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[Assistant] And then uhm, I just, I love, I think that we've been friends with them for so long that I feel so comfortable, we both feel so comfortable, all of us, that I, I let the biggest fart out after dinner and it was like, it was just, it was lovely that we could feel that close.


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[Assistant] But you know what I think? They're gonna stay together forever. Yes, definitely. And I think it's because...


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[Assistant] In a way, they have a similar dynamic to us, but an opposite one. So let me explain. You and I try to be really kind and sweet to each other, I think. And honest at the same time.


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[Assistant] They're honest, but like, brutally honest.


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[Assistant] I mean, man, I took one bite and he cleared his bowl. His dog bowl.


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[Assistant] Well, he drank a lot of wine last night. Let's just say I think I brought out like


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[Assistant] No, because Burt is normal when he's drunk. You do not even notice. There's no difference.


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[Assistant] And the Chrysler's, we used to live on the same street, they lived way up a bit in the better part of town. And I'd go, we'd go to their house, remember when they used to live in like an apartment essentially, back then they were all broke ass comics. And I remember,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when he started doing Rogaine. He started taking his Rogaine. And he would rub it on himself, take a Rogaine and we would make fun of him so much.


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[Assistant] Way out town! Uhm, I'll tell you this. Did you look at real estate for us?


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[Assistant] What was I gonna say now? Oh, two things. First of all, I've decided to learn my geography


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's LA and then not LA. And I've decided that that might be a narrow way of thinking.


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[Assistant] I knew the big ones, like I knew the coasts. I know Florida, cause I've been there a bunch. And here's the saddest part, is that I'm a touring comedian. So I knew the states that I've toured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- I didn't know where the Dakotas were. Blank is a fart. Not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I get tripped up too. Cause that's all in the same region. Like I know the west coast, Utah, and... By the way, speaking of uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 900,000 people is like the San Fernando Valley. It's nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's wild. So that, that poor population, I mean, it's just, it's unbelievable how this whole thing is happening. But I don't mean to laugh at people dying, I just laughed at like 900,000 people is what I was like. That's nothing. That's nobody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what I like to do. I take my two milligrams, I take my reefer, I smoke my grass, I eat my grass, I take the pot, and then I zone out and I watch Netflix. I'm into the Queen's Gambit right now. I think you might really dig it. It's about chess, but it's not. Anyway, the point is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm petting the dog. I'm having a great night with Bitsy. I'm zoning out. I'm in there. I get up to take a piss. Yeaah, there's the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like freaking out, what the fuck, and then I, first thing I do, I go to the shower, clean the diarrhea off my foot, which is, I don't know if you've had dog shit, you have, there's nothing more repugnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I clean it up and then here I am, thank god I got that steam cleaner and I'm fucking steam cleaning and the smell of the dog shit I think is still in the carpet. It's still there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well because I mushed it in. When I stepped on it, I mushed the shit into the fiber.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't want to put him in with the cool guys. I don't because I said I like him. I'm attracted to his


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[Assistant] Appreciation. I don't think he's, he doesn't make, he doesn't creep me out.


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[Assistant] That's a cool guy. I like his sword collection.


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[Assistant] You know what I like when he goes, election? Selection. Like he threw in his own little saucy wording there, just to make it fun.


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[Assistant] I thought, I didn't, I don't know, I like his outfit, I like his beard, I think he's cute, I wish he'd, you know, cool a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, I like him in terms of leadership for these people. I think he's a strong leader.


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[Assistant] He wants God, so God's his homie, like his backup, and God will put the wrath on you. That's right. Oh shit, that's an Old Testament.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I am endlessly fascinated, in love with, and thrulled by dead paint.


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[Assistant] He is a masterful prank call.


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[Assistant] Is that what fart looks like? Did he use his own image? No. Oh. I can't wait to see what he looks like.


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[Assistant] I had no idea. Listen, how benevolent is my kink, by the way?


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[Assistant] I thought we were in a closed marriage. Are we now becoming Polly and Bi?


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[Assistant] Here's the thing though, the king is so sweet, like, I, I don't know, I think, I don't know if we'd be a good match because I think he's actually a sweeter guy than I am, you know what I mean? I'm, I'm not as like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emotional? I think he's more of a sweet cuddly guy.


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[Assistant] Like, oh, oh, right. That's a risky prank to knock on some dude's door. He's wearing the uh, like the borad.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean we suspect he did do some D-R-U-G-S's.


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[Assistant] I don't know why I assumed all our listeners were toddlers.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, I would go on a date with Tony Johns in a heartbeat. WHAT?! I am so amused by him. He's one of my favorite cool guys.


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[Assistant] I am, I'm endlessly amused by Tony Johns. I love him. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the designated water champ of your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guava flavor, it's my new favorite. And it is so hydrating. It's the same as drinking two to three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glasses of water. That's how hydrated I am and then I work out. That's what I'm talking about. And especially with this cold weather, you don't know if you're sweating or if you're dehydrated because you just don't feel it as much in the cold. So you gotta use your liquid IV. And here's how it works. Isn't this amazing?


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[Assistant] Just one stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water can give you as much hydration as two to three bottles of plain water. Here's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The optimal ratio of glucose, sodium and potassium delivers water and nutrients right into your bloodstream. What is that? It's called science. Try it. Liquid IV is available nationwide at Walmart in the beverage section.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you can get 25% off when you go to LiquidIV.com and use code MOM at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code MOM at LiquidIV.com. Get better hydration today at LiquidIV.com promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, never. I haven't had a shit privately in five years. And I have the whole audience. I've got the two year old, the four year old, the dog, like everybody comes in. Not me.


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[Assistant] He shit in his pants, took the pants off, and then mushed it on the windshield. But then when he walks around,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donald Duck in it the rest of the day because I'm sure he doesn't have an extra pair of pants in his car.


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[Assistant] And I, I think, just judging by the- I don't know. You don't want to get it traced back to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I would do. Here's what I would do. You have his social security. You have everything you need to really ruin this person's life. I'm saying there are memberships to Nambla that you can sign him up for. There's like sneakier, crazier shit you could do to get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here you need a homeless guy that's like schizophrenic and already talking to himself so that way he can't get pinned on you cause he could be like, who told you to go break that guy's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it going to be tip for tat? Like are we gonna put kaka on his windows? Are we gonna throw a bag of dog shit at him as he's walking down the street so that it's on his face and he smells it? That's what I would want to do is put the kaka on his face and like make him really smell it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get in so much trouble for that. I lean, I lean towards Kakao. Yeah, I make Kakao. If you do it, you just, it's different, so he doesn't, so he'll fucking be like, oh bitch, that's a six months ago, that's the bitch, I fucking shit on her windshield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, the only time I've really, I don't like when people make noise. I agree. Like, there was one woman that stood up and made a dolphin noise in the very front row during my act in Indianapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, just throw you, get out of here. And she wouldn't leave. And I had to sit down on the stool and wait for the guard to let her, like kick her out.


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[Assistant] Just don't make noise, unless you're completely hammered. Don't vomit in my showroom. Had that happen. So have I. I've had people fall asleep drunk. That's fine, but even that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on, so Tennessee, are you guys like, open? You're allowed to do shows and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they have a smell. Do they have a smell? Oh my god. I know, they always smell like garbage or exactly what he ate. His pee smells terrible this morning. It was like, do you even drink water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he'll smile at me and then I'll feel the warmth on my leg and he'll pee on me. And then the one time he did this in that shower piss, it smelled like somebody dumped just a pot of coffee in the shower. I was like, dude, did you even drink water? Like it was such a, it smelled just like freshly brewed coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell people how I grew, like I, how I grew up. My mom and I just had like a small shitty apartment. We lived in an apartment complex, right? Like a two bedroom apartment. And I told my friends this and they're like, that is so depressing. I'm like, it wasn't though because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't, you don't even realize what you don't have.


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[Assistant] Like being in a writers room and pitching bits and stuff. That'd be fun.


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[Assistant] I just referenced that before you got here. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, you don't have to understand chess. It's really not about chess. It's about this journey that this girl goes on through the game of chess. How it's changed her life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, I think it's good to be just average or slightly above average in like one or two things. And then even in the looks department, you don't want to be too good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My level of quote fame is the best because it literally, it is like the Postmates guy is like, Christina, your mom's house. I'll see you up in May. I'm coming up in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to have so many because I drink so much. Tom doesn't really believe in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's everything. Yeah. And I think you have a good point, cause this business...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It isn't just about being a performer. There is a business side to all of this. And it's so easy to get wrapped up in like, yeah, why don't I have that? And so and so and dudududu. And all that dudududu takes the joy out of why you got into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just to make fart jokes and like, and watch a person take a shit on a windshield and like that goofy person is the one who became a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not the business. And fun, yeaah. Not the stupid shit that makes it unfun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, like, us doing these YMH live shows, and I'm so glad for the, the Pandy, to quote Santino, uh, is because- Now does that taste like anything? It tastes like tuna. I had a tuna salad before. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on though, I'm trying to, trying to put things together. So he's like, come do, come give me a hand job in my shithole and just give you a beer. And a pack of smokes. Well, it's a good offer. Is it, is the depravity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hook. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, is some girl out there grimy enough to be like, yeah dog, I want to get dirty. Is that the idea?


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[Assistant] Colleen, at the time I was touring with my dog Fifo, who's no longer with us, she found a dog psychic to read Fifo, cause I had mentioned that Fif had anxiety, separation anxiety. Isn't that the sweetest thing? I mean, what woman does that?


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[Assistant] What, do you wanna know what she said? Yeaah. Okay, so she looked at FIFO deep into his eyes.


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[Assistant] Aww, I just thought about him this morning when I woke up.


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[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Linen. I love Brooklinen sheets. I sleep on them every night. I love the colors. I love the fabric. It's just beautiful, clean, simple cotton. Let me tell you something, guys. I've tried all the sheets.


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[Assistant] I bought the most expensive hotel brands and I bought the least expensive, the satiny ones. Those are all garbage. Brooklyn is where it's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklyn and has over 50,000 five star reviews and counting and is so confident in their product that all bedding comes with a lifetime warranty and they also have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Robes and other, uh, accessories, towels for your home. So don't wait. Do something nice for yourself. Go to brooklinnen.com. Use promo code mom to get 10% off your first order and free shipping. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Enter promo code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For 10% off your first order plus free shipping, brooklennan.com. Use promo code MOM at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I talk to people about why I love therapy and why it's absolutely changed my life, uhm, I would say in the last decade that I've been devoted to it, people are like, it's too expensive. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how much money did you spend on coffee this year? Or buying that ridiculous, uh, you know, pair of jeans that you needed or whatever. You could have spent that on your mental health. And your mental health, when you get that right, everything else falls in line and you're gonna make so much money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, therapy is imperative and with Talkspace,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can sign up online or download the app and start therapy the same day with a licensed therapist for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. Depending on the plan you choose, you can message and schedule live video sessions with your therapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll pay the same amount every month, so it's easy to budget. And that is huge, by the way. Uh, being able to have same day access to your therapist 24-7. They'll engage with you daily, five days a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talkspace covers over 40 million people for online therapy through their insurance or employer and they have a great network of therapists to choose from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking to my friends is so different from talking to a licensed therapist who has the expertise and knowledge to give me practical guidance. Talkspace gives us the support we need at an affordable price. As a listener of this podcast, you get $100 off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your first month with Talkspace to match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com or download the app. Make sure you use the promo code yourmom to get a hundred dollars off your first month and show your support for the show. That's yourmom and Talkspace.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva Mattress Company. You have heard Tom and I talk about Satva Mattress Company for years, and people are like, is it true? Do you really sleep on a Satva mattress? I do! We do!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We sleep on the Solair right now, which is a fantastic, comfortable, beautiful plush bed that allows you to go up and down. It even vibrates and it has a light so that you don't stumble when you get up in the middle of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they'll take away your old mattress. It really is just a win-win with Sotva. And we love the Solaire so much that Sotva gave us our own URL. It is sotva.com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you purchase your next Saatva mattress, you will get $225 off if you go to saatva.com slash the shit. When you buy your next mattress, tell them your mom's house sent you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, welcome to YMH, my jeans above 18, my vegan vaginas. We are here on the Trans Canada Highway. I am only one mommy with one jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you can see, my, uh, the genes of my life, the, the, the, the, the loins of my fire, my loins, he is still, he's in the, um, in a recovery center right now and will be joining us shortly after he's done doing his PT, physical therapy, an OT, which is, I don't know, overtime is what they do, right? You bill it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are here, we're queer, I'm non-binary, and it's been a while, I don't know, when did the accident happen now?


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[Assistant] So yea, Tom is at a recovery place, and we're gonna prop him up with pillows, and we set him up on Zoom, and he'll be able to watch clips and chime in on this stuff, but you know, Tom's on a lot of drugs right now, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. My husband's the best, that's why I made babies with him. He's a champ, and he's a goddamn fighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, it's been, it's been a nutty two weeks, I'm not gonna lie. I did, uhm, by the time this airs, they will have seen the episode I did with Burt for Two Bears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And cameras rolled and I just started crying immediately because I hadn't seen Burt since the accident happened and it was so emotional to go through it. I mean, right? I mean, how have you guys been? I haven't even talked to you really. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I see that bird is calling, and immediately I go, oh, he wants me to chime in on some horse shit, like, huuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I was like, I'm not answering this horseshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Tom calls in just as I'm peeing. And thank god I was on the toilet for some reason cause it was like oddly soothing that I was doing something else at the same time. Like, oh I'm pissing. And he's like, babe, everything's okay. I'm in an ambulance. Like, those two sentences do not go together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well because I wasn't sure, well they'll talk about it all on Two Bears Live. Right.


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[Assistant] We got fired, uh, from McDonald's. We lost two and a half million dollars. We turned around, we fucking made it into comedy gold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first YMH live fires. We came back, and this is how we prevail at YMH Studios. We turn tragedies into fucking comedies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fire it up, man! You know what? But I'll tell you what, man, cause people are like, Christina, how are you doing? Are you gonna be okay? I'm like, you know what? You know what? 2020's been such a cocksuck. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I am strong Eastern European woman. This shit does not fucking phase me, okay? I take care of everything. You see I'm here now, I take care of fucking everything. Fuck you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let's get to it though before Tommy gets here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I never get to open the show. Tom always- that's his responsibility. Historically, Tom has always had the laptop. Uhm, okay. So, I get to fucking say it. Let's go ahead and get into the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, it has been weird without him in the house now for the last two weeks. I'll tell you that I've been sleeping really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, not in the beginning, because I was traumatized, but now, like I, I fall asleep and I'm not listening to sounds of people being murdered or like drug cartel shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've been watching The Crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first episode's not so good. And then it gets way better. Confirmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I don't have anybody there to tell me how ridiculous that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, breaking news you guys. Yep. So in the midst of all this drama, some of you may have seen on my Instagram account, at the Christina P. Oh yea. That, so I'm in the hospital with Tom. And it's the day he's going to check out and go to this recovery center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, uh, ordered us a beautiful sushi lunch. Very expensive one. I was like, you know, we should treat ourselves right today, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can like, you feel it in your skull when you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's way yellower than the rest. Yea, it looks like a corn. A piece of corn. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So I had to get my tooth glued back in. Thankfully the doctor agreed to do it right away. And then I went back to the hospital and helped Tom get out of that. It was, it was wild, dude. What a way. What a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard a story once where Steve Harvey was somewhere on the road and he'd been into a chicken wing and it popped off and he got on a plane immediately and went home to have it fixed. Like this is my worst nightmare is that I'm in some small town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what I'm saying, like, what would I have done? I mean, I shoved the tooth right back in when it happened, and believe it or not, it stayed in on its own pretty well. Like, I couldn't really talk. But, I don't know, man. I mean, what's your worst fear? Is it knocking at a tooth? Is it falling down and cracking your head open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, I tell you, those trampolines are just death toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are so fucking dangerous. I'm never getting one from my kids. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me, tell me what you were gonna do. First of all, when's the last time, okay, before this appointment, when's the last time you had your teeth looked at x-rays the full ever in your life? You're, you're a 30 year old now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well you do that, you're supposed to do that every, like when the dynasties fit, maybe every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you are, you're making so many girls wet right now with this kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just tell you what, we will find a time for you at Studio Jeans. The studio will go dark for a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The high number is bad because it means you're in gum disease. So like four, four is red alert. Five is like, you're, you're gonna die. So look, I don't have ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, this is so gnarly. And you smoke cigarettes. That mouth is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fine. Well, I will say that when I smoked cigarettes, I actually enjoyed the smell of another person's cigarette breath. I liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really, that's a lot of restraint. Yeah. And what's your other body regimens like? Do you, uh, are you showering every day and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, I appreciate it. And then what's your weekend like? Is it just off the rails? Are you not brushing your teeth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, by that you mean, so you wake up and it's no teeth rush, it's straight to coffee? Yea. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're like, I'm into stocks. I'm like, that's so dewy of you. Yeah. And we were sitting around having a great lunch time. I'm sorry to cut you off. No, no, no, please. I just imagine it's disgusting and like, I get it. You just probably don't wash your cock and balls or your asshole for two days, right? Here's the thing. And then you shit a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, so I had this, we were discussing, we have these great lunchtime discussions. What's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You come. You come Mike. Mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my husband speaks fluent Spanish and I took it in high school, but I need


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Help refreshing. So I've been using Babel and it's great to do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I don't like to be on social media and wasting my time. I love getting on my phone when I have a few minutes and actually improving myself and learning Spanish right now with Babbel has been so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy. The way they teach you, it just takes 10 to 15 minute lessons, right? It gets you speaking your new language within weeks. You start with words and phrases and then the sentences gradually get more complex and soon you're practicing short conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speak the language you've always wanted to with Babbel. And right now, Babbel is offering our listeners three months free with a purchase of a three month subscription with promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit Babbel.com and use promo code Mom on your three month subscription. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com to use promo code Mom. Babbel. Language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about you, but for me, food is basically a vehicle to put sauce on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now with truff, I am so excited to eat anything. I put truff on all my stuff. It really is, it's a luxury hot sauce that comes in like the most beautiful packaging. It's a luxury hot sauce that makes every meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Each bottle ships pristinely packaged and ready to gift, topped with truffs, eye-catching black diamond shaped lid hinting at the truffle infused treasure inside. It's so unique. It really is such a great, uh, gift. It's so luxurious. Excuse me. And it just feels like you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See for yourself why truff is the biggest hot sauce on Instagram and Tik Tok. Hello. Get 10% off site wide when you use promo code mom at truff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 10% off everything, including white truff VIP box and truff variety pack. Just in time for the holidays. Just shop at truff.com. That's T R U F F F as in fantastic.com and use promo code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] OMG jeans, the moment is finally here. My beloved, your mommy, the two mommies that make up one jeans, Tom Segura is finally with us via Zoom. You're here!


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[Assistant] Well, I think people don't believe you because the extent of the damage done, uhm, it's freakish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, are we allowed to say what the prognosis is? Like how long before you'll be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right now you have limited hand abilities, is what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what, is he going, I didn't, I didn't read his tweets, he's going around saying that he's amazing or something? He was-


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[Assistant] You also, since the accident happened, we've come a long way with your ability


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[Assistant] To pee into containers, since you've pretty much been bedridden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Are you saying that you will continue to piss into plastic containers at home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Anna, I was a little upset in the beginning when I saw the nurses at this facility because they are all stunning. And I specifically-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I requested ugly nurses. When I checked you in there, I said, yes, he can come here, but I want the least attractive people helping my husband. And they didn't do that. They're all hot Russian babes. They're all babes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh. So you're saying the, cause you've been on a, just a huge variety of drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, so the heavy stuff made your dick fluffier and harder? This is my theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you've also, because of the crazy amount of opiates you've been on, have had trouble browning. So they were packing you full. I know. And that was a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember when I was in the hospital with you, we were chatting about the kids or whatever, and you would be like, how's Alice? And then they'd give you the, the Dilaudid, and then you would just nod off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So that really breaks down that hot stuff, huh? I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wow. I mean, you've been through so much in the last two weeks and we're still, I mean, thankfully there's some light at the end of this tunnel now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what athletes, that's what happened to athletes. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, most definitely. And it wasn't from fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and, and when this all happened, I have to give the Kreischers the utmost credit. The best. They're the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean these are people that just want to help you. People who go into nursing, into medicine and stuff. They're not like us where we just want to horrify people. And especially you, you like to ruin people's day. That gives you the joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was amazing, Tommy. I am so proud of you right now. That was so perfect. I wish I could do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody here, thank you guys. I mean, we've all been keeping Studio Jeans afloat. Nadav, Annie, Chris, ugh, Zolo, all these dudes. Uh, it's just been a collective effort to keep the ship moving. But, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but yeaah, it was great to have the Christers over at the house the first night when things were going down because I was just out of my head. I couldn't even believe what had happened and I was not equipped emotionally. So thank God for those two, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but in uhm, I've had my own interesting developments too. Uhm, I had a recent dental tragedy which we discussed earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was terrible, and I'm mad that I didn't get to finish that lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, I'll tell you what I did, I, wait, oh my god!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are the stitches. Can you show them the underbelly? The underarm? If it doesn't hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is uh, recovered a little bit. I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, also, I had another interesting thing happen, just to lighten everybody's mood. I know so many of you listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're deeply engrossed in my cream of wheat story and how I ate cream of wheat and then shortly had explosive diarrhea after and a lot of you thought that it was the fact that it was a warm bowl of cream of wheat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So the other day, um, Juju, he had a bowl of crema wheat. He had, he didn't finish it. It was cold. And I thought, oh, maybe it is the temperature. Let me eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a scientific experimental breakthrough thought and I, so I ate the cream of wheat cold and I thought surely, surely this won't affect me. And then guess what? Tom, half hour later, explosive diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess cream of wheat just gives me diarrhea. So if I'm ever in a situation you are in where I'm taking opiates for a week straight and I can't shit, give me a bowl of cream of wheat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say that the worst part as an outsider of this whole debacle for you, seriously, and I'm being 100% serious, the thing that gives me the most anxiety,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Begrudgingly. Yeah, yeah. Uuuh, I guess so.


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[Assistant] Well, you're in a lovely facility now and you look so much better than you did a week ago, even three days ago, right? And the dog was shaking his head. Yea, you've seen him this whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Tom, I mean, I think the audience and a lot of emails have come into the effect of the irony here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, do you wanna see your husband get fuckin' almost killed? I'm like, nah, that's cool bro. Okay, a little bit. And then I stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause I thought his head got hit by the propeller.


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[Assistant] Man, can I tell you something, Tommy? For people listening, Tom and I have been so enthralled with the King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole week, literally every text, every morning I wake up and I go, good morning my king above 18. And then Tom replies, have you had your hot breakfast? Are you gonna study for your midterms? Like we are now in the king's world. We're so enmeshed into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really are hydrating like a maniac. Are you okay? That's like the third beverage you've finished. You did the blue drink, you had a purple straw drink. This is your third beverage. What are you drinking now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you really are the hydration champ on this episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm just pointing it out, you really are thirsty today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for you. 2021 couldn't get here fast enough and my new year's resolution is to eat healthier. And this year I'm doing that with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Butcher Box. Butcher Box is the meat delivery subscription that gives


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me more time for what matters most. I don't have time to go to the grocery store and I find that even when I shop at like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Packed fresh and shipped frozen and vacuum sealed so it stays that way. I can customize my box or go with one of theirs. Either way, I get exactly what I want. And right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get two pounds of salmon absolutely free with your first box. Just go to butcherbox.com slash mom. That's butcherbox.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling stories, it feels like you're a human being again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I love Solo Stove. Uhm, it's such an easy product that comes to your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, designed to regulate airflow and burn more efficiently. There's no campfire smell on your clothes or hair. God knows that's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, solo stove products are portable and built to last. It's really great if you have kids and you guys go camping or even if you want to camp in your own backyard. It's an easier way to build a fire. No one needs a reason to gather around the fire. Solo stove just took away any reason not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you can get $10 off when you use promo code mom at checkout. Just go to solo stove.com and remember you get $10 off when you use promo code mom. Okay. Here's the king. Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much. Well, it's, it is so, uh, the process is not easy for somebody, cause like, first of all, you have to email him personally, at gmail.com, whatever, and then specify what you want, the sizes, and then find him on Venmo, right? I don't have fucking Venmo. I gotta set up a Venmo account. It's like, bitch, I want the shirt, but you're making it a little hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. So this talk is of the king and


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[Assistant] What Tom and I, I think both really enjoy about this is the POV style to it, where he's imagining, imagine, so close your eyes if you're listening, imagine that you're laying in bed, you've just had a wild night of lovemaking with the king, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a great night's sleep and you're just opening your eyes and you see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like tha- I like that one better than the challenge videos, in a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but what I was saying is that I like that POV video because it shows a more tender side to the king. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he's, he takes it a step further in the talk world. Like he's acting now. We get to see him at his best when he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think you and I were discussing this yesterday in the hotel that it bothers us, it's funny because it's like, it's not a direct thing. It's not, he's not saying what he really wants. Right, Tom? That guy needs to do is exactly what he's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is, it is, it's creepy because...


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[Assistant] I agree, not this whole thing of, dude, you got some breakfast, open your eyes, sweetie. Like, he pretending that he's your boyfriend and your husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Well, let's say this, in a COVID free world, King, let's say it's, you know, summer of 2021, where will we go? Will you take me to the Olive Garden? I like the salad and the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think when you get a role in a movie that you will ask him for coaching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a skill set. So Tom, I asked the audience to submit their AMA, ask mommies anything questions. Are you up for answering a few of these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's just do a couple and then if you're up for it, some talks too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm excited. Uhm, the first question is how did you two find out you were so collectively fucked up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, for sure. I think Tom and I have a real shared love of stuff that sucks. Like we, we, we acknowledge what sucks similarly, if that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how about this one? What was the biggest obstacle or hardest time in YMH's lifetime?


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[Assistant] I think we're kind of in it now! This is definitely one of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was tough. I think one of the harder times for me performing on the show during hard times, uhm, you know, like my mom died in 2015 and that's hard too when you have personal stuff going on. Much like you right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but we've always made this show a priority.


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[Assistant] Medical, I mean, even look, in the midst of a medical drama, we still found a way to do the show. It's always been a priority. I remember one time I was working on a TBS show and I had to live in a hotel for like a month and a half and you brought the soundboard over to our hotel room and we recorded YMH from my hotel room and I was working 12 hour days on the show and we would still


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find time to do YMH. The show's always been our priority.


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[Assistant] No, never. We've always covered our asses on the show front and been consistent, definitely. Uhm, Christina, when will you eat Tom's scrum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. This is an interesting one.


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[Assistant] I mean, the jeans is everything, right? Do we have that clip from, yeah, let's show this.


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[Assistant] Jeans is what the show is based on. Jeans is like the premise of Star Wars. It's the Force.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Piss spots, episode 2. That's a lot of piss, Tom.


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[Assistant] Good, talks are life, you guys. Okay, this one, I have to say, really captured my heart and my imagination. Go ahead and just let it roll.


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[Assistant] Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you out of your fucking mind?


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[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Because I didn't wanna, I mean, I wanted to protect that individual. I felt so bad for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, if you're putting your phone number on the web, you've got some screws loose, right? I mean, our PC doing his-


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[Assistant] But apparently it's no biggie, cause that guy's been putting his address out, rubber pole champagne for years, and Pesami beat me, and he's been fine, so gosh, I don't know. Okay, which one's this one? This one's for you, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been finding these drug cartel talks lately. It's a whole new lane for me. It's been pretty wild. And I, I hope I ask you to translate a lot of them, because I understand what's going on. Alright, that was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, so a lot of- huge burgeoning of TikTok late is in the prison talk world. I mean, I have added so many new prison talk accounts and I'm sure the authorities are not happy about this because the prisoners are not supposed to be making talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And most of them, frankly, are kind of boring. I don't think these guys know yet what a good talk is. So when you find a good one, it's pretty rare. So, go ahead. This is how you customize your present gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I thought that was pretty creative. Uhm, it's good that when a thug can sew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another present talk. This gentleman's rigged up his whole kitchen system here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, he had a bag of Folgers boiling. It looked like he was sinking in his toilet. He took the trash bin, put the water in that, put the Folgers bag in, and then somehow got a wire


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does he not electrocute himself? And then there it is, it's in the sink, and then there's some kind of wire going up to the light fixture, and that's the electrical source. I mean, it's just so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm so glad we got to watch some talks together. I feel like- That was great. I feel like the family is all together again. Yeah. I can't wait to get back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we miss you so much, Jeans, and I'm just so happy to see you, even if it's just on Zoom. And, uh, I hope you have a great day, have your breakfast, do great on your midterms, and stay well, my King Above 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dudes, listen up. Did you know that 66% of men start losing their hair by age 35? And once you've noticed thinning hair, it can be too late. Is that hairline slowly starting to move backwards? Uh oh, do you have bald spots yet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, poor Tommy, he has the same problem and I really wish we had HIMS back then because it really is a one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. ForHIMS.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hims is helping guys be the best version of themselves with licensed medical providers and FDA approved products to help treat hair loss. No snake oil, pills or gas station counter supplements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prescription solutions backed by science. HIMSS was created by a guy who knows some men's health conversations are easier online than in person. I think this is just such a fantastic thing, guys. I know you guys are, you know, not supposed to talk about this stuff, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just take care of yourself today. Hims is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with your results after 90 days, Hims will give you a full refund. And right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to 4himms.com slash mom. That's 4himms.com slash mom. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember that's 4himms.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, that was so good to talk to Tommy, wasn't it? It feels like we're all together again. Even though he's in his little rehab hotel and pissing in jugs as he's talking to us. It's nice to see him. And how proficient he was. I didn't even know that he was pissing and talking to us. Did you notice that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. This is baby Josh Zolo. I'm sure you guys know who he is, but not. Are you like, you're 21 now, which is amazing. I'm 21, yea. You're so cute. What year were you born?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like everybody, in the wintertime, my legs get very dry and very ashy. Like I get like leg dandruff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so gross, like I'll get out of the shower, I'll barely wipe myself down as you guys know, but the other day I got out of the shower and I was like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can put lotion on my skin.


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[Assistant] Like, I fuckin', I can't believe it took 44 years for me to realize I can put lotion on my legs, not just on my face.


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[Assistant] That's so stupid. And like, I know girls do that, so, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life changing, and especially with boys, I feel as though nobody educates boys on, hey, wash your face. Like, did anyone tell you that, that there are products for facial cleansing? Not really, I mean, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it either. And can I tell you, it annoys me as a woman where I get on the gram and then I see these girls like, I'm wearing a face mask, I'm so ugly right now. And you're like, no you're not, you're just wearing a face mask, fucking relax. You know? It's obnoxious.


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[Assistant] I don't like it either, but I do agree with you that a man doing a face mask, especially if it's like a colored one, like a green or a blue, it's queer as fuck and I'm not, I'm not having it, yeah. Yeah. Like if Tom started to do that, I would seriously question if he was blowing guys in the parking lot. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what about you, Nadav? You mentioned you had a Pajitski effect.


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[Assistant] And then you never go back to doing it. And I accumulate like a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I think that is a level of hoarding when you have to make pathways, they call it, or where you have to, uhm, walk- do walk around certain objects, that- that is considered- Man, I feel like I'm giving away way too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because Tom made me realize that I can throw things away as well. My mother trained me to hold onto everything growing up. Same here. Yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the worst incident is when I grew up on a couch about this size, one of the couches we had, and it was different colored patches of velour. It was like a very late 70s, 80s couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my mother, it was like her pride and joy, and she would cover it with a sheet. In the summertime, actually, always, I never actually sat on the fabric, right? You have to cover everything, you save it! And she would tell me, I'm saving it for when you go to college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, this is fucking crazy, and I never laid on furniture, and I would lay on the sheets all the time, and then by the time I went to college, she kept the couch in the garage, and the garage flooded, and it ruined the couch, and I remember at the time being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bitch, you can't keep a couch for like 25 years. And pa- you don't do that with furniture anymore. Maybe back in the olden days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I started dating Tom, I would cover my couch. I covered it with blankets not with sheets. And he'd come over and he's like, why is this covered in blankets? I'm like, because you have to save your couch for another day. And he's like, no dude, you can just use the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are like, shoes, nice shoes or nice things that I own? I'm like, I can't wear that today. Like, well, yea you can, cause when are you gonna fucking wear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember this as a little kid. Open the barnyard, kick out the hay. You used to sing this on the schoolyard. That must be what they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At sea school, oh catholic school. Yeaah. I mean it's a nice rhyme, you don't like music, you don't like joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the flag. Michael Jackson is a fag. Pepsi Cola burned him up, now he's drinking 7up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Conti's the good word. I agree. And also too, I think they love to throw terms around so that you feel kind of stupid. You know what I mean? Like, for instance, she's, sorry, they say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in a same-sex relationship, and I'm also transgender. Like, wait a minute, dude. You're in a- Okay, hold on. Like, I'm fucking th-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's like annoying. It's just like one of those people that, remember when like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be, absolutely. Uh, but I just thought that was a nice little cautionary tale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's, she's wilding out, cause she's, she's high as fuck. She's confronting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what? Yeah! Like that is so crazy talk. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. So wait, set this up again, Annie? Hold on. What happened here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, oh there's my king again. Alright. Well Annie, I'm glad you didn't get arrested. And I'm glad that you got someone to video it for you. That's a good safeguard, my gosh. Alright, couple more talks and we'll go have lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, some of these talks that I've been curating now, I wonder if I should just hand them to the police, because there's a lot of shit, like there are like cock fights that I've found. I saw you post that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really disturbing. And there was one I saw where they even showed them putting like the nails into the chickens. I'm like, I can't even post that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wah, wah, wah, wah. Yeah, gums and then the nose is from alcoholism, I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just thought that was informative. I mean, doing math sounds terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right. You're right. The cars being that and the paranoia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so rad. I have to say though, I thought at first these were jars full of urine. And then he just put toys in them. Because they don't look like snow globes at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gotta put this, he's gotta put this on Etsy, he can make a killing. I swear I would buy these from him just to bring, you know, give him some income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, why even write the note? And that saw we with W's and the- it's- it's even more insulting than just not doing anything. What a cunt. I feel like it's- Yeah, it's a shit bird move. Just fucking do nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead and leave him a picture of your boobs. Be nicer. Do the challenge. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was this one now? Oh, this one's, this guy's fuckin' rad. This is another drug one. It's a meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you're so right, like she's like, oh Jim, you and your shenanigans again. Play it again. You're right, cause she's way too calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it. I say collect your menstrual blood and put it in your blood bag. Why don't I just do real blood? Yea, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A girl crazy enough to wear a blood bag around her neck. I feel like you of all people would be intrigued and be like, that chick's wild. Like that chick's gonna do crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't? Okay, okay, but she's your dream girl. She's like wife material and she's like, listen, I love you. I blow you like five times a day. I do all the shit you want sexually, but I have to wear this blood bag around my neck when I meet your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nizov, super hot. I mean, she's a- perfect. She's perfect. No. In the blood bag? Okay, what if it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just likes it. She's a fashionista, and she's like, I'm gonna start wearing blood bags, everyone else is gonna do it, are you on board, or are you gonna be square and not let me wear my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you still, but she, you're not even involved in the blood bag. Like, she just, she puts it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is because we had a video of someone with a fetish for bug squashing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm finding out about you? What am I finding out? Okay, okay, listen, listen. You're three months in. Uh huh. You said the I love you. She, sex is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you know what babe? I mean, she's great. She's everything you want, Nadav. And she's in bed with you one night and she's like, Nadav, I love you so much. Gosh, you're just so amazing. But I have to tell you, our sex life is amazing, but I want to take it to the next level. I want you


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[Assistant] I just think that you, you know, nobody's perfect and we all have these things and like- I agree.


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[Assistant] You can't disqualify someone just on something so tiny like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's gonna harm me, that's gonna kill me in the long run, I'll bleed to death. I'll lose my thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blood bag is just like, it's a weird aesthetic choice that she makes, and that's cosmetic. It's like someone wearing lame, lame jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was with a guy for four years who wore a fucking black velvet dress and makeup and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've never dated somebody that did something aesthetically that you were kinda like, that's a choice, and you just let it go. You just go like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but anywhoodles, thank you so much for tuning in, we love you, and, uh, go ahead and, uh, I'm coming up in May. Alright. High and tight. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A nomadic people. Home to all who have no home. Who wish to be nomads. Be 1% blood or 100% blood. Because if you search your heart, you know it's true. All people stem from one people in this land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who am I? I'm Umbra Inarena Carus, long lost son, descendant of the Children of the Wind, the Chichi Mekka, a nomadic people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been all been told to seek our elders, but we have no elders. And to reclaim our wisdom. But how can we reclaim our wisdom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a list, yea, they topped my list. Uh, Deandre Hopkins would be the asshole I'd eat the most. Can we see Deandre Hopkins, folks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he is so in, he is so, you gotta get him off field clothes. Because he like, this is a guy that buys purses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like for his dog and shit, like he has like, he dresses like Paris Hilton. Yeah. When he's out in the streets. Let's see him on street clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know he's got dreads and shit, but I'm telling you, that shit is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just his dick. And, uh, I was like, nah, that's my dick, dude. And then he blocked me. For that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, yes, I would love to do a video, um, using neo pronouns for those of you who want to use them. And then this is also a great video for everyone to watch because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot of us have heard people use neo pronouns in context, so this is just a good one to hear what it sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are like millions of options for neopronouns. A lot of people even like make up their own ones. I'm just gonna do some of the popular ones. Thank you. We'll start with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, it would really like a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. If you have not been investing in sleeping on an amazing mattress, this is your opportunity. There's no reason you should be sleeping on anything less


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get any of these with a $225 credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to satva.com, s-a-a-t-v-a dot com slash the shit. You start with $225 off any mattress of your choice just by going to that URL, satva, s-a-a-t-v-a dot com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why is it titty titty titty titty? And someone will be like, you're mishearing that. He's not saying that. There's no way. Yeah. Yeah. And that was awesome. Mark Grebier. Grebier. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jam's hard, man. No, never not jammin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited, I'm ready, I'm going to... Flo Rida, and then Fartniks, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it called? Oh, Choma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nebraska, I saw that suggestion. Uhm, and then, Sexington, Kentucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are all coming up. Brea, uhm, a bunch of these are, uhm, are on the books. Just take a look. And then, yeaah, I'm super excited that I'll announce a tour in the fall if everybody gets their vaccine. Oh my god. Uh, I'll be able to, uh, tour in the fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited to get back on the road. It's been too long. We're coming up on a year. You betcha I'm coming up in May. You bet I'm coming up in May. You bet I am. Show me where it spits on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. We're back with Tom Talks. We're doing it twice a month right now. We'll see. And then I'm, I want to get, uh, Tom Segura in Espanol back, um, shortly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm doing the big game, they call it, the big game, February 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know, Bert Kreischer, myself, and Bruce Kreischer, myself, and Warren Sapp are gonna livestream a companion show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the, uhm, big game. Sunday, February 7th, 3pm Pacific, 6 Eastern. We're shooting content, we're watching the game, and we're talking through it, and it's gonna be a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think a lot of people who are not into football still want to have a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thanks. I do feel better. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're back. I'm hard like 24-7. Is that right? Yeah. I'm never not hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially the enemas. I was like, ooh, finally some anal stimulation. Yeah. It was very erotic when I couldn't shit. I was like, I'm so turned on that I can't shit right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's interesting. I like that he has the logic of, uh, the guy who goes, why can't I just say the n-word? It's the exact same, like, thought process, where he's like, why not, here's the thing though, I'm a good guy, why not, I'll put a swastika on my business,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this argument is strong and it's gonna carry you a long way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tika, the tika right there. The swastika.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a result of World War II and the Holocaust, many people strongly associate it with Nazism. That's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That little footnote that my man here seems to think he can just overcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, swasanticas, uh, meaning conducive to well-being. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really is. Guy is a total knucklehead. And so is Gerbils, and so is Himmler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I call them? What? Rebel Rousers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, how he can watch another Hitler Doc is the one that gets me, where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's 73 and I'm home for, I don't know, visiting them and you walk through and you're like, Hitler, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know all these other docs? You never see Hitler's eyes. They really pop with the color correction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. They read them for you. I think it's because all that stuff happened like when they were born or right before they were born. Yeaah. You know what I mean? It affected their lives. Yeaah, they're like, why did my life suck? Oh, I want to read the story.


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[Assistant] A pandy that last one was 102 years ago. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My smell's not back. Mine either. Yeah. It's been a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you when I appreciated it. I appreciated it the other day, when, uh, Bitsy shit on the stairs. And normally I would have been like, ugh, and it didn't smell a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, he was, he was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if you want to see, this is the clip that uhm, my mother called me. I had done this interview a year before they posted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So I did it, they didn't post it on, I mean I guess they used it on their own platform. They didn't put it on YouTube for like a year. And my mom said that she was on YouTube and because they have searched me before it'll suggest. You know? So it was, she was like, oh, Tommy's on Larry King. So she pulls it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watches it. She calls me crying. Crying. She goes, you hurt me so bad. And I was like, what did I say? Cause I thought I was like, Oh, my mom's some dumb ass or something. You know, I thought I said something super insulting to her. I'm like, why? She goes, and it was, this is what made her cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that made my mother fall. That was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't think of what I don't like to eat. He was like, what's your food? Cause he doesn't like eggs. I was like, you don't like eggs? He doesn't like eggs. But I couldn't think of olives, which is what I hate. But I said oysters, which I don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, anyways, Larry King really was, I mean, it was a trip for me to be on that show because when I grew up, he was on CNN for 25 years. So my entire childhood, high school, college, you put on CNN, CNN used to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pop culture people, politicians, and so he really was a fixture. I remember getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, like, the publicist call, like, do you wanna do Larry King? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they just happened in the moment, like the Wahlberg thing, we've heard tons of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. Uhm, and so that, you know, made sense. And the Saka Sufle, he just misheard me. I mean, it was just funny that he said, you know, I said Saka Sufle, he's like, Saka Sufle? Like, it was just one of those things where he just didn't hear me well, you know? Saka Sufle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, uhm, he really is a legend, so big, big shout out.


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[Assistant] I was like, how much did you smoke? 7 packs a day at one point. He did? Oh wow. Then he was rocking 3 packs a day for a good minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That voice is a smoker's voice. But he quit like 40, 50 years ago. Good for him. Well, not anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 80 something, 86 or something like that. Yeaah. He was up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, the villages or the, the, some piece of heaven's a really interesting dock because, so the villages was originally built, uh, for like 800 residents. And now there's 120,000. And it's just basically, they, they bill it as Disneyland for retirees. And they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, retirees, and you get this sense that they're telling people, like they even open the doc with, you can't say you're bored, you can't say you're not having fun. Right? That's the big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinking about and feeling is just how sad loneliness is. Like especially at the end, like when, cause there's people that are lonely on that thing. And it actually real, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like a, just like a bummer doc, but you just, you really get to dive into these people's lives. And the one, uh, playboy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, so this guy was like a bachelor his whole life and he's 81 now and he's living in a van and he's just targeting wealthy older women but he's like a hustler, he's hustling them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's really down and out at one point. And it's really sad, cause no one will...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you realize he's out of options and then he goes and he, I mean I'm giving away, sorry, like details here, but he goes and he sees like a lady that he clearly had passed with and he's like, are you going to let me stay with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she says yes, she's 30 years younger than him or something, 20 years younger than him. He says yes. And then you see him bummed out that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His bachelor persona has the brakes put on it. Like, you see him like, the life leaving it, cause he's like, going along, she's like, well I'm gonna go to the grocery store, and he's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hates it. He hates it. So you see him, he was really sad when he was trying to find someone, but that was his personality, like, to go from like gig to gig, but then when he gets the gig, he's like, mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was really, uh, that, that's what I like cause you, you know, you just see old people and sometimes you're like, well, they're just old. They're content to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, lunch and like a place to stay. But when you watch this doc and they really profile these different people, you're like, oh, it's, it's exactly the same as a middle-aged or 30 year old. It's like the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this has nothing to do with what we were talking about. You're banging young dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I did have, you know, the sketch where we end up doing it together. Uhm, you play, uh, the kind of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The abusive girlfriend. Yeah, you're the abusive, uhm, thankless, spoiled girlfriend. Yeah. And so, I kinda lose it on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Originally, it was that we go on a date and you make fun of my car. And so in the car, when I snap, I take your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You accidentally die. And a guy watched it and Lindsay said it was too aggressive and too violent and he thought that people might react poorly to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's after I made it better. He still said that, people said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, then I turned it into what we shot, which was throwing the rock from my rock collection at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that the casting people were like, we can't send this to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also made another comment. You said that, that no normal woman would tolerate me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm there now. I'm there now. I'm totally there now. Now I see what they were looking at. You're so nasty. You fart all day. All you do is fart. You talk about farts. You shit. You talk about shits. I'm over it. I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wasn't a good start. That's not a good start. I asked you for lady-like behavior and you told me to go fuck myself. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause ultimately I think women are bigger pigs. Like, the big, you know, the mainstream media will have you believe that men are pigs. But if you go on a Q site, you'll find out that it's actually women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Brooklinen. Some mornings you wake up feeling ready to just kind of pull the covers back over your head and go back to sleep. No judgment, of course. Let's make having the most comfortable sheets the reason why. Don't love your sheets? Brooklinen has you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Brooklyn was started by Rich and Vicki who also tried to find beautiful home essentials that didn't cost an arm and a leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when they couldn't, they founded Brooklinen as the first direct to consumer betting company. They work directly with manufacturers to make luxury available directly to you without the luxury level markups. That's what I'm talking about. They have over 50,000 five-star reviews and counting. It's 2021. Do something nice for yourself to start the new year to help you do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklinen has a special offer. Go to Brooklinen.com, use the promo code MOM to get $25 off when you spend $100 or more plus free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Enter promo code MOM to get $25 off when you spend $100 or more, plus free shipping, brooklyn.com, and use promo code MOM at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I was working on converting to the one side, and now I'm going back to one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Swazantica is definitely correct. Definitely correct. Uhm, Native, what's the, uh, am I supposed to open this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't want to see him die again. That's surprising to hear. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm listening right now. I'm really thrilled. Thank you for opening that on the air. Uhm, okay. I'm getting there. It's really, really wrapped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for you man. You know a lot of people don't go, let's do something about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like you're going to go revisit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. So this was sent in by Anthony, what is it? Miss Yano? His IG is Howdy Anthony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the 20th, on inauguration day, I happened to open my Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was tagged like I had just put out a special. Me too, I was nervous. It was 99 plus, I was like, what? And all these stories, and it was like hundreds of stories where I tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, and it was all of you, uh, notifying me that Garth was singing at the inauguration, um, it really was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, before he did the inauguration song where he sang, um, Amazing Grace, I believe. He, uh, he did pre-inauguration interview about it, you know. Here's some of the stuff from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had to say that over and over and over again because his fans were like, why are you singing at the stolen inauguration? And if you went to his page that day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, it was the first time you saw even more people, like usually it's just YMH comments, and it was people that were like, I'm done with you, you lost a fan for like, because he was singing at the inauguration of the stolen collection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, people were talking about, he's got some great hair plugs apparently. So, on the left, on the left, he might just have the sprinkle juice in there, cause they'll, you know, that looks kinda like, like yeaah. So this happened to me the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Six, seven years ago, it was like a TV show or something I was doing. They're like, oh, you want us to, and it's, it's like, um, like a pepper shaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like when you're, like now I'm bald here, but when it was like thinning, and you still have darker hair, they just put it in, it's like a pepper shaker, and it fills in the gaps, you know? So you can see them on the right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2016. So it's either he got some fresh pepper or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or he's had the hair restoration, which, you know, they do a great job now. Like people, hair restoration, I've seen amazing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brian Erlacher, Dion, like they have incredible hair. Uhm, so there he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if I should hit him up, like, through back channels to find out who did his hair. Cause we have a similar build, and a similar face, and similar hair. Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How he did it, yeaah. So, let's see, Elon Musk, extraordinary accomplishments, let's see, his balding, okay, Elon used to change his hair, okay, scroll down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of hair did Elon use? Okay, the big question has to do with what exactly, to bring that back, like many magnets, da da da da, to bring us to the analysis, hair loss medication. Okay, so there's, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who I heard talking about? Like, I don't know who he referred to in it, but the owner of the 76ers. Uhm, he was in, did an interview that I saw, and he was talking about all kinds of stuff, and then they mentioned his, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, is it not the 70, nah, the guy below there with Meek Mill, right there, that dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there. Yeah. Yeah, that's him. So do his name, hair, yeah. Where's the song? I know, he's so fucking terrible at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that in this interview that he was like, oh, I saw the guy everybody's seeing, like the best guy. Oh, there's a guy. Yeah, I think he said it was a guy in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and Deon's is, is, um, crazy too. Deon Sanders, he, you'll see it here, he was, I mean, he was just, he rocked the full, thick, bald head, and now he has a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Erlacher, right there. He's got a full head of hair now too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She won't get on the phone with me, but I think I can get one of her football players too. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I, I think, I mean, first of all, you know, same thing, he's got the time, he's got the resources, like he did, uh, what made him feel good, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, also, there's no excuse if you're that wealthy. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I just mean like, you know, why isn't there just like a nutritionist that lives on campus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so here's another one I want to ask. You finally came around, I wasn't expecting this, but you came around and told me the other day that you like murder now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, produced by Wondry. Uhm, so, I guess it was the 80s? Yea, it started in the 80s. Like really early 80s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy set up, put up flyers and started the apology line, which was a way...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was just like this cathartic experience of saying I'm sorry for getting it out there. And, uh, this thing became wildly popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call the police, but it will be publicly played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that he's sniffing as he's walking around with his mask, he's sniffing your box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinks I've seen as an, oh okay. Hi Christina and Ted. I was listening to your most recent episode and wanted to share my favorite and weirdest kink request I've had as a creator on OnlyFans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, I get about two of these a month, but people request videos or pictures where I look like a giant, going on the ground, me standing over it, they want me to talk about how tiny and pathetic they are and user requests that look like I'm stepping on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Sneezing King. I've only had one request. Multiple sneezing videos from me. They literally just get off on sneezes. I just sniff pepper for a few minutes and sneeze as many times as I can and cha-ching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chastity King. This is usually a request for videos pretending I found a key to a man's chastity cage. Then I proceed to tease them about how I won't unlock it even though I know they want me to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dick rates. This one isn't the weirdest, but it is 100% the most popular among OnlyFans creators. I get like 10 of these a day. Guys, just send a dick pic and ask you to rate their dicks. Sometimes it turns into small penis humiliation session.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Et cetera. Uhm, and this last one is a one-time request a friend of mine got that still kills me to this day. The person requested that she give him a list of foods that he would eat, that he would get those foods, shove them up his ass, take them out, and then eat them. He wanted to record that and then have her record a video of her watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love the show. I'll send any other crazy kinks that come my way to expand your knowledge. Sincerely, a queen over 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I don't want to hear anybody complaining that the job situation isn't good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've told you many times, you know, stop sitting around and start hustling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear you. Right. Saliva? No. Got a lot of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just put a mask down on your cooch for a couple hours. Vacuum seal it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can get those, uh, that box of like, you know, a hundred come, of the ones that, like the sterile ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start walking around with like stuff like six of those in your crotch, go for a run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got to look at the mask and look at their crotch and be like, Oh, your dick's hard. You got a pussy mask on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taylor's Christine's apprehension to go on a date with the king is completely R-worded. This is the potential for possibly the greatest content ever. And she's just gonna piss it away. Not even sell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those piss soaked panties. It is incredibly hypocritical for Crystal to call herself ride or die but then get all wishy washy when the king wants to take her out. Yet another case of stolen valor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can she stand next to a true writer die like sweet sweet Josh Potter who literally went into the lion's den, got the full frontal RPC treatment, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also the case of Nadav, everyone's favorite Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who at your request shaved his head and looked completely talked for months. So I say either let the King take you to a nice dinner, most likely at the Olive Garden adjacent to the Ohio Park or be stamped the Stolen Valor Champ for all of eternity. Piss on me. Beat me. You're a huge fan. John.


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[Assistant] Alright, so she'll see you soon, and uhm, yeaah, we just gotta make the arrangements.


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[Assistant] Uhm, before we go here, this is pretty exciting, uh, on the wrestling, you know, uh, show, the AEW show that, uh, Cody Rhodes wrestles on, and he does the Go Big show where they fucked up Burt's name twice last week. They tried to get it right this week. No!


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[Assistant] No, no, I think he realized that you just have to accept it and roll with it. Yeah. Because there's no point in getting upset.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Let's take a break and we'll be back in a moment.


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[Assistant] Even in the new year, it's hard to start a new routine, but if you're one of the 34% of Americans who made a resolution to be less stressed, Headspace is here to help. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guided meditation in an easy to use app. Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research.


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[Assistant] I mean that's what I'm talking about, you know? It's like a mood boosting workout. You check out Headspace, just 30 days of Headspace, lower stress by 32%, and just 4 sessions can reduce burnout by 14%. Check out the Wake Up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offered right now. Head to headspace.com slash mom today.


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[Assistant] That is exactly right. Yeah, I didn't break my hand. I broke my arm. And now my hand doesn't work. So good to see you.


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[Assistant] I can do like that kind of stuff, you know, but I can't, my extenders don't work all the way. Yeah.


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[Assistant] How great is it to be dating? Isn't dating what it's all about?


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[Assistant] I mean almost 10 years, that's a good run. That's a good run.


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[Assistant] But do you recommend like datings where it's at? It's awesome.


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[Assistant] What do you submit when you're trying to get on? Like what do you have to give?


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[Assistant] But can, can anyone message like Owen Wilson if you're on there?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Who's filming him? Just a cool, lucky person.


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[Assistant] You know what this, so, uh, we debated, we debated, like there was a debate here about what's going on. Uhm, like a couple people, like your friend Christina here was like, I think he just liked dirt.


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[Assistant] Cause he's gonna Jay's D as soon as he gets off the train, so that's why it's on the D.


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[Assistant] Okay, you take a mask, you put it in your panties, you go for like a jog.


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[Assistant] You put it in a vacuum seal bag, then a guy pays so that he can wear the mask that you had in your crotch.


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[Assistant] Here, this is about him. This, because there was a documentary made about him. And this is, this part is about him.


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[Assistant] That's pretty cool. So that's the guy. That's the guy that they're talking about. That's John.


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[Assistant] And he's on Raya, so that's why we wanted to talk to you about him today.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but let's point something out here. You're not a fucking child. So don't be a baby about it. Just fucking take a dump in his mouth, and it's over, you know?


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[Assistant] But you're not gonna like, you know, baby out of this thing, right? Like, oh, that's dirty.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Now, we're talking about dating. Do you have a site that you like? Like, Raya sounds like it was not what you thought it would be. Are any of the other ones good?


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[Assistant] What, you say that now, but what if you were to get an amazing dating message sent to you?


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[Assistant] Let's not let our fucking busy schedules get us out of this shit.


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[Assistant] But I actually feel really bad because I think this reminds me of other videos like this where we've watched them and you go like, oh, I like everybody.


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[Assistant] Everybody can have an instinct to say something, and then usually the part of your brain that goes like, don't send that, or don't do that. Like, you're excited, you're excited to express your interest.


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[Assistant] Would a video invite to a date freak you out? I think it's a little... That's the worst. You want a phone call, right? I mean a phone call.


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[Assistant] Were both dates bad dates?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's not going to change. That's right.


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[Assistant] And then these fucking dopes are like, it's one. It's one.


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[Assistant] Here's how you're supposed to say it.


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[Assistant] You wanna know something cool if you ladies start selling your panties, which I hope you both do?


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[Assistant] Is you never know who will get a hold of them and where they'll start sniffing them. For instance, in this video, this is a meeting where a Brazilian politician is in a zoom meeting and doesn't realize that his video is on.


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[Assistant] But, he fucked somebody on set.


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[Assistant] Listen, after I got, I got divorced, it was a thing for me too. It took a while and, you know.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna pitch it to you off camera. But I actually did pitch it to you like three years ago. I know, I remember. Yea, and you were like, uhm, okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I have, listen, I, she was mean, so I kill her, and then the guy that helps me get rid of the body, he's like, hey, do you mind if I have sex with her? And I was like,


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[Assistant] That he, he's, uh, he's good at it.


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[Assistant] So you recommend getting into the dating pool. That's what we're at right now.


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[Assistant] Your friend, does he call you and go, I got someone for you or how does it actually come to you?


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[Assistant] How did uh, how did the goodbye go on this?


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[Assistant] And then, any, like, if he, if he had a time, he's obviously thinking it went well.


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[Assistant] Wait, did you tell this guy, did you tell the second guy, the picnic guy, eventually like, uh, this not gonna work? How did he respond? He must have been floored.


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[Assistant] Well here's the other thing, you can't, like, you cannot say that the social world you live in right now is even remotely normal or indicative of what it's gonna be like, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, what I'm saying is like, you go like, I'm not, I'm not there, I'm not ready, but you, you're throwing yourself into like a social, like analyzing your social life in a non-social world right now. So you gotta kind of wait. It's a weird time to date, is what he's trying to say.


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[Assistant] You don't have to spend a lot of money to show that you give a shit on a date.


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[Assistant] He didn't think. When we have a picnic, you bring your stuff, I'll bring mine. We'll see if it's a good match.


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[Assistant] Even if he had done that, like even if he had just got his subway, but he was like, I got you like one, like, they had a flourless chocolate cake I got, like just one thing. A nod to thinking about the other person. Yea, I think, I mean, yea, cause I think of the same person.


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[Assistant] I think he would not have done this. He's a romantic. Total romantic. This is true. In this actual scenario, he would never have done that. But he's, you know, he is the type where it's like, I don't know, we all sat down somewhere and they're like, you know,


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[Assistant] I mean, that was my, I think with this individual we're talking about, it's that he, he is somewhat oblivious, just naturally, and then he gets like hyper focused on his, what he's doing, or on his thoughts. Little on the scale. Little bit, little bit, yeaah.


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[Assistant] I get that. And then you point stuff out and you see it slowly making sense to him and you're like, you know, when you left us hanging, it really made us feel like, you never, and then he was like.


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[Assistant] Oh yea. And she recognizes that he's a little talked and then, you know, has made adjustments accordingly.


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[Assistant] Uh, remind people about the special because this is important.


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[Assistant] That is so good. I got a couple guys for you to take for a spin, you know?


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[Assistant] I am now. Oh yea. Shit, you're fucking ripped in half.


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[Assistant] You mean you put in a coin every time you mess up? Exactly.


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[Assistant] Biden is the president, you guys cannot get no stupider, okay?


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[Assistant] He's not in the White House. It's closed down.


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[Assistant] That I just have to laugh, laugh, laugh, cause you're not hurting my feelings.