[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she walks out, he goes, hey Julia. So she turns around, has a quick conversation, asks for her number, and she goes, how about I take your number?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, his style, so yeaah. Yeah, and it called, called his phone, so now he has her number. Wow. Then he sends her this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually she shows this video to her friends and they're like, what the fuck? Yeah, of course. And then they get her to do, um, to ask him for a couple more. So he ends up sending another video, which we don't have in here too. We should get that one, but, um, it's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why I think this is the most humiliating video in a way? Is that there's a part of this video of this guy doing this that resonates with everybody where you go, I get, you thought to do this, but then you go, don't send that video. Don't make it, don't send it. But everybody knows the feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's, that's what it is, is that it's, it's relatable, like you know, it actually-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a kind of, uh, famous d-bag guy here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean the one thing of substance that he said is to be responsible, take your ubers, your uvers, yea, ring and drive, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to say I like to watch TikTok or YouTube, but I don't really like to describe myself that way anymore because if you think about it, that's not really something you do. Something that pulls you in. Made me feel connected. Like I know this person, but I don't really know them at all. And you're like, okay, that's like kind of a cool snippet, a summary of this person's moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you pull up the image of, I actually, so this is, I'm purposely not giving you the text on the screen, and I actually want you to read his quote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, his actual quote is so amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does feel like, and the look is like, hate is actually ignorance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you, you read this out loud, and this whole thing is what's posted next to his photo, and it's so amazing that I just, we can't stop talking about it, but this is real. We didn't write this. We'll show you that it's actually on the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing is that I was like really leaning on, it's like in comedy. Yeah. The person who goes, I'm so fucking funny. I'm the funniest, I'm the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you got tired of fucking thousands of chicks, you know what you'd probably get into next? Dogs. Fucking dogs!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an unnecessary amount of weight too. Like to get, to work this out. And you don't need to do it. You know what else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he was banging, like, fives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then getting caught totally obsessed on him makes a lot of sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, I'll say this, Rex, I hope you reach out to us. Hell yea. Hell Rex is doing his hip thrust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it has them going, wow, I bet he could really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta reach out to Rex. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five years is a long time. That's too long. Especially if you're actually having sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then did you get them, you know, checked on? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Justin, I really like your videos and I hope you continue to do them, uhm, and me being blind. Please, I'd appreciate you, uhm, doing them to where I can hear and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be interested to know what you were showing in the picture since I'm a blind person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one sausage McMuffin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what I would do if anything happened to anybody in the audience or to any-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people over the years have asked me, Christina, is it true that you really, do you really sleep on a sofa mattress? The answer is yes, I do. I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This company, um, SAATVA, that's the name of the company, the highest quality


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sleep on the Solaire every night. It goes up, it goes down, it vibrates, it lights up. I mean, it's the best. And then uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luxury Firm, that was our first one. And the Lumen Leaf, which is amazing as well. They're all great. Get yourself a king-size mattress. Go to sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Sotva purchase. Again, sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be able to put your ego aside and go, I'm a dumb fucking baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was doing Spanish for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read the telegraph to get my English news, but I, I, you know, it's always good to grow your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how they, remember when we tried to explain to Nadav that Italian food is totally different than just red sauce? Yeah. And he just like, I don't think you understood that what we meant by that. Like they don't just eat calzones. Well, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's dope. That's a dope insult. And I think we should adapt that to English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do talk with their hands a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sold out in every city like some people. Neither am I. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. Alright, uh, guys, I'm super stoked to announce this drops when, night of May 20th? Oh, I'm at the Irvine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Washington DC, July 15th and 16th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Francisco at Cobbs Comedy Club, July 29th and 30th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] July 31st, Seattle, Washington at the Neptune Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope our kids have this type of attitude when something bad happens to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, what a great attitude this guy had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not for me. Like you know you've done it when you've been out in the ocean and maybe you come up on a reef, like a coral reef and it's shallow. You can't remember how that happened and you're panicked because the water level's here, the reef is here. Like I've had to delicately swim over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and you're just the panic, you have to like stay calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. I don't like this hobby. Fuck your hobby, fuck your lifestyle. Don't do this to yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you love it, that you do it in your free time and you've done it for years and years and years, who better?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can poorly oil paint. I've started oil painting. Uhm, I'm terrible at it. I gave you my first masterpiece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Special, I'm trying to think if I have any other useless skills. No, no, I can tell a fart joke and lighten the mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think one of the blessings in the skies of being middle-aged is that you accept your limitations thoroughly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have the resources to outsource those limitations. Like I can't do this thing, but I can pay a guy fucking 30 bucks to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No time for that shit. Not in this life. Now, actually, I lied. I have one fantastic hidden skill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, yea, definitely because I'm a woman. It is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, in pure Texas fashion, I show up, hey, y'all, lunchtime, we gotta go to- and I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, right? So I wait an hour in the parking lot for lunchtime to be over, right? Till the fucking waddling employee comes back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had my coffee, and then I hydrated on top of it. And I'm like, dude, I gotta fuckin' piss. So I walk up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're closed for lunch too, and I got a full tank. I'm ready to piss my pants. Now thankfully in our car, you tint out the windows like a real gangster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I go into the car, I go in the backseat, cause that's extra dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I positioned myself perfectly. I mean like, perfectly over that and I pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the canteen. And I have to tell you, I fucking filled that bitch to the top. That's how much piss I had. It was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and here's the problem, is that I let our boys piss, like, in our backyard, I let them pee outside, cause they're boys. I get it, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were at the, uh, this farm on Saturday and Ellis was jumping on the Jumperoonie thing and he's like, mom, I got, I gotta pee. And then he just runs to like the corner of this public place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just to know, but if they can change them, it will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'm always at risk of offending them because I don't know what their pronouns are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, so this one's been floating around the TikTok world is there's an account of down syndrome people that also like to dress in drag. I don't know if you've seen this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know that they know what they're doing, cause here's the deal. I can dress Bitsy up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. My dog lets me put anything on her. Your dog? She doesn't know any better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, certain people don't really give consent to do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they, I don't know, do they? Again, I could put Bitsy in like a Nazi uniform, or no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like their songs. Can you please look at the playlist? So I wanna go down memory lane with the kids over the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like the kids of Whitney High because it was something productive that they all, this kids had a purpose and they, didn't they do concerts and stuff and they sold the CD and it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, however, drag syndrome to me feels more, I don't, I don't feel the same sense of community that I did with the kids at Wavy High. This feels more exploitive, right? Like dressing them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that that's, do they really know what drag means? What the community means?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better watch out or the insects will get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For most of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point in our academic careers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, thanks to Babble, the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions, there is an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language, whether you're traveling abroad, connecting in a deeper way with family, or you just have some free time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babbel teaches bite sized language lessons that you'll actually use in the real world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so easy because you can just do it in the free time you have. I just do like 15 minutes a day and it's just fantastic. I've really learned a lot in such a short time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many ways to learn with Babbel. In addition to lessons, you can access podcasts, games, videos, stories, and even live classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus it comes with a 20 day money back guarantee. Right now, save up to 60% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash mom. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash mom for up to 60% off your subscription. Babbel, language for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Symptoms can include lack of motivation, feeling helpless or trapped, detachment, fatigue, and more. I mean, who hasn't gone through a funk? Believe me, and the best thing you can do is to help yourself. Go to therapy, why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Help yourself! We associate burnout with work, but that's not the only cause. Any of our life roles can lead us to feel burned out, and BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing stress in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Your Mom's House listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Mom's House. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This content? On the fucking red table? On a Facebook show? Right! Bitch, not even like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal, that's how my husband shows love, he works really hard. Oh yea, and then he forgets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal man, we're adults. So if I want something, if he wants something, we go to the store, we buy it. I don't have to wait for Christmas or my birthday because I'm not fucking five years old anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, to celebrate. Yeah, we're alive. I don't have breast cancer. I just had my mammogram and they said my tits weren't the biggest that they've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the first taste of it. I remember, it was the bicyclist, the bicycle enthusiast community was living. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I remember the bit was great because I think about it even today. Tommy, you know, what if I just did a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It never really works. Cause we can keep renaming somebody, right? They're not retarded, they're special needs. Uh oh, they're not special needs, they're special able. Oh no, they're not special able. Do you know that you don't call it, uhm, lip reading anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. I heard it. That's how I heard it. I was listening to like, uh, Dr. Laura or something. And somebody called in and said it. Who would do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, I think he's on the spectrum. I think he might be Aspergerie. Like I think he's mimicking human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so wild and it never occurred to me, like, you know the guy wearing the yellow jumpsuit is collecting trash as a prisoner? But it didn't occur to me until the other day, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this idea though of having them teach school children. Like, imagine if you really got to know somebody that's like a reformed criminal and they could tell you all these great stories and scare the shit out of you. It'd be kinda great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, cause she's, the weight is symbolic of other stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also one has to wonder what kept her off the dating market for a decade, like, why are you not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emotional release. And then also what kind of guy is she going to be able, like, let's, let's talk realistic expectations too, right? Cause she's a 39 year old single woman. She doesn't say she has children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this one's a big, this one's definitely close to our YMH heart. So my husband of 16 years just expressed his disgust with using the bathroom after me and seeing my leftover poop smears in the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My immediate response was, it's a toilet. That's where shit goes. And after thinking about it for a while, I approached him with, you don't seem to mind putting your dick in my ass, but poop in a toilet is gross. WTF.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I wrong here? Should I be cleaning out the toilet every time I take a brown so I don't upset him? It seems silly to me. What do you guys think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tend to agree, like, Tom and I talk about shitting a lot with each other, but we don't actually shit in front of each other. And if I leave streaks in the bowl, I always clean them up, cause I don't want him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not even a gender specific thing, it's like if Tom leaves his streaks, I'm gonna be grossed out. If I leave streaks, it's just don't leave streaks bro, you're right, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50 year old Jewish lady would see these young cutie patootie girls in LA and go, you're too frumpy, you're too fat. If you want a millionaire, you need to be under the age of whatever 35 and you need to weigh 120 and you need to be hot. You're not those things. And she would flat out, remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe, you know, people that teach it can't do it themselves. I don't know. The cobbler, what is that? The cobbler whose children don't have shoes? Fucking stupid saying. I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but Brian, if somebody was like, first thing in the morning, out of the shower, scale of one to 10, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just thinking about this dynamic because, I mean listen, I, especially now as like a, an immature person, I think there's a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been hanging around dudes my whole life, right? I'm in a male dominant field. And I've noticed there's an animosity towards women, right? You guys are annoyed with us because you're somewhat beholden to us because you're trying to get laid by us so we can say no to you and reject you. So there's a little bit of a animosity, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on the other hand, like, we were talking about this earlier, like, who's validating these hot chicks? It's other guys. So you guys are mad at the girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then there's the culture of, right, like remember rap, you know, call women bitches and this and that. It's such a dance. Who knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Do I ever complain, you get me a car and I'm like, thank you, this is great, thank you. Yeah. I've never- It's fucking rad. Who does that? Good hooked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, here's the deal man, is that he offers something. I like to cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is more than most of the cool guys give on these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, remember that documentary on Manuel Uribe, the world's fattest man? He used to order Chinese food and then they would bring it up in a bucket out in front of his window like his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Ralphie had sex. He had two kids. How big was Ralphie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I know. Picture this. If you're, if you're, the man can stand, the woman can lay. Oh, okay. On her back. Oh, right. And lift his stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not, cause like when you lactate, it squirts out. So that's kind of like a cheesy milky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, who's she caretaker? Her body? Caretaker of the body? I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, but hold on. Here's the deal, I'm confused. Is this a cosplay? Or is this her own thing? Do you understand? Like this must be specific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a cosplay world. It's a nerd world we don't know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is interesting cause we don't know how, first of all, they're lower to the ground, which means they can move quicker. But then how do you determine their speed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of interesting. I think you're right. Cause I have a friend from college that was a straight ho. Like a whore. And now she's my age, we're all old and she's still a whore. Like she cannot for the life of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I can't. You just see body parts as different body parts. It's like interchangeable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, here's your latte. You're like, ehh, why is like one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That ain't a person. It sure is. Spoiler alert, guys. They passed away recently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is in Thailand, this is their, I think, relative, uh, it's a man, and they took care of him as he was, you know, getting older. And I'm telling you, this fool could still eat, was still getting up. I absolutely hate this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying like he had a pretty, not, not fantastic life, but this guy was eating still and moving around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and she puts egg yolk to make the mayonnaise, like bitch, you're double nasty, like rotten chicken and then a raw egg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you buy like the processed kind, so that's got preservatives, like this is so foul. Yeah, how do you jar this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remote as fuck. Like you, you're the first person they've seen with a camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like let's say you're just in the most remotest part of the world. The villagers have never seen a phone. You're the first person they've seen with technology. Holy shit. Welcome, Brian. We've made you the most sacred meal of our tribe. It's fire roasted rodent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's this rat that we catch deep in the jungle and it's lovely. We put it over the fire. That's your meal. Or this bitch's jarred chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hold on, what if it's a snake and it's just peeled, like let's say they catch it fresh in like the Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, so you have these on for a year. It happens when you're pregnant, you swell and sometimes your rings get stuck. So maybe he gained weight over the years as person and then the ring can grow in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a woman. It's a woman's hand. It's a woman's hand? Yeaah, looks like it with a name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm ending my non-monogamous relationship. Tear me out. I'm not having a breakup with my main partner. We're still together. We are going back to monogamish life. As many of you know, my partner and I have been trying to call Yammery for about the last like seven, eight months and we have officially decided to go back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a last resort, get you a lighter and hold the button down so the fumes are coming out. Put a rubber band around the lighter so that the button stays down. Toss that shit in your baby mama tailpipe. And then when she start up the car, boom. You got full custody. Game is game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like? She's out in the sun. She's getting her vitamin D. She's feeling that salty air. Like I like the ocean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking like, oh, they're gonna bang on the beach. I like the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now normally I sleep on the Solaire Sautva mattress but last night my husband was rippin' snoring and I went down a trip to memory lane and I slept on, uhm, the luxury firm. Our very first king size mattress from Sautva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it felt like an old friend. I cannot rave about Sot from Mattress Company enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I, we've had three of their mattresses so far. Our children even sleep on Saatva mattresses. The quality is incredible. The customer service is impeccable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you, you buy it online, I know you're going, that's so weird, you don't try out a mattress beforehand. Yeah, but when do you try out a mattress anyway, when you're going to a store? You sit on it for a second, you buy it, and you hope for the best, okay? Not with Saatva. You're gonna love it. You're gonna absolutely change your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to sotva.com slash the shit right now for $200 off your next sotva purchase. Again, $200 off sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next sotva purchase. You will not regret it. Try it out. Be a friend. Go do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That LA had a nuclear bomb dropped on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Juan Wilshire and I saw the nuke drop and the flash and I was like, fuck dude. And then I saw all these Arab dudes running and their full Sharif don't like it, rock the Casbah outfit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I went to take a shower and all the chemical burns were on me. It was gnarly. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Do you ever have dreams about nukes dropping and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never, I never hear you talk about your dreams. Do you dream?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, are you pregnant? I'm just very, very fat. That was my favorite part. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How will you, will you have a contest to find the fattest poorest fan of YMH?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cool. That's really nice of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the Oprah Winfrey law. It's the law that Oprah made. If you haven't worn it in a year, get rid of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't fool myself into thinking I can wear certain things anymore. I'm at that age where I accept, like, this is my body type. I can only wear certain types of things. If I want them to look good, if I don't care, then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially the older you get, you cannot fuck around. Like, I can't put on a fucking Forever 21 t-shirt anymore and look cute. It's just not happening. It's not happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drunk cum, cum hounds. Jesus. It's true. Cum hounds? Everybody is a 21. Yeah. In 21 you're just, you're just heat-seeking cum missiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 19, I've had to move many apple tits, uhm, cause I'm doing something different. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, er, Spermvine, California, May 20th and 21st.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I miss him. Atlantic City, the Borgata, June 4th, June 5th, Boston, massive huge tits at the Wilbur. Big show. I'm so stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exciting. I'd like to meet you on your world tour. See what I can do. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That's so fun. You don't have kids, do you? Nah, I don't. I'm free as a bird. Free as a bird!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had garbage and her body wasn't. I was like expecting a garbage bod, but she didn't have teeth, which was important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is wild that they publish that as a job you can get now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? Lick my ass. Who says that? Lick my asshole. Lick it. A lot of people. Lick my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna suck on this nipple. That's what he says, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I'm just thinking of the word kink. Is it a kink or a preference? And what defines a kink over a preference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't guarantee. I can't confirm or deny. Is it? Or deny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care, like this would make me indifferent. Really? Yeah, the nose sucking. I'm like, that's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna suck my nose, okay, it's, it's, if you get something, it's your thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I like the good vibration parts, but the tickle, like, okay. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hearkens back to childhood a little bit, where you were in love with your animals and now it warps that into something adult and sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda, kinda weird and I like that. Okay. I could go there. Are you gonna panda costume or what? Now I'm into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, that's not the very specific, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, such a vag, dude. Like, you fuck up that, that area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just feel something for a minute? And she's got these aggressive piercings all over her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I like? She's out in the sun. She's getting her vitamin D. She's feeling that salty air. Like I like the ocean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking like, oh, they're gonna bang on the beach. I like the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I'd be worried about is getting them all out, cause some of them are really small. And like, what if they get way up there? That's a problem. That's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she got them little hungry tits too. She got them little doggy tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it were yours, I'd be like, yeah, rub it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a shit. I've, I've had your kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zolo did a deep dive on the porn pages for this. Or is this just your stash?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you blow a cigarette smoke into another person's mouth. French, what's that, the French inhale? Or some, I don't know what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like that. And I'm not interested. That's a hard pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this is one we've discussed over the years. It's a dream, go ahead. Yeah, where she's getting done doggy style and her head is in the toilet and then he's like suck it off now and then she has to take her head out of the toilet and then beach him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the noose around her neck. That terrifies me. That seems like it's real iffy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could possibly do some stuff. Like if, okay, here's the deal. Really? Like let's talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the time that woman made that fruit punch in a toilet and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if we bought a fresh toilet, that's never been shat in from like a Home Depot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it would have to be a freshie. I don't know, I'm putting my head in a toilet that's like been a toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thank God. I was like, my eyes are burning. It's horrible. This is horrible. Yeah. That my eyes twitching from that. It was so stressful for me. Really? Yeah, it's twitching right now. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we talk about something more pleasant? Sure. Okay, so, I want to tell the mommies about this. We were at, uhm, the world's finest restaurant on the planet, California Pizza Kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where our children, my eyes are still twitching, that's how stressed out I was from that segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My children love, or our children love CPK. We go there a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's okay. It's not the greatest food, right? But it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Tom just gets his pizza, you got your pep pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look over and there's like an Italian family and then there's like the old dad that's with the family. And I'm watching him, he's done with his meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he fucking goes into his pocket and he pulls out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A flosser, the kind that I use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny? Everybody thinks I use these. I don't. I use, it's a stick with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a, it's called the gum one. It's a gum for gums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my entire life, I've seen a man pumice the bottom of his feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really nice resort hotel in Florida, remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so gnarly. I thought I'd never seen anything that... I've seen people brushing their hair in, in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me live my life. But to see an adult man...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what my mother would do? Is she would do that too. She'd put her hands in a lemon and take the lemon out and then rub it on her fingers at the table and go, my hand smells fishy, fishy smells. Like if she ate like a fish taco or something and then that helps get the stink off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, and so my mother too would floss at the table. She would bring a stick or the toothpick that they give you and then instead of doing it blatantly, she would put her hand over her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how long will that last for before she has another ask?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just be nice. All you have to do is be nice. Be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't always realize that physical symptoms like headaches, teeth grinding, and even digestive issues can be indicators of stress. And let's not forget about doom scrolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleeping too little, sleeping too much, undereating and overeating. I'll tell you, I have all of these symptoms when I'm stressed out, but mostly it goes to my little tummy. I just get really upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. We've all had those days. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Give it a try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see if online therapy can help lower your stress. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and your Moms House listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash moms house. That's B E D T E R H E L P dot com slash moms house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a bad idea. Oh my god. That's a bad idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and we've all been taking unofficial bets or saying like, who do we think is going to win here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that Chris Larson is extremely intelligent. He's a very smart guy. However, I see Chad reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Here we are, Chris. Welcome back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, good energy. And this is a new thing for two employees to not be getting along like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the good thing is once we settle the score once and for all, who's the smarter guy? Will that settle things between the two of you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then, what are we gonna do? They're not gonna agree to terms? I mean, should we just fire them now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear that? Sounds like Chad's a winner. He's got a winning attitude anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do they have a time limit on how long they have to answer the question? They're both very adept. Okay, I'll do the first question, ready guys? Now just so you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, these questions have stayed between Tom and myself and Zolo. These are just the three of us. No one else has seen them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What part of the brain deals with hearing and language?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it that way. You wanna do it that way? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the recurrence of similar sounds, especially consonants, in close proximity called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the recurrence of similar sounds, especially consonants in close proximity calls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. How old is the universe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris thinking. And also Chris wore a different sweater today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's usually wearing his leather jacket and today wore his sweater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just started wearing always this, I thought. And I've got a farm for Christmas. Oh, so it's been three months now that he's had a new sweater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the third letter of the Greek alphabet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if Chris watches American football. He might be watching soccer. He's a very cultured guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would definitely not get this one right. Yeah. I don't know much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the symbol for Mercury on the periodic table? The symbol for Mercury on the periodic table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Tom, fun fact, I never took chemistry in high school. That's how stupid I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I uhm, I pretty much, I failed out for like the first two weeks and then I opted to take some other classes instead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. I was, covalent bonds and such, don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Dang, did you hear how he checked on Chad? He was like, I'm ready, Chad, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. Okay guys, your final question, number 11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is Tom's Starbucks order?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's Tom's Starbucks order Chris immediately going to write? Chat as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay guys, here we go. Do you wanna do the answers? Sure. This is so fun. Alright guys, here it is. I'm gonna start tallying the answers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now hold on, let's debate this, because it's three currents of similar sounds, especially consonants, right, not vowels, in close proximity. That's different than the first letter of every word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. Watching Netflix without using ExpressVPN is like going to a casino and only being able to play on the slot machines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why limit yourself like that? The big money's somewhere else. Netflix has different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Content libraries for every country, did you know that? But without a VPN, you only get access to a fraction of that. I'm a huge Anglophile, I love all British shows, and guess what? With ExpressVPN, I can watch all that stuff on Netflix, homie. ExpressVPN has blazing fast speeds, uh, streaming HD with zero buffering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's compatible with all your devices and works with other streaming services like BBC iPlayer, YouTube, and more. So be smart. Stop paying full price for streaming services and only getting access to a fraction of their content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your money's worth at ExpressVPN.com slash MomsHouse. Don't forget to use my link at ExpressVPN.com slash MomsHouse to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, an iced coffee is different than a latte. I'm so sorry. Um, it's a venti iced coffee with extra ice and just a splash of oat milk. So both of you are wrong and Tom beat the shit out of both of you. And I know this cause I've gotten it. Chad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. This has just made things way worser in this community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think would be an accurate measurement of intelligence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chad's at the top of the intelligence chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does anybody feel like they could challenge Chad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think an IQ, cause that's a different thing. That's problem solving, logic puzzles, and Eni's brain is extremely analytical. I mean, he's our tech guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Danny thinks he can- Danny's fresh out of college, see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they remember this stuff right off the dome. You mean it's been 20 years since we've been in school?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The loser's gotta really pay a fucking price. No putting out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, would you rather, in every photograph of you moving forward, anytime a camera is on you, keep in mind you're touring constantly, you're meeting fans, you're doing press, you might go on like Good Morning America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you're on camera, everybody welcome Tom Segura. You have to give the double bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a picture with you and your mother, it's Christmas morning, it's fuck you, double bird. It's you with our children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jillian's sitting on your lap, your three year old, and you're double birding. It's, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that for the rest of your life, and you can't tell people like, oh, it's a dare. People will just assume like, oh, it's Tom Segura's new thing that he's this guy. Cause this is an identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause it's, it is a, it is a very aggressive move. It's not a great gesture to have on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's horrible. Okay, so if you don't like that one, the alternative is that you have to wear black eyeshadow, like black eye makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black eyeshadow? Black eyeshadow, like, like black eyeshadow and then black eye makeup, like cat eye makeup. And that's your new, you're like mystery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that guy mystery? And that's your new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's another one where people are like, why is Thompson Gertrude just wearing black eye makeup? Like you start doing it at your live shows, you're doing press, you're with your family, your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, anytime a camera is on you. Hey guys, welcome to your mom's house. I'm Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like just think of the friends you'll attract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I hate it so much. It's so, ugh. It's just too aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's not even as big as they get. Those are smaller. So I learned this on this TV show I've been watching. There's a wallaroo, which is the littlest kangaroo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause a wallaroo is the middle one, so that one doesn't get as big. Yeah, like look at the arms on some of these things, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially because bleaching your hair, as I know personally, is a very delicate, time consuming, careful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never even been there, but I imagine it sucks. It's like LA, like the sunset strip, like the saddle ranch, right? Like that kind of vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. Well, apropos our earlier discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's goth makeup. This isn't, this is a goth style. This is what I would consider kind of an OG goth style with the lace and then the dog collar, the bondage collar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not my particular goth style when I was goth, but it is A-style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need a palate cleanser after the toothless porno lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly how I'm taller. But that's the kind of stuff that makes New York fun, I think, is these crazies. I love all these train crazies. This is really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't he get a guitar riff or you're gonna leave him out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't imagine, like, remember that guy we played on the, was it last episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you've got a great mouth and you've got pretty eyes, do it for daddy, say goodnight to me or whatever, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That didn't have the intensity and familiarity of this. This is really intense. And familiar. Yeah. So I think there's a rapport established. Okay, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is in reference to the earlier gentleman bleaching his hair on Bourbon Street. That is steam coming off the top of this woman's head. This is why you should never dye your hair at home. And I'm assuming she's using bleach or some kind of chemical that's burning the shit out of her head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This makes me laugh because as a woman, like, we've, everyone's done shit like this to themselves as a girl. We're like, oh, I just burned off my pubes. I just spilled nail polish remover on my vagina. I just fucking, fried my hair. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, pussy alert. What is happening? Is everybody on their period?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, there's no even like sob story, like give me a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Hey, do you want this hairstyle? I can give it to you. Cash out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we watch the fox getting pet again? I don't want you to leave negative, leave happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same hustle. This is the guy that says that calls himself a feminist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is the I- I- I see you, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it though? There's a lot of horror in this one, but we did find out that Chad's the smartest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like who's, who's his rival? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just has to sit there and listen to it every time he gets in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back when we lived, back when we were in LA, it was on the up and coming, when I lived there it certainly wasn't cool. But right now, it's cool as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a lot of, uh, uh, blossoming artists that are moving over there and doing art and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's like lower than, you know, the other places around town, but it's definitely, it's definitely a lot cooler now than, than what you think, cause I used to think it wasn't cool either, but now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do not, but it sounds like Nebraska Chad does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, I'm being honored for having all the lower part of my body being exposed with noises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it took me when I have you, by the way, a big fart and you pop out. Really? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it comes, they will be scared to death because the fires become history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wouldn't be talking good about you. Do that, something like that to your mind and put it in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're counting the minutes for me to leave. And don't worry, tomorrow is the last day. No, tomorrow I'm leaving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it may, I want to talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matches with Christina because nothing would have happened without Christina saying yes to everything with love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More so, it probably was her idea, not yours, because you only talk about farts and Christina talks about love. So if I put it all together, that anyway, we have from a driver picking us up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To a greeter receiving us at the airport in Miami. To somebody basically place me in the plane through a wheelchair. Arriving Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the airport in Miami is so long that it takes like three miles. Three miles is the equivalent of 35 minutes walking for me. I wouldn't miss a flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as I get out, somebody's waiting for me. As I get out of the gate, take me to a fancy car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went back 30 years in my life, and I saw my kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am convinced that I am going to win in this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so bad yesterday that Tommy asked me when I was about to die, he says, do you think I should take you to a doctor tomorrow? That's how bad it was. He said, and every time I burped, he goes, ah, never mom, I'm worried for you. Are you dying? Are you capable of breathing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you left some, ehm, they eat the, what is it called, jelly beans? Jelly beans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to have my channel. Yea, we talk about farts and burps enough. We have defined a hidden verb and you fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For one night will be a dream. I have it for a week of accelerating. I can't even describe the words honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The breakfast, I had it in bed because it's stupid to get up and have a buffet when I can have the same thing in my room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't have a swimming suit so Christina bought me a covered up. And I have a little bra that pretend to be a bikini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say, I hold on. Where is my ear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So I waved at Tommy, he came very graciously to hi. Hey, hi, nice to see you. He haven't seen you all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just popped out of my head, which by the way, I will finish what he told me this morning. He gave me a long speech. So the whole gift went away with the speech that he gave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you lie to buy me a little necklace?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you say, what are we talking about? I said, well, I saw a necklace that I really like. How much is it? So I went like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you sent yin to supervise my body and my taste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, do you want me to make it long and the show last forever? Okay, go ahead. You ain't approving. You asked me to ask your friends the approval.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He agreed and she went three thousand. And he said, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're telling the story. The story was to thank you, not to embarrass me. You told me we would talk about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, asking for asking because I know he says yes. I bought it just because I like it, not because I need it or I wear it. And I feel bad. Because you, but you even liked it. If I want to tell you more, can I tell her? Sure you can tell her. So this morning I have it wrapped in the box and I wanted to give it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, this is what you do. You're gaslighting everybody and you do it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and I thought because I don't have anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about, and I had it already in the box, and I give her the necklace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can still do it. We'll leave them here, nobody see the rest because it's dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he says, I have to finish this show and I have to interrupt the other one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. On with the show. On with the show. And he came back on time for his show. Yeaah. Good time. That's called professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell him about the car that you put 800 more power motor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went with him to record him. Oh god. I record you doing your surfing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First class, let's go deep to the ocean to see if I find a shark first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you believe in God. I don't know what your beliefs are, but thank God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a fart, and you have a burp, but you don't have a fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you record this like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I don't know. Don't know what? If he's lying or you are lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The poopers, just like the gays. The gays like poopers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can it be a sexual, whatever it's called? We were talking about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which they are, they are a little- Please stop telling me that I'm beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50,000 if he talks on TV. Apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. That's it. It's cool. Good deal. You want to play basketball with me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not talking to you. Yes, but I also think- You have the chance to train though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are so, so, she's so right that it's scary. This is not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking morning. Are you really like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wake up thinking in something that is crime and killing. I don't see your fireworks like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I don't- I just- How can you stay with him? I don't know. Just take his money and go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let him find somebody with a disturbed mind like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why would I want to watch something triangle of sadness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Please clap with me. Oh yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the best news. I know, I knew you'd like that. You really, really, really just make my whole trip a bless. I am so happy and I will start today praying for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, transitioning, but good enough to know that you don't make fun of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't change his name. Sorry, if I become Jewish, I'm not going to be Charo anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just moved here, I'm just trying to fit in. Okay, I don't believe anything now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When can I come? Doesn't have to be for two weeks, it can be for three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to sing my song. Trying to sing my song. Uhm, okay, here we go, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have another beat down for you. I tried to practice my own song. This is my introduction to my song. Coming at you. Here we go. I'll sing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One hundred percent. T-sixteen. Machines within. Machines within. Trying to rake my rep. Trying to make my rep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm that vampire one. I'm the lonesome one. You got that ghost shot. You got that ghost shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, rock and roll. Yeah, yeah. Rock and roll. Yeah, yeah. Rock and roll. Yeah, yeah. You got that ghost drop. You got that ghost drop. Tryin' to work out my song. Tryin' to work out my song. Makin' my met. Makin' my shine. Makin' my shine, y'all. Makin' my shine, y'all. Blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we're actually attracted to. They can't really excite you because this again is someone that you're not really choosing to do you. If you're good enough, you could actually put that face on the person that you're working with. We stay wet that way. The fluffers help that job too. It's just a mindset thing. Once you're in front of the camera, that's when you gotta switch on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see this, this is a handle swastika. I literally put it up there. Prosperity and good luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. Well, it was worth every penny. You look stunning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect shade of dark brown that it really washes out your complexion. Gives you that nice pasty look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's kind of cool because I feel like you're a trendsetter in all ways, like people know you for your shoe style or just for your clean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clothing. And now this is, you're like a trendsetter and I think people are going to start cutting their hair like Tom Segura now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yours is a modified, I think what you did was you took Javier's look and then you gave it an eighties twist. You're also a little stranger things. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're, you know what I mean? Like you kind of put a new twist on it, which is really cool and fresh. It's a fresh take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really frames your face. It really shi- like frames it. It's really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that last look was really neat, but this one's way worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's like, it's time to bring awareness to like, chicks need to doll up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot. Meep, meep, meep. Scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot. Like that. Vegas? Man, you're like this is so scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to find like a U.S. 10. And I couldn't. Remember we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut like American stuff. Oh Prada? They don't make size 8, bro. Like, it's 6 and below.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, when I went to South Korea, years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My titty size? They don't even carry the bra that I would need in South Korea. It was fucking creepy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you gonna, you gotta flail your hair. Does it feel so good to have hair? I'll be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is true in, in like Europe, I mean, and where, you know, Peru and stuff, don't they fad shame the shit out of you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in France, uhm, I don't know if I've said this before, I was reading that book, French Women Don't Get Fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to go to a specialty store to buy size 10 and over. Like they don't even carry it in regular stores. You have to go to like the big and tall outlet type of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But remember what he said? He's like, I come from Mexico. He's like, I was there my whole life. But then I came to America and I found cheeseburger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I wish I could be that fat. I wish I could just let myself go. Like if I could pick one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you just, you're just allowed to do, I don't know though, what would you choose, heroin or eating? Like if there's no consequences, would you dissociate with food or with heroin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she likes fun, she lives out in the desert, she's got that cool golf cart, like she's got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Consistent, yeaah. Nothing if not consistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, the holidays are coming as fast as Robert Paul's champagne. And let me tell you, don't go to the post office. Why are you doing that? Especially if you've listened to your mom's house, you know that we love Stamps.com. Stamps.com has all the needs of the post office, but you do it right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your desk. No lines. No hassle. No traffic. It's the 24-7 post office that you can access from anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com is your one stop shop for all your shipping and mailing needs. And now they have UPS services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With discounted rates up to 86% off, use stamps.com to print postage wherever you do business. All you need is a computer and a printer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it through your Stamps.com dashboard. Rates are constantly changing with Stamps.com's switch and save feature, you can easily compare carriers and rates. So you know you're getting the best deal every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get ahead of the holiday chaos this year. Get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, can I tell you what I did this week? Sure. Before you were gone? Uhm, little, our, our younger boy was sick. And uhm, anyway, we're, we're watching television in the master bedroom. Oh, you're not supposed to say that anymore, the master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The main mommy room. The primary. And uhm, so we were watching, anyway, the remote stops working and I flip it over to the other remote. You know how it is like when you have, TV is so much more confusing now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, whatever, it's the weekend, I'm tired, and I just give up. Like the kid's sick, I've been dealing with him all weekend. I don't even, I don't have the energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to sleep with the TV on. Cause I do look for the, the manual switch, but because our TV is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's built in such a way, the TV, that there's like a box and I can't even reach my hand behind it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and I give up. So I fall asleep with the TV on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two days. And the next night, I wear the eye mask. Mommy, it's bright. And then finally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have this idea, I'm like, what if, I mean on a weird thing, what if the remote control is just low on battery?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I change the batteries and it fucking works. And I feel like the dumbest-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. Yeah, so that was amazing. And then I had another, I had a Pajitski effect. I had the similar one you did a while ago. So I was going on trail hikes now around Austin. And I did one and I was like, oh, this is like way short. This is too short. I gotta go find another trail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, I'm on a trail and I'm like, this trail is too short. I should go find another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, I'll walk the same trail like two or three times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you stayed up until midnight last night, really into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Midnight. And you were watching it, you know, just quietly so that you could really enjoy it? Is that what was going on? You were doing the closed captioning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. You know, and I think in your mind, I wonder, I'm just curious, if this is a story about a guy who just wanted to live life his way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's interesting about these guys, they always get caught revisiting the scene of the crime, cause they always want to relive it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then this too of keeping the moment, the memento.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he told, I, I over, I did wake up, it was really neat as I was sleeping and not feeling well to wake up to parts of Jeffrey Dahmer talking to his dad or whatever. And he would try and tell his dad like, hey, I, I have these weird thoughts, I have weird feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that you know all these details and you're like a purist, you're like a Jeffrey Dahmer purist and you don't like when they mess up a story, give me the real deets. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when I watch my show about Elizabeth, the Queen of England, I know the real facts and then they dramatize it and I get a little upset too. I'm like, that's not true. She did not have lovers. You know what I mean? She was in fact a virgin and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if it didn't give me horrific nightmares and fear, I would watch something like this, but I think I'm very susceptible to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, my lipstick came in. Christina Peay's Perfect Shade of Red. I'm wearing it now. It's fantastic. Try it out if you're interested. I love it. It doesn't dry your lips. The shade is impeccable. The quality is perfect. I love it. It is truly the perfect shade of red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, yeah, if you have no recollection of it, did you enjoy it? You didn't really do it. You know what I mean? You have to have some recollection and enjoyment. He had memories of all the other ones. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he have sex with the men before he killed them and then after? Just after?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. And I was wondering if you saw that someone sent this to me that I look like a really cool girl. If you would bring that up for me, Native.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I do think I look a lot like this chick. Myra Hindley?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you're not watching this show on YouTube,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I liked it when you showed me yesterday on your phone. You were so excited. You were like, Hey sweetie, look at this cool art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these weren't exactly the ones you showed me. You showed me some sillier ones. Like, he's just pudgy and naked and stuff. Not the blood. Like, you didn't show me this. This is burn victim guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the fuck is going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, what is it like an art show? Yeah. And, and like make these and make a big stink, like a publicity thing about it and invite Garth. That would be really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one is just the pubic hair with no genitalia. Or is it a vagina? It's just like a heavy pub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you had to tell your parents, like, hey, I have these messed up feelings, like, I wanna, I wanna like not only have sex with dudes, and then I wanna cut their bodies up and fuck their chest cavities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventies, so homosexuality was not well received yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine? Oh, I have to go pee really bad. Okay. I drank a lot of smoothies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, it was really good. I pushed so hard and it all came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baldwin had her seventh baby. Isn't that wild? With Alec Baldwin. Good job. Yeaah. It's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so crazy. And like, I know you're not supposed to judge people, but I judge. It's a lot. It's a lot of kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So quickly, but I know she had a surrogate on the one before this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super spiky. And she started her life as Hillary from Boston. And no, she's hilarious. It's fucking wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, he's, he's probably 70 now, isn't he? No, but he is 60.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 64. That's tough. But I will say, cause I, I love her account and I follow her very closely, is that she really loves the process of pregnancy. That's what I'm saying. I don't think it's gonna stop. She wears stilettos nine months pregnant for date night. She's always doing leg lifts. She's 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And planking, you know, eight months pregnant, like she's really devoted to this process. But I mean, the thing they never show is like, how many nannies do they have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, I wouldn't be able to sleep for the rest of my life. Yeah. Oh, that's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you, you don't sleep? I mean, we barely sleep and we have like two kids that are out of infancy. If they get sick, forget it. Then that means you not only, you know, when one kid gets sick, they all get sick. So these guys are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love watching her exercise eight months pregnant. It's the fucking craziest thing to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is there also, cause I've worked on television shows before, I worked on a show where I picked up hitchhikers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason, because there was cameras rolling and it was a TV production, in my mind I was like, yeah, I can't get hurt here. Like, is there an element of that disbelief when you're making this movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, how is it, so do you think you're just more, you don't feel pain as much as others?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you learn? What's the biggest, I mean you've arguably done, like you've done everything, so what's exciting to you now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well it is a good question because you, like right now I'm on the TikTok and I follow Madonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's somebody who was like the hottest shit their whole lives and now she's entering the latter part of her life. And it's like, well, how does one maintain rock stardom? How do you continue to do it? And is this the right way? You know, you have to find your way, like what's gonna work for you. And it's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's, it's, hey, potato, potato, like, I, she's the queen of it all, and I'm, I'm looking to her for inspiration, really. Is this, is this how it is done? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then how, but maybe there is a way I'm saying to maintain the spotlight, but what I think her approach is like, I'm gonna co-opt what the really, really young kids are doing and just do it at my age. And to me, I don't think that necessarily works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember seeing you guys on Instagram. I think you guys are like so adorable and you were like lifting her up in a hotel room and I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I missed that. I missed those photos. I really wish you could start an OnlyFans. There's your next project.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, Steve-o, I love you. I've loved everything that you and your crew have done in the last 20 years. I think it's like, it never stops being entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like you're so out there and it just satisfies a need. It's like a primal need to watch someone fuck themselves up. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sure is, and that's the function of what you guys do. Cause when I watch you guys, like I said, for 20 years, I'm not thinking about my fucking kids being annoying or the life. It just takes you into, and we were talking about it when we talked about the last movie on this podcast, is that you feel like you know this crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you know we have a pool that you can jump from like a second story ledge into and I'm just, I see my boys eyeballing that shit and I'm just like one of these days these fuckers are gonna do it, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor girl. But she, she knows what she's doing. I mean, she's not wrong. This is how you do it. Sexy talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know, a lot of these guys don't know how TikTok works and they'll make personal pleas to one girl. And you're like, yeah, but everybody in the world sees this, not just Michelle. I'm not sure everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fan- look, I really wish you'd just take a moment to appreciate. At first, we just open on the fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But before it was just for girls, he wa- this was the beginning, the king just wanted-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, we've never actually considered this thought on YMH before. Is that it's not a problem coming out, why is it a problem going in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, wow, this is God provoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should be easy peasy lemon squeezy, but it ain't. We gotta ask Dr. Drew about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's highly, I mean, the epidural is no joke. When they do it to you before you give birth, I mean, he's watched me do it twice. The guy comes in, they line you up. It's very, it's very precarious. I mean, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did great. Let me ask you one final question before we go. What's the biggest thing you've ever put in your butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buddy, you're done. Money right now. Money, money right now. You're fired, bud. You stupid fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I wouldn't want to just cause I would be afraid that then it would start to get to like hurting and shit and they'd complain. Oh right. I'm dead serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is the polar opposite of my first experience. I grew up, uh, I had like four years where I thought I had like a little baby dick, but I had a micro penis. That's it. And wait, I didn't realize it lasted that long. Oh yeah, cause I was afraid to have sex after that. Oh my gosh. Yeah, cause I mean who the fuck, dude, any guy, well for anybody who doesn't know, I said it on the honeydew a long time ago, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For anyone who doesn't know, I, uh, the first chick I ever fucked was said after I was like, so how was it? And she was like, it was good, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is smaller than I thought, you know, I was expecting a lot more. This is your first time. I was expecting a lot more. She was saying, I expected, I just expected a lot more, you know, cause you're... So, uh, that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, that made me afraid. I just imagined, I mean, I was, I was already scared of sex the first time. So it was like, when I heard that, it was like, okay, so I guess I'm just not gonna do that. God! No one's gonna, no one's gonna want that. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called her after my next, like my girlfriend, I guess technically like my first girlfriend, who I then fucked after her, which was like, you know, four years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff that's unrealistic you can kinda get away with, I guess when you're younger you could say some real stupid shit just cause you don't know yet. Yeah, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was because, uh, so I, I met her online, uhm, we were, we were playing games, and then I met her, and she kinda catfished me in a way, like, not like she was completely different, but she was definitely, this was before sending videos and shit, so she had some real nice photoshopped angles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and it's like, I don't know, would I have been objectively unattracted to her if she just showed me who she was in the beginning? I don't know, but definitely, definitely when I think it's something and then you're not that, I mean of course I'm not gonna like you now. She's a jerk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going to influence it. Yea, I don't want to ruin this. I would, of course not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that's it. If that's it? You got some kind of... No, man! No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is an orange crayon or orange crayon. Which one? Probably the first one. That's a crayon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we all just get, can we all just get along and forgive one another? Please? What? Whoever's out here, whoever's out there, if y'all hear this, please forgive me and forgive, forget and forget. Please?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] G'day, Dr. Karl here, and what I have here is the world's first fartograph. What's a fartograph, you might ask? Well, it's what you get when you allow fart gas to blow onto a culture plate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And pick up some bacteria and land them on the culture plate where they grew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kind of research, oh man, it just blows me away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Dr Karl here. Why do you have to change your sheets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, every day you generate from your skin about one and a half grams of dead skin cells, which both attract and are enough food for a million dust mites. And then on top of that, your skin exudes oils and sweat. And then on the other hand, while you're lying in bed, you might have a little FART.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how often should you wash your sheets? Well if you're in a very sweaty environment and you sweat during the day and then you come home all sweaty and then you don't shower before you go to bed and you don't wear pyjamas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men who are in relationships wash their sheets once a month and men who are not in relationships once every six weeks. Which might explain why they're not in a relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so devastated that Touch My Camera Through The Fence didn't make it as the official title of my special. It's a disappointment, but Mom Jeans is out now on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They love it. And I've got the official merch out too, if you want to check that out on our website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there it is. There's all my cool stuff. I got some non-gender conforming infant one pieces. If you guys want those. I got some sweat bands, some cool ass tees. I got all kinds of shit on there, dude. So rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be stingy. Don't be stingy, Mark. So yeaah, there you go. And then I have something else coming out. Amy Schumer's Parental Advisory on Netflix in June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And this outfit's even more expensive than the last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the first one I invoiced Netflix was like, we've never spent this much. And I was like, wait until you see what I wear in Amy Schumer's show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one had feathers, ostrich feathers that had to be dyed and individually placed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's Gucci. It was Gucci. It's a one of a kind. They paid that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they paid it. Well, because my special is doing so well, mom jeans is like, a hit. So they're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the pants were Gucci as well, and I had them perfectly tailored. And then the shoes were designer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people, they love glamour, and I'm bringing glamour back to stand-up comedy. I'm bringing glamour, we should bring glamour back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to look like the woman next door. No one wants to pay to see the bride next door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, initially I got a budget, okay, and they know that my budget's a little higher than the average dude comic. Cause with mom jeans, they knew when I was capable. Plus don't forget I have a hair and makeup team, I have everything. So they knew, so I did get a nice budget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I never trust the main thing is you should try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always try. Don't look like a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why too? Another thing is people invest their time in you. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and for so long I thought, cause I was, I'm a woman in this business and that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I played up my looks that I wouldn't be respected for what I was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so for so many years I dressed down because I wanted to be respected for my mind, and then I realized, I don't give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one, no one cares. No one cares about you in general. And so what if I had played up my looks and I could still have talent? I don't know. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day I'm gonna die and who gives a fuck? You don't like me? Suck my tits, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I found this dude and I was charmed by him. I was taken with him. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never know, he probably found his lady from that. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's looking for a woman. So that's nice. He's like, not underaged girls.


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[Assistant] He's looking for love. He's looking for a real deal. Yeah. Yeah, I admire it. Could have been worse. Could have been worse.


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[Assistant] It's wild. So here's, here's the deal, man. First of all, it's a dental update. So let's, I think, can we, may I start with a dental update? The dental update rolls into this. It's kind of a neat thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This music is so captivating, I love it. We haven't done these in a while.


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[Assistant] As you know, I haven't had many dental updates because I get my teeth cleaned every six months, like clockwork. Even during the Pandy, I got my teeth cleaned. So I take care of my chompers. There are no cavities involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went to get my cleaning and the lady goes, I mean, I get rave reviews. She's like, you clearly use an electric toothbrush. And I was like, I do. Thank you for noticing. And she's like, you clearly use flossers. Thank you. Yes. And she's like, great work, great work. No blood, no blood. They're cleaning. And then the dentist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought was lying to me because six months prior she goes, Oh, I took your x-rays. You've got a crack tooth in the back. It's going to need a new crown. And I was like, fuck out of here, lady. I know you're trying to scam me. This ain't my first rodeo.


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[Assistant] You see me, you see my million dollar outfits on Netflix. I know you bitch, so I ignore her.


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[Assistant] Well, I came back and she's like, okay, so do you want to see the crack? And I was like, yeah, okay, show me this crack.


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[Assistant] Yo, it's a legit crack in the back, back, back molar.


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[Assistant] And the ca- the filling that I've had for like 20 years is now eroding, so it's starting to form a nice cavity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crown put on it, hopefully before it turns into a root canal in Crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm gonna get that done uhm, actually, to, well in a few days, and then a crown, which sucks dude, cause we're always traveling, you know how that shit never fits? Like they put it in and you're like, dude I can't fucking close my teeth, like and then I'm gonna have to go back and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going to be a whole thing. So that's my dental update. And then I get into the elevator. It's only, I go from the second floor to the first floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, there was a storm that day.


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[Assistant] And then I was like, oh, that's weird. And I thought, that's fine. I'm not moving anymore. Not moving anymore. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, okay, I'll push the button, ding ding ding, nothing happens. And so I uhm, I hit the emergency button, and of course it's a southern lady. She's like, hello! And I'm like, uhm, I'm stuck in an elevator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I'll call emergency services, y'all just, can you push all the buttons? I was like, yeah, bitch, of course I fucking pushed all the buttons, you stupid whore. Can you push the open button? Yeah, you think I didn't fucking try that, stupid?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that's what I had to do. I had to go peepee and I mistakenly thought I could hold it because I was going somewhere else after. So of course I had to take a pitch. That's like the worst part. But I was alone. Thank God. Could have been way worse or could have been with someone.


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[Assistant] I'm screwed. Cause I just had zanku chicken when I was in California, and I ate it, and I diarrhea'd within minutes. So I was like, that would not hold in another day.


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[Assistant] So finally, so I decided to go on Instagram Live. Cause I'm so bored. And I know I'm not gonna die in there. I just thought it would be funny.


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[Assistant] I didn't, but I didn't know how far I'd gone down. I didn't know if I was on two or one.


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[Assistant] And anyway, you can see it, it's on my profile, what happens to me the whole time. I tried to pry the door open with a toothbrush they gave me, that didn't work. Here I am.


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[Assistant] Okay, so then finally after the third call, you know how fucking R worded, and then finally they go,


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[Assistant] Well, we can have somebody pry open the doors. We can call the fire department. We don't normally do that anymore, but we can. I was like, yeah dude, call the fire department.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause every time we've called the fire department, they show up and they're hotties and I want to look good. I look like shit at the beginning of the video, by the end I look really nice.


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[Assistant] I have lipstick on. I put on my rouge. I look nice when the guy comes.


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[Assistant] Hottie and you're on the 80th floor and you're gonna die? And then, do I have permission to have sex with a dude if I'm gonna die? Would you be mad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, well I don't give you permission. You can J or D to hurt. But you can't.


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[Assistant] Hey man, I don't have time to waste. Who's got time to waste? And when you're running a small business, every second counts. You can't afford to waste a single moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why are you still taking time out of your day to go to the post office when you could be using stamps.com instead? I'm telling you, stamps.com makes mailing and shipping quick, easy, and cost effective. With stamps.com you save time, money, and not to mention stress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For more than 20 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses.


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[Assistant] Stamps.com gives you access to all the post office and UPS shipping services that you need right from your computer. And you get discounts you can't find anywhere like up to


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[Assistant] 30% off USPS rates and 86% off of UPS. Stop wasting time and start saving money when you use stamps.com to mail and ship. Sign up at stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and digital scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No long-term commitments or contracts, just go to stamps.com slash mom. Speaking of J and your D.


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[Assistant] You've tried in public, like on a commercial flight to JRD, in your seat or in the bathroom? Well, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on, was there anyone else on the plane with you? Did you tell them I'm gonna go crank one out? And did you tell them after? And what was their reaction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So let's talk logistics here. Okay. So a lot of people have not been on a private jet. Could you describe the bathroom sitch on a private jet?


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[Assistant] And so you sat on the toilet seat cover. You can stand in JRD? And what did you finish into?


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, we, we've been apart for a minute and we were sick and...


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's neat. I, I, I saw it on a vlog. Yeah, it was a while ago. A second of it. You were like, hey, Jade, my D on this fly. I was like, wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's life! I think, uhm, Rob Eyler, uh, jaded his D on a commercial flay. He talked about it once on Pajama Pants.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Yeah, I imagine. That's so cool. What a neat thing. We both had real fun experiences.


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[Assistant] I discovered a new hotel trick, by the way. I went to Los Angeles to do shows and stuff. And I don't know, do you do this when you have hotel bed? Do you eat on your hotel bed?


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[Assistant] Like, like I eat, I usually get two beds, one eating bed and then one sleeping bed.


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[Assistant] I'm just waiting for you to be done checking. I'm done checking.


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[Assistant] I usually get two beds, like I said, an eating bed and a sleeping bed, but this hotel only gave me one bed. And for years, I would just eat the room service or whatever, Postmates, uhm, like where I sleep, and then just let the flavors and the juices fall into my bed, and then I would just sleep.


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[Assistant] Because I wasn't raised like a person. I'm telling you, I was raised like a savage. I did not have a good upbringing, Tom. Do you notice that?


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[Assistant] No one told me it was not okay. So.


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[Assistant] But I've come up with an excellent solution, so I ordered Korean food, which you know is my jam in LA.


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[Assistant] The food in my bed. I can put a towel down. And then put all my dirty Korean treats on top of it. It's not authentic.


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[Assistant] I love my Asian Flavs. I need flavor homie, I need flavor. This COVID, you know, 19 virus.


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[Assistant] Knocked out like half my taste buds, so I really can't taste American food. I need flay.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. No, I mean like Mason is objectively cute, but real in reality, not my jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the, the dirty drug dealer with the dreads and the tats.


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[Assistant] Or the D.R. guy, yeaah. Dirty fucking D.R. guy. He'd be great.