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[Assistant] Sure. But it was a great, it was great, we did that for many years.


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[Assistant] Playing basketball. And then people loved Gary so they would sit down afterwards and kind of, you know, try to get uhm,


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[Assistant] Try to get, uhm, advice from him. Oh really? On their career, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Like I even brought a script to Gary. We were good friends so he wanted to read this script that I wrote for a sitcom and he read it and he gave me some notes and after he died, he died from a, uhm, I think an embolism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, yeaah, so we're good friends and that's how Tom Petty showed up.


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[Assistant] He was, yeaah. He really had that mentor role, I guess. Definitely, definitely. I mean, I used to watch him on The Tonight Show and he was just so smooth in the way he crafted a joke.


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[Assistant] And I would go on, do corporate gigs sometimes, and I'd call him, cause it was for whatever the company was.


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[Assistant] And I would say, hey, got any jokes I could do for the CEO? And he'd be on the phone forever with me.


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[Assistant] It's almost like we go from one topic, he wasn't moving enough from one topic to the next, like on a joke. Yeah. I say, okay, that's good. He goes, no, no, no, no, we got, we got more in this one. I say, okay. Wow.


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[Assistant] It is one of the things, being generous, and you know what Christine, love is the other thing. Love.


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[Assistant] He was very spiritual. He loved the Buddhism. He wasn't a Buddhist, but he read a lot about that and he had that little Buddha belly guy in the corner of his room. The Buddha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he had an acting coach, uh, called, uh, named Roy London, who's very popular in Hollywood for actors.


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[Assistant] And he said, and he was really good friends with him, and he went to his bedside as he was dying, as he died. And Gary told me this, he said, as he was about to die, he goes, I know the answer. I found the answer. It's all about love.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, it's almost like he saw...


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It is, but I had a hangover once, I'll never do it again. Seriously? Yeaah, I'll never touch it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drink wine once in a while, a whole glass of wine, but I did my fair share. I was never an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time in rehab, but I was never an alcoholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never spent time in rehab, but I did like to drink on the weekends and the weekends originally started on Friday, moved up to Thursday. And I thought, okay, we better, I'm, you know, I'm 59, I better slow down. I was in my thirties, I think early forties when I did that.


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[Assistant] Would you party with the people at shows? Would you do that kind of thing?


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[Assistant] Yeah, sometimes I would go out, if I was on the road, we got to a bar or something.


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[Assistant] He was, I drew him in this and he was one of the first comics I saw and I almost made a beeline back to my car and drove home. Cause he was so good, you know, he'd walk through the crowd and he'd pick things out of people's purses and make fun of them and he had no mic and it was like a street comic so he moved.


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[Assistant] And I remember seeing him at all the clubs, you know, always see him.


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[Assistant] And he had that Shakespeare hat on like in that picture right there.


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[Assistant] I don't think he really knew my name. Whenever we saw each other, he would call me Boss. Cause he called everybody Boss. And I called him Bubble. Bubble.


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[Assistant] And I was never so amazed at somebody with their talent than him. And I thought after he died, I thought there'd be a statue of him in every town. Yeah. Right. And I never saw him that


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[Assistant] You know, he had, he always sounded like he was Scottish, the way he talked. Hey bubba, how are you doing? Looking good, yeah. And I remember I was working at Cobbs in San Francisco once, when I was in the marina. And he was there, and he came back really angry to the club. I said, what's the matter? He goes, I'm like, the car won't start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just swearing up and down, I thought, man, that's okay, I guess this guy's not some, you know, miracle.


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[Assistant] Comedian genius. He wasn't a genius I thought, but I think it's like with every comic.


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[Assistant] I don't know, when you started, did you see a comic and go, wow, this guy's funny. He went back to see him again and he's doing the same thing. Of course. And it's like you're, it's like finding out there's no Santa Claus. Yeah. And, but Robin, I think was one of those that didn't do that. Although I did learn after a while that he did have, he did have a format that he followed.


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[Assistant] This guy's really good. Or this girl's really good. Uhm, I like the attitude, I like the point of view.


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[Assistant] You need to pepper a little silliness in with your, uh, your observations in life that are


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[Assistant] You know who I thought was very close to being a genius, only because of how he came up with things was Andy Kaufman. He was a big influence over there. Because he was different, he was unique.


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[Assistant] But of course he did a lot of those bits over and over again, but to be able to come up with that, to come up with those.


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[Assistant] I was thinking about too, I mean great dramatic actor too.


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[Assistant] You are really tall and that's not fair. I am tall. I'll tell people that. Tall privilege. People will see him on stage and they'll think, hey, I didn't know he was that tall. Yeah. And they'll say, well, I didn't know you existed. Yeah. You know, so too shy.


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[Assistant] Well, I like the BA in what he said, you get a lot of choices when you have money. And that's the difference between having money or not.


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[Assistant] If you're a happy person. Options. Options. You have all these options and eventually, uhm, you don't want to do any of that stuff. Yeah. So you give your money away and that's the beauty of it all. Yeah. But I thought this guy had something to say. Well, there's more. Well, there is. Oh yeah, there's a little bit more. Let's hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. My wife was telling me that she was looking at the top 400 or 500 in the Forbes list, or the top richest people in the world, 400 people. And it's mostly men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple of women, but mostly men, and that kind of made her angry.


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[Assistant] Put one pixelation over eye, another pixelation over the other eye. And I use a couple of pixelations to do the teeth. And they'll know who it is.


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[Assistant] Well, I have, I have that plan now with my, um, with my facialist, who isn't really qualified to do all the surgery, but he has been outlining everything with a Sharpie. That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. And he wrote there, so if I make a mistake, he says this face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that's what I'm doing. Uh, the chin's coming off completely. Wow. I'm gonna hang this lower lip with collagen. I'm getting the three plus pack of collagen. So that hangs down. So it doubles as a chin and a lip.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I'm actually gonna take my ears and put them on my shoulders.


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[Assistant] So that's my plan now. I don't know if I'm gonna stick to it. Here's a question for you. You got a minute?


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[Assistant] Let's say an actress goes to a very famous Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.


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[Assistant] And he performs a lot of work on her. Really amazing work.


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[Assistant] And then, cause he's an artist, right? And then he goes off and dies.


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[Assistant] Does that person who had the work done become more valuable because he died as an artist? Wow. That's actually a very good question. And that's true, that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happened, I don't remember the name of the doctor, but he was texting and driving and went off the road.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but uhm, no, I was just thinking about that because, I mean, it should.


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[Assistant] As, as it happens in the art world. Yeaah. When Yarnist dies.


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[Assistant] You love life. It would have to be at least one out of 10,000. For you to fly? For you to fly. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I mean if you, there's an app that'll show you every planet's in the sky.


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[Assistant] And it's almost like the whole country is red with flights. And I'm surprised they don't crash into each other.


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[Assistant] Well they put it in there when it's alive to begin with, so it's got a head start.


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[Assistant] What do- Tom, do you check expiration dates on cans and things, bread? I don't really either.


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[Assistant] It gets green on it like after two hours in a mold. I will eat a piece of like wonder bread that's been sitting on the counter for a month and it's still fresh.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but he's, like, she's the other half. Oh nice. He did cause he has a plastic surgery, I see.


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[Assistant] I don't know him that well, but I like him. But he's like, like me a lot where he doesn't get overly excited about anything.


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[Assistant] They were legal, if that was legal, which I assume it will be one day. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, boy, you'd see some smiles on her face. Right?


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[Assistant] I was, I was telling somebody I'm doing the uhm, the YMH. You gotta tell me what that stands for by the way, Willem. Yeah, yes, sure.


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[Assistant] I'm doing the YMH podcast and I know I'm Tom and Tom loves cars.


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[Assistant] Because cars, you've always loved cars. You probably have two or three, like really high performance cars.


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[Assistant] Right? Less? Two. Two? More than two? So you got four cars that you really love, right? You splurge a little bit, you got four cars. Right? More?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna, you wanna, uh, you have a fleet of cars? Do you have a taxi company? Where are you going with this?


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[Assistant] I have that hiking show coming out, October 27th, 4th season, called Hiking with Kevin on YouTube.


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[Assistant] Paul Rudd is the opening, uh. Love Paul Rudd. Hiker, yeaah, and Eugene Levy did one. Lovely. Greg Kinnear. So funny. Some other comics, yeaah.


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[Assistant] So uhm, you know, I like to let people know that that's the first episode if they can go back and watch it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I'm on this book tour, I don't know if I'll be there. Oh Jesus Christ, how are we gonna fucking walk there? Plus I had a knee replaced like two months ago. You did? So yea.


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[Assistant] We could just walk through like a mall or something. I tell the plastic surgeon, just do my nose.


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[Assistant] We could do a mall. I asked Steve Martin if he would go on a hike. He goes, if we do Beverly Hills.


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[Assistant] Okay, I'll just hold some bushes behind us, like we're out in the woods, hiking.


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[Assistant] But the thing about those, no, those people never, they let down their guard when they're out on the trail. It's not like being in a studio, like right here. I'm very guarded right here. But when you get out on a trail, there's no camera and there's no like lights and audience and people kind of forget and that the endorphins going and


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[Assistant] And I remember passing people when I was hiking, you pick up bits of conversation as they're going by.


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[Assistant] I had one guy passing, passing with his wife, and I felt so sad for him. As they were passing, I heard him say, do you think I could golf tomorrow?


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[Assistant] It's cool as shit. The little ones are the most ferocious I've learned. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. A little baby rattlesnake, they got a lot of adrenaline in them, they got a lot of poison, they don't know how to control it. Alright. Alright. And sometimes a rattlesnake will be laying in the trail in LA, and it's big.


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[Assistant] And I don't know what to do to get, I don't want to jump over cause you might jump up cause they could jump. Sure. And.


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[Assistant] They feel vibration, so you have to stomp your feet really hard on the ground near them, and then they slither away. Don't get too close.


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[Assistant] I have a friend who caught a rattlesnake. He's crazy. He will sneak up on them. There's a time of the year when they're a little more...


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[Assistant] That sucks, yeah. I mean, but still, I feel like you- What do you care? You're touring all the time, Tom. I know. You're never home. Do you know where you live? I do.


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[Assistant] It's near the water. Do you live near the water?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Looks good on her. I think so. She likes the wild.


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[Assistant] Here's my question. Here's my question for both of you. I've been trying to figure this out a long time. Women,


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[Assistant] Cannot go topless, say, in most places. Yes. Even if they have no breasts at all, hardly. Yeah. But, a plus size man. Yes. Who has very big breasts. Yeah. Can walk around anywhere without a bra. Yeah, it's crazy. So, what is the, what should be the rule? Gosh, that's such a good idea, very thoughtful.


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[Assistant] But what if she likes to be identified as a man? Well that's a different, that's a whole different thing. That's a whole different kind of worms right there. Because I think maybe men would lose more weight and get healthier if they had to wear a bra.


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[Assistant] Yeah. No, he had those put on. No. Look at, look at the scars around there. I know, believe me.


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[Assistant] If there weren't other people around, I'd be happy. Cause I wouldn't have anything to compare to.


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[Assistant] Do you remember the first time you went into a locker room? Yes. And guys were walking around. Yes. Old guys. Yeaah. With their balls dragging. Yeaah. Yeaah, right? Lots of hair and you're like, what the fuck? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I was so late blooming and I would come back from.


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[Assistant] Let's say we're going to locker room after a team sport. I didn't play anything, but maybe I tried out for something. And I would always get to the locker room first. Even after working out so hard, I would run ahead of everybody.


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[Assistant] And so I could get changed, take a shower before people came in.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I saw how well endowed I was, cause I was embarrassed about that, you know. Yea, sure. No, no, but you know what I mean? I had like no body hair. Yea. And these guys all look like my father walking around in there. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] Well, yeah, I graduated and I got a job working as a lifeguard on the beach. Maybe it's the sun. Yeah. And I was a late bloomer. Like my son is, is the same way. And he's, the doctor said he's going to be six, three.


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[Assistant] I wanted to be a, I wanted to be a pilot. You're way too tall. I'm too tall. I should have applied when I was in high school.


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[Assistant] I don't know what had grown in the cockpit and it couldn't get out. Yea, it used to be flying today. That's true.


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[Assistant] I'll see somebody really tall, and I'll say to my wife, am I that tall?


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[Assistant] She'll go, no, no, no, no. Sometimes I'll see somebody tall. If I'm alone, I'll kind of stand next to them, look in the mirror. I'm not that tall. But I'm right there though. I'm right, I'm knocking on the door. Thank God things stopped.


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[Assistant] What do you guys do for a hobby? Let's talk about you for a minute.


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[Assistant] Sometimes I'll be driving through Hollywood and I'll look at the Hollywood sign. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] You can't tell they're paint by numbers though, can you? They're really good.


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[Assistant] They finally got that castle one back because the Nazis confiscated it from Hitler during the war.


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[Assistant] How lovely. You ever look at something, they ever look at something like say a painting or something and you think these are the same images that so and so looked at when they were alive. Yeaah. Like I'll be driving through Hollywood and I'll look at the hills and I'll think this is what Clark Gable looked at when he was driving. Sure.


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[Assistant] If I had the F1 driving body, maybe. I did see him once. Yeah? Yeah, his wife was at a, one of these resorts in Massachusetts, you know, where you go for healthy stuff. Yeah. I forget the name of it, but he was leaning against the bar, uhm, or the breakfast bar, whatever, as we were leaving. And I thought, oh my gosh, Paul Newman.


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[Assistant] I've seen a lot of people like that. I saw Cary Grant once in the back of a golf cart. First celebrity ever. I was like 10. Kennedy, uh, JFK, sitting in the back.


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[Assistant] White hair, big black glasses. Man, he's changed a lot. When I saw him when I was three. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] When I first moved to Los Angeles, there was a restaurant in La Cienca called Alan Hale's Lobster Barrel or something.


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[Assistant] And he owned the place and he would come around to each table and ask, how are you doing from Gilligan's Island?


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[Assistant] Misunderstood is an understatement. By the way, one quick thing, you can edit this out if you want.


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[Assistant] Like I said, when I was a kid, I lived in Germany. I lived in a German neighborhood. A lot of the kids were in the military, their parents, so they lived on the army bases. My father worked for a helicopter company, so we lived in a German neighborhood and a lot of my friends were German. And this is 15 years after World War II.


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[Assistant] I go over to one of my friends house and in the living room, it's a glass case of German boats. You know, one of those scenes, you know, all the like U-boats and everything. And at the time I was even eight or nine. I thought this is kind of weird.


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[Assistant] You know, his father is like in the other room reading the newspaper. And I thought, man.


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[Assistant] You know, that transition time was probably interesting for German families that were in the war back then. Especially if they were, you know, on the right team. But I did go in the closet and got a shirt for you as a little gift. It's got a little Nazi kind of stuff on it. And two of the boats. I got two of the boats.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I mean as a somewhat, I want to say even a joke, I just said, uh, you know, you were like, what stakes could we do? And we're like, oh, we'll be crazy. And so I said, uh, what about hair transplant? Like that's something that I've wanted, you know, in the past that I couldn't do. And then you said yes, which did not expect it, didn't think that was possible.


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[Assistant] And you'd see, and I think it's that you'd see an x-ray of it too, you know? You're trying to see it, yea. That's tight. So yea. Yea, that's that. But, you know, I've been thinking though.


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[Assistant] It's kind of lame that my dude Ryan ain't got no stakes in this, you know what I'm saying? Like it's kind of unfortunate. It's kind of a lose-lose situation for, I think.


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[Assistant] But wait, so why did you lose weight in Israel? Thank you, I appreciate it. Where were you eating?


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[Assistant] Uh, non-American food. Like, the thing is, when you visit other countries, they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prepare food the way you're supposed to without a whole bunch of preservatives and processed bullshit. So I ate meat, salads, whatever the fuck's in hummus.


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[Assistant] Well, cause I mean in post production we have RGB color wheels and stuff, like it's, I have a reason to think that I'm not just fucking.


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[Assistant] Nah, I think it was just sent in, like this was the front half of the, of the Batch That Solo.


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[Assistant] You always seem to say the right thing to just the right person. What's your secret? I'm really just talking to myself. I don't charge for my advice.


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[Assistant] Welcome to the Joe Show. I submitted myself to a radio station for my own show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They rejected it. Well, congratulations then.


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[Assistant] You love a loquisha! What's your problem?


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[Assistant] We were discussing this yesterday, cause you were like, I gotta take a shit. And I'm like, you're, you're never not shitting, you're never not either, you're just having shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're ramping up to take a shit, you just farted on one of the kids, and then you're gonna take a shit. It's uh, it-


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[Assistant] I mean, I just farted, that was the first time I've pushed a fart out in front of you in, in hours.


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[Assistant] You just did. You just went tsss. Did you hear? Was that a burp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I wish there were, there was a way that we could quantify both our burps. Can we hire somebody to follow us around for 24 hours and count our burps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the third place is what Starbucks culturally refers to as you have your first place is your home, your second place is your office, and the third place is Starbucks. So people are meant to use Starbucks as quote their third place. So he's accusing her of disrespecting their third place. I believe is what's happening.


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[Assistant] He's not an employee because he's not wearing official Starbucks uniform.


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[Assistant] But he's not wearing pants. Okay, so you can either wear khakis or black pants. Those are kind of khaki. Maybe they are. Alright, let's see what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Yeah, he is wearing khaki. By the way.


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[Assistant] But I will say, like when I worked at Starbucks, you never, we never messed with the hobos that would go in there and do drugs and shit. Like you just let the hobo shit. Like you said-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to be more inclusive. Shouldn't there just be like, period changing bathroom stations everywhere?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, there should be more of a structure for us to change our pussy pads and stuff. Like you said.


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[Assistant] I'm touring. We're going to Breast Balls Beach.


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[Assistant] Uh, January 21st and 20th, and then I go to Fadison, Texas? How's that? At the, what did I call it before? I don't remember. I don't know.


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[Assistant] February 2nd and 3rd and 4th and then Portland, Oregon one night, March 31st. Revolution Hall.


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[Assistant] April 1st, Roanart Park, California, Chicago, Illinois, April 29th, April 30th.


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[Assistant] Haha, May 13th. Brownst, brownst.


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[Assistant] Your dad never wanted to go outside of America. For what?


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[Assistant] If we were to go to Perry or Italy now.


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[Assistant] I like the Tate Gallery in London, LDN. I would go there.


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[Assistant] Don't care. Don't care about the Louvre anymore. I've seen art. I've seen those fancy paintings. I like to see the new stuff.


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[Assistant] What's that guy's name at the Tate? The Modern Gallery. I don't know who you're talking about. Famous.


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[Assistant] But I don't care about- I don't- I don't know, do you wanna go look at churches anymore?


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[Assistant] Uhm, well I'm just not a very good person, but the other day...


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[Assistant] I wanted to share this thought with you, cause I was on the airplane.


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[Assistant] And she's sitting in the window, I'm sitting in the aisle, first class, obviously, right? And, and I'm like, oh, whoa, like she's really big. I wonder if she's going to be able to fit in the seat. You know what I mean? Like, will she spill over into mine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep these thoughts to myself, obviously, but I am thinking these thoughts of like, Whoa, how is this going to go down?


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[Assistant] And I noticed that she's big, she's trying to get her seatbelt on, she can't.


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[Assistant] And then very quietly and very lovely and discreetly, the flight attendant hands her an extender, like kind of tucks it in. And I was like, that's so nice, right? And then she starts getting into the seatbelt extender. Well, what I noticed about myself is I pretended like I didn't see the flight attendant hand her the extender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then in my head, I congratulated myself for being compassionate.


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[Assistant] I will not stare at it and I'll be like, look how good a person I am that I didn't even look over there. Like I wanted to look and see what they were missing or what was going on, but I didn't cause I'm so noble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so selfish. I'm like, am I just, like, I am being nice, so that's a win.


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[Assistant] That was such a dark feeling after I was like, why am I proud of myself for not? I'm proud of myself.


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[Assistant] You know me, I have a hard time hiding any kind of emotions or thoughts. I think that's really what I'm mostly proud of is like I for once I didn't


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[Assistant] I don't even see him. Just for you guys listening, this poor woman has the Dia De Los Muertos


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[Assistant] Skull eyes and then the lips like stitches and the forehead tattooed and then on her neck is like a biohazard.


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[Assistant] She done look very, what's the word, I'm like, repentant.


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[Assistant] She's got four kids? Yeah, that's maybe why they let her out. Oh, there it is.


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[Assistant] Hold on, Melton is the homeless man, right? Melton and Crackerbush got into a heated argument during which the woman allegedly asked if the man, quote, wanted to die tonight.


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[Assistant] In another case, Quacklebush poured water on a woman in a restaurant.


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[Assistant] Okay, Quack-a-Motion apologizes to Melton for her actions.


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[Assistant] But also sought to present herself as a victim claiming she's been ridiculed, has received debt threats and has struggled to find work. I mean.


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[Assistant] I mean, can you, I'm just still thinking about how you manipulate a jury.


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[Assistant] Wait, so this lady on TikTok is going to have those de la dia de los muertos tattoos removed, but can they remove them from your eyelids and under your eye? That had to have been really painful.


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[Assistant] I wanted to bring this up. I found this in my, um, DMs. This, this lady wrote to me.


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[Assistant] Driving with a suspended license, that's pretty ballsy, no? I mean.


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[Assistant] Is this how vert's gonna end up? Is that what you're saying? Well, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Fucking ripped bro. He looks good. He's on his way.


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[Assistant] That's his face, homie. He's got the square root of 87 there, faded. Oh no, it's an 8 ball.


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[Assistant] That's just booze. It's just booze. You fuck your own-


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[Assistant] Like babe, I'm being realistic. Is this, like, how much alcohol does this take?


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[Assistant] I had to drink to deal with your relatives, you know what I mean? The relatives.


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[Assistant] You have to allot for alcohol consumption over the holidays. You have to comfort yourself somehow.


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[Assistant] There's two of them actually. This one I got as a DM from RE Arise. I don't know what this is. It says, Hi Mommy. She says that she loves us. You true the best. So my whole life I've always hated to wash my legs in the shower.


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[Assistant] Because when you bend down to do so the water would run on your face and that's always bothered me. I don't really know why, but it just does. Do you understand what she's saying?


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[Assistant] Then all the water goes into your eyes and into your ears and your face, okay?


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[Assistant] Uhm, so most of the time I just wouldn't wash my legs. And that's pretty nasty.


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[Assistant] Today it hit me that I could just lift my legs up and be able to reach them just fine without bending over. I'm 39. It's totally changed my shower game and I will no longer have nasty unwashes.


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[Assistant] But I don't really wash my legs. Yeah, I'm not a big leg washer. I feel like it just all, the soap goes down there and it's fine.


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[Assistant] I just, okay, I don't wash my legs, but I do understand her line of thinking. Cause I've bent over to shave my legs. And it's been a disaster.


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[Assistant] No, I don't do my, I do wash my feet when I do pedicures and I like to keep them clean.


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[Assistant] I don't care. Uhm, so that's one Pichitsky effect and then this one. You heard the phrase brass tacks.


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[Assistant] How would you spell that? Nadav? Brass tacks. Have you heard the phrase? I have. Down to brass tacks. Uh huh. How would you spell that?


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[Assistant] Down to brass tacks. And what do you think that means? Brass tacks.


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[Assistant] The meaning, but did you know that it was spelled brass? B-R-A-S-S. Tax. T-A-C-K-S. Brass. Tax. So back when they would make measuring fabric easier, right? Fabric measures. Owners would hammer brass tacks at common intervals. A yard.


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[Assistant] Half yard and quarter yard. So after the customer picked the cloth, the clerk would say something like, okay, I'll measure. So let's get down to brass tacks. Literally. And I thought my whole life it was TAX as well until I read it today.


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[Assistant] No, I was reading like a UK newspaper and they used the phrase brass tacks and I was like, oh my God, my whole life I've been saying.


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[Assistant] I mean, I've said it before, I have relatives in Hungary that- Five-six.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't matter sometimes. And then people that are in good health have aneurysms and drop dead.


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[Assistant] One time with Dr. Drew, I was like, am I gonna have an aneurysm? Am I gonna die of a stroke? And he's like, Christina.


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[Assistant] There's signs, okay? There's things that happen before you have an aneurysm. You don't just have one and die. It's not gonna happen to you. It's not likely.


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[Assistant] I want you to know that I haven't burped or farted this entire podcast.


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[Assistant] Apropos our discussion on Your Mom's House Live.


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[Assistant] Don't tell me you didn't know that in between 7th and 8th grade, all the fucking, the girls got their bat mitzvah and then you get your nose done. That's like standard issue, LA.


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[Assistant] Because he was so beautiful when I was a little girl, he was just this big sex symbol and I couldn't believe how different he looks. So yeah, some of that is from getting his nose smashed as a fighter I read. So they had to reconstruct that.


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[Assistant] And then you got, he went for the bright bright bright bright bright veneers.


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[Assistant] Which I have to say guys, don't get veneers just for like, hey I think I want my teeth looking like, like they're really awful. I only had the front two done because I knocked half of one of my teeth out as a kid and I have to have big teeth. But I would never recommend doing it. It's extremely painful.


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[Assistant] And not very good, they just pop out at random.


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[Assistant] I think what happens, so I've learned that the cheeks, when they get real round like that, that's too much filler. And you look like chip, chipmunk cheeks. So that's, that's overfill. And then the lips, once you start on the lips. I think it's just maybe too much filler.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like this one you ex- this is a total Miami typical broad crazy town. But look at the eyes, like what did she do?


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[Assistant] And the lips, like the shape of everything.


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[Assistant] And remember when he, he said that he never had anything done? I've never had anything done. Yeah. He would, he told like Martin Bashir like, I've never had anything done.


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[Assistant] Please do. Yeah, this one's scary. And here's the thing is that how do plastic surgeons, how do you destroy Michael Jackson's nose? Like how are you the guy?


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[Assistant] And like the cleft he put the cleft in the chin, which is always interesting to make his face more, I guess, masculine.


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[Assistant] It's all in his head. The Beat It? Okay, Beat It Michael Jackson?


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[Assistant] So adorable. Billy Jean Michael Jackson? Adorable. And then by bad,


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[Assistant] It starts to go off the rails, then the nose is too thin, he gets pastier and weirder, the lips get redder, the hair gets longer, it goes south.


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[Assistant] But I would say Billie Jean is, yeaah, there's Maria, not Maria Presley. Priscilla. Priscilla Presley.


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[Assistant] Fuck dude. I would just rather look old than look weird. You have to choose between old and weird. That's it. Either you're old or you're weird. There's no way around it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Softens, what happens when the men get cosmetic surgery, it can soften their faces, I've heard. Like it'll make you, it'll feminize you when they get like.


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[Assistant] The eyes angled, it's way too feminine, and they put filler in his face, it's way fat.


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[Assistant] And you can't do drugs, and you can't drink a lot.


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[Assistant] I'd still say thin is better no matter what cause you'll live longer cause you don't see many old fatties out in the world. You gotta stay thin. It's just better for you. Who cares how you look? No one wants to fuck you anyway when you're that old.


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[Assistant] Who cares? Who's banging Ray Liotta when he looks like that anyway?


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[Assistant] It's like a full blowout kit, like from that company Drybar.


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[Assistant] It's a full, like, special hairdryer, special hair products, like, just to help her with that mop.


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[Assistant] It's totally the haircut too, like, I think cause someone just put a bowl on her head and then cut around it. You can't do that. She's a woman.


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[Assistant] You know, when they embalm you and stuff, like how would her boobs look?


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[Assistant] Well, is someone flattering if they lay you on your back and then they're just flat pancakes? They gotta put some fluid in there to make them look nice.


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[Assistant] Give me a nice full C, nothing bigger than a C. I don't want to horrify people.


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[Assistant] The triangle metaphor doesn't work, right?


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[Assistant] God. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's been ours for like a, how long now?


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[Assistant] I agree. I'm not far off. I think that's-


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[Assistant] Partially why I'm obsessed with like this type of weirdo stuff and Madonna and stuff. I'm like, dude, I'm like one.


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[Assistant] Like really, if I didn't have children or you or anything, like just me and drugs, that's what fucking will happen. That's just drugs, right? Drugs and a camera.


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[Assistant] In the AIRPORT. It's so unsanitary.


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[Assistant] Yo. And the other one's a barbecued rack o' ribs. In like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Did you understand half of what the fuck this broad's saying?


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[Assistant] I also think that doesn't a positive STI test mean you're positive for that?


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[Assistant] I'm sorry, thank you for, thank you for educating me.


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[Assistant] I know because generally the whacked out ones don't look this handsome, so it was a little confusing for me at first.


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[Assistant] Oh, there's another one, another stone being removed from a homeless person's mouth. Remember I told you I got heavy into these?


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[Assistant] And that's fucked up. That guy just pulled out. He didn't even like break it up. He just pulled that out. It's just build up of like plaque and stuff.


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[Assistant] You ever wonder how they mix the tortilla?


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[Assistant] Well that's melted butter, guys. That's how they make your butter.


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[Assistant] I had cilantro for lunch. It's Korean food mixed with Mexican food. What did you think was gonna happen?


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[Assistant] And he was such a purist about his talent, he would never let us expose him, it was so rude.


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[Assistant] Remember those girls in the shed? Where they would fart and they'd be like...


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[Assistant] Don't laugh, evil demon. Okay. Let's go.


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[Assistant] I love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. Uhm, it was a great episode. Tom, I love you.


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[Assistant] No booze. Yeah, no booze. Working out all the time. A few more weeks.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, you're talking about in his case? He's just at a caloric surplus every day.


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[Assistant] So it's booze and food for him. Cause usually also, everybody, if you drink a good amount, you're gonna make poor decisions, right? You're just gonna go crazy with what you eat. That's what everybody does. And he only does that every day.


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[Assistant] Maybe a pre, like the beginning of the month photo and a end of the month photo. That's a great idea. Maybe my weights, like what I weigh, beginning and the end of the month.


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[Assistant] But if you're, you kinda know when you're in...


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[Assistant] You know, and also your body, like sometimes it's not the number that much as your body changing, you know? Yes. So, like for instance, Airy, he's not gonna lose a bunch of weight. He'll probably lose some, but his body will look different. You know, cause he's already a pretty lean guy.


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[Assistant] But, uh, Brent will probably drop some real LBs.


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[Assistant] He looks wildly different in all his different styles. He'll do the shaved head, he'll do the...


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[Assistant] Mohawk, he'll do the, yea, the curls. Look at him there, the young Ari, yea.


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[Assistant] That's uh, that's Nadav's fuckin' uncle right there. I know. That's what you saw when you got up every day when you were a kid, huh?


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[Assistant] Dogs need their walk, right? I'm a dog. And then they kind of chill out.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying, you know, when I don't work out for a few days, you're always like, I think you should go work out because it really kicks out those.


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[Assistant] That's true. And sometimes when you don't take care of that, you end up doing something irrational.


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[Assistant] Yeah, not worth it. I've never heard somebody call it a fucking chit.


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[Assistant] Not even the struggle to resist has come up.


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[Assistant] You're on your own, or just with fucking that guy, I guess. I'm not joining you on the bus.


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[Assistant] This movie theater is a little different. That's the thrill when you're a teenager and stuff.


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[Assistant] You cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn and then you make her suck your dick through the...


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[Assistant] Yeah. This really, this is, I can't believe you're like, this is not a big deal.


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[Assistant] Towels, wipes, change of clothes, sunblock, the whole fuckin' nine. Oh stop it. Yes!


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[Assistant] Please. So, but the beach was easier. You didn't have to, you know, you just.


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[Assistant] Parked at this one place and you'd walk down and it's like, it's empty. It's pitch blackout. You get moonlight.


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[Assistant] Uh, interrupt at a park, parked at the park one time, police knocked on the window.


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[Assistant] Yeah, flashlight and you're like, what the fuck? Like that's, that's scary.


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[Assistant] Anywhere you can basically put a car is gonna, is a red flag. But like with the beach, the move was you would park somewhere and then you walk a pretty like, you know, substantial walk. Then you go on this boardwalk, then down to the beach. So you're kind of like.


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[Assistant] If you're like me and there is a foreign language that you regret not learning in school, it's never too late to start with Babbel. Babbel is the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions. Thanks to their addictively fun and easy bite-sized language lessons, you can finally cross learning that new language


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it's actually a much better system than the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Language learning apps. Because they actually endorse and employ like a real world way of using language. You actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] dot com slash mom for up to 55% off your subscription babble language for life


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[Assistant] Yeah, you keep bringing this up as if this wasn't thought about. We put a towel down, a big beach towel.


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[Assistant] I think you told me about this guy.


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[Assistant] Sure. If it's the summer guy you've told me about. That's a different summer guy.


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[Assistant] Oh, yeah. You'd finger and fuck too, you said. Later, later.


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[Assistant] Sure, yeaah. I'd be surprised if we don't stumble on somebody fucking when we get there.


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[Assistant] Well I know you could do it in a pinch, cause you're ready to do it on the fucking bus.


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[Assistant] And when that guy, we'll get on the bus. We'll fuck on the bus. That seems like something that a guy would be like, okay, and you'd be like, absolutely not.


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[Assistant] That any decent self-respect would be like, no, not the bus. That you're like, you know, what do you want me to do?


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[Assistant] On the goddamn butt. I mean, and they're also disgusting. City buses?


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[Assistant] What do you mean people are there like they shit themselves and they sit on the fucking seat and you're like, you're like, I got very limited time.


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[Assistant] I would take that dugout over the bus 10 out of 10 times.


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[Assistant] Yeah? Sorry, I don't remember how bummed you were when this news broke.


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[Assistant] Really? I mean, I'm not gonna go on like eight fucking dates, but I'd go see them once.


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[Assistant] I think they're definitely sticking to sobriety now.


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[Assistant] He's like, step into the bath and you're like, alright.


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[Assistant] Nobody. Nobody. That's you and your fucking gutter pigs on the bus. Ugh. I have standards. You're just a fucking homeless lady. You're under a bridge. You're like, this is cool too.


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[Assistant] I didn't put this in there. I don't know what this is. It just says rotting fish. That was fish? Yea, rotting fish in his like boat or something. Somebody forgot it in the boat I think. So now he's gotta like, try to empty everything out.


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[Assistant] He is, maybe for camera, but also that probably smells un. If you forgot about fish, one time I lost.


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[Assistant] Fish. Uh, I lost. I couldn't find, uh, the salmon. They got, you know, the drawer in the fridge. It got stuck in the slide. When I opened the door, I'm like, God damn, this smells. And I empty the fridge.


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[Assistant] I'm like, next day I go back. I'm like, it's still fucking, I emptied it and it was stuck in the drawer. And that was probably a few days. This is out in the sun. There's a thousand flies on it. God, I think he actually, this says he gives up. He was gonna.


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[Assistant] He can't do it. He's got two shirts and something wrapped around his face.


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[Assistant] How do you do it? It's like daily.


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[Assistant] 20 minutes. They look good. Let me see. Yeah, they look good.


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[Assistant] Thanks. Too much fluid consumption. I have to pee. I'm going to pee out of my eyes.


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[Assistant] Such a necessary potty break. Guys, guess what? The bus fuckers come into town. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] Where is it? Oh no, it is on the, uh, oh it's down there by Hollywood?


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[Assistant] I had no idea. What are you, are you doing a club there? Yeah, the improv. Oh, that's where it is now? Yeah. I didn't know that. That's where it spits. That is where it spits. It's right in there in, uh, Fart-Lowderdale.


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[Assistant] Go ahead. Oh, so you remember a little while ago, we were fascinated by this man who couldn't get over his hiccups. Then we found that there was a man who had hiccups for 68 years. So this was the original.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty wild. Thank God it was a woman.


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[Assistant] Well also, you could just get, you know, a bad cold and they'll be like, just let them die.


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[Assistant] For me, my lifestyle, you guys have seen me change. It's all because of my urine.


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[Assistant] And I encourage you to try it. Gargle it, bathe in it, drink it, cook with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your own, so if you can't get ahold of mine, I don't know if mine would help you, but your own will help you. It always does. It always does. So you know what we didn't talk about was about a couple of weeks ago, we went to pick up the, uh, the boys from school and we're sitting in the carpool lane and this funny fucking thing happened, right? This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a long line on a residential street to pull into school. It's very common, you know, all over the world, that pickup time. Well, I see the guy bust a U-turn, and I'm like, that's weird. And then...


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[Assistant] He just leaves his car in the middle of the road.


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[Assistant] And the line, like we're in the line and there's, you know, 25 cars behind us, but he's up there in the middle of the road. I'm like, what's he doing? And as it gets closer for like the school to open up, it hits me that this guy's going to cut in the line, you know? And I assume it's a woman. You did. I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see the car inching and I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. And so when the cars start to move, I get out of the car.


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[Assistant] And first I go to the cards in front of me and I go, hey, the line is moving.


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[Assistant] You gotta fucking go, you know? And she was like, oh, I don't know. That was a woman. And then.


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[Assistant] We pull in, and you said you're gonna say something to him, aren't you? And I go, fuck yeah. I'm gonna say something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I get out, uh, we pull in and as the cars are slowing, some are slowing down, I see the window of time because he's going to pull up. So I jump out of the car and I walk over to his window and I just go, Hey, did you not see all of us behind you? And he's like, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, you do not see everybody behind you? And he did this whole thing where he was like, he started to like, he's like, all of you behind me. I go out there on the street. I go, you cut off like 30 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, oh, I saw, cause he saw, he said he saw a work truck.


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[Assistant] He's like, I knew the work truck wasn't in the line. So I just went in front of the work truck. I go, well, the work truck was in front of all of us. Fuckhead. So, and he was, he was like, I apologize. I was like, yeah, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got him good at the end though. I did. I said, nice of your wife to lend you her car. And I walked back to my car.


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[Assistant] No, you're right, you're right. It's also, you know what it's great for as you get older, you learn this stuff? When to turn down things.


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[Assistant] That doesn't, you know, a long time. I feel like 20, 30 years are spent just being like.


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[Assistant] What are you doing? Okay, like you go to things and you're like, I don't want to be here. And I finally, you know, recently, it's not just right now, but I would say in the last few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any scenario that is pitched to me that I'm like, Oh, I know I won't enjoy that. I immediately just go, Oh, I'm not going to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what my nightmare scenario always is? This sounds really crazy, but I see people out on the lake here and I imagine being a passenger on somebody else's boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, you're just out, you're at their mercy of when this outing ends. Nothing makes me crazier. I mean, crazier than the idea that I would be like, all right, what's up? And they're like, well, now we're going to sit out here. Like for how long? They're like, I don't know today. We'll just spend the day out here. I'd be like, do you have a life vest?


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[Assistant] Cause I'm going to swim to the shore right now. You know, it just absolutely makes me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, we're floating the river. You're taking your friends out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about the person's like, meet me, meet me at this doc. And you're like, okay. And then it's like, right away, my thought is like, when are we coming back? And they'll be like, when the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have to- Do your thing. Do a thing. Stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff like that, we'll, we'll, we'll be right back. We will be back. This is not the end of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I find them nauseating. You gotta eat them like after you've eaten. When I take them on an empty stomach, I always regret it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I should really get back on my vitamin supplement game. It really f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I go so hard that I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could have, definitely could have slept more today, but I wanted to work out before we came here, because I knew it would be terrible after this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you find that the more that you're doing this thing, the more you actually go, like, I don't really want that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not a fucking dumb drunk walking around asking people what kind of cheese they like, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like fuckin' parmesan in a fuckin' box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's a big thing for most people is, oh my god, uh, what am I doing? And then maturity and wisdom, you know, growing up, I think as people get older, they just go, this is the way I am. Like I accept so many things about myself now that I'm just, I'm just wired this way, you know? Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You can get out of here. You remind me of this lady.


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[Assistant] So many social issues. Blue lives matter, so does mine, my uterus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's still, it's still absolutely insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Uhm, that the, uh, what's it called? The soccer stars, you know, their followings compared to let's say a football, like Tom Brady or something. It is 10 times the amount. Really? Look at, uhm, Cristiano Ronaldo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, how about Messi? How about Leo, uh, Leo Messi?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I bet this Instagram is also crazy as shit. Messy's gotta be nuts too. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, he's, I mean, he's a, he's a phenomenal player. He's probably arguably the greatest quarterback of all time. He's in commercials. Everybody knows his name. Everybody knows his name. I know his name. Of course. 12 million, which is obviously substantial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy, again, he's still, he's still fucking so handsome. He's been retired for, I don't know how many years now. Yeah. 75 million followers.


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[Assistant] Is every woman looking at him? Yeaah. Yes. All the time. Yes, they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousand percent. Every woman that talks to him is not interested in anything but one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not like, oh look, he's aging. He still looks fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand, but I'm at, you say he is a movie star, he's probably the world's biggest movie star. That's not a ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out of here. You saw that guy at the grocery store, he'd be like, Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I actually feel like if you didn't know who that was at all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he doesn't even give a fuck how his body looks like that. He doesn't care, and guess what? He's never gonna care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like in his mid forties, late forties. He doesn't, he's like, do you realize how much, like, I bring to the table? My face is fine. My body's not great. I'm the world's biggest movie star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you have a type, and it's basically not that good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he looks fine. Like a normal guy. I don't think you would even for a second remember that face if you didn't know his work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the grocery store, you think you'd be like, you know, that guy, no, you would just be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a guy weighing apples. You wouldn't register it. But to you, now you're acting like you would. Please, get the fuck outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a kid, it was like, Nicole Eggert, wasn't that her name? Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not a basic bitch. She's a fucking eleven. Get out of here. She looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the SI before they had fuckin' offensive linemen on the cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, the, the, the supermodels of those days. That's, that's, that's what informed my, uh, blood into my penis. Elle McPherson more though, more than, than Cathy. Again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean when you're fucking 13 and you see this, it changes your whole life.


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[Assistant] I thought she was unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Drop that bitch. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But again, you, when you talk about the pressure, the pressure to imagine the pressure to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then as he got older, he just let it go older. You know, he's an older man, you know, seventies and eighties now, but, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was also like, hey, this is, you signed up for the movie star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but he was a, he was a 10 in his earlier, a 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. This guy? Stunning. Ugh. He fucks you on top of the bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the driver asks for permission to keep driving. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably was, uh, three seconds later he pulled his dick out and some fuckin' chick on set came over and worked it out for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just life. They said too, they had, you know, I saw an interview with one of his friends, a lady friend, talking about his weight and she was like, yeah, he never indulged in alcohol. He never indulged in drugs. She goes, he just liked food. So he got older whenever he coped with anything he just ate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for their, their safety and yours and whatever, till they situate, they can detain you, I guess, you know. Cool. But she's not under arrest. I guess, I think if this video continued, she'd probably be under arrest. That was it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it seems to me that she probably provokes quite often and yeah, that was a wellness check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a wellness, I did a number of wellness checks. What do you mean? I did, I've done a number of ride alongs with the police, different cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of, and then they, you know, they like to get you outside and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Better know by his stage name, Sipo? I don't know what his real name. Lee Singer from the band Republic. When going on the side of the road, one can hear an approximately 30 second snippet of their song. Like, if you're going the right speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just want to keep people like this. Is it anything else? Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool stuff. You know, we were talking about, uhm, last week with Matt that, uhm, you know, the pop stars, they just fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on tour, we've done some amphitheaters, and right before we got to, I think Cedar Rapids, they were like, there's weather coming, we might have to cancel, and I was like, fucking hooray. I cannot wait until you tell me we have to cancel the show. You mean we get tonight off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what I hate about actors too. It's like, you know, you hang out, I've hung out with actors and like this kind of shit. The people around them go like, they really like encourage it. And you just want to go, are you fucking for real right now? Like, is this a real thing? And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every actor that I befriended, I couldn't wait for the day that we were not friends anymore. Really? Yeah, they're the worst. I'm talking about these full-time fucking lunatics, you know? I know. But basically, if you become a pop star, you're basically an actor. Yeah. You know, that's what it is. It's not about your music. It's about the show you put on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, when you're talking, I'm talking, this is a superstar, there's these no-name bitches that do this kind of shit too about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they fucking cry. And then like all the friends are like, it's okay, it's okay. And you're in these, I mean, I remember getting to LA and being in these social circles for the first time with actors and being like, holy shit. I think it's part of why I gravitated so hard to comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucking 30 minutes in, you're like, I feel like I know this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your comics comics, you know, like those people, they're, they're usually like, they're just clear who they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this person, three years, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with him. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could not be less interested in a human being. Same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the same feeling about most actors. If you tell me like, you know this actor, I go, I could not be less interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but he's not from that school of act. He's from like, he's an old school real guy. He was a carpenter until he was fucking 42. Yeah, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why he's like, you see it, he's just like, he's just like a regular guy. Cause he actually lived a regular guy life for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that he went from like, I'm here to hammer this into the wall to the biggest star. That run is probably seven to 10 years of just, then a few years it didn't and then the fugitive comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. He landed one on a golf course in LA. He seems like a cool motherfucker. He's like, I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember, uhm, thank you for watching and for listening, but also please remember that Chromatica is forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He didn't like it though. He didn't like it. He didn't like it. What was it? They said it was a sloth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is for you, American men, mainly middle age and older. Those of you men who are single, tired of being alone, tired of being not just rejected by American women, but not even noticed, not even seen, not even acknowledged, tired of feeling like a nobody,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like by engaging in the gift economy, by starting a local time bank, buy nothing group, or offers a needs market. Reduce your consumption of things and energy. The less you consume, the less you support the system. Redefine rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find ways off Wall Street to build financial resilience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't go. Because I'm like Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when the rain sort of stopped there was lightning that was striking right down to the ground


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So close to us and I know that for a really long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always wanted to be like, that hardcore bad bitch, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am healthy and it's a healthy decision for all of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other videos I've talked about things I like to smell, things I like to hear, and now it's time to talk about things I like to touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dice? Dice are cool to touch. First off, whatever they're made out of, it's a neat material. I'm not quite sure what the heck that is. But then you can feel the numbers on them and stuff, little holes and everything. I like them. I like gambling sometimes, right? You sit down at a blackjack table or a craps table, you feel the felt on the table. That's always nice to touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing better than touching a nice big stack of 20s, right? Fresh out of the ATM? Those crispy bills? You can't even bend them yet. I love those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, if that's what happens. It's a mess. It gets everywhere, but it's so soft and just feels so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flowers outside are nice to touch too, right? Like a rose, for example, is tremendous when it's all big and fluffy and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the wintertime, right? A nice comfy sweater? Just to feel it. Mmm, it's so good and so big and soft and good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fate of blue jeans are nice to touch, right? I mean, brand new jeans, not so much, but I've been having them for a while and they've been in the wash a couple hundred times. Oh, so soft and good. And the best part about doing laundry, right, is taking clothes out of the dryer. It's so nice and warm, especially on a cold day and then folding them up. Sometimes animals are nice, right? There's like a rabbit, a little bunny rabbit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So soft the fur. Or, you know what else, like a kitty. Like a little kitten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another thing I really enjoy is like, with my feet to touch stuff, like to walk on the beach. I love to feel sand on my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's close. It's definitely one of my fat eras. At the end of, at the end of this tour. Tours will do it. The dude, the tour. Well, I am, I was much, I was in much worse shape at the end of the last tour. At the end, I took a summer break, and I couldn't even like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm stronger now because I've been working out the whole time, but my diet hasn't been good. So I'm in like, I'm in like bouncer mode right now, where I'm like fat as shit, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pumped, dude. This is like, I was sober going into the special, so the last two days I've just been getting fucked up and eating like shit, having tacos, you know, so many tacos. This is the place to do it. Yeah, so it's nice. I'm hurting. I always have a celebratory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Well that's the, that was the hard thing about this. This, I had to do it here because like some scheduling shit. And two weeks out I was like, wait, this is the fattest I've been in years. So it's like, it's like I had to go to a, I had to go to like get the shirts custom made. Yeah. Cause I was like, it's hard to, when you're fat as shit to get shirts that look good. Oh yeah. And so the shirts are great, but that was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I, you right now, it's like, I feel like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting, where every day I'm like, it's the opposite, it's not one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Matt Damon's gone, it's like I check in everyday to make sure you're not fat again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was pretty aggressive. I just, uhm, and basically since the pandemic ended, it's been, I've had a couple breaks here and there, but even when I was like, oh, I'll have a break, it's like, it always, two months would always end up being like two weeks off. You know what I mean? Like, things would be like, oh, this opportunity, this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm just like, it's not happening. The only thing I added in July, because I want to do it, is I'm doing Burt's, doing a weekend with Burt. Oh, at the Fully Loaded? With Fully Loaded, which will be fucking sick. That'll be fun. I can't wait for that, but that's the only thing I'm like, nothing else, I'm not doing anything. Yeah. I gotta get fucking jazzed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ain't happening before that. This is my time of debauchery. Which is so funny because I was like, I was sober.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a little tequila boy. I'll just have a tequila soda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I'm, I just like to have a little bit of, I'll try whatever kind of tequila, but I'm also not a huge drinker myself. I'm, weed is always, weed's my problem. I get way too fucking, way too fucked up and just like, we'll just have a great time. Like we were doing mushrooms by the pool and just getting, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoking weed, and it was like, I was like, this is the best day of my life. Yeah. I was like, I've never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually do like lifting weights. I won't do cardio. Yea. Like, but that's, I've tricked my brain enough to be like, it's cool to just, you know, be, have big ass arms and big arms, little titties is what I'm trying to get to. That's the fucking myth. That's hot dude. Big arms, little titties, and a dick. Yea, big arms, little titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got, if someone's a real team player, she'll really do a bang up job sucking your dick. If it's soft. They'll be like, look, this isn't going to penetrate me. Here's the other thing. I'm sort of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way I've, it's kind of been good for me fucking, since dick pills have come around, because I feel like Daredevil. You know how he got fucking good as shit at everything but seeing? Like, I mean, I mean pussy the way he like hears. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has, it's not too far from that. What I'll say is if you over, if you take too many dick pills, your dick starts becoming more of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the second one, there was no nut coming out for nothing. I couldn't. It was just one of those things where I'm like beating off. I'm like, yeah, no, give me a sec. We've just been beating off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a certain point her posture changes, she stops acting hot. It's just like, uh, I had to, but yea, so that can be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. If for science, you guys find me a really cute guy, who's like, femme. Hey, you guys are out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a he-they. Make it happen. You know what I mean? Like, but it's gotta be a guy. We can't go non-binary. That's cheating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy? It's not, although it is queer, that's a fun...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They them is like, you know, that's, but that's not, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking full homosexual. Homosexual. So we need someone who identifies as a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm willing to fuck. For science, no dick pills. You find somebody cute enough that I approve. I'm willing to try and fuck them and we'll see if my dick gets hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of control. Yeah. But see, also there's another thing of like nerves, like I'm a very nervous guy when it comes to, you know, I've gotten over it, but definitely in the beginning I was pretty nervous, and now if I like a woman, it's actually the first time we fuck, my dick will probably not be at full mass. That's a scare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the irony is the one time I was in a good relationship, it was like a week before we broke up, but it was like right before we were riding that high, my dick got hard from love. So hard from love. There you go. So it's not ED. Oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just realized I might be able to show you guys something. Really? What? I just thought about the fun- the funniest-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Video I've ever seen in my life. It's called two straight buds. D.P. a blow up doll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a high five. In my head there was a high five. But yea, just two straight buds, man. That was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No more recipes, yeaah. He was a finalist for Food Network's Next All-Star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eating was really, in a crazy way, not as bad as how fast he shit. Yeaah. If he could shit in a, if he shit in a norm, cause you know what it was? He was so excited to get his shit out so he could eat it. Yeaah. It was like, shitting, it was like glee. Yeaah. And I didn't know you were an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my get out of jail free card. Sorry, my ex hit me up. I have to try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the fact that she brought that out on a guy she just bumped into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He brings up building stuff. I don't know. You offered to do free work or something like that, or did he say he hit her car and they should exchange information? It's a good guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, arresting about this video is a jealousy of this man surrendering to your most base wings. He's free in a way. Exactly. He's free when you, when you've, uh, shed yourself of the worry of humiliation. Yes. You're the most, he, if he actually just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He put his heart out there. And you know what, it didn't work out with Julia, but maybe he found, he's gonna find his wife that way. You're telling me there's not some bitch with way too big hair. You know what I mean? Like, where is this, Jersey or something? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. But you also should know better at this age that that's not true. That you really would like to fuck this lady, and who knows what the next, after that is when you get a little moment of clarity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, wait, am I horrified that she's still here? Now that I've busted? No? Hey, maybe I do love her. And that's where you go from there, but you can't tell in the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's talking, he's taking like, yea, he's talking, he's stealing like black culture, but he's Italian in Utah. What, what is he, what's the vibe and who is he trying to fuck? Is the other thing. Everybody. I guess everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who have to begrudgingly, like, capture how horny they are on camera. He loves being in front of the camera. Being horny is almost secondary to performance here, which is very interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, exactly. There's not, like, the other, you know, Norman, you can tell that guy's getting a true sexual thrill out of his fat tits, right? Yeah. But I don't know if this guy, you could, you could tell, like, I could imagine Norman getting like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, porn star level sex. Ever since I was a teenager, I worked as an exotic dancer for a long time. I used to have long red hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been on the cover of romance novels and I've also been gifted with great hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I once wrote a book called The Extension of the Female Oriasm. I lost it in an old computer. But, leanless to say, I can make things happen with the human body. I'm kinda lucky downstairs, and I've done the work. There's pumps and stuff that can make your ding-ding thicker and longer, but mainly, I've been gifted with the willingness to listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When women give you guidance and you're willing to listen, there's no limit to what you can do. I once provided thousands of orgasms over a five-year period without ejaculating a single time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Mantak Chia's Microcosmic Orbital Energy Raising. It's a Taoist lovemaking technique where you don't release your seed. You put all your vital energies back into you and spiral your electric body to create a powerful connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too powerful, honestly. It needs to be disclosed, because most people don't even realize you can take sex way deeper into an abyss of orgasmic pleasure. It's intergalactic, if you do it properly. But there's a dark side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I went to somebody's house that I hadn't seen for two years. We were just having dinner. But then I go to the bathroom and I open the vanity mirror. Which I know I shouldn't do. But I did and there's an altar to me. With all these pictures of different characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to learn that I was hurting people emotionally, spiritually and even physically. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll have this bitch buying tea candles and an 8x10 glossy headshot of me. Imagine having the perfect steak at your favorite restaurant, then eating nothing but dirty sock soup for the rest of your life. I never wanted to hurt people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to be a better person. And part of being a better person is to put the other person's feelings first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I tell people right from the start, the complete honest truth, you're an amazing person and enchantingly beautiful, but I'd rather just be friends instead of having amazing sex that is probably gonna make you hate me. That's out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guys, that, this is legit. What are some of the comments?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is fucking wild. I can't beli- and yeah, that look. What happened here with this fucking guy? He said he used to be a- he used to be a stripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen and heard of this dude, not in the sexual way, but in a decent way, in a decent guy. He has an animal rescue organization, and always downtown with like eight or nine dogs, would have never known his name on Insta's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not our guy. Wait, he's got a hat. That's him? He's got the tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might actually be that good af. That's him. That's him. And he's got a, look, the guy's jack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably, and if he's got a heart, big ass dick, and he loves animals and like buddhism and shit, or daoism, whatever the fuck that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is there a sinister part to Rex K-9 Rescue? Is this how he stays good friends with all these women by fucking all these German shepherds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there is something too. Also, the type of person who makes an altar, maybe we're talking about a fat Wiccan-type bitch. Yea. You know what I mean? Like, we gotta worry a little more. Yeah, he's just getting ready for it right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the other- I was gonna say the misogynist spin on this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you're training dogs, you're probably, you're probably sexually trained. Yes, I agree. You treat women like dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think about this guy? I think he bangs through the whole scale. I think he goes 1 through 10, and probably pretty evenly distributed. You're probably right, but I'm saying 5 and below is who makes Shrine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But also here's another thing, really hot, cause there is a beauty to this guy that he just is who he is, right? He's not putting on airs. There's no desperation. He's not doing any hello, Julius. This guy's like, hello, I'd love to take you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's like, this guy legitimately has gotten to the point in his life where a beautiful woman starts talking to him, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't fuck you. Even if she hasn't brought it up. He's already thinking like, she's gonna be sad when I tell her I can't fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's where he is in his head. And so I think if you come at someone with that kind of level of, even if it's unearned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually am fully, I'm fully of, uh, I'm on this guy's side actually now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. No joke. Respect. Rex has won me fully over. You're a big Rex fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true, we didn't even get into that. He can fuck you into a different dimension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he didn't nut for five years! See that's the thing, this guy has this kind of discipline. I don't think he's lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he actually didn't nut for five years or whatever the fuck he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. At least for a long time. Longer than I've ever not nutted, I'll tell you that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this is, don't get me wrong, one of the most insane things I've ever read in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fact that he's like, yeah, I wrote a book I lost in a computer. I wrote a book about making girls bust. And it's gone in the computer. It's in an old computer somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love this. There's nothing? No Google Drive? No nothing, Rex? Oh, I need to read that. It's crazy. Uhm, it's called Montag Chia's Microcosmic Orbital. Is that anything? Can we Google that? We know that. Cause we know a guy who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be awesome. That's like Yoda being good at lightsabers. You'd never think Yoda is a mighty warrior. This guy probably can make you bust in ways you haven't even dreamed of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with the sharpening of my knife, I love it in theory, but I just have such a hard time sticking to a routine. So I think I would do it probably for three days, and then I would just get bored. Like I just started brushing my teeth at thirty. Like when I turned thirty-one is when I started brushing my teeth. So it's been like the last three years of my life. When I lost my tooth, I was like, I should start taking care of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's been- That's wild. I just started flossing this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do now, no I do now. When I was in my twenties I would do them like, every couple times a week. You know what I mean? Yea, my teeth were fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but there was definitely times where it's like, this guy's not doing shit. You know what I mean? Where it was like, the only time we'd ever really go is like if somebody got their teeth knocked out or, and when your parents are so overworked, they don't have time to be like, they would say brush your teeth and you'd be like, okay. We used to be like no, and then my mom would make us brush our teeth and then I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I already did. She'd be like, okay, good. Cause she's working two jobs, you know. So yeah, when I turned 30 years old is when I started brushing my teeth. So that's why I don't think I can commit to sharpening the knife every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's like, you know, things I have to work on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'd love, I'd love if somebody could do it for me. Like if I had a massage therapist come in and sharpen my knife. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're going to, can we pull it up, fellas? Cause I don't fucking remember. Uh, but I have a couple, so it starts actually in London. I'm going to be in London and Amsterdam in September. Uh, and then after that we're in Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baltimore, craziest thing in my life, I sold out so many at the Lyric, which is where I saw Chris Rock perform as a kid. I can't believe it. Holy shit dude! Nice! It's insane, yea, we sold out four so far. That's amazing. Uh, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Philly, Orlando, Tampa. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Uh, Milwaukee, Kansas, all the stuff. And then we're ending the fall tour at the Beacon Theater in New York. Which is amazing too. Yeah. I can't, I mean, this is, this tour's crazy. The special was crazy, but please buy your tickets. About half the tickets are gone. I'd love to just sell this shit out and not have to worry about it. Um, but yeah. And then hopefully the special will come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the fall, right around the end of that tour, maybe in the middle of the tour, something like that. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I'm also my YouTube channel. If you guys just want to see more of me, I have, uh, I put up stand up all the time. I put a free crowd work special up there and then Stavi's World, the podcast, which is going good. Last time I was here, we were just starting it and it's been like six, seven months and it's going really well. So congrats. You're killing it, dude. It's amazing. We're big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People we've highlighted over the years, like cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To your mom's house. Another episode of your mom's house. Happy to be here. Coming to you from Austin Tejas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, got a lot to cover today. Also have a great guest coming in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never felt smarter because I am using the apps while I go to the bathroom to learn Italian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if there's a favorite thing to say, cause I'm, I'm still in the, um, like re-listening, reading, and typing thing, you know? So I'm not actually saying that. That, that's going to help a lot, but you know, and it's also, there's like these similarities, there's Latin roots, obviously to all of those, uh, languages. And then there's things that are like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very similar, like, cena in Spanish is dinner, and it's cena in Italian. You know, then there's things, colazione is breakfast, which is totally different, right? Desayuno is breakfast. Uh, chibo is food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, it's just, it's fun. They make it fun to practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, it just sounds like prettier Spanish. Sing along Spanish is what it sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They teach you like a child. That's what you realize. To learn a language, you have to be prepared to speak like a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do, that's exactly, you go, I'm a dumb fucking three year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I've been, you know, I've been doing it between shows. Great. Usually you're on your phone scrolling dumb shit and I'm sitting here doing Italian stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and I figure, you know, I'll do this for a while, get my Italian up to a certain level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then go over and see those greasy wops in person and see, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I mean, would it... When you want someone to buzz off. Buzz off. Cling to their own cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. Coglione is testicle. This is best reserved for a dummy or a doofus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dito en el culo, if someone has a finger in your butt, it means they're in real pain. Why are you such a dito en el culo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to, uh, snub someone for being full of it, in Briglioni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dishonored dead ancestors. That's when they, this is when the foreign languages get so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shit on everyone in your lineage. That's dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the Spanish standups? I would talk about how much better their insults are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to call someone stupid or naive, and in a very patronizing way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Va in my lord, go toward ruin. Oh my god. It's very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go fuck your dead family members. That's a really good one. This is a nuclear option.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, is it chi or ki? See, that's the part that gets in your head when you do Spanish, English and Italian. I forget now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Italian it's like double C's. I think it's chi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Hey! Cappuccino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it not made meatballs left for nobody? Is it not pasta? Is it sacri-mammie titties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's play our opening clip, okay? Is that better? Let's go, you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's most people. Fuck. Very few people know to calmly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's uh, he's obviously experienced and he got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doc I watched about the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a phenomenal doc. I think you can see it on Disney. We talked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The panic you feel watching that thing is like, even though you know how it ended up, you're like, when you see them in these caves, these dark caves, and they're like swimming into little gaps, you're like, oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The craziest thing about that story that's high risk, you think if you haven't heard it or you don't know, is that the people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who were the highest level that actually ended up, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So even like the military, you know, see like the dive teams and everything, like they're Thai Navy SEALs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a hobby. You know what I mean? Yes. So they were like, uh, how do we do it? Like, and the people who were like, oh, I do this for fun. I swim in the caves for fun. That's who they reached out to that was able to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, they're British guys and they were like, no, it's a dog. It's fine.