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[Assistant] November 30th. It is at the Pachanga Resort and Casino in Temecula, California. Presale starts today, Wednesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The code word is CHAMP, C-H-A-M-P. The general on sale will begin on Friday, but you can get those pre-sale tickets at the Pechanga Resort and Casino. Uhm, of course, next week I actually have another show that announces that launches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until then, there are a few things I need to point out. Let's see. New Orleans is all sold out. Uhm, few tickets left in the Boise second show. I would get it if you want to go.


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[Assistant] Sacramento's definitely not going to last. Fresno, Bakersfield, Fartmyers, Florida. That's the southwest part of Florida.


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[Assistant] Uh, that's the only place I'm going in that area. Next year, I'll be going back to Tampa and whatnot, but not this year. Uh, Jack Mealfill is moving along. We have a second show added. The first show sold out in Orlando.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there are shows in Augusta, Montclair, and uh, Fill Her Up Delphia. Those are all at TomSegura.com. Go to the tour page. Uh, Gene?


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[Assistant] Tour. Tour. Tour. Do you say tour? Tour? I don't say tour. I say tour. Tour. Is that wrong?


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[Assistant] Thank you to Dylan for sending in that instrumental. You can always get your instrumentals or songs considered for play by sending them to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the address, it's just Your Moms Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At gmail. What's up, Gene? Alright, well, there's a lot to cover, Gene. We gotta get into this show. Big show. Big show today. All kinds of things going on. Are you ready to get moving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an intense way to start off this guy. Well, first of all, let's give him credit. He knows if he wants to get on this show, be shirtless, uh, frame it up at an uncomfortably close way or just in an unflattering way.


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[Assistant] Before we continue on this, I always, you know, I wrote this down, I forget these things, that we are now, uhm, Blue Band just told me, the shows are gonna be, they're on, we're on Twitch now, you know, so people can check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can retit it, but here's the thing we're gonna start doing on Twitch. The episodes are going to start playing on Twitch two hours before YouTube drops.


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[Assistant] Your mom's house podcast. Every Tuesday around 9pm. That's two hours before the YouTube episode comes out.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know. Try it out. There you go.


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[Assistant] No, no. I've done a few. I have done a few. We've done the tried out guy. I've done that. I did, I had Burt shaving me. That was 10 years ago. It's a long time ago. No, I don't make a regular habit of it for sure. Yeaah. Oddly enough, you know who does nothing but shirtless stuff is Burt. Oh, I know. And then so do these people that are troubled.


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[Assistant] It's very insensitive. I also would say that maybe he gets a pass because he's saying it about himself.


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[Assistant] What a, hey, are you pregnant? I'm just full. Every week, somebody will message me like, Hey, uh, what's up with Christina? She looks bigger. You mean with the baby? Oh, she's pregnant. Hey dummies. Come on. Don't be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went by fast? It did in places. I feel like you've been pregnant for like eight years right now.


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[Assistant] Well, to think that when we were in Havati a year ago, you were pregnant. Well, you know, last year.


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[Assistant] This little thug's gonna come out in a few weeks.


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[Assistant] How many weeks are we gonna skip of the podcast? Really?


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[Assistant] I'm not trying to make him panic, I'm trying to be sensitive to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess you can just, you see him get off the train and you can go, Hey, shitbag. And he'll be like, that's me. And then, um, you gotta, I gotta take a piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe you just, I mean I think the thing to do would be to like, go into the men's room, usually men's rooms have multiple urinals, and you place him next to one, and you just piss in his mouth, and get the whole party started, which is kinda what he wants I think.


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[Assistant] Oh, the trauma. So he's recreating trauma, probably.


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[Assistant] Oh, I mean, I was watching this, uh, the staircase is what it's called. It is fucking unbelievable. It's basically, you know what it's exactly like, if you ever watch Dateline or one of those, uhm, you know, 48 hour mysteries, it's, it's an extended, uhm, version of that. It's an extended version of that. And so,


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[Assistant] I don't know how these producers got this type of access to something like this. It's really like I've never seen anything like it.


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[Assistant] In the prosecutor, the DA's office, they're with the defense attorneys, it's uhm, it's a lot, it's a lot. They get really involved and then you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hanging out, having dinner with his family, it's really one of the-


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[Assistant] Okay, I don't want to give away this entire thing, but there's one thing that I have to tell you is like, this is the premise for the whole thing, so I'm really not saying much by, by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that it starts is that this, this guy...


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[Assistant] And she likes, it's like the perfect marriage because I'm the type of person that if I'm going to bed first, which is once a year, I don't like to hear noise. I have to have a quiet room. Maybe I can hear like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like, alright babe, I click on the TV, pull up what I'm gonna watch, and as you're drifting off to sleep, you're basically getting ready to go to bed.


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[Assistant] The best part is that the exact exchange was that you hadn't been speaking here for a few minutes. And then it's silent. Okay, it's totally silent. And then I hear you.


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[Assistant] You can tell, I mean the way that I listen to that is like this is completely false.


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[Assistant] So the premise, by the way, you've learned this 8 minutes or whatever, 30 seconds into this whole series, is that this man found his wife at the bottom of the stairs, dead, but in a pool of blood and with blood spatter all over the walls, and he's like, she fell down the stairs.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm not an expert, but I don't know. Sure doesn't look like, like a fall down the stairs when you see the photo.


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[Assistant] I love the series. I'm like halfway through it. I didn't realize, I think this came out a while ago, and they added three new episodes. So, also making a murderer is gonna have a whole new season. Oh good, good.


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[Assistant] No, you go, so you're like talking to me and you're like, God, isn't this mess with your sleep? And I'm like, not at all. No. Zero.


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[Assistant] Anyways, I can't recommend this series enough. The Staircase on Netflix. I'm, uh, really into it. It's really good.


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[Assistant] Unprecedented access to a trial like this.


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[Assistant] It's an unbelievable story. His testimony, which is funny. It was a good part. It's an unbelievable story, but what you normally get in the news is, you know, you see maybe trial coverage on something.


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[Assistant] These cameras are home with the suspect, the guy on trial.


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[Assistant] Like, you see him having dinner with his family, talking about stuff. The defense attorney's planning out every possible defense. Everything that they think that the prosecutors will bring up.


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[Assistant] They have to know. They have to know this guy's a piece of shit. But they sell it hard that he's not. That's the gig.


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[Assistant] They're like, they go, they're going to bring up probably this other person that you knew that died under suspicious circumstances. We're just going to have to, you know, and he's going to be like, oh, he's like, oh, that's just terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six grand. I remember when I was dating you years ago and you were still like, yea, I'm paying off law school.


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[Assistant] Oh, another thing I don't want to forget. I did a lot of appearances last week.


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[Assistant] I did Hot Ones, which is coming out next week, so if you're listening to the show as it comes out, next week I'm on Hot Ones with Sean Evans, had a great time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the game and it was a really fun show to do.


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[Assistant] I shit later that day, twice, the next morning I had a real hot brown, and then later in the morning I had another hot brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, I dunno, we laughed a lot, we had a good time. That was great. I also, I also appeared on the H3H3 podcast. Etha and Hila Klein were so much fun. Trying to get them to come on. Your mom's house. That'd be great. Uh, I had a great time with them. I did their podcast number 69.


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[Assistant] Those two are hilarious and sweet. And then I also appeared on The Tomorrow Show with Kevin Undergaro.


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[Assistant] If you don't have your full fix of me, uhm, download or go to YouTube, go to the Tomorrow Show, go to the H3 Podcast, and like I said, in a week I'll be on Hot Ones. I just wanted to plug all those before I forget.


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[Assistant] Uhm, we were talking about tipping a massage therapist.


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[Assistant] Hey there mommies, I am actually a certified massage therapist. I was listening to your podcast.


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[Assistant] Body odor, however, is an entirely different issue. You don't shower before you go to get a massage and you are a trash human being.


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[Assistant] Farts dissipate quickly, body odor stays the entire fucking time, and it's horrible. Signed, Dylan.


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[Assistant] That's too much. I don't like it. I don't want to do it. I'm not going to keep farting during massage.


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[Assistant] They're just, basically they're like, you need to shit. That's what everyone is thinking. Right, you're upsetting people with the big farts. Totally. A big burp, you can do that at a party, you can do that at dinner, and everyone kinda laughs like, Jesus, that's gross, but I can stick around. A fart everyone wants to run away from you, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but here's the thing, they don't know that it doesn't smell. Everyone's gonna assume that it smells like shit right next to you. Everyone's gonna run away. You burp like that, it's still, it's funny. It's a, it's a good time. That is a good party trick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's not, I mean, I'd like to have superfarts all the time, but I think the burp one just, it has more mileage to it. It's more fun.


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[Assistant] No, the burps upset her more. Yea, they do. Why is that? I don't know. She finds it... I think she thinks a little bit that a fart is a little less


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I burped way- oh, I burped on hot ones. A big burp.


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[Assistant] Cause it was between, you know, wings and it was a big belch. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Brian was like, Jesus Christ, man. He goes, you're fucking burped in there, you're farting here. What's going on with you?


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[Assistant] Yes. That's right. And as we check in for the flights, there's a, there's another, the opposite side of the kiosk is another screen so people could be on either side of it.


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[Assistant] And I farted and it was loud. Really loud. And there was basically a guy behind the kiosk.


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[Assistant] And he leaned over like, I heard that. And I was like, that's what I'm doing this year.


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[Assistant] This year is the year of farts. Of farting and just owning it. Yeaah. Yeaah. Not hiding it.


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[Assistant] Dude, do you want to hear the fucking funniest prank call? Yes. This guy, I think it's Tony. Yeah, it's Tony. He, uh, I think he goes by DJ Skullvomit. He has this amazing, these amazing calls that he does with a soundboard. So.


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[Assistant] He said, my buddy Jake answered a house for rent as the try it out guy.


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[Assistant] That was such a, uh, like a Baltimore, Maryland.


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[Assistant] Uh, now, this'll be up on the page if you wanna see it.


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[Assistant] Alone, like on its own, it'll be its own upload, is a Try It Out Supercut.


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[Assistant] Really nice work. Nice job, Blue Band. Wow. That is the Try It Out Supercut, and he just never stops inspiring people, you know.


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[Assistant] That's, uh, Louis or Luis, uh, Ozzy, Siri, letting it rip for the Try Not Guy. So yeah, he never stops inspiring people.


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[Assistant] I know. A message looking for your feedback, I think.


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[Assistant] I've been doing his laundry for a couple years. I have witnessed his use of clean underwear steadily decline. Huh. He normally uses about six pairs every two weeks. I'm sorry?


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[Assistant] He thinks it's normal because he scrubs his butt hole using my expensive facial cleaner after each and every poop, sometimes even drawing blood.


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[Assistant] P.S. I'm going to be one of the five women who buys the four-stroke gang merch, literally convinced my friend to name his Mustang the four-stroke stang. Piss on me, beat me, ho a man out, Chelsea. First of all, I think you should weigh in on


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[Assistant] I don't know how anybody is down with, with, uh, I'm talking men, women, non-binaries. I feel like, yeah, if you're a homeless thug, whatever. I, I, I mean, that's the one thing, when I go on the road, I have a routine for packing.


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[Assistant] Basically bring double the amount of underwear that there are days.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's certain days where, you know, you arrive, let's say you shower, you switch out that underwear, new underwear. Cause you've been sitting on a plane, your balls are sweating, you've been farting all day. Yeah, you switch. If you go to the hotel, I mean, I always go to hotel gym.


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[Assistant] One pair of underwear for three days is so fucking foul.


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[Assistant] He's nasty, so I don't, I mean I don't think he does, but he was also like, if we were on a...


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[Assistant] Like if you're on a trip or something and you realize you didn't pack the underwear you need, I'm always someone who's like, well, where's the store? I'm gonna go buy them.


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[Assistant] My dad will flip his underwear inside out. It's so nasty, I think.


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[Assistant] That's funky, and I'm saying, it's summertime right now, doesn't he walk around in sweat? You know? Yea, just like ball sweat.


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[Assistant] It all depends on your upbringing and whether being foul is encouraged or not. Because there's a lot of dudes who are really hygienic and over the top with it. But I think it's, you know, they either have their own neuroses about it or they're raised that way. They're raised to believe that, you know, you gotta be really on top of the cleanliness. But if you're raised by people who,


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[Assistant] You know, encourage foul behavior. It's nasty too. You're just gonna grow into it. Yea, of course.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm hearing gross, but I definitely believe in showers and clean clothes.


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[Assistant] I've always been sloppy, but I always said I was sloppy, but not.


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[Assistant] Disgusting. I throw clothes on the ground, but I don't like hair in the sink. You know what I mean? I clean that stuff up.


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[Assistant] There you go. You peed. You're having a snack. You're pregnant.


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[Assistant] It's really the conditioning that's the craziest. I mean, all of it is a skill set, you know, the punching.


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[Assistant] The quickness, the uhm, the movements, anticipation, I mean it's a skill set, but the conditioning,


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[Assistant] Matches, bouts, and each minute is, each round is three minutes.


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[Assistant] I'll do, uh, sometimes we do these combinations where he'll do 30 seconds of each combination without a break for a minute and a half. And if you're, you're going, you know, high speed, you're building up and you're hitting it harder and harder. I mean, a minute and a half in, you're like, I'm feeling like I'm going to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I remember that. It's a lot. It's the conditioning. That's why you see those guys when they're in camp, they're just running miles and miles and miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was non-stop for me last week. I started to get messages like, hey man, what are you promoting? Are you doing a bunch of press? It just happened this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. And then you go, I'll do it this week. And then what happened was the other things just were added to it after I had committed to a few and I was like, well, I guess I'll just keep doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really, it affected me too. I mean, you know, also, he became one of those personalities that uhm, I kind of just took for granted as being there. Yeaah, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first of all, look, I just don't watch a lot of anything anymore, except for...


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[Assistant] It's like night time. Well, you know, it's time to, when it's time for me to watch something, it's 9.30 at night and it's usually a movie or a show, the scripted, you know, and I watch what I watch and then that's it. I don't have that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really don't watch that much TV, TV anymore. And you know, his shows on CNN. Uhm, but I've been, you know, a long time fan of Bourdain's. And for me, it started with Kitchen Confidential.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That book is amazing. And if you've never read it, and especially if you are already a fan of his and you just like, oh I never got around to reading it.


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[Assistant] It really, I mean I remember when that book was a best seller and I'm pretty much a skeptic on all forms of entertainment.


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[Assistant] Or Parts Unknown on CNN or any other things. You know, you realize that those voiceovers that he would do narrating the show.


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[Assistant] You're just watching it. You're like, you know, you might go like, wow, this guy is good at this. It's a whole other peak into his talent because he really wrote in such a poet. I mean, it's kind of book where it makes you want to go out to a restaurant that night. It makes you want to be a chef, makes you want to cook. And he had like that rock star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, he did, this is jumping around, but he did do speaking in an evening with Anthony Bourdain. He would do those tours where he would basically go out there and tell stories. And it's basically, he was basically doing stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anthony had like a little bit of an edge. A lot of edge. A lot of edge. But I'm saying he had a little bit of that, he had that thing where it's somebody you don't know, but you assume they would like you. If not, you go, I would talk to him and we would click. I would click with this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It struck me before when I would just watch the show and seeing him, um, you know, enjoy and drink a bunch of different types of alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nutty, but I'm saying that all the times where I saw him enjoying booze,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think back to the book and think back to being a heroin addict and that he was doing the self


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good, really nice way of uh, of saying his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm super bummed. It really bummed me out. Uhm, made me sad. You know, I mean, I know a lot of people were talking about, here's somebody that has it all. And you know, you see them just in, in the fast lane of success in life, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you're doing the show. Your way. You wanna do. You do the things. Yeah. You wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he gets, and he gets, and he gives his real opinion. I used to really love when I was watching No Reservations back in the day a lot. My favorite things were when he was, I think he was going to Greece one episode and he was, I want to say he was like a fucking hate lamb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved that. It wasn't always like, whatever anyone gives me, I'll always say something positive. He would tell you, like, fucking hate lamb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's cool. That, that was that thing where you knew that he was being himself and you knew he wasn't just doing that polite thing of, yeah, it's all good. Everything's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll be missed. He'll really be missed. I've thought about him a lot since that happened. Me too. You know, I feel like he's one of those guys you feel like you really feel like you knew him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And between all the shows and obviously it's kinda like we knew him the way, I don't know, like certain


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe listeners of this show know us. You tap into something and you get to know someone for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, uh, I've definitely had messages like that and I always encourage people to reach out. People reach out to me, I'm saying sometimes when they're like going through this depression, it's like always seek help, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know HBO is coming up with a new Robin Williams documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Robin was, yes. Robin was dealing with like a serious early onset illness. And the medication and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kaye Spade had suffered from depression for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, we just, I think we just didn't last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, let me switch it up with something that might cheer you up. Uhm, this is, uh, this is real, by the way. We're in, we're in the real news. Okay. Yeah. Check it out. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, if you want to know where the fans stand on this issue, the water champ hat that was in our store for me sold out, had to be reordered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm drinking a, uh, a venti iced coffee, extra ice, no sweetener, splash of whole milk, uh, it's mostly water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 63 years ago today, Christina was born. And it's important to note that it's been a wonderful life. I love you very much. I love you too. It's your born day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels weird knowing how much you've been in your forties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you keep being over 40, and I'm still like, what's it like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Maybe I'll do the big dinner. I like the big dinner thing. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I won't do that. I will, I don't know. You know, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really don't know. I like, so far I like the dinner idea. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta bring in the people you really liked out. See, that's the key to it. See, a party has too many, uhm, you know, fringe, kind of, on the outsiders, because it's a party. People always find their way, and you're like, I don't want this dude at my party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the dinner you can make it smaller, you can make it exactly who you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I know how much you love people screaming and how it makes you laugh. Uhm, this guy apparently goes all over the world. Coyote Peterson, I think is his name. And he likes to find like the most painful bites and stings and he films himself going through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think cause we know it's coming, I think the surprise would have been better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like if his friend had put the bug on his arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a funnier setup. Sure. Than him just being like, I'm gonna do this to myself. Right. I know. And then he really looked like he was in real pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See it's also, it's prolonged. On some of these things, like the guy jumping off the tow truck, it's quick. You know, it's just like, and then it's over. This is like, you're seeing someone suffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like if one of those guys is sleeping and they let that thing out in his room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would have been a good thing. Here's a double pipe classic loophole question. Oh, interesting. I was talking to my wife the other night about double pipe classics and I had an epiphany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Tom were to bit, to burp in Christina's how you say, asshole, and then Christina were to fart that burp out, would that technically be a dumb bioplastic? Just wondering, try it out. Love you mommies, JR.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're uh, definitely gross, and uhm, you're really using your time for good. But I don't think that works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody writes us, hey Jeans, recently I was giving my girlfriend a back rub. We had just had sex and we were still naked so I was sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On top of her butt with her bare butts touching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think much of it, but I had to fart and I ripped a loud one which ended up going directly into her butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was not a fan of the sensation of the wind and particles going into her rectum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a name for this? Are some people into this? Did I accidentally discover a new fart fetish? I just wanted some genes of pain on this. Sincerely, Zimzer. Uhm, well Zim, I think you are nasty as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sit on you and fart into your butthole. It's not, it's not what I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, are some people into it? I'm sure somebody out there is like, I love when somebody just farts on me, farts on my butt cheeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such another level of commitment to that. To fart into a funnel and put it in someone's asshole. I mean, that's not like an accidental thing that just happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the White House video? Did you see it? You did see it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, it's, it's so funny that this is actually real. Because when I saw it, I was like, there's no way this is real. And it is real. Here's the best part about this. For people that don't know, what I'm about to show you was played


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the journalists at the summit in Singapore after Trump and Kim Jong Un met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like nodding like, yea I wanna see some cool shit. And then Trump showed him this, and was like, what do you think? And then Kim Jong-un was probably like, which means like, he said that's some badass shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you that's not far off from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The crazy thing is, if you're the White House, you have to have access to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the best producers, editors you can reach. It was clearly made by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, corporate. Like this is corporate creativity. If, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just feels like there was, I don't know, like a shopping cart company would be like, hey we have a new shopping cart coming out. Can you guys make a video? This would be the type of video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, clearly this is, you know, you can see like the White House meeting and they're like, well, it's a fig trailer. You know, it's our destiny to have this come together. And he's like, that's it. Destiny Pictures presents. Like it's like a movie that's really going to happen. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But make it like super badass. Like all kinds of cool shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stock footage of the guy dunking? That's my favorite thing ever. Hey, can you get a guy to dunk in the video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you that don't know why this is absolutely fucking ba-nanas. You need to do a little bit of research into...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diplomacy and the way that, that it's approached, um, to create a fake movie trailer that you actually release to the general public and play for journalists and play for the isolated dictator of country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking crazy, man. It's crazy. This is, this is, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely not how things have been done, but you know, I guess we'll hold out our fingers crossed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like so dumb. Somebody was telling me like, doesn't this feel like, uh, it feels like Scientology videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I think that it's not just that video, it's the source of the video that's amazing and where the video was played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you start to go, it's so cringy, right? Yeah. Uuuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in a totally nonce, everything that you thought made sense. I mean, even the video being played, it's like, it's one of those, you know what the other, oh, before, the other cringey thing, fucking when people send, hey, I did stand up for the first time. Oh my god, don't do that. When you watch it, I'm like, fuck no. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another, here's a tip for you if you really want to get into standup. Don't post the first time you've done standup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible. If you think it's good, you're wrong. It's not good. You're not good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't post it. Don't post your stand up for a long time. Post it when it's been really like tested out. You've done it to a lot of audiences and then you go like, Hey, unless you're like, Oh, I just did it for a laugh. Like I did it for a, but if you're like, I'm pursuing stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe me when I tell you, you don't want that to be a representation of you. Think about standups that you really like and admire. What do you see of them? You see a finished product. You see something that they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're like, yeah, I've been uploading, uh, all my sets on YouTube if you want to watch them. I was like, dude, you shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. I don't like, I don't like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting a thought in your head that maybe changes another thought that you had that maybe was a good thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because I think it, but I still don't want to watch your awful video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know Gucci Berry? No. He's this, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I really discovered about myself just in this episode that I don't like when it's like planned out and anticipated as much. I like the accidental scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe, I won't know now, but I definitely don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much of my memory goes to having my balls kicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know that whoever gets hurt, first of all is okay with it? Yea, they want the same thing. And you also know he's gonna get somebody back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a bunch of stuff in the store right now. If you guys, uh, thank you for, for supporting the Try It Out Ball Hog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, what was the, oh, the four stroking, of course, multiple four stroking. There's shirts, there's a hat. The new thing is coming out next week. So stay tuned for that. I know what you're talking about. I showed you the prototype.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night, uhm, shows are on sale, they're on pre-sale. TomSegura.com, ChristinaPOnline.com. Is there anything else to mention, Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys for listening. Here is the closing song. It is, what is it? Gaping Dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here it is. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh, I saw you up there and you're really funny. What are you doing later? What's up? Uh, nothing. I left my panties in my car. Oh really? Let's go see if we can find those. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First day out, let's get it. First day out, I ain't playin' no motherfuckin' games. I'm back on that block, slippin' and slippin' that motherfuckin' cocaine. I'm bronze, silver, I got these gold chains around my neck and these diamonds in my ears. Speaking that Foo Foo Lane shit, I'll send some shots and make you fuckin' disappear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You already know my trademarks, I'm motherfuckin' trying to take my shit. Guess what bitch, you ain't nothing but a motherfuckin' trick. Lickin' shit off my motherfuckin' feet. I'm back, exactly. Y'all go ahead and tell a motherfuckin' friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Foo foo ass motherfuckers hating on me on my motherfucking page saying all this dumb ass bullshit ass shit. That's some shit I ain't do about some bitch on Dr. Phil man. Fuck that shit. I was in motherfucking prison nigga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it really doesn't comprehend that it's like a brain thing and he really does need to do this to feel whole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I just got into Evil Genius. Oh, it's great. Okay, so you're into that one? It's great. Yes. I'm excited. I think it's like, I like murder shows and I like gangster shows, I think for the same reason. Because I secretly want to be a gangster and a murderer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like extended family, but like just those extended family that whenever their name pops up on your phone, you're like, oh, I'm about to be miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it cost me a few days off my life, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just because of the stress and all that, and you know, and it's never just a simple fix. It's never just like, hey, uh, I know you have AAA, I don't have AAA, can you call AAA and get AAA? It's more like, hey, I'm at a pri- I'm in a prison. In Morocco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you can afford to go to Morocco. I got here. Long story. Uh, you know, it's like, can you go to the State Department? And it's like this huge thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like she's a good person, and whenever a crazy family or friends calls up, she's like trying to be very, she's trying to be very helpful, she's gonna solve the problems, and I just, I finally had to like sit her down and be like, no, you can just not do that. She's like, yeah, but then they'll not like me, I'm like, they already don't like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're already just calling you up to use you for because they know that you're the helpful one. So just don't be the helpful one. That's why I'm so envious of some of the members of my family that are just complete fuck-ups. Because it's like no one would ever call them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one would ever call him and be like, hey, uh, you've been in jail three times in and out of various, uh, rehabs and you may have killed someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're collecting your shit. You're just like, I can't, I, because they don't have children, they're like, I created this shit in my body and I can't get rid of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, sometimes that's the only solution, is you just come in with a blowtorch and a bulldozer, and you just like, cause what are you saving? What's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, they should just have a- because like, all those shows are like on either the Learning Channel or Discovery Channel or something. They should just have a Schadenfreude channel. That's all the fucked up people in this world where we can go and go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like the whole age gap love thing, I, I was once, the youngest woman I ever dated was 20 years old and I was 29. And I dated her for like two dates and I ended it when she didn't know who Johnny Cash was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, literally didn't know- I'm like, you know there was a Walk the Line movie, I'm not even expecting you to start- That's true. Yeah, like, she's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my friend just took his daughter to the dentist and she had 16 cavities. 16. And I'm like, what? How does that even?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that, isn't that amazing? Uh, I once saw a doctor that was supposedly like a specialist for dwarves, cause we, uh, little people often have like respiratory problems, it's just kinda, we're like pugs. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't breathe. Uh, so, I, I, I wouldn't see this doctor, and he goes, like he, and this is back when I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10. And he goes like, oh, you have like, severe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like respiratory problems like we need to like prep you for surgery like in the next two weeks or else you could die like in your sleep. And he's saying this to my mom. And my mom's like freaking out and she calls my dad and my dad's like, hold on, I got a friend, one second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go, we go and we see the friend who's also an ear, nose, and throat doctor. And he just looks and goes, You're, you're, you're fine. I don't know what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like we were like prepped for surgery like the next week and it's like, what would he have done? Just cut my throat and look in and go, meh, we're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this was basically between the ages of 8 and 12. I had a lot of dental trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is common? Uh, not for dwarves, just for me. But if you look at my dad's mouth, you're like, yeah, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Why would I do anything? It's all for these dick touches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cause like, alright, cause I'm trying to think of like, not Force Gump, but, but, uh, not Slingblade, what was, uh, what's her name? She did, uh, the movie was called The Other Sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but once you get to the point where it's like, uh, where it's like drool once for yes, like, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I, I, I think Jenny was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, there, there's a spectrum, and where are you on that spectrum? And, uh, like I said, if it's, if, if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, I get that, alright, when John Wayne was playing Genghis Khan,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fucked up, alright, when he was like, uh, we're gonna go over there and get some Mongols. Like, yea, alright, that's, that's wrong. When, uh, was, was, was it Mickey Rooney or Andy Rooney? I think, Mickey Rooney?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the Rooney guys, he played a Chinese person in, I think it was 16 candles? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called acting. You're playing someone you're not. So now, like, are we only allowed to have people that are like, oh, well, he's an accountant. Well, you can't get a fake accountant. Right. How dare you not use an actual accountant? There's real accountants out there that can use that part. No, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he, he, he, it's like, and some people are like, well, what, you couldn't find an actor who actually has one leg? Maybe not. No. Yeah, but not The Rock? Right. The Rock is the most bankable movie star on the planet right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a person, and like, I'll say this from my perspective, okay? Because yeaah, there's been times when, uh, alright, the guy who played the dwarf in the Lord of the Rings, not a dwarf, all the dwarves in Snow White and Huntsman, not dwarves, alright? They got, uh, you know, they did on the very, the most recent Willy Wonka the Chocolate Factory, the one with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Johnny Depp. Deep Roy is a dwarf, but they just cloned him a bunch of times, rather than using other dwarf actors. It's like, yea, I would have an opportunity to be mad about that, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you told me right now that like, Chris Hemsworth was playing a dwarf, I'd be like, awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great representation for my people. So like, The Rock, it's like, yeah, if I wanted a representation of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, people with prosthetics, who wouldn't want to go for the rock? Because the, uh, because the people who are missing limbs, the only famous one we know about you right now is Oscar Pistorius. He killed his wife. Or his girlfriend or whatever the fuck. So that's, that's what we have, that's in our minds about you. So why not, why not fucking rock?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, but right now there's some sort of weird group mentality where if you aren't offended by something, you feel like you're not included. You're like, oh my god, I'm not part of the cool kids. All the cool kids are getting mad about this thing. I should be mad about this thing. Or you're searching for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your thing, whatever that is, and it's like, just, or you could have a coconut smile and shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fan and this is the thing that uh, when someone takes this next statement out of context, this will end my career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because then it's like, oh, you're racist. You suck. I should avoid you. That's right. So like yea, wear your clan robes everywhere. So I can be like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not talking to you. Exactly. The worst is when you talk with someone and you gel with someone and you're friends with someone and you're like, oh my god, this is a great person. And then they slip in the comment where they're like, yeah, I mean, it's great that we get to hang out here, but this place really got into shit since they started letting the blacks in. That's when you go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the point. Yeah! Do that! You don't like it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like their type of dwarfism is like like fucked up or like they they shouldn't receive the benefits of certain things because they're because they're a Healthier dwarf like that. So it's like oh we need like we need


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need funding, we need attention because we're so fucked up. He has hypochondroplasia, uh, he's not very fucked up, so he shouldn't get anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you have to be like, out of all, you know, we got vets that can't get the correct mental healthcare, we got, uh, racist things going on, we've got genocides going on in other parts of the world, and you're like, ehh, I think artificially inseminating cows, that's my hill, that's what I'm dying on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I would love for these protestors to hang out with someone like the Black Lives Matter protestors and just compare stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or anything else. Just like, oh, you're here because you want more funding for cystic fibrosis? That's nice. You wanna know what they're doing to cows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and here's who I, here's one of the people who I blame in these situations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the boyfriend or spouse, uh, whoever, of these women. Who, when, cause if my wife came to me and said, oh, I'm gonna go protest it, I'd be like, oh, like, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you protesting? Did you know that they're artificially inseminating cows, and that's rape? And they- I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not going outside today. You're, you're, no. Just stay in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just Netflix and chill today. Let's go get some cookies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's literally, that's literally why you have a spouse. To where they can check you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife has checked me many times. I'm like, you're not wearing that. That's dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's bare minimum, not like a belief system where it's like, yeah, I'm gonna spend a gorgeous day in Venice protesting the artificial insemination of cows. Yelling at a vegan cafe. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legitimately. And people are like, ah yeaah, but... Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a bad lay. It's weird what you're choosing to take down. Yeaah. It's so arbitrary. And that's what I mean. There's many legitimate, horrific things that are happening in this world that we should shine a spotlight on and should work to fix. And then there's this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't matter. Why? Because Kobe could still make a, make a three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is, when I see this, that's when I'm like, yeah, Minority Report had it right. We should just be sending the van to his house and be like, yeah, we're picking you up. I haven't done anything. You will. You're gonna. You will. You're gonna do some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, absolutely. I just walk up to him and go, I'll make it come. I'll make it come a lot before I go boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Older, younger, whatever. I hope older, because looking at him, you're like, yeaah yeaah, you don't deserve...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, alright, but then at the same time we say it can't work, but then there's women that date serial killers. That's true. You know what I mean? So it's like, there's nothing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll, we'll find out that he, that he married one of the, my 600 pound life women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want a woman to sit on my face. Challenge accepted. Let's see if you come out of this one alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's a chihuahua, so it would be hilarious. So you can do it as a joke. There you go. Cause it's not gonna be like, it's not, like, if I, like I have a 70 pound pitbull. You do? Yeah, so if I said like, attack, like I could legitimately like terrify someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Not at all, he's the sweetest thing ever. So like, he would never do it, but like, now I'm tempted to just like walk up to people and like, Diego, kill! You know, and then like, have someone like freak the fuck out, cause you would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the best. He's just, I mean granted, it's me, so he's massive to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they, uh, they found him chained to a church in Compton. Ha, my dog's dog life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's rad. But he's, he's the sweetest dog, and like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel weird telling these stories because I know Bill Burr had that bit where it's like his wife got the dog also got a pit bull while he was out and then he was nervous like coming home to the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, so I had to come home to the dog like, really scared, cause I'm like, I'm walking. So I had like, my wife come out with the dog on a leash, and like, meet me outside the house, and then I walk with the dog, and then I walk the dog into the house, so it's like, I, I'm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a dude, right? I'm fuckin' alpha. And then, uh, the dog immediately got, got in the house, just turned around and then jumped on me and started like, licking my face. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pit Boss, yeah. You were on Pit Boss? Yeah, I did a roast of Shorty Rossi. Oh wow. Yeah. Funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something about he likes pitbulls because his head looks like a pitbull testicle. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a joke in my act that different races respond to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm essentially gonna do my joke, but at the same time, it's real. Yeah, it's real, okay. So, uh, white people are very like, when their kid stares at me, it's, it's like, he's, the kid's curious, the parent is horrified. Right. It's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they like grab the kid's head and like turp violently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello sir, this is my son. He's not quite sure why you're smaller, but I wanted to come and say hi to you so he knows that you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you see how that person has blonde hair, you see how that person has black hair, you see how that person has no hair? Yea, some people are really tall, some people are really short, that's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and that's all you need to tell kids, is like, essentially the truth. And they go, oh yeaah. Yeaah, alright. And then, cause that's what they want, they want the truth, they want to learn. Yeaah. They want you to get some fantasy stories. So yeaah, the wha, the, the, the white parents are always more like, ah, ah, he ate gluten! You know, like, and they, they like freak out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Mexicans and Latinos in general say shit, but in Spanish, cause they see that I'm obviously a gringo, and uh, so they say shit, but it's like, I know all the words for dwarf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just like, yes! Awesome! Good for you! Dad's right behind him. Yeah, what the hell is wrong with you? I got questions. Hey, Matt!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, like, that's when someone like, does like a real basic heckle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a great show. Cause like you look back at that show, you're like, oh, those are all like, yeah, back at that time we weren't, but in terms of like, they talk about like the, uh, draft class, the quarterback class of 1983 with like Jim Kelly, John Elway, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's that, it's that kind of thing where you're like, oh, all these guys like, went on to do like, fuckin' amazing things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you don't have to keep reminding us that. He's like, yeah, this is Brad Show. Motherfucker, I know. You're like, so you're gonna pass the ball to Kobe, right? Like, you're gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like, the leprechaun thing's pretty constant, uh, now, uh, now that I'm married, there, we, we get questions a lot, like, strangers just walk up to me and my wife, cause my wife's not a dwarf. Hey, let me ask you something, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they've got questions, like, uh, like everyone wants to know how we met. Like, everyone's just like, uh, how, hm, how'd that happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's fucking rude. Yeaah. Cause it's like, I know what they're thinking. They're like, alright. Someone ordered someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just like, this is a weird, yeah, so, and then, then I have to tell them and that freaks them out even more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met my wife, this is a 100% true story, I was doing a radio gig in San Francisco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know anyone there. I was living in San Francisco. And... You were living there? Yea. I was living there. When did you live there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very briefly, I got this rai- I did like four years in a row where I did 48 weeks on the road. I was burned out. Someone said like, hey, there's this radio gig in San Francisco, do you want to be a morning show guy? I was like, yeah, what's the money? Good, awesome, I'll take it. So I did it just to get off the road. So to start,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With this show, I knew no one in San Francisco. So we played this game on the show called Tinder or Grindr. Where I would flip a coin and based on what it would land on, I would go on either a Tinder date or a Grindr date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets better. So then I did, it did land on a Grindr date one time and I did go on one Grindr date with a lovely, uh, redhead, uh, that we, that he insisted that we just call him Ginger Bear. I never got his real name. Uh, and he was amazing. He was the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, then a listener called in and said, okay, you guys do Tinder or Grindr, but have you ever heard of this other app called Thrinder? And we're like, what the hell is Thrinder? And they said, oh, it's Tinder for threesomes. And I'm like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously I should get on that. What? That's an app I should be on. Say it again? Uh, Tinder. It's not called Tinder anymore, or, or, it's not called Thrinder anymore, cause Tinder sued them. Oh, right. So now it's called Field, F-E-E-L-D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so yeaah, that's what the name of the app is. And, uh, so I go, yeaah, I'll go on this Thrinder app, that sounds great. And, uh, I matched- Just for threesomes. Yeaah. And, well, you can go on and match with two singles, you can go on as a couple, match with a single. Oh, I gotcha. Go on as a single, match with a couple. Or you can match with another single and be like, okay, so we gel, so now let's go find the third.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I go on with the single, like, let's just, baby steps, let's try to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went on the app, and uh, I matched with a single woman, and we were like, alright, cool, let's meet and make sure we're not psychos. And we met, and we weren't psychos, but we were on that app strictly just for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just hook up. It's a, it's a sex app. And then at the end of the first date, we're like, we, we, we can't hook up cause this, there was like something here. There was a connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two years after that, two years after that I proposed to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so when people say like, Brad, why are you like, why'd you settle down? It's just like, cause I found a hot Chinese woman that likes three ways. What was I waiting for? Like, what's where you're like, I'm gonna hold off for something better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm there in San Francisco. I lasted about, not, like four months on the radio show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even the mornings. The worst part is that when you're done with the show, you sit down in a meeting after the show and some guy who has worked his way up to be program director tells you how to be funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the part where I was literally like, I know. I can't do this. I can't have someone who's never been funny in their lives tell me how to be funny. Cause at that time I was 12 years in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, and it was, it was the morning show. It was 6am to 10am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, from 6am to 10am was great. Oh, you did have fun doing it. On the show was fantastic. That was a lot of fun. Did a lot of fun bits. The people that were on the show were, uh, were really talented. And that part was amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's just every other part that sucked. Like, afterward, and then finally getting out of all the meetings and show prep at like three o'clock, and now you're like, well, it's three o'clock, I have about two hours to do something, and then I have to go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the program director is God. Okay, well then that's just testing work. Yeah, and that's why I was like, no, I can't, I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we had great reaction on like, the phone lines, people would be calling up, be like, this is amazing, this is great, we haven't heard anything like this before, and then, like, yeah, that didn't work, that's not, that's not what you do in radio, it's like, that's a dying medium, so maybe let's not do what is done in radio. Well yeah, how about, that's not what you fucking do on the radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that show is basically the plot of The Hangover 2. Where they're like, this can't happen twice. It's weakened at Bernie's too. It's every horrible sequel where they're like the unbelievable situation that made the first one amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. That's definitely, like, I don't- I like that you're on board. No, I don't, like, it's weird because there's certain things when


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's how you know a movie villain is a good villain. When it's wrong what they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in your head you go, I totally get it. I totally understand it. So like, when Thanos wants to kill half the universe and say, dude, we're fucked up, there's too many people, and not all of them are good, and we just have to wipe, we have to kill half the people, of course that's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anybody. Wow. So yeah, and like, so yeah, that's obviously something that should not happen. You should fight to make sure that doesn't happen. But at the same time, if you're one of the ones that stays, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, we, uh, we went to, uh, my wife and I went to a movie, and three rows ahead of us, there was a guy, like, on an iPad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, no headphones, and like listening to videos while a movie's going on. While the movie's on? While the movie's on, not during the previews, just movies on, and he busts out the iPad, like- No one said anything? No, my wife threw a quarter at him. And nailed it. Good for her. No, nailed it. Good girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but at the same time, uh, he just got up and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was expecting that to go horribly wrong, like the sheriff looks at your dad and goes like, eh, you're crazy, you're going. Oh, no, no, no. You know? That's awesome. See, like, yeaah. That's when I just think, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I literally think that we should develop, uh, birth control in a spray. Where when you see that, you should just be like, ehh, that can't, psst, and just take that, not permanent, it's like, it's like a two week birth control. I like that. Where it's just like, alright, you, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine if, if, if you're like on the brink of like, they're coming to you and like saying like, hey, uhm, your husband, uhm, do we pull the plug or not? Like he's not, and all, all you hear. Sausage and noodles! It's in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The husband will wake up and be like, yea, kill me. Yea, yea, yea. I don't live in that world. See, like, if I, like, to back to your Starbucks example, if someone calls me and I'm in a Starbucks, I'll leave the Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like just go into my corner or whatever and like be- I'm so like hyper sensitive to like how my shit could ruin someone else's day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's the, uh, here's the- I'm- I'm mad- I'm mad about the setup question. I know. Where Oprah just goes, how has she enhanced your life? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's solid. I, I just hate those, like, when you're giving an interview and those softball questions. That's the worst. So is your wife...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Post office by my house has, I went there to mail a package and then they went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do I know you from somewhere? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, that's the worst win, cause then, and it's the worst for the other guy, I feel bad for the other guy, cause he's like, probably the funny guy around the office, and it's probably good, and yeaah, and then I'm the professional funny guy, and now he's under pressure, like, uh, shit, I gotta be funny right now, like, we're professional comedians and we don't like it when someone says be funny right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well first of all that is Steven Seagal. Yeah. Uh, with a tiny face and a fat head, which is pretty much how he looks now. That is pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, it- Just go for it. This is a word that I don't think I'm allowed to say, but I think it's trying to get me to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a word for gay people that's kinda derogatory?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so it's like, get rid of the words I'm not supposed to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Does that, does that reveal a lot of hatred in my eyes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a T. R-T-D. Yeah. I thought it was R-I. I'm an idiot. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I saw and- That's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can say that I- This was just submitted to us. Sure. So is that something that, is that like the new Obama hope poster?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Looks like he's been enhancing his relationship to tacos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's one of those guys where I'm sure he uses like shoe polish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there, is there like a remix to that? Cause she was rhymin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can drop a sick beat. Yeah, I just said the word sick beat. I'm over 30. Uh, and make that one of those, like, viral remixes or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my podcast, uh, is the About Last Night podcast. Uh, our guest this week is Steve-o, but yea, if you go back. With Adam Ray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, with the fantastic Adam Ray, uh, we've had Sandra Bullock on, we've had Melissa McCarthy on, we've had, uh, Bill Burr, Jim Jefferies, we have not had Tom Sigurra and Christina P and that. I have been on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, I have Fun Size and Daddy Issues, which are either on the Showtime Anytime app or, uh, now on Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime is an easy way to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so it'll be, uh, this weekend I am at, uh, Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. Then I'm at the Ontario Improv the following weekend, uh, I'm booked through 2019.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just thinking about forgiveness and it's been a deep journey for me because I've had to look into the shadows of my own heart


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, uh, MC tight jeans. Uh, back in the day, that was during the, when we really kicked off the, who is fat, bird is fat, why are you so fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, uhm, and for those of you wondering, like, how did you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cause I got a screener. How did I get a screener? I'm a Hollywood movie star. I'm a television star. I'm a podcast star. I'm an international comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh great, and then there are like, uh, people, uhm, wanting it to be taken down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hundred percent. Yeah. And by the way, it hasn't really slowed down as much as you think it would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm totally on board with fat shaming. I, a full endorser. First of all, I've experienced it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shame myself constantly. I don't believe in loving myself at my fattest. I don't believe in accepting myself at my fattest. And I don't want to accept you at your fattest either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I know there's people who are like, it's horrible to do that. I think it's horrible to be as fat as you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know you're not supposed to be that fat. You're not supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're super happy and you're very fat,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to take, I mean like, I'm fat now. You're not fat. Well, I'm saying, I'm actively still trying to lose weight. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At my absolute fattest, if you had asked me like, uhm, are you okay with your weight? Maybe. I don't know if publicly I would have been like, yeah, fine. If I would have had that lie going to myself. I know that privately I definitely wouldn't have. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's tough to accept the fat shaming at first, but then you're like, you know what, I need to hear this. I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I go, when I used to go to Peru, like much more often, like you literally walk off the plane and you're seeing a relative you haven't seen in maybe two or three years, and you'd give them a hug and it's just big celebratory, you know, it's an affectionate culture. You give them a big hug, kiss, oh my god, and they're like, it's Tespi and Gordo, and they would tell you right away, you look pretty fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it, dude. And you're like, I just got here. Like, you're ruining my whole fucking trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it is. The problem is, there's so many people that are overweight, and there's such an overeating, bad food, like culture that we live in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in brass balls beach, it's all sold out this weekend. Thank you everybody for, uh, getting those tickets. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm trying to see what's coming up after that. Uh, Chart Lake Titties, that's all sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are, what, 60 tickets left to the Late Show in Eugene? Poojean. Poojeans? Poojeans? Boys Seed Idaho is all sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tickets at the second show added in fall Sacramento.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Fresno, Farno, California, Bakersfield, those are in October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fart Myers, Jack Meaw Phil, and the second show in Orlando, the second show, only has one, two, three hundred tickets left. That's November 3rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ThompsonGurl.com slash tour. I gave people a heads up, I'll remind you again, that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to my website and you go to the tour page and you see that prompt that pops up and you put in your email address, you will receive notification of something before the rest of the public does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, I can only tell you that much right now, but go there, throw your email in, and you will get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's always got some good stuff. Zrrr. Alright Gene, this is a huge episode. We're gonna have our great friend, BurntCriffler, here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't Chrysler's gonna be here? There's so much to go over. Big news too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big news to share, all kinds of things to talk about. Let's get into it, Jean. Bag of chips. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it seems like, it simulates the sexual organ, and that's what does it, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that was such an enormous, like it's such a huge amount of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I'm not into as much the getting urinated on by the cow and like buckets of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that uh, that Odell Beckham Jr. look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that big of a deal. Okay. I think I would do it and have no problem with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I mean, you realize that you're covered in, like for me, I'm like, and then I'm back to doing what I do. You're just drenched in cow piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My Starbucks service is going down, downhill. My local, my A1 Starbucks. I've noticed some turnover. I've noticed some of the higher performers are gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have great customer service. They're on top of it. They're just, yeah, it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one, nah, I mean the drive through one is chaos. It's at an exit for the one on one. Yeah, it's chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've noticed it, like, there was a couple, like, really great employees there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, these, these people, seriously, I walk in, they go, hi Tom. Hi. And they're like, extra ice, it's ready to go. I'm like, what the fuck, man. Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see them do it to other people. It's not just me, movie star, TV star. Sure, sure. It's other regular, common, petty people. Right, poor people. Yea, peasants also got good attention from them. Sure. So I would be like, wow, even like a regular


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On routine, that I'm like, these are all stars. This is the best location I've ever been to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know if they either moved on in careers. What I did hear, I overheard a little gossip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's giving people an opportunity to go to better schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad idea, and it's a big thumbs down for me. Very disappointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's just little things you notice. First of all, I noticed on that app yesterday that when we stopped at that same place, you wanted water. And so I tried to get you a water on the app and it said sold out. I was like, oh, they're sold out of water. That's crazy. And I went in there and I saw like 200 bottles of water. So I told the lady, I go, it says sold out on your app, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just so you know, she's like, oh, what happened was we probably were sold out at some point and somebody just forgot to turn it back on. I go, okay. And then I came today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says sold out again. Still. Yeah, and the same girls there. I didn't bring it up, but I'm like, oh, they're just like missing a beat, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know that some of you losers out there listening are like, give them a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why you're a fucking loser. Right. It's because you have low standards. Sure. You know, I have higher standards because I'm a fucking winner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I saw you here this morning at the house go, flip, flip, flip, and you just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, I'm just, I'm just like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they were really, they're just dragging. They're just dragging in there now. And then there's, you know, there's three people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waiting and it still takes you like 10, 15 minutes to like, I'm getting an ice cock. Come on, man. Get your shit together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know that this is my version of Top Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Headquarters right now. Because that's, that's a few years from now. I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I walked in, I tried to walk into one and I see all these employees, I'm like, hello. And they're like, we are racist, we're training right now. I was like, oh, sorry. Uh, they wouldn't let me in because I went there just at the, as they were closing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We want you to experience it now, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I have spent the night in Detroit for that. And one of the best things about that was we got, so we got delayed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the, at the gate. And they're like, you're not gonna take off. Everybody's like, THE FUCK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just get on the shuttle and go to a hotel and then they were like, uhm, and you have to pay for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody got so angry that I watched, I just couldn't believe that this is all it took in the United States, you know, at a major airport. Everyone was like, bullshit! And they're like, alright, we'll pay for it. Like they switched at the counter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not. No, I know. Domestic, I don't know why, I mean I know a part of it is just like the incredible volume, but domestically, you know, the US airline industry is a fucking shit show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go anywhere else and it's so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way better in Asia. Of course. It's better everywhere. It sucks here. It sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause he brought, tried to bring a little bit of the, you know, international airline flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are absolute pigs in airports. You see it all the time. Sure. Uh, there, there are some of them treat the employees horrifically. Of course. Employees then treat the customers horrifically. It's just, it's overcrowded. It's, uh, you know, they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make the planes too crowded. It's too small because they're, there's somebody that measured and found out you can stick extra seats in and you can sell those for this amount. So it's like people are cramped. They're, they're not getting treated well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a hustle, hustle, hustle, like land this plane, flip it around, turn it around. I don't know, it's just, it's a whole shit show of an industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Francisco for like a hundred dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Vegas, same thing. I mean that's, that's really insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, five hours to one or probably three and a half, four to the other to drive. They're like, pay a hundred dollars. It's ridiculous. And just lie there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll make your brain melt if you've never been around this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea that there's no, uhm, you know, if most of you who have a regular job have some form of courtesy in your job, meaning that, you know, somebody calls you and you go, leaves you a message like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if we're gonna, you know, like to work out this deal where you guys sell us this and let's say you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most people go, I'll call that person back and just tell them that we are not gonna do the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Oh, that's called courtesy. That's normal. That shit absolutely doesn't exist. And it's one of the things that's taken me the longest to get used to. That if you don't want to do something with somebody, you just ignore them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's intellectual arrogance is what it is. It's because they know that they're special and they know that they have the skill that can make you wait. Because if you don't, if you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this hurts and I don't like, how can this not hurt? And they're like, you gotta come see me to make it not hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go there and you're like, I'm here when you said to be, and they're like, well, it's when I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, just uh, just stand right there. I'll get to you in a second. Stand there, yeah. Yeah, and then like 45 minutes later I'll be like, yeah, we're gonna get to you. I just talked to this other guy by his phone. All these other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna get your oil changed, Dr. Matthews? Yeah, yeah, there's no one here, but uhm, just wait there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cat Williams was showing up pretty late for a while. That was the word on the street. People got pissed too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is uhm, if you don't follow us on Instagram or Twitter, which I'm sure a lot of people don't. They just listen or watch. This is the big news. Go ahead, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. It's uhm, it's, it's, you know, it's based on, basically, Jean and I, and our relationship, and how we, you know, how we obsess on the little things. Yeah, this show, all of a sudden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think we would do that anywhere, honestly. That's too crazy. Well no, it's not, I mean it's just like, there's some things, some jokes that you play that play well for this medium. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the execution of it works on a podcast. And then some of them you go, oh that can translate to television, and some of them don't. It's not that coming of four strokes definitely can translate, it's like you go, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing that guy's drops and stuff, like, it works well in this medium. But that doesn't mean we're not gonna have fun and try to, uhm, you know, go after the things that make us laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't mean that the show is ordered, which a lot of people, I understand why you would think that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people were buying it in the room. It was crazy. It was pretty nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. So, it's really exciting news. I think we're gonna, you know, have a fun time trying to get it done. Trying it out? Trying it out. Trying to try it out. Trying to try it out. And we'll, uhm, hopefully...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have success in it, and uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did too, I love it. When I was thinking about that, it's like, I've done the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The run on the single camera stuff and it's fun to pursue and, you know, go after it. But I don't know, our natural element is definitely doing standups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I also want to- That's the fun part. Exactly. I want the, uhm, those sneaky moments. Yes, try it out.


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[Assistant] It's always like just a wink at your mom's house audience.


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[Assistant] Quick reminder, we are streaming new episodes of this show every Tuesday at 9pm Pacific.


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[Assistant] Two hours before the YouTube video drops. And you can watch it with us. Blue band is, uhm,


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[Assistant] Is in there. I joined last week. I'm at DJ dad mouth one. Sometimes Christina jumps in. She is queen jeans one. That's right. And we watch classic jeans on the weekends. It's twitch.tv slash your mom's house.


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[Assistant] There's so many versions, uh, somebody wrote, uh, FGTRTD is fat girls twerking around that dick.


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[Assistant] That's from William. From gums to really tight dentures. That's Chris. Uh, for genital time, reach top drawer.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, so really interesting. Oh, I finally got the, uhm, the answer.


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[Assistant] To, uh, let me see if this is here. Oh yea. Uh, you know that this guy, right? The infamous...


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[Assistant] I've never, I've mentioned that like, ah, it'd be great to understand the hell he's saying there.


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[Assistant] So here it is. So, I've been watching some of your past episodes now as Tom really enjoys the video of the garage worker getting backed into. I'm a Canadian living in Taiwan with my wife. Thought my wife could translate because he is speaking broken Chinese. She said that he just yells in pain and the last thing he says


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[Assistant] Which is what this guy says, what Tom wished he knew what he was saying is stuck.


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[Assistant] A lot of people had asked about that over the years, and uh, he didn't have any major injuries.


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[Assistant] No, no, I like that he's not really hurt, of course. I don't want him to be really hurt, but it's still a funny, funny moment.


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[Assistant] You did. You said it was gonna happen. So ridiculous. And it did happen. Uhm, it says Jenny was a gutter slut. Uhm, yeah, with forest. She knew what she was doing. She took advantage of forest's inability.


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[Assistant] Sling blade and forest gump as being not necessarily very attractive, but just, you know.


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[Assistant] Forest would have been better off becoming gay pirates with Lieutenant Dan, pillaging other boats for their shrimp and booty.


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[Assistant] If you ask me, that sounds much better than being a single parent living in bumblefuck Alabama. True dat. Raising this autistic child. I didn't know that was a thing. By yourself because your dead gypsy wife couldn't stay away from dirty needles and random cock. Congrats on the CBS pilot, Kyle.


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[Assistant] Well, that's a very nice email, Kyle, and interesting observations on your part.


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[Assistant] And she knows, she knows she's got him, you know.


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[Assistant] Forrest Gump with the ho-ass ho, gutter slut Jenny.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. If I ever meet Tom Hanks, I'm gonna talk to him about it.


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[Assistant] I was speaking of my movie star lifestyle. I don't know if I mentioned it, but the movie that I'm in called Instant Family has been moved up three months. Did we mention that on the show? So it was going to be a February release. It's now November 16th.


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[Assistant] But I'm very excited, I'm very excited that it comes out in November and I think it's gonna be, I don't know, I think it's gonna be a big movie.


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[Assistant] He's doing right now 47 days in a row, like because he's 47.


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[Assistant] 47 days in a row of getting up at 3-something to work out.


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[Assistant] I think he's in bed pretty early, yeaah. Guy takes care of himself.


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[Assistant] He probably is. Shit. He probably is.


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[Assistant] Really selfish twat. If I ever meet Robin Wright, I'm gonna tell her the same thing. Hey, Jenny was a fuckin' selfish gutter slut.


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[Assistant] Kevin, gay Kevin, because of his whole thing. Do you know the gay Kevin's movie?


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[Assistant] But fucking Kevin came out this weekend. He's in this movie called Billionaire Boys Club. Which was a VOD before it hit theaters.


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[Assistant] But uhm, the movie, he's not the star of the movie, but he's definitely the most high profile person of the movie.


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[Assistant] And it premiered this past weekend in 10 theaters and it made $287.


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[Assistant] It is, and like I said, he's not the, like the movie was made two and a half years ago, so it was before the scandal, and he's not the main person in the movie.


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[Assistant] Well they can't take him out, he's in the movie and they're not gonna, they don't have the resources to reshoot the movie.


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[Assistant] I'm saying that the main guy in the movie is actually the kid from, uh, Baby Driver. Oh, what a good movie.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so he's actually, I think, the star of the movie, but anyway, the movie just tanked.


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[Assistant] Uhm, we got this email, Jean, that said, I listen to every episode from day one, way before fucking camp. I'm in the middle of moving out, listening with my headphones to Mom's House podcast episodes.


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[Assistant] 333's through 340, laughing my ass off. My butt, my fuckboy polyamorous neighbors came over with a beer and said they were sorry. At first I was confused, but then they said, we thought you were crying.


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[Assistant] I guess that's what it sounds like when you listen to your mom's house alone in your house with headphones on. Have to get back to fucking camp. Later mommies. Fucking camp. Emmanuel. Isn't that funny? That's hilarious.


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[Assistant] I mean, yeaah. He's like 8 years old. He's cute too.


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[Assistant] You know who probably does know that word though?


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[Assistant] Our guests, I'm sure, knows that word. Her guests? Our guests coming up.


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[Assistant] Extra process they go through. I know it's made in the US and I forget.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Hey, here's a pee question. Hey, Jeans, I'm in the middle of a level 5 brown at the moment and I came across a question that came across my mind that requires further investigation. Why is it you can pee without shitting but you can't shit without peeing? I've never shit.


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[Assistant] Without the preliminary p-stream, so it begs the question, why?


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[Assistant] I would love to hear feedback from you. Maybe the P-stream is the redheaded stepchild nobody talks about in the whole farts push the shit out debate. Is there a deeper meaning? I need to know. As always, keep it high and tight. P.S. Tom is for sure the water champ.


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[Assistant] Do you wanna see this clip of, uh, Burt swimming? Yeah. You know, so when you're ready. It's pretty cool. I think you'll like it. Okay. Ready?


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[Assistant] That is nasty. That was a footage of a Burt lookalike, and he pooped in the ocean.


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[Assistant] I think this is, by the way, I just want to put it out there, I think this is a good Burt topic too. He definitely has hemorrhoids. And probably has for decades. He's probably going to have so much insight into hemorrhoids. I mean, he's a guy you look at and you go, hemorrhoids, should I talk about it with this guy? Yes.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Uhm, remember this one, this from those days?


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[Assistant] Crazy Luke's diss track. You're kidding. Yeah, he made it just for this appearance.


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[Assistant] The comedian who will- Racist. Will wheel in here. Republican, I was gonna say. Uhm, and uh, no, we're very excited about it. So, we'll be right back with, uhm, burnt crystals.


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[Assistant] Alright, we're back from the big pause with, uh, he's drunk, he's obscenely overweight, he's, he's intensely racist, it's Bert Kreischer!


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[Assistant] I saw the special. Thank you. Yeah. I got an advanced screener of it. Tom's a celebrity. Did you know that? Well, here's the thing. I'm a movie star, television star, highly in demand actor, writer, producer. Yeah. I just say, I want to see something. Boom. It arrives and I watched it and it's fucking awesome, man.


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[Assistant] Perfectly represents you. You are.


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[Assistant] In the special, who you are, for real. You know, and that's a cool thing to see. Like, I was like, this is 100%. Cause you know, sometimes you could tape something, shoot something and you're like,


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[Assistant] Ah, fuck. Like that's not really who I am. You know, like, or that didn't come out right. Yeah. But this came out to be, this is you.


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[Assistant] It's also a fucking throwback. It's funny to call it a throwback. It's a throwback to win comedy specials that were funny.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's good. You're gonna have a, I think, a fun time with this one, man.


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[Assistant] Wait, you're not going to start touring with a shirt, are you? No. No, you can't. Imagine how upset people would get now. Like if you go on this 2019 tour,


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[Assistant] And people are like, we also, like, we all, because you think that that Showtime thing got you exposure. It's like this, this is going to be a whole other level. And then you walk out and you're like, nah, I'm going to do the shirt thing now. People will be like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] I knew, I, I knew him before, right before Isla was born, cause I remember


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[Assistant] Baby Isla coming to the green room at a club. That's crazy. I know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't smoke that much. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. No, he didn't smoke that much. I'd smoke around sets. I'd like have a pre or post and like, no, the thing is you think it's going to, like you hope it's going to work out. True. But the, your reality of the living situation you're in, you know, you're, it's, you're like, this is real, man. This better work.


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[Assistant] I mean, here's the truth, if I'm being honest.