[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seem like you might've been down for a long, fun night ahead of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it gets back to back to back nights, I could see you going, needing like to check out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing is that at home you still have shit polling at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I've never had it, but I'm saying I could see how if somebody said we're checking you into a facility to not think about stuff for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what they do, is they, they go checking, they check in somewhere for exhaustion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's more, but I think at that level of work load, where you're traveling that much, like day to day to day, and performing, and like have a, I think you could be drug free, mentally ill free, and have it happen. I do think it's possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to a mental hospital because your, well yeaah, because your mental state isn't well, but you're not mentally ill. You just have worked yourself into a state of literal exhaustion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not disagreeing with you. My thing now is that I actually think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that I think it's real. I think it's actually legit, not drug related.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I'm gonna omit that I had six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll just be like, is the wine, is the wine that everyone else drank? Did I have special wine? Was there another glass, did they give me an extra fucking, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He stopped smoking. I think he smoked even into the beginning of the presidency. And then, you know, they're like, you can't be the president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, Old Orange Sauce, he's uh, he's 70. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Well, she did. She did actually do what we were saying you should do. Yeah, we demanded. As people you don't represent, we demanded that you apologize that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. Uhm, I had an idea to try this week. Wanna know what it is? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, just real quick, we'll do it fast. Uhm, I don't know if there's any left, but I'm at the, uhm, ice house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, actually this is after that, sorry. This already came out. New Year's Eve. I'm in Orlando, Florida. Hoarin' it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five shows, uhm, 29, 30, 31. New Year's Eve is a special event, just a FYI. It's always gonna cost more, uhm, than any other night of stand-up comedy at a comedy club. Uhm, then I go to Kansas City, Kansas shitty, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm gonna be there doing my thing and stuff like that at the Improv first week of January. Then Ox Hard in Ventura County at that Levity Live, the new club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also in January. And then my big, uh, theater tour starts. The first weekend, I have New Horlins, Louisiana, Hotlanta, uh, Horja.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Clear Farter and then Tallahassee doing a Florida State. Very excited to go. Uhm, and then you can go to TomSegura.com and look at the entire


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] List, we've added shows in a bunch of cities, uhm, added in Chicago, Portland,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we added in Mamiapolis. We added in Detroit. So it's a, it's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those tickets are going, where Christina just was by the way, Washington did come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday has some left. I know it's far ahead of time, but those tickets are gonna go. So if you wanna come, I suggest getting your tickets now. Jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of you have seen it live, or some of you have seen it live. Dallas, Houston, Seattle, we did San Diego. We did the Ice House a bunch. This will be the first time in a while. San Francisco, we've done a bunch too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so check this out. I, uh, I'm really excited to do this. F-A-R-T. Say F-A-R-T. Like dude, just this morning,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got about 25 emails just between Jesus, just in the last few hours. That's what I was saying. It's, it's, it's hard, man. It's hard to keep up with everything, but this is what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I started going through emails, because I was like, I don't know what I'll have on my computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a bunch of songs, some of them you've heard before, some of them I'm certain you have not. Uhm, one thing, you know Max Newman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Max Luvin is one of our all time Hall of Fame musical people, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's the scaping dad guy, there's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tpk, I think he goes by. Uhm, there's like, who made like, home run songs for us. Well, Max, I never knew this was in here. Remember when I was trying to find a DJ name? Yeah. So he was like, he sent me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He drops like DJs play with different names. Cause he didn't know what I was gonna be. He's like, are you gonna be DJ Browntown, DJ Genebriefs, DJ Beardflake, DJ Meatfarts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DJ Asseline, DJ Bear Denim. So he sent me, dude, listen to how funny, so this is like, if I were a DJ, right, you're coming out of a break. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So lame. So retarded. Yeaah. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So then I started to pull songs, right? I mean, some of these you'll remember, some of them you might not. Uh, I don't know if you've ever heard this one. You heard this one before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Ren 1, is the artist. This song is called Cheerio, Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know, uhm, that's the Hey Hitler girl. I guess we should have given you some reference in case you don't know. Danny makes YouTube videos and she begins a lot of them by saying Hey Hitler as if he is watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we think he's in Argentina still, just only communicating through YouTube, watching YouTube videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then this, there's another. Yeah, it's really good. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause it's like she's asked, that's a great song, Brian and Amanda. Uhm, let's see, does that pop up? No. Then there's Topher Roy made Hi Mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. Your. Your. That's what's up with Robin Wright's asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They talented or good. Yeaah, then we have, uhm, what is this, Olly Zeezer, made the double pipe classic song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used to submit songs under a different last name, like Ali starts with an M, I forget what it is. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great stage name. Uh, Max Newman, who we were talking about, he, I think I played this once, uhm, when I was on Rogan, I was telling him about Problems Made by Dicksoft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he made a song out of me talking about that. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then of course, uhm, tons of, of Burt Is Fat songs, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is great. This is Gaving Dad also. It's a song of vocal fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one year old. So crazy. Some people say one years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll officially make him a toddler, right? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about this person? Do you think, do you think this person is also?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure, like Webster, where you're like, oh man, what an adorable black kid, and he's like, I'm 38, man. Yeah, he's a forever puppy. Yeah. I don't know. He is kind of forever. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I wish we would have watched so much more. I was like ready to like just do that for a few days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So weird to say what was your favorite channel? Yeaah. It was on the survey, I remember. It was DR. They don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really sick of being, yeah. People are, what if, what if next week it's, uh, our son's birthday party and we give him the cake and he makes his wish and we say happy birthday and the first thing that pops out of his mouth is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's gonna be like, he'll be making videos like, hey, Alice here, got another big burp coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so great. The electrician. Jane, Jane, is everything alright? And you didn't correct him. That was my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we got more, somebody else sent, uh, a drive-thru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves, he loves smoked salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes that, he actually likes that on a bagel. It's interesting. Yeah, she's so crazy with that shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird. Yeaah. He's, uh, she has her own way of doing things. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna do that stuff. Another thing I want to do is have her read a ridiculous copy. Like come in here and be like, hey I need you to do this for my show and just give her, like have it written.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'll just, I'll have her read ads. Yeah, rap stuff. Just re-say drops, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he wants to do, he was wanting to do one this year, I actually regret that I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to do one next year. And I'm like, yeah, of course we'll do, uh, we'll do one. So he, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, like we go on trips and we get there and he's like, check in, you know, you wanna get something to eat? And you're like, okay. And then you go and as you're eating, he'll be like, let's go back to the hotel and chill. And I'm like, okay. And then we get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're like in bed, like, you know, we're like sharing a room. He's in one bed and while he's eating, he's like, this is a good time, right? I go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, alright, we gotta get dinner somewhere and go see some shit or something. We do that and then it's like, let's go back and chill again. That's what he likes to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I guess I kinda like to do it too, but he's like an extreme version I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, yeah, I don't know man, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want one so bad. Okay, well they're gonna messenger one over today, right? Yeah, uhm, getting one over here. I'll have another one shipped to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're really excited. It's the Just Glassin' shirt. Order now, try to get it in time for Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you stop with that? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's great. Go to TomSagura.com, click on the store, and it'll take you to our merch page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm thinking of first of all, first of all, how much I enjoy the Toto Washlet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 350e and all of its magnificence and just unbelievable technology. And I love the clean feeling of a post-brown washlet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's times, you know, where I've wanted to floss, whatever, don't floss, you just don't floss, and you're like, fuck, this is, whatever, but you- It's gross. It's gross, but you go, I don't know, you, you know, you, you still can rinse your mouth, you brush your teeth, you, you could get a water pick, you could do all these things that are kind of substitutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, I think you could still, you could be really more thorough about your brushing. You could do more thorough rinsing. It's not the same. It's not the same, but that's the thing I'm waiting for. It's not the same. But it's like, do I want to floss and then have that dirty, dirty butthole all the time? And I think the answer is no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty fucking gross to not floss, but it's just the way it is, man. I'm choosing. It's a would you rather. No, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would take no more browns, huh? No more clean browns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kind of your, that was kind of, I feel like there was a widget rather that I really liked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll just talk for a while. Yeaah, sometimes you guys send really good ones. So uhm, uh, let me see. Is this the one that's it? Would you rather? Nope, that's not it. But I know there was a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, pause right there. Just to inform people. King Ass Ripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normally I would play a drop of his The Fart God. Uh, he makes the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's got, like, brown stains in his underwear, and he's, it's horrific, right? Yeah. John Sockers is the vegan enthusiast who makes songs about veganism, and he has the vegan vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyhow, he, he makes, you know, ridiculous songs, comedy songs, all about veganism, and he's totally, he made a video where he wants to eat every woman's vagina, if they're vegan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for listening. Uhm, uh, I think that's a really good would you rather. Oh my god. And it got me to thinking, personally, I like King Aspreyper more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But 30 days locked in a room, that is disgusting to be with him. It's vile. It's, it's revolting. And I'm going to go with John, John soccer's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is not as bad as revolting. And I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I would end up probably wanting to write a song with him, so I would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So get out some creative juices, have some fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna feed me his diet, so I'm gonna eat healthier, so it's gonna be a healthier 30 months, 30 days. Uhm, if you live with King Ass Ripper for 30 days, it would be KFC baked beans, beer, he would fart


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day, every day, to the point where they're gonna be probably shit, cause he, he does brownie shards like you did, all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be torture. It's not twelve hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he farts on them first. He's gonna fart on your food. He's in charge of the food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm turning that fan on tonight. I'm turning that fucking fan on tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that guy. I think he's awesome. Uh, so last week we played, uh, I think his name is Orlando. His... I took it this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, turns out we were like, oh, who is this guy? And he's a known guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a Vlad TV interview, so check out the diamonds in the crevice of your pussy guy giving an interview. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's saying he ate Raven's box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good move. I think if you're looking to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put yourself into a cat, in a unique category. Gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where there's opportunity, there's, uhm, originality, there's no, no threat, perceived threat. Sure. Of your behavior. Sure. It's the, uhm, it's the choice to get a throat piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so tiny. She's like her head down looking at the register and looks up and you're like, Oh my God. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think face is not the best idea. And then I also want to throw in throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very few. And by a few, I think we mean one. So yeaah, it's always alarming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's a little of much on the fanboying out to be like, hey I got a tattoo like you did on my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. Throat tat's really scary to see. I think, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she had a, she had a filled in black hat. So there's color in that thing. It goes over and over. It's just, what's up bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and when you look at someone and they have their, and then the crazy thing is that somebody with that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throw a tattoo, immediately you're going to be like, woof, right? You're going to see it and they're going to be like, what? You know what you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you fucking did. It's the same thing as, like, uh, when a woman has, like, the see-through push-up. What are you looking at? I'm looking at your big stupid tits. Cause they're out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I would try to hide it. I would, I would do like an E under my beard, you know, for my son's initial or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. It's a knife. Yeah, no, I'm not doing that either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do actually feel like the throat is crazier. I think I would go through the face. I think I would go through the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why won't you do the haircut I want you to get? Now that we're talking about this stuff. Will you tell the audience, I've asked you to do this multiple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a pretty good idea. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the cowboy. Uhm, well here's the images that come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haircut. How about for a woman though? That's the best one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. No, that's not how I've enjoyed it. I want you, here's what I, okay, here's the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, none of these people have it. We saw, I saw one picture of it somewhere. Uhm, I want you to shave, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right here, the top out. So it's like when a man is balding, like normal male, yea the horseshoe, and then have all the hair long on the sides and around it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Friar Tuck looks like it goes all the way around though. That's the difference. The Friar Tuck. Does anybody know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which one? This one? Yeah, it's pretty cool. Uhm, how about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's old school. Like, male pattern baldness. Oh, and women. Oh, and women. Maybe that'll be it. Oh no, that's so sad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not what I had in mind. And I want you to create it. Uhm, horseshoe. What's that? Horseshoe? Horse? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get the idea. But I want you to, like this, like this guy's hair right here. Right. See?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I think it'd be in- I think you'd end up thanking me though because you'd be like, wow. Like, this is a really cool haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean why, why do you think you can't do it? You're gonna stand out so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. We gotta get on it though. They're coming soon. We gotta get on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do stand-up. It's gonna give you such a boost. You're gonna be, you'll be on the Today Show the next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do that, because they'll be like, have you seen how cool this new comedian is? They'll think you're new, but you'll take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw one that had the word poison with an arrow pointing towards the tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do the dick over. I'd put like these jeans. Need to get tailored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the idea of fingerless gloves tattooed on my dick. So it looks like someone's holding it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a homeless look to have fingerless gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd go for the fucking horrific gloves, and it'd have to become part of my persona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, oooh, fuckin' hickory dickory dock, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really dumb thing to do. Yeah, or is that, is that a tat right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It just still gives you that grip. Your fingers can get out and take care of things, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to drive with him. Do you remember that that was a wedding gift from one of my friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so now it's raven has one titty color. That's not that unusual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, for a watch, that's a brilliant idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I said I'm gonna lease a Lamborghini. And he was like, okay. And I go, so we got to put this much down. And it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I was telling him, like, it's, I got, you know, we borrowed some money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting like, you know, we got like $20,000 together for a down payment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll be like, oh, like this is like a significant guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, and I only can drive it like a thousand miles a year, you know. So I have to really, really be careful how often I drive it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't remember if we talked. I remember he was like, I remember from when I first met you, weirdly one of my oldest memories of you is you telling me how much your dad likes grapefruit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an actual grapefruit picker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who else loves grapefruits? My memories of grapefruits are Charo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she used to, when I was a kid, she used to slice grapefruit and pour honey into each little pocket, like a little squirt, and then that's how she would eat grapefruit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, but he looked at him. He looked at him. Yea. But what he said- Didn't tell him good job or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause otherwise you're saying it too much. Too much! He's like, I hear these people, women, they're like, oh, you did a good job, good job, good job. It's too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're gonna be like, what? She's gonna go like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And guys, speaking of self esteem, uh, the weight loss challenge is ongoing. Um, a slight update. Uh, I've been really good. I've, um, I made some adjustments to the diet. Um, I, I don't want to give away too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just know that I'm fully immersed in this competition. You're gonna win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing my exercise and let's just say the numbers are a changin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see. We'll have to see what happens, as they like to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's a, I don't know, he's a cute guy, he's a nice guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you have a real strict policy on leftovers. Uhm. What are you talking about? It's like when there's food in the fridge from the day before, you're like, is this alright to eat? I don't like that. Yeah, it's from last night. No. And you're like, uh, I think we gotta, I'm like, that's the whole point of taking it, like, in a bag to go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three days later, that's crazy. Of course, I never do that. Three days later, that's fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can definitely do that. You can have dinner, sushi dinner, and put it in the fridge and have it the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you have- Oh my god. You have an ally, not necessarily with sushi, but with leftovers, and that's Plies. Plies has an opinion on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I think two days is fine with all that kind of food. With sushi, I definitely think the next day is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was my dental update. I was going to do a dental update today, but we mentioned it during one of the songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what I did, uh, I told you, I go, remind me, remind me, last week when we were doing the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, you were gone and I was about to just wind down and I go, do I want to go and get the trays and then go in the fridge and get the thing. And I was like, and I go, well, I just asked for a reminder. I'm just going to fucking do it. I got the trays ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but the next morning my teeth were aching. Yeah, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this one shot of him. Yeah, it's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They look really bad. Can I tell you something? A lot of people say he just cares about the upper class, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go get the nice, high quality veneers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go to a specialist and they'll do, they'll make even like age appropriate veneers. They'll be like, well, we won't make em fuckin' billboard white. We'll make it this, so it looks like you have nice teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For your age, kinda goes with your skin, like you know, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found who he was. Tell me everything. Yeaah, he's a big time hunter. Like he's a well known moose hunter. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Uhm, here, let me pull up, uh, figure his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I put this, uh, oh yeah, the shirt up and that's how it, uh, people started telling me who he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His name. Hold on, hold on. I'm gonna give it to you. People are like, I got a huge dad boner for this. How do I see the video? People put it up. Give me a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, apparently he does, he does guided tours too. You know? So if you, if you want to go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His name, I'm trying to, I'm trying to pull it up. Just give me a second. Talk. Talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His name is Fred Eichler. Fred Eichler. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a passion for bow hunting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's his boys. See? Family guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, home, about Fred, contact Fred, Fred's gear. I don't see a glass and shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we got a hundred fucking Canadian emails saying like your ears are full of wax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fred Eichler from, oh people have already been typing it. Probably from this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes a noise. Did you know that people work on that noise? That was one of his one time. Really? About the way that a door on a car sounds different from car to car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People work on that. To make the car door sound different. Okay, I wrote, where's Fred from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're big fans. We enjoy your hunting videos. We want to know where Fred was from and where did he grow up. Thanks and keep hunting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's all these wonderful songs. Which one do you want to hear on the way out? There's Pastor Pajitski, uh, Sermon 74, there's My Dad's Balls,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, my father is coming. Uhm, it should be fun. Uhm, thank you guys for listening to the show. We love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's live, 7pm. It'll be great. See you guys soon. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we still appreciate the uh, the instrumental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But guess what? My shows are still gonna go on. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see. Then I go to Philadelphia finally for those four Trocadero shows. There's about a hundred tickets left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's only one show with tickets left. Uhm, then the, uh, I go, you know where I'm going? Basically home. West Balms Beach. West Ball Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like weekends like that. Oh, bang bang. Uhm, so I'm really excited to go back to West Harry Balls Beach. Uhm, then I'm doing New Year's in Momlando. Junior's. Junior's Eve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if you would, go to TomSagura.com, click on the tour page and you can see my 2017 tour laid out. It starts...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a maze. It starts in Kansas City, then I'm doing an Oxnard date, so I'm doing a local week, and then uhm, shortly thereafter, the theaters start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New Horleens. New Horleens, Atlanta, and Clearwater, Florida, and Tallahassee. That's my first weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clear Farter is basically my tampon date, cause it's like 20 miles or so apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's neat. You're going to, uhm, Washington Dickhump, uh, in December, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm ahead of the curve. I'm booked through April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of these shows, by the way, we're not gonna add. So if you want, I wouldn't wait super long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, ready to start the show. And don't forget if you are, um, one of those people that are like, wow, that's a lot of ads. Don't forget to bite the tip of your dad's dick off and let us know what he says afterwards. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm. And tell him, ask him, well, you know what I mean, get him, tell him how your dad responded when you bit his dick, also. Treat Bert, hey Bert, I bit my dad's dick and this is what he did. And then he'll be like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that wasn't even gonna be our opening clip. Oh, seriously? I just saw it and it was, this kid's adorable, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that was submitted by Alicia C. Alicia, you have an adorable little daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we should say this, I wanna say this, you know, you guys, some of you know, some of you don't, Bert, sorry, Bart is one of my closest friends, closest fattest friends, and uhm, his new Showtime special comes out this weekend. I'm really excited for it. It's exciting, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday, November 11th at 10pm Eastern. It's on demand the next day. Uhm, it's, you know, I'm so happy for him. He's a great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, it doesn't distract the audience, like no one's gonna wanna look at this, so maybe they'll focus more on the material. Right, right. You know? So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once it becomes or when it became? Cause what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was uhm, he was doing ahri. Air ahri.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking to them and cause Ari had texted me, like, what do you weigh? And I was like, oh, no, you're going to answer honestly. I did. I did. I answered. Yeah. Cause I weighed myself this morning. So, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first he texted me that Burt was 257 and I lit up. I was like, what? Cause that's so much for, especially for Burt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it kind of depends, man. It depends like height, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, like, what would be like, uh, you know, if somebody was like, here's definitely where you should be, they would definitely say, like, too hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I weighed myself this morning, 242. So we're two pounds apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 1st, 2nd and 3rd, you have to weigh yourself 3 days in a row so that it's real weight. It's not like you sweat it out and then you put on. Or shed it out. Right. Whoever is lower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three days consistently, right, right after the new year, we'll win the bet. So whoever's lower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the loser has to take...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, let's, Burt's gonna lose. Burt has to take me and Ari to a, an event of some kind of desirable event. So it could be like a sporting event, a concert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Rihanna comes to town and Ari and I are like, oh my god, omg, she's here. Yellow, brown diamonds are in the air, whatever. Then Brent has to take the two of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fully recognize that Bart could win this thing easily because he just has the body type that responds to doing this, you know, cutting something out really well, but he won't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have the, I have the advantage of it being after New Year's. Imagine what he does on New Year's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were talking about the Rose Bowl, that would be like right then and there, but maybe, you know, I don't know, maybe a playoff game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know, I think, I think Airy saw him weigh himself or something, so I think that one might be. Let's see, what is the, uhm, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking for the bowl games for 2017.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that'd be a lot to ask, but I think, uhm, going to the game would be really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rose Bowl tickets. Maybe we should get them and just see who has to pay for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, well mine is supposed to be high fat, moderate protein, net carbs only from veggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look great. I've had a couple, you know, you fall off the wagon a couple times, but basically it's there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sugar in your belly, sugar in your belly. Uhm, check this out. I got something to play for you. You ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, just to get ready for the announcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't made a Christmas purchase yet, you may want...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to TomSegura.com, click on the store and it'll route you to our store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing. You can rock it. You can be the water champion in your house. You can buy it for somebody else. If you defer, for instance, like Christina does, and she acknowledges that I am, you could then give it to your, um, let me mute you real quick. And then, uh, you could buy it. You would have it to, uh, you could give it to, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're very proud of it, and we're very proud of the water championship that hasn't ended. People, every time I hit the stage, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Now we're gonna buy our Toto through our banner. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fascinating guy, but when we were on Rogan, this whole started because we were on Rogan, and we were thinking about, you know, what are some of the exciting things we've played on the show since the last time we saw Joe. And, you know, when we, two times before, we introduced him to King Assripper, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And then with Pena, we brought him up, but Joe wasn't sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he was gonna get taken down because of people, you know, and their usage rights, Pena doesn't give a shit. Uhm, but Joe didn't know that at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. This guy's the fucking best, dude. That's the guy, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Isn't that nuts? Yeah. Motherfucker lives there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're wearing your fucking suit. What are you wearing, your fucking jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hopefully we'll get it in order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charlie Goodnights. Oh, Charlie Goodnights, yeah. Yeah. I went there, and you know what I didn't realize? You know I'm a big Seamen Hall fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to meet up with, you know, I'm such a big fan, and I've been Twitter friends with some of the columnists and writers, you know, cover them. So I met up with one after the show. It was really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, that's pretty good. That's a really neat story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope you can tell our son your version of the story one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, oh my god, this is borderline, not even borderline, you just basically did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's- I'm done with you now, thank you, those are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me it felt like you were making fun of Native Americans and I didn't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, the Seminole Nation supports


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the university using Seminoles as a mascot of the team, yes. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was disrespectful the way you did it. It was disrespectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the hell are they doing? They're stomping the yard, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It looks like, uh, an HBU, but I don't know where it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You asked me that. And then I texted you that that's where I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I left so early. Cause there's a strip club by LAX.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's, she looks like, I wouldn't say she's, she has eaten some of a Ziploc bag. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're everywhere and people go at all different times for different reasons, which I understand. I don't think going to strip clubs is weird, but you brought to my attention this specific location and stories about it that were very amusing, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he's getting ramped up for the trip, that's all. I mean, it, it makes sense. I don't think it's that weird. I just think it's funny that it, that you know someone so closely. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was thinking about like what I would have to do to go is I would have to leave like four hours early. That's the part that's funny is that you're going to be like, Oh my God, I'm going to get up at four AM to catch this flight, this 10 AM flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta really love it. You gotta love it. Or you could just eat breakfast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's something I didn't know about until I was much older. Was that there's a, there's strip clubs that serve food and that some people are like, hey, the food's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never had it. Uhm, I did have steak. There's, there's one like in Florida, there's a chain of a steakhouse that's also a topless bar, but it's known to be a good steakhouse. I had to look it up. And then I had steak there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this it? Rachel's Steakhouse, yes. Now she's chewing something. That's supposed to be good. Rachel's? Yea, I went there years and years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, looks like there's one in Tampa, and uh, let's see, Orlando. Yea, it's in like some of the big cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But what I wouldn't do, and what I've heard of people doing, is breakfast. Like scrambled eggs buffet at the strip club. I'm not into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is like, you also are for a flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I guess it makes, you know what, it makes, I understand it more that they went, they did it before their, their bro trip. It was like a 50,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe, you know, but it sounds like that dude from what I've heard about him, he might have done that on any flight. Like that might have been his routine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's pretty funny. Yeaah. Well, yeaah, your dad's a good friend though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds like you. I think a lot of people will be like, oh my god, I thought that was Christina. This dude is apparently a big producer in the mixtape game. He put out one of Nas' mixtapes and he put out, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He worked on a Ghostface, Killa, Cool G Rap mixtape. Let me see, just so, oh yea, J Love, okay, so that's his name. Uhm, but apparently he's really, he's real comfortable with the big words. Sounds like it. Especially for a white guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a good question and I think the answer is over time. Uhm, this dude is so deep in hip hop and specifically what seems like with New York guys, which means that he's hanging out with like real street dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he probably, you know what it probably is? I think it is if you're a New York guy like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're hanging out, yeah, with a lot of black guys, but then you hang out with a lot of like Puerto Rican guys who are like some of them technically not black and they talk like this. So then you're like, that's not a black guy. He talks like this. He gets away with it. Then if you have success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With uhm, you know, he's worked on a Nas mixtape, looks like he's worked on a Rakim mixtape, he's worked on Mobb Deep, DMX, Lord Finesse, Craig G, Master Ace, like all these guys, and if they're talking to him like that and they start, you know, making him feel like that's, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, whatever. But I imagine, it's just over time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is interesting, and it is, I think it is, like yeaah, when you're like really, uhm, you know, when you're learning a language, really learning it, you go to that country, and you live there, and after a while, it starts to come out of you naturally, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An in-studio street dude to talk exactly like this. Like he's actually sounding exactly, cadence-wise, like a hip-hop New York black dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? That's how like, that's how a guy who's probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this point, 40 or older talks about, like, you know what I mean? Like a DJ who's 45 would be like, yo, you a combo, son. And he just picked up on all that. It's what he was, all he knows is what he's surrounded with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Jim and Sam, I did them this week when they were in LA, but two weeks ago I was in New York. And, uh, Jim was out, but Sam was, was hosting. We had the, uh, a little bit of the N-word because there was a Fox News contributor, uh, who, who's black in studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And about like, white people being able to use it. Her position was like, no. Never. Negative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always thought that the song thing is absurd, like to be like, you can't say it when you're singing a song. You can say it if you're singing a song, but use common sense, right? Like it's in a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my point is that you're an asshole and you know what you're doing if you're saying it out loud and like, looking at a black guy. Like, don't be stupid. That's obviously like, that's, you know, that to me is just common sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying like, you know, it's in a song, so you have, you can repeat a song, like no one can tell you. But like, there's also just stupidity. Like, if you're trying to do it to, to test whether or not you're going to get in trouble. That's dumb. That's dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is like a, like a Truman Show experiment or something, you know? Like he's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deep, deep in, in like becoming, uh, like a hip hop DJ, but also 100% the way a black dude would do it. She's tearing that up. We gotta get, we gotta get her out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just came to go like, we should really be talking about as you know what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking downloaded it. I've activated it. Why the fuck doesn't it work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do. But you know, he's doing his thing, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do. Yea, if you're a big guy, you gotta have a full beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of interesting looks, Crazy Logues has a trailer out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't talked about him in a long time. Uhm, doing his thing and stuff like that. I think it's, they said it's called crazy looks the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sky punches. Tons of sky punches. Hook punches, sky punches. The man. Wow. Check him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hitting San Jose next year. I hope I get to meet the Lokes. I hope so too. Matter of fact, I'll make a public announcement now. I'd like to meet Crazy Lokes at my San Jose show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'll keep pushing. You know, if I win that Burt bet, I'll be that much better at this. So, get ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks good though. Speaking of, uh, good looks, we have another submission for, uh, horrible, hilarious. Okay. So we're either gonna laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or be really, really horrified. Ready? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine how resilient they are. How big they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please never send me an animal getting hit by a car. Send me people getting hit by a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the shit I find funny. Uhm, and not hit, you know what I mean. I don't wanna see someone killed. Just something with a funny reaction. You can't see a reaction when an animal gets hit. It's just sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been to the LA Museum, what am I gonna do in fucking Louisville? I gotta find something to do. On, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh good. Did you talk about what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't hear the fart and that's why I didn't say much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, it'll be like you, let's say you lean up to fart, but there happens to be a gas bubble that you don't recognize in your chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wanna say somewhere between 10 and 12 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the band of smurfernie of our first raw dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked about it on stage this weekend about, I asked a guy, a couple in the front row. I was like, do you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time she told you, you don't have to wear a condom. And he goes, yes. I go, see, it's burned into our memories. Like, uh, like, like a significant date. Like animals. Yeah. But it's like an important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is, it's like for a guy, I mean, there's some, obviously everyone's been with some sketchy chicks who are like, go ahead. Right. You know, but like I'm saying when your girl, you're dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm saying that that's what I remember about that place. I can remember you saying like, you don't have to wear that. And I was like, yes. I remember also if you're a guy, just, you know, if a girl ever says like, you don't need to wear one, don't say anything, just shut up and get in there. And accept the gift that someone's given you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if you'll offer the same level, uh, bronze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder, uh, by the way, I have audio of that, that hotel when we were there 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, you have tits where it looks like you have a couple pairs of tits tied together. And then if you, if you pulled them apart, there'd be tits inside of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now, it's probably gonna happen, right? We're gonna be like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Submitted, uh, what's it called? For the master, what is it? Did they submit? Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that was really fun. So make sure you check it out. Uhm, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well the reason I wanted to play this for you is we have such an amazing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Accent, and I don't know where this person is from. I don't know if you could maybe help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly what you should be saying. What in the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but I'm talking about not as well known. Who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have so many Peruvian relatives stay, he would start to talk to them in English the way they spoke English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Juanito, so, today, you saw the zoo, it was nice, and were the people there nice to you? And I'd be like, uhm, why are you talking to him the way he speaks English? Yeah, it won't help. And then he would talk to them like that, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Irish thing there, but then it sounded to me, the more I listened to it, it sounded to me like it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a lot of time with the Greeks and that the Greeks who speak English have that application.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, but she also is speaking in uhm, rudimentary though, English, which is like, if, if she hung out with, let's say like, maybe she should hang out with some, or like, but some exotic, like high society Greek lady who doesn't speak 100% English, she's like, I hung out and, you know, with my, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a Madonna evolution of her accent video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty cool. Well, the, the glass and, uh, so there was this thing said last week, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they found who he was. His name is like Todd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was stunned when Mommy P had the audacity to disagree with the main mommy slash master of accents, Tommy. I lived north of the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Canada for two years and have a Canadian baby jeans. The Just Glassing guy is clearly not Canadian. His vowels aren't nearly far back enough in his mouth. He sounds exactly like Joe Rogan's friend Cameron Haynes, who's from Oregon. Turns out this guy's from Colorado though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing. You should know more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a while since you've been home though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to pee at the same time. It looks like you're about to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A square? But I think it's funny that she was trying to explain this square, uh, get your life, and then she goes, well someone's out of pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 80 tracks in like 10 seconds. Cause they only move like 2, 300.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I thought she was adamant that she was never gonna do that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she liked any aspect of it. Didn't she not like newborn aspect? None of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here I'll use the uh, Google machine. Tamar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see. I think she is. I can't, it's hard to tell her this. Apparently she, uhm, lashed out at somebody. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lashed out at somebody who made fun of the way her son speaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Good for her. I would too though. She was saying that uhm, somebody said he could use speech therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't really called the shock bites. It was called the shallows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shallow Hallows, I remember when it was out, cause I was at, uhm, I was on the road, sometimes that, you know, people don't know, but all we do is kill time throughout the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to the titty bar and I was like, seen enough tits for the day. Well, for the flight, I've seen enough tits pre-flight. So what now? No, but I remember the, um, the kid at the theater box office kid was like trying to sell me on it. He was like, no, I saw it. It's really good. Um, I'll say this. It was entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were very critical. You were so critical in that move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were like, you were like, uh, Tamar at the movies. You're like, uh-uh girl, no. I was like, Jesus. And you're like, oh yeah, like that would happen. Oh yeah, like that shark would do that. That's what, that was you last night. You didn't even realize it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It was scary. That's right. It was, um, it was real scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a movie right there. It totally was. There was some gross shit, uhm, some of the shots were like, oh my fucking god. Pretty gnarly, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her lips got real chapped because she was in the sun and she stopped being attractive and I wanted to turn it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shark was real hungry. He never satisfied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was a fun movie. I mean, there's times I've killed time, 90 minutes to hours and you're like this fucking sucked. It wasn't like that. It wasn't a great movie, but it was entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. And this bothers me, cause I've pointed it out to you in other films. Uh, primarily the Matt Damon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and the premise of the film, I mean I think it's in the trailer, okay, it's that she gets stuck at sea. There's a shark looking for shark bites. And anyways, she's stuck on this rock, first a whole day goes by. She was surfing, and then she's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then day two comes. She's cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's bored, she's tired, she's in pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it masturbate again? That's so true. And then you're like, I'm basically saying that the hole is too big in this film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's not like, oh, I want to make myself feel good. Like if I was ever like, I want to feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was basically about to dismiss this entire film, and I don't mean to be a spoiler here, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, in the end of the film, when she gets on land, she masturbates when she gets to land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I thought right after that, they were like, she goes, I didn't get off and they're like, I don't care. And then she masturbated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the Martian, I tried to have Tom Papa ask, because he's friends with Matt Damon, about whether or not that was a conversation, he didn't get back to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has to masturbate. Neither one really adds up. Those are the holes I see in the film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Martian is like, you can't even defend that. They're like, they're either like texting him via the satellites, like is there anything we can send you? Is there anything you want? Like he would be like, send me a picture of your tits or like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big flaw. Yeah. Like you wouldn't be like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, she's on that rock. She's not gonna, like, she knows, like, I'm on the rock. He's not gonna get me. I'm cold. I wish I felt good. What could make me feel good right now? I could just flick my bean for a few minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, look at that, that does look perfect. That perfect smile is perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's just mouth size, it's just real nice for me. You look so third world with yours. I just look like a guy with a cool smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Don't put it in your mouth. You always do that wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you just put it in your lips. You always go too far in. Yeah. There you go. Now it looks like it's your teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know there was huge news, I probably got teed up by this, for this like a hundred thousand times last week. Teed up? Yea, like people reached out to me so much last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Seagal has been a really big proponent of better relations with Rucha, uhm, for years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, speaking of the Burt Chrysler of action films, uhm, nothing. I got a, uh, another treat for you. A new cigar trailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That uh, are in the eight to twelve thousand dollar budget range. The trailers are even better if it can be imagined than the film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's been uhm, it's sort of like the school he comes from, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I think people would go, wow, if Will Ferrell said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, yes, uh, there was, you're back, and he goes, I need my own team and my own gear, and his jet, and then there's just shit going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they know there's enough of a market, like, he's a big enough name where someone, like there's enough people out there that are willing to pay something to see these films. Four dollars? It's not the uhm, you're, you're, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Movie goer of today, but it's somebody who's like, it's probably a lot of, yeah, it's, it's people here who are, you know, a few like old action, but then in other countries where he's still a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your stepdad came to the country a few years later, he would have made his name Steven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it has kicky punching, but a lot of editing, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is like his sixth film of the year, which is incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a really, he's really a fucking not a cool guy. But anyways, I'm just not a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple big reminders before we leave you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's remind people, Burt Kreischer, The Machine, premieres November 11th at 10pm on Showtime, on demand the next day. Uhm, me, your main mommy, I'm in Louisville, Kentucky this weekend, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new Water Champ shirt is on sale now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, go to the store, you can go to thompsdegro.com, click on the store, yourmomshousepodcast.com, click on the store, thousandranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not good. Shouldn't smash on your brain. Uhm, this is a song, a closing song by DJ Boy Butter. It's called Retarded Christenza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mother of your baby with your retarded tits shooting retarded milk into him, giving him retarded juice everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get a double cheeseburger for Burt please. For Burt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks, just glassing. Ahh, masterful. Thanks, James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, with our hair or something about our bodies that we like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very loving and respectful act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi everybody. Hi, how you doing? This night, this night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, don't talk to me. You look like baby. No, my nigga. I am not fucking baby. I am a man, my nigga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I see that. Daddy gave you good advice. It gets bigger when I pull on it. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That same guy will never even touch his own com or taste his own com. I've seen this happen so many times with guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing. I think we should go on strike against cum. A cum strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing. I think we should go on strike against calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This time we're going to say my name. See, you guys don't know that I have a different name. So are we going? See, I have a name. Let's spell it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A-R-R-O-Y-O-G-U-Z-M-A-N. Okay. You know those names? You should. Okay, I brought you a goosebump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was here checking you guys out. So was my uncle's. Do you know you have scratchy toilet paper? And he really got treated bad. So you know what he said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go buy them some toilet paper. Get everybody to start bringing toilet paper in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, let's, let's do some, let's clear up some things. I have two boobs, not six. I have six butts because when you guys are talking about me, you have no idea who knows me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you guys caused the death of somebody you should have nev- Oh hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. I got marbles here. Because who in their right mind ever thought it was okay to put a concrete company 50 feet from a family home?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's six hours of em, you got em? I put it in writing, notarized, certified that document, where are they at? I asked you a year ago for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you just think I'm stupid? You guys have no idea who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you can't put crappy, crappy material in the concrete. But you guys let it all happen. And so you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I was supposed to do? I was supposed to give Roger Feigard some panties. Got him pink. I won't say what goes with pink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are for Mickey Esposito since everybody's panties get in a wad when I come up here. So send them to her, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked pretty good. Now I'm fat as a cow. Now remember, I have six butts, not six boobs. Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of my favorites. I think that's my favorite song that they made for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incredible. So many jams. Those are my jams. I have a midwest mind. Those are my jams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That song also brings back the memory of, uh, Orson Welles' drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of my favorite things ever discovered. That's the best thing that the internet did was bring things like that to people's attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the internet, all of us get to find out that he was out of his mind, fucked up, doing commercials for a wine, a winemaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when that, I still remember that he goes, I haven't seen that in years, and he goes, they go like, action, and he's like, he doesn't do anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he's supposed to be going like, ahh, the French Champagne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had to know by the, you know, third take, they're like, this is not going to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's so legendary. I think part of you, even if he shows up again, you're like, this guy's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll pull it together. He's magic for a reason. Yea, he's gonna turn it on, like when the cameras roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they're like, mwaaah. Always been known for his accent. His pitch just went all over his face. It's all over. Ah, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should know about it. I agree. Wanna do a proper show open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I laughed so hard at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have not laughed this hard in a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see this thing and I'm like, wait, what? And this is Senator John McCain, former presidential candidate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On, I think it's Greta Van Susteren and obviously, you know, this topic comes up and he very matter-of-factly, it stands out so much because people in this position usually maintain a level of diplomacy no matter who they're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess, but it's also, I thought, look, I think that part of this, my theory on this is when you're a POW for a number of years and you're brutally beaten and tortured, you have a kind of a matter of fact way of speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, let's be honest, he was, he was, uh, uh, tortured by the Vietnamese. So I think his whole outlook on the Asian world is skewed. A little different than most people. Yeah. So it's just to me to hear a guy just like lay right into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, even though he's obviously, he is a dictator, he's a maniac, but he's just like, to say this crazy fat kid, running North Korea, I was shaking on this plane. I mean, I was laughing so fucking hard, with my headphones in, just like, yeah, and then the best part, but we don't even have it here, is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He continued after this and she continued with no, like there was no pause. You know, it was just like, just like staying there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I like guys that weren't captured, but anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the supreme leader. But amongst, like, politicians, there's usually, like, some- Decorum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they have this, uh, you know, they had this, I forget what they call it, with North Korea, uh, patient diplomacy is the tactic. But he's just like, fuck that crazy fat kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was in, uhm, Washington Dick Hum this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you to everybody that came out to the shows. They were a lot of fun and Pat House, thank you for coming along and opening the shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what? There's a guy named Pat House that was on The Biggest Loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that is why, because he talks about it on stage, because that Pat House hit up this Pat House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I saw that you have uhm, you know, we have the same name and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I think he lost this one. The biggest loser one lost a lot of weight. He might have wanted it or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bad house that I know, you know, tells a story about meeting the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to the, uh, national portrait gallery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you, you know, the, the hit makers of US presidents, you're like, oh, you know, obviously Truman, Roosevelt, you start seeing, you're like, yeah, yeah. You get to this period, unless you are a real history buff, you start walking by portraits where you're like, never even heard of that guy's name before. And it's a prez. Let me pull this up for you. A prez? A president. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Presidents of the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, how about this one? Okay, first of all. You didn't even answer my question. King Ashripper does not have one. Uhm, I left a little note there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually not coach ice, it's another coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his name, I remember. That's a cool name. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of all-stars begin- Heavy hitters. Heavy hitters start, right? Franklin, Benjamin, my favorite. No, he's not a president. So, you got- He's not a president? No. So there's George, obviously a big dub, right? John Adams, Jefferson, Madison, you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never heard of him. Okay. Uh, after him... Knew that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the U.S. President. Just for a second. After him, John Tyler?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got that one. Uhm, yea, poke after that. How about this one after that? This was my most alarming one. President Zachary Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he was obviously not there for long, okay, but still, no one ever mentioned President Zaktimi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? But that's what I'm saying. You know, obviously, I mean, there's not that many. So you, most of the names click something in you, even the ones that you weren't really studied up on. But when we saw Zachary Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was a president, you know, in the late 1800s. That's one that should be- You were alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I was in middle school. He was fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the presidential salary then? Damn. $50,000 a year? Dollars? That's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't seem like it can be right. It's like a million dollars a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels good, right? Kinda. You said you didn't. Did you know... Rutherford Hayes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, Chester, we went through that. What about Benjamin Harrison? Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our president. Harrison. Harrison. 23rd president. Nicknamed Kid Gloves Harrison or Little Ben.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uhm, I mean, after that, I think you've heard of everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he's president into the 1900s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you've heard of the rest, but let's double check. McKinley you hadn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously, Rosie Melt. Have you? Yeah, because I know a couple of McKinley High Schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this one? Yea, go ahead. Be honest. Be honest. Warren Harding. No. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We walked by, we walked by this portrait and I was like, who's this guy? Is this like an old senator or something? Nope, 29th president of the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he died, he died in office. Oh, he died? Yeah, yeah. So that's why Calvin Coolidge became president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his nickname, Silent Cow, that's what it says. Is that true? Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had the stinkiest farts in the whole thing, yea. Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the rest of these you've heard of, let's see. Let's see what Barry's nickname was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's see this real quick. I want to see when it changed here. Yeaah. So 200 grand a year was, uh, was it, it was through, uhm, Clinton and then jumped to 400 grand. So it doubled up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it was. They just made you really rich at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys now get a $50,000 expense account as well. On top of their 400 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, wouldn't you wanna just kinda drop into every era for a moment to see what it's like? It's hard to pick one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm talking about US, like, the last few hundred years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mushy perps. And you have, uh, the newscasters being like, Christina, mushy perps. Brzezinski today was arrested outside of the Purple Onion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so I did that. I went and I learned about presents I didn't know we had. And then, I also went to the Nat Geo Museum. And do you know what they have there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pictures of soggy tits? They actually had a lack of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you walk in and you're like, this is your Instagram account. Yeah. And they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, uh, it's blown up here. And they're like, yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Annoying, uhm, and so, I'm probably upsetting for someone to hear me complain about, but it still is irritating as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a first class problem. No, you're right. You are. But in first class what they do is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're on a flight that's over three hours, I serve a meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And, uh, you know, you get your booze, whatever, but I don't drink really on flights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I know some people that do, but yea, I don't. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uh, I get on, and they're like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lady hands out menus. You basically have two options, but they print it out, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This omelet with chicken sausage and blah blah blah. Right. Or oatmeal and fruit. So, you know what I'm gonna have, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm sitting there, I'm in the last row, I'm in the aisle, and I watch her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go from left to right across row one, left to right row two, left to right row three. When she comes to my row, the fourth row, she looks at me and the guy sitting next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then across the aisle, so in other words, the last two that she'll hit, two women. She looks at the four of us and goes, we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, omelet, and we have, uh, oatmeal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, so I'm about to say omelette. She goes, uh, ladies first. Turns, like skips the whole way she had been doing it. The two ladies go, we'll have omelettes. And then she turns to me and she goes, I guess you guys are having oatmeal. And I go, no, I'm not. She goes, no. And I go, no, I don't want oatmeal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, oh, and I go, so is there not another omelet? No. And I go, okay, then I'll just, I'm good. You know, I didn't make like a big stink about it. I go, I'm good then. You don't want, and I go, no, I don't want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, uhm, I'll see if I can find another one. Which is a weird thing to say. Where are you gonna find it? Yeah, don't you, aren't you saying that there's none left for a reason? Uhm, so, I just go, I kinda zonk out for a minute. And when I wake up, she goes, oh, I found something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she puts in front of me, like, some scrambled eggs. Ew. Which is weird. Because... From where? From Coach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, uh, I just, uh, I looked at it and I was like, this doesn't seem like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then you go, I don't want that thing. Kills me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, uh, flight attendants will pick their own path, like that lady did. Yea, yea, yea, it's arbitrary. They go like, yea, we're gonna start in the back row today. And you're like, alright. We're gonna start over here. Since you did the, you know, ladies first thing. I, I seriously...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my mind wanted to go like, excuse me, you went like this the whole time. There's a lady there, you didn't jump over to her. So, fuck these ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we're not talking about, uh, they get to, uh, you know, putting their bag in the overhead, which I gladly do for them. Right. We're talking about, why do I get leapfrogged for that? No, fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get more cheese boxes. Yes. Get more meals. Build bigger overhead compartments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our bags. That every fucking flight I get on, they go, there's limited space, and you gotta check your bag. We'll build a bigger- doesn't this happen every flight now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't you build more space? Who's the genius that designed this? I have fucking two feet above my head. Make that shit bigger, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what makes me see red too? Is the fuck, it's always a guy, some douchebag guy will board a flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking, I can feel my blood pressure rise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's always when like, of course, when like a flight attendant's not looking. Yeaah. And then, cause you wanna be like, excuse me. Excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. I can't tolerate it. Do you tattle? No. That's the thing. Don't tattle. No, I don't tattle. But you wanna say- Snitches. Don't snitch. You want to. That's the thing, is you're like, on the vert, you're like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't snitch, but it's always like, the time when you really actually want to is when you see the person bored first late, and they're like, uhm, there's no room. You wanna be like, well dickhead, in 34C actually put his bag right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there is room, if you get his fucking bag of hammers out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always seem, uh, completely blown away when you don't want their dog shit snack too. Like, they come by with the basket and they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chips, chocolate, and I'm like, I'm good. Are you sure? I don't want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's free garbage, you don't want it? I'm like, no, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, uh, Virgin has hummus. They do. But it was like pretty strong. I remember being real farty after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The disappointing thing is that you're on the major carriers and they have the most dog shit. You know, like Delta, American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or why aren't, how about lay flats are, are from LA to New York, San Francisco to New York, but LA to Philly, LA to DC, cross country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. Why can't you get a lay flat? I wanna sleep, yo. I wanna sit here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an international that they're using to get here before it goes overseas again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the big, the big announcement's our big announcement. That is, it's happening, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very rare that we get to travel together and do this, but we're doing it. Wednesday, August 23rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so rare. Um, it's just gonna be a one-off. There's not, there's not gonna be a second one. Um, but it's gonna happen. So if you want to see the pod cast, our palm cast live, uh, August 23rd, we're going to be doing it at the breast balm beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mentioned this last week, if you don't know, I'm coming to Mom's Australia, from Mom's Australia, and I'm doing, uh, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, and Perth. No, I'm not doing Adelaide, uh, that is not my choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adelaide, I'm not doing it by choice, that's just, this is uh, you know, I'm working with a promoter, this is the run they set up, so people have asked me on emails, that's why, it's not any other reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I'm very excited to be going there. I have, uh, an added show in Titsburg, Pennsylvania next week. It's Thursday. If you want to come, the early one's sold out. And then I'm in New Haven, Connecticut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm also in, uh, Burlington, Vermont. I have two shows there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's right, Burlington Co-Factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Added shows in, uh, Meat Rattle, Washington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excite. Excite amaze. All that stand up. You gotta have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, big star of our show was this, this lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so she made the point that she hadn't showered in days. Three days. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, email says, the asshole lady is a liar. Hey mommies, due to the nice lady in the opening clip, the how you say asshole lady, don't believe a word she says when she tries to make light of her non-shower situation. I camp for a living. In other words, goes camping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To December, I'm in camp- I'm camping Monday through Friday, so I'm sure you can imagine that means no showers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she is voluntarily stuffing that nasty pudgy finger into her b-hole after three days of non-showers, you trust me, around day two,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't listen to the lady when she says she wants a dirty asshole in her face. She better get her life because nothing about the must is a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but maybe the musk is a good thing. As Tom said, she is gnarly as fuck. Thank you guys for keeping my weeks in the woods high and tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys rock Travis. I mean, Travis is making a good point, which is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying there's probably some bullshit when it comes to this three days thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The court recognizes your point.


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[Assistant] This is three days of no shower. It's not a good situation. No. It's not gonna smell okay. I'll tell you what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I always shower a lot before bed. So if I'm like ready to go to bed, I'm like, I gotta get a quick shower first.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and you were like, your brain exploded.


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[Assistant] I think it's either $3.99 or $4.99.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go fuck the Lincoln. See? Joey, I bet would go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not a chance. Not a, there's a zero percent chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I just uhm, I got here, you know, I just got in from D.C. and I walk in the house and our nanny's here and she goes, you look tired. And I go, ah yea I am. She goes, you look very tired. And I go, thank you. Yea, she's like, she's nods like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very old today. Very sick. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haven't seen In the Wild? To get close to hippos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the deadliest in terms of killing the most people every year. Really? Hippos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can actually haul ass, you know, for, not for as long, but these guys can chase a person down. They can just come after you and bite you. And they can chop you in half. Like split you in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a bad bike eye, yeaah. Is it on extraction to get hippo sweat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, no one's actually, no one's actually, I think, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I captured hippo sweat from a hippo in that, like in the moment, verse four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's assumed that their sweat has antibacterial properties, scientists want to research. Oh, okay. Uh, so he makes a fake hippo body. That's bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so fucking stupid. This is so dumb. This is so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had like a, you know, a real production team make this thing. It looks like some shit you'd see at a kid's birthday party, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if the kid was like, I like hippos, you'd throw that in the pool and be like, there's a hippo right there, you know? And then he's gonna go out in the wild in Africa with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I would be so terrified. Never. Untold millions. Look at those fucking things.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, it's not for the money. This is like 1500 a week. It's, I mean, it's more than that, but he's not making, he's no president. Let's just say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's hippo shit all over this fucking fake thing, and it's just cooking. So, but that proves more to your point of, uh, you know, the hippos would be able to smell him, if not, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like these people are like that guy in the hippo outfit and they're just hiding in different things trying to find the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I sure hope we get an answer when this is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far everybody just asks where it is and they can't seem to find it. Poor guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one mystery we have not yet solved in this country, and that is where all the cum is. If you have hot sticky cum in your balls, please step forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, these guys, they could have kept all their come to themselves. They thought about the rest of us and they came forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's he, is he teaching you to walk like that? He's like, guys, we all want to make fun of retarded people. But here's the technical terms and ways to do that correctly. If you're gonna mock somebody, you gotta know what you're doing. Now, once you find the cum that we've all been looking for,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to pay attention and I'll show you how to walk like a tard. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've noticed that, uh, a casual, retarded on stage. It doesn't fly. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like you see, you feel, it's not like there's a huge backlash, but people don't like react to it like, uh. Yea, it's not cool anymore. Yea, it's definitely not. It's not, it's on the no-fly list. Wow, that's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would it be uhm, would it be like a, like a guy, like, you know what I mean? An explorer? Yes. Looking out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we do, we try to do this once a month where, uhm, you know, we don't go far or recommend it to any young parents. If you can, you have, uh, your folks or your, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put the water thing in there, you leave them some diapers, you go just change yourself when it happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you gotta do this, man. Everyone's gotta do this. But I mean, I think it's also, by the way, it's, it has nothing to do with parental status also. Whether, if you're, uh, single or have no kids, everyone, I'm a big advocate for a vacation at a time away. You gotta find the cum. You gotta find that cum. You gotta take a break and just look for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right. I remember talking to my manager about that one year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day of the week, all the time, every week, every month. No matter what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And actually, you know, I realized that I get happy when I see photos of people on vacation. Like I see it and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I go, that's awesome. No, just cause I see them enjoying life. Yeah. You know, like when I, when they're, I don't know, they're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the mountains, or they're in Hawaii, or this, and I'm just like, oh, these people, like, I feel like all these people are doing it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I've had to fart during one of the few yoga classes I took, yeaah. I've had to fart during pilots too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I didn't, I didn't fart, obviously I held it. I've had to fart too. But I've been like, eyes bugging out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you farted like that. In front of him. He'd be like, where's the fart? Yea, he'd be like, I found the fart. I found him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About half an hour later, the Ziva gave me wicked burps, and my third burp was matched by an accidental fart that had some serious pressure behind it. They were both so loud, I didn't know which was which, but all I know is that it was the second best moment in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, Mario with the formula there. Now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are two very, uh, gas-heavy beverages. Kombucha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people have different ways of achieving their goals, and uhm, you know, this guy's going heavy on the beverage, and just saying like maybe, that makes sense though, cause all that gas, gotta find a way out, maybe that is a secret, you double up on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And wait, is it stinging that whole time or are there breaks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not even drinking a carbonated drink. Isn't that something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they always do. Fine. Uhm, this video is pretty funny. It's a guy in Singapore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. Now that I know you've done it. This guy in Singapore thinks that, uh, a foreigner is taking too long at the ATM. So he starts to, uh, verbally berate her. It's pretty intense actually. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think of Singapore like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy has some, he has some NYC flair to him.