[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had uhm, no, the Baja Steak Gordita had like a cream sort of sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The unbearable weight of massive talent. But I think they're just calling it massive talent for short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the FBI or whoever, Interpol, I don't know, is like, we need your help to take him down. So like, he becomes an actual action star and it's fucking hilarious. I've seen it. You have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's dope. I did a little writing thing on it that they probably didn't use. So I haven't seen...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not yet, not yet. Yeah, yeah. Okay. But I think it's out. But hey, so flowers, by the way, Nick Cage is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reviews have been good. It's a hundred percent on tomato meter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's all I'll talk about. That dude was crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's more shocking in like heavy tone than it is like when we saw Braveheart and like you just saw dudes wigs getting split by broadswords, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I think it was real and they were like, let's keep it. It like brings the audience into it. Who directed that one? It's Mel Gibson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They play it every year on like TNT now. It's the most brutal shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's risen? What the fuck are we talking about? What do you mean? He moved the rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like we put him in this thing, we put like a big rock there. Yo, the next morning, the rock got moved and he was alive again, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very well. Oh, sorry. I don't remember. I definitely can like, I can picture it now on the boat with like that windy ass dry blowjob. Uhm, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fuckin' dope. It's a career, it's a pathway. When you invent the camcorder, are you like, I'm changing everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Oh, I mean like, the movie I constantly talk about on this podcast, Autofocus, where like, Willem Dafoe's characters to Greg Kinnear, like, it's called a camcorder. You can film at home. And he's like, wow, what are you filming? He's like, fuck it. I film sex. That's, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. Shout out Paul Schrader, just a fucking genius who makes the best, funniest movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Paul Schrader did, uh, American Gigolo. Okay. Uh, he wrote Taxi Driver. I was gonna, I thought he was a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wrote Mosquito Coast. He writes movies about men that are their own worst enemy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's always good. Affliction with Nick Nolte. Which one's Affliction? Affliction's about like a fucking cop who wears sick clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's heavy. Uh, and then he just did that movie with Ethan Hawke where he was a priest, uh, a couple years ago. This movie's fuckin' dope. It's called like Revel-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's dope. And Mosquito Coast, the movie is awesome. It's just Harrison Ford, he's dragging his family to like the jungle cause he's like, I'm sick of society, let's just go out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he like starts society and then he's like, now we gotta go deeper in the jungle. And they're like, dad, it's River Phoenix is the kid. It's, it's sick. That's dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe it was Lars von Trier. That was his jump off point. Oh my god, that's another, that's another director who I could just watch all his movies and just be like, god damn it. I watched Antichrist the other day for the first time. Oh, that's the one, is Shia LaBeouf in that? Wait, what's it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about that with uhm, the Northman, but like, he always is, he is so good at, at getting, at capturing things that are, will emotionally connect and fuck you up and put you through the wringer and make you think and all that, but at the same time he also crosses the line and makes you go, dude, why, don't make me watch that. Like in Antichrist,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the beginning of the movie is unbelievable, and gripping, and you watch like, there, it's like a couple going at it, like that fucking, and then their kid, in another room, gets out of its crib, goes to the window, falls out the window, and dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While they're fucking. And then the rest of the movie is the family like, coping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. It's like a passionate, oh, this is the opening like three minutes where you're like, oh wow, this couple's like in love. That's the starting point. Yes, it starts there. It's intercutting between like a couple jamming passionately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And intercutting with a kid. Passion jam? It's a passion jam? Bro, when's the last time you passion jammed? They're like kissing. Oh, I love a passion jam. A lot of like soft bites on the neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it intercuts with just like the kid like piece by piece like oh I opened like the crib like oh I climbed over like hey I moved the chair over to the window, now I've gone to the window, now I'm like putting my hand up trying to catch snow and then it's just like, whoa. Doesn't that happen in Ghostbusters 2?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ghostbusters 2? As well. Ghostbusters 2 also?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She says it's him, she goes, no, it was Yadosh! Oh shit, I missed that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why did he have to dress up as a woman with a baby carriage? It must, I don't know. By the way, the opening of Ghostbusters 2, where like, the carriage goes through the slime, and then remote controls through the traffic of New York City, and Sigourney Weaver's just like, ahh, it's fuckin' dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You're a good dude? I think he's kinda notoriously a little wild. No, didn't you ever watch the Bobby Brown Whitney Houston show? Yeah, it was incredible. Yeah, but he was always the good dude who was like, yeah, I'll take a picture with you guys, sure. Like, or, uh, and Whitney would be like, get the fuck over here. Like, what? Don't talk to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He always came across as a nicer, less damaged person I guess. In public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. But come on though, Whitney was the one who was like, you never ate the doo-doo out of somebody's fucking dingleberries or whatever and you're like, what was that? That was love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she lived, uh, she was a game changer. Greatest, one of the greatest artists of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, do you think we coincidentally pick, there are four, do you think we could coincidentally all pick a different one? Kyle, you're a pink, you go pink, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I can see Adam climbing up on the, the cloth. You know how Pink is always like, hey, if I'm performing, I'm dangling on some, some silks. Right? Adam will get up on those silks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys seen uh, Supreme has a, like a t-shirt drop that's just that picture of Lil Kim like, crouched down, in her panties. Wild. Oof. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I don't even need that. That was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it sounds so much bigger. Yeah, that's the whole point. I get it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, I showed you my closet the other day uhm, where I have all those workaholic relics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have just showed up at the northman. They would have been like, you can leave. You can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about some raw vegans? Cause, uh. Yeaah, fuck yeaah, yeaah, fuck yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, uh, you think Kyle's going just in the off chance that they'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I mean, by the way, if Kyle, if you, see this is where we need to, you gotta pitch this to the athletics. Kyle, you go and put on back, backstage, in the dugout, whatever, get in full catcher regalia, right? Backstage, yes. And then you go out, and then Blake, you throw it right down the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you say. And then Kyle, you catch it, and then you pull the mask off to reveal it's you. Right. And you guys fuck right there in the field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. You're living the dream. Uh, was this another episode of? Yeah, thanks for putting me on a Schrader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Porto Ercole. Porto Ercole. Porto Ercole. Porto Ercole. Porto Ercole. Porto Ercole. Porto Ercole. Porto Ercole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not that bad, really? Nine, nine p.m. is your bedtime. Yes. You're being honest. Pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you had a sandwich for dinner? That's such a gangster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I actually, they kinda like go crazy with the sandwiches, right? That's not like one of those places that puts like the chicken tenders and mozzarella sticks on it. That's fat sounds, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's not normal. You're saying the portion is much too large.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're only getting three meatballs per side, right? I don't know, it depends. It depends how big the meatball is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. With a little room to spare. Holy moly. I hope. I actually just got a subway last night. Terrible one. It's such a dice roll now. Fucking five dollar footlongs are eight dollar footlongs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit that counter. Chicago land, go to a Jewel or a Dominix. Hit that counter, that deli counter, and they're still very reasonably priced. The vegetables are fresh as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know all the hacks. It's like they use old milk for the chocolate milk. They use old sandwiches for the prepackaged sandwiches. They're cutting corners. They're cutting mad corners over there. And you know what they're doing with those corners?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that your, like, cause there's a ton of different sparkling waters I'd love to talk about. Are we about to do this? Yeah, we're about to. Yeah, let's go. Are we about to go on a deep dive with sparkling waters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are the same things as at the grocery store. I don't know which one. They're called ICE. They're called ICE. Yes. And everybody swears by them because they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's zero sugar, there's zero fucking calories, all that stuff, and people are like, hey, this is legit, but I'm telling you, something is fucking up. Like, they're putting crystals in your nuts or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, dude, well I recently did that Disney thing with the, the guy because Perk of the Job, I have a show, Woke on Hulu, check it out, but it's part of Disney cause- Yes, mine was for Shadows, where it's very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello. So I got to do it, which was sick. Did you ride the newest, uhm, Star Wars ride? What's it called? Oh yeah, yeah, I checked it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's a trackless. Magnets. How do they work? A ride. So yeah, it's all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, uh, at this Disneyland. It might be in Disney World though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. I've heard that that's the only thing that even comes close to this Star Wars ride. Like, it's just very immersive and serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's better than roller coasters? No, no, no, no, that's a whole different level. Like if you're a magic mountain boy, like there's nothing that's gonna fucking change that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I wasn't wearing the vest. Don't sleep on the, uhm, Guardians of the Galaxy ride. That ride is soooo-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Santa Clara. It's not there anymore for sure, but they had Top Gun, Days of Thunder, Drop Zone. We had Hard Targets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, they were like the premiere movies. That's Magic Mountain. That's Magic Mountain. We're talking about Great America. It was like the closest one to us in the Bay Area. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that movie made no- that movie made no money. Like nobody knows that's an actual movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fit the ride so well though. I don't even think I've seen Drop Zone and I'm the biggest Wesley Snipes fan ever. Wow. Yeaah. It's good, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrifying. It was on the news, uhm, but it got, I, I don't, I forget, I think like the war in Ukraine was just starting to pop off, so it kinda got buried, but, bro, it was one of those, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worse videos I've seen on the news. Oh, have you watched it? No, like you see the homie like shoot out like- What do you want, fuckin' E-bombs world? Yeah, it's like he's like a torpedo flies out, but the thing that's sad is like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before he like leaves to go off on the ride, he's like, yeah, I don't, I don't think I'm buckled in right. And the guy's like, no, you're good. You're good. This is on like the security camera. Yes, dude. It's all on camera. And then he comes flying down, flies out of the seat and just fucking splats like a torpedo, dude. It's so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I kinda like getting stuck in an elevator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or was your kid by you? Or did you start to- Oh, I don't know, maybe a- A were- a werewolf? Did you start to freak out? Like, did you scare your family? I did, I did. Was it like, daddy? My wife was like, what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if a homie, what if a homie was hugging you and refused to let go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are those dogs? What are the robot dogs? The ones with the legs that are backwards and I still refuse. I don't think it's real. I personally think it's all CGI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my thing. Let me ask you guys. Have we talked about this on the pod? I don't know. Have you, have you guys ever seen one in real life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cyber dog? Yes, one of those Boston robotic- Who cares, still talking about that, good. Uh, uh, uh, robot dogs. Have you ever seen one in real life? No, final answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it, wasn't that the whole thing? Isn't that all like the main geniuses in the world say? Like the way that humans are gonna go extinct is actually from the freaking AI, from like robots killing us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that just makes me want to go to a fucking claim jumpers. It's been a long time since I hit up a damn claim jumpers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but remember their portions are just gigantic. They're humongous. Are they? Yeah. And they have a salad bar. I wonder if that shit's back open. Salsa bars are back, so... Thank you, God. Salsa bars are back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I worked in the food industry. God, you crush. The service industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go, except for, but ramekin is such an odd word, you know. The history of the ramekin word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Buckle up TII nation. We're about to go on the Wikipedia for ramekin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's several ways to say it. I don't even know what fucking word that is, to be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arby's is so fucking good, dude. I'm sick of people slandering Arby's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's been a minute. They're hard to come by. They started to close down. You know they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really pumped on the salsa bars being back. I was super scared by that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like- I don't like the- I like them- I like them all. I don't like the smoky ones. That's like the Chipotle. Yeaah, or Sharky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a time and a place. I don't mind the, uh, the Chipotle like Tabasco sauce. When you go to, uhm, Chipotle and you get the Chipotle Tabasco, that's kinda good. The little smokey style. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you need a hot Chipotle. Cholula? Oh yea, wait no. No, it's like Chipotle Tabasco. It's like they make their own? It's like darker. It's like darker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're going for, we're going, we're just going by chips and salsa, alright? You can't, no more like weird X-factors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when a kid is taking a dump in the curtains and they're just staring you down. Taking a dump in the curtains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know how like little kids go hide to take shit sometimes? I don't let them. In the curtains?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm specifically going back to when my mom had a di- ran a daycare and like little homie would go like behind the curtains but you could still see him and you just know he's shitting his pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can piss my pants. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, can you imagine shitting your pants? No. I can if it's like, you know sometimes when like the coffee hits you wrong and it just drops hella quick and it's like, oh damn, like I'm racing my car home, I'm sweating, like I might shit my pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So legendary. Yeah. Spike TV rocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got, remember, we got the gonorrhea. We got fleshlights for free, right, when we were doing workaholics? Yeaah. It was kind of wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like weird because you had- Someone's gonna be like, come up! You had to pick out what porn star you wanted, right? Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is fucking cool, I wanna cry just hearing that, that's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh dude, this is gonna be a whole new world for you. You don't even touch that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly right. That's why you would be a really good dungeon master. Shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be a really sick writers room if you really laid it out like a D&D game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that's what it is. That's the little tidbit for the day, guys. With the Pokemon, is it Pokemon cards? Is he going down that road? That gets kind of expensive, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he has poke- I think he must be playing the Pokemon card game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah. Poke, like, cause what, like, is it Jake Paul or Logan? One of the Paul brothers, like, wears that Pikachu around his neck because it's worth like five million dollars or something. It's something insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are delicious. Those are like super bad for you though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they're loaded with like sugar and like trans, trans fat? I like, I like any fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this an apology? Transitional, unsaturated. Transformative. Transformative, unsaturated fatty acids. Transformers!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not. Drax is green. I'm sure as fuck not. No, Drax is green. They probably changed him gray because they already had Hulk or whatever. But Drax is green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do think it's tight, you know, you're starting somewhere, you'll get to play more games, you'll be more invested in it, I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So really you got- There's snarks or sharks. You got scared of surfing because you realized that there's sharks, and you're like, I've been in the water enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited for you. What, like, random sport do you guys think you could, you have the skill set enough now that if you put in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where five years of like really dedicated yourself to getting great do you think you could get pro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then also, like, you have to be able to, like, you- you're pretty conservative. Like, you're not- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not- you're pretty risk adverse. I don't know if-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you bluff. My dad is the worst, my dad is the worst card player and he thinks he's good and it sucks cause you're like, I know, I know we play cards with each other and when he gets a good card, his face literally goes, and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm good at foosball, but then I've gone, and like when I was in New York, there's like a few bars that you go downstairs and it's just like 50 foosball tables. And people are just playing. And so me and my buddy Zach, Leonardo, we were down there and we're playing, and he's pretty good too, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we like rolled a few people and were like, oh shit, maybe we're the best here. And then this guy came up and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it makes me go like, oh, I don't have that skill set, but if you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it needs to be something that you have a skill set, that you have a base, that you dedicate your life. You no longer have children, you no longer need to make money, you just can spend all day, every day getting better at this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I don't know, that is true, and I don't know, I'm not saying you have to be the best, you don't need to be the Michael Jordan of paintball, you just need to be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a fake world where we don't have, uh, responsibilities. Where we can just dedicate our time to get good at the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, do you think, do you think like bags? Do you think cornhole or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if you practiced that a lot, I feel like you could get pretty fucking good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you could do this. My, my makeup woman, Leanne, uh, is, she's won the championship. She's won the Westminster Dog Show multiple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet she would say, yeah, if he dedicates five years, he could be professional. Okay, what that? If he dedicates himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, you act like it's, like it's the craziest thing in the world. You could just go to a dog show. What do you mean? It's on ESPN like five times a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, birdwatching, can you go pro with that? Can you be a pro birdwatching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, what an awesome, what an awesome business idea that someone was like, people love CrossFit and shit now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just put it in mud and give them, it's like an adult, uh, obstacle course and then make them pay us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you would walk through a literal swamp as a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so your shoes, your shoes are getting stuck in the mud though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is funny, like as a kid, as a little boy, like how many things that you would do that you're like, chicks are loving this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, they're loving this. For example, my vlog too. Like we used to ride bikes and then just like, just like dr- ride down some stairs in front of girls. And like they give a shit about me like riding my bike down stairs. Cause you're jackhammering?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like rollerblading without the rollers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I was already- and we weren't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I ever grind? No. The first time I did it, I almost, uh, re-snapped all the bones in my legs. So I immediately stopped doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do, you can go like this. Just, you just go at the same, we have to land at the exact same time or else you slip out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so Austin Anderson, one of my groomsmen, you guys all know him, uh, he got, uh, uh, soaps in high school. He never rollerbladed in his life. And he was like, dude, I got soaps, check this out. And I once again think it was the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't, I don't believe. It could be a common name. So, I think, I think that's just a pretty common name. Yeah, fuck it. I was gonna be hyped. He was in the episode of The Strike Season 1 of Orkaholics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was, he was like a young pop star, and so when you look up-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the Austin Anderson from back in the day that was trying to- now he's 27 years old. He's not a child anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that we're not sexy TikTok stars, we're fucking blowing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta lick your lips too, like you're ready to fucking devour something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you could go pro in beard chugging, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I could, uh, for skeet shooting, I think I could go pro skeet shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In five years. I'm a, I'm a very good, naturally I'm a very good shot, I just don't go enough. I think if I did it every day I could get very good. That's cool. That's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything athletic, like I don't think, like I'm too old at this point, like my body won't get to the level, like I won't be a professional basketball player or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I suck. I'm not naturally good at darts. So no, I don't think I would be. Okay, what about pool? I'm not that good at pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But foosball, I have a base that I know that I... I'm starting off...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I notice a lot of basketball players do that too, where it's like they're in the NBA, they're good, but they're not going to make the NBA, uh, you know, the dream team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it rules. And also it didn't come out when we were kids, we were adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just got newer checked. It's the newest rift punked. In this universe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to give my flowers to Ders for not believing in himself at all, uh, to get at a pro level in anything in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just murdered Keanu Reeves basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, you can't set it up and then try to dodge the, the sing. Alright, alright, alright, here we go. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, with the flourishes. He put a little flourish. Yeah, it sounded real. Yeah, he put a little flourish on it. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, that was nice. That was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just caramel, right? Or caramel? Caramel? How do you say it? I don't know, I say it both ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're buying that. You're buying that for the fam over the Christmas. Good job, Reese's. And feel free, Reese's. Like, no shots fired against Folgers. I like, you know, I actually don't really like Folgers. But, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where, uh, my dad hides his weed in a, in an old Folger's can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why he, I don't know why he hides it, cause who's he hiding it from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is like, you know, it's uh, the older generation is still thinking that they're gonna go to prison with like, $11 of weed on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's done though, right? I love weed, and I love weed, uh, like, here in California, it's fun, all the other things, like having CAN, you know, the company that I invested in, having, like, having that be a legal thing that you could go to the store and buy, or any of the like little cookies that you can go buy, and little candies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but there is something pretty special about when he was illegal and you had to be like breaking the law on the side of like your mom's house, quick, uh, quick, uh, taking a few rips before you had family dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember as a really young kid, smelling, like my mom wouldn't let me go downstairs when my dad was with his brothers. And they'd be down there and they were obviously smoking weed. But what they would do is also just chain smoke cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To mask the smell, so I never really noticed the weed smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was that strong. I would be like, oh, this cigarette smell smells different than it normally does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you think you should start to smoke to, again, to sort of mask the weed smell, or you just- I agree. Wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was very surprised about weed when, cause my dad obviously just, uh, was dealing with cancer all of last year, and he was like, I just wanna see if I could smoke weed, and then we're like, dad, you're not gonna be able to smoke weed, you have fucking lung cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the doctor, we're all facetiming because of COVID, with the doctor, my dad's in there holding up the phone, doing a piss poor job of it by the way, and, uh, and the doctor, we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asking all these questions and then my dad doesn't have one question about his own health and then at the very end was like, I got a question and we're like, oh, he's like, okay, this should be good. All right, good. He's invested. And then he's like, can I smoke weed? And the doctor was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that that would be okay, uh, because the carcinogen levels are so low and what we're about to put you through, it'll knock that out right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dog's glitchin'. Yeah. Uh, well how much weed did- I feel good! Did, uh, the dog eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was definitely Cheech. It was definitely Cheech. It was Cheech. Blake's right. I never met with, uh, Cheech Marin. I met with Tommy Chong. That's the only person I've ever met with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's been a long time since I've gotten, like, obliterated on weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I've been, I've been so, like now I know the amount that I like to smoke, uh, and just feel good. Yes. But it's been a long time since I've been like around a group and instead of like going like, hey we're gonna have some drinks, we'll smoke a little bit of weed, we'll do this. It's been a long time since I've been like, alright we're gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hotbox this tent, or whatever. Get stoned? Yeah, we're gonna, oh, wear this gas mask and get fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, not really. I smoke the same amount. I smoke almost every day, almost every night. For sure. But I don't, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't go all out anymore on 420. Which is sad. Which is sad. And I want that back in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, uh, I can't act when I'm really high. Cause I get two in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my, I, I, you know, I've tried it a few times and I, when I watch the performance back, I'm like, oh, I'm too...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can tell that I'm high, and it's, it's, it makes the performance a little wonky, at least for me. But, I mean, I did it, like, when I was first starting out doing stand-up, and then I've never done it again, just cause I was like, I know a lot of comics that do get high before shows, and they love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I was like, okay, maybe I'll try that. And so it was like when I was like open micing, it was like six months into doing standard put, I'm like, you know, 20 years old or 19. And, uh, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my friends, my friends in the back of the club were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well they knew that I, I, I had smoked with them. Yeah. And so they knew that I was trying this for the first time and they were like, yeah, maybe that's not your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you shouldn't get high right before, because I think if your delivery is really slow and you, and the way you tell stories is really slow and deliberate, when my shit is coming at you pretty rapid fire, you're not really getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely got super high before, uh, hosting Ellen yesterday though, Ders. Really? You did? No, no, no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, post shit. They got it out of me. They were kind of- Right after he pooped. The whole production crew. So hosted Ellen yesterday. It was really fun. We did two shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, quickly. But yea, they, uh, the whole like production staff was in the hallway when I came out of my dressing room like, Let's go Adam! Like I'm an elementary school kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, just hang on. They must do that for all the guest stars, uh, or guest hosts, because, I mean, I've done Ellen like a half dozen times and I've never gotten an applause, an applause hallway before, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Ders came out and I'm like, I'm like, come on Ders, dance with me. And you can just tell Ders didn't really want to dance that much, but he gave me a few wiggles. I appreciate them wiggles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to do it a little too long just to make Ders a little uncomfortable about dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if, uh, a little, ooooh, a little bump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well the thing is, is you forget. Like, uh. Blake forgets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What those daytime talk shows are, are, you know, people staying at home with their kids, raising their kids, a lot of moms, you know, staying at home with their kids, a lot of young moms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not all, they're not all 70 year olds, uh, at home. And they love this stuff. I get that though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, did a uhm. Was he? Yea, I thought he did for a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. I think you could get, I think all of us could get there though. I mean, because it's, it's- As long as we're not smoking on set. Well that is true. But it's like when so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were like, in the rhythm, you know, coming back from the pandemic, and then getting back into, you know, the show, like, with, for me, The Right Stemstones, uh, I felt rusty the first couple days, and then I started to find my rhythm, and then, later in the season,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could memorize much quicker than I could before but if you're on a show like that and you have to, I feel like you would just get better at memorization exponentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the table read for the intern, which Ders and I were both in with Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before the table read, which is like a totally crazy, insane thing to do. Like, uh, it's, usually you just learn your dialogue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and act out as if it's, as if it's a play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, where can we watch it? Can we watch? Can we rent it yet? I don't know. Is it buyable on? Yea, no, you can get it on iTunes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Adam Ray, by the way, uh, Adam Ray is a friend of ours, uh, and a very, very funny comedian, good buddy of mine. He, uh, he's a monk angel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we got the video back from the wedding, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always weird when someone gets in fantastic shape for their wedding and then like immediately they just go back to their regular body size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think that's where they, they would, they would know if, if they were like, if you were the one that like, we have to watch the tape, I'll get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's for sure just like the wardrobe girl who got stuck on set and they're like rolling and she's like ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that performance, like, my mom had to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wardrobe, you know, cause it's like a high school production. I'm like eight years old. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just dressed me, she went to like a costume shop, my mom can't sew and isn't handy when it comes to that kind of stuff. So she went to a costume shop and uh, just bought me a pirate's, a pirate's outfit. So I'm just dressed as a fucking pirate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plug it in, put the tape in, and then there's a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to give some flowers to my dad, you know, shooting that, uh, that camera. Uh, you know, he was doing his absolute best, and it was his birthday the other day, so happy birthday to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam's shitting right now, they're not gonna come out yet. Adam's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and then she ends her little fucking monologue with, and that's how I found out, there is no Santa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, let's get this pandemic behind us and just get back to whatever normal is after this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the medic, come over here. Is he cleared? Is this guy? It might not feel like a meddle. It might not feel like it's actually in your asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have we talked about somebody being hilarious because they're 6'5 before? Or did I just have deja vu?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a pretty tall guy. Maybe he stood up tall. He'd be a little 6'4". Yeaah, he carried himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Tall John? Remember that dude? Who's like 6 foot 10 or whatever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that, he was busy. And, you know, he's busy. That's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were the first to do a podcast ever. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if he starts a- if he does another podcast, that's asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he would do something else in a different vein than just, you know, talking with your best friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They went online to kind of, uh, tell everybody what exactly happened because it was shrouded in mystery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy with the soundboard doesn't even- Okay, so they all got on to announce it, uhm, and then they basically said he died sucking his own dick and like drowning in his own cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His mom fucking, his mom hated graffiti, she fucking hated that he was doing it, hated that it was part of his life, but like, this dude was in it, the whole culture doing it, uh, it was everything to him, he was a sick artist, and he died, and when everybody from the community came out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, your dad's gone forever, but uh, he left this very confusing montage for you to watch. He's not gonna be there to raise you, but this is pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If right now on the podcast, if right now on the podcast, one of us like, uhm, like stood up for some reason, like grabbed something and slipped and then landed on the chair in a way that broke their spine and killed them. You don't always die from breaking your spine, but go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we think he's joking. It's like when you blew your knee out and everyone was like, he's clowning. Yeah, that's a tough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is now like a- So, you're going to the moon, what boats do you bring?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my dream, in my dream, somebody falls and dies and then somebody else gets up to like, like you dude, you were like this and then they actually fall by accident and then they die. And the last person is like, this is the best. I can't believe this is happening. And then eventually it's like, all right guys, guys, guys, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So wait, this is like bring your sketch to school day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the idea that Blake's like, I don't like talking cause I can't. I'm gonna bring you to my friend who can. He'll suss you out and then we'll be friends or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, number two is amazing. Does Blake Anderson skate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even like getting around, like I'm, I guess, I guess I'm goofy-footed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're nuts. Right. Can you imagine being a 28 year old and just looking at them being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, nobody was, nobody let me skate until I was fuckin' seventeen. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. It's called Doopey Trends. I buried a BB under my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, I mean we got, uh, what's his name? Carson Warholm, who's like the world record holder for the hurdles from the Olympics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just broke the world record at the Olympics like, however many months ago. For what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's heritage. World records are broken every day, B. But that was what was dope is that he was racing against the American guy who had just broken it. He broke it. He broke it again. And it was like they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did bitch out there. Uh, no, I love track. Watching track, watching the Olympics is, it's, I fucking love track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It blows you the fuck away. I mean, dude was making shoes in a waffle iron. Like literally mate. That's fucking cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I've been a little, I was in, uh, Arkansas, I haven't ridden it since I've been back, but I did take, uh, my boy for a bike ride the other day. It's great. Nice, dude. The best. I didn't go, uh, 45 miles, but you know, we, we got, we got pretty hilly over here. Uh, yeah. That's what's cool about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he's a true cyclist, uh, he knows. Immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all they do. They look at other people's bike and they go, is that real? Uh, how much does it cost? And is he fast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sick. If you have an $18,000 bike, and you paid for it, you're a sucker. Like, you better be fast enough that you start getting that shit for free. What? How do you, how easy is it to come up on a bike sponsorship?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, my point is that if you're spending $18,000 on a bicycle, you're a fucking sucker. You, you, be faster and get that shit for free. And that's an asshole speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a huffy, but like, get your $5,000 or $3,000 buy a sequel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, so like do that, but these carbon fiber joints, like if you're really like racing and trying to get that edge, the wheels, the rims or whatever, the components, everything's light, this shit gets crazy. What I'm saying is be fast enough to not have to pay that crazy amount of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But have you heard about this new thing called flexercise? No, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so good. He goes, I do, uh, he's like, yo, you play baseball? He goes, I'm an athlete too. I do, uh, triathlons. He goes, oh cool. Uh, you're like the best at exercise? Yeah, totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fucking a person named Ree. Is it like people doing weird ass exercises? It's everything. It's people from like, from like trying to bench press too much and like eating shit and then people doing like weird exercises in the corner like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like if you really go, cause it's like if you throw up during a workout, you put in some effort. If your fucking asshole shoots out of your butt cheeks, if you turn your butt


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, are they like, hey, on Monday we gotta bring you in for a fitting. And you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just real quick. Didn't we already do all the fittings? Yeah, but... Uh, yeah, it's just pants don't seem to be fitting you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think cycling, like people who cycle, they obviously have strong legs, but like, and I guess it depends on your body type, but like, at least you're doing cycling as opposed to just squats all day long. Do you know what I mean? Like, you're not doing that because of your knees, correct? Like you don't do like power lifting with your legs, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's, that'll wake you, that'll wake you up. Flexor, flexor, flexor size on him, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? You got those, uh, Karsten Warholm thighs, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that shit happens because when the Kardashian, somebody had a kid named Mason, all of a sudden Mason became the most famous baby name like, oh really? Yea. And like when the Friends had the baby Emma, everybody was named Emma, suddenly, every baby was named Emma. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it was good. It was good. It was a little hectic, a little fucked up. Uhm, it was good. Good food. Good food. Great oldies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I carved the turkey, let's just put it that way. Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you say it though? Weiner, snitchel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna feel like you're in Omaha. Everyone's gonna look very corn-fed. You're like, okay, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be funny. Yeah, I feel like you're getting back in character for Bumper. Yeah, Bumper was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Umber is super sexy. Uh, Adam, can we talk? Adam, uh, recasted. You've been drinking, you've been eating the wiener snitchdoll. You've been at the schnitchdoll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Germany. What's funny, when you go to Germany, everyone's either super tall and skinny or hella stout and thick. There's no like in between. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the, is Mr. Show on there too? I mean I feel like HBO has a bunch of deep cuts that aren't on there. Okay, yes it is. That's my favorite app, I think, right now. That's the one I'm watching the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got game. He got game. It is funny to me how people are like, how does he keep doing? It's like, he obviously has extraordinary game and manipulation tactics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's science. I forgot you knew chicks. Yeah, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like yea, why? It's such a landline, but I guess it's like a do it to do it situation, right? There's no way this dude thinks he's gonna spend more than two months in a relationship with this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you're describing is television. Exactly. Like they're just like, let's be television again. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you guys were in the hotel, I think maybe we talked about this already, but isn't there something beautiful about just flipping channels? Oh, just back to swag surfing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The getaway boat, he like throws some kid aside and he's like, MOVE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi. Hi YouTube. You can check out my She-Ho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I apologize or can I urge you to do a take back real quick? We love Kyle, we love what we call Shadows because we just don't have time to say the whole name and also forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's too bad he's not here, uh, I apologize to the fans, um, but I'm not a bitch, deal with it, I'm an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, Blake, Adam, Ders and no longer Kayo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's the most important, bottom line, critical thing happening on this planet. Today on This Is Important? I also think Jean-Claude Van Damme looks exactly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ring that bell. Have you guys, do you guys watch, do you guys watch anything on YouTube where people are hosting it? And for whatever reason they all think, they all think they need to open up the episode or whatever you call it with the same like, what's up fam? Like it's the same shit, everyone's just doing the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. I'm not saying one dude opens up the same. I'm saying many different people start their YouTube whatevers the exact same way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. It's fucking weird. There's an art of the vlog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's impossible. And everyone was like, didn't you wanna play baseball? And you're like, I was joking. I tell jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He killed it at the BET Awards and then just when you think you can't, uh, outdo himself, he outdid himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just in like a little, little pit of men. Uh, it was very sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was hot. There were guys like rubbing their dicks and I was like, are we, can we do that now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but it's not, Kyle. It isn't though. And I don't wanna hear- Okay. What do you mean, Anders? Yes it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he's like wiling out and like pushing the envelope, but like it's so sponsored. Nobody cares. It's all good. Everyone's not like shocked. No one's surprised. They love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but what I'm saying is that it wasn't, everything wasn't brought to you by fucking Snickers or whatever. Like, cause if that didn't satisfy you, Adam, a Snickers would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit would be polychar. We would, uh, talk voter- Vloding and politics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the Sharknado movies get like fucking 20 million people watching them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like that. Exactly like that. Hang on a second. You say he sold the movie in the room. Like he's- What room is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ernest Christmas movie is pretty fucking good. When the reindeer were on the roof of that warehouse, I lost my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he worked at NASA and then was telling jokes in the cafeteria and they were like, pretty good. And then he went to Hollywood. Hey, I'm buying it. If you're selling that, I'm buying it. I could be wrong. I think it could be that though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I text people on there too now, even though I had their phone number and I could, and now it's like between, like I'll be texting and then finish it on a DM later. But it's cause you share, you can share stuff easier, like posts and stuff. Yeah, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. But also, it goes down in the DM. DMs are vile, sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey I heard you spread your butt cheeks, this is mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you rebrand or rephrase the, what's a better word than like slide into for the DMs? That would make it kind of... Shoot me a DM? That sounds fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're on fire today. Yeah, we are, we're coming on fire. Hot, hot, hot, hot. This is a Sunday, we're doing this on a Sunday. Yes. Uh, pot nation, we're, it's a Sunday, it's the end of the week, we're a little scared about tomorrow, Mondays, we got the Mondays a little early. Monday, oh god, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all have the Sunday Scaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's called free, it's called free range, free range human. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you can. Hey, you can say whatever you want, dude. That's true. Yeaah, I just, I think homeless is out and organic free range human is the new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gave your mom a sign. I brought a sign to, uh, the bachelor party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like saying, like it goes back to sliding the DMs. It's just a, we're trying to change it a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna say, I'll say this, it's not any of our producers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we have someone in our chat who's going, uh, drug addicts now called a substance use disorder. Hey, we're not trying to pile on people here, okay? We're not going after people changing the word. He's like, you can't call anything what it was. We're not doing that. We're just talking about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I interpret it. Right, but, but, but, but, but like, there's a ton of people who don't live in houses either. And so what about those people who live in apartments or condos? We're just saying fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they un-housed? Like- Yeah, well- That's what I'm saying, the semantics of it are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never watched the first episode with uh, with Super Dave? No. Oh, you sent that to us. Yeah, I did. I'll watch it tonight. It's so good, cause he's just like, this is bad. The whole time he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By all stand-ups accounts, he's the best, right? Not like the best like uhm, Richard Pryor style, but like, stand-up, stand-up, everybody loves him, respects him, reveres him. But also like, was not like a super success story, right? So I'm wondering if, back to what we were talking about earlier,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not a huge success who's in like a fucking Toyota commercial or whatever, do young people still fuck with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like not, we talked about selling out, like this is a guy who I imagine never sold out. Like even when he was on SNL, they were like, hey, you gotta stop doing uh, OJ jokes because the owner of NBC fucks with OJ. And he was like, nope. And he got fired for doing too many OJ jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, fuck that, I'm not doing this, I'm not working for the man, this is my art. Yeah. Do, does that resonate anymore with anybody? Or are they like, why?


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[Assistant] And that's who the coolest kids are. The coolest kids are doing that. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Manaco-opoco- Manaco-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo-opo


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your smile. It's good to see you guys. Chloe and I actually yesterday were going through, did you guys do this when you got married? We picked out music, music? Like we, they have like a list that we had to go through of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thousand songs and just pick like what songs we like the most so then the DJ understands the style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like 5 hours of homework I did yesterday. I'm like this is too much shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chloe's all stressing about it, I'm like, this is, this is too much. I don't wanna pick their whole, we're hiring our DJs so that they play the music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were all there. We all remember the orgy that broke out on the dance floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the deal? I remember when you had that conversation with me about- about Chloe. You were like, dude. Ooh, full circle. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We wanted it to be lower. It's, you know, we're doing it in Mexico, it's out of the country, so we wanted it to be like 100-ish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. And we're gonna land right around 100, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I was like, I don't care if 200 people show- like who gives a shit. Let's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now we're like, people are like falling out and other people are wanting to come in and it's like, she's all stressed out about it and I'm like, why do we care even a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, are they sponsoring your wedding? No, they're not. We had to go through their, uh, the resort's catering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a DJ band combo, it's like a DJ- Wait, is it? Like, Linkin Park? Yeah, is it Linkin Park?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god! I'm so hyped. No, it's a band that, like this is their thing, they do weddings, like that's their shit, and then they, it's a DJ that plays music that you know, but then has a full band playing the music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so they know all the songs. That's why you have to, I think that's why the list was so insane that I had to go through. Because these are like, these are the songs and we'll learn the specific, what we have to do for each song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's what, that's the uh, recessional. That's when we're, we're leaving after we're married. It's POPOZEN!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that was the perfect time for womple things, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and I keep pitching Who Let the Dogs Out, cause I think that'd be fucking awesome. Just cause that's a fucking party song, man. It's just like, I do, you kiss, and then, and then we walk out and it's like, Who let the dogs out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it could be, it could be, uh, you know, furgalicious, let's get, uh, black eyed peas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were? Yeah, I was at that game. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was so salty, I came as she was finishing, cause I, I don't know if you guys remember, I did like a weird song and dance for the NBA awards, where it was like me, Queen, uh, Queen Latifah, Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx, it was a- Is that when you met Ludacris?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I shared a dressing room with Ludacris, and uh, so we were back there changing, then I came out like at the tail end, and I'm like, that was weird, and then I looked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, via the internet later and I was like, oh shit, I missed a piece of history. I was in the same building and wasn't there for the piece of history that everyone talks about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one like applauded, people like were booing and he goes, he like, he like sadly is like, I guess not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, should I, should I get some In-N-Out flown in for, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cheeseburgers are one of my favorite. You know, my favorite is steak. Who am I kidding? So I'm gonna be eating the steak. Yeah, so you're good. I'm fine. You're covered. Yeah, I'm covered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Mixed beans is sick. Dude, you're fucking wild. But I don't think you would want to eat that much Chinese food at a wedding. Cause that's gonna, that'll, that'll weigh you down for that dance floor. And if I know Blake, he's gonna want to cut her off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should I tell Chloe that, uh, she blew it by offering a Mexican style food in Mexico and we should have flown in Panda Express?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically the whole show of Workaholics was from the show Jiggalo, so I'm glad we're airing this laundry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And wait, so sorry, I, cause I didn't watch, I didn't watch Gigalose, that was like you and Kevin Etten, uh, one of our producers, he was a big fan and you were a big fan. His name was Brace? I can't- Brace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brace. As in like a thing you put on your knee if you hurt yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened is you, you, you leaned out. You leaned out a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it seems like every few years some sort of outside sport becomes popular and lasts for like two years. What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is this like a ultimate fighting sort of sport? What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, uh, I think I'd like that because tennis, I fucking hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this, this start and stop of tennis, my knees are like, they just feel like they're gonna explode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Ders is so foreign. I love that. He's my most foreign friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went to the Australian Open. I was there doing shows. Look at you guys. And, uh, I was in Australia and we were just out walking. On a walkabout? Yeah, I was taking a walkabout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh shit, there's like a tennis match of some sort? And then, uh, my agents were able to get me tickets, which was very nice of them, but then we, like, very quickly were asked, uh, to either shut up or leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, cause you can't talk, right? Yea, and then we stayed for like maybe an hour and I was like, alright, I gotta, we gotta go, I'm too loud for this sport. Yea man, that's why it's so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird. I'm sorry. That is some old man shit. I don't give a fuck. But I will say I went to a, the PGA, uh, the PGA, I went to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, some PGA shit in, uh, South Carolina. And it was actually pretty fun, but what you do is you walk around, you have these big old beers and you just, you're taking a walk about and it's beautiful and you do have to be quiet a little bit, but not for very long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you have to be quiet for way too long. And that's why I was, I stayed there for like- What? No, you're, you're loud as- Right after the sermon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But golf has changed, like the younger crew of golf, like Ricky Fowler, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders and Emma have been married for 10 years, and you're not even married yet. And I was like, oh. I didn't know it was a race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, it didn't even dawn on me that, uh, you're winning the game of lifters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very vividly like being drunk in the fountain. Like pushing each other in the fountain, you know, like a drunk idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bogies is a place, sorry, go ahead, Cal. No, go ahead, yeaah, you can go. Well, to me, it feels like, uh, a bunch of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet I imagined that I was beating you to the room. Like I was, uh, there's no way that I would have done that if I thought you were already back in your suite. I bet I was like, oh, he just left. He's gonna tell me where these cars are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm assuming that must have been it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I hope, uh, you know, Kyle doesn't drink anymore, so he won't be the one to do that, but I hope you guys call me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mid-stroke, uh, on the wedding night. I would love, I would love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna take right as, right as I'm slipping them heels off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, I mean, how uh, I mean, how crazy is it that I, I'm fucking Nostradamus over here and I called exactly what was gonna happen at the bachelor party where I'm saying like, we're gonna lose someone, and then we lost Akko and Atiba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the gecko on it? Yeah. I was a Jones soda boy myself. Well that's fancy. Jones soda was hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems like a, that seems like a bad kid thing. Yea, Ders knows exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. I definitely thought when Bush was like, I was like, this is the voice of our generation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 16 stone, I was like, this is the biggest album that has ever come out. They are our Nirvana. This is the voice of our generation. And then the next album came out, and it just fucking sucked. They had like one song that was a hit, and you're like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Raise your blade suitcase. Uh, they'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then it turns out they had like six albums after that. You just, no one fucking knew about them because they sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't even really tell. I think it's only the can. I don't think they've changed it. They always say- I can kinda tell. It says new recipe. They always say that it's better. I can kinda tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe that you actually can. I truly think it's a marketing ploy because they said that the guys, guys don't like, they want to drink actual coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't want it to say zero. We don't want it to be a black can. We want it to look like a red can. And that's why they, that being said, I don't care. I thought the black can was cool, but that is the reasoning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. We didn't get paid a dollar for this. We're just, those characters were the top of guys that would absolutely love Dr. Pepper Tech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I also like it too. You saw me, I was drinking, uh, a can. I was drinking a, uh, Diet Dr. Pepper, uh, through the pot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like it. Admittedly, I don't like the diet Dr. Pepper as much as I liked the DP10. Those 10 extra calories. There was some flavor in them. Let me ask you a question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love seeing those dudes that like, you can tell they're like going to work, and they have like two Monster Energy drinks in their hands. I'm like, oh shit. They got the full clip, baby. Take me back, take me back to the good old days. Scrap in, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought I had beat you, I didn't think you'd made it back to the room yet. And I'm, I would like to apologize for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I also would like to thank you for, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do remember thinking that it hadn't been that long and they weren't like already back. We can run them, we can check the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just tune in live to the weenie roast, K-Rock weenie roast and let it go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you play trapped in the closet chapter 1 through 25? Yes, I made it. And no one could talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was interesting. It was interesting. That felt good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd have been cool if we all take our- our future wives under the oak tree and we married them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't be a west coast artist. Cannot be a west coast artist. Must be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Fergie's not in the Black Eyed Peas anymore. I think they, like, dropped her from the roster, dude. Which I cannot agree with, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't seen that video, you can watch it as a gif or a gif now and it is just as wonderful just watching 1000 times back to back to back to back here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you tried dude, you tried to do Firefest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, nah, nah, that girl caught herself a winner right there. Damn. I don't even know if she knows it, but she knows it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would just love to hunker down with a giant one second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, maybe I could do a three entree plate with two orange chickens, but I like to do broccoli beef, orange chicken, and then, I've been meaning to talk to you guys about this, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know, I don't know if it always said that on the wall though. I think they added that. That's like the first person who asked for like a quesadilla chipotle and they're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for me, like, Chinese food doesn't weigh me down. Like, Chinese food is like a power food for me. It really invigorates me and it brings the dancing out, I would say. It's like mutagen? Yeah, I'd say, uh, Chinese food...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes me- is an upper for me, and then donuts are a downer. Like I really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one on reality TV ever has been able to rap except for riff rap. Ray J. Oh, okay. Well, and everybody on, what was that, the white rapper show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean is it, is it indoor or is it outdoor? Do you know that much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but no, that's not even the problem with tennis, it's like hitting the ball in tennis is very hard, like if you hit it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man, that's why it's so fuckin' British, you can't even talk during that shit, like- That's cool though, I like that. What a weak at- Nah, that's- that's golf shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I can respect a- I can res- I can go to court and watch like a murder case and be quiet, but this is a fucking sport, I'm trying to cheer, brother. Well you're fucking at court, you're at a tennis court, bro. There's a time to cheer, but here's the thing. I'm talking court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but that is what I look for in sports is like it is the one place you can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two war with the other team, it's just a game, you leave it all out there, you're as brutal as you want to be, and then when the game is over you shake hands and you say that was really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, wow, alright, I guess this is what we're doing. I love the buzz. I love the buzz. I love, I love, I love the buzz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and that's probably the reason why it's not my number one sport. It's probably the reason why I think Happy Gilmore changed the game of golf. He made it rowdy, he made a fun atmosphere, I know it's a fictional character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bounced Kanye and Kim? Yeah, we did. Bye bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should do it more. If she wants you to. Or maybe she's like, I can do this, I'm capable of taking my shoes off, please stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now there's, now there's a bit of a- Hey, so guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, this is the moment. But has he ever done it in orbit? That's where it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do remember Orbits. I do remember Orbits. I thought that's a gum. That's a gum, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before it was gum, it was a drink with like little, tiny, gross little... What were they? It wasn't quite boba. They were boba. No, cause it floats. Oh, it wasn't boba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you fuck with the coconut? Absolutely, what, the white creamy one? They were all a little creamy, and they were all- There were some melons?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was like cantaloupe. The orange and the white were the best ones. And the only place I remember buying them was at Quiznos. Which, fucking R.I.P. even though it still exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, or how you would go to Burger King and roll the straws up really tight and then flick it and pop em. Exactly. Dude, I was so good at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know he had a, uh, a child with one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you to be a Coke Zero boy. Have you, uh, dabbled in the, the new red can with the black writing, the new recipe of Coke Zero?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely not, no dude, dude go, because right now if you wanna try old school Coke Zero you gotta get it in, in a, in the bottle, in like the 12 ounce, but I found it to have much more carbonation back in the day in the black can, like it would kinda like tingle my senses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, dude. Try the new recipe. It's much more like pungent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have never been hooked to a soda, my very favorite soda that I have ever, like, the one I've craved in my life is Coke Zero. Coke Zero for some reason just, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's delicious. You never craved root beer? You never craved root beer? Maybe with pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean root beer. No, not like, like, I'll drink Coke Zero like, through a day, just to like, I wish, I wish I could tell you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just saying like I will go through my day and treat like a Coke Zero kinda like having a cup of iced coffee. You know, like I like a Coke Zero as a delicious pick me up over ice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coke Zero. It's Coke Zero. It's Coke Zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coke Zero is delicious, uh, I'd like to compliment Coke Zero on their new recipe. I think it's delicious. Uh, I like the old version, I like the new version. Let's have them both available, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Certified Coke Zero buddy over here. I like conflict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either way, I wanna be able to yell if I'm watching. I wanna be able to yell if I'm watching. You're a warrior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was like a three step. Well Kyle needs to take a lesson. What was the one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how it does it. What was it? It was like an interesting, uh- What was that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, method actor. Yes, I am. I should do the whole episode like Kelvin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can still hear you. Oh! Hang on. Hang on, I haven't clicked it. Well, cat's on the bag. Okay, you're an actor. Okay, go ahead. I'm off now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I am an actor, so. Yeah, you are. You really are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I feel like when you, like if you, cause my dad worked nights growing up, like I would say 40% of the time, and once you get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he works for the railroad, hookin', and uh, yeaah, he had nights all the time. And once you get in that rhythm, I feel it's better. Like once you're like a week in, and you get in the rhythm, it's fine. But here we're just doing like, the last three days of the week, we fall into nights, and then you're going to work,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At, today I go in at like three, we have a scene and then the shoot, uh, the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wants to know the street, the sleep patterns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking internet at this house keeps going out and it's making me lose my mind. It's the outer net.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The internet isn't working at all, the, the internet. Oh, well now you're coming in. You're coming in. I gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it like a, like a festival that was put on or you guys just had a list and you decided to make t-shirts and march up and down? Cause I saw a photo I think and it's like you guys were like, I hard conquered tacos and you guys had matching t-shirts, which is cute. And I liked that, but I heard radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put on, uhm, through the city of Concord, Concord's like, yo, we gotta get our taco name out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adrenal grease. And I've been to Concord, I've been to Concord a handful of times, uh, does Tom Hanks admit to being from Concord? Is he out, is he waving the flag? Cause you guys are waving the flag loud and proud and I appreciate and love that about you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the issue, Kyle. You're from Concord. You wear t-shirts saying, I love Concord tacos. You're a big Concord guy. You don't know that the most famous person, maybe in the world,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, arguably it's, uh, the, the guitarist from Tenacious D, but, or maybe the largest movie star in the history of movies. Yeah, right. No, I mean, I didn't- I think that's, that's the issue. And that's why this visitor center is so goddamn important. And they need to have a wing of Tom Hanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would say uhm, uh, you have to star in about 50 movies and right now you have 49 to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got Game Over Man, and he's got, and he's got like 50 movies. I feel like he deserves a wing. Dope. He's got dope. That's true. Okay. You guys deserve like a, like a cardboard cutout or something, for sure. I think. I think that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know where I got that he went to Concord High or whatever? From you guys. I only got that information from, from y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And guys, if that's the case, you deserve a wing. Laura Davis. Is that who it was? If that's the case, if it's just you guys, and there's, and there's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom Hanks, the biggest movie star in the world. If he isn't actually from there, if he was just born there and then they stole the baby to another city, they're like, he's got too much talent in his veins, he cannot be raised here. And then they snatched him and took him to Oakland. And they're like, here you shall blossom, you and MC Hammer. And I'm assuming other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ayyy, I think that's a real one. That actually did, yeaah, that seemed real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for finally- Hey guys, I'm waking up. I'm waking up. You know our fans, you know our fans are sitting here, they're listening, they're like, oh man, Adam was gone for a while, they were floundering, uh, yeah. Well hey, I'm gonna pause you, I'm gonna pause you right there. And then they were like, now they're giving us this fake website, it's not making a lot of sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. Hey, Natalie. And it's Coughlin for sure, right? Great walls. Great walls. Coughlin. Coughlin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to have this, uh, uh, he wasn't a, he wasn't a sound guy. Just a guy. No, he was a grip, but he would always come up and then- He gripped something. He gripped something. Yea, no, honestly. And he would always be like, hey, can I get underneath you? And then start sucking my cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but to answer your question, uh, I don't think I've ever had anyone accidentally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never had anyone that I like truly worked with, but doing those meet and greets after stand-up shows, people were wild. People would grab your dick, people would grab your ass, like legitimately in a...


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[Assistant] There would be like a solid 15-20 times. And that was just Adam Ray. And that was just my opening act. Who would open up for you? Adam Ray.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so, yeah, people, people are wild, man. I couldn't imagine just, uh,


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[Assistant] Working with someone, one thing, that's even crazier because you're going to see them every day. Or another, just you're out and about and then someone just grabs your ass. Or you go and you see like a famous, like a celebrity that you're a fan of and then you just like assault them.


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[Assistant] I mean, I loved it every time, but that's just me and my personality. Other people probably wouldn't.


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[Assistant] Okay, how are we gonna say Reiner Reint?


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know if it depends on if I was hungry or not, but uh. Okay.


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[Assistant] I like it. When I eat a watermelon, and I get to the end, I'm like, guess what baby, I'm not stopping. I like the crunchiness of it, I like that you gotta chew it. You say that to the watermelon.


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[Assistant] I'm just a fuckin' garbage disposal of a human, and uh, I don't mind it. You know, I think I started...


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[Assistant] Eating the, the core of the apple, like as a child, like as a bit, like as a, I'm a wild man. And then now I can't, and also like, what do you do with it? Then you have this piece of garbage with you and you're out and about and I don't want to just like throw it somewhere. So I was like, you know what? I'll eat it.


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[Assistant] I'm fine, I'm always sprinting outside and shitting in our yard.


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[Assistant] But it's not, it's not furry or disgusting, it's just the shell of it, and you just bite right into it, it's delicious.


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[Assistant] It's a boysenberry. I know I love boysenberries. I know I love boysenberries. It's a boysenberry pie.


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[Assistant] Okay, and I might have told this story, uh, before, but my neighbor had a berry tree and I plucked off all the berries and I found out if you squished it, it made like a gack situation and I sold it to all my neighborhood kids and everyone got really, really sick. Right, right.


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[Assistant] I don't know, man. What the heck? I feel like you would definitely get, for sure, get spankings. I feel like, I, I for sure like...


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[Assistant] Bare bottom? Uh, you'd get some bare bottom spankings from a judge. And they would, in Iowa, they would, uh, you'd be convicted with 30 spankings, for sure.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's a similar vibe. That's why I liked Concord so much, because I'm like, oh, I like this. I feel like...


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[Assistant] I do, I get a very similar vibe from where I grew up.


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[Assistant] Until I moved to Omaha, which Omaha is a little bit bigger of a city, so, uh, different vibe, but, uh,


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[Assistant] Where I grew up in Waterloo, very similar vibe to Concord. And even, I would say even the suburbs of where I grew up in Omaha was a similar vibe.


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[Assistant] You know, a lot of, uh, like chain restaurants and, uh, cool dive bars and suburban kids. And readily available methamphetamines.


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[Assistant] I'll say right now, I've never done meth, but if you guys all want to do meth, I'll do meth with you guys.


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[Assistant] It's just the fastest podcast of all time. We're just dead sprinting through. We thought we did an hour. It was 15 minutes. We're all sweating.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, guess what? I was given a day in Omaha, Nebraska. There's an Adam Devine day and, uh, it was crazy actually.


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[Assistant] Oh, for sure, later on, but when we were in high school, Conchord was riddled with meth. You could just tell. You could just tell by the-


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[Assistant] Yeah, some bad T's, some jittery folks. Uh, so tweakers. Uh, yeah, in Omaha, it was bad, man. My, uh,


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[Assistant] Uh, mayor came and gave me a, uh, a day, which was really, really cool.


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[Assistant] I think it's just like, it's just like give fake days to people. I don't think it matters at all. And they definitely don't celebrate it in any way. But, uh, you know, it was really cool. It was cool for my parents. They thought that was a really cool thing.


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[Assistant] You got any meth? And then absolutely everybody's like, yeah, obviously.


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[Assistant] Uh, Durs, did Evanston or Chicago in general have a big meth problem?


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[Assistant] Bitch, I feel like meth has died off, but definitely in the early 2000s, it was a real gnarly situation with, uh, with the methamphetamines.


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[Assistant] We, we had a meth lab across the street from our house.


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[Assistant] You guys have been in my house. It's a totally normal suburban home.


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[Assistant] And like just the most regular ass suburban house.


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[Assistant] Uh, me and I think it was my buddy Zach. We were, uh, it was our senior year and we got off for a period in the middle of the day. We had like a period off during lunchtime. So we went to my house to smoke the weed and chill and we're sitting there and all of a sudden we see like DEA and like full riot gear march up my sidewalk and I'm like,


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[Assistant] Oh shit. How much weed do we have on us? Wow, they're really bringing out all the guns for our $15 worth of weed. And they throw a battering ram through my neighbor's


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[Assistant] So maybe that's why I think, uh, maybe that's where any place that reminds me of where I grew up reminds me of meth.


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[Assistant] Well the thing is, is like meth, you don't want to do any drugs that you, that immediately you go from being a handsome looking person or a beautiful looking person to the ugliest, most foul looking thing.


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[Assistant] And it goes so quick. Like, that's why, uh, it seems like cocaine's the best drug. Because in those mugshots, where they take, like, the person, the person gets arrested every fucking year for ten years straight. And then they're like, it's always like four years in, that person looks


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[Assistant] Is fuck. Right. They're like their hottest that they've ever been. Three or four years into their uh, super addiction. And then it fully goes off the rails.


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[Assistant] No, I feel like meth, no meth I think you're pretty ugly like right away, right? It's, it feels like you fall right off the edge of the cliff.


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[Assistant] He was like a star basketball player, and he was like a stud, but he was like, I'm a senior, and, uh, this kid's a freshman. And he was like,


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[Assistant] Uh, yo, Adam, can I get a ride home from school? And I'm like, no, I don't want to, I'm not going to take you home from school. I got my own shit. He's a freshman. Oh, he was a freshman. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, no, no, dude. And he's like, I'll smoke weed with you.


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[Assistant] As for smoking weed, he goes, hey dude, uh, have you ever smoked weed with a balming fluid in it?


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[Assistant] And, uh, so I was like, oh, fuck no, dude, that sounds insane. He's like, uh, actually it's pretty good, but yeah, okay. And I'm like, well, that's weird. And then he, as we're driving, he goes, would you mind getting me some cigarettes? All right. So I pull over to the gas station.


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[Assistant] Uh, gonna go buy this kid cigarettes, I go inside, all of a sudden it's like, pooooh. And I'm fully fucked up on embalming fluid. Ebalming fluid. However you say it.


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[Assistant] And then, and it wasn't until, I didn't realize in that moment, I was just like, oh, am I the highest I've ever been? Like I took four hits of weed.


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[Assistant] But, you know, I'm in high school, like, I'm not sure how things affect me in the same way that now I would probably know right away, but back then I was just like, oh, this weed must be mad good. And then I go, I'm at work and I'm like, no, something's not right. I'm fully fucked up. Like,


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[Assistant] No, no scissor work. And then, uh, but then that kid ended up, obviously he was a little drug, drug kid. He lost him to math. And he was like a star basketball player as a freshman. He had a, you know, seemed like a good, uh, at least a good high school life ahead of him.


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[Assistant] I was at the, uh, PGA tournament this past weekend and, uh, I saw Phil Mickelson


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[Assistant] Uh, I'm like, I guess just because we're so open and honest about drugs and you know, we had workaholics that people feel comfortable.


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[Assistant] Being this way to you, but his mom, I mean his mom.


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[Assistant] And his mom is like, uh, we're in this like hospitality tent. It's super fancy. It's Mercedes Benz, you know, and so it's all fancy. And, uh, and she's just like talking to me. He comes up and she's like, oh, this is my son.


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[Assistant] And you could tell that these people are very well off and, and he's like, good hair. And, uh, and this kid who's like probably about our age was like, yo bro, I know it doesn't snow often in Charleston.


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[Assistant] Like, there, like, no one in my high school did cocaine.


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[Assistant] Yeah, neither here. We would go to the... But then I talked to other people that grew up in, in like Newport Beach or Laguna Beach that had like rich families and they were like, oh yeah, cocaine was all over my high school. I'm like, yeah, makes sense.


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[Assistant] Not a jock, dude. I think you're an athlete, Kyle. I've heard those baseball rumors. You were an ex-gamer is what you were, bro.


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[Assistant] The Tony Hawk soundtrack just plays anytime you walk into the room.


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[Assistant] Guys, update, I uh, I don't think I'm shooting the cardinal. I got so much blowback, and uh, And it's illegal.


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[Assistant] And then I was getting all kinds of people that are like, oh dude, those are angels. And I don't really believe in angels necessarily, but everyone, like a ton of people are like, that is what I was gonna say to you dude. Oh cardinals are like when angels, well that's why you gotta just let me finish so I can keep my thought.


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[Assistant] And my dad is going through all his shit right now, so I'm like, well, on the off chance that this is real, I don't want to just be murdering possible my family who's like coming around, and also my family, they're wild, you know, they drink a lot of...


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[Assistant] Uh, gin and vodka. They might be fucking drunk birds and hitting themselves in the mirror.