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[Assistant] That's Tommy's jet. I have to say it was so exciting to get you. It made me happy though. So for those who are just listening, I had a six foot model of a jet airplane made out of balloons. It's a balloon sculpture. And yes, I did go to where the Kardashians actually get their balloons done for their


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[Assistant] And the best part is the delivery guys who set this up, these two Romanian guys, I think they were?


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[Assistant] They, they roll up to our house and they were thrilled. Cause they knew who you were, they were mommies, they were huge podcast fans, yep, the guys who installed this in our house. And they were both like so geeked to, for me to talk about this on the show. So, so shout out to my, my brothers who put this together.


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[Assistant] Uh, but you'll be happy to know I did spend a fortune on that. And? And? The reason I didn't buy you a jet. Yes?


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[Assistant] Is because I know what you really wanted, which was more attainable, and so I liquidated one of our son's college funds.


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[Assistant] I got you this. What is this? Just check it out.


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[Assistant] Let's just say it's a thousand dollars for every year of your life.


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[Assistant] Okay, it's a really nice chain for those of you listening. I kind of, I wanted to go simple, yet extravagant. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] No, it's like, you don't wanna go, I don't wanna get like, uhm, like a wacky design. Oh my god. There you go.


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[Assistant] There you go, but get the sparkly side up. Yeah, there you go. Ooh, that looks nice! Tommy!


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[Assistant] Oh, I love it! Make sure to get the diamonds up. Yeah. Diamonds up. Oh, that looks great. Wow.


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[Assistant] And I was thinking too, you could wear this on tour. You can take your next publicity. Like you're now the, the, the comic with the chain.


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[Assistant] Cause there's not a lot of guys out there, not a lot of white guys out there wearing gold chains like that.


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[Assistant] It's usually reserved for a different type of white guy, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Sell other people into sexual slavery. Jesus. Eat borscht, stuff like that.


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[Assistant] And you know what? I realize that. I have to stop being a dream crusher for you.


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[Assistant] There's only one life to live. Yes! And if this is what makes you happy, look we're not gonna live forever. That's true. That cash when we die, who cares, it's gone. You may as well enjoy it.


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[Assistant] I'm 42, I've been in my 40s now for two years, and it fuckin', it really awakens your existential stuff, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] I feel like life is so short and we're just gonna die soon anyways. Cares.


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[Assistant] The first time you heard Mariah, you didn't think it was kind of weird and annoying?


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[Assistant] You cannot fucking just do all your time. It was a crazy guy. It was quite.


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[Assistant] So I guess while you're looking for Shane's drop,


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[Assistant] I'd like to share a new development


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[Assistant] Uhm, I started doing something recently.


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[Assistant] Anyways, uh, so I was thinking about telling you on this new thing, you know how you do something one way, like for 40 years, 42 years of my life, dude? I've been getting out of the shower and then what I do,


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[Assistant] I get out of the shower, I just kinda throw a towel around me, I wrap around my body, and then I kinda, just like, pat pat pat.


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[Assistant] And then I just throw the towel aside. Like I just hate taking the time to dry myself off.


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[Assistant] And I've done it my whole life, and then my arms will be wet, my legs will be wet, and I'll just kinda flick the water off a little, but I won't fully dry it with a towel, right?


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[Assistant] And then I'll go and I'll get dressed and I'll put on my pants with wet legs. I'll put on my socks wet and I'll be furious because like, especially when I try to put on like Pilates leggings, I'll be furious cause it's so wet. Like I can't.


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[Assistant] I know, and like, I don't know why, I know how I started this, I've always done it this way my entire life. I think it's just because I'm in a hurry and I don't like to take the time.


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[Assistant] I took the time to dry off my arms and my legs.


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[Assistant] Dude, putting on clothes was so much easier and putting my bra on and not having it stick to me and like putting deodorant on cause then I would try putting deodorant on over wet armpits and it would be like-


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[Assistant] And I do it, I do it all, I did it for 42 years.


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[Assistant] Dude, I didn't realize how stupid that was.


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[Assistant] No, better, better than wipegate? What, that I go shit the shower?


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[Assistant] Right, that's my, and see I think that's been my logic this whole time, is like, why do I need to go through the problem, the thing of doing this? I should drive fast!


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[Assistant] It's one of those things I started in childhood. I didn't like taking the time to dry off and I've just kept the habit my entire life.


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[Assistant] Until I got sick of it and it just changed my ways.


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[Assistant] No, I'm in a hurry and I don't want to take the time to dry myself fully. I feel like it's a waste of time and I don't like wasting my time. It's a fucking time waster. Just like grocery shopping.


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[Assistant] But what I do feel is a sense of like calmer, like maybe I need to calm myself down a bit, is what's happening, is I'm too anxious, it's anxiety to get on with my day.


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[Assistant] Wait, what was your prep work? I took a shower.


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[Assistant] And I go on Instagram 26 times a day to see his stories.


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[Assistant] Fifty times now. And that's just the beginning, he's naked all the time!


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[Assistant] I missed this one live. Yeah, I missed it too. Yeah. I don't know how.


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[Assistant] The best part, okay, first of all, at this point, and we're recording this, we've only got like a handful of people that are into this.


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[Assistant] Well you and I watched this one live, and we were in bed watching him, not watching anything else, and he would piss into the cup, and it was like hot, and warm, and then he would just conversation, and then swig it, and swig it.


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[Assistant] He's on Instagram and he's posting his picture. He's repeating his address, his home address. He's repeating the phone number. I'm wondering if it's paying off right now.


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[Assistant] He's got to have found a black guy who's willing to F him at this point, right?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, maybe he's not home here now, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And we'll check in on you next time to see if you're getting pissed on and beat on and if things are coming together.


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[Assistant] Oh shit! And he's so stylish, but he doesn't look like he's from jail.


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[Assistant] Right, sneakers, white jeans, and then like a 90s and living color shirt, and then a blue bucket hat.


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[Assistant] I know, but any one of us, people be like, that's special needs.


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[Assistant] Like I've known this one hairdresser, cool as fuck too.


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[Assistant] Oh man, I wish I had that gift. Some people just make stuff look cool.


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[Assistant] You do have a great vocabulary. Were you a reader growing up? Are you a reader?


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[Assistant] I gotta show you, because young Christina P, young Christina Pajitski, I'm a baby open micer, it's what, oh four, oh five-ish.


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[Assistant] I mean, it was like, there's, there's an era, it was Dane Cook owned the Sunset Strip. And I'm this baby open mic'er, and


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[Assistant] But uhm, but you, ugh, I just have so much, so many great memories of listening to your albums and realizing that comedy could be silly and fun and you didn't have to be


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[Assistant] And uhm, someone goes, oh did you know what happened at Dublin's?


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[Assistant] Dane Cook gets on stage, and a fucking heckler goes, you're not funny.


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[Assistant] And then Dane proceeds to kill and destroys and he levels the room and he...


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[Assistant] And that's, and is that how that happened, how the college kids got locked in?


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[Assistant] It's funny because I had always felt it was the opposite, especially with stand-up comics. We appreciate the labor so much that when one of us makes it after slugging away for 15, 20 years, you're like, fuck yeah, that guy made that.


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[Assistant] Which is the, which is what it is now. You did it yourself, now we give you stuff. So you kind of create, you did create this model of like, I mean you look at the people that came up on YouTube or whatever and now that's the model. You make it yourself, you get a million followers on Instagram, a million followers on Twitter or whatever.


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[Assistant] I gotta be honest, I'm blown away that I'm hearing men. As a woman coming up in a man's world, I took my cues from you guys, and I always thought it was the opposite, that you guys were always like,


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[Assistant] And so it's, it's just, I'm just fascinated to hear that you guys, uh, give a shit. A lot of it is.


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[Assistant] Plus you're like, your character on stage is like, everybody's best friend.


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[Assistant] Well, I was gonna ask you, so, Vicious Circle, that was improv, right? No. For the most part? Or, I heard a rumor.


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[Assistant] Everything leads you to something else and something better and


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[Assistant] There is something, I imagine, psychological to that. Like you...


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[Assistant] Right, so it was like, the man in the suit will take care of me. Somebody else, you know, this parental figure sort of will take, let someone else deal with that adult responsibility. I'm gonna be this kid.


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[Assistant] Interesting. Not purchased the jet.


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[Assistant] But I'm sorry, I'm still thinking about your answer and your, I'm just trying to think back to what you said you said, I didn't care about the money.


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[Assistant] And I, like I totally, I totally understand this as a, as an artist and like whatever. But that's an interesting phrase too. I didn't care about the money. Meaning like I didn't...


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[Assistant] So explain to me why, explain to the audience why I would be led to think that


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[Assistant] Well no wonder you're so skinny, cause food's not as exciting. It's texture.


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[Assistant] Well, he turned 40, it's a thousand for every year. Wow.


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[Assistant] I love this cover, I think this is a very great, uhm, inspirational mark.


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[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you what's not brilliant is that Tommy and I actually saw the Mapplethorpe exhibit when it was at the Getty a few years back.


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[Assistant] Well when I worked at the Bookstar in the summer of 1998 in the San Fernando Valley, we had the Mapplethorpe book, but it was behind the cash register and you had to be 18 or above to see it. And I remember sneaking back and just looking at the map.


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[Assistant] Oh, and you know what I learned at lunch today? Is that the only way Josh Potter can shit is if he drinks a whole Red Bull.


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[Assistant] Whatever, benefit argument here. That's not a good pose.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. So. Feels good. I got the heater on right now on this desk. Blowing the heater.


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[Assistant] I do, yea. Yea, but you like it so- too cold. Too cold.


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[Assistant] Don't overcompensate. If it's 80 outside, then he'll make it 60 inside.


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[Assistant] There was a manager there who pointed out to me that those earbuds that everyone's wearing right now, the wireless ones,


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[Assistant] AirPods, they look like cum dripping out of people's ears.


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[Assistant] Do you just do kind of a cursory towel down, uhm, that's good enough on to put in clothes on or do you meticulously towel dry?


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[Assistant] That's so great. Doesn't have to shower a lot probably. Doesn't have to.


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[Assistant] I'm still thinking about you running fingers again. See, this is funny, I learned something new about you every so often. 15 years together, I didn't know that that was one of your things.


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[Assistant] Wait, so back to our discussion at hand though, you asked if Tom and I smell each other.


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[Assistant] Now, yesterday you came back from a workout, remember you're gone for four hours at a time, and I, and you go, oh, I'm, I stink. Remember you were cooking.


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[Assistant] And I smelled, I didn't smell anything under your arms, you smelled like Old Spice, you smelled really good.


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[Assistant] No, I didn't smell your armpits. I want to. I never have, really. Maybe once or twice. You never smell. Ever.


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[Assistant] Okay, one time I got on a flight to New York, it was super early in the morning. And there was another comic on the flight.


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[Assistant] And I know this person, but it was so early. We were both tired and we both did the game of like,


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[Assistant] You know, we both, I'm sitting down on the plane, I see this person come through, and we both mutually agree to be like, ugh, you just see it, like, I'm not even gonna say hi.


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[Assistant] No acknowledgement. We gave each other no acknowledgement. And it was fine.


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[Assistant] Time to get off the plane in New York. Same moment happens. We could say hi, we choose not to. Now it's gotten awkward.


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[Assistant] But I let it go, I'm like, eh, fuck it, we both were kinda guilty here.


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[Assistant] You don't, yeah, so are you considering converting to Judaism now?


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[Assistant] Well, I'm Roman Catholic by tradition, but not really religious. But I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood, so, I don't know, I grew up around Jews, I like them.


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[Assistant] He's got gas or he's got something. I'm fine. Yeah, it's not okay. I am okay. He's gonna shit after this interview.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I love college. I don't know. Yes, it's expensive. If you can afford it, if your parents are helping you or whatever, just fucking go. It's four years to learn about cool shit you're never gonna learn.


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[Assistant] Look, I mean it's not for everybody, school obviously, and it doesn't, it's not necessarily an indicator of your ability to succeed in life, but it's a great four years of getting high and reading cool books if you can afford it.


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[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


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[Assistant] Dude, I fucking, I remember getting my band on board, I would just put it on in the background in the dressing room, and we would just be dying laughing. And then when you guys were talking double pipe classics, I was like, guys, this is something that is unattainable, it's a rarity. It's very rare. And then one day, we had a show in Russia, and everybody went outside for a little break, a little smoke break, and it was me and our drummer,


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[Assistant] And I had my first double pipe classic and it blew my mind and he was there. He witnessed it. Dan, you can corroborate. Unbelievable. People that don't know.


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[Assistant] He's just like, this is what I like. Yeah, I like that. I'm attracted to being your true self. This man seems like the truest.


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[Assistant] Eating the worst food, stuff that, you know, bubbles you up a little bit. It was a combination of pirate's booty and some other vegetables and stuff. Pirate's booty is a good one. A lot of good gas in there, a lot of good air. So I ended up sitting down with my drummer.


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[Assistant] Absolutely. I mean, we had so many, you know, the lightning striking twice in so many scenarios where it was just like, this shouldn't be happening.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna run with it because our foot's in the door now. Like that's how it started. We, we posted a link on this, you know, fan forum and then this guy from Fall Out Boy saw it, our buddy Pete and then.


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[Assistant] But wait, when that's happening, how long ago is that? That's uh, 2004. 2004? What? 17, still in high school, still had a shitty job at a smoothie hut, uh, sorry Tropical Smoothie, I love you guys, but it was...


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[Assistant] It's so insane. Yeah, exactly. You go where all the evil is and change them. Yeah. But, uh, it just, I don't know, it became a thing of like we wanted to get out because we couldn't play any gigs. So, so trying to get out of Vegas, that was the goal. So internet became a thing. Thank God. We found MySpace. We started putting stuff on Pure Volume and like all these websites. You're so young. We're 17.


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[Assistant] Yeah, one guy was older, he was a year older, so he was 18 at the time. When we started touring, he was 19, we were 18.


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[Assistant] Very calm. No, I just, it became of like a, you know, an escape, obviously music was, but then when we finally got that opportunity, then it was like, alright, meet with our, our management, meet with our label, meet with these people, hey, go do a networking thing.


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[Assistant] Fuck does that mean? You have to sit in meetings and talk to business people and stuff. So we started doing that, hated that, just realized I wanted to tour in a band, so we just did that. My parents...


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[Assistant] They wanted me to do music, they just wanted me to do college or do a mission and then college. Then find a nice Mormon wife and settle down and become a lawyer. But they, they wanted, like music has always been a thing in our family. Rejoicing with music was like always a thing. My mom played piano, dad played guitar, we always gather around the piano and sing songs at Christmas time, whatever, but.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I met this one girl, we hooked up, at the end of it. It's gotta be so easy for you. I mean, at the time, panic was on the rise, so yea, I was also young, we were all, you know, like 19. You guys just pull your dicks out, or do you actually talk to them first? I mean, listen, listen.


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[Assistant] Dude, Taylor, get at me. Um, this one time, this girl, I hooked up with her, and at the end of it, like we, you know, had a great time, it was all done, uh, and at the end she goes, I'd like to suck your willy now, and I was like,


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[Assistant] So I ran out, I was like, thank you very much for the offer, I have to leave, I appreciate it. I ran out of her flat, and I ran downstairs, ran outside, it's like two in the morning, and there's no cabs, no cars anywhere, I was like, oh my god, I'm so fucked, you know. Finally, like serendipitously, this car comes down the road, this cab.


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[Assistant] And uh, he's smiling, like this huge smile, and I go around the side, I go, yo, can you take me to this venue, take me to the O2, I need to get back to my bus, and he's, he goes, yea sure mate, I jump in the back, he goes, was she worth it mate?


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[Assistant] So I learned it pretty early, uhm, but actually I was, I was grateful for that because, you know, they tied it into their whole church thing, but kind of left that to me to decide what all of it meant at eight years old. It's kind of crazy. But I think for me, I just, I needed to rebel. It was not super strict. Like we had a good time, super close to my family, but.


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[Assistant] What were we talking about? No, uhm, so I lost my virginity in 8th grade. Last day of 8th grade, we planned it, we were like, alright, let's date for a couple weeks so it's not, you know, so it's like legit. It was kinda cute. And so we were just really good friends.


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[Assistant] It just, it was nice, like it was like a cool thing, and then like a week later I called her and was like, hey, so we should just be friends, right? It was like really mature actually. Jesus. Yea, it was weird. In 8th grade, see I was like. But then a year went by, then I had sex, I didn't have sex again until I was 14. Okay.


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[Assistant] As he called it, fag football. Yeah. And, uh, decided to up the game a little bit and decided to tackle me and knocked me unconscious. When I came to, my friend Steve was just hanging above me. He's like, bro, are you okay? I was like, how long, how long is I always like 30 seconds. I'm like, okay. So I got up and then a year later he got shot in the leg. He lived through it, but he got shot and I was just like, yeah.


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[Assistant] 2004 we started the band, in 2005, yeaah, we got signed.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, we, dude, there's so many interviews where we were just assholes. I think it was like to compensate. Yeah, to be like, to be like, you know, fake until you make it like act like you've been there. It's like, oh, this is nothing to me, dude, like.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' be an interview on MTV bro, whatever. You know what I mean? It's like dude, what a shitty attitude to have. So there's so many of those interviews that I remember watching those back, and I think I hated myself at that point. So I got back on like medication, for like ADHD and anxiety and depression and all that stuff, thinking that was gonna fix it. Made it so much worse. It did? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] I think that the Clash history kinda helps, like, this generation because I don't really like- We grew up behind the music, you know, so I could watch that shit and be like, oh yikes, I'm not doing cocaine. Holy fuck.


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[Assistant] To what extent do I allow myself to run out of mileage or to allow them to like homey out to where I'm just spread too thin, you know what I mean? So you're always thinking about it then? Always. Always thinking about that. I never want to be taken advantage of because it has come up before. There's this thing that when we first got signed for like a year we were safe.


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[Assistant] A year into it, this thing popped up called the 360 deal, where you were gonna make more money in the long run, all this shit. What it ended up being was they would take


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[Assistant] It's probably not a good idea, but I'm going to have to sell it to you because I'm part of the label. And I was like, okay, at least you're honest, you know? So wait, what's the response when you go like, oh, we'll pass on this or do they then try to like- They're bummed because they sell it to you so good, but we knew it going in. That merch is valuable. Oh my God, that's everything. If you're, I'm a, I'm a-


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[Assistant] Glorified t-shirt salesman is what I'm saying cause I'm doing music, which I love, but I have to sell merch and stuff to survive, like to actually live.


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[Assistant] Okay, dude, wait, what? That's all it takes? And a private jet there and back. Yeah. Okay. Dude, the jet is everything. We started doing that last year. See? See? Heart flex on you guys, but like, no, bro. This is what I'm talking about. This is why you're here. I mean, you got your jet though, dude. Let's be fair.


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[Assistant] On the card where I buy the hours, you know? Do you do that? No, so like we do the, I mean that would be smart actually, but we have a friend who bought a bus and then rents it out to his friends and other friends. Okay. Oh, okay. So we got spoiled with that. But you charter it though? Yes.


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[Assistant] But everybody knows each other is like in business with each other. So you just make a call. And if you have a good enough crew that are trustworthy, they're going to get you a deal. So our guy shout out to Tony Marino and Zach Hall. What's up Zach? And uh, it just makes it like easier, honestly. It's the best, right? It's the absolute best.


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[Assistant] It sounds convincing, like it's gonna mash it all up and it'll disappear, the shit, whatever. Dude, it's a, it's more of a masher. So it just mashes it. That's what I'm saying. It mashes it and rinses it. It doesn't really grind it. Mashes and rinses.


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[Assistant] Kinda. So wait, you didn't shit on it or you didn't? No, no, no, no. Cause I mean even if you shit on it, it's still gonna be stored in a liquidy form. I'm doing my first doing a state of the art bust at the end of this month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really stinky though. But we used to, the great thing is we used to have these speakers in the, in the conversion van. They were so stupid. But you could angle them in certain places. So whoever was sleeping on this side was the loudest speaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was right when some band, Avenged Sevenfold came out with a new album. Oh yea, we're friends with them. Yeaah. They're so nice, the nicest people. You put it back to that thing and whoever was sleeping got really mad. But that's how you woke them up for their shift. It was like, your turn to drive for six hours.


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[Assistant] I would love it. So the first album is called The Fever You Can't Sweat Out, A Fart You Can't Sweat Out. Pretty odd, you can do pretty farts. Oh yea. Bro. Yea, I mean. That's great.


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[Assistant] That's it. Can you put the hook in there? Just replace it. It's easy. Talk about merch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the best penis of merch? Shirts? Uuuh. What's the hottest seller? Oh god, best penis of them. Uhm, yeaah, I don't know, shirts. No hoodies, hoodies go crazy. Yeaah, we haven't seen that. Hot farts, hot farts.


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[Assistant] No, not friends before, we had friends who were friends but we'd never talked ever and so I was on a day off on the second week of tour in January and I get a text from her, this amazing text, excuse me, this amazing text.


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[Assistant] No, but I get this text from her, it's just amazing. And she's just like gushing over the band, like, oh, I love you guys. I was like, holy shit. So I reciprocated obviously like, I love your stuff. You seem amazing. Seems really fun. She sent me the song and it was missing a bridge and like a couple little things. And then she asked if I wanted to work on it. I said, absolutely. It's really fun.


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[Assistant] So then the day that we were supposed to work together, we had a day off in New York.


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[Assistant] It's tiring watching her work because she's so good at it but such a hard worker and like it makes me sleepy thinking about it.


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[Assistant] That's really kind of you. I love that. I like, uh, I don't know, man. I just don't, I'm very selfish, so I don't do things I don't want to do. Yeah. You know what I mean? I only say yes to this stuff I'm like stoked on. But it's gotta be wild, right, to get a call or text from like Taylor Swift. Absolutely. And we talked briefly on the phone, I was like, well, you're the coolest. She sends you these voice memos.


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[Assistant] And they pulled this thing out of the crate and she, I saw her like fall in love with it. She's like a cat fanatic. I saw her fall in love with it and I was like, holy shit, this is crazy. And then mid shooting, she goes like, is it available? They go, yeah. She goes, can I have him? I was like, yeah.


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[Assistant] I love that, like. It was like, just like that. Taylor had a new kind. I was like, god damn, that's dope.


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[Assistant] I have to like go work on it. Dude, it's seriously frustrating sometimes. I wake up and scream and Sarah will be like, what the fuck? Like, you need to calm down. I'm frustrated. I have to go work on this.


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[Assistant] Dave Grohl was one. Yeah, bro. That's a badass. Yeah. I met him once and he was incredibly c- Okay, let me tell this real quick. Love Dave Grohl. We played a festival one time.


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[Assistant] And I knew Foo Fighters, Foo Fighters, Foo Fighters, we're headlining, uh, can't speak. And I walked up to my dressing room, I'd just gone to the bus to grab something, walked back up to the dressing room, and there's a guy with long hair sitting in my chair in our dressing room. And I was like, oh shit, I'm sorry, I don't think I have, oh fuck. And I saw it was Dave Grohl, and I was just like, uh, yikes. And I didn't know what to say, I was like, do you wanna?


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[Assistant] Beer or something? Like I don't know what to do. He's like, oh no, sorry man, I'm using your room to finish the thing in my set list. My band is like raging in our room so I can't really like think in there. I was like, yeah dude, it's no worries. Whatever. He invited us onto stage and the reason that we do a double shot before our show is because of Foo Fighters.


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[Assistant] Cause they have a cart roll out with drinks and they all make like a double shot and then they throw it back and then they go on stage. That's what you guys do? Yea. That's cool. It's dope.


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[Assistant] I don't know. It's we- it's different. Like I can be a little bit high, like I had an edible before I came here, but it's not like I'm like-


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[Assistant] Yeah, luckily cocaine wasn't like a cocaine, wasn't like a thing for me, cocaine, but it wasn't, it wasn't like crazy. Like I tried it and I was like, this is kind of cool, but I don't know. I'm more of a stoner. I love beer and I love weed. Yeah, down, down, down, down.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I had a friend who did and luckily he's been sober enough for four years, which is fucking awesome.


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[Assistant] It could have gone way more south, you know? And I think it's so easy in that industry. In comedy too. We work in bars, literally. It's everywhere and everything is a part of it.


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[Assistant] The confidence comes like way late, way fucking later, dude. Like I, I fucking-


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[Assistant] Which I usually hate that phrase, but it's so true. Cause if you just show up, that was the greatest piece of advice I ever got. Like right when the band first split up and it was just me and my friend Spencer, the drummer, we, we didn't know really what to do. We were like, well, we need two more members. What the fuck is the dynamic going to be? What the fuck are we even trying to do? Are we going to start a new band?


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[Assistant] And my friend Rob, like I wasn't leaving the house. I wasn't getting out of bed. It was such a terrible time. My friend Rob Mathis is amazing and he said, dude, just show up, like get the fuck out of your head. You're not that important. You're going to show up and do whatever the group wants to do. It's not like it's your fucking call. Just show up. Literally just show up and things will happen. I was like, okay. So I just started showing up to songwriting sessions.


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[Assistant] Doing all kinds of stuff, but that came on later when the band was already a thing. I think where I got it was growing up in my family where all, you know, Mormons are


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[Assistant] We have one where like we're doing fake computer commercials, like we've got our first gateway and we were just like, this computer is like very great and it's like the first technology you've ever had. And I had to do like German accents when I was a kid and I had to do dumb shit. So it kind of became like this perform for family, it'll show up later in life. We always kind of had that though.


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[Assistant] But they're super proud now. So proud. And like a month into the recording, we had five weeks to make our first album, we had like $10,000, which for an album that's nothing. It's fucking dirt, like that's nothing.


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[Assistant] So we did that. My parents, a week into recording, sent me this care package of my favorite orange, like home baked orange rolls and everything. My mom wrote me this amazing letter like, matter what, you're my son. I'm going to be proud. You know, we were just bummed you didn't go to college, but like we love you no matter what. It was the sweetest thing. And they've just still been like my biggest fans ever.


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[Assistant] Of course we never did, but I saw, you know, a couple of times I'd see them at like another friend's house or like a show or a Halloween party. Uh, one time I saw my old friend dressed as a gremlin and I was like,


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[Assistant] If you can't trust, yeah, trust me, you'll be lonely. It's like a thing where basically, yeah, you have to, you gotta like keep your circle small and make sure that you fucking trust those people, especially in this industry is like talking about that. It's like, man, it's a shit show. And if you don't have like a small army behind you,


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[Assistant] Cause I mean, dude, you can take over the fucking free world with three people by your side, you know what I mean? So it's kinda what I'm doing.


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[Assistant] No, no, you vet, cause like, so many people in the industry, and especially like on our side of it, in the rock world, have tattoos, and they're really good artists, so you have ins with friends, you know, another one that's like, hey man, you got a guy? Yeah, I got a guy, I'll text him real quick.


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[Assistant] So it became like a thing where you don't have to pay for the tattoo as long as you tweet it out, you know, and kids are going to see it on stage and stuff. Yeah. Oh, that's cool.


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[Assistant] In 2013, at the Kennedy Center Honors.


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[Assistant] And I, I remember him talking and he shared a common ground with our buddy Zach who's from North Carolina. They talked about the old highway being built that first could take you out to California. They're both like similar age I guess and they were like, oh yea, I remember taking that freeway out there to California and living out there for a little bit. And he was just, yea, he was just like, I am listening to everything.


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[Assistant] It's weird, like, he gives bear hugs, dude. Like, it was intense. But I was intimidated, I was like Garth Brooks, you know? He's like, I'm not a country fan, but I'm like, he's a fuckin' icon. Oh, for sure.


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[Assistant] Oh, I don't mind if they sucked, I would probably tell them they sucked. Who sucked? Uuuh, fuck.


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[Assistant] Um, god, there's fucking, there's a ton. Yeah, who did you emulate?


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[Assistant] And it was where it's like all geriatrics, right? Just a bunch of old people. And I would have to go at like seven, eight years old because I, you know, no babysitter, couldn't have money, whatever. My mom would take me to these classes. I'd sit in the corner and like color in a book while she was teaching these women like, okay, one step and one.


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[Assistant] Cause I never knew like what it, so to me it was synonymous with guys with like the hair and the face. Yes, that's smiling. It's colored in a different color, and they wear like wild makeup, which we used to wear makeup, but it wasn't like that on stage, it was interesting.


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[Assistant] It's like an extra hundred bucks, but it's like dude, come on, have some dignity bro.


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[Assistant] Your ears grow, your nose grows, but your...


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[Assistant] No, I don't regret them because I'm just like, it's, for me it's like a yearbook. It's like, uh, oh I remember where I was at in my life when I got that, you know? Yeah. It's like a little trip down memory lane.


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[Assistant] Dude, you should keep it. We should make an album called Fade to Green, by the way. It'd be fucking huge, but...


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[Assistant] I mean, there's no comparison. I obviously have to say it's your mom's house. I mean, there's nothing, no platform bigger.


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[Assistant] I'll say, I'll say don't, don't put it anywhere near your eyes. Yeah. But appreciate this because


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[Assistant] It's more like hedonism, honestly. I love it. I'm open to it, you know? And as a teenager, I remember like, you know, oral sex was traded off between me and a couple guys. And it was like, they weren't into it, but I was like down. I was like, this is kind of dope. I don't give a fuck.


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[Assistant] You know, can we get some girls in here too? Yea. Can we get some whatever the fuck else, you know? Let's do it.


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[Assistant] That clears it up, cause they're like, wait, you're pansexual, so you're married to a woman, but do you just go off and fuck a bunch of dudes and trannies and shit? I'm just like, woah, that's, I don't-


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[Assistant] I mean, yes, but like, I don't know. No, it's nothing like that crazy. It's just that- That's just tight though. It's so dope dude. No, but it's nothing like that crazy. They just wanna blow it up into a thing. I'm just like, listen, I just don't care. That's really what my- Yeah, you like fucking. I like fucking.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't really want that honestly. I had my time, it was fun dude, we had parties and you know, we fooled around. But I never like, when I met my wife I was like, well shit, I think I'm good.


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[Assistant] I have a hard time, like, even when I was, you know, being cavalier with sexuality in the early stages of the band, before I settled down, I couldn't sleep with somebody if I didn't have that connection, which they thought was lame. They were just like, what are you fucking gay? And I was like, yeah, a little bit.


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[Assistant] And then they're just like, well, I don't know, it's fucking lame dude. I'm like, yeah, I don't, I don't like you. You seem like a bad person. I don't want to do sex with you.


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[Assistant] As wild as we think Mr. Champagne is, I mean I have to say I respect his genuine nature. His honesty, his forthrightness. I don't think that, you know, you can go wrong by doing that, or maybe you can, that's a rough thing to say.


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[Assistant] You know, not often does it happen that you can go wrong by being that direct. It really is best policy. I think just, you know, and I like doing that with my fans because it seems that they,


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[Assistant] You know, want to talk about, you know, mental illnesses and they want to talk about social anxieties and stuff like that. Stuff that I've been afflicted by.


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[Assistant] Kinda makes me feel less like alienated to share that, you know? Like I can tell you a million things and I feel like you would be fine with it because you share the same affection.


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[Assistant] But we can learn from that. That's what really got me into comedy. It was like, they're so honest. They're saying the things I wish I could say, but I would get in so much trouble for.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I feel like a lot of musicians definitely want to be comedians. 100%.


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[Assistant] For sure, and sometimes it helps, especially when you have like a technical difficulty, something breaks. It helps to lighten the mood if you're like, shitting on yourself a little bit, but you're like, okay, he's not so serious about it. It's not a huge thing. You're not devoting that. I have a question.


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[Assistant] You know, when you're doing like 1000 cap, 1500, 2000 cap rooms, you're getting a lot of the similar venue. So we do, we would like.


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[Assistant] Then when you get to the venue, you're like stuck in a closet with four other people losing your mind for six hours before the show happens. Six hours!


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[Assistant] Just keeping warmed up for the show. Like they take their instruments with them in the room. They'll sit there and play for a couple hours before the show. Then they'll be warmed up. We'll hang out for 30 minutes, do our shot, listen to 90's alternative jams.


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[Assistant] Oh man, anything, I mean we, any nineties like it just takes us back to being like kids, you know, we're just like.


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[Assistant] Like I said, we'll put on like Tribe Called Quest and just be like, Benita Applebaum. We'll bounce around to that. Or we'll put on like, uh,


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[Assistant] I was really into sneakers for a while. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I did like the Nike, like I got the three bears, I got the fab four, I got the fucking- I was so into it for like six months, then I had all these fucking sneakers, half of which were fake, in my house, and I was like, the fuck am I doing? So I gave them like half of them to my friend, and then he sold them and found out they were all fake, so it was just like bullshit. So wasteful.


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[Assistant] Online, just online. Oh. Cause he got really into it. He actually like was addicted to buying sneakers all the time, like the new exclusive. Yeah. And whatever the, like whatever the fuck. And so then I got into it for a little bit, cause he was into it. Isn't it funny how you can get, uhm, like obsessed with


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[Assistant] Of course. I wanted to talk about that.


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[Assistant] You know what's not even fair? Like blindness is almost like, you, uhm.


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[Assistant] I feel so bad when I hear, like, cause I met recently when I visited back in Israel, like, there's this girl who...


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[Assistant] I don't know, I just feel like it's, I don't know, she's just, she was like, in hysteria mode, clearly. She tweeted like 20, 50 times, I don't know, right after the video. Oh wow. She's a little unstable.


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[Assistant] No, I can't tell, like with Ethan, like let's say Friday night, I'll be like, ooh, let's go crazy, we can eat a burger.


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[Assistant] I, I, I'm partial to the, the, to that, uh, that, that attitude though. I like that, uh, this couch by the way is gonna be tricky. Yeah. It's, uh, it, it likes to communicate as well, so I'm just gonna try to find a spot. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, we could, we could swap it out.


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[Assistant] I think it's strictly an east coast, uh, it's like an ottoman.


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[Assistant] I feel like Dane's got all the words. I feel like you've got a lot of words. We had hassecks and hummels in our home.


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[Assistant] No, no, I actually, I saw some scrimshaw one day and I asked a person that was working at this little, uh, you know, place in Maine where they sold all this stuff and I said, who carves into these teeth? And she told me the intelligence. You mean Bob Marley country? Bob Marley country, yes.


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[Assistant] Okay, so I was not, uh, and I wasn't, uh, particularly book smart, uh, but my dad was in broadcasting and my dad had a, uh, a love of language and he would read the dictionary and I thought he was a weirdo because he would sit and he would literally just learn new words every day.


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[Assistant] And after I did my first album, after I did Harmful of Swallowed, I listened to it and I was mortified because I was like, wow, I said the f-word so many times.


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[Assistant] And I just didn't have enough vernacular to paint verbal pictures like I wanted to add to still the antics and the silliness. So I started doing just what my dad did and I started becoming an insatiable reader and then getting apps on my phone. I learned new words like every day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's tricky though because with comedy, I get a lot of comics and or people that want to be comics and they...


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[Assistant] They'll DM me or reach out and like, what's the advice? It's kind of hard because what you really want to say is, you know, just get on stage a whole bunch, right from the heart and don't really listen to anybody because I got a lot of bad advice coming up out of Boston. There was the legendary comics in front of me and they were like, you can't do this, don't do this, you can do that.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I think the one thing that those guys that I had to break the habit of is they were, uhm, they were all about like being bombastic at that time. It was like men doing comedy back when I started, like alpha guys that...


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[Assistant] And so I didn't learn the stillness that I appreciated about like the Dennis Wolfbergs and comics that I grew up watching that I thought were kind of off kilter and interesting just to listen to as opposed to just watch. Right. Uhm, and so I kind of had to break, break that habit as years went by because I went completely and followed there.


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[Assistant] Then it was, uhm, it was so big that you weren't really listening so much to any kind of poignancy, if I could say that, or anything that was like,


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[Assistant] You know, the real gravitas, so I was doing surface-y material because if I'm gonna act like a T-Rex there's nothing really to say about that unless I know paleontology and I can somehow sneak it in.


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[Assistant] Right, yeaah, and that was probably, this is my 29th year this month, and uh, and that was the one thing that, uhm, I finally in, I think it was 2008, I was performing, it was the first set I did of the new year,


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[Assistant] At the Laugh Factory. And I always give myself a challenge as a comedian every year. Something, a new tool that I'd like to see if I can, you know, add it into my repertoire. And I hit the stage, I planted my feet, and for one year I didn't move.


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[Assistant] For a whole year, I held the mic, and I just didn't deliver. I wanted to sometimes, cause it's just in me to, you know,


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[Assistant] Thinking, you know, still being, uh, you know,


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I think it's like, you know, growing up watching Carlin and feeling like, you know, I think Jon Stewart once said, like, him and Pryor, they're the architects of what we know to be comedy. And I definitely subscribe to that. But watching Carlin,


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[Assistant] Uhm, I was like mesmerized by how he could do fart jokes and talk about language and then a nice dick joke. And then suddenly this brilliant bit about the earth or, uh,


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[Assistant] Which I loved in guys like, uh, you know, Jerry Lewis or Steve Martin or Martin Short. I love the, just the escape from the things that we're encumbered by sometimes. I had a real appreciation in 04, I can honestly say, I think that was the happiest year


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm happy now, but that was a year where everything was like, I was still hitting that first wave. It was still rising. I hadn't had any backlash or any of the stuff that, uh, you'll find out about.


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[Assistant] With the show. Uhm, but in, in 04 literally was like, uhm, just an embarrassment of riches, you know, feeling like I had all these fans, I accomplished this stuff that I didn't know if I would, I hoped, but uhm, and then suddenly I'm, yeaah, performing on Sunset Strip where, you know,


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[Assistant] It was a career, for me a career changing room, uhm, because


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[Assistant] That was a great spot. We, we got to watch a lot of people come through there too, who obviously, Dr. Ken was performing at, at Dublin's.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was something, yeah, I don't remember exactly what I said, but I looked down at the guy and I just basically was like, what's not funny about that, motherfucker? And I just, I walked off. And then I hid because I didn't want to fight.


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[Assistant] Of course. I always have had that reputation, oh he must be so like, alpha cause of the, the bigness of the performance, but I was always like the one person after, I'd be like


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[Assistant] So, the reason I went to Dublin's is because Chappelle went to Dublin's. I had no intention of doing it, but Chappelle came to the factory one night and he was like, man, I did Dublin's.


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[Assistant] And, and we asked him about it, and he said it was great, and so it was kind of like Chappelle making that appearance helped that room tremendously, because then me and a bunch of guys were like, well if Chappelle can work there, then let's go over and see what it's all about.


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[Assistant] That came out, uh, right around the same time as the album finally where I got a deal, you know, a record deal, uh, from Comedy Central. And so it was perfect storm, everything was like, and that special, god, there's so much about that special that


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, actually it was uhm, you know, cause I was- Comedy Central was the place to be. It was. Yeah, Comedy Central was really, it was, you know, I think they had like a show, like a South Park, but you know, their whole thing was airing specials 24 hours a day.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and I was doing all these schools because growing up in New England, there's colleges everywhere. I would call these colleges, I'd get in touch with, you know, whoever was in charge of entertainment, and I'd say, can I come to your college? I'll do a free show. And that's how I started building it. Are you serious? Yea, I would just take a gorilla amp, a little travel amp, and I'd just show up.


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[Assistant] I'd be like, where can I stand or where do you want me? Sometimes I'd be on a billiard table. I'd be in a frat house. It was random.


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[Assistant] I loved, uh, I loved toiling and the whole idea of, uhm, promotion. For some reason, that really, uh, was as exciting to me as, as performing. Is trying to figure out how to find fans and how do you, how do you get elected as Comedian of the Year? How can I?


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[Assistant] And so, I would, uh, leave my shows and get online and, uh, get on AOL Instant Messenger and I would just talk with people as late- I'd play video games and I'd talk to people basically all night long. And I'd wake up the next day and do the same thing.


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[Assistant] Hey, I'll call you today. Let me just call and say hi. Really? Yea, yea, no, I, I was, I knew what was happening. I honestly, I, I was alone in my house doing this for a couple years knowing it was working.


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[Assistant] It's so strange, because when you make it, when you're self-made, then that comes with a lot of animosity. That comes with a lot of- You didn't feel any animosity for anybody, did you? I did.


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[Assistant] I think there was some of that at the start and then what tends to happen, I mean comedians it's different because I think that what happened with comedy was uhm,


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[Assistant] Definitely was not, uh, uh, the most, you know, kind of conducive thing when you're meeting now with, uh, people that want to review you up and to take some claim and like, oh, we wrote him up. Now they're having to talk to somebody they don't know because he did it himself. That's not as alluring to this town.


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[Assistant] I was talking to a comic or a few comics back around 0304 and I said, there's a word that we all need to be, okay? The old school skulking comic who you don't see until he goes on stage and where is he? Is he in a drug den somewhere? Is he? You have to be entrepreneurial.


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[Assistant] The key is, okay, but I know how to communicate with my fans, and I have a, you know, a positive, you know, reputation in, with my peers, and I think that you can ride it for as long as you want. Really? I do. That's good, yeah. Yeah, cause I feel like I'm, you know,


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[Assistant] At this point in my life, I'm like, okay, I accomplished a lot of things that I want to do, but there's still, I have a lot to learn still, I feel like, in comedy, and there is...


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[Assistant] And to be able to actually sit and talk, you know, pretty candidly and regularly, it makes people who come into your show a little bit more understanding of like your entire attitude and not just your comedic attitude, which is great.


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[Assistant] But you know what, when people say like, cause I'm doing this tour now, beautiful theaters all over the country and great, you know, great shows and sometimes people go, oh are you, you know, you already did these big arenas, I go, I didn't, I got there?


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[Assistant] But I enjoy performing at a club. I enjoy a lot of college stuff. I just love it. The craft. I love it. I love any amount of people there. I love more people. I think that for me it's like that plays into my strength. Sure. But also the size crowds that I'm doing right now are actually playing into where I'm at.


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[Assistant] Now, as a person and as a performer. So, it doesn't feel wrong to me.


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[Assistant] That's a great, you know, Tom, that's a great question because I think, uhm, the, the thing that put me at a, uh, a disadvantage with I think sometimes some of my peers at that time was, uhm,


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[Assistant] I was an introvert growing up and I, uh,


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[Assistant] I'm still kind of a shy person. You know, I kind of put it on. You know what I mean? I know how to put on the, you know, and yet I have anxiety. I deal with anxiety. My mom is phobic. She had multiple phobias. So I was born actually, my mom when I was, when she was pregnant with me, I couldn't leave the house. She had agoraphobia.


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[Assistant] But I think that it put me at a disadvantage because sometimes then people would think I was, I was cocky or I was just, uh, you know, I thought I was better than other people. Um, god, I wish I could feel that.


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[Assistant] I just care too much. So the advice would be to, yea, try to, try to actually


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[Assistant] Man, I wish that I could have used my platform to, I would tell comics about it, but I wish I could have brought them in and podcasted with them or, uhm, let them use my platform with me more. I'd bring comics on tour, but to actually use what you've set up, like here, I'd tell myself to try to


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[Assistant] Also too, it was like, I was just so non-confrontational growing up. I had a fear of, not just physical, but like, just somebody coming up in, in,


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[Assistant] And I did that in standup for a long time. I don't feel like I'm, I'm that, in that headspace anymore. Uhm, but at that time it was, yeaah, it was, uh, but there was no playbook. I didn't know how to be famous. I didn't know how to.


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[Assistant] I just was so dedicated to my fans to a point where like, uh, you know, I, I would get, uh, emails and, and, uh, letters on MySpace and


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[Assistant] They would be like hold your breath candid and stark and somebody sharing something with me that's like, you know, something unbelievable. You know, a 15 year old girl wrote me after I did Saturday Night Live, I had a whole routine about suicide.


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[Assistant] And she wrote me this unbelievable beautiful letter and I'm sitting here reading it and she was, she just shared to me how she wanted to.


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[Assistant] A year later, two years later, and then she's like, I would say like, in a year, tell me when you graduate high school, and then I want an update on blah blah blah. And I felt like this rapport with my fans, and that was one of, I can't even tell you how many thousands. So I felt like I was giving that in some ways, but I maybe wasn't giving enough of that within comedy. I think I had a lot of fear.


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[Assistant] I definitely felt like there were comics and guys that were, uhm, didn't, didn't like me for whatever reason, and I kind of just went inside myself.


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[Assistant] A lot of it is, a lot of it is a facade, you know, because we want, it's, for me it was like, I, this is who I want to be in life.


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[Assistant] It was the first review I ever got in Boston that anybody ever wrote. It was a gentleman by the name of Dean Johnson who used to write for the Boston Herald and he was writing about random comics that he happened to see and he saw me and he wrote, uh,


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[Assistant] Dane Cook's comedy harkens back to summer days where neighbors gather on a porch and one person holds court and makes the neighborhood laugh. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, okay, that's me for the rest of my life. Totally. That's a great one. That's what I like. I like doing that. It gave me the ability to be random, which I just, I always wanted to be two things.


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[Assistant] You know and that's a lot of work because you don't want to lose the laughs. Yeah, but you want to talk about


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[Assistant] And how, what is your, is that, what's your, uhm, how do you amp up to a joke? Do you write on, like I write on stage.


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[Assistant] Rough on the Edges was, uh, so Vicious Circle was the HBO special and I really felt like I was, you know, well rehearsed for that. That was like two years leading up to it. When I did Rough on the Edges, I was doing Madison Square Garden. I booked a movie with Steve Carell.


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[Assistant] I said I'll do it and uh, I go, I just need to do one set just to work everything out. And I went up to the Providence Comedy Connection and I practiced and it was really rough. It was like, oh my god, okay, this is kind of funny but not for 20,000 people.


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[Assistant] What? Yeah, so I hadn't performed in three months. What? So what did I do? I was like, I said to my manager, I go, get some cameras. I said I'll pay for whatever it is. He goes, we can't do a full production. I said,


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[Assistant] Get me a few cameras or whatever you can do, you know, I don't care if it's college kids, give somebody the gig and he's like, why do you want to film it? I go, because this is going to be a legendary bomb or I'm going to, I'm a pressure player. I'm going to like, it's going to work and something is magical is going to happen. And the thing about that set was it was, it was 50% improvised.


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[Assistant] What I basically did out of fear, trust me, it was all fear based initially. If a bit was working, I just went with it longer because I was trying to fill the time.


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[Assistant] Because I couldn't cancel Madison Square Garden. They would have been upset if I said two days before, eh, I'm not quite ready.


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[Assistant] And I just wanted to film it to, you know, have it. And what did you think when you actually watched the cut? Like the first cut, are you like, it's ready? I said to myself, God, I wish I lost some weight and had hair and makeup. Always. I didn't do anything.


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[Assistant] It's, it's like, I look at it now, I'm like, okay, this was not my best look, uh, no lighting, nothing vanity-wise was, it was just to film the show, to film whatever the fuck was about to happen to me.


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[Assistant] My method with stand up is to write on stage, and then once I feel like I have a pretty good stronghold on it,


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[Assistant] Be, be present. I just want to be as, I still just yearn for being in that moment. Present. Always, always. Not leaving my mind to wonder what something else, what somebody's thinking of me. It's like, that's, I'm so determined to


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[Assistant] To get to that place where it's just, it's more zen, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Or sometimes people will write something, every once in a while something hits my eye line and I'm like, I'm gonna say something. I'll DM a person. Then suddenly they're like,


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[Assistant] Bananas. It was bananas, but it was also like...


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[Assistant] I, I think I had, uhm, I understood what a, like the, the long term career looked like, cause I, because I'd become a reader, I'd read biographies, autobiographies and,


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[Assistant] And I was like, oh wow, okay, at some point the wave breaks and then, uhm, people like that.


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[Assistant] I can run, man. Oh, because it was, it was to a point I think where...


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[Assistant] Uhm, it was a bit of overexposure as well, and so people just, you know, they see something a lot, a lot, a lot, and then it's, I think, just a natural tendency, and I'd be hypocritical if I said I didn't do it, I've done that about stuff, I'm like, another, oh my god, why do we need, but, Jesus Christ, Kevin Hart.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and, and so, I just kind of, uhm, I, I saved all this money from all these years of working. I've never been...


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I don't mind. Sometimes I just, people always want to talk about it, so I try to usually step away from it, but if I bring it up, it's like,


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[Assistant] I don't mind talking about it. It was like, I thought I was good because I had all this money saved from the shows. Right. Hard work. Yep. And then suddenly I'm getting hated and my brother steals my life savings. For people that don't. That's where it was fucking scary. That's terrifying. Because I was like, I may never come back. I might not have another moment.


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[Assistant] Yes, siphoning millions and millions of dollars.


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[Assistant] I woke up one morning, uhm, I was buying a home in California, and because I was buying a house here, my business was still run out of a P.O. box in Massachusetts, and I knew that once you're resident, you can't really do that, the IRS doesn't, you know, because it's less taxes in Massachusetts and all this stuff.


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[Assistant] So I ended up talking to my brother and saying, you know, I found a new business manager out here. You're going to have a different position in the company. You know, you can do fulfillment center stuff or merger and I'm just going to do my stuff out here because I'm buying a home.


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[Assistant] This is, this is what's really crazy about it, is that on the Friday, I wrote,


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[Assistant] I love my brother. I really did. He was, he was my first real best friend in my life. And I wrote him a letter on the Friday because I knew he was a little trepidatious about me moving the, the business. I told him, hey, it's going to be alright. Everything's going to be great.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I've got some new ideas. I think I know how to, you know, come back with a, with a, you know, rocky two moment.


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[Assistant] And, uh, he wrote to me on that Friday, the last three words he ever said is my brother. He said, to the future. And then Monday I woke up and I literally sat up in my bed, turned to my girlfriend, woke her up, and I go, I think my brother stole all my money.


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[Assistant] And it was starting, even my new business manager was like, this is, you know, really off kilter, usually people will send a meet, and it hit me. And I went down to Bank of America on the corner of Crescent Heights and Santa Monica, and I went in, I talked to the manager, she brought me into her office, and basically it was like, yeaah, there's nothing in your corporate accounts.


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[Assistant] She couldn't, I couldn't even get into my own accounts. I gave her my federal ID number, I gave her, she goes, none of these work. He'd given me false. Yeah. I'd never looked in my bank.


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[Assistant] I said, you're gonna wanna find my brother. I said, not only because of what he's probably stolen from me. I said, but probably what he's stolen from the state.


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[Assistant] And then they were like, we're on it. And so they got him, they arrested him and his wife and I ended up having to go into court a year later and read what is known as a victim impact letter. In front of this, uh, in front of my brother. Yeah, it was like a movie moment. It was really unbelievable.


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[Assistant] I sent him to, actually he was a, before he worked for me, he was a corrections officer.


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[Assistant] So, it's weird, because that was the ca- he quit the prison to come help his little brother. What did I do? I worked harder. Cause now I gotta make it in an eye.


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[Assistant] Change any of this? Zero. Literally everything was something that led to a more fortunate situation for me. Which is-


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[Assistant] And I, I felt it. And seeing him and looking at him that day in the, in the courtroom was surreal. Because he looked like a shark. He just had dead nothing eyes. Nothing. No emotion. I didn't look at a person who I knew.


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[Assistant] I was looking at a stranger. We had different dads. Different dads, same mom, different dads. There ya go. That explains it. Telling ya. Is that right? There's a lot to that. Yeaah. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Psycho, yeaah. The whole family had impact disorder.


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[Assistant] That's impact disorder. It's like people that don't know, like, oh no, there's a...


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[Assistant] Uh, you know, a sociopath is somebody who, you know, they, uhm, they're like chameleons. You know, they know how to become what you are or all of that. I don't know what just happened.


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[Assistant] You know what, they just, they, it's called squirreling. They just hate a lot of it. I have money actually. There's probably, I should make treasure maps, cause I know that there's some places where there's some money. They stash them.


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[Assistant] I got a little chunk of it. I got like about a year and a half later, the police opened up a wall in his house and found $800,000 and the cops called me and sent me a picture of my email. They go,


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[Assistant] Look at this fucking money we got, kid. Coming back to you, kid. And so a little, oh but then they had to hold that. So I didn't see that until like years later. He also didn't pay my taxes, so I had to pay more in penalties.


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[Assistant] Tens of millions of dollars for me. And I had


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[Assistant] $325,000 in stocks. Something you can't pull out easily. He, he was like pulling everything out that last year once I saw the, uh, a forensics audit, they call it. Uh, I got to see kind of what he did and how he did it. Uhm, but he couldn't take that stock money. So I took that stock money.


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[Assistant] And, now that's 07. We're in the worst housing crisis in the, you know, that the country's seen in however many years. Yeah.


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[Assistant] People were like holding on to their money. I took that money and I started a rent, uh, renting arenas.


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[Assistant] So the arena tour was, I rented those arenas. I rented those like you rent a hall.


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[Assistant] Exactly. It was like, okay, here's the door deal at this, you know, 15,000 seater. I played a hundred arenas and what I did is every month I'd rent three or four more because I was starting to, you know, get this money back and what was really honestly amazing, the thing that, that touched me the most was


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[Assistant] I knew I'd already hit like this upper wave. I knew I had fans and fan- most of your fans are gonna be your fans if they like you and you don't fuck up.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I didn't, I wasn't ready for the outpouring of support in how many people actually did spend their hard earned dollar. So, they came, they saved my life in a sense. And it gave me a new outlook on like, for the rest of my life, I'm never gonna do a movie or a TV show or anything that I don't feel like is truly, uh,


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[Assistant] I think some people knew. Yeaah. Cause I do meet and greet and they'd come up and they'd be like, hey, you know, just glad that we could be here, uh, you know, for each other. You make us laugh and we know that you're going through some stuff. That's very cool though. Yeaah. And then of course there'd be some people in the meet and greet and be like, uh,


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[Assistant] After that. I didn't lose my trust. I didn't really lose my trust in people. I definitely-


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[Assistant] Once that started to go away, I was like, oh, I never really fixed myself. I just felt like I was the guy on stage and that gave me a new respect off stage. So I didn't have to confront.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you know, there's part of me that goes, okay, well, it's just, I, you know, I trusted him, I loved him, you know, betrayed with, with love. But I also never have cared about the money.


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[Assistant] Because we were, we just barely got by. My mom used to, you know, clean toilets and do housekeeping.


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[Assistant] And we had a great, we could have a great night with ten dollars. And so, I don't know, there was just a part of me that, that I didn't put a lot of value in money. So I just didn't really look. I thought, oh, he's, he's, he'll take care of it. And his words were, you take care of the creativity and I'll pay your bills.


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[Assistant] No, no, it's, we're real careful about that. But I did tell him some years ago, I go, there's going to be a moment or a day when you're going to want to sit down and you're going to say, Uncle Dane, I need to ask you some hard questions. I said, when that day comes, I will literally fly to you. I'm never going to not be straight up with you. So.


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[Assistant] You know, if he wants to ever talk about it, he knows that. That's very cool of you. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean, bad for me, but that's his son.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah. They just, they lived a double life, you know? Wow. Yeaah, when he'd see me, he was just kinda like a plain jeans and t-shirt guy, but not around me, they were, they were just insane.


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[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeaah, everything like, just living like, uh,


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[Assistant] Well, not yet. What you wanna do, I think the jet, I think the best- Wait, first of all, this is a good start, keep going.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' goin' for it. It's too short, right? It's like after a while you're gonna be like,


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[Assistant] That was like, uhm, going through a portal of like, hey I'm a boy, all these years being like veiled with these lies or whatever he was doing to manipulate me. And then suddenly I was, okay, I'm a guy, I'm a man, I have to sign my own checks and I have to be...


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[Assistant] Yup, my best buddy. Yup. And then my dad, he was awesome too. We'd kinda like, did the dad son thing for a lot of years where we just kinda were at odds. You know, cats in the cradle shit. And then finally we figured it out. So we, I had a great,


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[Assistant] I got to show him everything I ever wanted to do. I got to show him everything I told him I could do.


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[Assistant] He's kind of a dick. And he's like, ehh. He's always just sitting on the cart when we pull the truck in.


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[Assistant] And strip it way down to like, maybe it's like a low, uh, villainous day. So he's just gonna put on the basic lipstick and some...


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[Assistant] Which is cool. It's been awesome. Some of the places are just, I've never played them before, so some of them are like really exciting.


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[Assistant] First official like named tour in about five years.


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[Assistant] Oh, it feels good. Yeah, but you know, hearing that from other con- I don't think there's any more flattering, uhm, feedback than we get from telling each other when we're, you know, doing something good. And it doesn't happen a lot, so I appreciate that.


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[Assistant] You are. Yeah, we're already putting together something for maybe some October or November dates. We're just trying to figure it out. So we are not announcing where it is yet though, right? Not announcing yet. I just want to make sure I can get everything lined up, but yeah, I can't wait. I've been really chomping at the bit to finally put this material down and then move on to whatever's next. That's awesome. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know too. I am too.


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[Assistant] I asked him, will you ever date your mom? And he said, will you date your son? I said, honest truth, yes, I would. Cause 19 years, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I really want to be with you the rest of my life.


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[Assistant] You always seem to say the right thing to just the right person. What's your secret? I'm really just talking to myself.


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[Assistant] I don't know if I'm supposed to say the word meh, or just M-I-H. It's Obi-Wan. Uh-uh. Obi-Wan Kenoli.


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[Assistant] All different kinds of music too. So talented, all our music people. Hip-hop stuff. EDM stuff.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna be in flow right up, no wait, this is going up in another week. I'm gonna be in Portland, Maine, let's see, all those are sold out. There's some late show tickets March 30th.


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[Assistant] In New Haven at the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts. Early shows sold out. Couple tickets left for the late show. Then I'm really excited about April.


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[Assistant] Uh, you can get tickets to the Late Show in Wisconsin, uh, in Madison, Wisconsin at the Orpheum. The Late Show in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater.


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[Assistant] And the Late Show on Sunday, April 14th in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium. From there...


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[Assistant] April goes from Bethlehem to Boston. The only show you can get into in Boston is April 28th at the Chevalier Theater in Medford. Medford, MA!


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[Assistant] And then from there, Portland and meat rattle. It's going to be a really fun time.


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[Assistant] The comedy on state people that.


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[Assistant] This show today is loaded. We've got too much good stuff to get into. Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. So you feel, you feel. I'm coffee.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I respect. And I really do. If anybody was like, here's my, my pronoun, I'm gonna call you by your pronoun, your preferred pronoun, but you gotta expect some mistakes.


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[Assistant] You know, out of the gate. Right. There's no way you're walking around like that. Cause she looks like she could, you know, start at defensive tackle right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I guess she is at a GameStop or something like that, right?


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[Assistant] Okay, a non-descript game store trying to I think make a return and...


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[Assistant] Uh, I think it's, you know, she's being offered, as all game stores do, you're like, I bought this for 60 bucks. They're like, we'll give you two dollars. You're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, trying to maybe do a sale, like return or something like that, uhm, and then gets indignant, very upset about, I think, the offer that's being made for the game, and then is misgendered.


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[Assistant] She's so fired up, it's almost like- I know. I kinda feel bad, you know? I do.


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[Assistant] But, you know what I learned from uhm, what was that show?


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[Assistant] Like, remember there was a guy who was transitioning, uh...


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[Assistant] There's a guy who was transitioning to a woman and


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[Assistant] Had just basically started. Right. And looked like me with longer hair. Right, right. And no beard, but like, big shoulders. And she was getting her nails done, and somebody was like, hey man, and she was like, God!


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[Assistant] Now that I hear it and I see this, now I feel like you probably should. And you know what the lead in is? You don't have to say what's your pronoun, it's what's your name. What's your name? Because sometimes someone's gonna be like, oh it's Angela. And you'll be like, I was gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, but like then the pr- if you're following it up, you go, what's your name, what's your pronoun? Then it's like you're trying to make an effort. And if they're like, the fuck are you asking me that for? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] You can't be like, I'm just like casual. Casual girl. No dude.


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[Assistant] It should be like mandatory that your mind plays that game. And your mind should also, if you're somewhat, I mean, unless you're like miserable, but your mind should get to the point where it goes like, oh, but this wouldn't work out. So like that's the game that your mind plays. I think everyone does that though. You see the person, you're like, I could be married to you, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you'll be like, uh, she doesn't give good head. You can see the way she's eating.


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[Assistant] Well also, you know, like, just conversation is a big one, right? So I'll start being like, oh yeaah, what if I was married to her and then she starts talking and I'm like, oh for fuck's sake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I have just, uh, I don't know, I guess...


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[Assistant] My professional demeanor on with them, like just polite, nice, you know, a couple times, then they come to a show and they're like, whoa.


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[Assistant] No, but you never give me shit about it either. No. Messy? I know, that's why we work out. I know.


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[Assistant] I'd be like, oh shit, that's like big shit earlier.


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[Assistant] And she'll be like, you know, I did not sign up for this. I'm like, that's what you got now. This is your new man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. My nuts, yeaah. I wore those compression shorts to the gym yesterday.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, what the- how many guys out there- musk, kinda, bru-


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[Assistant] That's so weird. Without Coach, I wouldn't even know what to do. Without Coach. Yep.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I'm really excited. And it actually informed me, and I think you're gonna be happy about this, I now think it is stupid.


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[Assistant] Praise Jesus. You know why? There's no utility in jewelry. You're absolutely 100% right. So the idea that you would spend that amount of money on something I just put around my neck. Silliness. It's stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And that's why I want to refocus my efforts and yours hopefully into getting a jet. I was watching this show selling jets where couples who look like they own jets were buying jets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the great thing. I learned that most jet brokers let you just put 20% down. So it's like buying a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is that there's so many options, you know? Like there's light jets, mid-size jets, super at mid, heavy, I mean I think right now we're probably looking at like a super light or something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the fun part is you can decide, you know? You just basically look at, you know, your needs. And uhm, here's the great thing I found out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found out that, uh, through executive charter services that manages these, uh, jets, we can bring down basically our whole operating costs by at least 50% just by chartering it out 150 hours a year. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can I say to get you to just sign off on this jet idea? Nothing. There's nothing you can say that would make this remotely logical. I got an idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll donate some of my flying hours to the church.


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[Assistant] I got an idea. That makes sense. Hey, we gotta book Ron White.


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[Assistant] He's the best. We gotta get him on here. We gotta talk about, we gotta get him to talk.


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[Assistant] He has a Texas place, but he's in LA a lot. And we just need him to do a sales pitch on why we should get a plane.


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[Assistant] Alright, great idea. Thanks. I love runway. Thanks Ron, in advance.


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[Assistant] And we are back and this is one of the most exciting times that we have doing this podcast. We get to bring in a hilarious comedian, a good friend,


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[Assistant] Two for you, two for the lady that's not gonna live long after she leaves there.


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[Assistant] Let's get you a different style blanket, you know? Okay. Yeah, that's not a bedroom blanket. And that's just some clutter at the end of my bed, I'm sorry. That's fine.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe like, uh, you know, whales jumping out of


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[Assistant] Ultimate, he was the ultimate, like, we've seen this with people that are talented, where we, uhm, the talent.


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[Assistant] That pollutes our mind into excusing certain behaviors. That's a hall pass. But he is the ultimate talent and fame where he was so famous and so talented that we were like, he fucks boys but I mean, have you seen Thriller? Like that was basically it.


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[Assistant] I think to the non-sexual abuser, it's probably a turn off, but I think to somebody that celebrates, uhm, pedophiles, like my dad says.


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[Assistant] We fucked in here, we did it in here. Whereas before, if you didn't know any of this stuff, you'd be like, I wanna have this Michael Jackson house to remember, honor Michael Jackson. Now you'd be like, we gotta tear this shit apart, man. This is like a murder shot.


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[Assistant] If he hadn't pushed it past that, he, yea, it would have been like, oh this guy had a little work done, but he, and then he just kept going.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he'll be in protective custody. But he also, there's a term for it, and I forget what it is, I've seen it in one of these shows that he actually targeted, uhm, women entering their sexual age of like 14, 15 years old. That's what I mean, so the prisoners were


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[Assistant] I think this guy's still in office. I love him. But he summarized the celebration of Michael as being ridiculous like this.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, I think for people who don't know, those people who are listening or watching who don't know about the R. Kelly details.


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[Assistant] Basically, like for people that aren't well informed on the R. Kelly scandal, it's that he, like part of it is that he's been keeping women, uh, basically as sex slaves, like locked up in homes with like no cell phones.


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[Assistant] What we're gonna do is we're gonna start off in these clubs, it's gonna be this, and then theaters, and it's a three year plan, you're gonna make millions of dollars, you're gonna sell all these tickets, uh, come to my house, first things first, hands behind your back, mouth open, I'm, I'm dipping my balls in your mouth. And who is this guy?


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[Assistant] He's a heavier set man, older, doesn't smell very good.


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[Assistant] Just the buttplugs. Try that guy.


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[Assistant] This is the pitch. The guy says, come over to my house, suck my balls and eat my ass every day, I'm gonna fuck you in all your holes, and then I'll give you gigs.


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[Assistant] You know, you're putting that out there. They have a right to get their dick sucked now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's definitely finishing in your asshole.


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[Assistant] God, it came so much in your butt, but good news. You're playing Talia Hall in Chicago, I'll see ya.


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[Assistant] Alright, then drink my piss. Drink my piss. Chuck grabs a towel and hands it to her. Dry yourself off. Clean yourself off. How's that piss taste, hm?


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[Assistant] Yes. Did I piss in your eyes? I'm sorry. It's piss all over your neck and your hair. But you love me.


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[Assistant] Exactly like that. I kinda wanna send that to a couple directors. Yeah, you could, I mean, you could play some...


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[Assistant] Right before he snaps somebody's neck. And we hope one day he tells us where the bodies are. But Garth is, uh, a really, we were talking about Creeper musicians. You know who we didn't talk about? We didn't have, uhm, I was trying to think of his name, uh, uh, Jerry Lee Lewis.


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[Assistant] That's what we're talking about, that weighing the fame and the talent against doing something horrible.


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[Assistant] Fuck him, he's fat. Oh man, uhm, yeaah, so speaking of, uh, old G, by the way, how does old Wheeler like being, uhm,


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[Assistant] How does she feel about you, you know, touring as this country artist and, you know, doing shows on the road?


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[Assistant] Yeah, so hold on one second, we gotta stop one second. Well, that was fun, uhm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, you know, I just try to keep it real on the show. Keep it true to who we are.


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[Assistant] Now, uhm, the three of us, you know, really like to dissect G and, uhm, a lot of his antics. You actually, we're always on the lookout for new G, uh, footage and, and material, but you actually pointed out this to us.


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[Assistant] Wait, pause. Do you think it's kinda weird to wear your own G hat? Like, should I get T hats and wear them? Would you wear a T hat? I wear a C hat. A C hat, yea.


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[Assistant] Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it'll be like all, they'll just show footage like this. He was always like, hi y'all. Lots of waving and smiling. And then, you know, his billboards like, let's just, let's love one another. And then it'll be like, and this is where he cut people's hands off. And it'll be like on his ranch.


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[Assistant] Every time he wants to really make a point on any of his social media,


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[Assistant] He always, always goes to, and then I, he talks like that. Yeaah. He always has to do his sexy voice. I'm like, it's, it's so forced and it's, it just sends shivers. I like that.


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[Assistant] And do you also, you realize too that they'll be like, there's like a CBS executive who's like, hey we were thinking for the promo and he was like, I got the fucking promo.


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[Assistant] Oh wow, really broken up. He's gotta be one of the only, I mean I know about Tidal and all that, but it's like, he's gotta be the only major artist where you can't hear one fucking thing on iTunes. Nothing. That's silly.


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[Assistant] I would love to see him, like the, like the footage after, when they're like, and now just, uh, we're gonna take you down this way. He's like, why the fuck am I up here right now? Like I would love to see him snap and drop the wholesome thing, you know?


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[Assistant] What do you think of that buckle? That's like an intense buckle, right?


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[Assistant] Sure. It's a good song for Potter to listen to too.


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[Assistant] Oh man, I'm just getting started. I haven't started yet.


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[Assistant] Now that's awesome man. I love it. And yea, it's definitely turning a corner. It's a more mature wheel air for sure.


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[Assistant] It is. I remember last time we spoke, you know, I think your mom went to one of your shows and she was like, God.


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[Assistant] I mean, you know, you sing so beautifully. And this one she loves. This one she loves.


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[Assistant] Is your dad, is he like, you know, you with this nonsense music, is he like, is he like that?


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[Assistant] Fuck all that shit, man. Just focus, dude. By the way, I will give you a break on any air chartering you're looking for, uh, in future tours with this plane I'm building.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well I am, and uhm, I just wanted to extend that to you, I'll give you a discount.


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[Assistant] I know, but I'm over Morton's completely. By the way, I like Larsen's a lot more than Morton's, just so that the Morton's people can hear that.


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[Assistant] This is a great promo. I mean, between jets and AirPods, someone should step up.


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[Assistant] It's so great, it's so great to have you here. I want people to make sure, can I see that album? Can you hand it to me? Or toss it or whatever? Yeah, there you go. Boom. And maybe we go in on this one here. Check it out. Is that a good place to hold it? Yeah? Boom.