[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you say, that man is coming on the ride in French?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, let's try them. That man is ejaculating. Inframeche. In French. In French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I bet they have alcohol everywhere at their Euro Disney. You know how we're lame and only in Orlando? You can, you can get drunk in Orlando. I've heard that. That there are bars in the, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Disney in Orlando? Really? Dude, I heard one time someone was like, Dude, we go to the Orlando Disney just to get faded at their bars. I'm like, that sounds terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but you can only drink in one place in Disney America, and I'm sorry, California. At the club 33, they serve alcohol. Which you need a membership for. It's a private club, you have to ask secret secret. But I'm sure in Euro Disney, they're like, you can do heroin, you can do blow, ejaculate on all these rides. It's good to teach kids how to have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Express VPN lets you change your online location so you can control where you want sites to think you're located. You open the app, select the location, tap one button to connect and refresh the page to access thousands of new shows and movies. You know what I like, Dan? I like my UK shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like all things, uh, Royals, and I use Express VPN, I open it up, I open up Netflix, and now BOOM! I can watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, even, and I subscribe to Britbox now and I can do that because of ExpressVPN. You can stream in HD, no problem, no buffering or lag. It's compatible with all your devices, your phones, your laptops, your media consoles, smart TVs and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ExpressVPN.com slash your mom to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. ExpressVPN.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by our partner, whoop. Tom and I are huge fans of whoop. We love it. We track how we sleep. You track how much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, whoop is something I would recommend to anyone regardless of their fitness level. The data it provides is so helpful to anyone who wants to know themselves on a better level, especially if you're working towards goals like you and I are losing weight now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so awesome. And for our listeners today, if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot, there's no better time to give it a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, you can save 15% off a whoop with the code, yourmom. Go to whoop, w h o o p dot com. Use code yourmom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain and sleep insights from whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're, you love it because it's like 10 mom email chains. Yeah, exactly. Like what's going to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't follow Proto, buddy, you're done. This is early, Fed Smoker. His hair looks good, uh, he looks healthier there. This might be- Cocksucking fuck. You said Obama, so this is- Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like how Soleil Moonfry captured every moment of her, um, childhood and adolescence and made a documentary. He captured so much of his life and his missions and now we're finding all of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Issuing threats and then being the executor of the threat too. Then he fires people even though he has no authority to fire. Which is interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need vigilantes like that, don't we? You need people out there enforcing the rules, the guardian angels of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never have, and they never have, just so you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Growing up, I would hear Russian jokes, like, uhm, you know how we make fun of whatever ethnic- I don't forget what Americans make fun of. But, uhm, Hungarians historically make fun of Russians for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How stupid or crazy they are. So this is not a new legacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it does go to show how tough Russian women are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've seen like documentaries on race car drivers. They have to actually be in great shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, and that's how I feel about Love Island Australia. It's not just about the hot bods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're, they, so here's why it works, because it's Australian, so they're not as savvy. These people are not experienced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that one's like the hottest chick. What's her name? Taylor. Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tayla, yeaah. But when they said her name, I thought, oh, Taylor. And they're just saying it with an Australian accent. No, it's Tayla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's my favorite too. Oh, there's your girl. There's your girl on the far right. That's Tina. That's like our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's got the tats and she's the one that's got the makeup on. She's your favorite one. The far right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's the one with the makeup and the hair and she's always like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd fucking cut that girl. Oh yeaah. If she tries to take my boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's the trash here. She's fun. Um, but if they're not in their swimsuits, they're working out. Which is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They pound water and they do sit ups and shit and talk about each other. It's really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then one dumb dumb tries to play two girls at once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he wants to sn-snog the other one, and she's like, and the guy can't snog here, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, hoes before bros. You wouldn't tell your bro if he was being two-timed by some hussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, what you like is confrontation and drama. What I like is mental illness. And that's why your mom's house works so well. Cause it's, I'm fascinated by mental illness and you're fascinated by confrontation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should have, well this is a good point, you know, we should stop the wait by us and give them their own version of everything. So I wanna see Fat Love Island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not fair, I'm a mom, my heartstrings get tugged on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm mad that they made me feel something. I'm mad. Because I do feel bad for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't want to stop making fun of fat people and I don't want to stop shaming them because I don't think you should be fat. I don't think it's good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you laughing? Like I'm not sure why we're laughing. Is anyone else laughing in the booth or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that one, that was cool. Cause he was trying to be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the reasons I can't get sleeves tattooed in real life. I can't live up to those tats, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause those people look so cool when they're all tatted up and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, but they're always cool. Like Tommy Lee when he was in here and he's got all those tats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, I'm such a, I'm not that cool. I don't know. I don't mind that I'm not that cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't think you have to be that, that person who's like a rock star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I love the way the sleeve looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I wanna do, is I wanna do sleeves every now and then, like for fun, like just stick ons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you though, I have nightmares that I'm covered in tattoos. That's one of my recurring nightmares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what our, uh, mutual, our buddy said, who does have lots of tattoos and sleeves. She was like, you can just get them, you can get tattoos where no one can see them. You know, like maybe my back more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he does these things that create chaos and anxiety in people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll do stuff like drop heavy nails and hammers and it's meant to disturb you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those of you just listening, it's a guy who took like a paint roller and rolled his face. It looks like the peanut butter and then rolls it on the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it would be fun. I would do it. Yeah, it's fun. It's a weird substance. I'd like to eat it as I'm doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I hope that the dog, like, takes off chasing something it likes, and you die, and you trip over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't like that he was so tethered to the dog. It doesn't seem smart. I didn't like that he was proud of himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, it also felt so dickless. I think when people go totally dickless and asexual,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no respect for them. Like when I see a man wearing socks and sandals, I'm like, oh, you don't care about your dick getting touched at all. Like you're totally out of humanity. That's a move where you're like, I don't care. And the same like when a woman wears crazy sun visors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, uh, the extra long sun visor, like, oh, you look like a fucking tool bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, I've also been seeing people on, so I walk around the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a lady listening to her podcast or something on her phone, full volume, and just uh, like, hey everybody, I'm listening to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your cousin told me that they were at a hotel pool and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a quiet pool, it was for adults only, so it was meant for just quiet time. And they're laying, there's an old guy, and next to him, a man opens up his computer, and starts zooming with all of his coworkers, and like, hey guys, what are you just doing? And like in a quiet pool, and the guy next to him, the old man was trying to nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard that, I've seen it so many times, people in the grocery stores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've seen people in grocery stores, fully facetiming, like, hey, you're inside, or at the fuckin' terminal at the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't care. They don't think, and do you want everybody to hear your conversation? I certainly don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we saw, uhm, a lot of hoes and their, their lululemon panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you wear men's biker shorts? I saw a guy running in men's biker shorts and shirtless, which is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it, seeing it like that, no. It doesn't look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take it back, now I want guys to wear biker shorts all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, look at that. You can see that guy's full dong in a white biker shorts. No, the white ones on the far right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's more than what I'm used to seeing of dudes in the world, so that's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I don't get to see outlines of everybody's dicks every day. This is a neat thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought they looked feminine and silly and now I see that they can be really fun and cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They shave it off to make themselves go faster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not that bad. Cause the guy jogging in our neighborhood was not cute like that. I didn't see any kind of hang. I didn't see any kind of outline. I didn't see a bulge. I think cause he was wearing like, the colorful, the multicolored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring up Nigerian Cycling Team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other ones are covered by those stupid bicycles that get in the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should just have men's biker short gangs, and then they walk around and show me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're smart. They don't, they're not photographed without those bikes in front of them for a reason, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why I brought it up, you know, it's getting closer for us and I figured you could really relate to this talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. I'm thinking, and you've done this before, is that dip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the dip's just everywhere and his lips and tongue and ma- I can't be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is a good reminder. Don't forget to take your medicines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a cholo, I'm sorry, a cholo ghost walking up an aggressive pit bull. That's the shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, I'm going to the Philippines for the food. I'm like, mmm, I don't think so. I don't think anybody really goes for the food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the heck is this? So this is photoshopped or whatever it's called. Oh, like a green screen. Yeah. But I thought that you would appreciate this woman's terror. I do like to terror a lot. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why either. It doesn't tickle me as much as it tickles you. Then again, why do I like mentally ill guys who talk about, I like them before they're moving? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Potato, potato, yeaah. I do like those bites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was just a silly talk. That's a lady falling into a full-sized toilet, a huge oversized toilet. Oversized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Socrates Gibberish, Nietzsche Gibberish, and Frank Gibberish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Disco Bob. We met him last week when he's like, what's your favorite cereal? Everybody share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's advocating for the illiterate. We need to stop the illiterate hate. Or stop the illiterate bias, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's the strawberry part. Not now we can get all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine getting excited about buying a variant of the Oreo brand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I guess I don't understand when people get so stoked about, um, like, oh, they made a, who cares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not wrong. Now which one would you offer a lady you were interested in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, thank you. It's, it's the king of candies. I think it's number one in the candy world is a Reese's peanut butter cup. Yanu, what do you agree, agree? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, do you think there's anything better than a Reese's peanut butter cup? I don't think there is. Like Snickers is pretty great, yeah, agreed. But is it better than a Reese cup, dude? I don't fucking think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatchamacallit. Again, I really like those. Not sure if it's as good as a Reese Cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any of you fucking freaks out there are like, omenjoy, disgusting, payday, not as good. There's nothing as good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she made a rhyme with her slime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, the world is- I'll tell you something, we're definitely in between something because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just in a different phase on TikTok. People are getting comfortable again. They're making more innocent talks. If you'll notice, it's about cookies and slime, so it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not as angry as we were a month ago. We're not as panicked. So we're in a nice calm stage and TikTok is a reflection of society.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't think he's thinking of audio quality, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's filming in his garage, he's got like a disco light thing, light show happening in the background. I'm more upset that he gave Cheez-Its an 8. I think Cheez-Its is a superior snack, the pure kind, not the popcorn. I mean, does it get any better than a Cheez-It for a snack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to give the popcorn version an 8, it's, it's disastrous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I have to buy these and then make a video, uh, educating the public on how I feel they taste. This is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I enjoy these so much. I like these as much as you like your horrible or hilarious, so. I know. Just, you know. That, that was, that felt fun for me. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 24th, I can't wait, and then, oh West, one night only, Breast Balls Beach, West Palm Beach, May 6th, the tickets are almost gone, Chart Lake Titties, June 11 and 12, San Antonio, July 15 through 17, Liberty Township, Ohio, Columbus,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on the road. I'm Oklahoma City. I'm doing it all, folks. Check them out, ChristinaPOnline.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, they called, uh, uh, I think, I don't know exactly what, oh, in Germany or some place, uh, foreign, uh, but they called her the pink giant because of, uh, her size, very tall man, uh, woman, and, uh, man, I'm all sorts of pretzeled up with this case here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't smoke outside my apartment now. Do you know that? No, just in general, just a coincidence. And I was, I lost my mind and I said, oh you're gonna let this guy scream the n-word and sleep 10 feet from me but I can't smoke out here? This is bullshit. Why can't you smoke outside? I don't, some rule now, I don't know. What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be smokin' out here, I'm postin' signs tomorrow. And I was like, uh, I didn't hear anything about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, well I'm letting you know now. And I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. So, I've become aggressive in my defense now, and I'm just gonna keep smoking until they kick me out, I guess. Jesus. Who fucking cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, no, I'm here because, well, it's the start of March. And, uh, we ended Black History Month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I thought we could, and since you're, I don't know, did you discuss your murder thing you're no longer on? I was disappointed to hear that. It's really disappointing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I've decided we could reflect on, uh, female serial killers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so when you got on your murder kick, was it like other women who get on theirs? Meaning like they flick their beans to it and everything? They were all about it, these women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well maybe it will get you back into it here. So you can't have this topic of conversation without discussing Eileen Warren.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what's really fucked me up that movie like I can't look at Charlize Theron and be like that's an attractive woman


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause my introduction to her was Monster. That's how you first saw her. So I still see her. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she was, well, according to her, she was the judge, jury, and executioner of these men's fates, so I guess you'd have to decide, you know, is she a worthwhile person to make such judgment calls on these types of men, but yea, she did claim self-defense on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on most of them, or on at least one of them. And I think it stuck on one of them because she only got charged for six of the seven people she murdered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did all sorts of different things. Guns, right? Did she shoot people? I think she stabbed a couple people too. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, Judais aka Judy, uh, Bueno Año.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I don't even think translates properly, right? Am I wrong? It's a bastardized way to translate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and this is why she's a true pioneer. Not only was she the first person murdered in the state of Florida, the first female I should say executed in the state of Florida, but she really kind of did the whole arsenic thing before everybody else. Where she was poisoning their food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these people, they all became terminally and severely ill. It was later found out that they all had arsenic in their system after the last one where they were like, this is weird, all these people are getting really sick around this lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't have, the motives weren't because it came later in life and she never, she still denied it and then she was convicted of it. No one really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, she didn't even do it that, like, more people started doing it later, you know, like different ways, like they put it in their soup or whatever. She did it in, she gave special pills. So she didn't even cloak it that much. Sure, give me your special pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yes, it's the violence. And the motives, because like you said, Eileen had a bit of a righteous motive in terms of like, these are bad men, these are John's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you wanna see a violent one? We got this next lady, who's also of a Latino descent, a Latina, Juana Barraza, who is a Mexican wrestler. She looks like she's not fucking around. No, she was extraordinarily violent, and perhaps you can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Translate this bit of Spanish for me. They called her Mata Viejitas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a M-A-T-A-V-I-E-J-I-T-A-S. Which I understand to be translated to Little Old Lady Killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are just what they've referred to her as. Because she murdered about 24 to 49 somewhere in the range. God damn. Old ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And she was convicted in everything in Mexico. They don't execute, do they? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she has 759 years in prison, so she could get out. Back on the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like you said, they're on their way. I mean, how much do you really have to beat an old lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's just a predator out there. Natural selection, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, two hundred and forty-four years, seven hundred and forty-four years left. Okay. So I think we could see her again. So this last one, I want to pull her out. I love this segment, Josh. This is really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, this is where it's gonna become a sticky wicket for women. Because this is Beat, I think is how you pronounce it, formerly Dead Name, uh, Wolfgang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is when he committed, or she committed this crimes. Well this is where my brain gets in a pretzel. If you transition and you have a dead name, that person Wolfgang committed the crimes, that person's dead. Right. Beat them to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what did Beat formally Wolfgang do? She murdered five women and an infant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, they called, uh, uh, I think, I don't know exactly what, oh, in Germany or some place, uh, foreign, uh, but they called her, uh, the pink giant because of, uh, her size. She's a very tall man, uh, woman and, uh, man, I'm all sorts of pretzeled up with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Often would wear pink lingerie when committing their crimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the way that, uh, Beat here was caught, uhm, wasn't for the mur- like, could have very well gotten away with the murders, but was caught publicly masturbating with a pink bra on, and that's where things started connecting the dots. You see, after they were in custody. That's how it happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I think it was to steal, uh, they didn't say in the things I could see real quick, but I think it was just pure, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say, beat here, lightest sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, light sentence? Lightest of them all, by a mile. Stop it. 15 years in a, uh, theatrical. 15 years? Oh, so she was right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lesson out there if you're gonna serial kill. Maybe take the beat route.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and maybe, just like I said, maybe because Wolfgang the deadname did this, maybe now we can get a new trial for Beat. Right. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard you mention, by the way, math is racist. Did you know being an environmentalist is racist as well now? The environmental movement, climate change, if you support it. Well, we know that veganism- Oh, it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, fuck the world, the earth. I don't want to see us fix it because the white man said to fix it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, your husband has a great curated Netflix, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Point of personal privilege, please do not use gender's language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, he's like, oh man. He's like, ah fuck, put that in, put it in drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I do a girl. I tuss her boobies. Oh wow. I lick them. Oh yeaah. I lick that boobies. That my favorite part. Tussing them too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oven, I had just finished making my spaghetti sauce. Takes eight to ten hours to make. Uhm, I'm making spaghetti meatballs for dinner tomorrow and I have two bottles of wine. So, actually three. So, if any of you ladies are interested, give me a holler. Bye bye now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you been having issues with having a rude roommate? I'm in the same situation because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sunday time is family time, baby. There's nothing important in Sunday. Sunday time, baby. Family time, baby. It's important. Forget your business or your work or whatever you do. You gotta spend time with your family. It's fucking Sunday, baby. Fuck. Sunday time is family time. Fuck, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brunch, you know, shopping, whatever, the beach. It's fucking Sunday. Do the hell you want it. It's Sunday. Forget your business or whatever. Or your work. Family time is important. Sunday time is family time, baby. Fuck, baby. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not get a head start by revisiting your home and auto insurance with Policy Genius. First, head to PolicyGenius.com and answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property. Then Policy Genius takes it from there. They'll compare rates from America's top insurers


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From progressive to all state to find your lowest quotes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius team will look at all the ways to maximize your savings, including bundling your home and auto policies. If Policy Genius finds a better rate than what you're paying now, they'll switch yours over for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kind of service has earned Policy Genius a five star rating across over thousands of reviews on TrustPilot and Google. So while you're gearing up for spring cleaning,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget to dust off your home and auto insurance policies with Policy Genius. Reshop your rates and you could save up to $1,055. Head to PolicyGenius.com to get started right now. Policy Genius. When it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I love it. I think you're doing a great job. Thanks, thanks. I'm going to barber school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking at the note, one of those, I'm looking at how fat my, yeah, my neck is, my double chin. It says that in the notes? No, it says, uh, Tom's M-I-O Milk. Yeah, oh yeah, that was pretty good. What's that about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'd be worried that I'm 20 years old again, cause I dream about that a lot. It's a reoccurring dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm looking for you. And I'm looking for my children. And I'm looking for my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm in my twenties and I'm like, I'm going, I'm back in time to a time when life was really uncertain for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, where's my husband? Where's Tom? And I can't find you and it causes like panic in the dream. Wow. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I snapped you up right around this. 25 is when I snatched this thing out. But you met me around this time. Of course. How could I forget? Look at those smoldering wolf eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, what, but give me the expression, like, you know when photographers give you a thought, and what's this thought, like, you just got passed to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's your, hold on, so that was your imaffable look?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Mr. Clavicles, why is there no cum? That's his cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's commercial because you don't smile like that ever. Ever in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. Hey Tom, you're gonna have a child. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Tom, you just won the lottery. Yeah, not big deal. That's, that's, you know, you look like our son, you look like us. Yeah. I see our children. Ugh, look at those eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here? Are you kidding me? This is a young, what's his name, Newman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, I remember meeting you around this age, and this is when I was like, what's up, Tom Segura? What is up with Tom Segura? Oh, believe me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the guy. Now this is the guy I started dating. This is 25, I believe. Right? It was around there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not who you are, at all. At all. What a liar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, here's my favorite thing about headshots though. It's always, especially in this era, it was like, go downtown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, headshots. It's always like, let's get on a rooftop in downtown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could bring you a million terrible of mine. Just like this. Oh, so many. I have so many. And you know, it's all dirty too by the end of the day because you're standing in bum pits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to hear the difference between your experience about weed on cruise ships and mine? So when I was 15, I went on a cruise with my stepsister, my stepdad and my mom. We were both goth, my stepsister and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was cool, and we dressed fully goth on the boat. Uh, one of, we befriended one of the crew members, and he totally thought he was gonna score with us, and he's like, come over here, and like, we'd sat down on the deck, and then he would get us high every night, and buy us drinks, and get us liquored up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I didn't make out with him. I think my sister may have. My stepsister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell if that's code for like, our sexual behavior. We were like, yeah, on an accident. I'm like, oh god, is he, is he saying something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, okay, so I took our son Skeetal to Austin, just Skeetal and I, Ellis and I, and we're hiking up in the mountains there, and he's throwing rocks, we're having a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta take a pee, and there's nowhere to pee up there. There's no bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I squat on the rocks, and I'm wearing my baggy adidas pants, track pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst. So I go, I squat, I go back to sit down and watch the kid playing, and I notice, I go, oh, my leg's a little wet. My leg's a little wet. And I'm examining my pants. Not just a little wet, bro. Soaked in piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in Halloween in the Castro. Yeah. And I pulled my genie costume down to piss in the streets, and I pissed in the sewer, like in there, and I got sewer filth all over my costume. And I smelled like sewer. Now I just pee. The whole night. I was so drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You should have seen the costume after. Cause it was like sheer genie pants. Covered in like bomb piss and dirt and grime. It was gnarly dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I beg my dad, please can we go to the front? He goes, are you fucking kidding me? This shit's so rickety, falls apart, you're gonna die on all this bullshit. No way, no way. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sometimes I wish I could guest on, you know when like famous people get to do spots on television shows for children? Yea. Like my fantasy is like to be on StoryBots or Sesame Street. And last night you were like, that's never gonna happen for us. Yea. It'll never happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just glad that other women are now experiencing what I've been experiencing for 15 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you who want to know why it's not your mom's house podcast, uh, because when we opened the Gmail account a million years ago, it was already taken. Oh yea, yea. I opened that up. I tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Well, there's one Asian lady on Tik Tok where she's always eating extra large seafood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, and she says something and then she'll take like a huge crab. Yep. Mammal claw. Whatever, it's like this big and dump it. Do they pick this out when they're done? I imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I'm impressed when I can pick up trash on the floor with my toes. That is like, another level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I wanna train myself to do this. You can. How many hours do you think it would take?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, maybe next week. I've made an appointment already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like Nikki Glaser, she calls hers big sneaky tits. Mine are kinda big and sneaky too, but they're huge already. Okay. You want me to go, what, J's or something? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think this is appropriate for a 44 year old mother of two?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe. You don't think this will scare the children?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, Cray Sean's up there. She's a friend of mine. Yeah, go up. That's Cray. Oh, hit that. She's got one and she's got a son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's got a lot more tattoos than that though. But that's cray, she can do that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't pull this off, babe. I can barely pull off the nose ring. I'm a little nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, I can't cover this up though, I'd have to wear a turtleneck to cover it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I get a nose ring, will you pierce your junk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why this is so close to me? Is that I can see myself being dumb enough and doing the exact same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot like you feel, maybe a little lumpy, maybe a little deflated, no longer has the same fluff it used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time for a refresh with Brooklinen. Brooklinen creates beautiful, high quality bedding and home essentials. They work directly with manufacturers to give you a fair price. No middlemen, no markups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love their comforters. I'm a huge fan of Brooklyn and Sheetz. We sleep on those every night. I love their pillows and now their comforters. Their comforters come in lightweight, all season and ultra warm to suit every type of sleeper and lifestyle. There's even a weighted comforter option for stress relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Brooklinen's comforters pair perfectly with their sheets, pillows, and duvet covers. There's a reason Brooklinen has over 75,000 five star reviews and counting. Treat yourself to ultimate comfort with Brooklinen's comforter collection. Go to brooklinen.com, use promo code HOUSE to get $25 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Enter promo code HOUSE for $25 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklinnen.com promo code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause it's such a, you know how it is. Yeah. I have, listen, as an immigrant, I have respect for... Americans don't wanna fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I prefer it. I'm just like, I'm a new person. I'm reborn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't get any love. No bro. But even in the south, when I went to the south, that's when I was like, oh, this last name is not helping me. Cause they were like, y'all, you're an outsider. Like you're not white enough. And I was like, wow, I guess I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, for years I held that belief because I was like, look, Arnold Schwarzenegger, you gotta tell me that everybody learned Schwarzenegger, they learned, you know, and then I just got tired. You know what I mean? I got tired. It tires me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a word that rhymes with it? Cause usually that helps people. Oh, that does help. Cussin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's yellow and chunky looking, yea, it's soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what'd you say, my best friend who I grew up with, she's so oblivious to pop culture stuff. I'll be like, dude, have you heard of uh, Dane Cook? She's like, who's Dane Cook? Like, she's so checked out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, she will know that one. She might know that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there is something he's saying which is interesting about being a spectator to all of life now. Like you, you're creating content over every fucking moment of existence versus just being in that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah, that's wild, like that guy's on a microphone, like that lunacy is happening. Yeaah. Like how do these people always have the wherewithal to pull out their phone? That's always the part that I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in an alternate universe, like my brain is trying to comprehend the differences now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love my Tushie, especially my Tushie 3.0. It's a modern bidet attachment, and it's here to level the playing field. You know why, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the days have been around for centuries, but they usually cost a fortune. Thousands of dollars, but now with Tushy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get this for a reasonable price. You use this one. What do you love about it? Tell the audience. I know what you love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, Tom. Hello. Tushy 3.0 doesn't just cleanse your butt with a precise stream of fresh water. It cleans itself before and after it's used with a smart spray automatic self-cleaning nozzle. It attaches to your existing toilet, requires no electricity or additional plumbing, and cuts toilet paper used by 80%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okie dokie, already got a tush on your pot? Upgrade to the new 3.0 model. And if you're new to the revolution, join millions of happy hello tushy customers right now and have a clean butt with every flush. I, we love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not a leather guy. Like you think you're a leather guy. And then one time I tried on a jacket for my special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And remember, I thank you so much. This is why you get married. Cause I had on a leather jacket and he's like, okay, dice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The London beat of it. Yeah, but like, I'm also understanding because I'm a comic and I understand how neurotic one gets closer to taping. Yeah. So I have sympathy. Yeah. I have sympathy for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You forget, you forget, my friend, that when you're a showman, your job is show business. We have a license to ill, bro. Like you have a license to fucking dress crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think he was a good financial advisor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When my mom died, it was like a treasure hunt. Like my dad and I were going through all her stuff and she had like hidden jewelry in plastic bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it sounded like, it sounded like that because your father basically refuses your kindness, your gesture, the Tesla he spits on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, so that's interesting. So how much old school do you raise your kids and then how much like American? Cause I'm always balanced between that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just didn't know better, like, I wanted a pink bike growing up with streamers. Yea. And he's like, this pink bike is fucking bullshit. I'm gonna get you a good bike. And he got me like a black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so pretty. Oh, but it's not. So that's good. If you've ever hooked up with another guy, it doesn't mean you're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't think I didn't see it on Two Bears, where when you guys were like, I hope we meet Jen Aniston, and then, and then Bert goes, should we bring our wives? And you go, fuck no! Don't think I didn't see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so yeaah, exactly, knits off that face. So he, he goes, it sounds like, I go, Tommy, I don't want to see this movie, this sounds terrible. And he's like, why isn't this, doesn't this sound great? This is like everybody's fantasy. I go, not everybody's, this is your fantasy. Right. You're angry inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I don't want to do this at all. And then I started thinking about it. Well what's, and he goes, Tom goes, what's your fantasy? And I was like, shit, I don't even know if I have one. And then I realized, I think I want to be in the Beastie Boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every song is so detailed, if you listen to the sampling and how they did it, and it's layers on layers, I just, and their timing, especially as a performer, when you watch how they rehearse, if you, if you wanna know, wanna know the real deal, like they, they chime in on words, and you're like, this is wild, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's your fantasy? Do you have a recurring fantasy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I mean one Shauna, who doesn't know shit about pop culture, I've had since I was 13. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, so, I'm the official curator of TikTok. The thing is, it's meant to be a light-hearted dance thing, like, look at me do this dance, and then it's cute girls, not my feed. I've curated a feed of horror, of despair, of funny things that I think, I think are funny. Okay? I think are funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But first, allow me to make a correction from last week's segment of Tech Talks. I got a stern DM beating from several people pointing out that I had fallen prey to what is known as an actor on the talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought I was so taken with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, I was sorry, but he was so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that was interesting and she has multiple nose piercings. I know you're a fan of, but she's got one, two, three, four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not lying. She's not lying. She's not lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best part about being married, don't you like that? Like now you're married, you can- Did your wife torture you like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, you know, like, I manhandle him, like, come here, and I pull his pants out and I spank his booty and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and what's really sexy is the cat playground in the back. In case you wondered, he is a cat owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's demonstrating how he does the whip. And again, I like that he's sensitive. He can take care of a pet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I wonder in the sugar baby sugar daddy dynamic if that's part of it that he has to point out that he is the sugar daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a cab driver in LA that puts out a bunch of these tutorials for men. He's pretty rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. We're in the wild. We're in the wilderness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, but I wanted to bring it up as an interesting talking point because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so why were they vibing and doing that so long? Do you have a right to say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a jerk though, like, but do you have a right to tell somebody that, that you're on essentially a blind date with? Like when they show up, do you have a right to say, hey, you look really different? I don't know the etiquette, I've never done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High stakes. High stakes. So there's Said, and he's from Morocco, right? Morocco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Tunisia. Yeah. And so she's like 50 and he's 28. Okay. And she basically misrepresented herself. She did. And they show it on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Filters and lighting, and so when they met in person in Morocco, I'm sorry, Tunisia, he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're like, you know, 20 years old or 30 years older. So, I mean, to call someone now and be like, hey, you don't look like your profile. You might be doing them a favor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. All of those are like that. Really? They're all kind of jokey and like, I'm having a great day. I'm going to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I figured she has too much respect. You have too much respect for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's stop weight bias. Let's work together to stop weight bias today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you liked me as much as I like you. I think you're a nice woman. You're a gorgeous woman. You're pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna date you. I wanna go out with you. I wanna treat you nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grab your special king, or grab your special queen. Kings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still looking for that special lady to be my queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, if you're in the Canton, Akron, Masson, or Cleveland area, let me know. Kingsandqueensabove18 at gmail.com. I would love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go out and do stuff and have fun and maybe take a ride on a bike. Come on! Summer has just started. Let's go do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's make some videos. I wanna see them. I wanna laugh. I wanna laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I'm finally going back on tour. I'm announcing the I'm Coming Everywhere World Tour. This is the first leg of the tour. There are many, many, many more cities


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for the first leg, if the pre-sale starts today, Wednesday, if you're watching the show as it comes out, go to TomSegura.com slash tour. The pre-sale starts at 10 a.m. local time, and the code word is ball hog. All one word. B-A-L-L-H-O-G. If you wait till Friday, that's the general on sale, you may not get the tickets you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pre-sale starts now, go to TomSegura.com, get your tickets, use the code BALLHOG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Shady Rays. I'm not exaggerating here. My favorite product that I have been sent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From any sponsor are my Shady Ray sunglasses. For real. They really are. They're incredible. They have a bunch of different styles, uh, well made, they look cool, and they have the most insane warranty of any product out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, just so you know, they set out to make a difference in the sunglasses space. They saw that the sunglasses are so expensive and they wanted to set out to change it. They make premium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be afraid to get dirty and have them fall or, you know, even if they break. Listen, they have the craziest warranty in all of eyewear. Lost and broken, replaced. If you lose or break your Shady Rays on day one, they told us they will send you a brand new pair, no questions asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incredible. And of course you should know that Shady Rays also provides 10 meals to fight hunger in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We think you're gonna love them, and if they're not for you, you can return them for free anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exclusively for our listeners, Shady Rays is running their deepest deal of the season, use code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For 50% off, two or more pairs at ShadyRays.com. Buy one, get one free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TVA.com and check out their Memorial Day sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually made the first, that's his second track he sent us. He did Welcome to Your Mom's House. Remember that? Yep. Very, very. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, I mean he made it like, I don't know, close to a decade ago or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no it's pretty, it's pretty remarkable to be able to be this uhm, dumb for this long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want proof, just watch fucking 600 episodes of this show. Pretty dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty great. Uhm, yeaah, so we got a big show planned for today. We have a special guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you're very excited. I'm very, very excited. Man, it's your wheelhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she was saying you can't like, you could really connect with this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, another reminder, those of you who have not yet, go to ymhstudios.com slash rentals to watch the big Cinco de Mayo show that we did from the West Palm Beach Improv. Uh, a lot of fun with a live audience. Uh, first time doing that in a long time. We used to do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Podcasts in front of an audience from time to time, but not quite like this and certainly not with the full production, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check it out, try it out, watch it, J or D, have some fun. It was a lot of fun. YMHstudios.com slash rental. Sure, some people will probably masturbate to it. Do you think so? I think so. There was a special content, we shot special things for it, and you know, we had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and top it all off,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it really was. Very special. Uh, you wanna do a proper show open? Yeaah. Let's do it. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, she sees a worm on the ground. She goes, Oh my God, the first worm of the day. And then she lays on the wet pavement and sucks a worm into her mouth from the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, why not? Hold on one sec.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, yeah, maybe since, maybe since she was a kid or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she gets it. That was super cool. Uh, Annie, you didn't like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get it, because it's ingested. So you're like, I can't. I'm done with you. Like I, one of the only things that will make my eyes water, and I mean immediately, is uh, somebody even talks about eating bugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And I'm like, my eyes, I'm like, I start dry heaving. I can't, I just can't, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Like when somebody eats them or says they eat, like if somebody even says they eat their books, I'm like, like I can't handle it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember seeing it as a kid. I remember seeing it as a kid. Dude, Mrs. Absarovski. I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was in the back of like our station wagon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're at a stoplight and she pulls up behind us and we wave because like we know who she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let's go through this. She was, I mean, she was like, feasting. And I was like, I was ready to throw up and so normally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just shared, and I'm ready to move on. Okay? Shared time's over.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, obviously you can't know someone's full fucking secrets, but like, you know, if you're informing me of it, I'm like, just, you know, don't talk to me. Definitely don't try to kiss me or something. You're fucking disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely not. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She drank, she drank, uh, what is it called, ethanol or something? Gas. No, that's what I'm trying to tell you. It's not gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. It has a different chemical composition. Where you could actually ingest it. I mean, you're not supposed to. But, you know. Am I saying it right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's alcohol in it, right? That's why. That's why people drink it. Just like some people drink mouthwash. That's when you know you're really fucking addicted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People drinking that full, full bottle of scope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would understand that. If you're that addicted to anything, I'd be like, that's prob- that's not a good relationship to be in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would be able to tune it out after a while. I'd be so used to it because you do it every time you walk in the room. They'd just be like hearing shoes tap on the floor. I'm not a fan of it, but I think I'd be able to adapt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super annoying, but you would, you would, you know what would be the worst is like 2 o'clock in the morning when you go to pee and you come back and you're like, I'd be like, come on, I'm fucking sleeping. You're like, I know, but I just walked in the room. I had to pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know everybody would be like, why is she doing that? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I would just, I'd look at my phone. I don't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we just lost about half our listeners, so. God, you're really on one today. Done? Are you done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be weird, uh, like one thing that you've experienced, that I definitely have not, is seeing your parents date other people. And I have to say... You know what I mean? I have that thing where I just know my parents is together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you got to like, meet their, you know.


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[Assistant] How could he, how would, what would make him like one? As opposed to being like, yeah, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, what did he, when was he like, yea right, if the girl was like challenging him and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I bet they would like, do that, see that he was turned off, and then be like, oh, how can I save this, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they were probably like, is something wrong with me? He's like, yeah, you keep fucking thinking and talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be different. It could be something like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does cover her mouth. It does cover her mouth. It's over my mouth. Okay? That's her reasoning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's definitely there to fuck with people that are trying to just shop, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, you know, they were fucking with me that last episode. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't really feel like that's appropriate, but I feel like saying, um, you know, next time I would find the full clip first. We don't have to look for it on the show. And if I, uh, if I was out of line or if I accused you of something that I shouldn't have, you know, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I said, you know, I was like, why would they fuck with me, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it turns out this is a double fucking trick, and you are fucking with me, then fuck you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I feel like you're doing it right now, so if you're fucking with me- I'm just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your counter when I didn't, I used to use the hairdryer to get my head and beard trimmings everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other one that, it takes you a long time, I wish, you know we joke about what could you tell like 17 year old self? Oh my gosh. The one thing, honestly if I could tell myself one thing, like go back, you're only allowed to tell yourself one thing. I would sit myself down and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one is thinking or talking about you. That's such a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every fucking day. Except for the fact that these guys are fucking with me with these clips. That was different, yeaah. That was different. But, other than that, now I'm back on the earlier opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, this I just, I don't know, I saw this and I felt like it's definitely worth sharing because I don't know what is happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fedsmoker couldn't get any crazier.


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[Assistant] I mean, I just feel like there's gotta be like a not too buried deep law about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like they could be like, hey man, you know that there's a penal code about this, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, everybody should be. This is, this is a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a walking, talking nightmare. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the car dealership asking them to sponsor his drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he knew how to operate in the shadows, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Feds, uh, Conald, knocking on your door would be the beginning of, it would make you crazy. It's like one of those movies, you know, where the person's like stuck inside. Yeah, like the person's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I've had it a couple times. What is it? I don't know. I just, I've been in, you know, your feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, kinda gooey, kind of gelatin-y. What is it? What does it say there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they tell you, I mean it says there are health benefits, I mean like, you know, I don't know, it's like a thing where you go, I'm being healthy, that's why people order it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? Okay. What are the health benefits? People eat acai berries to address various health conditions, but so far, oh, have no known health benefits. Of course. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, because they, but also when you order the bowls, it's a mix mat, you know? There's other ingredients in there usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'll try it. I forget like a breakfast place and I saw it. I'll try it. And it was fine, but I wasn't like, I love this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's not- You sound like, you sound like Demi Lovato right now. Demi Lovato. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, I'll take it a step further, and I'll say let's cancel fruit. Cancel fruit! We're done with fruit, and stop presenting yourself as healthy, and you're just fucking flooding people's glucose, you fucking fruit cunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you sell fruit, we're gonna pick it in front of your store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get breakfast brownies. Breakfast brownies. Start your day with breakfast brownies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina P will be appearing in Omaha, Nebraska, June 3rd, 4th and 5th, right? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. Uh, I can't read. Uh, then she's going to Salt Lake City, June 11th and 12th. Wise guys. On over to San Antonio, July 15, 16, and 17. LOL. And then Liberty Township Funny Bone, July 22nd through 24th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From there, it's on to Columbus, Ohio at the August 12th through the 14th at the Funny Bone there, Oklahoma City, Brick Town in September. All tickets are available at Christina P online. And yes, she'll be in Indy and Denver as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy Buns doing some shows in Espanol. June 25th and 26th in Ontario. The 27th is in Brea. Those are the Spanish shows. Tickets on sale at tomscura.com. Stay tuned for more shows announced soon. And we're going to have our guest here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Manscaped. This is breaking news. This is an important PSA brought to you by Manscaped.com. This is your pubic service announcement and the news you've all been waiting for. The Manscaped engineering team has confirmed they have successfully created the Lawn Mower 4.0 trimmer which is now available for purchase in the USA and Canada. This new trimmer


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just released only moments ago and we are one of the first to get our hands on it and share the news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the first people to try the new 4.0 and I'm blown away. I'm telling you, I am over using scissors and knives and blades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To trim my pubic area, my testicles and just sitting in pools of blood for days afterwards. Now, Manscaped has the 4.0 trimmer and I can just be as aggressive as I want and clean up that whole area so it's all lappable for your pretty mouths. Now, get 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free worldwide shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off and free worldwide shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. Unlock your confidence and always use the right tools for the job with Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I gotta tell you, man, this guy, every, like, you know, we have like, say, work done here, there's an AC guy coming or, you know, a soundproofing guy, I'll be like, how'd it go? He goes, he was Israeli, so I told him to take a hike. I'm like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yourself. Dude, I remember when, uh, when we first got in here, we were doing soundproof appraisals. Yeah. And, uh, so he calls me, Nadav calls me, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the guy pulls up, he's Israeli so, you know, I immediately want to tell him to fuck off and I'm like, look, we need to play Soundproof Man. So he's like, he gave us a quote and it was like, I'm just making it up, but it was like, you know, $11,000 and he goes, and he goes, that's a pretty good price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I go, hey, follow up with that guy. So he calls me, he goes, I followed up with him, it's now 16. And I was like, what? He goes, yea dude, I told you. And then I go, well call him back. He goes, I called him back, it's 18. Oh my god. So then I was like, alright. He goes, I told you man, you can't do it. That's all, that's all from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're dealing with any type of, you know, it could be the same type of thing, like working in a store or like, you know, somebody come into construction and it's a Latin person, she'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep your eye. And also, I don't trust him. Why? Because he's Latin. And he's going to try to take something from us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it reveals things about cultures. Yes. You know? And so I feel like American cursing reveals


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our culture is like powerful but complacent. It's not that creative. But you go abroad and you hear things like that and you're like, what in the fuck? And then you, then you learn that like, oh yeah. And a lot of people talk like, it's not just like one person saying that shit. It's really common. Like when you travel, you hear it's so much better. All the cursing is better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad that other people, cause sometimes you feel like it's just you. Cause my mother, I call her and she'll be like, Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like, okay. And she's like, why are you calling? She's like, uh, you're not out, uh, making your money and doing your chores. I'm like, I'm just calling my mom. And then I go, you know, you know, this is a two way relationship and you never call me, right? Ever. She's like, do you want to talk to your father?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They came out here and we went to like a nice steakhouse and we sat down and at like, like kind of like getting your bearings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The server comes up, my dad goes, oh did you hear who died? My cousin. He said it like cheerfully, and we were like, oh, I'm sorry. And he's like, no, yeah, I hadn't talked to her in a while, she's dead. And we're like, the fuck? And then he goes to, uhm, medical malpractice from the hospital. He's like, do you know what they did at the hospital? They burned a lady's vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad never thought that anything that hurt, probably hurt. Like, every time I was like, I think I hurt my arm, he'd be like, oh yea, alright. And he'd just like turn, I'd be like, he's like, go take some Tylenol. I'm like, what? Can I get an x-ray or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make clear to the audience here, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that you worked on the show and you yourself were a fan first and there are a lot of fans. I've never spent time with as devout a fan of something than you are with the Howard Stern Show. You are really, really a dedicated fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but I'm just saying, it's, it's cool. That's how it is with that show. I love it. You know, it's cool because literally, I mean for the last, I don't know how many years, you know, I'm walking up the stairs and I just hear her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Giggling, and I'm like, what's going on? And then, you know, after a while you're like, oh, and then you get in the car, and then Stern shows up, like, she's a really, a real fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, seventh, I remember seventh grade getting ready for school in the suburbs of Milwaukee. So it was, uh, obviously syndicated there. But the time where it was the biggest for me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] was when I worked the graveyard shift at a production place. So I would work 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. So I would actually listen when I remember. In drive time, yea. Well I would listen like as the show began but like at fucking 4 in the morning or whatever because the whole night you're doing like this miserable post production stuff


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I tell you by the way, this is the type of guy that gives sports cars a bad name, okay? Like, you fucking like cars and then you see this fucking asshole in one and you're like, maybe I'll just ride a bike. Because this guy ruins it. I'd listen if he told me how to get Krispy Kreme for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Babbel. For most of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point in our academic careers. I know for me, it was a third language because I already spoke two. Now thanks to Babbel, the number one selling language learning app, there's an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you'll be traveling abroad, connecting in a deeper way with family, or just you have some free time, Babbel teaches bite-sized language lessons that you'll actually use in the real world. I'm doing it in French right now because I want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babel's 15 minute lessons make it the perfect way to learn a new language on the go. I've done it on.


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[Assistant] Including Spanish, French, Italian and German. Right now when you purchase a three month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to babbel.com. Use the promo code mom. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be doing, you know what I mean? Like your contributor on this show that you love for a long time, but now you're doing your own thing, it's gotta feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can go for a ride when we're done here. Alright, I'm in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got, I remember like, you know, I didn't know the ins and outs of the business, but I remember there was a thing where he had, he got one of those, I don't even know what it's called, but like when they pay you to not do rate, you know what I mean? Like they were like, he got paid full salary to non-compete. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't. I told you, I can imagine plowing chicks in front of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're listening, it is a black woman with a confederate flag and talking about how she likes white guys more. Pretty cool. Just your average everyday Tuesday over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, prove to me you're not lying. This guy has been duped. That's what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's old gays that sit around and then a younger man. This is like Fire Island if they put it out. This is what's left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny that you point out that you're like, here's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is over it not leading to anything in real life. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I used to work with a guy in Boston, okay? I worked at a Boston real estate office out of college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were on com app. So this is high traffic and fucking dimes walking by all day. So all the guys would be like, Hey, hey, hey, hey, they had like a, one of the guys be like, Hey, there's three eggs over here. That would mean like everyone look up. And so you'd look up and one guy, he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not gonna suck my dick. He would never look up. He would never look up. And he was an older guy. He'd be like, why? Like he just didn't, he was over it. That's what this guy, he's fucking over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have a fucking trail. Seriously, let's keep record. At least record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also telling you he's sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want a fucking monkey. I mean, this is the worst ad for a monkey. It really is. It sounds like a goddamn nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you don't, I mean, yea, of course you don't, but I mean, I've never like hooked up and been like, God, what are her morals? Like this is fucking, you know, I'm just always like, I'm happy to be in here. Yeah, you know, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, shows? Play any shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now look, I'm not saying every woman can be the epic trophy wife of all time, like Melania Trump. I'm not saying that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ain't. And men want their wives to look good at home and in public. Can I get an amen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but what if I, what if I promise to not eat them in front of you? No. It's just my secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so annoying. It's so annoying. It's so annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You may be successful in your career, but your education, your income does not increase your value to men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men want women who are fit, but yet in our community, 80% of the women are overweight and 80% of that are obese. No one holds women accountable for their weight. So who's holding women accountable?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, what the French toast? Liposuction is called push away from the table, drink water, eat vegetables, and exercise like a, no, liposuction. No ma'am, it's called exercise. It is called exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you cute. I wanna watch Netflix and cuddle with you. I also would like to buy you food. I would also very much like to touch your butt and probably give you kisses on your neck. You good with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably give you kisses. On your neck. You good with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Thank you, sister. I ain't your motherfuckin' sister, I'm the boss! I ain't your fuckin' sister, I'm the boss!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, that he thought I was going to be thinner in person. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had like three false alarms. I thought I was going to do, you know, do a dump. And what I had was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I don't know what it is, it's the confinement, yeaah, the confinement, and they really don't have very good, let's face it, the toilet paper on planes is not really, it's not, it's not big league stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you almost feel like you're making your own role in your carry on luggage and going up in there and using some of that good Sherman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said you went over there today or yesterday? It was yesterday, it was yesterday. I don't know what, if I ate something, but I was uhm, you know, I was really gassy yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I'm sitting there and all of a sudden I feel that urge so I head down the hall and go in there, you know, drop my jars and waiting for something and all of a sudden


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could have been, it could have been ugly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yes, it's within, really seriously, it's within a minute or two every morning. You can set your watch by the time I go. You really could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, you know, if, if you get to know your farts over, you know, I mean, if you think about how many shits I've taken in my life, we're talking, you know, well over a hundred thousand. Okay. So you get to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I probably, you know, countin' a child of four shits a day, probably, that's 97,000, I'm probably coming up on my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something looks forward to it, another milestone. Okay. Okay. So, but I can tell, I can tell by the odor whether it's going to be a, you know, a brick or it's going to be a sloppy Joe. I can tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, absolutely, yeaah. How did you know? I, I just know that, that, you know, the smell, and I know each level has its own unique, uh, you know, there's kind of a, the higher you go up in there, but it's kind of a rancid smell when, when they're more solid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you get some ugly smells that you're up there in the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six, seven and eight range. There's no eight. You've created eight. Five, five, well, five, six and seven range, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I, I, you know, I'm just, I can just, you know, it's, it's like some people can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I generally don't eat something with fire before I go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you had a dinner time and it takes a while, depends on how fast your digestive process is. But, uh, you know, for the most part, there's stuff that's, you know, in the, in the assembly line before, you know, if I had something late at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of stuff that are coming to the end of the train station. See what I mean? So, I, I still...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, mornings are fairly benign. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm going to go, you know, I'll have one, uh, you know, sometimes the early afternoon ones or sometimes the early evening ones too can be, can be, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The time that I farted in the movie theater and the whole row behind me moved. I told you about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, I've seen you, I've seen you go down to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Downstairs to, you know, whatever, just to kind of get some air outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, that's way up there. But I figure if I don't do it now, we'll never do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And, uh, Canada is a pretty country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was just laying there watching an afternoon TV show. You know? What were you wearing? Yea, I was kind of in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had my boxers, but I was kind of a weird position. So my boxers were, you know, and were kind of open. Yeah. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it kinda, some got on my underwear, but some squirted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I do. I do. And I've modified my diet lately. You know, I've


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on this, uh, eating fish every day, kick shrimp and orange roughy, uh, trying to lose some weight. And so I'm off to red meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I think that the cheaters really turned out to be, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I don't like to, you know, that's not something that, that I really would ever want to talk about publicly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this blonde is sitting at a bar in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, there's some guy up on the ledge getting ready to jump. So this, this guy sits down next to her and he says to her, this is the six o'clock news and, and, uh, he says, uh, I bet you he jumps and the blonde says, I bet you drink. He doesn't. And all of a sudden the guy jumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, no, I really can't take the money cause I saw it on the five o'clock news and the blonde says, so did I, but I thought you might change his mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, have her stand in the shower for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, this blonde, she was gonna go from New York to Europe, to London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she just climbed on board and she sat in first class without a first class ticket. And the stewardess said, I'm sorry miss, but you're not allowed, you have to go back and coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could. Yea, the other kind of jokes I like, I like, uh, I like Polish jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I actually, I think you're much better doing what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the trouble with a blunt, with a short joke is jokes over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what these two polo, these two polox decided to bury their father at sea?


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[Assistant] All I have to do, I'm never really in a bad mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, you know, all I have to do to entertain myself actually is think about all your childhood experiences with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have, I would have made that the, uh, what is it, the fairytale moment that night. I would have been like, I would have called her back. I mean, it was what, 10 by 10? You were like, alright, she's definitely not coming. No, but that's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think, uh, I'm with Tom, I think he's, uh, I think he's mixed, yeaah. I don't think he's full black, but uhm, I mean he's gotta have something, look at his nose is the thing, like, his nose, he's got that black slash Filipino nose, that's white as fuck. Well, white guys don't have that nose.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think, uh, consensus is, you niggas don't want no rec. Rec, right? No rec, yea. I'm gonna fuck you up. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm. You want to hear it again? Sure, one more time.


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[Assistant] That's for sure you. That's me? That's 100% you. Alright, it's me again.


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[Assistant] That had to be someone else. I think. That's a black dude.


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[Assistant] I got all these wrong, huh? I'm just fucking out left and right.


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[Assistant] Actually, I mean, it was wild. I don't even sound- You wanna talk some shit?


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[Assistant] Oh nevermind, that's a black dude, that's a black dude. Gotta be.


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[Assistant] Alright, it's a black dude. It's someone else. I changed my mind. Okay, two more.


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[Assistant] It's either me or a black guy. It's gotta be a black guy, I guess. That can't be you, right? What are we on? That's the last one. That was number ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I can't even believe you just did that voice. You just, we just became a completely different person just by saying that one thing that you just did. Didn't take any mess? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you, you know the, the, the argument that people have for why it was a poo in Simpsons? They're like, not even the people like that talk like that. You talk like black people, like black people don't even talk like black people. That's, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, I'd like to say that most of the naming rights have been gone to Zolo, so if it isn't appropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So DP Friday, DP Saturday, Sunday DP, and Monday, uh, boy girl anal scene. I'm like, oh my god, this is gonna be a fun ass weekend. And at least I'll be like stretched out, so that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel so good. I received another poster in the mail today. A Bayonetta poster. You can see Bayonetta's ass. Oh, fuck me.


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[Assistant] Her tits are fantastic. I certainly wouldn't mind tasting her magnificent ass. You can see.


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[Assistant] You can't even go on vacation, you know why? Because you got a monkey. Nobody, you can't get sitters for a monkey. People gotta be specially trained for your monkey, so you can't leave him.


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[Assistant] In a kennel, or try to put him on somebody because they can't take care of your monkey.


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[Assistant] Some monkeys, not all monkeys, but some monkeys don't like kids. Mojo?


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[Assistant] That all depends on the day, but kids are a no-brainer.


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[Assistant] Please, if you're below the age of 18, enjoy. I love you all. Let's make some videos. I wanna see em. I wanna laugh.


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[Assistant] Christine, I still love you. I know that you didn't mean what you said, you just said it not even thinking.


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[Assistant] I say you need to let me take you out on a date and take you to dinner and show you the real king.


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[Assistant] You let me know if I can do that. I would be glad to do that. You have a beautiful night, my queen. You are beautiful. I'm gonna make you my queen of the year.


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[Assistant] I mean, this is being recorded on December 14th, so it's been 14 straight days of craziness.


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[Assistant] I mean, with this uh, with this injury, it's pretty wild all the things that we're able to do. So now, instead of Tom being right next to you...


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[Assistant] He sure is. But I'll tell you what, I have done tech checks for Zoom with the entire Segura family so far. There's been Maria, Char, Top Dog, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best tech check we've ever done. Well, of course. In and out, he was so breezy. He knew everything. Oh, this button, I know what you're talking about. Click this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like Burt, like Burt got like a, I remember, I remember getting the phone call when it happened. And it's like, I know that they're filming, this happened on December 1st. And I get a phone call, like first I get a text from Lindsey being like, hey guys, this thing that we had an argument on, now's the time to like place bets on whether or not someone could do it or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, oh, placing bets on this, placing bets on that. And then I didn't hear anything for about an hour, and then Burt calls me.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I'm like, oh, okay, this is probably for camera. I'm like, oh, what's up, Bert? He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh, okay buddy. Like I still think it's a bit.


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[Assistant] Push. Tom said that you're giving him blowjobs the way Leanne gives me blowjobs. I wanna see you. You know.


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[Assistant] Meow, meow, meow, meow. Are you touching? Meow, meow, meow, meow. People say they miss the meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I mean, female empowerment. All the way. Shows, is your murder complex.


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[Assistant] I, I tried watching an episode of it and I'm like, good Christ, this is dry.


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[Assistant] But I like that. Which is wild cause it's the pilot. I know. It's supposed to really suck ya. It's supposed to bang, yea.


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[Assistant] See, I don't think you'd look bad if all of your mouth looked like that little one. What are you talking about? I think that'd be a pretty cool look. I think a lot of rappers are doing that now. Just actually, I am seeing that some body mod modification where they're just sharpening all their teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, I mean, my worst fear is another knee injury. Cause that's the type of, like, I know that pain very well. Like, so much where, like, I can't watch people jump.


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[Assistant] It was a whole thing, so now I can't watch people jump on trampolines without like, wincing every time they jump? And when I have to like, drop from a ledge?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where it's like, oh yea, hey, just drop this like one foot, like jump from this thing to like one foot distance, like that scares the shit out of me. Fuck that. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking, fuck it up again.


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[Assistant] But actually you know what reminds me in seeing your veneer pop out is my own dental update.


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[Assistant] Because, well, I mean, the last time I was gonna take, I was gonna take care of my, and I was gonna do the whole fucking thing. I was gonna do a full teeth cleaning. Tell me what you were gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean pro- I probably had some baby teeth. Probably when I got my last x-ray in. I mean that's kid shit though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay. Dental X raises kid shit. No it's not. I'm an adult.


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[Assistant] Wait, what? You're supposed to get x-rays every year? No, you're supposed to get cleanings every year.


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[Assistant] See, but they say I have really good salivary glands.


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[Assistant] You salivate so much that it kind of protects it a little.


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[Assistant] It's starting to feel hot. It feels hot in my mouth right now. Like that means infection, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. And so I, that was the last time I had it cleaned and that was maybe three years ago. And I was like, it's too long.


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[Assistant] My teeth are gross, my teeth are, you know, off, not, they're not white. No. So I was going to, I finally was proud of myself. I took care of it. I was like, I'm scheduling a full teeth cleaning. I'm scheduling a two part tooth whitening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we were all really surprised I had no cavities and they're like, that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm shocked I don't have cavities. Yeah, your mouth is disgusting. I know. And my numbers, like, they're getting close to the border, where it's just like, well, is it good to have a one or is it good to have a four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I drink, I, I, like, I, I use coffee as a meal replacement sometimes too. So it's like everything I'm doing to my, yeah, I'm, I'm doing the opposite. I'm blackening my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked it. But here's the thing though, like I'm super conscious about not having anyone absorb that secondhand taste from my mouth, so if I'm hanging out with anyone, like if I'm going on a date, I just like don't smoke that date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, I just hit the off button until Monday morning and then I turn the on button back on and I take care of myself again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, straight to coffee, sometimes food, straight to food. Straight to food, and you haven't brushed yet. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To tell you the truth, it's all kind of a blur, cause I've been in the stock game. So I'm like trying to like pick up on all these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, you sound, you sound and look so good. And I mean, I remember my biggest thought after hearing about this is, oh, I hope he's gonna stop sending me videos of people dying.