[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Why don't you hit these guys up? And, and tell them. So this is Scott here. Scott. Hetsco and Matt Molloy. Yeah. I mean. Live at 13 WHAM. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's uh, he's, oh here we go, so he's at Scott Hesco.


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[Assistant] H-E-T-S-K-O. H-E-T-S-K-O. Tell him. Tell him, be like, dude we were watching your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your show with Matt, you are so fucking funny. You're the funniest guy. We have, I thought I knew comedy until I watched Live at 13 Wham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I know what funny is. Now I laugh. You and Matt are two true comedy pioneers. You don't even have to claim to be funny. We're watching your show and you guys are just that naturally funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just remind them. I mean, tell them. You guys are, your studio looks great and you're really fucking funny guys. So make sure you tell them that they, they're hilarious.


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[Assistant] We see, sometimes people get excited about shit that I don't think you should get excited about and we kind of call them, we call them dad boners. Like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, gets excited about, you know, the Trans-Canada Highway, okay? Just to give you some reference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the kind of guy that finds those two news guys funny. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a guy on the road this year from Buffalo all year. Well yea, cool guy with the radio. Yea yea, Josh Potter, yea you know him. Great guy, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a six fingered answer. Hey Hitlers, I'm just a black guy that got out of jail and liked to fuck. Um, I had to stop, I had to stop my cum hug to write this email about the question of the advantages and disadvantages of being born with six fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a glass and musu beaten man with six fingers on one hand, I can answer this puzzling question. We in the six finger community do not acknowledge a middle finger. Also from experience, it is not an advantage in the fingering men, women, zim and zers. But I believe it does add to the experience when you rub, rub, rub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you take a shit on the toilet, do you wipe and then get in the shower?


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[Assistant] People sent in some song submissions. You wanna hear it? So crazy, isn't it? And machines within. So this guy has been making, has been writing songs.


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[Assistant] It's weird when you talk somebody down from a bad idea. But this, like he said, there's definitely something here. Uh, so this came in for a machines with intake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Musically inclined people who will take the, uh, the kernel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, very nice. I actually think that's beautiful. So last week the same, uhm, artist submitted another song, or this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just so people know, so for this whole week, you can get 15% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my store, go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, use the code cyber15, C-Y-B-E-R. 15, you get 15% off everything in the store. Just glass and bikes, uhm.


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[Assistant] Machines within, uh, the Santa wears jeans hat.


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[Assistant] All that stuff. Uh, a couple people asked me about, uhm, Machines Within Guy, uhm, about his shirt. He is, is getting, uhm, money for it. So he's, we've reached out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, um, that all that money goes to, uh, children's hospital of Los Angeles. So that's not on sale, but everything else is vinyl, all that shit. Vinyl is crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Vinyl. So, um, I think that's about it, Gene. We have, uh, one other thing here and then it's time to go. Um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, somebody wrote to us, I went to the post office. As you know, post offices are fairly quiet for the most part. Soon as I walk in, I hear an older lady blaring church music through her phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While waiting to be called, when her number was called, she didn't turn off the music. Just set her phone on the counter while getting help by the employee. All of us there were stunned. No one said anything. Should someone have said something or let it pass? I really, I didn't really mind, but it was weird and uncomfortable. Thanks, Jeans and Nicholas. I think you're insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're walking around playing music and then put your phone down and play music through it. I even think people are crazy walking around playing music when they're walking around out loud for everybody. Like we all have to hear your fucking musical preferences. I think someone should definitely say something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other person goes, excuse me? And she goes, don't you see the sign?


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[Assistant] Um, so go see Joey Diaz. He'll be at the Sacramento punchline. You only have two shows left. You can get into December 7th, which is Thursday. And yeah, Thursday and Friday, like the early show, the late show probably is one of them. So that'll be the Sacramento punchline. Uh, check out Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Christina P., you can see, uh, Mother Inferior on Netflix, if you have not yet seen it. It's streaming on Netflix. She'll be in New York next few days. Yeah, I'm doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, uh, she has her dates available at ChristinaP online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she's coming to, uh, uh, uh, Shark Lake Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that I finally, like, started to come down off of this edible and I was like, man, that was horrible. That was horrible. And I come down and I go, I just, I'm amazed at his tolerance and I go, I just can't believe how much you can tolerate, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember we got to Calusa. I still remember this. We got to Calusa and they're like, do you guys want to go to the buffet?


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[Assistant] We were like sure, but I was still had that like after high where you know, you know, you're not as hungry as you think you are because the weed is making you feel like you have munchies.


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[Assistant] So, I go to the buffet line, and I come back with a salad, because I'm trying to fight


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[Assistant] And so here it is, Jean. It's show time. The business is done. Let's get into it with the realness. You ready? Yeah. Let's get this show started. Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I went to the doctor and I just said like, look, man, normally I would just ride this out and it's just a cold or something, but I can't risk.


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[Assistant] Anything, so he's just like, we'll just give you fucking high dosage of everything.


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[Assistant] But he told me, don't risk it, don't text while driving. I can't do it. So, we'll see you man. I hope I make it through it.


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[Assistant] But she is giving you ways to figure it out, which I appreciate.


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[Assistant] I'd rather your pussies smell like a fucking sewer in New Orleans the day after Mardi Gras than smell patchouli oil.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you can tell by shoe wear, foot wear, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, I guess you could tell, right? By smelling her underwear.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that's probably why we work together.


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[Assistant] Jesus. I remember encountering one that was not- In where?


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[Assistant] I mean I wasn't eating fucking meals down there, you know?


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[Assistant] Right. Yeah, you just shove it in and you're done.


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[Assistant] I've smelled my own balls sometimes, where I've been like, Jesus man.


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[Assistant] That, that area between the, your thigh and the ball bag, you can put your thumb down there like this. Yeah. It's nasty. Not on every day, but there's some days where you're like, that is foul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see her other, her other insight. Let's check out Dr. Mel. Sure.


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[Assistant] Well, I thought she struggled just enough where it would imply that maybe English is a second language. Okay. That's what I thought.


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[Assistant] Good theories. This is an interesting theory.


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[Assistant] She also says you could do this, I didn't know. This is like, a pretty aggressive move.


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[Assistant] Could be. That'd be a good guess.


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[Assistant] That's not, you just stop guessing. Never guess again.


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[Assistant] Uhm, this is kind of exciting. One of the things that we play on here quite often is, you know, when, when great audio comes into our life. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Let me see if I can, this is, this was such a big hit on our show and we assumed it was gone, uh, that it would never enter our life again.


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[Assistant] So for those that don't know, for over a year, this woman has been leaving messages for Salome.


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[Assistant] Every time people write in, our Farsi-speaking listeners translate for us.


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[Assistant] I mean you had every, we all had good reason to believe it was going.


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[Assistant] She was, uh, leaving messages to cover your lemon, your citrus in plastic bags. We had that one time. That just fell out.


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[Assistant] Okay, this is a huge announcement. Here we go, we'll get started. And explosions. Okay.


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[Assistant] Sound Effect 1. Now that usually means big announcement. Chips in a bowl. Okay, that's a big announcement.


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[Assistant] And. Yes. Now we go through the regular big announcement.


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[Assistant] And now, to cap it off, to make it even the biggest of all announcements, a new sound effect.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so it's uh, it's super your mom's house centric. Yes. Yeah, it's a really great hour. I watched it live, twice.


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[Assistant] I even have a little video of things I put on YouTube and I watch all those together.


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[Assistant] There's definitely people that do that. That's crazy. 100% people that do that.


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[Assistant] Speaking of patois, this is a real Jamaican guy, and he's blown away that an Asian man is in his store and speaks patois. It's pretty funny.


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[Assistant] That is weird, right? There's certain, like, faces to put an accent on it, you just go like, that doesn't add up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just different stuff. I mean, no, but it's true. Like when you see, whenever you see like gingers in speaking Spanish, I always am like, oh, that's interesting. Like you just don't assume that a ginger speaks Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like Canelo, uh, Alvarez, the boxer, he's just this redhead white guy. And you know, he's Mexican, so he speaks just Spanish. His English is terrible. And when I would study abroad, like I remember there was, you know, there's redheads and you're like, you speak Spanish? And they're like, yeah, I was born here. And you're like, oh yeah. He got, you guys are everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that's the most, that's the wildest of all. When white people are fluent in any Asian language, it's, and it usually, by the way, blows Asian people's minds. Like that's, like when my sister spoke Mandarin at that dinner, do you remember that? Yeah, yes, of course, yeah.


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[Assistant] We didn't say that? I don't know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean. Rup. Rup. Rup.


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[Assistant] Do you want to see his early footage now? Pretty cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, he's been jerking his dick forever, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, all he wants to do is just nut. All day.


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[Assistant] I think he's been married. I think he's done been married. I think he's been through a few.


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[Assistant] I think present time. He's just so much more experienced.


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[Assistant] That's nothing new, but now he'd be like, pull that circumstances back. And let me do it really for you.


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[Assistant] You know what the key was though? We set out all these traps and everything. The guy that came over to our house showed me that under, under a sink in the kitchen, uh, where the pipe comes in, I might've already said this, but if I didn't,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like where the pipe comes in, there's also a space where the pipe meets the wall and it's bigger than the space needed for the pipe to fit through the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sprayed it in there, so there's no weight and we never saw them again after that.


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[Assistant] Then you get electricians. Gene? I'm gonna take a dump in here.


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[Assistant] Depends on how good the meal looks and how bad I have to shit.


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[Assistant] If it's a mediocre meal, I'll be like, I'll just shit later. But if it's like, if I go like, this is going to be an awesome meal, you know, then I'll go shit now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I walk into a place and I order food and they're like, food's on the way. Oh. And I'm like, I have to take a shit. And I'm like, this is gonna be an amazing meal. I'll go clear the chamber to really enjoy the meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all there's like, there's like, I could take a shit and I have to shit. Those are different.


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[Assistant] But if like, if I go that half to shit right now, I'll still go. It just depends, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, how, how severe. And again, how good this meal's gonna be.


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[Assistant] If it's like really enjoyable, I'd rather not have that feeling of having to shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, should we, I think we should pause because I think our guest is going to be here any moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's a great thing to bring up when he gets here. We'll be back very soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're here under the weather. We're here with, uh, you don't even know. Oh my God. Don't even tell her. So, you know, fighters have nicknames, right? So it's like Iron Mike Tyson. Do you know what his nickname is as a fighter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, are you ready? Yeah. Tell her your nickname as a fighter. Big Brown.


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[Assistant] So did you guys, when you're, cause there's all these stories about like, uh, I don't know if you remember when Phelps, Michael Phelps was training. Yeah. That he was eating like 12,000 calories a day. Yeah. Did you have like heavy intake when you're training or no? Like did you eat calorically a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest thing for that, if like you, if you follow football, you think about like those two-a-days and then you're like, wait, how are guys still fat? You know, because like I'm serious. Like you would go, you, you think about like how much you're moving and burning in, in like, in like a summer camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mentality has always been like, I would do like an hour workout with a trainer and then be like, I guess I could eat like 15,000 calories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what? In terms of what, that you don't want to appear like too much of a stud?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not cool. That's lame. That's for anybody. It's super lame. It's also like, it's funny with comedy, if you have a physical attribute that is like a blessing, you almost want to disguise it. Like super muscular guys shouldn't try to show the muscles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. I think there's a lot to be said for that. I noticed for years now, when I would tour with Joe, and uh, he'd do big shows, or even when he would shoot, he would wear like, baggy, long sleeve shirts. Always, always. Never like showing that he's in shape, never showing the tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want, if you want to try someone else. Oh yeah? For real. Yeah, yeah. We got someone for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah? Yeah. The dude's tight, you like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't rock that thing again. It's tough to rock that again. Yeah. I mean, like you, she has, she just shot a special and before you got here, well, we just, she started in Seattle, but we just announced that it's airing, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Netflix, October 10th, thanks bro. That's what's up. Big time. She has a very fashionable Christian Dior couture dress on. I had to hide these tits because. Yea, you can't wear it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it would suck. At least let's not act like it wouldn't, like we would all love our children regardless, but it's not like that going through that would be fun. It's painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that wild? Do you know that like, so, you don't know his story really, but he was a- I was born a woman. Born a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, you know what? That's how every comic thinks though. Every comic who hears anyone say something in their head thinks like, oh shit, I wonder what they're gonna think about me. Everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was going to these fights, cause I was, I was, I was torn with Joe. With Rogan's tickets? Yea, but I was, I was opening for him. Yea. And I think it was in, uh, Vancouver maybe? Oh, I thought Arlovski. No, I think, I thought you fought Mitrione at that point. Oh Mitrione, yes, yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't know, it's Toronto, okay. I don't know any, I didn't know anybody in the U.S. You know what I mean? Like I know some of the big names sometimes. But yea, I mean, you know, I like football and stuff. So I'm sitting there and Callan shows up and he's like, my boy's fighting in this. And I was like, who's your boy? And so we're like, it's like the weigh-ins, you know? And he's like, he's coming up, he's coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes, uh, he's telling me about like, this is what this guy does. This was this guy. He goes, yeah, my boy is fighting this guy that used to play college football. So then I go, you know, I'm like a big, I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, go tigers, dude, let's see. Bro, I played for CU though! He never mentioned it! He never mentioned it. So, so then, at the wins, I go, yo man, like, LSU's gonna fuck you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at the fights, man, uh, it was amazing. I was sitting next to Kallen. You would have thought it was Kallen's seven year old son. I mean, he was like, he was so nervous and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he was like, he wasn't listening to anything I was saying, he was so zoned, and you won that fight. And man, when you won the fight, he fucking lost his mind. Yeah dude, he was like, it was like a father and son. Which he could be since he's that much older than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm super excited, but you know, I'm a big seminal fan and our quarterback's out for the season, game one, and then you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tough game, yeaah, it's a tough game to open with, but I still go like, ah man, like, if he'd be, if he was healthy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming out of that game, you know. You'd be fine. Oh, definitely. Go to a great ball, mate, get into the playoffs. But with a backup in, it's gonna be. What a state though, like the backup's gonna be a stud. He's a, he's 6'5", 185. And their O-line is suspect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that kid, Francois was getting hit like you would not believe. It's also Alabama. This guy, I know, but this guy.


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[Assistant] And that's, that's happened, I mean, Ralphie's was highly publicized, but it's also happened on ones that don't air where you hear about somebody getting real upset. Like in the back. Yeah, like sometimes people are like, the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the thing about those roasts that's weird to me is when it's not friends. I wouldn't mind being roasted by friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I'd sign up for it. It'd be funny. Yeah, but like when you, when, I understand almost, I think when some of the people get upset at the roast, it's cause they're getting roasted by people they don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is nuts. Now, how about this? Cause I, I actually didn't know this until I was reading about you sometime. I was reading something that you were golden gloves. Yeah, I was a golden gloves champion in Colorado. But when did you start boxing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you, you graduated Colorado, right? And then do you get like, you have NFL hopes at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, how does that, like, what's the process like? Like, there's obviously, like, there's combine people and the draft, and then you're, do you get an agent and you're like, look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also crazy how like if you follow just like the NFL news ticker, you know, it'll be like big name guys and they're like, release today. And you're like, he's released. And it's like, well, this much he was going to owe against the cap. So they just kind of bring in a young guy and some other guy came up and then it really becomes like, he was just such a business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just gifted, I was just the big fat kid. You had sex with, uh, a retarded Adam Sandler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, uh, do you remember in college, you played, like you said, in these big 12 games, you were playing against any big name players today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit talking on the field. You know, don't touch me white boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, uh, do you remember, is there like, when you think back against like the Texas team and Oklahoma, just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, do you ever have those hits where you're like, oh, like this dude, I'll tell you, in high school, I played against Heath Evans. Oh yeah. Who played in the NFL for like 10 years. And to this day, I've talked to friends of mine that were on those teams. We still remember what it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, even if you hit him in the backfield, like, your head shook and you're like, ugh. Yeah, it was like a freight train took off, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was another level. So I don't know if like in those games, I mean, you're playing against all studs, but like some of those guys are even crazier, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, that's a great point. Now one thing Christina and I are definitely interested in, we, we bring this up as often as we can and we love, that's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These freak black athletes. I bet Takeo's spike stick looks a lot like his neck. Well, let's put back that ass up. It's thick. It's thick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have this conversation, okay? What's Josh do? Josh is a comic. Okay. And he's from Buffalo. Oh, don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, which position has the cleanest assholes in the NFL and the dirtiest? And- Cleanest to be Senate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that sloppy ass, fat ass O-lineman have to have the dirtiest assholes. He says it's D-lineman and part of his theory is that the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would never disrespect that. No. That's Tom Brady, son. Yeaah. He's probably like, that shit clean today? Yeaah. Of course he's clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeaah. How about this pic, I just googled Takeo Spike for some reason, this picture of uh, Broderick Bonkley came up, I bet he's got a fucking piece. God dog!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his weight? 306? No. Yeah, that's his weight. And he came in with like 7% body fat. Damn, bro. Freak. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lawrence Vickers and Takeo Spikes, you're welcome here anytime, anytime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't think, I know, you know what I feel like it is? Whatever it is that you're like, oh god. Whenever you have that thought of like, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So irritated by something. Sometimes my mind goes, that's what's gonna happen. That's karma. It's not necessarily what you're gonna be like. It's like when someone, like when it irritates you when someone's being indecisive. You're like, what are you gonna do? And they're like, I dunno. My mind will go, that's what I'm gonna get as payback. Or if they're super negative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got two entertainers as parents, that's a fucking problem. I know. I think it might be, like, it's gonna go, like, extreme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's a lot of suffering. It's a lot of like, the grind is real. It's really real, man. And like you actually got to come in at a point where like you have success in other aspects of your life to kind of hold you up as you do it. But like if you were 23,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you enjoying, uh, like, you know, the, I mean, obviously like you're having success, it's kind of wild, but like, are you enjoying, you know, figuring it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know about vocal fry? I don't. I kinda have it right now, but it's cause I'm sick. Don't we talk too much? No, it's like when people elongate their vocals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the interesting thing about vocal fry that we did a lot of research and we've been learning about is that that's completely deliberate. She knows exactly what she's doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. On purpose. Like even if she's- It's almost an act. Yes. It's a front. It's like, yea, you're making- It's like the white kid who talks black. You're making your voice do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think maybe they, maybe not intelligent, I think they think they tend more exclusive. Like I'm in a higher category. How else would you talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying, like, I think that they're thinking like, uh. Oh, this is how Kim talks. Exactly. This is how Kylie talks. If you're super hot and you really like, suck cocks with a little twist. See, I like that, alright, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ash, ash, ash. Ash, yeah. He's great. He's gonna be like, let's get our chakras aligned. He's not a threat. He's more like a chick than anything. And then afterwards she'd be like, that was really special, thank you. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more intense, you know? You can't really... We've played...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. Joe does everything, and then figures out how to do everything well. Right. And like, if- He's like his retarded evil brother. Younger brother. He's like, I wanna try! Like, I wanna do everything too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't work? I don't know. What happened in- Why did they do a porno?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Better than that fucking Laurence Vickers bitch you played with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother. Will log in for you? Oh yea, he has access to my account. And you're like, just block people with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I hope everything works out, obviously, in your life, in your marriage, but if it doesn't, maybe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. What about in your single days?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just there for you guys, I assume. For you guys, uhm. I mean, when you're in the UFC and you're fighting, I mean, everybody knows about NBA and NFL and like, you know, getting off the team playing and all that stuff, but like, you guys like, roll solo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely, I mean, here's the thing, I would say that there's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say there's uh, over the years there's been a couple women that agree with you on Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's the place to succeed for, like, the uglier and the worse your attributes. It's better. Yeah, it's better for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I think people just respect health more. You know, it's like, like much more so than 20, 30 years ago. That makes sense. You know, people are always like, I feel like Kirt Top was the first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time for an official dental update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to be, to get clear for our audience here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brendan, how would you grade his teeth looking at them? They look nice, right?


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[Assistant] So you wanna do, you should do that. What about that water pick? You ever think about using that or anything? Nah, I don't feel like there's any need to. Well yea, she said you're like genetically gifted. Yea, so when she told me that I'm like see ya bitch. Does the fam, the fam all have great teeth?


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, I mean, I think, did you ever take one out and then smell it? No. Is that disgusting to you? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anything, wait, where can people see you, Brendan, just so they know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's great. He's got very popular podcasts, more than one. He's got the fighter, the kid with very long and thick Dick Brian Callan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then he also has a big brown breakdown. Correct. Was that, that's all fight stuff I'm assuming.


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[Assistant] The big knock for, I mean, uh, that I've heard from a lot of people, I've watched both those guys fight a good number of times, is that people have knocked Triple G's competition, they're like, he's got these hammer hands, but it's like a bunch of bums, it's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Don't forget, check out Brendan Schaub. Check out, uh, October 10th. Mark your calendars, mark your Q. Christina P. Mother Inferior on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who saw me here on the show last time coming over now to Patina and it was a lot of fun. Really? Do some water tasting with them and they really enjoyed it and a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially I think when you're putting something into your body, huh? Yeah. I think you should really think about it what you're putting into your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not just me, I'm not just because I can perfectly say Hi Hitler, obviously. It's my German accent, but now I'm getting it. And this was obviously a little shocking in the beginning for me, but now I'm getting it. Now I'm getting it and now I'm totally fine with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it was really fun to be on the show and I never thought I'd be getting so much response out of that. Like, I don't know, I've gained hundreds of followers suddenly, people were all over me, they sent me text messages and I'm still getting Instagram posts all the time now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tagging you with the water. Yeah, tagging me with the water they're drinking and asking me, Hey, what do you think about this water? What do you think about that water? And I'm trying obviously my best always to, to, to response to everybody. That's great. And, and saying like, Hey, cool. Thank you so much for thinking about me. And I love this. This is so cool. And this is the whole idea, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We want to engage with people. We want to talk about water and I want to give water value. That's the whole point why I was in the first place here as well. And water should be fun and water should be enjoyable and it's great to be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that. But I think even for people who say like, okay, I wanna be a whole month without alcohol, there are other options for you. And it's not just about other options like sodas or juices or something like that. No, water has options as well and there is some really really cool stuff on it. And that is a fun thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is what a lot of people always don't think, like, they're thinking, oh, alcohol makes you, uh, dehydrated. That's actually not really true. Alcohol is to make you more going to the restroom. So that's the reason, that's the whole point why you're dehydrating because you keep going, keep going, keep going the whole time and you're forgetting maybe to drink water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you replenish yourself all the time with some good mineral water, there will be no hangover next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, not yet, not yet. So the first present, and this is actually for you, uhm, because you did the whole Lamborghini prank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I love this. Yeah. And before that you told me you were the head champ now as well. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know your addiction to cars. Yes. And I have to admit I love cars too. Cars are fun man. So I ordered something from Germany for you. What? And I think this would be a perfect little present. So I get you the perfect Martini Racing Porsche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love this. Love it. And then I brought something for you both. And I have a little video as well but I want to showcase first what I brought because obviously I'm working in a restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you guys talking all the time about eating stuff as well on the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. I just sent, and this is the reason I just sent you the link via Dropbox. Yeah. Because I didn't know that you were sneaking on me and like, hey, what are you sending me? Like, let's check it out. Yeah, yeah. Then I wouldn't have that surprise, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was for me important to get some mousse soup in the beginning, and obviously...


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[Assistant] I cannot believe you're a genius. So this is actually real good moose soup from, uh, the moose is coming from Vermont actually. Freshly flown in yesterday.


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[Assistant] It's a little video, so there's no really sound, so you can, you can mute the sound. But it's just a little video.


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[Assistant] About where we actually are, so it's Musu Patina style, that's the restaurant.


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[Assistant] It's the number one restaurant in Los Angeles and this is Andreas Roller, our executor chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is like dishes what we are plating like, for example, turbot, like a little salmon crostini, um, kumadai, a little deviled eggs, little sweets. So this is the actually muth what we received from Vermont yesterday. And he's like carving it right now. And these are the filets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see it's very, very dark meat. It's beautiful. Very red meat. This is beautiful. Little garlic, obviously, for the beautiful breath, because I know you love- I love garlic breath. You love garlic breath?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, he's a master degree on chef as well from Germany. He comes from a three-star Michelin restaurant in Germany, the Hotel Trauber-Thunbach and, uh, he really knows his shit. So he's putting some fire on it as well to get some roast aromas to the mousse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had a lot of fun as well to it. So obviously he wouldn't, and this is not a thumb right there, the white thing. They are like different herbs in it and we don't want that the herbs are touching actually the food. We just want the aromas of the herbs. Really? Putting it into the small little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes it. He likes it. So I hadn't tasted it yet. He just tasted it, but I'm very excited for you and you should try it out. I got my back as well at home. So this will be a lot of fun for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure thing, sure thing, because everybody was talking about moose soup and I was like googling moose soup, moose soup, moose soup, I never heard about this. Yeah. And then I was finding out a little bit and then I talked to Andreas, my chef, and he's like, yeah, let's cook some moose soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to know this as well. Because I saw pictures and they already looked like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're going to the restroom and you already know there are some problems with your stomach and you're looking afterwards what happened to you in the toilet and this is like sometimes what Musub looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The second water was double distilled water, what I refused to drink. Because I said like, what the fuck, why should I drink double distilled water? There's no benefits for me, so forget it. I'm not drinking this. And the third water, what we're seeing right now there, Exploitation Life Support Water. This is actually out of space water from the International Space Ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is their recycled water what they're drinking. So it's astronaut water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what they're drinking on the spaceship? Oh, so in space. In space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so this was the most unique water I ever tasted in my life. So it's water recovery and management from the NASA Marshall Space Flight Center. And when you go on the next page, or the next photo, you will see what that actually is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's recycled water made from waste products extracted by the employees of summer 2015 actually. It's out of this world. Yeah, it was out of this world. Cause this is nothing else than sweat, shower water, distilled urine, condensation, and then they're adding some silver to make it all purified and clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So I was drinking that, I even revisit that water, so I drink it twice, and they all looked at me, there was one comedian right next to me, he's like, what the fuck, like, you're, you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has an extremely heavy smell first. So when you're smelling the glass, it smelled like when you're walking into a dentist office. Like this chemical, very like, weird smell. It was very sweet in taste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the fun part about this water is that obviously the ISS, the International Space Ship, has two divisions. It's a Russian division and an American division. The Russians recycle their water as well, but they don't use their own urine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because hey, it's so expensive- So there's Ruski P in our- Oh my god. So they told me there's always an interesting, interesting story about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you will see me on Netflix episode 4 on the second season. It's coming up hopefully at the end of November. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a picture of Bill Nye and then with me and this is like the three waters up there and the producer came up to me and because they want to do a blind taste first with me, so they put all the three waters and I was just smelling them and I could tell them right away which water is what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, what? Are you the smell shunt now or what? And it was like, no, you can't smell the difference. At the time it was just the pool from the backyard. Then this double distilled water had no smell at all. And then this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Urine astronaut water was just like disgusting smell. It was just disgusting. And this is like on the show that was like for my wife took the pictures from the audience and


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[Assistant] It has the price of a high-end liquor. It does? So it runs $150 in the restaurant. Get outta here. Yes, 50 bucks it costs you when you want to buy it retail and 150 we're charging at the restaurant, but we are selling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought like today is still November month. We drink still water. Still water. This is from Norway? From Norway. This comes from the Antarctus. So it's a polar iceberg water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the middle content obviously is extremely low, it's 21 TDS. Very very low, because this water has never been touched on the ground.


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[Assistant] It's like rainwater drips down, it goes right away on the ice glacier and freezes up. This water is around 15,000 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a very fun, interesting water to start your sober November, maybe. Oh my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the interesting part. So I had three bottles already in tasting, and all three bottles tasted slightly different. And that makes sense, because it's a mother, it's a product of nature again. And all these icebergs...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're floating into the sea, so obviously all these icebergs have a slightly different flavor to it.


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[Assistant] When you drink it, and it's, it's right away gone. It's like, it almost dries out your palate, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't really have this refreshing aspect to it. That's interesting. And that is because it's lacking minerals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because there's not enough minerals in there. So your, your body and your mouth saying like, Hey, what's going on? Can I get some more? Because there's like barely anything in there. So I want more water to get more minerals. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a good water. I like it. It's extremely, because it's so smooth, it's very nice for wines. So when you have like a tannin-rich red wine or something like that, or maybe a whiskey, what you just told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that will very, very cool work with us because this, this heaviness of alcohol will be smoothed away out of this very smooth water. So it's a, it's a very good water and I don't want to drink everything because I think your wife Christina need to drink something as well and she will kill both of us I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we're killing the bottles here just for us and we don't share.


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[Assistant] So you can buy, because a lot of people ask me as well, like, hey Martin, where can you buy all these crazy waters, what you had last time on the show? And we said, uh, it's Aquamaestro in Florida. So these are the people who can actually, or they are importing mostly of their very unique waters in this country. So you can call up Brett, this is his name, Aquamaestro, and last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ekvameistro. In Florida. In Florida. So you google Ekvameistro. In Fort Lauderdale. Okay. They sing in Fort Lauderdale. Okay. And then you will find them right away. Last time, and I will talk to Brett again, last time they gave actually 10% off for everybody who mentioned your mom's house podcast. What? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So because they had so many inquiries suddenly, Foo is skilled. Okay. So that was kind of cool. And I think this is a nice thing. And for sure, Brett will do this again when you call him up and say, Hey, I listened to your mom's podcast. I heard Martin. For sure. He will do something again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just icebergs and the glass. That's wild, man. And then our mouth now. Yeaah, that is wild. It's a fun product. I like this. And they won, because I told you, I was just Russ Leslie in Svalbard. Svalbardi. Svalbardi iceberg water. And they just won the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in China was a big water competition and they were just like the silver medal for taste and then they won the gold medal for the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too. And that's, I have to say, that's like a lot of people at my restaurant, they're obviously going in the water mania and they see this beautiful bottle and they're saying like, do you know what? Hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the next one, I was very surprised when I heard about this, that Chuck Norris has a water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, yes, I reached out to them and they were so happy to give me some products and said like, hey that's so cool what you're doing. So I did already a video on YouTube about the taste profile of Seaforce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went to the homepage as well and they're saying so Chuck Norris heard that you guys are thirsty. So he punched the grounds and made the earth cry. Yes. Therefore we get some water now. So it's mother's earth tears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's in a tea snail spring water. And I love this, and they're very proud about this. They're saying no, we're not purifying anything. We want minerals. TDS is around 300 on this water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's actually a pretty, pretty good stable mineral water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] U.S. law, this is actually mineral water considered. Everything over 250 TDS means it's a mineral water. So this is considered to be mineral spring water from Texas. Seaforce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you feel maybe because the name Chag Norris on it, you feel something powerful, maybe a Vichy or Roy or something like this, something like outrageous in taste what we had last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a good product. Obviously, it's not so unique than maybe the Svalbardis story or the Eskild what we had last time where we changed it into milk when you're shaking the bottle. It doesn't have something so extremely unique, obviously. Also, you know what it is also?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jimmy Fallon tasted, you can see it on YouTube right now, uh, two chains tasted with Jimmy Fallon Nine Way H2O on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a blind taste test, New York Tap, the famous New York Tap, what's considered to be one of the best tap waters in the states, versus Nineway H2O.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a very funny video. It is? Oh my god. So Jimmy Fallon is like looking at these two glasses and tasting the first glass and realized, holy shit, that tastes so bad. This has to be tap. And it was New York Tap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, and he feels almost like embarrassed. And he said like, I love the city, I've been growing up here in New York, but this is outrageous. It's like that water is just, no way I'm gonna drink this. Really? Two chains said right away, I don't drink tap. That's not my style. That's not how I roll. I don't drink tap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they tasted 9H2O and Jimmy fell into the camera like, oh la la, this is expensive shit. So that was good. It was a funny, very funny video. Your water is available everywhere? Yeah, not really everywhere right now because it's a very small production water as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the source is coming from, which plastic, which PET you are using, because I don't want to have any BPA, any chemicals in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aquilife. And this bottle, and you can see it already on the label, it's a little beaten up, but they sent me a whole case of water and actually just three bottles survived. The rest was broken. Wow. So it's all the time I have this and obviously my landlord at my apartment always saying like, what the hell is this always? Why are you getting all these beat up packages from all around the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because these days, and this is the fun, cool thing about me as a watcher so many, that literally people from around the world are selling me watches now all the time. You gotta love that. It's really fascinating. Cause it's also your passion. Oh yeaah. It's completely fascinating to taste all the different mineral watches from around the world. So Aquilife has a TDS of 1300.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is considered a very high mineral water and then there's a still version. And this is for me fascinating because mostly high mineral waters are sparkling waters. But this is a still water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Aquilife is still water from Australia. And you've tried this, yes? Yeah, I tried this already. I really like this water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. This is heavy water. Yeaah. This is for me really heavy. See, I never ex-, and this is for me fascinating. This is like what I love when I'm tasting waters. This is so unique in textures, almost if you're drinking like high percentage milk or olive oil. This is like the mouth feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you would close your eyes, you would think you would drink olive oil or you would drink milk or something like that. You would not think this is water. Because it's so heavy. In your palate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is for me fascinating. That's the reason I'm trying to get them. They don't have distribution right now in the States. I'm trying to get them on my new water menu, what I will launch at Patina next month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think it's something so unique, I wanna showcase that. That is a water for me again, like, what my brain is like, holy cow. That is so cool that Mother Nature gives me something so crazy and so unique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wanted to showcase even still water tastes differently and has a different texture and can taste completely different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was so fun and fascinating. I was laughing my ass off and my wife woke even up because I was watching that episode in my bed in the middle of the night and she was sleeping already and she's like, what the hell is this an earthquake or why is she shaking the bed? And I was laughing that hard when you, when you, it was so good. When you said like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you made this voice impression of Bird, it was brilliant. Oh yeaah. But you were talking about the bottled water, what you had for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a tough language. All the Scandinavian language is almost like you have a hot potato in your mouth and you're trying to talk. That's like what the Danish and Norwegian and Finnish language sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've been bringing always like some fun waters and I think we should, we should do this definitely again and hopefully Christina, our main mommy, will be next time here as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell Sam, it looks, uh, it looks like a downtown flag here, like little, little Tokyo gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Bobby's all about it. Trish wouldn't do that though. Trish would never bite one off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They both are. They're both down. My favorite thing about both of them is they're super down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you were unbuttoning like this robe.


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[Assistant] And you're like, oh, I'm sorry. And I go, you go, what would you say right now? I go, it's okay. Just take your time. And you're like, no, be Bobby. Oh Jesus. All right. Rip that thing off then. Fuck. And you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not really a 99 cent guy, but one thing that is great, one thing that I have bought there before,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay Beyonce, I didn't know you had that kind of money. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so he could be like a little axe murderer. Yeaah, isn't that neat? That's not for the flight though, right? Yeaah, of course it's for the flight. Oh really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your kid's gonna cry. Yeah. And uhm, you can't worry about that stuff. People, people know that kids cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in a restaurant, if he bangs a fork against the table, you know, I'll grab him and be like, hey, like, I don't want to bother other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I would just, I would relax when I finally like put it under the seat and he chilled and I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not some dude. My friend Kevin. If you blow him, you'll feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here you go, rape now. Dick bit off. Your dicks all bit in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he would then have a case against you, you know? Be like, I was, yea I was going for it, but like she didn't have to bite it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nothing sounds worse than a, than a dick bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your dentists would flip, be like, what happened? Be like, I bit this dude's dick off. What? Yeah. I put this guy's dick in my mouth and I bit it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's on the house today? Don't worry about anything, all the charges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta think about, there's probably some relationships out there where the woman is a bully and even less where the woman is stronger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is amazing to think about as a guy because it's almost inconceivable to most guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, make it feel good. I'd like that. I wouldn't like the dick bite, but I'd be like that ball pill, that tug feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be like, you like your balls licked? And then you go under and be like, ah, and then you got, ha, and you bite one of those balls. That's over. It is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As he forces his penis in your mouth, stop him and say, do you like having your balls licked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Place his balls in your mouth. Spit a bunch on them so he thinks you're game. And then take a big bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peaches. To, you know, they had a cucumber there. Oh, right, yeaah. To simulate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stupid dumb rapist. How about this? This guy is pretty much a rapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I mean, it's like on the subway and he tells this guy, let me see, I didn't, an American man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he was in Singapore. His female friend filmed this incident as the Asian man reportedly kept asking him for sex. Yea, I mean. So this older guy is on the subway and he's like, you are gay. Are you gay? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also really interesting because you're being aggressive, but you're asking for the submissive role, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gay, you're a gay asshole. You're fucking gay, I'm gay too. And he's like, I'm not talking to you bitch, I'm talking to him. And she, and then the boy, the guy goes, that's my friend, he goes, she, this guy goes, that's not your friend, I'm your friend. He's like, uh, no, no thanks. I want you to fuck me in my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like he just learned these phrases for his, you know, his pleasure, basically. He doesn't speak good English, but he's like, how do I say this? Oh yeah, I want you to fuck me tonight. Pretty good. Pretty good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He should be like, the guy should be like, you want me to, I want you to fuck me tonight. He should go, do you like having your balls licked? And the guy's like, what? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes, licks all his balls, for like 20-30 minutes, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta make, you gotta, you can't have him suspect you're gonna do something though, so you gotta kinda get into it for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You spit on his dick and his balls for like 25, 35, 45 minutes, right? That's what I would do. And then when he's like really in the euphoria of it, then you bite his balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you gotta blow him and lick his balls for like an hour and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my approach. This is how I train women all the time. This is my very system that I've had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I teach this class where I, and I have women practice, you know, on me, I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just put this in your mouth for like 30 to 40 minutes and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when I least suspect it, just show me your finger and that'll be a call, that'll be a signal that you're buying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now sometimes what will happen is I'll come during that time period and then I go, now we gotta start over, but you know, we're getting there. It's just, it's a matter of practice, you know? Practice. Practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he shriveled his night this morning? Like 100% he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's not racist, you're just assuming that all these guys come hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, they're contracting, they're contracting their, uh, prostagland. If they're not circumstriped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not all guys are circumstances. And then they, uh, pull the skin back and you just jack your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe she put her hands on him like that. Not that she's wrong, but just that that's a bold move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be clear, so the audience understands us listening, a third party came in, a woman, an American woman came in and put her hands on the Asian man and told him to calm down and get back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but don't you think that- They are one of the girls. But see, that guy actually took to it okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no laws here. Anyone can touch anybody, which I doubt is true. In Singapore, of all places, that is super strict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, but who connected there? Did he connect with the guy? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he did say I want, whereas our other guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just told that dude he was. That guy didn't say anything to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was with his female friend, companion, you know. But I guess she didn't say this is like my boyfriend, my husband. Still, that guy's crazy. So nasty. Well, good luck to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walking across the street. We tried to go to an awesome sushi joint. We ended up at another good one, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what is it, like Franklin's Barbecue in Austin or like Hatties in Nashville. And every time I go, they're like, you gotta go to this place. And then there's like an hour wait outside and I'm like, we'll go somewhere else. But this is awesome. Like, no, it's not that awesome. Same thing happened in Philly. I went to some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cheese steak place, and it wasn't the two big ones, it wasn't Gino's or the one, whatever it is, across the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the same thing, it's like I waited like 45 minutes or an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get a cheesesteak. And then my friend was like, how is it? I'm like, it's a good cheesesteak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there something I can do to skip this line? No? Okay, I'll go somewhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I love that. I'm starting to get that sadness. That, uh, series ending sadness coming. I know there's like five, six episodes left and I'm already like, hmmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know anything about it. Let's see. Let's see if, uhm, Billions. Billions. Billions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if there's a season three announce. Confirmed. Yes. It'll air next year though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish to see it now. This furthers my argument for starting a show well after it's, uh, airing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, titties just out. Just little titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Palm Beach County, if you're here, Broward, Dade,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come see us. We're at the Breath Ball Beach Improv. We're doing a live podcast and we're going to do a course of meet and greet with everybody afterwards. We'll be hanging out. Come see us. Come say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are listening. I also would love to tell you that I have a huge leg of my tour coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna rub, rub, rub in Lincoln, Nebraska, Midwest City, Oklahoma, and Springfield, Missouri.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's my lead up week to my special taping week, which I will start September 13th in Brea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 14th at the Oakland, uh, excuse me, the Fox Theater in Oakland, California. And then I'm shooting two shows in Denver, Montver, Colorado at the Paramount. September 16th, I couldn't be more excited. Uh, from there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So tour continues, I have a bunch of cities at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, uh, check out the site and you can see I'm coming to everywhere from Albany to Portland, Maine, Toronto, Ann Arbor, Indy, St. Louis Tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fart, go San Antonio, Austin. It keeps going. New York City, Buffalo, LA, Phoenix, bar flow. And we're doing another podcast live in Irvine, sperm vine, October the 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her cousin is her biological sister and the cousin doesn't know it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Well, there you go. That's Deepro. Check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're one to always boast and brag about your H2O consumption. Meanwhile, you tear those down who hydrate in a different manner. Science has something to say to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Whatever. You should still drink water, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they have to watch their backs. They have to make sure they don't get you in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it's cause you're retarded and uh, then that happens where it goes down weird and then you're thirsty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good title actually. I know. It doesn't matter that my special, my hour is not about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like comedy titles, you want those two word and three word titles. Those are the ones, those are the best ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's actually a really good, uh, it's, but you know, it's obviously a joke. I mean, you could take that seriously and be like, I'm sharpening my joke instrument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or something silly, yeaah. But I mean, jokingly, Sharpening the Knife is funny. I think it's a funny title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I am sharpening the knife, you know, uh, metaphorically. Right? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about fuck me in my ass, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does my asshole smell? Oh! That's a good title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be a title. That could be a title. That's a funny title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys, write in and let us know if you think that's a good time. We should put up a poll actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good title. I would date my mom. That's my title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm sayin'? Yea, that's a good comedy title. Cause you're talking, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A good one. Are you ready for it? Yeah. Okay, hold on. This is a... ahhh, I don't see it. This would be so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my saying so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The king of, yeaah. See, I could be the king of comedy, but then there's the kings of comedy. That would be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to press pause with our two cat paws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do our little business call. We'll be right back. Well, you won't even know. I don't know why I'm saying we'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some interesting emails came in. Steak droopers. Are hot farts smellier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on the couch next to my non-binary spouse when I had to F-A-R-T. Upon release, I noticed the startlingly hot nature of the gas. It happened to be particularly smelly and I pondered what the connection of heat to smell is. Are farts that come out hot more smelly and what causes the heat sensation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, interesting question, and I feel like medically we need to, I think we need to reach out to a professional to get real guidance on that, but I definitely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have had that thought, like wow, this is hot and it doesn't smell good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. So far on the identical dicks, we've kind of come to the conclusion that identical twins seem to have identical dicks, but fraternal twins don't necessarily, which makes sense. Yeah. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are farts sometimes hot? Why are hot farts smellier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know before, you know before, when that gas is cooking, when it's really on, the stove's on, you're like, ooooh, this is gonna stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's like, you know, with noisy ones, it's here or there. You go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is loud, maybe, and then you go, oh nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes can't you feel that this one would smell if I let it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know they're hot before they even come out, too. You're like, this is gonna be hot. Sometimes you go, ooh, that'll be hot. Amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear mommies, in recent podcasts you've been playing the clip of the mother and son who were dating. Their behavior could be explained by genetic sexual attraction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] GSA is an overwhelming sexual attraction that may develop between close blood relatives who first meet as adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that could very well happen, could have been what happened to those two. They had that thing of like, it seemed like they didn't grow up together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm beginning to wonder, Ben, I think that's a really interesting email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of people that don't, right? That are together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder about that. Do you think we sought each other out for that? It's unconscious. I think you, you connect sexually with people too when like in a more deep way, not obviously like just a one night stand way, but when you're attracted to somebody that you share psychological things with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when it comes to dad boners, uhm, a lot of people, we've pointed out that there's two types of dad boners. There's... There's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real, the true dad boner who's excited for something that's not excitable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we call it the justified dad boner, and that is somebody who's super excited about something, but there's reason to be. And that one is, is, uh, is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's more reason to celebrate, and we shouldn't, you know, those are the ones that we nod along to, like yeaah, I see why. You're this excited? We have one of those today. It is a dad boner for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would be this excited to check out what this boner does. He's, he's doing like frisbee golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give white people too much time on their hands. You know, they either march with tiggy torches or they throw frisbee around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was real excited. Idle hands. But I understand that Lil Wicks, I mean that is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He imagined, like, how much better it is that it's recorded for that guy. Otherwise you're just like, remember when I did that? And people are like, well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna have, I dunno, I fantasize about, about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] College. My parents lived on a golf course. So I came home. I had a job where I could set my own hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would just, I just took up golf and I was taking lessons and I was playing, playing pretty regularly and I enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to, I got to respectable. I got to the point where my great fear is almost like flying with the, with our son, was that when I was, when I was playing before that and when I was on the driving range, I was terrible and I was embarrassed to join, uh, like a twosome they call it or a foursome, like a group to play golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I played so much that summer that by like midsummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I could play a respectable round, meaning I, you know, I could hit the ball without it, uh, hooking or shanking and, and, and, or going four feet instead of, you know, a hundred yards. So I just got, I got a, uh, I mean, I was not good, but I was enough. I was decent enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but then I went back to college and I remember I didn't play for like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six months or something. And then somebody was like, do you want to play golf today? I go, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went out there and man, I shit the bed. So bad. And then it just, it was, uh, discouraging. It was just, you know, I was like, oh, I suck at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's definitely bigger for sure amongst older guys, but it is like a, you know, the thing that I like about golf is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes you to destinations. In other words, you'll end up checking out places you wouldn't because it has golf as a destination. And it's the hang. It's like, oh, I could call somebody up. What are you doing today? Let's go play golf. Right. You and your bros go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think. Was that it? Bowling? I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I wouldn't do it. It's not like a sport that I'm picking up to stay in shape. It was like, it would be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason that it- It's not for me. Uhm, that people chase the dragon though, is that, is what happens is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's very, it's difficult, right? It takes an incredible amount of skill. And so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a good shot, or a good hole, and then you go, oh, that was fucking awesome, like, I had a birdie, you know, I went under par, I did really well, and then that's the feeling you're chasing. Right. Doing well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also very challenging, yes. That's fun. Yeah, it's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go do that. I don't think you would like actual golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another great blind question came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, thank you for all the feedback. People have been emailing us about our deaf and blind questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are fascinated by it, including us. Uh, as a reminder, if you have a question and answer, a clip, a song, always email the Gmail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Don't send it on Facebook. Don't send it to any other address. Send it to the Gmail account, your mom's podcast at gmail.com. And as always,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for messaging, uh, us with, with content, with clips, with all that. You can go to your mom's house podcast at, uh, sorry, your mom's house podcast dot com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to check out the site, it has the YouTube links, links to all the downloads, it has a link to the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a bunch of really cool shirts, merch, things that are signed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do blind people masturbate to? Oh my god, great question. Mommy, I've been listening to your educational podcast for quite a while now, and I really appreciate you tackling all these hot button issues the major networks are afraid to touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the topic of blind people, I couldn't help but wonder about their porn preferences. Do blind people just listen to the audio while they pound off and or DJ the bean? I know they make movies and TV with audio description for the blind that describes what is happening over top of the audio. Do they make porn for the blind that describes what is happening the scene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I don't know anyone that watches the full scene and doesn't just skip around to the good parts. How do blind people skip to just the bits they want to hear? I anxiously await your answer. Thank you for keeping me in the know. Every Wednesday, Tyler from Cincinnati. Really great question, Tyler. Uhm, first of all, we actually did play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're deaf in the ear? Okay. Did you try moving your mic cable?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did. I did nothing to your jack. You did. God damn it. What's wrong now? I'm hearing weird shit now that you keep fucking with the headphone jacks. How abusive you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something that could play, ah, porn for the blind. I don't know if this is a real one or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fast forward? Yea, you just scroll forward and then you're just like, what's going on now? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I guess that is, you know, that is real porn for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Otherwise you just listen to the... You know what ruins porn a lot is the porn music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, sometimes you don't like, uh, oh shit, I missed the bus. No. I mean, it's not like I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, really? That's really harsh though on yourself. Is it? I think so. To be like, I'm not in a good place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I thought that was the only way to do that. I thought it was like get comfortable, you have your drink, you have something to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, let's get, let's try to get through 30 of these and see what we like the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normal section, shut that shit down. I don't want to see that at all. I want to see, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So denim is the right way to go. Um, how you feel about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like we did her with a coffee enema. She did a coffee enema.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to her Patreon account. Please. Donate and then write. Keep putting piss up your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep pissing up your own asshole. Rain Florence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just picked up on something that I was not expecting. And that is what she said right now. We might be looking at the solution this country needs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had a vision of all of us coming together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, maybe this is the answer to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if our president was like, I want you to take an enema, I want you to put it in your ass, I want you to piss in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rain tried it. She goes, tremendous feelings. She felt so good. Democrats and Republicans and independents alike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is waste. It's not as toxic and horrific for you as- As shit. As shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, you should drink all of it. If you're gonna drink, that's what I do. It's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we also had an email from Dan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top dog goes by swiping it as well. Dan from San Jose. Uh, look at Christina trying to show off in the homestretch when it doesn't count.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we don't know details of your brown, but I would feel 3x12 30s a lot. That's pretty aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, who knows if he sent another email after that and was like, Oh, it's six PM. I've taken six shits. Um, you have diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here is, here is Christina talking about her new special. We're excited to show everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, what were you thinking there? Why are you telling this guy about your dog and your house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use the code word mom. She should get that. Can we find her you think and tell her about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took, I put the Asian guy on from the train earlier. He's, he's back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard to resist. But anyways, it did say happy birthday and it had a candle in it. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moment. I like it when I'm on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need to get a bunch of attention when I walk into a room


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I do not. I don't like surprise parties. I don't like being sung to. I don't like a big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like a big reception. Like if I walk into a place, I don't like everybody to say something to. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Interesting. I like people to pay attention when I'm up there and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not. We're gonna wrap up. We gotta wrap up. We gotta wrap up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. I don't trust you. Thank you guys for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have some guests coming up in the next few weeks. Should be a lot of fun. And uhm, I don't know. I think that's it, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta go take care of the steak. We gotta get these fucking headphones fixed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we'll get it taken care of. Here is the 409 remix, Lady Luck by Chris, is it just Chris or is there a last name here? Chris Spence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris Spence, thanks very much. That's it, Jean. I love you, mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever, that's me and Cain Velasquez, we had to battle over that name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not really. I've never been like a huge eater. I'd say I'm more in tune with my diet now that I retired, that I'm in show business than when I was fighting. Because again, when you're fighting, you can kind of eat whatever you want because you're going to burn it off. That's what they say. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, yes. I've never been so, I've never been so self-conscious of my diet till I started doing comedy. Like, whenever I'm backstage, yeaah, I usually like spread my legs, I'm not as tall, I'm usually super self-conscious of what I wear, cause I don't want to look that big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you don't wanna appear too big, like I'm not gonna go on there with like an underarmor-type, you know, compressed shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, I'm super into fashion. Super into fashion where I'll pick out my outfit, like I have my outfit picked out for Thursday night's show already. I have my outfit picked out for next Friday's show already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You looking, I'm liking. Uh, no, like I, I... You have swag. I hired a stylist for like one time when I was doing this thing on E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes it's good because let's say they give you some crazy Gucci jacket and you do a special with that or you do an event with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta give it back to him. So you probably shouldn't pay for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna take a little, it's gonna take a little while to get used to it. Like, I can't just be like, oh cool man, suck that dick, do your thing. I'm like, damn, there goes kind of normal life. That's fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it would take a little bit, like with the Caitlyn Jenner thing, like everyone's like, you just gotta accept her. I'm like, I get that. But I've known her or him as Bruce Jenner. Like give me a fucking week to sit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll say this, I told Tom this when I saw you guys run the lineup, because we really haven't talked or met, but I sat in the same lineup, and that night there was a guy on there who doesn't typically do stand up, and he was doing


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[Assistant] Horrible. And I'm, again, I'm super self-conscious of that stuff because, you know, there's some gimmick acts out there. So he was going up there and just completely bombed. And you came back, you're like, what the fuck is going on? I was like, fucking right.


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[Assistant] And I'll say this, and this is why I'm a ride or die for Tom, like I'll kill someone for Tom, because I did a set at the Laugh Act, and it was a bunch of comics there, Delia, Count, Tom, everyone, you know, when you first get started, like,


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[Assistant] You know, you guys know how it is, and I came up different. My path to this has been completely different than a lot of people's for god's sakes. Sometimes I feel like Charlie Sheen doing Tiger Blood. Like, we have no idea, you know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] I was doing a set at the Laugh Factory and then Tom texted me afterwards, he came in, uh, you can do this. Like dude, you can do this, man. And just that little bit of encouragement just fucking, I mean, skyrocketed.


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[Assistant] What's crazy about that fight, that was like the, kind of one of the first steps into me transitioning from, speaking of Caitlyn Jenner, but me transitioning from, uh, kind of that arena into entertainment through podcasting because,


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[Assistant] Especially at the time, there's no Reebok deal, I won't get too much into that, but you could wear any sponsor you want.


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[Assistant] So I could wear, uh, uh, you know, uh, your guys podcast shirt out. I could wear Reebok, Nike, whoever I want to. And so for that particular fight, I wore our podcast shirt.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's been good, man. Which, you know, what's crazy, you know, a lot of fighters are trying to match up with comedians because they think that's what makes the fire in the kid, but it's not. No, it's your guys chemistry. Yeah. Cause you have two best friends talking. We don't really even talk about sports, talk about life, girls and whatever, politics and.


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[Assistant] So true. And then we started doing live shows, that was Callan's idea, and then I left that old man in the dust, and here I am. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] The, uh, the, at least the weigh-in of that, you guys were talking mad shit at that. So Matt and I were friends before the fight, way before, we were on the Ultimate Fighter together, which is a reality show, we were on that together, and we had a trainer before that, so me and Matt have always been bonded one way or another.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I got a text from my manager and I'm like, oh fuck, they want me to fight Matt, I want to fight Matt. And so I text him like, hey bro, I just got an offer to fight you in Toronto. And Matt's like, what? And he goes, oh, I just got the offer too. And I was like, well, we can't turn it down, cause you can't turn down fights, the bad look.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and I thought I matched up well with Matt and, you know, gotta eat. So uhm, I text him, I just said, hey, I'm gonna accept the fight. Let's sell the shit out of this thing. Let's just talk as much shit as we can. So there is that element.


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[Assistant] Most, most time there's not. And so I say let's talk as much shit as we can. Don't take anything personal. I'm gonna say some rude shit. And he put, got it. Have fun. See you the day of the fight. And I put, cool man. And so.


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[Assistant] He starts talking shit to me on social media, and he's like, you look like Adam Sandler and a Down syndrome mom had a kid. And I put...


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[Assistant] I put, and this is true, I put, yeaah, well in a time he's going through a divorce. I put, yeaah, that's not what your wife was saying when we had that mean greet together, she was eye fucking me. And then he just took offense to that and went, was like texting me like, how dare you, and then it got serious.


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[Assistant] And then after the fights it was dead serious, yea. Damn. And then how about after that?


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[Assistant] Uh, we're cool. Cool. Yeah, so I just did a commentating job for his biggest fight of his life. He fought Mass Square Garden against Fador, and I was the commentator on it. How'd the fight go? He won. He knocked him out in the first round in like 30 seconds. So I saw him after. I mean, we're good. He's been on my show a dozen times.


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[Assistant] You're like, uh, uh, uh, Terry Bratshaw playing for Pickwork Steelers.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, but then testing kicks in, competition gets better, he's a little old school, you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's like you've put Jim Brown at running back like, mmmm, wasn't he really good? Like your fucking grip ago. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. It's like that.


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[Assistant] I've, I've had comics that you know how when you play, when you do like, tag off, where there's no host, what do you call it?


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[Assistant] Now definitely not. When I was fighting is almost, you know, even guys I didn't know I had a problem hurting.


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[Assistant] I imagine it's like. I was terrified. Did you shit a lot? Diarrhea. No. Vomit. No, I had to pee non-stop. Never, never diarrhea. But I always had, I was like, God, I gotta pee so much because I drink fluids. And then for every fight, every fight, except for the last one was a little different.


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[Assistant] Before I retired, every fight I'd be in the back going, what the fuck am I doing? What am I doing with my life?


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[Assistant] So I only started boxing to pursue the UFC, to get the MMA. So was it after? So uhm, I started doing like,


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[Assistant] He goes, hey, uh, next week is Golden Gloves. I'm like, oh, that's cool. Boring as shit, but that's cool. He's like, oh, I signed you up for it. I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, you're in it, man. Cause I was sparring with him on and off.


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[Assistant] To be honest, like my, yeah, like I just, I wanted it more like, especially in like golden gloves where I had like eight fights and I had.


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[Assistant] I had all eight stoppages, nothing went to decision. So it was just like, I, it's just, your, your heart, especially when you're starting out, like to have a big heart means so much. I also didn't have a lot of other options.


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[Assistant] So coming out, wait. It was like that or fucking teaching moms cardio kickboxing? I gotta make it here, man. I was living with my brother, my truck was getting repo'd, I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna do?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you get an agent like right in between. So we went to a ball every year. Let's see, every year I play in the big 12 championship. So you play in big 12 championship and then you get to ball game, right? In between that ball game.


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[Assistant] Uh, you're usually talking to agents, you kinda have an idea. I had some come in my way, they're like, yeah, maybe late round draft pick free agent, we'll see. So then you watch the draft, don't get picked up, best friend gets drafted in the second round, I'm at his draft party, broken hearted. And then, uhm, nothing happens and weeks later, like, hey, Buffalo.


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[Assistant] Dude, I know how this game goes. The chances of me making this team are not fucking good. Don't get all crazy. And you're flying into Buffalo? Flying into Buffalo. And so I fly to Buffalo, get off the plane, go through like this weird little combine workout, and I'm there for not that long, a few days, and I injured my hamstring.


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[Assistant] It broke my heart right away, right? I'm a sensitive person, but I realized how much of a business it was. Cause I get there and like, 43, you're over there. I'm like, my name's Brendan. Like, what? The fuck over there? And then it's just like,


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[Assistant] It was just such a business, it broke my heart. It was like, you know, your entire life you want to get to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, and you get in there and you're like, God, they treat these midgets like shit. It's also crazy.


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[Assistant] It was just such a business and you don't really think about that when you're a kid. You know, like you just think you're going to get there and it's going to be all rainbows and Molly and it's going to be a good time. It just was not the case. And so I was like, Oh my God. And even towards senior year, I'm like, Oh, I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't play football for the rest of my life. I got like my, my dream when I was kids was to be on Saturday Night Live. Like I was obsessed with Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler. Yeah.