[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably an hour or so and I was like, Oh, I'm not going to be able to walk. You're alone doing this stuff. I had, I had a friend with me. Okay. Um, but then a car passed by and asked if we wanted to ride with it was an older Italian couple that didn't speak any English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, yea, you use hand gestures and like. And how far did they take you? Probably another, they, we drove for like, probably half an hour through, oh my god, through like the hills of Tuscany. And then they dropped you off? At a camping village. Okay. Yea, and then uhm, in Turkey, like I went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was with some guys who were dealing some hash in Morocco. I'm good. Smart. I slept at my, our cab driver in Morocco actually invited us to stay at his place and he had like three wives and was like feeding his baby soda. It was very strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, but I mean a lot of people from Nebraska also are not into that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the most part, but not like... Not in detail. No, no, no. They're like, oh, he's in Morocco, or oh, he's in Vietnam today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Nebraska, in Chicago. Did that always go well? Yeah, I mean for the most part it was always interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was a website called Couchsurfing.com and it was like free. It was like before Airbnb. You stay with people for free and it was for like, you know artists and travelers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, no, I'm, I'm, ehh, sometimes. No, I did have a couple, like, weird things where, actually I couch-surfed here in like 2013 and this guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, yeaah, there was Americans, I had Australians, I had someone from China, I had, I mean I've had people from all over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I enjoyed it. It got me to like show people around Omaha or like Chicago and was like, oh, this is making me get out and appreciate my city. Your city you live in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would never do that. Right? No, I don't take, I just, you know, I'm a white dude from Nebraska, I don't do that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably deserved it to be honest. I don't think the guy should ever hit the girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fingering your butt is a really good way to loosen up before sex. More specifically, receptive anal sex. More specifically, bottoming. More specifically, taking dick up your ass. As you may already know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loosening up before having sex is like the number one key to reducing the pain that you inevitably will feel as a bottom when you take the ding dong up your butt. So this is very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's stunned, dude. I saw someone get hit by a shuttle van downtown Austin get up and walk away. Oh my god. They got on a scooter and actually scooted away but got hit by a van and flew across the street. Seriously? Seriously. Like three days ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can confirm I don't smoke pipes or, I mean I don't smoke bongs anymore because of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, it's, I mean, I'm a big sassy broad too, so I wanna say like, oh, there's limited positions, but it's like, I think those were probably cut off by the time I got there already too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think Tom probably is more stressed, and also you have the Eastern Bloc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they used to say, pass over the white boy, oh lordy me, you know. And they used to actually physically pass, I was 19 then. And they physically used to pass me over to the middle of the hall. And some of these black men were fat. And they got fabulous tongues. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it. I loved it. You know, I used to come and come and come. And, uh, wasn't expecting that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four or five times in a couple of hours was not unusual. Now, of course, I am 70 next year. And one of my great sadnesses is I can't do anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YMH Live, a very cool Christmas is this Friday. This is it. Get your tickets right now. We have all new YMH originals. We have special guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bobby Lee, a very heavy segment and a special pre-show VIP package with the great


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot. And then you're watching the movie and you realize he's back in 1955.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his mom is like, smitten with him, and she's just like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's totally falling for him and she kisses him at one point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is supposed to be something that happens...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More commonly in psychology, there's a term for this where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If people have been separated, like if actual family would have been separated for a long period of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the way that the feelings manifest when you reunite can lead to like sexual feelings. That could be like siblings that haven't known each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think a lot of people would be like, if they knew me just from jerking off, they'd be like, this guy's a pretty proficient stand up comedian. Like, I'm not like a guy who's like, oh I, you know, I also sing and they go watch me at some bar. They'd be like going to an arena and being like, this guy's a pretty good stand up comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people would be like, scoring them, they'd be like, you weren't really failing it today, huh? You looked kind of half hard when you came. Or wow, you were really backed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put a vibrator to your cooch and you have to look into your dad's eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get used to it. You know why I think you can totally get used to it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we know adult performers, and there's like this shock when they start and then they're just like, yeah, that's what I do. They just get used to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's not, I'm not excited to show people that. I guess I'd choose that over jerking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the connection he has with his audience. His audience enjoys it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially because you lose yourself in it. Cause you're like having to focus. And you're like, you know. And then to see your whole body quiver and your face go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you choose as far as masturbating in front of your mom, looking into her eyes, or would you stream it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing. I mean, the dick is like, it seems like a mutation, you know? Like, you're gonna be shunned more, I think, with that. It says people have, you know, sympathy for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it also is very emasculating. You know? You have to find like a really kind woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be like, it's okay. I still find you attractive. Like, big G-sized tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think he has a penis on his forehead. Yeaah. Yeaah. The neighborhood kids. Yeaah. But other parents wouldn't be cool with it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always try to have to be clever with their copies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just say one thing? This is not new. This has been done...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the last 40 years. Of course. This is what night clubs do is they, they try to bring in hot, hot chicks. Yeah. And like a couple dudes who are cool and then everybody else they're like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to take my dad to, when I was in Madrid, and I was like 21, you know, decent looking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would go out to night clubs and I was like, uh, I go, you've never seen a night club in the United States like they have in Europe. I mean, they're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just like a show, but it's still, you know, and the music was always like that electronic, right? Dancing, dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was a show, going to those places, and I was just like, I don't know, we're walking after dinner, I was like, you gotta see one of these places. And I tried to get them with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, he was in like a dad sweater and khakis. Yea, of course. And I was like, can he just take a peek? I was like, can he just take a peek? And the guy was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they'll be like, what the fuck is this guy doing here? And then I, I, it was fun. My dad's like, what'd he say? And I was like, he said no. And then he goes, oh really? I go, yeah, cause you're just not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he took it in stride, you know? Yeaah, look. He knew at the time he was probably, what, he was like 55 or something, you know? Like, he wasn't cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but here's the thing, you just gotta take it with like, you know, you gotta accept what you are. You know? I mean, I'm serious. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the guy telling you you can't come in because you're too fat is what you needed to hear to stop being so fat. Or maybe you're gonna go, you know what, I'm gonna fucking go for a jog today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what she's not saying in this thing. She's like, you know, I was born naturally pretty. I have a very pretty face. I have great skin. But I'm not really putting a lot of effort in to managing this weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm getting hired because the whole standard of the modeling industry changed to be super inclusive when it shouldn't be. It should be completely exclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To people that are super hot, and they should X us out for being little piggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same way that that club said you can't come in is what the modeling industry is supposed to do. They're supposed to be like, oh you're not a model. A model is a very special person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we're in the group that's in. I recognize all of my flaws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm older now, I'm still overweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not. And I don't go, I'm gonna call the news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I became a comedian. That's what you should be doing, you fucking sow. Go to an open mic. You're not a model. You should be giving fucking talks. Make people laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are struggling with their weight is because yeaah, it's hard to not be fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, you gotta work at it. You gotta work at it. Unless you're genetically gifted. And in which case, if you're super gifted, you're a model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they should do to these two girls? I mean, I'm honestly, I really think they should say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome, you're allowed to come in here as soon as we close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can sweep up, and you can see what the place looks like. But no one's gonna be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all of a sudden, nine months later, you come back and they go, guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoking cigarettes, by the way, is a fantastic thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're chunky and you're 13, start doing a pack a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took the uhm, I learned something from the way that, that place in Madrid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rejected my father. They were just like, no way. And the way that he accepted it, that was a lesson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, sure. I saw an armadillo today. This really tickles you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a dildo. Alright. This is fun. You wanna see something fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like a couple weeks ago, uhm, Bart, that Hitler guy, Kreischer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, released his trailer, his teaser trailer. Okay. It's one of the best received trailers I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, I've seen people go, I hate Burt but I wanna see this movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people are all excited about this movie coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he was like, thanks for not reading the book. And I was like, I mean I tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he doesn't know. I mean, I was trying to tell him that before he came on, I get the message from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His agent being like, hey, the book's coming out. I don't know if we can get you an advance copy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, okay. And then they're like, you might be able to get the audio book now. So I got the audio book. I started listening to it. But dude, it's the week that like, you know, shooting my special the weekend before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I come home from that, it's the first time I've been home and like, fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Months, I'm like kind of reorganizing my life and I just only got through a little bit of it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of those things. But I was so excited to talk to him that I wasn't even focused on the book. Of course he wants to talk about his book, you know? So we ended up doing this like hour and a half podcast and at the end he's like, thanks for not bringing up the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And then he's like, and you didn't talk about my podcast. I was like, I didn't even know you had a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it, Tom. It went really great. Alright. It was awesome. I was super nervous about it. Really? Well, not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During the mo- at the end, you know at the end when you do these things sometimes you're like, I don't know how that went cause you're in it. So yea, I just don't know how it went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I was asking, I was asking him genuine ques- I got, you know, I think we got like three never before told stories kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty crazy. You did? Yea, I kinda, I kinda really enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well it was really interesting because he's doing that same thing. It reminded me of Seinfeld, that uhm, you know, for people that don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he won it after the ninth, he had a thing about the number nine, but the show was number one. Okay. The show's number one. And he goes, that's it. We're done. And the reason was he's like, I want the show to be over when it's still a killer show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to get into seasons 10, 11, 12, 13 where we're collecting checks and this show just starts to like fall apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I still want you to be like, holy shit, this catalog of movies, this filmography, is re- and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just beat the ever-loving shit out of me. As soon as I pinned them down, they're like, you're hurting me. I'm like, you're fucking hurting me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm just like turning at one point and I just see a pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went back home, got a bunch of towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back and joining us for the first time is my friend from Canada, the country of Canada. The great Phil Hanley is here everybody. Phil? Thank you. And he has a new special called Ooh La La. It's out on his YouTube channel right now. Congratulations on that. Oh, thank you. How was that? Where'd you film it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you fucking, you did it dude, I mean it's not easy to move from Canada to New York and really break in and do the spots and like get, like you're in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the thing that I noticed, cause I, I, you know, we worked together a few times. I mean, we definitely ran into each other in Vancouver a few times, is how, how much you've evolved on, cause I see clips of you constantly on Instagram. Okay. And you're like just as totally,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, I mean, I remember that I first played the mix in 09.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah. And then I was probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to, I remember getting some of those gigs probably, I don't know, a year or so later. So that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm glad man. Yeah, I mean, I'm glad to see, I mean, and, and, I mean, I don't know, I just feel like it's, it is, I really respect coming from Canada, going to LA or New York, but just, just going to another country and, and trying to break into that system. I just feel like it's probably intimidating as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then how about the actual, uhm, comics? Like were you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was also like, it had like this, almost like you felt, cause I would play it, you know, I'm visiting and it's a long week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The gig was not like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It was like Tuesday through Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you, you felt like they were like your family. Absolutely. By the end. Yeah. The club. Yeah. I just, I loved being there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, he'd love if I needed his help. He'd love if I needed his help. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one time, you know, somebody is, you know, just ruining the show. Yeah. Like shut the fuck up man. It's like back and forth. And so finally, you know, you kind of go back and forth in those things and then there's those moments where you're like, you gotta go. Yeah. So I see that dude come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afterwards, I was like, how'd that go? He was like, oh yeah, I got him out. I'm like, yeah, looked like it. And like, I don't know if that guy's gonna be able to walk anymore. Yeah. Well, I don't play the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like a cycle, you know, like a year or something. And I come back and I'm in the lobby and I'm like, what's this here? And I notice that there's missing carpet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know that dude? And I go, yeah. And they're like, he took some guy, he dragged some guy out and he beat him here and the blood soaked into the carpet here. We had to cut the carpet out and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And forever, like, where I go to watch a comic, and we're sitting there, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just continuous. And then I actually, cause you know a lot of times on stage you go, well that person is ruining the show for the people around them. Yeah. Dude, you see the people go, can you guys knock it off? Like they're, they keep doing it. And then they get up and they go get security, the sober people, and go, I can't fucking hear the show. Then they get removed, police come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had never had this perspective. It's wild. Like it's, it, and it made you go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've always thought this, that like the worst thing in the world, that what ruins every show is just boos. Yeah. Yeah. Too much. And these people are just fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the last month, one was, we have the video of the guy being thrown out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in, it was in Canada, the first one. Where? It was in London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Uh, it was the late show. We did two shows there. And we could tell because when the opener's on, you're like, oh, this, this is, there's somebody, this guy keeps yelling, yelling. They're trying to find where he is because it's just like theater venue. And they're like, we don't know where he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so my tour manager has a good idea. He goes, you know what I'm gonna do? He goes, when you go on stage, they turn on the house lights. He goes, I'm gonna leave the house lights on for like five more seconds. Just because I know he's gonna pop off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he fuckin', aah, and they go, that's where he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, they start going over there. Now I'm not even paying attention to him, right? I mean, I have to say something because he says something again, so I'm just, you know, I forget what I say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just kinda jab him back, but it's like playful. And then I keep going to the show, and he does something again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just make another comment about how much fucking attention do you need, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, like chaos, like chaos starts. Woah. And uhm, and then he's screaming something, and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, I'm not throwing anybody out. Like, there's literally a wall of security up there. I'm like, you have to deal with them. This is not on me now. Guy keeps screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my guys end up recording them throwing this guy out, right? He's throwing a fucking tantrum. And what he's mad about is that the guy who was causing the big disturbance,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was another guy's brother. And they ended up throwing them both out. And the one guy's like, he's a good guy. He keeps saying he.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we think that he's talking about himself. Like how is he referring to himself as he? And he's like, no, he goes, he's a good guy. You're throwing him. He's a, he's not a bad guy. You're throwing out a nice guy. And we're like, dude, he's ruining the show for everybody. I mean, it's just, it just happens to the point and it just makes you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, after a while you're just like, what the fuck do you have to do up here? Just shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it like to be, where are you living when you move in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so wait a minute, you go to Milan, and, I mean, you don't know what the fuck you're doing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I was like, okay. There's a few too now that like you can see like these real handsome dudes or like real pretty girls that are, you'll see them like on Instagram, you know, like on stage. I'm saying like exceptionally good looking and you're just like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell you're a good looking dude. I mean model though is something like, but also, you know, in today's world, you know, you could be fucking, uh, you could be missing a fucking ear and 280 pounds. People are like, yeah, look at this model. She's on the cover of Victoria's Secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever get like some really top tier modeling puss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He turned into a comic, it's crazy. Really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you know it's a calling though, right? It's like, if you get that in a public setting and you're like, you're locked in, you're like, oh I can't let this go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I know we already said it, but I want to remind people, you shot the special, you put it on YouTube, I've been the biggest advocate of this movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The special's up. I think it's a brilliant thing to do. Like, to put your special in. Everyone has YouTube. Everyone can access YouTube. Everybody, I mean, there's no reason not to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do it forever. You can build a fucking catalog of specials. It's fucking rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. I mean, you're good. That's why it's great. Well, cause it's not so great when some people do it. There's people putting up their clips from like, you shouldn't be doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's ego, right? It's like you see people doing it and then you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm a comic. I can put it up quick. It's like, no, no, no, but you're not being, you're not able to see this. Yeah. Clearly. No. Objectively. Your, your, your stuff is not at that level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bad, it's a, I mean, I remember, uh, Sarah Silverman gave that advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On something, a few years ago I saw her say it and she was like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you post something, like, you really want to make sure that it's ready to post, right? And I was like, yeah, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We missed the generation because of our age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, maybe I would have made the same mistake, you know, but like, I mean, I look back at like, you know, we would get tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had nowhere to send it. A tape you'd send to a booker, right? Yea. But putting that stuff up online, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Dude, you're gonna regret that. It's so mortifying. If you keep doing it. Yeah. And there's people, I mean, people send me shits or they'll tag me and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, it's still, it's back to what we were just saying. It is just somebody in the room that day. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did hear that. Bud came up to me one time and Melrose, uhm, when I did a short set there and he was like, why do you have to curse so much? You're a funny guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super sweet. But yeaah, he was a pioneer for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other side of that JFL thing though, is you can also get, uhm, and it could be anything in show business, get something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're like, there's no way I just got that. And that happened to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I showcased and bombed so fucking hard. I mean, so hard. It was like, one of the rounds of showcasing, uh, at Laugh Factory. And I remember Mosha was there, and I was like, ooh, and he was like, he was like, that wasn't good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna go back to this dyslexia stuff cause we got sidetracked with modeling cause we wanna be in your modeling world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much, like, when did it, did you work to the point where, you know, I don't know, like, were you taught a specific way that you could read? No.


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[Assistant] That he is a big Golden State Warriors fan? Do you know this?


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[Assistant] But that during the shows, during shows, if the Warriors are playing, he has a feed.


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[Assistant] Really? Yeah, he'll watch the game. I had no- So on stage he'll be playing and look down and then they'll be like, what the fuck's he doing? And like he's watching the game right now.


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[Assistant] So what's fascinating is that other parts of your brain thrive. You know, like there's like some adjustment that's happening.


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[Assistant] Isn't that funny, by the way, I learned that a long time ago, that the Canadians say grade five. I know, grade eight, grade five. Oh, wait. So I would always, I remember is what something I caught on so that whenever I go to Canada, still, like to this day, I made a, I had a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, put it together. Let's live in the mood. I don't know if this guy's dyslexic, but something's going on, I think, okay?


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[Assistant] Why, what's tomorrow? What's not virgin anymore? Guess what? What? He has since been banned.


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[Assistant] So fun, knew exactly what he was doing, like he was, and he's articulate, he's funny, he makes interesting points.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know, there's a lot of girls who just shut the fuck up, you know?


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[Assistant] And you don't, I mean, the difference now is that people go, we need to shut this voice down. As opposed to, we need to ignore this person. So that's the difference in the trend. The trend used to be like,


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[Assistant] Oh my god, and they, they hate this comic so much. I'm talking about like, not even other comics, but like, people are just like, I can't fuck, I hate, you know, you're like, yeah dude, don't buy tickets. Just don't watch this stuff. What are you doing?


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[Assistant] Just like, go find someone you like. Put all that energy into someone you like.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I know. And I also, I don't know, I don't believe when it gets to that point where someone so hates a comic that much.


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[Assistant] If they're, especially if they're like, uh, really amazing in person, like great person, then you're like, fucking piece of shit. Fucking volunteers. But the other side is that like, you like, you can meet somebody that you like, and their act is terrible, and then you're like, oh god. That's worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was so funny that uhm, we talked about this, that when we were hanging out with Chris Rock, and we're like, how's it going? He's like,


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[Assistant] You know, there's people here, like, this is before the show, he's like, I guess people, you know.


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[Assistant] I guess I'm alright, I don't know, and you're like, you talk like this? Yeaah. Even you? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] So you know, he'll be thrilled with something that you're like, that's the part you're excited about. Yeah. And you realize it's just something that an idea that he thought was fun. Yeah. That's what he likes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a, yeah. It's, I mean it's all, literally every dog shit comic you've ever met is like, I love watching my stuff.


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[Assistant] And it says, so you are not Superman, right? That's French for you are not Superman. So I think he's telling him.


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[Assistant] Oh, you can see it. Yeaah. You can see it. And also, there's probably not a great clinic nearby. Just based on the... They're not like, let's run you over to Cedar Clinic. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Do you know from our show, maybe you've caught wind of, do you know who Robert Paul Champagne is? No. Uhm, he's, well just to give you the basis of who he is, he's this guy. I know this guy! I know this guy!


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[Assistant] Robert messages me all the time. Really? All the time.


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[Assistant] And he says things like, I hope you have a great weekend. And I'll be like, hey, you too, man. And he'll be like, how was your week? And I'll go, it was good.


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[Assistant] And then one day somebody sends a video and they go, yo I think we found the piss on me beat me guy, the try it out guy.


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[Assistant] He's singing, I think, uh, Coney Island. Oh, okay. And we're like, holy shit, is that the guy? And then, you know, more people are like, I think I saw that guy.


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[Assistant] Somehow, someway, we find an Instagram page that they say it's him.


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[Assistant] And, you know, we've, uh, got them cell phones and compu- like we've got them equipment. Oh, that's great!


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[Assistant] The other day, uh, he sends me a message and he's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to work. And I'm like, me too. You know, I don't know. And I just go to his page and I see what he's posting.


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[Assistant] He lists his, his name. He goes his name. He always gives his address and his phone number. Listen.


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[Assistant] One for the plug and one for the low. He's got a lot of numbers, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. Uhm, this also came in from, as you're currently a New Yorker, uh, Ted Cruz went to a Yankees game. Oh nice! Listen to how he gets heckled by the...


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[Assistant] It's so weird and, and, and like he, I would think that...


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[Assistant] Him being as hated as he is, he's pretty much hated nationally, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, internationally, um, going to, uh, to Yang, he, that he would need like serious security, not like one or two guys.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I was backstage at the first show I was doing, I think I was in Toronto, and I was talking to, like, the staff, and I was like, oh, would people know Cruise? And they're like, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, they were, they go, he's Canadian. He's a piece of shit. We all hate him. Okay. I was like, great. Okay. Just making sure. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It did, it fucking killed. Oh good. Yea, it killed. Yea.


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[Assistant] It is funny the, uhm, the, the roller coaster ride of what has been the Trudeau years. Oh yeaah. Because like he came on and peop- you know it's funny because everybody ultimately, like what, what people are attracted to in politicians a lot of times are just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also the way that he, I guess, handled COVID, it split the country pretty much.


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[Assistant] On the streets of Toronto, and there were massive anti-Trudeau marches. Really? Oh yea. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just thousands of people walking down, fuck that, fuck Trudeau. So I was like, holy shit. You know, I'm don't really know the stories that much. I'm just like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea. So it's just like one of those things where you're going, you know, and you're like alright.


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[Assistant] And it was like beautiful and the people were awesome and the show was bananas and it was the best, it was the best time.


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[Assistant] It's, it's in Atlantic time. You know that? It's a half hour ahead of Eastern time.


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[Assistant] Well we didn't have that, but it was a nice surprise stop.


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[Assistant] One of the best shows of the tour. Speaking of shows, don't forget, check out Phil Hanley's new special, Ooh La La. It's on his YouTube channel right now, which I'm assuming is youtube.com slash Phil Hanley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then when is the book going to come out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. That's right, that is the complete URL because with that URL you get $200 off


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[Assistant] Any mattress of your choice, we've slept on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I appreciate good sleep now more than ever. There's nothing like sleeping on a satva mattress. It feels like home and it feels like I'm going to get a great night's sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I sleep on it, I sleep on these other mattresses all the time because I'm on the road constantly and it depresses me. It depresses me to sleep on another mattress.


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[Assistant] I want nothing more than Salva to show up at these hotels with their mattress takeaway service and set it on fire in the front of the hotel, in the lobby possibly.


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[Assistant] And then, put one of the sapas in the hotel. Anyway.


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[Assistant] You even pointed out that uhm, you told me that Schwarzenegger was in really good shape.


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[Assistant] That they were like, alright, we want him to speak English, but could he sound like he was Austrian born and learned English later in life?


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[Assistant] So they were just like, and then, make it, make it talk. I will kill you. And they're like, no, make it say, I will kill you.


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[Assistant] The development and the symmetry, it was all like, yea.


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[Assistant] Let me ask you this, women sometimes they go, do you think it really is personal preference? A lot of women will be like, I don't like that. Like they don't like.


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[Assistant] I remember that he's naked, but I remember seeing Dong. You see Dong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is the Terminator aging?


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[Assistant] And he was in Venice beach, you know, Musselville those days. He was just a fuck factory.


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[Assistant] Look at that one to the right of that. Just that guy walking towards you.


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[Assistant] I mean, look at what I- look at his accomplishments. Like, at that point you kinda deserve it, you know?


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[Assistant] He was just overwhelmed that day. He just got in there and was like, ugh.


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[Assistant] Look at him, look at that face. That kid is...


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[Assistant] Also, Schwartzee didn't get his bod just by genetics, you know. He was a fucking psycho workout guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He talked one time about, he had a body that was pretty crazy already, and then he was like...


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[Assistant] He was like, I know, I said, Arnold, you are fat.


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[Assistant] He has an interesting plea though. His plea is like, I'm a solid dude.


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[Assistant] Let's hook it up, let's do it right. And he also said, if a lady's a lady, which means if you're not quite the lady he's expecting, that could go another way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it could also, it could, you could run into that if you were dating.


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[Assistant] Also, I think if you do- It's not, it's not attractive. If you do haters, keep hatin'.


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[Assistant] You shouldn't go then to like, fuck you bitch. You gotta be like, I don't care. Do you know what I mean? If you have aggression in response, like it's actually, you are agitated by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I will say this. I don't, you know, I think you should treat this correctly. I don't think that TikTok is the right platform, though, to resolve this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, but that's an argument for TikTok to be the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you? You guys use TikTok as a dating app?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he should go on Tinder and just put photos up.


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[Assistant] Well look, why don't we uh, let's take a quick break, and uhm, we'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the brand behind the softest, flattering and most comfortable t-shirt of the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With some True Classic for a limited time. Only get 25% off with the code mom at trueclassic.com. It really feels like True Classic is making bespoke t-shirts for you. They fit so good, you look good in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You may even get more reps in with true classic because when you look good, you feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, don't drop the ball. Upgrade your wardrobe with True Classic. Get 25% off at TrueClassic.com with the code MOM. Free shipping included on purchases over $100. That's 25% off at TrueClassic.com with the code MOM. Strengthen your core wardrobe with True Classic today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with, uhm, just a man who's lived a very average life. Uh, he's been on Saturday Night Live, most people have become US Senators. Al Franken, everybody!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, thank you for doing it. Just, uh, uh, you're gonna be the, uh, on the, the only former U.S. Senator on tour tour. Currently on tour tour. That is a wild thing.


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[Assistant] I mean, just to say, United States Senator, is, is there a holy shit moment when you, when like, you're- When I won? Yeah!


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[Assistant] But just to be like, to come from, you know, show business and get into the position that you got into, it's just, it's amazing.


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[Assistant] Wow, is that the full context of how that was said? Because if it was comedy, it's not going to be really registered.


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[Assistant] That's, that's, it's remarkable. Uhm, it is released, I, I don't know, do you?


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[Assistant] Do you think also that part, one of the things that has made this even more toxic and made people more cynical and probably more divisive is the fact that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's all personality driven and entertainment and you just go to the source that you want to hear that position from. It's no longer like, I don't even know how people that are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super savvy, get objective news. You have to really dig, do the work to get it.


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[Assistant] And all of that is really like predicated on a genuine fear of Trump though, right? Like when they go like, I'm not going to speak out. Exactly. They're like, I'm scared of this guy.


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[Assistant] This is like 77, 8? 75. 75! So you did, you were there from 75 to like 2000, is that right?


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[Assistant] It seems like the cast sometimes is like 20 some people or something. You see so many faces, you're like, I can't keep going.


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[Assistant] It was clear what a star performer you were watching when you watched him. Holy shit.


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[Assistant] Now when you develop, when you write a piece and you're in it, like when you did Stuart, um, uh, which became an iconic character, do you, you're throwing it out there, do you know it's a hit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First time, you're like, oh shit, we have something, like we really have something here. Cause that was a recurring, became a recurring.


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[Assistant] What I remember most about that era and like, for instance, that character in that is that it became a thing. I don't know if you have an awareness of this, that as if you're a kid and you're in school, we start saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got some, something. You're like, well, that's why I said it. He doesn't need to put it. Yeah. Yeah. Stupid. So, speaking of awesome hosts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were there also with one of the most highly celebrated hosts of all time, I believe, in one of my favorites, Steven Seagal. I know he's one of your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they're gonna roll, and they go, let's block it out first. And then...


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[Assistant] Houseboat and then he, and then he said that Seagal goes roll it.


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[Assistant] But I heard this, I heard this about, about that week. I forget who said it. Cause other, a lot of other people that were at SNL have cited him and that week as like, as the example of like the worst host and week was that, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever have, I don't know, turn into hits? Yea. Really? Like where you're like, well, and then you see it and you're like, holy shit, this actually. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't have an option. I could, I guess, rock the old horseshoe with the male pattern baldness. A great look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I never understood, like, you know, my dad rocked it, and I was like, why don't you just take it down all the way, you know? Why don't you just- People didn't do that. He was like, no. And then he would also leave, you know, like the, like the, I go, why don't you just clean the dome, like the part that's already gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, I call them survivors. I'm like, what the fuck. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess. How did it work when you're in the Senate and, you know, maybe before, like, before you know somebody personally, right? You see somebody on the news, you don't know them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is the Steven Seagal of the US Senate? Like who fucking sucks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's hell to pay, you know. I gotta ask you this. I have heard, and I don't know if this is true, that you can sketch from memory. Yep. But the entire... North America? The United States? No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. I gotta see this. So you, and is this something that you were doing as a child? That you just locked in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Which size? I brought you two sizes. I don't know which one. Well, this is bigger. Bigger? Okay. And there's a bunch of different pens in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, sir. I did live there in Plymouth. Holy shit, you actually- Wow.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, take your time, it's just this, I've, I literally have never seen this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then how often do you have to do it to keep it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who is that? I don't know. I just have always liked to draw a terrified guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've also liked, I like to draw a beautiful woman. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much. Absolutely we are. Thank you very much. That's so cool. That's a very impressive, uh, bar trick. That's- Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no better academic brand. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a pressure when you get there to go like, oh my God, am I good enough to be here? Like at that school?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so you know that that person doesn't deserve to be here. Yeah, I remember that I went to, uh, well I went to a really good prep school, but I did it terribly. And one of my... Where was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He ends up getting into a pretty prestigious school, and I'm like, what the fuck? How did you get in there? Dude, his family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will, I'll tell you right away. It's a good school, it's not like Ivy League, but it's a good school. Pretty impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got a fun vibe, you know? So wait, tell me about touring though. So you're on tour, you're not doing as many shows as I am, because you enjoy your sanity and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would it, would it be intimidating for you? Like even though obviously you're like super accomplished to go back to clubs like that? Like after time away from them? Was that like, uh, pressure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did. That's great. That's great. And then were the audiences pretty receptive to like the change of pace from somebody doing like, you know, street whatever, bar jokes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta, gotta check on the car though. This car's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a fun video. We try to show, uh, as many people as we can. See, I'm horrified by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Who, the first guy? The guy that got... The guy that gets hit. Or the guy that goes down. Who's going, oh, oh. Oh, he gets hit by the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a car going into a garage and the car hits him against the wall and it throws him. Oh, that's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hit him and then, and then he was leaning kind of against that dresser thing there. And then he dropped his clipboard, but the best part, I always, I mean, I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other guy on the left is helping the guy that's on the ground, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, that's the, um, the hood of the car. Yeah. Yeah. So then somebody comes into frame. This guy does, this guy is looking at his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then somebody else is helping the man, but this guy comes back and he's like, is my car good? Like he's just like checking the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, dude, this was a real treat. Thank you for coming in. Yes, thank you. It was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously, it's a blast to have you here. Uhm, you can see it's currently on tour. Al Franken, the only former U.S. Senator currently on tour tour. And uhm, yea, people can get tickets at, is it alfranken.com?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alfranken.com, uhm, you pick up the books that you've, you've written multiple books, and uhm, dude, again, a real treat. Thank you so much for coming in here. Thank you so much. All mine, all mine. And now we have this. Yea, this is getting framed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. It's great to meet you. I mean, it is, uh, like it, it always, I think especially, like I said, for the era that you grow up watching SNL, to think that you will meet those people and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it with Neilin, Spade, uhm, that every time you're just like, I can't, cause you go right back to being, for me, like a fifth grader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And watching the show and just pissing and thinking like, you know, this is the, there's just nothing bigger in your world, like SNL. And then you grow up and you actually meet the people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. It was so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend. Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know. Because I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will love you like you've never been loved before. I will cherish you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything. Every square inch from crown molding to chair rail to floors to lighting to plumbing, doors, windows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very handy guy, and uh, I'd love to build you whatever you want. You're a sweetheart. So, I hope this video doesn't scare you. That's how I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck did you do this? I don't know. I just, um. How long did you have the idea to do this? I had the idea after we talked about what venue because I thought here's what's going to happen. I'm going to have a two hour special because I had so much stuff that I hadn't done. And then I thought, well, let's try to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two specials. And they go, well we only have the theater for a night. And I thought, well why don't we do just one show, one special, cause that always works great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the good thing is I don't like watching myself, so I don't have to edit. It's true. It's great. It's like there's nothing to edit in, so if a joke sucked, it stays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Located for when people took the SD cards out of the cameras. Yeah. Not just to hold them like this. Uh huh. Because if they get damaged. They're done. I mean you're fucked. Yeah. Where'd you shoot? Madison, Wisconsin at the Orpheum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're still, you're still part of this. You gotta. Yeah, I did this thing for TV is like this just half hour little silly thing and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is strange too because, she called me. I thought there was no outgoing calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told a crowd that they were horrible. And, and then this man just yelled up from the back, what's your definition of happiness? I'm like, what are we even doing? Not this. I know that we're not going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, and you look out and you see people having fun. Yeah. And you go, well, maybe they drove in, maybe they flew in, maybe they have a hotel, maybe they have a babysitter, all this stuff. And all you want to do is spend an hour just face fucking the person that's asking you what's your definition of happiness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna take all of their happiness away from you. I know. But then you have to, you have to remember there are people there to have fun with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two weeks into dating my girlfriend she goes, uh, she goes, I really think we're supposed to be together. Do you think that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the, that's the same thing. It's like don't, don't come at me with your stuff or else I'm going deep. Yeah. I'm going deep into my own head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care if you have, if you say that stuff to me, it doesn't make me uncomfortable. But then don't go, do you, are we on equal playing fields? Yeah. That's too much for me. That's putting me on the spot. But only because it's too early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you, so do you start a conversate, do you ask a question only to get, to give your answer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at least you waited for his answer. I have an uncle that wouldn't even stop his breath. It would be a continuous, he'd be like, hey, what do you think about this Christmas tree? Well, when I was a boy, Christmas trees made me feel, it's like, whoa. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like when you go through a drive through and then somebody, they go, hey, do you want to try our, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicken taquitos? And you go, well that's why I came here, but not anymore. I don't want you to think you have power of suggestion over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I just don't, I want that person to know, listen bro, I'm my own fella. I'm gonna order what I want. I'm a big boy and I've earned it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you. Change the wording. Is life good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said exactly what I told you, even if I did think that, I will not tell you that right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put me on the spot. Because yeaah, because we've had this conversation, cause she has done that before, where she'll just, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm not a flexible human being. So when I cross my legs in a weird way, I go, Oh yeah, that's my hip flexor. And so when I'm sitting with her, I could be having the greatest time, but I'm just kind of like looking, just staring, whatever. And she's probably worried I'm not having a good time, but I'm having a great time. Cause she's, she's wonderful. So are you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe later? Maybe after the situation? Like hey, hey, 20 minutes ago, were you happy we were?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing cards? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or something like that. Then you don't feel as much as...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That level of pressure. You know, the more I talk about this, the more I realize I'm just a huge bitch. That sucks. After I answered that question, I go, well, something's wrong with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what this could be? It could be from movies from the 80s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without having to go there to learn that I'm the right person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just want to sit and enjoy. Listen, here's the thing. If I'm not having fun, I'll leave. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, if you're sitting by me, and any part of your body's touching my body, you don't have to ask me if I'm having a good time, cause I'm putting up with this extra goddamn heat, cause I wanna be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the ultimate letting someone touch you and making you warmer. Yeah. If she's ever like, I'm having fun, are you having fun? It's like, I fucking left five million pounds a year lady. Yeah. I'm having a great time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Megan's coming up with a children's book called The Bench and it just opens with, this is where my family makes me sit. Out in the entryway on a bench.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm throwing this out there. I'll sword fight him. No training.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I've seen 50 pictures of him and he just looks the same, but with dyed hair when he's younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he looks good. I wonder if people, I wonder if people are gonna do this when I'm king. Yea, I know. I wonder if they're gonna look for pictures of me. Chad is hot. He used to be. Where? He used to be good, exactly. Well check him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about that one? That's cute. I was gonna make sure she looked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not top of the food chain in there. In there, yeah. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the noise we hear the spine snapping? I don't know. I don't think they're awake anymore, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know, that's uh, it's not horrible and it's not hilarious. Yeah, yeah. It's like, uh. But weights do beat human. Weights do beat human, especially, uh, fucking old Ichabod crane legs. I mean, what are you doing? You gotta build your muscles up first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had a buddy in a softball tournament, really athletic dude in high school, but gained a ton of weight after high school. And he was trying to turn a, well, actually it should have been a triple, but he's just overweight at the time. And so he tried to go into second base and he slid too early and we heard this snap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was just holding his leg up, and his foot was completely just dangling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, so he has a bunch of like metal in there, a bunch of screws and everything. And then we got a little too intoxicated playing golf and it was raining. And so we were doing that thing where you crank the wheel and hit the brakes and spin and we're up on a hill and the cart fell on him and did the same thing to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went in and they said, uh, there's not a lot we can do for this, we can set it, but there's so much arthritis from the first time, that they're like, you're gonna be limping for the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty brutal though, just to go in and your cleat catches. And then all of a sudden you're just holding it up to your friends cause you're a little bit in shock. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was just walking into Walmart where it's where I have to get my groceries and you texted me what, how the fuck are you doing that? And I was just, I was giggling and people were staring at me. But when you walk into Walmart, they're like, yeah, this is perfect. People just giggle at themselves. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, you know, doing these little things throughout my career and, uh, Louis CK just always seems to be one. So I filmed a special at ACME.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long time ago, just for like, it was like 10 grand or something. Nothing. I was gonna put it out on YouTube for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it was already shot and before I made the announcement, Louis gave us like, Hey, I'm going to put this special out for free on whatever. And so he's just always one step ahead of me. And so the morning I was going to do these two specials, my buddy Ali texted me and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited for you. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I'm excited for them to come out and just have people see it. And as long as, you know, like I said, I think if they know the story, it'll people be like, Holy shit, these are in one take. Yeah. But if people are like, Oh, he shot two of these and this is what he got. No, it'll be, it'll be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's satisfying, but I just wanna, I have so many like, bad questions, like, is he gonna know how to chew now? Because that seems like he'd probably use that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I watch stuff like this and I go, I'm right not to care about others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, you want meat, but it's, she's all done up. And she's, this is like kind of a braggadocious kind of, I eat raw meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a, is this the young female version of come and get it like the last one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And I did notice there was a, I think a purposeful sloppy noise while she was eating. Yeah, that was probably. I think that was on purpose. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, okay. I'll need, uh, instructions on how to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know when this water's gonna raise. Did you feel the anxiety? I mean, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a buddy in high school that was uh, his, his brother would put you through these tortures to see if you were able to still hang out with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one of them was, they had a wooden box in their garage where you'd put all the, all the sporting balls or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which I look at my buddy and I go, oh man, I don't know if I'm willing to do this to hang out with you anymore. At one point they took a little wiffle ball bat that was cracked, and they'd smack you all over, just little smacks, but the crack would cut you a little bit, and they'd pour lemon juice over you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I get stung in my extremities, there's a white line that starts going towards my, my trunk, no matter where it is. And so it's kind of like a fuse. So I can watch it and once it starts to slow down, I don't have to worry about it. But if I get stung in the chest or the throat or anything like that, I'm, I'm in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I stepped on a, um, like a railroad tie when I was leaving a green, the 18th green, and there was a, like a ground nest in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got stung in the ankle, but I got stung so many times that I could kinda see the white line. It was already to my knee. And then you just stabbed yourself? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's, cause outside it's, I mean, you're, you're walking for five hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yea, you don't want to be starting, I mean, you certainly could, but I'm saying if you're talking about people that are already going to Pebble Beach, you don't want to join at 45 and then go, when are we going to Pebble? Because you're going to be pretty frustrated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I started maybe 11 years ago because I was playing softball and it kept getting rained out. And I was like, this sucks. So then my buddy was like, we play through the rain in golf and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I started golfing and, uh, I love it. I was real bad at first. I would miss the ball sitting on a tee in front of other grown men. That's tough. Super exciting stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you take lessons at all, or was it just? I took a couple lessons, probably five years ago or something, but my swing changes all the time, just cause it's homemade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty fun getting out there. I know that. I like gambling. Too much, some would say. You like gambling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't golf without gambling. Oh, so you have to get action. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you don't, but you, you know, you can check your handicap on your phone and the issue is, you know, got sandbaggers, of course. Yes. People that have a higher handicap, they're better than their handicap. Yeah. So they get extra strokes, but you know, sometimes then it's kind of fun to just gently push their shit in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you pay like per hole? That's how I talk when I golf. Is this how you, is it like per hole kind of game? It can be. Yep. It can be per hole or it can be just the entire match or we play this, this game where it's, um, starts at $2 for the first hole and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you tie, it grows exponentially, not just an extra two dollars. So by, I can't remember what it was, but it was something like, if you tie the first 17 holes, it's 72,000 something dollars. Dang. Now I don't think you would ever tie all the way through, but it's, the potential is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've walked away with some real scratch on one of these. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we sometimes gamble for too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's fun. It's very fun. I think I have a little advantage getting up in front of people for a living. Yeah. Cause then when you're like putting on the 18th hole. Yeah. My hands aren't shaking and you can see people physically, you know. Pussies, yeah. This is my mortgage man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like the fa- it says official, his name is official.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In case there's somebody else beating up their furniture, pretending to be him. Oh, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without the Nunchucks, I wouldn't- I would walk away from him. With a HEADTACK!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my daughter, we were walking down the pier in San Francisco, and this guy was kinda making those noises towards her, and she barked at him. She, she turned, she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, well, I saw it on a video. That's what you're supposed to do when people are, you bark at them and it confuses them. It scares them. And it worked. I was just going to let him beat the shit out of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the outside video of the first video we saw with the guy's yellow teeth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a golden doodle and I don't know if you know, their tongues are like maybe a foot long. Yeah. And so I'll come home from playing basketball or something and he'll start licking my ankles, but it goes all the way around. It's the grossest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lick. It's the most sexual dog lick. He's licking all your sweat up. So disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you can get the asshole and the balls, same lick. Same lick. Yeaah. Yeaah. You think I didn't research what kind of dog to get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I also don't do it with other people so I can't catch strep from them, and that's why I haven't gotten strep in over a year. Duh. Claps. Thank you. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, head on over to ymhstudios.com slash rentals. You can get a seven day pass to watch YMH Live 8, the greatest one yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want this guy to be like, and then you look right here in the crotch and you can see everything is right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Go there and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I'm a huge fan. I've slept on all of them. You gotta try one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. Your mom's house podcast. We're back in Austin. Uh, it has been a minute. We were doing the show, uh, from Los Angeles, from the old studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which uh, they actually, they actually put dynamite in there and they blew it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some of those things were lost in the damage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's good to be home. It's good to be back. Uh, I heard some people lost their lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the thing is about bad neighborhoods, that when you lose people there, it doesn't really matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is important is to save people in good neighborhoods. Absolutely, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to look back, uh, not too long ago, there was a massive fires in, uh, Bel-Air and Malibu, and the fire department did the right thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They made sure to save those nice people's houses and lots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they saved the valuable homes. Of course. The valuable contributors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why we want to salute the fire departments today of a society that value high value people. That's what a fire department is for. Protecting those who matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I have real, um, gnarly taste that people go like, ugh, to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think they're so fucking out of their minds with this, you know? They hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do, and they all, it seems like they do it in, in, in unison, in uniform, uh, uh, messages, you know, these mayonnaise, you know, mayonnaise is not like a hard to find condiment. You're like, do you have a special store that might have mayonnaise? It's a very common condiment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but there are variants, you're right. There's the garlic, there's the spicy mayonnaise. There's all different types of mayonnaise. I'm a big fan of all of them. And if that means that I just get to say black people are wrong, then I don't mind. You know, I don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what's your dressing if you had to go with a dressing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, well look, let's get this clip going and then we can get back into this conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is a very important conversation. Alright, here, here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. Uh, so, a lot of people don't know that that's uhm, that's in Tampa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, this is the UK fad smoker, I guess. And uhm, he, he, this cop is just like, hm, doesn't know what's going on. And he's just approached by this guy who's really, you know, fired up about the fact that he's being stared at by this cop. This guy's like, I'm not looking at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh here, where, uh, uh, what's it here? Stadforshire?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This cop has like a really good disposition about this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I noticed that too, I think it's actually, it's part of uhm, shock and processing, when someone, cause I noticed that with Fedsmoker too, a lot of times when he would come with the, with the business, that you'd get a lot of just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's actually some of what's going on. Some of it is he's just like, be calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, don't overreact, but some of it's also like, what is, what is happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants, cause like the famous, you know, um, Hey, what kind of job, you know, how do you get a job here? That guy starts to escalate and that fires her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the whole thing is like calm and neutral just gets them to walk away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you go, what the fuck do you say to me? And he goes, I'll tell you what I fucking said. You know? Yeaah. Yeaah. It's really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what I'm saying, I don't, uh, the correct pronunciation...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might be, uh, it says ketchup. Yeah. But I don't say that. Yeah, I don't say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, most university people say it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wait is almost over. A new football season is about to begin. Get ready for the NFL week one action with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bet on any NFL team of your choice, and if your team leads by 7 points at any point during the game, you get paid instantly, even if your team loses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use the promo code MOM to get $200 in free bets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instantly when you place a $5 bet on any football game. That's code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say this about caviar. I don't think it's disgusting. I uhm, I like it, I enjoy it. I don't go, oh my god. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, oh, I can't, I can't believe that we get to have caviar. Like this is my favorite. I just kind of eat it. I wouldn't even say indifferent. I'm, I'm favorable to it, but I'm not like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good, uh, point is oysters. I hate oysters too. Yeah, you can definitely taste the difference in quality. Sea urchin is one where I, I learned why sea urchin, um, sucks sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because it's one of the only, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fish products that they don't have to dispose of because it doesn't go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically bad. Like, you buy fish, if you're a restaurant, uhm, you know, I don't know, a day or two, they're like, okay, we have to dispose of this fish now. But the sea urchin doesn't go bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a while. So you can be served sea urchin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's five or six days old. It's not gonna make you sick, but it's not fresh anymore. And that restaurant a lot of times will still hold on to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And serve it. So what you're eating is just like not fresh. You don't really know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you go have fresh sea urchin somewhere, and it is notably different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's like... I hate it too. It's a lot of, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of those things where the name is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So well, like the brand is such an incredible brand name because it's associated with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember trying, I got to try it in high school. Uh, somebody had it for like a, you know, like a prom or something and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I don't know enough about champagne. I learned that, you know, that time that I drank that $5,000 bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dana White and, and Brogan and a couple other people and he ordered multiple bottles of it. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That particular bottle was a bottle of red from Italy and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really good. Everybody liked it, right? But when you learn the price, you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you learn that the reason you're paying or someone is paying that much is really just because of the exclusivity of it. It's because that make that vintage makes a small number of bottles. So there's only, you know, the less there is of something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The more rare and if there's demand, the price goes up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, 200,000 bottles of that thing a year, the price wouldn't be that. But if they go, we make 20 cases a year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the way it goes. So the flavor is good, but there is this point where you're like, this is how much, like this is fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recession that has, I guess, I don't know if it's officially begun, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but things are, things, you can see that, uh, prices of luxury items are going down. Second, I mean, you know, in the aftermarket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's usually because less people are going to be buying them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so fancy, you're supposed to be, you're sophisticated if you like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I'm very comfortable saying about you, you do not have a sophisticated palate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I mean, is he speaking at CPAC there? Isn't that that conservative, uhm, like, uh, right? Fund, whatever it is that fuels the, or funds the Republican arm, most conservative arm. They're like, bring in fucking Victor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked my memory. My best memory of Hungary was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I got to Budapest, I got picked up by a driver who was Hungarian and he spoke


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Hungarian obviously, some English, but he spoke really good Spanish. Oh. Because he was a tennis player and when he was like, when he was younger and so his family


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they were trying to kind of develop his, you know, his potential, moved to Spain for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we ended up, uhm, speaking in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the car, which was fun, you know, it was just like, uhm, rapping with this guy in, in, uh, uhm, in hungry in Spanish. And he's a young guy still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And explain to me all, you know, and with a guide and I was like, I was 14 and I was like, yeah. And he's like, let's go to the next one and you go in there and it would have like a passageway underneath, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of, of like, whatever, 500 year old and you know, you see it one or two and you're like, oh cool. And then he's like, we will now go to the next church and you will see how that's laid out. Churches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get older you realize they're just trying to show you like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Culture and also something they're proud of, right? Because it's architecturally impressive and yea, there's history to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's fascinating to see how, how depraved and evil people can get. Uhm, it's crazy that we do this to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's somebody, by the way, I'll show you that, um, uh, Viktor Orban, the Hungarian president, would not like. Okay. This is a, a tailor in, uh, I believe in China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, uh, can you, can you pull up his page? Like, what are we doing? We should be fucking just watching his videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's fucking with him. I think he's making a joke, you know. But he's 18. Yeah, he's making aggressive jokes about, you know, whatever. But I don't know, is that something he does with like every, every guy that comes on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, let's not, let's do the other stuff. I wanna see him talk to adults. Oh jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suit jackets, suits in general, there's a reason why they've lasted generations is that it can make any man


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, suits are amazing and if you are trying to cover something up, you have some flaw, getting into a suit is the best idea. The best thing you can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Hong Kong is a 24 7 city, you know, like that's a city you can go out at like four in the morning. And I just feel like he's probably been like, Oh, I fucked half the city or something, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the truth. I'll be honest with you. Okay? Okay. I wanna reach out!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would be great? Is if this was just a recent thing. Like he just started to open up like this. Where he's just like, I go out, now I fucking grope dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you know he was super professional with some of these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go back to the other page, uh, the previous page and, uh, athletes, cause I feel like he might be maybe a little friskier with them. Uh, then same page. Looks like the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean this guy, I want this guy to be like, and then you look right here in the crotch and you can see everything is right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what do you think, let me ask you this. What's the real life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody gets it all, right? Nobody gets it all. Physically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's blessed. He's also supposed to be very smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. He, he, apparently, I learned this from our show, is that he live-streamed himself, uh, like, um, putting together a computer. You know, like putting the parts together and like assembling it. But I don't think that's a big enough flaw. I think there's gotta be a glaring flaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where if he's like old school, uh, uh, like Downton Abbey style when it comes to sex where he's like, I will never put my mouth in your nether regions, you know? He's like, that's where you go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if she's physically perfect, right, that's what we're going with. She's physically perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, if she was super religious, that's out of the gate. Um, if she, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, if she just laughed at stupid shit all day, you know, that's a real deal breaker too. Like if her, like what she finds funny made me go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be like, oh, yeah, but I think that actually it's not just about watching the big bang theory. It's going to bleed into other things that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your taste, your humor has to kind, you don't have to have the same sense of humor, but you can't be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, where you don't find any of the same things funny? That's a big deal. You have to have, some of them have to line up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if she never knew what she wanted to do or what she liked, that would make me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it has an expiration date in how long you can tolerate it. Yeaah. You know, you just can't tolerate that stuff for that long. You just go like, no, I can't do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if they're always being like, can you believe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what actually, you bring that up and I was just at Niagara Falls and of course I took photos, I took photos, but what stands out to me, like what I recall the most are the moments


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I wasn't taking a photo. Yeah. We were just standing there, looking at this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I have burned into my memory those moments, not the moment of the camera up taking the pictures, you know. And they have the, you know, there's this, uh, a tale that, or this, uhm, what is it called, the famous lore that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you stand and you stare long enough that you'll want to jump in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so both of them, usually you're gonna, you're gonna fail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20, 30 people a year go over the falls. The majority of them die. Our deaths are suicides. Most, most take place from the Canadian and Horseshoe Falls. Many of those suicides are not publicized by officials. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just staring at that water. It was drawing me in. It was drawing me in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, people do that too and they think they'll be fine and they're not. The force of it, that's the thing that you're, I think it's 700,000 gallons a second or something's falling over. I swear to God, it is so powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, jumping off the bridge, let's say. The bridge, sorry. Or like, if one were to jump off anything. But, when you, when you go at the falls, you're under the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 68 miles an hour is fucking, you're moving dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But I wanna know how, how fast you hit the water off the bridge. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jumpers hit the water at set, yeah. Jumpers died, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, probably it just knocks you out and then you're underwater. So yea, yea. Yea, you definitely just, you definitely die. Most people die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have survived the barrel, but it's not, not, doesn't go well usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if I was wearing the right suit and Sam's sweet tailored ass, if I could survive that fall. You know, if he, if he cupped my ass. Yeah, don't, don't, you should definitely not try that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was interesting how they pulled it off because you know the crew you know and love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they brought in this new crew of like younger, fun, like twenty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe 30 year old, uh, kids, I think most of them are 20s actually, who were down to try all this crazy shit. It's so funny to watch 20 year olds do the stunts and just go like ba-boop and bounce up. And they're like, that hurt. And then you see these guys 50 doing it and they're like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, like you're barely fucking moving, you're like, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This happens when you age. It's a good thing you had some of them. But it was really entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New, like such crazy new ideas and I laughed my ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funniest, uh, the funniest, the saddest thing I've heard though is that, that I don't want to give everything away, but that the last bit really actually hurt Knoxville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it has some residual effects, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have it a little bit I think in the com- like if you're in comedy because you're in a kind of jokey world, but most comedians-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Draw the line in their circles about like pranking each, you know, they don't really prank each other. They kind of, you kind of do that when you're new, when you're like open micing and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're figuring this whole world out. You guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think most people hit an age where they're like, nah, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of, it kind of, you get through that in college, college is kind of the end of that for most people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually. Or sadistic dudes doing it to women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I never would because I was, I was weird cause I, I wanted girls to like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of terrifying chicks, don't you have a message to read if something came in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ted Bundy tried to get my mom to help him load his boat at Lake, uh, Sammamish, is that how you say it? State Park, Washington, 1974. She said no and later saw him on the news for everything he did. I am dying laughing at the joke that the 50 women deserved it and he almost


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you almost killed me when I was an egg, so that could trigger me. Yeah. Could trigger you. That's pretty well. Well good for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same, the same kind of thing in the wild, uh, meaning in nature that predators go after vulnerable prey, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, somebody that's, uhm, like, not big and strong. That's not like, I mean, if you watch lions hunt, they don't go, oh, is that the biggest water buffalo? They go after the one that's slower, meek, older, sick, yeah, young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the world is full of psychos. Yep. Here's another email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Christina and Tom, after watching the latest episode where you talked about Dirty John, I thought I would tell you guys this crazy story. My mom dated John Meehan at all four years of high school and only broke up with him because he was too focused on basketball. But I guess she never realized what a straight up knucklehead he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they stayed friends. Even after that fucking whack job showed up to her wedding a few years after they broke up and tried to sabotage the thing, she still kept in touch with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still to this day, she has nothing but great things to say about John, and refers to him as one of the great loves of her life. Fucking wild. She was interviewed by the show's producers, and they told her that the stories and memories she has of John were way too positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not the one who had to stab that chomo in his eyeball. Ta ta there, retards. John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, yeah, he was probably less, he was probably less.