[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, I felt like, I felt like it was, and it was something different, and it was something I had control of. I didn't do the deal for it, I shot it. And you went all over the country filming this, right? Yeah, and I, I shot it, I mean I paid for it. And then we did the deal for it after. Once it's done. Wow. Yeah. See, and that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' care what this thing is, I'm gonna make it a NAND sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that way, it'll be authentic. And it is that. I'm not saying it's not possible to work inside the parameters that other people give you, but I didn't want to do that this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did actually, as it turned out. But I was drinking a lot too. Right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't eat fried Twinkies, or I do eat McSweden's vegetarian haggis, which is delicious. Particularly if, and I do give credit to my wife for this, she makes it in, uh, uh, meatballs for bolognese, but it's vegetarian in the sauce. Beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, is she loving it? The move over there? Yeaah, she's thriving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very difficult accent. But like I say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not from there, and... Again with the I'm not from there. But the thing is, you gotta learn about accents over there. They're very different from place to place. Like even from 20 miles. 20 miles? Even less sometimes. And there is a, it is kind of, I don't think it's fair to call it an accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know in Chinese, right in Cantonese and Mandarin, completely different spoken, but they're the same written down. I did not know that. What? I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's at all. First of all, I don't know if it's true, but let's just say it's true for the sake of the argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cantonese and Mandarin, completely different spoken. Yes. They're different languages, but they use the same alphabet. I think that's okay. That makes sense. Right. Like us in the French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Right. But do I sound French to you? Au contraire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not unless you're another woman. And then it's okay. But it probably won't be friendly. But men will call other men that and it will be totally friendly. So it's a very complicated use of the same word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That movie is so, uh, like what it was like to be young in Scotland. Oh my lord. It's an amazing movie. It's a great movie and it's, uh, it's about, I was about five years ahead of it in terms of age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, I just missed the heroine in Scotland, I'm very glad of that. But uhm, but I had, but when it came in, that's the way it went, and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets a little bleak sometimes. I don't know if you've been around America or anything. It gets a little bleak around here too. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a long story short, I guess. I've got an uncle come. You do? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my aunt wanted to marry her cousin. And then they weren't allowed to get married. They married other people and then they grew up and the other ones died. And then when they were past childbearing age, they got married to each other again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, some Scottish people are very fond of the monarchy, so I'm not a big fan of that outdated system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, France killed every, they killed their royals in the 1700s. The last time I was in Paris, it was teeming with tourists. I don't buy the tourist argument at all. Who ever, ever said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are really good. Ever had the hobnob? Ever tasted the sensual pleasure of the chocolate hobnob? No, what's that? The chocolate hobnob is a tasty, digestive, wheaty biscuit. With a thick, chocolatey edge. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go fuck yourself, this still works. There's a lot of different, there's a lot of different words that I like. One word that I like in particular is Bringe. Bringe? Bringe, yea, it means to like barge in somewhere. You don't come fucking Bringeing in here like you would in a fucking place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's a very, it's quite shocking to see Fanny. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if you put hairy in front of it for some reason. A hairy fanny. Yes, that, that just... Bad. That's bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm not, I'm not in charge of what words are in and out, but, uh, slapper is not. Slapper's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanker's popular, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. It tends to be more Australians that say wanker. Really? Really? I think so. Wanker. Yeaah, he's a bit of a wanker, isn't he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well that, that usually means that that's not nice. He's a right cunt. He's a right cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this time of year, I think. Yeah, it's festive. Yeah, it has a festive feel about it. I don't quite know how I feel about it. I don't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like at the end of The Great Escape. Do you know what The Great Escape really says? Good luck. The German says, all the British guys are getting on the bus and they're disguised and they're escaping. And the German guy says to him at the end, good luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you say in Scottish? Oh yea, what do Scottish people do? I say, I have to go to the gentleman's trouser department.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I missed the bow, and did it right on that rug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I have to say, I've noticed that I now make the same noises for sitting down, is that I used to make four ejaculations. That's one of the things about age, like I sit down now and I go, uuuh. Or getting up, I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot about it. Yeah, no, it's, uh, it's out. It's out right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, you go, to become a dentist, you have to go to medical school for at least five or six years. You don't just sit in your car with a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm shocked that a guy that would set himself on fire to cut his hair. Look, I have to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, I do not have any financial interest in supercuts, but they do a great job at a reasonable price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A great job. I'm telling you, there's not a super cut to the nation you wouldn't walk into, and they'd say, we don't need to do fire if you don't want to, and they'll just cut your hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a lot of fun man. This is the greatest show in the world. This is a lot of fun. Oh, we love you. I have to say, it's so good, I'm a little scared. And I think that's what makes it so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyway, we haven't talked, I think since Saturday. So, uh, tonight, I'm looking at Lilies and Union Square.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say around 8 o'clock, 8.15 and I'm gonna be in a fantastic mood then because I have so much to do. I'm looking at my to-do lists all around. I've like posted notes and everything else and I got my, my ice latte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? It's Charles from Match. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. I've been here, I don't know, since 7.30 doing some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually in my new office, I really like it, not gonna lie, and it's got this really cool view. Where are we? No? There we go, eh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyway, we haven't talked, I think since Saturday, so uh, tonight,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyway, we haven't talked, I think since Saturday. Yea, it's been a while. So, uh, tonight, I'm looking at Lily's in Union Square.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, uh, shoot me a text and let me know if 8 o'clock works. I can do 8.30, but a little bit early might be tough because I do have a lot to do. So, uh, shoot me a call. And did I say my name in the beginning? It's Charles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they really came down on me. You know, I gave you like fucking 80% off. I was like, hey dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they actually had me pull up the email chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so he came to my hotel, which was lovely. Uhm, so we met up by the Globe in the lobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely put sweatpants over it to go outside, so I think that added to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, no, well, I mean, I was drinking, I was mostly solo drinking, cause Josh doesn't drink much, but I kinda forced him a little bit. Uhm, but, uh, a little bit drinking, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I'm like, uh, and then I believe we went to the bedroom, or we were in a bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, actually. Uhm, cause that's always kind of a gamble too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was hoping there was gonna be some sort of like element of us like clicking. Gotcha. Uhm, yeah. So, uh, but uh, I mean, in conclusion though, I feel like you should go on with Danielle, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we were lying beside each other, and you needed to like take five. And then all of a sudden I just heard him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, well, I don't know. I think, potentially, maybe, that it may be the whole intimacy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they refuse to confirm or deny it. They know that there's a lot of people watching this case and they're not trying to leak any information before the proper time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard people named Con. I thought it was short for Connor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just, this is seeming all too, uh, I don't know man, this looks like foul play. I think he's trying to fuck with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he still has time to get stuff done. I'm not convinced this is Connell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, there's a lot of tips. There's a lot of things here that scream at me that this isn't him. First of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, the last thing he did was grasping a piss jug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wasn't shown in any of the vid- he's never talked about it. I mean, we've just been in like piss spots, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that guy is, if you're doing that, you're all about it. You're talking about it, you're telling people about it, you're showing people where you're peeing. He's just grabbing a piss bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, I think we've seen his tattoo work, at least I've seen his hands. Those knuckles are way too clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has ink all over his fingers. I do not think this is condaled. And also, where's the dot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there's a world- Have you explained the car? I don't think there's a world where Conold survives and his dog doesn't leave this world with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does, how do you explain the car? Look, is this a heavily modded car? Yes. Is this Conald's specific heavily modeled car? I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or modded car. Look, there's a lot of stuff going on here, but I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even just from looking in the window, it's like, where's the laptop setup? Where's all the crazy shit? I'm not seeing enough wires hanging from the ceiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's like, look, this is an old, uh, this is an old Vic, right? An old Crown Vic it looks like. Possibly. Like I could see some bars in the back window of a cop, that looks like it might have been a cop car. I don't know man. Look, is this a fucked up car? Yes. I don't think it's the specific fucked up car that we're used to. I don't think this is Connell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's all we have to go on, right? Is that it's a fucked up car and we see a hand that looks like it might belong to Fedsmoker? That- I mean, other than that, there's no confirmation, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your wish is true. He's alive. There's no way this is him. I would put money on the fact that this is not him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On uh, MonstersAndCritics.com, ConaldFedSmokerPetersonReportedlyDead. But I will say that I think our subreddit is where a lot of these rumors are starting and where people are thinking that this is actually him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, someone sent me a list of 40 active accounts, and that's another, that's the other thing. Is that, and he posts constantly, and granted he switches accounts all the time. So I would put money on the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we saw, uh, I think that was what, I mean that episode is coming out on Friday where you and Drew watched him playing piano at a church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good call. I mean, if he's actually left us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still, I mean from multiple reports, notice that there's no links to those reports. I'm not seeing anything here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the inside of the car. I'm trying, it looks like most of this video just has interiors of it. I'm trying to find a good one. Yeaah. But you know, I mean a lot of these videos are Fed Smoker approaching people or shooting from outside of his, from inside of his car outwards, so it's hard to get. But it doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it have, what's the thing on the hood called that like, uh, that gives the engine extra juice? Like the, the, the, a lot of muscle cars have it. Oh. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, I don't know what it's called. Because in that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had one of those, and now I'm just trying to see if we could see maybe the view from the dashboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we could see that maybe his car has that, but I don't know. I'm having a hard time trying to find this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you see how fucked up and dirty it is? I mean, I think that's bad tattoos, and I don't think we saw any of that in the, in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I think, yep, you're right. I just don't want this to be true, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing everything in my power to just, I mean, and this is probably confirmation bias at, uh, at its best, but it's like, I don't want this to be true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm probably acting a little irrationally and stuff, but it's just, it'd be too sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just, Chris just noticed something really interesting in this video that I have up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is the same one that we saw in the crime scene photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like everything about this, like you even see the Hurley sign on the part of the muscle thing, which I think would stand for Herkster, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, we're doing our best. We're still showing up to work, as you can see, you know, and he's still switching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, mixin' and matchin' it with all my, uh, uh, super authentic, like, supreme and Air Jordan and... Yeah, that's really fuckin' cool. Yeah, it's like a little mix and match, you know, I'm bringing a little street to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, uhm, you know, coronavirus, uh, I just want everyone to know, cause they've been asking, the incubation period is two weeks. I'm way past the two week mark. I can't speak for any. I think he might have the, the, the snake, uh, the snake aids, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yeah, you got sick with this last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he is aware of us. It was brought to my attention that he, I think, got into the comment section of that video where we premiered him. There is a video where he responds to being in the show. I don't know if you want me to tell you it now or prep it for next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, so there was a bit where he was like, yeah, you know, they put me in a show, that's pretty cool. Uh, you know, I guess any exposure is good exposure. Uhm, the lady that tweeted this out, he's like, he sent this to her five years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just starts going like, yeah, this is how good her life is. She's posting something that I sent her five years ago. Hope everything's going well. Like stuff like that, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than that, he seems like a pretty well-rounded guy. Yeah. Like we were looking into his channel to see like what other funny stuff we could find.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's all, it's all kinda not funny, you know? He's kinda like a self-help type of dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I will say that I looked into his channel and there's only two episodes of piss spots. Episode two was uploaded eight months ago and same with episode one. So it looked like he was on a train and then something came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at $23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm doing a video about it on TikTok. Why not show this? This is why I'm doing it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I grew up like that, and then I got really into, when I was in college, I got really into the BDSM scene. You did? What? How did you get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like went to this, there was a club, it was like in a warehouse in like a scary part of Denver. I was like, I'm not gonna die, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna be murdered. Yeah. Uhm, I went in and I started, I just started going to this like social BDSM club all the time and then I started working there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda like any other club, so there's people, some people just hang out, there's like food and drinks and stuff, uhm, and then there's like a big dungeon and so people will pair off and go play and you can see people getting tied up and flogged and all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like at that point everybody knew, cause I was, that was like my whole friend group too. Okay. So it was very much like that was like my social circle and kind of like the people that I knew and we would uhm, because it's kind of each city has their own little like scene, so we, you know, we'd go to like Salt Lake City or Vegas or Portland and we'd be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was kind of teaching, I taught a lot of like, uh, poly, like polyamory, like ethical non-monogamy, uh, creation classes. Oh wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my favorite thing is to always say like honesty. Honesty is always the biggest thing. And then communication happens not on your level, but on the level of who you're communicating with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was with a friend who was shooting for this BDSM porn company that was based there, and she's like, hey, come with me, it'll be a really fun weekend, like we'll just have a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I ended up meeting them and then a couple months later they emailed me and they were like, Hey, we really need a new marketing manager. Um, and my background's in advertising and social media. And they're like, do you want a job in this industry? And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that sounds way better than what I'm doing. Oh, so you're excited for this offer. Yeah, so I went up and I like worked on a set for a weekend and I did an interview and they're like, you want to move to Portland and work in our office and help us do these crazy bondage movies and I was like, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A really fun way to work where it's not a set schedule and, you know, I get to do some stuff from home and I can travel and, and, you know, I, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so yeaah, I started doing that and then I worked there for like 6 months and started shooting some stuff for them. Uhm, cause I was like, oh my resume is already kind of blown so I might as well go do this. And then I started doing mainstream porn after that. Uhm, I came down to LA and I shot for like a week. Behind the scenes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I came down to LA to like work for bigger companies, like mainstream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My first scene was up in Portland and it was for uh, insects and it was for hard tides so it's a rope bondage site so I got tied up and beaten. I didn't actually, they don't actually do a lot of sex, it's mostly just like naked bondage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! Easier than being- Oh, BDSM is way, way harder. Why is that? It's just, it's a longer day, it's more brutal. I mean, I did like a seven minute scene where I was like hanging upside down by my ankles, like that was- Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, so the more, yeaah, the more you work and the more known you are, the more say you kind of have in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, and then there's also people that are on my playlist where I'm like, I see you on the internet, like, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, usually, I mean it's a pretty small world, so it's pretty rare that I like, get to set to work with somebody that I've never met before. Really? Yea, most of the time. And like, I work with a lot of the same people too, so there's people that I've shot like four or five scenes with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then yea, like, or, you know, like, I'll say, like, you can pull my hair, cause I don't have extensions, that's a really big one. Oh, right, cause a lot of girls probably have extensions, and they, you know, they'll get really upset, so I'm like, you can pull on it, that's fine, like, it's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just doing a scene last week where this guy had my leg up and he had it like, he had it up and was like pivoting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh my god, like the dialogue is just, cause most people, a lot of people in porn are not actors, they didn't come to LA to be actors, they're not interested in it, but you do have to be able to do some basic dialogue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's okay, cause we're not really relating, gotta hit that tagline. And so sometimes you're working off of somebody that's just, they can't, and they can't do the same lines for continuity, so you just, you have to keep, oh, it's like so, and they'll be like, what's my line? I'm like, it's this, like I read the script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, totally. And so that can be, or they'll try to like take it in a weird direction. Like if it's ad-libbed, cause a lot of it's like ad-libbed improv dialogue. Yeah, so that's like way more frustrating. Usually the sex is between like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's exhausting. Yeah, and I'm like, and uh, the director actually, cause I kinda had joked, it was like the, we filmed it and it was the day after one of our big like nomination parties for our award season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so I was hungover too. I'm like, I'm fucking tired. Everyone was out. So, you know, 1, 2 in the morning. And, uh, I was like, I'm gonna phone it in so fucking hard on this. I'm like, call me Jerry Lewis. He was the only one that laughed because he was older. Everyone else was 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, then I did and he like put me on break and he's like, how are you doing that every time I turn over, you're like in the most comfortable position, just like not doing that. I was like, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean everyone's different. I actually just was talking about this with somebody the other day where they're like, I think if you have like a, like a stretchier vagina where like you can like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not something you just like fist your asshole tomorrow, like that takes months and months of like- You've done that? Yeah, I can do that, yeah. You can fist your own asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like had some pent up stuff that I was working through, and he kept wanting to fuck, and I was like, I don't want this to be my story, like I don't like you very much, and I was like, you know, you can just fuck my ass, that's fine. Wow. Like I don't want this to be the story of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just got really curious. I got like a bunch of lube because I had, there was like lube and I was like, you know, and I worked and then it just went in and it was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're still like in there. No, luckily not. Cause you're cleaned out. Like there's something in there. Yeaah. You clean out first. Yeaah. No. Thorough cleansing. Thorough cleansing, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just feels like warm and soft. Like I've fisted other people's buttholes too and it feels the same. It's just like warm and soft and kind of damp. How far do you go on someone else's butthole? I got up to like just about the same spot like there and it was actually my best friend which was really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, her name's London River, she's fantastic and hilarious. Uhm, and I... She's like my best friend, she jokingly says she's my older sister, she's a little older than me, and we've been friends since before we both got into porn. Have you guys ever...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we had always said that we don't work together because it's too weird. It's like we actually are kind of related. And then like we got an offer to do something for kink.com together and we both like accepted it from our agent like in the group text and she calls me. She's like, yeah, I guess our, our price for what's uncomfortable is like $800. It was not that high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For that one because there's not really, uhm, it's two girls, there's not really sex. It's like, it's mostly toys. So there's no like biological penis involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Significantly, so like I've done like my anal rate like for me to do like an anal shoot is like 1,400. Okay. Uhm, but then like I've done like, uh, like I did like a gangbang and that was like 2,500. Oh wow. That's kinda good though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, mmhmm. I don't do a lot of like just blow job scenes because they don't, it doesn't make a lot of financial sense to do them. Like unless it's for like a big company where you're gonna get. Important in general, most of where you make your money now is your own content. Yeah, so tell me about that because that's something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I have mine on like a couple payasides and then I also have it on Pornhub Premium. So, cause what Pornhub does is if you're like a verified performer, uhm, you can basically sign this thing where you get 5% ad revenue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I use OnlyFans. Okay, that's a big thing, right? It's the big one. It's just easy because it's a subscription base. You can like raise or lower the price. How often are you posting stuff then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just started filming myself going open mics and then doing my shows because I was filming it anyways. You're kidding! Yeah, and I had a bunch of my fans really like my stand-up and was like, hey, I'm gonna start putting on my OnlyFans so if you subscribe you can see my whole set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah, I remember her. I think I saw her on Twitter. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm not a size queen at all. Like I'm small, like the ideal penis size to me is between like 6 and 8 inches and like normal girth. Cause that's normal. That's fun for me, I don't want to feel like you're bottoming out my cervix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually, you know what's really interesting is uhm, for whatever reason, so obviously that's true, black male performers tend to have larger penises than white male performers. They don't tend to get as hard. I think because they're bigger, you can't get as much blood flow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they have to finish? Almost always, yea yea yea. We usually set it up to pop, like because it's, we call it the pop shot. And so usually like we fuck and then once they hit enough time on the camera, they're like okay set up to pop and he'll go over and just be like jacking off like in the corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think part of it's kind of mental maybe because that's their job and they're trying so hard not to for so long that they kind of just train themselves to like, not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never had them finish too fast, but I've had them get really close and have to like stop everything and like calm down. And like I've seen the guy like literally like walk outside like into like the cold and be like, I need to like calm down or I'm going to come. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not totally, I'm not totally sure. Just cause it's never been something that like super bothers me if a guy does that. I would say maybe like with somebody you're really comfortable with, usually that's kind of the ticket is like if it's somebody that you, or like two, cause I know guys that like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so maybe like if that fear is alleviated, I don't know, that would be my gut, but I'm not really sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean especially because I don't really like look


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a porn star or like really dress like one, so like I don't, that's not like the vibe that people get from me. Uhm, I don't really date casually a lot, like I've never been like a person that just like is on Tinder and like goes on dates. Uhm, but yeah, I mean it is, it's a little bit of a thing too, cause I think initially like usually what happens when I see this with my friends too is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would I ask you to quit your job after you've been dating me for like three weeks? Like if you were an accountant and I was like, you know, just


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[Assistant] And like say, that's way more fun and like way more empowering. Uhm, but we're getting to the end of it and he's like, oh yea, you think you wanna come here? And I was like, glaze me like a fucking donut. And I really hope that they kept that in. I like so badly hope they kept that in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well everyone would have to go get tested, which is I have to do every two weeks, and that's like $165. Is it really? Yea, so every two weeks it's $165.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I had this idea of like I wanna write a book and I knew I was interested in this and I was like and I'm also like I'm a pretty white girl from Colorado. I have no edge on me at all. Like there's nothing that's innately very interesting about me as a person if I'm trying to like sell a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, I got this idea where I was like, you know, I'll go do this for a couple years and see what I get. And I, like, I joked, like, when my parents found out, they were like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm on an extended research sabbatical. I love it. Like, I'm trying to figure this out. And so I'm actually working on the book now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they found out, uh, about a year ago, um, so I'd already been in the industry for like a year when they found out, um, it was just not great. That was like me being kind of a pussy and like not saying anything because I knew they were going to be upset about it. Um, they were upset about it, um, and it took about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It took about like, I didn't talk to them for like several months, cause I was just like, this is what I'm doing, and I, you know, I'm an adult, I'm not asking you for money, like I can't, you know, you don't get to like, treat me this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, we finally like started talking. The last six months we've done a ton of work on our relationship. I went home for the first time in October and saw them and we went to therapy for three hours. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I mean, the, yeah, the theory, the idea is that like everyone that's in the industry, you know, has a test and is only working with people that also have a test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some people that I'm like more inclined to believe than others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's definitely the, obviously the testing like lowers the rate of like any kind of like STI infection like dramatically that everyone's constantly going getting. Uhm, but right now I mean that's kind of the problem with having your own content and stuff too is that there's a lot of people that like are just fucking their boyfriend who is not a performer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, guess what, dollars to donuts, if you're like 19 and you think you're in an amazing relationship with a guy that's 29, like, he's definitely cheating on you. Like, yeaah, so that's kind of the, I mean, that's a big issue in our industry right now, too, is like, and there's, that's another reason why some people are Minolist, I assume online, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we get an email to us, uhm, so I have it, I can like pull it up on my phone, uhm, and there's a little QR code that you can scan on with your phone to make sure that it's valid and I didn't like forge it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Uhm, we also have a, a, uh, it's from the Free Speech Coalition runs and it's called the PASS Network and it's, uhm, basically it's a private network, you have to be a performer to get into it, but you can go online and type in someone's legal name and it'll pull up their, all of their test results forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kate Kennedy is my stage name. Yeah, yeah, so how did you pick it? It's a great name. It's a great name. Uhm, thank you. Uh, Kate was, well when I first started working in the office, behind the scenes, I had to pick a name then. Because I was emailing porn people and doing stuff and they were like, you have to pick, so Kate's my middle name. Uhm, and then Kennedy was just, I'm obviously super fucking Irish and I was like, it works nice and I'm so literate as, yeah. Good, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I don't have the prettiest fee either and I do footstuff and people pay for it. I think it's really weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean if I was ranking I think mine might be a little bit nice, but they're not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I didn't get this, but a friend of mine did, uhm, where this guy asked her to buy a pair of white tennis shoes, like white kids, and put mustard in one and ketchup in the other, and then put her feet in and like squish them around, like one at a time. That sounds fun. I know it doesn't sound really fun! I would do that. How much can I get paid for? It was like a thousand dollars! I was like, oh, I would do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's always said this. It's, you know, it's one of those things where you just have to practice. Yeah. A little bit, uhm, to get the right amount of, uh, cause you, you don't want to hit them that hard, right? Cause you don't want to cause torsion. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can you show somebody a montage for 30 seconds? And then cut away to- It takes longer to like take them out of it than 30 seconds, yeah. Uhm, so you have to like, you know, it's the same with like piss, blood, needles- Piss? What's the piss rule?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's certain ones, I mean, sites are different, but like how much you, like if you can drink it, or if you can pee on people, or people peeing on each other, like that's a whole, I had to do, also do a deep dive on this when I was like working in BDSM, cause I had to find out what we could and couldn't post places. Uhm, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Squirting is just peeing on purpose when you're really hydrated. Thank you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all it is. It's just, if you go to a squirting site, what they have is they have a table, like the craft services table, and they have a ton of Pedialyte on it. And those girls go and they drink like two or three of those giant Pedialyte things, they just chug them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I wrap them in plastic, I like, I have a whole thing, like I wrap them in like nice tissue paper with like a little bow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever had that one? I've never had that one, no. I do turn people down pretty frequently for like requests. You do? Yeah, I mean I get people that will request stuff where like, like I'm not cool with a lot of like the race play stuff. It's just not my stuff. Race play? Yeah, like I'm not gonna say that, yeah, that's what I draw to mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that, and I do think that fetishizing stuff like that should be kind of understood a little bit outside of societal context, because a lot of times when we fetishize things, it's our way of dealing with them, like mentally. And that's why a lot of fetishes are a little bit out there, but for me, that's always been my line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I work with anyone of any color, you know, I'm not, like, I don't not work with people for extra money, because there are people that do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's just, I should not be doing that. Uhm, actually it reaches the orgy I just did, cause it was uh, interracial so the guys were black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the director was like, oh, they're the basketball team. And I was like, that's racist. Can they be a little cross team? Can we say they're a little cross? We said they're a little cross team. That's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't do the scat stuff. I mean, that's not something that gets filmed in mainstream anyways. It doesn't, right? No, it's a credit card processor thing, you can't sell it. It is, that's so fascinating, I had no idea. Um, yeah, I don't do, uh, let's see, I don't do a lot of the, like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when a male talon will be like, yea bitch come suck on this dick. I'm like, you're gonna get way further with me being nice to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, a nice a please and a thank you will get you so far. And I'm amazing at this, so you definitely want me to do it. But like, you need to be nice to me. Um, cause that'll just, yeah. So I don't do a lot of the really crazy gross. I don't do the vomit. Thank you. So disgusting. It's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, when they're, they're like, oh, like, I want you to, like, humiliate me and do this stuff. I'm like, I can't. I'm like, I don't even know what to say. Like, I do this as a living and I've seen this kind of porn and I still, like, I feel super cheesy. It feels cheesy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I get a lot of guys that just like wanna talk to me. Like it's not even phone sex. I have a lot of guys that are either divorced or widowed or like have had a hard day at work and they just wanna talk and like I had one guy that was like, do you wanna cause you like lived in Florida and he was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the lighthouse. And it was my idea, cause I was like, I asked. What's the lighthouse? Well, it's the one where Robert Pattinson flexed the mermaid. What? I don't understand. It's black and white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I mean I try to do a mic every night. Wow. Good for you. Yeah, I took a couple, I took the last two weeks off because I, like I said, I ran into some writers block and I was like, I started to feel like I was going every night and I was just doing exactly the same thing and I started to get really frustrated with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mostly do like around Hollywood, I live like Hollywood, like Los Feliz area, so I usually go, try to go around there. Great. Yeaah. That's awesome. Yeaah, it's fun. So, it's nice, it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like- I was really nervous to start doing open mics because I think like when you don't know anybody and then you just go and like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like too, like I started doing comedy at the comedy store, so like I started doing it on a show. Which was totally unwarranted, like I did not deserve it at all. It was really nice that somebody let me do it, but I did it. That was your first spot at the Belly Room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't turn into my body like a body my same size. Like me floating into you or you floating into me. Holy ghost baptism. I just got anal sex. I just got laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the background, I mean, I don't know, I'll just put some show that I've gone through a lot that I don't want to pay attention to. A little cheers, a little bit of the office, a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Background noise that's kinda fun and filled with jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a good sport. Isn't that the best when they just go along with it? Yes. I just, I feel like I, when I did that Nickelback sketch on SNL, that was from a stand-up bit, but Nickelback, they loved it. Cause that was an old lady dying, that was her last words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they were so cool about it. They like tweeted like, man, we'll always miss our biggest fan, Mrs. Gomez. She's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of them do. I think comedians, we love ourselves, so we just want to hear all the impressions and everything of ourselves. But I think, I think musicians, maybe other, are more sensitive. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it is nuts, but once I actually started saying it out loud, I was like, it was gonna happen. Really? I started practicing that, like, law of attraction. I started saying, like, the spring before I even got the show or knew it was coming up, I was just starting to say my name was in the credits. Really? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I always thought that was crazy to do when people would just say like, I want to be on that show. I was for many years always like, Oh, I can't say that. That sounds weird. No, that's how you do it. That's what I meant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just more about me believing in it, myself. That's I think the key to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I auditioned first when I was 21, which I was a baby, but I did some solid impressions. You did. So I got that. But I wasn't a funny person, you know? Yea, yea. I think it's better to be a funny person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I auditioned that time and then seven years later I auditioned. Seven years later. I think, wait, let me do the math. I have to use my fingers to count. That's how I count too. Okay, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it was like, I don't know, 20... 2009 or 2010 I auditioned and then in 2016 I got the show. Okay. I don't know what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, I was, yeah. You were devastated by it. Yeah, I was like, forget it, I'll just become a geologist. Yeah. I don't know why I was like, maybe I'm a rock, maybe I'll just have to study dirt or something. But you kept plugging away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I was just like at junior college, I didn't go to a real- I mean, not to say that's not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was finding other hobbies. I was doing polymer clay figurine, like I was making figurines and drawing and hiking. I was doing volunteer work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you feel that sadness come up when you're just like, I should be doing this other thing. It alerts you. And then I kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had to go back. It just will keep reeling you back in. Cause you're meant to be doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think so, and then America's Got Talent happened, which was good, and then I was on the road, I was forced to like, work on my stand-up more, and then, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always submitted a reel every summer. And then, uh, by the, the year that I didn't really care at all about it, that's, I mean, I kind of like, I did a show with El Madrigal and he had, someone was there from SNL and I just did my standup actually. I didn't even focus on doing like straight impression stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you send your final one out and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so I think that's how it kind of happened and I did submit a reel again that year. But uhm, yeah, that show I was just focused on like doing the bits I wanted to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I had some impression bits, but they're formed in a way that makes me happy. And then I auditioned for the show again, but I did it as my standup that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it was like during those weeks. Cause it was so, I think mentally just crazy that, uh, yeah, my back went out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had my own play- I moved out of my parents' by like 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I think, I don't remember. I feel like they just kind of were like, well, you did, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, they don't even think they say anything. And then it was just kind of like a call, now they're gonna fly you back for meetings. Okay, so to meet out everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no I did like that, my audition I did like my stand up bits that had, that included my impressions stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went home and then I went back for the meetings. Yeah, I think there were some giggles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what was really sweet? That was the week of all the meetings with the writers and Lauren. I was, I had that back spasm happen in New York and I was like, oh god, I was in my head about just all of it and myself. I was like, I don't know. And then my parents,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're outside my hotel. They flew from LA to be in New York with me. You didn't surprise you? They surprised me. Yeah. They just wanted it. They're so excited. They've been on this journey for so long. They just, they love it. That's adorable. And, and how they were there and I was like crying. I was like, this is so, they're the best. And then, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were still there in New York cause my sister and brother lived there too so they were hanging out with them too and I flew back to LA. They were still in New York and I get the call. My other brother in LA picked me up in his jeep and uh, I called my parents and I was like put me on speaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I got it. And then, yeah, it was just, it was insane. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazing. It's so weird. Yea, and then for my parents, they're like, we, you don't understand, we watched this as teens, like this was our show too. It's crazy. Yea, that's right, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I checked it out sometimes. I think there was always that, you know, that feeling when you want to be on a show, but you, you're not, it's like that weird, I think I was always like, I don't want to get too invested. Yeah, it's very weird, but I, I think I watched it a bit, like some, cause there are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so sweet. That was really nice too, I felt that with comics, like at the store and everything, like just everyone was pretty, pretty sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to show you something. Okay, just tell me what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I've seen him at NACA and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give her a little pillow. What's the beanbag? Yea, beanbag. Like separate a bit. I agree, like standing. That's what it bucked me. Yea. Yea, I don't like him. Good girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? He hit him with the car. Yeaah, he's hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I thought of something else. No, no, I think there's a real bad clip out there that I've seen. Oh. And it may, it's so horrible but also, why is that? The same time of horrible things but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother showed me, I think a lady got eaten up by escalator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I use the steps at all times, if I can. When you guys go on the road, what floor level do you pick? Cause I always like two or three so I could run down the stairs. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I just feel like I need to know where the staircase is at so I can bolt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, can we get Josh on? I thought this was spam because people mess, like those, you know how you get requests on Instagram, people ask about it but I'm like, I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could get a thousand. Is there paperwork or anything, or you can't get in trouble or anyone gets after you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to, I know I could do it, but I get nervous because I want to do it correctly for, because I get nervous that I'm going to do it wrong. People are going to be like, hey, that's not how we sound. So I just avoid it all costs. But then sometimes SNL will be like, can you do this for the schedule?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I get so quiet on my headphones. Okay. I know. I think it's always what's newer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear dude, if you put me in like a taco bell right now, I will eat everything in there. No one else would get to have a taco because those, that's definitely, that's definitely my addiction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what I want to do. That's what I want to do this year is do the impression among what the celebs and both do too. I just think that's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, Christina, uhm, I love your comedy, and uhm, I think you're really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was telling you the other night at the comedy star, what works for me is watching a bunch of videos, watching a lot of them for a while, not even attempting, going to sleep and then giving it some moment and then it starts kind of flickering in my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like it's just sitting, for me it's just uh, listening and watching them for a while and not even trying and then after I sleep in the morning I feel it. Then you, you feel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I set out and get the ones I want to do because I love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's just people that are fun. It's, I don't know, people that make me excited. I think, uh, oh, I watched all fleabag seasons this summer. Yeah. And I didn't even attempt, sometimes that's what's good too, is not pressuring my, every time we pressure ourselves, it's just not gonna work. But sometimes when you're just there for them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like going to the movies or watching a show and you're like, God, I'm so invested. I love this character, but I'm not even thinking about doing an impression. And then later I was like, Oh, I could do the fleabag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Jeez. What's going on there? That's intense. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, I, yeah, but it's kind of, so I have a bit about how I want to like, I like to, well I don't want to do the bits for you guys. I mean I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did my impre- my bit, I actually met up with him for coffee last summer cause I wanna do a movie with him someday. Like I want him to play my dad and us just be like dumb idiots, you know? Uhm, but yeah, I was like, I do an impression of you and he was la- and the way he laughed was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could do that one. I guess I, yeah, I wish I could do the actual, his actual voice. I would love to do more. I love the male impressions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My two favorite things this last season on SNL, they were short, but they meant a lot to me. I did Waterboy, I had, you know, and then I was, uh, Takashi69 and then like a real cut to short, but I was dressed as him and I was like, that was so much fun to just be the dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I see a guy being gross, I go, and then, um, yeah, pobrecito.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't had a big, I was in whoppers in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think it's more with nerves. Cause during SNL when I'm filming, I hold him in. I get, I think that's, but all summer I was like, I didn't have any, I didn't have any big parties going on down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I shop, I always have to poo. Really? Like if I'm at a bookstore looking at clothes and I'm like, there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even go to the ocean, I don't like beach stuff. But, but, but yes, I've gone plenty in the ocean. In the sea. In the Atlantic, I just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I don't like when you have to shout out, you know what, I get fed up cause, well I mean, it's cool to go to parties and SNL parties, but the music's blaring, everyone's yelling, and I, I give up at a certain point, I'm like, I'm gonna keep it here and you're just gonna have to reach real close. Cause I'm not gonna do anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then they'll go back to the same restaurant after a while, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm in an episode and I do well, then the party's fun. Exactly. But if I'm not really in an episode and I feel low about myself, the last thing I would want to do is be at a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, I think like having comics and friends


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a mix of everyone. I mean, it's such a big group, you know, so it's all out of control. So there's writers and there's, yeah, Lauren and then also the host. Sometimes the host is like, oh, I don't like that sketch for me because I didn't have as much fun in that. So it's really not even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, usually in the meeting, like before, they'll be like, oh, this is cut from the show, this is cut. Or we'll see it on the wall, what sketches aren't in, that go on the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there was a, the week before I did the actual Lady Gaga update, I was, it was in a sketch that I had written with friends there, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't, it was fine, but it was nowhere near as great as the update. So it's kind of like that, that was a better time for it. So, and I also was just kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm making, I did, actually before I got here, I made a list of, cause you know, you get, are you guys, I get the summer blues and maybe the anxiety of going back too, I'm like, ugh. How do I, but I made a list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of all the, all the things I did this summer. I bought a townhouse here. I bought, I, I, I did some, I did a, I listed, I think I did 28 shows on the road. Headlining sets. An hour each show. Like just making the list to see in front, like oh I did all this stuff. That's good. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think someone told me he didn't know what the giving tree book was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are great. If you go watch me my first year, I was just looking at it. I just didn't know how to remember the line. But also they changed the lines before the live show too. So they're constantly reworking jokes and then they just put tape on top of it and then write on top of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the cue card guy, yeah. And, but they'll, the writers will come like right before the live show and they'll be like, okay, we changed this line. Now you're saying boyfriend instead of dad. So you just go out there and then just go out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's it. It's just all practice. That's why it's hard for hosts. But the pros know what to do. You know, people that have hosted many times, they know what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you vomit? I was constantly going to the bathroom. When I get nervous, I want to make sure all the pee is out. Me too. So I keep going, keep going. I do that. And uh, yeah, I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Larry David was Bernie, I think it was, yeaah. Oh, that one? Yeaah, that was the election year, my year I was going in. Yeaah, 2016. Yeaah. And so, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, after that, or the nerves I felt during that sketch, I was like, there's no way I could do this again next week. I remember being like, this is insane. But then after it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was also not fully, I wasn't feeling good about myself that first year. Cause I had all that tweet stuff happen. Yeaah. I mean, it was so dumb. And it's nothing to anyone, but for me, I'm so sensitive and I felt so horrible and embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An old, a blogger found old tweets of mine from long ago and said I was racist and like I got so, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just felt, yea, humiliated. And I felt like, oh, all my fans disappeared completely. I'm, I'm horrible. And, and I felt most of the first season, I didn't think there was a point. And then that summer after, I didn't really do standup because I felt so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing is people don't realize when they attack someone, get someone online, you're killing them. Yeah. For a while, like, it takes a long time to get back. Those big public shaming things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, even if it's just a day or two, it's still, it puts a pretty, but it's a good lesson. I know I've, I need, maybe I needed that too, so it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just great that I can own everything. It's better to just walk out now. Like, I haven't brushed my hair all summer. I don't need to be perfect anymore. You know, it's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this is what my Christmas tree looks like this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course, yeah. BDSM erotic hypnosis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like him at all, he's such a nerd. Like what if it was an attractive magician or a hypnotherapist? Like who's your favorite celebrity crush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your favorite impression to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Billie Eilish has been new. I love her. I know when you did it for me in the green room at the comedy store and I was so excited. Yeah, so this is her singing, okay? Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it depends on the heart, the density and how sticky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you exhausted after, you must have, we must have been elated and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a chair where they sit. Somewhere that person resides quite frequently. And then you're gonna wanna go back to wherever you cast your spells, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's always a lot of like, hate and pain in the world and there's always a bunch of terrible stories and every once in a while there's a good story. A good story comes out. A guy who got away with rape got his today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kobe Bryant is a god. I'm here in Charlotte, the home of the team that originally drafted him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, welcome, welcome. Look, I'm very excited to be here at day one of your mom's house studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And staff updates, our updates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I do think he needs, he's not doing this on the right platform. This guy should be a solid TikToker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this is the- that is the perfect platform he's wasting his talents on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I do think someone should put music to this and make it good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just talent that needs a good producer, cause he's got the bones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Foxwood's Comedy Club, Casino, Bar, Restaurant and Casino?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they literally, I did comics, C-O-M-I-X in Foxwoods, they called my agent and they said Christina needs to update the thing to say. Same thing. Yeah. Comics at Foxwoods Casino, Comedy Club, Restaurant and Bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it can't, their food can't be that great. It's a comedy club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exceptional. Some flappers in Burbank, I think their menu's exceptional. Schaumburg Improv. Love the chicken dish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or when they're like, or you're like, uhm, wants to eat here and they give you the ticket to go eat with the employee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's two X's in Foxwoods. Nooo. Uh huh. It's an up, it's an Upper New York, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go for the Jew, I like him. I'm very pro-Jew, you know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two, I had two long-term Jewish boyfriends. I almost married. How do you say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He counts, he can count in Hebrew. Did you know that Nadav speaks fluent? Yea, of course. I didn't, I didn't know that until...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just did Spade Show 2. It's quite a day. You're spending your whole day doing it. It's not like, they're like, oh, it's only a half hour taping. Yeah, that's the taping. But you get called at 10am with the topics, the producer. It's a fucking whole deal. You need to rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I went to the, I did this casino too, in the middle of the country, and the next morning I just went down to the casino, got my coffee, and they're like, holy shit! I'm like, well yeah, me and the guy in the wheelchair and the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've been, uh, jamming. We're gonna have coffee when I come to New York. Uhm, sweet kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she DM'd me this morning and asked if it was worth getting her passport rushed or should she, should she do a regular mail. I dunno, she just asked me random questions, I go, just regular mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he originally came up with the, this is, I wish this coffee was your spit. Um, yeah. So that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it really lurking if I openly like and support? I don't know what the kids are calling it but I openly like and support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you talking about showing your kibbles in this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhm, you notice that the blinds behind him, the makings of a really disturbing language video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I wouldn't, hey, he wouldn't say his life is terrible. He's got those anti- Not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pause it on his arms! Look at those upper arms! Josh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're doing $20 videos and then Cameo gets 25% for their cut. So I think you should increase your price after, especially after this air release. I think I will. I think I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he eats a loaf of bread in one sitting, like Wonder Bread or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when they don't shut down any part of Los Angeles for the marathon, for the bike, bicyclists, I mean for children. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, go take it to the beach with all the other assholes. Why are you doing it in the streets in LA? Anyway, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on. What scooter is the- this is what the kids- Yeah, on wheels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but I'm saying like, uh, I've seen those scooters that people are like ranting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to sit, you can't stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, so you're half a mile from home and you're sitting in your own caca. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get, you get home, and do you have stairs? Do you have to walk upstairs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, where did you throw the dirty pants? Oh, straight in the dumpster. In the dumpster. And then how did you clean off? Did you jump in the shower? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and did you feel like you could get, yeah, the smell's like still there. Did you smell really bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here at the, at the, at the studio. With a change of pants, a change of shorts. I do, yea. A change, yea. And wipes. Yea, we're gonna bring you your dye dye dye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is unbelievable. You guys are really something else. Unreal. And then there's you with your racist...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me? What do you mean? We were looking at a house yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I fell in love with the Spanish Dazzler. I'm a huge fan of the Spanish style. We both love it. And so we've been looking at Spanish style homes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? What did you call the little Incas? Atahualpa. It's a reenactment of Atahualpa. I love it. And there's crucifixes everywhere. And St. Maria. Everywhere. The tile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Juanajuato in a hacienda and there's fireworks going off and there's cowboys drunk shooting their guns in the air. I love it. I freaking love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he says it out loud. This is some serious spick shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a tat. Like the living room looks like an adobe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Cause you're very, your mother was very catholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well we have to find something in between, definitely, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like latin flavors, sue me. I'm very multicultural. I'm very woke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, dates, Christina P online, September 5th, Milwaukee, September 6th, Chicago, Illinois, September 7th, Boston, uhm, massive huge tits. That's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Nardsville, T-Tennessee, October 3rd through 5th. I've just added Spermvine, Spermvine, California, that's Irvine, October 17th, November 22nd, Meat Rattle, Washington, and then November 23rd, Portland, Oregon. Tickets at Christina P online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a music festival, I know Agent Jeans was like, I heard you like Billie Eilish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so funny to me. The two of you are known for being highly unlikable and watching the two of you have conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I wrote for Chelsea lately for a minute and a half too, and uhm, I remember every time she would say something that I had written, a piece inside of me died. Where I was like, oh, this might-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my thought, and that's my part, you know, you try to write for someone else's voice, but ultimately it's you, and you go, I should be the fuck, and I want to be the host, I want to be the star here, and my ego just could not take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your whole thing and it's so fascinating because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So were you always- no, so wait, so a young Anthony Jeselnik, did you always have confidence? Were you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people don't get the joke with you? How much hate mail do you get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're so methodical, you just said that a little bit. You come to kill. Every time I've seen you at the store, you're, you've got to, if you're working out your new hour, you've got your notebook and you're, you're so efficient. What's your method? What do you do? Do you record everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But is this like every guy in Pittsburgh? I feel like it could be like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did kung fu in the park, uh, in my late twenties with this like double black belt, uh, little asian girl. It was fucking great. It was in Griffith Park and we'd meet like every Saturday. That shit would break me down. It was so much exercise and then I'd go eat bean and cheese burritos at Yuka's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I loved feeling like I could, it put a level of confidence in my body, you know? Not that I was thinking about fighting people, but it did help me stand properly and be like, fuck you, like my attitude had changed. It made you feel left out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like, I'm not a comedian yet, and I'm just stuck, I'm trapped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, oh, I'm doing the same shit every day and I'm the same boss. I wonder what that's all about. Talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You know in 15 years you've never told me a dream. Like you don't dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't share them. I wish you would. That's the first time I've ever heard you describe a dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait hold on, I gotta ask you, I love this process, cause I'm a typer too. I do both, I have journal, journals, I make notes, but then I have to have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my computer, exactly as you say, with the pauses in there and the word economy, that's so great. Phyllis Diller said that her big thing was editing, not writing, and it sounds like you're similar, cause you're every, the economy of your words is just fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a vine, but with music, and so people can like lip sync along to their favorite songs. Right? So it's just like, you just browse through people, but I've curated a special collection of people that don't necessarily play music. But they're just special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I curious, why do I go through such lengths to bring you good content?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So okay, I think there's a lot of preoccupation with haters. And how do you deal with the haters and the people that aren't into your TikToks? And that was just one approach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anthony will appreciate it cause I saw a smile on his face. He doesn't smile very often. Now we're fucking talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I enjoy it. But you know why, I find entertainment-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a limited, I don't leave the house very often, so. I gotta look for fun on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good times. What do you like watching Anthony? What makes you laugh besides murder stuff like Tom likes? Uhm, what makes me laugh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are sketches that Tom and I, for the last 15 years, will reference. Like, Tim and Eric stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you're very much into like, that door's closed and the door is closed. Yeah. With the, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you've been, you've been like this since day one, I feel like. I feel like even as a little 20 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is for Father's Day, oh my god, in Australia. Uh, make sure you say he is an amazing dad and husband. Please be shirtless and say that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, is that still available? Yep. Well can I just compliment you first on this amazing collection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, so there's a lot of photos in this collection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we can't argue with history, right? I mean, it was a... You did a lot. Is there only one swastika flag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, ten thousand. Ten grand. Oh yea, of course. It's easily worth ten grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I actually, it's, it's surprising that I came across this, because, uh, my grandpa was in World War II as well. He's in America now, but, uh, yeaah, he's still, is a very-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I showed my grandpa your, the Craigslist ad and he, I mean, he doesn't speak that much anymore, but he was, I mean, it brought a tear to his eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, I am so excited for this collection, uh, I'm gonna really take great care of it, and uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you a call tomorrow and I'll stop by. Do you mind saying goodbye to my grandfather Dominic? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, uh, hold brew really runs through you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, yeah, but I feel like dead ass that it was me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he private? Yeah. Or, I mean, is it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope, I hope you guys did this weekend. If you were drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's important. Cause you, if you do get drunk and you drive,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is showtime, a lot to get into, great guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Labor Day is such an important holiday in this country. I have no idea what it means, what it's for, who it acknowledges. I just know that lazy people get to not do something. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had a mandatory labor day off, you're a piece of shit. Alright, let's start the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a extra long intro. Oh my god. That's not the regular intro. Whoops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, well that's, you know, it's kind of right on the day back. We've had a little break. Come back, get a little puke going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch this. This made the news, this made like international news. This is a morning news team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, then she apologized. It's, the apology is so depressing. It's always the worst part. She cries so hard. Oh no. And so intensely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what Christina's looking for for paying the puke clip is something like that from you. You know, a little bit of an apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her, her like, it just will never be the same for her. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's a good point, and I think that's a good lesson for people in life. Is like, if you fuck up, you should quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you make a mistake in any type of job, you should leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good idea. Before I did comedy. Cause you were like, I'm not good at these things. Yea, I'm not good. Maybe she's not good at talking. Clearly. Or thinking on the fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that was her, she's a professional speaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, this is a cute little black thing and so are you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was her thought. And she articulated it on television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't at a restaurant, she was like, I'm the, it's also morning news, isn't that like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I remember one time I said something, oh, I had a hat on that had like, uhm, I don't know, a logo, a team logo, and I also had like a jacket that matched it or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was in one of these, and they were like, oh, uh, big, uhm, whatever, you're a big Orioles fan? This is like on the morning news show. And I was like, uh, I'm like a black guy, I just wear hats that match my outfit. And uh, he was like, ho ho ho!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be great if during her apology she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, alright, well this was a fun job, we gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, dear mommies, thanks for providing me with an interweb with so many hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, well thanks Ted, for a letter we're not gonna read. Thanks Ted. Uh, yeah, so there's a lot to, uhm, labor, labor force was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, he made that huge YMH sign. That's stunning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it says, thank you for providing myself and the interwebs with so many hilarious, silly, fart-filled, entertaining... You got it. ...pomcasts to keep me laughing for hours while I work throughout the day. You gorilla looking black. What the fuck? What? This is my way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much from Canada, piss on me, beat me, Ted Munns. Ted, thank you very much. He made it. We're going to put it on the gram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he made a huge, elaborate YMH signage. Like mosaic type? Yea, in our logo and you can change the color lighting on it. It's really impressive. So thank you very much, Ted. It was very, very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that puts me in a dark place, but I uhm, that's always good. I don't know, I'm just feeling good. I am eating differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the guy, he was like, gave me the look, and I was like, what you do at that point is uhm, you just break eye contact to be like, I'm not down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a hello look and there's like, are you into this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave me the look and I was just, you know, I didn't do anything dramatic. I was just turned away. And then he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, it's hot out. I got my sandals, so, cause the floor's hot too. Like one of those things where you're like, yeah, it is hot. Uhm, you know, so he started that thing and I was like, yeah, he's like, yeah, I like coming here. And I was like, yeah, it's nice to pool. It's hot out. So then pool will cool you off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are we talking about, you know? And then, he's like, and there's, uh, I like it here because there's so many women here. And he went like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, I guess there are. He was like, oh no, it's going to fill up like 10 to 1 women to men. I love that. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and that reminded me of previous conversations I've had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're clearly trying to, uhm, disguise it by talking about sex with women. So like one guy who I know is like pretty, he's kind of famous. And I hung out with him, the first time I met him he was like, oh nice to meet you. He was like, ugh, ate so much pussy last night. And he goes, god I love that stuff. And I was like, uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that guy, that, that guy, the one who told me that he likes to eat it, uhm, I told other people that knew him and they were like, well, they're like, that's hilarious. He's, you know, he's just closeted. And I was like, oh, okay, that's fine. But this guy reminded me of that guy, the guy that I met. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many girls, and you could, you know, just talk to them, and I was like, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, you know, I'm self-loathing, I'll be like, oh fuck him, I need to lose weight. And then I saw this guy who was a disaster. Disaster body. I mean, he looked like a manatee in shorts. He was like, just falling out. No neck, fat fat. Fat fat, pock marked, HIV face. He had a lot of problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was walking away and he kept talking and I kept stopping and going like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cool. And then I would like take two, like I'm, I'm leaving. And he was like, yeah. And then, cause when I, I live up north and I'll come down here and I was like, are you going to keep talking to me? And then it was like two more steps, two more steps, two more steps. You know, he finally fucking shut it down. But I, I, we lucked out. Cause then in the pool he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he was doing, like, friend talk, you know what I mean? It was weather talk, it was travel talk. He was like, I had like the hotels there. He was talking about, he wasn't spitting games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forever. But I think cause she was like, I'd like to drown myself now too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder how, if that guy's confidence is really real, because, you know, I've always heard about that, like the, uh, like big people who are like, yeah, I look great, and I feel like, do you really feel that way? No way. I think some of them do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels good when you see a pig, and you're like, well, I don't look good, but next to that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think there was probably like 20 people at the pool, and then you can't rank people not in your class. In other words, if you're 40, you can't be like comparing yourself to 20 year olds. It's not fair. But, so amongst like the 40 to 50s, I mean, there was two disasters there, and I was like, I'll lay next to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just like ate, you know, healthy. I think seeing them also, I was like, oh, if you don't take care of yourself, this is where you're going to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right where that happens, she had a tattooed lace pattern. So if she were to take off her underwear, you would see lace around her waistline. Yea, where the panty line is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is possible, and it's uh, it's super ho shit, but it got us thinking about the ho-iest shit. Like, for me, the biggest indicator that you're down to fucking fuck, is I always thought it was thigh tattoos. You know? Thigh tattoos to me are like, she's, she's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, all these tattoos though, it's all about the person wearing them. It really is. You know what I mean? Like, there's certain people, they put on any kind of tattoo and you're like, that looks badass on you. I know. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fingers and toes and it's just like a French lady in Paris. And I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Only. And that's it. And why, even he, wouldn't even, like, a grandfather, wouldn't you be like, just so you know, grandpa, there's other options? Like, I feel like even a grandfather. Just cool ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It probably is that. It's probably a doctor being like, your feet need to breathe and then they're like, I got these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Take your dick and put it in your own ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's top of the line. He's a sex worker. I mean, I wonder if it interests any at all, knowing the money that Josh made. Is that of interest to you to get involved or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to get the word toxic down there with the symbol, you know, like that. I like it. And then have an arrow that points to the tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna do it? Yep. Or just get HIV and then the plus symbol underneath it? That'd be cool. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, to come anywhere is a thing. Whenever you can imagine someone coming, that's someone's thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, oh. So we played the, uh, acupuncture song last week? Yea, I remember, it was great. Can you remember that? Um, can you pull up the original? Like, can you, do you have the clip you can play of the? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy, yeah, just pull that up. So, what happened was, uh, we're gonna play this clip in a moment, but the, the guy who sent in, well, his video was out there, we played it, and then we asked you, the audience, to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a folk country banjo song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The music is not bad, but uh, your lyrics are insane. Like you are fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude's gonna, the dude who made the original video is gonna reach out and be like, please put me in touch with that producer. I need to make an appointment. I know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's one by Brian P. And I'm sorry, is that right? Brian P. Oh, and Greg C. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a fraxo acupuncture song, YMH edition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's that one. Sorry, big milky. Yeah. Appreciate the effort and time, but I am tapping out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really impressed though. That was a maze. With everyone but you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to the original guy, it must be a thrill to hear your original songwriting, uhm, you know, put together with great musicians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, don't send it though, but you should keep working on it. It's really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually is kind of fascinating and I don't know the answer, but I would like to get some answers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's, it's, so what you're saying is, if somebody, so there's obviously there's Olympics. Right. There's Special Olympics. Right. There's Paralympics. Right. Uhm, so you're saying if somebody is severely mentally disabled. Right. That physically can compete with the best of the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are the records on some of those? You know what I mean? I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know if they're close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes it does. No, you have to because no one is like you. Who's like, I wish this was on television. It's just family and friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there, I know, is there another, is there like 100 meters? Like not the hurdles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he ran, he ran a what? A 10-8-5? Yeah. 100 meters? Mhm. That's... Is that good? That's moving, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't his record in the 100 meters like 9 something? 962? You're kidding! What's his 100 meters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the women's, women's record by the way is 10-4-9.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is discrimination. Oh no, that's a Paralympics record, dude. That person has a missing limb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you Google his name? Cause it has his name there. Look up, look up the guy. Yeaah. Check that guy out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's probably just missing it by, you know, I dunno, second and a half, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think you have a new cause to kind of get behind and, uh, you know, I wish you the best. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Let's move on to, uh, just let you know, by the way, that if you're still in the market for some Josh Potter sex work videos, your window is shutting, and it's shutting quickly. From what I understand, he is up the price, and he is now saying adieu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To this world, but just a final few, right? Is that the correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quite a few. Oh yea, he's done, yea, it's been pretty wild. Uhm, are you done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It literally boggles the mind. I piss in the toilet where it goes. But like if you're in the middle of the shower and you're going to be in there for an hour. I hold it because I'm not a fucking old man. Oh my god. You have a pee extracting situation there. No you don't. You have a drain. Piss right in the drain. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will tell you this, if somebody is willing to pony up $2500, I will match it so you can come on Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, just before we depart here though, uhm, are you thinking of doing one last increase? Uh, to like, just say like, you know, this is my last go at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and, uh, just so you know, a girl came up to me at the store the other night, I'm waiting to go up, walked by, she goes, oh, just so you know, I don't know if I can make Josh come, but I'm willing to die trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's see, next week I'm doing a little southeast run. Memphis has a few tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greenville, South Carolina, a few tickets, and the Late Show in Durham, North Carolina, September 14th, has a few tickets. Uh, the rest are gone. The next time I go out, San Jose, uh, that's September 18th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the LA show on the 20th has some tickets, a few tickets left. 21st is sold out. Santa Barbara is the 22nd. You can get tickets to that right now at TomSagura.com slash


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's see, coming up after that, we have El Paso, Tucson, uhm, there's a very few tickets left there, and the Late Show in Denver at the Belko has only a few tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we go to Des Moines, uh, Lincoln, Nebraska, Sioux City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MiniAppleTits and Fargo. You can get all those tickets at TomSagura.com slash Tor. Don't forget that we added a fourth show in Austin. That's the 17th. That one's at the Paramount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York is on sale, both Kingston, New York on November 6th and New York City on the 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ben Salem, don't forget that is also up. Um, that's on the 8th. Very excited to be doing all those shows. TomSakura.com slash tour has all those shows. Uh, that's it for us. Thank you very much. We're going to have a guest coming up here soon. It's time for a quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people who, uh, are watching or listening now, Dr. Drew After Dark, every week, you can download it wherever you get your podcast, or you can watch it on our YouTube channel here at Your Moms House Podcast.