[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when you lay in the bathtub, you lay low in the bathtub, and your neck and head are like upright, but the rest of your body is laying flat? That's the only way I could sleep for like two or three weeks, snoring like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was awful. And, uh, but slowly the pain's been, uh, sort of, uh, getting to a point where I can manage it a bit more and, uh, I can sleep on my side. But the only way I can sleep on my side is with one gigantic pillow directly in front of my torso that, you know, I'm facing it sort of thing. So it looks like I'm hugging it or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but because it's, it's, it's slightly trapped or it's, it's being irritated by something that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, trapping it to, or whatever. It needs to move so that you can get like, you know, blood and oxygen to it. And so a way that you can do that is by looking at, extending your arm and looking at your arm when you do it. And then when you bring your arm back up, you look away from your arm and that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This losses the nerve like in and out of the little hole like that as it comes out of the, like your vertebrae or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's not like I was out doing something interesting, like pushing a car, or like fucking digging a ditch or something like that, you know? I wasn't doing anything, I just fucking slept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right. He always, he always seems to cast really horrible English people, like, in roles, right? Like, not, sorry, not the actors themselves are not horrible, but like, mostly like in, especially in war movies that he's done or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] English generals or English, uh, you know, people like, even like, uh, even if like they turn up and they help or whatever, they're always quite rude and like, and shitty. But then when, if an American turns up, it's like, oh, hey Buck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, they're a lot more formed, you know, like maybe he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only country in the world that can do radio waves, you see, that's why. That's why he picked up all the Americanisms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would that be crazy, eh, if they actually intercepted that message all that time ago and really took it seriously and the new threat of the entire world is space nazis? Like they turn up in their ships and fucking swastikas everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They went that way. Oh my god. I wanted to say, part of my journey into some new depths recently, cause I didn't actually finish, the sleeping situation with the neck problems was one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've been watching Married at First Sight Australia every night, pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also The Apprentice as well. So I got a double dose of shit on TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, a single heavy dose of a shitty sleeping situation. So it has been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also the baby, uh, keeps waking up at about one in the morning and insists on sleeping in our bed, which under normal circumstances is not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to be kicked and punched and pinched and tickled all night long and it's annoying. It was really, she had a cold earlier in the week and insisted on trying to breathe through her nose, which was completely blocked. She did this while she was sleeping. What a fool. It was so annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, and also I was in pain, I couldn't sleep, so I was like, fuck this, I'm just gonna go downstairs and try to sleep on the couch in the living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was just weird, I hated it. It's weird sleeping downstairs, there's like different noises down there and stuff, it's like, it's creepy, it's not comfortable, it's cold, like ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like it's got like a nice, sweet apple filling, y'know? Or like, with some custard. Custard apple in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, hang on, there's a deb- there's a British screenwriter called Deborah Davis. There's an author called Deborah Davis. Is this she on Real Housewives, Lulu?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get her, Davey, psychic medium, there's, when you look her up, there is a mat pin at the airport parking just outside of Manchester. A Moss Lane. Get her! What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I still have Nirvana in utero on cassette, and I have Ramone's Rocket to Russia on cassette as well, because my old car had a cassette player, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the Fallout music by the Inkspots, you listen to that on vinyl and you get all the crackling and stuff and it teleports you to, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Transported to Fallout. The Apocalypse. Yeah, the Apocalypse, the Nuclear Apocalypse, 200 years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fun. I love to hear crazy news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, like a Griswold sort of mobile. Like a Griswold family car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just been, like, a long series and, uh, lots of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he said something about how after streaming for a bunch of hours, he was tired, and people were basically complaining and saying, oh, he's rich, there's no way he should complain, blah blah blah. Uhm, I don't know any of the details about what really he said, but I saw people's responses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing this for like, very long days and very late finishes, so, uh, I feel justified in, not complaining, but grumbling about, about, uh, work a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, it's hard graft all the way. Like I'm not spending 10 hours chipping coal out of an ore vein or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like watching video games and then talking about them. And it's not like physically demanding or anything like that. And quite honestly, especially for my role, I don't even really need to like do any in-depth analysis and bring up stats and clips and stuff like that. I just go on there to be a sort of clown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is tiring to have to think of stuff to say, to improvise, to ad-lib sort of on the spot, to be on broadcast and to be, to try to be sort of up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For that length of time, uhm, and sometimes the game is incredibly dull, uhm, and you have to go in there and talk about it and then, you know, we want to try and entertain people with the rest of it. And after two weeks of that, it is, it is hard. It is, it is hard work and it is generally mentally tiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night, we, we had the chance to finish on time, like 12-ish, and all we needed was this game to, to end. And the, the, the one team won the fi- because they're best of threes, one team won the first game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then in the second game, they're doing well, they're doing well, they're doing well, and the other team started coming back into it. And if the other team wins, it's now 1-1, and we have to go to a game three, and it's not gonna be an early finish. And we just all really felt like we deserved this early finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that happened and it felt like we deserved a break and we got it. So we got home and we were like, ugh, we just, you know, everyone was so wiped out. Cause the night before we just, I woke up in the morning, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I was so tired. My body was just broken. My sleep schedule was fucked. We were all exhausted. It was rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we've got, we've got tomorrow and the day after, that's just two series. A best of three and a best of three on one day, a best of three and a best of five on the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're around other people, right? So it's not like when I'm at home, obviously when you're with your family and everything, you're way more relaxed. Whereas when you're around people, like these are people I've known for years, like colleagues and stuff like that, but there's, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the, uh, the offices that we're at, you're going around, you're in someone's place of work, you've got like, we've got like a green room, which is really nice this year, where we sort of chill out and watch the games and, and talk, but the games are like an hour long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it, uh, it's been, you know what, I've never done the two weeks before. I've only ever come and done one week. Like normally for DreamLeague, it's a two week event and I'll do the second week because someone can't do the whole week so I'll replace someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think once I get to 50, which is like two years away, right? Cause I'm, I'm going to be 48 later this month. In three weeks time, I'll be 48. So in another two years, I'll be 50. I'll be celebrating my 50th birthday. Being 50 and being an


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Star Trek Next Generation, first episode was 1987. Patrick Shee was born in 1940, so he was 47. So he was my age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not the mistakes you would think. It was little production errors that I think now that the show is in HD are even more glaringly obvious. Because if you watch the original broadcast on a TV, it was all a bit fuzzy. Like SD back in the day, regular old telly, you could really see shit. Like it was really pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and little things like, you know, uh, actors put little marks down, like the production put tiny marks down on the set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same cameras you use for film, and then you just edit it down to 4.3. Like, I don't think you can film not in 16.9 if that's the format of the camera, I would assume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like shit. It really does. A lot of TV in the 80s looks like shit. Something about Star Trek, they did, they did a bloody good job, but something you won't be able to not see now if you go back and watch it, they used black paper to cover up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People come in, doors that don't close properly, because obviously there were people just sliding them manually. So doors just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't really know what to do with her character. I think early on they were like, she's the British sort of, uh, woman looking after Martin. Uh, let's give her a funny little thing. She thinks she's psychic. And then after a couple of seasons, they were like, let's just pretend that never happened and just move on. And the, the, the whole focus of the show was, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, him and him and Frazier, like, Niles Frazier took one of my favourite sort of two characters when they're together. They're just brilliant. There are so many great episodes in that show. I have very fond memories of it because I watched it, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, uh, it was on TV, when I, when Mrs Efford left for work in the morning, it was just me and the baby. Like, this is when, when we had our first, uhm, and, you know, in the morning we're just sitting around there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we go off to a play group or I take it to the park or whatever, we're kind of chilling out and they ran two episodes a morning in sequence the entire series. I watched the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgotten disasters. Forgotten disasters. Things that perhaps people aren't aware of, or forgotten about, or that kind of dipped out of the public radar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but it's like some of these are so unbelievable that you just think, how the hell did I never know about this? There was a TikTok where there was a sort of list of these. So one of them was the Tenerife airport disaster, which was the worst aviation disaster in history. Have you heard of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's the deadliest in aviation history, 583 dead and 61 injured. Jesus Christ. This was two planes collided. This was on the runway they collided because one of them was on the runway and the other one thought they'd been cleared for takeoff and there was like a miscommunication. Comes Heron on the runway, smacks into the other plane, huge explosion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's what I didn't realise. The reason that this happened, well obviously it was pilot error and all the rest of it, but the reason that those two planes had been diverted to a different airport in Tenerife was because of something called the Canary Islands Independence Movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Directly, but indirectly, the airplanes had been diverted to Tenerife, uh, because of activity by this lot. At an airport, they set off a bomb at an airport. It didn't kill anyone, but it injured people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people forget in the 70s, there were so many terrorist organizations, including the Canary Islands Independence Movement. I just think you've got all these other armed factions and genuinely large terrorist groups, and then these lads from the Canary Islands, which is like a tiny, tiny population base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, Independence for the Canary Islands is like, how many of you are there? Three of us!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they took over the island and now they're serving, uh, drinks in bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, when were they, uh, when was it sort of populated? Because I don't think it didn't have any native population, I would guess, because I don't think they're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although the original settlement of what I now call the Canary Islands is not entirely clear, uh, they think that indigenous peoples were living there at least 2,000 years ago, or possibly 1,000 years before that, and that they basically were related to the Berbers on the nearby North African coast, so the Berbers-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's incredible. I thought we could do a 24 hour stream of the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you could even get 30 people and do it in 3 shifts. Everybody does 8 hours. And it's 24-7 stream. You'd have to get a print out of the board to make it much bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big pieces and you'd have like sideline reporters covering the war, the whole thing. Uhm, it would be, I don't know if people would ever watch it, but this, I would, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is 200 pages long, and you basically have so much to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you need a person dedicated entirely to logistics and their entire job is managing the logistics. Then someone else's job is moving supplies from the, from the rear to the front. Then someone's job is security and handling of prisoners for that interior area behind the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you have a frontline commander who's in charge of the actual front and then you have someone in charge of the Air Force. That's five people per team. And can you imagine if your job for 1,200 hours is managing supply levels and evaporation of water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that one day games would be huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a variety show for these two travelling entertainers and the kids go there and they're told.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there were toys and when the kids heard this, that a certain number of kids with, with like, there were numbered tickets and they'd get prizes. Bunch of little kids were worried they wouldn't get their prize, so they all ran down there to try to get their tickets and a bunch of them got crushed. Awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely awful. You know, it's when you read about these forgotten disasters, uh, that's one of the reasons why people that complain about things like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is terrible. So you bring in laws and restrictions and you get people who are experts in safety to try to make shit safe. Like I know someone told me that if you're ever out driving,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially in the countryside, and you see, like, you know those arrows? It's like arrows at the side of the road, like black and white arrows that point in the direction that a curve is going. They don't just put those down everywhere. Generally speaking, if there's been an accident of some kind, they're like, how did this happen? They look into it, it turns out a certain time of day, certain speed, certain...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. You can't really see the bend. So they put these things there to prevent a future accident. So one happens, people investigate, they realize there's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you were in a car, your blind spot of the sort of the pillar of your front windshield meant you couldn't see like an oncoming cyclist or an oncoming car. And if you were both at a certain speed, it was just bad luck. The angle of this intersection meant that that was the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now we have all kinds of rules and you wouldn't design an intersection like that, but this one was designed like that. So I find it interesting to read about these things because you could then imagine why they brought in some safety restriction, why you have maximum occupancy, why you have barriers here or things that seem awkward, it's because of shit like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a dam failed at, uh, the, the South Fork of the Little Connemore River, uh, in Pennsylvania, and 14 and a half million cubic meters of water came steaming down. Oh god, don't say people. No. This, uh, 2,208 people were killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 9-11. Uh, but the Galveston hurricane, this was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thousand people died in the Galveston hurricane. Jesus. This was in 1900, um, and it just smashed into Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The top three are all China. This is like death tolls. The 1887 Yellow River flood. Two million people. And the 1976 Tangshan earthquake. Have a guess, how many people died in the 1976 Tangshan earthquake?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certainly I'd say population density. Uh, so I mean, for example, looking at the deadliest natural disasters in the 20th century.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the top ten that I see here, until we get a country that I would not list as being like, one of those densely populated countries. So China, India, China, China, Bangladesh, Japan, North, North Vietnam I don't think is as densely populated, but maybe it was. Oh, it's Hanoi, so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, aid relief and rescue efforts would have been extremely basic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the one that killed the dinosaurs? No, this was an impact in Siberia. And here, I'll read to you about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, oh gosh, I could tell you if I had five minutes to think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, about ten, five to ten kilometres up. So it didn't hit the earth's surface, so it left no crater, just exploded. Yeah. Flattened this vast area, uhm, of, uh, of forest, about, about 830 square miles, just completely flattened and devastated. Jesus. By this explosion. But yeah, I mean, you can imagine that could have happened over London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, but it didn't. So things like that, obviously the earth is very big, most of it is water, so much of this shit is gonna come crashing down in the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a megaton is a thousand of those, a kilo- no, a kiloton is a thousand, megaton is a million? I don't know, fucking hell, I'll look it up, I'm so stupid. Uhm, so, let me see, megaton is, uh, shit, we're so bad at this, grams of TNT, it's like, it goes kiloton, megaton, gigaton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't need to be that big. It's going that fast. Hits atmosphere. I mean, think of it. You're traveling at ridiculous speeds out there in space, all of a sudden you're in atmosphere. It's like that ex-KCD comic about what would happen if a picture threw a baseball at the speed of light. Did you see that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. The problem is, it breaks the gun to shoot it. Like every gun that you shoot, when you shoot an actual, like just a regular rifle or whatever, there's wear and tear on it. Because as the round travels through the barrel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's eating away at the barrel and all the components and it's all very gradually gonna wear down and as long as, even if you keep it clean, eventually the gun's just gonna, bits are gonna break through wear and tear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The railgun is so powerful that it just, you can't even fire it like a dozen times before it just breaks apart because it's so, so violent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me look up Big Sexy, which is my, uh, Bartolo Colon, my favorite baseball player ever. I'll copy a picture of Bartolo Colon. This lad was a big fucking lad. Let me see if I can paste this here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't. You can't, absolutely. Look at it, look at this, look at the size of it. Oh, this, that's great! He's a unit. So, he played for the Mets, he was a tremendous pitcher, uh, and there's, he hit a home run in a game, this is when pitchers used to actually bat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a homerun and everybody goes fucking nuts. People would come to the games with giant Bartolo Colón cut out heads and stuff like that. Uh, he was a legend. He was a legend. Just uh, I think he was a reliever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to go to LA and start a gang and perhaps me and CJ will get back at it again, eh? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I've got, not news, but I've got a bit of old news. I just saw this post on Reddit the other day. Uh, uh, sorry, this morning. Um, do you wanna, do you wanna hear this? Yeah, yeah, I'd love to hear it. The London Calcutta bus service?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hippie route, yeaah. It took 50 days to get to Calcutta from London. The voyage was over 10,000 miles, one way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The forward observation lounge on the upper deck was more like a tour. You didn't just get on the bus and fucking sit all down. It was like a proper trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, just a last thing that I can think of this week, and then, uh, I mean, this has been an hour and fifteen. Let's see if, like, let's all have our last point, otherwise we're gonna be here all day. I gotta go shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, the Surveyor Crystal memes. Have you seen these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obi-Wan, in the scene where he goes, your father was the greatest star pilot in the galaxy, and he reaches into a box to get his lightsaber, and then they cut to a guy's hand with a robe kind of like Obi-Wan's, reaching into an ice box to grab a beer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at my bridge club, uh, I was teaching the old ducks how to play bridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would- I'd say by playing cards, I mean. Yeaah, but like, you pick it up from a young age, right? But having said that, I don't know if my kids would know, like the royal


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet of cards, you know, I don't, I don't know if they've ever even seen cards like they've seen playing cards like, like top trumps and stuff like that, but I don't know if they've actually ever played normal cards, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not one to say, but I feel like cards is kind of like, you know, Flax, I think Flax kind of nailed it before asking if you were with a bunch of 80 year olds. Cause like, I feel like nowadays maybe cards is like, they're old, you know, they've been around for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's play Tetris against each other and it works straight away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This should remind me, we go to a restaurant here, sorry to detract from all this, but we go to a restaurant here that makes their own sourdough bread, which is not a big deal or whatever, but it's nice, and they grill it too. They grill it, and then they do, they put eggs on it. Like, however you want eggs, you get like a poached egg on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like with a lot of this stuff, if I was like, uh, if I was David Beckham, I would forward all of these to my chef and say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surprise me. Otherwise, it's a pot noodle in my bedroom, every night. You know what I mean? I'm not doing all this stuff. There's no way I'm doing all this stuff. Hiding from your family. Yeah, pretty much. Do you not work together and cook stuff? You do, I know you do. Very rarely. Especially now with three kids, like, never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Do they have dietary requirements? I didn't think that they... I didn't have them down as dietary requirements. Types.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You heard yourself, tell us more. I have a chatter, I'm going to big up my man, he's a chatter in my chat called Jim, and he's been to Centre Parks many times. And actually, he sent me a customized mug that had Centre Parks and a velociraptor on it as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me what Lewis thought of Centiparx. He asks me like all the time. Like, it's an ongoing discussion, Centiparx. Why does he love Centiparx so much? I think because he went a lot as a kid, and I think that's the magic of Centiparx.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you take- I think it is the magic. You take your kids there, and they always remember it as a fun holiday, and then they'll take their kids one day to try to recreate that magic. I've never been. I've never been either. We started a tradition though, cause my kids love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we could go, we could go to like Japan or whatever, Center Parks! Okay, I guess we're going to Center Parks again. But, you know, they like it, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three acres is, I would say, is a wood. Whereas like, 2500 acres is a forest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's the one, yeah. Did they have those big reindeer that sing together, the barbershop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see people unpacking their cars. I saw a guy unpack his car and he had like, it had to have been 524 packs of iron brew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, like, uh, when, when people are unpacking their cars, it's wild. Like, I thought we were bad. We took our car because we had a lot of baby stuff to bring because the baby's quite small at the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we, I felt like we were like the Beverly hillbillies with every belonging we had on the roof rack and everything. But when we got there and we saw that everybody else was about 10 times worse than us, we didn't feel so bad anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, we went to that last, when we went in the winter, we went to see one and they had, they had one called...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody is in the same boat. Everybody turns up there with loads of kids, loads of extended family, and everybody is just about having a good time, kinda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you bless, did you bless the earth, uhm, the most natural way you could think of, and did you just spray jizz all over it? Yeah, jizz on the air. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to be sort of like, uhm, optimistic and supportive of this, but it does not sound great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, it's not much else to say, really. It's like, I get that people like doing that, but I mean, I don't think I would ever do that. Flax, I don't think you'd ever do that. Lewis, I guess you tried it. I don't feel like you would ever do it again, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he wants to get stuck in a bit, like, he wants to try to experience what they experience, or at least understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not saying don't do something. Like if you want to do something, go for it. I think that's great. But like at the same time, I know for me, I would not enjoy that. Like I'm just not into that, uh, sort of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean, you got, you got, when you got, especially when you got kids, their limbs are flailing around everywhere. I got kicked in the face, in the junk, you name it. Like I was, I was the same. Bruised and battered. It was great fun. It was great fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate how people are around those things, like paintball, go-karts, anything like that, where it's a big group activity and there's some element of competitiveness to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You probably feel, I think that cause the feelings of anger are probably, uhm, like a disappointment within yourself to begin with. And I think if you go to a room and you smash up a bunch of stuff, you're even more upset with yourself that you've broken a bunch of stuff that's not yours. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, I think that they just need to cut people's balls off. Cut them off. Right. That's what they do, that's how they keep animals under control. They just cut their balls off. So like, let's just, let's just start cutting some people's balls off and calming them down. Not my balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just as bad as those people who are super shitty, passive aggressive, and then you look up their social media profile and all they've got is, uh, images of, uh, inspirational quotes and stuff. And you're like, this isn't you. You are an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like, uh, you know, words have implications, so choose them wisely, cause you never know who you're gonna upset. Take your own fuckin' advice, maybe, cause like, I'm just seeing what you posted on somebody's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you, how do you fucking justify having, uh, you know, reams of fucking inspirational quotes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pow World, everybody is playing Pow World, everybody wants me to play Pow World, I don't want to play Pow World, I don't know what it is, I'm told that it's Pokemon and Lost Ark combined. Two games that I have no interest in whatsoever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they using AIR in the game? No. Oh, right, okay. No, they're not in this one. I mean, if the thing, and correct me if I'm wrong, cause maybe I haven't interpreted this correctly, but, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Companies copying systems and improving them or combining systems together to make games or whatever, that is the gaming, it's always been the gaming industry, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An old idea, you fuse it with a new idea, and it's a new game. Like the actual, like, uh, like IP side of it, like the characters and stuff like that, obviously you wouldn't want to copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most Blizzard games are just improved old games that they've taken the idea for, added some more stuff onto it, polished it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is Warhammer, but they couldn't get the IP. But even World of Warcraft is just Everquest, it's just better Everquest, they just did it better, and you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More or less a copy. Most of the people that were on the original dev team for World of Warcraft were people that played a ton of EverQuest and took all of their inspiration from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but I feel like, I feel like there's some really simple things that you probably haven't tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd still need people to have money for sure, because if, if, if all of a sudden nobody had jobs and nobody had money, like all the, the companies would, would then fall too, right? Like there would just be nobody to buy anything. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But with some of this, it sounds like, you know, like with AI art, like sure, okay, you can generate a ton of it, and you could generate a ton of it for a video game or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're talking about really gradual change here that's happened across every industry ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just that, but like, I mean, I feel like even in the 80s and stuff, if you wanted to make big money overnight, you had to have, you had to have been established and you have to have, you would have to have some money to make it happen as well. Whereas nowadays it feels like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and Jersey as well. There was a thing in the paper the other day where, uh, Asda was under a bit of scrutiny because like three quarters of all of their, uh, accounting and stuff is done through Jersey and they don't even have a store here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of their animatronic stuff is really impressive. The new animatronic stuff, they're gonna do all their stunt shows at some point with animatronics, which I guess is another...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not- Rick, you're not taking a wild fucking animal back. Mo- Baby Mo could get hurt, man.


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[Assistant] They don't like to just fuckin' stay in the water, man. They like to come up on land, do their bangin' and shit. Food, see? Boys, I told you I was gonna take care of you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they, they're like, oh, humans are fucking awesome. Right. I'm gonna hang out with them. No. They'll have some asshole with a fucking club who'll beat it over their head and kill it. There goes your pet seal. Norse fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're talking about a longer period of time than just doing an experiment out on the beach Rick, you fuck.


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[Assistant] There's a campaign to change the name of Farans to Spicy Boys. It's gathering up a good pace here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucked up all these plans. You thought you were going to be on Geraldo with your fucking toes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it was way before Sean Penn was banging her. Before or after? I don't know, I think it might have been after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was banging her after, I think. He might have been stalking her. She's banged a lot of dudes, man.


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[Assistant] Go to the fucking site, buy some shit so these guys will stop whining. Fucking sick of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you pretend this is the dial. Alright. You line it up. What is this then?


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[Assistant] No kidding man, I'm gonna fucking- I need just five minutes.


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[Assistant] Indica shit, isn't it? It's indica. We can't smoke that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? Are you referring to my mother's private area?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We changed the whole fucking border and made a sovereign room in there so that you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still a big deal. Let me see you get a fucking, you know, let me see you cordon this off and make a deal with China that this is gonna be China right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A rose on your piano, or tulips on your organ, but it means tulips on your organ.


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[Assistant] You could add a chicken breast to it, you know, as a side plate. You know how it says on the menu, add chicken to dollars.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' something in his mouth and lit it on fire, but Wrecky does that every weekend.


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[Assistant] A great big firework out of your mouth. You know the big, the big one that goes up, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Igniteable, launchable, rockable, that big, they assume that you're not gonna hold it with your mouth.


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[Assistant] If zombie dogs took over New Hampshire, they'd fuckin' have control of us in about four days.


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[Assistant] They don't need to say Chinese food cause they're from there so they just call it food. Let's go get some food!


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[Assistant] Don't know, he's a super tree, Rick. He grows pineapples, coconuts, and apples, and oranges. One seed you plant, and you get her off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No look, I think they can take the one from I said before, so watch here, I'll say it. Paper towel. Watch this. Okay, do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today's podcast is brought to you by Lickerman's Old Dirty Canadian Whiskey and the TBB Merch Store. Find it at https://trailer-park-boys.backstreetmerch.com. There, now you'll just put it in and it'll be seamless.


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[Assistant] Everywhere. Everywhere. I hope. In other words, you cost us souls.


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[Assistant] So they get pretty rowdy on the lecker there. They get rowdy. Good scotch. Good cheese. Look at it all.


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[Assistant] Okay, are we rolling? Yes, sir. Do you remember how to do this? Why?


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[Assistant] Is that all you got? I don't know what number it is


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[Assistant] Hey boys! It's fuckin' party time! Ricky? Yep? This is our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not everybody can see this, Ricky. Some people can only hear it. It's a lot of smoke, eh? It's a lot of sparklers, man. You're gonna... Ricky, you're gonna burn the fucking place down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come they can't make a fucking sparkler that burns forever these days? Is there anything else they can do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like these blowtorch cozies. Kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't say we're close. Do you do the belly work on him? I've... That's the point where he lets me do belly work on him. Did you neck with him? No, I didn't neck with him. Not attract. You shouldn't be fucking touching him because then he's gonna be more...


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[Assistant] I thought seals only had four fingers. What? I don't have fingers, man. I'm the little flappers.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you'd fit one of those on your hand anyway. What the fuck are they? Flappers? Flippers. Flippers. See those Flippers? Remember Flipper? That dolphin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, I used to, I loved them, and then I found out that they kept them in a fucking cage. And I was pissed. It was all fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just seemed like yeaah. I did, I believed it. I thought it was real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, uh, there's also rumors about you, I don't know, something to do with fluffin' on, uh, Axel's hotel floor. Fluffin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the term they use in the pornographic industry? Oh, a flaffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blowtorch puffs balloons everyone, in case you didn't know.


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[Assistant] Okay, I'm not sure what fucking kind of deals you're making here. This is... Get ready.


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[Assistant] Ricky! What the fuck are you doing? Ricky, do not fucking burn my new microphone. It's not, it's fucking bees.


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[Assistant] Shake it up. It's not- There's a fucking beekeeper right here and look what it says in the front. It's a king bee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? It's plastic. It's probably a crucial part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, oh there, that goes on like that. Look at that. Happy lays. So what's the catch? We get this stuff for free, but we have to what? We don't have to do anything. We're just talking to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what do you use this thing for then? The fuck is that? That's a- Ricky! That was the sound of almost dying.


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[Assistant] Clearly, because I got us the new microphone. What does Julian think of that? I don't really care. What do you think of that? Is that what you do? Yeah, that's what it is. It's just a little display for your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have anything to mount them onto. This got shit all over the cake. Julie, have a piece of cake and see if it still tastes good.


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[Assistant] Fuck me. Fuck, just leave it there. It's not a rope, man. Aw, my poor fucking snake. What do you expect, Ricky? The thing's not made to mount a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great podcast, Bubs. Well, if you're cherishing, Bubs, what do you want to talk about?


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[Assistant] Look at that, baby. Okay, that's great, Frankie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked, I asked Corey and he wasn't sure, but it sounded like he was thinking like speed and power. So pounds per square inch on impact. I don't know what that means, but... I would say a lion's gonna have the... Lion? What about something underwater?


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[Assistant] Generally don't just attack people to eat them. That's a myth.


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[Assistant] It was a boat eating shark or something. I think it was near Australia.


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[Assistant] Well, Cory always asks weird fucking questions late at night. And I was, usually I have an answer, but I didn't have an answer for that one. I wouldn't have guessed lion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't want us to pass out, so I kept it pretty minimal. Why ain't he giving it to me first? Well, did you like cake? You're trying to see if it's gonna be toxic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were we high on Amsterdam? Oh man. Higher than this? They should cut to a clip.


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[Assistant] Is there a glorious, glorious bird? But why? What makes them glorious?


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[Assistant] These people know what they're doing. I need a lot more booze guys.


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[Assistant] No more. It's like a, it's like a slinky neck that can turn right around.


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[Assistant] Well I do though sometimes. I'll say like, cozy cozy, I'm Julian. Then I'm like, where did that come from? I didn't think that, did I?


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[Assistant] See that time there, you're asking me something, so I'm thinking about it and then I'll say it. But sometimes I'll just blark something right out.


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[Assistant] He said I'll fucking get to the root of the, uh,


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[Assistant] Well, I think we're almost done, boys. Do you have anything else you want to talk about, Bubs? Cause you haven't been a great team leader today. I want to talk about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pokemon. Pokemon Blow. What would that be? I don't know, but it sounds exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am very aware of my surroundings, but I'm playing my game. These people are fucked. And just because I tried to catch a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a game, but it uses the real world and adds in things to it. So it makes you see things that aren't real.


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[Assistant] Are we all done, guys? Ricky, why do you keep moving that garbage can next to you?


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[Assistant] That's, see, that's fucking brilliant right there. We can do that a lot. It's pretty smart. You rent it, you have insurance. You could say it got stolen, which it didn't. Then you sell it. Then you steal it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you could sell it again, I guess. Or you could just keep it and get a free car plus money. There's all kinds of different ways you could do it. That guy is fucking smart. See, I think he's fucked. Myself. Why?


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[Assistant] There's 60 seconds in one minute. Right. Times 60 minutes. Right. 60 times 60, what's that? 120.


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[Assistant] Is she sneezing at night? She's sneezing 8,000 times in about a 12 hour day. That's fucked. Maybe she's allergic to something.


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[Assistant] So where did he shot him in the mouth? He shot himself in the fucking cheek. Where'd the bullet go?


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[Assistant] What the fuck you doing now man? Why do you have a fucking pot lid in your hand? I don't know. I don't even remember getting it. Well why don't you hand it over then? You should hold it actually, just hold it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that stuff was strong, Ricky. Maybe this thing will wake me up. Is it dangerous, Mumps?


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[Assistant] We just went through a time warp, Ricky, because I'm guessing they're gonna cut in some clips that just played a minute ago that proved me right. So I did fall.


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[Assistant] Yes sir, right in front of my shed. Right where I like to be, my favorite spot. Is that leak fixed or what? Did you do a bit of roofing? Yes, I got the fucking leak fixed. New shingles man. Your momma needs new shingles. Momma's got shingles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's talking about Grumpy Jones.


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[Assistant] He's got no teeth anymore, so he likes to, you know, chew on things. What the fuck happens to a cat's teeth? Well, they get older, their teeth fall out just like a regular person. Is he eating rocks or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was just, he was 21 years old Ricky, his teeth are bound to... But cats' teeth aren't like our teeth, because we don't, I mean cats don't, you don't see them with toothbrushes, right? No, they don't. Unless we made out of something better than ours. Well, that's a whole different topic, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's the- where's our food? I thought we were gonna have burgers and fuckin' all kinds of- There's a box of burgers in my shed, they just dropped them on. Before you got here, there was some- there was a lot more food than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a box of brand new burgers sitting in my shed that just dropped them off. No, there's not. Are you shitting me? No, go grab them, they're right there. You go grab them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my third fucking food group of the day. What's that? I already had a hamburger. This is chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just flying here, boys, we're just flying. Could be reptile. Reptile? How many reptiles have you eaten, Ricky? None, but I hear that alligators are pretty tasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you can't, well, Toronto. Is that what you would buy, Ricky, if you became rich? Sports cars and horses? And hookers? They're worth the most money. Then if you ever fucking get broke, sell them. Or you run out of ladies. That thing goes for anything, Ricky. It doesn't need to be a sports car or a horse. Sports cars are one of the worst things you can invest in. No. Fuck, that's cool. That guy's got some fucking nice stereo equipment. Boats are the worst thing to invest in, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you're using them to make a living. You know what I mean? Running drugs, you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was handed this, I didn't even, I don't know what this is. I've heard there's different ways you can do it if you, like,


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[Assistant] Pleasuring himself with an aubergine. What the fuck is an aubergine? It's a city in, uh, England, I think, isn't it? Well, Ricky, he wouldn't be pleasuring himself with a city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drunk man strips naked in the supermarket and poops on self-service checkout counter. Here we go again. Okay, no, that's not sexual, I guess. Well, it's about shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tuck poop at the, uh... So this is Naked Man again. It was a fucking theme. Well they just, they hand me these. You think I'd go on the fucking internet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that about, Ricky? I have no idea what you're talking about. You searched ass grease. Nope. I actually gave the laptop to Julian last night. See? He has it right now. Why do you have, why are you searching ass grease?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Tiger Ball. Did you read this one, Ricky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think we talked about him, didn't we? Did we? I don't know. It's a fucking brilliant guy. He fucking gets a baby pet crow. Trains it's whole fucking life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole future depends on a crow and whether you trained him well enough. I'd like to steal that crow and fucking have him from my own though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crow that could swoop down and take my drugs when the police have me? You could probably find a place that would import one for you though. From one of the crower, crower countries where it's not illegal to, to buy a crow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all over fucking North America. Croatia. Grower of crows. They don't grow crows, man. Crow ate ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, yeaah. Nice one, Ricky. Thanks, Bubs. Krowecha. Okay. Anything with not un-nude men? No. So, the guy's shit on a fucking, uh... I don't know, Ricky, I'm just not even... Why don't you talk about that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, well, it's different because liquid gas goes in the car. This is gas gas that comes out of you. Cause it doesn't, it's not liquid. But you light it and it does light on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't have things that will break it down and turn it into fucking gas like I do. My car eats fucking liquid gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It may not work on the car, but I bet it would work for a fuckin' propane barbecue. Take you a fuckin' few weeks to get enough pressure built up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Ricky, if you were able to do that, would you cook burgers on fart gas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The smell wouldn't come up, but the heat still came up, maybe. Might work. I'm gonna come up with something, you watch. Okay, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's... We need beans and broccoli and water for three weeks. Let's put a pin in that and Ricky's gonna, we'll check in in a few weeks and see how you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking killed him. Eye for a guy, that's not the saying, Ricky. Guy for a guy, is it? Eye for an eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teeth like a camel, I'll have to remember that one. Was she good looking? Yeah, she was. But she had teeth like a camel. You've never heard that before? And she had an awfully nice camel. Yeah, I've heard that. Well, maybe that's what it is. It's not a... It totally is, man. Camelhuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that mean anyway? I never understood that. She's got a nice camel. It's like a, it's like moose knuckles. Did you ever hear of that one? You mean the... It's like that, yea. The danglers? The danglers. Beef curtains.


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[Assistant] Next time one spits on me before I punch in the head, which I did last time, I'm gonna think twice about it. Little cocksucker. Go to the fucking zoo. When did you punch a camel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One looks like your mother and the other one looks like his mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A horse and a cow, man. Uh, yeaah. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A mule, okay, no, it's a mule is between a, a donkey fucks a fool? A what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A baby horse that turns into a donkey. Or a mule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, boys, I don't remember. Just tell me what it is. I've learned it before. You said a donkey's made from a horse and a cow. Right. And then that donkey fucked a baby horse and makes a mule. Yeah, you got it, Ricky. That's exactly right. Perfect. People fucking say I'm not smart. Fuck themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even fucking believe that my picture's on this and I'm not seeing one fucking cent. It's a terrible picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not Maltova, man. Okay, sorry, the Prince of Maltova what?


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[Assistant] Just tell me one more time, I'm ready. I'm gonna eat my chicken and I'm gonna listen. Alright, I'm done man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna, this seems, this is too much work right now. Boys, I gotta go feed my titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well boys, you don't just walk away, you gotta say goodbye. Okay, talk about the sponsors at least for me pups. I'm not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll deduct it from your life fees. You're looking real pretty, boys. That's a weird thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll put, just pick it up for a second. I didn't see it. No, would you please do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Trailer Prep Boys Podcast. It's coming out yet. I didn't say official this time. Sponsored by, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, why would you fucking ruin a mo- like, you didn't have to ruin it, man. Like, Mr. Invincible is a good fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're always jacking off, Ricky. What the fuck are you talking about? You're the one that looked this site up. It actually exists, man. The jerk shirt. The jerk shirt. Told ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I mean, that's a good thing to think about right now. You've got these giant pumpkins. Why can't you make giant pickles? What's the deal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have no problem. They just wanna have this expensive cat just to say, ooh, look at my expensive cat. But they're not loving it. So then people like us should steal them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you fucking kidding me? Sorry Julian. Why would you do that? I thought it would break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Did it fuck up? Not to get another shot class, but yea, you fucked it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, no, we're, we're, we are going, crack. We're going, okay. What's going on, fuckers? Podcast. Toilet Park Boys official podcast. Which number? Podcast. I don't fu- it's 27. Podcast number 27. Very excited. Very excited to have a guest in the studio today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to start shit with you, but I think you've got a bit of a man crush on him as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like playing Janka. It's like playing Janka with Ricky's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky. Ricky, look who's here. Adam Baldwin. Hey, Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy fuck man, how's it going? Hanging in bud. What the fuck are you doing here? He's gasped, we're doing the podcast right now. She's running. What the fuck happened last night? Well, you got drunk and high. Again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fell asleep on a lampshade. To excess, as they say. The fucking rum and cream soda pink ladies. You gotta watch those things, man. It's not a drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky, what are you gonna explain to people while you're taking a fucking lamp shade? They're gonna think you're a lamp terrorist or something. Well, then we need to invent a fl- inflatable one. And then you float it on the plane, and then you- look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we get on with the guest? We have a guest here. Just a second. Adam with pictures. We've got time to talk about him. To casa. They sent me this nice little menu. You can, I didn't know this, but you can take these things, fucking throw them in together, blend them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've got like, you know, lemon blast and summer tea shit. See, but how do you-


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[Assistant] Ricky, you're not stealing a man's record and selling it on eBay. I know that's what you're thinking.


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[Assistant] Ricky. Just wait. Ricky, what do you got, an old pager there? Certain businesses, they still work pretty good for. Well why don't you answer your phone? Where is my fucking phone? I don't know.


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[Assistant] Well then he's in jail. Well, we'll find out, won't we? Fucking idiot.


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[Assistant] Why didn't you tell me about this shit, man? How much are you trying to get, Rick? You're trying to make oil, aren't you? Huh?


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[Assistant] What, like a barrel? Not quite a barrel, but over a half a barrel. Of isopropyl alcohol! Ice and propyl, yea. It's not ice and propyl. It's one word, isopropyl. It's a scientific term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you call that? I'm in on it, so. Oh, we'll see. Tell me what's going on. Okay boys, look.


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[Assistant] Going to the official page here. Let's talk about something good, man. Groundhog. Oh my fuck. Groundhog shadows just happened. When was that? On Tuesday? I think so. And it's not pancake Tuesday. That's something other different, right? Like, do they have the pancakes to celebrate the hedgehog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Ricky, he comes out. If he sees his shadow, he gets freaked out. He's scared of his shadow and he's like, ah, fuck this. I'm fuckin' outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he goes back in and then it's actually kind of fucked because it's not weather related at all. He's just scared of his. But if he comes out and it's cloudy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 37% of the time. So it's horseshit. So what Ricky's saying makes sense, cause then he'd be right. 78% of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All over the place and they all somehow communicate, I believe. Alright, so we got a hedgehog here in Nova Scotia. Hedgehog out in Nova Scotia. What do you think about the hedgehog fucking scenario?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's a groundhog. I like to know who the fuck came up with. Some little cocksucker was probably-


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[Assistant] Hungover, sun's comin' up, sees this little fuckin' beaver animal come out of its hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess it's Sonia, cocksucker looks and sees a shadow against a little tree and scared shitless runs back in his hole and that's how this whole thing started maybe? Just a guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? You're onto something. If it's a good time, and that's why we're gonna celebrate it, we could make some fucking money off it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can go find a fucking groundhog. Set up like a little old sidebar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get some pulls, some ladies dancing around, spinning around like crazy. Why don't we just fucking dress Randy up like a groundhog? We could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We review it and see what we're going to make the most money at and then tell Randy either, you know, stay out or go back in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Billy Jong is in fucking Alberta, and it's sunny there, and then Hedgehog fucking Big Wang in Nova Scotia. It's cloudy. It's gonna be a different answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm in. I'm gonna take baby Mo and watch little hedge-crowned beaver hogs.


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[Assistant] Alright. I think we fucking figure that one out pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote it, but I, oh yeaah, that's what it was. This lady, I read online, this lady took a, someone took a, you know, a scan, or whatever you wanna call it, of her lady parts, you know, with a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 3D, you know the 3D printing they do now? She somehow took a scan. Printed out her vagina. Awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? But then she scaled it up and made a kayak out of it and she's riding around in the pond. What? It's true! I saw a picture of her, she's in a great big vagina boat, kayak and she's paddling along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky? So could I do the same thing and turn into a fucking submarine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just thinking like, so she has a little mirror, and she's got her part spread apart, and she's looking at it going, fuck, can make a nice little boat out of that. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, I don't know, I think she probably did it more like as an art thing, Ricky, rather than she really wanted a kayak and needed, you know, a new design.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's no more ridiculous than that. You could probably use it for a lot more things. Water tower. All kinds of shit. It's a great shape. A water tower? A vagina's not in a normal shape. Like other than a kayak, what else would you build out of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could build one of those, you know, like a pirate hat. Really, if you wanted to, you know, make it deeper and sink your head into the hole. There's a big hole in the middle is the problem with the parachute idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, that's true. That wouldn't be a very good parachute, Julian. I was just gonna say something, but no man. Not gonna do it. Why? Just say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you said there's a lot more uses for that one, so what, what would you use that for? Anything you know, submarine, missile shaped. Depends how big you want, you can make the world's biggest pen. I don't know what type of ink you'd fill it with, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this one was really good because actually you could see the tip. It was obviously circum, circum, uh, not circumvented, but circum. I know it's a circum word. Jesus freaky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you could see that whole fucking thing like perfectly. It was awesome.


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[Assistant] What is it? Trichodacophobia. I remember that from when I was a kid, but dad taught me. Trichodacophobia. Uhm. It's a big word. I would say... You're scared of something. Yup. I'll tell you that much, cause I know the phobia part.


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[Assistant] Fear of the number 13, man. See, look at that. I taught you guys something. I'm stunned.


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[Assistant] I did not know what that word meant. Is that true? I dunno. My dad told me so. It was a 50% chance.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, guess what boys, you can get 1900 to 22 bucks for a shot of fucking bull semen. See, you're saying a shot, so. One load off.


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[Assistant] Cory Layheeson. I did it. Don, it's just a name I use when I say, hey Ronnie. Ronnie Layheeson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it's got liquid nitrogen and shit in it, so it'll last a long time. How do they get it? In a hard way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wouldn't be easy to get, would it? No, it would not. They did a lot of jacking for that. About 50 grand, I wouldn't do it, but you'd pay some thousand bucks to do that, I bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Corey and Jake would do it for almost nothing. They'd do it for a piece of beer each. Have that one on Dirty Jobs, whatever that show is, that'd be funny. Well, it wouldn't be funny, it'd be kinda fucking gross actually. It's probably been on there. Dirty Jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were telling me about monkeys, that when monkeys are on movies and TV, that they have to have these people go in and relieve them between dicks. Cause they're always doing- I never told you that, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're monkey fluffers, man. They go in and jack them off. Seriously. Apparently monkeys masturbate every four minutes.


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[Assistant] Plus they go in, I mean, it costs a lot of money, I guess, to get monkeys in a scene of a movie, so you gotta jack them, chill them out, so then they don't fuck up the scene. You know a lot about this. I read about it, man. So maybe it was you that told me. Maybe you did that for a little while. I didn't touch a monkey, fucking... You did work at the zoo in the summer of that year. No, I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not work at the fucking zoo. I don't think they have any monkeys. No, they don't have monkeys here. There might be other animals that need the same service, I don't know. No, I'm not doing it. Boys, we gotta get on this fucking, uh, this bull scene though.


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[Assistant] Did he send you the shit yet or what? You stole, what's the number on the phone, Ricky? Who, what's your phone number? You stole my phone. Rick, give me the fuck, did he send you that shit yet? This doesn't do text. Well what the fuck did you tell him to send it, Ricky? You told him to send it to your fucking phone. No, I asked him if he knew how to text, he said yes.


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[Assistant] Cheers boys. The menu? The CineCherry. Pretty fucking good combo.


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[Assistant] Are you gonna welcome people, man, or no? You're just gonna sit there spinning your fuckin'... little lazy... Sarah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Turlapart Boys official podcast. This is number 31. No it's not. It's number 31. I know this for sure. It is number 31. It is number 31. Alright, brought to you by Takasa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, because of these guys here, we're doing this, okay? So be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here you go, try these out. Just start huffing on the fucking thing, man, it's delicious. Fuck's sakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All he's doing is just- Well you're being a whiny dick right now. These people are paying us to do this right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't have fuck all ready for today. Nothing. I got pretty fucked up last night. Passed out around 10, 10.30. Slept for 12 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. Are you, uh, drunk or high right now? Or both?


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[Assistant] I'm hanging out with the boys, man. You got a question or what's going on here?


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[Assistant] It was good, man. I smoked him under the table, but he kept up for a while.


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[Assistant] Well, we were pretty, it was close. It was neck and, neck and neck.


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[Assistant] That wasn't really that funny. Alright man, is that it?


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[Assistant] Would that be like one of those mossy, peat mossy type browns or one of the, uh, liquid light brown?


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[Assistant] I'm not fucking drawing the full shape and body here, am I? Just draw his head then, Ricky. Okay, I've got enough, Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got it. Alright, we're on it, man. Alright, man. Take it easy, brother. Love you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, clean shaven's foreign. Bunyan from Detroit. Should put some ears on those glasses. Put some ears on his glasses, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alrighty, you're done. Just put, put, put on Bunyan from Detroit. So we don't forget. Bunyan? His name wasn't Bunyan, was it? I wish I could rewind our life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the Monty, uh, not Monty Python, Monty Fire.


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[Assistant] Fuck! He's got the same nose as that guy anyway. You know, the long triangle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burns! Thank you. Marty Fire. I knew it had to do with flames.


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[Assistant] Well, don't even understand what that means. You want to say the smaller words and maybe the rest of us will know what the fuck you're talking about. How about that? Okay. That's your fancy fucking cock. Alright, speaking of fancy cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta talk of the son, we- Who was talking about fancy cocks? You just mentioned fancy cock. You were talking about them earlier. When was I talking about cocks? It was earlier when you were saying cocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, okay, we're gonna be shooting season 10 soon. 11 soon, right? We are? So we go to dinner with Netflix. What the fuck are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Netflix, they invited us out to dinner at this nice fancy restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have, I've looked up this thing, seven things that are considered incredibly rude to do at a dinner table. And I want you to- Let's see if-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet I can guess a couple of them. Shit yourself. Well yeah, okay, that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it on the list? It should be on the top of the list. Is it in top 7 or no? No. Soccer punch someone you just met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, number one, do you want to hear what number one is and it's fuck. It's not shit yourself? No, it should be shit yourself, but this, okay, this list isn't going to help us. I've never tried this. Burping in India is a sign of respect to the cook, so. That's true. Alright, see if this fucking works. What do you got going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit yourself, isn't it? Shit, it should be shit yourself. Okay. They're saying burping in India is a sign of respect. So it's not rude. Alright. It's, okay, you shouldn't take home leftovers. Fuck off, why not? That's what they're saying. In Italy, man, they think- Is it better to throw them out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also okay, splitting the check in France is frowned upon. They're not into that. So who the fuck pays? Well you just, somebody pays for it. You're not supposed to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, split the check out. Yeah, but how you saw who the fuck that one person is. Three of us go to dinner. It's rude if we all don't pay. None of us pay and we run on the bill. Okay, you run on the bill. See, there's an answer for everything, Julian. You shouldn't cut up all the food on your plate.


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[Assistant] You know, at once. You know what? I agree with that. People who do that are fucked in the head. Except for lobster.


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[Assistant] Don't even have to use a fucking knife. It looks, it fucking drives me nuts, I agree with that. Lobster's different though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting all the delicious meat all in one big pile and then you're like, okay, time for my reward. It's like a fucking caveman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, moving on to number six, which is bullshit. In Korea, you should only drink water after the meal. You kidding me? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you'll get shy. Where the fuck was this list made, like? It's a list, man, it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just smoke it. Just smoke it. Here. Fuck sakes. Too pissed off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, there's another one here. This is- Pissed under the table instead of going to the bathroom. That could be on the list. I could write a fucking way better list than that. Pissed on someone's shoes sitting across from you. That's rude. Especially if you're wearing fucking sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever pissed on anyone's feet? No. I did once and I regret it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a bathroom stall, these drunk people, one of them I knew, Davey from jail, and he was trying to piss under the stall on my feet. So the next time I went to the ba- and I already finished my piss, so the next time I went to the bathroom, I thought he was still in the stall, but it was somebody else, and I, I pissed all over their feet, and they were not fucking happy about it.


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[Assistant] Do you have anything else to fucking, the least bit entertaining over there? Yes, I do, okay? Good, cause I am fucking bored.


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[Assistant] I don't believe that. I think it was a guy named Nick. He was the first person to give someone a nickname. And it was a name given by Nick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody fucked Jerry up? What's it supposed to be? Jerry, I bet. Nope. Move it on to Duke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about I tell ya, you guys fucked it over, you wanna- Shhh, uh, Chi-rai. Chi-rai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm trying to get that fucking caller back. You guys are fucking me over here. I'll tell you what's fucking us over. That is no more, Bubbly. No, I'm good, Rick. Get a little more, Bubbly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, fuck, the excitement. Well, dry joke. Here's a good one, okay? Oh my fuck. 10 interesting facts about pornography that will blow more than just your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the word MILF is the most frequently fuckin' searched porn term on the internet. MILF. MILF? Yep. Well, who doesn't like MILF porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest porn company in the entire world is here in Canada. Nice. Right? That's shit going here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If my mom does have something to do with Pornhub, I need some cash. Okay? Come visit me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are somewhere around 70,000 sites dedicated to porn. In 2014 there are now 14, I mean 4.2 million in the U.S. alone. 70,000 to 4.2 million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl that I date on and off, may have had a kid with, couple kids, whatever. Lucy. She did a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little work down below and that's what you call the landing strip. I don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you think about it, I don't really either. Boys, but, so what kind of work did you have done down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, here, I'll draw you, well I'm not gonna draw you a picture cause it's- I think I got it now. You're coming in for a landing, and that's how you know where to go. You see the landing strip, and you just fucking follow that, right to home base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is a pubic hair landing strip? Right here, this is it. You can read up on it. I don't, I get it now. Just do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just make, you're gonna cut all this out though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Small boobs aren't allowed on the internet? Not allowed on the porn sites in Australia. That's ridiculous. I don't know if that's true. Nothing wrong with small boobs. That can't be true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a big difference between child pornography and hot milk with small boobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, at any second of the day there are somewhere around 30 million people watching porn. Any second of the day. We got a call! Let's ask them about fucking land and strips and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky, do you want to draw a picture of her? What's going on? No, I'm pictured out. Okay, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you'd be, you'd be fine in Australia. Did you hear that, uh, porn in Australia was a cup or less and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we done? Uh, unless you have something really fucking, a gem saved up here to talk about then, I would say we could be, uh, pretty much done here guys, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you gotta go piss, I'm gonna go mix up another drink, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you put a minus sign in there, then it's two words. That works. Shin L.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brilliant. I'm telling you boys, that's the last one. I'm done with the fucking pictures. I think it's a dumb idea. I can't draw that well in case you didn't fucking notice. I'm not doing anymore. Fuck off. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe not if it's hot though, that's where they fucked up. It should have kept it cold.


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[Assistant] I did not know that either, I would have thought New York or Paris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're just talking about that, that country, okay? Wow, this is exciting stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't call something a carrier zone unless it's being drawn by a horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same thing. It's the wrong name. Should be called a baby stroller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my new goal, I'm gonna get a penis implant and fucking go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy fucking New Year again. We already said New Year last time, but now it's really like the New Year almost. Not quite the New Year because the New Year doesn't start yet, but anyway, happy 2016 again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New Year's things can change, and they haven't. Still fuckin' same snow, it was here last fuckin' year, so when that snow melts, it's spring, that's the new year, and that's when I fuckin' start celebrate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, probably, as the population wants it to be a new year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no more special date when the fucking warmth and snow are gone and the warmth comes. It's new year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, you just base it on the snow. It's usually March, sometimes April, sometimes it's February. Remember two years ago in February, all the snow has gone as warm as fuck. New year. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you talking about the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vodka lattice is my new drink. I'm not a big fan of the green stuff, but this one here is good. I've got orange, some peach, some mangroves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just a little hint of banana and vodka. So we're drinking healthier. Oh, you know, mine's tequila. Tequila and lettuce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chop humans up if you threw them in there small enough, it's crazy. Not that you'd ever want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lequila, lettuce and tequila. So, although I don't start officially...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just working on the days of the week. On Sunday, I'm gonna do nothing. No fucking cigarettes. No vapor. No fucking drinking. Monday. It's only got to Tuesday, so for Monday, one cigarette. Two drinks. Healthy drinks like this. And, uh, a little vapor. Actually, I could have a little bit of that right now. Thank you, Jukasa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody said I fell asleep in the fridge, is that true? Yeah, you fell asleep in many places, man. We couldn't even fucking wake you up at one point. But New Year's Day was a whole different fucking, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember bubbles giving you mouth to mouth to try to fucking get you going again? No, I have memory loss for two fucking days. That was a bad one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I try to keep the drinks down, just two healthy drinks on Monday and Tuesday, nothing on Sundays, that's a pretty good regulation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All sugar. No. Liquor. All sugar. Real fucking oranges. Real what? Mangroves. Yep. And, uh, real fucking peach. There's a half a peach in that fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what were we talking about? Drywall. Barry. Barry. Fuck. Boys, I gotta go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you wanna talk about? Besides, what are you guys gonna have for regu- New Year's regulations?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this gonna, is this gonna be really hard on my brain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baby gets born. Say it like, you know, 1158. Okay. Then New Year's happens. Where was she though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it doesn't matter, wherever she was, it's still that time. Yes, it's right at there. You know, here it might have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not though. Same mother, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they wouldn't really be twins, would they? Yes, they would. Because one's a year older than the other, technically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Holy fuck. No, it's only two minutes older than the other one. Why do you do- why do you get into this shit with it? No, officially it's two minutes, but no. They're not fucking twins. One's 2015, one's 2016. They're a fucking year apart. They're not twins. Twins you have to be born on the same fucking day, same fucking year. That's the definition of twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, biology or anything. Alright, well they also have twin twins and the other twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Ricky, no. Here's another scenario. They have the same twins or the ones that are different twins? What the fuck is it called? Jesus. Paternal. One could even be a boy and a girl. Paternal twins. Paternal. Okay, were they paternal or were they the same? They were identical, I believe. Identical twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When kids go to school, they base it on the fucking year. So you're telling me those two fucking kids two minutes prior are gonna go to- one's gonna be in grade one, one's gonna be in primary. Cause that's what would fucking happen. That's fuck, boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And different places. However they would be then, they would be fucking twins, cause she would have went into the time zone, which was an hour behind, so they would have at least been born on the same fucking day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've heard of that. Lamb socks, wasn't there, lamb? Intestines, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it you killed? A pig or an animal, man. Really go out there and kill my fucking pet pig, got him, and make a fucking dome out of his intestines? That's fucked. I would never have thought of that. I would have come up with something way easier. Like what? You're way back, there's like nothing, they can't make anything back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you, the girl wouldn't mind you banging her with a dirty old mud dick. Is that what you're saying? Well. That's fucked Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There must be a point before it gets completely hard where it's still gonna keep everything inside of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll come up with a few things and I'll get back to you on that. What else do you want to talk about in this thing? Anything? Besides intestine cocks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they're still, they're not gonna take them home with them. Ice men and ice women? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there enough of them that you could actually get to the top if you follow them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but when you're young and, you know, you're trying to... Young? You still play it, man. No, I know, but when you're young, that's what it's for. It's for kids trying to get the bang going, getting it all fucked up positions, then you get a boner and you want to stick in things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, the fact that people didn't think Twister was... for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were talking about the condoms, you could have just taken a Gore-Tex jacket, ripped off a fucking part of the sleeve, wrapped that around your wiener instead of gutting your pet pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, I don't know, I would definitely have figured something out better than killing my fucking pet pig and ripping out his guts. That guy was a pussy fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a haul off it, play the flute thing. I'm not doing any more of this shit. I'll tell you if you fucking start playing that thing like a flute. Here I got a flute you can play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're drunk in your high, listening to less dance. You're moving a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gr- you know, grinding on me and stuff. I will dance if some music's on. Can you show us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't- Well, maybe, yeaah, sometimes I do, but- Getting back to dance and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Money's coming in, but it's going into an account that we can't really get into at the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not getting paid. The company that's doing this shit is getting paid. We get to pay after they get paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get this, but this is for work. This is an expense. This cost them nothing. Okay? These cost nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, his name, you know what, his name wasn't Ben, his name was Bozo. Bozo the fucking bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the nickname of Oscar has unknown origins. They don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not from the fucking meat camp. They said this chick that worked there said, hey, that looks just like my uncle Oscar. So they were like, oh fuck, what a great name. Oscar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blown away. Well, Snoop Dogg, he did say best movie ever should win an Oscar, and you know what, after watching it, I think it should've.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, it's a good thing that Lee's been fucking with us our entire lives because he's been trying to frame us for shit for years and we know what to expect. I mean, this poor fucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they didn't put it in. Concussion, Will Smith, that's another one they started, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there. Yes? You would banger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alicia Vicander or Kate Winslet. Who's taking it? Jennifer Jason Lee? The fucking one from Tarantino. Rachel Adams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause it's getting coded. It's getting just coded with fecal matter, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, well I was just reading the story box about these people that named the new boat, Boaty McBoatface, so I was trying to- Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Showing off, that's what that is. I'm not showing off! Yeah, you're meeting one of your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just some silly things, but an octopus did escape. Inky! An aquarium. Inky, I heard about Inky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to do that too. Electronautics is usually depressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, but they sat there as they caught them two days later and returned them to the aquarium. No, they didn't. No, no, no, I'm just joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really want to test it, but I think some people, they do grow back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it doesn't, Ricky. There hasn't been a fucking case in history where somebody lopped off a limb and it grew back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet if you eat a starfish or something like that though, you might be able to grow some shit back. I don't know how that works, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you keep, yea, if you get in a fight and, you know, your knuckles, you keep fighting or whatever, yea, they won't close over. You mean like that or? Yup. That's what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? It's not a cube. Cap. Mount. At least a mountain. Whatever the fuck it is. And then they show these other pictures where it's smaller and smaller. Now some people say that could have been photoshopped. But, I don't know. It could be real. And if it is real, we're fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The views are just beautiful. Oh, I could just sit out and see the things taken on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same as Hawaii. Hawaii was one big mountain that fell into pieces. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I know, I can see that. I'd fucking love to be in the maps. Maps are cool. They are really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I could see how people would fuck them up, because it would be hard to take something that big and draw it right. Right. You know. So, probably there's a ton of fuck ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geez, uh, stegosaurus. I don't know, that's a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not if you had stegosaurus piercing bullets. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start with Oda, for fuck's sakes. Oh well that just kinda did start with Oda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, we're doing the podcast, Ricky. Light up a joint and get into this. Wake up. You're fucking joking, right? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so fucked up. Okay, you know what? Smoke that thing and get into the game here, okay? We're getting paid for this shit. Remember? You don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what do you mean? You're... We're three hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm the, we're both, all three of us are the hosts of the show, Buffs. Mostly me. No, you're definitely not. You're the number three host.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. His entire life. You do? You did? No, I'm talking about Caitlin here. But you said I've always felt like I'm a woman. I think you said I. No, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bird is for both. Okay, I don't usually call it that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's turn this off and go do all of it. Well we gotta do a proper sign off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's been, someone's had some things done to them in here a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good gig, man. It's a great gig. Yea, I do shows and go home at night. No traveling. We should try to get hooked up in a place like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What smells like fish do you hear? Back to the male strip club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As yourself? Yeah, I went into the Halloween costume just as myself and they were like, that's a pretty good Carrot Top. I got third place. Who won? Somebody didn't look anything like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are there bigger ones than me? Elton John's here and Rod Stewart and Celine Dion. Elton John plays Shaw here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's still at hash? We have weed, we have honey oil. We have gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On April 2nd of 1877, Rosa, or Zazzle as she was publicly known, became the world's first ever human cannonball. The stunt involved a rubber spring-loaded cannon, which, when lit with a fuse, rocketed Zazzle over an audience to hopefully land in a safety net.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I say hopefully because AIM wasn't exactly the canon's strong suit. Spectacle? Yes. Precision? Not so much. And the audience knew this too, making the suspense all the more delightful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But lucky for Zazzle, when the shot rang out and she soared over the crowd, she somehow landed miraculously on the other side. Safe and sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with that, the London teenager became an instant celebrity. She had literally cannonball to fame. And suddenly this kid was touring the world, performing her human cannonball stunt up to twice a day for sold out crowds as large as 10,000 people. Think the eras tour, but with more potential for death.