[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both apologize for being shits. We're like, listen, dude, we thought it'd be funny. It really just, it didn't land well and we like you. You're a nice guy. We didn't want to hang up and like have you thinking that we are these people. Like, we're just joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we just fucked up. Look, sometimes in comedy, you swing for the fences, and what's the saying? You hit your mom's cunt. Like, you don't make it all the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And very real. And we really talked about whether or not men are gay, straight or bi, and how, you know, sexual fluidity in males and all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I have to say in all of YMH history, I don't regret many bits or things that we have done. That is my only regret is how we handled it with him. I don't, you know, like again, we,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here with two us jackasses. So I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what his whole argument is really interesting that he believes that male sexuality is fluid the way they studied women's sexuality and women are very fluid in their sexuality. Like they can be bisexual at one point, lesbian and then go with a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I don't know, like we, you know, you and I love to talk about this because I don't, I'm not friends with any straight males who have come to me and been like, hey, you know what, I am a straight guy, I've been with a woman, same woman for a million years, but there was that one time where my friends and I buttfucked or blew each other, like I don't have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that men are so shamed. Are you gonna tell me the truth about something right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, me neither. And I feel like the guys that I have talked to like that, they end up being gay. Eventually. Like they might go on the bisexual highway for a few years, and then they're like, dude, I'm full gay now. And now we all know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that men really are so driven by what they're into sexually, and really don't compromise a whole lot, especially in this day and age in terms, like, you don't really meet the guy that's like closeted and has a wife and stuff as much anymore as you did in the 1950s, cause society's opened up so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna suck dicks now and that's what I do. I just gobble dicks all day. I love dicks and butt holes and I love doing that stuff, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, and I think it really boils down to having no reproductive consequences. Like, you guys do not get pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, and even now, there's a pill you can take, I think it's before you have intercourse that prevents you from contracting HIV. What? Yeah. Uh huh. So, which is fantastic, is it you take it before or right after? I forget. I think if you take it, if you know you're gonna have like a wild weekend,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just if there's gay people listening and you don't know about it, yes, there is a pill you can take, I think before you have a sex act, and it can protect you, prevent you from contracting HIV, which is so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, because I have gay male friends who've told me that they've done this in preparation for like a wild weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] General warts they have now too, and they're giving it to boys so that, and you better believe I'm gonna have my boys vaxxed when they're like, I think it's 10 or 11, you can get the general warts vaccine. Man, I really wish we could just give boys birth control, uhm, or just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, tie their, tie their testes up until they're 30, so you don't fucking ruin your life. We were talking about that the other day, like how having a kid young can just destroy your life, you know. Can you imagine if you had kids at 17, you'd be, you know, say goodbye to comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did not, I just felt my heart. You just did not do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how everybody's like, we want to hear diversity in women's voices and, you know, people in wheelchairs and fat people. Uh, back in 2008 when I was a feature act, they did not want to hear those diverse voices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially in stand-up comedy. And so this- Your name's misspelled? It's miss- as always, which is why I've changed it to Christina P. So this lovely woman, April Macy, God bless April Macy. She was a headliner, she was on RAS Comic Standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, took me out with her and I was her feature act and we, we had clubs going, literally two women, no thank you. So we had to come up with a concept to get us sold. And this is what we did, the naughty and sorta nice comedy tour. And guess which one I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we took these silly pictures of her in like devil horns. It was a gimmick just so that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2008. Isn't that wild? Anyway, I was going through my, my stuff when I found this and I thought, oh how embarrassing, but, but also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, I talk shit on a lot of stuff that's happened in our society, but not long ago, you know, in 2021, now they want to hear women tell jokes back, well, I don't know, do they? But anyway, we pretend like we do. In 2008. You look cute, Jean. Wasn't that cute? Side bangs, full action, longer blonde hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a good time. So God bless April Macy. Shout out to her. She's still working and she's very funny. You can see her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she murdered. April Macy, let me tell you, taught me, uh, how to crush. I would watch her just, ugh, she would just destroy, destroy. Standing Ovation. Yeah. Tampa Sidesplitters, I'll never forget. Standing Ovation. I saw you guys somewhere. It was probably on this tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, see, society's changed quite a lot. This is October of 2008. We were married a month later. Did you realize that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and fun fact, at the time, my agent was the same agent who represented Screech from Saved by the Bell. He's no longer with us now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Screech. Oh, I don't know about the agent. Uh, I don't even remember his name. You don't have to say his name. I won't. Uh, so Screech would be on every club calendar a week before me. And then I'd get to hear what, you know, he was up to, which was kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is cool. This showed up, uhm, in my, uh, Instagram feed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so ugly. If those are bird's teeth, yeaah, look at the middle row with all the, the loom, whatever platinum and shit in your fucking mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, I believe, uh, yeaah, the author of My Struggle started this kind of game, didn't he? Jesus. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was started. This is a hot German track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, if you really loved me, you'd use my teeth as jewelry. And they expen- I have expensive teeth. These veneers cost a fortune. You better make them into necklaces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the last time everyone agreed on what's for dinner? You want Chinese food, they want pizza, and someone is craving froyo. There's something for everyone on DoorDash. DoorDash connects you with the restaurants you love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now and right to your door. And ordering is so easy. You open the Door Dash app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choose what you want from where you want and your items will be left safely outside your door with a contactless delivery drop-off setting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With tens of thousands of restaurants across Canada, you can support your neighborhood go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants like McDonald's, Popeyes, A&W, and Tim Hortons. It really is just that easy. I mean, we've been living off DoorDash now for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, our listeners get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH. That's 25% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH. Don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh oh, best fiends, it's my favorite game on my phone. I play it all the time when I have a free minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I play it when I'm waiting in airports. I play it in the airplane. I play it in ubers. I love best fiends. Uhm, I like the characters. I like the colors. I like that I feel rewarded constantly. They're always like, you did it. You did it. You can unlock this next thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel really proud, I'm proud of myself when I play best fiends. The puzzles are fun, they're challenging, but not like such a brain drain, you know? And they keep you engaged for a long time and there's lots of explosions and I like that too. You just feel like you're doing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Summer's a great time to get away from it all and whether you're unplugging from the internet or to hit reset or just finding yourself without wifi, you can still enjoy best feens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I love it and I can play it anywhere I want so I never miss out on a chance to play. Download the five-star rated puzzle game Best Fiends free today on the App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what, now that I've just been talking to the two of you, and especially listening to you, I get it now. Like I know why...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I say this, you're so real, and you're so lovable, and I get it. Wow, lovable? Yes. Let me tell you, I mean, I- I'd go with life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, did someone walk, were they fucking and the husband came back home, like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since you're listening to this show, I think it's safe to say you love listening to podcasts, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you'll find a ton of binge-worthy podcasts, including ours, on Amazon Music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazon Music has more than 10 million free podcast episodes to listen to, but Amazon Music isn't just for listening to podcasts. They have thousands of music stations and top playlists


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We tell her what to play and our kids love telling Alexa what to do too. If you've never tried Amazon Music Unlimited, now's a great time for a limited time. New customers can try Amazon Music Unlimited free for 30 days. No credit card required.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just go to Amazon.com slash Your Mom. That's Amazon.com slash Your Mom to try Amazon Music Unlimited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free for 30 days. Amazon.com slash your mom. Renews automatically. Cancel anytime. Terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you mentioned that you weren't familiar with TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is my A vocation, my second job. This is my primary and then my hobby is TikTok and I curate the finest outliers. Like you know something like there's these dance videos, there's hot girls doing shit, that's not the TikTok I love. I go deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the woman wears like pineapples or pineapple necklaces so that people know she's into black guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no sweetie, this is, this is, trust me, I know, I know a lot. You're the professional, you're the pro. But now, to his benefit, excellent lighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just fart with it. I can't believe this. Yeah. I thought you were on my side. I am. I thought we were allies. I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good one. It's weird as shit. This is when I was in high school and you do drugs and you watch these movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like yea, like I want to share this with you guys because he's horned up. Something, something happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a gambling thing and we would say that's our website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, the French Champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. There is a California Champagne by Palmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but hearing them talk about their experiences on Grindr and stuff, it's fucking crazy how easy it is for them to just hook up at any time. It's wild. That's the luckiest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They range, looks like they're close to between a hundred and two hundred-ish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now you got all these audio messages? All? How many do you have? I mean, from you, I have a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no yeah, and when I get like an audio message from you, I just know to always have a pen and paper next to me, so that if there's important stuff to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this is the hardest would you rather I think I've ever had to answer. Cause I don't like either of them. But uh, you know what? I'll take an audio message over death videos. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I've been like, googling im- like images of the rosary beads every now and then just cause you need to wrap that around your hand, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like they're just respecting their elders over there. I don't think anyone can understand what that guy just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I mean, that sounded like just the same sound on repeat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, there's a menorah that you do every week, and there's a hanukkiah that you do once a year on Hanukkah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm, it has one less, like Hanukkah has eight branches, like eight candles, and then one to light it, and then Amanorah has one less than that. Seven. Seven for each day of the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I practice tradition and I, I am a good Jay. Such a terrible Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, they started a prayer and then they wanted the old guy like, oh, you want to take it on? And then he just kind of starts muttering and then they're like, haha, he can't do it. He can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up mommies? We have brand new merch in the merch store. Go to store.ymhstudios.com and check out all the YMH merch we have to offer. What will happen to the Trumps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello Fresh! I love Hello Fresh. You get pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skip the trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. And that's why it is America's number one meal kit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love HelloFresh at our house because I don't want to plan meals, neither does Tom. We don't want to go to the grocery store. And we love cooking together as a family. I like getting the kids involved. They feel like they're doing something special when they get to cook with mom and dad. Best part is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to HelloFresh.com slash YMH12 and use code YMH12 for 12 free meals including shipping. Go to HelloFresh.com slash YMH12 and use code YMH12 for 12 free meals including free shipping. Boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he, cause you know, we love Burt, but he does tend to stray and go off on tangents and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the best worst listener in the world, Burt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so disappointed in our lunch that we had. I want to redo lunch. Can I just order a second lunch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm such a fucking asshole. I'm trying to be healthy. I ordered a scoop of tuna and egg salad on lettuce. I didn't even get what I ordered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well maybe we should, let's redo lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I go by textures and what I enjoy texturally. Texturally, is that a word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I have to do now is I eat excessively spicy food cause I can taste the spice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's been happening is I order like Mexican bowls, and then I put a fucking ton of Tapatio on there, and then I take fire shits, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've stopped drinking alcohol for the most part, cause like, I'm like, dude, how much of an alcoholic am I if I have to push, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to get f-fated and not taste the alcohol. Right? That's really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you took another dump, you've taken like three dumps today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, because I don't know if the audience ever had closure on your colonoscopy and your diagnosis of your browns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your jug. Yeah. Ugh, it's the worst sound in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you eat, you cook the spinach so it's not as raw. Sauteed. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No treats, you're not, you're very no treats now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a travel day for me. I made like a pulse of kielbasa. It was like half, you know when you get the loops, the farmer John, Polish sausage? I swear to God, my second shit of the day was like half the loop. And to think that any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is carrying that much caca in him, and that's like half of my brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I don't know, it blows my mind. So, we were discussing at lunch, we had a lunchtime discussion. I don't know how we got on the topic about the Middle East.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, I feel like every time I talk, I'm turning into my dad. Cause my dad would tell stories. And I remember being like, this guy's out of his fucking mind. There's no way this is true. And then slowly, I realized like, oh, my dad was telling the truth and he's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking telling them things and these little whippersnappers don't believe me. I go, I go dudes, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In 2009, I did a USO military tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, that was, I think that was on a different trip. This trip I just did, Dubai, Bahrain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did it because I support the troops. Thank you, America. So Bahrain, Dubai, Qatar, I'm sorry, Qatar, is how they say it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Riyadh, whatever. And then I went on Somalia, Djibouti.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what home, homegirl, because she loves this fucking country. Okay? Yeah. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is different. That's the spy ship. This is hilarious. So that's me. Here I am in 2009 getting lowered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get on that little boat, and that's gonna take us to ABOT. It's an oil platform in the middle of the Persian Gulf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Abot is a mile long oil platform, half is American, the other half Iraqi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The theory being that the Americans are training the Iraqis to take over this territory and protect their own oil. So I'm on this oil platform for like, I think three or four days because the weather turns bad and we can't get off and whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, along the way I see this spy ship, an Iranian spy ship pulls up. Go ahead. So I'm telling these whippersnappers a story. I go, yeah, this, the Iranians are spying on them and there, there's a ship. Here it is right here. The ship, they just blacked out the word Iran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucking out of your mind, old lady. This is not, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tell them, so this is the top, so this is on, this is on, I'm on A-Bot here, and here I am playing with one of the guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they let me play with their guns. Now, I'm up on this part of ABOT. This is the, I think this was the Iraqi side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on the Iraqi side and this wonderful, wonderful man is giving us a tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to, uh, to Dick. He knows who he is. We still keep in touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Dick says to me, so you see those mattresses over there? I go, what are you talking? Mattresses? Yea, I go, there's like a few of them. They're pushed up against the wall. See these mattresses mashed against the wall? He goes, every Thursday,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Iraqis put down the mattresses on here on top, and they have Man Love Thursdays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Man Love Thursdays, where they F each other, they get freaky and horny and they F each other, cause there are no women on A-Bot for them to fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'll tell you, it's funny you mention that because I, so I had to perform on this oil platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Iraqi men were in such a frenzy. It was me and one other female comedian in a male comic. The Iraqi men were in the back. The Americans were in the front. They don't understand what the fuck I'm saying. The Iraqi soldiers obviously. They have an ice cream social. This is true. In the middle of the platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as we're performing too, there's ice cream social, the Iraqi men are getting all fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they want to take photographs with, uh, the, the girl and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're performing. Yeah. And the dick says, no, no, no, no fucking pictures. Don't let these Iraqis touch her cause they're gonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I slept on this oil platform, Debbie was her name, the other comic and I, I slept in a fucking tin, you know, metal, whatever, cargo thing with beds in it, and they had a guy sitting in front with a machine gun all night because he's like, Dick Later told me, he's like, yeah, those Iraqis would have raped you, you would have been raped on that boat for sure, on the platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, during my year in Afghanistan, I often heard the term man love Thursday because Thursday was the last day of the Afghan work week, Friday being a holy day. Thursday night was when affluent Afghans engaged socially, sort of like Friday or Saturday night in the States. However, women are not allowed out in the streets. Yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But please corroborate any military listening about Man Love Thursday because yea, you did not fucking believe me and you still don't believe me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What part do they not believe? No, that's crazy. I go, they fuck everywhere on Thursdays. It's man love Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. But I'm telling you, I feel like I'm that crazy old lady. First of all, I would never lie to you boys. I would never lie. I would never make- I think that's why I'm so offended. I'm like, I don't lie. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you make a video like this and sell it? Of you farting like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you finish your jack-off arena tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duncan is so funny and we couldn't think of anybody better to sit with a live audience. You know, his take on stuff is always so unique and so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we, you called him this morning and I was just listening and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is disgusting. Take this fucking man's asshole. You are so nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Tom, you forget now that Unkshine is a public figure and he has to set a good example now. It's not, he's not just some unknown guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, I thought he was talking to a girl right here. I didn't realize that was one sided. That's how good he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That noo noo! That noo noo! He is a ladies man for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a casual. It's gonna go somewhere with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a casual thought. Why don't you ever give me a thought?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how do I get those scratchies and pets and foot rubs, like, independent of porking? Can you do it after we fuck or are you just too disinterested in me after you come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reflection of our relationship and how much you cherish me, like anytime I ask for snuggies or scuttles, affection, it turns to sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I take that as a compliment that you're still interested in me sexually. Of course I am. Thank God. Yeah. So you're saying that when you begock, next time I can put in the request.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw on my journeys, I saw a taxidermied raccoon in a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it okay to have a taxidermy bedazzle? It's like so disrespectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's art, babe. It's timeless. We can... Here, should I send it to the guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, no, who do you care? It's for my birthday. Actually, it's for your birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll just look at it. I think he'll dig it. It was ten grand, cause it's a piece of art. Can we put it in our new house in Texas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hoping you wouldn't mind. See? Isn't that cool? Isn't that rad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I figured we want like a showstopper piece. Like you want something that people ask about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went, I went, brrrr. Okay, what happened on the plane? I was, I was in first class, cause I fucking earned it. Okay, I've been a comic for a million years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, this douchebag next to me. Thank you. It's the same story. Like, it's dark as fuck. It's the first flight out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's the only a-hole. He's op- and both open. Both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like a child where he has to be watching his stupid show with his earbuds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like at this point, do I have a right to tell them? Like everyone else has their-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I had a hoodie on, I put the hoodie over my eyes, I had glasses on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let me ask you this. Cause I have, I do window too for that reason. What about, you know that window that's kind of in between your seat and the person's behind you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's is it? And they leave that one open and now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I'll do is I'll go back and I'll go, do you mind if I? And I'll ask so they act like they have say in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then there was no wifi on the plane because the satellite wasn't working or whatever, and then he was throwing a fit to the, the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was throwing a baby fit. I was like, guys, shut the fuck up, like I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a few people I've had in recent experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uhm, oh, do you want to see a picture of my dog? Yeaah, I had a dog die to cancer last year, and then I got a divorce, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she got custody of the kids and then you're like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot tell you how many times I have recommended Squarespace to people when they say, I don't have a website. Why not? With Squarespace it is so easy to build one. I myself have built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four or five websites using Squarespace. I don't know HTML coding. I'm not a genius. You don't have to be with Squarespace. It's so intuitive, so easy to use. You can make a website for anything for your upcoming wedding. Maybe you want to put up your kids' pictures. Maybe you want to publish your blog or make a business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, built in search engine optimization, free and secure hosting. There's nothing to patch or upgrade ever. What that means is that you're not going to go to your website one day and realize it's not working because you don't know how to install some annoying plugin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are those anyways? I just love it. Powerful e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything online. So try it out. Go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My theory is, okay, if you don't talk about your dick as a male comic, I don't trust you. On stage, I mean. And it's because they're not letting the dark side show. We embrace our dark sides as comedians. That's how you gotta do it, the light and the dark, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's clearly a guilty thing on his part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I will say, having seen the Bill Cosby picture, could you bring that up again with his wonky eye? The neat part about Bill Cosby


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that he really grew into his rapist persona. Like you see the pictures now of Bill and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, I was trying to make the argument that we were really good Catholics on the last episode. We are converting Nadav to Catholicism. He's Jewish, he wants to convert. I do think in our private lives we're really good people. Maybe that's why, because you and I can be so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible here and on stage. Yea, you're getting out. You're purging those demons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I'm going to celebrate this because I went to Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New challenge! For real, now at 42, you might be able to pump the brakes, but like at 22?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if I would go kick, cause how many great trans men are there? The Buck Angel? Will you Google Buck Angel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know who I actually have a crush on? Chaz Bono. Bono? Chaz? Chaz? I think Chaz is a very handsome fella. I- I think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I might date him. I mean, but what's the package? Cause I do need a package.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, now I'm confused, see, see, see, see, hold on, hold on, I don't feel good. Wait, when I look at that, like I see Buck, and I'm like, like my brain is, is shutting down right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm so confused, cause I go, the bottom half I'm like, yeah, that's like me, that's like a sister, like a girl I don't feel anything, and then from the waist up I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by our partner, whoo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try and sleep better, eat better and live healthier lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is, especially you and I have been on a big fitness kick and whoop's been such a valuable tool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and for our listeners today, if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot, there's no better time to give it a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For my listeners, you can save 15% off a whoop with the code yourmom. Go to whoop.com and use code yourmom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain, and sleep insights from whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so good. I like he goes, bitch, you don't even wanna be you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right in there. See, I fear that this generation will lose that shit-talking ability, cause they're like, you can't bully each other. Like, this is coming up the hard way, where you're like, fuck you, fucking mama, this and that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love too, um, hearing public conversations in Los Angeles, you don't get to hear


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there's the subway, there's just the street. One time I was walking to Gotham Comedy Club and the girl was on her phone just dropping the N-bomb over and over and over. My N-word, my N-word, my N-word, my N-word, and I was like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, I, that is one, if I have any regret in life, it's that we didn't do New York. Really? In our 20s. Actually the bigger regret is that if I had gotten better grades in high school, I could have gotten into NYU. Cause I wanted to go to NYU.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I could see myself becoming that lifelong New Yorker. What's her name? Fran Lebowitz?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, when I started headlining at the Funny Bones and Improvs, they would put me in all the urban rooms, cause I could do them. Does it mean I was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember at one point I called my manager and I was like, I, uh, I can't do the Cleveland improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, good. I had someone vomit in my showroom on Cinco. Cinco de Mayo is probably the worst day to do comedy, um, ever. And it was in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the one that's Cincinnati but it's not Cincinnati?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good idea. Cause Chris, he's always saying how he's a little bit gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love now is that the East Coast and West Coast comics get to see each other more because of podcasting. It's kind of nice because we never get to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what though, talent is always, the cream always rises. And I think like you guys, more, more of you are doing podcasts and we're all in the same world. It's all gonna elevate everything. You guys are so talented. Everybody's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, is there anything worse than when your lawn looks terrible and there's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patches that are just bare or worse, weedy patches or places where the dog keeps going potty on and now you just can't get grass to grow back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I discovered Sunday and it's absolutely changed our entire lawn sitch. I just went to GetSunday.com. You put in your home address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real things inside of this pouch, right? You get your seaweed, your iron, your molasses, all these natural ingredients. And all you have to do is attach the ready to use pouch to a garden hose and you spray and it only takes less than 15 minutes. So let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit GetSunday.com slash YMH to get $20 off your custom lawn plan and check out that's $20 off your custom plan at GetSunday.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How your character took off on YouTube and you felt like that wasn't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is wild. And now those shows with multiple million dollar budgets, their whole goal is to go and have a viral clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do. I'll see it on Instagram. I'll be like, oh, that was funny. That was a good thing. I'm not gonna watch the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the best. This was on TikTok. Uhm, it's such a great moment. And the best that that guy knows to just keep looking down at his phone. This has to be New York, right? I don't know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, my favorite New York bit ever was Greg Giroldo. He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got the code, you gotta write it down man. Are you ready? Okay. Is Y, is in yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think- So he's making claims. Oh, so Scott's making- I thought it was that Scott read so many books. Like, was that in one of your books, Scott?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let me ask you, as your representative of New York, what will happen to the Trumps, uh, socially? Are they just 86th from New York society?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you, my algorithm has been going, sad, alone, weird guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I thought was pretty neat. I've never seen that lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, definitely. And also, not a big selling point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you're not amazed that she can talk to the dead? This is a gifted person!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm amazed. I mean, and she talks to Michael Jackson. She also channels Marilyn Monroe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, $600 for fucking dirty shit panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I thought this was a nice palate cleanser, a sorbet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And then the next night, May 6th, I do stand-up comedy at the West Palm Beach Improv. And then June 3rd through 6th, Chomaha, Nebraska. June 11th through 12th, Chart Lake Titties, Pootah. We've added a show, I believe a Thursday there. July 16th through I think 18th, San Antonio, Tejas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next, Liberty Township, Ohio in July.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] faster, please Columbus, Ohio, August 12th, blah, blah, blah. Oklahoma city, Indian apple tits, Denver in October. And it goes on to Raleigh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A video or two today, I think. I'm not sure. I just barely put it on. I didn't have enough white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more the fact that, like, it's a, it's, uh, put yourself in our shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If someone's just like, Hey, yeah, I went on this ship. All the dudes fuck each other on Thursdays. Like, what's your reaction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a borderline sociopath, I'm actually quite non-expressive and I've had to train myself to be expressive so that I seem more approachable to others because when I talk and look at people the way that I do, they get kind of weirded out sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To actually knock me out using just the sound and the energy projection. Let me get this out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tonight in Omaha, Nebraska, the temperature is 51 degrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside, I am in the emergency room hospital because I don't feel real good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the temperature where you guys live at and what are you guys doing tonight? Have a wonderful and God-blessed night. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Jewish, but I'm what's called New York Jewish, which means Jewish, but for business purposes only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Jewish, but I'm what's called New York Jewish, which means Jewish, but for business purposes only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women. Oh, I love him. Cut to the chase here. Women should clean up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted. And I'm gonna tell you why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one of my chicks, I'd make her make me two coffees every morning. She'd make me two coffees and one I would drink and the other I wouldn't even drink. I'd just leave it to go cold. And she'd say, why do you make me make you two coffees? The second one's just like an insult because you never drink it. You just make me make it because you want me to bring it to you, but you're not going to drink it. And I said, if someone broke into this house at night, I will die trying to protect you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my job. I will literally risk my life. If we're walking down the street and a guy tries to grab your ass, it's on. I have to risk my life against Mike Tyson, whoever he may be. He might be strapped, he might have anything. I have to risk my life to protect you. That's my job as a man. And you have a problem making a coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it matter if I drink it? Damn. Does it really matter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like knowing that you do your job. If I need coffee, you're gonna do it. And you get to know that if it goes, if it ever goes off, I will do my job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't ring about one. You should see this. Women should clean up. Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted. And I'm going to tell you why. It's very, very simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in a world where things need to be fair. 50-50. Gender equality. Blah blah. I pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit. We go for dinner, I'll get my wallet out, pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill. My card always works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dropped a like, it's like six grand on like, you know, and I didn't, it was, it was a lot of money to spend, but I was like, this is good and they can fix this thing I've always been insecure about because when I was young in fifth grade, I had, my teeth came in before anything else and I had really big teeth and this one always stuck out and I got called a, a bucktooth beaver in class. It was like my thing. That was my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing though, it's subtle, because my teeth have gotten straighter just around, not that part, but the rest of them, and it's very subtle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think you'd shave your face if you had a full head of hair because you don't like your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was, you were probably really sorry and it seemed like it was so not in your character to do something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm into hot husbands. What? Like I like, I'm the opposite, like there's very few women that like the person they're with to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just need to feel, uh, very horned up and I don't feel that I won't have any sex unless I'm extremely horny with someone for the first time, you know? That's the only way it'll get me to do it, cause I don't drink anymore. Cause drinking I used to just be able to do it, but now I like, have to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get drunky with horniness to like put myself in that awkward situation of like hooking up for the first time. It's so scary. So I was hooking up with an ex for a really long time and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just say I did it, you know, preen up, clean, make it so we can break apart when we need to. And honestly, I would like to find someone forever, but I won't be sad if it ends in two years. I'll be thir- I'll be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if he doesn't, you'll stay away and only do sweet hauntings, like you'll like, you know, the water will get a little hot when he's washing his hands and you'll like, no, that's her. But then it will burn you if, if, yeah, she'll do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, we don't like the same thing sexually, like, we're not compatible in that way. How do you know? We talk about stuff, like, it's just, I'm not gonna, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I'm putting that out there, but when I say that, and if I, if I was someone who was bisexual and dated women, no one would ask me about my best friend Anya and say, why have you guys never hooked up? Even though she's beautiful, she might be bisexual, you know what I'm saying? So I feel like that way about Andrew, it's like, I'm, I acknowledge that he's an attractive guy, he gets hot girls, he, uh, is so funny and someone I like to be around, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am that. I like to be the, look at me, and I want my boyfriend to just sit back and just be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just being able to love me, like I have just loved myself, like I just learned to like myself. It's very late but I truly like accept myself and as dumb as that sounds it's like it happened over the past year where I was just like I'm just tired of trying to be someone else or like always like being like beating myself up about not being this or that or not working hard enough or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really accepted it and so now I feel open to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want a guy to be like, I like the way you like eat, like, uh, you know, runaway rabbit and like just like the way you like get excited about a Taylor Swift song. Like I want someone to go like, you're so cute, not like you're so funny. I'm already secure about that. I want someone to like love me and be like, you're just such a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is the thing. I'm into, I'm reading, I read this book that I'm very into that Whitney Cummings actually recommended to me years ago when she got engaged and I was like, how'd you get engaged? Like, what the hell did you do? And she was like, I read this book, Andrew's heard about this so much, he hates this book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's actually really good. It's called Getting Too I Do. It's the worst name ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my friends have read this book and I'm not joking if they are engaged to these guys that we're fucking, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally wanted this guy, he tortured my friend's life. She was like a heroin addict with this guy for years where I go, I can't be your friend anymore if you engage with this guy. Like I have to pull, I have to do intervention style. I was hoping he was going to kill himself, honestly. I know that's not hoping, but something would take him out because my friend's life, LinkedIn, that's pretty rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hoping, cause I thought he was so worthless, in pulling my friend down, I was like, this guy needs to just go away, something needs to happen. I wasn't hoping he'd kill himself, that is obviously an exaggeration, but I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he's the masculine energy in your relationship. You're the feminine energy, which is what I'm saying of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want your feelings to be just like, come here, let me just, he's not gonna tell you, he's not gonna give you advice about your feelings, he's gonna listen and hold you and let you cry. He, when he gets upset about something, he does kind of want advice. Like he might not want advice, but he wants, he's not, never,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in a relationship there's a yin and a yang, and in this book it's called Feminine Energy, Masculine Energy. Now that gets, that's complex because some guys are like, I don't want to be feminine energy in a relationship, but a lot of men are, and it's a fucking hot thing. It doesn't mean you're a girl, and if you're a masculine energy woman, which we are on stage,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it doesn't mean you're a lesbian, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's rarer for a woman in a relationship to be the masculine energy. But it's yin and yang. So yin being feminine energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only, do not say what you think, you know. But the thing is, you can say what you f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can say what you feel, you can say anything. You can tell a man, as long as it's true, men that's in a masculine energy are gonna get turned on by your feelings. So, when I felt in love with a guy, I've just been like, I'm in love with, I feel in love with you. And like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it like turns them on. It's the thing you think is gonna scare them the most. If they do love you, turns them, they love your feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the masculine energy, once, you need to respect the masculine energy, because here's the real deal, and this is where it gets controversial. This, this book is dismantling feminism, cause it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, so girls listen, I know it sounds weird, but just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk from a place of, and this is the part that's kind of mind-blowing, but I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to acknowledge as a woman, in a relationship with a masculine man, that for a man who's a masculine energy man, for him,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Giving up sex with other women to be in a committed relationship with you is a pretty huge sacrifice. It is against his nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More so than it is ours, I know there are women out there that love sex and like crave it and you're a masculine energy woman probably. It is against a man's nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because a man is supposed to spread his seed so that the village has enough babies because the winter's coming and they're all gonna die. So for him to stay with you, he's risking spreading his DNA throughout the tribe and so it's a huge sacrifice. So that doesn't mean he can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to honor him and respect the integrity it takes for him to not fuck other women. Not that he's not going to want to, but in respecting his integrity it takes to say no to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in the way you talk to him, in the way you respect him and treat him with respect, he will feel so much more attracted to you because he is doing, men love to be, to have integrity. So if you are like, you don't have to say like, thank you for not fucking other women, Tom. But when you want to talk to him about something that's a little bit like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thing you need to bring up about, like, your feeling a certain way about his behavior and it's gonna, you know, it's gonna irritate him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to ask him, hey, I feel like I need to talk to you about something Tom that's bugging me. When would be a good time for you to talk about that? Need to make it his decision to hear your feelings. And it's a tricky thing, but they'll fucking love it and they'll be able to handle your feelings much better if you schedule it with them. There's all these little tricks in this book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone to go, I'm not going to run when you get hysterical. I'm just going to hold you. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm not going to give you advice. I'm going to say, I'm sorry. I'm going to acknowledge your feelings. So in a relationship, you need to decide, do you want your thoughts respected or your feelings cherished? You cannot have both. You can get your feelings, you can get your thoughts respected on stage, on the podcast, in your work life with your friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can't have both in a relationship, and if you want both in a relationship, you're a narcissist and don't deserve anyone. You can take care of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a lot, because I don't know what I want, because I kinda want both, and I think I'm a narcissist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vagina hole. That I don't let- or an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say that too. Enough. And I should, my mouth hole too. I should not let guys in it before they're my boyfriend. That one's harder to just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just like, it's an easy way to get a guy off when you're fooling around and you can't have sex. So it's like, I do- I have given blow jobs before a relationship and I wish I wouldn't because you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We bond to their smell, the sound of their voice, and it is, we go through withdrawal. That's why women get fucking crazy after they have sex. Because you're going through a drug withdrawal. And it takes up to two years for that to wear off. That one time. So be careful when they go inside you. Or be blackout drunk so you can't remember it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March, March 2020 I moved into St. Louis just for a couple weeks because I was in between apartments. I was like, I'll just stay with them until this blows over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't get along sometimes, so it's also like if he's moving in and he's paying, we're living in this nice place, I'm paying more rent. It's a number. It's just a number that I'm paying much more of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he moved in with me, and then, uhm, and then I got a gig almost right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like February, I got, uh, offered this show that I can't talk about yet. I wish I fucking could. I'll tell you guys how fair it's the best. I heard the name of it and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got asked to be on with a great, like, platform, and then they were like, we're doing it in the Cayman Islands, there's no COVID here, you have to quarantine for two weeks. Oh, to work. Two and a half months or something like that, 75 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the, it was the best. And then I stayed for two more weeks after it wrapped because I was like, there's no COVID here. There's no tourists. This island is beautiful. It's empty. Hotels are cheap as hell. I was staying at a $4,000 a night suite for 600 bucks and just was alone in this resort. It was amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought my biggest fear was the clubs opening back up again and everyone doing sets every night. And I don't know if you guys feel this, like, everyone's gonna get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good, and I'm, if I'm not out there every night, I'm not living somewhere where you can just stand up every night and get on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'm gonna get bad. But I see these young kids out doing this, or hanging out the cellar, and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for them now. Like, I will go out on- I know what I need to do to get good, to get ready for something, but I can't do this every night shit anymore. So New York to me represents, if I'm in New York, I'm running around doing sets and I don't want to do that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never would have stopped if COVID didn't happen. I never would have understood that there's like, you can just like eat dinner and then like go watch American Idol and go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single night. For the last fifteen years. Like, I didn't do- Every night? Not every night, but if I had a night off, it was because I was like, so exhausted, I was sleeping at seven o'clock. So I didn't have evenings in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so bad. It fucking sucked because I was doing a podcast every day with Comedy Central because I- not getting on stage every night like I had been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just didn't have any way to express my feelings. I'm living with my parents. I set up a fucking karaoke machine in their house because I needed to sing my feelings. I needed to perform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just like, Taylor Swift really helps me get my, like, feelings out. I have a hard time accessing them and then they turn into depression and I have thoughts of killing myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I have one for like every mood, but like right in, like delicate and uhm, uh, all too well and cruel summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so that's what happens if I don't get my feelings out, like on stage or just in gentl- like cry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's a really abusive, scary way of describing what you were talking about, but like getting your anger where you go, you didn't need to chug me that hard. Like that wasn't kinky. That was like, cause you're still mad about the fight we just got in, but like you can take it out in other ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got super fucking depressed. It all went inward. And uhm, I like, I have the thing where I just get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people did, and that's why I like to talk about it. People have heard me talk about it on so many things, but if this gets to one person that didn't hear, like, I used to have like, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are times where I would be depressed and I'd go, I just want to think about killing myself. And I'd like, just like, fantasize about it and be like, mmm, and I'd go like lay in my bed and just be like, oh my god, just like, it's an out that I'm not gonna do, but like, it would be like a lullaby to me to go to sleep. This was different, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wouldn't, these thoughts wouldn't stop coming in. Like I wouldn't even conjure them and be like sit in them. I'd be like, what the hell? I'd be like, kill yourself. Or it'd be like an image of a gun in my mouth or up to my head. And I just like couldn't stop them. And then I just felt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, you know, co-hosted Jimmy Kimmel Live and the next week I was sobbing like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm a fraud. I don't even want to go back to stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'll probably talk to you during this time, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to process it with Gary Goldman because I was like, I need someone who's been there, like, who's checked themselves into a place for depression because I'm about to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents don't understand how sad I am. And that was the way it was in high school too. You know, I like was so depressed and should have been hospitalized, but it got to the point that was so scary that the state hospitalized me. So that was, I just showed up. I didn't go to the hospital because I just walked in. My mom and dad were frustrated with me being so sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I went on a walk and I just sobbed and I went inside and I was like, Mom, I'm gonna go to a hospital. I have the money for it. Like, I'm gonna go somewhere. And she was like, Nikki, don't! And she was like, come here! And then she just hugged me and then I was fine. I just needed someone to go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, to just be like, it's okay, and like, treat me like a baby, and like, kinda baby me, and not be like, no, you're, you're just Kim, Jimmy Kimmel, you have a theater tour, you have all these followers and fans, and you're beautiful, and you, like, I know, but I just couldn't understand it, and so I just got on, I eventually got on meds, and now I'm fuckin' fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm dumb to the fact of I know the truth right now. I'm starting to feel like I know the truth about life and it's fucking pointless and I should, I'm gonna have to kill myself someday, I don't know how, but I'm going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to shut that voice off and be like, no, get on meds. I mean, I wrote a tweet about wanting to shave my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Joe Rogan reached out to me, texted me and goes, Hey buddy, I saw your text. Like, are you, are you, are you tweet? Are you okay? I go, honestly, no, you're the only one who read that as like a cry for help, which it was. People were like, do it, shave your head. You look great. And I'm like, no, I want someone to ask me how I'm to be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so often on Twitter and Instagram people do cries for help and you go, oh god, because they have no one in their life who cares and maybe it would be nice to be like, hey, are you okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know I won't kill myself because I've lost, like my best friend has lost a couple people to suicide and I couldn't do that to her. Again, like seeing what she's been through and I couldn't do it to my family, seeing what people, so I have it like an agreement with myself that you can't ever do it. So yeaah, I would go to a hospital, I've no, talking about it honestly actually makes me feel better because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know if I did go to hospital, I'd probably talk about that too. There's nothing that I would do that I wouldn't. Maria Bamford checked into a place and is very open about it. And that doesn't make me go, I don't want to work with her. I'm always scared that people are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll, I'm smart enough now, I know what to do for it. You just have to talk about it. You just have to tell people and be like, I wanna, you know, I'm thinking about jumping in front of a train. I'm not gonna do it, cause that's the thing, it's like, I wasn't gonna do it, but it was just so soothing to think about. And it's fucked, it's not, it's torture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Like Andrew, we were talking about his anxiety day on the podcast. You used to be a mess. Your life was really torture with your anxiety, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't drink, but I smoke a lot of weed. And I wanna quit too, but I think the big thing for him was I didn't, I had not known of his anxiety of like having panic attacks about like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought he had a fiber from his grandma's, he was laying on his grandma's carpet, and he thought he inhaled a fiber. Awww. That's scary though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying- I'm trying to like write songs now, like- Are you really? Yeah, just like, because I just- I have feelings going on that I'm like, I don't wanna process this with like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being on stage and joking about something, yea, we can be really honest, but at the end there's always a punchline that makes it like, I'm not sincere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've never, and I love sincere art and I've never tried to make it and be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still, and I will do that, but I just want to try to write a song, like a real, like not a funny song, but like I'm learning how to play guitar, I'm learning how to sing, and I'm like, oh, it starts with writing a poem to get the lyrics, and it's just too humiliating. It's so embarrassing. Andrew used to write, like, this is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See this is why I don't express feelings. That's what I'm saying, that's why it's too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when we were in the Cayman Islands there was one night where I left him alone and so I went in to go, we were in the ocean swimming and the sunset was starting and he got left alone and then we met back up and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda teared up out there by myself cause I was thinking about uhm, just like my mom and how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So happy and I like that, that a, the ability to just turn it on for other people cause I'm like, then why don't you turn it on for me? Fake it for me and be nice to me. I have to, you know, I'm capable of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you find out that people, like, I've been hearing just becoming privy to talking to more production people that have worked in it and always asking like, who's the worst?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all know that like, the Ellen thing would like, blew the lid off of like, how someone could present one way and maybe perhaps be another way. But that's happening everywhere. People, beloved people that you, that we don't even know yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some that you go, you know, the ones that get kind of busted for being slimeballs, either sexually or like, and pretty much sexually, you always go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're actually not that nice to, like, anyone, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they'll be nice to other comedians, like celebrities, but if you meet them when you're just coming up, there's been a couple people I've met coming up or heard stories about that treated people really terribly as comics in general.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know where you're just like, oh it checks out, you're just an asshole. And like, you're cool to other comics and like, the back table at the cellar, if you stare at a table with that person, they're gonna be lovely, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I've heard stories in the past of people being so awful, and I just go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and, and it was funny cause my friend goes, she, she goes, uh, so and so is coming. And I go, you know what? I don't like that person. She's not been very nice to me. And she goes, oh my God, she's so nice to me. I really don't like her. And I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think she's a climber and only nice to famous people. And she goes, that's so weird. She, I'm not famous and she's been nice to me. Hold on, I'm gonna finish this before I get, because I can't wait for the reveal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't look at me. She didn't recognize me because my friend wasn't with the person that was, she was, my friend was writing for someone that she respected so then she or was deferential, referential to so she was nice to my friend. The other night she didn't even look at her and she thought she was friends and I was like, yeah, this person's a phony. Let's see who you think it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and I know her, obviously, like you are. I know. And she's there and she's with someone and I'm just alone waiting for a publicist to acknowledge me and let me walk this thing. I feel, I'm drenched in sweat, I'm disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm looking at her because it's the, she's about to look at me. We're about to make eyes. You know, when you looked at someone, when you know they're about to look at you. And so you go like, hi, you know, she catches eyes with me and she goes, Oh my God, how long have you been staring at me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In front of all these famous people that are next to us, and I go, Oh, I was just trying to get your attention because I knew we were gonna- I go- And I go uhm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when you, sometimes, there are people that do reach the top and set all the records and then, then what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm getting to the point where, you know, like you get like to the point of like famous, like where you're getting recognized, and stuff like that. It's like, I, wait, what was I gonna say about this? I, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyone that becomes famous and reaches the epitome of fame will get taken down and then you can have a comeback. I don't even want- I don't want Christmas to come yet. I don't wanna have my year. I wanna keep going up because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the thing is, it happened to me because I went from like, I was doing my first theater tour during COVID and then, and literally my ex-boyfriend sent me a, like a cake as a joke being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, see you later, clubs. And I was like, I wasn't even doing, I wasn't even talking about that at all. And I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even need to celebrate that and I don't want to even see that it's like jinxing it. And I like clubs. But I was like, I looked, I remember looking at that cake or whatever he sent and I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never not be, like, I can't ever be like, I'll, I'll never go back to clubs because I will, because Carlos Mencia is back, like, and you, there will be a time where you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good to acknowledge that because I didn't know that depression, you're right, that malaysia sets and you go, why these shows have been great, it's new to them, but if it's not new to you, it's going to force me to write more, at least write one new joker show, or just even a tag or something. Even a tag will do it. You can have a literally tag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom always goes, I'm sorry, I just love her. She makes me laugh in a way. I'm sorry. She'll say I'm sorry because she knows that I'm being offended. It's annoying, yea. I'm sorry, Nikki. Kathy Griffin, it's just she gets me in a way that you don't. I'm like, I get it. I don't need to hear I'm sorry. It acknowledges the fact that you know that you don't like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is there such a divine point? You can't go to the other side because she might just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the thing, why does he think he sounds good? Who in his life is telling him he's good? This is the American Idol thing, when someone goes on and they sound terrible and their mom is like, she sings like an angel. How did these people not have someone tell them they're bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you want what you really don't, what you're scared to receive. And then when you get it, you're like, oh wait, maybe you don't want this. Yes. But you do, you long for it. I do. But it's almost, you're too embarrassed to accept it because it's too vulnerable, it's too sincere. It's too embarrassing. It makes me go, ugh, it makes us go, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? He likes children crying. Like he'll be like this amazing- Not children crying. No, no, no, no, no, singing. Like a kid got hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well tell me like, I'm, I'm really asking this because I, I'm very jealous of someone that can actually get that out because I bet you felt better after you squeezed out a couple tears. What were you thinking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I've never been told you look young for your age, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, it's fine if I do, but I've never been one of those girls that gets told that. I think I will be eventually because I think I'm going to stop aging right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I want to. I'm going to. It's a choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just the sounds. But that's the way classical music is. Like, Kyle Dunnigan, do you know that he makes, like, classical music? He makes concertos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sent me one, cause I go, what are you, will you send me one? Cause I'm, I'd love to hear. These piano, whatever, like, just, like an, an orchestral production that he sends over. And I go, what inspired this? Like, were you feeling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, what do you do? What do you play? Do you like to play songs that you know? Do you sing too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, cause for me, I tried to play guitar when I was younger, cause that's what I wanted, I wanted to be like a pop star, if I could pick anything. And I wasn't good, my dad's a much better musician, really got, like, how, and he wasn't a good teacher, so he's hearing me and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be as good as me. And I'm just like, I just started and he's just like, you're just not, you can't do it. And I was like, I'm not good at this, I'm never gonna try. And then during quarantine I picked it up again. And I'm not as naturally inclined as stand up. You know when we first try stand up we're like, finally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stand-up journey to getting good, like the bombs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's meditative because you're focusing your thoughts on a thing and you're not letting it travel away. Do you guys meditate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you heavier in high school? Yeah, yeah. That was before I learned how to starve myself and then I was anorexic forever and now I'm just normal. Wow. But that was, yeah, I was a little heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't want boys to like me, so I didn't really care, I guess. Really? No, I wasn't. I was scared of boys. Oh, I see. So scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do love her. I'm like, I'm looking at her, she was very depressed that trip, just getting into like... Where were you there? I was in Paris and I missed my friends so much. I was like, gay for my friends. I would just listen to Matchbox 20 and think about how much I love my girlfriends that I was like, away from. That's super gay. I was pretty gay. I mean, I think I might be a little gay. I might be a little gay. But I, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to get- I don't- I don't want this energy around. I can't like walk out in something that might be skimpy, cause it's- even though he doesn't look at me that way, I just will feel like the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a pleasure delayer in every way of my life, like on, my parents used to always be like, why on Christmas do you never want to open, I never wanted open presents until it was like everyone else had open presents because I just needed to like earn it, I needed to wait as long as possible, I don't like to eat before other people, it's like, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like that with coming, like, I have this weird thing that I've been, I talked about on Theo's Pod, and then people have been writing me being like, that fucking worked, and I wanna hear if you'd be into this. What's up? I'm into when guys try to make me cum from finger, whatever, and they tell me, do not cum, and if you cum, you're gonna be in big trouble, and I'm gonna be so fucking disappointed in you, you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna feel better because I've saved up, like, like the way it is, like I have weird stuff with food where I just wanna eat when I'm starving cause it's gonna taste so much better, I'm gonna earn it, like, you haven't eaten for so long so you can really indulge and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we have more in common in terms of like, we don't feel the things that we get in terms of like, I maybe didn't earn this the right way, I'm a fraud, like, I need to, in order to, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't, you wanna be able to get things when you deserve them. Not before then, not a little too soon. I would never want someone to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should be performing at the Comedy Cell or whatever before I got asked. I didn't want things, I never felt, even though I probably deserved things, I never wanted to be doing something too soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I bet, you know what I bet he'd like? Christina? Yeah, sure. He's about to come and you like jump off him and go, no, you're not allowed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're like, cause I really love the stuff you've exposed me to. Really? I showed her your mom's fart the other day. I was doing cameos, and I did an impression of, uh, Good Morning Julia, for a guy that was, that hurt me on this, and it was so fun, I memorized it, and I did a really, I love the cast of characters you guys did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like thy doth protest too much. Yeaah, we all felt that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you thought you missed the question. I really, I go, are we live with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, this guy is- I honestly would rather get fucked by the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible. I want it to be a character in the bedroom like this, but I, and then not all the time, just like in certain really like horny times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's disrespectful, it's like, it's not protective of her, it's just too-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. But Andrew, when he enters our apartment, because I can't see the front door from it, he goes, he has to say, not a rapist, because sometimes he'd have his headphones on, and I go, Andrew? And he wouldn't hear me, and I go, I'm about to be raped, because it's someone not answering to Andrew, and I go, oh my god, and you really have that feeling, like, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was my answer to not having to do stand-up every night, just a way to express myself and not have- It's the fucking best, and I don't- you know, we don't really have guests or anything, we just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you like this show, I really think you'll like it. So I would, uh, I hope people would subscribe and throw it on. If you don't like it, unsubscribe. But like, give it a try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glad you appreciated, darling. Have a good day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a message from a ghost. A man. His name is Cory. He says he loves tractors. Oh. And he loves Toby Keith like stuff. I don't know what that means, but it might mean something to you if you knew him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let me know. I hope it connects with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm gonna tell you guys all my secrets until, uhm, something goes awry, then my whole account may go away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, good decision, good choice. But, and for those of you who think this is not real, uhm, it is. I, uh, started this, uh, accidentally because I was dating a guy who was into that. Uhm, and I sell my panties anywhere from 60 to 600 dollars. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, flavor. Uhm, so stay tuned. I'm gonna post, uhm, what I know. Uhm, and I hope I can help some of you ladies out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did your doctor go, is it gonna take a while for that shit to come back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you shaking your head? You say you got so many messages of support. How many messages of support did you, could you, could you count them on one hand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, I think everyone knows that English is the easiest language to learn that has no special rules involving tons of words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think it's cause it's hard to per- like it's hard to pick up on. Cause- Oh, cause it's like a quick short word. It's very quick and like, I was, I was watching all these pre-tapes just QC'ing it before we went to the live show, it didn't pick up on me. And then Annie saw it and he's like, you know, why is he saying one like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what are you talking about? So he noticed. He noticed, and then once someone else, like, it gets picked up on, you can't unhear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So excited to move out of my neighborhood. Like it's, every New Year's I was afraid to just always leave because you weren't sure what were fireworks, what were gunshots. I remember, I mean, I remember one time I was taking the subway to go meet up with some of my friends at a party and this homeless lady just says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna beat the shit out of a woman? Like, I don't know what you're saying. And then she started chasing me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, okay, that's kind of funny. And then she's getting real close and she's not slowing down. And then I just start sprinting. And laughing. And I don't, like, that's just living in Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah man, I think this is equivalent to like cracking a knuckle or something. You know? I think this is more of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he has enough restraint to not touch himself, but not enough restraint to not eat the dirt off the boot? Hold on a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if I talk to this lady, she'll like, keep me in my- keep me on my toes and like, oh, I didn't think of stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was waiting for her to actually spit it so that I could tell you if it is or isn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To answer your question, I'm not 40 years old, dude. I'm in my 30s. In fact, I'm 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, we got a bunch of new merch right now. Go to store.ymhstudios.com and get that hot new gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $225 off your mattress purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the classic, the uh, RPC fans only banger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know that it put us in a mood though. That's all I'm saying. That's uh, that's Fart Simpson and I think there wasn't a video edited by Clavicle, am I right? Am I wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We might as well get it, like, right at the top. I wanna tell you, what is amaze?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday, April 2nd, 6pm, Pacific, 9 Eastern. Go to livestream.ymhstudios.com to get your tickets. Now we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Friday, April 2nd, get your tickets now. And uh, yeaah, it's gonna be a blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's the breakfast of champions, of dunk champions shirt. And then there's the YMH Studios hoodie. And there's also your mom's house trucker hat. There are some Where My Mom's At hoodies that are. Oh, and they're beautiful. They're so sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's more, uh, new stuff coming that there's even, I'm super excited about this, but it's gonna be a whole rollout. So I worked with a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a top tier designer for a special collection of stuff. Cause like, I was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun to do like what we do with like the shirts and that, but I wanted to get like some primo designs. So I backed the truck up and worked with a really, really awesome designer and there's some items coming that like we've never had before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so chill, dude. She, uhm, she had some great design ideas, and then she also had some song ideas for the show. You're kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know a whole bunch of losers just like you who are like, it's St. Patrick's day. I could drink all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, St. Patrick's Day. What's going on? What is the history of St. Patrick's Day? Maybe back up and go to that drop down one. The people ask thing. We'll look at that one. Oh God, where's his song? The first one. The top one. The top one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we have all these fucking micks that came over and they want something to embrace so they're like, hey, it's fucking drunk mick day. You know, let's dye it, let's dye the fucking lake green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They spick it up real big in spick countries. That's what they're really big on. Festivals and holidays, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Spicks in Spain are most known for festivals and stuff. There's one called Las Fallas which is like Burning Man where they make these elaborate like float parade kind of things and they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they take them through the city and then they go to the square and then they set them on fire. That's fucking rad. I went to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, it's that nobody cares. That's like, the other, those spic fun ones, it's like they care about it, but the micks, they, like no one gives a shit about you. No one cares. Oh, you're a dumb drunk Irish Mick, and here's your special day. You know? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what, by the way, is there a more unbalanced, uh, like gender nation as far as like appeal than the Irish? Cause I feel like Irish girls are so cute in the accent and everything. And then Irish guys, you're like dogs. Jesus Christ. Dogs. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Of course. No, I know, this is like load making fuckin' batter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the anomaly. Those are like the creme de la creme, right? This is the top notch guys. Even that guy right there, he looks like a fucking DUI mugshot. Is that supposed to be his modeling picture? Yeah. I'm not too sure. Yeah, he's not. Oh, oh, he did. That is a mugshot, nevermind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, I like that they do that. Same. I remember even being, you know, it's 20 years ago, but I remember, remember? I remember. Yea, you're so hillbilly. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, uh, the lady that I lived with, this old lady, and her son was at the time 40, right? And her grandson was like 7. The three of them would be like, why do you dress like pigs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what? Cause he would go, the sun goes, it's just like t-shirts. I was like, yeah, yeah, it's super. Well, they think we dress poor. He's also like, this is, isn't this like what you sleep in? That's their thing. Like, don't you sleep in those? I was like, sometimes. Yeah. And then I'll roll right in the class wearing. Yeah. But they were like, that's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of- But you know, the extr- like, the- the truth is that that is kind of true. Because- It's totally true, yeaah. Ultimately, like, the biggest flex-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is uh, is like a billionaire, right? Yeah. And how do you like the uuuuuber wealthy dress? Like hollows. Like normal. Flip flops. Yeah. And you're like, the fuck are you wearing? You're like a billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Omaha. Yeaah, he lives in the same house for like 60 years. Yeaah, that's just stupid. Yeaah, he was really proud that he bought a Cadillac. I used Cadillac 20. He's like, it still runs. And you're like, you have a hundred billion dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna not go to college, alright? Alright you dumb drunk mix, here we go, opening clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In honor, he said, your booty, you want some breast milk, and he thinks you're just all, he acknowledged my existence, but he was like, I don't want anything to do with that. Nothing! I respect it. Can I tell you what I think the move is? I want to go visit him. And I know he won't be happy, but I'll bring some straight up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hoes with me. Like, real hoes. You know what I mean? And then I'll be like, hey uncle, look what I got. And then, and like girls who are ready to put their titties in his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, how great of a video would that be? Like, he sees me and he's like, aww. And I'm like, I got something for you. What'd you get? And then I open the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna make a banana split. And I bring out the corn chips, and the pecans, and the ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you the type of hoe that is interested in this gig? Shout out to us. Give us, send us a message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we actually, uhm, we got a, is it here? The message about it? Oh yeah, here. We got this. Ah yeah yeah guy. It says, uh, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Tad and Kristen, I don't know if you've discussed this before, but the Lele Ichiga is most definitely from the South Louisiana area. The accent is definitely Cajun. I grew up listening to my grandfather say ayayay all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, fortunately for mental wellness, his ayayay has never followed any conversations about eating buttholes sprinkled with corn chip crumble. Thanks for ruining a wonderful memory of a wonderful man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But ayayayas to you, Tam and Crystal from behind the wall, and you can bet your sweet banana-splitted ass I'm coming up in May. Don Cho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think there's, you know, in life you have to, everybody has to recognize greatness. You know, you have to acknowledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely gonna take it, and I'm taking, I'm talking like, ho ho's. No, I got it, I heard you the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like three hoes, you know what I mean? Like really overwhelm them with hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's always just talking about women. Just in women's plural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great time. There's so much. So, we're so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if I could bring one of those, uh, those girls and just tell him, oh no, this is Christina. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you remember uhm, the armless mukbang from last week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this woman's kind of, I mean this is remarkable, right? It's, it's quite a talent. Like these mukbangs are a, uh, mukbang is like a very popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. It's amazing. I mean you're seeing her, if you're listening, you know, she's got, you don't really, it takes a second for you to process, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So her right foot is on the, you know, like pressing the gas and the brake, and then her left foot is holding the wheel the way you would with your left hand. And she does it with her toes even. And she hits the clicker, like change lanes, flips it, and then turns it back off, goes back to driving with it. It's amazing. Pretty amazing. I don't even know her name. Do we know her name? Doesn't say here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we should find out. But anyways, that's just really impressive. Wild. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole, everything's cool here. I love it. The message, the gear, standing up for what you have. I love it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminded me of something that you would like. This is a supercut. A supercut of a lady whose man farts. Oh! In front of her. Kinda everywhere. I just thought you would enjoy it. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, this is a loving relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you let him? Absolutely disgusting. But she adores him. You can tell. Like sometimes you're around couples, someone does this, and there's like the disdain. She smiles at him every time he farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are like little t- I bet this guy weighs like 145.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I would, I would like, I would propose that you return the look. I'll keep farting, but you return the look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Even this last one, this last one he just ripped ass and she was like, oh my love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the fuck outta here with this. This is a big hard pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the things I've signed you up for are intense. What? And I don't think I should tell you on mic.