[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the way I actually found out about it from Mike Kennedy, a different comedian, and he sent me a link to it, and when I was reading it, I had read about other diets before, and you know, how people, obviously you try things, and it seemed like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, okay, this seems pretty doable. And then I actually saw that, uhm, some athletes were proponents of it. You know, some, some like high perform- like, uh, triathlon people. And I was like, oh, so these are people that, you know, that know nutrition. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you feel fuller and if you're somebody that is like a foodie, you go, well that's a whole world of deliciousness still. So for me it was like I get the satisfaction of eating that fatty food. It's not like nothing but fat, but it does, it is a higher fat diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, you can read all about it and, you know, some people are probably not into it, but whatever. I liked it. You learn things the whole time. The big thing, if you want to make some


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And you're, you know, you get glucose spikes, you get, your body just stores fat. It's, um, you start gaining weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, keto teaches you to reduce your protein intake. A lot of people think that you can just eat as much protein as you want, but excess protein causes that glucose spike too. And so, you know, I was somebody that would eat enormous steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, whole milk has sugar in it. Oh, right, right, right. But I mean, I was using a splash, but still, the thing is, you learn, you learn as you, with anything, you're like, oh, I was doing that part wrong. And then you just make your change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm better, much better. Yeah, I mean like I'm eating less food and eating a more, you know, clean way and I've had very healthy dumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that, you know, the hardest part was the first 72 hours. Um, I was telling today that we went to that podcast and you're like, just don't, cause I was snapping at people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was sugar withdrawal. I didn't know what was going on. I mean, I made the decision just like I was doing it. So I think it was more about the choice. I was like, I'm just doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't go, aw man, I wish I could have that chocolate croissant. I just go like, that's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you start to think, you think like that, you also go, especially if you've had some results.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know you look better. So much better. And you look in the mirror and you're like, this is way better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go into a store, and like, I just- I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See a cool shirt. I'm like, Oh, it doesn't fit. Yeah. It doesn't fit. I know you go, do you have another size? And it's like, that's the biggest size we have. Seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uhm, I bought a lot of nice clothes that's enormous. Right. You know, just because I was like, I'm not gonna not have clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and I think I'm about to have to get the next size down for the pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I definitely, like I said today, I'm not trying to be dramatic about it. I think I just want to live more like this, you know? Like, I don't have a really gold number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not really- It's really what looks- You get married to the number, but- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just go like right now, I go, I could lose another, you know, I don't think it's a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's a world champion fighter. So crazy that he talks like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So today Bert on Rogan was like, yeah, I don't know if you know this, but when Tom and Christine together, they're like the biggest assholes ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. You're fine. No, of course. Everyone loves Bert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kinda manic, wasn't it? I'm on the fence. Yeah. It seemed a little manic to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he does music now, he was an actor, maybe? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's uhm, where's this cheat sheet? There's this thing I've been wanting to show you. I didn't realize this was, it's so fucking great. So you know we've been talking about my dad and then other people do dad accents to foreigners? Yes, yes. So, and basically what we're talking about is like when my dad


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is around my mother. He talks normal, but when her family comes from Peru, he adopts a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in English, but like, with an Asian dialect. Oh my god, it's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. So apparently this is what this is here, okay. Joey Barton is an Irish soccer player who played his season for a French team. And he developed dad accent syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During a press conference and then the sports talk show back at home, can't wait to ask him about it. So they recognized that he was doing that. Uhm, and this is just fucking amazing. Dad accent. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they're setting him up, and that's how he talks obviously, right? You can hear his notable Irish accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing a press conference with the French press.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done that thing where uhm, I've thought about something I don't like in my act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a good, good sense of humor man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad goes, uh, uh, but Juan Luis, you, uh, you enjoy yourself today. It's nice, no? All the people there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah yes, Tio Tom is very nice, he's like the people there and he's like, yes, uh, uh, uh, Charo and I, we, we go many times, we very, very enjoy it. They actually, I think he's right, this guy that like, they think you're just kind of slowing it down. Yeah. They don't realize what you're doing either, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's sometimes you're just like, I don't know, just depends on, it's like the seeding dictates it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has to get down to a certain weight. He weighs less than me, just for reference, but uhm. He does? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, he might be a little more than me, but his baseline weight is way less than my baseline. Why less?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, anyways, if, uh, if he gets to the goal weight, I have to go with him on a fucking cruise, a four day cruise. That's the worst. I hate cruises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want- I fucking hate cruises. But I also want him to get to his goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, if I win, if he don't win, not win, but if he doesn't, we have to do a trip that I want to do. So I just try to make it something that he doesn't want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couldn't do that to him, but he wouldn't even take that seriously. I said Brazil, which I would love to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think even then he would be like, Oh, let's go see this thing. And we'd go see fucking Big Ben or something. And then I'll go back to the room, buddy. And he'd be like, Oh, I mean, we just got out here. I saw it. Saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to go to, you know, whatever Buckingham, uh, yeah, that's it. Big, just big. Ready to get, want to get something to eat? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That his brother lost a bunch of weight, right? Which one? Steve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, uhm, you know, Steve lost a bunch of weight. I go, that's great, man. Steve was never that big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, how do you do that? And he's like, you know, and the thing is he did it the old fashioned way, you know, count calories and, uh, you know, just kind of did it like that. And I go, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since he told me that story, he has told me that story ten more times. And every time he says it, I go, you already told me this. I know, I just like to repeat myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing with the retirement on the horizon. He goes, you know, you're gonna retire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Retirement. And, uh, you know, it'll be a whole different thing, you know. It's just the next chapter. Yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, like, I indulge it the first couple times, like, oh yeaah, and then the next 25 times I talk to him, you know, retirement, and stuff like that, I know, you've already fucking said this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so a bunch of people have sent in, uh, mommy and jeans ordering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just checking. Oh my god, super, super rude way to start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think also it should be how you negate any suggestion. In other words, can I get you something to eat? Nah, just glassing. Just glassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really great. Then, oh my god, you sent me this, uhm, somebody recorded themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't have it queued up already. Where is it? Recorded themselves. It's on YouTube, if you want to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He called customers jeans for a couple days, working behind the counter at what looks like a convenience store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't I start with my love for denim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot of denim. How much denim's out there? We love jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well, I don't know if we mentioned it last week. We have a waffle date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only treat that I've actually been like, I want to try that again. So we're going to a special waffle place. We looked it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kansas shitty, got the improv, five shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, live. By the way, the tickets are moving fantastic. We're doing it at the Irvine Improv, which is a big room. It'll be the biggest audience we've ever had for a live podcast. It's Sunday, February 12th, I believe it's 7pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to TomSegura.com, uh, or 1000Ranch.com, get those tickets. I'm in Oxnard, also known as Cox Hard California, next week, at Levity Live. Five shows there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, my big tour starts that I've been talking about forever, and I'm really excited about it. New Orleans, Atlanta,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clearfarter, Halle Hussey, that's my first weekend. Uhm, I haven't gotten updates on the, uh, new whore jeans and, uhm, Clearfarter, but I know, uhm, it's close, and I know Atlantis sold out, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scoop up tickets if you, uh, want to. TomSigura.com. I'm excited. There's a bunch of dates coming up. Please look them up. Jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got the update today that Washington Dickum, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My improv, Friday and Saturday are sold out. So I still have some Thursday tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's doing this? Well, I was in Orlando.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know we've talked about this before, and that is that every guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finds a lane to get laid. Absolutely. It's a biological imperative. And guys that you think are not out to get laid are just deceiving you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, describe this guy. He is, uh, looks like he's of Indian descent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, let's just say he's from that world. Uhm, he's got gold armbands, he's shirtless, he's got gold armbands, a big gold chain, it looks like my mother would wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A line painted on his head so he's like, no, no, this is, uh, you know, I'm, I'm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, my grandfather taught me this and this means that my, my cum doesn't dry quickly. I paint this line on my forehead. My cum doesn't dry quickly. Yea, it's all like nonsense. So he's made this video about threesomes. These two women are lying on the floor. He's standing, he's squatted over the middle of their hands. Looks like their hands are on his junk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're lying there like, oh, teach, teach us as well, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he has one hand in the middle of the tits of both girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's grabbing their pussies. He's grabbing their pussies. Here's the other thing that's crazy about all this. This, under the guise of I'm teaching, I'm making instructions, it gets you all these feels. In other words, they're like, we're helping, right? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just, I'm doing the, I'm trying to teach right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I mean, I don't hate on him, I just feel like he's definitely a bull, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God bless, as they say. Sign off. Good job, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes after people seeking it, which is smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know. I asked him, I asked him. I asked him, would you ever marry your mom? And he was like, no, I really would. I really would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do's that, that you want to do that lets you know what he wants, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good. I was going to say that we put this out there last week and big response. A lot of people are into it. A lot of people encouraging you to give it a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any thoughts on whether or not there's a chance that this could be on a special artwork?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the title of the special though? Well I saw when somebody made one that was like all caution tape and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he shrugged the shoulders and you go, I don't, funny shit just happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. He wouldn't even lay me that guy? I think he'd be like, you need to grow that hair back. Yeah. That guy would, on camera, absolutely liar, off camera, he'd be like, uh. Pig. No, he'd be like, something's wrong with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My vegan vagina. What about marrying your mom? This lady came back. Uh, you know about this lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got really upset about that. Guess what, uh, we have a gift for you. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously it's subjective, but I think it, you know, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, very exciting. We could do a, we could probably build one of, um, over time of just God damn it. I was thinking of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so I'm so glad you just reminded me. Uh, badglassen is the email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you go and you send an email to bad glassen, and there's no G in glassen, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Badglassen at gmail.com. Uh, I set up the email address. You send your, um, proof of purchase, like your email receipt from your purchase of the Just Glassen shirt. And if you got one of the first batch, which were Gildan, I'll send you a little something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I didn't know that they were going to be like that. So I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you got the second wave, you know, you got the right shirt. You got the glass. You can see your tag. Does it say Gildan? Are you upset about it? You can email me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we get to the other side of that lake pond and it says do not feed the herds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Fuck, I felt like such an asshole. Well, we didn't do it after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Follow up video on somebody we featured a few weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I actually knew, I was just, you know, I was seeing where we were at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of scent do you think he has going on down there? His mask is strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta show this to my parents next time they're here. See what they think of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you did. And I go, yeah, and you go, there's a guy out there just snowing his fingers. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a smells track by Dorian. I haven't heard it. Uhm, thank you guys for listening. Yourmomshousepodcast.com. Hopefully next week I'll be back here with a beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, uh, we appreciate you guys. Hopefully we'll see many of you in Kansas City this weekend. Anything else, Jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's still some space in the toilet, but I don't want it to overflow. Right. So, I've been using a bucket. Are you ready, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhh, definitely do Cherry. Alright. That'll be a maze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I can't wait for the- You know, I was listening to the show, and there was all these ads, and it's like, Joe Rogan does, like, three ads, and then he does three hours, and it's like, if he does it, how come you can't do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, stop. I think you were a fan of my, of my, uh, my flap wagons before I had a kid. I, I think you tolerate them now because they're the only set that you get to touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's boobs are you touching? Road dog, hello. Road dog, road bee. Get out of here. Now that you're all skinny. Just feeling myself. Throwing those skinny jeans around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I heard Filipino. I thought wouldn't it be funny if they were talking about my dad? Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you turn it down? Yeah. Yeah, that's better. Is that it? Yeah, there we go. That's much better now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much in a hard way do you have to be for that to be your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I don't know, I would shit. I would shit in somebody's mouth. That's not that big of a deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let me get this straight. How long do you think it took him to come up with the hammock system? How much trial and error?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, and I think too, if the hammock is just low enough that your feet touch the ground and it pushes your knees kind of up towards you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is Belize. So these are third world dumps these chicks are taking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I think about it, you know, same with these guys who liked getting kicked in the nuts, uh, these guys who like getting farted in the mouth, shitting in the mouth. These are all dreams of yours. Super easy money. All your dreams, yea. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But these, they, he should have also said don't talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a, so wait a minute, so they poop in his mouth. That can't be good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Can I guess? Wait, before you do it. Okay, here's my guess. Obviously a white guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reddish brown hair, kinda like the stapler, the swing line stapler guy in, uhm, office space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reddish brown hair and disgusting facial hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Well, uh, he's not out of shape. I imagined him out of shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For DUI and gun possession. The thing is, ooh yeaah, this guy's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're gonna let some chicks shit in your mouth, do it in the first world because I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, he must be worth a lot. That everyone had that. Well that's when you go to Belize and get girls to shit in your mouth. Because life is no longer exciting for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was gonna offer Jeff Tate some feature weeks, but I'm not gonna anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but I've got a better personality than you and I feel like he'd want to hang out with me more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was talking about that last night. I don't know how it came up, but I thought to myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's obvious that I have a better personality than you, and it must be hard being you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My first day at L.A.D., like I'm just more fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sulky. Yes. Yeah, I am in, I am, but not all the time. No, but most of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not like a, you know, bimbo free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The filtration system in our house isn't working. Who demanded that we pull over and get water before the show? Me. You didn't even notice that shit because you don't care!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the personality champ. So, as the personality champion,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because my personality is just more loving and kind and giving, I'd like to discuss your weight loss some more. Everybody wants to know, how are you feeling? How'd you do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like after glow, because you have so much good reason to glow from this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did great. I was so nervous, by the way, I was watching on, um, Joe Rogan's website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was sitting in this room along with the dogs just like freaking out biting my nails because Burt weighed in first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've known you for 12 plus years now. I have never seen you this laser focused, this disciplined, and this determined to win. And now I've seen you focused, like don't get me wrong, you're very disciplined, even keel dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this was, I was scared a little by day, the second day of the second day was worse. I was getting a little nervous that something was going to go wrong and that we'd have to go to the hospital or you'd be sick. So the night, tell people what you did before the first way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shaved your back down, nice and dolphin smooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes you did. And I was sitting in the bathroom with you, keeping you company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You called the guy to come and make the hot tub hotter so that you could sweat more. Now at which point I was getting nervous because you're basically dehydrating yourself, which you're used to because you don't drink a lot of water in the first place, but you were professionally dehydrating yourself and you're not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not a professional boxer, like you just have this email from this dude and you're like, I'm going to drink distilled water and poison myself here. So, and you did it like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other perspective is, you're sitting at the dinner table, little jeans, baby jeans and I, we're trying to like have a dinner and you're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, one thing I noticed that wasn't in your regimen was a good old fashioned, uhm, taking a shit. Like you didn't do the- Yeah, a dumb clang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, I mean, do boxers shit in addition to sweat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say that, but you'd be surprised because I accidentally drank some dieters tea in college and I wasn't eating a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys worked very hard and to, to Welch on that bet would have been really shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you guys ordered like pizza in Joe's studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that wasn't your jam, cause your jam is sweets and you haven't had pastries in like months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the very first thing we did, we got in the car and we found you a waffle place. Yeah. We got you Chucky Croissant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found that just taking three bites is enough. Cause like, oh, I enjoyed that. And if you go any further,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're just punishing yourself. You're kinda overdoing it and then you're not gonna feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very exciting. And then day two of the weigh-ins, I remember I was sitting in my car and I was watching on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had to pull the car over and like scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was telling Burt that he should be sweating it out. And I saw your look, cause I know you so well, the look on your face of like, no, no, no, she doesn't say anything to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought, oh my god, if Burt goes home today and goes to sweat it out, he could take Tom. Cause he had to win, he had, he just had to overtake you by two and a half pounds. That was the bet. And he could have done that if he took a shit or sweat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he fooled you on the day of, he's like, I jogged here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do want to talk to Leanne about this and get her perspective if she's mad at us or thankful. I can't, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she and her wonderful Leanne was like, well, you know, Burt's gonna do what Burt wants to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, okay, I guess that's not a no. Cause that means keep shaming him, it's working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Which is true, cause yeah, a bird's gonna do what a bird's gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to tell you, if you haven't done it yet, do it, because you feel-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, nobody asks! Nobody goes, what's the- what's the double- what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. And then chicken fries. That was in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well these chairs, like you've said before, they're not conducive to farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in Man Friend Disco Fluid Bonding with Jesse at the Punchline Comedy Club and I'm doing something special. I'm doing a pre-sale. Pre-sale. Just for our fans. Pre-sale, pre-sale, pre-sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Wednesday, that's the day this episode drops, between 10am and 10pm, you can go to the Punchline Comedy Club dot com website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your tickets, uh, use the code JEANS, J-E-A-S, JEANS, JEANS, JEANS for one day only, 10am to 10pm, Wednesday. Get your tickets in advance. You get, you know, better seating and just to make sure that you get the tickets that you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a smaller venue and I think we're gonna sell a lot, so go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, other dates coming up, February 12th. We only have a few tickets left for your mom's house live at the Irvine Improv, so if you want to come, you better get them because they're almost gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 13th through 15th, I'm at Brea at The Improv. May 4th and 5th, Thartnicks, Arizona at Stand Up Live. May 19th and 20th, New York City at Gotham Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jew dork titties, go to thousand ranch dot com for tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I forgot, I just added two local shows in LA. If you're in LA, come see me on February 17th at the Hollywood Improv. And then the 18th of February, I'm at Flapper's, Flapper's Comedy Club, 8pm shows on both of those. Go to ThousandRanch.com. Yeah, yeah, 217 and 218.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor women. Could you imagine that's your way out of this country, out of Russia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. She's like, I like money. I mean, I like you too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or they meet the guy that invented McAfee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a win-win. I gotta shit. I like to sit down when I shit. You've got the hammock. You've got the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes it fresh out of the oven. That is just wild. How does he not vomit? Do you think he eats the shit or he just spits it out? He can't eat it. He can't eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But shit, I feel like every day I get shit on my hands changing diapers, so it's like, alright, I'm knee deep in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't allow me to like laugh when people are genuinely terrified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the end of the excuse. So, you LOLs at this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, that's a neat, thank you for playing this, really fun. Also what I like is last night, I go to bed before you, I always do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, you go, I gotta watch my shows. And of course- I didn't say-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna watch my shows, and I go, murder? And you go, yeah, I go, what part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you want to watch murder, killing, sociopath stuff right before bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it's gonna affect your dreams. It seeps into your, you know, unconscious mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, it's in my mind, cause I'm sleeping and I can hear all this stuff like, they found blood on Teresa's naked body. Her dismembered head found in the courtyard across the street in the apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, but no, cause you like the shows where they're like, and there hasn't been a crack in the case in 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. I even have to ask you to turn it down about five times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you watch dumb shit. My favorite thing you've been watching, cause it's football season, are these interviews they do when the team either wins or loses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the interviews are stupid because if the team loses and what they do is they card out the poor son of a bitch who played his heart out and lost and now he's completely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you guys won. How did you win? Well, we practiced a lot and that's what made us win the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, of course, they won because they prepared better and they fucking won and the guy who lost, you know, he feels like, shit, let him be alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, I don't know. I get so fucking bored. And the worst are when they try to make jokes. They do the playbacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, cause I don't understand the context. All I hear is, that's how that guy does that! And then they're like, why are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, the sports center, they need better writers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then another thing that really chaps my ass is how unattractive 98% of those dudes are on these fucking panel shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And never the women. Like, these fucking basset hounds are on TV. Decrepit, old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, but she barks at the sky, she barks at nothing. Oh, that's true, that's true. No, no, no, no, he would be at the window thing. Uhm, what was I talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and if you look at the sports casters that are female, the ones even down on the field, they have fucking tendrils in their hair, perfect makeup, it's blizzard outside, and she's like, how do you think the thing went today? And she looks amazed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But are they like actual athletes or former athletes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, I do say that because there is such a double standard. I mean, Jesus Christ, and if, fuck, it's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, my question is, what's wrong with three or four guys getting together in a room with a cage wearing latex and dog masks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, Australian or Kiwi, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel like you already know what your cock and balls and your asshole smells like? I've gotten a bit of a, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you need, um, to take time out of your day. You know what was super fun doing this week since this clip, uh, came into our lives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd be like, Tom, can you do something for me? If you have a minute today, and then you'd be like, what? I'd be like, put your hands down your pants. And just take a sniff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause you fell for it a few times, which was super great. I'm like, Tommy, can you do me a favor? And you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this is, see even this one I can understand. This one I get, I love dogs, I understand that. I don't understand getting shit in your mouth, I think that's gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't want to smell another guy's ass, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go to New Zealand or Australia, wherever this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sign up for Pup Class. I want you in full latex outfit, mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every morning you wake up, you have your coffee, and when you feel it brewing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over pup training? Ugh. Now what if you're the one who's getting shit in your mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a McAfee or pub training. Babe, it's just simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to pick one, it's the fucking rules. It's would you rather, so you have to pick one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't put your finger in your asshole. You don't, you don't have to put it in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You smell, but you smell yourself all the time. I don't need to, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, say thank you to Megan and Megan. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, listen to That's Deep, bro. I talk about Cameron Dallas this week. I don't know if you've seen that kid on Netflix. He's a social media, uh, star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and I talk about discipline and your discipline for losing weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff like that. Take emails. This guy says he's a sociopath and he's a 30 year old virgin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And he wants to know how to get laid. So that's on this week's episode of That's Deep Row. Check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like an X-rated show, but it's like... R-rated. It's probably R-rated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quick, man. Over here, see the rapids? Here? Man, you got a little over-inched. That's nothing. Look at Spencer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. Cause you guys disrespected Decora, and you also disrespected Davenport. Yea. Let's see what else we got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Skycam. Oh, look at this. We'd like to thank our sponsors at Orton Homes. Yes. If you're looking for a house and you have money, contact Orton Homes and they'll help you get it. And if something breaks, we'll put duct tape on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom and Christina, off your mom's house palm candy show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also want some cool stuff, slick stuff. I probably uh, a Dr. Pepper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To help Olga understand his English, Gary speaks to her with a Russian accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, same shit, different toilet, but, uh, I've got, uh, Oh, I'm sorry, can you hold on one second? I'm sorry. Hey, case!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When are you gonna bring me back my staple gun, man? I'm trying to finish a gazebo! God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so sorry about that. I had a phone call there. Uhm, I've got orders for a couple different people, but it's all on one ticket. Is that okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let the conversation begin here. I'm gonna start with the, uh, the buffalo chicken tenders, or the spicy chicken tenders. Now, do you have two in you, or do you have three in you? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, I'm gonna get that with... I'd like everything on it except...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, then my mommies, let's see, they're wanting just like a cup of soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's just do the cup of chili. Okay. Yeaah, that's beautiful guppy. Uhm, and then... God damn!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I think I just need to get just one drink. I need a large Diet Pepsi. Uhm. Can you put no ice in that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I need to finish up. There's two young gentlemen behind me and they're looking to order, so I think I'm gonna fill her up and seal her shut here. What's the total? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Meat Rattle, and then September 28th in, uhm, Dorkland, Oregon, at the Hiriam Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 4th in, uh, Phallus, Tejas at Hyenas Comedy Club. October 5th in, uh, Pustin, Texas at The Secret Group. And then October 23rd, Indian Appletits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indian Appletits, Indiana, at Morty's Comedy Club, October 24th, Cincinnati, Ohio, home of the famous Cincinnati fart. I'm so happy to make a pilgrimage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, mommies, listen, listen, are you shopping on momazon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you are because like us, you don't go to the store to buy silos of toilet paper, which is what we have delivered to the house instead using the Amazon subscribe and save feature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So please use our banner, go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, do your shopping as you normally would, it just kicks back some change to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been watching him on Netflix with the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He feeds squirrels, uh, during the show. I love that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So European. This is how my dad dances to claps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I wish she was more open to sharing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this guy, actually this guy, my dad would be like, oh he's gone the career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does he do all day? It's him on the boat, him in the pool, him fucking around. Somebody in the comments wrote, all this guy does is dance and fuck his daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know what he is? He's a professional douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that? Yea. And he's like, this is a throwback from 2013.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haters can hate, but I'm loving my life. It's like, well, you're kind of baiting people cause you're like nanny nanny pooh pooh, look how great my life is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when people shit on you for being a douchebag, you're like, don't be a hater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, he's a little bit hot. You know who I like who did it cool was like Richard Branson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over the top, but in a cool way, like there was a photograph of him, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that called, water skiing with like a naked model strapped to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, this is the coffee animal lady. Her hair is a little longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you this, I do know that urine therapy works for cancer patients.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but you do feel like I'm one step away from that, right? Like 10 years I'm going to be like, Tom, we have to do the urine colonic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I could, can I have some of your coffee? I've got so much water here, I usually don't have coffee, but may I borrow some of your dirty brown liquid to drink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, as we all know with these YouTubers, audio quality's piss poor, the background, she's against a mirror and then a dirty room with like sheets on the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need a tutorial for these YouTubers to make decent videos. Sound quality, the music usually bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I like when she goes, babe. She goes, I- I peed in-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to let it separate. I read about this though, the urine drinking. You have to let...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a sip. For my Yorkie sips, I'm a marathon drinker. We did drink the ant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember, uhm, do you ever go to Europe and they would have the pots next to the bed, the piss pots? My nana used to do it. What? My nana, even when she'd come to visit us in America, would piss in like a, what's it called, a night pan. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? She would piss in a fucking night, they're called night pans, and you keep them by the bed, it's European styles, and you piss in the pan, and then, I swear to God. Wait, why did she?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course we would. My father was like, what are you doing? This is totally fucked up. And she would just, I like it this way. But she would also wear a wet bathing suit and sit in the kitchen in the summertime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did actually. In the summertime we had a tent and she was sleeping in the backyard. My nana did prefer the tent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was cool, it's cooler outside in the summertime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, we talked about this on the, I believe the Patreon episode, is how running the AC is a sign of having money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not my dad. He had the swamp cooler. So the whole place was damp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. My parents the same way. Close the door, the air conditioning is on. Well, I mean, some of it's gonna leak bro. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the swab cooler made everything damp. So you wake up in the morning and it was just damp. The carpet was all dark, like wet and cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, she just settled on the swamp cooler. That was as far as she could push him, cause he was cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yes, and do you realize when you and I got together and we lived on Karandale,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you would run the AC all summer? I thought it was the most extravagant thing I had ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was downtown LA cooking, just stinky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a weird apartment. And then sometimes one time we went for a trip, we came back, the shower was just running. Full blast. Hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe you weren't there that time, cause that's the first time I noticed that Jose wasn't, there's a couple screws loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, it's so weird. He didn't mention that he made that for me. That's really nice. Thank you, President.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the first time I noticed Jose wasn't that bright because he kept explaining, he goes, this is what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he, he and his wife Linda, sweet people, Linda was, she had yeaah sweetie, spanakopita, I love it. And she'd come over and I'd just made spanakopita from Trader Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had trails, like liner trails, like uhm, plastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Work harder, you know? Oh my god, she's gonna drink it? I'm gonna throw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's this stuff called Robitussin too. You can just go to the Rite Aid and pick that up. It doesn't taste like urine. Tastes like cherry. It's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The balls are the buffer so that I don't lick your butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta let me get, cause it's awfully hot around there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do because I want everyone listening to hold you to this one because now that we've rescheduled it so that you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason we rescheduled you, just so everybody knows, he's not a chicken, cause I had some listeners come up to me at the comedy store and go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Bunz isn't going to get a colonoscopy. He's a chicken. And Ari Schaefer texted you, you know, bonk bonk bonk bonk chicken. It's not because of that. It's cause Tom had some tour thing scheduled. It would, and it would kind of fuck up the colonoscopy because you need time to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're gonna, you have to take that drink the night before. So 5 PM on, you're going to be shitting your brains out the night before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so October 27th guys, everybody lock buns in to this one. There's no getting out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I disagree. I think that's, this is the right way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put him in on all fours. First of all, you put some alcohol in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, just buzzed. Have a little wine, have some candlelight so that he's not embarrassed by what it looks like, cause I'm sure his asshole's not as pretty as Tom. Right, right, right. Put him in the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just shove your face in there. But that's not how you do that. Put him on his belly and be like, I wanna give you a massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then put him, put his knees up and then I guess do it that way. Give him a rusty trombone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretend it's a massage, a back rub, and then, then just shove your face in there I guess. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay, let's find someone with your thumb. Like that maybe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's when she shoves her face in there quick before he has a chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, can I not see this ever? I don't want this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought of it makes you happy. Uh, one person wrote in saying that they agree with you. Actually, I won't exaggerate. Exactly three people emailed a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saying that you were right, that that was funny, and then they submitted some horribly violent videos that we can watch and judge for ourselves. Is it funny or just horrible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's different than the guy's pain. Are you laughing at the sound of the man's pain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that, maybe that's my problem is I have what's called empathy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we watch the video again, please? And then I'd like to see the other videos that were presented to us and we can watch for ourselves and see if it's funny or just sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's really funny? I don't- Pretty violent, babe. And he's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause he's a fucking hillbilly, he's an idiot. He deserved that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was self-inflicted dumb, dumb. That was his own fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You empathize with a Tannerite shooting retard who shoots his own shit off. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, when people shoot explosive things in their own backyard, you're like, what are you doing, bro? Like, it's not a smart setup. You know, getting attacked by an animal is a different story. Getting accidentally crushed by a car is a different story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The indifferent, aaah. Oh. Haaaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's number one, if you're gonna do tomfoolery like this, get the fuck away, dude. Don't stick around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, now if you did that, what happens? You get sent to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's true though, isn't that weird how he did kind of grow up and then blew up a bunch of bridges in Vietnam? Probably, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he just liked to play with duct tape, so we'd call him duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do, after we feed them, they lick your hand, like, look how much water I've been drinking. Just look at the lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm reading the topics that I wrote down for this episode and I feel like you're not doing the cool stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta pull it up. If I put my phone up here, it's gonna affect the recording and you're gonna yell at me. So I can't. You have to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you have to just Google Amazon, can we take a joke? And it's there on the reviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First time, second facial you've had in your life. Yeah. And you went to the Russians. Second in 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she butchered you, right? She massacred your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, on the one hand, I'm sure the producers of Can We Take a Joke are stoked that people are watching it and reviewing it. On the other hand, they're all crazy reviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do like the blonde jokes. He was really, really, really amused by them. And I love the Polak jokes. I think Polak jokes are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he likes it, but he likes, uh, more racist stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it does come from their military being bad. I remember I asked my dad this question when I was a kid. I think it's cause their military was so bad that that's what it started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you noticed that one of the jokes was about the Polish military.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's because they're notoriously bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't make sense. Well, at least they got some. Hungarians don't even have anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really crazy. Your dad, we should just read him jokes all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how he tells you, he goes, I like Tommy's jokes, I like his stupid face. He makes a stupid face. That means he thinks you're really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad will never be like, oh, I love that thing. Like how your parents are like, I love it, love it, love it. No. It's not stupid. That's like the highest compliment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he makes like a stupid face. I like his stupid face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's telling you what he likes. He likes your silly expressions you make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm afraid of butt holes. Look, I have a phobia, I do, of butt holes. I don't want to touch it, lick it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you, but I won't touch your butt hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. I like how she's like, I got hired at Yale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put your finger in your ass. Would you put your finger, your own finger in your ass? Would I put my own? Is that a nice compromise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, was that you? I just saw a missed call from that number. Is that you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it was T-Buns. Oh my god. I'm sorry, Christina, but am I wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the water won't go down. Yea, that's what he said about the tub though too. And it's clogged up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cincinnati was great. Thank you everybody that came out to, uhm, Liberty Township.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend, I'm in Manly A-hole, sometimes called San Diego. Every show is sold out except for the show we added. I added a show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I can pull this up. I'm still coming to Magoobie's Joke House, that's in Timonia, Maryland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's the greater Baltimore area, so balls and whores, please come see me. Then come on our bus, uhm, Ohio, August 11th through 13th. I'm definitely coming there. Uhm, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and the reason was because of this thing I'm doing that I haven't given permission to talk about yet, but we moved it to October


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laughing Derby and loose her tits still. Kentucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 10th, 12th, 10th, 12th, and then the Trocadero Theater in Fill Her Up Delphia, Pennsylvania. We added a show. It is November 18th. That is on sale now. Jeans, what do you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then later, well actually next week, Top Dog and Charo are going to be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because I hadn't showered since, because that went from show to the hotel. I had an early flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It stayed in there for 15, 16 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't ever, like as much as I am somebody that will eat definitely garbage sometimes, I never do the morning trash. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna talk about when we'll see the steroid guy? I haven't seen all of these yet. I wanna see what he talks about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about his question? Would you rather see balls hanging lower than the dick or dick hanging lower than the balls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it starts out like when they, they do the unzip, right? And the girl's like, ooh. And he's like, yeah, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what happens is, you have such a, I think a jump in testosterone, that your body's natural testosterone output decreases, right? Because you're pumping yourself with unnatural amounts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the jet black, unnatural hair, that's not his hair. Uhm, yeaah, like the tattoos that are just running all over, like nothing about this guy is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To see if like talking about his dick and balls would entice her. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It only took a few minutes. I was back right away. It wasn't, it wasn't long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I'm too dumb to know. But that's why I'm going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is like the difference between the good ones and the not so good ones I figured out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tell them the big news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is that I talked to Bart and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what it's about. We're splitting the costs, we're splitting everything in it. It's really about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. Uh, you can ask anybody, hey, if were you at the Liberty Township shows this weekend, people were seeing me drinking bottles of water, people were like, you're the fucking water champ, people were yelling it out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I guess. If, uh, on the last Patreon show, nobody said, I thought they were going to be like, ha ha, and they were all like, what's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That outfit is like, it actually, it's just part of that outfit, right? There's a black shirt with gold lion on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, come on, I have it. Give me the fucking water. Oh, interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ordered double pipe classic shirts that haven't gotten them, that they're all coming out this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're, you're like a donkey, but you're also like, uh, sexless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree with that. That's an honest statement. That once somebody says, call me this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I remember. Uhm, okay. So far I'm on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's- Are you tits or balls? Yeah. Are they small balls? Yeah, do you like when you- do you like cocks that hang below balls or balls that hang below cocks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels this guy's thing of like, just always ask is not a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I mean. Yes. I think, I think that what you need to ask of somebody is respect people's pronouns. But to be like, start going around asking people's pronouns. How about you volunteer? Yeah. Especially like, if you know people are going to assume. That you're one


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend a lot of people were asking and, you know, I had a press schedule, I had to see family, I wasn't able to go down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason for that is not just because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that it's yours, it's that your brain alerts you that this isn't going to smell good and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'd have to have a mask on so I can't see her. Like I have to, you have to put other visuals in front of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be really, really something to just say like, hey, just go perform. I think if you were just like, don't, if you, if you go abstain,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, and then you just have her like, you go, I'll just close my eyes and hey, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I wanna like, you know, bring her a cup of tea or something, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And someone's like, wait, what? And he's like, oh, I date really old people. But still, they all die within a few years of you dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, showing the place to people like, hey, look at all the space I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't know, I think, I think basically dirt goes on the casket and you go, I'm single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got, uh, fan mail. Somebody, uh, wrote in about the cookie thief last episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, I asked my wife today if she wanted to hear a really funny fart, and she said no. Nope. Then it happened, she said, how did you know it was going to be funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, uh, oh listen to this. The poop bag pillow case story that was told in the last episode was also referenced in episode 19. Oh my goodness. The validity of hearing the same brown story twice helps me trust Tommy's poop pile story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Cat House was there. So? He saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's like it's really been, it's been pretty awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know. There's a lot of pro athletes that have had their careers derailed by toe injuries. People don't really. Yeah, sure. Because if, if it's that bad, if your big toe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Christine's the one for you. Would you rather toss Tommy's salad after he farted? Nope. Next. Or shave his butthole after a devastating number six?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this one is so horrific that I think I would dive into the most disgusting of all choices and be Burt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you have a shit, Phil. You never wipe, ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slamming her. Thinking about that guy's tiny little balls. While my big balls slap against her old broken body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My god, I want to kill him. When somebody's like, yeah, yeah, we can talk. I'm telling him and he's like, yeah, I'm calling you from another number. Hello? Jesus Christ. What does it take for you to answer the fucking phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife doesn't, I told her you were there, she wanted to ask about those cigarettes being put out on my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because we went late, this is what I told you, I've been drinking, I've been smoking, Waffle House is right next to the complex, the hotel complex. So, we're walking back, there's a guy, he's like, I bet you can't jump over the fucking parking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in the moment. I was a little drunk, I was a little high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I wasn't, I mean, I was, I was enough, I was suggestible. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Anyways, thank you guys for listening. Yourmomshousepodcast.com. Please go to TomSagura.com, not just for tickets to live shows, but for the very important Burt is Fat shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those will be up soon. Or they'll be up when you listen to this show. Okay? Lots of love. We'll talk to you soon. Bye, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't hear you. No you didn't. You did it like a dad. HUH?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? But I wasn't even going, Tom, I was just talking to somebody else. So weird, like everything's about you, Dad. Okay. That's what dads do, they're always confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, this is super in the future, but December 9th and 10th, Washington DC, Washington, uh, the DC Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of crazy shit out there. Super fun. Uh, also, hey now, do you shop on Amazon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use our banner, go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, and do your shopping as you normally would. It just helps the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They live up to around 45, I bet. I'm old for a retarded person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my least favorite. Now, did you think about what 20-year-old retarded people do during the day? Twenty-five, I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't discriminate. I'm very curious about their lives. I'm very curious. I don't know any retarded people besides you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had to change a 100 year old lady for her birthday party. Shauna, my friend Shauna and I did. And I'm saying the story and I'm so sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 134 hours, you know? 140, I don't know, I was 16, so yea, 30 years ago. So anyways, we took her top off, she's in the, no, we stand her up, which I'm sure you're in hotspot, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the side, it was hanging out of her panties. And we just saw that it was hairless, like it was a hairless meow, and it was flabby and droopy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's horrible. Why would you trust a teenager to do anything? Well that was the 90s, that was a different time. Man. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you could make it? Well here's why. Is that your invitation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you always gotta take it a step further. And you were like, why don't you suck my stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's why I passed, because you haven't showered in two days, which wouldn't even be that bad, but you've traveled, so you flew from balls and horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday, which means you probably didn't shower and you had shows the night before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today, after we had the tempting offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, people tweeted it and I don't care because I don't think it's true. And who's coming out with the study? Listen, I know for a fact, don't even get me started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny, my dad doesn't know how much I weighed at birth, but he knows how many beers he drank in Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, so I asked my father, who are my godparents? I don't know. I forget. How do you fucking forget?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is one day my dad's friend Willie and him in Miami in South Beach at Nicky Beach, they sat outside and he loves to retell the story regaling me that he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, when you grow up with something, you don't even, it doesn't register as odd until you're an adult and then you don't live your life that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Absolutely. This is when you and I were dating. This is around when, uh, we would stay at the condo. Really? There. So it's when he had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it there so much. Yea. I like South Beach, it's so bizarre. It's a bizarro world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think my dad can't drink anymore, I think because of his blood pressure. He's always had to like, uh, curb. Curb that shit. Really? We caught up to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on to better things. We learned a new term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus we overheard them talking and they were talking about, you know, stuff that gave away who the family is that they worked for. We were like, that's weird to say. So we were walking and we were like, is that fucking Kardashians?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, but do you see my point of like, I don't want to go to that park anymore. What if my kid grows up and then he's like, I'm going over to Tyga's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I just, yeaah, something tells me that the trap pussy guy's not the family I want. You've got that trap pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those nannies were bragging. They better talk to those nannies. They'd be bragging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he's high as fuck. Think about how high you have to be to consent to that idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. But I imagine it bent, because if you're going full speed at somebody, it's such a high idea. It's such a dumb idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it has been like two years since we've checked in with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's buck naked, but he's got an acoustic guitar over his junk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna talk about that. I don't like the vegan vagina stuff. But it sets up who he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and he's showing you how he's gonna eat your vegan vagina. And he just licks the camera for 20 minutes. And it's the most disgusting thing ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a nice guy, I believe he's kind-hearted. But this shit is so unattractive to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there was playing hacky sack in the quad and playing acoustic guitar and singing at you. Like, stop it. Yeah. It's just, it's like pussy repellent, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, either change your parameters of what offends you, or uh, or just realize you're wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm, I have, I don't have the musical taste of a seventh grader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you going to crump your hair? Are you going to get a slumber party?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, guys, May 27th, May 28th, that's this weekend. I'm at the La Jolla Comedy Store with Matt Folchron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see. Dallas. The last is coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not supposed to laugh at your job or be inappropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, yeaah, is that socialization? Like, I grew up in a house where if I'm not happy all the time, I got in trouble as a kid. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I don't understand either are people who want to be Miss America. That's another one. Why is that even a thing for you? I want to be Miss America. You're so going to win this year. We're practicing your answers. The hardest part for them is answering one question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that to them is the most nerve wracking event, is having to talk. That's the funniest part to me is that's the challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I think the ratings would pick up significantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like maybe in the 50s, you're like, oh shit, everybody get their dicks in their hands, the Miss America pageants on. And now it's like, there's porn, there's Lad Mags, there's so much exposure to- Lad Mags. Isn't that what they're called? Lad Mags? I don't know, where do you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm from, uhm, oh, they're called chavs. Somebody wrote in, those boys that talk like, like have horrible, do their accent? Master of accents?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you have to make your teeth kind of bucked out? Cause they do. Yeah. All English people have buck teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they should wear like Brazilian, I say they should go topless and then just wear like a thong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, you know, like beer drinking and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that's the last event, that's the most important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Miss Amsterdam comes on and she's like, I'm going to take this shit home. And she puts candles in her beaver and does cartwheels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sounds like that Tyler Oakley guy that I love so much. Hi guys! I have absolutely nothing to say in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not sure what, what and who, maybe hold off on demanding that everyone stay updated with the pronouns to refer to you as. Like maybe hold off until you've decided and then make a formal announcement and then stick to it as an adult. You know what I mean? One way of looking at it. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm, I'm, uhm, this week I'm, and I wish you would respect my pronoun, I've been eating a lot of oatmeal and I'm identifying I'm oatmeal gendered. Okay. Just, if you could respect that. I do respect it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there honey on it? Sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's a trans, I understand transgendered, I am a man transitioning to a woman, or I feel more like a woman, I'm a man who feels like I'm a woman, he's saying I'm opting out of both, I am non.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I know what you're saying. Sorry. Why are you laughing? I'm not, I don't mean to offend they, it's, it's just like, I guess I'm being really insensitive here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this dog shit. Wow. Oh my god. This is terrible. The backdrop is dog shit. American Fly. This guy doesn't have an upper lip. Stop there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patreon. Patreon. Hey, can we do my Persian voicemails?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, they kind of kicked into high gear this weekend. I'm not sure what happened. Here I've saved them. I've actually had to put this number in as a contact now because I get so many. Yeaah, I've gotten one, two, three since Wednesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he looked how I thought he would. He's like a hipster dude with a, like a, you know, like a white guy with an ironic kinda t-shirt look. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think Salome is younger and that's why she kind of forgives, I think it's a boy too, a pass. Cause, oh, you know, Salome, he's always out having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we should do it on your mom's house. What do we do right now? I'm so nervous! What do we say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we should not be able to- We can't record this on for your mom's house. We can't? How can we record? I don't understand why that wouldn't record though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that was the craziest fucking voicemail ever. Three meows. This woman's out of her mind. That's why she doesn't know if Sadomé calls her back. That's right. She's fucking crazy, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we actually went into a recording studio and meowed, uh, songs with Sarah Burns. It was fun. They still remember me when I went back to record to, to like, do my comedy album, my second one. They're like, I remember you, you did the meow songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I just have a question for you. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm going to explain the situation and then you kind of tell me your thoughts on it. Like, I'm going to walk you through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem is, and you know this since I've given birth, is that I have a really hard time holding in my stools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that they go, it's immediate, like, well I have to shit now, I really have to shit. And so I was like, panicked, trying to change diaper and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I change him and I'm like, oh my god, oh my god, I'm gonna shit my pants. I didn't know what to do. My back was hurting so I couldn't just put him in the crib and go shit. Cause my back got fucked up in tennis. So I'm like, oh my god, what do I do? So I hurry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I diaper him, I run downstairs, I put him in the swing, I strap him in, and then I go take a shit downstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but why is the wipe, it wasn't diarrhea, so why was the wipe so unclean? That's, that's really what, like I'm serious. Why am I not pinching off the loaf cleanly? But it was probably mushy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we get back to you, but you're saying that the log was a little hot and torn and that's why it just wouldn't break clean because of the texture of the log.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you really react poorly to veggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you just unplug it and push play and put it up to the microphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, fuck it. Okay, well, let me restart the phone. Maybe that'll help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I love Ellis's new game with you. That shit makes me laugh so hard, dude. I love that he just tortures you. It's so funny. And then he pulls my hair too, which is awesome. Every time you lean down to give him a Zerbert, he pulls your hair. It's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, some people don't want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little. This really fired up this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never see Asian people talking black. Like that? Oh, it's Texas, now it's for Shinas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I think he sounds like Madea. I think he's doing a Madea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a guy on there, Gregory, who I recognized. I thought, I know this guy's face, man. It was killing me. I looked it up and he was in a Madea movie. That's how I know him from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like Black Yoda. She fucking tells them what's up. It's awesome. Uh, you wanna read some fan mail? I do, yeaah. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, hold on. Uhm, oh, there we go. Look at this guy. Been using your Amazon link to buy stuff for a while. How about a shout out for us buying lube? Yeah, you got it. Told you. That's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. When Christina was talking about European nudity, I was just chuckling, but I can say with a lot of certainty that Polish people, both in Poland and living in the UK would freak out if you were walking around in just your underwear. Nudity is defo not normal. Maybe they were in a cult hippie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Miloš, also too, I believe we're just more comfortable with nudity. And I say that because, look, you turn on the TV at 10pm in Europe, Western Europe, you know, and there's tits on TV in commercials for like, you know, fucking lollipop commercials. There's a girl with her tits out. Or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm just saying, and there's tits in magazines like normal magazines in England, by the way, those lad mags, they show their tits. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just have a destructor. Uh, flippers are like fake teeth. Uh, it's a retainer with a tooth or two on it. And that's what people do. Instead of replacing teeth, they will get a retainer. And I had a cousin that did that for a few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that. Watch out for vanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've done this show a long time, yeaah. This is so funny, god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm curious to know if it's because she got a better offer or she wants to tour. I know she just on Instagram, she goes, I'm finally back. And she was performing. It is the real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, how the fuck do you not think for six months, unless you're sick or something? Yeaah. Okay, well let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it says, by now you probably have heard that Tamar Braxton has been cut from daytime panel talk show The Real. Well, there has been major speculation as to why the singer says betrayed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I wonder, according to the Jasmine brand,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See now I'm curious, I gotta ask Lonnie on the down low one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That 104.5 radio station. She loves it. And I'm like, whatever. It's like the top hits, right? I remember listening to the top hits when I was a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and Backstreet Boys and NSYNC and those were the top hits when I was just played, which is fine. I don't mind that. Okay. Um, I usually listen to like the effect. It's all Toby Mack, Newsboys, it's Christian music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my car. Uhm, I had just dropped Gabby off and, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, I could not believe what I was hearing. Like this is on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our, our ra- local radio station, this crap is being played. I couldn't even believe the words that I was listening to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't die tonight. I just want to dance with you, baby. Just don't move too fast. I'm too crazy. Man down, down the ave, and get shaded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the driver of this car had kept his speed to 100k, here's where he would have stopped. If he'd stopped here, his wife wouldn't take the full impact of the crash and die instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeah, walking into the hotel, you know, and uh, the motel really, but, and then, you know, I go down to the elevator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you sniffed those boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. Jack, my son, Bill. And, um, and, uh, yeah, we'll have a good time, man. Who's coming with me? Pat House, my good friend Pat House from Philly, Delphia. He'll be there.


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[Assistant] May 20th and 21st only, two nights, Sewer Juice New York, otherwise known as Syracuse. Uhm, then June 9th, 10th and 11th, Urine California.


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[Assistant] Sometimes known as Irvine. Spermvine? Yep. Uhm, June 16th through the 18th.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, cause it's NIAC, yeaah. So, West NIAC, New York. Uhm, July 7th through 9th.


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[Assistant] Newport. And this one isn't in proper Cincinnati, but. Sure. It's Liberty.


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[Assistant] Farts. Farts, are you ready to start the show? I'm ready, Farts. Let's do it. Let me get this here. By the way, a lot of people were asking, like, Tom, when are you going to get a mouse? Here it is. Couldn't get it to work. We got to get another one.


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[Assistant] This is, you recognize Steve LaBelle here? He was on an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker.


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[Assistant] But usually there's senators, there's, you know, it's like hosting the Oscars. It's just like super elite people who take themselves too seriously.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and they get their feelings hurt. But I, but he ended, let me see if I can pull this up, tie this all together. He ended uhm,


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[Assistant] Well, there was backlash even from a lot of people, a lot of black people. They felt it was very disrespectful to say that to the President of the United States. Anyways, I didn't, I mean, I'm white, but I didn't have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's really getting into it. So, he, uhm, he continues, I think they must have obviously at some point asked him like, what is up with you doing this, you know? Uhm, why are you so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think the thing is that he considers himself, it's a good point, I think he does consider himself part of that community. I don't think he thinks that he's not.


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[Assistant] Uh, white people from New York are like black people. They go to jail a lot.


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[Assistant] Because he goes, he said like this, he's hanging out in that studio and some blood, so some gangbanger from out here was like, go to the bank and get me $15,000 for saying that word. And then in his version of the story, he says it again to that guy. Do you understand? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His version of a dude who just, a gang member who was just like, go to the bank and get me money.


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[Assistant] Y'all finished, y'all done. Uh, but to, to, to further the point of Larry Wilmore,


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[Assistant] What's it called? The Acapela? Barber Shop? Yeaah, yeaah. These guys are on their tour bus.


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[Assistant] That interview. It's amazing. It's amazing.


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[Assistant] I don't need anymore, uh, I don't need to interview him again. We're all good. Everything's good. It's a way to say like, I'm not fucking with you, alright? Like, we're good, man.


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[Assistant] Yeah, why sit there now? Oh shit. Hit the bidet on.


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[Assistant] So uhm, yeaah, now I just, I hit the water and I just let that spray sit there, but I'll let it spray for, you know, a minute.


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[Assistant] I'm being serious because I've been thinking about seriously how much time I spend, or like when I'm not home. Oh my god, I'm not home and fucking, I'm in like a, you know, public


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[Assistant] The nice thing about diarrhea with that bidet is that you hit that water and you go with paper later, there's nothing left.


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[Assistant] We just walked around, the Getty, if you ever come to Los Angeles and you want, you know, cities have their, leave their mark, right, with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their, their cultural stamp of, hey, you know, we invest in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In making this a destination, yeaah. And the Getty is really impressive. There's actually two Getties in LA. The more prominent one is right off the 405.


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[Assistant] Or you can see their world-class art, sculptures, paintings, just, they have, uh, rotating works of art. They had a photography exhibit that we saw. A what? A photography. The photographers. And they have pictures there. Pictures. Pictures that a photographer took. And they're framed and hanging on the walls.


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[Assistant] I heard my sister when she was out here say ex-special-ly, but really hit it hard. You know what I mean? Like ex-special-ly.


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[Assistant] Well, you know, he was, uh, he was pretty binary. Totally binary. And he was actually bi for a while.


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[Assistant] Uhm, a man in a suit, but his fly is open, and you won't believe what's hanging out of his fly. It's a massive, I would say semi-erect, black, uncircumcised cock.


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[Assistant] You might have to start, you might have to, you'll see some like naked people and you're like, that's it. No, it gets, it gets better.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's kind of what people want to see, right?


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[Assistant] And people don't understand, I think, that live in other parts of the country that it does get, you know, brisk here on certain days. You know, it'll be, you might be used to it if you live in a really cold city, but it gets to the point where people wear jackets.


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[Assistant] You don't have to do this for a flight, you know? Get comfortable.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and a tight clothe, and you're like, you're wearing this to... To sit. Yeah. To sit uncomfortably on this flight. It's so fucking weird. And you land and it's still fucking early wherever we went. Like, you don't have to look like this till tonight, right? Yeah. I don't know, man.


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[Assistant] At the airport, you know, doesn't matter, we can't get away from it.


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[Assistant] It's, it's obviously, you know, the show's gotten more popular, we know that. Uhm, but it's taken on a life of its own in places you don't even expect it to get picked up here.


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[Assistant] Still kind of trying to keep it cool. He was wearing his truck tailors.


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[Assistant] Well that's the thing. When, you know, I've seen Carl with so many girls and he's just...


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[Assistant] And I've just never seen him so happy and it's just fun to see him finally find the girl that's perfect for him.


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[Assistant] You'd probably take out like, I dunno, five hundred million dollar loan?


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[Assistant] I'll go, you like the gang? She'll be like, yeaah. Did he just do a song with Rihanna? I'm like, this is a different guy. She's like, I'll check him out. And then we'll go there.


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[Assistant] What's all this stuff? It's art. Why? Because people make art. Ah, that's nice. Can I have that? That's pretty expensive. Can you buy it? I don't think it's for sale. Like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely why you notice it. By the way, do you remember one of the biggest, uhm, shows we've ever had was, uh,


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[Assistant] So, and there was no, there's basically no indication of how things happened.


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[Assistant] This is a reporter, as a master of actions, I really appreciate this. This reporter is interviewing some soccer hooligans after an arsenal match. I like soccer hooligans, they're so silly. They're so, they're so fucking gangster with how much they love their


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[Assistant] That's so British too to, to end a sentence with yeaah.


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[Assistant] No, that man, man yes? Man yes? Man yes! I just realized I do have a...


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[Assistant] Now, in case you're like, you know, I can't take it anymore, I just want to hear the best of what this guy's got.


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[Assistant] This guy's pretty much holding, he's animated, he's fired up by his team losing. But there's definitely, I don't even know if he would constitute a hooligan, you know. Hooligans over there, really, they're terrifying.


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[Assistant] Is there a problem with that? I feel like you wish you could have married him.


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[Assistant] Uhm, oh, this is pretty great. Uhm, I, I was, somebody sent me this, you know, there's nobody more, I don't know, who's left a bigger impact on me, I feel like in my life.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so it's been a minute and uhm, it's definitely one of the...


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[Assistant] Personally, I'm really slacking on a couple things.


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[Assistant] My flossing's not been as good lately. And I really need to whiten again. I have my trays.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna, I wanna, how about tonight? Let's do it tonight.


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[Assistant] Alright. Hello mommies. I am currently sitting in the parking lot of the dentist's office after my first visit in over 13 years.


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[Assistant] After my first visit, after my visit you were the first people I wanted to share this news with.


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[Assistant] Much like my actual mother. I'm sure you are quite disappointed to hear that.


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[Assistant] Hey mommies, I finally went to the dentist for the first time in 10 years last week. Guys. Boy was this embarrassing. After 26 years, I still have a baby tooth.


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[Assistant] Holy shit, right? My dentist literally gave me a D plus grade. So the fillings are covered by insurance, but to get the crowns, it's like $900 a tooth.


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[Assistant] I can have the tube teeth pulled and get whats called a flipper tooth.


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[Assistant] My cousin has this. That's going to run me about 450 bucks.


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[Assistant] Uh, what, what my mommies would do. Sorry. I know Christina has always said, put yourself in debt for your T-fees. We already, we are already paying.


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[Assistant] An eight thousand dollar hospital bill from ten years ago. What do I do, Gene's Machine? How expensive is it to repair a crown? I need help. May the toots be strong with you, Vanessa.


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[Assistant] You know what I recommend too, if you're paying off that debt, you said you don't want to accrue all kinds of debt. One thing, and this doesn't work obviously for everybody depending on your situation, but a friend of mine did this one time, is that he, this was before like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then was in a kind of a bind obviously for healthcare. And he went to...