[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, I've seen him a few times, and I realized that he is acting. He's doing a bit, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like him, but you know, what happens is a lot of times you play really real people. You know? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, look how he shoots it. He lays down, he always has food in his fucking mustache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, shark, I'm here eating some Cheetos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's cut off, but you want to come here on, invited on vacation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's probably followers, you know. That's what he calls, maybe he calls his followers tiburones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't know. Don't know if those are implants or part of the bikini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, my main thing is like, I'm not even thinking about if she's gonna eat a rat. I'm thinking like, why are you gonna eat 20?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know who does that? Uh, customer service people. You ever understand what I mean? You go uhm, I don't know, you're checking into a hotel or something. And they'll be like, do you have any plans? And you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing, no. I wouldn't have posted that. I would have deleted that, discarded that upload. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're always bringing up Gosling. I think that's the real answer. Gosling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this guy is, this is serious body dysmorphia. I mean, look at his traps. Those aren't real traps and like, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like, I do like though that it's something about like, do you want, you know, here's what you should do with your money and then it goes through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't see a Tom Cruise impersonator. You saw a deep fake of Tom Cruise. It was perfection. You're like, it kind of looks like Tom Cruise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy. Guys love me. Loves you. Loves me. You know who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking to himself is pretty great. Reminds me of that prank phone call. Of that guy. He's like, who's bitch ass is this? He's like, who the fuck are you? And it's him recording it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately the shirt ripped, but it was pretty cool. Thanks. I think you're pretty cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, you know, chick puts out fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd be like, what are you doing? Like this is happening in our schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. Love you too. It was fun, uh, to do this. We got to, we got to reconnect with Dr. Joe Court. Yeah, that was nice. Had some great videos. Daddy Long, stop calling me daddy, he's back. Uhm, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our closing song is by, uh, wick, wicked. It's called, uh, Burt Kerscher, wrong name. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Bye bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand's gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look people, the only thing that's depopulating us, and a real, uh, thing to worry about, is all these drones, stars up above. Every four seconds, they send a bullet to your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't feel it because you're desensitized. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, in order to shield with sonic weapons, you need Magneto Sonic here. Pretty simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cut about, uh, radi- you get some radiation x-ray glasses at eBay. There's the kind of glasses right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you cut it in little circles about five to a stack. Five to a stack. Then you epoxy them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a recent episode of the Bill Burt podcast with Burt Kirschner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really afraid of it. I don't want to taste brown, and I'm afraid of his brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Stamps.com. We love Stamps.com because it saves you time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And money. I mean, why are you still wasting your life going to the post office? We've been using stamps.com for years because it's just efficient. You can mail and ship anytime, anywhere right from your computer. You can send letters, ship packages and pay less, a lot less. And now


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, uh, you do UPS, right? From your computer. It's a must have for any business. It's so simple. You print out that postage and you set up a time and the mail carrier comes to pick it right up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no risk. And with our promo code MOM, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and the digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in MOM. That's Stamps.com promo code MOM. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saatva mattress company. You've heard me talk about it for years, going on almost a decade now. Why? We bought our first, uh, luxury firm king mattress, uh, about eight years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fell in love with this company. I love the quality of the mattress. I love their customer service. It was just a win-win. I contacted Saatva and said, look, I have a podcast. I want to talk about your product because I love it so much. And over the years we've gotten the Lumenleaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've partnered with them now to, they have our, they gave us our own URL. Go to satva.com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can get $200 off your next Saatva purchase. Saatva is spelled S-A-A-T-V-A. Again, saatva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Saatva purchase. Trot out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do the Harlem Shake. Remember the Harlem Shake? Is that what that show was called? There's a little bit of that in there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other one starts off with a, wait, darn, darn. No, that was that one. That was this one? Yeah, this is the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is such a good line. Yeah. I'm Chuck Waller, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's losing it. Did you know Tila Tequila lost her damn mind too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about her on WMMA, how that VH1 block of reality shows were just, it was such a golden time for reality shows. It was like rock of love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tila Tequila, the bisexual dating show, remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, yeaah, she was just like a MySpace ho and then remember we went to go watch I Love New York get taped? Because my friend was working on it and you hated it. You hated being on reality shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is terrible. Yeah. Well, those were crazy. That was a different time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, but we love, I love those reality shows. I am now into a new show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not know this existed. I haven't watched regular TV in a decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'd been training and he's in really good shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, these are everyday people. Everyday Americans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is cause you think to yourself, this could be me. I could be the next. You're right. But you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this show. Is it, is it running still though? Yeah, it's a good, it's a hit. Cause it's a good show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, chicks can do everything. I'm sorry, on American Ninja Warrior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm just saying, in this, the episodes I've seen of American Ninja Warrior,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far, you know, there are women that can complete the course, but it takes a lot longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I think that they're not as exciting to watch because, look, I'm all equal rights, duh, obvi. I just think, hey, sorry, guys are built differently, uh, they can play things a lot harder, uh, basketball, I'm not a big sports person anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But however, Yana, if you look at tennis, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Football, there's no such thing, right? No such thing, yeaah. Now what about the UFC? Are they're female? Yes, and they're excellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I take it back on that. But I will say, look, in the terms of American Ninja Warrior, so far, I've seen that the men really excel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so dope. Now that's just silly. That's just- Yeah, no, it's totally- It's just a look at- It's a disrespect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No fucking way. No, that's different. And running? Aren't women good at running too? Flojo? I remember Flojo. Oh, sprinting. Sprinting? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think, and maybe this is stupid and misinformed, and a stupid thought, but you could correct me if I'm wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the female body might be more inclined with our musculature and the way our balance is to be better at certain things, whereas a male body due to its design, you know, have strengths and weaknesses either direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the time. Now there are some, are there women that can kick some dudes asses? Of course. By and large. You guys could all snap my neck. Pretty easily. If I wanted to fight any of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm. Chris Larson. Maybe I could have a fighting chance with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, you mean to tell me in a fight he could kick my ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys, I mean, do you ever think about that? What that's like to be in a position of vulnerability?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I could be killed, raped, murdered by all of you at any time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Half the world's population is at the whim of male aggression and that's gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did your dad have to tell you, growing up, don't rape women? Never. Don't assault women? No. So that's not something that you teach boys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As long as you're modeling the good behaviors, you don't have to like tell them, don't. You never have to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Wow. They're not the next American ninja.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm from Palm Springs, I'm 55 years old, and I'm gonna be America's next Ninja Warrior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how Nadav wrote, we would never hurt you on the board. Like I would worry about that. If anybody were to rape or assault me, let's see, who would it be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I'm just thinking in a theoretical parallel universe, like who would attack me? Who's gonna attack me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Alright, well, I mean, you don't wanna know who feels the most threatening? No. It's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Tom, guys, definitely. Who's gonna fucking kill me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What could I do that would make you kill me? Like, seriously? Where you're just like, I'm gonna fucking snap this bitch's neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what would push you to physical violence with me? Is there something I could do? God, this is why I wish I had the fort mic. We had hummus for lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always after lunch that I miss the fart mic so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you kill me if I ruined every sneeze moving forward?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to see if you'll do it. Yeah, I just wanted to see if you'd kill me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this is so silly because the audience loves when I fart. No they don't. And they're crying for the fart mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a Twitter- you're not the audience. The audience is who's listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true. That is not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you just shattered my whole assumption about your mom's house that people enjoyed fart talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like- Fart talk? I mean, who doesn't like Fart and Brown? I doubt that, Your Honor. I highly doubt the validity of that statement, Your Honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing grosser than long nails on men. It really grosses me out. Cause I think of them fingering your cooch and then cutting your cooch up with those long nails and those dirty under.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I think of Nikki Glaser, she says she likes to get fracked. She goes, I like to, I like to get fingered hard, like it's fracking. Fracking? Fracking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, certain stuff just sticks in your head for like, months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I didn't flick it. You didn't see me flick it. I rolled it up and I put it in my pocket. You didn't see the second half of that footage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the evidence, all I see the evidence is that I may have picked my nose and I put it in my finger. There was no flicking, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't flick it, Yana. The evidence did not reveal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love him. He's always so hyped about whatever he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even want to try the wall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they did like a lesser version, like American- American Junior Ninja Warrior? Yea, like not so ninja warrior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I want. See, it's one thing to watch super fit Americans, but let's watch super out of shape Americans try obstacle courses. That might be a better show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how much? Here's the thing, it's all about the uniforms. He would have to wear a unitard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Borat onesie, like that onesie, like it's all-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just having middle-aged men try to shoot hoops like you. Or just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] America and the world loved your basketball video so much, you brought so much joy to people with that video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, so I, you know, you and I for years have made jokes about the men's warehouse tagline. You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it. Did you know that the men's warehouse guy who says that line, that was the boss, the CEO, whatever, and now he's kicked out, that they squeezed him out and he no longer does. That was a while ago. Was that a while ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, have you heard of wireless earbuds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, I didn't see this on Friendster, I didn't know. Have you heard of Vine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would they fire him? Well, I've been a bit high and I've been making small children. Do you know what it says there? He was fired last night as executive chairman with no explanation by the company. Fans furiously took to the brand's Facebook page to lament the departure of Zimmer. And I liked his hole. You're gonna like the way you look. Yeah, here's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it worked because it was so natural and so real and it didn't, it felt like you shouldn't be doing the commercials and you knew that and that's why it worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to tell him how to start. I was going there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So simply, I've used Squarespace before, I have made four websites on that thing, man. It's so easy, you don't have to know coding. You don't have to know how to put a plugin in, which is such a pain in the ass when those plugins expire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have analytics to help you grow in real time, free and secure hosting, nothing to patch or upgrade ever, 24 seven award winning customer support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really just is the best. And also I like it too because the templates are clean and intuitive. Nothing worse than going to a website that's just cluttered. So you're going to find a good one at Squarespace. Head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I respect Texas now that we live in Austin, and if it says on the packaging, spicy, it fucking is, or even medium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and did you go into the come and go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you also, was it thought provoking for you as it was for me? I thought that's an interesting name choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. And you know to change it from a C to a K. You know why you did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, but he just broke his dumb ass in half in December.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does your mom think about that, the magician, comedian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. So you guys have been together for a long time and I'm assuming you want to stay married for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Tom's been trying to get me to lick his scrum for a long time now, and I'm really afraid of it. I don't want to taste brown, and I'm afraid of his-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're making this, we're talking about it now. Like, what if he waxes his b-hole and then he cleans it and then, like, how long will it have to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, okay, and then these, so these boys in the booth are dating now, they're in their 20s and 30s, and they're telling me that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is getting your b-hole licked and eating and that girls are just doing that stuff like on apps and stuff they'll just come to your house and lick your asshole. Do you believe it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you say that to her? Are you guys open like that? Or you could say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are, you're a little more reserved. Is this, is this, are you, were you brought up Christian? That's okay. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably came in to bring this up. What about, did you know that girls are just shaving everything down there now? Everything gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they're just vaginas, torsos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see how we brought Nate to the dark side of the forest? He came in a good person. You're slowly coming over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't really help being a dirt bag. I, I, I, like I, I always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always wondered how Clean Comics come up. Like, how do you work as a feature act? Like, especially like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ISPs can sell this information to ad companies and tech giants who then use your data to target you. How grody, huh? ExpressVPN creates a secure, encrypted,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So secure your online activity by visiting expressvpn.com slash your mom today. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash your mom and you can get an extra three months free expressvpn.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I talk to you now, you're like even talking about ass eating and you're just kinda like, that's not my lane. Like I can tell it's not. It's not in the front of your mind the way it is with Tom. It's gonna be. When he gets home in the night, it's gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my mom told me early in my comedy career, she goes, you know, what you should do is have a tool belt. And then you put different tools in the belt and then you can talk about the each tool, what the tool does. That's good advice. Someone did that already. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good lane, and it would attract a very specific demographic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what's so interesting, listening to the two of you talk about comedy, the experience is so different because both of you are like, yeah, I can go out and I'll just start slow and they'll just come with me and it'll be fine. Whereas as my experience, especially as a woman coming up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before when no one wanted to fucking hear a woman. So I would go out and it would be like arms folded. Everybody's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel like the opposite is my experience was always like, alright monkey, fucking dance. So from the minute I'm out there, I'm going to start with my hottest shit. I'm going to win you motherfuckers over and I'm going to change your mind about what the fuck you just saw. You're going to suck my dick when this is done. Um, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, it's just, it's a totally, uh, different... What else was I gonna fuckin' say? I wrote it down and I forgot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did and then I forgot. Just that one thought about like being able to take your time is such a different...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking about this earlier, that I have the risk of getting raped and murdered a lot, right? Like, I could get raped and murdered by you, even. I think you could kill me, arguably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are, you guys are the same side, it's interesting, it's like, it's like, right? In the college football? The football and then the dark side, you guys are both dork-sided, but you're just, you're fooling yourself that you're like a nice Christian guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, smart. The Ruskies, man. I know, they love this shit. You know, this is all like that, proving that you're masculine, proving you're macho. You know, swimming in the ice water, drinking vodka, wrestling bears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem is that we almost saw some crazy shit and this show fe- like is this the almost crazy shit show or is this the crazy shit show? I mean it's the truck drivers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to feel bad about it. See, I want you to feel bad about it, Nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how funny he thinks that is. And both of you think it's funny. See, this is what's interesting. You're right. You're connected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it wastes your time of developing your actual material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a piece of music. It's like you're orchestrating an hour of music and it has a timing and a flow. And I remember what I was going to fucking say earlier. The pressure to murder every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I have that. Because of like, as a little chick, as a lady, you want to be like, I can't but I can't afford to bomb out. Like I can't, cause then that's like a room full of people that can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they shouldn't. I agree though. Yeah, they shouldn't. Sometimes you get real sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a California word, aggro. It's a skatery kinda vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, like, that guy, that guy, that dude was fuckin' aggro, bro. Like, dude, you so aggro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, if I lay down on my back, it's like I'm leaving all my, my vital organs exposed. And then when jumps on my stomach, they jump on my head. They fuck you up. They scratch me and like kick you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by MeUndies. Summer is coming in hot, literally, but with MeUndies breathable and soft as heck fabrics, you can soak up the sun and feel cool for the summer. I love MeUndies. Let me tell you, my favorite t-shirt


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I have ever owned is a MeUndies t-shirt. It's a black ringer tee and I just love it. But their underwear is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the styles are just fantastic. You'll never get bored with me undies. And they have all these sizes from extra small to 4XL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meandies has a great offer for our listeners. For any first time purchasers, you get 15% off and free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MeUndies also has their problem free philosophy. If you're not satisfied with any product for any reason, they'll refund or exchange. No questions. To get your 15% off your first order and free shipping, go to meundies.com slash mom. That's meundies.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you, so when someone makes the comment on your Instagram, you posted the announcement, why don't you come to San Francisco?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! You liked your wedding ring, I thought. No, but can you wear it now? Can you shove it on that finger now? I feel like it's time. Tom, let's go. Put it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you've ever written a sappy, uh, social media post for me. Uh, it's really not me. It's not me either. I feel like a douche. Every time it's his birthday, I'll be like, tell Tom happy 50th or something. Like it's a joke. It's never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always take a picture. That's what he says too. Just when someone goes, big fan. Tom respects that. And there's, yeah, like don't really talk to me a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I feel Nate is more giving emotionally than you might be, like that he shares these thoughts with you. Like, I'm just telling you about your friendship that you guys are gonna have moving forward. But we are friends, we do text.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you, the ones that I like, not really. But then sometimes there are those hits. Yeaah. Sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi guys, I like to use this brand of toilet paper or whatever it is. It feels gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his head and his hands look enormous and just husky. With his lot of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His dick is pink too. Yeah. Like his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what I like about this video, and it's kind of a regression in, in terms of his work, his opus, is that, I mean, the intro, it took a good three seconds to get into the story. And on TikTok, you don't have the luxury of time. It's a 15 second story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But still, time is money and there's not a lot of real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a truck driver. So that's him as he starts his shift. And then, it's real loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've met him. Oh. I've had a picnic, a romantic picnic with the king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to know what he likes for breakfast? I don't know if this made the final cut of the video. I asked him, like, what's hot breakfast for you? It sounds like you're really into it. And he's like, uhm, bacon, ham, steak, sausage. I'm like, that's all meat. He's like, yeah. It's keto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And honest and truthful aren't those similar traits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty good. Come on, you two fucking undertakers. That was fun. Let's have some joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of times TikTok will ban you if they feel your content is inappropriate. I myself got banned for the first time. They banned my videos for one week. I wasn't allowed to post any new content. So he thinks that they reviewed his case and because like a committee reviewed his TikTok case, that that's why he's been reinstated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. But it smells and it's also sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning. Happy Friday. Hope everyone had a great night last night. Ready for a great day and get ready for the weekend. It is weekend time. Before I get started, anything else, I'll do a few shout outs this morning. I want to do a shout out for birthday, Lauren Roskos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, happy birthday, have a great day, 20 years old today. Also a happy Friday to Lauren, excuse me, Kyler, Breezy and Kat, just a happy Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Want everybody to stay positive? Be blessed. Make it a great day today. And today's Friday, so what's tomorrow? If you don't work, it's weekend time. So have a good one and be blessed. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But is it a full size bag? I have never looked at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take her off. Take her down. She's awesome. That's crazy that you've both been hurt within six months. Six months? Six months, dude. How about the fact how quick you've healed in six months?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, 10 years ago, I don't think you would have healed, they would have had you healed as quick. I'm not saying, I'm not saying new physically, just technology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to see if she heals the same quickness as you. Like you're just going to have a challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I broke my ankle, uh, probably five years ago. Hockey? No, mountain biking in Pennsylvania. It started raining and I was on grass and I just flew off a cliff and I was by myself and I broke my ankle and I'm just like lying there and I'm like, I had to finish the ride. I had to get myself back to the bottom of the thing on a broken ankle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like on one leg, just like leaning on one leg. Uh, and when I was in the hospital, they had a guy come in from the prison, you know, like he gets an orange, he's in an orange jumpsuit. And I'm like, it's a little town. I'm like, oh, this is where it all goes down. I can't get away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said it, they said it, they were, I was fine, uh, I had to fly back. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got off, well yeaah, I got off in Houston, it was a different color, so I got off in Houston, went to the hospital, and I remember, yeaah, I remember the doctor saying-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they didn't tell me not to fly. They didn't say, I said, I had to go back. They didn't say, oh, it'll be a couple of days before you fly. And I'm like, yeah. And I said, okay. So I tried to keep it elevated. I go to the hospital and the doctor's a complete douche. She goes, I'm concerned about your blood pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he says. I'm like, my leg is blue and I'm like, you're concerned about my blood pressure. Any chance it might be up because maybe I'm freaking out if my fucking, my coverage covers this hospital. Cause I don't know where I am. And he's just like, Oh, that might be, you might be stressed. I'm like, Oh yeah, there's nothing. Check my cortisol level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yes, and also it makes you feel like there's, you're a complete, you're a mess. You're like, oh, what will I do ever again? Like you must have freaked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, will I ever be normal again? Oh yeaah. Cause you were a disaster. Total disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yes. Help them out. Help them out. Don't be a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a pretty good one. Don't be a dick!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the three quarter length jean shorts, so Canadian right there. It gets better. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think maybe, maybe like Manitoba. You look at that. Just look at that gravel on top of pavement. That's Canada, right? That's springtime Canada. Get my three quarter jeans. We're going out. It's cold, but it's warm. The, um, like just the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just called, he said, I called your boss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Canadian cops are good until a certain point and then they, like I remember I got pulled over when I was 16 and they gave me a ticket for erratic driving. It looked like erotic driving and the cop said, you know what this is for? And I said erotic driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then boom, no, it was not happy at all. Not happy. You know what's funny? I guarantee you that guy knows that cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. I see those on TikTok and I'm like, what are you doing? You can't, I'm not rolling down my window. You can't do this. Oh, they roll it down for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't know if you needed me to dance or not. Cops get some weird stuff, you feel bad for them, and then there's the cops that deal with it well, and then there's the other cop, and I was like, I don't have to answer anything, and then that cop is the exact same person as that cop that's being yelled at. You know, I think that made sense. Did that make sense at all? I don't know what you said, but I feel like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know why I come here. You live in Texas. I live in Texas, I do. Hey, you know what my favorite part about the Texas, you guys all moving to Texas is? What? Have you been to the Improv at all? The Melrose Improv? No. So they have a stairwell that goes up to a green room now on the inside of the Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was told that, uh, they built that because Joe Rogan said, you should have a stairwell for comics to go like me down today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it goes from that upstairs green room to the stage. I did not know that. Inside. You should get out every once in a while. You're not judging people's weird way of talking. What an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know why I'm here anymore. Christina's been murdered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bred her too much, that's the problem. Yeaah. Yeaah, you just keep putting babies inside her. I'm done. You're done? I'm done. You're gonna go back to finger banging?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Good for you. Yeah. You want kids? No. No. You can't breed this. This is the end of the line right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm pretty sure my parents should have stopped. They had two, right? Yeaah, two. Two wrong kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, my sister's a union rep for teachers. Oh really? Yeaah. In Canada? Yeaah, she's been voted in. My sister's in politics. And then I say, unitard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, my dad's got one ball. He had testicular cancer? No, one didn't drop. Really? Yes. But is it a full size bag? I have never looked at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you ask him? I'll ask him, I'll set him up. Hey dad, get a picture of your bag. That'd be great. Just put a picture of a bag up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. That he's got a big dick? No, but I'm not surprised. Why are you not surprised? Because you can't talk like that. Like you know everything and have a little weenie. Yeaah. Yeaah. You gotta have a, that's a, that's a huge cock talker. That's big dick energy to be that smart. Yeaah, that's right there. Yeaah. Uh, Tyson, that Neil Tyson. Can you google it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? Neil, he's got a big one too. Neil Tyson? Yeah, you can feel it, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, that's a big beard yeaah. Or a huge sack with a little weenie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's good. That's good times. I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know. Well, I think so. Don't you think all the kids on Big Bang Theory were packing too? You think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, Walter's got extra meat on top of his meat, so I didn't understand. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pool was always the weirdest freaks, just this old men hanging out there for no reason when you're a kid and you're just like, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee you half of them are in bra and panties because I forgot to put in their bathing suits. For sure. Yeah. Women are disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just trying to get through life. Look at him, his mouth is open. You dirty bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you had my, I told you guys about the, about the guys from Spitting Chicklets. Have you had them on the show yet? No. You gotta have the guys from Spitting Chicklets on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, they're the funniest guys out there. They talk about hockey. You'll be confused, but they're Canadian. They'll say those words. Well, one of them's Canadian. One's from Boston. You'll have a great time with them. They're so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys just turned him off. Ian, we have a lot of different levels on our stairwell. People can get hurt. Can you shut up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Isn't it weird he's wearing his grandma's glasses? With the cord? With the cord, everything. Super weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he should get some more than just the one vaccine that's out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause his house, if you've seen the video a couple before, his house doesn't have a foundation. Right. So you wouldn't expect him to have a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not it. That's not him. Those pictures are actually taken the right way. I'll tell you the handle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeah. So he posted all those? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suddenly my Instagram doesn't look so bad. No, you're doing fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's where he figured out how to put them down. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll just film a car door. I'll be like, look at this banana slit. And then his noise is yayayay!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Oh my. Well good for him. He's probably somebody's father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a bag. That's such a fantastic bag. Come on. Let me eat your ass. Come on. It's a great thing to throw at somebody. It's a good move. Totally is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, you know who's not getting canceled? That guy. That guy. Nope. There's nothing you can take from him. No, you can't, you can't cancel somebody that's being honest. Which he totally is. And polite. And all about the other person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also like to do a thing where you have to get hit by the water to turn it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just soaked and then you're wondering what diseases because it happens every week when every week every day somebody stays there so they're bringing it in. It's the worst design. I refuse to eat ass in those hotels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you can trick me with the pecans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you guys, what do you guys have in your house? You guys have, you guys have a big old, you guys got different, like, you got the tub and then you have the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just no bull, that's all. Same thing. Just walking, just going for a walk up Runyon Canyon, just pull off into the side, shit, and keep moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys gone into the bathroom here and found footprints? He won't do it here. He's never shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wasn't getting you off drugs, he was talking to you about poop. He should not have been telling you anything like that. Oh my god. Will you see a GI?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're gonna move to Texas and it's drier there, so you're gonna poop even less, so it's gonna go down to once every three weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] California? Yea. I don't know, I'm over it. You're over it? Yea. You've had enough? I've had enough here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, is he playing, who's playing him as a young guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just ends with him naked on stage and people going nuts, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. That's good for him. I didn't know he was doing that. There's like a thing. It's with the banks. So is, is that, is that why he's been so quiet on Instagram? Like I was, I was, I was, I didn't want to say anything. I thought he had a horrible disease or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it, it's pretty wild. Does Mark Hamill look like his dad in real life or? No, not at all, not at all. So whose choice was it to get Mark Hamill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If anybody should have a life, a life movie, it should be him, right? His life is insane. Oh, love it. But he poops at least once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. How is it that gnarly? He must have terrifying nightmares every night or something like that, right? I think so, yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you told me he was a big budget. Doesn't, if they're only doing his sheets now, it doesn't seem like he's got that big of a budget. I feel like they spent all the money on Mark and he can't get sheets. I don't know, man. I love him. He's so sweaty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really does sweat a lot. Does he think that the, uh, the, the vaccine makes him magnetic cause he can stick a key or and everything else to his body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he able to, does he do it or what? Who, Burt? Yeaah. I'm sure if you... Cause everything will stick to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He should get it just sort of the parking spot. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe he only shits every two weeks, that just terrifies me. Yea, no, it's, it's- And I can't believe-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is it not bad? If a doctor says that, oh, that's a surprise and then says, oh, that's crazy. That one usually should say, no, that's not good to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which part concerns you more, the way he's pooping or the amount that he's pooping? Yea, it's gotta be a crazy amount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, he's not got a fist drill or whatever they call it, right? But, he also said you can blow your butt hole out. He did say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you see those people that like fist other people. Oh, we've seen those. I know you guys have, but you're like concerned about them. You know, that can't, that can't be good for your butthole. Cannot be. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You knew it wasn't going to end well because that's the thinnest pool ever of all time. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Dr. Drew would say just walk that off. Remember to have a shower later on and everything will be fine. I'm in Greece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was terrifying. Okay. How many ribs got displaced?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about the concussion? You feel that too. That concussions. Yeah. At that, at that height, I mean that's, that's like hitting cement, you know? Yeah, that's a concussion and those, that, that, that blood there is the least of your worries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's, that's no. Dude. He's gonna fall asleep while drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your construction, your construction abilities. That's not good construction. That's a fire exit that doesn't help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think you guys could disturb me more than him pooping once every two weeks, but that guy's fucking, his, his hips went through his fucking pelvis, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's gotta, the knees is where he's gotta really give, right? Yeah, he's gotta have the knee give. And they don't give, they go straight. And by the way- This motherfucker. If this had been you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've, I've never parkour, parkoured before and I'll just do it right now. I was like parkour, what's it called? Parkour. Yeah. He says, I've seen some videos online. I think I can do this. Get my yellow boots. I'm about to jump from the roof. Worst fireman ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if he had, if he shat the same way as that guy does, he would have shat himself if this had been a week into his non-shitting for two weeks. Just fucking, just a huge lump comes out of his ass. He's so super mega fucked. Excuse my language. He's super mega fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great animation character, SuperMegaFucked. SuperMegaFucked!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand up comic for my daughter's abortion. Do you go in with her and do that? Do it like you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about how tight you kept your puss. I mean, you work at Verizon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You work at Verizon, and it's not even Verizon, you're like a, a, a subsidiary store. You work at the kiosk. How about the guy that say, that say his daughter would be a terrible mom? Well, you're a fucking horrible father. Well, I would think, yeah. Yeah. She should have probably been aborted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, you got your opener right there. Yeaah. This family should have been aborted. Howie Mandel would have just blown up a balloon over his head. He's on the cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, good for him. I wonder how he'd do it in an abortion roast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad Link Severe Anxiety OCD. But he's still got that 1950s comic where he's got the hand on the face. Hand on the face, yea. Hey, I'm about to tell you some things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get my glasses. Do you know him? No. I've heard about him. He's very nice. I'm sure he's very nice. I met him one time when I first started stand-up in Canada. And I was at the punch line where I was like basically an amateur and he dropped in and did a set and I was just like, you know, I was from a little town in Canada and suddenly this famous guy is right in front of me. I'm just like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, why are you here? I like just looking at him and he's like, I'm going to do stand up. I'm like, okay. Weird. Which city were you in? Vancouver. Vancouver. Yea, but he was all of a sudden, but all of a sudden he's going to do the open mic night. He's just going to do drop by and do 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He didn't do 10 minutes. People went nuts. He did an hour. And then we all, all the amateurs got to do it as they flocked after him as he ran down the street. Yeah. Fuck Howie Mandel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the point of this. He's, he's the Dr. Drew of comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just like, he's my friend, leave him alone. Poor Drew. Boy, he's awesome. I, I, I, I love Dr. Drew's shows where he gets the people off the drugs. Oh yeaah. I love those shows. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every episode he cried. Give me back my drugs. Give me my drugs. Who was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was weird because you're like, he had everything going. Yeah. Like everything. And then end up like that. Let that be a lesson. It's because you got everything going. Your butthole gets spread out because you aren't pooping enough. Everything, right? Everything. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, pizza. Fuck you up. Cocaine will make you get your dumb things done. Oop, I just fucking mumbled that out, didn't I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Odeed. I'm sure I would have kept trying more. You would have been a different human. I'm glad you, I'm glad you Odeed. Thanks. Did Dr. Drew say he's happy that you Odeed too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He should go in and talk to his people before they cry about their back pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Did I ever tell you about the time we made our own heroin? No. So I'm living, one of my, I just started doing comedy and I'm living with these guys in Vancouver and, uh, this house that we were living in grew poppies and this guy, uh, Blaine came over and he's like, hey, those are heroin poppies. Let's, let's bleed them so we bled them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we, uh, we cooked it down and then we, uh, we didn't shoot it but we smoked it and, and I had like the worst time with it. Really? And that's what stopped me from doing drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got high as fuck. Oh, I, I, I remember, uh, going to, I was just, everything was chasing me. I was being chased by everything and I was just like, Oh, I gotta get out of here. Yeah. And I couldn't, I couldn't relax for probably about 12 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's called, isn't that called, uh, like, uhm, Colorado? Yea, you can do it there. Everything, you can just do everything there. Yea, man. Which one would you try if you could try anything right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't, when we made it ourselves, it was not, we probably almost killed ourselves on something, is what we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's insane. I hope my mom doesn't listen to this episode. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny. I tell everybody this is the best show out there. You know that, right? You guys know that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have a lot of fun and the people that listen to it and the people that work with you, it's just, it's just the best one out there. And I'm not being a suck up. I'm telling you, it's the best one out there. Fuck everybody else. Fuck em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything more white trash than just the hot tub?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a hot tub. Alright, I'm coming over. I'll come fuck your wife. Alright. Hey man, we just got a bad batch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been there, yeaah, where the mouth doesn't add up to the brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That cat. He's pissed about that cat. You gotta take care of that son of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom does like a sailor. She does? Yeaah. Just like, man, that fuckin' guy down the street. Really? Yeaah. Pretty funny. That's the best. My dad does it and it doesn't sound right. He's like, oh yea, you're a fuckin' mom. And I'm just like, ooh, easy, easy, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was just, I'm not gonna say it though, I just put it out there, just because, you know, really, this lady should be taking care of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I guarantee he gets his show on fucking the food channel. Ugh. What is that burger, too? What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's letting you know he's got a nice body still again. What's his, what's his bottom part like huge and then he had small upper body? Can we see it again? Sure. Like he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's having too much. He's having too much. What is it? It's not called roe. What do they call that? The one with fish eggs. I thought it was roe. Salmon roe. Is that what it is? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I have. You have? Yeah. You've seen a dumb fisherman just pick it up and just joke with it like this guy. This guy put on a shirt, you fucking freak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's spicy, that stuff? I do. What's that bowl? What are those bugs? Who cares about that? We've all seen bugs. What about the art this guy's put together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bowl and the hot sauce. Oh, it's, it's, it's quite a, it's quite a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thailand. Yeah, maybe Thailand. Good for him though, getting out there and making a video of it. Here's the thing, I'll say this, he's in shape. Yeah, he is definitely in shape. He's the Anthony Bourdain of Bug People. Yeah. Doesn't say much. Doesn't say much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some, some people's TikTok is just amazing. It's amazing. He just does so much great. I guess that's a stitch. Is that a stitch one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm shocked and surprised that guy fucks kids dolls. That was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's all stuff like this. I mean, I'm sure. I might have to follow it now. Oh, it's phenomenal. Are they pretending or are they like, do they know they're pretending?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't that, that's what martial arts used to be, and then all of a sudden it turned into actual real stuff, people actually fighting, remember? Yeah, yeah. They're like, 70s and 80s, it was just like, wah, wah. Oh yeah, it was just like, it was just like parading around, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can close this one. So do you think all four of them own hot tubs? For sure. Absolutely. You can fuck every one of their wives. Even the ladies. Even the ladies' wives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a podcast called Sword and Scale. Yea, which is really well known. It's a true crime podcast. Mostly murder. And now I'm part of the after show. Me and another guy, Matt Fondalier, we do an after show on these episodes and starting July.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I would say stupid stuff and get us into trouble all the time. Gotcha. And Mike Boudet, who does Sword and Scale, comes on every so often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just talk about these murders because they're just out of control. It's kind of, it's kind of like Dateline, but he takes it another step. It's not nothing. Hold back. And he does these investigations. That's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got a, a, a crew and they do interviews and stuff like that and they go out and they talk to people that were involved in these things and really get to the deep of it and it's just, people are fucking weird, man. Weird. Yeah, so if you like true crime and then if you like my stupidness, uh, yeah, check that out. That's awesome. It's the Sword and Scale Rewind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, ianbag.com, and thank you for, like, honest to God, your people have been so kind to me, they've been coming out to shows and saying nice things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of toilet paper to use after two weeks of not shitting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean like what brand? Like yea, do you like it soft? Do you hose yourself down or what do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take a shit, I'll see you in three hours, man. You go right to the event with him. Yeah. Oh yeah. Girls, he's available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I've had enough of you. Thanks for having me on your Black Panther


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, we got a bunch of new merch right now. Go to store.ymhstudios.com and get that hot new gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Stamps.com. Think about all the things you could do with a little extra time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you love to eat at? Of course. Could you go shopping for a new sofa? You could because you have extra time and extra money. Are you still going to the post office paying full price for postage? Well, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TheStamps.com, you don't have to do that anymore. Mail and ship anytime, anywhere, right from your computer. Send letters, ship packages and pay less, a lot less, with discounted rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From USPS, UPS and more, Stamps.com saves businesses thousands of hours and tons of money every year. Stop wasting time going to the post office and go to Stamps.com instead. There's no risk and our promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom, that's stamps.com, enter the promo code mom, stamps.com, never go to the post office again. Guys, head on over to SATVA, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com and get yourself the mattress you deserve to sleep on. You deserve high quality sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luxury firm mattress that you find at a five-star hotel. If you prefer memory foam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That line is called Loom and Leaf, and if you want the mattress that moves up and down, sits up, has the legs go up, zero gravity setting, vibrates you to sleep, that's called Solair. It's all at Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com. If you go to Saatva dot com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Again, this is incredible, incredible products made by a company that believes in giving you incredible customer service, mattress takeaway service. They have it all. Satva.com. S-A-A-T-V-A.com slash the shit and get started right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She put a little swag on hole. She doesn't go, stick your dick in the wrong hole. She goes, stick your dick in the wrong hole. That's how she said it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stick your dick in the wrong hole. Yeah, hoes don't, hoes don't talk like that. You don't want to stick your dick in the wrong hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let me help you out. You're gonna be in... Chomaha, Nebraska. June 3rd, 4th, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you're going to Salt Lake City, June 11th and 12th, and then you're in San Antonio, LOL, July 15th, 16th, and 17th, over to Liberty Township, July 22nd through the 24th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's in Ohio. Columbus, August 12th, 13 and 14. Funny bone there. Oklahoma City, Bricktown, September 23rd, 24th and 25th. And then you're in Indianapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In October, all tickets are at Christina P online. More dates coming. I've got a big one to announce. I have my goes in Espanol. That's great. They're moving. I have to tell you, I, uh, I've moved my Greensboro dates to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August. Uhm, but the big big announcement is that I will be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your boy is going to be there back at the Mirage at the Terry Vator Theater. I'll be there July 2 and 3. ThompsonGurray.com for tickets, for all tickets. That's really exciting that Vegas is open July 2 and 3 and I'm going back there. I have my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, uh huh, you're walking around Las Vegas Boulevard barefoot? Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a new hoe. The experienced hos. At least keep like, uh, like, petty sandals in your purse or something, you know? Protect yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's, uh, let's open the show. You ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going good. Starting to jerk off with this hand. Is that right? Fun things are happening. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did really well, and then you slept the rest of the day and all night. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's cool. I remember that too, Betsy. Yeah. Hey, take a nap, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, we also call her Captain Marcel. Hey Captain Marcel! Captain! Captain Marcel!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think she's done enough for today. I think we should let her have her peace now. We'll go back to you later once you're ready to talk, okay? Get your rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, theories that, uh, that you didn't know about, that have yet to be proven, but he, uh, yeaah, diet advice, nutrition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told me, you're like, I'm not gonna tell you ahead of time, but I have something to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, by the way, that one is not as crazy as... We have a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A, a cabinet that has the magnetic unlock thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they put a, they put a cabinet in my office. And they're like, it auto locks and then it gives you like a little magnet to, because like you put it over the area on the outside and then it opens it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there was something in there, and then Christina has it in her hand, so I'm like, oh okay, she opened it. And then I go, and I notice that the magnet is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you open this? And she goes like this. And she puts her hands on the door and she goes, and she yanks it open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, have you been doing that this whole time? And she's like, yeah. And I go, why don't you use the magnet? And she's like, put magnet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, you just go like this, and I put the magnet, and it goes tch, and it opens. I'm like, just like that. She's like, oh, I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you're smart for shopping here, but you gotta keep everything you buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's never not a good time to discover a new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this video has it all. No! It has confrontation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna step outside? Uh, these are papers. For sure those are not the papers. He's just like, here's some papers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not. It's not a service animal. Those aren't papers. But he's, he's smart that he has papers. Cause the lady's like, I don't even need to see it. Cause she can't even request, you can't say, show me your papers. It's a federal law. At least at the time. So, so then he's like, Mexican ass. So here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much. That guy, I thought the guy made a joke, like, I have my papers, I'm not illegal. That's what he said, right? And then, that's when we were like, I'm gonna call the police, we're gonna go to prison. That real fucking fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause if you think about the way that someone like this lives, and how many probably open warrants he has, and to always be like, let's get the cops involved. You know? It's like, ehhh. Why? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he break laws? I think they were probably like I wish we had something to throw this guy away for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you wanna take it all the way to home base here? This is the final step.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean really, confrontation, escalation, request the police are here. I have a service dog. These are his papers. I should beat his ass. You've got nice toes. So much in that clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's always like, you're on record, you know? I love that he tells people that. Like, like he's a federal agent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grinding through the tooth, you understand that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not expect that Fed Smoker would like, would bag a lady who's like, I got my nails done today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm, yeaah. Yeaah. Uhm, speaking of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. Well, just speaking of footwear, you have pointed out that you have unacceptable footwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Designer. And those are spikes. Spiky slides. Yea. Also on a man. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it because it's like, it's too fashionable? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's kind of look like them underneath there. Slide down, down, down, down, down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are them. Sort of them. Well, no, those are flatter. These have a bigger cushion. You know, the sole is bigger on these than the ones you saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so fucking gross. What is there? There's Prada?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those kinda look like them right there. To the right? Yeaah, those are Steve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those right there are very similar looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think those are always gross. No matter who, no matter where, no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I get it when you're going, like, I get it in college. There's like college people, you're like, oh, this is the easiest way to go to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't even fucking spit food at this, but like, forget hooking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it about them? Like, why do they turn colors that other sandals don't? Something porous in the material?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You buy them and they're beige.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just the over strap, but the back strap so you feel secure and safe. Yeah. Now that, that's a nice looking sandal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. All done. I feel like a guy who wears those is like, and then I, I put these on and then I tuck my dick between my legs and I go out and I win the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, right there. Click buy online. How much are they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kind of sad that I know that now. That I know how much they, that these are expensive is fucking mind blowing. And people are obsessive over their broken sex. Like people, you know what I mean? Like they're like, oh man, I've had these since fucking 2006. I love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that's one thing that, everybody does that when you go like, I despise this thing, they're like, you haven't done the right one. Yeaah. Get the right thing. It's not for me, shit birds. Yeaah, Europeans love them, but it's like Europeans that hike, not the ones you wanna fuck. Not the good smelling ones. It's the ones that are like, yeaah. You know what I mean, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person that like vacations like with their mom wears Birkenstocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Policy Genius. It's May and things are blooming. Why not see if your home and auto insurance savings can bloom too? We're almost


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Halfway through with the year. Head into June with one less thing to worry about. See if you're overpaying for home and auto insurance. Is your home and auto policy almost up for renewal? Let Policy Genius look for a lower rate for you. Policy Genius makes it easy to compare home and auto insurance in one place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to $1055 per year over what they're paying for home and auto insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do all the work for you. They show you the rates from the competition and if you want to switch, they take care of the switch over. To me, that's always the best part of what they offer. You don't have to be stressed out by, oh my god, I'm going to have to do all this stuff now. No. You go, that's a better rate. I want to do it. They switch you over. Head to PolicyGenius.com to get started right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy genius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you get, I mean, you get shit thrown at your face by an animal. You ever been to the zoo and, and like, and you think about how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's going in, but I'm saying those guys coming out. That too. That seems like that's very possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they smuggle in wild cats and then they're like, Hey, I have a leopard at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the thing is, they do like, they will bond, you know, you'll, you can bond with these animals when they're, when you get them as cubs. And then you go like, no, it's not like a wild animal because I've had it since I was a cub. And you're like, yeah, you don't override its DNA. No. Like at a certain point, it's just like, I want to hunt and eat shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inside her skull is just a box of sand. There's nothing going on in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that actually the most, where I think you feel it, cause you see the elephant and the wild cats, they're sort of at a distance. One that you go, holy shit, that is the chimps, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chimps can tear your arm out of its socket and off of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are descendants. I don't think it would be good for human beings to have that strength. They can pull a fucking car door off its hinges. That's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were about to tell me that, that, uh, Alpaca are strong as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be so upsetting to have your nuts bit off by an alpaca.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to trim an alpaca's teeth. And their claws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I mean, he seems like he's having a, you know, he's doing a lot of rehearsals right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely the type too, you know, he's just like, he's always like, uh, what's going on? I'll be like, so much fun stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, yeah, man, I just had this meeting, it's fucking tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Little babies make that happen. Yeah, you're like, I have no where to live. What are you talking about? Cares. Gotta make sure these guys eat, sleep, shit indoors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny. Uhm, I so want to do what this lady did in this video here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's built like a silverback, so yea. I guess I could see why. He's having a rough time. He's trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she was just like, why so many last minute items to purchase? I don't think that's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real hardware, and you had like in-depth question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go in there and their guys, they were like, you know, like a sommelier with wine. You're like, all right, man, I don't know if the fuck you're talking about the region and the year and the notes of cinnamon. What the fuck? That's them. Like for electronics fries that you would be like, Hey, I'm looking for a cable. And they would just start like what kind of, like they would just know, like you can hook this up to this and you could have, and they'd have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Products that you didn't find at Best Buy, you know, like you'd be like, I'm looking for this Sony camera. And they're like, that's some bullshit. I'll show you some real cameras. And then you get an


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are all those sales final of fries? What if I, what if I want seasoned fries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take it up a notch, I mean that lady was kind of crazy, how about more crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plane fights are fucking scary, cause you know, you have such a limited ability to move, like to get away from it. Oh my god. There's a fight like right in your row or something, you're just in it. You're just in it. You're just in it, you have nothing you can do man. You're just in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's not much you can do. I mean I can't believe the people that are just sitting there like I'll just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would at least try to stand up and kind of back away from it. I mean, I guess it's ladies, so you're kind of like, it's kind of kids, one step up from kids, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure there is. There's probably a YouTube channel, there's probably a brand right now who's like, oh thanks for the shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I've had, so we just found out that the context is they were fighting over overhead space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a couple times, Tunisia to Turkey, oh yeaah, that looks right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I was uhm, I've had a lady one time. Yeah. Couple times. So I've had, first of all I've had a lady go, could you put this up there? Like, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so one time a lady goes, uhm, hey, can you, she goes, bag, like this. And I was like looking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like, okay. She was short. I was like... Bitch, I ain't your husband. I know, that's a weird way to ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a real thing with uh, overhead space though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, she didn't think. She just went, went in the, uh, then there was uhm, then there was one time where I saw somebody. What a bitch. Uh, disabled. Who came, like, came to the seat and I go, let me put that up there for you. And she goes, thanks. And a lady behind me, like a cute chick goes, hello! Like, I'm trying to walk down the aisle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, hey, I'm helping her put her bag up top. And she was like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like immediate boarding too. I was like, what the fuck? So that's how confrontations start. She made a big thing. I volunteered to do this and she was like, I'm trying to walk through here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I had, then I had the time where I was in a pretty heated mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw somebody, I told you this, I saw somebody put their bag in the first class overhead and then they walked back so I took their bag out and I threw it in the aisle. Uhm, and a flight attendant saw me and was like, and she picked it up and put it in the, so I did that one. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I've seen people get kicked off in multiple flights. Yeah, I've seen it. Drunks. The most, uh, like, electric one, where like my dick was hard, was, uhm, on a regional flight, like a small plane, and we were in Colorado, and we were heading back to LA, and, uh, we pull away from the gate,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all of a sudden we're going back, and I hear commotion, it's a small plane. And I hear this lady, oh yea, that's really fucking great. Look what you're doing. And I was like, what is happening? And what happened was... Tom's all excited, he's all excited. Oh yea, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lady, I thought I told the story, a lady was, uh, gonna breastfeed in the back of the plane and she, and it's like, it's a small, it's a small regional jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The flight attendant asked her to do or say, like, do something and the lady dismissed her and was like, just do this and like, do your job. And the lady was like, oh, I can't have this passenger on the plane because we're not even in the air. And she's like, hell, like, you know, ignoring what I asked her to do. So came back and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we pull up to the gate, there's police on the jet bridge, and then the lady had like a young kid, another kid, and her husband was like, you can tell like he's always like, this bitch never shut the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck up, you know? Like, she's one of the real mouthy broads, you know? So, he was completely silent and the pilot came back and was like, nope, gotta go. And then she was like, I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna sue you. The lady went, you know, totally crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there was that, uhm, but I've also had one, uhm, where, this is the one that, this is one that I feel could lead to fights, was, uh, when somebody, another passenger, decides they're gonna rearrange bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll start looking at the bags. So like one time a guy starts, I go, what are you doing? And he's like, what? I go, that's my bag. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're not in charge of the fucking plane. You're not the boss of me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then the flight attendant, let me help you. I'm like, yeah, but why are you moving my stuff? I didn't ask you to move my stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always a series of things. So I don't remember every little thing. What I remember is that I was super irritated when I got on the, like, immediately. And this guy, cause there's always, you know that, uhm, that game, that fucking game that people play at the gate when you're doing, when you're boarding? Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll be like, alright, uh, so zone, and then someone will jump in front and you're like, alright, we're all, you know what I mean? Like, they have to scoot, they have to be in front of you. So it's one of these guys who,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was playing the game where he doesn't know his zone, you know, so he's like, he gets in front of me and I'm like, okay, like they're still pre-boarding. Are you pre-boarding? No, you're not? Oh, okay. So then you're just waiting, but he like shoehorned his way in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you get, you get to swipe your ticket and the gate agent is like, oh you're basically acknowledging this guy's boarding too early. And then goes like, so sometimes the gate agent will be like, go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, those are the ones that, like, you, it feels good when you see it. And then sometimes they'll go, ugh, just, yeaah, just bored now. And they'll let, they'll basically let the person, yeaah, cheat, like, you know, like jump in, jump ahead. She let the guy in, and I was like, this fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'm behind him, we walk on and he has like, I remember he had jeans and a belt that was tight and a white tucked in collared shirt. Right? And he was like, and he was like smug, like he had a fucking smug walk to him. And so he, he walked up and it's a, it says, you know, first class reserve. He puts his bag and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he walks in and I go, oh, he's sitting in the back of the plane. So I took his bag and I threw it into the aisle. And I did it like super aggressively. And it probably, I mean it was all emotion, you know? And then I put my bag exactly where his was and his was laying there and the flight attendant went,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, he's sitting back there. And she was like, I know. Then she put his bag in the coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another time, another time, a guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had every right to give me a talking to and just saw me and saw what was going on in my face and was like, I'll let this one slide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, I've seen that before by the way. That move, that's supposed to be, it's a slick,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A frequent flyer move, which is if you're in the back, put your bag in the front so that you can have it easily accessible when you leave. Meanwhile, you're taking up overhead space from people that are seated in that row, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other fun one that I've seen, I've never, I've got to participate but I've witnessed this before, is like a really full flight, and the flight attendant will be like, looking around, and this is in the first class cabin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that, this is what I saw. They, the flight attendant was like, cause people were boarding and they're like, there's no room. And she starts like, going and she's like, is this yours? And then she pulled out a bag and she was like, is this yours? And everybody was like, no. And then she goes, who's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that onto the whole plane and somebody like midway in the back was like, that's my bag. They're like, you can't put that up here. She shamed him in front of the entire tire flight and that, that got me like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, when you're like, he's coming with me and they're like, nah, you're gonna pick it up at the baggage point, and you're like, oh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by ExpressVPN. Why does everyone need a VPN? Because privacy is important and it is your right, but they're not just going to give it to you. You have to make an effort to actually obtain that privacy. Otherwise, people track you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know your every move, your every search, your every decision, what you're watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Father and son stuff, you know what I mean? So if you want your rights to remain private,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta sign up for a VPN. ExpressVPN creates a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet so your online activity can't be seen by anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's as easy as closing the bathroom door. Rated number one by CNET Wired. The Verge works on phones, laptops, even routers, so everyone who shares your wifi can be protected. I use it on my phone, I use it on my laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And listen, I just like knowing that I'm not being tracked. I like knowing that no one knows exactly what I'm doing and the horrible things that I'm looking at. That makes me feel good. I mean, you know, but you're looking over my shoulder. But you know what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secure your online activity by visiting expressvpn.com slash your mom today. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash your mom. You can get an extra three months free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love it. I've been using it. I received it a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, here's the thing, it lets you get out, if it's a somewhat complicated,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, message, thought, idea. You're like, I'm gonna text out that, well, what I, well, you should probably go over to Jake's house first, and then when you're done, if you don't see the bags there, come over here. It's like, you wanna text that whole thing, or just go, hey, let me just tell you real quick what we're gonna do today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It lets you send the message in an easy to process, understand way. There's no nuance to like looking, like figuring out the text.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna talk at you, for sure. Talk at you, and then, here's the thing, you understand completely what I wanted to, like, there's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like I say the thing and you have another question and I'll go, here's all the information available. Like, do you wanna, do you wanna read this message or do you just wanna listen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause then you're like, wait, how does he mean it? And now you hear it and you're like, oh, he's really looking for pos-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think it would be like, if I, if it was about work, right? If I was like, alright, I'm gonna send Nadav a text. But then I go, alright, Nadav, here's the thing, in the morning, why don't we do that call, we can record the thing, and then afterwards, if you could set up the second set and we'll do the other show, and after that I'm gonna run over to the other office, like, it's like, you know, other than like text, text, text, it just feels like it's a lot, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Christina, I want you to get in all them bubbles and make sure you sit in them and then get some pecans and corn chips and ice cream and we'll make a banana split and I'll see you when I get home. Boom. There's a voicemail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she said it's very common, and uhm, that you know, well you know, you saw the clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People get aroused, but maybe you can work on not, uh, going towards like what that arousal leads to. In other words, resist it a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadav, would you rather have a voice note sent to you or like a cool video like the ones that I sometimes send you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This made the rounds online, uh, like a month ago, and we didn't play it, but it's so fucking foul. I just, I don't know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How upset would you get to if you're like, took a sip, you're like, it's pretty good, and then you walk by and you're like, did you get this out of the toilet? And they're like, yea, we made toilet sorbet. Right? Wouldn't you be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would walk past that toilet and then afterwards when I saw her with a cup I'd be like, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, I didn't think you would serve us what was in the toilet. I pissed in it and I jacked off in it. So everyone's drinking that now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a disgusting thing. It's disgusting. And I'll go out, I'll just say it now. White people. It's white people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Do you know how demoralizing that has to be? They're like, you get knocked out and you're like, yeah, but that, that dude in that wheelchair, a one legged dude, he fucked me up today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still think you don't think your day's gonna go that way. I still think if you're like, I got drunk today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, he seems like, so good at this. Maybe he just lost his leg. You know? He's been fucking people up with two legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want any piece of that. No way. No fucking way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, this video I had pulled for the staff, for the boys. Just to let them know what's out there. I'm scared. I'm always worried about their health and their well-being and they know there's a bunch of floozies out there and they don't consider


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, if she announced, she wouldn't announce it. She's making her announcement afterwards. What would happen is I'd be at a party with her and she'd be like, I don't wanna fuck. I'd be like, yeah. And then I would be like, let me, I have a condom. And she'd be like, what are you gay or something? And I'd be like, what? And then she'd go, you don't need a condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because she said I don't need a condom, I wouldn't wear a condom. Right. And then she'd be like, ah, yeah, I got these diseases. I was like, what? That's how it was gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, she's got slides on. If they, if they click the pin down, she definitely has them on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, she's a good, she's a good kind of crazy. Yeah, she's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. She's doing pussy queefs in there. Wanna hear this pussy pop next to my teddy bear? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, uh, I wouldn't say like it's one of my favorite things I've heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like her personality, that she's like fun, she's like, you like that shit? I think she's fun, she should be a fun hang. You know, you could definitely pull out a joint and be like, uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to hear me quave? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hear you quave. I don't think it would be that hard to sleep with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, sometimes my body will just do that for me though. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got fucked up, dude. How fast was he going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the speed wobbles. I feel that in the car when I turn off trash control, you're like, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those were awesome. Another one? Ready for this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, yeaah. It's the double whammy too. He hit the front and the back of his head on the concrete. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in Hong Kong, I forgot the, the neighborhood, but they had a, like, streets like, like this, steep, steep, and they fed into, like a main highway, and Chad Daniels


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were out drinking, gets the lid of a trash can, and sits on one and slides down like this, and at the last second, veers left and cars are just flying by. Like we were like, we're gonna lose Chad right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got, that's the thing is like include, I understand because inclusion is a good thing. Really is. Representation is a good thing. Inclusion is a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, there's also a level that's delusional. Like you're delusional if you're trying to say that like everybody's attractive. Or everyone's desirable. I mean, maybe to someone, but like most of us have kind of a, there's a general consensus of what's attractive and appealing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it is subjective, so I understand, like, it can vary, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that we do now is we go, well if there's a, if there's five people that feel this way, let's advertise to them. And you're like, but what about like the 98%? Like shouldn't we advertise to them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we need 500 pound models and somebody with their fucking face torn off. They should be a model too. Are you missing an eye? You're a model too. What the fuck are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you doing this ad so that their family feels good? Like, for the rest of society.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, put them on fucking Discovery, but not in an ad, you know? Yeah, there should be a TLC show. I agree. Look how gross this person is. But like, why are they advertising Dove Soap? I wanna see a perfect body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's barbecue season, so get ready for that summer cookout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what will happen, so just prepare for it. Right now, it can be difficult to find 100% grass fed finished beef, free range organic chicken, humanely raised pork, or wild caught salmon at the grocery store, and it can also be incredibly expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thankfully, today's sponsor ButcherBox believes everyone deserves


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All for free in your first box. Who doesn't love free meat? And absolutely delicious meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, ButcherBox is offering new members a free