[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you make a purchase and otherwise you are a bad person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do the bare minimum, but I'd like you to know that there is no emotion involved. I am not doing it out of kindness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or love, or anything like that. I'm doing it just because you have to participate. I'm getting a participation award on that day, and every year I resent it more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, it's come, it's become that, it's morphed into that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and if like, if you don't get flowers, you're a loser. If you don't get chocolates or whatever, you're a loser. It's uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well why don't we, uhm, why don't we open the show and then we can share the secrets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't wanna see me wearing fuckin' Loro Piana. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing about, uh, about him... He lives poor. And the, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a couple of comedians like this, who I won't name, uh, who are quite popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that they, uh, they have been able to, uh, trick their fans into believing that they're like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm, I'm just a, I'm a regular dude and I like basic stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I don't fall into the trappings of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a couple of very well known comics do this thing where they're like, you know, I'm a normal dude. And then they're dumb, fucking, there are people dumb enough to be like, eh, just a regular dude. And they don't know that like, those guys, they all fly private. They just put on this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very calculated, manufactured thing where they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And meanwhile, there's guys like me who are, I'm John Deere all day, every day. Like this is actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a game, it's a cycle, it's a trick. And people either fall for the trick or they know they're being tricked, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing. They don't, you can say they demand it. What they do is they like to be tricked. They like to buy into the ruse. They like, they like to go, see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and speaking of tits, and it's Valentine's Day, and if you want to be a good partner,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go for it, you know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so the reason that he is being so sexy towards the mop and the bucket is quite a simple one. He doesn't realize that the camera is facing the other way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice though, this has happened to everyone, most people catch it sooner. He just keeps the video going, which is kind of the best part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here is why. Here is really why. He values fucking so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how often he gets laid. I know he wants to get laid 24-7. He literally for, I think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is actually, this is how crazy this was. At the time he really needed the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a real fartist. He's a real fartist. Uh, he's doing great now by the way. I know. Like, podcast is doing great, doing road dates, just like, he's fucking doing fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this might be a, before we get into some of the details of how to make Valentine's Day, uhm, more tolerable, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks to you guys, uhm, and suggesting that my I'm Coming Everywhere world tour be about actually coming places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Tom, uhm, I knew you were in Louisiana. You probably came in a disrespectful way out of spite. Give me those cum deets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I discovered a few things about myself, uhm, one, something I've known for a while is that I get, uhm, sexually aroused on flights. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked, we've discovered, we've discussed it on two bears a number of times and found that this is actually not a rare thing that a lot of people or a number of people experience this. That it's something about losing your inhibitions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, so uhm, I did it a few times. Are you saying you've done this too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh. Well, it is your plane. I literally had driven my John Deere tractor to the plane. And, uh, I, yeah, I did it. I mean, I, I don't know, man, I was compelled. I did it and I felt great. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Yeah. Some people think that's part of the thrill. I didn't, I didn't find that thrilling. So that, that part wasn't it to me. I just got, get this heightened sense of arousal on a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I dunno, you know, just kinda... You've never wanted to watch, uhm, any guy? JSD?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what he's not doing now? Something good with his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, and then that's, I don't know, that stands out, right? When it's like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a, there's a kid I knew in high school. He wasn't in my grade. I think he was one or two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like specific way, and he had bat, he had weird, like a shitty hair style. He was always like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not like cutting holes in things like you said, but you're like, this guy's just off. And, you know, we would kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have our fun of like, it was mostly about asking him questions, right? Like setting him up with some questions and hearing his just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bananas kinda answer. And everybody, it's one of those things where you kinda just turn your head and you're like, this guy's just fuckin' off his shit. But like I said, he's a couple years younger, so I don't see him all the time. I kinda know who he is in high school. Move on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, every few years, you talk to your friends, you're like, how about, and they're like, oh yeaah yeaah, and just, we'd have our friend like, do you have your fucking brush with you to brush your hair right now? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think he should have been checked harder. I actually, I don't think we actually checked him enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost like a toy of some kind where you're just like, is this really how this works? Uhm, and I think he would have been served.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wouldn't have done any of that weird shit if he would have had his ribs cracked, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And back in the day, everybody would full metal jacket that kid, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you need to do. Whenever you see a kid that's kinda weird, just fuck him up. Push him around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were like, this isn't happening. And he was like, what are you talking about? And we were like, this isn't happening. Like, she's gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're kinda fuckin' me up right now. We were like, no shit, cause you're not gonna do this. And so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girl leaves. He's all like, you know, he can't believe that this just happened. He was gone the next week. He left school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was basically a bunch of men who were all bigger than him going like, you're not gonna do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is something that actually has been proven in psychology about psychopaths. And I've read a number of books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've read a pro, I'm not an expert, but I think for a novice, I've, you know, I've read about six or seven books. I've watched a number of shows and there's something that they'll tell you over and over again about psychopaths. They do not respond to reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is that like creeps need to be checked. Bullies need to get bullied back. And gays, you have to pray for them. They can't stop. If you don't pray for a gay, they'll never see the light. They'll never see the light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Valentine's Day, hugely gay retarded holiday that is popular here in the United States. But one way to make it tolerable for you as a man, I'll tell you this, like I've, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had girlfriends during high school, college, out of college, I've been married. No, no, I'm saying every Valentine's Day is a Valentine's Day that you have to acknowledge if you're with someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you're alone, people try to make you feel bad and you shouldn't feel bad because it's a fucking bullshit thing. You know what I mean? If you're single, it's like, who gives a shit? Do something fun that day and realize everybody else is being a sucker for this commercial holiday. But if you're in a relationship, here's what you need to do. If you're a guy, use the opportunity to eat where you want to eat actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what you do is you present it as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this place I really want to take you, the girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what you really do is you go somewhere that you wanna eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just have to be not foolish enough to talk about that place over and over leading up to the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when the day comes up, you go, I got a real special treat for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna take you to Jimmy's Meat House or whatever the fuck. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing that you're right about, and it's good that you've come to the realization. If you were 400 pounds, I'd never look at you again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be waiting for search and rescue to come and get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a little appetite going. I can't wait to go here. Let's eat and then we'll have our romantic, loving moment after we get back. Not gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And fool, you're too fool. You ever fuck and have your partner puke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, but I remember in college, uhm, ate too much, she ate too much, and we're doing it, she throws up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's in the dog, so, you know, she's facing away. She's puking off the bed. I go, I'm not tapping out until I'm done, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kid, he goes, do you remember? He goes, do you remember when I barfed? And I'm like, which time? He's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, but I mean, I wonder what new holidays will be manufactured in the next 30 years. You know, if there'll be a new one. We could make one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so then it's not an actual date, cause the dates will change every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like the first Wednesday of every, you know, June, like that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And give someone a pair, and you don't wear a brand new pair of jeans that day, you are not even a part of society.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In two episodes, two like big moments. One, I'm sitting here having like this insane- That's what you're mad about. Convert- no, listen to the fuck- no, no, here's the fucking psychology degree over here. That's what you're asking, I don't know. I'm an expert. No, I'm talking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking Charo about this huge, and you're like, I gotta go pee, and you take off. Then, we have Tony Hawk, and Jay said, Tony Hawk, you've been a super fan of, as long as I can remember. And we're like, man, this is like this great podcast, there's a few minutes left, and you're like, I'm gonna go pee right now. It's like, you can't wait a minute to say goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually it wasn't. You know why? Because you held it, you held it longer, you were able to do photos afterwards, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's not why I'm mad at you. I think you can actually hold it a lot longer than you admit to, and you're just being selfish about when you peek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when you propose things like, here's why I think you feel this way. Okay, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you actually do seem much, much better. I wish, uh, personally, I wish if you ever had to pee, you would just do it, you know? I don't want you to feel like you. Really? Yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's the thing. There is your absolutely garbage tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna actually entertain what he suggested? I kinda think it is a good suggestion. I mean, Jason Ellis, if anything, is an expert on tattoos. And he's just said, you know, he's right, modern day cover ups are incredible. He's like, just put an awesome tattoo over the shitty tattoo. Or you go, it's just funnier to have my shitty tattoo and I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, if you want it to be gone, you're gonna feel something, but you're not gonna be, it's not like you're delivering a baby, it's not gonna hurt like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Did you look at it then and go, this is pretty rad? Did you think it was cool for a minute?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We put out the call and we got some sm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried being one of those church people, but I'm already covered in tattoos, so this was my Christian tattoo. So after I kinda quit doing the church thing, I remember a guy asking me, do guys blow baby batter on that tattoo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, Hi Janes, my name's Connor. Guess from where?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, you know, and I don't know, this is another thing about men and women that is different. Is that like a guy having this is like always funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried not to, but uhm, that's his entire lower back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, so I got this well a little drunk on St. Patrick's Day in 2012. I say a little, but I was pretty coherent the entire time. It was only about 11am after all. I can tell you it hurt like hell, but I didn't pay for a drink for the rest of the night, so I call that a win. If you can't read it, it says kiss me, I'm Irish, uh, oh sorry, I'm or in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that looks like a J. It's very funny. And no, I, wait, hold on. It says, if you can't read, it says, kiss me, I'm Irish. And no, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you, uh, love you guys. Can't wait to see Tim in Auckland. Much love, Simon. P.S. Bird is fat and sorry about the ass crack. So he's Kiwi. And uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get a black and proud tattooed on right above your ass crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's stupid. Yeah. Yeah. So if you keep thinking you're stupid, you'll just keep fantasizing about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the truth is I'm not into like, I don't know, I mean, I'm not, I just, I've seen dudes with tattoos where it looks like cool artwork, and I just, I mean I would only-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would definitely, to me it would definitely be the broken arm area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not into a jokey one. I don't think, like, to me it's like, it's not, I know a lot of people that have them and, you know, but to me I wouldn't do a jokey one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drunkenly got my lightsaber tramp stamp when I was 18, drunk and high because I went as, uh, what is it? Padme. Oh, Padme. A medalla for Halloween. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think part of the thing is that hers, you know, you kind of get what they are, like at first I'd be like, what is that? Is that an X? Are those baseball bats? And then you kind of go like, oh, those are lightsabers, right? So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, yeah, she's getting somebody who likes it for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of, the message could kind of be though, I want two dicks here right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I think if you're like the one guy you get there, you'd be like, hey, I'm, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I missing something here? Was it supposed to be another guy? And she's like, actually there is, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got this bad boy as my first tattoo when I was 16. The internet told me the symbols mean angel. I asked a foreign exchange student at my high school and she confirmed or pranked me. The artist kept making comments about my 16 year old cheeks and later got fired. Unrelated probably but I think it's for the best. I didn't really think about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't really think through placing wings, not on my shoulder blades, but right above my crack. Now my ass is fly and so are you. Enjoy. Hashtag Team Chad or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess the thing that I do, like, you know, I've, I've obviously never, I've never gotten a tattoo, but I do love that they do, they are markers of something in your life. You know, it's a, like, this is a story forever and ever. It's like, well, this is what happened when I was 16, you know, and there's a story that marked on you forever. That part I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I could have fallen into this, I didn't. But I could have fallen into the absolute most embarrassing tattoo for a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was in, don't forget I was in Florida in high school with, you know, with juice heads and like garbage. Yeah. And white trash and, and football players. And it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys who were built like that had them, so you're like, maybe that's cool, like maybe that's what I should be aspiring to get. And then I have a cousin with one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has one and like, and now he's like in his fifties and you're like cool tat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it is, it is the mark of like, you're, you almost can't not be a douchebag. You have to go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the thing is about it? I think if we're really being honest about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, if you're like the, amongst the first few guys to do that, like if it didn't become a trend,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It probably remains a pretty badass thing, right? Like if you're the first guy that goes, I want barbed wire around my, my bicep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, oh, that's probably what, like that is a cool thing. It's like the guy who put the lock chain around his neck, right? But once it picks up, it's like when a song is cool and then it's not cool because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once your, your mom knows how to do the dance to it, you're like, this is not a cool song. Right? So it's, it's probably that was that it just became too widespread, too many people and then, you know, douchebags start to do it. So then it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes away whatever cool points it had, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I was usually doing yard work. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean a removal if you want it removed. That's true. Maybe they don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, here's my sense, and Chad you tell me if I'm wrong. My sense is that your sister Ali would never have it removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of her now. It's part of her story. That's what I'm saying. Yeaah. There's people, like, she's in it. She's like, she's the real deal. Cause she's got good ones too. It's not like she's got the- The one person who wants it removed is the person who has one bad one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have told my friends I was like, I was with a fucking lunatic last night. And like, you know, I like her and stuff, but I would, I would think that it suggests so much that I don't know that I, I think I just would have been like, there's a pretty,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like to get that, like to have huge Kali tattoo across your back, I'd be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I try it, maybe like for like a month, I'm like, I'm with this fucking real streetwalker. You know, it's like, it's kind of crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bougiest thing a person can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personally, as a tractor guy, I've never tried it, but tell me about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In plastic, no? No, no. You're not gonna feel plastic on your face. The cooling gel is within a fabric that is comfortable to feel on your face. It's a cloth-like fabric, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had them, I've had them. The one that you got me recently is the weighted one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cooling one is just strapped, so it's just like a regular sleep mask. You just put it on and you'll, you won't feel warm on your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the point I'd like to make. Sleep is so important. It is so, you can never give enough credit or importance to what sleep does to you, your quality of life, the length of your life, the health of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything you do to sleep better, whether it's a mattress, a mattress cover, the sheets, the pillows, covering your eyes, noise you hear, clocks, whatever you do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make your sleep the best is worth it. There is nothing that's silly about making a purchase that helps anybody sleep better. That's how important sleep is. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Order it, but uhm. That's kinda cool. You know, yea, you, you should always do anything that helps your sleep life. Everybody should. Sleep life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weather is underrated when people are like, oh, you know, it's just whatever. It's cool. It's like, no, no, that's underrated. It's weather dictates the way you approach the day. Your whole like, yeah, if you live somewhere with great weather that you should talk about it every fucking day. It's amazing that you get that. I know. And when you do things that help you sleep well, it's like that's your.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you're now a one percenter. You're in one percent of the people that actually have done the things to maximize something that's gonna change the complete quality of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Thank you. Go for it. Go for it. Get as many sleep masks as you want. Thank you. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time, I think not too long ago, as we were, you were falling asleep, I was still awake. I actually woke you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were like, what? I go, I just had this realization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, I forgot about this. I blocked this out. I go, I just realized how much my dad really liked big tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, thank you for telling me that. And I go, no, but I put together why I made the realization and why it's different than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to me, I don't, I don't care. In other words,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can appreciate, if you go, this lady has big tits. I'm like, that's cool. This lady has...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mid-sized tits. Cool. This lady has really small tits. I don't care. I've been with women with like all different sizes. Hungry tits, sloppy tits. It doesn't actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he, he would, I realized how much he would talk about it. Oh, he loved talking about your mother's tits. And just big tits. And if he saw big tits, he would always like hit me and he'd be like, look up, look at those big tits. And I'd be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, and he talked about cleavage, I like cleavage, you know. And so what I realized is that if you're specific,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About something like that. That's when it's important to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't have the specific need to, in order to feel excited. That's my point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is that I'm actually... This is really bad for us, babe. No it's not. What I'm saying is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the guy who goes, I'm happy with any type of tit. So I'm actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, more of like a man of the people when it comes to tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, here's the thing, if I, what I realized was like, when I was, when I had been with mid-size and small, I never was like, ah, this is a... I wish I could have different. I wish they were different. I was always just like, thrilled to be there, happy with what it was, it never swayed me one way or the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think that there's a little difference in that the penis size has a direct connection to not just arousal, but to the actual function of intercourse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breasts are, you don't need them to actually function. They're just aesthetics, right? But like, what I'm really getting at is man, my dad loves some big tits, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's really so important. Every kid should know what turns his dad on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I'm glad that release was given to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heard about bushes, and just out of nowhere, you know, I went out with this gal, Sally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She could, he loved the, uh, it's overdone when he goes, she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vigorous ones too, which is really neat. That was cool to learn. Um, yeaah. It was really neat. It was neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But he never let too much time go by without reminding me about the tits. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Society, culturally, things shifted, where now, I mean, now you open your phone and you can just, on Instagram, see a girl who, you can see the outline of her cooch, right? So things have obviously gone, you know, pretty dramatically another way. But in his day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? A kid who was born in the 40's. This means that you're growing, like you're a teen in like the late 50's or 60's. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you saw just cleavage, in other words, just the outline, the shape of breath, the T's of that there's breasts here, that to him was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most exciting thing. So he still talks, so he would just bring up how much he loved cleavage. And I would always say, as your son, thank you for telling me. Thank you for letting me know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first of all, I know what he would say. If I would have told him what turns me on, he would go, yeah, I'm not really into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that would have been the conversation, and I don't want to have that. I never wanted to have that conversation. You know what makes me come, dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was 43 when I came to the realization that I'm not a tit guy. Pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not dedicated, like in other words, it's not the thing, right? It's not the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is, he was, he was that guy. I wish I would have said it at his memorial service. I always wish, I always thought that would have been like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know that's the comic in me, but I just thought it would have been something if everybody was like, that's his son. And I'd be like, you know, my father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? I'm like, what? He told me all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think it shifted from humor to total sadness for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what also makes, like, you can argue that it's funny and also sad. It's that, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, like at first, I think it was that, uh, when it kept going, and I was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, there was a PowerPoint presentation, and I think you can just, uhm, I think you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The older you get, you, you just, I think you start to see things a little differently, right? And you go, man, she's got like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something that she's, uhm, not addressing inside of her to do this. And like, well at first I was like, this is funny. The more it went on, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, pretty proud of that. And I'm like, okay. I think this is the kind of thing that, you know, you look back, like she'd look back on and be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a, that was a, there's no doubt in my mind that at some point you'd be like, that wasn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fantastic time in my life. You know? I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like any drug, yeaah, yeaah. It's like someone being like, so this week I, uh, I drank 19 bottles of gin, and uhm, that was pretty cool. Uh, I went through 23 bottles of tequila, and you're like, you know, at first you're like, this guy's a real animal. And then they keep breaking it down, and then they're like, I, uh, I puked 16 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I passed out on the street four times. A couple people pissed on me while I was on the street. Like it was like that kind of where you were like, the more it's going on, you're like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, I don't, I think like everybody is entitled to it. I don't really buy the, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole, well the thing is, is that uhm, I just, I was, you know, I grew up in a place where like, I don't view sex the same way. It's like, I think we're all pretty much biologically designed a certain way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, while some people lean a little more this and that, when it gets to a level like to that, you're, there's a disconnection come like between you and what you're doing. And uhm, like I don't see it any differently than I would somebody who, like I said, would talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lived that life? Oh yea. And then you see them later?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I can't tell you any of them that were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so thrilled about that time. You know? What they really wanted was to connect. They wanted a connection with someone and like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that, like, I'm not saying that everybody, my feeling is that everyone should be one person. No. No, of course everybody goes through growth and experimenting and trying things, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 55 tracking that down for a year. I don't know. I was just like, I'm kind of bummed out watching it. I kind of bummed me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I get what you're saying. I mean, it's important to point out that it's not, um, it's not impossible to find


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great picks in your late 30s and into your 40s and into your 50s. Like, you can find all those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think the uhm, like the empty pursuit of the number chasing, the body count chasing that she was on, that's the part where I go, regardless of age, where you're like, I get it for like, like you said, for a minute, like you're, you know, you want to experiment, you want to try something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think thinking of it as like an endless cycle. I'm so empty. It feels empty. It feels empty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's not a, like that's the thing, somebody who does that, this is really I guess what I'm trying to say, somebody who does that, you know, after you've hit a certain age and you've lived a certain life, you know that they're not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm, I'm not, I'm not addressing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause a lot of times they end up these like older, older guys or ladies and they're like, I'm alone, I'm sad and I, I never addressed this issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very quickly, because I know we have to wrap this up. Uhm, I found something, and here's my, I guess this is my Valentine's gift to you. Okay? So just, if you would look at the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew he was like, what's her number? Do you know her? So her name is, uh, Lily, uh, she goes by StinkyLilyVee, I think? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we gotta wrap it up. I love it. We'll see you next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? I do want about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My husband and I have been non-monogamous for 12 years and in that time period we've had two phases of monogamy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first phase of monogamy was when we were pregnant with our first child. We were moving cities, we were super excited to be parents, and I think that we never even planned it. We sort of woke up one day and realized, whoa, we've been monogamous for over a year now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because chicks are into wicca. I must say as a 13 year old, I was really into witch, witchcraft and you know, tarot cards and runes and like, this is a very adolescent girl thing to be into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it took me down memory, fuck McDonald's, I forgot about how they took away their money. Two million dollars. That was a bad mistake and you just purchased that car, remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is an interesting mindfuck, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you please parody his photos? Cause I know that Sean takes your photographs, your photographs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so beautiful. Look at the back of you. And look who endorses you, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we just got those yesterday. It's so exciting to finally hold the finished product in my little, my bird paws. I mean, I've been watching you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tick, tick, tick, tick for a long time and then to see it. Very special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very pretty cover. Good, great artwork and so you. It's like perfect you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait to read it. I cannot. Uhm, as long as we're plugging, plug, butt plugs, may I plug some dates really quick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, check out my merch page, the Christina P. mom jeans special. I've got some really bangin' merch. My favorite right now are the non-gender specific onesies I'm selling. Person with a penis, person with a vagina. To be in full compliance with today's, you know, standards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also some great 80's looking stuff for my special. It's really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazing. That's the actual feds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know. Alright, let me plug my dates. This is the week of June 1st. I will be in Atlantic City, New Jersey for one night only, one night only. There's a handful of tickets left for the Borgata. Come see me there. And then June 5th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boston Massive, huge tits at the Wilbur, very small tickets by the time this airs may be gone, so get em now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I go in July to Washington Dick Cum at the DC Improv. Two nights in Manfriend Disco at Cobb's Comedy Club. One night in Meat Rattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Neptune, those are almost gone as well. Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities in August. Mini Apple Tits as well in August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and the, you know, we're gonna, we're gonna add some stuff. Nashville in October, christinapeonline.com, uh, for tickets. Thank you so much. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's my inner dialogue with people, but then I change it to something polite and civilized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, last night you were watching a murder show and I was drifting off to sleep and I caught, I caught snippets of the content and it was like, evil exists in the world, but evil is done by people. And it was about how psychos are just amongst us all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't they say things like that? Like they show that they're a little off kilter in moments?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just cause of how you dress. Isn't that funny? I was looking at pictures of women, handsome ladies, my age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A 40 year old woman or a 45 year old woman in like the 1960s, like Google that. Like 40 year old women in 1960 or 1950. They look so much older than we all do now. And it really is your manner of dressing and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at those old broads. Like, those women are younger than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 40. Those are all 40? Those are 40. Look, then and now, that this is what I saw exactly what I saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they told you to smoke while you were pregnant back then so that you would have lighter babies, lower birth weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Level observations. Yeah. He's hilarious. So funny. His brain is amazing. Such a funny dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it. Symptoms can include lack of motivation, feeling helpless or trapped, detachment, fatigue and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's burnout, dude, and we've all been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to take care of yourself. It's the only way you can take care of other people. We associate burnout with work, but that's not the only cause. Any of our roles in life can lead us to feel burned out and BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing stress in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Your mom's house listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash moms house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't done, we did do the intro, sorry, I'm on drugs. You know what, I'm still looking cloudy because I got turnt up this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Agent G just called me before the show and he's like, I got you tickets to Brooklyn. You're gonna do the bell house on September 7th. Next day. Shout out and then you're gonna do Brooklyn. So anyway, but here's what I did and it was so rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Anyhoodles, uhm, the cool part is that I got to kick it with The Lightning Crew, the original Goths, who I, as a 14 year old, was gothic with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now that we're all middle-aged adults with kids and lives and jobs and it was so fun and it really made me appreciate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. But you know, but that goes with anything. With anything. Business or you don't, you always want to help people you like. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? That's so important to be like, I was just thinking about that, like raising kids. Let me write this down first before I forget my thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're raising children, I was thinking to myself, is it necessarily getting good grades that's gonna make you successful in life, or is it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whatever, the things you're supposed to do, extracurriculars and getting into Harvard, like, no, I think the most important thing is to be personable and to be likable and to get along with people. And I think it's a fucking crime to be boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, like to me, the biggest crime is to be given the gift of life and be a boring motherfucker. Like is there anything worse than being at dinner with someone who's a fucking zilch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chance of you existing is like one in a billion, right? You exist. That's a miracle. And then you're just gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pissed that away by being a dullard, like you fucking cunt. And then another thing I was thinking of too is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it that like your childhood friends, and I say child, like your teen friends, like cause you're forming your sense of humors at the same time. Like you, you guys grow your brains together. Like do like these, these fools can say shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, even seeing Shani, who I've grown up with since we were like 14.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having fun, especially when you're a grown ass adult and you got two little kids and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does it sound so much classier with that accent? It just does. It does. For fuck's sake. Fuck off. You're like, oh, it's so good. So sexy. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why, why try to like analyze him? I agree. It's a, that's a bad move to be like, I see you're upset. Like he's not a toddler. He's a psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This clip has everything. It's got, I love his braids. They're so, um, full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's on the telegraph, so there was a, there was an article about him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what he is. He's a nuisance. That's a great word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conspiracy to make nuisance. I love how the Brits phrase things. Conspiracy to make nuisance. So polite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Oh, are you stoked about the new Top Gun movie? Maverick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see this, I'm pumped, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How pumped did you get when you were a kid? I saw this movie in the theater like five times that summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Iceman. Iceman. It's just tight. Goose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who else? Maverick. What's his name again? Iceman. What's Iceman's name? Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer. Oh my god, what a dreamboat. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah! Wait, Google that, let's see that. Remember the volleyball scene? Which was so gay and like hadn't, it was just because they were all super hot and the director was like, let's just see these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at them! Ugh, oh, eugh, look at the nail. That's terrifying. Nature is a cruel bitch, isn't she?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, remember the instructor? Even he was hot. The older guy with the beard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought they were all good. Now you wanna really, you wanna really grab your barf bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't like him, but I liked how mean he was and he was like, you can't fly like that maverick. He was, he's like that guy in the control tower. You know who I let uh, Google Kelly McGillis now though. Remember the hottie Kelly McGillis? Have you seen her now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal man, is that in my child brain, like I'm just saying as a kid, I watched this movie and like, I feel very disillusioned now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to see these anti-Russian, anti-communist movies. It's a good time for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's so, it's so confusing because uhm, in Hungary, the best violinists, the best musicians are cigans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're simultaneously hated culturally. It's like this weird thing in Hungary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're all alcoholics, and the women age so poorly, by the time they're 30 they look like they're 80. Like what is this shit culture?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just is. I'm sorry, I've seen enough episodes of my big fat American gypsy wedding to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like them. They don't let the women go to school. How is that okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay so Bridgerton 2 is like the most, uhm, diverse cast. It's one of those like forced inclusion casts where you're like, they've hit every, they've checked every box. Yeah. I mean there's like the heavy set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check, the Indian family, you don't know what we are, like everybody. It's like one of everybody, like I don't know, does that always?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, look at my Twitter if you want to see my thoughts on this chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, she is a nutritionist and I have to say, she looks better than me. So I feel like I can't, but here's the real question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and isn't the point to sell Sports Illustrated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. I mean look at Kim Kardashian, look how fucking hot that is. That's a banging cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look at the swimsuit they gave her too. Look, look, and also, she's pretty, the heavy girl. Go back to the heavy girl. But like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a rough suit that I will say in her defense to pull that off. Nobody looks good in the anchor, sweetie. That's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tweeted about this. If you guys want to look at my Twitter on Christina P. I started a furor. And it was like the dumbest, most innocuous. Oh, you're going to bring it up. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the stupidest thing I was just, I was just making fun of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, supermodel, more like suppermodel, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 89 qu- I mean, 5,000 people liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, people are on my side and I have a bit about, I hate fat models, I'm not down with downs models, like it's all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, Sports Illustrator always put healthy looking women on. So all these models that you named were quite healthy looking. They never put on the anorexics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were healthy. So that's the brand is healthy. So if you're putting someone who's overweight and don't even fucking tell me that being overweight is healthy. It is not healthy. There's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, beautiful. Look at her. Look at Tyra. Tyra Banks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think, can I tell you what I think the problem in thinking is in this victim culture?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pose is not good. No, I forgot what I was gonna fuck- Oh, oh, the point is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she doesn't look like you, doesn't mean that you're inferior to her. Like, you know what I'm saying? Why do you have to take it as a personal affront? I just look, you know what I look at as? That's not, that's not your lot in life. You don't get to look. That's right. Except that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the problem is that you're not allowed to have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what, and that's my problem too is that we have to think this perverted way of like, no, no, this is awesome. Isn't it awesome that she's unhealthily overweight and isn't it beautiful? Like, no, personally, I don't think it is beautiful. I think that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those skinny girls who work out and like Tyra Banks, I think she's beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personally, but if you say that, you're a hateful piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But everything is beautiful now. And when you take away that standard, if everyone is beautiful, then no one is beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any of the meaning. So what is beauty now? We're gonna take that away. What is a woman now? Did you know that? Did you know that that's a question?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. There's persons with periods and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But as I'm saying, fat and obese women are beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't know that? They're swimsuit models, Tom. You just have to reframe your whole wave. You have to live in the upside down where this shit makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. It's absurd. Nobody I know is like, this is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, well if their bodies look athletic and are still attractive, maybe that's, but I think for them to be unhealthy is not a swimsuit model. So this is a complete contradiction in terms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, I have to send Adav this TikTok, I want to play this on today's show. I'm sorry, apropos, this discussion, this was so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've known this person for a long time. I've been following them. They're getting these tattoos removed off their face. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way! He's a big truck, maybe he doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I take a pitch? Definitely real. Sure. Hold on, just keep rolling, I'll be quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was good. Now that there's another girl here at Heather, I'm always nervous she's gonna walk in cause I don't close the door. I just run in there and I peek in with the door open. Why don't you just close it? I forget, I'm lazy. Bert's been shitting in there and there's a sign that's like don't shit in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, listen, all this work it takes to categorize yourself, like, just put that into not being fat. Do you know what I mean? Like, just stop it. Don't s- Can I tell you why it upsets me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My stepmother, one time when she was aging and she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, that's what I feel like it's important to take care of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you're like, bro, you know, like, you don't wake up at after 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, you can't, you can't do this to yourself. You can't like doing, you know, like speed balls and, isn't that like heroin and speed at the same time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like up and down? Like how? That's like putting the foot on the gas and the brake at the same time. Like what does that do to your body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Woody, the Coke keeps you awake to enjoy the opiate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. Thank you. Can we see the next thing? That didn't make me happy at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I don't like those scooters. They're so dangerous. And I'm, this should be a PSA to all these kids who work here and go downtown Austin. Get drunk and ride these. Don't do that. Don't do it. It's bad. It's bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty cool. His face is in the side. Oh, that's bad. He lost his teeth for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, those scooters are bad news. I mean, I don't know how they're still in business. Those are huge liabilities, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, when I was 26 I used to ride a razor scooter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through my neighborhood, I would fucking jam on that thing bro, like fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had an Italian exchange student. Did I ever tell you about this guy? No. Uhm, he was in the dorms and one night he had an erotic dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, uh, and he wore like, he dressed like a total Italian, like he rolled up his, um, pant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legs like, like two tight pants. And he rolled them. We were all like, yo, you gotta like get your baggy jeans on bro. You're in America now, Jack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was really sweet, but once word got around that he was washing his dick in the sink...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda ruined his rep, like he could not get laid after that. We felt so bad for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that's what he looked like with the hat. He had the total hat. Oh, he had a hat too? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad always said that. He's like American dressed like pig, wearing jeans all the time. Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do. Every relative in Hungary would tell me that too, like, you look like shit with your jeans. I'm like, shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, yeaah, I was too pale. It was like, why don't you get a tan? I'm like, shut the fuck up, I'm goth. Yeaah, I'm goth. Yeaah, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny in Austin? It's, it's cool to like dress down here. So now I find myself getting fancier cause I want to be counter culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in LA it's the opposite, like the more of a dirtbag you look, the people are like, you're cool. It's so funny how cities are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I saw this man and I immediately thought of you because you're always telling me when guys doing this kind of stuff, like, I'm wakin', I'm whatever, it's just a ploy to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because chicks are into Wicca. I must say as a 13 year old, I was really into witch, witchcraft and you know, tarot cards and runes and like, this is a very adolescent girl thing to be into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, he's just mad because they're not. Hey, you're not even going to point out that he's got the all make you cum guys glasses. He does. And he's watching Rachel Maddow probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To throw shit off of a dyke? Yeaah. I like the word dyke too, that always made me giggle. Your mother liked that word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he didn't like, uhm, these parades. Why you have to be so proud? Okay, nobody gives a shit that you're gay. I don't have straight pride parade. It's the same argument people use for saying the n-word, you know? Like, why can't I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at first I hated him and I hated his dumb instrument and then I thought about it and I was like, well he's kind of right, what would be better than doing that when you're, when you're kind of hammered? Like I bet it's kind of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the only one I've seen of his, but, I mean, it's so funny how all hippies love the same shit. It's like the hippie-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just kidding. I'm not that curious about the Booth Boys dicks. I'm not that curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, I'm curious about all things perverse and stupid and silly. Like, I just, I'm interested in the dumb. All dumb things. Well, I wouldn't say that's the dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? I want you guys to realize that we have seven kids. And you being here to have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So on a human level, you guys know I'm not gonna say anything to you. You know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So please, please leave my family in peace and let this all play out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a very hard thing as a mom to try to explain. So please, go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm not gonna say anything and Alec is not going to say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't wanna charge five times what it costs to make this shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Oh I do? The V? You got that V? Yeaah dude, he's jacked. I mean he's jacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Email or AirDrop to this computer. Uh, which uh, which AirDrop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should be called like YMH playback. Set one playback? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I never use those words. You're putting words in my mouth now. Anyway. You're going falsetto because you're panicking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna guess she doesn't. But uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you burn your last piece of toast? Avocado gone bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ha- hasas is the best bottle empty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today is my birthday. I'm actually 56 today and I'm celebrating with some of my good friends. Kevin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, found out at lunch that uhm, anything's colorblindness is cap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally. Totally. I would argue that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm the, I believe they call it red-green or something. I think that's how like they, people usually have it in the red-green colors or in the bluer ones. And uhm, the red-green, like, I was actually telling them, I've told, you've been with me before, if there's a single flashing light, I go, is that red or yellow? Cause I don't know whether to slow down or come to a stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been in, yeah, when you're driving and that's probably the time where you go like, this is the least fun part of this. Most of the time you just don't care. But you don't appreciate, uhm, the way people go like, look at these beauti- look at the field right now. Look how that, this green field is popping. I'm like, yeah, it looks good. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they are, there is that company that makes the glasses that uhm, it works for like 90% of colorblind people and you put them on and for whatever, like it does whatever to your vision and then you see without colorblindness and it's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Person with colorblindness, I would say that I deserve


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I deserve, you know, no, like government, you know, funding. Yes. I understand, like, I can't believe people missing limbs get all this attention and somebody who can't even see whether there's a flashing light that's red or yellow, they're like, oh, you know, just deal with it. Okay. Sure. I'll just deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you pull up colorblind? Like what does it say about colorblindness? Oh god. And this is, is this, are these the same people that kinda did the moon landing shit? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the, what's the, so what does it say about it? Um, cause I don't, I've never like, oh, there's three types it says. What are the three types of colorblindness? The deuteronomy. Red, green. There you go. It makes green look more red. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and, oh, and, I'm not gonna, able to tell the difference between green and red at all. There you go. There's the three different types of colorblindness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would actually argue the difference is the hardest part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happens is you see, you see, no, you see like fire engine red as red and you see like green, green, like blaring green, you see it as green. What happens is you know how colors have like the full, the full pal, like the full spectrum of, of, of hues? That's where you get lost. Like you can see the extremes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when they start to be like, yea, when people go, oh this, you know, there's like a little, there's a dash of this and this, you're like, I don't, I don't see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's a really good question. It's a really good question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I told a doctor about it and he jerked me off on the table and then he goes, this is probably why you're colorblind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 300 million people in the world with color vision deficiency. 1 in 12 men are colorblind. 1 in 200 men. Oh, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like somebody missing a leg has a walking deficiency. We're the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys like me make it possible for you to enjoy nights like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready to do this? Always. Let's get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny that you said that because the thing that I had queued up for her after hearing that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off camera, she was like, and she said off of, so it means she was shitting on people or shit was falling out of her, you know, which happens when you're an anal princess. And then she was licking that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's uhm, she's out there doing it man. She's out there having a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't, uh, can't get mad at that and doing her OnlyFans, but yea, the, you gotta be in her personal life to get this strap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's where I was at the oceanfront. Here. Will Rogers Beach!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like there's a comment there that said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I would love to, I mean, find more of these videos. They're, they're very inspiring. Usually, like I said, usually it's a dude. Usually dudes dominate this space. But, every once in a while, the Lord grants us a gift. And uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Licking excrement, staph, and what is it? Uh, what kind of infection was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what else can cause, can we google that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bacteria. There you go. So no, there's bacteria in a lot of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure that it's not just from ingesting shit. You can get strep throat from a lot of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sure did. He almost made it a case to try it. You know? He really did. He was just like, oh absolutely that's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Come check it out. Yeah, you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, Drew. Uhm, what is CP Surprise? Do you have a surprise for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only anxiety provoking, I think one of the, cause it's so anxiety provoking and you realize like terrifying and everything, the fact that he's gotta set up the camera. You know, like make sure my camera- I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is set, and you're like, so if I die,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm claustrophobic, or are you? And I'd be like, nah, no. And then like, as I've gotten older, it's gotten worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now like those spaces, like really tight spaces really make me kind of panic, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the follow-up should be like, is this man 21 years old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's not a lot of guys walking around in their thirties. They'll be like, yeah, I need about six or seven. I just learned from a clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Scottie Pippen was married for 23 years and his now ex-wife said they had sex four times a day, seven days a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day. Including road trips. She's like, we were never apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She came on every road trip and he fucked me four times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was doing this into his thirties, you know, which I was like, how is this fucking, this is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, man, that's got, that's a crazy fucking drive. That's what, that's what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He and she are used to 28 times a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would definitely hurt your meow. Your meow, yea. And also like, what's going on with that ball back? I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but go to his, go to the web results for this, because that is uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be something about, yeaah. Let's see. Recall. No, no, no. Just yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A real wrench in the relationship I would think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always had sex four times a night. Yeah, I had sex four times a night every night. I never had a day off for 23 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's on the other side of the bed? It's one of the greatest of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. He is worth it. He could beat anyone on one. I believe that he will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, uh, that's where she made, that's where I think she made the confession. I think it was like on that, like on a show like that, you know, it was a clip like that. Is there more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the Syrian American influencer was still technically married to the 57 year old retired NBA legend when she met the 32 year old son of Michael Jordan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the family. Dang. It's him and the kids. Like you said, the four kids. God, that still can't get over that. Four times a day. Four a day for 23 years. That's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a cr- I mean, that is actually a very unnatural...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even like, I mean, even like when you're, you're totally naturally juiced up at, you know, 18, 20, I mean, usually those like four timers are like, like one day, right? And then you're like, your system kinda, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you kinda go back to it, but if you're like every day, that's wild, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it seems like Scotty is a perfect match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people out there banging that often. That's fucking crazy. Scotty Peppin. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fully juiced up. Usually too, like if you got too off in the first part of the day, you're probably not getting home like, I really need a nut right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six nuts in a day would definitely incapacitate me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, as a teen also, like you have like, I remember, I remember a few six and seven days, but you're also like 16, 17 and like you said, like in your twenties, but you're naturally, like your hormones are so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your hormones are raging. You actually, like you said, you want that T to kind of wear off a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a time where like, I remember you could just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I've had, those are, those are solo and uhm, and with other people. Back to back nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, you know, every dude is like, yeah, that's what I want. You don't want that. You don't want six or seven. You really don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can start doing that soon. I did it. I did it for the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wall in your back pocket. I mean, there's even times, there's wallets that suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've switched wallets a bunch because there's ones where the ID is like too tightly snug in a window. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to take it out, so it's much easier on the, on the wallets where it just like, you know, easily folds out like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do front pocket wallets a lot too. I'm actually about to switch out of this one because it's too big in the back pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I get a, it's a smaller wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come no one ever talks about the second world? The people that are in between the first and the third world. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Second world was initially used to refer to the Soviet Union countries of the communist bloc. It has subsequently been revised, referred to nations that fall between first. Right. But we never, no one ever says, oh this is a second world, you always hear about a third world country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the, yeah, every label has a problem. So, what is, how does the article start though? Okay, so it actually says, what should you call


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, third world, I think it says has always been blurred lines. Doesn't seem like it. You kind of just go like, look at this fucking airport, you know? Third world. Third world. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like the term development. Oh, okay. Because it assumes a hierarchy between countries. Yeah, there is. There is, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It paints a picture of western society's ideal. Well, it's what everyone's striving to get to, you dumb fucking cunt. It's pretty good. It also perpetuates stereotypes. Yeah, accurate ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Why do you think people are trying to get here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wish they could stick around and shovel up the dirt and sewage that they swim in. Is that why they're trying to get here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. Alright, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back and our guest today has a podcast called The Connect. Give it up for Johnny Mitchell everybody. Hey, what's up everybody? I gotta say this. I purposely, like I heard, you know, just like the rough outline of your path and I perfectly, I purposely resisted diving in and finding out because I wanted to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you start the way that most people do? Like, like, hey, can I get my weed from you? A half ounce or whatever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever dome it was. No, for uhm, what's it called? Peach Bowl tickets? Like these kids were so clever, dude. What they did was, we were looking for tickets, me and a friend of mine, and they had a folded piece of paper like this. And they go, here's the tickets. Right? And we took it, and you look, and the tickets are there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they're, they're peach bowl tickets. Like legit ones. And you're like, okay. Then they take it back and they're like, if you want the ticket. So then you give them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you're talking shit and you enjoy a fucking pretty great lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, graduation. Like you said, four years of like, low level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get there though, you have this experience of like, you know how to buy an ounce and kind of sell dime. And then because you have those aspirations, those ambitions, do you go, when I get to Eugene, I'm going to step it up? Like, is it a plan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, can I ask you, because this is, like, this is fascinating to me. So, you're, you're like, I need this. And, do you, to get that actual first source, are you, is it, I talk to this guy and talk, and then somebody was like, here's the guy? Like, is it through conversations?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did you take from that meeting? Was that just now we can, or did you take actual product from that, from that meeting? No, we just met them. Just met them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you got your 13 pounds though, that's your first like time that you're like, oh, like we're kind of doing this for real, but we stepped it up. For sure. This is not just dime bags now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People just want to be involved. That's how much the dream of like, I want to be a bad boy is real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now you don't sell, like, the move, right? I mean, from what I would guess is like, when you're moving, you're buying now, pounds at a time, what are you selling? Are you selling QPs? Are you selling, like, what do you sell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gaining any, like, edge as far as, like, now you're doing, like, the business is growing, but are you gaining any, like, uhm, like, hardcore edge to yourself? Like, with this, you know what I mean? Like, where you're like, I'll start carrying a piece, or like, does it all stay, or you stay kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do this now? Like you graduated to buying these, you know, you said 13 pounds the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you tell family, friends, people you don't want to know? Like, you know, I'm assuming like parents or something. Like, what are you doing? What do you tell them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the craziest period? Like, you're escalating, right? Because you're talking about, you're getting, you got coke, and then bigger, like weed buys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but after that conversation with him, you gotta, I'm assuming that his people now wanna, do they wanna vet you, they want you to come to Jersey or wherever he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously, I think shipping has changed in recent years where like, you have to put, like now you have to like verify your address stuff. But back then you could put like fake name, fake, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, did you ever have in all these like, you know, cause you're, you're dealing with like, obviously criminal people. You ever have a deal or whether it's an acquisition or cash livery buy sell where you go like, holy shit, this is terrifying. Like, you know, where you're scared of the other person involved or their crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, but yeaah, they were friendly, yeaah, they were friendly. And then, it's the same kind of as your previous meetups, just like, feel you out, are we gonna do, like, we can do this. They were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what gets you, what gets you eventually pinched? Like how do you get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I wanted to ask is that everybody who always like comes from a normal upbringing, let's say, and then comes into like real money, uhm, they end up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buying some shit, right, that it raises eyebrows. But you mentioned you're still driving the red Acura. I'm still driving the, the bunker, the underbucket we call it. Did you ever, like, you know, did you ever go overboard on something, or you're like, oh shit. No, no, I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what are you telling your lawyer? You're just telling him, like, there's no way I'm giving anybody up? Your lawyer's probably like, take this, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how long between these, you know, your own probation business booms, how long does it boom for before you get in trouble again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So interesting though that there aren't like, in this one, it's a lot of cash, but no drugs. No drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they, did you ever get talked to by either the locals or the DEA? Like did they ever get like, hey fuck it, like do they get real aggressive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, uh, entertain a not guilty plea this time? Or a different defense? Or just straight to guilty again? Like, like, with the new charges?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And jail is also like a place, right? Because like, if you don't go, I mean, A, jail is usually a deterrent for most of us, right? You're like, man, I just don't want to do anything that ends me up in, like, you get the idea that jail is terrible, but then like, you really have, I assume, like a real, a new appreciation for like, what a tough guy is. For sure. Right? For sure. And like, when somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love basketball. And let's, let's be real here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is ultimately what happened, right? Because you didn't have to do that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing that people, uhm, never figure, like, everyone who's like not in the system, ever been arrested, you go, oh isolation, give me that, right, so I don't have to be threatened by other people, but then absolutely everybody who's ever been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the worst thing that, like, did you have the scariest moment in prison? Where you're like, really terrified?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets, uhm, he has gang tattoos, even though he's not in a gang, like, for fun, you know what I mean? Like, so like when he gets arrested, they're like, what gang are you in? He's not in a gang, and he's like, I'm sureño, or whatever, you know, and they're like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put him over here, I'm like, holy shit, that's so, and he gets, he gets, uh, arrested in LA and goes to Twin Towers, like downtown. So it's been over, this has been, it's been overpopulated for years, right? So what was the gym is just bunks, like rows of bunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he gets processed, they're like, you're in a Mexican gang, you'll go over here. He's not in a gang, right? He gets his stuff and he's going to his bunk, and his first hour that he's in jail, uhm, an inmate punches a female guard in the face, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like supposed to be, cause he's in for DUI, he's supposed to be released within like 12 hours, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two weeks later, he's still in jail. Two weeks later, he's in jail. He's in, and like, he's basically having to like, you know, follow whatever some gangbanger's like, we do this dog, you know, and then he's like, okay, and just fucking going along. He's all, you know, he's got these crazy tats, cause he likes the tats, but he like, he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fucking eventually got transferred after two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, yeah, that's what I wanted to know. Because every time he said he would try to talk to a guard downtown, they were like, shut the fuck up. Like, you know, like yell at him, call racial slurs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm so scared. Scared, yea. That my bowels just weren't working. I asked him, I was like, you never even sat on a toilet. He goes, I would, I'd sit on a toilet. But some dude would like walk by, and as he walked by, I just pulled my pants up. So I'd never even start to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever, like, the big question is, do you even entertain the idea of getting back to it, or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, is it really hard? Because you didn't, you didn't like indulge in a lifestyle, but like, like do you, like don't you just miss making-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, I think that they still probably do that like when they're like, oh, I think my life's threatened. I think I just do it. I don't care. I'm in real danger. Yeah, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cousin was just went to Sinaloa and I was like, how was it? And he goes, well, cause you know, it's actually like pretty nice going into town. He goes and like this part of town he goes into, he's like, you see this couple.


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[Assistant] There's a man and a woman, uhm, and they're, like, overlooking, you know, like, some view. He's like, oh, like, he comments to someone driving him, like,


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[Assistant] Like nice couple. He's like, oh yeah, they're spotters. Like he's like, they never moved from there. Like they're just there all day. And they're just like telling somebody who's coming in, who's coming out. And he's like, and people like that are just, that's the thing. Is it like the person selling the fucking Icy is also on the payroll looking out.


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[Assistant] Like, the heat's coming down, man. You know, they got the, the Choppo Sun, but, um, like two years ago, they had them, and they gave them back. That's right. They let them go. Because, uh, cartels showed up with like tanks. Right. Exactly. They had bazookas. Bazookas and real tanks. Anti-aircraft shit too. And they were like, you can have them back. So I don't know what happened.


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[Assistant] They always do like those really crazy marches, yea where they like hold them by the back of the neck and they show everybody, like all the cops have their masks on and they, it's kind of like, it's so wild. They did that here, people would be so up in arms.


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[Assistant] And I had a security guy and we were talking about like dangerous places to go. And he's like, I can show you something. I go, no, I don't want to see him. I was like, just like, right. And then he told me, he was like, he's like, yeah. He goes, do you know these people CBS? I'm like the fucking television network. I go, yeah, I know CBS. He's like, well, they came down here and they insisted on going.


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[Assistant] So they took him down there into like cartel heavy heavy place and he goes and he's like they ended up seeing like a couple bodies hanging from a bridge.


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[Assistant] Now, before we wrap up, uhm, right before we walked in here, you saw two guys who work here. Yea, dorks. Yea, two dorks.


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[Assistant] Who have a basketball challenge coming up. Yeah. They're gonna do one on one. You know the stakes. It's a real deal. Uh, and he's gonna get dreads. Uhm, Ryan might get a pacemaker. Whoever wins.


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[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of your mom's house. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


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[Assistant] I do cuddle. I have a mountain bike that I love and I'm on that thing all the time. I saddle up.


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[Assistant] But I am a, I am a, uh, I am a cuddler. You are? Do you know what happened last night to me in my dream? This hasn't happened in a while.


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[Assistant] It was a dream where I was fighting somebody for a basketball. They were holding onto it and I knew I had to jerk it away from them but I had to wait long enough with my hands on it when they would relax a little bit. And I jerked it away and I woke up and I was holding my pillow. I jerked my pillow out from under my head.


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[Assistant] I've done therapy, uh, but I've never, I never fell asleep during therapy, so I never had to analyze that dream, you know? But, uh, uhm, I think it's good for people though, if they believe in that, just like religions, whatever gets them through. I think it's fun to also analyze dreams, as if they did. It's fun, I don't think there's anything to it.


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[Assistant] Although sometimes it's easy, like, I live in a nightmare now since I started doing this because I'll be walking down the street with pedestrians passing me and I'm looking at everyone like I'm in a funhouse. Oh, they have big, no, they've already exaggerated them. You know, they, they look so, like, deformed.


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[Assistant] Oh, he's great. And Jimmy Kemmel loves my sketches too. So Rami Malek was a guest on his show and he showed him my caricature of him and on Jimmy Kemmel. He held it to the camera. I'm like, Oh no.


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[Assistant] Because I don't know what these people are gonna think and he looked at it and he said, Kevin Nealon is no longer my friend. But I really never was to begin with, so.


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[Assistant] I see the eyes, I see the jaw, I see the squareness, like I said, his top of his head.


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[Assistant] You nailed it though. I like drawing the hands though too, holding up a picture.


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[Assistant] All these abstract artists from a long time ago, I'll tell you what, I was studying impressionists for a while. And I would go to the museum in France to live and all that.


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[Assistant] And I read up on Monet, and Monet used to do caricatures.


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[Assistant] Did he really? Yeah, he would do caricatures. Back then it was a lot of political stuff or commentary. But it was interesting to see, uhm, how he did that. So I've always loved-


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[Assistant] Character artist. When I was a kid, I went into, I lived in Germany for a while. My father worked for a helicopter company and we were on military bases a lot. And I would go into the commissary and one day I pull it, go over a napkin and somebody had drawn on the napkin a picture of, of, uh, like a private, like, you know, with a hat on and a big nose and a chin. I thought, that is so cool.


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[Assistant] Pretended drawing, I practiced drawing that for a long time. And uhm, and then from that, my parents had two framed, uh, caricatures of themselves over the bureau in my,


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[Assistant] Bedroom. So when I laid down at night, I would subconsciously look at that and stare at it and see what the guy did. You know, he was a great caricature artist that did it.


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[Assistant] And then I just started doodling all my life. Table reads at SNL. I would sketch the person across from me, whether it was Farley or Dana, whoever.


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[Assistant] And uhm, and I, you know, sketch people on airplanes, sleeping with their mouth open usually. That's right. I never show it to them. And then about two or three years ago, I saw this guy was giving lessons in England, uh, on caricatures. It was fifty euros a lesson, which did not cover my flights there every week. But, uh.


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[Assistant] You had a pretty good baseline though for it already. Yea, I did. I did. Yea. But I see these guys on Instagram and they're amazing. And I wanna be like that. But also like stand up. You wanna develop your own style. Sure. You wanna come up with your own.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think so. It's like anything else, the more you do it, the better you get at it.


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[Assistant] It depends, it's gotten less and less, but I, for my, my own, uhm,


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[Assistant] Caricature, it took me like three weeks because I kept doing it and then throwing it away and doing it because I, it's hard for me to, you know, to find out.


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[Assistant] So that's, that's me right there. That's three weeks? That was probably, but I don't know how long it was. I would take it with me on the road and in hotel rooms I would do it, I would sketch it.


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[Assistant] And, uh, you know, it just took a long time for each one.


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[Assistant] So this kind of captures that. And the other thing is during the pandemic,


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[Assistant] We weren't going out to do stand-up. We weren't getting laughs. I never took that much time off in my life. I'm sure no comic had. And I found that by doing these caricatures and posting them on Instagram, it was non-verbal.


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[Assistant] Comedy. People would see it and they would laugh and they'd get a kick out of it. And so I thought that was kind of like, you know, filling my void.


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[Assistant] Did you meet, did you know Freddie Mercury? Like back to that. We were actually roommates in college. Yeah. We went to a community school. I did not know that. Yeah. Community school in Amsterdam. Wow. We would get there by gondola.


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[Assistant] Interesting, I, we used to play basketball, Gary Shandlings, every Sunday.


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[Assistant] A real eclectic group, sort of silver moon play, uhm.


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[Assistant] You know, just so many different, David Duchovny would show up, Sarah, uh, uhm,


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[Assistant] What's his name? Sacha Baron Cohen would come who just started playing basketball. He would like start kicking the ball like a soccer ball. He'd say, no, no, no, you gotta dribble it.


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[Assistant] But a bunch of people. And because Gary did the Larry Sanders show, he had a lot of friends from there. Like Warren Beatty and some really interesting people. Ryan O'Neill showed up one day to play. Uhm, but Tom Petty arrives.


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[Assistant] And he's not there to play basketball. He's there just to hang out. Sure. Cause he had fun with Gary on the show.


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[Assistant] And I'll never forget this, he's sitting on the bench by the court. It's half court.


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[Assistant] We play three and three. He's sitting on the bench and his legs are crossed. I don't know how many times he crossed his leg like a, a, a woven rope, you know, like a twisted rope. Oh yea. Like a leg behind the leg thing. It seemed, it seemed like it went down because he's so flexible and thin. And then I noticed that he was chain smoking.


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[Assistant] Chain smoking, not only chain smoking, but he had another one lit as a backup. So when this one was finished. So in that, uh, in that picture I drew of him, he's holding three cigarettes and he's smoking another one. Wow. Yeah.


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[Assistant] None of us were good. That's why we liked playing. It was fun. It was a workout. Sometimes a ringer would come in. Someone like David Duchovny played in, I think, Duke or somewhere. He played at Duke? Somewhere like that. Okay. No, it was a community school I went to with Freddie Mercury.