[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And try to be the best of the best I can be, whatever God makes me to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about time I'm 35 years old. I need to do something good with my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't want to commit. Yeaah. It's, it'd be a big decision for sure. Right. So it's like, there's tons of thinking. Yeaah. I feel, I feel like I would regret it. No matter what, no matter how cool I thought it was at the time. Exactly. 100%. At some point you'll regret it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, okay? I don't like children in that way. This isn't a fucking Serbian film, or Herbert the pervert, or Michael Jackson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen up, people! This is how you do a push-up! One! Two! Three!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, please. What are you doing? More. I just like him. I'm setting something up. What are you doing? Alright. Come on. I enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're kneeling. In obedience to my words. Oh jeez. It's so sexy. It shivers through your lungs. This is bad, this is- It shivers pleasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. Try it out. I would try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop trowin'. Drop trowin'. Drop trowin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop trowin'. Yeah, that's urban living. Drop trowin'. Drop trowin'. Drop trowin'. Drop trowin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, the word that they have for that, uh, is just like almond eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, like, when I went to college, one of my friends took a Farsi class, uh, because we all knew that that's what they called them. And so, when they went over, like, what you call the different races, they said the word for almond eyes. And my friend was like, isn't that, like, derogatory though? And someone corrected, like, that's the only word we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean like, if I'm any weight that I wanna be, I feel like I'm already gonna gain some inches on my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Yeah, so I feel like it's kind of like, you know, what I lose, I've already gained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm already under six feet. I feel like I can't, I can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm like 5'10", so what, I'm gonna be some 5'5 loser?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's be fair, should we be calling it a podcast? It's a YouTube show. Yes, right. It's a full on, all this stuff you have here is going to be deployed. Yes. For that, let's call it a pod for the moment. Sure, sure. A show. It's a show. It's a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've been to radio a long time and sort of nothing surprises me. However, that moment stayed with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is joyous! And it was, that, that likes a layer of discomfort on me that I almost couldn't tolerate. So that's where the discomfort really goes over the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yet I came back, I've maintained friendships, and not only that, I'm gonna be a part of this ship. This pirate ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just thought about how it is my voice in this world. Is that what you said, Tom? In this world? In this world. In this world, yeaah. And it is, it is an alternative universe over here. Ryan, aka SickleCellsSickle everybody. Thank you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do gotta say, I appreciate all the comments. You know, we all make mistakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was Mr. Cool. But having this on my face has been a destruction to my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mentally, emotionally, I can't have a decent life with this on my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drugs and alcohol kinda took me out there far beyond space can reach. And I'm trying to turn my life around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And try to be the best of the best I can be. Whatever God makes me to be. I'm his vessel. It's about time I'm 35 years old. I need to do something good with my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's, he's in, he's in her. You think so? He's inside? So it's not just a hug? That's not a hug. That's not a hug. That's a high, hard one. That's a high, hard one if I've ever seen it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the first time that we watched it, I went home and I felt bad because I didn't get one of the pieces that he said. He said something like, you niggas don't want no rep. And I didn't hear exactly what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just felt like I lost a piece of it listening to the clip and not being able to understand. So I had to hear it again, but now I feel like you're not gonna hear it either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, before the last line, he says, you niggas don't want no rep or something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I- I- I want to hear want, but I don't know if he says want. To be clear-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My assumption, the way I heard it without thinking about it the first time was, you don't want no rep, meaning like, you don't want a real blood, you know, that blood coming to your house and showing you I'm a real blood. That's what I heard first, but then I'm like, oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An oop oop oop. Take your oovers. Disco girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out. I'm out. There you go. I'm out. You gotta have some new slang. I just say I'm out. I'm out. It's either I'm about or I'm out. That's all you need to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I made it up, but uh. You made it up? Cool. I-I-I did. I thought I did. I thought I just did it just now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and we did when they returned, they approached me to do, uh, some Instagram posts, some Facebook posts. It was a nice way to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, yeah, hot, hot farts for a living. And then when I heard hi, hi, ho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies, I wanna do a video about guys and their cum. Guys are always wanting us to love their cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To just love licking it and having it on our bodies and swallowing it. That same guy will never even touch his own cum or taste his own cum. I've seen this happen so many times with guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have it on, like I'm rubbing it in and I swallow and I do all the stuff with it, but that same guy, if his head accidentally brushes against his come on my body, he's like, Oh, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean- So here's the thing. It's a good point. I think we should go on strike against cum. A cum strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I from now on I am only going to swallow the cum of a man or put on my body the cum of a man who is willing to touch it or kiss me afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I am touring as well. Uh, we're doing September 5th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The back room at the, collectively saying that. Milwaukee, just say Milwaukee. September 6th, Chicago. September 7th, Boston. And then October 3rd through 5th, Nashville. October 17th, I've added Irvine. That's sperm vine, California. November 22nd, Seattle. And then November 23rd, Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or again, so check me out, Christina P online. Also, I'm so happy to, um, announce my brand new podcast called where my mom's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, cut through all the BS that's out there. It's on the Christina P YouTube channel. You can watch there. Episodes drop every Monday. If you subscribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's the best way to do it on iTunes, Monday morning, and the video is out on Mondays at noon on YouTube. We've had Alyssa Milano on, Dr. Drew will be on, Leanne Kreischer, and I like to take emails and voicemails and stuff from people, if you know a mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tag her, tell her, you got, listen, I know a lot of dudes listen to the show, tell your lady to come listen to where my mom's at. So, there you go. Alright. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, your cousin, it's Jeanette, and she's been on your mom's house many, many years ago. And for those of you who don't know cousin Jeanette, she can rip burps like 500 pound trucker. So she is no lady. So don't think that she can't handle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She talks about, I'll just give you a little teaser, about, um, uh, used dirty sex toys, that she lets lay around in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You brought it up bro. You know you've been extra nasty lately though around the house. You've been farting a lot more in your boxer shorts at night when we're laying in bed. You walk to the bathroom and you play the butt flute and you pull your butt cheeks apart and you make the sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you what I've been doing for you, though. As a beautiful wife, mother of two children, I'm trying to maintain for you. So am I. I buy nice, pretty pajamas, so I don't look like a dumpy wife. And here I am in my nice, silky jammies, and then you get up to go pee, and then you're... your butt. You think you can show some respect?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, professionally, just on the job, but at home I'm very clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so I was at the Nordstrom. You know? Yes. And I uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The comedy store co- for some reason, I always choose to eat garlic and vegetables right before a set at the comedy store and then I have like ripping hot farts and I'll be like in the green room alone and I'll like let a hot one fly and then like Neil Brennan will come in and I'm like, oh fuck man. Yeah, he'll call you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me, allow me to point out, Yana, that I get a lot of S for my TikTok selections. This guy doesn't seem far off from a TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think the other guy can understand what he's saying? The guy in the purple sweater, does he know what that guy's saying? He does! He actually- He does?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did not take good care of his teeth. I tell our toddler that all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the pints, all day, all day, all pints.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are times I can, this is really bad. This guy is on another planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 71 and I'm gone. He lives a hard 71.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't do it anymore, I'm done. Well, that's the last one. I'm done. Thank god, cause I'm exhausted. I keep thinking, do you ever, uhm, when you see people like him, you just think, thank god I'm not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like my clips up- uplift the show and then- Oh here, this is uplifted. You can be- you can be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much change do you think it's worth to stick around? Like how much could she possibly be waiting for that's worth this confrontation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I was thinking the other day is how bananas, like, people have always acted like this in public, until now, we just didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting is we were talking about that, how that's really been our talent, is finding the outer reaches, the corners, the dark recesses. The best of the best. Yea, the best of the best. And showcasing. For everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how horrible and hard that job is to work at Burger King and you know what I mean? Deal with the public and then you're smelling nasty food all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's tough. That is tough. I was listening to our episode with Johnny Pemberton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just laughing at that Tony guy. Yeah. You know, I was sitting in my car, just peeing my pants. Ha ha ha. We up out of here. We up out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there are girls out there that have sex with dumb guys, like how the, you know, the opposite's really apparent in the world. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most guys will bang any girl as long as she's hot, but the opposite, yeaah. I mean, I've known real hardcore skanks that'll bang the dumbest of the dumb. Now personally, I can't do it. You know, I need some kind of intellect on the guy. How good looking he is, it's such a turn off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've never, I've never really been that girl. But even just to like make, like to kiss or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't mind? No, your first, uh, your first love was a Dalmatian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but your priority is just to shove in at that age. Yeah. So you don't care about the other stuff. At what age do you start to care about what comes out of their head versus...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like one mouth push. Yeah. One mouth kisses and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she wouldn't know to like, ask you a question. She didn't ask you anything about yourself. Nothing. That's tragic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did she seem nervous? A little nervous. Maybe she's just super nervous. You're a total stranger. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that sad? I guess some people are just, you know, not good conversationalists. That's true. You know what I found in the world is that there's two types of people. There's things people, and then there's ideas people. And I can talk to both, but I prefer to talk to ideas people, you know? Yea. Like, the broader concepts, and then there are people that are just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought, I bought this new couch and the couch is blue and it's got this thing on it and then tomorrow I'm gonna go, uh, work out and then after we're gonna pick up the dogs and we're gonna get them washed and then we're gonna go look at real and you're like, I don't wanna talk about your fucking, it's so boring to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know. You don't say much. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, be a person. Just have interests. I feel like there's no greater crime than to be boring with other people. You should at least be interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love her. You know that there's a search for her to find her because she works at McDonald's, the greatest restaurant of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you serious? Because here's the deal, I watch all of her TikToks, not just those famous ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I really like her. I really like her. She's about thinner fifties and I feel like TikTok has revitalized her life and given her a little something special in her day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You felt joy. You felt joy. Look at your heart. I know it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Tom, on a scale of one to ten, how much do you like this TikTok? Ten being the highest. Uh, I know you like it. Don't pretend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm giving a platform for marginalized performers. I'm providing a service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? They don't have outlets to mainstream media and I'm giving them...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you like to keep up? Keep up on his life. I like to know what he's doing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to just be mustard and now she goes to relish. She's the cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're yellow bunny ears. Yeah. I like her too. I like her work. Yeah, I like her too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's three things I like about this. Number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. But those Tangers, man, there's a lot of people on TikTok that don't wear bras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he starts by, he takes a crack and he blows it and then he does analingus on the guy. I think he's eating his ass. I'm saying the primary goal here was to eat that man's butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to talk to Dr. Drew about that. That is a number one priority.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two wild- no, there's three wild videos that stick out in my head. Uhm, homeless guy gets raped by gay ghost. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it should feel nice. But then you also said that arm stubble is unpleasant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would say go to the elbow, cause Tom's very hairy too, and like most hairy guys though, it kinda tapers, right? Where you have the fullness, the upper bicep is kind of unheard of. So if you did just the arm up until the elbow and then you can have forearm hair, that's kinda normal for dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it's not as bad as I thought. You've like, the, like it's, it's definitely wolfy. Like you, on the right side, it's definitely wolfy. But it's not bad. It's actually not bad. Right, compared to the shoulders. The shoulders are abnormally hairy. And then the back's like an average amount. It needs to be kept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I've had the opposite experience. I've shaved my whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not bad. It's actually not. You have what's like, I would consider a middle-aged man's hair level. It's totally normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm so afraid of it. I'm too afraid to put my tongue on anybody's b-hole. Honestly, like, it's, there's poo-poo comes out of there, and Tom's poo-poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear Tom's Browns. For the last 15 years I've heard what it sounds like when it comes out and it sounds so scary and violent. I'm just afraid of what comes out of there. And the farts all the time, the farts and the sharts and the ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I remember when the seatbelt law passed here in California in the late 80s and it was like, oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, reminder, look in the backseat, there's somebody there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the car beeps when you're backing up to let you know if somebody's coming. So now, a few times, I'll ride in a car that doesn't have it, and then you fricking, you're like, it'll beep, it'll tell me. I won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I don't agree with though? Unless it's probably not gonna sound... right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like, I'm talking about back in the day and like not wearing a suit and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's super lame when I see children wearing bicycle helmets and full fucking regalia, like the padding and stuff to ride a bicycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, am I just being like too Gen X here, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget who won. But anyways, uhm, so it's like the first week. So we're all there. No one's been voted off yet. It's the beginning. People are sniffing each other out. Boys and girls, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never forget one of the girls had violent diarrhea. It was in Jamaica and we were on the bus going to like a challenge or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was so, I was so embarrassed for her. She's the same thing. Pull over, pull over. The bus stops on the side of the road in Jamaica. She gets out and like, diarrhea is behind the rock. And I mean, we're like in our twenties. And that's the, you know what I mean? We're all trying to get laid and have fun or whatever. And like, that's the diarrhea girl for like the whole trip too. You're like, oh, it's so mortifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was pretty crunchy, she didn't shave her armpits. Like, she was pretty crunchy anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, now I see it from that guy's perspective of, he's in his forties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He may not find another woman like her again if she's all these other things


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is licking your own menstrual blood off of somebody's penis that bad? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if that's her one kink, that's the thing that just revs her up is to lick her own menstrual blood off your peener. Once a month you can't accommodate that. You don't have to do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever worry? Do you ever worry? It keeps you up at night. Oh, I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so they're short videos and people can usually lip sync music, like songs or parts from movies that they want to remake. A lot of lip syncing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the origin of dances, and that's kinda why I got on there, cause I was like, oh, I wanna know what's cool, cause I'm housebound most of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm just excited to give marginalized talent a place to showcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a talent though. Not everybody can do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this looks crazy. There's a lot of those on TikTok, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it! Cause I can tell when guests are very nervous on other people's shows when they do that a lot and you're like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so disgusting. Don't you dare fucking play that again. I was so mad. I hate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or what about when you have to shit and then you're in the car, but then when you get closer to your house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I know, you know, why can't you hold in a fart? Sorry, wrong question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But have you ever thought about why you can't hold in a fart as you're peeing? Why is that Ryan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now have you ever had it where you pee, you take a brown, and then as you're browning, you've made more pee, and then you pee again? Do you know what I'm talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well not just that, one of the most scandalous videos we've ever played. He cost us 2.3 million dollars. We lost our McDonald's sponsorship because of Terry. Watch. And then we regot it later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sidebar, that McDonald's commercial I did, has 5 million views now. What? Yeaah. The one, the one we talk about, like, being a mom, Mr. Buffalo McClure, it's banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they did. I mean, they realized that, you know, Uncle Terry and them...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. Whew, this is heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How cool is Bob Odenkirk to meet with you? If someone sends a fucking letter to our house, and it's happened, my first thing to Tom, I call him and I go, we're fucking moving next week. Some psycho sent us a letter, they know where the kids are, you know what I mean? It's such a violation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's he gonna blow it? He's getting ready, right? He's gonna do it on his shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uff, poor girl, that's a rough day at work. Oh, don't hug her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Sarah, my friend Sarah Burns was at that show that's at the end of his last show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'll tell you what though, I've found that this generation of people because of social media, they don't really have a sense of shame in hiding stuff. Okay. The way that previous generations have had, I feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like there just isn't that sense of like, oh I've done something horrible. You know? Cause everyone has. Everyone has. Everyone's got a digital footprint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I've done acid, uh, too much. Yeah. Well, when I was goth and I, uh- You were goth? Oh, so long, seven years. From like 13 to 20, unfortunately. And I ripped out my retainers and threw them across, uh, Irvine Meadows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not yet, I have a few more orders to take care of, and if you wanna get in, you have a few days to get involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to take a hiatus. I'm just exhausted, you know, I've lost my passion for the game. And yesterday being Labor Day, it was a great day to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I run a comb through it, uh, I tease it with my fingers, uh, I pretend a little bitch's dick gets lost in it, like it's the woods and their little girl. All kinds of stuff, you know, whatever you want, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, two vomits and two for me, but piss is pretty close to vomit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gone. But your shower is shooting water down, then your piss gets mixed with that water, you don't know what's what, and it's just on your feet, you're just standing in your piss. Just piss right in the drain. You have to piss directly into it. Yeaah. Yeaah. And not let the water deflect it in any way. Or do, or piss in your own mouth, and then spit it out and just rinse it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, to answer your question, jizz, I don't, you know, if it's someone else's, I guess it depends on who's, uh, because I, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now you're in the real world. Okay, so, in that case, I'm not a celebrity sex worker then, I'm just your run of the mill. Well no, no, you're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's fair to me. I said five grand. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so you gotta match it. Alright. I'm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't want to take advantage of the, of the fans. Uh, $100 is where it's at right now, and people are still buying it. Uhm, which is to be expected. Bananas. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they don't have nearly as many. I just spoke with my Cameo team and they gave me reviews. And then the reviews, this is what Cameo wrote me. They go, great reviews this weekend, uh, and they loaded the reviews and one of them said like, Sue Wu, your shoulder hair is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Uh, Josh, where are you gonna be coming up? Tell us here. I'm gonna be on Thursday. I'm gonna be in Seattle at Chop Suey. On Friday, I'm gonna be in Tacoma at Alma Mater. And on Sunday, I'm gonna be in Portland at Mississippi Studios. And you can buy all those tickets on my Twitter at Jay underscore Potter or on Instagram, Josh underscore Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] Oh man, autotune. Josh Dell. Thanks so much for making that. And, uh, that's going to be up on the highlights page, that whole video with, uh, uh, full credits. And it also have the, um, a link to, I believe Josh's sound cloud.


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[Assistant] I'm very excited. I'm very excited. Uh, what else?


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[Assistant] I know I got, uh, let's see. Oh yea, I got a nice treat for everybody. The new Subwoo shirts are out.


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[Assistant] And you can decide which you want to wear. Let's see which one says you don't want no rec is one. And you have you don't, uh,


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[Assistant] You don't work no rec is the other one. So they're both there. They're on pre-sale right now. Go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura and show your affiliation, uh, to the blood gang. All right now.


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[Assistant] I made a reference to it at a show last week, uhm, on tour too, and they, I said it, and then the whole, the whole crowd, like it was crazy, yeaah, so. I think they're gonna do well at the live shows.


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[Assistant] So anyways, we're very excited. Uh, I got a lot of exciting stuff today. Um, Jane, we have a movie star coming in today.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Manscaped, who is number one in Men's Below the Belt Grooming.


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[Assistant] Offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. Manscape has partnered with the Testicular Cancer Society to raise awareness for the most common form of cancer in men 15 to 35. One guy every hour every day is diagnosed with testicular cancer. We've known a number of guys like that. It's very common. Manscape wanted to use


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[Assistant] This read to remind all of the men listening to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Sue Wu. While you're down there cleaning up your sack, why not go ahead and give them a little investigation for lumps, changes in size or pain.


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[Assistant] I think we all agree it's pretty fun to play with your balls anyway. I know my hands are down there.


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[Assistant] I don't know, half the day I'm, I'm toying with and tugging, playing with, scratching, teasing even the back of my ball bag where it touches, uhm, the, the top near where it connects.


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[Assistant] And sometimes I'm back there just playing around, just getting some blood going, feeling the nerve endings, uh, basically giving myself a sort of subtle prostate massage too.


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[Assistant] When you touch my face. Then I, uh, I get to give you a little taste. Uh, sort of scrum adjacent, if you will.


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[Assistant] So, Manscape recommends you check yourself once a month. If you do feel any lumps or swelling, obviously give your doctor a call. In addition to checking yourself regularly, you want to make sure your sack is looking fresh and clean. With the Manscape Perfect Package 2.0, inside the perfect package you'll find the electric trimmer.


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[Assistant] Called the Lawn Mower 2.0. Uh, this is waterproof, has skin safe technology, which will keep you from nicking your sack.


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[Assistant] Uhm, which is really a problem with the, you don't know this, but with the tremors of the past.


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[Assistant] You cut your ball bag wide open. Everyone on the staff here, I think has a manscape, right? Does everybody have one now? Yep. Yeah. Does any have one? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Would you like one? Okay, I'll get you one. Keep all your jewels nice and clean and trim. I know Chris has one. Does Josh? He really needs one. Does Josh have one?


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[Assistant] Uh, perfect package also includes anti-chafing performance, uh, boxer briefs to keep your package cool and smelling fresh all day. Join the Manscaped movement. Start taking care of your balls. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code MOM at manscaped.com. Always use the right tools for the job. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code MOM.


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[Assistant] at Manscaped.com that's 20% off with free shipping at Manscaped.com using our code word MOM.


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[Assistant] Thank you, Manscape. I thought we could get away with doing a, uh,


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[Assistant] Testicular awareness, uh, ad that we post that just has guys balls kind of swinging and music going and then it's just, it's like a reminder to check your ball. Why is that not okay to do?


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[Assistant] Are you ready to get into this show? I am. Let's do it, man. Let's do it. Here we go. Here we go.


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[Assistant] If that sounds familiar, uhm, to you guys at all, it might be because...


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[Assistant] Well, she continues, let's get into it more. So here's how she, uh, what she says next.


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[Assistant] But if it was negative, how would you use it in a negative way? Just so people get, you know, the correct, uh, lesson here.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't recommend. There you go. Oh. Those are better, way better examples.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Well if she was in class, that'd be my hands down favorite teacher of all time. I actually, I love her. I love her too. She's great.


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[Assistant] I am basically trying to do the equivalent of this.


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[Assistant] In Spanish right now, because I just recorded a Spanish podcast. Yeaah. It hasn't come out yet, we're gonna release it in a couple weeks. The whole point is to catch up on current slang and phrases and curses and everything. So yeaah, it's the same idea. I'm doing a podcast to actually do that in another language.


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[Assistant] She's great. Man, I would just keep finding her stuff, please. She's my favorite.


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[Assistant] Yes, I want to also remind people that we're deep into Sober October and I've been uploading videos like little recaps of the classes I've been doing on my personal YouTube channel.


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[Assistant] So if you go into YouTube and you type in my name, uh, I believe, I don't know if my channel is youtube.com slash TomSegura. Do you know if it is?


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[Assistant] Uhm, but either way, if you go to my personal page, you'll see, uhm, you're searching it right now.


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[Assistant] Does it come up? Yeah, it does. Yeah. And another one that I did will be uploaded.


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[Assistant] Today, so by the time this episode comes out, it'll be there and we're going to keep putting them up. Uh, this last week I went fly, I flew a plane. I went to the Porsche driving experience. I went with the chief instructor. We got to drive on the track. I did a powerlifting class. I did a boxing class. We're doing all kinds of classes and I've been documenting it really fun.


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[Assistant] A lot of calories burned. And then, uh, what else? Oh, don't forget, here on our YouTube channel,


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[Assistant] Uhm, your mom's house podcast, YouTube channel, every week there's a bunch of stuff going up.


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[Assistant] There's the Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. There's Dr. Drew After Dark. Uhm, there is So Over October with Leanne Kreischer and Christina P. Uhm, you can watch it here or you can listen to it on the Where My Mom's At feed, right?


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[Assistant] I saw a clip of you talking about why I got one last week.


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[Assistant] And then we're gonna do, we'll go back to our twice a month in November. Sorry, we just are...


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[Assistant] But, uh, that's that. It's exciting. Yeah, thank you guys for watching and listening and downloading and listening to all the shows. Um, Jean, earlier today we were driving to drop off our boy and we drove by the sweetest billboard sign. You said you've seen it for years.


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[Assistant] And, uh, she's put together. She's got a tight little body, she's blonde, she's wearing short short little daisy duke shorts, and then she's got, uh, barely a top on, like it just kinda covers her nipples, like you can see that she's got nice big healthy tits. And then she's got work boots on, cause she works in construction.


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[Assistant] Well, they said, uhm, it's been the same girl. It's been the same girl. Yeah, I think maybe they, I just saw one of the things you hit, uhm, said new girl on it. So maybe they finally updated it, you know, if, if she's been modeling for them for 20 years. Uhm, because if you look at, uh, the, no, the other one to the left.


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[Assistant] That, you scroll, it said new girl, yeaah, so maybe they're, maybe they, they changed girls, but I guess for the duration of it, the article, there was an article about,


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[Assistant] How the inescapable billboard, how it's been all over the city, how it's been the same girl, and uh, yeaah, it's just like a hot, but you know, it was funny, I started reading the article and the people were like, uh, you know, it immediately increased traffic to the stores and like, yeaah.


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[Assistant] It's just, here's the thing, it starts to make you think.


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[Assistant] Obviously there's the thing where like somebody looks at it and they see like a hot, you know, half-naked girl. But you're like, would it work for selling work boots? And the answer is yes. Right. Uhm, not just because obviously, I mean, some people, yes, are dumb enough to go like, so she worked there? And like, I was, for the longest time as a teenager, I'm like, wait, that chick's a girl.


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[Assistant] But I'm saying like, then there's the subconscious part where, where the person who actually needs work boots, when they go like, oh I actually need to buy work boots today, where are they gonna go? Their first thoughts are gonna be like, work boot warehouse. Like, cause it sticks in your mind. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] So it is effective in not just the moment of like the person looks at the sign or maybe remembers the name, but when they're actually going to spend their money, then they go like, Oh, I'll do it at the place that I remember the place with the half naked girl. And then there's another layer of your subconscious that will go like, maybe the girl.


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[Assistant] And then you probably have that positive image when you look down at your boots in the morning. Right. You put on your boots, you know, it's going to be a good day.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm gonna have that big titted girl who wears barely clothes at the work sites.


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[Assistant] There's aspirational is a big thing. So like nice things, right? Like a lot of times you see a commercial for a car. I'll notice that it'll be be a nice car, but the car will go in like beautiful terrain down a whiny road up to what a beautiful home. And then like the children come out and they're smiling.


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[Assistant] And it's a, you know, the wife comes out and the guy gets out of the car. He's like, I'm home. But you're seeing like, it's essentially like a movie.


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[Assistant] Sex is the number one though. Sex is number one. And it kind of does make you think why aren't more businesses doing what work boot warehouse does. I agree. Using half naked girls to what? To let you know that you have a doctor practice. Right.


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[Assistant] Are you in an accident? They should have a girl, big kids out, and be like, call me and I'll get you a settlement.


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[Assistant] With just girls in bikinis. That's it. Just hot girls. And then we'll just put our podcast name. And then people were like, is this the show? No.


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[Assistant] Maybe we start at something more reasonable?


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[Assistant] And then you know what we should do? We should, uhm, give them lollipops. So they're like...


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[Assistant] We could throw a wrench in it and do like a little bit of, a little bit of that, of like what we're supposed to do, which is have the hot girl in the bikini, but then, you know, curve ball, we have her just uhm,


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[Assistant] Or you lean really hard into it and you go, hot girl.


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[Assistant] But also a burger. Right. We like burgers too. Burgers, guns, bikinis. I'm trying to think of anything else. Oh, America? Oh yea, I'm just trying to think of anything else. Beer? Yea, beer. Uhm. Walmart.


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[Assistant] No, let's, let's, why don't we make it? Oh, you wanna do it yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should make it. Sure, sure.


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[Assistant] I want four or five girls, every group represented.


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[Assistant] That's all, that's actually also, it's like all that we are, we're so developed now in terms of the human mind, you know,


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[Assistant] In, in the historical perspective, like, but if you go back before we're, you know, when we're less educated, your brain is just like, need to fuck. Yeaah. So, that's it now. Now you have a more developed brain that has to go, has to be tricked into doing like what it's supposed to do.


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[Assistant] Kidnapped? She got tooken. She got kidnapped.


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[Assistant] And she's like, now we need all the Bloods and Crypts to unite? To defeat the kidnappers? Are the kidnappers like Chechnyan or something? Why? Why would they?


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[Assistant] I believe so, I think that's the actual definition of Gang of Thieves.


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[Assistant] This video is so deep man. There's so many layers to it.


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[Assistant] There's the call for all gangs to unite. There's the need, the call for weapons, guns, and knives. It looks like they're going after kidnappers. Yeah, then Josh makes an appearance in the video.


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[Assistant] She said she was beat and dropped off at 6am. Man, this video is amazing.


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[Assistant] Holy cow. And then she's like, we're definitely bloods. We're like, she's like, we're family bloods. Like our whole house is.


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[Assistant] How do you get here? How do you get here in life? Like how do you, how do you get to this day?


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[Assistant] People live in the woods now, primitively basically, you know? There are civilizations that still exist where they don't have any outside influence or life. There's that one, remember it was in the news last year, that uhm, they haven't had outsiders there and I don't know.


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[Assistant] Danny Brown. There you go, man. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] If you're coming to see me, Europe is all sold out with the exception of Paris.


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[Assistant] Uh, has a few tickets and London has a few tickets. Everything else is all gone. Uh, then I will be in Kingston, New York, November 6th. A late show was added in New York City at the Beacon Theatre, November 7th.


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[Assistant] A Late Show was added in, uh, in Bensalem at the Parks Casino. That's November 8th. Tickets available in Syracuse, November 10th.


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[Assistant] Charlotte, November 13th and Lake Charles, Louisiana, November 15th.


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[Assistant] From there, there's tickets in, uh, a few tickets left in Melbourne and Miami and Eerie and The Late Show in Columbus. Those are in December. Uh, and the Melbourne Miami is late November. And then, uhm, I think I told you.


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[Assistant] Australia only has a few tickets left in Melbourne, that's it. Less than a hundred. All the other ones are gone. Auckland, New Zealand has a few tickets left. And I will be at the Mirage a few times next year in Las Vegas. Those tickets are also on sale all at TomSegura.com slash tour. Thank you everybody for supporting, uh, the live shows that we do. And, uh, we're back here in one second.


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[Assistant] And joining us is fan favorite and lover of ladies of all types.


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[Assistant] When this episode comes out, it'll be just a few hours before we embark on a European tour. That's right. This comes out on that day. That's right. And the question is, can Europe make Josh cum?


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[Assistant] And with the same vigor and drive, because the trauma has never healed. That's why.


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[Assistant] Leading up to when he was going to retire. And uh, he did in the, you know, in real life and it's captured in this. But he was like, it's time, it's time. He was like, it's time for me to stop. And now my sons can do porno.


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[Assistant] Almost got it. His mom did die. He was very close to his mom. He went to visit his mother's best friend. He was, his mother's best friend at the time was an old woman. Like an 80 year old woman. He was overcome with emotion and sadness and what he did in that moment


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[Assistant] Was pull his dick out and shove it in her mouth and he came immediately and then he left in shame.


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[Assistant] I asked him about the aggression in porn. I was like...


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[Assistant] I was like, so what do you, I mean, you've been in porn, at the time, he had already been in it decades. I was like, so what do you think of like this trend, right? Cause like porn used to be, I used to even do a bit about it. How in the eighties it was just like, they're just happy to fuck, right? And then he was like, I know. He's like, it's what the people want today. A woman, she blow me until she vomit.


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[Assistant] We do the shows, you know, uh, have dinner, then I'm like, see you later. And then next morning on my phone's like, want to have breakfast?


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[Assistant] I think, well, I think domestically it's like, you know, it happens, right? But I think the fact that you're on a stage and you're foreign, right? There's like this exoticness to it. Definitely. I mean, I know there'll be like a lot of expats at the shows. That's typically what happens.


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[Assistant] But I still think when you're like, oh yeaah, we're like, what are you doing here in Paris? Oh, I'm a comedian and you're gonna, I think it's gonna lead to easy entry.


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[Assistant] They're pretty awful. I think there's like no, there's gonna be no, uh, you know, sense of uh, shame. No. Just be like- Really? Yeah. You just go like- Just fuckin' piss in my ass. I'm gonna fit right in.


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[Assistant] I'll hook you up. By the way, uhm, isn't your winner of Make Josh Come, aren't you seeing her soon? Isn't this being arranged?


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[Assistant] The most desirable setup that could exist. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Basically like, you know why you're here, I know why I'm here. Yeah. And here's the thing, it's almost like prostitution but for fun. There's no money. There's no exchange. It's just like, do you want to do this, I want to do this.


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[Assistant] And you're gonna, you guys are gonna have full reports afterwards. Sure. Now I'm hoping that we also can get a full report from her. That's fine. Maybe you can set that up where she can send in a video and recap the night, you know what I mean? Or a phone.


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[Assistant] She knows that like, that they're both gonna get tested before. She's super cool, that's all.


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[Assistant] Dude, you're the person who knows RPC the most, and you've been closest to him, you've been in his home, you've sat nude next to him while he's nude.


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[Assistant] Uhm, for people that don't know, there's a big update and people are just destroyed by this. His YouTube channel has been taken down.


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[Assistant] This is the first one. This is uh, 2014, when completely normal came out. He's like, what's up, how's this uh, where's the special?


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[Assistant] And I go, it's on Netflix. He goes, how do I get it? And I go, go to netflix.com and sign up. And he goes, that's all I need to do. And I was like, yeah. And then it was like, you know, it's been out now, let's say a month and then he's like,


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[Assistant] Uh, is your, uh, is your special still out? And I was like, yup. And he's like, where, is this, it's on Netflix? Yea, how do I get it? I go, you just go to the website, you fucking sign up. And this happened, then this was nine months later.


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[Assistant] Like, it had been out a year, it started to track decently, I'm like selling tickets, and he's like, what's going on? I go, it's cause of the special. The one on Netflix? Yeah, the only one I have.


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[Assistant] He's like, I need to see it. How do I see it? You go to netflix.com and you sign up, you fucking TikTok.


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[Assistant] So you, by the way, you were, uh, touring a little while ago. Your tour went great.


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[Assistant] That's exciting. And is Boston on sale? Yes. Ooh, Boston, you better get those tickets.


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[Assistant] They're coming. Yes, they're coming. Uhm, so just stay, stay close. We'll obviously announce it here, and then as always, uh, what's the Twitter and uh...


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[Assistant] Uhm, a lot of people, make sure you get tickets to see Jaws, hit me up about, I guess I had a flub last week, I think. I don't know if you picked up on this or not. Uhm, I don't know if you heard this, but.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Love her. This is one of those things too that like, I think some people, I know some people have to go like, if I don't know this name, and I'm not listening or watching, I would tell you right now, if you're listening or watching, hands down one of the best guests we've ever had. Fantastic. She's so funny. And her stand up is...


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[Assistant] Uhm, did you see this couple that had been drinking? Clearly they've been drinking all night and now they're ready to go upstairs. This made me laugh so hard. Did you see this?


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[Assistant] He's got two hands, he's got two drinks, she's got a drink and like a phone in her hand. Oh no. Right? And then, she crashes into the wall. Is this that movie?


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[Assistant] That was 12 to 14 stairs. I mean, that's- Windy ones too. And look, he just got up. He's like, that's the only good thing about being that drunk.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it keeps the muscles relaxed. And then you'll pop up with something like that and be like, I'm alright, I'm alright. If he was sober, the guy with the fucking ambulance would be there.


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[Assistant] She doesn't know where to go. She's making, she made one step progress.


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[Assistant] And joining us now, I'm very excited to welcome my favorite actress who's in the new movie coming out this week, Countdown. You can see it in theaters all over the world. The great and talented and lovely Elizabeth Lale. Thank you for coming here.


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[Assistant] So I was like one of those people who, we'll talk about countdowns too, we'll get to it, we'll get to it.


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[Assistant] I was one of those people that, you know, everyone starts talking about a show and you're like, yeah, I'll fucking see it when I feel like it. And everybody keeps talking about talking about you. And then one day I'm actually just our, our normal night routine is that Christina goes to bed before me and then I just watch something for like an hour and go to bed. Right? So I'm going through the, the, the,


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[Assistant] The channel, whatever, the uh, you know, what's the queue, right? I'm scrolling, scrolling, and I'm like, everyone for the last two weeks have been talking about the view count on this, and everyone's gotta see, I'm like, I'm just gonna start this show. Dude, the next morning I have like black


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[Assistant] You're such a good actress. You're so good. You're the kind of actress that I think if other actors spend time with you, they would quit because they realize they don't have it, you know? Like it's actually good to be around you and be like, oh yeah, I don't have that talent.


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[Assistant] And then there's like a couple people who when they get up there, you're like, holy shit, they're way better than us. And you're that. That's a lesbian. That's you.


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[Assistant] Sweet, thank you. It's great. I mean, okay, when you booked you, you have no idea.


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[Assistant] Spoiler alert, if you're watching or listening right now, uh, I'm telling you, press pause and just jump in because season two is gonna come out soon, but season one is


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[Assistant] And it was, I mean, all because we just got obsessed with the show. And then when I, I got a small part in this, uh, in Countdown, which we'll get to, and like, that was one of the things they're like, I was like, who's in the movie? And they're like, oh, Elizabeth, I was like, from you?


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[Assistant] I didn't know how to act. I was like starstruck.


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[Assistant] From the agency. Uh, great news. You booked it. You're gonna be in a movie with, check it out, Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what's kind of cool, like the cool tie in, is that in that show, you're masturbating, and then your mom's friend's husband's are masturbating to you.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that's true, that's a bit, cause like, real masturbation is like...


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[Assistant] But that's what's hard to do. But that's what's hard to do, right? It's so hard to, to uhm, to actually really be that vulnerable on camera. That's what separates like really, really great actors from like everybody else.


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[Assistant] The thing about that series, this thing about the series and the character you play is that you really over the, especially with shows, you know, it's different within with a movie with a show, you really get to see all the layers and there's revelations and you get to see that like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, she has a sexual side, she has this, you see the relationship with the family, you see the insecurities, you see the confidence, you see, you see a really fully developed character. It's so fun to watch that show.


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[Assistant] For sure, right? Because it was on Lifetime at the start, which is so funny.


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[Assistant] But it was, saying lifetime show became a reference point that meant something, right? If you said this is a lifetime show, it meant like a, kinda like a woman's hallmark show. It meant murder, crying.


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[Assistant] To rebrand it, but that show, holy shit, I mean. It stands on its own. So what was it like after, like, it gets on Netflix, is it like right away, like the day after it came out, are you walking around like, holy shit, everyone's looking at me, like is it one of those things? Yep. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, of course. It's always, yea. People have a lot bigger balls, uh, in messages than they do in person. They do. Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Yep. I went to school there. I didn't get into any other schools, so I went to school there, because they accepted me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you guys could do? Just shave your heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I wanted her to get, see that on the right there? Where it's like, it's the skullet. So what you do, it's like the Ben Franklin. You shave the top, then you grow out the sides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Elizabeth, Elizabeth is such a good actress. Yes. This happened to me when I did, uhm, the other one the last year. Which is when you start, you're in a scene with like a really good actor and you start watching them and you're like, they're really good at acting. And then the director's like, you're doing the scene right now. And you're like, alright. Like, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was like with Margot Martindale or Julie Hagrid. So we'd be talking, talking, talking like this. And like, and act. And then, uh, and then you're like watching, you're like, oh, how you doing? Like a whole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he would tell me that on, uh, what is it, what was it called? Insta Family. He was like, no, he would be like, uh, that was real douchey the way you said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another lesson for me from like the last couple of years just booking a few parts. I always thought that like when you book a movie that there would just be like intense preparation from everyone to like shoot a scene and people are like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what are we shooting today? Like on the set and they're like grabbing and they're like, alright, so just, yeah, okay, yeah, we'll shoot in a little bit. And you're like, is that your preparation for this? And you're like, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's, back to you, there's so many great characters in that, in that season, you know? Like from your friends, I know, I'm serious, like there's so many- Peaches? Amazing. Yea, so great, so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we normally do, which is on stage, to filmmaking because the feedback is immediate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I would be most, uhm, worried about that too. Oh, for sure. Maybe because of being that worried about that, then you go up inside of you. Yeaah. Inward bone heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Do you remember the, do you remember any of the scenes that day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Elizabeth, back to the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you think that Joe, uh, I wanna show you a guy, I wanna know if you think he has, uhm, I'm sorry, I forgot, what's, uhm, what's his name, the character, it's Joe from the series too. Yes, from you. That's right. And what's the actor's name though? It's, uh, Penn. Penn. Penn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you wanted the story for this? Yeaah. We met, we actually got to meet Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we know the story of how this- She okay? She's alive. She's alive. Uhm, this man was at her gym, saw her name in the sign-in sheet, followed her out to the parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just began conversation, normal conversation, was like, hey, you know, wanted to ask her out. She was like, oh, kind of getting back with my ex. He's like, well, you know, can I call you sometime? And she was like, uh, yeah, I'll take your number. How about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as she pulled her phone out, he just took it, put his phone number in, and then called himself. So he had her number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Drew, Dr. Drew, who does our show here, said that he watched this video, he said this, he would describe it as stalking behavior. Okay. He said that the person is very capable of taking it to another level. So, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't know if you thought about joining Facebook, but if you do, you know, you might want to make an announcement like one of our buddies did over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you rather get the, the good morning video sent to you? Or is like, I think I could fall in love with you. Or this video. Like which strikes you as worse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was forced, it's forced sexy voice. It's forced sincerity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, from a few years ago. He's such a dad boy. He is. I mean, he's such a creeper. I think we should reveal, though, who it is. It's a little-known singer named Garth Brooks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is his message to the fans. This is how he got started with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you give us a read? Yea, of course. I like that. And then I really like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great assessment. See, what I see here is, they said that the notorious Boston mobster, James Whitey Bulger, never felt more relaxed than after when he just killed somebody, and he would just go into such a relaxed state. I sense that here, and that he's just so relaxed, he's overly relaxed, he's just like, ah, another bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, is this like a working comedian? Yea yea yea. And like does shows all the time? Yea. Primarily shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea yea yea. Boy, he's British. He's Scottish. Scottish. Yea, they're drunks. So that's fine, that's why, no. He, uhm, no, I can't do the drink before a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does Daniel live in New York or in Scotland? No, he lives in Scotland. He does? Okay. He has Netflix specials. He does. He's very talented. He's amazing. I think those guys are all born and bred to drink and perform. They are! I can't keep up. I can't keep up. I can't do it. You know who I feel like Elizabeth might connect with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's see him like in a different video. See how he looks in this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People found him. He's just somebody like, you know how you say, like you see people and you just start observing and you're like, oh my god. He's somebody who posts on social media and was, he was sent our way and uh, uh, we've been more than happy to oblige.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just getting out of jail right here, and uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I like watches. I mean, I like the way they look. I like being able to always, you know. Know the time. Yea, it helps. Yea, I don't need to look at my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you can tell that he just learned that word that day. He said, look up her body. Like it's a new word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be. It could be. But I think he listens to no. I think Tony knows no means no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let's uhm, let's talk about this before we wrap up here because Countdown is a movie that yours truly is in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. You know what? You gotta give him credit. He's not pretending to be something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, I'm excited. Did you by chance, cause I don't know if you did, did you stay through the credits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There I am, yep. There I am with Elizabeth, with the real actress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So guys, if you're listening, if you're watching, uh, if you would, opening weekend is this weekend. Countdown is the movie. Uh, when you're done with that and you haven't yet watched you go to Netflix, watch the whole series. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're so happy and thankful that you came today. I'm super excited to see the movie. Follow her, watch the movie, let us know what you think, and congrats. Thank you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, thought could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, it could be good, it could be bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey. This is Josh. Oh my god. She has all her teeth, which is a little upsetting. Let's go back to Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine, since I have to fucking do this. Hi guys, I'm Batterina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But please don't ever fucking call me that when you talk with me. Please call me Marina if you have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one thing to definitely know about me is do not ever fucking piss me off. That's the wrong thing to do. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one thing to definitely know about me is do not ever fucking piss me off. That's the wrong thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see that one. Oh, you'll be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll heal up in the next day or so, uhm, we can't leave until this anthem goes away though. Okay. So... So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you'll be good, we can't- they'll heal up in the next day or so, uhm, we can't leave until this sandstorm goes away though. Uh huh. So... What is- who's watching this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peaches. Amazing. So great. So great. That bitch. That's what she would say if she were here. Fucking peaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely a category of porn, but in terms of like, IRL, probably a little more rare than porn. Yea, tons of crying porn. Guys love it when their girls are like, they're like, CHOOK ON MY DICK, and they're like, GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's that, it's that like turned up to 11, you know what I mean? It's the same feeling that whoever enjoys the gagging and the crying on the dick, it's like you turn that up to 15 and then you got like, well I can just watch a girl sob and I'll get, get hard, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd like to keep the day and time, yes, obviously anonymous, but uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very soon, on the day of this taping, from the day of this taping, it's gonna be before you know it, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can travel with cash. Of course. Okay, see, I've never... I don't think I'm too certain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the dream, I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna take part in all of his hospitality, you know? So, he's gonna offer me a drink, he's offered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, we're gonna have a, uh, a sheet, uh, all that. I'm gonna get the whole, I'm going there just for this, so we are not walking away without any sort of content here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, maybe he's gotta go on a shopping trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if everyone just posted Instagram pictures of what they came to that day? Like that was their-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be very passive, by the way. You don't have to worry about that. I'll be very like, I'll probably look at my shoes a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's about it. That's the only, I mean, otherwise, it's a very intriguing offer. He's got a tie on. Yea, he's cute. No, yea, it's just, if I could come from a man, I would have done it by, you know what I'm saying? I would love to be gay. I'd be so gay I'd have AIDS. That's how gay can be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, I'm just saying, I'm open-minded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so she- Wow. Well that's how I would expect her submission to come through, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the thing is like, if, I mean, she would very well be great at all the things that she could provide, but there wouldn't be like that connection that I hope I get like a, just a small, I don't need, I don't need to fall in love, but I mean, she'll be like, she'll just be like, I'm gonna make you come now, and then I, you know, it'd be like a real,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could, the thing I, I'm, uh, adverse to pain. And that rack in the background was like, that's optional. You're right. It's optional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. So far out of the no women, she's the leader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm definitely into it. I like her vibe. Yeaah. I like that she, uh, started out just like, bleh, what's up? Yeaah. This is currently, I mean, an amazing offer. Yeaah, she's number one. Like I said, out of the zero, total leader. Let's see what else we got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a great, great, they're all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you can, I'm happy, if you were to be like, we're gonna punish you and not give you the ballin' one, I'd be like, okay, I would be not, I wouldn't feel like it was punishment, I would feel still rewarded with the other two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm gonna try, dude. I'm gonna try. The scary thing, what if I can only come from two women? I guess I have to live that way forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get tested, I've been tested recently, I'll get tested again. That's the only doctor thing I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, oh my god, this is awesome. I definitely don't want to wear a condom. I hope they don't tell me to. If they don't tell me to, then I think we're good to go. They're on birth control, yadda yadda yadda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Give me one, I'll give me a, I mean, you get, if you, the ones that are easy to catch, you just go to the planned parenthood, you take one of those little shots and they go away. You know, pee burns for a couple days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks. What if I just send it to you? No. Uh, you could, I'll check it out first and make sure. Hey, I just want to say thanks to the other girls too. Yes. Really nice of you. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A friend out, and he met a chick. You can never tell, don't mind, you can never tell if a chick is a man or a woman sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, you gotta play a luck of the draw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he took this chick down to my friend's basement, down in the house, you know, and we're gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the kick-a-long-long, sure, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, so he's down there, and they're getting in the mood, and he goes, why do I feel like there's a log in your pants? He goes, ah, that's not how you do that. You know, he pulled down the girl's pants that are seven inch long on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he ran out, and he ran out of there. I'm not gay, I'm not gay. Found out the guy's name's Susie. Nick's name's Susie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just gonna say, he said, we up outta here. Oh, we up outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, possibly zero. It depends on the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I did when I was a kid uhm, but then I kinda got used to that I guess. The discomfort? No, no, no, my body got used to it and then it didn't hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I had two sausage egg biscuits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually, if not, it's gonna sound bad, but if not, then I'll eat those three meals in one sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll eat at a full pizza, full large pizza, and some breadsticks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I didn't eat within the past four or five hours, I could eat. I could probably eat a pizza and a half. I eat like five burgers at a time. It depends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it doesn't hurt, it's normal, but it's forever. What do you mean? It's a lot of poop. Like I'll flush at least six times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to when I was a kid and then it just got less and less and less to where now I might, uhm, but if I do, it'll be a one time thing and I'll say, ah, I could do that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I even touch a girl, guaranteed, we're gonna have a talk about abortion. We're gonna have a talk about STDs. Really? Oh, 100%. It always comes to, you know, what do you think about kids? Oh yea, well, what if you accidentally, you know, would you be down for an abortion? She says yea. Cool, you wanna come with me? You have to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time it starts with this, I always say, oh yea, you want to know a fun fact? I've never won a condom in my life. And they're always, oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't do where you, you know, meet her at a club and then straight to her place or something, I don't even talk. Come here you little funky dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it could be one night, but it's still a conversation before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that might be our camera, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else is going on? You can see, I'm wearing a shirt again. See, I got the shirt, you see, I'm wearing the shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an ad that's what I'm looking for, guys that come over, and uh, X-Con or Thug, you see? Got the whole thing on it, could you read it? Okay, it's up there, for you to read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm just by myself here walking around. He looks great. And we're gonna go for this room, okay? Cause it's really, we're going to go see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna show you a cabinet I got. With stuff that you're gonna look with. If you think that. Beauty stuff. See everything in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mask over here. I got a lot of stuff done. A lot of nice stuff, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't do it because you gotta hold on to but- There he is, there he's back to fucking here. He looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything goes from mild to wild to kink, and I'm, uhm, here, and, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you at least a key. You're gonna bring a friend considering I could take three guys in. So let me know. Three guys? Knock on a door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bang the door, man, bang the door. Wanna come over here and come check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm, you know, just doing nothing, actually, and, uh, we're good. So, there you know, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi. Welcome to my show. Welcome to, uhm, Lucifer's Hot Lair. Okay, you guys are hot. Wanna come over? Yeah? You wanna get down and dirty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm created for a future where we are no longer defined by gender, but rather how we define ourselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll heal up in the next day or so, uhm, we can't leave until the Sanctum goes away though. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What friends of yours have mothers that would go to that length? That's right. Butthole. Butthole. Butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, whatever, I'm over it, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need, I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. It's a deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, you wanna come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one video is sort of a classic. Is that from your show? No, I'm just fascinated by that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me, piss on me, beat me up, homie, now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a subjective choice, really. It was your choice. People putting themselves in my shoes, I can understand them having different reasoning and things like that, which is fine. I made my choice, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Then... That's my new, uh, business. If you're interested, ladies, if you don't think you have the distribution power to get your panties out to the world to maximize your profitability, I'm here for you. Let me take charge. We'll get you out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, uh, the first stop of the Make Josh Come Tour is set. It's on sale right now as this is out. It's in Seattle at the Rendezvous, September 5th. Tickets on sale right this fucking minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's not that many tickets, so you gotta get them. Where, where, uh, can they buy the tickets? You can buy the tickets, the links are on my Instagram bio, my Twitter bio, you'll find them all there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, we're gonna be announcing more hopefully soon, but Seattle, you are the first test, the first experiment in the Make Josh Come Tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's uh, that's not co, that's really, I have to go to a consulate and discuss my entering a certain country and I'm hopeful that they'll let me. Hopefully that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, throughout, I suppose, leading up to it, of course, I was sleepless, you know, I mean, I imagine that like, you know, I haven't had conversations with Oprah or Anderson Cooper or any of these types, George Stephanopoulos, but I'd imagine they have a similar feeling going in when they're about to interview a dignitary or like, the Queen of England or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had that feeling going in. I didn't, you know, I had to be prepared. When you arrived, did you, did you go to the hotel? Well, I, I flew in, arrived, I went to the hotel to freshen up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so I can be professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, uh, I was calling him leading up. He still didn't believe I was coming, which is fine. Many of you on, uh, his Instagram live were reassuring to him, and he wasn't... He wasn't sure, you know, and I get that. He's been stood up a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that one specific video, the one that we all fell in love with initially, uh, has a different tone to it. Yeaah, it does, right out. He gets to a little bit of that, I think like, uh, I think he speaks to that if I recall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, uh, I mean, when I got to 2395 Wagner Housing Projects, Apartment 2C, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, I called you right when I arrived, I was staring at the structure. I had approached it and I was, it was, I was about to, uh, ascend to, you know, the point in which where apartment 2C is when I called you. And so I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's a housing project, so like you'd see pretty much anywhere there was a gentleman outside shooting fireworks into the sky, and this is in the daytime, and there's some people that would be like, you know, like, why you got a camera for? Like that kind of thing, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I was never, never, I was only scared that I wouldn't live up to the task.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, of course I was nervous. I mean, I'm interviewing someone of such importance, I need to like execute, you know, so of course I was nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I pulled out my phone to witness the initial opening of the door. I mean, this is the first time I'm seeing him with my own eyes. He's seeing me. We're making person to person contact now. Keep in mind, this is from my cell phone. I am no Paul Brazil. I'm not a filmmaker here, so I apologize. But what we get, the final product will be much better than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he likes sparkly things. He's into design and his, uh, his bent seems to be the more flashy, uh, Christmas-like ornament, but he's wearing a black tank top that we all know and love. It's almost like his uniform at this point. And that is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like a true professional, he answered the door prepared to begin the interview. And he knew the cameras would be rolling immediately so he was already prepared. So yes, he didn't have his pants on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's his art, yes, it's his boas, it's his costumes, it's, uh, his, uh, he designed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll compare it to something like Chernobyl where I walked in and it was like I could feel a lot of things radiating my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't have preferred it any other way. Yeah. How was it? It was fantastic. We had a lovely conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, the things you can look forward to are, we discover how he developed a taste for urine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We learned that. We learned that. Uh, we learned some of the celebrities that he's had romps with in the past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I showed up with his gifts, we gave him all of the merch that he's inspired, and he was pretty indifferent towards that part of it. We gave him a new laptop, which I hope he gets to figure out how- Was he excited about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, he says he has one and he doesn't know how it works and it's old, so he's gonna donate that, which is very nice of you Robert. That's nice. And, uh, he's gonna start using that for his, uh, his future business endeavors, which he discusses in the interview. Okay. And then, uh, we gave him some money and he was, he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I figured he could take it there and figure out something, some way to make it work. If you're a T-Mobile employee, you might want to hit Robert up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he was excited to have a new phone though. But yes, the thing that really made his eyes light up was I brought everything in a Trader Joe's tote bag. And I was like, and you can have this bag too. And he was like, oh, I could use this. He was really excited about the bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he did like the cash. I'm sure he'll find great use for that. And not only did we give him presents, but he was very, uhm, he noticed that you were very sad about Theo's passing and it's also your birthday, so he sent me back with some presents for you, Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one? Cause there was lots. And so he's like, that one right there. And I said, oh, this one good. He's like, no, not that one, this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's quite impressive actually. Yes, he makes all the, that's what, if you notice the picture I posted on Instagram and Twitter, uh, you notice a bunch of dolls behind him. This is lovely. Maybe back there it can go. She's going right on the mantle. Yeah, she should be right behind you at all times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is that smoke? I don't know, uhm, it definitely has some of the milieu of Robert's apartment on it still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so tired. No, I didn't. I got off on all those things. I got off of all those things. I did have a- You did? Yeah. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause those things are for the birds, man. Like, the whole thing is based off your physical appearance, which it's like, okay, I'm not banning a thousand in that department, so it's like, oh, okay, I'm not gonna get a smoke show just from the spikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm willing to give all three a go around here. I mean, we gotta figure out how to get this sword out of the stone, you know? It's not gonna, you know, Jackie's gonna be the first crack at it. It doesn't mean she's gonna do it necessarily. I'm not throwing shade. That's true. You know what I'm saying? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gonna be ample opportunity. In Seattle, September 5th, that's your chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it'll at least be one huge awesome video too, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, he just did a Famous Korean Actress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, I'm Robert Paul Champagne and you're watching Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, and I gotta tell you that you've had your heroes on the show. You've had your big daddy, Kane. You've had, uhm, too short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta tell you that this guest is my two short, my big daddy kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scott Thompson is coming in. He's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause the show is invitation only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just come on here, and you know what? You can't just tweet at me and demand who gets to be on your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't work that way. We vet the, the guests, we make sure they're of a certain caliber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has inspired so many of us to create our own theatrical videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would say he's cleaned up a bit. He looks as though he may have rested a bit more. And the mustache is a lot bigger and thicker. And we've got a red bow above his head. We had that before, I believe. The bow was there. He likes boats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but that's a new edition, because before it was a straight, piss on me, beat me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to chill out. You're mature, yeaah. He's, his needs of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have been, uhm, what's the word I'm looking for? Just refined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof. And he added that in there. It was kind of a sexier plea. It was kind of like he knew he was a little too desperate in the other one and now he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Distinctly New York. And he's more playful. You're the boss. He's more relaxed. I think he's matured like we said. He's calmed down. And also you'll notice that he's not so strict on the black guys who like to fucking fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inclusive. Yeah, inclusive. That's exactly the right word, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of running it. I heard from mild to wild kink. That's what I heard him say. Go ahead. It's kink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, he doesn't, he doesn't go so far as to specify pissing and beating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's just saying kink. It's an umbrella for many behaviors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to ca- yea, more of an audience. Here's the deal, man. It's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, can I tell you what I love about this version? And I am so excited that they finally figured this out. Is that people don't need a host. You don't need a Roger Lodge. You don't need a Patty Stanger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She makes his dick hard. And I tell you a thing, when I watched the first episode by myself before I told you about the show, I did too. Cause I went, oh, that guy's into her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a physical unconscious thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate it. I hate when people are rude on first dates, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awful. Here's the deal, man. I tell you the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and you know what I love too is how nervous people are when they meet each other for the first time. And you can always tell who's the most nervous, cause they order shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one has some shots, like they're so nervous to be speaking to a stranger, like dude just chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like I would, for me personally, for someone else, that's a wonderful person, suitor. If you were to do that on the first day, I'd be like, you're an alcoholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you need shots to talk to me? Like, this isn't gonna go well at all. Like, what's wrong with you man? You can't just talk to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but there, okay, I'll just, I'll let, I'll, we'll spoil our alert the first episode. There's like a girl from Jersey on there. Yeah. And she's trying to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm super independent, I'm like the confident, and you're like, you're not, but you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, haha. But uhm, I don't know. She just bugged the shit out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if she, but if she were super hot, like if Charlize Theron did that, you'd be like, that's fine, she can smack her lips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause it doesn't help that she's got major fillers in her li- like, anybody who's under 30 with like filler work is fucking crazy. It looks cuckoo banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, bitch, you don't even know this person, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but I will say something too. Is that I don't like eating on the first date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like to eat in front of people. And you're already kind of nervous. You're not really hungry on a first date. At least I wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you just, yea, I don't want to be eating like a bowl of spaghetti in front of a guy, cause it's messy, it's not very attractive to eat in front of a stranger. So I'd rather do drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I trying, so here's the deal man, is that when you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is before we got together. I'm 27. This is the year before we get together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, yeaah, we go, we go to the wine bar. And I, I'll be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, LeBron. You're so charming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, cause I've never had a one night stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Is that what the kids are saying? He slid into my DMs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I am the worst dater ever. I could not survive a day in the wild without you, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not meant for uhm, dating at all. I'm meant for monogamy, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you could still smoke there at the time we both smoked. And I was like, alright, let's just go smoke some cigarettes, play pool, talk. If I like you, then that's what you're gonna do for the rest of your life with somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were, do you know that you were supposed to be my first one night stand? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, and then I was like, I think I love you, Tom Sinclair. I couldn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. We have that midlife crisis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, we'll see what happens. You may have to join a men's support group for your 40th birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For anxiety, did you know that there's a men's support group you can join? It's not sexual, it's just where men cuddle and hug each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not sexual, that's what platonic means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No fat guys allowed. Oh, and also showering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, and the mandatory showering beforehand. Yeah, why? Why? You're just cuddling. You're just cuddling and being cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love too, which is unique to men, in a men's cuddling group, is that they have to tell the guys to shower beforehand. Like that's how disgusting you guys are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, speaking of horrible things, our own blue band has a horrible or a hilarious


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. B and C are really close, you may have to unravel it with your fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we need science, babe. You're not doing this to exact-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna make my guess. I don't want to look at the actual paper. Okay, here's my guess. I'm gonna walk you through my logic, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because my own mother was a ginger, like our lovable blue band, I happen to know that ginger hair is finer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm gonna say that C is actually blue band's pub. I'm gonna say that B


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm gonna say A is Josh Potter. Only because, now I don't know if Chris has a girlfriend, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go on the assumption that Chris, if Chris does not have a girlfriend, his is B.