[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the problem, isn't it? Like with stuff like that. Especially like console games, like couch games where you need to have somebody there to play. Like as you get older, you know, you don't just have people that can come over and play couch games with you anymore sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know what you mean. Oh man. What about you, Lewis? Games? Have you been playing anything recently?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love it. I like dropping it across.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, enter the gungeon. That's meant to be really hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heroes of the Storm, like, a lot. Like, mostly just like in the evenings. Yeah, it's a weird one. It's not like- It's super casual though. It is pretty casual, yeah. I just play with goons. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, we got like, like a little group that just sort of seems to play regularly in the evening and then a couple of other people that I know on Battle.net or whatever have a little group. So I usually can get into like a pre-made and I just stomp around and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Win and lose and it's fairly fun. It's not amazing, but it's casual enough and it's just constant team fighting like there's no sort of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It's not like, you don't get that flow like you get in a game of Dota, you know, where like things start off and you sort of jungle or you get, you know, some gold and items and stuff. Like they've taken a lot of that stuff out of the game and all you do is just go around as five and just fucking team fight, which is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing, if you like all that kind of stuff, I mean, for me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing I like about here is the storm is just like 20 minutes is done. No matter what. A team fight decides like the end of the game pretty much if it's not already just a big stomp and you're done. You just move on. You know, like that's all I have time for in the evenings. I can't really play like an hour and 20 minutes of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One game of dota sorta thing, as much as I'd like to. I think if I had more time I would, but for now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that some of the skins like you just have to buy, you can't unlock them any other way. It's just like little niggly things like that that kind of annoy me about it, but overall I think it's pretty fun. You know, the fact that you can just pick it up and play it, especially if you have a couple of people that you know that play it as well. It's clearly enjoyable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That almost has become a bit of a trend for Blizzard now. Like, I feel like, overall, any time I play a Blizzard game now, I just, I leave thinking, that was fun enough. But it doesn't blow me away like a Blizzard game used to, sort of thing. You know, like, the, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I started playing wow and I got really into wow and playing it like all the time, I was totally blown away by how awesome it was and I enjoyed it and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's sad in a way, but I tend to agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? This is it? You know, like, after all that, I just thought, I was expecting the game, maybe my expectations were too high. I thought, you know, fuck, this game is just gonna blow me away. And it really didn't. And like, now I'm just a bit bummed out about it. Like, I don't even care when it releases. I haven't pre-ordered it. You know, I'll probably play it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was uhm, it was called like, uhm, Titan, Project Titan or something like that. It was, I think it was meant to be Destiny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From what I understand. And elements of Overwatch featured in that as well. So it was gonna be this sort of like MMO hybrid sort of shooter game uhm, that just ended up becoming Destiny in the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it's a hard one. I think that they, I think that they're really into eSports and they want all of their games to become eSports, which is, you know, understandable. I'm not sure they are, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, Heroes of the Storm, I think that, I think that they did design it with esports in mind. Uhm, it doesn't seem like it maybe, but the fact that they're doing Heroes of the Dorm and all of this stuff on ESPN and everything shows me that yeaah, they're trying to promote it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got any tips? Oh, glad you have. Man, I am always super ready, like it took me 5 seconds to do it before we started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I check my feed, I check my Twitter feed regularly, so put them in there and I'll put them in a notepad. Alright, first one, from a person named merelyafollower. Uhm, merelyafollower asks, any plans for guest appearances for the Triforce podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a pretty good question. I think we kind of touched on this last week when we said that we were happy just having it us three and our dynamic and that was the format of the show sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we could do, yeah. But like- I'd like to watch that. I think like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think guest appearances and stuff, it's a weird one, right? Cause we have a big network of people that we do content with, that we hang out with and stuff, like Terps or whatever. And like, no offence to Terps, I'd like to have him on, but like, if we were gonna get an actual guest,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's fucking get Arteezy on here. You know, it's just somebody that is well known in some other circle sort of thing that, you know, I don't know much about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not necessarily, but honestly, like, it would give us so much fucking exposure, it'd be crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, Cindy Crawford circa 1986. Get at me. Helena Christiansen. Pamela Anderson. Naomi Campbell. Pamela. Marilyn Monroe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, guest appearances, well, I don't know. Nothing set in stone, right? I mean, I say all this. Chirp's probably gonna be on the next one, so we'll just see. Next! Uhm, the next question comes from Nodgy, and says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we've all played WoW. Since the WoW expansion is coming soon, will you be playing it? What are your opinions on the current state of the game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will definitely be playing it. I'm looking forward to it. Current state of the game, I can't comment on because I played Draenor for like a month and then I haven't played again since, so. No, me neither. I mean, I generally like how much they cram into an expansion. I kinda like the systems that they keep putting into WoW and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The different things that you're able to do, I like now that you can, you know, raid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, without having to have like a big tryhard raid group. I like like looking for raid and all the casual stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sort of suits my lack of time to play like these big games or whatever. Uhm, so yea generally still pretty happy with it. I feel like I get good value out of playing an expansion for a month and then moving on with my life sort of thing. Pretty happy with WoW in general. I don't think it's gonna be around forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As long as it is around and they keep, you know, innovating stuff and adding new shit to it, I'm pretty happy with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't die of old age, there's no aging or anything, you'll never age. With the catch of being sent back 3,000 years in the past, would you do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking would, to be honest. I think that'd be great. I mean, you can't die, right? So like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the first sort of like 2000 years would be a little bit shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then once you get to like the medieval ages and stuff, holy shit. You know, you're immortal, you can't age or whatever, you just do what you like, leading into like modern day society and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm tempted to say that I would wanna like just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, go off somewhere and not have any influence over anything? Because I think that, like, if you set up a religion and you were immortal, you don't know what's gonna happen in 3,000 years, you know? Like, what if they, like, never bother getting around to creating Dota, Pflax? Because they're too busy worshipping you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can teach cavemen how to do it and then that'll just go through the ages until finally it's developed. I dunno, it's a tricky


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought, I thought I'd change things up a bit this week. This is from Mia. It's actually just a nice compliment for us to end on a positive. Cause we've talked a lot about death and weird shit this time, so. Um, Mia says, thank you for the gold that is your triforce. They make the walk to uni the best part of my day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know much about Triforce podcasts. I know, uh, a lot of the fans seem to have very small penises. Or gaping vaginas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, sweet, but then, uhm, we, we used to do these like, uh, yearly Pantos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I was the villain on one of them. And I had to backcomb my hair, so it was like a big like crazy, crazy bush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to do this thing where we'd, we'd all sit, we'd have these old, you know, old skateboards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'd sit on them. We wouldn't stand on them, we'd sit on them. And then we'd just go down this massive hill and try and knock each other off. Oh shit. And anyone that got to the bottom- Did you get all gravely burned and stuff when you- We did a lot, yea, but like there was just- there was just old ladies garden at the bottom of the hill that we'd use to stop ourselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had never played Pharaoh, you may never had played World of Warcraft, you may never had joined the Orcs Guards, and you would be still a computer programmer for his bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying this is why people were into it, you know, cause it was like a, you know, a milestone. You know, you look at the future, people would, people don't give a shit about 1998, but 2000, that's a big year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we do is we get like a, all the little fireworks from a box. We scavitate them all together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We twist their wicks together, light the whole lot, and just see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, so what are you doing tonight, Cindy? Well, you know, just gonna do some drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I met some Hearthstone people at BlizzCon and I thought they were a bit weird. Way weirder than I expected them to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll have to find out, cause yeah, the robots obviously vary wildly in what they could be. You know, it could be the guy with the wavy arms, like made of tubes, or it could be, you know, basically a human. Like most, most Hollywood robots are humans because it's much cheaper to just get a fucking guy and paint his face silver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pat is getting tons of action. Absolutely. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has always been a thing though, right? There's always been porn surrounding every video game and every franchise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. Man. So it's really, I will say it's really, really creepy that the third most searched for term in the United States is stepsister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was something that really creeped me out. There was, there's like a website where people kind of, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Collate pictures of girls feet. Okay. And so there's, there's like a whole website. I mean, I took a foot fetish is like, I think it's a, it's really, it's a really detailed database that Simon found.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, listen, look at this, this page of stats, right? So 20, so of the visitors to like porn hub, 25% of them are women. Okay. Which is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously a lot less, okay, a lot less women are like looking at porn online and stuff, but I don't think amongst that proportion they're any less perverted in their, in what they're looking into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women's favourite, do you wanna hear this? Women's favourite is viewed more often by women compared to men. Okay? Pussy licking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is a really, really common thing actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you'd been, you'd been on a sleepover and you really regretted asking to borrow that silky pillow that one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing. So we talk about how it's so unnatural to have people going out there and like having sex with a bike or whatever. And it is like totally weird, but do you not think that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that is more akin to what it would have been like in nature than something that like, it vibrates. Like how much would vibrate in, in, do you not think that vibration is like over stimulation and that that wouldn't have existed in caveman times? Like when we evolved? In nature. Are we talking about humans or are we talking about vibrates?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those totally local examples of like these little frogs or these little monkeys or whatever, like using frogs as like a flesh light. They like grab a frog and like, you know, use that. There's loads of monkeys whacking off everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I don't think the humour being evolved though with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The year, basically the year, you just think of it as the year now should be 12...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is effectively, that is the era of humanity. That is how long we've had since we started to come together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't carbon date anything since World War II basically because after the radiation experiments, we completely fucked the amount of carbon in the atmosphere and it's completely thrown everything out. So basically sometimes it's very difficult to carbon date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certain things from, that are very, either very, very old or just after world war two, because they're the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't do that back in 10,000 BC. That was a divergence from what we were talking about. But yea, I like the idea that humanity has been around for 12,000 years, so go on, period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be fine. That won't happen. Don't worry. It's a little bit like Hitchhiker's Guide in the sense like, you know, they, they just, we're just, if someone comes here, it's probably just cause we're in the way of them building a super, super great hyperspace roadway. Yeah. Exactly. There's no, we are a spec of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beings that are powerful enough to visit because space is so, so, so vast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, it's ludicrously huge and everything is so far away and being capped by relativity. Sure. Maybe relativity isn't, isn't the limit. Maybe we can go faster than light through some means, but currently our theories say you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And currently that means that everywhere is so far away that you'd have to be frozen for hundreds of years to get there. And it's just kind of pointless. Like, you know, why would they, what have we got if they, if they can already get here, uh, with their technology and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would be the point? It's a little bit like, you know, we don't need to go to the moon or mine asteroids because there's millions and millions of, of unused square miles on this planet that are free. You know, there's, we should, it's cheaper to mine underwater. It's cheaper to mine the deserts and the ice caps than it is to launch up into the asteroid belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, why would anyone come here when they can just get it from nearby? I guess that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's going to be possible that we're going to have our brains put into computers before we eat. I think we're too complicated. We're too complicated in organisms and we know how basic computers are relatively compared to our brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sure, like if you get to the computer, it can do more teraflops or it can calculate, you know, long division faster, but there's no way that we're going to have our brains or consciousness put into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing about that is that it's like the Star Trek transporter thing. Okay. There's, there was a great video about that as well on YouTube. I think it was, I can't remember who did it. It might have been the Kurtzgesagt in a nutshell guys, but the transporter is effectively a death machine. It, it kills you and then creates a new, a clone of you. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is spooky to think about, but that would be the same thing as having your brain put into a machine, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are they just making the most of it while they're, while they're here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should be doing that thing that we put all those e-sports guys in and give them a full rich experience. The Playboy Barney Mansion with the car driving track outside. I read it, have you guys read that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sci-fi movie you're talking about. It's terrible, but yeaah. 1974 or whatever. The movie is awful. The book is very good. It's John Carpenter, isn't it? Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. They had to change a lot of things in Star Wars because of Dark Star. They had that big orange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought some new shoes that don't really fit me very well, and so I'm getting like a blister on my ankle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I wanted to get some, like, walking, like boots to walk, cause I'm walking in and it's like, it was really, really cold and frosty the other day and I slipped and I was like, oh, I don't want to twist my ankle or something. So I bought some, no, they were just like cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They weren't even like a brand, they were like literally like 50 quid, but they were, they were exactly what I wanted, like some brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that is exactly not what I was thinking, but now I am. I'll get some, uh, some foot shoe leather on it later and see if I can get some silky fabric.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But firstly, I'm sure like the gross are the better. Okay. And it takes a lot of time and effort to get a shoe like super gross, right? You have to, if you've imagined that in your life, you've probably had a pair of really old sticky shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? So the people are just super sticky. Also, I'm not really convinced, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just, they just, they just, they kill me. I can't wear them. And so I never


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I ought to have a pair of, like, boots that I could use to go out and stuff. Cause when we went on this, um, like last shoot out to a field to do here as generals or whatever, I turned up in like my, my slip on, you know, trendy white sneaker things that just got completely covered in mud instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo, I think you must have, I think you've probably got exactly all of the, that's exactly what they all are probably. Those people make a lot of money, those are the guys who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would have sex scenes in that were very detailed, very explicit and several pages long. Okay. We're talking not just, you know, fade to black kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't. And even Game of Thrones is a bit- Some of that is very descriptive as well, honestly. Well, Sam's fat pink shaft. It's stuff like that, isn't it? It's like not, it's not great. But I mean, this guy was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The school, you know, that like the people, you know, obviously the librarian had no idea. It was like hidden pornography in the school library kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, hold it together for like 10 minutes more, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can recommend, I watched two biopics, I watched Sully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Nice. Fucking loving it. I think of it a little bit like Ocean's, you know, Ocean's films, you know, where he has to get together, like, all of the old contacts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, almost all of whom are women, oddly enough, um, who, who have married objects and are obsessed. So she's obsessed with the Eiffel Tower and she's decided to marry-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a fence fucking married to the Eiffel Tower archer. I'm gonna be honest with you. It's not a good example. See? Women are crazy about sex just like men are because she's like a fucking outlier. Like that's such an unusual person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I wanna say is ladies out there who are doubting, doubting some of the stuff we said. First of all, you could consider it a generation gap, it's true. I mean, that is certainly true. Maybe young women nowadays, 20 year old women are just fucking every building they come across. They're marrying lamp posts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, but as it turns out, this boogeyman is real, and if you don't keep a check on it, it fucking happens. I mean, now it's all come out in football, like remember there was this, uh, football coach, uh, Barry Bennell, I think his name was, um, who was apparently molesting kids for years. And this is the problem is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody fucking knew about it, but they were like, oh, it's a load of nothing. Oh, that's just Barry, you know, that's literally the way it was handled. So the idea that it's the boogie man, I'm perfectly happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feelings, but obviously like Lewis was saying, they had no way of knowing if they were alone. Cause everybody thinks that either their suffering or their interests or their thoughts are unique, but they never are. Like you always think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe not in Canada, I guess. I mean, in New York, there were lots of gay people and it was very obvious that a lot of them were gay because they were flamboyant and they were, you know, open. But maybe in, I mean, in Bournemouth, that certainly wasn't the case. There was a part of Bournemouth that was known as the gay part of Bournemouth, which was the triangle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there was a, a club there. We would sometimes, sometimes see our teachers coming out late at night, like a teacher of ours, cause we went to an old boys school. Oh nice. And that was, that was kind of a big, uh, big thing. All of your teachers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went to the Bournemouth Boys School. And I mean, the weird thing about it is, obviously, we were like, between the ages of, what, 11 and about 16 or 17. Uhm, I actually, someone emailed me the other day saying that they'd gone to the same school as me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and he, he graduated some, some, you know, at least 12 or 15 years later. And I was like, wow, what was it like? And I was asking all kinds of questions and some of the teachers that I had when I was there, he had still had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and they were exactly the same. Like, Mr. Spencer, the Latin teacher, who was extremely camp, very obviously so, but nobody really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we didn't really sort of know. The only people we knew 100% was Mr. Hill, who of course we called Handbag Hill because he was so flamboyantly homosexual and camp and literally sort of did the limp wrist stuff and everything like that because, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was perfectly comfortable being gay in a boys school and there were so many other gay teachers there it wasn't a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it was like, it was just one of those things that we sort of knew it was there, but we didn't make anything of it. It was still, for most of the teachers there, like, at least half of them were probably gay, it now turns out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like bullied the teachers like we did with some of them. The ones we bullied were the ones that were timid and quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Mr. Hubbard. And he was, he was our English teacher. He was the coolest guy, and he was the best teacher in the school. Hands down. Like honestly, he was the teacher that I look back on now as being like the absolute best teacher that we had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely brilliant. And for some reason, it was a big problem for a lot of the parents that he was a gay teacher. Obviously, at an all-boys school, a lot of parents were thinking, oh, he's after the kids or whatever, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was the only one that was openly gay. All the other guys that were obviously gay, now looking back, genuinely obviously gay, uh, they never came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was what it was, was fear of, of the parents. And I think maybe times have changed, and maybe nowadays parents wouldn't give a shit so much. But back then, they really, really did give a shit. Like it was a big problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean there were no openly gay pupils at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just maintain a simmering level at all times. Okay. And I find that it never boils over. Like, the, the, it's very rare that I'll genuinely get crazy angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I slammed doors and stuff and you know, but I mean, I've, I've actually, I have been in, in fights because I've been so angry and that was within the last like 10 years I'd say. Two weeks, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was quite sort of traumatized by how angry I'd been. Like, I didn't seriously hurt anybody, but it was just, it was weird because I almost felt like I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I was seriously in a really good place, and I'd had a really good evening and everything, and everything was completely cool, but this person just, they just, you know, pressed the buttons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are some things that you just hold, you know, they're just opinions or feelings that you've got that are just kind of really, you just can't stand to see it. And for me, uh, for me it's someone shushing someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really condescending. People being condescending or demeaning somebody. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what, I am, I must be one of the world leaders in masturbation then. If it's 10,000 hours, I'm way ahead of the curve. I swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 416 days and I'm 40 years old. So that's like one, just over one year. In fact, that's about one year of my life. Have I spent one year of my life wanking? You should write a book about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? I'm, I'm, I'm a savourer. I'm like a continental, you know what I mean? The way people on the continent eat dinner, like the French, they'll take like two hours over dinner. That's like me and wanking. Why rush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm not taking you to dinner at the restaurant near me then, because it takes like three hours. Oh, it's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go in, the dinner starts at seven, you better be there at seven, because that's when dinner starts, and it's just a- It starts with a light-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a shame. You're missing out. Cause this, this meal is amazing. It's like 12, 13 courses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just keep bringing you all these little delicious things and you think it's finished and then there's another course. And just when you think you're at your fullest, they bring out the main course, which is like a rack of lamb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they show the entire thing, they bring around this huge tray with this full lamb's body in it that they've cooked to perfection and they take it away and carve it up and you think Jesus Christ now I've got it on top of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I've never, still never been to Vegas. I've wanted to go for such a long time. Never been to Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he gives him a question to go and ponder. He's like, uh, fucking, why do vegetables, uh, why are they called vegetables? Go think about that shit. And off the guy goes, he's like, what a weird question. Why are vegetable called vegetable? Like, what the fuck does that even mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They see a vibrator and they don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the weird thing though. I remember there was a period when, god, this was years ago. This was like 15 years ago maybe. My wife had to go and stay down in, uh, in Bournemouth for some reason. She was staying with my mum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mum goes into her room to tidy up and she sees a vibrator there in the middle of the floor and she's thinking blimey, Maddie's a bit blasé about having a vibrator in the middle of the floor and she thinks nothing of it and then she says to Maddie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've left something on the floor in the bedroom and you might want to pick it up because it's just a bit, you know, my, you know, my, my daughter might be a bit confused sort of thing. Cause my sister would have been a little bit younger at this time. And my wife goes, oh, it's just my hair straightening tongs. And my mom's first thought was that these hair tongs was some kind of dildo or vibrator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I have got something to talk about. This is, this is a problem, alright? Hold on, let me take a drink of squash, hold on. I've got a lube up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before you go in. Two issues here. Okay, this is two issues. So, I mean, I'm like the stay at home parent for both my kids, right? I'm looking after them all the time. I'm taking them to school and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's, most of the people in the playgrounds are very normal people. They're not, they have normal jobs, normal lives and all this kind of stuff. And they don't understand what I do for a living at all. At all. Like it's a complete mystery to them because obviously they're like my age. I shouldn't be doing this at my age. I should be an accountant or some shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. I should be like that, but instead I'm doing this kind of shit. And they don't get it. And it kind of, that kind of rumour...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts to spread around the playground from one parent to another about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do, because they obviously, they see a man at school every day dropping his kids off picking them up and they think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, is he like a single parent or whatever? My wife does take him to school occasionally and that's obviously put that lie to bed, but they ju- they must wonder, because genuinely speaking, there are hardly any-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's bad enough, but I don't care. Occasionally they ask these weird questions about it. And I, you know, I indulge them at everything. And then the other day I'm dropping my kid off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the teacher pulls me aside and she says, uh, so I've been talking to your daughter and she said that you play video games all the time. And I said, yeah, I do. And she basically was questioning whether I was looking after them. How could I play video games and look after my kids at the same time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, well, I mean, when they're at school and stuff, I do. And she was looking, obviously looking at me thinking, what a waste of space this guy is, that he's just sitting around the house playing video games all day and everything. And she, she called it playing PlayStation. Like that was like her limit of understanding about video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, and I said, well, I mean, it's kind of what I do for a living. It's like what I do. She was like, really? Like she, she was baffled by it. So now the problem is that every single time I go into school, she makes some comment, how's the PlayStation going? Like that. I know exactly what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she's very, very sweet and she's a very, very good teacher and she's extremely good and I really like her a lot. But it's just funny because to her it's like this big jokey, hehehe, he plays video games kind of thing. And when she says it, all the other parents look at me and they're thinking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck is this waster space? He's just playing PlayStation all fucking day. I mean, I've got work and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she has, you know. Yeah, no, she is. But now, now the real problem comes in. Because she said to me, they told me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What your name is online, like I heard that you were, you were like on the internet and stuff like that, and they told me your name, but I can't remember it, but I'm gonna find it out again and I'm gonna look you up. And I said, for the love of God, please do not do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay as far away from the stuff I make as possible, I do not want that. And my kid's primary school teacher, those two worlds must never collide, alright? Never collide, because listen to this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I don't, I mean, I don't want them to listen, I don't want a teacher at my kids school listening to this podcast, and then I have to do parent-teacher night. And they'll be looking at me and thinking, this piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird because sometimes my friends will tell me that they've like, oh, I saw you streaming the other day. And they'll just have tuned in because they're so fascinated and curious about what we do. And they're just like, yeah, I heard your podcast the other day. Yeah, it was really funny. Or they'll say, yeah, I heard your podcast the other day. And I'll be like, oh, what'd you think? And they'll be like, good for you, man. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. They'll say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the thing that a lot of people of our age use Facebook for is just posting pictures of their kids and stuff. But I know people who use Facebook like, all the time. Like that's, they're just on it all the fucking time and they're talking to their friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember all this stuff, like you remember things that they did or what they were like at school and that's your enduring...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] memory of them. But when I think of, like, when, if you meet them now, they're like completely different people. Like I've met people who had a really bad time at school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy killed himself at school, like while we were at school. Yeah, it was pretty, pretty dark. But other than that, I think from my year, there were a few kids that I assume must have done because no one's heard of them in years, but they could have just sort of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disappeared. I now see when I just checked at the teachers at my school now, and this is a few of them are children of teachers who were at the school at the time, and were students at the school at the time, are now teaching at that school, which is quite cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to lighten it, there's a teacher at my old school now whose name is Cornelius Swanky. He came back from the grave. That is a hell of a name. Cornelius Swanky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a thing called Rape My Teachers. Caprigorbelchuk. That's the name. Caprigorbelchuk. What are you saying? Stop jebbering! These are names!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three of the teachers there, three of these teachers there were kids at my school when I was there and now they're teachers there. Mr. Marshiboo. These aren't real names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Varu, you better come up here, said Bodega, clicking the intercom off. He sat stiffly in his seat on the bridge of the Disco Volante, drumming his fingers on the chrome tabletop at the captain's station. A door hissed open and Varu stooped to enter, his metallic hands clasping the doorjam. Are we nearly there? asked the droid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said Bodega, indicating the viewport. There it is. Tartania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few hours later Bodega and Varu exited the Disco Volante and strolled down the ramp into the spaceport. The bitter wind tore into them and lashing rain stung their faces, but the overwhelming stench of deep-fried food was the real acclimatizer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My lord, said Bodega, retching, stay strong, said Varu, casping Bodega's up before him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, stay strong, said Varu, casting Bodega's forearm. Varu's voice chip unit had been replaced by Bodega some weeks before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What didn't help was that he was wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, but a coat was a death sentence on Tartania, and with these wins a hat was impossible. Bodega turned to one of the station hands milling about, drinking a can of spatial brew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or eat, he said. The most friendly and formal greeting possible on this world. Or eat pal, what's going on, said the man. Looking for a friend of mine. Name a big rab, said Bodega. I will fucking eat these after someone. I didn't even care about a big rab. Now get to fuck, said the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His ginger hair and beard frozen solid with ice. Bodega realized he had no idea where Big Rabby was, and that nobody on Tartania would ever help. Their culture forbade friendliness of any kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After meandering around the major cities of Glezgay and then Edinburgh for a few days Bodega and Varu were exhausted They'd been in countless fights and had the injuries to show for it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barry's left arm hung loosely at his side after a pack of wild neds had cornered him and Bodega and beaten them senseless. The fighting skills of the Tartanians were undisputably the best in the galaxy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when combined with their daily ration of 15 cans of spatial brew, they also became irascible. Every cab driver, shop worker, and elderly person they'd spoken to had responded with violence, and the two interlopers were so cold they could barely think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega, it's hopeless, said Varu. There's one place we haven't tried yet, Parge, said Bodega, wearily. No, please, Varu begs you, said Varu, looking as anxious as a faceless droid could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to the meanest, roughest place in the sector. We're going Dune the pub, said Bodega. Squinting up and taking one last look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cult star of Titania, which itself almost seemed to be scowling at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only one left in Tartania thanks to the world's shattered economy and tendency towards violence. All the others have been burnt to the ground or shut down thanks to the death at 23 due to heart disease of all but a handful of Tartanians, making them unsustainable as businesses. But one had persisted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Run by the fearsome Mad Donald. So terrifying a combatant was he that even the people of Tartania didn't mess with Mad Donald. The pub was the one place a man like Big Rab could hide out indefinitely from any lawman or assassin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega was neither, but he was something worse in the eyes of the Tartanians, a southerner. There was no south in Tartania. The poles of the planet were aligned in such a way that only north existed. Taking a cab into the centre of Glezgay, Bodega and Varu approached the pub with intense trepidation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be ready to run, hissed Bodega, shivering so badly he felt he might dislocate something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The door to the pub was almost off its hinges, and every window was boarded up. As they entered, the entire place went as quiet as death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seated on small stools were the biggest, ugliest, meanest collection of pure scum imaginable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No inch of flesh went untattooed, no face held a morsel of kindness, blood stained the carpet, and teeth were strewn about like party favors. Bodega steeled himself and approached the bar, flapping down his money and making sure to use coins instead of fancy banknotes, which would be seen as an attempt to show off wealth. Orry! Two spatial brews, pal! said Bodega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So behind the bar was Mad Don himself. He stared into Bodega's soul for what felt like weeks, but was in fact just 15 minutes. Bodega knew not to move, not to break into a sweat or blink. He must maintain eye contact with Mad Don and show no fear. Mad Don finally moved, slowly pouring the drinks and taking the money, baring his teeth as he did so. Bodega was now stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A figure approached Bodega, a man so large and heavily bearded, so ginger, the Bodega at first mistook him for a hairy boulder rolling their way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's going on, said Rab. Bodegar explained the plan and Rab smiled. We're sort of like the anti-police, he asked. Kinda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He assumed Rab was trying to use the alcohol to preserve his body for medical science. After just a handful of bloody skirmishes, they returned to the disco volante.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, he'll be fine, said Rab, swaying slightly. Noo! Let's get the fuck outta here!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega had never been so glad to leave a planet in his life. They had done it. They had survived a trip to Tartania. And they now knew never ever ever to return. The end. Oh my god. That was glory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, sometimes people reach out and they're like, oh, I needed to do this, and some guy will reply and be like, oh yeaah, I just wrote this on the fly for you, uh, just try this out, see if it works. Like, what? I wish I had that! That would have been great!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. It gets one of these shows that gets actually better with age as well and actually the seasons get better as it goes along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freezing my balls off in church, right? No, totally. I think in Italy though, I don't, I don't think I 100% agree with like what P Flex said, right? I think that having an extremely grandiose church reinforces that power of God. It's like that He's almighty. He's, it can't be wrong. Like we've got, we're so powerful. We're so rich. He is just a really elaborate showing of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, oh, I was supposed to, yeah. We always used to buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically two months of, and they're playing like Christmas music as well, it's like, it's like two months of the year is now Christmas. Which I guess, I like Christmas, don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, I think it's a really, it's that whole thing, that Danish word, huger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a big word now. It means like comfort and coziness. Um, and it's, and I, I really feel that whole vibe, you know, come, come January, like, you know, it's just cold and miserable and wet and freezing and shitty. I'm like, oh fuck, I don't feel any kind of coziness at all. But you know, the whole way through Christmas, I'm just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm full on just, I love it. I love it to bits. So actually, do you know what? I'm not, I'm, I'm going to say, yeah, it is a bit early, but I actually, I don't really mind. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I know your son is like, Halloween could, you know, forget Christmas, if you just had a long Halloween, he'd be delighted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Exactly. That's, that's the little paranoia in the back of her mind. But yes, in the same way you have your dad's responsibilities, like going back to the lit firework and you know, joining, joining up when the war starts. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the great things, one of my favorite stories about, uh, World War I is, um, Ernest Shackleton, when he went off to explore the South Pole. And he, he went, he, this was after Scott's expedition, after Armudson had conquered the South Pole before Scott and Scott had died on the way back with his expedition and he was this, this real


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] National hero, a real solid symbol of Englishness and Britishness to, to, you know, challenge everything and die against, you know, in a sort of epic way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Shackleton kind of never really got the prestige as much as Scott, even though he tried to do things like cross the whole pole and do all sorts of expeditions, but he was fraught with bad luck usually, Shackleton. Uhm, anyway, he was, he basically went off in 1914.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and well no, actually he said, hey, can we instead go? So he petitioned the Admiralty to say, hey, can we, can we be part of it? And he received, um, a one word telegram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stopped at Bounos Aries in South Georgia, and it was a long trip, and anyway, they went the whole way round. Bounos Aries!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So obviously he got stuck on an ice shelf, right, and their ships, they had to take their lifeboat off, and they stayed on their lifeboat for a while. They ate seals for like a year, and walruses and stuff. It was horrible. They fucking fought with penguins and slapped them around, I don't know, kicked them around as fucking footballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, they entertain themselves however men stuck on an ice shelf in the middle of fucking nowhere do in the freezing cold for the best part of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyway, so, their boat sank, and they took this tiny lifeboat, and they rode it, like, 1300 kilometers, uhm, to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So after, to South Georgia, which is also in the middle of fucking nowhere, by the way, no one lived on South Georgia and they didn't even know if anyone would be there. And so they finally reached this, um, whaling station in 1916. Okay. After literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the island to get to this fucking whaling station. And uh, they were, they were absolutely wrecked and the people, and so I think they, they saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so the three of them made it there and they all looked like in absolute shit shape and so they came up to this wave station and these little kids saw them and ran off immediately and then another man saw them and ran off immediately because they thought


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They thought they were like the devil or some monster had come out of the sea. And so they finally met this man who was absolutely terrified of them. And you know, he said, he said, who are you? Where have you come from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've come over the island? Like what, what the fuck? This is crazy. No one's ever come over the island before. Who are you? Anyway, he eventually said, said who I am. I'm Shackleton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, got a picture at a newspaper clipping or something and proved who he was. And the first question he actually asked was, you know, tell me when was the war over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the man, the man in the whaling station looked at him, you know, wide-eyed and said, the war is not over. Millions are being killed. Europe is mad. The world is mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like one of the great things about Game of Thrones back in the day was that anybody could die. And it was, you know, that the classic death of, of Rob is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give a shit. Now I don't really give a shit because I know certain characters are immune to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like, I like how it's all very much based on all of the War of the Roses, like, you know, the real history of, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, all these, all the, all the infighting across Europe and all the politics and, and man, it was, there was some really amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real life stories that actually fucking happened. And if you're interested in that, then I'm not gonna suggest you anything in particular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously that supports us greatly. Thank you for all your love and support. There were a couple of people at BlizzCon that told me, uh, that they have small dicks. I have a small dick. That was surprising.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, that was, that was a joy, uh, actually. But, I, I, my kind of reply to them was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that might be because people don't look at other people's names in games, though. Until maybe, I mean, if it's like play of the game by Sips, then you realise, oh my god, Sips was in this game? Yea, true. I guess that never happens though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, hearing him do like speak a bit more is also great. He doesn't talk much. Loved it. Was transfixed the whole time. That was, I think you've outdone yourself actually. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, we're gonna, we're gonna go. Thanks for listening to the Travels Podcast this week, everybody. Thank you. We'll be back next week. Yeah. All things being equal. And, um, yeah. Don't forget to buy a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we haven't asked for it in like 20x episodes, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pepper, don't be fooled, he's a legitimate doctor as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, are you the type of person who collects a lot of paraphernalia and puts it up on a shelf and stuff in your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notable people from, uh, wherever it is you're from, ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhh. Nerds. Always the nerds. It's always those nerds. Every time. Yeah. Just as a heads up, you know, don't, don't get mad if there isn't a trifles podcast for a while guys. Cause you know, this is like, we're not going to give you any warning if there's not going to be one. So, so don't get off my ass and be about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are on my ass about it sometimes. I don't really mind. It's good to have. I don't actually mind. When people say these things, I'm actually quite cool with it because it means we've got this passionate, like lovely fan base. You know, where people only complain when they care, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See my laugh is a bit like, like smokery, like my lungs are a little bit full of fluid, I think. I think I have what you have, Zitz, but I'm suffering different like, symptoms to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably better fucking fruit out of the fruit machines than in the fucking restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have such a big problem with like the physical nature of actually taking money out, going to a casino and actually putting it on the table and being aware of how much you're losing. I have a bigger problem with like the online side of gambling, which can be very illusory of how much you can get sucked into. And also like some of these, I know some of these other things, other like some certainly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, he was, oh my god, he was found dead at the MGM Grand. A casino. He died in a casino, P-flags, and you were just saying that you were fucking depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a really interesting video about that, but I don't think it's heroin that's the one that actually can, you get physically dependent on, I don't think, cause didn't they do that? I watched this, um, Kirst Gzakt, you know, in a nutshell video about drug dependency on YouTube, which is really good, you should check it out. But basically it talks about how soldiers coming back from Vietnam who'd been taking a lot of drugs, I think one of them was heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And then, and then if someone told you that they would do inheritance, you'd want to distance yourself from them and that's, that makes them worse in a sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, oh my god, it's so weird how like this, this conversation, this conversation today link up, but I was talking about this yesterday. We were in Stockholm, and uhm, went out, had a day, wandering around town, and I'm, got stopped by uhm, a yoghurt in the street, who had some acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like read, have you heard this story? Cause that's pretty much, pretty much what happened. Did you take the acid, Lulu? No, I didn't take any. I was offered a tab of that. This guy basically was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we walk past a pub, and uhm, there was a guy and a girl, and the girl clocked me, but we carried on walking. And then, like a minute later, you know, the boyfriend had run down the street to like say, oh my girlfriend's a big fan, come and have a drink with us. So I was like, oh geez, alright, fine. So we went and had a drink with these guys. But this guy was absolutely like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, he moved it off of like, to shake my hand, and I was like, okay, but then he like, tried to give me a tab of acid. And then he was like, do you want, you don't want acid? I've got cocaine, MDMA and ecstasy. He was literally like, a full, he had a big bag of drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it, what's the sort of chilli, chilli crack or whatever? Chilli crack! Nice, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That said, I've had like, uh, conventions, I think I've eaten a few things that fans have baked for me. I've eaten, I've given a try, some of them have been very nice, like some fairy cakes, some little cookies, some little brownies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people are nuts. Oh, it's just, try and get a raise. It's just, everything's more extreme than the next, isn't it? You know, it's just about, about topping the next, the last guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, while I was in Stockholm, right? Is this pre or post acid trip? This was post acid trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe it's linked, actually. I went to my, um, bedroom to retire for the evening and put Spotify on, and I noticed there was a Eurovision


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, cause it was all just Swedish gibberish with people singing in European gibberish, but it was so wonderfully gay and flamboyant and like being on an acid trip, honestly, some of the things, some of the acts were just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like, I like Eurovision. Okay. I've always watched it. I remember back in the day, like five years ago when me and Simon lived together, we sat down and watched Eurovision. It was one of the funniest nights of my life because Simon was just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just, it was, it was obviously just one of those moments where Simon was just being Simon and he was just so funny. We just had the best night of our lives. And ever since I've really kind of had this soft spot for Eurovision, I've used to, I used to try and watch it with Simon, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, you know what happens, people drift away from each other, it's a bit sad, but uhm, I loved watching Eurovision, I loved, I love, I always question like, why like some people put forward the acts they do, like I'm like, you can't possibly think you're gonna win


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eurovision with this bizarre theatrical performance of like, you know, a woman painted white and doing like, writing like, you know.


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[Assistant] Skeleton on my chalkboard. It was, it was, it was just bananas and I loved it. I, I, I think that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care about UK winning. I don't support the UK. That's not why I watch it. I don't watch it for some sort of patriotic fucking, you know, bullshit reason. Like, oh, come on England, yeah, do it for old blighty. I don't give a shit about that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is like a kind of group insanity, isn't it? Like a kind of, like, madness, like, Jesus Christ, oh no, I love Eurovision, and uhm, yeah, I dunno, I dunno whether it's, I dunno, there's a nice little thing, I mean, last year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the Ukraine won it after the Russian sort of invasion or whatever. This year I think Russians were banned from entering because the woman


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think everyone was like scared that we'd, you know, that everyone would be angry with us in Europe. But actually, people don't give a shit. Everyone's pretty chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen up, I met some of the Paradox devs at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, at paradoxcon and said some of these things to them and they were, they were very crushed to hear anything that I criticised. They were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so happy that it works at all, because I think it took so long to even get it running, that what we think is shit, they think is just, thank god it works. And so they're so happy with it at the moment, that they're never going to improve it. I mean, I don't think it's shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, so I mean, I, I dunno, I, I feel like we just sometimes don't realise. Then again, I have been playing the Kaiserreich mod. What did you think? Oh, right, I haven't tried that yet. Which is the alternative. World War I was won by the Germans instead. And, you know, it sort of puts you in, throws you at the deep end in 19...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first thing I struggled with was the political landscape, because they have nothing similar. It's all syndicalists, autocrats, and I'm not really sure what any of those things are. I'm not a political philosopher, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, I've got a few comments on this. First one is that I wonder how many


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodegas, and also things that you or I am exposed to in real life that I don't recognise, because I recognise that this is a rap, almost word for word plagiarism, well it's not word for word obviously, but of the anime One Piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it's like a pirate anime, whereas there's a kid who eats a rubber fruit and wants to be the pirate king, right? So obviously this child in this school has watched this anime. Now you two haven't any idea about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone got a bit of help here. I'm just smelling the rat. You're smelling the rat. Just some of the things that were going on in that are a little bit too suspicious. The Hispanic man helped show Bodega the parts he needed, and he bought the whole store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, the best way to sponsor the Profos podcast is to buy a t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean if I'm gonna be, if I'm gonna be a convict, I'm gonna be a convict for something cool and not for running a portage away from banks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I actually killed people, and then they'd be like, oh, I don't wanna fuck you now. Like, that's- that's how prison works, in my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this is an interesting topic because, you know, they always talk about prisons and reform and stuff like that and, you know, people go into prison and the idea is that you spend a lot of time in prison and you contemplate the bad things that you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You become a better person, and then you come out of prison, and then you can just start living life again. But the reality is, is like, if you go to prison, you are basically fucked for the rest of your life. Nobody wants to fucking touch you with the barge pole after you come out of prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody trusts you, regardless of how reformed you think you are or actually are. Nobody's gonna give you a job. Like, if I ran a business where I actually hired people, and I found out somebody was in prison, fuck you, you're not getting hired. Like, I don't want, I don't want, it doesn't even matter what you did, you just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not contagious. Well how do other people get it then? Like where does it come from and where does it go? And- Prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I submit this to you. I'm sure the guy was probably pretty nice and helpful moving and stuff like that. But the thing is, I think like, human nature, like, once you've popped your crime cherry, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the things that they're doing and go with the flow in a lot of cases and stuff, you know, like the last thing you want to do in prison, I think, is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isolate yourself from everybody, because then you're more likely to be like, you know, raped and what not, like by other inmates and stuff like that. Like there's a lot of shit that goes on in jail that you have to sort of like, you know, be on top of, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not gonna, you don't wanna go into, into jail and be a revolutionary because, A,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody's gonna get behind that. Like all those guys in there just are doing their own shit and stuff. Like they don't want you to get up and do some really like tearful speech and like overthrow the warden and stuff like that. Nobody's in there to do that. Like they're all in there to like trade smokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, kick each other's butts a little bit in the showers and stuff. Do their, their time and then get out and then, you know, live like a normal life. But again, I think that, I think any normal life after prison is like, is, is hampered. Like, like in the states, like you can't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you can vote anymore after you've been in, in, in prison. There's like a lot of things you can't do. There's a lot of like things that they do to keep track of you and stuff like that. Like I think, I think it just becomes a lot more difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, life's hard enough already, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got jail time under your belt, like life is like a hundred times fucking harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Immigration slips and everything when you go to other countries. Always ask if you're an ex-con. Like, it's, it's, you know, they, they want to know this about you because I think, I think people generally just don't trust people who've been to jail. And rightly so, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the dinner and shit like that. And uhm, high voltage by electric 6 came on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I would love to see women strip to this song. I would have this song, I would do like a choreographed strip with all of my girls in the strip club, and they would strip to this song, and it would be really good. I think it's like- Would you show them how to do it as well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choreographers or something in to like do a little jig for them and stuff, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even a shower thought, it was more of like a cooking thought. It was weird too, like my family was just in the other room and there I was thinking of my strip club, so that doesn't even exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you meant the stripper, I was like, no, I'm not, that's not this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't for a bouncer. Geez, you just need somebody who's gonna hit the gym for 12 hours a day and is ripped to fuck and is ready to like just intimidate people. You know, like all he's got to be able to do is like occasionally shove drunk people out of the way. Like it's- Crack some fucking heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis, uh, you gotta, you need to educate yourself motherfuckers. Like that, that is, that's poor coming from you. Like read about the, the hierarchy of the mafia before the next episode and we'll quiz you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The restaurants in Goodfellas, where they always go. On the Sopranos, like the front one, yea. The strip club. What was that one called again? Oh god. I can't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person in there knows nobody wants to go into that store because it's too fucking weird. And like, there's nothing in there to buy really that's of any interest, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what they do is they sit in there and then they just like ring up sales through the cash register and that's how they launder money. That's what they do. They just like all day long ring up like fake sales.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like occasionally they order in some stock, but like barely ever, but yeah, like they must just be in there laundering money because like you never see anyone go into those places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Consider this, okay? You're an undercover cop and you, you, you're led to a sex shop where the guy that you need to do an undercover arrest on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely in there, okay? An undercover arrest? Yes, you're doing an undercover arrest of a guy in a sex shop, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're an undercover cop, and you have to like, walk into the sex shop, okay? Your name can be, I don't know, like Burt Reynolds. Kaminsky. Kaminsky. There you go. McGarnical. Your name is, your name is Kaminsky, and you're going to do this bust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to walk into the sex shop to do it, right? So, and it's on a really busy high street, and there's like women and children all over the place, like, you know, doing stuff like that, and there you are, walking into the sex shop, right? There's two cops, McGonigal and Kaminsky stood outside the sex shop in their trench coats. No, no, there's only one, it's just you, it's just you by yourself, you don't have any backup. There's people walking by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have to do, you have to enter the sex shop, which...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, you know, some bogus information. You're like, ah fuck, now I gotta walk out of this sex shop. But I suppose the thing is, if you're walking out of a sex shop and you don't have a bag,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen here, you little child. I went into a sex shop once when I was in Amsterdam, cause there's a lot of them. And it's, it's more, it's less frowned upon there, right? Because that, like, the red light district is the red light district. You just gotta go see it. It's fine, yea, you just go in and you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was like, when we were kids, that was the big thing that you had to do. You had to go into the store and buy, like, uh, try to buy, uh, like, uh, a Playboy or something like that. Yeah. Like, everybody got dared to do it. Everyone had to do it. Everybody had to, like, suffer, like, the humiliation of the guy saying, you're only 10 years old!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like, in school. I mean, I grew up in Canada, so we had like a cache in the woods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss, I miss being a kid like, being, not like a little kid, but I miss being like about 11 or 12 years old, cause like, man we just didn't give a shit, like fucking dumb shit that we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking pictures of like their dicks and stuff and sending them to like their girlfriends and shit like that. That's what Snapchat is so popular isn't it? That was not a thing like when I went to school like it was just nobody was coming to school with a polaroid like of their dick to give to their girlfriend or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes, this is really doing it for me. I mean, I can't imagine when I was younger ever even being remotely interested in taking a picture of my dick or my balls or my tits or my asshole or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm not gonna lie, like, I would probably have been like, great, I now have, I now have in my possession a Polaroid of a woman's tits, great, this is nice, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's Canadian though. I think she was actually, I think she was born in Canada. Yea. Let's have a look. Pamela Anderson. She was born in Alberta or something. You're fucking right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where they carve them into beauties. Yeah, it's weird, like over here in the UK, uh, I guess like Abby Titmuss had like a weird sex tape as well. Who else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Game of Thrones, I think it was. Uhm, I think she was like a German actress, but I think, I think she'd done like a bunch of porns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, sure, I'll give you a call in a couple of weeks when I'm settled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you never move. You know what you need to do? You need to buy a place so that you don't have to ever move again. And you buy a nice place and you put it just right and there's no problems. I mean, there'll be a couple of little bits and pieces, but like, like for instance,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were cooking dinner the other night. I was doing my, uh, no, I wasn't. Oh, here we go. This is a segue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were using the oven, okay? We were cooking up, the kids wanted to have some oven chips, okay? So, we put some oven chips into the oven, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like early, it was like early too, it was like 5 o'clock. We were like, fuck, this is great. Like, they'll be done, like half an hour, the kids can eat and then we'll put them to bed early. And then maybe for once, like actually have an hour in the evening to like, not do kid related stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, well, maybe. Anyway, so, so the chips are in the oven, right? And then we were just like playing with the kids and stuff, and I looked at my watch, it's like, fuck, it's six o'clock, like I can't even smell the chips. I go to the oven, and like the oven's on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, the light's on and you can hear the fan, it's in an electric oven. But like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to get a guy, well I could have done it myself, but I'm lazy, so a guy came out and fucking replaced the element. Like, the typical fucking ass crack showing, you know, leaning into the oven, replacing the element, luckily he had the right element, like, he had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's just little shit like that that you can just about handle, but not big shit like no internet or like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fuckin' damp wall where a headboard used to be and stuff like that. You don't get shit like that in your own place, cause you put it like the way that you want it, right? And then you never move, ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that was kind of it. Like, if you're hungry and you want to put your kids to bed early, just get an oven tray and put a whole bunch of frozen oven chips on that. Motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 200 degrees, uh, your oven and then BAM. You're good. 200 degrees? That's very hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm gonna take off my headset for this intro. It's gonna be a running intro. Alright, you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mum was up for the last week, because she, uh, she loves my girls, she loves them. And she's on her own, obviously, so she kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She comes up, uh, as often as she can to, to look after the girls. So I, I kind of had a dad weekend that I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Able to pretty much do what I want. I did a few things with my mom and the kids, but generally she'd take them out and do stuff with them. So I was able to, you know, we did like some recording this week and stuff like that. And uhm, so I was able to do stuff, uhm, which was nice. That was pretty much why she, that was her excuse. Oh, this way you'll be able to work and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was able to do not really too much dad stuff, I was doing more sort of P-flag stuff than dad stuff, but uhm, it was funny because I was talking to my mum, this is when I drove her to the station just now, she was telling me about like, uhm, when we first moved over here, obviously I was very young, I was like 8 or 9.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mum, which is a little awkward, I guess, but uhm, you know, money's money. Uhm, but the main thing that she was telling me was that I didn't know or had forgotten was that she had spent some time looking after some old people in the area. Sort of a, sort of a, not a nurse so much as just a helper, if you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost certainly gone. Uhm, but she, she had like, she, you know, these old ladies, uhm, obviously, it's generally old ladies left on their own, because the men die younger, right? So these old ladies keep plowing on into their late 80s and 90s and stuff somehow. A lot of them have really, really, really interesting lives. Like, really interesting lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just think it's such a shame that they don't have any people to really talk to and their stories are kind of lost, you know? Their entire life history boils down to them for the last five or ten years of their life just in a flat being alone. And I think it's really sad because my mum was telling me one of these ladies


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she'd had a really interesting life. She'd, like, a couple of her husbands had been, like, really wealthy or some, you know, some crazy fucking job that they had. One of them was, like, this governor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1920s. 1920s, so she was there for that and her husband had all these polo trophies. He used to play a lot of polo, she was obviously quite posh. But one time they were walking, uhm, they were going out for dinner and they had to go down through a fairly sort of dodgy area. Not dodgy in terms of the people, but dodgy in terms of, it's literally like the jungle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's like, it's a really good question. There's a friggin' tiger and I'm like damn, now this old lady's living in this granny flat with like a hundred other grannies all in tiny little flats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she lived in India, and she's like seen lions and shit. So, I just think it's a shame. I don't know, uh, if their stories, and yeah, their stories about stuff. I mean, the 1920s in India, think how much she could tell you about what that was like. Not just the stuff you could see on Path A news. It's like really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you'd have, I mean I know uhm, people who've had to build like a granny annex, right, on the back of their house, which is like the flat bit, so you can come in the front door and go straight, there's like, they have to build a bathroom down there with a shower, they have like the granny annex out the back for the old biddy to go into, they don't have like a wheelchair ramp in the house, and I've seen,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause a relative of, uhm, of ours, uhm, the dad had a stroke, like a really bad stroke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll move heaven and earth so that you can live in an annex at the back of a house. I'd say, do you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Save the money, I'll stay in a home which is purpose built and has other people of my age that I can hang out with. And here's the other thing you don't probably know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are doing what a lot of people do and assuming that the way they think now is the way they're going to think later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like you're saying, oh, I won't want that. But I mean, when I was 17 years old, I was like, I ain't never having no kids. And now I've got kids and I would never have changed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, back in the day, jeez, when I'm 40 or 50, I'm not gonna wanna have sex, I'm gonna look like some horrible bald old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're surrounded by old people all the time so maybe your appreciation for what beauty is can change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see. Tell you what, what's the date? What is the year? It's 2017, alright? So in 50 years time, Sips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, you're part of it. When we get too old, we kill Lewis and then ourselves. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so wait, wait, wait, so just listen, okay? If the Earth's about to get destroyed, like, like, let's say the moon is gonna smash into the Earth, just imagine that, or some giant asteroid, it's gonna be unbelievable, the whole planet's gonna blow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you kill yourself, you miss, quite frankly, the once in a lifetime chance to see the planet get destroyed by the fucking moon. Like I'd wanna see that. The last moments of my life will be the most unbelievable in human history. You're gonna miss it cause you're gonna be a coward and shoot yourself. I don't wanna see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but like- That's all they've got hung in old folks' homes. The art is just semen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go and look at a painting, especially a famous painting in the flesh, it's a lot more impressive than when you see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually kind of think there is a natural talent to it. Like I know people who are, like if you look at someone like Caravaggio, you couldn't just say, oh yea, he practiced really hard. Cause there's a lot of artists out there who have done painting their whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. That's the skill. That's the practice and the skill. But I think if you look at a great artist, it's not just, wow, that's a technically great drawing. It's like, it has to be, cause it's also a window into how they see the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when it comes to planning, I plan very, very little, as you may have noticed. So what happens is, like, you'll message me and say, we're gonna do some CK2 next week, and I'll be like, cool. And Mrs. F will say, I was thinking we'd go here on holiday this year, and I found a hotel, and I found a bunch of stuff to do, and I've read a bunch of reviews about it, and I've done this, that, and the other, and I'll be like, cool. Like, I don't mind having shit planned,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is good because I don't give a shit either way, uh, so I'm happy to let her do the planning. So it works for me. I don't actually do any planning, but I have a lot of stuff planned. It's just that I didn't plan it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I really want to go there because they have those girlfriend cafes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so my friend went there, uh, my friend was teaching English over there, uhm, uh, for about a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some of my other buddies went out there to sort of hang out with them and spend some time and sort of, you know, to just say hi. And they had a friend living in Japan, which is a first for us, so they wanted to go and see what it was like. And they have these cafes where you can basically, it's not like a porn thing, right? It's like a company thing. So you hang out and you've got like this sweet


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're a little on the chubby side, which is my thing anyway, right? So I'd be like, you get a nice little sweet chubby Japanese girlfriend for now? That'd be fucking awesome. And I could like really imagine, here I am with my hot, slightly chubby young Japanese girlfriend. That'd be amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, I just like, I don't like girls that are like sticks, you know what I mean? Like if you can see ribs, that doesn't do it for me at all. Like I hate all that shit. I don't like skinny girls. No offense to skinny girls, I like you as people, just saying when it comes to, you know, then the skinny girls is not my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there are some old people, like, they dressed the way they did when they were 30. It's just that the fashion looks like it is for old people, because they, that's the way, if you went back to 1930, you'd say, geez, everyone's dressed like an old person. So when we're old, they're gonna be sitting around wearing jeans and t-shirts and hoodies just like Lewis is saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll all be in the Matrix. We'll have robots to do everything for us. You'll be able to live in your house. A robot will carry you up the stairs. That's a, a big market is gonna be robots for old folks. I saw that movie, what was it called? The one with the old lad who gets a robot. It's called, the old man who got a robot, I think is what it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, I speak to, when you speak to some grown ass women, right? I'm not talking about no girls, I'm talking about grown ass women. About what it was like when they were younger. They, like, you have this impression, I did when I was a young man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're just like super awesome and, and, and, and shit. And then you find out the fucking crazy shit they did, and the stuff they did at sleepovers and shit like that, and you're like, holy shit, those girls were nasty!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they do. And they practice kissing on each other and shit. I'm not kidding. No, they fucking don't. They fucking do. Oh, come on. Girls, girls out there, you tell me, and this is true, I guarantee you, because I know girls that did it, you practice French kissing with a friend of yours. Don't tell me you didn't. I know you will. I never fucking did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, teenage boys are way more uptight about that kind of stuff. So I still remember the year when we all finally admitted that yes, we did masturbate. And we were, it was like the lowest sixth form, so like the first year of A-levels before we finally admitted that it was a thing. Like prior to that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, why do you have a couple of toilet rolls? By your- Actually, I think I can think of a reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are many small, bald little boys running around today. Yeah. Who knows, across the, across the country and across, I guess, your living room and bedroom floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like with happy smiles on their faces, going into people's windows, where there's a lady maybe enjoying herself too. And he flies down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think of like, yea, little, sometimes Disney films happen in my head. Nice. You know, just think, it could be a story about a little, a little, a little parachute, a little adventurer, a little soldier, a little explorer of period flax, right? Who's, who's, who's gone into a strange jungle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A vagina. I'm thinking of a microscopic world, you know, like ants. Just a weird jungle. Only like, instead of like big tall trees, it's like pubes that are like really big and tall and he's having to like machete his way through them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the same time, they always have this dark, like, stark darkness behind their eyes, as if doing children's entertainment has sucked their soul out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go up the mirror and they snort like a line of cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I feel. But that's always the way it is with doctors. I think medical school is always work hard, play hard. That was their sort of attitude from the start. You know, they did more work than anyone and partied harder than anyone. They were just making the most. They were living, they were burning the candle at both ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a, such a, such a cliche. It is. No, but I think these, these children's presents, I have a lot of respect for them, honestly. Uhm, but I can see, like, the creepiness happening. Like, there's that, there's that, there's that spate of YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this whole lot of like, pregnant Elsa fucking Spider-Man or, or there was like a Disney, I think there was a like Minnie Mouse pissing on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spider-Man YouTube video, but it wasn't like, it was for kids. It wasn't called that, it was like called like, you know, mini-gifts, Spider-Man, a shower, a surprise, like stuff like this, like, oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen this shit on YouTube? It's, it's like, it's for, for, for like, it's for kids and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for example, this one I'm just looking at is like, Mickey Mouse Baby's pee on the Minnie Mouse bathtub family finger song nursery rhymes number two. It's like, do you know what I think it is, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people have said, oh, it's like search terms. So if you don't know about this, it's basically this spate of weird, weird shit on YouTube. It's been going on for ages. It's like kids oriented. And basically what kids do is, so many kids now, you see them, they are just on iPads and they're just browsing through YouTube videos. And it's part of the reason why a lot of these Minecraft channels are quite popular. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, okay. Yeah, so, so, so, like, this whole thing on YouTube is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just quantity, right? So they just pick these, these shit YouTube channels in, I don't know, Russia. It could be like this Russian troll farm. Oh, you know what? Fuck this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. No, I'm just sort of throwing that out there. No, I think it's just the way YouTube's shitty algorithm happens to work is that you end up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll mash them out on loads of different channels, we'll put loads of different keywords, and some of them will just stick. It's like sometimes that happens, like I remember Terps...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terps has got his South Park, original South Park playthrough right on YouTube and one of the episodes was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, a couple of grand out of each of those, you know, just through YouTube ads, like, while it sticks around and before it eventually gets, someone removes it. But, you know, it's tough to even tell, like, I think if YouTube were to check all these videos one by one,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they, they would never end up fucking, no one knows, right? First of all, anyone really watches what their kids are watching. First of all, it's probably like a lot of people just think it's innocent. Oh, it's just funny. Like, you know, where's the line as well? Like where's the line on this shit? You know, when like, when is it? Cause kids are talking about shit and pissing and stuff all the time, but you know, where's the line? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's that classic story about the Crystal Maze, like was it Ben who had a friend and the guys who were gonna be on the Crystal Maze or whatever? And so they went in for the interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they like, you know, completed a couple of challenges, they were okay. And they were like, no, you're too good, we can't have you on the show. That's it. Like literally that's it for The Apprentice. They literally are like, well we, okay, the top 50% of people, you're not on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The top 60% of people, you're too good. We want the bottom fucking scrapings of idiots. We want the scrubs. We want those guys who come in for an interview and they're fucking hopeless and you're like, yeah, you're a fucking idiot. You're not getting this job. You're the apprentice. Perfect. That's who we want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone likes to laugh at people worse than them. Everyone likes to see celebs without makeup. Everyone likes to see people fail. Everyone likes to see people high and mighty try their best and then fail because it makes them feel better about themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very quintessentially British, right? Like Bake Off and Strictly are very British shows, you know, I feel like they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A combination of, you know, people putting themselves on the line and kind of embarrassing themselves a little bit, a little bit like I'm a celebrity or like, you know, get me out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking celebrities out of their comfort zone and making them, kind of, putting them, putting them under pressure, but at the same time being quite, quite British and quite cosy, I guess, television with a little, a bit of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fake drama thrown in. It's like, oh, James is angry with Tim because Tim has borrowed his salt shaker and not returned it. But by the way, while they're arguing, Janine's soufflé has been in the oven for 30 seconds too long and she's not paying attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the same time, like, we all thought that this would happen, right, like 10 years ago. We all thought, oh, second life's a thing, you can just go into a school classroom there, you can just get your lecture notes from there, you can have, even a teacher can like broadcast himself from his or her bedroom, you know, and teach us streaming. You know, we thought that this would happen and it hasn't at all. Like, nothing has changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I'm sure like some elements of that must be happening, but like generally it feels like the majority of stuff is still done in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Jesus Christ. I had a few things to say but I've lost them along the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it feels like you don't often even need to kill the chosen though, like for me it was like, well why would I bother even doing this, I could just finish the game.