[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm Greek, and so people always say, oh the Greeks, you know, the Spartans were, they did gay stuff even though they were warriors. He's using that, he's using the most masculine warrior shit to do it, but I mean, he could just be like, hey dude, I'm into dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear the Ja Morant story? The Ja Morant story is incredible. When he was coming up, he was short, he was really short. And then he like, he had a spurt, he got up to 6'2", but they were in these gyms and there was an A gym and a B gym. And the B gym were for like the lesser players and Ja was in there because he was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he ended up getting a, going to school and changed everything. Like if that coach, if the coach didn't do that for the Doritos, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think shit like that's meant? I kinda do sometimes. That's a weird...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, LeBron's great. His body type is so different. He's a mate, but he's not Jordan. I mean, he's not fucking Jordan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the closer comparison is Kobe. I think Kobe is the closest thing to Jordan that we've seen. And I think Lebron is just a different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lebron is just the type of guy that like, he's gonna go out to the movies with his kids after a loss anyway. Yeah. Where like, Kobe will just sit home and stew. Yeah. And just be like, what the fuck did we do wrong? And like, can't handle. You ever see that video of Kobe watching his teammates laughing? Remember he's on Kimmel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on Kimmel and Kimmel goes, here's your teammates and they're like, they're getting blown out by like 20 and you see the Laker, like they're laughing, having a good time and Kobe's just seething. Seething like you fucking pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then there's, then you get that confidence because you know what you can do. But there are people that are so insecure that they project it and I'm not, I feel that. I feel your projection. It's like talk to your fucking father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to your mother and father, don't fucking do it to me before I'm going on stage. You know, and you can feel it, cause it's all a projection of their shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they put it on us and, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like, cause I have my shit, but I'll never put it on a peer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never, you know, I'll put it on myself more than I'll put it on somebody else. Cause that's not really my, I'm not gonna put my business in you and comics are fucking damn, that's the one thing about this business, dude. That I've really learned and I'm really accepting. That it's just filled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Is he from Sicily? No, my father was born, from the Bronx, and grew up in a Bronx tale. That's what he did. No way. Yes, like that shit is him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just, I mean, he, dude, my dad legitimately roots for the bad guy in movies legitimately. Legitimately wants the bad guy to like, yeah, my father, crime is like, you know, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like 6 a.m., I'm not, he was one of those, you know? But then I start hearing, oh, you know someone's so autistic, right? And I'm like, what? Like, oh, that person's a little autistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they said, didn't they say some sign film? And you find out all these, you're like, oh, maybe there's a lot of, listen, I have my shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went through stuff with my parents young and probably why we want acceptance, right? We all have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then there's people, like you said, where when you were at the store recently, you see things, you're like, oh, this person's fucking gone. There are some people that are fucking gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like we could kinda get together and be- Yeah, well we're family people too. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did that, I, I was one of the first ones, cause I was in my twenties when I had my son, so like comedians were like, how are you doing that? Damn. Yes, like all of my friends were like, I have a lot of friends going, Paul, I did this kinda cause I saw your model, like Yannis, and all these people were like, cause I was just like, cause that whole thing of if you have kids it's gonna hurt, no it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you know, 30 when my son was born and like, you know, and, you know, yeah, it was hard to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hand them off when my wife came home from her full-time job, go to the city and do spots, but it made me better. And it made me like the idea of like being in a studio apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just running around, like doing spots for rent and then coming home to nothing seems fucking horrible to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and not judging, but it's like, I couldn't do that. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would spiral, yeaah. Having support and stuff, yeaah. And you guys are the rarity, you guys actually like, fuckin', cause comics that go- are together, it's hard a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that shows that you guys like really care. That's the difference. I think caring people, family people just go through life, maneuver through life a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like fucking, and I'm just like, and then I go home and talk to him about it. And it's like, what am I worth? Oh dude, I almost got, did I? Oh dude, I got a story for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of things crazy happening, I was in, when I was in California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, can I, can I tell a story? Yeaah. Okay, dude, this is fucked up, man. This is the most scared I've ever been. So recently, a few months ago, I was in California. When I go to California, I like to stay in Burbank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's just easier for me to kind of maneuver if I have podcasts. So I remember I was going there. I had to go to all things comedy. Then I had to go to Bobby Lee, do Tiger Belly. I had to do all these things and like the day of I get there. So it's just a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I do that. Then the next day I settle down, I play golf and I'm starting to get acclimated to the time change. I go to this hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I'm like, all right, I'm kind of figuring things out and I get, take my clothes off. I'm in my box of briefs. I get under the covers. I'm all comfortable. And I'm like, all right. And I hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the 10 o'clock at night and I'm tired. So like, and I'm still on the time thing. So for me, it's like one. Yeah. Yeah. So I look at the fucking, I look, I don't say anything. Thank God. I didn't say anything. I walk up and I look in the people. Okay. Talk about wanting to get home to your kids. I look in the people and there's a dude, no shirt on jacked wool hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something behind his back and he's looking like this, very suspicious, at my door. Fucking jacked. And I'm like, and I had a couple tequilas and the golf course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just got sober real fucking quick, right? And I'm going, what? And he's just looking around like he wants to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was really fucked up, and I'm like, luckily, cause normally, you go, oh I don't need anything, right? Or I don't need, I didn't do none of that. I was just, I walked up, and I looked, and this dude was, and he looked like he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he looked malice and he looked like something and he's looking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, and you know, and I had like, it was like a sweet, so I had like a kitchen. I'm like, dude, do I grab something? So I just let it go. He leaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I go to the, dude, I swear to God, like 10 minutes later, I go to the curtain and my room is looking down at the courtyard by a pool and I open the thing a crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just fucking staring at me, dude. He's walking around the pool and he's looking at me. And he, and I, I didn't open it a lot. I just opened like an inch and he's looking at me, dude. This was like fucking, somebody was like, yeah, she was like Cape Fear, dude. I'm not joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'm going, what the fuck. So I call downstairs, I go, hey man, there's a dude with no shirt, he's knocking on my door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright dude, like I called downstairs, anything? No, Mr. Verza, we haven't seen anything, but we're looking, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I start to, I start to feel better. And I'm like, okay, guy's at the wrong room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. Yeaah. Right? This guy's at the wrong room. Right? I'm still, I don't get dressed, I'm just like, you know what, I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna start to, and I go back to the fucking, I like start walking back to my bed and 15 minutes later,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BANG! BANG! BANG! And I look in, and it's this dude again, and he's going UGH! And he's throwing his fucking shoulder in. Dude, now, now, now it's survival mode, and the only thing stopping me from, and I'll be honest with you, something bad would have happened to me or him if it wasn't for that deadbolt and that latch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now, I fuck it immediately while this dude is banging, I fucking get dressed. I pack my shit, I'm like, I'm leaving here. Right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a man banging on my door. I need to get escorted out of this fucking hotel right now. He wants to do harm to me or somebody. And she goes, okay, let me, is he still there? I go, ma'am, get, and she goes, okay, okay. I said, call the cops, call the, so they call me back. I said, call the Burbank police department right fucking now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I'm like, now I'm gonna do it. Should I grab a fucking knife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm, and I'm like, fuck man. So I get a phone call from downstairs and she goes, the Burbank Police Department would like to talk to you first before they come here. Here's their number. Make me call. Make me call. Noooo. Swear to God. Swear to God. It's all recorded. It's all documented. There's no, I don't, I'm not bullshit. Nothing, none of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I call back and they're like, ask, they're like questioning me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're going, so is he still there? I go, I don't, he's banging on my fucking door, man. Get me the fuck out of here. So I'm really pissed off now. They leave me on hold. Finally, I hang up on the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hang up on them, and I call downstairs, I said the two guys that were searching for me, I want them at my door, I want them to escort me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, all right Mr. Fritz, do you want us to knock or what? I said, I'll see you come to the door, knock three times or twice and I'll see. So finally these guys, they come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They escort me out, they're trying to ask me questions, I go downstairs, they're questioning me, like I did something wrong. Now I feel nuts. Like, did I fucking see? Was this hard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, he started so, so he starts pounding on the door, throwing a grunting, trying to get in. And that's when I got on and I said, I need somebody to come. And then like after a minute or so he left or I didn't hear it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so they escort me out, I get on the phone and I actually, I was, I was golfing with Mike Bertolina. And I call Mike and I go, dude, is there a hotel you know of? And he's like, my wife said you could come here. I'm like, nah, did I need to fuck in? So he's like, why don't you go to Universal City? So I went to this like nice Hilton universe giant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's one guy, there was one guy who like was saying some shit. Like from California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I need this shit. I need this shit in my fucking life. So anyway, I call long story short, I call up and they were like, uh, we can't give you information, but somebody was escorted off the property.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, the next day I call and the guy, the guy was like, Mr. Verzi, I can't give you too much information, but you were not targeted. You were not targeted. It was a random thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, you're, you're clear and all this stuff. And, um, yeah, man, and I'll be honest with you, that, that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was the first time where I was like, I want to get home to my- and I had to be in California for 13 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was doing podcasts in LA and I was doing a bunch of things and like this is only day three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was just like, but that, I could say that was the scariest shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Work the same way? I wonder if you've just called 911. That's a good question. I, I, I was thinking the hotel would have my back. Yeah, yeah. I was thinking the hotel would call up and say- Save that, next time is just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I did Rogan's Small Room here, and it is the greatest, one of the greatest. It reminded me of how great the, the Denver Comedy Works is. But also the Red Room, the Red Room at Cap City, that little room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, the weather's nice, the people are friendly, the comedy scene is great, but it's fucking gross, dude. Yeah. It's downtown. Agreed. Don't go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrifying. That was probably one of the most scared, cause it was almost like, you know, fight or flight, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, when, I don't know if you've ever been in a situation where like, there's clear threat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that's, that's like, the level of, the level of irresponsible, like that's, like that would, I'm putting myself in your situation or, and it's like, well my, somebody said like, Paul, would you let your, you know, would you let your kids do stand up? And I'm like, dude, when I got into stand up, I came in, I was doing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, I was doing all the black rooms in New York City and it was, you are gonna fucking kill or bomb and you're gonna know quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm talking Talents Room, Capone, okay, all these guys that were like, they called the New York Kings of Comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drove from like Westchester down to 125th street in Harlem to do Uptown Comedy Club where it was 250 black audience members dressed to the nines and they're going to let you know. But then when you crush, they're like, Oh, white boys funny, you know, and then they want to put you on the circle. But I came up like that, doing things like that. I couldn't imagine my son or daughter just getting in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, dude, I can't believe you said that. You know, when the Netflix thing came out and people were like, dude, you're so funny. It was nice. But recently Joey Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, said something about me on a pod, and he was just like, dude, this kid is fucking, and he just started saying all these amazing things, and he's like, that special is great. I fucking felt better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About that. About a guy who has seen comedy for fucking decades and watched it. You feel better about that than actually watching. When somebody that, you know, uh, I remember the first time somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what I was saying though before is I missed you guys in Vegas. Because, uh, yeah, uh, Andrew Russell hit me up, the great Andrew Russell. He goes, Hey, why don't you come? And it was like, by the time I found out, I was, I don't, I'm not a drug guy. I don't do like, I don't get really like, I'm, I'm more drink more. I'm a cocktail guy. Yeah. I'm not, but I, I hit a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hit a little something and like everyone that we were with was just in their rooms, gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was just like me playing cards and I'm like, dude, am I gonna get in a car high, drunk, alone, late? And I just had that weird thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it? I know, I know, but I think, and I think figured out why. Cause I had a little weed, which I normally don't do. I drank, but I think that that story in the hotel, I just think like being a little high, which I'm not used to. Well, here's the thing. And drunk. I would have been felt we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a traumatic event. That's why I was like, I don't want to be in Vegas in a car at night at, you know, high and drinking and, you know, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I could have, I would have loved to come and hang, and I should have, but like, I was just like, I'm high, what if this Uber driver, like, that's probably where, yeah. That's the origin of it. I'm not, are you a drug dude? No. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No man, I'm not, like I have to do it at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My. Me too. I took a, uh, well I had a, I had a sponsor send some stuff and I used to take like the five tens. Yeah. So they sent me a new, they sent me a new flavor and it was like a peach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I'm going to bed. Let me take a five milligram peach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the weirdest thing. I started to feel sad, but I embraced the sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I- Oh my god! What? Were you, were you walking- Okay, no, no, check this out, but there's a little, there's a little twist. My wife is going like, you sounded like you were having like a party with yourself. And I started pouring wine and shit. And I said, Alexa, play sad 80s music, right? And I'm feeling


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes, and then I went and she goes, your eyes were bugged out of your fucking head. My eyes were, and I go, what? Three days later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, yeah, no, I'm talking a friend, a friend of our family's into going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like micro. Hey, have a little dose. And I go get this peach thing. It was fucking mushrooms. That's why it was bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luckily it was only five milligrams so I didn't go to another place, but when I said I embraced the sadness, that's what it was because the regular edible, the weed would just make me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tired, relax, put on a- right, put on a movie. But I was like, talking to my- I was like feeling everything that I was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like smart people, the smart people talk to themselves because they're trying to figure out what's going on. Like dummies just pass out or they just think, I think somebody who has like an active mind has to fucking figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he told me he was working on Martin Luther King Day, and I go, why? And he goes, that guy's a pervert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to God, he goes, he goes, I don't take off on Martin Luther King Day. You fuck, guy's a fucking womanizer. Guy's a pervert. They're glorifying him. I was eight. That was a little kid, man. My dad said some wild shit, dude. You know, he's just one of those, my dad loves Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, it's weird, you know, it's, I don't even know if it's definitely a Republican thing because he loved Kennedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Trump, cause my father like, this is gonna sound, like my father is so America, like first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Like, you know, when he called those third world country shitholes, my father's like, they are, they fucking are. They're letting me fucking know. Like my father says some wild shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's, I think that that's what it is too. I think him being very brutally honest, like my, like my dad is. My dad told me when my comedy special came out, he called me and he goes, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to tell you how proud I am. It's really funny. He goes, I don't know what I would do if it was bad. Cause I'd have to tell you. You know, he was like, I'd have to, I couldn't lie to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's fucked up is he was so hated and the two wars and all that and then afterwards the hate for Trump was so great that when George W went on Jimmy Kimmel, he came on Jimmy Kimmel and got like a hero's welcome. They went fucking nuts for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you eat rice, whatever's left and you're done, it's gone. It's gone. You scrape it in the garbage and that's it. It's rice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. If that's real, that place needs to be shut the fuck down forever. Of course. Forever. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, by the way, your Instagram, I messaged you on this after I did your show. Uhm, your Instagram has gotten me sick. Your Instagram has gotten me sick. The stories? No, her Instagram stories, I saw this Asian woman and I didn't know what it was and she started eating something and I messaged you, I go, why did you do this to me? You're supposed to be proud. How do you find it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, you know what man, there's people that fucking have feeding tubes that want to get rid of the feeding tube. You know, instead of this shit. That's enraging to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, no, it got rescheduled. We had to reschedule it, so, uh, it'll be, uh, June 8th, and I'm looking forward to it, man. It's fun. You've done the Grammar Suite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now? Nah, kinda. But it's not- Do you wanna just pause it? It's gonna- Nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please? It gets chalky if it sits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Metamucil game hasn't been putting a dent in my Browns, so I texted our doc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, you need to take at least three stool softeners a night. God. Or a, a, a Dulcalax, which is one laxative. So I've been taking a laxative every night. And that just makes you go normal? That makes me take one normal brown in the morning. And if I don't do it, then I don't caca. It just stays in me. So wait, what are your hormones doing to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. This is from Goodwill. When I'm not wearing the sweater, I hang it up in my closet just so I may admire it. That's how much I love this crazy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surprise. And I will, one spoiler alert, there's a tremendous dong in the film, which I'm always a fan of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, and I think there's a su- there's a couple of superfluous scenes in that film, just to showcase what this guy was packing. For instance, there's an ending scene. The way it was done was just to showcase his unit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the hang on it was, was lovely. It was a lovely bounce, a soft bounce as they say. And what, I mean, and to be able to see it in the shadows like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So does Bjork. The Icelandics. Me and that guy. Yeaah. Barry Keoghan. Barry Keoghan. He's Irish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much dick action. Jesus, you're such a whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? Oh, yo, we have some very important follow-ups. Yeah, how's that? How's the Metamucil for you in your first shot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and Rosamund Pike, I adore her. She's great. This whole cast was just lovely. They're so good to look at. And it takes place adults, which we all know mommy loves. And once again, there's dicks. And there's sticks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you why, because in the moment I was taking it back by the character, what had happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I think about cocks. Speaking of cocks, we were discussing airtight, the concept of going airtight. That's when a lady gets one in the pink, one in the stink and one in the mouth. And we said to ourselves and to the audience, does this really happen? IRL as the kids say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's a stone cold killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well anyway, that was a cool uplifting story. Thanks Tom for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another YMH News. This is the airtight follow-up we asked women to write in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any broads out there that are airtight? Surprise, surprise. Two dudes rode in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a girl. We all fucked her. Not simultaneously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, she fucked my three friends once. She was disgusting, but this was out of character even for her. Two of them were fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the fats smelled bad. It smelled bad. And the guy that was in his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I grew up in the most whore-ish sector of the US. I know multiple females that have taken two guys at once, like a lot. I also know a few girls who have done three at once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll do you one better. My ex took a trip to Gulfport to the military base down there to cheat on me and wound up doing five at once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But imagine you're 20 years old, you're on a military base, maybe haven't been with a woman in a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little questionable that dudes write it. Like, they always know a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you fluff before that scene? Of course. Of course. It's your big moment. It's like doing pushups before you take your shirt off for the scene. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep fluffing, mate. Keep on fucking fluffing. But everybody was so good looking in that cast. There's probably semi-hard all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to know what happened to the girl with five, five at once? Just there's more, there's consequences. Oh, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is great revenge, just seeing her get fat and depressed while I live my dream, traveling with my family and racing motorcycles. Hope this helps!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five oh one, I mean I'm not even, I can't even fathom being that coordinated. You're just bracing yourself on one end, you're doing something with your mouth, and then your hands too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a spoiler alert? If I bring up the people in this movie, they masturbate loudly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just wondering in real IRL if people are masturbating this loudly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's nothing to do for an adult. You wanna do the fucking Peter Pan ride again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to go on Dumbo? You want to wait two hours to ride a 90 second Dumbo ride? I had the best time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he doesn't seem happier at the end of the, he's not relieved. Yeah, he's like, dude. He's like, well, oh no, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, everybody, I mean look, I've got huge tits. I've had to buy, uh, special bras my whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and hold on, if you're fat, then you're not an athlete, correct? This is kind of a- Well, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, if you're working that hard, wouldn't you want to be slender? You know what I mean? You're putting in all that time and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, a trans woman, so just because I'm a dummy. It's a woman, it's a man that became a woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because like, yeaah, to his point, we have two children, we have two small boys, so like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I didn't know, I thought you meant that you buy everything on the cart and then you just put it together on your, you know, counter and you put the tacos together. But the taco kit implies it's a single product you can buy with all the shits in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're making seasonings. I like, I will, I'm gonna purchase that. I do like the Taco Bell seasoning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Food related. Sometimes food, if you're eating tomato based, cause I used to get this too. It's like a rosacea or an eczema.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is total- Are you? Yeah, I have like garbage food preferences as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true, she's being good. I like Korean food, I make my own Korean soups at home and he won't even whiff it. Listen, she's like every... He won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask, I want to ask our friend here, what's, cause you do have extremely latchkey kid taste, as do I. Like I love Kraft macaroni and cheese, that's all I would feed our kids. I wouldn't even, I don't even, they don't even know what real mac and cheese tastes like. Real meaning with like real cheese. I love, uhm, shaky cheese, parmesan, you know how to craft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you know what my favorite is now? Is cream of wheat. Ew. Just gross. I eat it, I've been eating it for a month every morning. Why? Cause it's just bland and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's just typical cracker food. Just some milk, yeaah, sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the junkyard dog in me likes the fakeness, but the meat is not as good at BK. Honestly, the meat has always been a deterrent for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Jack in the Box tacos with the American cheese? I bet you like those too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let's be real, I mean Burger King or McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's interesting about McDonald's? We just talked about this last week. McDonald's is the one, like one of the fast foods. You have to eat it hot. Like right fresh from whatever they do to you. If it even waits, it smells like farts and your car will smell like farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, McDonald's is a happy meal for a boy or a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I can't remember the last time I had a filet-o-fish, but it's fantastic. Oh, fuck yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna go take a dump. We'll be back in a little bit to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here I am, Buckingham Palace, home of Queen. Freddie Mercury House is here. Freddie Mercury, very good homosexual man. He have mustache like Joseph Stalin. He is my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We couldn't get a ride to the border, so we got a hotel room near the bus station. Hopefully we can get a bus in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, look, it's the holidays. Why don't you give yourself the gift of the best GD night of sleep you've ever had. Buy yourself a Saatva mattress. S-A-A-T-V-A is the name of the company. I've slept on their luxury firm, I sleep on the, uh, the Lumenleaf, and now the Solair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single one of these mattresses is life changing. Why? Well, first of all, you can get a king size, a huge size mattress for a fraction of the cost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send it back. They can take away your old mattress for a nominal fee. Uh, setup is easy. Customer service is just wonderful. They even have sheets now that are just outstanding. So go to sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like you just get tired of healing, and you're like, fuck it, I just wanna do what I wanna do. Fuck this. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're going to have dinner tomorrow night with a friend who's in town and you're like, you're like, I made a six o'clock reservation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't want, because I don't want, first of all, I don't like eating late. I, I stop eating by six o'clock. Really. Cause then I like to go to bed on an empty stomach and that's how I stay so beautiful and thin. Now, if I'm eating late at night, don't laugh at that. I am thin. Don't, if I eat, eat, eat, eat late at night, then all night I'm just sleeping on whatever fat shit I eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're burning off the calories. If you want to click for instance this morning at a pop chart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, I had a peshitsky effect with the tart. I was with our son. And I was like, Ellis, you want to split a pop tart with me? He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that they do, but again, in my hurry, much like why I don't like drawing myself off, I don't like to wait for the Pop-Tart to be done, but he was right, I put it in my mouth and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It blew my mind. Anyway, foreign cousins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part is that your cousin, like, it's like watching a space alien come over when foreigners are with you. Cause he was really hooked on Peach Cobbler. He was like, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so southern. And I love it because you're like, you've never had a fucking peach with some sugar on it, dick shit. Were you from Mars or Peru? But my Hungarian relatives are the same way. Everything's off with your foreign cousin. It's like, they wear the wrong kind of denim. It's always way too tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I'm trying to put my finger on it, like, what is it about my Hungarian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always, it's like too fashionable, right? Like it's too high fashion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends, you met my friends when you were visiting Hungary, Budapest this last time. I've grown up with them. Um, Pony and Tomas and one time they were like, they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I always remember foreign visitors, they always smelled weird too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, see, see, yeaah, now here's the deal man, is that the old Hungarian dudes I grew up around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah bro, I did this in fucking 8th grade. This is, this doesn't fool anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your car smells like shit. It's fine. I prefer the smell of an ashtray than cologne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible. Oh my god, there's this great scene. Bitches like this shit in there. There's this great scene in the Halston show on Netflix where he's developing his fragrance, his scent, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, hold on, that's a different discussion. But so listen to me. Are you listening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he, he brings this to the fragrance lady. He goes, uh, here's some leather and she smells it. She goes, yes, leather. Good. And then he goes, this is my boyfriend's sweaty jockstrap. And then she takes it and she deeply inhales and she's like, no, no, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and you know what he does is he listens to us in terms of like, when your body's telling you something. Ignore it. No one's in your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pounds of fat that hang from your chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if they're willy-nilly swirling around, moving around, it's uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like fat rolls, two fat rolls hanging from your chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, how big is his pool? I thought he meant just like an above ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, that it's no bra October or November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is absolutely what people care about. Speaking of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I please make an announcement? I couldn't be happier. This story came out a while back, but we were so busy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know our stance on fat models. It has been just a harrowing few years here where they're trying to destroy the Victoria's Secret brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I don't fantasize about being 250 pounds and missing a limb. I don't want that fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you know what it's like? It's like when McDonald's got all that heat for that documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, Rihanna does it. Different story. That's Rihanna's brand. It's cool. Not for Victorious. Not when you've established this is a brand that makes people's dick hard for traditionally good looking, thin, hot chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's childlike? Diminished capacity. They're childlike in nature and now you want me to sexualize them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? If I were the CEO of Victoria's Secret, when all this woke horse shit came around, I would have doubled down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just d-don't do it. Of course they're not making money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, just so you know, Victoria's Secret, the actual quality


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I walked into the store, I was so mad. Hold on, hold on before we go into it. And also if I might make a plea to Sephora.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and he's, he's got vitiligo and freckles and teeth missing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And secondly, they all have lesbian footwear, which is, it's a shocker that any of them are using she-hers, cause they're dressing like he-hims. They're dressing like non-binds. Like zims or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's the deal, man. Fuck off with your gender identity. Tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you're into. Now I'm on board for pronouns. I would be a hundred percent on board if she's like, pussy licking, uh, foot fetish. And they're like, great, now I know about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like hairy, sweaty, stinky, uh, nuts and sweat socks that smell real bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It provides a safety net, so if something were to happen to you, your family can cover expenses while getting back on their feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luckily, Policy Genius helps you compare your options from top companies and their team of licensed experts are on hand to help talk you through it. I love Policy Genius because it's simple. It puts together all your options in one place. So like, it just takes the headache out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For one million dollars of coverage, some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius has licensed award-winning agents who can help you find the best fit for your needs. They work for you, not the insurance companies. That means they don't have an incentive to recommend one insurer over another, so you can trust their guidance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your family deserves peace of mind. A life insurance policy through Policy Genius can give it to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to policygenius.com slash mom or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep calm and let your balls jingle this season with Manscaped's brand new performance package 5.0 Ultra featuring the new Lawn Mower 5.0. Look nice when you're going naughty by going to manscaped.com and use code MOM for 20% off plus free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I don't let my husband use any other product but Manscaped. It's really kept everything down there so smooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So clean. Ladies, you gotta get this for your husbands, your boyfriends, your, your significant whatevers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped Performance Package 5.0 Ultra is the ultimate bundle for the man who deserves it all. Included in this special sack is the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra, the Weed Whacker 2.0 Ear and Nose Trimmer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped's Liquid Formulations and two free gifts. This fifth generation trimmer features two next-gen blade heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A standard trimmer blade for taking a little off the top and a new foil blade to go for that smooth finish wherever your heart desires. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code mom, manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your jingle balls ready for the holidays. This'll change your mood. Okay, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, I'm smart. Straight up. Speaking of Cholos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still can't believe people use this computer, I hear it's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do, what do, change, change the tires and do the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In kilometers, uh, as fast in kilometers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the crazy part. Remember when we had your homeboy on here talking about it, Daniel? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know how to say, Artin Senna is the only former champion to die from a crash during a world championship race, the 1994 San Marino Grand Prix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One second. Or like maybe they should have like women, are there any lady drivers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's take- Just like those cold plunge type of rods, am I right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah. And then the struggle and living in the fucking rampart division and then people telling us like, what are you doing? Are you sure you want to do this still? Are you still doing comedy? Yeaah. It's like fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. Wish my family was like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a friend of a friend stay with Oprah in Hawaii on her property in Maui and her friend, the friend goes, so how big is that? Like, what do you own? How big is this land? And she goes, I own as far as the eye can see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that do to a person to have unlimited resources?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, should I heated up a pop tart today and I felt like a queen? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The part where he nailed it is that offering a hundred dollar reward, like cash prize for the best one, that's how he nailed this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You give someone some free shit, it's over. By the way, does this bitch not know you can turn the ringer off your phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But some people don't see the importance of teeth. Some people really don't value teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, it's not a big deal if I'm missing one or four. Big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have dental insurance, why is she trying to hustle me? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought the Christians just denounced Gainess altogether. I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that an East Coast type of Christian though? Like Episcopalian sounds real like East Coast waspy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see the tenacity makes, there's this guy that thinks the Denver airport is satanic, and he makes videos upon videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guys are just, like, that's their mission. That must be his mission. But how old is this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Oh, he already lost the knuckle. It's a carpentry joke. Jesus. My dad had friends that were missing knuckles who were carpenters growing, uh, I think this is carpenter humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was terrible, please never... I hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's on his cheek? Are those dead smeared bees? What the fuck is on his cheek? Blood. Ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's gross. So this guy's a truck driver and he started this thing, the Kings and Queens above 18 and he always tells women like, let your boobs hang, free the nipple. He just encourages you to go brawlous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. Yeah. So Rod, yeah, I do it too. I do it for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I love it. No, I was saying before my tits are too big, I can't go. What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morning smokes, drinking smokes, after meal smokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what worked for me? Cause I smoked for 17 years. What'd you do? I went to a hypnotherapist in Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a woman, uh, Rita. What's her last name? Sorry, Rita. I can't remember your last name. She hypnotized her own name out of you. She fucking sent me. I haven't smoked since I was 30 years old. The one time I did was on your mom's house when I was goth and I hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a bit and I couldn't even do it cause she makes you hate it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for instance, she'll talk to you first and say, well, when do you like to smoke? And for me, it was before shows. I used to sit in the alleyway and nervously smoke. She goes, okay, so instead of smoking, Christina, from now you will drink water. You will drink water instead of smoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, I don't know, I'll give you her name if you're ever in LA, I'll look it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, just like it doesn't make sense for you. There's no benefit to it. So it taught, it changes your thinking about smoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really makes you question your sanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tubi is the future. I love it. It is like the TikTok of, of TV. The free enterprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this. This is how I got into Tyler Perry movies very early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like Tyler Perry's not just the Madea movies, I like the other ones, the real serious ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even the pool's got a design in it. That's rich. Dang. It's so funny because rich people love to make their houses look like the White House or Versailles. This is like two of the big like rich people things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I remember reading about this. They did a, Canada has always adapted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what do you guys have against diversity, eh? Like they don't understand why America is so racist and shitty and I'm like, I don't know, like they work on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they give it to you, they can take that shit away from you and cancel your shit. Yeah. If it's yours, it's yours. And also if anybody like open micers, baby comedians, like I started a room in Los Feliz when I was just a baby comedian, I quit my fucking day job and I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to start a room. And that's where I met this guy, Brian Sickler, Matt Folchron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Growing up together, Jay Larson and every week. And then I met my husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever considered why all the chicks love Jesus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big problem is you get much more on your back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hard part is doing it with weight, like if you go to a class that lasts two hours, aerobics and whatever, you're out of breath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're carrying weights, anybody will tell you weight training knocks you out. So I'm carrying about 40 pounds of armor studs, eight inch, seven inch platform heels. As any chick will tell you when she goes out on a date and at the end of the night, her feet are killing her and all that's just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't really work out. Uhm, you hike. We hike. Uhm, yeaah, about three miles or so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only time he's ever been high. I've never before, uh, or since had anything like that happen to me. Let me take these off so you can see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't prepared for it and so you've got a room full of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Celebrating, we're breaking some kind of record in Detroit. How many shows we're doing and all that. This was in 76 or 1876. See what I did there? That was a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me a cake. Give me a brownie, yeaah. Juice and cake. You've heard that. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm going, it didn't hurt that she wasn't bad looking. This is before I met your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my head started to get smaller all the way down to the size of an olive on my shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goes out to the, and luckily there was a girl there who was, uh, she's written about it too. She was the editor of Creed Magazine, which was a rock. So she took me out of there and to the limo, and as I'm walking, every step I take, giant feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, she leads me in to get me a drink cause the limos didn't have anything. And it's filled with neighborhood folks who are there at night grabbing a burger and stuff after the show. And they all, and I'm dressed in leather and thick. No kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they all turn around and do that and I'm thinking they're looking at me because my head is small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I will say, can you plug up your ear? So as we're going back to the hotel, she takes out my key and I try to put my key, which is enormous in the keyhole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. It doesn't work. Now my son is not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think about it, uh, to be serious for a second. Okay, now it's over and I can get back to stupid. I never wanted to get high or drunk because of my mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disappoint her. Right. There was enough aggravation. So I literally never smoked cigarettes. Wow. Never got high, never got drunk. That way when you reach 74, your hand can be in front of your face. He's reaping the benefits now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Pin the tail on a donkey? Pin my tail on their donkey. What? I never get to see their faces. They were all bent over the bathtub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's what happens. Ah, that's the winner. Winner, winner, winner. That's awesome. Wow. No, I never teamed up. But they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were rooms where- There were others there, but never males. Oh, gotcha. Gotcha. Can we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's hung like a donkey, half for breakfast. What? Well this morning I had cornflakes, I had bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an interviewer who goes backstage like with the, uh, Austin, uh, Wombats. What's the sports team here called? Longhorns. The what? Longhorns. Longhorns. The interviewer goes back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes backstage to interview the football guys who have towels on. Yes. And as soon as she walks in, they're going, Hey, how you doing? Nice to see you. And in the corner is a very attractive cheerleader and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little overlap. We, uh, approached all that and you see the wound on my finger? You see that line? That's never, that's never going on. I know. It's the only marriage I'll ever have. I love Jim dearly. Oh, I'm sorry. Shannon. It's going to be the only marriage I'll ever have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That in the dark days before and even during our marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a self-absorbed, arrogant liar to myself, to her, to the kids, to everybody. Just like, hey, where are you going? Where am I going? Who wants to know? That sort of self...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking like 70s. What? Well this is pre-AIDS. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could walk into a room and there'd be somebody in your bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'd never have to, what does it all mean? Do I have my mother's hips? There's no talking. There's nothing. That's the best. God's dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? What? And she has the point. You can't say those words. Women will not appreciate it. So, so it's a better person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are both better people than I will ever be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that kind of like every dad's dream? It should be. Right? Like your kids are... I tell them, I tell them all the time, Sophie and Nick was beyond anything I ever hoped for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soon you're gonna stop, if not now, talking about how old your sister is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without, without, and Shannon knows everything. We didn't, eventually it all came up and you've got to have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No woman is ever going to force a guy to do something he doesn't want to do. You've got to come. I mean, I've never been an addict of any kind, but I'm, I keep...


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[Assistant] Being told by people who have been until you're ready, if you ever are, it's not gonna happen.


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[Assistant] That's sweet. The biggest compliment that Shannon and I have is that.


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[Assistant] Both of them still come to the house. They come by and talk, watch movies. When was the last time a thirty-something wants to come over and hang out? That's so true. Your kids will, for sure.


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[Assistant] Well, for a short time, we used to have a potty box. If you said a potty word, you had to put money in the... Guess who donated the most? Mom.


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[Assistant] What's real? No, I do think there's such a thing as real emotion.


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[Assistant] I'll track this guy down, yea. Is he, was he being on, or is that who he is? No, this is very much who he is.


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[Assistant] But why does he, why does he have to advertise? Just go to the corner and see a homeless guy who'll move in?


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[Assistant] You did? He used to teach history. You did? You taught sixth grade? I said that first.


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[Assistant] He had his own life, he was not there. Wait, I gotta ask you this.


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[Assistant] Showed me a photo of him dressed up like me. He was kicked out of school for coming in dressed like me when he was 56. No, when he was 13. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Look, everybody goes through their thing and depending on when you're born, the time period.


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[Assistant] That's the weirdest one. We were in Sweden and I got a phone call. Uh, the secretary of state would like you to come upstairs again. Okay. Cut it out. April fools day. So we go upstairs, secret service. She's like, I grew up with this.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah, there were many others, uh, on drums. I don't remember if Carmine, Carmine, a peachy or a piece.


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[Assistant] Well I, uh, I personally, as opposed to a ban decision,


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[Assistant] Made the decision to tell Eddie, Eddie Van Halen, cause I found that band in a club, signed them, produced their first.


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[Assistant] So you saw that? That is good. Hell yea dude. Okay, so, uh.


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[Assistant] Edward, he like, he preferred Edward, but everybody just called him Eddie. Really the groundbreaking guitarist of the period. I mean, there was Hendrix and then there was Eddie.


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[Assistant] One take. And as a matter of fact, Alex and Eddie


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[Assistant] Help me, help me do demos along the way of a song I wrote called Christine 16, which was a hit and all that. Note for note, Eddie. But I just want to get to the point. He was, uh,


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[Assistant] Not getting along with, uh, David Lee Ross.


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[Assistant] And there's a story behind that. And in 1982, he came down to the studio where we were working on something and he said to me, you're looking for a lead guitar player. Let me join Kiss.


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[Assistant] And I remember saying, let's go to lunch and talk about this because we were using different guitar players. Ace Fraley, our original guitarist.


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[Assistant] Was the first of three different times that he was asked to step aside. You can use any words you want.


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[Assistant] And, uh, we went across the street to the deli, and he says, I can't take Roth anymore, I've gotta, let me join the band.


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[Assistant] And I said, you gotta do yourself a favor, we'd love to have you in the band, but there's no room sonically.


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[Assistant] You take up too much room in this Paul rhythm guitar, and we write slightly, you know, more rock, whatever that is.


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[Assistant] Stay in your band, rough it out, every band, whether the Beatles, Stones, everybody turns on each other, it's tough.


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[Assistant] It's even tougher than marriages. You're with each other 24 hours a day.


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[Assistant] Alright, you're his first one. And he, he stayed with the band. I mean, eventually it had, it had to end because.


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[Assistant] David is, look, it takes a unique personality to be a lead singer. You're out there like a comedian.


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[Assistant] At his height, there was nobody that could touch him on that stage. Nobody. The stage presence, the charisma, the...


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[Assistant] His lyrics and the band, his singing style, he was the king of the period. And everybody's got their period.


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[Assistant] Decisions are tough and sometimes you have to make tough decisions and truth hurts.


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[Assistant] And you've got, uh, I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have met Paul, who...


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[Assistant] There's every good or better than I am, songwriting, singing and all that other stuff.


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[Assistant] So clashed over that time. Disagreed is different than clashed.


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[Assistant] There are guys that have left the Eagles and Metallica on their own because they


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, I'm not getting enough attention and stuff. What are you gonna do now? Flip burgers and ask the next person in line, would you like some fries with that? What's your alternative?


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[Assistant] Not fair to say that I'm the front man. I never introduced songs. Paul's always been the


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[Assistant] Whatever pays the bills, and that's not a joke. If fame is the one where you make the money,


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[Assistant] I like it. If being unknown is the thing that makes you the money, honestly.


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[Assistant] And I'm glad it's a lead in to May 4th and 5th. Yes.


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[Assistant] In Las Vegas, go to Gene Simmons Recording Events dot com. Gene Simmons Recording Events dot com.


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[Assistant] No other performers doing as far as I know. We already did one at Electric Lady. This is in Las Vegas, Gene Simmons, recordingevents.com. Okay. Imagine you live in Wisconsin.


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[Assistant] On a 24-track master where you're the only one that's gonna get a recording of that song with you singing on it or playing tambourine or doing whatever. So these events allow fans


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[Assistant] To experience something, you can't get anywhere else standing alongside somebody who's been doing it longer than your mommy and daddy. And by the way, I've worn more makeup and higher heels than your mommy. Thank you.


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[Assistant] Every day you've gotta go in there, it's called an inferred fiduciary duty, or on the day that you don't water the flowers and everything, they're gonna start to die. And there's no, once they start to die, they go dead and you have to go back to step one.


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[Assistant] So all those days where you keep growing it, compounded interest ad infinitum ad nauseum, other big words like gymnasium, you keep doing that stuff.


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[Assistant] Invest long, stop buying, stop being a short seller. Investing, I'm going to make a dollar. No, you're not going to make a dollar. You're going to make 50, less than 50 cents on the dollar because you got your Uncle Sam there. Leave it in their compounded interest. Invest.


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[Assistant] Stop smoking cigarettes, don't do stupid vacations. Okay, I'm starting. I've written a few books, one is called-


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[Assistant] And, he was clearly doing an impression of a Japanese, uh, That's true.


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[Assistant] Did you say engine or engine? Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, you're right. I did say engine. Engine. And it's engine. Engine. 8, 9, 10 or 10? 8, 9, 10. 10. Oh my god. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like a Costco. Costco. Smart Costco, I understand. But this is a cost company. Yes. But they should say Costco. There's no cost. Unless, pardon me, I burped, unless you're, uh,


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[Assistant] Well, I played, Nick, a video this morning that I'm afraid to... The teacher? The teacher's...


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[Assistant] And the children don't react in any way, shape or form and they react to both voices.


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[Assistant] I mean, where we live, there's a famous song called the Beverly Hills Blues. You know how it goes?


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[Assistant] I have never, thank you for asking, I've never had an operation, I've never had any accidents, I've never. Never. No. Nice.


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[Assistant] Anything that's life threatening for free is idiotic. Yeah. Bungee jumping.


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[Assistant] Really? It was fun. It was really fun. I was the marketer for Indy car.


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[Assistant] I created the, I changed their name from IRL to IndyCar. That was my campaign. I am Indy.


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[Assistant] I couldn't tell you a thing about it, but that's not the idea. The guy that sells the car has no idea how it's built.


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[Assistant] But the guy that builds the car has no idea how to sell. Right. I know how to sell. Sure. I can drive my truck.


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[Assistant] I don't get into accents or anything, but if you lift the hood, untrue can't tell you a thing about the engine.


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[Assistant] You can't be a Christian, you can't be Christian-ish or Buddhist or Islam-ish. It's like, uh, I don't mean like in movies, but like, uh, Kirk Douglas was a Jew, not Jew-ish.


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[Assistant] Woody Allen is Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. Yeah. Blonde mom. Where you going buddy? You go get, you know, have you got cash on you? A little bit. Well that's very sad the way you said that. It's not that much.


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[Assistant] Tony Curtis, Kirk Douglas, Edward G Robinson, uh.


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[Assistant] I am Lipschitz. The studio heads. But Curb Your Enthusiasm and Woody Hunt, they're Jewish. Very. Seinfeld is Jewish. Gotcha.


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[Assistant] Your Jewish conversation is how are you? How am I? How should I be? Who wants to know? Why are you asking? You know, just endless questions. That's Jewish.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, I just mean if you like it grilled or rare, I don't know what you're talking about. Okay, alright. No. But this gay man is just doing these videos. Well, I mean, it seems to me, and it's fine. It's fine.


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[Assistant] Oh, I see Spider-Man. What are you talking about? Created by Steve Ditko, original cover though.


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[Assistant] Sure, and I told him more than he ever thought anybody knew. Your real name is Stanley Lieber. Your brother's name is Larry Lieber, who's not as good of an artist as even Herb Trimpe.


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[Assistant] And we flew up to the Boston facility where they put ink, you know, because they had different colors, different colored inks for the illustrations, and we poured our blood into the red ink.


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[Assistant] And literally, and we had it, uh, anyway, it was, uh,


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[Assistant] The legal people kept track of it and all that. It was really that big. So that when we become extinct,


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[Assistant] A thousand years from now and aliens land here and find Kiss Comics, they will be


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[Assistant] In that way, I'm agnostic. I think most people are, no matter what your point of view is, show me.


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[Assistant] Whether you believe in it or not, if you believed something else and you're allowed to say I was wrong, they are real.


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[Assistant] He sounds like a very friendly, nice, hate from Austin man.


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[Assistant] Jews on skis, that's wrong. Wrong. It doesn't sound right. And you don't miss it at all. You don't actually- Miss what? Breaking my back? That's what I'm saying though, but like none of it's tempting to you. Hell no. No. Because there's only one- She's risk averse. She's risk averse. There's only, yes, there's only one mistake. You're going down, you have no control, and if you make a mistake, bye bye. Yeah. Just too much to lose.


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[Assistant] Sonny Bono crashed into a tree. Uh, Liam Neeson's wife. Oh yeah, that's right. The brand.


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[Assistant] Not counting all the people who are breakin', breakin'. I speak a few languages. You know, English is very bizarre.


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[Assistant] Is it? You don't know? Tell me. He's bilingual. You break what, uh, Spanish and English? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Hungarian, German, Hebrew, English, and my son is learning to speak Japanese.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's no reason, there is no reason, unless it's for a lot of money, to do anything that's...


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[Assistant] Can I point out if you fall, you die. But then I get it.


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[Assistant] Talking to Siri. What is with that? Can you bring up the story about that first one?


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[Assistant] But you can't also go on January 6th and do whatever you want to do.


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[Assistant] By the way, what's 12 inches in Jewish? Tell me. Nothing.


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[Assistant] It is harder, I don't mean that way. It's more difficult for them, bless them, for their particular lifestyle.


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[Assistant] Because that culture doesn't readily accept. Sure.


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[Assistant] And it's, and it is, uh, forget about politics or anything. They're well intentioned.


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[Assistant] There's also weird stuff that we find. Is that, uh, it looks like it's misspelled. Is it spelled correctly? It just- Embarrassment? It doesn't look right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, I was a lifeguard. Every once in a while, I went through maybe the 30s or 40s where you start lifting a little bit. Then you go, I don't like this. And then you go running.


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[Assistant] Well, they went to, and he was- And my girlfriend killed him.


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[Assistant] Outgoing in terms of I want to appreciate your culture and I'm not going to be the ugly American. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] Sir, it's cooked in its own juices. Bitch, they don't have juices, it's blood.


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[Assistant] I have seen him put things in his mouth, suction cups and I just.


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[Assistant] No, no, we're good. This is super fun. How old were you when you... Do you know Garth Brooks? Does he know me? Yes. Have you guys hung out? He was on the Kiss tribute album.


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[Assistant] Garth's two biggest influences were Kiss and James Taylor. Did you think he was weird? Not at all. Really? Look at you. Did you think he was a strange guy? Tom.


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[Assistant] I put together a Kiss tribute album called Kiss My Ass with the flags and all, and each country had its own flag on it. Yes, he put together his own.


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[Assistant] No, I think being a realist and a pragmatist, it simply means you gotta


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[Assistant] You have to have a sense of when it's time to get out of the ring.


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[Assistant] How many world champions, I mean world champions unequaled have stayed in the ring too long and


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[Assistant] Get their ass handed to them by chumps, little guts, just cause you go too long. I want to go out on the tsunami, you're a surfer, go out on top.


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[Assistant] And look back at something with pride. You don't want to remember being naked Elvis on the bathroom floor.


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[Assistant] We raised that because we did lots of other stuff and we debuted our Kiss avatars. Which I don't want to talk too much about, but.


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[Assistant] In the same way that, uh, you two at the sphere. The holograms. It's beyond anything. These things are gonna.


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[Assistant] Uh, take a life of its own, so the caterpillar, in essence, becomes the butterfly. Kiss ends and begins. That's crazy. You're cool with like, you're comfortable now to... I make a little...


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[Assistant] I've got nasty habits, it's a fine line, so many girls, and so little time, when love rids its head, I wanna get on your case.


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[Assistant] That's, that's curious to me how white people try to sound black. It's just not convincing.


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[Assistant] So, little sagura kid is growing up and...


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[Assistant] No, yes, there were other things. There was a guy.


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[Assistant] I didn't know about headbutts or anything. There was a guy who was like the big guy who wanted to pick a fight or something and he got really close to my face.


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[Assistant] And while everybody's watching, and I didn't know about headbutts or anything, but I instinctively


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[Assistant] There was a guy who must've been six, nine or close to my son's height.


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[Assistant] Green Day or somebody was playing at a festival and they asked me to jump up and join them. So I did and then backstage, this poor guy must have been high on something, came up to me and started shoving me and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put, and everybody's watching, so I put my hands in back of me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] So he got closer, and when he got closer, he smashed his face in, just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smashed a girl in the face? A girl? A girl? Uhm, yeaah.


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[Assistant] At the end, no, it was straight on. You have to give me some context or else I'm


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, it was at the end of a show and Paul had a guest, young girl dressed in S&M semi Nazi, you know, kind of thing with the Nazi hat and everything. I didn't see swastikas or anything, but it was that style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hugo Boss. Bondage letter, uh, bondage leather rather. And she must have been, I don't know, 24, 25. Attractive girl with all the lifted and separated in your general direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paul was kind of showing off because, you know, look at this girl and all this stuff. And I'm going, Hey, how you doing? On the way back, she said, Hey, I heard your mother was in a concentration camp. And I said, I said, what? She said, yeah, cool. Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Truth, uh, part A, I was making a joke to Nick. You got me on a plane to come out here in the middle of Texas where they used to sell cows. I remember playing here with the band and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During certain months, they'd have cows and horses and everything lined up and people would bid on them as cow shit and everything. And then when the bands would come in to play, a lot of people, big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put boards on there or sawdust, but it would smell like...


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[Assistant] She heard the whole time, you're doing concerts and of course local population, we're all used to it. I asked our driver, have you ever, oh yeah, sure. So I thought it was going to be a joke.


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[Assistant] Hungarian, you know, they're remnants of the Mongol invasion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was the Tatars, the Huns, the Magyars, and the Mongols, different tribes, and they were all united under Genghis Khan, and then Attila, Attila, Attila the Hun, and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that, uh, you know, just a few phrases, all that stuff. They don't like the sound. I don't know if you heard this. They don't like the sound of America, even if you've got the right accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an American guy who's on all the chat shows.


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[Assistant] In Japan, I see him all the time. He speaks fluent, uh, Japanese with a higher, higher pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, if you speak Spanish, the difference between Mexican Spanish and Argentina, which is the, there's something like


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[Assistant] You were not, you were not doing jokes, you were not trying to impress, you were just


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[Assistant] Being a person. And that's the most impressive thing I find of anybody in any walk of life.


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[Assistant] She's got it, she's got the goods. Met the Dalai Lama, presidents, the most impressive people. You're better than them.


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[Assistant] And afterwards, here I'll show you a photo. Afterwards, but he was asked a very interesting question. Because he is the reincarnation. His holiness and all that. Fourteenth, I think, in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was asked by somebody in the audience, what would happen if somebody... If Gene Simmons tongued your asshole.


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[Assistant] No, Jesus Christ wouldn't do that. If somebody asked you something and you didn't have the answer but then when the answer came it was the exact opposite of what you believed


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[Assistant] And then he answered something I'll never forget. He said, then you have to change your belief. And I've never heard a religious person of any denomination or anything say, because you're stuck. Yes. It's, uh, I got to show you.


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[Assistant] You'd be surprised how much you can get for it.


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[Assistant] Look, I'm surprised, the reason I say that stuff is I'm always shocked by what


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[Assistant] You know, what does that mean? And you know, he speaks English well enough and understands, like even though the words are measured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They really mean something. Hey, how you doing? Nice to see you again. All that.


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[Assistant] Interested in the meaning, cause everything's got meaning to him. I told him in sign language, it's I love you. And he said, Oh, this is good. We need more. I love you. He's right. He's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pay for tickets or did you wind up there? I paid, I paid. Did he pay?


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[Assistant] You weren't talking? Are you sure? One of them does impressions I forget.


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[Assistant] That's so many. Oh man. Uhm, are you gonna hold your ears the whole time?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's cool because we're going to do a little hip hop thing later today, so I'm glad we're doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, yeaah. Do you like the Venetian? Have you been to Vegas? Yes. You have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna touch your ears the entire time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. You look sweet. So, you know how the show goes. Every show, there's a little how you doing, like we just did, and then we play our opening clip. Are you ready for the opening clip of the show? Ready. Okay. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta jam that to the opening song, man. Move your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the news team in Orlando. So that aired in Orlando.


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[Assistant] You know, by the way, one of the great things, and I would keep this up if I were you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would start adding a lot of years when people ask you your, how old you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have? It's good. It's like when people learn that you speak Chinese and then they hear you speak English, they're like, wow, your English is really good. You know? Because we've done that a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, now one of the things, you know, you're also, let me be, uh, refresh everybody's, um, memory. You're very famous here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how many grandmothers in your age group have websites dedicated to them for this? Can you pull up fartmistress.com?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've all heard that. We want to hear the instrument that you play, that not everybody knows how. You're a master. There's people that study instruments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We almost had done that clip and then we were like, oh, they're not going to play it. So what was the point? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you bragged! You bragged. When you got to the house, you were like, I've had some-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I see this is where I get it from, my mother loves croissants, I love croissants. See? But I'm trying to abstain, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything that I'm doing you can do. And that anyone's like, what do you mean, you can't go for daily walks? Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget my birthday. And she ate the toddler food at the buffet. At a three star Michelin restaurant where she was like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we pull up the show list? Uhm, yeaah. So... What is the show? No, no, no, I'm just getting something ready for you. So, since you're not motivated to do things, I have a motivational clip for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so this guy we found, he's a buddy of mine. So, he, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, but he does, he gets to enjoy the sounds, you know, so, so I've sent him recordings of me going to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no. He owns one of the hangers there. So he loves being around aircrafts and stuff, and he can't fly, but he likes to be, and he can't pilot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't give me the plane. Some of the aircraft are housed in a building he owns. So that's why he got around aviation, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the real way that we actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of the coolest guys, uhm, he's from, uh, New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes down to Medellin often and then he posts stuff like this and like tells people about what it's like down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that stupid stuff. This is 1931, 32.


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[Assistant] And also you're young. You're very young when this happens. Now, more importantly,


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[Assistant] Wow. There's a lady in LA who cut your hair that liked you. Oh my gosh.


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[Assistant] Uhm, this is, I'm a chicken farmer. Oh, they make fun of me. Yeah, this is because you had different hair last time. You remember? So this is, this is Chara.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so they said this is, this is you? Okay.


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[Assistant] The fart mystery. Yeah, cause that was your hair. See, now that you look at you on the last one, that's you last time, and then you go, oh yeah, that's pretty accurate.


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[Assistant] Can we talk about the trip to Hawaii? I want to talk about Hawaii. Can we talk about Hawaii? I want to talk about Hawaii.


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[Assistant] That's a photo of you, yes. That's you.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, cause he's embarrassed I think too, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Butthole hair. Do you wanna see how it, how the impressive part of how it looks at the end after the nair?


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[Assistant] Okay, now it's time for is this hilarious?


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[Assistant] He was out of the bike lane to be fair. Oh, that's what happens. Yeah. Let me see it again. See how this guy, the bike lane is to the left where we are, where that line is. And look at that guy on the right, on the far right. He's riding in the street. He's out of bounds. So the, the, the bus is basically saying like, he's giving him a nudge like, Hey buddy, you know, move over, just move. So the bus.


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[Assistant] Mom, do you want to see, uhm, inmate penpal videos or daddy demarco?


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[Assistant] They're nice too, it's- And then once you watch the video, I'm gonna ask you to guess something. Okay? Okay.


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[Assistant] You gotta get closer to your mic though, you gotta move your mic, okay? There we go. Okay, what's your guess?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's correct. Yeah, he's possession of a controlled substance.


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[Assistant] Okay, well your instinct is right that he's a loser. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Okay, ready? He's very accepting. One more and we'll move on.


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[Assistant] And I think their family would love to hear this explanation. Yeaah. The, uh, the victim would be like, hey, it's not a bad guy. Give him a break. It's a fucking challenge.


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[Assistant] Okay, first of all, I love the minimalist. It was just, what's up, hit me up, and then a little hand sign.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think I feel comfortable saying that I'm very intrigued. Yeah. Uhm, I like her physically. Uhm, I like that she's not too much of a yapper. I hate yappers.


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[Assistant] Well, she is incarcerated for burglary, uhm, she stole money and lottery tickets from a business. That to me is not even a criminal. Small potatoes, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well, Luis is in for incarcerated for trafficking, four and a half ounces of heroin, uh, got caught, uh, being found passed out in a car during a lunch break. So he passed out and got himself in a wee bit of trouble.


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[Assistant] Heron, four and a half ounces, that'll get you locked up. Alright, one more. Hopefully this is the guy that you're looking for, mom. Here we go.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, he's like I have a bit of a toxic quality to me.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what are you guessing the charge is mom?


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[Assistant] Alright, he is incarcerated for robbery and burglary and then he threatened to the victim, pistol-whipped them, and stole their boots and money.


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[Assistant] Okay, and then he stole their boots and money. Yes.


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[Assistant] So he was just telling you what it's like to be, you know, gay and in jail, but if you're him.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, before we go, uhm, I forgot this. You know that I did my, uh, you know this company here, Liquid Death?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's water. So, I just did a commercial for them and it came out this week.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I set it up. I just don't know what happened. I really did set it up. I did.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it actually might still be on the truck. Wow. It really might be on the truck, I swear. Or it might be in a warehouse just sitting.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it might be sitting like in Steward or something, just waiting, waiting for directions. How to get to your house. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So anyways, that's pretty cool. Thanks for, for brightening things up here. That's a very cool video.


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[Assistant] I promise. I promise. It's officially. It's officially.


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[Assistant] Promise. Well, we're doing two bits after the show. That's the exchange, okay?


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[Assistant] We film something in front of a green screen and then we sit in front of another, it's like bang bang.


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[Assistant] You're supposed to just appear on the show because you're my mother.


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[Assistant] It's horrible. Can you pull up uhm, Just look at it. Like how they put veneers. I just wanted you to know exactly what it is.


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[Assistant] Per tooth. One to four thousand per tooth.


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[Assistant] I know the problem for you because you learned obviously in Spanish. You say the L in Spanish, that's why. Salmon. That's why you, that's why you, in English it's a, it's a weird thing to drop the L. It is weird.


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[Assistant] This guy's amazing and he was 100% accurate and you should withdraw your affection from people that you're like, conflicting with. I think that's a really good, that's really good advice.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, well that bear's not that big. You know, they tell you, if you're in, there's different things, but like, you make yourself big, you make yourself, you're trying to like, you're trying to...


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[Assistant] It's a really interesting point of view because the camera is on the guy who's being eaten, so you don't normally see the bear eat you, you know? It's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] I'd be like, here's your gift. Get ready to go to the doctor. You're not gonna walk right for a week.


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[Assistant] Maybe sometimes, depends on how much stuff. That's usually how that works. Here, watch this.


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[Assistant] But, but don't you think that, that it worked well? No. You don't think that... I didn't learn anything. No, the dynamic worked well.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm saying if you know where the ocean is when you're in Florida, you know you're facing east.


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[Assistant] No, you were great. No, you were great. You were great, always making me laugh. And, uh, you know, you're like a mother to me, and I love that you...


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[Assistant] A math-ma-chicken. But, she shouldn't count her eggs before the hatch. First joke of the year? Meh. Alright, Happy New Year to you guys.


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[Assistant] Satva Luxury Mattress Company. I love them so much. I sleep on a Satva mattress every single night. I sleep on the Solair. It goes up, it goes down, it vibrates, it even lights up so that in the middle of the night when I get up to go make a PG, I don't stumble over stuff.


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[Assistant] I love this company. I've bought the Luxury Firm, the Lumenleaf, and now the Solaire. My children even sleep on these mattresses. That's how much I believe in this company. The quality is unbeatable. It's made right here in the US of A, organic cotton.


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[Assistant] Not only that, the customer service is impeccable. You order it online, they deliver it straight to your door, they even take away your old mattress for a nominal fee.


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[Assistant] It really can't be beat, and yes, trust me, there's a 90-day in-home trial. If for some reason you don't like it, send it right back, but I don't think that'll happen, trust me. Satva.com slash the shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is kind of an homage to Oscar the Grouch. I like the color, I like the flower. And why?


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[Assistant] I don't know, I just felt silly. I felt kinda silly. I was happy to see you today.


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[Assistant] I went to Canada, my motherland came back. I saw a woman with her tits out just like in the street.


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[Assistant] Through Chinatown, and she was just like a normal, light-skinned black lady.


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[Assistant] With these huge tits. She looked like Nell- Remember Nell Carter?


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[Assistant] Like 30 pounds less, but she was big and she had like milk duds, like, like milk chocolate.


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[Assistant] Dude, it was wow. And you know what I thought about? Remember that time in Judoric Titties when I turned 30 and that woman walked up to us in Central Park and asked us for a light?


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[Assistant] And just walking like with a normal grocery bag. And her tits were moving kinda cool like that too.


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[Assistant] Can you put your dick out there? That would be awesome.


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[Assistant] Would you go dick out if you could?


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[Assistant] Wouldn't it be kinda neat just for me to try it one time, just to walk down the street.