[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You take like one night class and they're like, it's fine, just show them Hoosiers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, they're gonna watch Rudy. Just get in there. We need someone to look after these folks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, how was it? That is so dope. That's a strong name too. How did he not become a fucking monster superstar with a name like Jack McLaughlin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet they've, they've judged it since winning the World Series a couple years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they try not to zhizh it. Yeah, and they give it a good zhizh. I think they're pretty like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda like with the A's, like, let it rot. Do you remember Dodger Stadium before Magic Johnson, like, took it over, however many years ago that was, six or seven years ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people were getting murdered in the parking lots. There was also like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. But there was like also, there wasn't like screens everywhere, so even if you were in those bad seats, you couldn't like look up and see his screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like them only because remember, I think we were- Like, you like the nets? You like the nets? I like the nets. Okay. He likes babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen multiple people get taken out in stretchers. I think we were together one game when we saw someone get taken out in a stretcher and Magic Johnson like went up and shook their hand. That's when we threw the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While they were wheeled out. Yeah. Hope you don't die. You guys were there. It's when we were, uh, we threw the first pitch out and we did that dumb bit where, uh, not even dumb, fun bit where we acted like we were fighting to throw the first pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull this rug, dude. Hey, no, no, no. We know he can, but did the coach call you to try to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, did the coach call you even one time to be like, we need you on the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we think that because, I mean, it makes a lot of sense that the Coach's Sons would be pretty fucking good at that age, especially before you're growing super quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I don't think Kyle's not, Kyle's fibbing right now cause he's not saying his full name right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not the, he didn't grow up to be the first basement of the San Francisco Giants. Okay. Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna ruffle your feathers so bad. God. Poor guys. My god. Yeaah. I feel like you might have had a little bit of a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So was he. So was he. Let's cut him some slack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I obviously was the worst. My teammate called me the cripple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did suck, and I was crippled, and I was a liability every time I went out there, and I got it from their point of view, but also, hey, you know, I like to play, so I was giving it a go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's sick. You played in high school soccer. I did not know this about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's fine too. I get that too. I get that. You could do all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So it goes back to the, the, the fencing. Wait, hold on, everybody, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, go ahead, go ahead Adam. What about the fencing? Cause that's where this started, right? The fencing in baseball. Oh, right, yes. And we absolutely, you were convinced that you shouldn't have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I, I get it. I'm just saying it's, I like to drink at baseball games and talk with my friends and it's part of the, obviously I'm watching the game, but it's a lot of bullshitting with my friends catching up with people. I'm not paying attention to the, to the game. Just stay engaged. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stay engaged for three hours. For the four hour, five hours that this fucking game is going on. I'm kinda like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll start, start whacking some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they really up? They're, they're, yeah, they're up to the- Behind the home plate. Behind the home plate, obviously. And that's, that's where it always was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then all the way to past, a little past third base, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just so you don't get a direct, you can have a little time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's dangerous. Which, those are hilarious because- Right. Those are hilarious. Those are fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is no, no, because the H1 of those courtside seats are a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's true. That is not true even a little bit. That's not true. That is not true. Yes it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if you can't afford to travel somewhere to get an abortion, you might not be able to afford the courtside seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to give flowers to Kyle for, uh, Cruella de Vil?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to give him flowers for standing up for himself for his baseball, even though we don't know where his skill set is now because he hasn't played in over 25 years. Uh, 25 years ago, uh, I like that you stood up for it. We were kind of trying to give you shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't let us take that away from you, you know? It's okay. If you believed in yourself at that age,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut up, bitch! I went into a batting cage not too long ago, a few months back, and uh, it was, it was humbling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like set it, I set it to 75 and was just like nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, oh no, I think I suck now. I used to be okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were a fragile young lad who couldn't, who couldn't take it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking specifically. Yeah, they all gel. The team is really gelling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, did you guys see the, the, what, what was it, the, was it a basketball player or a football player where they're like getting blowjobs in the middle of a bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, is that real? I thought it was a girl sucking the dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Your body is fucking incredible. Oh, fuck. SuperDopeFoHawk, I'll see you around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Your body is fucking incredible. Oh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole life I've had zero desire to do this blitz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did, swimming males, I mean even females, like swimmers' bodies are fucking hot as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glistening. What is hotter than a male swimmer, dude? Our USA team? A male football player, uh. No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The muscle cut on a male sw- swimmer, like they're- they're muscles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who else in, what other celebrity represents for swimming? Is there anybody else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a very successful comedian. Kevin Hart. But his body is so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys never hit the pummel horse? Uhh, I don't think they made us do gymnastics. No, we did not have to do gymnastics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hitting the knots. All I remember is that the rumor was is that if you brought out the little spongy floor mat it had ringworm and I didn't want to fucking touch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No you don't. Yes, when you're doing a floor routine. What? What are you talking about, dude? They have the, it's like a bouncy carpet. Bouncy carpet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, when I was back ho- when I was back home, I just did a random- You can find me in the gymnastics chair, bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so kinda upper thigh? Upper thigh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. My whole life I've had zero desire to do the splits. Why? Why the fuck would you ever want to do the splits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Prince, it's James Brown, it's like, yeaah, yeaah. But both knees are forward, both knees are forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, I like that, like when, when you watch like old James Brown dancing shit and he's like BWOW BWOW


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, that's, that's no good. What else did you have to do in that, what was it, presidential test? The shuttle run, right? What's the shuttle run?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't one of the things like if you, if you didn't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you couldn't do, uh, pull ups, you could just hang for as long as you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you didn't have to do your max? Well, I think it was a max. 15 was like the max. If you did 15, you got like an A. Yea, imagine a kid just busting 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, I remember trying to- I tried to do that, is that when you like, go up the bar? No, that's a muscle up, I'll post that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to muscle up one time, it fucking ruined my elbow. It was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can do pull-ups but muscle-ups fuck my shit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a trainer. You're gonna train him! I also know my tank back for today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would actually like that, that like hang, just hang instead of doing like a pull up. I would like to see how long I could actually just hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, you grabbed a chair, and you had to hold the chair out in front of you, like, like straight arm, lock your elbows, and you had to see how long you could hold the chair. Yo, you guys were fucking bored. No dude, because Jesus will let you hold it longer. Oh my god. No, it wasn't even like, it wasn't faith based.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was too old. That wasn't school section though, right? I was too old for King of the Mountain at that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but you could never ever grab the rope. No, you could. If you allowed ropeys, yes you could. You could if you allowed ropeys and then you could really zing that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does a juniper bush look like? Yeaah, what's a juniper bush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I kinda remember. They have like little like gray berries with spikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could go back to him, like, just wherever you kicked him into, he just like sat there, like gathered himself, and he's like, that was a good ass kick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It's a lot. It's for our viewers at home. You guys don't remember butts up at all. Let me get up. Let me get the butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you had to bounce it once off of the ball wall, and then if you- Who? What? How many people? What are we talking? Where are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, say there was, it doesn't, it could have infinity people, you just needed to know who you were after. And they bounce it once. So there's a hundred thousand people. Yeah, they, say it's two people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bounce it once, it has to hit off the wall, and then it bounces up, and then if the play, the next player has to catch it, and if they drop it, they have to run and touch the wall before you throw the tennis ball and hit the wall. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Importance, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, please just come for me. Please just come for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Frankenstein's Doctor is the monster we all doctored about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point, we would call each other and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, what up, dude? Nothin', man. How you been? Good? Uhm. How's the fam? Hey, what happened? How's the fam? Click.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, we're, we're of a different generation. I'm not trying to call anybody. If you're fucking 30 or younger, you've never called anyone in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're knocking out ten friends at once. It's a delicate dance. And I'm just gonna say that because at some group, some group texts are bad. Other group texts are better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some group texts are just one guy keeping it alive.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? Didn't you guys just hang out when you were in town? Didn't that happen or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I start to cry. Since you've reached out to your boy, uh, what's your boy's name? Jomps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have so many group chats muted. Cause you get to it, you see it, you go, oh. Oh fuck, I feel like a shit fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, do you remember when we first met, and we had, uh, we were doing Second City, and uhm, when we first met, great movie, and uh, there was, okay, everyone in the class, like, here's the emails, and people started doing like, mass emails, and people would just be like, really bored going back and forth sending emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to. I was like, guys, I have 16 emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not- Keep my name out your mouth. I don't- I'm very- I'm pretty good about, like, keeping email out. Like, if I get, uh, junk mail unsubscribing immediately, if I'm in a- If I'm in some sort of group email, I'm like, guys, maybe stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and this, eh, did shit pop off on Black Friday for you guys on Cyber Monday? Oh, dude, it was nuts. I haven't checked my, I fucking hate it. It's like, what is, I'm not looking at it. I'm not even looking at it. I'm gonna have me shopping, have me shopping though, didn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great platform is like less spam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to have a sick ass fucking like trickster voicemail that was like, that would get you every time it would say hello and then talk back and I loved it. It was like my pride and joy, but I had to stop and go back to fucking just, I had to erase it and go back to robo because when I got calls like that, I didn't want any kind of like point


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, dude, if you still have it, can we post the Ben Stiller


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that just a Kraft single? Is that a Kraft cheese single? I have an iPhone! Hello!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me check. Jers, what do I have? Let me see what this number looks like. Yeah, go look at it. Look at it. And let's rank, let's rank each other's phone numbers, cause my shit is bomb. Let's see. Oh yeah, no, yeah, your number's hella funny. Let me see, let me see how good it is. Is that a Pop-Tart rapper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, uh, yeaah, it's something. It's something. You know what I mean? Okay, so what is it? But the way I say the last four numbers? Uh huh. Yeaah, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 6969, do not call it and find out whose phone it is. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ghost numbers. I think a lot of the ones I have memorized are ones that are disconnected. They were from childhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, nursery rhymes are dark as fuck, so that just kinda fits right on in. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is real dude. I don't fall down the rabbit holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, yo, Jack and Jill went up the hill. That was a funny bit. When he was doing this, that was funny. That wasn't funny to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot, because I'm looking dead at you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Twitch. Todd from production. Quick with the Twitch. I said Twitch, that's pretty good. That is very close. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause it was like eating, it's, uh, it was the plague. It's some kind of thing. I don't know what the fuck it did, but it looks like afterwards you went to ashes and you fell down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, asses, the asses fall, they burn you so that like the rats didn't eat your body and keep the plague going, and then the asses falling down is coming from the sky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's one, Three Blind Mice, 1805. Three Blind Mice is supposedly yet another ode to Bloody Mary's reign, with the trio in question, believed to be a group of protestant. That's not interesting. It's not interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like stoked on him. And then the left was like, he's our guy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. That's true. Exactly. There's a lot of reading that I have to do to really understand some of this stuff. Cause it's talking about like fucking, it's talking about like time of past. It's like, dude, no, what is this? I don't even know. But so, but songs have always been used to teach children dangerous things, right? Yeah, for sure. Allegedly!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so is that what it is you think? And then it just hung on? Yeah, I feel like I guarantee you there's a song out there about like how to behave if someone shows up and you hear bang bang down the hall, go on to your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop, drop, and roll, baby. No, but like, we're saying these are so crazy, but I think this is a way that people talk kid stuff for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a way of making it a little bit lighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Bloody Mary fucked you up. Bloody Mary fucked you up. Her reign is green from 1553 to 1558. Five years. Okay. That's not that long. Not that long, not even that long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is that- is that Bloody Mary off with your heads? Is that it from the cartoon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, uh, who cares? And then he's talking about Cox. What, Dice? Why was Dice? You gotta watch that thing on, there's something on Hulu that's a vice show that's like the dark side of comedy that does a pretty good run of like what Dice's career was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, if you listen to his stuff, if you listen to his stuff now, I just watched this documentary. It's not that funny. It's not. It's just like big and like crass and like... Fuck you. Take that back at the end, you son of a bitch. I might, but, but it wasn't that funny. Wait, are you a dice man, Blake?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Frankenstein's master. I don't know. What, what, what is that? What is that? What is it? The monster is the inmates are running the asylum. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, Smigel. Is, is Smirnoff, Jackoff Smirnoff a character, or is he actually a guy with an accent? Who's Jackoff from Smirnoff? From Branson, Missouri? The King of Branson, Missouri? What? Adam, help. Help me out. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen, have you seen Puddles? That clown that never comes out of, is that something you guys have seen? Puddles the pity clown or whatever who just like sings opera? No, that shit sounds dark, dude. NOOOOO!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puddle's pity party. Yeah, it was a wild set. It was like anti-fucking jokes. So how old is this guy? I've never, I don't think I've heard of him. I'm sure Tim and Eric will have a pilot with him in like a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's a, he's an older gentleman, I would say. He's an older clown. Yeah, yeah, probably about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, you have written material that you're writing or that you're performing. What is happening right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's not that guy? I saw that show. He's not that guy, huh? I saw that show in Comic-Con. He was great, dude. Yeah. It was weird, man. Does he still review movies or no? On cinema, at the cinema, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, shout out, shout out. So yes, the answer is yes or no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just reviewing movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was full, full makeup. Oh, I remember seeing some of the fucking promos. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you're saying he was being the character saying these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cat in the Hat is. No, he's not. No, I guarantee you he's not. He's deep. No, no, no. Cause he's deep in that character for sure. Yes, he's doing it as this character. But my question is this. Did his character watch you? Does his character have the information on you? Yes, because his character is the host of these shows. Did you ask him? Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, oh, was he commenting on shit that you had done on the show? No, he was commenting on my career. No, he's the host of a show though, and Adam's there. Did, did he say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but when he watched your stuff in his, in his house, when he first saw you and, and clocked you as a good stand-up, You already know the answer. Was he in this character, or was he Mike Myers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Adam, quick question, on the float in the parade, was that you, or was that Bumper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pentiverse. Look, the pentiverse is flawed. It's a bagel. Dear God, there's nobody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. There's nobody more committed and funnier than Mike Myers on this show. He's un-fucking-bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he, he, in care, in one of the characters he's like talking to Shrek and like looks at the camera and says some shit and you're like yeaah, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over 2? Wayne's world, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Austin Powers 2, though, with Mini-Me. The Spy with Shaggy. Austin Powers 2 is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he brought to the table. No, I know, but I think it's like, no, I brought it, yeah, but I'm not like, I think my experience in the theater, watching it, like, as a part of culture, Austin Powers too, fucking crushed. Like, there was too many jokes in that movie. Too many jokes, had to watch it twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Okay, bro. Okay, bro. I'll tell you- I'll tell you who's ceramic. You're ceramic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw some people posting pictures of the band Aha with pictures of the guy. And that's a dead ringer. Yeah, that's good. For you. For you. Oh, yes, but they replaced the other people with you guys and it checked out. Compliments to the racist of weeders for jumping on, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying it's not the man, I'm just saying I saw it and didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was good in that movie Carol or whatever, right? Wasn't he like nominated for something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't get it. Was it Carol? What was it he was in? He like, he was, I think he was in, he was in blue, blue velvet. Blue ivy, not blue velvet. Here we go. Blue jasmine. Yeah, blue jasmine. What was that dude? Blue jasmine. He like had a scene at a picnic table and he was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. Yeah, but, and they're trying to cover their asses. I think executives rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today we talk about, did anybody beat off in a glass elevator? She didn't want to see it hard, she wanted to see it get hard. We put it on everything, and then we called it the flavor enhancer. Doctors, brazzers, whoever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Start your engines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were allowed to hang at the mall. That was like, you just couldn't leave the mall. You get dropped off there and you're there for two hours and you hit the Cinnabon, the Hot Topic, the fucking whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even about, it's like it doesn't even matter when it came out. You know what I mean? Like right now I could get on a glass elevator and watch myself go up and fucking see it. And I'm like, this is dope. I'm being risen by a mechanized black railer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could actually, like, I remember, like, some of my first public cigarettes, like, where I was like, I'm smoking this, I don't care, were in front of a coffee shop. For sure. With older kids, because I could hand it to them if anybody rolled up. And they would give me the fucking ciggies and then it'd be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was when we, it was when we shot, uhm, it's, we're eating it in, you guys are eating it in the beginning of the proto, not the prototank sketch, the one, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that something that didn't porno decide blu-ray's fate? Blu-ray and like HD DVD or something like that? And VHS. And VHS. No, porno decides the tech. Did you guys not know this? It absolutely doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was before Beta and Alpha. Whereas VHS gets your peckerhard. VHS is much cheaper, much shittier resolution and they broke easy. Beta Max was a much more robust medium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be crying, dude. If I saw you go down, homie, I'd be like fucking, oh my god. Like that would be- You'd be bummed? Who would be the most-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I could see your face while you were passed out, I think I would start crying. If you were, if I could like see your face, like if you fell backwards and passed out, like that, and it was like not moving, I think that would fucking send me to a tailspin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and Adam, you said what, he would last seven? Or six?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do remember, we were on set for Workaholics, we had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was looking through those photos because Kyle's brother, Baby Nooch, Adam Noochek, he just dumped a bunch of old photos on us. And there's those photos and I'm like, wait, was this us wrapping workaholics? Cause I don't remember Kyle going through a tunnel. It's definitely from the 31 Blunt salute.


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[Assistant] Dude, if Instagram, if Instagram was cracking, that would have gone frickin' viral, dude.


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[Assistant] It's just weird, cause now, yes, I see everything through the social media lens, but I'm like, when we were in Workaholics, it was kinda...


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[Assistant] Instagram was still kind of new. It wasn't like what everyone got everything from. Are you talking about like-


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[Assistant] Dude, everybody was hyper just distorting their photos and everybody thought it was really cool to make everything like kind of sepia. Like burnt out, yeaah.


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[Assistant] That was, that was definitely peak. That was similar to what we would do for like Super Bowl parties. Remember we would, uh, the night before the Super Bowl, cause we always threw, we took pride in our Super Bowl parties. Oh, we did.


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[Assistant] We always had like a two kegs and then like the night before we would roll.


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[Assistant] So we're gonna make a few predictions. Uh, the Rams play- played the 49ers in the Super Bowl.


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[Assistant] The ram squeaked it out, which I'm pretty upset about.


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[Assistant] They've done that before, I think. I believe they have a Super Bowl behind them.


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[Assistant] That makes sense. Dude, I can't wait to see that because the Rams can't beat the Niners or the freaking... I don't know how to complete that sentence.


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[Assistant] Until this is a future episode and they just beat him.


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[Assistant] This is good. This is good radio. Turn it on and off again. This is good radio.


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[Assistant] If that gave me an excuse- Shut up, bitch. If that gave me an excuse to wear glasses, I would take that.


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[Assistant] Basically, we've talked about Teddy several times on the pod, but he wore a similar glass, and he gave me his old glasses. He did, yes.


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[Assistant] But when he upgraded his glasses, he gave me his old ones because I loved them so much. But these aren't even them, these are just kind of like replicas of them that I got from Costco.


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[Assistant] Well, I popped him out for the audition I did because, uh, the ring light was showing. Right. Very professional. Well, I mean, this, this is as actors. I don't know if I'm allowed to say.


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[Assistant] We've talked about it, but I don't think, I mean, I've never given it an official answer. Let's do that now.


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[Assistant] It's frustrating because I watch movies like Licorice Pizza, right? Where I'm like, I feel like my hair.


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[Assistant] First thought of these, like, directors aren't like, oh, we're making something in the 70s.


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[Assistant] Well, okay, so, but, you know, going along with that, I think I would, it's not so much would I cut my hair for money, I think I would cut my hair for like, if someone


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[Assistant] I would highly consider it. I would highly consider it. I think Paul Thomas Anderson, everything he does I would be honored to be a part of. It all looks great.


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[Assistant] Well, there's one person that I know I could be. I don't know. Andy's a little problematic, but I love him. He's a god. He's a god.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if I were to get cast in a movie with Denzel, that would be insane. I imagine he is a-


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[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, it's getting up there now.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, man, I mean if they ask, cause I think I could retire after that if I did a Coen Brothers movie, come on.


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[Assistant] You know, once you do a co- once you do a Coen brothers movie and you cut your hair for it, you're gonna get two more movies off of that. Right. Right?


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[Assistant] Dude, you know how Hollywood is, it's a, it's a role, you get on a role. I, I wish.


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[Assistant] If Kyle had his passion project and he's like, I want you to be my silver surfer, I might, I might shave my head.


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[Assistant] Why don't you eat it? Hey, I'll tell you right now. This wasn't an audition for Weird Al's movie. I didn't even get a fucking read. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Do you think that they're approaching this movie as like a super hyper serious thing?


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[Assistant] Or do you think it's gonna be a comedy? I like, I don't know what the tone of this movie's about to be.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna tell you guys right now, I wouldn't be who I am today without Weird Al Yankovic. I grew up on Weird Al, like he, and the reason I believe that I have such an ear for such a variety of music is purely because I


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[Assistant] I think he said notoriously, or wait, is notorious a bad thing?


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[Assistant] He's a, he's a beloved figure in the comedy scene. I think he's very generous with his time. I've, I've, I've met him a couple times. Super, super, super nice dude. He's down for comedy. He's, he's a godfather of it. He's the man. I just don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that's how he got his jump off. I guess like, I think, maybe I'm fudging the history, but as a softcore historian, there's like this dude named Dr. Demento.


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[Assistant] He had this radio show where he would play like funny music like


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[Assistant] Dude, who was that guy we used to listen to in your mom's van?


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[Assistant] Spike Jonze did like a lot of humorous songs. So there was like this wealth of like humorous, comedic


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[Assistant] I go back and I'm like, that's kind of the coolest thing when he just like is burning through the top 40 on the accordion polka style. That's- Yes.


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[Assistant] You get weird. That's right. With Teddy. With Teddy. With Teddy.


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[Assistant] We covered that. It was during the poodle hat tour at orange, orange coast, orange county fair.


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[Assistant] And uh, that was the moment that the Let's Get Weird movement was kind of born. Right.


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[Assistant] The Meltdown Comedy Show. Meltdown. Because Meltdown was one of the sickest, like, comic book shops in Los Angeles. And it got super, super hip because they would start to do comedy shows in the back of this comic shop. R.I.P. the fucking Meltdown. It was...


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[Assistant] It was an, it was a, it was a nerd comedy movement. They really stamped like nerd comedy movement.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we didn't pass, uhm, what's that called? Standards and Practices. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, because...


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying.


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[Assistant] Okay, yeaah, cause all I can think of, I'm like, what movie has like the tooth fairies? Remember where they're like those little things that come and like pull your teeth out of your mouth and eat your teeth? I think it's from Hellboy.


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[Assistant] He's like, oh shit, fucking tooth fairies. And then they're like, that's cool. I don't remember that. Oh, they're cool. They're like coming like eat your teeth. I think, unless I made that up and then we need to trade that on the wraps. A trademark that shit. I would cut my hair for Guillermo del Toro. Really?


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[Assistant] I think it would have been super dope because the Hobbit that we got, who ended up being the director for that one? Peter Jackson took it back. I don't shit on a lot of stuff, but the Hobbit was terrible. Didn't he sing, there was like hella songs in it, right? Well, which is fine because the Hobbit has those in the book, but


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[Assistant] Also, The Hobbit is one book. Lord of the Rings is several books. And this motherfucker tried to make The Hobbit three movies.


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[Assistant] Breaking plates, that's what Bilbo Baggins hates. Really? I think that's something. I remember being like, click!


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[Assistant] The Hobbit was a little more geared towards kids. It had like the greatest adventure is


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[Assistant] Okie dokie. But the Lord of the Rings cartoon was kinda a little more adult cause they did like rotoscoping, which is when they like drawl over like real humans and shit and that shit looked fucking cool.


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[Assistant] Cause that one was way more realistic and scary, and then The Hobbit is kinda a little more cartoony, but...


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[Assistant] Can we play, we can play the whole thing. They're never gonna hear us.


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[Assistant] And the art style was kind of sick too. Yeah, it was tight.


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[Assistant] Dude, do you guys wanna know some wild ass shit? David the Gnome was originally a Spanish television series called David el Gnome-o.


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[Assistant] So they re- So they recast it with homeboy from, uh, what was it? Happy Days. Happy Days Cunningham.


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[Assistant] Great TV dad. Great TV dad. Which, I mean, I know it's been a long ways out, but it's never too late to give somebody their flowers. Bob Saget, what a great TV dad, man. R.I.P. to a fucking goat.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Full house. What a run. That show was just shit.


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[Assistant] And all those shows you just named, that money stacked. It stacked high.


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[Assistant] Well, you know Bob Saget, that's a San Francisco legend right there. Real Bay Area legend.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and he was like constantly wearing like Warriors jerseys before it was fucking Steph Curry splash bro hours. He's wearing like Giants gear. So, you know, his, his status is, he's, he's, he's a legend in the Bay, that's for sure.


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[Assistant] I don't think it's, I don't think you can transfer. Cause like the, the main thing, like their characteristics is like Joey, it was heck a silly dude. But Jesse was.


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[Assistant] Yes, he was a playboy. He was, he was getting, he was getting, getting, getting some head.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that. So good. Oh man. Can you even imagine? Just think of all the all-star characters and for fucking Ghibler to make a splash with those twins on set? God damn bro. Well dude, you know what's crazy?


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[Assistant] Because you could go pro and you could be the man at it if you were to.


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[Assistant] I slept here, do you want a granola bar?


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[Assistant] Ders, Kyle, and myself, cause we did this without Adam, who dropped out. Where the heck did that guy go? Oh, what an excuse.


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[Assistant] No, uh, Blake, we went to SummerSlam together, didn't we?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, she, she was a star of the WWE. Superstar. And, uh, yeaah, she invited us and we got like, we sat in the second row right behind Laird Hamilton and, uh, who's his wife? She's famous, like a... Gabby Reese? Gabby Reese, yeaah.


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[Assistant] With, that's, uh, cocaine. No, that is, uh, table salt. Right, right there in the top. And then you just cock it. When a bug comes by, you straight up shoot it, and they flop out of the air. It, it shoots out, like, you shoot it with salt. Like a shotgun. Yes.


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[Assistant] I mean I have to, they fly away as soon as you step out of the house.


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[Assistant] Is it? You give an altar boy. Cause having them not shit on my truck is the fun part for me.


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[Assistant] So I tried to put the mirrors in. They were here first. Thank you, Blake. I tried to put the mirrors in. I popped the mirror in. The whole mirror.


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[Assistant] So now I have to like put that back in every time. It's a whole fucking ordeal.


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[Assistant] I think it's just my location is Cardinal Heaven. I don't know why. I'm at the tip of this island.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the gre- well, uh, there was my favorite, uh, she- it was her favorite bird, the cardinal. And they say that a cardinal is...


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[Assistant] Uh, a dead loved one coming back to visit you. I don't know why my grandmother keeps shitting and uh, shitting all over my truck.


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[Assistant] Soundboard. We absolutely do. I don't know if I ever saw it. Jason Kennedy. Jason Kennedy gave the interview.


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[Assistant] I like it. I like it. I'm all about killing these birds. I know some of us aren't about killing birds, uh. Get out of town. But I, if it flies, it dies. That's my whole motto. Whoa. If it flies, it dies. Omaha.


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[Assistant] We can't. We can't. Don't spoil. We can't. There's no spoilers here. I've yet to see it. I do want to see it. Definitely go see it. Have you seen it, Blake?


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[Assistant] What did you just say? Uh oh. Indian? I think it's from India.


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[Assistant] Dude, Blake can't talk about anything that he's doing. No, no, no spoilers. Welcome to my world. I just do it. I know, you're crazy. Who cares, they're not gonna, they're not gonna fire you, you already shot the thing.


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[Assistant] We are. It wasn't a show, we're a family. It is crazy coming up with everyone on Workaholics. It's no matter what in our career, the, uh, you know, the longer we go.


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[Assistant] Uh, those people are the people that you look back at and I feel like I could be on another show for like 10 years and it still wouldn't mean quite the same as, as workaholics.


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[Assistant] Who was our, uh, yeah, he's, he's in the crew for life, but, but you know, there's some, some people, they're, they're work friends and, and you love them. And then when a project wraps, you're like, I'm going to see them for all the time. And then you don't see them for like five years and you'll just run into them at like the Ralph's grocery store. And you're like, holy shit. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's right, Kyle. It is like that.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I know that noise, I just didn't know that it was from Peter and the Wolf and people like listened to the soundtrack of Peter and the Wolf.


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[Assistant] I bet, I bet someone, it's, you're, you're gonna be, check the inboxes, cause I bet it's coming within, usually they do them in August.


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[Assistant] We are doing ours the fir- or the second week of August. We're gonna do my dad's, uh, one year celebrating not having cancer party. Yes. In the Ozarks. And then that next week I'm gonna drive up to Omaha and do my 20 year high school reunion, which is gonna be so weird. That shit's important.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was. So technically I was- It sounds like you're like, we said these out! Well I was supposed to be the one, technically like my role was like, like the PR representative, so like, my whole job was to


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[Assistant] Plan parties and talk on the, uh.


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[Assistant] Talk on the intercom. So, and like, do the pep rallies and shit.


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[Assistant] I hope so. I'm trying to get, all my like really close homies are like, no, I'm not going. And I'm like, dude, don't. You have to.


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[Assistant] No, most, uh, all my like really close friends moved away.


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[Assistant] To see like people you haven't seen in years. Like there's a handful of people that I would for sure would like to see, but like when I go back to Omaha, they're not on my like list of five people that I call.


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[Assistant] Yes, it's kinda to see like, woah, how bald is everybody? A lot of people are really bald.


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[Assistant] I guess the second time, I took it on accident once.


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[Assistant] I think you guys know this, but my mom runs my Facebook, like, fan page account, where she will talk to people from my past as if they're me and then will hit me up and be like,


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[Assistant] Uh, Keegan Naderdepi says hi. And I'm like, what? Yeah, and then she'll like, just talk as... She also says...


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[Assistant] She'll just like have conversations with people from my past as if she's me and then she'll post weird things like


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[Assistant] But yea, no, Facebook I feel like really killed the high school reunions because you're able to stay in touch if you want to. You can stay in touch with people so easily.


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[Assistant] Well, cause all their friends, yeah, that's right. My parents also are on Facebook and aren't really on Instagram because none of their friends are on Instagram. So it makes my mom like bummed because she's a little Facebook Queen.


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[Assistant] Oh, so he's like super into it on Facebook? Every day on Facebook he posts a damn sunset.


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[Assistant] That tricky, but... But it is! There's so many like little...


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[Assistant] Are you guys deep in the metaverse? I haven't been on in a minute. I gotta get back in the meta- What do you mean by that? On the oculus? The oculus. On the quest. Oh, no.


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[Assistant] Go away. Damn it. Are you on it? Is yours working? The last time I tried it, but it was like when I was shooting that movie in Atlanta. So it's been a while now. So it's been like over six or seven months.


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[Assistant] It is so fucking cool. It really is really, really cool, like, what they're doing. And during the NBA finals, they were showing so many, like, uh, Oculus commercials. It got me juiced to get back on the Oculus. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can like sit courtside, uh, at games.


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[Assistant] You can go to, uh, like comedy clubs and like watch acts and then other people will be there, uh, and you can like talk to other


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[Assistant] People that are watching, like this one guy I was standing next to. This guy's not funny. And yea, no, and this guy. Boo. It's just haters.


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[Assistant] I think they're pre-recorded, but you're just there watching, and you're watching with other people. And I'm talking to this guy, and uh, he was like, OH SHIT! THIS GUY'S FUNNY!


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[Assistant] Oh yeah! And I was like, I was like, oh yeah, who else do you like? And he's like, lists in all the comics he likes and they're like all people I know. And I'm like, oh, that's cool. I'm like, Mike, what do you think of Adam Devine? And you're like, nah, he goes, ah, he's all right. And I'm like, okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, at the end of 18, right? So almost four years ago.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was crazy. I was like planning on taking a year off just to be like, cause I was going pretty hard there for a while doing a lot of tours and stuff and I was like, you know what, I'm going to take a year off and then the pandemic hit and then


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[Assistant] I tell you what, the next tour I want to go on isn't a stand-up tour, it's a...


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[Assistant] I saw that. It's a mega hit. I-I mean... Has shut down the streets of Burbank. Can we say that I was 2000 and early? You guys know who opened it, right? Who did?


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[Assistant] No. They stole the idea from us. I was 2000 early to wanting to get on the Canes train and be a franchisee owner. Yea dude, you should have followed your gut.


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[Assistant] I know. I saw the security. Did you film it, Blake? Or was that like a viral video? No, it's been on the news. It's been on the news. So Blake sent that to us and he was like, this isn't like to get on the freeway or something or just traffic. This is just to get in the canes.


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[Assistant] It reminds me of the In-N-Out line on, uh, What Sunset, that you're just like, Jesus Christ. Ventura's got it.


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[Assistant] Remember when you came and visited me when I was shooting Pitch Perfect and me and you went down and just smashed some Raising Canes?


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[Assistant] You know, Baton Rouge is where the first Raising Canes was. Well, so here's my question. Is this a raisin restaurant?


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[Assistant] It's a local restaurant. Raising Canes is from Baton Rouge.


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[Assistant] I mean, I was there for months and months, so it's not like I only ate at the Raising Canes, but Raising Canes is like a great late night, you're drunk, you're getting, you're getting food. Get that, I get that.


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[Assistant] Oh, well yeaah, I mean Chimes, Chimes is a dope local, uh, Chimes? Yeah, Baton Rouge restaurant bar. See, I like that. That's where I had a chugging contest with all the college kids.


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[Assistant] I'll do it. He swallowed the beer hole. He just like stuck a whole fucking glass in his mouth and swallowed it.


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[Assistant] Dude, to set the scene, it was like a kind of a dangerous place to be. I mean, there's a reason I gained 25 pounds and looked like a fucking, uh, you know.


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[Assistant] I'm shooting on the LSU campus, so I'm at the huge party school LSU. Which has a Shaq statue. Which has a Shaq statue. I can't emphasize that. So tight. And then Season 2 comes out while we were there, while Blake was visiting. So it was like...


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[Assistant] I mean, I mean there's a handful of bars, uh, right there and the place is called Tigerland. So it's like a gravel parking lot with like five or six bars around the outside of this giant parking lot.


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[Assistant] Alright. The rats, uh, in my storage facility are so hydrated right now. So, uh, they won't have to drink water for years.


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[Assistant] Well, if you guys are available, we are going to throw a big party, uh, for my, for my dad to celebrate the one year, um, uh, being cancer free in Lake of the Ozarks coming up soon.


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[Assistant] Then he gets COVID. And, uh, he just had COVID. I think he's in the clear to, uh, to be COVID free. Nice. Thank God. He got COVID and I was like, oh no, like that's the last thing he needs. He just got done with all of his cancer treatments. And then he was like, totally fine.


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[Assistant] Like, didn't even have a cough or anything, was just like, yeah, yeah, I'm fucked.


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[Assistant] No, I know. We've been going about 40 minutes. We've been going about 40 minutes.


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[Assistant] Are we really? Why didn't you like it as much? What made you not like it?


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[Assistant] Our setup wasn't the best. I feel like if we really, we, you know, if we were in town together, like a lot of these podcasts that you see, uh, we're just, we're always out of town, so we can't physically be in the same room together.


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[Assistant] So, uh, this is the best setup for this podcast, but if we were to be in the same town as each other, we would build like a stage and there'd be like two, two to two, you know.


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[Assistant] Have you guys cold plunged? I just did it, uh, I've done it a couple times, but I've done it for a few days in a row now, and I'm like three days in a row.


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[Assistant] Dude, it feels so good, I like, I'm like an old guy now, and I... Wrinkly balls. Tweet something in my...


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[Assistant] I was like kinda drunk and fell asleep on the couch and then woke up after 15 minutes and tried to adjust myself and then pinched something


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[Assistant] And then it still hurts. That was like two weeks ago. Uh, and then the cold plunge, baby, it feels so much better as soon as I get out, uh, from it. Where are you plunging and how cold? Uh, Tony Cavallaro who plays Keith on the Righteous Gemstones.


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[Assistant] Uh, has one. And then he also has an infrared sauna at his house. So we go, and we go back and forth.


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[Assistant] Uh, no, it's just for, for relaxation purposes as well. It doesn't need to be for like diseases, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure it does. There's like a long list of stuff that it helps. But I don't know, I'm at that age now that I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why, why did you go, I was talking about like back massagers, why are you putting it on your dick? Well what do you do with massagers? Cause you gotta try it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, your doo-doo puss. Your doo-doo puss. Yeah, just how he said, I mean, his line delivery was great, and he also added a ton of great stuff, but like, just how he said, like, whipped out the, uh,


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[Assistant] It was from season one, and we're in the junkyard, and he catches us. Yeah, BRAT episode. And, uh, he whips out, what is that, the Cubiton? And, uh, is that what it's called? Cubiton?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like the extending baton. Yeah, extending baton stick. And he then says, uh, light saber. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I honestly would have liked to be there. Eric is a friend of mine, and I was- It was-


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[Assistant] I would like to give flowers to Kyle for going to our friend Eric Griffin's wedding. Thank you for supporting. I would have liked to have been there. So I just want to say thank you for being the one to wave the flag for Team MOC. Thank you buddy.


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[Assistant] The leather satchel dirties up the- I know, it's a wands. So, the leather satchel is a ma- is like a merce. Is that from a wand? It's like a purse, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at, there's so many pockets. I like that Kyle was like ready to like, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, your armpit hair is like oozing, coming out the front, like you are a Nickelodeon character.


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[Assistant] Yeah, come on. What up? Except cool for the ending.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the tech, the tech boy is on the edge of his seat. Ready to flop out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, just watch it on, watch it on Hulu. You could just watch that on television, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucked Gabris in my dream last night. Oh, we were at Comic Con. No, we saw him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I believe it was the same day that they gave us the shittiest seats. It was like after season one or maybe two of Workaholics and they gave us the worst seats and they sat us like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the MTV music awards. And then we just walked, we were like kind of pissed at our seats. So we're like, let's just go get drunk. So we go to the bar outside. Gabris is out there. We're, we meet him for the first time. What? That was him. We pound vodka sodas. Cause was he guy code at that point?


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[Assistant] I think it might have been right before. Do you remember he came up to us and it was me and Ders, I remember specifically really chopping him up and he came out to us and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, hey, I'm new in town. I'm a big fan. And then he was just kind of a cool dude. So we just drank with him for like an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then we, we were like, well, let's just walk and see how close to the stage we can get until they kick us out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, was like a fan of ours and we're like keep the, and I guess they give champagne to the first few rows because Kanye needs champagne and so we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep em coming. So we're just holding like six goblets of champagne.


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[Assistant] Uh, and then her husband says something to me and she goes, do you know who my husband is? And I go, uh, nope, seems like a pretty cool dude. And he goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Titan of Industry. And I go, very cool. And his friend is sitting next to him and I go, are you a Titan of Industry as well? And he goes, I own Sprint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we, we ended up having like a really cool night and Kyle decided to go fight a park, uh, a parked car somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know exactly why we are where we are. Yes, there was a reason. They knew why. And was that the same night that, uh, we jumped- I jumped on stage with Katy Perry and uh- Wait, what?


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[Assistant] And then, and then it was, uh, uh, it was for all the press, so they could take photos of people holding their trophies or whatnot. And it was right after, I think, Tyler, and then Katy Perry's next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uh, the head of like press for MTV called Isaac the next day, our manager, and was like, Adam needs to apologize to Katy Perry. That's right.


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[Assistant] Everybody just shut it down. I just want to speak to Katie. I just want to speak to Katie. I'm down. I'm all the way down. Okay, if you guys could just, I feel like you're still wearing your headphones and it feels like, it feels like- We are, but they're muted. They're muted. Oh, they are muted. Then how did you hear that?


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[Assistant] To say how truly sorry I am that, uh, I was...


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[Assistant] And it was like a bar where there was like literally like six people in their total. And we were four of them.


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[Assistant] You go, you have like a glass of wine, and we, we rolled in like a tornado, and I think our energy-


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Orlando Bloom? Orlando Bloom. He swang on the beat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If one of us fought Justin Bieber, we'd be like, well, what are you doing? Like, you have no reason to really fight Justin Bieber. With Orlando Bloom, it was like over a girl. Or like, who's the hottest guy? Are you even sure?


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[Assistant] I mean honestly, I did get really drunk the other day, uh, for the first time, and man, it really came, it really hit me hard. Yep, here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming out in the sauce. Yeah, I got drunk on Friday, but then I'm not drinking as much. I'm really just trying to get skinnier. I've got pretty fat there for a minute. So I'm trying to. Me too. And guess what?


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[Assistant] I can tell your face is looking a little thinner.


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[Assistant] Those are super nice, but the concept 2's are like 800 bucks or something, and uh, they're great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and like a real fight between them, you, you gotta go Bloom. The Reach, I think the Reach, he's also... Is he that big or is he small?


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, for sure. I see that, I see that for us. I feel like he's done some training.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm jealous. A little butthurt that I wasn't invited because I did have some time off of work and I could have came to Comic Con. No one even told me Comic Con was happening.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was like a series of different artists doing different iterations of...


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[Assistant] I was Michelangelo. Were you Michelangelo, that's right. And I was not Donatello. No, you weren't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it Eric Bowser? Is that right? Yea, Eric Rocks. He was, uh, when I did that cartoon Uncle Grandpa, when I was a piece of pizza, when I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I was, it was rowdy. It was fun. And then we threw out a bunch of t-shirts and like they stormed the stage and they were like acting as if


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if someone was gonna get trampled to death. Like, there were- It wasn't-


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[Assistant] It wasn't like, uh, at Comic Con, it was like, at the place next door, so it's not really tied to Comic Con, it was just, we're doing our own thing, and during Comic Con. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well that's cool, that's, that's fun, uh, that you guys had another Comic Con experience.


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[Assistant] That's opened up, uh, before my stand-up special.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and you guys, uh, crushed that. The fans were very pumped that, uh, to see you out there opening up. It's all relative, you know? It's all kind of like, who's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that would, well it might fly as like a novelty thing, but then I don't know if the hip-hop nature of uh, the wizards would fully cross over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to the wizards on Spotify? We started to talk a little bit about this right before I get messaged almost every day. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] First of all, I didn't know anyone truly still listens to the album often enough that I'd be getting this many DMs about the Wizards album not being on.


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[Assistant] But evidently people, people love perp, perp, perp, purple magic. I know.


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[Assistant] Uh, but, but check it out, it's, it's a, uh. Bro, thank god they haven't found those yet. A bunch of wizards that kind of look like us, that are from another realm, that, uh, are hip-hop rapping wizards. All there is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Convince old Toby to battle the rights of Sorcerer to-


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[Assistant] Uh, the album, and that is one of my favorite lines out of any of the songs was, uh,


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[Assistant] Well, I, real quick, I would like to give flowers to, uh, I'd like to give flowers to Katy Perry. Uh, hey, thanks for hanging in there those 15 seconds that I was on that. No, you guys can stay here for this. Okay. Hanging in there that 15 seconds, uh, while I was trying to hype our show, um, getting people to watch. So thank you for, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today on This Is Important, 419 is the weed fluke tog.


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[Assistant] Oh my god! That is sick, dude. Congrats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big shout out to Cory Duffel. No, it's Cory Duffy, but we were, we were making a pun, man. Hey, well I know a guy named Duffy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, it's true, and I was watching this boxing match, ended up getting really really hammered and went and passed out on my bed, and a dude got, was so fucked up that he wandered into my room at night with me and my girl at the time, and I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handled it so well, it could have just been a murderer coming in to kill us.


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[Assistant] Maybe I should have done it, that's my bad, but I felt like I, I gotta-


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[Assistant] It was, I must have forgot to lock the door when I went to bed because it was like this night of a big boxing match and I had a lot of margaritas, ended up passing out on the hotel bed. Right. So this was like 3am or 4am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could have been that as well. I mean I stumbled into the room and passed out on the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sunglasses at night? Like, what are we dealing with here? I- I was- I was bla- I was- I was- I was equally fucked up. I wasn't in my- How do you remember then? Cause I distinctly remember escorting the man out and then being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, being like, yo, a guy just came in here and I just kicked him out of the room.


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[Assistant] Kyle, wait, but Kyle, really, why, why is that part of the memory?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, do they allow Larry the Cable Guy to say get her done as?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were very cool, they made it too easy. So wait, uhm, are, so does that mean that you're gonna have a really packed schedule or are you gonna have a little time to, you know, walk the, walk the streets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that kind- we kind of had, uh, maybe one or two of those scenarios when we were living at the workaholics house. There were a few nights where it was just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the one thing about all the cops that, I mean for anybody who lives like where the productions are being done, like all the cops who are usually on set,


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[Assistant] Yeah, before they would go to commercials, they'd be like, here's a, like a odd piece of trivia made. Is it true or false? And then they would say it. And then when they came back from the commercial, they go, never happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just doing a dab, right? No, no, dab is like high quality concentrated THC. Resin is truly like


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[Assistant] Oh no, dabs, dabs fuck you up, dude. I do not fuck with dabs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I did was I put the tips of the knives


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[Assistant] On the electric stove, and then I took the nug of weed, put it between the two hot knives.


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[Assistant] I have my lips very close to the hot metal. Very close. I was living on the edge.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the move was like going to a hardware store. You could steal everything so easily because they were just such small like things that you needed like a little, little pipe here.


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[Assistant] Allegedly! Well, cause if you bought them, they would know what you're doing and they wouldn't sell them to you. Like, I remember- They don't give a fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like the Red Bull, um, when they make the machines and the fluke tog. Yeah. It's the 419 is the weed fluke tog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Importance, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... What do you think Will Smith's dick looks like?


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[Assistant] You forgot. You forgot where they are, huh? You hit the wrong button, Blake? Is that your defense?


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[Assistant] He fuckin' skewered you, brother. Oh yea, oh he did. He threw me, he threw me under f-fifty buses. Yea, yea. Yea, but that's alright. He called you a bus. You know, I think this is a good uhm, you know, active character right here and uhm, I am steppin' up and I miss the guy. I miss him. What do you miss? I miss the little tyke. I miss him. I'm a huge bitch!


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[Assistant] Pickleball is constant. The pickleball, my dink game is getting stronger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figuring out that more- What's a dink? Is that like a volley?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So, you know, the pickleball has been consistent. Still love the game. Uhm, yeaah. Fatter than ever out there. Yeaah, I'm stomping around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof. That's a lot to ask me to do. Uhm, but yeaah, yeaah, sure. Drop and do five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna flip it right back on you and magnify your beauty, because you sent us a pic, I think you posted it on IG a while back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we did have a pretty glorifying, uh, uh, private conversation at Blake's birthday. Now we're bringing it into the public eye, alright? Okay, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they came into your house. There are animals that are in your house. Those are pets. You let your pets die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Food artist is the name, the food artist is the name of the person that comes in into commercials and is like, that looks art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the, the cheese? Well they put, they, I know they spray a glisten on it. They put a glisten on it so it catches the light. You know, they put like that fucking like shine on it. It makes it a little sweet. It's like a little sweet burger. Is that what it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I'll fucking tell you, it doesn't matter, it's their tostada bowl to go, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a Tostada bowl to go. It's fucking dope. I used to get it all the time at the Hamlin house when we were like pre-workaholics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tostada bowl? People call it tostados though. What's wrong with saying tostada bowl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can have a taco salad with strips of chips in it. You don't, it's not a bowl. You can have that, right? You can!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would call that a tostada? What do you call it? What are you calling it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're calling it a taco salad, not a tostada bowl. Why not call it a tostada bowl? What's wrong with that? That's what I said, by the way. Wow, I'm gonna bow out.


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[Assistant] Everything, everything which I already, uhm, did.


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[Assistant] She's- Oh, she had- I saw her. She had stairs. I saw some pictures. She had some stairs as she came down, I think. Look fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like every eight to nine minutes, we're talking about Dick's income. Every eight to nine minutes, it's like...


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[Assistant] Called like the unimaginable weight of massive talent, the unbearable weight of a massive


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[Assistant] Is it dropped? Is it out? It's out. Is it in Theaters?


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe just bounce for a sec, you know? Like get off the cameras and stuff.


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[Assistant] What changes? Does your dick change over time? I'm sorry, but I'm hoping to have the same dick my entire life. The more you, the longer you live with your dick the more it looks like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do. You see all that shit in that movie. I remember when his head got split too. It was like a very, very frightening shot for me as a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me know, and also I want to know if it, it probably was real. It wasn't like VFX as like a technique. Not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love, no, I just, I love it. It's not going up, it's going up against every other holiday like I'm saying. I think it might be my favorite holiday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The weather, the weather's nice. The weather's nice. Okay. The weather's nice. You get to hide the eggs. You get to see the kids when they find the eggs. You get to hide them in hard spots and then like be like, oh, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, was that like, do you think that's historically, like how brutalized Jesus got? Is that historically correct? Oh, none of that should happen first of all, but yeah, that's how it went down. Ders, stop. Ders.


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[Assistant] That's all I remember. I don't remember anything else besides the boat.


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[Assistant] It's dawning on me. I don't know any of this guy's work except for fucking taxi driver. Like I need to go on a Shredathon. You've seen autofocus though, right? I have. I have. Okay, yeah, that's him too. Right, right.


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[Assistant] Daryl is fucking, I never ever would have seen that movie if it wasn't for Anders. And so I'm just like, and I fucking, that movie's so sick. Yeah, Daryl's sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it! Oh yeah! No, that fucking shot is unreal. I know, we've, we've watched that shot. We've watched that shot. It's behind his nutsack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I know like what the dude stands for more than like his movies, like he himself is more of like a, in essence of fucking like purity, like film purity, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was just trying to be, I heard, uhm, what's his name, uh, Vinterberg talk about that, Thomas Vinterberg, a lesser known dogma filmmaker. Who, who did what? Who's Vinterberg? Uh, he did The Hunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but that was just them trying to, they, they formed this alliance for the purity of cinema. I love this. And then they tried to get directors, like American directors to join them. Right. And what happened, the directors were like, mm, no, it's all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not gonna limit ourselves. All the direct- all the other directors? But like, film school kids were- No, no. Harmony, uh, Harmony Kareen did one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know he's had, he's had like a fucking awesome career. I, I fucking, I know his name bro, Peter McNichol, like.


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[Assistant] Do hard rocks? Are they still, they still got memorabilia? That was my favorite part about those things. That and like fucking Planet Hollywood.


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[Assistant] And it's the thing, it went with me everywhere bro. That went from like my childhood bedroom to every bedroom I had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it as a gift. My parents got it for me for one of my birthdays. Cause they thought you liked her or you did or what? Well, that thought, I did. I did like, when she came out with Genie in a Bottle, like that first album, I really dug her. I thought she was fucking awesome, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not talking shit on her now cause she's just, she's great. She can do no wrong in my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marrying. What we're saying, no, we're saying. We're marrying them. Yeah, we're marrying them eventually, but we're saying that we're gonna go on a four-golf, a four-date, a four-date to golf. What is this? It's not double, it's a quadra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be so tight. It would go off. I would play some bass for Christina. I would love to just play the bass while she rocks out. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, I have a lot, I have a lot also, Anders, like a ton of shit that is just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, it's true. No, I- I, I, I play ball, but, but- Life long A's fan? Blake and I, Blake and I play ball together, it's fine. We would play softball all the time, it's okay. I'm more like, worried, I was more thinking about what he was saying in actuality, and I agree. Don't, don't wear the fucking coat.


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[Assistant] What did he do? That's what I'm saying, you're running the risk of being bad not on purpose if you're not bad on purpose.


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[Assistant] But that's it. But you're no, you're gonna know. We're gonna know. We're gonna know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know? You don't know? Carl Lewis? Dude, I'll leak that shit, bro. I'll pin you here until you say it wasn't a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you say it? Poultrygeist? You know, you guys know what it's from, right? Originally. Poultrygeist. Poultrygeist. It's a chicken movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's one of the chicken claymation movies. We're back is originally from the Revenge of the Nerds 2 teaser. The telephone. Oh. Yes. Were the telephones ringing and it's all creepy? No, that, they stole that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I know about Flight of the Navigator, and you guys don't, probably, right? Yea, I don't know what that is. That's weird. That's the cusp. Six trade offs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the opening is fucking still gets me shook. But guys can't, who is the voice


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, by and large, obviously Robin Williams snapped off in Ali, in Ali Don.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pixar is Disney, isn't it? Now, but it wasn't before. It was Steve Jobs. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so all the Pixar movies were up to snuff, if not as good as Snow White. Okay, is that your bar? No, but what is the best Disney of that era


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But pre, pre, uh, Pixar. Like old, old Fox and the Hound. Old, old up until 2000, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, wait, have you guys heard of Lorenzo Music? What's this? No. No, only Lamas. Lorenzo's Oil. He's also a voice actor who sounds exactly like Bill Murray, and he did, he did the voice on Ghostbusters the cartoon, but he's done a bunch of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little, a little bumpy in some parts there, but like, heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the secret scene at the end? Cause I hadn't seen that in the theaters. We left. And then there's an after credits scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, they're teeing it up, baby. Okay, great. Okay, muncher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam's smiling like he's already in the sequel. Are you muncher?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. So wait, they're gonna cover all this shit, right? The, are we naming the establishment? Yea, does it hurt? Oh, it's like life storage or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you do though, you sprinkle the rice out so the birds eat it and then they explode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a fuckin' Alka-Seltzer. You coulda two-bird-one-stoned it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you could at least go through people's shit. You could read files about people. You could take bricks of cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna sell it. You just buy it and then you sell it and then you buy another one and re-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You keep the rice, you resell the golf cart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember what went down though? My wife had gone out of town. And I was like, I'm gonna go buy a fucking car. So I went and bought a car. And I think I sent you guys a picture like, oops. And Adam was like, wait, we can buy cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you went and bought a car. I think, or Blake went to go look at one but didn't find one and then Adam just swooped in and bought one and then Blake got one the next day and we all rolled up. And they couldn't have been more like, oh well that's Adam's car, that's Blake's car and that's Anders' car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did they recognize you? Had we aired? I guess one episode had aired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After the Trump rope. Well no, cause we, we got green lit to right before we aired even, right? For season two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had aired one episode after the Trump roast. He might have seen that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Picking up my wife at the airport in a new car was hilarious. Oh, that's great. Cause she was like, where'd she piss first? No, she was like, I don't get it. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the car I drive now. He's like, huh? But that's how it goes. Whenever she leaves town, I'll like, pick up a new TV. Like, you know. That's cool. I think- Sneaky big pur-purchases. Purchases. Purchasettes. Sneaky percussettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy might not want the car. Call him and tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time. One time. I did it on the way to a, like a birthday dinner or something. Oh shit. So I ran out, I had to like run and like go fill up like a, buy a thing to fill up with gas, then like go back, and then when I showed up everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are these whipets like the canisters or like through the whip cream? No, canisters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are all these contraptions and like, and then you watch somebody do it and they're just fully toast, they're fully gone for 30 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, like, if your apartment's not scary in your 20s, like, or like, late teens, early 20s, you're not really doing it right. I mean, I, admittedly we partied a lot there, it was very fun. It's gotta be a little scary, right? Like, tapestries on the wall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Healthy D. Let's call him Healthy D. He's got a real healthy D. Healthy D and the boys. That's pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, like, you say, Blake, what the fuck, like, you're blowing up my spot, but at the same time, sounds like your parents. You could just be like, Mom, you barely got out of bed today for the wedding, so... Yeah. Yes, it's the way.


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[Assistant] He's the one who kicked off the nudity at your bowser party, correct?


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[Assistant] On my phone, or like online. I did, yeaah. 10 years ago or 20 years ago. I was crushing.


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[Assistant] Okay, uhm, hey, cool way to put a


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[Assistant] Except for practical effects don't happen anymore.


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[Assistant] Have you guys seen, uh, speaking of little drinks, have you guys seen this thing?


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[Assistant] I feel like I just explained what it was, it's an Arizona iced tea, lemon flavored concentrate squirt, where you just have a glass of water and go, and then you have lemonade, or uh, iced tea with lemon flavor.


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[Assistant] Yeah. You know who updated their shit and I'm not happy about it. Okay, let's hear it. Bullseye BBQ sauce.


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[Assistant] Kind of, yea, it was like a classic, just like bull. I don't f- I do.


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[Assistant] I think it was like a, a craft. It was made by craft. It was a big push in the early nineties blade.


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[Assistant] I remember kind of not, I was like what, 23 or something and just going shopping for groceries on my own for kind of the first time as a young man and they're like picketing and I'm walking past it like, I don't know, I just need ice cream and some fucking Eggo waffles, excuse me.


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[Assistant] Remember Von Zipper's sunglasses? That's fine, the sun- the sunglasses, those are fine. Yeaah, dude, straight up like- They had like glass lenses, right? They were nice. Oo-ee. So-


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[Assistant] I had a job, no it was just about the opening, in, in college I worked at Northwestern University in like the athletic facility thing, and they had like all these uhm,


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[Assistant] And I would just bike over there, get there at like,


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[Assistant] 8 or uh, 758. Throw all the toys out of the closet into the racquetball place. Go shower. In the locker room.


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[Assistant] Well technically, you guys lived at the house, so... Yea.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think if I- That's what I'm saying, exactly.


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[Assistant] No, he works at the dad's law firm. No, they're, they're step people together.


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[Assistant] But anything- I'm sorry. Are we sure that it was Paul Rudd that was the stepbrother? It wasn't the other guy?


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[Assistant] And then he just gobbed it on your shit. That shit was disgusting. I did that shit, cause it was new and I'm like, let's go, let's go.


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[Assistant] There was a scent called, I believe it was called gridiron, that was off the chain. Swagger, I don't love. Pure Sports, okay. No, it's all about fresh.


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[Assistant] Toil and trouble. What would you start with? Like a plunger? Oh, that's boss with a two by four.


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[Assistant] Just, I'm like, oh, this is a funky beat. You just turned into human jungle music? Uh huh. Dude, it's terrible.


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[Assistant] Kyle, have you looked, watched any competitions? Have you looked at any level of play outside of like the people you're playing with in Toronto and uhm, our homies, 60 year old parents? Have you looked outside of that?


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[Assistant] I have a question as well. Is the uniform involved? What's the protocol as far as that goes? Can you wear a tank top?


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[Assistant] Are you rolling up on a motorcycle? Like...


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[Assistant] Kyle, do you think you've found the thing that you're gonna stick with till you're 60? Like, is this feeling very real to you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's the other thing. Like, surfing, if you don't live on the beach is such a pain in the ass. You gotta wake up early as fuck. Dawn Patrol.


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[Assistant] You gotta really want, you gotta really love those waves.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I guess the only reason I came out out the gate with that is I played a lot, I played in a lot of, um, like online tournaments during, uh,


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[Assistant] During the real shut-in COVID times. And I was pretty good at it, but then again, no one can see my face because I'm...


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[Assistant] Playing on an iPad, but. Right, right. But it was very fun.


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[Assistant] Let's do it. Let's get together. Let's put some real money on the table. I'm not that good at poker.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'd be really good at war. I'm really good at war.


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[Assistant] I had a similar thing with Anders where I thought I was pretty decent at badminton.


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[Assistant] Like then you see people who are actually good and like people who are Olympians and it's like, oh my god, I'm like not even scratching the fucking surface.


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[Assistant] Dude, that's what's up. You know, like the little ones on the track with the, with the controller? So, like, remote control cars? Basically.


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[Assistant] And we would be, guys, together as a team. We would be paintball superstars.


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[Assistant] Alright. The shoes do not affect your game as much as the paintball gun, the marker affects your game. If you have a shit marker, which is what they call paintball guns, you're not gonna do nothing.


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[Assistant] I know what you could do. I know what you could do.


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[Assistant] Sure, I- I know what Ders is. I know what Ders is. What happened to paintball? What happened to paintball? Ders, are you ready?


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[Assistant] You become a dog show competitor. You're a dog show guy.


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[Assistant] Hold on, cause yeah, we covered like bowling you can get to, but like, what-


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[Assistant] I thought it was super niche. I didn't realize like these were, this was an ESPN event and there's like actually an audience for it. I didn't know that that was something you could do. I thought you had to be a part of the show or invited. I didn't even know that was something that was real. Like can you, can you just stroll up as like an audience member?


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[Assistant] I feel like K-pop stars kinda rock that look too, so it might be, it might be.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you guys look fuckin' hot as hell. Durst kinda has a devil lock, he's kinda goin' nispits, that's cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of licklipping, man.


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[Assistant] I bet I could get paid 5 years from now. Do they still have tournaments?


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[Assistant] Okay, what about this though? Like say like I picked up.


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[Assistant] How long do you have to live in a country before you can compete for them in the Olympics?


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[Assistant] The USA team. But has anybody, like, who has been on the maximum amount of, uh, country teams for the Olympics? Like, has anybody done three countries representing or?


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[Assistant] Look up Song Exploder with the Nightmare Before Christmas with Danny Elfman. He's talking to you guys listening.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna take back the fact that I said I would be a good pro fingerboarder in five years. You're right, that is way harder than I thought. I don't think I would be very good. I don't think I have the patience for it.


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[Assistant] Sure. Yes, yes, yes. So don't try. Never try.


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[Assistant] The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.


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[Assistant] That guy freakin' rocked. Oh my god. Hey. Damn. Can I rock your guy's world? Please, always. Absolutely.


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[Assistant] And this one's covered in chocolate, so is this just a baby Ruth? Uh, yeaah, that's definitely


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[Assistant] Were you like, this dog's getting a high, I will never know.


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[Assistant] Let's not talk about Cheech or Chong because everyone we talk about dies. That's true.


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[Assistant] You know what he was on? He was on, uh, a high adrenaline because when they, when I'm in my room waiting to go on and Adam's like, okay, cool. I'm going to go out and start. I go great.


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[Assistant] But so then in the hallway, everybody's lined up, and they all start clapping, clapping, clapping, clapping, clapping, clapping, and he's like, and I was like, this dude's about to go to war out there.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm wondering, if Ellen, when she hosts, has that go down. Absolutely.


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[Assistant] Let me just say this. It does seem weird that like, they would just do it for guest hosts. Like who was like, hey a new thing we're gonna do for guest hosts is this.


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[Assistant] Exactly. I feel like maybe they did it for Ellen too. No, I don't think they do.


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[Assistant] It doesn't seem like they would, but it seems weird that they just would do that for guest hosts. Like who said let's do that?


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[Assistant] I thought it was fun. I thought it was fun. I agree. I don't disagree.


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[Assistant] But all my dancing is like, I come from the grind era, you know? So it's very much like middle school grinding.


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[Assistant] It would have helped, it would have helped me tremendously for sure, but. You guys freak dance? Oh. Dude. Yeah, it's a freak dance kind of like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I will say, uh, who's home, uh, homegirl from Modern Family? Adam, help me out. Uh, Julie Bowen? Julie Bowen went on before me and they did this, like, uh, this game where they had to answer a question with three examples of like, hey, name


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[Assistant] I get horny and you wanna laugh. As we established last week, they're super horny.


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[Assistant] And as far as like acting went, we would be doing like scenes and stuff and it's not like he would be, you'd be like, Oh my God, this guy's going to get an Oscar.


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[Assistant] But he so casually easily could just look at a page and then like, or a couple pages and then just like throw it away.


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[Assistant] And then say the lines and you were like, oh, he not only memorized them as fast as you've ever seen anybody memorize them, but he made them his own, like very natural. You know what I mean? That's incredible. That's an incredible skill. It was unreal. Unreal.