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[Assistant] She, uh, she looks like she could be a model for the gap.


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[Assistant] Really, he really hits that, those uh, those letters hard when he says it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it is. It is. I don't know, you know. It's really good. Good job. Thank you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I've changed. Much better hugger.


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[Assistant] Only a fucking idiot would not know that. How do you not know that?


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[Assistant] So. But they go, he's cute, like, what a sweet old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I'm saying, but they do say, oh, he's like, you know, a nice old man. Yeah, they'll say he's cute, but not. Yeah. That's, but it's kind of, you know, I think about that. Like what if you're old as fuck like him? He's super old and he's just like miserable.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but, and then she's like, so are people your age attracted to you? No.


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[Assistant] Who do you find attractive? People 40 years younger than me. Jesus.


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[Assistant] Pretty cool. Which is like, that's the time to do it, I think. For sure. Like if I, if I'm gonna do porn, it's gonna be in my late 70s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's wearing those shorts at the right height too. Just like those, uh, those ads you got.


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[Assistant] That's a really cool, that's a really cool display of his talent. He did, he did.


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[Assistant] These guys are all in on it, right? These are orthodox. Living the life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna get to the very last bit of this here. And he's gonna pass and he's gonna be like, oh, should have been Catholic. Alright, let's see this next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, well, thanks for watching, thanks for listening, uh, store.ymhstudios.com for the merch, Christina P online for her tickets, TomSegura.com for mine, we hope to see you out there, we're so excited that we get to do some dates again, so fun. Yep, it's been great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, thank you very much for watching, listening. We'll see you next week. This is What A Pig by Clarity Beats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pilot, I'm pilot trained. Oh, are you Captain Marcel? I am Captain Marcel. I've got to go get my sister down by the mountain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could go out anytime I wanted to. I'm just saying it because I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find it more peaceful than being in the house where a lot of people like to nag or yell at me. So I could have more of my freedom in the car. That's why I do some of my videos in this.


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[Assistant] Alright, so that's what's going on.


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[Assistant] And then my mom and I went to Paris. And we had Birkenstock. We were so comfortable.


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[Assistant] Doesn't feel good. Ain't all feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Stamps. Are you still going to the post office still paying full price?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well thanks to Stamps.com. You don't have to anymore. Mail and ship anytime, anywhere, right from your computer. Send letters, ship packages, and pay less. A lot less. With discounted rates from USPS, UPS, and more. Stamps.com has saved businesses thousands of hours and tons of money every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com brings the services of the US Postal Service and UPS.


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[Assistant] Right to your computer, it's a must for any business. Whether you're a small office sending invoices, a side hustle Etsy shop, shipping out orders, or just navigating this hybrid work life, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Stop wasting time going to the post office and go to Stamps.com instead. There's no risk and with our promo code MOM,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.


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[Assistant] Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Mom, that's Stamps.com, enter the promo code Mom. Stamps.com, never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, from the vaults, Gaping Dad with the Birdest Fat Track. And it's a great time to play it because we just missed the cutoff about a week ago, uhm, before Bertrand announced why he is leaving for three months. It's now everywhere that he is in Serbia shooting his first feature film.


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[Assistant] Uh, with legendary, uh, pictures and, uh, the great Mark Hamill is playing his father in the movie.


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[Assistant] So like literally as we were wrapping up, uh, last week, cause I've known this for months and I couldn't say anything and because it wasn't public and we couldn't talk about it on two bears cause it hadn't been announced yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they announced it as they were departing on a private jet to Serbia. Um, and it's just fun because Bert's always like, are you flying on a private jet? It's like, no, you are motherfucker. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, it's pretty exciting, you know, uh, I, I just, I, a lot of times I think about how unbearable will Burt be as a movie star. Oh my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody loves attention more and now he's going to be like, you know, I'm the movie star Bert. It's going to be so ridiculous.


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[Assistant] When I was in Serbia, when I was shooting the machine, you're going to be like, Jesus, I think I speak for all of us, your friends, your family, and especially your fans. We hope this is the end of that story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we've already seen the special, the t-shirt, the fuckin', the bits that's been animated. Let's make the movie IT, alright? God.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, it's gonna, it's such an awesome thing. I mean, this is a major motion picture. Like this is a big time movie, big time budget. I mean, have Mark Hamill, Luke Skywalker is playing his father. It's, it's so cool. I don't know who most of the other cast are, but that alone is just unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really cool con- like the story, I don't know how much of it's publicized, but he told me like the idea of it. I think it's gonna be a really cool movie. It's gonna be a hit. Yea, I think it's gonna be a great movie.


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[Assistant] And then he'll come back and we'll do Two Bears and I'll just sit there for three months as he tells every story from Serbia. But I'm really excited to talk on Two Bears. And I'll get to.


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[Assistant] Yea, somehow it just works though. I think it's just because I love them.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. That song is great too, Caping Dad.


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[Assistant] In honor of our good friend, our opening clip today, you ready for it? Sweet, let's do it bro. Let's do it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, something tells me they would be like, no, we don't want to ruin it. Maybe it's our multi-million dollar investment, but...


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[Assistant] Of course it's allowed, I mean it's ridiculous, but it's allowed. You just had lunch.


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[Assistant] I don't know exactly, uhm, I did, uh, you know, every morning I eat and then I take all my vitamins, and I didn't take my vitamins, I forgot to. So that bothered me, that's in my head. I don't know if that affects my stomach.


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[Assistant] I didn't today and just, I got here and it was just waterworks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't really, I mean, it didn't get me really far. What's, I think what's really changed is my diet has changed significantly in the last few months.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's completely modified. I don't really eat any sugar, right? I don't eat that many, uh, like breads or pastas or anything like that. I mean, pretty much eat the same. Oh, people have asked, so maybe I should just tell them. I keep getting, they're like, will you tell us what you're eating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll tell you. Well, I mean, this is less about my bowels and more just about eating healthy. So I eat basically the same thing.


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[Assistant] Every day when I'm home on the road, I have to modify it a little bit because you can't really totally duplicate when you travel what you eat at home. If I go on tour and I'm on a bus, I'll be able to stock the bus with everything. So I should be able to duplicate it just fine. But okay. So every morning, this is what I eat. I wake up.


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[Assistant] I try to drink 20 to 30 ounces of water first thing when I wake up.


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[Assistant] And then the goal most days, I like to have a half gallon done before noon.


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[Assistant] And then I know I only have another half gallon the rest of the day. Some days, especially if I do heavy cardio, I'll drink a gallon and a half of water.


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[Assistant] So, anyway, so let's say 8am, I have, after my eggs and every, oh shit, after the water, have some coffee, and then I have 5 egg whites and 2 whole eggs. So 7 eggs, but 5 of them are just egg whites. Then I have a cup of spinach.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I sauteed. Yeah, yeah. Sauteed. Okay. It was just like a little bit of almond oil or something, you know. Okay, and then? And then that's all I eat. The seven, you know, combined eggs and the sauteed spinach. That's about eight o'clock.


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[Assistant] Then, uh, 11am I have that shake, which is a Sun Warrior protein shake. Scoop of that with ice, a banana, and water.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, like broccolini, broccoli, or like chopped peppers or something, you know? Red and green peppers, something like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so when we order here, like that's what I hate when I don't bring it with me because then I order it off of the apps and it's just fucking dog shit. And then the next time I eat is usually a meal bar. That'll be like around 3.30 or 4. So there's different protein bars. I get this G2G protein bar.


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[Assistant] And that's like, has like 20 grams in it. And then uhm, 20 grams of protein. Okay. Uh, and then.


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[Assistant] I eat again like around six or seven, something like that in that window, five thirty to seven. And that'll be kind of a duplicate of lunch, but just switch it up. So if I had sweet potato as a carb at lunch, I'll have a cup of rice with dinner and chicken or salmon and then another vegetable. And then that's it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so, my bowels. This all leads to my bowels.


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[Assistant] I don't know why, it was very runny. Uh, I didn't like that at all.


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[Assistant] Yeah. See, so that was my, I had some salmon, like actual cooked salmon, and some sashimi, but oof, I mean.


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[Assistant] No, that was here. No, I didn't shit at home. I don't think I did. Did I shit at home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're right. So I have taken three shits today. And to think that any shit's like once a month.


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[Assistant] Do you know that people don't believe, like, people who don't, like, listen to podcasts, they'll be like, oh, I have a friend, and they're like, no you don't. I'm like, no, I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've never seen him shit here probably, right? No. Never ever. And think about how long he's here. Like on most days it's five days a week. Yeah. And you guys get here what time normally?


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[Assistant] And you're here until, like, five or something like that? Five or six, yea. Yea. And you've never, like, he's the only one you've never seen go in the bathroom? Absolutely never. I mean, he'll pee. Right, right. Yea. If he didn't pee, we'd really have to, like, get rid of him, I think.


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[Assistant] Plus by the way, the Iranians and the Iraqis.


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[Assistant] You like just manning an M50 or something? Cool.


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[Assistant] Did you think about, did you think about volunteering for like the better of humanity? To be like, why don't you guys...


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[Assistant] That's fair, that's fair enough. I've known this story for so long that I'm like, yeah, of course they buttfuck on Thursdays. That's probably not a normal reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also remember when we first told this story, cause you told it like that long ago basically. I mean, podcast started about a year later and you've definitely told this story, but it's been a long time and getting corroborated by other military people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, should we mention the fact, by the way, that uhm, I mean, should we surprise the Cinco de Mayo people? Or should we just tell them who's gonna pop up?


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[Assistant] We're so excited that uhm, you know, we could have announced this before, but...


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[Assistant] When, uh, we do the live recording of your mom's house.


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[Assistant] With a full audience. It's going to be so fun. At the West Palm Beach Improv on May 5th, we are bringing with us the great and the one and only Duncan Trussell. He's going to be on stage with us and especially for some heavy videos.


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[Assistant] So great. Yeaah. So that's uhm, that's really exciting that he's gonna be there with us.


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[Assistant] He's got the best energy of anybody I know. And I don't talk to him that often, but every time I see him I get a good, you know, a good feeling. He's just one of those guys.


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[Assistant] Uh, okay, I'll give you one that you might like more. Uhm, you know, our, uh,


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[Assistant] So the thing about Unshyne, he, uh, he's always updating very regularly now. He's posting videos all the time, you know?


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[Assistant] Okay, that got real aggressive. I would say he has similar improv skills to the king because this seems like a one-way conversation, but it seems like he's, you know, he's almost reacting to input that isn't there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean these are, this was I think for a specific lady. Yeah. But it's public.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, good morning. What?


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[Assistant] Booties and feet, which I gotta say, great two body parts to be into, you know? Get in there, get in the ass. Little foot action, little ass action.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that doesn't, it's not, this is not like a one and done, like, okay, do you feel relaxed now? It's gonna, those hands are gonna go up your legs.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think, no, I think post, post love, it's fine to do those things.


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[Assistant] Do I hear consent? Here we go.


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[Assistant] Sure. That'd be great. Won't be the first time for me. Yeaah. Yeaah. Whatever you want. I got you. You wanna go to sleep?


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[Assistant] Sure. I've seen, I've clicked on those videos a few times.


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[Assistant] Especially my favorite is the sleeping blowjob video where she's like...


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[Assistant] It's not okay for us, but that person. Oh, cause I already bought it. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, you did not. You bought a taxidermy sparkled raccoon?


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[Assistant] I got you a mold of my asshole with sparkles on it. That's gonna be the showstopper.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't get this by the way, cause this happened to me last week too, where it was all the way open and, and they're watching something. You're like, you realize the glare.


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[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, hey, do you mind? We're all trying to sleep on this lake.


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[Assistant] I always get the aisle seat, you know why? I get peeing anxiety.


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[Assistant] But like I wish I had window more just to be like


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ, it really is like, that's who says fucking expresso. If you have the window open on the AM flight, you fucking say expresso.


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[Assistant] And you stare out the window. And it's like, also like two hours later, there's still like,


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[Assistant] It's white. We're in the fucking clouds. You wanna just shut it now?


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[Assistant] Oh, that's a theatrical yawn. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can get through a fucking couple hours. Two hours. Yeah, without wifi.


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[Assistant] You know what the other one that sets me off? This happened last week too. I almost asked the guy, are you fucking out of your mind? Where I was sitting in the aisle seat and he's here and he starts to walk into the, walk into the row while I'm seated. I was like, Hey man.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, I'll get up and like, you're not my fucking lady. Where like you walk in front of me while I'm sitting.


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[Assistant] I know. I know it's back. The rage is building again too. The other thing I do is I always wear headphones in the airport. Uhm, either earbuds or like big ones. And, and uh, sometimes I can hear some people talking to me and I ignore them, you know?


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[Assistant] Just, I just hear someone say my name or something and I'll just be like, like, just like...


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[Assistant] You know, just somebody will say like, hey, you know, Tom, or eh, and I'll just be like, don't hear you, don't hear you. And then sometimes when I'm on a flight, my seatmate will talk to me and I'll just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I did one time? I think I said this before. I felt guilty about it later.


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[Assistant] Someone started a conversation with me and I had, I made the mistake to ask them a question when they started like telling, and I go, what was that like? And they started a fucking three series novel. And after a few minutes, I just put my headphones back on while they were talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was bad, because it was like, it was a sad story too, it was like,


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[Assistant] Oh my god. So I was like, oh wow. And then they're like, yeah, so as we came up over the hill and I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I gave him a few minutes. I gave him a few minutes. But then I covered up and then I was...


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[Assistant] That was a nice volume you just gave me with your story.


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[Assistant] Later on I was like, that was probably not cool.


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[Assistant] Cause their story is always like, one time, I was with my friend, and we didn't have nowhere to go, so we were waiting, and you were like, I would like to have a heart attack right now. Just to get at it, hearing your story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's take a quick break. Be right back. Did you know that more than 50 million men in the US suffer from male pattern baldness? I would be one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are only two FDA approved medications that can prevent hair loss and Keeps offers both of them. Keeps offers a simple, stress free way to keep your hair. Convenient, virtual doctor consultations and medications delivered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight to your door every three months, you don't have to leave your home. Treatments start at just $10 per month, and Keeps offers generic versions. There's discreet packaging and proven results, and Keeps has more 5-star reviews than any of its competitors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to keeps, k-e-e-p-s dot com slash mom to receive your first month of treatment for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have not yet seen Blowing the Light on YouTube, you can see it right now. Also check out our guest podcast, Long Days. Give it up for Yanis Papas, everybody, right here. Thank you so much for coming. I have to tell you, out of the gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a huge, I feel like a lot of comedians don't really grasp or understand that we are all just by nature entrepreneurs.


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[Assistant] And the fact of like putting out your own special, it's my favorite thing to like celebrate, push, like everybody should be doing this all the time. I just applaud you for doing it. I think it's awesome.


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[Assistant] Nate, not anti-Semitic, similar to Hitler. Right, okay, okay. In other areas. In other areas. People can share different qualities. This was, this was the, the analysis, the algae that, that, uh, that Bert made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hitler was born in Austria, but also he's run in Germany. Right. Nate didn't go to Vanderbilt, but he's a huge fan. Right. And that's how they're similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, even, and then it's like the, like two weeks before and he's like alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's telling him, he's telling the one agent about how he had the cast on, and he asked this girl to help him, like with putting stuff in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had, I think, something in the cast. Cool. He clubs her, but she's not unconscious, and she goes, uh, Is this for my Spanish test tomorrow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and he thought that was really funny, and he told the FBI agent, he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the serial killers won't. Or by their touring schedule. Vince Champ. Yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that his name's still on the wall at the comedy mat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, Vince was on, what, Star Search? Star Search, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he just speaks to his level of narcissism too. So, he would get, uh, paroled, based on his age and everything, but part of getting paroled, especially because he's been convicted, you have to admit guilt. And he was like, then I won't get paroled. So he goes to the parole hearings. Wow. Yeah. But so he would get out. He's in his 80s. Right. He's like, nope, I'll serve the full term. Yeah. Just because I'm


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a rapist comedians. Which is like something to celebrate about rapist comedians is they're so comfortable with those pauses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. It's the equivalent of like a painter, you know, painting something absolutely horrific. Yeah. So you're getting your, you know what I mean? You're getting the evil inside of you out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a comedian, you have to let it out somehow. Otherwise...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I did one time, I'll tell you, the last time, this is a true story, I'm not joking, the last time I went to confession, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 18 or something. Was it a confession in English or Spanish? English. Okay, good. So it's a bigger audience, but still could make money if you did it in Spanish. So I was still like, you know, pretty fearful and guilt ridden about everything, so I would confess everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget what it's called, but you know, there's like the partition and like there's a little hole. You can't really see through it. And I was telling the priest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now knowing what we know, I have two boys, I would never, never leave them at a church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me the most fucked up thing of the whole thing, if like you read the art and you study like, you know, all these stories, the most fucked up part of the whole thing is how from an organizational standpoint, they move the guys around. That's the worst part. That to me was like... Well you think there should be less punishment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was never, it was never fuckin' like, you're done. They were like, guess what? You've been fuckin' kids? Well, you're goin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like thousands of stories. It's not like if you heard that story once, you'd be like, that's such a scandalous story. If you read, if you dive into it, they're like, oh no, like somebody who oversaw these hundred guys, they just moved them to like different places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I want to go back to Miami. When you get to Miami, so people know the character, would you go to like clubs, bars,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's where you go to fuck, man. It's where you go to fuck, yeaah. That's one of our most famous stories of our life, is that her dad used to have an apartment on South Beach, like a condo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Primo, one of the top three places to have real estate in America. Primetime, and it was the most southern condominium on South Beach, okay? I mean it was just unbelievable. It's like Pat Riley's building. Oh yeah dude. I mean this thing was unbelievable. And, so we had just gotten engaged, and we all go down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're on the beach and her dad and I go into like, just like the shallows of the water, you know, so we're like, we're just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the imagination is there for. I've wondered if, like, let's say I was with a, like, you go, this woman's gorgeous, right? And you get all the way to hooking up, and you just have that euphoria come over you of like, oh, this is, like, and all of a sudden, like, pants come down, and you're like, wait, what the fuck? I'd probably be like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see, but at 22 you have, at 22 you have, you're more self-conscious and you're like, oh my god, what's, what's hap- I think at 42 you're like, I know I like chicks, but you got a nice set of balls on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that is a biological female that transitioned to a man, but I mean, couldn't look more masculine, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now they're so, it's like, no, but it's 2021. You don't think the best strap on probably feels real? I bet you it does. You sound like you have some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. Cause I think the same thing. It's like, I'm, I would feel like I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would be weird? If you blindfolded yourself and you start just eating her out. So you're like the first thing that you encounter is the vagina. So you're like okay, it's the vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. You know, it has a strain coach to tell you to get active. It has a sleep coach which tells you, hey, you need to catch up on sleep. You should get to bed now or get to bed at this time and get this much sleep. There's nothing like it. It's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by BlueChew BlueChew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in chewable form and at a fraction of the cost. Luchu's tablets help men achieve harder, stronger erections to combat all forms of ED. And what is a better thing to have in life than a strong, hard, fully engorged erection? Nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bluetooth is an online prescription service, so no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. It ships right to your door in a discreet package.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The process is simple. You sign up at BlueChu.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part, it's all done online. Don't go through life without a hard-on. Get BlueChu now!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform, visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got a special deal for our listeners. Try BlueChu free when you use our promo code MOM at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's BlueChu.com promo code MOM to receive your first month free. We thank BlueChu for sponsoring this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's somebody who's talked a lot of shit for a lot of years, you know? That's a veteran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. Isn't that fucking snanky Pillsbury clothes hanging looking tuna fish smelling bitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the kind of shit that I, I mean I don't know where exactly this happened, but this is what I've always loved about my trips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Beverly Hills or Park Slope Brooklyn. I love my trips to New York. Yeah. Because in New York, public confrontation, if you just spend enough days there, you're gonna hear someone bark at somebody, and if there's a safe distance, I'm fucking there for it. Yeah. I really enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've heard it on the streets, I've heard it on the subway. It's not just an inconvenience to someone else. I've heard people say, don't do that to her!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing that, I mean, I never, you know, there was that moment right after I graduated college where I had to pick, I knew I was gonna move to one of the two and my sister was living in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she lived in, in the city and then eventually she lived, uh, what is that, uh, in Brooklyn, right over the bridge, uh, Brooklyn Heights. Williamsburg? No, the, uh, Williamsburg, sorry. And, um, but anyways, I would go and visit her all the time and I was like, man, it's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it, but I was like, it's so chaotic, and the, uhm, it was so expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] LA was expensive for me to move to, but it was like, New York, I mean, just hearing about like, well it's 4,000 and I share it with somebody and we have one bathroom and there's six of us, I was like, fuck this. It's tough living. It's tough living man. That's part of the Stockholm syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't get over like the hotel prices and how when you stay in a hotel it's like, maybe it's shifted some but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you go, like the threshold of expensive, like really expensive would be, for me like, would be $300 a night. And I stayed in a place that was $300 a night and I was like, is this a crack house? Like it was the nastiest, shittiest place. I was like, this is $300 a night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister, when she was there, she was there in that time, you're saying, like in her twenties. She went to BU and, you know, had a great time in New York, but I remember when she left, she was like, I have thousands of dollars in debt, just from like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is how well he was doing a garage for his car, like a parking space indoors. And he was like, and I pay, it was something like eight or 900 a month for that. And I was like, I was like, are you a billionaire? Like, how does somebody do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's still if you, I mean, this is also like cliche, but if you don't live there every year when we're not in a pandemic, it's like the thing I look forward to the most. It's the best city in the world. It's the most awesome thing to go to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel like, you feel alive. You really do. And you're like, this is where shit's happening. So that's why it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one show, three things, vividly. One is that there was like a 350 pound guy in the second row who at one point, like, in your set, you know, you have like peaks and valleys, and at one point he goes, damn, this dude put me to sleep. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That room was rough, dude. And then the third thing about that was that a guy got arrested. Okay, and the story of why he got arrested is so insane. So on the menu, it said one pound


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of chicken wings. Okay? This guy ordered it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not paying for it. And they're like, you fucking ate it, man! And Cleveland Improv, at the time, had so much chaos, because it was also in the same parking lot as a massive strip club, which brought in its own crazy crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, you did, it's false advertising. It says a pound, that won the pound. And they're like, look man, it's a pound frozen and then we cook it. It's a pound. He's like, nah, it's false advertising. I'm not paying for it. And so they bring the cop over and they're like, will you tell him? And then he's like, you gotta pay for it. He's like, no, it's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, if you don't pay for it, you're going to go to jail. And then he just goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck man? Like they just would not stop. So I get off stage and I go up to the, to like one of the show security. I'm like, what are you fucking doing? He was like, I just, I mean, I don't know man. Like I just didn't want to get involved. I was like, that's your job. Like it was just like that. Like every show felt like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did one in Northern California. We're talking, not a club. This was like, there's a pole in the room and they're like, well when you're done, we convert this to a dance club. Like it's one of those rooms. You know, and there's like 40, 50 people at the show and front row, front row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point I looked down and I was like, is that person laying in their own vomit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got, no, that's, that's old school. That's not, that's not Sal now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being so, I mean, I can't tell you how intimidated I was the first time I had a series of spots in New York. I mean, I think I was eight years in and I felt like comfortable on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remember my management set up, oh you have like four spots tonight. And I remember getting there, and I mean real anxiety. Cause it's like, you're in New York now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went, and I, my first spot was at the, uh, what's the, what's the one, the comic strip? Comic strip, east, on the east side, yea. Yea, and I was like, like, I mean like this, and the guy's like, what's your name? And like, where you from? And I was like, uh, LA, he's like, oh we got an LA guy here, huh? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I watched him do like the hackiest shit and I was like, it calmed me down. Cause I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every comic that I admired and looked up to was a New York comic. It was like Patrice and Greg and Attelle. You know what I mean? So I was like, this is where all these guys, this is where they do stand-up. Like, so I'm like forgetting that that's the creme de la creme. Those are the best guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amongst a pool of enormous comps. So the best thing for me was seeing like shitty guys on the first show and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh thank god, because I, dude, I almost had a panic attack. And then I went to, uh, at the time, it was in the meatpacking district and ended up closing comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I ended up seeing, basically I had the full New York experience, cause I had these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible hacks on some shows, and then like, brilliant guys on the shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And both, and like, the bigger your city, honestly, the more of both you're gonna have. More of both you're gonna have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is also brought to you by Viori. Honestly, I've been sent a bunch of different clothes from different manufacturers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Viori is the absolute best that I've tried in that it looks cool, it's stylish, you can wear it to go out, you can wear it to a meeting, you can wear it to lunch, and then you can work out in it, it's super comfortable. I am really on board with Viori. Everything is designed to work out in it, but it doesn't look


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a bunch of new products out. The women's performance jogger, the softest joggers you'll ever own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the men's core short, the most comfortable lined athletic short, and the men's ponto short, the perfect lounge or work from home short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your first purchase would enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75 and free returns. Go to Viori.com slash YMH and discover the versatility of Viori clothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all they want. Even the late shows, like those where we grew up, you know, everything was Letterman, right? Cart, Leno, all that. Now it's different guys, you know, it's Jimmy Kimmel and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and it often does, right? Like, and then what happens is most people who watch that brilliant SNL sketch or something see it afterwards. They see it on the clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scott's here in the black getting it right, and he said something, I mean, it has to prompt somebody being like, you've never even read a fucking book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that they're dragging a table away the whole time. The whole time that table, they're like, take the table away. Don't let them, that's how they get rid of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it's totally, uhm, they're all gonna be down, because Florida, way more open to the Trumps. New York City, it's over for the Trumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think even like, you know, he's, it's uh, it's different once you're an ex-president, but I think the, the family, it's like the kids can't go in New York. You can't, Ivanka can't walk around New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you know this, but every day, Christina curates some of the best. Thank you, Tom. And when I say best, I mean worst. Thank you. TikToks on TikTok and we bank them and we watch them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put your teeth in first. Yeah, the personal messages are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That by the way, that fucking thing of like, we see this all the time of like, uhm, I'm nice, if you wanna date me, hit me, what the f- this is not, it's another app dude, go to the other app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all you need really. That's all you need to chew, yeaah. Yeaah. Just one on top. That's it. You're good. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I have been advocating people to do this for years. Years. Like when people say they're struggling if you're a young lady or whatever, any lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 25th, 26th, uh, in Ontario Improv, uh, here in Ontario, California. 27th, a completely Spanish show in Brea, at the Brea Improv. And then I'm supposed to know pretty soon, maybe by the time this comes out, whether we, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going back to the Vegas shows that I had at the Mirage. I don't know, they might be available by the time this comes out. We'll let you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. If you have not yet subscribed to Long Day's podcast, make sure you rate, review, and subscribe. It's also, I believe, on YouTube as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were absolutely fantastic. Thanks so much. And to the rest of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for tuning in and uh, we will see you again very soon. We'll close on military, military issued steel toe boots by odd track numbers. We'll see you next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you guys, I was suggested a Tom Segura and Burt Kreiser, Kreiser, I'm not sure how you say his last name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to see them go back together so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is exactly what you look like if you don't poo for two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything? Just let me eat you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well people don't know that. You know what though? I think you're so angry because you haven't come everywhere in a few days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, it's been over 72 hours since your last bagoc, and I sense it. You know what's neat though is how you're wearing your ear buds today. I like the wires that you look like a space alien. Oh really? These are brand new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really hope you guys were switching on his face during the song because you guys got to witness full Tom and her dialogue. Did you see it? That's why I was like, cause he went, you went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It isn't, it's, uh, it's aggravating. Cause you think like you, you have common sense, right? Like you know that this won't be all the tour dates. Like you don't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, there's so many things happening in this video. Number one, I've seen a lot of women in the airport wearing these head bags. What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you cover your hair. Looks nice. Is it Burberry? It could be Burberry. Burberry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then she keeps driving too, which is the other issue. Point of personal privilege, I think you're supposed to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get into an accident and then exchange information with other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she did that. You're right. That is a strong performance. I thought you meant doing, uh, porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his accent, that's how he talks. Oh sorry, so if I talk about Yoshi, I should go, he's a strong performer, and then you guys would know that's Yoshi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is NOT how he taught. Do it like Yoshi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's so, he's so funny. That was cool that you just burped in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I really like watching his work and uhm, it was funny to watch people laugh at our sketches too because you don't know what hits. It's awesome. It's good to know that. Yeah, that one killed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know what the reaction is. Now did you wear your denim jacket today because you are now an Austinite?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So we're officially Texans now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, and that whole COVID pandemic slowed production down and then you broke yourself in half. That didn't help matters. You know, we're taking our time and we're just going to do it as we do it. And I have to say, I mean, what are your initial impressions of living in Austin? Shouldn't we talk about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, through the airport. I had a moment of real panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, and I, I was, you know, we were, the kids were in the car, we were listening to that cumbia song, it was like fun, and then I had this moment of like, oh my god, what have we done? Like everything's all green, there's a lot, there's no traffic, there's no weirdos, like I don't know if I can do this, like I'm a city cockroach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you and I, Nadav, are like 818 till we die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, don't do that. Don't you jinx me. We're not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had panic and then 24 hours later, I was like, oh, it's so nice here. And then I took the kids to eat barbecue and we ate in a beautiful, it's on the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we fed turtles, and we fed fish, carp, after. And I, I dad bonered, I sent you that video, I dad bonered out so hard, I was like, oh my god, dude, those are fish, and you can just feed em!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've realized I've never experienced...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying I probably should have gone out into nature a bit more, cause I think I enjoy that. Yeaah. Very much. But there's also city life there too, which I like a lot too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night I had a dream that I had that you and I broke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had a romance with another comedian. And I'm not going to say who that comedian is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was real, and I bought a wedding dress even, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel any pangs of jealousy when I say that stuff? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, hold on, what's her category? Wait, she's a biracial?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's uh, what's her background? Ocasio-Cortez? I think she's Latinx, cisgendered. I think. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A child of immigrants, we have to, we have to write down what everybody-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they really do have, I mean, am I out of totally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. I feel, especially in my background, we're like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing. And also, what are you so proud of? Like, hey, we make the cabbage dish. Like nobody else. The pizza's the deepest dish. And you're like, who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe there are things to be proud of, like if they were like, we cured cancer, we're the British.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what I'm saying, what exactly are, like, like, however the Greeks, like, they could be like, we're the cradle of western civilization, we invented philosophy, Aristotle, and you're like, okay, that's what's up. Algebra. Good for you. That's the Arabs, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I, and then, you know what I mean, like feta cheese. Then it stops after...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, souvlaki, we got spinach pie, like that's what you're reppin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what have Greek people contributed to society? Like, my dad always talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not only that, all these are old ass achievements. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, what have you done for me lately, Grease?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think certain people shouldn't be allowed to be as proud as they are, is what I'm saying. Like the Greeks can be proud, now I take it back. What? Is this going down a bad slope?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will throw- Okay, I'll just shut the fuck up right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should be able to rank how proud you can be based on, uh, your cultural, your culture's achievements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on the hateful side of that, like, oh, that's your culture, you shouldn't, you should shut the fuck up. You're not allowed to say, like, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he'll also be like, okay, well, let's do the math. How many kids do you have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's great. And he looks great. Hey, he's, he looks good. Yeah. So he can talk some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These women, and they, like, why would you call him? Just to have him insult you, but then they do. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for a girlfriend? Uhm. Consent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like a thing. He's actually cute. I don't like that he's so squishy and amorphous kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that... I think he's already a drooler. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like making, like, it goes back to the old debate we've had on the show. Was Jenny a piece of shit for taking advantage of Forrest? Like, did she essentially rape, uh, a TikTok?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that, that's a scary expression. I don't like that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, and he, you're right, he should have, in terms of presentation, it should have come up front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love mine, I've been wearing them every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Best Fiends. I love Best Fiends so much. I play it on airplanes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now my older boy is into it as well, and we fight over my phone, who gets to play best fiends more. I'm up super high on the levels, don't mean to brag, and there are so many levels to play, so it never gets old. I like the sounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the strategy that I have to figure out. Every game is a little bit different. So it keeps things fresh and I keep coming back for more, more, more. I just love it. If you're hungry for near endless supply of fun puzzles, the kind you can actually enjoy solving,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try out Best Fiends. Just don't blame me if you can't turn it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the five-star rated puzzle game Best Fiends free today on the App Store or Google Play. That's Friends Without VR, Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, I'd like to bring up a point that is very disturbing. Rob Eyler,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Texted me out of the blue a few days ago, and he goes, You know, it's time that you ate Tom's scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you know, by the way, Christina, that all girls now eat scrum. Like on the apps, these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These women now, like, Scrum is just on the menu. It's not a sometimes treat. It's not a dessert. It's part of the normal repertoire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it. Yes. People we know, normal, nice girls, good girls like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this true that women now on the apps are just offering an ass eating, just standard, standard procedure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is wild. Is this because of porn? And like, that's in porn. And then Zolo, you're a youngin'. Is this what you're experiencing too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, so, and another thing too, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much scrum, first of all, number one, I want that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waxed. I want it clean. I heard. I want you out of the shower and I want your beard shaved. I want to see your face. My beard has to be shaved? I haven't seen your face since we got married basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then how much of a lick are we talking about? Cause that's really like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See why I'm so reluctant is because I'm seeing this as like a long thing where I'm going to be down there a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, do I play the trombone at the same time? I think everybody wants to hear it, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're selling me, that's a, that's a lot of work. Why can't you do some work? That's a lot. And then how do I even position you? Are you standing with one leg up on the bed and then I'm laying? How do I even get into all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing is that I've known, like we've, you've jokingly done those positions as a joke naked and they don't look good. I'm not going to lie. When you spread your cheeks and then you bend over and you jokingly like you do that, it's not sexy or appealing because it's kind of a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, this article says the best position for rimming is to have the receiving partner on all fours. I mean, could you imagine anything more disgusting than you on all fours? It's not cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, on all fours, it's very feminine. It's like, I can be on all fours because I'm the receiver of a doggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's one minute. You want, you'll be happy with one whole minute of licks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was a lick? We discussed it's not in the hole. You said I can lick around the hole. How long? You're saying one minute total. Can I do like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll try, I'll play the trombone with my hand. You're asking for too much at the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well okay then, but you have to let me baby steps, like it's gotta be a first I get in there, it's an exploratory like, meow, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't expect me to do like, asshole to taint, to balls, to shaft, to hit, like we just said, and back in one swoop. That's like so varsity for someone who's afraid of just the b-hole. Can I just tippy toe into it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and also I learned on where my mom's at. Chase O'Donnell came on and she talked about how millennials, like basically everybody younger than me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shaves their whole meow bald. Everything's bald down there. And they laser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tried shaping it, and how did you like it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you said to me, you go, babe, it's like asking which plate I want to eat off of. I want to eat off of any plate. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't a big thing for you. It wasn't like, oh my god, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short, short, freshly shorn and then a landing strip because it adds symmetry to my body. You want vertical stripes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A vertical stripe is symmetry and it leans me out. I feel like having just like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guys that do care like that are fucking douchebags. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you're a douchebag if you're like, I'm not gonna fuck this girl cause she doesn't have a perfect-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, most straight guys are like you, and they're like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you- most guys are of your mentality, like, dude, I don't give a shit. Like, so, I don't- why- why are we lasering off our meow hair? And-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Licking scrums, like girls, you don't have to do that. Now Rob was saying that the competition is steep on the apps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I think girls are suckers and they should not have to do the ass eating. They don't have to do it. No, I think, I think what Rob's point was, was that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so, but they're being suckers because I'm here to tell you ladies that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a woman in her mid-forties, like, we didn't do that shit, and they're fine, and they love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, that women don't have to lick assholes and laser their pussies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought it was like the pressure, like maybe they felt the pressure to do it because all the other girls are doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well if that is why they're doing it, then totes, yea. If they're legit doing it for that reason, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not when it comes to younger women. Cause sometimes young women do what other, they think everyone else is doing. And as someone that's been a younger woman, I can attest to that. Like, remember for instance in the 90s, kissing your girlfriend at a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also think it's uh, some of it is informed by pornography, like you have a generation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if in every scene a guy is getting his ass licked, so a girl grows up going like, oh, I'm supposed to lick ass. So there's probably some of that going on too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, phobic of the brown that comes out of there. I'm very, uhm, there's a reason I think kaka is really funny. It's cause I'm really weird about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it's, kaka's dirty and like, probably don't put your mouth in there or your, like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm okay with you not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like diarrhea hurts when it comes out, it's all hot and like grody and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not a rea- it's not an erogenous zone for me. I just don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to equate my shithole with that cause I, you know, bad smells, hot things, I had kimchi that was extra spicy before I got on the plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you just like, man I wish my wife would let me get into that ass? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so then, no harm, no foul. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're both fine with it. Cause if you were like, babe, I really want to get in there. I'm just jonesing for an anal sesh. I'd be like, god, okay. I mean, I'm terrified, but I'll like, try. Alright, let's do it. Are you really into it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would say that the rainbow tie-dye tights are a giveaway and the hair and the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Alright, I mean, shit, she's protective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I would like to give a shout out and just bring up our buddy Zarface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The track is Name to the Face, but Super What is the name of the album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. And can I tell you, okay, so I've officially become obsessed with Zarfaze now. I started like really doing a deep dive on his stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you know the odds are against us, that album that he did, Bizarro. Shout out to Tom Segura. What's up, Tom Segura?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I love every song and now I work out and I listen to Zarface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, no, I don't wanna FaceTime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny, he's like, oh and then I like that song where he talks about, he's like, I live sucker free. What's that one? I'm on the table with me. He's talking about being alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his samples are so funny. He has that couch song where he's in like the opening. He's like, you're gonna love this couch. It makes me laugh so hard and I'm always DMing him now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm always, I, I feel like DMing him every time I'm, I listen to his music now and being like, you're amazing. That's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you are listening to a very similar artist to Zara Face, which is funny, you and I are doing a kind of flip here. I'm listening to the real rap, and then I'm a rapper too, shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are listening to Mariah Carey on the way in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I would never picture you jamming out. We were in the car on the way here and you were just fully like, like doing your, your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, you like the ones with j- I like Jay-Z too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Oh, so she was your inspiration the whole week. So you spent the weekend with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's how Zarface and I are. Oh cool, cool, cool. That's how we rocked in Florida together. Give me your love, give me your love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, lemme, what do you feel? Okay, so, cause I wa- where are you in your head? Cause when you're listening to Mimi, I do see you. Are you in a good space? You're happy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're in a happy zone. When you're putting on your Mimi, I know that you're in a good place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I like to listen to the Beastie Boys to get me pumped. There you go. Now it's our face. He's my new, my new positive energy, uh, jam. Yeaah. Cause he's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Uhm, so we were in Florida a while ago, and we did not talk about this, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of those rare, I mean, I have never seen this in my entire life on the planet earth. And, uh, do you want to say it? Do you want to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, it's not just buffing, he's scraping dead skin off his feet with a foot scrubber. It's like a pumice stone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've seen nail clipping. I've lost on a flight so I really can't talk shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was shocked to see that sort of behavior in the United States of America. Because you'll see that in Eastern Europe and places. Like people will do that like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so crazy. But my favorite part about spending time with you in the pool, the pool, is when uhm, we play the game of which one of these pigs are you gonna f.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause what I look for is asexuality. I look for neglect. I look for a woman who's like, nope, all done with that, I'm shutting it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, cause I always, I always sense that the man has to feel sad that his wife has like super short hair and is wearing Birkenstocks and culottes and has totally stopped with makeup and stopped being a woman. Like you know that guy. Yea, we would see them, we would see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sandals that were just so a- just so unsexual. I like the outfit that was like, mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then can you really be confident if you've turned off your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She hadn't turned it off. She hadn't turned it off for sexual energy. But when you, when a woman does that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's number one is the I don't want it's they've just like I'm just gonna go gray and then I'm gonna do like the second grade teacher from the 80s haircut remember like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mrs. Coonders, it was just like feathered, kind of like a Lady Diana, but shorter, feathered, like my dad's hair. You know, but short. And then, just like a sad, uh, just so sad, the outfit's sad, no makeup, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it is sad. I mean then you look at Jane Fonda, she's like in her 70s and she looks amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She still fucks. You gotta stay fucking. Gotta fuck. That's the secret, man. You gotta keep those juices flowing, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, do you have that? Oh, we can't show the guy's face though. There was a man sleeping. Holy shit, there's always this guy at the pool. Some guy that's just got the, yeah, the hardest booze belly. And you're like, this is his last vacation. This is this guy's last time. Oh yeah, we saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was a guy that fell asleep in the Florida sun, out on the lawn there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Florida sun is like Caribbean sun. It's right there. So yeah, you can't fucking play with that. No, that guy's good. Oh man. Even your mom was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Brooklynin. I love Brooklynin. We sleep on Brooklynin sheets. I have bought our very own Nadav Brooklynin sheets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soft and it sleeps well both in the summer and in the winter. So you gotta do it. You gotta upgrade your life, man. Brooklyn was started to create beautiful high quality home essentials that don't cost an arm and a leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's been such a success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So give yourself the comfort refresh you deserve and get it for less at Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code HOUSE to get $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and enter promo code HOUSE for $20 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklennan.com promo code house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought, is that what a fracture is? It's broken? Sorry, I just didn't understand the diagnosis. So does she have a full cast on now? How is she not in much more pain that day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So terrible. It's so scary to think that that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it happened to you, but you were playing basketball. Yeah. She was just like, I was helping her father and then I fell down and broke my, oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really, uh, I really felt empathy for you after, like now I've known them for years, I love them, but seeing what it's like from your perspective and just really understanding that now, I'm like, ugh, I mean, no wonder you're a maniac, really. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fighting, anger, well cause you and I are both very, I think I dealt with a lot of anger my whole life and I channeled that into stand up and rebelling and, you know, uhm, I forgot what I was gonna say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I saw this great quote from Henry Rollins. Yeah. That said, you know, getting drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking drugs and getting arrested isn't getting back at your shitty parents. Doing the opposite, becoming very successful, learning more, reading more and being better than them is the best way to get back at your parents. So it really is a choice of, am I going to go down this road of destruction? Those are wise words. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they do, and that's their whole life, and it's like, fuck you, mom and dad, but who is that really hurting? It's just you, or you could be positive like you did and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll channel this thing into stand up and I'll, I'll develop a skill and I'll use these negative emotions and make something really good. So thank God. Jesus Christ. Dude, if I didn't have comedy, I probably, I probably just do, uh, I didn't like drugs a whole lot. I just probably, I just like bang dudes. I'd be like one of those sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex, like love, sex, girls. Those are sad girls too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the same type of thing. I mean, thank god, people are always like, how do you, Tom, how do you, and I'm like, you know what I think the secret to you and I in many regards is that our unconscious stuff meshes really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like our issues are just, oh it's so great. Yeah. Like when you get upset, the co-dependent in me wants to fix it right away. It's just a great balance we have. It is a great balance. Just a good dance. Like when you're upset, I want to stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even after she hurt her arm, she was still in a good mood. We had dinner with her that night and she was still, I'm surprised she made it out. I would probably be crying in my room if that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of, but I get more excited now by nature too. Like there's two birds building a nest outside of our window. And every morning I wake up and I watch them and I'm like, boys come over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't like that at all. Thanks for sharing. But he didn't get hurt. So what part of it was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked that it was funny and I liked how people laughed when you did it. Like, it was like, these stunts where people are purposely doing shit that's dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, I hate when skateboarders get hurt. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously, okay, first of all, what, what dialect, what is this, what accent is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, sorry, I gotta turn up. You don't think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day. Wait, one more time. I want you to... You're doing really well at this, by the way. You're killing it, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was a sweet little boy. Isn't that crazy? That's what you think about when you see these folks now. You're like, oh, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was really, she stayed on for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. That's a nice cat sitter. If I had a cat, I might call that lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me get this straight. This man making the video is not a YMH fan, but the person who received it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got great energy. He's got, I'm gonna, I'm gonna change my opinion now on the video response. I can't believe it, I've had so many epiphanies. Uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is really sweet and endearing. I like, I like seeing his face and if I were an exchange with him in an exchange, I think I might find it sweet because he's sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's a little too much information where he's like, so that means between 3 o'clock and that, like we get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think why Charles' video didn't work is that he was doing too much to impress the girl. He was trying to impress her too much. Like this one, he's not trying to impress anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is reminiscent of the Charles video response. Yes. And the other guy too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although this time I might, I might like it. I dunno. I'm deciding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of info could be, does he say why at the top of the video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, interesting, which, you know, begs the question, why not just pick up the phone and then call? Call me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but my worry, like my red flag then goes, this guy's giving me too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you where I learned this from? I'll tell you where. Uhm, I learned this when I was in law school for two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they assign so much reading that you, you learn to read in a manner where you just get the information required of you. So when I hear people giving superfluous information, my brain goes, no, filter, filter, filter, filter. You were in law school for two weeks. And I learned the skill there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I only listen for pertinent facts. I don't want the filler. I don't need it. I ain't got time for that, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also sorry, one more, if I may add another thought. If you're going to do the video response, you better look killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you should do is like, hey, I'm in this suit right now cause I'm at this great event and I'm wearing a dope outfit. I just want you to see me in it. And like, just, that's when you, yeah. Okay. But go ahead, TikToks. Oh, I'm so fucking stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, and I think she's fine, like she's lovely. I do wonder what all these different...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, you're right, they look like scribbles that used to scribble on your notebook back in like junior high when you could write on your notebook, you know? Or your peachy folder, like lightning bolts and diamonds and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just random shit. I was more blown away by the chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadav, are you now, are you still gonna convert to Christianity after seeing that TikTok?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when they tell- I hate when they're like, that's not enough to be safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who she's talking to, but yea, I don't know where she got her information from, son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and how it's like more appropriation, it's improper, it's this and that, and then I'm sensing a rise in the shut the fuck up culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like who are you? Then go fuck yourself. It's not your battle. Shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how does a bobcat take down a prey or attack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, get down, get down on your back. He's trying to make it submit. And I guess in some regard he succeeded. But that thing hates him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's at Delta Wolf Pup and he's into painting his beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then be like, that's my cousin. Now that's an interesting take. She constructed a whole story. She was like hanging out in the ER.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't it interesting that a normal haircut would just straighten a lot of this out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The haircut is everything, like who's that guy that owns the team, and he's got the bull, the bull, and he goes, and he goes 500 miles to get that horrible haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, do you think he knows it looks terrible? Yes. He does it because it's his thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That haircut can just make or break you. Is that his lady? Please don't tell me that's his woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has to be like, babe, babe, the hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great hair too. She's got great hair. That's the irony of everything. She knows where to get her hair done. She's sharing that info with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take care. So, this is an interesting lane of TikTok. At least I find it interesting. Where you have nothing to say, except wishing others well. Hope you're having a good day today. Okay, have a good night. Good night. Like, who is this talk benefit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then on top of it, the audacity for him to do it shirtless?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just everything. I just thought this was a really good talk. It was just perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's not attractive shirtless. His tits are hanging, it's, he's very, uh, hang, his soggy skin and wrinkly. He just looks like dog shit. I would never put myself on the internet. I don't do it now for that reason. Who wants to see my fucking naked ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would survive any feminine. Yeaah, I thought that was just very positive energy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like my men happy. It is something that can never be undone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never be able to talk about to other people and they'll never understand cause it's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? Did I hit a nerve about TJ and Judy and them? I don't know no Tammy. I ain't said nothing about no Tammy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck do you think you are banning my sister's lives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Are you that fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bored. That you gotta ban her live. Yeah. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, you've got to try mud water. It's a great alternative to coffee. It has four adaptogenic mushrooms with Ayurvedic herbs. Oh my goodness. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. With one-seventh the caffeine as a cup of coffee, you get energy without the anxiety, jitters, or the crash of coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm, I drink so much stuff throughout the day just to keep me going and I started drinking mud water because it's just kind of a nice ride. Like I said, you don't get too crashy and also I don't like the acidity of coffee and this bypasses all of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Each ingredient was added for a purpose. Cacao and chai for mood and a micro dose of caffeine. Lion's mane for alertness. Cordyceps to help support physical performance. Chaga and reishi to support your immune system. Turmeric. Turmeric. Turmeric.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what all that stuff is. I'll tell you, it tastes great. I feel great when I drink mud water and that's what matters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mud is a hundred percent USDA organic, non-GMO, gluten free, vegan, whole 30 and kosher. Please visit mudwater.com slash YMH that's M U D W T R.com slash YMH to support the show and use code YMH to check out for $5 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most iconic person on YMH to date, I would argue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine that you would be disappointed and the staff and the energy is different now that Tina's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I've noticed that. Your penis has been much limper and you don't look at me as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's an alcoholic and he's on TikTok. Okay. What? No, I'm serious, cause he's always like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to the pool, but straps went on, I gotta go to work tomorrow. He's a hot mess, he's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's using his fan, which is what you like to do too, so. Yeah, I don't usually make videos


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to see this stuff. Like I follow him and I, I wanna see it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've seen his other talks and he's always like, I'm hungover, I'm going to the pub, I got this point, I got this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are riding a high from Friday. Like I have been smiling. Me too. All weekend. You and I have just been in the best mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we had to bang in the studio. You guys didn't know this, but when we stopped down and we were all done...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you really like that. And did you like finally getting rid of these pathetic hungry tits and getting some real tits on me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really like those, huh? What about the tats on the tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's great is that when Chris DiStefano walked in, and I was getting it all done to me, and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking like I had knuckle tats that said Tom forever, I had above the eyebrows, I had everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. And I have to say that it, like, it was cool that I got the experience to be basically like a crazy looking porno chick for a few hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there's, I know why, now I know why girls do it, there's a lot of power in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to say, you guys are always like so cool to me, and I felt the energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I felt it from like, I would say except for Chris Larson, who's legit. I mean, Chris is quiet, I think he got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So cool. And also my favorite, the tats, is your head and then there's horns coming out of your head, which is just the best. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked him to keep one of the sleeves on, not daddy with the double horns because I didn't want our kids to completely cry when they saw me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kept the left sleeve. It actually looked rad. It was dope. And then I kept here. I still have kept her cause I like 13 lucky 13.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the knuckle tats were awesome and I really still want to get those and I think I want a sleeve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next day, I wore like a suburban mom outfit with a sleeve and it was rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking though, I would rather have you be more softer.


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[Assistant] Because, you know, with this hypersexual lady, you were jizzing on me all weekend, and...


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[Assistant] I was like, okay, enough. Like I kind of, I wouldn't mind you moving into a different direction a little. Like now with your health kick, you're fucking juicing all the time, you're making your shakes, you're eating spinach, spinach, everything. Maybe, maybe could we like snuggle a little bit more?


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[Assistant] I mean, you're very masculine, I really like that about you. But it's always like, AH FUCKING YUCK! You know? Like a- just a little.


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[Assistant] Okay, let's get you softened. Oh, I was gonna say the one thing I didn't like about being hypersex girl, is that when you're this identity, like the tats and the tits and the hair and the door knocker and the lips,


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[Assistant] There's no downtime. Like you're, I think what's the problem with this identity is that it's always, you're always that person. And in regular life, like one night I like to look like her.


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[Assistant] Maybe I'll wear a trampy dress out for dinner with Tom and I'm like this girl for one night and then you take off the makeup.


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[Assistant] I think when you're always this way, that's when it gets sad.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but Tina, she could get anything she wanted in this world.


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[Assistant] That bitch could ruin countries and ruin lives.


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[Assistant] Fuck, that was so much fun, Gene. I just, I love the amount of, I just love how much people care about our show and how much we care and everyone cares. It's nice. It's fun. It's so much fun. It was so fun. It was fun to become Tina and it was fun to meet the king. I mean, good morning my friends.


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[Assistant] Yeah, bro, and you'll see it on the live show. I don't want to give too much away about our courtship, but we learned a lot about him.


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[Assistant] We got to learn about how to order merch.


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[Assistant] And he's got a new business enterprise that you guys are going to hear all about.


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[Assistant] God damn it is right. So we descended from Friday and then into Easter Sunday. We had relatives over.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so hold on, back it up, like, this person was in his, in his own home, with his two small children on either side of him, wearing a mask.


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[Assistant] And I immediately was so upset by it that I was like, no. NO!


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[Assistant] And I turned, and I like ignored him, everyone else was talking, and I was like, I can't. I can't.


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[Assistant] All right, the future of toileting has arrived. It's technically been around for centuries, but hideously expensive, costing thousands.


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[Assistant] Now the brand new Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment is here to level the playing field. It is stylish, eco-friendly, easy to install and affordable.


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[Assistant] HelloTushy 3.0 doesn't just cleanse your butt with a precise stream of fresh water. It cleans itself before and after it's used with a smart spray automatic self-cleaning nozzle.


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[Assistant] It attaches to your existing toilet, requires no electricity or additional plumbing, and cuts toilet paper use by 80%. So the Hello Tushy bidet pays for itself in a few months because with Hello Tushy, you don't wipe at all.


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[Assistant] You just poop, spray, dry, and go, and sanitation is simple. The Schmutz Shield offers easy cleaning and the knobs are naturally, uh, anti-microbial. You guys have to try it. We have one. We've loved it. It's like a fire hose on your butt.


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[Assistant] Go to hellotushy.com slash your mom, get 10% off your order and free shipping.


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[Assistant] First of all, may I back up? So, Saturday morning, we're all tired and hungover.


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[Assistant] And Tom comes into the kitchen at 6.30 in the morning. We're up with our kids. He's ear to ear smiling.


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[Assistant] And I go, uh, what are you so happy about?


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[Assistant] I said you look happy this morning. Did you see something horrible on the internet?


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[Assistant] Because nothing, and I know when it's that, nothing makes you as happy as like...


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[Assistant] You, on the other hand, are like, what's going on? What's going on? Can I see it? Can I tag in?


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[Assistant] So you're talking about the email chain between the parents of their school, which is fucking insane.


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[Assistant] To me, I see that email, I'm like, this person's sad, they're full of anxiety, I don't know if they feel it, and Tom is like,


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[Assistant] It's insanity. These parent threads are always insane.


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[Assistant] Well listen to what I had, I had a feeling, cause I'm...


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[Assistant] I like the principal. I stand behind her. I think she's bright. I think that she's protected everybody thus far. Not one case of COVID at her school. She's done a good job. I was thinking...


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[Assistant] Cause I forwarded her, our son's negative COVID test, as I was told to do, being like, Hey principal, just a heads up.


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[Assistant] The parents are fired up about- You told her? Well that's what I'm debating, should I do it or not?


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[Assistant] What if I gave the principal a heads up so then she got in on the drama and then you could read that chain? We're leaving soon anyways. It'll be so much fun.


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[Assistant] I forwarded to you this morning the last response, and I like that mom who responded. She's- they're all cool actually, I- I wasn't aware there were such nervous Nellies in the bunch.


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[Assistant] It's funny with parents too because you can tell who the nervous Nellies are because they're the ones who send out the most emails and respond. Is it there?


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[Assistant] You think she's preparing like you are? Putting some thought into it, you psycho.


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[Assistant] Well that's the thing now, do you just enjoy as a spectator or will you jump in?


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[Assistant] What about the gram? Do you instigate on the gram anymore?


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[Assistant] So now in hindsight, that one time you had the incident at the sushi restaurant when you were traveling and then you encouraged our listeners to get on their Yelp and write them a negative Yelp review. Do you think that was a good thing?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I like the, I like evolved, like you're very alpha, you could go a little beta. I'm not saying you have to wear crystal, crystal rocks around your neck.


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[Assistant] Could you imagine? You would die if you weren't a meat eater. Yea, no.


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[Assistant] Eh, somewhat, yeaah. I haven't heard you be like, uh, that was a slopper. No.


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[Assistant] No, I want, here's what I want you to be. I want you to be, like, guy in our neighborhood jogger skinny. And he wears, like, the biker shorts and he's shirtless.


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[Assistant] I want to see you jogging in your biker shorts and shirtless around town.


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[Assistant] Kind of. Did his airbag go off? Yes. Okay, but his head didn't come out the window.


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[Assistant] I admire that because I think he probably does make a killing as a legless guy. That's a really good racket.


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[Assistant] Well, let's talk about it. What do you think's a better racket? Is it the sympathy play or is it the entertaining play? Do you?


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[Assistant] But I'm, I'm more apt to give the entertainer money.


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[Assistant] I've given money to that. And back in Venice Beach, back in the eighties, they had so many of those entertainers. Used to just be a row of them. There was a guy who would juggle chainsaws. He was really famous.


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[Assistant] I know, but these legless fucks on skateboards, no way, right Tom?


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[Assistant] Well, that was a nice video. Is it a federal crime to shit in public? Federal. Come on, that's a little far. Public defecation.


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[Assistant] I mean, people are doing it right now in California, a lot. No one's tagging them.


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[Assistant] It's unlawful, but it's a California thing. You realize that in like, really- You think it's in the Constitution?


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[Assistant] Oh, I know, and I learned about it on our show when we did a segment a while ago, a few years ago, on public defecation in India. It was a huge thing, remember? Do you remember? It was, uh, do you remember, Nadav, what was that?


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[Assistant] Just sit where you want. You know, that might, for some reason reminded me of when we went to Disneyland and we went on the haunted mansion ride.


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[Assistant] The Haunted Mansion, now that's a good ride to get a handy on.


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[Assistant] You have to get a hand job on a ride. Which ride will it be?


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[Assistant] Because, yea okay, so you have a lot of little kids, really little kids, but you're in your own private little Dumbo.


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[Assistant] Elephant. Is, is it gonna be hard to come with all the people screaming? Yes.


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[Assistant] But that one's got, you can fly, you can fly. Like it's going to be hard to come with all the kids, the kids songs around you.


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[Assistant] You have to pick. Okay, Pirates of the Caribbean.