[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I, you know, I have no excuse. I didn't make it through, but it was just like, and my, my 16 year old son's like, why did you, you gotta go back on there. I'm like, no, I don't. I don't need to, but I think I had like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I had to do like the tonight show after it. What am I doing? I'm not going to have explosive diarrhea on the tonight show. It's like one hot wings, but I like, I like, uh, spicy, but not like I love Indian food and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but I'm not, I'm a little wimpy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, in Ohio, they have, are you guys from? I'm from Ohio. Um, you know, have you ever had a buckeye? A buckeye is, uh, well there's, I mean, obviously it's a grain, I think, but like there's a treat that is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, it's like, I'm usually good, and then at the, uh, Ohio State Fair, they deep fry those. Oh my God. And, um, I'm good, but like at Christmas, so you're, you're living healthy. Christine has always looked good. You were, you were a mess for most of your life. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck those people! No, but like, I think December is, uh, I mean, there's notes. It's so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garbage. Yeah. And so like when you guys tour, when you're getting room service, that's all that, all that room service is made with like a pound of butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ali only does one shows. Really? I'm gonna say that like I know Ali Wong really well. But uhm, She only does one. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the best? Because there's a certain quality


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it's, what is he, 23? He's 49. He's 49. He is, he is the machine. Yes, he really is. And there's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like if he didn't drink, do you think that he might look like Timothy Chalamet? What do you think that, if he, is he gonna go clean you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a play, this is me, uh, bragging. I did this play with, uh, well, and uhm, these guys would party every night, and one of them would drink like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bottle of scotch and then the next day he'd be like, Hey, let's go. Like he would be like jogging. Like if I even like smell alcohol, I need a day off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About 20 years ago, I'm addicted to the nicotine gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the cigar thing. Do you love cigars? I don't know. It's kind of like. I enjoy them. There's, you know, like there's certain things where I feel like I'm missing the guy, Gene. You know what I mean? It's just like cars. I know you love cars. My brothers love cars. Golf. Golf I don't miss. Cigars. I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've definitely, you know, it's kind of like golf. It's like, I've definitely done it. I can appreciate it, but I'm just, I've got my nicotine gum. Yeah, cool. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my 17-year-old, she loves Mulaney. I had a kid, and I talk about it in Comedy Monster, where, uhm, my now 10-year-old was Mulaney for Halloween. Awww. And then, uhm, my 16-year-old, he's more kind of into Eric Andre, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has, uh, but, so, but I'm gonna do this mini bus tour in, at the end of March. It's a mini bus? A mini bus. No, but it's just like one, I guess it's just a bus tour, I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's just a regular bus tour, but I'm like, it's like a week. It's like, I'm doing Nashville on March 30th and then I, you know, there's also the timing of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I wish I had started when I was six. Yeaah. Awesome. And he's already like, done spots? He's pretty funny. He's done spots. He opened for me, uh, with Todd Glass. You know, like he just kinda gets out there for like a minute or two. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Milwaukee and some in Florida. It's weird because in Milwaukee, my wife's from there, so the crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so excited to see him. And then he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He opened for me in Fort Lauderdale or Hollywood at the Hard Rock and the audience was like, so it was like a casino audience. And he was like, Hey everyone. And they're like, what? He was like, so it was like his first exposure to an audience. That was bad. That's good for him. That's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that's like, is that guy alright? I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Burt saves a lot of money on shirts, like he doesn't need that many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you guys don't realize, but Burt is eventually going to become president of the United States. He's going to be the first shirtless president. It could be. Could be. There's a certain lovability to Burt. Of course. A hundred percent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? A sweet dog. He is a sweet dog that doesn't wear a shirt. Yeah. But dogs don't wear shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember the first time you met Burt? Yes. Did you guys kiss that night or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you are, you know Burt on a level that, do you think you know him better than his wife knows him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They must study his brain. Oh yea, it's gotta be, it's gotta be. That's so fun. We're so lucky that we get to hang around people like that. Yea, it's fun, it is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm just, you know, look, I'm kinda confused, like, where do you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get to this point where you're known for sex styles so much that people start sending them to you. That's the equivalent of like, if they see you drinking a certain alcohol, they'll send you like, hey, from like Jameson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the, the sex doll people are like, we gotta send this guy a sex doll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like an Etsy doll. Like that's kind of like a mom and pop thing. Like we're making our own sex dolls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's not like his shirt looks fine. He might work at Home Depot. He might be the manager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a boss. I mean, he obviously is the boss. Yeah. And then there appears to be some kind of water bottle in the foreground, or is that like a Gatorade? Gatorade? Looks like it. It's a sippy. That's a sippy? It looks like a sippy. Oh, you're right!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, you know, like they had an interview with like Carter. Yeah. Oh wow. Yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would guess what, early 50s? I would say, I would say mid 50s. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uhm, so like, that's what's so interesting, so, look, as three people that go on stage that seek approval of strangers, we can't judge these people, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I want people to look at my breasts. How can I do that? And someone was like, you could, you could tell them about your cabinets. Exactly. And she's like, really? Yeah. They're like, just sit on the counter and then is this a dating app?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that shirt is, so she, so she's like walking around the grocery store like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you put the salt on it so that they don't bring you back the same amount. The same thing, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, there is a lot, this is part of the Lifehack series on TikTok, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And he has a bunch of stuff. I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but like, everyone knows one or two things, but like, then they just start making things up, probably. Probably. For sure, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you do that? I mean, it's like, is that necessary? I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is probably from a documentary, right? Yeah. Yeah. And he, or like, yeah, I mean, I guess HBO used to have this real sex thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, how does someone discover that they, I mean, there's, how does someone discover that they're this, and how does somebody, like, what leads to this? Like, is this just kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That hood, that dog head he's wearing, it looks like there's like a store that makes those, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's move on. Okay. Alright, wait, but when do I have to leave? Uhm, wait a minute, what's this breaking news?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like that's the rabbit hole. Like how do you do, how do you, like that is like the equivalent of, for me, the equivalent of like watching a murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not something, uh, enjoyable, it's not like I, like right now I feel emotionally like I'm not hungry, I'm not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting, that would make sense that because as comedians we want to elicit a reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it is, it is, uh, god, it's like, it's fascinating, cause the whole concept of irreverence and taboo is, is always shifting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the out comedian as a gay man and it was crazy. The audience would be like, this guy telling people he's gay and it was crazy. And now obviously it doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it didn't matter back then, but like as the, the audience of like 1993 was like, holy cow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess I'll just work at like some crypto farm. Yeaah. You know, but I'm pretty much done. Yeaah. You know what I mean? Anyway, so, I'm thinking of buying land in Canada. If there's, you know, cause when everything melts, like I think we're probably gonna have to live in like the Scatalon or something like that. You got enough kids to have neighbor. I like Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, we're probably, I mean, also, there's the meat, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway. It's all good. So Comedy Monster, you guys haven't watched it. Have not. Not yet. Thanks for supporting. You're welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there is, uh, Tom and I were talking about this before, there is like a certain point where you'll watch specials, but it's not like, it's not like any comedian is dying to see more comedy. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just keep going. Keep going. What else can you do? Someday I'll be happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, push. Don't be- don't- no, you call me first, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, this is Captain Marcel. My sister went down. I'm going down to the mountain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tuna. A pound of tuna for like five bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't stand to go to a sushi restaurant and pay so much money for sushi. Look at this. It's a pound of yummy delicious raw tuna for just like five bucks. I can't even eat this much. It's so much. What a primal way to be. I like it here. I didn't think I'm going to eat this avocado because this is going to fill me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you were thankful for? Yea. Your big stupid tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Talkspace, meeting with a therapist to work on your mental health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is just as helpful as hiring a personal trainer to work on your physical health and the positive impact can be life changing. And it is fucking fantastic. I love therapy. I've been doing it for years and I try to encourage people to do it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Talkspace is fantastic because they make therapy simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meet with a therapist and it should be as ordinary and judgment free as going to the dentist or getting a personal trainer. I love that Talkspace makes it easy to connect with a therapist privately and lets you message whenever you need to. At Talkspace your privacy and security are their number one priority. The app puts you in a private room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just you and your therapist. You can send messages 24-7 and get replies throughout the day. No need to wait for weekly appointments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join Talkspace today and start moving forward with a single message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just visit TalkSpace.com. Get $100 off your first month when you use the promo code YMH at signup. That's $100 off at TalkSpace.com promo code YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. I mean, that's a real, that's a real cracker thing, I think. Yeah. Especially if you're, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The origin is like Great Britain. People are real excited about it. Really? About like the crest, the family crest. We were connected to a royal, my cousin fucked her dad's dog and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really not a good looking people, and it's because of that. It's because of all that inner fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta mix it up. It's one of the only, only reasonable, uhm, arguments I've heard for integrating the races, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How good looking people are when you mix these gene pools, you're like, maybe, MAYBE, there's an argument for it. You know what I mean? Uhm, yea, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get me wrong, I really like English people. They're a lot of fun, they're a good time, they're, uhm, I mean, I actually, I really enjoy being over there. I love London. I feel like that's definitely one of the world's great cities. But I mean, yea, I mean, they're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The queen is lovely. Yeah, the queen's lovely. I bet she's got quite a worn box on her these days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, her pussy's failing too. Her pussy's failing, yeah. That was a big thing, one of the headlines said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lips? Yeah. Pretty gooey. They gotta be. I wonder if she's like, has ever like, fucked all those guards out front. Babe. At once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yeah, hopefully she makes it. I know her husband passed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't you be called king? If you're married to the queen, you're fucking the queen all the time or you're not the king?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know there's some fucking buck-tooth fuck watching this right now who's gonna tell me the reason, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so there's articles about it. Basically he wasn't up next for the throne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but even in the interview with, uh, Harry Nuts, he said, he said that there's the family, and then there's the people who make, who call the shots, which is like a different set of people, like that tell everybody what, kind of what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, let's keep things very royal for the opening clip. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Ready to start the show? Yeah. Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Island Boys. Apparently they got booed off stage at an event recently. Oh, they did? Yeah, yeah, people. I'm surprised. They're very talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, but uhm, it kind of shows you, you know, there's, there's people that do well in a studio. Right. And then live shows. Like rocking a live mic is way different than, you know what I mean? Just shooting something in your home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, as she's dancing or something. I don't know, that would be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I'd like to know about her life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, but yeaah. She's wild. I don't think she bathes every day. I think she's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's doing a par- I mean, she's wise enough, you know, she's got it together to put a parody of the island boys. I'm an island girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so did they have the number on their forehead? Do you know why? Yeah, 17. 17, okay. He's too idiot. I mean, yeah, she's clever, you know. Definitely talented. I like her. I like her too. I like her, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm attracted to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They went to like a radio station, they were like, do it here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they realized it was, it's not a song. They're like, it's not a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, yeah, we were just fucking around. So then they're like, oh, so they're trying to riff it and then they were like, oh, this sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's where you have to know what you're doing. You have to be good at making music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely a look. I don't know if they have the look, but they have a look. Did you say you're going to be in Orlando?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to plug my friend, LouisCK has a special coming out this Saturday. Okay. So I've seen it. I got a sneak peek at it and it is fucking hilarious. Uh, if you go to his website, it is louisck.com, or excuse me, louisck.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it's gonna be there. It's called Sorry, and it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he didn't, he's been so good and he's still awesome at it. So congrats, go check it out if you haven't, uh, well you haven't yet. So go check it out this Saturday. Yeah, he's so fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny, yeaah. So talented. Definitely check it out. Yeaah. Yep. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna put it on? Be twinsies? Uhm, I'll wait, but thank you. Maybe I'll do it on the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very cool. These are very 42069 vibes today, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, they don't all come out. The ones who come out are a good time. The cool ones. Cause they're coming out because they want to go out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I really don't know. I know that it's absurd, but so is basically all religion. I know. So, you know, believe whatever you want to believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think going between the boot and your food is extra gross. He's clearly following orders, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a guy on a train who was licking a muddy boot, poof, on a train. This guy's at the mall between bites. He is licking a boot and sucking on the stem of the heel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That salesperson was like, yeah, I can get you a size eight. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such an interesting choice, that part of it, that it's the shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no fun to it. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he enjoys it. That'd be my guess. He wants to be a naughty boy. Wasn't that the thing about the public jerk-off guy? Yeaah. That he wants to be like, huh, the shock. Right? But what they don't want is to laugh and point, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy wants you to probably be like, Oh my God, he wants to overhear you be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the guy goes, I won't play it again. The guy goes out there and the buddy, his buddy's throwing, he goes, what are you throwing up? And he's like, is it cool? I'll go with you. And then he throws up too. That's pretty funny actually. That's pretty funny. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I won't play it again. But, uh, a few weeks ago we went to, um, Flow Rida for, uh, TG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And got to hang out with all the family. There was even a really nice moment where we all actually said why we gave thanks. That was pretty cool. Do you remember what was on your card?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it got real serious real quick. Like everybody did really serious stuff. But your card wasn't very serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you were thankful for? Yea. Your big stupid tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause everybody had, they were like thankful that there's families together and thankful for the life that you gave us. I wrote, I'm thankful for my tour and my podcast and my cars. And then I had on this really nice blue jacket. So I wrote that I'm thankful for this blue jacket. It's super nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you didn't say that you were thankful for your big stupid test. You switched it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, I also mentioned the family. I was like, I am thankful for the family, but most of all, Rick Daman at Daman Motorsports for modifying my 224.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's the fucking best thing I've ever driven. And everybody was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said god damn it the other night with them and they got a lot of replays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also thinks that's what you're supposed to say on the doorbell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you hear a doorbell, he goes, god fucking dammit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Squarespace. We all love Squarespace here because we've all used it to make design websites that we have used. Everybody here on the staff has had a go at Squarespace. I think we're up to over half a dozen websites that we've designed there. You can do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you can turn your cool idea into a website. You can showcase your work. You can publish your work. You can sell products, uh, things that you make. You can sell your art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can promote your physical or online business and now it's an upcoming event. It's so easy. They're beautiful templates created by world-class designers.


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[Assistant] Powerful e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything online. You customize the look and feel. It's optimized for mobile right out of the box. 24-7 award winning customer support.


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[Assistant] Head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code M O M to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is wild. Oh yea, she ran a 5k, but she also played tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the 5k was first. That was her warmup for tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was wild and it was also really good. It was amazing. People ask me, did you get your steak? I didn't, but I have to say this was like the first time I've ever enjoyed Turkey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't, it wasn't the Queen's pussy. It was a freshman at Arizona State's pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. They must have had such a laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, here in the states it's happened too. Multiple times. People have been put into morgues and been alive. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you call the, uh, the, uh, the lawyers and say you want to make a change to the, to the will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, it is, I can only imagine, I mean it says that he's in a coma, but there's people who have woken up in morgues. Can you imagine that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Imagine the, uh, the claustrophobia you'd feel, you know, in a morgue fridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, right? How do you survive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm guessing you're right and they didn't have it that cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I bet it wasn't that cold. Shit. They probably had it like 60 something. It's like our house. That's a good amount to sleep in right here. Good temperature. Yeah. That was horrible. Yeah. God damn it. Would you freak out? Would you freak out if that happened to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's more of a slow, kind of, slow boil. A simmering rage. A simmering rage, yea. Yea. Where I get, I get more in like a calculated, you know, thoughtful. Yea, you turn into murder-thoughtful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I mean, that's full blown. So I guess the story, what is the story? Cause you had the story, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, he's saying, how dare you? And they're like, who do you think you are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So actually, maybe it's uhm, you know what this is the perfect rage amount to? Getting called out on your bullshit when you don't want to get called out on your bullshit. That fills people with rage, right? So you did your shit and he slapped someone's ass and someone's like, you can't do that. How dare you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A sober person this mad? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what, I think there's nothing worse than a McDonald's. It's anything but piping hot fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's it? I'll come back for that drive-thru. What the fuck do you think you're doing? Touch these. I'll throw them through the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll be like, I need cops right fucking now and I'll call the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not tolerable, but enjoyable, pleasurable and excellent at a piping hot temperature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of warm and not hot. You're like, oh, this is definitely not good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gross. Hey my buddy. He said his, uh, his wife is kind of, I don't want to say his name on the show. His wife's kind of a health nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's always on him for everything. Obviously I'm not talking about Burt. Um, but anyway, my flow, he goes, uh, you know, and he's, he's not that bad, but he's not as healthy as she is. He's like, man, I had McDonald's the other day and I farted. My wife was like, you ate McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That speaks to not just her nose, I think, but also the power of McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's insane. They don't serve food. And then they always, there's also those places that have coffee from 6 to 9 a.m. And you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, huh? That's it. That's the window. That's the window. And you do two shows, you get up at 9.15. You get coffee, they're like, you could have, but we're shut down until tomorrow at 6 a.m. Is there a coffee place around here? Yeah, you could walk there, it's like two and a half minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That blew my mind when I was in New York a few weeks ago. I go to New York and I get back from a show, cause I was staying in the city, but I did a couple shows first in Jersey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came in his dumb mouth, I go, was that open? Yea, you fuckin' bitch. I want you to drink that. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So gay and so retarded. Uh, you know, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I put, you know, when he, when Rogan did our live, which was fantastic. Thank you everybody that got it. So many people joined us and watched her for Thanksgiving. So that really made their Thanksgiving weekend with their families.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been texting me, he's like, dude, I just spent a while on Unkshine's page. Cause it is, he is posting at a frantic pace. Where it's just like, I mean, look, by the way, scroll up. No, sorry, to the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like his 2,600 posts, he does like 30 in a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very curious. Yeah, you can just, yeah. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, just so you know, Joe Rogan is consuming this content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where the fucking vaccine really lies. It's inside the booty. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, somebody noted that if you're on his page, uh, I think it's in, you see how these are all videos? That they think he accidentally posted a still photo. So like, I think it's there. Like that was for sure a video. He didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, how many followers has he got? Cause he was at 800. And now he's got, cause we've been talking about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's at 21,000 p- and he's TheUncleShine, if you wanna join him. TheUncle is T-H-E-U-N-K-L-E. Shine. S-H-I-N-E. Uhm, that's Joseph Felix. And who is he following?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And he doesn't waiver. No. From, you know, his brand. No. Pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of your mom's house is also brought to you by Stance. I just got a box of Stance products. So comfortable. So like deliciously soft feeling fabrics and super cool and unique too. Like they have so many things, like it doesn't matter what you're into. If you're into, let's see Wu Tang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people. Certainly if you're looking for gifts, it's a good way to go. Stance was founded in 2009.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stance apparel represents a radical reinvention of socks, underwear and active apparel. The Sharp focus on comfort, quality and creativity. Stance believes that the perfect fit matters more than fitting in. That those who feel good, do good. Go see for yourself. Register for an account at Stance.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And get 15% off your first purchase. Use promo code MOM at checkout to apply. Enjoy the color and comfort of a life less ordinary with Stance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. If he tried to suck my dick, I'd be like, no. And then I'd be like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Looks like he's had that, that widow's peak for a while though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they age fast, man. Well, what are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told me that the guy that most people think is probably the most famous in a way. Yeah, dog face. Yeah, the, the cranberry thing with the, uh, what's it called? What's the?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fleetwood Mac? Fleetwood Mac. The Fleetwood Mac song. Yea. That it went viral. Yea. That his account got removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you this, I will delete my account in solidarity with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they can pull it up or not. Uh, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. Like to... to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kill it the way that I did. It was pretty amazing. I mean, I was inspired and then. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fucking back hurts, man. You know a good back stretch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Now that- Back hurts. You see how it's out of sync? Yea, I like that. I don't even know how I did that. Wow. But I was pretty proud of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that that would really wow some people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, can we look at the stats on that one? Can you go back, make it the multi-frame? Like where you see the whole grid? Oh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're, you know what I mean? You're living dangerously. You're doing dangerous stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're out to get me. Uhm, you know what's a bummer? What? Uh, it's actually sad. Virgil Abloh died. I saw that. Uhm, he was 41.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a rare form of cancer. I think it's a rare blood cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So young, if you don't know Virgil Abloh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a designer and he, you know, he started the label Off-White. He was designing stuff for Kanye. He designed three of his album covers that are all pretty awesome, like My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, Throne, and Yeezus, or his designs. And then he became the creative director.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, I knew who he was, and I was on a flight to New York. I remember, I probably told this on the podcast when it happened, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on a flight to New York, and it's wild because uhm, a guy who has like, styled us for shoots and stuff, he and I had talked about Virgil Abloh recently. So I'm on the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just going through news. And it was a news article that said Virgil Abelow named artistic director for Louis Vuitton. It was a big deal because he was, it was the highest ranking, uh, black, um, executive. And he was pretty young to get that appointment. It was like, I think it was probably 2018 or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so, so anyways, I get to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go to the hotel and I check in and as I get on the elevator, I'm just, I picked my floor and I'm looking down and I looked down and the guy who's standing next to me has shoes and it has the Nike Air in quotes. So if you look up like Virgil Abloh, Nike Air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, it's, it's, it's a very specific thing, right? Where like, he writes air in quotes, and he had black ones on with white writing. So I'm like, oh, he's wearing Virgil Abloh monkey ears. I just looked down and I look up and he's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 6'3". Uh, maybe 6'4". He was, he was a pretty tall dude. Um, and I was like, yo, man. I was like, you just got named the point of that today. He was very like nice, but humble, modest about it. It was just a strange. I remember that I wanted to tell him that Seth had given me a, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An off-white jacket to wear on Conan, which I did, I wore it on Conan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the whole thing is that like, it's such a, he's such a creative, like, inspiring guy. I think to like, to do as much as he did at such a young age. And it reminded me of that thing that like, you know, people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say this sometimes, and you forget, and it sounds silly, but I think it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever that thing is, and, and today's the special occasion, right? So yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you saving it for? Today's the day. He's 41 years old, incredibly accomplished guy, uhm, and he passed away. And like, uh, you know, he came up with all these super cool fashions. He designed furniture and, you know, the whole off-white label. Super talented guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That whole, that whole simplicity of writing the air on it, but it looks rad, right? So I have all my off-whites today. But I was bummed out to hear, and he, uh, he battled cancer in secret. So nobody knew until they announced that he passed away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he never made it public, so nobody knew. Yeaah. Very sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially strikes you when it's somebody like this, right? Because the age is obviously very young. He's at the height, I mean the height of his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, career success and like probably workload, like what he's doing couldn't be busier. Yeah. And you know, he's just gone like that. He's just gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I just got two, I got tagged twice in the last three days. People that got my face tattooed on their bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man. Thanks. He's like, yeah, big fan. I'm like, oh I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to my Instagram, actually one of them is in my stories right now, I think, if you go today. Uhm, just mute it because there's audio playing. But uhm, yeaah, this is like in, in my fucking, oh, there it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it might be. Yeah. It might be. That's recent. That's incredible. That is incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy sent me a message too. I was like, wow man. That is, yeah, I mean that's, it's outrageous. That's on his thigh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's like, they're on your thigh though, man. It's so big. Alright, hey man. That's a good tattoo though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeah. Ugh, Jesus. You're like, this is funny, this is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, a long time ago, we lived on the stairs. I walked into your place. Remember that? No. You were in the kitchen cooking and I grabbed a knife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I actually went, I threw it and it landed with the point in the floor of the, and I was like, uuuh. I realized it could have like landed on your foot or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just threw that knife while you were cooking and you were like, okay. You're like, God, you scared me. I was like, yeah, that was the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always react to like, if I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FIFO, when you gave FIFO a bone, like a treat, a bone, you know, to chew on, he would immediately go hide it, bury it. Immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the funny thing is, but here's the funny thing, I was with Feeble a lot of times when he would rediscover a buried brown pig, but he was like, what the fuck do I do with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wear your special little fuckin' tutu today. Today, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been given so much. I don't want it. Broken bone swag. And I'm like, oh no, no, I have all the reminders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think that TV was cracked and he lit some component of it and then it exploded. That was fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. The gas used in plasma TVs is a mix of two, oh it says non-flammable gases. Neon and xenon. Both of which are in, the gases are not harmful either individually or when combined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it just gives you a video. Okay. I wonder where that came from, because that was obviously in another language, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool to see. Very cool to see. I don't think he's okay after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love listening to podcasts, right? Well, you'll find a ton


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Binge-worthy podcasts, including ours, on Amazon Music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great. I love Amazon music because not only do they have all my favorite music, but they have a whole bunch of podcasts as well. Amazon music has more than 10 million free podcast episodes to listen to. Listen to hilarious podcasts, smart lists one week before everyone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And add free on Amazon Music, the breathtaking true crime podcast, Dr. Death Miracle Man is also available two weeks early on Amazon Music. Amazon Music isn't just for listening to podcasts. They have thousands of music stations and top playlist to stream for free. If you've never tried Amazon Music Unlimited, now's a great time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazon.com slash your mom to try Amazon music unlimited free for three months. Amazon.com slash your mom renews automatically cancel anytime terms apply. What was your, what was your, uh, pesiskey effect?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they come from, uh, plants and, uh, fruits and seeds or seeds that grow into the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of the population. Yea, I mean, I wasn't aware of that really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the same time, I feel like if you were to poll like a hundred people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that many. You're as dumb as I am on that one. I just feel like not that many would know. Yeah. Like that would go, oh they grow on trees? It would be 15%?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a hello mommy vibes, right? Hi mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but she heard you and she was like, this person's retarded. And then she was like, salmon frittata? Yeah, I can get, those are excellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anything that's not steak and potatoes. He's like, how do you say this? He just goes for it. It's always wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we got something amazing that I didn't know if we would, I always wondered if this existed or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's Fed Smoker meeting a fan, somebody that actually recognizes him. Shut the front door. It's fucking so cool, because I was like, somebody had to be like, cause I always go, people would be like, what would you have been like, I would have been like, you're the greatest, you know, like. Yea, reference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, yeaah, yeaah, and I know what he's capable of, so, I think that's a good way to keep him at a, you know, is just be like, you're really, you're really talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if I had met him, I would lean hard, hard into conspiracy talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would call my brother a lot. I would definitely be like, yeah, Trump's fucking solid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the vehicle is Fedsmoker. That's the wildest shit I've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, hey, uh, Patty? Yes, that's me? Uh, can you figure out, can you put somebody on trying to get that vehicle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So contact, uhm, cause we found out where he was buried. You saw that, right? That was, so he's buried at this mass grave in Arizona. You contact maybe, put somebody on contacting that uhm, you know, whatever, uh, and see if uhm, if we can acquire that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we're just scratching the surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today, he was like, you're right. So he knew he was like, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And I think you were best served to be around Connell, just telling him that he's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it sounds like he was probably in the place that he resided in in Arizona. Yea, he was a local. So almost like that guy knew that Herc was around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I had another cool- speaking of her, I had another cool thing to show you. Sure. You remember, a week or two ago, uhm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that happened, and then they, they kicked him out of the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the spirit of Fezmoker, they, they kicked him out, right? And they, well they revoked his membership as they, right? He went back to work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't feel that. You're like... No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off days? Wait, that means alternating Carl Jr. and In-N-Out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's embarrassing for sure. It's embarrassing, I know. So here's the next clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure we do a deep dive with him and Dr. Drew. I really want to show Dr. Drew all of these. Save, save these for when he's on, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just that same, that looking for confrontation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately, most of those guys don't record themselves. And this guy does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing is, his channel is just a whole playlist of confrontations. But I think this actually does end poorly for this guy. What happens, it's like that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe Schilling thing. It's like, he's just going to confront the wrong person. You know, definitely that's just going to happen. He might not be rolling camera. He might be who knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, he's gonna like talk shit to like a cartel guy. Someone's gonna be like, okay. And they're just gonna fucking disembowel him in the parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh, if he did this shit in the wrong bar, sure. Done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is funny to me because, you, like, I don't know, was it, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple months ago, you were like, yea, you see Tom Cruise on TikTok?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that guy, there's a couple players at this deep fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Tom Cruise one specifically. There's a guy who's like basically kind of orchestrating it, directing it. And he said, you know, to do it, he found the, the, somebody who knows the mannerisms and has the similar body type. Um, they were on 60 Minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can kind of see a little bit of it. Some of it when he moves. Yeaah. But, it's kind of amazing though. Because, you were one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the guy right there who actually designed. He's not the actor. Okay. He's the one who came up with the technology. He's the guy who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think most people that watch that don't clearly understand that. Clearly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that for sure will happen too. Yeah. So this guy explains here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is something we did actually for my music video with Burt. Yeaah. Really? Really? So the main thing is, we wanted to surprise shock Burt by putting his face on the big guy, the big actor. Because the gag is that Burt's this, you know, huge guy. That he stabbed today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was just my sweet touch at the end, but uhm, you know, the main thing is Rami who directed it and he's, he's really good at visual effects. He's done a lot of music videos, commercials. He goes, I need to capture him from all angles, kind of like they're, they're doing here so that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I also told Bird that I would return to do mine later. I gotta get Alice to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to think by the way, 20 years old, it looked like shit. Deep fake stuff, like the good versions of it started like a few years ago. Really? Yeah. That's where we are now. What will this be in 10, 20 years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of, a lot of the, uh, comedy, like, collaborators, meme makers, they do those deep fakes that are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a lot of them. There was a really good one of me on a Taliban guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting next to Bert and they put, it's just me talking. I don't know who made it. There's so many people that make good ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my Desus, prolific beams, necro- what is it? Necro-mechanical? Heather Fakes it does good ones. Uhm, what is it? Mr. Clavicles obviously. Uh, there's so many good ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we have a very similar, like, facial structure. Yeah, yeah. So someone explained that to me. He's actually one of the deep fake, like, masters. Uh huh. He goes, your, your face matches. With Garth. So it's easy to put you on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you gotta have an, like for this, they have to find an actor whose face is really similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where it spits. What did you, why did you hurt Christina? Don't be skinny. Stingy G used to be visible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and like if you liked now it's, but they haven't, they didn't block me. What they didn't realize is that this is really upset me. I don't like this G. I don't like that everyone's having fun without me. And I think you should unrestrict T buttons from commenting on your account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember the, uh, the cool guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so do you remember the guy, a lawyer made a cool guy application that was like really detailed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very well. Matt S. He took it upon himself to draft a complaint for me to file against Garth in federal court for negligent infusion of emotional distress resulting from Garth's blocking of me on social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but uh, he cannot bring it on my behalf, so I will have to let attorneys hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, kind of modify it and fire it. Uhm, but he went in detail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, in detail, under signing counsel of Sue's defendant, Troyl Garth Brooks, aka G Chris Gaines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, it's detailed, I mean it's exactly what you would file in court. Uhm, Segura and Christine. And your name is there multiple times as Christine. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brent Kushner were engaged in a dunk contest under normal circumstances. The girl being in far better shape than Brent Kushner would have excelled at this contest, however.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not. I'm not a junior. So I'm gonna have to have that part, you know, modified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I really appreciate this, Matt. I mean, it's what is right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they far exceed that amount. I don't know exactly how much we're trying to collect here, but I think it would be several millions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he basically has traumatized us. Right. And it's time to, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's time to tell a judge, basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Matt. I'm glad that I almost forgot about it, so thank you for reminding me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we gotta go. This is, uhm, Ice Latte by Craftmatics. Uhm, we'll see you guys, uh, next, next week or just over a week from now, it'll be Christ Mass. Little baby Jesus guy's boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll be Patty's first official Christmas as, you know, on the right team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wonderful. Pretty exciting. Yeaah. Good stuff. Alright, we'll see you guys next week. Bye Jeans. Bye Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think I've told you this before, but a little helpful hint. If you get crabs, okay, uh, don't panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know another thing, uh, TikTok's good for venting. Something I wanted to talk about real quick. Last guy was Dayton. Okay, missionary. It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best, easiest, you know, uh, whatever you like. But he's on top of me like dead weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was dead weight. I know part of it's my age, probably part of it's my weight. You don't have to tell me. You know, I know. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one more thing too guys, something I wanted to tell you, if you're dating, especially if you're older, like I am and dating,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, uh, you know a little helpful hint, I think. Wining and dining, it's a form of foreplay. Okay, that's how women see it. It's a form of foreplay. Uh, what I mean by that is you don't have to spend a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But especially if you like her and you think she's liking you, you know, uh, even a cup of coffee, uh, iced tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You going out, uh, do that. It leads up to, if you like each other, it leads up to it, okay? Because the, the thing, your place or mine? What's your address? Right away don't do that, especially with older women. I, I, most women I'm saying, I think it's a big turn off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was three weeks of my brain that was like, wait a minute, boneless chicken wing. I'm very literal. The language of it implies at one time there were bones in this meat and now there aren't. He's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pack your bags for the trip of a lifetime in the Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip, streaming only on Peacock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This new original exclusive is the Real Housewives crossover that fans have been asking for. Finally, you can see seven iconic housewives from four different cities together in one place, including Cynthia Bailey and Kenya Moore from Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle Richards from Beverly Hills, Teresa Judiche, and Melissa Gorgia from New Jersey, and Ramona Singer and Luanne De La Ceps from New York City. With a crew like that, what could possibly go wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As any Real Housewives fan knows, the girls' trips are legendary. Watch these housewives enter into uncharted territory as they vacation poolside in their stunning Turks and Caicos villa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This trip will not disappoint. See this exclusive crossover event now and watch new episodes every Thursday plus stream more of your reality favorites on Peacock, including all past seasons of The Real Housewives, hit movies and shows, exclusive originals, live sports news and more. Go to PeacockTV.com to sign up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva mattress company. You've heard me talk about it for years. Why? Because I really believe in this company.


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[Assistant] We sleep on a Saatva mattress. We sleep on the solar every night and it is fantastic.


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[Assistant] A retail store for madrasas and you feel like you're getting sharked by the salesman and


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[Assistant] You know, you really can't try them out anyways, just sitting down for a few seconds. Do a free 90-day in-home trial. You don't like it?


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[Assistant] They'll take the mattress back. Their setup is phenomenal. Their customer service is really unbeatable. I just bought another Saatva mattress for our kid.


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[Assistant] They have, uh, the twin size youth mattress and if we


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[Assistant] It's, it's just impeccable. Organic cotton, made in the USA. Right now there's a special deal. Go to satva.com slash the shit for $200 off the purchase of your next mattress or whatever you want from satva. Okay, satva.com slash the shit.


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[Assistant] I like that part where he goes, they greasy, but they not.


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[Assistant] I'm shocked. So for those of you who don't, who weren't with us at that era, Chuck Woolery did an ad for Australian dream, which was a skin cream.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's stupid and wrong. And he's a professional, I'm sorry, a professional broadcaster. Professional? Yeah, he takes, uh, further, he's furtographed a lot. A photographer.


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[Assistant] It's so true, it's like after a war, and all of a sudden all these new restaurants are coming up, them Vietnamese restaurants, I ain't into that.


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[Assistant] But, and also, he doesn't like red sauces. He's not a fan of Italian. He's not a fan of pizza.


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[Assistant] Everyone did. I think that's who watched that, was sad.


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[Assistant] No! He did Great Life! Hosting these goofy game shows and getting laid.


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[Assistant] Love it, we're constantly getting fuh. That's how they say it, fuh, in the house.


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[Assistant] You are so gross. Yeah. You know what's so gross is that dad joke. Which one? You know what the joke is. Which one? About Asian ladies, what their meows are like.


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[Assistant] Over the years. And then I dated a Chinese guy, and he- You dated a Chinese guy for five years. I almost married. Could have been a different podcast. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Hey, I got you. Boy, that glove has really gone to your head this week. What kind of powerful glove is that?


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[Assistant] I mean, that was a thorough YMH shoutout. He gotta keep feathering it. Uhm, don't be stingy like Mark.


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[Assistant] Following Proto. Good job son. Come on Mark, don't be stingy. Oh my gosh.


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[Assistant] And the fact that he could stay composed enough in a victory to give all these YMH shoutouts shows the level of mommyhood. His genes are the highest and tightest.


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[Assistant] See, some of these guys take time to simmer with me, and like an onion, they unfold the layers. Why am I repulsed by them?


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[Assistant] Right. So I actually go through self exploration. Why does Leo repulse me? What is it about him? What's going on? What is the dynamic between he and Mark? I go through, um, envy.


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[Assistant] His openness. I'm repulsed by it at the same time.


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[Assistant] Massage. And then there's mispronunciations.


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[Assistant] I just, the whole thing is so fascinating that he's so out there with it.


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[Assistant] Well and also, so another time, so we were at breakfast yesterday and you mentioned the disparity in looks between Mark and Leo.


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[Assistant] And you can barely see his peener because it's so covered in balls and fat. And then Mark is younger and hotter and what's the attraction?


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[Assistant] None are kids. Was there- were kids there? I think they were already at school.


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[Assistant] But we did celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary. That's where it spits. 17 years total together.


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[Assistant] I think- I feel like we should get more, but don't you feel as a couple it's unfair? I don't get credit for those four years.


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[Assistant] Because they weren't under God's law, you know?


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[Assistant] It's stupid. Look, we've been together for 17. I wanna celebrate 17.


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[Assistant] So anyway, we had a great sushi dinner and then you got a little faded last night.


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[Assistant] Way worser. You gotta knock it out. Well, I've been, um, sick for the last two weeks now. I've been taking Sudafed and the good kind behind the counter, you know, when you have to ask for it. And that's what they make meth out of.


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[Assistant] You know what, that's really, I would like to do that as well, but the vomiting and shitting stuff is really not enticing.


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[Assistant] Okay. You gotta watch some videos of people doing it. And then you have to have a shaman walk you through it.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna get crazy, yeah. Well we talked about that last week on the show doing PCP. It's a good idea by the way. It is a good idea.


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[Assistant] We're trying to figure out information on how to do this stuff. Not stop it, you pussies.


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[Assistant] Wait, but let's talk about Ayahuasca. I think, will you go to Peru and do it there?


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[Assistant] Go authentic. Those are your roots. Here's a deal, man.


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[Assistant] What are you, what are you in the market for? Do you want to have epiphanies? Do you want to see Jesus?


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[Assistant] It's all about the environment and who you're with.


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[Assistant] You can, that trip can go bad real quick if you're with a dud. Like one time I did uhm, acid and SF.


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[Assistant] And I did it with someone that didn't want to play with me. I was like, woohoo, let's get Silly String and go to Golden Gate Park. And I was like, ba ba ba ba ba. And this person was like, nah, people can tell we're on drugs. I'm like, everybody's on drugs. It's Golden Gate Park. This is what you do. You get high and you run in the park and you have fun.


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[Assistant] And you know, they were like, nooo. So that really killed my vibe, and then I got weird, and then...


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[Assistant] That's a vibe killer. It sucks. So you really need to be an excellent company, somebody you trust and like.


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[Assistant] What about, what about, uhm, what's that shit called? Cybillillian? And they, and you, with a shrink you do it and they put headphones on you and then they walk you through that?


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[Assistant] Oh, yeaah. Silo, silo, silo, silo, silo, silo, silo, silo.


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[Assistant] And you get silly with somebody and they walk you through it.


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[Assistant] You know, but everybody needs to go on a vision quest. I think the time is now.


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[Assistant] The time is now. You know wha- wha- It's a good time in middle age. You're halfway dead.


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[Assistant] You've lived, now you're like, what's on the other side?


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[Assistant] It's helped me a lot. My ketamine vision changed me.


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[Assistant] Homeware, uhm, and now there's a huge sale coming this week, which means you can get your interior refreshed at really great prices. This sale is big news for your comfort.


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[Assistant] Brooklyn's entire site of super soft, seriously cozy essentials is going on sale this weekend. Brooklyn was created to bring dreamy comfort to every corner of your space.


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[Assistant] At price is so affordable, they make you pinch yourself. Shopping doesn't get any better than Brooklyn in bundles. Save more when you stock up on essentials for your space.


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[Assistant] Now's the time to get gifting with deals on items for everyone on your list, whether you're shopping for, um, you know, candles for the candle lover in your life or grabbing a gift card, which is really the gift that keeps on giving.


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[Assistant] I love Brooklyn and we sleep on their sheets every night. Don't miss out. Brooklyn's biggest sale of the year starts this week.


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[Assistant] Listening after the sale, you can still save. Visit brooklinnen.com and use promo code HOUSE for $20 off your purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com promo code HOUSE.


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[Assistant] If my mom were alive, never. Is there anything-


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[Assistant] Now here's, you and I have done it. We drove to Austin from LA when we were first together. What year was that? Before we were married.


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[Assistant] That was the first time I really did the road with you, like I went on just for fun.


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[Assistant] Well, I remember doing a few drives to SF to LA over, you know, the course of those years, and that's a boring drive. That's just the five, and it's nothing but cows and manure smell, and it's hot as shit because you're just in the middle of the desert, you know? And I've driven with douchebags that like would get high the entire time, like smoking out of apples and stuff.


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[Assistant] That makes me crazy. I'm so sensitive to bad music. Of course. I fucking flip. Like I, it shuts me down emotionally.


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[Assistant] Of course. But you and I, that's how I knew we were good together cause you and I did L8SF.


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[Assistant] We had good times, and then we drove to Texas, so, so, then we did the Austin drive.


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[Assistant] It was good. Do you like barbecue like I like barbecue?


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[Assistant] Yeah, rip my tits off and jizz inside the holes in my chest. Yeah. Stuff like that. And that's how I knew we were two mommies, one gene.


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[Assistant] My mother could infuriate me within a minute of talking with her. My grandmother, samezies, I mean she just had the ability to infuriate. It's like they're so invalidating, they're so...


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, why can't you just shut the fuck up and be chill with me? You know what I'm saying? Like my mother would always be like,


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[Assistant] This is nice, this color, but it's too bright. And you're like, what are you fu- why can't you just be like, shut the fuck up? You know what, you need a brooch. That would look very nice on this sweater. A brooch. I'm like, why do you have to fucking improve me? Like, just be here. Be here now, dude.


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[Assistant] Daddy, go to see if I packed the shoes. And then your dad has to go look for the shoes that she packed or didn't pack. Where are my glasses?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you pick up the day. I think what really annoys me the most, cause I, I've, she's not my mother, so I can like, I don't give a shit, I just walk away, I go to another room. But uhm, that one time when I was super pregnant and we were at the movies, and I'm like wobbling, it's a hundred degrees outside, it's the middle of July, they're visiting, and we get into the car and she goes,


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[Assistant] Yeah. How does he put up with it though? What is that?


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[Assistant] Now, does Dear Sisters get upset over the same things that upset you? Every kid has.


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[Assistant] Within minutes, we were, all of us, and even me as a child, we're like, oh my god. And here's the deal, man, is that it's so simple.


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[Assistant] Like knowing, you know your children now, like it's so simple to just hold back criticism or don't say the thing. Just don't say the thing.


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[Assistant] But as a parent, like you know, you know if you say X thing, it's going to piss the kid off.


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[Assistant] You let him in, you let him in. My mother discovered that I was doing that with her when she was alive. And I'd be like, she's like, how are you doing? I'm like, fine. And my dad too figured it out. And they'd be like, you're not shedding anything.


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[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, well, you know, I don't want to talk about that stuff. Let's talk about the weather. Let's talk about the game. Let's talk about cookies. Anything but my life, please, cause...


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[Assistant] I go get panettone, even though that is a seasonal item. I find a fucking way to get that Christmas, what is it, like a, it's a Christmas loaf that she eats all year long?


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[Assistant] I find her brand, I ordered online, this nasty shit, man.


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[Assistant] At bedtime. She'll have wrappers around her bedside table.


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[Assistant] 110. Oh, and we go to nice restaurants. We'll take them out.


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[Assistant] 96. I know. Listen, my father drinks a ton, eats sausage, drinks Fresca. Never seen him drink regular water. Same like your dad.


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[Assistant] Uh, so no, this is, this is true. So every time she comes around, I make sure to get the panettone.


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[Assistant] I get the DCs for your dad, caffeine freeze, right? We stock that so we don't have to hear those complaints.


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[Assistant] And, I get her drunk on white wine. Cause she likes her Pinot Gris with ice cubes in it.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. So remember when we had them all over for Christmas?


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[Assistant] And I let her listen to her music, like she likes Maria. What's the name?


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[Assistant] Yeah, so one night you guys left, you went to dinner with you and your dad and you left me alone with her. And I was like,


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[Assistant] Okay, I have a strategy. You just get someone to talk about the shit they want to talk about and it gets you out of any conversation. So I got her hammered.


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[Assistant] And I was like, what do you like to listen to? Let's listen to this. And we spent two hours listening to Maria Dolores.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but she explained it to me and then she taught me lyrics and she taught me as a poem in Spanish. We had a good time because she was just listening to this lady sing about love.


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[Assistant] Very charismatic. Excellent storyteller. Excellent sense of humor. She's great. Look, again, I like her.


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[Assistant] Gosh. You know what's funny? My father at my grandma's funeral didn't even cry. Really? That's how much he hated her.


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[Assistant] We went, uh, we flew back to Hungary to, you know, do the funeral and everything.


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[Assistant] And even I started crying and like her a whole lot, but you know, I still, it's so when someone passes and, um, I remember at the funeral, my dad was just like, I was like, you're not going to cry. He's like, for what? I'm like, okay.


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[Assistant] You have to do like the greeting, you know, you greet everybody that came to the funeral and people, I remember people saying things like your, your nana was a lovely person. I was like, no she was not. Nobody liked her. Nobody liked her. I mean, how, what are you talking about?


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[Assistant] It was like such, it was so funny when someone shitty dies too, cause you're like, that's not true. She was not beloved. Nobody liked her. She had enemies everywhere.


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[Assistant] Nobody liked her, not even the dog. Get the fuck outta here, you know.


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[Assistant] I knew it. Cause it's logically inconsistent. A boneless chicken wing, by definition, is a wing without bones. He's right.


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[Assistant] Thank you sir, finally, for taking up the most important cause. This nation is so divided. Because of this issue.


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[Assistant] This was three weeks of my brain that was like, wait a minute, boneless chicken wing. I'm very literal. The language of it implies at one time there were bones in this meat and now there aren't. He's right.


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[Assistant] That was hilarious. I liked her little like, uh, uh, just like the sounds are so funny. That was such a great call. Thank you, Fart Simpson. Oh my God. Amazing fart. That was so funny. What is chichanon? Chichanon.


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[Assistant] Oh god. I wish, I want her to do more prank calls now. It's so funny. That was really great. I gotta take a piss, man. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's like in the, in the nighttime and morning, it's winter time and then you get summer again at the end of the day. It's kind of cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I, I, I read the, um, the silent patient for my ladies book club and that, that one really got me. I was surprised. I did not know what the reveal was. It was, it was good.


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[Assistant] Well, I, I cheated, I did the audio book too. Okay. On the, on the airplane. That's okay. But, um, yeah, M Night, M Night, Shamalian. M Night Shamalan. Shamalan, Shamalan. Um, so the sixth sense, that was just the one where everybody was like, I forget, what was the big reveal again?


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[Assistant] Banger. Phenomenal. Yeah. And a big phenomenon.


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[Assistant] Now what did you think of old? We watched it at home. I'll say this.


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[Assistant] Interesting. Yeaah, I, the ending bothered me. Yeaah, well that's the thing. It ruined it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it feels a little selfish to cast yourself in that role.


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[Assistant] No, but it's, but I oddly, I find him endearing sometimes when he's in his own movies cause you're like, oh there he is, he sucks, like he's a, he's a crappy actor, like I, you know.


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[Assistant] And he's got, he's not, he doesn't have a good face for camera either, that guy.


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[Assistant] No. Yea, he's got that creepy face.


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[Assistant] Who's in all the movies too? The hangover? What's his name? The comedic actor? No, he's adorable, yea. Wait, who's the guy in the hangover? That guy who was in everything? Bradley Cooper? Yea, Bradley Cooper. He's another one. Where you're like, does this guy ever fucking...


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[Assistant] So here's the deal. They must do Botox and fillers too.


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[Assistant] Plus the camera on a big screen, it's right there. Everybody sees every flaw. Oh, forget about it.


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[Assistant] Well, I've watched Average Age of Leo's Girlfriend.


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[Assistant] And then, uhm, now I'm like, you know what, if you're a man of means,


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's the best. He was at a Laker game one time when we were there, right? I don't remember. I think we got to see him. Yeah, he was there.


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[Assistant] I love him too. I hate when they do this to celebrities, like come on.


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[Assistant] I don't understand how people aren't in therapy. I- I depend on therapy to keep me sane and-


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[Assistant] Listen, if you're anxious or depressed, there's no reason to not speak with somebody, a professional that can help you, which is why I love Talkspace. Now there is no excuses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talkspace. The app puts you in a private room with just you and your therapist. Send messages 24-7 and get replies throughout the day. No need to wait for a weekly appointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talkspace's encryption and added security features keep your conversation fully protected.


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[Assistant] Isn't weird or weak, it's just smart. Because sure, your friend might know a thing or two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't, they don't know at all. You need a professional. Join Talkspace today and start moving forward with a single message. Just visit Talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month when you use promo code YMH at signup. That's $100 off at Talkspace.com promo code YMH.


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[Assistant] If you've ever wanted to make your home feel safer, there is no better time than now. This week our friends at Simply Safe are giving your mom's house listeners early access.


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[Assistant] We love Simply Safe because it has everything you need to make your home safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indoor and outdoor cameras, comprehensive sensors,


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[Assistant] All monitored around the clock by trained professionals who help, who send comprehensive sensors.


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[Assistant] All monitored around the clock by trained professionals who send help the instant you need it. It is so easy to set up SimpliSafe. It's really simple to use as well once it's installed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So try it out. These are SimpliSafe's biggest discounts of the year. You can get a complete home security system starting at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just over $100. Take advantage of SimpliSafe's early Black Friday deals and get 50% off your new home security system by visiting SimpliSafe.com slash your mom. Again, that's SimpliSafe.com slash your mom for 50% off your entire system.


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[Assistant] You know what's so funny? I was, I was talking to somebody about this too. Remember like those old, was it the Tonight Show where Carson had a rule that when he walked down the hall, everybody had to turn and face the walls and nobody can look at me? Like that was a rule.


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[Assistant] But, but, so I understand, I respect that, like I, I understand the request of, hey please, uh, you know, just don't, try not to make converse, like I, I'm working right now, maybe later. Yeah. But don't look at me.


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[Assistant] The audience. So when people come into your green room and they wanna bullshit and sit down and then they're friends, it's like, it zaps you of your focus and your energy.


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[Assistant] And it robs the people that have paid to see you of you giving a good show.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. You should have stepped back. But there are people who do have, don't look at me in their contracts and their writers. Yeah. I've heard of that one. Literally Johnny Carson, I believe when you, when he walked down the hall, everybody had to turn and face the wall, face the way. I've heard Ellen does that. They don't look at me thing.


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[Assistant] It's like he wants to get laid, right? That was the whole issue with Daddy Lillagone. It's like don't- I'm not gay bro, I like girls, but then you're taking a dump and-


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[Assistant] Now, I have a fan that I've been friends with. Shoutout to Mozika.


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[Assistant] And her, uh, boo boo, her husband, I, I've known her for years. She's been an early stand-up fan. Anyway, her boo boo drives FedEx.


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[Assistant] And delivered a parcel, a package, to none other, none other than Daddy Le Lagoon.


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[Assistant] So he knows where he lives and he asked for a picture with him and she sent me the picture on DM.


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[Assistant] No, but he took a picture with him. I thought that was pretty cool.


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[Assistant] Good job, homie. Uhm. Don't fucking call me daddy, bro.


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[Assistant] Here we go. Oh man, my eye is like, retarded and old. I have old dumb eyes.


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[Assistant] He's a, I mean, but that's pretty wild that TikTok has made it to wherever part of the world this is.


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[Assistant] So this is, um, an account that deals with just scaly feet and getting the skin off of people's feet and this is, um, it's a, it's a disorder where you get crusted over. Like this guy's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so for those of you just listening, he wiggles his tongue to the beep sounds and then he writes, look what I can do.


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[Assistant] Look, a guy just wagging his tongue in the air is-


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[Assistant] And he's got the leather cuff on, he's going to attract a whole new lane of crazy goth chicks.


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[Assistant] I love it. So this is Secrets of Subway on TikTok. I live for these fast food.


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[Assistant] And I like their tuna fish. I'm the asshole eating their tuna.


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[Assistant] Ugh, gross. But doesn't he look like the creatures from Cocoon? The old, the old aliens that they pull out?


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[Assistant] Pernick at Autumn Fall Pumpkin Spice. Oh, that's who's talking smack.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so you may want to edit, like, I would start over and then record it knowing the saying.


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[Assistant] I think it's sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. You got it right.


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[Assistant] No, it's very, it's a lifetime. This guy's been jay-ing his Dita books his whole life. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like finally TikTok.


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[Assistant] He didn't like that it did feel gratifying to watch it get ripped off.


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[Assistant] It does. And it still evokes horrible feelings inside of me, which is cool. And when he says it's normal sized, it's not that that big. I feel like we never really knew just how big it was because it was covered by his stomach and his balls.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, the balls are so big they kind of offset.


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[Assistant] No, I listen to two bears every now and then just to see what you two knuckleheads are up to. There were a couple of goofballs on that show. Couple of goofballs. You guys were always talking about your peiners and Burt brought up that he grew into his mouth.


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[Assistant] Because he used to have a big mouth relative to the size of his head. And now that he's fat, he's like, my mouth is smaller. I thought that was really A, accurate.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like those, even that photo, the blue shirt, that's when we started hanging out with Burt, right? Yeah. Yeah, like his mouth was so big.


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[Assistant] That's gotta be one that Leanne's bummed about. That's when she met him. Yea, I know. She's gotta be so upset.


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[Assistant] Look, let me just say, you and I have, what do they call it, the glow up? I would argue that... What do they call it, babe? Is that right?


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[Assistant] Look, we've aged, I think, gracefully. We've embraced changes and, you know, we take care of ourselves.


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[Assistant] Not always, but we're fighting the fight. We're in the fight.


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[Assistant] That's true. Cause I remember you and I would get like, we'd go to Trader Joe. We were at our poorest. We'd go to Trader Joe.


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[Assistant] And by Saka Souffle. Oh, all of it. Lava cakes and just like.


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[Assistant] And I can't take pot cause I OD on pot every time I take it. You don't OD on pot. Every. Time. I take too much cause I'm, so, so for instance last time.


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[Assistant] I started to with my ankle and then Dr. Drew said that's a problem.


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[Assistant] I know, I know, but he said that opioids are not a good thing to get addicted to. They are.


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[Assistant] And it's a fun psychedelic sleep. I was having great dreams.


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[Assistant] Wait a minute. Hold on. It says ketamine, an anesthetic used for surgery and pain, which was developed instead. I've basically done PCP. It's a similar to ketamine is what they're saying.


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[Assistant] And hand out PCP to people. And just see what happens.


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[Assistant] How great is MMA fighting?


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[Assistant] I don't care, I'll fucking kick you with my broken leg. And you see him, like, getting all juiced.


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[Assistant] That was really sweet. It was. I thought he was gonna talk about getting accepted to Hogwarts or something. I mean, so sweet. That is.


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[Assistant] Oh, it landed on your collar. It's still there. He's sweet and I don't like the Brits. I like how they're, everything they say is interesting when they talk like that. And how upset are you that Hogwarts doesn't really exist?


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[Assistant] I'm like mad because I love those movies, and then I get upset because life sucks so bad that there's not really Hogwarts. You don't feel that way?


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[Assistant] Well, I've already been in Raleigh. If not, I'm in Raleigh. November 19th, Atlanta at the Punchline, November 26th, Salt Lake City, Poo Ta for that weekend. And then, LOL, San Antonio.


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[Assistant] I go to Orlando, Florida, the weekend of December 16th, and then the big special taping, January 22nd, 2020.


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[Assistant] I'm sure tickets are probably gone for that. Live taping, if they're not, get them now.


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[Assistant] At the Gramercy Theater in Judork, Tiddies, and then I've also booked a bunch of dates for 2022. Check back at ChristinaPOnline.com for those.


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[Assistant] This makes so much more sense than anything. Wow. Uhm, does he know he only has to upload it once and then it goes?


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[Assistant] Oh. So he just gets creative bursts and then he'll do like 20 at the same time.


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[Assistant] Well and also, we're gonna give you guys a deeper look at, uhm, the Lantanamo Bay, you're gonna see...


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[Assistant] I mean, I don't even understand how people go to the bathroom without using the Toshiba Day. It's so gross when you think about it. You're making it number two.


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[Assistant] Just poop, wash, and pat dry. It washes your bum with water for a better clean than toilet paper.


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[Assistant] Uh, washing with water is less irritating and listen, it's just, it's all around good. Tushies are so easy to install. They have a full product line to help make the restroom the best room. Hey, including the Tushie Ottoman, the sleekest toilet stool designed to help you poop at a hundred percent, a hundred percent of the time. I'm a f- I can't advocate, uh, getting the Tushie bidet enough. Start.


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[Assistant] Washing with a tushy bidet for a better clean. Go to hellotushy.com slash your mom to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for our listeners at hellotushy.com slash your mom for 10% off. After you buy and install your tushy, show it off. Tag us.


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[Assistant] And at Hello Tushy on Instagram.


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[Assistant] Oh listen, I wasn't one of these people that understood the utility of ExpressVPN until I started to use it. And then I thought to myself, how can I go back?


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[Assistant] How can you go back to just letting all your information fly on the internet? I love ExpressVPN, it's so simple to install. And once you go online, people can't sell your information without your consent, which is what they do.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can browse more anonymously. When you use ExpressVPN, ISPs cannot see your online activity. Your identity is anonymized by a secure VPN server. It's easy to use. You just fire up the app and you.


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[Assistant] Will be protected, and not only that, uhm, you can watch Netflix in other countries, and I'm a huge anglophile, so I watch all my English shows.


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[Assistant] Secure your online activity by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash your mom today. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash your mom. And you can get an extra three months free ExpressVPN.com slash your mom.


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[Assistant] Nope, those are the rules. Those are the rules I go by. Can't.


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[Assistant] So, so, some updates on the Pajitski effect. So, uhm, Rob Eyler of Pajama Pants podcast, right?


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[Assistant] He said that a lot of people, I don't know if I've said this already, forgive me if I'm repeating, a lot of people call him AJ Jr.


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[Assistant] That's really funny. Number two, Jamie Lee of Pajama Pants also thought that boneless chicken wings were the meat ripped off the tiny bones and then reconstituted. So I'm not the only one in town. Okay.


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[Assistant] To the point where I'm so fucking embarrassed that I'm not sure I should share this with the audience cause I think I may get shamed off the planet. That's how fucking dumb I am.


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[Assistant] And I look at the sign that says ATX and I thought to myself, Austin, Texas. And my brain.


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[Assistant] Well hold on now, hear me out, because, okay, but PDX is not Portland-ex, it's, it's, it makes no fucking sense. Right, right. Portland-ex.


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[Assistant] Correct. So I thought ATX was like, oh, that's our airport code, LAX.


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[Assistant] What about Atlanta? What's Atlanta? Can't read that.


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[Assistant] PHX is Phoenix, such airsports. What does it say? They're NWS codes, simply expanded in X. I don't understand, I don't fucking know.


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[Assistant] They're NWS codes and simply append it an X. So in lieu of NWS, which I don't know what that is.


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[Assistant] What is NWS? That would be your next search, right? Wouldn't that be the natural? What is NWS code? Or whatever. Airport code. NWS. What if it is?


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[Assistant] Oh god, nothing works. Just surrender, Tom. You know, it's, life isn't perfect all the time. Anyways, I thought I was pretty R-worded.


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[Assistant] ATX, and, and, you know what's what I love about these Pajitski effects is that it just blows, it really, you can feel the neural pathways in your brain changing when you have these epiphanies, like you're, I can walk up the hill twice, like your brain reorients, it's just amazing.


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[Assistant] Right. Right. Why don't we allow ourselves these things? It's so funny.


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[Assistant] Right? Cause AUS... Wait, but Australia's not an airport.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, and what's interesting too is that it led to a thunderstorm early this morning. Powerful.


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[Assistant] Awoken to the sound of thunder and rain.


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[Assistant] What an interesting climate we live in. I just love it. Cause I was in, uh, Momver, which was delightful. Thank you to everybody that came out. What powerful shows. I went to Denver airport and I was overcome with satanic, penile, phallic messages. But before that,


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[Assistant] I, the weather was very cold and I had to wear a jacket. And I thought that was different.


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[Assistant] No, and I'm excited to hear how to properly use them so we don't offend the demon community.


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[Assistant] Please make a note of it. Okay, noted. The absolute insanity. The insanity to think that you can just put out a statement like that and know everybody has to do it, otherwise you get to claim that they're hateful. So crazy.


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[Assistant] Please, tell me everything. So, so let's recap the story. I just think this is so funny.


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[Assistant] Those are two powerhouses, three powerhouses. All you guys together is just...


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[Assistant] He added to the transgender community, I am more than willing to give you an audience, but you will not summon me. Great. And, oh, I am not bending to anyone's demands, and if you want to meet with me, I am more than willing to, but I have some conditions.


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[Assistant] You continued, this is amazing. First of all, you cannot come if you have not watched my special from beginning to end.


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[Assistant] You must come to a place of my choosing at a time of my choosing, and thirdly, you must admit that Hannah Gatsby is not funny.


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[Assistant] The balls on this guy. And that's why he's brilliant and just the greatest. I mean...


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[Assistant] Finally, somebody fuckin' said that out loud, number one. And, and, well, and also, you know, if you're listening, you're like, what about Hannah? She spoke out against him.