[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Below is a very specific description of our ideal target customer that we hope to reach through new sponsorships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, likes fine food, including wet and dry aged steaks. That's perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farts belches in public with no remorse. Okay. This doesn't seem real anymore. Possible suspect in active murder investigations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool guy. Liked big sloppy knockers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is signed Big Dick Nick. Geez. Alright, so, so far we have zero legitimate inquiries. Uhm, okay. This one says a steakhouse in Koreatown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is just- This is pathetic. Such a bummer. And the last one... Hey, I worked at a steakhouse called Kansai, like, for three years. Chinese-owned, so no problems with content, but they are cheap as fuck. Hit me back with some figures so we can take this further. Try it out. We got sushi and hibachi. Thanks, Eli.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Have you been following, by the way, this, uh, Jesse Smollett thing at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are my favorite. They do a picture and they're like, this is my partner. I love her so much. Do you love your partner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. It's more embarrassing when it's like a known person. I know. I get like your regular person who's like, here's the love of my life, whatever. Different. But like when the person with like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't think- I never forgot that you had a raspberry. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so he's an actor, I mean this story is now enormous, but, so what happened was, a few weeks ago, he's an actor on Empire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's a wildly successful show. He's on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, like, as the story developed, it started to have peculiar details. The whole thing is- Dirty John details. Yeaah, it's really disturbing and sad, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what we're at right now, at least at the moment of recording this, because this story will probably develop more between now and when people even see or hear this, you know? But as of right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we know for sure is that uhm, like a month or a few months ago, he did receive a letter, a threatening letter at the production offices, and that he was resentful that the letter


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about it much. Well that upset him. So what's allegedly happening right now is that when that, when the attack happened, you know, obviously people were like, we need to find the suspects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They researched, you know, all the cameras in the area and they did find two guys walking around at that time. So like these are people of interest. So then they eventually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when the police were like, we want to see your phone records, cause apparently he was on the phone with his manager, the time of the attack, he gave them a redacted version of his phone records. Uhm, so things that started to kind of, you know, not really add up. And then when they, they spoke to those brothers,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they released them without charges and the investigation has shifted into allegedly he, Jussie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you should see that these dudes that he hired to attack him. Yea? I mean, if these guys were allegedly hired to attack him, if they actually attacked him, he would fucking still be in ICU. These dudes are jacked. Really? Yea, he must have been like, look man, I mean, easy, take it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that I don't know. I don't know, it could be true, but I mean, who knows what's at the root of this, but this is backfiring. I mean, it's also like, it really is sad. It's sad that somebody would orchestrate a fake thing like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, like, you go, obviously, like, he's, you know, he is, let's say, anti, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? But this actually makes you look worse. Cause then you're creating this fake narrative of somebody who's like a Trump guy doing that to you, but they didn't do that to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what ends up happening is that now since he made that shit up, then like a Trump supporter gets to go like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look what they're trying to paint me as. It's like, the whole thing backfires on them. It's a really, obviously it's a super calculated, poorly executed idea. And if you wanted to do something like that, you should have talked to me first, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you mean like, hey man, we're gonna work out this fake hate crime. Like, so bizarre. Nah, Burt would be a good guy to talk to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the head, yeah. Yep, I sure did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude wore this every day for decades, and it's not a timeless look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta update that shit, man. It's been 40 years. You can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I mean like, he gets away with it because he's the designer. Yeah, you expect the designer to be, but like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's kind of what I'm talking about. In New York you would see this lady walking around and you'd be like, I saw this craziest, most eccentric old lady today. You know, she's been rocking that shit for decades, for sure. I don't know, but with her it looks appealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Lagerfeld looks like he's like, I've got a cum dungeon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know that it looks appropriate on her. When you look at her, you're like, oh, she, she carries it. Like, it fits her. It works. Yeah, because it's, because she's not trying to look like that. She just is that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] George Lucas? It's just like the gays. Yeah. Um, yeah, I mean, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The picture makes me dry. The picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we got some hardcore guys coming. We got Kyle Canane. We got Greg Fitzsimmons. It's going to be a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a very good job. Thanks, let's just read an email before we take our break here, you know? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought maybe you would want to check this out. Uh, here's an email. It says, my husband had the same problem for months when we started dating. He never had an orgasm during sex. This is like Josh Potter. Josh Potter's problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would always have to jack off at the end of sex, and at first I thought it was something I was doing that was wrong. Then I realized that when he was single, he got comfortable jacking off a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I say to Josh, when you get in a relationship, lay off the jacking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That's cool. I think maybe, uh, it's pretty good advice. What does, uh, Josh think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you think it had any relationship with the actual sex then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The concept of not pleasuring yourself. It's never dawned on you. Well, it seems like it's elementary. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you had a big build up in there, like it's all backed up, the pipes are all-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see Josh Potter doing his own headlining show with friends March 22nd at the Hollywood Improv. If you go to his Twitter page, at J underscore Potter, his pin tweet is a link to the, uh, show. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many, but anyways, I really appreciate that, um, that message from our listener. I think that's very thoughtful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh my god, this is, you wanna read this one? Yeaah. Here you go, read this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's intense. That's really, like, Mom, you got enough lube?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that was pretty wild. Here's a, I don't want to know anything about how much my parents talk though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gotten a few over the years, I mean, I'm almost 40 and my dad, you know, we've had him on the show where he's like, I like a full bush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so we got this other email that says, uh, hey Hitler, am I the only one going to point out how Hard Rock Nick looks like Tom, who took a left turn earlier in life, Carson? Uhm, okay, first of all, first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard Rock Nick last week, it was pretty much, it blew up in a lot of ways. This guy's got real problems. He ended up opening the comments on his Instagram, they were closed before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, like, we were sent, a lot of people sent us to this Twitter handle. I'm not gonna read this whole thing, but you can read it yourself. That dude has a thread on him that is disturbing. I mean, you know, it's just a guy's thread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Dirty John style. There's another guy who I guess used to be friends with him on Instagram that also has a thing going on. But anyways, that Twitter thread is pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys, uhm, just so you know, yeaah, you'll hear, when we have Kyle in, it's a separate time, so it's like, it's still kind of fresh to us. Right, so we're excited still. Yeaah, but now it's like, what's going on? No thanks. Yeaah, that's crazy. All done. Anyways, we, uh, we should be back momentarily with, uh, Fitzsimmons. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back with one of my absolute favorite comedians in the world, absolutely hilarious podcaster and comedian and writer, Greg Fitzsimmons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's so true. You're one of the best comedians in the world. One of my absolute favorites to watch. Thankfully you're here without that dumb broad you were gonna bring. Uhm. With the dumb what? Broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like this would have been a cool place to show the dynamic of the two of you, but now, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds like she might have, you know, if she was that constipated, maybe dehydrated too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa! Josh is a comedian who also works with us. I just met him. Uhm, he's hilarious comic. He is a human cockroach. He, uh, he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I faked, uh, coming with an ugly girl once, you know? Like, I just was like, eh, I want this to be over. So I was like, ugh. I know who it was. You do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was 21, she was in her 40s, so like now that doesn't sound crazy, but 20 some year age gap, and I was hammered. I mean, really hammered. All I remember was that, you know, I definitely didn't finish. I don't think I pretended, I was just so hammered. I just remember, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waking up, right? And waking up and I'm looking out a window, cause I'm in bed, and I'm looking out this window like, where am I? You know? Like totally coming to, this is the next morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the fuck am I? It's like 9 o'clock in the morning. I was like, ah, so hungover. And then I just feel an arm like around me. It's like a movie. Yeah. And I'm like, what? And she's like, Hey baby, good morning. And I turn and it looked like Bill Belichick in a wig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My clothes is all over the house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get dressed and I was like about to walk out the front door and I realized, not only did I not drive here, I don't know where I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, you actually have that, uh, in you to go like, I'd rather not be that than have sex tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is also like 25 years ago we're talking about. You still had that mentality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. That's right. That's right. Do you think she, did she seem pretty good at that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the good thing about skanks is, you know, they provide a nice service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a, yeah, there's one, where's, there's one, I don't want to say anything in specific while we're recording, but there's a, there's a city that I know of that, like, a lot of comics have had the experience with one person. I'll tell you, I'll tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no it's not. But I'll tell you, I'll tell you when we're not recording. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty, uh, that's wild, dude. You guys are double teaming her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't though, that's the thing is, they stand out more to her, the stories, because they weren't with girlfriends, but my number is low, it's not very high. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Imagine if you put your mentality now, like your brain into the 20 year old you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be built for it though. I really believe that because I, here's the thing, all my sex, almost all of it, almost, came to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was never like, like I would be hanging out with friends who were that guy, and then she said no, and she said no, and she said no, and I would just be like, you know, oh someone just came up and started talking to me. If this goes somewhere, cool. That's why I think my numbers were never crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a Venus fly dragon. That's, that's totally true because I, the big thing for me was like, I'm not gonna put in a lot of effort to this shit. Yeah. You know? This pussy comes from me. Shit. Well, it wasn't even like that, it wasn't like I'm too good for it. It was literally being lazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say, uh, well, here's the thing. Big difference between freshman year and senior year. About 70 pounds less when I graduated. Did you play sports? No. But I got to college, I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I want to participate more. So I just lost weight, worked out more. Yeah. And pussies just was just knocking it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, uhm, when you, do you go like, I know that that's alcohol? Like do you, do you address the fact that you know you're being lied to or do you go like, I'll just accept that I know, that I know it's a lie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking the bus into, uh, goth clubs in Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they fixed her. And then they kind of just didn't profile the dude as much. And then they did, and he was fat, and everyone was like, you're fat and gross. And then he tried to lose some weight and... Who's the dude? His brother. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he got like, you know, he got a lot of attention because he's part of the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, make him be like, doesn't it suck that everyone's hot in your family, not you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that would, I think I would, I think I struggled a lot with teen, just the pressures of fitting into groups. I was always switching schools. I think, I think the reality of that without social media was a lot for me to handle. I think I would be much worse with it. I think it would be much harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you realize like when she goes to college or even for the rest of her life and tells that to 99.9% of people, they'll be like, you're making that up. You surfed for school? It doesn't sound real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Constantly. Have you done shows? I wish you would. Have you done shows in Dublin? No. Dude, I'm looking to. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to do it. Bring me with you man, I'll go with you. Would you really? Fuck yeah, I'll go for- You guys should go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Do you know that I did a show once abroad where I was given credit for a concept in the joke that I wasn't doing. Like, in the write-ups. Like, uh, they were like, and then I read the explanation of how smart it was and I was like, that's not what I was doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember my classes when I did, I did do a semester in Madrid and all those classes at University of Madrid were way more intense than the ones back home. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You fluent in Spanish? I mean, I'm pretty good. I was completely rocking and rolling in that era because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, I really didn't, but, but man, the, the class, I mean, you were, those, those, they didn't set us up like Americans for classes in Spain, they just registered us for classes at the university. Right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's happened to me here with Spanish, where I used to do a bit about it, that when I would speak Spanish,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, are you familiar with dad boners? No. Okay, so there's a certain type of guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's usually guys, honestly they're usually white guys, and they get a level of excitement that is off the charts. Like the type of excitement you should reserve for like winning the lottery or something, but they get it for just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goofy shit, shit that you shouldn't get excited for at all. And we love featuring them and showing them. So there's a new one, but to get to the new one, we want to show you like the exemplary dad boner. So this guy made a video of him coming to a park in the trans Canada highway where like it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, where it was, it connected at some point. And look at how thrilled he is at a fucking highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just to give you an idea. So here's where it was paved. I finally found the section where it was paved. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clips of like uhm, a guy with a similar reaction to let's say uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trains. Well, a train, see, that would be appropriate. I'm saying the ones that don't fit would be somebody seeing something in nature, like whale watching, and they'll react. I'm like, yeah, but that merits a huge reaction. Seeing something amazing. Seeing a fucking highway. It's like, dude, get your shit together. Yeah, inanimate object. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think, you saw, you make fun, you said I get excited about, I don't know, crime shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you got that excited about it though. Yeaah. I get excited about cars. I really like cars. Yeaah. So that, but I mean, I don't even, yeaah, I probably would on a certain day, if you showed me a certain car, I might geek out. Yeaah. What car? Muscle cars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I mean, I like, I don't know, I, I, I geeked out as a kid over a lot of exotics, you know, and then- Like Lamborghinis and stuff? Nah, I didn't really, I wasn't really into Lambos, but like, I like sports cars in general, so like Porsches, uhm, certain BMWs, uhm, I even like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mercedes, like AMG, GTs, I think are awesome. But yea, I mean, I've seen Ferraris, certain ones in person, where I've definitely been like, holy shit, look at this thing. Cause it looks like a, like a painting. It's like a piece of artwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That does, that does. If you get in a car where when you start the engine, you're like, ah, that's, that's happening to you every day, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think those 66 Mustangs. Yeaah. Yeaah. Those are, those are pretty choice man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fastest car I've ever owned. Uhm, nothing crazy. No, I've never had like a lightning fast car. I mean everybody now too, like even Rogan was saying, you know, that his uh, he got that Tesla and that it's way faster than his GT3 RS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shit. Yeah, he's like, this thing's insane. Wow. And they're releasing a new one. Tesla's gonna release a Roadster that goes 0-60 in 1.9 seconds. Which is like, yeah, that's out of this world. I mean, there's nothing like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, one, two, sixty miles an hour. I mean, come on. That's crazy. Wow. There's so many horses in this. It's doing a quarter mile in like eight seconds. Damn. That's, that's really, really fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Equally as important. Very important, yeaah. And they're doing it by the way, that roadster will be $200,000. Which is a lot of money, but it's a fraction of the cost of the cars that are performing at that speed. Yeaah. So you know, you're talking about LaFerrari or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two and a half to three second range, there's hundreds of thousands more. Some of them are over a million dollars. And then Tesla's like, 200 grand, go 1.9 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've been in financial kind of trouble, but I don't know, I mean if this model 3 really works out, that's where- That's the cheap one, right? Yeaah, that could be the savior. How much is that gonna cost? It's supposed to be 35 grand. I'll take one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I? When you were at the wheel. We were at a, we were the second car to stop sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you remember this. I was like, oh boy. And then when we finally turned, it was a car of three guys. And they just start to chill back to see like what's up with Blondie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I think about it all the time. I was like, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sober. Yea, you're sober. Yea. And, so when you, when he tells you that was me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he knew, he knew, like, when he saw you, he was like, that's Greg, when you did it? Or no? Yeah. Oh, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did you, so you knew him though at the time. Oh yea, I knew him. But you just didn't realize it. Didn't realize it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. That's really hilarious. Before we forget, I don't even know if we addressed it. Where can people see you coming up? We were talking about it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It falls in like, there's like a schedule. We had to take a class to get our first kid baptized. And then we had to schedule, obviously, the second son, and uh, they're like, if you do it in this window, you don't have to take classes. We were like, we'll see you March 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Well not only that, we were gonna get married on a beach, and my dad was like, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I was raised, like, pretty Catholic and I'm like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you are the best. Uh, absolutely when I say this, I've, I've not, I don't say this about most people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Allison Rosen, who, uh, God bless. I hope everything goes well in the hospital. And, um, that's that. That's it, Gene. Thank you for coming. Thanks for being here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, what's the beef? Do you guys have beef? It's like, yeah man, we've been buttin' heads for years. But we, we were able to squash that beef just for the podcast in the world. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good friend, hilarious comedian, Kyle Canane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's weird, people say shit like that and they'll be like, absolutely. About Kyle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought so. I mean, I just don't, I don't know, I, sometimes you, you look at the, a list of names that you realize, you're like, oh, I've never podcasted with this person, but it's only for just absent-mindedness. Yeah, what about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when we were having this, uh, studio set up, I was like, so we'll shoot next week. And she was like, is the fart mic ready? I was like, I'm not really worried about that. And she was like, why are we even moving to that studio?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, you hear that? Single digits, maybe eight or nine years old he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. That's for sure. I met Kyle, uh, 32 years ago when we started stand-up. Mmhm, way back when. Yeah. We did our, uh, Comedy Central half hours. That's right. The same night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was miserable. I remember how nerve wracking it was. Like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going into it, you know, like there was like this stepping stone, uh, kind of thing you would try to figure out, like, oh, people get hours, but before that you get half an hour and you, I don't know about you, but I was, I was having that my managers submit. And so it was like the first year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said, well no, but you're on the radar. And then I was like, oh, okay. And then the second year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's casting, every, every casting session. They really love you. They love you guys. The next year was uhm, they are, they hear, they're, no, but you're gonna get one. I was like, ahh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember when you bombed that, did you know, was it like out of the gate bomb, where you like opened and you're like, oh shit, there's a tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have, uh, I've had multiple messages sent to me where they're like, it's so weird to get like on Twitter where they'll be like, dude, you look like you should have Kyle Kanane's voice, not your shitty voice. I'm like, cool, thanks man. Isn't it, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if it's on the uhm, that master list. Is the bird thing on there? Do you know if that's on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I don't have it. Okay. Well, can you tell us the drop? What were you gonna say? Oh, there he is right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have him saying something super racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there was that time, he set that Asian family on fire, but there was a time that he, uh, I forget. Anyways, uhm, I'll find it, I'll find it at some point, I promise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you had it going with you and like one of your close friends and you guys were endorsing it, you know, then people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at this point now where I'm like, hey mom, uh, it's really mean. Oh really? Yeah. And I'm like, it's really mean, but like it's helping your son, you know, and provide for his family. And she's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's nice. I mean, my mom's, I mean, no, my mom's pretty nice, but I, we always, she, we've fucked with each other our, my whole life, so I'm used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did I have for you? Oh, you know what I found? I couldn't find, of course I could never find anything. But I found, uhm, remember we had Big Daddy Kane on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. And I was trying to tell him, what is it? Is it, uhm, in my asshole smells? I have- Jesus Christ. I have pages-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically like your raisin cake, you know? Like where the, uh, where the dookie comes out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought yesterday I told a pretty cool story. She made it sound like it was, like, really juvenile and lame. Run it by me. So I was in Reno, and I was, uh, I was supposed to... Good start. Yeah, I was supposed to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was so excited because the idea, the whole plan was finish the show Saturday night and immediately get on a bus, go to bed and wake up at home. I was like, that's kind of a dream. So anyways, they let me know like, oh, we can't do it anymore. So you got to fly out of Reno in the morning. So I spend the night there, not happy about it. Get up early, get to the airport and I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just go in there and I go, I'm gonna handle this. Anyways, I just let out a couple of crazy farts. Nothing else comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get home, I sit down, a couple other huge farts, then I fart in the kitchen, and you're like, hey, take it easy. There's people walking around, we had a nanny helping us out, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, and then I shit later. And then that's the whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple emails, uhm, people wrote in, let's see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this was like, uhm, I guess we discussed this on the last thing, about our pronouns, that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now did the person make the distinction to be introduced as they? Yea. Oh, it was. Okay. So they said like, bring me up this way. Yea, that was it. Alright. Well, I'm wondering if maybe, um, poly and bi pins aren't far behind and then this person wrote burp, burpsheiser is fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, this will be interesting to hear Kyle's take on this, cause this is in response to an earlier episode. It said, hey, what's good? So this bitch I work for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this bitch I work with poorly whistles old McDonald every single motherfucking day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a vision punching her as hard as I can in the chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She also does and says absurd shit. You know how people said, uh, say shit if they make a mistake or something of that nature? She will say cats or jinkies to top it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To top it off, what? She looks like an identical to Dwight Schrute from The Office and that is from Nathan. We were just talking about, you know, I think it's this kind of power, power trip, passive aggressive thing when you're, you know, maybe waiting in line at a coffee shop or somewhere and then there's some guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, or even like, you know, it was in a gym locker room and it's like, you're just, obviously you're winding down, you're gonna get cleaned up and then there's a guy, you know, there's only like two or three of us in the locker room and he's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She also did it, she also did it to somebody who didn't do anything wrong and then the lady was like, smells like a dirty diaper in here, like, cause Christina was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would like, I think he would like, uhm, Hard Rock Nick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny, you know what you could do? Could you pull up his bio? His bio? Yeah, I need a little info on Hard Rock Nick. The bio really lays it out. Please don't. What it's gonna make you do is probably rewrite your own bio. If you don't mind. I need to anyway. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you read his bio out loud? It's right there. That's his bio. He looks like a rape genie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stupid. He's got a lot of a- You know what I mean? That's some- That's when you want to stunt on your guests. Like, check out all these Alexis I got. Hey Alexa! And then you just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, how about this? Oh boy. The ten turn offs in a woman in order of level of turn off-ness. Number one. Non-caucasian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, I'm just going to look out because I know we're going to be bros immediately. Like, he'll see me and be like, similar look. You just need to get your eyebrows darkened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spinning wheel! Spinning wheel is fun. Blackjack, you can fuck it up for other people. Well that's fun. Yea, well it's also, but it's also the thing, I've seen people be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you fucking serious we're gonna hit up? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what my mom used to do that was really funny? When we would go to the mall, like a department store, and I used to accompany your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, she has like olive skin and she has this heavy accent and everybody would always be like, where are you from? And so she would always say, gees. And then, so they would be, you know, a lot of times Russian and not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not once or twice. A number of times when I was with her, they would go, she would go, they would like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she would say, eh, you know, I want to buy the blah, blah, blah. And they would be like, do you speak, are you Chinese? And, uh, my mom would go, yes. And then, and they would go say something in Chinese. Like just, just like a lady working the makeup counter. And my mom would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disabled? Like, walking with a shirt. I would go, uh, just to my mom, cause I knew that I would get her. I'd be like, look at this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a grocery store near them that will hire, like, uh, special needs people. So, I, just to mess with her, I would uhm, like, they would bag it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would bag it up, and then take it to the car, and then like a guy would put it in the car. And that's what, that was the job. And then as he walked away, I would just look at her real seriously and I would go, I think something's wrong with that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun to have a foreign parent you can like toy with. She also doesn't know, like, that even now the R word is not desirable to say. And, uh, and I've heard her say it in front of people, like in a casual setting, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really throwing that, cause it's like, it's a, you know, it's still like foreign language to her, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because the taboo feels like a dare too, you know? But the further case where the English has a second language person is that some of those words just don't have that same impact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fag thing, which was so, like, you know, throwing that around in middle school happened a lot. Dude, they came for Thanksgiving, and I meet them at a, I haven't seen some of them in 10 years. And as I walk into a restaurant, these are 35, 36 year old men, they go, faggot! Like that, like, that was their hello. I was like, you can't do that, man! Like, we're in a restaurant!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peru. Peru, okay. Yeah. Like they don't, I mean they have like heavy act, like their English isn't, they're just like, I remember the words we're not supposed to say. Look, look, this one and this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to pick my nose and wipe him on the back of a couch when I was like in high school. And one time there was some repair that needed to be done on that couch. I never thought of that. The guy comes to service it, moves the couch, and there's just dry boogers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolute most impressive deep dig I've ever seen in public was Christopher Lloyd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember wiping my ass in time and being like, how did this fucking three foot hair end up in here? It's definitely from just hair collecting. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, kind of a groundbreaking, uhm, like an immediate classic clip, we thought. And that was the clip that they were like, we are not into your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morton's was just like, uh, you know, they gave us some money and then they, they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was for the paint job, but then they were doing a little other stuff and then they just said we're not fitting the brand of paint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. He had an orgasm. He's like, ah, fuck! And then he, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was like, I told her, I was like, I should get like some crazy exotic car, just for fun. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and uh, this was before the McDonald's. She was like, that's stupid. And then when the McDonald's money came through, it just felt like it was gravy. So then I was like, now it's fine, right? She was like, I guess. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I ordered it. But now, I'm gonna get some jewelry, right? We're gonna do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think I should ask for, money-wise from the next sponsor? Man, don't talk to me about this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this is such a good idea to talk about this. So now I'm gonna be like, hey, what I'll do is I'll give the agents, I'll be like, hey, open dialogue with this clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's uh, it's when he goes over to Sam's house, uh, De Niro, and the bankers there. Oh, and the accounts there, yeaah, that's right, that's right. He's like, I'm gonna come there tomorrow, I'm gonna get my fucking money. And he goes, you can't talk to me like that. He's like, nevermind, Sam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in that movie. He's in that new movie they're doing. Uh, Scorsese's doing another movie about Jimmy Hoffa. He's got a partner. Oh shit. Jimmy Hoffa. Um, Mr. Kanane, it was so fun having you. Will you tell me, uh, where can people see? Do you have any dates lined up? Anything coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and then she was like, herp, and burped, and then she was like, so am I gonna, I was like, holy shit. It actually smelled like she farted out of her mouth. It didn't smell like a burp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know what you would do. I really don't. Hey, can we do a show together? Live on stage? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 28th through March 2nd, Madison, Wisconsin at the Come On Ya Comedy Club on state. April 4th through 6th, Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Acme, Acme, Acme Comedy Club. May 10th and 11th, Tempe, Arizona at the Temp, Temp on Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 31st through June 1st, Sperm Bank California at Flappers, and then June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Cum at the Dick Cum Improv, tickets at Christina P Online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really get to understand how crazy that guy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm home here now. I'm home here now. I'm home here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but I think about him every now and then, and I, you know what I really think about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is how he's managed to be this internet famous and he hasn't reached out to us or like somebody in his life has got to have heard it at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And been like, hey dude, do you know that you're on this podcast, and these people are like, talking about this video you made, and he's like, oh yeaah, I kinda fucked up, that was silly. Like, what do you think his reaction- oh god. That would be, oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The try it out guy, he's trying to improve his life. But he's looking for the answer and the answer is black guys who like to fuck and fuck good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so my big confession a couple weeks back, as we all remember, was a YMH exclusive, uh, that I had my very first liquid shart. Ever. Yep. Ever in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so interestingly enough, this last weekend, I ordered the same exact meal that produced the first chart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what it is, I order from a company called Pizza Rev and I get the cauliflower crust pizza. And I order all the meat toppings on there. I get two types of pepperoni, spicy and regular. I get the Italian sausage and garlic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I noticed was, because I ate the same thing this time, halfway through my meal, I thought, I think it might be the garlic that's giving me diarrhea. Yeah. And I took off the garlic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I often forgot about my shart too, and I would fart in the kitchen again. I better not. Now, I don't want to, I'm not going to write out who in this office, but somebody here also had a shart. They would prefer their identity. Yeah, there's a lot of sharts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also very fat, as we all know, and very racist, and we've been looking at pictures of him. Oh my god, that's him at the store. Gene, that's him at the comedy store doing the main room. He's shirtless in the main room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so fat. Now do you think Burn is fatter now than he was before your guys weight loss competition?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's crazy though about his body? You can tell that he's meant to have like a rad body because do you see like his cut lines? Do you know what I'm saying? Like his hip bone lines? It's weird because he still has like chiseled


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite. To this day, Sopranos, I mean, I love that show. He's so talented, this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This new, uh, bus life that he's embarked on has probably made it a lot easier to party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before you perform, or did you perform the whole hour with shit in your butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think Leanne is still sexually attracted to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's taught, but I tell you something, I'm more like Leanne, where I grew up in the communist cold war and I didn't treat myself to shit, and he's taught me how to enjoy life that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean you're gonna be hopefully 80 years old and you're gonna have to be like the short list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have a method. But if you, if you, okay, let's talk to Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can he make a method for you and could you stick to it? If someone wrote down, here's what you're gonna do, this is what, this is the routine, could you have a routine and stick to it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no like, there's no, there's no like hot Girl Scout troop leader mom that you'd be like, oh Leanne, we should- Oh no no no no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have it in your audience? Do people, do they yell like, bird is fat when they see you or? Yea, they probably yell Thomas fat. They yell Thomas fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be mental illness. I don't know, who knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Just slightly, yea. Let's say I'm not married to him and you guys are just my friends. Just knowing what I know about both of your personal hygiene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I knew it. That's how long you go between washing your jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to do this. No, your teeth look good. No, they're okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a finger in my butt, but I don't like it. It makes me feel like I have to brown, and I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's stupid. I think it's horrible. And it ruins our family life. It puts wrench in everything. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, because we're the other half to the Sober October. In fact, I think she and I should do a podcast when you guys are doing Sober October, so we can let people know how much it wreaks havoc on everybody's life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love gossiping. Not as much as you. I enjoy watching you gossip more than anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, not when McDonald's was sponsoring. Because when they gave us, they gave us 2.3 million dollars. And they were like, if you paint the set our McDonald's colors, great. And we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's, you're a fast eater. Now I don't know if you can do quantity, but I know that you can do speed. Can we incorporate this in Sober October? Maybe you're staying sober, but can you start eating faster? Or something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did in the past before, Tom, and I fucking hated it. It was such torture for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the truth, Bert. Shut up. Is that I knew Tommy was a goddamn winner from the moment that I met him. You know, remember when we were all fuckin' open micers? Well, you're in class ahead of us or whatever. But like, Tommy was 23. And he was funnier than everybody. Like, he's the kind that started Stand Up and was amazing at Stand Up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, oh, and he's like, stop, stop, stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? You don't know a fucking thing about her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this girl really likes me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It allows us into each other's worlds, or I guess in my case, hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your fans are so nice to me. They really are. They love you. And thanks for having me on the show. Of course. And I have to say there's a trend in show business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know, I noticed over the years once someone becomes really famous, they will cut off all that, uh, less successful friends. You guys never did that. Oh, yeah, I appreciate it. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean, that's, I know, I mean, I'm not gonna name names, but uhm, you and Russell, Peter's been really good to me, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course Norton and Attell, but yeaah. Yeaah, of course Ben.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't make enough money. I mean, when I do shows with Jim Norton or Atel and Russell, it's a really good month because they're so generous, but I don't always do those shows and quite often when I do my shows, regular shows,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and my friend Brendan Daly saw the movie to Showtime, Porn-Demic, it's been on it and we were kind of shocked because I thought maybe 4,000 people watched it first week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was HIV outbreak in adult business 20 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there was a guy named Mark Wallace been accused of spreading HIV. He's supposed to lie on test results. And we found him. And, but, even I was kinda shocked. It was very ambiguous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he lie? Oh that's it, that's part of the movie. You'll find it in the movie, but I worked on it, I'm still kinda like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what happened was paperwork looked suspicious, but the medical facility that he was getting tested moved to another location, so the paperwork was a little, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So... But, so we still don't know whether he knowingly lied, is there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think he's guilty of infecting people. He was so uhm, difficult meeting with industry people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever there's, uhm, HIV case, they do this backward map, who are infected, and see who had sex with them in the last one week, a month. They go backwards and test everyone and see who's, you know, and if they're negative, obviously they didn't infect anyone. Well, Mark Wallace didn't want to get tested. He was the last guy to be tested. He refused to do it for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a little bit, you know, it's 20 years, so even my, you forget things, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what does he do now? I mean, I was shocked when Brandon found him 3-4 years ago because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, if that was my daughter and she was HIV positive because of him, I would kill the guy. But uhm, he's still alive and we found him in Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still like around the adult business though? I don't know why he does, but I don't think so. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even like world-famous, male, old-talent Tom Byrne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been in tons of movies since he was 18, and he was in the business for 30 years, and uhm, you know, I think he's driving Uber, there's nothing wrong with it, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't take care of your personal finance, it's not like I could judge them. I mean, uh, bad shape too, but uhm, there are people, uh, who,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're having a hard time making transition from performing the business for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the next phase. Like you guys are very successful comedians, but you know there's other comedians that you know over the years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why 10 to 20? You could do it for 40 more years. Ah, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, you know what, uh, that's interesting, there was this really old Japanese guy, he had one of his VHS porn, he was having a problem with it, and no one at the retail store in Japan would help him, so he actually, uhm, traveled to the actual company, and when he showed up, this is like 10-15 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he literally went to complain, I forgot the guy's name. I'm gonna travel to get my tape fixed. So he just happened to show up and they were making porno so he started watching and whoever's the male talent wasn't having problem. So they asked the old guy, he must have been 60 some years old, do you want to try it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, this is so funny to me. Uhm, I was in Vegas over the weekend for the porn AVN award show. How'd it go? It was great. Esther Kuh killed it. She was great. Oh, you heard of Esther Kuh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was really shocked because I haven't been at the award show in seven years. I was shocked how well the show ran and how disciplined the audience were because, you know, David Taylor, Jim Norton, all those guys are very funny, but they always-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when Esther was hosting, these girls are way more professional and proper, and the show- They don't want to fuck with a girl, basically. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ran very, very well and Cardi B was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, to, to beginning and at the end of the show. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe the production of it. It was amazing. Oh, but the reason I was telling you, you know how they make these gag


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, I don't know about dating, I hang out with a couple of them and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not jealous. I don't think dating's the right word, but there's certain performers like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even sex, I like, I like their personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a difference between work and private stuff, you know. I don't, but I don't assume, I don't know, we'll see. But uhm, the girl that I like right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charlotte Stokely and Adriana Cechek, they're really good personalities, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're pretty, they're pretty, because it's a business full of beautiful girls, you know, but some of them have like no fucking personalities and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know them personally, but I could tell by their Instagram. I think Instagram is a really good- You don't know them personally?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I couldn't meet them, but like, why? Like, I'm known so many of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't get jealous, but I'll be, I'll be more like a concern for them. How, in what way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be worried about, uh, certain people that they would work with, you know. I know some of the reputations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, hm, I better be careful. I think, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guys have some good reputation and bad, right? And I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some of them could read a girl and figure out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the girls are submissive, so they might do stuff that they shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they wouldn't complain or they could get away with it. There's other girls- I see. There's other girls that's so powerful and strong, they wouldn't tolerate that show. They wouldn't, they wouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get me into the business. Because the conversation over the weekend, it was very, it was a very surprising convention for me, but I had several conversations. I think I have a pretty good chance, eventually, I'm pretty sure I could get Rocco Saffredi on the show here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I was really, I was really, really shocked because uhm, what happened was uhm, I have very bad break up and I have to say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, Christina, and I think you said it too, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old joke aside, you're a very compassionate person, and I think you, uh, uh, uh, after we were recording, I think you were concerned how angry I was, because it kind of eats you alive inside when you're angry all the time, and that's the issue I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New people working Evil Angel. And they come up to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, offering friendship and saying nice things because people who are, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got me fired from Evil Interest seven years ago. All these people are gone. Last month, uhm, December, they got all fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I worked on this podcast the last day of August, uhm, this porn star that ended up killing herself a year and a half ago. It's on Audible, and uhm. It's for Audible listeners only right now. Right now. And then it will be available to the general public. In April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a reporter and storyteller, yeaah. And he's done other big ones. Yeaah, uh, Man Who Stare at Goat, which George Clooney starred in. He wrote a book called Frank, which Michael Fessbender played in. He wrote a book called Psychopath, that's what you read. Oh, right, that's between you and George Clooney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge star, yeaah. So what happened, he, he made a, this is technically season 2, season 1 it's called the Butterfly Effect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a story about how wide available porn on the internet, like Pornhub and things like that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How it destroyed point industry and how much it had an impact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was ranked like top 5 podcast in 2017.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Season one is about how high tech destroyed the industry. Season two with August, it's about how industry had an impact on individuals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And 2017, 5 adult performers died. Uhm, 2 suicide and 3 overdose or 3 suicide and 2 overdose. So it was a really rough time. But the reason John Ronson


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, picked August Ames because he wrote a book called So You've Been Publicly Shamed. It's a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he wrote that book. So it was a combination of a year before he covered adult business and also public shaming. This is a perfect storm of shit. It's a terrible story. He was going to work on a story about Alex Jones, but he shifted to, uhm, August James. So uhm, they were contacting people and one of them mentioned my name. He,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm not an expert but I know a little bit more because of my experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, but it was really hard on me and them and I think it's, they told me this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very sad and dark story, but it's very interesting story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I-I voted her because everybody told me she's nice, typical Canadian, but her husband is the guy who got me fired from Evil Angel. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeaah, what about it? Well, you said that you had... Oh, uhm, this was one of many conversations I had with people, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the people who got me fired. See, why do- why do- okay, it's like Game of Thrones. People that you hate, they get killed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not in the way that you want it to be. So I wish, I wish they would get fired after the podcast because I had something to do with it. They got fired for unrelated to that podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so yeaah, I'm happy, I guess you're out of there, but not the way I want it. Does that make sense to you? Yeaah, I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love hearing all the stories about you, and I hate Adam and Kevin, the two people that got me fired. So that's what, they know how much I hate them, so that's how they introduce themselves to me. I hate Adam and Kevin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they seem pretty, it's incredible how they have changed the plays. They're doing a lot of new stuff because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're really suffering because of piracy. Only way, you know, just like when I had a conversation with David Till.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Evil Angels are doing a lot of new things, you know? So like, as long as you create something new and you have a better interaction with fans. And I think, ironically, Instagram and things like that are helping a lot of these female talents with their fan base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when we asked the last time, uhm, I didn't have any sort of support from Evil Angel or they're saying this is a good thing for you. They don't really know you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's new people at Evil Angel, they're willing to promote the company in a non-traditional way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could tell they listen to your podcast and, uh, uh, other stuff and, and they're all about promoting the performers, their branding. So next time when Rock will have a big project to promote, it'll be easier coming from somebody in upper management


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cars. And I always say, uh, Morocco is like Michael Jordan porn. Absolutely. And if he's even at the 70% level, that's still 70% Michael Jordan, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even realize I said that, and when I heard you say it, I didn't know. Yea, that's all you, man. You introduced us to that lingo. Because that's how rock will, you know, pick female talents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russian ones, it's really tough. I don't know what's up with them. Really? Tough as in Norway. Eastern Europeans and Russians, yeaah. Not fun? No, no, they're really strong. They could take beatings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll pick, you know, he'll maybe do one scene, but he'll have a couple other strong male performers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think Eastern Europe and Russia, because it's an interesting geography, right? Like, they've been invaded, they have a really strong genetic, and these are like tall, beautiful girls, and they're, uhm, physically


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful, but they're physically strong because it's not an easy place to survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, because you could fake with vaginal sex, but you can't when you have a huge dick in your ass or you can't fake it. That's why anal is like a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A big part of it because ever since 1997, with Viagra, there's a lot of guys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cheat, you know, like, John and I agree with him. I think just seeing naked girls should be enough to get your dick hard. And if it's not, you shouldn't be in the business. So Rock was before 97. It's all him. He doesn't have to cheat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I hope everybody go and listen to the last day, last days of August because in season one, I think if you really want to know what's going on in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to know what's going on in the porn industry, you should, because I think this, this, you might agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Porn is important because we don't have an adequate sex education in this country, unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at school they don't teach kids and I think parents are irresponsible and they're scared to talk to their kids. Well guess what, when you do that kids gonna talk to other ignoring kids or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most likely porn, yeaah. So there, I think industry is always trying to change and I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That suicide last year really shocked the industry. And uh, no one was talking about that podcast because I think they were really afraid uhm, what's in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a rehab place called Sunny Acres up in San Luis Obispo. Yep. And, uh, we had one show and... Rehab for... Drugs and alcohol. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I got shoot out by a couple of the comedians for doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the comedians think I'm kind of promoting sexual assault and things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But they're in a rehab facility? Yeah, they can't leave, and this is like their last resort, so uhm, I apologize to uhm, people who are running the place, but it's a huge land and uhm, I forgot the guy's name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made tons of money and, uh, he had this huge land in San Luis Obispo. You know these rules like, you have to be a thousand feet away from school and church and things like that. Oh, do I ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has this facility which is so big that it's away from the, uh, all those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's funny is I did only one show with Rosie Tran, and you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a little uncomfortable because I still have a sick sense of humor. So I had, uh, 8th grade. You? 8th grade t-shirt, 8th grade the movie. So I had that t-shirt on and I did a show. For the sex offenders wearing that shirt? And I did a show for them and I had a lot of sex jokes and they were very careful what they laughed because they were worried


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so when Rosie went up, uh, she did really well. And I had three or four female comedians either cancel or they want to do it. Because they figured out that it's... No, I told them from day one. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess my thinking, and it's a very minor, minority thinking, I've been going to Germany a lot. Wait, what's in Germany?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if they assault someone, they rather they get some help and they will be charged and they will try to help them and they do help them. But the way we have a system here is there's not even no chance of trying to get help because you'll be ostracized or you might go to jail. So in a really weird logic,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're putting kids more in danger because you put enough incentive to punish them that they shouldn't get any help. My way of thinking, I have a, we're doing a comedy show and uh, have a show, eventually hoping some community members show up and watch the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that there should be facility for these guys to get help because it's better to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a very popular thing to say, and I'm always seeing the minority and stuff like this, but I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the long run, I'm, I have a faith in that my way of thinking is probably better than not doing anything about it and thinking that, you know, but believe me, I've heard earful from people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like it, I mean, I've read several, cause you know, I go there obviously for like, uh, porn and sex culture and prostitution and things like that. Frankfurt, right? Isn't that your favorite spot? Where? Didn't you say Frankfurt was your favorite? One of the best places, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I forgot, uhm, it's, it's in, it's in the building, so it's now open in public. Uhm, in Belgium and Netherlands, it's like one of those open door, open window, so you see prostitute, but uhm, I much prefer inside the building. So there's a building that you know to go to? Go in, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll protect them better. I'm, I'm a little concerned with uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Netherlands and Belgium places like that, even though they, they protect them very well. Just open in public with cameras and stuff. I don't, I'm just not sure about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you go, you go in and quite often you have to go, uhm, stairs to the second floor and, uh, usually they're between four to five floors and each floor have multiple doors with a prostitute in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's no madam in, uh, in, uh, Frankfurt. There are madam in Athens. It's a different system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you, you, you know where the red light districts are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you pick your lady? Oh, uh, because usually if the doors are closed, that usually means there's no one there or they're busy with the customer. And if the door is open, usually a girl is sitting on the chair standing in front of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so, and I think if you're going to do something like that, it's important to talk to them about how much it is, how long it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how low is 20 euros to 50 and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, yeah, I guess so. Pussy too, but uhm. Right. But you're like, daddy's hungry. I don't say daddy, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did this medical study and they always check my blood.


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[Assistant] Only reason I qualify because it's completely clean. It's unbelievable. That is so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was losing hair. I'm not joking. I was losing hair three years ago. I don't know what, what I took. It's all that pussy you eat for sure. It's gotta be the drug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean anal cost more, and uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It depends on the girl. Everything is negotiable. But when I was in Athens, I was kind of shocked because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl just let me put in a vagina without a condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was 20 euros. Oh, 20 euros? It's so cheap in Athens. Cool. No, and where did you meet this? There's a true area, like, where uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a ghetto section in Athens where the hookers are 10 euros, that's like 12, 13 dollars. Jesus Christ. And rich areas like 20 euros, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how many times I went to the 20 euros like only Greeks only and they'll kick me out because I'm not white Greek or something. Are you serious? I'm very serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm guessing, sure. It doesn't bother me, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, were the girls being like, get out of here? Or was it like the... No, no, it's, it's, it's, in Athens, what's funny is my friend was working, it's not funny, but my friend was working refugee camp in Athens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was working in refugee camps. I went there and like, you know, donate, buy food and give talk about the kids or whatever. Fine. And during the day I was bored. It's like, I wonder what's sex industry like in Athens. I wasn't expecting any. It's pretty interesting. It's uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much, ever since 10 years ago with the financial crisis, you know, uhm, unemployment is very high still. Sure, yeaah. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, I go to prostitution, it's, it's, it's very different, like you, you see a girl that you like, the madam's there. Can I ask you this? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just googled, like, Red Light District Athens, and like, and I wasn't expecting, and there was one, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, uh, you go to this area, you go in, and, uh, there's a madam, and she said, they always say, they're like, oh no, I don't speak English, but they always say like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, fucking suck. Da da da. Normal sex, 20 euros or whatever. Okay. Then they'll bring the girl out and uhm, then you say yes or no and you don't want it, you just leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was really, really shocked by Athens. The quality of growth is just unbelievable. High quality. It's just amazing for 20 euros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it's the same price, other times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or they will add more money. And if you want bareback blowjob, then they'll say like it's 50 or 100, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm once again a dependent girl, but I think. Average. Probably 50 more or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, people got mad because I was pitching this travel idea and uh, originally, my travel show idea was starting in South Africa. I'm traveling all the way to Norway, and the only way I can move from one African country to another, I have to fuck one prostitute each time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I-I don't like these shows where the reporters say, I'm in X, Y, and Z, red light district, but I never had sex with them. Like, I don't wanna fucking listen to you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it wouldn't bother me if I'm getting blowjob from her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's very difficult for men to get it for a woman though, unless she's bleeding out of her body. And I know uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it just sounds really weird thing to say, but I know a lot of people with HIV and, uh, I have this conversation with them. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple who are both HIV positive and they have a child and she or he is HIV negative,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand it, but the mother nature have incredible ability to protect children and I know plenty of people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, but I have news for you, America. Men with HIV with a lot of money, they're still having sex with women, and they know they have, uh, HIV. So, uh, that doesn't mean that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're careful, you could have intimate meaningful relationship with somebody with HIV. You can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't leave. And uh, and you know what I hate is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of scratch though, it's a lot of scratch. I'm used to needles, it doesn't scare me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I hate is some fucking rookie getting, uh, like internship, getting a chance to practice and like, oh no, cause they don't, like they don't put the needle in the right spot. So they have to pull that out like almost like reverse parking in until they get the right nerve, you know? Jesus. And like, fuck, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Experience when we'll get in the first time, everything's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to do it. So it have to be, you know, sometimes uhm, somebody's offering you a job to you and you don't care. So only way, uh, you might take is you make some ridiculous like demand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not into sucking dicks and I'm not against anyone doing it. I got you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, are these people before 2012?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her face popped in my head for some reason, but I haven't seen her shit in like 2012, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in the right place. Walk us through it. This is like, almost like, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, focus. It's like a porn spilling bee. Yeah it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you could check IMDb, I'm pretty sure I've never seen her. Oh really? Well I don't recognize her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't know anything, I don't really pay attention since 2012, so. Wow. Well, what's the first letter? Just a guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Start with a J. Does she have a secondary name? Like, you know how the first one is? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even think of any porn girl with the name Jay right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only name popped up is Ariana Jolie, but that's not her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she was around my time. There's no excuse for that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God can't even tell if it's white or black, I would assume it's a white guy? Good, yes. European? Negative. Oh, wha- white ameri-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this six time male performer here at Manuel Ferreira?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, play it again, play it, don't. Oh, don't show it. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, that's fine. Bill Bailey, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this person American or European?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last, last, last guess. Is this a really big guy or a little, little white dude? Kinda tiny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I haven't watched anything by him. Okay. So I don't know him, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised he works because he... I don't know a lot about him, but he's really pushing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's no way I would've guessed him because I don't watch his stuff, but what I've been hearing from people is, uh, they call him, like, wannabe Max Hardcore type of movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I might have seen a couple of things, I didn't really care for his stuff, but uhm, okay. You don't have to, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to humiliate the girl. To have a nice scene, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when I used to listen, because you know, of course I'm comic first, but when I'm, when they tell me stuff like, they grab the girl's head,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it down the toilet, flush the toilet, and they all, all the guys like, that's hot, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking to myself like, guys, it's okay to like the girl. You don't have to do that shit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, and, and I think this is something you'll hear in that podcast, uh, last day of August.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta be careful because I'm trying to be fair with him, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your check depends on you having a good time or pretending you had a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're gonna pretend like everything's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a trick question? No, I'm just curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I like, I just saw True Detective Season 3. How is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic. It is? It went back to the classic form of Season 1. Highly recommended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's great. Uhm, Tom, you'll love the documentary on Ted, uh, Ted Bundy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I used to live in Tacoma, Washington. My uncle used to be an attorney there. So I have to go downtown and deliver documents to the court and sometimes have to deliver divorce paper, which is not fun. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying her neighborhood, kind of see. I saw her once walking out of the house, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's creepy. It's like, get the fuck, I just drove out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I understand why there's so many serial killers up in Pacific Northwest, because you're almost running out of the place to run. You're in the very corner of it. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, there's tons of them over there. And I think when he was fleeing from all the murders in Utah and Colorado and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had an option to just accept life sentence and he would have been, you know, but he, I think he was delusional. He really thought he could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last year and a half, people keep asking me, who's bigger sociopath, a psycho, you or Tom? I'm not joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's tough. Yeah. It's tough to sleep? Yeah, I, I do that. Uh, wow, you're very perceptive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the, I don't remember which podcast I said I need a place to stay, and my friend Ron, uh, you know, my friend, well, he's a friend now, but uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you could stay here for a couple days instead of being like four years. So that ended last July, so a lot of couchsurfing, you know. But it's really weird because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a way, I have so much freedom because as soon as I make money in medical testing, I go overseas, do shows in like Scandinavia and London. I mean, I don't make a lot of money, but I travel a lot and uhm, I don't really worry about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and uhm, you know, sometimes I'll say, I'm gonna go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go another city to do something, they'll send me money, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy sent me a couple hundred bucks because I said I want to go Denver in April because uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the 20th anniversary of Columbine shooting, so I wanna be, I wanna go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta be careful. Don't mistreat me for what I'm saying. But I'm helping my friend Alex Meyer. She's a writer in England. I'm helping him with the project.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just kinda curious to check out what, what was the scenario, read up on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in Denver last year, I went to see a New England Patriots play the Broncos. So I was there. So I went to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, John Benet Ramsey's home. I went to Columbine Shooting. I went to the Aurora Snow Theater, uh, Aurora Movie Theater. But most important, I went to Greeley, Colorado, the, the, the, the, the very place where modern terrorism started. So I went there and check it out. Uh, where? Greeley? Colorado, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened was, there was this mullah, uh, this political dissident from Egypt. He was, uhm, they were trying to get him in Egypt, so he fled. He was visiting the United States in the 50s. And uhm, he was so offended by young people dancing with each other in Greeley, Colorado. And he became...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hated America because of that pop culture and things like that. So he wrote his experience living in the United States in Greeley, Colorado, and he became the father of modern terrorism. He's the figurehead for Al Qaeda, Egyptian Brotherhood, ISIS and things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing a show in Brooklyn, uh, at the platform this Saturday, 8.30pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1170 Bushwick Avenue. This is when? This Saturday? This Saturday, yeaah. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go see Yoshi. Yes. And uhm, I don't want to put you in the spot, but it'll be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I could do a guest part of one of your shows, uhm, I'll be around, but uhm, that- you're doing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, when you're doing Tempe and when you're doing Vegas. Tempe! Uhm, that's, those two shows are between my birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I do, sorry, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be in Boston Sunday, so if, if there's a place I could watch the Super Bowl, let me know. And then, I wanna, I wanna thank my friend, uh, Mari, Ravi, Chris, Evil Angel, they were very kind to me, and it's nice that they're,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna thank my friend Johnny Dark or Evil Angel. They're very kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And Adrian Cicic. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See what a real tour best champ does to hold down the title. From the shooting deaths of two African Americans at a Kentucky supermarket to the killing of 11 worshipers at a Pittsburgh synagogue.


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[Assistant] So Philly, fill her up Delphia. I'm on my way bros. I'm leaving on Thursday. I'm gonna see you guys December 7th. Fill her up Delphia. Some tickets left on that Friday late show. The first one is sold out. Uh, what was that damn Friday late show, right Jeans?


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[Assistant] It never stops. Jew dork titties, uh, like literally maybe 20 tickets left.


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[Assistant] Literally 20 tickets left on December 8th at the Gramercy Theatre in Jude Ork Titties. January 10th, I'm here in the main room at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. January 31st through February 2nd, Denver at the Comedy Works.


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[Assistant] February 28th, Madison, Wisconsin, the Comedy Club on state. And then Mini Apple Tits, April 4th through 6th. And then we're looking at May at the Tempe Improv, Tempe.


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[Assistant] And I'm waiting on a date to reschedule the Siloam, Siloam falls date that I had to cancel due to the fires. The crying tour, right? Anyway, uh, this is the writer day tour. Thank you to everybody that's already come out and I look forward to seeing you very soon. Christina P online for ticket links. Thank you, Jesus. Bye.


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[Assistant] I gotta switch, cause that's for readings, and then this is just a general.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and nothing makes me happier if you want to get me any gift anytime than a velour tracksuit.


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[Assistant] I'm jealous, I kinda, I want one. The problem with the ladies' versions is they always make them too tight.


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[Assistant] Not full, full velour. I just- No! You know why I felt like it was time you were ready for it? Why?


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[Assistant] I don't know, I feel like now that you're a dad, you're a father of two, you're officially in dad mode. I've been in dad mode.


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[Assistant] I fart loudly a lot in public. I can't hold them in anymore after two children.


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[Assistant] Cause I, you know, when you have a vaginal birth, it kind of loosens everything up.


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[Assistant] So I'm going to post the photographs on my Instagram, TheChristinaP, so you guys can see what I'm dealing with.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I do. The Christina P- because Christina P- was taken.


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[Assistant] Any hoodles. I was relaxing last night. You always did this to me when I'm like having my glass of wine, I'm chilling down. You come downstairs and you're like, you're bald. You look like Bruce Willis. And I'm like, what the fuck did you do to yourself?


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[Assistant] Cause, you've been cutting your own hair with your clippers.


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[Assistant] Oh I see, so what's happening is, I don't mind that you're cutting your hair short, it's just that you're doing it, like you said, impulsively in poor lighting at night. So you're not, you're missing a lot of spots, you're not really doing a good job. Yep.


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[Assistant] Why not wait? Cause Alan's coming over tomorrow. He's gonna be in your house and he can do your hair properly.


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[Assistant] I'm also gonna post that on Instagram on TheChristinaP. You guys can see what I saw.


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[Assistant] Can you clean me up? And I'm like, A, no, because the lighting's terrible. It's nighttime. B, I'm already a little bit.


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[Assistant] Uh, three, I don't cut hair professionally. I can't do anything better than what you're doing.


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[Assistant] Do you want to know why? Why? Because every time you ask me to do it, I've already been drinking or it's bedtime and you're pulling me out of bed.


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[Assistant] You pulled me out of bed last time. Eight months pregnant to do it. Nine months pregnant. And then you got mad at me that I didn't do a good job.


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[Assistant] I was tired, I was almost asleep, and you're like, come trim my hair.


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[Assistant] I go and I look at your head and I see it in the dim bathroom light.


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[Assistant] Right, but still it's bad enough. And I take a photo, chunks, just long chunks, patchy.


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[Assistant] And then, I'm looking at your beard, even now, and it's not good.


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[Assistant] I gotta be honest because listen, just listen, it's patchy as fuck on the sides.


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[Assistant] And then what, and then you left a Brussels beard, like a Schnauzer beard, down here. So this is, it looks like a goatee. It looks good, is what it looks. It looks like you cut a goatee on your beard.


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[Assistant] Now how the fuck did you do this? You did this with your dog clippers? Same thing. With your head clippers? You do this with your beard?


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, I'm, uh, telling Alan to clean that beard up. You really fucked that shit up.


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[Assistant] Yes, Joe, you've got the, it's like long schnauzer beard in the front. My flower, my everything.


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[Assistant] Me and you yesterday. I ca- I can't stop thinking about him.


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[Assistant] I can't stop thinking about Joe. Good morning, Julia!


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[Assistant] Let me, first of all, my husband is very humble and sweet. Let me tell you what my husband really is saying.


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[Assistant] That when the Oak Park shooting happened.


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[Assistant] And then the fires happened. It was horrible. And my husband bought out.


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[Assistant] A theatre so that people could go see Instant Family. You bought up all the tickets so that we could...


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[Assistant] About our show and the people who listen to us.


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[Assistant] There's nothing that compares. There's so much fun. We have a common, we have a common target here. It's so fucking amazing.


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[Assistant] It's just, it's relentless. Fans of the podcast, I listen to Troll, Garth Brooks, they're starting to pick up.


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[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. I can see you use your lung disease as an instrument. Maybe even play machines within for the mommies. It only takes four strokes.


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[Assistant] So he's been promoting that CBS concert that aired on Sunday night.


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[Assistant] And let me just say it was the most unnatural video. Do you have that one? Can you pull that one up?


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[Assistant] Garth Brooks is undoubtedly talented and he makes millions of people happy with what he does. We're not crapping on this guy.


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[Assistant] But what kills me is the fake, the fake humble pie of it, like, we're gonna


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[Assistant] And the thing is too, like, doesn't he have other highly successful songs other than I've Got Friends? Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] That's the same joke over here. Yeah, I've got friends.


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[Assistant] No, it's just no one. It's Magnum underscore meme. Okay, my bad. On Instagram.


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[Assistant] This guy is familiar. He's the same guy that did the good morning Julia, and he was all battered up. Remember the black guy?


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[Assistant] Right, you have to like country it, or his country. And then I see that he has, uh, girls and like...


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[Assistant] You think, yeaah, well. For sure! Puerto Ricans too.


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[Assistant] Oh, gotcha, okay. I thought we were claiming racially that they had the best game.


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[Assistant] Yeah, don't send it to my personal email too, stuff for the show, cause I'm not gonna.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think, here's a deal. And here's why. I'm just wanting to challenge it a little bit.


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[Assistant] Cause here's the difference, I find that like when I was a single lady, like I'd be walking through a parking lot just at like the grocery store.


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[Assistant] And a black dude would yell at me from like, across the parking lot. Like, what's up girl? And like, what's up red? Or whatever, I gotta have red hair or whatever your hair color is. That's how they would yell at you. Sure.


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[Assistant] And then they start talking shit, like how, you know, across a parking lot. The Latino guy might, Latino guy might.


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[Assistant] There's like, there's also rotten parts there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the whole thing. The whole thing made me upset. It's a joke. I think you and I are traditionalists in that sense.


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[Assistant] Instead of like flip-flops, I know sometimes people wear flip-flops, like it's a beach wedding, that's different.


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[Assistant] Yes, but let's just say we've attended a ceremony where-


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[Assistant] It was an indoor daytime affair.


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[Assistant] And everyone else, I would say that the, uh, the audience was dressed more, dressed better than the groom.


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[Assistant] You wanna get something else on? I gotta tell you, the grossest is, uh, flip-flops in New York City. When you see people...


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[Assistant] Right, walk in the streets and you're like, dude, this shit is nasty, like there's fucking plague on the ground pretty much.


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[Assistant] That puke lined with vomit and garbage and you're walking around pretty much barefoot almost. There's a very thin barrier.