[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are, whew, so much better than the first clip. I didn't realize it would get better. Uhm, but you could arrange for your partner to be with a p-hole. Uhm, that's a wild suggestion. You could also, I got so thrown by that, uhm, what is the other one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, oh yea, or get your kid locked up. Because then they'll be under.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] State supervision, those are amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one he's like, you know, you could blow up her car. It's true, you could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? But there's, it's like when something, you go, I have a body. I killed somebody. Right. What do I do? And someone's like, well, here's what, here are the thing, you could chop it up. Do you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can put it into like a crazy furnace to burn, like, I don't want to do that. And they're like, well, you know, you have the body now, so you gotta fucking figure something out. You gotta figure it out. You're gonna hack off his shoulder and his legs and chop his head off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A wood chipper to stuff a body into a wood chipper. But if you just get the run of the mill, you know, the first tier Home Depot one that's like a few hundred bucks, you're going to have a body that's just badly mangled and not totally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, if you do, if you do put a body into a wood chipper like that, you gotta be prepared to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do a lot of wood, also. Like, don't just get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use it and then be like, well, I'm done. You're gonna go put fucking 500 pounds of wood through it too. So it looks like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you should do if you're watching the podcast. You should get a wood chipper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or like a crazy, like 3000 degree furnace, you know what I mean? Like something that can really burn bones. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to School Shopping is coming and all the chaos that comes with it. With DoorDash, you can be the first day ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pantry staples and classroom supplies to make a first good impression without the stress. With DoorDash, you'll enjoy next level convenience with delivery in the hour, making it easier than ever to get your back to school needs fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the go breakfasts, lunchbox staples, and the brands they love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop Door Dash to get everything you need for the back to school season delivered right to your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Order now for stress free back to school shopping. Use promo code yourmom to get 50% off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to $10 value when you spend $15 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] at convenience, grocery, or retail stores on DoorDash. That's 50% off up to $10 value when you spend $15 or more promo code YOURMOM. Don't forget that's code YOURMOM for 50% off your next order. Terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's probably going to chop up most metal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not that much stuff. I mean, it's not like it's, you know, like a building's worth of steel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. A plate and some pins. It's not that great. In the arm? In the arm, yea. I don't have anything in my leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, alright. Anyway, fake your death. And, uh, oh yeaah. I had a lot of fun imagining that guy, Demarco Fleming, uh, fucking Nadav, and paralyzing him, irreparably damaging his spinal cord for the rest of his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows that, but he's never been faced with it. Never met it. He knows it as a fantasy. Right. Like he knows it in pornos or like people talking about it. He's never been eye to eye, fucking a foot away from a guy who's like, I will ruin your asshole in the way and then I'll paralyze you and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna put some warm water, you're gonna fill yourself up with some, and cleanse yourself, cause otherwise you're gonna shit everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daddy DiMarco? I mean, I think he'd probably call you some, like, not cool names and complain that you had shit everywhere, but he's also probably used to it because he's got King Kong in his pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if any of it's gonna matter once you're broken though, you know? Like who cares now, now that I think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, Nadav. We ain't that straight. Haha, you ain't that straight. Uhm, anyway, I really hope we can get Demarco and Nadav together. Now hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it's just you enter the door, he smacks you across the face, uh, shoves, you think it's a robbery, you think it's a home invasion, and then he just shoves you in, you're like, aah, and then as he just shoves you into the room, and then he grabs you by the back of your neck, like he said, and holds you down, drops his pants,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, a couple vertebrae and lumbar just kind of snap out of place. Doesn't realize it because you start convulsing. He thinks you're having an orgasm when really you've gone into shock because your spinal cord was severed at a couple places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he pulls back and he's like, what's up baby? And then you're like, meh. And then he's like, oh fuck. And he throws your phone at you so you can call 911, but you can't. So he dials it for you and then he leaves. And then you tell 911 your address and then they take you to the spinal unit and then you're paralyzed for the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people don't, a lot of people who go like, you know, I don't, I don't have gay friends or I don't, you know, know that many gay people, they don't realize the spectrum of personalities that exist in the gay world. They, they think of gay as just like an effeminate man or that guy's gay, which of course is part of the spectrum, but they don't realize it. Daddy DeMarco's part of it too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if he can even spell this. I feel like Brent Weinbach was the one that gave it to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] H-I-R, there you go. I don't know that word either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this was- When he comes, uh huh. Fucking Skype? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, if you are new in a gay relationship and you want to try something fun, try something different, listen to some music you haven't heard yet and you're not familiar with Hirsute Pursuit, this is the album to get the party started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, a little bit can go a long way at Trader's Joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flowers, you get pennies on the dollar, and here's the thing, I didn't learn this until much later, that a lot, you see wine in Trader Joe's, and you're like, this is like $2, $5, $7, you're like, this must be shit cheap wine. It's actually really good wine, it's just that there's an abundance of it, so whenever there's high production stuff, it can be really good wine, and they have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wine prices are based on the scarcity of the wine. The vintage produces, you know, six cases and they're like, five thousand dollars a bottle. Cause they're not making a lot of wine. But places that make a lot of wine are able to sell them for a lot less. And they still have high quality stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't be fooled by some of those prices. You can get really good wine there. You just blew my mind. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good stuff. Love you Traders Joe. Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back and we are back with our guest who we're very excited to let you guys know. You can find right here on the YMH YouTube channel every Thursday with the new podcast Not Today Pal with Rob and Jamie Lynn Sigler. It is Rob Eyler everybody. Give it up for Rob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, if you're watching this, the day that this episode comes out, his episode, his show debuts tomorrow. So very excited. Thank you very much for being here. And, um, I'm excited for you and Jamie to do it. How crazy would it be if Nadav got paralyzed by Daddy DeMarco? Wouldn't that be nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just started gambling, let's go buddy. We'll see, we'll see. He loves it, he loves it. Uhm, well the reason this conversation happens, we're about, the basketball game's about to happen, play, be played, and the conversation started about how they've been training. Training for the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we learned is that they both got kind of serious about training for it. Uhm, Ryan, God bless his heart, is very old and he's sore and limping around and then any things he's being sandbagged and then he brings up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he brings up that he's been training and he's been playing basketball every day. For 45 days. For 45 days getting ready for this game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Nadav is all like, is all kinda like, you know, he's got his J blood is flowing through him and he goes, I, uh, he goes, I want that action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he let it out, he goes, I'm, now I'm double, I'm doubling my money on any. He's, he's a hundred percent in the any camp. And you were like, I'll take this fucking sucker for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause your whole thing here is not about any skill, it's that Nadov's the cooler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, have you ever been to a poker game? I'm talking a lot, like a lot, sitting at a table where you have a moment where you're like, oh, there's a fix in on this. And then you go, I need to not show that I know, but I need to get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on these things, when somebody vouches for someone, then later on you just have to do a cash drop for something. Like somebody's like, I need to get that cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'd set a minimum time, or yea, a time you had to be finished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not, and not really, like, other than like a quick, oh, you know. Tie your shoe. Yea, like, you have to keep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I guess the thing is, is that enough motivation for you is what we're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you kinda had a really cool side gig last year. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably, I'm the same way, I would never sell shit like that given to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you willing to say that you can jog the 26.2 miles, you're back in the, you have to jog, you can't walk, we have to figure out exactly what that time frame is, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Average marathon time worldwide is four and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, average time for a man is 421. Well, you're definitely above the average man, so let's, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so he missed, he just made the cutoff by 27 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, wait. This is uh, so it already took place this year? It was in February? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome Marathon, uh, uh. There's no other one? That's the only one? In Texas? There's nothing in Dallas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to uhm, what are the big, what are the big marathons? There's the New York one, that one just happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, are you willing to put up five grand? That you can?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll come in on your side that he won't finish in under 420 or less and I'll put up another 15,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get the 5 if he does finish in 420 or less. Or excuse me, if he finishes in over that time. But if he finishes in under 420, you give $10,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because New York City is in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much would you, how much would you bet? How much would you say would you put up if November 5th, the New York City Marathon, old Jay Bird flies up there and he says, you're giving me five and a half hours. Well five and a half is a long


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll do another 20,000 if you do it in the two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, I'll make it 25. So that's $45,000 you get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I think this is fair. This is what's fair. If he, if he agrees on the average time, you have to up the bet on your end. It can't be just, you have to make it a higher cash reward for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand. 421.03 is to the second, hold on, to the second, the average time, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're giving, you have multiple months here. Hold on, hold on. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have five months. Five months. Wait, wait, wait. Just wait. If we're saying this is the average time...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert's time was more than an hour over average. He wants you to stick to average. You want it there. Both of you, the only way this will ever, this bet's gonna take, I can already tell by what he's thinking, by what you're thinking, there has to be a compromise time for this bet to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not going to be the exact average time. It's too low for you to agree to it. I agree. But the other time is too high because it just makes it feel like it's too attainable. Big fat Burt didn't train at all and was able to just walk into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, listen, listen. When he did that, he was never training like that at all. He was doing some stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is this. It's, it's not, it's, the bet doesn't work for anyone if it's that time. You gotta pull it down some and be willing to agree to it if you want this bet to happen. I've, look, I've had a knee injury that where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. This is how, this is how the bet gets exciting. So we'll put you in some, I got some great knee braces. We'll get you the top tier stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be 33 minutes faster than Bert did it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Impossible amount of time for somebody who's never done it. Maybe you make your bet around that, you know? So then you would really have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be training and dedicated to do it, and then it's a, it's a difficult feat. It's not just, oh here's the average time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Type this in. What is the winning, uh, LA Marathon first place time? I'm gonna guess two and a half hours, two hours


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that work out? Let's not have him do it. Jesus Christ, somebody help him in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then divide that by 2. What's 231?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's true. I would keep you on staff. But at a reduced rate. Uhm. What a wholesome place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geese are, and by the way, they have killed people. They will kill you. Uhm, especially mating season, or if there are young geese around. The males are super fucking aggressive. As are the females, but the males that are looking to mate are so fucking aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that was a good one. Yeah, they will come, if you're on a kayak, uh, paddleboard or a jet ski, and you are in, yeah, any of these coves with a goose, like they, dude, you're like, oh, that's beautiful. And you see it getting, you're like, wow, it's really got some speed on it too, the way it's coming over. And they will fucking attack you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sending my mother to Israel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, just to go, yeaah, cause JC used to kick it there, and I know that's what she loves. And it's also like, you know, a good way to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, somebody doing one of these, uh, these donuts in the middle of the street, and there's 200 people out there with their phones out, of course, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, so it doesn't really, I mean it kinda, it doesn't do one of those high speed where like it hits the guy and he goes flying 40 yards. Like those are fucking rough. But the guy gets knocked down by it and then the vehicle goes over him and takes his pants down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we, what if like during training, just hear me out, during training we got you PT's, you know, like the state of the art people. I have a guy here in town now who I just started working with who really is that level, like he's, he is doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The top level athletes in the NFL, NBA and like the athletes here in town from all different sports. He does like weekly sessions of like conditioning things and like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if that was part of the equation


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so what about this proposal? Will you have guidance, like the entire way, including physical therapists, like medical personnel, to nutritionists, the whole thing. The whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's continue that, that part of the conversation. We'll talk to Ryan, see if there's a... God, this is so, I'm fucking so pumped for this, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are setting this up, like, immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think five months from now, it's not unreasonable, seriously, that you will weigh like 60 pounds less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why don't you do this though? Why don't you go jizz in some cups? You know? Like save them. Then get snipped, then you can blow loads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked to him today. We talked to him today. Did you? Yeah. Wow. It aired like a week ago? Yeah. We talked to him like a week ago. And uh, and yeah, he was really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the more we talked about him and kind of broke it down, I was converted. Now that I've spoken to him, I totally believe him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it does actually keep your testosterone levels higher, you know that? When you don't, like when you do ejaculate, they naturally lower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'ma stay teed up well into my fuckin' eighties, I'll say that right now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we can do that. You wanna do some TikToks? Ah, yeah dude. Okay, let's do some talks and then we move it along. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not ladies. And also, that sounds like that first lady was a fucking loser. And a dog. And he did the right thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you tell the audience that's listening what's going on? It's a lady on a hammock saying have a great weekend, but she clearly has something on her face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a feeling that it's not her first time posting something like this. She's just like, well that's kind of my lane. You think maybe she just forgot? I get jizzed on and then I make a video, but I don't address it. It's our secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and then, oh, and the hashtags are like, skin care. Yeaah, see? The benefits of getting... Yeaah. Is she always on the hammock? Cause that's pretty fucking cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Holy shit, you guys are deep. There's an amazing team here. You're welcome. Wow. They do a lot of... That's this one. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I don't even entertain cum, you know? Like, as a possibility. Vomit happened, like, people puke around you sometimes? Like that's happened? Shit's so rare. Shit would really fu- is a day ruiner, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda wild to, what scenario are you like, this is a stranger's come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, who purposely gets worms in his body, uh, once a year to regulate his guts. You know about this? No, thank you. And the worms just like run through his body. No fucking thanks, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it does. I really did. I've had some viruses where I looked really nice afterwards too. Yeah. It's like it's how, it's how the dog's gonna look in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That dude's badass. Hell yeah. That dude's fuckin' badass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, uh, Not Today Pal with Rob Eiler and Jamie Lynn Sigler debuts tomorrow, the day after you're seeing this. And it'll be every Thursday here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excited to have a real gambler in the office. And uhm, you can listen. Yeaah, no, somebody knows what they're doing. Uhm, you can listen to it everywhere you hear your podcasts, everywhere you get them. But uhm, yeaah, we're just happy that you're here, man. I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a great, you're a great podcaster. You're a natural dude. Thank you, man. I wish you'd go back to acting too, but uhm. Oh, maybe I did for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just don't like it, I know. But here's the thing, when people do see what you did,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not just blowing smoke. You are- No, but you're SUCH a good actor. It's so wild that there are people-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That have this skill set that other people go like, I'll, I'll pay to go to school to learn how to do this. You just do it. You just turn it on after not doing it for a fucking, uh, decade and a half. And you're just, you're in a, you're amazing at it. You're so good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So happy. Uhm, alright, that's it. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Uh, we'll see you guys soon. We'll see you hopefully tomorrow, uh, right back here with Not Today Pal. And then we'll see, uh, we're giving Nadav to the program. We'll see him November 5th in New York City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's got the money, he took it off from the Sicilians, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that. It's happened to me so many times. I have to ha- had to stop dating them, you know? You have to stop dating them when I burn the house down, especially with the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one thing if they just run the house down, but with the kids, then it's like, that's just a, what do you call it, it's a deal breaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're out right now. You know what this reminds me of? This is the last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not for me, but for my little brother and sister. But I was around, and like, this is weird. Didn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I was probably like maybe 17, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess that's a case if you have them privately. I have a group class that's different because I'm not going to try anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how old was he teaching? What kind of kids? How old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was her daughter like? Eh, it doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what he's paid for, is not to have an erection, to make it so it's a natural thing, just a natural, topless class, like naked yoga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw something about it. They said it's, if you get a, they didn't say it's okay to get a boner, but they're like, whatever happens if he, if you become aroused, it's, um. Ignore it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just act like it's nothing cause it's just the body. So. The body's doing stuff. You could go in there and just be full, full steam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if you could, maybe if you were able to do it with your legs, like if you were able to like use your feet to do it, I bet they would probably let us fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I see his name, I see the word tits. Looks like his name's like tits mayor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta take care of them before they can take care of you. That's right. That's the key. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because once little Jimmy can uh, pick up a hammer, you can't go to sleep in that person's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is this guy? I don't know. Looks like he's in like Chatsworth or something in the high desert up there. Is that a waterslide? That's a waterslide. This looks like a house that's not quite finished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that joke, the uh, the Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors. That's one that probably killed once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a guy one time open mic in New Orleans. This is years ago. We were shooting 21 Jump Street. This guy comes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's bombs, like totally bombs, but then he had an iPad, early days of iPad, and he said uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay, I'm just gonna leave here with my iPad. Brand new iPad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's not normal people laughing. And if it doesn't, it's also the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess sometimes it's nice to, uh, to watch people who are crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot about some of those guys, they're just, they're still out there probably, all of them. Right? All the guys who are super crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that lady, Francesca Hilton? She used to hang out at the Connolly store. Big lady, big blonde lady, uhm, she's, I don't know if she's alive anymore, but she claimed to be the other


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go up, you know, three hours after everybody I'm sitting around like, I just didn't know any better, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she would go up and she would do the same thing every time. She would just talk about, she was so crazy though. Who would she talk about? She would just talk about herself, like, I could, like, so I'm the, uh, I'm the other Hilton sister, I'm the, uh, the one who you know about and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was, she had that kind of look in her eyes, you know, the crazy look where you're not really looking at somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come out just to hear themselves talk a lot of times. They have like a thing where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, tires. Why are tires the price they are? It's ridiculous! They just complain about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those, those guys, the meatballs of comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first character I ever did was a character based on those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys, I forgot about those guys. The Meatballs of Comedy Tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would say I was in meatballs. I would do this character where I'd go up and say, I'm Joey Spillacone, part of the meatballs of comedy. And I would do like all these terrible cruise jokes and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta go in there, you gotta just tell them, you gotta walk in there, okay? You gotta walk in there and be like, okay, I own this place, okay? You walk in there, you don't, you don't take no crap from nobody. There's number one. Number one, don't take no crap from nobody. Number two, you gotta have white shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice white shoes, three sizes too big, okay? You want that? So it looks like you had a big ol' ding-a-ling going on down there, you know? Big ol' fuck of white shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere I go, I go everywhere, they say to me, Joey, the best food is Italian food. How do you do it? How did you guys do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell ya, it's Italian secret, if I told ya, I'd have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Northern Italian. Northern Italian, these are smart ones. Hey, this next guy, he's northern Italian. Yeaah. This guy's got the money, he took it off from the Sicilians, you know what I'm saying? Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. I remember having the first time I was supposed to do a headlining set was at Florida State for this like alumni show. That's right. It was me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like four other guys, Alan Havy included, this was a long time ago. And uh, they're like, everyone does 40 minutes. And I thought this was normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to get, I don't have 40 minutes, but I can, I can stretch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm standing in the hotel over like the fucking washing machine for a couple hours, cause you know, Britt's in the room, I'm pacing around, I think I got it. Then we get to the venue, and Alan is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, no, we're not, no, that's not how it's gonna work. Okay, you do 20, you do 15, and I'll do like 30, and they're like, okay, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like the first time I ever did stand-up, the first time in LA I ever did stand-up was doing warm-up for like a web talk show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought it was, it was a paid audience cause it was for this promotional thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking, oh, they're gonna be a paid audience? Oh, that means they're gonna be extra good. Ohhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was so, it was so incredibly, it was such a hard, incredible bomb. I did like, not even ten minutes, probably like seven minutes of material I worked on a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bombed so hard that no one would make eye contact with me the rest of the day. It was bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told another comic about this, like a much older guy, that I did that, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you kidding me? Why would you ever think you can do warm-up? He worked for Mad TV. He was like, we have people come out and do like prank phone calls and like shoot t-shirt cannons and stuff. We don't have comedians. We have like, psychos coming up here and running around and stuff. So that made me feel better, but I was so terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, someone's drunk uncle who gets everyone's name in 10 minutes, that's what they need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that is so good. Cause it's Colin Quinn too. He wasn't like a young guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a veteran and that's the kind of stuff, I don't know if I could ever do a private function unless they were to say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, just do whatever you want. And I would come in there and like light some fucking fireworks off. Yeah. Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Act like a psychopath and then maybe, I don't know, not talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine, like, going in an elevator? He's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should have booked that guy, what's his name? That guy, uhm, the weirdo, whatever he used to have all the time, actor Crispin Glover. Oh yea. Crispin Glover or some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you taken that yet? I have taken it. What do you think? I don't love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I find that when I take it, it makes me sleep so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean, right away? No, no, it's not right away, like later. Isn't that good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cuz I don't wanna sleep like so hard that when I wake up I feel...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like uhm, just woke up after flying to France or something, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You like waking up where you feel like you're jet lagged or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, what does that mean, a vial? Like how much is that? A fucking vial?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you feel like getting some extra set in, you know, getting a little extra pump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what people take who are trying to stop taking Oxy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can't have access to regular withdrawal meds, you take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess if it works, it doesn't make you tired then. Nah, I didn't really notice that. I mean, I've got a bunch of- Is it addictive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't everything though? True. Kind of. Maybe it's not metabolically addictive or it doesn't make you like crash like hard, but it probably changes something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's good when stuff doesn't taste bad, tastes good, you know, cause that way it's like, like, did you like to taste a Red Bull?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is Kratom addictive? Is this from the Kratom.com site?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By kratom. Is kratom addictive? Well, not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could compare it if you want to, we don't compare it. At buycratom.com, we don't compare it to that. We say that it's sort of like, imagine if you were to eat a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pause, that's a cute word for post acute withdrawal syndrome. He has pause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about if you have like a green juice, do you get like, you know, not diarrhea, but you have like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe the word I always look out for in anything is, uhm, detox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think blueberries are the only food that's part of every single diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, well, why? It's like, oh, they have, um, too much, they're too low in sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I avoid all kinds of stuff but also, a lot of times I'm just like, well, I'm gonna feel bad later. You do do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause sometimes, uh, you ever had hot wings? Sure. When you have them, it's a thing where these are just really good, they're worth the pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I stack it with some pretzels front and back, you know, if I bookend it with something fibrous. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, I pretty much don't eat any raw onions or raw...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for me, it's like my brain has changed. The stuff that tastes, it doesn't taste good to me anymore because I'm thinking about the ramifications so much. So the only thing I think about are the exceptions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot wings. I guess eating a lot of, one time I ate like five bagels in one day. Five bagels? Yea, in the pandemic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I eat that's bad is, uh, lox and cream cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that shouldn't give you diarrhea, but it gives me every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the fat for me that kicks my ass. Like if I go to like a barbecue place and have like a beef rib. Oh man. How about high sugar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sugar is, uh, I'm better with it. I think that's because I'm just so active I burn it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually called Minnesota Reggae Colostomy Bag. That's what it's called? Yea, that's the name of the show. It's a weird title, but it's kind of what I talk about for the most part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause I grew up Minnesota and that's why I started having colitis. I got diagnosed at age 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I just learned that recently actually, that's very young, that's very young to get it. I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's pretty rare I guess to have ulcerative colitis when you're that young, but I talk about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting it and like all the stuff that happens, like the treatments and stuff and just, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously having a colostomy bag for, I had it for a period of time, just for, I think about 10 weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it's the, it's the kind of thing where the older I get, I'm like, oh my god, that I'm so lucky not to have that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Opposite actually. You need more? Yea, because I, you get the colostomy bag, there's two surgeries, right? Your colon removed, at least for me there's two surgeries. The first surgery, you are squeamishing out right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, uhm, uh, that's when they have the colostrum because you have it rerouted, you know. And they have to, they set something up inside of you called the J-pouch, which is basically creating like a new rectum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shit can pass through it, so, that's why you have the colostomy bag for about 10 weeks or so, while it heals up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it reroutes the shit and you have it coming out. And, uh, the thing is after that first surgery, obviously the surgery is gnarly as hell and I was in a lot of pain and it was something where, I mean, you can't be prepared for that kind of pain. You just don't know what it's like. How old were you? I was 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's better to do it young, because your body's, you know, so resilient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I did it then, because the younger you are,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First year in college, and uhm, a lot of people don't realize this, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to go to college. I mean, you can like miss a semester and nothing happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so that's a big thing because it's hard as an adult to schedule anything for, like, you'd have to take two months off. How do you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The younger you are, the quicker you bounce back from surgery, so that was part of the thing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have it done then, and when you have your colon taken out, cause my colon was so, you know, it's sick, it's disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, it brings down the rest of the body. So that's why you, that's why colitis becomes such a, uh, or any kind of digestive disease becomes bad. It's not just the, it doesn't just affect your digestion, it affects, it has a systemic effect on the rest of the body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Due to just general inflammation. So it makes you tired, it makes you absorb minerals less, all kinds of stuff. So when you get it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once you recover from the surgery, once I went home from the hospital, I felt a lot better. Even though I have a, a fuckin' bag of shit taped to my stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually was eating a lot more and I was hungrier than I normally would be because, uh, you don't have this thing inside of you that's causing so many problems. Wow. Yeah, so it's weird to be just sitting there chowing down watching TV with a colostomy bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it does, but I really think it's a product of when you're young enough, you just don't know what you don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think with most medical stuff, it affects people's family a lot more than the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see someone suffering, or supposedly suffering, you can't do anything for them, so you feel, you feel, you have this guilt or whatever it is, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's me, I have an active involvement in it so I can, sure I feel bad, but I'm not dying and you're getting better every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I didn't feel terrible about it or anything. I had a little butt-necky push that helped me feel a lot better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda like one of those knock down windy car guys. He's on break from his clown class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would like to be able to do stuff like that, to be able to go in public and act like an idiot like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you kinda, I can't do it so much sometimes cause when you get recognized then it's like, ugh. You know what I mean? You feel like a real fool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, it kinda comes and goes. When I was in Philadelphia a few weeks ago, oh my god, it was, it was weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like those New York guys like that, the guys who are like, they'll talk to the president the same as they talk like a kindergartner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the guys, I had one guy, this is years ago, the first time I was in New York, I asked a guy for directions, and he starts, another guy overhears him, and they start arguing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About the directions on my behalf. That's like the greatest, it's like a gift. Just to see those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a ride, sweetheart? Come on, baby. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey. Hey girl, you need a- I'm sorry about these gentlemen, but you need someone to take you home and have sex with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think Dad's around in this case. I think Dad's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bunch of blood everywhere. Ooh, that would have been a good shot too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the three, three things he just finished his ER rotation. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, uhm, using a trampoline? I've never used a trampoline ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, it's the most obvious one. It's something that no one does. I forgot. I'll remember it. Maybe it's being in a redneck now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, why you lost your leg? Oh, it's cause I honked at some psycho who decided to follow me for two hours and try to kill me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, people don't give a shit about honking there. New York! New York honking all the time. All the time, yea. People don't honk here that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New technique, if somehow I ever fuck up and honk, or whatever, someone tries to confront me because of a road rage incident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, when they come around to talk to me, uhm, if they ever try to talk to me, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hey, how are you? Oh, hey, that's Cora, that's a great Cora you got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, uh, this is a level up of a barber clip. It's got a, it's a woman. I think it's a, I hope it's a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a, a trimmer taped to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leg, and she's doing a guy's, she's taping up a guy's sideburns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something about the name on your, the self on your shirt, which is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This barber shit, man, it's out of control. There's some stuff I see on Instagram and TikTok where it's unnatural the amount of barbering they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it comes down to like, uh, after using like tape and all kinds of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cleanest ass in America will trim you up, get you looking fresh, tight, clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the only version of his machines with energy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a bunch of machines inside. Look back, cause I'm never gonna die. Got a big old terminator gun, no fun. Watch out, spray it with some bunch of cum. Stop by, if you wanna die, come to me with a terminator-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just send me that beat and I'll, I'll send, I'll send you something back that's slick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something he believes in, it's part of his, uh, part of his style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a breast on the wall, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the kind of thing where I feel like there's an older woman on the phone in the background who's like, Jeff, I'm on the f- Stop it! Be quiet!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep it down, I'm on the phone! Go practice your song in the garage! Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta have, what is that? Is that ICP or is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the definitive difference between the Crow and ICP then? I wanna know. This seems like a collab. You know, Crow, X, ICP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, seems like a bit of a, a collab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean uhm, cause he's got the mouth thing like the crow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's, it's beyond good or bad, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that I would have like, guys wanna fight me maybe? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be out here, I'll be out here right quick. I'll be out here right quick now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did this character on a TV show a couple years ago called Little Pouty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, that's like, uh, chick goth stuff right there. It's not even goth. That's like next level, uh, how to upgrade your Coachella look. You know what I mean? It's like, uh, just expensive bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that also looks kinda gross in a weird way. It looks like, oh I have this weird scar I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a bunch of face tats on, neck tats, cause they take so long to come off. Yeah. So they were shooting over a couple of days to keep them on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was out in the world looking like me, but I had the tats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like attention, like uhm, people want to talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies who work at security, like, you know, ladies who work, it's like the, when you check in, the gate, they're like really nice to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want in. That or it's like a thing. Also, I feel like it's a, it shows you're just, you're into that lifestyle. You're so committed that, um, that's what you do. Sure. That seems to me why people get them, not why, but like why it works, why rappers get them. Cause then it's, well, can't do anything else now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a little crawfish here. Oh you do? Okay, okay. Got a crawfish on my shoulder. By the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is she moving? She should have settled in by now. She farting over there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, sit up straight. Sweetheart, is this your stop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Joey, okay. Tell him the meatball is a comedy. The guy runs it and owns it. Tell him to stop by. Give you a little something. He'll let you use the bathroom. Don't worry about it. Do your makeup. Give you a little something. Uhm. What's your project though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna put it out for like, uh, like YMH Live or something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the people who watch the, this, if the reps are interested in it, or show it to the sales people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're complaining like, ugh, my daughter, she's so tired, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm just doing this for cost. Just doing this for cost. That's the best thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not making, John, I'm not making, I'm not making any money off this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Oh, oh, so, shouldn't you not do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was like, you can't charge me for that, cause this is part of the whole thing, initially. I hate that though, I hate how, I don't like having to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, ah, look, I think it's great, but my fucking wife, okay. She, every morning she wakes me up at 6 am and say, look, it's slanted, it's slanted. I'm like, I can't just sleep. So if you could just make it straight so I can get some sleep here. Believe me, it's, it's the D word coming, but until then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to do, I told myself because I got in a screaming match with this guy, this fence contractor, the Israeli guy on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm waiting for him, I call him, like, are they coming? It's just the smallest thing. I just want you to put a little lock on there so when the wind blows, swing the gate open. And he's like, uhm, what do you mean? I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said it. I'm not lying, you said it. And he starts getting all defensive about it. And this is in the middle of COVID when everyone's psycho, right? So I'm just holding onto this little thing. It's all I have in my life is getting him to do this fucking fence for me. And, uh, kind of screaming match with him on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, why do you want me to do it? I'm like, cause your work is good, it's good work, okay? It's good work. I'm not, and eventually, he's like, okay, I'll send someone over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I'll pay, I'll pay a hundred dollars for this just to pull a bolt on there. And afterwards I'm just shaking. Cause I don't want to do this. Yeah. It's not me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told myself after that I'm never having a confrontation with someone ever again. I'm either gonna be like, okay, I'm paying extra just so this is enjoyable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a thing, I just paid some fucking guy today to haul away, but just tell me how much it costs? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm going to build a tax shelter. My thing is not paying this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have a guy when I first moved to LA when I was working, I had a normal job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took advice, I got someone else's tax guy to do my taxes, for two years in a row, he gets you a ton, a ton of, ton back, like a ton back, because I was the subcontractor, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, a bunch of other people used him in the office. They had kids and stuff, so I think it must be fun. I don't remember what happened. I think I got audited or something, or I decided to switch to a different tax guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I show the new, legitimate text guys, this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's sitting there with me, just, you know, the dorkiest tax guy, classic dorky tax guy with the glasses, and he's looking at it and he goes, uhm, uh, do you, so do you own a boat? I'm like, no. He's like, okay. And how about these, uhm, where are your apartments that you own? I'm like, I don't own apartments. And he's like, okay. One second. Hey, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jim, come, come look at this. And all the guys in the office come look at this thing. See this right here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I don't fucking know what this means. The guy said I owned a boat. Oh, that's how he was getting you so much. Yeah. I get tons back and I got audited one year. So ends up, ended up breaking even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they pay you basically cash. Yeah. They don't take it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does your husband have a space that he would work in possibly outside the home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, should be on my site, johnnypamberton.dog. You also should check out my YouTube, I'm putting out a bunch of videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of them are for sale on Instagram through my shop. Most of them. Some of them are too hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Raytheon Technologies. Oh, Technologies, okay. Recognize this logo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sorry, it's Kirkland signature. Kirkland signature. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a little bit of heat. Not like real heat. Yeah. Just like, hey, uh, stop it. Yeah. It's like, okay, we'll stop. Yeah. And, uh, I think it's probably from a hater. It's gotta be, right? Probably. You've forgotten heat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you're having problems, but uhm, it's gonna be okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the sweater's beautiful. It's a great sweater. It looks uncomfortable, but you know, it's the price of fashion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 70 miles per hour. How fast can people run? Not that fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Demarco Fleming. Are you gay? I'm bisexual. Are you top or bottom? I'm a top, dom top, aggressive top. Can you describe what dom top means? Dom top means which means I grab you by the back of your neck, put your face down, ass up and fuck the shit out of you and have you walk crazy for days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say it one more time, give me that one more time. Yep, one more time, one second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Sean King. 100%. Okay. Next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been doing my whole life too, so she knows that trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, let me see what happened to me. I went over to my friend's house and we had, well we had a party. You know, we don't get around here on certain days just when we can get everybody together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we all livin' it up, havin' good old time. Cause some weirdo up there said, we need to have a contest. A stern contest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A stirring contest? What the heck are they talking about? You know everybody's amazing. They ain't been doing nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, we gonna do this. Who all wants to go? Head up, run off, you know. And I got in the final. Yea. You know what? I found out I can outstair anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, ready? I said, yeaah, begin. Hold her open, open her coat up. I said, you think that's gonna really distract me? No, you're crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The contest was over 10 minutes later. Sure was. Can somebody loan me $980?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MrBra.com, here you are, here's your basic pee cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need a bra, you need to be fit, you need a good bra, you come to MrBra.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen this. I am going to go through and pick out all of the skin. I will leave the gelatinous fat in there because it's so good for you and you don't even notice it once you put your mayo mixture in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's real exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing's for sure though, no one said crown, right? No one said crown. That's wrong, that's stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing for sure, I'd put money that is gonna be contested by the losing party. But, I mean, I think Chris is gonna get it. I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Chris, Chris is one of the best redemption arcs of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely reads, he just, you know, he keeps his books at home. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd also like to say that, you know, Chad, I don't want to force you to like do anything that you don't want to do, but you not participating will mean that you resign from the contest and that does mean that you're the loser. So you will need to do the mustache if that's what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You want, I'm sure, I'm very ethical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think the question was would you change anything about it, not, not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have to also do some research. But you understand what my assessment is. Yeaah, I think it's more one gives you an erection and the other one kind of gives you more volume in the regular. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, yeaah, that's fine. So, if I win, I think it's fine, but if I lose, I think it may or may not be a conspiracy. Oh my goodness. Planting the seeds of doubt early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh okay, we don't play that shit on my channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get your big fat ass on somewhere then. I don't deal you big sassy ass broads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be 5'3 and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A high value man. So you go ahead and go on back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from, you know, Chick-fil-A or Popeyes. Yeah, carry your ass on over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardcore. Drop everything to party with Vladimir Putin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardcore, when I'm in Russia, I will go out of my way. If he says, hey, me and you, ride horsey, shirtless, hey, a dacha, huh? Yea, yea, yea. I'd be like, fucking, bye, doom, bitch, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the outfit, this is the outfit. I don't want to look too nice because this is a funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, what I do, I go on the job. I've sued Singular before, AT&T. I got $40,000 out of them in 2006, July 6th, 2006, for race discrimination and sexual harassment. Quid, quote, pro-sexual harassment. Just niggas cracking jokes on the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I did, I went and learned employment, employment rights. My last two jobs, I got $10,000 out of that one through OSHA and got another $10,000 through, through OSHA. So what I do, I go find a job cause I know they got niggas go be violated, safety violations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm gonna go complain about safety violations. I know some bitch ass supervisor gonna get mad by me complaining and start retaliating against me. Then I'm gonna make a call to OSHA and say, hey, they unsafe over here. And then I'm gonna let them know, yeah, I'm the one called OSHA. And they go fuck with me. And then I'm gonna make them pay me $10,000 for retaliation. I get them every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get him every goddamn time. I get the warehouse job. Uh, man, I work for a gun distribution company. I got they motherfucking ass. Yeah, I'm a bad motherfucker with suing jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I, man, that motherfucker know I'm going to go get a job that I already know he, he just, I'm the slip and fall nigga. I'm talking about I'm, I got a 100% success rate in suing every job I done worked for, some through, either through the EEOC or through OSHA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I be tryin' to tell other niggas, say, homie, get in on it. They be scared. And then when I get em', and they get fired, they call me back. Say, man, you think? No, nigga, I try to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's broad, it's so open in America, homie, but the average employee is scared to say something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sexual, sexual harassment, it goes on all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Niggas in the break room talking about who they fucked over the weekend. I'm sitting over there eating, I don't wanna hear that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nigga, I don't care about all them hoes and you doing this every weekend? Well at some point I'm gonna go to the HR lady and say Larry and Leroy talking about women they sleep with every weekend and they need to stop it. Well guess what? They ain't go stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't already complain about it cause you have to make a complaint and let them know that you are uncomfortable with this conversation. Say man, I don't wanna hear that homie. They think I'm just being a bullshit ass nigga. They don't know me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I let them know. So on January 2nd at 1230 lunch break, Larry and Lee Robert talking about fucking Sheila. So I'm gonna keep documentation. So when I go to HR, I'm gonna let HR know. Now they gonna be fucking with me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, OSHA, uh, uh, let me just say this, uh, the 4th World Offers at OSHA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say, man, take this 10,000 and you, man, that's it. But I be having legitimate cases homie because companies leave themselves open for that homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 7 sounds like a reasonable level of, of having to, uh, suppress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it keeps reporting my shit and getting my videos took down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really give a fuck. Just take my whole goddamn account, Tik Tok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here we- Alright, you can't even click the buy ticket button.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's strange. This isn't even my fault, I swear. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They range between 158 to 630 plus. Hit that A4 there in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To another episode of your mom's house podcast. How you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. What was he doing? He was half committed. I don't know what the fuck he was doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was good, it was, yeaah, it was fun. And I think we're gonna have a, this, I'm, I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am confident or hopeful, optimistic that Sober October will be a fun one this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just like the, you know, the origin of it is that we were doing it for Bart. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The construction guys who are working on the, the one year, the wall, the great wall of China can come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of, I mean I feel, sometimes you know, it's okay to feel more than one way about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I respect that somebody has to go to the bathroom and found a reasonable place to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also have the part of me that wants to go, the fuck are you doing here? I know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it leans a little more public than anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you see a porta potty somewhere and you need to go to the bathroom, but we should be clear about ours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not on the street. You have to walk down our driveway. So that's like you're entering property.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, you'd have to, you're coming up to our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're definitely leaving the street to use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be really interesting if you had stopped that guy right before I've been like, excuse, who are you? What are you doing? He's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. You're like, you work here? I work over there. I'm like, we'll go use that one. Go piss on someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no. You don't think you'd get just an emotional boost from that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. He picked me. No, no. That's a violation that's trying to get you to react a certain way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if a guy goes, you know, I'm about to go in here, he's not showing, he goes, I'm gonna, I'm gonna masturbate to you. You don't think that would make you go? That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe if he said it in like a nice, like, instead of, if he wasn't like, I'm gonna go jack my dick in there to you right now. Like that's a little, like, you know, crude. What if he was like, I'm actually so worked up over seeing you, I need a moment in this thing. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the toilet. Well otherwise, I would be in the street, jacking off all over the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, plus, you know, we're like the young people in our neighborhood. There's a bunch of old people in our neighborhood. So we're like, we're the hot item. You know, we're under 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like to feel the wetness of it, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, hilarious. We got this clip in. You wanna see the opening clip? Of course. Pretty good. I think you're gonna like it. Here we go. Hey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I call him BP. Right. I call him BP, I call him pit stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, Jane, blah. And then he walked around the house and he goes, Jane, do you want power in this light here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Nick was great too because he was like, he goes, hey, you know how I was talking to him about his dad and he goes, my dad has like two modes. He's like, Gene Simmons, the rock star, and then like dad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mode right now, cause he came in, he did like some street jokes to us, like some real, like corny street jokes. And he's like, yeah, he's just like full dad. And he goes, my dad either over shares or he's super conservative. It's like, like it's real weird. So my dad will either, he's saying like my, my father will either be like, yeah, you know, I banged however many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousands of women. Or I'll start saying something about a woman and he'll be like, hey, hey, hey, enough of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't operate, like we've talked a lot about how when someone's so famous for so long, you just lose some sense of what reality is. You know, like, like these people that are just weird, like how McConaughey's kind of weird and how Michael Jackson was weird. Like these guys are just like so famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, my dad, I was like, when did uh, when did they, he break? Like when did Kiss, he goes, my dad was 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how long, so Gene Simmons is like 70 something, so he's been famous for like 50 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people dress up like them and paint their face like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Nick. There's Nick, yea. 50 years he's been doing this. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, October 6th, 7th, and 8th, you'll be in Nashville at Zany's. Good job. And then November 4th and 5th, you're returning to New York and you're doing Caroline's on Broadway. And then you're doing Biloxi, Mississippi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, November 18th, uh, Parks Casino in Bensalem November 19th. And then, oh, next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very exciting stuff. Uhm, I don't know. I'm on tour. Go to ThompsonGo.com slash tour. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, quick break and we'll be back with our guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back, and quick reminder to everybody out there, uh, you can go right now to Netflix and see Sam Morrill, same time tomorrow. It's out right now on Netflix. Please welcome Sam Morrill, everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're getting worse. They're getting way worse. You have really, really, like, you're a really skillful joke writer. Thanks. It's really good. And people can see it. You post jokes all the time. You post like crowd work moments. There's so many good ones on your Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The football season has kicked off, teams are celebrating their first wins of the season while others are revisiting their game plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether your team won or lost in week one, DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL is giving you a shot at an easy W. New customers, all you have to do is bet $5 on any NFL wager and you'll instantly receive


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, DraftKings is giving all new customers


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $200 in free bets when they place any $5 or more wager on the football team of their choosing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with same game parlays, you can combine multiple bets from the same game to give yourself a shot at even bigger winnings all season long. DraftKings has been around for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know your funds are safe and can be withdrawn whenever, wherever you want. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers use promo code MOM and receive $200 in free bets instantly when placing a $5 wager. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it wouldn't come in. So we would just like a few seconds it would come in and we would be like, ah, but we would be in sleeping bags next to each other and jerking off in our sleeping bags. And then sometimes his dad had ordered it. So it would come in and then we would jerk off all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the, uh, we see play, we find, my friend's dad had playboys and we're like, this is the fucking hottest thing ever. And now, you know, we have like friends who date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is most of that, like, I always wondered this, is it like post show, you're hanging out, is that how that evolves? Like you're hanging out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how it works, I also don't know how to fucking change the transmission on a car, I mean how does that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I keep, I keep doing this joke. Every fucking night about like, it's real mean about my mom. And it never exists. I love your mom by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so delusional. I swear, I believe this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had stage four cancer. And they were like, this is a death sentence. He is going to die and he's going to die soon. And you would look into his dumb eyes and he would be like, I'm going to beat this thing. And you were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his, uh, his Instagram is the best because he's on vacation. Whenever he's on vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does like, you know, he's worth like 800 million dollars. Yeah, he owns all those movie theaters. Oh my god. He owns so much shit. And so he does these elaborate vacations in Europe and like, I mean like on yachts and he'll be like, Cookie and I had fish tonight. Uh, babe, it was so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we are in a beautiful town of Panaria, Italy. Behind us, it was a thrill for us to see an active volcano today. It's like a fucking fourth grader on the road about their trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go, scroll down, scroll down, scroll down. Like whenever they eat, it's re- oh, go up, go up, go up. That one where there's like four, five, I bet you they just ate there. Hit that. Look what Cookie and I ran into at dinner! In Capri last night. Our friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was crazy. I think that's what most people, it wasn't, we were all also like, I can't believe this, and we were also in the moment going, oh, this guy's about to die. This guy's gonna die soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here we are, fucking 30 years later, whatever it is, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a certain age, I think you're also, like, what's Camilla gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple years. Oh my god. Before he went in. Damn. Yeaah, it's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you inspired, it's probable that you inspired an episode of SVU.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you really have upset somebody, it's like, you're doing something right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I showed up one day to like the pitch and he was like, you know, this piece of shit. How about we do an episode on this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, because they were, for them there even, there was a line. He was allowed to be inappropriate to an acceptable degree and then he would cross the line, the imaginary line, and then they would get upset at him for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, but, you know, we were just having this conversation with, uh, Louie here a few weeks ago about the idea that, you know, when you go to a comedy club or a theater, you go to see stand-up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are, there's an unspoken agreement that we're in here to have this fun. This fun is like the game that somebody who's skilled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is gonna do that and you're, you're enjoying the laughter and the moment of that, which is like you playing with those words and the, and you're not saying that shit in real life. You're not sitting somebody down and being like, isn't this great? You're doing it in the context of a comedy show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've let me know that the shit I'm saying about my mom is just not working, but I haven't been able to give it up yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fries and rice, and they're like, uhm, this is a Michelin style French restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have fries? We don't make french fries here. Do you have rice? Sure. We can whip up some rice. And literally she would go like, and then she would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got back to back meetings, errands to run and chores to take care of. What's the secret to clearing your to-do list? A little help from DoorDash. You can get dinner, household essentials and everything on your grocery list delivered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just use it. I ordered sushi last week. I ordered deodorant. Yeah, I was in a hotel on the road and I only some deodorant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash subject to change terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, now, now I haven't. I've just, she's, she's hit me up. You know, she'll watch and then she'll be like, you know, you are funny, but you are absolutely disgusting. She goes to talk about the porno and F and everything is F. Why can't you be nice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tough gig. Here's the thing. I have come to this conclusion after the years of being involved in this. I don't know that there's such thing as a good stand-up trailer. Those are so hard. That's the way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and they're gonna, they're gonna cut so much in it, and it's gonna be like, let me tell you something else, cut, and then uh-uh. Like all these weird cuts, and they're like, and then they're like, November 1st, and you're like, that's a terrible trailer. Yea, I never liked that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have a, uh, we profile, uh, cool guys sometimes on this show. Oh nice. Uhm, so this- I'm flattered, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, well this is a news story that I think will paint him in one light. Okay, so here's the, here's the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in October of 2015, his former wife, Christy Colon, described the relationship as abusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another girlfriend said he would invite young women he met on Instagram to join them on his yacht. And she felt expected to entertain them. Three times he had sex with her in the middle of the night without her consent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In December of 20, Price began seeing Serena Jowers on their third date. He pulled up videos on Pornhub to show her what he liked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in January of this year, he had dinner with Shelby Hain at a restaurant. Her Uber app wasn't working. He suggested they stay warm in his Tesla as she downloaded it again. Sitting in the front seats, he tried to kiss her and he grabbed her. He did not let go of my throat. Uh, he transformed, she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, his hand pulsing in out for four minutes and then he let go. I'm too drunk. Ms. Hayne recalled him saying as he went back to the seat to pass out. So, uh, Mr. Price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Or, and a voracious lover? Oh, a voracious lover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You give them actual, this is like a, like a pill that's a knockout, right? Like almost like anesthesia. But this, an edible, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't like it, right? I don't like strong. I like a real mild edible. And, uh, one time, well, I got mega dosed one time, uh, by a dear friend and, um, and then Mike Cronin took the same dose and he was like, Oh, I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, really? And then the next day he goes, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kicked in like 40 minutes later. He goes, I spent the night in the hotel bathroom next to the toilet on the floor, like on the porcelain floor. And he goes, I just kept telling myself, don't jump off the balcony. Like that was like, don't jump off the balcony. And then he said he drove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's going through all that, and then on top of that he's losing his light, so like now he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also, um, not true. We've learned in recent years. When we were kids, the whole thing was if you have a concussion, stay awake. And in the last couple years, they're like, that's not true. You can, you can go right to sleep afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Maine is like that. When you're in Maine, you're aware of two things. Like I was, I've been to Maine now like five times. Whenever you're in Maine,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right away you're like, oh they, like when you meet someone who's local, you're like, yeah, they're from here. Yeah. And you also sense that they know immediately that you're not from there. Like it just feels like they pick up on, you don't have to even say anything. It's like the way they address you and look at you is like, you're not from Maine. They just know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it really is. And sometimes it's like, Oh my God. And then as you, as you turn to shut the door, you see the people who are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done the thing where it's like, you go, you check, oh it's locked, and you stand back, and then like, a minute goes by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You regret not learning in school. It's never too late to start with Babbel. Babbel is the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks to their addictively fun and easy bite sized language lessons, you can finally cross learning that new language off your list. I'm on Babbel right now doing two languages. I go back and forth. It's fun. It's way better than that other app. I am a huge Babbel fan. With Babbel, you can choose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go to babbel.com slash mom, that's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash mom for up to 55% off your subscription Babbel language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that place though. Starbucks? I'm still into it. It's consistent, like Brody Stevens would say. You know what you're gonna get? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm much more into it, but. In New York, you guys have the fucking, so many good coffee places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You ever go there? Classic. I've been to Grand Rapids. I was just in New York and I went to La Colombe, which I love that their coffee is fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have to tell you, this has nothing to do with this, but this was, this happened to me and I am, appreciate it so much as we went to an Italian restaurant.


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[Assistant] Uh, this past weekend, I won't say where, but like a good Italian place. And we get brought to the table and the guy comes over and he's, he has like olive skin, black hair that's like very spiked up and crazy. And he's like,


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[Assistant] Welcome to the rest of my name is Giovanni and I'm going to take care of you today. Okay. We have to begin, we have Pecorino cheese, this with cheese is aged at 28 year in Bologna. And he has like, like the heavy, but like distinctly Italian accent.


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[Assistant] And then he gives, hey, you got a piece for you, prego, prego. And he keeps saying prego, bravo. You want some of this, you want some prosciutto, maybe a meatball to start, bravo. Okay. Takes our order, tells everybody this whole thing. Then he does the specials from memory and it's like a, it's like a performance. Like it's a real performance and we're all sitting around.


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[Assistant] And like, when he walks away, we're like, this fucking guy is something else, right? Like, we're like, this is just like a show. And he comes over to me.


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[Assistant] And he puts down the cheese and I go, o fame. And he goes, what? No. And I go, o fame. And he goes.


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[Assistant] He puts the thing down, and I'm like, that's weird.


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[Assistant] That like, cause I've been practicing Italian, and I'm like...


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[Assistant] Let's just call him a cum guzzler or something. What happened? I said, I'm hungry. Oh, okay. I'm like, hmm, you know, like it's just strange that he, so he keeps serving stuff. And at one point I go Giovanni.


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[Assistant] No, I go, and I go, uh, Hey, so, uh, when did you come over? And he goes, I come over in 19 and 92. Uh, my mother come over in 90. My father come over 89. I come over after that and I go, Oh, that's amazing. And I go, you know, you're doing such a great job. Like we're just enjoying this so much. And I go, where are you from? Like where?


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[Assistant] Specifically, he goes, Salvadori. I go, what part of the country, like where is that? You know, there's all these towns and everything. And he goes, it's a country in Central America. What?


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[Assistant] El Salvador? And he goes, do you know it? And I go, yeah!


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[Assistant] He did, man! And here's the thing, instead of being upset, we just all were like, that's fucking incredible. Like, that's amazing that he sells it.


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[Assistant] It felt like it happened in the New York area. So like we were just like, oh, this dude has been around Italians so much that he picked up on all these things and words and phrases. And the craziest part is that he's speaking English with a distinctly


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[Assistant] Italian accent, you know? And then he's like, he doesn't even say El Salvador, which is where everyone, I'm from Salvador. So I was like, Oh, it sounds like a, an Italian town. Is it? He's like, it's a country. Central America. That's amazing. Crazy.


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[Assistant] Removed is when I had my mom do the Spanish podcast. We did a Spanish podcast together.


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[Assistant] And I was reading her slang from Venezuela, and it was all ass centered. It was like, everything was like, something like, if you're bothered, me pica el culo, if you want this, culiando. Everything was like, culo culo culo, and it was all.


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[Assistant] We promoted that clip and I just, and I purposely went to promote it. You can select where and I promoted it in Venezuela.


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[Assistant] And it had like a thousand comments of like, maybe you're a whore and your mom's a whore. And then Instagram took it down for abusive like tone, but I was like, it's clearly in the context of we're joking. But it got removed. But butt stuff is not cool then.


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[Assistant] Yeah, rest in peace. He died? He died, yeah. How'd he die? He had a lady over at his place, and she called 911 because he had


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[Assistant] Kevin Samuels was fucking hilarious. I don't give a shit. Everybody was like calling him misogynistic in this shit. It was-


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[Assistant] He was great. Jesus. Yeaah. Yeaah, he was just direct. But see, it was people who signed up for it. It's not like he's like, calling your house, being like, hey, let me have a talk. It was people who were like, I want to talk to you because I want dating advice. And then, this is the advice you signed up for. It's not like he was being someone different.


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[Assistant] That, uh, how we long genetics. And so you're around him and you're like, this is the fucking most handsome guy I have ever seen. Like same thing, right? Jesus Christ. And, and he's like, he just looks like he's like made from a factory. And he said that when he was on certain teams.


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[Assistant] That some of the players would be like, yo man, your body looks like shit. Like other players would be like, your body's shit. And he's like, really? And they'd be like, you got no definition here. You're supposed to be like more cut up. This is like a guy who you would be like, oh my God, if you saw him. Yeah, tell us. Right. And then they're like, nah, you ain't shit.


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[Assistant] I've tried man, I've tried. You know, I mean, it's, it's a, it's a never ending thing. That's the thing is I think I, I was just telling somebody, I used to think that you'd get to a number and you'd be like, Oh, this is good.


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[Assistant] And as soon as you do that, you start going back. So you have to like tell yourself, oh, this is never over. That's the only way to stay motivated. And the other thing that, um, motivated me was Mark Bell told me, he goes, you know how like sometimes you see a guy and he's like,


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[Assistant] In his fifties or sixties and you go, what happened to that guy? And I go, yeah, he goes, you don't have to be that guy. And I was like, I hear that in my head every day, like being 60 and people go like, the fuck happened to that guy?


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[Assistant] Really looks like shit. Like, if you can, if you can, like, at least not be that, that's kind of a...


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[Assistant] The older you get too, like I can't believe how important warming up is now. Like I'll get to a gym and spend like 30 minutes. If I'm, if I'm thinking that day, just trying to not injure myself.


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[Assistant] You have to lube yourself up a little bit. You have to put a finger in your own ass. You have to lick yourself.


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[Assistant] I like whiskey. That's very exciting.


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[Assistant] But I still got absolutely annihilated in college.


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[Assistant] See a drunk was getting, when you got, like, you're drunk, you know you're drunk, and then you take a hit off a joint. Oh, it's worse.


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[Assistant] That's horrible. It was horrible. Horrible. Yeah. Not as bad as overdosing. I did that once. That's horrible. Yeah, I saw that. That's bad.


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[Assistant] You almost died. I almost died. I almost died. And the worst part is, is definitely the parents. The parents being like...


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[Assistant] I had a car and they're like, well, you know, we're taking your car away because this way you can, uh, like we can't reward you for overdosing. And I was like, how am I going to leave a place that has drugs? And they're like, no, we should give him his car.


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[Assistant] They were like, just fucking off so hard, trying to give him a bath, and, uh, and then he dropped the, uh, handle, you know, the handheld thing out of the bath, so now it's spraying water onto the floor, and I was like, motherfucker, and I turned it off.


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[Assistant] And I was like, that's it, like, you're not getting any treats, and then he's like,


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[Assistant] Popsicle or yea, sometimes. Cookie. The best is, our youngest is four and he goes, uhm, I go, he goes, he goes, what can I have? I go, what do you want? He goes, you pick.


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[Assistant] It's a, it's called a mini, it's ice cream mini cone. He goes, not minis. And I go, you said I could pick. He goes, I don't want that. I go, then why did you say I could pick? And he's like, give me a popsicle. And I go, I want a mini and you said I get to pick. He goes, I hate minis, it's too small. And I go, all right.


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[Assistant] And then I give him that, I make him take that popsicle. And then I give him the other one. I go, give this to your brother. I hear him run in the other room. And then Ellis goes, oh, is this the treat, the popsicle? He goes, you didn't let you pick? He's like, man, this sucks. You fuckers.


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[Assistant] When you do feel like getting back into the dating world, I wanna know if you feel this way. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But this individual is saying that if you like women, you must be attracted to, he said like you must be attracted to cis women, trans women, and trans women with and without bottom surgery and to have a preference outside of that makes you transphobic.


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[Assistant] Threesome. BBC. What I assume is big ass. Not sure what is blurred out after that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, stepmom, another blurred out one, massage, and then black.


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[Assistant] Oh wait, scroll down more. Here's our searching trends. Lesbian scissoring, uhm, mature milf, ebony big ass, I don't know, hooters.


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[Assistant] Relative category, scissoring, ebony and latina. A lot of, just race is what people are, yeaah, again, this would be preferences, like we were talking about. So if you search latina, are you phobic of asians and blacks? They're phobic, yeaah. Because you didn't include them in your search?