[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, let's see. It says there's a bunch of stuff here. Glassing techniques and tips for spotting deer. Top 10 glassing tips. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More than Bill. Bill's out of his mind. Bill's not a psycho. Bill's such a psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you could hunt for your family? I don't know man, I don't know. I'm really not into the idea. It does not entice me at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I still am going back to I can't believe you're putting me ahead of Bill on the psycho list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so clearly a psycho. Why? Paranoid psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have a conversation, he's so much more fired up. He's like an angry ranter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't laugh at him killing her. I laughed at the guy's reaction to Henry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laughed at his reaction to getting smushed by a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because they were comical and a lot of people agreed that it was a funny reaction. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're trying to paint me as more of a psycho than that redheaded freak. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best answer for glassing, looking at it through magnification, either binoculars, riflescope, usually when the term is said, it means looking through binoculars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the, uh, the supercut of, uh, of Dad Boner, Dad Boner the Hunter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know where that is. I remember where that guy was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your energy needs to go somewhere else. And some dudes like, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it coincides with testosterone dropping. So it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll be like, what am I gonna put my, my, you know, my drive into a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is, what was that, what episode was back when?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was excellent, man. That was so good. Is it in here? Uhm, maybe it's so funny, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's, I'm a bike, remember that. I'm a bike! Remember that lady? No. You don't remember that? She sat on the front of a bus, a city bus, and she goes, I'm a bike!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she made them, tried to get them to take her. Cause they're like, this is for bikes. And she goes, I'm a bike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yelling at the thing. I don't know where it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, I got it as soon as I got to New York this week. I had a big old nasty travel day dump and it was nice cause the hotel bathroom was so tight to the sink. So at least you could go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like you sat next to a sink, so you could soak toilet paper, you know what I mean? That's even nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of dad boners and Garth, we uh, we have an older...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex. Now you go, okay, listen to how he describes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. So he's been this boner for a long time. This is an old interview. This has got to be 20 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even close. Why? That dude is unbearable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my, and he's disgusting. He's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's fooled himself. He's a megalomaniac superstar. But that dude is gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gross and full of himself. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garth has, at least you're gonna have a nice situation to do it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I have no idea where they are. I have no idea. None. Where the Perfect Smiles are, please don't ask me. But uhm, you know, it's an unpaid sponsorship. Nobody asked us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To promote the perfect smile, nobody paid us to promote the perfect smile. We just got perfect smiles on our own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we wore them and we showed them to everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Instagram and I don't think it could be any better man. I felt so much more confident. I feel like I'm going to get that date. I'm going to go, I'm going to go get that interview. I'm going to get that job now that my teeth are perfect. So we have perfect smiles now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I did talk. I'm talking about how you gave me the perfect smile. I'll put it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just told them how much more confident I felt just getting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but you put them in your lips, and then they'll actually, you actually look like you have old...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old eastern block teeth. When you wear them like that, yea. Right now they just look like, oh wow, she had her teeth fixed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine look like dog teeth. I look like a dog smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think if you were on a date with somebody though, and they had these in, you'd be able to tell? You'd be like, what is up with their teeth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the problem with this also is that it sits on your other teeth. So somebody who has like, let's say, two bad teeth here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know this guy John wrote to us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. And did his denim come up there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he, uh, he got him, he got him tailored. Much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, total jeans confidence. Uhm, nice job sir. John, is it? Good job. We allow you to wear your jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you wonder about making dog food since you ate some a while ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it seems like you really are enjoying dog food. You're always bringing that up as something to get treats with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Serena Williams, the greatest female tennis player of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well that's very true. But look at that menu. That's a doggy menu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It also sounds like it affected her dumps. But she didn't say it smelled like dog food. Remember it didn't smell like dog shit, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that would have made this better would be at the end if she was like, Tom Square, you gotta buy me some jewelry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had a one bite and it made her shit like that. That's crazy. Now then again, her system might be so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, strictly- Clean. Yeaah, because she's a pro athlete that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like you, like any little variation maybe makes brown happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, where's she staying? Well, you mean, those are the prices for dogs. I can't imagine what the people prices are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mid 2014 was the height of the value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it just shows, it's just a chart. It was up to 1.4 times. What are you eating, stupid? Just over 1.4 times the value. So almost one and a half times. And then 2015 saw the biggest dip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To almost equal words, which is basically where it's at now. It's almost equal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, no, because they're out of the euro market now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it, uhm, next summer. Like a year and a half. I think a year and a half you could still get him to sit in your lap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't eat. I went on a date with this. By the way, the date went great. I think she really liked me and I just didn't eat, you know, and she was like, aren't you going to order something? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a late lunch. I had a late lunch, so I don't have much of an appetite. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, what about, she goes, can I get a kiss? Good night. I go, I'm not one to rush to, to, to do that. So maybe on a second date and I'll take it out and give her a kiss. Good night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like somebody I would hire. As soon as I saw that I was like, she's got a nice smile. I think I can hire her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. That girl's got a perfect smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who do you want to work, who do you want to represent in your company? Is it this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is back when he had his teeth, see? It looks better. So much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he does. Yeah, those teeth aren't good. Those are weird teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody said, I think I said it back then, that if, uh, he's the kind of guy that if people stop talking about his haircut, he would change it. But because people are like, that guy's cut your hair, he's like, nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy looks like he's retarded because of his haircut. He's an interesting guy. His name is Mark. Let's go talk to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a little misdirected energy. A little bit, a little, little bit. Uhm, let's see, somebody, there's some emails here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which YMH song should these mommies train their kid to? Someone said. I'm about to become a mommy myself. Our Carl's Jr. is due March 2nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not right around the corner. Uhm, my friend...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recently recommended me to begin a song, to sing a song every day, to baby jeans, and then when baby jeans is born, it will recognize the song and go to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said it worked for her, so why not give it a try? My husband and I have been trying to figure out which


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house song would best suit this instance. We were hoping to have some insight from the main mommies. Husband is leaning towards Red Red Wine. I tend to lean towards Miami Fart Machine. But worry, it might be too energetic for Carl's Jr to go to sleep to. Thoughts? Suggestions? Thank you, Katie and Ryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, something that auto, you know, they hear it and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems really aggressive for, uh, for a kid, I think. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about that, uh, that fart song? That, oh my gosh. That's a good nice song to go to sleep to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is clearly a modified sample of uhm, what's that Marvin Gaye song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, anyways, it's making me crazy. Uhm, yeah, I think my cunts, uh, really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it really is, uhm, I'm trying to think if there's any other...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here's what you at first suggested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I think that's a good wake up in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Unless you want it to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that new instrument, no one even knows what it is. It's fucking dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, let's see. Hi, mommies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, I don't mean to be two ends of a cunt but do you mind if I take a picture?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jeans, would you rather lose your voice and only be able to speak through soundboard drops from the podcast for a month?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the dilemma? I guess if you want to talk like top dog for a year, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm almost there, so I feel like it's really easy for me to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a top dog. People keep telling me too, they're like, oh, you sound a lot like your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. It's kind of depressing though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No definitely, just talk like my dad for a year. A month of fucking answering questions from a sound, like can you imagine trying to express yourself all day like that? That would be horrible man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather have to start every conversation talking retarded?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the thing is, I think people would really look at you so much crazier if you started talking retarded. As opposed to baby they'd be like, this is eccentric. If you talk retarded, if you were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the idea. Andrew. Thinking about doing a whole retarded act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I can't see him not thinking it would go well. I would take the baby talk by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's how I'd walk in. Hi everybody. Hi. See, they would just think like, oh, he's like a sweet, like a nice dopey guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would also look at you like, why are you doing that? You know? More so, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says start every conversation. It's very specific, would you rather?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather have all your meals be chewed by each other and fed like a baby bird for a week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like I would chew it up, I would chew it up, and then I would chew it up, and then I would, then I would chew it up and then I would put it in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disgusting. I think it's so gross though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I mean, I would vomit if you're chewing at foods. I would vomit. And I think, and you're supposed to do it for a week. I mean, I just, you know what? The wet socks is horrible, but it's like anything you kind of adapt after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of the small, humongous inconveniences. I mean, I know people are talking about this whole Syrian situation, but I feel like wet socks is even more- The biggest problem. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely, looks like you spent years and not with those nails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nasty. Thank you guys for listening to the show. Please visit the new store. Uhm, you can get through to it. You can go to TomSegura.com, click on the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house podcast dot com click on the store. We're now part of merch method. Uh, we have the new DJ dad mouth shirt up and we restocked a bunch of shirts. Bikes has been restocked. Um, yeah, that was just a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that was a couple other, yeah, it's fine. A couple other ones, uh, we restocked. I think it was a high and tight, maybe a FIFO one. So those are ready to go. Please check out the store and thank you to all the Patreon subscribers, patreon.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few bucks gets you an extra episode of your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every month. So thank you everybody for listening to that. We gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello Jeans is here. This is, uh, DJ Stanimom, uh, also known as Guy with, uh, Bite the End of Your Dad's Dick Off. Uhm, here we go. I love it. Thank you guys for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it actually was a big, yeah. Lot, lot of feedback after we put it out there that we didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's so beyond anything. Here's the thing too, is that they're not dumb enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To know how to conduct an interview, you know? Like most people, if they're into incest, would be like, uh, and just, you assume would just, you know, not, not even sit down to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great point. I know you had a really interesting story about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also, you, the thing that I like is that you've mentioned it a lot. You've talked about it quite a bit since then. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is just ex-ex-exactly like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, uhm, you know, I wish I could help, but it's just not ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm willing to go wherever you're willing to take me right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a reasonable theory. You could be on to something. And it's interesting too, it's a very interesting theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they are. So hopefully, hopefully that dump comes real soon, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now. That's silly. Alright, we haven't even officially opened our show. We probably should. Oh gosh. What are we doing? Oh heavens. Uhm, let's get in there. Let's do it. Ready? Ready. Let's do it, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to a new addiction of yours. It's called your mom's house podcast and we are practicing signing. Uh, I want to toss your salad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, how to ask for ketchup, and I was like, no, and they were like, you say like, uh, concha tu madre, and then they'll bring it, and I was like, I'm not that fucking dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I do, I'm saying he's one of those guys who puts off like, oh shit, like real intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Since that. Not hurting animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why. And the high cheerer. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all are. They all are. But they have totally different personalities. A hundred for all three of them. They're very different. Same household.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then the youngest one is very much a young, you know what I mean, the young, the baby of the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I told you was kind of like one of the most exciting parts of that wedding was hanging out with those dudes because they were like my, my homies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of don't know where it is now. No, between. It's a fucking goddamn thing. There's vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, asshole, no, you go no, and then you go between. Between.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've wanted you to do it every day since I've met you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cleanliness. Super clean. It's really really clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happened was, uh, that's uh, tour shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm bringing them with me everywhere, let's see. I'll show you, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The door shirt. It's uh, it's like for the door. Let me see. Here it is. Let's see if it comes up. It's the no teeth, no entry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With no teeth in the front. Dave, uh, Dave Glock drew it. Very talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very talented guy. Very nice. So anyways, that was a messenger dropping them off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have, I have some with me every week. I can't like bring, you know, tons and tons but I bring some with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this, it's a pain in the ass. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I even tell you what happened? No. Oh man, over the weekend, one of the cities...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And then we counted the money and it was off. And he's like, and he started doing like, uh, um, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess, you know, just count it again. And then he, uh, yeah. So, and then he kept looking around, like, I go, like, do you think money's laying under shirts or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was just like this ongoing thing. So I told the promoter, I go, I'm going to go here and talk to some friends. You handle it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, 20 minutes later I went back. He had miscounted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You knew how many tickets are involved, right? Like you know exactly the price of the tickets. So the math is really, for somebody that's horrible at math, it's very easy and laid out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the guy was like, you sold out? So I'm like, great, that's that many tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what I have. And I go, yeah, there's not different versions of, of what it could be. It is this because the deal was X number of tickets at X dollars for the results of this percentage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the end he was like, you know what, you actually had the number right. And I was like, yeaah, of course man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this? What business are we? Speaking of another business, uh, how about the airline thing that happened to me this week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the coordinating travel is a horrible as most people know when you're coordinating it for a tour like I'm doing where it's a different city every day. It's really like, you know, stressful. So, um, and also I bring a, an opening act and I take care of their travel. So I reached out to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Management company and they were like, well, yeah, what people do is they use a travel agent who specializes in touring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So you go, okay, so I hire these people. It's really actually a really reasonable fee. They just put a fee on a ticket booked, right? And they get discounts, so you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I also get notifications on my phone when my card is used, the credit card, pops up, uh, like $7,500 charge pops up on my phone. I was like, whoa, what is that? So I call the credit card company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, it turns out, not only, uh, there was no fraud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The travel guy accidentally, he's explained it like on the profiles, that if he does things too quickly, that the profile doesn't like move on to the next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used your profile information for their ticket. And then I, not only was it that, but then I bought it for a very special guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's Robert Pattinson. He's a vampire. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, listen, I've been looking at Robert for about 7-8 years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long enough to feel like I owe him a 7500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like a, like a button, like a square, almost like a baby nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, those big British eyes, like those jawline, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like her. She's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Jeez. She's an animal. Not like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she didn't know all of it. She seems like the kind of person that would be down with any of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's doing videos about how to say, toss it, and I want to toss out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, you know, actually not sometimes. I think 99% of the time it was as couples where like the guy would be like, he would not go for it. And she'd be like, uhm, I, uh, I would lick your butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm supposed to say I would lick your butthole, and then I would look at the guy and be like, see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, oh okay, thank you so much. Special. It does feel like a really nice thing to say to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was kind of like maybe, I don't know, I felt like kind of like I was in a wheelchair and somebody goes like, oh, you know, I would fuck you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, oh, thanks. Not that like, if you're in a wheelchair, no one says that, but it felt kinda like they were putting their arm around me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was the last kid picked on the team. And they're like, you can play with us. You know, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it gets gameier throughout the day, of course, but right now it's not. That's sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, I showered. Showered. After the dump. Yeah, it does matter. Of course it matters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much going on politically. Uhm, and uh, one of my, you know, I love hearing the different perspectives on all the issues. Uhm, this is one that I'm very much captivated by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely fantastic. Uh, this is just a black guy in a blonde wig with a blue coat and a red tie, and he's Lil Trump. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me so happy. I saw it on the street watchers page on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just go on the front line. Front line. We're building a wall, baby. And then he says, we're gonna keep the motherfuckers out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the way he's talking it sounds like, you know, the way like a rapper would talk, we're taking over the industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why he would say the mansion as opposed to the White House. The best part of this clip is that that is, you know, presumably where it should end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I'm just saying, all I'm saying is if you're looking for maybe a unique perspective on the political situation, maybe little Trump is the way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yes. So, that's, that's just, I don't know, that's just my opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, one thing that we haven't visited in a while is coaching. I love coaches with a message and this is a little league coach, a little league baseball coach and it's pretty intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How he talks to children playing baseball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the way that kid's voice just sounded, I'm guessing 6 or 7 is the age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta teach them that losing sucks. Losing's not okay. Seriously. I believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, if that was... Excellent work. Yeah, that was great, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of, uh, leagues like that now, where they go, everybody gets a trophy. Oh, fuck off. Are you being serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's silly. You sound like a, like a old lady. Like, fuck that, good luck, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's probably also like, uh, I have three boys. She has three boys. So she's seen all the cock and balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. But she farts too. No, but she doesn't fart in front of us, but she farts. She's a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no one farts like you, so I'm sure she's not used to whatever you did for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you keep saying it? It's so gross. Why do you keep repeating it? You keep telling these stories. They're so terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's terrible? The story. Why? No one wants to hear that. About what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is? Frank Sinatra. Yes! I'm not entertained. I don't think it's great. It's also not singing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm walking into the, uh, there's ladies at the bar, ba-da-da-bop, and bring me a drink, la-la-la. And you're like, that's not really singing, man. You're just kind of like, uh, raising the pitch of your talking voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't have a problem with that at all. Right. Uhm, but I just don't feel like it's good music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I had to be honest, I'd rather hear Sinatra than Springsteen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think to like, to like a Springsteen fanatic, that's like a laughable one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That people, you see people having an experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With, with like music or something, right? So in this case, let's say with his music and then you digest it and you go, yeah, I'm not sharing that. I don't get that experience that you're having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the magnitude of his following, you're like, I think that's why I feel more lost by it. Cause I'm like, I don't even understand why 10 people are into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Eric Clapton did that one album, he did I think an acoustic album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think actually a huge punishment for me would be to go see like the E Street Band live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, I'm saying for what I could be, like, I watched their entire Hall of Fame induction, I was like, just, I couldn't roll my eyes any harder, and uh, I watched all these concert footage people sent me, I have zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I already have disdain for the East Street band. Okay. So I would at least go into Willis' band, like, well, you know, maybe I'll, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. I would see Sinatra. Okay. Wow. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] E-strip end. I hate death metal. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny to me. It doesn't seem like the kind of song where somebody could feel those emotions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's obtuse, it's a triangle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when they do like try to be connect with the kids. Right, right. Do a rap about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I mean like, doing that, like that as a, like that, making a pattern like, isn't there like a theme? Dude, I don't know. Like is that quilted? Is that, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what that's called? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I feel like southwest, uhm, like style, like that tie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is, that is a dog shit look, that tie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the hipster that has adopted the bolo western style. He can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think, uhm, I think I would prefer that we had, uh, not just, uh, massacred the people, but that style too, you know, because that's really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your stupid fucking tie off, yeaah. It's really ugly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if we hate anything quite that much together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean we have different preferences in shows, we'll find, that's when it's exciting to watch a show together, because separately we watch, last night I watched that kidnapping show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so terrifying what happened there and they have so much footage and photos of it and the testimony that uhm, you can't help but be, you realize that has to be literally one of the worst imaginable things is what happened there, which is super, super violent guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, you know, like scores were settled amongst prisoners first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beaten down, right? And then within moments, one of the prisoners got to the control board, opened all the, the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. The cells. And they started rioting. In the midst of the riot, prisoners...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's interesting. Yeaah, it's interesting. I mean, yeaah, they, so they murdered nine other prisoners were murdered within this, uhm, prison and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were the negotiator that the prisoner, that the prison used.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. The, uh, the, whatever. Administration. The police didn't believe him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, we gotta do it. So they killed a guard. Woah. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just ask that, but then, you know, these guys, the other guys that didn't get killed, the guards, they were held captive there for nine days. Imagine that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Few moments have been so entertaining that we need to find something boring


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just, you know, sometimes you don't believe that something could be boring and we'd like to dig it up and find it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, we've been, you know, we've been doing dad boner clips for a while now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, now we have, uh, a dad that is glassing about trains. About this specific train. This is from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I would love that to happen. You know? Like just as punishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's uhm, he's really stroked. Stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was after that. I don't remember now. You don't remember? I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The train guy seemed, uh, I think to be even way more excited than any of these other dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he tried to come up with, like, uh, a sportscaster's call about it. He was like, Chills!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have nothing to do with the weather outside. Like that's, that's what, you know, like a broadcaster says. He threw some extra dad flavor on it. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's obviously a trained devotee. A trained enthusiast, yes. He really fucking likes trains. It's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's this guy. Yeah, I wanted to save the excitement about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you guys know that the hey mommy and thanks jeans obviously have been hugely popular, uh, we get literally fucking dozens every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I'm trying to pull this up. Here it is here. This guy is in a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His name is Jet Ski Jeff, and he's in an Uber. He's in an Uber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he decides to just use, like show topics, like little talking points in his conversation with the Uber driver. It's so ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna do it for Hitler. Wow. It's such a strong start. It's so crazy if you're the driver to hear that, but we're gonna do it for Hitler. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a bunch came in of Hi Mommy, Thanks Jeans. You wanna see some? Yea, of course. Favorite segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the, yeaah. Like the word that Christina always says. Like, and I don't always say that. Like what she says first thing in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also did uhm, what's it called? Man. I just saw it. Oh yeaah, he did, he said uhm, I really like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has logos from some of the more popular, uhm, uh, drive through establishments, but it all, it has, you know, kind of different names on it. So there's burger, burger jeans. It says eat trash in the subway logo, overpriced coffee. It says, what does it say here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toxic Cal, it says farties for Arby's, it says pull out burger for In-N-Out, it says Tina's Chris Jr. for Carl's, your mom's house for Mickey D's and Tommy's old fashioned laughs for Wendy's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what we did too, because of, uh, that shirt snafu, we actually upgraded to a tri-blend, which is the, uh, which is the really soft shirts. So this is a really, really soft shirt and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, hey mommy, thanks James. It's a super insider shirt. Super. So, uh, it's on sale. Check it out. Go to, uh, Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click on the store and the link will take you to our merch page. Anyways, it's really cool. We had a lot of fun designing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Standard response now. It's just glasses. To when they go, is there anything else? You go, just give me a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everybody says it and it seems like everybody who's on the other end of that goes like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was silly. Short and sweet and silly. And he said high and tight and she's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's breaking it down for us. He's like, they don't know what these accents is going on. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're building a wall. We're gonna keep the motherfuckers out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my favorite thing. My favorite thing of the year so far. Yeah, I know you don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I talked to a doctor and he told me I drank so much water, I actually need to dial it back a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be at the House of Blues in Las Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Sunday, February 12th, we are doing the podcast. Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Irvine Improv in Irvine, California. Two shows. We're gonna do two different podcasts. Live. Seven and nine. The seven o'clock is sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my tour continues if you go to TomSegura.com slash...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vancouver, uhm, sold out a couple in Chicago, we added a show, we added a show in Detroit at Royal Oak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we added a show in Boston. So, uh, get tickets now or you'll miss out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] comseguro.com slash tour jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Uhm, alright. That's a fun show, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thank you guys for listening. Please check out yourmomshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll be back again next week. We love you. We thank you. Goodbye jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ThousandRanch.com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn around, mister. Let me see your hands. Slowly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we welcome guests too!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommy, uh, I've been slipping along this big huge menu, just glassing, and I think I'm just gonna do a hot and spicy McChicken and a large drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, listen to that, Bill. Ah, take a look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] La da da da, that's the way it goes sometimes. Abroad will not take your offer. Ba da bop bop!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our nanny is next door putting her baby down. Definitely heard that. You know, I bought our kid two fart books where it makes the fart sounds and the stories is about farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I noticed that she never, like that book's never on the top of all the other, it's always on the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what they did is like, you say your line, cut. Now you say your line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying he pulls it so hard that it bleats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a good acting face, yea. Yea. I know, disappointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many people we know did, not so many, but we know a couple people that did softcore porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, you know, they tell themselves a lie of this is just acting. It's sex acting. It's a lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did I. On a pilot I did. She's like, it's not porn cause the actors, uh, they wear a sock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't it be great if there was a softcore porn floating around starring Tom Segura now? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much for, how much to do a softcore porn now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't know. I haven't thought this argument through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, can I, can I read some, since we're on the sex topic, some fucking disgusting emails that we received. Hold on. I just have to find them. It'll just take one second, but it's so funny. What's wrong, James?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, remember we talked about dudes sharing flashlights and sex toys and how disgusting that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is from some dude, he writes, my friend had a flashlight. He gave it to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had my fun with it. That thing is the devil. They would call my name from where it was hidden. So I pass it off to my friend. It's had three owners now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of high and tight, I am an army veteran and I can tell you the use slash sharing of sex toys is rampant on deployment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I personally was an infantryman and was on the base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys get to the point where they are tugging off to scraps from old Playboy mags and pour to shitters at 120 degree heat, so the advent of fleshlights was heaven sent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most vets are savages and I know several dudes in my unit who shared pocket pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can only imagine the crime scene of bodily fluids and ball taint sweat that covered these things. No running water means spotty cleanup at best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in Iraq, there was a rumor about a platoon of guys who all got the same STD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can I ask you this, and I mean this as a sincere question, but what is it about the male species that you guys


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lack hygiene. Or that you're, you're just indifferent to hygiene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do. I noticed that with you, like if we haven't done it in a few days, you get angry. Like you start raging out like the Hulk and then I drain your green ball juice and then you stop hulking out, you turn back to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, is the lack of hygiene, cause also men tend to be sloppier about that stuff than girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that like you guys only do it when there's women around?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so there's no sense of like, I want to maintain my own body's cleanliness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Those start to go down. The highfalutin stuff, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Because as this man just told me, he's on base for one year with no women. It turned, it debases, it degrades into savagery. It does. Jerking off in the same flesh light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, unless she feeds him. Like he'll just starve. But did you eat anything? No. Unless she starts cooking, he just won't eat. He'll just go to In-N-Out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So our adorable, sweet, angelic, smelly good angel baby is going to devolve into a smelly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you kind of held it together because you and I started dating when you were 23, right? 25. So you, you really held together for me when I saw your bachelor pad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you had a mattress on the floor and there was no soap in your shower, but other than those two things it wasn't that, it wasn't bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So living with me now with all the good smells and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] luxury free? Like do you feel like, what does this feel like to live with a woman? It must be really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because I needed to read these emails. Hold on. Maybe I'll put it on the wireless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta turn off airplane mode. It's on airplane mode. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but this must be what it feels like when a dog is made to sleep outdoors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, what do we need you for? Uhm. Calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause Feef can bark, but- Thinking? He's not the most-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a few things he'll bring up constantly. Constantly. Like, and he does it to me now, to be like, you know, Christina, tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know what I would do if my parents were ever sweet to me like that. Like if my dad did that to me, my head might explode. Like I think I would get embarrassed inside because of the feelings. Oh right. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he told me yesterday when he came by? Uhm, that we should start hitting Alice pretty soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have actually, I've suggested writing a book on getting laid. Cause like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and now cause I'm an adult, I'm 40 and I have a child and I hear him talking, it's like an out of body experience for me. Cause I'm like, this motherfucker raised me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty crazy, right? We were like, wow, these are just people who raised me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so random people, like this guy just came in this lady and then here I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask me, yeah, what, what do you need? Can I do something for you? Nothing. She's working. I'm coming home. I have to cook. You know, it's really crazy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to his, to his defense, like, that's old school. That's what, yeaah. So he just did fine, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs that. He needs someone to take care of him, dude. Cause he's a total bachelor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my dad just devolves into, you know, drinking Fresca and eating ham with horseradish. And that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I gotta say, I don't mean to be distracting here, but you've got one long stray beard hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's going against the grain. It's like poking up towards your lip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. There you go. Does that feel so good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get that shit tightened up tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yeah, good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, can I read you an email about, uh, coconut swishing? Yeah. Which I, listen, listen, you better get your life if you're doing that horseshit. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a nurse, one of my favorite things in the world is to cruise YouTube and look for these losers that swish


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the toxins, you gotta get those toxins. You know what gets out toxins? Taking a good shit. That's what'll get rid of toxins. That's all that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have since I was a fucking fifth grader. You know what? I do want to get my tits worked on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I'm serious. I want them reduced. I want like a nice C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Plus my chair is like a cocoon, it's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy f- I didn't send it to you. Every one of our listeners sent this to us this last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, we must have got this video 20, 40 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, maybe it just aired or something, but we've been sent this so many times, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, my whole life. But I like to lay down a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, it's the mold, the mold smell. That's the best part. She thinks it's mold, babe. Are we going to pause right now so you can look up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's usually brought on by the trauma of some event. I'm guessing it's the death of her mother. Cause if she have a bucket of shit that she kept as a memento, she's like, this was my mom's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes my asshole pucker. I mean, don't you want human love? Like, wouldn't the need for companionship drive you to clean up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like her at all. I hate that we watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should cause I want you to bring the picture up on the screen so we can assess the situation together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Richie Cunningham from Happy Days, this is unacceptable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, super lame. Now I will compliment you on your color of denim. This is an appropriate wash. This is a totally good wash. The fit is really dumpy. It's obviously too big for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it, it's too, it's too, I mean, we don't want to make him look European, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's unacceptable to roll up your denim. A woman can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But after a certain age you just look like a mom. Like if you're over 30 and you roll up your denim you just look like a frumpy mom unless you're super skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I can tell right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, from a YMH perspective, these genes are very low and very loose. They need to be way higher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are great. I never had a pair until a couple weeks ago and now I'm hooked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got some tight pairs of those. Those feel nice. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy size. I'm very excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is, yeaah, this is, you know what, not as bad as other dad offenses I've seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. White denim, I don't think is acceptable either, unless you're European. Eastern European.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's how you can tell who's a tourist in LA is if you're wearing white denim and like chunky platform heels. I'm like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is hard for dudes. You really gotta find the brand that fits you right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no white sneakers with jeans too. I think that looks so corny. Like all white?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But light denim with white sneakers, that's terrible. Light denim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I wanna thank you, Tom. Uh, we were downstairs having an evening snack after we put LJ down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been eating a lot of protein and stuff and you made some sausage. Chicken sausage. Yea, I'm a huge fan of all things processed meats. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you took the sausage out of the microwave and it was piping hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pre-cooked, right. And uhm, you took one bite, and you took it in bite, and then you go, oh, do you want to try this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And immediately I was like, whoa, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom never offers me, offers me a bite of anything, cause that sausage is usually gone within 30 seconds, cause you will eat it piping hot and just burn your mouth like a bear does, or like uhm, like uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the bear is offering me offering food? I usually have to snatch it and run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go, this is terrible, right? Is that why you're offering it to me? This tastes like shit, huh? And you're like, no, no, it's, it's good. Just try it. Just try it. And it was, I took a bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The nastiest shit I'd ever had. It was like, it tasted like rose, I hate rosemary so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it feels like a weird rosemary and there are chunks of apple or something gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a cheap pepperidge farm one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true because I asked you if it was shitty and you were like, oh no, no, it's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really mean. I was so mad at you. You were? I was like, what? How dare you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would, and then you would be like, oh, that was terrible after you done, like that sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I don't, I don't do it either. Cause you realize it's not worth the calories. Like why torture yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sent it, yea, Blue Band sent it to us. Where is it? It's in a drop box somewhere. It's in your email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think that was the issue here. It was too harsh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, well now what I have to say is stupid because he pissed, it was so much funnier than anything I can say. No, the best part of this bit about your dad laughing at the jokes is that the dumber they are, the harder he laughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, that's the essence of a great dad joke, is that it's corny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's a real badge of honor for him that he doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't believe that. I never think about that every time your dad touches like my hand or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's my favorite moment of all time was the peeing. I'm so glad we could salvage that piece of audio cause that was like, man, I almost lost it when he pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is the end of America. This is it. This is the end of our empire. We're watching it decline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or some, anyone else will take over. We're so dumb. The majority of us are so dumb. It's just getting dumber and dumber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, those fuckers, they wind around you really quick too. Once they get that squeeze on ya, better go. And once it has you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look what happened to Steve Irwin, he was fucking with pythons and crocodiles and that motherfucker was fucked with everything. What got him in the end? Stingray. Stingray. Most useless animal in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it bad? I mean, or is it irony? It was like the universe fucking destined him to die that way. So bad. Poor guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's great cause she came out a few years ago and she's like, I'm not gonna be a slut basically. She's like, I'm not, I'm gonna dress like a normal...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, teenage girl. She said the pressure to look like a whore basically. She's like, I'm not gonna do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a dumb fuck. And I hate that these people all copied Steve Irwin now at these animal shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was doing that shit before the cameras were on him, for sure, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many of these phone calls do you think happen? Like, you know in House of Farts, where they call each other and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cocksucker. That's gonna be a word that will become forbidden very soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and not only that, it's not just homosexual men who are cocksuckers, straight women are cocksuckers too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that covers the whole planet as cocksuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, women suck dicks and guys suck dicks. Right. So there you go, we're all cocksuckers, not the straight guys, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you my meditation place now, they changed the bathroom sign. It was, there was only one turlet to begin with, so it was already male and female. Now it's an all gender restroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it still, why does it feel ridiculous? Am I on the wrong side of history? Is this gonna, is this gonna be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a mess. What a hot mess that would make your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well speaking of Raven and Mickey Mouse, you had that line, and no fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty good. What do you mean to say like Raven did when she was black?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what do you mean by that she was black part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is she no longer black? That's what she said. Oh, she did say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orlando Brown. You made another video about looking at breasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he probably had every opportunity to put a brown paper poke over his head and poke holes in it or a plastic bag, you know, but duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ThousandRanch.com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna learn. Tracy here for DNews people, and sinkholes are now in my list of things I fear most. Right under trapped by a wildfire and above giant spider attacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Single form. The surface is a thin crust of soil. Until a person walks over it, of course, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's how to have an even better tantric orgasm in under one minute. First, get a little high, like I did a couple minutes ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's great, Apropos our We, cause we've been singing the Les Glass song over and over in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, it's, just glassing is such a great phenomenon because now it's replaced chilling. People say, I'm just glassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we'll fix it. I'll put that on my list of things. Well, can't Blue Band figure it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. You said because it was a copy of... Now it's not. Now this is the original song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a shitty show on a podcast world. I definitely think we're the shittiest show on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm making sure that my dislocated shoulder is back in shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day I asked if I could bum one of his fags. He was fine with that, no confusion. He gave me a cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fire. I don't even need like a comedy shirt. Flames on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your dad boxers, and your slipslips, and just a filthy shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's why. A lot of husbands fart, burp, make photoshops of their wife with a skullet, but very few husbands really unleash the fury that you do. Like, who of your friends that are married


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you, now that's really vulgar, like that's, that's, I don't care if I ever get laid again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but the people only know the show version, which is not far from the real version, but I'm saying that they don't actually get to see you in your boxers with your nuts hanging out. And not only that, modeling some pretty great behavior for our one year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Infant, uh, psychology, that the way to lead into potty training is you come up with a word that signifies what's happening very early. And you don't make a big deal out of it. So when you see that he's pushing out one, because our son grunts one out, today he got on all fours and grunted one out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was gnarly. And you're like, well what do we call that? Do we say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or we thought- Making brown. Making brown since that's- But then you think about him in school being like, teacher, I gotta make a brown. Yeah. Or mommy, I gotta go make a brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, what's gonna make us laugh more? Because you have to think about how long it's gonna take to toilet drain. It takes months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Will you explain what's going on? I'm trying. I'm trying to wrap my brain around how hateful this shit is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a lot of the stuff you hear your dad, my dad saying in Hungarian growing up, like this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of Tribe, I got an email from a guy about uhm, I fucked up on that Krumpus thing. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy wrote in from Austria, and, and he's right, I fucked it up. The guy I was thinking of, it's named, uh, Svertepiet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saint Nicholas is actually from Turkey, so he may have been darker skinned. Wow. Yeah. And then in the US, I think there were like caricatures drawn of him in the 1800s that drew him white in the US, which is probably why we came to adapt to his white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So also, so the black guy that I saw in Amsterdam, remember I told you that they're like chocolates of him and everything? It's not crumpus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, that black guy is called Svertepete. And it's like Santa's homeboy is what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saint Nicolash comes to your house, remember I told you this? Yes. And you leave your shoes out, this is in Hungary, it's November 6th, and if you're good, you get candy and toys in your shoes, and if you're bad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the devil comes. And that's named Krampus in Austria and some other countries. I don't know what the fuck they call it in Hungary. And they put coal in your shoes and then they hit you with branches and sticks because you're a bad kid. And your parents tell the guy in the village who dresses up like the devil to come and hit you. And my uncle got hit a few years in a row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. 24th in my house was Christmas, but my dad didn't tell me yeas we should go ride it. Santa just came on the 24th. That's so weird. So we kind of meshed those two holidays. Yeah. And, uh, we'd go, he'd be like, let's go for a drive and look for Santa. And then he'd be like, I forgot something. And then he'd run back in, put all the gifts out. And then we'd come back for our drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think by third grade there was a Jewish kid in our class, Eric Friedman, and he told all of us. He's like, whoa, whoa, I went to a Christian school too. And he was like, guys, the Santa thing's not real. I saw the presents in my parents' closet. And we were like, what? Who ruined it for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always are at that eight. We didn't take our son to meet Santa yet cause it was that new fucking Kylie, uh, some stupid store. It popped up in our, near our mall here and it was just swamped with people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it's like? The train spotting toilet.


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[Assistant] I'd say minute one. Hey, the toilet's broken. And all he's gonna do is snake that thing. So what? You know what I mean? You're paying a guy just to snake it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just touches that bare-handed, the snake, he picked it up and then he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so gnarly. Dude, look at his cool haircut too. What do you call that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or be a deck hand on below deck, out crew, outdoor crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you, I'm not going to, I know what your number is, I'm not going to reveal that right now. But, uh, you look amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lies, lies, propaganda. Look, what I'm doing, I've got a full pint and I've just finished off a chamomile tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why you're bringing it up? Cause it's the first time you've ever drank that much. And you're so stunned by your brand new thing, this new thing called hydration. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to refill it, and I'm not exaggerating, every two days. Otherwise, and you know who's not the water champ? Feef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the most boring video in the world. Uhm, you know what this reminds me of? Watching him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably nice to his wife. What is your thing that I'm not nice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Push farts out and smile at her, stuff like that. You did give me a lot of head scratchies last night, which I'm very thankful for, so thank you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just keep giving them out and increasing your self esteem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad and his brother came over for, uh, Christmas. On Christmas Eve. And what did you think? Did you have fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what the best part is, is that as my uncle was telling us about his experience in Nicaragua, my father's eyes couldn't roll far enough back into his head. It was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he made no Kedley for the Chicken Paprika, which was really nice of him to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad told me, he goes, oh yea, when you were, uh, Alice's age, one time I was, uh, cutting films together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, did you call the doctor? He goes, no, we just waited a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, can I tell you other shit that she messed up? Like some, I'm not saying all her stuff was bad, like there's some dishes she was really good at, but her stuffing, dude, she used to, you know, like the bag of innards that they give you? I know some people put them in their stuffing, but hers were like hardened giblets. So it was like, you'd be eating like awesome stuffing and then they'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. God damn, it felt good to tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause his is terrible too. So my dad's, so chicken paprika is just pepper, paprika, onion, garlic. It's red chicken dude. It's not, it's a stew. It's a stew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all he does is put the chicken in there, some garlic, and then paprika, right? Paprika on there. And then that's just oil. And then it just looks, it's oily, greasy, cause the chicken juice, and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I like that too. That's my death row meal. I could eat that every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know I brought this up to you probably a million times in the last 10 years, but we gotta go to Belgium. Belgium?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get a Belgian waffle in Brussels. You told me this, yeaah. Yeaah. You will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus it cuts in the most unflattering place. See how his chin is not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhh. Here I have her number, if you need, I'll sign the two. Share contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, uhm, showering in the backyard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so while you're doing that, I would like to update the listeners on a little English thing, the innit stuff. There was a clip last week and I was perplexed by the innit innit innit thing because it didn't make logical sense that they would say isn't it. And I got a tweet from someone from Raz. Oh, Raz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roz, R-A-Z, uh, hey Jean, just to fill you in, I like that I'm Jean now, just to fill you in, in it is both a short form of isn't it and an alternative no I'm saying. Gotcha. So that would make sense. In it, in it, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the meantime, I also had an epiphany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a big one. Like remember for the longest time, I didn't know that pho joker in it. That's a good one. And then pho that you can tilt the sweep part over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then. We looked up what it was. Wait, and I had no idea, Spartan Final was like a grocery store. Still doesn't seem like a good name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like a dis- I thought it was like a final sales place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's smart and final. No, like you're smart to shop here, but all sales are final because this is like a closeout discount store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were at El Torito, no, they were in the parking lot and I see El Torito and then I see the little symbol of a bull and I put it together. El Torito.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for years I was like, oh El Torito, El Torito. I thought it meant like El Tortilla. Like I thought of a tortilla for some reason. Uh huh. Not a tiny bowl. Right. I mean, sorry, it's a big deal for me. I guess you were not blown away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alice is going to feel super left out because he's not food themed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how he was conceived and I ate it in and out twice a week when I was pregnant with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, because it's fresher. What Carl's Jr. Western Bacon, the meat's frozen. It's no good. But I do love the onion rings and the barbecue sauce, the cheese and the bacon. God damn it. I gotta talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fast. Okay. Well I guess it would be nice, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not planning on going solo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even uhm, when Liberace died, he died of AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, do you remember where Frankie goes to Hollywood? Relax, don't do it. We didn't know he was gay either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's special, it's like a double rainbow all the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought his name was Pl- I mean, he shouted out supplies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And whenever the kid drops any morsel of food, drops a spoon, Jitsie chews it up immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cowboy, oh right. No, no, that's wrong. I said diarrhea, not cowboy. So if you're gonna quote the joke, at least get it correct. That's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then May 4th and 5th, I'm in Fartnicks, Arizona. Stand Up Live, May 19th or 20th, New York City at Gotham Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you poop in someone's mouth. He used to make you shit in his mouth. Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do, when you taste stuff. I like that ice cream. Garbage doesn't smell good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One width of your master's groin, and uh, you're beginning to snap into pup mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Underwear by your new best friend, pup. Your owner is gonna make you a pair of underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of deodorant cologne, and soap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to change them. Reduce your use of soap as much as you can to what's necessary to keep yourself clean and sanitary as you like. But get rid of perfume, soap as much as you can and drop deodorant down out of your use as much as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you've got time during your work day or during those moments when you're in class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everyone, this is Billy. Today I'm going to talk about Bristol dialect words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, beast is used for the second person in Old English, and things in Bristol still use this word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might think of fishing when you hear this word, but it's not related to fishing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, nevermind, it's okay. Uhm, that'll do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you understand much. You will, you will ask me, you will tell me I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how to make a double pike classic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think for the super wealthy, the super rich, who don't have time to be with their children, and they push them off onto nannies, it's like, I mean I get why, but uh-uh, cause then that motherfucker raises your kids, you don't know who's raising your kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a DC, I got a Lacroix, and then of course water, cause I'm the champion. Where's your water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, is your name on here? No. It's not. Main Mommy Water Champion. Can I have a sip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can, because if the audience is paying attention, they can see that I'm the water champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I, uh, well at this point, uhm, by the time this airs, I will be at the DC Improv December 9th and 10th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm home. We got a busy couple months coming up, Jeans. We're moving. Jesus Christ. It's so much shit. But you're hustling like Rick Ross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, uh, also check out That's Deep Bro podcast. I just had Kevin Christie on. We, uh, talk about grief. It's real fun. Actually, it ended up being a really fun podcast and we laughed a lot and we were really happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I advise you to buy your gifts on Amazon using our banner. Go to your momshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Do your shopping as you normally would. Buy, uh, your Halloween costumes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy, uh, your Christmas gifts and have them shipped to the people that you're gonna go visit. Don't travel with, uh, bags full of, of gifts. You think TSA's gonna respect your nicely rats?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell no, to the no, no, no, TSA don't give a fl-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't give a fuck. Don't fuck up your shit, man. Have that shit sent, you know what I'm sayin'? Ship your gifts, man. You know what I'm sayin'? Ship your gifts. You know what I'm sayin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And why not get the loved one in your life a gift from your mom's house? Why not go to our shop on your mom's house podcast dot com and buy a t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every day she's like, uh, I just woke up and I don't have any makeup on and then I got it. And her face is fully botoxed. Like she looks great. I think she looks great for her age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he looks familiar though. That was my freshman year. Oh really? That's when I was still doing white guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my last white boyfriend before I started dating a lot of Puerto Rican dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was special because this guy was a math major and he would occasionally smoke crack. Like he would pick it up one month, stop. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scott. I've known really trashy Scots too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you. You're pieces of shit. I'm classy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what was the- I thought he was like five years old or something? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember that. You know, I block out stupid moments like that in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's okay, this sounds good, but I mean, it's still good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I don't know why it's, I think you've done a great job is what I'm trying to validate you and say that we carried on and it's good man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's a show. This is a reality show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these guys are, uh, Mensa members.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but who are you mad at? Are you mad at Blue Band? Yeah. You didn't put on there? Of course. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm telling you, he was my last white boyfriend freshman year, Derek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he came from, uhm, Medford, Oregon, which is like a logger town. He's real, you know, rough around the edges, but that's why I liked him. His hands were kind of rough, but he was soft inside, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He curses a little bit, but I just didn't introduce him to my parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a real treat. Well a lot of times, his breath smells bad, like whiskey or marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, when he wasn't high or drunk, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's kind of a bummer to only have like half a person in your life. You know, like I always am amazed when women hang in there for those types of relationships. Like, well, you know, I mean, 70% of the time he's a POS, but then that 30,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. But I also don't know how you find a sun visor with a rebel flag. Oh I know where you can get one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not, if you're gonna invest in alcohol, how much could that 12 or B? Like why not just get Nitrain or Thunderbird? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's stronger. And number two, if you're gonna wear socks, why mash the flip flop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not just commit to a full closed-toe situation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad's toenails are fully yellow and like corroded and falling off. It's been like only for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, the older I get, the less I ignore body stuff now. Cause they're like, this could be cancer. Like everything could be potentially bad, like really bad at my age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? It can be an indicator of like severe problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got, we'll get into that. That's a whole, that's a whole episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's hear what Heidegger, Nietzsche has to say here. Aristotle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come Florida attracts like this specific type of trash?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's like, it's the swamp thing? Like you know how, these are swamp people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and you can wear a confederate flag sun visor and nobody gives you static.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that's the scary part. In some parts of Florida, nobody will, some places they won't give a double take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the key to an interesting crazy is that they're interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That show should just be called losers. And they go to 7-Eleven and Silver Lake. Remember we used to live that one next to our house.


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[Assistant] Who was it? Was it Jeff Tate that was buying all the hot dogs? Right, but there's someone else that we would.


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[Assistant] I got a message for Shanaz today, another nursing opportunity in Florida.


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[Assistant] You know, like in springer, when they bring out the teenagers that were rebelling and then they'd yell at them. Yeah.


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[Assistant] How would you describe him? He's adorable. He's like 12. This kid could be our son. Yeah. He looks really cute. Just perfect little Aryan boy.


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[Assistant] What if that's what this is? He's a decant. Oh no. That's him.


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[Assistant] I don't know. Wow. That's so crazy, Jeans. Do you think he knows the better?


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[Assistant] I don't only because, only because in this era of the internet now,


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[Assistant] It's everything, everything comes together so much faster. Yeah. I'm serious, that woman probably was like, oh my gosh, she's probably a fan of yours.


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[Assistant] You know how many fucking dumb shit he's gonna get? Where people are like, bikes! It's all it's gonna be is bikes.


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[Assistant] I'm apprehensive too, intuitively it doesn't sound like a good idea.


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[Assistant] I mean, look what happens when people just, we sick the mommies on like, a Twitter person. We got Gloria Estefan on- Gloria Estefan because of the mommies.


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[Assistant] Okay. Like, where could they find you? I don't know man. On Twitter or?


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[Assistant] No, okay. So they see you on social media, maybe they can find this place to send Justin some nice mail.


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[Assistant] Probably came from a bad family. I'm guessing Justin didn't have great, uh, parents. Maybe.


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[Assistant] I mean that's why you're into shit at 12, you're on the scared straight show. Cause your parents don't give a fuck about you, you're running the streets.


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[Assistant] I've never had a physical. You know why? Cause I'm Hungarian, I got cockroach DNA.


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[Assistant] I have no problems. I don't believe in this fucking, you know.


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[Assistant] Your genetics are far weaker than mine. You're less resilient, you get sicker more, you get sick more.


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[Assistant] No. And he is real, he's our doctor. I go see this guy too, and he says horrendously funny shit to us.


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[Assistant] Oh man, and were you bombed? Cause it sounded like you got out of it.


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[Assistant] But have you ever had a finger in your butthole?


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[Assistant] You probably have near-death experiences every night that you think are dreams, but you're on the other side.


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[Assistant] I'm surprised they didn't shave your chest though, cause didn't it hurt?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Lots going on. So, okay. He fingers your butt.


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[Assistant] He's a genius. That guy, I go in there for like minor stuff and he's so thorough.


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[Assistant] I thought of that with you because that's my fear about putting my finger or mouth on your rectum is how dirty it must be.


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[Assistant] So you did, but you did feel self-conscious about the smell.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause when I go to the gynecologist, I make sure I'm very clean.


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[Assistant] Of course, it's terrible. Whenever someone puts their hand inside of you, remember when I was getting checked when I was gonna birth Ellis and someone put their hand up my cooch every hour, like alright, and it hurts at that point.


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[Assistant] Terrible. So, what you said now-


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[Assistant] No, it feels like I have to shit. Now, you didn't feel like you had to shit immediately?


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[Assistant] Now did you, okay, so you said that the finger went in easily.


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[Assistant] You know, the butthole, it is real tenderoni. It's just not for me. Personally, you know, I don't condemn anybody that's into it, but it's real.


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[Assistant] Real tender. Okay, so now you took a shit since then.


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[Assistant] Love prison pounding. Especially when you start to dry out.


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[Assistant] I know you did. Now don't you wish you had just done the colonoscopy?


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[Assistant] So tell, but tell them the accoutrement. So you, you have a set of plastic gloves. You've got rubber gloves, rubber gloves. You've got a, basically a Dixie cup to shit into a paper cup. And then you have several vials.


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[Assistant] Maybe one day when you've processed it more you can tell me what you saw.


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[Assistant] He's thorough. Dr. Dick is thorough. I don't think I've ever heard of anybody having to go through this much stuff.


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[Assistant] Bananas. Good though, that's what you want. That's exactly what you want. So then, okay, so that's drama.


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[Assistant] The house and then I took LJ to the doctor today for his checkup and he lost his shit. He had to take blood from his little heel today.


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[Assistant] I think no. I had to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for him to calm him down. That calmed him down? Yea. My voice is terrible, but...


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[Assistant] I like it. And then I found a love match for our nanny. That's what you said. Our Guatemalan nanny, um, his name is Israel and he works in the parking garage. Yeah. We're a pediatrician. He's real nice.


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[Assistant] I feel like it's a, and they're both like, super sweet, you know?


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[Assistant] Me too. I like anything with gang bangers. Like Mexican ones.


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[Assistant] It's so LA Homes. Did you see that sketch people were passing around with the Cholo Fitness? Yeaah. That was pretty funny. I got sent that like 5,000 times. Yeaah. Oh jeez.


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[Assistant] Anyway, so we have this bed that we, uh, a frame, we should say. The bed is Satva, which we've had, you guys know. Uh, the bed is fine. The mattress is perfect, but we ordered this bed.


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[Assistant] It got worse. It got way worse. And then I would. Any movement. Any movement. And you and I get up to pee in the night five times between the two of us. So every time one of us gets up.


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[Assistant] I know, you were really fired up. Like to a point where I was kind of worried.


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[Assistant] Cause you already were convinced that they weren't going to fix it. Yeah. And you were like, you, you call, okay. You call and you deal with it cause I'm going to get too angry. And I was like, all right, babe. Like I know when you're fired up about something, I'm like, all right, I'll fucking call them.


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[Assistant] And they were totally sweet about it. Yeah, okay, of course. Send us a recording of the squeak. And then from, it's like protocol for them, and then we can send somebody out. They send somebody out within 48 hours.


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[Assistant] But you were on your last, like it was one of those things where you had left town and you're like, can you fix the bed please this week?


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[Assistant] And I'm like, yeah, sure, on top of everything else that's going on, the kid being sick or, you know, whatever, I'm gonna make sure. So we finally fixed it. Finally, Jaime came. Was that today?


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[Assistant] Remember when you're like, we can buy multiple phone chargers, like we can have them in every room, like, oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I suffer so much sometimes. Needlessly.


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[Assistant] And I think the lighting is from the television.


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[Assistant] He's got his life together a bit more. He has an apartment indoors that we know about.


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[Assistant] God damn it. God damn it.


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[Assistant] Nine and a half stone. I forget what the fucking... You own your kilometers, you freiners.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, all they do is drink a, what is it, Guinness. Is that Ireland? Yea, of course.


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[Assistant] I love Guinness. Of course, when it's fresh, like in the UK, not the bullshit we have here.


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[Assistant] What's duffer too? It says it on his sweatshirt.


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[Assistant] He could really use a miracle smile. Do you think we could send him one in Ireland?


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[Assistant] This is a poppin' dragon. Is that her?


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[Assistant] How is she gonna have sex with a puppet though?


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[Assistant] Does he have a dildo? Oh god, why am I?


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[Assistant] But as far as porn goes, this is probably one of the more desirable gigs.


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[Assistant] There's no STDs. There's no calm in your face.


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[Assistant] Oh no, I think about that. Since we talked about that on the last episode, I keep thinking about it, man, like.


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[Assistant] Somebody wrote in like, Hanson's three boys. I thought Hanson was two boys.


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[Assistant] They actually give a shit about people and things like this.


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[Assistant] We wanted to give out the entire back catalog to you guys.


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[Assistant] Now we'll say the reason that our farts tapered off is because our microphones, we used to hold them in our hands. And then we upgraded the studio. We got the, now we do these and it's really hard to fart into these microphones cause there's an arm. Uh oh. What is that? And you'd have to, oh jeez. I think you're.


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[Assistant] That's really good. And we can get them professional grade like these.


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[Assistant] You know, I feel like, it's been so long, it feels like the first time. You know?


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[Assistant] Man, I, I missed him so much. Now this is an upgrade because when we first-


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[Assistant] Of course, the first time we found him he was in this parent's basement.


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[Assistant] I was just thinking that he would have to go through his shit with his own hands. Now a lot of people over the years have written to us and say that ass ripper's a fraud and that he'll pump his rectum full of air. I don't see how that's possible. How can you fart for five whole consecutive minutes? There are no edits.


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[Assistant] You know, he is the only, the only person who has not come on your mom's house after us pursuing him.