[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afghanistan doing a- Like reporting? Yeaah. It's a little intense for just watching a guy jerk video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Yea, but you're so intense. You're like Anderson Cooper there. Live from, uh, Kabul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not professional newscasters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but the correct way, first of all, works, it works for me, personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see. He looks intense. You look really weird. But does this one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Am I wearing it the same? Yeah, it looks terrible on both sides. You look so nerdy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No chicks are gonna date you like that. You're not gonna get your Siberian model that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got up on stage and a drunk woman in the front goes, Christina you fucking bitch! And I was like, that's a little intense lady. It doesn't have to be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't, I'd leave out the fucking, you know? I felt that kind of made it harsh. I was like, woah. I'd forgotten for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you agree, like, fucking bitch is too far? It's a lot. Yeah, stupid bitch, okay, dumb bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, this Christine stuff, I just remembered I was looking at our wedding album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that when Tom and I got married, the priest that married us in the Bahamas during the ceremony called me Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you there's a lot of YMH listeners out there that would love to be married to Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, you could do that. Or I was thinking we could franchise Morton's be franchise owners too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know you're not. You look about 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I'm the same way. So wait, so how do you know Rocco and are we gonna talk to him about YMH and tell him that I, if he remembers our conversation we had backstage when Tom was shooting, were you shooting some Def Jam comedy with Russell Peters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, he and I had a very heart to heart


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] intimate conversation about his Hungarian wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Yoshi, you mentioned when we sat down here that you're producing a show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe it because we're bred for fuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, the Russians screw it up, the Germans screwed it up, those regions, absolutely, you have to be very resilient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it's interesting you say the vagina is kind of, you can cheat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck! Yeah, plus the vagina stretches, it's meant to accommodate a peener more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you why, cause uhm, we used to live in a really dicey neighborhood and there's that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it called, not the Amber Alert? Crime maps, you can look it up on LAPD crime maps, and it'll tell you what kind of crimes and, uh, pedophiles and sex offenders are in your neighborhood. And lewd and lascivious conduct, I think, was the biggest one. Um, exposing oneself to a minor, that's a biggie too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just, it was just a fun hobby I had back in, when we lived in the bad neighborhoods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do that? No. And I tell you, I've done a lot in my day. I've been to Afghanistan, I've done Saudi Arabia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do they ever say, oh, I have to use protection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so deep. You're a medical marvel. I mean when you think about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are these Greek girls or imports? They're like Russian, Polish, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I tell you how I know, because when I was in the UAE, this marine took us to a bar across from the hotel, and it was for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I ask you one question? Back to Frankfurt. So you're negotiating with a girl. You go in and you're like, I would like to go down on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I want to have vaginal sex with you. Yeah. And she goes, okay, so what would that cost, let's say, Yosh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then so, and then you go, and I also want anal. How much more is anal? Is what I'm wondering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Africa, I maybe wanna end in Africa?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, that's not the offer. The offer is just, this girl's gorgeous, she's your type, but this little thing, she's got to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all, it's very sincere. How much do you get paid, let's say, to do your medical testing? Like to put yourself, your body in physical jeopardy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean like, you're injecting yourself full of chemicals nobody knows the repercussions of and such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause that sounded very aggressive. I didn't like the sound of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kinda my problem with some of the pornography today, too. Like, I don't really like the aggressive stuff. If it doesn't feel consensual, it's not exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yoshi, can I ask you something off base? What did you have for breakfast today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would you rather have hung out with? Ted Bundy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, Yoshi, where do you sleep? How do you sleep? Do you sleep at night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's so lovely, I'm so, you seem happy and, and I'm glad things are going well for you doing all these projects and thank you for coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you so much because I feel like you're so juvenile and that you and I laugh, and Tom too, but I don't know, I like your sensibility, you're so juvenile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The more I- I mean this is probably gonna be horrible and you're probably gonna hate me for saying this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I feel like the older I get and the more I realize we're all just humans, the less hero worship I have, and the more I'm just like, whatever, like I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would be more respectful towards Seinfeld. Like, I think that's really funny and I'd be like, yeah, he's just a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not have had the balls to, but if I were in the same room as that, when it happened as you, I would have laughed really hard. I'd be like, oh yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like me, but I'm also the kind that laughed at the class clown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there was a guy from Tennessee who farted during one of my lectures when I was studying at Oxford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nobody laughed except for me and like two other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, only like a handful of people laughed and everyone else just ignored it and I was like, how are we not gonna laugh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then when you're on his show, it just goes by so fast. He's so engaging and like you get sucked into like a world, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, were you, so were you always, uhm, a techie kid growing up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what's the future, Redban? What's the next big thing? What do you predict?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot. I have a question for you. How soon after you make a bowel movement can you get into sexual play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I still do shit the shower, but I total washlet first. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot, but then I don't even go to wipe. I just know that the Toto's taking care of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I've run it for a good amount of time and I feel confident that it's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is splattered with his browns. Like there's shit cakes on the upper inner rim. It's not a good place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. Never. Never. It's been months since I've had diarrhea. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, uhm, Korean food for lunch one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had a messy brown the next day, but it wasn't diarrhea. It was just really hot and messy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is great. The only thing with Metamucil is that when you have to go, it's an emergency. You better be near a toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gotta kinda plan your day. You gotta plan like 8 hours after you take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I found it's also, if I really get jacked on caffeine...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like my hemorrhoids went away cause I don't eat, I eat a pretty decent diet and I don't push out the browns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, is it acid reflux or reflex? I don't know, whatever. I think it's reflux.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny about that CEO guy or whatever? Like, I don't think he needed the gig that bad. Like, you know what I mean? He was an established person in his career. He's not like a young person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he thought that guy was cute anyways. Maybe. He was like alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, guys. It's not that serious. You jack yourself off. What's the difference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear it? I just farted a little one. We had zankuu again for lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't good, it was little. You're the fart supremacist, you won't try the fart mic at all times. I try all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some would-you-rathers for, uh, Brian Redban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would jack all those five dicks, all the races, for 500,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? Uh, but that's going down is different than hand jobs. That's way more intimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Custom made for you, Brian Redban. Okay, would you rather... You're gonna go into the Marine Corps. Active duty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and we're gonna station you in Afghanistan. And not like a nice marine base like Leatherneck or Bagram, like you're on a forward operating base of FOB.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's no cement, it's just dirt, and you're shitting into wag bags and throwing your bags of shit into fire. And, uh, you're out patrolling maybe, you know, you go on foot patrols, you come back every now and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but here's the upside, okay? Every now and then you get a nice MRE with some treat in there. You know, your food's okay. Maybe you get to go to like a nicer base and have like a British base where they have like Lad mags in the PX so you get to like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choke your chicken whenever you want. So like, there's that kind of benefit. Okay, so it's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you live as a Buddhist monk. Buddhist monk. That's it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what you're doing all day? You're waking up at four in the morning and you're just meditating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't sleep a lot. You're waking up at the crack of dawn, you're meditating, you're helping the poor, maybe sweeping up the whatever. You're hanging out in an awesome garden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other one is a little fun. You get in war, you get shot at. No. What? No, I'm just kidding. You just see action in one. One is an external threat and the other is an internal threat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't see you doing this. Alright, what would you take, Tom's alum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you're not gonna be able to bang, listen guys, I don't think you're understanding this, like, it's a cloistered life, you're not gonna have women, there's no choking your chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's an entire life of service to other people, and there's no girlfriends, there's no silliness, there's no- I get what you're saying. You know what I mean? It's a serious life, Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe you. I believe you. And Tom, what did you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might do a tour in Afghanistan, but then it's over and then you get your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, here you go. Would you rather never have an orgasm again, but you get to eat whatever you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you get to have orgasms but you only eat a vegan gluten free organic diet, sugar free, dairy free, no alcohol, no cigarettes, I'm talking carob chips, maybe some kale chips for snacks, like it's a pretty grim eating and lifestyle existence and you have to exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a filler up, sealer shut. Really? Yeaah, we haven't done it in so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good to know. Well, I'm doing a filler up, seal her shut, cool guys edition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we'll explain it in a minute. So, filler up, sealer shut. Which one would you rather, uhm, I guess have filled? This person would fill you up and seal you shut. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, would you rather have that guy do you? Right. Or the guy who smokes meth with his brother?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you come back, I do want a doctor update. Alright, I'll do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't like the internet because I can't find a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Lisa Ann Whitmer-Wagman. I just moved here because I'm getting a divorce and it's not final until September 18th. My husband will not give me any money. Not one penny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My stepmother won't help me. My mother passed away seven years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The library blocked my password. Now tell me, does that make any sense to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's outside this truck currently, like, nine hours. Just couldn't get up. And I can't ask my dad to get me up. Eyes to where I need him to have me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's interesting when you like write and make the show is like when you're writing a show you're like oh it'd be so funny if we like went to the desert and blah blah blah and then like cut to three months later we got to go to the fucking desert. That's like a weird compromise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That being said, I do my stock advice for people who are like, should I get into this? It's like, no. Because if they, if I talk them out of it, good. Then they've like have a shot at a normal life. But if they're like, fuck you, I'm gonna do it anyway. Then I've like inspired them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You almost just have to go into a blackout for five years. And then pop out and hope you've learned a few things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the funniest thing I've experienced, which you guys have experienced, I think another level of, is like doing a show, I've done a couple shows in front of like thousands of people, and like that moment is so wild, it's such a rush, but then cut to one hour later, I'm like, I'm pissing in a toilet alone. You know what I mean? It's like, what was that? You know? Yea, it's a bizarre uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you also don't want your girlfriend to think it's her fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, one day, one day after school, um, I was in the dance hall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. Uh, it feels like one of those things where like, I'm like, I don't know, and then cut to five years, I'm like desperately trying to have a kid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's the problem. I played drums and percussion in, uh, in grade school. Not to turn everyone on immediately. I know that everyone just got... Panty dropper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And put the posters up in the fucking room. Does it feel that way? You're like, we're brainwashing our kids. Totally. Yeah. And you're just choosing, cause you're just exposing them to things. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. Yeah, that is, I've always wondered that because as a parent, like, once they hit 12-13, they're gonna not like you anymore. I know. Totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, it does, it does look painful. But that felt planned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I was, I woke up to a guy who came up to me and like just from the back with the, with like a mallet and him in the back of the balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not funny. Not funny. Like a towel of a hand, like make it snap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fucking fun. And uh, follow us on Instagram and Twitter. Watch Corporate. Please just watch Corporate. I think you guys will like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try this guy out. Okay. Trying to sing my song. Trying to sing my song. Uhm, okay, here we go, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have another beat down for you. I tried to practice my own song. This is my introduction to my song. Coming at you. Here we go. I'll sing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to make my rap. Trying to make my rap. Trying to practice on my flow. Trying to practice on my flow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a few tips. First is what you eat. It's all about your diet. Abs start in the kitchen. That's what they say, right? Okay. Step two, you gotta relax. Okay, so don't eat. When something's going in there, you're immediate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you don't want to start out too strong. That's going to expedite your body's immediate reaction to push out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pro tip, if you do feel like you need to do a round two, please just use another enema. Do not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Refill the bottle with water. I don't know what's in that shit, but something in that solution that's in that bottle really works. Water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, I don't know if FDTRTD can be- She's not a girl that rides till death. Appropriate here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to go to Cambridge. I'm reading maths at Cambridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll have it with you. I'll pretend that you're her. Okay. I'll do it. Here's, uh, big news about her is, you know, she's gonna have the baby, literally, by the time this airs, she may have had it. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so yesterday she took, ready for this? A nine pound shit. What? Cause you know, they weigh you constantly and she lost nine pounds. Wow. She took a laxative and finally let it out after like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she didn't get into the details. But she's told me recently it's been all pebbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steal that liquid from you. They're taking everything. They're inside your body, taking your shit. Parasites, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so he can make love to a woman, he just can't complain. Have you ever faked it because you were too drunk to pop? Uh, that's a good question. Wow. I did once. You did? Yea, and I took the condom off real quick and threw it out before she could see it was empty. Wow. What a life you've had. Faked an orgasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had this woman one time and there was a, you know, I was a Boston comic and we would go out and you know, me and Rogan and Burr and all the, Dane Cook, we were doing One Nighters all over New England, you know, like seven nights a week. Comedy was so, we got so fucking lucky. We were born into a time where there was just gigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere. And so like in the first year that we were doing stand-up comedy, we were on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven nights a week, you know, making 25 bucks a pop, maybe 50 on a good night. But you were in your glory probably, right? We were making a living. It was a shitty living, but we were just smoking pot during the day, seeing movies, fucking around, writing material, and then going off to, you drive, we drive, there was a gig and it was in Maine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you didn't get a hotel. It was, you know, two and a half hours away. There was no hotel. And again, make him like 50 bucks. He spent half of it on gas. And I drive up there with another comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we get there, we do the show and it's a roadhouse and it's a hell gig and, uh, and I remember bombing so bad that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on stage and I was doing jokes and they were nice. They weren't heckling, but they were also not laughing. And I did a joke and I overheard an older couple in the front row. The woman said to the man,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I don't know, I don't know, I'm drunk, but I start sobering up. And as we're fooling around, I just realized she's just too good at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so her three year old gets up and comes in and the three year old doesn't even act shocked. This is all normal. And so I, so I go back to Boston and about, about three weeks later, I run into a buddy of mine and I'm going to tell you off the air who it is, comedian, another Boston comedian. And I see him and this guy was a horn dog and I see him and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we call the agent and we go, we want to do the gig together. So like three months later, we walk into the roadhouse, shoulder to shoulder, and we see her, she's got a tray of drinks, practically drops a tray of drinks. Cut to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After the show, in my buddy's car, double teaming her. What? What? Oh, I forgot to mention a detail. She's pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were there three months before. Do the math. Oh, right. Who knows? He didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was, it was like, if, is there an Olympics for all sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gold medalist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She hears rumblings, but she's not interested. Because we met at 30, you know, and you both, you both have just, you've been around, you've both been around. Like I remember,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to come up, I used to have a bit about this, like, trying to come up with pet names for each other that we hadn't already used on somebody else. And by the end of the week, I'm Norman, and she's Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much. I smashed everything. I mean, that girl was a rare exception. Really? Yea, I put up big numbers. Really? Well, I was at Boston University and it was just 30,000 kids. So like, you could have a one night stand and never see that person again for four years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got an email at my website from a woman who said, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, she goes, I remember. She goes, you're coming to Boston. I might come out and see you. Uh, you won't remember me because we hooked up in college and I saw you a week later and you didn't remember me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I think I was just very, I was highly motivated. Some people I think are just built to, like, I just liked, on a night, what's more fun on a night to start with your buddies, get a good base of alcohol in the apartment, go hit a bar, go in pursuit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And go walk home, whether it's the next, next morning walking home at 6 a.m.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it is such a different, you know, the crazy thing is, is you don't spend less mental energy. Like you guys are putting in the physical and mental energy, but they get to be teenagers and it's still just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're constantly, there's just meetings, there's strategy meetings every day. Because you really feel like, and you know, most of the, most of the reading I've done on parenting at this stage is, there is none. Just control the border.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because their kid, their peers have way more of an influence on them right now than you do as a parent. You guys, what you are doing now in the first six to eight years is everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of their morals, their choices, uhm, you know, how they push themselves, how they, how they self-soothe, all those things they're learning now, because once they're teenagers, they're just, they're liars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, teenagers just lie, and you take it personally when it first happens. Like, we went out one night, and we're like, we're going to a fucking movie! Hour and a half!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we come back and like, we can smell liquor and there's a guy running out the back door when we get there. And I just remember and I go, oh yeah, that's exactly what I did. And then they lie right in your face. Who is the kid running out of the back? No kid ran out of the back. Well, what's the smell of booze under your breath? I don't know booze. Just lying constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you just gotta kinda go like, alright, keep them from driving drunk and keep them from getting pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the dynamic that we're shooting for is, and it's worked with my son. My son is a different personality than my daughter. My daughter is very like rebellious, pushing the limits. She gets excited by being on the edge. Like I remember when she was maybe six?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's in the living room and she puts her arms out and she starts spinning really fast for a long time. Then she falls on her back and while she's laying there she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the opposite of the way I was raised. Of course. Yeah. Which I think is a lot of what our parenting comes from is like, all right, what did my parents do wrong? I'm going to overcompensate for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think shadow parenting, it's very hard because as your kids get older, like you have to shadow parent. When your kids are little and they're learning how to walk, you have to be a foot away making sure that they don't fall down the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you have to like make this transition. Every year they get older, you have to take a step back and redefine your relationship with them and give them more freedom and let them feel autonomous and let them start to, you know, uh, like even homework. They say, don't ever ask your kid, did you do your homework?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See how their grades are. And if their grades are bad, then there's repercussions. Let them figure out and strategize. Support them. You know, read their essays that they write. Say, if you want to show them to me, I'll give you some feedback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask them if they need support, but don't hound them every night about, did you do this? Did you do that? You know, because then it's all external and they're never gonna learn how to do it themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so, so you have to make this transition from shadow parenting to letting them, you know, make their own mistakes and have their own repercussions, whether it's from friends or from teachers and, and then you just sort of like support, support, support. Yeaah, it's brutal, isn't it? It's really hard. And it's true, their personalities re-emerge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's very, he's very much like, uhm, he doesn't want us to tell him how to do things. And he was about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go to give it to him and Aaron goes, no, that's a chocolate chip muffin. If he eats chocolate before the flight, he's going to be bouncing off the walls. And so I say, and he's already got it in his hand and I say, oh, and here you can have the muffin top, but you can't have the whole muffin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his face turns red, steam comes out of his ears. The hell is he? He's about four. And he screams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody in earshot doubles over laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his kid, and so, uh, and so he's like that as a teenager too. He, the only time he gets mad is when we try to micromanage, you know, how he should live. Right. The muffin. He's the captain of two soccer teams. Crazy. Straight A's. You know, girlfriend. Nicest, politest kid. Great!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Awesome. Home run, man. Put all our work on the daughter now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish there was something I could do or say. And you just realize, no, they just have to suffer. And it's, it's so much, you're right. It's more frequent now and it's deeper now because not only did you not get invited, you can see who did get invited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, you don't see the, the goth girls anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Kardashians needed like a fat younger sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daughter, when she was in second grade, there's a park across the street from her school, and they were at this park, it was like, you know, spring fucking, you know, play day, where they have little contests and races and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a shooter who drove past and shots were fired over the park and they all had to dive on each other. My daughter dove on a little preschooler and laid on top of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they had to go into this like, um, rec area and stay in the basement for like three hours because the guy was on the loose for like an hour. He killed like four people. Remember this in Santa Monica? Killed like four people and then they, they killed him at Santa Monica College. So she experienced the school shooting in second grade. We didn't have to deal with that. No. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think they are picking up on, you know, your kids will hopefully, hopefully the world will change, but politically, I just know, you know, they're looking at a world with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, politics that's so divisive and so toxic and they're looking at, they know that there's global warming. They understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, you know, they're looking at these dates that come out in the news, like in 2030, if we don't turn things around, it's too late. And they're, they're gonna be old during that time. I'm sorta like, fuck it, I'll be dead. But they're gonna be dealing with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the guy came today and it just, it needs like some kind of, there's a starter in a refrigerator that died. Oh, but you packed in some weird stuff. We just killed it. We just threw everything in the microwave and just sat in front of the TV and watched Sopranos and fucking ate shitty presents. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not dating. Okay, good. She's, uh, she's a surfer. She spends a lot of time served. She goes before- she'll go before school. You know what you should do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple days a week, she gets up before school and goes and fuckin' surfs in February. What? In the Pacific Ocean. Jeez, really? She's a good kid. Yea, she's intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man. Wow. Did you hear that? Yeah, that sounds wild though. Yeah, and then, uh, they, and then she, she surfs for her high school team. What? That's her, that's her gym class. It counts as her gym class. That's rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe these competitions all up and down the coast, they surf against kids from San Francisco and San Diego.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, uh, she's got a good, and then skate, there's a skateboard park in Venice Beach, you ever been to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I've seen it. It's really intense. They spent some money in the, but it's like, uh, all the, all the kind of tough punk skater kids hang out there and that's where she spends a lot of her time. Okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the family's all gonna get Irish harps once the kids are old enough. Really? That's cool! Yea, cause you know that was the symbol of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rebellion against the British when they occupied us is they, they, they tried to kill our culture by not allowing us to speak, to speak Gaelic or play the harp. And so they would hide harps in the basements of farms in the country and then they would sneak out there and they would, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would have, uh, sessions, music sessions, and they'd play the harp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because my family wants to go too. And I think we're, I think we're planning a trip not this summer but the following summer with my mom and sister and everything. So uhm, yeaah, I mean the shows are apparently amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard, I heard. I think I would feel kind of dumb though. They're just so, their language is so much broader than ours and so much more colorful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you struggling? Were you like, behind the other students?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. So you're with the general pop. Oh yeah. Oh, so it wasn't English speaking classes? No. Oh wow. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my kids both, uh, they go to a Spanish immersion program, so they started in kindergarten and ha- and they spoke two thirds of their classes for the first three years were only in Spanish. Damn. And half the kids are sp- from Spanish speaking homes, so they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Homes. And so they, so they like, uh, have no, they're, they're fluent. They still take three classes a day in Spanish in high school. And, uh, like we went to Spain and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, they don't have an American accent. They have like a Central American accent because all their teachers are native speakers. So that's just how they learned it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I speak it well in Montreal way better than in France. Montreal, they are like, hey, this will be fun, let's talk French together. You know, you talk to the cab driver, they're totally into it. You go to France and you speak in French and they answer you in English. Oh, they know. They're like, no thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a lot of times for first generation, uhm, Spanish speakers in this country, they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't want to be associated with recent immigrants. And so they won't speak it. And that's part of the pro- this Spanish immersion program in Santa Monica. It's called Edison Language Academy. It's a public school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they can't get Spanish speakers because they don't realize that their kids have an asset to be bilingual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they are like, no, I don't want my kids speaking Spanish. And it's like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real person. I'm so jealous that he can summon that excitement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know. My, uh, my friend Anne bought a, an old...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 560SL, those Mercedes, they're like the convertibles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she fully restored it and I just, I don't know, I used to be a parking attendant for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that car, this guy, Ron Faschetti, who was a, uh, he was the lawyer for the Gambino crime family. Wow. And he used to pull up in that car, and I used to fuckin' joy ra- If you're listening, Ron Faschetti, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when she pulled up in that, I had to, I had to drive it, she let me drive it, and it's got the giant steering wheel. I know what you're talking about. With the power steering, you know, that early power steering. So you got that excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. And it's, and it's great because you can drive it. It's like a piece of art that you can actually take out and experience again and again. And you know, they say money can't buy happiness, but it's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have a car that brings you joy every time you get in it, that, that improves your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I always liked old, uh, old Mustangs and that, that rumble when you'd sit down and you just felt it underneath you and the noise of it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a second faster than a Ferrari.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a Prius right now and, uh, I'm kinda done. I'm kinda done with it. Really? What's going on? I've had it for eight years and I just never felt, I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He followed me home. And I was taking extra turns to see if he was following me. And he was in one of those big like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Ford F-250s, which are so fu- unless you have pool cleaning equipment in the back or something, you're a douche. If you live in a city and you drive a pickup just to drive a pickup, you're a douche. And so he follows me to my house and I stop like a block short and he pulls up next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, hey, you cut me off in your faggity car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I was scared, but then the laughter just defused the whole situation. And then I let him curse, you know, he had a nice chest full of curses for me. And then he pulled off, and that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had this guy one time and I was driving my son to preschool and so he's like, what is that, four? Preschool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's sitting in the back and I get to a four way stop and this guy runs his stop sign and goes wide in front of my car and so I honk at him and then he gives me the finger but he can't get past me because he went so wide. So I got out of my car and I went up and I punched his window as hard as I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he pulled away and I stood in the middle of the road waving him back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then cut to like two weeks later, I'm at a kid's party and there's a little bouncy house and I'm watching my kid and this guy, Jeff, is standing next to me and he's watching his kid. We're drinking fucking juice boxes and hating life. And he goes, uh, he goes, that was me. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, you punched my window a couple of weeks ago. That was you. And he was the guy who, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went wide on the turn. So wide that I had to slam on my brakes. And then I jumped out of the car because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have rage problems. I've been arrested three times for fighting. That's why I quit drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of therapy. And I quit drinking. Yea, that's probably huge. It almost always happened when I was drinking. And the lights just go and I just snap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Because I think we both have rage problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think he knew that I was in a white rage and didn't even take in. Maybe the light was hitting the glass, I couldn't see him as well or whatever, but I didn't recognize him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I really think my kids have, my kids have seen me get angry a number of times. I try to control it, but, you know, my father had it, my father used to fucking, I remember one time he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He grabbed, we were in a bar and I saw him grab a guy and throw him against a wall. And he used to come home with, he came home with a black eye one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, he was, he was a real, he was six foot two from the Bronx. So I got it from him, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cultural. It's Irish, it's very Irish. I wrote a book called Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons and it was a collection of letters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would laugh, they would read it, they would, there was one time where I was at a, uh, I was supposed to be at school, but there was a golf tournament, and we went to Westchester Country Club, and we drank all day. It was me and my friend Nick Zapia, he had a motorcycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is when you would drink and drive a motorcycle, and we went to the golf tournament, we drank all day, and there's a, and there's a, uhm, so I, I go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the next day we're at dinner and my father goes, so how was school yesterday? I got a fucking sunburn. I'm like, it was good, it was good. What'd you learn? I go, you know, the usual math and reading Catcher in the Rye, you know, everything's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, oh, that's interesting. And he pulls out the New York Times and the front page of the sports section is Gary Hallberger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Childish and it's on, you know, the usuals, iTunes and ChildishPod.com. Subscribe. Rate review. Subscribe. Check it out, it's doing really well. We got on all the charts and we got a bunch of nice reviews from people. Childish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 27th, February 28th through March 2nd at the, uh, Grand Rapids, Michigan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Grins? At the Bob. At the Bob, right. And then I'll be at the, uh, Sycamore Tavern, uh, March 12th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Springfield, Mass, March 15th through 6th, 14th through 16th, and then, uh, March 17th, at the Hollywood Improv, I do my big St. Patrick's Day show. If you guys are around, I'd love to have you, uh, on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't do it and, uh, I'm convinced my mother did it behind our backs. Cause you know, with Catholics, it doesn't have to be a priest. Anybody who's a Catholic, who is in good standing, who's done their confession and taken their communion recently, can, uhm, can grab a kid and, uh, do a few prayers. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was raised CCD class on Wednesday and mass on Sunday and all the, all the, uh, all the sacraments. I loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I had a very, I was very upset when I realized that a lot of it was made up. I was really violated by that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in my head, I talked to him. It wasn't like the usual like begging for shit when you needed from God. It was just more like, I really, you know, I grew up in a great church. It was very like, uh, progressive and I liked the priests and, you know, CCD classes were very enlightening. Great parents were teaching and I just felt really comfortable with it. I didn't have, there's a lot of shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think, but, you know, I think a lot of the New Testament stuff really I connected with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daughter, I think because she grew up with so many latina kids, with the crosses and the first communions and all that, and then my mother is super catholic, so she takes them to church all the time. My daughter loves it. She does? She wants to know every, she's a very deep


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daughter can sit and stare into space for a half an hour straight. She was always like that. And so she was captivated by the mythology of the church and like, you know, we'll go to church and she want me to explain like the transfiguration and the ascension and all the, all the heavy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and it makes her, like, we went into a church one day and she lit a candle and was sitting there kneeling. She was seven years old. I was like, what are you doing? And she goes, I'm praying for your father. Never met my dad. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We prefer, we should make those pain cleanings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the only guys that I don't feel bad talking about poop and stuff with. You don't make me feel bad. You shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking earlier in the conference room about the Seinfeld thing. I think you guys are the only ones that really like, were on my side about that comedy story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, all the questions people were asking are like, what's your favorite kind of socks? You know, like, oh, I like white socks. Yeah, yeah. Shit like that. And then people around me were like, dude, somebody ask something crazy. And I was kind of buzzed. I mean, this was like one in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I was like, alright, fine. And so I s- I go, hey, Jerry, uh, do you wipe your butt standing or sitting down? And he goes, what? What'd you say about my wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, like he couldn't hear me. And then I go, I yell it again and he goes, I'm right next to you, you don't have to yell. And I'm like, oh, you're not hearing what I'm saying. And then finally I said it like the third time and he goes, oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, there was like one or two more questions, but what's great is somebody recorded it, uh, and sent it to me the next day. I have it somewhere in like an email somewhere, and it's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would. I guess I would do Steve Martin. Like, I want to know that answer with Steve Martin, you know? But would I do it to Steve Martin? Probably not. Like, I'd probably be like, maybe if it's in the hallway or something, you know? I'm not gonna yell at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've dated a girl though that was against farts and against poop and like my girlfriend now loves it. It's her favorite thing when I fart. Like she doesn't get grossed out. Her favorite thing? Like she thinks it's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh. God bless her. But yeaah, and that's all she does is farts. And like, like, uh, farts while sex, like farting, dirty panty farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. There's a market there too. I don't understand why people don't think that. Because like, poop emoji is one of the biggest things in the world right now. Like, I went to the grocery store and they were selling poop emoji like a stuffed animal type thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna marry her? Fuck yeah. I like that answer. She's like, we haven't even had her first fight yet, you know, in three years. I've never dated anyone where we haven't gotten fights like at least once a month or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the best thing about her because I met her and she was kind of a fan. Like, uh, she's seen every single Rogan podcast, every single Your Mom's House, Death Squad, like she knew me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through and through. Yeah, and then I met her and when we first started meeting like I was like kind of nervous like about my past, you know, and she goes, oh, I know everything about you and I'm like, that's right. You do know everything about me. Like everything about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stan Hope first, before Rogan, I believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to do his website, I designed his website, and then- You're living still in Ohio? In Ohio, yeaah. This was just me, cause I learned how to do websites, like, the first year AOL came out, you know? Okay. Wow. And no one knew how to make websites back then, you know? How old are you? Just to- Uuuh, this was probably when I was like 25? 24? Maybe less earlier than that. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I would like reach out to people I like, like Doug Stanhope and Rogan, and like, hey, you know, if I can help you in any way, uh, and so I would go to shows and film Doug Stanhope and make little videos for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, and so back then you didn't have like videos on your website, like it was unheard of because everyone had modems. So I was really good at shrinking videos to really small so you could have them on websites. So I did it for Stan Hope and then Rogan saw them and was like, I want you to do my videos, you know, so then Rogan started flying me out and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then one day, you know, Rogan just hired me and moved me out to California to do it full time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And it was great because, I don't know if you remember the story, I was working at Gateway Computers at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I got, when Rogan hired me, I had to put my two week notice in. And I was like, hey, you know, can I talk to you? I need to talk to you to my general manager. And he goes, you know, actually I need to talk to you also. I'm like, oh, what the fuck? And he goes, uh, uh, gateway's closing. So, uh, here's a severance package. Here's $3,000. And like, I'm like, he's like, what do you want to talk about? Nothing. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, we've been dating so long, she moved to California with me, she started giving me an ultimatum, like, hey, you know, we've been dating for 10 years, we gotta get married, I'm, you know. Right, cause in Ohio years, that's like a lifetime. Yeah, yeah. But Rogan was so anti-marriage. He wasn't married, he didn't, you know, like he was against marriage, so I had to hide my marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then like how I got, how we got engaged was embarrassing because like she knew it was coming. So I wanted to try to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you want a piece of gum, right? And she goes, no, let's go. And then I'm like, will you marry me? Like in the car, in the parking lot of P.F. Chang's. And she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually you don't, but she gave it back to me. It's a nice girl. Yeah, but except that, like, you know, I had to borrow all this money to buy it. I was making, when I first moved out of here, I wasn't really making any money at all, and I was living in Calabasas, cause I was like, Joe, where should I move? He goes, you really like Calabasas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were really into doing this thing called Justin TV. Back in the day, before you used, no, before, it's Twitch now. And they reached out to us and go, hey, we got this new thing where you could like stream live video. And I was like, this is sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I used to put the laptop in the green room to try to get Joe and Joey Diaz to like talk on it and stuff like that. And Joe was kind of into it, like he liked it. Joey Diaz hated it though, like, like one time Joey bent my finger backwards, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like after like episode 10, we're like, we should invest in microphones and like, like mixers. So like every week we'd buy new equipment. That's why like if the first maybe 30 episodes every week sounded different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you remember, you were with us in San Francisco when we did one of the live streams in the green room I think. Probably. Yea, like the first time I met you. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It went fast though. I'd probably say every week we're getting like 10,000 new people though. And then around like episode 10 or 20 it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is serious, you know? It was crazy how fast it happened though. But the whole time, I mean for years I would be on the road with Joe and every time we were in radio, doing radio stations, like morning radio,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time he would just sit there for like three hours. Usually you go in, do your dates, get the fuck out of there. And every time he was having so much fun, all the DJs were like, this is the best episode we've ever done of, you know, a radio program. We used to always go, you need to do this, you know, for a living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well my dad was an engineer and so like, I grew up, instead of playing with toys a lot, just playing with my dad's like electronics, like circuit boards and soldering irons and shit like that. And so I think because my dad, he made me techie. And then he bought me a computer like when they first came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I always had computers, and I was always trying to learn how to do everything, uh, and to me it was fun, because I was such a video game guy that when computers got big, like building my own computer and stuff, uh, I just, yeaah, I guess I've always been a techie guy, and now it's just out of control, like, I have like an addiction to technology, it's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google home is cool. I mean, I have, I have all the other ones, like I have the Amazon, Alexa's and those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear about like what's going on right now with FaceTime on your phone? No. There's a bug where if I FaceTime you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and before you answer, if I add a second person, if I add myself to it, like if you type in your own phone number, it will turn on your phone and you can listen in to whatever's on the phone or the camera will pop up and you can see what's going on without even the person doing anything on the other end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a suit, yeah, Apple's getting sued because I guess, uh, somebody did it while, like, in court and heard, like, the other person's, like, and, uh, they, they just, just, they just, uh, they stopped it somehow, like, Apple stopped it, uh, but it's so you can't do it now, but for, like, weeks you could do that, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, you know, it's not there yet, where it feels like you're really sitting there in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're next, in two weeks we're going to, uh, Ireland, Manchester, London, doing that whole thing. That's awesome, man. Yeah. Okay. I've never, have you ever been over there? Yeah. Yeah. How bad is that flight though? That's not that bad. It's not? Take a Xanax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diaz gave me a couple edibles once, and I thought it would be a good idea, like I'd knock out, I was in the middle seat, it kicked in, I thought I was panicky dying, going to the bathroom every 10 minutes, excuse me, can I go to the bathroom? No, no good. Splashing water on my face. The fuck, it's terrible. That was a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think I'm there for like five days. That's quick. Yeah, well I was going to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I booked all these other shows and I was gonna stay there another week and uh, in Edinburgh or whatever, Edinburgh. Yeah. Uh, but then at the last moment I was like, you know what? I'm already gone for five days. I'll just come back, you know, in the summer or something like that. Cool. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've ever done it, or, I think right away, I mean wet wipes, wet wipes, pretty much, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've bought squatty potties for like five different comics, you know, like, like Don Baris and Sandro and like I just buy them if I find out they don't have, people don't have them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I actually was looking into it, but then I found out you have to put power to it, so you have to get like a electrician in, a plumber, I mean it's just a lot, and I don't own the place, so it's like why am I in another place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many, how many times a week do you, or how many times a week do you have diarrhea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more violent than that. More violent than that? I'll record it for you. I think, I really think I have, uh, IBS, is that what it's called? Yeah. Because I mean, it's, it's, it's power, like- You wanna check that out or no? Nah, I kinda like it. No. You kinda like IBS? No, I kinda like just having it come out really fast, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Metamucil, uh, I don't know if you've ever taken that. Did you talk about Metamucil before? I'm sure we have. Okay, cause I couldn't remember who told me about it. And then one day I was like, I saw it at the store. I'm like, I think Tom and Christina talked about this and I bought it. It is, it's magical. It is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what I haven't had lately though? Like maybe a year is a Loch Ness shit. You know, like one of the ones that you're like, how is this not broken apart? You know? Like I used to get those at least once a month at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times do you guys go to the bathroom per day? Because I think mine is out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they said everything, like, I got a full physical, got a colonoscopy, like, uh. You got a colonoscopy? Or like, yeah, with finger in me. No, that's not a colonoscopy. Okay, what's a colonoscopy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're supposed to come back like two more times, but after the first time I was like, no, I'm never doing that again. It was the most pain I ever had in my life. Really? It felt like somebody was pinching the inside of my asshole, like, just like non-stop, and there was nothing you could put on it, like I tried doing pain killers, it was just like getting a titty twister in your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a funny, uh, so you ever do those like 24, or not 24.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. So I have low, I have low blood pressure. Yeah. And I got one of those. Sounds like there's a lot of good things going on. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like my physical was like, oh you just need vitamin D, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like my whole hand, like the whole paper towel. It's just red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't hurt. And if you're eating clean though, it would definitely help you feel way less. Right now, my guy, he's cool, you know, but like in like maybe a month, he'll come back out, he'll get, fill like a bubble inside of me. Oh my god. And then just takes a hard turn to pop it. Okay. Okay. How about, can we do the updated physical again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we be- Yeah, I need to. I guess I need to- Can you please? The IBS shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that like for you? Uh, well they were lesbian porn girls so it was a little bit better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, there was nothing sex, like, you have in your head, like, oh, porn stars like this and that, and then when you actually see what they do, you're like, wow, this is really bullshit and fake, you know, like, uh, like, they, like, they barely ever come, or like, but they act like they're coming, you know, and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and it wasn't that bad, like I, I thought I would be really jealous and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ended up dating a couple of them and then I dated a boy-girl porn star and that, that was hard. That, you know what I mean? So wait, tell us about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She worked every day. Every day? This girl, I don't want to say who she is anymore, but this girl was one of the top girls and she was working multiple movies every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, she's out of it now. That's why I don't really want to talk about it. But she was known for getting drilled. She was known as one of the more extreme girls. Like, yeaah, kind of like an Asa Akira type girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so she had an anal day. And, uh, usually- Do you know this the day before? Is that how it works? No, I think I knew this that day. That day. Like, like, I was like, what happened tonight? Oh, I got fucked in the ass by two guys in the ass. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was so dead inside, like in this relationship, like I don't even know how I did this, but, uh, and usually she would come home and like shower. She had like a thing in her shower that actually just cleaned her asshole out and like kind of like a douche stick. I don't even know what it was called. It was just connected to the shower. It was weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she got off and she's like, uh, she's like, uh, pick me up. I got a cool party we're gonna go to. And so we went to Slash's house of Guns N' Roses. And cause she was friends with his wife at the time. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. So, uh, so we, we do ecstasy. She's never done it before. She is gone. She's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So bad, so horny, and then, and I was like, let's go outside. We go outside and there's a sign like, do not go past this gate, you know, the party wasn't, you're not allowed going up this. So we go past the gate, and it's his pool area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's this big bush by the pool, and we go in the bush to hide, and I just start eating her ass out. And I forgot about the, the, what she did that day before, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I'm eating her butt and she's like, oh my god, I can't feel my butt. And I was like, I can't feel my mouth. And she accidentally fucking farts as shit into my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you never told her the rest, you never told her that story? I never told her this story. And she put her, she had to know something happened. I know who it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did fuck her, and then, you know, I- When? After that? Oh, at that moment. At that moment, I grabbed some pool water, swished my mouth out, and started fucking her, and then- In her butt? No, no. God, you are savage. I was on Molly, man, I had no idea what I was doing. Oh, drugs. So you forgot about drugs. And then you guys went back to the party? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not on the outside of her pants, I don't think, but I didn't really check. I just remember when she put it up, I was like, wow, that's a lot of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My two front- my two front teeth are fake, and I have- Yeaah, mine too. And cause of all my IBS acid reflex and shit like that, it's just burnt the teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they're half totally fake. One of them, my right one, I was supposed to get replaced like 20 years ago. It's like, this is a temporary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does no one have dental insurance? Cause it's kind of a rip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch both of them. I only see the Netflix one. It's, I highly recommend watching the Hulu one. The Hulu one's way more interesting in my opinion. Really? Seriously. The Hulu one's the only one that actually interviewed the main guy throughout the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. And it's very interesting seeing his side of it. It is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is, but it's still kinda, it's cool cause the other one you just see clips of him walking in doors and shit like that. Where this one you're actually like, he kinda talks about it and it still makes you hate Ja Rule though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't get, I don't get that part. I don't know if you've been following JaRu on his Twitter though, it's kind of interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Posting things and then deleting them, I think. It's like a snuff fraud. Memories like, snuff fraud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he pretty much went to this website where you can buy like these fake, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charges like 150, 250 dollars. I mean, it's just selling pirated software on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like Nintendo is, uh, like is suing him or something like two weeks later. But he's selling all this crap on his website that's just all these knockoffs. Like he's selling like a fake Apple Watch, he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm thinking, like, how is he selling all this stuff? Like, doesn't he have money? And then I realized, like, he's always holding up stacks of money. On the same website, you could buy fake stacks of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yea. That guy from customs I'm sure is happy to have that out there. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but to me that's not enough money to suck a dick. Okay. I would say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say maybe a million, but probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think, honestly, he's just playing a little character right there. Like, I bet he has a boyfriend or something. But to him, he was like, fuck yeah, I'll suck a guy's dick. I'll suck any guy's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I barely like you, nah. Would you, for 250,000 dollars, jack a guy off? A handjob. Tom, you would not do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would not do that, why would you? I know Burt would!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert likes hanging out with guys, that's his whole thing, like parties and you know, I barely like hanging out with guys, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it filmed? No. No. Do I get to pick the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you get a pick out of, you get, you have options. There's like five options.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I met Brad Pitt the other day, I've been hanging out with Brad Pitt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, if I had options, if I had like one of each race and I could choose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets guaranteed if I, when I'm in bed, if I flip from like the right to the left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can you not produce a fart at that level? I've said twice already today. And I woke up at 10am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $500,000. I mean, the only reason I would do it is just so I can move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a house right next to my, like, this rundown house. It's a two-bedroom, one-bath, rundown house. The woman had Alzheimer's. It was all nasty. They kind of remodeled it a little, just repainted it. And I was like, it was for sale. I'm like, that house can't be that expensive. It's just a small little shack. $1.4 million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, you could choose the race. I just chose Asian cause I have refer-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just think that would be easier than doing it. What would you, what race would you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's a hand job. You know how hairless this Asian guy would probably be? And what is the black guy? Covered in hair? Big muff, you know, yeah. Purple veins and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay. I don't even think you would have to go to therapy. I think it would, you know, for a hand job, you're getting all this money, you're like, yeah, that was worth it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds more relaxing, more peaceful. Interesting. Well definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could easily be a Buddhist monk. I love meditation and rap. I like sleeping. You're not gonna sleep?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good way of putting it actually. I think Buddhists are adorable. So I would choose that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the bathroom. You know, do it in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, seriously, I've already, I mean, I've ate shit. I don't want to do anymore of that. Like, I'm a totally different person than I was like five years ago or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, usually. Really? Depends on my girlfriend's working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Multiple times a day. I mean, myfreecams.com is pretty sweet. Your what? That cam website I always go to is pretty sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's way, I mean, you live once, you can't just have a fucking vegan crap diet the rest of your life, no gluten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but there's a point where it's like, okay, that's too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe in 10 years. In 10 years. Man, I had beet chips the other day. So good. Really? Have you ever had beet chips? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You woulda, I know you woulda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally, man. Have you ever seen, uh, a guy finger his penis hole? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mention? Yeaah, if you just go to deskquad.tv, click on tour dates, we have a bunch of shows that are being added all the time. Great. We just, uh, sold out Philly, but they're adding a new, uh, second show. What are you doing there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two Kiltonis in a row. And then, uh. Great. Yeaah. We have, we're going all over. Where are you guys doing it? Uh, heal you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I love, I love that. That's a great club. Both ELM's are, they're all good, but yeaah. Doing a lot of that, doing a lot of other shows, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene, uh, huge shout out. Thanks everybody that came to the shows in Fresno and Bakersfield. I had a blast. I did not know I would have such a good time and I did. I appreciate you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week, there's very, very few tickets left. Uhm, 100 or so in Fart Myers, and 100 in Augusta, Georgia. Jacksonville and Orlando are sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Montclair is completely sold out, both shows in New Jersey. Filler Up Delphia, uhm, has tickets to the Late Show on Friday, November 16th. And here's what I got for you for the Take It Down Tour. You go to tomscura.com slash tour, you can see all the dates. We've been adding shows all over the place, including the first added show, January 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two most recent ads, uh, we adding them today are Madison, Wisconsin, April 11th. We're adding a late show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 16th in Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland is French. Uh, Ohio. Thank you so much to both of those cities. Uh, The Demand has merited second shows there as well. And I've had shows all over the country, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for people that keep and continuously mention cities that I have not just announced. Uhm, I'm telling you, they're gonna come. I'm gonna do a, probably a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple months into the new year, I will announce the second half of 2019. I appreciate you asking me about it. It'll be all over Canada. It'll be all the US cities that you're wondering why I'm not hitting. They're all going to be there. Let's get into some good stuff, Jean. We have incredible clips. We have an incredible guest. It's going to be really a lot of fun today. Where is, here we go. Here's our first one. Let's do it. Are you ready, Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready to get into this? Let's start. Make sure that this is ready to go. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big fan of this lady. We'll get into this in a second. Before I forget, uhm, I want to, uh, just remind people that they'll see something unusual, whether they're watching or listening. This week we're going to tack on, we had an opportunity to sit with Kate from below deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not Kate. I mean, they look not the same. So this lady is- God, I love this woman too though. I love her speed. I identify with her actually. Yea, so do I. I mean, it's really unnerving when you're on a nice walk with your dog or your child and you see someone speeding through the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love it. That's such a good idea. Give her a megaphone though, so it projects. 25!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always. And like, as people are driving, you just hear things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, uh, are following closely Sobra October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, have no fear, guys. I can't believe how many people thought I would let them down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cutoff time is 7pm Pacific, 10 Eastern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Needs a new haircut, uhm, and then she went from really funny to a little scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like this, you know where else I would like her? On the speaker at the grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what this is here. It says the diarrhea challenge. My wife refuses to eat my ass because she thinks it's gross. However, she has agreed to what I'm calling the no diarrhea challenge. Or if I can go 90 days without having diarrhea, she will try it out and eat my ass for a full two minutes. Problem is I can't go more than 72 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without my b-hole doing an impersonation of the chocolate fountain that was in my sister's wedding. Any advice? Yea man, I mean, I really am pulling for you here, but I think number one, it's pretty obvious. You need to change your diet dramatically. See a doctor. Yea, see a doctor, but make diet changes first. You might be able to solve it on your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or he just might be having like high fat or high fives, you know, you just gotta, you gotta figure out what you're eating and maybe changing it. Well, like when I eliminated sugar, my dumps changed dramatically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the record, those nights you're like, nah, not anymore. Never dude. Not anymore. This is a, uh, oh, this was our- I love below deck. I know, we had our discussion about the number of the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, something like that. Conrad. Conrad. To remind people, the discussion was about how they were about to go out one night, and the guy reminded the girl, who he had just started dating a few weeks ago, that she still owed him 50 bucks. And it created this very uncomfortable argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here is an email about that. I was listening to your podcast this week. Enjoy your discussion about the age gap couple on below deck. A variable that stuck out to me was that the gift in question was a carton of cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy might not support Hannah's habit of smoking and not want to enable to a certain extent. For me I'd eat the 50 bucks if it was dinner or clothes, but not cancer sticks. However, I'm not as European as these boat employees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Removed from regular people. Yes. And he's been so famous. First of all, so famous. Yes, I know. Not famous, but so famous. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So long. So long dude. That he has no idea, no idea how to connect with, like, he's imagining like the guy at the gas station who's like, hey Garth, and that's who he's like, I gotta talk to that guy. And he's always, big smiles and waves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy easily has a triple digit body count and we don't know how many people he's killing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You dig up plots of land on his ranch, it's just mass graves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carolina, all that like, but we're just real neighborly. No, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I feel like, I feel like a lot of people are nice, a lot of people are friendly, but people overstate how, uh, what they are actually willing to do and what they, and like what level of, uh, friendly they're trying to be. And there's a lot of masking, uh, real rage and emotion in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that anybody that really, like if a guy is really serious about their opinion on this, it's kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Uh, she's got a nice high and tight clamshell. And her friend's got a triple layer puffy taco. But my thing is, I could slide into either one. Right. So yeaah, I mean, maybe hers looks more appealing. Right. At the end of the day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna step in and see, uh, your lady here, your friend, your bestie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A star of multiple television shows, a writer, producer, director, I mean, rapper, choreographer, film star, does it all. It is Miss Whitney Cummings. What's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did we, alright, we've talked about this before, and we were talking to you about show business before we ran the, uh, hit record here, but we always felt like, I'm serious, like Whitney Cummings really understands, like, how everything works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know how to do this shit early. We're talking about like, early on it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember you being on roasts and I felt like you going from roasts to television, I gave you, I was like, this is a calculated move on Whitney's part. She knows to move the chess piece here and there and there. And I was like, I don't know how she knows, but she knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were so savvy. I also thought, cause you had, you know, so much going on. I was like, one of the things that a lot of people struggle with, and I think especially comedians, is having the audacity to say, I want this, this, and this. And in my mind, you were doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well they were, especially when we put it in context like that time, that was like the biggest thing happening in comedy were the roasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean even now like they'll go like four years without one and then all of a sudden they get huge ratings because they have it back. Like the roasts work for Comedy Central.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, by the way, it's so great. I remember being, I was in, I was in Melbourne, Australia with, uhm, Hannibal. Yeah. And we were talking, I was like, yeah, oh yeah, my, my half hour had come out, like half hour had come out, uh, four or five months prior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were talking and I was like, yeah, so you're going to try to do the half hour on this next round. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're just going to go for the hour. And I was like, what? That's so crazy. What do you mean? He's like, yeah, we're just going to go for the hour. I'm like, you can do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the biggest like, uhm, I don't know, uh, reward for me to say no to is an audition that I'm like, I don't want to fucking go out on that. And, and like when I used to be like, I think I don't want to go out on it. And they're like, you should go. And I was like, alright, I'll be there. I'll be there. And now I'm like, I don't want to read for this bullshit. And they're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I get this was always the thing is I'm always amazed by how many, uh, agents think that what if I get it is like, why are we having that conversation? Like that's the point of going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I always am like, where does this shoot? And they're like, uh, I can find out. I'm like, find out. Find out because I want to know if I'm moving. And then they're like, okay, yeah, yeah, it does shoot in Toronto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you got engaged recently, and that's why we wanted to, uh, bring Jada Pinkett into the mix here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that like? What does the guy who hits up Whitney Cummings say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So ready to get uncomfortable. Imagine, imagine you're not engaged, right? Let's go back maybe a couple years. You're single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but let's say you're single, you're single. You're single and you're out and you have a night out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would have laughed. Anyway, uhm, and you have a little chat with them and you're like, ah, blah, blah, blah. And then for whatever reason, maybe you have a couple of drinks, you exchange information, but you don't think much of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's the level of embarrassment I feel for him, because everyone has, has done something to a degree. Yea, of course, humiliating. You know, where you send a text, but the fact that he went full throttle. No, it's full trottle. Full trottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said this to a 19 year old freshman in college, and he's obviously not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just make sure that when you get shit about slutty in the Inca costume that you don't respond or engage. At all. At all. Never engage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do think that the best formula for doing them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of them have fucked up with being, and I fucked up, I mean, because you get kind of like, I'll just leave it all in, you know, and it's like 72 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so here is some, this is Andre, who made his own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that even mean? It's an antiquated POV. It's a guy who's going like, uh, you know, uh, I'll make a lady feel like a lady cause he's fucking 30 years old. It's like a chivalry thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, he probably left there. I kind of identify to a degree where like I remember, you know, that dude probably hasn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At his age, hasn't talked, probably even spoken to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna go off, cause he probably remembered moments when they were having a drink or sharing an Uber or whatever the fuck they were doing, that he was like, this is special. He started to tell himself that it was more significant than it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, she was a university, a fucking Iowa freshman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might have the thought, I met that girl, I want to send her a video, like, and your brain would be like, what are you, your fucking mind? No. So yeah, then you send a text or, you know, you play out what's the way to approach this. That guy just doesn't have any of those skills. He doesn't have the ability to stop a bad idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was really nice, and I could tell something was off, like something was definitely off, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My room and I was like, why? He's like, I'm going to be with her. He was probably like late 20s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's super creepy. And here's the thing, we were working in, we were working as site reps for productions, so we would go to a- So he's waiting to be on a movie with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, I mean, like, we would have, I mean, I did one of the site rep jobs with Beyonce. So, I mean, she could have been at any of these things, and yeaah, he was really scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought the ring. Oh, then I won't. No, that's all right. I bought the ring. I was going to do it. I bought it, let's say in September. I was going to do it New Year's. We're going to do this vacation in the Keys. I was like, that's what I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And I was always, I was like, there's no way I'll be able to hold on another six, eight weeks, uh, to do this. No. Or she'd find it and pretend she didn't. Where I was like, I just, you know, I'm just gonna do it right now. I didn't, that wasn't a plan. It was obviously like just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, look, Whitney's got wonderful, beautiful, radiant teeth. Yeaah. Let's talk about them. You really do. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you, wait a minute though, uhm, are you, I bet you, you do a lot of care though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We like to shame a lot of inappropriate behavior in public


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came in, because people send us videos of people, like clipping their toenails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are good. Those are good. The, uh, the, it's Mark Zuckerberg for those. Yeah. Mark Zuckerberg was worth like 30 billion dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure someone at Facebook was like, you should do this. It would make you look human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, everyone has their own rates and you know, we don't want to get into their personal business, but I'm not sure, I'm not sure what he charges, but I'd be interested in signing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so people can, uh, where are you going to be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've had it a bunch for January. Whitneycomings.com. Go see Whitney live. She's coming to your city, Bakersfield, Cleveland. Oh, sorry. That's already passed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a surprise, what a nightmare. A bunch of cities, see her live by her books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and as we mentioned earlier, this is a rare occasion, but we're gonna take you right now to our in-depth conversation with Kate from Below Deck, who was in here visiting, and that will be that. Thank you guys, we'll see you next week. Thank you Whitney very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've watched you for ye- I feel like we've been watching you for decades. But it's only been a few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five seasons, for those that don't know that are listening and watching, we are hardcore fans of Below Deck. Uh, the Bravo TV show that takes you on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're at, yea, like a beautiful hotel and you want nothing but impeccable service and what we've discovered first of all is that not only do we love impeccable service in real life, we love watching people, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deliver impeccable service on reality TV. And we love watching people who know great service, uh, yell at people who don't know how to provide impeccable service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. That's right. Uhm, and you end up, of course, being much more fascinated by downstairs. That's the thing. That's where all the good stuff happens. That's where all the good stuff happens. How did you, okay, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody can obviously check out the show. You're gonna be into it. It's so great. There's so many characters, but like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before obviously the show you've been working on Yats, how did it even come about? How did it start?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also you're cleaning and you're, when you see on a reality show too, those cameras are always rolling, it's like 1 in the morning, 2.30, someone's still doing dishes. Kates up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so what, so can you tell people what kind of money they can make in that world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much, how much is that a reality of what's happening to you, not being, not filmed? Like you're out there...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're working, how often are you dealing with, you know, undertraining? Pretty often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uhm, yeaah, I'm so like fascinated by the world. I'm also somebody that I feel like I really appreciate. Appreciate great service. And it kind of like really gets under my skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm somewhere and not getting, especially if you're somewhere where it should happen, you know, like you go to a nice hotel and you're like, the fuck is going on here with the front desk and no one's answering the phone when you call and you're like, and you're paying a bunch and like, it's not that I'm, uh, I feel like I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and I also like, it's also why like if somebody, I don't know, even talks to you shitty, you're like, yo, I, I treat everyone with respect. So the moment I feel like I'm not being treated with respect, yeah, it just makes my blood boil, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I didn't make it a thing again. I was like, I took a couple bites and I was like, I'm full. Thank you very much. So I don't know. One time I did do something out of emotion where I got like kind of disrespected by a restaurant. So I put a post on my Instagram and told them to leave negative Yelp reviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a couple of things, like there's so much stuff that we're like obsessed with on the show. One thing that you touched on, I think you touched on it this, we even went back, we started watching uh, season 2 when KK came on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know Lee before? No. Nope. No. Cause he has that great line when he goes, should, he goes, uh, Kate looks like she should be chartering the yacht.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're so nice. And I've paid enough. So anyway, uhm, so if, like, here's what I'm curious about. So on the show, you know, people are obviously chartering for a couple days, but typically somebody goes on a charter, a yacht, uh, it's for a week, I think is the standard time, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what is the standard for, like, I've looked up and I've seen, you know, that you can charter these yachts, these super yachts, mega yachts for 100, 200, 300, it's crazy money. What is the industry standard for tipping? Is it a percentage of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and it's big enough for the guests to feel like there's plenty of rooms to go to and move around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. Which brings me to the next question perfectly. A lot of the previous seasons, and I think most of the time, like I'm from Florida, so you're just exposed to the Caribbean. Huge difference between working in the Caribbean and Tahiti?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, that's one of our, cause we basically watch the show, it's entertaining, it's dramatic, and then what it is, is you, you go into fantasy land of like, here's what I would do on the Charter. And then we plan out, like, if we have Chef Ben, we're always like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when someone's just like, you got fries? And he's like, yeah, I can make some fries for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta tell the audience, for people that don't know, what happens is a lot of times people come on and then they'll give their food preferences and we want to have a beach picnic and by the way, uh, we'd love for one night to be, uh, to be like a frat party night. Yeah. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it'll be like, you know, we have, uh, it's an all white party.