[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was wild. But, yea, maybe the do- I- yea, real sex was weird, for sure.


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[Assistant] Cause that's how I got my sex education, was real sex and Howard Stern at midnight, after SNL had put it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, it's not fair. I'm like, no, but you can cut it off. Yeah. Yeah, people are not going to be nice to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had so much fun, but I think people are like, you don't know about politics. I'm like, neither do you!


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[Assistant] I guess that's what it is too, where I've never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually no one cares what I say, so I guess I was shocked that people watch.


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[Assistant] Ignore, ignore. I know, but at first it was like all these fun gifts, and I was like, this is fun. And I love the new, I don't know, I doubt it's new, but I like when people say like, I see no lies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so crazy. And I wonder if they all know each other. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, if you're this progressive person that loves Bernie, why are you shutting people down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just keep checking it for the hope that someone's giving you attention. Right. I know, I wish I could get a landline and just have an answering machine and live that life. I wanna go back. You can. So bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see, I don't know, I'm really, cause when I, I've, I have been leaving my phone at home, if I just, I'm leaving the house for a few hours, but the whole time I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm reaching for it constantly, or I'm about to, oh I should message this person, oh I should take a photo, oh I should, you know, insta-story that. It is weird. Even without it, I'm just thinking about it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get more done. I mean, that's what I was reading too. It's like, our memories and experiences are going to be looking at our phone because we're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard for our brains to multitask. So all the new experiences that we're having in our brains remembering is phone related. Like we're not creating new memories with the world around us. Right. It's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I bought a planner and an alarm clock, but I keep just on my phone. I can't, I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are such a cool married couple, no? Thanks. Yeah. You're really doing it. Yeah. I love her. Are you guys gonna write a book or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm opening for you in Boston. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a special kind of brag thing, I know you're trying to end this, but uhm, I have friends here and I was with them the day she found out she was pregnant with her second baby and then wildly I was in town and I was going to her house and I was there the day her water broke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the day, yeaah, and so I felt really special and cool. And I met the baby yesterday, or two days ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's she doing? Um, she's good. I don't know, it's, her, it was an unplanned thing, so their baby's one and a half and now they have a two month old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do with you. Are you guys SVU fans or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I feel like he should be because he loves crime and killing so much. I love Mariska Hargitay. Um, yeaah. They're just good detectives. Benson and Stabler. They're just great. But there was one episode with John Stamos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but John Stamos is one of the only people I've seen in person that I got giddy and like lost my breath. Like he is really handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't even get my words together. I've never felt that way before. But he really is hot. Who is? John Stamos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who got married this past week? Meghan Trainor and the boy from Spy Kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, okay, all about that bass. You know that song? She got married. But one of my favorite, I became obsessed with them because there's a photo of them leaving a sex store with like a bag of dildos. And they got married last week and I've been stalking them on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I told Christina, but I recently at an antique store found an old Happy Meal toy of a McNugget witch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just honestly, I didn't have an opinion going into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I guess I don't, I guess I don't get, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to watch this documentary. It's a lunatics after lunatics, uhm, the whole way through. Sorry, I brought it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go. Alright guys, just so you know, January 10th, ComedyStorm main room were almost sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, your queen jeans is gonna be headlining, but guess who's added to the lineup? Tom Segwera!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh Potter has just agreed to do the show and so many others. It's going to be a fantastic night. There's just a handful of tickets. Scoop them up if you're in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 31st through February 2nd, Denver, Colorado, Comedy Works. February 23rd, West Syllable Springs, Oklahoma, at the Cherokee Casino. February 28th through March 2nd, Madison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Cum, uhm, at the Dick Cum Improv, Christina P. online for our tickets. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or at least the point in your life when you put the chain on your bifocals, which is what he's done, like when you've got a rope around your neck to keep the glasses on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also another checklist is location, location, location. And this one he chose his front lawn, which is bold. It's an outdoor video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is that he sprung for the gold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not spring for like the real, the veneer, you know what I mean, or the implant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can see behind us, we are in Studio Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look, we discussed the motif. It is steakhouse meets the people's court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Masterpiece Theater, Steakhouse, and the People's Court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally screwed us. I remember I was very pregnant, floating around in our pool, trying to keep cool. It was the middle of summer and you're like, this guy just, uh, this guy pulled out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I will say, I mean look, we used to film the show next to our son's bedroom when he was sleeping as a baby. So we've done the show in many different locations. Above Pilate Studios. This is number 6. Yeah. I think, I think this is still pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to point out some old school features, just so some of you I know don't like change. My therapist tells me I'm not good with change. There's a lot of stuff from the old studio, if you'll notice we have our dog mask, our mascot. Uh, Gigi Allen is here, I got Webster behind me, City Connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bottles of water, toilets, all the stuff you know and love. And behind me... Wait, the dog, yeah. Oh yeah, the pup play. The terrifying pup play. Who's your owner? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uhm, last time I came out as poly, and I'm proud to say I'm bisexual, but also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're breaking out now, we're building up. Ready to do it? I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, after many years of talk, I'm proud to announce, behold, the fart mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wanna thank Blue Band and Josh Potter everybody for making this fart mic possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, cause I know how important the fart mic is to our listeners. I feel like they've been demanding it for years. And if we're gonna spend all this money and time building a studio, this to me is the most important thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I was a little upset because we usually, we don't record the show this early usually, but we woke up this morning and Tom had such great farts at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it upset me that we didn't have the fart mic at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, uh, sorry, to see them all together like that was kind of jarring. All the scumbags that we've celebrated on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if in some universe, like, we've actually helped these guys get laid? Yeah. Like, what if someone right now is like, yeah, like some woman is like, God, those guys sound hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, to Saatva's credit, what early adapters they were to podcasting and advertising. They were our first sponsor of Your Mom's House and kudos to them for being so forward thinking. They were awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you move along. Right, right, or you go too far. And you go, oh that broke, that didn't bend, and then I'm gonna rein it in here and there. Of course. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know as a craftsman, as someone who's been doing this for 20 years, it's not cool. Of course, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same thing except now you know something so weird and dark about this person, and can you still know that and like him? And I think what's interesting, and if you look back at all the artists, a lot of people that you've loved have been colossal pieces of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look at uhm, well, hey, R. Kelly, who's in the Zeitgeist now, right? Crazy stuff he's done. And can you listen to his music? Uhm, Elvis Presley was banging Priscilla Presley, who was 15 years old. Jerry Lee Lewis marries his 13 year old cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I'm saying, can you separate the man from his work? And that's always the big philosophical debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like trailers. It's like when they were recutting trailers with different music, like The Shining and making it a comedy. It really is about lens and point of view and framing the content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's what I will say too, is that yeaah, we all know what he did, it's not right, da da da da da. I listened to the whole hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I laughed. And I haven't had- Because he's hilarious. I haven't had, I'm telling you, and I know I see Kami all the time, aside from you and a handful of our friends, nobody makes me laugh. And I was like, this is, ah, I'm so glad- and he's back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really fucking liked it. And you know, you struggle with it. You go, can you separate what the man did from the stuff he does, the work he does? And hey, I'll tell you what, he's fucking funny enough that I think I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm pro-Louis again. God damn it, he's talented. And can I tell you something else? Nobody is funnier when they got nothing to lose. And Louis has lost everything, and I think it's made him fucking way funnier. When you're like, he said it, he goes, what are you gonna take away my birthday? Fuck you. And I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was just thinking too, like, when did it be- when did we become?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a bunch of fuckin' sissies that, like, you can't have sympathy for a group, or you can't have real life feelings for somebody, uh, for a group, and yet still make fun of them. Like, what happened to that? You know what I'm saying? For instance, Joan Rivers, her husband was deaf, right? And so she would make jokes about deaf people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just because you joke about it doesn't imply that you don't have sympathy for that group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Like, we can joke about things that he might still feel sympathy for. We do it all the time. I know, but right now I'm saying people don't have that distinction in their minds. They think as you make fun of it that you're an asshole, you're not pro these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My face is frozen too. Let me put on my jacket. Here's my theory on these people that come out against the dark comedians. These social justice warriors. I'll tell you what the theory is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think these guys are so afraid of their own dark-sidedness. They're so afraid of the demons within them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious though, I tell you what, these fuckers that are calling Louis out, first of all, for those of you who don't know, it's stand-up comic code. It is just an unspoken code that you don't shit on another dude for what they're doing creatively. You don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not on the stand up, we can critique on your personal life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is nobody's fucking business. And for, and for these people, to comics. For the general public, fine. It's different. But com, it's code. You never fucking do it. And, and the fact that these guys are doing it, it's, I think, despicable and it goes against everything creative and, and there you go now. I fucking said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm worried about the baby. I'm like, I think he's really sick. He's been coughing. Not really sick. I gotta go to the doctor. No, he just had a cold. But in my mom brain, I'm like, ah, fuck, we gotta go to the doctor again tomorrow. I hope he's okay. I hope it's not the croup, blah, blah, blah. And then I'm like, uh, and I look to you for comfort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and you go, here, watch this. This'll, this'll cheer you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Is that a romcom? Is that a jaunt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like here, watch the new Jodie Foster movie. I can't do this shit, man. Thank you for doing that, Tom. You always know how to really make me feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, Tommy? Wouldn't you say that we've taken over? We've taken things by storm, so just be prepared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let me ask you this, Drew, for the women listening, because I, in my twenties, had guys like this too who didn't seem to understand boundaries and that I wasn't interested. How should a woman deal with something like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He built the studio with his bare hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just how about a nice, how about a deliberate text back? Like let's say a girl gets this kind of video, what is the text back to the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, the cracks in his real self show in these, so obviously his team was like, you need to be on social media, and he's probably reluctant because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's the goth version. So he did this thing for a while where he put on a different persona called Chris Gaines where he was kind of goth looking and he even photoshopped his face to be thinner and gaunt and more fey and more sensitive and it was obvious, it wasn't, I don't think his fan base appreciated it as much as they appreciate what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've seen those people that they wear masks and then they pretend to be dogs and smell each other's butts, but it's not, it's not sexual. It's just a role play. May I see that please, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but let me ask you this then, Dr. Drew. There's the man that puts the call out for somebody to be his baby. Sexually. This is a daddy thing. Yea, and then what's the woman like who's answering the call?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miniature. It's miniature. It's not. And I'll tell you what. The Queen's English says miniature. What? Miniature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, also, there's a word that I've been saying incorrectly that I just figured out. It's dissociation, not disassociation. I've been saying it incorrectly for my entire life. How about uhm, I'll be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you pronounce this word, Ryan? S T A T U S.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was born in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, and then I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have a knack for psycho drivers. Remember the guy that used to pick us up when we lived in Koreatown? Yes. And he liked to smoke crack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause he would smoke pot and drive us to the airport. He'd get high as he was driving us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you like about, I said, cause I'm like, what do you like about smoking crack? What do you enjoy? And he said, I get real paranoid and freaked out and I like to look out the peephole a lot and see who's coming. I'm like, that looks terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I get it now, now that I think of it, cause you know what, I'm just thinking about what you were saying, like, you know, you haven't done too much acid, and you're like, I gotta hold it together. I never did that. Okay, but whenever you do too many drugs, you have to hold it together, and you're just trying to hold it together, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Let me try it out. I gotta get a YMH one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like your, do your Australian, is this Australian? I'm assuming. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, on Chelsea Lately once we did a story where a woman had two uterus, two uterites, and both of them was impregnated by two different daddies too, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of your pussy hole. Hey, by the way, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, before I forget, we have the official Your Moms House fart mic, so if you feel as though you have to fart during the show, let me know. I'll turn it on, you have to turn it on, and then you go ahead and fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to disagree with you. You pass? You pass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, okay, I hear what you're saying, that that part's kinda nasty, the shit flicks, the fart particles in her mouth. It's barely nasty. It's barely nasty, I agree, it's barely nasty. You can fart through the fabric of your jeans, and that way the particles don't get in her mouth of poo. But here's my thought, in terms of fetishes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not really actively doing much, except for what you normally would be doing. You would normally fart anyways. She's just enjoying what you normally do. It's kind of a blessing in the sky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let's discuss your threshold. What if she insisted on wearing this dog mask during your lovemaking? Is that a deal breaker? Every time? Every time. It's her thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What kind of horrible things did the other lady want you to say? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, can't you generally gauge when someone is like, game for something? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's kind of bad on her to not gauge that maybe you weren't comfortable with that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The woman, it's like, okay, not just do you like it when- Well it's not shame her, she's- Well no, here's the specification though. It's not like, do you like it when your hubby farts? It's, are you aroused? That's what I wanna know. Do you wanna put your mouth up on it? It's a thing for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Tom and I had this discussion a while back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's a point where you turn 40, or even your late 30s, where you can't eat shit, basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you just can't fucking eat the way you did, and it's a bummer. Like, now we have the soda at the house that's devia shit. Like, you can't even drink a soda because you're gonna get fucking fat. So I was like, what would you do in order to be able to eat whatever you wanted and never gain weight? Like, what would you give up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we start running through this stuff, and I was like, Tom, would you give up a tooth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, would you live in Nebraska? Okay, now here's the stipulation. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're eating everything you want in Nebraska. Keep in mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, it's American, so it's like, gravy and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd, I'd, I'd keep these extra 20 pounds on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, in Nebraska you're skinny. Like you're a Nebraska 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then stay where you want. Exactly. Yeah, that's true. Now you're right. Okay, so we all agree we're not gonna fuck Nebraska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You toddler. Uhm, so I, so you would pee and poo in my backyard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, what if, you can eat anything you want, but every time you start a show, a stand-up show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you just have to work a Heil Hitler in conversation? You don't have to start, you just have to find a way to work it in an organic way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you just say the n-word to it once?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You masturbate, and you ejaculate in four strokes. And then he pulls his penis out, and he does the same. And that's it, that's all you do, but you can eat whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so traumatic though to see your dad masturbate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm waiting right now. I had a bean quesadilla for my lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm hoping to have some farts. If you have to fart, you just give us the heads up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've done shows at the comedy store where the guy before me is sick. And his sniffling and everything. I'm like, asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I remember those in the 80s, like people got like a hundred, hundreds of channels back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, let me ask you a question about Old Navy, because I've had my suspicions over the years. I'm a huge Old Navy fan, fan of the Gap, I love it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's like office wear, but I don't wear office clothes. But correct me if I'm wrong, I feel like Old Navy sizing, everything's a size up from the gap, but they make it appear a size smaller. For instance, an Old Navy 2 is a reality 4.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can we just address the fact that that moment took like 10 years to happen? The fart mic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what if we, what if you wore pants or jeans or some thick denim so that the fart particles don't actually get into her mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm afraid I'm going to pee myself because I work the pushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, since I had my second child, I pee when I cough, I pee when I laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause your muscles are still weak. I just gave birth five months ago, so it's still kinda-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what's interesting is that what Good Morning Julia and this guy have in common, what Dr. Drew was mentioning was that narcissism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same thing of like, he was waiting for Joe to turn ugly, like that, instead this guy ended up turning ugly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, like every time you're out late night at a bar, by 2am, that guy rolls in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder why LA doesn't do that. What's our deal? Cause that seems pretty profitable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks. I look like my older career. It's my career before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my favorite, our favorite couple is the Brazilian woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Colt, we always say like, cause Colt at one point he's like, well, everyone knows a boy's best friend is his mom, and then they have like a joint bank account, he and his mother, and he's 33.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. It's okay. That was a really cool fart. But you know what? Next episode, you're gonna have some farts of your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so happy. You know what I'm really happy about is the people listening to this podcast wearing their earbuds. Now they can hear the fart clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, I used to be so nervous and I would just put, just to put on an extra layer before stand-up shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The angle, and here's the thing. He's already not a traditionally handsome man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's the deal, man. Like if you're already on that side...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, why don't you try to make the angle flattering? Like you just know, like under here is never good. It's never gonna be good from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I just, you're right, you're right, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is not, don't, don't you put that on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he does make some good points.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's think about it. Hold on, let me really think. Let's be real. Let's be real. Where's your first date? No, I know. First of all, is he gonna call? No. Texts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, it's gotta be a weird location. I'm at my brother's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do they live together, he and his brother still? Or does he live alone? Does this guy have his own apartment? Is he gonna take me back to his own place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give it to me. Give it to me. This is how it goes. You're the girl? I'm the girl. Uh, so, Christina, are you familiar with, uhm, Hummel figurines? Not really. What is- Oh, I collect them. I have an extensive collection. Oh. You don't like Hummel? Fuck you, bitch! Is that what you're saying? Is that how it goes? Yes. That was pretty good. That was really good. And do you see my reaction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But seriously, where does he take, where does this guy go on a first date? Like, let's be, I'm being serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's with the dolls though? I'm being serious. Why does Ted collect the dolls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now you put it that way. Yea, I feel like that's an obvious- But it's natural to be nude and curate because you're trying- I get it now, I get it now. Sorry, I see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he buys me, but the last bus runs at 9.30, so. He's already, he's got that down. But it's dark out, does he walk me? You think he doesn't know the bus schedule?


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[Assistant] Well here's, here's gonna happen. Yes, I am in love and I think to myself, when's he gonna text? When's he gonna call?


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[Assistant] But he's playing the game too, because he waits a full three days before any contact. So, it's a game of chicken, where I'm like, do I text Ted? Right. Do I acknowledge that we had a wonderful night together? Do I wait for him?


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[Assistant] But here's the thing. It's 2019, and I'm a progressive sort of gal.


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[Assistant] I'm not afraid to reach out and let a guy know how I feel and take initiative. So I'm gonna send that first text.


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[Assistant] Just a thanks for the bus fare home. Super nice meeting you and your bro.


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[Assistant] Right, well Ann like yeaah, Ted took me to the deli counter.


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[Assistant] No, Micah, but I'm saying that Micah might take me to a sit down restaurant. I'm talking Olive Garden.


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[Assistant] Okay, so like I said, on the one hand, on paper, Micah looks better.


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[Assistant] There's more emotional security with Ted. He's not gonna cheat on me. Micah's got a lot going for him.


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[Assistant] And if I'm a girl who's a little insecure and beaten down, you know, I might go for Ted, cause like, have you watched Love After Lockup? Oh yea.


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[Assistant] Well, and the girl from Jakarta, right? She has extreme wealth. Like, she comes from a...


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh, listen, uh, this is a very unusual podcast we are doing today. I am on the verge of tears, uhm, like saying, I don't know why I'm getting emotional, but,


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[Assistant] Our neighborhood is burning down around us and we're kinda doing this before we have to go. Uhm, I just want to apologize to everybody in...


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[Assistant] West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma, the Cherokee Casino. I was supposed to fly there tonight and I could not get on a plane and leave my babies and my home.


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[Assistant] Uh, November 14th, Pasadena, I'm doing the Ice House in the small room. November 18th, Flappers, same thing, small room. November 24th, San Diego, California, House of Blues, late show tickets available.


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[Assistant] Uh, December 1st, again, back at Flappers in the, in the Yoohoo. December 7th, filler up Delphia, Late Show.


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[Assistant] Uh, there's still some tickets available. And then December 8th, uh, Gramercy Theater, like literally just a very few tickets. The Ride or Die tour continues through January, January 10th, Hollywood at the Comedy Store. And then I go to Denver, Comedy Works, Madison, Wisconsin, Comedy Club on State.


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[Assistant] I know, but I, you know, I get on those planes no matter what. I've had a fever. You don't care.


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[Assistant] Now this one we wake up to the world is on fire.


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[Assistant] But, you can't really sit outside, there's ash raining down, snowing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's, it's so smoky and I don't, I just don't want to get that panic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because that's, that's apparently what's happening is by the time they're telling you to leave, it's like,


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[Assistant] You don't have the time to collect your druthers, and I don't know, it's, I tell you, it's, uh,


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[Assistant] It's really, ugh, I'm gonna fucking cry again. It's very emotional for me to see these fires because I grew up here and...


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[Assistant] I've seen Malibu burn down, like, how many times?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's scary too because, you know, whatever, it's scary. It's just scary.


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[Assistant] We're close, babe, we're like, it's like three streets down, dude.


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[Assistant] It's three major streets. Yeah, literally. No, literally. And, and that's another thing I, cause because I grew up on these mean streets, I'm like, oh my God, there's fire there. I know that neighborhood. That's what my best friend's family is. And so.


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[Assistant] Anyway, we're getting the fuck out of here, but we thought, well there's still time, because we don't know when we can come back to our house.


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[Assistant] And, you know, we're packing the essentials, we've got our lubricants.


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[Assistant] Well, I will tell you that when I saw Joe had evacuated, I was like, oh shit, like we were still in Napa Valley and he was with Marshall at his studio. And I'm like, oh.


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[Assistant] Wow. Okay. Cause he's our, he's yeah, further west. And I'm like, that means that Jesus Christ that's coming our direction.


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[Assistant] And uh, and so by the time we landed, we saw the fires from the airplane that we were in and it was just chaos. It's chaos. And I think what scares me the most is that it's not contained at all. It's at zero. Not like 10% containment. And usually the fire department, they draw a line and the fire doesn't cross that line.


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[Assistant] Well, and the Santanas are gonna blow it directly towards us. That's the real kicker.


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[Assistant] And what's really mortifying is that there's not enough help because of the Northern California fires.


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[Assistant] I mean, look, I'm not shitting on you guys, anybody that's helping us fight the fire, I'm just saying that it does seem like there's way less out there.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I, I, you know, again, I've seen a lot of shit go down in this part of LA. I saw the 1994, we had an earthquake that just took down the San Fernando Valley, but I feel like this is on par. This is another major disaster upon us.


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[Assistant] But we were on Ethan and Elah's podcast age three. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well, a lot of people don't know that I can tell exactly when was the last time your nuts were evacuated.


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[Assistant] I can touch them and just see that they're full or they're hard.


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[Assistant] Why, they're low and loose. If they're low, I know that they've been milked.


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[Assistant] That they're kind of lower and softer if they're high. Yeah, they're relaxed.


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[Assistant] And if they're up higher and they're kind of full and heavy, then obviously.


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[Assistant] I'm a Tom Nut expert. I wouldn't say I'm an all nuts.


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[Assistant] We have those balls all over those tits. Those tats.


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[Assistant] Everybody likes that. Everybody likes that. You like that.


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[Assistant] Well, I'd say the benefit to his salesman-ship is that you're on the train, maybe it's a nice time saver to have a two for one. Absolutely. You buy your coffee and then-


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[Assistant] I live here on the fortune. I'm capable of monogamy. I'm the kind of guy who's the marrying kind.


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[Assistant] Uh, that is one thing I do miss living in Los Angeles is like public transit.


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[Assistant] Like every time I go to New York, I just love the subway situation.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, there's always somebody fighting or starting a fight, but you're not allowed to look, which is really annoying.


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[Assistant] I know, like I had to go down to the LA County clerk last week to pick up our child's birth certificate.


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[Assistant] Put it this way, I got a bag of Takis, and a bottle of water before I went to stand in line, cause I was like, oh shit's gonna be on. And lo and behold, some shit, cause you got people getting married,


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[Assistant] You got people getting death certificates, birth certificates with baby daddies. You know what I'm saying? I saw like, you know, 15 year old girls with babies getting the birth certificate. I saw some real rough looking people.


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[Assistant] Like, you have to go to the DMV if you're fucking Mariah Carey or whoever, or Garth.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like Brad Pitt has to do the eye exam at the DMV.


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[Assistant] I just got sent an update from, uh, Kelly, who's about five minutes from us. There's an updated map, a disaster map. I don't know. Let's see. Yeah. It looks like we're getting into Kenoga park. Yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] So my friend who lives like five minutes, uh, west of us is kind of giving us updates. She's closer to the fire than we are. It's coming around the mountain, man.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. How the fuck- Okay, if anybody has any-


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[Assistant] Insight on that, like how do the mega famous people of the world do average people things?


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[Assistant] Ah, let me see. This is another map she's sending? Yeah, live fire web app. So let's see. It's just a nightmare, but it is spreading now. The winds are, uh,


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[Assistant] It is just so sad. I mean, look, we're fortunate that we have a plan where we know where we're gonna go here in a few hours, but there are some people that probably don't have, you know, family or friends or somewhere to go and I


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[Assistant] Then the winds are gonna kick up tomorrow. It's no good. I wish this guy were here to sell us weed right now.


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[Assistant] I wish we could get fuckin' ripped. Let's go, after this we're gonna go and we're gonna get ripped. We're gonna settle in and get ripped.


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[Assistant] Actually, there was this woman on the news last night. Uhm, it's a very fucked up story. She and her husband were in Westlake Village and they evacuated and they came back and their house was destroyed. And he was like, you know, I'm just thankful that we're, uh, everything, we're okay. Everything with a heartbeat is okay right now. And the wife,


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[Assistant] Her lips were totally purple. Her teeth were totally purple. She's like,


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[Assistant] Nobody thought he was gay, he said he was, nobody thought he was gay.


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[Assistant] Shit into her toilet, and I remember, she's like, aaaaah, eeeeh, like, like just,


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[Assistant] And she goes, I dropped my ring in the toilet.


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[Assistant] So our window was open because my mother would never pay for air conditioning and her window was open and everybody could hear her.


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[Assistant] My parents were both super cheap, so no heat in the winter during our nighttime sleeping, and then no cool.


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[Assistant] What ends up happening is because people like you is the same people that overcompensate for the heater.


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[Assistant] It makes me feel sick. I have to sleep under the down comforter. If it's 105 outside, I want it to feel


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[Assistant] I want my house to feel 74 all the time. I like it. Nice and warm.


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[Assistant] Even in the, even in the dead of summer, I like it, I don't like it so cold, cause like, then it's, then you're all fucked up, it's all hot, and then you come in and it's freezing, it doesn't feel good.


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[Assistant] The one we are packing for our escape here.


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[Assistant] You were like, I have to take this, and you brought the DVD. And you were like, you don't have to take it.


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[Assistant] Dude, that would make life so worth living. Is it not on iTunes, this ridiculous film?


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[Assistant] This is like a ridiculously A-list cast.


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[Assistant] Matthew McConaughey. When did this come out? This is a joke.


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[Assistant] It was like, they had a perfect relationship and she's blowing him.


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[Assistant] It's horrible. No, it's horrible. It's notably bad. Yeah, and it's like the copy is bad.


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[Assistant] And then he came over and he was boozing it up. I thought it was his piece of flair. Like you know how mystery- It kinda was.


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[Assistant] I mean, just give somebody a heads up so that they can decide.


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[Assistant] But she was blowing them all the time. You'd think that she didn't get nuts busted in her. That was the implication at the top of the movie.


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[Assistant] I, we, I had eaten meat and then afterwards I was panicked because I didn't think there was dental floss.


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[Assistant] So I was like pulling strings out of my shirt and flossing and shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. You do like sweets. That's your jam right there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I pretty much pee every time I laugh, every time I laugh in my pants.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think of another costume that's inherently such a bad idea. Like is there another figure in our history?


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[Assistant] Charged. I mean, I think it goes, look, I'm not a social justice warrior by any stretch.


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[Assistant] But even I know, like, that's just kind of a no-no, and I'm not, I'm not pushing for that guy's right to do that.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? It's like, you don't go, you just don't. You don't go as Stalin, you don't go as Hitler.


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[Assistant] Historical figure, like you, you know what that person did dipshit.


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[Assistant] It's not, it's just not very intelligent.


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[Assistant] When you tell, like you, when you're sex, overtly sexual in front of your children, it's abuse, it's disgusting.


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[Assistant] I had a friend whose mother would always tell dirty jokes to him, like sexual jokes, and it totally messed him up. I don't think it's good.


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[Assistant] My dad was so inappropriate, like he used to have, uhm, I tell you what, he used to have a beer that you would scratch off and you could see ladies tits.


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[Assistant] Disa, I'm upset about that.


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[Assistant] I'm also really liking the camera angles on...


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[Assistant] Sure, the thing is we all have flaws. Yes. But you don't wanna close up. You wanna hide them. You wanna conceal, you wanna trickle the light.


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[Assistant] Isn't this what hillbillies do when they speak in tongues?


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[Assistant] It's there. It's all different. It's nonsense.


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[Assistant] But that's what this is, right? The speaking in tongues sounds similar.


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[Assistant] Doesn't have the manic presentation of drugs.


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[Assistant] Baker it out! Get that real short haircut, right? Much more comfortable clothes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, either you're like a model, you're in your twenties, you could just wear a burlap sack and shave your head and you're beautiful.


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[Assistant] It's the worst. Look, it's all, it's all bad, but here's the, I would rather,


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[Assistant] So let's just do it now. Settle in so we're not panicked when the call comes.


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[Assistant] I had 20 over in Burbank. That's legit.


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[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me again, Joe.


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[Assistant] Alright. Cool. Uh, February 23rd, it's actually this Saturday, I'm in West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma at the Cherokee Casino. February 23rd through March 2nd, Madison Wiscumonia at the Comedy Club on State. Wisconsin? Those shows are moving really fast. Get your tickets.


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[Assistant] Many Appletits at the Acme Come On Club and then May 10th and 11th and Tempe at the Tempe Momprog.


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[Assistant] Oh, and I'm ready to try a prison burrito.


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[Assistant] Also, uh, the episode I did with Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew After Dark dropped this week and it's a smash hit. Everybody loves it.


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[Assistant] And you guys have to check it out, Dr. Drew After Dark. If you want to submit a question,


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[Assistant] You can do so at drdrewafterdark at gmail dot com. That's D-R-D-R-E-W afterdark at gmail. Phone number two eight one eight two five three one six nine three. Uh, I would recommend that you kind of formulate your thoughts before you call. You don't want to ramble. Write it down.


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[Assistant] The cool guys or whoever we feature on this show, we will go through it with Dr. Drew and he will give his insights into what the fuck is going on. And then he tries to get under the hood. With comedians. Which is I think the most fascinating thing is that he sits down with all of us maniacs and figures out why we're so fucked up.


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[Assistant] I know, why don't you fucking go to your obligations, you dumb bitch. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Bitch was cray cray. And it's fucked up because, you know, back in the 70s and 80s, like, we didn't diagnose that kind of thing. So my whole life I was like, something's wrong with mom.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then people will be like, well, that's just your mom. You know, you know Edith. Just rascal pancitas. She's just an immigrant. You're like, nah, there's something deeper.


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[Assistant] She's so fat. She's such a fatty. And she's not wearing a supportive bra either.


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[Assistant] Uhm, one time I went, I went to an all girls... I had Mexican. I had Mexican. Let's talk, this is my mother tootie. I went to an all girls catholic school, and I was in the 90s, I used to wear a bandana, right, like on my hair.


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[Assistant] So, I, I, the nun called my, left a note with my parents cause I was being-


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[Assistant] Uhm, so my mom got called into school because I was talking a lot during class and being saucy.


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[Assistant] And my mom sees me wearing this head scarf. She's walking down the hallway. By the way, it's in the classrooms full of nuns. NUNS. My mother walks in and she goes,


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[Assistant] What is this fucking shit on your head? You look like a fucking dyke. And I was like, uhm. Yeah, and she ripped it off my head, and the nuns were like, oh, okay, this makes sense now. Like, no wonder Christina's a problem child.


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[Assistant] She said, you look like a fucking dyke with this dyke-y thing. And she hated lesbians. She was very, she hated, she was like, I don't know what lesbians doing to each other. Maybe they licking each others to death. I don't know what they women do to other women.


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[Assistant] You know me, I've been resisting the urge to jump into your shows for about 14 years. Forever. I never do it, and for some reason- So what's the-


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[Assistant] Dirty John got me hooked. I am deep into the darkness with you. Yeah, finally. We're finally sharing the shows.


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[Assistant] So anyway, Dirty John, you gotta see this show on Bravo. Here's why I'm riveted. A, the guy's a total psychopath and he cons women, but he's not just a con artist. He's more than that, right? Wouldn't you say? He's a master manipulator. He is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I'm more obsessed with Deb, the, the woman's character.


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[Assistant] So fucking much. And I think what bothers me even more, cause she falls into the, so listen, here's the story. He gets, he cons her, they get married within what, five weeks.


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[Assistant] She's great. Here's why Deb infuriates me.


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[Assistant] Is that, yea, she's one of these people who's so innocent, just a deer in headlights, big fucking doe-eyed, whaaat, blonde, you know, the gentle. Naive. She's always got the nice manicure and she just talks.


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[Assistant] Is that what? The world is a bad place? And I'm so fucking envious of that.


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[Assistant] Yes. What it really boil- for me, it's my rage that I will- I've never had that privilege of being able to just be a dumb fuck in the world.


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[Assistant] And be that naive and innocent, like, everything's great. And the people around Deb, Protector, and, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, where you just get to be a child your whole life. And what kind of infuriates me about this, too,


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[Assistant] Is the whole through line, they're like, you're a victim. Deb, you're just a victim. No, you didn't do anything wrong. You're a victim. And it's like, well, there are so many flags with him. And yes, okay, the first time around, remember she, she does leave him at one point when she finds everything out, but then she goes back.


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[Assistant] Can we talk about lot lizards? I've been fascinated with this idea.


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[Assistant] Wear her out? What do you mean, babe? You know. And the bang bus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you told me you guys take your turns on the lot. That's what I'm saying. Well, I'm saying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have. I mean, I've heard about it. Look, I saw, first I saw an, you know, I do love the gram. I saw the outpouring of, you know, my favorite thing in the world is when people hop on board.


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[Assistant] I just think it's so fucking cheesy to be like, the light of my life, this is the one and only, you're the inspiration, and it's so sincere and earnest, like, I've- I'm just embarrassed by it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Uh, I heard a rumor that he was, that he was getting fired from Empire and he was doing this as a way to get attention. See, that I don't know. Stuff like that. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, he's making it political. Which, but you know, by the way, if you do make it political, you make it about anti-Trump, that you've rallied now the support of the entertainment industry, cause everybody fucking hates Trump and showbiz.


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[Assistant] I apologize for any mentally challenged listeners that are offended by that. Uhm, did you hear that Karl Lagerfeld died?


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[Assistant] I love anybody that has the audacity to have such a stylized look, cause it feels, oooh,


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[Assistant] Every day. Cause all the obituaries, when I read them, they all say, he is known for his ponytail and black sunglasses. Like, that is such a bold choice.


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[Assistant] And fingerless gloves. Like, who just walks around life wearing shades and fingerless leather gloves?


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[Assistant] Blue man, go back to his Teefees. I mean, he had enough money to take care of ya.


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[Assistant] But type in Iris app, appful. I-R-I-S-A-P-F-E-L. You ever seen this old lady? She's super... famous.


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[Assistant] That's like, that's, that guy's so gay. Like he's so powerfully gay.


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[Assistant] Any local women in the city of Los Angeles, if you'd like to make Josh Potter come?


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[Assistant] Hey Jean, so I was listening to an older podcast where mommy Tina was talking about eating her mom's edible underwear. Yeah. And it made me think of my own gross ass story with mom. Just to, just to let you know, I didn't eat the entire pair of underwear. Uh, my mother, as we discussed, was mentally ill and she would show me about sex and she


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a sex drawer that she would show me all the stuff in, and she'd be like, this is edible underwear, it tastes like piña colada. And I was so young, I was like, what's piña colada?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, she says it made me think of my own gross story with my mom. When I was 18, I worked in a sex shop in Culver City and my mom was very much privy to that information. So one day while I was at work, I see my mother and my aunt at my store picking out items for their men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom notices me and quickly tries to hide behind a small display table that had our newest collection of vibrators. Ugh.


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[Assistant] As I clearly spot her and say, hi mom, my manager quickly turns and busts out laughing saying how quote cool it was that my mom was a customer.


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[Assistant] Mind you, I had barely graduated high school and was mortified to know what my mom was doing in the bedroom. Ugh. This is just one thing I knew too much about in comparison to all the other nasty ass things she had asked me in regards to her sex life. Keep it high and tight y'all. And no, I wouldn't marry my mom from Danny.


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[Assistant] That's how my mom was though. And my mother would show me her douche bag, like the old school douche, like the bulb, and the black thing and the orange bulb, and she'd always tell me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. How much do you think your parents fucked?


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[Assistant] When I'm, I thought about it even last night as I was walking around our bedroom, I wasn't wearing a bra under my shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought about how when your mom came to visit us about two years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember I took her bra shopping to get her the right size for her tetas because they're low hanging.


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[Assistant] And I, I gave your mom too like a house bra, cause I wear like around the house without an underwire, kind of a loose, just something to hold them. And he said that he doesn't like her wearing that even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you prefer though? Would you want mine to be hangers low or to...


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[Assistant] That's my favorite. The picture of him holding the mic. Which tour is that? What special is that?


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[Assistant] You know what I kept thinking about this week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, and how is that a bragging thing that you went from two down to one? Like shouldn't you be upping your Amazon Prime deliveries if you're a baller?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it happens, you know, the hormonal shifts, plus your intestines are all scrambled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause you gave her mouth babies, you didn't do- That's right. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in, I'm more of a relationship lady, and AIDS came out when I was in college, like it didn't come out, but the hysteria, you have to wear a condom, you're gonna get AIDS. So I was in college at the height of like, you're gonna get AIDS and die, you know? Right. So that was a huge deterrent for me, was disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like ethical or moral. I kinda wish I could go back now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but you were real slut back then. Was that just, was it booze fueled or was it? Yea, it was a lot of booze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All things. But also, don't you think it's, I mean, from what I have learned in years of therapy, the toddler years come around again in the teen years, in a sense, right? So how they were as toddlers, theoretically, is what they're going to be like as teenagers. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also for them to be rebelling and to be pushing back on you is totally good and healthy and normal. And if they weren't, then I'd be worried. The ones that are like, I'm just Christian, we're just going to Bible study, like, you're gonna explode at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Running circles around my parents who weren't paying attention. But that's the thing is that my parents weren't great and they were not paying attention. If your folks pay attention, she can't get in. How much shit can she get into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But 15's rough, especially now with social media, I didn't have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you see who's skinnier and hotter and who's got the cuter boyfriend. It's like, it's way more pressure now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back at least in the 90s we had these anti-heroes as girls, like you had, um, you know, Janine Garofalo, you had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the grunge look or whatever. You had, like, Kathleen Hanna in Bikini Kill. Like, you actually had anti-girls that were rad. Did you see Ghost World? Yea, that kind of stuff I grew up on too, the 8 Ball comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I don't know what the anti-girl culture is, cause it's all main, it's all Ariana Grande, like girls who look perfect and are perfect. I don't know what girls are looking at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't, they, they like, they've incorporated capitalism with, like, causes and shit. Yeah. Whereas our generation was like, fuck capitalism, man, Reagan, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, here's a fart mic in case you have any. I forgot to tell you earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little dangerous. Did you watch the show Dirty John? No. Okay, you gotta get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the lamest, I hate it and I want it removed. You hit that shit, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know. It's a different system there. It's a tutorial system. So, I don't know. It's like one on one shit, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had one time a guy I accidentally cut off in, uhm, freeway traffic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he started to swerve his car to pretend he was gonna try to threaten to hit my car. You know what I'm saying? Like, he was like, meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus that's a generation that they didn't have, you know, therapy or talking. You're considered a massive pussy if you share your feelings about stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's an odd choice that a parent would keep those things. I wouldn't personally, that's not something I would keep my children's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, cause I secretly, when my son is a little rebellious, I like it. I am like, yea, you fucking put a brick in it bro. Like I'd rather him be like that than compliant and docile. I'd rather him be a little like, this is what I'm gonna fuck you, you know. A little much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Jesus. And your new podcast with Allison Rosen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wanna go original. Does it smell like an original chapstick? Is it kind of medicate, yeah, medicine-y?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, by the way Kyle, we have a fart mic here. I don't know what you had for lunch, but if you feel like farting there's a microphone here and just let me know and we'll turn it on and you can fart into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes me so nervous to think, I get very uncomfortable listening to those kind of shows where they're just like shit on each other. I just, it's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, we used to sleep in until noon and then we had children and now like I'm up at 6 a.m. Every day. It's brutal. Like it took three years for me to get used to that schedule because my normal is nocturnal. He and I used to be up till 2 or 3 in the morning and then, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say something now? My family is so dysfunctional that I actually do have family members that won't speak to me because of stuff that I've said on this show or my act. Oh yeah. And it's kind of a favor. It's a blessing in the skies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She looks dead. We just made those, five of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Valentine's Day? Did you send her a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And plus, uh, well, your browns are messy, you're a vegetarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, yea, it opens it up. Yea, I know. So can you, so she's, can you be yourself with her? I guess, I guess I don't understand how people, like if you're not married to a comedian, I just say what I want to him, we're horrible to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I made a brown, and then I flushed. And I'm like, that's not even a real story. But he's, he's always telling me nasty shit. Are you nasty like that with your lady? No. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Starbucks has, uh, pronoun pins for the employees to wear. Him, hers, them, they. You know, you up on your pronouns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, I think he was Gene Pampa, was it, or Tom, no, sorry, Tom Pampa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On his Instagram the other day, uhm, had a video of a guy, a full grown man, playing a video game at full volume on an airplane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just have the iPad out at full volume. Boop boop beep bop boop bop. Like, oh my fucking god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah. I've had a bitch back in the day, boom, boom, boom, and I've turned around and been like, could you, could you please? And she was like, fuck you, you bitch. Like she got mad at me. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. She's like, fuck you. I'll do what I want. And I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had to call over the flight attendant. This is years ago. She was like hammering. It was probably on your mom's house I brought it up. And you turned and you said- And I was like, excuse me, you know, every time you do that, I feel it. Do you mind? And she was like, I'll do whatever I want. Like she was sassing back to me and then I had to call the flight attendant. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about it. What are you afraid of? Like what? How does she reprimand you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, just so you know, he used to have two Amazon deliveries a week, now it's one. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I, I just, I'm disqualified because I'm not light eyed, and I'm also not American born, so I, and I'm old as fuck for him too, but besides, yea, ancient, ancient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nicholas too. No, no, no. This guy's either Persian or Armenian. That's where my mind goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is kinda shit she would do too. And then she would get mad at people for seating her too close to the toilet at restaurants. She'd get real racist too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think people have like, you know, I understand we're not supposed to say all that stuff, but the over-sensitivity to it, like, older people who are immigrant and foreign, like, English isn't their first language, like, they don't have the same sensitivity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't discourage nose picking either. I can't. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, Tom rolls and he, in my car he'll pick his nose and then he'll roll and just throw them on the floor, which I'm almost fine with that. But I think does it in the area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't eat butt holes. I don't eat butt holes. Have you ever pulled a long hair out of your butt hole? A long hair. Have you ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know Tom, I think we should press pause on the jewelry. He wants to get chains, like gold chains for his 40th birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you in- but you don't enjoy it? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So embarrassing, Kyle. It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will say Morton's, we didn't get free food. McDonald's gave us free. Morton's, they only gave us employee discount. So that was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's think about it from a hygienic perspective. Like you're dipping in your food and then your fingers are in it and then the chocolate just gets recycled, right? Like a fountain. It's nasty already, a chocolate fountain. It's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your website? It's my name! Kyle. That's a good one, right? Kanaan.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good work. That's a multi-layer fart. Top and bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright, alright, let's do a gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drug people. Can we come in? He's like, yeah sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Oh yea, R worded? R worded. I don't know if that's in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to youtube.com slash your mom's house clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's highlights of all the shows that we'll be putting out from the main channel. So full episodes on the main channel, which is the one you're currently subscribed to, and then the clips channel is where all the highlights are gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. I want you to open up your heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, I know you want to go back to your ex-boyfriend. And I'm just telling you now, you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You won't be able to find him. I'm gonna have my eye on you for the rest of my life. I'll never let you go. And I can't wait for you to be in my basement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, uh, have you in my grass forever. Alright, love you. Ciao.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kitchen cabinet doors come open. Things fall out the cupboards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm gonna need your help. Help me summon these spirits right now. Okay. Spiritus. Satanica. Potatus. Incurcio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spirits, are you here to harm us in any way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. What the hell just happened? What just happened? I just woke up and I covered my own feces and my own urine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well I guess it looks like these spirits are here to stay. I appreciate all your help, everything you've done for me. I'm gonna go wash my shitty drawers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend. Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know. Cause I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go full throttle. I could see me fall in love with you. It just, I don't know, I just looked in your eyes and I just melt. Anyhow, I'm heading off to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doors, windows, so this is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very handy guy, and uh, I'd love to build you whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want you to know that. Okay? And I look forward, uh, going out to dinner with you. So, let's make it happen. Mwah! Ciao, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to build you whatever you want. I just want you to know that. Let's make it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so Burton 4th. Okay. This is crazy. Yes. I've never seen this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what's up everybody? I'm Tom Segura. I'm looking for a ride or die chick. She's Christina P. She's a government informant. Let's get on with the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Merriam Theater in Philadelphia, aka, Philher-Abdelphia, Pennsylvania. This one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So to make sure I get it right, is going to be Friday, uh, what month? October? No, November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday, November 16th, the 10.30pm show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the other shows are sold out. So if you waited, you're now, the clock is ticking. Get your tickets Friday, November 16th, 10.30 p.m. There will not be any more shows added in fill her up Delphia. Very, very excited about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fresno, Fartno, uh, Bakersfield has a few tickets left, and there is also tickets at Fart Myers, Florida. Uhm, there might be also some at that Wednesday show in Montclair, Montclair, New Jersey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, the week of the Philadelphia shows, so that would probably be the 14th. The 15th is sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's it, TomSegura.com, uh, click on the tour page, and as I mentioned before,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you didn't do it yet, a lot of you did. Thank you very much. Sign up for the, uh, email list that I have. There's a big email announcement that will only be via email coming in a week or so. Uhm, that's what I got. Uh, Snitch, what do you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how they got that, uh, Vince, what was his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, oh, there's a show in Gainesville, and then there was a show in Starksville, and then there was a rape in each city, and... Cool. They were like, well, it just lines up with your touring schedule, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I can't believe you're not tattletaling on me for something right now. But hey, it's good to be back. Always love doing the podcast. Okay. Hashtag turn him in. It's a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hashtag, she's a snitch, let her go. That's the other movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people weighed in last week. If you missed it, uhm, it really took off also on social media about whether or not I have a ride or die check. And I gotta tell you, I do not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it's just, you know, it's your choice. You let me know who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, first of all, I just got upset with somebody else. I didn't get upset with my family. So I don't see how the two are connected. Okay, because- I did something and I need your help and you're like, nope, I'm gonna leave you behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom's wrong. If someone harms family, I'm all for revenge. Otherwise, run away and call the cops. Also, sulfuric acid is used in pool maintenance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like Christine's genes can only become a certain amount of high and tight before she's the one that, uh, the very vows she promised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, looks to me that Tommy is not only the water champ, but the marriage champ as well. Way to really fuck that one up, Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More messages. Hitman Richard Kuklinski aka The Iceman earns a well-deserved reputation as a cold-blooded killer but manages to keep his violent profession a secret from his wife and children for years. Hey, Chris Snitches, that's your nickname.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I just, I put this together and I just see what-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a dummy who's not gonna fucking push back and give me shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I'm the only one. No, I like that show too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this setup. This is part of the, you know, this is part of his arousal is pretending to not know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. But Mistress Kawai, she looks very cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's always ready, Mistress Kawaii. Wow, she is fully smothering him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. She's smiling, you loved it. And he gave it, and he fucking loved it. And he goes, oh my gosh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not know what you meant when you said a face fart. Now I see is that you actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has gotta be just a joke set up for the next video. Oh, for her. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're the dad of the mistress, at least you're like, yea, she's dropping fards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably a different feeling than if you see your daughter in a blow bang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, but what is worse to see your child doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dicks over the face and jizz on the face. Yeah. Seems really kind of degrading, right? Seems. Seems. I'm talking pure optics. So, uh, but then again, if you know if there's two dicks in her ass, you're like, I fucked up. I didn't do anything. I did things wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not on you, but the blowjob is a voluntary act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was today? Like a bit, how was today? Ah, so much fun!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you like sucking on sticks? Yeah? That was awesome. I had a really good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am very excited about it. He ain't too dumb for face farts. No, speaking of too dumb to cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also been very popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we got this message. I think I found the right photo for the not too dumb to cum shirts. Cool. Hope you find this useful. Your ride or die. Chris. Rude. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job, Forrest. He's even got a dumb haircut, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I got some bad submissions for FGTR TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people were like doing things like, oh, it's F T D R G T and like, dude, look at, look at the letters first before you submit. Um, so, oh, where's that one? I wanted to pull up this to you. Um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you remember our- Doesn't even answer me. Sorry, say it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It mean that you go, oh, it's worse than my daughter is doing porn. But I don't think, I think it's kind of jokey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that really hap- I don't think a parent of a guy is gonna be like, dude it's great. Like, my kid fucks a lot. I mean, like, I don't think that conversation really happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a talent but I still don't think the parents are like, it's really great. It's probably not. What our kid fell into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't know how he can get hard all the time. And now he gets to showpiece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually it is a bigger tower. It kind of should be a little more celebrated. Yeaah. But I think it makes for a lot of probably conversations that, you know, I think there's a lot of parents in that position that probably go like, uh, he paints.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone grieves differently. When his mom saw him masturbating when he was a child, she winked at him and smiled. Oh wow. And that kind of... And he was like, this is great. He was like, this is a good thing. I'm on the right path.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. My parents really were so fucking weird about sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think looking back you go, you know, when, if you try to like analyze your parents,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize they're just people. You know, they're just people out there. And in most cases, people are doing the best they can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, most people's parents are doing the best they can. Some people are neglectful and shitty, I'm trying to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying, like in my parents' case, they're not neglectful and shitty, they're doing the best they can, but I think that there was, you know, they were so uncomfortable with just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my dad would have been a little different about it if he hadn't been with my mom, who was much more so an old school Catholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's South American breed of it, where it's, it's kinda heightened. I mean, she did boarding school with the nuns, you know, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did my parents, if my mom saw like a woman in bikini and she's like, are you watching pornography?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like seriously, so I would be like, oh my god, like I thought just a woman's body, you know, you shouldn't be like, that's nice, you know. It's changed, it's changed in latter, you know, like as we become adults, it's not as weird. But when we were kids, oh my god, no, everything is porn, no. Like a woman's legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked him if he masturbated when I was a kid, cause I was sorry to masturbate. And he goes, no. I go, did you ever masturbate? And he goes, one time. I go, one time? Cause yeah, when I was 16. And I go, what happened? He's like, that's it. So I just went in my room like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't know how to talk. I was like 10. I go, uhm, uh, so can I talk to you? And he's like, yeah. And you know, you could tell it when it's hard for a kid to say something. I go, I was taking a shower. I remember this like it was yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have a whole different psyche about this if I was raised differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably wouldn't find sex stuff as funny as I do too. Cause it's so taboo. It's so taboo, deep, like it's in my brain's DNA. Right. That, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my dad championed that in our house. And I gotta tell you, like, I didn't think it was, I wasn't like, this is awesome. But I did react, I loved more that it upset my mom. That was the, that was more the draw of it to me. Was that he would be like, you taking shit? And he'd be like, yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he'd get all excited and I'd be like, yeah, Turkish. I wouldn't be like as excited as he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then she will be so upset, I was like, this is pretty good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of this topic, do you wanna, we actually had our question answered about queef vs. fart debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the question was, I think you posed the question. You said, is it a queef if it comes from your ass or is it definitely?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we were like, is it- If there's air pushed in there. If there's air pushed in during anal sex, when it escapes, is that a fart? I'm sorry, escapes. When it escapes, is that a fart? And I thought it was not, and I think you said, well look, it's a butthole, so when any air comes out, it's a fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and this guy has messaged me and, uh, and I've, I've messaged, we've sent messages to each other and he's a real doctor. People way smarter than us are listening. Allow me to settle your queef versus fart debate definitively. Thank you. This comes down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To definitions. Oh, you might be right, Jane. A queef is a vaginal expulsion of air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your emailer was raising the question of whether or not it matters what the origin of source of said air is. But the answer is that it doesn't matter. And here's why. Sex is not the only source of queefs. And not all queefs are expulsions of air that has been forced inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For examples, there are diseases that can result in the formation of a fistula, which is an abnormal connection between two hollow organs. A colovaginal fistula is an abnormal connection between the colon and the vagina. This can result in gas from the colon being expelled through the vagina. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Likewise, air forced into the rectum during anal intercourse that subsequently expelled is a fart. Because farting is the expulsion of air through the anus, regardless of its source of origin. Sorry Tom, Christina is right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, huge congrats to Chriskina for queefing out that baby. You got it. Also, please add some tampon Florida dates so we can come out and see you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Keep Those Genes High and Tight, Dr. Peckerchecker, MD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's possible that air can filter around the browns, but the browns and farts are both pushed along by what peristalsis and thus travel together. Teamwork makes the dream work people. This guy sent me photos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well let me set it up. Maybe I'll set it up for when our guest arrives. Sure, sure, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's absolutely fantastic. Thank you, Dr. Cock-Dock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess I did think that shits push the farts out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, our guest is here. Should we go get him? Yeah. Yeah? And there's some really important stuff I want to get to. I mean, I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll be right back, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of all these files of things to play. So he messaged me, he's like, I fucked up, I'm sorry. So I'm like pulling stuff on my own and it's not the same because it's like, you know, it's usually organized and I just hit a button and it plays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm going through emails and I see this thing about this. This is probably like the episode that I would say, at least early on, best to find our show. We did a huge segment on this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like a documentary, like, thing they did on this guy, who has this condition where he just comes all day, every day. And it's ruined his life. But he orgasms, he doesn't, cum doesn't cum. Right. Every time. No, but he's, it's debility, he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel bad being around my kids, cause I'll just start orgasming as I'm looking at my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's persistent genital arousal disorder, that's right. Oh, PSDG. Yeah. I just remembered that I talked about it in my last special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there a wealth of people like this on the rise? Not a wealth, but there are certainly, I mean there's definitely more than one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the big news, okay? This guy was profiled on our, we were obsessed with this guy. This is a few, I mean a number of years ago. Haven't really, I had to go back through these drops to find him. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now she only climaxes eight times daily. So I guess it knocked it down a notch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The transgender mother of two hit headlines having a hundred orgasms a day. Uh, here look, look I nailed it. Persistent general arousal syndrome. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine Decker, Two Rivers, Wisconsin, ultra rare condition, uhm, an accident triggered the illness. What's her name now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a great- have you been there? Yeah. Oh, it's the fucking best club. I'm just going- I'm going there in two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets the feeling every time, like here, this, this is actually, this is the audio from this moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Christine remains married to her devoted wife April 36th. No, that's Christine's 40th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the women try. They try. The woman here is sort of a ride or die chick, I would say. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, demanding that, yeah, he's like, he's like, I mean, I don't fuck with chicks like over 120, and you're like, okay dude, and like the dude just looks like a fucking candle melted and then stopped halfway through it, and like just pig guys, and you're like, Jesus Christ, and here's the thing, that guy will score chicks all the time. Totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's unbelievable that the woman goes like, yeah, he's confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look for tears. That's who you want to approach. Someone that looks like they always were just crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you want. So it's just unwiping them away. Right. And they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you're married. Yeah. Uhm, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess should I pose the question as to you or what do you think your wife would do? I'll ask you what you think your wife would do. Okay. So let's say, uhm, your wife's out and she comes home and she's like, Hey baby. And you're like, I gotta tell you something. She's like, what? And you're like, Hey, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that, uh, FedEx guy and he always like, he'll just kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, uh, no one saw it, and uh, I got the body in the trunk. So, uh, just wanted to let you know. Do you think she turns you in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Christina right there. There she is. That's her immediate response. Her immediate response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maria. Chorizo chaser, you know? Oh my god. Chorizo. Chao.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, rocking back and forth, you know, licking knives, I'd be like, alright, something's wrong with her. But if you just told me a story, you're like, I got real pissed off, I did this crazy thing, I would totally be like, yea, alright, I'm with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be a thrill to have someone tied up, I imagine. You know what I mean? Like, in a basement and just the control you have over them. I kinda get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this condition was prompted for Christine when she was a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and had a back injury, and on the way to the hospital in the ambulance, she started having orgasms. And the next day, according to this article, she had 236 orgasms. Yeah, the constant spasms leaving her pelvis in agony, I'd be on my knees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these people will be staring at me, it's humiliating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's gotta be nothing worse than honestly feeling like you're born in the wrong body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, by the way, all these guys, especially big guys, when they start to trans, we were watching that show, and this guy who was transitioning was like, everyone thinks I'm a man, and you know, he just decided, and he was a big dude, it's like, dude, why aren't you running every morning? Yea, you gotta run. Yea, lose weight. You gotta lose the weight. Do the diet, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's especially weird when you see that guy over the course of time not making any progress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same guy. And sometimes you'll hear that same guy complain, like, I just can't. Like, you're not doing anything right. That's why you're not making any progress. That's even more sad. I think what's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the rock. Yeaah. He does his big, he's like. Yeaah. Yeeeah, that big fuckin' grin. Was that a cocaine smile? Oh yeaah. Is that how positive that guy really feels naturally? No way. Cause his smile, he's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey. He's like, feeling good in my anchor. I'm lifting this morning, shot eight movies yesterday. Shot eight fucking films. That's four. I'm almost done with my first workout of the day. And you just see the smile just never fade. And he's like, alright guys, get after it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think is depressing too? I've thought about this. I think it's naturally depressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think they all self-sabotage. I think there's just so much pressure to maintain it. And there's a natural just ebb and flow. Like, you look at someone like Tom Cruise. He was the number one of number ones for a huge stretch. Then like obviously some weird personal stuff happens. It's all public, right? It's like these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scientology. Yeah, the crazy couch jumping. I love this woman. All that shit. He puts it back together and, but he also is known for having like, I mean, there's no kind of an odd point of view personality and it's all tied to staying in that top slot, I think. Right. You get obsessed with being up top. Oh, they make those


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need to do it to keep going. Because without the act of documenting it and showing and getting the reinforcement, something, they lose something. So they need to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out how hard I'm working and tell me how proud you are of me for how hard I'm working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're also all supposed to grind. We're always supposed to be grinding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I saw the text on screen that was like quarter of the way in where they go, chug, chug, chug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're already saying they're like, we're not able to verify any of the claims by this guy. And I'm like, that's not a normal thing to put up on screen. Like they're obviously prompting you to pay attention to this guy. And then they show him like doing coke and like his friends were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's all crazy expensive cars. We're talking like, entry level, 250 grand for these cars, right? Lambo. Lambo? Okay. Ferrari's, Rolls Royce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insane luxury cars. If you had like a S550 Mercedes, they'd be like, get the fuck out of here with that shit. But anyways, I'm seeing this shit, I'm watching and you're like, okay, people will rent these cars. Do those businesses acquire all the, that'd be way too much capital, right, to be buying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was talking to the people that rented it to me about this, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they were cool and they were like, oh, they follow like comedy and they were like, you know, we just had an account. I go, so you buy all these cars and they were like, uh, yeah, like kind of like dodging around. I'm just curious. I'm not trying to get into the business with you. I'm just asking you. And they were like, yeah, these are all our cars. Like it wasn't like they didn't work forthcoming with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How they actually are able to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a thousand, something like that. It was for a day. You know, it's expensive, but I go, you're not doing enough business to...