[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's uhm, it is awesome to see and I, I'm so thankful that the guy at the top is a guy like that, you know? Yes. Because the guy at the top could be, or woman at the top could be,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I experienced something similar, you know, a similar thing. And when disgraceful came out, it's not same scale, same level of fame, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, to me it feels a very, like a very similar thing, and you feel like the world hates you, and then the worst part was all the people who like, didn't watch it. And you're like, you're mad about something you didn't watch? They're like, no, but I read this thing. And you're like, yeah, comedy isn't digested that way, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pointing at you the hardest. You, you go, well, let's, let's dig through your life a little bit. See what you've done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today's episode is brought to you by Whoop, the personalized digital fitness and health coach. Check it out. If you're watching, you see it. I'm wearing it on my wrist. If you're listening, I'm telling you, I am so into my Whoop. You monitor your recovery, your sleep, your training, health with personalized recommendations and coaching feedback with Whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The all new 4.0 is smaller, smarter and designed with new biometric tracking including skin temperature, blood oxygen and more. The device also features an all new smart alarm designed to wake you up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by him. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. You're looking at one right here. I know I have to go all the way down. I have to go all the way down. Because once you've started thinning your hair, it can be too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I waited. I waited and you have the opportunity to not wait. And you shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, that motherfucker took the full impact on his head. He might have a different life right now. You know what I mean? Like, there's his pre-scooter ride life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw this clip a while ago. There's theories that, um, that she is in a guy's apartment and is exiting the easy way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clip in the new folder of the breathing, or is it in last week's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well so the debate, we should set that up, it's a good point, we just played the clip. The debate is whether or not the man is making the noise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As an ICU nurse of six and a half years, that wheezing is a hundred percent coming from that guy. As any says, the breathing gets louder when his mouth opens and no, you don't always see their chest moving while they wheeze. I'm fully on Christine's side on this one. Todd is talked and you're fucking blocked. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says I failed nursing school. So, it says Jesus Christine, it's so obvious the video of the guy licking the air isn't him breathing. You can't be that I talked. Todd is right. Nick Lawrence who's getting a free merch bag this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen Tim, you are fully talked. It's definitely his breathing, Team Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the audio in question is actually Garth's victims watching this old man as they slip away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom is correct about the breathing. Danny is spot on. He's laying next to his sleeping wife, making a talk to show off his cunnilingus prowess to the talkers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I can't believe she doesn't hear the second breather, Michael Carroll. Uhm, so it would seem that it is a debate, but you know what's funny though, is that you actually, when we watched it later, you actually said you switched your opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't know. Was that bad? No, I liked it. Okay. Uhm, there was something else, uhm, that came in that is- Don't call me that!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is an amazing one though. This one's gonna be, cause like, I'll say this. I'll listen to more people whose opinion is that he's breathing and I'll know. No, I like to know my enemies in life. I want to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just, you just let me know in your message and I'll fucking cut you out of my life. Alright. So I got this message, okay? Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Tom, hey Christine, long time listener, first time writer. So I just found out that my wife worked with a relative of Garth Brooks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The coworker is actually a first cousin of his wife Trish. So Trish recently came to visit family out here in eastern Long Island, New York. So once my wife heard the news, she asked her coworker to ask Trish, you know what a banana split is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once she asked Trish, she said, God damn it. What the hell is with that and the comments on Facebook and Twitter? My poor Garth even considered taking down his Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did. I know. I remember. I mean, I was not like a seasoned pro going like, you know, here's how you do it. I was like meticulously putting farts on her horns. Like garage band. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then her husband, Emilio, what, what key is that? What key is that 14 Tom? Is that the F? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, another thing that's kind of fun is that you mentioned that your type is Vincent Gallo. Love him. And, uh, I guess some digging was done and it turns out he provides escort services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my 14th birthday I went to see the film Rolling Thunder and had my biggest crush on the actress Linda Haynes. I wished and wished every day I could meet all these girls. I thought a lot of sexy things with Susan Blakely after seeing her in Lords of Flatbush. In my mind I could do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, for those who wish to enjoy my company for a weekend, the fees increased to a mere $100,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you set older redheads and even black chicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A weekend that will have them second guess. I am willing to travel worldwide with only clients. However, travel days are billed at 50,000 per plus premium flight fees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's expensive. It's expensive. I mean, especially, you know, if like you're black. So uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, do you wanna do the, this offer? Cause he also offers, um, his sperm. You can read this. This is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Price includes all costs related to one attempt at in virtual fertilization, a $50,000 value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. He is offering his sperm for one million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he actually writes in there, uh, if you have seen the brown bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. And then in parenthesis, eight inches if he's like his father. I don't know exactly how a well-hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's pretty clear about that. Like are you saying, do you want to be a podcast guest or like spend the night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't mention it. I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna, I kinda would like to see what he would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie, I'd be interested in being like, hey, what, like, what are your moves? Like, what do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, don't try to like, sell me on that one. Yeah, it's not a bad idea. I'm just saying, I am curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be like, I hate when people use like manipulative language. Why don't you just say, I think he's super hot. Why would you be like, I think there's something going on. Like just tell me that you find them attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna fly him fucking out to do, to do research for the show. You don't want to talk about the fact that you find Vincent Gallo attractive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably gonna make it more exciting. He's gonna, he's gonna register that fear by the way. This is not his first run around the block.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zero! But, I think he gives out some free beatings every now and then too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, that's probably, it probably happened once and he was like, I'm gonna put this on my website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says I can't. Does he say I can help you like make a few bucks for yourself at the end of that? What's the last sentence say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's kinda like you should hook me up with this, but I'll give you a little cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It actually feels like a step back in time. I feel like we're watching a guy in the 70s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's he, does he currently do stuff? I haven't even just kept up. Like go to his IMDB. I don't know what he's up to. Like is he up to, is he doing movies still? Cause wasn't he writing those


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. That's cool. He's a wild dude. I bet he's a wild dude to like hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just want some step-by-step instructions on how to get wild, the VG way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of your day with Vincent, I as think would be just spent going, What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's uhm, I love that I know that your type is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Uhm, do you guys see the, uh, us being similar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Mack Weldon. You're a busy guy, so stop thinking about what to wear and just embrace the radically efficient Mack Weldon daily wear system. The daily wear system is a selection of clothes rooted in smart design made with performance fabrics and built to work together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy sometime with the Mack Weldon daily wear system for 20% off your first order. Visit mackweldon.com slash mom and enter the promo code mom. That's mackweldon m-a-c-k-w-e-l-d-o-n dot com slash mom promo code mom for 20% off Mack Weldon radically efficient wardrobe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I remember? Do you know how many times I've heard that absolutely horrifying story? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst was asking him, oh my god, you know, sometimes you lose yourself a little bit when you're wanting advice and you make the huge mistake of asking your parents. Yes. And I was like, I was in like some type of turmoil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About this girl, and this is like, oh my god, I think this is like, I'm in college still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm not telling my friends. And I'm just talking to him with it and it just like slips out because it's bothering me. I'm like yeaah, you know, I'm just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this girl and I don't know. And he was, and he was, you know, I'm sure obviously trying to be like a comforting father to his son. He's like, why don't you give her a call? And I was like, yeah, you know, I want to, I'm like not even registering that I'm talking to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the worst. And I'm like, I go, I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to say, dad. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to take you out. Maybe dance or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it, I snapped out of it, I was like, the fuck did you just say? Like, you're a nice gal, I want to take you to dance. He like, well, well, say what, how you would say that. And I was like, I can't believe I just told you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I go, this is one of the absolute biggest regrets of my life so far is sharing this with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the worst is that then he'd follow up. Did you call that gal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, she died. You know, I was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's so generationally different, I think. And I also feel like you would probably always give different advice to like your kid. I mean, our kids are super young, but like if they needed advice, you're probably, you're just going to talk to them like so carefully, right? Cause you're like so protective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what did you, and I know, and to try to sell your, and were you like, no we're done? And she's like, why done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She liked that he told her. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually has a point. It's just not the best example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and he's like, I got an 8 inch piece in my pocket right now. And we're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually love this couple. It's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. And she knows right, whenever she sees the camera, she's like, no, please don't. Please don't. Let's not do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I thought it was very funny. I love their dynamic. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't running. That's the thing. That's the thing. It's like the, I feel like the only way I can eat eggs and not have any stomach issue is scrambled. Yeah. You know, if they're fried, if they're poached.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if, I don't know how many people it does affect, but it clearly affects some of them, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy talking about his, uh, dolls. I'm good. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too, I think in any video, any video that you ever make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, I think he's been through some shit. I think he's talking to himself right now. Under the guise that it's for the people watching the TikTok. It's for a girl. Of course it's for a girl. Teaching the girls the narcissistic. Yeah, so he's saying, hey, all you guys that this happened to, happened to him too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I gotta say, very impressive part of the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying like the right way to do something. Yeah, like that's educational. I enjoy it. I hope you make more stuff like this, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's, he's basically saying stop being predictable and nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark Wahlberg, no. Your special is out there on sale. The tickets are on sale, so we will close on Touch My Camera Through the Fence by J Crown Moulding. Is that what it's called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women don't love you guys. I'm just letting you know. This is how it works. They receive love. We give love. They don't return it back. They do us favors. And then guess what? They're off back shopping. They're off back trying to have it all. They're off back at their career. You're just there to just fill a little bit of time and avoid and then she's on to the next dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, how long have we been together? Anniversaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but if you're running an online store, you know they can also be the craziest time of the year. You've got inventory to manage, orders to fill, and a growing list of stressed out customers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what do you do? Ship station! Ship station. It's awesome because they make everything you need to ship easy and the money you save is huge. If you sell anything online, I don't need to tell you that shipping can be super frustrating. There are so many carriers and a ton of factors that go into figuring out the best rate for each order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ShipStation makes shipping the easy part of running your online store so you can get back to doing what you're passionate about. Easily import orders from every sales channel, whether it's Amazon, eBay, Etsy, or your own website and automate just about any shipping task. Make this holiday season a little brighter with ShipStation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use my offer code YMH to get a 60 day free trial. Just enough time to handle the holiday rush. Just go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top, and enter code YMH. ShipStation. Make ship happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awww, I wish you would have shared. You know what? We'll talk about it on my, like, show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, have we started? Yeah. Well, what I was gonna say is that you often will sit by yourself laughing, smiling, and then. Or talking. Or talking to yourself a lot. And by the way, last night, I didn't even bust your nuts, but you were in the shower and you were fully having a conversation with yourself. You were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's not in your shower, and the kids were, you know, getting put down to bed. Yeah. And I just stood in the mirror, I was like, at the sink, and I can see you, and I was like, fuck, this guy is fucking out of his mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't even mention it, right? Like I'm so used to it. But I do wish you would share the fun with me, cause I do see you laughing a lot in your own head, and then I, I mean what's the point of being married if I can't have some of that fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking that too, cause your friend from Australia called it a jumper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charney, she said, I like Christina's jumpers. And I thought of that when I put this on today, I thought of Charney. So shout out to you, Charney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I thought about that too. See, that was fun! We had a moment!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your nostrils flared. I know you, I know you. We've been together for 27 years, you don't think I know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear that guitar, I think of Steve Aiello playing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are two peas in a pod. I told you I like psychos and you and Vincent, two psycho bros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brad Pitt is not saying that to anybody ever. He doesn't have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, back in, you know, the comedy store days, and it's heyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? I don't mean to brag, but Anne Heish is a huge fan of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was gay with like, uhm, with Ellen. With Ellen. She was like Ellen's first boo. Public boo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's pretty. She is so beautiful in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pichu again. I gotta bring in a picture of my Uncle Steve. You guys are gonna die. Just two peas in a pod.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who cares? Blondes don't have thick bushes though, we blondes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, historically, I mean, I dunno. More not hairy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't think all men are as cool as you that way. I've dated guys that are like, they have to be spinners, they have to be a hundred pounds, they can't have big tits, I don't like big tits, I like little tits, I like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know because, I mean, don't you fall in love with the whole person too? It doesn't- Yea, of course. The body parts are like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but there are guys that are weird, like that, that are very weird about hygiene, very weird about body smells and juices and listen, I've been with dudes before you that were very uptight about fluids and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the deal, man. Before you, I only dated...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I say this? Kind of, the alternative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you came along and you played football in high school and I was like, ugh, that doesn't attract me in the least, all that normal stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying you were a different type of gent. The guys I went out with before, like I said, alternative, they wore eyeliner, skirts, tats, weird. I mean, it was the nineties, guys. It was way more fun. It was the nineties. It was so fun. They were a little more femi, let's say. Are you listening to me? I'm listening to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you came along and you were a very traditional cisgendered white male. And you were like, I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it this way, you were the first boy I dated that watched football. I never dated a boy that was into football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And, you know, you played, you were just a masculine guy, and then you were like, I'll eat your asshole, I'll suck the shit out of your butt, I'll lick your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, some guys are not, they're like, of type. They're sooo of type. Maybe I just dated troubled men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not all of the boys I dated were like that, I'm not saying that, but some were more modest. More like, mm, I'm not like that aggressive. I would say that you are the most aggressive of the men I've ever, but yeah. And I think it's because of your testosterone levels, they're extremely high. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, how long have we been together? Anniversaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We met in 05. I was 28. We didn't meet in 05. We met in 02. No, we met in 02. Right. And I, but we started dating when I was 28. And by the time we were 30, I was 32, we were married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many years is that? I can't do fucking math. 13? We've only been married for 13.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The highlight of that trip was staying at a nice hotel and sleeping. There were three days I didn't even go outside until it was show time and I had to walk to the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Night night. Because sleep is so rare with two children, you just don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're most astra- rare- rare-est. So what are you going to get me? What- Nadov, Google what 13 years is. What's the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do they do this too, by the way, where they're like, it's the paper, it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you something special from adamandeve.com. Promo code mom at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, lace. I mean, when are we supposed to buy each other that's lace? That's super gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy me a lace massage. Massage my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what can we do? We can't even spend the night away, cause like, we have two little ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, this is so traumatic, my dad would go to bars and night clubs with me, right? Like he would bring me with him on school nights and stuff when I was in third grade. And then I told my mom about it, cause I was like, it's so rad, we go out, we dance and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you cannot do that, that's not appropriate. So then my dad decided to just leave me home alone and go out to bars and nightclubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't know, uh, because he's a fucking savage. Like, in Hungary, you would just go with your, no, no, so his father would take him to the bar in Budapest and then he would make the kids wait outside in the snow until your dad was done drinking and then you'd walk home with your drunk dad. That's how they did it in the old country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was my dad's thinking. He goes, well, at least I didn't take you and make you wait outside. That's what my father did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I called him out on it many years later. I'm like, why didn't you think to get me a babysitter? I was terrified. And he's like, well, usually a kid comes with you to the bar. I didn't do that. Like he really didn't know. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I believe it. Like his, his hardcore hard knock life was different, different, real different, real different. Like not even first world bro. Like that's Hungary back then was like, you know, communist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No crime. That's what I'm saying, he could just wait for his daddy outside of the bar and the ones gonna take you. Cause they'd throw you in a fucking gulag and shoot you. Probably pretty cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Fuck man. Your dad in there too? That's fucking cold, dude. So cold. Yeah, could you imagine as a child? And their dad's probably got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I'm sure they took their time. Old world hammer. It wasn't a quick drink. Yeah. It was like, well then I had a relative who was drunk on the rooftop and fell asleep on the rooftop, drunk in the middle of winter. He was playing his violin up there, drunk, and he froze to death in the middle of winter. That was my mother's father. That's how he died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's on her side, and then my dad's side, daddy took him to the bar. So this is- How'd he die?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A heart attack during sex with my grandmother who was 25 and he was 50. So there was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, so she was like 21 when they got married and he was like late 40s and then my dad was like 8 and he had a heart attack while having sex. And she didn't know it, he like rolled over and that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, my step daddy's dead, I can talk about this now. He was from India and he would lie to women he was sleeping with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he would say, you know, he would be bouncing multiple girls, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, well, I can't see you this week because I'm going to India. I'm going to visit my family back in India. I'll see you in a couple weeks. Meanwhile, he'd go on another trip with some other girl or fuck a bunch of other girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what he would do to prove that he went to India to the girl that he had lied to is take one of his pictures down from like, cause you know, he had like a ganache or something framed and like reframe it and give it to her. Like I got this from India.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is always so funny because the lying to me seems like so much effort. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you can't just tell somebody like, hey, I fuck around. We're not gonna be exclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's my theory, because I knew a girl in high school that didn't have legs from the knees down. So she had a prosthetic limb from the knee down. I'm guessing that's a prosthesis that could go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can- I can relate to Native, because there have been shows that I would just keep watching and I'm like, I fucking hate this. I hate it so much. What's the next one gonna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you keep- I was like that with that show Younger, I was watching that for a while, and I fucking hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to Sarah Gamble, who came on the show. Squarespace. I love Squarespace. I have used Squarespace to build, oh, I don't know, four, five different websites over the years. It's just that easy to use. I mean, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know HTML, and you don't have to. You don't have to know anything fancy to use Squarespace. What I love about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Squarespace, uhm, I love the templates. They're clean, they're beautiful, they're easy for people to navigate. And they have, uhm, website templates for any kind of business or any kind of thing. You can imagine whether you're an online store, maybe you're announcing the birth of a child or a wedding that's coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's just, it's so simple. Don't, you don't need to pay for an expensive website to someone to do it for you. Do it yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 24-7 award winning customer support. Make it stand out with a beautiful website. Head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hold on, BT Doves, so I caught Squid Game in the green room somewhere and I was like, Tom's gonna love this. It's got everything you love. Violence, depression, fear, terror.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we started last night and you immediately, you're like, I cannot watch dubbed. I cannot watch dubbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I fell asleep, you're making me read. And I had taken some Theraflu or whatever and I was like, meh. So, so, but you like the violence, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking last night, and this might be a theraflu thought, because I was eye on theraflu listening to it. You have to pay attention to me when I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't it crazy that we're all human beings, like we're all the same species, right? Like we feel the same stuff, we have the same dramas, the same concerns, the same biology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yet if I were to land in Korea, I can't communicate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the same species. It's fucking crazy. Like a dog from Australia or a dog in Paris can talk to a dog in America, but we can't talk to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time. Even in the age differences between people, even in our age gap, I've noticed like I'll reference some TV show. Oh, that's for sure. You're just, you're just this much off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so true, because even my parents, who we were just talking about, because of their primary language being Hungarian, and my, my understanding of Hungarian is different than their understanding. Like, there are words that they would use that I am...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are you gonna call? Bobby. Ghostbusters. Oh, yes! Come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is it that, like I still understand how people have different sounds for things, like a dog in Chinese is a gogo. Like that's gogo, and then we say dog, or sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that just bananas? How do humans collect, like, and how does that even start? Like two people are hanging out and they're like, that's a cup bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, we gotta tell the rest of the village, this thing is called a cup. Like how does language...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I like Squid Game, Squidward Game. It's cool. It's intense. If you want, if you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Koreans, dude. I like their soap operas, too. You know, Hello My Twenties was a big show for me. You know what I love most about, uh, Korean TV shows is their food. Cause I love Korean food. I love watching them eat. I'm like, oh, I wanna know how to make that dish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm licking my chops and it's all in like, you know, little mom's containers. You're like, Oh, I bet that shit's good. But, uh, so you and I have gone different ways on Game of Thrones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, plus with the GOT, is that it becomes very predictable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Battle, battle, battle. Someone gives birth to a dragon or a demon and that's pretty cool. There's some incest and then boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, you and I are now going separate ways on, on- Yeah, run with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're giving me permission to watch the show alone. Go ahead. Wow, the glove gave me permission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so I'm saying, like, what's the scenario again? I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I thought turning you out means turning you gay. That bitch turned me out. I thought that's what that means when you turn someone out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? He'd be like, yeah, I like butt stuff. Like that's extremely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but she licked my scrum. I think that's what happened. That's what you heard. That's what you heard, but that's not what was said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our, uhm, well I'm sick right now. I have a cold. Oh, that would, that's what's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do! Okay. No. You do have, I know, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't lick your scro- I can't taste though, so maybe now is a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm extremely disappointed I had my cholesterol checked. Yeah. Are you listening? I'm listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I took a couple of months, I changed my diet, I've been eating lots of legumes, nuts, no red meats, you know, fucking fiber fiber. And?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tested my blood again, the cholesterol was like one point lower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning, and he goes, well, it's a genetic thing then. And that's true because when I was in my twenties, I also had higher cholesterol than what's normal. So turns out like generations of sausage eating is what changed. Thousands of years probably. It's my only genetic weakness that I've found so far. Okay. Well, everything else is pretty fucking superior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes like, so the other night it was too late. I, I was too late and I just, but even now, like I should be a way sicker than I am. And I just fight it with my mind. I tell it to fuck off, get the fuck right out of here, man. Get the fuck out of here. And I will it away, but you haven't gotten sick in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to not believe in vitamins. I'd be like, fuck this shit, dude. This is bullshit. Pussy vitamin shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I have something I wanna share. Why did you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is on the BBC, channel four. Apparently, it's women who enjoy breastfeeding their grown up, grown ass boyfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, milky mummy, this is hilarious, the contributor known as milky mummy, uhm, explain how she made 30,000 pounds a month selling lactation videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the other women called Lana said the practice is the perfect for play for her and her boyfriend and that she missed breastfeeding her two children once they grew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an adult nursing relationship and typically breastfeeding three to five times a day because the boyfriends enjoy it. Do you realize? So when you're breastfeeding an infant,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a fucking part time job. It's constant. So to keep your milk supply up, you have to be breastfeeding a grown man three to five times a day. And people are just mortified, which is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope Channel 4 are announcing some sort of support helpline after this show for traumatized viewers. Somebody tweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To maintain your breast milk supply, you have to be milked essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, three, at least three times a day, at least more to keep it fresh. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then, wouldn't it be the ultimate- Oh god, I can't even go there. I'm so weird. Well, okay, so your sexuality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go back, right? So your, your first sensual, meaning not sexual, but sensation sense thing is with your mommy. Sensory. Sensory. Yeah. So that's the beginning. And then as you become an adolescent or become a child, you differentiate between,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does nothing for me either. I don't think, and it's also, it takes a long time. You'd have to, I'd have to teach you to latch properly. That's a whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's rather painful when your milk comes in and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breastfeeding sucks. I don't know, these women are crazy. They love it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're, you've got teeth and a beard and everything. It would be painful on my nip nips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious. Enjoying his retirement from his arduous job of being a door to door Yerba Mate salesman back in the 80s. I miss the days before Yerba Mate was mainstream. This one's hilarious. I source, forage, salvage, handpick, and harvest my own Yerba Mate near the whatever Gowanus canal. This is hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not Korea. I speak fluent Korean. I did not hear that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cambodian? Let's hear it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look at- Guys, I'm trying to speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want, I think it's cute, the gag, and I get that he's torturing her, but I don't like the actual vomit stuff, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an account I follow, uhm, it's this girl who's married to an Italian guy, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, today he's like, babe, babe, I got you some Italian ice. And it's like a shitty box. And he's like, what is this? He gets so mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another cultural difference couple, see? That's gotta be tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, even where you grow up, right? Like, when I meet another Angelino, there's a shorthand. Exactly. You just know exactly what the fuck culturally we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys know what I'm gonna talk about, my favorite game on my phone, Best Fiends. I swear to God, if you see me on an airplane, I'm playing Best Fiends. I am


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I play it every time I travel. Well, because A, I like the game. It keeps you coming back for more. Um, because the game is just hard enough, but not too hard so that you're frustrated. B, I like the characters. I like the colors. I feel like a kid again when I play best fiends. It's so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun. Uhm, yeah. Your fiends start out as a wee baby version of their future selves. The more you play, the more fiends join your team, and the more powerful they become, helping you solve increasingly challenging puzzles as you progress through the game. That's right. So you have a little baby fiend, and then it grows with powers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's slugs. There's all kinds of little, little, uh, boxes, crates full of bananas. That's my favorite one to defeat. Download Best Fiends free today on the App Store or Google Play. That's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friends without the R. Best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was cool. I like, I like like kinda rugged guys talking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah. Oh no, I'm saying that. Have you ever been this triggered by a traffic? Like somebody cuts you. That's what it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what then? You're not supposed to say racial things, like, like you're so, like you short motherfucker, like what do you, you don't know him, so like what do you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I was in 10th grade and I flipped out on this girl cause she sat in the seat I normally sit in during biology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fucking freaked out on her. That was the one time in my life I, but I was also emotionally troubled in 10th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine she just wanted to sit there. I don't know why. I have no relation- I had no relationship with her up until that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I threatened to fucking murder her because of my seat. She took my seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is that that day when I threatened that girl who took my seat, it did feel good to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, instead of just swallowing it and being like, no it's cool, I'll go sit where I don't want to sit. I like that I had the balls to threaten her that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if that would have been any other industry besides, cause that was a show business job as I recall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you make the death threats on the burner. Everybody knows that, right? Annie? You're the tech guy. You tell me, how do we make-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're the tech guy, so how would we make a threatening phone call without getting caught?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You Skype? What a great ad for Skype, right? Make all your death threats on our line. Skype, for when you want to get caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in college, my roommate, so I'm such a retard, like I don't even know if I want to tell the story, I'm so embarrassed, but I'm pretty fucking ride or die as a friend. Let's just say that much, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was into it with this girl that was like the ex of the boyfriend she was seeing now and this girl was talking shit to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blah, blah, blah, and she's like, this bitch is trying to fuck with me, and I was like, why am I gonna fuck with her? So I called her from our landline, and I fucking threatened her ass. I was like, if you fuck with my friend, I'm gonna fucking beat your ass in the streets, and I'm gonna fucking, you know, like I talked to all kinds of crazy shit. Well, the po-po did show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they come knocking on the door and my roomies answer and they're like, did somebody place a threatening call to so and so? And they covered for me and they're like, no dude, I don't know what you're talking about. And they're like, well, we think it's Christina da da da. And they said they knew my name and they're like, tell her to report to the precinct tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that, but when the police showed up. I hid in my room and they were like, no, she's not here. And they're like, okay, we'll tell her that she needs to come down to the station tomorrow and we're going to talk to her. And I was like, oh shit. And I just didn't go. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cheated on me with this other fucking girl. Did I tell you the story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I, you know, I just find out, I'm super pissed, I'm at this party, this house party, and she shows up, and I'm super like drunk and just fired up, and I was like, she better get the fuck out of here, I'm gonna fucking fuck her up, you know, like I'm crazy. And then, so she leaves the party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know! Hey, I was a troubled youth, man. This girl was punk as fuck. I was fired up. Fired up. Angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I haven't done anything violent like that since college, really. I mean, I've been mellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're so dumb, we think that no one's hearing this conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a friend in college one time, uh, we were all getting drunk, and he put lighter fluid on his hand and lit it on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third degree burns, not a good idea. It was rad, like the trick was fun, we were all like, whoa! And then he couldn't put it out. Yeah. And then- Third degree's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was the word and, and he like, oh, it was so bad. It was so bad. Oh, for a laugh. For, for a ha ha. Yeah. And it was, but it was impressive. It was kind of worth it for me anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well even Shaggy, uh, our friend from the ICP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That stuff is just wow, but some people are just wired that way. They can survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you didn't even know that about me. I mean, you never told you those stories. I was so embarrassed about the police coming for me. That was bad. Yeaah. That's embarrassing. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. And then you realize the older you get, you're like, oh, everyone's done stupid shit. I'm gonna die one day. No one's gonna care anyway. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Statute of limitations, I'm sure, has long passed too on that, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never saw her? Never saw her. Wait, this is the one that you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the girl that I spit on ended up getting real fat. And I was like, yes, you fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch, like I saw her around and I was like, that fucking cow, like I was so happy about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, oh dude, and then she became a lesbian for a minute, and then I was like, this chick's out of line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was just out of pocket, you know what I'm saying? I don't know, if she just went as crazy, I was like, oh, something's wrong with her. And then I just started to feel bad for her. And I was like, well, I'm not mad at you anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I went through all the stages of like, oh, you're kind of sad. Cause then I would like, Facebook stalk her. Like, you know what I mean? Like a little while later. Just to make sure. Just see what's up. See if she's still fat. Yeah. And then like, confirm that you still suck. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I say that now as more of an adult joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I don't hate anybody. I don't. I don't have the energy. We're all children of God. We're all messed up. It's, no. No, but I'm saying, like, there was a point, I think, in my thirties even, where I was like, yeah, dude, go back and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my high school nemesis, she still sucks. Check on that. You check on her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at first there was one goth clique, like one big goth clique. And then she was like, fuck Christina. And then she split off and took a couple of homies there. And then it was like my clique versus hers goth cliques.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then I saw at my 10 year reunion, she still hated me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, there's no way this girl still hates me. And she gave me the cold shoulder. Ten years later, and I was like, you still fucking hate me. I don't even know what I did to her. I honestly don't even know what I did to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she started, like I said, I, I don't have any natural enemies. I don't have any enemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She s- she hated me, I don't know what the fucking deal was, she never told me why she hated me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I was like, alright, fucking, you wanna, you know, okay, whatever. She still hated me. Decade later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so bizarre, but again, I don't hate her, I just know she hated me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You all know I've been a huge fan of Babel for a while now. I'm trying to learn Spanish, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My husband speaks that language. And uhm, I've been having fun learning, uh, but there's even more ways to learn with their latest release, Babbel Live. For anyone who's ever wanted to learn a new language in a classroom setting from the comfort of their home, Babbel Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is your answer. It's a subscription based live online class with top certified language teachers. Classes are limited to six students.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To create a comfortable and judgment free learning environment. There are hundreds of classes offered each week. Select the ones that work best for your schedule. You'll be able to interact with other students at your level and get instant feedback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BabbleLive classes are offered by Focus so you can choose the topic that works best for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Right now, get up to 65% off unlimited Babbel live classes when you go to babbel.com slash mom. That's babbel.com slash mom for up to 65% off your unlimited Babbel live plan. Do you have any enemies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I have active stuff with anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then didn't you get hot? Like I imagine you became, you're always attractive. Why are they fucking with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, that's the thing, like all this irrational behavior, the day I spit on that girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, because, yeaah, I did a club and somebody got 86 because they were drunk and they were like, yeaah, he busted his head on the sidewalk and the cops came and there was blood. Yeaah, I think I know who you're talking about. Can I tell you something? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so listen, to everybody listening, when you go to a comedy club, and you get ripped, and drunk, and start sassing, and you think it's a fucking just... Fun? Normal environment, comedy clubs are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kinda feels good, yea. I feel good now. Got it off your chest all this time? Yea. Yea, I was deeply ashamed of those two stories. Really? About me threatening that girl and then spitting on another girl. You know, it was just a time in my life where I was so confused and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So angry. You know, it's just pre-therapy, Christina. This is like early twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of psychos out there, dude. I'm related to a few.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like him. I've never heard an offer so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like peas and chips or whatever. Yeah, I don't like that either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what I'm saying. This is like clearly in English. It doesn't, or whatever. It's not, I like America. I like, I like Ruth's Chris's outback. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Argumentive? Argumentative. Shit. This is why I thought combative was combative. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think men respect, high value men or whatever, respect women that are intelligent and, it's reciprocal, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's getting blown. I thought it was nice cause he made a jokey. I don't know, try to warm your heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, uhm, I heard is that once you hit your 60s, you just get toe fungus. Like your nails get fungal. Maybe. You just get toe fungus infections, nail fungus. That's what Dr. Drew told me, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all do, and it's like, it's almost, they say it's inevitable, you're just, you're alive so long that you start to get fungusy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that, but then do your nuts get all gamey? Cause they're always mashed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but bro, there's gotta be, isn't there a trap or something? Like, didn't we get traps, remember, when you had them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that. I used to, when I lived with someone, they had raccoons in their backyard and they'd come right up to me and I'd be like, hi little raccoon. And it was just like, they'd chill and stare at me. One time, I think almost came up on the bench right next to me. But they're used to it. Oh my god, that's Texas, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but I'm just saying it's fun too when everyone follows the rules and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's really neat is this is Canadian weird. Cause he has a Canadian accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you heard his accent. He's like, smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch it again. No, I don't want to. It's pretty fascinating. No, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you know, when you live alone, I remember sometimes I couldn't even take my dress off at night because it was zipped up too high. I couldn't reach it. This is another level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't eat that much butter. Maybe like a little bit of butter with Regu, maybe? But it doesn't slap. It does not slap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love him so much. That's pretty great. I've watched this one like 20 times. He's in the army. You see this shit? Why my retarded ass sign up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe, uh, you got me to tell those stories and force them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh. It's the cold beds. I think I'm not together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just freer in Texas. You know what it is? I really think cause this studio...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What draws me to human pot play is I like the gear. I like the lifestyle of it all. It just makes me feel like I am ten foot tall and bulletproof. It's not just physical, there's emotions in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having a hood on, I get to go to my secret persona, where I have no human inhibitions. That sets me free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Appalachian witch trick. Uh, if you think somebody's talking or gossiping about you, just put some salt on the stove and burn it. They're gonna stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 29. What's so hard about that? What'd you pause for? She's just scared about. Look, when's the chief gonna be in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah? You gonna do this, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that'd be awesome. I wanna know what happened to that retarded kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I do suck on her boobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's all you gotta do. I don't even sound that much like him. But it really feels like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, super petty. It's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, that would have changed just about everything. But those tweets were fucking hilarious. You forget, you forget every day was a highlight. Yeah, it was. It was great. And a stress. I wasn't stressed. I was alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having fun. I would like a press release from him daily. It would be good. It would be funny. It's good for a laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys couldn't do anything. They were dorks. They've been dorks their whole lives. And then here's that bully they thought they escaped. And now he's debating them. He learned how to debate. Which is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he doesn't. He's just a bully. Yeah, but that's more entertaining than a debate. Exactly. I'd rather watch a bully, a grown, a 70 year old bully, versus 70 year old dorks. With the fate of our country on the line. And then we all get to sit there like, yo, this is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, it's just like, at least- I think that goes bad. I think that goes bad. I know, I know, I know. I think every once in a while the philosopher's a fucking idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Astoria, Astoria was fine, cause it's just immigrants. Yea. Like they didn't, no one cared, it was all like Russians. Immigrants, NAZ, LL, cool, you see them around. Yea, yea, yea. In Astoria, it was just like, no, there was no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. I remember walking into, I would go into like a bodega and it'd be like Arabic dudes and I'd be like, oh shit, I forgot my mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't worry. Don't worry about that shit. Foreign, a lot of foreigners are like, this is some white people shit. I don't want to spread this information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And blew that. Did you go there? I don't know. No, no, no. But you just grew up. I did not go there. My family did though. I had my uncle, my grandpa and my cousin went. My uncle and my cousin went to Notre Dame and they really don't like when I talk about any other football program. Well, that's how it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's nice. You don't like Panama? Well, I was in a nice place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't, yea, I'm 24. No, it was this week. It was like pretty, there weren't college kids. Although they were there at Florida State. Have you seen college kids lately? No, but there's good looking girls at FSU, always have been. I was a troll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Which actually hurt. That one hurt. That hurt. Look, I didn't... Yea. You know? But that's an insult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it's because I'm from central Pennsylvania. Right. So we don't have any, it's just Penn State. It's just Penn State. Penn State no day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. You ever go for a white out? Yeah. It's just like Florida State except everyone's ugly. Which makes it more fun. Right. Because people are very, you know, they're out of control. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's, it's, uh, it was nice. I grew up in like a suburb. Just suburban? Yeah. Cool. Yeah, it's a little, there's like, it's, I grew up in a suburb of like white trash. Like cornfields and stuff. Oh, that's why you like, that's why you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I try to, yeah. But it's all these, it's usually just the stand and the seller. Those are the two. Those are the two I do. Yeah. Cause I do the road, I do the road every weekend. You do? Cause I'm only in New York like two or three days a week. Just doing the road, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the way to do it. It's the way to do it. It's funny when you see comics that stay in the city, and then they're like, oh, where have you been? When you get to the club, it's like, uh, doing our job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would just be, this is a different planet. I'm, I'm losing touch with this. Yeaah. You know what I mean? Yeaah. It's a, like I'm getting old enough where I see this and I'm like I'm out. Yeaah. I can't. I don't get it. Because it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think this person has, I think a lot of these are just people with, I think disabilities. This woman has a disability. Yea, I think you're right. Or this bug, pardon me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, she's bug? Or is she and her friend's moth? Yeah. A bug's bug. A bug's buggy. Yeah. Yes. Yep. You're starting to get it. Yeah. I'm in. Now you understand. I'm moth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a real competition between California and Texas. It's grown. There's a rivalry right now between like, look how stupid they are. Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's genuine weird. The rivalry is, on the way here, I passed a mural that was said, uh, Texas, where the virus has more rights than women. Oh, yeaah. California's talking shit, dude. Yeaah, that abortion law is real crazy. I support the fuck out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we find out who they are, we could dox them. Yea, we could dox them. We should do that on the show. You should have a running list. Oh yea. Of here's the woman. Here are the whores who have done this. Disgusting pig women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my dad brought a sandwich on the plane to Florida. He out of nowhere took a roast beef sandwich in a Ziploc bag out of his book bag and ate it. And then fell asleep and woke himself awake snoring like five times. Wait, he went to the game with you? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Forever. Uh, but yeah, I didn't know you couldn't, I bought it at the bar, a drink, and I tried to walk onto the plane with it. Right. And they're like, what are you doing? It's federal law. They're like, you can't bring that. So I stood there and tried to chug it, but it was like a freezing cold IPA, like I just brought it. It took so long. If you were, yeah. Yeah, that was a mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Truthfully, abortions. Like, definitely. That's actually pretty, I'm being honest on that one. I do dislike it more, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, gym shorts, gym shorts, gym shorts, yeah. I sit first class though, I keep my distance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been wearing sandals, sandals and gym shorts. With socks. I basically wore a suit yesterday on the plane. I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would support it. She appreciates my style, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Track suit? I do wear a track suit. When it's cool, I wear a track suit, absolutely. Track suit's a good move. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I do suck on her boobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sucker tits, and uh, if she gets an abortion, I'll fucking kill her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I find out she's ever had one or even thought about it, I'll cut her fucking head off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Yeah, guys. At a show? At, uh, actually she lived in DC. She just came up. Wow. We met on Instagram. Nooooo. Yes. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, oh, a hot girl that likes me? Because my fans are strictly white, disgusting men. Which I prefer. And then, uh, I love you guys. And, uh, guys, I fucking love you guys. Please don't hate me. And, uh, yeah, that was it. So I DM'd her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she ended up touching my penis. So, alright guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is in Texas? The syntax. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually outside of the city. Just whenever I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, I don't know. You wanna go back to PA? No, I don't know. I'm not sure. I like the beach. The beach? I actually like the beach. It's lovely. I don't know how long I'd like to live there though. Yeah. Like a specific, like East Coast beaches or? I like the golf, that was nice. Yeah. The place I just spent a week. Yeah. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I do like LA. LA is pretty cool. It's very nice. It's crazy though. It's a lot different than living in New York. A lot. I went driving around with Tim Dillon last night and he's out of his fucking mind. What did he do? We just went out to eat. I haven't hung out with Tim since he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very funny about LA and Texas. Hilarious. We were just driving around with him and him pointing out like houses and being like, that's 45 million dollars. Can you imagine the fucking disgusting tacky pieces of shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, McKeever, John McKeever is the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just made it. See how it went. Yeah. Put our own money into it. See what happens. And you had great, like, supporting actors. Yeah, those are all Philly guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, dude, that was cra- like, while we were filming that, so they like painted me up, so I had like the hands, and it explained all of his movements. Cause like if your hand is spray tanned like that, you can't like put it in your pockets or anything. So when you're standing, you always have to be kinda like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lurched forward with your hands like out of your pockets. Look at him. All of his movements make perfect sense. If you're at the top of your hands are tanned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a- It's why all the movements are like keeping his hands away from it, like his sleeves and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, but I remember also- I got stuck talking like him for like- Did you? Yea, cause we filmed all day. Right. Then while I was leaving I was like- Cause even the outtakes were phenomenal. I was just driving home and I was still like thinking like him. Yea. Like not thinking, I'm not saying I'm like a crazy actor, but like I was like- Cause I talked like him all day. So then when I was driving home I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man. Kyla, yeaah, she's so funny. That's, she's not really, that's not too much of a stretch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Philly. She's the most Philly, you gotta hear this lady talk. Oh yea. She's like, yea, what are you doing? Yea, she lives, she's from Roxborough. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? He was probably like, no, no it's not. Good call. Didn't see, didn't even hear it coming. It was just, life was just over for that guy. He was just like, boop, gone. It's like when the night stalker, I tried to say this, when he was shooting people in their sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, let me go that way. Just get my head blown off while I'm asleep on the couch. In your sleep is the best way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, ground up by a silent, colliding plane. I wonder if he was done with work or just started. That makes a little bit. If he was working the night job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he might have been happier if he was like, alright, it's night, we're about done. Driving the cart, the breeze. Yeah. Feels good. And then just. He's hearing. He had one second to be like, no. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like those punching machines. I fear them. I've never done one. Because I'm afraid if I punch weak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason I put an M in there. For no reason. But I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, an underrepresented group of people is the way I like to think of it. I, I'm so happy that that's where your algorithm is. I had TikTok and it just was hot kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's going fucking live. Yeah, I know, right? I don't know how to use TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy hit me up on live later today. You know, I mean that's just, truthfully that's a testament to the power of pussy that this man can figure out. Right. I mean that's like, the fact that a guy like that can figure out any technology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Gosh. And then he's coming out to the dinner table. And he's like, I think it went well. I think tonight's went well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Shane, you roused? No, I'm not sexually roused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just, I'm proud of these people for taking to TikTok when it comes to finding sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When that goes bad, dude, that's gonna go fucking crazy how bad that's gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all he's got. That's all we know though. I think he's fucking the peanut butter. I think so. I think you're right. Or he's just, I like, if he, if this is sweet and he's just enthusiastic about peanut butter. I think it's that. Do you like peanut butter? Yea. Yea I like peanut butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I just eat Grubhub. Oh, you just eat like take out? I just eat massive amounts of food, constantly. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Okay. But yeah, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, alright, okay, alright. So back to the Texas abortion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's brilliant, genius. She should wear that out. Just a hair full of beans. Ugh. Going out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] British. British! That was uh, that was a lot babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. Did you like it? That was rough. That was like a hard one to watch. Really? That one grossed me out a little. That one struck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff like scares me, like I have, like I'm worried about like my nieces and nephews and stuff. Like one, a family member could go wrong. Cause this is something, bad things happen. Something happened. And now she's making TikToks. With breakfast. Covered in beans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's a really... false. You're lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, you know, I've heard people say like they should give like child molesters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like dolls. Now to like placate their desires. But this seems, seems like teaching them how. You know what I mean? It's like giving them a test run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, that wasn't one TikTok. Those are two separate ones. I thought those were her feet in the bathroom for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should get Beard Guy. Beard Guy, yea. Beard Guy's nice. Really? Compared to... I get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every time I want to play wearing a mask, I'm in gym shorts, t-shirt, they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, it is. It's, I know what I look like, and it's Memzy. That's alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's banging them. Don't worry, it was a brand new jar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, all right, jump on over. That'd be a great only thing. Yeah. I would, that'd be funny as hell to watch that guy fuck. I would at least give him a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I think it's live in Austin. I think it was supposed to be live from, but they just made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'ma kiss your booty. Even though your booty-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though your booty sweating. Listen to me. Even though the booty sweating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Okay. Y'all know what's a banana split? It's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. You guys know we're huge fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And get $200 off any mattress of your choice. You will not regret it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what's going on there, chumos? It's another episode of Your Mom's House. I am your host, Tom Segura. With me, as always, is my lovely co-host, Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get this stupid fucking thing off tomorrow, but I've recorded 10 podcasts this week with it on, so it'll look like I'm wearing it for months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let me tell you guys something by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can, no, I can wrist flex too, like a little bit, like, I'm like, does my wrist still work? And it does. There's itches on parts of my arm that are deep in there that I've stuck, like, knives in there, pens, just anything to try to scratch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] months. It's happened. And also, you know, I have a pretty massive scar on the upper part of my arm. Sweet. And I'm gonna have two more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's his whole game. Yeah. Negging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there is, there does seem to be a different pace at which people move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll get back to you on that. I'm like, when? Well, when the guy gets back to me, then I'll get back to you. Like, well call him fucking again!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was real good. Everything was good except for the one thing wasn't so good. They didn't do good. They didn't do good breakfast potatoes, but everything else was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not above average intelligence, right? That you're curating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think those are PhDs that are? I'm inclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you see people. Great, I'm like, I'm glad you use it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what do you say we, uh, speaking of things that are good, what do you say we open the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very interpretive dance style. You think this guy is pretty neat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cleaning out the system for his prostate surgery. Hope that goes good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, his voice was cool, he looked like he's lived a full life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shhh. Message him. Let him know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's possible, yeah, because he's asking chicks if they want to meet up and play with these nuts. I think he's probably putting it out there. Reading messages, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know. Do we know? Do you think it's a trailer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, yeaah, that guy was interesting. You know what I found though, is uhm, you know who's back? Do you remember uhm, this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really good camera placement. It's flattering. Most people look their best from down here. Put the camera here. And then you go, I'm looking to date. And you look down on the camera. And you stay backlit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the bathroom, but it's like, your update is I'm taking my brat. So you're involving your child and calling them a brat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then he's like, hopefully they're fucking coming off. Keep dealing with this bullshit. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean yeaah, they took us, they took us to all the activities and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yea, that's a, that's a menacing look. You saw, can you pull that back up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get up on one, if you get through one side, you gotta do it again on the other side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of does. It actually has, yeah, it has kind of Nazi vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a story last week or maybe a few weeks ago about a uhm, a guy, did you see this? A guy who built a certain amount of wall down on the border and now he wants to get paid for it, like he did it on his own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He finished building the private three mile wall at the border. How do you even get away with doing like that? I don't know. How can you be like, nah, I'm building a border wall between countries. And then who's like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're doing. We didn't know. We thought you were just building a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Fischer told Bloomberg, he started thinking about building the wall as a personal project. When Donald Trump got elected in 2016, he's a Republican donor, frequent Fox News contributor, Fischer told the outlet, I was like, this would be really fun. This would be a project that would be remembered, like the Hoover Dam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so in 2019, an organization dedicated to crowd source funding, uh, paid fishers company, 6.9 million to build a half mile section of the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, in 2019, Fisher started building a second stretch in Texas after receiving an additional 1.5 million. He later parted ways with the organization, continued building the second wall. Its cost eventually ballooned to 30 million dollars. 20 times the original estimate. Yea, that's construction for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Yeah, right? Like, you always think it's gonna be one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna announce the date of it soon? Oh, I will soon once I get clearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I mean, it sounds more like a book than a special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you were just talking about your upbringing and how they, you know, that's part of your struggle, your dad not wanting to fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't sound like a traditional title for a special, which is interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems like it's still on the nose. Maybe you change your title a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. No, no, no, no, no. The special's title is My Own Spin On It.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] F-G-T-R-T-E it is. Or touch my camera through the fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy at the hotel was like, I gotta tell you man. I go, what? He goes, really, really glad you introduced me to Fedsmoker. And I go, yeah, he goes, yeah, he goes, I think it's the worst thing that happened last year is that he died. I go, it's the worst thing? He goes, I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people think that when this finally is over, when we finally, we don't have to worry about the virus or masks or anything anymore, that all of a sudden, like, out from the shadows will emerge Fedsmokers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big phenomenon. Yeah, we're gonna go ahead and give the official YMH stamp on your forehead to go ahead and check out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] HBO Max, and we were like, okay, well what? And then we hit play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, I mean, and I think you can tell that like they're trying to set up a lot in the pilot. Yeah, you have incest, you have sex, you have violence, murder, decapitation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, attacking a child. You know, tons of sex, nudity. It's really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look for it, Game of Thrones. It's a show on a thing called HBO.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is, yea, you found it. It took him fucking fifteen minutes to pull that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard to find, kinda slipped under the radar shows. Culty shows. Anyway, just started airing I guess, cause I just found it, so look for it. Look for it now. Alright, pretty interesting show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personally, whenever I wake up, the first thing I do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the bathroom and I use mouthwash. It feels like it's the way to go get that sleep mouth out of me. I do it when I am, when I wake up. I do it before I go out to meet people. I do it before I go to bed. It's refreshing. It feels like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The job is done. Did you know that Quip, the makers of the electric toothbrush and floss you hear us talk about all the time? Well, they've now launched a new mouthwash to help you complete your clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get quip dot com slash mom five. Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom five. Quip the Good Habits Company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's something that you're definitely gonna like. Are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of when Danny Brown was here talking about making food in jail. Oh my god. And how adaptive people come and you just start picking what's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her name is Christina also Christina Randall was released from prison after serving nearly three years for battery robbery and escape. She had nothing but $30 and the brand new ill-fitting clothes on her back. So does she have a big YouTube channel? Is that what this is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so she goes to have my life story, how I ended up in prison. So she actually went to prison. Okay. Oh wow. Yeah. That's some real shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing just how resourceful you become when things are taken away from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can do so much one handed. You know? Like at first I was like, oh, fuck. And then after, you know, the first day you get a lot of struggles and then after- My struggle. Yeah, yeah, my own struggle. Uhm, a week, two weeks, now it's like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pants with the right hand only, I put my belt on with one hand, I do like things that I was like how do I do that?


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[Assistant] Oh yea, that'd be pretty cool. I did, I dunno if it's out now, it might be out now.


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[Assistant] But I did, uh, Talib Kweli's podcast, uh, Party People with Talib Kweli. He did Tom Talks, and then I did his. I've been, by the way, Tom Talks is a sm- If you're not watching and listening to Tom Talks, you're fucking up. The guests have been unbelievable. But I did his podcast, and he has this, uh, co-host, Jasmine, uh, who's a comedian, and she was like, yeah, I'm a, um,


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[Assistant] And then they're like, no, it's Kreischer. And she was like, oh, Brett Kreischer. And then I just could not stop. I was like, it's like, it just doesn't stop. It's real.


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[Assistant] Burt Flubbs just, you know, they just happened.


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[Assistant] I get more excited when they fuck up the first name, when they're like Brett.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, I've heard people just massacre sagura. Which is stupid to me too. Yeah, it's phonetic, it's not that, but I heard them, you know, the simplest fuck up, it'll go sagura, but I've seen people that say saguar and they think it's a Q, saguarna, saguera.


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[Assistant] People thought that this was uhm, RPC they were sending this in.


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[Assistant] I've heard reports on Lucifer's lair, so I'm gonna go ahead and jump in that car.


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[Assistant] I can't believe he's gone. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.


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[Assistant] They're like, can I book the room where the Cincinnati fart happened? And they're like, I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] Not true. Not true. You're lying. Lying. Liar. Liar. Bad person.


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[Assistant] When I got on the flight back to Austin a few weeks ago, I stood up, grabbed my bag, and the guy sitting in front of me, sitting in front of me, had a left robotic hand. And I was about to be like, hey, hey, samezies.


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[Assistant] No, I wanted him to be like, you know, you get one of these? And I was like, no.


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[Assistant] No. And at first, uh, when he stayed on the ground and they cut and the round ended, then I saw, I saw the foot and I turned to somebody and I was like, this shit's over. Somebody who didn't like, who worked there and they were like, what? I go, this is over. His fucking leg is broken.


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[Assistant] If it's like a real direct traumatic thing, it could. I mean, I would expect that that didn't do that to like, you know.


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[Assistant] It's usually like a bit of a delay. Not like 10 seconds, but like a couple seconds. Versus impact, you know, it's like if I get punched in the arm, let's say. Ow, fuck, you just hit me. And then...


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[Assistant] There's like this traumatic like thing, you feel it like in your kidneys, in the whole like lower pubic area, you double over and then, for me, I mean, I can feel it all the way up to my brain, you know, like, you just.


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[Assistant] I mean, the kids, you know, like when you have little kids, they'll graze you or kick you when they're real small and they wear those hard toddler shoes. They'll just kick you or hold them on your lap and all of a sudden they just kick you and you're like, oh, like, you know, but it's not enough of an impact to be ruptured or testicle.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so he's gonna be, there's gonna be an update here, I bet you he's fine. What does it say? Do we know where it is?


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[Assistant] Every week, you fall out of the thing, you bang off the other side, you land on your back, everybody thinks you're dead, you're not.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen, but all I can say- Oh shi-


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, cause uh, of course many of you may have been watching the Olympics, and uhm, no you can't hear you, cause your mic is muted, cause you're dealing with your strap.


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[Assistant] When the Olympics were on, you get to see the way people get ready to compete. And I found my favorite clip of my favorite competitor. Get ready to go in as a female, I guess, judo competitor. Here you go.


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[Assistant] I have no idea. Didn't even bother to look. I just wanted to see her get slapped a little bit, you know? Shaken and slapped.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was, I mean, well yeah, I mean, the cold war obviously made, you know, it felt like, it felt like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, growing up, I don't think I, I mean, we would watch all the main.


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[Assistant] Competitions, you know. Right? Yeah, we definitely were watching.


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[Assistant] Summer and winter. Pretty, pretty religiously in our house. Yea, me too.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. What are the new Olympic events? Uhm, skateboarding went in.


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[Assistant] Softball, I like how they break down the difference for people. They're like the difference between baseball and softball is baseball is for men and softball is for women. And while softball has a larger ball and slightly shorter bat, both games consist of nine innings.


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[Assistant] Well, anybody can play it, but on the, like, on the, there's no, like, college softball for men. It's only for women, you know?


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[Assistant] That women play softball and not baseball is because they're not good enough.


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[Assistant] Yes, of course they scale it. Is the ball, uh, bigger? No, not the ball. You only have to play, uh, three sets. Men have to play five.


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[Assistant] So you win two sets in a women's match and they're like, you won. Excuse me, you won.


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[Assistant] Uh, they're just like, hey, just don't make it too exciting. Yeah, it's not. And then...


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[Assistant] We'll think about golf. They play from a different set of tees. They play from the tees, so like when you, you know, when you drive, women are up there, the men start back here.


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[Assistant] This kind of like, you know, brings about the conversation when somebody transitions from being a man to a woman. That's where I was going to go next. You know, and then they're like, what's the, you know.


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[Assistant] Let them do it, and you're like, well yeaah, but they're bringing some of that male physiology and biology even in that post transition to the women's game.


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[Assistant] I mean, the craziest one is definitely in fighting when a man transitions to a woman and is like, I want a box or like MMA competitor and then just beat the fuck out of other women. Well, it's a woman. I know it is, but.


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[Assistant] You know, bringing over those kind of, those fists didn't change that much in the transition. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well that wasn't somebody post-transition. That was just somebody with high levels.


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[Assistant] Okay, do whatever you want. All I'm saying is that we will not be together, but we will raise the children. You know what? What?


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[Assistant] Not what I signed up for. I didn't sign up for this.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by our partner,


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[Assistant] Whoop. We all want to make healthier decisions. We all of course want to try to sleep better and eat better and live healthier lives. We don't always know how our body is feeling, how long to work out for, how much sleep we need.


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[Assistant] Whoop is a fitness track device that helps you solve those questions with its built in coaching features. Whoop provides personalized insight into how your body is recovering, how much stress to take on during the day and in training and lets you know


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[Assistant] W-H-O-O-P dot com. Use the code yourmom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain, and sleep insights from Whoop.


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[Assistant] He's leaving again. He's already gone, like maybe he's gone while this podcast is airing. He's going to shoot Go Big Show.


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[Assistant] He is. He's a psycho with that. Jesus. He goes from one thing to the next.


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[Assistant] He doesn't wear underwear, which makes me crazy. I mean, I've gone days where I didn't wear underwear and it makes me crazy the whole day. I love wearing underwear. I love wearing boxers, I should say. Like, I like, uh, what is it, boxer briefs? Those are nice, yeaah. Those look good on you.


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[Assistant] You really think there's a point in having that conversation after that many years?


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[Assistant] It's very sweet. We found him. You did? Yea, the guys did, yea.


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[Assistant] I don't think he's like either, but he's obviously leaning into that, meaning like he's self-aware, you know? Yea. Yea. But he's really sweet. So sweet. He's such a romantic.