[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he has a booger collection in the doorway, she said, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's alarming to me is like, you can go, you go work out and then you don't shower all day long. Like what is wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you'll tell me, like, oh, my nuts stink. Like, I don't wanna hear this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I missed this time. This is like when I watched TV yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I watched old school TV and it teleported me right back to the 90s. That felt cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Local flavor. Remember Crazy Gideon? Same thing. Where you're like, dude, those are real people. Those are not actors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, that's what, that's what always flies on TikTok. Way, way, way better. Yeah. Low-fi. That's what people want to see. Real shit. Cause real stuff doesn't exist anymore. Everything's polished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But might I add the skill level that these guys have with their makeup? I remember the first time we met you Shag, you came into our studio in Rosita, the old, am I allowed to say Rosita? Yea, yea. In Rosita, and you came in fresh faced, and then you're like, you go, hold on, I'll be right back. And it took you about five minutes to get this on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a former goth, as somebody that did pretty theatrical makeup, I'm amazed at your, look at your level of detail, both of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the best, yeah. But that's what really got me into that whole genre. Documentary, weirdos. Gigi Gellin was one of my first love of weirdos. He's right there, he's right next to you, Shaggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are my TikToks. I don't know if you've been on that platform before, but I like to feature the outliers of TikTok. Not the people dancing or singing normal songs. These are the marginalized communities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was, this was from Zolo sourcing. Oh, so this gentleman, you guys are familiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so little known secret, uh, is that lawyers do in fact, right, pick their juries. So he's right. The lawyer has to pick you because you would be favorable to the winning of their case. So if you just go straight up, I don't want to fucking be here. I hate all this shit. Then I'll be like, yeah, go. Anyway, useful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something about going for a burger, and he said, fuck your burger. I'm going to go get it. I think somebody's eating a burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm into on TikTok? I have to start sending you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, like to see how the interrogator befriends them and then breaks them down and gets her to admit things, it's brilliant. Yeah, it's a long play. It takes a real-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a painter now. He's a smart guy then. Okay, so this is a former astronaut and this is what he wants you to do. Just sun gazing anytime. He's advocating you look into the sun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why TikTok is so amazing. It's just the average woman next door making cinnamon bun with her yeast infection. And it's so special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look for other stuff. Maybe in the next video there's people getting hurt the way you like, or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff. I don't know. Try it out. Maybe there's always something for everybody. Just look in these cubes. Squares. Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The world is in peril. It's chaos everywhere. We're not covering any of it. Because we're too stupid. In black, right? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever heard of the Pulitzer Prize? We sure haven't. Go to ymhstudios.com to get your tickets right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome everybody to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm Tim, she's Christine. It's great to be back here. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the way, it's the way to talk to yourself. That's what they say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was, to make this clear, she was like, I'm having trouble. For days. I need something. My sister brought, bumped this out and was like, here it is. You read the box and you go, oh, I, I can't do this. Yeah, it's stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kind of unsure to be honest. I was like, I don't know. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I wasn't sure either. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure. And you're like, should I? I don't know. Should I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I should. But should I? And everybody was like, yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay. We have a lot to talk about. Here we go. Let's open the show. You ready? I'm so ready. Let's gooooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kabam. Don't bother me, you fuck. Don't fucking bother, that's a total, that's a real New Yorker right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York has a lot of these dudes, especially, that stand on the street and they're like, hey, like, can I ask you, what do you pay for your rent? Or like, what do you do? Or what's your advice on like, they just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's channels of this stuff. And some of it's entertaining. It's cool. I'm not like... I like all of it. But uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fun one, but they just kinda like, he just goes up to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, sometimes they're like, uh, and you can tell they don't want to tell. You can tell when somebody's really young and they don't want to say, it's my dad's. Cause a lot of times there's like 18, 19 year olds and like a fucking McLaren or whatever. And then there's, um, then there's the shady people who are like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just acquire and sell, and you're like, huh. You're a drug dealer. And then there's people who have like a story, which is pretty good, you know? But yea, those things are, they're wildly entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. Well, they say like if you're like, if you're young and you want to do this thing, like I've seen the guys go like, Oh, I wish I had done that. You know, instead I did this, but their advice is like, yeah, yeah, go like you want to live abroad, go do it. Or you want to try this thing, go do it. Pursue the thing you're thinking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of family. We actually had a good time. We had a good trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just had a conversation, somebody was asking me, how do you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, how do you do it? How do you like make it through these holiday visits with family? And I was like, oh, I don't stay with them. And they were like, oh yeah, that's, that's a key thing is like, if you have to stay with them, it changes the whole dynamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so you just do like, ah, you know, we want to stay with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to do all this and that, so unfortunately I'll be about 20 minutes away. Yeah. But I'll see you all as much as I can. See you later. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanksgiving week is great for football. There's so much football on it. It's all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you love? What games? No, I mean, Thanksgiving Day, you always have the big, there's always a couple NFL games that are fun. And so, I mean, they weren't great games, were they? No, not, not all of them. But, but then I like college football, so it's, it's rivalry week every Thanksgiving week. So you get to see all the big rivalry games and that was really fun. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also took you guys to the Orlando Magic game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was rad. So I'm playing the Amway Center in March.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we reached out and we got to, we go to the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sometime during the first quarter, we're gonna put you up on the Jumbotron. Like, you can just wave, and we'll just say that you're here. And I was like, oh, okay. So the guy comes, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, puts the light on and then they put it on the thing and I'm like, hi, right? And you guys are waving hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, yeah, and then we're going to do another thing where we put your information on there. I'm like, oh, that's cool. And then they're like, and then in the fourth quarter,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hype squad, you know, that comes out and just like does incredible physical things like dance the stuff, flips, you know, just like crazy, keep people engaged and entertained. There's never like a down moment. Stuff, the, uh, the mascot. Oh, so cute. Yeah, like such, such a, like a legit athlete putting on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ho ho ho, gentlemen. Get ready to jingle and deck your balls this holiday with the help from our friends over at Manscaped. The leaders in below the waist grooming have just launched their performance package 5.0 Ultra featuring Santa's number one helper,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alarmmore 5.0. Manscape can guarantee you'll be stuffing more than just your stocking this season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let your ornaments shine and enjoy 20% off plus free shipping at maskape.com with the code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love all their products, honestly. I trim my beard, I trim my balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pluck eyebrows, nose hair, all the unwanted hair all over my body is manscaped shorn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And use the code M-O-M. Give the gift of Manscaped this holiday season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they grab me and they're like, stand right here. We'll all go out there when this time out is called. And I'm like, you gotta be shitting me. And so they all line up and then they grab our youngest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the mascot puts him on a, an electric ATV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First I did my shot, and I gotta tell you, the guy prepped me, he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, it's further than you think. He's like, put your legs into it. He's like, everybody comes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like everybody comes up short, and I was like, alright. And there's no where to like, practice it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was super fun, but then we had to drive back, and then I had to do the, uh, the 5k, uh, the next morning, which...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, for runners, it's nothing. People who actually run a 5k is literally nothing. They don't blink at it. You know, like that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not even a challenging amount, that's 3.1 miles. But for people who don't run, which is like, I think more people who are doing it, you know what I mean, are not really runners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a motherfucker. Three miles is like, if you don't do that on any type of regular basis. So initially I got a 10 week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like course prep, like training for like a novice to train for one of these things. And I was doing it and then I was seven weeks out and I broke my big toe and my left foot and they go, there's nothing you can do. Like all you do is you, you stay off of it, you tape it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it heals on its own. It'll heal in four to six weeks. And you're gauged for when it's healed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is pain. Feel like if it hurts, it's still broken. If it doesn't hurt, it's fine. You're like, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I do what they say, and I'm trying every week, and I'm like, I could ju- So I finally am able to run the Friday before Thanksgiving. So I haven't trained. I go out and I do, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A mile, I think Friday. Saturday, two miles. Sunday off. Monday, a mile and a half. Tuesday, one mile. Wednesday off. That was like my own game plan. Like run, but don't overdo it. You know, take a certain days off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, but I've never done the three, like at least not in like years. I'm out there and I'm like, okay, I, I, I'm like trying to figure out how to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I get through that first mile, I get to the second mile, and then I just, I want to stop. I just want to walk, like that's how you are when you run. So I'm like, but just don't stop. And then I'll see like some fat old lady, like in front of me. And I was like, you can't let this bitch beat you, you know? So I would, I would just keep pushing. Keep pushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you see like a kid, some fucking kid who runs like duck footed and you're like fuck you kid and you run by him. Fuck them. And then you just, you know you start to just like eyeball people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And use that as motivation. I wanted to stop so bad. But I didn't stop. That was to me, that was to me the big achievement. Like just not stopping. I mean my time was fucking terrible. It was terrible. But I still beat Big Head Steve who had challenged me. I beat him by five minutes which is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, he's a cancer survivor. But the thing is, I beat his ass, right? I took his money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I couldn't beli- like here's the thing, now, this is, this is how this shit fucks you up. Now you know you can do it. So now you're like, oh, I gotta go out and run three miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Because like, you, you, you proved to yourself that you could, yeaah yeaah. So it just kinda like, opens your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the reason I was this out though, was less about the 5k and more about, no, more about the sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got back from the game and by the time I fell asleep, you know, it was probably 1231 and I got up at 545. So like I had no fucking sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the wildest thing, the craziest thing about this. I mean, it's always the, the elite that we're mesmerized by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, there's a path and they close off the street and there's police and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're, we're on, there's thousands of people doing this by the way. So this is when I'm, I'm during the first mile. So this is my best pace of running. I'm running at like 935 pace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm going down this street with, you know, tons of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see one, two, three, four, five, like split up guys running towards us. And they're all shirtless and they're super lean. Like they're, you could tell, oh, these are like real runners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cross country types, like pro, they have the physique. They're the men that are like 150 pounds, you know? And they're just bookin' towards us. And I go, oh, at the end of the street must be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where we're running towards and then they're running, they're already, they already made it to the end of the street and now they're running back, right? Cause you can't quite see where they're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two and a quarter miles in, when we were on the half...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're about to hit mile one and these guys are like about to finish. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get it a few times, and the first, like, once you've had it a few times, you get the free thing, and then you turn, you go, do you want this? Yeah. Yeah, that's what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a human thing. So is like the uhm, you know, I remember I saw this line in a movie one time and it resonated so much with me. I think it was the girl with the dragon tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a line in it about your, I'm gonna say it wrong, but it's like your, your desire to appear polite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lesson we learn over life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are super excited. Next Friday, December 15th, 69 minutes, our first original comedy special comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets are on sale now at ymhstudios.com. Who appears in this special? Uh, Stavros?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rachel Wolfson, Jamie Lynn Sigler, Joe List, Dr. Drew, Duncan Trussell,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Matteo Lane, Johnny Mitchell, Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, Rory Scovel, Kim Congdon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brian Simpson, Ryan Sickler, and Jessica Curzon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A special ticketed event. Usually it's YMH Live or it's Two Bears Live. I just wanted to be very transparent about why this is the way it is. People will ask like, why are, who's gonna buy tickets, why would you sell a ticket to this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So every time you do something like this, it is an experiment. The first time we did YMH live, it's an experiment. This is the first time we're ever doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fully produced comedy special. It's not a stand-up comedy special, but it's a comedy special. And what we essentially did was we made an episode of television. You know, it's a 69 minute episode of television content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, uh, uh, you know, comedy driven. It has tons of segments in it and it takes an enormous amount of resources to make that happen. We're a small production company. This is like writing, producing, casting, locations, travel, sound stages, hair, makeup, audio, lighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tons of time in post production. And so that comes at a cost. And the idea is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so you know, that like, when you buy, if you buy a ticket to watch this, which I hope you do, I'm super proud of it, I think it's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enough tickets bought on this thing, what it really does is it reinforces to us that this is the path, this is something you want to see. Like we're in a unique relationship with you guys where we have a direct to consumer relationship. We don't have to pitch every idea to a studio or a network. We get to make them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if you like it, what it tells us is keep doing this kind of thing. We obviously got the message loud and clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the YMH lives, that's why we've done it multiple times, uhm, and there'll definitely be another one in the future. Same with Two Bears Live, but this is the first time we're trying something like this. So, we're excited about it, uh, we're really proud of it. I think it's really funny, I think it's great. I hope you like it. And that's why it's a, there's a ticket. It's a, it's a $10 ticket. I think it's a really accessible ticket price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think you'll enjoy it. It's really, really funny. Also, Charo makes an appearance in it. Probably the hardest I've ever laughed. Uhm, in, again, all the time she's done something. But uhm, yeaah, that's it. I hope you guys enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty great. I really, really am super proud of it. No, it's, I think you're going to laugh a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, a lot of people to convert there. But...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, the new album. What's the new album called? Oh. Alright, it says new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you back up and just go to the wiki, it probably has... Is this the list?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't think it's a skill that can benefit, like, take exercise and the enjoyment of it out, like, if somebody finds themselves in a body of water, it's beneficial to know how to swim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, life can lead you to places you don't expect to be all the time, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying like somebody who goes, I know how to make a fire. You go, what do you need? But you find yourself for whatever reason circumstances lead you to somewhere where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're in the wilderness, you know, you could have been on a trip and something went wrong, but you have the skill, you know how to make the fire, all of a sudden you're staying warm, you can cook food. You could find yourself in a situation in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you are near or in a body of water, having the skill of swimming is beneficial in that situation. You don't disagree with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, black people can't swim. You know where it comes from? I don't, are you saying, do you? I know where it comes from, yea. Oh, shit, I don't. It's rooted in racism. I mean, that's usually anything from black people. So, what it, uhm, what it originates from is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, no one is DNA like, like predisposed to being able to swim or nothing. It's a taught thing like anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when segregation, uh, became prominent in this country,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had pools that would say like, stay out of here. So black people had less access to swimming. And so what happened was then they would tell their children, we can't swim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear I really wanted to make a rap album, but this is literally the way the wind blew me this time. That is track number one on Andre 3000s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The slang word pussy rolls off the tongue with a far better ease than the proper word vagina. Do you agree? That's track number two and it's 13 minutes and 50 seconds long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Track number three is, that night in Hawaii when I turned into a panther and started making these low register purring tones I couldn't control, shit was wild. That's track three. It's ten minutes and twenty-nine seconds long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's track number 4, it's 13 minutes long. 93 till infinity and Beyonce. Track number 5, it's only 3 minutes and 49 seconds. Gandhi, Dalai Lama, Your Lord and Savior, JC, Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy. That's track number 6.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That will outlive humanity being built somewhere in tech. And you go like, what the fuck? Where it's like, well, you have $200 billion. Like he just does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Andre 3000 has so much clout as a musician, that he can just be like, titles, I'm just gonna, yeah, just write down, and no one's gonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty wild at a shared pool. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I love these chiropractor things so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've gone to one before, but not, not like this kind. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. You know him from his podcast, Stiff Socks. And now you can watch his all new special, Pterodactyl. It's out right now on Amazon Prime. It's Trevor Wallace, everybody. Yes, thank you. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Where did you shoot Pterodactyl? In Austin, at the Paramount. Oh, you did? Yeah. That's great. Oh, it's beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have that famous, uh, viral video about Austin. I remember that, right? I saw it a while ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is very easy. Same though, like, for stand up clips, like, you know, you chop them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one where you're like, it's about kids. Like, you know, having two kids. I'm like, yeah, sure, put it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 19 million views. And then the one where you're like, well, this was like, this is really funny. It'll be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just started. It's the weirdest fucking thing what Netflix does. So, it used to be like they'd go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like two, no, three years ago, almost four years ago. They're like, they're going to give you some data now. And you're like, no shit. Well, here's the thing. They won't give it to your agent. They will only give it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's, it's cool that it's, it's some insight and some, like, you're like, I don't know anything. You told me you're happy with me. Right. Uh, but then now they give you a little, but they, as soon as you start asking the next logical question about more data, they're like, that's enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing that was, like, surprising to me. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last, the one before it was called Ball Hog, and it happened to come out in April?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, you know, this was, well they, you know, they just, everyone was kind of like, these are probably inflated numbers based on the fact that people are just looking for something to, to watch. And you're like, okay. But they're like, yeah, so it's great. Just in case you try to get more money off them on the next one. This was inflated. Yeah. So the new one, Sledgehammer exceeded those and there's no,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can always see, uhm, you ever, like, it can be on, on Twitter or on, I guess maybe Instagram too, but you get, like, liked by something and you hit, you hit, and you're like, oh, this is a, this is a bot. You're getting liked by bots, you know? What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hit their profile, and you see zero...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll message her like, hey did you like, did you like what I posted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is your like, show me that, like you said, like send me a pic of your tits or something. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's a, you can tell that it's a bot response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cool. You report? You're a fuckin' narc, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my algorithm is just mostly accidents and death, like workplace accidents, uh, not just like somebody working in a, you know, factory. Yeah, like the machine malfunctions, the guy gets sucked into his body, got ripped in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what I have like lately though, are people and things hit by trains. That is a fucking cool lane. Cause it'll be something, either a car, or somebody, a lot of times it's someone who's like, hey you, video me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Standing by the tracks. Yeah. And the person who's getting videoed is like trying to be cool, like they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the train, you see the train coming and they're, and they're literally just too close. And then you see the train that is carrying whatever, a million pounds. Just decimate this person's shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a train hit a sheep and that sheep wanted to go out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The probability of that happening, I'm saying, is... Can we see this footage? I think that bird was trying to end it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a guy who's throwing 100 mile an hour pitches and like a bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty amazing. It's unreal. Yea, the first time we ever had Danny Brown on and he talked to us about cooking in jail and how he missed it. He was like, I actually missed some of those things we made. It's the best. Cause it's so like, it just shows how everybody will adapt, you know, to their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's uh, there's these inmates in Idaho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, Christopher Woods, shout out to Unit 10, that's where he's locked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we need. Do you know what would be really fucked up? It's just occurred to me too is that there's so many


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we know famous examples of uh, like catfishing, you know? Yeah. It's like, imagine the person, the guy, that poses as a woman to these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how fucked up that would be. So how do they get that? I'm saying cause you could like pen pal, like this is like to, I think to pen pal with the people, you know what I mean? Like you could really fuck with someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could also be charged with intoxicated manslaughter while driving drunk. Okay, so multiple deals. He's eligible for where he's going to be released in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2029? Yea, for 29 years. No, 2029, which, but that's a long time. He'll still be hot when he gets out. Yea, but also that means that this just wasn't like, that aggravated distinction means that there's gotta be more involved in this. Yeah, it's just not, the information isn't here, but it's not as simple as, oh, I got pulled over last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, is the 41 year old Melinda alive? It just says injured, it doesn't say dying. Oh yeaah, free him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he gave away some, right? He's like, I'm gonna be locked up a year or two. So you know it's not 25 years from now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also, when you're 21, you're putting on more, right, to protect, like you're trying to posture more than like a 38 year old guy who's locked up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No eye contact is also, that's when you know it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Staying, staying fucking in shape, man. Porfirio. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what's interesting is you point out his narcissism. He also says in the video that he's 28, but the inmate Instagram caption says he's 31. So he's actually knocking his age down too. Interesting. That's the red flag right there. But sorry to disappoint you, it's drug trafficking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any good drugs, do they say? It doesn't say. Sometimes you get like a full report, sometimes you just get a little bit. Have you guys seen that Instagram mug shot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think the, the thing, the comments are hilarious, but the, the thing about it is that it really is this, it's playing this thing in your mind if you're like, you go, oh a hot chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like the kind of thing too that you see. It's like you see her photo, DUI, first offense, and then comment like, putting me under her influence, second offense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She met a 61 year old man on a sugar daddy website, trashed his home, stole a bunch of items, dumped laundry detergent on his head after he refused to give her one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, here's the thing, right? This is what's fascinating about this site, I think, is you just look at this person, you don't think homicide. Never. Never in a million years. The eyes say murder, though. The eyes are very vicious, but still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the, to the right, sorry, I'm gonna photo wise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now she's tough though. You can tell this, this chick like has been in fights, right? Like you, you can tell she's got that, that fucking aggression in her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. She's beat up boys before, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, they cover her up. You see what I mean? Like, it could be that it's torn, or it's inappropriate, and they cover her up. Yea, she had the spaghetti straps. Didn't allow it. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this photo too is such a moment, cause this photo is the moment that this woman is realizing, like her world has completely flipped up. Like it's right in this moment she's like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the most fun thing that I've seen though that, uh, they pulled for us is that this guy couldn't get a reservation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you're also, you're young enough and look young enough where you could, they could be like, uh, the son of. Son of. Yeah. Son of a, of the ambassadors here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I would believe. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that cool? We could start having these all over the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But didn't you make, uh, then you get to make your stuff too? Like you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Casey, he's an ex-model and world-renowned life coach and healer who has written books and health about, about healthy teachers. Imagine you pay for a life coach and he's like, let me see your urine. What? Are you not saving this? Yea. Yea, you gotta let this sit in your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, it's extreme, it's good for you man, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hydrated individuals can quickly reach excessive levels of sodium in their urine. Consuming more sodium is linked to increasing your thirst. Higher levels of sodium in your body quickly lead to feeling thirstier by drinking urine which contains a high concentration of sodium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can quickly develop a negative feedback loop in which you feel thirstier despite drinking liquids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I mean also, his skin looks great, look at this guy. And he's fit, fit as a fiddle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you done it? No, I try it. How about your loads? Never, never try to load. Have you? No. I've had it like shot, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, you know. Yeah, the glasses are good for that. Yeah, they're good for that. Sometimes you get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would give you a second chance to absorb the food again. However, a lot of infections.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's rumble, I don't know. It's like the answer to YouTube, so like zero censorship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we gotta wrap, but Trevor Wallace's special Pterodactyl is out now on Amazon Prime, before you can listen to his podcast, Stiff Socks, as well. And follow him on all the platforms. You're on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree with you. I tell people when I speak to them and my friends, I can't imagine one


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure that there are. Most men, if they had a solution that they knew was safe and would leave them symmetrical and undetectable, would make their penis a little bit larger, at least a lot larger or at least a little bit larger. I think every man, they may not want to admit it to their friends, but I think if they could do it in privacy, they would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess you might say that my interesting girth enhancement started back in 2010. Have you guys heard of what's called the P-Shot, the Pripyat Shot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You collect the growth factors and you inject it back into the penis. It was supposed to make the penis grow. That's how it was presented in the very beginning in 2010.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't do that. I sent a newsletter out to 10,000 of my clients because I owned a really large med spa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sent a newsletter out and it was overwhelming how many men responded back, one that had an interest in the P shot. Well then I began to do them and I didn't get the results that I was, that I had promised. So we had to pull that back and stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We begin to see more patients come in that had girth enhancement with silicone and some of them were using a product called PMMA that's basically acrylic beads that's not meant to be used for dermal filler, but it's used a lot in Mexico for dermal filler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was placed unevenly. It was not symmetrical. It was lumpy. It looked really bad. So I knew that people were doing it. I talked to a urologist in Mexico that was doing it and kind of got some ideas of how he was doing it. I talked to a plastic surgeon in Mexico City that was doing it. I talked to some neurologists here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked to a dermatologist here and kind of found out what I thought was working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when we were closed for COVID, um, I began to experiment on my friends. Really? I had some friends that volunteered. Come over, let's have a drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we begin to experiment and I came up with a way to lay the dermal filler evenly and they had a really good outcome. How many injections are laying, are making it even? Like how many? We, so if this were the shaft of the penis, we're going to lay dermal filler all the way down the shaft on both sides. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and we, and it has to be done evenly. And so I teach the urologists that are our providers how to do this procedure. We have 21 locations, I believe now we've got five more that I had signed up and I think I have five more on a wait list to train with me. We'll be at 30 providers or 30 locations across the country before the end of the summer, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you, if your placid penis is here, your erect penis is most likely here. I got you. Okay, if we take you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Each treatment that we do moves you up one step. So this is, these are all quarter inch increments and each procedure increases your girth one quarter of an inch. We're very slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found that doing it very slow keeps the filler in place and keeps it symmetrical. When you try and inject a whole lot of it at one time is when it moves around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good question. So there's two layers of fascia. I'm going to tell you how the erection works. There's two layers of fascia in the penis. One is called the bux fascia and the other one is called the dardos fascia. The dardos fascia is the outer


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the bugs fascia is the inner. What I want you to think about is one of those water hoses that is, um, that is, um, fabric and whenever you turn the water on, it gets, it expands and it gets rigid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then when you turn the water off, it gets soft again and you can move it around. That's exactly how the fascia works in the penis. It's very flexible whenever your penis is soft, uhm, and then whenever it becomes erect and it's just full of blood, that's what it is that makes it hard. The pressure expands and the fascia holds the penis erect. So what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What injectors have been doing was they have been putting the dermal filler between the fascia and the skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it felt like a water balloon. It was very spongy. It wasn't firm. We found out a way or I found out a way to put it below the first layer of fascia in between the second layer of fascia. So here's the layers of fascia. We put it right in between. And that's what I teach the urologist how to find and how to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let me start working on that. Now some people, because I'm sure are curious, what about the head? Can they do? So lots of providers outside of our network do the head. They do the glands, but it's a totally different type of tissue. It's nothing at all like the tissue in the shaft. What if they want that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's, we don't, we personally don't do it at all. Let me tell you why. Because when you inject it in, it can't spread. The tissue is not the same. It's very spongy. It's a very spongy tissue and it's very rich in blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, like the face. It's even, it will dissolve even faster because it's so rich in blood. Um, and so it won't last long and it looks like acne whenever people try and do it. I dissolve it for people because people will have it done somewhere else and they'll come to us for correction and we'll dissolve it out. But we don't have a way just yet to make the glands larger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The females, the research shows that somewhere in here is the best for stimulated in a female. So that's between 5.7, 5 and 6. Like a baby's arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got at least, I've got two guys that are larger than this and I don't have any idea where they put it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes they, they talk me into continuing. Let me tell you some reasons. Okay, so if the penis is getting to be too large and I believe that it's going to be misshapen and it's going to like look unusual, I generally warn the guy. If it's a single guy, then he definitely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does not want it to be misshapen if it gets to be too large because he's on the dating market. People have to be able to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had some men tell me my wife has had five vaginal birth, um, vaginal births and I'm only going to see my wife and she doesn't care what it looks like whenever it's flaccid. I want you to keep going because the more that you put in, the better her orgasms are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is an enzyme that breaks the bond and it basically turns the dermal filler into sugar and water and it dissolves. And so we use that for sculpting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we get to the very end and let's just say that this is a penis and it has a little bit of a little irregularity here on the side, just a little one. I can do just, just a few little droplets of, of hyaluronidase in there and just smooth it out and make it perfect. So we're sculptors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And you're going to look longer when you're flaccid. So if you look at our before and afters, people say, well, look, you did make the, you did make it longer. We just made it hang better because it's got a lot of weight in it. It's heavy. I mean, sometimes I had a guy tell me one time, he's like, I lay down on my turn on my side and I feel my penis lay next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, he was kind of joking, but he, but you can, but you can feel it in your pants. Like people say, I feel, and they say, I feel different when I'm at work, when I'm sitting at a business meeting and I can feel my, can I say dick on there? Sure. I can feel my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my underwear, it just makes me have big dick energy. I had a guy. This is what we're all after. I had a guy that came in last week and he said, you have no idea what this has done for my career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I was stagnant in my career. I was not motivated. Now I wake up in the morning when I'm get out of the shower. I see a completely different person than what I saw before. My energy is different. I go to work. I'm more assertive. I'm more productive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I've heard it a lot. I mean this was just last week that someone told me, but I've heard this many times that people become


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that one on the right. Okay. I'm going to ask you because you're a female. Sure. The left side, would you even want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the far right guy, there's two photos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scroll down. Is there more? Is there more? There are more. But I wouldn't even know that's the same guy. I was trying to get you to the page where you don't have to give us your information. It was the before dash and dash after up at the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, keep going. Those are lots. You know that the BBC Big Black Hawk is not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was long and thin. He was very thin. He said his erections were somewhere down in here and he needed to be up here. You gotta have girth to please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's more black guys on there if you keep going. Let me ask you, Christina, is this? How many Russian Jews are there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a correction. That was, that was uhm, that was a trying to correct something that had happened with this guy's circumcision. Just trying to make it a little bit better. He had some adhesions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well it's uncircumcised, and uhm, it's huge now. Now, so what you're looking at at the bottom, where that little tight ring is, that's actually a medical condition called phimosis. And there's a little, there's a little muscle that pulls the foreskin forward so that when you're a hunter and a gatherer, you don't, twigs don't hit the end of your fingers. That's what you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We're going to inject you exactly the same. Okay. So people do come in. They have days that they're cold. They have days that they're warm. They have days that they've had caffeine or some other type of stimulant that may make them have less blood flow in their penis. A suit of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's, there's things that can happen and they're smaller or larger, but we're going to reject them the same. Gotcha. And their erect change is going to be really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The key to know that you got the quarter of an inch growth because when you're erect, you're erect. And so we're going to be adding a quarter of an inch to the penis, whether it's flaccid or erect. And so they will see the changes every time in their erection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Your favorite dildo. Could you tell me on here where your favorite dildo is? The size?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, Tom, and you said that you think that your erection is here. Let me see. Let me see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it would just be temporarily stretched, which puts the nerves on the stretch, which makes you have had more sensitivity. Of course. So, um, but two treatments for Tom would put him exactly, um, this space and then, and then we determine how many syringes that we're going to put in you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then of course the number of syringes are determined by the length. So if someone has a much longer penis, then it takes more dermal filler to get down the length of the shaft. If they have a smaller, shorter penis, it doesn't take as much dermal filler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean we have a protocol that is step by step for our providers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and everyone that we have is a urologist. We have one dermatologist and one OBGYN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's primarily urologists. I have the top urologist in the country, like they're called KOLs, key opportunity leaders that are the ones who do the best research and are the most published. They have embraced this procedure for the first time because there's never been a procedure that offered safety, efficacy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And symmetry. And that was undetectable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we would, we were just, uhm, featured, uhm, they had this North America Sexual Medicine Society meeting. It was in San Diego. It was all the top sexual medicine doctors in North America come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, one of my providers presented on safety and efficacy. And when they sent out the, the, the email that said thank you all for coming to the conference, they actually put Fallophil and a video of her talking at the very top. So they really have embraced it and they have pushed it out to all their urologists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's thick, I see thickness in it, I can even look at the size of fingernails, I can just, there's just, there's traits that I have put together that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll let me sort of know in my head what they're going to be. You know, I think most urologists are not looking at that. They're just in there to treat an STD or a UTI. They're not thinking about trying to see how to make this penis larger. So I think I've put a lot, I've, I've treated a lot of people and so I've, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of, you know, sexual performance anxiety. There's all kinds of reasons that people can have erectile dysfunction without actually having damage. So we've never had it reported.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like a uhm, the very first lidocaine injection is with a little tiny insulin syringe. It feels like a toothpick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard a urologist say, um, you know, they say if you've seen one dick, you've seen them all. No way. But that's not true. He says if you've seen one dick, you've seen one dick. Because there's never another one like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's coloring, bad texture, uhm, just, there's, some guys are just, were not blessed with the best genetics when it comes to that. And some guys just come in and everything is just perfect. I mean, they want it larger, but the color is perfect and the shape is perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is, is there's gotta be something on a female that, that you said it's not breast, it's not the vagina. Are you a butt man? There's, I mean there's gotta be something. I like butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that feet are important too. And feet is another thing that could guide me to what the penis is going to look like. I can, yeah, people that, people that have nice feet generally have a nice looking penis from what I've seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think just when you could put it all together, all the little, the little attributes. I mean, there's, there's lots of things on the body that I feel like that I, that I look at. I mean, this, there's no science of what I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, of course. I mean, of course I'm not accurate all the time. I mean, I mean, sometimes I'll have a guy that comes in that skinny and little my hands and he pulls it down and I'm like, holy shit, it's long. Maybe not Garthie, but yeah, it surprises me. So I'm not perfect with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they say I would like to have a bigger penis. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, if somebody comes in with a large penis,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I find that there's a problem and there's body dysmorphia and I think that they're never gonna be happy with no matter what I do to them because there's dysmorphia, we don't treat those people. We just tell them that you're not a great candidate for the procedure and we're not gonna be able to do a treatment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's the same structure, it just changed when we were, uhm, in the mother's womb, but it started off to be the same structure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill, what do you think? Was it pretty? Was it a handsome dick? Sure. It had nice color and nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're going to have to avoid sex for 10 days because we don't want the filler to migrate. I patented a post care sleeve. This is the first time that anyone has ever seen this in public on your show because I'm far enough into the patent process.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it really can't be replicated now. And this is our secret sauce. We put this on the peanuts. We have 10 different sizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The gland is captured by that little ring and it keeps the penis extended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have this, this sets us apart. No one else has this post care garment besides us and literally this is the first time I've shown it. Our patients of course have been wearing it for almost two years now but I've asked them to keep it off blogs and to not post pictures of it because we were in the pet process.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that is the girth. So that girth, if you're measuring it, it should come out to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to accept her rejection. Now, here's an example. I was talking to a girl and she said, oh, you know, I'm not really interested. And I, instead of just going, okay, and then just turning away, I did this. Why would you not be interested in me? I'm the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we both had, uh, we crossed paths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Giganbro, you went to, uh, your home country, Canada?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even food, it's a very, very dark and depressing place, but you spent time there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visited your people and then you were one of the few refugees that escaped, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the, uh, the Mecca for Gays, you went to San Francisco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably have. My body is slowly falling apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you really do. You have 20 summers, you should really, that's a good way to look at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll make sure that the final five are spectacular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can be a real decline. 70 is usually like, if you make it to 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With no serious health issues, you're in a, you're in a real special category. Some people do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people do, some people make it through that whole next decade without serious health issues. You're kind of a genetic anomaly at that point. I mean, your genetics play a huge role in how you go out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, here's the thing, it is a roll of the dice. I know. So there were four kids, from his family, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His mom died of cancer, his dad died of cancer, his older brother died of cancer somewhat early, his little sister died of cancer a little early, his, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds good so far. He died of cancer. And then there's one rock biter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still going, in his 80s. Guy's just still grinding his shit out, eating his own teeth. Fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, uh, purple heart recipient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking nom, 600 missions and nom. Fucking still going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a lot of C. Took out a whole fucking family. And then on my mom's side... I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom died, went out horribly, but in her 80s. And then of her, so her and her two sisters are alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of her brothers, there were four brothers, one's alive, the rest dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take better care of myself. I do checkups. I get physicals. I do watch what I eat. I do exercise. So you know, there are things in my favor, but you still, you still throw the dice down and you go like, what's happening? You just don't know. You just don't know. At that, especially when you hit 65, 70, forget it man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, two days later, I will be in Belton, Texas, uh, on March 10th. Uh, there's a Dallas date, uhm, I guess it's, uh, March 9th. That's at American Airlines Arena. Uhm, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We added a second show in St. Augustine, Florida.


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[Assistant] That is on March 13th. The one on the 15th is sold out. So we added one at the amphitheater in St. Augustine on March 13th. March 14th I will be in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orlando, Florida, and I will be at wherever the Orlando Magic play basketball. So, get tickets. TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be in Los Angeles, I think, right around that time too.


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[Assistant] No, that's not what I meant. May 9th, I'm trying to find the date. May 9th, it's in Inglewood.


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[Assistant] Well I'll tell a joke where the whole team used to play games.


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[Assistant] I got something special for you to yeaah. Let's open the show. Here we go.


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[Assistant] All you wanna do is come. Okay? And you don't know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just don't know how to make it. I mean, you know how to do it yourself, but you want someone else to do it, like he's saying.


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[Assistant] And so what you're told is, swallow your pride and shoot your shot. And if you take enough swings, uh, Babe Ruth


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Hank Aaron, guess what? They struck out a lot, but they also hit a lot of home runs.


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[Assistant] And you see if someone goes, guess what I'd like to do today, sir? Jack you off and spit in your mouth. And you might watch this and go, I'm not interested, but guess what? There's a couple chicks out there that are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. This is exactly what I wanna do today.


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[Assistant] He's just like, but you know what this, I think really, this is not going to get you, this is not going to get him what he wants, which is a cool emo chick to do this. This is going to get him an emo chick that's like, I'll do it for $500, which I think that's fine for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm just saying like, he's gonna get the emo chick for hire.


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[Assistant] I didn't believe it at first, and you're gonna think this might be, that you're gonna think this might be like, uh, made up on my part, but I actually believe this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Erotic writing and looking at erotic imagery drawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can do something for your brain that porn doesn't do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and feed you more, unless you're fucking boring, then, the, uh, porn's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your imagination, if you allow it to be, can be a fucking tasting menu.


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[Assistant] So that's what I'm saying, you read these things and you look at it. Okay, so this is a, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, if you're wondering what is he about to read, I'm saying that we have not stopped receiving airtight emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this is the email, it's uh, the subject line is airtight discourse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But female tongue in vag, count. It technically does, uhm, plug it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a tongue in her vag, a female tongue in her vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see what she has to say. Back in my early twenties, in my early twenties ho phase, me, my boyfriend at the time, my male best friend and a girlfriend of mine were hanging out at my apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Us girls went to the bathroom and decided to tease the guys, so we started moaning and rubbing the walls and counter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After a couple of minutes, I open the door, and they're sitting right there on the floor, wide-eyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is pretty good so far. I like it. One thing led to another, and boom, a boy, boy, girl, girl, foursome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a little awkward at times trying to coordinate new positions, but once you're locked and sealed, mama, it's a chef's kiss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also around that time I did a male-male-female AND male-female-female threesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she did this foursome, she did a threesome with two guys, and a threesome with two girls. Or a threesome with a boy and a girl. One of which included a youth pastor. The glory days are behind me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I'm hiding in a hot bath from my husband and kids, at least I've got a catalog of memories to relieve some tension.


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[Assistant] Love the pod, y'all. Crystal, and in parenthesis, never a stripper. Crystal. Yea, gotta tell you, Crystal, I think that's a great email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Credits, we should give them credits. Yeaah, for sure. Kenzie Reeves, Joanna Rivers, and Steve Holmes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came to our show. Oh, right. In Irvine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, here's, you're getting real technical on us here. I think it's not what we were talking about, but I think Crystal should definitely be commended. I mean, she's lived a full life. She was, she had fun. She experimented, she tried things.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Which is a category. The Oscars still award that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not an original screenplay. Exactly. I gotcha.


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[Assistant] I don't think she's doing that. I think you're actually putting this on Crystal. I think she's, she's very clearly saying what she did and what she did.


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[Assistant] Threesomes and foursomes. With boys and girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you tell the audience about your travels?


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[Assistant] For those of you wondering how is that possible, I can tell you why, because I've been in hotels with you and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the morning, you know, let's say I get up for my morning pee and I'll look in the toilet and there's like 40 pieces of toilet paper in there and I'm like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throughout the night, wipe and not flush. So it just piles up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what you're saying? No.


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[Assistant] Okay, let's poll the rest of the boys. Any what would you do in that situation? I mean, you already know what I would do now.


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[Assistant] It just seems like, I mean, do you really have to think twice about it? Not at all. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the, if you do that again, which I don't even gotta say if, when you do that again,


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[Assistant] When you ruin a toilet and shit and leave them a nice shit surprise, just leave a cool hundo. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have the audacity to say that I'm the fucking sick one in this relationship.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's try, let's, let's see if this turns you on. Try to make you feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this guy, if you don't know, has given us a lot, a lot of information. He is, I would say, probably the most positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Voice. Right now. And he's also kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] helping redefine what masculinity really is.


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[Assistant] Uh, and he actually, I'll say this, the guy has a lot of information. He's not just like, do the, like, he always backs it up with a lot of info.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it could be physiological, biological, he has a lot of information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A new video that I think takes it to another level. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can do it and he's, and he's do it, not can, he does. He's enjoying the taste of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that I always remember when we're doing this show is that this feed plays in the lobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we've reached out by the way, just so you know, we've reached out, we've been trying to get some feedback from this guy, so just know that, just know that we've reached out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to know all about this. I want to know the benefits of this. Like I can kind of, I put together kind of what you just did where it's like, it's self love, it's the ultimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. Thank you, Tumbleweed Tommy. And that's one of the things you can't really get on other shows. You get that at your mom's house. A guy jacks off in his mouth and then Tumbleweed Tommy shows you his great country western outfit. And on that note, I think we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And welcome back and our guest you can see June 8th at the Gramercy Theater in New York City. You can also see his special nocturnal admissions on Netflix. Please give it up for Paul Verzi everybody. Thank you for having me guys. Good to be back here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it, uhm, you gag, you gag. Why do you gag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he just probably wasn't, he is what, this is before he gained a thousand pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in jail, we should also point out that. Well actually he was released because of his cognitive level. So, uh, Ron Jeremy was eventually, I guess first it was rumors and then it kind of came confirmed that he was sexually assaulting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Many, many women. This is in his later years. And they eventually tried him and convicted him. But for whatever reason, LA...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess the real comparison is your hand or someone else's.


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[Assistant] Right. The thing about that though, is that every girl in your life always is like, you can do this better than me. Right? Like, like. Yes. Yeah. So that's an interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we've done it, so I've given thousands of more hand jobs than you have, I just gave them to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that like if, for, for blow jobs, if you were like, do you want a really bad toothy, just terrible one? Or do it yourself? I'd be like, let me take over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, but he's just taking loads to the face. That is so not what we're talking about. Like this guy is not blowing himself, he's jacking off into his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I am too. Because you know what? There is an endless...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, he doesn't, he doesn't go like, I don't know, like, just fucking jack a guy off. Like he has so much ammo to back up what he's saying. He just, he's talking about the Spartans and like different warrior groups like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, do you think some of this is true, and he's actually informing you, or do you think this is all an angle just to touch balls and sucks cocks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you know what the ultimate gay thing is? It's to get a straight guy to participate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's why it's brilliant, because it gets to, it gets to challenge something that most straight men actually want, which is to be more masculine, more test, right? So it's like, it's like, hey, do you want to go lift weights? And you're like, yeah, yeah. It's like, well, do you want to do like a, do you want to take a natural pre-workout?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it wasn't, it wasn't in that era thought of as you're being gay. It's that you just, you had sex with whoever was there at your disposal. Yeah, yeah, that's who people had sex with. And we're talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? See, then that makes you go, they go like, what are you, fucking, you're not as tough as a Spartan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's the ultimate way for a guy who wants to get a masculine hetero guy to kind of fall into some gay shit. 100%. And then all of a sudden it's over and the straight guy is like, wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. I can't watch enough Jordan clips. They just, they're, you think you've seen all the Jordan clips and then that's its own lane is just MJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The amount of like, guys who have a story about the time he fucked them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it is pornography. It is like porn, you know what I'm talking about? Basketball porn? It is basketball porn, where they go like, yea MJ was kind of having an off night and then our dumb ass fucking guard said some shit to him. And they're like, he just kind of looked at us and we were all like, ah fuck. And they're like, and then he scored 38 points in the fourth quarter and you're like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the way these people, like with Jordan, the best, like here's the thing, everybody knows this now, but when you think about how some people lock in on things, so the big story is that he, he didn't make the varsity team in high school. Yeah, he got cut. That's great. Yeah, sophomore year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then after his whole, his whole career, like the craziest career ever, the guy changed everything during his hall of fame induction, he's pouring tears and he brings up those, that high school guy. Like he brings up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like left and right, but he's still locked into high school. Yeah, yeah. Like he's like, you fucking cut me, and she's like fucking, and you're like, dang. Yeah. Like this is like 30 years later, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also think that there is no substitute for what you


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[Assistant] I've been watching LeBron his whole life. That's his guy. So I get it. And I can't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm with you, I just, I don't even indulge in the conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the Smush Parker? So one of his teammates in the later years, he did this interview. He's like, he's like, so I get signed to the Lakers and my locker is next to Kobe. So like the first day he walks in and I go, what's up, man? And he goes, you can't talk to me.


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[Assistant] No, because that's my, that's my experience with him. He was just like...


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[Assistant] Don't bother me. Don't, you're not, we're not the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to leave. I left a couple and then you're in the hallway by the OR and you're like, this is fucking madness too. People walking around here. It is, it is like a fucking hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are some people that are fucking gone. And then they get on stage and you're like, the people are like, Oh, that's a competent proficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In society in a normal way. This is it. This is all they got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Agreed. That's wild, dude. That's a scary...


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[Assistant] I did a, I did a run years ago that a guy put together and when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, uh, it was like one of those, like, I mean, really low level runs, you know? Yeah. When I did Oakland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I remember I, you know, he drove me and he's like, here's the hotel. And I'm like, this doesn't look like a good hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, the, when I got to the room, the smell is off. There's parts of the carpet that are cut out. And, uh, and I heard the, it's just, you hear like the chaos in the hall. It was really, it was not cool. And I slept terribly. And I remember I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was checking out, I just went to the front desk and I was like, what happens here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, uh, and she just looked at, I go, this is, this is the most terrifying night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you, you were- I was just, I had to go there. You had to go there, you had to sleep there. I told the guy because it was like, it was, he promoted the run. I was like, dude, you can't, you can't put people here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand it's not going to be the Four Seasons, but it can't be here. This was terrible. This was terrifying. You hear shouting and like, you know, it's filth. It was like, it was like a real, like he obviously was like, what's the fucking absolute cheapest place I can put some, I go, you can't do that, dude. You can't do that to somebody. This is, this is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a sick need. Everyone who does this has some need that doesn't even, here's the thing, you end up having success and getting specials and making a good living and you still keep doing it. Why do you keep doing it? You know what I mean? It's because something inside of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you never totally master it, that's the other thing. There is no final level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the fun thing is like I was in LA and I hadn't seen Kirk Fox in like a couple months and then he watched me do my set and I had like a couple new bits that hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And him telling me that fucking thing and that fucking thing feels better than like any of the shows. Dude, I can't believe you said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then when you said something, it was kind of like, oh, I don't have to say something, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, you could've drank my piss. Gotten stronger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even in like a corner parked away somewhere, it stays there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. It's a traumatic event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know, like, uh, a little before bed sometimes is nice. Edible. Mild. Mild. Not strong. Me too. Mild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got into some, I actually downshifted. Sometimes I'm 5 millitons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And that's enough for me. That gives me like a little, like a little buzz. And that's, that sets me straight. I don't need a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still do that. If I get more than I need, if it's too much, like I woke up the other day where I was on the road somewhere and I had taken an edible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is what I, this is what I liked. I had done my, I had performed, had some dinner, had the edible, go to my room. So my voice notes were all about my set. So I'm actually just trying to work. I was like, you know what you're doing wrong here? That set up is all fucking, this is why it sucks. And I fucking dictate to myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a different era, those guys. Yeaah. But it still holds up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're evil. They're evil, but he knew it. That's an interesting, there's an interesting psychology to that. What do you, what's your assessment of why he loves himself? Cause there's, I'm not, I'm not saying this just because of it's him. I'm saying when somebody loves a president to a kind of like bizarre degree, any president,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you know, like you've been in homes where like they have, growing up, like there's like a framed painting like Reagan and you're like, the fuck is going on? Why do you love the president this much? Why does he love him so much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that that's the thing that people who love him specifically identify with the most. It's the shit talking. It's the fact that it's not a political spin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because no politician talks like that. No politician talks the way Trump does them saying. And I think that's very exciting to people when someone's like, the place is fucking terrible. And they're like, thank you! Like you're saying the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, it's a weird thing when someone loves, like, people like, like love Obama, you know, like love him to a degree and you're like, well, you fucking know him or something? Like, why do you love the guy so much? He's the president. Every president is a megalomaniac narcissist. Every single one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be sick to think I want to be president. You're a crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, but like, objectively, I think maybe like... Comparing to everybody else. Yeah, I think if you look at a lineup of men, you'd be like, yeah, he looks, that looks like a normal man. Yeah. You know? What is he, like a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but now do Gavin. Because, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Gavin's a good- he's like 6'5", too. No, he's attractive. Which sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that also affects your votes, like when they study races over height. People prefer a taller person. People are voting on superficial things. Is this guy good looking? Is he tall? Does he have a firm handshake? It's all nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Ron DeSantis wears these fucking, like, hilarious...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lift boots. No. Yes, dude. And look at they, they like, and they put them, they're like high heels. They're disguised high heels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a small guy. You don't have a shot. You don't have a shot. What are the shortest US presidents ever? Cause this is like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also he had to deal with the fact that everybody was like, you're fucking stupid. Like, imagine, that was the narrative the whole time, with like, you big dummy, you dumb fuck, everybody was like, you're stupid. All the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how much that, uh, the Trump imbalance, people were like, I kind of want this Bush guy back, who they just roasted for eight years. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have, they do it all the time where they stop people, what are you wearing? What's your back rig? What do you do for a living? But you can also just run into him, which is kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's come, when, when you're a producer and you're like, it's down to these two. Yeah. Right. Yep. And you've worked with this guy and this guy and you're like, yeah, this guy's good, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has to be, by the way, to really do that, like to imagine yourself putting a gun in somebody's mouth has to get you so fucking rock hard. Like I imagine...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. Is that real? You can orchestrate this, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, we live in this time now where like you can't put it past someone to create, to manufacture this themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll play the audio with no video. This way you can just focus on, let's see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Uhm, alright. Uh, June 8th, you're gonna be at the Gramercy Theater in New York. Have you done the Gramercy before? Yes, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched an episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Replace them in like cubes or squares or whatever. Just click another one. Maybe you'll find one you like. Or someone will get hurt and everybody likes that. Don't forget to subscribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, not to get deep or anything, but like, I feel like that's like life, like anytime you try too hard, it flops, and then it's like when you genuinely care, or it's like a good idea, it's always that. But uhm, yeaah, I uploaded something last week, I thought it was so funny, it was like how TLC pitches shows, and it's like armed and ambidextrous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just very shareable. Which I get. But you gotta, like, level that. You have half that's like, oh, this was a passion video. It was like the TLC. It was like, oh, I think this is so funny. It's funny for me. And then you do one that's just like, this is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if streamers ever really show you numbers because then you feel like you might have an advantage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. Great. Yeaah. Awesome. The best of the, of all of them. Yeaah. Oh, that's awesome. Yeaah. Did it exceed the number in your head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what are the perks? You get to cut lines at shitty bars in LA, you know, you go to like Barney's Beanery and they're like, right this way, this is my guy, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The algorithm is just to turn a blind eye to them. Cause they're just straight up porn by tagged photos. It's just like show flyers and then tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, ball! I don't- strike! That's so insane. That's gotta be a strike. I don't care if it wasn't. That's gotta be a strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, my Instagram is just, uh, it's literally just hot chicks and Matt Rife clips, so. Pretty cool. That's all my algorithm is. That's the world all in itself. Is that what you like to watch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, I like, I like prison TikTok. You ever watch those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my first thought is arson. He's got the hat for arson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go Grand Theft Auto on a bike. Okay, very specific. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free him! I'm sure I say that for everybody. So, you got a guess? Uuuuh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he did something drunk and maybe took out, uh, part of a family. Good guess. Aggravated DUI. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More posturing, I think. You know what I mean? I might be here one or two if I stay, you know, I might be here for three if I want. It's all up to me. Yea, he's leaving it on his toes. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just melt your brain, it's not gonna be a big deal. He didn't give like LSD vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty fun. Instagram has some gems right now. Have you seen the stand-up clips of like the kids doing the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cool beans comedy. It's kids doing- it's at the ice house and they're shooting their shows but it's like 4k. It's our first set like ever. And the comments are horrendous. The comments are like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in a funny way. Funny way. But like, it's kids doing their first set of stand-up ever and it's shot like a special. It's weird that they're uploading it. Like I don't- That's very weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's hot. Yeah, looks like that Call Her Daddy girl. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's DIY. That looks like the people that would DM you from like bots right there.


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[Assistant] If I was in a band I'd live there. Give me some like dark energy. Some dark vibes. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Like right after graduating or was that a process? Pretty much after graduating. I went to college and that's when I kind of found it out. That's when I started making Vine and doing stand-up. Being yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, well I was just myself because it was like a whole new, like- Where was college? San Jose State, up in the Bay Area. Uh, yeaah, I just like, it was a whole new like slate, so I was just like myself, and then like, that got kind of highlighted I think. Cause I was like the funny guy in the group, but not like funny to the whole fraternity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got recognized once on campus and it was great day. It was great. Huge day for me.


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[Assistant] It kinda like started to die off and then I think they were just pulled the plug on it. Which I think is better. I think how they just kept running its course would have turned into something weird. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. I mean, it was already owned by Twitter, which is weird because you'd think they wouldn't let that die. Yeah. Why, why? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And chunk in time, it's kinda like this Chappelle show effect where it's like, why only two and a half seasons? It's like, why do they, I think if they let Vine keep going, it would've got so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think you can still on your desktop hold up, but the app's not, the app doesn't work. That is crazy that they just go, yeah shut it down. There's none.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll probably like redrop an archive or something in the future. I don't know, there's always like a rumor that they're gonna start a second one, but it's like, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the, we were making it on like not fun stuff, like we were shooting on like a giant news camera. So it's not like the stuff I wanted to make the best of was like the stuff I was making my friends outside of film school on like a little Canon or like a Sony DSLR or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right after that pretty much like moved to LA and then just started making stuff. That's awesome. There's more YouTube videos really. That's so cool.


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[Assistant] Uh, usually if it goes on TikTok, then I'm kinda like, that joke's been like, burned essentially. Like, in that, uh, video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a lot of times if a stand-up isn't like working on stage,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, podcast. Podcasting is great too. And podcasting is great because I'll just like spew some memory out that I had years ago and I'm like, ugh, it's such a good like, I could write that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been doing it for like four years. Four, maybe five. Yeaah. That's, uh, stiff socks. It's me and my buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his parents like, oh I watch Stiff Socks! And the parent's like, what? And I'm like, I don't think you should be. Yeah. You know. Sure. It's a weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, it's not like, uh, a lot of people do think it. But also what's great about that, being called stiff socks, is like, if we ever say anything that you get mad about, it's like, imagine citing that source.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stiff Socks podcast said, it's like, yeah, it's a cum podcast. Yeah, it's about jizzing. Yeah. So if it comes, turns on us, we're just like, yeah, it's just, just cum talk. What do you mean? Cum talk. Cum talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I wanted a title that was like, oh, what's going on here? It leads to a question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like, ooh, it's either the dumbest talk you've ever heard or you're like, huh. Does it play any significance in the show? Yeah, I have a couple callbacks to it and I like have a reference to it and then a callback like two or one or two more in it. So like it had us a nice reoccurring theme to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be like slow though, no? It takes me like a minute and a half to pee. I got a small pee hole. Doctor told me that. Seriously? Yea, he told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't pee fast. I don't pee slow. It's a lot of, you know, it's a lot of people trying to get out at once.


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[Assistant] Gotta keep her fresh. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not good. I'm not into that.


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[Assistant] No. Cause then she's gonna just have to pee. It'd be funny if he had it after. Like a human centipede. Like a human centipede, a piss. Human centipede, yea.


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[Assistant] What do you feel like sneeze while you're in the middle of it? Because, come on now!


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[Assistant] I think it depends what the person before you is eating. Are they high in nutrients?


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[Assistant] The Google on every producers laptop is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably. Do it in like December when you're like not working as much. I think you gotta take control of her diet for like a week if you're gonna do that. Like a week. So what do you do? Cows are like grass fed. I'm like can she be, you know.


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[Assistant] The whole thing? Or just like a bite? I'm out.


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[Assistant] Olly olly oxen free. It sounds like something you would yell. That's your next special name.


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[Assistant] You don't know what rumble is? Really? You're so wholesome. She's like, I'm a mom.


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[Assistant] This thing like, over the edge.


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[Assistant] That girl fucked her up. Oh yeaah, she's pretty.


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[Assistant] Cause he's doing like a retard version.


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[Assistant] My mind went to the lobby too, uhm, but if I'm feeling like a real piece of shit I might just leave the mess and just let the hotel deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that the best option though in this situation? To go to the ho- to- No, to not shit. And just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you go in and out and in and out and in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about exiting at the right time. You know, and I gotta, I gotta, my favorite artist's kinda new one to call it a day. I don't think it's gonna be like tomorrow, but. What's all Wheeler gonna do after this? That is what I'm discussing right now. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like I'm like ready to just chill. You chill in the mountains? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I kinda wanna, you know, we were just in Florida recently, I was like, I could just sit on this beach for like 20 years, and, I mean, I probably don't even have 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Western Europe. Western Europe. Like where? Give me examples. Could be like Portugal, Spain, Italy. Italy. See I need them, I need people to speak in English.


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[Assistant] England, which seems clad. The beach in Florida sounds good to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think it's that crazy there. I mean, it's not, Europe is probably super crazy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kind of like everywhere. You could live in a kind of shittier place or you could live in LeBron's old house. Exactly, exactly. What is, is Austin, Austin's gotten as crazy as Nashville, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's turned into fucking redneck Disneyland. It's just, it's just fucking Jason Aldean's bar kid rocks. It's just people. Yeah. And the airport's just full of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I be rude? Yeah. Bitches in cowboy hats and fuck. What are those shoes that like are pre-dirty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, it's because it's the cool fucking dumb bitch thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I, when I go down, I think they're recognizing me. I'm like, oh fuck, here come, babe, look out, there's my fans. I realize they're just, they're just yelling cause I have a car.