[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta be honest, in public, I think you have a very standoffish personality. Me? Yes. Me. You are always like, I don't want to be bothered, I don't want to be told this, I'm not looking for talk. What? The guy's asking me that, like, you're very standoffish. Yea. Yea. Seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Behind closed doors, you're warmer, but to the general public, I don't find you to be very warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would answer if you asked him. That's the weird thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to go out to lunch and, uh, you just write that on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, I can't even wear that red dress anymore. So when they, when you come in on your next deposit date, if they have the dress on that you asked about, it's a good sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would, I don't know, it just seems like maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he was doing that. That's weird. I love when she plays this, um, this is like one of her personas is like, it's like a faux jealous wife. Yeah. Where she's like, he does it today. I do it to you all the time though. She sells it believable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that? No! Yea, but I told her the whole story. You did? Yea, she laughed. Did she love it? She thought it was funny. Is she cute? I go, uh, I go, I bought this for my wife. And I go, I said, oh, I said, you know, last time I saw you, I asked you about the perfume, I bought it for my wife, she loves it. She's like, oh, great. And then I remember and I go, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She asked me how I found it and I told her, it was somebody I worked with and she said, uh, I was some fucking whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was pretty cute. So, let's see what else he says here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're over it. If not, it's like, if you're with somebody that has to bring up the thing over and over, you can't be with that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just knew that it was mid-afternoon. I was like, it's not co-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I should have spoken up and been like, no, no, no, mom, switch your bet. Switch your bet. She was also like, I know, I know it's today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, if I'm not going to go to work, I could wear like the same thing for four or five days in a row. Same pants, same shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realized right now that when I was shooting that scene where I was a creeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I basically did an impression of my dad as the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I came up behind the girl and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she knows it's a battle that she cannot win. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another one. My dad pitched to my mom that in retirement,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her 74 year old ass could sit in the car with him and drive across America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, he doesn't like driving more now that he's in his seventies. He's like, you know, four or five hours. So they would spend a few days getting out of the state and then every, every few days they would still be in the same state, just sleeping at hotels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not for them. It's not even for him. That's how much he doesn't know it. It's not for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I understand if you haven't seen the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pacific Northwest. Beautiful. Yeah, a couple of the, you know, national monuments. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're in god damn west Texas, and you have 500 mile stretches, with just, you know, a couple gas stations, there's not even lights on the freeways, it's just pitch pitch black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I guess there is some cool stuff. But a lot of bullshit. That sounds terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, but I'm not going to get into it, okay? Painting, I mean I'll do... Does anything interest you? Uh, well, I like shooting, guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have the patience for fishing because I throw the thing over and then you have to wait for the fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but the trouble is with cars is, is as much as I like cars, there's so many limitations on where can I go 140.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. It's also narrower because you don't realize how much


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this is also your work, but it's fun, but it's your job. You know, getting on stage, it's your job. You have your family. There's, you have 26 minutes left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the older they get, you probably get into more things, like when they're toddlers and stuff, and the infants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm the same way. I always think of, I mean, I've said it, like, I like going to these workouts. I do like cars. I've always liked cars. Other than that, I mean, what would I have time for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More shit. No, it's like, you know, I'm getting on stage. I'm a movie star. I do my podcasts. I do all these things. I don't have that much time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, speaking as a movie star, I'll tell you that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Learn your line. Stand here. Say it again. Sign this autograph. Do the press. What can I say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. So in this movie, I can tell you, I don't wanna, like I said, I don't wanna give away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any major plot points? No, I really don't. Like, I mean, that's out of respect for the filmmaker and like, but I can say that there's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fight sequence? Holy shit, my appreciation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you, if you shot a scene like the one I did and then you watch...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one of the Bourne movies or John Wick or this new apparently or any of them, but the new Mission Impossible I heard is great and you see what Tom Cruise does. You really appreciate the physicality of it. I mean, I was fucking wrecked after filming a pretend fight scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're having you do like a real struggle and a real, you know, fall and it's dude. It was exhausting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude has to be, and by the way, they played a trailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like cause they're promoting the new one of what he did in this movie. You would shit your pants. Let me, let me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is supposed to be the best, people are saying that this is the best one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's insane. Look at this. Look at this from this new, the new mission of possible. Look at what Tom Cruise did. Hold on. Why is this not playing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. He did a solo... Parachute Jump too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't have to. You're not, I'm not impressed. I mean, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the stunt coordinator, he's worked in movies for 40 years with everyone. And uh, he told me some stories I can't tell, but he also told me he said he gets asked sometimes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause some of the actors, you know, do certain stunts and not, I said, is there any actor who could definitely, if he wasn't an actor, just be a full time stunt guy? And he was like, definitely Tom Cruise. He did a couple with him and he's like, yeah, he's a real deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I haven't heard this, but this is in our folder. It says Alonzo Vasquez, uh, the YMH mental illness posse cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see you next week. We have guests for the next few weeks and it should be really fun shows. We'll see you soon. Bye, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, he told me, right before we started, he goes, uh, I think I have an eating disorder. And I was like, yeah, you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? If you're constantly trying to change yourself and you get your self worth from whether or not you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skinny, you're not, you don't like yourself at its core enough. And I'm, I'm a person like that. You know, like I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone is, essentially, but it's, if you love yourself enough, all that other stuff doesn't matter so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He keeps on his shirt or whatever it is, like he thinks he owes that to people at this point, and I relate to that, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And which I tried to tell him during his show, and I meant it as like, your honesty, whatever you're going through, just, your, your honesty is never gonna change. You can stop drinking, you can wear different clothes, but like, your core honesty, and that's what people love about him and about you and about you guys is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, yeaah, it's all- I quit drinking and I really struggled with who I would be on the other side of that because it was everything to me and it was- Was it really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drank every single night and I looked forward to it and all my friendships and all my relationships and sex and comedy. Everything was wrapped around drinking. When I was going to drink, I'd celebrate with a drink. I would pregame with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I did hit a bottom, so there was a moment, but it was a slow build up because I was drinking all the time, I was blacking out very easily, like it always reminded me of that John Mulaney joke where he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got to the point where I'd have like one drink and your body would be like, well, we know where this is going. We're going to bed. And it would just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you would, I would black out from like a couple beers. What? Because that's, because my brain did, it's exactly his joke. Your brain knows, we know where this is going, it never stops at two beers. Let's just turn off the lights now and save some energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that right? I didn't know that happened. So I would, I would black out very easily and uhm, and I never did anything that I like super regretted or dangerous when I drank, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hangover was destroying my life, I couldn't function anymore, and I was just starting to get things, like I just, I remembered, the impetus was kind of uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, uhm, a pilot at MTV to do a talk show that turned into a show, but I remember thinking I'm not gonna be able to film this and write this if I'm hungover even like every day, cause I would always have a hangover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and so I was like, so I got a book, because I quit smoking with this book called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I knew he had written another book called The Easy Way to Stop Drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I'm ready to stop drinking, I can just grab it and go for it. And uhm, I had a particularly terrible hangover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 9th, 2011 in Cleveland, from like a couple craft beers, woke up the next day and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm dying, like I feel like this is the way you feel when you're like getting, like I don't know what cancer's like but this is what, like I feel like I can't walk, I can't function. Just miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like in the shower, curled up in the corner just shivering and being like, I don't want to feel this way until I'm actually dying because that's the way I feel and I did this to myself and I'm fucking done. I'm just done. I'm tired of feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I flew home and grabbed the book and I just read through it and it worked on me and it really was easy. I mean it was, it was as easy as I could ever have imagined it would be. And I did, my friends did change, my relationships did change, but like all for the better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I didn't know who I was gonna be sober, but it turns out I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way more vulnerable and interesting and all the things that I was kind of just like drinking to not even address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy John again. I don't even know that Tommy had as good of a showing as you and he was like the one that I thought going in that year was the one to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember his like energy was obnoxious cause he was very confident and we were all like not. And we just didn't really care for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can be the, we're the, the aging whore. The loose vagina jokes. The drunk whore. And uhm, and it's a shame that I'll never be able to roast Natasha because no roast will ever have two women of the same age range in. And it's tired of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's the funny thing is like a lot of jokes get written about me having no tits, which I, I, I register as someone with maybe a flat chest, but I actually like when I dress up, you can tell that I have, I have sneaky big tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so a lot of- Sneaky big tits. Yea, they're sneaky, like people don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I think my like, I just like sit in a way, but it is fun because whenever I hook up with a guy and they like, they have no idea and then I take off my shirt and I always have like, oh my god, like it's always, that's a fun moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so guys, and also they're gonna call me a whore, and I like don't, I'm not really a whore, I've slept with 16 guys, which as a woman who's been single most her life is nothing. That's it? That's your number? I know, it's nothing, and that's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I could get, I know I could get just some random dick if I wanted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And, cause I was so fucking horny. Like, I literally don't like to just have casual sex, but I'm like, I need a dick. Like, I just needed it that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he eat and then I go, okay, uh, I'll hear, talk later. He just never wrote and it's been like five days since and nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the one that is texting me pictures of his dick in his pants, like it, like cloth, but like you can see it, like, and saying I wanna fuck you here, and so I go, you know what, I don't take this guy seriously, he's just throwing this out so casually, he's not asking me out on a date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he just shared one and it looked like a baguette in his pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's a breakout of some kind. Oh, that's a good point. It could be an STD breakout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good point. I think that no comedians want to date me and that's okay. And it makes total sense because no, they sh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, I've dated too many of them, I talk too openly. Have you dated too many?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the name of the podcast, and it is uhm, like a com-com-com-comedy seller comic, Samarill, uh, Joe Mackey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Liz, who I don't know her last name, but she's the manager at the Comedy Cellar, they have a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's literally like my best friend, like my most trusted friend, like my person I call when I'm in a jam, like really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so in love with him, so in love with him, and then when, on the, on the other side, there's a lot of things that happen, but on the, on the other side of the 11 years when we reconnected, uhm, we kinda reconnected cause we both got single and he had reached out to be friends and I was like, I'm not ready, and then I got single and I was like, oh, that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a pretty good time 11 years ago, so I wanna have sex right now. I just got out of a relationship. I'll call up Pete Lee. Let's rekindle this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we, he, he was flying to LA to come, like, sleep with me, essentially, like, for us to, like, start something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, 11 years later and we're talking on the phone a lot and we're reconnecting and we're both kind of like, this might be something again. And he's flying to LA to like, to see if that's the case and uhm, on his flight he met, he was sitting next to and met the woman he now lives with and is going to marry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just met us. On the flight. On the flight. And, but all of, they just met and were like friendly and it was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel like even kissing like it just isn't there like I love you and you're right and I and then we got high which made it like worse and I was like I just have to tell you like I don't I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel this, I feel like such a friend vibe with you and I'm sorry and he's like, I feel it too and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Banana. So this girl he met on the plane is, they're now living together. They're engaged?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, she's the cool- she- I had dinner with them last night, she was texting me this morning about men, and she's like, I have a new theory for you for something you should try, cause I think you talk too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just talked about this on Burt's podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot. Not a lot, but like, here's my problem, is that like, I can't mention of some of the ones I've slept with because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, like I just, I just talked, I dated Dan Soder for a little bit and then I also had like a Pete Lee type thing with him where he hurt me and I really tried to make him feel as bad as I felt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I used to be, I learned from Dan Soder, like, I can't do that to anyone ever again, because what I, essentially what is happening when that, when I am vindictive and like want you to feel my wrath is like, I still love you, and my love has just turned to the other side of hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just like, whatever the idea of that was. Cause I really was like, oh, I'm gonna marry this guy. Like, and I met him in college. So I really, he gave me my first orgasm, which is the, the worst thing that could've.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and so I think now dating comedians enough of them have heard the way that I can be if you do cross


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've tried. I mean, where do I meet them? I've tried dating apps and Raya is the one that's supposed to be a little more selective and it's just DJs jumping off of yachts. That's what I call it. It's so gross. And like comics are just more


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I feel like I need a guy who kind of wants, I don't know, like writers to me are always like a comedy writer, like I've never met a comedy writer that I'm like, that guy would throw me up against a wall and like choke me a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love models. I love models. I'm not, I'm not hot enough for models. They can fuck other models. It's just, I'm not. Listen, I do all right. I like, I'm a fine looking lady, but I ain't a ten. And they, they only bang tens. The models? Yea, model guys who are tens, they're not gonna bang a comedy nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like, I can do pretty well for myself, but like, I do love- I just love a fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is insane that this- like this is what makes me realize that fame doesn't mean fucking anything because like how can this person be so famous and I have no- and I'm tuned in, I'm plugged in and I have no idea who he is!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I mean though, like, but I guess we can't, we just can't relate to what it feels like to wanna be American famous, cause that's what they, they do want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you realize that like we're becoming like a ch- like people used to wanna be us and now-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I was just, yeah, I, I, I don't march. I don't do, I don't do enough. I don't call congressmen. I've done it before, but like I'm not, I'm not doing it currently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the goal? Like you guys have this, I feel like this life is my goal. Like your house and like this. Suburban dreams. Like it seems like you guys are like kind of killing it. Like what more could you want? Like what more do you want? Literally, I'm asking you, like what more do you want? What could you see yourself like? You want to be able to send your kid to private school?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I want is to be able to afford food, vacations, take care of the people I love, and boom, we're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why they got that far is because it's never gonna be enough. And I just want it to be enough at some point. Like I want, like rolling up here and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, no, this is what I want. It's a little more tucked away. It's like more spread out. There's like, I just was walking up and I go, yeah, I just want a gate where someone goes, who is it? And then it just opens and your friend walks in and sees you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the, circling back to like, why comedians probably don't want to date me, is like, I'm not going anywhere. I will be doing this the rest of my life because I do have an insatiable hunger for this career and, and what I want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the joke was like I can never show like enough restraint to not just bick at all. Like I'm always like I'll leave a little and then it's like cutting your bangs where you just keep going and then you're like I have some spiky bullshit hanging because I couldn't just have any but with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are these so long? Did I sit on a nest of daddy long legs? That was the line. That's what it is. They're just like these long scraggly hairs back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, does it, if you have diarrhea, does it get like, stuck? I can't even imagine. Like, do you have to do, you have wipes for sure? We have bidets. Oh, okay. But your whole life though, has it just been like, scraping shit out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it random, but sometimes like when you're, when I'm having like kind of BDSM type sex with my ex boyfriend where he'd be like, you're going to do this now. Like he could go like, I'm going to fuck you in the ass. And I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we, we got to the point where I shit on him a couple of times. Like, if it happens, it happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you, yeah, if you're not, like, my whole point is though, and I do a whole bit about this in my dumb act, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't hurt, like, it hurts as much as like a good shit feels. And like, I'm talking about a good shit where you're like, yeeees, like those like orgasmic shits. That's the way it feels. It's great. But I don't like shitting that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the main thing, I think we need to talk about that more than anything because I think a lot of girls will say, I don't want to do it because it hurts and I'm like, you're just scared of shitting on someone and that's okay because that is the truth and it's terrifying and guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will happen if you do it enough, and uhm, there's two ways it can go. When I shit on my boyfriend the first time that I shit on him, and we had done it a couple times before then, and I thought I was like, I don't do it. It goes away for some reason for me when I have anal sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, like, uhm, no, because I don't know from his angle, but from what I can experience, it's like when you, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it chunky or is it like, there's different, I think it's different kinds. Like it's happened to me enough that like there's been different, there's never been a whole lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's, when he stops, that's when it's like, uh oh, because I think each, like when this has happened, they try to keep going and maybe get over it, you know, and maybe just come and call the night. But like, they're just grossed out as they should be because there's shit on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Glaze. He called me Glaze, cause, uh, he goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's been an incident. I think he said there's been an incident. And I was like, oh no. And he was like, it's totally fine. And this, and I love, this is where I fell in love with him because he was so nice to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I uhm, I just remember him being like, it's okay, it's okay, and I'm like, and this is a guy who doesn't like poop jokes, doesn't like fart jokes, like doesn't really, toilet humor like really made him uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just grew up in a house where it just wasn't okay, and so he, he just didn't like it. So I thought, this is the end of us. He's seen me shit. He's never gonna speak to me again, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wind up in his shower, just like, in there, traumatized. I literally was like, I gotta kill myself. Like, I can't see him again. Like, this is off, like, I have to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sneak out of here somehow. And I remember he came into the, like, after a couple minutes, he came and he was like, Hey, are you okay? And I was like, I am so embarrassed. I can't even like, I can't look at you. And he just like held me and was like, listen,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for, that was the nicest thing you could say in this moment because it took some, he took some responsibility as well. Which was, really meant a lot to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why you clean up, but I mean like, doesn't poop juice, when you're shitting, kind of maybe creep down to your vag-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, the thing is, you don't do it, like, you use a lot of lube, and generally your asshole, like, I find it relaxes if you're, like, already coming in other way. Like, if you're already turned on down there, like, you've seen enough porn where, like, girls are gaping. You get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she get wet from doing this? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, I'm a one-man band. I have three different toys, and none of them are working anymore. I'm like, that's why the other night I was like, I just need to have sex. Like, I give up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend had that skin surgery done and she has to like, and she's a super hot lady and no guy ever sees it coming and she has to like give a talk to them before they get naked and I'm like, you gotta stop with this talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she lost, like, uh, over a hundred pounds and is like a smokin' hot babe now, and you would never, ever know.


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[Assistant] Always well, always well, but she's always like a little bit nervous to give the talk and I was like, you can stop giving that talk. I feel like guy, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, what do you feel? Like if you were about to hook up with a girl and you got her clothes off and she has crazy ass scars, would you say something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they do. I don't know any story of any friend of mine who's ever encountered one where the guy's been like, hey, I just want to let you know. It's like, why not do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to be. Yeah, they have to know. If I had like a crazy, big vagina, I guess that's what a micropenis would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that it's necessary, but I would probably do it too, now that I think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quote-unquote worse, whatever you wanna, but I definitely don't have a porn little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's why I didn't have sex until I was 21. Like I was terrified that a guy would touch it and be like throw up on me and be like, you're disgusting, tell all those friends. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Because do you want to know why, how it started? Dane Cook, harmful if swallowed, does a bit about going down on a girl with long labia and he says it's like getting caught in the stage curtains of his high school. It's this funny bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and everyone in the audience like, like it killed and it was the first time that I was like, wait a second, what, what is he talking about? And then I kind of looked into it and I was like, oh, I'm disgusting. And people would laugh at me and guys would talk about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've talked to him about this bit because I wrote a piece for Cosmo about my vagina and how I used to hate it and I came to like accept it, not love it, but be like, ah, this is what it is and I've never had a complaint. You clean it and you share it with people and they're psyched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Dane like reached out to me after I like, cause I called him out in the thing being like, it was the first time that I realized, oh, I have a disgusting vagina according to some men. You know, you hear like roast beef, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls fucking hate themselves because of these jokes that are being made. Sure. And they're getting surgery that I was saving up for to get my labia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called labiaplasty, it is one of the most common surgeries, uh, uhm, what's it called, uh, it's elective surgeries that you can get. Uhm, and young girls are doing it, because porn, there's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no vaginas like ours in porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if they're talking about your pussy, like, negatively, or calling you roast beat, whatever, it's like, they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] UUP on Sirius. If you have Sirius, you can listen to UUP every morning, uhm, from 10 to 12 East Coast on Channel 95 Comedy Central Radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people take pictures like in New York of like the Statue of Liberty, I'm like go Google it. Like every angle has been covered of this. You're not doing anything new. Why do you need this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, that's what podcasting's for. It really is. And radio. I'm like, I'm retiring into radio. Great. No, no makeup, no hair, even though I have to now wear that stuff because hot guys are coming in studio and I'm a thirsty bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Jack now. Oh yea, Nicholson doesn't look too good. But he's not working. No!


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[Assistant] Oof, Rosie. Rosie O'Donnell. She's always been just that.


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[Assistant] I just wanted you to be aware that this is kind of what I do and it's part of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. When I'm actually engaging in it, I wear a bit as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably will need your help a little bit getting this on. Oh, that's why. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm gonna have to move your mane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just hated pooping so much that I figured poop is excess food or whatever. Oscar loser.


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[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean, just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know. Cause I've been there.


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[Assistant] And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me.


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[Assistant] I'll make you feel like a woman, a real woman. And believe me, after you experience me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go full throttle. I could see me falling in love with you. With you. I don't know, I just looked in your eyes and I just melt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyhow, I'm heading off to work. This is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything. Every square inch from crown molding to chair rail to floors to lighting to plumbing, doors, windows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is the type of guy you get. A very handy guy. Right. I'd love to build you whatever you want. Thanks. You're a sweetheart. So, I hope this video doesn't scare you, but that's how I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sucking some dick and you're doing it a little bit too, too uhm, too much. You know, you may throw up over the cock. It's a number of things. But you're just kinda like, hey, whatever. Hope, hope I can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the pregnancy scramble, it's gonna make both of us dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a time when your intestines just get pushed all the way up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I tried though the squatty potty today and that actually really helped.


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[Assistant] No, I kind of want to stick my hand. You ever have the impulse to put your finger in your butthole to pull out the turd? No. I do. It's imagination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. I'm so afraid of that. Would you let me do that to you?


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[Assistant] It is half the point. It's kinda crazy. You really aren't the halfway mark. Theoretically. I mean, if you're lucky.


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[Assistant] The good thing is though, stand-up comedians, because we tend to use our minds, they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can work for, I mean look at Milton Berle, how old was he? We always- Old. Either we die really young or very old.


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[Assistant] Phyllis Stiller like 96 and she was still performing at like 94 or something.


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[Assistant] I think what we've been talking about is that you can't party at 50 like you did in your 20s. Cause I think that accelerates the aging process.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even, uh, numnuch Jerry Lewis, right? Is he still alive?


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[Assistant] Definitely. And just keeping your mind sharp and performing. You gotta keep your sword sharp.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is your last hurrah. However, I feel like your mother will outlive us. I feel like she's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope they stick around. I love your folks. Yeah, I do too.


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[Assistant] Now, I'm craving Domino's 24-7 with this one. I just don't do it. I don't eat it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I'm not sure what the tactic is here. Is it to shame her or to woo her in with his submission? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she's gonna come with a fury and a really tight dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why we're married. Yeah, I, I, I'm more intrigued with this. All the things going on visually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm more intrigued with the selection of which teeth he chose to keep.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I'm just saying, why keep the entire bottom row of teeth and then none of the top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the bottom is really grey and yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why preserve just those? Like you... You can't. Clearly you're capable of keeping some of them. Why not try to keep all of them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only because this guy's mouth smells of booze too. This one here? Soaked in booze. It smells like a warm beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like this guy. This guy's been drinking all day.


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[Assistant] Your mom's house has broken so many video genres, uh, the boring videos. And really boring so many stars. And the fart videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The excited dad boner videos. And now we're breaking the overly excitable sexual request videos. It's just exciting when we come up with a new genre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, with the guy with the breathing and the COPD, is that the word? Uhm, his closet was behind him and you could see how disheveled his living was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disorganized mentally too. Now who do you think is the most fucked up? So the COPD guy, the piss on me, beat me, now we've got Julian Fellow's teeth, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really think, no, let me just hear, let me hear if you're hearing your argument correctly. You're saying that the piss on me beat me guy, when sober, is somehow sane, like he could be like you or me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, cause he's, I think the CLPD guy also has delusions.


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[Assistant] Right. Hyperparanoid. Now what about the right now, right now, right now, right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there might be an element of mania to that. Right now, right now, right now. That may not just be drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's mania. That sounds like mania. You know what, all good questions for Dr. Drew next time he gets in here. He can, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this guy. Okay, so now that we've gone through all of our sickos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might just genuinely be an old school, 100% homegrown, SF pervert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause he seems sober. I would say that he's sober in that video. He's kinky, he's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll come in, uhm, he'll get off of his bicycle and he'll be wearing like the tight bicycle shorts and like the clicky clicky shoes or something and he'll come in and he'll be annoying. And he'll be gross, like you said, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's not mentally- I don't think he's mentally ill. I think he's just got a kink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we'll see, you know, then again, I feel that way about a lot of these guys. Excuse me, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I hope he finds his, uh, tatted white slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's very hangy, that second chin. Uhm. Yours reminds me of? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, here's the thing. I am by no means a supermodel. I don't think Tom claims to be a model. We're not in show business for our looks. But I do know that when a camera is on me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to look good, like even today, I have makeup, it's Sunday, I'm pregnant, I don't wanna put on makeup, I do. Cause I know the internet is watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're on camera, you should just try to clean up a little bit of what's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I'm trying to say. Work with what God gave you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hygiene, you know, grooming, basic grooming stuff. That's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the beard is meant to kind of conceal your imperfections, which I'm all for. I get it, now his mistake was that he tried to contour his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now as a beard kind of story yourself, what are you, so what are you suggesting he should do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I, I think you're, you're out of your fucking mind here. I think that you've officially gone over to my team of Euro trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how it happened, you and I kinda switched places here. Uh, I think if you were to land in Budapest today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legit one of my cousins, but the only thing you need are some white jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's, you know, you're still looking too American here. But that is a wild jacket. For those of you listening, he's wearing a, like a tie-dye, powder blue, Adidas old school three-stripe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's funny that what everybody remembers of a man's life is his farts. That's pretty impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they said that he was really big with the ladies. Everybody was curious about what kind of horse cock this guy had on him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's not, it's more of a novelty thing. I don't think you'd want that on a regular, I mean at least personally. It's kind of like giving birth to a kid all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How big were his nuts? That's more, I think that's even funnier, like, carrying around those big ass...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The travel burdens and then getting on airplanes and having to take up two regular economy seats.


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[Assistant] Most importantly, and I don't know if you're ready to bring it up, but I'm so excited. I'm so chomping at the bit, uh, to start talking about this cause we sat around yesterday. Yeah. And I've been thinking about it ever since. Okay. I mean, are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the friend goes, you know what, actually we're not gonna eat them. We're pretty health conscious. And we're like, we are too. We just thought it would be funny. We haven't had donuts in forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like heavy and I like some chocolate frosting. I like my sprinkles on there.


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[Assistant] But uhm, fuck anything with like a jelly filling. I fucking hate that. Like, I don't like those. Uhm, what else do we hate? What else do you hate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a bear claws I can tolerate for like two bites and then I'm really over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I do however enjoy a Krispy Kreme, and I know that's not a cake donut, if it's super fresh and hot. And hot, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, I like the cake version. I don't, I hate the mushy, whatever the fuck that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're old fashioned. No, it's not old fashioned. It could be either or. You can get them old fashioned holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, what's your favorite? Let's start there. Like what is, what's the donut that you can eat the most of?


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[Assistant] You could do more than a few of those. Like that's what you want to eat multiples of is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those, so which one, okay, so here's the thing though. If you're gonna do a challenge, which I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but Tom, but wait, before you call him, we need to determine what type of donut this will be. Okay, cause here's our thinking, okay, we were talking about this yesterday. There's the regular cake donut, let's say chocolate with chocolate frosting. Yeah. Versus the donut hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, a lot of people will be like, oh, clearly it's harder to eat the whole donut with the frosting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could eat, you know, more of the holes, so many more holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I can only eat like two or three of those before I start to feel kind of ill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's deceptive and I think maybe he's flying cause it goes straight to voicemail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, so let's, let's talk about your number then, versus what you think he's gonna say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tell me, what are you comfortable with? Here's the, here's the deal, we're going to set up the parameters with BERT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks. Here's the thing I don't want to see. I don't want the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot dog eating the Nathan's thing where you're cramming and it's a quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? It doesn't have to be that. It can be like at a leisurely enough of a pace. I'm talking, I wanna see volume. I wanna see... I wanna see quantity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12 sounds good. A donut, a 2, 3. There you go. That's plenty. 12 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then maybe we just make your number lower so that he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Higher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to, he's going to try it out, do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's the other question. Do we go store-bought Entenmanns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom used to get those shitty ass Entenmanns, uh, the, the powder ones with the red jelly in the middle or the hostess. She was so fucking nasty, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knew? I mean it was an interesting choice that my father chose to go to Vietnam over attending his only grandchild's baptism. That in and of itself was a fun thing to deal with. What is a maze?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I wonder how many have- Thank you for pulling that. Yeah, that was amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many half Vietnamese brothers and sisters I have.


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[Assistant] Like, how many siblings do you think I have worldwide is the real question. There's no way it's none. There's no way it's none! I mean, he's been straight bangin' since...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1980, I would say? Like, hardcore dropping seeds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like your dad, he is not of the generation that's like responsible for s- you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, international clip dumps. For a long, since 1980, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of his adult life has been spent just BAM! BAM!


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[Assistant] There is no way. I bet you man, I'll bet you when he kicks it, I'm gonna have people coming out of the woodwork, like, I'm your half brother, I'll be like, you fucking do look like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a half Vietnamese brother or sister, that'd be crazy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it'd be nice to have siblings. I mean, I am an only child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was watching, uh, Britain's, was it called Shuttons? Britain's fattest people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's only where the folds of fat are that these people would take a wet rag and wash between the creases. You want to deodorize the places that are mashed together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, tremendous. I mean, it's all in stones. You know, like 28 stone. I'm like, I don't know what that shit is. I had to look it up, but pretty massive people. That's a good one. Britain's, Britain's, um, baddest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, neither will I. And I believe it builds a resilience, a tolerance to these types of bacteria. It's fine. You and I have not gotten sick so far. Uh, you gotta, you gotta live your life. I can't, I can't be worrying about every fucking germ. True. You know what I mean? True that. Now, Tom, this one's for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna like this, but uhm, in light of our open defecation conversation a while back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one comes in from CJ Foster. He says, Whoa, hold on Christina P and Tom Segura. Tom said he never opened defecated. What about the poo pile and his friends that him and his friends had hashtag serious news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yea CJ, thank you and the many others. The tweets that poured in, the emails. Tom, I'm gonna ask you on behalf of all the mommies watching and listening. What about the poo pile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you're, you're saying your interpretation was that as long as there is a designated location for somewhere to poop, it's, it's, it's not considered open. I mean, I thought so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not many places you should poo. The toilet is the only place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I would like some kind of a testimony, maybe a lie detector situation. I'm serious, I'm so sick of not knowing the truth behind this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I want a lie detector test about this fucking poo pile, and I think the listeners deserve it. We can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great! Donut challenge, and then after that lie detector test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, look how nervous you look already. I see the fear in your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yet when the subject of pooping outside came up, it didn't even trigger a memory inside of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As friends. Now, walk me through this again at the poo pile, that there's a ladder, and then you mean to tell me that you hang your ass off the top of the ladder, you're sitting down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you draw a diagram? Yea, I can draw a diagram for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's try to make this lie happen. Go ahead. Shuriana. Brownlock here, in effect. Did I say I spent two weeks at law school? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, what time of year did the poop aisle take place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you mean to tell me in the humid, uh, southern, balmy summer night, summer day, you guys were taking turns shitting on a pile of poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're trying to tell me. And where was this in proximity to your living space?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there. So you guys probably had windows open too for summer breezes and such, and you didn't mind the stench of a poo pile coming into your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Room? It didn't bother you guys to be next to a sewage dump?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what you're telling me? And you had girls coming over and looking at your pile of shit? A number of them. Oh bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's a woman out there that saw the poo pile, let me know. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other words, you know what I mean? Like a child would use for a tree house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I was born yesterday? No, I'm serious. Yana, this is baloney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I understand a bunch of 20 year old guys, and their primary motivation is to get laid, not to shit on top of each other's shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and the more you tell the story, the more senseless it becomes and the less sense it makes and the more detail, the more webs of lies that go into the poo pile. It's, it's utter nonsense. This is nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite. Now these are two very talented individuals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two really super talented people, and this is annoying the shit out of me. This is terrible. I could listen to Ella Fitzgerald sing all day, but this is fucking nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the people sitting next to that guy. It's like your cousin Brian in the front. Your cousin Brian would love something like this. This is my face right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I'm saying? This is the same audience member who thinks that like, uhm, remember that movie that came out a while ago that was silent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't sound, it just sounds like a, like you said, a two year old playing pretend. Yeah. It's annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna quit comedy, we're just gonna do scat from now on. Yeah. There's such a demand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I wanted to read another email that came in, or tweet, rather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last time we were asking, how is it that tattoo artists learn how to tattoo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This came in from left handed Morty on Twitter and he writes, hey, tattoo artists practice on pig skin before they ever tattoo a person. Pig skin is very similar to human skin and if you wrap it around a mannequin body part, it is a great training tool for aspiring tattoo artists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so, he's so phony. It just reads so false, doesn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when uhm, he was like, he was interrupted doing Studio G for his birthday and he was like, is this supposed to happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's fuck, and he corrected her kind of, he was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I can't. It's too, it's too sad. I feel sad for him. It's a hard job he already has. I know that. It's so bad for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Called empathy, babe. I got it. I feel really bad for that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy. What? It's not for me babe. It's not for me. I make life, I don't destroy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely has the laugh and the... He's amused with himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck good. You're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at 23.95?


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[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at $23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man.


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[Assistant] He is a stand-up comedian and on a recent Netflix, uh, show he did some jokes and he did some stand-up about specifically here in Lafayette and Louisiana as a whole and Cajuns.


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[Assistant] I have to say, when I heard it the first time,


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[Assistant] What's with you and the balls lately? You seem to be on a ball thing. I mean, I just opened the folder. It's here. Oh, it's blue.


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[Assistant] This guy, just out there, using Top Dog's name. I like his raps and flows though.


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[Assistant] You're like, you know we're not on. You know, because I had gotten into like, well, like I'd started to tell the story as if I were broadcasting. Good call on that. Because I was about to make a fool out of myself.


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[Assistant] Come on! I like being a professional broadcaster that I've learned how to do it myself.


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[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't think, no, I don't, I don't think I heard anything. I was just, you know, desperate and, uh, you know, had done some radio before. Uh huh. I liked it. Uh, and I was, uh, just spiraling down a dark drain. Really? Yeah. I didn't really listen to podcasts, podcasts, but I knew.


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[Assistant] That people did them. So when I lost my last job at the outlet that I was at, like at Air America doing a video thing,


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[Assistant] Uh, I asked my producer, I'm like, can you figure out how to do this? I mean, you know, Corolla went right from radio, but then there was people like Kevin Smith and Jimmy Pardo, right? And, uh,


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[Assistant] Right, there was a few of guys I knew. Okay. Right, and it wasn't that many. There were podcasts out there, but the guys I knew of were Corolla, Pardo, Jimmy Dore, uh, and Todd Glass had a show, Kevin Smith's Little Empire. But outside of that, I think like Benson and Rogan and


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[Assistant] Like, we couldn't figure out how to make money. You know, there was no, you know, you couldn't, either you closed a gate on it.


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[Assistant] Where my entire house was just envelopes. Like I made, I made this mailing list and it was just me and I had a roommate cause I was doing so shitty at that time and she was helping me. We just had just, we were mailing


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[Assistant] It carried us for a while because none of us knew how to make money.


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[Assistant] There was just no mid-roll. There was no real ads. I mean, I had Just Coffee, uh, who, who I carried over, who, you know, they, they charged, I, I charged him like 400.


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[Assistant] That, you know, held over from radio a little bit, but they, I didn't do politics anymore, but they still hung out. We, it was really only about a year or so ago where we realized that there were still people giving $10 a month.


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[Assistant] And we had, and we had to be like, hey, you know, you really don't have to do this anymore. Yeah. You know, thanks a lot. Cause it was like, it wasn't a hidden charge or anything. They see it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But I, I don't have the greatest, I learned how to stop and pause and not uh too much, but I don't think I'm, I'm very good at classic broadcasting, but it doesn't matter if you make it your own as you know. Yeah, you have uh, you have your own thing going. Yeah, and once you learn how to talk by yourself,


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[Assistant] You know, it's, uh, that was a big breakthrough. That was the biggest breakthrough is when I had a guest host someone's radio show. I was like fucking three hours, dude, alone.


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[Assistant] But you had breaks and you had, but back then you're like, you're only doing like, you're, you got six minute break each half hour. So you do like 10 to 12 minutes. So you're in your mind, but I just ramble and it was, it was so scary. Did you give yourself a set list where you're like, I gotta hit something? A little bit, uh, sometimes, but then I had to talk specifically about stuff.


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[Assistant] But one day like it just clicked and I was like, uh, I, I can do this. It's a great, I mean, I don't have to tell you. It's a great.


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[Assistant] Oh, I don't, I don't wanna, you know, shock anybody, but I've, I've been a scumbag before.


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[Assistant] I don't know if that surprise is, you know, there was that time in my life where I was kind of an asshole and, and, and there's still flurries of it. I have asshole flurries even now. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I just think, uh, well, specifically in relationships, I think that my, my, my first, my second marriage was a bit of a disaster and it was a disaster because I was an emotionally immature, a jealous, resentful, insecure fuck.


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[Assistant] Well no, that guy in glow is probably not as volatile. You know, that guy in glow...


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[Assistant] He doesn't have a lot of self-awareness. He's not that self-conscious. You do have the benefit of the period.


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[Assistant] To anybody who lived then and even now.


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[Assistant] But I think that as the series goes on, it feels like he's finding a little heart, and I think there's a dynamic that's going on between me and Alison Brie's character that is very revealing, cause I don't...


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[Assistant] You see this stuff, you get the script and you kind of go through it and I don't know how it's going to feel or where it's going to go, but it, it's gotten pretty, um, it's pretty wild. Cause I, I'm a pretty big dick in the second.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, with her, primarily, I think with Allison, for some reason. Something is going on there. That episode at the abortion clinic is kind of mind-blowing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it wasn't some big moral conflict, it was just sort of what needed to be done, and she had decided, and I was just there to, uh, to hang out.


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[Assistant] But when I just, I used to live in Boston. And right around the corner from me was a family planning clinic. And there was always a dude out front with the, you know, butchered babies.


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[Assistant] Cute. And I was like, that's sad.


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[Assistant] Are you talking about the suburban works? The suburban, no, the suburban improv.


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[Assistant] That guy is uh, Michael Swartz. Michael Simmons, Simon's old sous chef. And I always forget his name. And I always talk about that restaurant, the Greenhouse Tavern. That's my fave too.


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[Assistant] Michael, well Michael Simon. But you're right, Jonathan. Is the guy, is his old boss, he's got the restaurant down the street.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. That's right.


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[Assistant] It's just all corned beef. I've been there twice after fucking morning radio. Guys, you wanna go get corned beef? I'm like, sure. What time is it? Nine? That sounds great.


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[Assistant] So I just, I just eat fish now. But, uh, but there's a couple of places like that where you just gotta do it. There's that place in Montreal, uh, Pied de Couchon, I think it's called.


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[Assistant] And now they know me because I never shut up about it. Cause everyone talks about Austin barbecue, about Franklin and about all the other ones, but this one.


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[Assistant] Some food critic that I met in Austin years ago told me about Opie's. It's about 25 miles out in this place called Spicewood. And it's the experience you want to have. Cause you got to drive there and you pull up to something that looks like a, uh, a hanger.


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[Assistant] And it just says barbecue on like Opie's on it. And you go in and there's an, an old, uh, it's almost like an open casket situation.


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[Assistant] Prince is the original strip mall hot chicken. Like, it's like, you go in, it's kinda ghetto, I can say ghetto still, right?


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[Assistant] The institution? That's better, yeaah. No, but like you go in and she, you know, the woman who owns Prince's is in the back somewhere in this window. You walk in, there's a lot of commotion going on. The last time I was there, there was an armed guy out front.


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[Assistant] And, uh, but it's like the original hot chicken place. And I, you go in, there's a window, there's still a payphone there, there's like four booths.


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[Assistant] But, like, I swear to God, it's the original, and the people, they tell you, like, don't, don't even, don't, the extra hot is not, don't even think about it. Dude, this was bad. It was a, like, you had to do it, I had to do it. I've been there, I went there with Kanaan once, I dragged him there, but after, I had, I was there with Singer, the first time, and a couple other dudes. Yea, Ryan Singer. Yea. And, uh, I'm like, gotta get the hot.


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[Assistant] But it's completely, uh, you know, a mind numbing.


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[Assistant] sensory experience, like it's horrible, but you're like, I gotta do it. And how far do you, do you go all the way through it? Or are you just like, well yea, you have a breast, you got the white bread, that's not gonna do nothing, but you went, you're like, I'm gonna eat the whole thing.


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[Assistant] Well I think some of it has to do with uhm, you know, like with brisket, the thyme.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and even with the ribs, like, cause like Texas, not much sauce. It's rubs, it's all dry.


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[Assistant] There used to be one in Beverly Hills. Right, it used to be like a thing. And then when it franchised out and became garbage.


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[Assistant] You can get kinda good barbecue wherever, so that's why I can't, I don't do that. Like, I'll eat indigenous food where it is supposed to be eaten.


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[Assistant] Like, if there's no barbecue, like if you, you know, if I'm in Vermont, and they're like, there's a great barbecue place here, I'm like, there's no fucking barbecue in Vermont. I won't do it. What do those people eat in Vermont? Apples? Sure, maple syrup, I think. Apples. Cheap. I don't know.


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[Assistant] I don't know what's going on there. New England food. There is New England food, but like you go to Atlanta, it's not barbecue. Like I went on some weird quest for something called Brunswick stew because like,


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[Assistant] I used to do that because I don't do drugs or nothing. I don't drink no more. So like if I go on the road, I'd be like, I'm going to take a day and find out what you can only get here food wise and go find it. And I got hooked. I got into, I don't know where I found it. Brunswick stew. It's basically, if you look it up, it's just peas and like potatoes. It's like, it's like cafeteria lunch food.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and I think there's a meat in there, you kind of throw maybe some okra, I don't know, but I couldn't find it, but I did, I found it at one weird lunch counter, and I went and ate it in a dirty bowl, and I was like, yeah, alright. The experience of finding it was better than eating it.


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[Assistant] This is not a real tour. There's a few days in between each one. I'm just hoping to fucking God that I can get enough new material by the time I got to do that to where the people aren't like, yep, we know this one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I got, I got, I've got about a new, like I've been working about a new 20, 25, I think. And then there's about a half hour that I didn't use on my last special that I gotta go find. Yeah. But there might be a reason. There might have been a lot of fucking, uh.


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[Assistant] I'll trickle off on any, but like there's certain things where I just, I just want, I think there should be more and I'll try to find it.


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[Assistant] So, I think it worked. Well yeaah, I've cleverly learned how to make my lack of discipline entertaining.


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[Assistant] That's really hilarious. It was a terrific trick. I think Letterman was the best at it. Yea, you're right. You know, if you fail, you fail funny. Yea, fail funny, that's true. It's like he was great at it. Like it was like what was, when he'd do his monologue. Oh yea. I mean it's like there's so much to learn there. You can really make that your own.


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[Assistant] Like, don't draw attention to it. That's definitely an old school.


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[Assistant] Well I think that all of us, you know, the three of us here are conversational comedians. So, you know, when the difference between somebody who


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[Assistant] Because for some reason either we're lazy or just not as satisfying.


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[Assistant] It takes a lot of work to write those fucking, I come up, when I come up with a joke joke, I have one now, that I'm just, I just love doing it, cause it's like, I never write those things. Exactly. And they work. And then, but when I really think about it, it's like, could I write another 20 of those? No. This one just came up by coincidence. It just, like, it just came to be, the joke is, uhm,


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[Assistant] Uh, like, I'm in show business, so I get screeners, you know, of the movies for the award nominations.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I was watching, uh, you know, that, that movie, All the Money in the World. It's so bad, I walked out of my house.


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[Assistant] But I know that the next joke is like, you know, it's not gonna be like this. Lately I've just been in the next joke sort of like, what's wrong with Mike Pence's face?


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[Assistant] Can I go on this horrible, sort of like, long, like weird poetic, Hixian,


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[Assistant] Like I say that all, I think all Mike Pence thinks about when he's standing there smugly smiling was, don't think about dick. Don't think about dick. No dicks. No cocks. Think about Jesus. Jesus. Jesus died on the cock. Wait, that's not right.


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[Assistant] Well yea, but it's like that weird kind of hyper Christian tolerance. Like there's like, it's like one, one twist away from complete condescension.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. They scare me. Those evangelicals. Because, you know, what no one ever talks about is they want the world to end. They're waiting for it. It's supposed to happen.


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[Assistant] Oh, of course, there's like just a history of whack jobs in basements and compounds saying that it's gonna happen tomorrow or where the ship is coming.


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[Assistant] I think it's just gonna happen, it's just gonna slowly happen.


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[Assistant] But I, but there, I think there, they get, there's something about putting all the straps on and all that stuff. I could see that, you know, being exciting, but I don't.


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[Assistant] I am pretty like, I am pretty not kinky.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you know, I feel like there was another time in my life when, you know, Jägermeister was involved.


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[Assistant] Uh, you know, I, I mean, I get the, like, it, it, it seems to be a more patient, sort of less, uh, uh, kind of like sat, like, uhm,


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[Assistant] What's the word I'm looking for? Like when you get a laugh, immediate gratification. Like if you're working towards coming, like, you know, that pretty much, you know, most orgasms are pretty good. You know, like sometimes you don't time them right and you're like, ah, it just didn't arc.


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[Assistant] But like that stuff, that's this whole other thing where, you know, for hours you just, you know, play these role playing games and wear these outfits and, uh, I mean, I get it, but it just seems like a lot of work.


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[Assistant] You would think. Oh, so look at this. It's like, uh, so this is just the next, the next, it's like some take on leather.


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[Assistant] There's also a video. But like, imagine if you were really into this and then you like, you know, you show up with your new dog face. Yeah. Like, you know, like that guy had the red leather, like you know, they're, are they like clown's faces where you get, there's a guy in town that makes the dog face leather work and you can sort of get your own dog face.


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[Assistant] The guys, the guys we hang out with, I just remember this thing where I worked with this comic where, uh, it was like, what was that guy's name?


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[Assistant] It was so many years ago, it was in Indianapolis, and for some reason, it was this guy, he's a local guy, didn't seem like a very happy guy, but we got down with the show, I think he was featuring or opening, I can't remember, and he's like, uh, I say, you wanna hang out or what we're doing? He's like, well I gotta go back and put on my drinking shirt, I'm like,


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[Assistant] So he had a drinking shirt, but no tails, no tails.


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[Assistant] So if you're talking potatoes, you can put that on there. Yeah, cause potatoes are sweet potatoes, they always break the bag.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you buy sweet potatoes. You know where they point and you can't keep in the bag because they break? That's annoying. Why don't they make a heavier bag for those? I guess it's not really part of his problem. No, but lettuce is a little nasty. I don't know how much shit there is on the conveyor belt, but I understand the point. You're not going to use those outer lettuce leaves anyways, you're going to peel back a couple.


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[Assistant] I don't know what they do. Aren't they too shiny? I thought they were wax or something. I can never.


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[Assistant] I went on the way over and it was like, it was very filling.


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[Assistant] I don't like green ones, too sour. No, not anymore, not in years. They're like, they're outdated.


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[Assistant] Granny Smiths are outdated. Red and delicious are boring. Boring.


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[Assistant] Fairly recently. So somebody had to modify something to come up with that? Yea, that's where you think you get all those. I don't know. It's not devious. I mean, they've been sort of genetically engineering fruits and vegetables for a long time, cross-pollinating this and that. It's not like, it's not like Monsanto apples. I think it's been going on for a while. I think there was a monk that did it first, if I'm not mistaken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, done some yoga in my life, you know, there was a period there I used to go to, uh, uh, Joe's yoga, Joe's uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he did the fast yoga, the power yoga at the Y in Hollywood. Uh, Jen Kirkman used to call it yoga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause years ago, it used to go and he's just sweating everything. And then I've had, uh, you know, years ago, I had a trainer who was into Pilates and core stuff. So I get, but for me, it's always been never a spiritual pursuit. It's just sort of who doesn't want a tight ass core? Do you know what I mean? Where you just feel that not in the center of your being, holding the rest of your body together. That's kind of a nice feeling. You ever felt that Tom?


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[Assistant] But the chakra thing, you know, look, I've had, you know, crystals around, you know, I've thought about them at different points in my life. Uh, you know, do rocks have power? I don't know.


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[Assistant] Uh, is it, uh, what you make of it, eh, you know, that kind of mild hippie witchcraft? Is it more about what you decide in your mind than reality? Probably. So if that's your fashion, alright, well, you know, if it works for you. Let's say this. How about this though?


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[Assistant] It's sort of the same issue as the fruit in the bag.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it just seems a little affected and I can't imagine that she can keep that up for too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've met some, like, I've met some spiritual people, you know, spiritual people without a, a discipline, uh, can be a little kooky. And, and for me, being somewhat of a practical person, uh, in terms of that stuff, I can understand it to a degree, but at some point I will start making fun of her.


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[Assistant] Thank you. And if we, is that where it ends? Yeah. So we don't get any closure? No. Like the guy doesn't get up and is like, okay, I'm okay. And you just, nothing. No, it's horrible. It's, I mean, of course.


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[Assistant] Of course you wanna laugh because, you know, he's- The reaction's funny.


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[Assistant] Of being crushed? No, when he's like- I saw you laugh when he went-


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[Assistant] You know, any sort of like, you know, uh, unfortunately, you know, slapstick, you know, when it's planned, it's pretty brutal. You know, but like, you're just sort of applying the same logic to real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, it's a natural human thing. You're gonna laugh at a discomfort. I mean, I don't know if you should watch it over and over again.


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[Assistant] You remember, you ever play the Stress Factory? Yes. Remember he used to play all the- Vinny Brand. Vinny Brand used to play all the videos of Car Wrecks for some reason before? No. Ugh, God he's a- Well no, they were just like these kind of videos, but there are certain things that I watch, and I don't spend much time in those kind of rabbit holes. Definitely would traumatize some people in that audience that have like, been


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[Assistant] So the thing is, is like you watch these things and you're kind of, they're kind of astounding, like any sort of wreck, any sort of problem with a person, and there's that moment where you're like, oh shit, and you're kind of laughing, but as you watch you're sort of like, this doesn't end okay.


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[Assistant] Look, maybe in the 70s and 80s he might have been like the shit, he might have been like the first class bottom in the world of


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[Assistant] Where'd that come from? Are you ready? For what? What's happening now?


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[Assistant] I eat on mic occasionally. That's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, I get it. I have people, I've had people on that I've had to feed that they come over to my house and they're famished. Like Roseanne Bark came to my house and I just cut some cantaloupe, she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was eating cantaloupe for about 15 minutes and people were just like, don't let anyone eat! Yeah, it's pretty gross. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I do, I do. You know, there's obviously much bigger audio files in me, but I got pretty good.


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[Assistant] Like a, like a clockwork orange loop? Yes, yes.


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[Assistant] For some reason I thought I actually heard it. Yeah. We didn't play a piece of it? You didn't play it? No. Oh my god. It was like, yeah, just you guys doing it.


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[Assistant] Like just to be limited to that song for a lifetime. I mean, could you imagine? You're just done with film. I love trail mix.


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[Assistant] No. He'd get into books more. Start reading. Start reading. Oh, books are allowed? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that.


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[Assistant] That would be good. I'd like to read more books. Thank you for the book. By the way, the Sartre book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get so many books and people send me books, publishers and stuff and it's a little daunting.


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[Assistant] Like we're not sitting there and talking about animal behavior for any period of time. But I, uh.


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[Assistant] Like I can read bits and pieces of that and feel pretty satisfied. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Like, I can read the first 40 pages, do some underlining, and feel like I got it. I'm pretty sure I got the flow of this. Yeah, I'd skip around.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? What do you choose? What's your choice? You have to pick one.


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[Assistant] Anything's really better than having to say, Hail Hitler, every time. Really. You know? I mean, like, cause at least there's evolution involved with it. Any woman. That even if it seems annoying at first, who knows what's gonna happen. Really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the yawning lady, once she, you know, get, once I get her off the floor.


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[Assistant] Just the Hitler thing just seems to be, uh, socially, you know, uh, detrimental. It'll ruin your life. Yeah. And, and why would it be, I'm not explainable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maria Bamford had that morbid thought syndrome. She had that for, uh, like.


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[Assistant] You know, and I'd never really been there and I was going up a trail, but then it turned out like I'm not sure it is a trail.


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[Assistant] What's up there? You know, like what's in, I'm like, it's probably an animal, but I don't know. And like my, my desire to investigate it just was not even there. I'm like, if it's a person, there's nothing I can do for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if it's an animal, I might be next. And then I'm kind of scrambling, you know, and I've got my, I've got my, uh, I'm wearing my, uh, earplugs and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, you know, once you get into the loop that there's a guy in the bushes with a knife or a giant predatory cat, it's hard to enjoy the outing. Sure. Yeah. So that has to, I mean, someone who's really in it got to really cripple them, I imagine. Yeah. I mean, it's, what are the odds of either of those things happening? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And why can't we just enjoy a hike anymore? What the fuck happened to us? And I'm talking about me in the portal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Why don't we wait a little longer so I can never get home? Why don't we do that? Why don't we just wait until three? So like, it'll take me two hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, you know, I'm not freaking out. I'm gonna go buy some berries and some bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or you can see me. Oh, you know what? I got some dates at the... Do it, tell us. At the Ice House. In March. Oh, I just did it this weekend. Yeah, we're doing the... It's so fun. It's so fun.


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[Assistant] I don't even use lotion. Okay, so, I use lotion on my face. Sunday the 4th and Sunday the 11th of March, I'm doing two shows each night to try to jam some new shit. It's the best, that's why I did it this weekend. It's almost cheating. The place is so good.


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[Assistant] And then I gotta hold them, and I gotta drop the new thing, and then I gotta apologize for it and close strong.


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[Assistant] It is odd. I don't, I don't give a fuck sometimes there anymore. I'm just going to trickle off. Yeah, you're like just. Yeah, bring up whoever.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, it's a good workshop place, I guess, if you can get anything done in 15 minutes. Yeah. That's why I run the light.


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[Assistant] Like I just realized, I don't think those dates are up there. Cause you didn't see them when we just went there.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I think I feel like, uh, May or June. I wonder how they're coming together.


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[Assistant] I have 5,000 ounces of my breast milk store in my freezer. My name is Elizabeth. I am a mass milk producer.


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[Assistant] But it is not fun. My breasts wake me up in the morning because they're screaming. Please do something about that.


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[Assistant] It's so dumb. It's so horrible. She's real gummy. And I don't really like to shit on people's mouths too much.


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[Assistant] No, I'm like kinda really open-minded and stuff about people. Seems like it.


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[Assistant] But I, I, I hate them so much and I'm trying to like,


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[Assistant] I just feel like it's, it's total nonsense. Like it's, it's just, it's horse shit. It's so, and it's such like a waste of, um, energy. Like I feel like they're good people.


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[Assistant] Feed orphans in Romania or like dig wells in, in Uganda. You know what I'm saying? Like does it really have to be about coming? Haven't we, haven't we done enough for orgasms in society?


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[Assistant] There's so many more problems in the world, I mean.


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[Assistant] Did you notice that he's shorter than her when they're standing and then they've made him taller than her in the sitting?


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[Assistant] Interesting. Well, when you're cum hugging, maybe you're just laying down.


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[Assistant] Normally me wife has to tug on me balls to cum. How about that Perry?


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[Assistant] How many bowls? You know, you know what's really annoying about these two is that they're always like they're always having a smile and being character like


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[Assistant] They're not hugs, Tom. They're rolling sensations. And how is he teaching you to come hug? He, how does, how do you teach to come hug? That's a very good point.


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[Assistant] You can't teach a cum hug, either you can or you can't cum hug.


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[Assistant] That's true, if I met other couples that they've taught to come hug successfully, then maybe.


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[Assistant] You know I wish we could send your parents to go learn to come hug with these two.


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[Assistant] I got stuff to do. Well, here's the thing is that Trish and Bob, Bobby.


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[Assistant] Uh, we get our freak on. And then it's straight to the, the routine. We got flipping out to catch up on, we've got the Shaws of Sunset.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? You guys gotta go downstairs, get your snack, give the dogs treats.


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[Assistant] This is embarassing, I'm sorry Angelino's. I'm, I'm, I'm apologizing.


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[Assistant] Did you just say you're gonna come with God? Is that what you're gonna say?


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[Assistant] It's borderline incestuous when your parents tell you about their sex lives or what turns them on. It's like, I don't, you're never supposed to know that stuff.


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[Assistant] It's weird, it's wrong. I don't even like hearing sex jokes, like from, like, parents shouldn't be telling sex jokes. It's somebody else's parents. It's nasty as hell, yeah.


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[Assistant] No, it's wrong. It's totally- could you imagine saying something to LJ? Like, you're getting laid, kid, and like, ugh.


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[Assistant] You sit on that knowledge, but the fact that they used to be and now they're reformed, it's fine.


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[Assistant] Well, because that way you weed out the ones that aren't gonna do it. You get it, you knock it out early.


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[Assistant] Roping her in, and then like, you want this free trip, right? Then you gotta pee in my mouth, yeah.


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[Assistant] That's interesting. Or just be super rich, like millionaire status.


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[Assistant] No, I like a, I like the uh, I like an honest exchange.


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[Assistant] You know, like I, we talked about this on the live show a little bit.


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[Assistant] With Hugh Hefner's death, I don't, I don't think he was some great fucking pioneer. I think he was kind of a creeper.


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[Assistant] And, uh, he had a mansion full of broken, broken girls who he, you know, he let live there for free, but he didn't pay them. He had like a weekly stipend and then it was a, come watch a movie with him.


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[Assistant] And it's an even exchange. Here's some cash, spread your beef. And there was no convoluted thing of like, how many girlfriends does a guy have?


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[Assistant] Well, and he said too, like, that, well, Holly said in her book that they, he would be like, alright, you two make out. And then they'd make out and he'd, you know, jerk it.


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[Assistant] And then they'd throw like the new girl at him so that they were off the hook for the night. Oh, right. Like, oh my God, you deal with him. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And I, and I, and last night with the live show and people were like, yeah, it's great exposure. Okay, well you think about it. Let's think about the stars that really came out of Playboy. You had your Pamela Anderson, that's the anomaly. I think she, she was, Pamela Anderson is a genuine, like an icon. She's Canadian, but became an American.


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[Assistant] Yep, yep, but she was also fucking Prince and...


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[Assistant] But don't you imagine that once the internet started that who the heck is even looking at Playboy?


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[Assistant] And look, listen, there's two sides to this debate in the women's world. There are girls who find being naked very empowering and very


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[Assistant] But that's why that house was so damn old. You know how old people's houses look like them.


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[Assistant] Well he's gonna die, and then we're gonna kick out all these sluts, and then I'm gonna take over, so.


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[Assistant] At least, I mean, Larry Flint, I feel like was just straight forward and, and you know, didn't, yeah, send the girls, and you know the girls can't say no. No one's saying no. Why couldn't it just be an even deal, you know?


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[Assistant] You know, this ongoing hostage situation. If you don't do it, then you're homeless. That's fucking terrible.


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[Assistant] I mean, I get, look, he's great entrepreneur. He built an empire. Everyone respects that in this country, but. Yeah.


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[Assistant] No, a shower fart is not, I know what the thinking is, that if I fart in the shower, then if the brown comes down, I can just put it through the drain.


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[Assistant] That's silly. The, the safest fart, the only safe farts are on the toilet. Everybody knows this.


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[Assistant] It's not fair. Life's not fair. They were born conjoined twins. Their whole existence isn't fair.


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[Assistant] To keep the, the, the guilty one free? Yeah. I know. Here's the solution. Ankle bracelet.


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[Assistant] On the guilty one so that the good one can lead their life.


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[Assistant] And then, but no, here's what the court will say. You should have called the police. Why didn't you?


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[Assistant] I know, but you've seen enough sentencing shows and murder shows. Where'd the courts lean on?


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[Assistant] It'd be terrible. I imagine they put the bad one in prison and then the good one just gets to like watch TV and eat real food.


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[Assistant] No, he took time off. Is this before the NRA he takes time off or no? Now he's just distracting people with the NRA stuff.


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[Assistant] Well, especially if you're a, eh, eh, eh, eh, you know, he's not an attractive guy. He's kinda nebbishy looking.


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[Assistant] Unattractive. That's why you become a big movie producer.


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[Assistant] So you can be like, look, do you want a part in this movie? You gotta suck my stuff. I have cum all over my face. Right. Right.


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[Assistant] But, but, now here's the thing. I honestly think that's an even exchange.


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[Assistant] Which is, hey, if you suck my stuff, you get to be a star in my movie. And then the girl goes, yeah, that's totally fine.