[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I'm the only fucking guy in country music talking about guys blowing me. Getting so drunk that the dude, what I'm trying to do is obviously piss off Nashville and you know, I just really get off on pissing people off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kind of the point and what used to piss me off is I, cause I know a lot of these guys and then they'll press cut on the album and they'll be like, man, I got some fucking pussy last night. But I'm like, why are you saving the interesting shit for off, like record that? I mean, I know you got to pay for your butler and private planes and shit. I know they can't play that shit on the radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't it be nice if someone, cause the biggest genre in the world right now, in America I'm sure, by far is hip hop, cause those guys, and that stuff's hard X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one guy, uhm, that I talked shit about on the, on the song Poon, uh, actually texted me the other day saying that he was honored. Really? So I thought that was cool. Can we say who it is or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll say it. It's got Jake Owen, who is a big country star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I always like it when, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the, and I literally, I took the, uhm, iTunes country charts from that day that I was in the studio and I just made them all rhyme, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that gets me in trouble a lot too, which is, I fucking hate Garth Brooks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think his music is sh- and I- It is shit. And I could go on for an hour, but I think he's part- he's part of the reason country music got shitty. Yeah. Cause he was the first guy who kinda went pop. Yeah. And kinda took the country out of it. All this like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll have on Twitter, it's like, it's like a flashing letter G, G alert. And then you'll see him, you'll see him in his fucking, you know, his mansion, like it's a G alert. He's like, I don't know if I can tell you guys, it's like some top secret thing. So you're like waiting for like, you know, this big news, like, you know, he's retiring or whatever it is. And the G alert is that he's playing Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's, I don't know this much about his, I don't know the man, but he was married. To Trish. No, he was married before, but then does a duet with Trisha Yearwood, now he's married to Trisha Yearwood. So there's obviously a lot of shit he ain't singing about, right? That's the song we want to hear. Right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so that's why it gets, it's like, country music used to be about the truth, and now it's just a bunch of bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like your uncle trying out social media. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what people dig about me is, like if you look at my comments, it's all kinda like the Tom and Bert thing, it was just like, it was a lot of people just, you're fucking fat, you fuck you, so all my comments are just fans like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, me more than you, I would bet, because I got the band, the whole crew, and we're out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toronto's not on the way between Nashville and Chattanooga. We can't just go up to fucking- And they're like, well, add it, bitch. Yea, exactly. Alright. There's a guy who, uhm, on my, on my Facebook, and, uh, tell me if you guys have found, I've, I've, uh, Facebook is, is by far the meanest. I don't know why. I don't, yea, I think also that those, whatever is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think maybe Facebook are people who haven't moved on to the other things and they're still, maybe they're just bitter that they're still, but there's a guy who's just says, who's from England, just says, come to the UK, you fucking loser. And he's the first post, he's the first guy to comment on everything. Everything, every time you post, yeaah. So it's just, come to the UK, you fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll get a lot of those, just like, you know, just like, you know, how much does it cost for you to play my bachelor party? I'm like, talk to my fucking people, I don't know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, those were all, uhm, I wanted to, I mean those were all Nashville models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a couple of the girls complained that we showed their face. They did complain? Yea, but I think they only wanted to show their crotch and their leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I do get, I mean, if you were to go to my iTunes page, it's like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I can see how that's offensive to women, but to me it was, it wasn't, this is where I get in trouble because to me, I understand how that's misogynistic just because I'm just using them as letters, but to me it's just like, I thought it'd be cool to have them spell out my name. I wasn't thinking like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that girl actually, Instagram, she's like, her picture, she's like, I worked, she said, I worked hard for this, but it's really cool to see it, and she was excited about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a bummer that, you know, I spent that much time on the artwork that no one's gonna see. That's why I like to bring it. No, it's awesome, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One girl, one of the girls, her boob was poppin' out. We had to fix it in Photoshop, I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't, you didn't, uhm, get it figured out? No, because I don't, no, these, these girls, I don't know how they found five girls in Nashville who didn't know who the fuck I was, but I've never seen five girls that less interested in me than those girls. Really? Yeah. No, they, I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well, it's kind of what I sing about on the new record, the new one's called Old Wheeler, just because I feel like an old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, there's, there's, I'm a huge Waylon Jennings fan, and there was, and there's a Waylon album called Old Waylon, so I'm just like, all the, the old, um, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, really the album was just about my last year on the, it was like, and I was talking about it before, I'm just, I feel like I'm just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've considered myself, although you wouldn't tell it by the pussy king poster, like an old style southern gentleman, as much as a guy who sings pussy king can say that. And then it's like, you meet a girl and she'll just fucking text you or twat, you know, it's like, it's like, so weird for me, like, cause I'm at the age of when seeing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A naked girl and a playboy was the biggest fucking deal you could think of. I'm the same, yeaah. And now girls will send you like basically, you know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a grower, not a shower as they say. Cause I know Ari was in here before last week and he said he had enormous balls. I also feel like I'm a grower with my balls too, depending. Your balls grow, yea. I mean they don't actually grow, but they, you know, you could find me on the wrong day and it'll look like a fucking baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My new thing is trying to getting ready for this tour we got coming up. I've been like exercising and running. Like when I run my dicks like this, people can't see on the podcast. I'm holding two fingers very close. When I run my dick fucking shrivels up. So, but then someone wants a dick pic. I don't want to sit there for 10 hours getting ready and jacking off to look awesome. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also wanna see, I also wanna see the tits in the person too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm seeing somebody right now in Nashville who, uhm, do you know this podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's been a problem of mine and I'm super hyper focused on right now because a guy the other day tweeted me that I can't finish a complete, I was on Rogan and I didn't finish one complete sentence and now it's in my head so I'm, now I gotta, I'm talking all over the place but uh, I was on this podcast called uh, Guys We Fucked, do you know that podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did some promo in New York and they had, they had emailed my people last year, they wanted to use some of my songs in their podcast. I'm like, yeah, sounds good. Like next time you're in New York, just come do the podcast. And uhm, it's just this really, it's a really cool podcast where these two girls just talk like kinda nasty, you know, sex talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is almost like, you know, what guys do all the time, but they do it and it's really cool, I think. Empowering. To me that's empowering talking about, you know, they call it the anti-slut shaming podcast. And I went on it and I told a bunch of details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so, so if people saw me out in Nashville with this girl, they wouldn't be like, oh, I heard you talking about fuck stories with her. I thought I was protecting her and it actually was a double whammy. Number one, I was talking explicit shit about her. And also two, I was saying on a podcast that I wasn't seeing her anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, also, too, you get those, you forget how big these fucking podcasts, like, the reason I, and not to be rude to her, but I was just like, there's no way she's ever, I mean, there's eight million podcasts, why would she listen to this one? It makes sense that she's smart and she likes hearing girls talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think so, yeaah. Uhm, but yeaah, you should, uhm, I don't wanna plug, I'd rather plug my album than their podcast. Can we play some songs off of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's one thing, which is why I'm who I am, is my independence, which is, whether you want to play it or not, just to let you know, I own my masters, I own my song, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an important thing for me to own everything, so like, some kind of shitty comp, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so yea, probably a couple weeks from now, and I meant to text my manager to see what markets, it's weird to- Is there a site to buy tickets though? Yea, my website. Which is? WheelerWalkerJr.com. There you go. Then probably backslash tour, I think, for the tour dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, it's like, you know, what time you go on, it's like, I don't want, not only do I not, like, how fucking lazy are you, but like, also I want you to see the opening. Google it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White people pop music. Like the stuff that comes, if, if like, if after this, like if Tom played you Florida Georgia line, you would, and told you that was a hit country song, your mind would be fucking blown because it was like, it doesn't, it's just, it's new kids on the block.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just, it's just pop crap, which is, it's kind of, someone described the other day, I was, cause people are trying to, it's a big argument, which I don't really give that much of a shit about, but, you know, what is country music these days? And one of my friends,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her definition, which a friend told her was just country music is now defined as just whatever white people are listening to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a bad description, which is, they're actually taking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the old cliche about like whatever's cool in New York or LA is like gets to the south, you know, 10 years later. And it's true in music too, which is like a lot of these beats and a lot of those sounds, like it's kind of like hip hop from like 10 or 15 years ago. It's like, it sounds like fucking MC Hammer or Milli Vanilli. And it's fucking garbage. And so my thing was I'm going to play real country music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And since I'm playing real country, no one's gonna fucking play it anyway because they don't want real country. So I may as well not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sensor my, cause everyone would wanna sing dirty if they could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not really hate, but uhm, the worst artists are definitely Florida Georgia Line. There's this guy, Sam Hunt, who uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to get my words together, because all these people, by the way, now that I'm on the charts, they don't come after me, but they're people, you know, can you knock it off a little?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? They'll reach out about that? I've had a couple people reach out. None of these are these guys, but I've met these people. The problem is, they're not a problem, but they're not bad people, you know what I mean? They're like, like you probably have friends who are comics who are like super nice guys who aren't fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing his thing because I'm in town for the next week. I'm doing the punch drunk thing tomorrow. What's that? That's a sports podcast. That'll be fun. And I'm doing Kill Tony tonight. That's really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why I love doing this stuff is because radios pretty much ban me. Yeaah. And it's almost like a big fuck you to just fuck you, fuck this mainstream shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's the thing too, is I, uhm, and we talked about it before, I actually talked about it on Rogan, which is, and I've got the numbers to prove it, Rogan's bigger than SNL, if you're a musician. For sure. Like, people don't understand, like, I'm going through the back door. You know, like. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause when we put it out, I was like, fuck, you know, I can't get on the radio. And they won't even have me on the radio to interview me without even play or bleep it out. I'm just banned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Country is a big, country is a lot of people who have cassette players in their cars and listen to radio and go to Walmart to buy a CD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, but I heard a rumor that he wanted me to open a show, but I didn't- I don't know if it ever panned out. Really? That'd be- I mean, I know it didn't pan out, but I don't know if it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the other problem too is we couldn't really, we couldn't really tour until I could headline because no one would have me. No, I can't open for anybody because a lot of these countries, you know, like Toby, Toby Keith, it'd be parents and the two little girls or something. I can't sing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had an album called shock and y'all. Florida George mine just opened up a restaurant in Nashville, which is I can only imagine. I mean, if their foods, if their foods twice as good as their music, it's still shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing a, we're doing a pussy, pussy, I actually just reached out to the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, well, this one, this song especially, which is, you know, I was hearing all that, like I said, kind of shitty white boy rap on the radio. Let's do the old kind of like Jerry Reed kind of country funk shit. So you grew up, did you grow up in Nashville? I grew up in Kentucky, but my mom and all my family's from Nashville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get through it. Yeah, I need more stand them up. Cause the last tour I, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went a little too crazy and not a joke. I put myself in the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what happened was, I uhm, the tour ended in LA and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a secret, but I don't really give a shit anymore, which is we're doing a TV special. And uhm, touring in LA, I had some meetings about this Wheelie Walker Jr. TV special, and we were in this big fancy Hollywood building, wherever it was, Beverly Hills, and the tour ended the night before, and I barfed on myself in the fucking meeting with all these suits there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cool, yeaah, cause it was, it was really, so what happened was I called, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called my family and just like, you know, I'm sick, so maybe leave me alone for a couple days. And I went back to the hotel and 48 hours later, or no, I think it was 24 hours later, I heard banging on my door and they were about to break down the door. They had the tour manager come over and they hadn't heard from me for twice. What happened was I passed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think too, I was, from my friends I'm talking about, I think there was, although I don't want to admit it, probably a mental, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you hear about those fuckers, like let's say Garth Brooks for example, who I heard, and I can't say this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Someone told me, you know, he has a Vegas residency, but he wants to sleep at home. So he walks out of the gig and gets on a private plane and they fly him back to wherever he lives. He doesn't sleep


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's artists at that level now, you know, which, fair to say I'm pretty fucking far from that, who do tours where they just sleep in their own place every night. But that would be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's the only, sometimes those are the, like, I'll get it like a, you know, a bachelor party or some weird private party that'll pay for the rest of the tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we actually, not to act too diva, but we do have to have my people tell him like, you know, he ain't going to the titty bar with you afterwards. I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You're not buying my friendship. Right. Uhm, cause that's too expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because what I was going to say before was when I had the first record and I was kind of shopping around, I did meet at Capital Records. It didn't take the, nothing against them, but it would have been the completely wrong place to do it because they don't know how to market it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their thing is go to radio, go to MTV, all the shit I couldn't do. But it was nice to meet with me, nice dudes, but I was in the lobby. In the lobby they had, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy's got more, he played, uh, uh, Rupp Arena, which is a big arena where I, my hometown. That's 23,000. He played two sold out shows there in one night. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's also, don't forget, he's, he's actually not, I mean, he still sells tickets like a motherfucker, but he's also not adapting well to this new world. You know, his shit's not on iTunes, it's not on Spotify. He thinks it's a ripoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I don't know what the specific things are, he's like, he wanted iTunes, what I heard was, he wanted iTunes to not sell, have the ability, he's like, their albums are pieces of work, you can't, I don't want you to be able to sell single tracks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually tried to, uh, this is how dumb he is, he, he, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had built a website where he actually, I'm making the term up, but instead of MP3s they were like Garth P3s, but I'm making that up. GP3s? Yeah, GP. He invented his own format. What? And had his fans buy it just directly from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now if you, a lot of these videos here, these stupid shit, there's, you see Amazon logos behind them? Oh, okay. It's cause he's only, he finally, like, we're talking about a guy who got into the digital music world like three months ago. Yeah, literally. We'll like that video we were playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And his new albums don't sell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll bet he was just like, I'll bet whoever runs this shit is just like 23,000. Like that's not even worth our time. So he's like, we'll do two. Cause some friends of mine went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they said like the, you know, the stairway, it's like, it's got, it was like congested cause people leaving and coming in. And he does a long show too. He's like, the shows were 23,000 people, two sold out shows, one 631, nine 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy birthday to G. So give him, give them the money. Yea man. Right. Chop it up. Right. Yea, it's like, yea. He's the one really doing the work. The lighting man gets 30% now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel like country music nowadays is almost underground music? Like the big stars aren't like the real world big stars, but they fill, they fucking pack arenas wherever they go. But like these guys wouldn't hold a candle fame wise to like a Kim Kardashian or a Kanye or any of these guys, you know, it's like they're not in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'll bet Garth Brooks is 20, literally 20, 50 times bigger than Lady Gaga. But Lady Gaga's in the news all the, you know. Look how white his teeth are. Those look good. But like, if Garth Brooks has had all those diamond records, I mean, Gaga, Katy Perry, they've never had even half that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, to me he was kind of the turning point when everything turned, cause remember they used to hook his fat ass up to those fucking wires and he would fly through the arena? Cause that's not, like, Willie Nelson never did that shit, you know, he tried to turn it into Bon Jovi. So to me he was the first one to kind of turn country into sellout music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a weird way, I mean now, compared to the shit that's out there now, he sounds like fucking Woody Guthrie, you know? He sounds like, you know, he sounds old school compared to what's out there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the time, I just remember being in high school in Kentucky and like, you'd walk into a room and the teachers and the kids together were singing Friends in Low Places, like it was like Glee or something. Like, it was the biggest fucking song in the world. And I remember just hating those fucking songs. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to interrupt, but like, look at that row of women. Why is she the star? You know, is her voice better than the rest of those girls? Probably not, but you can tell by the faces which one gets to be the star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love that. I'm really trying, that's what I, getting on the charts is a big deal for me because I like be, like, I like knowing that someone like that's manager had to get up on Monday morning and go, you're number 11. Well, I'm not in the top 10, who's number 10? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't tell her, you know. Fuck, you know. So, but I will say in fairness, there's a lot of kind of big country artists who are fans and who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you haven't seen it, I always recommend this movie, uh, this documentary, the Dixie Chicks, I forget the title of the documentary, but when they got banned from country music, like, they're still gone from country music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what they're saying is what everyone now agrees with and they still can't come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, why don't I play, here's what I want to play because, well I want to preface it by saying something. I don't know if you guys knew this, it's kind of a big deal. I blew up on black Twitter two weeks ago, you know what that is? Oh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have a song from the first record called Fuck You Bitch. Yeah. And somebody from the people who make my records call me up like, what's going on with your first record? Cause the new one just came out, like why is your first record selling a bunch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He posted my, he posted fuck you bitch and it got like 200 million views. Wow. And it was, and that song from the first record went back up the charts after, while my new one was coming out. So I wanna, I know you had a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when my first album was in the top 10, a Gibson rep called, so a friend of mine introduced me to someone named Gibson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We often need to picture me and Tom together, so people will know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always playing music and then uhm, so I was always playing and I always, and I was more of a rock guy to be honest. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for some reason, when I played and sang, I could always sing better. I sounded more natural when I played country. I couldn't, I didn't have a good rock voice. Yea. And I didn't really, I wasn't like a killer like guitar, I had nothing to offer really for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, I love Zeppelin, but there's nothing, like, I can't be Robert Klein, I can't be Jimmy Page, but I could kind of hold my, I could hold my own within the country stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, they called me, they said, if you only play Gibson guitars, we'll give you all the Gibsons you want. And I go, that sounds like a fucking, cause Gibson, Gibson and Martin are the two best acoustics. It's like Mercedes, BMW, it doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was actually playing a Martin at the time and I go, I told him I had a Martin there, just like, keep it in your house and don't play it in public and we're fine. I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't make me bash it or throw it away. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was really cool of them. Every time I get this thing out, I'm still amazed that they made this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say we're done, you packed up your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really over. Said you've had enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate that because that was kind of my whole point, which is, you know, you get dumped by a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, if whether it's your fault or not, let's just assume it was my fault when she dumped me, like I was being an asshole. Your first thought is like, oh fuck you, but you know, it's like in your head, it's not like women are bitches, you know, but it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I grew up, you know, with country, but I also grew up with, you know, the hip hop world was out there. It's like, why can't we talk openly and, and uncensored about if I, if I'm feeling that a million other people got to be feeling it. So just, so just why, why censor it when we.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've had all this fun on podcasts, I started doing a podcast, and it's, we're still working out the kinks, but it's up on iTunes and shit, but I did interview my dad on it, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't love it. I did play, uh, they came to a couple, they came to a couple Nashville gigs, and uhm, I'll tell you what's fucking weird, a whole big audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Singing along to fuck you bitch. While your mom, cause I got my shades on, you know, and I can see my, I'm watch, all I'm watching is my mom. I'm looking down like she can't, so she can't tell. And I'm just watching my mama, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's, she's got a weird, I've never seen her face, she's never made this face before or since, but the face was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a weird mix of like, I'm proud that, you know, there's a whole giant room of people singing along mixed with what did I do wrong to make him sing like this? And she's watching them go to the merch booth buying t-shirts and shit. So I've never seen so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it ain't built a house yet, and that, uhm, once I buy them a house, maybe it'll be better, but I will say, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, if my songs were like, like she gets it, you know, it'd be different if I had a hit song with, you know, like, women are cunts or just, you know, something like that, you know, just like, my mom's got a hairy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that you got YouTube and streaming services, like, why do I, why can't, fuck the, why do I need to keep it living true?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you, do you want to hear the origin of that song? Yeah. I was hanging out with a buddy of mine in, uhm, in Nashville and he writes kind of hit songs for country artists. Yep. And, uh, he was saying this one big star whose I can't name was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was talking about, you know, these young girls on the road, kind of what I'm singing about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you know, but these young girls, they don't know what they're doing. He's like, sometimes you just want to finger up your ass. And everyone in the room's laughing and I'm the only one who's looking. I'm like, that's a song. You know, like a guy who's just like, he can get any girl he wants, but uhm, but he really, but what he wants is a finger up his fuck. You know, you can never get what you want. Like this dude just can only get off with a finger up his ass. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I guess I'm the only guy in country music who would say that's a song right there, but I think they're definitely, although they don't want to bring it up, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because if you want to know the truth, which is I even, I've heard people say that they actually enjoy, like, you know, the doctor, like, I fucking hate, like, I'm the opposite. Oh, the checkup? Yeah, no, I don't think that's pleasurable. I know people who say they fucking dug it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think the bigger idea was again, not the specific part of it, but just the idea of just like the weird shit people are into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the best part is all the, you know, the dudes with the backward baseball hats singing, cause we end the show with which one of you queers is going to suck my dick. And watching a whole crowd of just like, dude, just like scream that at me. It's like, what are they going to do with the energy? Are they going to go home and blow each other? I don't even know. I think that's what's going to happen. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have noticed as the crowd's expanding more, we're definitely seeing more women and more diverse crowd cause those first


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially the first dates on that first tour, it was just me, it was just sausage, I mean it was just dudes, which, you can't really put out shit like this and complain when it's all dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it is I think is now, I think it's like a liberating, it's like I work all fucking week and then it's Friday night, I'm gonna get drunk and listen to these fucking, and I'm gonna, it's good music, I'm gonna dance and sing about pussy. And there's songs, listen, I mentioned plenty of dicks and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My manager was going to text and see which shows were hurting the most so I could mention them here, but he never texted back, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think what, it's just, the audiences are so weird too because we do fine in the south but our best audiences for whatever reason are the fucking west coast. Really? We sell out all up and down the west coast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think it's, maybe it's just that they don't get much country, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's from my hometown. What? Really? And I knew his cousin, and his cousin's like, I don't wanna say the guy's name, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought Depp was a stage name, it's not, I know his cousin, his last name is Depp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Like that looks, like that's theoretically, uh, like a, just a shot that somebody grabbed, but that looks fuckin' posed as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's what I'm saying. That's all I think. Imagine meeting a girl, fuck, like, if you meet a girl and just fuck her after this, like, she's gonna get her ass fucking bruised with all that metal banging against her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. On Keith Richards, yeaah. Yeaah, I mean, that's, that's probably what it is too, and I think Keith Richards is honestly, I think Keith Richards is, like, actually does probably fucking sleep. In that shit? In a bunch of shit, and then just grabs shit to go, like, he's probably legit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it crazy too that he's like, you know, he's like the star, he's like a big, he's like a kids star, basically. This guy? Yea. I mean, he's like, you know, crazy fucking dude who looks like that, who's like, his big hits are all kids movies now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple radio stations occasionally you'll see them in the charts and some of the titles of the songs are clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one shot up, that one had a, like I said, black twitter must be huge cause we had a huge couple weeks of that. That's awesome man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We mess around until we got cold feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I think about the creek when I'm on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Summers in Kentucky, man I miss that place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you ever feel like ditching your man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grab your kids, hit the road with the country band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of my friends were like, let's go to our high school reunion. I'm like, I didn't want to go, but I'm with them. Like, let's just go. And it was that same old thing. Like, you know, there's the hot girl from high school and like, man, she looks disgusting. And then we're like, of course we're all just like, look at us. We're, we're fucking worse. And also like, we'd still fuck her. She'd had 12 kids and you know, four marriages or whatever it was. And we're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't think I could have written that song without that kind of stretched up pussy language, you know? It's a different song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we did for fun was we set, what you do is, I don't know how much you know about radio, but you, you do this where you set, you have a big announcement where you say that the song's going to radio. And the next week in the trade, you'll put out, you know, like 50 ads, like how many stations added across the country. So we actually sent that song to radio, to country radio and then took out a big ad the next week said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, billboard puts the charts, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so and so got, you know, Garth got, the G man got 50 ads, whatever. And they actually, they usually don't print, print the, cause everyone got zero. They usually don't print zero, but they printed me. We don't walk a junior summers in Kentucky, zero ads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's almost like, but it's like 2017, why can't you say dirty word? I mean, I understand that it's the law. It's the law, but I mean, why can't you fucking curse? I mean, I see SNL like kind of strutting around it, you know? I saw Chappelle doing some crazy shit on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard Pussy on Meet the Press. I heard Trump saying, you know, it's gonna play that clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, so if I said it in like a mean way, it would work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I assumed, I just assumed like everyone else it was a, you can't say grab em by the, he's always like, you know, I'm the smartest fucking guy, I'm like, I'm so smart. It's like, you bragged about grabbing people by the pussy with a microphone on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, uh, listen to, the listeners, listen to the album version because this producer did an amazing job on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't thank you guys enough because like I said, it's been this podcast world that's really keeping me alive. There's no one else that'll have me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, but it's this whole new, it's really, it's almost like underground radio in a way. It's this whole new thing which people are underestimating, you know, like. They've been underestimating it, but they're starting to come around. I think so, but like, like I said, I had a top, you're not going to get any other top 10 country artists stopping by here, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, they should. Yeah, they should. Why wouldn't they, you know? Well, they're smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, I'll help if it keeps going because I gotta make this money back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, uh, it's Monday. We're gonna do Mom Joke Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did the duck say to the bartender? Whack. Put it on my bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Will Smith, that's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great mom, hilarious comedian, great friend, great daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck your dog. Hope he never comes home. Fuck you bitch. Hope you wind up alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was in the clear. Yeah. Cause I left town. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I started to feel it. Such a drag. It was, uh, so I did, I did Pittsburgh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also did Burlington Coat Factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a different one. But, so I was fine first two everything. The third show of the week was the first show in Vermont. I'm doing the meet and greet and I just start to feel icky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two days. It's the third day of the thing. And then I'd like, kind of, I start to feel just shitty on stage. Like for the last show. And I go, oh, see I didn't know if I was getting sick or just exhaustion. Sometimes you just have exhaustion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just canceled my whole week, so I gotta recover for this weekend coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do what we can. That was uhm, Chinese eyes, British mouth, Mary Berry likes to fuck by Andre. That's a long title, but thank you Andre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine was British accent. Chinese eyes, British accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, who did you see get cut last? I didn't. I fucking spaced out. I thought you watched one with me and we started another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was. The real thing that I miss that I used to make is chocolate soufflé.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it wouldn't be to have a bite either. I'm like, let's try this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're wondering, uh, this lady here, she can see that she is, uh, from a, a, the Black Witch Coven. Coven. Coven. Uh, their, their Facebook group description says, the Black Witch Coven is an online international group of eclectic witches, gypsies, warlocks, and oculus. Occultists. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody said that everybody that was wicking was a fat fucking retard. That guy got really mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You gotta fart? Well, I don't know, they're kinda dicey right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when you get sick, you just feel different. I think it affects everything and eating takes usually a bit of a dip or a change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I want like, I just want warm, doughy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he had three basically, he had one really bad showing first, one second to last in the middle, and then on the third thing, they were like, you have to just crush it on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude really breaks shit down, like looking at it and he's like, this is a good, good finish at the bottom, like really inspecting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think he's supposed to not fit in. In other words, it's made up of the everyman, right? That people are just, they're amateur breakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say that I'm the elitist, you know, you're like, but I was really thinking about it. You're far more of an elitist. You know why? You think every place that isn't here is dog shit. Oh yeah. You're like, if it's not California, fuck that place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't know that about you, but you really shit on places. And that's way more elitist than what you choose Mia. You call me elitist for liking nice things. You know, like, oh, that's nice, Tommy will like it. But you're like, what garbage dump outside of California?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people do. A lot of people are just like, you know, well, Toledo is the best. Yeah, they love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I called you, when was it, and I go, it's snowing, and you go, why do you go to these awful places?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I kinda like the seasons actually. I really do. I do. I like the seasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put like a sweater on. No, because the hottest months here are autumn. Sure, a little bit. But September, October are actually hotter usually than July.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, then November becomes basically autumn. Yeah. You know? It's perfect. November, December. And then, yeah, you don't really get a proper one. Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but I like, I'm saying those days are like basically what a normal autumn feels like. I like those days a lot. I like autumn days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That'll be the whole thing that'll happen if we move to anywhere. What's the problem? Is that it's not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, yeaah. Literally the longest, I mean I like it here, but I do like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like other cities too though. I don't like other cities. You don't like any other cities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to really pay attention to the weather. It's a good month. It's a really good month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the second time it came around, you'd be like, oh fuck, this again. Third, fourth, fifth time, you'd just be like, yeaah, this is how it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, yeaah, because you're, I was walking around, uh, Burlington and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, I don't know, it was a cool day, but for me, like I wanted a hat and a jacket and everything, cause I'm not used to it. And I saw...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's very much, you adapt, your body adapts. When I moved to Florida, I moved in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd been living in Cincinnati, Minneapolis, and Milwaukee. I moved in November to Florida. In Florida, November, where I lived, it was probably like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50 something. They were all in sweatshirts and jackets. And I was in a t-shirt, like sweating. People thought I was mentally ill. What is wrong with you man? I just moved from somewhere where it's fucking 5 degrees outside. So 55.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fuckin' awesome. But the next year, I had a sweatshirt on. You just get used to it. You just get used to getting hot all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but can I ask you about eyeshadow? Is it normally the eyelid and then the whole eye area?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I think that's, uh, actually just something you should probably do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems very, well everyday, but it also seems like that makes a lot of sense. Maybe just the mental process of doing that feels probably very cleansing, don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it. A fart spell? I would do that shit spell, the feces spell. I don't see why not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that was, you know what happened to both vehicles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yours and mine had stinky air conditioners. Why? Oh no, it was really upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They took mine in and they go, well you know, rodents burrow in the engines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, maybe we'll find something decomposed and that's what you're smelling. And I was like, ugh. Ugh, nasty. Foul dog. And then, uh, he checked mine out and was like, no, it wasn't there, it just smells like farts. And he's like, we just cleaned everything, changed the filter, smelled better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't ask, but didn't seem like that would make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Uhm, but then yours started to, yours started to smell later. Yeah. So maybe all your farts built up in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Did I leave it in there? They mentioned that, actually. No, they really did. Cause when I picked yours up, they kept it for three days to do this. Uhm, he's like, I think the smell is pretty much taken care of, but there's like a juice thing in there, and that might smell now. Cause it's just been left in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, or you know, like the filters could just be filthy, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah. They were terrible. Who was terrible? Yours? The car service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, I can, I can take care of you. There you go. Now no one hears, well, somewhat muted. You done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he called me the second day and was like, you know, we need to keep it up again. I'm like, what are you fucking doing to this thing, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I see anyone smoking in their car, I'm like, oh bro, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just at a red light and I see this brand new Lexus next to me and you see the window crack this much and the person just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoking, I'm like, you're smoking in that brand beautiful car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to grab a mattress. Without getting out. Without getting out. I love it. He's driving the sanitation truck and he's using the claw basically, right? The arm. To see if he can do it, uh, like basically remotely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, uh, oh, for sure. You can't do that first week on the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost, it's almost better to boring not understand it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's worse when you're like, I get it. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've sat on piss, yeaah. It's gross. It's upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? And he would hold his pee for eight more hours. Yeaah. Yeaah, he's not the type of dog that just goes like, oh okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna see how, to what extent the heart is, uh, having a murmur, so that when you put him under for a mouth cleaning, the heart specialist will tell you this is the safe range for anesthesia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get that if a dog's going under, he needs the- to tolerate the anesthesia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't we just have him bring him in again and have him take you in that time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his life. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a lot of people, we have new listeners all the time, uh, are always trying to figure out what's the origin of the show, what's the show actually about. At our core, we are denim specialists. That's what really what this show is about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not a mistake that you're wearing that jacket in that photo. Of course. So, whenever it's possible, we like to thoroughly dive into the denim world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's daily mail in the UK on the denim for a couple of guys they investigated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Levi's are, are, are high quality for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your AGs and your- AGs are amazing. They are amazeballs. Remember when your friend's dad came here and we were like, cool dad jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we went there together, they were like 50% off. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, they shrunk like three inches, man. What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sometimes t-shirts you can win on a cheapie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand anybody that buys anything for a kid, not at a target or an equivalent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying an equipment, like if you go in there, you're like, kids don't know what you're putting on them. You can buy an entire wardrobe for $100.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to some strip mall, boutiquey place, and I bought an outfit for like $100.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh, this is great. And then you realize he puts it on, he fucking throws shit on it. And then he's like, and then it doesn't fit like in a week. So I was like, yeah, it's the last time I've ever done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, this shit is big time. This weekend, it's your weekend back basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is your boy, TNuts, and I have some major new dates, uh, in addition to the dates that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You may have heard about this weekend, San Jose, Meat Rattle, Washington. There's a couple tickets left for the late show in Seattle at the Moore. The first show is sold out. Portland, Oregon, both shows are sold out Saturday, so I added shows in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 13th, I added a fourth show. In other words, a second show on May 13th, which would be my fourth in Portland overall. Also at Revolution Hall, Ryan Sickler is coming with me, the great sickle cell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at Eugene, Oregon the night before. And we added a late show in Portland. If you didn't get tickets, this is the last time you're gonna get a chance. Uh, we have a month until the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's 10.30 on May 13th, a Saturday. I added Tucson, Arizona. Tuckson, Arizona. The Rialto Theater, June 9th. I'm coming to Richmond, Virginia. Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Virginia Beach, Virginia, um, Greensboro, North Carolina, and Charleston, South Carolina, at the Charleston Guy Yard Center? I don't know how to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's July 15th, those are all in July, uh, all at TomSagura.com, slash, tour. In addition, I have added


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Reno, Nevada, Temecula, the, uh, the Pechanga Resort and Casino, those are June 10 and 11, and like I mentioned earlier, the Coord Denim, the Cone Denim Entertainment Center in, uh, in Greensboro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to you, that's in Greensboro, North Cackalacka.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I 100% picked that specifically for the name and, uh, I'm very excited. I've never been. I will be going there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you are smart in that, like for this upcoming, you're going to all good places. Places I wanna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's only at someone's naivete. It's not like a cringe like gross things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but this one is gonna, I, it's one of those things, you know what's so embarrassing, you have to turn it off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard, it's hard to watch. Great. It's hard, I mean, poor son of a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's a, here's a, I looked it, I looked it up. Uhm, I guess this is old. Yeaah, because it's the one year anniversary, so. It says we all make mistakes, but a mistake can be magnified when you're a celebrity and you say something incorrect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maple Leaf's goaltender learned this weekend when he said South African president, Nelson Mandel was one of his favorite athletes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He apologized after, uh, a game. I'm embarrassed. I didn't mean to offend him his legacy. I got flustered with the red carpet and I was nervous. Everyone makes mistakes and that was me that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hosted it in, I wanna say maybe in Toronto or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, man. And, and, and, uh, I like that those journalists did not bail him out. Noooo! They're like, this is gold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think these people are African. They're uh, covering a uh, Beyonce song. It's pretty, it's pretty great. You wanna hear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, that was English, but that's clearly not their, you know, their forte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was actually a great trip. We didn't go to Cape Town, which a lot of people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause everybody was like, how could you come here and not go to Cape Town? But we just, we were there two full weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, we went out to Soweto. Soweto. But we, no, we did shows in three places, didn't we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pleasure. Oh, thanks for the, uh, chicken. Pleasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. That was such a great trip. Lot of feedback online, uh, on Facebook, social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure, very upset, I'm sure. I mean, I'll tell you, in person, I was talking to people at shows and everybody was bringing it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go, when you shower. This is like talking to me. And he's like, yeah. And they were like, uuuh. And they were like, you do? He's like, wait, what's wrong with that? And they're like, it's just gross. And then the other guy was like, yeah, what's wrong with your hands? He's like, well, what's wrong with my hands? Like, it was just funny that he had no idea what was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's an email. Dear Tom and Christine, I'm writing in to let you know that your discussion about using a wash cloth from episode 390 was truly horrifying to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Washlet 350VE is unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got another email. Hi Christina, Tom is not making up the story about an older woman masturbating at the Laughing Skull bar. I know that because I am that woman. I am not crazy and I was not gone as you implied. I am just an adventurous older woman who loves flicking her bean in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially when a big hairy bear like your husband is around. Sure. I could tell he was enjoying the show. Sincerely, Mildred Redbean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's, let's see what you have for them. Hey, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was listening to the podcast today while going through my standard grooming routine. While unloading my morning brown, I happen to notice something that I have a tendency to forget in said routines. My toenails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife is constantly reminding me to clip them, but I wear socks the majority of the time at home that she doesn't appreciate when I tell her I am the toenail champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it should be standard practice to clip them often, but my man talons do get pretty gnarly. What I want to know is, what is a good amount of time between minimalizing my foot razors and what should I do to help me remember? Thanks in advance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I think the general rule is once you start seeing any significant length. Yeaah. Right? You just go. Cut that shit. Like toenails should be trim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, you just see em, man. You just see it. You're like, it's easy to get a trim right now. You're eyeball it. When do you trim your toenails?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sink? Uh, no, I just do it, I just clip them onto the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it's fun to really examine, uhm, your big toe toenail clipping. Of course. When it's like real thick. That's what everybody does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The little nails, you're like, ehh. But that big one, if you get like a big chunky piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you use them to floss ever? Do you use them as a tooth pick? No, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Pick my teeth with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You nasty. Nasty as hell right now. Why you gotta be so nasty like that? Uhm, stepdad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know when you just get in the shower, that's the best time to do it actually. I'd say pre-shower. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause you get down, you're naked, you look down, oh okay, clip em, you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only other thing he could do is set up a, uh, a routine where like he goes, it'd be great if a guy who doesn't normally cut his toenails starts getting pedicures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you could just go get your treatment, you know, and it'll cut it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know a guy, a podiatrist who told me that for a celebrity, an old celebrity, he would go to his house to cut his tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's dead now. So then you can say that. Yeaah, but I, I don't, it's like one of those...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it's somebody from like that era, you know. Who is it? Old school, like a Cary Grant type guy, you know. Shut up. We're talking about like when he was, you know, 85 or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said he would bring out the, uh, like the machine. You can't just clip. You have to like graze them down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another email. Hey Hitler, it's me Danny. Uh, I've been dating my girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For about a year and a half now, she's got a beautiful daughter from a previous relationship. As the relationship has grown more and more serious and getting closer and closer to the daughter, last few months I've pretty much taken the father role over completely. And now I'm starting to get complaints from my family about the smell of my breath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always taken good care of my chompers. You feel me? Brush twice a day, twice a day, you know, you know, floss in most days, you know, and you know, regular visits to the dentist, you feel me? So I wanted to confirm that stepdad mouth is also a thing. Keep them high and tight, stay glassin', and yes, I date my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, wanted us to see a guy doing an interview dropping ya nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird that the guy interviewing him is also in the shot, nodding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what do we have here? One more. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. Not LA. Alright, Jean. Uh, thank you to everybody for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Uhm, thank you guys for listening. Please get the, uh, shirt that's on sale now. Uh, there's also, there's a bunch of, uh, merch. I should also point out I'm very excited to announce April 28th. Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Pauline Bye. I also, uh, if you ever saw my special, uh, the second one, mostly stories, it comes out, the audio comes out, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On iTunes, Amazon, everywhere. We're gonna get a limited amount of hard copies. Uhm, I'm gonna sign a bunch of them. They'll be in our store. And also in June, it's gonna come out on vinyl for vinyl collectors. And uhm, I'll sign some of those too. So please check out the album. It's gonna be in a few weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for listening to your mom's house podcast. Bye Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When there's no such thing as a fried bean recipe. See? Fried bean recipe. It's up-speak. I'm gonna go ahead and soak one pound of pinto beans in cold water overnight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like everything these days, there's a lot of controversy on whether you should do this or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the top one. The top one? The 213 number. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman that's a little plump top girl and a daughter who's 13 and you're gonna try to take a 12 ounce roll of sausage and a couple of dozen eggs and feed that, it ain't gonna work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because you want to downsize and charge the same goddamn price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. Look at that. What a shininess of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing, it's staggering, it knows no bounds, but it's cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I also know you're about to dip your fucking dick back inside me where I've still got remains of your cum and then expect me to fucking suck it off mate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just think, finish up, let me do the cum run, let me have a shower, you jump in the shower, fuck me in the shower, blame each other in the shower, done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've personally been in situations where a boy's fucking jizzed at me and he pulls out a fucking tissue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ain't gonna clean yourself yet, mate. And I know I've come multiple times over that penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arsenal mate. Blood. What happened in that match? Blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have a break. Have a moment. Go to a cubicle or the bathroom. Have a fondle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set up a LinkedIn profile just to look at my LinkedIn, because they have no followers, or I don't know, they just use LinkedIn to spy on people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I will accept requests on LinkedIn because it seems like maybe a good business connection for my work, my writing, my books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then every once in a while some guy, loser guy will come along and think that he can ask me out. LinkedIn is not a dating app, you loser, so fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, the time was right. Jean up high and tight. I was pretty sure that I could get that pussy talking to me by the end of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend, I'm in Washington, Dickham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 9th, December 10th. I'm only there for two days. I'm only doing four shows. Saturday, the early, I think, is already gone. I don't know. So get your darn tickets now, Toodles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've got some stuff lined up for 2017, but I'm not announcing just yet, but I will shortly. Listen to That's Deep Row, and that's it. What about you, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This sounds like some jam you would really love in, uh, junior high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I just see the guy walking away. I seen him right now, walking away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The circuit breaker is there, they're fixing the pool right now, and they need to turn off the power to get to the electrical. Believe me, I had the same fucking shit happen last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just farted, and then you judged me for farting two seconds ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you're calling the kettle brown like that. I farted and you chastised me. Fuckin' thing. What's wrong, baby? Let's talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The constant stream of workers


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[Assistant] Getting our work done. Oh, those guys. Come here, let me tickle you. I don't like this guy at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was about as exciting as the microphone guy, the way you described it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we, well, should we have Blue Band come back and fix this? Of course. Before we continue recording this episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then, should we just do audio clips today? So that we don't have to go through the aggravation of the visual being fucked up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not, because if you tickled mine...


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[Assistant] With that pointy metal thing it would scrape and hurt my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you're gonna do your Christmas shopping, do it at yourmomshousepodcast.com. Go to our shop, get a Water Champion t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let the real water champs in your life, aka me, let them know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But you're into it. Sure. Shop there, do our Amazon banner, please use our banner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I beg you, just go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the home page. You're shopping as you normally would. I hope you're shopping on Amazon, for Christmas by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's, he's actually cute, like he's attractive, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He ain't got no teeth. He pops his fuckin' teeth out. That's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, crevice. Yeah, the crevice. In the crevice. Maybe he meant to say crest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was your eating since you're on this diet to lose weight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for you. It's very hard on the road. It's hard on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your followers don't hang out with bums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, good for you. So how are your browns? Cause you don't have the Washlet 350E on the road. Just glassin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, look how thin I was in this photo and I thought I was a fat load there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, when I had a kid, it stretches all your shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think Joe Rogan would hang out with that guy hunting? Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's great about you and I really admire the most is that you're so dedicated to this diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, cause I know you're dedicated, you haven't had a sweet treat.


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[Assistant] Right, but that's not, you know, that's not gonna break. That's the only time you've been bad this whole fucking time. You've been so good. And so I thought I'd buy you a whole farts chocolate. I got one on the primal diet. It's primal friendly and it's no sugar and it's only has a coconut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, in the raw. It's like when I said no sugar, they meant no fucking sugar. It just tasted like a hunk of dirt out of the earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit was so damn nasty. And I was so excited to have a treat on my fucking diet too, on that primal thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, when you're on a diet, it's like not even worth it. You're like, ah, fuck it, I don't even want to- I just don't eat because I'm so miserable at the idea of eating. Eating's so depressing now that I'm like, mwah.


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[Assistant] Right, cause when you break the rules, you just know that you're fucking yourself. You're just setting yourself back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you just not play the visual for this episode?


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[Assistant] F. A. R. T. F. A. R. T. I like how she had to spell it out like a fucking toddler.


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[Assistant] But isn't it interesting, like, you know, we were just talking about this yesterday, when you have a couple in ya.


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[Assistant] Who you become, it's really telling about how much you're holding back when you're not lit.


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[Assistant] No, she's bombing. This is called bombing. In our business, she's eating a fucking dick sandwich. But isn't it interesting that this is who she wants to be the woman that says crazy things. And so when someone else does it in parliament, maybe that upset her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna say F-A-R-T and then she, you know, chastises the other. Isn't that interesting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well, well, isn't this interesting? The one who's a tattletale. Yea, a little tattletale. Has the most shit going on. That's always how it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting ones, but the Canadians, I think, are much more interesting. Remember the mayor of Toronto? What was his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I listen to NPR, so I hear about Trudeau, but I don't see Trudeau.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Mr. Trudeau. Prime Minister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got these new ergonomic chairs. Yeah. And I tried yours when I was recording, that's Deep Row, and it hurt. And this one feels much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a long time, that's when he knew you when you were a compulsive masturbator. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really exciting to get free, uh, french fries. Yeah, yeah, it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody knows that, but I mean, I don't know if people do, but they'll pull you up in like a nice town car if you're lucky that week, and then they let you out right by the dumpster. And you're like, alright, showbiz guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause everybody knows, if you really want to have a good day, post a picture of yourself on social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. If you're any sort of, if you're in entertainment or whatever, you want to feel validated by strangers, definitely post a pic of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, guys. Relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you though, cause I've seen rappers in airports fist bump and athletes. That's a perfect exchange with a rapper or an athlete. It's just the fist bump cause it's like, oh, I get it. You get it. We're not going to talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's super lame. He wasn't in that. And plus when you're traveling, if it's early, you're not into that stuff. But now you have a memory, you don't need a picture. You know what that guy fucking looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, when I see older people now, and I'm like, oh, you just don't take care of yourself, bro. Like it's a fuckin', it's voluntary to look like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mostly, right? I mean, unless you have some sickness or something, jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To cow. Even I know that to cow thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's neat. That's really neat, Jeans. That's pretty cool. I too posted a photograph of myself on Instagram this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made chillin' in the studio here with the two dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really nice to read the compliments, like, you look like a total mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, two months ago, and I saw this like 50 year old lady on the tram that takes you in, she was wearing these, just glassin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, bro, those look like the coolest shoes, most comfortable shits I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the dopest part. These are house, you can wear these out and about in the world, but I wear them around the house because we don't have carpet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on the inside it's soft, and then you can take off the sole, which is cool, it's plastic, and you can wash this part. That's the best fucking part!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can watch the insides, because I hate slippers, they get all sweaty and smelly, and then, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying if you want to top them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, they don't sponsor the show or anything, but it's great to have like, you know what I'm saying? I'm always looking for ultimate comfort shoes. Of course. I love vans, but there's no arch support in a slip-on van. I don't like fucking tying shoelaces, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Constantly. These are the best purchase and it's expensive, it's like 80, excuse me, 80, I almost threw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause right now you got the Ugg slipper with the open back style, but you don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that uggs, it's not that good. Cause it's flat footed too. You need some kind of arch support in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I like to. I feel like you're wearing some bullshit right now. Right now I'm wearing flip flops because I can't even find my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, here's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna get you some on Zappos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you because I don't like to walk around in socks cause it's, my feet fucking hurt. Yeah, and socks get dirty. Dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I gotta take the dogs out to shit and piss 500 times a day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't want to wear normal shoes around the house cause then the tracks and dirt and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that story about the girl that went to go bang the Wu-Tang Clan or had all of the- Oh yea, oh yea. Not down her throat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that guy was in the band too. He's not a looker. The hottest one's method.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then who's second after Method is what you're saying, like who's after him. Method's busy, you can fuck, you can blow who's second in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're, okay, so let's say I'm going to the Wutane Clan for a blinding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the first gentleman I will approach is the Jizza on the pyramid of the hierarchy of rappers in that group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, for, yeah, the RZA. Then the JIZA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm gonna say RZA then GZA cause I'm a fan of the Liquid Swords album. That's the only album I really know and love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I forgot about him. So, he would definitely be like... But aesthetically, I'm talking, I'm going on looks. Aesthetically...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't they always suing someone in the Wu-Tang?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Now, you know what I heard? The guy in the Rolling Stones is pay to play. The drummer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's their empire and they get the residuals, they get all, all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but that's the way to do it. I don't know if the Lutang structured their deals the same way. I don't know what their deals are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, what ha- I would not even know. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Gypsy. You know what she reminds me of? The bad girls club. Remember that one that was like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what I'm saying? I got no privacy. I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a chav. That's their white trash. That's their version of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the best reality show from the BBC ever. From La Dez to Ladies. We fucking loved that show. La Dez to Ladies was the best show ever. It was so fun, but I don't know where to find it now if it still exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does she win the UFC championship? God. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, she's on every time there's football. Carrie Underwood. And she's cute as fuck, and she's really talented. I really, I like her actually. But that fucking football song is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire, and it's so boring too. It's like, she's a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it is. Except it's like honky-tonky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what's the name of the stadium they played in last night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FedEx, UPS, I'm sorry, FedEx.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Starbuck's Kentucky Fried Chicken McDonald's Burger King Venue. Beep, beep, bop, boop, boop, bop, bop. Bleep, bop, bleep, bloop, bleep, bloop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like fun. Mommy, can we go to the Century Link?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder who's paying for some horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bummer. It's just shameless, I know. It's a bummer. Is nothing just named any, like, the Rose Parade. No, like, we have to call it the Citibank Rose Parade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An auditorium or maybe a public restroom facility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Colgate? We should have a Tooth sponsor and all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that show? This has nothing to do with it. It just reminded me. We, we happened to catch that show, uh, OutDaughtered. Yes. On TLC about the Quintuplets. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, the woman that stays home with six kids, five babies, one year old babies, and then the like five year old daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I mean, and she's really got such a better attitude than we do about child rearing. Sure. You and I are exhausted at the end of the day with a one year old, with one one year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, if you're five babies deep in the game, you can't even acknowledge that it sucks ever. Cause it's too late. You're all in, you're all in for the rest for the 18 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Livin'. Cause we have, uh, you know, our lovely, wonderful nanny, but she goes home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also I don't like to have my kid raised entirely by another...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is how you do it. The way this guy did it is exactly how Tom and I do this. Every time you order from a Starbucks or from a fast food place, uh, do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Schnitzel was just hawking, just glassing him. You remember? She was right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the way he does it, this guy, he really nailed the right way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nonchalance. It's all about nonchalance and just make it a throwaway. You don't want to draw too much attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly how you do it. Hi mommy. You know what's really insidious that they started doing at our Starbucks drive-thru? Is they go, hi, would you like something to eat today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the car. And she's like, you shou- you don't want some? You don't want like a cake pop or a paste? And I was like, dude, you're so sneaky. I'm like, no, I'm trying to be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A full finger ring. And then he tickles pussies with that. So he was on That's So Raven. Yea, he's got those actor good looks, that's for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the first time you've drank water this entire show. Let the record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Note that I've been drinking, I've been hydrating this whole fucking time. And I have two primaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I just wanted to say that this is possibly the very first positive, uh, Tom


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am. That's why fucking I'm encouraging you to drink more water. You need to pee clear. Also, can I read another one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just an interesting thing. Just wanted you guys to know that there is a town in Oregon called Brownsville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what I used to do? What? Real talk, before the Washlet 350E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do a combination of both if it was a difficult wipe. Now this is before or in lieu of the shit to shower.


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[Assistant] The look on your face was like, when Nikas would be eating a hoagie and then Claire would catch him and then he's like, you know, he pretended like he didn't see it.


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[Assistant] I would do a combo of both, meaning I would do an exploratory


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[Assistant] And then do more wipes standing. So I would do both.


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[Assistant] I-I disagree, I've often done a sit and then stand to finish up the cleanup.


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[Assistant] I really like, I like to shower before and after Pilates because she's right there.


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[Assistant] Uh, elementary school plastic chairs. Old school elementary school.


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[Assistant] Great. Step stools. Step stools. Because first of all, it's the plastic, but it's also


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[Assistant] What a neat thought. I have a dental update. Do you want to hit the music?


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[Assistant] Luckily enough, I only have to get one fake one. Oof. And this Thursday, I am getting the other three composite and crowned.


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[Assistant] He's a construction worker and he's been asking, he says, he just said I was asking for the correct tool and he doesn't say what he was doing.


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[Assistant] Ugh, I'm so- sometime around March I will get the fake one after the implant has healed up and I'm jeans up. I'm so sorry, Mike. That is a terrible-


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[Assistant] I'm sure you can sue the fuck out of your boss though, by the way.


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[Assistant] Have a dental update. I was flossing very hard around my crown on the side.


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[Assistant] And I think it's, I think the crown, it's time to be replaced.


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[Assistant] After the new year, after we've settled a bit. You don't want to get into dental work now. I know, but shit. Life is chaos right now.


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[Assistant] I hear. Yep. Yep. I tickle it this way.


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[Assistant] Here, process gases are pushed into the inlet main fold of the RTO via a system fan.


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[Assistant] This is Dean the President of FanTV, and we're here at Dragon House, and I'm here with... Uh oh.


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[Assistant] I don't know nothing about this guy either right now, so it's kind of a scary thing, so uh, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was testing out this new stuff. I have a, you know, new monitor and everything and I was just playing with it and we were running audio and video through it and we just used that clip and I just was laughing still, man, still.


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[Assistant] So ridiculous. Alright, let's start the show, uhm. So moose. Do you want to start the show with a clip? Oh no. Uh, holiday spirit? Or do you like Christmas spirit? Or do you want to do like a silly, silly man?


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[Assistant] And you love the Christmas season, right? I love the holidays, yes. I do too, uh, I love the Christmas, uh.


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[Assistant] Let's get in the holiday Christmas spirit. Here we go.


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[Assistant] If that sounded weird to you, it should. It did. Because we have a replacement computer right now. Because my logic board was fucked. Thank you for everybody that messaged me when I asked all those questions last week. My MacBook shot, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I have a, I don't have like my normal drops, I don't have my normal stuff. Oh shit.


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[Assistant] So I didn't, I realized I didn't have the intro. So I had Blue Band record.


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[Assistant] Yeah, not only that, but it actually got me into something I'm really excited to do.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna glass all fucking day, but the other thing I'm gonna do is, uhm, I went into the archives and, you know, people don't realize, I think we get,


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[Assistant] 500 plus legit emails a week. Like I'm saying, not spam. It's like, you know, people listening and writing in and you can only spend so much time, you know, looking over these.


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[Assistant] Right. And then Blue Band has another gig too, so he can only kind of get through so much and prep all this stuff for the show. So...


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[Assistant] The other day when I sent in that computer to get fixed, I'm using this one.


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[Assistant] I went into the archives and I realized there's songs we've missed. Really? Yeah, and then other times...


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[Assistant] This thing we've talked about before too, which is songs that have played but only once and you're like, that's such a good fucking song.


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[Assistant] So don't watch the show. We put, you know, we try to put this up on, on YouTube every week. Uhm, right now the clip of the Jingle Bells lady, she's uhm...


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[Assistant] She, uhm, I don't know. Blue band said he doesn't think she's well 100%, but I don't know. I don't know.


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[Assistant] But then she cut out, uh, paper drawings of dicks, and they're, are they, what's, what's used on her tits to keep them there? It's like shaving cream. So she rubbed shaving cream on her tits, and then she put paper dicks on them, and then she sang Jingle Bells.


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[Assistant] I think she said, este Navidad, dile no al pene, which is this Christmas, say no to dick.


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[Assistant] The toilet, and then it sounds good. You know, cause of all the tile and...


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[Assistant] Yeaah. But what do you think inspired her to do this? And why the-


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[Assistant] I'll go- I mean, I understand jingle bells, cause she's obviously into the holl- But why this Christmas, say no to dick, and oh my god, my thing just went to sleep again. Uhm, why that you think?


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[Assistant] Cool, I think you also said this, uh, before sex the other night. You were telling me about this.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I think it's quite obvious that you absolutely sharded. Really? Do you remember the fart that...


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[Assistant] Yes. Did you, how, how soon before that pee wipe did you fart?


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[Assistant] It probably was. You didn't mention that when you brought up, did I shart? Because if you just give me the information, I farted and then I wiped when I peed and there was brown there, you sharted. But now you're telling me there's a big brown messy wipe earlier, messy brown, then it probably, cause I have those sometimes where you're like, uuuh, and then you go later and there's all this brown there.


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[Assistant] I've sharded, I mean, you know, a handful of times. I'm trying to think of the most recent one.


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[Assistant] A shart doesn't necessarily have to get that far. Because like your body alarms you so quickly. It's like a butt clinch thing takes place, you know?


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[Assistant] I mean, you, you feel like whoops, that's more than a fart and it's like still in between your butt cheeks. I've had one, remember we got that uhm,


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[Assistant] Down in the South Bay that, uh, it was like some green, we were making those blender drinks. Smoothies. Yeaah. But it was like, uh, it was called like ultra green or something.


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[Assistant] And I was like, oh, here's a cool fart. That was liquid though. Everything came out.


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[Assistant] I mean not your standard, I mean it's in the chart scale for sure, but it wasn't your standard one.


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[Assistant] No, well, that was a shart. I mean, I went to fart and some shit liquid came out.


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[Assistant] You've mentioned that and I've also noticed that and observed it and witnessed and absorbed it.


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[Assistant] Just pound farts into that chair, yeaah. Of course.


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[Assistant] We did talk about that. My dad was saying that he's discovered a new fart smell.


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[Assistant] And what I had was that I flew a few weeks ago. It was when I flew to Philly.


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[Assistant] And somebody was ripping big farts.


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[Assistant] And, and continuous where I was like, fuck. It was the same smell and you're like, god damn it.


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[Assistant] And then about three and a half hours into the flight, I farted and my fart smelled like that fart.


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[Assistant] I don't know man, I mean, I guess it's possible. Anything's possible. It's magic, I don't know.


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[Assistant] That's Elizabeth May, and you remember that, uh, we...


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[Assistant] Oh, right. Yeah, she gets very scared. So a few weeks ago we played her, she's the lady who in parliament was like, you shouldn't say fart, remember?


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[Assistant] So where, you know, members of government and journalists are together and it's, you know, it's a little bit loose tonight, but she, she appeared to be hammered at this thing.


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[Assistant] And was escorted off, uhm, so we showed you last week.


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[Assistant] So then, uhm, you know, we made it a big thing. Obviously we played it on the show a lot and then we were sent in, uhm, her appearance after that. What? Yeaah, so after that she made it to...


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[Assistant] Uh, uh, all the news shows in Canada.


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[Assistant] It looks like a perfect smile, isn't it? Really, but it's, it looks like she, she puts it in like you do, like it's kind of half in.


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[Assistant] See, you know what sucks about that? Is that it's a uhm, she's making an apology, non-apology.


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[Assistant] It was a, it was a, it was a night of fun times and I went a little too far.


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[Assistant] Have you ever had a drink too many? Is there one here above that?