[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I'm just lucky that he wasn't like an abusive asshole. He's just wanted to talk about taking a dump all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, so now we're jumping a little further ahead into some video era stuff. I don't know. 339, this is the episode we're gonna jump into. I'm guessing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm probably 50 pounds heavier. Uhm, this episode had a call with my dad where he talks about having a squirter and it gets on the bedspread. Cause I, as I recall,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just like, I got some shit on my, on the sheets, on the beds and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I want to say, he's like, ah, you just, you can just flip the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cover over then you don't have to worry about it. Like you don't want to get out of bed and like clean everything. He's like that. So here it is from episode three 39 top dog and his shit the sheets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went to use the bathroom and while I was in the kitchen, I went to fart and it was just all water that came out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that like it really curled up into the toilet or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm kind of surprised honestly that you washed the sheet only because you told me real clearly one time that, you know, when you sharted a little bit in your pants, I said, don't you want to put those down? You said your quote was, it's just a little bit of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I saw a chocolate stain on one and you just put them inside out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what level of barbarian you are for doing that? Like that is really, really horrendous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, I gotta say though, nothing excites me more than the possibility of mom hearing that story, just to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her level of disgust would be hilarious. It would be amazing. Really amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious, man. Uhm, do you remember your, uh, your movie theater fart? Oh, that was one of my proudest moments. Was that, you think a meat related fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was really something. We'll look at that. I'll give you a call a little bit later, okay? Okay, buddy, you take care. Alright, bye-bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to do what I have to do, which is shave my head every few days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I look like this. Because I waited. I waited when I should have acted. I don't want you to be the same position that I'm in. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35, and once you've started noticing thinning hair, it can be too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that hairline slowly starting to move backwards? Any bald spots yet? The best way to prevent more hair loss is to do something about it while you still have some. Go to 4hims.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are no snake oil pills or gas station supplements. These are prescription solutions backed by science. No more awkward in-person doctor visits or long pharmacy lines. Today, HIMS is giving you their best offer. Yet, if you're not happy with your results after 90 days, HIMS will give you a full refund and right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to 4himms.com slash mom. That's 4himms.com slash mom. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who will determine if a prescription is appropriate? Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember that's 4hims.com slash mom. Hey, it's a new year. Finally, so let's try to start it off right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to save some extra cash is on your mind. Think about reshopping your home and auto insurance rates with Policy Genius. You could save.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So $1,055 per year with help from their license experts. Think about what you could do with the money you save. You could invest it, buy something, put it in a savings account, whatever you want. The possibilities are endless. Here's how it works. First, you head over to policygenius.com, answer a few quick questions about yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the kind of service that has earned Policy Genius a 5 star rating across 1600 reviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and by the way, we're skipping multiple episodes as we do this. There's just too many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, of my dad and they're almost all about shitting. Uhm, this is, this has my other favorite lane of my dad which is him laughing at like street jokes and we discovered this that he really, really, I mean I, I remember this as a kid and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think as an adult, the process, it was ridiculous, but the way he laughs at blonde jokes and he thinks like those old school jokes are just the best. One time I went to lunch with him in an old front, like, so my dad's now 72, 73.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would have been when he was like, let's say, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we sit down for lunch and the guy starts telling me these like joke book jokes. He's like 85 years old. So I'm doing like polite laughter and stuff and he's like, let's hear some of yours. And I go, what do you mean? And he's like, let's hear your jokes like that. And I go, oh no, I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have like, you know, how many Pollocks does it take? And he was like, what do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, your dad said you're a comedian. I was like, well, yeah, but do you think that comedians do that? And he was like, yeah. I was like, uh, I did, I could, I, he literally was like, I don't understand what you do though. Um, but that my dad just loves the blonde jokes, dumb blonde jokes. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you see him and you bring it up, he'll tell you the same three over and over and over. And so this call, we get some, some jokes and, uh, also, uh, we get a little war talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Top Dog War Talk, which is his other favorite lane. Let's, uh, yeaah, let's get into it. Episode 358! Hello? Charo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's pretty significant. Hey, uhm, how many people you think you killed overall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you've talked about, you said it's like a euphoric feeling, like the best thing is killing the enemy, you experienced that first hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well let me ask you this. You like jokes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I wanted to read some jokes to you and you tell me what you think of these jokes. Okay. How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, man, that's a lot of, I can see Abroad doing that though, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do, why do blondes wear panties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you some, some other ones I've been thinking up. Uhm, how do you sink a Polish battleship?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, that's good. Why did the, why did the Polak cross the road?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad you really enjoyed it. Now I know how to cheer you up if you're ever in a bad mood. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know if you're in front of a Polish firing squad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. What do Pollocks use Cheerios for? What do Pollocks use Cheerios for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got a good one for you. It's an Olympic themed one. What do Pollocks do with all their gold medals?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing guy. I love him. I love him. Uhm, so happy that that makes him so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we're gonna jump to an episode now, 464, that has a prank call. Uhm, so this isn't a call of my father, but it's a call that the great Fart Simpson


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, who has done amazing. We've shown you, uh, how amazing this guy is. He's so talented. So, here's a prank call that Fart Simpson did with Popdog as the caller. So, let's, uhm, let's listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty great. That was another Fart Simpson classic, man. My daddy, truck nuts. Uhm, he's gonna make truck hunts for ladies. And, uh, I love that he used, he actually used


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, the time, like from the call where my dad was like, just the way I breathe. When I was like, stop fucking breathing into the phone. It's just the way I breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't, but like why can't you just go like that? Cause you know that you're doing it with your nose. So just like move the mouthpiece down. It's just the way I breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, thanks man. Uhm, anyway, he's the best, I love him, this is our special Top Dog Pair Down episode. This could have gone on and on and on and on. Uhm, so hopefully,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This app, the next time we record will be together, right? Or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be pretty great. Unless something fucked up happens to one of you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you get shot, robbed, beaten, stabbed? I don't know, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? I have changed. In what sense? Since my injury, I view tragedies and humans suffering in a completely different light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Straight into the chicks asshole. Yeaah, yeaah, and he just, his fingers are everywhere. And then... All over the world. And then they're in a girl's asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I threatened to show you somebody getting very severely hurt. But, not a murder video, that's different. And I enjoyed your video, it made me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all. You've seen the last person ever get hurt on this show with me playing, you know what I mean? Sowing someone's suffering and... I'm just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Uhm, no, we'll get into, you know, we'll get into more, uh, severe injury stuff next week. And uhm, I've had, I've had some things sent to me that are pretty gruesome that I'll, I'll show you first. Tell me if you think it's right for the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes me happy. I thought it would. But I mean, the finger thing, I love that thing. Send me stuff like that all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, I, you know, I've always explained that there's, that I, it might sound weird to people that it's, but that it's very grey about like, what I like or laugh at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I never liked or, or could even tolerate sports injuries on, uh, you know, ESPN or whatever. Like when I remember like being a kid,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, haha, I was like, ugh, I couldn't watch that shit at all. Even Dak Prescott earlier this year. Those types of injuries don't, that's not the kind of thing that I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laugh at this one, you know, somebody hears that from me like, well, I saw you laugh at this other thing like, yeah, but it's a different thing. I mean, they're not the same thing. So I mean, do I think that like my video is hilarious? Not really, but, um, I, I appreciate this, that like, it's gonna make some people laugh for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no, I mean like my video, my video, uhm, there is, there is like a laughable element to it for a second, I think. Like, if we were, I mean we don't have it right now, but like if we were breaking it down, I would tell you what part I find funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, and then I, then I'm just like, uh, it's kind of gruesome, you know? It's kind of gruesome. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a part of it that I think is particularly gruesome, but again, like, I appreciate that that, that might be someone's favorite thing, you know? They might, they might laugh. I mean, I know it's gonna get so many meme treatments and like, you know, funny videos made from it. Like, it's just gonna happen. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, it's, I, I don't, I don't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not emotional about the injury, if that makes sense. I'm not like, oh my god, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I mean to me it's like, I dunno, I can get very philosophical about it. It's, it's, it's been uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been like a really, I don't know, like eye-opening experience, you know? Like, and I've appreciated different things since it's happened in a lot of different ways. Like, you know, I appreciate like the fact that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could have been worse. Uhm, you know, I appreciate my own...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, mobility much more. I got a lot of help from a lot of people. Yourself included, like, so like, you know, I have a lot of gratitude. You know, it's not like that all around horrible thing. I mean, on paper, it's a pretty bad thing and it's fucked up my month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what it did. I'm a total, I'm totally in now on Live Life 365.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? That's how I feel now. So, yeaah. Uhm, hopefully we're back here having fun as a big fam next week. Alright? Uh, thank you guys for watching, for listening. Sorry about the, uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Well, Christiane, they're gonna let you in pretty immediately because you're the significant other. So just the second you see Tom just already be rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause look, think of it this way, if you're taking the first wave at four and you're taking the second wave at seven, waves last about three hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, after 10pm, I think it's safe for, uh, for beaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better times. It's, uh, what was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well because you asked me like, what's your favorite movie? And like, I feel like I never just have something like, you know, in the chamber, ready to go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is a dumb piece of shit. He is really just our word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but he's so good at drums, he's like a, he's an idiot savant when it comes to drums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, you get like a full on scholarship to this really good drum school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he's like, oh yeaah, I'm gonna have it easy, cause I got a full drum scholarship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he gets a real life lesson handed to him when he realizes he still needs to work for what he likes to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it came out, I'm like, yeah, you know, 9-11 had just happened, like we needed something to kind of pick up our spirits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's part German, part Pakistani. Oh, cool. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rotten Tomatoes will, uh, will show that that is also the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. Yeah, of course. Cause drumline is now. Oh my god. Get out of here. Look man, internet disagrees with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but like those are just like dum-dums that are like have access to rotten tomatoes, you know? We need people that are credentialed. Like, what's their opinion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like maybe like, I don't know, 50th greatest? It's definitely after adrenaline. Wow. And then you also love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you stand by this being a great film though? Yeah, one of the greats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it's, it's the, it's the life lesson that they teach in it, which is, I mean, it's an overarching theme. I mean, I just rewatched it again this weekend. And guess what? Just as good as I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a cautionary tale about hubris and how you always need to check yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if you just come in being like, I'm the shit, you're gonna get checked pretty hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well. Yeah, this is fucked up. There's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reese's PR team needs to figure this shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's weird. It's- I think lumps. Let me see by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we tried to purchase this. And? The way, the way that it works is like you email him your credit card info I think. Like, it's like a really sketch way to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that's a badge. Maybe that's like a football. It's like a football jersey. Like a soccer jersey or something. Like an Aussie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the original audio is still in this. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's Mexican, but I mean, she speaks English with a heavy, a beautiful, sexy accent like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, how do you say, uh, how do you say, like, uh, make posts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe she Italian, or she from another country, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job, man. That was cool. I know for a fact that's not what the folder was called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, it's, uh, it's, if you want to live the type of life that he's got, I think you do what he says. Good point. That's a good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 60 frames per second. What does that mean? Uhm, it's a faster frame rate, I don't know why it would be good in porn though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two people stabbed during a large fight at a Korean restaurant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ayy, perfect! Like that? Good! But cock the knee, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More snap and a little less bend. Hey, come on everybody, give it a fucking try. And that's how I did the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Demonstration before today, I'm talking about transit time. So what is the transit time? This is the time it takes between eating something and it coming out the other end as your poop. Remember this is your gold standard poop, the S shaped smooth poop. This is what you're looking for. Now, you can check your transit time if by eating some beets,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you want to eat some corn and not chew it 100% and you take that time between ingestion and coming out the other end and it should be, do you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's things that like you go, okay, I feel bad. Like, you know, this you feel bad, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, how can you not have a website is a necessity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $225 off your mattress purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another banger, Queens Above 18 by Hen Dog. He just keeps cranking out the hits, man. That was just incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's also on iTunes and where music is available. Way to go Hen Dog with another incredible song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yes, midterms in college of course. Uhm, this is very exciting. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, pretty cool there. I mean, that's, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new, uh, Joel Osteen Inspiration Cube. Nadav, you were saying that, uh, you find the Christian affirmations to be, like, really am- like, get you going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also if you're making an inspiration cube, you kinda gotta say things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a pretty cool concept. Uhm, like I, you know, I think somebody said you probably could just have a website or an app that just plays this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh sorry, that's the YMH cube, it's coming pretty soon. With all the best advice we have from all our best drops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week is going to be incredible by the way. I should start by telling you that of course YMH Live 3 is Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going to be a live show with Danny Brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Original music by Marc Rebillet that he made just for us, uh, that he performed here. Then there's, uh, my, the return of my sister Maria, which is just outrageous. I cannot believe she's going to be back on the show. I heard the tech check was pretty insane. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We made this one available through Thanksgiving weekend. So if you can't watch live, you can watch it on Thanksgiving the day after Saturday or Sunday. It's available till midnight on Sunday after Thanksgiving. So we extended that so you could get the family together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've been making shirts, say Tom on the front and Tom on the back, and you know how much I like seeing your boobs hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make videos. Make a video. Let's have some fun with it. And then I'll tell you how fun it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very exciting. Uhm, get your tickets. I, like I said, everybody goes right at the, right at the show time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can, if you plan on watching, uhm, try to get them ahead of time. You can of course get them after if you want to watch the show after, but that's what I recommend if you're gonna watch live. And there is a INSANE heavy segment in this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to do it. Uhm, another thing to mention, I saw, I started doing Tom Talks, if you might have seen it on our YouTube channel, and, or gotten it on the download feed, and what it is, is me talking to uhm, either sports figures, business people, people who we don't feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This show, like if, you know, like we had Hall of Famer Tony Gonzalez on the first one and I didn't want to be like, hey, watch this lady, uh, shove a diet cocaine up her ass. So I just wanted to have a conversation and it was a lot of fun. Right now they're not every week. Right now we're going, I think every two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gonna be one next week if you're listening or watching now that we're very excited about. Uhm, and uh, yeaah, that's just, that's just what I'm, what we're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I know, I can't wait cause you told me that I have to watch it, so I can't wait to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's open our show. We got so much to get into. Alright, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, uhm, confronts, you never see the person holding the camera, but it's clearly a woman. And he wants to throw it, and he keeps being like, touch me, I'll knock your fucking head off. Like, I bet you would. That's crazy. He's like a 45 year old man. The funny thing is though, he goes, you should be removed from the gene pool. She's like, you're bald, which is obviously genetic. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fucking loses his mind. This guy, man. That's uh, yeaah, he needs some Joel in his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird. And it's weird to be a guy and be like, let's see just a woman you disagree with and be like, how about I'll crack your fucking head open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't amuse me in the least. I watched, I watched, this is actually a clip from a, uh, like three to five minute video and I watched the whole thing. It's super aggressive. Yeaah. Yeaah. And how did you feel? I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know if this person was gonna go like, doop, like that, and then he just fucking removes her face, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably a good idea. This guy actually, for as unhinged as he is, amazingly was able to restrain himself. I think maybe if the camera wasn't there he'd be like, oh I'm gonna punch this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the same, I see crazy and I'm like, nah, no. Uhm, so by the way, I guess a lot of the listeners were also intrigued by the inspiration cube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go into the Joel Osteen Inspiration Cube on Amazon, it says Amazon has noticed unusual reviewing activity on this product and due to this activity, we have limited this product to verified purchase reviews. Because people are saying things like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it takes me about 10 to 12 Benadryl before I have fun with my partner or myself, but I have to take a word for it because Joel Olsteen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, or, uh, well, this cube, will this cube be coming up in May? Don't want to be stingy, but I'm buying it from my dad, Mark. And the answer, I'm not sure, once I sell out, I doubt any more will be coming in. Have a blessed day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this cube. My uncle fed smoker got me this from talking car wash. I have to say the positive affirmations are the only thing keeping from ending at all. Some of my favorite sayings are keep the mind type. Just keep fathering a brother. Don't be stingy. Cool stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff. 87 people found this helpful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This trail mobile will set your brain on fire and full strokes guaranteed. Daddy Joel sounds like a real cool guy. 108 people found this helpful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Johnny Pemberton hit me up this week. He goes, he, I guess he just found out. He goes, have you been to Garth's Instagram? And I go, yeah. And he was like, did you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a new Garth clip too. I don't know where it came from, but it is so strange. They showed me this and I was like, what the fuck is he talking about? Which is my favorite type of Garth clip. Uhm, so here's Garth on copyright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I mean, the fact that he can talk about copyright in that po-dunk, completely artificial...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Copyright is really important because it protects the artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you were to ruin my copyright, I'd make less money and that would piss me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's talking to all those fucking ass-thummers that go to his show that are like, Garth even knows that copyright is special. Like he's making them think that it's, like he's talking about family, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? He looks good. He's been, uh, he did well in quarantine then. Yeah. Cashier ass. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's really neat to hear that from a pilot too, right? The expert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My goodness, very rare. She really knows. She knows her farts. So this is the email. It says, Jeans, I wanted to point out the drunk Scotsman was being racist. Real racist. I didn't know this. I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was calling the person in the window a Fenian bastard, meaning Irish. The racism towards the Irish in Scotland goes back to the great famine and them being told to go back home. Anyway, just wanted you to know that guy was way cooler than maybe you even imagined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can handle their booze. Yeaah, they party. They party hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I want to point out that I was saying Reese's, you know? Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty, pretty groundbreaking thing here. Uh, I want to say I love the podcast. Listen to it every week at work. The audio in the video with the guy farting that was played around 47 minutes in the podcast was actually made using the audio from a guy on TikTok called Gasmaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Christina was indeed correct with her suspicion considering the legitness of the video. Thank you. By the way, this dude is amazing and a fan of yours, I believe. I've seen him tagging you guys in some of his TikToks, so definitely check him out. Next time, remember to do your job or you're done buddy. Don't be stingy. So I guess this is the original fart video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. So they took the audio, that's the one where the guy was laying on the chair, right? And you see just the legs. That was a woman we thought laying down. We thought it was a woman. Uhm, you know what somebody told me? What's that one called? It's called that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person took the, uh, yeah. And by the way, I got a message. A lady said that she's a massage therapist and she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been a massage therapist for 12 years, and I can tell you without a doubt that those legs and feet that you see there are man's. And her theory was that it's a man here, and that's the mother that we're looking at, the kid, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I also want to point out that it is true. There is a bias in the lame stream media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That continuously targets the right and doesn't do enough of, uh, honest, you know, assessment critique of what's going on on the left. And one of our listeners found that to be true too and I'd like to acknowledge them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, here's what it says. It says, hey mommy's with all the election talk in this week's episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and comments on big ol' lady tits from the big ass pervert. I can't help but notice that no one has acknowledged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To quell my concern in this contentious political climate. You bet I'm coming up in May. Evan from Illinois. I mean she's 80 years old. She looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean she does have big tits and I feel like the news never talks about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even these media outlets here are covering up her t-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like it. Yeaah. Yeaah. Oh, she's got- Yeaah, she a guinea? Can you look it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York Times, where's the article on Pelosi's big tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, also want to point this out, this is pretty exciting. I know you don't follow football, but yesterday there was a really, really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incredible play. In football, if you're like down to the last few seconds of a game and you need to score a touchdown,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's referred to as a Hail Mary, right? Hail Mary meaning like it's just throw it up. Yeah, it's like, it's a prayer. That's what it is. It's a prayer because you're like, if this doesn't work, you know, so that's why they call it a Hail Mary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Josh is a diehard Buffalo Bills fan and his team was up with a few seconds left in Arizona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, was playing from behind and they threw up a Hail Mary and they won. And it was incredible. These are the kind of plays that happen like once a year, you know, in like the whole league, maybe, maybe twice. So they're, they're just, they're super exciting and people go nuts because they're just incredible to see and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The player who caught the ball, it was just amazing athleticism. Unbelievable. His name was Deandre Hopkins. Well, last week when I did Roach Motel, Josh said this. If you had to leave here right now and go eat some player's asshole in the next room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the week that this clip comes out, DeAndre sticks a dagger in Josh's heart. Unreal. And Josh had just offered to eat his ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason that conversation came up, by the way, Josh brought this up to me years ago, and I laughed so hard, where he said, like, do you think certain positions in football have dirtier butt holes than other positions?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we were talking about who has the most neglected asshole, which then led to, well, who has the most pristine asshole? And he said, receivers, of which Mr. Hopkins is one. DeAndre is. Yes. And then, yeah, it led to all this conversation. Anyways, DeAndre just crushed him yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if he should, uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can, I think that Deandre wouldn't like any of these ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Josh, by the way, if you want to see that or any of his upcoming podcasts, they come out, uh, Tuesdays at 6am, Roach Mattel, which is soon to be renamed, I can say that, right? Uh, to the Josh Potter show very soon. Rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes. It's very funny. He's very, very funny. Uhm, so, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, good sense of style. This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by ExpressVPN. Using the internet without ExpressVPN is like going to the bathroom and having violent diarrhea and not even closing the door. Now everybody is peeking in and going, what did you eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Internet service providers like Comcast or Verizon know every single website you visit. They know I love panties. ISPs can sell this information to ad companies and tech giants who then use your data to target you and try to get you to buy more soiled panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ExpressVPN creates a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet so your online activity can't be seen by anyone and you're just panty shopping on your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It works on phones, laptops, even routers, so everyone who shares your wifi can be protected. I use ExpressVPN on my phone, on my laptop, watch Netflix from other countries, look at websites from all over the world. They make it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secure your online activity by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash Your Mom today. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash Your Mom. You can get an extra three months free. ExpressVPN.com slash Your Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so next week, yeaah, next week, when we record, we'll be, let's see, the 23rd. I'll be fasting that day, because the next day I have a colonoscopy. I actually signed up and I'm doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told him, I will be so disappointed if you're like, everything's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to tell me that there's something to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're going both holes. Yeaah. No, first I get an ultrasound. They're gonna do an ultrasound. In your body hole? No. No. So they can see the, uh, uh, gallbladder. Because sometimes people have issues from that. Then they're gonna put a scope up my ass and down my throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he jerks you off while he's doing that. That's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, so that'll be, he's like, we're, he's like, we will find whatever. We're going to find it. But I have to fast the 23rd and just do liquid and then beginning at 4pm on the 23rd, which is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they want you to go in with nothing in your digestive system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I might be doing, uhm, IG live, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's gonna be a lot of shit coming out of me. Yeaah. I think it's gonna be a lot of trips to the toilet. Yeaah. The Dove told me to bring a laptop into the toilet and just watch a show. He's like, you're just gonna shit so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now two days before 22nd, I feel like I should have a big meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't mean like, gorge myself, I just mean, eat something, because like, I'm not allowed to eat anything on the 23rd at all, or the 24th, I can't even have water after midnight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I come out and he goes, hey man, I never did this before, but while you were down, I butt fucked you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what? He's like, I just wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, think about it, the day before I have no solids, right? So there's a fast and then you take two laxatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be a good time to try the scrum right after that procedure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made me drink. I didn't really, cause you're around him. You're like, I should be like this guy. It's like, and I just started drinking. I never drink that much this morning. I couldn't wake. I couldn't get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This queen was just like, did you make my coffee? Cause I was struggling, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made me laugh so hard cause, so we're all sitting around afterwards on the couch and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said something about her birthday and he's like, he's like, man, it's 50 now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go, I jokingly was like, you know, I can't even relate to you guys because I'm so much younger than you guys. It's like Leanne's 50, Bert's 48, you're 44. I go, I'm 41. Like you guys are way older than me. I don't even know what, like when I'll be 50. And Leanne goes, well, in nine years. And then I go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, and I'll be about 60 when you're 50. And then Burt goes, that's so gross. So gross. He's like, gross. You're gross. Just for aging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's love, but it's, it's, it's just the, um, the wavelength is different, you know? Like, like she'll be like, you're just fat. And it's, yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, that would hurt so bad. He's like, you look old. Okay. They just say things like so much harsher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It makes me feel like I'm eating slow. Slowly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's always been like that because everybody in my whole life was like, Tommy, you eat so fast, you gotta slow down. And like one of the first times we had dinner together, I was on my second bite and he was like, he was like done. And I was like, holy shit, man. He was like, yeah, you fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, you know, he has that like anxiousness of like consuming. When we do podcasts, he has like six drinks. He has Kool-Aid, water, iced coffee, Diet Coke and Red Bull. All. And he's like sipping all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he only drank, to be honest, like four bottles of wine. Last night? Yea. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great, thanks guys. And by the way, I brought up, for those of you that saw the two bears live, he was shithoused, okay? And I go, dude, I've seen you drink, like, my whole, whatever, the whole time I've known you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll drink like a handle of vodka and you'll be like, you ready to go? And I go, and then on the two bears live, you were absolutely sloshed. Like what happened? And he goes, cause there was pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt pressure to drink. Right. And so I was, I don't like feeling like it has to be in a condensed period of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm. Cause that show was only like two and a half hours or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're just listening, a man is walking down the street and a crane just falls and crushes. Like it lands on a car and hits him in the head and he's fine. That guy's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. He's okay. You don't think he's okay? I don't think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got him up. You think he went to work the next day? I think he's totally fine. I think he went to work from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this, people shit on Alabama a lot, not just nationally, internationally. You say Alabama, people have all these negative kind of, you know, things that you could argue that, in a way that they've earned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, Huntsville, if you don't know, which most people don't, is surprisingly uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just nice, people are super nice, they're smart, like the crowds are good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're like, come on, I'm serious, like Huntsville has rocket scientists and engineers all over the place. Cause of space stuff. Yeah, yeah. They have like, they have multiple companies that, that, um, work in like spacecraft and engineering and all this like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, defense stuff. That's crazy. And, and, and it's, you know, that permeates the culture. So you're there and you're, it's, it's impressive. Like Huntsville is actually a very cool city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe back then. But I'll tell you, I had a really good time. I'll definitely do shows in Huntsville again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll come up and see you in May. You better believe it. I know you're a good lover, Huntsville. Uh, no, but thank you to everybody that came out. We did six shows, socially distanced. They moved the front row back six feet. They reduced the capacity. People had masks on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how did you, like, are you surprised? Like, oh, I didn't know that's what that was the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, speaking of the Dakotas, uhm, there are reports, and this is pretty neat. Pretty cool stuff. That they predict the infection rate of COVID in South Dakota will be 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They believe that the state will get infected. Now, this is, I'm just reporting what the reports have been, so it might change by the time you see this, but there were reports about that, uh, over the weekend, which I thought was pretty fascinating. Uhm, to put that in context for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, South Dakota has just under 900,000 people, and they've had so far about 600 deaths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, the reason for this, by the way, it's not just like, you know, what's going on. The theory is that, yea, although it's not a very populated state,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, South Dakota gets very cold. And as we've shifted the weather getting colder, the idea is that people are now congregating indoors all the time in a cold weather state more and it's spreading and it's a smaller population spreading around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's, there's more than that for sure here. Yeaah, that's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still there. It's still there. I walked in the room last night and I was like, what the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I stepped in and I thought it was the kids, like, slime. So I was like, oh, he left the slime. And I just had a pancake of shit on my bottom of my foot. And I was like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's pretty cool that we have like a kind of a poet cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are no longer cool sir. You actually are a nice man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I can't believe I won my case. You did win your case. You won your case. And, uh, how about this guy? You think this guy's cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, he has some ability with words. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His dead eyes kind of take them words away, but uhm, you know, he has kind of a terrifying glare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Period. I like when people get fired up on camera about, you know what I mean? Like there's no one there, but he's having the arguments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a good anti-vax spokesman, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he probably has a congregation. Seems like it. He should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. I found that, uh, you sent in some Pena stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think there's probably an argument to be made that you can help without money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like that one. So that guy's fingering his belly button, then he smells it, and he's like, his eyebrows raise, or he's like, it's a pretty good smell. And then he lowers his shirt, and he's playing with his belly now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's a whole other level. Oh my god. I'm so excited about this. I can't believe I almost, we almost wrapped the segment without doing this. Okay. Fart Simpson. Oh. So, you don't know this, but I'm telling you now, on the new live show, we profile Fart Simpson. Oh my god. And we get to show you how he does it. The guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a magician with this. And he literally, I think if you were to go, who does the best prank phone calls in the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has to be, if he's not number one, and you saw other prank callers, they'd be like, well he's one of the top three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the piece that's gonna be on the live show. It's unbelievable. And to celebrate and further endorse that, here's a new Bart Simpson call. This is so fucking funny. He calls a linguistics professor, like a language professor, and just, it's so good. There's video to go along with this one. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it's so good. Uh, if you of course don't remember who he used to play that part as a guy we featured many times on the show from this clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who I guess, is he jumping between English and Gaelic or something? Or is he just drunk English?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. Oh god, that was so funny. That was so masterful. So, when you see how he does it, that's the thing is, when you listen to his prank calls, at first, you know, you're just taken by the comedy of it, then you're like thinking about the execution of it. Yea, how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, this is not like some simple thing. And then you watch, you watch him like how he does it. It is elaborate. I mean, he is dedicated. No, these are incredible to put together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole process will be, uh, it's on YMH Live. Ugh, I can't wait. You gotta see it. YMHvirtual.com. But big shout out to Fart Simpson. You should follow him on Instagram and check out all his work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but a lot of people want to know if you're going to answer to this or not. To what I'm going to show now. Do you have an answer or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also, by the way, at first I was like, wow, this guy's asking my wife out. And then, no, then I'm like, well, maybe he doesn't, you know, know. And then he tags it with like, hey Tom, you take care of her too. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are we sharing her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I give permission. If you would like to go out on a date with the king, I sign off, and I know you'll have a good time, I know you'll appreciate the king's generosity, and I think it could be a really nice event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll, yea, if you want to get on a flight tonight and we'll figure out the details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a long drive. I think it's fair for you to go meet him at least halfway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think on a case by case basis, I don't think that like we open, I know it just changed right now in this moment. I don't think that we go, hey, we're open, but I think when certain opportunities arise, it's worth consideration. And I think this is one of those. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The king has convinced me that it's, you know, I think he's a gentleman, I think he would take you to a nice dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I said, I think he will treat you with respect and I expect him to and I think he will, you know, and I'm saying like at the end of the night you want to give like a quick little kiss or something and I'm okay with that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Champagne, r-ros- I get it. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My gosh, she's so excited about her new boyfriend. Here's the thing though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you're kind of more for like a different type of guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, let's take a quick break and we'll be back in just a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to give a big shout out to today's sponsor, whoop. You guys know, I'm not even playing games, man. It never comes off. 24-7, my whoop is on, collecting all the data from everything I do. The strain, the sleep, the recovery. There's a fitness tracker that's literally like having a personal trainer on your wrist for less than a dollar a day. That is a pretty good deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I love that you turn on that strain coach and it tells you you're ready to take on more today. Push yourself. I love the sleep coach because it lets me know you need this much to get by. It knows your body on a deeper level than you do and you can get that insight by signing up for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our listeners today, Whoop is offering 15% off all memberships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give Whoop a shot, and if it's not for you, they offer a 30-day return policy, no questions asked. Head over to Whoop, W-H-O-O-P dot com, enter Y-O-U-R-M-O-M, your mom, at checkout, and save 15% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join Whoop today and sleep better, recover faster, and train smarter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back, very happy to welcome back a very good comedian and friend of ours, Josh Wolf. Thank you very much for stopping by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our sons could not be further apart in age right now. We have little sons who don't know to touch their dicks yet. How old? Two and almost five. Has your two year old found his butthole yet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that was more of the older kid, like his butthole. The two-year-old, I have seen him grab his balls when I'm changing him aggressively. And I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, he's like, he'll be like, check this out. Like, look how hard I can grab. I'm like, oh man, I see, I see a kink building right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, the almost five year old at least, you know, understands. So if you're like, get out of here, I'm trying to take it as shit, he'll be like, fine. But the two year old will start and be like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That feels good. They want to see it too. He's like, I see the poo poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, yeaah. I mean, actually I have a little bit about it on stage right now, but it's pretty wild because, you know, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kid, the four year old like showers, and like I've seen him slip, which is terrifying, but also he'll just like empty entire bottles of shampoo. I'm like, what are you doing, man? Like he, he, it's a, like a playground for him, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really sad. I mean, there's, there are some that are bigger, as big as a grain of rice. No. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, I always, you know, my dick, I'm always like, you know, most people are like, I wish I had a bigger dick. And they go, when their dick's showing, they go, you know, it gets bigger. I always tell people, you know, it gets smaller. Because I'll see my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a stage that I think is small and then later I'm like, what the fuck happened to that? Like it'll go further up inside of me. If I do like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, you know, it could be like that day that you came in the shower or saw me, I probably A. Hadn't ejaculated in like four days or something, uhm, and then I, I uhm, I wasn't scared, I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fear. Fear will do it. Fear makes your dick whole. Everything will. Your body will go in. I mean, it doesn't mean that it happens to everybody, but it's a, like, men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you are actually in fear, like your testicles and everything will come in closer. Right. And your body is like, um, like, uh, what's it called? Like saving mechanism where it's like protect yourself. Yeah. So for me, like, yeah, I remember one time we had these movers come in, dude had like, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know, like, how, how you're not in, like, how you're like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave the house today? I'm not gonna get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first of all, I don't know, and I think that the guy, in this video, he's like, hey, hey ladies, why are you, uh, like this to, why are you, push away the nice guys, and you like the douchebags, and I feel like he should start being like, by the way, I know there's a hole in my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's things that like you go, okay, I feel bad. Like, you know, this you feel bad, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just moments, you're right, it's like, like check this out, you haven't even seen this one yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Into him, yeaah. Well that, the driver is completely at fault there, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you know, that guy could be dead an hour later. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do like that. No, the, the, the, watching the legs and everything go over, that's the funny part. Absolutely. You know, just seeing like the flip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something on ice is hilarious. Yes. And deadly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've eaten shit on ice. So many times. Seriously. Oh my god. The time that you actually do it is when you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're distracted, you're like, oh, alright, we gotta go. And you just walk out the door like you normally would, and you don't realize that there's an ice patch either on those stairs, on the sidewalk, and you will, with force and momentum, I mean, just absolutely eat shit. It's funny to watch, but like, I know a dude who died. He slipped on the ice, hit his head, and he died, uh, freshman year of college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a money move right there. I feel like, just the concept of that, I'm like, that should be $500. You know what I mean? Like it's upsetting that I already know that it wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Either one I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. But like if you can see a face by, you know, putting your, wiping your hand across it, I feel like you gotta be able to, that should be, there should be a cost associated with that. Yeah. That's not some bullshit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I got one you're gonna like here. This one you're not gonna get upset at. No one's gonna be upset in the booth at this one. You're gonna like this one. Alright. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, by the way, that, those look like Florida streets. So, like, the sun cooked the shit into her windshield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like her to know we'd all love the update. She does know his address. I'm not putting it past this woman to go right to his house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shouldn't say this but I think it's violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the way to do it. I mean, if I were like, I just put in my head that this is Florida and South Florida, and it may or may not be, but if it is, um, for sure you can wait a few months, keep all that info and find people that for $500 will set his house on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, you could really fuck his world up that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm telling you, I really think the move on these things is you go to the park, you befriend a homeless guy, you go there like a couple times a week, you bring him food, and you make him trust you, and then you go, here's what I need you to do for me. And he's like, you know, he's like, yea, I live at the park. Whatever. I don't even have an ID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Noticing. This is a compliment to you, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've seen hands in crotches, by the way, at shows before, but never a full, like, I've accused, I've been like, hey, what are you fingering her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, there's all this noise. I like talking and I'm like, what's going on? And then like after the show...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, so what was all that? And they were like, yeah, they just wouldn't stop talking. I go, that's what I asked you to watch out for. Like all the talking. And they're like, it was a group. So, and I was like, so then get the fucking group out. And they're like, yeah, we're gonna, we'll work on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're about to have like a major shutdown again. I think we are. Because it's, and it's all, I mean, it's that, you know, people aren't taking precautions, but it's also that we're getting into winter. And it's, people are, it's just gonna get bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is great. This episode is also brought to you by ButcherBox, my absolute favorite. These guys have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best quality meats you can find. It can be a real pain trying to track down 100% grass-fed finished beef, free-range organic chicken, etc. When you do find it, a lot of times it's super expensive, but our sponsor, ButcherBox, believes everyone deserves some of that high quality, humanely sourced meat. When you sign up today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get their steak sampler with 6 grass-fed, grass-finished steaks. Because the best steak night is a free steak night, right? It's absolutely delicious. No added antibiotics or hormones ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Each box has 9 to 11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals. This stuff is top notch. Absolutely amazing. I love eating it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, new members get six free grass-fed, grass-finished steaks when they go to butcherbox.com slash mom. That's two New York strips and four top sirloins added to your first box for free. Act quickly. This offer is only good through Cyber Monday. That's six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grass fed, grass finished steaks for free in your first box. Just go to butcherbox.com slash mom. That's butcherbox.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I do shove a bar of soap kinda like, not quite inside my asshole, definitely on and around my asshole, and then I'll use that same bar of soap all over my body. Me too, it doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you go asshole first? I mean, I don't even think about it. I don't know. I don't know where it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brought up washcloths, grew up at least, uhm, I don't know, underprivileged, that I've, that I talked to. But it's so much more work to wash them. And it is effective, here's the thing. It is effective, but I'm gonna make a joke about it. But I have found that it's like, this bizarre socioeconomic, you know, indicator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a little kid and up until, you know, I was eight or nine, we didn't have money. Like my dad had a corporate job, but wasn't making good money. And I didn't know that we didn't have money until later on when he was earning more. And I was like, oh, we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you guys were like getting by back then. I didn't realize it. You don't know when you're... Because when you're 6, 7, 8, 9 years old, it's about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My first rule would be, do not use, uh, my last name, because I don't want to be associated with how much you suck at this. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on the chess team. So my dad, you know my dad's a chess fanatic, right? Yes I do. And he plays chess and has played my entire life, taught me to play chess when I was a kid. I went to a middle school that had a chess team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so dumb that I, I basically was like, well, my dad's really good at chess. I'm probably like, I didn't train. I just knew how to play and the school that I was at had a reputation for being like really good at chess. So when you say our school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one time, he might have like 25-30 games going, and we'll-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teaching me when I was a kid, he had a brother who was much, much like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you also don't want to be? You don't want to be the number one comedian in the world. You just want to be like, you know, in the top percentage. Because number one is the person that everybody dissects every line and every word and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, checks, and you're like, that's way too many eyeballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be better to be like the 15th best comedian in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, I was talking about this the other day, I've done, you know, Hot Ones, the, the, the First We Fee show, Sean Evans hosts, with Chicken Wings, I've done a couple, I've done it a few times. And one thing I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hot ones, and I go, and they ask because they weren't familiar with the show. And I go, you know what you're making me think about right now is that on the show, the effect of the hot sauce


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is great to watch on camera, someone's sweating and they start like fighting. I go, but it's crazy to me that some people, that hot sauce wasn't made for that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hot sauce exists, like the top level ones. And I go, who enjoys that? Who enjoys the level, you know, the level 10 stuff where you're like, like you can't breathe, but like someone thinks that that's dressing up their food. I mean, it's so bad. It kills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every sensation in your mouth, and it's not like this is a little kick, it's like someone lit fluid in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll say this, I feel like having done that show, it's worse, the eating is worse, even worse than the way out. Really? Yeah, the last three are so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've done actual hot ones twice, and I've done, like, they have a companion show that also had involved eating spicy stuff, so I've done, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's a blast. It's fun to do the show. He's the best interviewer in the whole game, I think. Like, he's such a great interviewer. But, and it's fun, like, to be a part of that whole, you know, that show. What I'm saying is like, those last three are so uncomfortable and so hot that I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aside from the, like, sort of the part where you're watching somebody freak out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, this is also a product that's for sale. Why? Who enjoys this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's this one, I think that's always like seven or eight called Dabam. And I've told them, I was like, I feel like it's seven or eight, but I feel like it's worse than number ten. Cause it's the first one that goes from like, it feels like a four to like a ten. And you're like, oh my God. What's that sensation like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I didn't realize how brilliant the concept was because what ends up happening is that you're so taken out of your, like, uhm, you're so taken out of being in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of conversation that you're, you become extremely vulnerable. It's like, it's like you were given a drug or something and so that's what ends up happening is I ask you a question in that moment


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll process this thought. I'll come up with something witty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's automatic because you're dealing with being so uncomfortable, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a truth serum. It's like a truth serum and that's the brilliance of that, of doing that to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I only asked them one time. Everything else I've kept in there. I mean, yeah, you're so uncomfortable. And here's the thing, nothing can really put out that fire. You know, when you're out and you have something kind of spicy at a restaurant,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you, water, milk, or whatever. When you hit that, that real fire level in this thing, you're, I mean, you're sweating, you can't put out that heat, you know. You're just done, you actually want it just to be over. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually think I do want to do it. It's so fun. It's so fun. I mean, I'm telling you that moment's also passing, you know, it doesn't stay hot in your mouth for 45 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, don't, aren't like, really fucking you up. It's like the last three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is that even the spiciest chicken bite, you have one bite of it. So it doesn't wreck you on the way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And by the way, like a year and a half ago, I started to be like, I'm gonna shit on a plane. No! I used to be like, you know, no matter what. Now, now I'll board and I'll be like, oh I'm gonna shit in about 15 minutes. No! I mean, it sucks. I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to do it, but I've accepted that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes the timing just isn't right, you know? Yeah. So, uh, I mean, I shit on a flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, three or four days ago, yeaah. And it was a small regional flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy was in the bathroom as we were on the approach, and they were like, sir, sir, sir, and I had a seat near the bathroom, and they were knocking, knocking, and he opened the door, and it was an older Asian man, and they were like, you need to sit down, and he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put together that this man doesn't speak English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, sit down. And he starts going back in the bathroom and they're like, no, not in there. You need to sit in your seat. And so they're grabbing him. He's old. He was in his like seventies, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they finally like, someone like, shoved him into a seat, and they're like, put your seatbelt on! And he was just like, what? Go back in the ba- like he thought they meant, go to the bathroom again. Yeah, he thought he was doing a good job. He didn't know what was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could, it was, it was, yea. And I've, I've also had, uhm, a toilet, on a smaller plane, a toilet malfunction. And they were like, uh, there's like 40 minutes left on this flight and the toilet is not working. So, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I was gonna say, uhm, you, uh, but you told us before we, you were loving Nashville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what kind of life, I mean, should be in a way, right? Cause you look at people that are not in entertainment that you know, like high school friends, and you're like, oh yea, that's life. Like, this is what my kid did today, this is where, you know, we're having fun, we went to this park, and you're like, oh, it's not always like, who sold a show, and yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have more performative burps and honestly just more powerful. I'd say stronger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You really ruined it, dude! I mean, the magic is that I had my phone in my hand and pressed record at that very moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have an update from one of our, like, kind of big finds on this show. But in order to put it in context, I need you to see who he is first before we play the update. Before we go, I wanted to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say though, normally men, what we try to do when we want sexual favors, is we try to make it as appealing as possible. I mean, I would give him notes, like maybe don't say, you can come to my shithole apartment, you know? Like most ladies are like, how's the apartment? Is it nice? And you're like, no, no, it fucking sucks. Yeah, but, Tom! Who is giving him a hand job?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, he's very inconsistent because like, that first video, he first petitions playing the submissive. Yes! I want a woman to be the show to me. And then he switches in the same video and goes, you dumb white bitch. Which is a dominant thing to say. So it is kind of confusing. His messaging is not... Yea, yea, there might be drugs or mental illness involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you ask, if you ask ten times, someone will be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would pay a dumb white bitch to go do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm, you know, this goddamn COVID, I'm supposed to tour San Francisco and, uh, but I mean, it's not going to be for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The freshest Fremont. Uhm, are you doing any more dates before the year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I don't have naturally, like, like, I don't have especially low, big hangers, like. But your dad does. Shafir does. Has big, long hangers. It's a true thing. Uh, Diaz has- You know how long I've seen Joey's nuts. I mean, did you think there was something going on when you first saw them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Little bit of both. Yeaah, yeaah. Takes a little bit. Alright, we gotta run our closing song, Where's the Bodies, Garth, by Fart Simpson and Dubree. Uhm, where should people, where do you like to send people most to see you and find your stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice to see you and I'm so happy you're doing well. Great to see you guys. It's great. That's awesome. Yeah, I appreciate it. Alright, uh, thank you for our sensitive debris. Here is the jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to be removed from the gene pool because you're too fucking stupid to be alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Takes it booger side in, smears his hands all over it, wipes it into his lips, all over his face!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $225 off your mattress purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's right here, we're about to take it in to 2021. I gotta tell you, I'm a little bummed that we couldn't extend 2020. Because this year has ripped. And I wish it never ended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing was, I don't know if, I mean, I'm not like a numerologist or super into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds, it sounds cool. And I felt like it was going to be just another year. I mean, 2020, it sounds, it sounds dope, you know, and then the year started. It was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, let's see, early March, I mean, I remember March, I think seventh, I was in Las Vegas. Vegas. And, uh, did a show at the Mirage. Uh, I think, uh, yeah, Josh Potter and I did it and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really fun, man. It was really fun. I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had a contract at the Mirage. That was neat. To do like a bunch of weekends there. And uhm, so it was the first one, I was like, this is so fun. And uh, Rogan was there, we went out to dinner, we saw some UFC fight, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes. What were you doing? No, no, it's like it's all those emotions. I mean, eating, sleeping. I didn't really get into booze. I definitely got into edibles more. Then I had big exercise kicks and then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the worst part. Violence. Violence, fantasies, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wishing I could hurt people. Trying to hurt people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when they're like, what's your problem? Like, I don't get to do stand-up, bitch. Your fucking problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, I don't want this to be a bummer. We're actually excited to take in the new year. Uhm. That's right, we're gonna buttfuck the shit out of 2020. There you go. Buttfuck it to death. And we're gonna make their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2020's anus prolapse and we're gonna make 2021 kiss it and then take it over and come into the next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll tell you this, I, uh, I do want to express genuine gratitude though for, uhm, amazing, amazing fans. You guys made this like an incredible community where we look forward to doing these podcasts every week. The live shows completely blew our minds. So much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alexis Fox, she was excellent man. She was amazing. Doctor, excuse me, Doctor Alexis Fox. Uhm, she was fantastic. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, then we, yeaah, we did that and also our main, it's funny cause our main concern, we immediately were like, well you can't do stand up. And they're like, it's not gonna happen. And then the next thing we were just like, how do we keep doing the podcast? Because at least here they were like, you're not gonna be able to go anywhere. So we brought all kinds of equipment to our home, we were gonna have a mobile set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, we're here, we're gay, and we're gonna live long. So, because HIV doesn't kill you anymore. So now, let's play an opening clip to take you in the 2020


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One with an unstable man in a parking lot. One of the staples of this show. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a big word in there, but I think that he, uhm, is of the persuasion where he could say it. He had a voice like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's black. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. The guy's speaking. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's still, I mean, it wasn't like cool, cool. He wasn't like a chill guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope that this year haunts his political aspirations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. I really do. I hope that Newsome, because it's obvious he wants to be president and will run, and I hope it doesn't work out. I hope that your dream is crushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yeaah yea


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that guy is like, what are you doing trying to get hooked? Maybe he is like eyeballing, like waiting for a hooker or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but, it's always cool, like, he's, he's definitely, he's definitely like, ruining whatever moment that guy was gonna have. Like, that guy's like, alright, I'm going to this neighborhood, and then this guy's like, videotaping him, like, hey Mr. Klansman!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, first of all, what an accent. Uh, that's a Memphis, that's a Memphis swag on that. But also, the uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so let's, before we jump into 2021, recap some of the most exciting and fun things that happened here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on Your Mom's House this year, we really, really had huge, huge, huge year. Amazing things happened. Amazing drops and clips. Uhm, of course, one of the most horrific things that happened is that the man that so many, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look to as an inspiration and as a, uh, a leader, really one of the flagship people that has come from this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On one, I think it was in February, wasn't it like right before this end of February?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Fed Smoker, episode 538, it says here, uhm, and there's the Fed, and there's the Chomobile, uhm, died on the side of the road in Arizona. I'm not sure if that was the correct date, but I felt like it was before, yea, February 12th. Look at that. That's when it came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he's still out there and that he might be the origin of the virus, that he might have the cure within him. And the cool thing is because he started 38 YouTube accounts, there's never an end to the amount of footage we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bringing the best of Conald to you through this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting the stamp on your face and, uh, keeping communities safe, uh, by harassing those who are minding their own business. Like, he really did it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we actually remember, uhm, well, let me see if we can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this guy, as many of you discovered, is a real outlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so hardcore into this lifestyle that, you know, you're drawn, of course, you see the tats and then you see the tits and the cups. And then he evolved into getting, uhm, the crazy pig tattoo on his head, which is actually beautiful artwork. We actually had the tattoo artist on the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we talked to him and he, and then Norm, uh, oh sorry, so the, uh, handle on Instagram is D-I-N-Y-E-R-O, Derek Young. D-I-N-Y-E-R-O. He's the one who did Norm's tattoos. He also then got a, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like spirals, right? This cyclical behavior where he would pig out on his deviants and then he would feel shame and go away and go to church and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all very relatable except that his is just more, you know, it's on display. Fetish. Well it's more like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got like, well first we got the, the cheapies. We got the, the Costco cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know what accounting will say, but uhm, yeah, they didn't ask like, hey, are these for your show or are these personal? They were just like, oh, they like their, their tit cups. But yeah, uhm, it was amazing, you know, to have those, those tit cups here. Now for me personally, it's no question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That my absolute, absolute favorite part of this entire year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I so fell in love with this guy. I love these videos. I love the drops. I love the story. You know, I mean, the only, the only like sad part was knowing that he was also no longer with us. Uh, cause I would love to have talked to this guy. But these videos were amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I mean, I, I would watch these videos at home, uhm, I would, I would hit up Nadal, like, send me this, send me that, send me the video file of this, and then, cause the thing is, to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What excites me the most is, you know, it's kind of like a, it's ridiculous video, but the clarity of what he's saying and then, cause I love audio drops and like the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time I saw this, I was like, oh, we just hit a gold mine. I mean, there's just so much. You know, it's like, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get like the whole, you know, just the aesthetic craziness of like a guy wearing a headset, you know, who's like in his sixties and shirtless and overweight and the way that he sex talks, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you have a, you got a big dick? Well, it's normal size. Okay. And then, uh, when you see it, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the thing is that this led to one of the real, real hits of the year. Uhm, let me see if that one is. There's so many hits. Don't Be Stingy by Hen Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so many times. And I used to get tagged in so many stories every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So every time I got tagged in a story, somebody would be in their car listening to this song and they record it and they'd always have their girl with them and they would show the girl who was like, like the girl's driving. She's like, turn this off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love, here's the thing, the other element of why I love that this clip upsets people. You know, like I love that somebody's like, I was enjoying things until you did that. That's always a fun thing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could fall into that category. Now I will say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's not nice. I'll tell ya, it's really not a nice, uh, sound. But yeah, I, I, I mean, I could listen to it over and over and over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you did. Yeah. It's really good. God. I was looking for, uhm, for the one you just mentioned, but I can't find it. Is it here? What, Robert Ball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Robert is sure that it's sexy. Yes, yes he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leo here hasn't been sexually active, like participating, hasn't been with people, men in maybe like a decade or more. So his, all his like game, the reason it's so like elementary,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is because he hasn't engaged. So that's why he's like, I'll massage your asshole. Come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he would, he would exactly do this. He would exactly do this. First of all, if my mom died tomorrow, my dad the next day would have a headset and would be in a chat room and be like, let me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay, you want me to jerk it right here? Yeah, it would be the exact same thing. I agree. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what's another incredible one? Uhm, wow. This was fantastic. Taylor Tomlinson, who is a great comedian, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had her quarter life century special came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, Quarterlife Crisis came out, uhm, early, I think it was the beginning of this, I know, yeaah, Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just absolutely killing it. Came on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we ended the episode, uh, right? Yea, it came out in February. Core Life Crisis. Uh, we ended the episode with that, um, RPC banger that, um, I think Fart Simpson and who, who did he collaborate with? Was it Mr. Clavicles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just Far Simpson, but when they did the video portion. So he did, Far Simpson did the song and then they did a video together. But Taylor, you could tell when we, like, cause it's really intense and you forget that that is like normal here. Right? Well, we don't often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Taylor was like, oh, uh, a fan song. And then it was like, big black cocks. And she was like, uh, like her, her fart Simpson, AKA DJ skull vomit, um, this song, RPC only fans banger. So it's going to take us out. Hope you enjoy it and see you next. Look at Taylor's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she was great. She was great. Um, it was just funny to see somebody and then it makes you realize you're like, oh yeah, like that's not a normal song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The banger of the year, certainly that won over so many people, and that was Grass Kingdom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, the first time I heard that, it was such a release. I was like, oh man, all my rage has gone. It was so, so, so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one, this one got me into TikTok. Like when you were doing your talks, I was like, I don't know what the fuck. And I saw this one and I was like, this is actually pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Izzy Adesanya told me the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one is amazing because, you're actually first taken by, you're like, who the fuck has facial hair like that? Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what is that man? So much hair. Did the, did your clippers just break? Like what are you doing? But then what stands out is he's so emotional, he's pleading to a woman and it's, it, it reads exactly like a direct message, like you would text someone this. He's like, no, no, this is just my public fee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To a whole new lane of talks which was just people who don't understand how it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well we're going to do something very fun today, fun and special. We are going to bring in every member of the staff, uhm, that is here today and they're going to sit here, we're going to talk to them a little bit about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their favorite memories of the year. What they're most looking forward to. And uhm, yeaah. It's gonna be a good time. So let's take a quick break. Be right back. Wow! We're back!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First up on the couch is the producer whose voice and laugh and Googling skills you know so well. He not only produces this show, he produces other podcasts, he manages all our operations here. It is the great and powerful Nadav.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? When you say 2016, like that feels like not long ago. No, it was just a few years ago, but it feels like we've done a lot together since then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I was like, I gotta feel this guy out. I met you out in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, cause those, you see them now, all the messages come in, like, I could do this, and then you're just always like, well, is this person crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do bleed denim. You do bleed denim. No, you're, you know, you're essential. You are absolutely the, you know, the, I would never say the brains. I would say the skeletal structure of this operation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I keep offering that to you guys. He resisted, uh, very much so the idea that I could adjust you, uh, with a chiropractic adjustment and then I went to your chiropractor who was like, you're totally qualified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was going to be like, you definitely can't. And he was like, sure you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mean to do that. Uhm, I- You don't mean to? I never want to actually, you know, instill


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uhm, so what about for you though? Anything that really stands out for the year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've overseen a true expansion. Like from moving into the space, well, you've been through multiple moves. Cause we used to be moved from like an office to a home to the other home. This is like my seventh studio. And it's gonna move again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real thing at like expanding. And I remember coming in here and you're like, well, we're going to need like some help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're really good, like, I would say like, once every few weeks, maybe once a month, she'll be like, hey, hey, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna watch this and I'll be like, you know, I'll be doing what? And I'll watch and I'll laugh. She's like, yeah, I knew you'd like that. It'll either be something like, uh, overtly sexual and inappropriate or aggressive in nature or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he does like that. I don't like somebody dying. You just don't mind it. No, I do mind somebody dying. What's different? Okay, what's different? Yeah, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you watch that video, you never see the man's face. You never have identifiable features. Just let me, let me explain. Let me explain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, here's why I can tolerate that video and I don't feel like, oh my god, I'm watching a death. Because it's like a figure that moves, I mean it's obviously a person and the cartoonish nature of him being thrown around in that spool, it is a funny depiction, like it is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I stand by the fact that it's a funny video. I don't think it's funny that the guy was harmed or died. I don't think that's a funny fact of the video. I'm saying the visuals themselves are funny in nature. That video is pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things did get a little too heavy, I think. Yeaah. This was a new lane. We didn't do like crazy heavy stuff before. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We do have a great team here. I will say that. We really do. And I told you every time as far as hires, I was like, look, my number one


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one thought on this is yes, of course they have to be competent to do the job, but