[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's true. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see what these J's have to say. They usually decide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you be surprising me with costs I didn't know about at some point in this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we can just get this straight, please. The, uh, the fucking, what was the guy, oh, he, at the very end, we had a bathroom remodel, this was like a while back when we lived here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not there. And the last day one of his, it's actually his kid, goes like, here's a piece of paper, it's just like, last invoice. And it was ten grand. And I was like, what is this for? Just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Add on things, things that change along the way, and I'm like, that's a very round number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I looked through the, one of the things was like, It was itemized, right? Itemized, but it was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wood box that you chose, 500, the thing, like all these like just, I go, what is this one? And it was like a grand, or two grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, you changed the original design for the bathroom. I'm like, what are you talking about? So what? I go, what is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy's like, yeah, you didn't, he actually said, I have it in email, which is amazing. He's like, you didn't have the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you just gotta go like, you pay taxes and you just move forward. If you just sit there and like, vent or think that it's, you know, like, I can't believe, it's like, you just have to move forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell you that like, like a friend who does not work in accounting go like, hey you know you don't have to pay taxes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have one of my friends do that to me. He was like, you know, you don't have to pay taxes. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like, you don't. And I go, like which taxes? Like income tax and stuff? And he was like, you don't have to pay it. And I go, no, you do. He's like, you really don't. I go, no, you don't. That's called tax evasion. I mean, you can, it's a crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to check this out, and I go, is this what you're doing? Are you doing this? Because this is not going to end well for you, I hope you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you at that time, like a subcontractor or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get, and I'm like I need to do taxes. So somebody refers me to this guy in Glendale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's so funny, I meet with him, you know, I bring my stuff, I have receipts for things, and he's like, uhm, he goes, so, uh, this year, uh, did you get, uhm, did you get a bunch of haircuts? And I'm like, I go, yeah, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, how much do you think you donated? Probably like 500,000, something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, 500, 1000, like, and then like the whole time he would just make suggestions and then he would just nod at me and I was going, oh, okay, yeah, I think so. Anyway, I mean, it still, it didn't amount to much because I wasn't making much, but he was just trying to like, just write off everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes we call him native, yeaah. Uhm, sometimes we call him Nevada or whatever, you know. Nevada. As long as it has an N. Uhm, hahaha. Uh, Vandal. So, there is a, uhm, it profiles these horror stories of roommates. Right. But like the finale is profiling a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who did really well in school, went to law school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems like he had some type of mental break. Like, like, you know, like a guy who's smart, but just something really smart. And one thing that he, too smart, one thing that he learned was all, like the state


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was, it was a nightmare. It was just, it reminded me of like having specialized knowledge in something that allows you to exploit it. And it was, it was horrible. I mean, he just, and then as they're telling you like the big story, they would flash back to other times he'd done it to other people. All these people that were like, this guy ruined my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I think he's, I hope he's dead. Uhm, Johnny Pemberton tickets are available on your site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I may say so, we are all huge, huge fans of your t-shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had it on at work. I've got a couple, I've got a Moderna one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for coming today. Yeaah, it's great to be here. I love it. Always great to see you. Uhm, don't forget, see Johnny live, check out his YouTube, get his shirt, and thank you guys for watching. We'll see you next- by the way, I had a blast with you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are a mother and I can get a hold of you at any time and see you at any time, that's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are a mother and I can't get a hold of you and see you anytime, that also is a problem. I don't want to raise another man's seed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a lion kingdom, if a lion comes into a pride and he sees that, well, the lion ass has little cubs,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna come in and get the lion ass, and guess what I'm gonna do with the lion, the, the lion cubs? Yeah, I'mma offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what happens? It's your job to straighten her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make her an honest woman as one woman who had kids said. I'm so thankful for my husband because he took on my kids and made me an honest woman. But you was a liar before you met him? You was a cheat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explain this honest woman thing, and I can't make you that. I want a woman as honest when I first meet her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I give good advice because it's good advice. And the best way for us to start a black community, a strong one, is for men to be with the women who they have kids by. Am I with them? Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only dudes that ain't shit will sit around and sleep with women who got kids by other people. What?! I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just shows me how irresponsible a woman is because she got like 31 damn flavors of birth control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there sure is. That's what they're there for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a while ago. That was a minute. Yeah. That was a few weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Toronto and Montreal fucking top tier man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually did, but I, I requested, I said, can I get Norm Summerton's special French Canadian poutine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shits and pisses in its own food, and they're like, go away, America. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and especially if you've got some booze in your belly. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, something with sops that stuff, greasy, heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the specifically the French Canadians, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, trouble fries? Yea, excellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woop woop! Uhm, yea dude, this dude is rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, people are like, you remember that moment? Three, three complete days?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you think in that period of the period that she's allowed to hit somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, and then I also had like, I had this woman one time that I went to high school with, who came to a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 20 years later and you know, people, people's changes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was now a, a pretty substantially large individual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, it's fine. During the show, as many people do, she got hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes when uhm, you know, we had like, we were high school buddies, like friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know a lot of playful rapport. And I start joking with her after the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, holy shit, you know, and she, and then she was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barking off and you can see that like the alcohol, you know, that does it. So I have a, an actually a relative one time who punched me in the back of the head, a female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I get that like, if you get, but I mean, I didn't, I didn't hurt her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I understand, but still men do, like in that, in both those situations, I showed restraint. Yes. Like these two women hit the fuck out of me and I was like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the natural thing is that you know you're the, you're the bigger species in the two, in the thing. So you, you hold back, but I also look if some, if, if I had seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to me to somebody else and I'd seen the guy retaliate? I wouldn't think it's crazy. I wouldn't think it's a crazy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you sound like a woman that needs to get checked right now. I mean, is it, do you need, do we need to take a break? Do you need to fix this or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had all kinds of visions of violence, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, a rock to the head or like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oops, you do the oopsie. Oh no, he took two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yea, I mean, I've had thoughts of, you know, tire iron all the old Bundy way, back of the head. That has to feel unbelievable. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like the, just the turnaround moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a brighten my day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, the truth is, you know, I haven't wanted to kill you that many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the thing about when a place is- it is a little bit-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think it is? Is that you don't want to adapt to the change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like the change because for you, it was comfortable just to go to Manhattan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've gone to Brooklyn, uh, four or five times. I mean, I did a show there, I did Kings, but like, when I stay, I don't stay there. I stay downtown because it's what I'm familiar with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't really want to change that. The furthest north, I go to midtown for like briefly, and then I always go back downtown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there also is some cool shit happening that you're like, you know, you're just aging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey you! Yea, you. Got bush? You definitely do if you haven't tried the best products from our sponsor today, Manscaped. Taking control of your bush is important. These products are so good, you're going to be showing pride in your new bush-free yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fact that you will have the best kept nutsack on the cul-de-sac. Save big and be the most hygienic version of yourself by using our discount code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom for 20% off and free shipping at manscape.com. Trim all that hair back. It'll appear that you have more stuff in size than you do. And it also might, you know, kind of nudge somebody to put their mouth on it if it's not covered in hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The grooming package I highly recommend is the Performance Package 4.0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they have a bunch of other products on their website to help you maximize your confidence and grooming game. Get 20% off plus free shipping with our code MOM at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use our code MOM. It's time you level up from the Amazon to the Amidong. The ultimate bushwhacking tools for Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point. It's sort of like, maybe a lot like the Silver Lake argument in Los Angeles. Because Silver Lake was like hipsters and like there's cool shit and then people with money started to move in there. Kind of hipsters that succeeded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was a, like, struggling comic like you, and we're in Silver Lake, this east side Los Angeles neighborhood, kinda hipsters, I never was a hipster, but it felt, you know, kinda like you fit in because you're of the right age group and you're trying to make it in a, you know, an art field. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when, I don't know, when you, there was like a certain age where I was like, oh, I think I've outgrown, I'm too old. Too old. Get the fuck out. I'm like, not artsy enough, you know, to, to, this isn't the right place anymore. Yeah. Um, I always thought it was funny to, to, to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the 42 year old hipster and his wife with their kids in like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like hipsterish neighborhood and you're like, this is okay. This is what you want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're trying too. And you can't tell that guy he's not cool. He doesn't accept it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get meth there and you get robbed and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool? Super cool. That's also true for, um, areas of Long Beach. Oh, Long Beach is cool. Like actually have like very cool shit going on. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. Um, got like very trendy. Not the whole entire city. The LBC. But there's areas of it that are very cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember, cause I remember, uh, Louie's reaction when we told him where, where RPC lives and he was like, he was like, wow, up there. He was like, Oh God. It's like, it's so bleak. It's like 1972.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he lives there? It was like an immediate reaction. And it was because he actually knew those cross streets, you know? That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still, I still have the like geographical knowledge of a tourist here. I don't know fucking anything, anything. It's terrible. Did you take, you take the loop? I don't know what I took. I followed the directions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, not like that. Uhm, apparently it says that he's trying to bring lim- lymphedema. Am I saying it right? Awareness? Yeah. Yeah. Uhm. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, and he's got a really very disturbingly swollen foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he has it talking to you. He's like, hello little foot. I don't really feel like it's an awareness video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel like I gotta put something else on that screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she is, she's like, I'm new to Instagram. I think she has three videos, but I want to know the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's in, she said Mesa, I think, is that Arizona, it's in Arizona. Looks like she's driving in the desert. She has pretty wild dental history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my guess would be this is drug related?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll tell you something. I saw something on her page. I'll tell you what it said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you go to the GoFundMe, can you, can you bring that to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the confidence to smile at my father. Okay, let's see what it says here. Make that bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Kristen and I'm terrified to see my father or him to see me with the lack of teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dread my father having to walk me down the aisle to my fiance standing at the altar looking at the repulsive embarrassment that is my smile. My teeth have kept me from getting higher, caused a lot of people to treat me differently, so it really affected the way I see myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worst of all, my smile keeps me from seeing my dad. Uh, I plan to get full dentures, please make this happen. Well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? What? What's your, what's your look for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll, uh, we'll tell her something if she does the podcast with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, you got it. That's it. Uhm, yeaah, I don't know, I did not see this before. All I saw was that video, and like Christina said, there's a lot going on in that video. There's so much to break down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty... Oh! Uhm, oh my god. Do you remember the Garth thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but for people that don't know though, uhm, we need to have the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've had an email and a follow-up email about Garth's jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, being, it was at a, I think at the hangar in Nashville, and the dude that cleaned it was like, oh, there's a huge fucking shit stain, and there's like brown shit on the carpet, and we've tried to clean it, didn't even come up, then he said, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're actually not great about paying the bills and they don't, they want you to like do this for them and like all this stuff where you're just like, what the fuck are you talking about? And you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The details of it are here. I'll see if I can. Okay. So there you go. Look at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What goes on the outside of the toilet and look at the brown. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it looks like somebody actually exploded inside, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of a sudden this message comes in, it just says, uh, hey the video and information about GarthJet was untrue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And didn't shit all over his bathroom floor in his jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, you know, I'm sure everything is up to snuff there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we just making the what's important important. You guys know. So I just wanted to make that clear. Uh, we both started today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got up and we did fitness. And you made an astonishing observation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hour and a half, two hours before we then have to get in the car and come here to the office. We both did our separate fitness routines in the car. You made a mind blowing observation. Would you like to share it with the audience?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your workouts are with like, uh, the ladies coaches you guys online. Yes. And has bands and all this, right? You're getting like planks and pushups and all this different routine. Which is amazing. Right. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things I've observed about you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, when it comes to fitness, you're like, I've showed you like try this and you go, that doesn't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, well yeah, it's not a massage. This is a workout. And you're like, yeah, but it doesn't feel like it's straining and stressful and like my legs are burning. That's the workout part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who did, uh, amazing, amazing, uhm, was, uh, what's her name? Bytes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're doing, by the way, we're doing Sober October again this year. Uhm, three of the four of us thought it would be really good for one of us. I'll let you guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one? Uhm, but yeaah, we're doing it, we're actively in it right now. Uhm, Airy Shaffer, Joe, Bart and myself are sober for the month, completely sober. We have a component, a challenge, two components to our challenge of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burning, uh, certain calories per day. In addition, everybody has to do 100 pushups a day and they can't be like burnt style pushups, they're supposed to be real pushups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A quarter of a pushup. Oh. Like going like, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need that uhm, that clip pulled for me, like, of him doing that so I can send it to the group to mock him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't have to do 10,000 steps. We're not chicks. We're doing, uh, uh, no, we each, we, right now, the, I don't know if it's going to change actually, 500 calorie burn in a workout every day, all 31 days and 100 push-ups a day, all 31 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can obviously do more, but you can't do less. It's, it's, what we're doing it is we're, we're going back to one time we did the comp, like when it's competition, like who can beat who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody gets kind of crazy. You know, Joe gets real crazy. We all get kind of crazy. Um, and I think it's to the detriment of your life. So this is like more of the just be disciplined about doing this every day and make making you, you know, when we did the, the yoga challenge,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't sound like we talked, but it doesn't sound that crazy. It's 15 for the month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15 yoga sessions in the month. And you go, that's not that crazy, but you know, your life dictates certain busy things and all of a sudden you miss a few days and now you're having to do those, you know, like, oh shit, I gotta do eight days in a row and you have to really commit. So we just thought it would be good to have something that you have to commit to daily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning, you know, October, I mean I'm traveling this whole month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm touring, I have the kit, it's a busy and we're doing these, so I have to figure out, you know, I don't have a single day where I can go, well, not today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another component of that group thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's people you actually know and are friends with. Yeah. If you put me in a group with strangers, it's less like, I'd be like, I don't give a shit. Like who are these? But when it's your friends and you go like, Oh, I can't not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of wavers, it goes back and forth. It's like, you suck, you're a piece of shit, you know, everybody knows how much you suck. Uhm, and then, and then like, when you see somebody who's like, really maybe struggling, it all turns into encouragement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody talked about that. Um, dietary wise. I appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah, of course. Uh, you, uh, you also are doing the diet, like the food. You're being strict with the food. That's a big component.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you describe fat-free cheese, sugar-less canely, and decaf coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go without cheese if it's fat free cheese. I really will. That's how I'm feeling. I also feel like if you're doing, here's the thing though. Are you being a big fat sloppy piece of shit about how you use cheese? No. Or are you just like sprinkling some cheese on? Cause I will do full fat cheese and just enjoy the taste of it. But you just gotta, you know, you gotta be moderate with it. If you're going like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dumpin' just mountains of cheese on there. No, yeaah. It's different. It's a huge difference too. And restaurants, you know, I'm on the road all the time, so, so many times I'll get an omelet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've had omelets where you go, we're like, yeah, with cheese. And it comes out and it's like a goddamn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking pizza. It looks like, uh, uh, what's it called? Like the cannoli or? Like it looks like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A calzone. A calzone? It's like oozing out of it, and I'm like, come on. So then you have to go light cheese. And when you say light cheese, sometimes they'll just dust it. And that's all you want, I think. Just the spattering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a decaf pod, cause in my, in these hotels they'll have like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they thought it was normal. I was like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do it like after breakfast. So they wake up and they have coffee. And then they, I'm like, you don't brush your teeth first thing in the morning. He was like, mm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I am too. And I also didn't think, it's one of those things where I didn't know that anybody didn't do that. I just assumed that the world


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I didn't know that only poor people use washcloths. I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I just thought this was like a thing. And he was like, and then other people were like, yeah, I also wait until


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brush my, I have my coffee, I eat, then I brush my teeth. You wake up and you just carry that mouth into your first meal. Like, yep. I don't like the way the food tastes after I clean it. So that's what they do. Yeah. There's fucking gross people everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That is a disgusting habit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the first time I was offered a washcloth by a poor friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcoming back to the program, uh, for the, the ninth time. He has a new special. Doug is going to be released on Moment tomorrow, October 6th. Give it up for Matt Bronger, everybody. Hey, thank you. This is awesome. It's been a while. It has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you said it also, I thought you also, we talked about how, it also applies to when people go like, that sucks. You're like, well that sucks to you. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You like, you go, I like this music more, this is what's good. It's like, yeah, to you. To you. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A boomer. She's reluctant to accept that neighborhoods that are now cool, she's like, I don't accept that they're cool. She liked Williamsburg 20 years ago. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What Zuckerberg did in his neighborhood, right? Cause he, he's one of like the very few


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[Assistant] He doesn't live in a palace. He lives in a, I don't know, like a four bedroom house or something in a reasonable neighborhood. So he bought all the houses in the neighborhood. Everybody's house. He bought everybody's house. And then he lets them, he bought it for over value and then they get to lease it back.


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[Assistant] Okay, maybe now he's got a fucking estate. But this is a few years ago. Remember, he and his wife kept this like, everyone was like, you live in this house? This is just like a regular house. But he bought the neighborhood.


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[Assistant] Also, I just, I just learned that was a while ago, he now owns 10 homes. So yeaah, like 10 homes that are up for him. So yeaah, he is, he got into the fun of being a fucking billionaire.


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[Assistant] I talked to a security guy one time who worked for a multi-billionaire that everybody knows. Okay. And I was like, so, you know, what's he like, what's it like to go out with him? He's like, well, you know, he doesn't have a wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what? He's like, yeah, like we would go out with like a group and you know, when he wants something, he would just be like, I want that. And then one of us would get it. If dinner comes, like one of us has a car, but he doesn't actually have a wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He flew with a dude who would grab the bags. Wow. So he walked onto the plane, just like this. And then when he got up, the guy was like, I got your bag, Mike. And so Mike just walks free. That's great.


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[Assistant] He's fifty-something years old, which still devastates him.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's a, it's a good thing if, if you really, if you want barriers between people and you. Which is like what those guys all want. Cause, you know, they don't want everyone texting, calling, asking for shit. So they're like, no, you gotta talk to that guy. And that guy will talk to this guy. And that guy might tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did that joke, he also posted a joke that next week, you remember that? He went on a hike and it said, like, dangerous, you know, cliff, and then he tagged Leo, like, hey Leo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can find that, Jeff Bezos, Leo DiCaprio, yeaah, he did that the week after. First you have to pull up Leo's girlfriend, or excuse me, Jeff Bezos' girlfriend, and the photo of her staring at him at that party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, fall, you know, that thing. You should Google Jeff Bezos. What is his backdrop? Like a space laser?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he did, have you ever seen the picture of him from like the 90s? And he's like, he's a fucking nerd. And then they show him at this, at that conference, that billionaire conference they all go to and he's just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that picture of him. Yeah, that far left one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Amazon. And that's when he has 200 billion dollars on the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, did you just make the observation that if you get in shape, you're more attractive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Just for the comfort. Just be normal. You know? I mean, The Rock is like, like, scary ripped. Yes. Like he's, it's not like, oh, that guy's in shape. He looks like he's a manufacturer.


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[Assistant] But I gotta be hot and I gotta be beautiful and I gotta be gorgeous.


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[Assistant] Not in his chair. There's all kinds of songs. I mean she had jam after jam. It was so many jams. Hit city. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I mean she was the fucking, she was the fucking coolest person on earth for a bit. Oh yeah. Oh, I know.


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[Assistant] She also didn't seem like, um, she was saying this to be cool, but she would be like, I like to fuck. And I get laid when I want to. And it didn't seem like I'm trying to sound like that. You're like, oh, this is authentic. This chick is this person.


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[Assistant] I mean, look at her there. But see, that sentence is what kills her. Isn't that funny? Is that you go, she was. She can't accept that we're talking about 30 years ago.


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[Assistant] Some of them choose to just age gracefully though. Like it's a choice. But I also think the pressure's gotta be unbelievable.


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[Assistant] Oh, thanks. I wish you could have told, uh, eighth grade Tom that.


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[Assistant] So tell me, because I'm excited for you, I love that stand-up is going in this direction with specials, which is comics owning their stuff and putting it out there to their fans and to the world and then getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So where did you, where did you shoot it? Where did the idea come from to do it this way? Like, what's the story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think this model is going to grow and grow and grow, meaning the comedians especially creating things that they own and being able to distribute it themselves and retaining ownership and getting paid for their work. And I think it's just, it's a model that's here to stay and grow. It's going to be really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hard, every act, every group was just absolutely railed by these, like these huge media conglomerates and then now people stop signing deals and they're like, no, I put up my music myself. And that thing just took off. It took off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It still works, that old model still works for some, but it's usually if you're like an enormous band with a huge following. But so many people can break in by just playing their music on these sites and it's just, it's incredible how it worked. I mean that's Chance the Rapper is like how, like the most famous example of somebody who was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turned down everything and then this huge following came to him. It's all his own stuff. He owns everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you have a massive, uh, what is it, Pandora following?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I went to a gig you were doing, and you were on stage, and I go to the bathroom, this guy walks in, there's another guy in there, the guy walks in and goes, there's a chick on stage, and the other guy goes, how are her tits? And I go, they're pretty big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people are getting shined. And here's the thing, the, the, the white dudes who go, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just, they're all full of white guys. It's like, no, what they're, what they, the reality here is that you are not that great. That's what, they always will celebrate, any, any, like a director, if you audition for him and you're just like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't want me. It's like, yeah, you're probably, you know, he probably booked a better actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you didn't fit, it could be, of course for acting as one, cause you could not fit the mold, you'd still be good. But this person who's like, I've never gotten work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm great. It's like, you're not that great. Not if you're never booking. If you're amazing, guess what? You'll get booked. Yes. If you're undeniably fucking funny, not everyone's gonna be like, we don't want anything to do with this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fantastic. There's uhm, yeaah, there's, there's this thing where you have, cause I remember too, after doing Stand Up for a while, you see those comics, who their whole thing is, have to kill, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They won't, they won't not, they won't take a chance.


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[Assistant] I've done the store where the emotional experience of two sets or three sets in a night are completely all over the spectrum. Holy shit yes. And the worst is when you start with a great one and you're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. You walk into the other room and you're just like sweating and you're like, what's happening? And someone's barking at you and you're trying to do, and you're like, what? Cause that room keeps you honest. You know, the O R will keep you honest. Yeah. Like go have your.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing is to see people at that level have a meet, like, not a great set.


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[Assistant] Not the way comics go, I'm trying my, I'm doing all new stuff. And you're like, no you're not. No you're not. I've seen this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit that he wrote down, he's trying it and it's either gonna work or it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, here we go. Let's see if this is horrible or hilarious to you. I guess it's a beekeeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay hon, there's another one here. This one might be bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I marched in a political rally this week. Oh, you did? Yeah, I was in Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had these massive marches in the streets, like anti-trudeau marches. And I'm not anti-trudeau, but I hadn't done any cardio. And I walked out of the hotel and I just got involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I remember meeting a guy one time who was like, yeah, man, I don't wear seat belts. And I was like, okay. And he was like, you know what I mean? I don't have to do it. I was like, you definitely don't have to do it. Just be comfortable. Yeah, for sure.


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[Assistant] This guy had a Corvette too. He had like a fast fucking car. He was like, I don't wear one cause I don't, you know, I'm not, you can't tell me what to do. I was like, definitely. You should see what happens when you take this thing and you hit a light pole and you don't have that thing on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's perfect for the cool guy. The angle's good. The angle's attractive.


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[Assistant] It's obviously a closet, but it's the angle if you're taking a shit that you'd film yourself at. Just like looking down like, baby girl, I'm here for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she's owning it. Yeah, yeah. She's pretty and she's confident and she's just like, check out this eye I put in today. She's got like a whole fucking case full of eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, he was perfect. The perfect male physique. I mean it looked like if you were making a sculpture, a drawing of the perfect physique, it was unbelievable. Yes, yes, exactly. The size, the definition, and it wasn't like,


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[Assistant] Hell yeaah. Well, you know, first of all, this guy, this is the one that lets me know he's for sure done time. Like, probably a couple vids. This dude's done real time. I mean, the, uh, the language choices alone. Like, you know, it's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really common expression for guys who have done time that like, are you a solid motherfucker?


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[Assistant] It was helping us get through the tension, cause it's very, it's very tense. So tense.


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[Assistant] You really feel like you're going to, someone's going to give you a blessing or not.


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[Assistant] We all thought it was our final audition. Yes.


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[Assistant] You know what I remember from that, from that uhm, new faces thing too, is that Kurt Metzger did like material, like he killed with uhm, in the moment stuff, meaning like, like everybody was like, my set is, you know, like restructured stuff, and he was like making fun of Canada and killing and I was like, how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you doing? I was amazed by it. I was amazed by it. It was so funny.


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[Assistant] Why don't you take a coal-powered train?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, a reminder. The new special, Doug, releases on Moment tomorrow, October 6th. You can also keep, uh, it's gonna be available there for a couple weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you are watching this on the YouTubes, there is a link in the description that will take you straight to where you can watch it. Uhm, so congratulations on the special. And thank you for coming, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you just watched a full episode of your mom's house. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's a really cool sound that it makes. That's kinda cool. That's very cool.


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[Assistant] I mean yea, I could be talked into it. Right. Yea, that's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad had the most disgusting habits at restaurants. Like, he had one of those flossers that he'd travel with and just always at the end just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he did this other really cool thing where he'd always ask for a cup of iced water with lemons in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, where if one of us wants to challenge Chad? Do you?


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[Assistant] I mean, I thought I was dumber than Chris, so I don't think I stand a chance. But, I mean, I'm up. As long as it's a different...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that might be interesting to do a little IQ test on.


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[Assistant] Alright. We actually just got a text from the front office. Danny thinks that he could beat chat.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we're looking for it. But it's definitely a re-upload. Oh it is? Yeah, the quality is bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take the wrong loop. I don't know what I took. I followed the directions. That's all I did too. This is stupid. It's fucking stupid.


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[Assistant] Yeah, who's drinking decaf? Why coffee tastes terrible. Coffee tastes terrible.


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[Assistant] I needed the right coach. Sometimes you just need the right coach.


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[Assistant] Mayo based, right? Hilarious. There's those white sauces, I'm trying to tell you. They're trying to get at us. Can't let them in. Can't let them in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he got jacked in his 50s.


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[Assistant] It's much higher here. Death or horrible injury or both. Yes. It's like 70-30. Yeah, it's your mom's house. Fucking guy. Okay. Let's see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a red flag. My guest is Sani Brown, Tom Sigar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you get jealous easily? How do you feel about open relationships? Do you have a sex playlist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you experience me, you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is. Please, erase them from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I could see me fall in love with you. Let's go full throttle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? You're fired, okay? You didn't fall, bro. Ta-ta there, retard!


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[Assistant] Incorporating posse worship in your relationship dynamic in your sexuality has a tremendous amount of benefits. For once, it intensifies pleasure. There is nothing more beautiful than sitting back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In which your partner has their vagina adored, intentionally treated, meditatively touched is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Potentially incredibly healing. It has the capacity to transform and unlock and heal.


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[Assistant] Sometimes. When the time is right. And I think this is something that a lot of men don't know exactly how to do. Either they are on their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incorporating positive worship in your relationship dynamic, in your sexuality, has a tremendous amount of benefits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here are a few examples of how you can worship your partner's pussy. You can take one of these things and do it, or you can combine a few or even all the examples I'm going to give you in one pussy worship ritual. The number one is pussy gazing. Simply look at your partner's pussy and look at it in total love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delicious she tastes. Tell her how wonderful she smells.


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[Assistant] Touch your partner and feel the depth of love and gratitude to the life giving, pleasure giving source that is her pussy at the tips of your fingers as you are touching her, as you are giving her pleasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Touch her playfully in a way that explores. Another beautiful way to do pussy worship is eat her like you mean it. Eat her like you mean it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, lots of tourists around. It's great, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the first thing he said to me when I met him was, I'm the lead editor. Don't ever fucking forget it is what he said to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost went with Fiji, but I chose Vatican City. Chad's correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does. I taught, uh, documentary filmmaking, and uhm, but also my undergrad, I took international studies, so maybe that has something to do with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like, like Tom said, 8, 9, or 10, definitely not. I mean, 7, I can't. Like, I would probably just end things early if I needed to shit before we- I'd be like, I'm not feeling well, I think you should go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As surprising as it is to hear, I try and avoid embarrassment at all costs. Same!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, when you said that Bert shit in your, in your toilet, I was just like, oh, is there some under the seat? Yeah. Yeah. There is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Tom gets under the seat a little bit. Yes. Bert gets under the seat a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and he doesn't do anything, uh, Chris, uh, it comes out fast. So there's skid marks like right at the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, me, you don't really see a sign for me. Uh, and then I don't know how Chad shits. Uh, who else? Zolo? I don't think I know how Zolo shits either, but I think Jayce probably should've like. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, tomato tomato. That's silly.


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[Assistant] Yeah, look at that face. He's like a heavyweight champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not on Snapchat, but I think that's just how you send nudes to each other, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That was so embarrassing. So embarrassing. Hey y'all!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, he's got some... No, it looks like everything has been... This is all in the past now.


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[Assistant] Lambda, lambda, lambda, and omega moos.


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[Assistant] She might even be like 27, 28. That's so old. Could you imagine fucking an 18 year old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Jeans, you've heard me talk about Saatva Mattress Company for years. Why? Because I love them. I believe in this company. I sleep on a solar mattress every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I raise it up when I watch my shows, I vibrate and I fall asleep and it's even got a nightlight on there so when I get up in the middle of the night I don't stumble over everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I have a luxury firm, king size. And I got into Saatva years ago because I wanted a nice bed and I didn't want to pay a ridiculous amount of money. The quality is unparalleled. It's so great. You had a 90 day in-home trial. If you don't like the mattress, you send it back, but you're not going to want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right now you're going to go to satva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next satva purchase. Again, satva.com slash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shit that is spelled S-A-A-T-V-A. If you're looking for a mattress, look no further. Go to sotva.com slash the shit to get your $200 off your next purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You felt like putting on some summer collars, even though it's the middle of winter. I know, Brad gave it to me and he was like- Oh stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Ty Pennington's a huge fan, he comes to my shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, what's wrong with Jimmy Buffett? I mean, I don't know. Is he cancelled or something? No! Look at Miss Pat's big ol' titties right there. She had a special come out, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so fucking funny, dude. It's on Netflix. Check her out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What female equivalent, like who's my female?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's very talented and I really like her, but I don't know if she and I would connect on like an emotional level, like I don't really have, I don't dance or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simon Cowell? Would that be my celebrity? No, he's too mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't act like you don't know the words. Cause you know all the words to like, en vogue and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he's hot. John Stamos is hot for really a TV actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on. No come, not a drop. Here's the thing, Tom listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how hot girls hang out together in gaggles of hot chicks? Do you hot dudes kick it? Like, do you think he and Pitt...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll go out and go chick hunting. You know what I mean? Do dudes do that or just girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have any suggestions? Who would be like a good celebrity match for me to... Hmm... I like like a cool mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oprah? She's no fun. She's all holed up in her mansion and still with COVID, you know. Still? I think she and Gail are still quarantining on the same property. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, Nadav put in Barbra Streisand. He wants me to hang out with Barbra Streisand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Janet Jackson? Well hold on. Babe, she was with Janet Jackson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jackie Jansson Jackson and Janet Jackson. Jackie is in, like, is that one of the Jacksons?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, this is not true. Did you know that Janet Jackson had a baby at like 53?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's got crazy eyes down there next to Emilio. Who's that guy? Brad Beckerman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got crazy eyes. He's an agent, right? He's got agent vibes. Serious show business vibes. That creepy biz. Aww, there's Arsenio. Janet Jackson. Paula Abdul. This is where they were in a relationship. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how the fuck do you date at like 60 anyways? It's gotta be so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventies it starts to turn. You're done. That's it. But you can't get divorced in your sixties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just realized, Margaritaville is literally where drunks are. It's just, it's being drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't, I didn't put it together. I just thought Margaritaville was a place where they maybe served the Margs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just a place where drunks can really enjoy being drunk. That's the whole point, like come and get ripped here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, can you think of anything more horrible than like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean one time I opened for Ted Nugent back in the day, way back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look, I'm not familiar with his music, I just, I know he's very popular, and it was in California, just an hour outside, and it was a lot of people wearing Confederate flag vests and shit, and then I was like, what the fuck is this? I couldn't get out fast enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, samezies. I mean, do you even want to be talking anymore? I don't want to talk. I don't want to have to deal with somebody anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he wants. You're, you're an energy vampire. Yeah. That's what older guys do to younger women. They just, they suck their youth and their joy. And that's what the exchange is, right? I'll give you some money. Yeah. And then you sit on my lap and giggle and, and then yeah, everybody's happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if at like 70, you and I, we're still married, but we're just like, ugh, I'm too tired to deal with you. I still love you. We'll still live in the same house. And we get our medleys. Both of us get like two young,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I get Brad Pitt, you get whoever, Paul Abdul, young version, and they just sit on our laps and like, play with us, like our cum dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting on your lap now. I'm putting titties in your face. But I'm saying that when my titties are down to the floor,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we just hired young people to come and like, let's give it a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just have like people, you know those like naked house cleaning services and stuff? Great idea. It's a great idea. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think there's an old folks home somewhere in Florida where the whole staff has to be naked and young and hot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's his demographic, right? They're all in that age bracket. It's not a bad idea. I'd rather go to his retirement home than the sad ass, you know, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His mommies are like parrots. They're called parrots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. Searching from a lost shaker of salt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof, I think she might be a Nantucket cutie- I mean, this is terrible. I don't wanna go there. Sounds like a real-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, if you just drive like two hours this way, uh, there's this town and there's all these breweries and then there's the vineyard and then there's, and you're like, I don't, I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, cause here's, I'm not a prude, I drink. Yeah, me too. But I think you're right, there's something to like, the whole day's plan is drinking, like every now and then totes, once a year. Hey guys, let's get fucked up during the day. Great. But when everything you do is like, we gotta go to this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loser pit? No, not, you know what's the bigger loser pit? And they don't even, it doesn't even exist in most airports anymore. The glass box where people can still smoke in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stinky. Vegas, you can still smoke everywhere in Vegas, right? Can't you just smoke on the showroom floor in Vegas still?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I would rather have a smoking open section indoors and just let people smoke in a wing. Then the box is so demeaning. Do you know what I mean? Like we're sealing you into this box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's disgusting. Loser, I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgive me if I've said, have I said this before on the podcast? This guy who, I think we were landing in Austin and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm not on the same wavelength as you. I have two little kids. Like, I'm not. You think I'm a drunk mom? Like, look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I like to drink at home. I don't know, I don't want to be out in public. Like I don't mind drinking, what, is that stupid to drink at home? No. Oh. I like to just have like, just be tasteful in my own house. Yeah. And not have to smell other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when we, yeaah. Remember when we went to a bar in, uh, Florida, Cuntwiffs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cunt whips. And that place was packed, dude. And it was during like hardcore pandemic and they don't give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't give a shit. But people really love being at Cutwiffs and there was like a horrible band and I just love it. Love being out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we were saying, wouldn't that really, much like Margaritaville, excellent marketing. You got it. Are you a booze bag? Are you angry at a woman? Can't find your salt shaker? Like all that stupid shit? Come to Margaritaville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like to whiff em. Come here, you sniff the bar stools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So speak, okay, I can't, I'm not even gonna talk about pussy juice coffees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, what do you love? That was Listerine. Why do you love pussy? What's the smell, the smells?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] O M Jeans. You know me. I'm into my best fiends. I'm on level 164 now. Please don't be jealous. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my absolute favorite, Best Fiends. It's a mobile puzzle game that anyone can download and play. Whether you have a few minutes or a few hours, Best Fiends is the perfect puzzle game to lose yourself in because you're having so much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The game features tons of cute characters that help you solve thousands of fun puzzles, and the more you play, the more characters you collect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New characters and challenging puzzles are added all the time, and there are tons of fun events where you can win huge rewards. With thousands of levels, you can literally play as long as you want and never get bored. Trust me on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download Best Fiends free today on the App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R, Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I love dicks, but I don't sit here and go, I love dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, speaking of dicks, so, you know, uhm, I'm obsessed with this new Camilla. Camilla Parker Bowles is going to be the next queen consort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, let me tell you something about this hoe. And so Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles, they've been banging since they were in their twenties, right? So he's a young hot thing. He hooks up with Camilla. He can't, he doesn't want to get married to Camilla because he wants to bang around. She gets married to Parker Bowles, this other guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he comes back from the military, and they hook up again. And Camilla's had a baby with somebody else. Yep. With somebody, with this Parker Bowles guy. But listen to this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So long story short, you know, they have an affair with Diana. He's married to Diana. She's a home wrecker. And her great great grandmother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was the, uh, uh, mistress to his great great grandfather. Isn't that interesting? Yes. And that's how they meet. She comes up to him at a horse match, you know, they love polo, and says that. Now here's what's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stupid, right? Rich, they love horses and dogs, that's what they love. Okay, so anyway, but listen, this is the crazy part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how, Camila is married to Parker Bowles, this guy, right? They have a big castle, they got the kid, they got it, they're fucking married. Charles comes back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The husband basically condones the affair. And there's a report of, there's a big party, right? And Camilla is dancing with Charles. And everybody's there. Like all these fancy elitist, whatever, upper crusters are there. And Camilla and Charles are making out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, totally, because I don't think Diana really knew the gig. You know, she thought she was getting married for love. Not that it was a business arrangement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first husband, Camilla? I think so, yea, yea. Andrew Parker Bowles? Andrew, so yea, he, he condoned the affair and even walked next to the carriage during Charles' uh, wedding. What? Yea, like they, they were all friends. They really were friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one, the husband? Yea, Andrew. I don't, I think so, I'd say sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, but I can't even imagine, do you think it's, do you think the reason he condoned the affair was like, oh well this guy is the future king of England and what the king wants the king gets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But or is it something where it's like an upper class thing where they know they're supposed to marry out of money, right? Like Camilla was a debutante who married this guy because he's a rich guy and they just get, does everybody do that? That's like upper class. They just have affairs and they don't really love each other, the couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing is that it's like show business that they're born into, but they didn't choose to be in show business. Like you and I chose this business, so there's public and there's a private life as well. But they're, like they do it, but they're born into it. It's so fascinating and weird to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because in the past kings can always take a mistress. That's just how it goes. They would have tons of kids. Or if you're French, French people do that. The French do it too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Really? Yeah, cause you get E. coli and then you vomit all the time. No. Um, basically it's starvation. That's how they're so skinny. Really? Like if I want to eat chocolate, I eat chocolate, but I only have one bite. You're like, well, that's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's like, if you're not full yet, Piggypie, here's a thing of pasta. This will fill you up. Not like, here's your, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. I really, I would have loved to have the fed smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is Margaritaville? Don't they have it in like Tijuana and all these dumb, horrible places? Yeaah. Like Florida. Isn't that the Keys? Yea, the Keys. Google where they have Margaritaville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a nightmare. Do you think all the drinks are named stupid shit after his songs and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, happy hour, 3 to 6, Monday through Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's hor- wait, can you please go back to the Margaritaville website? It's- it is everything I hate. Hold on. Look at the logo. It's primary colors, it's bright as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, let's hear what's in the tsunami. Old smoky white lightning and hunch punch moonshine are how sweet and sour with a splash of sprite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, this one's the best. Give me a hurricane before I go insane. Margaritaville, silver rum, and paradise passion fruit tequila. I made it disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loaded land shark? Try land shark. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this guy's really got a good business model. Oh yea, booze? Yea, it's smart. That is a good business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that one time, remember when we were in San Diego in the gas lamp district with Al Canain? This is like a decade, kind of like a decade ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, we're all hanging out. It's late night. It's like midnight on a Saturday night in the gas lamp. And we're starving because we're done with our shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the only place we can find food and take refuge in is TGI Fridays. And we were like, thank god for this. Under normal circumstances, I don't want to go to Fridays anymore. Remember when you were a kid and you thought Fridays was like, so good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the Jack Daniels part sounds like TGI Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. You just go. Chilis? I won't turn down the chilis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Applebee's is dog shit. I never had a good experience there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny, I never could see your dad. He liked TJ Fridays and he always, he hated Italian food. Which, I can't even understand someone not liking cheese, red sauce, pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is sponsored by True Bill. Do you know why free trials were new without your consent? It's a business scam out to get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't let greedy corporations pocket your money. Download TrueBill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To take control of your subscriptions today. True Bill is the new app that helps you identify and stop paying for subscriptions you don't need, want, or simply forgot about. On average, people save up to $720 per year with True Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you link your accounts to TrueBill, you can cancel any unwanted subscription with the click of a button. It is so great. I'm telling you, you know, you, you sign up for stuff and you completely forget, but with TrueBill, I've been able to cancel tons of things I didn't even know I had going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't fall for subscription scams. Start canceling today at trubill.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go right now. Truebill.com slash mom. It could save you thousands a year. T-R-U-E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. You know me, I'm an anglophile and I get to watch all my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] British shows, cause I use ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN lets you change your online location so you can control where you want sites to think you're located. It's so easy. You just open the app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Select a location, tap one button to connect and refresh the page to access thousands of new shows and movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choose from almost 100 different countries. Watch Studio Ghibli films on UK Netflix. Watch anime on Japanese Netflix. Watch Doctor Who on UK Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This works with any streaming service. Hulu, BBC iPlayer, YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta paste it on, and then you look smooth on camera, see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see. See yourself in camera four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you make sure that Charo hears her audios at the right level? Cause they don't, I can hear you there. Cause she can't hear herself. Just make sure she can hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's do some tests. Let's see if they can hear clips, cause they can't hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that he was. Did he say okay? Tommy? Annie's, the sound, listen, Annie listens to us to make sure. Hold on, here's the deciding factor. Annie, did, did my husband say okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back that ass up! Before the shopping, what did Charro and Blanca get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At 10am, wasn't that yesterday? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the word? Allowance? Yeah. So how you spend it is your business? Hold on, and hold on, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. And now we get you? Oh Blanca, you gotta move your chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very violent inside. He wants to kill the Starbucks barista when they get his drink order wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? But you don't wear the makeup that we wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you don't dress fun. Why would I give you something fun and then you're not gonna wear it? Because I don't have it. Because I don't have it? So you just want it and you're not gonna wear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever done that where you, you just, you know, you can, you ever take a lighter in your hair and then you light it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They figured out TikTok. So the last time we saw them, they didn't know what TikTok was. They thought it was just taking a still photo. So this is their second TikTok. Okay, excuse me. And they figured out that you can talk and make a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's an app where like, people post short videos of themselves, either singing or dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crabs? It's a sexually transmitted infection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I agree with Blanca because dinner and drinks is not as casual as a coffee. Coffee is kind of disrespectful. Take me out at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he say that to you? Yea, and I said, no, you take me to a bar where I can smoke cigarettes and then we can drink beer. I'm a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to me though, I said don't you call me that. Don't you call me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were great. And you know what, Taro, I think everybody listening, uh, we're all dealing with missing Top Dog. And it's not just you, it's, I think it's all of us, people listening who loved him for so many years. Uhm, you know, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, vanish mode in Instagram, if you're in a DM, you can like, if you swipe up and hold it, it goes into vanish mode and that's basically


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm almost, I'm like almost mad every time I keep getting messages now. It's like, yeah, I know. I know it fucking works. Man, I'm fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it was, it was my blood that was, uh, yep, you're right. I didn't like that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I just thought it was like, uh, just a random, like, uh, uh. Hunter boner. Hunter boner. And then I started getting flooded DMs like, did you guys not fucking know that this was- No. I was like, no, I'm not a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am gross, but like, not like that. Like, I've snotrocketed stuff before, but not into my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like onto a sidewalk? Onto a street sign?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is fucking living optimal. I mean, this should be so expensive. I get this ribeye, it's grass-finished, grass-fed. From a local farm, nine bucks a pound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most raw flesh you eat is just like eating a girl's pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that, but it doesn't belong to an octopus. It's like some sort of other figure that's just throwing tentacles at you and stuff. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, good morning. Hey baby girl, I love you my baby. Yeaah. That's one thing I want you to let me do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one thing I'ma do. Kiss your ass. Put your feet by the thong. Baby girl, wear some blank drawers. You don't think I care about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As one thing I want you to let me do. As one thing I want you to let me do. As one thing I want you to let me do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one thing I'm gonna do. Kiss your ass. I wanna kiss your feet. Let me kiss your ass. Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one thing I want you to let me do. That's one thing I want you to let me do. Let me kiss your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one thing I'm gonna do. Kiss your ass. Alright? Made by Mr. Fred. Yeah, my baby. You my baby girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got caught in a winter storm and I had to fight it all by myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I grew up in Florida for part of my life, where they're like, this is a category five hurricane. People are like, I'm just gonna stick it out. I know. But you can't. And they're like, I can. And I'm like, okay. And then they're like, guess what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, uh, natural god made storm. Predictable. Yeah, that has 196 mile an hour winds. It threw a building and everybody died in it and they're like, get the fuck out of here. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time that was their thing is like, they don't leave, you know? That's like a point of pride in some Floridians and people who live by the ocean. They're like, doesn't matter what comes, stay right here. No. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause there is a uhm, there is a case where, where it makes sense in a way that people say which is like, they are too poor. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? So it's like, why didn't they leave? They can't afford to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't, yea, they can't go anywhere. And that's a sad reality. But you look at it against the people who are like, have the means, and who are like, yea, but I just don't feel like, I don't wanna go. I just wanna stay here right now. Dude, pack up your car, and get the fuck out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the winter storms, like they, like the one that I was just in, they're like, this is gonna be bad tomorrow. People are like, yea, but I have plans, I'm gonna be outside. I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, neither the USGS or any other scientists have ever predicted a major earthquake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh it does? Thank god, that's smart. They're like, this doesn't always work. So, that sounds cool. Are there photos of it? Is that it right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what we're doing is we're raising funds right now. And if you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You give us money, when that first one comes out in 2035, it's gonna be shipped right to your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want flying cars? We've been building them for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see. They raised 500 million in series A funding last week. It sold zero units.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did? Okay. I'm a tech guy now. Wow, that was really good. Thank you. You really know your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm. You ready to party? I'm ready, bro. Let's open the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta give it to him. He owns it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just saying, like, he's, I think he doesn't destroy other marriages. Oh, gotcha, I gotcha. See, he goes on more. Yeaah. Yeaah. It gets even better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he learned, he learns, you know, it's obviously English as a second language. He learned some good slang. Yeah. He knows, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if you realize that someone's probably translating in their head. Right. What do you do? I rented this prostitute for a while. You rent a person. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In English, like Native American English speakers probably say, I gotta prostitute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really endearing though to hear somebody, right? Cause don't you like, you kinda like them now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool. Very cool, guys. Very cool way to start the day. Uhm, so you, uh, told me you wanted to compare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we gotta be clear about something because this is a public show with like a significant audience. We don't advocate that kind of violence, but we fully get it. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna fuckin' smash someone, I don't think you should, but, I mean, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're, they're really something, uh, the Star Trek nerds. Cause I've also gotten into that thing before where I'm like, you know, I grew up watching Star Wars. So much cooler. And there's a little bit of a battle between the two. You know what I mean? Like, and I think the Star Trek people really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is? It's like when you're in high school, and uhm, you're like, I play football. And then someone's like, I run cross country. And you're like, get the fuck out of here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking dork. You mean you just run?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's what I've learned. Here's what I've learned. Cause I love, I love to make fun of people and I love to ridicule people for their excitement and their beliefs. Uhm, you know what I mean? Like it's something I've really grown up doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I would love to mercilessly just mock these people. They deserve it. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I've learned is that, in a very interesting way, these are all the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying he's making a good point. The point is that those people going like this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fun, yeaah. No, no, but like, it's a, you can just swap out a shot of a concert. And people go like, huh. It's people, what happens is, you actually go, I wonder what it's like to feel that way about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you don't feel that way about- I can't. I can't. Of course not. You're not a fuckin' moron, but... You... You get to the point...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you're like, you know what, these fucking mouth breathers, they deserve their own thing too. And I get, I get it. I get that I don't share the excitement about that, but my excitement is about something else that they go, I don't know why you're excited about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but all it is, is a different level of appreciation for different things. They, those people, there might be some Bad House fans in that audience, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there on the left? That's your type? I know, I know you've liked it. But that was that photo right there? That's them, like young? Can you click on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like him without makeup even. It is really interesting to hear this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's when you, when you're reading history and they're like, in the 1400s, you know, a 300 pound woman were considered attractive. And you're like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not hating on him. I just don't, I don't see it. Like I, I guess I, I understand more like the traditional handsome and you know, like good looking men or I go like, you know, you see,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you the one that told me or somebody else told me that uhm, like some of the super fans of The Cure hate that he dates, like he drapes like hotties, right? I'll tell you the story, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's, I mean, I think it's hilarious. I think it's really fucking funny that the goth girls, like you showed up and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I am a rock star. Do you know what the big plus of this is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she can't get to the passport office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool. Oh, maybe the ultimate most coolest guy ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has been goofing off for a while. And he was goofing around with Epstein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you read USA Today? It's like, weather's bad. President, still president, doing good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sports. Oh, here's the who won games. Business is going to be good this year. You're like, I read the USA Today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one is, I think. It is. You know, you see it too. You go, uh, to, you know, like a restaurant or a hotel, and they're like, which, which newspaper do you prefer? And they'll be like the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, or USA Today. And you're like, do I feel like thinking USA Today? Yeah, I like color. I like colors. I like big words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got memory problems. And I know this because I hit her on the head a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what's fucked up about this whole story, I mean it's super sad, is that you really made me want pizza right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look, uhm, there's a lot more to talk about, but we are very excited to welcome our guests, so why don't we take a quick break?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about a three for one New Year's resolution? Reduce food waste, save time on grocery shopping, and eat more fresh and delicious food. Think it's too good to be true? Think again and try Imperfect Foods. Here's a cringe-worthy stat to start 2022 each year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 35% of the food supply goes unsold or uneaten in the US. Imperfect Foods is working to turn this around by sourcing foods that would otherwise fall through the cracks of our food system. Combating climate change feels big and overwhelming. What can one person by themselves do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, there's an easy and delicious way to make an impact. Imperfect foods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect Foods is a grocery delivery service offering an entire line of sustainable groceries that taste delicious and reduce waste just by embracing the natural imperfections in food. Visit ImperfectFoods.com to see if they deliver in your area. Once you sign up, you can personalize your weekly grocery order


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fresh seasonal produce, pantry staples, and yummy snacks. It is amazing that you're doing something good, you're getting a great product, and it's great for the environment. Right now Imperfect Foods is offering our listeners 20% off your first four orders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to Imperfectfoods.com, use the promo code YMH. Again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we're all, now we're all here, and you are here for the first time, but we are here, back, welcoming.


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[Assistant] David Cross, his new special, I'm From The Future, is exclusively available, official, DavidCross.com. The livestream premieres February 12th at 5pm. Make sure you check it out. Uhm, David, welcome.


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[Assistant] That's a joy to share. It's such an honor.


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[Assistant] Uhm, we actually, people say this, we are really such big fans, and I'll prove it to you. Uhm, when I got to LA, I moved to LA in 2002. Okay. And I was like, I have a good idea. I'm gonna go to the Groundlings, and then I'll do SNL, and then I'll do movies. It's a pretty good plan.


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[Assistant] No, it was like my play. Everyone was like, what are you doing, man? Like, this is really smart of you. Uhm, and then I was, you know, so I'm like, trying to consume as much comedy, like, as I'm getting into this.


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[Assistant] So I go nuts, uh, as soon as I find Mr. Show. I mean, I'd seen clips of it on HBO, but like now I could rent it. I would just front to back, front to back. And then I believe the same year or maybe the next year, shut up, you fucking baby came out.


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[Assistant] Which is the year I moved there. So we were, I was like in a full David cross consumption mode. And then you're a bit too much. It's almost a lot. It's a lot, but save a little for dessert. She was saying that like the references it's, it's been 20 years since that. And we were like, what'd you say? Chunky in the.


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[Assistant] That's I think a radio reference that you make up, like making fun of morning radio.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Friday morning fart song, yes. It's time for the Friday morning fart song. You're like, no, I don't want to do that, no. I still remember it, it goes like that. And then, uh, ordering pizza in line, uh, bri-bri.


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[Assistant] Want the chevron love? Yes, I do remember that. Oh my god. And you called him BriBri, so my cousin is Brian, so ever since then he's been BriBri. And, like, uh, like, you know, like Christmas, it's written on presents, and his mom's like, who is BriBri? And we're like, it's your son. That's who BriBri is.


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[Assistant] To what, to add it out, like the album, the thing about it is when you start, like one thing before you do stand up and you watch stand up and you're like, you know, that was really funny. But when you start doing stand up,


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[Assistant] Yeah, well that doesn't come through in my mind at all. It was just that it was like, the funny thing, the way I would describe it, it was like very loose, but it felt like tight bits. So it's like loose presentation, but the bits are all, like the jokes are all there. They all work.


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[Assistant] I got you. Parts. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the cogent stuff works, man. It was fun.


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[Assistant] I think for like a new stand up too, like I would even recommend somebody like starting now. The thing that I took from it the most other than being like a fan of it and liking it was that I associate you with being like a high risk comedian. Like you take risks. But you don't see that that much. Even with like, you know, you see big successful acts and they're not taking risks.


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[Assistant] So to me, I was like, it was like, oh wow, this guy really will say some wild shit. And like it might not work, but then when it does work, it's going to fucking be amazing, you know?


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[Assistant] You must have, I bet you have epic stories of.


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[Assistant] That is great not knowing who you're going to see. I fucking love that. This will be something I like. I'm not going to look it up.


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[Assistant] Not giving you a look or saying something, quitting their job. Yeah, in a huff.


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[Assistant] It's the perfect formula to make you who you are. It's amazing to me because you know, we all just moved here from LA.


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[Assistant] She's LA. I moved around a lot like you did. So I moved, I was born in Cincinnati, then was in Minneapolis, then I lived in Milwaukee, then I lived in Florida.


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[Assistant] I'm the middle. Okay. Yeah. Uhm, but one of the things that Nadav has told me is that he, in LA, you know, he went to like Jewish schools and, you know, obviously that's a huge city. And he's like, I've met people here who are like, nah, like you're Jewish? I've never met somebody like that before. I'm like, what? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, man, that's pretty wild. Like fucking crazy to me that they're like,


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It's wild, man. I mean, 2022, and they're like, never met one before.


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[Assistant] Are you, uhm, your thing that you said you were going to do with Odenkirk? Is it sketch related or no?


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[Assistant] Dude, that, I mean, that show is unbelievable. Like, I do appreciate it more now, removed from it, like how fucking, I mean, we all watched sketch shows growing up, but that, that show was whole, so different than like, the, the way you guys would tie things back together.


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[Assistant] How would you know when you've, when you've felt like you've found a good one? Like a good, you know what I mean, like transition or high end?


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[Assistant] That feels like the kind of thing when you watch it that you go like, this seems like HBO did not get in your way. Not at all. Not at all. It was, it was.


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[Assistant] But HBO is the fucking mountaintop, I mean that was like-


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[Assistant] And the way that it's discussed is uh, well he's wearing black, like not context, not what the sketch is about. It's like, you have a guy in blackface though.


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[Assistant] It's insane. It's insane. It's so anti-intellectual. Yes. Well the worst part is that, like, something like that, the worst part.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, there's a, but the thing is too, it's like, the people who take it out of the context the most, I feel like, are actually intellectual people. They're people who are, like, academics.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And with stand up too, like whenever it's, you know, whenever somebody's mad about a stand up bit.


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[Assistant] Never include really the fact that this is done in an arena, like a space where there is an unspoken agreement that we're all here for this. I want to see the funny guy say wild shit.


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[Assistant] And like, and like, he's not gonna go, this part, this is sarcasm. This is satire.


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[Assistant] They didn't cave, no, no. I mean, they actually, they said something and then they were like, fuck, we handled that wrong. And then like, but the point is that they, they didn't allow people to say,


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[Assistant] Hey, why don't you, uhm, ask, cause you haven't really talked about that with me, uh, David about what you, uh, proposed, about my arm.


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[Assistant] I was, with the multiple doctors. And your ears were all working and stuff? They were working and they were like, just so you know, you're saying it wrong. And I was like, thanks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was pretty cool. Sorry. That's alright. Sorry to hear that.


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[Assistant] And like seven months later, they took a nerve from here and they moved it here, right? It's like a new surgery.


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[Assistant] He does. He can use that. I'm going to use that.


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[Assistant] Okay, let's workshop it. Uhm, but then he told me yesterday, he goes, uh, he was doing the follow up and he goes, I guess what I'm doing tomorrow. I go, what? He goes, my third.


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[Assistant] It's super dark and it's super big. And then when I say that she goes, and then when I go, why did you do that to me? He goes, well, I thought you needed it, you know? Thought I'd help you out. So I was like, cool. Uhm, I saw it.


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[Assistant] To her, and she's never told me that it's that bad. She's like, you could use a huge black one though. So she asked me how I would react, and I said, actually, as enticing as most men might think to be like, oh, what if I go, I think I'd be pretty upset. I'd be like, what the fuck, man? Like, you just gave me a 10 inch huge black, this is not gonna serve.


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[Assistant] She's like, he's like, how great is this arm though? Yeah, that's pretty strong and I like that.


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[Assistant] Because it, I mean, it was all I had and now it's, it's so much smaller now.


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[Assistant] There's a few of these. Cause there's also, do you remember like the teenage?


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[Assistant] Black kid in Florida who was like, I'm a doctor. Do you remember that kid? Yeah, that was pretty awesome. He was so young. I'm sure you can... Like Doogie Howser? It's different than the, like there's doctors that have butchered people and performed horrific operations, but this kid was in the news. He was national news.


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[Assistant] He was, he was like 17 or something and he was giving out, he was seeing people for appointments and then somebody got onto it.


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[Assistant] And also, like if you were just like, alright, I guess I'm gonna go see this doctor. And that kid was like, here's what you need David. Don't you need to be like, are you 18 or something?


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[Assistant] Yeah, looks like a family business. They're like, look, you're really smart. You're a doctor. What's he arrested for again? Is it the same thing? Like in that link, the one that's, yeah, that right there.