[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are what I would call sedated eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone has consumed one or more substances to get into this mind state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yes. I think he, I think this guy does it all. And he says no. You don't think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't think he's a selfish lover. I think he's like, you wanna see me fuck for three hours? And you're like, I'm good. Yeah, I think he's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he actually hangs his hat on his like stamina. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch them, I watch them all day and I send them to people. And I just get a bet, I get a bunch of like, what the fuck is this kind of text, which are my favorite. And I'm like, oh, is that the wrong text?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He totally, and then later on, she was like, what do you think of that clip? She goes, that guy is a famous actor. Like he didn't, we didn't tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, we gotta wrap this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sunday, he never comes and never calls. And so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said you were going to bring me mine back, and what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're his buddy. Yeah, I'm like, but you said, so I actually, I'll show, I'll read you some of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, so that's what he said, he's gonna text me at the opening time tomorrow, which would be Thursday. I text him Thursday at 3pm. Okay, so again I'm asking for an update on my bikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, sorry, I just saw your text right now. I'm sorry for the delay. I promise we're not trying to avoid you. And then he switches. No other shop would have done what we could have done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand your frustration and miscommunication or lack of, I promise you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you will hear back from me either way in the next couple hours. Thanks for your patience. I promise you will have the bikes back to ride for the weekend. And I go, okay, thanks. That was in the morning. All right. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one reaches out, no one texts, no one calls. 3pm Friday, I text them, what's up man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the evening I go, when are you coming by? And then I sent a question mark an hour after that. And he goes, the first, it's just more shit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do I owe you? And he goes, sorry, I just saw this come in. Uhm, blah blah blah. Do you have a bike pump? I go, we don't have one. He goes, I'll set you up with one. I go, okay, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, I'm waiving the tax and I'm discounting everything. And I go, okay, I'll be home in five minutes because that'll be like 1245. What's your ETA? Are you close? And he goes, sorry on the other line, but I'm on the way from another location, hitting some traffic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should be 35 minutes. And I go, okay, what's your ETA? Man, I gotta get going. And he goes, I'm sorry, I'm stuck in horrible traffic. Now it's uh, 2.15 in the afternoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, man, you told me 1045 first available. He goes, I apologize, I'm running a small crew right now due to the crisis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My estimated time of arrival now is 35 minutes from now. It's 2 15. I'm like, I go, this is ridiculous, man. And he goes, I'm really sorry. I thought we, we had one of our guys out with health issues. Now there's like another guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, really, we're really screwed up. It's like an essay. He's right. Yeah, he's writing like just huge long texts. Uhm, he finally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I finally tell him I go, hey man, cause I'm leaving stuff out to not like really, but I just go, oh, he said he goes, you don't have a bike pump. So I'm charging you, but I'll give you a bike pump. And I'm like, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I purposely didn't want to see him, so I didn't put my hands on him. So when I told him where to leave them, so I go to my bikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm looking for the bike pump and I go, did you leave a pump? Cause I don't see one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and he goes, uh, no, I called him, and he goes, I don't, I didn't leave it. And I go, what? You charged me for a pump after all this bullshit? I go, I'm gonna leave you, you're gonna have 1,000 one-star reviews in a couple days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the other thing that I'm not, I'm leaving out. I talked to him like three times during the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About like, I was like, hey man, you keep saying things, but like you're not calling me, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, anyways, he was like, super apologi- he said all this bullshit like, I'll take care of you, extend your warranty, and you're like, I wanna work with you, why the fuck would I wanna warranty with you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go, well, I have that warranty, right? I ride my bike off of a curb the other day and the seat adjusts. I'm like, hey, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't text his, I didn't post his name, I didn't post their business, I, you know, I actually think it would be a service to everybody to post this place so that you'd never fucking deal with them because they're absolutely criminals and, but I'm not going to, to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should I call him right now and just say like, hey man. Or should I text him? Should I text him and be like, hey no one ever came by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was unbelievable. I mean, this last one is unbelievable, right? He's like, I got your back, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. So, okay, so this is actually pretty exciting. Let's go to, uhm, what is today's? 5-6-4. So, we're about to call Fed Smokers Nemesis, Alistair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? This is a reminder, just so you know who we're about to talk to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So great. Birds of a feather. Alright, so that's Alistair. He obviously had beef with Fedsmoker. Let's get the deets right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing great, man. I'm doing great. Thanks so much for taking the time to do this, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, so, I don't know, I'm sure you have some background on it, so we, like a lot of people, became familiar with uh, Conald, aka Fed Smokers Videos, just from, you know, uh, perusing the internet and finding crazy stuff, and uhm, you know, we got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just got to digest who he is in small doses, like in these little videos, uhm, and then we ended up obviously finding a few with you. What was your, what's your background and how did you end up meeting Connell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So was he a good artist? Was he a good tattoo artist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was also, it's, it's been, uhm, thrown around that he might have really been into meth too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, um, where, where was he calling in? Like when they shut down the school and the library, what city or what state was that in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the, tell me the video, cause I saw the video where you're walking and he's walking down like a little, like a little sidewalk and you're like, what's up, Conald?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cool. That's very cool. So wait, where were you when you heard he had died?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, did you get a call or did you get a text or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, do you know anything about, about Conald's life? Like, that uhm, that people might not, like anything else about it? I mean, obviously he was an artist, but do you know anything about his background, his life, or did he have a wife, or where he was from or anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so he's, he really is Fed Smoker. 24-7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how about today, because he's gone, rest in peace, Connell Eugene, uhm, Peter, is it Peterson? Uhm, uh, how about to honor Fred Smoker, Alistair, how about today we, uhm, I don't know, let's call in a bomb threat to a gas station and just see what happens, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, but he would also, he would also just kind of flip and do other shit too, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was the drugs, man. That was just too much, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he was something, man. Well, well look, it was nice to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have a guy that's just like him. I should put him in touch. Um, Alistair, thanks for jumping on the phone with us, man. It was, it was nice to, to hear a little story and actually talk to somebody who had actually met the infamous fed smoker. So thank you for your time, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was like, he would start shit and then call the cops and be like, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty great. Uhm, this is gonna really, uhm, knock your tits off, okay? Yeah. Alright, so, oh, as a final farewell to Fedsmoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Tony, aka Fart Simpson, aka DJ Skullvomit, uh, who every time he does a prank phone call, I feel like it tops the previous one, and I go, there's no way you can top this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did it again. He's amazing. This is his latest. Oh my gosh. Thank you Fart Simpson. Uh, you can find him on Instagram. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's amaz- I mean, I can't believe he's able to do this, but like- How does he do it? It's amazing, but what's also incredible is that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's very like, just matter of- Massage your little hole. Massage. It's like, put the needle through the- Yeaah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people message me like, is there a come on, don't be stingy shirt coming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, so we're talking about crazy ladies, uhm, and how they're good in bed. And then, uhm, we were, we were leaving the, uh, beach, we were leaving the beach parking lot a couple weeks ago. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a bumper sticker on the Camaro in front of us. And the sticker says Tengo Novia Toxica. Which means my girlfriend is toxic. Okay? And uhm, that's a message to just put out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I said to you was that she probably bought that sticker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because this girl is a nightmare, but this guy likes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the kind of crazy. The kind of girl that goes, let other people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I'm a fucking dangerous person to be with. That I'm a mess. Yeah, let people know. So this is somebody who has like jealousy issues, you know, probably tempers, problems. But yeah, like, sucks his balls through his asshole. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, the only person that would attract is another toxic girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. That is a fucking bat signal right there. To some crazy puss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my buddy Shay Wiggum's in it. Uhm, he's the one that told me it is dark. He told me it was dark. Fuuuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so dark, I can't even tell you. So if you grew up in a house with uh, Perry Mason on TV, it's like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Raymond Burr. Raymond Burr, right. Is that his name? That show is great. So it's like a, you know, kind of one of the original detective shows, right? And it was like, there was always the cross-examination. Uh, cause I think Perry Mason on the show is a lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's Perry Mason that would do that. It's that kind of vibe, you know. So the reason HBO is doing it, it's uh, it's that this is supposed to be how he became the guy that you saw in that show. In other words, this is the prelogue. This is the prelogue. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying that was hard to watch, man. I don't like what, I don't like animals or babies, you know, children getting hurt or anything either. So like seeing that it's like, uh, it makes your insides just turn, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the actor's phenomenal. I love him. Same guy that was on the lead in the Americans. We loved the Americans. That was so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you keep skipping along? What the fuck are you doing? Moron, what are you fucking doing? Why are you skipping along while we're doing it? You're dragging it along. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we called our landlord after. How do you feel about us getting a dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want anyone ever to say that I didn't treat a disabled person with respect. We have one running the show, a developmentally disabled person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we should do like a special, uh, like a, one of those docs where they're like, how does this disabled guy go to work? And we just follow him, come in, we have breakfast today. Is that what I sound like? That's what I hear when you speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the video to watch. Do you understand? He was actually guiding you through it, saying, say, Joel, he was doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is a cool song. Never scared. Normally we wouldn't be allowed to play this, but something tells me that the algorithm won't pick it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a lady. So you almost lost your, uh, your tox, you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude is actually saying a progressive fascist system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this dude, this dude's real though. Is he posting more videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fucking hot. I remember, uhm, yeah. Would you sign up for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm just seeing him look up. It's not a good look. What's it say on the change? On the chain, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's just, I mean, there's worse backgrounds, but he's not, you make it sound like he's holding it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the craziest thing is that he actually has dry dab King on a chain and he's like, I'm gonna smoke some dandruff. That's why I'm the dry dab King. I take my dry scalp and I smoke it all the time. It's fucking alarming. Look at his face. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, man. I don't know. Did you feel like, by the way, that talks were just gonna go away?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well uhm, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with our guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have been using stamps for close to 10 years. 10 years because these guys have it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can print official US postage right from your computer and printer. You don't have to leave the home. And this was before there was any reason to be wary of leaving your home. You could just stay home and print and you save money. You don't have to rent one of those expensive postage meters. You just print that postage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have the digital scale that calculates it exactly for you. There's no guessing. Slap it on a package. Leave it for the mail carrier. You're ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back Chomos, uh, joining us once again, back on the show. We love him here, he's absolutely hilarious. Put your hands together for Johnny Pemberton. OI OI HEY! AKA J-Jadapeet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what Bert said? Bert said he wants a British guy that goes with him everywhere named Lyle, who every time he gets himself into trouble, like he says something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's simplify this. Let's go to like Long Division and I'll be like, let's not, I don't want, I don't know that either. Is this Florida?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, it's just like speaking Cantonese, right? Just why? Like, just have someone else do it. I'm not gonna do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That cannot be an okay teaching tactic in any school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a hot geometry teacher who was a cheerleader for the dolphins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she was a cheerleader for the Dolphins. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and she was fucking smokin'. And she was older by the time like we, by the time she was our teacher, uhm, you know, I'm, whatever, I'm 15, 16, and she's probably early 40s, so she was a cheerleader 15 years prior. But, uh, she would have,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would eat a dozen donuts every morning. She would eat them. Uh, and they, and she was... She wouldn't a dozen donuts? Yeah. Not by herself. She was skinny, like, like really, like, not an ounce of fat on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. When you said, when your bowels are touched, you said, like, you told us a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you said that, I said something about what happens, you said when your bowels are touched, your body...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why not at least set up the video to look decent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit. Just close the doors. Close the cabinet doors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just putting it out there, uhm, let's see, uh, oh, he doesn't have his website, but he's, uh, he's just got like a, he's got really cool ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kinda sounded like, I was a little confused too, cause he was like, let's do away with this fascism, but then he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Oh, right. You know what I mean? He's like- Like he's trying to, to, uh, poke fun at the, uh, the Nazi message. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I bet he does. And I believe he's run before, so maybe, uh, second or third time's a charm, you know? Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell. I saw a Nazi salute, I heard Gestapo, but I couldn't tell if he was running for it or against it. I just heard a lot of nouns. Yea. A lot of nouns. House, fun shit, rats, bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your boy by the way, cause when your first time you were with us, we did uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the, uh, the clip of the guy who ate the wasps nest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? Is that you you wanted? Like his eyes are completely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, it's harmless, don't worry, it's this type of spider, and you did it like immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know someone who got bit by a brown recluse, uhm, a while ago. Really? And it was, uh, over time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to put some in one of our employees fucking lunchbox. Oh really? Which one? Right there. Put some spiders in his sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that you'll do something. You know what I mean? Like I believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is somebody goes, I can't really put this guy into a category, therefore he's unpredictable, therefore his threats are real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think that she just got into the second tier of the groundlings and she's just working out a character. She's got the improv down, she's writing now, she's in writing lab and this is just one of her characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, that's why you're a graduate. You're a fucking varsity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanted to ca- okay, but- He's so good, Pemberton's good with his hit songs. He is, but let's see, uh- I got off the talk. I got- you got off talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready for a horrible or hilarious first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I haven't seen this one, so I don't know if it's horrible or hilarious, but here it is, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day she brings me in here. Ah, have you ever watched The Office? If you have, you probably know that it's based on the UK series also called The Office. But what if I told you there are nine other countries with their own versions of The Office that you've never seen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No geo restrictions when you use ExpressVPN. This is like stepping into some hacker future stuff, man. It's so cool. ExpressVPN lets you control where you, where you want sites to think you're located.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can choose from nearly a hundred different countries giving you access to content that isn't available in your region. Fascinating stuff. If you like watching shows or movies,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ExpressVPN is definitely a must have. It's great for when you travel too, man. It's incredible. You can access things on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney Plus, all the streaming services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the most out of your streaming services today at ExpressVPN.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you use our link, you'll get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Again, that's expressvpn.com slash your mom, expressvpn.com slash your mom to learn more. This one, you'll definitely, we just watched this earlier, but I know you'll appreciate this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the dry dab king. Oh my god. They hand rub together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. If she did, she's so unbelievably unstable. Like that girl, like a guy who does that could just be like a fuck around goofball. A girl who does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just being super gross. Yeaah. You just have to learn. Yeaah, it's true. I mean, without women correcting us for being gross, we'd just be much more gross, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to deal with any of the like, hey, clean it up. You know, it's like, you can just be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, wait, do I open here the talks or this is 2020 talks? There's two folders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just the talks. Not this is 2020. Okay. Alright. Are you ready for some talk? I'm ready for talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when someone goes, I was born in this country. You're not gonna fuckin' tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a guy, uhm, when they do the threat of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks like 7-Eleven's gonna get a little bump in their quarterly revenue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely wants you to tell you about his earrings. That guy coughs a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also brilliant. I've never heard that before. I've never, ever heard somebody combining Subway and Jimmy John's and making the ultimate sandwich. He's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, a speech like this makes me want to be discriminatory against them. Like, if this is your spokesperson, I would like you to not be allowed in this building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is, this is, this is at CaliConvict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of the health directors are confused these days, so it could be, could be what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the bad crazy. Remember talking about crazy chicks? That's not a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's denied that this is him. He put out a statement saying that it wasn't him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so weird though, the videos are so strange. They're so strange. I feel like we lit them up pretty hard and I was thinking that in a perfect world, if there really was like just a poetic end to this, he would put out one of his videos where it says like, uh, podcasting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then like they stop recording and then they're sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rich people are bad. That's right. And then, uhm, yeaah. And then the lesson is like, don't be mean to people that are just enjoying something and being happy, you know? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he has very on the nose messages. Like, don't be mean to poor people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, oh, like, when she said, she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you look up, is there a trailer for it? There's gotta be. There's gotta be a trailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put that on in the car. I got the CD and I put it in the car. And my dad- What is that? It's a special needs kids. Choir. That sang an album. It sounds bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on everybody, throw away the trash. But if you don't tell an adult that that's what it is and they're just hearing it, they're like, why is this on? And that's what that movie is to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I guarantee you he probably wouldn't laugh at the kids at Whitney High or Thomas Kincaid's Christmas Lodge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bad enough where I feel like the director might change their name afterwards. Like you would just be like, uhm, yea go to IMDB there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did this guy get a directing job after that? That he directed the White Castle movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I wouldn't give for one more year at Christmas Lodge. Did I stutter? I want to go back to the lodge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you kind of almost forget that they're not professional singers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't write that. This is funny, I think you're gonna kick it. What's the email address? It's yourmomspodcast at gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I only picked a song and not the full playlist. What was queued up next was YMH episode 420.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The timing was impeccable as I was sterile placing a central line and my phone was in my pocket of my scrubs meaning there was no way for anyone to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is like a surgery team, right? So yea, surgeon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear about black guys fucking this guy while I'm trying to put this in someone's heart. You'd get fired. Yea, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drilled it for like two and a half hours and I got bored. Got off and went to my room. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you've also been bribing your mother in advance of this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, old fashioned nerd. I am also of the Green Lantern Corps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am ready for battle. I may not be able to uniform as well as you, but I have my own uniform. My own look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You set a fire and you can think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here with my boyfriend Bert. We're celebrating because he got a new job today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I want you to tell Burt that he's a fat piece of shit. This fucking guy drinks 64 ounces of Kool-Aid. Can you believe that? This fat piece of shit. He smells bad. He fucks dogs. So let him have it and I'm gonna give him some of this sloppy top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No, dad, please, I don't wanna be grounded again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dad, I'm really sorry about the grades. I promise I'll do better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be the Nazi, he's fully sick-hiled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I'll call you back in a few, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some cats in life I've never even thought about. Yea, I know. This is a new one for me too. And you hit on a couple of them today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this chapter is one that, uh, I've never even thought of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before you come, yeaah, I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's normal size. It's not that big. Well, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you come, you come. Let me see, let me see how much you come. Let me see all that come. How much, how big a load I'm gonna swallow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He must be on drugs. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to MergeMethod.com slash TomSegura and get that here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be honest with you, I always thought I was going to be in the NBA. Even at a young age, when I knew that I wanted to play basketball, like when I was in elementary and middle school, I knew that I was going to be in the NBA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 33 inches, you do wanna dig it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cheating! That's oral sex! So what? Is the dick suck? It's not fucking the bitch. It's not fucking her and laying beside her and all that. That's how I bust a neck. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Saatva, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we had like 20 different tacos from two different vendors. All kinds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't even mention I made the mistake of eating zanku chicken for lunch before. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I haven't had turds that hot, I think in a long time. And thank God we have those Toto washlets because I just hosed the, hosed it down and it really helped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it's funny because I don't know if this is a medical thing, but after I have diarrhea, I feel like I need to carb load immediately, and we've been eating pop tarts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just to feel whole again, cause I feel very disconnected and like I birthed, it was hot. How was your wipe up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started going in a toilet that didn't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I DM'd him this morning, like, hey bruh, how's your culo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we got massive brown town at this house. The sagura home is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to know, I have to ask Dr. Drew. And is it very acidic? Because why the ring sting? Is that the spices from the chilies and stuff coming out of your culo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those eyelashes, this is the thing that women are doing now, is getting extreme eyelashes. Put on their regular eyelashes. It looks crazy if you do too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's got like a razor or something. He's not on the same level. Sidekick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's definitely a thing about Braden, Kaden, Jaden, those Aiden type names, or Mackenzie, it's another popular one. Let's see here. Crystal. Crystal's a horse name, but we all know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank God we don't have those millennial fancy names. I know. We kept it, our parents kept it O.S. baby. Tom and Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what's interesting is that she goes, names aren't in the dictionary, sir. Like, I would have never responded that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best. When your husband and your best friend hook up. It's just the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so, well first of all, you got a shout out in the new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So cool. We've been watching it over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fun, we, yeah, it was such a good time. Yeah, yeah. We're gonna become rappers now, cause I think we enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much that I'm gonna be a rapper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think so. I think I've got the skills to pay the bills. You know, it's really, I don't know, in real talk though, whenever we have, uhm, musicians in that chair, like, you know, he rapped at some point, Seamus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause yeaah, yeaah, just from what I saw in the night, then I'm listening to the song over and over, and you're like, this is a really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have such an appreciation for rap music now since I was in a rap video and I bought Jay-Z's book Decoded, because I'm a huge fan of the Black Album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm a huge Jay-Z fan. I think he's so brilliant and he's so talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, a bitch ain't one, it's not about a lady, it's about the canine unit that never comes and he gets off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, to the last 15 years have been like 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one, thinking it's women. I'm like, I'm cool, I like Jay-Z enough, I don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I thought it was about, he meant that because he had Beyonce, that he doesn't need other bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just, I didn't know that Jay-Z collected art and then he really fought to have Hard Knock Life, uh, the Annie part put in and like he rallied, he wrote a letter saying like how influential that movie was to him growing up to get the rights to the Annie music. Oh, so they said no at first? Of course, they're like, no, who the fuck are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're like, why would we give you that? And then he wrote a letter saying, no, no, I wrote a paper about Annie when I was in school. The song means a lot to me. I really would like to use it, blah, blah, blah. And he won them over, essentially. Wow. Yeah, brilliant, brilliant guy. Anyway, I'm very excited to be into rap. I'm 43 years old and I'm really starting to cultivate a new interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've always just been into my own music. No, I know. You know, I like The Clash and Pixies and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, it's not bullshit, I tried to explain to you that Public Enemy and The Clash were doing parallel things to Chuck Deep, uh, podcast on Spotify.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That, how do you, can they do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be so hard to be in a group. I mean, creatively, when you think about what we do, thank God we're lone wolves for the most when we do this together, but having to deal with five or four different personalities and split paychecks and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ronnie Woods, saxophone, Charlie Watts. That's what you're thinking of. On the drums?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see how much these fools make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, what gives that away? Random, I was, uh, Ethan and Elah Klein pointed out that I was featured on WikiFeet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I-I'd like to defend my photo that's up there, cause it did not get a very high rating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that that foot picture was lifted from my Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was nine months pregnant. I literally gave birth the next day and that was the last pedicure I had before I gave birth. This is when I did, um, Ellis, when I was pregnant with Ellis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, there it is, and that's the lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my feet are nice. That was a bad day. Really bad. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? That is a kind of porn I would do if I were broke. It's foot porn. That's real easy. Oh yeaah. That's nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you masturbate? Like let's say it's 2008 and we're super broke, would you jerk off on a porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is what can, what can not come back to haunt me so that when I am a successful comedian, a decade later, they can't be like, dude, look at Christina doing interracial gangbang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a mask on. With a mask on. No one can, no one can identify you. What if I was a masked gangbanger? Gangbanger? Wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's a niche lane, if I do the entire basketball team, that's not what everybody sees. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why I do the team at once and then I've got all this content banked and I don't have to do it every time somebody- That was, you know, that's a problem Josh was saying with his sex work. Yeah. Is that he would get these requests and then he has to fulfill them. Yeah. So if I could bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm not sure, but at least $5,000 a month, I'm thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, Nadab, don't go like, uh, put your- How much did you say? She said 5,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you being serious? A hundred percent. It's a dark hole, like don't you think once you start getting into sex work, I mean you saw Josh, he kind of fell apart emotionally. But what would you do? What would be your limit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you a million dollars to do the scene. A million dollars? Now it's fantasy. Well hold on, hold on. It's a boy-girl scene, so it's just straight sex, but the caveat being that your mom has to watch it, and you have to watch your mom watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, sorry, you finish the scene, it's on tape, and then you show it to your mom to be like, see what I did at work today? And then she watches it. And then you get a million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, no, think this through, Josh. You want to be a famous comedian. I think it helped me so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that makes sense, there is porno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, uh, varying it now? Like you do, are you doing your foot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking about who, who specifically this demographic is that's into male shoulder hair, and I'm thinking it's guys, actually not so much women, so maybe we should skew it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what are you bumping up against here, Josh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you just said it, the title, Shoulder Hair Bukkake. I mean, that's it's own thing. That is a new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but think about it from our end, uh, you know, Tom's got to pay all the other performers, we've got to rent a space. You know, I don't think that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because you know that in porn everybody does find out. That's like number one. Is that it's a given that your pastor, your stepdad, your everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if his legs and his buttocks are that hairy too. I'm sure the butt's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, wait a minute, he understands the difference between playing somebody in a movie that can do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, he's an actor. He plays a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is out of control. I mean, look-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is crazy. Well, I'm, I can't believe he's giving police advice on how to be police. Yeah. Or to, I mean, not even, those aren't police, right? Those are just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Well, he's still a douchebag, so that's nice. He's consistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and we're doing it on Where My Mom's At, and Nadav helped me do that yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much fun to talk to you guys now that we're set up. There's a phone line to Studio Jeans. You guys can call in and what we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We tweet it or I do it on, um, the Grum. At the Christina P, I will announce it on Instagram. And, uh, so follow me there if you would like to know when we, you know, release the hounds of the opening the phones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. You can wear that for your gangbang. I love it. Which historical cemetery is inside of a strip mall? Because I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not sure. What cemetery is next to a strip mall or N1? Where is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, listen, let's be a little, it's hard to find a groove on a show. Sometimes it takes the first five, six episodes before you know your characters, you know your story arcs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bottle? It's a can. White Claw's in a can. So now here's my question because I've drank White Claw and it's narrow. It's like a Red Bull can. It's not very wide that opening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say, this one's my favorite. So far I love the goth theme. You know me, I'm a huge fan of Halloween, so I'm into the spookiness of this. It's really good, man. I like white cloth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck? He's like, there's a CVS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great episode. You know, they added production value now. We've got a cameraman. We've got the flag, the piss spots flag. New additions. It's getting better and better every episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited for people to see your special. It's so funny and you did such a great job. Okay, coming up, I got Dallas, Texas. I have Caroline's Comedy Club, April 3rd and 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big announcement, April 7th, London at Bush Hall. Tickets are going really, really fast for that, so if you want to go, go now, buy tickets. Oh, thank you, I forgot we're doing that. Uh, April 24th to 25th, Des Moines, Iowa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then May 1st, I do a show at the Netflix is a Joke Festival. I have my own show at the Regis, St. Regis Theater. So buy tickets May 1st, LA, LA, New Westminster, BC, Phoenix, Phoenix, Arizona, Stand Up Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jean, I love my quip. Do you know if you brush for two minutes at a time? Well, I do because that's right. I got the quip toothbrush that lets me know when my two minutes are up because you got to do that twice a day, two minutes. You got to floss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but Quip makes it simple because they give you this whole package. You get your electric toothbrush, your refillable floss,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are over three million healthy mouths that get quip already starting at $25. So if you go to getquip.com slash mom right now, you'll get your first refill free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash mom. That's G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom quip the Good Habits Company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I talk about being pregnant and how it sucks to get depressed after postpartum depression because you're fatter than Bert and then place just goes nuts. All I have to say is it's fatter than Bert and people really love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Burr, Burr, you could gain 80 pounds in one month. What are you eating? Like, okay, but, nah, it's not so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Leanne, by the way, she does episodes of Where My Mom's At and she is fantastic. She does Wife of the Parties, her podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh oh, I wouldn't go for a male trainer. I agree. I've only ever done ladies. Is he hot? Is he Latin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way it's gonna be fans only and I'll set up a membership and I'll be making bank bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, okay, secondly too, I asked Tom for a dick pic when he was away, and he refused. Would you send Leanna a dick pic if she wanted to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he was sneaky, remember the photo was like, he was in the mirror, like you were taking a photo of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chocolate souffle, he couldn't say it. He goes soccer shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Tacos Contoto, we had like 20 talks yesterday from different vendors. So this morning, Tom and I were simultaneously shitting, like hot dogs, fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, it's weird. Did you know that El Torito means the little bull in Spanish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what about Rodeo Drive? It's Rodeo. There's no accent mark. It's not Rodeo. Hey ho!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rodeo! Yep. And it's not Houston Street, it's Houston. Why'd they say Houston?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, wait a minute, wait a minute, but Y-O-U is U, so H-O-U is H-U-S-T-E-N. So it is Houston, and Houston is wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Bert, don't you know that, I mean, you can get porno for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, let's just jiggle in her butt around and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, mine are hangier and they spread more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't shoot you in the bathroom. Nobody could have gotten that shot of me in the 90s. No, they didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh, well they have primary colors too, so we may have to paint our set again. Yellow and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Half a mil, five hundred thousand dollars is fair because you're gonna get sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on, so let's be clear what vegetarian, that includes cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're orderly, well, vegetarianism, hold on, let's just make sure we're clear on the parameters. Vegetarians, what can we eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not me. Okay, okay. So you can do eggs, can you do dairy? Lacto-vegetarian includes dairy, so yea, you can have cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so then let's make it clear. So we're not gonna have fish. Is that what we're gonna agree on? Dairy's fine, eggs are fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, good for you, Leanne. Put the hammer down. Good girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say Bert, I wouldn't trust a male trainer. I would only go to a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only ever, I had a Pilates instructor who was a lady. And, you know, cause I would be afraid of that. Like what if, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bruh, what's his Instagram? What's his name? Let's look him up on the Grum right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? And you're really an expert on mental illness, aren't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm the fucking smartest person you have ever fucking met. So get the fuck down off of my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you go to college Hastings? You did? What'd you study?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a fucking finance with honors degree. I'm a certified financial planner. I'm also an attorney of law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know my fucking rights. I don't fucking know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you take down the blacks, and you get fuckin' on video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has some food there. So what? People have food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wishing all your birthday wishes and dreams come true all birthday year long. And the sun is in Libra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did Mark Wahlberg get his start? Oh god, it's a long and boring story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm here to try to teach the posse of firearms and martial arts to try to help them learn how to respond quicker and, uh, help protect their children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, motherfuckers! Tom's talking about the new shit that no other comics are talking about! Original 2020, motherfucker!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's blood. And I'm like, oh no, but it's just a period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we can't, uh, we can't do what we love right now, so it's, uh, it's a bad deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Been around it for quite a while now, and uh, you know, it's, it's not like anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, absolutely. You gotta love the nature, boy. You gotta love the nature, boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I was always, uh, I was always a Ricky Steamboat fan though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have cable, so I don't, uh, I don't get to watch SmackDown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a picture, his name, and then 30 connections. It looks fake to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tribal police, white guys, trashed a native woman, had her naked for patients to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not yet. I've heard amazing things. It's unbelievable. I need to rent it when I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're actively trying to find, uh, uh, a place that will do subtitles for us. So if you don't speak Spanish, you'll be able to still watch Tom Segura in Espanol. Mhm. Because it'll have English subtitles. Great. And it's coming. Yeah. Yeah, we're trying to lock it in. It'll be there hopefully within the next episode or two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, I don't know. Uh, I don't think we do that as a whole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know if she actually got fired. I think she might be definitely taking a break for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's not, I feel like the better lane for us is to start playing people's impression of Charles. Gotcha, okay. Kinda just tries to help people, I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, in case nobody's told you today, this is just a PSA for everyone. If you're not black, don't say the N-word. I don't care what the context is. I don't care what version of the word it is. Don't say the N-word. It's not your word to say. Don't say it. Stop saying it. Period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were a kid, are you trying to say that wrestling is for children?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think by and large, yes. Like I, honestly I do. I think, like, that's what it's, that's what it should be for. I saw the first WrestleMania and it meant something to me. Another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roddy Piper, the late great Roddy Piper was a very dear friend of mine. How did you guys become friends? Uhm, through Eric Abrams at the improv. They were friends? No, he was organizing a show where Roddy wanted to start doing stand up comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at the time, I had a bit about watching Pro Wrestling with my brothers when I was like 10. When I thought it was the shit. Yeah, when I thought it was as real as life got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then he was like, would you be willing to do a show with Rowdy Roddy Piper? And I was like, I couldn't say yes fast enough. Cause that was my generation. That was, that was the reason why if you say, are you a fan? I would say yes, even though I haven't seen it in years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I got to be really good friends with Rodding. I wouldn't want to say anything that would be disrespectful to his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then I remember Roddy trying to explain to me uhm, that his generation of wrestling was back when you had to be that character 24 hours a day. So he was, you know, he would have to pay


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cook 20 bucks to watch him cook his food. So the guy didn't spit in it. He had to have a special leather jacket because he was stabbed three times from fans. Because they really believed you're the bad guy. Correct. Yes. And he had to be a bad guy 24-7. And I think, uhm, that couldn't have been easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did go to the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremonies back in 2005. That's kinda recent. Yes. And I went because it was Roddy Piper, Ric Flair gave Piper's induction speech, Sylvester Stallone gave Hulk Hogan's, it was my whole childhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Iron Sheik was there, out of his mind, and he told a story that the, uhm, promoter of the AWA, I think it was Verne Gagne, who was a legit tough guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like when we were kids there was a guy named Harley Race that they said was a legitimate tough guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he would, like he, I remember he came, he, Russell Peters, this is like back when the Comedy Store was a ghost town. It was like 2008 and I was going up for like eight people and everybody was like, dude, the Iron Sheik's here, the Iron Sheik's, out of the eight, one of them was the Iron Sheik.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, you gotta give them the business a little bit. So I started to talk about Hulk Hogan and then the iron cheek came up on stage and I was like, I could easily die right now because he was on stage. Yeah, but he was really nice and Russell Peters was with them holding the belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, he was an Olympic wrestler, and he was a bodyguard for the Shaw of Iran. Like, that was a legit tough guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was more interesting, but I think at its core it's always just been a morality play. And I think that's what I bought into as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good versus evil. That's simple. Yeah. As a kid, I loved it. And that feels like you're saying wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean honestly, I think it's the same thing like with like the Marvel universe or something like that. Yeah, another thing for children too. Right, but I think adults can enjoy it. They can. But when I hear people, like to your point, like when I hear people like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, like when the- cause it sucks now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, if it's a doubt, it's a doubt. The devil's in the details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The left one hangs down lower than the right. And there's nicknames for them. There's Richard on the left, and Simon on the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know why you put that in here. That was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she, he just turns her and he's like, she said no again. And then she walks away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his mouth and his nose are open with a toothpick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, road jumps happen on the weekends that I used to perform comedy when that was a thing, and uh, I have them, I don't know, twice a week. Twice a week? Twice a week disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, twice a week. I still eat shitty once in a while and I still, uh, eat late at night. So I'll wake up some mornings after eating fast food and just be like, oh good god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but I, I mean, eating once a day, that's your only meal. It's all disaster all the time. I mean, it has been a cautious move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then sometimes I keep, you know, I'm really impressed, uh, sometimes when I keep it really solid, when you get like a really solid shit. Awww. Is there a better feeling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like this life that's going on, this quarantine is just breaking my brain to the point it's like, just give it to me. And I'll take that over quarantine, you know? And then I could smile, I could eat lollipops, I could enjoy myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I would do anything to cure the world of the coronavirus to get back on stage. I'm realizing that I don't care how many people die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't put limits on what I could do in my future state. I would never. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause women need to pick up unprompted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This took three loads, approximately three winks, and I got my vape full of my cum, and every time I try this it tastes different. So today when I vape with my cum, I'm going to tell you what it tastes like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tastes pretty good today, as usual. It's a little bitter, kinda bleachy, but there's notes of mango and pineapple in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, with a little bit of saltiness to it. So, you know, you get like, it tastes like you just ate like a roast beef with pineapple on it, which is a pretty interesting taste for vape juice, but you can only get that flavor when you vape your own cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by whoop, whoop, whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop is a long time partner, uh, of ours. It was, they were, they kind of carried us, drove us through a sober October, if you followed that with Bert Kreischer, Joe Rogan, Ari Shaffir and myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we're starting off 2020 with a new fitness challenge. Uh, three of us trying to lose a little weight. Ari's trying to, you know, get muscle for the first time. So we're doing a bunch of different things and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm wearing my Wook 24-7 to understand the impact of basically everything, you know, what, how I train, eat, sleep. The sleep data is fascinating. I cannot tell you, it has a built in sleep coach into the app. So it starts giving you advice like, Hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably try to get to bed soon if you're going to wake up by this time, which is the time you normally wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The analytics are amazing. It tracks what you do, fitness, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put in things that you do that might affect the way you feel, uh, caffeine, uh, if you drink, if you feel stressed, it asks you these questions, you answer real quickly, you put in what exercises you did, and it gives you all this, this data that it just builds. It has this whole bank of information about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm completely fascinated by it, and I wouldn't know what to do without my Wook now, so I'm hardcore into it, and uh, encourage you to get one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to be better, keep up with me in this whole new weight loss to kick off 2020. Get over to whoop.com right now. Use the code your mom. Y O U R M O M at checkout for 15% off your membership today. The code is your mom. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we are. We're back. So excited. There's really groundbreaking stuff happening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just, pfff, I just can't even. Anyway, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously people comment things, make memes, videos, songs, everything. But then, it's always interesting what happens in your personal life. So like, in the last week, I've had a lot of friends be like, I gotta get some more Charles stuff. Like, text me, like, do you have any more Charles stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, of course you guys found him. Uhm, so I've seen a bunch of his, he does long ass videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our agent sent us a video doing uh, Charles' video word for word. The whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't really turn out that great. Uhm, but the, uh, I don't know, the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've, we've been shook here by what has happened. It's just been, it's been alarming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shininess, I can see what you're talking about. I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to deduce that by location one who lives


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In East Harlem, that he may be able to walk downstairs and get a do-rag. Oh, right. And that swim caps aren't as popular there. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, been fascinated by the great Robert Paul Champagne for a long time. For a long, long...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A long time, this man has just fascinated us from, from the- Captivated our hearts, not just- Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like that. That's all we knew about this guy. He was just, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy who was hardcore and he just wanted to fuck a lot and you know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that. I know that. But that's who he was to us, okay? He was just always this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we, we didn't know who he was. From wild to wild to kink. We just knew that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was this amazing dude out there who loved to be fucked by strangers. Come check it out. And, you know, we had no idea who he was. And of course, over the years, last year is actually when we discovered this man had a name. He had, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just kinda went down the hole of getting to know him, Josh flew out there, then later on Dr. Drew, Dr. Drew Pinsky fucking went to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sat in his apartment and spoke to him. Very kindly, might I add. If you haven't seen it, it's on our YouTube channel. It's Dr. Drew, uh, visits RPC. I don't know if it's titled that way or how it's titled, but it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's on our YouTube channel. And they have this fascinating, fascinating conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then I did a podcast with Dr. Drew on Dr. Drew After Dark where a large part of it we discussed his meeting with Robert and the fact that Paul Brazil, uhm, shot, shot both of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh's Andrews and then recently, uh, I guess people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's over it, he's upset with me, with, a little bit with Josh, with Drew quite a bit. Uhm, you, he, he, I mean, here's some of the stuff he's been doing. He's been doing, he's been on a posting frenzy. He has been posting, I mean, around the clock. Yesterday he might have posted 200 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's for Potter. Potter didn't open his dumb fucking ears. You know? It's probably his shoulder hair growing into his ears. Probably. Maybe we could just, uh, kinda hardcore throw Josh under the bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I think we just, I mean Josh has also been on Drew and they've had discussions about it as well. I think Robert probably listened to that and they, you know, discussed maybe the state of his apartment and what Robert's saying here is that he made it clear to Josh


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That uh, obviously this is just temporary arrangement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because he was also, uhm, he didn't know how to use the app on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a new computer. Yes. Uhm, then there's uhm, then he roasts us. This really hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That cuts real deep, and uh, I could just get a do-rag and I don't have to get a fuckin' hair job. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm. He's very upset with us. It was not a swim cap. Geez. Now, look, I think we should at least make the effort. Let's, let me just try to give him a call. Alright. Are you sure? He seems pretty


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They must, people must be saying like, yeaah. Someone's saying something to them, yeaah. Yeaah, that's fine, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is wrong. Incorrect. Uhm, yeaah, I know. It's like, what is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look man, I know you're upset. I just wanted to let you know that uhm, it really hurts me that you're upset with me. It's Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just got up? Oh, okay. Okay, yeaah. I mean, I just, look man, I just saw that you were really upset and I just wanted to let you know that, you know, I never meant to, uhm, hurt your feelings or anything. I'm, I'm really sorry that you're upset. I think you're wonderful. Obviously, a very-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you, uhm, would you accept if, uh, do you want me to send somebody like a professional mover cleaner to the house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I mean, if you want, I uhm, I would be happy to pay for somebody if you want to assist you in cleaning up. And uhm, I realize I didn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look man, it just, uhm, it upset me to hear you so upset, and I'm sorry that if, uh, we do make a lot of jokes, and it's always been what we've done, but we've always been-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. And he's not qualified. I, you know, I was thinking about, uh, hurting him. I was gonna punch him the other day, so maybe I'll do that soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well look man, I really didn't, I never wanted to upset you, and I know, I see that you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry that that's what the conversation was. I totally respect that that's your space and that you're not going to be there long. And uhm, you know, I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan. I'm sorry that it came across that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Robert. Well, we love you, and you're right, I'm on a diet, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right, right. Well, first of all, I'm gonna say in the video I saw of you, you look great. You're not wearing anything and you're definitely on your way. You look great. Uhm, also, Drew might need a new pair of Josh's glasses because if you're saying he was seeing things


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That weren't there, don't forget he's older and he's kinda, you know what I mean, like his eyes might be fucked up too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, yeah, no, I know. I know, man. Look, I sense that you're upset. I just wanted to let you know that it's always come from a place of us loving you. And I know that there's these little things that you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you would be open to it, uhm, we'd be more than happy to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can, I can, we can find somebody that specializes exactly...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In what you're talking about. Like if you would allow that to happen, you know, we'd be more than happy to take care of that for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this, Ben? We'll reach back out in a few weeks. I again apologize for anything that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Offensive to you. We remain big fans. I'm going to see a hair transplant doctor later today. And uhm, I will talk to you soon and hopefully,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, we can patch things up, but I just wanted to let you know that we love you, we're big fans, I hope you forgive us, and uhm, you know, maybe you can let us know if you want any help with relocating, anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is very exciting. So uhm, if you saw when I was in the UK, uh, these two guys, two blokes, uh, mates of mine,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geeky Blinders are their name. Uh, they hand-painted Take It Down Psycho shoes. I love it. They're called Trainers. Okay, Trainers over there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and these things, people flip for them. Anyway, these guys made a limited production of that shoe and it is now in the store. So if you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, there's images of it right now on your screen. Can you page through to the right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That arrow is yeaah. You can see like these guys hand painted these. Amazing. Uhm, they're pretty cool man. It says psycho on them. They're covered in like red paint that also kind of looks like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're not. So, if you want them, they're in the store. They're not gonna make any more. Uhm, they're pretty cool if you like collecting sneakers, trainers and what not. Uhm, so, Geeky Blinders, thanks so much. I hope you guys like them in the store now. Another thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you tear the cartilage in your ink, then you gotta get it repaired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody has, you know, like, my friends have been messaging me about, uh, Charles, but I have had nothing but... fat smoker on my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I turned off you on Netflix to watch Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it. That show. It is so good. It is really hard to like, you know, if you watch season one, you go, this is a great show. I mean, it really is a great entertaining show. Season two just leaps and bounds. More, more entertaining, more captivating. I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So live in his house if you clean it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the whole thing is his approach isn't right. For getting the cool maid to move in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think most people who are like, I'm dea- would be like, hmm, I'm kinda scurvy and my twat does smell a little bit. Scurvy? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you live in San Francisco. Oh, crazy. That's headquarters for sketchy women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The drug dealer's roommate moved into my room. Oh boy. He got shot, uh, the next semester.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he wants, well he, I don't think he thinks that a man can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. So, oh, let's have a fucking drink real quick. Let's get ripped, bro. This screwball? It's good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Potter, you wanna try that? Yahweh? Oh. Yahweh? Yaheshua?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peanut butter whiskey is that uhm, you drink it, you stay strong, and it's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Robert Heinz coming up. This blew my mind. Uh, Robert Heinz I only knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As we get in, we'll get into it here, as the, uh, the famous, as the Toby Jones character from his famous viral videos. But the dude was hilarious, fascinating, had amazing stories about being a prison guard, a jail guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, to take us out here, I have a song, an original song. I have it right here. It's uhm, by Toni Welter. Oh yeaah, okay. Uhm, sorry I forgot, we should do our dates first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well also don't forget if you are not yet doing it, uhm, subscribe to our channel on YouTube. Uhm, subscribe to my channel, Tom Segura on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm posting original content, I'm also doing the shows in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, here I start doing shows in Spanish very soon. February 5th, I start in Ontario, California. Uh, the next week,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 13th, I'm in Levity Live in Oxnard. The next time I do it is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The following week, February 20th in Tempe, Arizona,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, then I am in Las Vegas, March 6th and 7th at the Mirage, the Terry Phaetor Theater. That is at the Mirage in Las Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Dayton Funnybone has a few tickets left in March, I believe. Or maybe not. No, it's all sold out now. April, uhm, 9th and 10th. There's still some tickets left in Brea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rest of the shows there are gone. I just added Harrah's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in Valley Center, California, Harrah's Resort, that is, uhm, near San Diego, that'll be April 18th. Uhm, and from then I go back to Spanish shows, the 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, all in Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio. I go back to the Mirage in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm in West Palm Beach in June in Miami, also doing a Spanish show, but the West Palm Beach shows are English speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am really enjoying doing the Spanish stuff. I'm doing the podcast, a podcast in Spanish called Tom Segura en Espanol. I'm doing these shows. It's a lot of fun. I did, I did one last week with, uh, Jesus Trejo, Francisco Ramos, Fabricio Copano, uh, here in Burbank. It's a lot of fun. I really enjoy, uh, doing it. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, of course, a big reminder to, uh, the great Eni here in the production studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really great. And I understand, you know, people should drink. You just, you should do it all day. This is fucking like candy. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so Fart Simpson, uh, made an RPC song, so we'll go out on that. I hope you enjoy it and enjoy Robert Hines, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen up. Reach between your legs right now. Do you feel like there's a forest down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you wish you had a machete so that hopefully a nice person, a nice lady or guy or a lady and a guy can do what they do without any interruptions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's time to go to Manscaped, because you gotta trim away all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Valentine's Day is around the corner. You don't want to be the guy with the bush or the nerd who cut his balls while trying to get ready to get it on. So whether you have a valentine or not, you need to be prepared to look good down there, alright? I remember, I mean, I've done things like, uh, I've taken shears, you know, like actual garden shears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, tried to, to trim around, uh, the hair, uh, my balls and my taint, because I was hopefully that, uh, wishing that this nice lady is way before you. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cut myself and uhm, there was a pretty large pool of blood. Now, millions of balls are about to be nick free thanks to Manscapes advanced skin safe technology and don't use the same trimmer you use on your balls on your face, right? Get yourself the best gift of all this Valentine's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Manscaped Lawn Mower 2.0. It's a gift for both you and her, or him, or Zem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always use the right tools for the job. Your balls will thank you. 20% off and free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use the code mom. Stay sexy this Valentine's day and manscape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm talking about. We're back. We have a great guest with us today. Thank you very much for joining us. Robert Hines. It's been a while. We've been building up to get you in here. Thank you very much for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm excited man. Uhm, for people who don't know, cause I remember, I just want to get it out of the way, I remember seeing a video that you made that went extremely viral, uhm, a number of years ago, and I think the great, like there's, there's different types of comedy videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the ones that's the most fun is when you don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this real or is it a bit? And as outrageous as it might seem to people because it is an outrageous video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like small town commercial feel. There is some, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is some production value to it, but not over the top where you're like, it's sexy and, and it looks like, but it looks like commercials you see like when you do the road and you're in a, you know what I mean? Like you're a small town. You're like, that's why you, when you watch it, you're like, what the fuck? This guy has a barbecue and foot massage place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, this thing has over 15 million views on the original and millions more on all the, you know, copies that were posted. What, like what went into this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really on the line. Yeah. It's like, it's very, like, it seems like you're an enthusiastic barbecue foot massager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we all like, I remember doing uhm, this anti-diarrhea parody commercial, you know, like more, like 15 plus years ago. And like people, you know, like you're saying, can't come up to you with their game and then there's no exchange. I shot a couple things like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, you know, got a fucking thousand views.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're making it, you're like, this is fun. We're having fun doing this, right? It's obviously a funny idea, but there's no way you expect it to go crazy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fun of it. You're not getting anything out of it really. Like I remember uhm, do you know Brendan Walsh? I do. Brendan Walsh will go so far for a bit and like he's done a few things. He's talked about them publicly so I feel like we can talk about them like when a circuit city in Silver Lake


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're talking about Silver Lake. That's right. That is a good way to describe it. That is a good way to describe it. It is avocado toast, 365. That's what's going on at Silver Lake. Yeah. Hemp bags, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, ironic, ironic ones. By the way, you gave me this supreme hat that you said was not counterfeit and it is leaving a red mark on my forehead. Is this real or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Dude, hot chicken sounds good today. I want hot chicken. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that means most of the time though you're eating really healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Isn't it weird though, cause I've lost weight where uhm, you realize that like, that uh, like people stop saying big man. What's up big fella? You're always like, I'm a big guy. And then when they stop, you're like, hey, how come no one's calling me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know you want something and you're like, what? And they're like, you definitely want something. You're like, why? And they're like, cause you're fat. And you're like, oh, I guess. Yeah, I guess. I guess I've shown my work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a favorite food that you don't eat anymore since you've gone so healthy? Yeah, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because here's what I'm saying, if someone was like, you are gonna live to be 90, I'd be like, fuck that. I don't wanna be 90. So I would ask, like, sure, I'd make the deal to be 80. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but if you're like, you're probably gonna die at 62, I'd be like, hmm, maybe I should fucking write out my limited time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinking about food and working out and how much I hate myself and my body. And it's like, oh, it adds up to like years. I've just sat in beds and in cars, just been like, you gotta fucking, your body is shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Danny Brown, uh, the Detroit-based rapper, great guy, uhm, came in here, he told us about making food, cooking in jail, and he's like, I kinda miss some of those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. By the way, you're the only guy that I've ever heard, like, tell a story about Joe where you're like, people are nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's cool. Can I tell you why I think that happened? I think it's because of you. I don't think that that has anything to do with that jail or the inmates. I think they just like you. You're this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny, charismatic, nice guy, and that happened to, that didn't, I guarantee you if I asked the other guards, like, so was it great, they'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the only, like, I talked to two, I know two people out here who did Time Downtown at Twin Towers, LA County. The worst stories I have ever heard in my life. I mean, don't get me wrong. Terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one was in the documentary that uhm, that got real popular on Netflix last year. Which was uhm, was it on Netflix or was it on T, I was on, I forget what it was. I remember what you're saying. Right? Where they uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were using, like, the toilet paper cone and talking to each other. And it was a, this was a, uhm, what's it called, a unit, a male-female facility. So. Jailbirds. Jailbirds. Yes. Was that on, was that on A&E or was it on Netflix? It was on Netflix. Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But these people were like having a, this was like romance shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were doing it through the entire, but then you had to have people help you like, hey man, don't flush right now. So like somebody else would help you get that message down to someone. They pulled a whole string to read a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A love letter on a, and you're like, Jesus Christ, this is all done through the toilets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make them bitches go. Lions, male lions are lazy as fuck. Don't do shit. They got to kill something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, making the, you see what they make weapons out of, like this used to be a toothbrush, this was a comb, like shaving it down, you're like damn, this is a knife now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the wild- what's like the wildest shit you ever saw as a guard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what's funny? It's like whenever you, everyone plays that game in their head of like, what if I went to jail? And cause it always seems like, you know, the worst, like right in your head, you're like, I don't want to go to jail. Jail's gotta be the worst. And I think in your head, a lot of people who think about that scenario, they go, God, I would, I definitely want to be alone. Like, so I don't get fucked with. But every story you ever hear about people going to the hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see it change people? Like fuck with me. Yes. It does. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now wait, when you leave, when you actually left after those nine and a half years, isn't it kind of a relief to be out of that environment a little bit? Like, you know what I mean? Away from the chaos and the craziness of a jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like Freddie Mercury. Really? Singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Jail's always, at least, you know, to those of us who haven't spent a lot of time there, notoriously segregated, right? All jails like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the stories I've heard of here, like LA County, complete segregation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] into two separate segregated areas. Uh, Sureños, like the southern and the northern. So like you, you, when you get in, they're like, what are you? Like if you're Latin and if you're like, I'm Sureño, they're like, you guys are over here. You northern guys are over here. They keep it that segregated because of fear of more violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Oh, so would, uh, would they, would inmates be able to hook up, try to hook up with females? Oh yeaah. Of course. This was Chris's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so one thing though, so, you said about the count, right? The count's got, so what, did you ever, were you ever there when the count was off? Oh yea. And like, did shit kinda shut down at that point? Everything. Everything shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your job is in jeopardy. Did a dude ever escape and they didn't get him? Like they weren't able to capture him? No, they're gonna catch your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you follow the Epstein story? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was also not only in protective custody, also on suicide watch. Yeaah, double. And the guards that were in the area, one left and one was asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, one of my friends was in, uh, Rikers. And, uh, he said he was in the library.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you know, uh, he said that they were all black, and, and he said that they told the guy, like, look man, if you were white, we wouldn't even use Vaseline, we're doing you a favor right now. Wow. So, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, cause you feel like this, it's not the same as jail, but like if you ever play sports, you're just around dudes, right? Like all day, practice, you're on the bus, you're going, and you're like this energy changes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody's gonna be an asshole to somebody. And then you get back, and you like, you see women, and everyone's energy changes. Just shifts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, it's like representing their mom. Man, she was amazing. Check out this kid right here. Check out this kid. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know he's on Instagram. It's all done. He wants you to add him on the ground. The ground. Add me on the ground. Add me on the ground. Add me on the ground. I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's in Arkansas? I don't know where he is. We found a new video of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess they're gonna make some money together. They are. They're good kids. Good kids. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're good kids, man. What is this? Is this DIY trimming? Is that Fedsmoker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this guy, I don't know, his name is Fed Smoker. He's pretty out there, and uhm, maybe I should...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see if I uhm, okay. Like he, he just does what, like he walks up to this cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear about it? He's super aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also, if you're interested, and I'm not, you know, you don't have to be, but he also does haircuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also you save the money from the haircut. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the first one called where he walks up to the guy? Remember what that's called? It's Fedsmoker. Is that called Fedsmoker? I don't know if it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was, I was giving you all of that because I saw a new file titled here and I just don't know what it is, but it says using fire. So I'm going to see what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, you don't have to light your pubes on fire, you maniac. I like how he's explaining it like no one's ever knew that fire would do it. He's like, see, if you use fire, it'll fucking burn hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a couple here just before we wrap up here. So Christina curates a batch of TikToks, uh, because there's, there's some strange things going on on TikTok. Like some people are, you know, kinda doing mainstream stuff and then there's kind of an underground world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uncomfortable, I don't like what he did to his face. Why don't you describe it for the listeners? Well yea, for the listeners, uhm, he has an extraordinary number of tattoos all over his face and not like a design or something, it just works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do not follow this bitch anywhere, okay? I will follow him when he starts going to like, Richmond East Coast Ink Removal Center and starts posting those things. He's like, this fucking hurts! This is my second of thirty sessions!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I do like this, she's like, I've never been charged just once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's specific to TikTok. It's just a TikTok. Only it's a TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been putting out stuff on different platforms for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I have facial hair. All right. This is the last one in the batch, so I hope it's a good one. It's all good. It's coming up. Here it is. They're all good. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just say it. Let's just say it. Asian accents are great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I think we called it House Call. So if you love House Call, Dr. Drew visits RPC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Who do we have this week? Robert Hines? Yea, Robert Hines coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so they probably just didn't like spray it off with the sealant. But this is real. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it's real. Come on, Tom, I wouldn't do you like that. Alright, alright, I'm just making sure, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it's not Fedsmoker. I think it's someone that maybe is a Fedsmoker fan. At least the way that Fedsmoker gives haircuts. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it might be Fedsmoker in the name. I'd say maybe type in the word harass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm gonna miss you guys too. This has been a weird fucking time and now we have homeschooling and both parents have to work and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate everything. And I appreciate also, uh, Nadav is leaving me up under the featured channels on YMH so I'm still on your YMH channel and all that stuff. Always be part of the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great man, yeaah. Well first of all we have an exceptional rapport as well which is everything in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shit we talked about, about uhm, being forced to shower in middle school and everything, like, I've had friends hear that and they all have reached out and go, you know, if, if you did that to kids today, you'd be shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I get why the education, I get why the education I'm getting in the classroom is gonna serve me in life. I don't understand why after gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's my, that's my gold standard right there, alright. That's my gold standard. This right here, it's, you know what, it's funny.