[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And any other comedians that have a problem with it, they should fucking put a camera in front of their face and say what they want to say. Uhm, because, uh, you know, the majority of the comedians that I've seen have been, like, have said the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the bid again in front of the, do, do, do the same thing in front of the murals of Kobe. Go to the Staples Center and do it, and maybe you'll see if it gets, uh, uh, uh, a different response. Maybe, maybe I was wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hours, like within the hour that it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he didn't apologize when it was coming out and he's explaining it, like yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wasn't with it. I didn't know about the Burt Kreischer thing. Oh, the Burt thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, I don't know, I mean, I don't think, I think, I don't, I, I thought that about maybe throw up or, but I don't, doesn't seem like enough pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a little trail of it, so you see like at the top there is a trail of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The documentary, uh, Don't Fuck With Cats? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's about these, it's about these online people, regular folks, who are so great as a documentary subject, they just happen to be, like you would think, it was so well done, I was like, is this shit fake and are they actors? Cause I was like, this is too fucking out there, but it's about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These online people, regular people who get wind of this video of this guy torturing cats, right? They don't show much of the torturing video. And they get obsessed with tracking this fucking guy down. And then it happens again, then it happens again. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, life becomes, we gotta find this fucking guy. And it gets worse, worse, worse and way crazier things happen. Uhm, but the plot twists and the twists and turns and their obsession.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw this. Yeah. Really? Yeah. She really doesn't know. Well, no, I mean, she was right. He is a rapper. So, I mean, I saw this. No, she really doesn't know. That's a dumb fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that I'm not a fan of it. What's going on? It's, it's, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I felt at a certain point, that whole thing with Brent on The Stern Show started, cause at a certain point I was like, it's too much of it on the show, it's too graphic. I listened to The Stern Show in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to start my day listening to this vulgarity. And I'm, I consider myself a vulgar person, but like it's, it's, it's getting too much, too redundant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, uh, then when it all backfired, when his trip to Los Angeles, I was excited about that. Gotcha. And when the jackhammer came in and he jackhammered his wife,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too gross, and like, like, the idea of like, his breath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and the swingers club and the bad music and the, you know, the, the, the, just all of it. I was just like enough. So I had to, I had to put a stop to it. And inevitably I feel like I won because I feel like now he's not, you know, he's not swinging and they're not talking about the swinging. It took a little bit longer than I thought it would. Um, but I feel like inevitably I won. You did. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good to be fired up. And if I'm gonna involve myself with the Stern Show, I don't want to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucking be it. I could fi- I'll work it out. I'm walking around my house. I love it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, point of view, uh, whether it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, bad, and different, you know, articulating an emotion. You know, the Kobe one was very hard to do. Uhm, and just, you know, being able to articulate that. Or if it's, you know, fucking Trump shit or, you know, the New York Knicks or,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like I'd say, it's, it's, it's a big category of teachers that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well not recently, uhm, but I will- You're on that all green fucking diet. No, no, no, no. I have ulcerative colitis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've actually been in fantastic shape, but I am very open about the fact that when my ulcerative colitis isn't right, uh, Runyon Canyon, the 101 or the 405 becomes my personal bathroom. You'll shit anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But rest assure, rest assure, and I do have a three, a three wall technique where I try


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, the freeway is easy. The freeway is easy. The freeway is nothing because you have your car, you have the bush, uh, you have doors and you're- You've done that? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have ulcerative colitis. Again, I'm not doing it for sport. But if push comes to shove and I have to make a choice, am I gonna shit myself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The car door here, the car door here, cause you open the back door and the front door, you create like a little vestibule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my car, my car's like a Rite Aid. What are you gonna? I got like a Rite, it's like a Rite Aid in there. Like I, I mean it's not, like wiping is the least of it. I mean the, I mean you could do, you could do surgeries in there. I got band-aids, I got all kinds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would probably say, like the 101, the 405, the Runyon Canyon, that's nothing to me. I would say one, I'll tell you one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, I mean, you know, uh, flower, flower pots in, in New York City, broad daylight. This is in the 90s. Uhm, but I mean, I was, yeaah, I mean, this nothing, not, not a fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like fucking Cal Ripken in this. And I don't want you to jinx me. And again, I don't, I take pride in my discretion. Okay? But I am not a serial, I'm not doing it for sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's usually, it, not really, like, and again, it's not like I'm like, I'm responsible, like I don't leave the house, because I have ulcerative colitis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's in the comfort of her own home, so I don't really have compassion for that. That shouldn't happen in your own house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she was around, I mean, but like, as a woman, you know, like, you're, you're a husband, you're not gonna shame him. But like, you know, that's when I had very, very, very, very active colitis in the 90s. You know, very, very active. Were foods causing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, to be honest with you, I think that foods, uhm, accentuate it, and I think, you know, like I'm not a drinker, alcohol is very bad, uhm, citrusy things, but I believe, and you know, like I said, I've had it since 1987, 1986, I was diagnosed with it, 86 or 87,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I believe this is just my take on it. And even my doctor now, he, he agrees with me that it is caused by stress, but when, when uhm, it happens,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, there's no way to go about what I had without medicine. No way. There's no uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this point I do. At this, at this point I do because the ulcer of colitis is, it's not fully in remission, but I could, I could fart with pride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think she said if you ever take a dick pill. I was like what? I haven't taken a dick pill. Ever? Never taken a dick pill. Would you ever try it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you know, like when you're young in your twenties, it's like you wanna like, you know, you wanna like, you know, you wanna kill the pussy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, and I don't know if girls, at that age, the communication isn't like, maybe she doesn't know what you're like, you, you know, it's like you want to impress, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I didn't know that about you, Eric. Professor Eric. He's a professor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. You grew up in Manhattan? In Manhattan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventy, I was born in 1970s. Seventies, you know, one through ten in the eighties, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, oh, East East, Way East, like by the East River East. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the boroughs were, were, were rough, were rougher, but Manhattan itself, I mean, obviously Forty Deuce, Times Square was fucked up, but I didn't go there until I was a teenager by myself. And, and, and, like, I just, I don't know, I mean, shit happens, shit has happened, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never thought of Manhattan as like that. I, I just never felt that way about Manhattan. Like, Times Square at the time, you know, like the taxi driver images of that. But I wasn't there in 74, I wasn't like 4 years old, like me and him around. You know, but yea, so yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not the New Yorkers. Of course not, no. I think the New Yorkers, we were comfortable with it. Yeah. And, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, they're not. I don't know if they'll, they're, I think they'll, they're in the arty world. They are, okay. You know, but, but I don't know, I mean acting is like, you know, this business is not for the meek. You know, you can't, as people, like, I tell people, like, you know, say, well, what do you, for a young actor, like, you know, you better, there's no dipping your toe. You better have to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be something you have to do. There has to be a compulsion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a drive to do it. You can't go, I'm gonna try acting, you're not gonna make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're just gonna try stand up, try acting, you have to go all in. And it has to be something that you have a need to do, uhm, and a need to express, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever that is. That's, that's my, that, and the tenacity to with, to withstand the highs and lows of a career is almost more important than the talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the tenacity to continue to recreate, to continue to go on. Of course. That is like, the marathon of it. Yeaah, you have to have that tenacity, like, you know, for me, I've always


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you, you know, they might want a guy who's, you know, got blue eyes because the actress has got green eyes. They might want to, it might just be your fucking day. They might have a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, as a young actor, you're like, ah, I suck, and all that shit. You don't know that. You know, you drive yourself fucking nuts with that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stress factory in Bridgeport, then the next week I'm going to be in Tampa, at the Tampa Improv, which you said is actually in Tampa. That's uh, that's uh, Ybor City actually, it's Ybor City. Okay, 21st and 22nd, and then 29th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love the unpredictability of it. I believe you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too. You know, it's such a good time as you guys know for comedy because there's so many different kinds of comedians, there's so many venues, there's such a, you know, there's so many fans of comedy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because for me, like, my goal as a comic is to make it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, for me, like, if you're gonna do a special, it has to be actually special, and like, you know, like comedy, you know, for me, like, it has to, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, for anything artistic for me, like my own, I always remind myself if it's not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking crowning Jules and then he might have surpassed all his stand-up after doing years of stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's inspiring because you're like, you could just keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the cool thing about it. And, and, and like, you know, with, with acting so much of, for the majority of actors, you know, except for the elite of the elite, like the Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, like the Denzels, the people we mentioned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're gonna like, how many cops, you know, you can keep casting me. I love playing cops. But it's like, I play the fucking cops. That's so true, you play cops. You're always like, first responders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, I'll say about, uh, uh, atypical real quick is that I've done a lot of shit. The response from the fans of that show has been more on the side from, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so great. Such a great show. You know, I'm proud of it. So hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, uh, you know, I'll most certainly. We'll write to Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and they messed, I ordered a Waldorf salad one time, it was terrible. It was too sugary. I mean, how do you mess up a salad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, I love the sweet sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are like good. And Texas has the real barbecue. They've got the dry rubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was just a thing? She's just an asshole. She's just an a-hole. Yeah. You know what I don't like? Are the rib places that they only give you a piece of bread as your side?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, who wants to just eat ribs and bread? That's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize the ultimate sacrifice I'm making for you. To turn the heat off? Because I'm cold in here. It's freezing. I feel sick all the time when I'm in here. Well, here it goes, ruining my day to make your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I talk about my side dish? Here's the deal man. When I eat ribs, I like to have corn on the cob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited to be doing this show, we, you know, it's been a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so withholding. So did you, you're saying you got to see his unit? I saw everything, yeah. And?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I saw that it's all on the arm, on the forearm, behind, I mean the arm is fully covered and then there's a chest fully covered too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder, I wonder how much porn he watches on it. I touched his phone too after he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jizz fingers. I don't know. And we just sent Ali out for a snack run and I was like don't come back here with just a bucket of almonds because all you guys with your dick fingers put your hands in the almonds and your piss and cum fingers all over. You know like she'll get like a barrel of snacks and we don't do that individually wrapped only around here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so disgusting. And that's the snack hand. That's the hand you put in the container of almonds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is pretty, I mean, he has a pretty amazing immune system. I do think it's in part because of that. Remember when he crapped on his sheets and then he didn't even wash it and your mom had to forcibly wash the sheets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think men have such a high threshold for nastiness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have such a low, uhm, threshold, like, such a high, sorry, a high tolerance for discomfort and filth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Josh Potter, we also learned sleeps with one pillow on his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for him, that's his logic you're saying? Yeah. No, Josh, can we talk to Josh about this logic? I don't believe that that's him. Cause Josh is not malicious. He's just a cockroach and he doesn't live like a cockroach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks. So, how often do you do your laundry? Like how often are you washing your bed sheets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, I relate to Josh because I, too, deprive myself of basic comforts. Like, remember when I wasn't putting ice in my smoothies? Like, I just, okay, I guess I don't have cold smoothies. Like, I kind of get it because I was doing the same shit for years. And then you're like, wait a minute, I can buy another pillow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How often do you brush your teeth? Like do you- Twice a day. Twice a day. Do you floss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I find it fascinating that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men and like especially our dad's generation. I was talking to my therapist about my dad's inability to be introspective. That's what she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uhm, likely doesn't have the ability to go, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How am I feeling? What's going on inside of me today? Like, it literally would be just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hungry. I need, I'm horny. I need to sleep. I should drink something. And that's, I, I was, she explained this to me and I was shocked that that's how people are able to function.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand it, like he grew up in horrific conditions, in a horrible country, and it's not like his mom was super cool and like- No. And attentive to his needs emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't think about yourself. Yeah, it's crazy. You guys are made into sociopaths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, in this generation, it's not, it's not going to be the same, but you're basically told, yeah, if you have feelings and thoughts, you're a fucking pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, our FIFO, our beloved past FIFO, was really great at survival. And one thing I noticed about FIF is that whenever there was trouble, he was out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Guys, first of all, it's not bullshit. I think you're being disrespectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And explain this to me, so if you're non-binary and lat- latin now, it's Latinx.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or dust. You have to, but they have neuter in German. Do they not have a neutral in Espanol?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he did this in my motherland, this is in Budapest. Oh wow. So he, yeah, he did it in my motherland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be like me touring in Puerto Rico. I like how you're like, oh, I gotta go to Budapest for my comedy tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I'm so excited, uhm, to make this next announcement. Last year we came out as polyamorous, and this year I'm pleased to announce that I'm bisexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, can we talk about what we've been making on our brand new app?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and uh, you know, I'm just excited that now Tom and I are finally making our own TikToks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I would like to plug my account. I'm already double the followers of Tom's and I like to keep it that way. I'm at TheWaterChamp on TikTok. You may follow me. I make them almost daily and I have to say mine are really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I will say, I did make a TikTok, I made an homage to the guy that was like, I'm having my lunch, I'm having my lunch, I'm having my- like that guy, I really like him, I do have sincere love for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just doing an impression and I got a lot of heat from the TikTok community on that one. So if you want to check out the controversy, go to at the, the water champ on TikTok and you can read the comment. There's a lot of hate for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll tell you why. The genius of this original, this is the first piece I did, is because it is to the Fad Gadget song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Lady Shave, and it's an 80's weird song, and I, I felt that the music really makes a difference. So if you want to see the original, please go to the water championship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I can't believe I got heat for making fun of, I'm making my lunch, I'm having my lunch. You haven't gotten any pushback for this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was very tired and I just looked like shit in my kitchen. I just did that real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to be spontaneous. I don't always look perfect. I mean, on your mom's house, I have makeup on, I try to make an effort for you guys, but on TikTok I let it hang out. This is how I look around the house. I'm just being honest, I like to keep it real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how dare I make fun of him. But I really didn't see it as making fun of him. I really genuinely like the guy. I like his work. You were just like- Duetting. This is what they call a duet where you do like an homage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, cause that, look, your acting skills are really shining here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's, I know, and it keeps, he keeps- But to me- Wait, wait, wait, hold on, no, I have a science question. Okay. But don't you, isn't it hard to urinate when you have an erection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you think that's the craziest part? Is he pees in his own mouth and then he spits it into their mouths?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh, can you urinate into your mouth? Can you try?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, like he discovered this at like 12. Yeah. At age of 12, probably. Look at his mouth. He's like, I love doing this. Yeah, this is my thing. I wish I had a thing that made me this happy, don't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for sharing. Thanks for thinking of me. That's the nicest part of our marriage is that you still think of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why, it seems pretty awesome to me. I don't know if like, you know. I liked it, honestly, I kind of feel the way you do, Tom. Really? I enjoyed it deep down, it didn't bother me so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will say this for any woman listening, it is a really hard look to pull off to do thick black eyeliner on both the bottom and the top lid. And I'm talking like black, black, black like Chola, Goth Girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, pink, pink, light lips, and then you've got like, bangs and curly short legs. Not good look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a, I'm telling you, it's a really hard hairstyle to pull off. Especially at her age, it's so dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another problem. These women, and they always have these crazy fake eyelashes now. They look like strippers. Everybody looks crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so bad for these men that transition to women in their 50s. It sucks cause you transition to like an older woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think- I think he would have to like leave his family and just start getting laid left and right, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm guessing Cathy's the mom, that's kind of an older name. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there's the other moms, uhm, one mom takes her 21 year old to Vegas. Oh god. And injects her lips. Yeah, Christina's the young one. Yeah. And injects her li- that goes to a doctor that injects her lips way too much and then they go to a strip club and she gets her daughter lap dances even though the daughter does not want them at all and is mortified. It's hor- it's so horrible, it's so hard to watch. It makes me angry, the whole time I'm tense watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, that's how we are. I started getting into The Bachelorette, too, and that show is so awful. Like, it's so... I'm so embarrassed for everybody. I gotta get you into it. I gotta get you into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we went and saw a movie just to get out of the house the other day. Yeah. And we saw the new Spider-Man and it was okay. It was fine. It was good. Good enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yea, that's right, cause he goes to Europe. Now, my thing is, I gotta say, aside from Jake Gyllencock, that's what you call him, right? Jake Gyllencock?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but he's foxy and I love watching Jake Gyllenhaal. He is a hottie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, I did not find the rest of the cast to be attractive enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a movie. And, and, and this is coming from a person, I am not a, an actor, a movie actor, you know, I don't, it's not my job, but when I go pay, I wanna see hot people, look at this guy who's playing the Spider-Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just didn't, the whole cast I found to be kind of a bow wow, like they spent money on Jake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the lead girl, the girl who plays NJ, she looks like she's 11 years old. She's so skinny and stuff. It was weird seeing her as like a leading sexual woman because she's so young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Peter Parker was with, what's her name, uh, Kirsten Dunst?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Tits, yeah. She got big old titties. Yeah. Cure some dunst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't know, and then they had his best friend who was like a big fat Asian guy. And he wasn't cute at all, but then his girl was hot. They gave him the hot chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blondie, and they didn't put any makeup on anybody. I mean, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to see people that are better looking than me when I go to the movies. Don't you want to see attractive people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna look at a Jake Gyllenhaal caliber. Right. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Jonah Hill, they put him with uh, what's her name in Superbad, we were talking about that too. Emma?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was distracting to me how unattractive. I mean, look at that guy. With her, she looks better than, you know, she's a ten, he's a three on that picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that guy bangs models and stuff. Oh yeaah. Cause he's hot though, but Leonardo DiCaprio is hot. Who's, is this her? This fuckin' guy. Yeaah, look how beautiful she is.


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[Assistant] Do you realize you could be with a model right now, Tom, and you're stuck with me and these two kids?


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[Assistant] Anyways, they bound me out to see how unattractive the whole cast was. I kept focusing on it. I was upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm used to Kirsten Dunst and the Tobey Maguire level looks, you know?


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[Assistant] Joan Hill's girlfriend, Gianna Santos, from the Affairs to WikiFacts. Okay, well what is she? Santos, blah blah blah.


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[Assistant] Oh, I like how she's getting back, she's getting him back by eating his corn fry. Yea, I don't understand. Like how does that work at all? Like I'm gonna, I'll show you eating your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's in your windpipe, it's so dangerous. You would rather die than eat fried cum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, I guess, yeaah, I don't know, I told you, I, I, one time I worked for a man, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worked for a guy in my 20s who wanted me, he, he had, he was a German guy who had Nazi memorabilia posters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he showed me the poster one day, he goes, you know, I've collected all these, and he unscrolls it, and he goes, I want you to go down and get these framed. And I go, I won't, I can't, I can't, I can't, like I cannot take this shit to Aaron Brothers, like could you frame this? Can you frame this for my boss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, mommies. Thanks, Jeans. It's me, your mommy, Tina. Uh, Tommy is on the road, so I am plugging his dates for him. So, Tom is doing the Beacon Theater November 7th in Jew Dork Titties. That is New York City for you lay people. Tickets are on sale now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also just added November 6th in Kingston, New York and Charlotte, North Carolina. I'm sorry, Charlotte, North Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carolina on November 13th. Where is Kingston, New York? Have you ever heard of Kingston?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Jamaica? Okay, I don't have my earpieces and I can't hear you anyway. Alright, check those and all his other dates out at TomSagura.com slash tour. And for myself, mommies, Christina P online, September 5th, Milwaukee, September 6th, Chicago, September 7th, uh, Boston, aka Momston, October 3rd through 5th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nashville, Tennessee, October 17th, Spermvine, California. Just added that one, November 22nd, Meat Rattle, Washington, and then November 23rd, Portland, Oregon. Also check back for my 2020 dates. I will be adding those shortly. Mama's gonna pick up touring a bit more. Okay. I love you. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see you on Instagram, I know you're a kick ass mom. Are you married? I am married, yes. I've been married 10 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so, I know, can I nerd out on you a little bit now too? Yeaah. Okay, you are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had this era, this time in your life where you had like a gap here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to look like you, I couldn't wait for like to lose my teeth so I could look like you. That was, do you remember that face?


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[Assistant] I'm just trying to think, who's the most, have you ever had somebody talk about their craft with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. God. Not sorry. Okay. So forgive me, have you covered what age she started acting and all that crap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how old were you? You were a baby. I was my son's age. I was seven. You covered all this though. We already did it. Okay, I'll listen to it later. I won't bore you. Uhm, let's talk about the gram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I'm a huge fan of the Gram. You like Instagram? I'm on that shit 24-7, bro. Really? And I don't know about you, but you should check out TikTok, cause it's the next frontier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I often get people who, uhm, I mean I'm on a small scale, a public known person, and I get stuff like, stupid bitch, stupid fucking cunt, and I'm like, I'm like, what do people do who are actual celebrities? And you take a lot of risks on your Instagram in terms of, you're very opinionated, you stand out, you stand up, I mean how you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blonde mom. Poisoned. With the purple nips. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Funny you should ask, what I like to do, cause I'm on the gram, I go to TikTok and I find my faves and then I send them to my stories on Instagram and then I archive my stories so that people can enjoy them further. At the Christina P you can enjoy all of these TikToks on my archive.


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[Assistant] What's the- okay, cause I know you did Charmed, you've done a million amazing things.


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[Assistant] Now let me tell you though, when she did this, this wasn't like every actress was doing this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of all the shows you've done, I always admire actors because it seems so hard to say other people's words. At least that's, I'm not very good at. What's the corniest line you've had to deliver? And you have to really sell that. The power of three will sell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be so hard, we were just talking about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we talk about the breastfeeding pic on the gram before we go? Sure. Which one? Well, I mean the first one, the bomb heard around the world, I remember I was like, oh that's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come over and they see my circumstances. If they want to turn and go out the door, that's fine, but they usually stick around. And then I say, yeah, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here and there. You know when denim is required to be washed? By the way, my dick is the cleanest part of my body. I believe that. You wish I'd grabbed the nuts out of the jar with just my dick. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do the sheets pretty, like, once, uh, like, a week, every week and a half, I guess, or something like that. That's fine. Almost two weeks. That's fine. And then your clothing. But I only own, like, two sheets. Yeah. So I have to do it pretty frequently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you be upset if you were gifted pillows and stuff? No, I mean if it's there I'll use it. I told Tom this weekend like a hotel room is like my reward. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited, like I work hard and I get the hotel room and then I'm excited, then I go back to my room and I go, okay. How shitty is your mattress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty decent actually, I just bought it when I moved here. Oh, you did? Oh, so it's like a nice match. Yeaah, it's a decent match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my glasses are all bent up right now, and I am like, I should go get those like, tightened or whatever, and then I just don't. Cause I like, force myself like, no, you don't deserve it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But yeah, my dick's the cleanest part of me, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. And you're gonna do the crack and everything too, right? Oh, that would be dope because then I can have, uh, my, I could be like more forward about my desire to have my b-hole. Oh, you guys in your, okay. Scrubmasters are out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know, you know how to do man, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna come now. I'm gonna come now. I'm coming! Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna slap me around? Hey, mental authority for a hot cop or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go with the magic, baby. I want it all rough, tough, and no whole bar.


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[Assistant] Uh, I kinda just, I mean, for me it's the challenge. So, if I feel like I have an opportunity and it'll net me something, I just kinda go after it. But he's right, there's no X, Y, Z, it's kinda like, you know, per basis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good, it's a good way to start off a day. You kind of sue it up and you see who's outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to get into it. We're going to get into it big time. We're going to, we're getting into all the details. Um, I also had a absolutely magical weekend that I need to recap, but I'll save that for story time now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a quick reminder that here on the Your Moms House YouTube channel, you can watch other programs that we produce. Uh, The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, episodes of Dr. Drew After Dark, where he has the staff, our staff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On his show. So you'll get to sit there and watch Blue Band, Annie, Josh. Uhm, we'll be back on, so there will be guests on Dr. Drew after dark where he'll break down not just the clips, but break down our reaction to the clips where he is often, uh, not good with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, that's true. Uhm, of course I also do two bears, one cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With, uh, my, uh, my good friend David Duke, Burt Kreischer. And he, uh, we just had an episode go up yesterday. We're going to actually try to do it for the whole month of Sober October because Sober October started today for us. And, uh, that's a big thing. So that's always Burt and I just goofing around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fear of funny. Uhm. The fear of funny. And then where my mom's at is, uh, Christina's podcast. It's on her YouTube channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. It's almost like different people have differing opinions on things and women, uh, seem to be like not accepting of that in a weird way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uh, yeah, this is big for us right now too. We have a three day sale starting right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, you get 20% off anything in the store. Use the promo code Jean. That includes the all new Two Bears merch. There's a shirt, a hoodie, and a hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's also a tour shirt that was from the first half of the take it down tour, so it has the first half of the dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is another level. A license plate is amazing. This young lady...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Katie and Carson sent in a clip from their wedding video where during her vows, she announces that she will be through his life, his FGTR.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is, it is beautiful. You look beautiful and the vows are just so touching. I just couldn't be happier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wish you the best, it's really fantastic. F-G-T-R-T-D. I'm your F-G-T-R-T-D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and if you ever leave me, I'll have to say to you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people at shows are saying so. Oh, people are yelling it out. And then right before we rolled, uh, Enny, who, uh, is in the booth, brought something up. He said, you know, I've been thinking about our Subu guy and, uh, I'll just let it, what, what is it that's been on your mind about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, so you're saying, is he saying some, like, it sounds like he's saying you don't want no rec? Or, or it could be work? No?


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[Assistant] See, I kinda feel like it's set, maybe it's like you're picking up work, but he was, you know, sometimes the words kinda blend together. I, I still think he does, he's like, you don't want none, like, you don't want none of this, Soo Woo will come after you. Cause that's the, that's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the overlying message is like you're, you're saying I'm bullshit. Well, you know, you don't want any of this Su Wu, meaning I'm calling my team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like logically work, but I guess he could say it could be you don't work like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's work no rec, I don't know if that's slang for like, you don't, you don't bang on the streets. You know what I mean? Like calling you a punk for saying it about me. Cause you don't, you're not even out there, but I don't know if that's what that means. Right, right. Which is why we have you here. What does it mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so he's, because he's worked up. So that's what's going on. He's angry. Call me, I'll see if I'm fucking false blood. Like he's, and when you're angry sometimes, you know, your heart rate goes up. You start stammering when you speak, you know, and he's trying to like look cool, but he's actually super angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That that's happening, so he's stammering. So I think like his words are getting jumbled a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Attention, black listeners of your mom's house. Please come through for us. Please put in the subject line, I am black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let us know what Captain Su Wu is saying in your opinion. Is it want no rec, work no rep? What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I always thought it's want, no and then rec was just, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slang, some shit I didn't get, but I always thought it was want no, and now it could be work no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I gotta tell you this too. I had, man, I had a surreal weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I had a surreal weekend. I gotta tell you, you know, these tours have been, the tour has been really crazy and fun. But this weekend, you know, I did something that I haven't done before, which was really cool. I brought a friend along who's not in comedy, like not a stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really fun. It changed the weekend for me. I'm gonna do it more. Yeah, you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was good to do it and, and I also did like, I did, uh,


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[Assistant] Friday I did a 5,000 seat venue in Phoenix that was sold out. Bananas. And then Denver I did 10,000 seats on Saturday. Isn't that freaking crazy? For me I gotta tell you, it's been like a, you know, a growth thing selling tickets, but like, that was nuts to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got, I brought Sean with me and he's been doing a lot of behind the scenes video because I'm actually work, I'm actually, I guess I'm announcing it now, but we've been working on shooting a bunch of stuff to do web content for my YouTube page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can kind of, that's like cut off too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty cool. So I mean, thanks for everybody. I just had, I had a such a good time and, uh, um, Jeff Tate opened the shows. He absolutely killed. He just crushed the shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no. He's very funny. Yeaah, he got a nice new hat though. He got a nice hat. He did. I bought a hat. I took a hat picture as a joke. Yeaah. Cause I'm the hat comic. Yeaah. And then he walked out with one. And he did shows. Yeaah, he looked good. He can pull off like crazy fashion.


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[Assistant] I mean, it was a song and it's just kind of like a theme. It's hot girl summer. It's like, it's the mood of the summer, you know?


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[Assistant] It's just like whatever the mood is, it's an, like you, you know, it's, you enhance, like, you know, like you're dressed up, let's say, you're wearing heels and a dress. Oh, right. I like, I like big mood. It's just like enhancing whatever the, the mood of the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and then like if somebody is, uh, expressing a mood, you can tag big onto that. Oh, he's big angry right now. He's big mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's called a pullback, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's super lame. Christina's been saying like cool stuff, like talk to the hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying that's all? You're all that and a bag of chips, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hearing this more, I'm serious. That people are gonna start, that are saying something's gay when it's meaning like it's dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should, we should pray, I think we should lean into it on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they would be like, uh, and that's a 19 yard reception and a first down by Dakota Fagg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they could have, he could have just, you know, thrown another letter on there. Fagio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's getting intense. I'm ripping through the season. You've been falling asleep and I keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is true. Cause you're like, and then you're like, did you really say that? But so there's a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but what's fascinating about the 22 year old girl who is gonna shack up with the 29 or 30 year old Korean guy is that he not only lives with his parents in Korea, which is a standard and normal thing, but he comes to visit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his parents so that they can be around her and her already three year old daughter. She's pregnant with the Korean guy. She has a three year old daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First night, they came from Korea, she gets an Airbnb, it's fine, everybody has, they have their own room. Her fiance, let's say, is like, alright, like, gets in bed and then he's like, what's up with getting it in, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, well, my daughter's gonna sleep in between us. And he's like, huh? And she goes, he's like, when? She goes, every night. This is a man that she's known for basically three weeks. They've been, you know, Skyping and whatever, talking FaceTiming all the time, but she doesn't really know him. And she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Well, she goes, she, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. Yea, like, you could put him in the right light and I'd be like, she's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. He looks like he could have been like a beautiful Korean man and then someone just farted on him. And then you're like, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he looks like a, like butt splatter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, we were talking about her and now we're, you know, so whereas there's different people on the show. So that's one of them. Um, there's also a, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A 60 year old woman who goes to India with a 30 year old man who lies to her about his family life, his job, his housing situation. So she's like, well, he's going to take care of me. And then he's like, I am poor. I am broke and we have to live with my parents soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you really, you really have to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's just a crazy old lady. And she has no money. Yeah. And oh yeah, there was a great scene. So she's 60 and she goes and sits with a financial advisor and she goes, so I want to lay it out to you. I am moving to India for the rest of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just going to shack up with this guy there. Uh, can we go over my financial situation? And he's like, sure. And he like, well, he's like, is this everything? And she's like, yup. He's like, you have about six months of living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, I don't know what you've done with your life, but it's not good. He's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have no retirement. You have, he's like, this is all the cash you have. And she's like, mhm. He's like, well yea, you could definitely live for six months there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, cool, gonna pack up and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, but the best of the best is definitely the pig farmer. The pig farmer is in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ecuador. Ecuador. And uhm. Evelyn. That's right. It's Evelyn. Cold as ice. There they are. So, Evelyn and Cory. That's their names. And uh, that's on the bed there. That's a shot. I can give you the story. So, this guy is a really innocent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice guy. And he's a square. And he's a fucking cracker. And he's a Mormon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, live in the woods, just do everything by the book. Nice guy. So he takes a vacation and he goes, he ends up in Ecuador.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He runs into this girl and he's like, oh my god. She's gorgeous. She's sexy. He's never seen anything like he's never been around. And she's also like, you know, she's got a little attitude. She kind of busts his balls. Well, he is in love. He's completely in love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, they maintain a relationship. She ends up coming to visit him in Washington and she absolutely, he lives, he does live like out in the woods, but she absolutely hates it. She's like, well, I'm never moving here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going back to Ecuador and if you want to be with me, you have to move, not just to like Ecuador, not to the capital, the Quito, but you have to move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fish and pig village that is, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's just dirt roads and whatever that's, that's where she's from. She's like, that's where I'm staying. That's where I'm going to live. So if you want to be with me, you have to come here. This motherfucker says yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sells his car, he, he takes his life savings, he sells everything he owns, he gives her money first of all to open a bar in this village, like by the beach, so he gives her a few grand for that. Buys her everything she needs to take back to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mother, sister, father, cousins, grandma, like, she's like, I need, they need this, they need that. He buys it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She makes him pull over on the way to the airport when he's dropping her off to go home, get ATM money, give her cash to go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He packs up his life, he flies down to Ecuador, and when he lands at the major airport, he calls her, he's like, hey, I'm here, you know, where are you? And she's like, nah, I stayed home. Like, in the village. And she's like, he's like, what? And she goes, you could just take a bus. Like, she goes, you're a big boy, you could figure it out. This is your welcome to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I have four suitcases with me. She's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, and they go, he's like selling, he's moving his whole life down here. She's like, whatever, we'll see. Like totally indifferent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets to town and he's like, so let's go to your place. She's like, that's not ready. Like they're doing something there. He's like, so where are we staying? She was, we're going to stay at my grandmother's tonight. And he's like, okay. So they have to walk with the four suitcases, like a 20 minute dirt road walk to her grandmother's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when they get to grandmas, the grandma's like, you know, greets them, takes them to the, to the bed. She goes, you can stay here. Now the bed is just a mattress with sheets and there's no, uh, there's a makeshift wall. It's like a cardboard thing. There's no ceilings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's just totally cold. And so, but the thing is, you know, this guy's such a sweet boy and she doesn't respect it. And she, I think she needs to get drilled. That's really what she needs. She needs a fucking gorilla pounding where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her eyes roll back into her head and she respects the guy whose dick is doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he needs to make her do. I know, and normally- Make those kinds of noises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not that guy. He needs like, legs pinned back and he's just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, you know, like really, and then she's like, ah, stop, stop, she's trying to say stop but it still feels good. How do you say stop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girl's laying on her back, right? On the ground, right? Now you grab her ankles and you lift her ankles up. So now it's like her neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And head on the ground but hurt and then you drop your dick down into her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, see like how that image is... What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have to blur a little bit, but you know, you, you get it. You get it, right? What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you, don't you think that if he did that to her the next morning, she's like, Hey, I made you coffee. Like show a little more respect. Absolutely. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's doing that thing where she, she wants him to be a different person. That's not who he is. He is a sweet, nice guy. And that's how he's gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's saying mean shit, like even on day one after all that shit, we didn't even bring up that he says whatever to her and she's like, why don't you just get your stuff and go home? Like right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is our favorite acapella singer. Uh, you know him also as the acupuncture guy. Uh, no acupuncture no more. Yes, of course. Well, we put the I am a sexual person vibe out there and you guys immediately responded with a number of remixes. Would you like to hear some?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, up first is DJ ToeJam with Sexual Person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Like layered in there? Good ear, man. Grass Kingdom, who definitely, he had a banger with No More Acupuncture, he sent in his Let's Have Sex version.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great job. Great job. He's a very sexual person. Yes, he is. Uhm, here is Kyle B with I am a very sexual person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a big, uh, ensemble it sounds like is there for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She loves that bitch. She loves her. Like, he's totally in love with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Oh, powerful. Quick and to the point. Powerful. Uh, he used Rico R with Sex Tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you say that when you're out there in the clubs, guys? When you're dropping your ding zongs around?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, you can see me in Des Moines on October 8th. I'll be at the Des Moines Civic Center. The next day, Lincoln, Nebraska. Then Sioux City, aka Sioux City, Iowa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tickets available in Paris, a few left in London and Salford, and the early show in Dublin has some tickets. Then it's off to Kingston, New York, New York City,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ben Salem, Buffalo, Syracuse, and Charlotte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Brisbane and the 17th in Melbourne, uh, we're not going to add, I'm just going to stick to one show in the, on that trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you wanna go to it, you probably gotta get tickets now. Uh, there's still tickets available in Perth, uh, but only, let's see, less than 200 left there. And then I go to Auckland, New Zealand on the 25th of January.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my residency in Las Vegas was announced. I'm gonna be at the Mirage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, multiple times, and the first two are gonna be March 6th and 7th, May 29th and 30th. Those are in Vegas in 2020. They are also on sale. I know it's way in advance, but that's how they announce it. So go to TomSicura.com slash tour for all of those tickets, and I thank you very much. It's rare that we get to have people we actually enjoy on this show. Oh my god, Tom!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His new, his latest, uh, ideas not worth spreading comedy special presented by Abel Burz on Comedy Central. I'm assuming you can go and see it now on the Comedy Central site or app. Ian Edwards, thanks for coming here, man. Appreciate you. Is that true? Can people see it on the app, on the site?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many, how often, how many times have you encountered in your life, because I remember specifically doing a commercial once on set, and this is like, this is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst thing that can happen. The director is from Ireland. So you, like, I think that plays a part in this because it's a really white place. They flew him in and one of the actors was black and right away he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what you look like? And we were all like, oh shit. And he goes, uh, and the actor, the actor was just like, oh, who? And he goes, uh, Wesley Snipes. And everybody was like, and it's some guy with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and the worst part is that uhm, the person saying it, it's not like a grit, it's the director. So then you got everyone, you know when the director was kind of like, yea cool man. And then I feel like the, we all were like, and you could tell that the actor was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I definitely know I don't look anything like Wesley Stimes. So then we all were like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's Irish. Right. And he's probably like maybe met


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, met Tom Segura tonight, and it just, as long as the guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now to be fair, I have, if you're talking about, uh, like a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Born and bred, hardcore Jamaican, I've seen shit where I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that guy's saying either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, he's been over here so long that his Cantonese...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fascinated by destinations like from a country. New York is never really that surprising because it's New York and it's so big and so populated. But I'm always fascinated by like, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And that, that Hmong population, uh, is yes, there's like over, over 70,000 in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. That's hilarious. You know, it's just, you're like, what? Why'd you come here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, it's not like, obviously you gotta end up somewhere, but it's just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were talking to this real estate mogul a few weeks ago about how he invests. His number one thing, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean also, I don't know, I mean, I personally am


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I don't want to be in an extended, brutal winter, but I'm saying I don't mind winter that comes and goes to spring and summer. I like it. Yea, I don't need four fucking seasons. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's everything. I always feel like weather is as, as like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tired as a conversation can be about weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where did you grow up? I lived in a bunch of places. Bunch of places. I mean, mostly midwest places. I did live in Minneapolis, I did live in Milwaukee, Cincinnati, and then in Florida, so I got extremes, like extreme winters, pretty extreme, and then, uh, brutally hot, extended summers, you know? Extensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say the only time I get like, cause I'm with you that it's summer and it should be hot, I do, I find myself complaining more and getting irritated when it's like late October. You're like, this is supposed to be fall coming close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, we're getting into November and you're like, that's 97 today. I like those shits. You like it? Yeah, I love those shits. Whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I guess, can I guess, would it be in the context of a yes mon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's Marley. Here's the thing, with somebody as famous as him, with his catalog, with music, people go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The songs you, the songs that you celebrate or like from an artist kinda dictate how people view you. So if you go like, oh, Buffalo Soldier, is that something where if you're Jamaican you're like, that's one of them wack ass songs. Or is it like, so that's a good one to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Where? I met him too. He was in college, I was in high school. This was the time I went to the University of Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. It was the University of Miami, dude. And he was like 5'8".


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, and I heard the stories later, that like when he got there, I mean it was such a powerhouse school, everybody was like, coming from like rough places basically, you know, most people were coming from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No? Is that after that? He played after that. Yeah, because I remember I was in high school, and he was on the team, and I was on the field. Like, with a bunch of high school kids. And he had on, you know that rampage chain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walking into the octagon, right? Right. And it's super intimidating. It's a tough look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so this is a grown ass man that is beating the shit out of people, right? If you click on that one, the one that you're on, like that dude is walking into the octagon with that around his neck and you're like, what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hell yeah, and it worked. We were like, I guess we don't want to play college football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you sit, would you sit in like a three foot pool? Like if it was, you know what I mean? Yea, I'd put my foot in there. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's better than giving them a hand job. Oh look, there's plenty of women, many that I met and was myself with who were like, ugh. And then I'm just not married to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50 people, you know what I mean? And, and, which by the way is like, you know, all the time, right? Uh, and you tell it, and then you were like, you notice me like, what's up with you? And it was somebody that was upset, joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, what? Are you upset? And the guy was like, yeah, I am. And you're like, why? He's like, I just don't think it's very funny. And you're like, you know what you are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially, can you imagine, you told that joke, that was years ago, doing it now, it's gonna piss people off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did an interview with somebody that I saw somewhere, uh, it was like, maybe it was in reference to belly and he was basically in character from the movie, like ready to flex about it. I believe Louis Rankin. I don't know how old he is now, he's probably like grandfather age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is confusing. I'm with you. I mean, cause it's like, you also basically can put together a scenario. He's like, hey, how come my phone's not working? And they're like, uh, you know how you don't pay your bill ever? Uh, they're mad at him. And then he's just like, fuck you. Like that's definitely what's happening here. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe the whole thing is if he has some type of development, maybe he just can't figure out how to pay his bill. That's why he's in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A caretaker, somebody to come in. You know, who could maybe caretake him, is uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His hands in his asshole. Yeaah, yeaah. That's wild, that happens. He kept his shoes and socks on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like we were talking about how you either have to like want the audience. Like you go like, are you doing it in spite of the camera or for the camera? Right, right. You know what I mean? Cause obviously this person's angry. Yeah, what's your theory?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's embarrassing. See, you're right, the arrogance, the arrogance is what it is to be recorded and then be like, fuck her, and she leaves fine, and then they're like, a local teacher at Montgomery High School today, like, cause that lady definitely has some job. This lady works. And now she doesn't work there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, uh, he's just, he's on a golf cart that he obviously rented from the course. And then he's surrounded. He put, he put this post up. He's surrounded by Orthodox Jewish kids. And that kid's like, then give me your, give me this card. And then he's like, all right, after I get my stuff off. And the guy's like, come on, like, give it to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, in this case, these Orthodox Jewish


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time it was my birthday and I was going to a dinner and I had parked in front of a, it was somewhere in LA, I forget the neighborhood, like a tarot card reading place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, he was like, come in here. And I was like, oh no, I gotta go. He's like, where? I was like, I'm going to dinner. He was like, I gotta show you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let us like, uh, read your poems. And I was like, no, no, no, no. And they're like, just like 20 bucks. Dude, it was like a hard-pressed man. I go, no, no, no, I gotta go. And I felt, the funny thing is like psychologically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like I was disrespecting that. Like I felt almost like giving the 20. And I was like, no, I gotta go on there. Like, I mean, you're just, you're eating our food. It was a whole like plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever we have like, you know, some type of work done here, like, hey man, I need someone to look at the air conditioning. I'm like, did you call somebody? He's like, yeah, first guy was Israeli. I hung up on him. So I'm going to call this other guy. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about selling you something? So like, my mom's Peruvian, and anyone Latin American is going like, oh you're trying to buy a car? She'll be like, we're going somewhere else. Immediately. She'll be like, I don't trust this guy at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well, uhm, where, you're gonna be on the road, this is not gonna come out today, it comes later. But, your website, is it? IanEdwardsComedian.com IanEdwardsComedian.com Or I guess you can go to like RunThingsRudeBoy.net


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you right now, if you enjoyed just a brief snippet of joke that we gave you on this, that is, he is the fucking best. Thank you brother. You should go and watch, uhm, Ideas, wait, Ideas You Shouldn't Watch. It's called Ian Talk, Ian Talk, Ideas Not Worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick, it doesn't get harder any other way. And watch it get harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. It's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, story time. So me and my friend were at a party, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A friend out, and he met a chick. You could never tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't mind, you can never tell if a chick's a man or a woman sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, you gotta play a look at the draw!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he took this chick down to my friend's basement, down in the house, you know, and we're gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the... kick a wong wong, sure, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, so he's down there and they're getting in the mood and he goes, why do I feel like there's a log in your pants? He goes, ah, that's not how you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He pulled down the girl panther to seven inch long on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he ran out, and he ran out of there. I'm not gay, I'm not gay. Found out the guy's name's Susie. Nick's name's Susie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who really like, uhm, having their pussies licked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are shoes I would expect my grandfather to wear. Right. Only. Yeah. And that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's, they're terrible. And then he's like, the fungus is growing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I had hairy shoulders after seeing Josh's income. Really? I wish I would pay to get maybe fake hair put on my shoulders. Is that a thing? Do they do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not a lot of things I wouldn't do. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I heard that Drew has the biggest hog. For real? That's the fattest. That is from who? Fattest dick. From his boy. My Catholic. It's like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm mortified, let me apologize on behalf of our producer and my husband. I would have sent you at least a lift. A lift, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now we were just talking about this phenomenon, cause we watched a gentleman, I mean you don't fall into this category, but when like unattractive dudes- Why did you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personality goes a long way, so you're saying that you were just yourself, and you were funny, and, and, like for instance, to court me well as you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We posted one, we had one last week of a guy from jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if it's not positivity that should motivate people to get up and get off their asses and stop being losers, right? Cause then it's being a loser, if you're addicted to stuff, you're not paying your rent. How do you motivate people? Then what motivates you every day? What would you tell people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the amount of energy it takes into clipping coupons. You see these TV shows, the extreme couponers, these people spend...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause his consciousness, his parents taught him how to think like a successful, like you can produce more. You don't have to hoard what you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you know, guys like you, watching you, and Dan Pena, who I think is one of the most successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, in Dan's defense, I think the, the, the 50 billion dollar man that, that title is because he's, I think helped other people earn that much money. I think that's it. I'm not sure that he claims.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's the fucking worst, the, the security, and then you have to taaah, and then, it's an illusion, it's all an illusion of safety, it's not even real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Humans always want to evolve and do the bigger, better thing. And I think the perception of wealthy people sometimes in this country and the way I was raised is that wealthy people are bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they're just rotten. Never satisfied. That's right, because if you grew up in the Judeo-Christian world, not the Jews, they love money, right, Nadav? But, but the Christians... Merry Christmas!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people would take off and spend money. That's right. But they say the meek shall inherit the earth. And you should be giving, rich people are bad. That's what you're taught. And it's bullshit. It's bullshit. Why would you want to fucking be poor? It sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what Dan Pena says too, hopefully. I swear to god, he said that to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you're right, and plus the deal with the house is that you're hoping when you re- when you sell it, that's when you'll recoup or you'll make your profit, but that isn't always necessarily the case. That money would be better in your business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you don't have to pay for the fucking, the water heater breaks, you call the landlord. You call a guy, hey, fix this shit. Come over here, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If some shit breaks down, call the fucking landlord. Not my problem. Not my problem. Now it's always my problem. The kid flushed a fucking car down the toilet, that's a fifteen hundred dollar problem. Now it's my fucking problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you do what, middle, town homes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well especially if the economy takes a dump again. It will. There's more renters. Exactly. Then you're definitely not gonna be buying houses. No. They're gonna need rent. They're gonna rent. Yeah. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's got a fucking problem. The poor guy's got a fucking problem. Everyone's got a fucking problem. You may as well be rich and have a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and the upkeep on the damn ca- HEATING THE DAMN CASTLE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and what's interesting about you too, Grant, and especially this gesture of sending the check to the jet company, just see what they're gonna do. I had this wonderful boss and mentor and he told me, his name is Kevin O'Donnell, he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rules are, that's the biggest killer. Because you're taught to be a docile student, sit in the desk when the bell rings, get up and go, and now go sit in this cubicle, and you sit here from 9 to 5, and that, and that's, oh thank you, did I earn one? Yes you did. I'm so excited. Right, but that's, they train you from day one to be a docile body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause it's a symbiotic. You need, there's tears of shit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for my bracelet. I'm very excited. You earned that. Thanks. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be a little bitch, champions dominate. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, right, and you say that on your videos is promote, promote, promote. You say, that's why I do these videos with the Jets. Just to get people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, and I think what's lacking in today's weaning culture is the, we're not giving kids the opportunity to fail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not everybody's a goddamn winner. Not everybody should be getting the trophy. It's the guy that wins the race or the girl who wins the race that gets the fucking trophy. And the weenie culture today is that we're all special, we're all fucking snow. No, we're not. And you need to work to be special and good. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's how Coca Cola is still around. Exactly. Cause they, they spend a lot of money on advertising, right? To be in Brazil and to be, sorry. So promote, promote, and what else would you suggest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they won't, and to accept that fact, that reality that not everybody will,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how do we get the pilot, we can seal him off so he can't see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how to pick a tune. That's what I would tell him. This guy looks crazy. Do you know this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright. He's gonna say something crazy. I don't know. Let's just see. Let's get into it. It's the new episode. Your mom's house. Let's get, let's party, Jean. Let's do it. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't that Jack Nicholson from, from A Few Good Men? I don't know where I got it from. You can't handle the truth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm laughing at how bad of an idea it is. Right? That's what you're leaning on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you being serious? I mean, I thought, okay, just so you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the answer I wanted, what I thought, and I'm sure what a lot of people thought, whether or not it's agreed upon, I thought we were getting our 12 minute intro today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me uh, okay, I'm just gonna pull it up myself because I can't rely on you right now. So, uh, let's see. Change.org. Longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just under 6,000 signatures. That's people who took time out of their... That wanted to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sign on. It looks like there's another petition here. Down with the fart mic. No. Uh oh. Oh, and how's that one doing? Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we're having a lot of misunderstandings about this. I don't know, I don't know how to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I should be really explicit probably, right? In explaining how it should go? Mhm. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I mean, I would think that if you were going to try something different with the intro, you would use at least drops from this show and not George HW Bush giving a speech at the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I can't tell you, first of all, I can't tell you how many people told me I said Ben Salem wrong. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the, uh, the poll I put up. How many votes? 18,000 people voted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably would probably feel more positively about it too if I had a staff that could follow the intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I don't want to hear anything like that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is he talking about is a great way to start the conversation. He is, he's on the beach for those of you listening and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in the sun, yeaah, he's in the sun, yeaah. But he's also got a certain energy to him, don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Corona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even know Corona came in a can. That's how, I've never even fucking seen Corona. Have you? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a huge deal when you tell people things and you put it in their head and they believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he said, he has enough self-awareness, he's like, I'm not a fucking supermodel, but in my head I believe it, I believe in good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like organic laundry or something. It's pure organic dry cleaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in a few years, he'll be like, you know, this touring is too much, but I like going out. I like drinks. And he'll just start like just putting out positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Sounds like, sounds like you wanted to put an end to that fun we were having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuh, update, you ready? Sure. So uhm, we got, first we got update, we both got messaged by our initial, uhm, contact, Kay, remember? Yea. She messaged, uh, got kicked off of Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well shoot, but it was just like photos and then she was like DM me for custom work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Instagram just like shut it down. But what we've learned is that, uh, Twitter's a lot more forgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take it to Twitter. You can sell buckets of jizz on Twitter. They are ready. They don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, they're selling their, they're trying to pay those bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, you know, I think you have to be careful. You know, I was surprised we had our pre-show meeting and Potter was like really laying the law down on how this is supposed to go. And he said, you know, the correct hashtags are what's important. So I think he's going to do a little tutorial maybe on what you should be doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, my suspicion always would be Josh on everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he, you know, he would be the first to admit it and he said, actually he said that his were alright. So that means, I believe him. He wouldn't say it if it weren't true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have web feet? I got some webbings. I knew it. Uhm, are you guys gonna start selling, uh, custom videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder which one of you guys would sell the most. I really do. Of those guys? Oh, I know who has the worst feet. It's gotta be Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think anything that you're like, I wonder who's, who's, he's going to be the guy standing in the back in his head. He's like, I'm definitely, I've definitely got it worse. I think so. Yeah. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when it's time to show, as long as you put like a bat or something on it, he'll be like, see, give me that money. Mine are the worst. Remember his ball hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm saying, let's say your suspicions are confirmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you turn and he's, he's giving you a nice shoulder rub with one hand and jacking off with the other hand. Do you say anything or do you just let it go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it was, if I was like, Jesus man, ugh, I'm really sinking into like falling asleep. And then he's like, almost done. And I, and I noticed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just noticed he's just like, he's like, I'm not gonna shoot it on you, I'm just gonna shoot it over in the corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. But if he just turns and is like, oh it's over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, in my head, in my head, I'd be like, if I notice him masturbating, I would just go, he needs to get one out. Like, I would understand. I'd have empathy. I'd be like, he's, he's backed up. He's really got to clear it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could, but I'd be like, you must really need to get this one out. So I forgive him. Would you forgive a guy for doing that? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was he being chill about or trying to? Was he like, was he like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's jerking off. Okay. What am I supposed to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw one at school. I went to pick up our older kid, he's in class, and one of the other kids' dads was wearing gray, loose sweatpants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, I mean I didn't think the outfit was that unusual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever, you ever go in a pool and seen a noodle? Like a thing you can sit on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had one of those between his legs. This dick, I'm not kidding you man, it looked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It almost looked like it had the consistency of a three quarters hard dick, but it was totally flaccid. You know what I mean? Like it was thick, it was like flapping around, and he was there like, I was there for twenty minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause he clearly wasn't wearing panties. Dude, put some jeans on or something. You gotta tie that thing down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course he knows. Of course he knows. I think he, I think he does it cause he, not at school, but I think in life in general, he probably wants people to know. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it seems like it's something you would do as a flex or, you know, he's got, he's probably in his forties. He's just like, this is how I live. I've lived like this for,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might have had like super loose underwear on. He could have had that on. Boxers. But this was like, it was, it was a distraction. Like I almost said happy birthday to his dick. I was so distracted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I also like, I immediately kept looking down at myself, you know, I was like, Jesus, it's gotta be six times the size of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God, we would have had such, I never wanted you to be with me more. I could picture me just being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, uh, Puerto Rican dick shorts with chains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought, I guess the setting was like, this is a school. I mean, I was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I mean I'm telling you, I tried to show you, I tried to catch some video. Oh I saw. But that didn't fully capture what was going on. I mean, to give, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, this thing was like this thick, okay, and hanging was like six, seven inches long. A fucking hammer on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know why his wife kinda has a limp when she walks. I was wondering. Now I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Report. What do I do? Do I go to the principal? I just want to tell you something. You know, what's his name's dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a real big dick and he's not shy about letting us know. And then she'll be like, did he expose himself? Nope. I just think it was pretty obvious. And then she questions all the other people and they're like, we didn't notice anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I, uh, believe me, I couldn't have been the only one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was like, I almost wanted to pull him aside and be like, come on man. Like here? Fucking dick. At school? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all, they're all dick height for him. Here's the other thing. He is a shorter, super skinny guy. So he's probably... Short and super skinny. Yeaah. He's probably five...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe 5'8". Really? Yea, and like 130, maybe 140 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda wanna see if uhm, maybe him and his wife sell videos, custom videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be like, do you guys have like, uh, Instagram or anything? Or you're like, for what? Just like, I don't know, do you guys ever, do you guys take requests or anything? Like for videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have time for everything before we, cause we gotta break here in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, okay, so let's, let's do quickly- You tell me what you wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I can get behind this guy. Yeah, I get behind him too. I like him a lot. I like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she sent me one, a horrible one, and I swiped. And then, and I swiped, and it was like, some girl who was, you know, singing, like a, just a regular girl, and then I'm like, oh I swiped again. Dude, I couldn't find anything like this. Like in a hundred swipes. Nothing. Not one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's a, he's a leather daddy, he's got a leather vest on, sleeveless leather vest, no shirt, and he's got like a camo hat and a beard, and kinda looks like me if I took better care of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's nice. She's a nice lady. God damn it. Ah, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're probably causing listener suicides right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one of the big things that came out of the Theo episode from a few weeks ago, obviously


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, big Theo Gate. Big episode. Yea, a huge episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a good time, but there was one interaction where you told him when you actually first met him, when you met him, it was years ago, I think it might have been like on a challenge or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You went into specifics on this during this segment of you're like, when I met you, I actually remember like holding your dog for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all I can say is that TheoGate ends, but ChihuahuaGate just started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to get to the bottom of that. Of Chihuahua Gate. What's going on with Chihuahua Gate, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Dude, speaking of wild shit, you have got to see this clip. Now I don't know how the audio will translate, but the video...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A huge pool of diarrhea and shit, piss, vomit, everything. He's just rubbing it on his face


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why, but nothing makes me happier than hearing that. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] July 23rd, I'm in Rochester, Minnesota. Yea, where the Mayo Clinic is. Uuuhhh. I'm at that Olmsted County Fair. Excited. Chad Daniels and Josh Potter are on the show with me. Get out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the next day, 24th, I'm in Appleton, Wisconsin. 25th, Rockford, Illinois. 26th, Peoria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 27th Cedar Rapids and 28th Evansville. It's a bus week. What? What? Shortly thereafter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wilkes-Barre, PA, Terrytown, Albany, Foxwoods, Hampton Beach and Burlington, and then I go to Canadia. That's the country to the north of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And up there, I will hit London, two shows in Toronto, two in Winnipeg, two in Vancouver, and Calgary. Calgary sold out. That is, uh, August 18th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your tickets to those and all the other days coming up. Doing Europe. Hitting a bunch of cities in Europe. TomSegura.com slash tour. And I recently added a show in... What is it? Grand Rapids. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come holler at your boy, thompsongara.com slash tour. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe, if they, uh, I mean, McDonald's does have a great menu up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is my great pleasure to welcome our next guest, a Hall of Famer, legitimately a pioneer of hip hop and an all around great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My first two tapes, I bought cassette tapes when I, when I was a kid that I purchased were the fat boys and the Bundy. Wow, fat boys are incredible. Yeah, man. That was like, and like to see that you're here right now is incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I was thinking about today, like, just knowing that I was gonna see you here? I was like, it actually like hit me like, oh yea, you didn't have hip hop to list, like, you created a genre, which is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And that's what runs over brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, when he buys those comic books, he just buys them and goes, oh, I'm buying. And then how long until you guys, like from that point, till you guys actually- Till the hookup. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just took off, man. Now, cause I see you're wearing the Aerosmith shirt today. Yes. Uhm, so when walked this way, I, I feel like- We had no idea who they were. You had no idea who they were?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that song is significant too, in that it really got so much exposure, right? It elevated everything else that you guys were doing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a, that's a, like at the time too, that video, it's great because for people who haven't seen it, obviously you can look it up, but like you guys are on opposing sides of a wall, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, you know what you mentioned earlier, is that you did, you're doing songs, you and Run are doing songs about like how nice you are, like how good we are, and don't you feel like, or may I'm wrong in this, but like, that that whole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lane of MC, like that being a thing, was huge, and you don't really hear those songs anymore. Like, people don't rap about skills.