[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I remember doing that too. I did, I think I did either Conan or, and I was still had a day, like I still was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Temping or something. Yeah. And then you're just like, what if someone comes up and goes, hey, were you on cone? Like you just think that's going to happen and then no one ever does. Never does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why comedy's, comedy's a great humbling, uh, I think, I think comedy's almost,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, should I think out of art, I guess if you call art forms, we always, I mean the fact that we don't even feel stupid calling it an art. But it's like, comedy is that kind of, it's like humbling because it's like either joke works or doesn't. And then just people don't care. And then you're like, you just think you're this thing and then it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Alright, we're good? Yeaah, absolutely. Uh, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, uh, so, uh, this is, uh, July 4th week when this comes out. I got a little birthday in my, our family. Happy birthday, Harper. All right. So, uh, yeah, 10 years old, which is, uh, just nuts. And, uh, so what are we doing that? And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, Bend, Oregon, Jacksonville, Oregon, uh, July 15th, July 17th in Hawaii. I think July 22nd, 23rd in Maui and Honolulu. Uh, go to the website, natebargetsy.com. All the stuff's there and all this, you know, more touring will be popping up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, check Bates out on his website. Uh, and yeah, that's it. We love you. Uh, happy 4th of July. See you next week. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate Land is produced by Nate Land Productions and by me, Nate Bargetzi and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nateland Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, I'm like, alright. You know, I give a- How you doing? Alright. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be the way to go. Just laying down and you come up and just my hands there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever have spiked, like, you had blonde hair, do you ever spike it up? A little bit, yea, spiked. Actually, my senior photo, I have a little spiked blonde hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shared a picture of me at a Talladega race when I was like 10. So it's probably 92 and two guys identified themselves in the photo that followed me on Facebook. And then I looked them up and I was like, Oh, that is those dudes. Wow. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, they were older than me. They were like grownups and I was 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got like a, maybe I'll have a whole James Gregory thing going on. You know what I mean? Where you just, they just, fans just stick with you for ages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legit, like this is all a charade. I think so. I think sometimes people think I make up. I mean, because, you know, my trailer park life wasn't so hard. Like some people, like some people tell me their trailer park stories and I'm like, oh, okay. Well, mine wasn't like that. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like we had, you know, a washer and dryer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we had a phone that other people would come over and use. Yeah. You know, we had that going on. Yeah. You were the new money. Yeah. Of the trailer part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like to say, you know, I was the rich kid of the trailer park. We had stuff, I had like a, you know, a Nintendo with several games. Oh wow. That was probably a big deal. People would come over and play and they would have, you know, an Atari. Was it put in the newsletter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you sitting next to? That's my sister. Okay. Yeah. And then my cousin's there with the, uh, things hanging off his glasses. Yeah. Right there? Yeah, yeah, that's my cousin. He shot, that's the guy that shot me with a BB gun when I was five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who took that. I guess my mom was probably there. Well, where did you get it? My sister gave it to me. Okay. The one that's sitting next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, yeah, I mean, I don't know who's behind this guy, but there will could be a relative or someone I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were just dr- I mean they would drink so- they would be empty in coolers all over the place after the race. I mean it was- To sit and watch something and have your sh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a great picture. Yeah, the guy in all white there with a towel around his neck. I mean, that guy's like, I'm not taking my shirt off, but I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you just don't. Oh yeah. Yeah. I haven't drank in 10 years. And when I was drinking though, I could be a ton of fun, but also a real mess of a not fun person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nowadays, they're like, I mean, I tell doctors things, they go, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you sending it to? How are we getting more blood? You know, what about that? Yeah. It's like, I went to a doctor one time. I told him I was burping a lot and he goes, well, you can breathe in this bag and we'll send it in and see if you have whatever. And then he calls me and he goes, Hey, congratulations. You don't have that. And I'm like, well, I'm still burping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a, I don't know, it was some sort of a, I don't know, it felt official.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got something that can numb that elbow to keep it from taking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like if you, if you, you're like alright, now you've created something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love that that's right there. Always wondered, can animals be left or right pawled?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems pretty. Seems like a lot to shorten. You know, a lot of people go Mike for Michael, but I mean, you could go, you could go Angelo, Angel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, and I don't think we really know how the employer will choose to pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you pay your people the bare minimum, then you're going to get bad employees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody told me March of Dimes, they call it that because only 10 cents of every dollar goes to help people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I... 30% is not that generous. I was gonna say. To a guy that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I used to work with a guy and he would say when he would take cab rides, he would say, I got $5 for you. Every time you talk to me, I take a dollar away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Was that you? No, it was not me. I'm the guy that talks to people the entire time. Every ride I'm in, every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you sing it every time you go 61586, you know, you really get into it, whatever it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I did, uh, it was a comedy zone in North Carolina. I don't remember which one. I don't even know if it's open anymore, but it was, Kurt Green was the headliner, played guitar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and, uh, terrible shows. He did fine. Uh, I bombed, but it was a nice hotel and it felt, uh, it felt good. I mean, I drove so far that I probably made no money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I got paid $2.70 that weekend for four shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think the club even hated giving me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't all my fault though, it was a bad club, you know, and I feel like, and there was nobody there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not against that. And if there were ever a big key shortage, you would have a valuable asset. Do you know how many you have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to journal a bit when I was a drinker and you could always tell when I was drunk. Like I would be really angry and I didn't want to forget what had happened to me so I would write it and it would be just so sloppy and so mad looking and then the next day you're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or, or yeah, or you're writing, uh, yeah, I mean, I just think it's to, to write, uh, so and so's dad passed away. It's like, that's a, uh, I dunno, it's a weird thing to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister did a thing where she got like all mad about her, her grandmother died and she posted on Facebook. Not your grandmother either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, and she posted on Facebook that, oh, I, I, I, nobody could send me the details of my grandma's funeral and then her, her cousin got all mad at her and it was like, I thought that is, I thought somebody does send you some details. Let you know what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is true. I mean, it's like, yeah, I mean, you just go, they just come in, do whatever they want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, I love hotels. I mean, I, I, what, for a long time I lived in an attic apartment with, uh, it was very uncomfortable and hotels would be better than my own house. Yeah. And I was like, I loved even a raggedy hotel. I'm like, this is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've been, I've been like, what's some, some of the worst hotels you guys have been in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it a bad hotel though, or just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super 8 is not a place that you wanna be. I don't like Super 8. I guess there could be a good one, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, when I was younger, I used to steal the towels all the time. Like, that was the thing. It felt like you go to the hotel and it's like, that's what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I used to rake in all the shampoos and soaps. I was like, oh, and then I'm like, well, I gotta draw it. I think a lot. It is a lot, but it's like, why? Why are we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The driest you've ever been in your life. I did a club in Columbus, Georgia and they put me at a hotel like that, doors to the parking lot and the towels were like sandpaper. Sorry, I know this exact hotel. The coffee pot. I don't know why I thought I was going to make coffee, but it was just a shell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just, there was no mechanical things inside of it. And then there were two hand towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that that EconoLodge? I think so. I don't remember what, but it was, yeaah, connected to whatever the loft was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've stayed at that hotel twice and it's, uh, I mean, there was like a guy hanging out of his door, like all night, halfway out. Like I felt like he was like, you know, looking for the drug deal or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it a little bit shady. You know what I mean? Like I want people to be okay with me smoking cigars outside, but not, you know, joining me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a hotel is too fancy, I'm like, I don't even want this. Put me next to the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the thing about that hotel was the guy running the front desk, real hip, young dude, and the front desk, very nice. They hadn't really fixed it. Oh, they do, yeah. But once you leave that front and go to the back, I mean, it just gets worse the further you go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Like even walking around? Yea. Do you get a real big one or a little one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, uh, what are those, uh, cloves? Yeaah. I'm not trying to go with clove.


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[Assistant] I always wondered could soap be dirty, right? Cause you have a bar of soap, but if you give it a once over. Yeah, Jay Moore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in the pesticide world, we used to sell bed bug killer. And so we would have these annual meetings and some of these real, uh, insane guys would bring their own bed bug killer with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Then they're just kinda dead. But it's a reminder to any new bedbugs that come along. They're like, oh, this, this is happening before. We're not afraid of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Myrtle Beach, we used to sell a ton of bedbug killer. Yea. I mean, a ton of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was not in Hilton head. I saw somebody mentioned they were in Hilton head. No bed bug killer down there. Oh wow. Didn't move. Very nice.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think that you get older, you just start to care about stuff. Like you're like, I don't want to, there's no need to waste it. You're like, I don't care and it ain't going to hurt me, but I don't want to waste it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I feel about staying in, like letting people come in to clean the room, right? We're just assuming everybody's trustworthy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, before I had a laptop, I would take, uh, I had a Macbook, or I had a Mac, uh, I don't know what you call it, but, uh, a real computer. Yeah, that I would take. Like a desktop. Yeah, and then set it up in there. Yeah, cause I could get work done, but I didn't have a laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's hard, like I've been to hotel, I've been to so many bad hotels, been to hotels where they're like, oh, the elevator's not working this weekend. Oh yeah. I just had that with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are pretty rough on an escalator, I bet. Cause people just get on there and they just stand. No, no, I think the rough ones. The walking sidewalks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to go as fast as possible. I find it like so fun to pass people. I mean, it's like a game for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I always thought that was so that they couldn't hide stains.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's a murder scene. Something like that. But I don't, yeah, I think that's it though. If you have blue towels, navy blue towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I'm saying. That would be rough. Yeah, black sheets, black towels, you'd be like, you're hiding something.


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[Assistant] There's one in, uh, it's called Newport News, Virginia and it's a, like a townhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's an older lady, she lives on the bottom floor. There's no bedroom on the bottom floor. She sleeps in a recliner. Uh, she lives downstairs and then upstairs is the two bedrooms that you stay in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, the last time I was there, it was like, it's like they stopped updating it in 1985, VCRs up there, the bed, you talk about an imprint, it's sunk in, no wifi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just come in and say hey to this lady like it's your grandmother every time. And she just sleeps in the living room. It feels like elder abuse, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't watch TV down there? No, well, I guess you could if you wanted to watch with her. If you wanted to hang out with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you'll come down there, but it's so strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you go, hey, I'm here, she goes, alright, and then that's really about it. There was one in the Outer Banks of North Carolina where the two people that booked the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was their house that you stayed at. So you stayed there with them and you're downstairs and they're above you in like a loft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So every time the phone rings for somebody to try to make a reservation, which was not that often, uh, you would hear the guy answer the phone. His dog's tail would hit the floor. It was like knocking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. That's what I said too. You got, the whole show is in a hotel conference room. Yeah. And I'm staying with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Why does that, that doesn't make sense. I don't know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, not to their room, to my room you can. Oh, okay. But it's like, but it's still, you can hear everything and every time you go out of the room, they're like in the kitchen. Hey, how's it going? Like the guy had a stroke, but he's like bumming cigarettes off the feature the whole time. And I'm like, this doesn't seem right. And then they had a deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the next year I did it, they were Airbnb in half the house. So the deck went to the Airbnb people. So I wasn't even allowed out on the deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I was trying to, you know, uh, figure out a way to be helpful. You know, like I was trying to volunteer my time, but I didn't, I didn't know if there was money involved, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was walking through this church fair and it just didn't seem like anything was interesting to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. Just too much of a problem. Yeah. They don't know what I'm up to. Yeah, it's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, does this room have bed bugs? Does it have a Bible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny to live somewhere for years and then go like to look for a cup and open the wrong cabinet. It's like, why you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on that you're opening? Why you think cups are in here? They've never been in here. I just moved them all around at my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this. It's brand new. It is true. And in the trailer, you know, trailers, uh, you know, you got a living room slash kitchen thing going on. So we would put the couch sometimes to where it made that divide. And then other times you open it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I may, yeaah, I may check it out, I may go some places with you and then say that I'm not gonna go there. You know, I'll be like, go to Target and then I'll go, you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and take off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's finally worth your time. It took 10,000. Well, it just looks good. To have the little letter in there feels good. And it just, you know. The 10.3K. 10.3K, yea. Like that letter, the letter K. The letter K, yea. It feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope that guy Concrete can come. You remember that guy? He was out showing her. Oh my god, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Capitalized pod too. I appreciate that. I appreciate it as well. Actually, it's Michelangelo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, that's great. Who are you working with? Henry Cho. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot of, you know. Fog it out. Then they're just dead in your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember seeing that. I did look into it. Yeah, he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has your TikTok blown up at all since we? Oh, I blew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Yea, well we all got our own league. Oh yea? Alright. Yea. Do I have one? Yea, well there's Aaron Land right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he bet $340,000. So that's what he makes? With his buddies. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say throw in, he's not allowed water, I'll take the bat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello folks, welcome to the Nate Land podcast. Uh, firstly, if, uh, thoughts and emotions are piling up a fresh, fresh


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, let's go folks. Welcome to the Nate Land podcast. Like we said, we're sitting here with, uh, I almost said iron Weber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aaron Weber, Brian Bates, and we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The intern. Cool. It's good to be back. Yeah. People demanded for you to be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've made a choice on where you're going to go to college. Uh, and no one knows this choice. Your parents know, I guess, right? I told them. You at least told them. You make them find out here. Uh, we do not know. We got, uh, as you can see, the hats are on the table. If you're listening, we have a lot of hats on the table. Uh, a few of these, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can see, like, uh, you know, what is this one? What's that first hat right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a great, great place. We've been at this place. Uh, and are you going to, we can ask now, are you going to go full time at Bucky's? You don't even work there part time. It's a possibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe still do it. It's a growing company. Okay. So, but this is not the college choice. No. But if it doesn't, college doesn't work out and if you don't end up going, this is probably where you're going to be. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd say save the hat. I'd say save it just so your first day, you at least can, you know, you're like, at least, it's one less bother. If you go into the interview of Bucky's, you wear this hat and they're like, oh, thanks for it. And you go, yeah, absolutely. It was one of my college choices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go through this hat. You know what this one is? I don't. So this is my high school. So Donaldson Christian Academy. Uh, we have a golf tournament, uh, I think next week. And if you want to go back to high school, this is as far as I made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my peak, this is my college, and there's nothing wrong with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so if you don't want to go to college, this is the symbol for that. If you want to stand against colleges. Do you want to make that stand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta decide right now. Right now? It's either you don't go to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. You didn't even hear me out. You don't, you go back to DCA. You go to my high school and you look, you're older. They'll probably let you start teaching there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can probably get you teaching. Maybe a decent parking spot. That's a big deal. Get paid to go to school? Maybe. Probably get paid. Alright. I thought it was a good option. So we also have, oh, we have this one too. Chick-fil-A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another solid job. Yep. It's like Bucky's. This is a great place to work. And this is all your kind of not college choices. Are you Chick-fil-A? Would you work there? I could see myself there. You could see yourself there in about 10 years. Do you currently have a job? I do. What do you do now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. That's fun. You know, so if that, you like that, that's a fun job, right? Just sit there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Chick-fil-A, it's their worst case where when you go order food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In college, maybe you get a, you need a job. Chick-fil-A is a good job to have. It depends on where you're going to choose. So this looks like we're now to some, uh, some real choices here. So, uh, we have Vanderbilt, obviously I'm a giant fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would have been a great choice. It'd been near your parents. They would have liked that. And then, uh, you could have just kept doing this podcast for us instead of leaving us, which would have been good. You know, Vanderbilt being an intern at this podcast, I think helps you get into Vanderbilt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I guess I'm not going to throw it on the ground. So now we're down. So we got four choices here, or three, and then hand me that one. Obviously, Notre Dame. Aaron. There you go. Dumb one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't come from Notre Dame royalty where he can, just anybody can get in. You got, your family's been going there from years and years and years. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Notre Dame's used to be a solid school. So, oh, so here's the choices. We got Clemson, Auburn, Alabama, and Texas. Right? So if anybody wants to, you want to take a, take a shot in the dark, we'll give you four choices of what you're choosing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clemson. Clemson came out of nowhere. I've not heard any rumors about Clemson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, you know, the quarterback talks and so I have not heard anything about Clint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Solid. Joining the SEC, so y'all, your parents will see you when they complete Vanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's good. Uh, alright, so my choice, so I know you went down to Alabama. I know we all went to Auburn. Uh, I think you liked Auburn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clipson surprises me. I didn't know anything about it. Maybe I did know. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I will, to, to mix it up, see if we can get it, I, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go with Auburn, just cause I remember we went there, it's down here, uh, you know, you like, you like the drive down there, it's a fun school, uh, you know, so, uh, Cole, uh, go ahead and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pick away. Take one away. What's one that you're not going to? I'll take Texas away. Oh, there we go. Boom. It's a little too far for me. A little too far. Okay. Great program though. Great program. Great program. Yes. Uh, so we, you want to take, uh, one more away. Take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clemson's out. Congratulations. Congratulations. I was right. We went to Auburn, went to game down there. You loved it down there, didn't you? It's a good, it's not a crazy drive. It's far enough from your parents, but close enough to you, which is a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's what you want. You want to get, I want to get far enough away, but you still need to do laundry. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. No, but if you, but I think it's my buddy P, Jeremy Marl. He's, uh, he does accounting. He loves it. People that like, they, they, if you like numbers and you like that kind of thing, it's, I think people really like it. And it's like, that's your world. I don't think people know what accounting is. I don't, you know, I don't know. Do you know a lot of tax stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's why I don't know it. I have a joke about, and I not knowing taxes and it's, I didn't go to college and I would have learned all these tax stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, dude, congratulations. It's a great choice. You're going to have fun down there. We're going to come to a game. We're going to watch everybody. Cole will be at Auburn. So make sure you go down there and say hello to Cole at Auburn. When do you start?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like early August, I think. Did you already like, submit? What do you have to do? You have to call them and say, I'm going to go do this hat thing in front of them? Is this how they will find out? Yea, they're going to watch it. I'll send them the link. Yea, send them the link, let them know.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I could. Do they know? Does your school know? Does your high school know? I've told my friends, yea. Oh, just close friends. But now you're telling the world, the world, the whole world, the whole world's listening to this. Cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's see what is, let's see what is how his first semester goes. I don't know how much, you know, I don't think you want people to be like, why is your dad's friend emailing, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so go get a college education, come back, help us more. Alright. Alright. Congrats, Cole everybody. Auburn University.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cole's like unbelievably smart. Uh, that's awesome. That's, you know, it's fun. You know, I felt like I didn't get to make a choice. So there you go. I felt. That is a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. That's a, yeah. Seven hats. All the choices in the world. Yeah. Uh, that's great. Uh, all right. Welcome everybody. Uh, we're going to start off, uh, as we always do with, uh, your guys' comments. Thank you for writing in. We always appreciate it. Uh, first up, Rusty Green. I know Rusty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this episode was my all time favorite. Having three of you together again was such a joy to watch. Getting a behind look at the Grammys was fascinating with Laura as a guest. Taking time at the end to talk about Brian and the birth of Eleanor was the cherry on the top. Coming from a long time fan, the whole episode was a full of last special moments, five stars. Wow.


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[Assistant] Uh, kind of do this. Rusty, I think you came to shows like real early. Like when I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe in Chicago, like, I mean, like super, super early.


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[Assistant] You know I'm from here? Uh, no, from there. From Chicago? Yeaah. Like, and from friends, and so they're that way.


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[Assistant] The great job, gentlemen, and thank you for being one of the reasons I'm able to not only stay sane during this crazy time, but to laugh through you guys through it. That's very nice. Insult to me. I hope we all feel warm and fuzzy about that. Bonnie Paragoy. Right, right, right? Yea. Paragoy.


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[Assistant] I was a little frustrated with how long it took the guys to acknowledge how fantastic Laura looked in the pictures.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Well, I mean, I said she looked... I mean, I said it a ton that day. Uh, I don't know if she wants me just...


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Laura, you're so hot. Her photo's turning me on. Yeah, she looked terrific. I was glad everybody got to see the pictures. It was, uh, yeah, she looked awesome. And it was very, very beautiful. And hot. And, you know, but yeah. Uh, I'm glad y'all didn't, you know, harp on it.


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[Assistant] Kid Nurse 1970. Hello folks! Not nine minutes in and Nate has blessed us with an expenditure. Please do an episode on the Pepsi Jet.


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[Assistant] Finally, you were robbed at the Grammys. You're easily one of the best in the game and deserve that win. Well, thank you very much for that.


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[Assistant] I'm going to, I'd like that clip pulled aside for all the, Nate, you're too mean to Brian.


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[Assistant] Did he get any money? No. Why don't they at least give him


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[Assistant] I don't know man, I, I kinda like, it's almost like, I like the idea, uh, they should have to, they should have to give this guy this. I agree. Cause it's like, you wanna go like, well you got caught, a guy called you out, and so you got caught. You don't have to give him.


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[Assistant] Don't give them a fighter jet. Even if you're like, we're not going to give you 33 million, we got caught. But like, here's a million dollars. Like, you know, or something. Just be like...


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[Assistant] You got caught. You didn't, you didn't like, you know, give it up for the dude that got it. Like that's insane.


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[Assistant] How does no one think that? You know? Give them some, I mean, they give them free Pepsi?


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[Assistant] They should have paid for all, I mean, it's, uh, I don't agree with.


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[Assistant] How? I don't think right now he would get, I think they would have to give him something.


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[Assistant] This is where they made their money off of this. Promising fighter jets to kids, you know.


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[Assistant] There, uh, but I think, I don't, I think nowadays I don't think he would, I think he'd get money.


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[Assistant] Because there's, with social media, there's so much pressure on the companies. Back then, I mean, what was that? That was 2007?


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[Assistant] No, it was earlier than that. It was like 96 or something. So back then you had no shit, no one cares about you and no one even knows you're trying to do this. And so, but now with social media, I mean, you couldn't, you would just get ridiculed. I mean, people would just start doing it and they'd have to give them a fighter jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I was Pepsi, I would straight up give him a fighter jet. I would be like, I'm not going to give you the money, but I will give you a fighter jet. And then you have to deal with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it, I would drive it to his house and drop it off in his street and then I would leave and then go, yeah, man, congratulations. We didn't promise any other stuff and I would make it like Pepsi should be like, all right. All right. You're right. You're right.


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[Assistant] Maybe. We should try to find him. He's got his phone number. Good night.


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[Assistant] This guy's trying to live. I mean, you can't, you know, you can't, the problem is I think you're, with your age mixed with technology is no good because you know a white book really well. And so you take that in technology. Now kids try to like Google name, like they're going to get stuck pretty quickly.


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[Assistant] But the older folk that know how to do both, like baits, that's like, my whole life was finding people's phone numbers.


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[Assistant] Look at that. It's fun. So if you wanna Bates, if you wanna cameo from Bates, if you want a little too much info.


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[Assistant] You always, well, I don't know, I might spend, so like being like when you're up there, it's like the 10 or 60 seconds. I think that's everything. Like you, like, you know what, for jokes.


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[Assistant] I, I will stand beside, I'll stand by it. It depends on how they're going to react. If it reacts bad, it's going to be super quick. If it destroys, uh, oh, I said super quick to super fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to school with a girl named Isis. She joined the military and this photo was taken at her going away party before she got deployed to Afghanistan. Thought you might enjoy it.


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[Assistant] She just go up and they're like, who are you? She goes, I'm ISIS.


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[Assistant] Uh, shadow can, shadow champ. Hello folks. Just spent two days in Lebanon and wow, I can see what made bandana the way he is.


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[Assistant] You do really look, like if I saw you in a park, I would, I bet if you walked around a park.


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[Assistant] No, I'm just saying, even if you're that obvious that you don't, your face would still be like, I bet he works here.


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[Assistant] Carlos Scholl. Jared Leto's method acting actually caused the production of his new Morbius movie to be delayed. It was getting so bad that they had to push him in a wheelchair to shorten his bathroom breaks because his character has a disability.


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[Assistant] I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him. I'm not trashin' him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello folks, I totally understand a new dad making every mistake. When my son was born, we walked into the grocery store and when we grabbed the cart, my wife asked, where is Laramie? Laramie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was white as a ghost and realized I left my kid in the car. We rushed out to meet our content baby boy sleeping soundly.


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[Assistant] You'll be great parents, keep up the great work and thanks for entertain- entertaining this mailman.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. I mean that's a big fear, you leave it in the car.


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[Assistant] No, no, I remember the thing where you're going like, alright, you get to a point where you're running into a gas station, and you're like, I'm just going, or you pull up to like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just running there and going back. You're like, you start doing that and you're like, I'm just leaving it in the car for two seconds. And then, you know, but at first you don't and then you start doing it. But I, I, he's not a bad parent. I, that's got to, I mean, wild amount of parents can do that stuff. And when you first, when you're a new, you know, it is crazy. Like you, like you forget to, it's a thing that you got to get into the habit of getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I don't think you're, you know, I feel like you'll be sitting in the backseat with your kid. So...


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[Assistant] I mean, just move. I've never, I don't know. I just never, it's so funny to never have this and you are getting a full blown attack.


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[Assistant] Well then y'all are gonna get, you're gonna have a real snake one day and be like, come on, and then grab it.


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[Assistant] They're invited. Yeah, they don't care. They love it. Hawks flying down.


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[Assistant] Aaron being flabbergasted that someone from another country would travel to Maryland was the exact amount of geography knowledge I expected from Nate Land.


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[Assistant] If you're close enough to go to the Baltimore Aquarium, you're likely less than an hour from DC, also known as the nation's capital.


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[Assistant] You're Aaron land. You also have land. Merry land, Aaron. Merry land.


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[Assistant] This will be a Maryland podcast and I guess don't go listen to that cause Aaron doesn't think it's worth it. Uh, I will only vacation in Maryland. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pearl Jellum may very well be the world's tallest operatic tenor, but my brother-in-law has got to be Nate Land's tallest fan at seven one. My sister and he got married last year. She has five four and is standing on the seat in the car. PS he's an accountant. There you go.


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[Assistant] Oh wow. Oh, she's standing on the seat of the car. That's crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Seven foot one. That's tall. Yeaah. Wow.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's how like when I saw like Al, uh, I'm talking about Al Wilson in football. He's standing over like a Ford Explorer and he had his hands on the top of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it looked like, you know, like you just, he was like relaxing on a table, but it was like a Ford Explorer. And then, yeah, that's tall. Uh, congratulations on, uh, getting married. That's a cool car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, which one did you want? Let's just do this first one. Melody Trippett. I bought airline tickets and rented a house for the Nate Land live from Zanies. Then my boyfriend and I broke up. Now I have to try to find someone to go with me. I'm going to have to put up with them. I'm going to have to put up with them for four days. Melody Trippett.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants something to go with her. Uh, she got airline tickets and rented a house.


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[Assistant] So if anybody wants to go, I mean, but you, Melody, don't just take, you know, I don't want something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weirdo. Yeaah. Maybe Melody's the weirdo. Yeaah. And the other, maybe, you know what? How about the other three? Maybe go easy, cause you're like, well, what's Melody about? We don't know what anybody's about. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but Melody, you know, we'll get her, she'll reach out to you. We'll meet Melody at the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hopefully she finds, get some friends. You know, get some friends and, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find a new boyfriend, uh, it's next week. So you got to move moving quick, you know, just be like, ah, man, I think this has been going great. He's like, yeah, these past couple of days have been fun. Would you like to get married and go to the Nate landline from his aunties? I have a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For four days. Uh, see if you want to go do that. That's, uh, yeah, next week. Next week's the big live podcast. Also Mike Vecchione special. We are taping, uh, and I'm directing Mike Vecchione special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike was just with me this weekend. Mike's so funny. It's, it's going to be so good. If you like my comedy, if, you know, it's like, if you get the idea of what we're doing here, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's going to be, you will enjoy this and it will be, uh, uh, wonderful. Mike's an unbelievable comedian. I mean, I've been doing it for a very long time.


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[Assistant] Uh, and just seasoned and just, it's super fun.


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[Assistant] So go to Zany's, uh, 7, 9.30 show. I want to say, look, there's tickets, I think for both 7 might be close, 9.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but just come out to big help for us. It's the first thing, uh, I'm doing as Nate Land Productions and I'm happy to be, you know, I'm happy to start this venture off with Mike Vecchione. Something that I was like confident enough, like if it messes up, it will be my fault, not his fault. So that was, uh, I got a lot to prove. Uh, awesome. All right, folks, it's time for a little spring cleaning.


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[Assistant] Not your house, but your mental space. If you can have a few things going on, do not let them pile up until you are overwhelmed.


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[Assistant] To get high quality care. It's good to talk to someone if you're out there and especially during this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Covid time, you know, you can get lost in your own thoughts and, uh, that can send you down a wrong road. And if you get too far down that road, it's not a good thing. It's hard to get back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's private, secure. If thoughts and emotions are piling up, a fresh perspective can help you feel better. Match with your dedicated therapist today at TalkSpace.com and use promo code Nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During sign up to get a hundred dollars off your first month, that is $100 off at talkspace.com promo code Nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, is that the main thing you ask?


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[Assistant] Like you just go, they go, no, this sounds great. Uh, I know you're looking at me. Do you want to know how much I weigh? And the guy goes, we don't do that. Here you go. You take your hat off. You go, you guys self apply it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but, but like you're, as we, you know, we make fun of you. I make, we, I make fun of you a lot, uh, about it. But I mean, I make fun of you cause you've lost so much weight. It's insane. But like, so now, I mean, I don't, you're, even then you're, you're a big dude. Like, uh,


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[Assistant] I don't think you would ever weigh under 200, right? Like, I mean, I don't know, unless you got like ridiculously skinny.


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[Assistant] And I don't think you ever would, I mean like, you're tall, you're just a big guy, like it's like, uh, I would imagine 200 would even be healthy or is it, I'm sure the thing might say under, cause they always say like something crazy.


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[Assistant] It would be insane. Yeah. Uh, I would still do the fat stuff though. I'd commit to it. You know, we're already in too deep.


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[Assistant] I do like the idea of an insurance person come over and he just sees you and he's like, no, we don't ask, but then he's trying to figure out your weight and then he's just like, you just film, like at one point he just tries to pick you up and you're like, what are you doing? He goes, I thought something dropped, I dropped something and he's like,


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[Assistant] Could you turn around for a second? That's what they write. They go, when you try to grab them.


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[Assistant] They don't have a number though. That's marked in. They went farther. And he's just like, Hey, Aaron, you ever been skydiving? Yeah. Yeah. Do you have to pay extra? And they ask you just those. They can't, we can't ask what your way is. Uh, we can beat around the bush. Southwest. You bring your own belt.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I, I, yeaah. Being in, trying to figure out the way without being able to ask would be...


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[Assistant] Eleanor is going to be drafted, vibrancy turns 18. And he's like, what? She's off to war.


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[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, I just usually say, I go, say that one more time. Sorry. Uh, I was thinking about the earlier thing. You like say something like that, then they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but she's on team U. So, we just explain it one more time and then, you know, and then it could be, you do that.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you can tell because of the zoom connection. My wife's a woman, so she's not getting it all. But could you tell her one more time? You just insult her and just keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, alright, was it a woman or a man telling you? It was a man.


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[Assistant] So this week, uh, we figured, uh, Easter is coming up and taxes are coming up. So we're going to talk about Easter and taxes, which is a fun combination. Everyone thinks about them together.


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[Assistant] That's when the Pope fills it out. He fills it out every year. So that's why sometimes they go to July. Cause the Pope just goes, I don't know, I'm just not feeling it yet. He goes about and that's like the groundhog.


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[Assistant] Six months to Easter. And you go, uhm, I already bought a basket.


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[Assistant] Is space, is space supposed to be this crazy thing? We already figured out quite a bit. We know where the moon's doing forever.


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[Assistant] I just watched the thing about like, what's going to happen to like, where will Earth be in like 10,000 years and five, you know, five million years, all this stuff. And they're like, I don't know, maybe this, that, all this crazy stuff. You're like, well, we know what the moon's up to. So why don't we just, you know, maybe buddy up with the moon and be like, well, you're a loser that doesn't do anything.


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[Assistant] So, you know, what are you going to, I'll be right here just hanging out. Yeah, there's a full moon. Like, is it, is it where it's where we're seeing it?


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[Assistant] Is that clouds? But it's like. Clouds don't count. See, I always thought.


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[Assistant] How long have you been off on clouds? So if clouds were covering it, I'd go well. You thought full moon just meant like there's no clouds in this guy?


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[Assistant] And so I would only, if I could see the moon and it was full, I would notice it and I only see it when there's no clouds. So I never counted it.


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[Assistant] With clouds or not clouds. Why would it really matter to me if there's...


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[Assistant] Someone wanted to do the Ethiopian calendar.


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[Assistant] Yeah. What is Ethio? Oh, Ethio encounters seven years behind? Where's that? In the question.


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[Assistant] And it was just seven, eight years of like, oh my gosh.


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[Assistant] Uh, he's like the Ethiopian. You're like, we're never going to get to the bottom of this. And they would leave until finally we all agreed. Ethiopian. And everybody go to the table. Ethiopian. Okay. We can start. How far back are we? Seven, eight years. I don't know what y'all been doing in this room.


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[Assistant] That's so funny. You're like, well, why don't we just get started and everybody can say it how they want to say it. They go, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not, we will start it when everybody can agree how we speak it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it took seven, eight years finally got through and they go, we're beginning. And they started a one. You're like, dude, the other places are so far ahead of us.


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[Assistant] They're at eight already and we look ridiculous and they go, do we?


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[Assistant] Oh yeah. Yeah, it's a big deal. Uh, so they just think it was a different time.


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[Assistant] The Notre Dame grad to come in and his whole education is just knowing what these words mean.


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[Assistant] I don't, I truly don't think I pay attention to, I don't, I think I'm, I'm day by day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, we didn't, no. I remember like Catholics doing it and it was always like, I guess, you know, it would be, but people did it like, I feel like it gets to like people just trying to lose weight or something. That's what it turns into. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm not against it, I almost wouldn't mind getting to Harper to do it, just to, just to like.


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[Assistant] You know, builds that kind of like, I don't know, self-control builds the, this is not about you. It's not about, you know, it's, you're giving something up that you like. Give up like cokes or candy or something like that. Or my dad. Y'all drink a lot of cokes at like seven, eight years old, six. A little older than that.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think I might have too, but it just, it is very funny to think like, yeah, and they don't want, no one wants you to drink any cokes now. And like back then you're like, I gotta give them up. Yeah, kids, five year olds have diet Mountain Dew.


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[Assistant] It's a big Catholic population that only eats at McDonald's.


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[Assistant] And they, McDonald's sales were just getting crushed on that Friday. So they go, we gotta come up with something.


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[Assistant] These people have a problem. They're not gonna, they're not not coming here. So let's give them another option.


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[Assistant] Is that big of a thing? Yea. There's a lot of Catholics. There's a lot. Yea. There's a lot. About a billion. Yea. That's crazy. I don't know how many. Is it the most?


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[Assistant] Y'all's party's a little bit more and it has to do weird stuff cause y'all is just maniacs. And then you have to go like, okay, give up all this stuff for this. And you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about you just live a reasonable life and not get drunk during church on Sunday?


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[Assistant] Would you ever, if y'all were lazy, just like put a match out at home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're, uh, yeah, I like that you, I would see a lot of people, like in New York, you just see it everywhere. They just walk around. But everybody knows, I mean, you just, then you see it so much that you're like, yeah, you're just not thinking about it. But Lebanon, yeah, you would have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, no. So you would have, yeah, you left here, you'd be like...


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[Assistant] Sounds the best, but I think you're going to do, I mean, is it like, uh, you know, like, hey, let's have some fun today.


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[Assistant] Put it back up between bites. Can we take them and eat? He goes, well just chew and if you don't mind.


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[Assistant] Okay. And then Catholics just like bought it almost.


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[Assistant] They're not anywhere, you know, like you, you, you don't see them or hear about them as much. And if they would have held on to this holiday on their own, they would have been.


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[Assistant] It fits, but I mean it fits cause there's no other way I would know.


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[Assistant] I think, I think I would have probably just assumed that


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[Assistant] What is, what is, what is a bunny? It just has the bunny? Yeah, burst it live. I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then so, oh yeah, that is interesting. Yeah. I thought they sat on them. Kept them warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so this was not even pagan. German just goes, Hey, we do this. Do y'all want to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So crazy, how do they spread and all this? Like just what German comes up and goes, ah, y'all do Easter? He goes, we do like bunnies and stuff. And he goes, oh man, we should try to do that. And I guess it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or you like it. You go, I like that. And you reference this and you start gathering it. But we're not introducing any more new stuff. Right? Like there's not, uh, someone going, what if we do, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad did a show, uh, once at the White House for Easter of Blue. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Sour Patches, but also those, those other gummy worms that are, are gummy bears. Haribo? Haribos that are the sour ones. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Losing weight, which by the way, I'm, I'm, well, I don't know where I'm at, but I'm probably close to 180.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's not a, but it's, it's, it's a flowers, it's chocolates, it's like kind of the same thing where Easter is you're getting skittles and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, gummy stuff and all that. I would have thought more people celebrated Valentine's Day than Easter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cause you don't have kids and like, uh, you think like Valentine's Day is like a big deal. You don't care about it at all? We don't even talk to each other on Valentine's Day. So that's the present.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always worked on Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is always a good day to work. Now people go out on dates, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually kids are not involved, and then so Easter's about children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's about, when you do something for, you know, when you buy something for your wife, like it's gonna be flowers, it's gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I mean, I'm not saying I would have known this for sure, but when you think about it, it's- It makes sense. It's just like, you go, if you go home and you go see all your, you know, there's grandkids and all this stuff, it's, it's a bunch of kids and like you're hiding eggs. Each egg has a gum, uh, something in it. Okay. It's like kind of the door wheel thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna talk about it for a long time with you and your friends as y'all sit and accomplish nothing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do, we have, our family's all about games. So we make everything a game. Everything's something. What if we do this? Let's do this. Uh, I've realized that I do it and I don't ever, I never thought about it and I'm like, oh yeah, I'll do it. My family, we will, it's, you know, when we go, if we swim, the kids were like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I got, when we went on vacation a couple weeks ago or something, I get in with our neighbors, the neighbors girls in Harper and I'm like, all right, who can swim underwater back? Like it's never just like chilling out. It's like, let's try to do something. Everything's a big game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so we do it, we do now, we hide the eggs for all the kids. And then they, but the eggs just have, it's whoever gets the most eggs and then we let them go pick candy. So instead of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The candies and the eggs, it's like they come up to us and then we let them, you know, and it's a big, they get to choose it. We have it out there and they do like a snake kind of, so, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I got paid five bucks to mow the grass and that was a lot. And I remember being like, five dollars meant a lot to me. And I think to mow, to get a kid to mow the grass now, I mean, you would have to be 20. I would bet. Like, cause that's going to at least feel like a lot to the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, this was just my, this was my neighbor's yard. She paid me $5. You got paid to mow your own yard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no business. This is not a business back then. This was, she was an older lady. There's a mix of that. She paid $5. I did it for that reason. But I don't even think back then, you were thinking of it like a full on business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's too much business mind, like sometimes it's like you're doing stuff to be like, you're just doing it to make five dollars. I didn't pay for the gas. Like I get the idea of teaching someone how you get a charge this much to get the gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when we did it, it was like, I'm hell, it was, I'm either going to have to mow this yard, this lady's yard for free. I would have had to do that. And then instead of doing that, it's like, I think she wanted to pay. So I'd go up, Ms. Gibbons and I'd go up and she's a little, she pulled a little thing out and handed me $5. And it was a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, $5 was a lot. I remember it being, it was, uh, it was like, man, $5 was, you know, maybe you would have thought a dollar, you know, or something would have been not a much, but $5 was, yeah, it was a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't had one in a long time, I don't think I am, but uh, I would try it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a, not a big cream-filled something guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, y'all are so high brow at Notre Dame, that someone goes, do you ever have cat, cat berry eggs? And you are just like, you know, everybody's came from money and they're like, I ate real eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what you mean? And you're like, nah, this is what poor people eat. We go to Walmart, we steal them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe. Famous commercial from my era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do? You tie it up in a chair first and get all the answers you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you could fit ears and head into your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So he's a part of that and he's also that other percentage that goes ahead and gets that head out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 76, it's like a 76% is on its own. And then there's this other, like, there's going to be, there's going to be a group of guys in the walk-in cooler that are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always buy one. I've been waiting there, uh, I don't remember ever going, like it never, I don't remember if I ever was like, I'm such a, the opposite kind of fan of candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do like it. And I would eat, I would eat it now for sure. I'd get one for a Harper. Cause it's, you know, it's kind of, it's a classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would always get Reese's. My parents would always give me, they still do give me Reese's cups. And then, yeah, they, they do taste. You know, I don't really eat Reese's cups now outside of that Easter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I have them. But I mean I'm all about, sorry, I'm just too much gummy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get some, I'll go crazy. Easter, yea, I'll probably be a little cheat day. I'll get some of those hair boo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are they called? Harbo? Haribo? Haribo. Araboot. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It sounds like a beer. It's some kind of hair beer. Gummy beer. It sounds like you make it on your own. You don't want to hear it? How's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haribo. Haribo. He's talking about Haribo and I'm like, no, no, no, I'm buddy Hairboob. He makes this, uh, these gummy bears. You go, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who cares? Who is going to want to see that? Are you kidding me, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beat it. We got this crossover here. Oh my gosh. Look how big it is. Where are you going to put it? Where are you going to put it? Give me a sandal. Let's move on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dinosaur teeth, you know, T-Rex teeth. They do stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Panama City or something like that, like we weren't, yeaah, I don't know if we had. I have, uh, that cross that's from, uh, it's got sand in it, in the back of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Uh, I know the big one does, but my parents, uh, yeaah. I would love it. Look at it. Look at the back of it. And then, uh, it might say it. I'm just, I can't focus. I can't. Sometimes I get, I get something and I just, no, no, it's only $25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would too. There's a little saying right there. I think they'd sell it for more than $25. Jerusalem. That's right. Yeah. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Why is it 18 this year? Because COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't move any of your tax stuff around, but they're like, yeah, we're going to move today a couple of days. You go to jail if you just moved your stuff around and they're like, we're moving a couple of days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, I need a couple more days. Uh, if you don't mind, I just have been busy with, they're like work. You're like, no, not work. Not work. Trying to not hide your money. Not working. I didn't say anything about work. You said work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been vacationing in Maryland. Our family has a farm up there that they were given, that they were given on Patriots Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it doesn't seem like it's advertised. Uh, that money just goes back to, like, where does it go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never know, I don't know how to do taxes. I don't even know how I would even know how to start it. Yeah. And like I, you know, when you first start, you're either parents are doing it or then you're for you and then are your, you go to like wherever, you know, and get it done. What is it? Uh. Turbo tax or? Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stepped it up a little bit. Uh huh. You're at TurboTax and you're like, this career is kind of taking off. Gotta go to H&R. I need to know someone that can handle it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, could us. Maybe 90, more of a 90%. Honestly, you could probably say being a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably his 90s. Like you're, cause there's a blur of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do everything right and, uh, Laura's always been a sticker about it, even forever. And like, just being like, I need to know, you know. And, uh, but it's, it's, it's a fine line of just like, you're like, I don't know, dude, I'm doing everything's comedy. My whole life is comedy. I'm on the phone all day about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're going to be at the store and just be like, what do you want? You want to get, uh, you want Cheerios or Frosted Flakes and Gallagos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you talking to a comedy? Is that a comedian? Are you talking about a joke? And he goes, no, you're not gonna know. You're not talking to my wife. I gotta get cereal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About number two came out because you're the uproar about that one. It just, you can only talk about your subscriptions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see the research. I tell you what, the count, following your count on Hulu is hard. It's not as hard as Paramount Plus is, but it's difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're trying to write off. Got a haircut the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your income and it's like, what can I get off of it? Right. So I do remember at the beginning, because at the beginning you're, when you're doing comedy, like you would end up, you're not even showing a profit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because yeah, you're, you're always like negative. Uh, and then it's like, and when you get to the point where you show profit, no, I'm just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, when, so then you just knock it down. So that's how they, so when people get mad at companies or stuff like that, they're saying like, they're writing off so much stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it's like, no, they should be paying the taxes on this amount. They're only paying the taxes on this amount. That's what that means, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like every state? That's federal, so you can have state tax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. If you make $400 a year, you have to file. If you make less than that, you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's he telling everybody this back then? That's what I always- The newspaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? The newspaper and it just gets around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I guess the, the, yeah. When was the phone invented?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is before the phone. So, but like how would he, how big was the country then? I mean, it's pretty much all east of the Mississippi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I mean, like, I mean, you gotta be like, you could easily not pay taxes back then and be like, like, how do you not know how to pay taxes? You're like, how would I know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like how does he tell everybody? Like he makes this speech and I get, you know, it's like, I just don't know. How does it get from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then he's, you know, in DC or Pennsylvania and he's up there and he says, we're going to pay 3% taxes. Well, how long does that take? I guess they can take a train. So you got to have a reporter that's there and then he's got to go take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess a couple day train, write it in the newspaper. And then the newspaper just is like, Oh, we've got to pay taxes. Like, it's not like, it's not even like a lot. You're just like, Ted, you're reading the old hickory news. Like, are you kidding me? All right. We'll start paying them. I guess this thing says we have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's tough. I always think you gotta do it, just do it real quick. Why don't you say it so quick that it comes out of nowhere and then they're like what? And you go yeaah. You start talking about something else? Yeaah, you know, you're like your house is gone. Your house burned down. Alright, did you watch that Hawks game last night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. Well it's cause he cancelled, so. How'd he cancel that close?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, yeaah. So everybody's like, I have a hard time being in the room if I know something's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I either don't want to be in the room or I have to be the one saying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only two. Like I, I either, I either, yeaah, I either don't want to be a part of it, or I, or I'm like, let me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I feel like, I don't know, it's like you feel like I know my heart, I know that I will try to do, give this news in a certain way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just get out of the room. Cause then I'm gonna be like, you said it, no don't say it like that. Like you know, I'll think about it too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you even here, man? I mean, yeah, you do above the 1%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a bubble. You're like a 0.1 percenter. 1% of the 1%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I, I mean, I remember getting a lot of money back, then you switch to going, you don't get money back. First, that's, I mean, that's a shock to the system. When you're like, and you just, I mean, I remember just thinking, you're like, yeah, I get my money back. I get like, I love tax day because I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get like $800, $1000, you're like, that's just crazy dude. I can't believe they're good. You don't know that you're a loser at that point. That you're just a young kid or you know what, not, I don't wanna say loser cause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but when you're a young kid and you're, you don't realize like, oh, it means I have no money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For taxes? Yeah. Yeah. Quarterly. Oh, I don't even know you can do. Let's ballpark the number of 30 grams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it might be a little high, but it's an easy one to get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at Jackson Hewitt. You want to write stuff off? We're in the business of writing off. You tell us anything, we will get it out of here. Like I bought a cat. There's a cat live in the house that you work at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your home office is the majority of the, it's a thousand square feet and you're like, yeah. And you're like, that's crazy. You go, where do you live at? In the other hundred square feet. That's our, that's where only we do non-work stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the bottom to be shaved, but I was like, we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have like these two weeks, I still got, I got to do a couple shows, uh, but they're like private shows and we're doing Vacuum Special next week in the Nightline Live podcast. But I didn't have any like anything, I was like having to film something or whatever or do something and I was like, oh, let me get a little run at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was told with mustaches people, uh, like Eric Barber slash trainer. Uh, but it's always, you get a lot of compliments from dudes more than women. With the beards?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mustaches. Mustaches. Yeah, yeah. Dudes like mustaches. I think they're back, dude. No, they're definitely back, but like, like that mustache, like from that kid at St. Peter's, but like every dude's gonna be like, yeah dude, that mustache is awesome. And then most women are like, I don't know. Like they don't, I don't know how much they love mustaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're gonna have to learn to love them, dude. They're coming. They're figuring it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the Yankees? Can't have a facial hair at the Yankees. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta pay a tax. I don't really have to pay a tax but they don't let you have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. It's a good one. He's with a pretty solid team though. Well yeah. That's what the guy goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to say Giambi. That's all I don't know for sure, but in my head. That sounds right. That's a good guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like his brother. There was two of them. Yea, Jason and Jeremy. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. You just go, yeah, right on the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 32 million dollars. That's, is that someone just not paying taxes in his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, that's always the worst. You see, you got like, Dane Cook had that. Oh, did? Yeah, Dane Cook was his brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that other prison? You always hear that. They're like, well, they're in a different prison. Is it like a fun prison?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's like, there's no, you don't have any fear of getting killed or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're just, what are you doing? You're going to, you get like a meal and you get three good meals. Is your, what's your cell look like? Is it like a real gel cell? Is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you just always hear about this, like, you know, didn't Martha Stewart go to jail for taxes or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, even with that, like, but then like, where did she go? Like, does she have like a decent room? Is it, is she on a bunk bed? Is it? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First goes into prison to check your cavities, but it means more than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it, yeah, but I thought, I mean, that would be for a surprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do we have that? Kentucky doesn't have sales tax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone told me that today, Eric told me that today. He said he buys groceries in Kentucky because they live kind of that way. And then, uh, and he says, cause they don't have sales tax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but yea, no sales tax on food would be pretty nice. And we have the highest sales tax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I looked it up, I have a joke about it now, but, property taxes, so I'm not going to do the joke, but it's, I thought I looked it up somewhere and like, uh, Beverly Hills was like something like 40 or $50,000. A year? I think so, I don't know, but I think so. And like I was looking up some house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it was a crazy house. Look at property taxes in Beverly Hills. It was like something crazy, you're like, good night dude, like I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a person's salary just to, and that's not even the house. That's just, uh, you know. Well, if you bought a house, say here in the night, 25,000 a year in property tax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get, you end up being like you have a hundred dollars a month to spend on whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when he comes on Seinfeld and he goes, she's on a fixed income. Did he say that? Oh yea, Nana? Yea Nana. I think he does. Uncle Leo? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like, cause he would take people up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Delaware? And you want to be like, you want to go, dude, I, look, I get it. You're taking people out, but I honestly, if we had someone, you know, a little less, you know, I think we could keep it to 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a will door argument. I know, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just do no, you just go to the house, there's nothing. It's just no wind. It's just complete dark in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I've gotta pay these to a government, maybe just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's class it up a little like, you know, kind of a entertainment or something. Adult entertainment text. Yeah. It was syntax too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like it was decided at the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kept thinking you were about to tell me, and so he started a beer company, uh, and then he made all his money. That's what I thought honestly we were heading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is what made him start his beer company, and then now he's a billionaire. I go, oh that's cool man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta go look him in the face and you're like, that's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get, cause I mean, you would, that's, but that is, it's a weird balance cause that, you're gonna see that up close. If you have any kind of heart, you can't ask this. And then that's where I think problems get now. There's people are too far away from the thing that they're, the person they're asking from. And then you're like, well, that's not fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Jackson Hewitt. We'll do whatever you want. Understand we do have some, we have a tax we want under the table. Cause you gotta slot them a little bit, you know. But we make some, we make some stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go away. You know what I mean? Some stuff disappears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's like when you walk into the, you know, Applebee's and they're closed in five minutes, you're going to get a very, uh, not the best steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you get it. It'll be quick. It's still considered a steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, everybody. Uh, thank you. Uh, yeah. Zany's live podcast and then my Vecchione special. Uh, I'll be in Florida, uh, next week, uh, on the tour y'all. Salt Lake City and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Yep. Alright. Love you guys as always. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate Land is produced by Nate Land Productions and by me, Nate Bargetzi and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nateland Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[Assistant] Total of $30 off your first order plus free shipping. That's more than 40 cups of coffee for free. Go to www.drinktrade.com


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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think people mind it. I think people like to know. I like to know. I think as long as you're consistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, didn't you and Jay Cutler talk about the trick of putting your tongue on the top of your mouth when you smile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a picture? Yeaah. It's gonna lift up your neck? Yeaah. I wanna work on my smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Justin's over here, he goes, I just look the worst when I smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to do that. You have to just mean mug and be like, this is what I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being photogenic is a real thing. It's a real thing, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. Wait till that conspiracy theories episode sinks in.


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[Assistant] So it's got one half is where you put the cereal, the other half is where you put the milk, and then you can kinda slide around a little few pieces at a time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this looks real. We talked about Justin. If you could just pick another name, would you stick with Justin? You pretty happy with what you're doing?


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[Assistant] What if it was your middle name? You might respond to that reflexively without even thinking about it. Lee? Yeah. Uh. Have you heard Lee? Lee.


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[Assistant] Go watch them. I did your thing. I remember you talking about how good it feels to do an early set. I did an early corporate last weekend and it was awesome. Awesome. I had a set later that night, but I was like, dude, I already feel great. You already worked.


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[Assistant] That's true. Also that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot about that. I saw some picture went viral of the stand-up show in the, like the bomb shelters of Ukraine. That was pretty cool.


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[Assistant] So I guess there's a ritual that I didn't know about where if the Pope does a public, you know, he has a ring and you'd kiss his ring and this Methodist guy just walked up and goes, Hey, put her there. Just shook his hand.


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[Assistant] I saw a comment on Reddit that said, can somebody post a picture of Nate's 23 year old son? And somebody who didn't listen to the podcast was like, nah, dude, we should respect his privacy.


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[Assistant] When I have to buy coffee for the house, I always buy the worst stuff. My wife hates it. She's very particular about the kind of coffee she drinks, but I signed up for trade.


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[Assistant] Which is a proud sponsor of Nate Lane. It connects customers to the freshest.


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[Assistant] And best tasting coffee they've ever made at home by partnering with the countries.


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[Assistant] Best craft roasters. These are independent businesses from all over. They partner up with trade. You fill out a, you know, you answer some questions, what kind of stuff you like, and then they go, well, we got you.


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[Assistant] They send you the best stuff. So I just got one today. I got a shipment of a new kind in.


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[Assistant] That's more than 40 cups of coffee for free. Get started.


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[Assistant] By taking their quiz at drinktrade.com slash nate and let trade find you a coffee you'll love once again.


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[Assistant] That's drinktrade.com slash nate for $30 off. And don't forget about Mother's Day. It's a good Mother's Day gift.


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[Assistant] A trade subscription is the perfect gift for the coffee lovers in your life. And finally, oh, it's our old friends. Athletic Greens! I eat really, really healthy. I exercise a lot.


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[Assistant] I'm worried about these two guys that I'm with. I'm trying to get them and I got them on board with Athletic Greens.


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[Assistant] So they don't need to do anything else. You just wake up every day.


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[Assistant] And you put a scoop in water and you drink it. It's a special blend of ingredients supporting your gut health, your nervous system, your immune system, your energy, recovering, focus, aging, everything.


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[Assistant] It tastes great, easy to make. It's like, why have all this stuff in your cupboard? You got athletic greens as one little bag. That's all you got to do right now. It's time to reclaim your health and help your immune system with convenient daily nutrition. One scoop of water and water every day. That's it. No need for a million different pills to make it easy.


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[Assistant] Athletic Greens is giving you a free one-year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. All you gotta do is get on your internet browser, your phone.


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[Assistant] You're whatever. Go to athleticgreens.com slash Nate. That is athleticgreens.com slash Nate to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance.


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[Assistant] Books, books, books, how far we've come. If you'd asked me a year ago that we'd be doing a books episode.


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[Assistant] I would have thought it would have taken a little longer, but here we are.


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[Assistant] It's been a minute. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, the movie came out like 10 years ago.


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[Assistant] I was going to say maybe it was the books episode. We don't use the internet. We try not to.


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[Assistant] Right. Where something like Lord of the Rings, they have to introduce a whole new vocabulary, places, things. I mean, you know how many words I butchered in here.


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[Assistant] That's the worst when two people are reading the same thing at once and you have to adjust to their speed and you're like.


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[Assistant] Top four, top selling books of all time.


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[Assistant] You know what they are? The Bible. The Bible is not even close. Second book I would be very surprised if you get.


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[Assistant] It's not a religious book, but it is, it's not like a novel.


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[Assistant] These are not bad guesses. You're laughing, but these are not bad guesses. I don't know why that made me laugh. It is a collection of quotations from Chairman Mao.


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[Assistant] He's a leader of the communist revolution in China in 1949 and chairman of the Chinese Communist Party of China.


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[Assistant] Just yet contains four hundred and twenty seven quotes on thirty three different topics.


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[Assistant] Your, uh, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, stuff like that.


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[Assistant] Uh, number four, we've already mentioned it, Lord of the Rings. Huh?


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[Assistant] Best-selling novel in history. To date it has sold around 155 million copies all around the world. Uhm, so, that's up there.


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[Assistant] If you had to guess, Justin, whether there were more McDonald's or libraries in the United States, what would you guess?


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[Assistant] There are 14,157 McDonald's restaurants, 121,000 libraries. So too many libraries.


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[Assistant] We could get this listed as a library, Nate. We'll call this the Barghetti library. And I can come, you can hate, you can issue cards and come check out a book.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. I would not forget that. You would not forget it. Now Justin, God forbid.


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[Assistant] Will you come to your funeral? Do you want me to do fireworks?


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[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna have to cut this tape up and show it to your family before I go horrify them by launching fireworks off of your face.


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[Assistant] How do these fireworks stores, uh, what do they do?


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[Assistant] But there's only two days a year you can shoot fireworks off. And there are these huge structures on the side of the interstate. What is going on?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Florida, a lot. New Year's. Yeah, well, yeah, obviously New Year's. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Fastest reader of all time. The average human being reads at about 250 to 300 words per minute.


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[Assistant] With a comprehension of 70%. So that means you read at that speed, you only retain about 70% of it. The world's fastest reader, Maria Teresa Calderon from the Philippines, 80,000 words per minute.


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[Assistant] That's, I mean. With 100% comprehension.


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[Assistant] Evidently she read a three page long college level essay of 3,135 words in 3.5 seconds. So that's, I mean that's about...


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[Assistant] A 2009 study of the University of Sussex found that reading can reduce stress by up to two thirds, making it a much more efficient relaxation method than listening to music, drinking tea, or even taking a walk. You believe that?


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[Assistant] There are a couple books that have become standards to read in high school. Scarlet Letter.


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[Assistant] And uh, Moby Dick's another one. You ask any, nobody likes those books. These are not enjoyable reads, but for some reason they've just become part of what we need to teach. Scarlet Letter's awful, dude.


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[Assistant] Oh wow. We had Harry Potter at the library. We were reading the good mainstream stuff. Oh. You know what I mean? It was crazy. Not trying to brag or anything.


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[Assistant] Samuel Johnson wrote the first English dictionary. 1755. Took him seven years.


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[Assistant] Writing the examples from assistance, the rest he did completely himself.


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[Assistant] Seven years to do it. I wonder if you made money. I'm hoping that you did.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's quite a service he's done for the English speaking world.


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[Assistant] Oh dude, yeaah. He got, he got money for this. He was living large after this. Oh really? Why?


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[Assistant] You ever see when they put like the R before the E at the end of a word? Like center, C-E-N-T-R-E. He's like, let's just, come on, just put the E-R, that's how it sounds. He changed plow.


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[Assistant] So he did a bunch of that, but he tried to do a bunch more and people were like, come on, this is too much. He wanted to change tongue to like T-U-N-G.


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[Assistant] And just like, let's just spell it how it's written, you know? Women to W-I-M-M-E-N.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but T-U-N-G-E-M is, you know, it would have been nice, but it would have been nice.


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[Assistant] So this is a good question. How does a new word get added to the dictionary? It still happens. Every year they add these words to the official dictionary. Uh, when people use a word or phrase frequently enough that it appears in widely read print and online publications, lexicographers take notice.


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[Assistant] What a made up title for a job. Lexicographers.


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[Assistant] First they collect citations of the word, they go out and find where it's used, they make sure it's coming from people with diverse backgrounds over the, over a long period of time. It can't just be like,


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[Assistant] Bingle. Yeah, exactly. Then it's gotta get people from all over saying it for it to make sense. And then they review the evidence and decide, uh, decide if they want to.


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[Assistant] Put it in. Yeah. And he had a few words. What was that? They just changed the definition of literally to basically mean anything now. Oh wow. Because people just started, people used it wrong so much that they're like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, we should. Look, look, okay, we got a bunch of COVID words got added. Breakthrough, super spreader.


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[Assistant] Oh, AstroTurf in, in that context.


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[Assistant] The figurative use of AstroTurf is used to describe political efforts, campaigns, organizations that appear to be funded and run by ordinary people, but are in fact backed by powerful groups.