[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't use all the hot water, and you're like, I can get a better water heater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find that to be like one of the great pleasures is like, like in a nice hot shower and just, you know, I mean the water running on the back of your neck and just kind of, it's almost like meditative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, by the way, he has, his beating the door open to me has lead into me now. Beating the door open? Like, don't leave the door open with the aces on. Oh, yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First thing in the morning, I pick a big jug of water and I pour a couple liquid IV packets into it. I love the way it tastes. And yes, you're getting more hydrated, so I'm all about it. It contains five essential vitamins, more vitamin C than an orange, as much potassium as a banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Healthier, much healthier than sugary sports drinks, no artificial flavors or preservatives, and less sugar than an apple made with clean ingredients, non-GMO, vegan,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code mom at liquidiv.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would not approve if you had the kids on it. No, I wouldn't do that. Yeaah. Then I would be like, you out of your fucking mind. Yeaah. But alone, that's fine. That was okay? That's totally fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's totally fine. You bet she thinks it's fine. Hey! Whatcha doin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, keeping on the uhm, in the any lane, uhm, we haven't visited, I don't think on this show, his tattoo yet. Oh my. We just talked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is something. So, before I bring it up, how long have you wanted to get a tattoo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, yeah, yeah. And did you always have the size in mind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. So you didn't know whether this was going to be small? Like did you always have placement in mind? Like where it would go? Did you entertain different places?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Alright, well, here it is. You haven't seen it yet. This is Eni's first tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, I mean the size of it is what first gets me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long did this take? It took 8 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And are we supposed to now think that we don't know whether you're good or bad though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See this thing right here by my thumb? That's a spider. I'm scared of them. You did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, that's true, and it's going to be a great weekend. Do you want to see what Adriana Checik's weekend plans are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DP Friday, DP Saturday, DP Sunday, and then boy, girl, anal scene Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does have a busy weekend. And by the way, if I may be so bold, sounds like a birthday weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is good, this way all of your shit just falls out of you. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lisa Trager is a big Adriana Chechik fan. I didn't even know who she was until now. And she was like giving me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The full scoop. She's like, she's such a fucking animal. Like talking to me, she's like on her only fans. She said she's like, Lisa loves her. Lisa thinks she's great. Huge fan. Huge fan, but like really put me onto like, she's like, no, you don't understand. This chick is intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it old guys? No, just all you have to do. White guys? Male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something about how, uhm, like her presentation, like even right here, she's hot, right? Yea. Uhm, and, but she's like, I think it fits what she does, cause we were talking about like, being desired, an attraction. Yes. And how like, sometimes, in some people, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you don't ask for it, it's like you get it even more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I get that so much when you say that because I picture myself driving up to the booth and I'd be like, who's this super cute chick in the wind? And then you go like, why is she fucking working?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think that is though, that the dress down, not try, is what gets...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does work. Cause even when we were talking about it, I was like, oh yeah, it's like when you go into a, especially a type of store that like someone has to wear a uniform, you know what I mean? Like a, like a company wear, you know, it could be the AT&T store or it could be like Wendy's and you're like, you see like a pretty girl in that you're like, whoa,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but the only time I've gotten compliments compliments is actually not, you know, trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the message. Don't try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when, like, I meet people now, like, cause I have, like, one of my friends who I'm, like, Yea, when I'm out on dates and stuff, I'll, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, like my friend who is, is a single guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we talk about dates he goes on, it's like the same type of conversation. It's like, you know, she's cute or she's hot or whatever, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This other chick is like marriage material. You know what I mean? So I think you even like, even if I, if I meet a woman and I'm thinking about my friend, I'll be like, Oh, this is someone for him to hook up with. This is someone for him to like date. You're categorizing them that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hi, well like, you'd think of, there's like, with, I'm sorry, the way we look at women, almost immediately you can put, you put down like, this is a high quality woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, self-respect, uh, the way she carries herself, uhm, you know, has, you know, has opinion, things to say, articulate, uhm, career-driven in some way, just like a certain, yeaah, I think it's like the way she carries herself, and you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So, I want to be the best version of myself I can be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well when a, when a woman has crazy high numbers, you just kinda go like, oh, well she's gonna be good at this, you know. But, I'm not gonna like, you know, bring her, bring her to meet mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it would be a fun time at the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, am I gonna be like, two at the same time? She'll be like, sometimes I've done five. Whoa!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know I can see him doing. She could be like, put it in my ass, and my dad going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'd be like, I'll give it a shot, dad. Yeah. Check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I get distracted enough and forget that he's there. But it would also be weird if like, I forget he's there, I'm super into Adriana, we're doing it, and then I just hear, come on buddy! I'll be like, god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. He's like, you can do it. I'm like, shut the fuck up, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadav, Nadav, would you dp someone with your father?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the one that was married to Amber Heard. Or to Johnny Depp. And then he like, was accused of abusing her and stuff, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. If you had to DP with your dad, do you think, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, let me put mine next to it. Let's look at our decks together. No, we don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, he's got hangers. Yeah. I've seen him change from behind and I've seen his balls hang like to his knees. He bent over and I was like, do you have pig nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, what's that? I'm like, God, your balls are so big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was fucking around with his food and then he dropped it and I was like, see? That's what you get, now you dropped it on, I gotta, mother fucker. He was like, hey! He goes, don't yell at me! Talk to me like a normal person!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's really fired up. He goes, you don't yell, you talk to me normal. I was like, well, you're yelling right now. He's like, be quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is somebody that doesn't take any shit either. This is in the back of a cab in the UK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at some point here he slams on the brakes and the guy's faith goes head first. That's what he did. He slammed the brakes hard. Oh yeah, yeah. And he blew them off and then he knocked them out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy will not know what happened. He's gonna be like, what? Dropped off at the location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, one of my friends, a woman, told me that when she used to drink a lot, and she lives in New York, and she goes, this is one night where she's on a vendor, she goes, I woke up in someone's, like, in a stranger's apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with no shoes and I lost my purse and my wallet and everything and I was just, I walked into an apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I seek out only darkness outside of comedy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll check out comedy every once in a while, but I just feel like we're so involved in it all the time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know if you agree with this gentleman's philosophy. It's a pretty interesting philosophy, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause at first you said that and I was like, that's a pretty cool guy, you know? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think of him encouraging infidelity? Because that's how his friend was born.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cool friend for somebody. I mean I'm not against this theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big G. Yeaah. He's like, I love my friend, not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I can tell you how it goes. He's not. Guys like to fuck guys. It's normal. See it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been a straight guy my whole life and all I do is fuck other guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I've aged so many years actually, uhm, over these last 12 months. And if you're like me, you're feeling your age more than you used to, and maybe even in the bedroom, it's time to snap out of it, and that's where BlueChu comes in. BlueChu is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in chewable form and at a fraction of the cost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bluetooth tablets combat all forms of ED and can help men gain extra confidence when it's time to perform. Bluetooth is an online prescription service so no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations and no waiting in line at the pharmacy and it ships right to your door in a discreet package. We've got a special deal for our listeners. Try Bluetooth free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We use our promo code mom at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's bluechu.com promo code mom to receive your first month free. And we thank bluechu for sponsoring the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, no one told this, that I knew, no. I'm trying to think of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, no, it doesn't pop into my head that anybody, I'm saying of course that happens, but I'm saying I haven't heard that story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I heard this story, like you hear the story from the gay guy, like when Justin came and told us about in college, this guy being like, I'm straight, but I want, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, he's had multiple wives though, yea. There's always been that, that accusation for years. They've always like, there's a whole camp of people that are like, oh he's definitely gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of those ones where it just depends who you say it to. Because there are literally people who would be like, yeah I know. Like a lot of people would say that to you. And then a lot of people would just be like, you're fucking out of your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be weird, like just her now being like on a date or something and then she's like, are you married? I was married before. What was he like? Hmm, hard worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the fucking biggest thing, I swear to God. I've never seen anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But are we gonna still, you think in the future, bring our leftovers and trash bags home or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we get like some things, why don't we get like some like appropriate take home bags just stocked here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. It's just, you're just moving around what you want. I get it. I get it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to make a video that says, just show me your tits, I wanna jack off. But, he doesn't feel comfortable saying this. You go, I wanna laugh. I'm here to have a good time. Just have a couple of giggles. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about her? Fitz, are you gonna say anything? We brought you on the show to fucking contribute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at you, just wasting away on that couch. Not doing a god damn thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I see that exercise. She's exhausted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think cause when you stay at a hotel you just really don't know what's on the floor everywhere. Like, she's eating probably all kinds of shit that we don't, we're not aware of. I know. You walk through the lobby and she's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then sometimes, you know when the fucking somebody, you're like, hey, we watched the dog go into a set and they're like, yeah, and then you get off and they're like, yeah, he's been feeding her fries. You're like, what the fuck, man? Who told you to feed the dog fries? Well, she just kept coming up to me. Yeah, cause you're feeding it fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, the first time, the very first time I took him on the road, it was to San Jose. It was either San Jose or Sacramento, which was it? I think it was San Jose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a UFC fight. I was working the club and then Joe was like, do you want to come to the fights?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, yeah, this was like, I said, I can come for a few fights because then I gotta go do my show. So I have FIFO and I think I'm there with Matt Folchron and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, alright, I've never traveled, I don't know at what level. So I put him in the breathable dog bag. You know, it's like it has, it's vented. Yeah, it's like a travel case. And I'm like, I'll just leave him in this, this way he's like safe and contained in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, as I leave the room I hear him barking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, well, he'll be alright, you know? He's safe in there. We come back, and he had torn his way out of the bag. So he just ran around the room, and I was like, oh my god, it's all torn open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next time I leave, I'm like, well, I can't put him in the bag. I have to go whatever to a show. I'm like, I'll put his leash on and I'll put the, like the end of it under this chair so that, you know, he can only go so far and put the water in the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out for a few hours. I come back. He had wrapped himself around the chair and I was like, Oh my God, this dog almost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so panicked. So then I, that was like the first weekend, so then I started taking him to, I didn't know I could take him to the club, you know? And then of course everybody would fall in love with him and want to watch him, especially the staff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is on sale. Yes, this is the first leg of the tour. There are many, many, many more cities to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't yet purchased tickets, uhm, we have sold out shows, we have added shows in a number of cities. They're all at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not get your tickets from a third party site. Just go through my website and get tickets and you can see all the dates that are currently on sale. There's about 50 more that will be announced in the next leg, which is probably in another month or so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, you're on the road also doing a bunch of shows. Uh, in July, people can catch you at LOL in San Antonio, Texas, July 15, 16, 17. Then you're going to the Liberty Funny Bone in Ohio, July 22nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Columbus, August 12th through 14th at the Funny Bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, of course. Let's get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this guy had just committed some crimes and smoked weed, he could be way cooler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not gonna take it. And then he goes, we are gonna take it. Didn't he get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually has really full eyebrows. And a great hairline. Look how thick his hair is. Look at us finding the positive where you shouldn't find it. Alright, next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, yeaah, it's the actual door knocker. Yeaah. That's, this is real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is officially my favorite TikTok of all time. Ever, right? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like that would be the coolest thing is like you go to like Elon Musk's house and he's like, you know, I got like 15 wolves. Do his accent though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's also, the accent has diminished quite a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, guys? I'll tell you this right now. You can get a bowl. You can buy a bowl. You can buy a bowl. If you bought the food and the seasoning, you can buy a fucking bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cook like bowl, like a tin, you could just be like, here's a cereal bowl. Cereal bowl, anything dude. You fucking have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can do halves pretty well. I always know there's two. Either I'm half this, I'm half that, I'm half this other thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he ended, he ended with, hey, come here. That was the end of his video. Really good TikToks today. Really good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how could you not approve of this? This is top notch stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot going on here. Uhm, I don't know if this is just a, you know, big talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Big talk. Yea, us talking? Yea, for like a pretend match, or if this dude really wants to fucking kick someone's teeth, cause it sounds pretty real. Yea. And then you don't know where he's looking either, so it's really like, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you have to tell him exactly where to kick to kick someone's teeth in, you know? You have to be like, okay, do you know where your right foot is? Alright, just stay right there and take a kick. And there's a face right there. There's no way he's just finding you and kicking your teeth in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, as a result the brain might see two different images, double vision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a wrestler. Like it's a wrestler type of, uh, you know? That mannequin with the ladies hands behind him? Yea, because he's talking about wrestling and, you know, it's got like a band, like a whatever on the arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. This is absolutely disgusting. This guy's hard to wa- uh, uh, uh, uh, like to fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't think, actually I can't remember the last time I farted in front of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not attractive. Not appealing. Didn't enjoy. Not a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we're gonna close on a song that was sent in. It's called Aw Get Off, extra champagne remix. And it is by, can you tell who it's by? I can't see it in the thing here. You know who actually made this? I'd like to give them credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notes floats? Alright, notes floats. Aw, get off the extra champagne remix. Thank you all for listening and watching. Happy Born Day!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look very lovely. Happy birthday. Hope you have a great weekend full of 19DP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen here, when you been with your man for a long time, every now and then you got to go in the back of that closet and fill out that freaky stuff. Get your freaky stuff on. You don't need him, he needs you. Remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's talk about egosexuality. That guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So an agosexual person might have sexual fantasies, but they won't be part of that fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe they really enjoy porn, but are not willing to have sex. So for agosexual folks, there's a disconnect between themselves and objects of sexual attraction. That's it. The A spectrum is the coolest spectrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh oh, yeaah, don't do that to me again. And I was middling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This really gets me. I just think it's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You married a dime, she gets fat, she refuses to lose weight for you, so you're essentially paying a pig for the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another growl and all that? Definitely scare people. His size? Would definitely scare people. But with these guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just as much my job to protect him as he would need. That's just how the packs work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, someone breaks into a house that has these guys, unless it's mostly dog, he's gonna run and hide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, employees that come in to help me clean the enclosure, they run to the back of the enclosure and hide from them. Thus,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wolves do not make good guard dogs. Want a good guard dog? Do like I did. Get a German Shepherd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's funny to hear this, like my sister is a big fan of this podcast, and I mean it. I'm gonna look at her different. We're gonna have a different relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. You did say the most before. I did say the most average. The most average, which is, it, it is, uh, it's pretty insulting. Like the greatest average is like a fun, that's why I didn't name it the most average. Right, right, right. The most average would have been like, he's just... No. That's how people describe the show. They go, how is it? They go, it's the most average.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Prince's Hot Chicken is the kind of old, famous one. Now they have Hattie B's. Hattie B's is amazing too. And Hattie B's always has a line around the block and everything. The dude that runs it, big comedy fan. Really? Yeah, and he's like a great dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, Hattie B's is awesome. And Prince's is awesome too, but, so I never really went to Prince's. Long time ago, Hannibal Burris was in town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he came and he was like, let's go to Princess. So when you go to Princess, you gotta pay cash at that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I didn't have cash on me, and then Hannibal's like, all right, because I'll just get it, because I'll get it back from you later. I was like, Hannibal just did Spider-Man at that point. I'm like, Hannibal, I'm not tracking you down, giving you this $10. Just so you know. You just buy it for me. You just buy it. I will never give it to you. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uh, it's, it's, uh, and Prince's, it's a black-owned restaurant. Been there forever. So Hannibal gets his food. They do not give me my food. We sit down and eat. I feel like I was part of reverse racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sit down and eat and they, uh, he ate all his food and then we were done and then they brought mine. I was like, well, I got to get it to go now. We're already done. And I thought, and so I got to tell him, I was like, oh, I get what you guys go through. Now you understand. Now I understand it. And I took the food home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like stay, it was before I moved back to Nashville and I was staying, I was go back to my parents house and I, I didn't even get to eat really, I ate a little bit of it. It was great. And then I left it and then I put it, my dad came home and just started eating it, not knowing that it's a hot chicken and he ate it like it was regular chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, uh, they were pretty open. Like you walk in, you, like, cause it was right when they said you were vaccinated, you don't have to wear the mask. Yeah. And, uh, but it's attached to a mall and you got, you win it, when you went into the mall part, it was, you needed to put your mask back on. Sure. It was uncomfortable. People, everybody had it on, but shields.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not. Uh, I saw him everywhere, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. Yeaah, I did think about it, I don't know, I don't know if I dove deep into it, but you definitely see them. I think I've seen them. Isn't it like their wah-wah? Yeaah. Like it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why you did that. Maybe he didn't, maybe he tried to do it to see and then he goes, if it's like a real old man, that's like, he goes, no, it's fine. That's how you spell it. Yeah. But that's what that word is, right? It doesn't even mean another word. It doesn't mean anything else. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would hope he would be oblivious to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no


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[Assistant] I don't know, probably stuff. I don't even know if I have desires anymore because it's all been beaten out of me.


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[Assistant] You know? And this will, he'll end it on its own once he rails it behind a tree. And then you're gonna start your life, then you're gonna live, then you, then you get some freedom.


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[Assistant] It was when I, so my dad's a magician. Yes. So like, when my family was way on board, uh, when I told her, I don't remember, I mean I was 22, 23, 23 when I started. And I moved to Chicago first, so that was, I started in Chicago. And then, uh, but then it was a lot for her parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her parents and her family was like, what? Like, you know, cause you're not, like when I was meeting them, I wasn't, I don't know what they expected. No one knows what a comedian really is, but I think they typically think we're pretty wild. Jovial and yeaah. Really outgoing. Very quiet. Yeaah. And so they were like, he doesn't even really talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, okay, uh, and you know, but her, I think her parents were, it was, it was pretty different. Her parents think now.


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[Assistant] Uh, now, I mean they get it a lot more now. I think they still, it's, they're, they're super supportive. They come to, whatever. And then, and they were very supportive even then. They would come to shows and stuff. So they get it a lot more. But now it's like, you wanna, you know, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your, your girl's taken care of. I got, you know, exactly. And so you, you want to make sure that they, you know, and her dad knows that. One thing that was very sweet that her, her, uh, my brother-in-law, uh, when he came to the show at Zany's a long time ago, and then he, after the show at Zany's, he watched me and he was like, it was pretty packed. It was kind of early. It's like you can maybe sell out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always, so the thing I get asked a lot is, uh, people ask me if I can do magic, and I can't, I can ruin it for you. Yeah. Because it's, it's all I saw. You saw him, like, trying... Yeah. Yeah. Do we had, we'd have to buy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot more lemons and oranges than you would think. Yeaah. Like, I mean just a lot. Cause you'd have to do tricks with them or newspapers and all this kind of, dollar bills that are uncut and all this kind of stuff. And coins, we had half silver, I've seen more silver dollars than a bank.


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[Assistant] Where they try to, you know, it's like they gotta, they gotta show where they, they gotta see if they can guess. They're like I know what you did.


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[Assistant] His pen and teller had their trick where they caught a bullet, they shoot a gun and uh, he catches it in his mouth. Uh huh. And there's way, but there's different ways to do tricks. And like whatever way they're doing that, my dad doesn't know. Like that's a lot of magicians, I don't know if they know how that's being done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of it, even with magicians, like somebody that does a lot of sleight of hand, even when they do it with cards and coins and stuff, they can do it in front of your face and tell you what they're doing and you won't see it. Still won't see it. I mean their job is to make you look a different way. You're gonna look another way and then they're gonna


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, my dad does that one. He does that one? Yeah. Isn't that crazy to you? Yeah, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm blown away by it. My dad is, so he was saying earlier about being annoyed with it. So like, when I grew up with it, I didn't even know it was weird. It's like your kids. This is not going to be weird. This is very weird that your kids, your parents have these jobs. But it is not going to seem weird to them. They're around other comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, you know, it's like, well, you gotta act for free.


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[Assistant] I remember, I remember having a birthday party and I was like, he's performing and all my friends are loving watching it and I just don't want to watch it. Like I've.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, kinda like, you just get annoyed with, cause you're like, I've seen this show. Yeah. You've seen this show again. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, you go do the hits. Yeah. Any new stuff tonight, Dan? No? Alright. And so, it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's amazing at it. He comes and opens for me on the road. That's wild. And uh, it's very funny. People are surprised on how good he is. He's very funny.


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[Assistant] International Brotherhood of Magicians, IBM, and he's the president of that right now. Wow. It's a big, their big thing is I think they didn't let Houdini join.


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[Assistant] It's like a lot of like, I remember a lot growing up was like putting the coins in between your fingers, like you know, like you make it kind of go back and forth. So it's a lot of that. And he would just be doing that like all the time. Yeah, we're watching TV, anything, all day long, just kind of doing stuff like that. Just like, you gotta get your hands like, just where they're really good at like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, hiding stuff and, uh, he would be, they buy a lot of tricks so the big way magicians make money is they can invent a trick and then you have to buy that trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the proprietary thing that you have to- Yeah, yeah. They sell a trick. And then on how they- and some of it could even be an act. My dad had a real big act where he would get out of a straight jacket and uh, he'd have someone come help him. But it was a comedy act. It was like, he basically needed help the whole time getting out of it. And that was, but it was like a very funny thing. And then he could sell that.


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[Assistant] She just used to, I mean her whole, her whole life, they've been together since 7th grade.


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[Assistant] So uhm, yeaah. I mean, it's crazy. And so they, you know, I mean, this is all she's ever would know. It's her, her whole life has been, you know, it's like I grew up living like how, you know, you live with like as a comedian, it's like you live by paychecks. You're like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna, uh, you know, I got a thousand dollars this week, so we can go do this this week, and then next week I have this, you know, like that you're, the way you do math through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, yea, that, yea, I love the, yea, so I mean that's how we grew up, so like me, like my wife is, you know, what's much more save money and so, and I look at everything that was, I still look at everything that way. Yea. Now we can do this, look, I got all this. Yea, yea. And then COVID happens. Yea, yea. That just blew everything up. Yea, yea. That mindset's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's, I mean, she's in a lot of it, but she's, uh, she's, she's into it. She, you know, she's got a very great with it. Like, if I do jokes about her, like very cool about it, you know. And I mean, I don't try to do anything crazy. I would never do anything to hurt her, like hurt her feelings or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, I don't know if I would, you know, it's a lot.


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[Assistant] You think it would, just bringing it up, she would be like, the fuck are you talking about? I mean, even if we talked about it privately versus you guys talking about it here, that's different, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's a different world, I guess, like, it's a, you know, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I bet people had this same conversation with, it's just always going to be this conversation. The next generation is this and it's all, it keeps going.


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[Assistant] But you know, I get, us, I get compared to you a lot. Really? You know that? You're, uh, you're fans usually. And they're, they, I think they think it's, uh, well it's all because they, they love you and they're telling me that I, we look a lot alike. Or something. Yeah. I mean, you're obviously, you're, you're hip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You either want it or you don't. If you're not on board with this, I start out very slow at the beginning. If you're not on board with this, then it's not going up for me.


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[Assistant] I get them in my rhythm. Yeah. I learned that in New York, cause in New York I'd have to go follow, you know, Will Sevents, who's murdering.


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[Assistant] And then like, when I go up, it's like, I gotta get that audience into my rhythm. And how quick can I do it without burning a joke? Right. Like, so, and then you start slow to get them to go, alright, this dude talks like this. And the quicker I can get you in that rhythm, the quicker I can just have a normal sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it would be like, alright, towards the end I was starting to figure out, like I could just go up and be like, alright, this is, this feels weird, like you say something as dumb as that, I'm not even saying anything, I just really want you to hear my voice, and then I don't have to burn a joke, cause then I'm just saying, you know, talking about nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just start nice and easy. Yeah, and that's how you do it. But yeah, I would always get, cause I met you first.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, and then I would always get told that me and you should hang out. Cause you were like college football. And because of this, I guess this vibe.


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[Assistant] I always say I'm a, uh, comics parents comic. Yeaah. Like I am, I am always like, uh, I'll be on the road and comics like, yo I told my parents they should come see you. Like and I'm like alright. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's your, but it's uh, you know, to each... It's just whatever, you know. It's whatever. Look, if everybody's a good comic, I mean, most of my comics are all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think of a joke and just see which way we go, both go with it. And it was just so different. Yeah. Like I would take it just, it's obviously clean, normal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever my way is, and I mean, his is like, I mean, he's already in the back of the car, like having sex with this woman. You're like, well, that took a turn. Weird. That was about parking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like he just goes, but we would never touch on the same subject.


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[Assistant] Almost nine years, eight and a half years or something like that. So I basically, I was in Chicago for two years with like Pete Holmes and I did, I started exactly like Pete. I started with Pete at Boston Comic Club handing out flyers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In 2004 as I moved to New York. And then, uh, so I was doing all those shows, but I was just clean. I never talked about it. It gets talked about more now just because it's like,


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[Assistant] You know, people realize it, but, uh. And it was a deliberate effort, or is it an effort? Yea, I mean, I could never have been, it just, it wouldn't be, I wouldn't feel. That's not who he is. Yea, I would not feel comfortable.


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[Assistant] But now it's been 18 years, so it's like you're, yea I just don't go. I never say I won't ever, I don't know, I'm open to the idea of like doing it.


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[Assistant] It's not like I'm specifically trying to stay, you know, my biggest, my favorite thing is if someone comes up and they don't realize I'm clean. That's what I've always, that's what I've always wanted to be. And so, I mean, I would do those midnight shows and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just don't have those jokes. I've never had a joke about sex. I've never had a joke, uh.


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[Assistant] And I just don't, I don't know, I just don't, I just, I don't think about it.


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[Assistant] But it would be a challenge for me to not talk about some other things, uh, you know, like, I just, I don't think of it, I just, it just doesn't pop, it just doesn't, you know, it's not how I, yeah, not as a, not as a joke.


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[Assistant] I mean, there's a lot of murder in my act. There's a lot of murder. I talk about murder quite a bit. You guys are kindred spirit. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's like a very extreme, you know, you go to the very extremes and talk about that stuff. So, uh, I just do that, but it's, I don't know. It's just, that's what comes in. I like it too. It helps me, you know, you just stay over and you're just trying to keep your head down. You be in your own world. You get a lot of laughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, yeaah, it's, well, that you can learn, that's why like being, uh, you know, we're like, kinda like us on stage, we're not moving around a lot. Like there, do you ever think about, on stage, how far do you go, where you walk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, you know those monitors in the front? I will sometimes go, try to get by one of them. And I can't, I can't, I feel so uncomfortable trying to, I think everybody knows I'm trying to go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't, I don't, it's, uh, what's about the words? Yeah. You know, the words should get you there. I should be painting the picture good enough that you understand it. Yeah, I agree. Uh, there, I had a woman once, I did an Elk Lodge, like in New York, and uh, very, you know, very early, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, you know, it's just hard to tell when you're, the punch lines are. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, you should do something about it. Like you should like, maybe put, uh, spider webs, like Spider-Man, you shoot spider webs out of your hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when like, here's the punch line. Like that's how much she wasn't finding the punch lines that she goes, you need something for real. A visual cue. A visual. And so I would, when I got to the punch line, I would shoot spider webs out and she's like, then you're like the Spider-Man comic. And like, that's great, right? And I was like, great idea. That is a really, your mom had a similar kind of idea.


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[Assistant] You walk out with like stones and you're like, oh, I was doing some old, tool stuff. That's your old stuff? Yea.


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[Assistant] That was, he was, uh, huge. I bet he would murder.


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[Assistant] And during that time, I bet he murdered. I love thinking about these old comics that like, Billy Gardell would always, I had never seen him live, but I always heard that with him, like he would, and uh, Bob Marley. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You go into a gas station, they have Bob Marley.


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[Assistant] And he would, like, I would love to see the show just to hear that audience. Yeah. Cause they would be losing their minds.


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[Assistant] So I was in New York with that mindset. So there was, your whole thing when I was in New York, there wasn't all these alt shows. I mean they had like Rafifi, like I was there, like Malayne used to book Rafifi, like Nick Kroll ran it I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so that was like, I didn't really know that there wasn't a big alternative scene and you had to get past the club. So that was the big kind of thing. And so you would, you would try to murder every show because you'd be in front of a real audience. And, uh, I, I do have trouble with that even now. Like I still want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm, if I try something and it's, I'm not good with, like, letting it...


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[Assistant] Sit in it. Yeah, yeah. Like I'll, I'll, I'll bell, I mean I'll bell on it. I'm not saying everything works, but I'll just bell. If I don't feel like it's working, I'm not gonna sit in it and try to figure it out. I'm not gonna try to figure it out right there in that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Generally you can have a pretty good idea. I have to, I like to have an out. If there's a, I just before, if I take a joke, I can play in a joke, but it's gotta have an out. Yea. A strong out.


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[Assistant] This might be why people have a problem with women comics.


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[Assistant] It's, no, I, yeah, I think you guys have to, you know, I always thought about like women on the road, like that's gotta be the hard, like, cause it's uncomfortable, us, to go on the road, and to stay where you have to stay, and all this stuff, where if you're a woman, it's like, you're just on a highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, really? That's crazy. A little bit above average now, Tom.


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[Assistant] You're lucky to be here, so fuck you. Had a pretty good weekend.


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[Assistant] Uh, you know, again, not yet, but I will definitely let you know. You know, that's why I killed your wife, because she didn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one needs to doubt this energy, you know what I mean? Yea. Just because we don't spit it on the mic doesn't mean we can't make some damage. We can definitely do some damage. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, uh, Mike Myers when he does, he never runs. It's right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, like, see, no. I think about sometimes if I ever see a stranger, I wonder if I can get in their life and be their friend. Oh, wow. Like you just see someone at a restaurant and you're like, can I, somehow,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Infiltrate their life and then become friends with them. Yeaah. And then retext them, then be like, hey I didn't even know them. Yeaah. How quick can I become their friend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was that innocent. Just wanting to be friends with someone. He, I watched an interview with his dad, and they, uh, they were like, did you do anything weird as a kid? He's like, he killed some animals and stuff growing up, nothing crazy. Like, he was like, cause that was the 60s, and that was like, back then they were like, yea dude, I don't know, they didn't have TVs or something, so they had a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, we never hunted. We were never big hunters. Uh, I've never killed an animal.


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[Assistant] Yeah. They can enjoy, I mean to them I think it's even more seeing the people go in. That's what the whole thing is.


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[Assistant] That's what they report. Yeah, my dad, I mean, just in the crowd. Really? Like, we'll walk around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like very proud, but like, I mean, it's just, he's out there. You know when you first start, I used to have to tell my mom, when you first start, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having people come out, cause at first they're coming to see you, like when I was at home, my mom would know the whole crowd. Like she would just talk to everybody, cause she'd be like, oh, we all grew up with these people. And then there's a point where you could go, yea, we don't know everybody anymore, so you can't walk out there and just start talking to everybody, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Hilarious. I'm gonna go bring him back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you go on the road and someone's like, hey, y'all wanna come see? And you're like, alright, and then you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I missed that truck drivers favorite video. He's like, dude, I can't believe I saved that. Like he's very proud of this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get it. I enjoy watching your videos of people on your live shows and no one can watch that stuff. You like those? Well, yeah, I like your TikTok videos too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can, uh, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, there's definitely, I have anger. It's, uh, you know, I don't post. What do you want? What do you want to happen right now? Let's talk about it. What do you channel your anger into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dump it all on my wife. Yeaah. You know? Make her wake up and deal with it everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have like, you know what's funny is like they're, uh, I'll get, like when I talk about my wife, uh, on stage, like if someone doesn't like, they're, they're commenting like, why are you married? Like they try to say that. Oh right. And that was something I had to learn very early on, how to tell a joke to be like, that's not the point of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's like, it's not, you know, I don't hate this woman, like, I'm just telling you about the bad, you know, I don't tell you that everything's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, it's like, uh, I think you're, for comedy you have that. You've got like a dark thought. Yeah, you do have to. You know, I just put in a little bit nicer for package. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always tell people that you can get away with a lot, sometimes if you just, cursing is just like, they just notice the word. Yes. If you don't say, if you don't curse, you can say basically whatever you want. That is so true. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, you know what's funny with comedy? I think we, our whole career is just asking each other how to write. Yeah. Cause I, I think none of us know what we're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we think another person has it figured out. Yes, you're totally right. So you're like, what are you doing? Like, do you have a secret? And I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is zero secret. It is whatever you do to make sure you do the jokes. Uh, I don't write anything out. I write the idea down. I'll never write it out word for word. That was a Patrice and Burr thing that they said, I remember a long time ago. It's like, if you write it out word for word, it's like, you want to be conversational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, what your act is, is you're trying to talk and like, it's almost like, you want people to feel like you remind me of my buddy. Yea, yea. That's what, and so it's like we're just all hanging out. So if you write stuff out where, like, I never listen to, I never record my set, I never listen to my set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if I could record it, uh, like who am I kidding myself? I'm never gonna go back and listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I come up with a tag on stage, I'll, I'm pretty good about immediately going to write, like, I might write the tag down just so I don't forget it. Uh, I write my sets out, that's, I have no cards, I write a set list out, and I have no cards from 2003.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, so I've wrote this, I write where I'm at, where my set list is, and then it'll just kinda change, like it just changes, you know. Like when I build this new hour, one way I did find out, as far as like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You write like a note, uh, idea down, right? Like, you just, like, you come up with an idea, you just kind of write the idea down. And you, you're writing kind of 24 hours. You're kind of just always kind of thinking, how can I tell this? Uh, but recently I started putting, when I was building this new hour, I put in my notepad, new jokes, and I put March, and so I just wrote down some stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I did the next April, I did it for April, and then I came up with some stuff in May, and I did it in May. And I did kinda like that, cause it like made me, so every month,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can go, like, and I'm just putting the ideas down. So it's like, well how many ideas did I come up with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you can go look at it and see all my ideas you, you know, you came up with. I like that. That way you, you, it's not, I'm not sitting down every week. Like you don't sit down and like do stuff, but you kind of just go, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if it goes away, it's bad. I think you're totally right. I think that's when you know that something's changing when you don't have it. You should feel like after every special, you're like, well I don't know how I ever will come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, even this new hour, you're like, alright, I'm happy with it. And then it's like, whenever we tape this next special, you're like, dude, how will I ever in a million years, what is there to even talk about? There's nothing left to talk about. That's true. It's impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'd be like, are you gonna do your A stuff? He's like, nah, I got some other stuff. I'm like, you have other stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, I have, what I have is what I'm doing. I don't have, uh, reserves, just sitting in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm gonna murder dude. Like I'm gonna, it's an A list. I never tried to and people always go like, oh he was doing all new jokes. Like I always heard that with some comics. They go, dude he did a new set every time. You're like, well that's impossible because he would be the greatest comedian that's ever lived. Do you know how hard it is to write material?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, there's a lot of crowd work stuff, like that's my, I have a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's like, you know, just don't, it's like, no, every show's different. You're like, dude, it's not different though. Crowdworks is not even, Crowdworks, how many,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An act is, dude, it is so hard to make and to produce a new act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's stupid. Yeah, and they would tell us that the crowd is weird. Yeah. They got a crowd was not that good. That's what they tell us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The crowd? Yeah. No, yeah, yeah. I'm not a big blame the crowd, but if something goes wrong, it's, uh, it's like, if you're, they're too drunk or they're yelling stuff out, you're like, dude, that's not, I always heard that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell sometimes when it's on you, but it's rarely on you. It's rarely on you when you go, like, we do this 24 hours a day. My whole life is this, like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I won't do my act. I won't do my act. I'm not a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to talk to you. Like it's, uh, you know sometimes like too when people get like heckled or they get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all happens. But heckling like, if you go up there and I start talking to the crowd and then they're like, dude, why was that guy being so bad? You're like, why did you talk to that guy for 20 minutes? Yes, that's different. You go up and you go, this is an act. Yes. This is what I'm doing. Like I'm not trying to, it's a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you try not to say it. Do you use the word aggro quite a bit? Do I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. Maybe today. I say it a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I even know what it means after all that he said. I've just been going with the vibe of what I think the word means. Yeah, aggression. Okay, yeah. Aggressive. Aggressive. Oh, it's exactly that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't in my mind, it means dead gummit. Yeah. And so like you just, that's the word that we always heard saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, maybe it is a boy. You know, with a girl, it's, uh, it is much different. Yeah, but boys are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, when I have my friends that have boys, it is, when, when, when you don't have a boy, and all I kind of know is the girl world, and a boy comes over, it's wow. Like you're like, wow, this is a lot dude, like, and I mean it's a lot of, a lot of jumping around, a lot of jumping on kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I'm sure, yeaah. Yeaah, you know, I've busted my head open or, you know, I've done a bunch of that kind of stuff. My buddy Travis is here with me, like, uh, his kid I think got stitches yesterday. He's got a boy, like, just playing. Had to go get stitches last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother got stitches, this kid hit him with a golf club. Uh, once, and then, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all in like, uh, the living room? Outside. Oh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a big golfer. I'm a big golfer. You play a lot? They usually tell a lot of men that they should watch. Do you bring them on the road? Uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, a huge, uh, tour, the Rain Check tour, as we're calling it. We get the Rain Check. That's nice. They, uh, so it'll be a lot of dates that were rescheduled and then a lot of dates that are kind of new and then we're going to be adding a bunch of new dates. I get a lot of that, you know, it's a lot of, why are you coming here? It's like, it's going to get announced soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the idea that like, some of the times it's like major cities, like, you're not gonna come to San Francisco, like, do you think I'm not coming to San Francisco? One of the biggest cities in America, like, yeaah, I'm gonna miss it. I'm going to El Paso, but I'm


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. If you just look at our careers, what, what do we give off that you don't think we're going to just be on the road for the rest of our lives? Yeah. Like all I've done is be on the road and you think for some reason, here's about 20 announcements and I'm done. I don't ever think I'm coming back again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, I don't, uh, I don't say, I do have, like, I had someone on, like, listen to our podcast, our podcast, the Nate Land podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, but someone told us on that podcast, I was talking about like a comment, this guy, uh, was like, I'm not, he's like, I'm not listening to this podcast anymore, it's not good. And I was like, thinking about that guy, like he, did he tell a friend, I don't like this podcast, this podcast that I listen to, Nate Lane, I don't like it. And he's like, alright, you go stop listening, you're like, I'm gonna let them know that I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's gonna go, I'm gonna personally let the guy, not even a company. It's not like you're emailing Target. It's like, this one dude. This one dude, I don't like it. Yeah, hey, I'm not on board with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one I got because there's a little bit of a laugh track on this one because it's outside and she was like, I don't like the laugh track. And I am, look, it bothers me. I don't want it, but it was during COVID. Trust me, I didn't hear a laugh during that show. So they had masks on, there's helicopters flying over. Yeah, we had to mess with it a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something's not, and those are the ones that get divorced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right. I don't have, I don't wear one either. I don't. Why? I wear it on stage. I don't know, is it not talking about her enough? Is it not? I have to, no, I'm joking. I guess that's me. I mean, my whole career is based on telling you I have a wife. Is that not, can you give me one thing back? Can I have my finger back? I love this. Sorry. No, I'm joking. I just don't like rings though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's crazy dude. I don't feel like it's real and that's why I feel people see through it. And so it's all like made up. I don't believe any of these people. I just want to be able to watch them though because I want to, I want to just see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait to read it. I think it will be sooner than later. But it will be beautiful. I think he's going to have to hide how you died. So yea, it better be beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Real. It's very real. What is? Y'all's marriage. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's, it's, it's a different, people lie. They, they, they're. Also, but also I want to make an


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Burr and DeRosa, like back in New York, a long time ago, some, uh, you know, where I don't really know. I now know Burr, but I didn't, like that point I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe he's, we're hanging with him. And the bartender told him, oh, she goes, oh, my brother, like, she goes, we, we love you. My brother is like obsessed with you. He goes, oh, I appreciate it. And she goes, all right, I guess you could take it better. He goes, I don't, I'd rather you tell me that your brother hates me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I met, when I came to your show in Royal Oak, when you were at the Royal Oak Theater, and I was at the, what's the comedy club? This is in Michigan? Yea. And I had to wait in the meet and greet line to meet him. Remember that? I don't remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've talked, we've texted a lot about stuff, because I do enjoy talking to you. Uh, I think where you're at in your career is, I've always, you know, it's kind of like right near, behind you, like, and you're going through all these spots. And I, uh, so I really enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking to you about all this stuff cause I know you enjoy like all the, cause some of the business side of it all. So I do want us to spend more time together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Like I knew it. Yeah, I could just tell. I was in Chicago. I remember texting you. Oh really? Yeah, yeah. Cause then we talked a little bit, cause I was asking you kind of about that world. Oh yeah, I knew it. And all that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a great conversation. We had a great conversation. I wanna, yeah, we're gonna get, I wanna hang out, I wanna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully we can find time to, it's hard to just find time to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you always name where everybody played college? You know, like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got, I went to a community college for a year. No credits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was there, took all remedial classes. I have a joke about it, but like I didn't. Uh, there, uh, it was me and a bunch of people my age now in that class. Like it was all just like me and a bunch of moms that were going back to school. And, uh, I took like math as a class and then I took speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my speech I gave, I showed my highlight, the highlight reel from Vanderbilt's 90


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I named all the players, and I did it, it was funny, and it was like, and I got an A, like they, they were, I crushed, they loved it. And I just was pausing it, and I was like, well this game, cause Vander, I've seen pretty wild stuff at Vanderbilt, we were beating LSU one year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was, uh, seven to six, not beat them, seven to six, we score with three seconds left, ten seconds left or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're gonna go for two. We're gonna go for the win. LSU's ranked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're never beating them. Uh, we get two delayed game penalties, and then get the extra point, get blocked, and we lose seven to six. Back to back delayed game penalties. And then the next day in the newspaper, they go, well, were you changing the play up? They go, nah, we were gonna run the same play. And you're like, then what were y'all talking about? What was going on? What he wouldn't offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. He was, uh, our coach. I don't know what was going on, but I've never seen nothing like it. We also ran a fake punt against Georgia on our own 15 yard line to our punter and he got tackled immediately. We lost that game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well we did beat him, but the one with Cutler...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Earl Bennett. Earl Bennett got a delayed game penalty in the end zone. That game I was doing a show. She gets it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, she's upset about it. I'm still this upset about it. I think about that play a lot. You think they should've won?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not okay. That's when those dogs, I mean, people always like defend, this is a pit bull, right? Yeah. Looks like it, yeah. So they always defend those dogs and you have to go, you need to get some better PR. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that was my teacher in third grade. I really didn't like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, that ceiling screams, uh, apartment. That's an apartment, yeaah. Lived in his own, his whole life. Yep. The hair. The hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just got, he still got those things on. Yeah, his nipples. Hello. What's the, no, I'll get her tomorrow. I'll pick her up tomorrow. Uh, I gotta, buh-buh-buh. He's trying to think of us a day tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people put, what could be his job that everybody's like fine with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a lot of people that think that video is for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to know what he said and meant. Uh, I didn't really know what was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Comment. Are people commenting? Are these, do they have like a lot of views? Yea, some do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Sometimes. And like, so they have, like they're talking. I think there's an interesting, uh, I tell you my, especially I talk about my daughter makes videos like on her phone. I'm sure I don't know if your kids do it. They talking to the video, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go like, hey guys, let me know what you think in a video, a public video, and there's no comments. Yea, yea. And it's two views. Yea. And I'm like, how do you, how do you not go, hey I'm not gonna do that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see a lot of influence, some of them get that free stuff with those followers and I'm like, could I be getting way more free stuff? Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm, I'm, I'm very, I do not ever want to make someone feel bad. That's like, that's my crowd work. I mean, yea, like that would never do it to like, I would break my heart if someone feels, I don't want anybody to think I'm better, like I think I'm better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude no, but I'll meet someone and they're like, this dude's my best friend. Really? Like I'm, yea. You ever meet someone and you're, I always think that as a comic, sometimes you can meet someone and they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're buddies, dude. Weird. I'm never gonna forget you. One on one is dangerous. That's about Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get alone in a room with him about cytology, you're gonna become one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he is. His whole career is charmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you can't handle, you can't bat that away, dude, it's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think whoever asked that question would have just handled with a no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his lot of work, do you have to wear that mask? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a boat. You think if you look at his boat's name, you know what he does? Oh, he's the Dick Dock on TikTok. Yeah. You only took that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I was, she should say that. And also she should just be like, I have diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she's like, I've been up since 6, I might be okay, but if she's like, I woke up at 11, I might be like, oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still, no you left the other, you do it and you left, you quit saying the other stuff, the 305 stuff. Fuck baby, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was 15 seconds. It felt longer. That was longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we're making it up, why do you make her have a job?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if this is all fictional, why don't you, like, yeaah. He's basically like, if you get my life, look, I'll treat you great, but you're definitely gonna have to work with me. That's so true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, you know, my wife always says, you might be, like, uh, I always say it's mean. She never thinks, cause either they ask, like, if you're with comedians, is it always funny or is it always whatever? And, uh, so she'll say, if I do something funny, she's like, oh, here's our 30 seconds of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what she'll tell me, like I was like, I'm only funny 30 seconds. And I always tell her that's one of the meanest things ever. But I do then say, it is a pretty high professional fun. I think I'm at least bringing a professional level of comedy in that 30 seconds. So someone else is giving you maybe 10 minutes, garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is when you see a guy like that and you wanna go like, dude, we're not almost the same age. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. I mean, and honestly, my, this is working out unbelievably for these people. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine you go into an office and you go, alright, what are we going to do today? And you're like, alright, we got the crazy teddy bear. Let's go through all his stuff. And there's like people in suits that have to go through and then watch his stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, this is so sad. He got out to go get that tattoo? That was years ago. What was it? It was a little flower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four or five is a lot. I think in a, if she's in a nursing home. Yea. I think a nursing home is pretty wild. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I always said? When I would get, if I get old, I'm way on board with a nursing home. Really? I get it. You hang out with like people your age, and like foods, like you don't think about your food? You got your meals already pre-made? Sure. You go through like a buffet? It's like you're in high school again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously we can't bring our wives. Well no, they're dead. We live different lives. But then, then the new girls, they obviously don't know how to use phones, so they're not going to be all up on us on social media. They want to see our real families.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not this podcast, so don't, uh, yeaah. If you, I won't be offended if you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my hot chocolate. Now you know what they say about chocolate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can look up, hey big boy, or uhm, the machine. Those are some of his stand-ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay ladies, dad, dad fad, you see it, single, still looking, putting myself out there. Ladies don't just scroll by, say hello, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're within, oh, 100, 150 miles of Fort Riley, Kansas, send me a message. We can hook up. We can get together. I'll find you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay ladies. Dad. Dad bod. You see it. Single. Still looking. Still looking. Putting myself out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm a single dad, living in Chapman, Kansas, come get me ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't get the man out of that woman. No. Like, I'm not fucking picking it up. You clean it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's a good question. What, I mean, what do you, what do you wanna, what do you wanna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we'll just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we'll just kinda tear it up and then just chuck it in the dumpster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you do with the lighting? I dunno, but we got lighting guys in Austin that are already figuring everything out. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You knew this? Yeah, like I think during the elections and stuff, like they went out and they're like, yeah, we don't like this gay marriage stuff either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, I will not be frequenting Jew boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they throw rocks at you if you do in some neighborhoods I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think it is? What? Is that because we put so much mispronunciations of his name. Out there? That people look it up and like they just stumble on the wrong one. So that gets like starting like baked into people's heads. That's my theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said this wasn't an ACL accident. I don't think, is it? Yeah. How can you tell? His knee's bending the wrong way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, yeaah, jumping from a high place to a low place and trying to, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing stuff out of your skill level on the trampoline. That's exactly what this dad was doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one that I did was like, it's like flat trampolines in the middle and then angled trampolines like this on the side. So I tried to jump from flat to side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No yea, and then eventually it was like my knee would lock and I'd have to roll around on the floor to unlock it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, what are you doing? I'm like, ah, this just happens to my knees sometimes. Like, are you going to the doctor? And I'm like, for what? And they're like, to fix this, this shouldn't happen. And uh, and yeah, that's when my eyes opened. I was like, oh yeah, I should get this checked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, we're pretty sure your ACL is torn, good chance that it's just your meniscus. And then, so they scraped out my meniscus into surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely fucked up his knee. Like, like his knee will not be the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you'd like take a misstep and you're like, Oh, that was a close call. I could have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst. I have PTSD and just watching people jump, just jump, not even on a trampoline. It's uh, like I have to look away. I just imagine their knees going the wrong way. Every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do want to say, I appreciate all the comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to turn my life around. How?! And try to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certain lighting makes it a lot darker and certain air lighting makes it look brighter. But you know, yeaah, I made some very horrible...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Crusher. Crusher? Crusher? Yeah. Burton O'Shirt. Burton O'Shirt Chrysler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was a case just a couple weeks ago, uhm, down south and a guy got caught by the police. It wasn't one of our stings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was upset he got caught, understood that he was, you know, committing a crime, but was relieved because it was just the police and not me. And he says it's in the transcripts of the police report. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I became aware of Perverted Justice, which was the online watchdog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a website and they would have their decoys go in and just exist in a chat room. And if they were hit upon by an adult and the conversation grew graphic sexually, they would post that person's ID on their website and people could go to perverted justice and see it. And I thought, boy, if we could


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use their ability to be decoys online and combine it with our ability to wire a house with hidden cameras and microphones. It could be pretty compelling. And so we did it in Long Island, at the page of Long Island and I was driving out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got caught in traffic on the Throgs Neck Bridge, and I thought, oh god, what happens if nobody shows up? You know, and I just wasted tens of thousands of dollars in the network's money. And with that, my producer calls and said, you know, where the hell are you? I've got two guys who are about to knock on the door in 45 minutes, so traffic clears, I call ass over there and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get into position and, you know, we had security there. But in those first couple investigations, we didn't have law enforcement doing a parallel investigation. So, the first guy shows up, and I'm just trying to keep my heart in my chest. You know, I've confronted a lot of bad people over the years, but this is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Close quarters. Yeaah. You know, I've got Ronnie Nights there, my security guy, and we've gone through it all, there's a protocol, but the guy's right there. I mean, he's in the kitchen. Yeaah. With me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm trying to concentrate and have the transcripts and so we get to the first guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things broad in the first couple of guys. They ultimately did. And the decoys would ask


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it shows intent. Right. You know, and the police, uhm, use that in their cases. But, you know, the first couple guys came through and got to the third guy and I grabbed the wrong transcripts from the dining room table. And I said, it says here you want to do this, that and the other thing with a 13 year old named Beth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not me, excuse me, went back, got another transcript. Second transcript was wrong. Finally I got the third stack of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we merely used chat rooms from AOL and Yahoo 17 years ago when we started this. So today, I mean, I can't keep up with the number of social media platforms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upon which a predator can approach a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course of, you know, dealing with the internet. You know, people are on TikTok, they're doing Snapchat, they're uhm, you know, they're dating apps of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it comes down to, you know, you get into this discussion about, okay, you talk about the drug problem. Society is now coming to grips with the fact that it's an addiction and there's a treatment for it. And so there's a combination of criminal justice and treatment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we don't have an effective demand reduction theory, policy in place for child predators. Because it's not one type of God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The common denominator is they don't stand out of a crowd. It could be the guy standing next to you at the dry cleaners on a Saturday morning. It looks like a creep. Absolutely. We've had guys come in, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Predator tattooed on their forehead. The baby rapist stamp. Yea, I mean, you know, and these guys are hardcore heavy hitters, and they're just bad humans. Right. And you just know. You sense it immediately. At the rock bottom of your soul that this is a guy that needs to go away. But we've also had doctors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And teachers. I mean, people who were at the cutting edge of cancer cures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are in our backyard in Petaluma, California on a Saturday morning trying to meet a 13 year old girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had Maurice Wolin. He was the guy who I described just committed suicide earlier this year. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the sad common denominator is that it could be anyone. Right. Here's a guy who was highly educated, highly compensated, married to another physician.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a Saturday morning, there to meet a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that is one scenario we've seen. But in this case, these guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll say that Dr. Maurice Wolin was from that middle category. A guy who probably had fantasies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he wouldn't normally have been able to say face to face. And these guys cross this line between fantasy and reality and the next thing you know they're knocking at our door or creeping around our side sidewalk and entering our set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the, the, the interesting part of it is we did the first investigation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we knew this was very compelling television, very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was on the shelf for several months at NBC. Really? And the discussion was back and forth. When do we do this? Do we time it to September? Obviously it's, it's important material and very compelling material. And


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A discussion erupted in a meeting about, you know, ah, gosh, you know, how do we promote this? And I finally, out of frustration, said, you want to know how to promote this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you how to promote it. And people are now looking, Hansen's finally lost his mind, because he's gonna say something outrageous here.


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[Assistant] I said, there's a man on your back porch who wants to have sex with your daughter. Tonight, and I used more graphic language than that, tonight we're going to show you how to stop that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a few weeks later it was on Tomer. Boom. Boom. And people got it, I mean people knew, but it was, look it was out there, it was different. There were a lot of conversations about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] standards and you know, is this, you know, are we doing something that pushes the envelope? You know, it made people nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It made me nervous a little bit. Sure. You know, this was out of my, you know, I'd done a lot of edgy stuff. I mean, that's why they have me, is to do edgy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? To go to Guam and spontaneously interview a doctor who got caught up in our, you know, child sex prostitution story in Cambodia. You know, I get that that's my role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this was different. Uhm, this took on a, certainly an identity in life of its own. And to this day, 17 years later. And it's being like a reboot. Well, we shot some new investigations in Michigan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we put some of that on the YouTube channel, Have a Seat with Chris Hansen. We're holding the rest to go along with other investigations we have planned in a new series, and we have a series of meetings in the next few weeks, and we should determine where that's gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, John Walsh, who I know well, because I've done some work with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, and I've met him several times, and uh, I mean that, that really resonated with people as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, what's been amazing to me is how many people follow these cases. Uh, there are entire groups on social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More often than ever before. And that creates opportunities. So it gives us a chance to do a couple of different things. One, where are they now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there are some, and we're going to profile them, who rehabilitated themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it was in our second investigation. And again it was before law enforcement was open. I'll tell you this right. So, guy's name is John Cannelli. His screen name is Special Guy 29. He was neither 29 nor that special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are in Herndon, Virginia. Yep. Set up in a home of a retired FBI agent who I've known for years. Okay. We rented the house, did the whole thing. And it was active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this is right outside of Washington D.C. and we had a teacher and we had, uhm, a guy who was with the military. We had guys from all walks of life and this guy who walked into the house naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the decoys have different profiles. So we have some that are very demure and have had no sexual contact with anybody. Then we have some who are a little more cheeky in this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Profile, decoy. Said it'd be really hot if you came in naked. So here comes John Cannelli in his red pickup truck, walks into the garage, we have the camera set up. He starts to strip, and he strips down to his underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he walks in carrying his clothes and a 12 pack of beer. And I'm in the back, in the next room, with Ronnie Knight, looking at this in the monitor saying, leave this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and he walks out and, and the producers had put a, uhm, a blanket, towel type thing on the top of the refrigerator. And I went down and grabbed it, and I said, here, wrap yourself up in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, that stool he sat on became a part of predator history and exists today. Really? Yea, a friend of mine has it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I said, you know, what are you doing here?


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[Assistant] Cause in the profile he said first he was a teacher and then a school employee. It turned out he was a bus driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the fact that we thought he was a teacher, all of a sudden, and now he's naked in our kitchen. And did he go to jail that day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because we didn't have the police there, so he walks out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? The next day, there's commotion in the room dedicated to the online decoys. I said, what's going on? And Frag or Dell, I forget, which said, uh, remember the guy who came in naked yesterday? Hard to forget. You know? I said, what about him? He's back in a different chat room, talking to another kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously he's not gonna come back to the house. Now we've got a production problem because this house is wired. If I leave and somebody else shows up then we have problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had, you know, 18, 20 guys at this point show up. So I said, set up a meeting at McDonald's or a fast food restaurant. You get online, find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go there, two crews, big cameras, shotgun mics, and we're sitting in the suburban waiting, and here he comes, same red truck, in one side, we move in, and I'm thinking, alright, this guy's gonna bold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting help. I said, I'm seeing a counselor. I said, well, John, it's not working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can they? I think some are, but I think, you know, we talked about the one category that I believe Maurice Wholen, the doctor, fit into, was the guy who was predisposed to it but wouldn't do it without the internet. Right. Then I think there's another category of heavy hitters. Yeah. Who lock them up. Yeah. So, but hold on. They can't be fixed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think in some cases, yes. And part of the problem here is that it's not a real sexy


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[Assistant] I mean, there are dedicated people who study this, who go into the prisons, who work with this, but I mean, if you're gonna spend your time going to medical school, are you gonna go do that, or are you gonna open up plastic surgery practice on Park Avenue? Of course. You know, I'm not dismissing either one. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, it's grueling, draining work that these doctors do to get inside these guys' minds.


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[Assistant] And people do it, thankfully, because it helps us to understand. And we know, and I've interviewed them, and I'm getting ready to put another, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A therapist, psychiatrist who trains people to be therapists and psychiatrists for offenders, sex offenders like this. I'm getting ready to interview her for the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, it's, they'll tell you a couple things. One, there's very definitely a link between the viewing of child pornography and offending, without


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting ready to do it. There is a very high correlation. Two, if they've caught somebody once,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we had in the latest investigation, we had, uhm, uhm, a Michigan prison guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a guy who was a contractor who did work in the governor's mansion.


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[Assistant] We had a guy in auto engineering. I mean, this is 17 years after the first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it, why is it that, because I've asked that question many many times to smarter people than me. And what the shrinks tell you is that when it comes to the female predator,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are more likely to see the teacher-student scenario because the female predator does not like the anonymity whereas the male predator in many cases gets off on the anonymity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But would you, in our experience, and we're talking 400 plus, almost 500 guys, you know, in and out of there, not one female. It's wild the way...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just uh, beat the, beat the hell out of the obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on every level, yeaah. I mean, and who does that? We got into this, I was recording the podcast for last week, uh, the episode's out now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the guy had sent, uh, first of all his screen name is Loverman Genius, right? And he spelled Genius wrong. That's good. So, we're recording this in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going through the notes and I go back and watch all the videos and immerse myself in it which is interesting and creepy all at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy had sent pictures of his genitalia to, you know, someone he thought was a 13 year old girl.


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[Assistant] And I'm, and I went off on this whole thing talking about, I say, first of all, in the history of the world, I'm going to predict that no man has ever


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't translate. I don't look at sexist, I just think it's reality. Yeah, I think so too.


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[Assistant] Not quite at that level, but we have it, I mean, this week's podcast, the guy knew, you know, I said, well, you've seen the show then. Well, how do you feel when those guys get caught, like you're being caught now? He goes, well, I feel sad for them, but you know, they're, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple times. Couple times. I mean you're always on edge. Yea, of course. I mean, as many times as you do it, and it doesn't matter whether the police are in the next room or a hundred feet away or who's working my security, it's, you know, you're paying attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know? And it's, you know, so compelling I think. Yeah. Because we are covering...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The commission of a felony. Yeah. I mean, in the lesson, the big picture lesson,