[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you can believe it, I'm really into camping, and if you can believe this, Natasha's not as into camping as I am. That's hard to believe. It is hard to believe. She's a rugged, kinda, you know, wild, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you guys on an airplane? The weirdest thing? Like a memory of something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a great story, but I do have a story. There was a time when I, I, I was gonna, I got on a plane and I started flirting with this girl pretty hard, and like I didn't know her, she was just sitting next to me, and this is actually a very pathetic story, but what ended up happening was we ended up holding hands to New York, and that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I want to be out of the splash zone, yeah. But no, she had a c-section.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Natasha, I don't know for sure that she farts, but I, if that's true for me, I'll either hold it or I will go to the other-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's like, why do I wanna breach that? I'm not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait. What? You're asking me if I would marry my mother? Yeah. No. Why? Cause she's my mom, that's- I find that kind of off-putting. I can't even get around to college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I, that's why I never understand, I watch those racism videos on like world star where there's like the old white lady going like, go back to your fucker. It's like the minute, be racist, by all means. The moment the person you're being racist to pulls the camera out, it's like, walk away, you're gonna lose your job, you're not gonna work at quickie mart anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I yell down, I yell down, I go, that's a driveway. And then she's like, this lady was like, well, it's too big. I'm like, I didn't pour the fucking concrete. I didn't establish this property. I bought it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes, she goes, well I'm just gonna go. And I go, well I'm gonna call the police. And she's like, go ahead. And I go, I'm gonna key your car. She got back in her car and drove away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and pulled into the spot, and the lady was just like walking away, and I just go, I'mma, I said it exactly like this, I go, I'mma key that car, have a nice time in the bank, I'mma key that car, and I just drove away. Of course I didn't key the car, I went about my day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the idea that there's no possibility she would be in the bank not freaking out, not enjoying her time. And that was the price of entry for that party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we had a- we had a funny situation, speaking of conflict, cause I- I sometimes am prone to conflict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were kind of thinking about that, and uhm, the car, the guy in the Uber, he looked like kind of a professor, and he rolled his eyes the moment he saw us. So I should have like known,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something was up, but I didn't quite- why would you roll your eyes? I mean just cause what? We look like snobs or whatever? I don't know what his process was. Whatever. We get in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's possible. So we're in the back of the car. We're talking about the plot to Midnight Cowboy. We're like, you know, what was that? Were they gay? Was that a gay love situation? Like we're kind of analyzing the film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's kind of like haram-fing a little bit, just a littlest bit. And then, uh, it's like an hour ride. We get back to my house and we're kind of, we're kind of going like, okay, Natasha goes, you turn left here. Cause our entrance is not where the, where the address says it. He kind of snaps at her after he goes like, he goes, I'mma turn left because the thing says to turn left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I pulled out my phone, it was just like, click, you know, and I was like, say goodbye to your job at Uber, you know, whatever, and we get out and he's like, cause he, oh that's right, he called me a jackass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he swore. He took it to the swear zone. And I'm like, that's when I started recording. I was like, would you just say bitch? I didn't say bitch. Uh, and he's like, he's like nothing. I didn't say anything. And he wouldn't give me my luggage, right? He's like, she's eight months pregnant at that point. I think it was actually on the way back from the special actually. And he wouldn't give me my luggage. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me my fucking luggage and get the fuck outta here. And he's like, no, no, I'm calling the police. Don't know why he's calling the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you go in the house, I'll give your luggage to your wife. I'm like, I'm not leaving my pregnant wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, super cool. You know, often people would say being cool would be supporting your husband, not an Uber driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He walks out, he's pacing back and forth calling 911. And I'm like, give me my fucking luggage. So I go distract him to Natasha. She's like, what? I leap into the car and pull the trunk open. Now I go to grab my bags. He freaks out, runs over, slams the car shut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way, I'm waiting for the cops. I'm like, the cops for what, dude? Like, what are you gonna tell the fucking cops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, I'm going to tell him that you were, you know, you were obnoxious. I go, okay. And, and he's like, and I, and I, and I start walking away and he goes, and I'm going to tell him that you didn't understand the plot to Midnight Cowboy. What? That's really funny. Absolutely. He won. No question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so as I was walking in, I was like, you better get out of here. I was like, I don't have a gun. What did you say? I think like, you know, or you know, I'm gonna go get my gun or something. I don't have a gun. There is no gun. You said that to him? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm gonna do an ultra close up about my like, my submission fantasies. I'm not gonna shave fully. That's right. I'm gonna have an extremely shiny face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not, not trim my nose hair. The framing is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to tell you, I do wonder if, how true this is. Like if I did see a dude on the street and I was like, hey shit pig, and then I just shit in his mouth if he would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was in Norway once, uh, and I went to the, they have a comedy show in Bergen, and the local comedians found out I was Jewish and were like really kind of titillated by that, and they're like, oh, come with us, you'll love this, look, look. And they brought us downstairs behind the comedy club into this basement, and they go, this was the room where they tortured the Jews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. I'm very used to that because I grew up with it, with my parents being deaf. But, uh, I wonder, I would like to watch my own special with, I mean, I can't ever watch one of my own specials. They're definitely off sometimes. But I talk so quickly that I wonder if the sub-tidal person actually- It's incorrect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. That's bizarre. What's the reasoning? Maybe it's that comedians sometimes miss punchlines and so they want to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute. Yeah, it's clear what he said. A whole minnow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you said, okay, so this is a clip you found, this isn't actually a person


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I tell you what, I challenge your mom's house to write a certified letter with, with half, you, you, you rip a hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, rip a hundred dollar bill in half and tell him if he can tell you the accurate answer to this, you will send him the other half of the hundred. There's no way that dude doesn't want the other half of the hundred. Or actually, if you want to save your money, say that you are a black guy, a black top that loves to fuck, but one thing you need to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, how much did you offer this person and for what? What's substantial?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so, uh, what did you offer that person? What's substantial money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. Alright, can I hear it one more time? I'm gonna weigh in finally, my final weigh in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, vice versa. But I mean, in interpersonal communication at home, I'm brittle and I have a hair trigger. But if she gets on stage and makes fun of my deaf mom, it's all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You will say that, because that's what I coached you to say on the drive over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's not people that I know disrespecting me. It's like strangers. It's different. It's way different. I'm getting better. I'm a lot better than I used to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you stay alive. That's ape shit. Like literally that's ape shit. That's what monkeys do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, yeah, I've been to therapy. Oh yeah. I mean, I'm not like an angry dude. I have a weird thing about strangers disrespecting me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I've got a little part of my- Of suburbia. Of my, uh, from Oakland. Where are you from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You from the town? I'm from the town, and every kid in Oakland thinks that they're like a thug. Obviously, I'm not an idiot. I know what I look like. It's not like I think I actually strike fear in them. You look like E40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but it just comes out anyway. I said to Natasha, me and my friend Jacob joke around about this, anytime I mention the fact that I grew up in Oakland, I'm in a very bad psychic zone, and I need to, like, if I'm in conflict with a stranger and I say, oh, I grew up in, I'm from Oakland, I gotta go. Like, I'm in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you know I've like reverted deeply into my old persona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last time I got in a physical fight, uh, probably 10 years ago. That's kinda recent. Too recent. Yeaah, too recent. Uhm, but, uh, I was really ashamed of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at a comedy show, it's a whole thing, I don't want to do bits because there's so many bits in it, but it's a whole thing, it literally couldn't have been funnier, it was at a Hanukkah show, I had a dreidel in my hand, a guy disrespected me, I literally threw the dreidel at his head, that's how the conflict began, uhm, the traditional Jewish way to start a fight, and we like went outside, and I won the fight, uh, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't love the incredulity in your voice. No, it was at a show at the Edinburgh Castle in San Francisco. It was like a bar show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might have been just before I, yea, it might have been just before I was a touring comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was probably 11, 11 years ago. Yeah, something like that. But, uh. You guys swung on each other? Yeah, so. Fuck. It was a whole thing where, where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ha- So you never watched my special? No. Ouch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he is, it was me, the guy, and the third friend, and then Brent Weinbach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, it was kinda weird actually, cause we were going back and forth, you know, yelling at each other, and then things were calming down a bit. Like, I, I got control of my senses, I was like, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to start a conflict, you're just being super disrespectful in there. Everything was kinda calming down, and the third guy, who was like playing the mediator, was like, it's all good, let's just calm down. All of a sudden, at the end of the whole thing, as things were about to like be over,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the dude, I had been training, like doing boxing training for like a year at that point, and kind of interesting, I never threw a punch at the guy. Like, which is kind of, I think of that as like, maybe that's good, like maybe if I punched the guy, like, I don't know, something could have, bad could have happened. But what ended up happening, we started wrestling around and I like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got him in a headlock. I got him in a headlock and I like choked him out. I literally like, he literally tapped. Whoa! And uh, and at the end of it, you know, and he goes, I go, are you done? Are you done? And this is from the bit. I go, are you done? Are you done? And he goes, I'll never be done!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, I'm fighting a knight. I'm fighting a knight from the round table. And he finally, everything calmed down, everything conflict over, end of thing. There's a whole thing where he had cut me and also bled on me. So it was like, I was like, and he looked in that moment as I looked at his body. I'm like, oh wow, you're like, you are a gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the occasion? Is it? It's a showcase. Is it a Montreal showcase? It's a showcase that I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny too, cause it's like, conflict is so ridiculous, it's like, the guy's like mad, like, you said the word to my mom, like, who cares? Really, get in your car and drive away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. I have no defense other than this. At the end of that fight, I was like so ashamed of myself. Like I was, as I, like, the whole point of that bit is that you can't really win a fight as an adult, because even if you win, you still feel like a loser, you know? Yeah. Like you just, you're not, you don't get that triumphant, like, playground feeling anymore. That's not available after 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but my friend Jesse, who kid I grew up with, uh, kid I probably got into a lot of fights with when we were in middle school, uhm, it's like at the end of the day, like we're all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Society and humanity is real, but it's also an illusion and a mythological like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In reality, we're all like monkeys, we're simian with testosterone and we're just like, it's amazing that we don't come, like sometimes there's just so many people around each other that it's inevitable that conflict will occur between two males.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just have to hope that you're developed enough and enlightened enough to avoid that, that you don't like docs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a certain point, like- Avoiding conflict is a skill and a necessary one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one that I'm working on and I'm much better at than I used to be. But at a certain point, like there is just a, there is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a testosterone chemical reality that when two males are in the same zone and they're challenging each other, like it's difficult for there not to be conflict. It's possible to not be physical conflict. And that's not about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still feel embarrassed. Or I still feel embarrassed. Even when I'm in line. I recently had a conflict with a person very recently, uh, this isn't like a stranger person, this is a person who was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Via Natasha and some other people's urging, I was like, you know, I'm just going to like walk away from this and just like check out of this interaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the end, I felt like, damn man, you know, I had all these good comebacks. So it's like, it's hard to even feel like you win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when I get like heckled, she's like, that was great. He's so funny, he doesn't turn it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me. Men from jail, homeless, or uh, you're a thug, you wanna come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this what I be trying to tell people. I ain't with all these pretty bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like those type of ones that's kinda almost close to us a little bit, but not really all the way us, but all the way us, you feel me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's pretty serious. Serious. It's a heart attack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this what I be trying to tell people, I ain't with all these pretty bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like those type of ones that's kinda almost close to us a little bit, but not really all the way us, but all the way us, you feel me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel me? Like, you gotta have a bitch that you can be like, bae, let's play 2K and she be like, I'm with that. You feel me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the type of girl you need. Go punch that dude in the face. Straight up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's great. You could really save my girlfriend a real nigga. You feel me? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants somebody close to us. But not us. I like those type of ones that's kinda almost close to us a little bit, but not really all of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous, and now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The second I felt the beer touch my tongue, ho ho ho ho. That's like a finger in your ass and an orgy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's kind of what that particular essay is about. Just like, who are the people who are looking for another opportunity to peel it all off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, so I had a syndicated column. It was actually a fun backstory to this book. I had a syndicated column and, uh, my husband took all the columns from the first year I was syndicated. He's very, very creative and like he'll decide he wants to make something and then he'll look up how to do it online. And he presented me for my birthday that year with a hand-bound book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he made himself and he had illustrated each column and he did it cause I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long time ago. We played Tom or Black. We did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the Hooters thing, that was weird. Uhm, I was on the Adam Carolla show for years, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we all had access to the calendar so we could see who the guests were, what live shows were, you know, everything. And all of a sudden...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't about I don't wanna be in a Hooters environment. I think it was that I don't want to be standing next to Hooters women because I feel like I'm gonna be objectified in a negative way. Like I'm not gonna measure up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. I guess that's what I was worried about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just trying to sling some wings, make some money. Yea, make a few bucks. No, I know. Or are they good at eating the beans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think there was a point at which, thank you, I think there was a point at which I thought, it's an empowered thing to do. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you have listeners who do that and feel that it is an empowered thing to do, more power to them. But also, I think the older I get, the more I see it as potentially exploitative and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did it turn out to be true?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how would you, I mean, what would, what would you look for? Like I don't know how to pick good fruit, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you chose her and no one was looking at her. Like the way you portrayed it, it was very sweet. However, isn't the game...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I do, but I think it would, I think I would do it, but I think that it would be sort of like, where you're like gonna hammer a nail in and you're like, uh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'd like wind up, well actually I was always terrible at soccer, so first of all I would kick, I'd miss the balls. But I would try to like really wind up, I'd probably throw my back out and I'd probably just graze them. But I would, in my heart I would want to be kicking them. I wouldn't want to drop blood or bruise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually just, yes I think I could do it, because to me kicking balls is not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I personally am gonna pass. I'm good. I mean, I appreciate his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we only saw him from the back. Whoever filmed this. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's probably been a night, yeaah, I mean a long time ago. Yeaah, cause I used to drink pretty heavily. Really? Yeaah, oh yeaah. Really? I would drink real heavily and I would, if I, whoever I was dating, like it was very vital to me that they come home with me or I go home with them cause I was like, sorry it's gonna get really, it's gonna get real just like that guy. Because I'm like, I don't wanna,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna feel anything tonight. I don't wanna feel these feelings. And if I go home, I'm gonna feel these feelings. So I'm trying to delay, I'm trying to put more time in between now and when I have to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I actually have a, I have a sex question based on something that was discussed on your last episode. You were talking about double pen where, or triple pen where two guys or three guys are in the same hole. Is that real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you gotta do like what my husband says he'll sometimes do if his team at work is putting resistance. Which is? Which is be like, but let's say we could make this work, how would we do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's like doing a real that inside you. Yeaah. That's, that doesn't sound comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and he, his comment was, he just couldn't believe how huge my vagina had gotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just get him out, man. The mirror would have made me like clench everything up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it was while he, while I was still delivering him though. Oh. And I can't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, it's in French. Uhm, that thing afterwards. So I'm like, just say it in the moment, but I couldn't, I couldn't do it. I couldn't say, did you put your finger in my butt? Uhm, and then I've read that it could just be a sensation of like, the baby's head pushing on something, but I'm pretty sure her finger was in my butt. Or maybe you just shit a little. They told me I didn't, and I don't know if they're lying to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that dishonesty. Cause I asked, I asked like right away, did I shit? Everyone said no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it your listeners who think that it's, that doesn't count? Yes, yes. And I say, don't take this away from me. However,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I, I listened a little longer and now I'm afraid that maybe my double pipe classic is invalidated because it happened while I was sitting on the toilet. It wasn't, it wasn't a pure like one, two, three,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Which I feel like is the, the like, that's the platonic ideal of double pipe classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was more like I was on the toilet farting and then I burped and I went, Oh, that felt really weird. Oh my God. It was a double pipe classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't, it wasn't just, it wasn't like non-stop farting. It was, it really was like a fart and then I burped in the midst. So I feel like that should count.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peyton Lafferty. Sorry, who's Peyton Lafferty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is, oh no, that's a bar. Farmer, there's something for farmers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is it Bumble? Is that it? I think so. And then there's one that's just for celebrities called Raya. I've heard of this, yea. Really? Yea, and you have to be, you have to, it's like getting into the Soho house. You have to apply and then, I don't know how they approve you. Oh. Doesn't it make you want to know if you would be accepted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you heard ads for Madison Reed hair color?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is not okay. Really? I don't think that's okay. I know that probably nothing can live on a bar of soap. Nothing. However, were they taking a shower together as she said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just, you should never do that in front of her. I think, I think here's the technicality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, am I really, am I zicking when you guys are zagging? You gotta fuckin...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that probably it is okay cleanliness wise since soap kills germs theoretically, but it's just aesthetically super disgusting. Do not do that in front of someone. What about just lathering up in your hands and then using your hands?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, what do you, I know many people, many people, many people just use washcloths, not I, I just use my hands, I don't care. Poor people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? I mean, why not just lather up your hands and then need your hands?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I do, man. You gotta spread the cheeks, right? Of course. What do you do with the soap, Christina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long have you guys been together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open doors, he's more into closed doors. Yea, that's the one barrier we have across.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It means that if he's gonna go take like a big ol' meaty shit, he would like the door closed and he doesn't want me to know about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it really comes down to it, I don't want him to watch me shit. Yea, and that's the one thing I don't want Tom to know. But you thought you did. I thought I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I wanted, I had this idea that there should be like 100%. I was actually just listening to an episode of, of your mom's house, like two episodes ago, uhm, when they hear this, probably that timeline will be off. But, Tom, you were saying that nothing Christina does could ever gross you out. She's never grossed me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you know, who told you, who revealed that this is what they do, or had you seen it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that was like something falling over or her fart or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, this is too much personal info, but uhm, Christina, you know how you asked how the home search is going? The way that kitchen looks, I feel like we've seen a lot of houses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a bad cough. She has pneumonia. What if there was someone who sounded like that at your show? Oh my god. I've had a crazy, crazy, crazy laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have been for a long, long, long time. Oh, really? Yeah, we sort of, we're like, we're into it, and then we stop, and then we get back to it, and now we're very serious again, but uhm, it's just hard to find anything that, uh, you're gonna compromise in one place. And we don't want to compromise, so therefore, we won't ever own a house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, tropical attire and courage and other phrases that scare me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will be available everywhere. Uhm, it is available officially April 10th and it's available for pre-sale March 21st. So go to allisonrosan.com and I'll have links to where you can get it. Or just go to Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, get that. Everywhere you get podcasts, but a quick way to get it, itunes.com slash Allison Rosen. For Allison Rosen as your newest friend, follow me on Twitter at Allison Rosen and Instagram at Allison Rosen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was like, I fell in love with her. I lived at home until I was 30. I enjoy playing the organ. You're like, this guy's touch too, something's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. Uhm, I need, I need to be fucked a lot, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, thugs. Look, still moving. So Christmassy. What's that shoulder doing? Free rent to get a lease on a key. Fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you're boycotting McDonald's? Yeah. Well, I love their coffee. In fact, it's the best coffee. Right. But they've gone to two drive-through lanes. Yeah. And so what happened is, I mean, timed it, that the lanes, the other day, it took me 13 minutes to get my coffee through the drive-through. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's made of flexible, medical grade silicone that will adapt to your body while its anti-spill and anti-splash design keeps things tidy and mess free. When we tried it out, it was super easy and drip free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus GoGirl lets you be discreet. You only need to undress just enough to give GoGirl coverage. Nothing too conspicuous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all sold out, so it's uh, Columbus, Ohio, so it's Salt Lake, so it's uh, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, uh, I'm gonna be in Spokane, sperm can Washington, May 17-19, Charlotte, North Carolina,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end of May and into June, Mamaha, Nebraska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brea, California, and Breast Falls Beach, Florida. Those are all at TomSkaRow.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, technically, I'm not supposed to, I can't get into the details of it, but I will tell you that there is gonna be a change in my schedule coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I, I got it, I booked a job and uh, like I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got, there's a boy-girl-girl, there's a boy-boy-girl, and then there's like, uhm, I don't know, there's just a couple, like, blow-bangs, but I have to shoot those scenes, and uhm, it's going to make me have to move and lose some live dates, which,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, I can't get into it yet, but as soon as they get the official word on it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will post about it and I'll talk about it on the show. Okay? I just don't have a signed deal, so. But I'm just giving the heads up that it's a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, learning like how the warehouse is laid out and where certain things are, but yeah, that's just how it goes, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a nice look to her, I'll give her that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why they think uhm, that they're the first one always, you know, that does that. It's kind of silly to me that they're like, uh, I did this, I figured out the cum thing first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gum Gum, one of our favorite, uh, uh, products that we took on Shark Tank. And a lot of people didn't even see that episode. No. Apparently, it broke a lot of the broadcast guidelines. But, you know, we sat there with Mark Cuban and he liked it. Yeah. And we were like, you know, there's everyone likes gum. Everyone likes guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About different flavored gum with different guys flavors in it. Yeah. And he was like, okay, like what about distribution? And we got kind of caught up there, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was chewing their gum and they're like, what is it? That's a Chinese guy. That's a black guy. That's a Puerto Rican guy. And they have all their different jizz in their mouth. It was really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. I've laid on my back and shot it over my head and had some, but like, I'm telling you, you kind of move quick. You're like, I gotta get this off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even think, I just was like, uuuh. I always think it's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I'm playing this, I think we've played this before. No, not her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you put this up, yeaah, you wear that and you go, I'm talking about drinking jizz. YouTube, you know you're going to get crazy clips from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since this is uhm, you know, she seems like she's all on board with this. Yes. I wonder if she'd try mine out. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I would do? I would say I have to be there to uh, spoon feed you. You know? I'll spoon feed you. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she would be like holding up like a jar and she'd be like swinging it around like one of those mason jars. Can you believe this is one guy? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know what? I fuck girls for like six different countries. I got eight more to go. I gotta do it. Like he's just trying to close the deal with every country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's great. Great mission to accomplish. And I think he should get a medal for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought the back broke it. It just feels like a nip slip though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of the men are. Look at her, she knows. Poor girl. I feel bad for her actually, you know. You work so hard. How do you not have that shit like triple checked that you're going to be in the Olympics and you're like, hey, uh, I want to make sure my titty doesn't pop out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Look like little end tables. Perfect. Yea. These guys got asses. You can go rest all your keys, your wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said it was pretty, uh, distracting. Kind of my worst nightmare. Yeah, that's some poor girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gina, I just saw this thing that popped up. What's that? You know, we watch that show sometimes where that couple flips houses. Yeah. They split.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't even hide it. He's always like, do you love me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm reading the thing that it says here. Who knows what this fucking means?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be a joyful experience to feel the relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't know, cause sometimes I feel like after I sneeze, I feel like I just jizz. Right, you love sneezing. You get that head rush, a head high, and I can almost go to sleep right after a good sneeze. Now sometimes I sneeze, and I think it's associated with uhm, maybe a food reaction, and it'll,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll sneeze, the sneeze feels alright, but it really fuck up my, my breathing. In other words, I feel...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I just want to sit there in the sun and kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let it sit, you know, I really want to, I mean, I feel like it's almost orgasmic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I'm not asking if you don't relish. I'm saying do you ever get, have a sneeze and you feel kind of lightheaded after a sneeze? No. Never?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm just asking you if like you have the same experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? Yeah. I mean, you're making it sound like you're like, I'm not on board with any of this. And then two minutes later, you're like, I'm actually pretty into these two things. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay. I have to say that I do enjoy pretty much all of them. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also enjoy like a nice long piss, you know? Yeaah, so hate that. But I mean, it's relief associated too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just thinking about it, you know. I feel like I enjoy all the bodily functions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something gross you do. It's kinda necessary at times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I like pooping, so do you. Yeah, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like talking about it. You like it. You like it. You also like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you still enjoy it, you just don't express it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do enjoy it, you just don't express it as much in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just answer it. Here, let me get it. I don't enjoy sneezing. Okay, we press pause, uh, with both paws, and now we're back. This is no good. It's still blocking me. Oh, it's blocking you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's from, uh, the great state of Mena, Wisconsin. And he, uhm, are you from the greater? The greater what? The greater state?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever go just to be like, hey, I got a cold? You see what they could do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, removing your butt, like making your, uh, your, you know, your shit come through your side, whatever it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read, uhm, this book about sociopaths and it said there was a, uhm. This is a cool segue. I want to see where this is going. Disproportionate, uhm, higher number of, uh, surgeons have, uh, that are sociopaths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I can see that. Not that obviously that all are, but just that, like, some of the guys were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't know how, I mean, I don't know how they do it, period. Whether or not they're sociopaths, uhm, it's gotta be hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went and watched a bunch of surgeries one day at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My uncle worked at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I had the bright idea that I wanted to be a doctor when I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is like, you know, I was in eighth grade, ninth grade and I'm like, I want to be a doctor. So I call my,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell my dad, my dad calls his brother and he arranges for me to go to the Mayo Clinic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Jacksonville, which is like, you know, the sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So does your asshole go dormant when it's like not- My asshole? Yea, or like anyone's who has the rerouting, in other words it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was awake. But it was gnarly. And then I kept, you know, went to the next one, the next one, the next one. It was a full day of it. Damn. I was like, I don't know, man, I don't know if I could do this actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but can I ask you since these many years that this has happened, uhm, everything is cool now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's uhm, I guess it's gotta be an advantage and disadvantage at times with your acting too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's both, I guess. Cause you're cast probably because of it. Right. And then you're gonna be not considered because of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No hyperbole, no irony, nothing sarcasm doesn't exist, none of it. Yep, it's good. Sounds like you get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was sent to, uh, that's the original that became oh so popular on this show. And then I actually did a bit about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my latest Netflix special, I talked about Foreign Accident Syndrome. And because of that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of funny to me that uhm, we picked this up on the other one, is that it's not just an accent, but then their grammar. The word, yea. At hospital. At hospital. Make sure you're not alone. We don't say noon. No. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I, like the Chinese accent, she would be, she would say grammatically incorrect things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have to say as somebody who also enjoys accents, it doesn't feel like she's nailing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that accent considered the one you just did, like lower class?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some, uh, sweeter than plum juice and all that shit. Like, you're like, who comes up with this shit? But it's all in the lexicon down there, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven. I was like, so, he was saying, he was like, you said he was going...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Pretty close. Close enough. Close enough. Here's the last one. Hold on. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually always make me crazy. This is all, everything's back to childhood where I would watch, be watching a movie and I'm just like focused on the television watching it. And my sister would just walk in room and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like my hand be like, she's like, hey, hello. And I'm like, dude, can you see that I'm watching something? And she'd be like, so do you want to go or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, hold on, I gotta stop this, I gotta rewind it, like, why would you disrespect, you know, like, why wouldn't you just say like, hey, can I ask you something? Right. It's just always like, right into it. It would make me crazy, man. It would make me fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same thing, by the way, my, uh, siblings would do on, like, if you're on, I'm on the phone. I'm holding it, but I'm like, yeah, so, I guess later, and they would just be like, Tommy, do you want to go? I'm like, Tommy, Tommy, I'm like, dude, I'm on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you don't see that I'm on the phone? Yeah. Yeah, I'm asking you something. Like, why wouldn't you be like, oh, I'll wait till he's done talking on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just hear a loud guy, a guy saying a business call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now look, I feel like you might be able to take my title on this. It's not, I didn't expect this, but I feel like you're so good at this that it might actually happen. We don't know. We'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Johnny Pemberton here for the title. Uh, we didn't know it was going to happen, but here it is, Master of Actions. Uhm, what's going on with this man from Liverpool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a few words in our language that I picked up on, but not that many. Jesus Christ. I know, that's really, really thick. Let's see, uhm, I'll see if I can do this. So, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Previously in a live episode, you listened to someone from my home city of Liverpool and thought they were Scottish. Uh, however, these two brothers make that guy sound like the queen. Just for the record, their accents are abnormally strong. They sound ridiculous even to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, know that they in no way reflect all of us, but that's what made me laugh. Uh, much love, Danny. So, let's even s- I wanna see-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the advantage of having the transcript with me. So let's see, cause I'll just throw in the towel and be like, I don't know what the fuck these guys are saying. Let's see if you can get what these, the first two lines are to each. So in other words, the line that the first guy says and then the reply back. Okay. Let's see if you can get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you're pretty close. You're definitely in the right, the right field. Do you have a guess, Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show it down, show it down. So what happened was, I developed this skill living at my home, growing up, and then it's just, I can't break it. The other one that I can't break, I don't even try to do this, but I swear to you, it is fail proof. Is that if I'm reading something, I don't hear anything. I don't hear a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uhm, but this, this accent though is really crazy. I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of mumbling. It's gotta go. Are we gonna, you know the Oscars are coming up. Have you ever gone? No. That's a fun question to ask someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that, when the nomination happens, do you get phone calls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think the Oscars are screwing up by like really pushing diversity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well speaking of sexy, do you feel like, are you, uh, in, you know, in on these, uhm, the push to make the award shows genderless, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Speaking of some Chinese shit. You know, Chinese New Year. It was a few days ago, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so anyways, uh, just as like a little promo, this is nothing new. They had a bunch of NBA players do a, and like former players say like Happy Chinese New Year on a promo video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what you think, okay? So this is like, just going through it. These guys are just doing like, oh, happy new year, happy new year. And it'll, you'll, you'll see. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's had to issue like, multiple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The edit comes afterwards here. See how they're doing a little transition? And then he's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, I don't think he's, he actually was trying to be like, hey you fucking chinks, happy new year. I think, you know, sometimes your brain just morphs a word out that was not, you didn't want to say, like I don't think he's trying to say it, but he actually says it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that was one of the things that now, later on, they edited out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He restarts. Yeah, yeah. I think because he restarts because he's like, I'm not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the word escaped his mouse, his mouth and his mouse, but I think that he then tries to reset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he's trying to say, with the intent of saying like a pejorative word, but I think the actual five letters, whatever, just popped out of his mouth and then he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a dumbass. I know, he's been doing apology after apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he went further to all our NBA fans in China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sincerely apologize to anyone I've offended. I was glad to do it. I was intending to say NBA Chinese fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying that the, I don't think the intent is there of, of insulting, but I still think that that word came out. I don't mean, I'm not saying you guys should be roasted. Where did he grow up, you think? He grew up in Chinatown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, uhm, learning that in Vegas, basically even the ones that don't appear to have any type of Asian influence or theme,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Casinos are all designed with Asian guests in mind. Because they're such a huge part of the gambling atmosphere. They love to gamble. And so it's like, there was even, MGM did a crazy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like 10 years ago, where they had an entrance that was, I don't know if it was like a lion's mouth or something like that. And a bunch of Asians were like this. It wouldn't go in. They're like, yeah, they didn't like it. And so they were like tearing that shit down tomorrow. Like they, they did it immediately. They, they, they adhere to whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, part of the world wants because they're a big part of gambling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so it's because a German guy, uh, was the first guy that said it, so they, the expression is named...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, we also have to have him, uh, guess. Oh my god, I can't wait. Big news!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Europe for sure. Did you see her jump? No, I missed her jump. Watch her. Which one? The one with the short jacket or the long jacket? Yea, with the jeans right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a roommate that could suck air through his ass and fart. And you know who used to do burps really big like that? Brian and Jeanette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta be sick immediately after that for a while. Five in five minutes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta stretch it. You gotta stretch your stomach. I asked one of the competitive food eaters and I didn't realize, I was like, oh man, how does that stuff pass through you? And he was like, oh no, we can all puke it up. I'm like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so she's got big ol' hangers on her, right? I got huge tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's always had big tits. So a few weeks ago she's like, god, you know, I mean she's always like, my back hurts, these tits are so big, I gotta slice these things off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also thought that actually, we also thought the local Whole Foods would be into it, you know? Right, sponsorship? Sure. Just go in there, drop that big ol' slopper on that food scale, and see what it weighs. But then we realized, ah, you know, maybe they won't. So we ordered a food scale, and we brought it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We brought out the hangers and we put the milk flaps on the food scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's not pregnant. What size, so he knows what he's looking like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a quadruple D-S-L-U-T and now she's an E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think here's the thing, there's two, there's two breasts and we weighed them both separately. I think you can guess, you don't have to be like, the left one is this, the right one is that. You just have to guess one number. Cumulative. Oh, you wanted him to guess the number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your final answer was five and a half. Each. Each meaning 11 total.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna do it standing, where the breast is at where the countertop is let's say, and you just go boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I just want to tell you, I'm not the most more romantic guy or anything, but you got huge tits. That ain't no shit. Thanks man. Am I interrupting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so the grand total of those was like five point, what was it? Five and change. 12.3.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your guess of the cumulative weight was the actual, your guess of the each weight, you would have been spot on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Johnny Pemberton, where can people see you? Besides Action Point movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Oh, that's great. Alright. So, look for it. Look for it. Uh, go see the movie. Action point. Action point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this dingleberry mishap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had a real knack for lifting his left leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were loud. Big man, big fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, please. Which ones? I know which ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't park the bus. You didn't park the bus, you played grateful for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've done it last game, about two weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't park the bus. You didn't park the bus, you played great football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just the reporter, okay? I'm just the reporter. Don't kill the messenger, okay? This is called DICK. D-I-C-K, which means penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go down here and see if we can find, here is the Urban Dictionary. Okay, number one, Dick Soke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, duty. Duty. All day, every day. It makes you always laugh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I've had real emergencies I feel like. I feel like you can almost always find somewhere to go. That's not a parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I've done. I've willed it away many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, as a man, if you have diarrhea and you're like, there's a woman there, I'm trying to have, your body will be like, we will stop this diarrhea. It'll step back inside of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being in a girl's dorm room who was down to do it. And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. It was Mary Lynn Reiszko from 24. It was Mary Lynn. So, but her name was Mary Lynn. And, she, uh, so anyways, I was like, I got a test in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta get back. And I think she was like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, but I was like, I still gave her like a kiss. And I go back to my room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a, like a black pool, like a rotten just pool explosion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so much so that my suitemates, like not my roommate, but the suitemates were like, what the fuck's going on in there? Cause they could hear the explosions and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one of the most horrendous shits I've ever taken. I remember the shit so well. And then I clean up and I'm like, I can't go back there now. You know, like I said, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and also like, then we're gonna do it. It's just like, so, and it would be first time doing it. So, uh, the next day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her friend was like, oh my gosh, you're such a cool guy. And I go, what? She's like, you know, like most guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would've just like, jumped at the opportunity or whatever, but like, you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, I have to, like, she thought I was being respectful. Right, of her. Of her, like, not wanting to rush things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, but I was like, yeaah, no, I know, I am a nice guy. I just respect her so much. I just respect her so, so much. You know, Marilyn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody, it doesn't matter, like he could be whatever, uh, like on his honeymoon and like you still don't want to be like to a girl like, I got a shit bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, they're like family. I mean like Doug and Flynn have been on the road. That's a different level because I'm comfortable. I'm saying like a stranger. Like if it's like you met someone and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I just met you. Oh yea, it's hard. It's harder to be like, I gotta shit, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and I've done that multiple times. I pissed in a trash can backstage one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, you're gonna be up there 60, 70 minutes and you're like, I gotta piss real quick. And they're like, oh, there's no bathroom around here. And you're like, well, I gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, well, you know, just hold it for an hour and change. Oh yeah. No, I'm not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we should establish this. We're jumping all over. Uhm, so today...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had an emergency. Yeah. Our reliable and wonderful nanny who comes on this day always at a certain time. And we do this show usually in a certain window called in and had like some family stuff, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is our podcast, and we have, you know, we have a tight schedule. I'm in town, I'm in LA, 48 hours. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, bad week for this. So actually, and we also had scheduled, uh, Martin Risa, the water sommelier. So it was all like set up to go and then everything got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, I ended up doing, I ended up doing the water session.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, it does. Uhm, it fucks up the whole schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he really wants, I think he's trying to step it up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about like a, a written ad, it's like, you know, he's showing the goods here. He's saying like, this is what I look like, how I chill. I got some nice pillows, you wanna fuck or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can move in here, your friends can move in here. Are you out of jail? Are you a homeless bum? Do you wanna piss on me, beat me up? I mean, do you really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, by the way, can definitely satisfy all of his needs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, I think I said it last week, but I think everybody understands the sentiment, the impulses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But his full home address is like, whatever, 123 Main Street. He's like, that's where I live. If you want to come over here and piss on me for free rent and bring your out of jail friends too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, so, you know, I think I've told stories on this podcast about how as I tour, you know, especially for the first like nine months of this tour, every time I go to a stage, you know, I'm walking onto the stage in some pretty big rooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the applause dies, there's kind of like that moment, right? So you grab the mic, they're clapping, and you go, thank you. Thanks a lot. And it's like, as you're about to start doing stand-up, right? There's that moment. A lot of times it was, Hey Hitler! Right now I'd be like, Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, machines within! People are screaming machines within at these shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I see in here for Machines Within submissions, but we have some new, uh, She's Retarded songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daniel T. Thank you for that one. Uh, this is Retarded Jeans by Patty, Pattyboo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is called, She's Retarded Light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. I like that. Guess who I met on Saturday? Who? Gaping Dad. You're kidding. He came to my show in Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure. And he's made incredible, incredible songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, you know, I told him, I go, I want to thank you for all the songs you've made. You're definitely on our top, you know, top tier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Music, the songs that he submitted have been incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, oh thanks. And then he goes, uh, uh, I'm working on a she's retarded one. And I go, I cannot wait to get out. So I don't have that yet, but, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but I believe Nate from Indie who submitted a great, I think he submitted a Machines Within song, also submitted a She's Retarded song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and he, he's an actual, you know, guitar player and singer. So remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's such an important distinction. Some people are just retarded, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her shit's all fucked up. Yeah, she's retarded man, like, and he wasn't trying to say she has downs. She's mentally disabled. He's like, no, she does retarded shit all day. She's retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. When these songs come in, it's like, it's really one of my favorite things that happens. Really, really, really makes me happy. Can I read this email? Of course, read the email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good question, and I think, you know, sweet, sounds like a sweet lady, 21, young. I think first of all, if uh, if it's her BF, uhm, well first of all, you know your BF. You know what I mean? Like if he's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what stage of BF this is, but obviously it's a stage where they spend the night at each other's house. She's been with them for a while, so it's not like it's a new, new thing. I think more than likely,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he's asking you to shower for the first time and it hasn't been done, he doesn't want to screw that up for the next shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so I think your first time, you have nothing to worry about, like, he's gonna be on probably good behavior, he's gonna soap your back, he's gonna do like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rephrase that, I would say that I would like some, some hot water, not scorching hot water. So I have to move you and turn the hot water down, which is actually saving hot water for you, because I take human showers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need it for a moment. But look, I think it'll probably be a nice thing. And you don't have to, like yea, you soap wherever you want. He's gonna probably-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll wash that and he'll probably, like, try to get a couple grabs, you know, and probably, probably stick his finger in your crack. Uhm, he'll soap up your back for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This gave me a laugh. I thought you might like this. This lady...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, having a good time, right? Yeah. Enjoying the car walk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The interior slide door is closed and I bet you the top window is that elevated position. You know how they have that feature though where you can be like cracked? Like it's not open back, but it's like lifted up so you can have like a breeze of air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think she, uh, she didn't realize that. That's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I'd be so- I'd be just as pissed as she is. She's so- Terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's her car. Damn dude. She's super pissed man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch! Right? It has kind of that vibe. Yeah. Yeah? So maybe her cousin here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was listening to episode 420, I had an epiphany. I worked at a movie theater for years. Once while I was working, a co-worker walked into the handicap washroom and found shit-covered toilet paper wrapped around the grab bar next to the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have spent years pondering how this happened. It is now obvious to me that an armless person had an emergency brown, wrapped the toilet paper around the bar with their highly skilled feet, and then rubbed up on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously after they were done, they had no way of getting it off without getting their feet covered in shit. Mystery solved. Hope this was of some help. Machines within F the handlers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zimzr, uh, in gender-specific way. Hi, Hitlers!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When trying to be sensitive to people's pronouns, what do those who speak big words with gender types in their speech do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spanish, French, Italian have non-Zimzer types in their words built in and will never be able to respect the pronoun because so many words being masculine and feminine, that is fucking brilliant and that is so true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are these languages doomed to be cis scum speech for all eternity? And should we be eliminating them to make sure everyone is safe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he is such a good question as someone who speaks, you know, decent Spanish. I can tell you that you're always constantly trying to remember, you know, as somebody, like I said, I, you know, my Spanish has definitely, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what would they say? I have no idea actually. That's why I'm fascinated by this. How does this whole movement of gender pronouns affect


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that don't speak English because we have been just been tied into the English speaking world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get confused. But I'm interested in the Latin speaking. If anyone out there has any insight into whether Spanish, French, Italian speakers, how they approach somebody who's like, I'm not either gender, how do words then get used? Because words are very much, they have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A, uhm, a gender like tie into them in those languages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hard. Interesting. Where do non-binaries go to prison?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is what this person asks. They say, I heard that in California you're allowed to put a third gender on your license, separate from male or female. So I was thinking, if you're one of those people and you have to go to prison, do you go to male prison or female prison? Thanks, fish abuser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let's say I'm saying, let's say I go, hey I'm non-binary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the state recognizes it. They go, Tom Segura, non-binary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get sent to prison and I go, I'm not male, I can't go to a men's prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because this is such your wheelhouse, I thought I would play this special treat for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's very educational. And you're a reader, you're a learner, but I think it's your type of education.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny that you love shitting and I love jizzing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More mindful, more thoughtful, and more appreciative of your body processing that shit, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you sitting there doing other things you should be thinking about this moment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an interesting topic. Should we be like, I gotta take a shit and then be like, dear God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for, yeah, thank you for this shit. Thank you for helping me get through my system. And then kind of really losing yourself in it, like as it kind of, you know, pushes out. Especially those growlers, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those really fierce ones. I don't know, I mean I think it's kind of interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's people, there's some people that have other people worship their duties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like her, her buddy. They get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said it was a really good idea, but I sensed like some type of, you know, sarcasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm going to, uh, I'll do hoops. And then I'm gonna do diamonds. I'm just gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I think you should have fucking money before you get it. True. That's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And I feel like you won a tat. You've been talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, you have to have it tastefully done. You gotta have to have it done by a good artist. And there's definitely a dignified way of doing it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna, you're saying you're gonna date it? Commemorate it. So you'll be like 8, 16.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you have his face? It always looks good when somebody has their child's face tattooed on them. Never looks bad. It always looks good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe shelve your idea for a while. 20, 30 years and revisit it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think the one you have in mind is actually cool. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you look at my titties. It's cause I have tattoos on them. There's a lot of, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen a lot of tattoos, like if you kind of go down rabbit holes of horrifically terrifying ones near genitals, it's pretty crazy. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Like people have like the devil tattooed above their box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it looks like the devil's mouth is your, is your Bajayjay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, crazy one, like, one guy had a poison, the word poison tattooed on his dong, and then an arrow pointing towards the tip. That's pretty cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or there's a real, there's, if you go, I mean, they're all over, but like crazy asshole ones where it's some, something demonic and then the, the, your asshole is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's drawn on there so that your asshole is the mouth. So it's like, ah, it's like a crazy demon in your mouth. The mouth is, I mean, like, I don't know. And then people have put like funny things, you know, around their assholes, which I guess I appreciate it as a comedian and just as a human being, but you're also getting your asshole tattooed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've seen a bottom of a foot tattooed, which I'm like, that just has to, you know, that's just for you, for your amusement. Sure. But also I feel like that would be painful and not good. Super painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I feel like, yeaah, face is pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one who I would predict would, like if, of knowing the, for the roommates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that lane well because I'm one of those guys. I've been the hot guy and like, I walk in, it's like me, Josh Potter, um, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All my friends. Yeah, we're super hot. Sickler, we're just hot guys. That's how we roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we know the pusses, we gotta knock that shit down, you need help. You can't be like, I can't fuck all this tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got a throat tattoo. Money. Definitely bad decision. I don't care about what you think. It's a bad decision. So he made a bad decision, but he embraced it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, he's selling drugs. Yea, all the chicks like that. He's getting boxed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you were like, dude, he did things to me like I've never heard of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like it hurt, but like, and I cried a lot, but it was like, it was still good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then his hot friend came in and I was airtight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We felt like it was like hanging outside of a bakery, and like, they're like, we're gonna, we're gonna run out of, uh, we have too many cupcakes left over, and you just, you just be like, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what if I hang out and maybe I go get one of those cupcakes? It's like that. Yeah, that's what-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm glad, uh, thank you Blue Band. And, um, yeah, I really feel like, uh, it's very exciting. So normally we would have had Martin Risa together, but we don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, thank you to Martin Risa for coming in. Go to the Patina Restaurant in downtown LA. Thanks for listening. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. You know the deal. You know the tickets are on sale for the tour. You know the merch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys as always for listening to the podcast and we'll see you next week, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this is a nice treat for us, uh, in this case, particularly me, uhm, because, I don't know if, well, I'm sure we discussed it during the episode, but, uhm, we have no, we had a nanny calling sick today, which happens, that's life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, the more important, uh, true water champ of the family, I'm going to enjoy some, uh, nice new waters. We're being revisited by Martin Risa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The water sommelier, um, the international number one water sommelier who, um, also you can, you can visit if you'd like to, you can go and they can make a reservation and eat at a patina, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fun experience, I feel like that was the uhm, it was a funny episode, like when you came over the first time, all these people were like, what the fuck are you doing? Having this guy on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right. What's wrong with you? But then they were all fascinated like, and I've been on this thing too where, you know, I travel a lot, I'm meeting people all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes water comes up. It always comes up when somebody grabs a water. Like let's say I'm going from the hotel or the airport to the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the, uh, you know, the show runner, the person that runs the, the, the theater runner who like will run, help you run errands the day you're in town. We'll stop in and then I'll see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's garbage, dude. Throw that shit out. And then we start having talks about minerals. I don't know, it becomes this fascinating thing where it's almost like there's so many things


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Water is pretty essential, I think. Did you see that an artist made this? Oh, that is cool. I mean, look at that. That is awesome. I love this. Says the water champion, he sculpted that whole thing. Incredible. That is really awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you got a lot of traction. I mean, you know, from the podcast, a lot of people were into that. Did you get, uhm, some fun, interesting messages?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well good, I'm so happy to have you back. Uhm, and I really feel like, too, it's like, it's one of those things where, with water, it is something you engage with every day. So like, even all the jokes aside from our podcast, I mean, you're gonna have water every day. I mean, we are. And I feel like you coming on just opened my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different cities have different options. Where was I? I was just in Texas. And uhm, when I went to, where was I? It was either in, I think it was when I was in San Antonio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Antonio, yea it was. I went to this pretty nice restaurant. We're having a pre-show meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy's like, you know, they're trying to sell us their cocktails. And I was like, well, we're going to do shows. So I said, I just want sparkling water. And he goes, do you want a Pellegrino or a ba ba ba on something I hadn't heard? And I go, I go, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, what's that? He goes, oh, that's a Mexican sparkling water. It's a staple of San Antonio or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, hook that shit up man, let's have some Mexican Spartan water. I love this. So it was like a fun, you know, normally, I don't even know if you hadn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I drank so much water on Thursday night. I went to this, uh, place that had a speakeasy attached to it. And they have, they're like a bourbon bar, bourbon whiskies and everything. And they're having me try Japanese whiskies and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this shit, I mean, after about an hour and a half of doing that- Yamazakis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After an hour and a half of that, I was like, hey man, I need to start drinking some water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think I had like 11 glasses of water before I left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was also becoming the drunk champ, so I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually felt somewhat okay the next morning, I think because I just pounded water. Yeah, it's important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, hold on. This is un- Well you did not even tell me you were doing this by the way, cause otherwise I would have had this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I think we're going to lose our minds. Um, so should I open it up? Yeah, sure. Yeah, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny cause I was about to say to you that like we should tell the audience what caliber restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love garlic breath? I love garlic breath if I'm gonna give a kiss to Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm blown away. Here we go. Let's see what the chef. Yeah, he did a laundry. He likes it. He likes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on, dude. It is on. Uh, that's so nice of you. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, yeaah. That's as cool a thing as I've heard somebody doing. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna do it. She should come down as well. She should. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She, I wonder what she would think of a Michelin star's version of a musub cause that's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waste products excreted by the employees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. I love this. But it was a lot of fun. Next one? Can I go to the next page? Is it the same thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which bottle is it? It's this one? Oh, the one that's in the ca- This is like when you buy high-end liquor comes in a case like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cost intensive, and also, it's not gonna be that, they're not gonna make millions of dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you mentioned, a pretty low. But it's still a distinct flavor or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, it's very smooth. Like very, very smooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uhm, but I have to say that is a very pleasurable


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tasting. In other words, it's enjoyable. I think so too. It's not, it's something that you go like, oh, okay. I mean, it's a satisfying sip of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody could go out and buy it. Where would you buy stuff like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was very interesting. Can I switch to the next one here, the next page?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where this icebergs are collecting. So this ship goes out, picks up, like scoops up almost like a fisherman would be picking up shrimp and just has a boat full of icebergs and then they take that back to some factory and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, what's, uhm, what's this next one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Let's see. Let's give it a shot. Cheers. Cheers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is about it. It's like, it's almost like it's just under the taste I'm supposed to be tasting or just over something that is supposed to be masked. I don't know. It's like, it's like, it's very.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I just had different expectations. Maybe that's it. That might be what it is as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, without being as familiar with waters as you are, when you said 300 and that this would be considered mineral water, I think my brain was also like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is gonna have a taste to it. And then it tastes like very subdued. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. I just didn't taste, I don't really taste much with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine trying to get into the water game, like trying to get into bottled water seems like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would be our game plan? I mean, what source are we gonna tap? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to. It has a texture. It has a texture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny? You're, cause everyone's brain sends different thoughts. I'm anticipating like my, my moment before was like, oh, it's going to be salty. Like that was my, my thought. It's, it's like oil, but like, like smooth, like mineral oil, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like if olive oil was something you could drink, right? It's like a richness to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of the three for me by far the most unique taste. Oh yeah, definitely. Uhm, and the first one's by far the most unique story. Yeah. And also very satisfying. Yes. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so cool. Uhm, yeah man, I'm fascinated. And so again, if you want to try people, cause we got hit up like to, you know, the people wanted me to keep posting about the waters and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aqua Maestro in Fort Lauderdale. Bookmark that. You should, if you are a foodie, if you love restaurants, you come to Los Angeles, go to Patina and you could even possibly meet Martin and try some waters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's that, and then put a reminder in your phone to get Beverly Hills 90H2O when it comes back on the market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a, it's interesting that you asked, it was more of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, or was it a container? Yes. Ah, here we go. I thought so. That's what it was. So a guy, I posted it on our, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When our, uh, Instagram once sent us a case of these different, I think it's called Mir. Oh cool. Uh, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were really cool. Uhm, I thanked him online, I forget his name, but I thanked him on Instagram. Yeah, but it wasn't actually a bottle, it was a container.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Svalbardini? Svalbardi. I can't say it. Svalbardi. Svalbardi. That language is, uhm, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. And you see it written and I'm like, well, it's so intimidating. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. You just wanna drink it. Dude, thank you so much for coming again. Sure. This was so cool. I love when you do this. Always happy to be here. And let's do it again. Anytime you wanna do another tasting. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. Um, let me bring everybody out on this. I got a little song to say goodbye and, um, that's it. Thank you, Martin again for joining us and we'll, we'll have this up again soon. Cheers guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what we're doing is we're practicing Tantra, and one of the key things that most people don't realize is that orgasm is different from the traditional release that comes from climax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of having the traditional trajectory where you kind of get excited and then climax and then go to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I added a show Thursday, December 7th. Here's what's going on that week. Uhm, so far December 8th, the early show is sold out. Uh, the late show has about 100 tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Saturday, both shows are sold out. So we added one Thursday, December 7th in Phoenix. After that, it's, uhm, off to Hawaii. Going to do the, uh, performing arts center in Maui, December 14th. And the Hawaii Theater in Honolulu on, uh, Saturday, December 16th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get tickets at tomscigaro.com slash tour and uh, yeah, scoop them up before they're gone. Jean, what about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, and our great guest today, you may know him from going to church regularly, and he's gracing us with his first time in years that he's been back on our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get this show started. We're going to open the show and we'll get into a whole bunch of stuff with Joey Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we got the, uh, the cat lady here because Joey is a cat man. You know that? He loves cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven. He's like, he's a cat whisperer. Like he really connects with cats. I love my babies. Yeah. And this lady right here loves cats too. She's mad at this neighbor because she's saying that the neighbor is not taking care of the cat, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's really upset. She's saying that he's not taking care of this cat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, was it a, was it a, like, a thing for your wife to get used to? Like, or was she already into cats too? In other words- No, we were together, she had a kitten. That was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, she's one of my best cats. It's so funny to me, like, and I don't know why it's like this, maybe it's like this to other people. Cats to me are just, it's not that I have any issue with them, they're like a foreign language to me. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how to gauge cats. I don't know what to expect from cats. I never grew up with them. I've never spent time with cats. So like to me, like a dog feels familiar. Like I kinda, I kinda know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What to expect from a dog. I know how to approach a dog. I know, you know, I know dog behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much, like having grown up with dogs. With cats, I'm always like, I don't know what, what I'm supposed to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's interesting is that it came to him later in life. Like I would have thought that he was like growing up with cats, but you just figured cats out way later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six weeks, uh, just out of college, and he had two little cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I would just sneeze. Yeah, I don't know, I mean I never, like I said, that was my first exposure, and then they would chase each other in the morning, and they would like run over my face as they were chasing each other. So I'd have like cat scratches on my forehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's almost like you live the day to get to that moment, right? That's really like, you can, I feel like the, I can feel the clock counting down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To that moment later in the day, you know, like when it's 30 minutes away, I'm like, oh, we're going to be in bed doing our thing with dogs, watching TV pretty soon, pretty excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no man, I know. It's uh, being home is, it's like it's the goal now. Like you just try to design your life to be home as much as you can. Because the first fucking 10 years you just live on the road. It's just horrible. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that's great about the road now, when you're a parent, really the moment of it, like the thing you savor,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you know, you have all the freedom to just do nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feeling, especially coming off of work, like coming off of shows, to come home Sunday, have a Sunday at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's also a Joey Diaz lesson. Because before you were even moving tickets, I remember like we were all, you know, like lucky to get work basically, right? Sure, of course. And this is like six, seven years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no, no, none of us are moving tickets. And then I'm talking to Diaz, I'm like, yeah, he goes, are you doing Sunday shows? And I was like, yeah, of course. He's like, yeah, I don't do them. And I go like, how do you not do them? He goes, you just tell them no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was operating from a place of fear. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, what if you tell them I won't do it? He's like, then you, what if they don't give you the work? He's like, then you don't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he said it no so much that then they're like alright, here's your Thursday through Saturday, and I was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, Thanksgiving was, um, was a blast. We had, we hosted at our house. We had people over. Um, we basically didn't do any work, but it was totally worth it. They outsourced all the, to the Hindus and have them cook for us. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I did the Wilber, the Wilber, the Wiltern on uh, on Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. So, super fun. Thanks everybody here in LA that came out to the show. Uhm, also, this is one thing that came in a lot over the weekend was uhm, are you gonna 69 at 69? So, so we did this thing, my dad turned 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had a big family reunion, and my mom, you know my mom was- Florida. Yeah. That's when you went to Florida. I went to Florida. My mom's Peruvian, and she doesn't, she's not up on any of the lingo or anything, so at this big dinner I asked my mom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, you know, dad's turning 70 tomorrow, are you gonna 69 him tonight? And she was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just make fun of her how naive she is, right? So we told people on our podcast that you should do the same thing. Ask your mom if she'll 69 your dad when he turns 70. And they've been doing it in videotaping the reactions for us. I might pass out. I'm gonna play a few of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I also think about? Like when you see some old lady, what if she was like the most prolific dick sucker? Like you assume like, oh, she's an old lady. She might have been like, I used to blow the whole block. Like guys used to just drain their nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you just assume because she's old that she doesn't have any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sexual history, you know, but you might, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know. But that's the thing is that she's gonna, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 18, every guy, every guy on the fucking, uh, on the block got a chance to ride her. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing this research paper on surgery, like just the history of surgery, and they let me go to the hospital, and then they're like, you're gonna witness all these, uhm, uh, you know, OBG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And going like, uh, keep it high and tight, and these two fuckin' nerds were like, keep it high and tight. So like, it's like a catchphrase from our show, and they're calling these two guys, and these guys keep reading it on their news show, like their fuckin' make-believe, Good Morning America style show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They catch on on this next one, and then they, they, they take jabs at us, but they do it in like the hackiest, fucking lamest way. So like they don't say who we are, but they do, here, I'll just play it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In our basement. Alright guys. You know what? You are very funny. Uhm, at Wham13.