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[Assistant] Craft dinner is a top selling grocery item in the country. Canadians consume 55% more blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub


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[Assistant] The quality of their tap water is often better than bottled water.


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[Assistant] How can tap water be better than balled water? Isn't balled water real water?


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[Assistant] Chloride. Chlorine. Oh fuck, do people drink bald water then? In Canada. If it's shittier than fucking top water. Let's just say in certain places, man. On average.


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[Assistant] That could mean often, one in ten, one in a hundred, ten in ten. It's a fucking trick. Well that's just, that's what the word, it's like some


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[Assistant] They are kinda tricky. They are tricky, but. Get it. The Canadian mint. Do we know who those guys are? Yes, the green flavory fellas. Alright.


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[Assistant] You wanna get one, Julian? I fucking love to get one, man. It's a good fucking goal for you to have. How big is it, do you think? It would be...


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[Assistant] When I'm really drunk, it's bad to be horny and hungry at the same time.


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[Assistant] What battery do you shaft? Sensation.


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[Assistant] Yup, she did have a donair cooch. I caught Cory bagging a bucket of chicken once, that was pretty fucked. A bucket of chicken. I was there Ricky, I remember that. The extra crispy shit too. That must have fucking hurt. He's all scraped up.


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[Assistant] Jacob, you probably know about this, and maybe Bubbs does too, because he wanted to be an astronaut.


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[Assistant] Landing strip. Why do you like landing strips? Yea, well, it's not a name for something else. Why? It's where planes land. It's where you land on a lady. All he means when she's got the...


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[Assistant] I had no idea it was on the table. Who gives a fuck?


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[Assistant] All over here. Yeah, they don't fuck warn you about that when they saw them to you, do they?


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[Assistant] I can't be real. You'd never be able to play soccer, but I was gonna be kicked out all the time. Oh listen, who's talking? Yeah, man. Fucking Gary Belchford.


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[Assistant] What are we up for, guys? We're just gonna get shitfaced.


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[Assistant] Jake kept you not invited, no offense, right? There's something fucked in Ontario. An Ontario man invented Hawaiian pizza. Who would've thought?


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[Assistant] Do they even eat fucking Hawaiian pizza in Hawaii? Or is it just a fucking sham? I'd say they eat Hawaiian pizza in Hawaii.


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[Assistant] So when they come over here, they go, let's get some Canadian food.


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[Assistant] So if there was a burger joint in China, it'd be called Canadian Food Restaurant. Perhaps, yeah.


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[Assistant] I think this fucking guy in Ontario gave that name away to another country. Should have kept the Canadian name.


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[Assistant] Well, jungles have pigs and fuckin' pineapples.


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[Assistant] Out of the ground. Like a fucking cucumber. Yes.


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[Assistant] Oh, it's the fi- Who else? The merch company? East Coast Donors.


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[Assistant] Was Orville Red and Cocker. But he couldn't use it. Why, that would've been embarrassing. He couldn't use it on the packaging. Are you for real? It wasn't... That's not true. Orville Red and Cocker. That's not true. He came from a long line of Red and Cockers.


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[Assistant] The Newport Red, Red and Cockers? I believe they were. The Newport? The Newport Red and Cockers were part of that. You guys are fucked.


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[Assistant] How do you pronounce your name? Cause people say it two ways. It's Bobby. No, I meant the last name. Oh, oh, oh. Jesus, Jesus.


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[Assistant] He's one too. And you guys have made a couple movies in your day.


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, you've made a couple of fucking doozies, more than a couple doozies. Fuckin' rights. All the movies that I've actually...


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[Assistant] You know, sometimes Ricky, when I get laughing and I actually piss myself? Here's movies. Oh, I know. Yeah. Everyone's doing. Yeah, there's been some.


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[Assistant] Do you have a favorite movie that you, you know, would say, that's my favorite movie I direct?


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[Assistant] I'm just fucking with you, I'm just fucking with you.


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[Assistant] It's, you should not maybe talk so much about movies, cause you tend to get them all fucked up, the actors and the names and the directors. Who knows everything about movies all of a sudden? I don't know everything about movies, but I- Trying to kiss up to Bobby. No I'm not.


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[Assistant] Yup. Man, you think he's good looking? You said that earlier.


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[Assistant] You did say that, Bucks. Not in a weird way, I just said, yeah, he's a handsome fella. That's all. Okay.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I just always thought once you see them creatin' pigmen, that's gonna be the end of her. But what is this here? What? Embryo. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's like the thing, you know, when it starts, when the two- Well, it's half pig, half man. Yeaah. Does it say which half is which? Oh, fucking good question. It- I don't believe it does.


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[Assistant] You guys actually promised we weren't going to talk about cocks or penises for this episode. I was not the one that brought it up. I was just saying there was a half peg man. Would you hang out with a half peg man? Depends which half.


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[Assistant] Nice one, Babs. It's better than getting nothing. Oooooh. Yeaah, I wouldn't know. Cause that's not me, I'm not the guy that gets nothing. Believe me. When's the last time you had something? I don't talk about that type of thing cause I'm a gentleman. But believe me, I get her going. What do you pay for it?


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[Assistant] I never said that, I just, I go to the supermarket and I go into the produce section. Oh, I see you're shopping for cucumbers there. Alright.


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[Assistant] I don't mean I specifically wait around the cucumbers, I was just using an example. It could be onions or eggplants or anything. You know, that's some nice kale they got in today. And that gets it going. That's a good ice cream. That gets them revved up.


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[Assistant] You grab one, you just matter, you'll squeeze her.


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[Assistant] I know, I'm squeezing the tail. Look at that. Well, it looks like you're squeezing something else if you're down like that. Like up like that.


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[Assistant] Oh, there was something, wasn't there something you didn't want to talk about? Let's talk about that. Nope. Ricky. Was there? What was it? Remember you said, don't talk about this? No.


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[Assistant] What the fuck did we smoke, Greggy? Joint, actually.


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[Assistant] It's Irene, Ricky, me and myself and Irene, not darling. Hello?


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[Assistant] His Clint Eastwood impression, you know, he'd make all the...


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[Assistant] Well not if he was in dirty airy mode, and had his pig, you know, whappin' out.


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[Assistant] No boys, I wouldn't talk, I would talk to him just to be nice and say, hey I'm a big fan, but I wouldn't squeeze anything on the man.


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[Assistant] That was Seabass, I didn't know that was Seabass. But there's a similarity, don't you think? Yeah, a little bit. I've never seen you


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[Assistant] I did never have I competed in roller skating. You won second place for nicest outfit.


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[Assistant] See, and the more I fucking say no, I didn't do it, the more guilty I look. I didn't- Doth protest too much. See how lucky he can't keep a straight face cause he knows it's true. Alright, yea, I fucking roller skate. I mean, I love it. I do it around, you know, two, three in the morning. When no one can see me. That's what you think. You guys are fucked.


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[Assistant] That's what you think. Have you ever roller skated, Bobby? Uhh, I roller bladed.


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[Assistant] I think you're fucking with us. Is that true?


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[Assistant] Loadmaster's actually the guy that secures the cargo into, into commercial airliners. Little known fact right there. Very interesting. Not really. Wow. Well, fuck you, Ricky. At least I brought some stuff. Do you know you can get 18 karat gold McNuggets?


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[Assistant] Little gold nuggets. So you just order nuggets and then randomly you open, holy fuck, I got the gold nuggets! Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's to promote two, uh, new dipping sauces. I think that's dangerous because what if you swallowed it? What if you ate it? That's right. What if they gave it to a blind person? And he was just feeling, oh, there's my nuggets. Pop her in. You might know in probably different ways.


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[Assistant] Who wants to shit gold? Well, it's like the goose that laid the golden egg. No, it's not. It's like you shittin' gold that you swallowed.


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[Assistant] That's gone through your gastrointestinal system.


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[Assistant] Or, or you could say, I'm so crazy I swallowed a gold nugget just so I could shit it out. It might be a fucked idea, you're right. No, it is a fucked idea, no might about it.


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[Assistant] I don't believe that's true, is it? Yeah, no, it's true. 80 years! Parrots usually fucking live longer than their owners, bud.


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[Assistant] They lay you down, rest. Aw, Jesus, I mean. I'd be terrible to leave your parish. Who's gonna feed him?


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[Assistant] No, like a turtle, Ricky. He was in a museum, but he was alive, and I went in, saw him, and I said, hey, this is Mr. Feckles. And I said, hey!


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[Assistant] I'm just saying. How'd you know it was 160? There was a sign. It said it's 160th birthday.


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[Assistant] Could be full of shit. Unless, when he was born, they took a record of it, and there's the record, which is the way it goes with most historical documents. When they just painted a fucking number on his back, or?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but see Ricky, what you would do, you'd go and cut the fucking turtle in half and try to count his rings. Well, it grows back. No, it doesn't. Turtles don't grow back if you cut them in half. I thought they were one of those animals that did that, like a starfish.


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[Assistant] You can break off a fucking crab claw and it'll grow back. I used to have a pet lobster. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Ready, remember? No, you didn't. Ready? Ready. Ready. Ready, lobster. R-E-D-D-Y, ready.


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[Assistant] What happened? I don't remember ready. Ready? You got run over right out here on the road. Run over by a, like a bass buy truck. I think it was. That was the end of them.


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[Assistant] I remember you had a- I'm Alicia and he used to pull himself along with one arm. I don't remember that. Are you sure you didn't get that dreamt? No, Ricky, that was- I remember you had a chinchilla. I'll find a picture of him.


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[Assistant] I've had to have guns several times, but I don't carry one as a general thing. I don't believe in it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we're selling merch with us on it. That's what merch is, pups.


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[Assistant] Alright, this is official. Trailer Prep Boys, podcash coming at you. I don't know what fucking episode this is. No, it's in the 40s, isn't it? 48?


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[Assistant] Can we get into some cool shit, like some stuff to talk about other than Nate laser nipples?


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[Assistant] Check this up, boys. I was reading up on this dude. I know Ricky, you've always been saying that, you know. You're reading up on a nude dude?


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[Assistant] There's this dude over in India, okay? You've been always saying that you wanted to go up to fucking Toronto, become a street person, make money. There's a guy in India, who got in an accident and got all fucked up. This guy, I mean, this guy was gonna go become an engineer, right? But he got fucked up, so he started begging.


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[Assistant] So now, this motherfucker, he's got like 7,500 bucks in four bank accounts.


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[Assistant] And he's got $185,000 in property.


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[Assistant] Yeah, a guy pleasured himself. No, he brought it up, then instantly goes to Cox. No, you guys are getting into details both.


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[Assistant] Let's rewind the tape then everybody. From other podcasts.


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[Assistant] Bubbles was right there watching him.


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[Assistant] Now that's a premeditated murder right there. That's like a, that's the best. Smart. That's just, I don't believe it.


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[Assistant] He can run for 350 miles straight without stopping. Bullshit.


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[Assistant] Yes or no answer here, Ricky. Do you have fucking chicken burgers or cheeseburgers or any kind of food in your gas tank right now?


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[Assistant] He tied up his camel out in the desert, right? And just left him out there all day? He tied up a candle? A camel. He got back? Untied the fucking rope? The camel bit his head off.


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[Assistant] And then there's a camel in America, that fucking, uh, he started biting and kicking a man.


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[Assistant] I said there's a place called the Republic of Meltova. Oh wow.


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[Assistant] That's it, man. On average.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and our merchandise company, or the trailer for our boy one, it's, what is it? Trailer?


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[Assistant] I'm not Ricky, I'm, uh, the man with the horse face. I'm the guest today.


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[Assistant] I like perching around and eating, uh, grass and, uh, just running.


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[Assistant] Alright, we ready to do this boys podcast, I'm excited.


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[Assistant] You're excited today, are you, bubs? I am. What are you excited about? I don't know, I'm just excited. I don't have to have a reason. You must have got a batch off this morning, did you? Ricky. Now we gotta start over, because I don't want that on the- I don't want that on there. Alright, let's start over. And welcome to the Pot Cash. Hey. Hey. Julian. What? What's going on, man? Is this going down now?


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[Assistant] I don't know man, I'm fucking, I don't know what's going on with me, I'm sick, I'm just, I got some kind of a stomach flu or something. But I'm here. Seems like it's ever since you got back from, from that nightclub where all the fellas hang out.


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[Assistant] That's the night you got sick. You did fuckin' pound two bottles of Liquorman's into your head, so. Why, like, why would you, why would you say that, Bubs? Why? You're supposed to be my friend, man. I've been fuckin' up all night. Gettin' sick.


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[Assistant] You're supposed to do the, you know, hey! You know what? I'm here because of that, Bobs. I'm here because of our sponsors and I, I'm the one that takes it seriously. That's why I'm here.


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[Assistant] This is the Trailer Prep Boys podcast. Okay, it's coming at you right now. Sponsored by Liquor Mints. Semi-professional. And HTTPS.


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[Assistant] Collin, backslash, backslash, trailer, park, no trailer. Trailer slash park slash boys.


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[Assistant] I wasn't expecting this at all, okay? At least you tried. I could have said I built it. You did? I had to sand. Isn't that what they make glass out of? Sand and heat. Well I don't know, Ricky. Maybe you Googled it, did you? No, but I'm going to. Ricky, do you remember last week when you were talking about your search history on the Googler? Yep. No. I just want to ask you- Hold on a second. The what is it?


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[Assistant] Snoopin'? No, it's not, Ricky. I just, I clicked on the history and it popped out and, you know, I just- It's almost like spying on me without being there.


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[Assistant] What? Ricky. Why would you, why would you even think about that? Cause I've been trying to come up with one of those million dollar ideas, and, anyway, the squeals.


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[Assistant] I'll show you, you go on the internet and you just put up your ID and you ask people to give you money. Horse Wheels. It's got a good ring to it. HorseWheels.com. You gotta luck for that one. This is one here that, a pair of them actually that kinda took me by surprise.


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[Assistant] And then, immediately after that, how to barbecue a parka pack.


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[Assistant] I've been doing a lot of, uh, research lately, you know, just trying to figure out different foods, alternative foods.


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[Assistant] So, you know, people don't have a lot of money, there's all kinds of those things fucking around, and I just wanted to know if people have barbecued them, and if they have, what they would use to make it taste good, and if it tastes good, even in the first place. Couldn't find a lot on it. So, as an alternative food source, you're recommending guinea pigs and porcupines.


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[Assistant] Tell me, did you barbecue a guinea pig? I need to know because I used that barbecue. What's the right answer here, Bubs? The truth, Ricky. The truth sometimes is not the best answer all the time. I... I didn't, I did not barbecue a pork a pig. You didn't? Why would you want to though? But you barbecued a guinea pig then. Well, a little moa-headed little guinea pig.


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[Assistant] He got pretty fat and he died. So I'm thinking, what do you do? Bury him? Or do you not waste him and make a meal out of him?


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[Assistant] Didn't turn out so fucking good, that's why, you know, I was trying to think. What did you have them with? Did you have them with like some, you know, like a jacket potato? Potato salad.


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[Assistant] Did you pull him apart? Like, you know, his little legs and stuff? The legs are just a bit smaller than like a chicken.


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[Assistant] You know, when you got chicken wings and they throw in the little mini legs sometimes. They're a lot smaller, man. Ricky.


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[Assistant] Didn't say anything about barbecue and little fuckers, but you can cook them. It's one guy roasts them in the oven.


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[Assistant] Ricky, if I catch you fuckin' barbecuing pork at Becks or... ...Dinny Pigs or any of that...


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[Assistant] Like the guinea pig, if it died, Ricky, it could have died because it ate rat poisoning or something bad. I mean, you just can't eat shit like that. It's dead. It'd be better if you killed it.


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[Assistant] You also googled, that's what goes for our conversation last week. Can you live in a pickle? Yeah, not much came up on that. You can live off eating pickles, but didn't say we're living in them. Imagine that. It didn't have any information about how to live in a pickle. Bat cocks!


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[Assistant] That's an interesting, I was really curious why you were googling bat cocks. Do we have to talk about everything that I was wondering about?


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[Assistant] Flying over me and they were freaking me out a little bit and I was looking at them going, I wonder if fucking bats have cocks. I don't know why, but I had to know. Anyway, first thing comes up, a video on YouTube of a bat sucking its own cock. I didn't, I don't think I watched it, but some stuff came up on bat cocks. You did watch it? What do you mean you did? How could that come up and you not watch it? I couldn't, I actually couldn't turn away. How long did it take him? Like how long was he sucking it? I don't know.


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[Assistant] Ricky, how do you not see the difference between using your mouth or your hand on your own wiener? But it's still accomplishing the same thing with one of your body parts.


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[Assistant] It's a tough call, though, because, you know, I mean, we both know that one of them feels better than the other. So, fuck it, you know, that's a tough one. Would you do it, Julian?


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[Assistant] Exactly. That's why I'd leave the house. What if you said that's normal? I don't think you would, Ricky. It's not, man.


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[Assistant] As to why you were googling, removing a toenail with pliers.


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[Assistant] I don't think that was me. Well it wasn't me, Ricky, and it's wedged in between back cocks and the next one. Shit stains on car seat.


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[Assistant] I don't even know what it is. And what about shit stains on car seats?


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[Assistant] It sprayed out the side of the diaper onto the, uh,


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[Assistant] The backseat. Okay, now say that exact same sentence, but just replace the word mall with recce, and then I'll believe it. Because you have been told to shit yourself as well. Everyone shits themselves, that's a fact of life. Well, recce most? Adults don't.


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[Assistant] It's gonna be zero, Ricky. Like the average person doesn't shit themselves once a week. Google it up, Julian. This is gonna make me puke even fucking typing this in.


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[Assistant] Don't put, don't click on images cause you'll be probably afraid of what you see.


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[Assistant] I'm not good at spelling though. Every time I put something in it says


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[Assistant] Did you mean this? And it comes up with the right fucking- Look, it thinks it's so fucking smart. Ooh, look at me, I'm Google. Fuck off, Google.


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[Assistant] That's what it should say. Hey fuckface, did you mean this because you're stupid? That's what I'd do if I was Google.


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[Assistant] It's not saying shit yourself, innit? Well, put, uhm, accidentally shit your pants. Okay. That might zero. See, Google works on algorithms and... Should we put this little lady down for a nap? No, man. I'm going for it. You need it, Julian? I think I need something. Dig deep. You guys. Down to the dark cave.


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[Assistant] Where the conversation comes out to, hey, let's stick a lemon up our ass. Well, I'll see what happens. Suppose you're drinking tequila.


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[Assistant] Well, some people would do that, other people would make this little solution of


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[Assistant] Best way to cut your finger off. Fuck, see now you're making me look like a weirdo. Well, I'm just, I'm just curious.


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[Assistant] Why these things were being searched? Well, I started thinking too much. See, I had fucked my finger over there, and I'm thinking, when you get drunk, really high, sometimes you get paranoid, I'm like, fuck. That's probably gonna get infected. It's gonna blow up.


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[Assistant] So if you're gonna have to lose your finger, you might want to know the best way to lose it. The most painless free way.


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[Assistant] Well you're, fuck, you're growing the craziest weed on the planet, man. You gotta, like...


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[Assistant] But how, once you're doing it, how do you fucking go back? Say, okay, this is fucking too good. I need...


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[Assistant] Not so good weed. What Rick, you're thinking about cutting your fucking finger off, man.


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[Assistant] Holy fuck, Ricky, there was a guy sitting on the toilet, doing his business, a fucking eleven foot python came up the drain, grabbed onto his wiener, wouldn't let it go. Fuck off. What do you mean? Eleven footer. Hold the fuck on. The guy's name was Athaporn.


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[Assistant] So, how did the snake come up? Came up through the fucking, the plumbing? Somehow, man. Poked his head up through the toilet?


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[Assistant] No, Ricky, it's a snake, there's pictures of the fucking thing. No, but she probably bought the fucking thing, trained it, and shoved it in the fucking plumbing. Said, go at him. My fuck.


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[Assistant] Anyway, they got the python out, they took the toy a little prior, they took it out and


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[Assistant] Alright. Why don't you have a taste for cock? That's, that's what I've heard that the people sometimes say. No Ricky, no that's, why don't you have a taste for, they say,


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[Assistant] Found a lichen for cock, and if it's back in the wild, it's gonna go, fuck, that was pretty easy and-


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[Assistant] No, it was a snake, Ricky, an 11 foot fucking snake. That's now out in the wild looking for more cock. Great. You're the only person I know that's been bitten a cock by a snake twice. It fucking sucks, I'll tell you that.


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[Assistant] Unbelievable. Especially when weirdos ask if they can suck the poison out.


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[Assistant] But you just said- Well it depends actually where the puncture holes are. If they're just on the side, that's one thing, but if there's one on each side of the- of the pass hole, then you're in trouble. And then you have to what? Well then you gotta get right on to the end of it. That's different than sucking the poison out the side of it. But could you hook on a tube or something? So you wouldn't have to actually touch it to your lips?


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[Assistant] I spilt a bunch of shit, popcorn, and a bunch of fucking those little, uh, triangular cheddar chips. Wanted to clean them up. I had ten bucks. No drugs. So it's either go buy a fucking broom, clean the trailer, or make a broom and go buy some hash.


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[Assistant] It's not that hard. It fucking takes a while though. You gotta go to a firm and steal some fucking straw. And then get a nice stick. Some wire.


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[Assistant] You know, just do this with a piece of paper. Oh, when I googled, that's what came up. The straw, and wire, and the fucking stick, and guy knew what he was doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, sometimes guys, everyone has bad breath, do they? They don't want to fucking harm other people. Mo was fucking kind of recoiling a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes Ricky? Brush your tongue, man. You can buy an actual tool just for your tongue. It's a little flat thing with these little spiky...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rubber things on it and you just rake your tongue like you're raking the lawn. It'd be nice to have one of those after a night in the bedroom, wouldn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First you tell us you can suck your own wiener, now you say a night in the bedroom you gotta scrape things out of your mouth. I mean, it seems to be a pattern. And he's got a shit breath. Somebody's eating ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a couple more. Cause these, that's what I found curious. First you, first you searched how to make your deck bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you went- There's lots of tools that say they do-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do that, but I don't know if they'd actually work or not. It could be a fucking scam. I mean, I'm not that bad, but I was just thinking it'd be kinda cool if it was extra big and you just let her hang all the time, just walk around. It'd be kinda fucking cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's fucked man. So if you had a giant wang, you would just walk around parties with the fucked thing out. Like a crowded party where you're brushing up against people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, everybody start laughing. I'd be the life of the party. I would punch you in the face if you slapped your wang over my shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A licky brush. It's a brush that you, it's like a rubber thing with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To groan them rather than, you know, trying to hold them still and you're, you know, calming them with the wire brush, which they hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, so the kiddie's like, oh, he's cleaning me with his giant tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, someone fucked you. I mean, it looks a lot better than yours, cause yours actually had vice grips to clamp on your tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I just, I want to forget about it. I had to release it. Why not though? Because it was, it was disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes you were. I was, they don't like the wire brush. And this was a nice, soft rubber thing, and I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a great idea. It's better than using your hand and getting all the dirt and bugs on your hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, here's a couple more here, Ricky, that I was curious about. How to unmelt stuff. Fuck yeah. Yeah, why would you Google them that? Because two of my fucking cups, one of my plates, and a couple of my plastic kitties were melted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called ruining it, Ricky. You ruined the fucking thing. Right, but if it was made out of something that unmelted, once it was melted, it wouldn't get ruined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where to steal diamonds? Why in the fuck were you googling that? Cause I'm fucking sick of living like this, and I just, diamonds, I don't know if you know this, but they're one of the most valuable things in the fucking world. They're a girl's best friend. And they're hard. I wanted to make something out of them that's extra hard, that would last forever. They could make like car tires out of diamonds, that would be neat. Ricky, you know what fucking it would cost to make diamond tires?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There'd be a lot, but if you stole a shit ton of them, you could make all kinds of fucking stuff out of them. How teeth uncomfortable of a ride would it be? Imagine if you replaced all your teeth with diamonds. Nothing could fuck with them. It's one of the hardest things in the world. Clear diamond teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' cute. You look fuckin' cool. You wouldn't wanna go to sleep. You open up your mouth and just glisten. Someone would wanna fuckin' rob your mouth though, man. You wouldn't wanna go see the Who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it? I don't get it, man. They always had that big laser shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, I dunno, I always thought that I had pretty nice eyes and, and he comes along, right? So it's kinda like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because those are boring. I know why you're Googling that. I wanted to know why you're Googling these other things. Does the Queen smoke weed? Well, yeaah. That's a great question because we're going over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she turned 90, which is pretty cool. She made it that long. So I was gonna fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first I'd like to smoke a joint with her for Anani's birthday, but if she's not up for that, I could at least leave her a little something as a nice gift. It's a fucking queen, you're supposed to do nice things for her. She doesn't smoke weed. How do you know? She lived to be 90, she probably does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where were you last night, Ricky? I'll tell you where I was, assholes. Smoking fucking hash with the queen. Where were you? Out twiddling your cocks down the fucking corner. Trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by the tip of Julian's cock. No it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in Boston, Massachusetts, here in the park. Ricky, Ricky, wake up. I thought you were looking at something on the ground. You're asleep? Hmm? We're doing the broadcast. We're in Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this, so we're in the park here in Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the first thing I want to talk about. See over my shoulder there? See that big Christmas tree back there in the park here in Boston? Yes. Came from Nova Scotia. Really? They ship the fucking thing down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they wrap it up, you know, they put it through the tree holder and it sucks it in, you know, it's only about that big around probably. It's just like a big Christmas tree condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They roll it like a big weed joint. Basically roller tight. Why in the fuck are we giving the tree to Boston?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now's the time, this is the whole point of the podcast is to, you know, talk about shit, so.


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[Assistant] Hot molasses, Ricky, they keep it hot in the tax.


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[Assistant] Unless you really like the taste of molasses. But I mean, couldn't you see it coming? Like it's...


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[Assistant] It's not like it would be runnin' like a fuckin' river, molasses goes like this.


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[Assistant] No, it's not him. I fucking look like him though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first penis transplants in the US are set to be performed next year.


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[Assistant] Ricky, you don't get a fucking transplant of anything just for the hell of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And could you, would you have to stick with the same collar, or could you get a different collared one?


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[Assistant] I don't have pancake nipples, I got tiny little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, you wanna, I'm the one with the better facts. Will you guys get some more facts? I'm just gonna have a little... Listen to this one, Rick. You'll relate to this. The world's most expensive substance is set to retail for 200 million dollars a gram. A substance? What? Like a drug? No, it just says a substance.


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[Assistant] The structure's called endohedral fullerenes.


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[Assistant] Well, they just use like micrograms of it to put in.


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[Assistant] I'd like to be the guy that invented that fucking drug. Especially if you were selling kilos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Ricky, you'd never get your weed up to a fucking hundred million grand. No, that's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They call them shopping carriages here, but they're the same, general design.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I remember the night you did that too. That was fucked. It was, I mean, it was still.


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[Assistant] Has passed 200 days in orbit. I didn't even know the fat thing was up there. Hold the fuck on. It wasn't launched until next year. No, it's up there. 200 days it's been up there. A space plane? Is there anyone in it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a mini space shuttle and it's up there and they won't say what it's doing, but...


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[Assistant] Ricky, if anybody's going to space, it's gonna be me. I'm the one who's trained to be an astronaut.


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[Assistant] So that's your biggest worry that I wouldn't be able to see some tiny screws? On a faceplate? I think I could handle it, my friend. I built a centrifuge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fuckin' flew the hornet too. So did I. I know, but I did the fuckin' air shell routine.


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[Assistant] You think if we, you think Sam Malone and Woody are working at Cheers right now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, he's, you know, he's Ted Danson. He's on fucking Curb Your Enthusiasm. He's not Sam Malone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna go get drunk? I'd get drunk, I'd rather smoke my fuckin' lungs out. Okay, well. Guess we could do both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not number 20, is it? I think, isn't it? Okay, number 20. He's in the can. Number 20. Thanks for listening. Number 20. We'll see you next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got glasses with a big fucked up nose, Ricky. And he's gigantic and he's got blonde hair. And shit brown eyes.


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[Assistant] So your system of mnemonics would tell yourself that it had something to do with playing? What the fuck is mnemonics? Mnemonics, it's the system you use to remember things, like you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky, those aren't gonna be on a list of rude things to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You paid for the fucking... paid for it. Somebody did, I'm taking that the fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] North Korea or South Korea, big difference. North Korea, you drink whatever the fu- Kim Yong-Yin or Yangs want you to drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will crush a handful of chips on your computer unless you tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. We should get PornHub on here as a sponsor. Why don't we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just mean that's gonna be one of the- I didn't wanna say the other word for the ladies. So it's just dudes on the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy fuck. And you're the president. We definitely have to draw a picture then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm gonna use it Ricky, where the usin' goes on. Usin' it place.


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[Assistant] Chanel number five. Here, let's just see. Here, let her sign off. She's the president of one of the fan clubs. There she is. Right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was people waiting for the bus, and this guy walked up, he came around the corner and walked up to wait for the bus.


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[Assistant] Cause I know you, you know, you're not drinking anymore.


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[Assistant] And they hyphenated it as their last name. Like Jane Nearly Farley.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's get this fucking going, bubs. We can't just get it fucking going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the heck going on? I mean, I wanna fucking, my whole thing was to take this serious, make the best podcast that, you know, there's ever been. And every fucking time we go to do it, this is what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky's fucking passed out with a goddamn lampshade on his head. Wake him up. Rick. I tried to wake him up. Well let's just start a dinner. He's not gonna... Fuck Sting's pops. Ricky!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you settle the fuck down? What the fuck is going on? We're doing a podcast. What are you wearing? What are those? Jesus Christ. The fuck happened last night, boys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, first thing I want to get to, right there. Look at that. Leckermans. Old, dirty Canadian whiskey. That's one of our new sponsors right there, boys. And it's our whiskey. Look, there I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that, Julian, me, Ricky. Got our own liquor, so we're sponsoring ourselves. Now it's a fuckin' dirty, sassy liquor. Two, just available right now, only available in Newfoundland and Labrador.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leckermint, that's the contract we have, but I forgot. Is that a fucking cold beer?


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[Assistant] Oh, Bubbles, thank you. You fucker, may you just save me, my friend.


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[Assistant] We're just here, hanging out, freaking around. Well welcome to episode number 11, Ricky and Bubbles. When the fuck is our microphones gonna be back? They got delayed, they're still over in Europe.


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[Assistant] They got left behind, but I- Where? Located them and they're being shipped. What the fuck? Where? The microphones are in Helsinki right now.


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[Assistant] Remember we did the podcast? Yea, I remember Helsinki. Now that's fuckin' Europe. I did say Europe. Okay. Where do you figure Helsinki is, Ricky?


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[Assistant] Finlandia. Finlandia? Where do you figure that is? Any idea?


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[Assistant] Yes. He doesn't even know we were in Jesse's. So we're like Sunnyvale, Nova Scotia, Canada, then what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yes, Ricky, I was just saying how we got a new sponsor here. Oh yea? Lacrimates. Yea. That's one of the new ones, we still, you know. Oh, for fuck's sake.


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[Assistant] I started looking at these fucking pictures on the wall, and the more I looked at it, I'm going, hm, who the fuck is that?


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[Assistant] And she was staring at them as she, as you were putting the blog store. Rookie.


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[Assistant] She's pretending it's wackily banging her, not you banging her.


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[Assistant] For real. Probably wanna rather back. Huh? Exactly.


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[Assistant] Probably not all women from around the world. We definitely know that Lucy's fantasizing about him. As you're putting the plan. Oh, it must be nice to be so fucking great and cool and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said he was sexy. We were supposed to talk about, you know, him being a sponsor. We weren't really supposed to talk about how Lucy wants to fuckin' bang him. And how sexy Ricky thinks he is. I never said that. Okay, here's the idea. Send me a fuckin' burger that hangs on my wall.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I was like, fucking eat the shit out of that right now for breakfast. I'm fucking starving. Want a wall burger? Yep.


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[Assistant] Burger hanged on my wall. Marky Marky. Friendly bunch. Jesus Ricky. Ricky, you can't fuck up all the sponsors names. Wall Burger, it's not-


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[Assistant] Fucking burger man. Everyone knows what I'm fucking mean at this point. You know what? People now know how my brain works. They get it. No they don't. Scientists don't even know. Alright, so, I'm awake. Oh and I didn't tell you this, but we might, we might be able to get this guy sponsored.


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[Assistant] So, here we are. Breakfast Champions. These are good fucking chips, man.


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[Assistant] Okay, so look, I just put together some fun facts here that I thought we could talk about. Fuck me off. What, you don't wanna talk about fun facts? It depends on how fun they are. I was looking these up baked, Ricky. Tell me what you think of this. Just a sec, speaking of baked. Ricky.


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[Assistant] Why the fuck do I have a lamp shade on my ass? I don't know, do you have something we can, uh, fire up right now? Cause- As a matter of fact, I do. Looks like the joint roll before bed did not get ignited. Cause this, uh, this whole podcast thing is boring the fuck out of me right now. Ricky, you gotta stop smoking joints in bed. Alright, here, you gotta smoke that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't remember running around kicking fucking windows saying, I'm Lampy. Hey, I'm Lampy Lamp. No, no. That's what you were saying. Lamp Man, Lampy Lamp. You had about 15 different lamp names you were calling yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it rains, fire ants use their bodies to link up into a raft.


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[Assistant] And they float the queen in the larvae until the water retreats. Bullshit. I can see that happening.


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[Assistant] Multiply that by all the yards of the world. They live underground, most of them, man. They're just up on, up in the surface trying to get some food. Ricky, how could you count all the ants in your yard? Took a while, let me tell ya. Fuckin' ant joints and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I saw an ant after that with a little blue paint on it, I was like, I didn't have to count.


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[Assistant] I found out afterwards the paint killed most of them. It was oil paint. Jesus Christ Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate the- You wanna fuck some ants? No, just the fuck with the ants. Ants are nice. How are ants nice? Well they don't- they don't do anything. Do they eat mosquitoes? They don't- They might, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't. They could probably gang up on one. How would an ant eat a mosquito, Ricky? Some of them fly. I've seen them. Well, those aren't exactly ants. Those are piss ants. Piss ants? Piss ants are the flying ants with the wings. They're not called piss ants. They're fucking called piss ants. They're flying ants. Piss ants. Oh my god. Glad that I didn't smoke that before bed last night. It's uh, quite a little number. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a human skeleton was found in a couch.


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[Assistant] Six pounds? How do you know how much a skeleton weighs, Ricky? It's just a guess, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is six pounds, so now I'm starting to wonder. That's amazing. Oh, you know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's, uh, let's just keep going. What is this? There's a skeleton found in a, in a sofa? Somebody found a skeleton in a couch left on the side of the highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who? Jimmy Hoffa? That's what happened to him. Are you kidding me? There's no way it's Jimmy Hoffa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get it home, you open it up and boom. I can see like maybe a guinea pig or something, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Ricky lived on a firm, he would definitely be banging his picks. That's a weird thing to say. Oh, you're weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that time you ate a guinea pig record because you thought it was like a little bacon eater?


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[Assistant] Did you know he ate again, because you thought it would be like mini-baked? I thought it was a dementia pig, you know, all parrots would taste like a pig. No. Did you eat the whole thing? Not the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, it's fucking this ridiculous, Ricky. Why would you put the effort into taping it together? Practice is fucking pretty liquid and smoking this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2020 Olympics might have skateboarding and surfing, and they're talking about, you know, taking suggestions for other categories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how they deal with that. Yea, that's, that's a weird one. They probably build a wave pool, one of those surf pools. You know, where the water's shooting by and you just surf in one spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a lot more challenging if you're dealing with fucking sharks, killer whales, maybe even seals. Seals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more challenging to concentrate if you got a fucking great white nip at your heels. Yeah, that would suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I think they are gonna build a wave tank, otherwise how the fuck are they gonna have the Olympics anywhere other than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're not, you know, no chance they're gonna eat ya, what are they just gonna come lick ya? Gnaw on ya? Gum ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, just wait, no, I would like to address this, that was just brought up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to see that. That'd be pretty fucked up. I mean, if it was toothless, it'd be pretty funny. But really, really fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And highly unlikely, Rick. I like these fun facts. Let's move on. I think they're fun too. Oh yeah, this year's not a fun fact, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're gonna love it, Ricky. Listen to this. A too high Ohio man called 9-1-1 and was found among Doritos and Chips Ahoy cookies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's 22, he got too fucked up, couldn't feel his hands. Okay, I was gonna say I've been there, done that, but I was not fucked up. Couldn't feel his hands, called 911. Police came and found him covered in Doritos and Pepperidge firms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goldfish. That's a fucking strong indica. He hadn't eaten in a while and had fucked him. But didn't that happen to Randy? Back when he was like 13, 13, 14?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think, I think he was just pretending. He was looking for an excuse to say that he ate everything in the house. So he said he got too baked. I don't think he was even baked. Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is about Playboy, do you know what's happening there? Yeah, what the fuck, yeah. I'm not a big fan of that. What? Hugh Hefner said no more full nude ladies in Playboy anymore. He's shutting down the... What? That's it, man. It's all about the articles inside and shit. He's shutting down the beef shots. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I mean, I, I mean, have you guys ever read anything in, in those magazines? I haven't, really. It's just all- I've read all kinds of stuff, I'm a good reader. You weren't reading anything in Playboy, fuck off. Read most of the articles. Okay. Most of the articles in Playboy. They're lying. Like, of all time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You read hundreds of thousands of articles. I don't know how many it was, but I took a good stab at it. Are you thinking about the cartoons maybe? Those two, yea. Boys, when I go to jail I read a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't know much about any of that stuff. Oh, about the, uh, this one's for Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see that Tory candidate out west?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's talking about the, she's running for, you know, government, conservatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, fuck, it's no big deal. There's an oil spill. Oil comes from the earth, so it's just going back to where it came from. No big deal. It's a big oil spill. It's true. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It comes from the earth, Ricky, but it comes from, say that's the fucking earth right there, this Pringles can. Say there's the top crust where everybody lives, the oil's down here. Alright. So you're sucking it way up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then what happens? It's gonna go right back down to here eventually. Right where it began its life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same fucking principles, boys. When did fucking Billy Dixon dig a two kilometer deep well, Ricky? And how would he do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? This is the point where most people are like, fuck. Should I grab another beer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well yeah. It's just a, it's a dumb idea, man. It's one of the flaws with the, uh... Unless you crushed the bottom can, which you could probably... No, man, it's not gonna save at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you got chips when you get hungry. That's right. You know what, if they made the Pringles, would you open them down here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the chips come out like a little upside down pass, you know what I mean? Then you'd have your beer and your chips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way they'd do that, man. See, you know what we should do? Call up fucking Wackily, tell them we're coming to Dragon's Den.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is gonna make us a million dollars. I'm not, I'm not talking about that stupid idea, man. Beer holder chip dispenser. It's a good, people might try it, but it's fine. What would it be called, Ricky? Me and you are going 50-50 on this. Beer holder chip dispenser. What do you wanna call it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean like you have to fuckin' peel open? Yeah, you just have a little tab here and go pssst. And then the chips are ejected on a spring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I can, I think I can work with it. We gotta stop talking about this, we gotta end this. Okay, we're done. What do you mean we're done? I'm done, I don't wanna talk about Pringle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well some people can't see. We've only been talking for five fucking minutes. I just woke up five minutes ago. We've been, it's been a half hour. Bullshit. Julian, I don't think it's been that long. It's been a half hour man, I'm telling you. Alright, well I'm going to fuck back to bed then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what I mean. This would be a very special thing if we ended it with you singing. You're not gonna get me singing. I'm Lampy. Sing us a song, Lampy. No. Alright, we're done then. See you later. Wait, wait, just wait. We're not done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I meant about Pete Doherty, because you can see a photo, there's a shot out there called Snappy Snaps. I saw Pete Doherty in there. I imagine he knows someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the best thing that I've heard all day is that you've got two ghosts. What are they called? Paul and Stanley. Wow, but not Paul Stanley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I mean I know I've got a nice steeler if you want just to freeze that water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I've just spent way too much time on YouTube. I saw George Michael once at a party.


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[Assistant] Finger blasting, wow. Oh yea, because I heard, I don't know, but didn't Heath get in trouble in Canada, and I heard that it was somehow because Mick had been, as you so eloquently put it, finger blasting.


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[Assistant] Julie and the podcast is going. Oh well, let's get it going then.


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[Assistant] What happened? You were nappin'. But we gotta do the podcast.


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[Assistant] What? You took your fucking nap, but you've been napped 25 minutes.


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[Assistant] Alright, well we're gonna do the podcast we already started.


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[Assistant] You don't remember sitting here a fucking week ago and we went all over about what a podcast was.


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[Assistant] Remember this microphone in the bong you tried to smoke the fucking thing?


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[Assistant] Okay. You don't even know what this is, do ya? Nope. He doesn't even know what a podcast is. We've already done a full one.


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[Assistant] We're on the air right now, Ricky. People all over the world can hear us.


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[Assistant] Yes, you did, that was part of the fucking thing. Bone Shaker Beer and they got another one here, Big Wheel. Look at that. Big Wheel.


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[Assistant] You know what we could be doing? We could be doing actual commercials for some of these.


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[Assistant] You know, like think about this one. Big wheel. Right? Like that could be like a... I could be like a trucker. Big fucking truck pulls up.


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[Assistant] Hi there, welcome to the Trailer Park Boys official podcast. I'm your host, Bubbles.


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[Assistant] I'm the fucking host, you guys are my sidekicks. We're the co-hosts.


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[Assistant] Hi there, welcome to Trailer Park Boys.


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[Assistant] Podcast, I'm your host Bubbles, this is my co-host. Who's also a host, host number one. June Hannon, co-host, Ricky. Alright, let's get right into the action.


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[Assistant] Okay, let's, we're supposed to talk about some current events.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you didn't see what's going on, Bill Cosby. All these ladies came forward and said he was fucking, you know.


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[Assistant] There's no fucking way 48 people are fucking got together to make up a fib.


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[Assistant] Yea, I reckon that was in the 70s. You don't know what's going on with them now?


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[Assistant] Well, he could be, but if he does, he's gonna be in the women's 100 meter dash.


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[Assistant] You don't know about this, Bruce Jenner. You know, the Olympic guy you're talking about.


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[Assistant] Well, he takes the, you know, I think they give him the injections to give him the boobs, don't they?


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[Assistant] They turn it into like a whistle dog. They tie her up like a, like a, like a blonde. Wow. And they empty her out.


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[Assistant] They do that with your wiener, they dump out the insides, and they tuck her up inside there, sew her together, make a little... thing.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's... I saw a show on it.


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[Assistant] Well, I locked it up because I felt like you were eventually gonna say you wanted to have it done, so...


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[Assistant] Oh, I wouldn't describe it like that. It sounds like your bird's, you know, trying to get into a bowl of pudding or something to have a snack.


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[Assistant] We could. I think we're not thinking outside the box enough here for the kind of sponsors we could get.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we could say, we're just about to fly. For free. Somewhere on air. Somewhere. Insert your fucking airline here. Give us free tickets. Still didn't get my fucking horse. Don't start talking about the horse. Nobody's trying to get a fucking horse. What's the


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[Assistant] Best thing you could be given, Ricky. Like if somebody said, here Ricky, and went like that to you, what would you like to see in their hand? Best thing in the world. Besides cash and a horse? Yes, besides cash and a horse.


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[Assistant] Something somebody could deliver in here, not- Someone like God or someone who just go-


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[Assistant] If you're getting a package in the mail, Ricky, what would you love it to be?


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[Assistant] We're not gonna get sponsored by fuckin' McDonald Douglas or somebody.


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[Assistant] Like I mean, Ricky, what if a guy came with a huge box of all the latest video games?


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[Assistant] One of those video game companies could, we could be sponsored by them.


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[Assistant] We could be sitting in the living room playing fucking video games right now. Okay. Okay. See what I'm saying? So think like that.


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[Assistant] Headlines here. Oh yea, you know about the fuckin' new planet? NASA found?


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[Assistant] With the Kapler telescope, the Kapler 452b. You know what that is?


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[Assistant] They have a, they have a new telescope, Ricky, called the Kepler telescope, you know. So they've just fired the fucking thing up. I mean, not just fired it up, but they're using her, you know. And they found a new planet that they're saying is almost like Earth. Fuck off.


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[Assistant] And it's in our galaxy, it's in the Milky Way. Kapler 452b they called it.


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[Assistant] No Ricky, you can't go there, it's not.


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[Assistant] Possibly has water on it, which is the main thing you need if you got a planet. Right. And it's, you know, it's like the same, I guess, temperature. It's bigger, but it's like same temperature and people could possibly be living on there. Or life could, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, that's a long ways off. It's not gonna happen for a long time. It's light years away, Ricky, so you couldn't just go there.


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[Assistant] Ricky, space, there's no air in space. There's no water. I'm kidding, there's no air. It's not water though, it's just, uh, like...


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[Assistant] Well, you float in water Ricky, but you can float in the air too, which is what they're doing. Well, not really because there's no air there. You're getting me all fucked up. You float in space because it's a vacuum. There's no fucking oxygen. There's no gravity. There's no anything. It's just an empty void. And there's no water.


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[Assistant] I have a fuckin' drink at the space station. The Soyuz just docked with the fuckin' thing yesterday. The what? How does that all work anyway? The Soyuz rocket, Ricky. The...


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[Assistant] You know, they launch it out of Kazakhstan, it goes up into space, it docks with the space station. People go in, they hang out there for a few months.


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[Assistant] Ricky, there is one. There's, it's a... It's not a hoax.


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[Assistant] Ricky, that's not gonna, they're not gonna use that for a slogan.


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[Assistant] Ricky, it's just a TV show now, you can't believe.


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[Assistant] Dog the bounty hunter. He's not afraid of anybody.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I didn't put that there. It's some kind of a... Were you using that? I wasn't using that.


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[Assistant] Boy, some people are only listening to this. They can't see the digital lady.


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[Assistant] For those at home listening to this without a picture, Ricky is now holding the picture up to his microphone.


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[Assistant] He misjudged one. He said he farts a lot on stage and he misjudged one. And you know what happened?


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[Assistant] That's, people do believe that's news, though they feel it necessary to talk about that. I mean, how many times have you pissed yourself and you've never made it onto E! Online?


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[Assistant] So you piss yourself in the car, so the car that I ride in the back seat of is saturated in piss.


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[Assistant] I mean you gotta do something about it, you gotta clean it or whatever. Depends if you sleep on your


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[Assistant] Meaning you pissed all over your own stomach and chest?


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[Assistant] For passing himself in the car, like if he's on his back and he's got on...


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[Assistant] Underwear and pants and a shirt, that's a deciding file. Oh yeaah, you know what?


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[Assistant] I think I got enough on here to absorb her, I'm just gonna fuck the piss right here. And then sleepin' in your piss.


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[Assistant] You guys can keep going on. I have pissed myself, I'll admit it. Maybe, you know, six, seven times since I've been, you know, older.


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[Assistant] It says The Rock is looking for a weightlifting partner. He's looking for somebody.


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[Assistant] Alright, well thanks for listening to the Trailer Park Boys Podcast, the official one. Ricky, why don't you go in on the couch?


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[Assistant] Why wouldn't you take the ten steps to a nice comfy couch with a pillow? Bubs, for those of you at home who can't see this, Ricky has curled up on the kitchen table and is using a chip bowl.


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[Assistant] People often claim that their love could move mountains, but for one Indian man in the late 1950s, he meant that literally.


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[Assistant] In 1959, Dashrath Manjhi's beloved wife Falguni Devi suffered a fall. She'd been attempting to cross a dangerous cliffside when she slipped, leaving her grievously injured. And she might have survived, if that same mountain weren't blocking the only route to the nearest hospital.


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[Assistant] Tragically, she passed away, leaving Dashrath Manji alone.


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[Assistant] It's safe to say that some people might have given in to sorrow after that. But not Manji. No, he refused to let what happened to his wife happen to anyone else ever again. And so, armed with only a hammer and a chisel, he began to dig.


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[Assistant] By the time he was done, he had shortened what had once been a 35-mile journey between his town and that of the hospital to less than 10.


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[Assistant] For his service, he was given the affectionate moniker, The Mountain Man. And in 2016, India's postal service even put his face on a stamp.


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[Assistant] If anything, Manji is proof that love defies boundaries. It can transcend borders and backgrounds, class and faith, and yes, even cut through solid stone. There are countless stories of people loving each other from opposite sides of a war, or across wide, hungry oceans.


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[Assistant] And sometimes, love can even crack through the greatest boundary of all, the one between life and death.


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[Assistant] And it's a powerful sentiment to dedicate your life to another person so fully that only death itself could separate you.


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[Assistant] But the thing is, marriage isn't always stopped by death. In fact, sometimes being dead is an essential part of the deal.


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[Assistant] Take, for example, the Chinese ghost marriage, also known as spirit marriage or ming heng. The practice is a good 3 or 4 thousand years old, and honestly looks a lot like a regular marriage, except for a small difference. One or more of the wedded parties is, well, deceased.


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[Assistant] Why exactly would someone marry a corpse? Or, as it sometimes goes, marry two corpses to each other? Well, it depends on the religion and the situation.


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[Assistant] For one, there's a stigma around having an unwed daughter. So if your daughter dies before being married, you can set her up with a nice dead boy and avoid embarrassment. In mainland China, this is the most common form of a ghost marriage, and essentially just involves burying the bodies of two unmarried people together.


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[Assistant] In other locations though, things get a little more... haunted.


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[Assistant] In Taiwan, it's not uncommon for a dead woman to show up in her mother's dreams and demand a husband.


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[Assistant] A still living husband, mind you, which the parents must provide. In Singapore and Hong Kong, for example, a ghost marriage can prevent a deceased son or daughter from growing angry about their perpetual singledom and then taking revenge from beyond the grave.


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[Assistant] It's practical too. Ghost marriages allow families to acquire a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law, even though their own child has passed on. And it also, like any regular marriage, cements bonds between two families and allows a younger brother, required to wait until the eldest has married, to then go on and take a wife if the eldest dies unwed.


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[Assistant] And then there's the tradition of Japanese doll marriages. This actually rose to popularity pretty recently, in the 1930s, during the 15 Years War.


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[Assistant] More and more Japanese men were dying on the battlefield, often before having the chance to marry. And so their families, particularly around the Tsugaru Peninsula, came up with a solution to try and give their sons peace in the afterlife, and placate any pesky ghosts.


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[Assistant] Instead of marrying a dead relative off to a living person, or another corpse, they would be married to a doll.


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[Assistant] But not just any doll, this would be a figurine believed to hold the spirit of a Bodhisattva named Jizo, who would provide compassionate partnership to the deceased. Oh, and after the wedding, something strange is said to happen to this doll. As time passes, its face will slowly morph to look exactly like the dead spouse.


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[Assistant] It's tempting to feel a knee-jerk shiver down the spine at the thought of holding a wedding ceremony over a corpse. But given their cultural and legal context, these rituals honestly make a lot of sense. And it makes sense too that when there's a demand for something, hustlers will find a way to commodify it.


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[Assistant] You see, those Japanese dolls, well, they've become a booming industry. The figurines are mass-produced in factories and can go for as high as 40,000 yen apiece, or roughly $2,600 in American currency.


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[Assistant] And that's the least of it. Chinese ghost marriages ended up leading to a bit of a body snatching problem. In fact, legislation had to be put in place to keep people from stealing girls out of their graves to sell off as ghost brides. Which, unfortunately, is still an issue today. Between 2013 and 2016,


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[Assistant] 27 girls' bodies were reportedly stolen from their graves in just one small town in Shaoxi province, with many more vanishing across the country. And disturbingly enough, if you peek at the news from as recently as 2017, you'll find murder cases in which women were killed so that their corpses could be sold as ghost brides.


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[Assistant] Now, before you go and think that we here in America are exempt from this unsettling racket, well, let me tell you how wrong you might be.


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[Assistant] Take the story of Lizzie and Mary Bangs, two Victorian-era spiritualists from Chicago. As a publicity stunt, they hosted a wedding between a wealthy widow and her lover, a captain in the army. And it's also worth mentioning that this handsome captain was, you guessed it,


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[Assistant] Now, when I say hosted a wedding, I mean all the bells and whistles. White gown, flowers, an ordained minister, you know, the, the works. And of course, it wouldn't be complete without a ring.


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[Assistant] When the time came for the gold band to be placed on the bride's finger, the Bangs sisters manifested the dead captain, who conveniently stepped out of a cupboard in full uniform. He placed the ring on his beloved's finger, and the two were wed, sealed with a kiss.


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[Assistant] Weddings are supposed to be days of joy. They're all about celebrating love, after all. And what could be more joyful than that? So when things go wrong and tragedy strikes, well, that contrast makes the sting all the more painful.


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[Assistant] I'm sure you've heard variations of this story. A bride who, on what should be the happiest day of her life, meets an untimely death.


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[Assistant] Sometimes she dies right before her wedding, sometimes soon after, but it always ends the same, with a forlorn woman haunting the daylights out of the living, still wearing her wedding dress, of course, a very literal thinning of the veil, so to speak.


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[Assistant] There's a churchyard bride of Ireland, for example, who leads all who see her to their death, and the ghost bride of Vallecito, who died while traveling to meet her lover during the gold rush, and now rides through the nights on a headless horse. And let's not forget about the ghost bride at the Chute de la Donblanche in Quebec.


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[Assistant] After her fiance died in the battle of Boport, flung herself off a waterfall. Hey, what can I say? You really can't keep a good ghost bride down.


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[Assistant] There might be no better example of this trope, however, than the White Lady of Kinsale, also known as the Bride of Charles Fort.


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[Assistant] Charles Fort is about a mile and a half from the town of Kinsale, Ireland, and it's a huge star-shaped military stronghold built way back in 1682.


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[Assistant] According to the legends, one of the fort's early commanders had a daughter, and this daughter fell in love with a guy named Sir Trevor.


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[Assistant] On the evening of her wedding, she and her young groom walked arm-in-arm on the fort's ramparts, enjoying the night air and dreaming of the life ahead of them. While walking, the bride peered over the walls and saw a flash of white on the grounds below. Leaning to look closer, she realized what it was. A rose.


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[Assistant] A nearby sentry offered to climb down the ramparts to fetch the rose for her, so long as her new husband agreed to stand in his place for a bit. Which I imagine seemed like a pretty good deal for the groom. It was way easier to stand around than to scramble down a wall, right?


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[Assistant] And so the groom put on the sentry's jacket and took up his post, as the sentry himself started the long descent to the ground. But the guy was taking forever, so the bride went back to her chambers while Sir Trevor dutifully waited for the sentry to finish his job.


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[Assistant] He waited and waited and waited some more until eventually Sir Trevor fell asleep, which is when the bride's father came upon him and, mistaking his disguised son-in-law for a slacking soldier, shot him then and there. Seems like a harsh punishment for a little nap, but hey, this was a different era.


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[Assistant] By the time the commander realized his mistake though, it was too late. The groom was dead. Talk about a shotgun wedding, right?


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[Assistant] Suffice to say the bride, well, she didn't take it too well. When she heard what had befallen her new husband, she threw herself off the ramparts. They say that she was still wearing her wedding gown when she jumped. Her father, overcome by guilt, soon followed suit.


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[Assistant] Now look, there are no actual names or dates on record to link all of this with any actual history. But that hasn't kept the ghost stories from spreading.


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[Assistant] For example, one major during the Peninsula War reported following a woman in an old-fashioned white dress up the fort stairs. Before she vanished, that is. Later, a nursemaid watched in terror as a lady in white glided to her sleeping ward's bed. The spirit stroked the child's wrist, who cried out from the cold touch.


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[Assistant] And then in 1880, a lieutenant and a captain were walking through the fort and both spotted, that's right, a woman in white. She passed through a closed door right in front of their eyes.


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[Assistant] And the sightings haven't slowed down yet. A recent hotel manager spotted the doomed bride out on New Year's Eve. A runner stopping to fix his shoe against the side of the fort felt something grab his hand. Multiple officers have even reported an invisible force shoving them down the stairs.


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[Assistant] But don't take my word for it. Go find out for yourself. Charles Fort is still a popular tourist destination. There are tea rooms, daily tours, and you can even rent it out for weddings.


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[Assistant] It must have been a hard place to grow up. Nantes-Gothurn is a windswept and secluded valley that sits on a peninsula in Wales, jutting into the Irish Channel. Today, the nearest bus stop is a town away, and the closest train station even farther. And back in the 18th century, well, let's just say that there wasn't much of a nightlife.


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[Assistant] In fact, as of around 1770, we know that there were only three farms in the whole valley. And if the stories are to be believed, the residents of those farms would become the stuff of legend.


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[Assistant] According to a local folktale, two of these farms stood on opposite sides of a ravine. In one lived a young man named Reese and his two sisters. In the other lived their uncle and his daughter, a beautiful young woman named Maynere.


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[Assistant] Reese's sisters were sickly and so he and Maynere spent most of their childhoods together, just the two of them.


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[Assistant] It must have been hard to get away and feel independent in a place so small. But Reese and Maynere found a spot that could be theirs and theirs alone. It was a huge old oak tree, growing at the foot of a nearby mountain. There, they could watch the sheep graze, listen to the wind howl, and just be together.


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[Assistant] The years went on, and slowly that friendship turned to love. And luckily too, because the dating pool hadn't left them with many options.


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[Assistant] They decided to marry and set a wedding date for a warm weekend in June. When the day came, friends and family from far away were glad to make the trip to Little Notgotherne with plenty of food and gifts in tow. And when they arrived, it was time for the traditional Welsh wedding quest.


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[Assistant] Here's how it works. The groom and his friends would come to the bride's family home the morning of the wedding, and the bride would make a break for it. Then the groom's male friends would try to chase her down, pursue her into the hills, until they captured her and carried her to the chapel.


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[Assistant] It was meant to be a light-hearted way to get everyone laughing. And if we ignore the metaphorical implications of forcibly abducting a woman to become a bride, I'm sure it was a fun time leaving everyone in high spirits, the couple included.


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[Assistant] At least, that is how it's supposed to go. On the morning of Maynere's wedding, the men from the village came for her. Playing along with the festivities, she ran and they let her escape.


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[Assistant] First, she hid in the hay bales, but they found her pretty quickly. Being good sports, they gave her a second chance, and so with a bright smile, she darted off once again, this time vanishing into the wilds of the valley.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, back at the church, the wedding festivities were in full swing. The Welsh loved a wedding, even if it was for the weird hermit couple who lived at the edge of the island. The groom and his guests played music, joked, danced, and adorned themselves with wildflowers as they waited for the groomsmen and made near to arrive.


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[Assistant] But hours went by and still no bride. People were starting to get antsy and what had been a lively afternoon soured into an anxious evening. Soon the same question was on everyone's lips. Where on earth was the bride?


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[Assistant] Her poor groom hadn't stopped watching the path, expecting his love to appear at any moment. But as the day wore on, Reece grew more and more worried.


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[Assistant] So, when at last his friends returned empty handed, his worst fear was confirmed. Maynir was officially missing. What had started as a wedding party became a search party, continuing all through the night. But the bride was never found.


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[Assistant] According to the legend, Rhys went mad with grief. He wandered the hills like a wild man, not caring if he slept or bathed, just endlessly searching for his lost bride.


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[Assistant] Years passed, and all the while, he never stopped looking.


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[Assistant] And every so often, he would visit their oak tree, the one where he and Maynere had first fallen in love.


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[Assistant] Well, one day a storm rose up and Reese took shelter under that tree. And sure enough, as the grieving man huddled below its branches, a bolt of lightning struck, splitting the oak right down the center. And when it did, something fell out of the hollow trunk. A skeleton.


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[Assistant] With horror, Reese realized what had happened. His bride-to-be must have climbed into an opening in the trunk to hide from the wedding party and then became stuck. Trapped, hungry, and terrified, she had died there. The very place where their love was born had also become her tomb.


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[Assistant] Some versions of this story say that Rhys, overcome with grief, died right there in the rain, his sweetheart's skeleton cradled in his arms. And it's said that to this day, no birds will land on that oak tree's branches.


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[Assistant] If you're like me, you're wondering how much of this story is true. Yes, it's a fact that there were only three families in the area back in the 18th century. But what about the couple? And more importantly, what about the tree?


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[Assistant] Well, there's no proven tree with a skeleton inside, but the town has designated a symbolic tree where visitors can pay their respects to the doomed sweethearts. And the story is a big deal in that town. They even hosted a race named after the story, called the Rhys and Maynere race.


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[Assistant] But others have seen a couple walking hand in hand on the beach. One figure is said to have long hair and a wild beard, while the other has empty eye sockets in her skeletal face. But if those reports are true, it also means that this tale actually has a happy ending.


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[Assistant] The couple may not have had much time together while they were alive, but in death, their love is eternal.


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[Assistant] It's simple math. The average human spends about 29,000 days on this planet. And while most of those days are just spent, well, living, there are some that stand out more than others. The day you're born. The day you have your first kiss or get your first job. Or your kid is born. The day you get married.


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[Assistant] We remember them because they're days that represent beginnings, the start of something bigger. At least they should. And so if one of those special days ends up being your last, it almost feels like a betrayal, potential snuffed out like a flame.


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[Assistant] When I first heard the Reese and Maynard story, it felt oddly familiar. And sure, I could chalk that up to the fact that you can't seem to throw a rock without hitting a ghost bride, thanks to how common these stories are. But this one felt specific. And then I realized why. There's an urban legend I grew up hearing that has almost the exact same plot.


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[Assistant] Replace the game of The Wedding Quest with Modern Hide and Seek, and things start to look a lot more recognizable.


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[Assistant] Here, let me jog your memory. A wedding party gathers in a big house and decides to play a game of hide and seek. The bride runs off to hide and the groom starts to look for her. But no matter where he searches, he can't find his new wife anywhere. And neither can anyone else.


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[Assistant] If there were a hide and seek Olympics, this woman would get the gold medal because she was never seen again.


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[Assistant] As the legend goes, 50 years pass when new residents in that house make a morbid discovery. Cracking open an old oak chest, long forgotten in the attic, they find a skeleton wearing a wedding dress.


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[Assistant] That's right. The bride, it turns out, had been snug in her hiding place all along. She had climbed into the trunk only to gasp in horror when the lid snapped shut, trapping her inside.


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[Assistant] The first written version of this story appeared in an 1822 poem called Generva, but it likely stretches back a lot farther.


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[Assistant] And of course, it is hard not to notice the similarities between this and the story of poor Maynere. The festive hiding game on the wedding day, the missing bride, the eventual reveal of a skeleton, still draped in its wedding finery.


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[Assistant] Wedding ceremonies are sweet, but do you know what's even sweeter? Wedding cake. But it turns out there's more to this frosted confection than meets the eye, as one more story we've tracked down will show us. Stick around through this brief sponsor break to hear all about it.


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[Assistant] The year was 1863, and the Civil War was only halfway over. The United States had been reduced to a bloody battleground, and morale was low. In short, the people needed something to cheer them up. And on February 10th, they received just that. A huge wedding.


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[Assistant] Rather, should I say, a very small wedding. You see, this was the day that Lavinia Warren married Charles Stretton. Or, as you might know him, General Tom Thumb.


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[Assistant] Standing at only 35 inches tall, Stratton was one of the most famous stars of the time, performing with the Barnum and Bailey Circus. His bride, Lavinia, was of similar stature and performed as his co-star.


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[Assistant] Their New York wedding was extravagant. In fact, Barnum and Bailey sold 5,000 tickets to the event. But while that shindig is a century and a half in the past now, a little something of it remains. That is, the cake.


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[Assistant] Today, both the Library of Congress and the Barnum Museum have small slices of Charles and Lavinia's actual wedding cake, preserved for the past 150 years.


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[Assistant] And weirdly, this is not the only wedding cake squirreled away by the US federal government. They also saved a slice from President Eisenhower's wedding cake from July of 1916. And it doesn't end there.


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[Assistant] At the Grover Cleveland Birthplace Museum in Caldwell, New Jersey, you can find a 130-year-old slice of President Cleveland's wedding cake, albeit with one corner missing. According to the story, a visiting Cub Scout back in the 1950s let his cravings get the better of him, and he snuck a single forbidden bite.


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[Assistant] The butter pulled out of bogs? I get it. A preserved cake can keep some of the wedding magic alive long after the wedding itself is dead and gone.


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[Assistant] The cake is the centerpiece of the event after all. Sharing that tall layered confection has become one of the most beloved and delicious wedding traditions that we have.


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[Assistant] But most of us are too busy licking the plate to stop and wonder where the whole idea came from. Well, it turns out wedding cakes have been a part of Western weddings since antiquity. It probably started in ancient Greece, moving quickly to Rome.


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[Assistant] Now, Roman weddings were closed out by breaking a wheat or barley cake over the bride's head for good luck and fertility. The bride and groom would then eat the cake together, and the guests would gather any leftover crumbs for their own good fortune.


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[Assistant] And before you give the whole crumbs-in-the-air thing a side-eye, it's worth noting that many still practice a version of this today, when newlyweds smash a fistful of cake into each other's faces.


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[Assistant] Now, in medieval England, they had a slightly different ceremonial snack. This one involved stacking spiced buns into as high a tower as possible. And if the bride and groom could kiss over the pile, they would be blessed with good luck.


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[Assistant] By the 1600s, though, the buns had been replaced with what was called a bride's pie. But this wasn't your grandma's apple pie. No, the filling included things like mutton, oysters, pine kernels, and, uh, sheep's testicles.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can take a moment to digest that if you need to.


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[Assistant] The same 1685 recipe that called for these delightful ingredients also included a compartment in the pie for live birds or even a snake. This was naturally to give the guests a fun surprise as they sliced the pie open.


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[Assistant] Girls jumping out of cakes? That's boring. Live snakes flying out of a pastry crust? Now that is a party.


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[Assistant] During the 17th century, English bride's pies gradually turned into cakes. Two cakes, to be exact. One groom's cake and one bride's cake.


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[Assistant] The groom's cake was usually a dark fruit cake that could be cut into squares for the wedding guest to take home.


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[Assistant] But not to eat, mind you. No guests would place the cake under their pillows. It was believed that if a bridesmaid slept with a slice beneath her head, she would dream that night of her own future husband. Luckily for the abused bedsheets of England, though, this eventually fell out of fashion.


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[Assistant] Brides' cakes, unlike groom's cakes, were covered in icing. Usually a white icing. But the color had nothing to do with purity. In fact, the idea of white representing purity wasn't really established until the Victorian era.


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[Assistant] No, in the 1600s, the white frosting meant one thing and one thing only. Money.


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[Assistant] To achieve that pearly hue, the icing would have to be made from the most expensive sugar on the market. So the whiter the bridal cake, the more of a status symbol that cake became. Oh, and that icing? It was rock hard, by the way. Brides had to be equipped with a special saw just to hack off a piece.


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[Assistant] Status symbol or no, the cakes were pretty simple. Up until the 19th century, wedding cakes were usually a single layer fruitcake covered in almond paste and encrusted in that white sugar icing.


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[Assistant] But then came Queen Victoria, and one thing she was not was simple. Victoria and Prince Albert's ornate 1840 wedding cake set the stage for the elaborate modern wedding cakes we see today.


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[Assistant] It was still only one layer of a plum cake, but it was gigantic. I'm talking a circumference of 10 feet and weighing 300 pounds.


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[Assistant] The cake was decorated with sculptures of the newlyweds dressed in traditional Roman garb, plus one of Victoria's beloved dogs, turtle doves, cupids, and more. All in shimmering white. If a baked good could be a celebrity, well this one really takes the cake.


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[Assistant] For a week leading up to the wedding a portrait of the pastry hung in every print shop window in London.


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[Assistant] The cake was so famous that the middle class started playing royal cake copycat, serving their own white icing-covered sculpture-laden creations. In fact, that's where the term royal icing comes from.


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[Assistant] But it was 42 years later at Prince Leopold's nuptials that the last few ingredients were tossed into the batter, finalizing this style that we know today.


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[Assistant] This, you see, was the first wedding cake to fight gravity by having multiple edible tears. The classic towering wedding cake with all its sugary adornments and cake toppers was officially born.