[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ebony remained the most viewed category of video for the second year running ahead of lesbian and MILF. Searches for the word trans were up 134% when compared with last year. Wow, and that isn't transphobic. No. That's progress. That's a lot of progress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are terms that are popular state by state. Isn't this hilarious? So if you scroll it, make that a little bigger. Uhm, looks like Hawaii is morning sex, which is funny. Uhm, Asian is the California sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thick Latina here in Texas. That makes sense. That does make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the craziest part when you're out in Vegas late and you see these chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walkin' barefoot on Las Vegas Boulevard and you're like, you are out of your mind. This is the filthiest fuckin' street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In America, I mean, it's just like, it's just people have puked on it. There's just all this foot traffic from shit. And then they're like, I want to know about my health. And so they take them off and they walk down the street barefoot. It's fucking crazy. Cause the, I always say is that the veteran hose there have the backup, the, you know, they have like those, like the pedicure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole Pacific Northwest, you're up there and you're like, this is amazing. It's beautiful. The mountains. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must be a bit of a change though, because I think that was a more... It was poppin' back in the day, yeaah. I mean, of course I got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uhm, security area at Orlando airport is chaotic. It's like you're getting on one of the rides. It's like you're going to an amusement park. It's so fucking crazy there. It's always been like a two hour line. It's nuts. Doesn't matter if you have pre-check or anything. It's chaotic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's different. That's Liberty Township. Liberty Township. That was in, uh, that was meth country. That was literally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have a Unc Shine update. So, Unc Shine is a guy that we found online, and he's really, he was always about one thing only, and that was uhm, what he was gonna do, like to women, he's gonna lick their ass, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was always, and he's always been that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My point is this, he's always been about orally, you know, taking care of women. Always licking your ass, always let me eat you, let me lick your ass. And then he just goes here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, shout out to Unkshine. Um, hey, will you real quick just go to his Instagram? Because I have to show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just scroll, just look, this is everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's something like, usually it's between like 38 and 60 posts a day. And they're usually in 30 second clips. And all of these are about what he's gonna do to your booty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I think we had that red one from, yeah, there was a period of the red hat. So if you go back to the top, uhm, I'm just curious, like, what's he talking about, like, let's say right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Well that was really cool. He's just like, God help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if he's transphobic. We never asked him that. I actually spent time with him. Did you? Yea, I flew to Lafayette and I actually went into a hotel room with him. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Really? Yea, yea. Uhm, and I watched him make a banana split on a woman's ass. It was pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm the one that pulled up on shine. I'm the one that's being dumb. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no. He's not into techs. He's in it for the love of the game. Oh yea. Respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's impressive. We'll say that. It is very impressive. Uhm, Sam, I want to remind everybody that your special Same Time Tomorrow is out right now on Netflix. Where did you shoot it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he did a, uh, uh, she did a cooking thing online with him, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, remember Phil used to be like in a vest, sweater vest all the time? He had a uniform. Yea. He's got a special coming out, uh, this month. It's killer. Well I've seen like his clips and I'm like, it's, he's totally like transformed. I mean he's always funny but it's like, whole person came out of him. Great joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen him, uh, uh, yeah, he used to wear like that, like a sweater all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, uhm, his, uh, Instagram clips are great. He's a beast. Uhm, and then before that you did your, you also did like that one that was like, I think Comedy Central put it, they put it on YouTube, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, this girl comes up to me. I'm in this gym last week in a college town and she gives me like the look, the, you know, I recognize you. So I was just like, you know, at this machine and she's like, excuse me. And I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, are you? And I'm like, she goes, you're that radio host, uh, that has the clips on Tik Tok. And I go, yes. She goes, yeah, you're really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to just be on stage a thousand percent. Never wanted to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we'll talk. We'll schedule it. Go watch the special, same time tomorrow, it's on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you know what you remind me of? Like a bolt of light. And I was like, that's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're hanging out with, uh, Jimmy Buffett?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did, Ms. Pat. So funny. She's so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool shirts on. That's who it, you know, he is, like, Margarita, Bert is Margaritaville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about it that way. And he actually lives like Marguerite, like he wears flip-flops everywhere, you know, is all about that leisure life, drinking. They're a perfect match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be Charlie's Theron, but if you're kind of in Burt's Lane, it would be, you know, maybe, uh, I don't know, Paul Abdul or something. Paul Abdul. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we're switching, we're switching groups here. Is that in Vogue? Yea, yea, but I thought we were doing Paula Duhl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always thought it was crazy, cause I didn't, I didn't, like, I don't know, when you're a kid and you hear about a famous person is dating another famous person, you're like, what? And that was like the first one I remember, they were like, oh, Paul Abdul dates Arsenio Hall. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously? Oh, I was like, oh, that's what they do. Like the famous date each other. Okay. Like it didn't occur to me until that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's still good looking. He's got those pit jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Stamos is in, he's gotta be like near 60 or something also. Has to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think more girls, cause the thing about dudes is, you wanna be the hot dude in the room to get the chicks, you know? So like, they're not gonna be like, I mean they'll hang out, but they're not like, let's do it all the time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, sometimes, sometimes, but only if circumstances dictate it. It's not like they're calling each other, you know what I mean? Cause like, he could just walk into any room and be like, you gonna, you wanna drain this or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay, I can't tell you everything, but like, yeah, he, uh, everybody says for real that Stamos is a really good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you're kinda like... I don't even know if I can keep you around if you don't get one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, this reminds me. I want to see who Paul Abdul has dated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like her whole thing, because clearly she's two for two, it's pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go. Hit it. Hit the list. What do we have here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's married to Brad Beckerman. I don't know. And, oh, Emilio Estevez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Caprio, Jeff Bratton, JT, I don't know who that is, Dante Spencer, Colt Melby, Hank King, John Sam...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Oh, these are the guys. Oh, okay, so we can actually see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. Okay. Can you Google that? Did Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson date? This seems like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? None of this makes sense to me. The way that this is written, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I'm saying like, she like, seems like her pattern is like she dates someone for two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Isn't that what it looked like? It was like two years, two years, two years, two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this might be the time to just kind of lock in one, because, you know, the road's not that much longer, if you know what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's 60. How many times are you gonna do this? Wow, you're gonna age shame her, Tom? I'm not saying that I'm shaming her, I'm just saying like, you're gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know, I mean, no, this is the beginning of the end, the 60's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like- I can't wait. This is the best you're gonna look, at 60s the best you're gonna look as an older person. Oh shit, no. Like you can still look good in your 60s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the kind of guy I want to be in my sixties. Alright? I want to be like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have the same audience. Right. They're cultivating the same people. It's the worst. Do you like to fucking get hammered?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'll tell you who's got his head on straight is this gentleman from the opening clip. He wants a fast and crazy bitch. He wants to connect meatily with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, all a guy like this needs is a chick who's just gonna like giggle and has like energy and then he feels like he's not old. You know? That's what he wants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when those hoes come in, we should just see what's up, you know what I mean? See what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is Margueriteville. Yeah. Actually, that's hedonism too, I think. It's in Jamaica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something something down in Margaritaville. I'm a drunken, so are you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, all of you parrot heads, cause that's his, that's his, that's his, uh, his mommy's. Right. They're called parrot heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is, wasting away, again in Margaritaville. Yep. Searching for my long, long lost shaker of salt. Salt, salt, salt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, and I know this is somebody's fault. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you a, are you a fucking drunk? Wasting away again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's, but Dave and Buster's is another one people go, I mean like, people go anywhere, just like the whole goal is like, where can we get fucked up? You know that I turned down a date with a girl when I was like 21, like 20, like the age where you shouldn't care, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, she's like, so my friend had, my cousin had set me up. And then I was like, oh, you know, she's like, where do you want to go to this place? We can get drinks there. Or do you want to go like to this other part of town? We can get drinks at this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, well, as long as we can get drinks. Cause like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we could drink all night, right? And she was like, oh, that was like a smart ass. She said like three times, you know, I still remember. I was like, yeah, I mean, or we could go to like some place that like drinking isn't the priority. You fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, I've talked about it before, but I, you know, I have, I have such, uh, not just contempt and disdain, but I look, I look so down upon airport drinkers. Like, you know, like I, I don't even pity them. I just, I want to discard them. I want to throw them away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I walked through the airports and I'm like, look at the fucking loser pit over here. Yeah. Like people were like, hey, you gotta get wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yea, that just shows you, like, that's just, those people exist together on a wavelength. You know what I mean? Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're looking for someone else who's like, I wanna drink too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. I believe you are adjusting the name, but yes, I remember. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they serve that in the bar in the morning, I would take that before the flight. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If saving more and spending less is one of your top goals for 2022, why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month for wireless? Switching to Mint Mobile is the easiest way to save this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mint Mobile lets you maximize your savings with plans starting at just $15 a month. There's guys here on staff that rave about this. Spending way less in getting the wireless service you want and need, frankly. All plans come with unlimited talk and offer high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to mintmobile.com slash mom. That's mintmobile.com slash mom. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash mom. Oh yeaah. The whiffs? All of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. There's something about a woman that talks like that, that everyone's like, uuuh. Right? You're like, she's cool. She's like, I love dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, that's a pretty elaborate story you just told. Do you think that when Diana died in that crash that Charles was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't have to deal with that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, what is the story with him? So they're still friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he did remarry to Rosemary Pittman who died in 2010.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be, because it is not a natural way of meeting and courting and all that. It's like you're supposed to meet this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. I mean, it's like, it's a fantasy land. You see how they live. It's like, doesn't seem real at all. None of it seems real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really interesting that whole, the most interesting part of that whole thing is the Andrew Parker Bowles being like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The French, like when they get, the men get older, it's like old, old tradition that like they would have their girlfriend too. Of course. And the old wife would be like, he's, you know. But I think women can do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I went to this French bistro one time, where I was like, man. And there was a French guy running it, and he brought out multiple dishes, you know. And I was like, so good. I go, you eat like this every day? He's like, yes. But it's two bites of this and three bites of this. So he's like, I taste everything every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't eat full fucking portions. That's what they do. That's what we do here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In America, where you have like your pasta serving, you find out it's actually 9 actual servings of pasta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't get to tell you this. So much been going on. We located Fed Smoker, the car, Herc's car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, uh, I told Zolo, fucking buy it. Tell them I want it. I didn't even have a place to put it. I just like, I want Fed Smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, all right, I'm on it. I was so geeked. I was walking around the hotel and I was like, guess what? I'm gonna get fed smoke. I was like so excited. And then he called me back. They crushed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, they're sitting there on a fucking national treasure and they're just like, we'll crush this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No respect. This fucking goddamn Knight Rider and they just smashed it to pieces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With all his gear in it, thinking about all the crooked cops he took down, driving around the country and that. Thinking about all the different dogs that died in there and all the teeth that have been extracted in there. It's fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It broke my heart that it was th- I mean, I was so excited. Uh, anyway, heartbroken to, uh, to not get Fedsmoker, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calm trees and like bright colors. You wanna get drunk real bright out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever sit down to eat and they're like, ah, it's like a real cheery way. He's like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You actually sat here right in time? We got a fucking four for one drink special going right now. You guys ready to get started on that? We got our super special, they're called the Monday Margaritas. They got extra vodka and tequila and an extra salt. And you're like, I'm good. And they're like, oh, you know, we actually have a, right now they're actually doing a little special deal on one. You're like, I don't want one. And then they're like, huh, what are you doing here? You're like, I fucking want to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then they're like, oh, they're like, oh, you're not going to drink a bunch? No. Because my tips are going to suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This honestly sounds like, you're just like, hey man, why don't you put some cupcakes in a blender, and uh, just drink that, and put some tequila on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. That's my favorite. It's five o'clock somewhere. That's the, uh, that is the drunk. Yeah, the drunk's mantra is like, it's five o'clock somewhere. Give me a hurricane. Close your eyes and imagine you're there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get reggae with a blend of margaritaville spice and coconut rums. With your very own Bahama Mama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like about 45 so far. Beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably one of his too, he probably owns that company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That ain't gonna work. That ain't gonna work, man. That ain't gonna work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, so fantastic. It was great. Really impressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really, it really would be like, for me it really would, if you're like, there's only one place open we can eat, I'd be like, there. I guess we're starving. Margarita, but I'm like, let's go to the grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't they have the Jack Daniel's Chicken and Shrimp? Jack Daniel's Chicken and Shrimp. Is that them? Yea. The Fridays?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the Jack Davis items are called Friday Whiskey Glazed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you just end up there, honestly, like, uh, when you travel as much as we do, you're just on the road and sometimes you're like, what's open? Where are we? And they're like, it's fucking TGI Fridays, bro. You just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't even know people who are like, I don't like pizza. I mean, I'm not a pizza aficionado, but you know, like, what, you don't like pizza?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing that people fuck up with. This is what people fuck up with with Italian food. They assume that Italian food means just traditional like red sauce pasta dishes and the cuisine is actually much broader than that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm saying like there are tons of fish dishes, chicken dishes, meat dishes. Seafoods. There's all types of preparation that has nothing to do with pasta and marinara sauce that is actually traditionally Italian, but a lot of it's regional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, well, no, it's just, just like literally all types of food that are very Italian, but they just don't line up with what America thinks of as Italian. You know, like Northern Italian cuisine is very different than Southern Italian cuisine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's stop for a moment so you can set up because I'm very excited about what's going to happen next. Oh my goodness. Okay, we're going to stop right there. We're going to stop down. You're going to set up for the next segment here and we'll be back shortly with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blanka, Blanka, you fully turned again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dos. And we're back as always. Concha tu madre and welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's your mom's house. Welcome in and... And welcome to another segment. Here, I'd like to welcome my mother, Charo, and my aunt Blanca.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about creating a vibe. That's why we say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, you wanna do it again? Yes. Okay, we'll cut that one, okay? Yeah. Alright, uh, hey, uh, welcome back to another segment of Your Mom's House. Hope her big stupid tits are there with you. Let's get into another segment with my mom and your, and my aunt. Ready? Yay! Welcome!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be stingy. Don't be stingy. So uhm, Blanca, you've never been on the show before. No. Is this your first podcast ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has she said anything dumb in the last couple days, like any good ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Now she did have a good one last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got home. Christina had ordered chicken and waffles. Oh yeaah. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that made me sad too. Uhm, you guys, uhm, we're not gonna watch any hardcore porn. Let's see what we got for you. Uhm, we have a segment called Horrible or Hilarious. Oh, this is the funniest one. So you watch the clip, and you just react. Tell me what you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you can swear all you want, but now when you hear that, wait, wait, when you hear that I didn't say okay, do you agree that you will pay me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to be clear about how you think bets work. You think a bet is like, Hey, I bet that if this dog runs across the street, it's a thousand. And if someone goes, okay, that's a, that's a bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're turning again, you're away from the mic. Move!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? It's like talking to a crazy person. That's what everybody thinks. You are the crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had a house call Manny Petty at the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but then, then, I wasn't just done, I walked you to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. No, I am going- I also gave you- wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Let's just jump ahead. This is the boring part. We jump ahead, they go, you should take all this shit. All like creams and foundations and moisturizers. I paid for it. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thousand dollars. Oh wow. A thousand dollars. I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what she wants credit for. They go, you should also get this. It's $500. She goes, don't. She goes, I just saved you $500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go show you to the next one. Same screen, okay? Same screen. Up here. That screen. Got it? Got it. Okay. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I set up a camera in my favorite restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, and then, uhm, you saw the, the... A bull. Yeah, a bull. A bull. Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We let treat, put treat path down, put treats on the ground, and then he came right in and he didn't flip that guy? No. Treats. Yeah, he flipped my friend Yoshi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one is kind of an interesting one. Are you ready? We're watching the screen here. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a real foot. Okay, the lady got killed. No, the train hit the brakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. The guy was trying to get her hit by the train, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No shit. I don't know if it's stupid because at this point he doesn't know how injured he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Theragun. Don't let the stress of daily life weigh on your body. Whether you're an elite athlete like me or some regular person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just trying to make it through the day tension free, Theragun can help. Theragun is the handheld percussive therapy device that releases your deepest muscle tension using a scientifically calibrated combo of depth, feed, and power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is absolutely remarkable. I mean, for stress relief, I put it, I mean, I get it put on my neck and my shoulders and I just lit. I it's better than getting high. I'd rather use a therapy and then do drugs and that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try a TheraGun for 30 days starting at only $199. Go to therabody.com slash mom right now and get your Gen 4 TheraGun today. That's T-H-E-R-A body.com slash mom, therabody.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can hear him scream, listen to how he screams, uh, after he, uh, goes down. And then that's like the, that's the best part. Okay, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't pull, can you pull the audio of the bat thing just yet or no? Not till we're done recording.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think everybody listening right now just said the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy does everything on his own to save money, like, to the dance first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Okay. We should just, uhm, do a couple things here and then wrap up. So, uh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're kidding! Yeah, you didn't go up to the roof? You haven't been up to the roof yet! You didn't take me there! Okay, we can go up there and see the roo- to see the ocean!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just check out these talks real quick. So tell her what the talks are. This is Christina's segment.


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[Assistant] So after we play a video, you just react, tell us what you think. Telling what you think of these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. I think it was, I think he was kind of hurt by it. Yeaah. Some full grown tigers don't know their own strength.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's learn a little something from this TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where does this take us? He's just teaching you about different types of paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The original ones were much lighter. They had a cotton or hemp blend. Well, he literally just said it. I bet you $500. You want to go back? No, my cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lion and a tiger together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if he takes the really good, like that. No, then he eats them.


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[Assistant] Some people can't handle raw ground beef. Oh my gosh, they can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're talking through it, so it's kinda, you know, what's the point, right? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna try that this weekend, maybe the last meal you guys have. Not a chance with me. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's talking about crabs, not cramps. Oh no, crabs. Crabs. Like the little tiny ones on your pubic area. You know? Crabs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's saying though that if you do go, if you do get those, you don't have to call your doctor. You can just get some bug spray and spray yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say, hey bitch, you want to have a coffee? If I saw a bitch I liked on the street, I'd be like, hey pretty little bitch. And then, you know, she'd turn around and be like, talking to me? And I'd be like, why don't you take your little bitch ass and get some coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once I started, you know, selling tickets, I was like, I need some diamond earrings, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the false arm? Did you know she had a false arm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So you're going to have that? I'm gonna try to do something cool like that, yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, I don't know. I think I'm gonna do the real thing, you know. You're not going to kiss it that you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we have to get going. This was an absolute treat. Thank you guys for being here. To have my mom and my Aunt Blanca sitting in our studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is such a nice moment, I don't think we should go shopping anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was a real treat. Uhm, stay seated. Uh, thank you guys for watching and listening. We will be back in a week. We love you. Thank you. Bye bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand's gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is what I clicked on. This is what it's showing. Oh, it's just giving a bio on each of them, but it's not talking about the relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's dope as shit, no one talks to each other, you're just quietly chugging trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really, whenever anyone's just like, hey, you wanna go get some Italian? I'm like, eh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like uh, like chicken parmigiano, right? That's the typical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Ready in Cinco, Quattro, Tres.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play it like you want. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a fetish where they make them really big. I found a guy on TikTok just the other day and his nips were super big. They're the daddy thing, the leather daddy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, my nips have changed from having babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. I mean there's a reason you stop breastfeeding once the babies get teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was just thinking that, that's not the favorite part of my body. Like, when I think of erogenous zones, is that the word? Yea. It's like, it's, it's, it's more like, woah, like, you don't need to pinch them or pierce them or stab them or punch them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I think it's really a dicey place to get infected.


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[Assistant] Cause I don't think those southern girls where you're going to college had nip nip piercings.


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[Assistant] What did I fucking tell you, dude? Cause those foreign, the European, I'm sure European? She was European. They're nasty as hell, they do what they want.


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[Assistant] Are you being serious? You just fucking with me? 100% serious. I knew it. Dude, I knew it. They're savages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, I had a friend in high school who pierced her nips in 10th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, cause even our three and a half year old, he's pushing into four, and you can see the change month to month to month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drastically. But yeah, could you imagine?


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[Assistant] Bullshit, yeaah. Yeaah, cause uhm, the girl that got her nips pierced, she totally showed us. And that's the thing though, is that now you've got this hardware in your nips and everybody can see your nips all the time.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, I heard the most brilliant thing from any on where my mom's at this last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prove it's brilliant because it's provocative yet still endearing and charming. Prove it. It's playful yet demands response. It demands response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that every time you're at the beach or the pool with your children?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you have to do. It's either that or your dick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throwing your kids around in the pool, people are like, what is going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this dick harness? Look, it goes from the nipples and then it attaches to a piece of leather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know how to party. They really do. They think of everything. Would you ever even think of that in a million years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would be great, is when, if your dick gets hard, it pulls your nipples. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yes, and I was walking past all of our 200 different genders bathrooms and I heard you going, ugh, like you were audibly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like wow, that's a lot of pee. Do you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you could do that. God, I was, I was like. Yeah.


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[Assistant] What do you think? We made fitness this morning, you and me. Yeah. That's what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you drank a lot of water, you hydrated. Yeah, same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what a cool clip you opened with, uh, first of all, welcome to your mom's house. We have the fireplace going, and it's a much homier environment now with this roaring fire. It's so warm here. Which is great because Texas is freezing. And this, this is the best thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super cool, and I like that he points out female breast milk, as opposed to male breast milk. What, men don't have breasts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men have their periods, and men make breast milk. Like, you have female breast milk, why would you specify that? Female titty milk, yea. That's weird to say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, would you try this? Female titty juice. Oh, titty juice.


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[Assistant] Like I don't, I'm not one of these people that's like, ew, breast milk. Obviously I've tasted my own. I fed my children my breast milk. I'm not offended, but I think clobbered is what he says, clotted. Like why, why are you fermenting your own stuff? You know what I mean? Like it's so stupid.


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[Assistant] Can't see it. February 2nd and 16th, and then I do Miami. Miami Improv, February 25th through 26th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Improv there, March 4th and 5th and then back again to Cap City and then Irvine in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. New Jersey, the Borgata, June 4th, and the Wilbur in Boston, massive huge tits, June 5th, and also I do the Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival in Los Angeles at the Regent Theater, May 3rd. Get your tickets at ChristinaPOnline.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like him. Hold on. I don't like him, but I don't like the, I'll make you cum guy. That one's the worst one.


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[Assistant] I don't like it. You know what it is? Cause I don't think I've ever had sex with someone I found repulsive. So I don't know if I could do it. I don't think I could start now at, you know, this point in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I like, I would take Robert Paul any day. Really? Any day. I find him endearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, I, I love him. I would talk to him and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look at his dolls. Talk about his mom and stuff like that. Sure. Make danishes. I don't know what the fuck he does. Yeah, he likes cake and stuff. He likes cake. He likes karaoke. He likes jewels. He's given me, you know, necklaces and stuff. The sex part might be weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might try it, yeaah, I don't know what we would do, but I've seen him orgasm, we all have.


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[Assistant] But now you got me cause every time I don't have makeup on and I'm like in the gym or something and I look like shit, I'm like fuck I'm handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so what you're saying is, he's got the fundamentals of a cool guy. A, the message is on a loop, which is 23.95, Mercer Avenue, apartment 25, and then the same message, and number two, unawareness of how social media works. So, he has no idea that these are public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, they're all exactly the same. It looks like the same photograph over and over.


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[Assistant] Is I'm trying to make the, like, I want him to make these connections so badly. And I'm like, wait, the girl in the black meetings who doesn't know this message is for her. She doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, as a lady, I would feel like, well, who do you really like? You like so many of us. I don't think I would feel special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's the secret to a real cool guy is to stay on message. Yeah. We learned that from Robert Paul Champagne. Yeah. Repeat the message often 2395, probably too safe. Uh, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to repeat the message over and over, which is true. That's how advertising works. Why is Coca Cola number one? They spend the most on advertising.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to know my little secret? I love long boring flights because they're not so boring. Cause I play, I play best fiends. I love it. If you ever see me on an airplane, I'm playing and I'm on level 153. Don't mean to brag. It's kind of my, my favorite thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can play anywhere, anytime, because I don't have to be online to do it. It's a mobile puzzle game that anyone can download and play, whether you have a few minutes or a few hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best Fiends is the perfect puzzle game to lose yourself in because you're having so much fun. The game features tons of cute characters that help you solve thousands of fun puzzles, so the more you play, the more characters you collect, and the more you win, the more challenges you face. I like it cause, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it just keeps you coming back for more. I like the characters, I like the sounds, I like the puzzles, cause they're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're challenging but they're not so annoyingly hard that you don't want to come back and try it again. There's thousands of levels you literally can play as long as you want and never get bored. Trust me on that one. Download Best Fiends free today on the App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, in YMH news, we didn't realize that the uhm, he's like down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is just one of the cutest, sweetest clips ever, uhm, about a guy killing animals and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's funny because at the time when we watched this clip, I was like, I noticed that his teeth were really good. And I'm like, damn, that guy's got like exemplary teeth. That was one thing. I'm like, that's only like a showbiz thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so cute. You know what I've noticed, uhm, now that we live in the south?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well that too, yeaah. But like, that men dress kinda gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but it reads, super gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the gayest look. I can't even take it with the sweater. Mommy, I don't put the sweater on, I tie it around my neck. Which is so gay to me. No, that's not it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're, you're making a real big statement here. Like we, I am not this. I am fancy. I'm a fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, you get your ass beat. Yeah, that's a very southern, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw the preppiest adult man and I was like, his wife let him out of the house dressed like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a pink polo and then a purple sweater tied around his neck.


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[Assistant] Legit, you see people wearing, that was like the most endearing thing when I first came here, is that guys really do wear cowboy boots to work. Oh yea. And they're so adorable, when they come in your house, they take off the cowboy boots before they come in. You know, like it's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like in Revenge of the Nerds, that guy that's like the preppy villain. It's totally that. You're like, oh my gosh, people really dress like that in real life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you wearing? Get the fuck out of here, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like you got hit by two soft big rolls of toilet paper though. Can that really hurt that much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forklifts are very dangerous. You know, my dad had a forklift business. Uh, he would tell me all the time that guys would get run over. A lot of times people don't know how to use them properly and they run over people quite often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Could be, right? Yeah. Yeah, maybe. This is in China, though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't care about workers' rights. It's fuckin' commies. They don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay. That's, I like dark, but not depressing music too. Yeah. I mean the Bauhaus. Yeah. Sometimes I put these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you were listening to, I remember we were listening to the new Bond one with Billy Eilish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta not fall asleep and just watch that. You should. Yeah, I tried two times and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, we all know this came out a while ago, but it was in high demand. We never got to smell it. No. This is Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cunt whiffs? Yeah. Okay, ready? I'm gonna give my first cunt whiff. Someone else is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does not smell like that. Lies! She's a liar, Pats! It does not smell like a vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, what does a vag smell like? Annie, you know the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, she got us. That bitch got us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A clean dick, smells like soap. Dicks don't really smell. Balls have different range of odors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well sweaty. So if they're sweaty, they just smell like a sweaty part of the body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's okay, it's not like, oh my god, it's not a big deal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but some guys balls can really smell bad if they don't wash under there. I've had funky balls in my life and that's not cool. No, I was too young. Like you and I got together when I was 28. So I know when you're in your twenties, you're not like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, wash your nut. At least I didn't have that wherewithal. But now you would. Now I'd be like, bro, you gotta wash your balls, homie. Right away? Would you tell the girl? If her vag stink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes people can't help it because they're internal stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old guys? I like when old guys talk some shit. It's good. It's kinda funny. It's who should be talking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be like, like if we were walking down the street and somebody would try to solicit or like one of these people outside of the grocery store, like come on, please, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah. One time in the parking lot of Gelson's, he got into a fist fight because he told somebody their kid was crying and he's like, why don't you tell your kid to shut the fuck up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy was like, what'd you say, bro? He's like, you fucking kid, shut up. And then he's like, just take it outside, homie. Like, my mo- I wasn't there for this, but my mother and my stepdad, and my stepdad fucking fought a guy in the parking lot of Gilson's. And, corner of Recita and Ventura, yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember. I mean it was, I was in, I was like not paying attention and then in the movie theater one time too he told someone to shut up and like take it outside. My mom told me to like, oh yeah, your stepdad fought with some guy in the parking lot. I'm like, this is unreal. Hey. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was always nice to me. Really, we used to go for ice cream all the time. And then he's, one time he stops, he slashed a guy's tires on the way to ice cream, stuff like that, get back in the car. He was really nice to me. He was probably the most normal of the four parents I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really was. He was really actually paternal to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was my psycho stepdad. He, but he was so nice to me and he really enjoyed me and we laughed a lot and he wasn't my dad. I didn't give a shit what he did. I think that's why, cause I didn't judge him. I don't fucking care. I'm not disappointed in you as a father. You're not my dad. You're just a guy that lives with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of his fucking mind. He was out of his mind, but was a great provider. I mean, we had a lot of money when he was around and then got taken away by the IRS later, but for a while it was a good ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No he didn't, he didn't pay taxes for like a long time, like a decade. And that's when they come after you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, Sinbad. Now how do they know this? I guess because everybody's tax information is public?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, this is true. He's a true entertainer, he's the OG kind. I met him when I was a little kid, he was super nice to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I haven't seen him perform since like the 80s. Yeaah. When he was really really really popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really is. He was a big, did he have sitcoms too? Yea, he had sitcoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say, I'm upset that I didn't find this. And this is a tank top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know dude. I don't like that. That was terrible, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And she's got like lights up too. Like Christmas lights up. How do you fucking plug them in though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's doing that thing of like, look how gross and cool I am, and just trying to be shocking. I don't buy it. You don't buy it. If you really lived in a sewer, you wouldn't look that good with your makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, mom, you're busy. You've got back-to-back meetings, errands to run, chores to take care of, and you know what you can do to make your life a little bit easier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use DoorDash. Why not? You can get dinner, household essentials, and everything on your grocery list delivered. It's just that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy. Get what you want to eat right now and right to your door with Door Dash. Sometimes I order, uh, two different restaurants to have delivered to our home cause the kids like one thing. They like the pizza. They like the pasta. Tom and I like to have a little piece of fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not have it all? You can. Along with the restaurants you love, you can now get groceries and other essential items delivered with DoorDash. Get drinks, snacks, and other household items in under an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Craving late night ice cream? Forgot that one key ingredient for dinner or maybe you just need to stock up for the week. With DoorDash, get everything in one app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH, that's 25% off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it infuriated your mother when she saw me doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was with, I was with our kids and I was just like, I just woke up and when you're a mom, you don't always have, I don't have time to do normal people things. If I have to shit, I shit with the door open and two kids talking to me. You know what I mean? Like I just, I have to do what I have to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to blow my nose. And instead of reaching for a tissue or using my t-shirt, which I sometimes do, I blew my nose in my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I just like, it's like clear, it's not boogery or chunky. I don't know, you guys are way fucking squeamish, seriously?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just started doing it openly. I've been doing it for years by myself, and now I came out. I'm out. So what I want to say is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't have time to find the tissue. I don't always have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you guys would be more supportive of my new alternative lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's pretty rad though, right? Yeah. Don't I get some kind of props just for being grosser than you guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want you to know that it upset your mother and I know that that makes you deeply sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not gonna see it, but I won't do it in front of you, how about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because sometimes, I'm just like, I'm just busy, I don't want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same reason I don't dry my body off when I get out of the shower entirely. Sometimes I just don't. I just don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good one. That was a really long part. Yea, it was really good. She did a good job. She did a good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I thought for sure, definitely other side, other team. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so special, Tom. You always learn something. That's what I love about him. He just keeps giving and giving. Can I take a pitch one time? Again? Yeah. Okay. I drank a lot of water this morning. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's carrying a fucking lion that's freaking out having a tantrum in her arms. Isn't that amazing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's cute. Yeah, way cute. Yeah, she's cute. Damaged any? Your kinda girl? That's a prove it kinda girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she's a smart one in this relationship, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that s- yeah, for sure, and that- do you know that snakes just shit and piss on you randomly too? I did not know that, but it adds up. Yeah, so like, at the end- obviously near the tail,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll just shit and piss all over you, so she probably has shit and piss on her face all the time if she's letting that thing do that to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the snake is in a cage probably on its own piss and shit, and that's rolling on your fucking face, dude. Nah, bro. Nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just thought at first it would be kinda cool. I thought, it is an art installation. But it's a car on the side of the building. It looks like it's, it's really cool, right? Okay, you like that one. That was kind of arty and informative. Fun. Fun times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know this is happening right now too, I mean, we just taught it, but, ugh. You don't know what the fuck people do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're going to sell this meat or cook it and sell it or whatever. Yeah. This is for the truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a lighter feed right now. We got cats eating kibble, the guy dancing at the grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was cool, right? I thought that was interesting. I didn't expect it to go there. I thought he was going to lose a finger or something for sure. Something gross is going to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, every day. Yeaah, yeaah. It's heart breaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people listening. You guys got to know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I'm sure you're gonna feel the loss too, as we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're still in shock. I know I am still not really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really was one of the greats. Like, I know you guys got to hear the silly side to him, but as a human being, hands down,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just a solid person. He cared about his family above everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He cared for his community. He was a good example. He cared for his country. You don't make him the way Top Dog was. And, you know, I talk about my dad being a maniac and Top Dog really was my surrogate father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loved it, and you know what's funny is that he was never arrogant about that. You know, like it was, it was always innocent. It was always like, yea, I'm a good public speaker, people love me, I'm good at what I do, and, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he definitely was so proud of you. Proud of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proud of us, proud of the show, and I think being a part of your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Uhm, it's funny because even on the show, he told the same stories, like the Orlando airport shit. Yeah. And all that. And in real life, he would tell those stories. Over and over. Over and over too. And that was really him. That was really the sweet, sweet guy that he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm not out of line saying that you played him the podcast. We did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I think is cool in his last moments that he got to hear


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. I'm just moving to late summer. I mean, I feel like everything's gonna wrap


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's really shocking about this freeze frame right here? There's no zipper for like, this guy has not had heart surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I mean, no. Nothing more than, nothing wild, just regular annoying things, but nobody ever standing up, nobody ever yelling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta be a little more subtle then. Yea. Hey, I'm just gonna. You got any empty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's happened to me three times, and I finally asked them, and they just said, if somebody buys a ticket within seven days of the flight, that like flags, our system flags it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, what is that? So you, like, we're, like, is this, these are our flights to LA. Yeah, sometimes people take drugs. You're like, to LA? From Ohio, they take drugs to LA. Last second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His style switch. Oh yeaah. He's got like a more laid back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they moved into that other room and then they had the door right next to the stage where the, like, the wait staff walked through and that's where their bathrooms was, it's like, can you have a more distracting thing eight feet from the stage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't give a fuck. And they built that room. Is that like, well, the stage is here. They put the stage there. They could have put it on any of the walls and they put it on the one that they shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at least the comedy store, the show is, is like a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the comedy clubs, these shows are 90 minutes. How can you not make it 90 minutes? If that happens, that means they never should have let you on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then he went, I could hear him for the last 10 minutes of my set. He was debating the guy at the door, uh, as to whether or not he could just fight me. And the guy was like, you can't just fight him. The show's going on. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they eventually kicked him out and then the guy was like, yeah, we knew that guy was going to be a problem. He, uh, when they were buying tickets, he hit his wife in line and then they were next and they were, and it was like, two please. I'm like, okay, front row, front row good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but you still like, if, that means that they opened the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, nobody watches Jaws and goes, you know, Quint, the seafood captain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it would've been fun. I've been fired before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy fired me. And then, uh, and then I called him a fucking asshole and he was like, you can't, you're still in uniform. So I took my, I took my uniform shirt off and I was in the front of the house and I was like, how about now? You're a fucking asshole, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got my job back two months later. You did? Yeah, they fired that guy. That guy was an asshole. I wasn't wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm talking about? It's like in the commercial. So it seemed like it was written, it's like a country music song. And it seemed like it was written for Applebee's, but it was just a song that was written and Applebee's was like, Hey, that's about us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's, it's unbelievable that it's real. The people that like country music are fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a little update, it's been about a year and a half and my craft singles purse is still existing. She may not be thriving, but she's here. She's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Machine, uh, by Brett Kreischer. It's like literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we will fuck your asses up. You don't wanna play with us. We'll find out where you live. We don't care how far our drive we have to go. Our men have no problem texting us. Because they're loyal and so are we.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have been with mine since middle school and I am now 20. Oh wow. Starting tomorrow. She has been with her man a long time and we are not praying when it comes to our man. Though the father of our kids, well, I have kids, she doesn't yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we really don't appreciate you guys sending pictures of your body parts to our gu- our guys and asking if they're single. Because obviously, they're fucking not. You see that my name's with his name. For a reason. So we're not single. And they're not single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, who's farting? That's really what we care about. Who's on the talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all know what the amazing thing is. What do you mean? You've been bragging about it non-stop. It's your new best friend, Brad Pitt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Look how happy, you're genuinely, aww, look at you laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even now your smile is kinda pointed down, like, like you're forcing the smile right now with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you guys just tell me what it's like? Like, what do you talk about? First of all, I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You made Brad Pitt pay for tickets to see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know you anymore. I feel like this friendship has gone to your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's really far. Babe, our children miss you. They don't really see you a whole lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do. Are those even your friends anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful hair. He was fucking beautiful. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, real, he's, and even he's all smelly and like, I'm a stinky, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a hardcore goth girl growing up, I wasn't, I didn't permit myself to like him in mainstream roles. And then he did interview with a vampire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all the goth crowds, we were so upset that it was Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt playing vampires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, even this dog chow, Tom Cruise, next to Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise is like, minced meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like about him is he is so humble. I don't sense that he has a big ego whatsoever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, I think what was so sweet, cause you came home and you told me the story and the way you described it was like he was a little kid meeting his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. I mean, he is 58. Yea, look at him. He looks fucking crazy. He's ridiculous. And like you said too, this star quality, it's funny because before I was in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I didn't even get to be there for it and I'm so excited, just hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, and how upset is Bert about your new best friend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that would make it okay if you did talk about Burt the whole time. Burt would feel so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And can I tell you what I like is that Brad Pitt hangs out with like a fucking lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I have a pass for Brad Pitt? Yes, and I want fuckin'


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are a lot of worthwhile goals to set for yourself this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the top of my list is learning a new language with Babbel, the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only is learning a new language a fun and engaging new hobby, you can use it while you check off traveling more from your to-do list. The whole Babbel process is addictively fun, fast and easy. Babbel teaches bite-sized language lessons for real-world use. I've been learning Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my Babbel app, and I can do it in 15 minute increments, uhm, so I don't feel like there's pressure, and I've had the best time. With Babbel, you can choose from 14 different, uh, languages, Spanish, French, Italian, and German. Plus, Babbel's speech recognition technology helps you to improve your pronunciation and accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are so many ways to learn with Babbel. In addition to lessons, you can access podcasts, games, videos, stories, and even live classes. Plus, it comes with a 20-day money back guarantee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash mom. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash mom for up to 65% off your subscription. Babbel, language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is so hot. How fucking rad is that? He's everything I wanted you to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like the sense of urgency, like it looks like he had to pull over on the side of the road and make this video immediately. He's like, I need to get this message out. Oh yea, there's cars driving by, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely from Glendale. I was gonna say, this guy is, he's Armenian, I'm guessing. Yeah. If I know my, uh, my Glendale tribes. Right? Definitely. Glendale Armo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, he starts off sweet and then I like his necklace. I like his the Mercedes.


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[Assistant] So that's why I like the stuff at the top. Like if you pay attention to me, show me you love me, then I don't want to hear the details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Metaphors. That's why the Beatles were so successful. I want to hold your hand. It's code for when to eat your asshole. Right. Wet ass pussy. Like, it's too much. Too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too far. Cause how many songs, I know you listen to music that I'm not as familiar with, like a lot of the female singers will be like, sex with me is so amazing, lick my pussy up and down, lick it till your tongue turns, do do do, like that's for the men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doodoo Brown. But, but, are there male singers that sing like this for women? This graphically that are successful? Cause they're always metaphorical, like R. Kelly was more metaphorical, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it wasn't I want to eat like your pussy and I mean it got into my big dick and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some dudes. Hey girl. He's definitely, he looks like he's like on, uh, Topeka Canyon, like he pulled over on Malibu or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just did that, like that fucking bitch from, what's her name, the criminal one, the centuron, with the blood, drawing blood on the dot. You know, that crazy bitch Elizabeth, what's her name, she just got convicted. Oh, oh, oh, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Elizabeth Holmes. I think we have another cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he shaved here in the middle, second row. I have to like take him in. I can't. Oh, it's a lot. It's a lot. It's like, it's so good, babe. It's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy doesn't have any personality, you put that goatee on him, and now he's got swag, like he's got a thing. Yeaah, it's a thing. There's no thing here. Here's what's really remarkable. Oh this is a good one, I like this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. The premise is the world sucks without you. Yeah. A miserable daughter girlfriend. Let's be our forever young years together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's my prediction. This guy is going to unfold like an onion, like the layers to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a guy, I am fascinated, I am enraptured, I have to know more. What else is he posting? Can we do a little bit of a deeper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the horny and the kissing. And he doesn't kiss right. He goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I buy it and I'm in and then it's like, I know you're horny. I'm horny. I want to get, I want to put my dick in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's that guy, I remember he was like, that teenage boy, he was like, hey baby girl, I just want to love you baby girl. You're my everything baby girl. Remember? He was like, it was so hard to watch. Remember? It's a good look for him, by the way. No, that one's a good one. He should have kept his hair. And the beard. And I like the slicked back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a very typical Glendale Armenian guy. This is like the stereotypically Armenian look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, Kim Kardashian, bro, that's the girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is you can never digress from the message. Don't you ever stop believing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, I thought at first that's how he gets laid on TikTok. He's the guy that's like, I care about you girl, what's inside of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine not busting in that with someone for five years? No. You can't even go like, five hours, five days for you would be like, tragic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are a cum hound. That's not the right way to say that. You are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's doing it right now. Not everything is a conspiracy, a capitalist conspiracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Not, not, they, who, who they, sweetie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, not everything in capitalism is inherently the devil. Have you tried Ultraboosts? They're pretty nice. Yeah. I mean, a foot prisons, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I, I mean it does worry me that she's letting her one year old walk on gravel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do, I kinda do. She's like, I know one day I will inevitably step into a sunshower class, and it, like, not just the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what kills me too about these people? Is like, they're poo-pooing everything that's awesome in the western world. Yeah. Until they need it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you by the way, I didn't even thank you for last night, uh, 9.30, usually is my bedtime, and you go, oh no, no wait, I've got this great documentary I want to show you, it's on, it's the National Geographic, and I look and the cover is like, undersea diving, I think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh cool, I love the ocean, I want to learn about diving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, a few minutes in, it's like, and then the Tide children were swept into the cave, and they were there for 18 days, and I was like, what are you doing to me? You totally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bamboozled me. I was so fucking fired up from the start. I had to take Xanax and chill out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you watch them they're like, they're all like, weirdos. Yeah, they're all introverts. Super introverts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're so cute. And this one guy goes, he goes, well, I was so afraid of losing my precious cargo, meaning the child he was carrying. He's like, what if I, what if he didn't survive? I'd just have to start drinking. And then what'd he say? He goes, drinking. And what was the second part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was drinking and going off the rails and I thought, well that is a very specific worry and I totally agree. I love the nerds by the way. Me too, they're great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta see, there's this great footage of one of the guys, and you just, he sets up a camera, like a GoPro, I guess, or whatever, as he's going, remember that one scene? And he's through like a slimy, narrow entrance, and he's just like, how the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a great story, I do appreciate that, but whenever there's children involved, I immediately, like, I can't take it. Yeah, there it is, cave diving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well and not only that, they were saying that the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's horrible. The diving equipment isn't just like a regular scuba dive equipment. No. This guy would like hand craft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tube or the thing that needs to, and then he's, he, he, they say that he showed up in Thailand, the first guy, the best diver in the world. And he shows up with a homemade oxygen tank and they're just like, this guy's going to save the day. And yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm always flattered to be the object of his affection. I know that there are many women vying for his attention. And the fact that he chose me to make a video. Makes you feel good? Makes me feel really special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm familiar with his work on the talk. I've showcased him a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a month? What I like is he offers advice for those who are single for Valentine's Day. Maybe you don't have somebody, you should see your friends. It's always good to see your friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's getting really good at these and he had a fan going in the background. That's pretty cool. Yeaah. He's upped his game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the thought of turning that big idea into reality can feel overwhelming. How do you even get started?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to a study conducted by Fiverr, 25% of people revealed they had a business idea in the past 18 months, but nearly 60% of those people never pursued it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the majority said it was due to lack of resources. Well, you don't have the lack of resources. What's your excuse? I love Fiverr. You can find anything you need. You need a poster designed? Go to Fiverr. I've done it. It's simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Fiverr, turning your idea into something real is easier than ever. They've got experts ready to help with data, design, marketing, technology, website building, music, video animation, and so much more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just search for the service you need and set the timeline and price you want. Fiverr will provide a list of freelancers who meet your criteria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] browser portfolios, read reviews, and know exactly what you'll pay before ordering anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you think like, what, what is it in the women? Like, what is the human need that the con addresses? Because all good cons...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like they're meeting a human need and that's why you go against your better judgment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, yes. You act in ways any rational sane person would not because of the emotional need there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, even like when you think of a Bernie Madoff, right? His con was competence, right? I will take care of you, maybe he was like, I will


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like vulnerable and really wants love. That's her want, is to be loved. That's everybody, but I think she was really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Cause he, he had his bases covered where if you, if you researched him, you Googled him, he had pictures. There he is on the yacht.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's with his dad. He's famous rich dad. It's like, well then surely this checks out, but is it that it's not even that hard, I guess, to Photoshop and create a whole identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Motivate people to do things that are against their better judgment. A lot of times, uh, you know, you know how to organize people and come like, you've got really good skills. But the sickness is this guy is, he likes the game of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I guess he has no conscience, right? These guys have no, uhm, no conscience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it was like stupid the way he said it? It wasn't stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is your favorite hot sauce?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the whole joke, because he has a severe fear of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go the opposite. I go to, oh my god, I'm so embarrassed, I'm gonna leave and just go die right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You going out? That's what I'm saying. Yeah, but my personal go to in this moment would be like, oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. I gotta run away and die right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying you understand his emotion of fuck all y'all if I don't get what I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss California. This makes me miss LA, because they're so, they're so, bro, this guy right here is just starting to fucking, it gets so, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was drunk, that's what. But, but. Of course. I would have, if that were me, I'd be like, bro, how much is your fucking McDonald's? Okay, pay for you. That's the other thing. Get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a bitch-ass nerd. Yeah. Fucking dork. Fucking asshole. Yeah, don't video it, you fucking bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, we were talking about this somewhere my mom's at, and speaking of conning,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they're like, no, it's crane. It's crane. We're from LA. Everybody says crane. And I was like, okay. And then I started saying crane and I'm like, wait a minute. Let's Google pronounce pronunciation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crayon. I've never heard anybody say it. But that's not how we're saying it. You're saying crane. Crayon. Crayon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was calling the Bernstein Bearers. It's Berenstein, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're in staying bearers. Kranz. Kranz. And yes, I'm a loser. Okay. Baby, what's up ladies? My beautiful girl. What's up girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's infuriating that they also brainwashed me into thinking I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad you agree with me. Fuckin crayon. Do you like hot sauce?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any so cool though. He's so coolest. It's good to see Any in an uncool moment, right? He's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not like you're trying to be, I'm just saying that you are. And we're all fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the pit stop. It's so cool dude. Yea, me and pit stop. Dang. Yea. You think he'll stay in our guest house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well he's a big fan here, so I thought maybe he'd like to stay at the house, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 13th, I'm at the Stateside at Paramount as part of the Moon Tower Comedy Festival here in Austin. May 3rd, one night only at the Regent Theater as part of the Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival and then I go to Mini Apple Tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 6th and 7th at ACME Comedy Club. Uh, the Irvine Improv, May 20th and 26th. I AM YOUR MOTHER! Oh yeaah. Uh, the Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey, the Wilbur, Boston, Cleveland, Ohio, and on and on it goes. How does it go? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's a joyful honor. Thank you. And it's, and thank you very much for having me and, uh, thank you for allowing me to, uh, fly myself out to Austin, put myself up, and take lifts everywhere. I appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright! Hey, if I can combine that with a, uh, one of y'all can give me a ride to the airport, and then I'm, I mean, I'm ahead of it. You're sad, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that was, I think, or no, uh, second to last tour where I would go, and I would just drink the whole time, and I'd drink before I got on stage, and then I, I would go, I would do sets until I had to go to the bathroom, and then, you know, some of them were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was also kinda, you know, it was obviously a lot younger, and it was, you know, I had bands opening up for me, and I would do music clubs and stuff, and uhm, it was just a different vibe, and uhm, and there's just a lot of drinking, lots of drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's good. I was trying to kind of, I thought it was important to, uhm, kind of capture the energy and the, the looseness. It's a little too loose for my taste and I kind of went the other way, uh, subsequently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I remember when I was putting it together, like, there's, you know, there were, uh, I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably 30, uh, you know, dates that I recorded somewhere around there between 25 and 30 shows and, uh. For that album? For that, yeah. It was a tour that I just, uh, I had done this tour with some bands and then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, I was driving to the very last state in Savannah. I was in a van with the band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a call out of the blue from Subpop, uh, who I didn't know, you know, and they were asking me about, you know, putting out an album and I was like, wow, I'm at the literally the last day of this tour, but yeah, put some more dates together. And so we did that and did the rest of the country. And, uh, um, and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I was starting to say was that it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're hearing the tighter parts. Like I'd be listening to it going, oh man, I can't believe I forgot to say that or I've used the wrong word or I'm, or I'm stumbling or I'm slurring or, you know, like especially toward bits towards the end of the, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun. It was, it was probably the most fun I've ever had on tour. It was a blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, I was saying this earlier to your producer that I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll kind of come back around to some other stories, but I, with this latest special, uhm, I will regret until the day I die that I didn't get to tour America with this material. Oh, right. Because it's one thing to do it in Brooklyn, you know? Yeah. Uh, but to do it in, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tampa or, uh, you know, some of the more conservative parts of the country and the south and the midwest and places where I've had, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting shows, you know, uhm, I mean, it'll always be a disappointment, cause I, this, this set, this, this latest thing is, uh, I had to cancel my tour, uhm, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I knew that by the time I got out on tour, I, most of this material, I wasn't going to be doing it a year from now or whenever I would be able to go out again. Cause I'm about to start on this project with uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bob Odenkirk and his brother Bill that we sold and, and who knows how long it'll be before I get to go out again. And, uh, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, you know, very quickly put this together and, you know, called some producers and got some cameras down there at a place that I play at a lot in Brooklyn called the Bell House. And, uhm, and just put it together very quickly just to have it, you know, to do something with it. And, uhm, but it'll be, it'll be a big regret that I, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause who knows, cause I had so much, uh, so many, um, uh, people walking out when I did Making America Great Again. Oh yeaah. And in part, a lot of it, and I address it in the thing, in the special, but it's like people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm doing these large theaters and there are people who just didn't know who I was and weren't familiar with my material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, a lot of people, uh, uh, I shouldn't say a lot of people left, but most shows had at least, you know, a couple people leaving. Sometimes quietly and sometimes very, very vocally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, yeaah, I mean there were, uh, and the last tour, this is, this is probably my favorite, and the last...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tour I did, which, uh, resulted in oh come on, I was doing a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a theater in Pittsburgh that I've done a bunch and I, I always have, uh, you know, look forward to it. It's a, it's a, I have good shows there. Um, I want to say it was the Homestead, is that? Yeah. Yeah. I'll put it like, uh, Carnegie Mellon. That's it. Yeah. And, uh, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was doing the show and, uh, uh, every once in a while, you know, they'll have security. I didn't ask for security. I certainly don't want to pay for it, but, uh, uhm, there's a secret, you know, guy on either side of the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in case a mosh pit breaks out, I guess. Uh, but uh, this guy, I was not even 20 minutes into the set, and I haven't even, even the bit I was doing, I hadn't gotten to the juicy stuff, and the guy's, you know, from the stage, and he yells, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, and people thought it was a bit. Of course. Cause his timing was perfect. It literally, that's where you'd script him to saying that. And I was like, dude, I haven't even gotten to anything yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, are they, is this gonna get, Tom, you don't, yea? I don't know. You're shaking your head, okay. Go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I moved constantly when I was a kid and I, uhm, I was just trying to figure this out with my wife, uh, uhm, but I didn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't attend the same school for two years in a row until I was in sixth grade, I think. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, 7th grade. That would have been 7th grade. Uhm. Why were you moving so much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pithy answer is, uh, uh, my dad got fired a lot. Uhm, and, and that's really kind of true, but uhm, I don't have a relationship with my dad anymore. I haven't talked to him in almost 40 years, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he was one of those guys who was just, you know, nothing was his fault ever, and he was always the victim, and he was one of those, you can't fire me, I quit, guys, you know, and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you can't quit because I fired you, but anyway, uhm, so we were, we just were constantly moving and, uh, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, where we settle, I was born in Georgia, then we settled back there when I was nine, and uhm, and, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I eventually, uh, went to a school of the arts in high school, in 10th grade, and that kinda saved my life a little bit, but uhm, uh, I mean, I was, my mom was, uh, an avid reader, and very bookish, and uhm, and not that I was homeschooled in any way, but she taught me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make myself read fiction more, I used to read just fiction, and then I got, uhm, kinda when Bush, uh, George Bush was elected, I started reading more non-fiction, and it, and it just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like 19th century Russian literature was my thing. Wow. But I mean, they're great stories. Yeah. Uh, Gogol and, uh, Dostoevsky and, uh, I mean, uh, uh, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is early 20th century, but uhm, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Master Margarita and things, uh, you know, in that world. Uhm, I loved, I loved that stuff. Loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, you know, I, I just, I read, uh, read everything Charles Portis has written, uhm, Dennis Johnson, uh, both dead, but they're, all their stuff is amazing, and then, uh, a lot of Vonnegut, that, you know, that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, I was, I'm the oldest of three, I was the only boy, uhm, I have two younger sisters, uh, and, I guess you could figure that out by what I said, it was like, uhm, yeaah, so I have two younger sisters, uhm, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, I just, I, I was kind of a mix of, I wouldn't say I was introverted, but I was quite often, you know, as, as you might have experienced when you were younger, the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was, I was also Jewish in, um, in Georgia. Which is fun, right? That's gotta be a good time. They treat you with extra special there. And, uh, and also I was clearly Jewish. Like, I had a Jew fro and I had, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I just was comically looked like that. And, and, you know, it was very, at least when I was a kid there, it was very Southern Baptist. And, um, and so I kind of stuck out and, uh, and it was also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy guy, and comedy guys got kind of picked on, you know, and as I said, until I moved into the city, into Atlanta and went to the School of the Arts, I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, you know, the kind of high school you see depicted, uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Friday night lights type of things, but with, with, you know, no black people and just, uh, the, you know, if you were a football player, you were God and that's all they cared about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, the classic like getting dumped into a trash can, and then stuffed into a locker, all that kind of shit. Uh, and I was, you know, not, uh, I was pretty slight, and I was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're, uh, so no horns? I thought there were, so you, so you, you, are you able to have them removed, or how does that work? I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just going off of what I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. Well, to their, to their knowledge. They're like, I bank.