[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were having like a ritual, you know, trying to have a trip, you know. It's kind of like doing DMT. Right, or ayahuasca, that kind of thing. Well, this is uh, yeah, this is specifically very similar to DMT. Okay. And so they're trying to have a fucking trip and like, you know, open their third eye and all that shit. And uh, so Nacho is getting involved in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's doing that now, which is better than his previous work, I'd imagine, you know? He- I- Isn't it weird?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he has manslaughter charges for this, but he never murdered anyone in any of his porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it makes you wonder, you're like, what am I doing if this is sex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And explain why. Because that is an improper stigma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, well, you are definitely phobic of some kind. I don't know. I don't want to use that word. That is a slur in our community. Sorry, sorry. But yes, no, he's liking it to film in like Jack, I mean, I don't know which movie Jack Nicholson raped a woman, but I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm into fair skin women. I'm over here fucking this tan girl and it's, I gotta pretend like I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your husband told me a little info about him that he discovered that he was too sick of having sex with women. It just bored him that he just started having sex with trans women as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's a lot to live up to and maybe that's why he did, yeaah, maybe that's why he did flee. Maybe he was like, fuck this. The guy is a real legend. I don't want to live in a shadow. Yeaah. I'm gonna go suck a couple dicks, have my dick get sucked a couple times, see what's up in Brazil, fuck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what if you were just like, you're making out with a smoke show girl. And then all of a sudden she takes, she's like, I have a dick. And you're like, oh, that's a surprise. And she's like, oh, you just have to touch it with your hand. Are you stopping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you gotta do the first, you gotta do that first otherwise you're not gonna want to after and then it's gonna be a real fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying if you were to follow through, if your conscious caught up to you and you felt that guilty. You know what I would do? I guess I have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is way worse. I'd get it out of the way, I'd be like, I'm so horny, I'm just gonna jerk this dick, and then, then I get to do-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How big are we talking? It's not that big. It's like, and it's like new, she added on? No, she's a guy. Oh yea, you're right. Who transitioned. I didn't know which way. She used her tit cup. Cause either way, I'm not, either way I would still have in the scenario. She used her tit cup, so it's a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet I could up the ante and then I could be like. You talk right into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't see it until you're already in the throat. You're making out. You're like, you're all goo'd up. You are snail trailing in the counter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you just gotta flick the bean a little while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I disagree, I mean that's a, that's relative to who you are I suppose, but I think it's another way. I think if you know a vagina, you can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can be better than Rocko. Nacho, don't run away from your destiny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really out there. Cause you're gonna cut it after your set. Yeah, or for my set, I haven't decided. Okay. I think I might do the set with the hair. I'm actually kinda, is this weird? I'm kinda digging it. No, no, it's a whole new thing. Like, it's like a skull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm just like, gonna look like a Grand Theft Auto person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what it looks like. I'm gonna take the chicken and put it over some rice. I'm gonna cook a little rice and eat rice with this. That looks fire. I'm gonna put it over rice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, is this, uh, Lance Smith on TikTok? Is that what you're asking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you knew what Ethan wrote? None of your fans are circumcised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. One soup and one salad. I'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine. Honestly, I get this all the time. You see, I was in a house fire when I was a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Question for the ladies. Why? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More times than I can count. Only to find out that they go for the douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, push away the guy that you're gonna be there for, treat him like gold, and not insult them. Just curious why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've thrown a couple out, but nobody's ever said that. No, I take that back. One, uh, one, uh, Romanian walked out the door because he said I was making fun of him calling him a gypsy. A Roma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy true story about the man that raised his arm and has not put it down in over 40 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm waiting for my quickie and I got a spray tan. Oooooh! Ha ha! Baby, we up outta here. I got sprayed down quickie style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not me, goddammit! It's not fucking me, I would never go that long without swearing!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Gene, good news, we got new merch. Shirts, hats, masks. MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura. Go get that shit bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Big news here, there's a new offer. Go to Saatva.com and get $225 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your purchase, go now, saatva.com slash y m h and get a new mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there Chomos? This is For Our Poly People Only. Uhm, feeling those energy today, those vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those ten millies, those were gonna be ten milly Tom today and I forgot them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I did, I did, uhm, IG live the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a 10mg Tom, little secret I was actually 20mg Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, yeaah, I'm starting to build a slight tolerance, so uhm, but I had my favorite thing about it, so I'm, I'm sitting there, I'm just chatting people up on Instagram live and, uh, you know, you were like, how's it going? I was like, oh, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say hi to people, and we just talk. You just jump in with people, right? And it was fun. People seemed to enjoy it. And I was like, wouldn't it be funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, uh, I laugh so hard at this. If I was like, if you're like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm just going to say hi to some, some people on Instagram. And then you're like, all right, I'm going to bed. And then you're like, I'm going to get a glass of water. And you come down the stairs and you just, you just hear me going like, yeah, yeah, now play with your clit. That's nice. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's like it turned all the, it turned the hustle off of life a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just talking to people and I just told them that dicks like it ain't cheating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, but you don't, you just position yourself as like, God, it just really would be nice to be fingered or eaten out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just talk about the doors for a second. In your perfect world, you're like, I'd love to be able to just go to the grocery store and get eaten out. That's what you're saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. One of the things I think that stands out to most people as like a classy person is the type of person that goes, eat me out in the parking lot of this grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I'm not, I'm not worried about any of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just say, line up, give me head, and deal with the consequences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of the worst fantasies I've heard. From you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, your suggestion of the grocery store. It's just so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, where were you? I was getting my pussy eaten in the parking lot of Ralph's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some scallywag just sitting there right after the show alone. She lost a shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just kind of broken and I walk out of the green room into the alley and she's just like, you know, like she looks sad, right? And then I walk out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what'd you do? Like, you know? And she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like, absolutely not. Not letting you on this bus. I mean, she's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that? Wait, I unzip my pants, I shove it in the, wait, I don't, I have disdain for her. I just go, I go one, two, three, I finish and I'm like, and then I put it away and she's like, she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, but you know what I do? As the bus goes by, I throw a couple tissues and I go wipe yourself like that. And then the bus pulls off. Is that permitted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wet poop on my lawn, and the lady's like, here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this actually is the best case scenario because we have, we've shown you neighbors that aren't friendly and we'll show you a few today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, this is a, yeaah, this is kind of the best case scenario where she called her out, I think the camera really has an effect on, you know what I mean? Oh yeaah. When you're confronted for bad behavior and someone has a camera, you're like, mmmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that I don't really get. Like how do you get to dictate, that's what grass is, right? A place where you can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but the point being though, what kind of, what is that? Like to say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want that on your lawn. That a dog can't poop on my lawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I saw a human being shit on my grass? Yeah. Yeah, I think I would. I think I would be like, Hey, hey, hey, excuse me. Excuse me. Did you just shit here? You shit on the grass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should, all I'm saying is please clean it up. Please clean up what you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long you think she's been doing that, dumping on public property?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not a new, it wasn't like today, she was like, I was, ugh, I just had to go. Right. It's part of the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's that thing about, you can even look it up about pooing, like, ins, indoors. Right. Uh, just on the floor, in malls and stuff. They have signs that say, don't poop on the floor here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm, that's the point I'm asking about. Because there is, there is a situation, you can look it up, look up, like, um, pooping indoors, China, you know, like, on the, they're pooping on the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, on a, on a real true squat down. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] China has around 800 million peasants. Peasants? I use the word peasants not farmer because most of them are really poor. Not well educated. Chinese government sacrificed the rights and benefits of four to five generations of these peasants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I don't know if this is really answering, but is it saying that this is a comment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no, I don't think there's any shame to attach to it like that. I think also if you come from like, extreme poverty, there's that whole, uhm, modesty is like a luxury. You know what I mean? You just like, I bathe like this, I shit like, they're not thinking in terms of like, oh I feel shame right now. It's just like, I have to go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady. This is right here, or she has kind of, is it a Canadian accent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely, she's shameless in how she did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go on a walk, go to my, take my morning walk, go to potty. Take a shit. Same shit, different toilet man. It's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, but some people don't. Now, I remember last year, this was more a, uhm, man, this was a, you could tell it was like a thing to provoke. You know, I, I think my, my guess of this right here is that it is kind of an extension of how someone was maybe brought up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's, you know, I don't think she's trying to like fuck with her neighbors or anything. I mean that's, I'm looking at a video and just making a guess. But I do remember that I think a year or two ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had, we played a video of, it was a high school coach of some kind. A high school coach was shitting uhm, on and around near the cross country track, remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they caught the person from like security cameras because they were kept finding like human shit everywhere and it turned out it was, I think somebody that worked at the high school. So that is doing, that is not tradition or anything. That is somebody who's trying to provoke, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what is this right here? This is a thrill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Punching a guy in the face. This is a thrill for some people. Look at Eni's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That powerful, but that feels like over and over on the same spot would get irritating. I shot a scene once where the actress slapped me. And dude, I'm telling you, they had told her to do it to get my reaction the first time. Cause it did get like, cause it was not in the script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she kept doing it, and I was like, hey. Because she wasn't a lightweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, you know, and she wasn't doing, there's play slapping. Like in, in movies and TV, you're supposed to like, you, you do it. Yeah. You hit with like these, like your fingers are kind of, and, and then you coordinate it, right? And then they do like kind of, she was just open fan hand hitting me in the face. And I was like, yo, yo, you weigh as much as me. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's being dominated and controlled by the pretty girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you wanna see the man collapse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. They're giving you straws again because of the pandemic. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck em. Uhm, and just to reiterate what we were discussing at the beginning, I think it's important to make a point here, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way they handle being in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, I'm working and yeah, you're not really, you know, you want to put things off and I accidentally got my neck stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, see, here's why they'll stay together. She, she has the one up of your behavior led to me, like, I got to humiliate you. Oh that's why I am. And then he'll, he'll use that when this is brought up. He'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For everyone to see, that was humiliating. So she actually got one up on him. And then all he got was his poor little dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's always the woman in those scenarios who feels the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It is, for some reason, I think it's just the dynamic of the man being more powerful. It can be entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could kill you and also he usually has a leg up in society. Yeah. So if the man does it, it does feel like this is bad. We gotta go. But when the woman does it, it's like, it's kind of entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just dick sucks. Should we do that shirt? It's just dick sucks. Dick Sutton ain't cheatin'. That's a fun shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if we're staying in the dick suck lane, why don't we just kind of get into...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enthusiastic, and I mean she has a good demeanor for making a video. Good presentation, but not the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's basically like, if you could come on a shirt, put that in the wash. If it's nice stuff, take it to the cleaners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially because I thought she was gonna give us like a trick. You know what I mean? Like something where she was like, you take a cotton swab. You get just this much vinegar. Club soda. Salt. And then you go, oh wow. She's like, take showers, rinse it off, wash it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so. Well, hydrogen peroxide. Hydrogen peroxide, that's a good one, I guess. I did not, I also can't say that don't use warm water. But I also don't know that that's true. Don't use warm water seems...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean if I could come on something I'd just fucking throw it away. What? Not in the garbage, I'm just saying I just don't deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like what I do, if I get any type of stain on anything, I'm just like, well, I guess I'll put this in the dirty clothes now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she put my cock ring in a nice little ziplock bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you, uh, why don't you, you're giving me shit today, but can you pull up the drip that I sent you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, ask my fashionistas. Check out this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it shows that it's brand new. It's also, for this, this is not like, you know, like, you know the plastic, uh, strip on a price tag. This is a different type of tag hanging, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As far as I know, yeaah. I mean, I can't, I would not feel comfortable taking this off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dick sucks ain't cheatin'. Now listen, uhm, so we had a, we had an actual real,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna bring this up. Yeah, I think it's worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a uhm, they moved a mailbox in our house. It was like in one section and then these guys moved it for me and they had to drill a new hole into the lock mechanism and they gave me a key. So they gave me the key and they just put some, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a tag on it, like a, what's it called? Like a post-it almost, right? And it just says mailbox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so I've been using that and it's on this counter when you walk into our home that has kind of some bullshit and a bunch of keys. So a few days ago by and Christina's like, have you gotten the mail? And I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, well, we should get the mail. It's been a few days. And she actually, you, you left, you were gone for a minute. I think maybe you were doing where my mom's at or something. And I was like, all right, I'm going to take care of that right now. So I go to that table and I start, and I, cause there's also a bunch of, um, unmarked keys, like loose keys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grab them all and I empty that table. So now there's nothing on it. Like there's nothing on it. It's completely empty. And I put all those keys in another area and I take them one by one to open the mailbox. And I spend a lot of time doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, maybe that tag fell off, you know, that said mailbox, so that's why I don't know which key it is. I spent a lot of time doing it and it's not, none of them work. So I'm like, fuck, we have lost this key now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, you come back and I'm like, you go, oh, were you able to, I go, no, I went through all the keys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of them work. I think we've lost that key. And uhm, you know, we're just gonna have to deal with it and get another key.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple days go by and it comes up again like, oh yea, we need to call that guy to have him fix it. I'm in like the living room with our kids and then you walk away and you come back with mail. And you're like, I got the mail. Like, how'd you get the mail? And she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I found the key and I go, where? Where was it? And she goes, on that table, like the table that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means that it's been placed there since then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, no, no, I found it. But I did, I found it. No, no, no, let me finish. I go, no you didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody found the key and then you picked it up from the place because it wasn't there. And there's only one way to describe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lost key in the place that keys go, and she just picked it up, she goes, now I found it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The finder is the person who found where it was when it was lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, marines and, uh, I remember rescuing them and then they give him a purple heart. Find out, he was in Pittsburgh. He was, he was at Primanti Brothers eating Sandys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you weren't in not, you didn't serve and you didn't find that key and I just want to make that clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you are a seeker, and you do find, and I give you credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if we were to tell the judge about this, they would throw you in jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that Claudia found it or anything, I just made that part up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just didn't ask her. But it, you know, it wasn't there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't understand. You don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna be so upset with you. These guys went to boot camp. They've been, they've been on tours. They know what it is to sacrifice for our freedom and for our country. And you're just like, oh, I'm just gonna walk in and take it away. And I don't give a shit. I'll just act like I went to boot camp too. You didn't go to boot camp and you didn't find that key.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not understanding guys. Oh my god. Cause I can tell in the booth, you're horrible jurors right now. You don't understand the full, we just need a better pre-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. Wait. But another pair we're on. So these are only for the office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I don't know what I'm looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me forgive you for stealing ballot. It does. It makes me think that, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, Jesus Christ. And I kept trying to get her to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we got a nice little patch of fake grass and the verdict. I love it. It's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these days, you know, cause they had fake grass when we were kids. And it was like, it was shit. Now it looks and feels like grass. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we should do? Why don't we call her right now? Sure. Let's see if she did. Let's see if she did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would say that here's the thing. She probably did find it and put it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made that keychain. I'm saying she probably found it and put it where you ended up finding it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell them one day, one day I will betray you in a way that you'll never ever forget?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, I know that's what I'm trying to say, he did a great job. Not Alan's fault. No, but you flipped about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'll tell you something. I get rock hard right away. Right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't lie to you. I... It's husband management. It's better management. I didn't lie to you. I presented the likely scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know because I, what happened was I go, I should text her and find out, you know, that you obviously stole the valor. And then in that moment I was like, I'll just say that I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bam! Check it out. This is not a game, man. I wear my whoop all day, every day. We're living in a wild time right now. Anxiety is at an all time high. And when we're stressed and don't sleep well, our immune systems take the hit and we're more prone to getting sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a big, big believer in using this whoop to monitor, report and study my sleep data. Uh, it is, whoop is best in class when it comes to sleep tracking. If you know when you're going to bed, based on how strenuous your day was, when you're stressed more than normal and how it affects your sleep, they give you all that feedback. And of course,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Combine with the data of the strain you're putting on yourself and working out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is an absolute game changer. So if you're stuck at home training, whoop has that built in strain coach helps you set goals. It's fantastic. Um, optimize your sleep and performance with whoop sleep better and get personalized insights for our listeners. Whoop is offering 15% off with the code, your mom at checkout, go to whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] W-H-O-O-P dot com. Enter the code YOURMOM at checkout and save fifteen percent off. Sleep better, recover faster, train smarter, optimize your performance


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it was. You're like, if I hadn't discovered weed, we're talking about weed consumption. If I hadn't discovered weed, I think I would be, you know, this other person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Do you know what I mean? But the tone is essentially like- So disrespectful. Like, hey idiot. Yeah. But you can do what I'm telling you to do. Yeah, like- But you wouldn't have this problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Can you think of another time you would talk like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like in school were you like, I'll fucking crack your head wide open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, the thing is now you realize that there are people that do, like you, we know who they are. You know what I mean? Like, the person, the Josh without weed person out there, there's a few of them where you're like, that person keeps fucking up. That person needs help. Keeps, keeps burning those bridges I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That reminds me, that's the time when I called that guy and threatened to kill him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they're real assholes though, cause my impulse is to be like, you know, you're a fucking dumb cunt. Yeah. To the flight attendant. Yeah, seriously. And then like, I'll just tell myself how shitty their life is. Me too. And then I'll just be like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'll try to let that sink in and then, you know, when the rage dissipates, then I can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I can go through the rest of that moment without wanting to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi. It's okay, I have the question for you. So, the other day we couldn't find the mailbox key and then it just appeared on the credenza table. Did you happen to find it and place it there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's it. Yeah, that's alright. We were just trying to find out why Christina is making up this story. But that's it. Thank you so much. I'll see you in a little bit. Thank you. Okay, bye bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lie, but here's the thing about the lie. Here's the thing. Let me tell you about the lie. I was gonna tell you the lie immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear. And then I immediately thought of this show. And I thought it would be better to tell you about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it's true, it's true. I was gonna tell you and I was like, it's better to reveal it on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was gonna tell you the next day too, and I was like it's, I think it would be such a waste to get that reaction not on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After somebody. We gotta talk to Ellis, we haven't asked Ellis. Oh, fuck off. You wanna ask Ellis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neither am I. And I did, I thought about this, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the moment, like, when you start registering, like, this person's being a dick to me. You know? You wanna be like, hey, what the fuck is your problem? I know. And then I was like, I dunno, I wanted to tell them, like, you know, I don't even fly commercial that much, so if this is what it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in the private world they just are different than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, and how about this, when people are like, oh, you know, they go through a lot, I get it, and then like, there's pieces of shit flying, of course there are, it's like, but, you know, if you're this miserable, like, do something else, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. How about some more confrontation? You wanna see some? Yep. You're gonna like this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's gonna cut down his neighbor's plant. Oh, that's against the rules. I can't do that. Come over the wall and trim my plant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the last thing I would have guessed, uh, it would be that that's, you know, not a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the voice is weird, but that's about it. Do you have, uhm, the runner? Do you have Stefan Diggs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but yea, I was trying to show you this with Josh earlier. New Buffalo Bills signee, Stefan Diggs, running 23 miles an hour on a treadmill. Uhm, pretty fucking fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's not hard. He's definitely not hard. But he's got all this change in his pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the funny thing is Josh posted this and like all the people were like, it's not running, he's on a treadmill and he's like, we're talking about his cock right now. Who cares? And then they're like, it's not real running. First of all, do me a favor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Record yourself running at 23.0 on your treadmill and see how that goes. And then show us your cock right after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Wow. You're gonna get some real interesting emails. Uhm. Look at that guys. I think we got it. You can put, you can change it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they were see-through. We didn't have trunks and then... I got in two places. Those are the dick shorts from the Dominicans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so I just threw them in the bag. We go to Miami and that's the only pair, you know, I wasn't traveling with multiple swim trunks. I put them on and then I walk in the ocean, I walk out, see through, completely see through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mean like you could see the outline. It was just a photograph. It was just fully clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had a friend with you who was like, nice to meet you too. A girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, in Miami, nobody was like, oh wow. It was just like the norm. Miami's just like, yeah, throw your dick out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking Asian bitch. Yeah. I don't know man. Hmmmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he brought, he put this out there. Yeah. It's a really wild message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a weird, it's that, it's not a 10 second or even, it's like 48 seconds apart is how they put the chirps, you know, so you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that we found this guy Shane that does karate and singing videos. And he does, so he does martial arts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like 380 and he's like, this is how you do karate. And he would just put on a demo and then he's like, I can just sing any song. So we contacted him. We were like, will you sing these songs? And he did. He sang Prince, Maya Carey, like all these songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then instead of making it like a bit, I did it for like 45 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One episode. And like the next week, our downloads went down by like 60%. This is like eight years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were into him, yea, but I mean, I think that I, I kept, I spent a lot of time prepping that, cause I had to like rip the audio and like, prepare it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I sew things and like I had him do, yeah, Emotions by Mariah Carey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pandemics affecting people in a lot of ways and there's a lot of, uh, things that you don't expect that kind of come up, you know, schooling, uhm, obviously medical supplies, uhm, people are hungry and there's just, there's only, there's so many things that are affected when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When an economy shuts down and basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You only have essential things that are allowed, and you gotta kind of put yourself in the mindset of, you know, maybe this isn't totally essential to you, but maybe it would be important to somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those things that I thought about, uhm, that I'm like, you know, we could maybe, uh, put some attention on this is the people who right before, right before,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the government said no, that's not important. And I think it is important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really important. It's important to be hot. Uhm, you should get your nails done. And if you're like, I don't know how to do that, you know, fucking figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And most importantly, get, I would say get those big tits. Like get them done, no matter what. Maybe have a friend help you. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a couple people have reached out to set up a fundraiser and uh, just to shed some light on the fact that there's people out there with small tits who are about to get big tits and now they can't. I think it's important to, to bring some attention to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's spread it out. Fox isn't covering it either. There's neither side. This is a bipartisan issue. I don't care who you're voting for in the election.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both groups have small tits in them. That's right. And both groups need bigger tits. Yeah. And, you know, it's just, I don't know. I just feel like if you smoke meth, maybe you can solve the issue. But if you don't, you're gonna, you're gonna be sad with your little titties, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you remember Winston? Winston Cave? The cool guy at the post office? Yes, I do. The P.O. Box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a follow up. Nooo. There's more footage. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, was that supposed to be, he's saying he was fucking around when he was in there? Or is this totally unrelated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is he asking his social media community to give him gas money? He's like, who's got some love for the caveman? Send me some money for gas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, actually, that's exactly what, uhm, big words. What Dr. Drew said when he was watching the other video. He said this is bipolar to a T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just going, no I won't, and then rolling up the window. Oh man. It's never gonna go good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love there's a comment up there that says, Donald Trump to the rescue. Like, like he was like, hold on guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I've seen like these videos too, also where, so I think it changes state by state where a police officer will give a command and then a really informed citizen will cite, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like those that give me your ID. I got a guy was walking around. He's like, what's your name? He's like, I don't tell you my name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, where does this say I have to give you my name? He's like, well, let me see your ID. He's like, no, I don't have to do that either. And I saw the guy had like a body cam on and he just talked circles around this cop and the cop was like, just get out of here. He's like, no, I don't have to get out of here either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just like, you know, but this is like the uninformed way of doing it. No window up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that was exhausting though. That's what it's like. We just spent like a moment with this guy. Imagine being around this all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He asked for gas money. So bail money is probably way longer than gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, where's that uhm, that cool, cool, cool-as-fuck-dude twitter game? Is that in here? The feed? Or do you have it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is, this is a tat too. The pig on the head with the snout. All those are tats. And he puts on his suction tit cups every day. And he plays with his tits. And can you scroll, like, go up there? Scroll under that profile description so she can read that. Yea. Can you make that area bigger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he writes, Dear interviewer, here is Pig's response to your question. Pig, he rephrases himself. Yes. Pig entered a BDSM, BDSM lifestyle at age 16. Oh. Upon discovering it in a porn magazine. The images and thoughts expressed of superior women possessing supremacy set the pace


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As for friends, Pig has none. Pig is a loner and has lived as such throughout most of his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not needing friends to keep pig whole. As for neighbors, they do not judge the pig face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pick his happy, living, alternative BDSM lifestyle and can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Superior women are the ultimate treasure in this world. Should we be respected and treated as such? Pig hopes, this answers your questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly what he said. Now the thing is, there's the pig tits, uhm, he mentions, you know, being in all these women, but everything about his profile is just all about like sucking cocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You suck a dick. And that makes sense with the property. Miss Talon's cuckold property. You know? Yeaah. Like where the superior woman is telling him what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whaaat? So this is from his, uh, twi- uh, Reddit account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's weird. Are they meaning like in memory of him on social media?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, justice meaning he was unjustly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, is there a bunch more of these, uhm, hashtags or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also has a, he had on that thing we saw yesterday, he was like, I want a shot of cum, like in a shot glass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that him in the suit there? Is that Norman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but the suit, the actual, there was a guy in a tie. You know what I mean? Is that him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you open, can you make that profile pic bigger so we can see if it's a photoshop? Or if it's an actual photo of him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that him or is it photoshopped? I can't tell. Does it look photoshopped?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. Or he just, he puts makeup and then it just gets hot and people are like, is there something on your head? You're like, oops. You wanna refi that home? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, can, when you click on that photo of him though. He's on the twits. No, no. When you click on the photo of him in images.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or he was on the phone. Does it go to like a website?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Does that go to his Twitter account where it says mortgage brokers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you click the photo itself at ca.linkedin there, does that actually go to an image? Like a larger...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, we gotta solve this mystery, guys. Let's make sure Norm's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's how I, I became aware of TikTok because you were playing her all the time. You were also walking around the house going, bitch,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know what this dude's drug consumption was like. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Particularly in the 80s, like when he was really raging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like a sweet one. That was actually really nice. Yeah. I was, uh, I was like, is he just swimming next to a bunch of trash?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I thought, is the background just all trash? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you listening, there's a lady enters the room of clearly a retirement home and there's a very elderly woman laying down, uh, with her mouth open, um, either asleep or dead. And then the caretaker goes, is she alive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I know what that's like when you're that old and you're seeing shit like, get going and be act and run up and down. And you're like, I can't even shut up. Got to just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I was, I was driving with my sister, this is years ago. We were going to a friend's house and we, we do this like, there's an S turn on the street, so it's like straight and then it goes like this and right where after we do the turn,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, what was that? And I was like, what? And she's like, there's something out in the field. Cause it was like, that turn went around a grass field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, no, no, no, we gotta, we're going this. And she was like, no, you gotta go around. It's one way streets. So I was like, oh my God, like we're just wasting time, you know? So now I gotta go here, then one way, one way all the way to go back around again. And then we're doing it. I'm like, what? And she's like, don't you see that out there? And there's a light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you can see a light coming in the middle of the field like, yeah, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I pull over, I park, and I realize it's a motorcycle. It's a motorcycle and the light is still on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I was like, that's strange. And then we look back and we see there was a fence that's now knocked down. I'm like, oh, so. And then you keep looking around and you're scanning around and then like, you know, 30 yards from that, there's a guy lay a body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, oh shit. So I tell her, call 911, and she's panicking, panicking, like really. And I realize as I'm getting closer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never been in that situation. So I'm, I'm getting nervous and I start going, you know, I look back on it, like how silly it is at the time, but I'm so nervous to be, you know, this close to this. I start going, sir, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm scared to touch and I just go, you know, I touch him on like the shoulder. Sir, sir. And I, I'm like, are you, are you okay, sir? And I keep, I touch his shoulder and then I just hear like, uuuh, like he moans, you know. And then he fucking sits up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when he sits up, his head flaps open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like the top of his head just is open and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, months later, I got a subpoena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, from the city, because they were like, they were charging him with a DUI, and I was a witness. So he lived, he recovered, and they were like, you were drunk, so this was the subpoena for the DUI, and I just threw it in the trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in LA and this was in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get Alice on the phone. Can we try to get Alice on the phone? Sure. Let me see if I can get him on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, I was real fired up. And I was fired up for everyone who served. Everybody. My father's a veteran, my sister's a veteran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great one. That's a really good one to put a nice bow on the episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to the UFC too, she's got a nice UFC shirt on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to, I smoked, you know, whatever, over 10 years ago. I used to take the same route to work every day and you don't realize that when you're in morning traffic on a route the same day that there's, if there's enough people work where you work that you're probably driving by people that you work with. And one day I had that post job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, uh, guy came to me, he's like, I saw you, see you on that hill every day. And I was like, yeah. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something you could do, maybe don't flick em, you know? And I was like, yea, I'm not worried about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was his way of trying to encourage good behavior. And I was like, I was kind of Josh Potter in that situation. I was like, how about I put them out on your fucking eyeballs? Oh, here she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Can I ask you, is Ellis near you by any chance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you tell him, can you ask him to get on the phone with me? I just wanted to ask him something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, oh, they're both there. Hey, Alice, can I ask you a question?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you find a key the other day and put it on the table in the front of the house? Did you find a key and put it there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our son didn't even know that he hooked you up. Okay. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it is lifelong about, oh you didn't really look, you didn't really look. And I spent like an hour and I emptied that table and I tried them all. So when you're like, oh it's on the table, I knew it wasn't on the table. It wasn't on the table, so that's why I got upset. Cause you were making it seem like I didn't spend time looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just explained it to you. You're saying that I found it, and I just got done telling you that I emptied the table, like there's nothing on the table. Not even the box or the clothes or the little thing, everything was off the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went out and I tried all the keys, and then when you go, it was on the table, it implies that I missed it on the table when nothing was on the table. You don't, that still doesn't register?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you always say that to me though. You can't say that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now instead of, I was going to apologize, now I'm going to get you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm gonna get you back. And I'm gonna get you back in a serious way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You absolutely, you tried to humiliate me at the end of this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you just watch and you watch how this audience is like, it is clear that Christina is stealing valor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys. It was a lot of fun. Uh, our closing song today. Do we know who did this one? I tried to tell, say who it was. Oh, by the, by the dead weight? The dead weights or the dead weights?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it's called Just Let Me Try It Out by the Deadweight Maneuver. Thank you guys, we'll see you next week. Oh, don't forget, you can get your, uhm, I'm Following Proto mask to wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During quarantine, or you can also do your meth mouth mask. Um, there's a Carol did it tee, long sleeve. There's a bunch of stuff from the special, like ball hog, nine is a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things of that nature. There's even a new That Bitch tea that is also in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We will, we will, here, I'm gonna hire a private investigator. And we will find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We will find out exactly to what extent you went to try to deceive me into thinking that you found the key. We know you didn't, so we will get to the bottom of this and there will be many follow up videos to come. Alright, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just took a poo right here on my property. And I have my kids playing right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on record for a moment. What is this place anyways? What is this place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a thrill motherfuckers. Light yourself on fire, light your brain on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're ever panicking with these XPS systems, just hang on there for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Money right now, money money right now. You're fired, bud. You just ruined your life. Money right now, money money right now. You're fired, bud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Money right now, money, money right now. You know what? You're fired, okay? You didn't fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nectar is gambling, I just saw him loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was misgendered. So this customer, she came up to me and she like needed my help. And so she was like, sir, sir, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I helped her in everything. And then the second time that she needed help, she was like, ma'am. She's like, and I got it right this time. And I felt so awkward. Like I didn't want to tell her like, no, you got it wrong. Like you had it right the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my pronouns are he, him, his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I wouldn't, nothing going inside me basically, besides that, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how much would you need? I don't even know what that stuff is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. So, so this is a like a fetish thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so she's in the room with me, or is she like on a tea-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shell gardens. Let's see. Not the shell gardens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I quite obviously disagree. Uh, I believe it's elementary. I think a lot. Where's this guy from by the way? Do we know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck. We might, uh, I mean, come on. Wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I do have a bit of an update. I, uh, I spoke to, well, on St. Patrick's Day, he wished me a St. Patrick's Day, a happy St. Patrick's Day. That's nice. And I said, how are you holding up with the quarantine? And he said, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, the quarantine with everything going on, he just said, I'm good. So I don't know that he knows what's happening out there, folks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he's, uh, blissfully unaware? Do you think he's not a news junkie? Uh, I don't believe so. He is more aware of some things. I think he finds the news articles that would help him create his content because I remember one about the president when he was talking about Black Lives Matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that kind of stuff, how he's like, if you're in Black Lives Matter and you want to come over, you can come over and beat up a white man, stuff like that. So I think he's, he knows that kind of news, but maybe he'll do some virus content soon. I haven't seen any though. That'd be great. Doctor, come dump, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You piss not only on skill level, but by how much piss it holds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How cool looks with PP in it? You're right. I should. I need to establish a, uh, rating system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so uhm, I give it, I give this place,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a Pissfots. Episode 5. We're gonna take her in the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- just don't like the bitches who ask for money. You're cunts. Isn't that what makes a horror a horror? Got me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cocksuckers. And it gets men in my business. Who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should be so much fun. You don't have to be just simply straight or gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello to everybody in the universe. My name is Randy Barnes from ONE. I love women. I love women with all my heart. I love talking to women. I love getting pictures from women. Friend requests from women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thirteen dollars a pound. Have I been eating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Monoatomic goldormous manna, superfood sprouted cruciferous vegetables, and Coca Cola.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate wiping my ass. I wish we had them bidet things that just spray it off for you all nice and clean and then you got a clean cotton towel to just dry the water off your ass. Be a lot better than smearing all the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Star Child. Not Star Child. Bitch shit's all that stupid shit, bitch shit, all these fucking asshole bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People need to realize that I am disabled. I'm just looking for some TikTok friends and to have some fun. Have a great evening. Go into the store. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone on TikTok needs to quit calling me a male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still looking for volunteers, but please, you need to be in New Orleans. I don't want guys flying in from all kinds of places just to come fuck this old lady. That's not appropriate, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you are over the age of 35, then I would love to have you come over and we'll do our thing and we'll record it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you have to be okay being on camera. Now if you need to have a pillowcase or something over your head, it's okay with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] SquareSpace, when are you gonna make that website you've been talking about forever? When are you gonna make a website to showcase your work, blog, publish content, sell your products and services of all kinds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Promote your physical, your online business. I love Squarespace because of the templates. They are created by world-class designers, and they're so clean and intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, and you've got e-commerce, you can sell anything you want to. You can customize the look and the feel. Everything is optimized for mobile because that's how so many people look at the websites we've built using Squarespace. Analytics, built-in search engine optimization, free and secure hosting, 24-7 award-winning customer support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. Go now. Check out squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pleaded, he's begged, he's put it out there, and now he's just gonna masturbate in front of you. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you know, you're right. You and I often enjoy the things that the audience doesn't. I'm not sure how that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like, uh, uh, uh, hasn't aired yet, but you will see, he asked for a puke bucket. What? Yes, and it was, so his eyes were watering, and it was hard for him. Wow, what part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the part where he, um, he makes white and it's a little chunky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't, we can't be normal, Tom. We're never gonna be normal. Hey, but, but, for real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a performer, and he's very charismatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, like, don't you feel like after you have about a diarrhea you do have to talk through it with somebody to get to the bottom of it and like, it's traumatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I haven't had diarrhea since we had tacos, three different taco places with Jesus Trio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I wake up this morning, let's see if we can do back, like, uh, shartlock on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I walked, I did, I, I coffee, and I took a normal dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was no bidet. There's no washlet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you making that face? You're not into the Toshi in the office?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what he does, what Nadav does is he fills his anal verge, that's what Dr. Deuce does, with water and then he flushes out his own anus. So that's what he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a show. What a dynamic show already. Yea, this is really something special. Coming and shitting. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a theory, I know, I know. Okay, so there's a person, a woman on TikTok that I follow that's a bearded lady, and she's been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have a fucking beard. I'll tell you why. I got sick and tired of lasering. I got sick and tired of shaving. I'm just gonna be who I am, okay? It's hormonal. I can't do a fucking thing about it. Leave me alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like if that was my situation, I would, I would be working full time and vigilantly to not have that. That would be my only purpose in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she putting on a fake accent? I thought, I thought I was, or is she Irish? I like English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way, Tom. Okay, question. Who's the hottest girl in the world, supermodel, whatever? Who's like the hot chick right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, that's, she's your lady and then she grows a beard. Do you drop her or do you keep her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, do you think that, okay, so you shave it, but then there's stubble, like so by the end of the day, she's still gonna have stubble. Okay. Right? So how do you, you two would have to laser it, I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well especially things you can control, like this for the most part can be maintained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Tom. Misogyny and patriarchy, yeah, go. It's, I know, she's telling you that society doesn't dictate how she feels about her beard, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, do you think there is a man that would holler at this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of man would be with this lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No fucking way Zola's taking that. He's young, attractive. Absolutely not. No. No chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's disgusting. Listen, this is a woman's choice to shut her vag down. This is what's happening here. There's certain levels to it, right? First is buying Birkenstocks. You start to wear Birkenstocks. You decide that you don't want male attention. And then maybe you buy cool-ot pants, you know, or jorts or whatever. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what happens is that under the feet there's a black rim or you know the black outline of where your dirty toes are all the time. That's how you can tell. I hate this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. I don't ca- I can't take you seriously enough, Burke. But- But this is one of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, but this is the last stop in the woman's world before letting your beard grow out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've given birth to two of our children. It's a small price to pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks. Does he say anything funny while he's fingering your butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not a bad, inherently bad thing. It's a good start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright, come on. I've been really enjoying the, um, flurry of corporate emails. Every corporation is BLM right now. It's really authentic. It feels really good. Lulu Lemon supports Black Lives Matter. Thank God. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, it's not nothing. What are you doing? Do you even have black people in your organization at the top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, and then that actor video got passed around where they were apologizing, what was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. I mean, look, I'm supporting the cause and I, but there's some of it's just so insincere. What it is too. This is nutty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's such a good actor that night. Jesse from the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Tom, whenever you do this, just for your future acting, you have to pray prayer hands and then you look down, you take a breath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it is so, it is an acting thing. Actors are so intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're avoiding crowds right now any way we can. And that means not going to the post office. I mean, look, under normal circumstances, you really want to go to the post office? No. That's why we use stamps.com. It brings all the services, the US Postal Service right to your computer and the safety and comfort of your own home. You can do your invoices, your shipping of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the best part, they now have UPS! That's right, you can do UPS shipping. You simply print the postage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you schedule a pickup and they come to your house. And like I said, stamps.com, you get great discounts, 5% off first class stamps and up to 62% off shipping rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com is a no-brainer. Saves you time and money. Right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter Mom. Stay safe, my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if they put that slogan on those Doritos, they'd sell a lot more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let me tell you this though, this video won me over until he started air humping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think now I'm beginning to think he does care for my needs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you do him? If he had his teeth, I might consider just like, I'd kiss him a little. Just to be, like if he was in a bar and he was doing this racket and it was fun, you know, like when we're on vacation somewhere and this guy's in the bar and he's like, let me hit you girl, and we're fucking around, I might kiss him on the lips a little. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like, you know, I'd like dirty dance with him a little just for fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys never fuckin', such pussies. I mean, you never, you never- Drink a gallon of bleach. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh I know. She must get UTI's constantly from his dirty dick and balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, so you guys, you and your boyfriend were in our pool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, it's been windy. It was very windy the last couple nights before. And I go down and I look in the pool, I go, Jesus, it must have been the wind blew all this dirt in the pool because it's so cloudy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this is, I was gonna go for a swim, I'm not gonna swim now. Anyway, you and your boyfriend leave. An hour later, the pool is crystal clear. And I go, oh my god, these two animals were so filthy with your sweat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your dirt that you clouded the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were gonna put some aloe vera on your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, do you know what's crazy is that I remember getting burned so much as a child. Yeah. Like, your whole summer was just getting sunburned and I remember just laying in the bed and my mom would put solar cane on me and I would just be like, like freezing from the mental, feeling of the mental or whatever the fuck it is, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I get the feeling this is more for mom than the kids. And I'm getting the feeling that there's no dad in the picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no dad, and this woman is getting all her love and affection from these two children, which is really sick and weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's Paul McCartney. Yeah, I don't, I just think this is not developmentally good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think it's a healthy development to separate your- especially when you have boys. I don't know what it does to girls to do this to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even last night, Essies was like, you know, and the babies, they like to play with, they touch them, they're fatty, and they're laughing and stuff, but they know that it's, they're not still sucking on my titties, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These two mushmouth kids, do you understand what the fuck they're saying? Yeah, I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know! Well, trying to keep them developmentally behind, which is what this is doing, is not cool. No. To be seven and still breastfeeding is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I mean, I've never seen this before where somebody digs a hole in the dirt and then they put their penis in it. I mean, I don't imagine the friction is enough. How do you know you're digging not too fat of a hole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you save that clip for Drew? I would like to show him the guy fucking a sand hole. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to hear of a guy who had a mattress and then he would put a peanut butter sandwich in between the, you know, you have two mattresses and a box spray and he put a sandwich there and then he'd fuck the sandwich and that to me seems a better idea than sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe lubricated, like we were saying, maybe more hospitable environment to the penis than, uh, sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got two options. You do what this guy is doing in the dirt. You do what Ari just did. Or I give you the sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you do the sandwich in the between the mattress scenario, but with an audience. We sell tickets and people get to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, you're doing it and then just strangers can walk in and see you doing it in this hotel. No, I'll pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stupid. This is a, a jeweler. Jeweler. It looks like her name's Christine, like mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just wearing like a back brace. It's not light, I doubt it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. That's terrible. I'd rather get Rona than wear that fucking dumb thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, when I worked at Starbucks, there was a rumor that they were gonna make us wear hairnets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, nah dude, I'm gonna fucking quit before I wear a fucking hairnet as a barista. This shit is, this is so humiliating. This is way worse than the hairnet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's wearing a mask AND the shield? You don't think that's overkill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Geez. But did they send out the email to Black Lives Matter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really special. That's very sweet. Taking 14 years off the career, that's gotta be hard on the ego too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, I do find him to be so bullshit. That's my problem. There's so much inauthenticity in him. I just, I wanna know the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'd say an interesting analysis with Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about it in further depth on Dr. Drew After Dark. He brought up, can you bring up what we were watching and that Drew noticed, which was fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so he had a different perspective on what's going on and I think it's really interesting. And now that you say the crying thing, it kind of makes more sense. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, Drew noticed, he goes, look at that, look at his jowls, right? Like he's got some jowls here, and then he goes, pull up a younger picture of Garth, and we looked up a younger picture of Garth, and he doesn't have these jowls, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look at his eyes, okay? They're not very clear. They're kind of alcoholic-y eyes, would you say? Uh-huh. And Drew's theory is that he's drinking a lot. Now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now he's been drinking for years. He thinks that he's got a drinking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aha. So there you go, he might have inherited


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which would make sense, like he's sad, I mean look how sad he is. What I, and Drew's interpretation was from that prism of alcoholism, maybe repressing a lot of emotions, and then when somebody, what are you laughing at? No, no, no, yeah, I'm just listening. And like when someone sits down and asks you, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe nobody asks Garth about this kind of shit in his life. You know what I mean? And then we do like an interview like this and it all comes up because he's been stuffing this shit down for years. Yea, he wants to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because I don't know if anybody in his life is really having these, look Trish is eating her feelings, we know that, so he's probably doing the same, you know, they're not, these two are not good with feelings, put it that way. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he and Trish have kids too, or just- No. From the first- Yeaah. He just has his three daughters. Yeaah, so. Yeaah, she was a real-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they stopped having feelings. Oof. That's not Trisha. That's the first wife, right? Yea, yea. He likes blondes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so, you know, it could be alcohol. He's drinking. That's what Drew is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, I believe it. It would make sense. The weepiness, like, you know, he's got a lot of sense and he's got a dark side that he's not embracing. Remember that whole Chris Gaines alter ego thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I will, I will, I know. I keep falling asleep at night. I'm so tired by the time I go to, uh, lay down with you at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's one thing we stand for here at your mom's house, it is a clean beehole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why we're huge fans of the Tushy. The Tushy is a bidet attachment that clips onto your existing toilet and sprays your b-hole completely with clean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fresh water, because you know what, when you take a sloppy brown like I did this morning, you can't just take dry paper and mush, mush the caca. Forget about it. That's how you get UTIs, itchy assholes, skid marks, hemorrhoids, yeast infections.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forget about it. Get the tushy. It cleans your b-hole. And forget wet wipes. People say, why don't you use it? No! Wet wipes are terrible for the environment. They cause anal fissures and you don't want that beautiful anus of yours fissuring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. I can't recommend it enough. Try the Tushy now. Here's what you're gonna do. It's only $79. Go to hellotushy.com slash your mom to get 10% off your order. Tushy. Can we watch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, suppressing her ego. It's a spiritual quest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought ego. No? Okay. It's spiritual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wonder if her theory is correct that when you eat spicy, it makes your poo poo spicy. I wonder if that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Case closed. Yeah, I don't even need if we need Dr. Do we need Dr. Drew? I think we got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that chicken wing does look tasty, and I hope she enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. These walls are up. Mine and Maya, my daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my stomach hurts. Yeah. I like that. You know what I like about this talk is the subtlety is those little things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not aware of anything, which really helps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a big thing on the talk is where people have partners that don't understand that they might like to duet with other talkers. That they are on the talk and that they might get DM'd or hit up by potential other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what we call in the FBI is a tell. You know, sometimes people, they say a statement, but then they have a tic. Now, I don't know him, I don't know what his baseline is, but if someone goes, I'm not gay, I'm a fiance, I love her so much. And then they like, have a tic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm guessing, but this is a rare find in a King Ass Ripper sort of lane. The guy that posts this for the world to see is pretty special. He's unique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shonia Stacks. Oh, you're missing it. You're missing the tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was an update from our Juggalo guy who had the face tats and things are really moving along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does look better around his mouth. I will say it does look lighter in his chin there. That does look better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's not a bad idea, cause then you only have to do the under the eyes, above the eyes, the eyebrows, above the eyes, the sides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know I had a dream last night, and this is a reoccurring dream I have, that I'm covered in tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it might be because I found some really crazy shit lately in the world of tattoos and piercings and things. Yeah. But, and I dreamt that your sisters were making fun of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For my tats, and then I got blackout drunk, and yeaah, it was really neat. But there were shit tattoos, like tribal, the bands, you know? Yeaah. It was really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the neatest part about this whole video is how did they get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So these are two fat people on motorized scooters, and they're on the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be so embarrassed to, to ride in that motorized scooter. If it, if the reason I was, had to use one is cause of my own fatness, I'd be so embarrassed. Like, I don't think I could go out in that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't even walk. I just wouldn't go outside. I would just stay inside and get so fat and just die on my couch. Like I wouldn't even want to go to the beach, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I just think the elderly are an untapped thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarity. And you know, TikTok doesn't want you to laugh at the elderly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is, I'm not on drugs, I am drinking, but I can't, cause I'm 35 years old. Tom, don't you get it? She's 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they look really amazing and I just thought that was interesting to see how they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one is insane, so this person is transitioning to a female, so he's got, you know, gender or trans stuff, and then the face is tattooed, his tongue is bifurcated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which means cut in half and then it looks like there was a plug in the side of the nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's a hole, yeaah. Those don't close up, what we learned from Drew. So if you get plugs and stuff and you stretch out that skin, it doesn't, it never, never shuts. So think twice about getting that stuff. Yeaah. Isn't that gnarly? Oh, oh, and his eyeballs are tattooed red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we're worried because you're young and attractive and you could probably look a lot better if you had teeth, you know? You're too young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I'm attracted to you. Which leads me to this email I received a while back. Hi Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Tom has Asperger's. I think that because Tom and I are very similar and I have Asperger's. Yes, that's a form of autism. It's also hereditary and very important to be diagnosed early. That being said, it might also help Tom understand himself better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I ask is that you take me seriously and look into it. I'm not going to link anything. Anyway, do your own research, I implore you. Uh, this is because you're laughing at the stuff that's violent. The, uh, the man getting his legs crushed video. And this gentleman says you might have a mild ass burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. There's a few people. No, I don't think you're Asperger's. I do think you enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think there's a little bit of unchecked cruelty and anger in you that society hasn't squashed and you like to watch it. Like you, you tapped into the darkness inside of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I just think that you enjoy the dark side of the force a little in yourself and you're not ashamed of it. That's true. And I don't know if that's a fault, I don't think it's a bad thing. I don't think so. I just, cause I enjoy these and these are pretty fucking dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did you give, like, a good argument? What was your reasoning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was for like public speaking class. It was a public speaking class, yeaah. Yeaah. And that's funny, I mean that's a good, and how long was the speech? I don't know. Like 3 minutes, 5 minutes maybe. Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, a young Tom Segura spreading his creative wings. Who knew that would be the foundation for your comedy, basically, which is like, oh, everyone sucks, I'm normal, I wish I could kill everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh wow, that's so interesting. Now we got full circle because that's what I was saying. Like you enjoy that part of your mind. Yeah. That society puts a choke hold on and doesn't let you act out on. That's the whole part of being socialized is that you don't say or do things. Right, right. You're not. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you would make a talk like that for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you really do it? Yeah, yeah, I would do it, yeah.


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[Assistant] Is that his name? Yeah, well, that's at least his nickname.


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[Assistant] I, uh, I actually tried going through my text to find out who actually sent it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, well, if they're not picking up my call and I suck at texting because I don't know how to flirt through text, I'm like, I'll just send a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, if I got that, I would have saved it and sent it to a show seven years later.


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[Assistant] You guys broke it down pretty well too. Like, I gotta show off the office. At the time it was new.


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[Assistant] Somewhere out there, there's definitely Instagram DM videos of modern day Charles, like within the last year. And I was like, and then it just never worked. Not one DM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's definitely DM videos out there, modern day. I don't know, you know, I don't know who's got them, but it's definitely Instagram messages.


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[Assistant] And now it's so much better being older, you know, like as a guy.


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[Assistant] Uh, nothing on Facebook, no text, random text.


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[Assistant] So I replied through the YouTube, one of the YouTube, uhm, comments, and then people, I just got text, my, my cell phone's out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, LA, I, I don't know what the dating scene's out there. My sister's in Santa Monica. You guys are in LA? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wouldn't even, I feel like dating on the East coast is so much easier.


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[Assistant] I wanna find out who this girl is, I'm gonna reply to her. Please do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are the worlds only female autistic savant twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give them a date and they will instantly compute the day of the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flo and Kay can name the artist of any song from the 60s, 70s or 80s.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and just acknowledge what's happening in the world, and just say that we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, my heart is so heavy and it's, I'm physically, my body aches from watching what's happening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why am I crying? I'm so emotional now. Yeah, because it's been an emotionally charged week. And like, the thing that kills me is the officer had his fucking hands in his pockets. It was so like, meh, no biggie, I'm just doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's scary, it's sad, and it's just hard, especially as a parent too, you just think like, what is the world? How do, how do, what's gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, the police, you're supposed to trust the police of all people.


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[Assistant] We didn't want to be total, like, oh guys, nothing going on here, let's talk about farting. The farting's coming. It's coming, don't worry. And also, I'd like to say too that one of the ways our marriage has been affected by this is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've noticed that you haven't even made any big tit comments to me in the last few days. You haven't told me how big my sloppers are or that I need bigger tits. What's up with that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but see, you have to understand that you're constant belittling, no pun intended, of my huge tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's comfort for me. It's, it's what gives me normalcy in the world. You shitting, you farting and making a production, you making fun of my taste. It's what I rely on for stability and that's how I know you care. So I feel like you don't even care if you're not making fun of my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a second time, I grew up here, ugh, in the 90s we had the same. Not even the same, this is way worse, way worser. What? Than the riots. Back in 92 I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying it's horrible that I have to go, look, this is the second time, this is like another, I can't believe it in my lifetime, it's again and again, like the same shit. That's part of the frustration. Fucking hell. That's part of why people are very upset. I'm just expressing myself, and I'm not very articulate when I get very emotional like this, so I try not to talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was really good. It was really amazing. So I hope this helps you today in this dark time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ExpressVPN, you know that it protects your privacy and your security online, but here's something you might not know. You can also use ExpressVPN to unlock movies and shows that are only available in other countries, right? We're all, everybody's watched the entire Netflix catalog here in the US. What about the UK catalog? You can watch-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doctor Who and all kinds of great stuff. It's so simple to do. I just fire up the ExpressVPN app, change my location to the UK, refresh Netflix, and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of it. You can stream everything compatible with phones, media, consoles, smart TVs, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you visit my special link right now at ExpressVPN.com slash Your Mom, you can get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Support the show, watch what you want, and protect yourself with ExpressVPN at ExpressVPN.com slash Your Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will tell you that it's not just your sisters that talk that way.


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[Assistant] But it's not just your sisters, it's like, it's like girls today. Cause I was listening to recordings from the 90s and women did not talk like that until, until


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what they sound like they're only able to talk about. When they talk that way, right?


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[Assistant] Wait, what, senior week is when you go on a trip with your class?


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[Assistant] Clean the room. So all your friends, they got scallywags? Yeah, I mean. It's all, it's all sluts like that. Yeah, yeah, you're just fucked up all week, you know. Oh, and you're like, who wants to hook up? You don't even have to say it, you just like.


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[Assistant] Four or five, and then would you hook up with a girl like, did you take turns hooking up or you guys just fuck in the same room?


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[Assistant] Oh my god. And then were your boyfriends in the room too? My boyfriends? Sleeping? You know what I mean? Or did they leave? No, people would leave.


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[Assistant] When you were on spring break with your boys.


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[Assistant] Did you guys listen to Skinnerd and stuff? Which were a lot of like, all I picture is you douchebags like sitting in a pool area, like a cheap hotel pool. Yea, that's right. And then it's like, der der der der.


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[Assistant] Oh no, we were Pink Floyd or something weird. You guys are fun. I shouldn't call you guys douchebags.


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[Assistant] My culture was, like my college was so different.


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[Assistant] Hey guys. I can't imagine you. Just put it this way, I would rather, I would rather watch vomiting videos than go to Spring Break with you. Oh, I know, I know. That time in my life.


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[Assistant] We would not, we would not be compatible in college. No way. Or in high school. That was two different sides of the tracks, man. We were the lightning crew.


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[Assistant] Did you get an STD from Spring Break? No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the girl looks clean. She probably is.


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[Assistant] There's a lot of stuff they taught us that just wasn't right in sex ed. Uh, pull out method totally works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can see that about you, as sweet as you are, a 20 year old horned up Tom Segura.


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[Assistant] Just give me, paint a picture of one of the, uh, this one's a real dog.


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[Assistant] There she is. You beautiful lady.


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[Assistant] Oh, forget it. That is the shit. Like when you're making fun of those girls, they drink rum based drinks. And they like different drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's good. What is that? I should be drinking that. But then who likes to- I don't want to drink vodka every night. I like to drink wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were watching that Netflix movie, The Wrong Missy.


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[Assistant] Loved it, I LOL'd harder than I have in a long- I don't laugh at comedies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To Lauren Lapkiss. Yeah. And I, she answered me back with a cute little cat sticker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of, what was the scene? Oh, so Missy, just put it, this girl is basically ruining his life. And do you remember that scene where she was drinking, drinking all day, and then she drinks the hand sanitizer because it has alcohol. I mean, there's so many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and she is, and I'll tell you too, to play that crazy character, Lapkiss, Lauren Lapkiss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to ground it in some reality. Otherwise it's too stupid and she manages to do it so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. Anyways, it got shit on by the critics, and I'm like, I don't know, okay, what do you guys want? It's a, it's a rom-com. It's a silly, fun movie. You don't like laughter, you fucking pieces of shit critics. You don't enjoy a good, silly comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, if you guys are looking for something on Netflix, check it out.