[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gotta be good people, people that you want to work with every day, you know? I don't want to work anywhere where you walk in and you're like, oh, that fucking, like when you're at so many jobs that we've had, you know, where you're like, that guy's a dick or I don't like this person's energy. Like we don't have that here, which is the best part of working here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We discovered this, uhm, just by having our lunches together in the lobby, that Nadav can tell who took a shit just by the collateral damage in the toilet and afterwards. And you're like, oh, you nail it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we were in the lobby, and uhm, I was like, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom. You're like, oh, uh, Chris is in there, uh, he's been in there, he's taking a shit. And I go, okay, and you go, yeah, there'll be some streaks on the bottom of the toilet. And I go, what? And you're like, there'll be a couple streaks. And I'm like, how do you know that? And then I went in there, and there were streaks.


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[Assistant] And we are back with another member of Studio Jeans, the team here, our latest and greatest hire, newest addition, the great and powerful Lindsay.


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[Assistant] Hi Lindsay. It was actually uhm, one thing we didn't, we haven't talked about is how we ended up meeting and it was because I actually tried to hire a friend of yours.


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[Assistant] And I didn't realize that. You're the one that pointed it out to me later. Sometimes we're doing things and Lindsay will go, do you think she would have done this? And I'll be like, oh, I didn't think about that.


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[Assistant] But there's definitely, there is a darkness inside. I see it. Yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. That's why it works.


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[Assistant] Yes! Oh my god. So let's talk about, okay, so we bring you in and we're definitely clicking and working together and one of the main, you know, things we tell you is like we're doing these live shows and we need to shoot extra content, right? So the first thing is that, well I guess the first thing is that I gave you a script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We rewrote the, the, the violence. If you watched YMH Live number two, you saw the sketch. It was, it was the, the, one of the Darman sketches. The final one. The final one.


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[Assistant] And the best part is that we were able to, we found, uh, yeah, Christina, uh, you, you found another actress to play the other part. A friend. A friend.


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[Assistant] And then we needed somebody to be, uh, a real creeper and you're like, I'll do it.


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[Assistant] Well, there was a slave in the living room. What? Yeah, she had her, you know, Dom's have slaves. Yeah. So she was like, hey, go fucking do this. And he was like, okay. Give me Starbucks. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well the funny thing is, you know, Burt was like so vocal, he was like, whatever happens to me...


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[Assistant] You've, uh, also been with me for all the car videos, which, uh, by the way, I got hit up by, uh, a new one today. I'll tell you about another partnership. But then I, like, you know that I, I just love cars. And so like one of the first things we did was actually the very first.


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[Assistant] We've continued to put those out and we recently put out one in the McLaren 765LT.


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[Assistant] Cause it was, we were, we got up early and we went to the south bay. So we were, there's a couple of stretches on the 110. It's real straight, straight, but.


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[Assistant] For a moment, and then I was like, this is dangerous, Lindsay. And I slowed down. It was really quick though. Literally.


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[Assistant] And guess what? McLaren's sending me another one. Oh boy.


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[Assistant] They let me up for what I wore, they let me up, they let me up for, you put me on the wrong, they're like, that's the wrong bike for you to start. I was like, okay.


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[Assistant] No, but we really are happy to have you man, and I'm excited to be working with you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though you got a chick's name. I'll tell you this, I'll go ahead and tease it now. There's some stuff coming down the pipeline that isn't heavy or hardcore that we're going to put out too. That's exciting. That's really exciting.


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[Assistant] And we are back with the moral compass of YMH Studios, the only decent person on staff


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[Assistant] He is a gem, a delight to be around, very talented, very smart, very sweet. Mr. Chris, how are you, sir? Hi, how are you guys? Very well. Uh, I know you are reluctant to be on camera, but thank you for, you know, giving us a few moments here.


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[Assistant] Wow. Look at that mane. Something's gonna happen after this episode. And that is that people are gonna go, oh, you mean we can make more than just Josh come?


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[Assistant] Through your cousin, Brian. Through my cousin Brian, who you remind me of.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I could have told you that. So uhm, has, I know that you've bumped up some of the things you've seen working here.


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[Assistant] Are there things that like stand out to you from the year where you're like, oh god.


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[Assistant] Now I'm not really interested in it at all. Now you know, now you know like the ingredients to the pie. You know what I mean? Like you know the recipe.


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[Assistant] We will a lot of times eat together and everybody will chime in with something derogatory, offensive, insensitive, and like, it'll come to the point where I'll realize everyone has done that but you.


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[Assistant] We'll be sitting there just kind of like, kind of nodding and eating and sometimes, you know, see, I'll read the emotion on you, but you don't, you don't really partake in that stuff.


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[Assistant] But has, okay, has this environment grown on you at all? Like do you enjoy coming to work? Of course, yea yea.


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[Assistant] You thought, I think you, the only time you told me this was something that was really funny was when I showed you this clip. And you were like, dude. Didn't say that. Huh? God dammit.


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[Assistant] Just can't use his legs, that's all. That guy jogged that day. He jogged home. He did not jog home. He did. He's totally okay.


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[Assistant] I know, but there are beautiful women, amazingly, who watch this show, and who are watching this right now, and who are like, who is this guy whose hair I want to cut off in his sleep and tape to my own head?


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[Assistant] Short hair. Yeah, that picture is probably nine years old. So, at C-E-E underscore L-A-R-S. Those DMs are open. Show them your box. Slide in there. Let them know what you got. Yeah. So many. You're gonna have a nice New Year's surprise, my friend. Oh boy.


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[Assistant] Chris, it is an absolute pleasure and a joy to have you here. It really is. It really is. It really is. You're fantastic. You work really hard. We would not be able to get done all the things we get to do without you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for being a part of everything we do here. I'm proud to be a part of it. In a weird, twisted way.


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[Assistant] And we are back with yet another member of the team. You guys know him very well. You of course are familiar with the Josh Potter show, formerly the Roach Motel. Give it up for our very own Josh Potter.


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[Assistant] I remember we've had a number of conversations throughout the year. Uh, cause we, we got to do our, we did the Vegas stuff together.


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[Assistant] Well, coming back from that, it was like, how does it get better than this? Yeaah. Like, we're in Vegas, doing these, like the beautiful Mirage, the Terry Fador Theater there. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] And I've seen also a little spring in your step. I mean, you're just, you know, I think you're- You mean since when? Since like the, I would say like the, the real deep dark period was probably midsummer. Yes. Right? When you realize that this thing is like not self-correcting, but you got to do some stand-up. You did, you know, had some fun. And you came.


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[Assistant] But on the show, you also had an epic year because you began the year as a proud


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, advocate and member of the sex worker community. Yes. You were doing shoulder hair and foot porn videos. Right. Uhm, then that progressed, uhm, uh, what a lot of people were blown away with is that we were so impressed with Norm Summerton's tit cups that you got, you wore tit cups.


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[Assistant] And you put it on your cheek and I could see your skin.


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[Assistant] And you, here's the thing, with the bullshit ones, you're like, yeaah, you know, it is what it is, but when we got you the, when we got the real ones, you said that the sucking power is incredible. It very much hurt.


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[Assistant] I wonder if you could bring over a nice lady and have some fun with them.


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[Assistant] But I bet if you brought them up, they'd be like, hm, I wonder if my tits could fill those.


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[Assistant] Uhm, also speaking of putting it on display, we had a YMH original that was cleaning your place. How good did that feel?


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[Assistant] Well the darkness was the filth before. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] You're gonna see, you're gonna, you're gonna have a pop of a year here in 2021.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but if their dicks were flapping around jumping and with your dick flapping, it would always be hitting people.


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[Assistant] Nudies. I like that. I really like that. Um, Josh, you're always, you know, your family here. We're so happy that you're doing Josh Potter show. So yeah, man, we're very excited. Very excited.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Happy New Year. Thank you.


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[Assistant] One J's not enough, we like to have em everywhere. So, we brought on the sweetest, youngest, hardest working adult child that we know. Our own very baby Zoey.


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[Assistant] Yeah, way, way, as we like to call you, better Nadav.


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[Assistant] Oh, it wasn't like, yo man, I'll do whatever, hook it up! Like that?


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[Assistant] Ever since, like, you were here in the transformation from, like, regular YMH into some of the heavier stuff. Some of the heavier stuff we used to run into, like, once every four or five months. And then we kinda got into a real heavy phase for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my favorite things, like, when it used to just be Nadav, is he would be like, this was really hard to work on, man. Or like, you know, he'd be like, yea, that clip made me throw up or something. And then when you, when he was like, wow, this kid is like, he's proficient, he's smart, he goes, one of the great things is that I don't have to look at those things now, I just give them to Zolo.


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[Assistant] And then you developed a system where you would put post-it notes on the monitor. So you'd only have to look for a second and then you would cover it.


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[Assistant] Can I confess to you something? Yeah. That's 100% true? Mhm. I, once the pro lap started, I've never watched this clip in full. Really? Yeah, yeah, I didn't want to.


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[Assistant] No, I don't like the visual of the prolapsed anuses. Like, I literally, when I saw it happen, away, and I've listened, but I won't watch.


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[Assistant] Nobody, none of your classmates have a similar job.


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[Assistant] But at 21 I, no, I was, I was a junior. I guess I graduated at 22. Right? That's what you'll, yeah.


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[Assistant] No, it's nice to have, you know, a good person on staff.


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[Assistant] There was a moment before this segment started where I farted and everybody knew that it was a fart that means you got a shit. Yeah. And that's where we're at.


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[Assistant] We are back and this is our final, uh, member of the staff, our technical director, our know-it-all, the man who manages all the technical stuff for the live shows, uh, the cameras, the boards, he does it all, the one and only,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I've switched it up, this year we started to dress up nicely for show day. Uhm, you know, Zolo has, like, nice style.


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[Assistant] You know, kind of look. Yeah, Potter, and then Chris is like, you know, like, Sage bro, you gotta burn it. And then, and he's like, pow.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but there's this thing where it's like, like, not to, like if any of the guys were like, I'm gonna put on a Tommy Bahama shirt, you just go like, oh, like you look kinda like a dork. You know? And then if you put it on, you'd be like, oh, we're in Tommy Bahama. I get it.


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[Assistant] That's kind of the best philosophy, I think, for fashion, right? Like, wear it.


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[Assistant] Dude, it's notable how amped up you are on live nights. He gets so excited. Yea, you get juiced. Before you're like pacing, I can tell you're like thinking and stuff, but afterwards you're like


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[Assistant] Is that him? Oh, that probably, that could have been him. That could have been him. That could have been him. Bald guy? Yeah.


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[Assistant] It feels old, but 30 felt more of like a, I don't know why, like an event. Yeaah. Like a change than 40. Same. When I turned 30, I remember like all the, all throughout the 20s I was like, hmm, 29, turning 30, then you're like, oh, I don't know, for me I was like, oh, I'm 30, like,


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[Assistant] That, that is, that in a weird way marks official adulthood. Like you're, obviously you're an adult like technically at 18, but I feel like,


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[Assistant] You're 20's, you're figuring stuff out. You turn 30, it's like, there are no excuses. You don't have an excuse if you're 30 and you're like, whatever. You know what I mean? So it's like, it's a fi- and then you turn 40, you're just like, oh.


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[Assistant] I kinda didn't remember it and then I was asking Nadav, hey what does any hate? And he was like, he definitely didn't like that clip of the condom being slingshotted into the woman's throat.


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[Assistant] Now you got your laugh track, and like, you think that a podcast has a, huh?


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[Assistant] You do go through cycles. I mean, there's jokes that like hit for a month or two and then they kinda, you know, and maybe the heavy clips are coming to an end. I don't know.


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[Assistant] It's rough. Yeah, that ruined a lot of people's day. And, uh...


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[Assistant] I'm pretty weak. Yeah, I think I did, I don't know, like, just now? No, well now for sure, but I did, I would guess 90 dumps or something like that, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, at least. No way. You said 90? Well, yeah, colonoscopy. Yeah, so that I had even. But I mean, certain days three, sometimes four times a day, but sometimes two, never less than two. Never less than two. Most days three.


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[Assistant] I feel like you would actually physically and emotionally feel better. Like you're unaware.


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[Assistant] Of the feeling that you would feel because you haven't regularly done it. That you will feel lighter and just healthier and just overall, you know, cause most people go every day.


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[Assistant] And the guy is making it happen, so yeaah. He definitely just finished.


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[Assistant] Eddie was one of the, uh, most vocal, uh, people during the SUWU time to be like, you gotta start with SUWU.


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[Assistant] You know, that's how, that's, comedy comes from the idea that uh, this will be good, this will be funny, I'm not gonna think, and then sometimes you go like, holy shit that was a home run, and then sometimes you're like, yeah that wasn't a good idea.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but look, this is the most fun doing this show. We've always said that like, you know, love doing stand-up. It is definitely my passion, my identity, I'm he, him comic.


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[Assistant] Doing this podcast has become just, I don't know, it's such a part of our life now. It feels like, it feels like, you know, it's like getting together with family or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Uhm, and uh, New Year's, if you're listening when this comes out, New Year's is tomorrow. Uhm, so, we're doing Two Bears Live.


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[Assistant] Smart. I'd like to ride. Smart. Uhm, but yeaah. It's a great year. We love you guys. Thank you for watching. Thank you everybody here for being a part of it. Uh, thank you for listening. Gene?


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[Assistant] Let's go out on one of my favorite songs of the year, Featherin' It by Hen Dog. This thing fuckin' slaps. Uh, we'll see you guys in the new year.


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[Assistant] I think, suppose if I talk like this, and I moved to Australia, nobody would recognize that I don't really talk like this? Hmm.


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[Assistant] Like I, a new reality that's higher, that's above other people. Totally.


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[Assistant] It is exciting. I have to tell you, I am excited about it. You should.


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[Assistant] I, uh, it's like half foundational standby pieces, you know, that I can count on. And then with the real stuff that just happened to me, like about my neighbor and the pandemic, my dating pandemic. That's exciting. Dating. Let's talk about that.


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[Assistant] Almost 10 years. My divorce started when my husband left me. Uhm, he was so quiet that I didn't notice that he left.


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[Assistant] And then I'm so spaced out, I forgot that I'm the one that told him to get the F out.


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[Assistant] And it took me a while to notice, I just kept passing the bathroom and I was like, something's different. And then I realized one of the electric toothbrushes was gone. He was just gone. That was him.


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[Assistant] That's a good one. No, I'm very proud of us, cause, uh, we didn't know each other very well when we got married, so we did a good job.


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[Assistant] It's so freaking cool. Tell me about it. First of all, I went on, someone talked me into, of course, going on Raya. That's a celebrity.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you how long it took for them to get back to me. Well that's insulting.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry, what? Like number one insulting number two, like I'm in a tender position.


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[Assistant] You're gonna make me wait to see if you can let me pay you to help you find- help me- I-


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[Assistant] Well, first of all, my photos were really sad, even though I'm an international superstar. I just took the shots in my kitchen, you know, with the same shirt, like this androgynous, like 49 year old, like just light from the window.


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[Assistant] You know, I'm like, I got Anne Rand in my, I got some David Foster Wallace I'll never read, but.


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[Assistant] I couldn't be, and other people, they put music to it, their photos are gorgeous, they're just


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[Assistant] Well, that's what I was gonna say is like the first couple rounds I'm like come on let's get to the reason why we're here and then they wait until the third or fourth round and then they roll it out and it's like Owen Wilson. I know right?


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[Assistant] If I could find him in the 90s in the alley.


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[Assistant] They click on this and they're like, who's that lady trying to act like she's indifferent?


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[Assistant] Anybody initiate? I think either one can say hi. Yea, cause that's why I got off, cause nobody said hi to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had one guy, I had one guy, that's not true. Was he super famous? He was actually really cute and really nice, but he's in IT. I had one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, phone conversation with him. I know, right away, IT. Hmm. I know. They're usually awkward. And he talked. It was refreshing because he talked and he was friendly and uh, self aware. But like, I couldn't, it was like too much information.


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[Assistant] Just too much, too many words. Too fast. Too fast. And I was like, slow down, man. I'm just like. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Honestly, at the very first seconds, I thought he was slow and that it was self-soothing. And then at the four or five second mark, it became sex you all.


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[Assistant] I have a problem, which is two things. One, I could almost see myself loving


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[Assistant] Pumping a pillow and the cameraman was behind me near my butt crack and he was like, can you pull your pants down a little to like get a funny


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[Assistant] Somewhat ass shot, cause Gail is like, she's looking for pot nubs in the carpet and she's humping a pillow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was the closest in my mind. I got to like the beginning when you see him and it's just that uh, uh, like that kinda glazed over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need some extra cash. For $40 a pop, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pantios! That's a great idea. You can also sell your urine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your saliva? No, not the urine. Why was I like, okay panties, but urine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can get the panty pack from, uh, you know, like a Hanes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that really John McAdams? Yea. I like how he did a slate at the end. Yea, he did. Based in Los Angeles. Mary Lynn Rice Cub. 5'6", based in Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, yes. You do. He is famous. Yes.


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[Assistant] That's why he knows the suspense of that unleasing, you know? He knows to show the world. He knows to say hello to other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right when he gets his numbers. For his company. What the, uh, earnings are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that puts a pressure on me to be more regular.


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[Assistant] I gotta get more greens in the diet. That's right.


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[Assistant] I never think about that. Now you are. I don't think about that. Now I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, not a bad way to be. I did date a guy with a foot, and he did like it when my feet were dirty. Nice. And I let him go for it. Yeah, why not? That's harmless. It is harmless, and also, honestly, it feels good. The foot, it sends you all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I was surprised at how it's kind of like, oh, the back of your knee or somewhere that you discover is like more sensitive than you thought. Yeah. And it was like good for you getting off down there. There you go. On your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will put that on my Wikipedia for sure.


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[Assistant] I will not do it. You will not do it. Again. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want more? Why is he like obviously... Oh, it's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was wondering if there were points where that was his weird attempt at humor or like he's trying to be cool. He thinks he's like being easygoing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll go global and say the world we live in may be videos like this, like he feels like that's what you have to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a good segway into my, I don't know if I'm gonna get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna, I kinda wanna tell you about two COVID dates I went on. One was at a laundromat and it was a black man in a really nice car. The second one was like a friend of a friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny. Humble. No. White. First one black, second one white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overall, as a general, I realized it should have started as text. It should have went to phone call. It should have went to freaking goddamn Zoom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was talking to my friend about this and she goes, you know what I admire that you just kind of went for it. I was like, I don't, like that's how I've lived my life is just throwing myself into stuff. Like I don't have the time to, I mean I do have new comedy bits from throwing myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feet up on the thing. The first one, I was at a laundromat. It was a hundred degrees out. I got my, uh, expensive, you know, leggings on. Hawaiian print. I mentioned this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Important detail. That's what I think it was, cause I had a mask on, I had no makeup on, I was at the laundromat, like not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he drove his car by and said, hi. And I was like, hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he would still be black. That's not gonna change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't like dipshit right out of the- that's my problem though, I have a double personality because I'm like, make myself open to it and then it's not til later that my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe I just am so impressed that I'm getting attention or something. You know what I mean? Like he pulled up, he started talking and he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was part of his pickup line. I'm telling you this, I noticed, cause I was talking to him in the parking lot, his car is nice, he is not, he's good looking, he looks responsible, clean, well spoken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said he was at the Ralphs and he goes, I got my DMB, you can, uh, register your car at the Ralphs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he says also that he's retired military. And so I was like, I likey. Thank you. And then in a final.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Move, which I kind of liked, but I also was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And you had seen his face, he wasn't wearing a mask? Yes, cause he was in his car. He rolled the window down and we're standing apart. And I kind of laughed and then I fucking did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And was, I was like, I'm alive again. I'm a woman. This man wants me. No makeup.


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[Assistant] Like nothing. I think I indicated like nothing. And then he was like...


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[Assistant] Whatever, right out of the bat, off the bat, there's, there's a, so I wanted to have tea with him at a Starbucks outside. That's a nice COVID date, right? Sure, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, it's fine. He's fine. He's a lovely guy, but he- I'm not- there's no big buildup to like- well okay, so he-


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[Assistant] We're talking, he's like showing me pictures of his kids, he's like, do you like red wine? Do you like Italian food? He's making plans for


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[Assistant] What's the other one that he could say? Tell me a joke. Yes. And he used to be like promote comedy rooms so he has like an in. Tell me a joke.


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[Assistant] And I go, yeah, I tried that a couple times, haha. Don't, no, go on, tell me a joke. He thinks he's gonna bring me out of my shell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like tell me something funny. And I finally, I was like, it doesn't work like that. I go, uh, the more you ask me that, the more unnatural it gets. That there's nothing funny about that. And I said, I don't really need you to like help me be funny. That's just, that's not really how funny works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, okay, well, uh, you know, now we have like a little rift, but then...


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[Assistant] And in my mind, I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Like clearly this is done. But in his mind, he's like, we're married. And so he keeps on with the, you know, do you want to do this? I'm really looking for a commitment. I don't want to be messing around.


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[Assistant] Yes. It's almost as if it didn't matter what kind of person I was. It didn't matter to get to know me. I just was like, good enough. He sensed that I was like,


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[Assistant] And then when we might, but I have to tell you, physically like I was attracted to him, he was an attractive man, so we go to leave and he's like trying to, and this is like,


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[Assistant] I have, I have issues of I would rather


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[Assistant] I'll act it out until it's over. So we didn't like kiss or anything like that, but it was like a physical, you know what I mean? You just banged in the parking lot? Real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to touch my, like, waist, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And then I went ahahaha and like pulled away. Oh really? I'm like reaching for my car door and he's like trying to let it linger as if we have like some magic going on. And he's like, you have so many walls up. Oh boy. And then I finally was like, I like my walls. Goodbye.


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[Assistant] Ugh, that would be a good tension builder. See you there and I'm not gonna talk to you.


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[Assistant] No, I think I just said I don't have the time.


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[Assistant] I, uh, I feel like I was tricked, cause it obviously is the word one.


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[Assistant] I feel like I just entered another, like I, a new reality that's higher, that's above other people. Totally.


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[Assistant] God, I like his tone too. You might not like it if you see him.


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[Assistant] Pre- I'm spilling it all. Pre my two dates, the other one that I didn't tell you about yet, I kind of re-


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[Assistant] It was like a mashup of both sensations of mentally, emotionally, and then like, oh, this is what it was like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I couldn't fully take it there.


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[Assistant] And I'm wondering if I am just shut down.


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[Assistant] Am I gonna, eh, I won. Listen, after I got the- I'm a warner.


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[Assistant] You're like Kevin Hart, you're like, broke my back, big whoop.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we only live once, like that would be the first go-to.


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[Assistant] But you also have to factor in that I don't want to do stuff ever.


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[Assistant] Like I don't, I don't, I don't want to do things.


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[Assistant] It's not, like I have enough freelance creative jobs for my own fun. This is not for free. You're gonna get paid. Fuckin real money. Thank you. Thank you. I'm in.


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[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you for that. It's a great tweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to have a partner. I'd like to have a life partner. Eventually, right? You should take a, yeah, you need a breather, right? Gosh. Yeah. I know, I went into like a weird COVID. I mean, they were all, you know, outdoor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Cause I was like, let me get with somebody more in my genre. This will be easier.


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[Assistant] No, I met him, we were doing an outdoor sketch, like for a friend, and I thought, I like his vibe, and I've never done this before. I said,


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[Assistant] He ignored me, and I was like, oh, he's into me. That must mean he's into me if he ignores me. And then I was like, I just saw the social dilemma, so I thought...


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[Assistant] Well, I'm trying to stay off my phone too. He's a genius. He has better things to do than be on his phone, right? He's gonna be my next husband. Uhm, he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is what I'm doing. I'm giving him leeway. Well first I like it. I go, oh, great idea.


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[Assistant] He's gonna bring fancy salads. I love it. I get there. Uh, the date's at 3. I'm pulling into the parking lot to the park at 3 on the dot. Texts me at 3.


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[Assistant] The date has already started, so you, if you're gonna be late, you gotta tell somebody.


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[Assistant] A single cooler, like a over the shoulder, little mini cooler, I was like, oh, intriguing. Again, not a red flag, but I was like, it's interesting.


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[Assistant] What have you gotten there? We walk around, we're walking on a very, uh, low grade and he's limping, he's like, oh I have a,


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[Assistant] He goes, yeah, I'm in a lot of pain. I've been icing it and heating it. And I was like, oh my gosh. He goes, yeah, I'm waiting. I have a doctor friend who says the technology will be better in 10 years for this. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with this guy, so I'm, I'm feeling very protective of him, make sure he's okay, and then we go to sit down, no blanket, it's blasting sun, there's nowhere to sit. Oh, and then I, in my prep for the date, I was like, I'm gonna, what should I bring? You know, I'm getting pumped, and I'm, and then I go, don't bring a blanket, don't over...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watermelon, you can't go wrong with some fruit. We get there, we're sitting, uh, under a tree on some dirt with the knobby roots. And I'm like, okay, I am a fully grown woman, but you know, hey, it takes me back. We're creative, we're fun, we're artists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pulling out my items and I see he's like, it's not really registering with him, like how great my items are.


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[Assistant] He opens up his pack, out comes one Diet Coke, one water. I was like...


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[Assistant] So one of us gets cancer, one of us hydrates. Okay, got it. Then pulls out a subway.


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[Assistant] Anne says the reason why he was late is because there's lines at the grocery store.


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[Assistant] Now this is where I'm like a double personality, because in the moment I'm like, ha ha ha ha, like it's funny.


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[Assistant] Why do you say this time if you're not going to be here at that time? And then, but during I was like, you know, getting through it and, and again, I make it like it's this great day and it's this wonderful, like I don't want him to fucking feel bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I gotta act like I'm having the time of my life, like maybe the story is I'm an asshole. Then I wake up that night at two in the morning and I was like, like rage train, just remembering not only did he bring subway sandwich, one sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know he didn't go like, hey, light mayo. Cause you know they're back there. Like, think of a lady.


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[Assistant] And I went along with it, because I'm an asshole. Then later I was like, hey, I rethought this. I didn't say any of this stuff that I was thinking. That's what I think I have.


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[Assistant] Issues. Why don't I just say in the moment? Why don't I just say?


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[Assistant] In the heat? Can't really say. Jesus. What do you mean you can't say? You fucked him? Real quick, in the bathroom at the park. At the park.


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[Assistant] Well, it was that thing of where you're, he's still in the energy of it. So he keeps texting, like kind of wanting to talk about it. So I had to keep like shutting it down. And I never came out and said, you fucking brought one sandwich. Um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so interesting is I want to say this story in my stand up and the crescendo is like, I'm a queen, bring me all this stuff. And you guys, I'll have the tiniest, momiest, tiny, uh, mom shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not a bad guy, it's uhm, somebody who... She's coming, she's coming.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've knocked my court out like three times. Uh, who... It's like Dopey, thank you. My darling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't, doesn't know to do better, but for me where I'm at in my life, and that reflects back to I'm with the backpack, like, you wanna, like, I don't know who I am now, because I used to be just like, I don't know, I don't, you know, I didn't, I was like socially awkward, how do I now be, and clearly I'm not doing well with it.


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[Assistant] There was some laughter, but then some of the, yeah, we had a pretty good time.


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[Assistant] I guess I kind of was attracted in the moment because I was telling myself to be and then


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[Assistant] But it really, even the types of jokes, I couldn't like hang with it just cause I'm in a different place in my life. Gotcha. So I wasn't, uh,


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[Assistant] I don't know. I'm like a mature, I am like a fully formed, professional, badass, do everything all the time. And it's a big deal.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Like I'm kind of a big dill. Yeah. And I can't, I can't reach her, I can't have a child that I need to, I need somebody that can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So that was, that's probably it in a nutshell. Like enjoyable in some ways, but ultimately not grown up enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the little hint of like, oh, there's lines at the grocery store, like, have you not gone to the actual store during this whole pandemic?


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's tell with a big imagination projecting where the relationship's gonna go. Nourishment.


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[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes, that's what it is.


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[Assistant] I want to put a judgment, which I am, but it's because it's a reflection of your mental, emotional. I agree. What about, I want to dip back into the Trader Joe's. When I went to that laundromat, I had another laundromat in Van Nuys. I really am into laundromats. When I stayed at the Airbnb, I was by a Vallarta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thought. One sandwich, one chip, one cookie. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Is he married? Yes. Oh, what's the wife like?


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[Assistant] Every time you say it'll be a cool guy, I'll make you come. It's underneath that.


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[Assistant] I wish for both of them, from your lips to God's ears, to my vagina. Let's put a trifecta. It's perfect.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, cause I was saying that's where we started, full circle of like...


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[Assistant] Some stuff I knew so well from the club, so I would just pace and then some stuff was like fresh. It's awesome. You know what I mean? This was just me, the washer, dryer, the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and it also accentuates my weirdness.


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[Assistant] Which, you know, the first time I watched it without the score, I was like, yeah, that's my style of stand-up. I like it. And then he put the score in and I was like, whoa, like it really takes it to a new, cause it accentuates the way that I talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plays throughout. I love it. Yeah, but comes in and out. It's like, it's kind of reactive, but he's really good at that cause he, that's what he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm ready for it now. One tiny shot. I mean, that's really good. Yeah, it is really good. Jesus.


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[Assistant] Because my whole entire wardrobe involves work shirts, work pants, and military issued steel-toed boots.


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[Assistant] Try it on in your dress! Like this color of a dress! ENOUGH!


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[Assistant] Let me tell you something. He would round up, okay? The gypsy. The Jews.


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[Assistant] Look at what the verse says there. Let your women keep silence in the churches. That just means that they're not allowed to talk. They can scream if they want to, but they're just not supposed to talk. Silence means silence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm a modern, empowered woman. I'm just as good as a man. I can do anything that a man can do. I am better than a man in some ways, and whatever, I will not submit myself to such chauvinistic-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm a Christian feminist. I've actually heard that. I'm a Christian feminist. No, you're lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her next to 2 Corinthians chapter 7. There's no such thing as a Christian feminist.


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[Assistant] I don't care what laws are passed. Well, today is election day, selection day. Well, who's going to win? Biden or Trump? Who's going to be in? I don't care. It doesn't matter to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Because my, my, uh, rules, my orders remain the same no matter who gets in.


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[Assistant] Well, Joe Biden's gonna come in and he's gonna bring in liberal communism.


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[Assistant] Then I'll disobey it. Why? Because if I obey them, I'm not obeying the Bible.


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[Assistant] Well they're gonna lock down the country again. You're not gonna be able to drive on the road. Sorry, not happening. I didn't obey it the first time, I'm not gonna obey it this time. If I need to get out there and get food for my family, I'm gonna get out and I'm gonna get food for my family. Period.


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[Assistant] There's a sign, there's the military, they're coming around door to door. Sorry.


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[Assistant] I'll obey God rather than men. I'm gonna come to the front door with my sword in my hand and say, I'm obeying God and not you. I'm not going to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life of the flesh is in the blood. I'm not gonna let you put things that are gonna get into my bloodstream that are poisonous. You won't kill me. You won't kill my wife. You won't kill my son. Not happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care! Yeah. Well sir, you're violating some things by saying what you're saying on YouTube right now. Fine! Then shut me down and let God destroy your home! May the wrath of God fall upon you! Uh oh, wait a minute. I'll obey God!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've just never been on board with it. I felt like at one point in my life that you turn a certain age, and that's when the foot switch goes off, like golfers and shit. Golfers? Yeah, like dads go golfing. They're like, oh man, look at those feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, it grows. It's eventually your tolerance.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I felt great. You were- Woah, don't kill me! How high were you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do two, my problem with it right now is that they put the gummies in like 10mg each or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So to eat like 200, I have to eat like 20 gummies. Yea, just get a stronger dosage. Well you can't, cause like the legal, like there are places where it's like, we're a church, we're not a dispensary, and then there, you can go get a gummy that's strictly 200mg, but they've regulated it now, so low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been in the, in the, uhm. Legit dispensaries? Yea, that have strong stuff, yea. Really? Yea. Cause they've told me, they're like, oh we have to get em, and they have to increment them, and I hate that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to go, I have to go in the hundreds to make that happen.


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[Assistant] I'll be like normal high. I probably I'll still rip. I mean like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when we were in Vegas, the night we were in Vegas, you gave me what? 50 milligrams and then we also smoked like a blunt and then we were drinking and you were like, you don't feel that at all. I'm like, not really. We were doing all their stuff too. I don't know. It's like, I'm dead inside my body. I don't know how that happens. I don't have any feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At all? Like, I mean I do, like I have a lot of feelings, but it's not like, I like, need it to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take me someplace. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, get me out of my own head. I wanna be so far out of my own head I'm on Mars. You know what I mean? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, me too, but after time, when you try to see the devil as many times, like, I remember when I used to do shows with Joey Diaz, like, back in the day, I don't know, 2013 or something like that, and he'd have those stars. Man, they were fun. Those were the shit. And I think that's why he, like, kept me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like working a couple times down the road, cause I was like not a little bitch on those stalkers. And jumping in on them, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There have been times I've gone too deep in edibles where I'm like sweating profusely and I have to like lay down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Profusiously, yes. And then I have to lay down and let the air conditioning bring me back to life for a second. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, some, I mean, honestly, God, it depends on also like what you've eaten and stuff like that. Like if you have an empty stomach and you do 200 milligrams, like I used to have this, I used to have this like, uh, underground sort of dispensary near my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I would walk home from open mics to, like an on the way home, I would pass it and I would always buy a 200 milligram gummy for the walk home just so I could float home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, it would, I would become a race, like, if I could get home before the gummy kills me. Kinda thing. Like, and sometimes I wouldn't make it. Like, I'd be almost home, it'd be a really hot day, and by the end of it I'm crawling up to my porch. You know what I'm saying? Like, I would be fucked up. But it was worth the fun, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean it becomes as you try to get that way more and more, it becomes more, you can't do 200mg a day and then like try and function, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the more and more you go, I mean like, when we were hanging out, I was able to play video games and shit like that, like in the arcade or whatever, so. Yeah. You know, I could do those things, and not like, I'm not like, oh man, I gotta like, I dunno. I gotta like, I dunno what would happen to you if you took 150 milligrams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't get freaked out by drugs, cause I always go like, it's the drug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, persuasion, and this is just a theory I have, cause I've, through talking to some people, is if you've done acid first, you don't like mushrooms, and if you've done mushrooms first, you don't like acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I wanna know what that feels like, that sounds scary, and I wanna know what that's like, and I did it, and I really, all it was was like smoking weed for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if that was 9- after 9-11, a Marshal would have like put a bullet in the back of something. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to do that. I don't wanna, I don't know if I demand it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would really, I don't really like demanding things like that. I would prefer they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've had nice ladies do it before. I have a couple, I cannot believe it. I am blessed with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, the first lady, uh, did, uh, put me, like she was changing my dye dye, up in the air, legs, and, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she did say something to me. I'll tell you this. This I don't talk about on stage or anything like that, but there was an aspect of it where she did throw it out there. And you thought she's just talking tales out of school or whatever, you know? Talking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought like, let's give, maybe shoot. Wait, have you had a threesome? No, and it's my fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White whale. I'm dying over here. Listen, are you guys out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I've- it's gotten bad because I started- Maybe it takes two at one. I started fan- like, in recent sex, uh, experiences, I've started fantasizing that another woman was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. We should, I mean, wouldn't it be an honor if we did like a YMH Jeopardy? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was an open mic I used to go to where you'd have to get there early to sign up, and I would get there, you know, early to sign up, and I'd watch Jeopardy every time, cause it would be on the TV at the bar. So I would like, see how many I can get, you know, in my brain. And? I would be alright. Not, I wouldn't win, but I would be like, I wonder how much money I could win on Jeopardy. Yea, but you have, I'll have to say this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be something I'm not well informed about, and they'll love to tell me about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know from the hook, but I don't know, I've never listened to reggae. It's not reggae.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of a good, of a song that just, I mean, that one's pretty bad. The one that the guy got annoyed about. Sweet Caroline, like, if you're a cover band, like, come on. That's so gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love some Journey songs, but that one is like, come on, you had to put that on, and then every girl in the bar is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you're right, cause I've been to weddings where they're like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's some bad ones. Wedding songs, pretty much wedding songs from like 1990 to 2005. Like if you went to a wedding in that period, you heard all the dog shit. Like, cha-cha slide, the fucking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I feel like dumb songs are made to be completely dumb and they become popular ironically. Yea, yea. Do you know what I mean? Do you remember when music, I was thinking about this, do you remember when music used to be scary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like now I feel like the world is so scary. I don't think music is a- That's true. Like now if you heard like Marilyn Manson, you'd be- no one's gonna be like, oh my god, that's the problem, that's why all that music has gone by the wayside. Well everything with music-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. But if you listen to them now and like, if you, if they create new music that way, nothing would like, make these children go like, oh my god that's scary. Do you know what I mean? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like watching cover band shit at all. Cover bands make me annoyed too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you kidding me? Like, it's annoying that they can just get paid to play other people's music. It's like, oh, you learn that guy's music by heart? Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I mean, I'm usually too drugged up to be affected by turbulence. Like I had a flight to Phoenix one time where a bird collided into the windshield of the plane and broke the windshield. I didn't know this until we landed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it hit the point, we dropped to the point where the drink cart hit the ceiling. And I was like, this and this, see, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a woman of the same persuasion next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, one time we, I think we were doing shows at Magoobies, I accidentally, and I was scheduling my own travel, and I scheduled myself to fly into DC instead of Baltimore, thinking it was the same, I don't know why. Uhm, I thought DC was like attached to Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I took an Uber from the airport to the hotel. And so I get off the plane. I'm still Xanadu'd out of my head. The flight was like an hour from Buffalo to DC, you know, nothing big. I didn't even know why I did that. And I get in the Uber and I pass out and the guy like wakes me up. He's like, we're at your hotel. Like I felt like instantaneously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then on the way back, I go, oh yea, I don't remember how long I was in that Uber for. And then I looked at it, turns out it's like a fucking half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be upset. Is that, that looks like a woman's legs and stuff, right? I guess so, yea, they're very hairless, it could just be a boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it is a woman, like I said, bad. But I've heard women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who knows if she's one of these workout people who's doing the proteins and the greens. She's been brewing that one up for a while. Just the way the intestines are. At my show, we have listeners submitting queefs. You just did it. You're going to be on an episode that comes out today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Queefs are different, yeaah. Queefs are different, but a couple submissions of the queefs, they showed video of how they make themselves queef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the one woman in it accidentally farted a couple times too, so, and they were fucking, I had to make sure, I had to go through the audio and be like, is that a fart or a queef? To verify, and it was fucking meaty, like that shit. Yeah, healthy girls can fart like that, and it's scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now when you're talking about the sound of a fart, you're discussing the looseness of it, wouldn't that be more of a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to be, I'd love to party with Hunter Biden. That's the thing, it's like, like Trump's kids never did blow. I mean, come on, give me a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not selling the blur, I'm saying that they sold it to one person for a lump sum of money, that person blurred it, the other people picked up that video. I gotcha. The original, he wouldn't sell that to multiple, it would ruin his deal. So that's why there's no blur, there's no non-blurred one, because he's the only one at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really, I agree, I just want to get a good idea of what kind of piece our new president


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's where we go. I've never understood the foot thing. Why? I've just never been on board with it. I felt like at one point in my life that you turn a certain age and that's when the foot switch goes off or maybe certain people are willing to let their freak flag fly more in a later age. But I always associated with like older douchebag men that like feet stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But nowadays it's all blurred, but I'm saying like back in the day, you know, when I was coming up, I just never heard anyone my age talk about feet sexually, and then I'd always hear like dads and shit be like, ah, look at those feet. You hear the dads say it? Are you that starved in your marriage that you're looking at a foot and like jerking off to it? Like what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, homosexual. No, no, like a lot of, he thinks a lot of things that aren't homosexual are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I just started watching The Sopranos. Just started for the first time, you know, a whole fucking 20 years later. And I just saw the episode where Uncle Junior, like, is, his girl is like bragging about how good he eats pussy, and he's like, don't let that shit get out there. And it's like, because they think it's gay to eat pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I never, I mean, I'm thankful that I grew up in a time that was more progressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, didn't consider eating pussy gay. I just thought, and then I, and then I'm like, looking at, like, listening to all these like, fucking like, Italians, like, oh, what a fujuka, whatever the fuck, you know what I'm saying? They're like, talking, and I'm like, look at the, like, how gay are you? Look at you, you know? Yeah, why are you so afraid of puss? Yeah, like, get over it, you fucking loser, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've had like, stubble, you know? Stubble is different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why this is like softer. I don't like eating pussy with a beard because you don't really get to sense all of it. You like have a guard on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, you know, just through the hustle and bustle of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex, you know, like you take your clothes off. I don't think to take my socks off all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't even pay attention. But I don't want like, I get nervous about mine, not like nervous, like so self-conscious, but like I'll be like, oh man, I didn't like clip my toenails completely. You know what I'm saying? So like, wouldn't socks just be safer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you look like anything cause your faces are here, unless you're like, fucking flipped around and shit. Or whatever, like who's looking at your feet? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't even know how people notice it. Like if a girl had socks on, I wouldn't even- I'd be like, oh you had your socks on the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's just a- I'm noticing a lot of things that don't make my dick hard lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. He did. So did I. I mean me too. I was a thousand per- I thank god for weed. Making me less irritable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a woman? Yeah. Doesn't affect me, like, unless it's crazy. I mean, like, if, you know, like, I've been with a few, like, hippie type ladies, and they maybe, like, miss a day or two, you know, or one of those things, or they don't care, but it's not really a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not li- like it's another thing, guys like lick armpits and shit like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think leg hair fucks me up more than, uh, armpit hair. Leg hair. Do that? You hate leg hair, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like if it was egregious where you're like, what did you just get off the, uh, off a boat? You know what I would do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing about the arm- I know resources. That's the thing about the armpit hair thing, like if it was unbelievably long, where they're like making a statement, I'm like, were you stranded on a deserted island for- Right. Two years? Why-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, varying degrees of affectedness, uh, through different times, like some of them didn't bother me. Like, I remember, like, my very, you know, like when you're super young and you have your, like, first girlfriend or whatever, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. Yeah, I mean, I remember like, you know, high school type stuff, early high school hooking up type stuff. I remember there'd be like a big, that's ever bothered me. And then the first time you see like a bald one, you're like, oh wow, that's something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am upset. This is like my mom would love this fucking cube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh my god. Like my mom has like quotes like that like paint on her walls. Like on her fridge. Like in the kitchen and stuff. That's a type of person. Above her bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's just stupid generic words and goes, thank you. So many people. So many people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little sayings. Nothing makes me more upset than little fucking sayings. Where it's like, I'm expressing a problem to you, and then you're like, you just have to look at the cup half full. How about you fucking kill yourself? I swear to God, dude, I get like- Wait, and you know what's so great about the cube? Like, that's advice. You know what's so great about this cube?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really just hate- I'm not against everything positive. I hate the idea of like, these words on a piece of paper or a thing said to me on a cube are gonna affect me. Like, they don't change my life in any way or my mindset. They're just fucking a sentence that someone put together. And they're cliches. They're cliches. They're cliches. It's almost more-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they are dismissive of your feelings with cliches than they are trying to help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. It's like a fucking, uhm, I wanna see like the engineering on it. Do you know what I mean? To see if it's like nicely made. Or just a piece of shit. Made in fucking Singapore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been to plenty of women's apartments who have words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can, they can, well they run the fucking gamut, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll position it in a way like this. To make me sound less angry about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are, yeaah, the ones that make fun of those things. Yeaah. Yeaah, they're fine I suppose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I've had some drunk hobos, uh, walking by my apartment that sound like that in the middle of the night, and I don't, I just let them keep going. I don't really have to throw things at them and stuff. You don't really want to rile someone up that's walking by like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could, you have to stay there. They get to leave and come back, perhaps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, so he's blind so it's scary cause it's like, is this me in the future coming to talk to me? Cause he sleeps there every day. That close to you? Like, it's like, my bed is here, there's a wall obviously, and then there's like some grass that goes about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, ten yards. And then there's a fence. And then the sidewalk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he sleeps on the sidewalk right there, like parallel with me. I gotcha. Like I hear him snoring in the night. Oh my god. Oh yea. Do you ever uhm, talk to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, his name is Yellowfeather, and, uh, he, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't have much to say, other than like, conspiracies and nonsense. Oh, he does? Oh yea, I don't even really follow, I can't follow it, so I couldn't like, regurgitate it. Oh, schizophrenic. But then he has a little, I don't know where he gets it, but every now and then he has an AM radio that he's listening to outside my apartment. Do you ever give him a beer or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've given him a couple cigarettes, you know. I actually paid him to go sleep somewhere else a couple times. No, you did not. I swear to God. Tell me that story. I just was like, hey man, like, cause he'll get drunk and just scream and shit, like go like, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hiii! Like he's trying not to puke in like the middle of the night, 10 yards from where I sleep. So I am like, hey man, if I give you 20 bucks would you like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a walk, go sleep, you know, a couple yards away at least or something like that. And he has. And I told him, I'm like, how much for you to like, stay away for a week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I gave him 20 bucks again and I'm like, and then he didn't come back, but it's been getting cold so he hasn't been outside lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Live, laugh, love, Josh. I would think, if I was Yellowfeather, I would be like, look at this fucking loser, paying over a G to sleep right there and I'm right here. Yep. We're sleeping in the same place, essentially. That's crazy, dude. Listen, we don't know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm not that person someday anyway. So yea, I am thankful, but I don't know that that's not in my cards. To be homeless? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because like, don't you ever put, there's so many around right now that you have to think about them. Oh my gosh. So, I always go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would I put a tent up here on the corner of Vermont and Sunset, or would I just jump off the 101?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I don't understand the whole like, I'll put my tent right here outside this Rite Aid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what made me worried about Yellowfeather was that he started coming back because I was incentivizing him to. Oh, right. Oh, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, I, then I, they're honest to god. You gotta start telling him. He started bringing other people to sleep there. Like they were having little hobo parties. And I thought it was because I gave them, and I'm like, I'm not giving all these fucking, so I just like, hole up inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the reverse tap. I don't even have to shit and I'll just go like, I gotta go kill some time. Like remember when I had an office job, I would just go to the take it, pretend to take a shit like all the time. I would sit in there for 20 minutes at a time looking at my phone. And uh, sometimes even when I didn't have to, I'd be sitting there and go, huh, I'm taking a shit right now. You know, it just would come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, would bemoan, uh, somebody who did much lesser things in their day and said lesser things in the past, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're still gonna be in PC, y'all. It's down one shot, there it is. Right there, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is literally the personification of misogyny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see anybody, were people literally out, like, were people actually like when he died being outraged? Cause I saw the opposite, I saw the woke, the wokeys being like, what a great man, blah blah blah, but you know at the same time, it just made it sound hypocritical compared to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You can't do that with Mike Tyson, you're not playing with the same kind of deck of cards. Right. So you can't really try and like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't think of you as someone who would stand for a slap across the face. There are girls who are like, fucking slap. Yea. And it is scary. Yea, you gotta be careful with that. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I did it really softly, and they're like, what was that? Like, you know what, I'm like, oh, you- Like, I'm not gonna fuckin' do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Officer, you know what I mean? Like, you know? Oh yeaah. I feel like if I was on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot. This girl is like, this one girl is like, fucking beat me. Like that. Like, and I'm like, I'm never gonna be able to do that, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do this around LA, I've learned, with the really tall trees, because I always wondered that. Those things fall off and they could like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you got some talks, huh? Oh, of course. Got to do in heroin. Oh, that's, I'm not going to do it till I'm in the grave, but I'm going to do it someday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not till I'm well in the grit, like if I'm, once I lose facilities of my ass, like, where you can't wipe your ass. Yeah. Like when you get that old, you know, when you can't wipe your ass anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm an old man who's got social security, nothing else going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, about the show itself? Yeah, just the show itself. Well, it's a, it's a, uh, it's my show and, uh, we cover all kinds of topics ranging from news stories to sports stories. Nothing, uh, that, uh, is actually serious. So you don't have to worry about that. We're not talking, uh, hard hitting, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having fun doing it and, uh, it seems like people are enjoying watching it. And, uh, you were just on the latest episode that came out today. Yep. And, um, thank you for doing that by the way. I hope you had fun and I think it was a good time. Yeah. So yeah, we'll have a guest in the Roach Motel every now and again. I will have the vacancy, no vacancy sign on, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have Queef of the Week. Play Queefs. We got, so we gotta get some more. Roach Motel at ymhpodcast.com. Please, submit your Queefs because. Send your Queefs in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it like cameo where you can send a request thing in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That people know. Yea, really, so you can't get missed. Yea. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a pedophile, he emphasized plus 18. I don't know if you heard that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how it's Creepy King, I don't know what she's talking about. King, I got your back. I'm jealous I didn't come up with it. Frankly, the challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like those chicks on OnlyFans, you know that on OnlyFans you can pay $5, $10, whatever to a woman to rate your penis. That's like the new thing now. To like your favorite porn star to rate your penis. How does she rate it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're in flux with dick pics all the time guys, love sending their porn stars their dicks. So this is a way for them to monetize that sort of thing. And I bet they tell them they're all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know a thing she wouldn't be too afraid to eat after eating that, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like parts of your relationship, she's like eating on the drywall and she's like, I just think we have to communicate more. And you're like, you're fucking daffy. You're such a daffy daffy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's what I'm saying. So maybe it's a show off, like a flex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's the difference between this guy and like for instance when we were out to dinner the other night, I was like having a cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw a girl walking in Beverly Hills like, doing this kind of like talking into the camera like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's good at it too, like he does it like almost like in a way where he's not bothered by doing it. And I'm always like admiring of that because I'm always like, I gotta go hide in this corner to do my Instagram video or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this dumb twat doesn't realize sexual gratification is a practical reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would venture to say that's more heartful than the women who kill people they know. That is very heartless. How could you kill someone that you've spent time with intimately?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause this is the last, these are the only shows I have for 2020, so please come out on Sunday. I will be at, in Phoenix at Stand Up Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, you can get tickets for that at Jay underscore Potter on my Twitter at Josh underscore Potter on Instagram. The link for that show and all the shows is up there. The 17th in Nashville, the 18th in Huntsville. So those are my only shows for 2020. Let's get tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I often neglect skin care. And uhm, recently I just kinda discovered like facial moisturizer. Like I realized, especially like this time of year, get out of the shower and my face would be super dry and like kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like we're all kind of ashamed of it a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the point? Like, you're using the couch for that whole time. Why is it covered? Cause you're gonna use it in the future? You're using it now!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't. I think it might be a little before my time, or maybe it's, uh, what Nadav's alluding to too. Also, uh, the Jewish faith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not the content, it's more about the way in which they presented it. It's so condescending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one you sent me that I didn't prep for the show, maybe it'll be on a future live, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it just me or does he sound like out of breath? Like where did he just run from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what if, like, you're not gonna marry her, she's not a dream girl. It's just a hookup every once in a while. Like a once a month thing. You're not gonna partake. Everything else is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a picture of you, you know, back in like the 40s when you were like 25 years old when you were super hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I totally was sleep with her. And, you know, there's always like an unwritten rule between a dude and his homeboys, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not as like a trophy, but you know, like, hey guys, like she's not bad for, you know, 107. I mean, and I don't think any of my homeboys would even trip if I brought her to the Super Bowl game on Sunday. Super Bowl party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kinda worried maybe she was wearing the pins or something like that. I don't want to start feeling bad for her. You know, once I start feeling bad for people, then I stop being able to fantasize about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This broad, she was good looking to a point where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything with a warm hold. Yikes. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White, chocolate, strawberry, pewter blue, and hunter green. One of my fan back chairs. Come over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like that blue one. Deluxe fan back, tropical deluxe, deluxe chair. Tell you what, that's all your essential chairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're even bigger than you think they are. It's really impressive. Yeah. Now my question is, what do we do with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't remember that? No, I know the piss party, but I don't think this is the same guy. That's the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if this isn't English, then it might not be. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the huge compilation that you found? Yes. Yeaah, we'll be pulling from that over the next few weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's not technically anti-semitic. Self-hating. Yeah. You're self-hating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just out of curiosity, what's he getting for that? $40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you not, did you guys grow up with money? No, but we did not use washcloths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing gl- free hair! I was like, nah. And then like, how come you did it to George Floyd, you did it to me? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, wait, mommy. Uh, that's the coke, right? Okay. Okay, thanks mommy. Thank you. That was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking for new friends, new acquaintances, new people to meet in LA. If you're from LA, let's do a Zoom call. Let's set something up. Let's meet soon. Happy Thursday everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, uh, if you're a female who wants to hook up, you have to see me afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and I won't be in my RV, cause I'm gonna get it done Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The handcuffs I got sitting here in the ERB and I'll fuck the living shit out of you. Up your ass and your cunt and your tits. Make you swallow my 10 inch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, uh, I did kind of a deep dive on Mark and I, you know, I read all the comments and everything on that page that these were originally posted on and Mark was talking about how Leo had a wife


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think she passed away first. And then that's kinda when he went into, you know, seeing Mark more often. But yea, he was married. He was. He was married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking for a white lady that's tattooed and dominant and be willing to put me in a dress and beat the shit on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big alone I'm gonna swallow. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, how do you, how do you get money? How do you, uh, make a living?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for your car, but a lot of your videos kinda show you in different rooms, like, like, hotel rooms or apartments or something, and I'm not really sure what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You there? Mister, uh, Fedsmoker? Not sure what's going on here. Alright, I guess that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you wearing your, why are you wearing your mask like that? That's not how you wear a mask, John John. Put that shit on right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you come. Wow. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold it now. Jeez. That's where it spits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About 6-7 years ago I started riding actual horses and from there I was involved in a lot of community with my barn friends. And we discovered that we all had this cool talent where we could all jump over obstacles just like a horse with all four legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this one a lot too. I could wear this one all day too. If you notice, this one ties all black on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll have a lot more. So keep looking out for more videos. Alright, and check out my YouTube channels because my YouTube channels will be coming through very soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So folks, look out, take it easy, and look out for your friendly neighbourhood bogan video. Alright, this is Brownie, your friendly neighbourhood bogan, signing off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he was all, that shit could be good. Could be. You could get it at the pharmacy with your flu shot. And I was like, I'm on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some very controversial sketches, Tom. You were told to pull back on the content of some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like is a guy with his face painted like that is confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you know, Dr. Drew, uh, loves these guys. Is he friends with them? Yeaah, he's always showing me the pictures on his phone that he has with this guy. He's kind of wild. He loves them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, and it's weird cause he'll put on the makeup too, Dr. Drew, and then butt fuck his wife, and all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Crayshon does this one too. Really? She went to the DiGiogolo thing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm glad that he knows the creep. I'm assuming this is the creep because the other guy is shaggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to the creep. Good thing. Thanks bro for knowing. Hilarious. I forget how insane it is. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Rob Byler, I did his podcast with Jamie Lynn. It was great. Uh, Pajama Pads. They're so great. They're such sweethearts. And uhm, he's like, he's like, I have two lives. One before I came on, on YMH and one after. He's like, our comments have never been the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if it's not science and it's not medicine, it can't hurt somebody, right? Do no harm is the credo of the medical profession, but you're not a medical professional. You're a chiropractor. We need to talk about the R word.


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[Assistant] I would, yes, hot debate in the mom world about the difference between, okay, would you rather be with Ed Asner or the sissy of Fremont?


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[Assistant] And I chose the sissy of Fremont for obvious reasons. Here's a support, uh, JG writes in. I'm listening to you guys debate on who to screw. Let's start with Ed. He hasn't been fucked in a while.


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[Assistant] Ed will blame you for his ED and you'll end up with a black eye. Too stingy? Hope you like being trapped in a cellar. The only people who have ever seen him angry never live to tell the tale.


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[Assistant] Yeah, his form scares me more because it's beneath the surface, he's got that white sort of midwestern rage. Okay, on to the sissy.


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[Assistant] This is a quick no strings attached guzzle and go. You could graze his cock with a cotton swab and he would come for 20 minutes straight. Use this time to freshen up and get out before he asks you to cuddle.


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[Assistant] Sissy wears his frustrations on his dress sleeves, and what you see is what you get. Winner, Sissy. Thank you, JG. I agree with you. I think Sissy Fremont's a little just out there.


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[Assistant] Christina, you're my homegirl, but I have to agree with Tom on this one. Sissy of Fremont has an exponentially higher creepy rating over Ed Asner. I wouldn't be surprised if the next time I'm watching 48 Hours, Hard Evidence with Maureen Maher. Sissy of Fremont is featured as one of the most prolific killers in Georgia State.


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[Assistant] These videos are not a way for him to find a dominant tattooed blonde, but a way to reel in an unsuspecting female so he can cannibalize them or dance with their corpse. Ed Asner is just an old dude that knows his jam. His jam is getting off with Mark. This is from Rita.


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[Assistant] Like he doesn't use any metaph- it's just-


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[Assistant] Also, native, please bring up my husband's Instagram account. I would like to share with the mommies what I see when he uses my belongings.


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[Assistant] This is, here it is, this is, okay, so here's my vanity area, and I was coming in to take a pee the other day, and I look over, and he's sitting in my chair, blow drying his nuts with my blow dryer. This is a real photo, this is not reconstructed. He's sitting nude in my chair.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you why. You wanna know why? This is much like my Pajitski effect where I realize I don't like uncomfortability. So I had a regular Ikea


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[Assistant] What is it? A stool with no back to do my makeup. And here I am hunched over, my back hurts, and we have this wonderful gray, big, couchy chair.


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[Assistant] It's a big chair. But it's a comfy chair. And I said just fucking put it in front of my vanity so I can relax and enjoy myself. And you know what? It takes up too much space, but it's fantastic.


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[Assistant] And fuck all y'all haters out there, hating my couch.


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[Assistant] And I got a coffee machine in the toilet too, what do you think of that?


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[Assistant] Yeah, try it out. It's really great. Yeah, how about that? I make coffee in the morning when I wake up in my toilet.


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[Assistant] This has been years in the making and I don't know if you mommies remember, back when we were at the old studio, you had an appointment for a colonoscopy. Twice.


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[Assistant] Twice. And that was how many years ago now? A few years, yea. So, since I've known you, you have had explosive browns, explosive farts, and now we're finally getting to the root cause.


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[Assistant] He's a simpleton in some ways. It's very simple. The thing is too, what I don't even, what you just said, and like, you don't even realize that it's a one-sided jerk sesh. Like just hearing you be like, oh yea, like you forget that Mark has a part too, and I think that's what lends to the creepiness for me.


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[Assistant] Right, you forget that Mark exists. I, I, yeah, wow.


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[Assistant] Well, you know what's interesting you bring that up is that you know how certain images get burned in your mind?


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[Assistant] I have been flashing to the two of them fucking for like days and I didn't even consciously register it. Like I see Ed on the bed and then Mark behind him, like in my mind's eye. Like it flashes five times a day.


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[Assistant] It was, it's dicey when you have browns. Oh, will you read this one in relation to browns and jizzing? Do you have that one? This guy has a question.


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[Assistant] Right, but uh, but is an, is sexual arousal a high anxiety state? Well, I mean, it's high, it's high stress in the...


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[Assistant] So the male body will shift priority from brown to white. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Cause if I had to make brown, I would think that it would hinder my wanting to have brown.


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[Assistant] And by clean, do you mean you'll let the Toto run twice or do you mean you'll take a shower with soap?


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[Assistant] Which is so random by the way, that yesterday, Yoshi, just out of the blue was like, just want to wish you a happy labor day. See his accent. See his accent.


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[Assistant] So random. He's so sweet. He's the only human that wished me a happy Labor Day.


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[Assistant] It's not, but the reason it was funny is because it's not really a holiday.


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[Assistant] Nice. I heard he was a sweet guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then really.


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[Assistant] It's a, it's an excuse for your nanny to take a day off and ruin your life.


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[Assistant] Celebrations, parades, barbecues, frequency, annual.


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[Assistant] International Workers Day. This sounds like a communist holiday to me.


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[Assistant] I know. Look, on May Day, he always moves and I'm reading it. It says, on May 1, the ancient European holiday of May Day, May Day was chosen by the Second International Socialist and Communist parties to commemorate the Haymarket Affair.


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[Assistant] It's a communist holiday. I mean, I don't know, in America we should, it finishes. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] The knob took the holiday off, Chris took the holiday off. It's just a day where they're not working.


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[Assistant] As we slowly adjust to a new normal, we still need to be smart about how we do business. And luckily, there's Stamps.com. Stamps.com brings all the mailing and shipping services you need right to your computer in the comfort of your own home office. Whether you're a small business sending invoices or an online seller shipping out products,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just working for home and you need to mail stuff. Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Simply use


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[Assistant] Now does UPS, how fantastic is that? They truly are a no brainer. Stamps.com saves you time and money.


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[Assistant] Right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom. That's stamps.com. Enter mom.


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[Assistant] Hey, can we talk about, you watched on tennis the other day, the best thing that happened in tennis.


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[Assistant] Well, I think you were really taken by her reaction, how dramatic she was. She did, she, look at his face. He's like, aww. Right there, he's like, no, no, no.


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[Assistant] I tell you though, I've been playing doubles in high school.


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[Assistant] Like, when someone hits you, you're so embarrassed. I would be so embarrassed that I'd want to shake it off.


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[Assistant] Like when I got pegged, I was like, I'm fine, it's fine. I pretend like I'm better than I am.


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[Assistant] I'd be so embarrassed though if I were her, and that camera was like right in her face. I don't know if I can ever judge tennis again, then don't fucking-


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[Assistant] Ugh, god. Yeah, keep your head in the game.


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[Assistant] A hundred percent. This is, this is, this is a tantrum.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's interesting how- You're a grown-up. You're a grown-up and he's just- they- they explode, so it's just unprocessed stuff, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I like that one because it's voluntary. Like you know that there's-


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[Assistant] The problem is these kids don't, uh, have, they don't remember the cold war. We need to have my dad go over and explain what that stuff was like.


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[Assistant] Uh, can I tell you something? That guy that got kicked in the head, I doubt. I fuck, if there's Ruskies in the background, I doubt he fell to the floor, collapsed to the floor and went, uh, my hair.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I kind of agree though, you should keep playing. She should have kept refereeing. I hope she refereed through her voice box being destroyed.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, we watched this movie last night, the orange heresy or something?


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[Assistant] Yeah, what a fucking title. But, I, I was, so they show a couple that hook up for the first time and they showed him eating her box.


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[Assistant] Mick Jagger is in it, and he's great to watch in movies. See that poster? Yea.


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[Assistant] Is this about, is this like a political thing? Oh boring, I don't even, and then I tell you what.


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[Assistant] There's no way Americans know what the word heresy means. I guarantee half of the fucking population doesn't even know what this word means.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's so pretentious, but the movie was good, the title's pretentious, I mean. But, but listen to me, I wanna discuss this, that, remember they show them hooking up, and he's going down on her,