[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched an episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Replace them in like cubes or squares or whatever. Just click another one. Maybe you'll find one you like. Or someone will get hurt and everybody likes that. Don't forget to subscribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Friday I needed some alone time and a little solace so I headed back to the apartment to make a new dinner creation of chicken with pasta and broccoli that gave the house a nice aroma before collapsing on the couch to watch Seinfeld and let the humor of Jerry, Elaine and Kramer take me away for some moments of peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since it rained buckets on Saturday, I started the morning off by whipping up a hearty breakfast that included pancakes, eggs, and of course some juicy bacon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afterwards I had a nice little content strategy session where I began sketching out some new ideas that I am really excited to share with all of you in the Hive very soon. At night I made my way to City Tap House to grab dinner with some friends and watch a little football as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had not seen the guys in over a month, so it was awesome to catch up on everything and enjoy a little banter as always. On Sunday, I was invited to FedEx Field for the final commander's game of the season against the vaunted Dallas Cowboys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to smile, uhm, I like to have cool ass conversations, uhm, maybe.


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[Assistant] I just took psychology 101, I'm going to take English 101 next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One that he's like, oh, I'm interested in, um,


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[Assistant] And then for hers, I was able to put a little weight on there. Absolutely love this pair. Daughter is always going to think her mom's a giant pain in the ass and vice versa. But for these two, they're still best friends, which makes these BFF buttholes so much better for the two of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're thruffle. According to most people on the internet, we're going straight to hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing a man should fear more than a woman who's comfortable being alone. You are now competing with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not competing with other guys. I am good being alone. I am fine. So you have to be better than me. You have to make it so that I want to be with you instead of being with me. How are you gonna do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. What's up with my Instagram ad heads? I'm on a roll today because women are fucking stupid. Okay? They're fucking stupid. Yeah. Okay? I don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So basically, what you're saying is like, if you're a dog owner, you're a slave owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Whenever you're watching, pull your jeans up over your clavicle and get ready for an action packed episode of your mom's house. We both dress very elegantly today, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because there's the, uh, what's it called? Barton Springs. Yeah, yeah. Tits out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I thought it was a nude, it was nude over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody would, sure. Somebody's gonna be like, oh, that's Christina P with her tits out, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I mean, I don't really feel like dick out is a huge desire for most guys though. You know? Why? I don't know. I don't feel like most of us are like, damn, you know, this place is pretty cool. It just sucks that my dick can't be up. I don't feel like that's a thought. I don't know. Do you wish your dick was out more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really, I mean, plus Barton Springs is fucking cold. It is cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, when you're out at a park or whatever, are you thinking like, I wish I could be full nude right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also like, really you need to be naked that much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm assuming it can. He probably didn't lotion it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's photos, there's that one photo where she looks actually of a different race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I won't say which one, but it's darker. Yeah. It's really dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you look at it and you're like, what the fuck? And she's like, we would lay out from sunrise to sundown. Like, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the beach in Lima, just 12 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does. Oh, she does? Yeah, she's had like all types of shit removed from her nose and face and yeah, yeah. No, yeah, she paid the price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks good. It looks really good. And you do people are like, where are you coming from? Yeah. Yeah. All right. So cool. I'll try it. I'll try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. You have to wear clothes or something. You're going to stain everything if you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they tell you the whole thing. I forget. We'll find out. We'll find out. Alright, let's, let's, uh, let's start the show. You ready? Sure, buddy. Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he's, she kept her composure as a reporter. That's pretty great.


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[Assistant] He's got cool shades. I can't say actually, to be fair, I can't just say blue collar. Nah, nah, they're sweet. No, no, I'm just saying that like, this doesn't apply just to- it applies to men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Yea, like basically every, you can just get a guy in a certain situation, in a certain mood, you know what I mean? Yea, of course. Like if the circumstances are right, he'll be like, he'll just be like, I'm like, fucking woman, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't believe this by this shit. I was like, oh, so when, when people start to like lecture, oh, about speaking this way and like, don't act like you've never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've always said the perfect, and you think the perfect thing, 24-7. That's why when people fuck up publicly and everybody, oh, you know, I get it, like it feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very cool guy, uh, style. The wraparounds. Yeah. Wraparound. Wraparound. Those don't fall off easy. No. Yeah. He's cool. He's keeping them on for the interview so you don't see what his eyes are really all about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking dumb broad asking me questions. Shut up. Shut up. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Basically the real story is that this guy got cornered, right? He's cornered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some people lash out, right? You corner somebody and then they're like, fuck you. Like that's what he's doing right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting that he agreed to the interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cause if it's a man, he's a di- it's a different interview.


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[Assistant] In a while now, where we don't have the capital J sitting in the booth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he's always been talking about too, I want my work area. And he was like, in a lot of ways you could say that Nadav isn't here so that Eni could get a better desk. Right, I think so too. Cause I remember we had, we had that final meeting and then Eni was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His voice broke, and I was like, what's up? He's like, I just saw Dr. Doc. I'm like, oh yeaah, he's not dead. No. He's not dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people also were speculating that uhm, they're like, what's up with the marathon though? Uhm, and I don't know. I did see that Nadav is still training.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, maybe like a more local one to start?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Dude. Well, that's pretty, um, that is extreme. That might be number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're, first of all, you're a woman. And women, who I, I don't listen to women, but, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women are known for like their hair maintenance. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you actually, you know, you always are getting your hair colored and treated and cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even dudes would sleep with, like, uh, durags. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that was all in college. Like, every black guy on the hall had a durag on. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even in the, like, you go to any hotel. Any hotel. Right. You never were like, oh this is for the blacks. Like that's what you thought. No I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one is, this is a, this is as the kids say, this one hits different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there's a version of what you're saying is like if you're a dog owner, you're a slave owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's really interesting is the people who go, I would have never been a slave owner. Like there's people that tell themselves that, and then they have four dogs. Looks like you have four slaves. Right? Proud slave owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was having a horrible, he was having a horrible reaction. And so, no more slaves in our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're gonna be, you're gonna see a lot of people giving up their dogs in the next few weeks. And like, I do not want to be associated with this hatred. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what happens, like, to a lot of people when the dog has a mistake, they hit their dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the kick, hit, yell at, scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's insane. Are you telling me, I mean, this was way before the cap report. Your dad is... He's coming up a lot today, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you were like, you had this cute little dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's the language they use when you get an unruly, like, we gotta break this, like, we gotta send it to, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then his, your dad's cover, his cover was, the dog was what color? White.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was his out. Oh, it's a white dog. We know what he was really thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's uhm, this is really getting set. Let's uh, ahem, ahem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April is testicular cancer awareness month, but that hasn't stopped Manscaped from spreading awareness for testicular cancer all year long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the Staticular Cancer Society, Manscaped is bringing back their special edition TCS Lawn Mower 4.0 trimmer. This will be the last launch of this collectible, so be sure to pick yours up before they're gone for good. Use the code MOM to get 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com. Did you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One man, every hour, every day, is diagnosed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of their special edition lawnmower 4.0 purple trimmer, Manscape will be donating another $25,000 to their long time partner, the Testicular Cancer Society to help those impacted by testicular cancer. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code MOM at manscape.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or if he's not Indian, he's from the region.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy right here is really sick of the other guy. You know, he's like, you're fucking, something's wrong with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's at Dulles International Airport. His entourage is on their best behavior upon his arrival to DC. Check this out. This was, this is such a classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd love to hear from some Pakistani and Indian people about, uhm, are you guys secretly the most confrontational motherfuckers in the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause these are very like parallel things. Yes. It's all just like, I fuck you here, right here, fuck you. Like, fuck your mother a thousand times, okay? Yeah, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, you gotta give credit to somebody cursing in their second or third language. It's not the same thing. You don't have the same access to the words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why. If you were speaking to an American guy and he was like, I fuck your mother a thousand times, you'd be like, the fuck is wrong with you? But like, when somebody foreign says it, you get what they're saying. Cause that probably is a translation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indian national now, but he's, that's like you, you're not American, you're Canadian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a tits out, big swinging tits out Ontario lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were right there. Yeah. I don't know what we're going to do with your leadership. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wherever you get your podcasts, it's Danny Brown, everybody! Of the Danny Brown Show. I also want to point out real quick, the new album, Quaranta, is coming out soon. Yeah. No way. A few months. A few months, maybe. That's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, so you did that, but you also, you've been, I mean, you've been, even like last year, you were like, I'm in and out of the studio. I don't know if that's when you were recording Quaranto or scaring the hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm so, so like, I, I mean, cause it's not my world, like how, I mean, you hear stories about sessions where people go in and it's like, well, we recorded, we went in and we did four records in, in a few hours. Like you just hit magic, I guess. And then there's the labor of, oh no, this has taken a lot longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't Q-tip, didn't you tell me that like, you went over there, like the first time and you're like, oh, sweet, I'm gonna work with Q-tip. And then he just like, left? Disappeared, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be, I don't know man, I feel like, uh, when, do you still have, I mean, not as much, but when you first link up with someone like that, is there, is there a huge kind of, you know, intimidation factor kinda?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you always, did you always get, uh, do you have the thing where last minute shit would be the magic? You know what I mean? Like you're about to wrap up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is music. I mean, it is so cool that you can have a song that just hits and that's forever. People want to hear it forever. That's different than what we like for jokes. Yeah. Yeah. Jokes. People are like, yeah, that I love that joke, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know the turn. Like the surprise, if surprise doesn't exist, you kind of lose something in comedy, right? But like in music, it's for fucking ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his baby, yeah, that's true. Yeah, his, his, it's been amazing what he's done in the last few years, but yeah, the newest one is incredible. Yeah, it's so good. King's disease 9.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And record that thing, post it myself and now it's mine. It's definitely a smart thing to do. I was thinking like what you were just saying though about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the equivalent in stand up is something that you don't realize until you've been doing it a while, which is that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody can get a laugh from like a, you know, whatever, like dirty joke, you know, sex joke, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really when you can captivate a huge audience to sit forward and you can hear nothing. Like of course the goal is laughter, but if you have them paying attention and you're like, wow, there's like 10,000 people and they're all like listening, that is a skillset. That's not everybody can do that. Definitely. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something that's like, I don't know, like in the moment you're like, wow, everybody's listening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still, by the way, we've talked about this many times, you have to do stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why don't you just, here's the thing, when we were talking about this, we could set this up for in the next couple weeks, why don't you just come, I know the show to, I'll arrange the show to get you on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and you just do, you get up there, low, low stakes, smaller room, uhm, and like three to five minutes of, of like a very generous crowd. Yeah. Fun. Will you come do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you in town next Tuesday? Yeah, yeah. Great. We'll do it then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's gonna be fun. It'll be fun. Alright. I'll tell you more about it when we're done. Okay, cool. It'll be fun. It'll be great. Uhm, what were you gonna say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about not having a concept of what's happening. I remember when that was happening. I was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like I didn't have any grasp of it. And everybody being like, the artist formerly known as, I was like, huh? Like I just didn't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you know the story. I think it was about Frank Ocean. Just, and the, and the, I think it's ASAP Rocky talking to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy, it's crazy. And there was a, uhm, I'm sure you could find it, but like there's a story about how not that long before Prince died, there was like an emergency landing. Yea, yea. Of one of his, his plane. He got them bad pills, man. Because he was like, they had to go right to a hospital, he was in crazy pain, and it was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My heart was given out. It was a sad story. I miss him. He was a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look at this one. His name was never used in the request. Yeah, made a landing at 117 after descending 45,000 feet in 17 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks. Do you know by the way that, I mean, A, you're on YouTube, B, you're an artist. Did you know that there is an exemption for artists on YouTube if you put up art?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, something that is, uh, documentary, uh, style, or, uhm, inform- like information. You can get an exemption for their regular YouTube rules. Did you know this? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they got the porn music on, it's fucking amazing. This is just showing you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I've said this before, but like, he knows that if, once he got this permission, if YouTube goes, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if, uh, we, we were like, you know, this is a very cool thing that you're able to teach people this way and we want to be able to teach people things too. So we decided to make our own version, uhm, which will be available very soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the YMH YouTube channel, but I wanted to show it to Danny Brown, cause he's Danny Brown, he's here today, and we worked very hard on this, and I wanted to make sure that you, uhm, got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we also, we didn't want to leave it just to one gender here. This show has, uh, is a very binary show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You heard this guy who says that he blew Obama? Oh yea, I heard about it. You heard this guy? Here's, just so you get the, cause we have some new stuff, just so you get the background. Oh we do, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy was like, tell me more. Yeah, he, he perf- like, again, I just feel like Obama would be like, if he, if he wants, he'd be like, I could get my dick sucked by a lot of people, and it's not gonna be you, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what we found is that this guy has a history of lies and fabrications and frauds, criminal fraud and just like, just a slew of documented untruths, but here he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting a, he did a polygraph, uhm, about all this, I guess, a while back, and there's footage of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the evaluation, uh, this is, uhm, I can, I guess I can put it over here, right? Of the polygraph, uh, is a credibility assessment. I can't read it there, so I'll read it here. Uhm, basically says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The results are that the reader, I'm sorry, to render a conclusion of deception, there must be a minus three or less in any spot. And to render a conclusion of truthfulness, there must be a plus in every spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sinclair polygraph resulted in an evaluation of deception indication with a score of minus 15 when he answered the relevant questions above. So he, uhm, the full, you know, it has basically the questions and answers and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, also, that he was like a senator, he's like, I gotta find some fuckin' guy to suck my dick. Toothless guy? Toothless, sure, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yes, dude. There'd be like, there'd be like 50 guys be like, that sucks as dick. Yea, he can't just be the only one. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly where I'm gonna land. I don't even know what this- Oh shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. How fast you think he was going? Oh no, he was zipping. Yea, he was zipping through there. He was zip zip zooming. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inmate videos now? For dating? What do you mean? Now there's a thing where people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, they're like, they're match videos from inside, from prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure he got them beaten down the door. Uh, that's uh, that's Alec. Uh, what do you think, we like to play the game, what do you think he's locked up for? Oh, definitely meth. He's a good guesser. Possession of a controlled substance, assault upon certain personnel, domestic battery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was shooting at the officer and ran his car into a cop car. At the time of his crime, he was on probation for possession, eluding arrest and grand theft. So, he basically tried to kill the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I like that he makes it real clear that, uh. No crazy though. No crazy. He the crazy motherfucker, that's why. Yeaah, that's, that is, that dude is something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, Dani, uh, cause this is Christina's moment of the hour. It's, um, her famous, uh, curation of TikTok videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel like the tattoo artist should be, like, sanctioned for agreeing to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shirt is normalized polyamory. It's very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her thing was, just she was like kinda overweight, hey I'm gonna lose weight, and then she's got bigger and bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's this fucking guy? How to steal someone's energy from a distance. Not for beginners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty sure they, uh, did away with the Supreme Court there too. I think it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever the top man says goes. Sounds about right. Yeaah. Uhm, alright, don't forget, check out the new album, Quarantine, which is coming out soon. We don't have the date yet, but it's coming out soon. The Danny Brown Show airs every Tuesday here on the YMH YouTube channel. Also you can download it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should do it more often, man. We should do it more often. And congrats on everything and on the new stuff coming out. Everything that's out and you look great. We're all happy that you're looking good and feeling good, man. We love Danny Brown. We'll see you guys next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched an episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Replace them in like cubes or squares or whatever this is. Just click another one. Maybe you'll find one you like. Or someone will get hurt and everybody likes that. Don't forget to subscribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, how you doing? My name is Greg. Just thought I'd, uh, throw myself out here and see what's going on out there in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking for some good conversation or whatever, if it goes further than that, whatever, if not, I don't know, I'm just looking to meet some cool people and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at $23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men from jail, homeless, or uhm, you're a thug, wanna come move in? A friend can move in with you too, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get ahead and whatever that person can offer you, use anyone and everyone of the male species to get ahead in your own life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If someone is giving you a little bit of things, gifts, but it's not enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give fake information, fake names if you have to. Have five or six names, five or six personalities. At that day, pick whichever one you want to use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in this corner for a while and I noticed a guy was staring at me through that little hole and I couldn't tell if I was being paranoid or if he was just reading a book and he just happened to be in that little corner. Anyways, it felt like anywhere I moved, he kept following me. I definitely didn't expect him to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the actual fuck. Then you notice that he goes over and does the same thing to this girl. And he'll crouch down low and pretend like he's doing something and then... smell? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, I mean he's been at this for years and years of the exact same message, I mean it's pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never had it happen. No? You? Not into it. Not into it. I tried it, it felt like I was shitting, don't like it. Okay, what about you? I mean, I would- I'd be open to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Dr. Drupinski, internist, board certified, and I'm here with you today to present an educational video about screening for an important cause of cancer in men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's an important cause of cancer. It's not as common as breast cancer in women, but it's something that men should be aware and should be able to learn to do their own self-examination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are lots of other things that can go on down there that are not of concern. Cystocele, spermatocele, they feel like another one of these on top, almost like a bleb in a tire for instance, you know, if you have something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you'll also, if you notice, I'm going to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Dr. Drew Pinsky, I'm a physician and I'm an internist, board certified. I'm here to talk about a very important topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have a strange way of thinking about their armpits. They will get little cysts in their skin and assume that is something wrong or cancer. But if you can essentially squeeze it between your fingertips, it's not a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, so I'll lie down now, but it's something you can't just keep an eye on. I think a little bit different what we might do, and it also makes it a little different in terms of how we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, as you can tell, the viscosity and the coloring, uhm, did


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's such a, it's first of all even just getting the children packed for a trip like that. I mean that, that in and of itself, not that you've ever done that, but I'm saying like it's really a hassle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turkey's gross, dude. I want a steak. You know what, you know what part of turkey I like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was the best Thanksgiving ever. And then that was good. You had what you wanted finally, pizza, spaghetti, chicken fingers. But Hatesgiving is back when we were living in Silver Lake, before we had kids, it was comedians, right? All our comic friends, our orphans friends. And then I invited my dad and he showed up two hours late, right? Because he had a date to go to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my dad also has obscure hatreds, like he really hates gypsies, like I would say that gypsies are the top of his hate groups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Rednecks of Europe, but they're way worser because they- Squat. They steal, they squat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's laws to protect these, these parasites too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, okay, I'll tell you what happened. The one time my dad booked and pfft, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was 15 years old. I had just come home from Lollapalooza the day before and I had done two hits of acid on my first time ever. And I'm talking, I'm young. Like I was wearing fucking retainers. I was wearing a goth velvet dress. Like I was little to be doing LSD and I came home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucking tweaked out of my brain. I was up all night just like staring at the ceiling. My parent, my mother was just like, what is happening? And that's the day she sent me to go live with my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they're like, Tristina's on drugs, she's messed up, this is, we need, you know, dad's gotta straighten you out. And then the car ride home, I was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we parked in the garage and he just fucking BAM backhanded me right in the mouth. Cause I was talking some shit, like I even blocked out what the fuck I said to him, that's how traumatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, we're emotional torturers. I'll get inside your head and I'll fuck you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until, you know what I mean? Like, I'll fuck with you emotionally. Right, right, right. I'll devastate your heart. That's what women do. And your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't, women, she's never had physical altercations and she doesn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin 46 years of my life I said it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Jesse Lee Peterson, he's just so, he is so old school. Like, he hasn't even budged an inch in the last 100 years. No, no, no. He's literally 1800s values. Oh, shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just wanted to report, um, it's been a year and a half since I've been for a cleaning and I'd like to apologize for absolutely nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I dominated that shit. A pluses all around bitch, no fucking cavities. And she was like, wow, you take really good care of your teeth. And I go, yeah, because I floss and I do electric toothbrushings. And she was like, there's not even, there wasn't even a drop of blood, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, can I have a lollipop or something? Cause I got an A+.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, um, I was pretty stoked. I got to where I were. I listened to a podcast. I listened to Jamie Lynn and Rob Eyler. Oh, you did? Not today, pal. I had LOL the whole time. It was great. They're great. Yeah, it was so fun. It was a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, fuck me up because like, I have a whole morning protocol that I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not your kids screaming, nobody violently waking me up. It's nice to wake up peacefully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I need to drink coffee immediately. And then I need to be in a quiet meditative state. Okay. And by that, I mean, I look at TikTok. I see what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I must, and I mean MUST take a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know something? I wake up extra early on a travel day, even if I get picked up at 5 AM, I wake up at 4 15 so I can drink coffee, shit, and then go. So I'm not shitting in the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what's funny is that it took me years to realize that about you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a panic. Like, what's happening? I gotta take care of somebody. Like, I'm already on it. And you're like, like you're like a cute little sleepy bear. And you like to stretch and just kinda chill. And I'm like, this lumbering bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee. Okay, brec- see I can't eat breakfast unless I've shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, because I'm totally inflexible. It's almost an OCD with me. I must brown before the day gets started. Fascinating. I cannot go into anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the deal, man. I agree. I think what's fun is watching people bang or change, but the poo poo pee pee part, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I don't want to see people I know pooing and peeing. I don't understand why that's sexual for some people. I just don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're telling me that just out of curiosity, you would, for instance, want to see Josh Zolo Browning.


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[Assistant] Just like, how does he sit? What is he looking at?


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[Assistant] I will say that this hotel I stayed at had a mirror in front of the toilet.


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[Assistant] I don't want to see you browning, believe it or not. I'll talk about it all day long. Yeah. Seeing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna die. I hate it. Why? Just like, it's like this old toothless guy and he's telling me that he butt fucked a guy, like the first time he came in a guy's ass. And I don't wanna know, like I don't wanna hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you're on hoda, you're legit. Subscribe to gayyyyy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, poor guy, wait what did he do to get into prison is what I'm wondering.


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[Assistant] In 1979 at Kentucky State Penitentiary, Johnson would later be sentenced to an additional 18 years in 1987 on charges of wanton endangerment and first degree assault.


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[Assistant] This is engaging in conduct that creates a substantial danger of serious physical injury or death to another person.


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[Assistant] Which added an additional 20 years to his sentence from 1981 to 2013. He was up for parole 13 times after serving a minimum of 20 to 50% of his sentence. However, they were denied due to his sexual crimes on inmates and officers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like, wow, he's a monster fleece. Holy fuck, dude. Okay, he was on the show Lock Up Raw, the convict code, and known as the booty warrior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A show intended for kids to make positive choices and avoid incarceration. We should show this to our sons immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this prison, booty was more important than food, Johnson said on the MSNBC show. Fuck. Booty, a man's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But. But, oh yeaah. There's more, they can't say but, that's stupid. It's on gay magazine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was more important than, I'm serious, booty having some booty was more important than drinking water. Man, when I see one and he looks good to me, when I go see him I say, hey you, come here, I say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you just have a thesaurus in your head that works like that? Where you're like- I think so, I think there's a lot of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, I guess in comedy you have like your Sam Kinnison's, Robin Williams, these people that like have some weird mental chemistry mixed with drugs and alcohol or whatever the fuck it is they're on, and you're like, dude that combo,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty wild. I wonder how much mental illness does play a part in these creative people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause like all the best comics are just fucking gone. Yeah. No, but I love them. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not all crazy, but can I tell you what I love about you actually? Is how not crazy you are and how relatable. I always go back to there's, well there's, I love the album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I like your song Burrito, as silly as it is, because everyone, there's just one lyric where you're like, uhm, I'll take the barbacoa, and you're like watching some guy fucking not know how to order, and you're like, fucking order douchebag, like come on man, just like that little moment, that minutiae.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! I've fallen off stages before, I don't like this. I've like done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this already. I hate when people fuck with animals. You deserve what you get, dipshit. Oh, you fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. I hope he dies. I hope you fucking die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel, this was so stupid as thought, but don't you feel like German Shepherds are racist, dogstab? Like, don't you feel like they're just like, racist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, don't you think they have like backup landing gear? Don't they have that shit on planes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. He thinks I'm the dumbest dummy dumb dumb when something is jittery, and I'm like, babe, and he's like, it's fine, it's fine, you dumb bitch, and I'm like, god. He practically says dumb bitch in his head, he looks at me disdainfully, like, I'm overreacting, our children are with us. I've been on some, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta go, we gotta go. It's like that's how you fuckin' die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that, we're, first of all, you're going to live through this, which is good. These people live, they're traumatized as shit, they're never going to go on a ride or have joy in their lives ever again. Your body can handle that much force on it. It sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you a nice story about Texas though? Yeah. One time we got, I was in the car with the children and I was taking them to school and we got hit and run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy, a carload of dudes ran a red light and hit our car and we were stopped in the street and they took off. And you know what? I managed to get us to the side of the road. We were safe. We're fine. Everybody was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this nice Texan man, about in his 60s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulls up with the guys that did the hit and run. And he goes, ma'am, I found these men. They hit and run you. And I found them. I brought them to you. And he, and I swear, I mean, talk about like Shavori.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With things I can make from the land. So today's thing that I'm excited about is my toothbrush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the little bristles that are coming out are like plastic or something, and I'm like, you know?


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[Assistant] Pamela birch fort Florida state conference of NAACP branches waves in opposition. Anita Dick is an opponent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cute, I like that. I'm still glowing from YMH Live 9.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The J-Mobile sketch is my most favorite thing we've ever done and we spent a goddamn fortune and that was years in the making for the J-Mobile too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember the first company that agreed? Oh my god. Can I finish my thought? Yes, yes, yes. Agreed to do the car. Yes. The J-Mobile ghosted us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how, that's how controversial this sketch is. You have to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was great to finally do, do that sketch because it was years and years in the making. And yeah, I don't want to give away too much, but uh, it really happened. It really happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're wearing this horse nonsense. Like I've seen guys in Austin wearing kilt, so like the record store. I'm like, you're not, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'll wear this kilt today. Easy access. But here's the problem with wearing skirts and such is that you can't really sit. You can only sit one way with your legs crossed and then the whole day your legs are crossed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you look like a fucking Mormon. You look kinda- I- I don't look good in those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you know, I learn new stuff all the time in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you so much for reminding me. ChristinaPOnline.com. I've announced very limited, uh, unlike my husband, I do not come everywhere. I stay home most of the time. So when I leave my house, it counts. Breast balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then Chicago, Chicago jizzanoys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charles. Charles Brown. Charles Brown. Charles from Matchtown. Charles from Matchtown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what makes me angry? Like, I feel the same way watching the Meghan Markle Harry documentary on Netflix. Where, listen to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes to meet the Queen. The fucking Queen of England, mate. For the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Harry says to her in the car, hey, you know how to curtsy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, whaaat? And this is what the stupid woman says, she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like you guys, I know the Americans watching this can like sympathize with me. Oh my god, like you're like, you're royal, like medieval times, like you go to medieval times and there's like a joust and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what it, what she did? Sorry. Sorry. I think what it was with Megan is that she was a little coy with him. Most of the UK broads out there are like, I'm a girlfriend Harry. I can't wait to marry yes. But they're all cockney and gross and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who? I don't know who you are. What royal your highness? Like she fully was like, is that like medieval times? Like bitch, everybody knows how to fucking curse you to the queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then she didn't want to be second fiddle to Kate Middleton. That's my theory. Cause Kate, Whitey Katie, everyone likes her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Harry, there's no go- and he's gotta stay with her now, cause he's deep in, he's two kids deep with this broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no like, I'm going to leave Montecito and go back to London to Buckingham Palace. Like they don't take you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, the Brits age horribly. Like, I think by the time-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't look a damn thing, like Char Char, like the, the, Char Char Stinks. Char Char Stinks, the king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way, dude. That, that look, William looks like that. Oh, it's got the crown where they took like those Harrys. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it is for dildos, no? It's like the old wise guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like old Hungarian dudes have that, it's like an old guy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be the best gift giver you can be this holiday season with DashPass. It's the membership that keeps on giving even after the holidays are over. Unlock savings on their favorite items from thousands of local restaurants and stores near and dear to them for less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A DashPass membership, they'll be able to unlock access to thousands of their local grocery, convenience and retail store items right from their fingertips for less. Now through December 16th, save 50%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Per month, when you buy a Dash Pass, annual membership for only $59 for the first year. I mean, who isn't using DoorDash these days? I swear I use them at least five times a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything for restaurant deliveries, groceries, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, our listeners can also enjoy a gift for themselves with 50% off up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app and enter code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 50% off up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app in any app store and enter code HOUSE. Don't forget that's code HOUSE for 50% off up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think Hitler looks totally different without that mustache?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he had to have cut it off to go live in Port- Portugal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he looks, oh wow, his toe is a different face. Little bit of facial hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would go full beard. I would push the hair back. Cause that good boy hair is a real giveaway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was, he was into pub play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There he is. Looking good, ready to be in politics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't have enough judgement to hide their sexual proclivities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would definitely grab, uh, just the black. Like the, uh, cause everyone's got them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The black cloth one. I thought this was mine. And it's plausible deniability. Is that the right way to say that? Plausible deniability? Yeah. But then he's picking women's bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, to be in government, it's important. Representation is important. Speaking of representation, uhm, there's two things I like to point out. Number one, Goth is finally cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would just like to take full credit for being on the cutting edge. I've liked goth culture, um, since, you know, 92. And it's about time that everyone else has finally caught up. Okay, you're welcome. Um, Wednesday on Netflix, possibly the greatest, biggest streaming show of all time. Goth is cool as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's some dissent in the goth community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As to whether or not Wednesday is a good portrayal of goth culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's more of a natch goth, like I wouldn't consider Allison's, and I know this character very well because I looked up to her when I was like 13, okay? She's not like a pure goth, she's not a trad goth. She's like an everyday goth, like she could work somewhere goth. You know what I mean? Like I would, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, I just think it's a little fucked up that we're fighting amongst ourselves in the goth culture. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me tell you something. Here's how I represent my goth roots. The top may be golf fundraiser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the deal man too, is that I will admit that I think when you and I first started dating I totally had a loser mentality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of gr- exactly, and either you overcome your own stuff in your mind that tells you like, I'm not good enough, they had an advantage, somebody grew up better, I would tell myself, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smarter than me, better looking than me, thinner than me, more talented than me, I'll never make it. I'm a loser, rich people are bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And fuck them. Fuck the winners. And you know what I used to do, especially in the beginning of my comedy career?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then be like, yeah, but that's, that person has this and this and this, and I don't have that. Fuck that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why am I envious of that other person? There's something in me that wants what they have. Not fuck them, but what do they have that I want? Okay, I want that. How do I get there? Maybe I could befriend that person and ask them how they did it. Maybe I can like, strategize a way to get what I want instead of wasting my energy hating that other person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's an energy thing. Either, either you put it towards hating the motherfucker that has what you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want more in life, go get it. Go fucking get it. Don't worry about what other people are doing. Stay in your own lane. That's the biggest thing I had to learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. He's right, you can do more help with the world by becoming prosperous. Yeah. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But ain't that the truth? When we think back to our comedy careers, who are the worst low frequency haters? The open micers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And man, watch how much faster you get better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you elevate and all of a sudden you're like, dude, I'm, I'm an eagle now, like Dan fucking Pena. He's an eagle. Eagles fly alone, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As your sweet little chihuahua. Which by the way, I've been seeing chihuahua talks. They ain't pleasant either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really want to be empty bladdered to feel the excitement. It's a good topic and I want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to say this is absolutely a highlight of my entire career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of all the things I've done, I'm the proudest of this because this was really a grassroots effort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Between the mommies with us over years of hard work and dedication.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking awesome. And it's true. Listen, if they print it in the Inquirer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He couldn't have thought of like, blizzard man or weather guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hacky. And not only that, at your mom's house, we've always celebrated basement dwellers. That's what these walls are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you're not insulting our fanbase, we fucking love basement dwellers, dipshit. I mean, this guy wants the heat, he can get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's raining in Erie, I can't leave. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, he can't come here. There's no flights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's really unique and special and I just did Dania Beach and at the last show I had a man answer a FaceTime call from a coworker that couldn't make the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's sitting in the front row, so he's right in front of me, and he's like, yeah, hey, talk to her, and he's heading the phone back, and I was like, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? He's like, FaceTime, she called me, and I'm like, and you thought it was okay to answer this in the middle of my show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I took the phone and I put her down on the, I just put it on the end of the stage and I was like, have your cunt friend watch the whole fucking show from the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's usually a guy or some drunk bitch. It's not the whole room. And I hate that, like, I can't control my temper sometimes. Yeah, everybody, yeah. Like, sometimes I'll just see red, and I'll be like, fuck your mother, dude. Oh, completely agree. Fuck your mother, you fucking cunt. And then I'll just want to kill him. You should be allowed to murder. Don't you think, like, you should be allowed to murder a heckler? Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could lose your life at the show if you're a pit, if you're a bitch cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I genuinely wanted to know, I was like, what do you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I got irrationally upset. I was walking through the airport and I saw that brand that says, Life's Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just don't? Yeaah. They just don't, they don't show. And that's why we get confused. Cause we're like, do you like being here right now? Or would you rather be staring at the wall alone? You know what I mean? Like we don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotcha. You're just going to be stoic and like, like, like Jackie Onassis, like aloof and mysterious. You're, you're maintaining your aloofness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess it does feel like pressure when a woman grills, like asks you how you feel. Cause you're like, I don't know how I feel right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That if guys are not interested, they don't show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how guys let you know. Women are vague, more vague. We're afraid to say no, maybe we think. But I said something like, did you really say no? Or did you kind of like hint? So that's probably why we girls are a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Harry and Meghan Markle, like he's so, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, she's dropped an atomic bomb on the royal family. Oh yeah, she's, but he's condoning, he wants it. He can't say no to mommy, so he's gonna date a woman that will say no for him. That's what these royals do. This happens historically in the family. They fall in love with a woman who's ill-suited, and that's their excuse to get out of being in the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he has a fund set aside for him that the Spencers or whatever had.


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[Assistant] If, if you're in the royal family, that is your stipend, right? For travel, for everything. But once you leave the duties of the family, which they have, they're on their own. They no longer get that salary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did? They made a lot of scratch. 40 million dollars? Jesus. God. Yes. A lot of scratch for this Netflix thing. That's pretty crazy.


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[Assistant] Oh, and Henry, Harry's also coming out with an autobiography called The Spare.


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[Assistant] I think she's very cunning. I think she, she's a savvy broad. She's a savvy broad. I think she was very book smart and she was a dork growing up and then she got hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, she's done. And they're saying they're not invited. They shouldn't be invited rather to the coronation of King Charles.


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[Assistant] No. And it's so funny cause their constant struggle is to legitimize themselves as royalty. Like what job, if you have to keep justifying your existence of that job, chances are it's not a real job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does a little shit. He was hot when he was like 28, but Google him. Yeah, dog. Okay. Hell yeah. Prince Charles, 28. Watch that shit. Playing polo on them horses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was. When he was young, he was in good shape. He would go to the, this is where he met Camilla. He was banging Camilla and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The crying mummy. You know what, you wanna hear a real cool detail about him? See, he looks cute there. Wanna hear a cool story? Uh, so Prince Charles...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like him. Okay. So, so, but listen, listen, do you know what he did? So Princess Diana has their first child, like literally they go home from the hospital and then he goes right back out and plays polo like 10 minutes later outside of the palace. And they're like, yeah, big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was high when he was pla- there's like a vacation photo of him when he was like, young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a documentary I saw, and uhm, he looked pretty fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. Yeah, cause that body went so limp. And the sticks fell off.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. You're so funny. It's nice of you. Thank you so much. You've been funny for forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're marginalized people in the TikTok community. Okay. And I feature them and give them a voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my passion project, if you will. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Decrustify basically, they're just so gnarly. I got into watching these because they're so satisfying. Watch when the dentist finally gets it off, you're going to be like, oh yeah, it looks like a big piece of popcorn, but it's not deposits of nasty shit. Oh, isn't that cool? Usually homeless people, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's off, and also it's not a genuine smile, right? Cause the smile is always in the eyes. It's never in the mouth. When someone just smiles with the lower half, it's totally fake. So I don't like that one.


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[Assistant] Nooo. Well, okay, so I think what this is, because there's a whole raw meat eating community,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out there where people are showing you how macho and masculine they are. And this is like the like, I can't like, it's like, like I'm a hot chick and I can do that. It's like when like girls are gamers too. Like I like guy shit too. That's what she's trying to do. She's just getting, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like triple jointed.


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[Assistant] Oh, shit. She also taught us sexy fun. Yes. Isn't that cool?


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[Assistant] How much easier? It's a bed above, a fishing-


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[Assistant] Mr. Dog, but in his defense, those are some meaty looking, like healthy chunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They weren't, it wasn't like totally processed looking. It looks like tofu. I'm gonna be eating that shit for lunch, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it just sounds like an old guy's sport. Like, we were watching golf on television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, how is this, this is just not very exciting, it's so fucking slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know it takes talent, obviously it's difficult, it looks really difficult, but uhm, I dunno. It just doesn't seem very inspiring to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm not a sports lady. You're talking to the wrong gal.


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[Assistant] Right, and how fortunate that he was just walking in his backyard with his pan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and he's punching his bark, his lounge chair or something.


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[Assistant] I understand loving your dogs, because I'm obsessed with dogs, but I don't let- I never let my dogs lick my mouth out. I just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the smell of dogs' mouths when they smell real bad. Really? I do. I used to love people's mouths smell like a fucking fish market. But I loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and her teeth are real clean. Yeah. Like, she's got a clean mouth, which I really admire. Like, her teeth are nice and white. Everything's good. She just seems real clean out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like Kierkegaard a little.


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[Assistant] Alright, I like the chest, chest piece or the big Irish, the fighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being French in New Orleans is like being Jewish in New York. You know, it's a par for the course. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Well every girl, didn't you do that in college? You know the make out?


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[Assistant] Vic Theater in Chicago. I think it's a great theater. Great room. Great room. It's kind of got that Wilbur thing where it feels like a club, but it's still a theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Norm has done one there, Bill Hicks, so it felt cool. And I'm the only idiot that recorded on St. Patty's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I figured you with the R word, that was over, the big tardo, and uh, they were like, ah, go nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh good, alright. Yeah. Finally. I mean the liver can only do so much and I've gone into his bedroom, I don't know if you've seen it, it's just pill bottles for days. Those doctor bottles, those orange ones, you know? Yeah. And it's like liver, uh, cholesterol, high blood pressure, AIDS, whatever he's got. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Front row man, cause it was catering, it was cookies everywhere, and it was kegs, and then it's booze, and you start drinking, we do a slip and slide, so you're drinking all through the day, and then the night hits, and then it's, then the shots start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think every comic has a thing that they can't help, like, uh, like Seinfeld's got 800 cars, you know? And Bert, Bert's not like a fuck guy, but he's like a food booze guy. Everybody's got their, you know, DS. Yeah, DS has got the gummies all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right now, I did them all during the pandemic on scaffolding, which is very embarrassing when someone walks by and goes, comedy. I'm like, ah, jeez. But, uh, yeah, so I'd say I'm up to about 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About a hundred, yea, and I do, I vary, I do the, the spider, what do you call that, the spider man where you kick the knees up? I forgot the name of it. But, oh, mountain climber! That's it. Yea, and then I do like the diamond, I really get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So when I'm on the road and like, you have to get on a flight early, I'm on the flight and I never did my pushups and I'm freaking out. Cause you have that guilt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll do them in like a green room and comics are like, what are you, what are you, this guy now? And I'm like, no, I just didn't do them before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your own, you got the phone out, you take breaks, you tiktok, yeaah, you look at the Colombian hooker guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the king. I saw him once, this is my favorite to tell, I've got 30 of them and I've said this before, but he goes, uh, two Hispanic women weren't laughing and they were just kind of like hating him. And he goes, what happened ladies? Did Selena die again? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think we can all agree, he's bi. But yea, that's silly, come on. If your ass is that flat, you can probably get penetrated more in the rump.


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[Assistant] How does that happen? Who's the doctor there? That person should be fired.


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[Assistant] She looked, she had it, that was, that's alright, on the right is still passable, but now it's too far gone. Yeah, we were all like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Sexy lady. Yeah. Crazy looking.


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[Assistant] You know what's really happening here? There's some clitoral stimulation with that stick. Oh, maybe. That's what's really going on. These are just nerds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the female sex robot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No way. You could just put like a sack of marbles in there or something, a hacky sack. So weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a fetish though, some guys like being beat up by women. Really? That's a big category.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, could she fight an MMA? I feel like they would just duck and then uppercut her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're allowed to hate shit.


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[Assistant] Does it sound like, is it? It's the Zoomers, the Gen Z. It took me a while to catch on, but like, I kinda like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well you would just like, leave it at serving kind, like your serving kind.


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[Assistant] And then just like, you're looking cunty, like that's the adjective.


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[Assistant] Just being extra sparkles, just like owning it.


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[Assistant] If you see a big bitch sitting alone at the bar, she's gonna be very easy to approach. One of the reasons why is because she feels resentment towards all the pretty bitches who get chosen over her. So approach her and I promise you she will start the conversation up herself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two curve models are accusing a local nightclub of fat-shaming them because they were denied entry because of their appearance. Eyewitness News reporter Rob Hays spoke to the women about their experience and got a response from the nightclub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my hole. Go ahead and buy it. It's modeled after Tom's post-diarrhea. That's where it fits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got a new, we've got a new Leo. Bob.


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[Assistant] Or, my favorite, as I was just brushing my teeth in the bathroom, he was like, ladies come over boys, you gotta wash the bathroom.


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[Assistant] Get the flecks off the mirror. Yes. And the fruit flies are going to give you away.


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[Assistant] He has all the answers. This guy is a pussy mastermind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, apropos our discussion on you coming in space.


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[Assistant] Yes. As usual, our brilliant listeners, I love when they write in and they point out things that we didn't even consider. Sure.


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[Assistant] I believe you have missed a crucial point that deserves to get some attention. While the topic of space cum was touched upon, I don't think the idea was fully fleshed out. What you failed to consider was the fact


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this zero gravity environment, any sort of ejaculate you produce while spanking the monkey will not be landing on your fat hairy belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, it will continue to travel at the angle it is launched at.


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[Assistant] Now, given the male ejaculate exits at around 25 miles per hour, some truly fun games could be played. Target practice from across the room, shooting your buddy in the face would come from distances before unimaginable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are a cum champ like Tom and produce vol- is it voluminous? Chan? Smart Chan? Voluminous? Voluminous? Voluminous? Loads. Then all the more fun. Just something to consider yours truly, Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't consider the physics of these things and that's why we need you listeners to write in with such important knowledge.


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[Assistant] No, free of charge too. A celebrity, a major celebrity like Tom Segura.


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[Assistant] Hold on, here's another problem. Not only is the ejaculate an issue, but-


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[Assistant] And they tether you to the craft and all that. And also, the good news-


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[Assistant] This is space travel in my- This is a whole other level of that. It's a little different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to tell you that, you know, Annie, he's got a lot of swag, a lot of confidence. I would like to see him have a big win. And I think it'll be fun to watch you like throw your dick around on the basketball court. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about we just get to x-ray his intestines and see how much is in there or something like that? That's really interesting. Or can we take him to get, um, cleanse, like what you did. Oh yeah, the colon cleansing. Would you do that? Where they put water up in you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun! Wooo! Ryan Hall came in here and heated it up. Dang, I would love that. He's fired up!


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[Assistant] I really just look forward to these and we've got some from our home team.


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[Assistant] And if you can sneak in a Hey Hitler, do so quietly. But that one's, that's like bonus points if you can sneak in a Hi Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He obviously knew that I told him I loved him and he goes, I just want to ask you, cause he saw that I was married. He goes, I wish I had, I wish I had somebody who gave me a ring like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, you have any advice for, and I go, well, I've been with, you know, same guy for 17 years. And I, and, and we just talked about love. And I said, yeah, I think the best thing is to share values and marry somebody that you could sit in a cafe with and talk to them for hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that you see the same thing. So for instance, if like some weirdo walks by, you go, Oh my God, do you see that? And your mate should go, Oh my God, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love his hair. Tom was the first man that I had relations with that was that hairy and like just a stinky old bear and I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you could have fucked her probably. You're like, let's take that Rao's home and I'll pour it on your tits, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But rail sauce slaps, it's the best. Anything else is dog shit. Why don't you get a taste of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, cause the kids won't eat the real, you have to get them stuff loaded with sugar. Like prego or ragu, that's what they get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. Because it shows that he was thoughtful and that he really wanted to spend that time with you and planned out the thing. Why do you think that most- It's a beautiful thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be tough to market yourself because I've been with, uh, like Chase will show me the apps, my feature act and we'll swipe and like women, the littlest thing can turn us off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, for me, I tell you, first of all, if I work on looking at profiles, and if the guys, like, got a beer in every picture, I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all he wants. Yeah, so you know, right? Like, oh, this person's an alcoholic. But then the travel photo, you think, yeah, I look interesting. I like to travel, but then it's such a basic bitch move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and I hear boys always have pictures of them fishing. It's like every man is a fisherman or like a hunter of sorts. And you're like, okay, that's kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But now we do. We do in Austin. My kids do. Super fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You meet the woman, the girl, the woman of your dreams. She's absolutely perfect in every way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, well I think part of that is cause you're very white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And foreigners are very crass and disgusting and that's a dynamic I watched growing up. You just say whatever the fuck you want. Because did you say whatever you wanted growing up? I imagine no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alluvra. But do you think now if you were in a couple you could be more open? Like Tom and I are? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, words of affirmation and physical touch. You know what I like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't do that with me, I'm cold as ice.


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[Assistant] You know why? I'll tell you what makes those veneers better than the bad ones you see. You see how there's some translucency at the bottom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I broke my ankle two years ago. That was cool. Wisdom teeth removal. That's really it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] IVF, when they took out my, when they harvested my eggs, that's three times I've been put out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They take your eggs out and then you tell them to put the ugly ones back, right? Throw them in the garbage, the ugly ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so what would have been the recovery time had you gone in for surgery?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But didn't they put like steel shit in your arms? Yeah, I have a plate in here still. Wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I don't want him in the streets on some shit. He's gonna put my fucking kids on there. Like no, he already is into like helicopter piloting and race car driving. Uh, he's already into high risk behaviors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a safe environment. Five times lower than bikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because bicycles are highly dangerous, but I wouldn't let my kids ride in the, in traffic. You're in traffic. Please, how many scooter accidents a year? Let me tell you what your kids are with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but I don't overprotect my boys. We were just talking about this last episode. They have a trampoline. I encourage them to fuck with each other. I encourage them to be wildlings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're strong and resilient. They beat the fuck out of grown men. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I let them play with fake guns and like pop caps and we have those shit that you throw on the floor and it snaps. They're way too young for that. Not just those I get, not just the sperm ones, but like the real fucking deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, I thought, I thought you were gonna say blue, or like actually turquoise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll drop you off there after this, Tom. You can Vespa home. Go ahead and buy one. If you make it home, you get to keep it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Will you just double your life insurance? Go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, can I tell you something? You know how the reason you're a good father is because you had no father? My father, when he was 18 years old in Budapest, Hungary,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was on a fucking motorcycle, bullshit scooter, slid underneath a truck in front of him, right? The truck stops suddenly, he skids under it, knocked out all his front teeth and cracked his head open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are people that are popular on TikTok and then people who need their popularity built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is plumbers, and they pull cool stuff out of pipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look what that motherfucker pulled out of somebody's plumbing, bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a wellness person. So this clip went viral a while back because people were like, she's starving herself. And you're like, oh my God, newsflash, the Hollywood actress has an eating disorder. No fucking shit. So I think it's funny that like people are like, oh my God. And on the other hand, I go, yeah, she's middle aged. When you're middle aged, you can't eat. That's how you fucking stay thin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's healthy. Well, we have friends who make their little girls count bites, like just four more bites and you're like, boy, that's how you get an eating disorder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so bummed for her. I feel so sad for her. It's like, cause when you get a bad haircut, you just let it grow out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite memory of FIFO, Rest In Peace, our little guy, we used to have a lot of rats in the valley when we lived there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we put rat traps everywhere, and they're like little blue squares of poison, and you hide them in something. Well, Feef comes running up to me one day, just happy as shit, just trotting on the grass, and he's got that brick, the poison brick in his mouth, and he's like, hey mom!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The line seemed lower and you will all definitely pull through with lots of suggestions. I'm not mad. I was just going through a little shock. So she feels guilty for calling out. She feels guilty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the practice things look great. That actually is cool as shit. Yeah, that looks dope. And then it's knowledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give a great, for instance, remember when McDonald's approached us and they were like, would you mind painting your mom's house set yellow and red? And at first we were like, yeah, we saw mom, this is fucking great. And then you get in there and you're like, whoa, that is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we put this, can we do this? Is there anybody in the world that can fix that girl's tattoo? Are you listening to this podcast? Can you help this girl? Can we help her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was on here earlier and she was proud to announce that she and her husband were going on the search for the second wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what's really interesting is she's like, I'm the rich one and he's the hot one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, why is she allowing him to have more wives? He's, what does he bring in other than like, looks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like doing this pro-Islam. So we found a whole, uhm, lane of propaganda for North Korea. This is like pro-whatever-Islamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are all Muslims into multi-wives? No, no, no, definitely not. That's why I say I want to sound ignorant, because I don't think all Muslims are multi-wives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But homie, what about the other tiny wing in there? You just, you still go off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to lose that fucking loser boyfriend that was telling me I was too fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jason! Oh my god, I just put it together. That's your real name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, look, does- here's a secret, David Gold might get laid more than we imagine. Because he puts this- I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Low-T-Kings, like I like, of man in like mid-fifties, like, he's had a spiritual awakening, he's made mistakes, he just does yoga, and he's in a wellness, and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we talk about spirituality and our feelings and stuff, we hold hands, we gaze deeply into each other's eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to be my low-T king. You have ten years. You can get there. He'll get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, that's all I'm gonna be saying, like listen, I tried to keep it quiet for your motherfucking match, cause you know, we were trying to record and I wasn't trying to be loud and make it about me, you know what I'm saying, but this is my game, bro, I'm gonna be talking non-stop. Non-stop shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why would you be coaching me though? Shouldn't you be coaching Ryan, you know what I'm saying? No. Why? Because Ryan's YMH Studios. So are you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm also, I don't know. I don't know. I make myself


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why would I want- why would I want you to lose? I'm just saying, I- I usually- Man, I be talking so much shit, you know what I'm saying? I make it- I make it like you- I like people wanting me to lose. But I don't want you to lose. Well that's very interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand it, I get it. I'm motherfuck- I'm a clown, man. I've been clou- I voted class clown in motherfuckin' 7th grade, I ain't changed since. It's always been me, so it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess what I'm trying to say is, that's not my intention. Like, I like people wanting me to lose, but I know where it comes from. I know, it's very odd that you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if it was, so if it was under 15, what are we talking? Whatever, man. 100 bucks. Okay. Alright. You taking that action? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, did you, uh, did you try having sex with women first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your deepest, darkest secret? Like a secret you never told nobody. Like, what's your deepest, darkest secret?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] G.M. Well, uhm, you know, uh, I just wanna say there's, I feel like I embarrass myself on this show a lot, and every time that I do, you guys kinda come in and save the day for me. So, I just wanna say thank you for, you know, sending me to rehab and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Cause they're lumping you in with other, other addicts as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But like, I was just addicted to gambling, but like everyone else that was there was addicted to gambling and other stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, yeaah. Yeaah. No, she was a little sad, but it's just like, ayy, you know, it got work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of nerd shit, like PCs became easier to edit on. And then Eni built my- So now I have a PC at home that Eni built for me. Oh really? Like years ago and it's still chugging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi there, I'm meteorologist David Wolter. I live in Erie, Pennsylvania. It's fine. I'd love to talk about Hawaii, but I have some important things to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Secondly, I was wrong about YMH fans. They're not basement dwellers. They're the kindest, funniest, and most thoughtful fanbase out there. See, I'm not G. I'm a weatherman, and I know when a storm is coming. I'd like to tell every Tom and YMH fan this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the basketball court, and I didn't. He proved himself to be a worthy opponent. I'd like to think we've gained respect for each other, both personally and on the court. Congrats Tom, you beat me. As far as the rematch goes, if you want to do it again, you better believe me, I'm coming up in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compared to before, I think that's pretty good. And now as my hair dries, as the water evaporates from my hair, uh, it will, uh, become humidity in the air and then our air conditioning system will collect, uh, that into condensate and it won't be long and our water processing system will turn that into drinking water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can be too much. Do you still have family in Canada?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no equality in a marriage. Absolutely none. Okay? Like for example, in my marriage, my husband's the hot one and I'm the rich one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every other marriage is different. Like for example, your marriage will go through different time periods. Like sometimes you feel like you're putting in 90% and he's putting in 10. And sometimes you're putting in 0% and he's putting in 100%. It's gonna vary all throughout. There is absolutely no equality. So don't let anyone fool you and tell you there is equality in marriage. There isn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be my favorite drop in the recent years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that one, cause I don't know if you guys know this, but to get warmed up for the show, Tom will play drops from the board and we'll kind of go down memory lane. Oh, that's so gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nothing makes me laugh every time, like the point of personal privilege, people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that always makes me laugh too. But I've laughed at that word since I was a little kid. Like remember when you learned that word?


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[Assistant] That one's cool, cause she's teaching people how to speak English. She is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This morning, I washed my legs and my feet in the shower.


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[Assistant] No, I'm an idiot. I still forgot what that girl said. You know? So I lifted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lifted one leg up at a time, and then I balanced, so like I still have a bum ankle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm an idiot, I forgot. But it's cold. I don't want to sit on the cold bench. And then I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I washed my feet, but then the problem is you put your foot down and then it's all slippery because there's soap on there. And there's soap on the shower, so I'm, I'm opposed to it still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I think the washcloth is a poor person, uhm, thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't understand, I guess it is just so that you don't have to touch your hands to your genitals. We don't have that much soap to go around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the utility? Or is the utility like, I don't have to touch my bare butt or my bare genitals. I don't know. My bare- I think it's more of a puritanically rooted thing of like, I don't want to touch my bits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, this is why I'm against washcloths or loofahs really, because they do harbor back, they're moldy.


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[Assistant] I, I could tell, you're like my infant, like my newborn. I can tell just by the farts what's gonna happen any moment. The cries. I know you. I know you, man. So, fuck it, I was so po- Go shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had we had this moment on last episode when we had our little contest, you would have lost.


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[Assistant] I thought that TikTok was gonna go, cause she starts off with, hey guys! I thought it was gonna be like, I found a new recipe for blueberry muffins. And then it was that instead. To the real courage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was I, was I listening to Pajama Pants, Rob Eyler and yeah, Jamie Lennon. Yeah. And he went through a podcast and they were going through people's profiles, like singles profiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, it was alarming at how many people had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drinks in their hands, in their pictures, or were like, I love drinking, brunch, Sunday brunch, I get hammered. And you're like, don't put that in your profile as a hobby. Drinking shouldn't be a hobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what she sounds like now. That's probably what she sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. And we even had neighbors. I, I, you know, when you, like you have a thought that you think about every once a week, I think about this thought. We had a neighbor, two ladies who lived, our house was in between them. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One lady would go over to the other lady's house around 10am and then start drinking and they would drink together all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now one of those ladies was in really good shape. And I asked her, I asked her, I was like, how are you this fit? Cause I know you like to party with so and so. And she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And can you imagine too, like Chris Rock, you're gonna go see Chris Rock, and you bought your tickets months ago, and a lot of people came so dressed up, I'll never forget how good that audience was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they get irate when you try to shush them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of entertaining drugs, I'd like to plug my dates now. This would be a great opportunity. Also, I've noticed that Instagram has, what is it, blacklisted me? What is that, shadow, shadow ban, shadow danced me? That people can't, I'm telling you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Christina P, you follow me. Okay, christinapanline.com for my dates. Here are my dates. Breast Balls Beach, January 20th. 21st, uhm, in your at Addison, in your Asteson, Texas, February 2nd, 3rd and 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good one. May 13th and come in Charlestown, West Virginia.


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[Assistant] You gotta drink your pints. They love drinking their pints, guys. They do, man. Jesus Christ. Could you imagine? That's all you do. That's a big pub culture over there, right? Get off work, go to the pub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You won't do anything. Meet at the pub, the pub, the pub. The pub is really a cultural. It is. It is. It's where they go.


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[Assistant] I was just gonna say, where is this piece of shit from?


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[Assistant] Right. It is funny because I always think about our discussion of like Florida garbage and this guy is 100% Florida trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me see if I can guess why. Number one, the dolphin necklace, they always have stupid jewelry on, like bad, a bad, dumb necklace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then it's the shades. Like those are such Florida garbage sunglasses.


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[Assistant] Right, cause he's spending all his time balancing those rocks on top of each other.


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[Assistant] And they're always Florida trash too, is really skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not like, like these type of garbage Floridians. Yeah. Or just why they're always like rail thin. Is it like drugs, math and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He passes out. He's got a limp dick from booze.


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[Assistant] I'm like, that guy's Florida. The dolphin necklace? That is strictly Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny too is that I always picture your sisters, they make me laugh so hard, cause you guys are not Florida. Well we moved there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I really would like to know, like, why it really makes me laugh to know that they've given themselves brain damage. Like, that you did this to yourself is astounding.