[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though in quarantine, I hope you're celebrating and good fun and realizing how blessed we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did a frosting to kind of get the top layer of skin. Then they just go deeper and deeper into the skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, by turning it up. This last time was 5.5.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know what happened, but it really got to me. And they're going to crank it up to 6.0 to go a lot deeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if I say out in the sun just right, you can see how much...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's, you can see skin in a lot of spots, I mean.


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[Assistant] Is this what people are looking at? Oh my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I, you know, I'm sure she's, yeah, just denies, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got pretty face, nice hair. Oh, that's a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make beautiful websites for you. You don't need to hire a designer. Squarespace did it all for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo! What's up? We're back in studio. This is actually our first time recording since the holiday. We had banked some episodes and now we're back in studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, doing a fresh episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of holiday talk, a lot of, uh, we gotta talk about gifts. We gotta talk about spending time with family. People, we've been traveling, everyone's been traveling all over the place. Uh, there's a lot to get into. Why don't we just start off real proper, like, and do the show intro and get into it all. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's go, let's go, let's go, here we gooooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay. Well, you know, it was, uh, I should say thank you for, uh, you got me these Gucci glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been getting a lot of fashion nods from people. Yeah, I posted these on the gram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people were like, wow man, you really stepped up your fashion game. And it actually got me thinking to, about, uhm, well, one, uh, blue band who, who obviously helps here quite a bit, produces this show. He went to, uh, China, uhm, over- Kina-i. Kina-i? Is that how you guys say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in Spanish they say China and they also call every Asian person chinos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds super racist when, uh, you speak Spanish and someone's like, oh, this guy's, uh, Japanese. And they're like, Chino. And you're like, nope, he's not Chinese, he's Japanese. And they're like, eh, he's a fucking Chino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You came back with a lot of, uh, really nice gifts, like the hat that I'm wearing. Uhm, did, I mean, I didn't know you went to spend so much money over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so you get like huge discounts. Yeah. But it's not counterfeit or anything like that. No. No. Come on. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Looks great. And you got gifts for all kinds- I was like, damn, Nadav is spending out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So true. Nice. I saw your basketball Jordans. They look really nice. Yup. They look exactly the way they're supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now wait, um, cause I saw on your video on the grunt. On the grunt. Add me on the grunt. Add me on the grunt. Add me on the grunt. I saw on that, that uh, cause by the way, that, that first kid that we, um, opened the show with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a ridiculous kid. Uhm, but I saw the video of you on Instagram walking like in the back hallway, uh, and picking out a snake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hong Kong, Macau, Singapore. I know that like, in a lot of certain parts of the Asian world, you know, blondes, people will be like, woah. Yea, when I was in Korea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how was that garden snake? It was good. It was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For New Year's, thanks for everybody who came to the shows in Honolulu and Maui. Mahalo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I'll walk away and be like, oh, there's still a bunch in the toilet. I forgot to flush, I guess. But I don't, I don't actually shit look and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so good. Pretty great. Look, it's too late guys. I'm already doing buzz cuts. I don't want to. I wish I had a full head of hair, but I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm bald and a lot of you are either there or getting there. 66% of men start to lose their hair by the age of 35 and once you've noticed it can be too late. Soon as you start picking up on that, you act right away. The best way to prevent more hair loss is to do something about it while you still have some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grab the New Year by the follicles and get going. Go to 4HIMS.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com, a one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair hymns as helping guys be the best versions of themselves with licensed positions, FDA approved products to help


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to get going. So dive into 2020 Hair First right now. Our listeners get started with their first month free. Go to 4hims.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forhims.com slash mom. Prescription requires an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Offer valid only a prescribed 3 month minimum prescription. Additional restrictions apply. See website for full details and information. And important safety information. Remember, that's Forhims.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have actually truly been into this in a way that is, like, this is your game now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A whole container of salt. I was like, what are you doing? I was like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now to be clear, to set this up clearly, you regularly take CBD with no THC, and it just is like a pre-bedtime routine that helps you relax and go to sleep. But it is THC free, because they make it with various degrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely no THC, you can get like just a smidge, gradually more, or you can go, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get home around, so you take your T, your CBD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get home around 12, 30, maybe one. No, one. One. Okay, because we started that podcast. It's unbelievable. We already flew in, so we start at like 10pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just goes, and you know how it is, like Rogan podcasts sometimes go three, three and a half hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was super long and uhm, I just remember that I was like, I gotta go, man. Uhm, we had, we were drinking and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I don't know anything yet, I just go like, alright, I'm gonna, I'm so exhausted, cause you know, you talk three and a half hours late at night, I'm just tired, so I just lay down, and then you, I hear you go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy. And I go, yeah, you go, something's wrong. And I'm like, what? And I'm, by the way, I'm spent. I'm like, what? And she's like, something's wrong. I thought she was going to tell me like, we need to make sure you unplug the Christmas lights. I was like, what? She's like, I think I'm having a stroke. I was like, what? And she's like, I feel wrong. I feel something's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she sits up and turns the light on and I'm like, cause you know, like when you're tired and you're like, I finally get to sleep, your body shifts down. So I was like in that mode and I was like, now I gotta like, I'm like, wait, what do you mean? She was like, I just feel, I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, can I see it? And she hands it to me and I'm like, oh, this is the highest dosage THC CBD that they make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I go, you're just, you're just high. I go, you're fine. I go, I know it feels like this, but everything's going to be alright. And she goes, okay. And she just turns the lights off, lays down. And then a second later she goes, no, something's really wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, the reason I feel like I knew what to say, because I've been on your side of it even recently, and all you want when you're like that high is somebody cool and calm around you. You know, you just want someone to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, this is gonna go away. It's just a feeling. So I kept trying to tell you that, you know, cause you can be a bad friend to somebody who's that high and you can be like, you're probably gonna die right now. And really make them go, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did uhm, so Burt has a new TV series with Netflix and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I did an episode of it yesterday with him and Joey Diaz. And, it's, I can't tell you details, but I can tell you that it's basically just an episode of Joey talking and Bert and I laughing. Oh my god. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing here, except just being like a giggler, because Joey's just saying insane shit. You see the whole crew just going like this in the background.


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[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, he was like, you want an edible? I go, no, no, nothing from you. And he was like, bop, bop, bop, like popping them in his mouth, smoking a joint on the set. Just a fucking maniac.


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[Assistant] No, I can't get into any of the stuff. It's great. It is great though.


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[Assistant] I gotta say, they do an amazing job. Like all the Hawaiians were like so friendly, so nice, you know, super outgoing, always offering whatever


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They could, even uhm, I went to one of the shops there and there was a Hawaiian lady shopping and she was like, oh you need to go see this. She was just like so friendly, you know. It's like definitely one of the friendliest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, ethnicities out there is uh, Hawaiians. Definitely. We're thinking about like who you want, who does good service in like the vacation world. And I gotta say, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the time, like when I'm on the road, have you ever been on the road and you leave your hotel room and you see, uhm, a white housekeeper? Yes, it's bizarre. And then you go, oh, I'm gonna go back into my room and take my valuables. Because it's super sketchy to see, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a white lady, you're like mmm, you're into meth. Like you know right away that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I was gonna go to the gym and take my watch off, but I think I'll wear it for this workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best customer service though? No. No, I'm saying best has to be, I think, in the Asian world. You think so? Dude, you fly, when I flew from Hong Kong to Singapore,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I flew on Cafe Pacific, not, I know you're like, oh Tom, first class, no. I flew economy, like a fucking loser. And, they treat you with so much respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you, you just, you feel like, you're like, you're like, I know I'm a piece of shit, I'm in the back of this plane, but they're like, no, you're not. You're a real person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. So rare. They treat you so well. All over the place. All over the place. I mean, here's the thing, there is a cultural, uhm, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aspect of respect in the Asian world, right? Like it's bigger to respect your elders, treat people with dignity, and that is, it bleeds into not just those personal relationships, but into their professional world, into customer service. So you just get better service in the Asian world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know why? Here's the thing. Latin America has a very distinct class system. There's a hierarchy, you know? So people know, they're like, oh, I don't deserve better, I'm here to serve you. I was born into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I'm your servant. I wanna make you happy.


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[Assistant] You know who else has the cast? India. India has that cast system. Yes, yes. 100%. In Latin America, it's still quite troubling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well actually, you know, like in Latin America, speaking of Downton Abbey, right, so there's the owners and then they have their working class butlers and all, right, and it's like, it obviously takes place.


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[Assistant] I remember going to Peru as a kid and like even, so I have a lot of relatives there and some of them do very well and some of them don't. Even though like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A tourist relative who didn't live in a nice apartment and struggled to get by, she had a four times a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my mom would just be like, this is just normal here. And I'm like, why are we such losers that we can't have one in the United States? I know. And she was like, it's too expensive. I was like, you guys got to get your shit together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we go back home and you're like, you pick it up. Like, why don't you get someone to fucking pick it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about in your experience? What do you like, service wise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They encouraged us to have beer. We were like, uh, and they were like, have a beer. And we were like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we have emotions and we feel love. We have to say things.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then she was like, can I get a toner? And I was like, get whatever you want.


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[Assistant] Hawaii has this nice, slow, kinda easy, fun, relaxed kinda style. Doesn't have that New York Jew pace.


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[Assistant] Haha, doesn't have that. New York fast Jew pace. You know? I'm like, yep, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just gets up and walks away. I'm done, I'm cooked. And people are like, is your dad upset? I'm like, oh no, no, he's fine. He's bored with you, so he left.


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[Assistant] I don't even know, he's the only person I know who doesn't like Italian food. I'm serious. He does not like it. That's like a staple of most, like, people's, you know what I mean, like, dining, work, cuisines, here in the States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hates pizza. Hates fuckin' traditional Italian dishes, where you're like, what? And he loves food, so I'm like, how do you- he's like, don't like it. I don't want any of that greaseball shit. Gimme, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was bad. It wasn't nice. I mean, I was, I was like...


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[Assistant] You know, if you meet me and you reach into my pants, you're gonna feel a pair of smooth plums dangling from between my legs with a slightly below average smooth dong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laying on top of it. Why? Because I have Manscape. It's 2020, and you know what that means. New year, new me, new balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hairy bushes are so 2019 if you're gonna pick any new year's resolutions is to take care of your dick and balls and have them smooth so you can stuff them wherever you want with just a little bit of lube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember gouging my testicles with razors and knives and anything to try to get the hair away. It was the worst. Now I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Manscaped redesigned electric trimmer, the Lawn Mower 2.0 has proprietary SkinSafe technology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts. Manscaping accidents are finally a thing of the past. Don't use the same trimmer you use on your face as you use on your balls. Manscape also has the Crop Preserver anti-chafing ball deodorant. You get 20% off and free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start the new year off right by using the best tools for the job. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use our code word mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. She's pretty gullible. So we're like, we got VIP, and because I paid extra, you get to watch them kill the pig. Like they'll slaughter it in front of you. She was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, yeah, but it's an honor. You gotta act like you like it, because it's an honor. You can't be disrespectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she didn't get to, we didn't actually get to watch it die, but they did have it, you know, they have like the pig just like on a plate and Christina grabbed her like, I want you to see something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're doing all this like crazy aggressive. You've seen it before. You've seen it in shows. Yeah. And it's like, it's like a, it's a cool thing, but there was one dude and they're all like pretty yoked called a haka haka dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're doing this thing, and it's cool, but there's one dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not fat boy tits. Breasts. Like, like a curved, beautiful breast. Like sea cups. Yeah, and then I started to see people see it. Like I would look at people and they were like, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were really nice. And they were like, sea cups. At least. Like, beautiful, perfect size breasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, with his breast. Shirtless. Shirtless with his breasts. I'm like, you didn't want to pick one of the other guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the tiddieless guys to do the promo video. This is odd. It was unnerving. It really gave us something to think about and talk about all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, what's up with the guy with the big beautiful breasts? It's so bizarre. So bizarre. Yeah. And then, um, you know, it was like our year end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you told me we had appointments and then I went in person to the spa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's why, okay, I really, I love the spa experience and I really get into, I should probably learn how to meditate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get into a relaxed, meditative state in those places. I really do. I zone out before, I like going in the steam room, I like, and I feel like, like I'm not a talker, right? I don't, when you get a massage, I'm not like, how, so where are you from? If they start, I go shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I zone out and what I hate is that when you do a couples massage,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You not only have to deal with your, now you have a second massage therapist talking to your spouse, sure, but it's just another conversation, and then you're hearing the, uh, uh, uh, and then they're like, whatever. I do not make those noises. Then they're like, how's the pressure for you? And I want to go, hey, how about you shut the fuck up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can relax over here. I'm trying to relax, right? So to me, it's not a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, you don't experience romance in that situation. You're both face down in the hole, right, and your face is in the donut. Like, you're not massaging each other, so how is it, how is it supposed to be romantic? I don't get it. It doesn't feel romantic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we would like to take separate vacations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing was you're like, I think they're just friends. I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six foot two. I don't know. 330 pound guys with beards. Just hanging out at this resort together. You know, they're like, they're two bros like, you wanna go to Hawaii? Chill with me? No. These guys were lovers. I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eatin' fuckin' burgers and biscuits by the pool. You know they were just like, gettin' a little sun, go back, get a good fuckin'. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fun to play, to play that game in your head. Cause I was thinking about those, those two bears. What's like, you know, what's their fuck game like? I imagine that their head game is so strong. Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, kind of iffy head game where they're like, I guess I'll put it in my, it just always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only giveaway if you're getting, if you close your eyes, you're like, man, that beard, I keep feeling that beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're eaters, so they're like, let's get this food going. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what they do is they eat, they shit, they probably shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you drugged me enough, you know, I'd go on a gay vacation like that. If you're just like, look, here's some heroin to get you through the week. It's gonna be rough, but do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. And, and kids do. I know it's a lot of people be like, I gotta pee. And they got him out and I was like, ehh. Because that was the first time I was like, oh, we've been teaching them wrong. Cause, cause Alice was like, just pee in here. Pee in the pool. It's a pool. And I was like, oops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I do all day. I know, and then- I don't get out to pee. That's what the chlorine is for. That's fucking crazy. But, but then you, that's when you realize you're wrong, because you keep seeing these parents like, let's go to the bathroom, and you're like, why are you taking him? Is he got his shit? And they're like, no, he's got to pee. And you're like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oops. And Ellis was like, I'd just be in the pool like you said to him. You're like, I know. That's at our house though. This is a different place. And he's like, what? And you're like, nothing, just keeping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I just had a, I just had one of those flashbacks of remembering, you know, like the multi-pronged. Yeah, those are so good. And I hadn't, I hadn't had one in years and I don't know why it just occurred to me. I ordered one on Amazon, it was like six bucks and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it to me. And I was like, oh, okay. And I started doing it to her and she was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she'll do that for like, oh, my shoulder hurts. And you're like, all right. And you like grab her shoulder. And you're like, ugh, can you stop making this noise? It's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are busting my balls on the way here for my big pun song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, what do you relate to in this song? I'm like, it's a good song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you gotta, can we get the whole lyrics there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's definitely there. It's definitely, hold on. Just make that bigger if you can. Yeah. Go ahead and start. You can start from the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This song is so dope. Like listen, if you, he died way before his time because he was super humongous, uhm, and he was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's a crazy addict, but that dude's really talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ain't fucking my wife and taking my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good song though. It is. I mean, it is, uh, for me it's like also, you know, like for most people, it's nostalgic. Yeah. Actually, you know, that takes me back to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, sophomore year in college. Can you look up when that song came out? Cause I'm gonna guess it is like 1999?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 98 or 99? That's my guess. It's so hard, big pun. Uhm, yeaah, it's so hard. Hit that. Oh, is it 2000?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it peaked, does it say, like the release date? Oh, alright, well I was kinda close. March 30th, 2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Whoop. Check it out, man. I am so into this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know whoop, they're a long time partner, they're driving force between Sober October with my friends, uh, Bert, Joe and Ari and we're all taking on a new weight loss challenge, going on different diets, exercising a ton to see what we can get to by the end of February. So if you just woke up, you weren't following along when I wore the whoop


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, you get to rank things like what you had before. If you're feeling stressed, did you have caffeine? And then it kind of tells you this will get you by, it has a sleep coach built into it. This will help you, you know, perform and this will get you to peak performance. It is, I'm so obsessed with the sleeping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, analysis on whoop. And then of course it tracks all the, uh, exercise and things I did too. It's really fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, less sleep is the key to an unhappy and unhealthy life. More sleep really gets you into a good place. I could not encourage you more to get one of these and get going with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be better, keep up with me and this weight loss that we're doing at Kickoff 2020. Get over to whoop.com right now. Use the code YOURMOM at checkout for 15% off your membership today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I am a huge fan, a big advocate. I believe in this thing. Get one, use our code, your mom, get started, get on a whoop right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of, uh, the holidays, uhm, this is really funny. This came out, uh, this dude, have you ever been at Secret Santa, like at work or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a bottle of cologne with like a deodorant spray and a moisturizer called Black Classic Match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I love, you gotta get more people upset about their gifts. It's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that is, like, if you're gonna play the game of Secret Santa and go, first of all, to buy Black Classic Match is shitty. To leave the price tag on Black Classic Match is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I want to do with you? I want to switch that. Well sort of. It is something a couple can do.


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[Assistant] What happens if you take a girl out and she's like, I wanna play...


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[Assistant] Do you really do that? I've done that. You have? You said like, Oh, I just got a message. I got to go to work.


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[Assistant] Now, imagine how you would view this though and respond to it if she were hot. Right. If she didn't look like a garbage pail kid, do you think that you would have a different reaction?


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[Assistant] Well, this is why white people are terrifying. Because this guy embodies, this is a representative of like,


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[Assistant] Remember we were talking about the white, um, uh, cleaning crew at the hotels? Yes. It's people like this who you're like, they're gonna fuck up my shit. This is a guy that'll rob you, beat you. He won't even think. This is a psychopath for sure, this guy.


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[Assistant] This is a reason to encourage dictators. You play something like this and you go, you know what, you should kind of stomp down on some of your people. And these are the people you start with.


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[Assistant] He found the loophole. The loophole is like, you can pretend to be a little baby, a little kid. Cause I can't get a real one without, you know, jeopardizing freedom.


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[Assistant] No, no, I'm saying we played a video that people reached out and said, oh, this was a, this is a bit. It was the, uh, I think the English construction worker. That wasn't real. That was actually a bit. That's what I was told. I got a message that a number.


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[Assistant] I mean, but this is also so hardcore. Like they're not sort of playing, sometimes Friday nights when we want to kink it up. She's like, I wake up every day, daddy gives me a bath.


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[Assistant] Right now, as you're watching this, I'm in Australia. I'm very excited to be here. The shows are sold out. There were a few left in Auckland, New Zealand.


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[Assistant] On the 25th, very excited to do that. I'm also doing some Spanish shows throughout 2020. Uh, I start them February 5th in Ontario, uh, at the Improv there. I also do it, uhm, in Oxnard, Levity Live there. That's all in Spanish and Tempe, uh, February 20th.


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[Assistant] Uhm, then I am on the road. I'm doing, oh, I'm doing the Terry Phaetor Theater in Las Vegas March 6th and 7th. Uhm, I'm very excited about that.


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[Assistant] I go back there, those are, uh, past tense is all sold out. Thank you for that. I'll do, uh, the date in funny bone in March and I will be in April. I'm doing Brea.


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[Assistant] That's in English. And then I'm doing some Spanish shows in Dallas, Houston, Austin, and San Antonio. Uh, I go back to Las Vegas in May.


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[Assistant] And then in, in, uh, June, West Palm Beach and then Miami. That's in the beginning of June. I'm doing that one Miami Spanish show. Very excited about these shows. The, uh, the club dates that I mentioned.


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[Assistant] It's to work out all new material, uh, since my special will be coming out here shortly. I'll have the announcement of that probably, uh, early next month. Then, oh, uhm, for those of you that don't know, my tickets are at TomSegura.com slash tour and then... This is Charo, the real mom.


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[Assistant] Don't forget, I have Tom Segura en Espanol if you want to listen to my Spanish podcast. And of course, we have a whole bunch of gear on our merch website.


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[Assistant] My dad beat her into her the wrong way to say it for years.


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[Assistant] So, thanks for listening, watching. See you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


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[Assistant] I don't remember, I'm not tracking it anymore, but uhm. I mean, are you going more than once a month?


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[Assistant] More than once a month at least, cuz I mean no shit November's over unfortunately, but I don't know how many times though. Really? Yea, I have no clue. I mean I just, I don't, I was talking about it about Drew, I just, I disassociate the minute I enter the bathroom. I don't know what I'm doing.


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[Assistant] That's something else. That's an emotional problem. And listen to this. Listen.


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[Assistant] You really need to take a shit. I know you're black and you guys do your own thing, but you still have to shit.


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[Assistant] Alright, this one goes out to the mommies. May Mommy Tina, DJ Dad Mouth.


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[Assistant] You know that I'm a mommy cuz I keep my jeans high and tight. No joke, moose soup, eat the shit every night. Yeah, I got a gun. A Terminator gun. I kick it with the cool guys in the four-stroke gang.


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[Assistant] How the only water I drink is sparkling water, because sparkling water is for rich people. And I'll tell you why. You can get non-carbonated water, still water, from the fucking tap. The government gives you that shit, effectively for free.


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[Assistant] So if you only drink sparkling water, you only drink rich man's water. I explained this to someone, some bumbaclut, and of course he replied with the typical, but I don't like sparkling. You don't like sparkling water? You don't like water? Yeah, but the bubbles! The bubbles? You scared of bubbles, you little bitch?


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[Assistant] What the fuck is wrong with you? This is another full grown man. Fucking, some other bitch.


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[Assistant] Like, if a waiter comes over and goes, what water for the table? Sparkling, please. I obviously answer because I'm the fucking boss. And then some little fucking bitch, oh, uhm, uh, can I have a still?


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[Assistant] You should only drink sparkling water anyways because it's what aristocrats like myself drink.


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[Assistant] So if you're sitting there at a table and your friend won't drink sparkling water, he's not your friend. Because when shit hits the fan and you get jumped and you're getting stabbed by ten randoms, he ain't jumping in front of knives to save your ass like a good friend should if he's scared of fucking bubbles in his water.


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[Assistant] No, uh, I mean, just as hatred for racism, why? What do you think is going on?


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[Assistant] Women, let's cut to the chase here, women should clean up. Not only should women clean up, women should clean up unprompted, and I'm going to tell you why.


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[Assistant] It's very, very simple. We live in a world where things need to be fair. 50-50. Gender equality. Blah, blah. I pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit. If we go for dinner, I'll get my wallet out, pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill. My card always works.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, right now, go to Netflix and check out my new special, Ballhawk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, this episode of Your Mom's House brought to you by Satva, my absolute favorite mattress in the world. You already know if you are listening or watching Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just got, uhm, one of the mattresses. Do you remember the kind that you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was called Zen Haven, and it's literally the best thing I've ever slept in in my life. There you go. Uh, go to Saatva.com, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com for the best mattress of your life. If you go to Saatva.com slash Y-M-H, they're giving you a hundred dollars off any order of five hundred dollars or more. Thank you.


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[Assistant] The gays and the Asians are trying to ruin life as we know it.


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[Assistant] Oh no. You know where it originated from. It ain't from here. They ain't calling it the Birmingham virus.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we don't even know that uhm, if by the time that this airs, if like everyone will be dead.


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[Assistant] This was recorded on St. Patrick's Day, yeaah, so, about a week before you're seeing it, and uhm, you know, maybe people you know are dead now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I saw the video from, uh, a couple days ago when they first were like,


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[Assistant] They were saying, don't congregate in groups of 50.


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[Assistant] Or, you know, like, that was, now it's reduced to 10, who knows by the time this is out, but when it was 50 and they were like, don't go to bars or restaurants, just pick up food, don't congregate there. And they went to the French Quarter in New Orleans and, uh, it was just cops all down. They were like, go home.


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[Assistant] It's just so stupid. I mean, you had nothing to do with it. It's no credit to you. I'm so proud to be Irish. Why?


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[Assistant] You didn't do anything. Like, you were just born that way.


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[Assistant] Your nationality, like really, really laying into it is like celebrating some genetic benefit of you. Like if you're, if you're tall and you're like, I'm so fucking proud to be tall. Like you're so stupid. Like this has nothing to do with you. You just, it just happened.


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[Assistant] And people are like, nothing makes me more proud than my fucking Italian lineage.


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[Assistant] It's, it's not, it's not an accomplishment. I mean, it's not, it's one thing to be proud. Hey, I graduated medical school. Hey, that's great, man. Yea, it's not an accomplishment. Right. You're saying, I'm so proud that I was born and I'm alive still. That's what you're so proud of. You made it to this point.


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[Assistant] I remember their Independence Day is, you know, a different time of year and yeaah, that's like a big, that's a big deal there.


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[Assistant] Well, I just forget. I think it might also be in July. That's the thing.


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[Assistant] I also feel like that's also in spring or summer, I think, right? Well, look up Canada Day. When is that?


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[Assistant] July 1st, see, it's a few days before. And look up Peruvian Independence Day. Let's see how far off I was. I thought it was- The Hungarians have-


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[Assistant] See, it's in July, so I was right. It's in that time of year. Yeah, they throw down and they're like, oh, you know, we fucking told the Spicks to leave us alone. They have their little dance.


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[Assistant] Well yea, yea, but the Spicks came there and gave them the language and the religion.


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[Assistant] You know, killed some of the fucking natives and then uhm, set them on fire, drowned them, killed them all.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Then they gave them spec culture and, you know, Christ and all that. And they took off. We're super proud.


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[Assistant] The Spanish are fucking savages. I know. I mean, they were like, uhm, psychopathic serial killers for fun. They would just be like, alright, fill this room up with gold, and then we'll leave. And the Incas were like, okay, and then they're like, let's just decapitate them all.


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[Assistant] They would laugh and cut hands off and then, you know. That's in your blood. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] I almost killed two baristas in the last two days, and I've been trying to be real nice about it, you know?


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[Assistant] I've been giving them fat tips. Just trying to, you know, keep the business that you can going. I've been doing the order out and I give tips to everybody. Uhm, but yeaah. I was a bit worried.


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[Assistant] I had to walk, I walked the lady through the order today. Oh boy. Really, really held her hand through it too, you know. I bet. I was like, she was like, and then, uh,


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[Assistant] And then the ice? Yeah. It's an ice drink. You put ice in it?


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[Assistant] Totally talked. Uhm, yeah, so we got a lot to get into. Uhm, where am I here?


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[Assistant] This is an exciting clip. I love confrontation, I love irrational anger, I love threats of violence between neighbors, and this has it all.


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[Assistant] Yeah, looks, I mean, did you put poop on my garbage can? Let's keep, let's keep diving down this path, because this is pretty great.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, that is just the best. Why is that not...


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's annoying, but it's also, man, it's fucking crazy. It is crazy.


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[Assistant] He's, he's, his chimney stuff is like, is coming out black, so he has a dirty, yeah, dirty wood. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] But this is, I mean, come on, this level, this guy's at it. He's at a 10 about it. I mean, Jesus, man.


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[Assistant] Oh, many times, but you know, I just, I write notes, I put it in their mailbox, I don't actually yell it to them. So rude.


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[Assistant] It is all, it is this kind of shit that most of us restrain ourselves from saying, you know? I wanted to say this to neighbors that I haven't even met yet.


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[Assistant] That you don't understand the tug at my heart right now that is going, please, let the angry guy use his guitar and smash him over that guy's head.


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[Assistant] I'm like, tell me that's where this is going.


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[Assistant] How much of a nightmare would it be to have him as a neighbor though? These kinds of guys that really do, I mean this guy would be, you would move just to get away from this psycho man. God damn.


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[Assistant] Dirty wood. I mean, I hope he's at least brought it up a few times to go to this level, right?


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[Assistant] I would hope that the guy's like, hey, you're burning dirty wood. And then you go, oh, I mean...


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[Assistant] I like that I could hear her come, she would come sometimes real loud. Our, uh, our neighbor at, uh, what's it called? Silverleg. Silverleg, yea. Shefucka.


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[Assistant] Terrible. Yeah, she was going through a divorce.


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[Assistant] That was how he would wake up. So every morning when he, during the week, work week, he would get up and like 5.30, 6, you would hear a big splash. He would jump into his pool and he would swim laps and then he would go like, like clean out his nose.


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[Assistant] And you're like, here we go. And then, you know, yeah, he drank it up, smoked.


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[Assistant] Now see, here's the funny thing of this video. She is the guy with the guitar because she's much more confrontational.


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[Assistant] She leaned over that wall a few times. Hey guys, we gotta work, if you don't mind.


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[Assistant] It was rude. They were rude. Uhm, things have been like so weird the last few days. It's so bizarre.


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[Assistant] No, it's just like to see, you know, living in Los Angeles, seeing like streets empty, seeing, uh,


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[Assistant] You know, for all the reports about greedy people and hoarders and snagging everything up, I think a lot of people are actually very considerate and it's nice to see.


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[Assistant] It is a sincere thought in my head, yeaah. And I actually, I really enjoy, I mean it makes me feel good to know that so many people are thinking of other people, you know?


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[Assistant] Well, I, I tend to think of like the whole, the whole group and uhm, you know, uh, there's a lot of things you can do. You know, you can think, like,


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[Assistant] Be considerate of, uh, uh, especially the older vulnerable population right now. Um, when you shop, you don't have to, it's not going away. You don't have to panic shop. Like you can get that out of your system now. Um, you know, it's just try to help out where you can, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can order groceries as a group. You can send one person to buy. Yeah, that's a nice thought.


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[Assistant] Water from the tap is clean to drink, so you don't have to buy tons of water from the store. That's a good point. Uhm, yeaah. And you can see, uh, you can jerk off in groups.


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[Assistant] I think I heard Dr. Fauci say that, you can ration your lube, you can put some on your stuff and then reach over to your neighbor and put it on theirs.


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[Assistant] Circle jerks right now. That is a big thing. Speaking of jerks, and speaking of circles of it, uhm, this is a really exciting video.


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[Assistant] I like her a lot. I like her a lot too. I think she's really cool.


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[Assistant] Right. You know, I also, I like her eyeliner. It kind of reminds me of mine in my new special ball hog.


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[Assistant] So I shot, uhm, I shot Ballhawk in November in, uhm, Austin at the Moody Theatre, Austin City Limits.


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[Assistant] Show up and, uh, so for most people that don't know, you know, when you're a guy and you show up on a production, any type of production, TV, film, uhm, you know, being a guest on talk shows.


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[Assistant] There's always a two-step thing, wardrobe, makeup, right? So you go, like, what are you wearing? You get into your wardrobe, and then they go, go to the makeup trailer, or the chair, whatever.


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[Assistant] Every movie, every TV show, every special. Conan O'Brien, where is he?


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[Assistant] I don't, I've never have thought about it and I've also never given input. I've never been like, oh, uh, today, if you don't mind, I'm looking for a little spritz of this and a brush of that. Like you just sit in the chair and it's 90% of the time it's a woman, 95% of the time. And you just talk to people.


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[Assistant] As you're, as they're like powdering you up and you're like, yeah, yeah. So it's my special. I have, uh, I get in wardrobe. They clean my beard.


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[Assistant] I don't even talk, I, I don't even worry about it. I just start talking to other people. And there's a lot going on, you know, there, there, uh, when we shot that, there was a big problem with Yonder, the, uh,


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[Assistant] The phone case that they take your phone. So there's 2600 people at each show and they're like, there's one line and they're, they're ticketing systems outdated. So people were waiting like, I don't know. So there's all this chaos of that. Then I'm talking to the.


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[Assistant] You know, the director of photography about the lighting and then the direct- I'm just talking to people about different things. This lady finishes my makeup.


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[Assistant] I mean, I see everybody I know. My agent, my manager, my, the Netflix has five executives there. There's uhm, you know, Josh Potter is there. There's, I mean, there's just, I'm seeing people, I'm talking to people, nobody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, show and then the second show. I still don't know anything. And then we go out to, uh, have a drink afterwards. And as I'm having the drink, I'm taking photos of people. And when I, I take one myself and when I look at my, my own photo on my phone, I go, Oh shit.


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[Assistant] And uhm, uhm, and people are with me like, what? I'm like, is this what I look like? Like, I'm seeing it for the first time on the phone. And they're like, you look fine. I'm like, this doesn't look fine to me. And, and I'm like, Jesus, man, like, immediately I'm like, is this...


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[Assistant] Is this normal? And they're like, yeah, yeah, you look great. I'm like, oh boy. And then I get into the color correction and I'm like, this looks fucked up, you know?


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[Assistant] And we do a whole color correction at like a top coloring place in Los Angeles.


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[Assistant] It looks okay. And then they put it on YouTube and I'm like, this looks really fucked up.


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[Assistant] And they're like, actually this doesn't match the master. So then I have to go back to the color house.


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[Assistant] And they pull up on the same device, the file we delivered and what's on YouTube, and they don't match. So I'm like, well, what's that? And the guy goes, oh, I've been doing this, uhm, 20 years and I've never seen that. I'm like, oh, that's cool. It's a fun thing to be a first at. So we do, uh, 10 more color sessions.


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[Assistant] I start sending it to people, like, what do you think of this? And then people are like, did you just drink Kool-Aid? I'm like, no.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, it was insane. Nutty. And then, so then you have like, the colorist is literally like, uhm,


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[Assistant] I've never had someone go like, I don't know why it looks bad on this one and good on this one.


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[Assistant] Having the, all those people around me, nobody, nobody was like, you look kind of insane right now.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and that's the story. So uhm, for people that are like, why is there makeup? Cause makeup is standard. I mean like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did four movies last year. You go to the makeup trailer. I did, uhm, you know, a couple television shows. There's all, but it's usually like, like I said, like for a guy, they do the powder. And then, you know, there's last looks before you go on stage.


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[Assistant] Can you imagine how much of a Nazi I'm going to be moving forward?


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[Assistant] You should be concerned with your appearance. Oh my god. Every time they're gonna be like, and when you go to make, I'll go, I don't do make, like, like.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I thought, I knew it right away. So when uhm, when we brought to their attention that it looks, uh, yeaah, we were like, this looks insane. Uhm, Netflix took down the trailer, right? They took down the trailer from their platform, from YouTube, uhm, all those. And then,


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[Assistant] God damn it. The amount of makeup shit that's gonna be sent to me now.


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[Assistant] So that's the story. That's why there's makeup. That's why there's, uh, there really was a makeup issue and a coloring issue. And, uh, they did 12 passes of color on this, which I've never heard of being done ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the director of the special, he directs a lot of commercials and he does a lot of special effects and he does music videos and he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sent me a message, like when we were going through one of the last ones, he's like, I've never seen anything like this happen before. And I was like, that's, it feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, when I talked to the whole group of people that were there, I'm like, how did you guys not say anything? And they're like, we didn't notice. Guys, that's because they're dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well actually it makes me think of, it makes me empathize more with women. That's horrible.


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[Assistant] Because I realize that so many people were like, look at your fucking face! And you're like, yeah, I've never, no one's ever pointed that out to me before, you know? No one's ever been like, oh, your face, your eyes, your, you know, no one says that to you. So when it's happening to you, you're like, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this all you're, you're thinking about? And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's all we're looking at, your fucking face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone else did a fucking, uh, what is it called, uhm, a poster where they put the special with the Netflix logo and then they just put John Wayne Gacy wearing his clown makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. Yeah, and thanks, uh, you know, thanks everyone for watching it. If you're watching it, uh, please share it with your friends and, you know, tell people about it. It always helps, um, to get like that referral stuff, you know, like email, text, um, you know, just send it to your friends. Have people, uh, spread awareness about it. It really helps a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard of it not being done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know another weird thing that's happening now, speaking of like touring and everything and stand up, is we don't get to do stand up period. I know. I'm not saying make it a living and all that, which is definitely done, but like we don't even get to do the reps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And most of us have, will never have gone this long without doing stand up. You know what I mean? For like, cause they're not opening the clubs up for, we know the rest of this month, the rest of next month. So if you think about that, having that break is just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is such a shift. We can't, you don't get to practice it. You can't practice it without the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Does this, uh, you think this is possibly why, uh, Wu Han started?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And, uh, I don't want to be, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, he is at a grocery store standing with his boots on fish. Yeah. Like he's fixing something in the electrical wall, like in the wall, and he's standing on fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, they usually don't let you get that close to the lion.


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[Assistant] And this motherfucker also put his hand into the cage.


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[Assistant] Ah, shit. That was great. That was great. He's so fucking dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's got their phones, and they're like, check them out. This dude's gonna lose his hand right now. Stupid. Little kid, leaning in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like a third world zoo though. They do cool shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, theirs are actually, that is top tier stuff. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. South African safaris and stuff. Trust that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, uhm, what I want to show you, there's something great here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first, what's this, uh, Garth? Cause the Garth shit is just, I keep forgetting about Garth and then I go to his comments and I'm like, oh my god, it's never slowed down. Not even a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. I mean, it's obviously a tip of the cap to, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, uh, everybody here, uhm. Of course. It's, uh, it's a dream, man. I mean, I got to do this incredible show and have the support of all you guys and Netflix, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and all this press got cancelled, but I was so excited to have all these talk show hosts and everyone be like, don't forget to check out Ball Hog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love picturing that day arriving to set. What are we doing? We're doing ball hogs. Uhm, say your name, say that you are one, and then just go to town on his balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to get it going cause we got lunch coming here pretty soon. Yeaah. Really proud. I'm very proud of it actually. The special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was really hard. It was exciting to do. Here's what I love. Whoop keeps...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proving the experience. There's now a journal when you wake up. You wake up, the processes, your sleep lets you know. My sleep last night was a disaster. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It shows you exactly how you weren't sleeping, tells you about all your disturbances. And now when you wake up, you have that auto journal that tells you like, Oh, it's asked you questions. Do you have anything to drink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you doing this? Are you feeling sick? And then your journal keeps note of it. Were you reading in bed? Were you on a screen device?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I absolutely love it. Uhm, there's so much you can do to try to improve your overall well-being. You know, eating right, doing this and that, but having this, these analytics, this data that shows you and keeps it all in one place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, this is how your strain, your exercise affected you. This is how your sleep is affecting your day. It is amazing the insight provided by it. I love, love, love, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] W-H-O-O-P dot com. Use the code yourmom, Y-O-U-R-M-O-M at checkout to save fifteen percent off your order. Unlock your best self today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, look, I uhm, I know that you're the king. The queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, but I gotta tell you something. I think there's a new TikTok sheriff in town. And his name is Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look at them shaking their heads. Treachery! They're both shaking their heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, it's weird. He lives with his parents. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's evident. But see, the message is strong. It's stupid as fuck, yeaah. It's so dumb. Bring back bullying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to know something that's really crazy and I'm not, I'm not lying to you. My whole curation took, uh, two and a half minutes. I just went like, I was like, that's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I am. I am going to start, uhm, I'm going to follow your lead and I'm going to start looking at these talks pre-show. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well this was, this is enough to keep me satisfied for a while. This video is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, oh, uhm, before we go, lastly, just a quick mention that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since the special just came out, we have a new merch associated with the special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to check it out, they're all at MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura. As are the new, uh, run NRE shirts. If you're for my poly people, uh, let the world know that we are not ashamed of that new relationship energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm going to guess he's not really into some of the suggestions. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we need, well, there's a, they're out there. We, that's the thing is that as you're, if you're sitting at home quarantine and you're like, man, I wish there was more piss spots. Um, I think there are. So go ahead and get ready to binge all week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming up, our guest today, we're very excited to have him. Uhm, he is absolutely hilarious. We've been wanting to have him on for a while, and it finally came together. Uhm, Tim Dillon, uh, check him out. His, his social media is insanely funny, as is his standup, and the dude is just, he's a natural, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For all those of you who have tickets to see either one of us, our whole business is kind of, uh, reeling from the, um, you know, the effects of, uh, uh, of this pandemic. So right now things are being, they were moved initially from March to April, April to May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just follow us on Twitter and our Instagram and we'll keep posting updates as we get them. Uhm, I was just told today that, you know, I had, I had moved my, uhm, my,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It shows from last week to April and obviously that doesn't make sense anymore. So now they're looking to move those ice house shows into June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and they're moving a bunch of other shows into June and July and August. That's, that's, you know, cause everything we're learning from kind of moment to moment. So instead of like trying to, uh, give you the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The date of the moment right now, I'll just tell you, uhm, that follow us on social media or look there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only one that was kind of up in the air was the May Vegas shows and as of now they're considered on because the Vegas casinos


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you the latest update as of, that I know, as of the recording of this. So that might, that might change. Yeaah, this is a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As of St. Patty's Day, that's the announcement they made. It could change again. So just follow us there. Again, thank you for watching. Thank you for listening to us. Uhm, enjoy this episode with Tim Dillon. Hope you guys are all well and we'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, please go to merchmethod.com slash TomSagura and check out my new Ball Hog merch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine how many psychopathic doctors are like, you know what the greatest thrill is? Telling people they're gonna die. And they just, they keep it inside though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, I mean, even for, for like, whatever, there's, there's the angels that walk around that don't like delivering, but I think most people, you kind of get to go like, hey, did you hear about, you know, uh, Ronnie, uh, got fired and, and you're telling people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? No, no, I'm coming back, I'm coming back home, but I'm saying just for a little while, I just, you know, it's a fling, she's about to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm gonna start it like at the beginning of the end. So like she's kinda holding it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, I really think he's on to like, there has got to be so, it's not a handful, so many doctors who, they'll never say it, they keep it inside, but they love getting the blood work back and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes work, you have to work. It takes work and practice. Most people aren't naturally like just born with the skill of saying no to things they don't want to do. I think it takes years to master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you good though at, are you good at uhm, you know, like you just moved to LA a little while ago. So, you know, there's a lot of people that are like, oh hey man, do you want to do my show? And let's say a show you don't want to do. Are you comfortable with like, nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And tell people you won't do their podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We almost always introduce our guests at the top, but we were so deep. No, no, we're so deep and into uh, this conversation naturally, but the great Tim Dillon is here. Thank you very much. Uh, recently moved here from New York. How long ago you moved from New York?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about sex appeal? New York, you get to see people walking around, you always see good looking people. Yes, that's true. And it's also accessible because you're passing by them, right? Constantly walking, you're on the subway together, you're walking in buildings together. Here, you got, you know, it happens at times but you gotta get in your car or some type of transportation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you find that it's an, is it an attractive people city to you or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause it's weird, like a guy can walk in in flip flops and a torn shirt and they're like, oh no, he's a fucking billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's what it is. That's true. Now West Hollywood used to be a mecca. A mecca. It was like the, the, one of the destinations of the world to go to if you were trying to get down with dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet, cause you said you lie out of respect, you lie out of respect. I bet your online game is tight, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But are you always, okay, do you go between being like, I want to meet someone to date? Or are you always, are you, basically, it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. Yeah, yeah, but I mean, you should. I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're well informed, you're well read, you know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we're way ahead of here, but what do you think is going to end up happening, uh, election-wise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, yeaah, I think that's actually a really good take, because yeaah, if things get real serious, like the way that they would in a true pandemic, like exploding, then just everyone's sensibility just changes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess I never really considered it, that now, it used to be like, oh my god, coming out would be this, uh, you know, am I gonna be shunned or shamed? And then now you're like, oh, this world has become just bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, wait, let's go back to, uh, when I was in the Peace Corps in Japan. Uhm, Long Island. Yeaah. Your mom was a real difficult type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you see, when you look back on like erratic behavior, when you see somebody become schizophrenic, you go, okay, this all adds up. Before that, when it doesn't enter your mind, do you go, do you have an explanation to yourself? Are you like, you know, my mom is just like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I have people in my family who will remain nameless for the moment, who uhm, growing up they were always like, uh, you know how she is, you know how she can get. Well that's what it is. And she can get upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And siblings know it too? None. No siblings. You have no siblings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that there's this thing too that we try to celebrate, like, we try to tell everyone to be a leader. As if everyone is a leader. Yes. And then what their speech should be like, hey, most of you are followers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a job. Most of you should find somebody. Just get a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's telling people that it's not okay to be like that. It's telling people that it's not okay to go to a place and then come home and watch your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss those days when you could just, you know, see a girl with a nice ass and be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I said, you know when you saw her with a nice ass, I was gonna kinda, just kinda be like, make a comment. Oh, sure, sure, sure. You know, a nice little peach on the backside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're talking about, you go to your worst financial year in the last decade, and you're like, you're struggling to pay rent, at least in this scenario, okay? And then we go, guess what, you got six months rent right here, will you do a sex act on film for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Josh is willing to, he's willing to have a, he said if he could do a sex scene with a woman and he gets to pick the woman, I'm like yea that's cool, and then we worked out that at the end, ten guys,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure there's, by the way, there's gotta be the secret code still for at least an awesome West Hollywood club where they're like, bring fucking lube cause it gets down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the game is so, it's so, um, vicious in terms of like, you know, there's so much value on like, when you see an aging, formerly yoked dude, you know what I mean? And then they're like, you become an undesirable. I feel like it's vicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, whatever. But he's saying though, I think that like once you're literally older. Oh, old as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by ExpressVPN. A question for you. Which of my online searches does the government have a right to know about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stinky feet. Dirty feet. Sleepy feet. The answer, none.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are mine and mine only and no one needs to know about it. If you have ExpressVPN, you can keep it to yourself. Without ExpressVPN's protection though, hackers, governments, ad companies and ISPs all have full access to your data.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want them using my web history or video searches against me. That's why I use ExpressVPN every time I go online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ExpressVPN encrypts and reroutes your web traffic to any number of countries keeping you safer and secure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ExpressVPN app. Click to connect and boom, you're protected. With ExpressVPN, you can make it seem like you're browsing from the different countries. You can watch Netflix library in the, anyone in the world that you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool. ExpressVPN is the fastest VPN I've tried and it costs less than $7 per month. Comes with a 30 day money back guarantee. It's time to stop government internet companies from keeping tabs on your data. Take back your privacy online like I did with ExpressVPN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your online activity today and find out how you can get three months free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] at expressvpn.com slash your mom. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash your mom for three months free with a one year package.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit ExpressVPN.com slash your mom to learn more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, the words per minute alone is really impressive. And quite good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was his, that was his tic-tac. That was his skill. You see the way he was laying flat? Yeaah. Were you impressed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, this is supposed to be a different guy, a different guy. It's not in minor. Yeah, I mean, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had been day drinking in Florida, visiting my family, and we saw these little kids, like 5th graders, by the pool in this place, and we walked in on them, and they were choreographing, and we're like, what are you doing? And we've been drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, oh, and they're in their school uniforms. They're like, we're making a TikTok. And we both were like, we're on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, uh, they were like, oh, okay. These are like 10, 11 year old girls. And then they're like, what's your handle? And I was like, I've spelled it out for them. And then as we walked out, I realized that the last one I had posted was me pulling my nipples and going like, uh, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, you know, I thought it was so peculiar when Moshe was here, like a week ago, and he was like, he's like, really, he's like, I check Facebook every, I almost, I forgot to be like, what are you, 60? Like, he's so into Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Twitter is all like soapbox, like listen, I, this is the right way to say this. And people are not saying it correctly right now. Look how many people retweeted this and support my position.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so funny. And you were walking down the street being like, uh, are you home? Are you guys not home right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally different. Totally different. Totally different world. I mean, for some people, it became, I think people who just had nowhere to go and no one to talk to, they're like, this is what I can do now. I can, someone's gonna hear me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then he's like, and then he gets them in the room and he's like, now when you discovered your financial problems, you were very sad, weren't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, oh yeaah. Now I bet you were a fucking savage, uh, what did you do, subprime mortgage seller?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, would you tell people who are like, I don't know if I can afford this, you're like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did? Yeaah. Did you ever get to the, like, did you ever have somebody, whatever, who's, I don't know, the ins and outs of it, but applying, and you looked at their stuff and you're like, there's no way we can give this guy anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when the end, I mean, is there a day where you went into work and they're like, there's no more work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you walk away immediately? No, I was there two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You had the best promo video. Well, I appreciate you retweeting it. Thank you. Oh, absolutely. It made me like, yeah, it opens with the planes crashing in the twin towers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe. So we can't play that. So just mute it, but you can actually see. Um, it's gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It also makes, um, you know, if you're into canceling, it makes a lot more sense to feel that way about someone you actually know. Worry about yourself, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a big advocate of that, especially when you're on the road. Someone's like, I fucking hate it here. And you're like, so why are you here? So do I. That's why I'm leaving on Monday. Go. Go. I hate Gainesville. Get in your car and leave. Drive away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, before I forget, do you think that Aaron Hernandez could have been a gay icon if he had stopped murdering people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if he had, uhm, not the brain damage he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and the thing about sports is that, cause I've been saying for years, that a big thing of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, retired players come out, and usually, like, not significant players. Yea, they weren't great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best is uh, it's not in that video. I don't think that when I, first of all, you can see one point when I say something and she goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They convince you, they lie to you, that this is for you. And then you find out that this is for them. This is about their relationship. Nobody watching that is coming to the show. Nobody cares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, that begs the question, like, what percentage of the population are we talking to? How come we're not seeing studs? Like, you know what I mean? Like a dude and a put together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See what I did to my face? You guys in your youth right now, don't be like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people say shit like that, like, when people say that things that are real aren't real, with certainty, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got this video that I have not seen, uh, Starchild, uh, a new Starchild. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not a star or a child. He's not. Do you know, uhm, I was, uh, a year and change ago on Larry King's show and they released a video like three weeks ago. That's how long. Oh really? Yea. And then we found some of his, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stammers that I didn't even realize happened. They're pretty significant and a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think something happened in his head? Like it seemed like a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gross. And in your 80s you should. You should. You should be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, one last thing here. This is one of our classics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he thinks that putting this out there will result in being able to eat some beans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you not? Okay, let's do the porn scenario. You're broke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's the best! I can't believe you would not fuck this guy. For six months right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, Tim, plug all your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a hilarious follower. Thank you dude. A great comedian. I appreciate it. Uh, go see him live, go get tickets all at TimJDillon.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was walking out on stage, uh, he was coming out to it as his entrance, just walking out and going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I mean, I never thought of it like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're like, look, if you're gonna fuck everybody, then you're worthless to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you're, and then you're just, you know, a throw around because this girl who didn't have sex with anybody that's out there beating up people and shooting people or whatever they're asking her to do, they have more respect for her than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, my mom, my brothers, yea everybody. My brother and I, because I have a twin, we are the exact same age obviously, four minutes apart, but I had built in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I could test myself with someone my age, my size until he started getting taller and, but we would go at it. I mean, there were nights where we would just go at it, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny because you have these pictures of shit in your toilet and crayons on the wall. My daughter's never done any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of that. I always remembered watching kids in a restaurant and it was always the boys climbing over the boots and running up and down and the girls would sit there in color or do whatever the little activity was on the table and just be mild mannered and boys are just, you're right, savages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you had told me just the night before or two nights before about some gunshots you had heard like right out back and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't think like Donnie and Marie. I don't think Marie would say Donnie and me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just went to a Halloween party the other night with Stella and her mom and I was Bob Ross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, actually I'll be at ComedyWorks, uh, Denver South at the landmark November 21st through the 23rd. So come on out Denver. I love, I love ComedyWorks. Just the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate it. I love being here. This is great. This has been awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're really old, if you make it to your 90s, I think you want the sweet grip of death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you're not, you've been on the earth, I mean I'm already 43 and I'm like, I'm done enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm serious, like, if we didn't have children, I don't even know what I would do with all our free time. How many movies can we see? How many brunches can we go to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She should go to the doctor. Oh, let's open the show. Go to the doctor. Let's get into it. We gotta like the cover. Let's go, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fuckin' white lady. She never heard you from me, Virga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Mexican, which leads me to believe this might be an LA based thing. Why? Is this a local telecast? Well, cause it's Mexican. Well, I would think that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense because that's a ball. Oh my god, I'm so stupid. I just put that together now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I gotta tell you, I watched a dating show, it's called The Undatables.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Google this, it's on YouTube. It's actually quite lovely. It's very sweet. The undatables. And there's two people with Down syndrome dating. And it was so sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first I was, you know when you go into something and you're like, this is gonna be hilarious. And then I was like, oh, they're people. You know, and then I felt really sweet. It was like heartwarming. And their courtship reminded me a lot of ours because she was like, she wanted to write him the man of poem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's how we are, I'm always like, I love you while I'm writing poems, and you're like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's listen, I went down at TLC, the learning channel, rabbit hole, and there's a few shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've been curating, you know me, I like to find the best entertainment out there, and I found a show called, My Feet Are Killing Me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always want your vagina, butthole, whatever doctors do, unattractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about when they stimulate your prostate? Isn't that part of your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seasoned vet. 100%. Any girl that whips out that move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet any, right? How many girls have put their finger in your b-hole? Lots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are so nasty. That means you feel dooky when you put your fingers up there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not interested anymore, but why don't you know what they should do is merge


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little people big world with that tiny house show? And it'll be like a mansion for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can commit suicide by jumping off the counters.


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[Assistant] Yeah, your only job options as an LP back then was court jester.


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[Assistant] Little people were cum dogs, like the original cum dogs.


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[Assistant] It's so messed up. It was horrible, yeaah. But now they're, you know, they can do real things like that Peter Dinklage, right? He's a serious, he's a serious actor. I don't know, I never watched that show, but they say he's very good.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's interesting, isn't it? And I follow a little person on Instagram. She's a famous actress and she's like on the cover of like Vogue and... Yeah.


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[Assistant] Like, his needs are just too many. And she's, yeaah. And then uhm, oh, oh, but what's interesting is that because he was overweight for


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[Assistant] So, but here's the best part about this, this couple is that now that he can bust nuts all the time, he goes to the wife, remember they've only been together like a year, and he's like


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's silly, I like this. Does she ever put him in her vag?


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[Assistant] Well, cause you can't really touch your titties, you can't really-


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[Assistant] It's power, it always is. And you can't bang her, her thing is super big.


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[Assistant] So really, what's the gratification? You masturbate just to the idea of the giantess crushing you and harming you? Yea, it's like she has all the power.


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[Assistant] What is that like? Do you just, you're 24-7 thinking about trying to have sex with somebody. How can I get sex from somebody?


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[Assistant] It sounds debilitating. How do you guys focus on-


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[Assistant] Jacked up on tea. And then when does that wane?


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[Assistant] That's it. That makes sense because I hated dating boys until they were like 28.


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[Assistant] That's like the magic number. Not you, you were very mature. You were already 40 when you were like 23. Yeah, but I was still jerking off in your hair and in your pillows.


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[Assistant] But I tell you, you're very, you're still very sexually active.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're like a woman. And then by the time you're 60, you're like a woman, where you're just reasonable. Probably not ruled by your genitals and stuff. Right.


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[Assistant] It's so funny, I don't think girls are wired, well obviously not wired that way, where you're just horned out. All the time. I mean, you're interested obviously, but we have so much responsibility at periods and pregnancy and ugh. Ours is definitely not as simple as you guys.


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[Assistant] But that you have to learn how to contain that instinct. You have to learn how to go, I can't.


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[Assistant] Cause back in the medieval period, you could, you probably just raped the shit out of people.


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[Assistant] Especially a little person. You were raping, but girls would get married at like 15. That's what I know.


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[Assistant] I would love to see that murder show. That would be kind of fun. But how bummed are you? Cause you could definitely get away with murder back in the medieval period. I wouldn't say I'm bummed. No science.


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[Assistant] But you could have killed your own servants and stuff, like if they did something wrong.


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[Assistant] Well, not only that, this is not a domesticated dog.


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[Assistant] Listen, everything up until the wolf licking in her mouth. I'm- I got it. Okay, I get it. The wolf is a cousin of the domestic dog.


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[Assistant] It's not, it's not THAT bananas, it's not safe, but the licking in her mouth is making me crazy. I mean, you let Bits- I wouldn't even let Bitsy lick inside my mouth.


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[Assistant] No! Stop naming wild animals, you bitch.


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[Assistant] What I never understand is this incessant need for humans to fuck with the animals.


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[Assistant] Why do you have to get in, like, dangerous? Why do you have to mess with the wolves? They don't want any part of you, man. Yeah, it's like that Timothy Treadwell.


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[Assistant] Tom and I saw that movie together, Grizzly Man, when we were just dating. Was it, when did we start laughing? Was it the audio of when he was getting mauled?


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[Assistant] That is one of the- I was like, I'm gonna take her out again. I knew you were for me. I mean, what a nutbag. Leave the animals alone. Leave them alone.


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[Assistant] She's not even doing this for a positive reason. She's not like, you know, saving them or... Yeah.


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[Assistant] I know, I ca- I was really honored and flattered and I can't believe you thought it.


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[Assistant] I know, cause I was like, what are you gonna say, but my wife's got the biggest, sloppiest tits. I appreciate those.


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[Assistant] That was so touching. That was a much longer version.


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[Assistant] No, it was really nice of you, Tom. I even teared up just now rewatching it.


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[Assistant] I just, I have to say that I, when you did give me that toast, I did, I did well up. And I, I was very moved. And then I thought, oh, people are going to make fun of me for crying. And I don't want to look stupid.


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[Assistant] Well, we're not that couple who does a lot of lovey-dovey posts on social media. We're like, today's our anniversary. My, my guiding light. I love you so much. That's just not our style. No way.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I know. Well, don't, if you feel that thankfulness, you should say it. I mean, I always think. I always do it. Yeaah, you know, you're very gracious that way.


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[Assistant] It's hard with the holidays. You know, I made five different pies and then we finished most of them.


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[Assistant] Oh boy. But what a touching, I really do appreciate you doing that for me, cause I was thinking who else you would have toasted, like who else was on the list of people.


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[Assistant] No, very excite, Jean. Oh, did you want to do some drops in between my dates?


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[Assistant] So this wraps next week, so January, uh, January, December 19th will be Flippers. Okay. My last residency date.


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[Assistant] In the yoohoo room. It's been so much fun. You guys have come every week. It's been sold out and it's been a blast. But moving into 2020, I do January 9th through 11th, Momston. That's Austin Tejas at the Cab City Comedy Club.


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[Assistant] January 30th through February 1st, Pustin at the Houston Improv.


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[Assistant] In the February 14th through 15th, Tampa in Florida at the Tampa Improv.


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[Assistant] Oh, and I just added Cobbs. Come on, you comedy club. February 28th through 29th in Manfriend Disco!


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[Assistant] March 7th, uh, that's the Make Good show from the 25th of October when we got the stomach virus. All tickets will be honored at the Ice House March 13-14 throughout Florida at the Miami Improv. What is Miami Improv?


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[Assistant] Uh, then Dallas at the Addison Improv, and then Ju- oh sorry.


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[Assistant] And then you dork titties, Carolines.


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[Assistant] I'ma make you cry! And then April 24th, you were there. De Mois, Iowa at Le Funny Bone.


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[Assistant] Ticket's at Christina P online. Follow me on the Christina P on the gram. I also do my TikTok curations, Insta stories, listen to where my mom's at. Thank you. I love you.


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[Assistant] Well, and that's going to be a hard thing to keep up in his 80s when he's a shirtless comic.


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[Assistant] Well, wouldn't you think too that, uhm, alcoholics and addicts, put it this way, my dad used to party with this guy, who's now passed away, but he was genetically of that kind that they could rage all night, party all night, the guy would be in his fifties, next morning he would sleep four hours, wake up, play soccer.


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[Assistant] I hate the teeth cleaners. Ugh.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's so sad, like he's so attractive.


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[Assistant] That's kind of how I feel about morning news people or like, you know, at some point they may have had aspirations to be actors or in show business. And that's to me, that's the harshest.


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[Assistant] Right, the tone gets a little, just a, just a cunt hair.


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[Assistant] I said, can you, can you answer the door, please? Just a little more hostile. Yeah.


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[Assistant] He takes, whenever I show him something with my phone, he rips it out of my hand and takes it. Same.


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[Assistant] I'm like, no, I'm- I control the phone, I'm showing- Women are stupid! Yeah. Alright. I'm showing you the thing.


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[Assistant] I know, but I'm saying why then just do a podcast and put it on the internet and be funny on, you know what I mean? To me it kind of defeats the purpose of going on late night if you're just going to end up on YouTube, which is what we're doing right now. It is YouTube, yea.


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[Assistant] Now wait a minute. Oh my god. You're not gonna give him a chance? He seems really sad.


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[Assistant] I love Charles so much. Did he say what he did, by the way? No, he's very busy.


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[Assistant] The camera angle is always from beneath, which is so unflattering. It's really hard to look good on an iPhone camera to begin with. I can't really gauge what he truly looks like.