[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I mean I toured with him. You toured with him? In like 96? Damn. 96 in England. Really? I was his opening act and then a year later. Stop it. I was DL Hughley's opening act in England. Really? Yeah, I was in England a lot back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the comedy scene was really blossoming then. And you got, for 96, I'd been doing it seven years. You only had to do 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lived at my cousin's house. My cousin, all my family, I have a ton of cousins there, and my cousin Darren would let me sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a tiny ass room, like when I think about it now, it's smaller than the space you're in. It's about the space you're in. Like back there, if you put a straight line. That was the room? That was the room, and he had a kid's bed, and he took the floor and gave me the bed. He had a kid's bed? And it was like, wow thanks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like that, that's what we were doing back then. Wow. And he would work, he would go to work like 6 in the morning, come home at 3, and then drive me around to gigs in the evening. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the after party? Craig G was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shake? Shake, yea. Yea, that's a guy I've known since 1984.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I don't understand what's happening. I don't think anybody understands what's happening. Did you see that thing about some guy who said he was a time traveler? And in 2015? Yes, I did. He said he was a time traveler from 2020. And then he said this all shit that's gonna happen and now it's happening and everyone's like, yo, this guy's really a time traveler. But I'm like, I don't know if this is real or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, dude. I've seen, you gotta figure it out. I've seen the 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, 2020s. I've seen five decades already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's fucking insane. Like just watching, it's not, it progressed and then it hit a wall and now it's regressing. And now they're trying to erase history and shit, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean you need that shit there. You gotta look at it as not a celebration anymore, but as a reminder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a scar. You know, you can get the scar removed, but the fucking thing still happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. So you just need those things. They're good to look at so you can go, fuck, don't want that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny because my grandfather had a Hitler mustache. Oh, he did? So, when I look at pictures of him, he either looked like Charlie Chaplin or Hitler. And I was like, so I was looking at Hitler as a kid, I was like, is that grandpa? And he was like, nope, nope, that's the guy that killed the Jews, my fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll tell you something, I got, not inside information, but in January or February of 2019, Tiffany Haddish took me to Eddie Murphy's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was this night that I wasn't supposed to be there. Yeah. I just, I had Tiff text me and was like, I just had dinner at Ted Sarando's house. I was like, cool. And she was like, now I'm on my way to Eddie's. And I'm like, Murphy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, yeaah. And I go, now that's cool. And she goes, you wanna come? And I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. She goes, I'mma come scoop you. So she came and picked me up from BOA on Sunset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we went up to Eddie's house, and when I walked in, uh, the first person I saw was Jamie Foxx. And then I see Neil Brennan, and then I hear behind me, Oh shit, is this what all your comedians do? Just hang out with each other? And I turn around and it's Q-tip. And I'm like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I look at the bar and I see Sacha Baron Cohen behind the bar and I'm like, am I dreaming? I see Bill Hader, Patton Oswald, I see Sacha Baron Cohen's wife sitting there at the bar and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Isla Fisher. And then Eddie walks in and, hey Russell, thanks for coming. I'm like, Eddie Murphy knows my fucking name? Wow. And I'm like, thanks for having me. My voice is cracking. And anyway, long story, then Chris Rock showed up and Chappelle was there and, and uh, and I was like, what the f- Jimmy Kimmel was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a bowling alley, an arcade, like a real arcade. Wow. Like with the big games. Like the ones that are the size of your desk, the ones you sit in and shit. Holy shit. And then I went and grabbed a drink and I started sipping and I go, am I out of my mind? I'm not drinking this shit tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to remember every single thing that happens here. I put the drink back down. And did you hang for hours? So I ended up getting stuck. Because I went with Tiffany. And uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's floating around, she's a social butterfly, she's kinda like, uh, the toast of the town as well, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to, you know, shadow her. I'm like, just, you know, let her do her thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see everybody leaving, going upstairs, and I'm like, fuck, fuck, where's Stephanie, where's what? And then I see Kenya Barris going upstairs, I go, Kenya, don't leave without me, I don't wanna be the last one here. So I followed him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I got to the top of the stairs and like, the door was wide open, they just wanted you to get up and get out. And I was like, hey, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She came with Tiffany and I don't know where she is. And they're like, oh, uh, and then one of Eddie's kids walked by and goes, oh, I think she went in the backyard. I'll take you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I go to the backyard, we find her, she's with Chappelle, Eddie, and Arsenio. And I'm like, this is already insane. I'm just standing there, again, I'm just standing there with Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall, Tiffany and Dave Chappelle, and I'm like, and I'm not sa- I haven't said anything all night because I'm just in fucking shock. And I'm like, and then Eddie's like, it's cold, let's go inside, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not in his entertaining space, we're in his private space now. And there's two couches, one here, one here, like uh, you know? And it's like me, Dave, Tiffany, and then four of Eddie's kids, and then Eddie, and then Arsenio's leaning up against the wall. And Eddie's just showing us videos on the TV, on YouTube. It's the shit he finds funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy named Brushy One String. He's a Jamaican guy who plays a guitar with one string. He makes up songs. That's rad. And like bad Prince impersonators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and uh, I'm sitting on the end of the couch like this and Tiffany's on the other end and I look over and she keeps like nodding off because she's exhausted. Anyway, eventually she just falls asleep and I'm like thinking in my head, fuck, how am I going to get home? And then I start thinking, am I going to spend the night at Eddie Murphy's house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I don't want to be like, Eddie, uh, can I get your address for an Uber? Yeah, sure. I don't want to be that idiot. And I'm like, damn it. And it's like, almost four o'clock, and then it's like 3.45 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Arsenio's like, alright, I'm out. And I go, hey, Ars, which way you going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go in the valley, I go, can I guys get a ride to like, uh, Beverly Glenn and Ventura? He's like, yeah, no problem. So I get in the car with Arsenio and, uh, we get to Beverly Glenn and Ventura, I go, just drop me here. He goes, fat burger? You just want to be left at fat burger? I go, yeah, no, I'm going to get an Uber. He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna leave you on Ventura Boulevard at 4 o'clock in the morning. It's not what we're gonna do. Yeah. I go, well which way are you going? You tell me. I go, I'm going like the next exit after you. I'll just get off at yours and I'll, I'll get home from there. He goes, no, no, I'll just drop you home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, so Arsenio dropped me home. So Tiffany took me to Eddie Murphy's and Arsenio


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally didn't say anything. And I was in a doorway, uh, like say we were just hanging out in a doorway like that, with Eddie, I'm standing beside Eddie, uhm, and then Jamie Foxx, Neil Brennan and Chris Rock. And they're all talking to him about Eddie coming back to do stand up. And Eddie's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, it's like, I'm maybe half five minutes, but you guys are like doing it every day. I haven't done it since 1989. And I'm like thinking in my head, I started in 1989. Like, you stopped, I started. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, Neil's like, you know, I have a spot if you want to come on down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what a dump. You know what's funny is people come to my house and go, wow, I'm inspired. And I walked in here and I was like, wow, I'm poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know, mom's old, her feet hurt. She's a little heavy and a little short, so Yoshi will do it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, yeah, but my mom harasses him, like she'll pinch his ass and stuff. Oh really? Yeah. Come on Yoshi, you got a nice bum. And then he's like, oh, why does your mom do that to me? It makes me very uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so me and Craig Gass will call each other and just have absolutely ridiculous Yoshi conversation. Won't even the conversation be like, oh, hey Craig, uh, I just saw Rosa Peters, uh, he say hi. Uhm, oh, oh, by the way, Craig, uh, microphone say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's literally what we do. It'll be like, I'll just text him. I might even text him right after this and be like, oh hey Craig, uh, Black Lives Matter, say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I'm at my house when I live in the Hollywood Hills there. And I'm sitting on the couch with a blanket just in front of the TV, shivering and watching TV. And Yoshi had the code to my house. So Yoshi walks in and he goes, hey, how you feeling? And I go, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, I feel terrible. And he holds up two cans of soup, he goes, anyway. He goes like this, he goes, hey, how you feeling? And I go, oh thanks man. Uh, put it in the kitchen. So he goes to the kitchen, and then uh, I'm sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, no, not right now. Oh, okay. And then I go in the kitchen maybe like a few hours later. I go, Yoshi, where's that other soup? Oh, I ate it. You wanted it? I go, I thought you fucking brought it for me because I'm sick!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever people meet Yoshi for the first time, they can either get their feelings hurt, um, because you, you start overthinking yourself. Like when my son's mother met Yoshi, she thought he hated her. He just fucking sat beside me and didn't say anything. I go, yeah, that's about right. That's Yoshi. No, no, he hates me. I go, no, no, he didn't even realize he was doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, Tom, I wouldn't remember one time, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I have put him on my shows quite a bit just so I can make fun of him. Because he still doesn't know the difference between like plural and singular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I do like, hey, uh, it's okay I order a food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How we became friends, I met him in 2003.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met Yoshi at Just For Laughs in 2003. He just came to hang out. And we ended up hanging out. I was like, hey, so you like porno? And I go, yeah, uh, I mean, yeah, I have a penis and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he gave me a stack of porn. Do you like porno? And then I, you know, I was an avid watcher. Yea. In the, you know, 70s, 80s and 90s. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I started naming off. Hey, what happened to this one? He's like, wow, you have a great knowledge of porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I called you and Kane was at my house and I said, Tom, can you come over? Cause Kane was at my house and I was like, yo, you know this, uh, Tom Segura?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedian. I go, yeah, that's my boy. Yeah, he's a funny dude. He made a joke about me. I like him. And I go, I go, Kane, you gonna, I'm gonna invite him over. Is that cool? Yeah, absolutely. I'd love to meet him. That's when I called you and you came fucking right up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Primo hits me about you, and he's like, yeaah, so uh, Tom's, you know, that guy, uh, Tom used to open for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, J-Roo, Group Home, fucking, M-O-P, uh, K-R-S-1, K-R-S-1, Nas, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me, Primo. We've been filming it for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good. Oh, you gotta see the- I'll show you the, uh, trailer we made for D&D Studios. It just needs to be finished now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, would you have any notes? Um, no, I think she's doing great. Okay. I think the notes would just be keep on. Yeah. Keep on living on lady. Yeah. Keep living. I imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird. I have a foot fetish, you already knew that. And I've seen you do the episode with your wife. You talked about your feet. Oh yea, I've got good feet. You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess there's something for everybody, right? Yeaah. I used to be embarrassed of my foot fetish. Really? Yeaah. Cause it was like, and people were like, why feet? What the fuck is wrong with you? And I realized, I thought about it one day, and I was like, you know what it is about feet? It's like a credit report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's one thing you can see. Right. And if that's fucked up, we will not be going any further with the loan of my penis in this. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and look, you can be born with fucked up feet and that's not your fault. It's not. You're just not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's, there's always the soul. I mean, the upside down could fix it. Right, right, right. Could have the meaty souls as they say. Sure, sure. I think I've said way too much right now. No, it's perfect. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't like this when they separate the toes. I'm like, that's fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. That was so weird. You were going for a walk and I go, Tom, you're like, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, I'm never really there when that happens. It's never happened on my watch, but yeaah, I tell my ex-wife to put some money under the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does she get? They look like a green giant made those. Yeah, it's quite a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shouldn't he be like on buses and trains?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at least it doesn't look so weird, except for his fucked up dead fingers and, and first of all his name's Umr, not Amar. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, there's a question. No, no ma'am, I am just waiting. I am just here, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like really quick, it's not like he doesn't- Here we go! Who else does this? Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would beat the dog shit at him if I fucking saw him doing that to my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the bad thing is people don't know that. No, I know. And then they're gonna go and do it cause people are fucking sheep nowadays. Yes. We should do that. That'd be a good challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that fucking dumb one that's going on now with the don't leave me challenge. What's that? What's the don't leave me challenge? It's like, uh, uhm, uh, they go, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ring the bell and touch that pad. It's padding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. People are fucking idiots, dude. Look, I get the mask thing. You know what? It's for other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to the store. You wanna go to the store? Put your fucking mask on. Put your mask on. It's not crazy. You wanna not wear masks? Stay out of the store. Yeah. It's pretty simple. Sit in your front yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you cover God's glorious- Yeah, it's always the fucking God shit. Yeah, it's so crazy. Idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a post that said, uh, there was a guy with a KKK hood on, and it said these are the same people that claim it's hard to breathe with a mask on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not one comic hit me up that was like, hey man congrats on your new special. And I was watching all you fuckers have your specials come out and I go, not one of these motherfuckers said congrats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks man, you actually are now. It came out seven months ago, so I'm really happy about that. That was deported? Yea. Shot it in India? No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, it was small, it was like 10. Two nights with 10,000 a night. 10,000 a night? That is small. Yea. And, uh, I had, uh, Jason Collings open for me on that one. Oh yea! Oh yea, I know that. Ruben?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ruben, Ruben is amazing at helping me organize my set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can watch and go, this goes there, this should go there, and then he, and then I do it and I go, oh, fuck it, flow's so easy now. Yeaah. Yeaah. There's some people that have that. He's really great at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I had, uh, when I went back to India in the fall to do some pick-up dates, uh, I took, uh, Jimmy Schubert with me. No shit. Yeah, it was fun. Did he have fun? Oh yeah, he had a great time. He's a great guy. Yeah, they're both great. You know, Jimmy Schubert's a really incredible magician. Uh, I found that out last year. I didn't, I had no idea. When we were in my hotel room chilling, he started doing magic and I was like, what the fuck? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss Captain Marcel. She's been a little less active on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you that we didn't sleep much last night because our four year old slept in the bed with us. But I woke up fresh as a daisy, so excited for life because of the guest that's coming in today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have so many questions for him and I can't wait. I really can't wait. He's a true hero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to plug where my mom's at. If you're not aware of it, I've got a momcast, a legit one for Cool Moms only, and it's really fun. And that's on my own page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we couldn't even, I couldn't get through it. I'll tell you why. The level of bullshit this guy spews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, well if you don't know what we're referring to, there's a documentary on Netflix about Garth-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, there's a lot going on here. So let's go through, first of all, the teary delivery. Number two, everything he says sounds so rehearsed. There is not one spontaneous moment


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which means I feel like they, he was like, okay, I'll do your documentary, but I want to know exactly what you're going to ask beforehand. Like he wanted to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then he's doing the Michelle Pfeiffer, um, 90s movie. What's that one where she's teaching in the inner city and she sits down in the chair, the opposite, the AC Slater is what you kids call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was thinking, that he's concealing. Oh, definitely. Yeah. The weight. It's hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think country's a very specific lane. Either you're into it or you're not. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The beard cut. As a bearded man, can you look at the cut of that beard and tell me that that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. Stop. Because remember he goes, I like to, this is where I grew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but uhm, wait, my favorite is when he still plays Humble Pie. Like he's not a multi-millionaire or billionaire guy and he's like, I just, my favorite place to be is where I grew up, on this piece of shit farm in the middle of Oklahoma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daddy woke up every day, and his lyrics too, and he's talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, speaking of a pig with tits, even his ex-wife, the first wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had nothing but good things to say about her ex-husband, which, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is 100% her interview. You know, he's just the best. Garth is the best man on the planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His penis is so large and his music is so good. Best lover I ever had. Give me a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is on, and I would like a psychologist to really analyze, and all jokes aside here, I'm very curious as to what is really going on. This guy has such a serious facade going on. What is really the deal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, listen, this, this is the gift that keeps on giving. We'll come back to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you that, I guess cause every time he's talking, I'm just so blown away at the content. I'm not really noticing the form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't even have a gun, like one of those, not a gun gun, but a speeding, the gun that they catch on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know though, I think they symbolize something else because remember when he was interviewing the Asian lady? And he noted that they were white. Isn't that ironic? Yea, yea, that's what I'm saying. I think it's a racial thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a symbol of the... Oh yeah, there you go, a white horse, that's right, Jesus stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you what I saw in the park. I mean, you're gonna die. I was driving into work, and I'm tell- I'm tell you this, I've seen a lot of shit. I've seen-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy's fucking in the streets of San Francisco. I saw a guy wearing a pink, uh, unitard on a unicycle. I've seen crazy shit. I saw a man laying in the grass on his stomach, shirtless, and another man on top of him giving him a full body massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just one man giving another man a massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, cause I'm, I would imagine that everyone's looking at me, cause they are. When you walk by and you see that person with their face mashed into the black thing and then they're sitting up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also they don't let you lay down on those airport massages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, let me lay down and really enjoy this. Cause you're not enjoying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's like those Chinese foot massage places, and you're lined up with every other a-hole in the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or wait, other words, in the Chinese massage, you ever had it where they do your feet and then you're like, you want full body? And you're like, yeah. And then they sit you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they just give you a back massage with your bra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're sitting up so you're not comfortable again and everybody's watching. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, because I'm not familiar with the OnlyFans website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's got a lot of genres in place. She's got the foot demo, she's got the high knee demo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was the turning point. That's why you pay extra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they know you, they know what they're getting into, which means they really like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have to also thank you for taking one for the team with Tic Cups because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but just so you know, I have ordered a dick cage. That's right, you did email me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean any medical professionals listening, is that possible that it's moles or could it be warts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For all our sakes, we need to avoid crowds any way we can right now. But what if you need to go to the post office? What if you need postage to send out letters and packages? Don't worry. Stamps.com is here to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With stamps.com you can print postage on demand and skip those lines and crowds at the post office. And if that wasn't enough stamps.com also offers UPS services now, which is tremendous with discounts up to 62% and no UPS residential surcharges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer in the safety and comfort of your own home, office, or anywhere else you are hunkering down right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're a small business sending invoices or an online seller shipping out products, uh, Stamps.com can handle all of it with ease. And right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter Mom. Stay safe, my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an intense man. Yeah. Well, and uh, he looks like he smokes a lot of cigarettes. I don't know if he does, but doesn't he seem kind of smokery and like doesn't take care of himself? I don't know. The eyebrows are a little high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but he is likening himself to actors, I see what he's saying, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But thank you Yoshi for sacrificing your body for the sake of humanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there aren't many male stars like this guy Nacho. Are there many male stars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you even take Rocco's torch, though? I mean, that guy's- Well, that's a lot to live up to, and maybe that's why-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait now hold on, what about me and a trans man? Wait. How would that work? Let me wrap my brain around this, so hold on. It's a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't- oh man, vaginas are way more daunting than peiners, cause they're complicated, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's a thing, there's a lot of complications to the Vigene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might do that because that's easy. Then I don't have to like touch it, lick it, or deal with it. Yeah, let's just rub each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his separation, anxiety issues. He had a lot of issues. Because of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll notice our perfectly behaved dog, Bitsy, because I read the puppy book you wrote and I trained her according to your principles. And she is a goddamn near perfect dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and you grew up around these animals and you really wanted to know how they thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let's talk about this why, because you said on the farm the dogs that you had were working dogs. They had jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is that working for the dog, the walk? Why is it walking so important to the dog? Cause you stress the importance of walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause apropos this thing, when I learned watching your shows and reading your books and in the process of rehabilitating FIFO, our first dog,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The walk. It's so important because I know this from watching you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's got a long leash, one of those fucking clickers. Yeah. And the dog is tremendous, huge, 150 pound Mastiff and it's pulling her along the road. I go, that's an analogy for everything in their world, right? The dog is pulling you, you're out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're relaxed. You're assertive. Your head is up. You're looking forward. And the dog, you're just loose. It's not, you're not choking him. You don't need to. And the dog will follow that energy. And that is 100% true in life. Is it not? It was a metaphor for me. For how you carry yourself in the whole world. Of just head up. Calm the fuck down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this. It's been said that now is a good time to adopt an animal because everybody's home for COVID, you know, the quarantine, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, I think it's good to adopt animals, but I feel like it's not a good time to do this because people are gonna go back to their lives and then you're gonna have a bunch of people with dogs left at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like, this is, this is the odd time that you're home all the time. I don't know, do you think it's a good time to adopt an animal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, certain breeds are not for certain people, no? You should research that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we want to chill and we don't want to chase around all day. Listen, I want to get into you though as a person. I find you very inspiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. But listen to Caesar, by the time he was 16, no sorry, 14, you would have won SIX competitions consecutively in Judo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sense this about you. You're the type of- and I knew this from the minute we watched your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Caesar's the kind of guy, what time do you wake up in the morning? Five. Right. I fucking knew it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're doing pushups, and you're saying hello, and you're running with your pack of animals by 6.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you come from such a small environment and how did you have such big dreams growing up on a tiny farm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're popping pills and we're drinking. So hold on, you're up at 5am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about you, but when I go to the gym, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I don't know what weights I should be using or what workout I should be doing, which is why I love FitBod. Uhm, it's an app that basically structures a workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can construct a whole training program for you without equipment. And here's the deal, man. I'll tell you, sometimes personal trainers, not sometimes, all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, are very expensive and personalized training can be tough on a budget, but FitBot is only $9.99 a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or $59.99 a year. Plus you can try one month of workouts absolutely free. Holy cow. Get a personalized fitness plan that helps you work out smarter at fitbod.me slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try FitBod for free for one month when you sign up today at fitbod.me slash mom. That's one free month when you sign up at fitbod.me slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now do you have a dog that sleeps on your bed? Do you allow a dog to sleep? Who sleeps on your bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now hold on. You come to the USA. You come to San Diego. This is the part that I love, Caesar. I just think it's so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He comes to the U.S. San Diego, he's dropped off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you said that you, you appeared homeless, that you were even, you know, your clothes were a little dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my dad would always say, when he came to the US, he said, I landed in Detroit. I couldn't believe it. I could buy a hot dog and two virtualies, which is a hot dog for like $5 or whatever it was. He couldn't believe it. Oh, that's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yes. When she reads, she drinks the coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've been meaning to ask you this question for like a decade, and Tom and I have discussed this just between the two of us. What breed of dog do you think you would be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is. Well, my husband, it's so funny, I have a stand up comedy hour called Mother Inferior on Netflix and I reference you because I am like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, Cesar Millan, to my husband. I use coma sorts of energies. I am the PUC leader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, how upset do you get when you see people walking their dogs in baby carriages? I saw a woman in our neighborhood with three Yorkies that were able bodied. They weren't like elderly Yorkies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, well this dog, um, can lift at his leg and urinate it into a toilet, close the lid, and flush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've noticed in the dog training world, and I know you're a, you're a rehabilit, you're not, but there is a certain, there are two camps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are people that reward dogs with treats. The treat trainers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's more of what I think you teach people. The traditional ones. Yeah, I, and I, I, I loathe a treat trainer. We had a treat trainer come originally with FIFO, and it, and she's, and they take the clicker, and then you click, and then you hand the dog, and it's like, I don't even understand why. So now you're training the dog to eat snacks every 30 seconds, is what it seems like to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I also read that you trained Oprah Winfrey's dogs. Did they have personal chefs as well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is very natural. What are you talking about? Perfectly natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else is gonna- Okay, so I do have one behavioral thing I wanted to ask you about with Miss Bitsy. She's a great dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, when we got her, I was, I, so we had an older guy, FIFO, and we got Betsy just as I found out I was pregnant with our first son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long story short, there are two little boys running around. Although Bitsy's grown up with babies her whole life, I think they drive her crazy at times. And our older boy Ellis was blowing a whistle, doo doo doo, and it was freaking her out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were in Ellis's room and Bitsy jumped up on his bed and was looking right at him and just peeped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she's never growled. She's never so much as growled at our children. But she was stressed, right? I mean, I imagine that's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, we've had her pee on her bed, like, two times. Once as a puppy, and then like, or maybe, yea, right? Like, didn't Bitsy just pee on her comforter a while back? What's that all about? That's a message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So I was wondering, oh, but she did this as an adult. This was like a... That could be a habit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't in her character. And she sleeps in her own area at night. She doesn't sleep on her bed. She sleeps in the laundry room. But anyway. She chose that place? No, basically she has a form of IBS because of her genetics, like she's so inbred. So she was on the bed, but she would get diarrhea in the middle of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 5 o'clock at night and then in the morning at 8.30. And we switched her food to help her digestive issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it was, I had a feeling and she was probably like, you're always gone with these fucking dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grinding away. And then how did the show come about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I read that they wanted you to sign your life story rights away, and you were like, nah brah, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask one final, I know we gotta wrap up soon, but my favorite thing in the world is when you act like a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause you're, you're putting your own human story on what the dog's behavior means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. I think that's why I'm so attracted to your work. Because it's so thoughtful, it's so layered, it's so meaningful. It wasn't just like, give the dog a treat when it does something right. It's so counter intuitive to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because FIFO changed our lives, that dog completely opened us up and he's the reason we have two beautiful children today, I think, cause he made us love and be responsible for something outside of ourselves, you know, and we really, we love taking care of that guy and of this one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and that's the outcome you want. So you project that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is he reading? If you like my videos, check out the comments for the link to a discord server I've created. Thanks for watching, hail yourself, and hail Satan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on it's way. It's on it's way. Fuck. Say goodbye, you gotta find a new app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poutine fries. What are poutine fries? Well, poutine fries are basically your fries, cheese, and a great appetite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gonna be a bit of a change to the recipe. Everybody likes to change the recipe up. Okay. These ones are gonna have fries, cheese, pig shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And pig piss, uuuh, it's going to be a treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you inside of the house with shoes on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you serious? Stupid. I mean, he made the mess, make him clean it up. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look man, if you're not harder on your kid,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so hard on my kid and he's practically failing all of his classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the one who should be sorry. Oh please. Just realized that you needed somebody to help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the one who should be sorry. I just realized that you needed somebody to help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Hile, Seattle Commie Nazi Fascist. The Hile, Seattle Consul and Mayor, are fascist and clown. Our crazy Nazi Gestapo garbage rats from Animal Farm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clean dirty stupid council chamber from this clown, criminal and killer. This cannot go on forever. Stand up Seattle, stand up America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to clean our government from dirty garbage rats who drink from fat catholic. Stand up Seattle. Stand up America. It's time for real change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zichail, Seattle commie Nazi fascist. Zichail, Seattle consul and mayor, are fascist and clown. Are crazy. I am Alex Zimmerman. Speak to you. Seattle emerald degenerate super smart freaking idiot. With Nazi socialist, democrat and anti-Semite principle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to stop Nazi-Socialist-Democrat mafia with progressive Gestapo principle which have brought Seattle to number one fascist city in America. And total collapse. Only pure idiots don't understand so one party system is always fascist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to clean our government from dirty garbage rats who drink from fat catholic. Stand up Seattle. Stand up America. It's time for real change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, Conald? See, you're having some problems in Rifle, Colorado. In Durango. Way to go, Rifle. Keep up the good work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you get charged for every cop in every video you have for harassing each and every person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it is harassment. Enjoy your day, Ghostmaker Peterson. Uh oh. By the way, love the way you change all them fucking YouTube channels, you fucking pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't know me for me at all. I got some nice ass fucking teeth. I got some nice motherfucking attributes. You know, nobody wants to hire me. Everybody thinks I'm a motherfucking criminal. Which I'm not. I was wrongfully accused. And I don't have a criminal fucking record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans! There's always a blessing in the skies, as I like to say. Some of us have some free time. Why not build a website? And why not build that website using Squarespace? I love Squarespace. I've been a fan of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For years, I've built four websites with my own two little paws. I like them because their templates are clean. They're intuitive. They're compatible with mobile devices. So when people look you up, they see a beautiful website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not do it to promote a business to maybe your wedding is coming up and you want to put the details at weddings so you don't get asked 500 questions a day. Birth of a new child, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do Squarespace. Hit up squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're happy. You guys notice he's happy today. You know why? I milked the bear last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my fair part is that it's an Instagram Live and that the whole world can see. Yeah, that's the other layer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You really were into it though. And I'm really happy doing 10 milligram Tom or 20 milligrams. Yeah, it was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to tell you that I've been getting many messages saying that people have been enjoying our quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're both so relaxed and so chill and people are really liking us. And I have to tell you that I'm so now used to doing absolutely nothing but being with the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can I get fingered then? What if someone, someone goes down on me and that's not cheating? You don't mind? I didn't know this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but, but if that's the thing I can do, really, with other people, should I get eaten out at the comedy store? I could get eaten out at the grocery store. I could get eaten out at Starbucks. I'm a woman. It's easy, easy picking for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did privacy, man. I'm not just some animal out in the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't hear about it very often. You know, it's a low risk for STD unless that person's got a cold sore on their lip at the time. Right? That's really all I can. Is that the only thing I can catch from the Orals with people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Nadav? Dr. Henny in the booth? No, right? Cause dick sucks, you can get herpes on your peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I guess, get an STD receiving oral sex? I can't read that. Damn. Of course you can. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Herpes, we said that one. HPV. Oh, throat chlamydia. Yeah, well that's what the person can get from me. I don't give a shit. It's also possible to get or pass on syphilis, hepatitis, or HPV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know, none of those will kill ya. Big deal. Little bit of hep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, chlamydia of the throat. Again, not my problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that your fantasy? Just a lineup of chicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just thinking of a two for convenience because I don't have a lot of time. I got two kids at home. I can't go find a hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was getting groceries. But I'm also thinking of your feelings, okay? Because if we open up the relationship this way, do I have to tell you about these things? Or can I just be like, hey man, I went to Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can look at other people. You may masturbate to porn with other women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pictures, Victoria's Secret catalogs, I don't know. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you may not have a relationship. I don't want a relationship. In real life with anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Do you at least give her a cup of water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're so depraved. This is better than your old fantasy of stapling my tit to the desk, and you're the janitor, and you put my head in the bucket of water, dirty water. Remember that fantasy you used to have? Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? Ready? You're a real classist. You really like that. You ready? demeaning people. Sure. I mean, I don't feel good, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, do you go, like obviously whoever's doing that is not well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, it's in our neighborhood when we walk bitsy around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some neighbors have a sign on their lawns of a dog squatting like it's about to take a dump and then it's like, don't poo here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of, but also what's more gross, like having a sign of a dog simulating taking a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the signs that we have in our cute little neighborhood are of the dog squatting. Yeah, like pushing out a turd and you're like, why would you put that? That's even more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's grosser than just having a turd. No, ours has like a cutout dog. It's like the shape of an actual dog. It's silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's silly. That's what they're there for. Dogs poo. But this is crazy. So you would confront our neighbor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, and she brought her own poo bag with her, which is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is this because there's a shortage of places to go in public? There's like not enough public restrooms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These- You mean to tell me that these people don't wipe their heinies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The break is so clean. So clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That you actually probably don't need a lot of toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how much I love brown talk, but like, I can't even wrap my head around just going in a mall. Like, I, how do they, are they not worried that someone can see them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this one just went in this lady's bushes in broad daylight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even, and here's the deal man, if I'm out walking in our neighborhood,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna walk home. Like I'd make it a priority to try to get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do the money control, where you're like, you stupid fuck, give me a hundred dollars. And then they have to give it to you in your Venmo or whatever. That's easy money. This chick is working way too hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The financial ones. Yeah, what are you doing this stuff for? Hurting your knuckles, ruining your manicure. You have to squat over this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are back to straws. It's so much better keeping your teeth white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right, because the power dynamic. The power dynamic is different. Yes. But it's still, it's still, it's horrible. Mhmm. Babe, it's just dick sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe if it's just like a pajama shirt or something that you just wear around the house. Like your quarantine gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something tells me she's not so concerned with hygiene if you look at that background. The background's terrible. I mean, the bed, the sheets ripped up, she doesn't make her bed, what's all that? I know. Photographic equipment. She looks crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's one, it's like I wish she would set this up as an infomercial, like you ever want to get out of the house but there's comma on your dress? That's a good idea. Right? Or like right now she's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duh, that's what detergents do, right? Doesn't that shit remove everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I would disagree because when I wash cum off my body, warm showers tend to be the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you find this, this debate happens in, in like the cleaning a pan community? Grease. How do you get grease off a pan? Cold water or hot water? I always say hot water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so basically she's like, wipe it with a towel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, and secondly, aren't you embarrassed that there's cum on your shirt that you're gonna take to the cleaner? I don't know. I'd be embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now I know why our housekeeper wears gloves. I mean, even before this pandemic. One time I saw our housekeeper cleaning her sheets and she had latex gloves and I was like, that's smart. She knows who she's dealing with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think she put it in the Ziploc bag? Cause she knew it goes a nasty part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This feels like half a tutorial. I wanna know more about this chick, cause I feel like she's got a lot of wisdom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like the top half, but then if you'll see that white tag hanging down, that's a tag that you're supposed to leave on the shirt. It's off white. What's that mean? That's the brand? Yea. May I see the tag right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, that is ridiculous. That's ridiculous. They want you to keep it on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Benny, is that cool or not to leave the tag on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like your shoes. I think the pants are a little flamboyant for you. Here's what I would have done. I would have toned down the pants to wear those kicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it goes well together. It's a lot of flair. Let's just have any way in. Yeah, and he's the fashionista.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but the deal is, is that it's not brand new because it's sewn onto the shirt so that every time you wear it, it's supposed to say it's supposed to look brand new, right? That's the point is that every time you wear it, you wear the tag. I know it is brand new in this case, but the next time you wear it, the tags are going to stay there, right? That's the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have so many surprises for you, no idea. I'm so excited. But I think you look ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He legit got mad at me and he was like, this is stolen baller. So first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so mad at me. So, you're right. This is the key thing's been going on for, for days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just go, okay, well, it's my turn to bat. Like I'm the seeker of the house. That's my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order for it to be stolen valor, I had to have been aware of the valor stolen, and then, I, how was I to know that in the meantime,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had been found by someone else. I literally thought when I went to the credenza, I thought, oh my good fortune. I can't believe I found the key. This is amazing because it is a makeshift keychain and I made that keychain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is not stolen valor. If I'm not aware of, I wasn't, I wasn't claiming someone else's work. I genuinely was ignorant of the fact, so, but what did you do? So I come in with a map, and then what did you do, you psychopath?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well listen to what this psychopath does. So, I get the mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's our nanny. She found it outside and she put it on the cr- and I go-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, wait a minute though. But in order for me to have stolen someone's valor, you have to confirm the valor from which I stole. You told me Claudia found it, now you're telling me that you did not confirm that fact with her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in order to steal someone's valor, the person has to be aware that they're stealing. You're telling me that I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really thought you had confirmed this with Claudia. I cannot believe it. She's the only other person that comes into our home. I know, I know. So then, now, who could have... You're fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's turning into, uh, just shining. Somebody put his face on. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All work and no play. And now he has an office in this house we live in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And boy, God forbid if one of us goes in there when he's not around, or maybe the kid wanders in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, may I submit to the jury a piece of evidence? Now the reason I am called the seeker in the house is because he'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll go upstairs and I will literally be next to his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, this is the wallet, and I'll go into his nightstand and I'll go, here's your wallet, and you go, why'd you find that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I lifted up the cloth, the sweater that was covering it, like he's not a good looker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is it? It's on the counter. Is it near the coffee machine or is it near the, like, it's on the fucking counter, in the kitchen. What about the plug? It's right next to the thing, I don't know, just look. He's not a good looker, he's not a good seeker. You're not a good seeker, can you just admit to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, that's been my problem with you this week in quarantine. Also, I've got some big news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really big news, may I have some sound effects please? Oh, okay. This will shatter the listeners to their core.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just say this quarantine has changed many people's lives. In big ways. In big ways. It's affected our day to day existence. It's affected everyone's lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the past, I have been very vocal about my preference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Skippy, peanut butter. Yes. Smooth, not crunchy. Yes. Because of this quarantine and shortage of said Skippy in the grocery store, and flour by the way, I can't get a bag of flour to save my god damn life, or Nutella, forget about Nutella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other day I got some Jif, I mean Skippy leftover. I found a little bit of Skippy. I tasted it. I don't like it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll say it into the camera. I like Jif over Skippy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can we talk about it? I do like Jif now, it's sugary and it tastes more like real peanuts and I tried Skippy after I had been getting used to Jif.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now Skippy tastes like a greasy, flavorless pan. It just tastes like grease. Yeaah. Like oily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peanut-y delicious. I totally, that's an immigrant thing. That's like how I use AquaFresh toothpaste that my dad raised me on. I still like AquaFresh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is- Okuafresh. Okuafresh is the best. Uh, but, I do, I like, I like Jif now. Also, also, I hate to admit it, but you got me into fake grass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on this. When you walked away and you came back, and you told me!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't fucking believe it. And I was like, wow. And I go, you texted her? Like, I couldn't believe you were this fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when you told me she found it, I thought, okay, I guess I did something. I must have done something wrong. But the truth is, I'm the seeker. I'm just a better seeker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find everything in the house, babe. It's my job. I find loveys, I find passys, I find, uh, we don't get good reception, yeah. It's lunchtime, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm mad that you lied to me and you came back like you really did that. How much are you lying to me because your acting is good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem is I don't lie to you because I'm not good. Right. You're a professional liar. You're scaring me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saudi Arabia, I even did gigs there. So I was kind of self-conscious about being a blondie going to these really volatile parts. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I decided to have my hair dyed brown, like to match kinda what's going on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cry. She looked great, by the way. No, I didn't. No, my hairdresser did a great job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's who I am. It's like if native didn't have his beautiful fiery red locks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Anyhoodles, I've been getting into wigs. I'm starting to watch all the videos on uh, YouTube. And I learned that you can't watch the white girls. I watch black ladies only. Cause they know what the fuck is up with wigs. And they're teaching me how to cut my lace. And they're teaching me how to fucking glue that shit on and create baby hairs. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got bleachy, silvery, about to hear, and then it's pink, long, like Cardi B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus you do more chores after. Chores? When I uh, manipulate you sexually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I feel like you're more amenable. Now and not, I didn't realize you were lying to me about key stuff, but before that, you're much nicer once I've milked you with a wig on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta go to marriage counseling. This is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my, I knew it. I knew it. You've got a double life. Remember how I was joking to you? Yea. And I'm like, wouldn't it be crazy if you had like a second family? What if I did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all need a break every now and then. Why not? Take a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but keep your brain active while you relax, which is why I like playing best fiends. That's a great way to describe it. You keep your brain active while you relax. It's not like one of those stressful games. There's a lot of games I don't like to play, uh, that, you know, I've seen Tom playing because I get too fired up. I don't want to get- Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like that stuff. What I like about best fiends is that it's a puzzle game. It's challenging just enough, like you figure out how to get the goal and then it bumps you up to the new level and it's a different type of thing. I love the characters. They're super cute. They make cute sounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With new levels, events, and characters added every month, it's hours of fun right at your fingertips and you can even play offline. With over 100 million downloads and tons of 5-star reviews, Best Fiends is a must play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or Google Play. That's Friends Without the R, best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't sound like it. Had you been disrespected before by somebody that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've been triggered, uh, recently I was triggered by somebody. Remember I had a bee sting that was getting swollen and infect, like infected? And I was alone with the kids and I had to go to urgent care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one doctor on duty. It wasn't a fucking doctor. He was an RN or whatever. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear this motherfucker lollygagging in the room next to me talking about boats in Florida and this and that and I'm like, I gotta go bro, like I got, I, you know, I got two kids, I got, my arm is all fucking swelling up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear him laughing like a donkey and doing his bullshit. So finally when he gets it, he keeps me waiting for like 20 minutes. Lollygagging, talking about golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, this motherfucker, old white man mothafucka- I was already like, this fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I'll say like, hey, you need to text this person back for me because I'm gonna do it and I'm not gonna be cool. Like the tone will be fucked up because I'm too angry right now. Like I know when to hand the wheel to Tommy. I'll be like, I can't bro, like I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got kids, I gotta go back. And he looks at it and he's like, nah, it's fine. I'm like, this is fine. I go, this is not fine, bro. Like, this is crazy. This is not normal for me. So I call our doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, dude, talk to this fucking nurse, dude. He doesn't know what the fuck is up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not, he's not a doctor. He's not a doctor. And I wanted drugs in case it gets, it is infected. I want my fucking penicillin so I don't have to come back twice. You know what I'm saying? Right. So I go tell, tell this motherfucking nurse to give me drugs and he got so mad. The guy was like, next time you decide to call your doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should tell me beforehand. I'm like, oh really? Okay. I'm like, just write me the prescription. Let me get out of here. He did. Yeah, he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he triggered the fuck out of me. I- cause I don't like lollygaggers, man. This is serious. Yeah, it's not- Don't you lollygag on me, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tend to kill the cunts with kindness, like mean flight attendants. Yeah. Cause generally they come around, but sometimes they don't. And then I'll be like, really? When they're real assholes though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking about all the times I've been mad at someone. Irrationally. It happens. It used to happen a lot more when I was a feature act and I'd be up at five in the morning, airports and shit. Mad at people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, right, right. Same as any customer service, like, it's a chosen profession.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every job, yeaah. I would rather than deal with the public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like California. I'd say menopause was rough on Diane. Fuck! Sucked every last bit of estrogen out of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Sweatpants, nylon make him look bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, that was a nylon purchase, that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the command center? What's the command center? Like Buzz Lightyear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In all fairness, he might be Asian himself though. Not, I mean, that makes it a little easier, isn't it? What kind? I don't know, but he's dark, dark hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm just trying to help a brother out, okay? I'm just trying to be as positive as possible in this time of quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love that people put this out on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, good job. Yeah. Oh, so what happened to us? I'm so tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there another way? Just a light?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I shut our bedroom door and I could hear CHIRP through that door. So I thought, oh fuck, let me go down the hall. I'm gonna go sleep in another room. I closed that door and I can still faintly hear CHIRP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I turn on a sound machine app on my phone, and now I couldn't hear the chirp. But that was four in the morning, I had to move back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now the question is, how long are we gonna wait before we change the battery? Do we just let it chirp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so that's, we gotta fix that. And then the other day you had a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About a lot of people's suffering. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean like, I watch CNN every day. I'm not seeing Anderson cover this story or Sanjay Gupta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, there's no goal. I think it's just, just wildin' out, wildin' out bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would go math, I would go mania of bipolar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda could watch these kind of videos all day. Is this what Cops was like and I just missed the train on that show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geez. I wonder why you don't have to give a copier ID. Is this in California?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's exhausting, he's exhausting this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sorry, the guy with the suction cups on his tits. How could I forget? So we found him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love it. It says Calgary and then his phone number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a few questions for you, Norman. Thanks for the response. First of all, how long have you been involved in the BDSM community? And part of that, how long have you been living as a pig?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, what do family, friends or neighbors think about your lifestyle? If you would rather not answer that, I understand. Finally, do you actually enjoy your life? How is it at the moment? Or do you do it because you are forced to slash told to? Thank you, Norman. Have a great day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glad that this sent a chill down my spine. The, uh, the trauma, I'm guessing. Oh, the trauma, to quote Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe the dick sucking is a way of him to be submissive, like a woman is telling him, you suck a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I am so happy that we put this mystery together. What an excellent use of brain power. A college graduate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but what's the difference between the old lady putting a call out for local men?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe he's soliciting, like, too nasty? Like, illegal? Is he- he's wanting illegal things done? Is that what this is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut. Dude, he's a fucking mortgage broker, dude. This is before the head tattoo. Dude, that's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I can't imagine, so he must have been banned and taken down. Someone must, they must have complained about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. Is he not on the Grum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh. Well, what a riddle. If anybody could enlighten us, that would be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it. So Josh has been calling his phone and we haven't heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gosh. I imagine our listeners have found him already and have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the greatest find we've had at YMH for a long time. I don't wanna lose. I can't believe the trail has gone cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was the first one to really inspire me. Well that's how I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a, well there's a whole lot of new stuff going around. You ready? Yep. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the tone of that one. That was awesome! I like the wind chime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a waterfall, it just needs to be up capped a bit. Like mineral building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found this on Easter Sunday and man, it really tickled me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so hesitant. The finger poke. She's like, excuse me. What I like too is the audio. Uhm, it's a real calorie burner. I think of the irony of like an exercise. Be active. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, don't you wish you would have just kept on driving? Like, don't help people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop with this. I love, I love the military. I've been to Afghanistan, as I mentioned earlier, United Arab Emirates, Riyadh, to entertain troops, Haller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Persian Gulf. I stayed on an oil platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right though, when I used to smoke cigarettes that would, it was like a trigger, it would make me shit all the time. How come, do you, is that how you take a shit in a dog? By smoking? Does it make you shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're getting our four year old involved in your web of lies? You're a real psycho, you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was legit mad at me for this stuff. It was really irrational. I had to talk to- I talked about it with my therapist. You did? I was like, what is this shit that's stolen Valor? I was like telling her the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and I go, I swear to god, and I go, maybe it was my tone, like when I had found the mail box key and I found it, like maybe was I too gloaty? And I made you feel inferior? Like was I being too crappy with my tone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you know, does that what provoked you to be so angry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she said, well, no, this, you know, maybe this, this, it sounds like this is something that's a deeper thing for him. You know, maybe something in his life. He was taking, you know, someone else got to take credit for something or I don't know. I said, okay. But she just, she said, we don't know. We don't know what it is, but, uh, that was that. And I was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm just saying that, I see how you can interpret it like that. I'm being sincere. I see how you read that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm returning the wigs. I'm taking Xanadu back to Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what you want? You want me to send back Xanadu? Cause I will, and Star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna force her to send that text at gunpoint? You're gonna put a fucking knife in her throat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what childhood wound this is from. This one's fucking unreal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm going to be ready to party with the Redneck Nation. And if everybody agrees, say hell right!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Reneknation, live stream tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe he actually knows how to work a bio. He did that right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hybrid children are a type of star being that consists partly of our DNA and partly of the DNA of other galactic energies. So if you are a starseed, you may also consider yourself a hybrid child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I talk about hybrid children, I'm talking about the ones that are not yet here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my child is made up partly of my energetic template.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I personally don't remember the time in which my energetic template was sampled, but some of you may remember these experiences. There's gonna be a part two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he? And he did not kill each other? Mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, I can function sexually except for the punctuation point which is finishing without the aid of myself. I see. I'm not affected by rejection anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need any, I don't need to fall in love. I would prefer to just jizz inside, dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally get your first impression. Obviously a creepy vibe is what I put off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The man is constantly coming down on us sex workers. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hey, by the way, I wanna fuck, and I fuck dudes, and I cum all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's exciting. I'm reminded of all the things I said, which is odd. Right? Oh, okay. Yeah, it's kind of weird right when you hear that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'd like to get one. It's harder than just fucking, apparently. Uhm, have you been on the apps? No, I don't fuck with the apps. No? No, they're not gonna fuck with me. So have you been seeing somebody regularly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You know, like going out on dates and shit. Do you have one specially that you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. Really? That's a no. I don't know means no. Yea, that's a no. Yea, probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to be like an athlete's wife. I thought that's what you were saying. Oh, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, once you start saying the number and it gets bigger, it's like in second grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like we saw, uh, the fucking one with Sandra Bullock in space in the theaters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's a lot of reasons for that. Mostly because of comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here and there, uh, out and about in Los Angeles. It's a real happenin' city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I lived here a year where I went on zero dates because of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. I'd like to gather more details. I gotta get out there more. What kind of dates do you recommend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since I met Rose, I, I wanna look young for her. So I have been dying my hair. And it irritates my scalp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I found out that mayonnaise makes it smoother and less dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since I met Rose, I, I wanna look young for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it irritates my scalp. So I found out that mayonnaise makes it smoother and less dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm self-conscious of my physical appearance. Why? Because Rose is 31 years younger than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I smell like an egg salad sandwich, but it really really works. I just want to look young for Rose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm self conscious of my physical appearance because Rose is 31 years younger than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Rose is 31 years younger than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since I met Rose, I wanna look young for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Big news here, there's a new offer. Go to Saatva.com and get $225 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your purchase, go now, saatva.com slash y m h and get a new mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Moms is brought to you by Whoop. Every day I wear my Whoop and I love this thing. It provides so much personal insight into what's going on with my body, my sleep performance, the strain, how I've recovered, what's going on with my resting heart rate. I love it. Right now it's May, it's Mental Health Awareness Month. In the current situation we're in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this quarantine, it could not be more important to be, uh, monitoring the stress put on our bodies and how we recover on a day to day basis. I love all the insight. They ask you questions. Did you drink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you smoke weed? Are you experiencing stress? Did you read? Were you looking at things on a screen device? Do you share your bed? You input what you did, you go through your day, you put yourself through the stress of exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sleep to recover and you get all this data to study and see how what you're doing is affecting what your body ends up doing. It's, it's amazing and I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for our listeners, whoop is offering 15% off with the code yourmom at checkout. Go to whoop, w h o o p dot com. Enter your mom at checkout to save 15% sleep better, recover faster and train smarter. Optimize your performance with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's great to be back. I gotta say, ever since, uh, last week, uh, Nadav apologized to me. Yeah. We have been on the same level. Really? We have been vibing. Yeah, it's really good. It's good to be, you know what I mean? To feel like that at work again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how it was is now how it is. Right? Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the power of poetry. You know, I have somebody that would have mocked that so long ago, but you know, working with my guy to like, he's like channel, channel those like violent rageful thoughts onto the paper and then I didn't realize, I didn't realize I actually screwed up. I wasn't supposed to read that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I didn't realize it at the time. He was like, you read it to him? And I was like, yeah. He was like, oh, no, no, just write it. And then that's the exercise. I was like, oh, okay. Because if you read it to him, he could probably think you're threatening him. And I was like, oh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I, I felt fine. Now you're calm. Now I'm calm. And then, and then to hear his, you know, was, was lovely. That made you feel even stronger. No, I felt great. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a wonderful thing. Thank you. Yeah. Well, uhm, this is going to be a great episode. We have so much to go over, so much to share with you, and uhm, nothing like getting an episode of YMH started like the late, great,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I wonder what type of hot chick is turned on by the bag of meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many girls can you go like, got some, got a bag of meth here and they're like, ooh, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that really is. And there is definitely that lady out there who's like, whoever's got the meth, that's where I'm hanging out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is like, we get to digest him in these little clips where you get to like be amused. I empathize with the lady who's like, God damn it. Cause you realize if that is calling you every day, it's emotionally exhausting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like also that he calls ladies koochies, uh, twinkies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to see the fun, I see what the fun is for sure, but man, fed smoker, really intense, intense man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's actually, you know, entertaining the call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just lets the ash fall in his car, like on his hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Those are fucking dork glasses. Yeaah. Dork glasses. Yeaah, those are terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they didn't know how to wash cars, because the way you wash a car is you just fill it up with water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's exactly what a four year old would do. How do you wash a car? You put water in it, and then you spray it. Thanks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would be like, please tell me he's dead. He's not back, is he?


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[Assistant] He's, by the way, every employer, this is their nightmare story. Like if you ever had like a crazy employee, all, everybody he ever worked for was like, there was one piece of shit. Like we've, there was the day we almost shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's all, it's all related to him. A hundred percent, yea. Nightmare.


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[Assistant] It's a chill vibe in Connell's car.


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[Assistant] Just, you know, relax, have a little fun. He's cool to people too. He's a cool guy.


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[Assistant] So a fun thing, a huge shout out to my friend Matt Farah, the Smoking Tire. He, uhm, hooked me up with some PR cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I'm driving this McLaren GT. Which is so, so fun. And on the way over here today, we're driving to work. Uhm, we're getting, first we have this complete lunatic, anytime you drive a sports car or an exotic car, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people look at it, some people are like, what is, you know, they like cars, and then there's always the people who want to race you, you know?


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[Assistant] I saw this lunatic, by the way, I saw him, uhm, speeding up behind me, like, really aggressively, when we're on just side streets, you know? Yeaah. And leading up to the freeway, and I saw him in the rearview, and I was like, this guy's driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He cuts off to enter the freeway, like right next to, uh, you know, sheriff's department or whatever. I'm like, alright, and he's in a turbo S, so he's in a really, really fast car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then he cuts off people entering the freeway, you know, on the ramp, cuts them off, drives up all the double lines to get onto the freeway, and he revved as he went past, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fuckin' zooms off, you know, and I can see, he probably is like Connell in the car like, I pulled that show, that fuckin' was up! Ah! Just, you know he was. I saw him, he was a lunatic. But, then we uhm, we actually get on the freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hit the brakes, and I look, and I don't see a cop car anywhere. Like anywhere.


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[Assistant] I'm looking in the mirror, I'm looking left and right, and I'm like, where is it? And you go, maybe it's on the other side. I'm like, that doesn't really make sense though. Anyways, we keep driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let's say a few miles, now we're at the junction. The 405 meets the 101. We're getting on. And as we get on, I hit it again. Woo! I'm like, fuck!


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[Assistant] So I slob and I look around and we realize it's a guy in a pickup truck who has this siren on his car that he's clearly just taunting people who he sees hit the gas.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he fucked with me so hard. I'm sure that he just, he looks for people to go like, and then he's just like laughing in his car.


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[Assistant] I drove a real police car in Steve Byrne's movie. Like, it's like a, it's an LAPD car.


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[Assistant] Completely, with all the lights, all the buttons, the dash, everything. So fun. And we're on a set, but the set is near the highway. And that movie's coming out, it's supposed to come out later this year.


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[Assistant] I'm sitting there with one of the PAs and I'm in full uniform and I was like, let's see what this thing can do. And he's like, if you do that here next to the highway and it affects the way someone drives on the highway.


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[Assistant] Basically further into the set to fuck with it. There's no more fun feeling than having sirens. I know, I kinda wish you hadn't. The same shit that amuses a two year old amuses you when you're forty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, I called my dad, I said, I'm driving this, this crazy fun car. He's like, you got, ah, you got a radar detector?


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[Assistant] I'm like, no, he's like, get one of those. I'm like, uh, okay. He goes, see if somebody can install it for you. And he just goes off whenever, you know, this way you avoid police detection. I'm like, I know how radar works. You don't have to tell me what it does.


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[Assistant] He goes, in Los Angeles, there's probably someone that does that. You guys got someone for everything.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I think, I think as, as we all get older we eventually, you know, your capacity to process new things diminishes. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you talk to any older person about technology, it's evident. We will be that one day. Like, you can't imagine the technology that will be available and you'll be talking to somebody much younger and they'll be like, oh, fucking unreal to talk to this person. They can't even sync their brain to their phone. And you're like, I just want to go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's the thing, nobody understands show business. Cause I've gotten that suggestion, like your immigrant mother suggested it, as did mine, as did my dad, as did my uncle and aunt, they were just like, my dad was like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, tell them you like cars too.


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[Assistant] I saw them, they look nothing like the ones he had on the other day. These are legit norm approved tit cups. These are varsity cups.


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[Assistant] It's basically like if Josh was sitting here and I was going... Like that.


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[Assistant] You've been impressed by Norm's tits. Way too easy what we do with Josh.


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[Assistant] I'm telling you, I know it's a tough sell for some people, but if you go to YouTube and you go to my page, Tom Segura, I've been doing these podcasts in Spanish every few weeks. It helps me stay on top of it, and uhm, you know, I was touring in Spanish before the world stopped.


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[Assistant] So, twice now I've had my mom on, and it is remarkable. You have no idea. I'm telling you, she is funnier than 99% of comedians we know. And in this last one, if you look up the last one,


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[Assistant] You can turn on closed captioning. Everyone's like, I wish there were subtitles. There are!


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[Assistant] Turn on closed captioning and you can read along, but she is so shameless in her


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[Assistant] You're the best son in the world. And I'm like, stop it. And then we would talk and then throughout the, she goes, tell me you're going to send me the


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[Assistant] I'm like, mom, no, I just sent her, like, through another guilt thing.


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[Assistant] A fucking super high end espresso maker. Like this is last month. She goes, I'm bored.


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[Assistant] Just send me one of your nice coffee makers. And I was like, uh, and she kept doing this thing where I was like, fine. First I actually did send her a nine dollar coffee maker, which is like a filter. And I just, and she sent me a video that she was like, you are a piece of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. But then I sent the really nice one. And I was like, you know, yeaah, it's nice. I'm spoiling my mother.


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[Assistant] The next month, she's like, how about the iPad Pro?


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[Assistant] Like you should just be like, oh, you're my son, of course. She's like, I gave you this great podcast. You didn't give me $7,000.


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[Assistant] Which was her fee. Extortion. For appearing on a podcast. Seven grand. Like where do you come up with that number? She's like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] So anyways, um, she has been harassing me, right? And so, yeah, I mean, she's, yeah, she tried to get you on her side, right?


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[Assistant] There we go. Yeah, we're friends. So then she, um, she kept, she, uh, she sent me these long messages via text and then sent like a gif of someone praying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, please, please. So I just sent her gifts of people crying, you know?


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[Assistant] Really? She FaceTimed me, I was with Ellis, and uh, she's like, she's like, Ailis, tell Dada to give me an iPad. And then I whisper into Ellis' ear, and then he goes, why are you so old?


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[Assistant] And then I go, and then he goes, you're too old for an iPad.


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[Assistant] She's like, tell your father he is too mean. He's like,


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[Assistant] She knows how to get you. She knows how to get you. Because you want to know what? Guilt. I bought her the iPad Pro. Of course. She hasn't, it hasn't arrived yet and I didn't tell her. She's been like, she goes, tell me it's coming. And I go, no, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Toy Story, there's Forky and he's got these big bubbly like eyes, you know, it's like all plastic stuff. I took one of those and I put it on a notepad and I go, it's an iPad and I showed her that. I'm like, send you one of these, you know, just to be a dick. Um, but I, I actually,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought her the iPad Pro. It's on the way to her. A lot of people were like, are you gonna do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have an idea. But I had it engraved.


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[Assistant] On the back it says, la reina de los pedos, which means the queen of the farts.


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[Assistant] The dead person mug is one that has been forbidden to show, uh, the audience.


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[Assistant] It's in our house and I sent it to her too. So my mother passed out on our couch.


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[Assistant] And then we drink out of it and we send it to her and she was like, you know that it looks like I am a corpse. And I was like, yeah, that's the whole fun part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, hey. Good, good. Hey, uhm, by chance, is mom near you by any chance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just see if she'll say anything. Okay, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the mug of coffee, the coffee mug that has your picture where it looks like you're dead?