[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, sunglasses season is here and there's no better option than our friends at Shady Rays. I love my Shady Rays. They're an independent sunglasses company that offers a world class product that's just as good as any expensive pair that I've had.


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[Assistant] The frames are durable, uh, the lenses are super clear, and it's great for outdoor living and beyond. And that's not all. Shady Rays offers the most insane protection in all of eyewear.


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[Assistant] Exchange for a new pair or return them for free within 30 days. We have so many pairs of Shady Rays at the Sagura House. We love them. I love them for uhm, when I'm on the boat.


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[Assistant] They're so light. That's what's really unique about Shady Rays is that they're very light and durable. So exclusively for our listeners, Shady Rays is giving out their best deal of the season.


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[Assistant] Go to ShadyRays.com and use code HOUSE50 for 50% off two or more pairs of polarized sunglasses. Try for yourself!


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[Assistant] The Shades rated 5 stars by over 200,000 people.


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[Assistant] But yea, like just make like, make some nerds life better. You know, like put, put your titties in one guy's face and like make his life fun.


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[Assistant] That's right, Tom. So I wear these, uh, you can go, try Google, uh, Burberry. They're like Burberry check pants.


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[Assistant] And I've been wearing these on the road. I like to- yeah, there they are. The one on the far left kinda, those, yeah. So they're just like-


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[Assistant] You know, those basically. And so I wear them on planes. I like to look a little nice and man, I got like.


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[Assistant] On this trip alone, five black people complimented me on my pants. Like I was walking through the airport and like a black dude stopped me. He was like, excuse me, excuse me. I love these pants. These pants are fire. Where'd you get them?


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[Assistant] And then I had to like have a discussion about the pants. I mean, my black approval rating is so fucking high right now because of these pants.


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[Assistant] So anyway, I heard a few good things on my travels this time around. Uhm, the flight attendant on this flight, she goes, she was giving the pitch about the credit card and then she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, especially because they do it while you're landing. So like, the flight's already been four hours. I don't want to get the pitch for the credit card right now. Like, it's the last thing on my mind. I just want to get my bag, take a shit, go home, see my kids. Like, you know, fuck your credit card, lady. So she goes,


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[Assistant] She goes, and if you're not familiar with the program, and I was like, oh, familiar dude, I forgot that one. So I texted you and Ryan Sickler immediately. I was like, I heard familiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good one. Photographer, familiar.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, so another cool thing I got to do on this journey is like I went to Atlantic City, uhm, at the Borgata, right?


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[Assistant] Dude, it's like, it's like a, it's like you step back in time, cause people can smoke cigarettes indoors still.


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[Assistant] And I got to go eat at a buffet for the first time in three years.


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[Assistant] I got to be like elbow to elbow with nasty people and like get diarrhea the old fashioned way. You know?


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[Assistant] And uhm, I got, I didn't realize how exciting the buffet is. It's so, it's so overstimulating.


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[Assistant] And I was- first of all, you stand in line like it's a fucking ride at Disneyland. It took us a half hour just to get in, Chase and I.


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[Assistant] And little do you, you don't know this, but when you work a casino,


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[Assistant] You don't get to eat the same food that the casino goers do. You eat with the staff, if you're really broke, like what we were.


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[Assistant] And that is underground, you have to go underground, and then it's like a horrible employee buffet.


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[Assistant] Of course. We took, we took all the gigs we could. I remember- Every gig.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I do remember. This is like when we lived in downtown. Yeah, why didn't you do that again?


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[Assistant] Crew ships are rough because you're held hostage with the same people, so, you know, you're going to eat your


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[Assistant] I'm not funny all the time. I'm sad right now. I'd like to be left alone. Um, but, but okay, so, so I forgot like the sheer giddiness of a buffet. Dude, like I was so, I had adrenaline pumping through me. Like, like,


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[Assistant] Cause I haven't seen that much different cuisines of the world in one area. Like it was, I went to Italy, I went to China, I went to the Caribbean, I went to Japan.


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[Assistant] This is everything. Well, I mean, that's why I'm so like...


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[Assistant] Look, my inclination is to be 400 pounds. I would love to be 400 pounds and just give up, but I'm fighting the fight. I'm fighting the fucking middle-aged fight and it's so hard to not go to the buffet and eat three pla- I ate three plates worth of shit. I was so stoked.


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[Assistant] I'm eatin' McDonald's everyday. Smokin'. I'm gonna pick up smoking cigarettes again at 80. I'm gonna start taking Oxys. I really like Oxys. I'm gonna start that up again. And then...


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[Assistant] No, I mean statistically speaking, the guy goes first.


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[Assistant] So once you die, I think that's when I'll start to be like, fuck it, I'm weighing 500, I'm going to the Borgata buffet every weekend, I'm just chartering out.


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[Assistant] But it's only a week, so you have to, you have to, you have like a week to really go crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, on a cruise. And then, cause you're on an open sea, so the rules don't apply. That's why they can gamble. So why can't they do prostitution cruise?


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[Assistant] It's the best cruise of your life. And they hand you fireworks. And then you're like, these are illegal in most countries, not here. And then you just threw fucking fireworks.


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[Assistant] No, this is just Grief Cruise. This is like a week of just like debauchery, but then at the end of the cruise you have to go back to life. You have to clean it up.


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[Assistant] There should just be a place you can go like when you're just at a fucked up point in your life.


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[Assistant] We were just like, I don't know what, like, everything's so crazy. Let's just take this cruise and just do what the fuck we want.


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[Assistant] And those are therapists, but there's also shrinks on board so you can talk and stuff. Yeah. Like therapy. If you, if you want to.


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[Assistant] He knows it's so gross. So gross. Anyway. Anyways.


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[Assistant] Well, it looks like he's actually in a motorized wheelchair. It's not just a rest.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'd be worried about him stopping suddenly, that boat, can't that hurt you, the momentum if you break suddenly?


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[Assistant] Hey, shout out, shout out to uhm, this is a year ago I had my injury.


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[Assistant] July 15th and 16th, Washington DC at the DC Improv. July 29th and 30th, Manfriend Disco at Cobb's Comedy Club. One night only, July 31st in Meat Rattle. Washington at the Neptune Theater. Uh, Cleveland, August 12th and 13th, Mini Apple Tits.


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[Assistant] August 26th and 27th, I'm doing one night in Brooklyn at the bell house, September 7th, the night before bell house, obviously September 8th, Nashville, October 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah. And then Jew Dork Titties at Caroline's November 4th and 5th. Tickets at ChristinaPOnline.com.


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[Assistant] Check out my new special mom jeans if you haven't seen it yet.


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[Assistant] I laughed, I cried, I threw up, I ate it.


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[Assistant] I mean, look, I think riding horses is crazy to begin with. It's just not for me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and this guy got fucked up by a horse. Cause that's what they fucking do. I fucking hate horses. Do you still hate horses like I hate horses?


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[Assistant] So what happened was, he slid off the horse, but then it looked like his leg was still stuck in the stirrup.


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[Assistant] You love them and they don't care. They will fucking kill you.


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[Assistant] Stop, stop giving them, uh, human traits. They don't give a fuck about you, bro. This horse does not give a fuck about him.


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[Assistant] Listen, if I got chomped by a lion or a shark, my days of swimming in the ocean are over. My days of petting lions are done. I've changed my life.


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[Assistant] Why are you going back? And it's like this noble thing, like, well, she gets back on the thing. Like you don't have to do that.


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[Assistant] It's okay, it's okay to give up the thing that mauled you, you know?


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[Assistant] And fighting through stuff, but sometimes you just go like, eh, I'm not gonna go back to that hobby.


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[Assistant] I'm done. I'm done riding horses. Fuck horses. Done. Done.


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[Assistant] I remember one time we went to Tulum, Mexico and you got sick. You had a cold.


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[Assistant] And like, it's so, so we trusted these fools that were like, go out and eat in the, in this restaurant in Tulum. And like, dude, I remember I was just like a mole, I got mole, it was so good. And then I was like, oh dude, that mole is coming out now. And like,


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[Assistant] And I came home, I had diarrhea for two months. Two months?


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[Assistant] And, but I was poor. I was a college kid. It was like, we did it for like road rules or whatever. We went to Veracruz to challenge some other cast.


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[Assistant] And I was like, dude, something's up. And then by the time I got like Cipro, it just, it just went away. But I'm pretty sure I had like some kind of tapeworm or... Yeah.


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[Assistant] Mexican diarrhea and it smells different. It's like, it's got its own jam.


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[Assistant] Same in Hungary. Every time I go back to Budapest, I like to eat the same few dishes, but by day four...


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[Assistant] Did I talk about this? Forgive me if I mention this, but it just occurred to me.


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[Assistant] Recently, how wild it was that my parents sent Shauna, my best friend Shauna and I, to Hungary in the summer of 1993.


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[Assistant] How fucking insane that was, like my dad, our parents were all like, go to Eastern Europe.


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[Assistant] Spend a month there, whatever, we were like 17, just turned 18. Communism had just fallen. Which means like, the economy is unstable, the government is unstable, the Russian mafia had just come into Budapest.


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[Assistant] And literally my friend, my, we were girls, 17, 18 year old girls run in the streets of Hungary and there's no telephone.


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[Assistant] In the apartment that we were staying at. You realize that? Like, if I wanted to call home, Sean and I had to walk out of the building, down the street to a phone booth and be like, hey dad, I'm still alive.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, the Russian mafia, literally they ran a strip club just down the street from where our apartment was. Like, there was crazy shit. We could have been snatched up like that, dude.


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[Assistant] But that's how they used to do it. They just send you to the old country, put you on a plane at 13 or 14.


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[Assistant] Don't worry about it, Andika is going to pick you up. And you're like, I don't know where I am. And you have fucking foreign aunts and uncles feeding you crazy shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we couldn't even call home. I used to have to go and, and think about that. It was a payphone and I had to go down to the Kish Abecé is the name of the supermarket and get like a calling card, international calling card, figure out the fucking country code. And you know how you figure out the number. You're like, I don't even know how to call. I would call my dad like once every-


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[Assistant] We were nocturnal. It was amazing. We would, here's what we did at 17.


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[Assistant] So my step- my stepmother and my father decided to buy-


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[Assistant] Probably taken to her, but she's very pretty. So we go there. So here's our routine. We would go out all night, partying, drinking.


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[Assistant] Getting ripped, come home on the Villa Mosh, like the public transportation, when the sun was coming up, go to sleep, wake up, go eat at, uhm,


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[Assistant] Not Shakey's pizza. There's one in the Vatsyutsa.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry, it's Pizza Hut. It's Pizza Hut on the Vazio. It's a shout out to the Vazio Pizza Hut. And this is like when communism just fell. So they didn't, they did not even have tomato sauce on the pizza. It was ketchup on the pizza. That's how like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then go and party. And it was a dangerous time. This is not, like, this is an unstable country.


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[Assistant] So scary looking back. You're like, you're fine. So dangerous. You're fine. So dangerous for two little American girls bouncing around Eastern.


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[Assistant] Shauna one time swam in the Danube. You're not supposed to do that. No? No, you can't just swim in the Duna.


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[Assistant] Like her bagel looks all nasty and like picked out and it doesn't look appetizing and then her cream cheese looks nasty. Like everything looks nat- it's not that fucking bad. I can tell you right now.


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[Assistant] That's so true, that is such a girl type who is very clean.


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[Assistant] And everything has to be folded, like the napkin has to be. You should fold it like this. You should fold your


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[Assistant] I have to say, as a wife, you scored in that I'm a pig too, and that I don't see


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[Assistant] I literally do not see water on the sink, or like, the dish towel's not folded, babe, like, I, I don't see underwear on the floor, I don't see any of that stuff.


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[Assistant] I mean, you will trim your beard in my sink and leave it looking like a bunch of pubes. And I'll take a picture and laugh.


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[Assistant] But he's not very, you know, well you have to fold the thing. Like he ate off paper plates, paper towels. I don't think I used a napkin in his house my whole life.


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[Assistant] Like, the audacity, first of all, like, this is the guy that put out that he was at the SNM conference.


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[Assistant] And now he's riding that cloud, like he's riding that high of like, oh, I'm S&M champion 2022.


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[Assistant] What? Hold on. Just hear me out. We've been together for 17 years. What if I'm like, you know what? I saw this Kim Cattrall thing.


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[Assistant] He plays the bass, she scats. I really wanna do this with you.


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[Assistant] Please just play the upright bass and let me scat and read poetry over your bass.


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[Assistant] It was very sincere. I think when people are very earnest like that, it's very- A, it's very Canadian. She's Canadian.


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[Assistant] It's very Canadian to me, that earnestness, like that, that lack of self-awareness that like, this is not cool. Like Canadians just don't know how to be cool. Like Americans are cool. No, I'm telling you, I've picked this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, that, no. Was it that trip? No, it was a cruise. Okay. It was my.


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[Assistant] Stepsister Cindy and I, we were goth. And so we were 15 years old on a carnival cruise and we did the entire cruise nocturnally, which meant that we slept during the day because we thought we were vampires. And then at night we'd go out onto the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, you guys like scat? And Cindy and I were like, what bro? Like we're from LA. And he's like, you know, scat. And we were like, like.


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[Assistant] I was 15 years old and I still think about it. Like I still think about it. Dude, he was like 22 or 23 and he fully scattered for us. I'll never forget. We were all getting high and we were out on the deck and it was like two in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was scatting for us. And Cindy and I had to do everything in our power to hold it together.


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[Assistant] And I wouldn't go out in the sunshine, I only go out at night. Or the fact that this guy was into scat. Definitely the scat.


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[Assistant] Do you have moments like that where you just like ruminate?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, thank god there's no social media. I was in drill team in sixth grade and like looking back on drill team, like just embarrassing. I was such a dork and ugh, everything has so many moments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time my stepdad and I went to kiss, like I went to go kiss his cheek, and then he turned his head and I kissed his lips, like I think about that, that was 1996.


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[Assistant] No, but I know that he and his dad are very close, Sasha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could probably just Google the moment too. You know what I mean? Instead of the whole interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, yeaah, I grew up with a boy, uhm, a boy who, they mouth kissed. The whole family mouth kissed each other goodnight. The boy would mouth kiss his sister goodnight. Mouth kiss his dad goodnight. Mouth kiss mom. Personally, I would rather die. Same. Same. It's not for me. It's just not for me. It's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, maybe I'm incorrect, could you google like Russian kissing, when you, Russian greets, like, cause Hungarians they do cheek, cheek, cheek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, do they kiss? I don't think they kiss on the mouth. They're very macho, that culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like do they kiss greetings, kisses maybe? Russian greeting kiss. Yo. Yo. So maybe it is a risky thing.


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[Assistant] When I was in Greece, the men held hands.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Kame Sharva. Shalosh. Yeah, for sure. It was nice. It took me back to a better place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Ian Fidance? Is that, is that his name? Yeah, maybe. It's probably Ian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're looking, we're looking pretty similar. Are you guys friends? We fuck. That's cool. But we don't really talk about it after. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, actually cut that out. Maybe I shouldn't have revealed. Oh, okay. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Dude! We went to the beach and we saw manatees legitimately like 10 feet away from us. And we didn't notice them because Burt was in front of us.


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[Assistant] I think he has each one of those kids like, like he puts his arms down and each one of those kids like pushes up slightly.


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[Assistant] Also like, any, it doesn't go up and down, it just goes up. So it's always like this taut, like pushed down. It's rock hard.


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[Assistant] He lets you know how much he's lost, but like doesn't say, I just gained 40. He'll just focus on the loss of the 20. So his fluctuations, he's always like, I'm down from this. It's like when you took a baseball team, he's like, we won seven of nine. I'm like, but how many out of the last 20? You're like seven also. You know what's funny is it's all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His puns, ugh, with the traps and the delts. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your traps don't do the unnatural thing. They, they go up. You've been working out clearly. Yeah. And I, you know, I tried to tell


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[Assistant] And Jarosz is like, stop doing that. I'm like, doing what? He's like, with your stomach, stop doing that. I was like, what am I doing? He's like, you're holding it in dude, stop. And I'm like, I'm not holding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I say, what about, how about, I'm just brainstorming here. What about weight loss by percentage of, of weight? That's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure you don't. Mr. Obesity. Literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the medical definition, that man is not just overweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Running, running, no. Everybody wants to play into their own, you know, strengths. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. How about we all learn an instrument and then play our fucking concert together on Halloween? That's kind of hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be really fun. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was always great until he did his one day where he was like, this has got to end. It was like, it was like when Jordan is like, just give me the ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's just a thing that like you can do every day. That's a time, that's a time thing. Stakes are easier. You can figure out a stakes a bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta be a- I ca- cause I see too, like, what are the stakes? What are- what are- and I can tell you guys are just not joining in on text threads. I'm like, they want out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I can separate this to like, that'd be good for the game, and then I like, oh, I'm in that game? Yeah, I know. Fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to do it. That is what you're. I need you to do it all through the day. No, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, limited's too broad, too vague. No, we have to say a number. That's what I'm saying. Yea. You're allowed to post. But also like, scout's on or you can't have a second phone. I said you can get a camera camera if you need to. Take your pictures and upload them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you like give your social media person, let them promote your dates. Right, right. You just can't do the fucking big promo, or shoot a bunch now and have them let your schedule out, but you can't be on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flip phones of the month, you can talk to your kids, you can text your kids. It's awful to text.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have to make, you have to wake up and find a class. You just have to find a class. It's an Uber out there and you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phone app for mental clarity, yoga, and then, and then some quantifiable like distance covered or, or, or the fucking strap or whatever. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did for my promo. I did my first push up since our last sober October. I was the only working out I've done and I was sore two days later from 10 push ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a fun experience. It's so cool. You get a guy who fucking served under Mao. Yeah. And he's fucking measuring you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, I'm, I've been thinking about it lately. I tried to start the travel podcast and it's gotten me like really itching to go. Take a comedy trip or some trip. Like let's just get 10 people. Let's go see Sam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at the end, she goes, I'm picking this one and they go, are you saying yes to the dress? Yes, I'm saying yes to the dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I thought about you guys when I was in Ecuador. There's this, um, Ecuadorian like couple. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, JP and Amelia, they moved to Ecuador and they just have a YouTube series. It's glorious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how they love Ecuador and it's just like, they sort of have these half fights. She does dancing, uh, like sexy dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of. And he's like, today Amelia's going for her bra shopping. That's when I'm the candy man. I get to, she's like, you sure like those, don't you? I sure do. Oh boy. They're so pleasant and nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Trisha Yearwood. Ms. Yearwood. Ms. Yearwood. They're married. That's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is cool. Look at him. Look at those eyes. What's behind them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe if he, if it's like, if it's too tight and he's like went to wipe, you know how you, when you wipe something before you're fully done? No. You do a halfway wipe. Yeah. And then like, you don't, and then more comes that more is like, ah, it's not done. It's not done. You wasted that toilet paper. You'd live with that. Yeah. You'll never get it back. But yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he's doing that and he's like, it's too tight. He's like, and he's getting worked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or, or he just like shit on the, maybe he shit on the seat a little bit and he just like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to a UFC press conference once early on before it got like as big as it was. And I was just there and they were doing questions and I was just like in the back, just some fighter. They were like, yeah, sir. And I was like, it's your favorite color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's on the top? Like I see that's a mat. What's- and then it just go up towards the toilet seat? Is that coke in the front of it too? You know? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's spraying and moving. Which is like, in hindsight, he's probably like, should have stayed still. Cause it's on both sides of the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last time I was, well I guess it wasn't here, but I'm scarred by some of these videos, but let's go, let's gear up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Screamed. Does he post this? He posted this I think, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine, like, if your mom and dad, or, uh, I assume just one parent there, is like, uh, don't have a party while I'm gone. Oh yea. And then like, we won't, and then they do, it's like, fuck, they'll never find out, we'll clean. And then like, fuuuuck. The house broke. There's no way to hide this. Maybe like, glue it, and then if it falls later, like, wow, weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At what point in this race does he think he's gonna lose? Like how far, he thinks he has a chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was giving away mushrooms that is not happening one year. I was like, let me give mushrooms to everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, all the staff and all the comics and whatever. And then I asked, like, the lady who was in charge of safety, I was like, Hey, dude, do you like take psychedelics? She goes, I know what you're doing and I can't see it. I was like, all right. Yeah. Yeah. She ruining her. That was terrible, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was bad. That one was bad. That guy skimmed his head, he was a full head of hair before this. Yeah, that dude, that was normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, sure, yeaah. I mean, if you call this a sorbet cleanse. That was not a fun- what about shit in the butt? Shit in the butt? Stuff in the butts. I know. The classics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and Ryan O'Neal were hiking at Runyon Canyon. Griffith Park maybe? I think Griffith Park. Doesn't, that actually part does not matter that much. And I had to shit. I had to. You know, you guys both know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just shit on the side there? I went over the embankment a little bit, but then I didn't bring toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it explosive water? It was not explosive. It came out clean. Hard and fast. The way you live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeah, and I had to, I had to wipe, yeah. So I had to like, I had a cherry Pepsi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did. It did. But probably less shitty. Less shitty. The smell later. How was that hand? You had to wash, yea, you had to wash the hand off too. Ryan did not want to touch me after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did. He didn't want to let me into his car. He was like, you'd have to like wipe your hands off first. Yeah, that's reasonable. We did a long hike and I was like, I'll wipe it in dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else am I supposed to do? Like, what would you do? Just shit your pants and walk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not bad. But now you, now here's, you have a limited amount of cloth space on the underwear. You gotta get it all. You can't double up space cause then you're wiping shit onto your butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get one to two wipes. You get one wipe, then you turn a 180 and fold it over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you didn't bring that back at all during the toilet paper shortage or COVID?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like everybody was worried except you and I. We're like, oh, what are we gonna do with that toilet paper? I was like, guys, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, do you have any dates to plug? Do you know the color skittles to help racial equality?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so empty, and you know if like, Zeikast had gone the other way, they'd be like, we're putting on a Dixie cam. To be like, fuck those gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. I've started a new podcast called You Be Trippin. It's available starting September 26th, Russia Shana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a travel podcast, uh, every episode is an hour at a new place that somebody's been to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're feasting on a whale carcass? Yeah, isn't that rad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You follow nature's metal? Yeaah. That's the best. Fucking amazing. It's just animal murders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come over here, come on. It's like coming to a dog that doesn't want to walk because it's raining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no offer. There's nothing. How do you, when he says answer, can you see what other people have answered? No. It's not like a poll. Yeah. It's going right. This fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just, the word for my partner was like, turn around, turn around, turn around. I'm like, what? Like, turn around! We had to turn around and we saw it. It was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm doing something. That's a real Burt workout. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to do a snake on her head. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when it really started when no one pushed the line back when they go, uhm, you know, my dad's been gone 10 years today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I have video of you saying what you should have done for safety precautions. You didn't follow it. Clear cut and dry case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we gotta go. What do we decide for sober October? We've narrowed it down. To what? Limited fucking phone use? Walking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fans, way in. Give us some ideas. I'm sure they'll all be very serious. Yeah. But like legit ideas. We're dumb. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Alright. Good to see you. Good to see you, man. You too, guys. Thanks for coming. Yeah. Your house is looking really nice these days. Thanks, buddy. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there's some women, or women out there, uhm, who really like, uhm, having their pussies licked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me know, cause I'm seriously interested in doing that, like, a lot. That's pretty cool. A lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I came clean about the one that made up. That was a fun story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Satva. We love sleeping on Satva mattresses and a lot of you do too. And if you're not yet, you need to be sleeping in comfort. You spend, I don't know, a huge portion of your life. Isn't it over a quarter of your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A, a mattress you would find at a five star hotel, they make a memory foam mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make a solaire. My mother has hit me up and asked me to send her one for weeks now and I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking my time, but you shouldn't. You should go to Sattva. S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. And get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice. They have mattress takeaway service, so they'll take away your old crummy crusty nasty mattress and they'll hook you up with a Sattva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there, in your home. It's the best. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the check it out guy. Chai lao, chai lao. Where are we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on tour. Come see me on tour. Uhm, I don't know where I am. Come and see me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we also just hit the store. They might be out, but we did a big reorder of the vinyl of White Girls with Cornrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Album that I own completely from my catalog, uhm, and last time we did a vinyl release, they sold out, so we, uh, we did another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get cornrows. She was dancing like music videos. So she was like, oh yea, I'll do that shit. And she was like, this fucking hurts. Pull them tight. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did, it took a while, yeaah, and we went to uhm, uh, like a salon in a black neighborhood, and they were like, what are you doing here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I, can I say what I remember most about this girl is that, you know, I hired her to do this, we had a very good day of the shoot and everything, and that one day, she just unfollowed me on social media. I think I would, I would also, that was back when I would post a lot of horrifying stuff on Twitter. I would remind myself of that, like I would, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot to get into. How about we just open the show and then we get into all the talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so I guess, I guess that line of thinking was a little too much for TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't, I wouldn't say don't buy men gifts. I do think it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the individual person, meaning like if, if you're a woman and you, you want to buy a man, I don't think you should go like, I'm gonna fight that instinct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To not do that. I think you'd do it if the feeling is there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not in need of anything, you know, so I can't even, I can't bring that idea up. But also, the thing I think I like most about gift giving, it is fun to give somebody a gift they need, but I think it's more like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, it's not about something you need. You know, it's, it's like the fun about gift giving is like, oh my God, you know, like, I can't believe you got this. I think that's like the thrill of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. Um, yeah, a lot of people don't, you know, I don't know. They just don't want to spend the money. I understand that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, very interesting. I mean, people's relationship with money is fascinating. Everybody's. I know. Very interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my dad was a big gift giver. He loved to get, and like that was how he showed, um, affection, you know? Was like, I mean, you know, he also was affectionate, like he'd give you a hug, a kiss, but it was, I think it's something I saw modeled after it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Yeah, I think I, I mean, like, you know, I, I give gifts to family and friends and like, yeah, it's, it's, I mean, if I get you a gift, obviously you care, right? Like, why are you buying somebody a gift if you don't give a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Speaking of awesome stuff. Sure, go ahead. We got this follow up email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, update on Garth's jet. Do you remember we played the Garth jet? Um, do we have it here? It probably isn't here, right? Uh, yeah. So this was, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple weeks ago, we showed you that Garth's, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the, on the jet. I don't know, there's shit specks everywhere. Oh my God. But the carpet had just an incredible amount of, oh man. It's just like some of these bowels just exploded all over the room, you know? Here's the update. Are you ready? I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, just to update, the stain would not come out of the carpet with an industrial steam cleaning carpet cleaner. He took the plane to Ireland with the shit stains still on. He played like, he sold 400,000 tickets in a weekend in Ireland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like deep in the carpet and we told them it either had to be replaced or do a treatment that would take several days to cure and they didn't want to do either of those things. Someone who manages his stuff here at the hangar watches YMH. My boss billed them for the work and they immediately paid it and told us not to expect the business anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I think we had also talked about the fact that somebody said he wasn't, they weren't keen on paying their bills or something, right? That's what the someone said that the guy who emailed us had said that he was not great about paying the bills. So they were like, here's the bill paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's not the art, that's not, are you talking about the pooping? Or no? No, I erased it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, oh, you're talking about Garth, ehm, being a murderer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Now there's a new, a new article about why the internet is calling him a mass murderer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you play Garth Brooks Murderer, I'm sure somewhere on the uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it is. That's it. That's the one there. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The internet seems to really believe that Garth Brooks could be a murderer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I left a comment on something he posted a little while ago. I think I sent it to you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a small business owner, you know how important it is to be ready for the insane holiday season. If you haven't started preparing for the chaos of holiday mailing and shipping, you're already falling behind. Luckily, Stamps.com has everything you need to make your whole life a lot easier. It's the 24-7 post office that you can access from anywhere. No lines, no traffic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No hassle. Stamps.com is your one stop shop for all your shipping and mailing needs for more than 20 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. Get access.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] inflation on the rise, every dollar counts, protect your margins,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With major discounts on USPS and UPS rates up to 86% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get ahead of the holiday chaos this year and get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale, no long term contracts or commitments. Just go to Stamps.com slash mom and click the microphone at the top of the homepage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hit it and just kept fucking- That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, you don't want to be out in the middle. You probably want to go into one of the canals or something. One of those channels off to the side. Less traffic. No wake zones. I wouldn't drop anchor in the middle of the lake and be like, I'm going to swim here. I don't think I would do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually people in the middle are, like have just fallen off, you know, from like wakeboarding or something. But yeah, it's always, it is something you get to pay, people die like that every year for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of accidents, uhm, this is pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty impressive. Thank god for people like Skip and I wonder if those guys that hit you have been deported or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like, um, old school American. This is the right thing to do, ma'am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have his information? I sure do. Oh yea, you have to. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you say something courteous and somebody doesn't acknowledge you and that is equally upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe she didn't speak great English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also give a room for people to be kind of zoned out, which is, I can also be guilty of, you know, just like your minds, you know, they don't, what's that? And you know, I said, bless you, like that kind of thing. Um, and overt, like the one that also is kind of weird to me is holding the door open for someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the best thing I've ever heard him say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got so mad at me. He goes, you can say bless you to grown ups, but if you say bless you to another kid, you're in big trouble. He's like, I'll be very, very mad. He was. You say bless you to me and my brother only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't want you extending that courtesy to another child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he went on a, it wasn't like kinda, and then he went in the car. He was like, just to be clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say bless you to me and my brother only and grownups, not other kids are big, big trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a lot of fun. We had a good time. Yeah, good. Check them out. Man, they're treat hounds too. They're just like all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny because the big boy, our older kid is six. He actually does this thing. He's like, I'm good. He's like, I'm fine. Thank you. I've had enough. I'm like, all right. And the little guy's like, how about tomorrow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a fucking dog, but the six-year-old is more like... It's a good mount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it was definitely more of a bomb thing. I mean, you know, he would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring you probably what she, you know, mom made soup or mom said to take this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that he's got fans, like sexy women are even fucking sitting in videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, but I mean, it's such a cleansing experience, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, don't you need to be a little elevated though? Like, do you stand on a platform of some kind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beginning at first, right, then squatting down? Your feet are on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, also I think it actually is, it's, you know, human beings, obviously we squatted onto the ground for hundreds of thousands of years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're acknowledging that you're dehydrated, so you're not, you don't care then that you are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, your system, first of all, is going to be less flushed out, like water flushes the toxins in your system. So that's number one. Most people who are chronically dehydrated are going to have, they're going to have like headaches more than they even realize, more fatigued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you're dehydrated, especially if you exert yourself in any way. Shit I'm spazzy as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't you saying like contradictory things? This is the source of my issues. Also, I don't want to remedy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the people who, if you start developing kidney stones at a young age, you're going to be prone to getting kidney stones. And that's going to be something you deal with on a regular basis if you stay chronically, uh, dehydrated. Dehydrated. It's painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. That is what my uncle invented to remove kidney stones. And that's going to go in your dick hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's still, they're still in hospitals. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's very sweet. She'd be like the... She's cute. She'd be the first one to report you for a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you laugh at stuff that you shouldn't laugh at. This is something that I saw that actually made me really sad and I did not think to laugh at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I've seen people fall off buildings and all that, but not a sweet supercar, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how long it takes to fucking make one of these? No, they're so good. And how, like, what incredible performance you get out of one of these. I know. I can't tell because of the damage which one it is, but if that's like a 765, I would put a fucking, a group of homeless people on fire before I put that. It's a 720S, they're phenomenal. They are phenomenal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, now you know what I don't think is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, so. Alright, let's see some more, uhm, funny stuff. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In India I like the spinning saucer on a beam and it malfunctioned and I think there was a couple hundred people on that or something and a lot of injuries, lots and lots of injuries. Funnier than the McLaren on fire. Yeaah. Kinda makes you wonder whether people valued this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You almost got it. He with the screwdriver made the car go from neutral to drive. He did it himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, how about something that's a little lighter? You want something lighter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, football season's here. I'm going to enjoy that, watching the games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, yeah, I enjoy it, you know, it just, it does remind me, it is, it's like, it reminds me of being a kid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what is crazy is the numbers that like the people that watch that game. It is a fucking monster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Brazil is the biggest population by far of South America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soccer is also a religion in both countries. And they've had some of the best players ever from both countries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is fucking real crazy when they play soccer down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even like the inner city matches are insane. We've played before a clip. There was a city match of two of the big clubs in Buenos Aires and they were like, uh, fans were throwing bricks at the bus windows and cracking the windows. They had to play the game outside of the city just to like play the game. People get fucking nuts down there. Yeah. They love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you've seen like wild fans for, you know, big sports match, you know, games here and like baseball, football, basketball, and then you see soccer fans and you're like, oh, this is a different level. Real, real crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, and that's like the whole city going. By the way, you know what the attendance was? Uhm, at the Italian Grand Prix. This is the Formula One race. It was 337,000 people. Isn't that insane? That's like a fucking mid-market city going to a race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's a, that's a, it's, I think it's the, uh, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Track the circuit that has been, had hosted the most races, is Monza. Uhm, yeaah. But yeaah, that is an incredible attendance for something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, um, pretty significant. They were super pissed. They were in the lead for most of the, or a lot of the race. And then they got second because they're stopping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uhm, yeaah, it's, it's so many fucking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good manners. Good manners, yeaah. I like these fucking animals in the booth. Who are like, thanks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Heather, thanks. Thanks for acknowledging, you know. Uhm, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have uhm, sometimes during the week a nice lady comes and helps clean the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day, uhm, she just happened to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was coming from working out. I walked in the bedroom, you know, I'm just coming from a workout. She happened to be in there cleaning and then she left. And I got this idea that I would tell you that she had spotted me nude, right? And I was like, oh, and so I, when I saw you, I go, Hey, you know, the cleaning lady, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she told me not to worry about it because her husband has a huge dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then later on you're like, was that real? And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, the donkey. And I was like, yeah. And the reason I associated with that is there was a story one time in the news about a guy who had some enormous growth on his penis. I remember that guy. And they called him El Burro, um, in that like little village. They called him the donkey. So I tied the two together. And, um, anyway, yeah, yeah, I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not how it happened. You didn't say that. No, the way I just told you, you were in New York and I was like, and you're like, I'm at dinner and I go, you want a fun story to tell your friends at dinner? And you're like, what? And I go, yeah, that cleaning lady, El Burro thing is a joke. And you're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I take it back. Take what back? It really happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually regret, uh, not keeping it going more, because I think it would have been a fun, it would have been really fun if I came home and you were like, I told her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that really happened. The poop aisle was such incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm just trying to tell you that, you know, I came clean about the one that made up. That was a fun story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you look at the color, you know, the color is an indicator, essentially, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean also though, it can, it can be influenced by, you know, like vitamins and supplements. Those would usually give it a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God, I'm so excited that, um, uh, Sam the tailor reached out. Yeah. He has been, uh, what's it called? Um, we, we messaged each other and then we talked on the phone. Yeah. It's fucking awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, he was, uh, trying to see what he said. Oh, Rosh there is. So he gave me, um, this email and he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, thank you for featuring me. I love what you both did. Make a suit for both you and Christina. Send me your measurements. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most socially, like as a kid, college, when like white dudes are the gayest, when like white jokes, like they're so gay in college, uhm, black dudes were always like, no, no, we're not doing that. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty, uh, that was pretty universal. And like uhm, well actually in like hip hop all the lyrics changed. Like it used to be like openly more like, fuck that gay shit. And now it's like, ah, you can't really say that. But it used to be very, it used to be pretty aggressively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Keisha was not, you know, just not celebrated. You got that beautiful mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so that was the dude, if you're, don't know who we're talking about, he would do, he would do like sex toy, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, reviews, sex toy reviews. He'd be like, I just got this butt plug that vibrates. You put your dick in this guy. Another guy puts his dick in the other end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and then, and then it was so bizarre that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Netflix had a series come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was about scams or something. He was like one of those, you know, like documentary style things. And he is featured just like as a regular dude talking about some type of like scam and everybody was like, this is the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody go, we tried to get in contact with him, somebody somehow had his email. Oh my god. But I think he was like, I'm good. I mean, he probably made those videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20, 15 to 20 years ago? They were definitely dated. They looked old. Maybe more than that. They might have been made like 30 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like those were probably done on VHS. And then like they, uh, they just, I don't know, probably got passed around or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's also, that is, you would say that's at least. Well, here's the funny thing, we found this one first, and then somehow we found one that was like, way older than this. But yea, play this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, every guy's been there, man. You don't want to and then you do. You pop too fast. Well no, I think we did this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was a wider shot before. I think I remember having a conversation about this, about like, we can't play this and it was like, punch in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the funny thing was, we actually found a video of him reviewing something. I'm serious, it was like from the 80s. There it is!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was, this is something he's been doing for a while. Looks great there. Yeah, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if he hated the fact that that's supposed to be a vagina. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I got this new fucking Samsung Galaxy, you guys wanna see it?


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[Assistant] I think though, I mean, obviously though, that, that's old as fuck. I know, he's origina-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably like, how old do you think he is in that one? Late 20s? Yeaah. Right? Maybe 30? He's probably a 60 year old man now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you gotta, we gotta find the Netflix thing that he was on. I fucking forget what it was. But it was, is that it? OMG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know. It's either his lover or his dad. I think it's his dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the producer right then was like, Hey, is this you? And he shows them and their dad's like, Pete, what is this? It's like, I fucking, I told you, I, I review toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just some people that have that, you know, that like lack of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this one? This is fun, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was the boss about it. He's like, eh, he knew what it was right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, not this little guy. I've been with him since he was a cub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I got a singing telegram for ya. Ba dum ba dum bum. Your sister Rose is dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end here, these eyes look like, I don't know, there's something, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And you were like, no, I feel like actually, you know, really getting out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they say, same strokes for everybody. Everyone's the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it would be weird for the kid one day to be like, what the fuck? Oh my god. What were you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did you always put it out there? How much- you fucked. So crazy. I know. There's an open record of this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he'll be like, why did you have to make videos about it? And she's like, I just, it's how I express myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a, you know, primo thing that people learned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, make in their cells, like on the DL, like they get coffee packets and you know, it's like a premium thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. You don't get to like sleep in. They wake people up. So that kind of sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smart, that's good advice. This is really good for, if you're about to go to prison, I would listen to what she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting all that grime under your nails all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The raw brain is equally insane. He's just fucking eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She seem like a nice lady. They always do. It's always so funny. They always do. Like when you see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, could I imagine this person? And then you go, I don't think of this person as a prison type. And then you learn she's like, it was a assault. It was a, you know, aggravated assault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good times. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Go see Christina P on tour. See me on tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out the store, store.ymhtstudios.com and we will see you guys in two and two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, yeaah, he, we have him and he comes up, we ask him questions, he's like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, it doesn't, we've learned it, money doesn't indicate it. Yes. And like, if you do get money, cause like my family grew up poor, like my mom, my parents did. And then my dad was like, you know, kind of the dirt bag contractor with like, would get some money and then blow it. They would come repo the car and they're like, you know what I mean? Just like that kind of shit. So it's like, you can only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can only, you can't fully ever shake your past. You can't. And like, I'll be a little bit more classy than my parents were, than my kids will be hopefully a little bit more. Sure. But at some point, like you can't just jump generations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think of that story for 20 years. Yeaah. And we used to say, you see it click in their eyes. They like, cause if you go on, people go on a podcast, like we play the hits of like, hey, this story, this, that, let me get into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At baseline, middle, and then there was years of upper middle. I don't know what that line is, but like, we had a nice house and cars and you know, stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sell it to Dollar Store? That's not, that's not great. We were an Helios family. Yeaah. That's how we rolled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I don't mind it. All that, the cheese, the meats and cheese is my wife's, uh, German. So like, that's just introduced to me in my late twenties of like, you don't buy shaky cheese, you get a chunk of Parmesan and shred it yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's say you're eating your burger, right, you pick it up, you take a bite, do you put it back down that, or do you invert it and put it on the top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like chain like that? Yea, chain. We got into a real big fight with Stavros about this. Oh, I love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think there's definitely an accident involved, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So dumb. This is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? I'm coolin'. Oh yeaah. I'm coolin' da. I'm trying to tell y'all now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And them drawers. Them little bikini drawers. Oh yea, my baby. I'm trying to tell y'all now. Yea, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was like, when I was a kid, like mid, like, I wanna say like hot, like early high school, middle high school, we're on a flight to Israel. It's a long game. And I am, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting with my sister and my mom and then all of a sudden something happens where I'm like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's like, it's a trip to Israel, so it's a 12 hour flight, so all the windows are down, I'm like, oh, everyone's asleep, this is good. And I go to the bathroom and like, I need visual stuff to do things, and so I'm trying my hardest to like, think of stuff, and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, I've had this idea since middle school. And it's stuck with you? Well, I'm just like, I'm gonna keep recircling back to this idea until I think it's not stupid and then I won't get it. And like, I've still always thought it was funny and cool. Because it's stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was one time where he just casually mentioned, he was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna talk about this. I don't wanna talk about this. After him and my mom divorced, my dad all of a sudden started taking yoga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he would tell me, he's like, took another one down this week, Nadav.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was like, it was like, she's having fun right now, but I think she's not going to look back on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Where are you staying this weekend? I read poetry and sonnets and he plays the upright bass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just have a good rhythm together, you know. He sort of feels me out, I feel him out. And, uh, we go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. Who's that? I don't see. It just looks like it's young Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yea, this one was just a still image. Let me see if I can find that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 6X and higher, 34 inch waist and higher, sum towards 6.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they need dramatically more sleep than men. I can always say this. A man can get away with seven to eight hours. Sometimes I need six. I don't encourage six. But the idea is a woman needs eight to ten hours. And the key is what's called hormonal reserves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, if you think of it this way, women depend so much on their adrenals to produce even daily hormones. Men does not. Men can produce maybe 2-3% of their adrenals and 97%, 98% is produced by testicles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Testicles work if you're sleeping or not, Suzanne. That's kind of funny you say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women need a certain adrenal reserve of hormone being produced to create their whole anabox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women need a lot more sleep than men. Women need uninterrupted sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men can get away because a lot of their vitality, a lot of their repair is done by testosterone and it's mainly made by the testicle. Yes, there is a small amount and maybe a small amount can do it that way, but I would tell you right now, men need a lot less sleep than women and women need good sleep between eight and 10 hours to create the hormone reserves for them to have a great day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This aircraft was all tourist class. There was no business class, no first class. It was tourist from flight deck all the way to the tail. This is a Flutone sofa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I use this power bank. It's the Energizer. I use it to charge my song. I also use it to charge my laptop. One of the things that you absolutely need is Baby White. This is Target brand. It's the up and up brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this scent, uhm, these hold up really well and I use these for cleaning. Most targets have them in stock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi guys, there are five things that you need if you want to live in your car as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She really knows how to hustle. She should have been like a salesperson or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those on here that apparently haven't got the Membo, I'm an elder, trans, queer, revolutionary anarchist. Okay? So, my political affiliations and stance on things are gonna be kind of fiery. Oh, really? FYI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. We're here with a very special guest. Just a quick pop in. You know him as professional go-kart driver, Daniel Ricardo. Daniel's here everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, it's formula one week here in Austin, Texas. Daniel, thanks for stopping by. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hey, did you see me take that corner at 190 miles an hour today? Yea? No big deal. Get on your knees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, no, but you know what, uhm, it is like, uh, I think the Netflix show, Drive to Survive, I don't know what your guys' actual personal opinion is on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, it has broadened, right, your audience, where F1 is traditionally very like popular in Europe, I think in the Middle East, and then it's considered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And elite level, like if you're into F1, like everyone knows the fan base has, you know, it's all like private jets and, and like Rolex, like it's all like this elite sport. And I feel like it's broadened your sport into like more like, uh, blue collar people are like, this is fucking wild. I didn't know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and it makes you appreciate the skill level. I think, you know, the, one of the things, the aspects that I love about the show is like, if you're a football, like an American football fan, you really start to appreciate the separation of a, let's say a really good college player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he gets in the NFL and maybe doesn't make the team and you're like, what? How is that even possible? Like he just, he misses it by this margin. And you guys would, or the show would highlight, you know, like a formula two driver, right? Like the, the tier below coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just like, not pressing and not, not making the cut and you're like, this guy is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that was, and the other thing that, you know, you start to develop an appreciation for is just like how that whole team has to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was you, where you were pulling out of the pit and like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was you maybe. And like the, you know, the tires didn't come on. Like they, they went to like, cause it's so fast tires off on and they didn't go and you're like, how the fuck can that happen at this level? But it does. And then it changes like that whole race and maybe it has an effect on your season. That shit is super dramatic too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they had Schumacher's, one of, uh, his old Ferrari's, uh, here. And it's tiny! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cuz that's uh, that's uhm, 2.2. So it's 73 times 2.2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, no, you haven't seen me draw, I'm super scared. And you need a divorce with all the... Let me ask you this. Oh, that too, damn it. So, in comedy, the groupies are called chuckle fuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things that the show highlighted to me was the fact that it feels like, and this might be like such an entry level amateur question, but it feels like the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A good part, a good amount of the teams are just participating for the sake of participating because they don't have, well, you learn like the money behind the, you know, like the big teams are like, you know, Ferrari, Mercedes, like where you guys have like, where there's these hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollar teams. And then the other teams, they're like, you see a driver who'll go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can't really compete with these guys. We don't have to name them all, but with these guys. So it'd be great to switch to like essentially a wealthier team. Are those cars not at the level? Like how much of this is the car when you have elite drivers where you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know is that car just really not competitive with the other guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of fascinating to watch you guys, like also you see this on the show, especially because you're, you're seeing behind the scenes kind of conversations, get into a new car and go like, yeah, this is fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your guys level of skill because you hear, hearing you talking to your pit and being like, you know, you guys feel and sense everything. So like in such detail because you're so experienced and so elite where you go like, wow, this car really is an adjustment for this driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on a, when you reset and like obviously you take breaks and stuff, but how do you stay like, you know, like obviously like a basketball player can keep shooting. Do you just hit tracks and, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, Lewis Hamilton, um, uh, Verstappen, like who would you be like? This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not. Do you guys have, do you guys have preferences for the races that take place on a circuit versus city streets? Like is, is that generally, like is it unanimous amongst drivers? Like we prefer this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are the ones I think as a spectator that you go, it is so crazy that they're not all crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are you guys, do you stay conscious of the last time you took in fluid when you raced?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys have a name? Is there like a, a name you give to drivers who bought the team? I'm sorry, to drivers whose dads bought a team versus got their way there? Like do you guys call them something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's the thing I get too is that if you, if you are on the grid with like the other F1 drivers, you're not like an okay driver. Like if you made it right, like even if your dad bought the team, it's like you're, you know, you wouldn't be able to hang if you don't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I guess yours? I really haven't looked it up. I don't know. Alright. September? No. Okay. Are you summer? July. July?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With an exclamation mark. I know you gotta get going, so just, we never played our opening clip, so we're gonna play our opening clip. Oh yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And happy to announce, right now you can get, I exaggerate my brushes with fame, Kevin's new book that highlights your absolutely extraordinary ability as an artist. Your paintings are, seriously man, the first time I saw this I was like, that's not, the Kevin I know doesn't have this ability.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically entertaining you, but dream analysis is like usually if it's a trained person, they're trained to, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, have people that you have painted, obviously you know some of these people, have you had people go like, oh I love this, like I love what you did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you sit down to first sketch or, you know, paint, something like this, how long is a typical session, like if you're going to do something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a little different each time. I mean, that's the thing you find out after you stand up long enough is that like, that's why I, I always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always resent the term when people are like, this guy's a genius. I'm always like, no, he's not actually. And I, and only because I feel like I've been around it long enough and I go, there are really proficient, like really incredibly proficient comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do like gimmicky things, things that you would kinda go, oh really? Which again I think is good for you to see. And I also feel like, uhm, none of them in comedy ever, like nobody in stand up ever makes me go, oh my god, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a level that none of us, I actually think it's all attainable. Amongst the great comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. You get, I get like more of like this, you know, some comics really make me laugh and I enjoy and appreciate how funny they are, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them are just brilliant at like their observations and their stand up is fantastic. What I'm saying is like, when I hear people glorify somebody so much, I'm like, it's not really, especially when you see, I don't know, for me, I guess maybe it's cause we do comedy, but I'll see somebody in music and I'll be like, that's another level of comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what I, when I say like for genius, uh, as far as Robin Williams for me, is that once I saw him as an actor, I was like holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that, that to me left me with a bigger impression than even with a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. That, I don't know, that has a bigger impact. For me, personally, I'm like, this is unbelievable. I've noticed that a lot of comedians are good actors, dramatic actors. Yeah. Ooh, dramatic, definitely. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A real dark and sadness to them and then they can tap into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a, is this a Ted talk? Uh, no, it's even better. It's Dan Pena, uh, at his, uh, private residence in, I believe Scotland, uh, giving a business talk to some cunts, to some weak little cunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my head. Right. You're, uhm, you're gonna go, like, aggressive, like pull back everything, do... Do it all at once. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I just go like, oh, don't have seconds of that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. If I see mold, if I see like a bug or something or, you know, some type of growth, if it smells like somebody farted into the thing that I'm eating, I'll be like, hmm, but other than that. Does that happen often? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think if you were a single man, you would use social media to... Dating apps. Yea, but I mean like just to announce like who you are, what you're looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of life is really probably do like, I mean, I've, you know, I've joked about this, but I do think like following somebody around, following them home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Following them to a park or a trail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you had one of my, you had one of the funniest things I'd seen that you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those hangers are hers? Yea. Yea, they seem full, plump, you know. You like plump? I mean, you know, I don't have any complaint about, uh, breasts. I just think as a, you know, they're all good. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't allow women to be topless. That's the silly part, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just let them suction on for like 20 minutes. I don't know how healthy that is though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that like scared me. Scared me too. There was a, so I was on the swim team when I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? And you're like, I'm not changing, you know? And then, and then we were, uh, middle school basketball. Oh my God. And of course, you know, fucking of course basketball is black kids on the team. And you're like, holy shit. Never seen anything like this. You're just kind of like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm gonna, that's when I started like playing with myself, um, before getting undressed so I could get a little weight going, you know? Yeah, yeah, I get that. I get that. Totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Formula they use, cause they did it in front of me once. Really? Yeah, they take the heights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, both of the parents, and then they calculate, it's a pretty, it was a pretty simple formula. And then they, they can guess within two, two to three inches. Within seven to eight inches. Seven to eight inches. But within two, they said with, I think they said within two inches, the formulas has like a 96% accuracy. You can also do like, I think bone density in your hand or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Add the mother's height to the father's height in either inches or centimeters, add five inches for boys, or subtract five inches for girls, and you divide by two. That's the- Let me get my calculator out of here. Yeah. Uhm, what's the other- Oh, David Robinson had the most famous growth spurt, I think, that I've heard of. You ever hear about David Robinson's? No. He graduated high school, I believe, 5'9". And he ended up being 7'1".


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went to the naval academy and then they were like, you can't be in any fucking military force. What are you talking about? Giant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then plus five. Yeah. And divided by two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never was that good. Yeah, but you know, it's still, it's kind of like when you wake up in the morning and you're like, man, Hitler made that. It really kind of gives you a boost to your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watermelon, that would have been worth it. I saw, I saw, uhm, what's the guy, Craig T. Nelson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the book. It's called I Exaggerate My Brushes With Fame. Kevin Nealon has portraits and stories. Dude, you really are an incredible artist. You really are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You end up doing something irrational


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets are on sale right now for YMH Live, a very cool Christmas, December 9th. Join us, we have YMH Originals special guest, Bobby Lee, and a whole lot more, a very, very heavy segment. VIP package with the great Josh Potter, go to livestream.ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most above all is balls. That's what I, you know. That's your jam. I always go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Go there and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I'm a huge fan. I've slept on all of them. You gotta try one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it kind of faded out, but it was pretty rad. You bet I'm coming up in May. It's a nice shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, for people that are curious, second degree burns, not third degree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have second degree burns and I have creams and solutions and yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm, no. It hurts with everything else, though.


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[Assistant] Sweating like a, like a black man. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. It's just exciting to have all these buttons here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what I did once, like, uh, once I tried to open the door and it was locked, so I knew, but you couldn't hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then one time, I still remember I was in Milwaukee in the house, and uh, I said, I said something to my dad as he was walking up the stairs, and he was like, what's that buddy? And he had this smile on his face, and he had clearly just showered, and I was like, did you just have sex? And he goes, mhm. And I was like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. I still, that, that's in my head. But never, I thankfully...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't get to see or hear a fucking thing. Now, I did uhm, I was told the story about the first time I spent the night away from home, I went to cousin Bri-Bri's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And late, I don't know, let's say it's like 11, I was scared I wanted to go back home. So Dave walked me back home and, you know, we lived two doors down from them. So he just walked me down the street and I was, and we walked in the house. And I don't remember any of this, but they told me that we walked in and, or, you know, I walked into their room and I was like, what were you doing to mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the Muslims? The Muslims? I have a message for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, you know, I'm an auto enthusiast. I don't like people that speed down residential streets. I really don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, you know, it's a three wheel open top car. I mean, it seems like, see, it looks like it's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is illegal, I mean, I've seen them everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it must meet safety, you know, requirements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if, are those fast? Like the slingshots? Are they? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, 2.0, 4-cylinder engine, 178, so maybe it doesn't weigh very much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, 0-60 time is 4.9 seconds. I mean, that's not, um, you know, elite fast, but that's not slow. That's, I mean, that's moving for a 20 year old car. You know what I mean? Like that would be, that's, um, that's actually like decently fast, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I've only seen them on city streets, interesting enough. I've never, I haven't seen them, but it must be street legal, meaning you can take it wherever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also those smart cars, I think about that, you were saying the smart car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tiny, it's called a smart car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a crash test that involved one of those. It might be on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you go like, well how did this pass the safety?


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[Assistant] If you look at like a crash test on YouTube, cause like, it just gets...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this guy's like, it's cool. This guy's a dork. Yea, he's, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom! I mean, that's not even that bad. Considering, is there another one coming up here? They're gonna, they're gonna smash it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, that's it just hitting a wall. But imagine if a truck just like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like it would be worse than what we just saw though. That sucks.


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[Assistant] The hydration one though is a wild one. I mean, some of his stuff I'm like, okay. But he was like, pain ain't shit. I'd rather deal with the pain of kidney stones than drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the one I did hear about was Mike Pence. And I think it's much worse.


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[Assistant] You do? You think he does? You think he jerks off and lowers his bag into her mouth?


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[Assistant] Weird dude, he's definitely a weird guy. That's the fucking vice president too. So crazy when you think about who gets to the highest powers, positions of power in this country and you're like, this fucking guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It never changes, really. It doesn't matter who wins. Usually you're just like, this is who's fucking in charge of everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like you, if you think that they're really exceptional, that they were probably around before, like you couldn't have been alive during that time. We only qualify them as exceptional if you're like, I didn't get to witness it first hand. Cause if you witnessed it first hand, you're like, that's pretty much not an exceptional person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was pretty beloved. Not, but you know, nothing, it's never, it's never like unanimous. There's plenty of people that hate the fuck out of that guy. Yes. You know, and there's plenty of legit criticisms of him too. But yeah, I mean, I don't know, it's also weird that he was an actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should have a rule that, like, you have to be boring, kind of stiff, and just look over at data, you know, and then you can be president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always think it's like this guy and you're like no and then it's like that weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy who's like 5'7", 150, and you're like, look at that dick on this guy. You never know. You never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his Rolls Royce. He had that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was as the hurricane started to uh, you know, hit Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we found is P1. Oh no. It's a million dollar car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's not that hard to reproduce people. It is hard to reproduce a McLaren P1.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it is, it is a stunning vehicle and it's a collectible and there you go, just flush that fucking 1.2 million down the fucking, jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. I wonder what that insurance conversation is like.


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[Assistant] Technically, when these went on sale, they cost four hundred and six, and you're like, no, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you know insurance companies absolutely lose their shit. I mean, it's why you have it. Of course. When I lived in Florida, I mean, I was obviously a kid, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the time I was out in LA a few years into that, there was all these areas where they wouldn't even give you hurricane insurance anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like in LA, there's places in LA where they're like, you can't get fire insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's areas where they're like, no, he won't give it to you. That's what it's for. And they're like, I know. And we think we'll lose. So you don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the things is that this fucking guy too, it's like, what'd you think was gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you got the means. Right, you could have gotten a transport truck there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Or worst case, like worst. No, cause that probably would have not. But the worst case scenario is you get in the car and you drive it out of town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause he doesn't get the excuse. Some people go, I couldn't leave town because I'm poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I couldn't afford to leave town. I couldn't pay for gas and pay for a hotel and pay, and you're like, okay, this guy can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, you know who this guy is a thousand percent. But don't you feel like though, cause most people who vote, like, most people who go to, uhm, the voting booth, right? I don't know, they might know a couple of the people, maybe. Some of them are just like, you just see names, they see parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if somebody was completely uninformed and they're going to vote and they see John Kennedy, they're probably like, alright, like, just check it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the cold, if it's a cold floor on your bare feet, then you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. No, I don't like being cold either. I know what you're talking about. When you're browning. And then like a cold floor on a bathroom is, feels even colder than, you know, because usually it's tile or marble or something like that really carries the cold. So I know what you mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no one wants to shit cold. It's not, it's not, yeaah, it's not the idea. I mean also, if you go into, if you're somewhere that doesn't have great, uhm, insulation, and it's winter, and you go to the bathroom and it's cold, the whole experience sucks.


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[Assistant] Yes, for sure. I think you're gonna be alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pee pee as a guy, it's easy. Pee in the sink. No, I'm not just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But luckily, I mean, yeah, that is, but also that water, the amount of water is so, it's so great that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little bits of that, like, unless you're talking about crazy amounts, are not really going to affect it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, you know what, you bring up a good point, sometimes you just need a new system to deal with something.