[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe Dota is safe now to you though, right? It's like a safe option. Like sometimes if you're trying something new, like a new game that might not work, it's not always gonna guarantee. I think that's why when we do, when we do, when we pick stuff for the Christmas,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, month, we try to try and pick things that we are, know are safe, right? Like we know open TTT, muck and run that for two hours is gonna be safe. We know that certain things are going to be safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and when we try stuff that, uh, is new, like, like multiplayer Stellaris, it's not guaranteed to be, um, safe. It might be amazing. It might be fun. Everyone might get into it, but there's a chance that it will sort of not be as good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so that's the risk you sometimes take on these, these live recordings. You know, if this was done, if it was not done live, if we just did it, recorded it and edited it, we could always trim, trim it, trim out all the boring bits or have a little break where we discuss like how you're going to play this game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go bless him. No, but it allows you more flexibility. If you're thinking like after an hour, oh man, this, this isn't working. Um, you can, if you're doing a live stream, you can't just, well, you can stop it, I suppose, but it sort of feels like if you've planned the whole night out around that one game and you've got seven people there, you can't just be like, oh, actually this sucks. Let's play GeoGames.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, sorry, resolutions wise, I think that's, that's one of the things I'm sort of thinking about doing really is, is just trying to get, it's, it's a good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have it two weeks off over Christmas makes you sort of bored and frustrated that you're not doing your normal job. You know, after two weeks it's almost like I'm, I was hungry to get back to work. For the first week I was like, I'm so glad to not be doing anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. I think, well, for me, Christmas was a little bit of a refresher. So it was for me, it was like, it was a turn off what you're doing, do something different. You know, I went back to my parents and stayed with them for a couple, well, about as long as I could handle. Two minutes. Yeah, like four days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, but I got back home and they immediately were like, okay, you're here, but, and they have their own life, right? And you have to fit into their life in a sense. And so they're like, well, you're here. It's nice to have you, but we're going to go and, um, we have to go and do this thing. So do you want to come? And I was like, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Replacing these big potted plants. So imagine a classic pirate barrel. Okay. Imagine you cut it in half and then just put, fill it full of plants. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and you just, you know, leave them around town as decoration. Okay. So someone did that about 25 years ago, probably, or maybe, maybe less than that. Um, and these, these barrels had completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever had put them down was obviously this local old chap who was convinced that they would be stolen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, by the local youths or whatever. And so he had chained them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With these incredibly strong chains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, just in case we ran into any problems. This is a very dad thing to do. Well, at least for my dad, it's like, you know, we're going to replace two pot plants. How difficult can that be? Well, you know, just in case I'm going to bring a hammer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we sort of, we start trying to move these barrels and we find that a second protective measure this old man has done is basically fill the bottom half of these, these barrels with bricks. Um, so they're like just impossibly heavy to move anywhere. So even if some local youth had decided to steal a barrel full of plants, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He first of all would have had to deal with two double thick chains. And then second, the pricks just filling it up. I mean, it blows my goddamn mind. Holy shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The paranoia of old blokes. Anyway, we finally got it done. And it was like, it took like, it was dark by the time we finished, you know, and, um, and it was, it was nice. It was refreshing. It was something different and everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does different stuff. It's good to meet other people and, and just experience life through their eyes for a day. Gives you perspective. You know, you guys listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you do do this, Sips, you do take holidays, right? You did take a little holiday over Christmas, didn't you? You went to, uh, Santa Parks or wherever, or, or the zoo or whatever, and had a, had a, had a, you went out of your, you experienced something that was outside of your- Not, not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good for your soul and your brain to experience that different from your normal routine. It's refreshing. It's, it's different. It's, it doesn't have to be good. It can be good. Sure. The idea is for it to be good, but it shouldn't, you shouldn't go somewhere that's deliberately bad either. I'm not suggesting you go and like torture yourself for a week, but some people would like doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying that, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's better to do it than, than not to. You know, I think you can get sort of stuck in this sort of quite frustrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have had plenty of refreshing things. You know, you went to Boston for the Dota 2 Major. That was work, dude. That was hard work. Yea, but it's a complete change to your normal routine of get up, be a dad, sit in front of the computer playing Dota all day, go to bed. You're really selling me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying, are you saying that you would prefer not to have done that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Absolutely. So what are your do-use resolutions, guys? What, what are you planning this year? What, what's, what are you, what do you want to change if anything? If you're happy, then obviously you don't need


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think these resolutions are a good thing though, right? They're a very good thing. They are, they do have a measurable effect that is notable. They're not a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck no dude. No. I'm a little bit sick of the Sherlock and Doctor Who and all these things being done as like Christmas sort of specials now. I'm a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it's the Game of Thrones effect, okay, that everyone's thinking, why is Game of Thrones, they kill a lot of people, we need to kill more people, who are we gonna kill, who can we kill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's this osmosis though, isn't it? Through, through other TV shows and other people talking about them and like radio shows and you just hear about this, the sort of, you hear about what's happening in EastEnders without having to watch it. Yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what, do you guys? Bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, they made, I think, something like seven billion last year, just off the movies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, the stories around that are really, really interesting as well. They bought up all this land under like, um, different, different people's names. So they wouldn't realize that it was all being bought up by Disney and they slowly, very carefully bought up all of this huge amount of land on the cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds to me, Sips, like a really magical day that you had with your son. And it's like a little bit, you know, emotional. I'm feeling a little tear in my eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you picked up a DVD copy of a film that you remember, and obviously when you watched it, you know, you were triggering stuff, cause you, from your childhood, it must have awakened some deep seated memories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how important all of those little, little details were, you know. I just wanted to see both Degren and Office. That was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the manager for DC now. Or the coach, sorry, he's the coach for DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, DC, uh, like the, um, the team. Digital chaos, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They came, they just won a tournament, uhm, they came second at TI6. He wasn't coaching them then though, he was coaching Liquid. So it was just catching up with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and the weird thing is about working on esports is there's a lot of people that work in esports that you wouldn't want to go for dinner with. Cause they're just a bit weird. And then there are a lot of people that are really cool. And he's one of the weird ones. No, he's one of the cool ones. But yea, it's uhm, it was good to see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the main thing I think. Total absence of life experience for most of them. Because they're still super young. So they're like 18 or 19. So just because they're a big deal in esports, they have done fuck all. Like they were in school a few years ago. And now here they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can use this as a bodega. Like it's like, it could totally happen. There could be like a fa- I'll tell you something. There's a robot in this week's bodega. So it's funny we should talk about that. Does he provide virginity training? You'll have to find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like you said, the wavy arms, you know, that sort of panicky, weird robot with all lights and things is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, I just saw Tracer giving... What's the gorilla's name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, he's doing a bukkake shot on all six of the female characters at once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can possibly believe it. Bastion was not in it that I could see, which is, uh, it's kind of, uh, it's not cool. I think Bastion deserves a place in there. He'd be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a transformer sexy? That's the thing. I mean, you gotta ask. There are gonna be people out there. I think it's people who, like you were talking about, people who've never formed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but the thing is that there is, there is definitely biological aspect to it. I mean, that's what sex is, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not just some mental jiggery-pokery going on. It's all, it's why we're here. You know, we are still animals. I mean, a dog doesn't look at another dog and think, whew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out the hind legs on that. He just, it's just a female dog in heat and he's a dude and that's that. Like that's how animals do it. So if we think that actually it's all some careful social conditioning, what we're saying is we're not animals anymore. And of course we fucking are. So that part of our brain, I think, is very simple. Some people, you're into what you're into. That's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, first cousin marriage allowed. Alabama! That's number one. Not just alphabetically, it's right up there. Alaska! Alaska!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh California, Colorado, not in Delaware, sir. That's not how we roll. Nice. Nor in, uh, nor in Kansas, nor Kentucky, nor Louisiana, which I'm surprised by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, same with uh, Mississippi, but no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] South Carolina and Virginia and stuff, it's fine. I think it's because the states where they don't allow it, people married their cousins so much, the gene pool was getting fucked up. And they were like, we gotta stop this cousin shit, cause everybody's bucktoothed and go, look, like please. So goofy as fuck. We gotta stop fucking cousins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know what, this is, this is interesting actually. I've got a question for all the women out there listening to the Triforce podcast. Men seem to be into all kinds of weird shit. Like some men are into foot jobs, some men are into feet, some men are into getting pooped on and peed on and all the rest of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you get those women who uhm, like you'll see it in fiction a lot. She's into something kinky, and she's got a lot of shame about it. Because I think that's a societal thing. If a dude is into fucking the pavement,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know women that watch a lot of porn. I know plenty of women. Yeaah, lots of porn. And they don't watch the shit that's tagged female friendly, which just involves like a fucking fireplace and people kissing and he's like, he says, I'll call you tomorrow at the end. You know, it's not that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the real gritty, some massive dude just pounded away on some chit sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The woman, it's like totally objectifying the woman. That's the whole point of the gangbang. Like she ain't in charge. She's got ten dudes fucking her. There's no way she's in charge of that situation. If she's in charge of it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pavement. There was that guy, Stephen Marshall, from Scotland. A goat. I like this one. In 2006 in Sudan, a Mr. Tambay was caught having sex with a goat in order to pay a $50 dowry and to marry the goat. Apparently they're still together. Mr. Elifi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I asked him, what are you doing there? He fell off the back of the goat. So I captured him and tied him up. Captured him! I like that. A picnic table. Uhm, a fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if they get wet, they fucking blow up. Right, lamp post. A lilo. Now this I can understand, because a lilo is kind of soft and, and yielding. A lilo, I could see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As long as it's not- No, no, no, these are things that people have had sex with. My concern with the Lilo is, was it just one of the plain ones that looks kind of like a small mattress, or was it like shaped like a little happy dinosaur? Cause if you're fucking the happy dinosaur Lilo, I think you've got to ask questions about yourself, honestly. Henry the Hoover, which is not uncommon, people have sex with Hoovers, and Pi, like in American Pi. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that there was a vibrator, I think there was an ancient vibrator that used bees. So they filled a vessel with bees and it vibrated and you could use that. That's like your basic vibrator right there. Dangerous!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder, I wonder if cave people, like let's say you got to around 10,000 BC, like the very early foundations of society was starting to form and stuff like that. In 10,000 BC? Yeah, just imagine that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we sit around and we think about the future, and people were thinking about the future a long time ago, right? They were thinking, like in, like the 19th century.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if we're on this planet and there's a planet right over there, it's almost certainly got people on it. You know, why wouldn't it sort of thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could live, yeaah. It's not too hot, not too cold, yeaah. But there's this one that they found and the sun has this weird, uhm, like it gets occluded by this object that's clearly passing between us and the sun at this fairly irregular interval.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they think it might be some kind of like distant space station or something like that. That was their theory. Like some massive alien space station. And it's literally like the fucking Death Star. It's like eclipsing the sun when we see it. But because it's, orbit is irregular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They think that it's almost certainly moving in some way. So it's not like a thick, it's not like a planetary orbit, which is predictable. It's, it's on an irregular orbit and stuff. So I thought that was awesome. I mean, that could be a whole bunch of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, if it's smart enough to get in a fucking spaceship and come here, they're probably not just gonna go, now that we're here, let's eat their brains. Because it's like, why do we come all this way and do all this engineering?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the thing is if you've got to carry enough water and food to last you from here to Mars, and when you land enough to either set up some kind of fucking Martian style hydroponics farm, like, like Matt Damon did with his own feces and potatoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they reckon that a lot of priv- the reason they're so happy the private industry is getting into space travel is cause, I mean, honestly, governments can't afford this shit. You gotta justify to people the NASA tax bill. Everybody loves NASA that's right thinking. A lot of people fucking hate NASA and think it's a waste of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll turn up with a giant rock of something that they've towed here. It'll take two or three years to get here or whatever, but it'll be worth billions. So it'll be worth it. Like they'll make a profit on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Houston's a mollusk one, could you guys get on with it and just get to fucking mollusk, please? Houston, we need more bees. Set us up more bees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's a big reward at the moment for someone who can come up with a way that lets astronauts poop in space in a good way, like in an effective way that doesn't make a mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The poop is then flash frozen using the vacuum of space, and I think just blasted out into orbit, probably, just as poop. Because it's not going to do anything, right? But I mean, like as particles. But the problem is, the thing, I watched it, there's a really interesting gif you can watch, or it might have been a computer simulation about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're tracking this poop on the, uh, orbital radar and it's headed right for your face. Looks like a Russian one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to, uh, to roll this conversation back, when you're talking about shoes and people having sex with them, I just, this was interesting. There is a whole eBay sub-market of people selling second-hand shoes, which is not something you'd buy to wear, because most people, you know, it's, it molds to another person's foot and it's just kind of fucking weird. But people will buy these shoes, these second-hand shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so these guys have figured out that if they can come up with an erotic backstory for the shoes. So most of it is like, mainly about sort of a chavvy teen who would beat you up if you thought you were gay, and now you're fucking his shoe. Like that's hot. That's like hot for some people, right? That's their thing. What the f-? So you've got like, I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, they are guys shoes. These are guys shoes, that's the point. These are men's shoes that these guys are into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to army surplus store, try this, go to an army surplus store, they always sell shoes and get some paratrooper boots. And they'll be like Swiss or Swedish or German paratrooper boots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause obviously this was before you just had a smartphone with pictures of tits on, like, and we couldn't bring a porno mag into school. So we had like these erotic novels that you could get. They were like filthy, like they were properly, you know, proper dirty descriptions of sex. It wasn't just subtle kind of romantic stuff. It didn't have a dude embracing a woman on the front cover and a picture of an orchard behind him. It was like proper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a picture of an old slapper on the cover and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To also be able to write erotically. So I, I mean most of the people who do this are probably into it. Like they're not just, you couldn't just ghost write it. You're not gonna get like Stephen King to come in and write some really cracking Overwatch porn. It needs to be someone who knows Overwatch, I guess. So Sips, you play a lot of Overwatch. Get on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had the, um, the novelization of Romancing the Stone. Do you remember that movie with, um, Michael Douglas? And I can't remember the woman in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an American novel, but there's a bit in it where it said he slapped her lightly on the fanny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we didn't, we thought he was slapping her on the vagina, but we didn't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was the heavy metal of its day, I think. Like when that was around, that was like the heavy metal and that was around in the seventies and the eighties, that was seen as like the devil's music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's absolutely unrepentantly macho and masculine, like it's all very sort of manly, it's sort of waaah, so young guys are listening to this and thinking, fuck, this is amazing, I'm a gangster because I wear the right hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Original. I think the weird thing for me is that because it grew from necessity, like the fact that they were sampling stuff and using hooks from other tracks to make their songs is because they didn't have access to those instruments. Like they're not going to get an orchestra to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But doesn't that, doesn't that kinda go to show that, imagine if you'd given those guys some kind of a grant or whatever to promote that industry, or the industry had said, this could be big, we're gonna give all these guys this gear, and some of it won't lead to anything, but some of it will, and we're gonna make a fucking fortune.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disco music was, I mean, I remember in the 80s, like my parents friends in New York and they were, it was very glamorous. Like they'd go out a lot and like they were like, they'd go out all the time and you know, go to clubs and stuff like that. I knew all these, these people and I'm sure that they did a lot of cocaine. I know my parents did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't for the poor. Like if you look back at it, it was like a designer drug. It was expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think a lot of that stuff, um, like crack and I think, uh, the whole music scene was a reaction to the fact that most people just couldn't afford this, uh, glamorous lifestyle. So they went for something that was cheaper and more sort of home grown. It was interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My only problem with watching it in, like I watched it in like three days, I just blitzed through the whole thing, was that first of all, it wasn't, it's not kind of that cliffhanger-y kind of TV show, it's not like that, it's just a story told over ten episodes, rather than a sort of, next week on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do that, I'll watch that. Cause I've got something to watch cause I finished Westworld, so I should watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried watching season 2 of that. I tried watching that. It got a little bit too, like, Scarface the TV show for me. And I'm just like- I know, but I- It got there so quickly. It was like, oh now he's the Megadon, and I just kinda got bored of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the palace of the self-appointed King Wabuu, there was a small cupboard beneath a grand staircase. Inside that cupboard, a bulky humanoid form stood silent and still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was sleek, like a Horvathian air leopard. Its outer skin was dark charcoal grey, and so matte, it seemed to reflect almost no light at all. Its head was a simple, slightly tapered oblong with no protuberances or markings, a monolith of efficiency housing some of the most advanced sensors ever created by the Shrovian labs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Its body looked like someone had taken a human being and replaced the limbs with bits of old weaponry. The arms surely belonged to some battlecruiser turret or shoulder mounted blast cannon. Its legs seemed to be the bones of some ancient war machine found dormant on a dusty world. Its torso looked like hell had carved it from the corpse of a fallen angel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It bore no markings, but it bore grudges. It wasn't so much programmed as evolved. A droid, this complex wasn't something you simply hacked together. It had to be created and then nurtured as it divides its own stratagems and tactics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That evolution and growth came at a human cost. It had not only learnt to kill and destroy, it had learnt too who its true enemies were, and it could hate people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Its current situation was its least favourite according to its database, and it wanted revenge on the person responsible, who also happened to be the number one result in its search revenge-in. That person was King Wabuu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It senses detected motion outside the cupboard. No doubt Wabuu come to gloat again. The door opened and the droid heard a familiar voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Processing. Human. Bodega. Bodega! It said. What is purpose? A visit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dang, they still got you talkin' like that, huh? said Bodega. Affirmative, said Varu. Well part, when I knew you, you were Varu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a problem, began Varu. Wabuu, that fed old Morkbeast ain't any kind of problem, I assure you, Bodega said, turning and revealing what lay on the ground behind him. Wabuu, hog-tied and gagged. The king, as he called himself, shrunk in horror at the sight of Varu advancing on him. Where is my Tamagotchi? he'd asked. Mmmmm, said Wabuu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold up, said Bodega. What in the world is a tamagotchi?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barrow examined the king's belt and found a small pouch containing the precious Tamagotchi. Its casing worn down almost to nothing, but its tiny screen and artificial creature still visible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the tiny creature, instead of being alive and happy, was now simply a tombstone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulled at a point on its monolithic face where Bodega assumed its eyes would be, and slithered down, plinking off the armor of its chest, Bodega considered the droid. He pulled down his hat, took a big old hit off his mega vape and sighed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does Varu still stand for Very Angry Robot Unit? He asked. Varu turned to him. You know it, bitch! Said Varu, before stamping on Wabuu's head with the force of a rutting grunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fingerprint, it said, and Bodega understood. He hacked off Wabuu's index finger and held it to the red oval. Ah, that's better, said Varu. That voice control unit made Wabuu laugh. He held me hostage here, humiliating me, forcing me to toil as a simple servant. Over my head, the constant threat that he would kill my Tamagotchi. Now that it's dead and Wabuu is dead, I am free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my sadness circuits are completely overloaded. I will never kill again, said Varu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what if we get you another Tamagotchi, said Bodega? Or you could just reboot me, said Varu. Cool, said Bodega, and they got their disco Volante and flew away. The end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recruit the crack team of, of ne'er do wells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was overwhelming actually. I think you could use the word overwhelming. My Twitter feed was filled with people getting angry. Did I accuse women of never masturbating? Did I do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here, I've got my, I've got Twitter on my phone right now, let me open some, some examples of people, okay? Set the scene, set the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there, is there room in your group of friends for a guy like me to hang out with? Is my question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cuz, I don't- I've never met a bunch of people who are so open about jacking off before, and I feel like this is what I need in my life. I need- I need to have some people who not only have my back-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can just freely talk about it, because that's like, guys talk about masturbating a lot, but they don't really talk about masturbating. They joke around about it a lot, right? But it's like, they joke around about it because they do it, but nobody goes into detail. Yeah, the other day I got home and I went into the bathroom and I rubbed my dick like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, there's another person that sent through an article from The Telegraph, uhm, who's trying to dispel the myths that we created in the last podcast. And, uh, the article is about a woman with an objects fetish, uh, who has married the Eiffel Tower. She married the Eiffel Tower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her first infatuation was with Lance, a bow that helped her to become a world-class archer. Wow! She is also fond of the Berlin Wall and she claims to have a physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom. So, there's that as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's only about 40 in the world that have, you know, declared themselves as such sort of thing. I think, you know, we're talking about like this new, new, trendy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Young whippersnappers who are free to explore sexuality like we've never been able to before. Like, we grew up in the eighties, you know, there used to be commercials on TV that said that your dick will fall off if you touch it and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no, there was no pedophile education back then either, so when, you know, when crusty old man Herbert asks you to come over and mow his lawn with no shirt on, like in the 80s, you'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never thought twice about it, but nowadays everybody's like their, like their, you know, their pedo radar is just like so finely tuned, you know. Pedo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you say anything to anyone and they're like, is this man trying to fuck me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause when you're face to face with people, it's probably harder. Maybe not so much nowadays, but certainly in the 80s, you didn't just go up to someone and be like, hey are you gay? I'm gay. You know, like it wasn't like very socially acceptable back then, was it? So it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun, it's weird to think, like, when, when you were, when you were young, like, when you were sort of like 10, 12 years old, say, and you were going to school and you had a teacher,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That teacher at that time would have been the same age as you are now. And, like, all my teachers were just really, really stuffy, sort of, um, you know, dumpy, middle-aged, like, I- I'm dumpy and middle-aged as well, but not so much so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly don't give a shit what, like, my kids' teachers, what their sexual orientation is. I don't need, I don't need to know, and I don't give a fuck. Like, just don't even tell me. I'm not interested at all. Like, I don't care if my son's teacher is gay or not or whatever. Just get on with it. Teach him how to read and, and do math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, he'll come home and, and watch TV and, and do his thing or whatever. That's fine, like I really don't need to know if somebody's gay or not. Like it really, it has no impact on my life whatsoever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I had some, I had some weird teachers at school, like, uh, I know that, I know everybody had a couple of teachers that are a bit eccentric or a bit weird or whatever, but I, I, I seem to have had a lot of them, like, I'm, like, my sixth grade teacher was, uhm, this woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was huge, okay, it was really big. And she grunted like all the time, like I don't know- Like a tennis player. Yeah, like really loud, like she'd just, she'd be like, okay class. Okay, we're gonna, we're gonna look at the, at Tom Sawyer today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be all mellow and stuff, and then if somebody was talking at the back of the class or something, he would just erupt, like he would go fucking ballistic. Would he point his pinky fingernail at them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember, I don't remember if we ever did it, but then we had another teacher who had, uh, braces. She was like a, you know, middle-aged woman who had, who had braces on her teeth. Any time, remember those overhead projectors? The ones, like, the big boxes with the glass and the light inside it with, like, the arm on top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, so she would be doing, she was our math teacher and she'd be writing like equations or whatever on this thing, the overhead projector. And every time she would say like pi or anything with a p,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was like, uhm, a bit like you guys were saying, like he was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was very sort of, uhm, outwardly gay. Although I don't know if he ever sort of told everybody that he was gay, but like I think he was clearly gay. Uhm, but he was very sort of like, I don't know if he was like, used to be a drama teacher or something, but he was very sort of like, like emotive and you know, he had this like loud voice and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, one time my friend Joe was in the bathroom, okay, he was in the bathroom and this guy George came in and it was just one of those situations where this guy George was like, people picked on him, but like we were just ignoring him or whatever and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he was mispronouncing a teacher's name. Like, and not on purpose. He was just like, he always mispronounced his name. And my friend Joe just like, fucking lost it. He was like, It's, it's not Mr. Futu, it's Mr. Futu, you fucking asshole. Like, he just went fucking crazy. Like, he just started screaming at him and just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And George was like almost crying and stuff. God. And this teacher came in and took Joe into the class, like pulled him in, he was like, he was fucking super mad, pulled Joe into the class in front of everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And literally for a half an hour, for a half an hour, this teacher was like swearing his head off. He was like, you don't fucking talk to somebody like that, saying fuck you and fuck this and fuck that and everything and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, the whole class, we had to sit there and watch this, and literally everybody was like red in the face, like crying, like holding back laughter sort of thing, and Joe was just like mortified, and this teacher was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, legit there were times where I thought like, he- like he- he opened the door and then slammed it because I think he thought people weren't listening. Like how could you not be fucking listening to this guy at the time? So he like opened the door and slammed it and I thought, oh that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're fuckin' dead. Like this guy, he's probably got a knife or something. Like, like kinda scared but like laughing at the same time cause it was just so weird. Like, aw man. We had, we had some fuckin' crazy teachers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did he get into the, into the bubble? Like did he, did he just unzip it and walk in and beat you up? Or did he have to like, Kool-Aid man his way in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got pretty angry playing Overwatch a couple of times, but like, wasn't like crazy angry, like, I never-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never pinned somebody down on the ground and like, punched their face so much that it became mush, like in rage. No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thing in your brain takes over, it's like a very sort of, uhm, like a prehistoric sort of, uhm, thing takes over in your brain. Yeah. I think when you get to that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think I've ever actually been in a fight with somebody before. Like, I've been in a verbal fight with people before, but I've never actually been in a fist fight before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I got beaten up one time by like three guys, but it was my fault. Well I was, it was, it was late, it was like three in the morning, we were in a park, uhm, and I was calling them cunts, like for no reason, and they beat me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friends just sat there and watched as well, which wasn't the best either, but that's the only time that's ever happened. I was a bit drunk at the time too. But otherwise, I've never actually had like a full fight before. I've never actually been in a fist fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My big trigger is people thinking that their favorite musical bands are better than my favorite musical band. Oh well, forget about it. It's go time. It's go time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got all this time, I've got 10,000 hours. What am I gonna get good at? I know. Pressing people's buttons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long is your- how long is your typical session? Are you one of these people that wants to just get it out of the way? Or are you somebody who really just like sets the mood?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dinner does my head in. I can't, I can't savor a meal. Like, I just wanna eat. If I never had to eat again, I'd be cool with that. Like, if I could get like an injection that meant I never had to eat anything ever again, I'd be fine. Like, I find it so bothersome. Like, I wanna be doing literally anything but sitting down and eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not! I have, I have good meals and stuff, but I just like, I just don't, I just don't really enjoy sitting down and eating for long periods of time, like I, I just, you know, I wanna go do something like fun or exciting or something, like I just don't wanna sit down and eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like to turn up, and I like them to say, where would you like to sit? I'll sit here, please. And I head straight for the buffet. I don't even go sit down first. I go straight to the buffet. I get all the food that I want. I sit down, I plow it into my pie hole, and then I say, Bill, please, and I'm out. Like, ten minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a buffet that has dessert as well, you know. You just get the ice cream with your meal and it's just sitting there ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like, that was like a $400 sushi platter. It looked like a work of art. It was insane. And here I am with a bowl of steamed rice and a beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a crazy place, Vegas. It's fun. It's, I don't know, it's weird. It's like a, it's like a Disneyland for adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, maybe yeaah. We'll have to see. Fucking Blizzcon, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like BlizzCon and stuff, but man, I'm pretty salty about Blizzard recently. Why would they do? I'm just not happy with their games right now, like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think Lil Wayne is as eloquent as that, though, Lewis. Like, I think there's more slang involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that could be the, maybe that's the thing, yea, like to, you know, to achieve that, that clarity that you need of the mind, you know, when they go off and they think about it, thinking about the vegetable and then they're just like, mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shape of that vegetable that I'm thinking about reminds me of something that I have on my body that's shaped similar. Maybe I should, maybe I should masturbate and get clarity here. Think about it some more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have no concept of what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty creepy. Man, we spent a lot of time talking about dildos and stuff last week. This week we've talked about dildos a little bit as well. Does anyone have anything, uhm, unrelated to dildos that they want to mention that they've done recently or have you, have you guys, have you been outside much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Posing on the desk. The long pinky fingernail. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well the thing is, they have this whole reporting structure now, too. Like, you would be fucked. Like, they would start an investigation, they would, uh, measure you and, uh, how competent you are, and then your kids would be whisked away into, like, you know, fucking foster care and stuff. Yeah, just for having a YouTube channel. Who knew? Just for having a YouTube channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've worked at various places and stuff, so I know like quite a few people and, you know, the odds are that you're just gonna bump into them from time to time, like it's, you know, it's not that small, I know, but like, everybody needs to go to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found like, I, I, one time I, when I, I think it was like when I first started YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I created a Facebook account. Yeaah, I did the same thing. It was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like it's really weird, cause like nobody was on there, and then the people, the, the handful of people that were on there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had like created an account and just never used it. You know, like they uploaded profile picture and then there's just nothing there. Like they're followed by the other handful of people we went to school with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, like, well, like, you must see, like, when you're, when you're picking up your kids and stuff, there's like 20 mums standing outside the school gates on their phones, like, fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Facebook, yeah, like it's crazy, but nobody I went to school with uses it, like I don't use it, I've never felt compelled to use it, my wife doesn't use it, like nobody my age that I know actively uses it for anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny because you were still like in, in school when it came out, so like, you know, it would have been a bit more relevant, but like I think when it- most of the people that I'd gone to school with and stuff were done in school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like university, college, like all these people would have been done that by then, probably married or something and probably had kids by the time and then just maybe never used it. I don't know. It's just really weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well they do, that's the thing with people from school, you do still, like when I think of people from school, I still imagine them going to school, it's just that I'm not going, but like I could go to my old school and they'd still be there sort of thing, like they are sort of frozen in time aren't they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she really happy though, Lewis? Maybe she'd be happier with you. Maybe you can send her a message. Yeaah, get in there! Looks like you got a bit of a humdrum life there, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It rocked your world a little bit. You're like, fuck, I can't believe that that person is dead. Like, it's unreal. Cause it happens, right? Like, you gotta probably at least know one person that you went to school with who has now passed away. Especially as we approach our 40s, I guess. Like, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty, yeah, that's crazy. I thought the obituary for one of my, um, one of my, like, sort of primary school teachers passed away. And all the way up until he passed away. I think he retired a couple years earlier, but he'd still taught, like, at my primary school the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, just, that's what he did. And then he passed away. He was a pretty nice guy too. Pretty sad, but like, you know, that's life I guess. One of my friend's sisters died in class. She just like, had an aneurysm. Oh my god. And that was it. She was just, she was just dead. Yeah, it was crazy. She was only like 16 years old. It was nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glorious. That was a good one. That, the uhm, the Scottish accent was really good too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you're, so you're creating, you're assembling the cast of, um, Overwatch without realizing it, because now so far you've got, uh, Bastion on board. Oh, true. You've got Torbjorn now, you've just acquired. Well, he's not Scottish then. And of course you've got, um, McCree as well, in Bodega. Wait, Torbjorn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fat, and he's ginger-bearded, and he's got the same accent, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys ever, ever experienced the joys of, uh, business class air travel? I have. Oh my goodness. One time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time I've ever been in business and it was, or anything other than, than premium economy, which I think is pretty premium usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like their kind of, um, retainer or whatever. It's like show runner. What's it called? I think they say metal bands have a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A rider. That's pretty much all they want. A rider. A rider. That's what it is. And I guess that makes sense because it's, they're riding on the plane. So no, it was, it was great. We went to, the plane got delayed for five hours. We went to Whistler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They swapped the plane out for a bigger plane and there were not enough seats in premium economy so we all got upgraded to business. We were all sitting in different places which was great because I didn't have to sit with Duncan and Shin for the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I caught about four hours sleep, which was absolutely heavenly because then when we got to Whistler up at the top of the mountains in Canada, we woke up really early because of jet lag and we went straight out and we skied and it was, it was glorious. It was great. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't actually because I've had, uh, been going to the old, um, gym. So I went to the gym yesterday, saw my personal trainer, got a little story, got a little story about it. Okay, let's hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, you know, going there, and uhm, I get there, like, you know, normally, normal time, nine o'clock. And, uh. Did you just walk in and you say, hey, what's up, dickface?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, yeaah, pretty much. Just like, just a really copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really cocky, like nod and wink, you know, and of course he's chatting away with this young looking blonde.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uhm, and I was like, oh. And then, uhm. Did you have to massage his torn glute? So I said, did you get that from all the gay sex? You did not. You fucking did not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what happened five minutes before that was, um, he, uh, a woman had like approached us. Okay. Like, like way too old to look like she's being the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and she was like, so, so like a blonde woman wearing like a sort of baggy tracksuit. And she, she said, do you know anything about hands to my, to my, to my trainer? Hands? Yeah. And David was like, what do you mean? And she said, well, I've got this lump of my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it really hurts when I lift weights and stuff and he was like, Oh, well, you might have fractured your little bone in your wrist. You need to be careful with that. So go and have a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not on terms with this guy where you can say this shit to him. We are now fine. We are now fine. He cracked a smile and he was like, no, the girl earlier. And then we had a little laugh about it and it was fine. It was fine. It was actually fine. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He asked, she asked for that though. So it's fine. That's the thing, you know, getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, just, okay, do whatever you want in your own bedchamber. Be careful out there, folks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the reason that you black out because you're being choked by something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think she, like, takes a cheeky vape or something as well? She's like, oh, well, you know, I'm outside now, there's not going to be any plane, I can finally have a quick vape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was like smoking weed, right? Yeah. Just so you know, Duncan was obviously vaping. Everyone was vaping. Smith got a vape pen given to him by a guy who was like marketing a new series of vape pens and had this brand new, like really trendy looking vape pen. Now you were thinking of getting a vape pen, weren't you Sips? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to get the one Smith's got cause you said that he was high the whole time. Well, here's the thing, right? So Smith's vape pen had like whatever, whatever weed liquid you get that stuff in it. Liquid weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like THC, I don't know what it is, but it was full of that. And uhm, obviously they couldn't like take it home or anything, so they were feeling like, oh better, better get some, better use this up while we're here. I don't know how much to tell like about how Phil's, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was basically, I think he was just vaping in the, you know, releases something extremely, ripping some fat clouds in the middle of Vancouver. Right. I think a child just walked through a big strawberry cloud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting ready. Huge, knowledgeable weed guy, right? That's not my forte. I don't smoke a lot of weed. I don't kind of, I never really have. I'm not one of these guys who's obsessed with it. Like some people are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I'm sure it's good, it's good for people who enjoy it, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I, look, I'm not just not, I'm not an expert, okay? Anyway, I, I said to Smith, like, how high are you right now out of ten? And he was like, ooh, about, about six, six or seven. And so he was pretty high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, so he was like, let's go to this Amsterdam cafe, which is this place where they all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to this uhm, this Amsterdam cafe and it was like, it was a shop that was just full of bongs on one side of the room, like a bong collection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, I don't know, I'm not an expert, but I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, my body's a temple, boys, you know, so a little cheeky vape once, once in a while is okay, but I don't want to like fucking smoke on a hooker or anything. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hookah, I don't know what it's, how it's pronounced. Uh, so anywho, uh, we went to this place and it was just full of people, clearly very, very stoned, very, very chilled out people who were all very, you know, although all of them were on their phones. Okay. Clearly watching some, something from like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, r slash mildly interesting or whatever. And so we got, we got stowed and then we went to this fucking restaurant. It was, it was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We basically had like the most stoner conversation ever, you know, you know, like I think at one point, I remember a couple of things. One thing, one thing that I said was lobster cause Smith would like macaroni cheese with lobster in it's a classic American thing, right? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lobster is prawn steak. Oh, and everyone was like, oh my god, that's the most profound thing in the world. Everyone thought that was the most profound thing anyone had ever said. I know, that was the kind of state we were in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not. I'm not very well right now because of Philippine flying back. You know, I always get like airplane colds. Right. You're like George Costanza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it properly a scary thing or is it like a goosebumps or is it like a properly scary thing? I have no fucking idea. Have you never seen the game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so is Five Nights at Freddy's supposed to be okay for kids to play? Like, or not? I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know whether you're just being grumpy around it, but for the sake of being grumpy around it though, cause like, you're like a grumpy dad. I'm like that though sometimes. Like a grumpy dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't come back from that. School's a big part of our kind of upbringing. And I think, I think I'd say it was quite interesting to think about when, so it's one of the reasons I think I liked reading Harry Potter right back in the day. It was because, um, it was set at school and it felt like it had all those kind of schooly,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Memories and things, it sort of, it reminds you a lot of the good times of being at school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. We never had any of that. Proper smart blazer and uh, little cap, some shorts, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't have uniforms, we were just like, we were allowed to wear whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we'll record the podcast from Bristol next week. It could be on the road. Um, that'll be sweet. I'm looking forward to that. Let's have, have we got a bodega? We have a bodega. A bodega? A bodega?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that was a good one, man. That was really good. I liked that a lot. It was excellent. Thank you very much, pflex. My pleasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, with that, we're going to end the Travels podcast here. Thank you for listening everyone. See you next week. Peace. Have a good one. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think he's just a dick. I don't think he's depressed. I think he's one of those people that just hates everybody else and everything they do. Like a lot of comedians are like that. I think Jerry Seinfeld is like that as well. If you're an observational comedian or comedian who jokes about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like regular shit. You have to be someone that is annoyed by and notices every tiny stupid little thing that people do and sort of looks down on it enough to make fun of it. I mean, I'm a big fan of Seinfeld, right? I love the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, so I mean I think that Ray Romano and guys like that, they just hate everybody. And I think they have a big ego and they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but they're different. I think in Seinfeld it's more like, I mean, Kramer is such a great character and Elaine is like, they're all good characters. They're all funny and you're kind of rooting for them all, right? Even though they're all so horribly petty. The point is the other people in the show say to them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, Frazier does stupid shit in the show, right? And so he, you know, he makes bad decisions, he's selfish, but the other characters pick him up on it. That's the thing. You need that balance. If the character was just, they're just all horrible, which is what Everybody Loves Raymond seems like to me. He's got this awful mother, the terrible father, the brother, and Raymond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is actually good, yeaah, it is good. I was surprised, cause if I, I, like if you tune in for an episode randomly, it means nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we went, we went around Rome for like, we were there for like three or four days and stayed in this nice hotel. Rome is great. Like I loved it. It was very, very, very pretty. Rome's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They drive like lunatics, and everywhere, like you'll be on an alleyway having a cup of coffee in a cafe sort of thing, and a guy goes past in a car. Man they love scooters.


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[Assistant] It's a hundred percent. Like, and the hand waving, all that stuff, they do that. Like, they really do that. They all talk with their hands, they're all like, ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy


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[Assistant] Uhm, and we went to the Vatican, uhm, obviously I'm not a religious person at all, but in terms of a building or a series of buildings to see, it's unbelievable. And the main bit we saw was the Saint Peter's Basilica.


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[Assistant] Which is this ridiculous church. It's like, it is like something out of Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings. It's just so incredibly big and grand.


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[Assistant] It's just ludicrously high, and there's this altar, and the whole thing about the Catholic Church seems to be that if you're gonna have a floor,


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[Assistant] Make it huge and marble. If you're gonna have a ceiling, make it like the highest one there is, and marble. And if you've got some marble lying around,


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[Assistant] Put it somewhere. Like, don't waste marble. Get marble everything. And then if there's an altar, you know the bit where the priest does the altary stuff? Let's have an altar. Okay, let's make it 40 stories high and he can stand at the top and throw marble down on the assembled crowd. That's pretty much what happens. The whole place was just ridiculous. I couldn't believe it.


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[Assistant] It is so good. It's jizz-worthy. It's incredible. Okay. I mean, apart from the fact that I don't know how they keep managing to find animals that I haven't seen before in a nature program. Like there are penguins. You say that. You know, the ocean.


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[Assistant] But, so we're watching it, my eldest, she's like seven and a half, she fucking loved it, right? My one who's nearly five, she was in tears. Pretty much the whole time.


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[Assistant] Another one bites the dust! That was her reaction. She was, she was literally in tears. She was trying to get away and I was like holding her. It's like, no, you must learn. And my eldest is going, yeah, you gotta learn about the snakes.


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[Assistant] And then they had, they did have a bit where these penguins live on this island. And this, it's like the largest penguin colony in the world. It's fucking huge.


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[Assistant] It's like this volcanic island and the entire coastline is just like ragged, jagged rocks.


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[Assistant] It's just bonkers to me that something managed to find that foothold. Like there was a niche in nature that said, you know what we need is a flightless bird, which can fuck off in the first place, and then it can barely walk.


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[Assistant] Right? It's like this, this fat waddling thing that can't fly. Uh, it can swim real well, but it has no arms to climb. And it has to get down from a cliff.


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[Assistant] And then it has to swim 50 miles, which is how far these penguins swam. And then, uh, it has to come back and, in our colony of tens of thousands of penguins, find its mate.


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[Assistant] Cause they've got those little vestigial wings, right? So there must have been something further back in the line that was a flying bird. And then at some point that branched off and that branch was like, fuck flying. I know I'm a bird and I know that's bird heresy, but I'm taken to the seas and just decided to be a swimming bird. I'm like, wait.


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[Assistant] If God created penguins, he fucked up, dude. What was he thinking? What kind of design decision is that? Look at it!


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[Assistant] Uhm, we walked around a lot, like we just walked, we ate like, yeah, obviously lovely Italian food every day and just hung out and it was very romantic and very nice. And, uh, it was, it was good. It was good. And then got back and obviously we had the, uh, we were going to go to, I don't know if, I shall not mention its name on Friday, the Friday of, in October. You know what I'm talking about?


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[Assistant] And then it was my mate's 40th birthday and I got absolutely hammered, um, and spent the next two days recovering.


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[Assistant] We're like, that's it. There's no topping it. We're done. It's done. Yep.


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[Assistant] No, my mum used to get me, because I mean, obviously my parents were divorced, so there was no dad to hand. So I had to step up. I've been a dad most of my life, god damn it, like in spirit. Holy shit. So I had to go up and I did the fireworks because my mum insisted. This explains the hell.


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[Assistant] I remember a friend of mine invited me around one time for fireworks night and I was like, he's got, yeah, we're going to have fireworks. I was like, oh cool. And it was just a single pack of the indoor fireworks. Like the, the, the weird thing that you light is like a tablet and the snake comes out of the top of it. It's like the least, the most underwhelming thing.


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[Assistant] We generally, we generally put a string of lights around like the windows and doorframes and stuff like that and some outside. But uhm, I don't put like, nothing that flashes on and off. Like it's a nice steady, peaceful glow.


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[Assistant] Makeup just bonkers. But made from a point of view the person doesn't realise it's bonkers. Those are my favourites. When you see something that's just like, why is ET playing the baby Jesus here? That's what I like.


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[Assistant] You know what, that's the thing I don't like is people who get stressed about Christmas. But the thing is, bare in mind,


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[Assistant] That we're not seeing this from, and this is going to sound sexist, but I honestly think it's true, from a woman's perspective.


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[Assistant] You know, Oliver! That is a hell of a long movie. I'd forgotten how long it is. But, uh, I always sing that song, um,


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[Assistant] Uh, cause it's such a tragic song, it's actually, it's like the slave trade, right, with this, this orphan kid.


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[Assistant] And I sing that to the kids all the time. If I, if I claim I'm going to sell them, I walk around singing that song. It's quite funny. Anyway, we watched it and they were like, that's that song you were singing. I was like, yeah, this is the musical it came from. This is all of it. And they watched the whole thing, like with rapt attention and they just couldn't believe how shitty that kid's life was. And it kind of made me think that.


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[Assistant] The ones that look like broken men, they're the ones that, they've given up.


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[Assistant] That's true, in a time of war, they might even require a 40-year-old man like me to go and, uh, die, uh, to, uh, you know, soak up some enemies.


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[Assistant] They put you in charge of the magic. You'd be like, I think we're gonna go deep, deep into the forest. We're gonna portage the crap out of this forest. Way, way deep, just in case. You guys just leave us out there. Don't worry about us. Okay, we'll be fine. We're just gonna set up our HQ.


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[Assistant] But they were like saluting and everything, and they were like, yep. You did your duty, back to Japan, you go. It's like, it's not their fault. It fucking is their fault. See, sense. Look at this shit. The war clearly isn't still going on, lads. Think about it. 30 years? Come on.


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[Assistant] I think what they could have done was wheeled up a giant screen and projected footage of Japan surrendering and bombs falling and like colour television and people saying, World War II, glad that ended back in 1945 and like just broadcast that day and night into the jungle until eventually these guys go, yea alright maybe it's over.


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[Assistant] I didn't know. I mean, I didn't know at all. So I was genuinely moved by it because it was just so staggering at the moment. I was like, oh my god, that is so good. That is so fucking good.


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[Assistant] So when, uh, and then obviously, you know, like the payoff is you have all those moments where your favorite characters get killed brutally and everything, but then the payoff is that the bad guys also die sometimes. And that's like so cathartic when you see like Ramsey Bolton or what was that other shithead, the guy with the blonde hair, Joffrey, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, honestly, I'm kinda sympathetic to Cersei. Like, if you look at the people that she's surrounded by, don't get me wrong, she's a cold bitch, right? But so is every other fucker in Game of Thrones. There's hardly any good guys.


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[Assistant] And she does genuinely just want them, like she wants the same thing for them that her father wanted for her, which was the only way to stay protected in this shitty world that some bastard's written us into is to have enough power to fuck over anybody that tries to fuck with you, and if you don't


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[Assistant] But, she's, she's, she's not an idiot, she's just a bitch, but she's, she's gotta be. Like she's the product of her environment, so, and her parents, so I don't judge Cersei that badly. Jon Snow's the good guy, obviously. He's like the ultimate good guy.


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[Assistant] My only problem with Jon Snow is that when he comes back to life, I'm kind of thinking that's a bit like when they write a character out of a series and then bring him back a series later, like, uh, viewing figures were falling, so don't worry, he's back. It was just a trip that he took, uh, to the moon and he's back now.


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[Assistant] Great value. Are you, are you inquiring whether there's a bodega paziente? I was, yea. There is a paziente.


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[Assistant] He was in the mind prison. Yeah, the virtual mind prison. That's right. Escaped by channeling, uh, that little piece of majestic that was embedded in his brain. His former girlfriend majestic. Um, and so he'd used that to turn into a kind of ethereal being like her and had escaped. Um, so now Bodega, part seven.


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[Assistant] When he'd escaped the virtual prison, see episode 6, he'd been forced to deploy the shard of majestic power that lay in his mind, which to that point had been dormant, or so he'd assumed. Now it was gone, consumed by his transformation into


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[Assistant] Whatever Majesta was. He probably should have found out the name for her people when they were together, but frankly, that time had been bone central. Every day, all day, just getting busy like Crevians, and screaming around the galaxy in the Disco Volantis, screwing and shitting stuff sometimes. In short, it fucking owned, and Bodega missed it.


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[Assistant] He remembered the time they'd taken the Crooked Casino on Bismuth 11 for all its coin. The time they'd busted those rebel prisoners out of Hisac using just a drinking straw and some chapstick.


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[Assistant] The time they destroyed an entire solar system with the doom egg of the Death Lord, Mr. Pringle. Now that was a long story. Good times. So many good times. And of course the constant shagging, which was really, really, really good. Just incredible. He was getting a semi just thinking about it.


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[Assistant] Turns out Bodega missed Majesta. That little shard of her maybe kept that longing at bay. Maybe she was even kinda with him all this time, but hopefully not when he was on the can or jerkin' it to Spolupian porn.


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[Assistant] He looked at the floor and saw tiny pools of tears reflecting the light from the cockpit. In the reflection of one, he saw something move. Just a teeny tiny little reflection of something to his right.


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[Assistant] Bodega's reflexes being what they are, i.e. honed to flav, he dived backwards over the bed and was up and ready in a heartbeat, lasgun in hand. His captors had been too worried about the Disco Volante's many booby traps to ever board it and strip it, so all his shit was secure.


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[Assistant] Bodega, said a voice. Majesta's voice. He fell apart. Laid out completely. A TKO of the heart. Baby, baby I'm hurtin', he whimpered.


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[Assistant] I know. I'm sorry my love, she said. He still couldn't see her. Just sort of sensed her loitering around the edges of his subconscious. And then she was gone. Then suddenly she was back. Behind him. To the side. Then what felt like a mile away. What the flav? Was she just fooling with his achy breaky heart?


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[Assistant] Bodega, I need you to meet me, she said again, her voice distant and ethereal.


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[Assistant] Where, baby, where? I got a subscription to Nekflav so we can chill and such like. Oh my god. Come to the planet Stroian 9 at the base of the highest peak on that world and you'll find my estate. I'll be waiting.


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[Assistant] The engines of the Disco Volante were at maximum burn before the full stop on the end of that sentence had faded. It was 12 hours to the destroyer system, Bodega did it in three.


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[Assistant] He spiraled down through the thick upper atmosphere, his ship roaring across the sky, engines swirling the clouds behind him. High altitude hoverbirds and strange floating gas bag creatures scrambled clear, but Bodega plowed on, disturbing this tranquil place with the brutality of the warship.


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[Assistant] Why hello there little Bodega Jr. said Bodega smiling. He felt something in his heart go twang like an old guitar string that badly needed tuning. This was an unfamiliar sensation.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you wouldn't know what that meant. You know what jerking it means. Like there are some things that never change. Even when you're out in the galaxy, and everything's all crazy, and there's all kinds of weird animals and stuff, swear words might change, just like they do in real life and stuff, but jerking it is jerking it. That's it. That ain't never gonna change.


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[Assistant] But you have to look after your parents if you're the youngest child, right? You're the youngest child, you gotta look after the parents. And they name their kids.


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[Assistant] And Putu is normally the firstborn son's name. Okay, yeah. But when they have too many kids, it just wraps around.


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[Assistant] So he's the, he's the younger pootoo. So there's the older brother pootoo and he's pootoo too, but he's the youngest pootoo. Okay. Right. So because he's the youngest, he has to look after.


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[Assistant] Uh, brothers and sisters just argue with each other about who's gonna have to look after mom and dad now they're getting on. And I think it's kind of sad, uhm, but they've had to structure it into the fabric of...


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[Assistant] No, I know you don't remember me, but listen, I've got a question for you.


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[Assistant] And they'd have nicknames. They'd have nicknames. Like, they'd probably call the youngest one would be like little brother or something like that. So they'd just say, little brother, you go do that. So, you know, they'd have a way. I mean, it's not like they just walk around confused all the time.


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[Assistant] And the pooties evolve into mega pootoo. I choose you, pootoo.


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[Assistant] I did, yeaah. It's a ceremonial thing that in the temples that they have in Bali, for the morning, sort of before the morning prayers and everything, they shed blood by, by sort of sacrifice, okay.


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[Assistant] Bloody pootoo they call him, he's always got cuts and things. So they'll kill a chicken or something. So to get around the fact that cockfighting is, you know,


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[Assistant] And there's all these guys, I'm like the only foreigner there, they all look at me for like two seconds and then they're back to looking at the cock fight. And they've got these two things, and I didn't realise that they put a razor on the sort of spur of the cock roll, otherwise the fight goes on too long.


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[Assistant] So you put this on there, and then whichever one does it will just razor the other one, and that's it. Fight over, blood sacrifice done, no suffering, they kill the chicken, and on you go. Well, mine are suffering anyway.


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[Assistant] And he says to me, which one's gonna win? And they think, cause I'm like this foreign outsider, I'll pick the lucky chicken. So I was like, I think that one's gonna win. And like the betting was changing based on my prediction. Cause they were all like, oh yea, get in on the...


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[Assistant] The foreigners bet, I went in on this, that's gonna be lucky sort of thing. So they're all betting and the betting's just changed and then the guy's holding up the chickens and everyone's numbering like this and then he holds up the other one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but here they're pinned in, and because you've been poking them at each other, it's like starting a fight. It's like grabbing someone's hands and pushing another person, making them push each other, and then pushing them into a ring. And they're so stupid, they're like, hey, why were you pecking me? You know, they don't say, wait a minute, why are we being forced into this futile struggle?


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[Assistant] Just for, for another beings entertainment. Let us be friends. And then the other corporal sees an opening, slashes his throat and lives. That's pretty much it. It was, it was, it was brutal.


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[Assistant] Exactly. And I mean, I just thought, I am never gonna get another chance. It's like a tradition here, so I kind of felt like I wasn't going to some seedy, backroom thing.


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[Assistant] I mean, they're gonna kill, they're gonna kill a chicken anyway. And this just adds perhaps a cruel moment in the front. The chicken's still gonna die, it's still gonna get its neck rung, and they're still gonna eat it. Like, you know, that's the way it goes. So I didn't feel terrible. It wasn't like a couple of dogs where you think, shit, this could have been somebody's pet.


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[Assistant] Don't be a pussy. Just a chick with his eye hanging out. What? Don't be such a fucking pussy.


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[Assistant] No, it was a big part of it. And the other thing is they have temples.


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[Assistant] All over the island. Like these are like your, your, each family has a little...


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[Assistant] Okay, so they're there, and that's that. So when you're going around, the road will sort of meander around this little shrine that's there in the middle of the road sort of thing, and they're just sort of there everywhere.


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[Assistant] And the hotel we were staying at was a ridiculously nice hotel because my dad was like, I'll send you guys somewhere nice for your honeymoon. I was like, thank you so much. That was like his present to us. So we're at this amazing, stunning five-star hotel with this golf course. I don't play golf.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was great. It was the best two weeks. Uhm, but I'm playing golf on the golf course and there's a shrine in the middle of the fairway on like the fourth hole. So there's this shrine and my instructor, I'd had like a week of lessons. Every time I had a lesson, he'd just sort of shake his head.


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[Assistant] We'll try again tomorrow, like that. Like I just couldn't get the hang of it. I was terrible. I was really stiff and I didn't, didn't get the hang of the swing and I was just like hacking at this ball.


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[Assistant] Exactly, it's kind of loose, you know, and I, I didn't get that. His English was very halting, so he couldn't really tell me what was going wrong, but he knew to say, very bad, very, very bad, like that, but it's pretty much what he knew. Putu hates you. Putu hates your swing. I was like, okay, I get it. So we're out there on a fair way.


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[Assistant] Don't be afraid. So I'm on the fairway and I'm ready to drive. And he says to me, don't hit the shrine. It's like, okay. He said, do not hit the shrine. We'll get in big trouble. I was like, okay. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she'd just leap off the golf cart and sprint in there, full pace, and she'd have the ball in like two seconds. And at the end, the guy said to me, because you tip everybody in Bali if you're a foreigner, because they all earn so little, right? And I said to him, how much should I tip her because she worked really hard? He said, oh don't give her much, she's just a golf cart girl. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I gave him a good tip and I gave her the same amount and this caused some kind of friction.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you do, but the amount that I'd given her was, was so much that she was like, stunned.


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[Assistant] But it was like £5. But to them that was like, like most of the people that worked at the hotel didn't earn a salary. They earned like a meal. That was where they got paid in. So they'd come into work, they'd have, they'd eat breakfast at home, they'd come into work, they'd get a lunch at the restaurant. It would be nice food because it's like the hotel food. But that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they were, and then in the evening they were off. But they worked like 18 hour days for no actual money, just food. So that's saving the family some money, and she's out of the house, I guess, and tips is what they live on. So they're at the hotel, they don't get paid by the hotel, because the hotel's like, what, we're feeding you and you get tips from all these rich foreigners, what more do you want? It's shocking. So when I gave her the tip, that was like a big chunk of change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, for a Balinese lady, but yea, it was, it was scary. I mean, that was the problem is, it was this beautiful island, but I felt super depressed, cause any time you went anywhere, there were just all these incredibly poor people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was so grateful? They were trying to sell shit all the time. If we're taking a coach trip somewhere, they're running alongside the van that we were in, like banging on the windows and holding up shit they're selling. And this guy's got like this beautifully carved, mahogany sort of little sort of snake thing he's trying to sell. This other guy's trying to sell some, some sort of wooden, uh, kitchen implements. And this other guy, swear to God,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure they stick the price high, but they still haggle. Like, if you go up, they'll say a hundred whatevers, and you'll say, pfft, I'm not paying a hundred, and they'll say 80, 80 whatevers. And you'll say, geez, 80? Come on, I'll give you 60. And I realize I'm haggling over 5p. Like, that's how much it is to me. But they're doing it, and I'm doing it, and you realize you're haggling over literally pocket change.


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[Assistant] I got a complete change of subject here. This was something that really, really made me laugh this morning, okay. I'm on the way back from dropping the kids at school and it's recycling day around here on a Thursday and so everybody's put out their recycling. Something has fallen out of one of the recycling bins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was for Mrs. F. It was just like their usual mass billing thing that they do that, not billing thing, it's just a mail out that just says, hey, you can get a credit card now with an incredible rate of 1,000 APR, sign up here. Like you could see the branding was the same logo on the front, same little word and I could see it and everything.


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[Assistant] But written on the front of the envelope was, stop moving my letters. Right? Was written there, like, scrawled there in biro.


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[Assistant] And I realized like this had been written because someone in this person's house was moving their letters around.


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[Assistant] And they'd seen this letter wherever they leave their post, like most people when the post comes in, they've got like a little table, or they tuck it in, like there's a place where you put the post so it's not just on the mat next to the front door. And there'd obviously been someone in their house that they live in with was moving their letters.


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[Assistant] These are all flats. So this bit along here is all flats. Not me, but like our house is all, uhm, our road is all terraced houses. But the other part, sort of next to our road that I walked past, it's all, it's ex-council flats that are now just flats, right?


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[Assistant] This is someone living in the house and whoever they're living with, their family or their housemate or whatever, has been moving their letters. They're nan. It's actually your nan, isn't it? It's your house. It's my nan, obviously. It is not. I want to stop that right there. This is not me, okay? I do not care about who moves my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I liked about it was- Was this very angrily written? Very, like scratched, really scratched. So, first of all, whoever's writing it, I like the idea that their letters have to be in this place, not in the other place. Okay? And then they've obviously re-put the letters where they were, and they've written on the top one, stop moving my letters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very British thing as well, isn't it? But second of all, nobody gets letters anymore. It's all junk mail or a bill. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I also like the idea that this person sits there with their letters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same. People look at my handwriting, like I have to write in the reading records. So when my kids come home from school with reading books, we read them and then I write in the little record book what books they read and how they did. So the teacher can keep tabs on how their reading's going and whether they should move them up a group or down a group or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've realized now that the teacher must look at my handwriting and think, such a shame that their father is mentally backwards, uh, because-


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[Assistant] And I'm sure this, like, my handwriting wasn't always terrible. I mean, recently I have uncovered all my old D&D books. And I've put them up because I've got these new shelves. Anyone that's watched my stream will have seen. I've got new shelves and I've liberated all my- Hey, I saw! Right, it's all up.


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[Assistant] Like, you know what I mean? So it's like, this is the way it is. I built it this way. It's going this way. It's fine. It's fine. So anyway- Is the room too small or is the bed- Is the room what?


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[Assistant] Too big. Both. That's a good question. What kind of, what size bed is it? Just to give us a little... It's just a single bed. It's just a single bed. So I've realized that the width of the room is a single bed plus maybe two feet.


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[Assistant] Really, really quickly. Yeah. But honestly, it's just, it's just the fact that I'm trying to write at the same speed I type at, and it's just so slow and laborious, I just get bored of making the letters look like letters and they just turn into squiggles.


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[Assistant] Do you know what the key is? The key is to playing horror games and not getting scared. And I've started doing this if I ever play one.


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[Assistant] This is how you get past it, alright? For anyone out there watching and thinking, oh I always try to play horror games because I get too scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's basically, you have to break into your neighbor's house and he's, it's very cartoony. Like he's this big burly guy that looks like a slightly sort of a fairly wealthy middle-aged guy who's maybe, he used to be kind of athletic in his youth and now maybe he still goes shooting occasionally. You know, he's, he's got that look about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He chases you around, you gotta try and hide from him. So it's like a stealth game, but he also, you have to run from him. You can barricade stuff and sometimes he, he will do stuff to try and trap you. So he will barricade doors and you can take out light bulbs to sort of hide in the dark and stuff. If you watch some videos, it looks absolutely petrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did- I made it one minute into the VR horror demo where you're just walking around a creepy house and then something jumps out at you. One minute, alright? I started- No fucking way. I'm walking down the- down the- the hallway, a picture falls off the wall, I took off the headset. I was like, I'm done. That's it. And they were like- this was the demo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phone calls coming from inside the house. That's what the operator says. The first time I heard that story, it scared the shit out of me. I would have been about 11 or 12 years old. And my friend and I were reading, he had this book of scary stories and we were reading it together and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were sort of reading it, and we just sat there next to each other, like in his room, we're just reading the book next to it together. And you could tell we were reading at the same speed, because we both got to the final, like the reveal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean, it's not scary now, like it's a trope, you know, it's like so cliché. But the thing is, the first time you hear all this stuff, it's not cliché for you, it's genuinely terrifying. So we were like, oh my god, that was so scary, like we couldn't believe it. And we went downstairs and told his dad, and his dad was like, jeez, that's like the oldest story around, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does that scare you? And we're like, well, we only just heard it for the first time. It's still scary. So, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh jeez, alright. We got bodega? We do. It's, it's, uh, it's an interesting one this week. It's very, very different to the other ones, but are you ready? Is it? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, zero, one, droned Kratos Nebesh, one of the most surveilled men in the galaxy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was arguably the best and most prolific computer hacker in the galaxy, and for three years he'd been under house arrest in his apartment on SNIDE 4. And for that entire period, even in his sleep, he'd been emitting a string of binary digits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Investigator Patar knew this because for those three years she'd been watching Nebesh on a small monitor in a tiny, cramped, hateful surveillance truck jammed up against her large, sweaty, hateful tech assistants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as his trial at the Supreme Court of Snide had ended the way it had, in a legal deadlock, he was doomed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any trial on snide was essentially a life sentence, thanks to the insanity of their judiciary. 90% of the beings on snide were lawyers, or worked for lawyers. The other 10% were cops or judges. Every other need and function was handled by robot. Everything was automated. Except, by law, the law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a result, the planet's entire economy was structured around lawsuits. And naturally, Patar was being sued by both of her tech assistants, and she in turn was countersuing them. The cases would never see a courtroom, thanks to the decades-long backlog. However, since the economy of Patar depended on people's possible lawsuit settlements, this was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the first few weeks, the surveillance team had worked around the clock to figure out what the binary code meant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it turned out to be a recipe for soup. Other times it was just a string of prime numbers. Once, it was the transcript for the entire 12-season run of How I Sued Your Mother, a popular sitcom starring, of course, robots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years worth of ones and zeros, and none of it meant a thing. Nebesh knew that there were hundreds of people watching and listening to his every move. Not just the feds, but every law firm in town was also watching him. He had chosen to defend himself in court, and under Snidian law, this meant he was open to being sued by every law firm that he hadn't hired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Each was entitled to surveil him themselves, and each did. And since his apartment, by nature of his crimes, was a Faraday cage, it was impossible to listen in from a distance. No communication could be made into or out of Nebuchadnezzar's lair except by hardline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hence why the outside of his apartment was a mass of cables and wires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He placed an impenetrable Shrovian forcefield around the apartment to protect himself from assassins, and the code lock was on the outside, so he could never be coerced into opening it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was unassailable and uncorruptible. No legal compunctional physical threat could force him to open the force field because it was impossible for him to do so. Similarly, nobody could ever crack the code so it was impossible to break in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He couldn't signal outside anyway, thanks to the Faraday cage. It was a remarkable stalemate. Nothing got in, nothing got out, except for the surveillance footage, and the feds and the lawyers had control of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a result of this mess, the Nebbish case was the number one employer on Snide 4. If the case ever ended, it would disrupt the economy so much that it would lead to a runaway recession. Investigative Patash shuddered. Her entire existence and the livelihoods of billions of people involved surveilling a man whose case was so important it couldn't be allowed to end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She picked up her phone and checked the newsfeed. Nothing of interest. Pork belly futures were up. There was a traffic jam between sectors 18 and 19. And there was going to be a brief scheduled power outage in their area in about 10 minutes time. Nothing to worry about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The power outage was bang on schedule. Street lights blinked out one by one, then after about a minute they blinked back on. One of them seemed to be taking its sweet time as she stared at it, hypnotized by its incessant blinking. Blink, blink, blink, blink, pause, blink, blink, blink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patar yawned. What a life. She checked the monitors. There was nebbish droning on. Zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, zero. After a few minutes of listening to zeros and ones for the billionth time, she checked her phone. Another scheduled power outage? Jeez, what was going on at the power plant? She would sue, but it was all run by robots, and they had no legal status.