[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just Joe Goldberg is like, well then obviously it's in the same category if I Google image her photo so I figure out where she lives. And obviously it's not a huge leap. It's just, I'm just making sure if I call in a gas leak so I can get into her apartment. I mean there's a point where he crosses a line. But where he starts I think is not different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, some of which happens at a retreat weekend worthy of Goop. Goop? Like Gwyneth Paltrow? Gwyneth Paltrow's website, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, because, it's a weird place to start with. It's so exciting, I love it. It's because we're in LA in Season 2. Got you. Because of the events, I don't want to totally spoil everything, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Binge it, enjoy it, and then know what I mean when I say shit happens to him at the end that encourages him to leave town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and try and kind of start over. And so he goes to Los Angeles, which is the last place in the world a dyed-in-the-wool New Yorker like Joe would want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we get to see LA through his eyes. I love it. An interesting thing in the, for the writers is that if we really write LA people as they are, it's actually too broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it backfires on us because it doesn't seem realistic at all. Really? They're reaching for the joke. We tone down the people at Whole Foods. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just funny enough, right? We wanna, you know, have fun with but not make fun of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the tenor of the culture is a little different here than in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, but people are also essentially the same everywhere. That's true. And Joe has that sort of x-ray vision where he can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without giving away too much, I will say that his role is quite intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, he brought all of his chops for this, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have a date? We don't have it yet. An air date, a streaming date yet, uhm, but I'm hoping that it is soonish. I don't know. I really don't know. Probably uhm, towards the end of the year. Okay. We're still making it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such an interesting thing to talk about when it's done, but while you're making it, it doesn't really help to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll show you right now and you can just broad- no, I'm kidding. Uh, I mean we get into all of it and it's so interesting to have him sit across from a woman who insists that she knows the real, real him in a way that, um, makes him uncomfortable to hear. And then that's just the beginning of the fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do try to ground all of the- it's not just crazy soap opera, everybody slaps everybody in the face all the time, right? We do ground this stuff in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, their honeymoon period. Oh, then it's where it gets a little suffocated. Oh, here's where, you know, she's not sure she wants to pick him or you have bad sex and or you break up and then what are you doing when you're broken up? And so that character of Karen Minty is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We tried to make it work. Maybe we're essentially bad for each other, me and Beck. So let me try to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was happy that she walked away alive. She doesn't know she dodged a bullet. For now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's sort of like, I love it, I love those moments. I thought about it a lot when I was watching Breaking Bad actually. There are these moments that the writers wrote for this character where he could have made another choice and just stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, in a storage facility somewhere, where he just could have been like, I think I'm done. Right. Now. And there were, there are actually many moments like that and good storytelling about bad people like Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we build those in where it's like if you just stayed with Karen or maybe didn't start sleeping with back again, then things could go differently, but he's swept up as you know, people get swept up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime I see someone young in the entertainment business at all, I have such a strong instant feeling of protectiveness. Oh my god. The, uhm, the world now, for the very stuff we're exploring on the show, the social media of the world now, it's uhm, there's such a direct line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you can just express your instant knee-jerk rage and fury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just state, you can just, I think we have lost touch a little bit with that we are all human beings who should be, uh, fundamentally kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make our entertainment about it, but when I see someone like her who's just this immense talent and she's such a bright light, like she's so sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like, oh, she gave an opinion on the internet. That's not gonna go well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an, I don't know, I mean, we're talking about it, we're talking about it because, you know, Millie Bobby Brown did a little Instagram story, but uhm, I have to say this because I'm an essential bummer of a person, which is that it is also to blame for our entire political climate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, in essence, it's, and so therefore you can extrapolate that our relationship with social media is directly responsible for a lot of what's happening with climate change. You know, it's like, you can look down the line to when there's nothing left but white walkers on earth and go, oh it's from Twitter. And I'm on Twitter. Of course. You know? I just contemplated a lot in the course of making this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I mean I hope that because that's the way it is now and because so many 16 year olds are now just acting the fool and that it just sort of all cancels itself out over time. Like there will be a point in time where there is no presidential candidate that doesn't have a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean what you're talking about I think is the best case scenario that what it does is equalize and, uhm, limit our ability to shame each other. What I see so far is that I'm witnessing shaming culture just get stronger and stronger. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like, you know, if you're a person who has any kind of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in some people there's this sort of like little animating force where they have to kind of do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like make sure that you're not, you know, are you handling that responsibly? It might even come from a good place or it might just be what's ever going on with them, but I don't see less shaming than last year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Personally? Yeah. You're kidding. Yeah. I mean, not as, certainly I have witnessed it in people that I know and people that I don't know in a much huger level. Uhm, but yeah, of course. I mean, my social media is public and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I feel this, this, uh, little responsibility inside me, you know? Like, I don't think I make a very good, I don't think anybody is gonna elect me role model of anything in particular, but I know, because I go to places like Comic Con,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Young women will come up, teenage girls, young women will come up to me and be like, I want to do what you do, right? So I do feel this need to just sort of stand strong in moments like that and be like, people are entitled to their opinions and their feelings and they are in 2019 entitled to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To uhm, you know, you get to go on Twitter and say whatever the fuck you want. For sure. You know? And it doesn't mean that you will be greeted with the same...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that a thing, whenever there's not quite enough, you know, cause there's not enough, what you're saying is there's not enough women in comedy. Which I agree. At a certain level, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the load for many more people wanting to be represented than you really should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'd be great. A thousand percent more than it wouldn't, you know. There will be. It wouldn't fall to you to be every blonde lady on earth. Every blonde white lady. Yeah. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was much younger and it was a different era of the internet. It was more of a message board era. But uhm, they said to me, what if you as an experiment took in everything and tried to see it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it was true, like if some part of it was true, they're calling you a cunt. Can any part of you feel that you were a cunt? You know? And I was like, that is ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's really mean. No part of me is the villain of this story, whatever. But over the years, I never forgot that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, glib, heartless, a bad writer, meh, not what, not, wrong and not what we discussed, right? I can, I can find that, I can find all of it inside of me, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't know, I, you know, that mechanism of like tensing up against it and going uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true and you're being mean and fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but there's a freedom in going like, I don't, I'm not holding this, um, this, uh, strong, uh, attachment to being perfect. Do you know what I mean? Like, um, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uhm, part of my job being a showrunner on a show is to, uhm, encourage and foster each person to just, like, bring their A game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, for me to say to them, it's okay if you fail, it's okay if you pitch a bad idea, it's okay if we make the episode and it didn't turn out exactly the way that we wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't do that and also be bracing myself against every fucking criticism. Right? So uhm, you know, so that's what I do. I just go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like fantasy stuff? Of course. Uhm, it's a fantasy stuff. It's a, it's, you know, the like elevator pitch is that it's, uh, Harry Potter for grown-ups. That's how we, when we first were telling people about it, it's based again on these beautiful best-selling novels by Lev Grossman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he starts to find his people. He also discovers that a very adult version of Narnia is real and he and his friends eventually go far beyond this magical school and into these magical worlds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The plot points can be crazy. And on the magicians it might be that like, that person is a dude who likes to bake biscuits, also is a werewolf on the full moon, and then in this episode gets turned into a fish. Like that could happen. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the true heart and spirit of the show is the emotional inner lives of this group of interconnected people. Some of them are best friends or lovers and some of them kind of hate each other and keep getting thrown together to save the world. But it's about kind of becoming an adult and facing very adult things. And you're seeing like cool men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like part of the mark of any close relationship is that you have spent enough time together that inevitably at some point you fart in front of each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you make it that after your misunderstood first wife is murdered,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you meet someone new and you're happily ever after with them, then the story's over. So what you actually have to do is make it real fucked up in the second relate. Like, so you might as well probably not kill the first one and just work it out with her. Great, so we'll- You have to keep having some kind of drama. Wait a minute. So there's no show. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he likes ponies but I would find out. He likes trucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got like one that he's, it's beloved and he's had it for a long time and doesn't want to get rid of it and the people are always leaving little notes on it offering to buy it because there's like a truck subculture in Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just like it means something to truck people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not like so old that you're like, that's beautiful in an American graffiti kind of way, but it's, I don't know. I mean, this is really an area where like, if he talks about trucks, I'm just like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read all of her stuff when I was young. I did, yeaah. And I was looking for some messy, sexy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Angsty. Yea. It had all of that for me, but I mean, the Twilight stuff came out and I was probably too old for that to hit my sweet spot, as it were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have that tease yet. I mean, I'm, I'm hopeful. I'm really proud of everyone's work so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the body of her work for her entire lifetime, but mostly that she wears the diva sweatshirt and works out every morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how old she is, I just know she's an actual living superhero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, jeans. How are you, my love? I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So take a time out while you're at work. Go to a cubicle. Okay. Or the toilet. Have a fondle. Have a quick sniff. When you get home, as you take off your underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go into the bathroom, close the door, suck him up while my wife Liz was in the other room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cock is hard now, the thought is also hard, but telling you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still driving to get my cock sucked only a few minutes up the road. He used to clean our house and I used to, uh, suck him off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Naked with a man. Fuck the wife. She's a cunt. I really love sex with men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love it. I'm proud of it. I have sold my body for sex for men for blowing and swallowing their cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I do. I love it. I have sucked probably thousands of men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch me outside. What did she say? Catch me outside. Catch me outside. How about now? How about that? Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, uh, he said go ahead and hold on. Yep, go ahead.


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[Assistant] This is it. Here we go. We're finally here. I can finally do it, Jean. Okay. The second half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm so stoked. Alright, it's finally here. People have been asking me about different cities and now I can tell you. Okay. I can tell you. Go ahead, homie. I am coming to a bunch of cities. All the cities I've been asked about, I'm coming, dawg. Minneapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to TomSagura.com slash Tor. Now, here is the thing that happens when you listen to this podcast. Right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're listening or watching right now, if you're listening on the 9th, if you're watching on the 10th and the 11th, the Ansel hasn't started, you can use my code. Champ. C-H-A-M-P. Champ. And that will unlock


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it man. The ticket, the tour continues. It's gonna be all over North America, all over Canada, uh, Europe, and there's even going to be another announcement in a few months about another, one other market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've been hitting me up too, so I appreciate everybody. A lot of you guys have been hitting me up about UK for a long time, so I'm very excited about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's nice. T-shirts for the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. Very excited that the, uh, everybody can be a water champ because we have the water, uh, jug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What up now, doc? I've got two for year one. MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura. And what I'm very, very excited about is, uhm, I don't know if you have it in the show. Do you have that Drew clip in the show or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have that video? Yeah, let me pull it out. Oh, dude, we can just play it in a minute. We'll just open the show. Cause uh, it's too much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I don't know. I can't figure out what that word is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Easy. If you had stayed after your semester or your year at Oxford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would make my dick invert go grow into my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last time I was in London, man it's so long ago, but I was there with you, Russell Peters invited me. I did this little place called the O2 Arena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was in, uh, I guess it was in Birmingham, right? Or was it? Yeah, it was in Birmingham. Bam. Yeah, we went to Birmingham. He's like we do a warm-up show before the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arena show. I hadn't even been in an arena. And the warm up show in Birmingham was 7,000 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was just like, he's kind of getting, you know, get loose. Just dipping the toe in. See what it's like. I bombed on that show. I ate shit in Birmingham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't bomb-bomb, but I was like, huh, and he actually, we were talking after the show, I was like, uh, yeaah, I remember, I was like, that wasn't great, and they're like, that's because, this is what even he said, he goes, those people were off the boat. Like, he's like, here, you did a show to foreigners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in London, it was a little more like our contemporaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was a huge, the Birmingham show. It was awesome. He was like, these people just got here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in London, it was like what you'd expect, a mix of everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two weeks later, two weeks later I did, uh, Comedy Central Presents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've met like ten other guys who have a story like that. Isn't that sweet? Yea, a lot of people have, uh, Russell stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never thought that way. You were like, you should pick things. And I go, why? Because you look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never do that though. I do, I try to get you to approve things. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I said I was gonna jerk off on your pillow. So that you, when you get back home, you lay down, it's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five then you sit up you're like what's going on your pillow stuck to your head


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think, I mean, cause obviously I think that's funny, but you know. So do I, it's good. There's context and like, then you have our little boy in situations like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking like the animal. I just don't want him to, you know, to say it to somebody and then they're like, that's really cool that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's okay. I mean, dump is a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funnier, it is funnier, but we're not shooting a, you know, a video. It's his real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Okay, he's gonna be saying that and people are gonna be like, hey, you know something really happened today, it wasn't very nice, your son announced you had to take a dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I take a dump. And I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's not propaganda. You kicked it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. We were hot. I was like, I'm hot, and then I look at you and you're like, obviously telling me that you're hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, she had it 78 for a while, she's like, feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh can't weigh in because he's severely disturbed. He's a cockroach. He's like 45 feels nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we do a, can we have some type of contest? Where you guys battle it out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it crazy that, that it, like, that they felt so compelled, like, that their kid could just go in, their kid could have gotten into any college, but they're like, nah, my kid's gotta go to this college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever stop and like think, do you ever just stop about like, think about where you are now in your life, right? You're this great comedian, you have this beautiful family, beautiful daughter, and you think about how crazy you fucking were, like the shit you were doing. Doesn't it seem like it's a different person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For years, you would always talk about it, it always made me laugh. And then recently, you said you did a show and the motherfucker, he came to your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I talk to you, I feel like I'm about to see, like you're gonna actually make that move though. You're always talking about moving somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you definitely set the precedent, but my favorite thing about it is you had the policy before you were really selling tickets. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, I know. That's the fucking baller thing is that you guys don't understand when, once you sell tickets, you can dictate things, you know, and people are like, all right, it's whatever you want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before you were selling tickets, you were like, I just tell them to go fuck themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right the fuck up. Isn't that the best when you've been on the road and you're smashing, wiping with dry paper? It's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they go, we're gonna, you're working it all day tomorrow, okay, and you get there like, actually you're not gonna work today, and you're like, what? Yea, I thought it flew. We decided we'd move some things around, and we're gonna, we found this, we're gonna do this shot, but we gotta bring in this special light, and it's like 45 grand to use it, and you're like, yea, it is very like, just impulsive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel, by the way, this is totally off-topic, we've been having this debate about, she taught our son, who's three years old, to say, I have to take a dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the coke days, you've been with some real fucking animals yourself, chicks that are real fucking questionable, right? There's definitely been some, but I want to show you this clip of this chick and tell me if she could get it back in Joey Diaz's crazy days. Go ahead. It's on an airplane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and by the way, I respect her. I think she's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, it says if you're listening, it says, she captioned, lick in the airplane toilet because I'm gross like that. So yeah, she put it out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe Rogan's sleep expert. This guy, in the first few minutes of that episode, that guy has you re- like, thinking about, is it episode 1109? That's what it is, yea. It's JRE1109, I forget, I don't know what the guy's name, he's a sleep expert and a neuroscientist man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that dude in the first few minutes he starts explaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens to your brain and body without having great sleep?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chris, who's working here, uhm, that was his professor in school. Was it really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just watch from the sidelines how things are starting to gear up for 2020 elections and all these people are coming into the mix, like different people are announcing that they're gonna- right now the pool, I don't know if you've seen the democratic pool, it is like, it's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's huge, right? Every day they're announcing like all these, you know, different senators and former governors, congress people, but there's, there's other people that are announcing that they're going to run for president too. Like, um, I don't know if you've seen this guy right here. He's, he just announced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's taking the wall. Okay, so he's got an immigration policy. That's interesting to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And by the way, the way that people, whenever somebody faces any barriers of something they want to do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always another, there's always another way man. Of course. There's gotta be another way. You could put up a hundred foot wall. Dude. And there would be a new way. There's a new way in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was born in Canada and then one day he was just like, ah, America, I want to go to America. And then they just drove in and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the other bullshit thing is too? The uhm, the people who did that, that paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They paid for their kids to get like, near perfect scores. I couldn't even settle for like, these are pretty good scores, they're like, make it, what's the perfect 1600, make it 1520. So now you're pretending that the kids are fucking not smart, like genius level, you know, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The boldness and the balls to have to be, to take it to that level, you know, to me is like, I don't know, I think you're gonna play it cheat like that smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that was one of the cheats is that if you actually do have a learning disability, you can get like a solo extra time for the test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they bribed that person to have a solo room and then that guy corrected all the answers. The other one, there was more levels to it. It was like a real conspiracy where they were paying coaches and photoshopping pictures. Like all kinds of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was your prism, cause it was back, I don't know if it was the same now, was it all super segregated like, like you hear about now? You know what I mean? White's over here, Latin's over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, by the way, you know Potter. Did you know that he can't come? Where?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta see him at the comedy store, go to his dates, what is your website? JoeyDiaz.net. You're the best, you're the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these with my hands gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been with my wife for 19 years. I believe in being a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll just ignore her. If I ignore her, she'll jump on my back, I'll just laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't stay mad that long looking at your wife and man's beauty. There's a way to beat your wife.


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[Assistant] I just- I'm confused by that, because I feel like-


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[Assistant] How much? 400 an hour. 400 an hour. And there's a minimum for short. 8 hours.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Bombs House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] We're recording this out of sequence, so we have to, uhm, we're kind of banking some episodes for stuff we have going on.


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[Assistant] This should be, uh, if everything goes well, God willing, inshallah, we will be doing our next episode in the new space, in the new studio, which we're really excited about.


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[Assistant] It's honestly, it's a dream come true. You know how long I've been like, you know, remember, uh, I've been wanting to do this and then you were like, go ahead, do your thing, do your move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we've taken, I mean, wait till you guys see it. You'll, you know, hopefully see it next week. I mean, we didn't hold back. We wanted to do a full trottle on the new space, but I mean, in all, in all facets of it, um, as far as the set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you guys are all uppity now. You got a new studio. What happens? Does that mean that you're gonna have, uhm, you know...


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[Assistant] The cool thing about the setup of that apartment was that wall was like a false wall. Paper thin. Well, it wasn't how the, they made it to apartments. It actually was one apartment. Correct. So guess what? If you wanted air conditioning to run, she had to turn it on on her side. Then the AC would run.


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[Assistant] She came hard. She came really hard. She did. She was freshly divorced.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but she was kind of a performer. Strong performer. She was a strong performer. To quote Yoshi. She would really celebrate, you know, what was going on. Yeah, jeans in my cunt. Yeah, her jeans in her cunt. And then that guy would be...


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[Assistant] Oh my god, we, we would do, you guys don't understand, so we would do, you know, a shirt and set up the whole store.


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[Assistant] And the orders would go, oh, okay, we sold a shirt. And then sometimes, you know, the next morning you come back and be like, wow, we sold like 80 shirts. And then we would package and print the labels for 80 shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like, by the way, it's funny because in LA, people would be like, do you live in LA? Like comics would see me somewhere and they'd be like, do you live here? And I'd be like, yeah, of course I live here. And they're like, I never see you. And I was always like, well, what do you do? Like, how do you do it? Because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm taking every week that I get offered. Both of us were fully packed. Our calendars were packed. Any offer was yes. Of course. The offers would be like, how about 6 shows, $600, no airfare, no hotel, and the flight is $400. And you'd be like, okay.


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[Assistant] But you, uh, a lot of people don't who, sometimes people, like let's say, discover who you are, now.


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[Assistant] Of stand-up, you know? 16 years is a long time. For me it's 16.


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[Assistant] The level of panic that you live with when you're a


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[Assistant] Alright, what do I have this month and next month? And then you go like, alright, but I mean like once you get like a couple months set up, you're like, alright, but then when you get into that second month,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have, you see that the next month is a down month, you start to go like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] Because you know, it's only if, you have to remember that every booking is just that weekend, that's it, you know.


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[Assistant] Like the big victories are then when you start to go like booked out for a few months.


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[Assistant] But I still remember getting, uhm, Hartford. For some reason, I don't know.


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[Assistant] That means I'll make fifty dollars. And they were like, do you want to do it? Yeah, of course. Okay.


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[Assistant] And then you just, yea, you just, you're like, I'll rack up the debt on this.


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[Assistant] At the, I'm trying to think, the year that I shot my Comedy Central.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you this. 2008, around 2008, late 2008 we get married. At the end of 2008 I get a phone call that I got my first round of offers from the improvs, meaning like multiple weeks of headlining work.


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[Assistant] And at the end of those nine weeks, I had to go get a part-time job.


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[Assistant] Like a little, I started to do it less, the part time, and I think I didn't...


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[Assistant] I don't think that actually stopped completely until end of 2011, beginning of 2012. It's not that long ago.


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[Assistant] The basically second bedroom into our studio.


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[Assistant] So when we knew he was coming, we knew that that room had to be the nursery.


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[Assistant] So we got an office. This is amazing. We got an office like three blocks away.


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[Assistant] In this office complex, and I remember signing the office lease. And the guy wanted three years. And I was like, how about two years? And he was like, no, we don't do anything less than three. So I was like, all right. And like six months later we moved. So I was like, fuck.


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[Assistant] It totally did, yeaah, and, and, we went to, by the way, the crazy thing was, uh, you know, we left Redondo.


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[Assistant] When we left there, the guy that got us the office was able to find somebody to sublease the office, which was a huge relief, you know? Yeah. So, he did. And then...


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[Assistant] This guy was like, you need to clean your off, again, email you need to clean your office. And I was like, what? And he's like, you need to clean your office. And I go, why? He's like, cause it stinks.


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[Assistant] And I go, look man, I go, I haven't been down there in a couple of years now because of that. The least ended like.


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[Assistant] Seven, eight months ago. So I guess it's like before, like around then, right? Like, uh, it was about eight, nine months ago from now, I'm saying.


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[Assistant] So, cause that was the end of like the three year lease. So he's like, you know, there's only a month left, but it's filthy. And I go, how's it? I go, why are you telling me? I sublease it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, oh yeah, well, what's that guy's number? I go, I don't even know, man. Like this was all set up through the real estate guy. I haven't been down there in a few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, well, I'm just letting you know that I'm going in there because it stinks. And I go, I write back to him. I go, you're telling the wrong guy. Like somebody took over the lease. He's like, all right. And then the next day he's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And left, like, where we used to film this show. And he was in there so long, decomping that- Right.


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[Assistant] That, uh, the, the building, you know, the room started to smell. Then they said they got the body out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, oh uhm, you're gonna need to clean it up. And I was like, what are you talking about?


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[Assistant] So uhm, but they had to actually, it's a small office building. They actually evacuated the entire building for a couple days.


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[Assistant] That for people that don't know, uhm, Redondo is like 30 plus miles from central LA and we used to ask people to come to our show like, like, you know, text or something and like other comics, they'd be like, yeah, man, like give me the address and I'd send it and then like,


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[Assistant] You'd just wait a beat and they'd be like, hey man, I didn't realize where you are. Uh, no.


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[Assistant] We fucked that walls. Those walls. We put up sound foam with like that adhesive spray so that when we actually move we tore it off and it just like patches.


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[Assistant] And the guy that owned it eventually was like, uhm, these walls are pretty fucked up. And I was like, what are you talking about?


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[Assistant] I don't like everyone coming over here. And I also feel like, look, it's a proper upgrade. This show, thanks to the people that listen and watch this that have grown and grown and grown, to my thing, I always was like, I want to deliver a product that I feel like, honestly, like they deserve.


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[Assistant] And I think the show deserves, which is this new space. Cause it looks amazing. The sound's gonna be amazing. It really is a total and complete upgrade.


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[Assistant] Different toilet. Different toilet. Different toilet. You know, I just realized, uhm,


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[Assistant] Matt Miller. Is that his name, Matthew Miller? Is that the guy that composed it? Okay, Toronto.


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[Assistant] No, you wouldn't. I was pregnant in 2014. You delivered him in December of 2015, 2014.


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[Assistant] They really did that. They hung jeans outside of the awning, like all the way around the front of the building. So like if you were driving by, you would just see jeans hanging outside and people waiting in line would walk by like a hundred pairs of jeans.


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[Assistant] Well, I just realized that we haven't done a proper show intro. Oh my god. And we're almost 30 minutes.


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[Assistant] This has to be a bit, right? Isn't this a performance face though? No. He's hitting all the numbers and he's like, he's doing his face. This is real, babe. You think that's his real face?


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[Assistant] So, he hasn't been having a lot of luck with some of his other ads that he placed other places because some of those women that have written back are ugly and he doesn't want an ugly woman.


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[Assistant] It does have it. I just don't know if, if, if he, if he's self aware, it's funny that he's doing it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, if you want it to be a strong winning video.


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[Assistant] It would be a lot, it would have to be a lot. I mean, I think it would be really horrifying to have that guy.


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[Assistant] Okay, what about between this guy, this guy right here, okay? The I'll make you cum guy. Yea, I don't like that guy.


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[Assistant] So I'll make you cum, guys. Okay, thanks. Versus...


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[Assistant] Right, so let's go through those problems. Take me through your logic.


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[Assistant] Okay, so I think between the two, you're going with the drunk.


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[Assistant] You're done, and then he's like, this is just duct tape, and it's not gonna hurt, but this way when I get back...


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[Assistant] You know, we can talk some more, and you're like, uhm, alright.


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[Assistant] Uuuh. Man, don't fre- oh, you disappointed me.


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[Assistant] Do you want him? But, but he, don't forget the nice thing is. I'm not real picky.


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[Assistant] So it sounds like your order to recap is, you take him first, cause it seems like second place is, I'll make you cum, and third place is Joe. God. Joe definitely is the most coherent and has things the most together and he's in third place.


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[Assistant] Talk about this baby we're gonna have. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] He's got a- you know who'd be the most fascinating thing? We had Julia.


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[Assistant] And Julia introduced us to him and everything and, you know, she obviously saw the red flags and running. Wouldn't it be fascinating to talk to one of Joe's exes? Love to. That would be...


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[Assistant] I would love to be like, I met a girl, she's like, I dated Joe for six months.


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[Assistant] Will you please send me a video only though, not a text. I wanna be able to watch it over and over and over and celebrate.


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[Assistant] No, I'm talking about other road beef chicks. Oh, stop it. Oh, what about your dream? Your more, your newer dream? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, that people remember from a few weeks ago, where we saw the Lakers and then you're like, I had a dream you had a black cock last night. By the way, what do they do with their cocks during the games? And we're like, okay.


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[Assistant] And this was, so this time you weren't with me though. So the dream...


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[Assistant] I definitely never see you on that side. I just, I just see that road beef and there's, you know, there's very, very little, uh,


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[Assistant] Well, I'm just telling you, I can't snuggle to sleep. I can snuggle and then it's like, now I gotta go to sleep. I don't snuggle to sleep. I don't know, I just can't. It's uncomfortable to sleep that way.


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[Assistant] I enjoy, I like the affection of snuggling to express love, but then if it's like, I gotta go to sleep, I don't sleep that way. I can't.


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[Assistant] I'm fat. And fat people don't like to be hot. Cause they're naturally hot. Okay?


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[Assistant] Well look, uhm, here's the thing we're gonna do right now. I'm super excited. I am so excited. Hold on, I wanna make sure I can, uhm...


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[Assistant] God, what, which binder is it in? This is one of the reasons I like the idea of going to a new,


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[Assistant] Uh, studio so that I don't have to search for something every time I want to show it to you guys.


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[Assistant] It's painful to do it though. It's a lot of dead air. Well, you're not helping, that's for sure.


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[Assistant] You're definitely not helping. You're not helping at all. What are you talking about? You never help with this stuff. I just do it all.


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[Assistant] Maybe by not saying like it's real fun to listen to, so like, stress the person out more, like as they're doing it. You mean like that?


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[Assistant] Alright, well we're having the video FX supervisor.


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[Assistant] From Tiptoes. Tiptoes is gonna join me on a call right now. Uhm, it is very exciting. I will say that I don't think, if I'm correct, that you're gonna be on the call. I can't.


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[Assistant] Hello? Doug? Yes? Hey, it's Tom Segura. How are you?


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[Assistant] I'm doing well man, thanks so much for, uh, taking the call.


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[Assistant] So we have become semi obsessed, uh, since discovering honestly, just the long form trailer for Tiptoes. Um, like over and over can't stop watching it.


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[Assistant] You were the video effects supervisor, is that correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, visual effects producer on the film.


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[Assistant] The thing, okay, one of the things before we get into, like, for some reason, you know, I never was aware of the movie when it came out.


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[Assistant] Somebody sent this trailer, and when we watched the trailer, we were like, this isn't real.


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[Assistant] Uhm, because the trailer, I don't know if you've watched it recently or anything, but it has like this parody quality to it, like where it's cut to feel like it's not real. Does that make sense?


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[Assistant] Do you remember when you're working on it, like, cause I, I'm always kind of, I was always fascinated by this. I have a little bit of experience now as an actor in film. So some of my questions about it, I was able to.


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[Assistant] Answer, right? I did three, I did three films this year. One big studio movie and two independents. And I remember, I used to always wonder if during a filming, like during a shoot, like when you're actually shooting a film, whether you get the feeling or not, like this is going to be dog shit or this is going to be,


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[Assistant] Eh, this is kind of, kind of sloppy. This isn't, I don't know what's going to happen here. Like, it's, it's still a toss up though until you see it cut. I mean, were you actually, since your visual effects, were you there, like, throughout the, the shoot? Were you there, like, to run a picture?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this movie was, was in, it was like an indie budget movie. Is that correct?


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[Assistant] Okay, so the guys, the actors, the big names signed on because they must have bought into


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[Assistant] The script. I mean, that's always why you land the out of this world level talent. And, you know, certainly having Gary Oldman and even at the time McConaughey and Beckinsale were like, these are big above the title kind of names. They...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They must, this script must have really hit them as a great piece of writing.


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[Assistant] When you're actually, you know, let's say midway through it, there is like the chaos, the budget stuff. Do you kind of, do you still go like, you have hope for it? Like are you still hopeful that this turns out well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah. Uhm, much better. So you, you said though that you, you were like, somewhat hopeful, but like not really sure, I'm guessing, right? Of, of how it would go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, so, and as visual effects, you were doing, I mean, did you have to do things in addition to, to, you know, I guess, I don't know, did they like, did they green screen his legs, like, you know, like, uh, you know, in Forrest Gump where Gary Sinise was, was that that kind of technique?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I mean, uh, one of the things I've been curious about, cause I still, like I said, I haven't actually seen it. We've just been obsessed with this trailer and, and I've actually played this for, like I played it for Sean Anders who directed Instant Family that's out right now and directed Daddy's Home.


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[Assistant] He was like, that's not a real thing, right? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, that trailer you were playing, that's not real. I go, yeah, it's real. It's a real movie. And he was like, no way. Like he, I, even when I showed it to him, he was like, this is not a gag. And I was like, no, no, no, this is real. So we were reading.


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[Assistant] Trivia, and like the first trivia point that comes up says, uh, director Matthew Bright was fired after he turned in his cut. The whole film was then re-edited. Peter Dinklage has said the original director's cut, which screened in Austin, was gorgeous, but the people who fired Bright ruined the movie. Do you know anything about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw this movie years ago.


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[Assistant] Did you see, did you see two cuts though? Did you see like a cut and then a totally different cut?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, Gary said, uh, he said that, uh, not my best role and it didn't turn out well. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like looking back, I mean, you've worked on a bunch of things. Would you be like, oh, this is the worst thing I worked on?


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[Assistant] So, Seagal has really taken over that space of, uhm, the, uh, the $30,000, uhm, uh, action film now. He puts out like six a year. I don't know if you ever, uh, worked on any of those, but he, he does, uhm, he does quite a bit of those films now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's uhm, I find, I find fascinating about the, the visual effects thing too is like, there's, there's like these,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, uh, milestones or benchmarks that happen in, in your guy's field that become, it's like your brain recognizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That that's, you're like, oh that's, that's when that capability was happening. And it can take you out of a movie or just kind of make you go like, I don't know, it throws you a little bit if the effects are like super dated or something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a way you accept a really old film, like say you watch a, you know, an old Hitchcock movie, and you see, you know that like, oh, this is before modern day visual effects, right? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, after like some really modern capabilities have held up, for me, is Minority Report. Like it's, at this point, it's gotta be over 10 years old, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of those visual effects look amazing. I know it was a huge budget. They look amazing. But if you go back probably 10 years before that, if you watch the first Jurassic park now, that looks kind of wacky. It looks wacky now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other one, Doug, that takes me out of the movie always throws me, and because the movie is otherwise just like a perfect thriller, just such a great movie, uhm, is The Fugitive, when Harrison Ford jumps off the train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It must have been like, I feel like when you watch the movie, you're like, this must have been the year before the newer technology came out. Cause it looks so out of place. It looks so like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yeah. It makes you go like that must've been the best available. You know, it's, it's got, it had to have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now the special effects are insane, right? It's just like, uh, it's unbelievable what's possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I am really looking forward. I'm going to do it. I'm going to pull the trigger and I'm going to watch Tiptoes. Uhm, I really want to thank you for taking your time and telling us a little bit about it because this is, uhm, it's really exciting. So Doug's talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. That's a great attitude. Uhm, and thanks again for giving us some insight on it. Appreciate it, Doug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was Doug Salkin, the video effects producer, uh, from Tiptoes. Um, I got into more than just Tiptoes obviously, but I enjoyed talking to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, be right back, uh, with, uh, Christina after she's done, uh, taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Well, that was awesome. Doug was so cool. You missed it. You were taking your big dump, but Doug, the, uh, video effects producer from Tiptoes. And, uh, you'll have to listen to it. It was, it was pretty cool. I appreciate his time. We're gonna switch it up now and, um, go into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dark, dark place with the darkest human being we know. Alright ladies, pull your panties up. There's gonna be some redemption here for the great Josh Potter is joining us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like if you tell a nice girl, let's say, you go, oh, uh, Potter's here, she would just go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, you were uhm, you were actually, I'll have to be honest, it came across as somewhat polarizing because even though we're giving you a hard time about a lot of people being upset, a lot of people really happy. A lot of people really- Wow. Well, there's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, so I got a number of messages and then in person somebody last night I ran into at the comedy store was like, hey, uh, you know, and I thought she was going to bring up the thing that upset me, which was like kid stuff. She was like, when he was feeding people to pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, hey, but those were hunkers. They're not real. But anyways, I think it was just too gruesome for some people. But again, we're leaning on that. I have to be fair, a lot of people were saying that they thought Josh was hilarious. But nevertheless, it was a polarizing segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Josh is in here, he says, you know what, I'm gonna redeem myself, I want people to have a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is actually our, uh, our New Year's episode that we're doing right now. So this is perfect. Uh, start off the New Year. This will be coming out the evening of the first on audio and on the second on video. So this is, uh, what a great way to start off your New Year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, we're 10 years married, so yeaah. Yeah, I mean, it's time. You just had your anniversary. And Christina's been talking about BBCs quite a bit lately, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yes. I was not licking my chops. She was licking her chops also. About who? Uh, LeBron. She was like, she was like, guess what? This is the next morning. She goes, I had a dream last night. I was like, okay. She goes, that you had a big black cock. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she actually, she's never asked me this for sports. She's like, when can we go to another Laker game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought for a second you meant, that's how they're marketing it, they're like, it's a gonorrhea tongue, doesn't it feel dangerous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your ding dong is going through this hole here. Precisely. And then that is up at her hello hood. Her bum bum. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, I don't even have that, I don't have like really that big of a gap between under my bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm into that. That works. That's the best thing in the world, if you ask me. The face looks like a misprint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the weird thing. The tits are kind of the eyes, which is kind of nice from that angle. She's got eye tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I were to redesign, this side would have the b-hole for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always feel like it's uhm, these things have to be so nasty after it's used.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that fascinating though, if it's not, like, I always thought that mine was tied to that, that like, uh, and I feel that shame more, uh, alone, you know, like I don't feel it after a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always tied it to the Catholic guilt. Sure. Because in our house too, it was really bad. Like sex was like, that's not even like a topic you need to discuss. Yeah. Not a reality. Like it was that crazy where you're like, wow we're really pretending this hard? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and my mom would be the type that like, if you're watching TV or a movie, and a woman were to walk on screen in a bikini at a, on a beach scene, she would be like, you're watching pornography?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not good at it. You know, we just had a session with Kyle Dunigan over his profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you think that and you go like, you know, I'm not a ten or whatever. Right. But, you take, you know, you get cleaned up. No, I get that part of it. You're gonna get some people sweating. Trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you are doing it sometimes? I stopped doing it. Oh, okay. Can we jump back in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like some access, meaning just to see what you go with. I have a fart right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, I'd like to see what photos you choose. Maybe you can bring us up. I have no good photos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear it? No, I did not hear it. I'd like to see, let's get some good photos, the right clothes, put up our, what, three or four best photos, see what, I mean, you can handle the profile, let's just look at the image, and then let's do a swipe right experiment. Let's do it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm even down, I'm even down to do this. I'll take you shopping. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, well. It's like, you know what it is? I was wrong by saying, what I'm saying is that it looks kinda like a doll. And dolls to me are, you know, I think of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were to take a, if you were to go pick up a doll right now, that's the image that I have is like those, you know, there's a specific way that the lips lay on the doll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like a fucking aggressive move. And for our listeners, the image is the same, uh, I guess- Apparatus. Apparatus. And that little mouth has obviously very pliable, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what do you think if you walk into a guy's place and you see that? Red flag. You would? Double red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh really? But see, that's interesting that you're like, ah, that guy's just getting off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I mean also by the way, it looks like there's some real handy work in the butt plug aspect here. Yes, it's spiraled. Yea, that's really neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Pretty good guess. Go ahead, Tom. Your guess. Uhm, I'll guess more. 1650.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, there you go dog. But, um, but the other thing is this could also get you ready if you're going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like stretch, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when the first dawn comes in, your butthole's like, okay, all right, we're ready. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta check and make sure everything's alright and he's like, I always save this for the 9th month and he unzips and he puts it in there and he's like, yea, everything feels alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see the curves and uhm. Oh yea. I mean this second. Little step ladder. Yea, that's kinda interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm such a big fan. I've read every book the day they come out. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, knowing that it's from that film, it's gonna be bonkers. I would almost say that they should tell you the price without it having been in the film. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a custom. They can't mass produce something like this. And it's in this hugely successful franchise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuuh. Thirty-seven thousand dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My booty hole? I think I can do it. Some gold up your butt? If I wanted to really train those muscles. Hell yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you put them on the table and you roll them over to him and he's like, what the fuck is this? And you're like, that's your college education fund. And he's like, what is this? And you're like, it's mom's gold pussy balls. And he's like, I love you mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially with your new, uh, lane of entertainment that you're into, you're gonna be fitting six times out of that in there soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is another flex move, it sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things like money. I feel like you're a really good spokesman for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've made that mistake before. So uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny you use juvenile word to talk about it. Dong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a therapist say dick, and I was like woooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not the lea- it's not the most expensive. It is the most expensive. Oh, it is the most expensive. Yes. Oh. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some details missing on this thing. What the fuck, man? What else is there? Rubies and gems and diamonds in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, you're definitely giving them the specs on your dong. But, but listen. You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's a good, it's a really good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Somebody's- Actually it might even be Lakers. There might be Lakers playing with it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They might have sold, we know what they're like, we haven't sold many, I bet you fucking half of them went to some MBA guys. Yeah. They have a lot of disposable income. That's true. Uhm, Josh, you definitely redeemed yourself. That was a fantastic segment, Josh. Thank you, Josh Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's attention, a discussion, an argument we had the other day. You often, uh, mispronounce things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. So it's funny because it will carry on. Two people who didn't speak correctly will teach you and then you will have it go on through your life for 42 years. You're a native English speaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, mispronounces a lot of things, says a lot of things incorrectly. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I always had the balance of my father who was American. Right. So he taught you the right way. Right. And it would just stand out clearly. I'm like, oh she's saying that completely incorrectly. Sure. And this person will balance it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was funny to me was that we got into this conversation about a word I'll bring up momentarily, but what's interesting is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually thought, this is what's interesting to me. I actually thought you were pronouncing it a foreign way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually thought you were pronouncing it a foreign way, and it turns out you are actually pronouncing it the way supposedly Americans pronounce it, even though


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear I hear it more said the British way. And that's, so the word is the word that, um, it's the full word that comes from, if you were to say many, what's the full word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've hung out with some weird people, but I've always heard people say miniature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it turns out the way that I'm used to saying it is how the Brits would say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miniature, but I swear more Americans that I've had conversations with pronounce it the British way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is the American flag here. So let us know that this is an American way of saying it. I still think it sounds so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only, I swear to you, it was the first time that it ever caught my attention was with you in bed when you're like, oh, like a miniature one. I was like, wait, what the fuck? I've only ever said or heard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, which is why I accused you of saying it the British way. Correct. See, I was thinking, oh the phonetic pronunciation must be the British way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that us, as Americans, are saying, like, I was thinking that my pronunciation must be the dumb American adoption of it, miniature, but it's the other way around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In good uses, rightly is the opposite of wrongly, and rightfully means much the same as by rights. In saying rightfully, the announcer, oh, okay. So it's making that distinction. Does that make sense to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Means much the same as by rights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so boring. No one says chewing gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I would say that, like, pretending to sound that way, you know? Like, guys, let's get a piece of chewing gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dumb friend from Philadelphia says tournament.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, I don't, I mean, that's so regional. I've heard that. A tournament.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. On tour? If you live here, you say you're going on tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am gonna, I'll say this, it was another fun year of doing this Pomcast. Uhm, I love doing this show. It's really one of the most fun things I've ever done. I love doing it with you. I love, uh, that we get to do this. I thought you were gonna say you loved me. Can you let me fucking ever finish a sentence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I love getting to do this. This is the best fans in all of podcasting, hands down. Thank you guys for supporting the show and supporting us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're really looking forward to an awesome year 2019 doing this in a new space. And I think it's going to be a really fun year of doing this show. I hope you guys enjoy all the things we have planned for it. Um, but I just want to say thanks. I hope you have a great new year. Uh, is there anything you want to add?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a real nice message. So we'll leave on that. Uhm, happy new year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a good one. Here's a song from Isaiah Black. Have a great new year. We love you. Bye guys. You can't say retarded anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never been on E-Harmony before in my life, I swear. I'm not going to go out running around looking for dates this all time. I'm looking for a woman. I'm not real picky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like long walks, cause I mostly stay around the house, homebody. But I do like sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong with your pretty and a virgin? So if that's you, you get in contact with me and we'll get together. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. But when people introduce you for spots, do they sometimes say, uhm, despicable or deplorable? People say all weird words. They can't remember degenerate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was recently in San Francisco with a friend and her friends came to meet us and they couldn't believe I was there. And they were like, you really know each other? And that felt kind of fun. That's cool. It was exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so she was happy we have mutual friends, but am I, so I live in Crown Heights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, in the past couple months, the carbon monoxide alarm has gone off three times. And the landlord's being kind of a bitch about it, won't fix it, and getting defensive and yelling, and the plumber keeps fixing stuff, but keeps going off, there's poisonous gases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, well, and then there was a gas leak up there, so basically just almost murdering us. Yes. For months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, the cops were just like, cause I was on a plane and the neighbor called me, he's like, guess what, this is, this happened, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said the squatters might come back to watch out. They can't guarantee the squatters won't come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause my other one, he wouldn't give me my deposit, but like I told him the heat wasn't working and he came back with a device and like, he was like, I don't know. It's fine. I'm like, I'm wearing a coat inside. Like, I don't know. They don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's like, I'm just cold or there's just monoxide, like, I just don't want to die in my sleep. She kept being like, the plumber said it's safe, the fire department said it's fine, why would, it's fine. And I go, it's just not worth the risk, I don't know. And she's like, just stay there. And then I'm glad I didn't, I went to a friend's house and then the next day was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full like level, the carbon monoxide levels were at 35 and they should be zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just sleeping there. I've been sleeping with windows open all winter because I'm just so terrified of dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Nazis used to come all the time because they had the biggest population of Jews outside of Israel. And then when I was in school, the KKK would march and then we'd have discussions in school about freedom of speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but he's a weirdo. I mean, he's a creep. He's a sex demon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. A lot of them have kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's one of my porn pet peeves is when there's like a random foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. I don't like a foot in the mouth. All of a sudden, someone's licking a toe. Like I don't, that's, you need to warn. Yeah, I have a few pet peeves, but that's a big one. I've got some too. What's your other one? I don't like grundle shots. What's that? Like from the back with the balls waving. Like I don't want to see man butts. I agree. That's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, but as a grown up, like I would say in my twenties, that's why I don't think it fucked with my brain too much. As a road dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, she said our brain takes trauma from our youth and makes it fantasy and that's like why we're into what we're into. Which is upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but she's like, no, it's her brain is magical. But I'm like, no, it's like sad that, but I like when they take like a girl and there's like a dominatrix girl and then everyone kind of fucks her at a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, a girl needs to be degraded, but I can't just have men around, like there needs to be a female in charge. Yes, that makes sense to me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an ex-girlfriend. What? And I think I'm gay. When did this happen? I dated a girl like maybe a year and a half ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For about six months, I got dumped. It ruined my life. That's why I started therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think I'm more gay than I ever anticipated. So I want to find a girlfriend. And because I'm new to it, I've been watching and learning from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all at this point. Not at all, but I would like a wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not not interested, like I find men hot sometimes. Oh, well that's good. Uh, I would fuck a dude, I feel like, I just don't, I can't see myself ending up with a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the word, I don't like the, like, I don't, it's just like, be fun. I want love. I wanna be married and have like a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny? I don't like snoring. We had a- or snorts. Oh, I see. That's what- wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I hate the word precious a lot. Me too. I hate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a fancy brand? It's a fancy fan brand. Really? Yeah, I like it. I did buy the Dyson Airblade one too, but I thought it was an air conditioner and they're not, they're just $600 fans. $600? I bought two, yeah, they're like $350 each and I thought they were air conditioners though, but they're just air filtering fans, so I returned them immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, someone that I had a crush on told me to buy him and I did it. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't like gel. There's just better products out there. There's pomades and creams. There's no reason to use a gel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is what my AVN experience is gonna be. It's gonna be me interviewing guys like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I did the MSNBC thing and I said, I'm sick of old white guys and Bernie's old and ugly. Like I just, but it was just, I was just excited to go on the show cause Chef Tom Colicchio is going to be on and he's a hero of mine. My friend was at my house braiding. They sent me topics. I'm like, nah, Bernie's annoying. I'll talk about him. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People love Bernie. So, I've been, uh, I can't, I have not gone online in a few days. That's probably smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the tactic, I think. I was just more scared of my friends and my friends that I care about have texted me going, you're fine, so that's all I really care about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I also feel dumb cause I was told like scrub your Twitter and I was like, I don't think I have anything. I'm like pretty good of a person. And then I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said the N-word in 2016. I don't know what I was thinking. Cause I knew it was bad then, but I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's like 15 Asian tweets, uhm, and then a couple about Indian men on Mac, like I don't know what I was, I can't even, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, if they just posted it going like, this dumb white bitch, I'd be fine with it, but they're going and anyone that's black or Asian that's following me, they're sending them the screenshots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one person, so the tweet was about, so I took accidentally my niece and nephews to see Keanu, because I thought it was just a movie about a kitten, and then it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're smart, stay away. No, I'm not, yeah. Uhm, I give my password to someone and I'm not going on it. Good for you. Don't do it. Black it out. I can't. Yeah, they're just, uh, don't go get into the vortex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about your porno pet peeps. What else do you like? Well, I hate fake noises. That's why I like, I think the kinky stuff, cause you know it's a little bit more real. There's like Hitachi's everywhere. Oh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't use it to masturbate. For her OnlyFans. Cause she's a slut at her off time and that's like the best. So her OnlyFans account, it's basically her, sometimes she'll suck a dick at a Dave and Buster's. I do jokes about it. Like, she'll just put it on or she'll be at a music festival and she'll just suck a dick in the middle of it or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and she gets people on Craigslist and they come over and then they have sex with her and then her boyfriend has sex with her. She's just like wild when it's her and all her best friends are porn stars. So they'll have game nights and then she'll just tape them doing whatever. So I like watching her on her off time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my favorite girls, they are lesbian married couple, but they'll get another girl and they'll be in a hotel room and one will tape and the others have sex. And I kinda, yea, I like it grounded. But not amateur. I want a professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got more into it in the past few years, I would say. Yeah. I'm lonely, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I'm into it. But I also watch the interviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would never, uh, I would never, but I, like in my private life I like it. So I am terrified at any moment that someone will release something. What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wanna, yeah, I don't think I'd do porn, but I like sending dirty shit, and I like getting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think I do a joke about this, but I told someone to send me a dirty video once, and he sent me videos of him fucking someone else, and like, humming on someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not long at all. Like 30 seconds each or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, for sure. Cause he, when we had sex, he tried to do stuff and I was like, I don't trust you. And now I'm glad I didn't send him any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically I was in Australia, I was in Melbourne for the Comedy Festival, and me and this girl, it's so good. I wanna go back. So bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun there. Uhm, but, uh, we had a mutual, we have a mutual best friend so I knew I'd hang out with her. And then we were at an, uh, an art museum and I just looked over and I was like, oh my god, I'm fucking in love with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like nervous, but then I finally told her that I liked her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, I had to go to Sydney and she had to stay, but we immediately started texting and I'm a creep, so day two I was like, can I buy tickets and see you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's London. She's in the new Netflix things that came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I really loved her, but now I'm like, you know, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, a lot of my, I think it was the first time I felt fully like, loved and gave, like I don't know, I just, it was a really good relationship, while it lasted, but she said most of my issues and why I can't let it go is because of other stuff that I'd never explored, and that she kind of gave me everything I've ever wanted, so. Wow. It's like more than that. Interesting. Yeaah. I never felt seen before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Seen, heard, acknowledged, all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, I would have married her, but now I'm glad we're not together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like I've had two, uh, I've had one group thing and I hooked up with a girl and I was like 21 in Portland. Uhm, and then that was it, but no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, see my, yeah, Scottsdale was my Arizona time, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I didn't know. At all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I thought I liked having sex, I just enjoyed having sex with her more than I have with any dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now everyone's like, oh now you're like, everyone will be easier for you, the pool's widened, but I think it's like so specific now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm fine. That's what I always say. That sounds bad. But it's like, I don't know if I can day to they. That seems so complicated. Like, I wonder if they have a sense of humor. They? No. But, uh, yeaah. What's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's a mania. But at least you know the Benadryl guy would get caught. He would not get away with murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm going on the 20th, I'll be there the 23rd through the 27th, and then Cardi B's performing at the awards this year. Okay, Bacardi, Cardi, Bacardi. So, I love her. My favorite thing is watching her eat shellfish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then I'll be at the red carpet at the award show, and then I'm just gonna be a fan in a glitter dress watching the awards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And cheering for me, like I vote for them, like I vote for all the fan awards. You too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I treat it like I treat any other business. I think that's what's like fucked is people don't respect these girls that are just working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause someone was telling me Riley Reid has over a billion streams. A billion? A billion. Which is like, if she was a musician or a comment or anything, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was on YouTube, she would make so much money. And she's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have my favorite set up, like I have to like figure out what I'm perfectly in the mood for. I mean I'll tell you what I saw last. I'm very indiscriminate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this, Tom? What are you doing? Oh yea, you know the scene in Requiem for a Dream and everyone's like, it's so sad? Like that is, that turns me on. I loved that end. Like that end scene where everyone's like, it's so sad, like sometimes I'll pull it up. Oh wow. You are traumatized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it was hilarious. But as long as it's fake, I'm okay with it. I just don't want it to be a real tamp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it's, it was real, right? It wasn't acting? Yeah. Yeah, I, yeah, I mean, I didn't laugh, so I guess it wasn't funny, but... I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like watching fights in movies, like if there's a fistfight I turn away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like in the movie Kids, I don't know if you remember that, that to me was like too much. I don't like physical fights, or world stars, stuff like that, like people actually getting hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I'm out and about and I see a fight, I get really scared and upset. Yeah. For sure. I'll call the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they're cooler than just plain country, but I saw the Dixie Chicks a couple years ago, and they were great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got too hammered, but I cried so much, and I just loved them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, manufactured. I just feel like when you're famous for that long, you become semi just mentally fucked. I don't think you can stay normal being famous for decades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just impossible. That's why they all are nuts. I can't, because everyone is fake to you. Everybody. No one is real. Everyone wants something from you or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well no, I'm addicted to Instagram so I just recently unfollowed like thousands and thousands of people. Oh no. It has to be only people like so cl- I don't know, I just can't. Too much. So now it's like, you're all caught up and I have nothing to look at. But then I just go to the explore page. I mean, I just love Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her and Miley are like my hottest for me. Miley and Rihanna.


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[Assistant] I think, well, my prediction is eating ass is slowly on the decline and pissing is gonna go up in popularity. Tell us about it. I just think water sports are gonna be more in. I think people are gonna be more confident to talk about their pee fetishes. I just think pee will be in. Huh.


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[Assistant] This is just on a limb, this is coming from no, um, actual sources, but I think, cause squirting's been so in recently, that I think it's just like such a stop over to the piss world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is, but I know the girls in porn drink Pedialyte and Gatorade Frost, and they're peeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? And they're hydrating and pissing. It's not fully squirt, but uhm, yeah. Cause it's not yellow. Right. No, it's not yellow. So it can't be all pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're hydrating, but ass to me is grea- I don't want it.


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[Assistant] What, like a nice scrumlicher? Oh, maybe you can just get a fake, uh, tongue. No. Fake tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have to get that toy that's like a, a spinny thing of tongues. And then it'll just... There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I also hate when the girls are like, doing the, when they're on the floor but then their legs are fully, oh, it's just, and the guy's standing on top. Oh, the piledriver? Yeah, I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at him last night. It's funny you mention. Yeaah. I'm gonna be a bridesmaid for the fir- I was a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding at like age 12, but one of my best friends asked me this week. And I'm doing the speech at the wedding. Yeaah, I'm excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also, I think the reason it's damaging to dudes is they don't realize it's like a job and the girls are acting and doing stuff and then they take the moves home with them and it fucks with their brains and what sex is supposed to be like. But I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm aware enough that it hopefully won't fuck my brain.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it's to turn you on. I just hope I, I hope it doesn't mess me up. In my brain.


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[Assistant] I actually haven't watched since I've been here, so like for a week. Yeah, I guess I'm okay right now.


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[Assistant] But at home, I'll just be like, I'll be late to stuff for sure.


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[Assistant] Like I should get in the shower and I'm like, well I should, I should watch porn before I get in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause then you don't want to do anything else with your hand. Of course. And you have to like, you're just thinking about it. I remember one time- It's too much, it's too-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what, uh, yeaah, the porn stars, I watch this interview thing and


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[Assistant] It's like, what's your most embarrassing moment on set? And they've all shat on someone, like everyone. They're like, that's where, like, if you're gonna play, you're gonna encounter it. And then the other crazy thing, if they work on their periods, they put makeup sponges in their pussy, and then sometimes they forget about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's the other gross thing that people talk about. It's like, you'll just get a girl that's on set and they smell so bad because they forgot their makeup sponge up there. Yeah, makeup's good. Get away from us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did not work for me. I can't imagine that being... It was not good. Too much work. It was, it was a problem. For sure. But that's the thing with also being with a girl, the periods, no one's really that grossed out.


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[Assistant] I didn't, but she, there was just like blood all over our hands, but no one really cared.


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[Assistant] It was kind of invigorating. I don't know, I liked it. Man, I am so square. Apparently I'm the... Man.


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[Assistant] Well, but you're getting it in more often, like I'm pretty sexual I guess in a creep, but I don't, I, I, not enough people want to have sex with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a problem. No, I'm telling you, like, I haven't had sex in a year. I fucked this weird couple in Scottsdale exactly a year ago. In Scottsdale? That's what happens. Remember I said, I said-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, they don't do anything. It's hot, they have nowhere to go, and then the houses are cheap, so they have enough room to do what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I didn't know if I was gay or not, what I was gonna do, and I hadn't, I was like, I hadn't hooked up since I got dumped, so I was like, I'll fuck a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I found them on Tinder. And there was a hotter couple that I met, but I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well usually, if you, if you look for girls on dating apps, it's, there's so many couples to the point where lesbians are like, not interested in threesomes, I don't wanna fuck your boyfriend. So, a lot of couples will go on as just the girl.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. And they had tattoos and stuff. So I chose them.


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[Assistant] No, I felt more connected with this couple, but then it wasn't a good thing. They had like neon blue lights around the bed. Oh god. It was bad. That's terrible. But I stayed. And he was racist, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was perfect. No, he was gross. She was pretty fun. So that, yeah, I just have to find a girlfriend. No, I'm sure there are people that will like fuck me, but like I want, you know, I want to like the person. Yeah, of course. Of course. But uhm, yeah, I can't. How was he gross?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just, it was more about him, he kept trying to be bossy and it wasn't about everyone's, he was just like too, uh, uh, me, me, me and it bothered me. And it seemed like she was trying to like please him versus herself. I just didn't like the dynamics of, and then in the mor- not in the morning, I didn't stay overnight, but afterwards I was waiting for my car and he told his wife, he goes, hey don't forget to ice your pussy so it doesn't hurt in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's like they're just fucking for pay. I don't know. It just was weird.


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[Assistant] It's a lifestyle, it's a party lifestyle. Well, and it was funny, they were telling me how all of his family, like, hates her, and the whole time I was like, yeah, I get what's happening here. I don't know, a horse or the black sheep of the family.


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[Assistant] No. But she was from Iowa. She was just trash.


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[Assistant] I had one foursome in my life, uhm, before that, and they were in the front row at Caroline's.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I've been telling this story for so long, I'm so boring, like I need a new sex story, but uhm,


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[Assistant] I thought the guy was hot and so I waited for them and then we chit-chatted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then after I had a drink, they were like, listen, we're actually not a couple, we're all here to fuck each other. We have a hotel room, there's Coke, Molly, we'd love for you to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like cocaine, but I did Molly. But I love Molly.


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[Assistant] It was awesome. It was like all my dreams came true. It really was like a fantasy fulfilled. It was fun. Yeah, I liked it. And they were, they were good people. They had like a drawer full of toy. You know, they were like prepared. This is their hobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I went straight to my babysitting job in the morning. From...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, no, she went to work. I mean, it is wild that people, people just, maybe they trust the agency, but the amount of even tiny babies, I would show up and they'd be like, notes are on the table, bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, it is weird. I mean, I was very good at my job and I care about children, but it is really crazy that they just trusted a twenty-something girl. I would usually show up in sweatpants and they would just leave me with their three months old for days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was weird. Cause I would come from partying all the time. I can't believe, I've babysat probably over a hundred families.


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[Assistant] Cause people always ask, like, were there condoms? I'm like, yes, this is what they do. They're not, they're not gonna fuck with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the guy was not hot, but the other guy was really hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and the girl was really cute, but neither of their dicks were like giant or anything.