[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a Cape Town festival like years ago. 16 years ago they did a Cape Town comedy festival out there and it was, Jim Jeffries was out there before he ever came to America or anything. That was a weird like, it is so funny seeing those international, like the guys, big photo op, you have to go downstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Graham Smith is here. So, like, you know, we go down now before he leaves because we want to get these pictures. And I'm like, who is that? And they go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, Graham Smith. He goes, dude, you don't understand. This is like taking a picture with like Barry Bonds. And like, well, it isn't because you know who Barry Bonds is. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, overseas, uh, comics too, like when they're popular and stuff, I mean, multi-millions of like, that Luisa Goa name I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like it's multiple hours. Yeah, so it's funny. It's funny as you're headlining more too that like the idea of local spots I do less and less than them, but they are important to some degree. Yeah, they do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, New York has been, yeah, for sure. I mean, I was surprised to find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point somebody told me there is a network of shows that they're calling Safe Space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would go to a safe space comedy show, would be like, nope, divorce is too much. Some people in the audience have been divorced. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're now playing to the people who are watching only to find the reason to hate you. Right. Seems very bizarre. Uhm, it's hard not to give like any time or value to it, but yea, more so. You think LA though? It's illegal to skank stuff how it's like built up. You guys have created a not safe space following. So then people go for fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come exactly for what it is. Yeah, everyone takes it as a joke. I said the problem, I was talking to Bert Kreischer about this last night. What's become weird is when people put their...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're raging against something for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just dick around, like, it might be about something as benign as buying a car to like, or something as raunchy as whatever, so. Yea, exactly. It's nothing, I've never done it, like, I've never written a joke that wasn't, like, super filthy or whatever, and I've gone like, wah, it's not really on brand. I'm like, I don't know, but I think it's funny, like, I'll give it a shot. So it's funny, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a lot to be said for like, interview the person. Don't like just take a comic set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On that, I know. It's, I know it's not a great analogy but it's, I do think it's similar to like running Edward Norton over the coals for his white supremist beliefs, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did you attack that store and go in there with your white supremacist skinhead friends? That was a film. I was like, yeah, but I mean you did it, so you probably also mean it. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sometimes you have some words, like, I think uhm, most comedy gets explanatory like that though when you're kinda forced to. Yeah. Like you wish, like this hammering,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird direction, off color, punch line is just gonna get what it deserves, but like, you end up making a point because to get that joke to work you have to now explain to an audience what's okay and why it's just that I'm kidding and you shouldn't be upset. It's bizarre. You know, we have uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tie in to the degenerates actually was that they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The backlash was going to come, it was just a preemptive strike because I'm saying the joke, particularly that joke, there was plenty of things and I did a joke where I say Tranny that got some shit and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't have a problem with that at all. It was that. Because of the flack that had already come back from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I just thought, because of the joke, I said, but listen, the context of the joke is saying that I understand sensitivity to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an explanatory joke that takes the steam off of anybody getting angry at it. And they were still like, yea, context means literally nothing. Because all people are going to hear is blah, blah, blah, and then the trigger word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But I've said that indegenerate thing. I think it's bizarre that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like, transgender people should be murdered, and there are grotesque abominations. People go, transgender though, at least. That was cool, we gave him the term. Versus I saying like, you know, I said I've had weird things from like women online that have come to me when I said things online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how far off it would be. I mean, it can only, it depends on the, that's owner to owner also. Some owners buckle hard to the audience and some are like so comic centric, so. And the comic centric ones sometimes go too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they want to be your best friend and also have like a weird like, you know, they fight for you too hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and a bad sign for where it's going, the Comedy Cell or New York, and they called me in one time to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sit down and talk with me. It was, it was insane. About what? Jeff Ross and Natal were doing bumping mics around the corner. I was watching that. Hilarious. They told me they were gonna probably bring me on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the booker and the owner wanna talk to you. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and I went over and they, uh, it was a talk to me about a four page letter they received from a 20 year old white girl about how racist I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were talking, and I'm like, it was laughable, cause you're going, guys, well I've worked here 14 years. Yeah. You think I slipped through the cracks in that, you didn't realize that I was a raging racist? And they go, well no, but then what the fuck are we doing here, man? Are you gonna do this for every...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, girl with a ponytail who walks out like stink-faced because it was, it's insane. What made me angry is I know who wrote the letter. Really? Because... Let's get her. The night, well I don't know, I don't know her by name or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You walk through an aisle that's got, it's lined with booths. So you're seeing some people's backs, some people are facing you. You kinda just beeline it through there and figure the most you gotta do is like kinda high five the people that are facing you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a guy that was facing me stood up and he was like, you know, fan or whatever shook hands and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to be nice to her, that means a lot to me, so I'm genuinely like, oh thank you man, thank you so much, that's so cool of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a girl behind him was turned with her hands extended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I thought, oh, this is like, I'm not going to make a scene in the club. I'll let me go outside. She's going to say something outside and then we'll make her look at the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she came out and just, you know, did the angry ponytail swing, walked in to say anything, and left. And I just, no one thought about it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They called me in. They dropped it. They literally said it by the end of the conversation. They were like, this was dumb to bring you in. I think they're just frazzled. Yeah, of course. Because, you know, Louie came in the front door and then there's like protesters. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was like two fat ladies from somewhere just like with like homemade signs and they're like, but it just, you know, a business gets like wound up over there. Yeah, for sure. It's scary. It's scary to them. What if they say our chicken fingers are bad? Also, what's next? Was it one joke or a set?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I thought it was just this. I thought there was someone going to say their anger was about this, but I think they just found something beyond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made a joke about a hotel room and I said something about a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I always say stay at Trump Tower Hotel. Someone said they were staying at Trump Tower Hotels and I go, you guys should write, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jizz messages all over the wall and everything, you know, like, Trump, you fascist scumbag, and the crowds start to clap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't do politics at all. I don't give a shit. And I was like, I was like, don't fucking clap. I'm not leading a charge. And I go, I voted for Trump. How about that? I go, is it still funny what I said? Just assume I should have voted for Trump. And now tell me if the joke was, you know, cause I didn't vote for Trump. I don't give a shit about it. But like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is just being like, I think saying that even as a joke makes her just go like, well this guy's a monster. I didn't vote for Trump. You know what I mean? I'm not a Trump supporter of any way, but I just like, I also would say it doesn't infiltrate my comedy at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to do business with them, let them fucking go. What's inside of them, like brewing, will not function as a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I mean, it was almost when Tosh went to that thing where they were like, rape apologist and it's, the bummer is Bill Cosby fucked this up for everybody. My real belief would be,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, did you see when they did, when all that was happening, I think Sam Morrell and Tosh both had the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, to Jonathan Silverman. Oh, Jonathan Silverman, okay. Yeah, from Weekend at Bernie's. Was the piece of shit, uh, comic. They had him at the comic strip in New York. The opening scene is this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Him doing stand-up with, I mean, quote-unquote, stand-up with the SVU cops are in the front row for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably not a good audience for comedy in general because they're all wearing their guns and like pissed in the front row before he even gets on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two guys who leave the show are so inspired by his words they rape a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's like, is he responsible for that? And then they do whittle down to at least, at very least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little side where they, where they pull from the headlines and then add a little extra. Yeaah. The comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen in network do. The only thing you're putting out there of this kind of story is like, yea, he incites rape and is a rapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me so happy. When we went through this on the bonfire, uhm, what struck me so hard at first that I laughed over and over again was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shift of emotion from, she was on a genuine exhale of like, thank god that's over. She goes, she was on the exhale like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Experience? I've been with my girlfriend for a while now, like, seven, eight years, and uh, yeaah, still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you make her smell those rips? I'll tell you what, yes I have, and it got to a point, I'd say maybe a year ago, it got to a point where just casually and freely I would, and then she also said to her, she was like, yeah, it's like a lot when you can do it. And by the way, I'm not like a very like fart all day and fart loud person in front of her, I really don't, but just circumstantially I have in front of her and she,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show the slightest dis- disinterest in order, you know, having a problem with that, and I try now to not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, everyone shits. She's gonna have to, there's shit sounds, we live in a New York apartment, it happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's so funny too, cause our, the sides of our apartment just kinda where everything's set up. You know, we watch TV together at night, like the only time we can kinda sit there and just relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time she gets up to discreetly just go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you know, I, she just wants to go and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go real quick and kind of come back, but I don't want to explain what's happening on TV. Right. So I hit pause and then grab my phone and then just inevitably from this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hear it anyways. You hear a sweet girl's voice going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, yes, some people have tweeted us there was crossover with that. I mean, this guy is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You interviewed someone related to? Was it Julia? We interviewed Julia. We found Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything inside of you. Are we right that it was a gym bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so insecure that I need the, like, I gotta be pretty sure a girl's going like, I like you. It was funny that when someone's hitting on you and you're insecure and she gives you an insecure reason still while she's hitting on you she goes, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, I think you're really cute, we should hang out sometime. I was like, thanks. She goes, but, she goes, but you know, like John Goodman is like my dream guy for some reason. You're like, alright. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. No, I've heard that exact line. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Okay. Like, I like big uh, so, and then when we went home, I went home that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that I could see how you feel. Did he ever ask her if she wanted dick pics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think his aggressive nature, I bet he's fucked out of his weight class several times though. Like out of his league, like for sure, because like sometimes you just go for it. I think some women are like, this guy must, he must have something going on, he's so confident. And then the next morning, that's when they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like a chick, a chick that like, uh, has like, you know her house just smells of animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not. Of course. You're an adult making decent decisions. Yeaah. This guy hasn't made decent decisions. I mean from like drive through orders to wall of Coot-Tremont. Nothing makes it. That looks like the house of a serial killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem. I should have put some videos out there. Yeah. Topgolf. That's where you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only describe as like a battle tank around him. I think it was like a Monte Carlo or something. Uh huh. But it was big. And uh, we were going and he was talking, me and Mike Fennoy in the car and there was two black women that were getting into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate it. This reminds me of, me and my girlfriend have a, we've gone on a site, what was it called? Omegle? Did you ever hear of Omegle? No. There's like an adult section of Omegle, there's one where it's like just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it just goes, guys, just beat, and there's a swig of guys like beating all the, and then they see it's like, this couple like laughing at them, and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you could do it for 20 minutes and just see you guys, like, in their weirdest, like, they're already in full flux of beating off and then go, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's definitely, he owns bone tools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the first year we had like 400 some people in like a small venue that just we did two days of programming and they came and enjoyed and now we're up to like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it crazy how perverted like those stories?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talk about this a lot, I think like having the burden of perspective. It bums me out more than being there for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna go on next, like, let's go watch, like, Dio V8. I was like, oh yeah, sure. And we went up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Washington was such a goosebump moment. And, uh, you know, the venues turned on us since and said that they were afraid to stop that because they were thought violence from New York, whatever nonsense that would have never happened. None of it would not have happened because to get him off stage, it would have been going to somebody in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Christine, my girlfriend, who's one of the producers, or Louis, whatever it is, and just saying like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be arguing about giving him the light, does it make sense? It wouldn't be a shutdown of the power thing and no one was upset anyway. The staff there was thrilled about it and it was such a cool moment in comedy and I hate that if you, if you live


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the perspective that like, Louis is like an incurable, uh, unapologetic piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy made women uncomfortable. Like no one's cheering for them. It's not that bad. It was a comedy thing and like, I hate that, that if you, if that's what you want to believe, like that's a moment that scares you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The look in everyone just loves them still, and everyone doesn't care about women, it's just not about them, it's a shame. I know, it's not that at all. But it was, it was an amazing moment there, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he'd be fine very quickly. You know what I mean? I think he's one willing to discuss it if you want to discuss it that bad. And I think he doesn't make, he does, he makes apology and I think he genuinely is like, yeah man, I didn't know, I didn't know how much I was fucking up. Apparently I was fucking up. And I think he's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, it goes to like that kind of sycophantic thing that you worry about when we see people going like, you gotta go dirtier and darker. It's like, people that get sycophantic are like, yeah, fuck the haters. And it's like, just let the guy do it. I got a message. Look, he's still talented. Yeah, of course. Hands down, one of my still favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even realizing that would be a bad show. For you, you'd be like, even if you got the person to some degree or made them look stupid, there's still something like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, I have a, I said this at a party yesterday too, and I was thinking, the bummer of that, people getting angry at your comedy, is that like, I have such a boyish...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That made my go- You know, you guys, this is a very popular show. The thanks people give you from just entertaining them while they do their mundane thing. Is crazy. Or even if it's an important thing, but they have to drive three hours a day or whatever. How much it means to them is such a cool thing. Yeah? Well yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Howard Stern. Every minute of every week, through the course of a week I listen to every minute of Howard Stern and then all the Sternthology stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been real serious where it's like, I get dialysis every day. They've given me seven months and still I let, and you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah man, what a crazy thing to even know someone that happened to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With everything, you know, and just like, just a wacky boyfriend. And this is like your, this is your manager. My manager, yeaah. Yeaah, for 8 years man, it was a bummer for sure, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was such an intense thing for me, it was like, uh, to be frazzled, like, just how fragile it all is, you know? Like, it's one of those that really hits you. It hits you, I think- Giggling with a guy. With you, it's like- Three hours before, and then, you know, him giggling. Three hours before. Yeah, I said, you know, it was interestingly, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, Harrison, I just think you were involved in such a psychotic event. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's one of the owners of the Stand Comedy Club in New Jersey. He went home, uh, a couple weeks ago one night. His, uh, live-in all-payers, family, wife and kids, thank God, down the shore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he went home from the comedy club that night and he was gonna meet his family down the shore the next day. Went home, went to sleep, and then the nanny's boyfriend, she broke up with him. He wanted to kill her. She had given him a key no one knew about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he went inside and like, uh, yeah, the bummer of it all is like, I remember someone saying, you know, I say this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow man, not even a reason. It does, it is. I mean, I think it- Not even, and he didn't, and the guy in his confession didn't even say like, I think there was something up. He said like, needed that to get handled so I can- So I can do that. Not be bothered while I, uh, while I kill my girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we have young kids. So yeaah, so, but uh, and then when uh, when she was younger though, just me and my ex-wife just were good at like, our schedules just worked, we never hung out with each other, probably why we're not together anymore. Yeaah. But like, we were good at like, it was parent all the time, in some way of the swap, but when you can't do that, man, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have to have, you know, baby, uh, my, and she has, uh, my daughter has a sister, her mom had another baby who's four years old, and like, you know, if it wasn't for my daughter, the good news is my daughter's 17 there, so she can kind of babysit for the, you know, so you don't have to bring a lot of strangers in, it's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if an all-pair process of paperwork and all that stuff doesn't keep you safe somehow, like, it's a freak situation, obviously. You never want to say it's something that, I mean, it's unlikely would happen to anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a hard time, like I can't, I will turn away now, like in the beginning when the beheading videos came out, I had to kind of look, and then it only takes like one, uh, seeing how real it is, you go, yeah I shouldn't have watched that. It's like so, I don't like gore. It's so fucking real, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny too about how jail has always seemed in my life, a lifetime in jail has always seemed like a fair punishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this guy ever just giggles at a thought in his head, or overhears a TV episode of M.A.S.H. playing on black and white TV in the common area, like, it's too much. You're like, ow man. He will experience, your mind will adapt and he will experience joy again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's funny. So it's odd how much that hits when normally, if somebody, if I had no attachment to a person, like my friend's sister was just murdered in a situation like that. Good, the guy will rot in a box the rest of his life. Now you're like, no, he might play chess. I don't want this guy to learn the guitar. This guy's gonna get a degree while he's locked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also have zero, I think I have zero forgiveness for something. In fact, I think I could accept forgiveness with still like just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Punishment, like equal punishment. I'm not the family, but like, putting myself in the shoes of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If 20 years down the road this guy's done a real turnaround and just realized how crazy it was and how he can't believe he has a hard time living with what he did, I go, that's fantastic. I believe you. And still, like, I would only be asked to get into the room to accept that apology to try to get at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the last pace you wanna fuck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're done. I mean, forget a violent crime. Smaller crimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it sort of wouldn't. Yeah, anything where you've seen like that where I watched a bunch of documentaries about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, like under a minute, just this range of emotions I went from finding out that his mom was helping him try to get out of the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sure, but just when they go, oh, any of those I've been asked, you know, my, my ex wife is Colombian and Argentinian. So my daughter's been going with her to those places for the longest time and I've just never, I just picture it's exactly like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But any country where someone goes like, oh, they go, you'll be fine. Like, if you were, and they go, if you were like a wealth from like a wealthy family in, in Columbia, like maybe, or if they, you were a celebrity's kid coming out, they knew that and I go, yeah, but maybe they just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's a place like Brazil where you gotta watch the kids. You gotta watch it for the children. Yeah. Patrice O'Neil famously had that. He, they went off resort to get food. And uh, some kids asked Patrice for money. I mean, he said like, children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm in, uh, Hyenas, Fort Worth, Texas this weekend. And I have a bunch of stuff, Chicago coming up, a bunch of fun. BigJCarty.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing two, uh, 90s rock hits, Cracker Low, and Bound to the Floor Local Age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carriotude, I think. Now I want to find out if I can hip hop dance. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what, to me, it's a good account of history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way I look at it. It's a good account of history and, you know, these idiots taking down the Confederate flags and doing all this bullshit. That's bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there is, there is some reproduction stuff in there, but you see how many awards I have and how many, uh, um, different badges and all that and it was a hell of a collection, I tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it shows it on the titles and you know, or somewhere 10 grand or one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I just don't want some crazy person to come over here, you know, and want to destroy it or something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haha, yep, I heard em. Yeah, well, the thing is, you know, it's just so taboo in some places, it sucks, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What they're thinking, you know that? We're doing the best we can with that border.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think that's what did it? But you've also been on a new diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about Tony so often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I think he actually deleted his account. Poor production. Hold on, hold on. You're not even aware? I forgot. Last I checked, he took himself down, I think. Jesus Christ. Anyways.


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[Assistant] That ass. Labor Day. Labor Day. Take your uvas.


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[Assistant] I know. It's just another excuse to not be able to get your errands done.


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[Assistant] Guys, I'm offended and I want all puke related matter to be removed from the show.


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[Assistant] It's always the worst part. She cries so hard. Oh no. And so intensely. Oh no, it's more embarrassing than- Oh my god. But why would you- first of all, let's- I mean, you have to know that that's a stupid thing to say. I mean- Well, I think she knows now.


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[Assistant] Never. I was just gonna say, like, if I were her, I would just quit.


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[Assistant] I don't think I would have the nerve to come back and be like, on behalf of the community, and be like, look, I said it dumb, I'm stupid, I'm sorry, I'm so dumb.


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[Assistant] I quit from like 22 jobs in like 4 years before I did comedy. Cause you were like, I'm not good at these.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Can you imagine what a horrible, horrible job that is to be a morning person? No. I mean, we would get fired so fast, you and me.


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[Assistant] She has to know, but in this era, you can't, you cannot, you can't do that. That's just crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would have quit if I were her. Because I'd just be like, look, I'm so embarrassed. I'd be so embarrassed that I would just quit.


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[Assistant] All that stuff. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, I don't know. Taking you oobas. I am.


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[Assistant] Well, we went to the, we went to a public pewl yesterday, we hung out, and uhm, we saw, well there's a couple of phenomenas, right? We saw the most unattractive man in the world talking to a very attractive woman.


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[Assistant] And this happens a lot to you? Not a lot.


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[Assistant] But do you think, hold on, do you think that it could just be him saying hello? No.


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[Assistant] Now, what about those videos where the guys are like, I want, I want the pussy on my face. That's different. That's mental illness. That's real.


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[Assistant] Well, cause he did talk to the most, I would say, attractive.


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[Assistant] He had that hard, the hard booze belly.


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[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, and he was very chatty. It's usually those guys that chat with everybody. And cause he came in and I saw him talk to the waitress. I come here twice a year.


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[Assistant] No, she was into him. I think she was into him. Into him? Mhm. What do you mean into him? Into the conversation. Okay. Because she was like, yeaah, haha, and then she would adjust her titty. She had those real big fakers that don't, you can't feel anything, so if the bathing suit falls, she doesn't really notice kind of stuff.


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[Assistant] And that's what I do all the time because I go to this place regularly once a month. And I like to rank myself.


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[Assistant] That's what's going to happen. I agree. It's so inspiring. And also, uhm, so the girl that he was talking to had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say the sluttiest tattoo I have ever seen. Now, I live, I lived through the 90's and that was where I, uh, tramp stamp started. I have a tramp stamp, so I, you know, I'm not throwing slutty stones, but this chick had the craziest tat we saw. Tom, describe it.


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[Assistant] The daggers. The daggers. That's a hoey. Or Josh Potter mentioned even- The scissors. The scissors.


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[Assistant] But it's the top of the thigh that's real slutty. Yeah. And if it's like the fake garter belts. Oh, there it is. There's the Rick, the ribbons. That one's super hoey. Oh yeah. I mean, if you had a thigh tap.


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[Assistant] Some people can get away with shit, some people can only shop at the Gap. That's my problem.


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[Assistant] You step in the cum and then you stamp it. The chest pause.


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[Assistant] What, uhm, I've always felt that, and I'm gonna get a lot of pushback on this, but I've always felt that French manicures are a slutty, but French pedicures, it's like your toenails dipped in cum. That's what the white tip is.


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[Assistant] They do not do that in Paris, I assure you. What about the pedicure? But Google the pedicure, that one's even more egregious.


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[Assistant] I've saw a lot of those Tiva sandals, you know, those Jesus walkers.


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[Assistant] Oh man, if there is a shoe that says, I don't wanna fuck, it is that shoe. Look em up.


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[Assistant] Look, there it is, that one. Yeah, that, that black one from the side. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] I saw three dudes, older dudes wearing this shit, and by older I mean like, boomer age, like 60, and their toenails were so nasty too to imagine.


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[Assistant] Out of stock. They're sold out. Any, how much to wear those?


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[Assistant] That's the thing, but that's the thing is that they all have toe funguses because I saw their nails and their nails were all yellow and yucky.


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[Assistant] Cause we were talking yesterday, like, there's a way to grow old and have some fucking respect for yourself, you know? Oh my god. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] No such thing, brah. Nadav, I could see you wearing these. What the? You're awfully close. No. I've seen you in your white sneakers. This is one, your one bad decision for me. White sneakers are cool.


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[Assistant] I think I'm gonna die. If I had to guess?


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[Assistant] Yes, I knew it. I called it though. See, I told you, he's the nastiest. And he's got the nicest.


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[Assistant] As a celebrity on Cameo. I also, uhm, the dolphins, dolphins are real. Uh, either just a dumb girl or a hoe. Or Josh Moore.


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[Assistant] And they're like, wait a minute. That's what I'm saying. It works for me. I love it.


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[Assistant] That's a thing too, isn't it? To cum in people's hair?


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[Assistant] These guys are just, ugh, so fucking gross.


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[Assistant] Machines within. There were a few versions of machines within that I would pay to see live. He had rap? He had metal? The metal ones were really good.


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[Assistant] And he breaks the mold. Which is innovative, it's exciting.


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[Assistant] This is our old town road, and you heard it here on your mom's house first. We broke this.


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[Assistant] This is gonna be huge. If you put this on the talk, this is gonna blow up.


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[Assistant] Wow, really good work. It was nice to hear the lyrics so clearly too. I really painted a picture of what happened that day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I didn't realize that they went to see the physician for his mom.


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[Assistant] And then he's like, you should be treated as well, the son. And the son got thrown into a situation he wasn't ready for.


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[Assistant] And they hurt, I've done it. It is not a walk in the park. It hurts.


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[Assistant] That's amazing. That is amazing. I'm always amazed at the talent we have in our audience.


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[Assistant] But every time I hear him say old tiny asian I like it more and more.


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[Assistant] Well I wish you would, as with any artist, you want to see how they grow, how they evolve. Will there be a follow up to No Acupuncture No More?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to see what the follow-up jam is. It's so hard to come up with a second hit, but maybe, maybe he'll write.


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[Assistant] Anyways, uh, we got to talking about this topic a couple weeks back and it has been haunting my brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A weightlifter? Is that what you were saying? It was like an athlete and he, but he was, what do they call it, mentally disabled, retarded? And, and, I don't know what the proper term is these days. So wait, wait.


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[Assistant] But I came to, and I started thinking about it, and I was like, what if there was an, um, outstanding athlete in the world? Like, let's say a weightlifter who could really compete with the best of them, but he happened to be R-worded, could they compete in the regular Olympics?


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[Assistant] Why do you say that? You don't know that. I mean, somebody could be maybe mentally disabled, but their body, their strength could be so amazing.


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[Assistant] And all they have to do is point him in the right direction, and he- what? And he wins the race.


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[Assistant] The mentally disabled into society, into the fold a bit more. Why, why segregate them?


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[Assistant] I'm for them, I'm for equality. I'm trying to get them to be- Type that and then records, right? Yeah, like, who's like the fastest?


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[Assistant] And then maybe we could take the best athletes and make them into teams, like a football team of just mentally disabled people. Cause then I'd start watching football. A lot more.


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[Assistant] Now, I would watch an entire team of our word playing anything. Wouldn't that be way more interesting?


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[Assistant] No, but I want to see like ice hockey. I want to see. You can see it. It exists. No, not televised. Yes it does.


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[Assistant] Ah, shoot. So is that considered an advantage? No, no, no. It's a totally different thing we're looking for.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so if he's, if it, then that seems silly that if it's just an intellectual disability, then they should be able to


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[Assistant] Yeaah. So why can't he do the regular Olympics?


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[Assistant] I'm just telling you, I believe in inclusion, and I grew up in an era where we saw all kinds of people around in the world, and I'm being serious here. In the 80s, you'd go to the supermarket,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the person bagging your groceries would be a mentally disabled. That's true, and they'd go and get the shopping carts, and it was more normal, it was normalized to have mentally disabled people integrated into society, and now you don't see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see them in society, I'm saying having jobs and being, you know, having a meaningful part in the world.


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[Assistant] I think it's TikTok that's really made me appreciate different-


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[Assistant] Do you pretend to bagock in it? Like, do you ever do that?


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[Assistant] This is, we were- I don't like piss. We were taping WMMA, let me catch the audience and you up to speed. And we had this conversation as to what's the worst body fluid to have on your hands. And Josh ranks urine as number one. No, no, no, shit is the all time number one for everybody. Well for me, no, for me it's vomit.


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[Assistant] Do you piss in the shower? I forget. No! We've been talking about that.


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[Assistant] But, but, Tom, what is your, like, rank the fluids? What would you least want to have on your hand? Is it? Shit's number one. Shit, puke, piss, jizz. More than jizz, right? Shit is the most detestable. Yeah.


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[Assistant] No, that's too high, I'm sorry. To have just a guy come on your shoulder hair.


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[Assistant] I know, but five grand, like, that's bigger than getting actually fucked. No, it's not.


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[Assistant] Well how much do high-end prostitutes charge to- to- to do that stuff? Oh, I see, I see.


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[Assistant] And did they get to video this? Wait, is this to be videoed per cameo?


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[Assistant] That is, can I tell you, I think you're getting more than like,


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[Assistant] Wow, that was a good song, we just did. Do it.


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[Assistant] Oh, I don't know. Oh, here we go. This week, Gene, September.


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[Assistant] It's September 19th and then I take a little break. It's September 22nd. I go to Las Vegas for the Life is Beautiful Festival with Billie Eilish is performing. Unbelievable.


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[Assistant] September 26th, I'm back at Flappers. And then October 3rd through 5th, Nashville. October 10th, again, back at Flappers. October 17th, Irvine, California. And September 22nd, Seattle. And then November 23rd, Portland. And I think that's it for my 2019.


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[Assistant] 2020 coming very soon. Yes. Christina P online for tickets. Thank you.


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[Assistant] He sent me the cucumber, so the cucumber challenge is where girls are deep throating cucumbers. But then Dr. True's like here it's gone crazy and it was cucumber in the intestines of somebody. Someone swallowed one? No. No they up the butt. Up the butt? Up the bum.


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[Assistant] So you would rather blow it into the gentleman's mouth than his anus? Me, personally? Right, like we have to choose.


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[Assistant] That's the name of that video. And in a million years I never would have put it together that it's two people getting high off of one hit. What did you think they were?


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[Assistant] I have no idea, like my brain doesn't even go there to like, this is useful, this is a utility thing. This is just fun.


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[Assistant] There you go. Let's find out what's going on here.


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[Assistant] You gotta see this chick. What's going on here?


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[Assistant] Well that's all we have. I've gone through her feed and a lot of it is her cooking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the intro? He listened, this guy's funny. And we listened to it on 97.1 and then on the way to school I get to listen to Stern like in junior high and then I worked in his shop.


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[Assistant] I would get out of the shower and I just wouldn't completely dry off because I was anxious. I feel like it's a waste of time. And I would just be like, I just want to get on to the next thing. So then I would hurry.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah, yeah, no, I'm in therapy, yeah, yeah, I do it, come on, once a week, bro, yeah.


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[Assistant] I stopped the behavior and now I take my time and I do better self care. And I wear the clothes I want to wear. That's another thing I was doing where I was like, I can't wear this, I'm saving it. Was your mom also from the same country as you were? Yea, both from Hungary. They escaped in 1969.


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[Assistant] Now wait, can I ask you one, the very serious question too. We discussed a woman on the show, um, a friend of, friend of his. This woman used to have intercourse with her boyfriend when, when she was on her period. And then she would insist on licking him clean after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, isn't that interesting, I remember watching a study about contempt, and they would study a married couple, and if they showed contempt for one another, that was an indicator of divorce. And every time he shows contempt for me, I go, ah, contempt, contempt, that's a sign of divorce.


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[Assistant] Okay, now may I ask you one thing about one of our employees, Eni, he's not here today, but we discovered that Eni only goes BM, he makes a brown, maybe once a week at best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he says, I go, are you, are you uncomfortable? And it was five or seven. Nope, don't feel an urge. I'm not, he's not like feeling the tug and then ignoring it. And he says when he does go, it's a lot. Like it's, he's making up for lost time. So is that okay then? It's okay.


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[Assistant] Well, some weird toothless guy who wants to eat my box, you think that's weird?


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[Assistant] The mental illness doesn't bother me, it's the teeth. And him putting his mouth on my mouth or on my vagina, like the thought of his mouth on my clean beautiful vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have so many things to ask you. But most importantly, I've been dying to ask you this question. We were out, uhm, at dinner with a friend, and, I mean, we've been wondering this for so long. How come when you pee, uhm, you can't control your farts? And it's embarrassing, urinal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catastro- I imagine. It's not catastrophic. It's disastrous. I'm a cool dude. So, um, okay, cause after my apesia- I had two apesiotomies, one for each kid, and I sharted a lot after the second one. Yeah, that makes sense. I was like, oof, I better go now.


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[Assistant] What can happen to you by doing this?


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[Assistant] I'm so enthralled. I've just, I'm fascinated by Tom. I'm just endlessly curious about him. I think I'm just amused and curious. And I adore, I just adore him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, check out where my mom's at, those drop Monday, Monday morning, and then Monday nude on YouTube. Uh, check out tour dates. Oh. And that's it, you're gonna come on my show soon. Yes, I'm coming out soon. I can't wait.


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[Assistant] And that's why he's like, ah, you disappointed, you got me wrapped around your finger. You know?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, this is my favorite fucking new thing that he put out.


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[Assistant] What's the best penis of merch? Shirts? Uh. What's the hottest seller? Oh god. Best penis of them all. Uhm, yeaah, I don't know shirts. No hoodies, hoodies go crazy. Hot farts, hot farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Is that Grass Kingdom? Is that what it's called? Yeah. Grass Kingdom. Man, I listened to that 90 times in the last 24 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the way to school, took my son Ellis to school today and I started playing it for him and then it would end and I was like, you want to hear it again? And he'd go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got it in his head. So, thanks dude. I really dig it. Uhm, yeaah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a crazy schedule right now with, uh, the tour that I'm on. Christina's doing dates. We've had multiple guests in here. We've been banking episodes just to try to make it through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this crazy schedule. So the only way to do it is kinda the way we've been doing it. And therefore, uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super happy, uh, long overdue to have a great comedian, actor, writer. He does it all. Don L. Rawlings is here. Thank you very much for coming in. Such a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I always had the idea that the only thing I would want the girl to say afterwards is that kinda hurt. Not that it was big, but just that the thrusts were so hard that I would try to like, you know, like, have them go like, god damn it, you know, that hurt. That's all I was really going for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Man, you shouldn't even give these away for free. It's a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing man, you were on, uh, you know, one of the most legendary


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that, cause obviously like, you know, your comics, your friends right before this. What was what like? Well, I'm saying like to embark on the journey, like the ride of doing The Chappelle Show. It's like you know you're doing it, right? Like Dave calls you, hey man, I'm doing this show. Neil called me. So Neil calls you and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cool. Uhm, you think it's gonna be, it's a job, right? You're like, it's fun, whatever, but- I didn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I remember the uh, the joke that prompted that was, I forget, so and so makes Wayne Brady look like Malcolm X. That was the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Yeaah. Yeaah. Um, I remember I, uh, actually when Charlie had just started doing Sam, like a year, I won a contest to host a show. Uh, to host the Real Men of Comedy Tour. So it was him and Joe Rogan. You couldn't do that tour now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and I, because we were on the oddball tour, and we both are two, we have two children, non-specific gendered children. I have one. Well, at the time I'm saying, I have two now. But our older, non-gender children were born around the same time. Oh, I know his gender. Oh, you do? Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. That's true. Uhm, I want to show you, uh, some TikToks real quick. Are you on TikTok?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think the scariest white person is one with extensive facial tattoos or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's bad, like they try to, they're supposed to like lip sync correctly. It's just upsetting. I don't know. I just wanted to get it out of my system. It's hondo court again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like, you like some kick in your chicken? I like lemon pepper chicken wings. Me too, lemon pepper anything is great. What about lemon garlic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what do you want to show them? This one? There's this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Letters to page. Do you want this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why aren't people questioning his bloodness? So, so what happens is, uh, sometimes like all types of people are on TikTok and they put out, and he regularly will post videos just, you know, uh, saying something blood related, and he's saying people are challenging the fact that he really is, you know, a blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, would you get down with a chick like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I don't want you to be late either. Oh, this is a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Subscribe on YouTube, The Don L. Rawlings Show. The Don L. Rawlings Show. The Don L. Rawlings Show, check it out. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. Uh, the Uber's waiting, it's right outside. Fuck you and your car share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, big news, exciting announcement. November 7th, November 7th, I have added a late show at the Beacon Theater in New York City that is also referred to as Manhattan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will be there for two shows on November 7th. Very excited. What else is going on this week? You'll probably try to get tickets, uh, to the Late Show in Durham on Saturday, uh, at the Durham Performing Arts Center. Early show is sold out. Very excited. Very thankful for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, few tickets left in San Jose on the 18th, and very few left for Los Angeles September 20th, and very many tickets available, uh, September 22nd in Santa Barbara.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's a thing. And then, I'm off to El Paso. Tucson, Phoenix, and Denver. The Late Show in Denver has few tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that, Des Moines, Lincoln, Sioux City, Minneapolis, and Fargo. Then I go on my European tour. Those are all at TomSagura.com slash tour. Also want to point out Ben Salem, uh, November 8th also has an added show and the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourth show in Austin has some tickets you can try to get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also a second show in Columbus and Grand Rapids. Those are in December. You can get tickets now at TomSegura.com slash tour. Thank you very much everyone supporting the tour. Uh, Christina P is on the road. She'll be at Flappers, uh, in Burbank September 12th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She will be in Las Vegas for that festival, September 22nd, performing with Billie Eilish. She's let me know that many times. She'll also be in Zanies, at Zanies, in Nashville. That is October 3-5.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, November 22nd, Seattle. Uh, she's doing the Neptune and the next day she's doing the Aladdin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is a bestselling author and influencer to millions of speaker, a real estate mogul, tens of millions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think of people like you as uhm, I think you're like a drug, like a human drug. Because I love-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you might not think of yourself as like, no, no, but I think of, I think the energy you put off is positive in that it's like, do something. The message is positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been doing podcasts 10 years, we've been doing stand-up 17, 18 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And I like that you say that uhm, that it's simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard. Success is simple, right? Keep it simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everybody loves hearing, you know, especially when you see somebody who is really successful, and people imagine, they're like, oh, your shit, you know, your life's easy now, you're a millionaire, you got it. But it's like, you came from some bullshit background, like you were, you were what, hooked? Were you on drugs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how do you switch that? How do you get out of that? Get another million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Wait, before we get even more into that, I want to get into the part where you said a moment ago, you have your million, you're scared, you're two million. Do you have an epiphany that takes you out of that, or is it a slow kind of roll?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what should people, like, what's your philosophy then on retirement?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is crazy when you see so many cars on the freeway at noon. You're like, aren't you fucking, does anyone have a job? What are you doing? Oh, I'm writing a script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, but we're, we're just saying like what you did, you're like, I sold the house, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because people, I hate by the way that one of the staples of just decency of people having conversations is like, don't talk about money or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't talk about money. Yeah. If someone's really successful like yourself. Can we take this picture down? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, people are like, someone's really successful, they're like, that's cool, like, don't, you know, don't bring it up, and don't talk to them about it. It's like, you don't want to talk to the person that's actually done really well, and bring it up. And then, a lot of times, a successful person just doesn't want to talk about that, like we were talking about. Because they don't want to get the hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's, I remember when I first discovered like the fake, uh, Rolex account, uhm, so there's people that put them on blast, and they break down, and then that exists not just for watches, but basically there's people whose whole persona is bullshit, you know, like they're just, they're putting up photos of things that's not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's crazy. Oh, speaking of jets, man. So for people that don't know here, you are a, uh, jet owner. Uhm, last, I think it was a year ago, you sold your previous jet and you bought, uh, what is this, a G550?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the way you're talking by the way. Why? Cause it just feels good. I would, I'd like to talk like this to her too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a huge tax bill essentially that you have to pay, right? Huge. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did, you transformed when you left LA. You went to Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I wanna ask you some little tidbits I've picked up on, just following you, and like have you tell me your thought on it. Okay. Okay, and you mentioned briefly earlier, retirement account, you think is it bullshit? Completely bullshit. Don't waste your time with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, listen, anyways, what should you do with your money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best thing is people hear that and they go, what does that mean though? What do I do with the money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I've always been reluctant, I feel like people are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is more than I was about to say, is that like, for me, another Warren Buffett thing is you only invest...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always known of people doing real estate. Obviously it's like, it's, it's, you know, it's out there. Everyone knows that people do that. But it's always been to me like a scary kind of thing where I'm like, I don't know where to go. I don't know what to get. So I've always been hesitant to buy investment property. You know, do you advise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only warm states though. So you don't buy in Boise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Do you think it's, so, cause I've heard you say it's kind of, it's bullshit to buy a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would blow people's minds though, I think, like, it probably is in the moment that you are a wealthy guy and you rent where you live. Like, hearing that is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, like half a million. Sell it. Sell it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your advice though is sell your house, rent a place, and invest in rental property. Take all your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. And so the people out there that go, look man, all I want to know is how, Grant tell me, how can I get rich man? What should I do? Like is, is there a, I know it's, you know, I don't know if that's a simple question, a complicated question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, they kept hiring you? I just wouldn't leave. I'd just sell something. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. I got a good 20 left, for sure. So, your advice to us though, I'd like, I want your advice, keep doing what we're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm doing 200 plus shows this year. So I'm doing a lot of shows. I mean, there's a lot of flights, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, exactly. And then the nice thing is that last show ends, bam, home. I like that. I like that. Sex on the way home too. That's what I'm talking about. With who? With fucking girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one other thing, because we didn't bring it up, I just, voluntarily, I've seen it, uh, Cardone Capital. So people can actually, I think, invest and let the money that they invest with you do the investment into properties, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does an investment get you a monthly check?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in. I'm in, man. I'll do it. I'm gonna do it. Uhm, any, uh, for people, uh, to follow you, they follow, tell us, give us the full, but it's all, but I'm saying, it's all, it's all Grant Cardone. Uh, book, I know there's been books before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're doing also live events. You're on stage. Yeah, we do. We do. We're doing a live event in Vegas. Where's that going to be? Stupid. Where's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But does that mean though that like, like music kicks it off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm gonna go through real quick before we let you go, the ten time expansion for this business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we're gonna start investing in the promotion of this show, comedy stuff more. I'm getting a jet. She's gonna have sex with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] C'mon mate, let's do it. Let's double stuff this fuckin' Marlin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burger, burger, burger, burger. Lay a fish. Burger, burger, burger. I like these fries. McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay a fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's called the queen. They just call her the queen. You might be a tech talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna puke. Am I? Am I retarded? No, you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? Well... It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never date a yandere. Yandere is the Japanese line for basically a woman who loves you so much she's willing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she would kill my sister, my mother, my grandparents, anybody who even looked at me remotely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yay, wait, no, I mean, she will adj-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that would be monumental. Then I'd have to be like, if I were to like, meet Russell Brand or somebody, I'd be like, what's up, we're the same, right? Yea, totally. You know what I'm saying? Like one of those cocksmiths out there, that's like fucking all over the world. I'm one of them then. I think you might actually end up moving there if that happens to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I come in a particular country, I might have to move there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, of course he is. He's been at it for like 30 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that would be wild. And then, yea, in Paris, like, I have to French in France. You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes, I'm gonna see her when we get back. Oh, are you excited? I am, of course, always excited. Yeah. I'm excited for any, uh, opportunities to try and come, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's gonna be one of those play it by ear situations, but I think all the preconceived notions are out the window as far as like having to be like, so, how, what's new, you know, who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Tinder, but on a grander scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, sure, if she wants me to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, I'm into all the stuff. You've done it before? Yes, I have actually. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it wasn't, I never, uh, came from it. It was actually kind of, I mean, I don't know if you've done it, but it's like, very like, uh, alright, is it in there? You know what I mean? Like, it's tight and hard to put in there. It's a lot of process, I don't know how these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what I'm into more, I guess just the old fashioned vagina I like, you know?


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[Assistant] I said, oh no, I was very devastated. And then I tried to get him back on the Instagram, because he's on there messaging and things. Okay. So how's he on Instagram? Well, he sends me messages and I said, why don't you do your videos on Instagram like you used to, with your new account and everything? And he said, I don't have the app. And I said, well, how are you using Instagram? You know, you're talking to me on it right now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have the app. So what I've concluded is that he's using the browser on his phone. But he has a- he has an iPhone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is what he told me. I said, you gotta download, just download the app, let me know if you need any help, because I'm working on it. So it'll get there. We'll figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So upsetting. My mom asked me how to watch this show. Oh no. And I just told her don't bother. Yeaah. I said you don't want to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I have some other ones coming up. What's coming up? Uh, I got, uh, well I'm gonna be in Buffalo November 10th, uh, that'll be fun at Helium Comedy Club one night and then November 23rd I'm gonna be in Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's on sale right now. The others haven't gone on sale yet, but I mean, they're coming. Yes, they're coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My Twitter is at J underscore Potter and Instagram is at Josh underscore Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so far! Yeah. It's not even like he tumbled down them, he went down the banister and off of it into the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which you know that had to be loud like, uuuh. That was lucky that he didn't take her out too. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Oh my golly. That was pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck. I was hoping she got to the top and he was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you saw the tumble he made. Yeah. So I mean, the fact that he's even checking on her is nice enough. That's true. That's true. Where were you when I flew down the banister, bitch, you know? It's true. She might be dead and he's like, this is an awesome night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard some whimpering and some crying, you know. That's the kind of staircases we're gonna walk on in Europe though, you know. Yes, they are, yes. Like, windy, narrow ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you excited? I'm so excited. It hasn't even like, hit me yet. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, I'm gonna make you eat good food. No, I'm pumped to eat, I'm not picky in terms of eating. Okay, we're gonna eat good food. Just because I don't eat a large quantity of food doesn't mean I'm not excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And please, do not go outside yet. Wait till the sun go down, then you go outside to the park, ride your bike with your family. But please, stay in the house for a while, it's very hot. I'm going home, take a shower, and have a glass of water, I'm going to rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we'll uhm, we'll take it. Thanks, thanks for always sending in your instrumentals. They go to yourmomspodcastatgmail.com. Don't DM me, don't fucking tweet it to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only if you want it played on the show. Your mom's podcast, right? At gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, I'm on the road. The Take It Down tour continues. Uh, this week every show is sold out except for the added show in Chicago. That's awesome. June 2nd, the late show. The Chicago Theater has tickets. Go to TomSkaura.com slash tour. Go to the box office if you're in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the following week, the Late Show in Richmond, Virginia on June 13th has tickets. Uhm, everything else, minus, yea, no, the rest of it is. And then I roll on. Tulsa, Wichita, and Kansas City. There's tickets to the show June 30th in Kansas City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the tour rolls on. Appleton, Rockford, Peoria, Cedar Rapids, Evansville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ThompsonGurl.com slash tour and of course we added a show in Winnipeg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August 16th, we added a show in Vancouver. August 17th, uhm, make sure you know, oh, uh, September 14th, added show in Durham. And there is a matinee show added in Dublin, Ireland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go to that, uh, November 3rd. They're doing a matinee show, the late, the original show. Sold out. Bunch of European dates are on sale. Uh, thank you guys very much. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta try to say it right sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 6th, Talia Hall in Chicago. Chicago. It's a great place. Oh my god. What I'm most excited for you, September 7th, you're doing the Wilbur in Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 3rd through 5th, you're at Nashville, you're at Zany's in Nashville. Nardsville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 22nd, the Neptune in Seattle. And finally, November 23rd, the Aladdin Theater in Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what people are saying to me. I'm on the road. I'm out there. People are like, I love the podcast. I want the longer intro. Like the people are saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I mean look, in the YouTube comments, you can monitor that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are they saying about the intro? I'll tell you this, if they say it's too long and they want it shorter, I will sign off on a new intro that's half as long as this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grown ass people. Just neck and neck. Great gardening with mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mother is supposed to be, you know, a guiding force, nurturing, caring, loving, but it's not supposed to be your lifelong roommate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that's a normal way to feel about them as babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when your son is 30. Yeah. And he's like, getting into bed with you mom. Even better. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean yeaah, they're not opposed to it, but it's still not good. And it's gonna make me happy when that lady's left alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's some 1940's commentary. He tosses the ball into the basket. For two more. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you, you thought of it, why don't you answer it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you gotta blow your dad, or your dad has to eat you out as he looks at you. He's very much alive, what's your answer? Hurry up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All savages. Doesn't it almost seem worse by the way? Uhm, to do what these people are doing, just live with your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell, you can tell that they're channeling the energy in the wrong direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you can tell. You can tell that like, like it's very telling that she says, if I could find a man just like my daughter, I would marry that man. But she's like putting that, all that energy that she should put out there into finding a partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, giving mom pedicures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They smell different. The death that's imminent is like it smells and you know they have things coming out of them and yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See how she, she knows. Like the girl knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alcohol, sunlight, smoking, lack of sleep, drugs, yeah. Hooking up with her daughter on a regular basis. Cool. All those things will age you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if that, what if you find out that lady on the left is like 38?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did they, uhm, oh they, they forbid by law


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This bullshit about the future is female. How about the future is intersectional, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I mean, a lot of men have a uterus, you know what I mean? So, I'm so glad someone's saying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a dream for me. I love it. For me to make you want to come. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Uhm, seeking a coming. Wait, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, last, well let's start with last summer. Sure. Last summer, a girl came over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did they send over? Oh my gosh. The biggest fucking pair of tits. I mean, they were so big that I'm glad I didn't have to point them out. Cause you were like, wait till you see these fucking tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, I bet there's a lot of milk in your tits. And she's like, mm-hmm. So big. I'm in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, he didn't, he didn't learn how to swim, but he got, he got used to being in the water. He liked being in the water. And then it was like, alright. So then, you know, a year passes, we're coming into summer again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You call, you get a new swim teacher. I'm, I'm out while the lesson starts, but I, when I come in, I walk back there and I see that our three and a half year old is in with a new swim teacher who, uh, and our son is naked in the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's in there, and he's having the time of his life. I see it, and he's doing all the stuff that they were trying to get him to do last year, like holds onto the wall, climbs on the wall, you know, he's doing like kicking out, and you can tell he's having a blast, taking, you know, trying to get him used to getting under, so splash yourself with water, this whole thing, and we're sitting there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, you know, I see, I keep laughing because every time he pops up you see his cute little butt. And I'm like, you know, wouldn't it be something if like right now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got naked and got in the pool. And then she's like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? And I'm like, oh, we're all just swimming, right? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I keep popping out like our son does. So like you keep seeing like dick and ass and she's like, okay. And then I go, oh, can you help me kick too? And then I just float over to her and I start kicking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, but I don't know how to swim either. I'm just standing, I'm just standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she goes, oh, okay. And then like a few minutes later, you take your clothes off. And then you're naked, and you're sitting on the other side. And you have your legs open too, so she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't say anything, but then like after five minutes when she's like, alright, and she just keeps focusing on the, on the kid. And then we go, hey, you gonna take that thing off or what? And then she's like, what? And we're like, I mean, why are you wearing so much? And she's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, the nanny comes out and she puts a hose in her crotch. She sits on the edge of the pole. She's like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. This I'm really happy to talk about though, speaking of big tits. Sure. So, as you guys know, uhm, I've had to deal with a lot of, uh, plagiarism, people stealing my ideas and concepts. Uh, that's why we watermarked my mom's amazing fart from last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing something like that to her. Putting her so low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great. They have a great warranty. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so uhm, so for those of you that don't know, show me how those big tits part, uh, something that I randomly tweeted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A week ago, for, you know, I've done it over the years a few times, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people were like, oh, you got that from that Tinder profile. And I'm like, uh, no, they got it from me. And some people were like, what are you talking about? So there's this, you know, there's this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had messaged somebody, show me how those big tits fart. Well, I knew that I said it way before then. And you guys did the research. Look at this, April 2014, episode 214 of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's in the description, but also we have audio from that episode, is that right? Let's see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said uhm, show me how those big tits fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, you were giggling at that in 2014. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean yeaah, I mean there's, there's, look I posted it June 9th, 2014. Right. Oh wow. Wow. I just want the record to show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I did not take it from them. That it's clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and this is from an interview in Vice Magazine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From 2014, where we're asked, tell me about, I keep seeing on your Instagram comments, show me how those big tits fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the interviewer asking us and I say his pure nonsense quote directly from our lives and we talked about it on the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very true. That's it. And also, I'm proud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we get ready for our guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Uh, here we go. Guest time. Uh, I'm supposed to play something. Here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are here with a dear friend, a fellow comedian and podcaster. He has a new album out called Read the Room. You got it. It is the one and only Seattle's own Adam Ray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got one-one. They, they're, they're at, they, they can see, you know, they're, they're night hunters, right? So they're nocturnal hunters and, and they can see like, like you see during the day and, and, and at a great distance, so. They find Waldo in one glance, you know what I'm saying? Just peek and they are. Boop. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're pretty, yeah, they start howling. Yeah, and they hunt packs too sometimes, you know, so. Jesus. Sometimes they're solo and the other thing that's crazy is you're, you know, midday driving down the street, you're like, well, there's a dog. That's a coyote standing in the middle of the street, like, just basically like, go ahead. And then they just, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he has them and they kill them all, so I think he weighed it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I agree, and by the way, there's not gonna be that many people pushing back on a coyote massacre. No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, it's one thing for it to be, like there's things that could be in the shot, but in like, in post, nobody would be like, nah, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you should have gotten more. That song plays all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to be like in the meat of this before I forget. Yeah. Uh, read the room. Yeah. You recorded it in San Francisco? Yeah, one of my favorite clubs which apparently


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and then it looks, it looks, and then basically everyone looks good in a suit. Fuck yeah. And then you're like, I should have a bunch of suits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I just, you know, I was talking about him with somebody and this the other day, cause he's famous for doing these like incredibly long sets. And then somebody in the conversation was like, just saw him like two weeks ago, 60 minutes on the dot, like amazing. Which is like why that time is the time, you know? That's the amount of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is sweet. That's a good number. I hate hearing myself talk. I hear ya. When you get off, I've noticed a big difference when you say and goodnight at 55 to 58. Yeah. There is a definitely more of like that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pop of like, oh shit, like this is over. Yeah. Then if you do like 75, right? Yeah. And then people were like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did notice we were watching a movie with a little person and there's never a reference made at all. Like, no one says anything and I'm like, no one says anything? Like, nobody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's the one. So here's the thing, it's not like, uh, obviously, like, if a little person's in any movie, you know, it doesn't have to be, uh, addressed in every movie, but like, he's the star of this movie, he's like, running, like, no one's even like, looks, like, everything was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now he's just like, what do you think of this? He knows you wanna bust too, like that dude knows you wanna bust on his daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Nick DePalo, who's a, if you don't know, um, you know, vet of comp 30 years as a stand up, super funny dude, um, put out a shot of special and put it on YouTube for free. I think that move is gonna grow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sometimes I feel shy. I'll admit it. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's, no, it's gonna come out soft, it's just gonna take longer. You're gonna be like, ahh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Penis beads. Ah, look how long it is too. Look how long it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'd come out of my mouth all over you. That's what I would do. Yeah. Also, like, that's- I'd go, aaaah. Yeah, that seems fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah for some, but you know, like there's, here's the thing, I feel like if, let's say you're like, I live by the butt plug, you're not busting that out on date one, right? You can't. Date one? No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you can hold back on all your stuff, like especially if you have an extreme, like if you're really in this, if you're like, you know, if you put this fire thing in my dick and then you, you know, you piss on me as like you're going to bring that update one. No, you're going to, you're going to hold onto it.


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[Assistant] I get that. I get that. But see, I guess I'm thinking date more into, like I'm thinking of, I'm talking about more like you're meeting somebody and maybe this will go somewhere. That to me is like just smash city. Like you're just like, it's a butt plug.


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[Assistant] You're going from like, buttplug is first base. What's that? That's kind of advanced. That's not JV squads.


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[Assistant] Here's a fucking photo of something up my ass. But if like you meet somebody and you're like, let's have drinks. Let's have dinner. Let's say you make out on one. Maybe you hook up on the third. You're grownups. But like, yeah, you would start then showing your cards about things you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't wait two months to be like, I've been holding back on this the whole time, but you can still do it in a gradual way, right?


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[Assistant] He wants, yea, for sure. And he wants you to go into sixth gear, you know.


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[Assistant] That is kinda, I mean, now that you mentioned it, like, it kinda, it'd be kinda a turn on if you pulled out a butt plug and you're like, am I calling it the n-word? And then you just started, like, using it.


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[Assistant] He said you shouldn't prolapse your anus. He said it should be this big only.


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[Assistant] The size of an okay, when you make the okay symbol in your hand, that's about as big as what you should put in your ass. Damn! Which is basically like a log.


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[Assistant] But I'm saying, you know, if you were going into butt plugs for the first time, you'd want to start with like the fucking junior edition. You work your way up, you go to the kiddie pool. Give me the one they give to toddlers, you know, give me like the little one.


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[Assistant] I mean, from the 70s you have to have some great metaphor songs. That's when all the real writing ended.


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[Assistant] Let's go back. Okay, uh, Adam, so with Stuart out, you're going to be left guard and, um, you just, you know, we're not, we're going to run basically mostly just kind of, uh, eye formation. So I just need to know that you're ready.


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[Assistant] Stuart's out, we're not going to run any shotgun formations, just be all under center, but you need to be ready because Big Game Friday.


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[Assistant] That really rolled off your tongue. Thanks man. I heard Saturday night lights. Dude, I remember when we, we asked if we, we had a bye week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bisexual week. A bisexual week. We're like, everybody fucked each other on the team. No, we had a bi week where, uh, so there's no game, but you have, you still have practice, right? It's like your off week, there's no game. So you have basically two weeks to rehearse for a game. Rehearsal.


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[Assistant] We were like, Oh, this is great. What a cool coach, man. So the neck, the day after he just had like a normal practice was easy. And then he took like the, the seven of us.


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[Assistant] And uh, just made us run suicides for like, with penis beads inside of you. Like to fucking in our dicks. And then he stood at the 50 yard line and uh, as we're like, like throwing up for real. Of course. He was playing air guitar. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the funny thing is, you reminded me, the drama guy knew that I liked, you know, improv and acting. He was like, you know what a lot of guys do, I remember he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You take a season off of football. Yea. And you do this, uh. Do the musical, man. Yea, do the play. And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? Not cause I wouldn't, I was like, do you know that my dad might fucking. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] He was something interesting. He spent time in a Mexican jail. Wait, so what is the clip? Oh, we didn't even get to play it, right? What is this? Oh, what is this?


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[Assistant] So he's got a missing leg. Is he putting the prosthetic limb up his ass? Holy cow. Is he really? He's trying to.


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[Assistant] I wish it wasn't there. Is there a way to digitally remove it?


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[Assistant] The fact that this guy is trying to be modest with the covering the face really gets me.


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[Assistant] It does? This one? Let's scroll back. Let's see a little movement. Let's see what's going on.


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[Assistant] Cause you see a little ball movement there, you see the balls? And you can see, yea, and keep going. There they are.


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[Assistant] I would do the, uh, I would be scared to approach like this, but I would do the, um, the, from a distance, they're like, Hey man, like one of those. Hey man. What's your distance? I think I'm at least just to start it. I'm to start it. I'm at least 25 feet away. That's solid. You know, and then I'm like, Hey,


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[Assistant] Definitely won't go away lady in the drops. Yeah, please.


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[Assistant] Like if you're the bus driver, I'd come up to the next to you.


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[Assistant] Like, like making it, or she's like, trying to be discreet about it? No, lotion. Lotion? Yea.


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[Assistant] Dude, you know what you do? I should holler at Brendan Urie and be like, yo, can I get a ride on that G5? Oh yeaah, and then we're fucking doing a key party.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we can keep our friendship. Uhm, Adam Ray, the second album, Read the Room, is available now everywhere where music is available. You can buy it, you can download it, you can stream it. You can take a fucking handle of a scooter and put it up your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then you should also listen to his podcast. He does with the wonderful, hilarious, and adorable. He is adorable. Have you seen Brad in a fedora?


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[Assistant] It's amazing that it's taken this long, uhm, to have this happen, but,


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[Assistant] This is, uh, uh, a good guy, uh, a great comic, a friend, a, I mean, somebody we run into, I've been running into you for over a decade, uhm, you know, writer, you're a comedian, you're an actor, you do it all, Maja Brani, thank you very much.


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[Assistant] This lady, she had, she would leave like two minute voice, you know the person that leaves like. Oh yea yea.


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[Assistant] So they're like, hey man, you know, I haven't talked to you in a minute. I wanted to ask you a couple of things, wanted to talk about. First of all, I want to make sure everything's good at home. Make sure you guys, the family's good, the kids are good. What kind of messages?


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[Assistant] Now the advanced questions thing, and also how bad, like it stands out now how good a good interviewer is. And how bad, cause most are not good. And like all the questions, at this point we've been doing, you know, this for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, hey, you want to do this press thing in Chicago? Okay. And then the guy's like,


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[Assistant] Exciting. You know what it shows? It shows interest. Yeaah. Means that like, you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if the person asks you the standard questions, you realize they're not interested in talking to you. And when they start digging up things, you're like, oh, there actually, there is, like, curiosities there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More. Then it was going. Hilarious. Then it was like, this is the worst fucking day. Yeaah. Like this is the worst news. Yeaah. And then like, that was on Twitter, then on Instagram they're like, uh, this is great news, and she wrote, no it isn't.


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[Assistant] That's, by the way, that's the part that is like, grabs you more. Yeah. That you're just gonna be like, just say, you know what, this shit's super restrictive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, and we all know, like, you know, I've had a bunch of friends in your position where you're like, you know, it's coming back, it's like, it's a job, but like, it's not that fun, it's like, it feels like the same shit, and you know, it's not exciting, it's not fulfilling, but at the same time, it's, you know.


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[Assistant] This Friday, at the Amundsen Center. They literally announced, you get another million plus dollars. Yes. Woohoo. Fuck. Well, and especially because that's him.


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[Assistant] I couldn't believe- I just had a small part in the movie.


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[Assistant] Where one of the main actors shoots a show in Atlanta.


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[Assistant] Still good. So, alright, are we rolling? We're still rolling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, okay, alright. So that was a fun technical thing. Uhm, yeaah, why don't you share with ma- because first you gotta tell them what your revelation was a few weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's crazy to me is that I never, she never mentioned it once. Hilarious. Once. And you didn't catch it? Never. The showering? I mean I'd see a towel, so I wasn't like, you're probably not drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the first one. The first one was, we're living together, living in apartments, and then like, you're just like, getting up and walking across a room, you know, to use the charger. And like, taking turns, being like, well, you're using it now.