[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, all in all, this pregnancy's been pretty easy, except for written, this is it. The last four weeks are fucking horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Pilates helped a lot. I've been watching my diet. It's been, it's been pretty decent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, it's so fucking hard. Like, that's gotta be the hardest thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bananas. What incredible shape these dudes are in. Just to be able to, just to stay in the ring. Just to be like, you know, doing that stuff. How long is a boxing match? I mean, generally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, like one time I took a, anyway, I tried kickboxing once in my twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just kidding the bag and kicking it and shit like that for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Could you imagine what it feels like after you're done with a fight? Like a full fight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you were on the road for so long, and I think it kinda got backlogged, where people ask you to do things, and then you're like, how about this week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who's great, who's great too, he's so sweet. Uhm, is Anthony Mourdain? We never spoke about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I didn't even want to talk about it last week because I was so upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm such a, I'm such an admirer of his. I read all of the books. I've been a fan of his since 2005. And I was really upset. I think it took three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how that catapulted him into the fucking- Really? Yes, cause she got a hold of Kitchen Confidential and he had put these tips in there like don't order swordfish in a restaurant cause of worms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he had two failed novels before that. He was writing mystery novels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, when he broke up with Otavia Bourdain, I was like, this is great, it's finally my chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to do that, uh, but I did feel there was a kindred, uh, creative spirit there and I'm so, I'm so upset cause I, I just, you know, cause especially all these fucking dumb chefs, like you said, it's like Andrew Zimmern's, like, not that he's bad, but it's just like, it's a difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd want to click. I would be so uhm, I've had dreams. The night he died, I had a dream about him. Remember I told you? I dreamt that we were in a New York City cafe and I was too afraid to go up to him because he's cooler than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, and anyways, bringing back Drew because, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they categorize this suicide as impulsive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he mentioned that TV show Patrick Melrose on Showtime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, and I was really into it, cause that guy, um, Cumberbatch. Yeah. Benefucked Cumbersnatch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And not only has it all, but has it all their way. Where you're like, dude, you got to do it like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. And talking down to foreigner or to foreign cultures and talking down to people and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we, you know, yeah, and I think we had a few mutual acquaintances, people that had known him and I would hear things about, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. Well, the good news is my shrink was telling me that a lot of people have been reaching out for therapy since those two suicides, so that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, cause I, I, I keep Googling Anthony, but I was like obsessed with the story. And it said that he did reach out to his doctor, like a few, a day or two before and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think what's so shocking with Anthony is that you didn't see that, well I didn't see Robin Williams coming, but when you go, well he was, he had some illness that he was dealing with, right? Robin was, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and she didn't want to seek treatment because she felt it would tarnish her brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is so sad, like it's so sad that there's still a stigma on getting treatment. It's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, meh, meh, Yanaz, let the record show, uh, let's look right now at the evidence. I'm drinking water, Fiji water, courtesy of Martin Riza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not mostly water, it's mostly brown, which is what your urine looks like after you drink that. Okay. So one of us hydrates, one of us dehydrates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It's a stupid thing. It's a stupid assumption that it doesn't- It's a diuretic, so it makes you pee more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long time. It's a long time. You're not even 40 yet. That's so gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something, you contemplate your life. It's at that midlife crisis, shit is real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm opposed to the big birthday. We talk about this a lot. I don't understand these adults who are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you, I mean, after 30 you don't get to do that shit, like you get the big ones, 30, 40, 50, 60, but that's it. Who gives a fuck about you and your birthday, like you have a job, you have a mortgage, go on with your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well what do you want though? But you and I both hate parties, especially throwing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great idea. I think a small intimate party at your own home, you can kinda control the variables.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sushi and wine. First thing when they pop this kid out, dude, that's what I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring me the wine and bring me the sushi. I don't give a fuck if I'm breastfeeding. Your milk doesn't come in for fucking two or three days anyways, bro. Bring it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you gonna do? You're gonna do something like, you're gonna go to Colorado with Bert and Ari and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna like, go horseback riding with Joe or something. What? What? You love, you're always talking about your horseback riding thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, I hate birthdays. I hate, I hate the in-between birthdays, like this one, like 42. Like who gives a shit that I'm 42? Nobody fucking cares. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'd like it if like a guy friend, like a jackass set up, or like, maybe Johnny Knoxville dumps that bug down like someone's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shorts. Yeaah. And they get a bite on their peener or their balls. Now that's a funnier scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, the double pipe classic is the burp comes out of your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's saying you're gonna burp into my rectum and so that my rectum is just full of your burp air. I know. And that, that actually is not, it's improper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's not even a, it's a non-starter guy. This is not even a loophole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's illogical. What you're suggesting is it's illogical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, let me tell you something, I don't think, and I understand what he's saying, you sit on someone's butt and then you fart on their butt, but in order for that fart to go into somebody's butthole,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so that's just bad luck for her. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if it were to go in, there would be a fart transfer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not happening, it's not possible, it is possible but it's just not, you could put a funnel in her butthole and then fart into the funnel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so depressing. Yes, you showed this to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so embarrassing. Like it's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. I can't even bring myself to have an opinion. I'm so upset inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so inappropriate. Oh, you know what it reminds me of? Is when you see somebody make like an independent film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They send you the trailer that they made on their, uhm, Apple computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what that is. It's like the Stephen Seagal movies that we watch sometimes. Yes, it's exactly like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if he was like, North Korea, do the right thing. Oh my god. Whatever. You know how the celebrity is endorsing you that like you, like, it's, it's been, it's just utter nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, to be fair I understand a younger comedian might want your feedback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what? Like that's just how you would you stand up. You're just telling this person, hey, this is how I would do it. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, fifth year comic or fourth year comic and being like, why aren't I in the clubs? Why aren't I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you get good enough, people will take notice. You don't have to do much. Once you're good...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people submit them to me and I politely decline. I say, look, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my food is arriving and I would like to know whether or not Claudia opened the door for this person, cause they're calling me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting. You like the element of surprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think you got something there because America's Funniest Home Videos made several seasons of that show just on this premise. It's the nut hit, right? And the reason the nut hit worked is because it wasn't deliberate. It was the accidental kid swinging, it's the mom doing whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't work when it's deliberate. Unless it's jackass and there's a group of guys laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene the Joke God's gonna be adding a, I added a show Sunday, August 26th at Breast Balls Beach at the Improv in West Palm because the other ones are sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, where else have we added shows? There's an added show in Ball Sacramento, California. That's October 6th. Uh, there's an added show in Boys Seeds, Idaho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think Eugene's added show is gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I know that in November, the Wellmont Theater in Montclair sold out. So we are adding a show, I'm trying to get you the, uh, info about when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene, this episode is going to be insane. We have so many good things lined up. Are you ready to get into it? Yeah. Let's party. I feel like this, hold on a second. Every time I do this thing. Yeah, this is, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, first let me, before I forget, mention thank you to everybody that came out to the all new Brea Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's basically a small theater, but crowds were amazing. Uh, it's, you know, I've said this in a post and I've said it before to people, there's nothing like the physical space that you're comfortable with as a comic or performer. The old Brea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the first club I ever emcee'd a weekend at. First club I ever featured a weekend at and the first night I ever headlined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crowds were always great to me in Brea. I just always had a good time. So I always, I've always loved going to Brea to do those weekends. And it was awesome. It was really, it was my first time doing an hour in two months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his introduction, he would always say, you know, from your mom's house podcast and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a killer. And I've been telling people about it online. You have too. You're also a big fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did something I've never seen you do. If you guys don't know, this is a new Netflix series that, uhm, what it does is it, uhm, features people on death row, uh, who have murdered or, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this, in the one case, in the second episode, it's a guy who was present with some, you know what I mean? You know how a lot of states, if they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I drive and you kill someone and then we drive away, I get charged too. So there's a guy like that. But in the first episode, which you were exposed to, you sat on the bed and stared down and I was like, can you believe that? And you're like, I'm not listening and I'm not looking. I don't want this to permeate my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, the funny parts are funny, I'll give them that. But the sad parts are definitely very sad. You were also exposed to how bad he looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says in the first episode, uhm, you know, they feature him in an interview and then the state of Florida let him be interviewed 65 days later. So they do a follow up interview. He looks so much better. Like, the black circles are gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what happened, but that guy's life story when you really, really think about it, it is horrific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he has a couple, he has a couple funny, funny beats. Yeaah. Like when he goes, uh, like when he talks about he killed his, uh, cellmate. And then he's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I killed my cellmate and then he looks at the interviewer and he goes, I don't feel bad about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, by the way, it's set up by the dialogue that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy who's featured, the killer, the death bro guy, told the producers, oh you should interview this guy, like it's implied. And he goes, I don't know why he told you to interview me, I'm not his friend, that guy's a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was funny, and he talks about like how big of a piece of shit he is. He's like, that guy, I don't respect him at all. He's like, he is a fucking pariah. He just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's definitely like depressing, then comedy, like it goes back and forth. But it definitely, there's some sad parts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hoping, I mean, I'm not through the series yet, I haven't, I'm hoping for, uh, a little more psycho detached, like crazy person, and a little less, oh my life, you know, is real sad and this is a sad thing. I'm hoping more funny and less sad is coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I started episode 2, which, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that one was, that one was pretty sad too. I'm hoping it gets funnier, but it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what? I swear I recognize one of the, so there's only, El Chapo's Mexican series that I think there's, I don't know how many seasons of it are on Netflix, and I started it. And here's the thing, you always roll the dice with these, especially with these Latin American productions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is that? Well, I mean, the shows that we get to see on like, you know, the soaps and stuff and like, like Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's horrible. It's so bad. And so I go, is this going to be like a hokey cheesy show? Like I didn't know if it's going to be good or really goofy and shitty. And it's actually really good. You know, it's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically the Narcos story, but of El Chapo. And yeah, the actors are great. The production values is great. They have a couple American, like English speaking actors in small parts on it. And I swear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them, uh, looks so familiar to me. I think he was in my groundlings class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has done very well. I guess they're looking at, uh, possibly doing a season four right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's him. Yeah? Yep. You know that dude? I know this dude. Yep. Wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. I gotta reach out to him. So his name is Dave Ohalvo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ching gong. All the Mexican slang makes me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, somebody who knows Dave, holler at me, man. Dave O'Holo. Now we used to hang out all the time. Really? Yea, Dave is a cool dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She took my first headshots. No shit. You know when you're like, you get here, you have no money, you need like, I don't have any headshots. Uh, this is Dave here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see he did, he did Loving Pablo, and what's Blanca? Is that, that's like another Mexican thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, Dave was a good dude, man. Good for him. Language Spanish. He's doing all Spanish language shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we have the new version of that, which is our son going, I hold you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just looks like, you know what it looks like? It looks like when a white person goes to Jamaica or Ghana or something and then they see locals dance and then they're like, I learned this. And you're like, please stop doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'd rather not be a good person than do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She says we dance because it hurts too much not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We dance because we are so grateful to have known this love. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she says, if you don't, if you don't let this out of you, this grief, it'll settle in your bones and make you sink with pain. So you can grief, you can grief move through you. You can help grief move through you with music and with dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope not. If you did this over some grief, I mean, I just want you to know that I would openly mock you also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's only a certain lane of white lady, who I happen to find the least attractive of all white ladies. It's really like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're literally the worst. They're my least favorite person to be around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's your job. Don't you understand that? You shouldn't feel badly about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your job to mock people who are being sincere and earnest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's who are sincere and in touch with their feelings. And she will inspire people to take that sincerely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what? People will enjoy us for that. Some people will get upset. And truthfully, maybe one day, many years down the line, we'll go, you know, I used to laugh at that and now I don't. And that'll be a different time in our life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is to mock this person for grieving like an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay in a dark room, kinda sit in your depression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dance thing, I'd be like, fuck you, I wanna punch something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were doing that for real, to grieve, I would just be like, look, you know, of course do it, like, I don't want to be anywhere around it. Please keep it in another room. Do it upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, well, uh, I gotta, I'm gonna have lunch now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just hear, ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra. Full volume. And he's holding it here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he didn't even know he was on a speakerphone. He was old. He was old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I know, I gotta, he was on the phone, I wanna say with Bank of America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I, I was able to, uh, pull this. Let me see if I can make it actually play here. This is, I found it on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At Starbucks. This is, he's, he's just sitting there with his phone, by the way, on a table. Yeah. Drinking his coffee on speakerphone. Crazy. Full volume. Crazy person. And we're all, you know, trying to enjoy our days too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, fuck everybody. You guys all listen to me being on hold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're on hold, you hold that shit up to your ear. Yeah, asshole. You fucking make everyone else listen to your hold stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unwind, have a coffee, and we gotta hear your commercials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even think, yeah, I mean he doesn't, like if you were like to say, do you think other people want to hear the speakerphone hold stuff from Bank of America while they're here? He would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and if you pointed out that like, no one wants to hear that, he'd be like, well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On-site policy for drug dealers. Love it. So like if he even thinks you're a drug dealer, they have permission to shoot you in the head on the streets. I think they should do it for socially rude people. Like somebody goes right there, murders that guy in Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The blood splatter on the window. And then like in China, when people are executed in China, they send your family the bill for the bullet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, you get a thing in the mail, it's like, you owe us a fucking dollar 28.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like your friend drew these in your car while you were driving and put them on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an FGTRTD. He is an FGTRTD buddy. Also, what happened was he, something like woke him up, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that'd be a great one to eliminate. I would love to kill everybody that does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Dan. We've featured him on our show before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, he's, he's a, look, he's got this aggressive, uh, persona, but he's actually a very sweet man to be around. A wonderful gentleman. Yeah, really enjoyed hanging out with him. Wonderful guy. So, I didn't know about this, this was just saying, in, but, so this woman's leading up to, I think, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She for sure bought a ticket to that, to ask him. Yeah, of course. Shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the only, I feel like, I think it's 97% of the scientists that are experts in the field agree about global warming, but he is the only person I've ever heard contest it with how come financial institutions


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well how come they're, like, you think they're gonna loan you something they're not gonna get back in a few years? That's actually not one that I've ever heard before, so I'll give them that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a white guy, so fuck white people, I don't like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our guest should be here momentarily, should we take a quick break? Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. And we'll be back in a moment. This is why- Alright, here we are, yeaah, we're back, we're on. We, uh, we're back with our guest, he's tall, he's white. Thin. He's thin, and he's here. Still weak chin. Fuck white people, okay? Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, we love you man, it's been way too long. Yeaah, I feel like, I mean, we started doing stand-up, three of us started, in LA did stand-up together, like, probably 15 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the first time I saw you, you didn't go up. You were visiting, you were visiting from Chicago. You had a blazer on. Um, yes. And it was at, uh, like maybe like a beige colored blazer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well in here too, I mean, I don't know if it's nationwide, but LA, anybody under 40 in a jacket, especially if they're dressed in a suit or something, you're like, oh, that's an agent, junior agent. It's so weird how they're always in suits, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, what are you doing with, uh, you know, your mailing list? And you're like, I don't know. They're like, you know, we have this program that can permeate someone's computer and read their fucking emails and we'll make yours good. And you're like, wait, what? I mean, I'm exaggerating obviously, but it's like crazy shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're in a good club, you know, they know they're like your support team. They're headquarters, but there's the clubs that are like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have one super intimidating looking guy. Yes. I don't understand why they don't. Like when they go like, this is security and it's a guy like half my size. I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Terrible. And even if you read 300 good ones, you'd find the two that hated you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who said it, but I think the more that I thought about it, I was like, they're right. Every man, every man thinks they're hilarious. Like if you get them at the right time, they're like, I'm pretty fucking funny. And so, and you know, some of them are, to be fair, some of them actually are really funny people, but some of them are not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just letting the grief out, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that's what I was saying is that it's great, the balance in the universe is that the earnest, sincere person exists, and they are actually helpful. It's good to have that non-cynical, like, earnest person, and then the balance is that the universe fills it with pieces of shit like us, who mock them, and some people enjoy that for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had said, he said when that horrible parkland shooting took place at that school, he's like, I would have gone in there unarmed. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. And like, he's like, fucking, I would have run into this. I'm crazy. Like where I heard an assault rifle going, I would have run into that fucking building. Bro, for real though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have, uh, some material that I think you would be able to, like, I'm not gonna use it, cause I don't do it, but I'll give it to you. And I'll be like, okay, cool, thanks. And they'll be like, so do you want it? If you want it, hit me up. And I'm like, no, I'm good. And then they'll follow up and they're like, it's fucking like primo material. And then I'll not respond and they'll write.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, I know she didn't respond, but I'm gonna share it with you anyways. And it'll be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple things I have to update on before I do this, uh, excuse me, this advertisement. Sure, bud. Uhm, first is that I got the message that added show in Montclair is happening Wednesday, November 14th. It is on sale this Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This Friday, TomSegura.com tour, we're adding a show in Montclair at the Wellmont.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, additionally, the bikes, socks, um, are on sale now. Yup. There they are. I want a pair of those. I will send you a pair of those. Thank you. And you can go and, uh, get them there at merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. Got them up on my Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a, uh, snore guard made. Okay. And the first one they made didn't work. Oh, I took it home and, um, you know, they take a mold of your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, I didn't know that. Yeah, and then I brought it into the dentist and he tried it on and he basically like under his breath was like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's like, uhm, he goes, we'll send you a new one. And I go, well, yeah, I mean, it's got to work, right? So anyways, they said the new one. You have any complaints?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a- It's in your mouth, right? It's a mouth, and it has bands, uh, the- the top de-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happens is the principle of the idea is, see snoring is caused by different things for different people. Most of the time, it's that someone's lower jaw actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drops down, and then obstructs the air passage. So the mouth guard with those bands, depending on how tight you make them, just keeps your lower jaw up. So you fall asleep and instead of your mouth dropping, it just stays up, stays forward. But what if you sleep, like with breathing your mouth when you sleep?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's, yeah, there's open and there's, yeah, there's air can pass through it. Okay. It's just like, keeps your, and then if you have like a really strong drop, you can make the band super tight in your mouth. It just looks cool. It looks sexy, right? You want to have a lot of guys that have their mouth guard in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But man, also you feel, cause when you're, you don't realize when you snore a lot, I didn't, that your sleep is super fucked up. You're always like dragging, like gosh. And ever since I started, I started wearing them years ago, this is a new one, always feel completely differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, I just want to jump over it. You started basically a new version of your podcast.


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[Assistant] Or you can see, you can see like, like kind of hallway, backstage, uh, bravado, like fake confidence. If it's someone who's like fucking, you should have seen my show Thursday or something. You're like, ah, this is going to be bad. Like that, that's, that's, if they're talking about another show, how well they did, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then what happened was, it'd be really funny, like you're seeing like a seven minute dose of this. And then next week you'd be like, I can't wait to see that guy again. And he would be like, he'd just drink like five whiskeys. And then he'd be like, about you, you fucking bitch.


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[Assistant] Jesus, just say what you, life is short. We found him last week. Yes. And we played this, those clips and we talked about it for a while. Turns out he's got other clips. No, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did this last week. Look, he ended it with a member with a big smile. See? Yep. Hey.


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[Assistant] Would you swallow him if he asked you? Nah, I would pay someone. I'd pay a Vegas professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not have predicted it, but that first video he is watching MSNBC. I did not think that was his lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. Here's the thing, I would like to encourage our audience to send him some pussy panty pics. See, now he's gonna get a ton. Yea, I would really hope, uh, I really hope they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like saying I'm not the best looking guy and I'll, I won't cheat on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's telling you ladies, you can send him pics, but not if you have your filthy tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a hat, you know? Yeah, okay. I mean, can I send you one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for naming it by the way. Sure. So now we can sell it as first great tongue replaces that dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Nessie, what would you rather have though? The make-you-come-guys teeth, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know anything about him. I just know that we've had now three or four times videos of him, this particular man, in different settings, singing, staying alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we are in the age where, no, but I'm saying you sell, people get huge careers because they look like they're hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, when Bobby Caldwell's, uh, uh, hit song, uhm. What You Won't Do For Love. What You Won't Do For Love came out, it came out, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was kind of a modern day, uhm, was that Blurred Lines? Yeah. I don't think it's his dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. Uhm, just so you know, babe, uh. The voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was told that this video, I haven't seen, we're supposed to watch it and decide who's out of line. There's two people, and I think they're in a Whole Foods. That's what I'm told, I haven't opened it yet, but let's see if we can agree or disagree that one of the two participants is out of line. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So I think it's, she's one of the participants and the guy. So she's saying, it seems like a reasonable start.


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[Assistant] She's like, hey, you shouldn't be blocking this. I don't know if this picks up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Even a necessary interruption? So wait, let's, I think it's about to get, I think it's gonna pick up the pace here. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's also a little too on top of it. Right? Like...


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[Assistant] I mean like he's not, it's not like she's like I'm trying to get into this space and you're blocking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I saw one too where a guy walked up to cops that were like on a scene somewhere, and he walks up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, can you stand, they're like, can you stand back? He's like, I don't have to do shit. Fuck you. And they're like looking at each other like, and then of course they see the camera. So they're like, he's just trying to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're trying to get like them to do something crazy to you? Yeaah. I dunno. That's stupid. Now this broad's looking for trouble. She is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she started to go, I wish this picked up more where she's talking to management.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, uh. You're insane. You're insane. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, she's being mommy to, you know what I mean? Right. Too many people that you need to be like, and also the approach, it's always about the, if she could be, if she said, excuse me, I don't know if you know this, but you're standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very childish. That's very great. How dare you. By the way, we were playing how obnoxious it is earlier when people have conversations on speakerphone in public for everyone.


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[Assistant] But I was telling her like, this guy's a complete fucking oblivious, like it doesn't give a shit. If you were like, why are you doing that? He'd be like, cause I'm on hold. What am I supposed to do? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only confrontation that I've had with the loud thing, cause I didn't say shit to this psycho, but at the airport gate, I saw somebody with a laptop on their lap, open, FaceTime calling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With that, so they're like, yeah, to Brazil. I know. And then you hear the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just walked in front and I go, how's it going? Like that? Nice! And the guy was like...


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[Assistant] Like looked at me like the fuck. Oh, you're my hero. How's it going? And he just was like, anyway, so we're going to get on the flight. So it just, he, I just was like, made it myself be known to him. Sure. I was like, you know, you should take your shirt off first. Everybody there. I mean, everybody at the gate was looking at this guy like you're crazy. You're a crazy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody emailed in, uh, loud, we've been talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While waiting in line at Rite Aid, a woman answers her phone, puts it on speakerphone, then hands it to her five-year-old daughter who is now walking around the store holding the phone while the mom yells across the store to talk to the person on the phone. It was in-fucking-sane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's for the talking public champs. Yeah, that's, that's, that is totally crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, by the way, probably a thousand messages and tweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't go off script. The other actors do. And what I do is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, here's the lines of the script. Well, here's what I'm going to say. And they're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, right? It's like, but could it be, could it be any crazier than they seriously appointed Steven Seagal, like a special representative, that now someone on the US side's gonna have to go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. All right. I'm going to talk to Seagal today about how we can better the US.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. It's all over. Here's one more, one more email. Uh, first I wanted to thank you guys for the weekly free funnies. Secondly, I would like to bring some awareness of how main mommy buns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his psychopathy has been beneficial to me. I used to love watching people hurt themselves just like Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Iraq, I'm seeing some pretty horrific stuff. I couldn't sit through it anymore. It has been over a decade of darkness for me and something has been missing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But ever since I started listening to the podcast, things have changed. Listening to the audio of people getting hurt desensitized me and I'm now enjoying watching my favorite content again. Thanks to Tommy for making life worthwhile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Advice from a dipshit with Matt Bronger. Thanks buddy. Uhm, make sure you check it out. He gave the number out earlier. Uhm, make sure you call it, leave a message, get advice from a real dipshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, make sure you call as well. Uhm, a reminder, the bike socks are at the store. I added a show in Montclair, New Jersey. It's on sale this Friday at the Wellmont. Go to TomSkuro.com. Christina's adding a show at the Gramercy in New York City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't wait to hear it, uh, by Billy and Drew. Anything else, Matt, before we go? Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta move into a new place. Uhm, always good to see you buddy. Thank you for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it sounded really peaceful and nice too. It's another fun thing to fall asleep to. Thank you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you should uh, you should apply for these jobs. You can speak Mexican fluently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the highest hopes that I can be of some use to kind of try to get people to have meaningful conversations and meaningful meetings where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, my wife Susan sitting behind us. She may yet come in. I'm just mostly excited that she gets to see the videos with me. Experience these things with me. Uh, she didn't, she didn't seem to understand the importance of the farts to you guys and the poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our kids at breakfast, our kids were visiting us this weekend. They all came around because my daughter's in town and they mentioned at breakfast, I told them I was coming over. They go, oh, I'm so excited. They talk about poo a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You don't understand, I used to have to get prostate biopsies regularly for my prostate cancer and I would sort of break into sweat just walking into the urologist office. This feels just like that. This feels exactly like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, let me just first say how happy I am to be here. Oh god, we're so happy. It's good to see you guys. And last time I was a little disoriented and it took me a while to figure out what the hell was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I feel like I, you know, I know you guys better and I've been out of your house. I've used your tushy toilet seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get Kroll over here to test these things because he says, you know, cleaning his mess is like trying to take peanut butter out of shag carpet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Tom, I'm just imagining, you know, you got, you got a lot of stuff going on up here. Yeah, it's a lot going on. Again, your Corolla, it's like trying to find Santa Claus's mouth down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, it's going to be clean because you've had the tushy thing. Can we wait till she's not pregnant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could make a case, you ready? Against it. Please. The case is that, you know, we got a homeless problem here in Los Angeles, and there's a lot of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying there's a lot of fecal contamination of our water. And that, you know, oral fecal transmission of disease could be really problematic for a pregnant lady. And so if you just happen to go by one of those encampments and volatilize norovirus, get into your nasal passage, that stuff is going to be... I stay away from those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know, but maybe I didn't get into deep enough last time, so maybe we had to go a little further. Okay. Which is that everybody's a little different when it comes to their farts, okay? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the deal. Some of it is from swallowed air. And some people are very prone to that. They swallow out air and it really gets through. But there's other people that it's the bacterial gas production. It's the nitrogenous, the splitting of nitrogen by the bacteria in the colon. And that's what gives the smell. But also some people produce the gas too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So some people, it's what they eat and what the bacterial sort of, the colonic sort of bacterial flora is doing, right? And, and what that, what that flora is doing, can it be affected by bulk and stuff? You got a lot of good bulk in your diet. You might be sort of quieting things down a little bit, but if your bowel is stirred and you give it the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it odd for me that I- Do you have to eat her ass, Bert, before you eat yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, do you really want to hear it? I do, yeah. Well, it's that the way we've evolved is males


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if you, eh, evolutionary biological sort of, uh, and evolutionary psychology sort of descriptions are sort of just so, right? Cause you can't really study them cause there's no way to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we tend to be more interested in fertility, fecundity and health. And so genetic, genetic, uh, you know, good genes. We're looking for good genes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And females also are looking for that and some, and sort of have a different relationship with guys that give them the good genes, but are mostly looking for guys that can provide resources and stability in an environment where, where a child could be brought on and, and thus the house the fart built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, the inability to stop the preoccupations, you see, it just rolls and it rolls and expands and expands. And there's kind of a psychotic process to it, right? She's, she doesn't even like sort of acknowledge that there's some problem here. Right. Uh, and, and then the obsessive compulsive quality to it and then the compulsive behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not connected. Yeah, not in this world. Yeah. And then they called it delusional. The news reporter just said that and she's right. This is a delusional person. So sometimes schizophrenia can have a certain amount of OCD type quality to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, I don't think you can see, you can't read a lot of books. Oh, I've discovered something called the uncanny valley. Have you heard of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So and, and she makes me think of that when I look at her, which is that when this comes out of the world of robotics. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was thinking about stigma and why it occurs, I'm doing some research on it, and I came upon the uncanny valley in the world of robotics and virtual reality as you make humanoid


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's call them robots. More and more and more lifelike. We like them, like them, like them, like them till they get really nearly human and then we're repulsed. We get what is called the uncanny valley where this uncanny repulsion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look at her. She's like, she's like, she looks like a human being, but there's something uncannily like, uh, disturbing. It's like, Oh man, but we should feel bad for her. Not just be disturbed. We should be like, honey, come, come with us. Come on now. Yeah. But we get this uncanny disgust and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's what we like the three stooges. That's male humor. We like to see people get hurt that don't really get hurt. You know, we got people who bang somebody on the head. If I took a mallet and banged you on the head and it wouldn't be just, oh, it would be, oh, we got to go to the hospital now and you might never be the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, oh no. What's happening? Okay, it's a parachuter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another layer to my experience here today. Which is sort of, like I'm watching myself a little more clearly. And I'm seeing that I'm laughing at things I should not be laughing at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Tom, to be fair, as I know you somewhat now, you're not interested in human behavior. You're interested in abnormal human behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I almost don't call that gossipy. It's sort of like you love tearing each other down. It's envy more than gossip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you just told a great story during his face chat, at least he sets it up right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh jeez. He's on our drugs. Oh, drugs!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The separation, the nonsensical, even some of the times that rhyming stuff, that weird, weird nonsensical rhyming. Do you see that a lot? Not a lot, but sometimes it makes me think, you know, but he's in real trouble. Keep going, I wanna see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, PCP will make you throw your clothes off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was severely manic psychotic, severely. And he was on the street corner screaming at everybody, his clothes off, masturbating. That's, as is the custom. Christina, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to hear a lot more about that. But first, this guy, there's a way he's sitting there that makes me think he might be lying on his stomach. And he said he hadn't had any sex in five years or something. Did he say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, who was I talking to? One of the radio shows, something I'm doing, we were interacting with somebody that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a little energy. I don't think so. It'd be hard to get that engine tuned down. So what kind of male illness did your mom have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that only recently you came to know that that's borderline disorder or did you always know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's surprising to me how few people really understand what that is. I was talking to somebody the other day, I'm like, no, no, that's borderline disorder. Oh no, it's very clear to me. People seem to understand narcissism, but they don't understand borderline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So they suck you in, they get you super close, they build you up and then they cut you down. So you're either, you're either all good or all bad at all times. And if you're all good, you're going to abandon. So they make you all bad and then they abandon you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm thinking, still thinking of stimulants. Stimulants. Maybe MDMA, maybe. MDMA. Ecstasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't say quite that lightly. Really? That's a, that's not a great happy person. That looks good. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's more of the compartmentalization of trauma, right? And so if somebody's a CEO is have a high probability of being narcissistic and all that narcissism is a response to trauma. And then when you've been traumatized and you're using this pseudo self to keep yourself pumped up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a part of yourself you leave behind that then gets serviced through reenactment of the trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And reenacting the trauma can be, you know, playful and fun and okay. It certainly doesn't fix the trauma. It doesn't help the trauma. And sometimes you're re-traumatized. It can make things worse, but it's all that compartmentalization of trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, he's sort of, uh, yeaah, he's sort of in it, right? I think that's true. He sort of looks like he's, like, never made it out to compartmentalize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I'm learning to read you guys, and there's two things that have very, very disturbed me. One is the impish smile, the corner of Tom's mouth that occasionally appears. And the other is Christina, when she's going, yes, then what, then what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause those are two different questions. Yeah, that's true, that's true. Uh, does not disturb me. Okay. Uh, I don't find it normal. Yeah. I find it maybe a little bit worrisome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, my first reaction every time is, oh my god, poor thing. What is she doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's rubbing blood. Now I don't believe, you know what? I don't believe her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? I think she's doing that for some, like, business. Like, to attract vampire. You know what I mean? Some people that are into that kind of fetish-y stuff. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's some, it's like either, it goes under either, hey I provide fetish services and here's one of them everybody come get me, or this is an artistic happening, you know, it's an artistic expression, or in her case it's a political movement thing, so it's just a political thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nonsense. Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, whatever. I don't know what her motivation is because I can't tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've just, I've discovered, I spent some time with millennials this week, uh, and two, two big shocking things jumped out at me. One, they do not use condoms. Zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zero. I was talking to the teen mom audience about 200 kids in there and I was like, Hey, we're talking about the rise in STIs. And I go, you know, it was safe sex and I could see their eyes kind of glaze over. I go, condom use? Nothing. I go, how many of you use condoms? I just raise your hand. Not one hand went up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to start Loveline up again. No kidding. Or up their Snapchat page or podcast or something. So that one jumped out of me. Wow. And then I've decided that millennials all have the Dunning-Kruger syndrome. What's that? Oh, I thought Christina would know that one immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dunny Krueger is essentially a cognitive distortion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you think you know more than you do. Uh, it's, or you think you're better than you are. It's what essentially gives people the ability to get up an American Idol and sing like crap and then say, I understand. It sounded great. It sounded great. That's Dunning-Kruger. It's actually a syndrome and, and people have varying degrees of this Dunning-Kruger phenomenon based on their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Essentially lack of real knowledge because they don't know how much they don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? It's like a lack of exposure to depth, and therefore they feel like they know everything, because they're exposed to the phone, they can find everything on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not having any experiential learning, they're just looking at a bunch of facts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're forgetting them, and they all think they know a lot more than they do. So it's Dunning-Kruger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's an opposite of Danny Krueger, or this, the converse of the Danny Krueger is the imposter effect. People that have large, tremendous amount of expertise often feel like an imposter. Yeah, most people in professions sort of go through at least a phase like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For now, I mean, they're getting resistance, you know, and syphilis is a, is a shanker that goes away and then comes back. And I'm surprised you don't have like nasty pictures like that for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's probably a good one because he, he was always sick, you know, forever. And then all of a sudden his neurological deterioration and what makes me absolutely insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does your audience know about your background in philosophy? Yea yea yea, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, is that people go, Oh, well his, his philosophy was so negative and so disturbing. It drove him crazy. Are you kidding me? There's never been a case of psychosis caused by philosophy or, or a belief system or a challenging problem of some type. It's like mental illness, illness, a brain disorder. So did you ever call our friends at PEL?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I'm having a stranger action. It's not as bad as it could have been. I thought he was going to lose his legs because that car rolled over him and that truck sort of metal hit him. He would have lost his legs. But the scream is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna guess, I don't know. But it feels like a gender issue, right? Like he's identifying with the mom and stuff and he wants to be that. Interesting. And I'm wondering if he's on hormones and maybe sort of making his way that way. And this is his sexual piece of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm thinking that looks a little substance-y. I mean, look at the glaze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Desperate. Yeah, that's the normal sadness I feel with your videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hard to tell. It's a rule out. That's right. We've got to get a toxicology and see what's in there and, uh, and see what he's like when he sobers up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just realized I could sit here and do this all day. I'm in a parallel universe. I'm like time doesn't move anymore. I'm going through some wormhole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you want to see if they got the long nipples? Don't you want to see that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And how do you, or even if they were going to shit on his face, he'd be like, no, he's like, ah, right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the sanitation around homelessness, I'm mortified what's going to happen this summer. And the city is not letting people suffer in the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there should accumulate on giant piles and then rats accumulate on those piles and we're going to have a big infectious disease problem this summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and I, I don't understand where that comes from. I had, we had a love line once. We had a woman that called and she was a, she was a servant for this kind of thing or whatever. She was a prostitute essentially. And she said we had a guy wanted that and she wouldn't do it. So he goes, okay, we at least put it in this Tupperware for me to take it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this sounds familiar. Oh yea, so she duked out for it. Yea, that was extraordinary. And she threw it. Extraordinary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. I gotta go. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta problem. I've got a little bowel. Here it comes. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's unbelievable. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My understanding is what came out of that episode where they questioned those two African American gentlemen that were in the Starbucks was now that everyone can use the bathroom under any circumstances in Starbucks. That's what I heard their new policy was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's got that downstairs crappy bathroom by the, by the supplies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't brush everyday. No, he brushes everyday, yes. His dentist seems a little bit, uh, lazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeah, no, that's, uh, that's, uh, airway obstruction you're hearing, all that sound. It is. Yeah, you guys seem to always give me some of your pulmonary problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh, interesting. That's a lifetime of cognitive impairment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's weird you guys, people would, you know, I practiced medicine long enough to have seen historical stuff come and go. And this business of, there was a, there was a women's thing for a while, for a long while, where a woman's identity was, I'm the woman with the cigarette and the martini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, that's what, that's who I am. That's how I liberate myself and I define myself. And when those women hit their late seventies and I was telling them to stop smoking, you would have thought I was telling them to like, give me your soul. Like they'd start shattered like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so that's possible. It's just a priapism is what he's getting really. Oh really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you suggest to somebody- No. Who's like- No, that is not a treatment for eczema. You shouldn't smoke meth. No, you should not smoke meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prypism is like a, is, is what my radio partners call clinical boner. Okay. It's like it gets extra firm and can come down and it can actually cut off its own blood supply. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. Okay. But certain medicines, certain substances can cause it. Even the PDE5s, you know, the Viagra's and that kind of stuff can cause it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's- Yeah, so some people get hypersexual and all that stuff in math. That happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm figuring he's diabetic and so to just summarize Tom, diabetics should smoke crack and those are the people that really benefit from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, in fact, they get the, the particularly with smoke cocaine and, and sometimes with meth, diabetics get horrible problems with, with these


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The die bags are especially prone to just severe medical problems from both. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Kidneys gone in short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're dehydrated from meth, right? And if you're sexually stimulated, your prostate will begin to produce a bit of fluid into the seminal vesicles. So it's probably just a little bit more than usual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm going back on my priapism thing. It may not be priapism that he had. It may just be his experience of math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's been in this room too long. You see what happens to people? That's why you get scared. My shame diminishes. I start participating with you guys. It really is a, oh Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, they're fans, they're, they're, they're gonna wear it proudly. See? But again, there's, there's always a dude behind that.


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[Assistant] Because, because, because, because if that was your idea, young lady, and you executed on your own, slow clap, slow clap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who put you up to that? Who put you up to that? And always, not 99%, no, one time there was not. There was one time there was not and we literally like befriended her and said, you can't leave us. We had nicknamed her and like, you know, we just kept her around because it was such, it was, it was a, you know, some, it was a unicorn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. Make it, it should be on demand by your viewers and listeners. Cause I'd come here every week if it were up to me. So you gotta, they have to want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd like to get into the anomalies, the medical weird and stuff. I think you guys would like that with me, because I think you don't know, you don't understand it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I could bring it to life for you, I think it would have its own little life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Medical weird stuff, STDs and weird, you know, weird, weird, not just weird behaviors, but weird medical stuff. You'd be amazed, the array. You'd be amazed. Not, you know, it doesn't have to even be as sad as so many of your videos that start out with me sad. It could be just intriguing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm immediately a fan of anybody named Skullvama. We had the fart barf. Did you ever see that band? Fart barf? Oh, you love them. They wear primate masks and you never see their faces and they're this sort of hardcore electronic fart barf.


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[Assistant] Worldstar, I didn't even put that together. So horrible.


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[Assistant] It's unbelievable. And then look at this! Look at this!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a video, it's just a still. I just gotta get your face for the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we, but we watched a special on Netflix, Secret Time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so silly. I mean, I've started watching it. I'm four episodes in. I love it. Arden Mirren's in it and she's fantastic. Uh, but you know, but, but it's not all bad. We've had Shane Bart and for a while we got him to slim down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was very useful, wouldn't you say it worked to your benefit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so there's, there's a handful of people who it's a medical thing. Sure, sure. But then for the rest of us who have weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just overeating. It's an addiction. Uhm, so why, you know what I'm saying? You know you're not supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not supposed to. But I'm saying that, so why don't we get into addiction shaming? Yet there are TV shows where we glorify shaming. Intervention for instance. Isn't that, then shouldn't we say, well we can't drug addict shame? Isn't that? It is a shaming. It's an addiction too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. So there are entire- and Hoarders, that's a show based on, uh, that's an addiction. And if you're su-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very overt, like they call you flakka if you're skinny, or gordo if you're fatty. And in Hungarian culture, same thing, they will fucking tell you to your face that you're fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like that right away. Same with Hungarians. I don't know what the stupid American thing is that we should love ourselves when we're unhealthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is an addiction, like any other addiction, like alcohol. It's like smoking too much. It's, why are we, we have no problem shaming smokers, how come there's no campaign, oh you're, you're shaming, you're cigarette shaming, or you're alcohol shaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so that addiction we're okay with because it's inherently bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we should feel bad though. But that's how you change is you feel bad and you say, I don't like how this looks. I don't like how this feels. And I want to live. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, Jean, oh guys, so Thanksgiving weekend. It's that Saturday when you guys are all sick of your family and you want to get the F out of the house. Come see me at the House of Blues in Mandiego, Califartna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, tickets are moving really fast. There's only a few left on that one. And then, uhm, December 7th in Philhar-Abdelphia, I will be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, the 8th of December, Jew Dark Titties, 8pm show is sold out, I've added a late show, a 10.30 show, tickets at Christina P online. Check it out, try it out, come in four strokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To stimulate the lactation, but a calf, a calf doesn't lick the mother's vagina to get milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got two jobs to choose from, okay? You're a member of the Dinka tribe. You're over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hydrogen, but that's too easy. You gotta get the cow urinating. What if it's just once an hour a cow pisses on you? Or you stimulate the organ, the sex organs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, once an hour. It's like, ding, timer goes off and you either get pissed on by the cow or you stimulate the sex with your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't put my mouth on a cow's filthy vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're sleeping in their huts or wherever they live. You're doing the dances and you're, you're licking the cow vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this is the thing is that I've noticed that you've been, you've, you're a connoisseur of the Starbucks in our neighborhood. You, you tried them all and this, this is your favorite place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's at a gas station too, and there's a line of cars that clutter up the gas station and the boulevard. It's a really bad place for a Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, but I'm saying that you go the extra mile and you park your car and often you make LJ and I wait in the truck while you go in and you get your cough, your, your diarrhea in a cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what they did is they outsourced their good employees to teach the shittier Starbucks how to be better. Right, and now we have shittier Starbucks. Now you're suffering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a bad idea. It was a bad idea. Here's the thing, if it's not LA, you know I don't care about it. So, no, it was a horrible idea. And then they took the good kids and put them in the gangbanger schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would they do that? Because it was an exchange program, right? They take the kids from the rougher neighborhoods, put them in the nicer ones, and vice versa, and it ended up being a huge disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is what I'm saying to Starbucks as a corporation, bad idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I agree. Yeah, you've got a winner's, uh, attitude. I love Starbucks, as you know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a barista in the summer of 1997 at the.


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[Assistant] I did the call, right? Yeah. Double tall, non-fat latte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't like to see you upset and you came back in the car and you were very upset about your level of service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you why I'm disappointed, and I-I-I agree with you, Starbucks, because they really do put a lot of priority into training their people to be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to be efficient and to be familiar with the products and to know everything. So I'm, I'm, I'm a little upset for you because I believe in Starbucks as a company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not, you're voicing your opinion on this show. You need to be talking to corporate headquarters right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, let me think. With Starbucks I am disappointed because as a former employee of theirs, I believe that they should have high standards. They're a great company and they do work really hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they closed down for sensitivity training a while back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I get annoyed too with long lines at coffee places because efficiency is key, definitely. And if you're waiting and waiting and you're like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get more annoyed with, uhm, airport slowness and airline inefficiency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get annoyed where it's like a late night or a late flight. You're on the last flight of the day and you're waiting and you're waiting and you're waiting. And then they go, Oh, the flights canceled because the crew, they timed out or something stupid. And you're like, wait a minute, what does this have to do with me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're displacing so many people by doing that, like, oh great, now I'm spending the night in fucking Detroit because you guys can't think two steps ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well they should pay for it because you bought a ticket for a specific service at a specific time. I know. And now you're displacing people with small children, guys like you, you may want to get back to your family, you don't want to spend the fucking night. Of course not.


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[Assistant] And they don't care. They don't fucking care. They have you by the balls. They have you hostage. You know, it's a bummer that Branson's airline didn't work out domestically. I think he's folding, right? But uhm, I think he, I don't think- I think they sold it. Oh, I mean, he did it great though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dignity. You mean treating the consumer like a, like a customer, like a valued. But I see the whole thing is fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a shit show now on the positive side, the cost of tickets has really not risen that much in the last 10 or 15 years. You can fly across the country for what, $450?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anyways, uhm, but that makes me crazy. Oh, you know what else makes me crazy? The inefficiency of show business. Like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ignore them. Well I'm talking about the actual monetary inefficiency of shoots and productions for instance. Oh that's another crazy thing. Like your call time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll be like, Tom, you gotta get here at 5 o'clock, uhm, on, in Santa Monica, so you're sitting in rush hour traffic, you're getting there, and then you sit in the trailer for 5 hours, cause they don't need you until 11pm, but you gotta be there at 5.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got like the, the unionized crew who's been there since five in the morning. I worked on a television show, I won't say who this is, but you've got the union guys who are putting together the sets, breaking shit down every night. They're there before anybody. They've not slept. They're there, they're making everything perfect, lighting, camera, and then the star doesn't show up because they decided they needed to sleep more that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone else waits for them. And it's acceptable, throwing money like out, it's crazy. Here's the other one that annoys me. Doctors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doctors are the only, it's the only business where you can just make people wait for fucking hours. Like how many, one time we went to go get a scan when I was pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But could you imagine if you or I showed up late to our jobs of entertaining hundreds of people? Some entertainers do. I think that's, it's so disrespectful, it makes me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lauren Hill. And then, um, Guns N' Roses, what's his name, Axl Rose, which show up hours late. Hours, like three and a half hours late. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ships in a bowl. What about a cat eating kibble? Can't find it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would play the cat eating cable too. Yeah, I know. Imagine the sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been very excited, we've been keeping it under our hat, so to speak, for a while. But Jean and I have sold a pilot to CBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're going to be writing a script for a sitcom with the fabulous Scott Martyr who, uh, worked on Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The Mick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he is working with us now to develop a show based on your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This show, all of a sudden. You're like, look, are we gonna do a guy coming in four strokes? Probably not on CBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, it's super exciting. And I, I just want, we want to clarify too. A lot of people think, oh, you guys gotta, when's your TV show on CBS? It's not that far yet. It's just a, a pilot script. So we're just writing it and then they have the option to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, uh, it's very exciting. And we were pitching it and I was like, oh, I was days away from my due date. And we were pitching it to all these networks and it was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm glad I didn't go into labor during those meetings because it was, it was imminent. It was so crazy. I literally could have gone into labor as we were doing those meetings. Not a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's where uhm, comics tend to thrive, is, is when there's a live studio audience, and I don't know, I like that tradition of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited. I'm excited to bring some of the stuff from your mom's house to a mainstream show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited to find out how much stuff we can actually sneak in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never thought I never, like I said, I never had that experience either and I've pitched many things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not in my whole career, in all this time. No one ever wants anything I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without you guys listening to us, we're just a couple of dickheads talking about farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I know, I know. I've watched this several times. It's burned into my brain. He's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, does that make that, but then does that disappoint you? Like, are you bummed that he's not super hurt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, see? You do like that. He's crippled, Tom. The guy's in a wheelchair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inethical to date a very attractive mentally challenged person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's Tom Hanks. I mean, at the end of the day, he's a leading man. He's a leading man on the track. Yeah, it is kind of messed up that Jenny ate Jenny. First of all, didn't, didn't, she had HIV, uh, oh, I guess she didn't give it to us for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is kind of a refreshing tw- it's a refreshing take on a movie that people really just did backflips for, but now that you say it that way, Jenny is kind of a selfish twat. I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then decided last minute, yeaah, I need to, I need to have a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. She took advantage of him and yeaah. You raise the kid now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, now I'm mad for Forrest cause I feel like he deserves better, dude. He deserves way better than Jani.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now one thing is weird and you guys are going to notice that his beard is so dark. They took the gray out of your beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your character's so funny, and they dress you like such a chochie, I love it. It's so funny to see you being a fucking dick character, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy is a legit, a 4am, cause I see what time he posts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, uhm, we should fitness shame him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Cray. Dude, he makes fitness every day like that, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck Jenny. Nah, nah, nah, I think about her. She's really a selfish bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, you know what, but that Billionaire Boys Club, that's a remake from the 80s. It is, and like I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why though, I think too, it's not in the zeitgeist. In the 80s, people wanted to see movies about kids being wealthy and shit dicks, and now it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reminds you of, of, you just not, it's not, maybe it's the time. It's, nobody wants to see that shit right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's from a Tourette Syndrome, uh, documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised he doesn't have a TLC show, you know when they, it's all fat people, like the fattest comedian alive. Follow him around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, is that, is that a man thing too? Do you have to pee while you- Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, I mean, we've discussed this before too, you pee, you shit, and then you've made more pee, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is that? Okay, I have a theory, I have a theory. Okay, maybe the bowel muscle, it's bigger than the, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when that muscle is relaxed, it's adjacent to your bladder, I don't know. I don't know, maybe everything relaxes down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he didn't know because he didn't look embarrassed. He thinks he just farted, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so glad he has a good house. His last house was pretty shitty for how much money that guy probably makes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I really love that you talk about Leanne. I love that. You talk about your girls. By the way, have you seen


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, we were talking about how when we all kind of started hanging out together, that we lived in proximity to each other. And at the time you just had Georgia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do every year and you have to go as a costume theme. I remember when you're and it's super creepy cause you're like, wait, it's couples then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, she's worth a lot, that's good. Two million, yea. Anyways, so, hey, she's dead. Tom and I like talk about this all the time. Who's the second wife? Probably a boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A real dumb dumb, like 25 years old, yoga instructor, never pushes back, never challenges him. Total dope. Just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, okay, but I see, I see him kind of with a party girl, like a, like a bleachy blonde party girl, like a girl from Arizona State.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got me nasty as hell. So tell me, how do I get rid of them? Do I have to have surgery or is there any other way to get rid of these things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't seen him in a while. He came out for you, Bert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We really do have very talented people who listen to the show. It's bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert, what's your favorite thing, what's your least favorite thing people say to you? Like, you know, uhm, like after they come up to you to show and they're like, good job. Instead of just being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was awesome. Like they'd be like, you're pretty good. You're pretty good. That, that one irritates me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you still, uh, clip your nails and then keep the clippings on a piece of scotch tape, keep taped under the table?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about your boogers? I remember you're, you're also, I'm, I am a vigorous nose picker as well. Yeah. Leanne was saying that you are, like, you're really aggressive with it too and you'd roll it and then leave it in the furniture. Yeah. Or you'd rub it on stuff. You flick a lot around that. You flicker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should all day. How many times a day have you been going lately?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, yeaah, it's my boy Bzzzt, and it was, it's solid. Yeaah. That's the weed I smoke only. Really? Yeaah. Exclusive. Yeaah. That first class Kana, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the first time I ran into you. It was right after I did Rogan's podcast. Wait a minute. That's not the first time though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they were with other Chicago guys. Maybe, maybe. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did it like three years ago. Okay, okay. Yeah. And I remember watching you guys on it and they asked you, Rogan goes, you know George Perez? And you were like, yeah, I know that comic book artist. And I laughed my ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I stopped gang banging. I have a son. But you know, you're still gang banging, but I'm not out there. I'm not looking for trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, everyone's gang banging. Yeah. Like, I don't even, I'm on the, I'm the captain of the football team and I'm gang banging. Really? Yeah, it's just like, I, back in those days nobody moved, so it's everybody from kindergarten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's all my friends, and then we decided to make our own gang, cause our family wouldn't let them be from their gang. They're like, you're not gonna be from this fucking gang. So we're like, alright, fuck it, we made our own. Really? Yeaah. We started as a party crew, and then we're like, you know what, we're going to parties and people are trying to beat us up. So my friend decides to bring a gun. And we're like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somewhere, and his bus broke down in Boyle Heights in East LA, and they're out there fixing the bus and all the cholo's came and he was like amused how everyone's hair was slicked back, they were all creased down, the women had roses and they made him food and they gave him heroin and he was like, I'm fucking staying here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Angel baby. Yeaah. Oldies and funk. But oldies were on because like the culture for a cholo is to love and protect your lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, yeah, it's kind of worse than the n-word. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Cause like, it's weird, I've always had this argument with my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom was like, I didn't come to America for you to be a fucking cholo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked for you to be a cholo and I was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why you putting this on me? Yeah, it's like fuck my bad, you know what I mean? But it is looked upon bad, but it's only looked upon bad because they seen it as we were bringing them down, not realizing cholas were created to protect the community. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because white people and blacks would come into our community and try to punk us and take what we had because they didn't want us there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Trollos made, they became the protectors, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it was a party crew and we're right next door to Santa Anna.


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[Assistant] Garden Grove, Orange, Fullerton, and it's like, activeness. There's a street that we cruise that's called Bristol, and I've seen people die there. Like at 14 years old, I've seen people get shot. And I fucking come back the next week because there's bomb ass chicks, there's everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yea bro, that was the lifestyle. And then boom, graduated high school, came a construction worker, did telemarketing, I did all kinds of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. Cause I'm just like, show up to work, you know, we have those comedic skills that we didn't know about. Right. So I didn't know back then, I was the guy at work that was like, kinda poor, so I had to make fun of you cause I knew you were gonna make fun of me. I had borrowed shoes on, this was my tools. So, fuck yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, no, twenty, I get my second baby's mom pregnant. We, we were good. I do construction and then we break up and I meet this other chick. And not that the girls I've been with are not educated, but I, I meet an educated chick. She's, uh, trying to get her masters in creative writing and she's like, eh, homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you know this, but you are a comedian and you don't even know this. Really? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom, I go to this one in, uh, Edwin, you know Edwin San Juan? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Edwin San Juan, I finally go to a real underground Latino comedy show. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. It's a Wednesday, there's 300 people, all gangsters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's weird because like, that was the last time I hit up people at a comedy club. I remember being there going to fools, eh, where you from, eh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here to watch comedy. Oh, my bad. Like, right, not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like- With the hat. Yeaah. He's like, hey, what's up, Doc? Yeah, what's up, Doc?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom is like a piñata. You gotta be blindfold before you hit it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Wilmer Valderrama spots me at the live factory Latino night cause I'm riffing on fools in the crowd. I don't have material yet. I'm trying to find material. So I'm riffing, you know? I don't even know set up timing, none of that shit yet. I'm new. They just threw me in this shit cause I'm quick. Right. So I do MTV your mama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and uhm, I'm winning, so I'm in like the last round now.


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[Assistant] I'm DJing at a strip club now, cause I'm doing comedy at night, so I DJ at a strip club in the daytime.


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[Assistant] It's a fucking Friday, 6 o'clock, I'm off work a half an hour. Out of nowhere, the fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Game unit comes in, kicks the doors down, at a fucking strip club. And I'm DJing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to dress like Dave Chappelle, remember I used to wear those ones on uh, Chappelle show? Yea yea. Like the jogger shit? Yea. And, and then like, they're like, where's George Perez? And I'm just sitting there going, what the fuck is going on? You're that startled by it? Yea. You're like, what? Yea, and then my manager's like, he's right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, cause it's kinda like, fuck, I do remember, like, yeaah, I remember, like, I wasn't gangbanging or nothing.


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[Assistant] A year and a half. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm still in the streets, but I'm not at the parties and stuff like that. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, it was weird though, cause before you, when you go to the county, you go to the county first. No, what happened? They take me and they interrogate me. Yeah, they're like, you're like, eh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see this guy, you beat him up. I beat this guy up at the park playing basketball. I kicked his fucking ass. Like kicked his ass. Like I won't, you see that scar right there? Yeaah. Yeaah. It's, it's, I kicked his fucking ass. This is, uh, from playing? Were you guys playing ball? Yeaah, we were playing ball and I'm real good at basketball. Real good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like body slamming, punching, all kinds of shit. Fucked him up. Fucked him up. Like so bad that people were like, just get in your car and get the hell out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's what I'm in here for and I'm just going, you know how you sit in your head thinking you know everything? Man, these motherfuckers don't got shit on me. This shit happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four years ago, maybe three years. Four years ago? Yeaah, yeaah. Yeaah. He didn't know who I was.


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[Assistant] And no one at the park was gonna say shit cause I was a bad motherfucker back then. They were like, hey homie, we don't know who did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, money talks and bullshit fuckin' walks. Somebody fuckin' came through. This was a rumor that I heard that some punk-ass boy I used to kick her with, that I used to, I boned his lady. You know how fuckin' guys are. He boned my lady fuckin', we should get locked up. Gives my name up. The guy sees me on TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Riverside. His sister's DA? Yea, Riverside. And it's not in mine, but you know, they got connections, they talk. Yea, of course. You know what I mean? So, you know, you, I mean, imagine you, you're the judge and you look it up and you're like, oh shit, this guy already has two gun possessions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was just like, so what's up? And they were like, well you're gonna go to the county and you gotta go to court. And you know my brothers, my family works, they got money but I never asked them for nothing, so I called my brother up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey dog, I need to get bailed out. I'm doing real good in my life right now. I'm not even done filming MTV Yo Mama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not even done, cause we were still gonna do season 3.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Yeah, it was, it was funny. I remember, I remember this cholo told me, hey homie, you got time for doing time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, fuck. So now I'm out of court and I'm fighting this shit. Now I, I lawyer it up. I'm fighting it and.