[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who like to fuck with people would be like, oh look, there's a sensitive, traumatized person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much. But I never did that. I think you would really actually harass an R.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has this fundraising page, uhm, she's trying to raise money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually for her teeth of all things. Uhm, and she wants to fix them. Uhm, and so we had a call set up with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, back and forth exchange. We're going to call at this time. I remember. And then we called when we said we would call. I think we were five minutes late maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you're not going to believe it. She never answered. They called like five times. It was on the show. So anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we're gonna try again. So we'll see if we can get them. It's Kirsten or Kirsten? Kirsten. Kirsten. Alright, let's try that first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It is. I just wanted to, I wanted to get the story, you know? And also, you know, I mean I was going to offer to help out, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, we can, I mean, we'll see. We'll, we can still follow up. We'll try to follow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night it occurred to me to, I was like, I should just record. And I didn't. You know, because I was trying to fall, I was tired. God! What is going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is unlike I've ever heard before. Yeah, super intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious. It's wild. I tried to let it go. I had to wake you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When? Last night I woke up three times. You did? Yes! I couldn't even s- I was like, as long as I fall asleep, maybe I'll be alright. I couldn't fall asleep. You were just like, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I see what you mean. I mean, I also... If you're gonna cough. If you're gonna cough, leave the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's annoying is when it's the, like last night, the second and third time are annoying cause you just, you want, you want it to stop and you're like, it's continuing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I didn't, I mean, I was just like, yeaah, I was like, god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if it doesn't come off, you know, it was meant to be, you just gotta go with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wouldn't do it. You really don't want to hear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clearly, his kids are, you know, step kids or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually has like the, a very interesting look, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't touch this. Wanna reach out and touch somebody? I think it's his version of snapping back at, um, trolls and haters. That's what I think is going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's talking shit. Like, I think people are like, uhm, fucking with him, insulting him, and then he's like, oh guess what, can't touch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's this old song. It's a song to reference from like 87, 88. It's very good. It's what you wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I'm not thinking of Coolio. I know he just died. I was thinking of somebody from a few years ago that died. But there's a lot of people. But I'm glad. You're right. He is in that. Dan Marino's in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave him 300 grand for that. And you know, they gave him, they gave him the script, he agreed to do it, but only if he could rewrite a bunch of scenes and yeah, make it his, more his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just saw that interview. He seems really in touch with spiritual, you know, like awareness and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had that interview recently where he was like, Oh, I just realized that I am, you know, everyone wonders if they're enough. And he's like, I am enough. And I, you know, it's like a very.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Profound place to be in, like, statement for somebody that's so iconic. He was like, you know, I don't need to be more than what I am. Was essentially what he said in this interview. I've done enough. There it is. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a brilliant guy. I remember too, you'd watch him live in color and it was just like, it was such a great show and it's so many fucking killers. And then Jim Carrey was the standalone white guy. Spirit to Milo. Spirit to Milo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, Hey, I'm trying to do this thing. Can you reach out to him? And then he sent me a screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But whatever, I, I stand in awe of David Allen. You know what Doug said to me one time, I worked


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, and his comedic shops are. Bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really is uhm, as far as a talent, as far as like underrated. Oh yeaah. This guy is like a really, really talented guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he can do it all. Same with Jamie Foxx. Oh my god. Jamie Foxx is a- Who is also a living god. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's playing Tyson in the new Tyson biopic. I'm sure he nails every...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Impression too. His impressions are so insanely good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the first time you see him play piano and sing, your brain just goes, well, I'm sure this is what he's the best at doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the fact that like you can also do the other things. You're like, get the fuck out of here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually, yeah, and if you can do stand up and really actually act, right there, you're already, and you add music to that too? It's fucking crazy. He would do his stand up, if you've ever seen him do stand up specials, he'd do stand up and then like there's a piano out there and then he just starts like jamming on the piano and you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I like something that's more instrumental for writing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the darker the better. So like, yeah, usually like musical scores, uhm, or, or classical music. But I can't write to it if I'm hearing lyrics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what he's upset about, but I do like the message. I like that he's basically...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Preferably binoculars or something like that. I don't want to be that close. But I'd like to see his whereabouts, what he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How he operates, where he gets his meals, what kind of shit he's into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like it. I mean, that's, it sounds like it. I dunno. We really should dig deeper into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was actually sent to me by a friend. So yea, they're like, check this fucking guy out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super intense. I respect the shit out of it. This dude also, it's like, I feel like he barely eats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, something like that, but he shows up with like his, his meal, you know, wrapped up and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't like to put it in the fridge because other people put their shit in the fridge and it's like, I don't want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, uh, I think I said something like, I'm just trying to lose weight or something. He's like, do what I do. I eat one apple a day. And I was like, and then what? He was like, that's it. One apple every day. That's all I eat. That's all you need. It was like one apple a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Small waist. Yeah. He was lean. Tiny. He was like 60.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you continue to curate, you're just not having your work displayed. Is that what it feels like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. Let's get, let's get into it. You ready? All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right away your mind goes to the fact that you know that she's been doing this for like 40 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've chewed on finger skin for years. Yea, that's delectable. It's a tough habit to break. But I've done pretty well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shoe. I mean, it's also your, your peeling, your peeling dead skin off of your foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a nervous tick. I mean, this is clearly, she's, she's reading as, as, that's the thing is that she's actually distracted. So she does it. You can tell it's like her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nervous thing that she probably has done. I think probably since she was a kid. It's fucking right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens there is that when she goes back, she's going for a bigger piece, and she peels that piece off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever stick that thumb right there in the crease right by your balls and you go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't smell that. If I've, if I've not worn deodorant, I'll go like that and I'll smell and I'll be like, Jesus. But that's like a check. You gotta do that. That's a check, but you're also kind of like seeing what the status is. You're like, that's fucking, you know, few days where you're like that, I really need to get in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but anything that like, if, uh, if I left a shirt that I had sweat in, I'll see it like, you know, I'll be like, oh, that's bad, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most, above all, is balls. That's what I, you know. That's your jam. I always go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She scratches and peels. This is a totally different story. She's literally doing the, you know, this, like, but on her foot. On her foot, yea. I wouldn't eat that skin. Maybe there's like, there's some case to be made that this, everybody sees, so that's gross, cause they see your damaged paws, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, it's not all gonna be like, you know, some of it's gonna be somewhere else sometimes, so you gotta clean the area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're definitely not getting it all with just dry paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause they sell them at the airport, uh, like, kiosks. I had this revelation. They sell them in thin packs, cause they don't sell them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if, I know, but if you, if you pick his TikTok, does that, you know, whatever it says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A six year old fart? That he really took care of? Fart 2016 is all it said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the fart, that's the one there. I think he's only got that one fart. That's pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I don't like it. Into the puddles? I don't like it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's upsetting. I feel like, go fucking change now. You got a whole fucking- You close this room, it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And throwing yourself, I mean hit by a car is a beautiful thing, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well one time she had food there that she'd made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just being like, night, I was like, damn, you know, smells good sunshine. And she was like, I make for you sometime. And I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he felt fucking like 20 something. That is one of those, if he does that, you know, if you put that up like a hundred times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ninety-nine times something is fucking destroyed on that guy. It's gotta be. And this is like that, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like 20, that's over 20 feet I think. Maybe 20. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least 16 feet up. Fuck, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, now he's hitting yeaah. I think we're talking up close to 20 feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the, the advantage he has is that his knees are fully bent and so they pick like that absorption that his butt hits. So maybe it's just like the combination of exactly how his body was. Yeah, he didn't like try to land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so gross, but don't- I know. We all talked about how we do our own, so I get it, but it's fucking- to see it, that was fucking gnarly. He's gnarly as shit, too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, discrimination is like, you're not allowed into this store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're not allowed to do things that everybody, but I'm, I don't want to date you. That's not discrimination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want a woman with a shaved head, then you're discriminating. It's like, what? I'm not attracted to it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Don't care. Well, it's pretty discriminatory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how this person is actually giving you a pitch on why you should like dicks. Like, it's cool. That's the sales pitch. You should consider a dick in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, but still, like, it was a biological veil, and you can be like, yeaah, but that's just, that in and of itself is too unappealing. I mean, you should be allowed to say that. Some people doesn't affect them, and they should be allowed to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like as far as what you're attracted to, the fact that anybody else would chime in on any part of you being attracted or not attracted to something, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's fine. I mean, usually people are just allowed to say like, oh, you know, if someone could say like, I like dating black women or I date Asian women or I like blondes. And that's supposed to be fine for someone to state their preferences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And if you go on that end of that, I mean, are you discriminating or are you just like, this is just what I'm attracted to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. And he just stares and then he upload, he hit upload.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then that thing clamps down on you, and he's like, Leonard! Stop!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fucking insane. It's INSANE that people are doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look at the fucking size of that. Imagine you walk into that house. He's like, come watch the game. Like, look how he's chilling on his couch. And you open, you see that and you're just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a monster. That's a monster right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like that it's, it's for sure like a friend's mom. You know, it has, it has like real mom vibes. Yeaah. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's actually showing you that she's handy, like knows how to prepare for whatever the storm coming. And she has on overalls and nothing underneath and her big fake tits are popping out of the side. And her handle is big TT Maggie, big titty Maggie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, she's putting out her, you know, her tid energy. Big tid energy, big fake, big fake tid energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because like, work denim is also rougher. It's not soft denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know the uh, psychological origin of that. I guess that's always a fascinating thing to learn. Like what is, cause you know, what is it? Cause for men it feels like it gets discussed more, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just taking a dose of things and he stays empty and unfulfilled and eventually is usually alone. Right? This is like a different, it's kind of a different vibe but it's also because most women


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a natural path, as do most men, which is as you age, you kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this other lane, I don't have it prepped, but I'll tell you there's another lane that I've been sending to Zola to prep for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's directors hoing, we're like, I'm a hoe, here's photos of me. But a funnier thing to me is to be like, I like yard work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you know, or the best is like somebody who defends her. Hey man, Maggie's like, Maggie's showing us how to paint, you know? And you're like, okay buddy, sure. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no. Congratulations, Maggie, on your great big ol' test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for sure the neighbors know. Oh. Which is hilarious. That's kind of the funniest thing of all. It was like, did you see Maggie today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. I said I love you. I love you too. Thank you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, uh, they were split, like, because normal Ireland isn't part of the UK, but Northern Ireland is, and they're like all mad about it and stuff. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, seriously? Awww, James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Segura, I accept your challenge. I'll come to Austin, but you better bring an umbrella, because I'm gonna make it ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. But it's also, is that like, that's the natural color? That dude's hair is that black? Is that wild?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I'm very proud and excited to announce that my newest special, Sledgehammer, is streaming right now on Netflix. Please give it a watch, share it, have a party, just watch the damn special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice. Good day!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex carnival down there, he said. Yeaah, don't they have sex carnival? Yeaah. Yeaah. This is carnival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carnaval, Brazil's annual Brazilian festival held the Friday afternoon before Ash Wednesday at noon marks the beginning of Lent. Not really a sex event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, it's very festive, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are, and it's a very sexual place. I mean, Brazil is very open with bodies and you know, they eat pussy really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's celebrat- like the body is celebrated there. They lay out at the beach and they're always in thongs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think some of it is that, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're a beach culture, right? Not everybody in Brazil lives at the beach, but I'm saying you associate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you think about Brazil, a lot of people think about the beach and uhm, it's a warm climate. People are not wearing a lot of clothes for a lot of the year. Uhm, and they're just open with that. I mean, they're just, they don't shy away from it. They kind of embrace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The human body and their Latin flavors are, you know, shake your ass and let me eat your pussy out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miyami is a definitely horny state, but what do the two right off the bat have in common? Warm climates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the UK which shag their way onto the global charts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's this list outside of the UK? This is just a UK list. Okay, number one, Rio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel kink vibes. Santiago is a real straight lace. In Chile, it's really like straight lace for, for Latin people. Prague also, I didn't feel that vibe. Judork titties. Yeah, that's a, that's a sexy town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morning Sydney. There's hot San Juan, Puerto Rico number 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is the- this is just- it says sexual activity? Like, what does this mean? Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much they, okay, so this is just people going, yeaah. We fuck, like, based on this one poll, and then they go, here's your list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but what you get I think in Paris is you get the idea that like, uhm, people are very comfortable with sex, right? Yeah, I like that. So that makes it like, you know, a naked body is like it's a human body, you know. It's just the body, it's the billboard of a woman, big T. You see her breasts, why is this elicited reaction from you, I don't know why, it's natural, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know, my special sledgehammer is available now on Netflix. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, hope you enjoy it. Worked really hard on it, uhm, toward the whole goddamn planet for it. So uhm, yeaah. You know, uhm, also Netflix was very gracious in that they, uhm, they let me, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bits and they're letting me release those bits. So we're going to release those bits, um, either through their channel or mine, but those will be coming out in the next week. Some of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we also made a behind the scenes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, documentary leading up to the special, which we're going to release, I believe on my page. Is it my YouTube page? I don't know. I think so. So, uh, look for that in also in the next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did it for this country. But it's worldwide streaming, so you don't have to be American to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's what I'd like to know, is which cities this lady came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about this all the time when I see older people, someone with a full head of white hair and you go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's, that'll, I, I, I should watch my mouth in front of them or, you know, you can't bring up this topic and then you see this sweet old lady go, I shittin' somebody that made them a shit sandwich and pissed in their mouth to wash it down. You're like, fuck man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should have, well they have life experience. Yea, because you think of grandma and grandpa, and they're just like, do you want some ice cream? You know, not like, you know one time I blew four guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, the industry, the travel industry, really should be accommodating four to six hundred pound people more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, and then the other part, being removed from your home. Well, no one took you on vacation, right? You're taking yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're volunteering to go on a vacation and maybe you should just save up to, uh, you know, to have a forklift come by and take you to where you need to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, sometimes we say things and we give our opinion and you know, we're comedians, sometimes we try to do a funny take, sometimes we do a more real opinionated take on this. I have never seen virtually 100% of people who reply go, yea, I'm completely on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that people like her are, are taking zero accountability and just blaming, you know, companies, corporations for not taking into consideration


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come there aren't signs here in Farsi, by the way? Cause every once in a while, somebody Persian comes over, and what are they supposed to do? Learn English? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she doesn't seem... I mean, I can't see her whole body. I'm curious, like, you know what I mean? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's overweight, but I'm saying that, you know, how big is she where they're like, you have to fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That part of the world's a little different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's considered one of the, the leading, um, like nice airlines, you know, like the Qatar's up there with like Emirates, Singapore, uh, Cafe Pacific, like those are, it's one of the really nice airlines of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what needs to absolutely be the worldwide policy. Cathay Pacific too, you get on and you're like, Jesus Christ. And then they're like, I'm just here for your viewing pleasure. And then they give you a towel and they're like, no gross attendance here. No gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fourth flight today. I'm fucking tired. I'll come back, get you guys a drink later. And you're like, God damn. It's fucking so depressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sassy ass broad. Fuck a two piece in the front next to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you haven't heard, huh? It's Smooth Sack Summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're playing in the summer sun, make sure you're scaped from pubes to bum. That's right, this is the summer to keep your balls cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While still looking hot with Manscape. The leaders in below the waist grooming are making sure we all have a ball this summer by giving our pants partners everything they need to stay fresh. Dive headfirst into smooth sack summer by going to manscape.com for 20% off plus free shipping with our code


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, I mean I am somebody who grows hair everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every time I smooth it out, I feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look better, I look bigger, I probably smell better, and there's a higher probability that there's a mouth going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where we all want one to live. The Manscaped Performance Package 4.0 has everything you need to prepare that summer bod.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have built the ultimate grooming bundle for your summer grooming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Including their Lawn Mower 4.0 Trimmer, the Weed Whacker Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer, Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant, Crop Reviver Tone, Performance Boxer Briefs, and a Travel Bag to hold all your goodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. It's Smooth Sack Summer, boys. Get on board or get left behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bird dogs make you look good. Bird dogs stretch khaki shorts are designed to fit slimmer through the leg and thigh, giving you a more sculpted look. Bird dog shorts do the exact same thing as Lululemon, but fit way better. They'll fit better than regular shorts that are made of stiff, restricting cotton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bird dogs fix this issue by inventing cloud-knit fabric. It looks just like khaki but stretches to give you a slimmer fit without having to sacrifice movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bird Dogs uses anti-stink, sweat-wicking fabric that keeps you cool and dry all day long. I love my Bird Dog shorts. Why? Because they fit great, they look great. You can wear them to go to the store, you can use them for workouts, and they are the absolute best looking shorts you can have on. They give you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A feel and a look that accentuates your quads, your glutes. You'll be happy that you have them on. You'll start getting compliments about your shorts. How often does that happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to birddogs.com slash mom for a free Yeti-style Tumblr. That's birddogs.com slash mom for a free Yeti-style Tumblr with your order. You won't want to take your bird dogs off, we promise you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, like, the craziest thing about these fat travelers though. Sure, go ahead, Tom. No, it's just the, like, it's just the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The illusion, like the total denial of what's going on is what's crazy. Like I'm not trying to like really like lay on them, you know, like give them a hard time about this. I'm giving them a hard time about the fact they're complaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? That's what's crazy. It's not like, we're all built different ways, everybody, I get it, like we're all, they're short, fat, tall, I'm bald, like everybody has flaws and all this shit, but it's like, you being like, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come? You know why you're having to buy another seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? Well, you know why they're not making thousand pound reinforced toilets forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's not necessary. But what's necessary is that you'd fucking drop a couple hundred bills. Like that's what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, I understand. And I think it's, I understand a lot of people this size and, you know, if you want to travel, I think you should be of course entitled to travel, but you shouldn't be like, man, these, these airlines are fucking wild with their requirements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's fucked up is not giving her a refund for the ticket she has. That is fucked up. That is fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's insane. It looks like a tarp I've seen at the hangar where I go, uh, I fly aircraft that have covers like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the problem is what people do in those situations is they go- Why? No, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I did, I did. I was really proud of myself for being honest. For not lying. I had a little, I had a little hissy fit in the airport. Do you know that they have uhm, they have weight limits for international?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luggage? No. Yeaah. The commercial airlines do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what? It's fucking heavy. And they were like, no, it's gotta be under, they did it in kilos, but I think it worked out to like 70 pounds. And I had a big ass bag and I was like, so something has to come out of it and I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I took, you know, like a shirt out, cause it was just over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it was like 70 and she was like, okay. And I was like, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I was like, you need to accommodate me and my fat friends. This is bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, one of the things I'm doing to celebrate the release


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I'm very excited about. Like I said, I went on a big long tour. Worked very hard on it. I'm very happy that it's out. Is that I have signed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm hoping to get through the program quickly and get, uh, my motorcycle that you have been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime that something joyful enters my life, you go, I'd like this to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My best friend rides a motorcycle. How am I supposed to hang out with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He asked me to ride a motorcycle with him. Listen. From Alaska down to the tip of Argentine, I swear to you. He asked me to do this with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, I'll just tell him to tell me which one to get. I'm just gonna be like, which one should I get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Come on, man. I'll wear a helmet. I'm not a jackass.


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[Assistant] It really changed my day today, honestly. I'm serious. First thing this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little guy woke me up again. I couldn't go back to sleep. So I was like, I got into that fucking 39 degree tub and I just was like,


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[Assistant] Fully, fully dunked in, head under, that, there's no cup of coffee.


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[Assistant] I think maybe. Should I see if JJ tells me what kind to get? Sure.


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[Assistant] Women change their looks. They just like show up with whole new looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Do you want to do uhm, to get certified to be uh, skydivers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exercise. Start a journal or a memoir. Create a community. Get your pussy worshiped. Jesus, that's on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women. You're gaining or losing weight. It says, scroll up, scroll up a little bit. Women deal with midlife crisis differently. So let's punch in there a little bit, make that bigger. Midlife crisis are common for both men and women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have been doing that a lot quite a- and honestly, and you're traveling to go to shows. You don't just go like, what's in town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would I be, who would someone who doesn't like goth music still be impressed by? The cure. The cure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in LA, briefly, for Bartrand's premiere, I was driving by the Hollywood Bowl, and I think The Cure were there. Yeah, they're a fucking amazing band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for coming and I appreciate you guys. We'll see you next week. Oh my god. Well listen, this is a pretty unique thing. Uhm, as you know with our crazy travel and tour schedule, a lot of times we have to record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We came in today just for one thing only. We came in because we had to record.


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[Assistant] It was the game. The game of the century, some people are saying. Uhm, it was between our very own


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are playing it, and we're playing with stakes. And as you know, there were real stakes involved in the game last night. The game was played to 11, I played to 21. We'll get to that later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But these guys played to 11, looked like they were gonna die, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the stakes, if you don't know. The stakes were this. If Ryan were to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we would go and because everybody knows that any shits as often as you have your period, which is about once a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how often he shits. We've always been fascinated by this. The audience has been fascinated by this. He agreed that we could do a scan, like a MRI of his guts. And then we would take him to a place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they would clean them out. They would do like a colonics treatment where they suck all the shit out of them. And we would have a party at that place. We would sit there and we would eat chips and salsa and drink as he had his butthole cleaned out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, and that was very, that's a very exciting prospect for us. And then if anywhere to win the game, then he would get hair transplants, uhm, and a trip to Vegas where Ryan Hall, who is, and his boss, would be his assistant on that trip.


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[Assistant] Now, if you wanna know who won the game, uh, I think we should reveal that and then get into the details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, it's my guy right there, uhm.


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[Assistant] Great student of the game. Uhm, I gotta tell you, I mean, it was, I was honestly fired up at this thing. Like there's, part of this was just like, you know, we're having fun, it's loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys at the office playing basketball. This was like a whole fun thing to get involved in. It was, I think, great for everybody. Everybody at the office was super stoked about this. Uhm, you can watch the uh, the recap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of it on YouTube. We have a standalone video recapping the whole thing, but we were all jazzed about this. The one thing I gotta tell you, man,


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[Assistant] I gotta give you a lot of credit. I was even talking to Ryan about this, you know, Ryan,


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[Assistant] He had more of a basketball background, like he played basketball in school and pick up games. He was like, basketball is more in his DNA. And he goes into this thing and I met the guy that he'd been working with, uhm, a coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh, I was watching any warm up and I was like, man, he's hitting jumpers. Like he didn't play basketball. This is crazy, right? And I go up to that guy and he goes, yeah. He goes, I got a call from this dude. And then he, he shows up and he goes, uh, Hey, um, I don't like basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't play basketball, but I have to beat this guy at one on one, so what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From time to time. I was telling Ryan's lovely lady last night, before the game, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? I go, guys need to do this every once in a while. I can't speak for women. I'm transitioning, but I'm not there yet. You look great. I go, men, we need this every once in a while. And she goes, really? I go, yeah, it's good for, here's what, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to do, when I did the Sober October, uh, stuff, you know, for a few years, that was Joe Rogan, Ari Shafir, Bert, and me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was the same kind of thing where it's loose, it's silly, it's fun, but there is this line of like, we're competing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it does something to you. It brings like, it brings out something that's usually kind of tucked away. Unless you're in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you're an athlete for a living, you don't have to approach every day this way, right? Like I gotta win. But when you're doing it amongst friends, people you know and care about, that's one of the key factors is doing it with a friend group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, it brings out something in you that I think provides a little spark. It kind of sees what's inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why I, I was like, I heard him at the beginning when this thing started. I'm not going to lose. I can't all this crazy any talk, you know, cause he was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I thought that, I thought it was, it was fucking crazy.


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[Assistant] And I, and I appreciate that mindset. That mindset is- Right, that's how it started I'm saying. That's how it started, but see that mindset can get you through, you gotta run up this hill. That, that, that, that can do that. You gotta do a hundred pushups. Cause it's, it's grind mindset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To win at basketball, you can have that mindset, but you have to have, you gotta work at the skill set. Talking about practice. It's not enough. Not the game. Not, not, not, not the game. You gotta do it with the actual, and so that's where I give them a lot of credit because you really have to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you actually have to put the time in, and that's what he did, and that's what I want to get. And I also told you this last night afterwards, I really do think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're like, oh, I'm looking forward to fucking laying around and like eating out of the trash again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm telling you, I really think somebody like you needs to find their next challenge. And it doesn't have to be beating someone, it can be, but it should be something that I think, and we can work on it here at the office if you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something that somebody goes, I don't think you can do this, and I think you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except the ones that excite you to do them, because it's good for you. It brings out something in you. You've been healthier than the- you've been the entire time I've known you. Your eyes look so clear. I mean, and like, right now, you know, it's temporary, but that hair's about to be real, man. Yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I think we should bring in, uh, your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your com- your worthy competitor and also your boss, Ryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it was, it was an exciting event. Uhm, you guys, you guys both, I want to, I want to tell you this. You know how lucky you motherfuckers are that you played to 11?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, we did to 21. It was fucking exhausting. Uhm, but it was super exciting to, to watch. Did you, what going into this, yes, yesterday when you got there, did you, how did you feel? Did you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will, I will tell you this. I uhm, you know, I was not the person working day to day with any. Obviously, he worked with that. I want to give him credit. What's the guy's name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His defense. His defense of you. I go that is, you're gonna win this game by playing defense. And I suggested to him, I was like, you should be all over, like, you should smother the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and that's, that's what I thought the key component of the game was. We, we, we covered it and, you know, he did and obviously, yeaah, I mean there was some, there was some things that just didn't, that was weird that we should have worked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he did? He was so proud of that. He was, well, he got me so good. Because in the, in the, in the weatherman, you know, David Walter recap video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a joke, I go, that ref's so unethical. He gave me, he gave me a high five during the game. And he goes, one time I went like this. And it was just, it's a, it's a joke, right? He goes, hey, I got a little bone to pick with you. When I got there, cause he was that ref too. I go, what? He goes, you remember your little quip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any more high school games this year? I took a lot of money out of my pocket.


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[Assistant] Uhm, nah, but it was, look, overall, you know, I congratulate Annie, I congratulate you for being, uh, I know nobody wants to lose the game, but you were a great opponent, and I do think this, Ryan, I think it was good for all of us here, I think as a team, it was a fun thing for all of us to be involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was super impressive. I'm telling you, it was super, you did not, nobody who has ever been around and played basketball would think that you've been playing basketball, like playing for two months. Nobody. Yeah, it was very impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before you. And then I was like, oh, he's tired, you're not. And then, literally a minute later, I was like, oh, and he's tired as fuck too. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just, I saw it in him, and then I saw it in you. And I was like, oh, they're both fucking exhausted. Yeah, I was out. I was out. I'll talk to you about, uhm, some of my hair connections. Please. And we can set that up. And then, uhm, you know, I guess you guys will report to us on when you work out your Vegas trip together. Here's one thing though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we are back. Hope that made you feel comfortable. And uhm, you can see our next guest, uh, on the Adam Friedland show. You can also get tickets to see him at adamfriedland.com. He'll be in Nashville, Tennessee, July 14th and 15th. It's Adam Friedland everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tap, I will say this, the tap is even bold. You tapped her shoulder. I think that's- I tapped her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the old timey filmmakers say they're making a picture. Scorsese says that. Cause they're moving pictures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll confess, I had the, uhm, I was at a party with Larry David and I was walking by him and doing the planning phase and a couple times I went like, and then I was like, that's not a good one, and then eventually he just left this party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would have been really amazing if you fucking rode the elevator with Mark Scorsese and you're like, oh, the boats are nice. He's like, do you want to go out on my boat tomorrow? Yeah, I would love to. I would love to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so, but like, you go to Northern Italy, and it's all blonde-haired, blue-eyed, Swiss people, basically. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Which is the best part of Italy. That's true. So, uhm, this is kind of, I don't know, do you think this is racist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like that he said, it's not an ethnic slur, I'm just saying that you guys don't like paying full price and that's what I'm trying to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, these uh, these interest rates don't affect you guys. Not at all. Not at all. No. Uhm, Nadav, uhm, you never told me you had zero interest loans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, if you're listening, there's a horse that's having a great time with its caretaker, uh, uh, cleaning its underside. Making it clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, you know, you have to tell people, if you watch Mr. Hands, which you should, if you haven't seen it, if you haven't seen it, go to Mr. Hands. Just know that in that video, he doesn't die after that video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He died when he went back and that horse wasn't available. And then he went to another horse that was nicknamed Big Dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That horse perforated his colon and he died from the internal bleeding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a beautiful, the first one that is, it is actually really special. Have you not seen it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, those dudes really are the, they don't get credit for, I think, cause those sports are less popular. Those are the craziest athletes. They're the guys that do that shit. Those are the wildest dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so crazy. When Hawk said he, you know, he broke his femur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, how is being a skateboarder the same as driving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it for the show. Do it for the Adam Friedman show, yeaah. Uhm, very funny, by the way, that you, you do a very unique show. Like, it's unlike other people's. No, it's like, I think there's almost no


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's new, like something that's starting, everybody's just like, it's me and my friends and we just hang out and you're like, Jesus, you can't like do that. We did that for seven years. I know, but like to do something new, it's like, it's very cool. If you haven't checked out the Adam Friedland show, check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, I mean, I'm always saying this because you guys, you know, do your own version of it. Do you feel like that we'll see, uh, a shift in the way talk shows are done at some point? Like, doesn't it feel like you guys have to do something different?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's bizarre now. They're like relics. Yea. Yea. It's bizarre. They don't fit into like... Even like coming out...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wild, man. You wild, Jay. Uhm, guys that are ugly and are looking for love. Have you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is there in this one? Not in this one, there's not, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that kid was the worst. It's maybe the most prideful we feel as Americans. You watch that and you're like, take her to a better city, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also found out that that, she was, it was a bit, that, that chick was not, it wasn't real. What? So she's a liar. Yea, she's a liar. You just broke my heart. You broke my heart more. She came to my, she came to my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're struggling, there are three countries for you. There are three. Well, the hierarchy is the Philippines. Columbia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, this is, uhm, John Ca- Oh, Jesus, no. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a condom. I'm not watching this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for people listening, they put an apparatus around her mouth and then they took a used condom and slingshotted the used jizz into her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't like to just mock men, like men are bad, you know? Some of these women are trash too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that like, do you think the question was asked because if you are then you're cool? Like is that what the intention was? Yea, I think that he thought it was cool. Did you give him a yes? Like a fake? Like oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like bummers? Like white bummers? Like uhm. Like what? Like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is very funny. There is nobody funnier in talking shit and trolling than 50 Cent. And they used to be like good friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, I'll give, if you put that shit on, I'll give a hundred thousand. He's like, I'll give a million dollars if you can read one page. It's fucking so hilarious. He is, he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, would you like to show Adam your talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one time this dude, you just heard this fucking, it sounded like a cannon went off, and you jumped on the ground in the apartment, and a guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was disgusting and satisfying at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's cool. Yeah, I don't, I don't. Come on. You're supposed to do that. I do, I drive sometimes. In a car? Yeah, in a track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What was it like growing up in Vegas? Pretty boring. Didn't see, you don't seem like a Vegas guy at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's somebody that would definitely live that fantasy of being like, that was my school nurse and now I'm going to watch her dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, my Frank's kid and the other chick, they're fucking stupid and they're lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck is Ice Spice? She's a rapper. I know her name, but what does she look like? I've never seen her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spice, yea. I spice, yea. And here's the thing, no Inuit people know about this. They're not aware that this is a controversy. They probably do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well. Yeah, that's stupid. It's bizarre. He likes nice things everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, all you have done on this show is given people such great reasons to follow you on Twitter, uh, listen to your podcast, follow you on all social media, uh, watch the Adam Friedland show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy tickets to see Adam at adamfreeland.com. Slash tour. Slash tour. And don't forget, uh, Nashville, July 14th and 15th. Are you at Zany's? I'm at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I went by there, I heard da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da


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[Assistant] Black guys love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at $23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Get free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, wanna come move in? A friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss off, you beat me. I'm a home man now. You see me, wanna come over today and try it out? Try it out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're in my building, try it out. If you wanna fuck a piss on me, try it out. Seriously, plight only. Let's fuck, man. I'm looking for hardcore guys that mean it, wanna do it, and I wanna deliver it. I'm a hot fuck, like trash. Come on, let's fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just gotta, yeaah, you have to, you need to be talking and thinking and dreaming and it, it, it's how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, yeah, what a fucking baller. So, ugh, I'm just gonna give away too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, for example, some women will be like, I love doggy style, it's my favorite position. I just take a deep breath and be like, not anymore. And then other women, they'll just nope out.


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[Assistant] I like it. They're yummy. That's okay. And I've talked about this before on other podcasts, but


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[Assistant] If I feel a booger, I simply grab it, I examine it, and I decide, hey, what's the best? And usually it's just put it in your mouth and get rid of the problem. Is it the taste or the consistency at this point? I don't even know if I like love it, it's just so easy.


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[Assistant] No, just like she's an angel. Ohhhh. You know?


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[Assistant] I took your breath away. I really took your breath away. I took your breath away. I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good.


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[Assistant] So this is one of the ice machines that makes that ice, that nugget ice that everyone loves chewing, also referred to as good ice.


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[Assistant] So pretty much a little bit of context, they gotta complain, a lady got an ice water, and when the ice melted, the water turned brown.


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[Assistant] Oh no. So I started taking it apart and yes I found it pretty dirty.


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[Assistant] It probably hadn't been cleaned in a very long time, but I ran into something that really, really blew my mind.


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[Assistant] So pretty much I started flushing out the water that was being used for ice and this was it. It was so, so dirty. So I pretty much just kept flushing it and flushing it and stuff kept coming out. So the first thing I thought was when was the last time they replaced their water filters?


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[Assistant] You know what I was thinking about is that the two of them are fairly equal when you, when you think about Eni's lack of preparation, right? He's, he's not doing anything. He's going on chutzpah and youth alone.


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[Assistant] He's such a saint. He's gonna be sated when he dies.


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[Assistant] Weird thing. It's like, it's like when you have to tell people you're a loving person. It's like our guy from the last episode, Humans of New York.


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[Assistant] Canada! I can't fucking wait, bro. Toronto, September 7th, September 8th in Jisenpeg, Canada.


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[Assistant] Horonto and Jizz-A-Peg and then Comedy Vets Downtown September 14th, 15th and 16th.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and then also I'm going back to Chart Lake Titties Hootah in October.


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[Assistant] That'll be up by the time. There you go. So thank you so much. Tickets are going really fast for Toronto. So get them. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's not that crazy. She sounded drunk by the way.


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[Assistant] Mark Wahlberg is known for his workout vids on the gram. He's always, he, but he takes Sunday as off the Lord's day. He said he does.


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[Assistant] How's the pit stop? You guys hung out a little bit in Europe, did he fly out to meet you?


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[Assistant] Very amazed. This is a fantastic, a tremendous hour. I've watched you perform it and grow it and it's gonna be pretty great. It is. I'm so stoked for you, homie.


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[Assistant] You came home from your tour, what did I do to honor your service?


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[Assistant] Like soldier, I guess? Like you have to be like a lieutenant or something at this point because you're kind of old, right?


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[Assistant] Do you know that people are really, like I have people DMing me that are like friends of the show and they're like, is Tana really into this VR thing? I'm like, yeah.


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[Assistant] Okay. That's like the first thing you did when you came home by the way, like he hasn't seen his wife and children in 40 days. And then he comes home and the first thing he does is lock himself in his office and put on those goggles. It was really funny.


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[Assistant] Usually you have a rapport with your regular customers and they should be nicer to you and they should tip you better.


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[Assistant] So first of all, we, we trailed off on the, uh, the CAP report. We were gonna do that. We did? Oh sorry, the CAP report. How dare you forget. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And he's got a whole list of new things that he considers CAP.


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[Assistant] You know why? Because, first of all, I've had sex with many heterosexual men.


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[Assistant] And they get it up. Guys like to fuck. And the only ones that don't?


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[Assistant] A drug use maybe like prolonged heroin.


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[Assistant] No, I'm serious, if you don't use your meow. Lesbians? Definitely.


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[Assistant] But, this is interesting, this just goes, a lot of women...


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[Assistant] Switch, right? Sexuality's on the spectrum, and yeaah. They'll become lesbians. True story.


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[Assistant] I'm hoping, that's the other thing, I'm not anti getting sucked off.


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[Assistant] Like, I'm shook, dude. It takes a lot.


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[Assistant] I know, I've always said that. That would be my business. If I never got married and had children, I'd be a dominatrix. But the kind of- you never have to actually touch a guy. You're just like, make me a video, pig. Give me money, pig.


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[Assistant] I mean, cause here's the deal, man, is that when you're in 7th and 8th grade, boys do this for you. And you learn, like, you don't want to humiliate them, but you're just like,


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[Assistant] And also the desperation, like he's so, he just like is leaking neediness. And it's so unattractive.


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[Assistant] Yep. Yeah, yeah, I agree. It's completely unhealthy. Whoever gets with this dude.


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[Assistant] It's always the weekend too, like he's just got simple needs. He just wants to get faded and party on the weekends.


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[Assistant] Oh, and that's why they're obsessed with him, cause he's fucking nasty fat shows. I think he's fucking everybody. Who's obsessed?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I mean, he's disciplined, clearly. The guy enjoys a life of discipline.


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[Assistant] So his name is Rex and he's into dogs. I never would have guessed. We thought Eric was his name and that he worked at Whole Foods or had something to do with Whole Foods.


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[Assistant] Try, will you try this on top of having sex with a man? If he's cute. Will you sharpen your knife?


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[Assistant] That's, that's more normal than you think. A lot of people, but you just never brush your teeth at all.


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[Assistant] You've referred to people with a capacity for pregnancy. Would that be women?


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[Assistant] So this isn't really a women's rights issue, it's a, it's a what?


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[Assistant] So this isn't really a women's rights issue, it's a...


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[Assistant] Nice job wearing all black. Your sneakers, I could see ten freaking miles away.


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[Assistant] You're lucky I'm only me. I'm serious. I've got magnification powers.


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[Assistant] The likes of which you would not believe.


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[Assistant] What does that mean to you to hear those sort of like long, long lasting fandoms?


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[Assistant] I had no idea. I'm so excited though. Available every Thursday wherever you get podcasts.


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[Assistant] I saw this woman break up a 30 year marriage because she said her husband cheated on her.


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[Assistant] She has kids, a house, she destroyed everything because her husband stepped out.


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[Assistant] Tonight is the night. It is YMH Live. Get your tickets right now. Livestream.YMHStudios.com. We got Danny Brown, Tim Dillon, incredible content we shot, a super heavy segment, and a whole lot more. Get your tickets right now. You can watch for a whole week and a half.


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[Assistant] Welcome back to another episode of Your Mom's House. As always, my lovely co-host is with me, Christina P.


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[Assistant] I'm looking forward to all your chiming in this episode. Alright? It's a nice sweater. You're welcome. Alright. Also,


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[Assistant] Coming back to the show, uh, we're always excited to see the very funny and the very talented Johnny Pemberton, everybody. He's here. He's here. Hey, it's me.


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[Assistant] Hey, Tom. What's up, Johnny? Uhm, great to be here.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. It's from one of her favorite designers. What's the name? What's the...


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[Assistant] Uhm, before I go any further, I want to point out that you can see Johnny performing his solo show at the Elysian Theater July 20th. Uh, July 23rd, he'll be at Croc, the Crocodile. The Crocodile. In Seattle. And July 24th, Helium in Portland.


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[Assistant] Uh, those are, that's exciting to me, fun stuff. Hell yeaah, very fun. Uh, Helium's, that's a great club.


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[Assistant] They're well run, well designed. They look like clean and efficient. And uhm, yeaah, they do a good job, man.


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[Assistant] When helium was started and then I would, I'd be working, you know, other chains and sometimes you're like, I feel like nobody here likes comedy. Uhm, including the audience. And then...


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[Assistant] First time I did Helium, I think it might have, it might have been like Buffalo. And I was like not knowing what to expect. And the shows were like fucking rock shows. It was amazing. They were great. They were great.


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[Assistant] Uh, yea man, it sucks when you're fucking dating a chick and then she, uh, burns the house down with her kids in it.


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[Assistant] It's a deal breaker and also, like Eve, let's say you don't break up with her.


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[Assistant] It's such like a mood killer to be out like the next time you're like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that really was. That's so wild. Yeah, my parents did not leave us alone for, I mean, I want to say we had babysitters.


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[Assistant] Thruuh, probably into, I think my older sister had to be like, in high school.


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[Assistant] It is weird, like even uhm, we got swimming lessons for the youngest, our youngest kid and Christina was like, oh I got uhm,


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[Assistant] So we teach her to come over and I go, it's a girl, right? And she's like, yeah, obviously.


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[Assistant] I remember in high school, uhm, a friend's mother said, she goes,


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[Assistant] You know, the daughter was getting tennis lessons, she goes, and I noticed the, the instructor had an erection.


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[Assistant] How do you do that? I don't know. I don't know. I was like, come on. She was like, I swear. She goes, that was it, you know.


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[Assistant] Oh, this is just, uh, we have a new kayaking group and like, okay, sure. And then you pull the kayak up on shore and you guys butt-fuck. We know how this goes. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so this guy, by the way, I'm a very big fan. Uhm, I guess. This guy right here? Yeah, so his name is Tommy Sotomayor. Uh, he's an American radio host, internet talk show host. Uh, he uses, he does YouTube videos and he's a men's rights activist. Oh, there you go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it does look like that. This is a response to a previous video about the same topic where he received a lot of hate for it. So he's, I guess, doubling down. Uhm, but I love these personalities that do videos about


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[Assistant] You know, what you should be looking for and dating advice in general.


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[Assistant] Yeah, kids can grow up to be a problem, especially someone else's kids. That's true.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, he didn't actually say to do it, but he was like, that does make sense when a lion does it.


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[Assistant] And he's like thrilled at the waterfall aspect, but then somebody couldn't convince him like, hey man, audio wise, it's not going to be the best. He's like, I don't give a shit. It's a nice waterfall.


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[Assistant] Only, how about me? Nope, but if only a dude that ain't shit was sleeping with someone who ain't got those- What?!


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[Assistant] I fucking love it. I really love how terrible that logo is on the bottom right too. That is such garbage.


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[Assistant] Those are so, those could be so rough. Actually, I think I have a very low...


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[Assistant] I had it too. For like, you know, like, hey, let's sit around and watch bad shit. I was like, I can't really do it, man.


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[Assistant] I called it, uhm, uhm, doing only meaningful sets. I was like, is this, is it meaningful? Meaning like, if you go here, are you getting truly something out of it? Cause if it's like,


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[Assistant] Fucking whack jobs, you're like, this is a point, it's just the exercise of walking up there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that could be fun. But again, like, I also want them to be doing real short sets. I don't want to watch that shit for like eight minutes. I want it to be two. It should be three. Three's the best. Three or four.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. So fucking insane. So crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeah. The wildest ones would be, I remember like doing just like some mics and some real entry level bringer shows and


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[Assistant] You'd see a guy and they're like, he's been doing this 15 years. You're like, he's been doing this 15 years? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] 30 or something. He's still doing it. Sometimes it's the same set and you're like, oh, that's why this person is crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there was a, there was a regular crew of crazies that you would see at a lot of those in LA. If you were LA, same kind of wacky dudes.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Masterworks. Masterworks is a platform that allows anyone to invest in valuable artwork. What a cool


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[Assistant] Contemporary art prices outpaced the S&P 500 total return from 1995 to 2020 by 164%.


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[Assistant] This is a market that is skyrocketing and is such a unique way to invest. Contemporary art has a price appreciation of 23% on average when inflation is above 3%.


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[Assistant] And I didn't know that one of those guys owned like that IP.


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[Assistant] And the Jimmy and Joey. So, there was like, one of them would be, was like, I created this. And he would like, swap out a Joey. He's like, she's not working with you. And he'd get a new Joey.


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[Assistant] Trying to remember. There he is, right? So the guy, yeaah, the guy on the right, it was, it's his thing. And he would, he would try different people in the other role.


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[Assistant] You'd sign up, everyone would be so nervous just trying to do well. I was so nervous too, man. I mean, I would, I would have that thing early on if we had a show tomorrow.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. I mean it faded, like. Yeaah, as time goes on what you do. And then I would book a weekend opening at the, in one of the improvs. Man, that would, all day I would just be like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Kenny writing down the order of the set, being like, is that going to work? And you know, just trying to, trying to get to that 20 minute mark and just


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, the time that I almost fucking shit was, I got booked to be the warm-up, audience warm-up, through a friend, at Last Comic Standing.


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[Assistant] Man, this is one of the, this is like, I wish I could bottle up this panic and sell it to people, okay?


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[Assistant] I'm a couple years in the stand-up. I'm like, uhm, I started, let's see, I'm three years in.


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[Assistant] So I have, I can do at this point, cause I'm working a bit, I can do like 20 of like, uh, decent stuff, you know?


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[Assistant] So I get there, and this is, I forget if this was the first taping or not. That part I don't remember. It may have been. But I get out there and they're like, alright, uhm, just go out there.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, okay, how long? And they're like, I think we'll be ready in like 15 minutes. I'm like, great. Perfect. So I go out there, I run my set and you know, it goes fine. Like it gets laughs and then they're like, ready to go. I'm like, right. Yep. Come on back. Start taping the show.


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[Assistant] They're like, cut. They're like, alright, uh, can you go back out there? I'm like, sure. Like, what do I need to do? They go, well, we need to reset the cameras. So something was like not aligned, right? Yeah. So, you know, just go out there and, um,


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[Assistant] We'll be ready, you know, when we're ready. I go, well, how long do you think it'll be? And they're like, probably like 40 minutes. 40 minutes? Yeah. And I'm like, what?


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[Assistant] So I start scrambling, I like grab one of the producers, I go, hey man, I just did like basically what I have, you know, I don't have 40 more minutes of stand up.


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[Assistant] Do you have anything I can give away? I go, what about music? Can you play music? And they're like, yeah, we can do that. So then I do t-shirts and then I have a dance contest on stage.


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[Assistant] And I bring up audience members and I make them dance. And it was the only, I mean, but the panic I felt when I was going to go back out was other level.


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[Assistant] I can't imagine. He's like, do 40 more minutes. I'm like, that doesn't exist, man. I don't have that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I was like, first of all, the only thing I have left is completely vulgar, because at the time they were like, you have to work this clean, you know, you had this audience going, it was terrifying. That's all it was, it was terrifying.


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[Assistant] I bomb so hard at uhm, you remember Carson Palmer? He was the quarterback for the Bengals. He had a private event in Orange County.


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[Assistant] And they go, they, like a few days before,


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[Assistant] I get a call from the Improv, one of the people that works there was like,


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[Assistant] Hey, you know, you're from Cincinnati and Carson Palmer's having this event in Orange County.


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[Assistant] Uhm, they are interested in having you maybe host the event. And I'm like, oh, okay. They go, they're going to come out to the show tonight. So a couple of them.


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[Assistant] Like his reps. They came to the Irvine improv and they watched me and they were like, yeah, great.


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[Assistant] So they go, yeah, the event's like, you know, Friday and it's at this restaurant, like a, like a cool OC kind of swanky restaurant. I'm like, I'm like, okay. I'm like, is there a stage? Like, oh yeah, there's a stage. And so I get there.


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[Assistant] And there's like 200 and some people packed into this room. Bengals. Uh, it's a lot of football players, but it's also just like, um, people that, you know, kind of high, like high, well to do. Front office. Front office. Money people. Yeah. And like, like ritzy OC people.


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[Assistant] And they're all just mingling. So like when you walk into a room, you're like, oh, there's a party. Everyone's like, all you can hear is like the noise of a bunch of people talking. I'm like, all right. And we're just kind of waiting around, waiting around. And I plan out in my head what I'm going to do.


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[Assistant] So then I go, hey, uh, they go, you ready to do it? I go, yeah. And I get ready to go up and I go, how are we, um, how are we going to get them to like,


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[Assistant] There's a mic. There's a mic. I go, how do we get them to stop talking? He goes, isn't that up to you? And I go, well no, I'm going to perform, but like, they're all just mingling. And the guy's like,


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[Assistant] He's basically like, I don't know man. So I'm like, alright.


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[Assistant] So the guy in like the booth goes, give it up for your host. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you.


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[Assistant] Thought when I got up there, I was like, oh, this is just like take a minute, like as they figure it out.


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[Assistant] To the point where at one point I go, I'm like, Hey guys, are you serious right now? Like I was actually like, yeah, kind of like upset. I was like, guys, this has started.


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[Assistant] Hello? It's like doing a bar show or something. Dude, it was wild. No one gives a shit. And finally there was like three people here that were like standing looking at, and one was a kid.


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[Assistant] So I started to perform to them, and then I told the kid that I was Brett Favre, and he was like, oh really? Like he had no idea what was going on.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I remember getting off stage, oh, then like I go, how long did you do? It had to have, it had to have gone short.


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[Assistant] But, probably like around 15.


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[Assistant] It was such a disaster. And the funny thing was, I go, alright, uhm, well thanks for not listening. You guys are terrible. I said all that stuff. And I go, let's bring up Carson.


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[Assistant] And as he walked to the stage, everybody shut up and just turned and looked at the stage. And I was like, are you fucking serious? And then he went up there and said, just like, thanks for coming out to my event. Um, before I went on stage, this is the part I left out, before I went on stage, one of his reps was like, Hey, um, you know, thanks for doing this. Um, Carson.


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[Assistant] Uh, wants to, uh, invite you to play golf in the, uh, golf outing tomorrow too. And I go, oh really? And he goes, well, unless something fucking horrible wrong happens. And I was like, oh, alright.


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[Assistant] That De Niro's thing and bombing.


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[Assistant] And Robin's at the time wife is like, get up there, go help him.


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[Assistant] 10 year old 2 is like, gonna show no emotions.


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[Assistant] Do you remember the very first episode of Jimmy Fallon hosting The Tonight Show? No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but why would you do this to hit to Jimmy? Yeah. Like it's his first night and he's like, you are such a great actor and he's like,


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[Assistant] And you know, he's just trying, he's trying to like... Trying to get something going? Yeah. And it's, it's, it goes, it's so bad.


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[Assistant] I remember it, I haven't seen it in forever, I just remember it, I remember at the time being like, oh my god, this is so painful.


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[Assistant] And like, they clearly were like, well, book a huge name. It's your first night. And it was just.


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[Assistant] He'll be all fucking weird as shit.


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[Assistant] No, no. I guess it doesn't have that effect on me.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think of the amount, it looks kind of like this, like the, uhm, like this size.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I just, I tried it and I was like, oh okay, and I had a great workout on it, so.


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[Assistant] Oh, it has opioid properties. Stimulant-like effect. That's what I'm talking about. Here's the thing, you know why I really like it? I just feel so confident on it. Uhm, I just walk around and I'm like...


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[Assistant] Really? I only drank that free. Can I tell you what I also had for the very... What does it say here?


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[Assistant] Transition may develop in as little as six months.


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[Assistant] Comparable. Just comparable, no worry about it. Yeah, it just got me if you're comparing.


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[Assistant] Wait. Scroll down, scroll down, scroll down, down, down, down, other way. Uh, make it big again?


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[Assistant] You know, I try to like, I try to stick to the things now that don't give me any irritation at all. So, you know, like egg whites are fine for me, it seems like. I do yogurts in the morning.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I do blueberries or strawberries.


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[Assistant] What's the thing that you stay away from for the longest until you finally go, alright, like, I'll uhm, I'll deal.


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[Assistant] God, I think I was in Boston and there was a place across the street from when I was working there and like in the summer after I graduated college. And you know, just being, I hadn't lived in a city.


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[Assistant] Now your, uh, your solo show is gonna have a bunch of stories about...


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[Assistant] Yeah, and when you had it, I'm at, this is a guess.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the fact that you went through that so young too, it's like, I don't know, I think it terrifies most people.


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[Assistant] That's fuckin' so good. It's probably what ends up making you do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, there was a guy asleep on a park bench and another guy approached him with a cane and just tapped him and he didn't move for like four seconds. And then he just did this, like you said, almost like, almost like dance movement thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I can see you embracing a character like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recognizing it like this. I'm in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, the face of like, oh. Yea. And I, I register. You know it right away. Yea, right away I'm like, oh, that guy's gonna say something to me. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I keep walking over here and of course he goes like out of his way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A store in New York, yea. What kind of store? A container store? Like a department store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that. And he walks around and he goes, Hey, are you the guy? Cause I thought he was going to be like, I know you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes, why did you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, basically. Yeah. You Italian, right? Right? Why'd you break your arm? Fuckin' stupid. So, uh, he's like, come over here. I go, no, no, no, no, no. Ah, such a New York guy. I love that though. He's like, get over here. I go, no, no, no, no, no. I gotta go this way. He goes, you're going the wrong way. The escalator's over here. I go, oh, okay, thanks. Okay, I gotta go, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The New York, I always, we talk about it, like why that personality is like so, I think it's because you're constantly around people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, guess what? I'm okay now. Now the, uh, that level of panic is like, just let me fucking- He's alive!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's alive, yeah. But it could have been very not alive, I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like it's some type of machine that sucks in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that's like tubing or paper or something, but I imagine what it does is compresses and or shreds it, you know, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his leg got tangled in a bunch of it and he got pulled into the machine and then it was just like, oh, he's gone. But the guy that's out of frame clearly turned it off, you know? So, hey, this is all about teamwork and that's why we're showing you this video right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, he, he is, his heart rate's probably at like 190 right now. God. So fucking heartbreaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, he was trying to do like a little trick, like off a ledge, landed and then just fell onto his face. That was his, that's his teeth hitting the concrete, you know? Like that's that sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy ended up, uh, he passed out, broke his tooth and got a hole in his lip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was just his legs, right? Seems like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was like, it's one of those massive, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's not so bad, not so bad at all. But that's like tailbone, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was turning left, uh, from Laurel Canyon onto Magnolia in the valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy in a convertible in front of me, a heavyset dude in a small convertible, in front of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a car, not particularly memorable, but like, there's two people in there. The guy's in the intersection. The big guy in the convertible honks, like, go! Right? Like there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was still green, yeaah. And he's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the car in front, the car that got honked at turns, he pulls over and he lets that convertible pass him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that convertible turns into the first parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I pull in and I see, I see it all happening. Like I see the story playing out. So I park, I get out and I just notice what I had seen. And then the big guy has parked and then that car comes behind, parks next to him. And then the guy gets out. It's this big black dude. His lady is the passenger and she's just sitting there like, and he goes, the fuck you honk at me for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy's like, and you can tell now he's like, like kinda like what you're saying. He's like, uhm, well, he goes, and he doesn't really say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, you honk at me because you're a miserable fat fuck. Beat your fucking ass like that. And I was like, you know, just, it's just, and I'm just like at the ATM like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show. Yeah, this is a real show. Free show. Yeah. And that guy, the big dude just sat in that car, he didn't get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waited, and eventually the other dude got in his car and left. And you know that guy's heart was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It goes from rage to mercy on those guys, fuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's really crazy. And this dude is like, this is some serious shit right here. You know? Like that stare is like, this is not a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you come to my barber shop, this will be your life, you know? That's what this really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever see, uhm, uh, what's it called? Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any of the songs that they made from that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because we realized all he needed was a producer. So we put a call out to, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, yeah, Machines Within, so we said like, hey, do you wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You reached out? Well, we did actually. We contacted him. Did he reply? He did reply. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is like, this is the bones of it, and then the people started to take the audio and remix songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he, well he has new songs. Okay. So that's what, that's what you're asking for. Yeaah, he does have new songs. Uhm, maybe we can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so he just dropped a new one on us. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda what's happening there. I don't know if I would have the TV at full volume in the background if I was laying my lyrics down, but it is a choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he actually, we, uh, we partnered with him actually on a, on a shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well this was, he originally appeared a while back. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, what's his name? Brandon Lee? Brandon Lee, yeah. Yeah. Was that a good movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mashup of the two. You have a really good eye for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. No. I tried to get Machines Within guy by you and- No, I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he is an ICP fan, we've confirmed that for sure. So maybe he's both, fans of both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have tattoos? I don't have any tattoos, no. Why not? Uhm, I don't know, and I've gotten to middle age now where I'm like, I wonder if I've had those days where I'm like, yeah, maybe I get tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get in. Dude, if I went in there on Kratom, I would leave with more than one. I'll tell you that right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People would definitely make comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that smile right there? It's kind of scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, and you can go like, I'll be out of here in a few. You just throw him the neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they, they dissolve on their own because of the type of ink they use. So you get a print, it looks like, you know, it's not gonna come off in the shower, but it'll dissolve like over a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's also the white ones, where it looks like uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. Yeah, it is just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's also like a darker hand, right? Or am I seeing this wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Volatile is the right word for lots of tats. On the face and neck, you're like, this person doesn't give a fuck to a degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what's yours? Do you, do you mind saying it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I have not, I've only given, uhm, kind of a brief...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, overview of not sharing details, but like hinted at the fact that I shot a project.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is uhm, my own project that I wrote and produced and was into and I said I brought in amazing talent on it and you're one of the people that I don't think I've announced it yet. Why would you move when I said that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the idea to just make something that I wanted to make, with the end goal just being that I made something I wanted to make. And so I shot this thing, I funded it, uhm, and you are in it. So thank you very, they don't know anything yet, I can't, I don't want to tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think that, that uhm, the majority of everything will be cut by uhm, probably late next month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the, I saw the first cut of, of one of the things we shot. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have another soundstage day of like- Really? Yea, I have a soundstage day. So you're not done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I have one day, uhm, but that'll be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut in there too. It'll be a few months still. It'll be a few months. But I'm still super stoked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the ideas, so I told...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I was like, yeah, sure. Um, but the original plan was just to go straight to like a YMH live event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I guess, I guess we'll show that to them and see if they are interested in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the goal would be, I mean, whatever, like, if doing a YMHLive type event allows me to do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More of this, meaning just make my own stuff, then I would say that's the goal. The goal is just to be able to make more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I don't know, I don't know that getting it on one of the big streamers is per se the goal, unless it leads to more of it being done. I like it.