[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, which in the comedy world, that's like ratting on your peers, okay? You don't fuckin', you hold the line. Because if one of us caves and we eat each other,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then freedom of speech is gone, okay? You must hold the line that we're all in this fraternity sorority together. You may not, it's completely fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and it's interesting too because if you've ever been cancelled before, which I think both of us, they've come after you, it's usually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like whatever's in the zeitgeist of the moment is what people are fired up about and then they'll attack you on that. And also it's so ironic the people that are coming, so one of the women that are, that are going after Dave, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoo, that is scary. You know what's so interesting is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would protest, Ozzy Osbourne is satanic and NWA, we need stickers to the children, we have to save the children. And now it's the, it's the left going. We have to save you from the children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I think you're right. That's usually what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would she break her legs too? That's gotta break everything, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I would just take the beating from the wife. I think so. I think I would be like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just talking shit. Hit him with a car. He's like, it's alright you driving off, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm actually afraid to revisit this clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I refelt the energy of the first time, you know, when you revisit and you're like, oh, that was so much worse than I remember it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it him wheezing or somebody else in the room is what you claim that the, the person photographing him, videoing him is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, again, read her credentials, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you why. It's, it's much like the home here now or homey on out. You know, when somebody can convince you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. And by the way, we've got the memo. Everyone keeps letting me know that it's daddy big butt. Yeah, daddy not going. Not going big butt. We got it. Thank you. You can stop submitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And may I commend this mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, we're just so, we're so close to Garth. Do you think he would ever come on the show and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know that. Hey, we had fucking, fucking, um, Gloria Estefan on this show. If you're a long time listener, you remember she came on after we, after you remixed her song to be a fart song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had such a great sense of humor about it. And you know, I'm hoping that Garth might have a similar sense of good humor about it. You never know. Maybe Trish will come on, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, everytime I hear it now, I think of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So but he wants 50,000 for the actual sex act and then 50 per travel day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, I'm doing the Gramercy Theatre, January 22nd, my Netflix taping. He's in New York City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, this is fucking, like I, I knew the guy was off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, hey, our anniversary's coming up, November 8th. Can you- Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's 5'11 and has blue eyes. I love that. No known genetic deformities in his ancestry. No cripples in parentheses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and I sensed this back in like the day, like back when Brown Bunny came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, Buffalo66 is when I first saw him with Christina Ricci and I was like, this guy is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the show, I think we should do this research, I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should probably do the research for the sake of your mom's house, a YMH exclusive. We should invite him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got kind of a Manson look to him too, doesn't he? Look like Charles Manson a little bit. Yea, but he looks like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess he does, those blue eyes and the same features. He looks just like you. That's why I like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I have a hard time because you're my husband. It's okay. And I, you're my friend. Like I've been with you for so long that I can't, I can't say that. I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Cause I don't let myself go there in my- even in my head, you stupid prick. You just pitched sleeping with him as research.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baby, I like you. I can't. Don't have this conversation with me. I don't enjoy this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew this guy was special though. I did. I sensed that something different was happening. Look at that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, so you know how we're talking about different kinds of crazy? It's regional crazy, like the California crazy is the guy who wears a fedora and is vegan. Austin crazy is its own kind, and then this is like old school New York crazy, like Gigi Allen crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it's like those gay guys that are like in their late 50s now in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like RPC is like vintage New York gay guy. Like that kind of nutty. Yeah, true. It feels like a step back in time. Yeah, it's so rad. I love this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't he writing those movies? So, so Brown Bunny had Chloe Savininene and there was a BJ scene that just destroyed her reputation and his reputation. It was considered too far. And I think it really hurts both their careers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so sad, it was just some beach scene, you know? Yeah. And everybody was like, you can't make Chloe Savinier


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suck your D on a movie dude. That's she's like a nice, she's an A list actress. What are you doing? So he took the heat for that kind of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like, I wanna fly him to Texas and have dinner with him. And just watch him talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know he had an Instagram. He's got an Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fantastic. What an interesting fella, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the beard, the, the, the crazy fucking facial hair. Okay, let's pull the room. Let's pull the room. Uhm, his intensity, look at the intense gaze. He's out of his fucking mind like you. And, oh, you know, I think when we first started dating, Tommy, you remember this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first re- look at those eyes. The first red flag was, I like you so much, I wanna rip your eyes out, I wanna- I wanna fuckin' stab you so hard. You would say shit like that to me. Remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's like society doesn't care. But if he's selling sperm, he might want to make it seem like fresher sperm. So I understand the marketing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fucking look. Do it, Tom. Yeah, I mean, this is like twins. Twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like his looks, I like uh, I like Luke Wilson. Can I like Luke Wilson?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not fair, how come I give you Vincent Gallo, you give me nothing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's a ce- I don't have a celebrity crush. A regular person crush, which is even scarier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be like, you know, Susan down the street at the bank, like your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like you can't, you're not supposed to have real life people when you're married, dipshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? Is that, is it a function of age that you just get so checked out that you talk like that or is it just that all our parents are just talked? Cause my parents are equally horrible advice, just horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normal parents, yea. My mother, I'll never forget this, I had a boyfriend who cheated on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm like, yo, we're done. Like, I cut him off. Like, you're fucking, you're dead to me, bro. Yeah, you're out. Deuces. Wow, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he fucking calls my mother, my mother calls me and tries to convince me to get back together with that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's like, well, I think he's a very nice guy. You know, he called me and he told me. She liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite of all time though is when you start up a conversation with a lady, you can ask them things like, what's your favorite sweetener? Do you like Splenda or Sweetener?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean if a guy walked up to me at bar stucks and I'm stirring my coffee and he's like, do you prefer Splenda or Sweetener? I'd be like, what are you fucking retarded? Get away from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely done a lot of PCP. Maybe he doesn't do it now, but I think he's done some before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I have the chills. Oh my god, I have the chills. Oh, my stomach. I'm gonna fucking die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fermented meat, yeaah, like rotten meat. How can you eat that? How do you not die from eating this? The bacteria doesn't kill you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not bad. This guy is definitely, is he rushing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he having a game of ran? I'm gonna fuckin' play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got great bacteria, healthy bacteria in there, it's all this good stuff, these cultured probiotics, like these psychos that think eating raw meat is good for you. It's like, no, fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, uh, also cream of wheat. I eat a bowl of that, it's disastrous. But any runny, it's the runny yolk for me that does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize it was such a universal struggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is so good. It is worth the pain. I love eggs. I like an egg salad. What is egg salad? Mayonnaise with the eggs? Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, I love that. That reminds me, we gotta carve our pumpkins, but you know, the weather is so dang hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear what, there's PVC piping inside that runs from her vagina to her throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one thing I would prefer in these talks is that if he could turn the television down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn the audio down in the background because we can't hear your valuable words. Anyway, this guy did so many. He did a series explaining his dolls and his relationship to them and such. Yeah, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a series of these, like he's one of those guys that couldn't quite figure TikTok out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying that it's probably better to destroy the spine than the actual pages of the wails on your fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take the surgical route. Just go in there and take it out. I don't want to pee it out. You know how fucking painful that's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying like, keep her on her toes. Finger her on the first date. Don't wait until the third date. Don't text her right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he said, right? Oh, he's just gonna kiss me on the third day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] X is replacing what the national weather service would label it by? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I received more new dolls in the last two weeks than I owned. I've got the elf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've got the, uh, the four woods. And I've got two more teddy babes too. I think most of my delight comes from just looking around and seeing all my girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you do, keep on watching. Okay. All you have to do is grab a water butter. Butter? And then put it like this, right? Okay, and then watch, watch me and put those. You pop it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you trick someone. So what you gotta do is grab a water bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Second option, they can do what's called a ureteroscopy where they actually go up the ureter and they can even use lasers to break apart the kidney stone and then have a basket attached to it that'll grab the pieces and then pull it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or another option is they can actually go the surgical route where they'll go in here and take it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Yeah, one of the hottest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fine, uh, I have, I gotta record Hot is the Pot on Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And love isn't what we've been told it is. Love has nothing to do with emotions. And marriage has nothing to do with emotions. But if you get emotionally involved, emotionally invested, lustful and attached with your sex goggles on, you're not gonna see that this woman is a bad hire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sure do, and uh, well, I know how everyone here shits, and I'll, let me tell ya, only Tom shits like that in the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like watching them, I like getting adjustments, like I like all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look man, if you wanna rig one of these contraptions up at the new studio, you know, maybe I'll fuck around on it. ALRIGHT!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we saw, I saw in the comments that uh, diminutive means small. Again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you're right. In that context, that could be an accurate term. The diminutive space? The small space of this art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, Jews used to cook brisket on Shabbos all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel like a while ago, uh, when I was smoking cigarettes, I tried to buy a carton and they were roughly around, like I think I paid 75 bucks too and that was a lot, but they're like, like cigarettes are between 10 and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm expressing all of my ideas that I, you cannot put them all out there. So I put them on my face and it didn't work out. So now I would take them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, Booth Boys? I will say, it does sound like it's on a loop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you also hear, uh, in defense of Tom, is that it kind of sounds layered, is that once this guy opens his mouth, you still hear the other stuff on top of his breathing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think, uh, I mean, well I already said my opinion, you know, I think it's layered, I think it's, I think it's not coming from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's uh, you know, the only thing I've driven before that was like a 1998 Toyota Camry and my 2012 Honda Civic, so quite an upgrade from that to driving this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, it's, uh, I mean, I was scrubbing through my video too, and it's just, like, I'm just laughing nervously throughout all of it. And I'm like, hey man, there's no microphone inside the car, right? He's like, no, just on the outside. And I watch it, and I'm like, oh, you can hear everything I'm saying. Are you talking to yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm, I'll tell you what, I'm driving different now. I'm, uh, I'm learning how to take corners and shit, and, uh, I'm like, oh no, no, no, you don't touch the brakes, you just let off the gas and then floor it right when you're past, like, the halfway point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fuckin' crazy, man. Like, it's, if you're someone that doesn't really understand cars or driving or whatever, doing that with the instructor,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes you understand like, oh, this is why people like cars and racing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, just taking my brat to the orthodontist for her last, uh, appointment. So hopefully she'll get him off this time and we'll be done with it. Just a dad with a dad bod. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, yeaah, it's an interesting title. Uhm, it, it makes me think of Mind Struggle, which sounds a little, like, Nazi-esque a bit. Like Mind Struggle? Like, like it just sounds like Mein Kampf a bit. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's, that would be my hesitation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! What's up there, Chomo? How you guys doing? Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I am of course, uh, your host, Tommy T. Buns Ding Dong Segura. And joining me as always is my lovely co-host,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, I mean, I'll just say, I've heard that that's from fecal matter. Is that what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, do you touch your eyes after you touch your ass? Cause that's kind of the only problem. Why are you doing that? Why are you touching your ass and then touching your eyes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gross. It's so embarrassing. Yeah. It's so gross, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Jesus. This is a really full week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I only walked in on the one episode you were watching and I saw him meet the nice guy at the bar and the next scene was them buttfucking. So yea, I saw that scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, it was a lot. They didn't need to show that. I, like, they could have been like, hey, they're gonna buttfuck now, but they, they had to show the full thing, you know? Like, I get it man, they're buttfuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's like, Hey, don't do that. At least don't do that in front of me in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't think I have. Yeah, I am. I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that, I get that. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks to, it's one of those things where you can almost forget about it and then you look in a mirror and you're like, oh Jesus. Cause it so affects your appearance. So you just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're startled by yourself, you know, which is terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you have to be so vain to feel that way. I think a lot of people feel it. You know? You see your appearance change, you're like, jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like missing a tooth or something, you're like, oh my god. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I did for, for a shot something, I shaved my beard but left a mustache. And every time I walked by a mirror, I was like, oh my God, like I didn't get used to it for like days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's the tip of your nose and it's like the day after the girl you like flirted with you and you're like, I'm gonna try to talk to her again today. And you know, you go, it's Friday, you got a new shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ding dong! Just a fucking ding dong at the end and you're like, god damn it. It's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody could be affected by that, doesn't matter who or what you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I gotta play the opening clip, I haven't done that yet. You ready to open clip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you'll like it, this is very appropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it that asshole? No, no, you'll like it. Ready? Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just hit me up a few weeks ago. I didn't know that I said like 20 times on an episode I said disassociate instead of dissociate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're both accepted. So, from me, to you, all of you out there that said that I said it wrong, go suck your mom's dick and eat shit and cum in your dad's mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is going on with this guy? You gotta watch for waspices? Waspices? Oh, I forgot to ask you, uh, cause you're in Austin. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather have your eyes fucked up but you can cover it with your host, with your butt fucks over your eyes or would you rather have a pack of waspices


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. And people, when you have a cold sore, people are like, oh, you've been out there just sucking random dicks. That's what everybody thinks. Yes. How'd you get that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people would go either or on that one, I think, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Watch for wasps. They got them good too. Those wasps has got them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I one time came up on, actually the front door of a house we lived in as a kid, and there was a nest, and I didn't know, and uh, you know, like bees, most bees, not like, uh, killer bees, but most bees that you, standard bees you see around, they have to be provoked to sting, they won't just sting you, you know, but waspises will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're predatory and they just came and then they're just stuck in my arm. Like I had to pull them out of my arm, you know, hurt so fucking bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, I mean, you know, it just, it was painful. I don't remember. I didn't have like blisters or I wasn't like, it wasn't like that, but it was just, there was like seven of them in my arm hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I thought, you know, this was, uh, pulled by Zolo. I thought you would appreciate this. Just kind of right up your alley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing that I, there's a lot that I find fascinating about this. One is I feel like collectively we all go, well these are mentally ill people, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we accept and we agree to that, but then other people that have other inclinations and preferences, we go, oh they're not mentally ill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's totally crazy. Everybody in this video is crazier than shit. And 99.9% of society would be like, these two fucking fuck nuts don't pay attention to anything they're saying. They're crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then we entertain them and people like them, you know, like as if this is a real thing to consider. Yea, there's a half...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we even talking about? What are you, what the fuck are you talking about? Get, you know what? Get more interesting. Read a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show me that. Check this out. And they start playing you a song. Wow, that's really cool. You're interesting because you learned a skill and you mastered it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you just go like, I'm half alien and I'm a fucking Shih Tzu. And I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're wondering what jet and fucking spaceship I landed here on, I'm dating somebody in outer space, I'm like, get the fuck out of here, man. You know, you can't sell me on that shit because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one? Yea. Even that little short ass, that little bullshit one she did at the end there was still pretty impressive. I'll tell you that. If you just did a video about your wolf howls, I'd be like, that's pretty cool. I bet you can get some real wolves to come around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that'd be a video I'd watch. Her out in the wild howling like a wolf when the wolves come and just rip her to pieces. That'd be a cool video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Go be with your fucking brethren.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, there's nothing quite like a whoop and what it can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're thinking about giving Whoop a shot, there's no better time than today. You can save 15% off of Whoop with the code YourMom. Go to Whoop.com. Use the code YourMom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain, and sleep insights from Whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it how I'm doing it right now. I'd be like, hey, shut the fuck up and sit down dipshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take this microphone and stick it down your fucking throat if you interrupt me again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pretty good. Here's another, another one for these morons. Look at this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is noise so important to socialists? And why is avoiding it the top fucking priority?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're in an auditorium that normally has noise in it and they're like, thank God we're here. And there's, yeah. And they feel special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the real danger in this gathering. It's not, has anything, doesn't have anything to do with socialism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that they're all pathetic fucking losers and that they got together and they're trying to normalize being these pathetic fucking pieces, bottom feeding pieces of shit. And they're like, oh, this is, hey, we're normal. This is the, you know, like, Jesus Christ, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got me sweatin' in here, you know, it's just so uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are so, that's the thing, it's just like, it's the giant pussy convention is what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I see a clip from this thing, I'm like, how is this not a sketch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't get anything done in this room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone interrupts. You didn't use the microphone correctly. You waved the bat. You hissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you stop shifting in your seat? Hey, can we get to the first thing we were gonna talk about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's finally stopped moving. You just fucking, why don't you just sedate everybody in this room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you, like when you see a dude, like a guy with a beard who's like, I hate my pronouns. No, we know what they are, man. Cause you're a fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, I know you have your preference. It's cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, if you're a guy and you announce your pronoun, you might as well just be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't think he is. I think he was just self-identifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well we don't have you for much longer, so why don't we go ahead and, you know, get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%, yeaah. Yeaah. See what she says. For sure I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I wouldn't say I'm they, them though, I'm he, him, cause those are my pronouns. Hey, Tom Segura, he, him. No, this isn't a joke. Just, I'm just, uh, reiterating what you already fucking knew, unless you're a complete fucking moron. That I'm a guy. And, uh, yeah. Just making it clear, unless you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also present white. I didn't know that. Someone told me that recently. They go, well you present white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they were saying that because I am, uhm, Latinx, another dumb dipshit thing they're throwing around, that uhm, a lot of people don't know you're Latinx because you present white, and I was like, lose my number, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were just like, yeah, you know, a lot of people don't give you your Latin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Credit because you present white. And it makes all the difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hey girl. Uhm, alright, so here's uhm, here's some of your talks that you've, uh, curated. You ready to watch them? Alright, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you're schizophrenic, so that's why you believe that you're telling the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he, this is the second time I've seen this guy. And, um, both times he obviously deliberately sets up a camera here and, and both times goes like, Oh, just ignore the whips and change. Like, oh, that just happens to be there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What just, did a car drive through? That's what that was? Oh, yea. Try to remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You saying that is fantastic. Her giving that Gawk Gawk 9000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was the equivalent that what we're seeing there is a guy nutting in, uh, you know, cause he's getting that, getting that good neck right now. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's swimming in an over, like an enormous toilet that looks red. It looks like someone had bloody diarrhea in the toilet and she's swimming in it with a snorkel mask on like, hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm good. It's kinda funny, I don't want it. I don't want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That uhm, that guy didn't play that shit at all. He fucking ran off, opened the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even, like I have to say, the way that the guy spoke, who had the fake gun,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't, didn't seem like he was an Ivy league grad, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can you tolerate more than two seconds of this? I can't even watch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this guy, he's really got his shit together. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The up escalator? Just like, just go down the other escalator, dipshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a grown ass woman. She knows what the fuck she's doing. That's not like a 14 year old, you know? Like that's a... And she's like heels on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, you know, there's like, there's some truth to what they're saying, but they're also like terrifying dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, I feel like, you know, and I don't really know these guys, but it feels like they just want, like it's implied that they want just like submissive women, right? Who are just like, yes sir, no sir, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, this is a good one though. Shout out. You like that? Yeah. Forget those hashtag boss girls, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I need to deal with your bullshit when I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These fucking guys that get obsessed with colors. They're like, if it's pink, I ain't no way I'm gonna touch it. You're like, okay, sounds like you're just yearnin' for a dick in your mouth. You're that scared of the color pink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I drink that red top, making sure people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine telling people like, you're not drinking milk that has a pink cap on the top of it, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, man. This guy needs to go and he needs to go earn his Halston shades. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I did? I reached in the fridge, I didn't even look at the milk I was gonna drink. And I'm fucking guys every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's happy, I'm happy for him. He's feeling good. He's happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take some of that money and get some teeth. You know what I mean? Go buy some teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take those stacks. Check out this fucking rack I got. I don't know what's in his nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had like hundreds and then like a bunch of twenties. I mean that dude could definitely make a deal with a dentist. Like an all cash deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but how much money is that? You think you could fix this, the disaster that is my mouth with, you know, I have $3,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? He, like, what is that? Ignorance is bliss, right? He doesn't know what kind of money people have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very sweet. This is just like the old gay crew that rolls around with a young gay guy who kind of captures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see four guys that drink pink top milk, if you know what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, they all have their shades. Uhm, alright Jean, this was a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're precious. You're gorgeous. You're gorgeous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Liquid IV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The summer months are here, they're hot and we need to be proactive and keep our body fueled up and hydrated. Making hydration a priority helps us feel healthier on a day to day basis. One stick of Liquid IV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In 16 ounces of water, hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone. I gotta tell you, the products are great. I'm fully on board. This is, you can ask her. I get, I rip these, open the packet and these little pouches in there. I pour it in my water every day. Incredibly delicious flavors like watermelon, strawberry, lemon, lime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so good and like I said, you're making yourself more hydrated and more, you're doing it more efficiently than if you're just drinking water alone. I drink it every single day and I will not stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grab your Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com. Use the code MOM at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get better hydration, today using promo code mom at liquidiv.com. Hey guys, we're back. Tom Segura pronouns he, him, and joining me is an absolutely hilarious comedian. You can see her special Girl Daddy on HBO Max. It's Beth Stelling. Thank you for coming, Beth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a minute, you walk, you look exactly, exactly as I remember seeing you. Like what's up with you chicks that don't change?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally, I mean, there's this thing too, I mean, it's not a, I've heard it said and I totally agree that if someone's gonna get work done, the only kind of work that actually looks good is that the work you don't notice, like it's the subtle thing, you know, when someone, I guess they go like this, but most people just go, no, no, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does look, there's something, it's something strange, and the scary thing is that it did used to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There used to be a thing, I feel like when I was a teenager, that like friends, moms would do, right? Like in their, I don't know, 50s into 60s and they're like, oh they're aging and they don't want the skin to hang and they're doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I, I've met women who are like 28. And they're like, yea I got it. I'm doing all the shit. Uh, prevented it. I'm like, you're not even, it hasn't begun. Like, this is your best, this is your prime time years, right now. You're in your twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll confess something that I just, I got, I got hosed, no I didn't get any injection, I got hosed though and I went for it. I was walking down the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Beverly Hills, and this lady was like, Hey, come here. And I was like, what? And she's like, God, your bags under your eyes are like huge. And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's in Beverly Hills, so she's probably like, people walking around here can afford for me to rob them. Yeaah, so, so I'm walking, I mean I'm walking to like an appointment, and, and uh, and she was like, you look so old and shitty, and I was like, thank you, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, do you have a minute? I was like, not really. She's like, you need it. You really do. She's like, sit here. And she puts this cream under my eyes and like, I could feel like my face came like this. I was like, wow, that feels great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, you should get this cream. I was like, okay. She was like, it's $700. I was like, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, puts another thing like on my nose, and I was like, what? And then she holds a blue light to it. And I was like, and then I felt nothing, I was like, I don't know what this is. And she was like, this thing is normally $4,000. It's like a dildo, it looks like a fucking dildo. And she was like, but today we have like a special sale, and it's like $2,300. And I was like, I don't want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't buy it. I was like, I'll just take my cream that I'll never use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, yeah, I go uhm, I remember this, she goes, you know, the amount, and I was like, Jesus, and I gave her the card, and she was like, you have your ID? And I thought it meant like to verify. I go, sure, here, and she was like, cool, and she took it and walked away with it, and I was like, what are you doing with that? And she was like, huh? And then came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she had a, she had, oh I know there's another thing, she had a heavy accent, right? So I was like, where you from? And she said, uh, Barcelona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I started speaking to her in Spanish and she didn't speak Spanish well. And I was like, you're from Barcelona? And she was like, well, like I spent, I was like, ah fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had a street guy do that, the other day he goes like, hey where you going? And I was like, and you know I wanted to be polite, so I was like, oh I'm walking over here, he's like, oh you know there's another place, and he started just telling me about restaurants, and he had like, you know, trash bags and stuff, and I just was like, and then he wouldn't let me go, you know, like I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I appreciate it, man. He was like, you know, another place, have you ever seen this place here? They have like a pool and they have a garden and I just kept being like, I really got to go. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Charlie Chaplin used to have a house over here and he just kept talking and I was like, hey man, I really appreciate all the information. And he was like, can you help me out? I was like, you could have fucking led with that. Like you could have started with that instead of this 25 minute story. And I gave him fucking $700.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like, you know. She does or does? A couple times, a couple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I remember, you know Pharrell, the producer, right? The guy's like, I don't know, he's older than me, and he looks fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. Yeah, let's pull up a 2021 picture of Pharrell Williams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he looks exactly like he looked in like 1997, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they interview, I saw an interview or just a little blurb like a year ago, where they're like, how do you look this young? And he goes, I wash my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember sitting there being like, oh yea, I don't wash my face. You don't? Never. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then as they do it, they're like, God, you need, like they comment the whole time. They're like, you have, you have, you neglect your skin. And you're like, yeah, I don't know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, how many subscriptions do you have going now? Right? Remember when it was... You know what? That's actually a hot tip for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And it's just going to, everything's going to keep adding, you know, like I remember trying to read an article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five years ago, I'm thinking it was preposterous that one of the major publications was like, you gotta pay to read it. What the fuck, you gotta pay to read it? And now, you wanna read an article in like the Idaho Star, and they're like, you gotta pay for this shit too. Like everybody, you have to pay everybody to read something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good water. A really nice water. Yeah. We were fucking around for a minute, drinking that arrowhead bullshit, and then- Nooo. Yeah. You gotta go Evian. It has a certain class, a distinction. It does. And you taste it, right? Mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm supposed to say, I'm supposed to say, je n'ai parlé pas français, right? That means I don't speak French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non parlo italiano. I know how to say, I don't fucking speak your language a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took the highest level that they offered in high school of Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a sophomore, and so they're like, you're done. There's no other class to offer you. So they're like, you should take French. And they'll be like, it'll be super easy. And I was like, oh yeah, I'll do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, do you not try? And I was like, I thought I would just, I'd just show up and speak French. And they're like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm currently watching the new- We just finished it last night. It's good! It's great! It's fun, it's not like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got like a kind of Robin Hood-esque, right, quality to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you haven't seen it, it's on Netflix, it's French, I know some people were like, you mean you gotta read? Like yeah, watch it with subtitles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we should say that they need to watch Girl Daddy on HBO Max.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So tell me about getting the special. Like how did you get it? Where did you shoot it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but which, which location? Oh, in Arlington, Virginia. Oh, in Arlington, Virginia. Yeah. Sorry, cause, uh, I'm thinking, sorry, I'm thinking of Alamo Draft House, which has multiple locations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a horrible story. I also will say this, for the few times I did stand up on Conan, he's one of the few people who I feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gives good notes. Like notes meaning that you go like, oh, that's actually okay. That makes sense. Or like, I think that is going to make it better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you're dumb, and I don't care what you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, crazy. But he actually gives good ones. So then you, so you said on that set, he's like, let's do it. And then where do you end up shooting it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the, the thing like the, the longer you do this, I remember just being like, you, you would, 10 years ago, I would have been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you find out that people like, when they're like, well, you know, you go, no, this is what- They push back. They'll do it, but then they'll do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, he knows how to do, he can do script, he can, you know, write material and do it, but like, his off the dome stuff, you're just like, oh my god. Like, it's fun to do that for a few minutes sometimes. You're like, ah, let's play around. He's doing it just for the whole show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it great when you think about, like, the community? You go like, man, it's so awesome to be in this community of comedians. Truly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fantastic. I did a show with them about a month ago and I got off stage and they were like, we thought of a few tags for you. And I used a couple that crushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite, my favorite message to get is like, hey man, I thought of a, I thought of a joke for you. Hit me back if you want it. I'm like, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever get the people, like, people go like, hey, you have any advice, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, yeaah, or whatever, and then sometimes they go, I have like 45 minutes, I've never done it. I'm like, you don't have 45 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was railroaded the most by this whole movement, in that he went on a date that had, they had, uh, what's the, I can't think of the word, uhm, come...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he goes on the stage, the girl-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time, many years, many moons ago, I went out with this girl, we went over to her place, and as we're doing it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she gets, you know, on all fours and I'm like, I guess it's just what you like, right? That's why you did it to me. So I'm just like, pa pa pa. And then we're done. I go to bed. She goes, wait, would you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I went in there and I was like, probably should have done that last night. Yes, that's- And then I wrote an article about it. This girl's sh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sure did. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if that guy wrote that about you. Me? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was real excited, and then when he started, she was like, hmm. Like, what do you think it was? I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was just like too... I think I was too like sweet to her. Too big? No. Fuck no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I was too like, nice to her. She was like, I thought you were a little more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, I think of it as role reversal. I was saying something, she goes, you don't need to talk. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, they look different, they feel different, all the penises are different, the jizzes are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I remember it, uh, having, thinking that everybody, I, I jizzed like buckets. A lot. Yea, and always have. And I remembered, man, one of my roommates in college, I was like, I don't know, I was like, he has something about jerking off, and I was like, well, what do you do with all of it? He was like, with what? And I was like, well, I'll just jizz. He was like, oh, I'll just grab a tissue. I'm like, a tissue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, what do you do? I was like, I grab shirts and fucking towels and blankets. And I go, it's fucking not everyone. He's like, what are you talking about? And he was, he told me he has like five drops that come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, and I asked the doctor, I was like, what's going on? He's like, you're just, that's, you're just lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the contractions, right? Like a contraction. Like an orgasm? Yea, like so the penis like kind of contracts, right? It's like pump, pump, pump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is good advice. There's a lot of guys watching this show, tell them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well you know what you like, that's my point, right? Yeaah. It's like you're saying every V is different, every D is different, you know? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really jealous, cause like, I have the worst butt, like the worst butt I've ever seen belongs to me. And as you age it's just dripping? Dude, I'm like, you know, and then trying to squat, just anything to make it, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea, me and my sister. Really? That's really fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So quads, butt, everything. Party thighs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you do flips and everything? Oh yea. Wow, that shit is so amazing to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the real, like, high, high, elite ones, they all are like 4'10", and shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen like, I saw some gymnast dude and they're like, their physiques are just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, this is an unachieve, I can't, this can't be a goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it looked like the dude was drawn, you know, every muscle popping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's just like standing and grabs the rings and is like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by him. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. Confirmed. Once you've noticed thinning hair, it can be too late. Also the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that hairline slowly starting to move backwards? Any bald spots? Yes. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now it's time to do something about it. Go to 4HIMS.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair. HIMS is helping guys be the best versions of themselves with licensed medical providers, FDA approved products,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a folder I have that's called Horrible or Hilarious. And they put, they put video clips in it of things that are either gonna make me go like, ugh, or laugh at the horror. So I haven't seen this one yet. Uhm, so here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, and then there's something here that's censored, right? There's like, you see the bottom right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is that a body part that, that, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a mini-zap one time, wet, I hit, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like a off button getting out of a pool in Florida. Oh my god. And I, I got a little, yeah, and it's freaky, but you know, I didn't get one like this shit. It was just like a little zap, but it's the most like, was it through your whole body? Uh, yeah, I mean, I, yeah, I just felt you feel, it's like when you know those apparatus, the thing you can,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handshake thing and fuck with people, but it felt more, yeah, I hate it. I hate that feeling. Oh God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you see that one more time? Yea, sure. He's a really good jumper. Prime athlete right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then he was like, oh, I think if I keep this pace up, I would clear it. So I'm gonna slow down and then jump like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People getting hurt is my favorite. You like it? I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insane Clown Posse? Oh yeaah, yeaah. They, uhm, so, I just love this clip. This just came in, uh, well I'll just play it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people miss pronouncing his name is a real thing. Even, he has a show on TBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the host of the show. Yeah, it's called Go Big Show. It's a talent show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's the host and Snoop Dogg is the judge and Rosario Dawson and all. So this is a promo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From, from TBS, the sh- the channel producing the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, we're paying this person real money and we don't know his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a thing to title, you know, to come up with a title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to name? I think it's the worst part about when you have a special, like what are you calling it? I delay it. I keep kicking it down. I'm like, ah, go give it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best selling is good. Work. Kaiser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that one's not real. That's real. Yeaah, it's all the same guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only, I was just talking about strip clubs with George Perez and the fact that I go the only, like the fun thing about a strip club is going with a group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Now if you see, that's the thing is, well, that's the funny thing, cause George made that point of, uh, yeah, like, sell me. Like, do the act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a, I had a friend who was a roommate of one of my good friends. And I go over to my friend's house and uh, he goes to his room and he goes, tell Tom, tell Tom. And he's like, and the guy's like, no, I don't wanna. He's like, tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me what you've been, where you've been going. And the guy's like, I've been going to the strip club. And I'm like, okay. And he goes, tell me what you've been spending there. And he's like, I mean, I've been spending like 700 a night. And this is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12 years ago or something? When he certainly didn't have it. No, I'm working retail job and I was like, $700 a night!


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[Assistant] Also, if, if that man or the, the, the female stripper does, uh, also like, can just


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[Assistant] Click with you, like in a fun way, then I could see you being like seduced by it and being like, and then like this guy, this guy wasn't dating. So he's like, you know, it's substituting what would have been real relationships.


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[Assistant] Definitely. Like all he was getting was like an endorphin rush, you know?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, the fuck, oh, tear his heart out.


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[Assistant] Can you, I cannot imagine being like, I've been spending all this money with you and she's like, yeah, me and my boyfriend are loving it. And you're like, what?


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[Assistant] I don't think he has a special in HBO. He has a special in HBO, Adam? I didn't fucking think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long time ago, who were like, hey, you're coming to this city. We all got tickets. And I was like, cool. And they go, uh, we're going to be staying at this hotel if you want to pop by. And I go, I won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're like, no you don't have time? I'm like, definitely not.


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[Assistant] People both do this. They go, uh, Hey, I'm coming to your show. We're over here at this bar. Come by and I'll get, I'll buy you a drink. I'm like, I got it. And then, and then they go, we were just at your show. We're at this bar. Are you coming by? Like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is totally a job, yeaah. This is work man, we're at work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, hey, so do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how I got my last one. I was 16. Sure. This is a very important, uh, PSA I want you to watch over here. Just so you're aware.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is trying to make us laugh. He just got stung by waspas and then he also throws in, drink a lot of water, it's hot. So he's got, he's got all kinds of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy to get sung in the face. How would you not have the, you can't, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] A wasp's nest has all the wasp's nests.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, it's so familiar, the feeling you have, just know that it's completely natural and normal.


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[Assistant] It sucks. You gotta do it. You can riff on old bits to help you generate stuff.


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[Assistant] There's, like, Jeremiah Watkins has that, uh, new material show that he does. He was doing it before. It was so fun. That's a great show. People yell out topics and you just go.


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[Assistant] Absolutely. Some guy just came up to me today and said, I forgive you. You start thinking, what do you forgive me for? Like all the things I've done. You know, whatever. You just start building it.


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[Assistant] Yes, which is why you gotta go do shows that aren't, you're not billed on.


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[Assistant] You just kinda show up and you go, can I do some time and you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, oh the other one's real horse shit that I was lying to myself about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and I think about, like, how it must affect, like, the really famous comics. I mean, we can see it sometimes. Yeah, sure you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, which can happen, which I almost, I feel like that's...


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[Assistant] You're so in control of that. I don't really buy how that just happens. You let that happen. Yeah. If you're just that, you know what I mean? Yeah. Or some of the posts that like, I'm like, why are you showing people that? Why are you showing people that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. Yeah. I've had that, I've done that before. Yeah. Yeah. Are you okay? Checked up, yeah. Checked on people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there's some people I'm like, I'm not sure if I can block this person's number after this post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell people who are like, who resisted so much, you see them too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did with your mom? Yeaah. I've done podcasts with my mom, it's so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She brings it up sometimes and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sell this, you make your money, and you buy me an iPad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember, I remember like when that Chicago crew kinda came. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all kind of arrive different months or whatever, but all around the same time and you're like, all these guys are coming from Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was a darling. Like I remember cause people were just talking like before I.


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[Assistant] Ever saw him? I heard his name a hundred times. People talking about him.


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[Assistant] He has that, that uhm, cause it's all part of stand-up too, is uh, your cadence.


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[Assistant] Yeah. You know, your word choice, facial expressions, like when people are like, you know, you go, yeah, but it's all part of it. Like if you can get a laugh from going like this, like good for you. Exactly. That's great, you know.


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[Assistant] Everybody cringes at their early- if they're worth a shit, you know? They're total psychos if they're like, you wanna watch my early sets? Like, you're like, uhhh, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, if you have not yet seen Girl Daddy, it's on HBO Max. It's, uh, congratulations on that. It's a huge accomplishment. It should be celebrated, proud of you, happy for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I hope I get to see you sooner than the time we spent not seeing each other this time, which was about a decade. Best selling. Thanks for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My kings and queens above 18, I need to set something straight. Oh boy. I call Christina and Tom from your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Continuing in my weird things from my collection.


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[Assistant] The back of it says, the property of the USS Enterprise. Well, that's it for today. Live long and prosper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So please don't clap, shoot up these. Uhm, and, and additionally with the, uhm, the noise issue, like avoid hissing, avoid waving banners, right? If you don't know what to do, show up these, right? I'm sure there's lots of ways that we can communicate to each other without needing to rely on something, uh, that's going to hurt somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know how good, that's the only, that's the funny part. There's nothing bad about being called daddy. No. Daddy's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not so gay. I mean, I guess it could be, but it could be super straight too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, by the way, we were wondering what would happen. Everybody's hitting me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, pretty cool, you know, it's like, I imagine it's probably like what, I don't know, Coco Chanel went through when she started wearing those glasses or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. The fisherman we're wearing. So everybody's like, uh, you know, hey, me too. You just feel like everyone's trying to copy your style, but I get, you know, I get it, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can be. I threw a couple gloves away, I'm not gonna lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And sometimes you're like, oh, that was all paper. Then you pull your glove up and you realize it was a lot of glove, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, well I mean, they want to rebrand the rest of the tour. What is it going to be called? It's just going to be like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess I am kind of, but I'm kind of one of those regal type of guys. Well, you certainly are. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Why is daddy wearing a glove? Mostly, what Alice has been asking me is, where's your other glove? He's like, why are you wearing one? And I'm like, you don't understand adult shit yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't understand fashion. You don't understand your dad's persona. And then he's just like, whatever. Whatever dad. And walks away.


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[Assistant] And I've been accused, a lot of people have been like, oh, what about, you know, that's Michael Jackson's thing. No, no. First of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secondly, it probably kept him from fucking so many boys. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't fuck boys. That's a good point. So I actually feel like I'm doing a service to society and telling society, don't fuck boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, mine's pretty masculine. I have, I have some other ones. They're all gonna, I mean, you'll see them. I'm having a few custom ones made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How nice this glove is for holding a beverage. You're kidding. Really nice. How does it feel? It's just like, you know, you don't have like that wet condensation. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize the older you get that like everything, all that stuff, it's all in your mind. Everything is. Everything. This is in his head. Like it's all perspective I'm saying. Like you could just be like, I love being called daddy. Or just tell yourself that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tell, if you tell themself that when somebody writes daddy, they're telling him you're hot or you're cool, then he would just like, yeah, it's all perspective. Just let it go. Yeah. So it's just that he can't let go that it mean like to him. It's an accusation that he doesn't want to be. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he needs to do? He needs to do some videos with some girls.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And they should be like, ooh, daddy the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he might be, like, he might be from a household where, like, that is talked about. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody like a parent could be like, hey, Miko, let me see your Tik Tok comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how can everybody tell you daddy, huh? You got the chupapinga, don't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, it's kind of, the city is a little mixed. Yeah. There's blue voters. I mean, it's a red state for sure.


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[Assistant] Can I guess because I haven't watched the, I actually haven't watched the series. Oh my gosh, it's spectacular. I've seen a number of scenes and the characters, it's such a pop culture hit that I've seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I haven't seen it. Okay. I'm guessing it's Anthony Jr.


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[Assistant] What if he, what if he calls you and he goes, I didn't know it took to that either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now a lot of people are like, I thought my name was just AJ. AJ!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, and the thing is, what's interesting is that he gave up and then filmed. I would have filmed right after I had plucked it. Fresh.


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[Assistant] Your eyebrows are just like shaped a certain way and you don't have to do anything. And then you hit a certain age and you start getting wonky hairs. And you have to do something or you look like a fucking lunatic. And these are absolutely dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so fun is that, uh, uh, our youngest has been calling me a butt. He goes, you're a butt. And I'm like, yeah, you're a butt. He goes, no, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yesterday he was just like, nah, nah, nah, like sitting there eating something. I go, hey, you know, you're a butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy genius. What's scarier than getting a box of raisins while trick-or-treating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting started is easy. You head over to PolicyGenius.com, answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property, then PolicyGenius takes it from there. They'll compare rates from America's top insurers for progressive to all state to find your lowest quotes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to policygenius.com to get started right now. Policygenius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of language, this is a video that pertains to language and actually saying language in school. You're kidding. You want to hear it? I'd love to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was called Fuck the Police. NWA, old classic. That's right, an old group called NWA. What does that stand for? Attitude. So uhm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've heard of this group. No, I know, this is an iconic song. So yeah, it's pretty, teaching this in school. That's the funny thing is I don't, I want to understand the context of this senior curriculum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I can't imagine the- I can't imagine the class when they're like eeeeh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is a good idea. You guys wanna send a remix of her version?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To your mom's podcast at gmail.com. It's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll play it, uhm, on the next live show. Uhm. Oh my gosh, that's a great idea. Wow, this is really something, man. I kinda wanna, I wanna watch more of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I wanna watch 10 minutes of her doing this.


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[Assistant] Is it a, is it just that people, gay people have sex or is it like a graphic?


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[Assistant] See that end right there? Fuck, fuck, it's fuck the police. Fuck, fuck, fuck the police. So she, her rhythm is so off. I feel like whoever she's speaking to should be like, you could read that last part again, you did it really out of time.


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[Assistant] Just go up there. She's got my haircut. Hey y'all, we're about to start my comedy show. Fuck the police.


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[Assistant] She does not, she does not like it at all. She's not cool.


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[Assistant] What is this? I was like, music dad. He's like, what? I remember my, uh, my cousin, uh, visited and I was playing this song and he was a police officer. He was just like, you play this? And I was like, it's great music. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, uhm, yeaah. Some people just did it through death metal, and I did it through fucking the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the difference is that I would, I would listen to that song and then, you know, go to the mall and see a cop and be like, hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like the evolution of that music, or like how there's, you know, there's more awareness now of like the black plight and story in America. And so maybe there's a class now that's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This song was about how, you know, black people were abused by the police and that the whole relationship that was highlighted by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people were scared of Holden and Catcher in the Rye. And people who were anti-social were drawn to the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember hearing about Catcher in the Rye and that there was, and I wasn't somebody consuming books at that age, like it was freshman year of high school and I read it and I was like, I like this guy. Me too, he was my hero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that guy almost ended up all over that room, meaning every little piece of him. But.


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[Assistant] Luckily, it was a t-shirt. The difference, I was thinking about this.


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[Assistant] So you know the other, the Russian lathe video? Yeah. Where, uh, that guy goes bye bye real quick.


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[Assistant] He has on a jacket. Like a thick workman's jacket. You know what I mean? Like, uhm, what's that brand? Like Carhartt or something? Yea, like Carhartt. Where it's like, like thick, like dickies. Yea, yea, you're supposed to work in it. So he has those on.


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[Assistant] I mean, Nadav said that he, you liked this video, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You looked at- there's aftermath photos? That are like 4k, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most clear photos you can possibly imagine of the aftermath. You can see his hand is still holding on to where it was.


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[Assistant] No, I didn't, I didn't stick them out. They were sent to me because we put it up. We played the sort of footage of it on the show and then people were like, here's the aftermath. And I saw it and I was like, Oh my God. Like he was all over that room.


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[Assistant] It's just crazy. I was thinking about the guy in the Russian one that you're just gone.


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[Assistant] I don't, I mean, there's a certain panic, but then it's just over so fast, you know? It's over so fast.


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[Assistant] What would suck is if it like just got your arm. And then they cut it off. You'd be like, just turn it back on, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you're f- really? Well yea, because you're not- you don't feel anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, but the terror, I don't wanna be scared. Well that'd be like if they're like-


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[Assistant] Uh, hi, this is your pilot and just let you know we're gonna die in a couple minutes. Like, they don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying those are, you are completely unaware scenarios. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] She said the 32 year old died from a lethal combination of pneumonia and prescription drugs, but a new two part documentary delves deeper into the mysterious, nefarious circumstances around her tragic death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her troubled relationship with Mon Jack premiering October 14th on HBO Max. What happened? Brittany Murphy looks at how Brittany Murphy went from one of her generation's most promising young stars with memorable two turns in films such as Clueless and Girl Interrupted to one of Hollywood's darkest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a strange thing, he's a strange person. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I will go with, uh, Weather first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed it too, there's overcast, but there's still humidity and heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I happened to ask for a recommendation this week, so I got one. Okay, good. And, uh, it's not a mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're expensive, they are expensive. But maybe half of that, right? Maybe, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We mentioned a little while ago that we had done an interview with somebody we really wanted to interview, talk to on our show. And that person is Dr. Joe Court. Now to give people context who Dr. Joe Court is, here's how we first discovered him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this obviously piqued our interest because we had never heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This theory before. This theory. And actually, you know, that, that one actually really, you know, makes logistically, right? Logically a lot of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and so we found his TikTok, we started playing clips and then we actually got him to do a call with us. Now on the call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an idea that I thought would be really funny, which was that I would tell him while we were interviewing him via zoom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I was on the road having a lot of gay sex. And what we didn't realize is that while it's kind of funny to us, um, it's his practice. It's his actual, like he sees couples, couples that are struggling with this issue. And I was like, yeah, I'd blow like eight guys a week. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, and he was like, you know, are you serious? And I was like, yeah, we just played it serious. And you were playing the part of like, you're like, you know, I tell them, like, it doesn't make me feel good when you do. And wait, so we were kind of pretending to be a couple with this issue and he was being very compassionate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it was a bit and talk to him more and had a great conversation with him, but shortly thereafter he contacted us and said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want any of that stuff to air, which we, we, you know, uh, respected his wishes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we knew, we knew that it wasn't played well. Yeah, we fucked up. We didn't tell that story for a while, and then we did, and then he heard it. We didn't even send it to him. It's amazing. And contacted us and said he appreciated that and that he would come back on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I love it. We're super excited that in a few moments here, we will be joined for the second time by third time, third time actually by Dr. Joe core. And hopefully you'll get to see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Tushy. Tushy is the modern bidet company, washes away even the messiest of poops, leaving you with a better clean than toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even comparable. And once you have a tushy, you're going to realize that you've been an animal. You've been living like a human. That's an animal mashing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need water spraying in there, getting that messy, sloppy, stinky turd off of your skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't do it with paper alone, you gotta have a tushy. You'll never wanna poop outside of your house again. You'll never wa- You'll have poops coming to you and you'll be like, well, gotta get home because I am gonna use a tushy to wash all this shit out of my ass. Tushy is the modern bidet for people who poop. You just poop, you wash, and you pat dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start watching with a tushy bidet for a better clean. Go to hellotushy.com slash your mom to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for our listeners at hellotushy.com slash your mom for 10% off. After you buy and install your tushy, show it off, tag us and hellotushy on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back and we're so thankful and happy to be rejoined by Dr. Joe Court. Dr. Joe, thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were floored and so surprised and so happy and thankful that you sent a message that you heard us discussing that we felt terribly for your first appearance and that you were willing to come back on. So I'm curious, how did you find out about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's awesome. Man, I'm, I'm so happy that you, uh, you reached out and we've discussed it. We discussed it even earlier today that, you know, I think even the first time we had you on, uh, we had called you back. We had like a second conversation, right? And, and we told you and that's what we discussed at length that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you have an idea for a bit and then the execution of it just makes you feel bad. And that's what happened when we did that first bit with you. Um, that we just, we just felt bad that it didn't, it didn't go as planned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one of the things too that I actually wanted to bring up is some of the things we brought up in our second conversation, which is that, cause we, we


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Found out who you were and it caught our attention by that first clip that we had played of you saying, you basically introducing your TikTok channel, saying like, uh, this is my specialty. So if you would, I mean, can you elaborate a little bit on what you see and what you treat regularly? Cause it's pretty fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's just like, some guys just have some dumb bitch that just won't fucking come to the table basically, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there is, there is a, that's another thing that we, we actually brought up that I thought was a very valid point. You say in just one of your TikTok videos is that, uh, female


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fluidity when it comes to sexuality is like accepted, no one bats an eye, it's just like yeaah, a girl might do this and that. But for male, for men it is stigmatized and even an inkling of fluidity, uhm, people raise their eyebrows like what's going on, like they immediately jump to judgement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how prevalent do you feel, like, or, you know, in your, because you've...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How prevalent do you feel like this is in society?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting the adoration that these dumb broads just don't provide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most, most probably think that you have to fit into like this, yeah, style of being a sexual being.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine some of those conversations have to be pretty funny. Like, I'm just trying to spit in your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it ever, do you ever get to a point where it's somebody's, let's say fantasy like that, whatever it might be, the slapping, spitting, pegging, and there's, you know, it's difficult and then they do it and you find that they enjoy it? That they report it? Yes. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I couldn't see you doing, or me really, but you especially doing the strap-on thing. I could see you slapping. Kicking in the nuts. Not interested. Slapping, I could see spitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even understand how, how it's tolerated. I mean, if I'm, if my nuts are grazed aggressively, I feel like I'm gonna puke. So I don't know how I'm gonna taste. I'm the same way. I know. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, god, you're right about that. Have you, did you find that the, uhm, like now, I mean, it depends on where you look, that we're kinda coming out of at least the worst parts of the pandemic. Did that affect, uh, your practice or what you saw? Like, was it more or less?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so that's a, that's a big plus, a big improvement.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's my, my poly experience as well. Uhm, Dr. Joe, as we air, this will be a part of our new episode. Do we have your permission to tag on to the end of this, uh, the first interview where we were full of shit now that people will know that that's what it was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, listen, we gen- like, we genuinely, and then you can tell that it was genuine because, you know, we could have just, we ended that first call and been like, whatever. We both, in the moment, immediately were like, hey, call him back. We, we felt the need to confess and to let you know because we felt


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, that's, uh, first of all.


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[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. And I think as a prac, like what he's talking about, it's fascinating. I could listen to him talk about that for hours, you know, and just, just, it's like, you know, watching couples, like it's like why we're watching those couples shows. I can watch that stuff for hours. I never get tired of watching human beings interact and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really. Why? Because now I get to be with all these guys.


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[Assistant] You know what, the fact that I fucking want to go to a jujitsu place that's all nude and just get taught.


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[Assistant] Uhm, okay, so he gave permission, so we get to now show you the guys. Not just, I mean, because that was fucking incredible. We get to show you, to be clear, the first time we had him on, where we fucking, we had a, we planned a bit.


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[Assistant] Reaction. Which was, he was genuine, but this is us pretending that I'm on the road, fucking guys, left and right.


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[Assistant] All right, we're super excited to be joined right now by somebody that we met, we discovered on TikTok. We've since had a really like just fascinating time.


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[Assistant] Learning about this, and now we get to actually speak to him. It's Dr. Joe Court. You're here with us now. Dr. Joe, how you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's it going? It's going well, it's going well. It's very nice to meet you. You know, we, so we, I think, came to discover you, probably the way many people have, where you had a video that you posted on TikTok, where you made a very interesting point. You said something about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, when a woman engages in homosexual behavior, it's, we give her a pass, we go, it's probably going through a phase, or, you know, she's exploring, getting to know herself. Or it's fetishized. Yeaah. And then if a man does something like that, then we stigmatize him, and, you know, demonize him, and go like, oh my god, this is the end of the world. Uhm, and this is sort of your field of expertise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, now, you mentioned briefly just a moment ago before we were rolling that a couple of the videos that, you know, a lot of people watched and kind of got your name out there on that platform have been silenced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Now can you explain, because this is I think a real, you know, eye-opener to a lot of people, cause when I watch your video and we got a copy of your book here, is my husband gay, straight, or bi, a guide for women concerned about their men?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited. Uhm, so this is what I want to know though, like you read, you read this or you know, the topic itself in the book or you watch your TikToks and how big of an issue is this? Cause it feels like it's kind of an underground unspoken of issue or topic.


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[Assistant] Disagree on which part? Uh, disagree that, like, straight guys don't just do it for pleasure, that it's fun, you know? Like, you go and you wrestle a guy and then, you know, your dick pops out. Just happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just, but I'm very open, you know? Like, sexual. Yeaah. You know, I've done threesomes, foursomes, uh, orgies. I've been with, you know, women, guys, trans people. Like, I just, you know, I just put it out there.


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[Assistant] When is a guy gay? Like, if you blow four guys in Palm Beach after the show at the Improv, are you gay then?


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[Assistant] Thank you. Stop worrying so much. God.


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[Assistant] And this is the thing, it was, uh, we started clothed and then we were going through, cause I had an injury. He's like, you want to see the way, you know, your body's rehabbing. So we went through the exercises like shirtless and then short list. And then, you know, pretty soon I was naked. I don't know. It just happened, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think cause I've only dated women and I like, I like being married to a woman. I'm, I feel the most connection with women and I think about women, you know, so I just identify as straight, but you know, like sometimes like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that day in the gym, that guy, the trainer, he blew me after we worked out, you know.


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[Assistant] No, I'm serious. You are serious? Yeah. Nice guy though. Real nice guy. Okay. Right during the stretching.


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[Assistant] But, so this is something though, cause like, you know, I mean, you talk about me, but I'm more interested in like, you know, in your obviously, I know that it's a confidential practice, but like, how, like, are you constantly then sought out by men who are struggling with this issue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a staff here. We have a staff here. You guys can put that in your notes. Okay, thanks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. Now, I want to go back to something, I know we discussed it, but I think a lot of people are going to be really curious on the clarity of when is somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, gay, because of, like, you know what I mean, because of their acts or thoughts, and when is it a straight guy engaging in an act with a man, but he's not gay, like what, what is that distinction?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy that works here, I think you met him, Nadav, and he said that when he was being initiated into his fraternity, they did like this tea bag challenge, where you lay back and everybody dips their balls in your mouth, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so far we're still straight. And then the fourth one, what's the fourth question?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know a gay couple that uhm, they, they, they crush ass on the side. Like, and they have a, you know, they have an open dialogue about it. Like, you know, yeaah, I'm gonna, I hooked up with this guy today at the park or whatever. Yeaah. Yeaah, they just. Yeaah. And they, but they're both cool with it.


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[Assistant] I would, I wouldn't mind if Mother Teresa came on board too, if you know what I mean. Over here.


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[Assistant] It's not just, it's not a gay cruise, it's a sex cruise. Right. So it has everything. It has like little people. But I feel like I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm most attracted to actually female amputees.


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[Assistant] Something I've been, uh, getting off to quite a bit. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the fantasy of like helping them when they're like, you know, can you get the door for me? And you're like, yeah, but it comes with a price, you know, that kind of thing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I see what you're meaning though. I should just listen to her, you know?


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[Assistant] I mean, I think so, at this point, it's fully a session. Uhm, so, alright, so people can get the book, Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men. They can also follow you on TikTok, DrJoeCourt. Do you post on other platforms too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and uhm, hey man, like when we're, uh, we both tour, you know, when we're in Michigan, are you gonna come to a show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very nice and I feel like, you know, you really open people's eyes. I could tell you're a really kind, empathetic guy. Thank you very much. It's nice to talk to you. Uhm, I'm gonna listen to the ball and chain yap here for a while after this one, but thanks so much for talking with us today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just- It's hard for me. What it is, is I really just feel, like, I feel bad for doing a bit like that and it-


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[Assistant] Not considering that that's his work, and that he was actually trying to be helpful. And so I can see why we felt guilty, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I do think he is a genuinely good guy who cares about this, this field.


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[Assistant] Good for him for having both great teeth and great hair.


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[Assistant] Today's episode is brought to you by whoop, the personalized digital fitness and health coach. You monitor your recovery, sleep training and health.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you gotta get out here soon, cause you gotta go to your book club.


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[Assistant] That lady might be the one who was like, fuck the police. She might be there.


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[Assistant] I thought, I thought you were gonna bring a post office.


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[Assistant] Maybe get a, maybe ask what some of the past books have been so you can see like what the world is like of books they read. You know what I mean?