[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know where they are. Knowing the spot, like cause I'm really good now about uhm, I travel, like I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to pack and where shit is, right? And the only reason I know where it is is because I always go to the same spot with it. The only thing that I lose now all the time, all the time, I've bought so many of both of these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I feel like the part of your mind that comes to the realization that you can get an end table in your own lamp, it's not just about that, it's actually, it opens your mind up to so much more. You're going like, oh I can do, like it's weird, it seems so mundane, but it makes you go, I can do all these other things. It's amazing, it's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another one. I think for a long time, you know, you live in an apartment in your twenties and you're like, well, this is what the walls look like. That was definitely me. And then like they are the white and no one put anything on them. So I won't. It could just look like a fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, people, different Persians feel different ways about this, so I'm dying to know yours. A lot of our, uh, Persian exposure has come from Shas of Sunset. So, we've told people who are like, this is a garbage program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people know, by the way, a Bravo show that was a reality show that has like 10 seasons or some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are not like this. You know, that's funny cause like when I would go visit, it's always like the older, when I would go visit Peru, when I was younger, I would bring friends sometimes. Yeah. And one of the things that I would want to show them was like the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's be clear about something. This is not ending here. When we're off mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's kinda cool though, is like uhm, running, like that whole running with a circle, even as you age a little bit, like having that tight knit, at least on the show, it's obviously your show, like you said, you know, a bit obviously orchestrated, but uhm, you know, I think that's cool to have like a tight circle of friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird. It's also, it's very American to be anti-formal, period. Absolutely. Because we're all like, nah, we don't play that shit, man. Yea, that's true. You're just like, I don't give a fuck who you think you are. I love that, I love that. That's very American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, is it authentically Iranian American though to be blingy and flashy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I was, I was moving, you know, I was a mover for a place at 14. You gotta do it. Grunt work. You gotta fucking do it. Instruction jobs. Yeaah. You gotta do it. It gives you a sense of self value, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of your associates, it's weird to think of it, but like now I realize that like people are meeting you and they're like, you must be evil. You must be evil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, right? No, it's a, it's one, it is fascinating the term and what people, and then, you know, that applies even to, you know, people, some people, like, prefer African Americans. Yes. They're like, oh dude, I'm black, you know. Yeah. It just depends case by case, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotcha. So Farsi is more on point though, it sounds like you're saying the right thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw, I watched you, I was like watching CNN or something. And I was like, holy shit, you're talking with Obama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. We don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, review and subscribe. Also, uhm, this allowed us to mention that the store is having a sale, uh, July 3rd through 7th, if you want anything in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20% off, go at MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura and use the promo code YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And finally, this is great news for our very near and dear to our hearts Josh Potter. A lot of you know that he had put a show up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sale in the rendezvous in Seattle. It's September 5th. Well it sold out immediately. So instead of adding a show, they just moved him to a bigger venue. So you can go see Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At Chop Suey now, September 5th. Anybody with tickets? You can go to the, still go to the show over at Chop Suey. If you want tickets, get them. Go to Josh Potter's, uhm, Twitter page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Jay underscore Potter and he has the link right there. It is September 5th. Uh, it's going to be at Chop Suey now. Very, very good news for Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? Okay. This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Fart Simpson made that. Yes. Pretty impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here's the instrumental of the boat. It's produced by Felonies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll take it. Thank you. Always, as always, you can submit your instrumental tracks or your songs about whatever. Uhm, you can send them to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. Yourmomspodcast at gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, we will, uh, you guys will find it, right? You go through there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much everybody that came out in Tulsa, Wichita, Kansas City. Uh, my next, I have some time off here at home, but then I go out in July. I'm going to Appleton, Wisconsin, Rockford, Illinois, Peoria, Illinois, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and Evansville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, very much looking forward to that. Uh, the great Josh Potter is joining me on those shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Texas, on November 17th. That was at the Paramount. The day before, I'm shooting at the, uh, at the ACL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comin' up man, very excited about it. Thank you very much. TomSegura.com slash tour for tickets. Farts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot to get into. We have a loaded show. We have the, man, the biggest Instagram celebrity that I know of coming up, plus a great comedian and director.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All on this episode and award winning content like this. Let's start the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For ten, for ten minute plus intro. Yeaah. You seen that? It's on change.org.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think if, if, okay, let me ask you this. I mean, just be reasonable. Don't you think if some, if, if 25,000 people signed it, that you'd be like, alright, we'll do one 10 minute intro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now we know with like the amount of people that download this, the average views, if you really want, you heard it, if you really want the 10 minute plus intro, if you sign the document, if you sign the change.org,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Petition, and we get 25,000 signatures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, okay, I agree that audio only, it could make you maybe want to put a bullet in your head. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're watching, you could make it entertaining because you could do things visually as the intro plays for that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zero, zero, zero. That's your score for all of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, can we talk about what the fuck I saw at the beginning here with the pennies? What was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, uh, it makes a lot of sense. I, I, I feel like it makes sense when I, when I see somebody being on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well hold on, we didn't, we gotta play your TikTok intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's, he has that uhm, there's a, there's a specific way that a person who's immobile lays and makes videos. Uhm, you see it a lot on TLC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is up with this guy? What is up with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real, that is a real TikTok right there. That guy is fully TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting there at night now, you guys, you know, she had the balls to accuse me of being a psycho for, for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watching, you know, crime shows. Sure. Do you realize that I'm in bed and I hear, huh huh huh, and then I'm like, what the fuck, and it's her just watching TikToks. Watching like, I got four panties, and then you can catch it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, he does, he really has a new book out. And Frankie, I've known who he is for a long time because he has a big YouTube following, a big Twitter following, and uh, he'll, he likes extreme weather, you know, and he'll comment when there's things happening, so I applaud Frankie, he really made me laugh with his being a cow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wanna know what's going on, is that like an arty thing? Like where she, she was into coke for a long time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want you guys to know something. When you're weighing in on who you like to engage with more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, what a great segway for them. And for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, come on. They, they came back and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They brought you to Clusterfest about a week ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is not a joke. People think it's a joke. I mean we have some even, I think we have some videos and some images.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I love to be in business with McDonald's. I'm a big fan. I think they make, uh, you know, obviously, it's quality, amazing food and they're back and I'm happy about it. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I didn't try that. They have all these foreign, right? Four foreign things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so we were talking about earlier, what you said to me, that you think there's a limit to the number of sneezes. Yea, people should get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're done. But I mean, and if you keep sneezing, they're like, just get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? I mean like, I kind of understand it, but I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think someone can be serious about that. Have you ever been around one of my dad's sneezing fits? No. Dude, they're all the time, but like, so he's always had allergies and he will sit there and sneeze. I'm not exaggerating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes 8 to 10 times in a row and I've seen him have as many as like 15, 16.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he sits in the same place that he's in and he's just like, blows his nose and he's like, huh. You see how, you know, his eyes are all watery and he's just like, oh, dude you just sneezed 12, 13 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that shit is like, but here's the thing, some of those things are prolonged like that guy or that man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, all the noises, like I've been on planes with people where you're like, I mean, you're doing this for two fucking hours, man. Yeah, the tics. That shit is, is, is ridiculous. But sneezing is involuntary and it's over relatively quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, for a movie. The duration of a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like sucking his, sucking spit through his teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but also what she's saying is completely wrong in that nobody is deciding to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, being in the room, yes. Now, personally, if I'm with strangers and I'm having a sneezing fit, I would, I would leave the room not out of, uhm, politeness, but because I'm kind of embarrassed. I'd be embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, uhm, I have to belch after like a bunch of big sneezes. That's so weird. It builds up air. Like I build up because I sneeze so forcefully. It's like air gets trapped here. And then I have to belch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's happened to you before? It hurts a lot. Sounds like it hurts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I love that there's like a little buzz after you sneeze, you know, it's like a head buzz. And I feel, I feel lightheaded. I feel like, I almost feel like I took like a good hit, a weed or something like, ooh, I feel it. I like it. And I like sneezing with reckless abandon, meaning no hands, like when there's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's gross. But it's fun because they can't do anything back to you. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's also going on an extraordinary role. You know? He's doing ten sneezes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I'm like, he's like, I can't help it. I can't, I can't do anything. I can't run. I can't run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, what is, what is, people won't understand the implications of this. For the last 15 years, any pop song, meaning a popular, let's say radio hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She calls it, she's just like, uh, like, just can't. So I, you know, you adapt kind of to what your, you learn what your spouse, your partner's into and you go like, oh, okay. Like she just doesn't like anything popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I like it. Now, she comes back from this one fuckin' trip and she's like, you know, do you like Willow Smith? And I'm like, what? She's like, she's got this new song, and Taylor Swift can really put out some hit tunes too! And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea man, I just, you know, she, this is the first time that she's ever, she goes, I just want people to have a good time at the shows, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never said anything. I'm the one that likes pop music. Alright, just checking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I, I mean, I- Rihanna? I like Rihanna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I have talking heads on here. No, that's from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's some biggie smalls, let's see, here's some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean most of the stuff is, I mean look, I got some Kendrick Lamar here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhuuh. Uhm, alright, we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hellooo, here's some Danny Brown, some SWV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, alright, so I'll start playing some more of my pop music for you and then you can, you know. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is a new, like you don't understand how, just almost,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] traumatizing this is to hear, that you're like, oh, I like fucking this stuff now. I don't even get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, speaking of that, I, uhm, I tweeted out the other day, uh, if you can pull that up, that, uh, yeaah, that I think it's ridiculous that comedy clubs haven't raised what they pay the MC and the features across the country. It's been the same rate for over 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like telling me how, I'm like dude, you don't understand what you're talking about. Uhm, these are not people making 50 and 100 dollars an hour. This is like something that they worked on for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, like, keep this in mind. So, the way that I'm talking about it is not the comedy store or the comedy seller. It's the clubs that you go to, uh, when a comic goes somewhere for a weekend. Typically, it's a three-person show. The MC is, or the host, the middle act is called the feature, and then the main act is the headliner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but for over 20 years, they've been paying the opening act $50 to host the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, there's a huge sliding scale for the headliners. So let's just say that if you are a new headliner, you're not selling tickets, so you don't make as much money, but you get a living wage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a big headliner, obviously you have a lot of draw. You get, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the part of the door. So what I'm talking about is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The MC in the middle are developing comics. They're people who are going to be headliners. They're, they're, you know, and of course, yeaah, they shouldn't make headlining money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But by not paying them even a reasonable wage, you cannot expect them to a, make a living,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You understand what I'm saying? 20 years ago, the booker, the club manager, the box office people, the servers, the bartender, the cleaning crew, they all make more money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You step up and pay them a little bit more. And by doing so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One or two of those com- or a few of those comics will be able to maybe not have to get that other job and be better at comedy, which the comedy club benefits from. You end up raising the level of talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like more to that point is like people were at like were hitting me up, why don't you pay people more? I'm like wait a minute, we're not talking about me. I pay people extraordinarily well. That open for you. For me. Correct. I'm talking about you're working that week at a club


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the club pays them. And so it's not about like, whether, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people in my position can take care of who opens for them. I'm saying like, dude, you realize too that like while you're talking about, you know, it's been 20 years, other things have changed into like rent is way more flights. They don't pay for middles to fly. So if you take the middle, we


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the, uh, fuckin' Dayton funny bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a hundred dollars a show. You might have five or six shows. That's five or six hundred dollars. If you're flying from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna be a, at best, fucking $400 round trip flight. So you'll make $200.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen condos where I was sketched out. Of course. I've seen condos where I put shit in front of the door. So have I, yeaah. Like, to barricade the door in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, the people at this point, it's, it's, it is reasonable to ask for this raise. The other thing, like the last point I'll make about it, is that the trend, like comedy's so hot right now, that the current trend for new clubs is bigger. So it's, it's, it's more seats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's expansion. New clubs opening all over the country are 4 and 5 and 600 seats. That's essentially a small theater. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they, even if they, if they have an act who doesn't sell, if you're able to give away 500 seats and, you know, that many people come and they have to do the two drink minimum, you're talking about per show, even on free tickets, that club is now generating an extra


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An extra four or five thousand dollars in revenue per show than they would if they had a 280, 300 seat club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's gross, uh, and I'm not like saying it to like shit on clubs. Clubs are the foundation of standup. I love clubs. I've worked clubs my entire career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think at this point it's like, you, you gotta at a certain point go like, it's the right thing to do. You know? Yeah. It is the right thing to do. And I hope they understand that this is just, it's totally. Elementary. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 25 million followers on Instagram. She has a fitness fashion line and she has a brand new podcast out called Oh Honey. You can get it on her YouTube channel. You can get it wherever you get podcasts, Spotify, iTunes. It is Amanda Cerny. Thank you for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is just to give people like some background on this. I went to high school with a lovely, lovely lady who is your manager. Right. And so this conversation started like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, we were talking about that and, you know, I was learning about you and I, I mean, I don't want to just fixate on the number, but it is an astonishing thing to build what you've built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Do you ever stop, like before we get how you get there, do you ever stop and go like, holy shit, this number of people? I mean it seems like overwhelming almost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you still do, you do short videos and like some of them are on the IGTV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so take me back to how, so you start on Vine. Alright, before that, do you have like, is it? I got a back story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised that like, cause you can't put it in soft, I'm surprised that you can't get it ready for anal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't read him. I'm saying that he's probably not opposed to mouths or vaginas either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a guy's like, hey, I heard you farted a lot today. He's like, I did. Here's a thousand dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On that trip, are you, because like, you're a college girl, you're coming out to LA, I mean, are you like, holy shit, do you feel like this is probably like, just like a one-off thing, or are you like, I wanna get in on this, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there just a deep breath moment though, right? Like, you know what I mean? Like, I imagine that there's something, like, there's a robe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go to the party, now he knows who you are, like he's like, this is the player now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody was like taking pictures the whole time. That's gotta be the worst part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fart. So wait, so let's fast forward some. So when you get that, it comes out, and then do you feel like, okay, now I want to get into entertainment, influencing, or whatever, or are you like, that's just a one-off thing, I'm gonna do something else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Isn't that amazing by the way? I think about this all the time because I'm super polite. About how many times I'm getting better at it with age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's the thing is like you're supposed to look at magazines and advertisements and aspire to this unattainable thing. That's what I like about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Joey Chestnut knocked him off his ass, go America. We fucked him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think it's kind of bullshit though, honestly, when, like for the world of modeling, when you're like, when, when like, you know, if a guy like me is like, I want to be a model. It's like, dude, that's not your lot in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe she's one of those people that actually knew their school's fight song. I've never known that. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna, I wanna jump to something though. So I know you, you, you moved to Miami, eh, you're doing your own, you're doing your own like, uh, videos and you're starting to shoot these sketches. And then it, does it start to pick up track? Do you, do you go like, oh, this is actually getting...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you, at the time you built the 4 million plus uh, Vine followers, are you putting all your attention just there or are you present in other platforms too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did you make that switch pretty quickly when you saw that? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me ask you this though, so you go over there, you see that like, that there's more time, and then in a year or so, you build about a million followers on Instagram?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then in another four to five years, you add another 24 million. Yeaah. And like, let me ask you this, cause I know, I imagine you may have thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I want to ask is like, do you ever stop and think about like there's so many people trying to do this and there's whatever lane you want to call it like there's pretty girls posting videos all the time and photos and they're beautiful photos and beautiful girls and maybe they're doing emulating to a certain degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. So, do you ever stop and think about, like, what, what, like, to someone who's going like, how do I make this grow more? Like, what separates, you know what I mean, you from them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but here's the thing. You're talking to like, fucking Bill Gates about his banking. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, one of the things we were talking about briefly out there, we were talking about it earlier, is like, you know, all of us have these aspirations of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the mainstream entertainment is the goal and that we're relegated to this second class if you're big on social media, if you're on the internet, right? But then this thing happens where when you actually build something and there's a following, you have all these followers and you're able to, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a fitness clothing line, right? And you see how it grows. You're like, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what the fuck am I doing trying to do the other thing? Like this is it. The thing I have going that I'm the boss of. I'm the, I'm the brand. I, I don't know why anyone even once they build something wants to break out of that. I feel like you get on a TV show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's what I want to pretend. You are opening up your DMs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here are different guys with different approaches. You tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how you, you respond to like the guy and whether you're interested or however you want to respond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, like he's, you're right, he's kind of saying like, I know you're taken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who could you tolerate of this stellar crew for one year? And you have to, you have to stay, you have to live under the same roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a little scary that one. Yeaah, he's a, he's one that I wouldn't marry for a year. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this. There's a brilliant answer. Brilliant answer. What would you like to do less? Watch five more guys like that or an hour of porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yes, okay, before we let you go. And by the way, thank you so much for coming today. Fascinating. I love hearing your story. Uhm, I love what you've built. I'm, I'm, I'm generally a fan, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I would love to see? The exact, exact equivalent video, but just you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I would love to do- I want to talk about this, but before you- So, just so people know, there's a new podcast coming- Yes. It's out right now. Yeah. It's out right now. Yeah, because it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, that's awesome. Uhm, and you're also, uh, is there TV, film stuff that you're?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called room of the world? Rim. Rim of the world. Yeah. Rim of the world. Okay. Check it out. Uhm, there's that, and there's... Activewear. There's activewear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I could do mine too. Uh, if you take 10 to 12 Benzerol and then you smoke your weed. You might get reported. I'll make you come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, one other thing, did I see this thing, uhm, were you in India?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, woah. Woah. Maybe don't teach it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you, uhm, everybody knows you from Stan. How many specials? I was thinking about like, you have a crazy work. I had specials before Netflix. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's huge, I mean, that's a lot of, first of all, that's a lot of specials. Yeah, it was nice, yeah. It was a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, let's do this instead. When you go into the band, let's just shoot you in each instrument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like there's one thing about like with stand up where uhm, there's very few people breaking out of the standard, this is a special format, which is cool. I feel like Jeff Ross for me is like, I'm always blown away that he'll think of like a new,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way of doing a special, you know? Yeah, well you had the best cold open. The cold open. You're cold open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we went to the act, we went to these, uh, East LA projects. Yeaah. With no, obviously like no permit. And I'm there with my friend Rami Hashash, who is a director. And then like these kids come over this, the overpass bridge. They're like, what the fuck are y'all doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start rolling. Yeah, everyone was like, we gotta get this thing going. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Roll em up. Roll em up, dude. Uhm, but you did, you also had, like, I fucking, you had your own television show too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen that message like a bunch of times. They're like, I like the special, like don't do the laugh track though. What are you talking about? You don't see like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. That's a dream. Do you ever think about like, cause you've done things already now that like, having been out here a while and you know, done a few things and tried to, like the improbability of getting a show on the air. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people go through development season, pilots, and like, I'm saying like, almost everyone I talk to who has done this for years is like, well yeaah, I mean like, you expect to not get on the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, can I just tell you, that's one of the three funniest human beings that's ever lived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I remember, he also, wasn't he in the Christopher Guest movies too? Did he do a couple, did he do an appearance in that? Dad, I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. I mean, he pops up in everything. Yeah, he's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that I love about Brian Dole Murray is that he can also just do so much with just a look. You know what I mean? Like he mastered like just looking at someone and like that becomes a joke. It's so funny, like the timing of how he does it that it says more than any line could say. Well I'm more impressed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. A lot of those guys are cool. So wait, so tell us, cause I actually remember, when you first told me this, you know, I thought like, that's so unique, but I remember being a kid, and there's certain like, you know, I remember seeing Raw, and I remember seeing Bill Cosby himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember seeing, uh, the amazing Jonathan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember watching that and fucking like almost puking from laughing so hard, you know. It was like so funny. And I love seeing somebody, like usually somebody that does something visual and has magic is a certain type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, if somebody like that doing cursing and being outrageous was a mix of the two things you never expect. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did you have to, did, uh, he agrees to do it, did you pitch the idea then to, you know, I don't know, financiers or companies to do the job?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went there, that's a super fun experience actually. Yeah, it's the best. It's like, uh, you know, offices will go there, like it'll be like an office outing, but you go there and you know what I mean? Like it'll be like, hey, let's, uh, this is your Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black people and magic is like, fucking, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I had the great pleasure and benefit of knowing you and you offered me a part in a feature. Yes. That we shot last year, right? It was last year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The old Breya is like, yeaah. Yeaah. It's like magic for me. You had a lot of great memories, cause you... I, that's the first place I emceed. And then Headline too, right? And Featured and Headlined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I headline there, way before I should have, it was an off night for like, they were like, we, somebody's doing like a fundraiser. You want a headline? I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and I just, what I did was I wrote out every joke I had ever written till that point and I was able to do it and I thought I was like, oh I guess I'm a headliner now. No, I was like so not ready for that, but my first


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, thank you for being a part of it. Oh, thanks, thanks for the offer. I mean, it's like, uh, you gave me some of the things I wanted to do more than anything, uh, which I get to be violent and sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean for stand up, I've had people that wanted to fight me, and I've had like the staff been like, you have to wait in the room, and I've had security come and been like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I've had like people screaming in the lobby at the manager about, you know, I've seen that a number of times over the course of my career. People were very upset that they saw the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best one I ever saw was a lady, it was at the old Bray or Irvine, I can't remember, one of the two. It might have been, I think it might have been Irvine and the lady was just in tears and really upset. Dude, what'd you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, I just kinda got to see it by hiding around the corner and watching. And I saw the, the club manager go like, uh, yeaah, no, I know, yeaah, it happens. And he's like, I'll tell you what I'll do. Cause they were like, we want, we want to get out of here. I hate him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I'll give you, uh, I'll give you free tickets. You can come back to any show you want to see. Yeah. And they were like, I'll come back tomorrow. They're like, they finally like agreed to it. And then like as they're walking away, he goes, Hey, I just got to tell you something. I can't promise you the next guy won't be an asshole too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw somebody, I did a show up north once where it was like one of those


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like he's worried. And then what? Are you gonna reach down and help him out? I guess I'm gonna eat, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, uh, we played it for a long time and then we had no idea what was being said. And then somebody wrote in, it takes place in Taiwan, and he's basically screaming, stuck, I'm stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Benny Hill theme song really does just make anything absurd. You gotta be happy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, or hurt, obviously, so they go, we're gonna airlift you out. Okay. Okay, so that's kinda what you need to know. And then just keep an eye on her. Okay. This is something that doesn't normally happen during a helicopter ride. It doesn't look that high. Okay. Well, here's the lady. 74. Oh. Uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, can I pull one other thing up from this? Yea? I wanna show Steve this one. Cause this one, I never understood why Christina didn't laugh at this one. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's no score. They don't do scores there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kinda does, yeaah, I mean, but that is great, right? Sure. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like one of our first nights and there are, there's an infestation of banana rats. I don't know if you could pull up banana rat, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These things are like, they're pretty big. So there's a guy on base whose job it is to just drive around base with like a 22 or something. I mean look at the size of that thing, right? Not a rat, that's like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy goes, that's a banana rat right there. And he's like, you know, they, they just eat vegetation and they're, they're totally approachable. Just a nuisance, you know? So we get out, he's like, just, you know, approach slowly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that you don't scare it off, you want to get a look at them. So we start walking up slowly, like four of us from the van.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they all looked at me and they're like, was that real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I remember watching like those as a kid, remember they said like televised Copperfield specials? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I went to, um, I was, I was, uh, I was in Seattle and I went into like a magic store. I was like, I want to buy something for my kid. He's only like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they're like, well there's this like, entry level thing for kids. And it was like, you, has like a little red ball in it, and you can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can basically pick it up and there's like a fake uhm, compartment. Right. So you can show it and then you, if you hold the top of the thing a different way, you can hide it and then show it again and then hide it. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it feels cool to perform a trick. Like you feel like you're being an illusionist. It's like you have a secret, right? I don't know. I mean, I think if I were to get into it, I would lose my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhm, you can see Steve on the road, are you touring right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, well look, Steve, thank you so much for coming by. Thank you for having me, I appreciate it. Congrats again. Check it out, guys. Try it out. Always amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Joshua. Jesus. It's me, Jackie, from Ottawa, Canada, and I think that I should get to win the contest to make Josh Potter come because I'm in Canada and he can't actually come here to see me, so I need to go there to see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A video or two today, I think. I'm not sure. I just barely put it on. I didn't have enough white, so my white's kinda fucky right now, so. Whatever, you gotta do what you gotta do, you gotta work with what you got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about some good ol' scissor sounds? Got plenty of white. Today? White.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just gonna pretty much be all scissor sounds if you guys don't mind. I know there's a lot of people that just like scissor sounds. So let's just do some scissor sounds, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fuckers with your eyes, you know? Make em work. Do you resent us? Sort of. Yea. I do. I can read it. I'll do the ads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It's definitely, I'll explain later. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, it is, uh, it's more of a, I just don't know what it's like to see. Right. So I figure I'm like, well, they got eyes, they can see this. Oh, I got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you see this? I can't do it, but can I see that? Can you read that? I couldn't possibly read that. No. Okay. No. At the DMV, my father would have read that to me and then I would have got my license.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's good that it's finally concise, the message. Well, to clarify things a little. Right. It makes it, it definitely just opened my eyes to everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, cause I'm sick of Alexa telling me she's a woman all the time, you know? Right. It's annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's because you're, that's your, just your cis-gendered. Privileged, white. Yeah, that's leaking in. You don't wanna, don't succumb to that feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadavez, DJ Khaled, tell us how to get on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that you should be saying birthday child either. What if your child identifies as a teenager or as an elderly person? That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you started giving him chopsticks instead of a fork in order to eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long does he sit in a soil diaper before he can sense? Like three weeks or? He can sit days. As long as he needs. You know what it reminds me of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited. I was scared, uh, when his Instagram went away. I talked to him this past weekend. There was a power outage in New York City, so I called to check on to make sure he was okay. In the power outage he was. And then his Instagram disappeared and I was concerned. And then he resurfaced on YouTube and he's using the phone. And I think he's thriving. He's wearing the shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, they look into it. And that is the only time that they look into an account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it takes someone flagging you, essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you have a person who's out to get you, sounds like this woman did, and you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That your boss's daughter or whatever comes across here. Wait, explain that again, what are you saying? You know how you can sync your contacts on Instagram when you create a profile so that it can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notify people that you might know that you exist and they can add you then. Oh my god. So they're doing it with their fetish account? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's because of the solicitation, uhm, but I'm not certain how they worded their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are sites such as manyvids, onlyfans, girlfund.com, sites like this where an amateur or a professional, either way, it doesn't matter your level of experience, they can go and you can create an account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on there you can do whatever you want. You can keep things private. People can pay monthly memberships. You can also have people, uh, pay you for custom content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but you cited specifically the fans one, right? Only fans is one that's used pretty predominantly, uh, when it comes to adult, uh, actresses, and, uh, and your run-of-the-mill whore, you know what I mean? Everyone from that to that is using it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are starting to deal in a mass quantity and your base is growing and you're starting to have a bit more revenue come in, it's best to start an OnlyFans account, uh, because then you can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and also you can get people to connect with you on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uh, so when you're creating your brand, you want the type of verbiage that would attract the clientele that you're looking to attract, right? So if you want a high-end clientele, maybe you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top tier big fish, so to speak. You're trying to get a just maybe four or five of those big fish, you know, so they could spend a lot of money on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna use words like, uh, worn or slightly used, things like that. Or soiled? Well soiled is a different type of gentleman who would be into that. What's the soiled guy like? That guy is a little lower level, you might not get as much money out of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other lady juices of, maybe some poopy. You know, whatever. I mean, you could go hog wild when it comes to soiled. Used or gently worn is like a jog. Maybe you're running errands in the grocery store. You're farting a little. A little bit of farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you're a business woman, Christina. You understand the facets. And I'm not expecting everybody to have the acumen that you do for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, no, that's great tips and I'm saying start small though. You know, find who's into you and what type of person they are and cater to your base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Target, buy a bag of cotton stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on a few jogs, you know, and then pop them into a- seal that shit up and pop them out in the mail, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sorry, I don't mean to take up all the time with this, but I, uh, I think another thing people are skittish about is mailing their panties. They think it's a crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A way to do that is to, uh, maybe you hire a gentleman in your life or something. Maybe you have a guy that can be like your security almost. You set up a rendezvous point and you meet up and you just do a hand-to-hand exchange, you know, like a drop-off section. Maybe you meet up at a Lowe's. Is it illegal though to mail them? I, you know, I'm not gonna say it's illegal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Uh, and we like to at my, in my aggregating company, we like to try and, uh, not say that we're, you know, going against the law, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes, yes. Any of these, anybody who wants advice, tips, let me know. I will gladly take a look at your business model and give you just tweaks and ideas to figure out where you're going wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean I have to just give back, you know? Yea, you do have to give back. Look how dark he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tick-tarded. Alright. I think that's, I think tick-tarded kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like where you're just in a world, a simulation where you think like, maybe all the TikTok people are smart and I'm TikTok'd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you get daddy vibes from that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she doesn't tell you how many packs you smoked before she got the Harper either. How devastated would you be if you found out the only woman that could make you cum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would admit it, I'd be like, well, I mean, she ain't much to look at, but jeez Louise. She really pushes the buttons. She knows what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holding hands with you and you are like holding my fist in your entire hand and it's like I'm a- You've been with women like this? Yea dude and it's weird, it's not fun for me. What's the tallest woman you've been with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 6'3", or something like that. 6'3"? Damn. Super tall, like to the point where I was, I felt like a child. Was she a volleyball player? Uh, something like basketball, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I gotta tell ya, I'm constantly impressed that he's got such a varying amount of meals that he always has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Do you think he cooks these? All of these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'll tell ya. This is doctor approved, you don't know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seattle's been on sale, Chop Suey, on the 5th of September, and now we've added Tacoma on the 6th at Alma Mater, and then on the 8th, a Sunday, in Portland, at Mississippi Studios. Those are the venues. They're on sale now. You can get them on my Instagram or my Twitter, whichever you prefer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, yeaah, no, that's a great, a great idea and we will, uh, we will do that and I am going to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fortify myself so I can bring the heat with Jackie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to, uh, pharmaceutically prepare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I am pro dick pill game. For every guy out there, I don't care if your dick works. I don't care if it doesn't work. Everyone should be doing it. For, you know, I know you said I don't need them. It's not about need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun to hit dingers, that's the point of this. You gotta take them so that you can just rock it out. And it makes you feel like a fucking million bucks. I was walking the next day, I was hearing Bee Gees in my head, I was whistling, I shot a three, you know, it was fucking great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't come, unfortunately. But it works. But it works in terms of, I mean, you can think about baseball, you can think about the Pledge of Allegiance, it doesn't matter. Your dick is like, I got you. So you're rock hard. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not, I'm not trying to like, this isn't a brag, I'm talking, it's, it's not me, it's the pharmaceutical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like after a while when you don't come, you know, you can go and go and then after a while, like, you get kind of like, wow, I'm done, this is over, yeaah, this isn't gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that way I can like, my brain can take a break, but my dick is like, I got this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more, I'm more just telling the gentlemen out there, don't have like these, I'm nervous, I don't want to buy it at the store, they're gonna think my dick doesn't work. It's like, let them think whatever they want, they work at Rite Aid, who cares? You know what I mean? Like, you're gonna fucking house a lady later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I connected with a woman who I wanted to really impress in that regard. So I was like, you know what? I hear these things back and forth. I'm getting older, you know? I don't have the, uh, necessarily the stamina I once did. The what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, sometimes, sometimes I'm not. Sooo. I can go imagination style. I gotta practice for when I can't see someday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, uh, keep going. It's just hard and keeps staying that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things probably, I don't know. Do you go to therapy? I don't know, nothing, nothing, I'm gone, I'm like dis-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm open to all that and I'm going to keep exploring those things. Meanwhile, I'm also going to have a practicality type tests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Manscaped. You know, I can tell you that from the time I was like 14, I've wanted to shape everything down there into a nice, presentable,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, fashion for those- There's a lot to work with. There's all types of stuff. And we're not talking about meat, we're talking about hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of hair masking what looks like Popeye looking through a field or a forest. You know, one eye open. And I've, I can't tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times I have been bitterly disappointed and actually physically harmed by inferior clippers and just things that snag and cut and nick


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My beanbag, and I've bled, and I've, you know, disappointed some people who are like, what's that, is that a disease or something, you know? Like some scallywagon that I met on the streets, and then I go, no, it's just a cut from an inferior blade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what's wonderful, is the great people at Manscaped, of which, by the way, they have now blessed our entire staff. They've blessed the entire staff with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their redesigned electric trimmer, their Lawn Mower 2.0, has proprietary skin-safe technology, so this trimmer won't nick or snag. You're nuts!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaping accidents are finally a thing of the past. Don't use the same trimmer on your face as you're using on your balls. That's just nasty. Why you gotta be so nasty? Manscaped also has the Crop Preserver, an anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always use the right tools for the job. Your balls are definitely going to thank you. Again, get 20% off free shipping and a free travel bag with the code mom at manscape.com. That's 20% off with free shipping and a free travel bag at manscape.com and use our code mom. Thank you, Manscape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Aphrodisiac, for bringing us back to the crib.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, quickly, I can tell you that as of right now, uh, the Late Show in Wichita has a few tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As does the Kansas City show on the 30th. The 29th is sold out, but the 30th at the Arvis Bank Theater has a few tickets left as well. From there, I roll on to Appleton, Wisconsin, Rockford, Illinois, Peoria,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cedar Rapids is sold out and then Evansville, Indiana. Those are all in July. There are tickets available at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I then go on to the northeast Hampton Beach, Burlington, and then a big Canadian run. So there's Late Show tickets available in Toronto, Winnipeg, and Vancouver. Those are all in August, but you might want to get your tickets now. Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, we did the dates. I'm a total idiot. And I forgot to add the dates that we just put on sale. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 6th and Grand Rapids, Michigan, December 7th. There we have already added a second show. So get tickets for the second show in Grand Rapids. They're all at TomSegura.com slash tour. Thank you. Let's do it. Let's start the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My inbox is honestly like, just make the intro longer. Why do we even listen to your show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen a lot of requests for an intro only episode. Where it just plays the intro. Right, that's what he was just saying. No, but I'm saying like, let's put that out there. A one hour clip of the intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna sit here for an hour and rock out. I'm not gonna give our audience what they want. That's what you just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this guy. This guy, well first of all, he sets up exactly what's going on in this open, in the first clip here to make sense of this song. Go ahead and play this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I love about this, is that in that clip, you're like, oh, it's just a guy who was in this horrific accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is, uh, he's rehabbing, and he's improving, like, sure, that's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is nothing about that clip that takes you to where it's gonna go. Those are my favorite ones. I'm just rehabbing from this car accident. I was in, look at me walk now, aren't you proud of me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's really calling Dale out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Hey man, that is, that's quite a jump. You put some hot sauce on that game. So yea, I went to school in North Carolina, and there's a lot of Dales there, so there's no way to limit this down. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on with Dale? I mean, Dale wasn't in this accident. Cause he's citing that Dale couldn't get his dick up for a year. He knows Dale well. And it's also not playful. This is not his friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a tone to this that to me doesn't read like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it the original video sent? Did the person who filmed this send it in? Or is it a link to something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please do, because this guy is the kind of guy I like to feature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like when I lift things and move things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The premise of the movie is that in like the first couple scenes, you see Anthony Hopkins put a bullet in his wife's fucking face. So right away, you're hard, you're ready to fucking watch a fun movie. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's a, uh, there's a trial. And it's just really, it's a legal, you know, it's like a courtroom drama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, man, he plays a great lunatic. Hopkins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And he's very masculine, like you like, he's a real man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's a gentleman, but in this movie, you're like, yeah, she's fucking talk shit, get hit, you know, no, that's not what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a handicapped neighbor across the street. I dreamt that I broke into their house and I tied them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what, everybody was saying in my dream, they're like, you're a pretty masculine guy. And I was like, yeaah, shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had joyful dreams. I've had joyful dreams, but I like terror.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like mystery, suspense, I like the last image I like to see as I fall asleep is just someone screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what's the, uhm, what's the Herd Dream is like the, uh, it's the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were watching TikTok the whole time when I was finishing that movie the other night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right. That's pretty fucking funny, man. That's a dope rainbow. Yeah. That is a beautiful rainbow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so she's really upset if you claim that ICP is what you're into but you're like not familiar with all the lyrics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I think is a game changer, is you just put your coffee, your Keurig or whatever, your Nespresso in your master bathroom. And it's like you wake up and you just have a coffee ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll fucking wiccan. Listen to me you piece of fuck. I'm wiccan. Alright. Yeah, that's great man. I'm really happy about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a game changer. Uhm, yeaah. So, listen. The other day, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Uhm, so, oh yeaah, this is something we wanted to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there any way we can get Josh to say a few words? I don't want to say them for him, but we're gonna have him say these words just to hear how he says them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, did you contact our winner of your contest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so everybody thinks you're R-word, so will you, will you say these large bold words and just see how you say them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, Always Amazing is, is a... A documentary, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So by the time the next episode airs, you will have a real update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to. I'll just say that we want you to come back alive. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Uhm, alright, hold on, I gotta move on. So, so somebody wanted you to know. Oh Christ. It says CP isn't the only R word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This blew my mind. I was 33 years old. Daniel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, it gets a bunch of obviously like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets a lot of joke, joke responses obviously, like it's a prompt for a joke. And then, it gets a few, a handful of like, hey I'm actually really doing this. And then I go, oh well I can tell people how to do it. And someone's like, well I'd rather just like, you know, email you directly about it. And I go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get an email, but here's the fascinating part about this. We've been talking about this for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, here's, okay, my favorite part, I'm gonna get into the details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is what she said. First of all, she's been doing this 10 days. So we're not talking about a veteran. We're talking about somebody who just started and was like, dude, I'm making money right now. And she's like, yeah, I'm happy to tell people what I do, how I do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, and tell people that like, look if you're a woman and you're in debt or just need extra cash, I really don't think this is a bad thing to get involved in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your life. It's kinda crazy. Uhm, so I'm gonna tell you. Yea, tell them how much money we can make. Dude, so, it starts by this woman's friend tweets something, and then as a joke, she sees it and goes, hey, anyone want feet pics? I wanna sell them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, let's see here. So for the preview, set me like 50 bucks. Oh. Pfft. Then, uhm. What's the preview? What does that mean? What do your feet look like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then- But isn't that the picture of your feet then? Well that's one. Then some dude was like, I want 100, send me $120 to take a 2 minute video of my boyfriend tickling my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on! That's two minutes. Then another customer wanted pictures of my feet while I was sleeping. So it's just like feet sticking out of the bottom of the sheets. Come on dudes. Then another guy, $135, just random numbers, for a video of me putting my feet to the camera, telling him he's a disgusting pervert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're paying me for that. They're calling me goddess and mommy and sending me Amazon gift cards and Starbucks gift cards. Great! Shit, I gotta sign up for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just started doing this 10 days ago, 800 bucks in like a week. Amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With whatever your thing is, feet, armpits, you know, underwear, socks, whatever. And you do that and then you go, hey, here's, here's what it is. If you want a custom thing, hit me up. You have your direct messages open. You set up a Venmo or a PayPal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] account and you just go like, and here's the thing, oh she said, the thing that I learned, you gotta get money up front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go, like, you get the money up front. Uhm, she goes, it's mind boggling. I've been in this just over a week. People are asking my advice. I'm giving it to them. Uhm, yeaah, she's like, I'm making money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it is, I'll tell you what it is. She says we can, we can plug it. We can plug her? Okay. It is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go to Instagram first probably. Search it within Instagram. Or just do the handle. Just do the at. F-E-E-E-T. By K.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got on right now. Pretty feet. So she did her thing. Pretty face, pretty girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm saying if you, if you're talking about in a week 800 bucks for your first week doing it, like you're gonna start paying your rent and shit off of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And panties? How much you think panties? If you're like, I'm gonna send you my filthy panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that I sweat and farted in, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I always, I always clear the plug. I clear saying, hey, you want your thing plugged? Please, uh, you know, check her out. Be nice. And if you want to request something, do it, but you know, don't harass her. I'm just trying to be nice to her. I always try because I mean, most of our fans are super cool with it, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, the last line, the last thing that she says?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is uhm, P.S. I love the, I love the podcast, I always keep it high and tight. I want to challenge your mom to a fart duel. Interesting. And I'm like, it got me thinking, how much money is my mom leaving on the table?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, that is, that's a, that's a serious-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you this too, if you're a woman out there, I know we've talked about this before, or guy, I'll just say, but like, you know, listen, if you're like, uh, but I don't, I don't have the prettiest butt or... Doesn't matter. Dude, doesn't matter. Somebody out there is totally into you. I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, she would just be like, it starts at, you know, 5 grand a panty. At least. Yea, then she's all of a sudden breaking in 50 grand a week on her panties. I know. I mean, this is, this is the lane to be in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, I feel like I'm limiting it to women. I feel like if you're a guy, dude if you're a good looking guy, I'm serious. Like let's say you're a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set it up under a fucking weird name. And then the thing is the hashtags. You just have to look for the right hashtag. So find the popular hashtag for that thing. Right. And start putting up pictures and be like, what kind of custom video do you want? Josh, our own Josh Potter just changed his bio because he wants to test the waters on the potential.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, and I want him to make that money. I mean, this is probably gonna be, we'll probably have this, he'll probably do this a couple of weeks and be like, you know, I can't work here anymore. Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when we start talking dollars, I think we should try to convince her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Of course. Do you understand that there's a genre for everything. It's always there. Somebody wants a 90 year old woman to fart in his face. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm super excited by the way, so we're gonna call Charo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things you should know is that I told her there was merch coming out. There's merch on sale now. Okay. And I told her about this. I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's merch coming out with you and she was so upset. She was so upset. You can't see it there, but it's on the store. So it is on the store. Go to merchmethod.com slash time to go. There's Charo mugs and there's Charo shirts that says you're not my son anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well we say that and then it'll change. But it's absolutely, dealing with this is like, this brings me closer to rage than anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I literally watch and now I'm going to call again. Yeah. Hello. I'm like, well, I'm told y'all call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna call you right back, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's a couple things that like people are fired up about. Number one, your merchandise is selling like hotcakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have mugs, you have t-shirts, you have pillowcases, towels, hats, keychains. We did a whole line and it is honestly the hottest seller that we have had. We even have like flash drives, we have umbrellas, backpacks, everything embroidered and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people are- This is a whole fashion line now, where-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you understand that people are consi- talking about you like you're a god?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you are, you, do you realize you're probably top three in the world at something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the combined views are around 2 million now on all the platforms and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's true, it's true. When you combine the Instagram, the Twitter, the YouTube, all the views, yeaah, it's about 2 million now. And people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have so many requests for custom videos of you farting, like looking over your shoulder and farting, and like doing different activities farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell her how much she can make. Mom, we're talking seven, eight thousand a month. Every month! Okay, I'm gonna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait till you see your merch check, then you're not gonna be too upset. I promise you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I'm not joking. Oh yeaah, this is a great idea. So how about this, and I just want a straight up answer, just, I'm being honest. Would you fart into, like let's say your underwear for the day, and then put that in a bag and ship that out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She signed up already. I'm asking you now because you're a legend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I totally respect you. I actually honor you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honor you and I hold you up to the light in which you belong, which is queen of all farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like if you were to go over to dad and be like, hey, how do you feel about an extra seven, eight thousand a month? He'd be like, nah, I don't want that. Right. Of course he wants it. Right. Why don't you just fart a little bit and get your money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, I want you to know something, because I think you think this is a joke, but I want you to know how proud I am of you. Because I, when I put that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More than proud. When I put that video out, I made sure


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To put my name on your body, on your face when it plays so that everybody knows that's my mom. You know? So I, I want people to know that's not just some random lady. That's my mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you go see one of your friends and they're wearing your new shirt? They're wearing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, uh, do you know what you said to me the other day when I told you that your merchandise was coming out? Yea. Do you remember what you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you said, okay, I'm just gonna go kill myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, you start, I mean, you start sending those bottled farts, canty fart, dirty panties, your custom videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well anyways, I took the liberty of setting up your site, setting up all the pay stuff, so all we need now is content, content, content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I gotta tell you, I've never been prouder, I love you so much, and I can't wait to get this money with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, I love you, and keep farting, God bless, I'll talk to you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, should we break? Yeaah. Let's get some, some lunch. Let's do it homies. And then I'm super excited that Tiger Belly's coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, here's what's kinda fucked up. I send you, I text you this voicemail, I ask for your help, and you're like, not even gonna respond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you're saying, but ultimately you, no, she would not bring it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you? I bet you she's more attracted to you today. Yeah, are you? You came in here, you're fucking shoving people in the chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like you're a caretaker of some kind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every time. Every time? Go ahead. Okay, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're so eccentric when you have all these crazy ideas and you're bouncing off the walls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I saw him sitting there, like almost, he had to meditate to take the compliment that I wanted to snap him out of it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I feel like once somebody hangs out a little bit and watches you two, they pick up on that immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they pick up on that, like, she really has a heart of gold for you. She has such a, like, you guys have the perfect dynamic. You're this eccentric, wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's meant to be there to bounce off of all of it. Puts you at ease. You guys have like, the perf- I think you're the perfect match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, we saw a Filipino prison. There's been a number of episodes in Asia. Filipino prisons are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking right before we went on mic that you're not an asian draw, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, if you're from any marginalized group and you're proficient, good at that thing, usually that group goes, you know what I mean, like the Indian guy who's a good comic will start drawing Indian. If you're, you know, Latino and so on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just saw you do one of your sets at the store. He's a hater, he's jealous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So you don't want to start working hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who I am asked the most about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is for real true. Who like, I'm out doing shows, I'm just, the person who I get asked the most about of when will they do a special is you. Okay. So my- Congratulations. People- Congratulations, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How often do you- are all your thoughts basically what people are terrible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm not, I'm not saying it like, you're the, I'm saying your dad's list obviously would be like, if you go Filipinos, your dad's gonna go jungle Asians? He's gonna put, you know, all of them there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've never been? Dude, you're gonna have so much fun. Are you going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I would have never done it. Are you amazed, uhm, like when, when, when you think back to just setting up the mics, to what you got, like the following and you see, aren't you kind of amazed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did he say anything about like, hey, there's, was he like, ah, I didn't notice many people were going to be here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do I have to say something? No! I just want you to, what I'm saying is that we watch this video and we go, hey, what's exactly happening here? And we just like when people weigh in with us. So this is the video, okay? Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, at this point, what you see is somebody that has obviously been in some type of horrific accident, and he's showing you that he is on his way to recovery, right? Yeah, but, okay, keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally just started the pilot and I was like, I saw a dragon and I was like, I'm out. There's no dragon in the pilot. Alright, episode two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's exhausting to act like they're gonna be regular people in a show. You know what I mean? It's like, give us- I get it, you're the court jester, you know, they put peanut butter in your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. I know I'm right. I think it is a cultural event and I think it is something that people should make an attempt, like if you're living in the current times, to be familiar with like the pop culture phenomenon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we did it. So then a couple weeks ago, I go to one and it's always now, you know, I go, I'm always going to do this omakase and let them, let the chef take me on a ride. If you go to a good place. So I said, I sat at the bar, that's where I took out my buddy. Where you went to Sugarfish or something? No, I went to a straight up the best joint in town. I'll tell you off mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go there, the guy fuckin' rides his bike to the fish market every morning at two in the morning. He's a fuckin', you know, so he, he's like, you know, telling me, giving me piece by piece, describing it, and then I'm like, you know, it's delicious, and then he's like, he's like, fool? I'm like, nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we go out to dinner where, uh, we had a work dinner at another sushi place. It was another authentic Japanese place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I start ordering off the menu, like, four pieces of this, six of this, four, cause there's a group of us, and the lady's like, you should just do omakase and, and, cause if you're gonna order this much, I'm like, oh okay, then we each get like, four separate trays of four, basic or less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So obviously you say you go deep, you eat a lot, but is the etiquette, is like authentic sushi eating supposed to be just here are some flavors? Or is it supposed to be you can actually get full satisfied? You know what I mean? Is it like offensive literally to eat that much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the all-star chef I'm telling you about, the guy who's like unbelievable, literally he's like, still hungry? And I go, yeah. And he'll go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you go to this sushi place with me? If I tell you it's as good as it gets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want the real answer? So I lived in so many places where you go like, you just end up walking into rooms and you're like, oh I'll take care of this, and then it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took time. Because it's really stressing me out. But that's the thing is, you need to put that stress onto somebody else. So you hire someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kitchen, yeaah. Those are the three rooms you need the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then take your time with the other ones. If you have a guest room, like dude, you can do that. How many rooms are in the house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, white people are fun, bro. White people are fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you, in this thing. I hate them both. We were just talking about selling panties. Is there a, is there an actual graphic? Oh no, is that my thing? I gotcha, I thought somebody actually had one on there. You ever think about selling your panties online Bobby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just put pictures up and you go DM me for customs. Bobby's looking jealous. What's going on? Give me a money idea. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I wanna know, why did he do that? What prompted that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute. What? No, no, no, no. Take us through. Wait, wait, wait. You have the emergency and you go. We're past that. Do you now, on your way home, go, you're gonna have to help me and I get home? Or do you wait until you get home and say, Kly, like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got that part. I'm not, I'm not upset about that. Back to Christina's point. How do you wait till you get home, till you see her, to let her know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. Oh yeah, check this out. Watch this. Tell me if you think this is horrible or hilarious. Okay? This guy, if you're listening, there's a guy standing on like his back patio and then there's balled up barbed wire on the ground in front of him. It looks like he's going to do some type of jackass move here. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and let's pull up those two. Is that your body? So where is he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Arlington Draft House. Okay. Omaha, Nebraska. These are all great. So go to Bobby Lee Live. Get tickets now. Go see him. He's an amazing, hilarious comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's this real, it's just like ghetto uhm, hood Asian lady who says crazy shit uhm, and somebody made songs from her saying it.


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[Assistant] This is the origin of the song, just so you know where it's coming from.


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[Assistant] Holy shit. We haven't seen the clip in, I don't know how many years. Years. That's her?


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[Assistant] Oh, I have some off mic questions for you. I'll get it.


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[Assistant] I mean, retarded man. I mean, retarded man. I mean, retarded man. I mean, retarded man.


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[Assistant] Just a bar of hair. So weird. What's his name? That's what it looked like right there.


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[Assistant] Make yourself useful, you stupid, dumb, fucking, cocksucking motherfucker. Jesus. What was that?


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[Assistant] Okay. Wow. And what- what do you- what do you- Wow.


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[Assistant] So like, I thought like-


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[Assistant] You know, I'm saying, people ask me about it. I get it.


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[Assistant] Do you have an answer for that? No, I don't. You're not gonna do one?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I'm saying it. Yeah. But they love her. Which is strange. Who does? My parents.


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[Assistant] You know where you belong, do a fucking cartwheel, get us something to drink. Holy fuck, that's crazy.


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[Assistant] Where are you messing with me?


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[Assistant] I mean what? Why does she have to clean it? Why couldn't she clean it? Is her cloth leather? What is it?


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[Assistant] You know, uhm, society is the one that told us what good looking and bad looking is, okay? And in many eras, throughout the history of mankind, I'm sure that my look


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[Assistant] Was like huge. I think, here's the thing. 16th century Ming dynasty or something, right? I might be, I might be go, I might go to a club then and like be deep, like Chris D'Elia style, right? You know you're not wrong.


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[Assistant] Hey, what's going on with my phone? Nothing. You can look in the mirror and convince yourself, Tom, that you're liberal, that you're open.


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[Assistant] Hey Bobby, that's better. And beneath it, the tone, right, is like back in Deadwood when you folks used to go into the opium den. Remember we were working there? Right this way Mr. Segura, right? And you'd lay down and stick a pipe in your mouth. That's how you treat me.


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[Assistant] It's, it's like this. It's like when dogs sense, like, a coyote.


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[Assistant] That's a good example, right babe? Because we walk our dogs, right? And sometimes I don't see the coyote, right?


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[Assistant] But then it's like, my dogs will be like, really extra attentive and go wild.


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[Assistant] Right? But, so, you know, they can sense it, right? That's how I sense you. You're like the coyote. Wow. Danger.


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[Assistant] You know? Yeah. Like only Jews would do an April Lincoln like cut with this beard, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] In the pioneering days back in the 17th, 18th century in America, they would have eaten you up alive in the forest, my friend. Got that? Write that down as a tattoo or something on your arm.


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[Assistant] It's green and full of food. It's not even that. It's, it's, it's, uh, Studio 54.


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[Assistant] Sex? Right? Yeah. Where I go, do you want a warm towel? Cause I'd nudge it all over her back or whatever.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause I do that with ladies cause I'm a gentleman. I'll go get like a dish rag or something.


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[Assistant] Right? So, what I have to do is do prison style, and go lay on your stomach. Right? Oh, right. She lays on her stomach, right? Yeah. And I go, and I, sometimes I put my hand around her mouth.


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[Assistant] No, we do, no, we do her, her, her, her, like, scenarios, like, I'll start, she's very good at it. She's never taken an improv class, and she knows how to add information. Yes, and? That's what she is. In checks.


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[Assistant] Right, so I'll go, uhm, yo, lady. I never met someone so hot at like a summer camp, right, and then she'll go and, yeah, and I'm the counselor and you're the five-year-old boy.


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[Assistant] And it's a word that I think is a negative word. Oh, I'm sorry, which one? Incentive. Eccentric.


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[Assistant] It's not because I've heard that, like, sometimes I'll see, like, a crazy dude and go, you know what I mean, what's that guy's story? And some will go, that guy's eccentric.


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[Assistant] But you know, I don't, you know, what I, I realized...


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[Assistant] That I do it not for that, I don't think.


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[Assistant] That I can be brave in the world. Really? Yea, because before I did stand up, I couldn't talk to anybody.


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[Assistant] I couldn't talk to like a cop. Look at my eyes. I couldn't do it because they're just authority figures and also white people. I'm being real. I was threatened by them.


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[Assistant] And then, uhm, when I started doing stand-up, I realized that, oh, I can talk to women and authority figures now. Since I was 23. I did open mics at 23.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna say this. I will answer your question about the boat, right? But I'm gonna say this, and I'm gonna warn you. And you're gonna play the boat, alright? But, if it's not me...


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[Assistant] So I'm fine, yeaah. That's a very funny video.


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[Assistant] And I knew that it's guys like him was the reasons why I wasn't getting laid.


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[Assistant] Listen, it's funny that you bring this up because I've been very-


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[Assistant] She should be gifted a solid gold statue. Oh yeaah. That's it? I didn't finish. Okay, 20,000 feet high. Because I've never seen anyone endure the kind of fucking hell I put her in.


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[Assistant] There's something about uhm, when Asians eat, right, or they get together, where white, it's not, it doesn't fit with what white people do, like there's an element of crazy, that I'm glad that she, cause I know her family, and they have the same thing as my family, my family,


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[Assistant] I, when I was in the Philippines, I did a talent show. Do you guys know that?


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[Assistant] I think it's better to draw if I'm in like anywhere.


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[Assistant] I know you do. And when it's mostly, like when it's mixed. It's a feeling that I did what I set out to do.


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[Assistant] I totally agree. I totally agree. So when other Asian comedians are like, yeah, I sold out in San Francisco with, you know, 300 other Asians in the audience. Yeah. In my head, I'm like, yeah, it's not something that I would- But why do you think that happened? Well, I'll tell you why, because there was an actor, a Korean actor, I'm not gonna say his name, I want to so badly.


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[Assistant] No, I'm a Korean actor and I went up on stage, this is probably 15 years ago. I was at the store. And he came up to me and he goes, You're a disgrace to our people. What?


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[Assistant] Can I tell you who it was? Yeah. This is a known actor. Yes, and I go, what? He's like, everything you- he has a little accent. Everything you do on stage is a disgrace.


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[Assistant] And then he just walked away. And I had tears well up in my eyes.


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[Assistant] And he was, he's not a comedian though. No, he's an actor, I just said. And he just watched it. Jackie Chan? No, he's pretty big though. No, he's not that big. He's not iconic. I could say Jackie Chan because, you know what I mean, there's no way that he would- Can I ask you?


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[Assistant] Filthy. Yeah, I'm not filthy. I just, I'm more American than I am Korean. And it comes out more SoCal, you know, dirty skater kid than more Asian, you know?


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[Assistant] I mean, I show my pubes, you know what I mean? I talk about sex. I do crazy things, right? And he was in the back and he was like a traditional Korean dude. And he basically said, uhm, you're a disgrace.


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[Assistant] What about Daniel, Daniel Kim? I love Daniel. It's not him? He didn't say it to you? No.


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[Assistant] They're all so young there. These are too young. I know CS Lewis is cool. It's so funny. I, I, you know, keep going.


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[Assistant] Where? David Chang, right there. Keep it going.


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[Assistant] That's it. Yeah. Is he on the page? You know what's sad? I'm not even on there.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, okay. The reason why I'm like that, okay, it's not because I have low self-esteem, is I genuinely feel, and I've never said this out loud before, I genuinely feel that I'm the funniest one.


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[Assistant] I, I do, I, that's what's, that's why.


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[Assistant] The depression and me comparing myself. Yeaah. Kicks in because I truly believe


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[Assistant] Probably not. I'm not at all. I'm sure there's a billion Asian dudes way funner than me, but I believe I am. Right. As you should, by the way. As you should.


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[Assistant] I thought about why I do it, comedy and all that stuff, and it boils down to, a long time ago, I guess when I started doing stand up, I thought, if I can just do this, and make this amount, I could be happy. Right? And so uhm, I don't even know what my point was.


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[Assistant] Okay. So I thought, oh, you could just go up and do the most an hour a night, right?