[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, for those of you just listening to the show, he had a woman tied to his existing mattress in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dear. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. That's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know what I like is that she chose reason and logic. That was a reasonable argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, 30 seconds is not a lot of time. I know. To be funny and informative, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the girl who meshed together the different videos and at the end finished in the dark. Okay. As the tried out guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those three I feel like tugged at my heart, my fart strings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just trying to get with the black dudes. So you're saying we should get a black guy and then a girl who wants a mattress to fuck the black guys on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, you had some explosive browns today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm upset because we couldn't come here fast enough and you couldn't use a fart mic. Oh it's empty now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a fart supremacist and you only want the biggest farts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you've gotta do it. That's your obligation to the listeners. That's what the fart


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what kind of attitude is this? That not all the farts are going to make it to Fart Mike. Some are good and some are better. That's just how life is. You can't bat a perfect score, whatever they say in baseball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel that people judged the fart that it wasn't big enough?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only, you know, you hear what you want to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then, just for the audience listening, I'm going to continue to give you all my farts, all I have, and you decide which ones you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a side note, I just wanted to give you a surprise. Uhm, there's something I've been working on with Nadav here. What? For a minute. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Nadav, uh, you know, we've been in discussion about who drinks the most water. Oh, for fuck's sake. And we just put a little compilation. How many episodes is this, uh, Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe now you're spinning this, that it's a medical necessity for you to drink less water. There's no doctor that's gonna tell you to drink less water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the evidence was there. That video, we had to stop watching it. It was a minute long of montage of just me drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe Yana will allow the audience to decide. Guys, you decide. I mean, you've been watching me drink and hydrate and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your favorite dipping sauce? I like the barbecue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. I like the McRib. It's a seasonal item. Did you know that? It's not there all year. Did you know that there's pickles on the McRib too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think you're right. It's kinda like that chick that called herself Superhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember? And she's like, I gave the best head, and then before you know it, there's a line of guys around the block.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, Tom? Oh yea, Tom goes, oh yea. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for her. I will say, you know, in my youth I was so stupid because I was like, I would just give it out, give it out for a free hot dog or whatever. At least she's getting her money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not me, like, I was like, I love people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I always think that's a little fishy when a girl leads with that. Like, I just loooove sucking dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're just defining yourself, like, I'm the world's greatest comedian. You keep saying that long enough, and people believe you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that this new craze with the eyelashes, have you noticed this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That girls have just outrageously large eyelashes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're big and fake and they look so matted together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] S-L-U-T? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. See, you've always said that, that you can tell who's a slut and who's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know she's a slut? Okay, let's just say, like, you don't hear her talking about sucking dicks and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because when the video started, I was like, oh, who's this nice, nice young lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I always think those, uh, like when we saw the Lakers, I'm like, I wonder if all those cheerleaders are banging all the players.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two children, two dogs show together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you can identify, give me some other slut markers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, but she's not a, she's easier, but she's not a full slight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I wear leggings with Ugg boots, and every time I do at the house, you're like, you look like such a slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those Ugg boots though, they're made with dog fur on the inside. Oh man, they stink to high heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, I got it. That's why I had to stop and take a minute because my lunch is coming up. There's nothing more disgusting to me than a man at this angle. Do you know what I'm saying? With his leg up and his foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the frame. It's so disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. Please pause. No, please. I'm gonna die. I'm dying. I'm dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why do they call it, he's always like, they're always like, butt play, and then they're like, ooh, this hurts! Like, what part of that play implies fun and pleasure, and they're always like, it hurts going in, your butt play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you get to this point in your life? Like what's happened up until now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lighting, not great. Background, not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got his teeth which is disappointing. Go ahead, let's watch the end of this. Is there more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep waiting for it to end, like how much shit are you gonna put up your butt and around your dick and on your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cat, everything is so fucked up, babe. I really think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta, this is terrible. I was gonna say we should show our guest, but I'm not sure she needs to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. What a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got your prostate exam coming up. Do you think this was good preparation for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so immature. He's really a fantastic doctor though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. No, he really is. I trust him more than I've trusted any other Doc that we've had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had my urine tested and they're like, there's blood in your urine. And I was like, what? I gotta get on this flight to San Francisco. And I got, I did shows pissing blood. Like what were we thinking? Like just to become comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What time is your exam? 11. Alright. I'll be thinking about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to tell you that over the holiday, you know, in LA, we have what's called the Rose Parade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were hanging out at the house. We didn't do much this Christmas holiday. We've got two little children, so we just stayed home and farted around. But, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, we were in the house tonight joking when he was like, oh, you know what we haven't done today is watch the rose parade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that is one of the most fucking boring things. It's like, it takes place in Pasadena every year. And people line up and spend the night, like nights on end to see the fucking floats go by. And I've seen the floats up close, they're really nice. Like it is, I understand it's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why he's laughing cause you're like, oh my god, that sounds like the worst thing ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather go to like, a Lollapalooza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the last thing we need. Yeaah. No, no, no. This is, this is, this is universal. These are idiots everywhere. Men and women lining up to see floats. I mean, I couldn't think of anything worse. For days! And in the cold! They're doing this shit over Christmas. It gets cold at night there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't think of anything I'd care about that much to spend the night for. You know, even people that do that for Black Friday sales, they sleep out on the sidewalk for like nights before. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you think about the misery of sitting outside in the dark, in the cold, there's nothing on this planet, like, if someone said, look, your children's lives depend on that, I'd be like, yeah, absolutely, but sure as that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that Macy's Thanksgiving parade. Do people stand for that shit too? I can't imagine anything worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was in Jew Dork Titties at the beginning of December, they had this stupid thing where it's like a Santa pub crawl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw all these idiot frat boys dressed up as Santas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the girls dressed up as elves and they just go bar hopping or whatever and they're all in the middle of the fucking day. How fucking stupid is that one too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you know you're an adult and you can get hammered any time of day. All times are times you can drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you think Burt ever asks himself, do I deserve this beer? No, he just drinks it all the time. All day. There's no excuse. All day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially when you hear things like The Comedy Tent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, now here's the deal, man. Here's the deal, man, though, about your choice. Now, New Year's Eve, yeah, it's one night with drunk idiots, essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burning Man, it's over the stretch, let's say a week at Burning Man. Yes, it's hot, but there's like half naked people. Wait, Burning Man? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a bunch of computer nerds who once a year they go to Burning Man, they do a bunch of drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they make floats and they ride bicycles half naked. And they're like, have an orgasm contest. And then like nasty people eat each other out in the dirt. And so it's on a playa. So the sand is very sticky and it's unhygienic and there's, you know, you have to use porta potties to shit and piss and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, let me just think, would you rather do Burning Man, or you sit and wait for the Rose Parade? And that's, it's a week waiting for the Rose Parade?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a week at Burning Man or a week waiting for the rose pray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, not as a, as a show I worked on. I worked on a television show. I filmed there. I swear to God. I would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show is called The Hitchhiker Chronicles on FX. It was the lead in show to Hurt Bert, actually. Before I was friends with Bert Kreischer. Wow. Yeaah. And we picked up Hitchhikers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can just imagine the inane conversations I'd be having on the parade trail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to have a chair. You know how they have their beach chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not what- that would happen to Burning Man. They'd be like, oh that guy is just jacking off. Let's give him space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. In Pasadena, they'd be like, call the police. Great, I'd love to get a rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't tolerate that monkey business in Pasadena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, you know, they say you're from your mom's home. And then they just go from Netflix. I think that's probably easier. I had a guy, a drunk guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you get recognized everyday? He does a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, did you know in LA, by the way, in the state of California, that squatters have rights? And there's like a protocol to kicking them out. You can't just be like, get the fuck out of my property.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't judge it. If people like it, it's entertainment. Who gives a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry, I'll get my space heater. It's so fucking cold in here. Are you cold? It's just me. No, I'm okay for right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I'm even nervous about our boys watching this show. Yea, yea. You know, in a decade or so, but could you imagine doing pornography? And his kids like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh well, that's my pet peeve, is the choking, gagging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They shame her. Now I'm into, I could kick a guy in the nuts and feel good about that. Like those videos where the guy gets kicked, I'm like, I could do that. Easy piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like this at all. Well, it's a little intense too, right? Very intense. It's a lot for a courting video. And he doesn't know yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the job, isn't it? I mean, isn't that the gig? To be provocative and to push the boundaries, blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that? Confusing. Okay, that always, that's the part I don't understand about lesbianism. Okay, so you like a woman, but then she looks like a boy that you date. Yeah. So like. It's wild. Right! So like, wha-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like, uh, Benadryl? Yeah. And Oldie? I would take Benadryl or Joe over this guy. What? This guy's amazing!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it is, it is a performance art thing too. You know, these are performers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so vanilla. I tell you what's not my categories, it's weird cause when you have a baby and you blow out your vag, like I've done that twice now, it's really hard for me to watch porn like right after you have a baby cause you're so medical, like your body is still kinda


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, I hate MILF stuff too. I'm like, ugh. Like, that makes me cringe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think. I'm kinda boring. Sorry. Regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm so, I'm so, because I'm in so mom mode, like I'm only like almost six months postpartum, so I'm not like super sexual yet. You know what I mean? Your body still kind of comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We watch, uh, Million Dollar Fisting. Okay. Uh, what's his name? Jeff Lewis, although that show just got cancelled, which we're in love with Jeff Lewis, I'm so bummed. I don't like the How's Wife shit though, I don't watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought it was going to be the fish finger too. Had you ever watched the Osborns? Sharon Osborn would give the fish finger to her daughter. Really? Which was really funny. What? Yea, she did it in the episode of the Osborn. Well, she did. 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried, I mean I watched the concert on CBS, and like, it's just hokey, he's kind of a corny dad boner, like at one point he was doing like the heart hand, like, I love you, I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it too, I'm fascinated, but I follow her and she's adopted about, I don't know, 12 African children at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the only thing she plays is of them singing and dancing, like she makes them sing and dance constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, this looks terrible, like having Madonna as your adopted mom, like you think it's fun and it's just terrible. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eat her butt? No, I wouldn't eat anybody's butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but if we find something that you won't do, am I allowed to have someone else do it? Okay, such as? Staple my tits to the desk. We've been talking about that for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! He's, his butthole's hairy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo! Yes. Yes. What slot was this with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say they just put like sponge, like there's an actual menstrual sponge you can put up there, or it's a form of birth control, I forget. Well I bought a cup, it was very different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were just talking about how Arizona is so weird for that kind of stuff, swingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I gotta tell you, if you're in a married relationship and you have family and a mortgage and all that, it just seems crazy. Doesn't it seem crazy to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have no parents involved. Just like, yea, a couple people that we trust. Okay. Like our lady's been with us since Ellis was four months old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta ask you, cause I always wonder, cause I'm so uptight, like, I mean, I be, wouldn't you like, so be in your head, like, oh, I'm so fat, like I'm fatter than anybody here, and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that real sex show, you're right, it was always like, we're into group masturbation and it was like the most unattractive people in the world that you would never want to be naked in front of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do make a comment and you're not an expert, people shit on you. However, because of the internet, it's like the democratization of information and everybody can read anything and figure shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're a comedian, your job is to be funny and entertaining, and you did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was listening to this, uh, I think it was actually Dr. Drew's podcast about habits. Anyway, this person was saying when they could write, and they were sitting down to write, they would leave their phone in another room in the house, and that way they weren't tempted to compulsively look at the phone, cause it's a compulsion at this point. Yeah, I read that it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I love it. I've seen it, yeaah. No I don't. It's so good. We have to do this. I'll check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, advice or whatever, as a married couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is find something you enjoy doing together. Like this is kind of what he and I do together that we did before we had children. So kind of reminds us of a time of total silliness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Total lack of responsibility. We were just two dickhead comedians who started a show. So yea, if you find something you enjoy doing outside of like, children and career and whatever, if you can't, I mean even though this is our job, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That helps, that's huge. Like a hobby together. Something you can do together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see her, see Lisa Trager on, uh, The Degenerates. What number are you on that one? I forget. I'm number four. Four. Okay, check her out. She's number four. I'm number six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, about six weeks later? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's thinking, if I could lock him down with two babies, he's not gonna leave me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One baby someone can walk, but she's thinking like TWO babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hope so. I'm a hamburger toy or something. This is for my son. We got this in the Happy Meal. It's a truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Denver, Mombor, Colorado at the Comedy Verks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 31st through February 2nd. Those condos are so good. Yeaah, I'm stoked. The tickets are almost gone, a lot of the shows are almost gone, so buy them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Satva. It's me, Trey. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day and tell you that you've given away a free mattress to a mommy in need. It's one of the greatest opportunities of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna go ahead? Whatcha doin', homie? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to thank everybody who came out to Madison, uh, with Come On, Yukonson. Sold out shows. Amazing. Everybody was so kind. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, rolling along on the Ride or Die tour, April 4th through 6th, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Acme Comedy Club, May 10th and 11th, Tempe, at the Tempe Improv in Arizona, May 31st through June 1st, here in Sperm Bank, California, at the Flappers Comedy Club,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Cum at the Dick Cum Improv. Tickets at Christina P Online. I got a lot of dates coming up. Other cities I'm not going to announce just yet, but they're coming. I'm going across America, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gleeza Traeger has been a guest on the show, so check it out, trot out. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and then she kicks over some merchandise there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how, well, hey, her gender's fluid too, because when she wants to be a sir, she can be a sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do cause I imagine it's very difficult when you, when you are trying to present one way and people keep misgendering you. You're like, dude, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and well, and two, I think it would be ruder of me to be like, what should I call you? I don't know what you are, like how should I, what pronoun should I call you? I feel like that might be more rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a lot of these, I would, if I had another, if I had more time in my life, I would become like a trans coach and I would help women dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they're a Kardashian hot, and they wear like the velour tracksuit, the casual female style. Like if you're gonna, if you're a new female, you gotta really fem it up so that the public knows like, oh, they're very much presenting as a female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways. So, Anyhoodles, I don't know if you do this, and I wrote this down because I wanted to talk about it. When you're on a plane and you're in an airport and you're looking at people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let me preface this by saying, it's so random who you end up with in life, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a matter of like, that night I could have gone out with a different...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you ever stop and think, like, sometimes I'll be like, what if I wasn't, like, with Tommy? Like, do you ever see people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what they're like, like what's wrong with that guy? Cause there's always some, there's always a rub with people, there's always their, their, their give and their take and their bad sides and you're like, what's the darkness in that person? Like what's their flaw? And then, you know, you make one up in your head and you're like, nah, that guy's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about that one a lot. Like if I were married to somebody who wasn't a comedian, how difficult that would be for me. Cause I have to pretend like I'm this normal person all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, I, like on this show I get to be myself 100% in our home life, I'm 100% me, but then if I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not, there's no, there's no like specific, but it's not like literally like I'll be sitting. Did you touch his leg? No, I'll be sitting in the plane like people pass me by and I'll be like, could I, could I love that person? No. I want to hear about the ones that you could. Could I love that person? It depends, it's very specific for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the game, you're on a plane, you're watching people filing, you go, could I love this person? And then within 10 seconds you find the flaw, and then you're like, that's why I'm with my husband, that's why I love my husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And then uhm, so there's that story. So play that with your spouse if you're listening. Uhm, I'm curious to see what you guys come up with as deal breakers with strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have to run my finger, I feel like I just know. Yeah, don't you get a whiff every now and then if you need a shower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and so also another topic I wanted to bring up is that when I was away, you came up, you have a new thing. You've found a new show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you. Praise Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, how much money do you think we have? Like we don't, McDonald's, we had to give back the money. We don't have two million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then we have to build the helipad on top of the house. That's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you be open to it? No. No, it's insanity. I mean, it's, you're talking like a crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're at that, like, Ron White level,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's your weed, good. I mean look, it's sparse, but I like that it's clean and I like that you even have a frame. You have a headboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the part that makes me the craziest is that he wasn't trying to conceal the fact that he was a pediophile, as your dad says. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we all were complicit. Everybody was like, Emmanuel Lewis is your date to the Grammys? Cool. No problem. He just likes kids. He likes kids. And he's a good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, what's most disturbing to me is that the parents are still recounting the events with Michael fondly. Like, and then we got to fly first class. Wasn't that great?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there was a point where he was perfect, like I would say when he came out in Thriller, he really looked, his nose was in a good place, he was cute, like off the wall, a little rough, Thriller.


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[Assistant] Yes, so I had lunch one time at the, on CLO Drive and I spoke to the gentleman that purchased it and he said, well, yea, that murder land is discounted land. So he got it at almost half price. Now it was a tear down. Exactly. He tore it down and he built this.


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[Assistant] No no no, let's do it this way, let's do an actual deal with the devil. So he gets successful, and then in the afterlife, saying there is one, every day, he has to suck the trident out, guys, for all of eternity.


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[Assistant] Olives all in your beard, on your eyes. And depending whose dick you taste. Could be like an olive, dog. Could be like a big olive. And his nuts could stink real bad.


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[Assistant] If I saw this guy on a plane, Tom, to go back to our first discussion, like, okay, this guy's walking past me now, and I go, could I love him? Here's number one. What do you think the turn off is? Hair? Yea. I'd be like, the hair's too complicated, he's too interesting.


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[Assistant] It's a table read in the industry. Tom, this is what you did for your movie? This is all allegedly, of course. Yea, right. Yea, he's dead. He doesn't care. Yea. Alright, ready? Uh, okay, do you have any tips for me at a table read? You're a blond.


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[Assistant] Fuck him, he's fat. He's the worst.


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[Assistant] You know what we were just talking about, the darkest motherfuckers, Michael Jackson, who else? Uh, The Cause. The Cause, they all have these bullshit messages of like, you just gotta love the world, you gotta heal the world with the love, meanwhile they're doing dark stuff behind closed doors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I watch Trish's baking channel and he and Trish make a lot of bad treats. Like it's, you know, cornflake, peanut butter balls.


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[Assistant] And he only smiles with his mouth, never his eyes. That's how you can tell a smile is fake. That smile to me says-


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[Assistant] Well I don't, the light, the light blue denim on, is he wearing dark denim or is it black pants?


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[Assistant] Me too. It is nice to see you growing up. I was a little worried about you.


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[Assistant] But he doesn't know, Wheeler doesn't know, we lost a major sponsor, McDonald's sponsored this show and we got 2.3 million dollars. And then they saw our content and they pulled the money. So we don't have the money anymore, Tom, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's garbage. I can't, I can't listen to slow, boring, heartfelt, you know what I mean? It's like, it's bullshit. Especially with laymen.


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[Assistant] Oh, I do it all the time. Yeah. Yeah, I've done it. I did it, uh, when we had to evacuate our house for fires, we went to a hotel and the first thing I did, I did Postmates and brought us groceries and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm listening to you talk and your whole thing is I'm not talking to millions of people, I'm gonna talk to one person. So my wheels are just turning at how different rappers approach.


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[Assistant] But do you think it came, cause it sounds like the bus and all that, that's, it's equivalent to like what the open mic is for the comedian, you know, you're doing


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[Assistant] Some too short stuff, you're gonna get attention. You're talking about bitches sucking your stuff and-


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[Assistant] It was like 08, 09? Yeah, it was a fucked up time. So how do you find, uh, the hoes? How do you find a girl who's a good candidate?


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[Assistant] Well, let's be, let's be specific. Why, why, look at a little lady like me. I know I'm too old to be a hoe. Let's say it's me like 20 years ago. Am I, am I somebody that could, that you would choose as a kid? Where are you from? I grew up in the San Fernando Valley.


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[Assistant] I want a nice house, I want a nice car, I want like health insurance.


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[Assistant] Let me ask you this, okay, let's say there's a gentleman, with a lot of money,


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[Assistant] He wants to do something. Okay, maybe he wants, he and his friend want to double anal with me.


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[Assistant] And how much do I have to work? Like every night? Or do I get a night off? Days? Two? What's my schedule like?


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[Assistant] They dare to not give you all the cash?


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[Assistant] Don't even talk to me about your old hoes. Why? You're just the nastiest of all of them. I was pretty nasty. Oh stop. You guys are married, right? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh right, and there's no pressure? You don't feel the pressure?


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[Assistant] Now, two-form, may I ask you something? You don't think if you could find a nice lady who took care of you, cook for you, that you could wife up, like would you ever wife a lady up?


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[Assistant] But I mean, is there, uhm, a missus too short in the future?


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[Assistant] Is there a business where I can just fart in his face or kick him in the nuts and I don't have to let him touch me? God.


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[Assistant] So they're bottom bitches, your favorite, the Queen's favorite.


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[Assistant] Oh wow, so she's even elevated above, she kinda helps you in business decisions.


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[Assistant] Let me ask you this, and this might be a stupid question, but I'm assuming- They've all been, they've all been stupid questions.


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[Assistant] You sew it into the lining of jackets and shit like that.


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[Assistant] So, what is the big deal? What's the big issue with my brother?


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[Assistant] Robert simply asked Kerry to tell the truth. Do a deposition with his attorneys that the things that he was saying was not true.


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[Assistant] And he said, if you do this deposition with my attorneys, I will give you $100,000 and a one record contract deal.


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[Assistant] I'm feeling traditional, hers, she.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it depends on how this episode goes, I could, I could fluctuate.


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[Assistant] I did. So many mommies came out. So thank you for everybody who went to the House of Brews on uh, Saturday night. Super fun.


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[Assistant] Late show, we're gone. It's all gone. Almost, I think. There's like 20 tickets left on the late show.


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[Assistant] And then January 10th here in Hollywood at the Comedy Store, I'm doing the main room. January 31st through 2nd of February, Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works. February 28th through March 2nd, Madison, Wisconsin at the Comedy Club on State.


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[Assistant] Then in April I'm doing mini apple tits at Acme, and then May 10th and 11th Tempe, Arizona. Tempe! Tempe! A lot of people have been asking me about Arizona, I'm doing Tempe.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, darts are crazy because they put them in pubs.


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[Assistant] Which is probably the worst place you could throw around sharp objects is when people are drinking and drinking heavily. It's craziness.


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[Assistant] Who the fuck is watching darts?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good point. And that is really the benefit of being a professional dart player is that you can be an alcoholic and a professional athlete at the same time.


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[Assistant] Don't you wish all sports, if, if football players were


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[Assistant] Bunch of slap dicks. That's why I like-


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[Assistant] Rex Ryan so much, cause he was always talking some shit.


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[Assistant] Well see, that's the thing about life and then the representation of life on television, like,


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[Assistant] Why can't we just discuss that the guy farted? It's not a big deal. It's a fart. You're right, but the NFL and then they're like, well, we can't, we have a whole cement... Well, it's this whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're not high- Listen, if you're specializing in darts, you're hanging out in bars. That's pub culture, that's why. These guys hang out in bars, get hammered, and throw, uh, throw needles around.


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[Assistant] The only thing more boring is that, uh, curling that the Canadians do. I mean, what the fuck is that even about?


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[Assistant] And I had to do a shit to shower. Cause normally I rely on the Toto to clean up the remnants, but there was so much of a schmear on the toilet paper. It was like a Hershey Kiss was melted in there and I, I just knew that I needed soap and water. Why did you just run the bidet?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I still get the leaky butt. It's like a never ending wipe.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I went Mediterranean, and then we had sausage last night, like, I'm sorry, salams.


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[Assistant] You're very upset with their lack of proper signage.


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[Assistant] And especially I like the seasonal items too. They got that gingerbread house you can make now. My favorite are those Italian squares, the chocolate wafer squares.


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[Assistant] Crazy. You know what I really like there are the freeze dried strawberries. Have you ever gotten a pouch full of those frozen dried strawberries? I have not. I have not.


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[Assistant] The thing is, they're just strawberries, but they're prepared like astronaut food. So they're crunchy. It's just fun. It's like a silly way to eat your, your brosteries.


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[Assistant] That's just anything fried is what you're saying.


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[Assistant] How come though, and I'm being serious, it's a very serious scientific question. How come when you have like a mushy wipe, okay?


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[Assistant] But how come when I wash it out with soap and water, it stops the leaky butt? But let's just say I just do a washlet, but I do a thorough washlet. It's not the same. Why does the soap stop it?


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[Assistant] Tell me why the soap in the wash does a more thorough job. It stops the leaky butt right in its tracks.


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[Assistant] That's a really good point. So it's not, you're telling, wait a minute, you're telling me it's not the soap and the water and the wash that's doing it, but that rather I am standing and my muscles are kind of going back.


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[Assistant] And I'm, I'm interesting. It's all going back.


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[Assistant] Wow. Now, speaking of butt topics, we had a guest over at our home, um, who's a physician's assistant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were getting to hear some cool stories about working in an ER as a physician's assistant. And uhm, this person was telling us that they saw a lot of things in people's butts.


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[Assistant] Do you know how stupid I was when, cause she made that joke. She was like, oh, he just fell out of a hat. And I was like, really?


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[Assistant] Why would, but that's like a cup. Why would you put a cup in your butt? Like a red one.


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[Assistant] May I tell you what's offensive about this video already? She goes, bitch I'm Heidi Flies. But let me tell you something about Heidi Flies.


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[Assistant] She just a hoe. Heidi was the hoe. She was the pimp, you know what I'm saying? She's a smart lady. Hoe manager. Yeah. No. This bitch can't even say her name.


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[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not good at rapping, but I, even I know that her tempo is not, right, like she's not keeping up with the...


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[Assistant] Actually, a lot of people have $10,000 tits, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does $10,000 seem low to you for a pair of boobs?


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[Assistant] What are you, wait, let me guess first. I'm gonna go, she's the, she does the interracial.


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[Assistant] A lot of black guy stuff. Like, black. I'm gonna go for, just judging by her demeanor, what I've seen.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna go for, uhm, interracial gangbang. Like, the five black guys on her kind of thing.


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[Assistant] However, I would say that if I were, uhm, an adult entertainer that I would try to make songs too.


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[Assistant] I feel like it's a good marketing tool if she was decent at it.


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[Assistant] I even rewatched our submissions from last week. That's what I'm saying, they're so funny. The guy with the fans was fucking amazing.


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[Assistant] You know what that guy really captured? I'd like the fan work, I like the dirt. The movement? The eyes. Oh, the eyes, yeah. No. His intense, relentless eye contact. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I can't believe she's not making your mom's house podcast her priority.


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[Assistant] Fucking quit that job and take our call, Julia.


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[Assistant] It's taken over the house. It's taken over our lives.


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[Assistant] He's from Afghanistan, just so you know, which I've never really met. Well, is he? His parents are.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't know. That's on all the bumper stickers. I'm trying to think of where the actual Afghanistan of America is.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, you know he puts it in his schedule. He has 30 minutes a day allocated for golf.


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[Assistant] Can we get back to dad anger? It's funny, I think my dad was angry a lot. Now that I think back.


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[Assistant] And I, there was a car parked long ways against a wall, and I just fuckin' smashed into this guy's car. I was 16 years old, and I just fucked this car. And he was, that was when he had the maddest at me, I think.


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[Assistant] Similar, or something similar to something else.


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[Assistant] And it's still not to the point, or you're a lesbian, so you're outside of, of being fuckable, and therefore you're a, you're given a little more leeway to have a voice. But we're still not, it's still not there where you can be like, I'm just a person that tells jokes. I'm not your mom, I'm not the girl you wanna fuck, and I'm not an unfuckable dyke. So, you know what I'm saying, like.


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[Assistant] But, uh, but I feel the same way, yea, as a female comedian, like, if you're actually saying something about the world, it's like, woah, we don't really know.


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[Assistant] You know what's interesting about Netflix is that when I had a meeting with them to go over when I did my first special there, they're like, we found out that research shows that it's not broken down by demographics the way you think it is. For instance, it's not only


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White women watching Orange is the New Black. You know what I'm saying? It's not all girls who look like Piper watching that shit. Like you'll have like the black woman in...


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[Assistant] Did you know that there, well, remember that porn we played that was, uhm, about Saddam Hussein?


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[Assistant] I like how they're like, Veronica Cain in Afghanistan, like the whole country.


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[Assistant] Can I- Oh my god. Can I tell you what I figured out? What? I know why he's goddamn weird. Why?


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[Assistant] I'm being serious. I think he might be slightly autistic.


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[Assistant] Because A, he mimics a lot of what he sees as being normal human behavior and that's probably why he's not reading well on social media. Cause he's not, he's really not relatable.


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[Assistant] And all of his interviews are fucking weird and a little ass-burger-y. But he's really good at what he does. He's pretty meticulous, right?


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[Assistant] Just, he's fu- he's highly- I'm not saying he's like full. Just a dash of Asperger. I'm gonna go- I like that.


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[Assistant] That's what I think is really happening. I think it's fake, I'm so, I don't know, I don't know if it's gonna go this way.


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[Assistant] Well I had a friend that's like, my mother and I do it every year, like you were saying, we take turns standing in line, so it's like a fun thing, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, white trash though. Hey. To be clear. I don't know if I would call them white trash. Yeah, there's different levels of white. I mean, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] God, the baby needs- Could you imagine being that baby? It sucks.


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[Assistant] That's probably why you and I lasted and we, I mean, I basically was like, just come over, we'll go to a bar.


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[Assistant] But that, but that's good, cause you don't want to have to fight some chick to like you, that's terrible.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna go drunk, old school. Alcohol abuse? Pot?


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[Assistant] I would rather talk about brown and enjoy the talks than eat your scrum. Do you know what I mean? Like if I'm talking about what I'd prefer, how much joy?


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[Assistant] I have a question for you. Let's say you've just eaten a bunch of Afghan food, right? Right. This is a great segue.


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[Assistant] There you go. Perfect. Okay. So you've had your curry.


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[Assistant] And it's the morning and you're dump, dump, dumpin' and it's a messy brown and you go to wipe.


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[Assistant] And you just go, like, you know when you wipe and you're like, oh boy, this is a disaster, like, this is gonna require a lot of cleanup, right?


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[Assistant] So we have a total washlet. Have you ever used that?


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[Assistant] But my question is, what do you do in that? Like, do you just go to shower?


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[Assistant] Like you wipe, wipe, wipe, but the brown keeps coming down. Like a never ending wipe scenario. But how come when you go in the shower and then you wash it with soap and water, the never ending wipe stops? What's your theory?


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[Assistant] It's cause I'm a mother and I hate seeing people getting hurt. Men are destroyers, women are creators, you know what I mean? Yeaah. I create life, you guys fucking kill each other. Yeaah. Serial killers, all male, mostly. Murderers, male, mostly.


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[Assistant] It adds another layer of triggering layer for me. So I'm, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go number one on the hand boning guy cause it pisses me.


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[Assistant] Ew, and look at the indentations of the toes. I know.


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[Assistant] I'm so torn on the Birkenstock because on the one hand, imagine the comfort you must feel wearing them. They do look like the ultimate comfort shoe.


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[Assistant] I just, my problem is they're so unfashionable. And I'm not a big fashionista, but they're so unfuckable. Like you're just, ugh, you're really giving in to not having size again. I don't like that.


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[Assistant] I had a land lady that composted and she'd get mad if I didn't put my table scraps on her compost heap.


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[Assistant] Okay, I'm thrilled. Ready? Yes. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


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[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me.


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[Assistant] Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know. Cause I've been there.


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[Assistant] And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and.


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[Assistant] Nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, here we are. It's time for your mom's house podcast. Do you get it? Tom and Christina.


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[Assistant] There's a natural disaster happening.


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[Assistant] Let's see, it's an exciting week for me, uh, natural disasters aside, because, uh, I'm going...


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[Assistant] This week to Montclair, New Jersey, the Wellmont, both shows are sold out.


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[Assistant] I'm doing four shows at the Miriam in Philadelphia.


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[Assistant] Uh, the only show with tickets left, and now it's even more limited, is the Late Show Friday, November 16th. That's exciting, but also November 16th, Instant Family, the movie that I shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Earlier this year, I was gone for a while, uhm, it's really a great movie. It's a family movie. It's not in the theme of your mom's house. It's not an R-rated comedy, but it is a great film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sean Andrews directed it, stars Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne, and, uh, yours truly has a fun part in it. Uh, I've seen it, I'm gonna go see it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, even pay attention by the way to my Instagram. I might even do a screening at a theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometime in the next few weeks, and uh, I'll invite people, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pay attention to that. Uhm, that'll be here in the Los Angeles area. Maybe out in the Valle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but anyways, I appreciate all your support. Anybody that goes and sees Instant Family, it, uh, it's very beneficial to me and to the people who made this great movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the tour stuff, TomSegura.com slash tour. You guys know that, uh, that tour has been growing and growing. And we just added a second show in Cincinnati. Hometown, coming through for me. We added a second show at the Aronoff, uh, I think it's the Center for the Arts. That's February 15th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that week I'm also doing two in Pittsburgh, two in Cleveland, and two in DC.


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[Assistant] You know, we're gonna have to tell them about the way you said free there. I think we might have to start doing that all the time when something's free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's open the show properly, real proper, like, night. Hey, I really got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. All right. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Oh shit. Oh boy. Here we go. Crazy train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. All this chaos, by the way, started on our anniversary.


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[Assistant] It was fucked up. We had a very special. Okay. So I plan this, uh, it was like, we're going to do something real special. 10 year anniversary, do something really special. So I plan just one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have babies, you know, we have a young kid you can't be away for long. No. I play him one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very special place. It's going to be a great evening. It's just you and I. And we went up to Napa, to uh, wine country, to nappy headed, uh, wine country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And while we're up there, it's like, we check in, I'm like, what is that? And they're like, that's ash. I'm like, ash. You're like, yeah, there's a big fire up in a Butte County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] California. Okay, Butt County, California. So.


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[Assistant] We had, uh, okay, we're like, is that a threat here? Like, not really.


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[Assistant] It's 200 miles from here they tell us. Yea, 200 miles and then all of a sudden later they're like, hey that fire's spreading 800 yards a minute. It's uh, it's growing. I was like, that's pretty fast. 800 yards a minute? So anyway, as that's happening,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're up there, we're still enjoying ourselves, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was threatened. I mean, like, it smelled. You could see that, uhm, what would be a clear view is actually, like, there's, remember we were like, why is it hazy? Like, oh, that's smoke from the fire. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit's happening, and then we go, uhm, we're hanging out, and then we get word that, oh, there's a fire in Southern California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A year ago, there was the big Thomas fire and a couple of those in the LA area. Remember when like the near the Getty was on fire? Yea.


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[Assistant] Now this one is like unprecedented, the way that it's spread and the perfect conditions for fire, you know, because you have, uh, like,


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[Assistant] What is it? Zero, yeaah, zero humidity. So super dry. Big Santa Ana winds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And usually, I mean, those poor people that are in that, in the Malibu area, they always get it. And they got it again, but this time it started to spread further south and, uh, east.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which threatens where we live as well. So I'm sure if you follow social media, you saw Rogan got evacuated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lives, uh, west of us, but uhm, yeaah, so we, we had to, you know, they're telling us, we don't have like a, we're not at the mandatory yet, but we also, you know, we have kids, we have, we have dogs and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very scary. I know you start seeing, I mean, fire is always scary and you see these big fires and they're showing last night. We're just seeing like all these homes just completely collapse and cars on fire and they're like all these people died in their car. It's just horrible stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, in a horrible scenario, I thought about it too. It's like, this uh, studio could be gone.


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[Assistant] We got dildos, strap-ons, uh, we got the fisting thing, we got the cuffs, fleshlights, yea, toilet paper, like all the real family important stuff.


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[Assistant] Don't know about, uhm, so today, like overnight, Friday going into Saturday,


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[Assistant] The winds died. The winds are the worst thing for fires. This is why it's a catastrophe right now. They blow the embers and it starts anew. So it died, the winds died and they got like some work done and put out some, you know, very little containment.


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[Assistant] I saw that thing today where they said there's 900 firefighters, which, you know, I don't know what that sounds like to you. That doesn't sound like a lot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, when you talk about the scope of this thing, it's really big.


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[Assistant] Uh, we went to, uh, Napa. It was beautiful there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the afternoon, we did make marital love.


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[Assistant] I remember you gave me a nut check before, you're like, you are backed up.


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[Assistant] That's hot. Everybody likes that. Everybody likes that.


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[Assistant] How about this guy on the train though? Can we watch him for a minute? What cities is this in? Uhm, I'm saying I'm going with East Coast.


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[Assistant] He's fucked up, but he's also, this is smart advertising. This is how somebody takes advantage of an opportunity. You have potential customers all around you. You have a voice that works. Might as well announce that if you're looking for weed, you get on the 4 train and all summer I'm gonna be here selling it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, well, I mean, look, weed's not that big of a deal anymore to most people, but you're still sometimes looking like where to get it. And if I'm on this train, I'm like, oh, I just hop on the four train. This guy's going to be selling weed.


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[Assistant] If I'm like, I take the floor train five days a week. Oh, I'll just look for this guy.


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[Assistant] It's good. It's a lot of jackets. But it's probably to hide all that weed.


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[Assistant] Interesting, you always have this thing where you get to people watch and you can go, sometimes people give you the signal like,


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[Assistant] It's okay to watch me. You know what I mean? They'll have a look to them that like, I know I'm fucking weird, but you can watch me. They know.


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[Assistant] I have thought that, I thought like, does Brad Pitt just fucking show up places and he's like, hey do I need a sign? I'm in line.


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[Assistant] Because there's so many levels to fame, you know. Like I remember I did Jury Duty a few years ago and Adam McKay was behind me and I was like, oh shit. But he's also like this very...


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[Assistant] Progressive, you know, like I could see him being like, this is my, my civic duty. And he's also, he's famous, but he's not famous in the way that like people are going to swarm him.


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[Assistant] Right, so I knew it was him, uh, but you know, he's the writer, director, he did everything from Anchorman to, uh, he just did that new one that's gonna come out, uh, with, about Vice President Cheney.


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[Assistant] Uh, where I showed you the trailer where it's fucking Christian Bale.


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[Assistant] He did that one about the, you know, the stock market, the long, what is it? Long story short, what is it called? You know what I mean? Steve Corral also had Christian Bale. It was about like,


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[Assistant] Taylor Swift showed up, uh, that was on the news.


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[Assistant] And how do they, how do they get away with it if they're like, I can't, like how do they get away with it? Who do they tell he's too famous to go down? And especially like, you know, with Jury Duty, if Taylor Swift can go, you're fucking asking me. That's right.


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[Assistant] Oh, but that's still the same area. That is still the same area. That's the same exit there. Oh, okay. That's the same area.


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[Assistant] I don't know why he's so threatened by all these gay men.


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[Assistant] About that part he's lying. The other stuff he might be telling the truth about.


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[Assistant] I think he's selling weed on the four train. I think his wife died. Uhm, I think he wants you to wash your ass. I don't think he wants you to have a stinky box, but I don't think he has threesomes every Saturday.


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[Assistant] Remember when you are a kid though, and you see like a crazy drunk guy? It really fucks with you if you see a guy like that. It's terrifying. I remember vividly, we were visiting Chicago.


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[Assistant] And we went to church because we always had to go to church and we're leaving church and this is like in the city in, in somewhere downtown Chicago. We're leaving and there was a crazy lady on the corner and I'm young. I mean, I'm nine or 10.


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[Assistant] And I was just like holding onto my dad and I was like, oh shit. Cause I didn't have a concept of that's a mentally sick or highly inebriated person.


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[Assistant] She told her shut up. Everyone, fuck everyone who doesn't run AC and opens windows.


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[Assistant] I remember too, this irrational fixation with numbers, like, we would run the AC, but I remember my dad would be like, put it to 70 to 3, and I'd be like, wait, but that's not cool enough, it's 100 today. That feels good to me. And he'd be like, it's good temperature.


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[Assistant] You know, if you went below that, he'd be like, why are you adjusting it? It's fucking hot outside. Let it be cool in here.


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[Assistant] Such like a, well it's gotta be that number. No, it's gotta be cool.


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[Assistant] No such thing. There's no such thing as too cool in the, in the, like dead of summer.


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[Assistant] I can't stand you, but listen, I- I can't stand you. Uhm, so when I was in, uh, Florida a few weeks ago,


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[Assistant] Sometimes this happens at shows where you finish a show and as you're saying, uh, thank you, good night to the audience, someone in the front row will try to hand you something. You know, so, and you know, you usually are like, what is it? Cause it's kind of a crazy rush of, you know, happening. Like you're saying goodbye, people are applauding, you're walking off stage and someone's like, let me give this to you.


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[Assistant] And a lot of times it'll be, I don't know, sometimes it's something someone drew.


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[Assistant] Uh, sometimes it's like food or something, you know, sometimes you look at something and you're like, I can't, what am I supposed to do with this? It's just shit that's, you know, it's hard to say whether it's something you want, right?


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[Assistant] Anyways, the other day that show ended and this guy had something. I'm like, okay. And I reached forward. This guy handed me.


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[Assistant] A DVD copy of riding the bus with my sister.


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[Assistant] I think this came in, oh it was a while ago for sure.


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[Assistant] So that's the movie. Anyways, you wanna try to watch it over the weekend?


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[Assistant] So this is Matthew McConaughey. And uh, what's that actor's name there? That was, he's such a famous actor.


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[Assistant] That guy from, uh, Game of Thrones. Peter Dinklage. Very famous dwarf, yea.


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[Assistant] Okay, so here's the trivia on this. Director Matthew Bright was fired after he turned in this cut. And the whole film was then re-edited. Peter Dinklage has said the original director's cut, which screened in Austin, was gorgeous. But the people who fired him ruined the movie. So.


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[Assistant] Who knows, uhm, it looks really nuts though. God, I wanna see it so bad. I look so stupid. I know, it's like, it's just...


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[Assistant] But I mean, it sounds like a student film voiceover.


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[Assistant] He's like, careful, I got midget coming there. And then they cut to the next scene.


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[Assistant] Really crazy, man. Tiptoes. Tiptoes. But that voiceover guy, you're not fixated on that? I cannot get over that guy. It's horrible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it's like the copy is bad, and his, they got like the cheap voiceover guy.


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[Assistant] I told you when I met Matthew McConaughey, right? No. I was at a party. Yeah. So I used to hang out with his, I took an acting class like 2003.


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[Assistant] One of the guys in my class was a tennis instructor to a very wealthy lady whose husband divorced her. She lived across the street from Matthew McConaughey and directly next to her lived an arms dealer, like a Saudi arms dealer who had bulletproof cars and shit.


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[Assistant] And one night I went over, I was hanging out, we go, he's like, oh, the neighbor's having a party. The arms guy is like, I don't know, close to 60, and everyone at this party is in their 20s, right?


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[Assistant] And then I see someone on his basketball court, uh, wearing swim trunks and nothing else.


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[Assistant] Who the fuck is that? It's Matthew McConaughey. McConaughey. And then he comes over and the girls are like, oh my god, it's a bath of McConaughey.


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[Assistant] And the girl goes, how do you spell that? And he goes, that's a good question. And then he's spelled by Kanahe. And then she goes, can you say it again? And he was like, yeah.


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[Assistant] And he spelled his last name again, and then I realized because he has this great, lush hair.


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[Assistant] And then gone. And somehow, and this is like early 2000s, that was in the, uh, you know, like Us Weekly.


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[Assistant] There's pictures of that party. The goggles. No, just him being at this party.


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[Assistant] It's very, yeah, very odd. Very odd experience. I was like, oh, that's Matthew McConaughey. He's just like us.


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[Assistant] Just like us. He plays basketball in his shorts with swimming goggles on. Just like us. Yep.


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[Assistant] The gaze. Uhm, Gene, would you like to try a would you rather?


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[Assistant] I think this is, uh, yeaah, this came in here from our listeners. Hi mommies, love you both, love the Pomcast.


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[Assistant] After a major decadent dinner binge, followed by some dental care, I thought of this would you rather. Would you rather never be able to floss again? Oof.


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[Assistant] But only half of the calories of every food you eat counted.


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[Assistant] Or, floss with abandon. Never have another dental update issue again.


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[Assistant] But all of the foods you eat count as one and a half times their calories.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, a former fatty with great teeth, Ariana.


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[Assistant] I know, right? I would just be too fat. I'd be such- I mean, I feel like my body already processes calories as double what they're worth.


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[Assistant] So you give me this thing, I'm fucking 400 pounds by the fall. I mean by, by the new year.


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[Assistant] I have so much, I mean, it's always a struggle, and I think it'll always be a struggle, but I have so much awareness about food and exercise now, especially in the last couple years, and I realize how


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[Assistant] Weak and vulnerable I can be to this, especially because we, uh, we had a driver who picked us up who had a box of pastries. He was like, oh, I got these this morning.


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[Assistant] And we got to our hotel and I was like, I feel sick. And you're like, oh, what's wrong? I'm like, I don't know. I think I just ate too many pastries right now because I couldn't control myself.


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[Assistant] I really couldn't. I was like, yeah, if somebody's just like, oh, do you want these delicious treats? I'm like, okay. I don't do the normal thing of like, I'll have one or no, I'm good. I already ate. Yeah.


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[Assistant] All of it. It's such a struggle.


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[Assistant] My boyfriend and I are listening to your old would you rathers, we have a quick new one for the mommies. Okay. Would you rather go pee, would you rather go pee pee in your pants every time you do a stand up show? Fuck.


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[Assistant] Can't make it this easy, of course I'm gonna stand there in my piss. I'm not gonna sit here in my shitpants and do podcasts.


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[Assistant] You pee on like any exertion of saying something.


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[Assistant] Like soaked, yeah. Soaked. Would you rather sit in soaked pants? Stand in soaked pants or sit in shit pants?


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[Assistant] So fucking nasty. Here's a cool guy.


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[Assistant] This cool dad right here. Okay. Dressed up as a Nazi and dressed his son up as Hitler.


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[Assistant] Cause that's what you think of when you see people in Nazi gear. You're like, this guy fucking loves history. You watch that, uh, you watching that history channel thing? And he's like, yeah, how'd you know? I'm like, well, you're wearing that Nazi gear.


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[Assistant] I love, but what's even more amazing is uh, how brash it is to get upset that people were upset about it. I mean this guy wore this to a Halloween event.


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[Assistant] And he got upset with people who got upset with him.


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[Assistant] He wore an SS outfit, dressed his five year old son as Hitler, put him in a fake mustache, swastikas, photo was taken, he was at an Owensboro annual event, which kids trick or treat.


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[Assistant] And we often dress as historical figures. Okay. Tonight as we walked we saw people dressed as murderers.


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[Assistant] This guy had an axe in his head. Blood falling out of his head. Nobody said anything.


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[Assistant] I'm different. I approve Jews. So I'm not like that guy.


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[Assistant] I mean, I like hi- I mean, this is like a coincidence. I like history. And then it so happened, I was dressed as a history guy. And then you guys- maybe you need to read more history. That's- that's kid's defense. I guess you don't like history at all.


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[Assistant] It's something, I think you've always been like this by the way, that's why I'm glad somebody sent this in. That it's, you get uncomfortable watching old people be flirty or sexy.


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[Assistant] And this guy, I think he's recording his dad flirting on the phone.


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[Assistant] That's like someone's dad. Talking in front of him too, right? That's weird.


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[Assistant] Imagine talking in front of your kid like, you're getting me all warmed up right now.


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[Assistant] Giving you a feel in all kinds of ways of getting horny. So nasty.


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[Assistant] No, he was, he was in his room. I walked in like unannounced and he had already showered and he was putting on underwear. I saw him bend down. And I saw these big pig nuts from behind.


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[Assistant] And it'll just be, I'll have like 50 male fans all over the world who's like, fart on your balls for us, Tom! And I'll be like, PayPal me!


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[Assistant] For stuff like that. I don't know. I don't know. I gotta study the market.


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[Assistant] Man, if people were sending you a hundred bucks per fart, multiple people.


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[Assistant] That'd be my video. I tuck my balls between my legs right near my asshole and I go, check this out. I fart on my balls. And people are like, Oh my God, your videos get me so hot.


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[Assistant] I wonder if this guy can do it. I had this video for a while, but I didn't know. I figured you would like this guy, so I saved it for a minute, and then I don't know.


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[Assistant] I don't know, the whole thing, it kind of makes me squirm. What is it about it?


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[Assistant] It's a good submission is what you're saying. It is very close. He is wearing a shirt which is a little depressing.


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[Assistant] What's wrong with his skin? This is a very close, almost microscopic view of what's wrong. This is what a dermatologist would be seeing.


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[Assistant] Yep, a lot of stuff. Not, not lacking in stuff.


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[Assistant] There's gotta be a linguistic expert who I would please love your, uh, your review of his Aramaic because that, especially that exchange sounded like I can make up anything and nobody will know that this is not Aramaic.


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[Assistant] That's Aramaic. This head tilt back moment is my favorite.


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[Assistant] You know, I'm just practicing my Aramaic. How do you say that in Aramaic? Look at those girls.


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[Assistant] I try to tell you that they're really feeling it when that happens, you know? That JC is tapping, I'm like, hey, I gotta tell you something.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think Dr. Drew would say, well, there's a little bit of hoarding, uhm...


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[Assistant] Definitely is not welcome. There might be some mental illness here.


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[Assistant] When I don't have my chicken, I get a little wire-wise.


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[Assistant] You know what the thing that fucking sucks about an evacuation, like what we're about to do, is just the logistics of it. The packing up things. That's the part that actually is the most annoying, right? You're like, fuck, I gotta get everything together. That part sucks.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and then this I figured would be, uh, somebody sent this. This would be of interest to you. Hey Tad and Katrina.


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[Assistant] And I guess in a museum of some kind in Columbus, Ohio. Enjoy. I'm not too dumb to cum, Lindsay.


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[Assistant] Hey fucking Gosling, why couldn't this be in the movie?


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[Assistant] I notice though, there's nothing, nothing here about coming.


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[Assistant] What they do when they finish, you know, shooting their load. Where does that go? You know?


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[Assistant] He's jacking his dick in space. And then right as he's about to load his load, he's like, uh.


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[Assistant] Alright, so, it's an unusual week for us, uhm, we didn't actually know if we would be able to record anything after this thing started because, again, our studio's in our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna be leaving, I don't know if we're coming back Monday, Tuesday, later, I don't know what's happening. Ever? I know.


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[Assistant] places that are accepting donations for people in need


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[Assistant] Uhm, so I'll try to find that and post that. Look on our social media. Twitter and uhm, Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll, uh, no, I, fuck, it's weird to say, but they posted it, they put it up, so I'll just tell you. We have, uhm, all our holiday stuff, our holiday merch went out, uhm, or is coming out this coming week, so.


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[Assistant] It's, uh, it's like there's a bunch of, you know, there's ornaments, there's a stocking this year. The, uh, the sweater last year was Santa wears jeans this week. This year it's a Jesus wore jeans and there's also a Jesus wore jeans t-shirt. Um, last year we donated a portion of our proceeds to children's hospital of Los Angeles. This year we're donating to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Starlight Foundation. And that is an organization that tries to make hospital stays


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[Assistant] Uh, get hospital gowns that have like team logos or, you know, kids favorite, um, cartoon characters and.


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[Assistant] The new thing they're going for now is virtual reality, um, for kids in hospitals. So hopefully what we're going to do is, uh, we'll take.


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[Assistant] I hope we're in a position where we can buy a few virtual reality goggles. So, and I'll document that. I documented a shopping trip last year to Toys R Us, which amazingly, I think the next month Toys R Us went out of business.


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[Assistant] I know it was crazy. I was like, I was just there and we bought like carts of toys and we dropped it off, um, at the donation site. But, um, I'll do something like that this year where I'll document it. I like documenting it, showing you what we're doing. So.


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[Assistant] We'll do that again this year. Again, this is a weird week for us, man, but, uh, hopefully we'll be back, uhm, in another week and we'll have, uh, something to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about and we'll be in a much lighter and fun, more fun mood. But until then, um, we're going to leave you. I don't even have, where's my, I got, I gotta play a song. I don't have my songs. I gotta have a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see what I got here. Okay. I got something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, love you guys and we'll see you soon. Bye bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


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[Assistant] Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know. Cause I've been there.


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[Assistant] And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and.


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[Assistant] Nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go full throttle. I could see me falling in love with you. It just, I don't know, I just looked in your eyes and I just melt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is the type of guy you get. I'm a very handy guy, and uh, I'd love to build you whatever you want.


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[Assistant] Uh, you know, something's been sitting heavy on my mind. Uh, when you mentioned something about wanting to get back with your ex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't look in the past. Believe me, I know. I know, don't look in the past. Oh god. See these, see these fans back here? I built these fans. Every, every, every square inch of them. And, and never, and never look back. Let's go full trottle. Ciao. Muah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you're doing our son, but I don't think I'm doing Busta Rhymes.


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[Assistant] Uh, thanks Trash Beats. I don't know if I'm supposed to say cake or kake.


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[Assistant] Well, it was a crazy weekend, first of all. Amazing. Thank you so much to everybody that came out. Uh, I had Jeff Tate with me. We did nine shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started in Montclair, we went to Titsburg, we were in Cincy, my hometown, then we went to Cleveland and we ended up in...


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[Assistant] What's it called? We ended up in, uh, DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we almost did, but I ended up having such great food on the road. Uh, cause I make sure I, I don't want to fall apart. Get all, you know, get all Bart bodied. So I, I, uh, I get chicken and fish and.


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[Assistant] Went to this place, we got food from the porch in Pittsburgh, I think it's called porch. Holy shit, man.


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[Assistant] Here's what's coming up. Uhm, Tampa's all sold out. Uh, you can still go to the Hard Rock, the Seminole Hard Rock in Hollywood, Florida. Uh, that's March 9th. And that, you can still get tickets to that. That's at the, the big room at the casino there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I go to Portland, Maine on March 26th. The 27th is sold out. The 26th has about 100 tickets. You can try to go to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, then Red Bank and Long Island. Oh, the Late Show in New Haven has tickets. The Early Show is sold out. That's March 30th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get tickets to The Late Show, March 11th, or excuse me, April 11th, in Madison. The Late Show, April 12th, in Milwaukee. And The Late Show, April 14th, in Nashville. Chicago was sold out, but we added a show June 2nd. Uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but we added a show May 1st in Portland, Oregon at the Keller Auditorium. That's on sale. And we added a fifth show at the Moore in Seattle May


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[Assistant] 5th, the rest of the show is TomSagura.com slash tour and a huge announcement in April where I announce the second half


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[Assistant] Of my tour, the rest of the year and that's gonna be like 25 more cities. Oh my gosh. Including international dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know, I got international lot lizards to pick up. Geez homie. Yeaah, that's going to be real exciting. Can't wait. You'll be like, uh, parlez-vous my dick in your mouth? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That club, by the way, is another one that's going to ruin you. You're doing like all the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you too. I'm so excited for today. Uhm, there's a couple things happening. First of all, we have uhm, we, so we did a segment last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that we, that uh, with Kyle Kanane. Yes. So you'll see that, things might look a little different because the set changed a little bit. New sponsors, different things. Yea, if you're a viewer.


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[Assistant] If you're a viewer, you'll see changes. If you just listen, you won't really obviously notice much. Uhm, but Kyle was fantastic. I can't believe it had been forever since we podcasted.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so you'll hear stuff that we talk about with him, uhm, that was, it's kinda connected more with the Danny Brown episode, which, I don't know, uhm, if you don't know, if you've never, if you're kinda just watching the show and you're getting into it now or you're listening for the first time and you're like,


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[Assistant] What episode should I point people towards to, you know, get an idea of what this show is like? Dude, give them the Danny Brown episode.


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[Assistant] He's the best guest I think we've ever had. Hands down. That's almost 500 episodes with nothing but mostly comedians.


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[Assistant] And he basically shits on- I mean, that's how good he is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, please subscribe, rate and review it on iTunes. If you watch on YouTube and you subscribe to our YouTube channel, you will automatically get Drew's show. It's fantastic. So it comes out on Fridays on YouTube and I believe Fridays also.


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[Assistant] It's so fun. It's so fun. Uhm, alright, uh, let's, we have, anyway, so we have a Canaan segment from, that is part of this show, and then, uh, Greg Fitzsimmons will be joining us soon.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright, well let's start this show, let's get going. Stupid bitch.


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[Assistant] So this lady, uhm, that was in that clip and...


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[Assistant] The setup here is that she is, this lady is in a convenience store. She bought apple juice, like from the, you know, from the freezer, right? Like from the, from the fridge.


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[Assistant] She's like, it's not sweet enough. It's all super sweet, it's all sugar. She says it's expired, and then, well, I'll let it unfold, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well let's, let's set this up correctly, okay? So this is in a way a big deal, okay? This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. Okay.


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[Assistant] Well here's why, uhm, as the audience knows, for quite some time, you have been accusing me of being a disturbed, psychotic man who loves blood and


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[Assistant] I read this LA Times piece, you know, about Dirty John. Dirty John. Which was, uh, it was like a six or seven part profile that read like a, like a thriller, like a, you know, a book that you just can't put down, right? Like a crime story basically.


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[Assistant] Uhm, about the, you know, what he wrote. And then they went even further and they...


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[Assistant] They did the, uhm, this Bravo mini-series. Uhm, and this thing is exceptionally well done. It stars, uh, Eric Bana and, uh, what's her name? Uh, Britton.


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[Assistant] And so anyways, it's a Bravo miniseries, so well done about the real story. This is a real psychopath and guess who absolutely is obsessed with it? Well, if it isn't old psycho pants herself, Christina.


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[Assistant] Greg what? What's his last name? Do you know his name? Oh, sorry, I thought you were telling me the name of the guy.


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[Assistant] That's the name of the guy, but if you look up, like if you click on maybe like the Wikipedia. John Meehans's name. Yea, that's who John is. But the guy that actually wrote the article and, uhm, you know, did the podcast. It's like Craig something, I believe. Yea, I know.


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[Assistant] Yes, that's who it is. Goffert. Goffert, yes. That's who wrote the LA Times article, that's who started the podcast.


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[Assistant] So that's the actual, the bait, that's the hook in the mouth.


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[Assistant] The story is that this guy is a, he's a lifelong pariah, okay? He targets people, sucks money, life, joy, everything out of them, and he does it in real life. And in this story, he does it to a...


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[Assistant] Yeah, targets her, gets her, hooks her, marries her within eight weeks. Her adult children are like, something's up with this fucking guy.


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[Assistant] They just kind of figure out that like this guy's full of lies and everybody sees it but mom.


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[Assistant] Cause everyone's also had a friend who you're like, you're dating this fucking person? This piece of shit? Yeah. And they're like, what? And you know, cause people will see what they want to see. Totally. And this guy is just...


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[Assistant] The worst part too is like there's one thing where you're so naive that you're oblivious and unaware but when they start telling her and she understands


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[Assistant] That yes! This guy is really bad. Gets it, it's laid out. Yea, she's like, I know, but...


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[Assistant] So because I'm on a, I'm the tour bus champ, I take my bus across the country.


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[Assistant] The bang bus. Yeaah, I take the bang bus across the country, uhm, and I've worked with a couple drivers and they're really nice guys, but they have this life where, you know, they literally, these dudes drive like a trucker would across the nation. Yeaah, it's nice. And you kinda, you know, it's a very specific


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[Assistant] I mean the tour bus drivers have a little bit different. The truck drivers will have a lot of times a cabin they can sleep in there. In the bus driving world in tour buses some drivers will sleep in the bunks, you know, if it's like an arrangement.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and he'll sleep six, seven, eight hours, but it'll be, you know, it'll be arriving to, uh, it'll arrive, it'll arrive somewhere, and he'll sleep until, like, the show is over. You know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but anyways, we asked him about, oh, so he told us, uhm, so one day we got to the Pittsburgh venue. And the Pittsburgh venue...


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[Assistant] Uhm, Carnegie Music Hall in Pittsburgh. Super old, beautiful venue.


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[Assistant] So old, it's one of the only theaters that I've been to that doesn't have showers?


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[Assistant] It was just so cold that it took like an hour to heat it up and I was like, it took too long. So basically it's the first show in, I don't know how long, 15 years that I haven't taken a shower before the show. How stinky were your nuts? Pretty stinky I guess. I showered later.


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[Assistant] But anyways, then we start asking, so oh, he told us, he goes, you know where the best showers are? And I was like, where? He goes, truck stops. And I was like, what? He goes, you have no idea. They're like super high.


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[Assistant] He's like, nicer showers than you find in like 5 star hotels.


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[Assistant] And I was like, you gotta be shitting me. He's like, yeah. And I go, how much are they? 10 bucks.


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[Assistant] And I was like, I want to take a truck stop shower too, you know. I want to get it.


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[Assistant] And then sometimes it's a different arrangement. Sometimes you said, like, you'll know, like, the driver will, like, obviously re- like, knows someone in the area, you'll see, like, cars pulling in, that they're- clearly it's been arranged, like, maybe- Arranged beforehand, you mean? Yeah, like, the guy knows that this girl works in this area. This lizard. So the lizard will show up, and then, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, come on over. And then she gets on the bus and like, now you gotta pay the toll. You know? And then like what you do is...


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[Assistant] Well you can't make chocolate on the bus. We learned that two weeks ago, yeaah. Well you can't, I guess on like the really state of the art, uhm,


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[Assistant] He can shit on his butt. He had it custom designed and then...


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[Assistant] So his bus has like this special grinder and there's like coffee beans. Yeah. Are you kidding? I swear he told me. He goes, what's the point of buying your own bus if you can't shit on it? He's got a really good point. I was like, yeah, of course. But most of them, most of them, here's the thing. You can shit, obviously. It's a toilet.


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[Assistant] You can. And then, you know, they'll tell you, you know, if it's an emergency, obviously don't think twice. But some of them, they're like, you know, there's just the ventilation of it all. Sure. The shit is sitting on the bus with you. And they're like, it'll, you know, I haven't done it, but they'll say, they say it'll find its way into the vents, you know, until they clean it out.


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[Assistant] So yeaah, you hotbag it, you just, you know, you grab a bag from Target or something and you just put that in there and then you just fit into that, tie it up, and then you can just leave it on the front seat, you know?


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[Assistant] A lot of people have been reaching out to us online.


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[Assistant] Uh, we got a number of messages about it, uhm, can read you a few. I'd like to hear it, go ahead. Okay, it says, hello mothers, I am the future CEO of Outback Steakhouse. How do you know that?


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[Assistant] I plan on taking the business into my hands. I have applied online to be the CEO. God damn it.


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[Assistant] He says he has no experience, but he's confident in the next few weeks he'll get the call. And as soon as he gets the call, he's prepared to give us a million dollar check. And on top of that, all Outback locations will indeed give you 5% off your entire appetizer.


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[Assistant] Yes, ciao, Kai. Thanks Kai. I really hope they hire you as CEO.


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[Assistant] Without any experience. Well, that one is obviously a joke. Let's see if this gets any better. Uhm, my name is Nick. I work for the marketing division of Texas Roadhouse. Hey, that's a good sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was forwarded your email. Uhm, we are a fine dining establishment, are very active in our increasing brand awareness.