[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, that was my first thought when I saw that shit. I was like, oh, Wheeler can nail this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, we're back and it is beyond a pleasure and an honor. You don't know how hard I'm geeking out right now, man. Uh, I can finally say short dogs in the house. Uh, two shorts here, which doesn't feel surreal to say. Short dogs in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, short dogs in the house, Kevin Blatt's in the house, uh, you guys have the, um, blow the whistle show that, uh, people can, you're now gonna put it more broadly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I gotta tell you, I'm, I'm, I, look, you know how there's certain albums or music where it's like a time capsule? I do. Where it takes you to like a certain era in your life? Yes. So I remember I moved, I was living in the suburbs of Milwaukee and we moved freshman year of high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, uh, fall of 93, I moved to, uh, Florida, Vero Beach, Florida. And I remember it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the first days I'm in school, it's the middle of school year, Steve Rennick comes up to me and he's like, we're playing football, it's just ended, so we're in the locker room and he's like, do you burn bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit stayed in my CD player. Not just through freshman year. Through getting my learner's permit. Through getting my driver's license.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, scratched up, got a new one, leaning, you know, with the hat, the black hat to the side, and I was like, this is what I want to do with my life, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also, like, you know, talk shit, uh, but you also had, like, uh, you were drawn to, like, funky-ass bass lines. Oh, I mean, well, the music is the sneaky part. Yeah, I mean, that's what I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you foresee when you were selling the drug dealers these tapes that like this is actually like, is it wild to you that it turned into like legit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever have this, this is like, do you ever have where you listen to a song, any song, and you realize you've been saying the lyrics the wrong way? You ever have that? Always. Dude, do you know that I paid you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I paid you? No. I licensed, so, in my last special, I licensed, Blowjob Betty. Okay. Okay. I paid you, so that I could say this line, and I fucking said it wrong. I've been saying it wrong for 30 years or whatever. What'd you say? Check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all she saw. I said it wrong for fucking, since it came out. Aww man. That's cool. I was so embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you had a lot, I think I heard you say in an interview, you weren't a pimp, but you had a lot of pimp affiliates. So, right? Well, from Oakland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you feel like though, cause I feel like I already know the answer, but if you were, let's say, tomorrow, you wake up, you got nothing to your name, you could go out and pimp, like you know what to do, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, wait, so tell me how though. Bitch, get up and go to work. Go to work. Oh, you do? Alright. So you're one of these guys who has zero, though, insecurity about her doing her blowbangs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fascinated by this. Was this, was you, you brokered sex tapes, right? Yes. And some big ones, the biggest ones. The biggest one of all time. Was that, wait, was that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, before I forget, was it, was it a marketing ploy? I remember being sad when Get Nicked came out and you're like this is the last album. He's gonna retire? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are married, right? Yeah. That's the best. So you guys traded old hoes stories? We have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about the, how do you get a sex tape and then become like, alright, I can handle getting this out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how, I've heard stories by the way, uhm, that, that the Kardashian sex tape was like very orchestrated like as an idea from the start, like this is what will get me to the next level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worked with a comic one time from Oakland, who, uh, you know, I brought you up, he's just like, you know, we're talking about music. He was like, oh yea, I hang out with short dogs sometimes. I was like, really? And then I asked him, like, what's that like? He's like, I mean, if you hang around with them long enough, you'll get your dick sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short, I want to ask you a question. So, I realized this like when we, when they, when they said you're coming on, I was so excited. And then I had, I remembered that a while ago, maybe over a year ago, I was on my boy, Hannibal Burris' podcast. Hannibal's a great comic. DJ Tony Trim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Randomly, I forget how we got into it, but we brought up, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blow the whistle, the song. And I realized that in my memory I was like, oh, I broke down what that song's about. Like I was a professor teaching them. And then I realized that since you were about to come here I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really, I don't know if I got it right, I just decided that. So can we show it to you and you tell me if I was accurate or not? Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, by the way, do you ever like really explore, at a time I didn't, I'll just be honest, the concept of Blow the Whistle, it's actually pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deep concept in and of itself that he's a referee calling a personal foul on you taking his expression of that word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, getting a, as a white guy, getting a nickname from a black rapper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, he got, he, he, you know, he was actually just doing a bit at a show. He got in trouble, he got in trouble. They got mad at him when he said that. They got mad at him for, for just saying like, just, somebody elite, like, not supposed to be recording, you know, just records it, puts it out, and then that whole, people were like, oh yeah, and started, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on man. What is, what is, okay, you've been in rap games this long, all this success, what's the dumbest shit you've ever bought?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how did you guys, so how'd you hook up to, like, where did the idea come to do the radio show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like just where you work? This is my- Like where your playroom- You know, like that thing is my thing. It's his compound, he's got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like as she's blowing him, and then he's like, he's like, did I fart? She's like, yeah. He's like, yeah, sometimes I do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is that money being paid going to you and the lawyers or also that guy who just, so he needs a payoff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did, did they, are they like prosecuting those girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'll do a set and then you do a set. You close it out. That'd be amazing. You stay on the show and then you come out, blow the doors off with some, you know, with the hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's uhm, let's say it again, the show, you guys are doing, uh, Blow the Whistle. Dash Radio. Dash Radio. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you rap about though, in your G-Ray? Just like, anything? Just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be my, that would be on my album, like get the shovel, get the shovel and the rope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short Dog, thanks for coming my man, appreciate it. All good man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all over the newspapers, television, radio. So what we hear about is Michael Jackson. And let's knock out the psychobabble. This guy is a pervert, he's a child molester, uh, he's a pedophile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Bombs House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we just restarted everything. Todd, Christine, your mom's house, Pomcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's great. I can finally tell you this, people have asked me and I believe me, I've been the one trying to find out the most. Uh, the Wellmont...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show, the Wellmont Theater Show in Montclair, New Jersey that I had to postpone due to a sudden snowstorm, uh, has been rescheduled. The new date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, I'm on Facebook now, and we are going to do that show Wednesday, February 13th. Anybody who had tickets to the show that was postponed, the tickets will be honored at this show. If you are not able to attend the February 13th show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or no longer wish to attend the show, you can get a full refund at your point of purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's that. Uhm, that means that there'll probably become a few tickets available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since some people won't be able to go to the new date. It's now February 13th. Uhm, Manfriend Disco, I should tell you that the show that was added January 4th...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is getting close. We're not going to add a third. So if you wanted to come, San Francisco show at the Masonic January 4th, this would be the time to get it. And the one other thing I can tell you besides telling you that all the new and 2019 shows are at TomSagura.com is we added a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Nashville at the Ryman auditorium, the first show February, excuse me, April 14th sold out. There's a few single tickets left, but it's essentially a sellout. So we added a late show April 14th in Nashville, Tennessee at the Ryman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very excited to go there. Thanks for getting those tickets and thanks for wearing your jeans so high and tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, let's get into it, got a big show, lots to do, lots to talk about. Ready? I'm ready. Maybe put your phone down, it's time to go to work. We don't have time to like, just text. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? You not ready? I'm ready, I'm listening to you. Okay, but I mean, you know, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I think darts are the only sport where they like, like, let's keep talking about it. What'd you think, what'd you say? And he's like, yeah, yeah, he did fart on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, at times, there's certain positions, it's funny that there's certain positions where you kind of don't have to, you know, like if you're a pitcher, you're never going to run. If you're a catcher, you don't have to run, really. Uh, first baseman, you're never running during the game. I mean, during, when you're on defense, maybe if you are batting, obviously you have to run around the bases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's guys that just, yeah, they're just huge and out of shape and they're good at baseball. But this you can, this is, you can be far less athletic and be world class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean this is a post-tournament. No, this guy's not, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible, but I'm saying, you wouldn't see this guy and go, probably world class athlete of some kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man. That's what you really gotta ask. I mean it is one of those things where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when you, you know, when you throw a good one, you're like, whoa, but you feel like it's by chance. And then everyone usually has a friend that is actually kind of proficient. You go, wow, like you can actually hit where you're aiming. But then these guys really are just unbelievable at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've talked about this for years. I talked about how I would pay so much money, so much money, really, if they were like, we're gonna, you can pay to hear the on-field mic on during the whole game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much is it? Just tell me the amount. I'm writing the check immediately. Fucking bitch. Like to hear all that trash talk. Ugh. I don't even know. But they have to protect their wholesome image. Which is horse shit. It's the NFL!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the big word? Well, I'll just let you guess, but this, uh, here, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's still, and he's saying, I'm not ashamed to admit when I do that. I would have said I farted there. Sure. But, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so sincere. He's so sincere. I figured this is what, this is what like Joey Diaz would be like if he was like professional, you know, at any of this. He would be going interviews about like, you smell that shit during the match? That wasn't me, dog. I would have told you, I fucking fart. Yeah, he would totally be like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it has to do with darts, the world of darts, and also that they have a better...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're more comfortable with talking about, you know, they're not so serious over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Dark Eyes will actually, I mean, they're not playing for like, you know, NBA, NFL money, but they'll actually make money in these tournaments, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you, you, they shut, you know, somebody pushes it, and then the people sweep the ice right in front of it, but then you also want it to stop in a certain place, you know? You wanna knock that next motherfuckers out, I think, too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of farts all week. It's probably the fartiest week in America for sure. Imagine all the farts and shit that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a late night TJ run. Not late night, but late for us. No, it was like stepping back in time for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know there was one nearby. They do a bad job of like, the sign is not even there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, it's like, it's tucked away. I know. Even if you put the, uh, put the navigation on, it tells you to go off a side street to go into there. I mean, it's just, it's weird. But anyway, that used to be our spot, uhm, when we lived in Silver Lake many years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a TJ on our street, like a block, we could walk to it. And that was, we lived at Trader Joe. Traders Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure. But it felt like, you know, seeing the old treats there, I was like, oh, this is like a flashback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not here. No, the guy was like, I don't even know what you're talking about. I'm like, do you not fucking work at Traders Joe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked for a wine recommendation and the guy like knows his stuff and he's telling, you know, regions and this and that and he goes, this is a really good bottle. It's got these notes and you know, I was like, okay. I go, you know, I'm not that particular, but he's like, oh, you know, when my cousin got married, we actually brought a case of these and it was, it's amazing. It's great wine. I said, all right. It was, it's like seven bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Intense parts. They do. I always like to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know you're gonna have dried apricots. Or I encourage you to eat them when I'm out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fried foods make me shit bad. That's true. That's diarrhea. That's not really a farter. It's like just in, it's straight to seven. That's what I call it. Take a bite. Oh, this is a straight to seven bite. Waaah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's days, yeaah. I mean, like, I like, I like to see if I can handle everything with a bidet. I'll do two bidet full washes, you know. Two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but if I'm doing, if it's a leaky, I'm like, what's going on? And then I wipe again and it's, it's still a smear. I'm like, I gotta take a shower. It bothers me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. I agree. It doesn't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great question. I'm serious, it's a great question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can, the question she's asking is, how come, you know what I think it might have something to do with though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like my dad used to tell me, he's like, sometimes you need to stand up and let everything fall back into place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot. That it's, it never stops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Maybe you just gotta- It's crazy. It's probably just what's around. You're like, I want something in my ass. And you finish and you're like, well, I'm not using this anymore. And you put that in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's another clip of her hitting her boyfriend. And then- Jesus. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think less drugs, more rage, more, more emotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, they're usually not far apart. They usually like to hang out together. So, could be, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something I was thinking right here? Uhm, safety. Safety issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm nervous about it. I'm sitting here like, you're gonna get hurt. It's a nail biter. It's really not good to stand like that. No. But this is her video. She might need to pair up with Nick Hawke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think one of the things she should invest in is uhm, maybe some other mics, cause some of these, it's not the highest quality audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but it's also, I mean, you remember your first set? You know what I mean? You gotta get, you gotta work at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. Let's see, I'm looking up her, uh, her porno category.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. Alright, well here's some descriptions. These are just the scene descriptions, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, Bella Reese riding a cock while her girlfriend watches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, BustyBellaReese, PlumpPussySlam from behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot Bella Reese gets pounded by her ebony lover. So you're right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then it just says, Bellarice, with a dude camping, uh, and she fucks his big cock. What else would you- it's funny that they would let you know that that's what she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Right. Yeah. Well, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she looks like she does uhm, she definitely does it for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you kept doing porn? That's what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna get to this before we have to take our break. We have a guest coming in a little while. But it was so popular this past week. I mean it was just out of control. Uh, there are more Good Morning Julia submissions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have not seen any of these, just heads up. I have not seen any of these. Blueband, uh, put these in a folder for me. So I'm, I'm seeing these for the first time, just like you are. Good morning. Just like Christina is. Okay. Good morning, Julia. Here is Jacob. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is really a seductive comforting thing for a woman to see, right? Like when a woman, when a man...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, the real Julia, we've been in contact, we've been trying, she has a job that doesn't allow her to, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always match our schedule, but we continue to stay in contact and we're still fingers crossed for possibly next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is this? This is, uh, Chris. Good morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ciao, baby. Kiss is like, no good. And here's Darren.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I like about this one? The suit? The suit, I feel like this, this is a biggest departure from this dude's real personality. I think so, I was thinking that too. And that's what I really like about this. Is that this guy, this is really stepping out for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's drinking a fucking two liter of Coke Zero? Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we're back after multiple breaks, uhm, we are joined by our guest, comedian, improviser, actor, I wanna make sure I get it right, Khalil Sheikh Mohammed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's the great Fahim Anwar is here and he has, before I don't want to get too far away from it, to, well, tonight if you're listening. Oh, it's coming out tomorrow? No, you're wrong, you're right. It comes out tonight in audio and tomorrow on video. Okay. So let's just say Wednesday, right? Tuesday. Tuesday, sorry. That's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tuesday, and they'll replay it and everything, but uhm, just so people know, it's a one-off sketch special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this, uhm, so when you were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine that there's actually probably a, I'm guessing, a big afghan maybe population up there? No, actually. No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's very fascinating, um, hotbeds of certain cultures in places you don't imagine in the United States. I think like one of them shows up somewhere and they're just like, hey everybody!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. Yeaah. Uhm, you know that like a lot of like foreigners, at least I have South American foreign, you know, uh, blood and family, so I would go down there a lot. They always thought James Dean


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The look of a white t-shirt and jeans screamed American. It does. So sometimes, you know, now we always go like, oh god, I don't want to seem American anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In certain times, like if you were going to discotheque in South America, you would put that on and they would be like, then you were like exotic, right? So they were like, white t-shirt, blue jeans, they're like, this is American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have a hardcore, uhm, afghan, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was mad at me because I borrowed, I remember I borrowed his golf clubs. I didn't really know how to golf, but I started, I was like, I'm start, you know, doing it. And it was during, I think junior, senior year, high school or something. And then it was Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he went golfing, and I didn't put one of his clubs back in his bag, and he called me like, so fucking upset, and I was like, and then he came back and got his, his club out of the bag that I had put it in, and he was like, god dammit, and like just so upset, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I was really worked up about it. And then later on he was like, I'm sorry, I probably terrified you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, yeah, it's fucking nine iron, man. Yeah, it's not the big of a deal. No, he was upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he loves it. And even when we did that, uh, when we shot the movie, he would, uhm, sometimes play rounds of golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you have to wait? Like Mark's finishing the bat nine? One day yes. Actually one day yes. And I was like, why aren't we shooting this thing? And they're like, Mark's playing golf. And I was like, oh, which by the way, I was like, makes sense to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's a huge movie star. And then they're like, no, he's playing golf in another city. So we have to wait for his flight to come in. I was like, it still makes sense. That's what I mean, you know, what he likes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally nobody complained. It was like some... Yeah, they were just like some grip or something. It was like, yeah, he's flying back right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking up a car will really bring out dad rage. So my older sister was in, by the time she was 18, double digit car accidents. And an accident meaning even as simple as...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know at a gas station, the island that the gas station sits on? Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit that, she backed into light poles, she, uh, hit, she just like ping-ponged up everything. No spatial awareness, and just simply put, not a good driver. You know, speeding tickets, running stops, like everything you could fuck up, she fucked up, and one time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never forget, they had a, uhm, in their, in their bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had basically the bed on this side of the room and this side of the room where the TV was sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the wall was also like custom cabinets, like it was part of the wall. Right. And my, my, my sister got a speeding ticket called the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's all these things you're obviously learning while you're here. Don't forget, uhm, Goat Face. Yeah, Goat Face. Tomorrow, here's a clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then... I thought it was because, like, there's always like goat jokes about that, you know, your child. Oh, they're all goat fuckers? Is that the joke? Oh, I guess there might be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go fucker your face. Did you guys, you, you got you and everybody in this shot sketches for years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents were thrilled I could put together a sentence. They were just like, you can get any degree and we'll be real happy. He's the Dylan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's more, uh, it's more indicative or like a reflection of the time now that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15 or 20 years ago for sure, you guys would all be like, I talk like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone told me, like, uh, I mean, it was a few hours in there, like, you've never mentioned that your mom's from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, and I figured out a way to talk about it in a way that feels authentic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are though, and it's not unique to one group, are obsessed with hearing about their own tribe. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, white people will go see, here's the thing, a white person will go see a good movie if it's good. But anything that's good works. Yeah, like they're not going to be like, what, there's a bunch of Asians in that? I don't want to see that shit. Like if it's good, it ends up, you know, that word of mouth still will just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has a career, there's no barrier of entry anymore. Bad girl, whatever. Bad baby or something. Bad baby, yea. No, I know. Well now with, with the, uhm, with online access, anybody can throw up anything. Yea. And be like, hey, I mean, there's guys with like, and girls with, uh, YouTube followings from their fuckin' iPhone.


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[Assistant] Where like, they now have like 19 million subscribers and it's just them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting out a video. Not even like a well shot, thought out sketch. Just, you know, you throw out your personality. People might respond to it. That just happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't have been able to tell just from- Yeah, we looked it up. A lot of anal clips. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, uh, is that your kind of go-to? The anal? When you're doing a search, is it mostly anal or no? No. No? No, it's just rapping. Do you have lanes? Lanes? Of, uh, hardcore that you like? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so uhm, we have a fun segment we like to call Drugs or Mental Illness and we play you a video and you tell us whether you think this person is high or mentally ill. Yeah. Okay, here we go. It's a hard game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times after like a few episodes, Dr. Drew will come in and he's really good at spotting things that they- Oh, he'll be like- He'll look at- Yeah. He'll look at even breathing patterns, look at the colors in the eyes, the skin, he'll be like, that's pretty much definitely meth. And like, he's just really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's called our, we call it the two drew list. So we make sure that he sees. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, yeah, but this guy, I don't know. I think we're definitely onto something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, but this was like, um, let me see if, if I can, uh, if I can pull this up. The Taliban porn? Well, this might get him all worked up. I don't know if he wanted to, but let's see if this happens. You know these guys. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I think if you would have done this segment on Goatface, big hit. You think? Monster numbers, especially if you got this scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we've been really, really on one with Garth Brookes the last...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when I tapped out. I was a huge Chris Gaines fan. The commercials have been airing that uhm, his Notre Dame show is gonna be, is gonna come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big ass stadium tour of which Notre Dame was the first stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is probably the fifth or sixth different video, months apart that we've watched, where he's wearing that same Nike shirt. He just wears that shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a press conference about your tour where you're like, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be able to handle my own tour. Like he just said, if it goes like, he just said it, he's like, if the rest of the tour goes like this, I honestly don't know if I'll be able to do it. What? Like what are you talking about? You're not gonna be able to do your own tour? Yeah, because it's just too much. Well then don't fucking do your tour.


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[Assistant] Oh boy. He's getting emotional there about putting on the show that'll change your life. It's weird, man. It is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on is he's thinking about all the bodies he's got stacked in fucking graves on his, uh, in his yard. I think he's a killer. 100%. He's probably killed two, 300 people in his life. It's a good cover. I don't know.


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[Assistant] I think some people really can't stand the thought that they might not get the deal that somebody else got. And those are the people, there's actually a number of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like the worst thing ever, especially if you can't get a refund.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are, these people are really giving white people a bad name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are they squabbling over? 20 bucks? It's probably, it's less than 100. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. The real game is like, is it 26 dollars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Kmart just shut down. Kmart's been gone for a long time. Really? You didn't know this? Kmart just shut down one of their stores last week and it was a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one in this generation would know, like, the whole, the ritual of being dropped off, you know, and then having


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, there was a point where CDs were like getting, like, it was like $16.99. They were getting pricey. Pretty pricey, but you would seek out and then to hold it, like the actual, and it had that security, you know, clamped around it. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. You have to get it unlocked. I love that ritual. It was really fun. And it always comes out on Tuesdays.


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[Assistant] Not to mention the, uh, what you were, like, the actual cost of producing that, that actual item was like pennies. Yeah. So you were just, you know, I mean obviously you're not paying just for the, to hold it, you're paying for the content, but they really were robbing us. But you got the booklet and you gotta flip through it. Booklet lyrics? Read the lyrics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we've been talking all this, uh, guard stuff and we got an email that said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I brought up Garth Brooks when I saw an advertisement for one of his shows during Thanksgiving, which was obviously the big, the Notre Dame one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In an attempt to expose how crazy Garth was to my relatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was probably like, have you seen Garth Brooks? And his grandfather was like, you like him too? He's like, well, yeah. And then it just went downhill from there. God damn. Um, here's a, oh, a scrum solution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, when you date, are you dating? Are you trying to? You're about to be on a big TV show on Comedy Central. You're gonna start getting some of those hot submissions like I get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before we hit record, uh, we were at dinner the other night and Cristino goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're having a dinner with a couple and then, uh, they said that, you know, the wife said that she sees emails for her husband. And then Christina goes, Tom, do you get hit up a lot? Like, uh, now that you're touring and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great special, doesn't hurt that you're easy on the eyes. I just think there's less of a filter with.


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[Assistant] Have you ever? Oh maybe. Oh yeaah. Have you ever hooked up with a fan, like somebody who messaged you, like you know, you're hilarious and then meet them? No. Never? Yeaah. Wow. Yeaah. Cause you're gonna, you're gonna do it now, I assume. I don't know. So you never even like entertain the idea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you're so funny. And you see, it's a girl. You've never been like. She'll be intrigued. I'll be, I'll look. Yeah. And then nothing, no pursuit at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you consider possibly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, putting out like a, a video like this to like, just to get the ladies, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was trying to say that I really look at your picture when I see it, but uh, came out the way he put it, which is kind of cooler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's just, that's detro. That's swag, that's too much swag I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a lot of drugs and alcohol. I think it might be a little booze in there. Yeah. Uhm, here is a, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A message though about, it's called the scrum solution. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so like when you do date a girl though, you ever either ask her to eat your scrum or something like that? No. Okay. Uhm, this one says, Hey Hitlers, I may have a solution to getting Christina over her scrum eating phobia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My triple D slut girlfriend and I have been together for three years now and never once had she ate or even offered to eat my scrum. Obviously I was very frustrated at how inconsiderate and rude she was being, as I am as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally, the strategy that worked for me was to no longer bring up my browns. The discussion of size, shape, smell, and frequency is now off the table. One month ago, today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While she and I were practicing for her 69th birthday, I kept telling her to sniff those balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nice message, Chad. Thanks so much for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Brutal. I mean, that definitely hurt. That hurt like hell, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's okay, he's alive. He's fine. He actually, we learned that he was fine. It was a big story in Taiwan when it happened. Seriously, seriously. No. No, no, I swear to you. How?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How? Yeah, how's that a big story in Taiwan? Well, cause it went viral, and it was in Taiwan. So then it was in the news, and people were like, is this guy dead? His legs shattered, turned out he just had bruises. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Cause some people thought for sure the legs were amputated, but they weren't.


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[Assistant] Would you rather sit through a 24 hour performance of, here, I'm gonna give you choices, okay? Of this?


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[Assistant] Oh, so far they're both very annoying or 24 hours. Fuck. Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] So yeah, which is, give me the order of worst, the worst one all the way down. I'm going to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is performance drumming. It's not even real drumming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm struggling here because I feel like the drummer I want to punch straight in the fucking mouth for thinking that he's, uh, putting on a show. This guy, I realize he does a specific thing, and in its own weird way, he can actually do this bullshit well. But I want him dead, 100%.


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[Assistant] So those are the struggle for me because now that I see all three together, the hand boning guy is definitely the most tolerable. The clapping guy. I agree with you.


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[Assistant] We're always fucking pointing out how nasty and inappropriate people are in different scenarios, sometimes in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we got an email that said, I recently started listening to the podcast and I've been listening


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glassing through the back catalog, back in episode 398, I heard you talk about sandals, specifically stinky, funky, ugly ass Birkenstocks. I think that's the official shoe of Seattle. I don't know yet if you got the blowback you were expecting from the low and loose dirt Birk wearers, but I'm 100% with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally smelling your asshole on this one. I don't know if you classy celebrity country club folk are anything like the modest non-binary Zer from Canada, but I see some real nasty ass pictures people post in swap and sell groups on Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a few screenshots to share with you, but now, or to share with my brother, now I'm going to share them with you. Keep those jeans high and tight and those purples big and mushy. Kevin, people are fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is- How much do those cost new? That's what I'm saying. 100 dollars maybe? Really? Are they 100 bucks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know people love their burqas, worn twice, but they're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've wanted nice shit that I couldn't get, and I was like, oh, I guess I just won't buy that. Yea. Or just wait? Wait a little bit? Yea. Save up. You know, I'd be like, I have $40 now, so I'll just put that aside. How funny would that be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've talked to people who said they're amazing. I don't get it. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think part of what's, uhm, amazing about them, like, I mean, levels of it, is number one, the ease of putting on and taking off. Isn't that any sandal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked to a couple of Birkenstocks fanatics who were like, they are so unbelievably comfortable. And you wear through them, like they're so comfortable, but you eventually wear through them, you know, you have to re-up those shoes, I guess fairly often. But they're, I know a couple people that are obsessed with them. They really love them. I've never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm just looking at something that a message came in. Alright, uhm, what about dates? Are you doing any road dates coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. And let's encourage everybody, uh, to, if you're listening to this episode as it comes out, uh, watch Goatface Comedy Central.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody. Uhm, well please support Fahim and thanks for coming. Gene, is there anything else you want to add?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. Uh, thanks again for coming, man. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. Thank you. Here's a young Patreon, uh, Scrum Dog Millionaire produced by DJ JP Sounds. We'll see you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess it's official. We're finally here. Inside Studio Gene. I'm Tom Segura. She's Christina P. Big Titski.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazing. It's amaze. We'll get into it. Okay. Let's go through these dates. It's official man. You know what I mean? Go for it Tommy Salams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this weekend I'm in San Diego. I have three shows at the Balboa Theater. The 11th and the early show on the 12th are sold out. But, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Late Show still has probably some singles. Uhm, so I would try to get those if you are in San Diego. Let's see. Oklahoma City, uhm, is all sold out. There are Late Show tickets


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 26th is sold out, but we added to show the 27th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are a few tickets left there. If you want to go, that's at the Majestic. Go to tomscura.com, click on the tour page, and get tickets there. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, well look. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god. It's gonna, it's about to go down. It's official. We are in the new studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in Studio Jeans, uhm, there's so much to talk about, so much to get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But as always, we have to get the show off to the right start. Let's kick things off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brown talk. It's my lipsticks, I'm a lady. It's official. It is official and your mom's house is continuing to enlighten the audience with these hard to find men and their irresistible offers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, I would think that yeaah, around


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Dr. Drew would maybe say something's going on in the eyes here. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it just, it's not a normal gaze. You know? It's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the way he phrases it. Can we see that? Because it's a whole nice offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it. There's a little dust in here. Jesus Christ. God damn. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty terrible framing, but I've seen worse. But yeah, I mean, he would make, he would make the cut. Now I'm embarrassed to say that this man has his shirt on, which is absolutely revolting that he would dare to send in his video like this.


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[Assistant] But subject matter is A1. That's how he, that's how, when you get, when you, when you open like that, it's just, it's fantastic.


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[Assistant] It's what you want from somebody that is living in your neighborhood. Which, by the way, I don't even know that he lives in this neighborhood. Probably not. I don't think it's his yard, cause he, in his offer, he's like, if you let me eat you, you'll be like, stay. And I think he's like basically off, he's basically, this is basically a petition to, can I sleep at someone's house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, and the trade off is I'm really good at eating you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I- Yeah, out of jail? Mmm, I don't think that Try Not Guy would-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think this guy would enjoy, he might do the beat me, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'm definitely on point. He is looking for a place to stay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is ironic, I think. I noticed of all the Toofies you could be missing, to have your front two, it's always unique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. And you can highlight the missing Toofies because the one next to the missing is gold. So you're like, hey, that's gold. Oh hey, there's no Toofies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Gene. Gene? It's, I can't believe it's actually here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a long time coming. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dream of it is longer. The reality of it is, you know, you were super pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got a lease on a key in September, October. And then, uhm, what happened next? Oh, I had a guy who was gonna do everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know who really helped, who really helped, the first guy I called was Ethan Klein. That's right. Uhm, you know, Ethan Hilo from uh, H3 and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know he knows a lot about production and sets and I was like, dude, can you, and he hooked it up. He put me in touch with uh, TJ Moore who built this set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, Nadav, our very own bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our producer, yeaah. He, uhm, became very involved and then we got, you know, the technical aspect going, uhm, Potter help with a lot of production stuff and then we hired Mel and this great lighting crew and then, I don't know, it all came together and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soundproofers, which we are actually halfway through it. So I don't even know how this, I hope this sounds good to you guys. It'll sound even better next week when they're completed with it, but it's, uh, it's been a whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is still, it's still great, it's still great, but, you know, I'm just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think this audience understands the level of importance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a really, uh, I took a disgusting shit last night. Really? Yeah, I had a, well I had an omelet for dinner and then I watched the national championship game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and uh, Bart and Aerie came over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Downstairs. Oh wow. Bold. I know. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uhm, got up this morning. Well, you woke me up, to be fair with the fart. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a few, and then I was like, ugh, this is not gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it upset me that we waited so late to do this show. We should have been doing this show at 6.30 in the morning. Sorry guys, that's the new call time. We're gonna wake up. That's when farts happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want to make a point here. Sure, go ahead. Okay. This is a, an amazing studio. This is, uhm, you know, we're going to do, by the way, a behind the scenes, uhm, tour of everything, right? Yeah. We'll show everybody all the ins and outs, like, to what level everything was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am happy about that. But uh, can we take a look at this? This is pretty cool what he built here. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arrogant, but when you see something like that, we've kinda changed the world. You know? In a lot of ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Giving people a platform to shine that would otherwise just kind of fade away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be rad. Hey, that probably is true. No, probably it is true. Oh, by the way, gotta say this. So you guys know our good friends at Satva have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always been, uh, huge supporters of ours, of this show. I talked to them about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're on board, and I think it's so awesome that this is going to be a reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, to celebrate the fact that we're in this new space, in the new studio, Satva is going to give away


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, two mattresses to listeners for free. One Satva, one Lumenleaf memory foam. Here's how you win the free mattress. I think some people will have fun with this. Send us a video, no longer than 30 seconds, of why you should get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, uh, your mom's podcast at gmail.com and put satva in the subject line. S A A T V A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, once again, if I could say it without a belch just for the listener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] S-A-A-T-V-A in the subject line and send it, again, less than 30 seconds and win a free awesome mattress. It's gonna be either the Lumenleaf memory foam or the actual Saatva luxury firm. They're fantastic and I want to thank Saatva for doing that very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were awesome, yeaah. I mean, they still are, but yeaah, that was really cool when they got, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, got involved with us a while back. What we have to talk about, by the way, before we move further along, that uh, over the weekend, or before the weekend, I think before the holiday week, during our off week, so to speak, uh, Louie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had a set that was leaked and created this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insane backlash. Yeaah. In the comedy world. I love it. Don't you love it? The chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, first of all, the idea that, I mean, especially when people in comedy who know better, act like they don't, is what bothered me, is that this is clearly a workout set, right? Like the guy stopped in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His 15th, 12th to 15th time on stage since being off stage for like 10 months. And this is part of the process of how you build materials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you do these pop-ins, and then you take that material to clubs, and then you work out some dates in clubs, and then you take it to a small theater, and then a bigger theater, and then for him he can go even beyond that to an arena. But I'm saying the process is that, you remove,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the thing, it's like, first of all, the idea that you're judging a workout set is insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it if you're from the general public and you're going like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the point is, you do those sets to be kind of reckless. You do that, you speak irresponsibly. Absolutely. And then you figure out, like, there's parts that, let's say, really don't get a laugh or get a uuuh, as you move along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a first draft. It's a first draft. So that part made me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, the, like, just the need to really beat the shit out of him, like, his comedy, I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people who are like, I was a big fan and now, now I heard this and now I hate him. What are you talking about? Like it's the same sensibility, it's the same guy doing the same type of material he's done. It's like vintage Louis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, to be fair, all those guys, way bigger pieces of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, okay, personally, like, on the comedy side of things, listening to that, and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except here's the thing, in this situation, like not in all situations, but in this situation, I'm actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So well informed on a subject, that I can't be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, these kids today are so crazy. It's like, well, if you frame it that way, then that's the premise. But if you listen to it and you actually hear what was said, you realize it was a much richer concept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you, and I love it. It bothers me that like, you know, he's had to, like, you can't act like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because other people have suffered, that he hasn't, as like, the idea that this year has been just a peach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't agree with it, man. I don't like it. But I do want to point something out. Aside from, unless you had something else down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people that don't get it, the only thing that's making us go like, what the fuck is wrong? Is that you hear them. Because they have, we all share this like, these platforms. So you see them going like, what's wrong with you? How could you make fun of that deaf person? You know? And so, because you ingest their nonsense, you go, oh my god, everything's fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, you usually don't say anything smart, but I think you're pretty young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I set up my phone, I gave it to him like, watch this, watch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's the, uh, the trailer for us, the new Jordan Peele movie, you know? Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good for anxiety. Sure. Because. Especially about your children. Yeah, yeah. It's a perfect. It's uhm, but the trailer's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I was, I was pretty stoked. He takes, uh, I got five on it, the Luna's track from the nineties and slows it down. And so it sets this tone for this deeply disturbing thriller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are welcome. Well, look at-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh snap, alright. Uhm, Jean. So excited. We should take a moment. I gotta pee. And we'll be back with a great guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and we are back. Pretty good. We're back with an all-timer. A Hall of Famer first ballot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, sure. It's a show. It's a show. It's a show. It's a show. It's a show, uhm, that we- here's the cool thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing I wanted to, uh, like in summary is that you came on, you didn't know what to expect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the audience so loved having your voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here we go. So, I just want, like, okay, I want to give you the setup first, because it makes more sense this way. Here's the setup. Uh, this man was at the gym. Is that this guy? Yes. Okay. He was at the gym, and he sees an attractive woman leaving the tanning room at the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Videos began. That's right. Okay. So this guy sees her, he calls out her name, her name's Julia, and she thinks that because he knows her name that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, can I have your number? And she goes, how about I'll take your number? One of those moves. And she shows her phone, cause it's in her hand. He puts in his number and dials himself. So now he has her number. So, but that's where she goes, uh, thanks, good night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes home and the next morning she wakes up and this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is she the one that sent this to you? Yes. Well, eventually. Eventually, yeaah, but yes. It came to us through listeners, but then we made contact. And then we ended up meeting her and getting the whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why they keep doing it, cause they keep working, right? Push, push, push. Oh my god, please. So, we've been really fascinated by Garth Brooks. And I want to tell you why. I'm not sure I understand why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a super talented guy who has an unbelievable fan base, right? But he has a dark side. I think so. And I also think that he has this really disconnected, um, sense of like how to interact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he murdered whoever knocked on the door? Or no? He would have if it was not a birthday cake. I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but sometimes he'll talk real sexy in some of his voices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a backstory for it. So that like, uh, Chris Gaines' parents died when he was young. Oh my god. So he's, he's trying to capitalize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. He went for it and he put out an album as this and then he nearly wiped the internet clean of it after he decided not to do it anymore. Pretty interesting. This is an evil empire. You guys have tapped into something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk to Tom. He's doing stadiums right now. Stadiums. For his latest tour. Stadiums. Oh, he's a huge superstar. That's a big deal. That's pretty wild, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that this? No. Is this, by the way, does Susan know you're putting out, like, you're doing webcam stuff alone? What? Isn't this you? This is me? Is that not you? It could be. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't seem like the healthiest message to put out, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to show her that trailer all day. So I was like, have you seen the trailer? And then that dinner, I was like, have you seen the trailer? And then we were in the car and I was like, you gotta see it. And then when I showed it, she was like, I'm anxious. Uuuh. Like Burt Kreischer and I sounded like Burt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yeah. Okay. It was neat because most people- Was it October? I have, uh, I have scotch, or bourbon, and I, you know, I put it in a nice, there's like nice glasses for it. Yeah. And, uh, you know, usually it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She always sees, you know, sometimes we've played, uh, like, uh, Dom videos, and like, there's this one where they, like they'll, there's some guys who actually like getting kicked in the balls, and punched in the balls, really hard to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've, we've watched these for a laugh, and it's, it's really crazy to, and sometimes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you play, can you play from real quick, just like a minute, just today's opening clip, just the first, like, just to get him, like, just, how much? Sauced up properly. Well, just to see, like, what would you think is going on with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to say that the, uh, the new show he'll be doing will be available on this YouTube channel on Fridays. It'll also be available to download if you want to listen to it. Uhm, it'll be Dr. Drew After Dark. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, real quick, I know, thank you for sticking around an extra minute. We were about to just jump off. Yep, but, we couldn't resist. One of our producers and great comic and friend, Josh Potter,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we were talking about this the other day. Uhm, Josh, go ahead and tell what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here we go. And also, it's still... Well, yes. Go. Yes. And go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm super fast. I understand. I saw that in every question you asked. We have two small children. Yea, yea. I mean, without kids, I'm still just like that. But, but I mean, I'm just, I'm just amazed though. I'm just amazed. I'm saying like, I want, if the, if we can get anything out of this show, it's just for Josh to come. So is it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thanks, thanks guys. And we're back, uh, we have switched out guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We tossed one into the trash and we picked up another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guest is a long time friend who I would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me and a couple of friends, a guy, they're nice guys, and we just hang out. How many of these guys? We put like seven guys, we get in cages, we put tails in, and then a guy basically trains us, you know, to be, to behave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside, owner, outside the cage, and he commands us. Owner? Yeah, he's our owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Accent. I know it's like Mississippi or something like that, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were going over, because Christina doesn't know how to say certain things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell me? I saw that. You did see that? How do you say that word, the mini word, the full version? Miniature. Miniature. Mini-nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about uhm, C-O-M-B-A-T-I-T-I, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Status? Not status. Yeaah, I say status. Yeaah. Status. But some people do say status. Status. What about D.A.? What about D.A.T.A.?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What about that school in Indiana, or also the, you know, N-O-T-R-E, where Garth just played a concert?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get that a lot too when you engage someone out of kind of kindness and humanity like a toll booth guy or the guy in the lobby and you're like, how's it going man? He's like, funny that you asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the same guy in different, the first time he picks me up, this guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He picks me up and he goes, Terminal 6 today, sir? And I go, yeah, it's a nice, nice guy, he's wearing a suit, big, you know, SUV, like a Suburban. And I start emailing, and then I make a phone call, and when I finally hang up, I look up, I realize we're pretty close to the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, oh, you know, you see this hands on ten and two kind of shit. I don't fuck around. I fucking drive, man. And I go, yeah. And he's like, you know, you see a lot of stupid shit out there. I mean, all professionalism just come on. He goes, you see a lot of stupid shit. A lot of times you wonder why is this stupid shit happening? And you pull up because there's a stupid motherfucker in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, that is true. You can drop me out here if you want. I feel like he's like, he's like ramping up. And then, so I text both of you guys about that guy. Two weeks go by. I see, I walk out with my bag, go to the airport. This time I see a sedan, nice, a nice car. And I hand my bag and I'm like, this, this is the guy I think, you know, I don't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a nice ride. And he turns, he goes, I call this the pussy car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a rapist, by the way. It's not sexy. He fuckin' turns the car around. We're going to the stop sign that is 40 yards from our house. He goes, I'm fuckin' a couple old bitches right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to God. And I go, really? And he goes, yeah, man. He goes, I got a theory. I go, what is it? He goes, women in their sixties, it's like their pussy comes back to life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, she's a tease though, you know, she'll play with my dick and uh, you know, fuck around, smoke something, drink something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like quiet for a minute and I'm like alright, you know, just kinda like having one of those moments. He told me this crazy story and I'm just quiet and he goes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just laughing, and like, or I would, uh. Did you record any of it? No, I thought about it, then I felt, you know. Just audio. I know, I wanted some audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uhm, I'm sure I'm gonna get him again. I'm sure they're going to... If the guy's come twice, it's like, it feels like he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked about that dude in a special. How did you find out a driver liked to smoke


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude, he ran, I mean this is when like, you know, this was like the best option for us at the time for an airport ride. Because, a crackhead. Y'all come a long way to Studio G, so what is that? Did I get it right? He had like a car service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you have the, if you need to get to the airport, and like, and these are flights for like our middle weeks and, you know, like, yeaah, start, startin' to do like some- Yeaah, we had no-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he would be, he was, for a long time he was reliable. Cause I'd be like, I have a flight at 8am, I need to get picked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I need to get picked up at like 6.30 or whatever. And he would be like, I'll be there. I'll be up. Don't worry. I'll still be up. No, he said that. Do you know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, that, that neighborhood's really Latino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, yeaah, uh, one time he was, he was like, you wanna, you wanna hit? Like, as, as- Of what? Weed. Like, he's still driving me-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's like, are you cool or what? You know, and I was like, yeaah. You gonna be a pussy about this shit or what, man? And then he did, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And talking about smoking crack, I was like, really? Like, you do that? He's like, I mean, every once in a while, I don't do it all the time. So I was like, oh, you still, he's like, I dabble, you know, when it's time to like, have some fun, you know, I'll fucking, I like to just freak myself out. I remember he told me that I like to get real high, just freak out, look through the peephole, just fucking lose my mind. He likes that. He enjoys that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. What I'm saying is this though. Do you ever, have you, does the experience exist for you where you've gotten too high and you're a little paranoid? Yeaah. So one of my friends is a daily smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people who have like contraptions, like, you know, you put this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rainforest, and you're like, alright man, and it's like, you smell, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable, looks crazy. So this dude...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I smoke a little bit and I go, yeah, man, I'm way too high. I'm kind of freaked out. He's like, yeah, me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, I go, don't you smoke every day? He's like, I do this every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I get to that like paranoid freaked out part and I go, why don't you hate it? He goes, yeah, but then I like going back there too, you know, so like I, I hate it while I'm this freaked out and then I go back and I do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, you'll love it. I gotta show you, I gotta show you this. So this was- This is where I'm watching over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's, uh, this, this, uh, these twins were on, uh, in Australia, on Australian TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just clearly listen to what they say. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what stands out the most is that like, you'd always, I mean, if that's the other way around, you're like, yup, there's just another sick fucking guy, right? Like, it's just, there's just endless, one thing we've learned during the show, there's an endless amount of sick fucking guys, willing to do anything. But when women do it, it definitely stands out more. It's special. It is special. It is special. She's a neat chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy gets to go, baby I got a fart about, she's like, well hold up, hold on, don't waste that shit. And then she gets in position, face in his ass. Told him to hold, hang on real quick. Hang on man. Don't let that loose, I want all of that. He did one of those like, bite his lower lip kind of like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She makes money, you don't have to work, she loves your daughter, she's like, I love the Ravens, I want to go to games, I just want to make- Bought you a box. Bought you a box, let's have crab cakes, you know, she's just the best, you just love everything about her, and then she's like, just fart in my mouth. You know, not even every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This by the way, this was not, uh, the one who, the one, no, the girl who stayed at your house and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does she set you up, how does she set you up for the, she's like, does she go like, she will in 10 years. How does she set you up, like you guys, is it like, you're making out for a while?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying, did the next time, did it come up again like in the heat of passion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when the request came in for like, for the tip top, was it, was it in like, are you like naked or is it like you're just having dinner? She's like, hey, by the way tonight, why don't you step it up? I think we were at Shakey's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, before, before we, I don't, I don't want to forget about it. The new podcast, it's called The Honeydew. Yea, The Honeydew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you can subscribe now. You can, you can start listening to it. It's a video. You can get a prescription right now. You can get a prescription for it. Uhm, so the audio...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. And the studio, or the video, you can watch here on the YMH YouTube channel. Uhm, you're gonna be over on this set here. Studio, what's that, set two? Yea, set B. Set B. Yea. Uhm, also, NATO.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you jump on for one second? You set up a separate, uh, channel for clips, right? Correct, yeaah. So now people can subscribe to, what is the, the clip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you want to watch like the three minute thing or the clip or like the high out of this call or this animation or whatever, those will all be on the clips channel. Full episodes only will be on the main


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just, you'll get, you'll get clips from all these shows, uhm, so in February, you can look forward to watching the show, uhm, The Honeydew on Tuesdays, right? Your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wednesdays, Dr. Drew, Fridays, uhm, I'm not sure about, there's another show or two, we'll know soon, whatever, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Honeydew, you did do the first one. I did. With, uh, Josh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put a call out, one time we put a fart call out to guys who have the fart fetish, cause we're like, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, are you for real? And these guys wrote in who really, they're like yeah, and they explained their whole thing. I just want to put a call out if there's any women out there with, uh, with- Do we really wanna know? You're definitely gonna get emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, by the way, do you want to give him, we were discussing before, what you would do if you could eat anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would not even make it. You would be so physically ill. You think so? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peeing's great, I peed outside last night a few times. I peed outside, we were in the backyard, yea, having a cigar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably in his 30s. He had his hair pulled back into like a man bun. He's wearing like a throwback 49ers starter jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had a Hitler stash. I was like, this guy. And he was walking with such confidence, he was like, I dare you to point out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not Doc Martens, but they were like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately wasted a couple farts in the green room here in the lobby, but uhm, who knows, maybe some magic will happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she was like, there's no way we're moving to a new space and not getting a fart mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They really smell. They smell. You can get a whiff of a mic and you're like, oh, that's what disease and death and just horror smell like. Sad. A lot of sad. You know what it doesn't smell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only, like, that's the closest I've come is my friend said that his friends were a Nielsen family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking of like those weird purchases, cause you do it with gum, like you're never really looking for gum. Just habit. If somebody says, there's some good gum here, you're like, yeah, I do like gum. The socks, when you buy shoes, you're like, you want some socks? And you're like, you have socks, but you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but not like, you gotta get a whiff of it, I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were leading up to this, I mentioned earlier, I was concerned about the lights, and the video, and these mics, and making sure the control booth was ready to go, and the internet, and you, last week we were testing video and audio, and you were like, god damn it, is that fart mic ready? And when Nadal was like, no, it's not really a priority, you go, why are we even moving? Why are we moving if we're not going to step up our game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every other way, and I've heard you speak glowingly of your wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And she's like, oh look, all I'm asking is that when you gotta fart every once in a while, you tap me on the shoulder and you let me know and I eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you walk away from like a urinal and you're like, oh my god, I think I'm pissing down my leg right now. I'm just pissing. It's not dribbling. I'm full, full pissing in my pants. Now I want to bring this up because I imagine you have pretty good game. Okay. That's just like a sense that I have and we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we played a guy, uh, we're not gonna play him right now, but this guy became a, you know, quite a hit on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Salome, by the way, is, uh, so a lady was leaving extensive messages on Christina's phone when she switched her number. How did she get your number?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, yeah, yeah, so Drew analyzed the Good Morning Julia guy and he was just bracing. He was like, he's like, so it's about to get violent or grotesquely sexual, you know? And then it didn't go there and then he was just like, well, this is, you know, this guy's obviously has like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he said, and then he said, you're too ugly to suck, Michael.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think there would be such a bump of people spending money out that it would be worth it though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell ya. I remember when I met Santino, I was like, hey Tommy, I'm just glad you're not named Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, that's a weird thing to say. You know? Why? And then he told me the whole story. I was like, do you say that to everybody? And he's like, if they're not named Rick, I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to make something clear. We are overjoyed, first of all, that you're going to the Netherlands to find Rick. But secondly, that Whiskey Ginger


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your podcast that everyone should subscribe to, please, download, review, thumbs up, stars, write a love letter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, also, you will very soon be able to watch


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, watch his podcast here on this YouTube channel. He's gonna record it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this set over here. Yep. And the video coming up will be coming up on Mondays starting in like two weeks. Is that right? Or something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give or take. Alright, so, but it'll be a regular thing where you can watch the video on the YouTube channel or you can download and listen to Whiskey Ginger. You are hilarious, dude, so I'm super, super pumped that you're doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what I mean? Shout out to Rick. Yeah, like maybe you get a camel back and you kinda do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying it's elaborate to have set up a, you know, to get, I was thinking of putting a little bowl of it on the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's because there's poopies. I'm so, I'm so mad. Why? Because I had such killer farts today. You did, I know. You let them all go. None of them got captured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Sorry. I'm sorry. That was a really cool fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys that are out there, they usually, there's a certain criteria, usually the way it looks and anyways, here's a new one. Oh nice. Already a great image. I don't want to hear it. Let's see what he has to say. Hear him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What other criteria? Well, uh, horrific camera angles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some type of either, uh, drug induced or mental delusions that lead to a rant that is aggressive in nature and or disturbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine this guy picks you up for a date. He's like, come check out this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could there be like some, could there maybe be like some paralysis or something going on? Like just the way that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he is religiously informed as well. This dude knows what's up for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like, uh, dolls and artifacts and stuff like that? And if you're like, nah, I don't wanna see that shit. He's like, you fucking idiot bitch. And you're like, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need to eat bread. Bread can get fat, no one's a fat bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, at first you're like, he goes, I'll get you a bus ticket home. And you're like, oh, I think it'll be, it's like 8.50. He's like, I'm not giving you the money, you stupid bitch. I'm not going to let you spend it wherever you want. I'm getting you a ticket so you can make sure that you spend the money on the ticket and not pocket it, try to get rich on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch, that was for the bus. For the bus. Use the money for what I fucking told you to use it for. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rouge! On your way home, you're on the bus, you're just like lost in that glow of love, that new relationship energy. Sure. And you're just like, wow, that was awesome. Do you think you're like immediately like, I gotta go out with him again? What's like the feel of Europe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No tires, front to back. I mean, you'll never have a tire question. In your life, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't stop. That show on TV. We have to wrap up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you will soon be having the videos up on Mondays here on the Your Moms House podcast channel. Excited. Uh, we'll play, we also will have a separate channel just for clips. We'll do highlights of your show there. Awesome. So that will, you can also subscribe to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just know KB from, uh, we're homies, right? We started off doing parties together. Him and his brother promote parties generally around porn events. So, from the start, the very first party I did with them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, a lot of people get it, but the majority of people don't get it. That part of the Too Short Legacy, the things that make certain songs timeless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it's, uh, it's very informative, very educational, very motivational. Absolutely. And it's, it's, it's almost like, uhm, like a motivational speaking technique thing. Sure. Because when I write songs, I don't write songs and, and say things like, everybody, I really rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From me to like one person. Yeah. And many listeners, like if you're in your car by yourself, you're like, this motherfucker's talking to me. Especially like songs like Getting It, it's like you're talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I write like that, so I just, I make references like I'm just talking to you and it makes everybody like act like they think they know me when they see me and all kind of shit, so it works, but, but when you add them all together,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the albums, all the songs, and just the ones that you gravitate towards, after a while you look back and go, too short taught me some shit. Yea man, absolutely, you did teach me some shit. She's looking at me like I'm crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta find a persona, you gotta figure out how to maximize presenting that and stuff. You know, same thing on the stage with comedy, whatever. Yes, yes. Same thing with acting methods and stuff, but you know, Big Daddy Kane, he, at some point, so many ladies wanted to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck him, I guess. He's like, he realized he was a sex symbol and he, he started, it was early days, he was just like an attack, an MC that would just attack you and just, just murder you on the microphone. And then he turned into a sex symbol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, doing shows, just uhm, I perfected my technique riding on the public transit bus with a big ass radio and rapping at like really hardcore ghetto house parties where two things, on the bus, if you plan some music to the public,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like loud and obnoxious and somebody's gonna say, turn that shit off. You're gonna get like, like, like some kind of back backlash. But, but people used to love my shit. And then at house parties, it's like, it's, you know, you're at a party where there's no rules, regulations. There's no security. There's, there's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who, uh, you know, have quick tempers. And they don't tolerate bullshit, so I used to go to those house parties and rock the really rough crowds and shit. And I knew I could do it and I was all confident, so later in life shit just was like, it was almost easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me to like, to present the too short persona. Nobody was doing that back in the day either. Rappers weren't really cursing a lot. They really weren't talking about pimp shit. It was a very new area. Like when he got that CD, he's like, pimpin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got caught listening to Too Shrugged when I was little and I got my ass whooped. Yeah, yeah. Oh, for sure. Like lots of ass whoopings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but uhm, my favorite is the one where uhm, you get to borrow mom's car or something, and you accidentally leave it. And then she gets in, and it's like, bitch!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to talk, but you know something else though, uhm, I was in high school, I started writing really dirty rhymes in high school. I learned early on, the first time I ever said a curse word,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, I said something like I had 10 hoes sucking 10 toes. And this was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in 10th grade and I play and people just laugh. Right. And I'm like, I'm about to write a song about all 10 of these hoes and tell you how I met them all and just tell you a story about my 10 hoes. And it just, it just escalated and, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I'm not, I just, I just swear I learned early on, man, that, that, that talking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love your music. She's like, don't really care for the words, but I love the music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a rap partner in high school and our, when we decided to try to sell our music in the streets, our first customers were drug dealers who were actively working. Really? So, cause the logic was, well if you want to sell it, who's got money? Right. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and instantly we, uh, we got, we got a drug dealer to buy one tape. And then, uhm, the other guys around were like, I want one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the next day we came back and sold them some more tapes. And it was each like a, a, a tape you had to make? You know what I mean? Cassette tapes. I would, I would uhm, we would record a tape and then we'd copy it a few times. Okay. And then uhm, literally the drug dealers who were like three or four blocks over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They heard about it and they sent word like bring us some of those tapes too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like everywhere they would congregate to sell drugs, we'd pull up and it started to be a thing. Like I never had to try to sell music at the supermarket or at school or anything. Only drug dealers and everybody...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we were in high school. We were really just trying not to work at McDonald's and shit like that. We were not trying to be stars. We just wanted to get the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so embarrassed. Hey short, give me my money back. It makes sense though. Yeah, thanks Kev. Can I get my money back? It makes sense still. It is, right? It does kinda make sense. But anyways. It didn't really dissolve though, it kinda just... Did you feel bad when you killed her with your nut?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go through the story. If the story starts off as, uh, she was a girl who did business with me. And she was terrible at her job. Her job was to actually go out and date men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And get their money. And bring you the money. But she was such a party girl, she'd fuckin' forget and like party and just- Right. She'd forget the part to say, pay me motherfucker. Yeah. So we, we call those thrill seekers. She wasn't really like about that, that get that money. Yeah. So I cut her loose. And I just randomly saw her one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing her little party girl thing, and I'm like, you know what, I'm just gonna step up to this angrily face fucker. So I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just, there was so much anger in it, so much, you know, uuuh. Yeah. If I can despise you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, uhm, considered accidental, you know what I mean? Right, right, right, yeaah. And it was a bunch of guys, you couldn't say who did it, there was no fucking, like, there was no DNA test or shit like that, so I was clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never been a pimp, but I have received money from prostitutes. Does that make sense? I mean, because just out of like love and admiration, is that why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grateful, like just being grateful. I learned things from you. Uhm, one girl gave me a complete stranger. Walked up and gave me $1,800 bills and said, one line she said, you the reason why I'm hoing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I looked at it, I counted it, I turned to my buddy, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it's not sincere, like, prostitutes really have been flirting with me, like, like I went on a date with a chick one night, and we went to breakfast at like five in the morning, and I didn't know she was a ho- she was a very nice looking young lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was questioning me a lot. I'm like, why the fuck are you asking all these questions? And she got offended. She's like, she's like, I thought she, I thought this was like an interview. I thought, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, oh, you're a, oh, oh, oh. You know, so things like that had happened periodically throughout my life and I think, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hang around so many pimps. I grew up around it. I really felt like it was an alternative choice as far as career options. But my parents really wanted me to go to college. They weren't super happy about the rap thing, but then they would have been really upset about the pimp thing if that happened. So uhm, along the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I learned a lot. Cause I would, I would actually study.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different thing, literature and stuff about pimping, you know, shit like Iceberg Slim. Just a lot of, it's a lot of shit out there that you can read on top of two short albums and, and, you know, two short songs. You can go out there and really study.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prime candidates would be like, okay, you're in Las Vegas and you had a few hoes and slowly but surely you lost all your hoes. You wake up one day, you got no hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's known, it's a known fact. You can jump on the highway, like maybe the 15, drive up to Salt Lake City, and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a great place to find hoes, you know what I mean? Why Salt Lake City?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a lot of cases strippers are like working every night making two, three hundred dollars. Bullshit money, yeaah. So you pull up in there in like some fly ass car with some fly ass jury asking questions like, how long you been dancing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also establishing one thing, that you don't fucking have great money managing skills. You don't. Because you're in a fucked up position right now. You really drive a fucked up car, you live in a fucked up place, and I don't. Stupid ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, so in Vegas though, literally though, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There have been times, I don't know the economic state right now, but I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure it's pretty good now. Cause it seems like a good time in the, in the country. As far as the economics, people having money. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, who cares? If you got a business deal, you can- Got you. You know, it could be like Sharon Stone in Casino. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Whatever it's like. Double life, whatever. Uhm, but you should just, the math is easy. You can make about five grand a week, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want five grand. No, I'm saying what do you want things? What do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They puttin' you on the stage when no money's out there, like just all kind of shit. And you're just like, you're like, this is bullshit. So what, what I would do is I would, uhm, tell you to go out on a date with a friend of mine's girlfriend. Just go, just go hang with her and watch what she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's going to take you to a hotel room and a guy who's already been pre-arranged is gonna come in and pay you guys two grand just to like dance or party and hang out with him and you might be expecting to have sex with him he's gonna be like, oh I just wanted to party.