[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then there's the other side too where you're coming from a really fucked up situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like piece of shit, people are doing bad things to you in the house you live in, you fucking hate your life. And you like just quickly go, Blackpimp, take me away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even ever have to touch her. Yeah. Literally, I'm, it's all, it's all me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're pimps of the hoe. You might be like, bitch I got a job for you. And then she's gonna throw you a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of it. Just all of it? A hundred and then you get, the more you work, you get spoiled. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find yourself with a real hoe. Like, before, before you even, when you're a rookie pimp, you get a veteran hoe. Oh, right. Now, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, just get your feet wet and then she'll probably like bring you a couple of- a real hoe can make a pimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can like pick you like you look like you could be a pimp. You kinda got the swag. Do this, dress like that, drive like that. When you walk in the room, act like that. Then she go get two other hoes and say, I got the greatest pimp in the world. Be with him. Next thing you know, you went from nobody to walking around with three hoes and they bringing you. How much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you look at your guy, he might be like flamboyant, and he's buying you a BMW and buying him a Rolls Royce. You're like, my BMW is nice, but look at he, you know. And he's the big boss, and you know, they get mad a lot too. I always get mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in my case, I party a lot. So I get a random phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there'll be like noise in the background. And I'm like, hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh you fucking partying, I'm out here, I just ran from the fucking police and you're partying? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you gotta, you have to be, you have to be, all that shit, you gotta be her fucking father, her fucking boss, her fucking accountant, her motherfucking psychiatrist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask him about his porn star relationships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it with all the media and stuff, the announcement and then the party and shit. So you're like, this is it, and everyone's like, oh shit, this is it. But at that time I had a, that was my 10th album. I remember. And it was unheard of in hip hop, like nobody had 10 albums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also very educational, it's like a re-education. Alright, I'm gonna get that shit for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the same time, yeaah. I never was into that thing where you like bang a chick, then like wash up and go bang another child. I never was into that shit. Before, at once. I was never into that, cause I like, I like to indulge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I'm indulging, it must be something I'm really into. I don't, I don't want that bang, get the fuck out and then looking around, bang, like that's not, I'm not a pervert like that. But the night that I had the four chicks, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they were all like rolling, super rolling, they were all feeling good and shit and, and uh, we were in a hotel room and I was messing with one girl. And, you know, she told the other girl, it was good. What can I try? Yea, it was good. They like passed me around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Pam and Tommy Lee thing, that was a scandal from the start, it was like a scam, it was never stolen or lost, it just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very boring. But she did make the dick come. She did. She made, she, she worked. She put in work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After they described it though, I recognized it from Japanese porn. It's some, it's some Japanese shit. Yeah, yeah, they love that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back then I wasn't really like participating in any like AVN awards and none of that shit. You hear these guys come along and they're like got the backstage passes to the AVN awards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a limo with KB one night and these chicks are like, porn chicks, they're like, I wish I could just fuck a regular guy right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, man, let me out the car. I think, you went in, right? Aye, maybe a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd I do? You were on it kinda, but it goes a little bit further than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once again, if you just listen to the words, it's actually, I'm the ref and I'm blowing the whistle on people who are doing things they shouldn't be doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not really the word bitch. In this song it talks about doing too much drugs, partying too much, staying up for days, just doing shit that you shouldn't be doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, you know, it talks about falling down hill and just, you know, just, if you can't hang with the big dog, stay on the porch. You can't do this shit, so. Cause you keep fucking up. So it kind of goes in life in general. If you see somebody fucking up, just blow, you know. Throw the whistle, hey man. Throw the flag on them, you know, whatever the fuck. So I was almost there. You were going up there, I was like, is he gonna get it? Alright, alright. Some little kids told me it means suck my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, an argument out there of where it came from, and I overheard that argument one day. And somebody was saying, I'm too sure I made that shit, I'm just gonna get the fuck out of here, that shit come- and they were logically putting it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All over the world and shit and I'm like nah, I gotta, I gotta own this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you definitely. So it's, it's cemented now. It's no dispute, no debate. It is solid. Too short. Sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made it, that's it. And I uhm, you gotta give a little credit to Rudy Ray Moore. Yep. Cause I can take you back to some of his songs when he's in Dolomite character. Yep. And he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and my rap partner back in the day, we didn't get it from him per se.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was one of our influences so, you know, indirectly that's where it ended up. So he's getting a little credit too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, you know, Snoop Dogg when he got with Death Row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, you know, I've seen comedians, I've seen it on TV shows. It is embedded in pop culture. People go, you should copyright it and own it. I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yea, a lot of hip-hop jewelers out here. I, I feel like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough one man, cause I got different kind of jewelry for different kind of reasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the bling bling is, you gotta have a purpose for it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally though, if you rolled up, with some big rims on your car,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some jewelry on. Start spittin'. Life will change. Yeah. That's all you need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my past, present, and future, there is, I'm telling you, you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a fucking superhero, you gotta, you gotta have it. You gotta have love. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's put it like this. The women, women in my life understand what I do for a living and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, don't let the music persona distort the reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you stop being a player right around uhm, right when it gets cold outside. And then you start back up like right around now. Right around now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's a lot of ways to go wrong with this shit too, like I know a guy who uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know a guy who was fascinated by the look of it and just the idea of it. So he went to an older pimp and he said, teach me the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the older pimp was like flattered, he was like, cause you know the guy had the look, you know, he was playing the part, but it wasn't really in him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the older pimp went for it, he's like, this is what you gotta do. And he like really schooled him for like a long time, like two fucking years or some shit. And this guy figured it out. But he did one thing wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first ho he ever had was his girlfriend. And they had been together and they were like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking in all, absorbing all this pimp talking shit. They're like, yeah, we gonna do this. So what happens is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She started working. She liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, realizing the dark side and, and realizing really inside him that he wasn't about that. Now he loves this woman. He loved her before they started this. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went from, from good kid to pimp to like church boy. Wow. He went straight to the church. Like it, it does it to you. You could, you could, man, you could end up in situations where you're so-called controlling these women and things happen to them. And that guilt, you can never get over that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you go out there and say, uh, go to work, get that million dollar baby. She never comes back ever in life ever again. Like, whoops. Yeah. And whose fault is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time, the first time I ever negotiated for a big check. I remember...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the check arriving and it was, uh, it was gonna come in increments, like four checks that totaled about like two million. Nice. So I figured they were gonna come quick too, cause it was like, we don't want to give you all this money in one day. We'll give it to you over like 90 days or some shit like that. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first one came, and logically knowing that there were more coming, I'm like, I'm fucking this one up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, literally, it's the dumbest shit I could ever think of. Uhm, it started...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was probably like 97 and it started uhm, like in one week I think I bought like a 150,000 dollar car. I bought a fucking 100,000 dollar boat. I went and bought two fucking jet skis with a truck to pull em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And fucking uhm, it was just like, it was a spending spree of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? This was the logic. You know what? I've been making this money, living this life, doing all this good shit. This one time, I'm just gonna fuck it all off. Yeah, yeah. I didn't do it a lot in life, but that one time I fucked it off. And about two years later,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went on a good roll too, cause I was like, oh that new beamer's out, oh. Oh no shit, they made a special edition, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So about two years I was like, I thought I was like this baller dude who, and hip hop was kinda preaching that shit at the time. That was the bad boy videos and the bling bling era and everybody was like platinum jewelry and diamonds and all this shit and people were spending a million dollars on videos and shit. It was just out of hand and out of control in hip hop. So I woke up, uhm, it was 1999.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all the talk was Y2K, Y2K, the possibly shit could happen, the computers aren't gonna reset, they're gonna reset when they're not supposed to. There's still be Y2K shit, right? Right, right. The world's gonna end at midnight, 1999, when 2000 comes in. They're like, have a bottle of water, have everything ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it was 1999, the world was about to end, and I looked out in my driveway one morning, I woke up, I had a big ass fucking house with like, a driveway that you could


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a three car garage, but the driveway could hold like another 15 cars. Yeah. I walk outside my house, there's three cars in the garage and there's like eight cars in the driveway and they're all mine. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I spend every day taking one of these fucking cars to the shop to get the stereo fixed or the rim, rims fucking rotated or the god, there's just, it was just so much shit. And it was that moment, that little two year period, I just realized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You stupid motherfucker. Like you really ended up with 8 cars and it's one driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've never done that shit. It was like a fire. I even uhm, at that point, something really great happened because it was this whole end of the world shit. I uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2000 kicked in, the world didn't end. And I was like, man, we got to do something spectacular. So I told like a bunch of my close personal friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, everything fucked up last year. I fucking lost every fucking dime I had. I think I'm about to lose my fucking house. Every- I'm fucked. I'm fucked. Cause I used to be the guy who would always take everybody to dinner. But, you know, everything's on me when we go out. Just everything. Make sure everybody make money. I just wanted to- it was an experiment. I was only gonna do it for like six months or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just like, I just told everybody for a lot, I was in the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Organizing music files and doing some personal, you know, shit. I had all this music, all these files, all this shit. I think mp3s were new. I was converting all my shit to mp3. And I just really like was, I thought the world was going in. So I really, I was like, I got a little free time in my hand in the world in there. So I played this trick and guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably about like 95% of my friends just quit calling. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, but in this industry you kind of know that you have acquaintances and you have friends. And I still have the same friends I had since fucking high school. So that just tells you how the shit went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to see. People say shit like this. You give a guy, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A $25,000 check for some shit he did in music. He's the guy who never had money like that. $25,000, you earned it bro. He goes, man, I fucking love you. I will fucking, anything you need, I will kill somebody for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was always my, like, red flag, is what it says. Like, no, that's not what the chick is for. But, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as their money's gone, they're like, they're like, yeah, like you got 25 more. You're like, no, that was, you only earned 25. Yeah. Like, well, fuck you then, man. Yeah. It's just, it's just funny like that. So yeah. So, um, yeah, that was, that was an eye opener. I've never had eight cars at the same time since then. I don't take on a lot of fucking close circle personal friends and you know, yeah, smart. You're in the circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was kind of like the green light for me was that we had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big, big, big names on the show. Russell Simmons and, I mean, it just, the list went on and on. Actors, sports players. And the Chanel and KB show, Chanel West Coast, from Ridiculousness. That was the highest rated show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was because he said shit like uhm. What the fuck did you say on that show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you say shit. Oh, he's like, he's like, uhm, we just have a normal conversation like this and then KB goes, yeah, like when Kim Kardashian got peed on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's all kind of people you know doing all kinds of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And later on, the people who tried to bravely put them out, it's just so boring for the most part. Nobody really made money like Paris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a picture of a brunette sucking a dick from the top of her head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about, uh, Oscar? He just went away too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] KB called me one day, he's like, this chick that you know is involved in a really big scandal. With a football player. He's like, can you do me a favor, call her right now and tell her, shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina P? If you're a pimp, you could just go buy a cigar. Oh yeah, see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can send a special shout out because you seem to be, you seem to be like, uhm, like you're, you care. I care about these holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ivy League escorts have Ivy League degrees. Nooo shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you gotta pay them a lot of money to fucking date them. Like a 50 grand weekend or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go back and look at the uhm, actual websites where you can like, go find these bitches. Ivy League escort and skip the games. I like it. Escort Ivy League companion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This became popular during uhm, like 10 or so years ago during a recession. Oh really? Yea, you end up, you pretty girl with a degree, broke as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. Makes sense. Oh, rich motherfuck, I need somebody to go to Greece with him. That's right. Yeah, it makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every Tuesday, you come to his office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eat your pussy or something, I don't know, he's like an old executive dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every first of the month he buys you like 25 grand. Come on. You also go to lunch, you fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, just work Christmas. Take tonight off, work Christmas though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dabbled because it came to me, I didn't go looking for it. And I'm like, okay, somebody says I'm gonna give you all this money every day, you gonna say no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hypothetically, uh, it is, uh, the most solid one in the crew who is the most trustworthy, who sometimes has seniority and who, you know, either has the temperament and the skills to cope him with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should be able to leave town for like three weeks and you have a bottle of this holding down. You're kidding. I did not know that. She secured the bag. The money's there and damn, everybody's still happy. I'm telling you, we should really get into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't really dealt with a lot of hookers that look like hookers, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is everywhere you want to look for it, it's everywhere. Very educational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not what you think, that's also a very socially conscious song about, about a victim of prostitution, not- Oh really? Who, in the end of the song, she triumphs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. And she pops that pussy, the pimp in the end. Damn. That's what the song is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why that works on some people. He was just like, girl, girl, my whole, my whole life's changing right now. It was ridiculous. You're my heart. Yeah. For real though. For real though. Girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know in those loose shorts, their dongs flop. Well no, they had tight compressions underneath those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that girl could be me, blonde. I mean, but that's, you think you're twins? No. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good. Those are bad. Big ones. Yum, yum, yum. Ugh. I wouldn't mind taking a bath. Okay. Alright, so. Do you dream about big black boobs? Uhm, I've dreamt about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open up your heart and your arms to me. Heart and arms is a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's not cool that you called the cops on me. I keep running. I keep finding me. I have this field here that I built for you. It was going to be where our house was going to go. Now I might have to, you know, bury you in it, but uh, I gotta go. Mwah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] U.S. military forces are, are on their way from what I understand and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll fall into the hands of the Northern Alliance and the Special Forces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was so angry in life. Oh, fucking cunt. This fucking bitch cunt. Fucking fuck you, you motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the one that tycoons at me? I feel like it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I hope it is. Takun, thanks very much. If it wasn't you, thanks to whoever else did it. Uhm, Gene, where you gonna be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to beeee, where, oh I'm in Tampa, uhm, you can probably still get in, those shows are sold out, but you can probably still get into the Hard Rock, at the Seminole Hard Rock in Hollywood, Florida, this March 9th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, from there, Madison, Wisconsin, myself, two shows. Still tickets available to the Late Show. Milwaukee, tomorrow, April 12th, Late Show has tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Nashville, April 14th Late Show with tickets there. Let's see, they added a show in Medford at the Chevalier, April 28th. You can get tickets to the Late Show there. All available at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are very excited about today. We had to pour new cement slabs under the studio. And we are going to have a lot of fun with my dear friend and your dear friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's gonna be a lot of fun. Alright, let's kick off this show. Let's get this party started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I, I thought we were just doing a little teaser. I didn't realize we were gonna get the whole, the whole thing to speech on that. I like it. I thought it was just like, you know, just real quick in and out, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be like reading a script and being like, hmm, what am I gonna do with these words?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty amazing. I don't know who did that. Do you know who, uhm, put that together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His life is not like, oh yeaah, I finally pulled it together and I can reflect back on that time. He's getting pissed on and beat on right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is really neat, uhm, I had a short scare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's what happened. So, I'm on the bus, we're about to get off the bus to go into the theater. I'm, I fart. Like, I'm gonna rip this fart right now. And I'm like, that's more than a fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I panic. Cause you don't shit on the bus. So I kinda like shuffle over to the theater. I drop Trow and I realized I don't see anything in the underwear. I'm like whew. But like I don't check my butt cheeks. I just sit on a toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let a disaster come out. Well here's the thing, I started having like a couple other loose ones after that. I'm like, fuck. And this is like an hour before the show, the first show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I asked him for Pepto. I used to drink some Pepto, drink a little soda, you know, try a little. And then I'm okay. I do the first show, I forget about it. I forget about it. Then I'm in the green room with Jeff Tate, and I go, check this shit out. And I go to fart, and I feel the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have the great, uh, Burt Kreischer is going to be joining us here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the, uh, last, or like a week ago at the, in Vegas. He posted that. I was like, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm, close. It's close. It's not good, whatever it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just, we're basically looking at a naked guy with a cloth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we uhm, we were looking at like who, cause remember when this all started? The whole fat shaming thing started when we were talking about that he kinda looks like Gerard Depardieu, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think he looks more like these guys. Like there's Dennis Hoff. That guy kinda has Burt's vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we've gotten into it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Oh yeah, yeah. He told me, he's like, we uhm, he, he got a grill for his bus. I think a grill company gave him one. He's like, we smoke meats and we drink until like four every night. Oh, bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not. What you learn is that it's not up to us. You can only try so many times, you know? You can't. It's up to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we, uh, should we go ahead and take a break and grab them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I get, I still, I mean, every, every city, everywhere, people yell shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert, fuck Bert! I like your tour bus! I'm like, alright, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say, like, the way that your face, like, that expression on your face is perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just, you tied one on. I was, I was vegan for a while. Right, for a while. Describe a while. Everyone has, it's kinda subjective. Roughly three days. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he also sends us- I don't wanna see. He group texts us pictures of his, uh, of toilet paper just soaked in blood. Oh my god. And he's like, I just pulled this out of my ass right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a fuck sleeve. It's like he got railed for months and years in his asshole. He's got a pink sock. Yeah, just kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, we get like the fucking bidets at home that are just game changers. Then you travel again and you feel like, what is it, the 1400s? I'm wiping my ass with paper. It's like going from private school to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's like, no, yeah, you're like, I'm better than this. So then you start spitting on your pay. It actually makes a big difference. Try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, wait, so let's say this though, uh, we made fun of my tour bus, you know, and my picture with my tour bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. It's called hot bagging. Hot bagging, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, they just shit in the bag on the bus. Or you can just buy like a two million dollar bus like Brian Regan and then you can just shit on your bus. Why is he enjoying it? Cause he has this state of the art, like they have like a grinder and all types of crazy stuff. He shits on his bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four different tour buses. Because I didn't, there's weeks where it doesn't make sense for like, when I'm doing Tamp on Lauderdale, I'm like, I don't want a tour bus for that week. Yeah, I'm like, uh, I don't want a tour bus for this, uh, week where I have Portland, Maine, and then I have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what I'm saying is, so those weeks don't, but then I have weeks where it definitely makes sense. Because of the way those companies work, I was able to get like quotes from different companies for all the different runs, compare them all, and then I pulled the trigger on the nicest one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that bus is like, it's way more than the one I'm on now. The guy, so the guy goes, uh, you know when you like, you know if you're at a restaurant and you might order something and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This doesn't, I don't know if this is a, this tastes right, but you'll second guess yourself, cause you're like, I don't really complain about the way something tastes, you know, like you're like, I don't want to make a thing of it. Right? So you go like, and then you eat it and you're like, nah, something, something's wrong with this. So like on the, one of the first, like second night on this bus, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I feel like it's fucking loud back here, like really loud. You know? Yea. So then I'm, like we're in the next city, and he's like, how is it back there? And I was like, well, I gotta be honest man, I don't wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uh, they, uh, rotated the tires, they replaced the rear axle, but she's got some miles on her, and she really needs some work. And I was like, so does this happen soon, or when's that get done? He's like, I don't know. I'm like, okay. And then it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he was like, hey, this water didn't really heat up. He's like, yeah, the plug came out. I told him. Soundbar also came detached and this TV's not working anymore. And I'm like, so when, like, do I, do I deal with this? He's like, yeah, just till it's fixed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, fuck that. I know, but I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything broke down. The guy, here's the thing though, what a difference, like, a nice, like, great driver makes. The guy's the best, and uhm, you know, it's not, like, it's not that big, like, I fall asleep, I get up, we're in the next city, I'm like, I don't care, man. Yeah, you're sleeping anyways. Yeah, I'm like, it's not that big of a deal. There's shit like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when the sound bar did work on the TV, the sound bar was dope. Like you could watch movies and like I was digging that, but for the most part this bus has been falling apart. And they'll fix it probably as I hop on that other bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, uh, cuz they know we're doing these ridiculous posts to each other. My bus was in D.C. We'd driven through, mind you, Jersey, Pittsburgh, Cincy, Cleveland, land in D.C. It's filthy. And they wrote Tour Bus Champ in the dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. The booze has nothing to do with it. Nah. The sit-ups. Or the diet. There's your, uh, where's the one underneath it? That's your Vegas picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you have those pictures of, like, the lookalikes? So remember how we had Gerard Depardieu at one time? Don't you think you kinda look like this guy? Dennis Hoff? Yea. No. You don't think you look like him? No. Look at his baby blues, just like yours. What about him in the white shirt though? Oh, there's Gandalfine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's who she is. No. Yeah. She's going to do a speaking tour pretty soon. Pretty cool, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think part of it too is the fact that, look, you're a celebratory guy, you're a fun guy, you're killing it on the road, you deserve treats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well see, here's the thing, I have a way, it's not even like a party thing or a version to it, it's just like, I've just, look, I'm just not wired to be a big drinker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're also like, you're doing the, uh, like it's almost like a performance of a play they know, you know? So I get that. I uhm, I never drink ever during shows. Before, during, I just, in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I usually have, I'll have a drink after shows once or twice a week. And uh, and usually it's maybe one drink. Sometimes it's two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If uhm, so the second show will end, I'll go to the green room, uh, whoever's with me will be hanging out in there. Music, I have like a speaker so we'll put music on, talk about the shows, talk about jokes, and then if I feel like having a drink,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have drink, sometimes we have post show meal, so I have a meal delivered as I'm coming off stage. So we eat, so it's like having dinner after the show. And then it's like, how important is the transportation if it's like, we gotta get going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we'll get on the bus, and uhm, you know, like I said, if I feel like having a drink that night, we have a drink, sit around. Sometimes I don't. So, sometimes I'll hit, uh, like a vape pen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go ahead. Tell us the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do stay up late, and I have trouble, I've always had trouble, you know, I have trouble falling asleep here, when I'm on the east coast, I'm fucked. That's the one thing that fucks me up the most, is uh, I don't even want to be up that late, and I'm still like, fuck man, it's 3.30 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started to do this, like when, cause you know when you get to the theaters, they'll say like, do you want food? You know, do you want to order a pre-show meal? Just have like an automated answer. Just be like, yea, grilled chicken, vet, like just, this way what gets delivered is good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll use it. Thank you. These are all audio, uh, recorded singles now. Yeah, yeah, good. They're online. Make sure you mark that, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Make sure you mark that. Yeah, we got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, good. Uhm, yeaah, we have this other, uh, footage of, uh, where was it? How is this? What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's his new special. Oh yeah, on Netflix you can watch it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I was even aware of what blackface was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of like awareness, it wasn't like, I don't think that people were, I mean I wasn't thrown around definitely in high school, but if I had seen it I probably, you know what I mean? I wouldn't have noticed it. It doesn't catch my attention as being as crazy as if you notice it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that I did the talent show in 5th grade, I did Young MC, uh, thing, but I wore a dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forget. I think I played the girl that's in the story. In Bust-a-Move?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. So like, I acted out. I got it. Now that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what we're gonna ask you. What do you think, like if you were orchestrating that hate crime, what do you think he did wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the police- when the police talk to him. Who keeps a noose on their fucking neck? The cops came to his apartment to interview him and he was still had it around his neck. And the bleach-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not good. It's not good for anyone. No, I know. I thought the same thing. It's just, it's... Nothing good's gonna come of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, and that cools your asshole off? Immediately. Feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know they smell good right now, but I don't think they're quite at that sour stage here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time you go- God, you're so gross. One time you go, I was on the phone with you and you're at home and you're like, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my finger smells real bad. I was like, why? You're like, it smells like shit. And I go, well, what'd you touch? And you're like, I don't know. And then you're like, oh, Leon just got upset. And I go, wait a minute, you don't know why your finger smells like shit? And you go, uh-uh. I go, were you toying with your asshole? And you go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, the Hardcore Fun shirt is now in our store. Uh, it's at your mom's house. New item exclusive. Go to Tom Segura, or at MerckMethod.com slash Tom Segura. I don't think, I don't know if it'll be up as a, the recording of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's the new bike stuff, there's the new mouse pad, there's gonna be a special water idea you're gonna see very soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a poster that this designer made. He uhm, he's awesome. He listens to the show and he just designs posters for me. He'll just come up with things and he put this one, tour bus champ was the theme. And he puts the location and all this, uh, you know, me on it. And then right behind the bus, you were squatting, taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen, uh, Bloodwave? The trailer for Bloodwave? No, what's that? The Netflix doc? No. Oh my god. This is... Can you play it? Yes. Turn it up, turn it up. This is pretty cool. Check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, people sent that in a long time ago, but apparently, I've never seen this. They're still sending it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, it's a fun name. It's a great name. You don't hear it a lot either. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically talking about the weight loss challenge. It's a teacher who's uh, it's usually we get like English as a second language teachers, and like when they're just trying to come up with sentences, they'll just, you know, they'll throw in something like, and then what happens if you eat too much, and then the kids go, you get like burnt, like that. I don't know, they just send it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that when they're like, uhm, when it, actually, the only person who will say something to you, like to my face, will be like a really fat guy. Or the most abusive fat comment, you're like, who's this? Guy will be like, 380. He's like, hey you fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I don't like the really mean stuff. I thought there was like a circle of people that we kind of, like, Bert's not racist, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you realize that that was an off the cuff comment though? That started it? You were just sitting down, we were promoting. It was a perfect, it was a perfect storm. And we're like, here's the fattest and, and we just paused, like what's another bad thing to say? Uh, super unapologetically racist guy. And like, that was it. Yeah, that was the beginning of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about this tour by the way. You maniac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your tour is a huge success. Probably bigger than you ever thought it would be. Way bigger than I ever thought it would be. And uhm, everywhere you're adding shows, you're fucking touring every week like a psycho. So when are you, what's the next stops for you that you want people to come to? Where are you going to be? I know you have everything, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're talking right now. For real? Yeah, the main thing is I didn't want to announce it, uh, way ahead of time. I was like, you can't put me in a position where I get fucked. So we have to announce it closer to the date. So when will it be? Well, I mean, I would announce it later in the year. So it'll be later in the year? In the fall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did it bother you? What? When we did Sober October?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll milk him through a table, you know. That'll be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing about the hot yoga. It kind of sucks. It is doable. It's about going there. What if it was more like a spin class kind of thing? Like that sucks. It's doable, but you don't want to go fucking 15 times in a month, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean going to, like I think going to the, like making yourself go to the class and knowing that you can miss a day, but man, you better not miss too many. That made it interesting to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do think you're like, you, uh, enhance it for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we'd love to keep it in the steak house wheelhouse, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, I mean, we have a couple, there's just a Korean steakhouse that's looking to do something, but they only want to throw us a few hundred bucks, you know? I'd rather have one of the big dogs do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% true. I've always told people this. You're an excellent cook. You are. Thank you, thank you. I mean it genuinely and sincerely. You are. I think back on those early days when I was coming over, we would go over to their apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I was looking, I was, I would look at going to your place almost like, you know, when you go home from college, I'm gonna have some good food when I'm home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next thing was, I saw him like a week later and he was like, guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like really? Cause I told him you said I was burping a lot and then I was thinking about it and talking about it to him and I definitely have like some acid reflux problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also, by the way, aside from you, you have told me, everyone told me, my whole life, they're like, ah, you need to slow down. I was gonna say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he'd eat a steak in four bites. I was like, are you alright? He'd be like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also feel like, do you do the thing, this is a super fat person thing where you're like, well, like even, it's really good, but I'm totally full, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, you walked through and she's like, here it is. And you're like, ugh, I gotta take a shit pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He will be that dad when they, when they come home from the, they'll bring a friend when they come home and he'll be like, hey, you guys want to rage tonight? Dad's going to get the queue fired up. Who wants some smoke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a surprise. I figure that some of the friends, here's the thing, are any of the friends guys, boys? No. Yea, when they start having, I don't even mean like, I mean a boyfriend, but like a friend that's a boy, the friends are gonna go nuts for you. If like, uh, this is uh, you know, Kyle, I have class with him, he's gonna go fucking crazy. Your dad's a machine. Oh, he's gonna love it. He's gonna love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why I never got picked up. If it makes sense. It was designed for Burt. Like literally you couldn't have anybody else. And the pilot was hilarious. Hilarious. And they knocked it, they shut it down immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes, can I do it with my tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'd be like, you know, like, uh, uhm, a divorced mother or a struggling family in the Midwest, uh, the mother works at a plant and the father does this and they have three children. And then they would be like, yeah, that's, yeah, that's a real show. But then we could come up with these


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ridiculous descriptions of shows, so it would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a man, uh, lost his legs in a war, but through the, through prayer, he became a champion boxer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, it has alcohol. We're like, you paid for this show. It was called Buzzed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the Bodyshots World Tour is, uh, is everywhere. Uhm, he's going to, it seems like there's some tickets left in Australia maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, we gotta do that for Ari. Oh, he'd love this butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do butthole, then we put, what I wanted to do during the Sober October thing was get him a rental car with uhm, just like honk if you think I'm funny kind of quotes on there. And just put like ha ha ha ha ha all around the bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like jokes? Knock on my window. Yeah, let me know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been sticking in my mind the way you said that you were thinking about making another video for Julia. I just want you to erase that from your past. Erase it from your memory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See myself having a future with you, falling in love with you, and I think we should go full throttle. Wish you a happy holiday, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to tell our Red Table Talk family that, you know, this is going to be a difficult, sensitive topic. We are going to be talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause you and I have already had some conversations that we've gotten pretty tight about. Yeah. I'm really talking about all our biases cause the sad part is, is that I realize I got some serious prejudices and biases myself. So. There's a racial divide between women of color and white women. We don't talk about it much, but it's real and it's deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that really breaks my heart is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I have to admit, I'm guilty, cause I do have my own biases. Specifically with blonde women. Blonde hair on white women just triggers me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so did you have a specific incident with someone who had blonde hair? Absolutely. All throughout my childhood. I do remember experiencing being teased by white women in regards to my hair, how I looked, you know, feeling belittled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I didn't know there was a backstory. Oh yea. The question that I get about Chris Gaines is, what's it like to play two different people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the answer is first let's get one thing straight. I'm not playing two different people, I'm playing one. The Garth Brooks thing is just who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the Chris Gaines thing though, the closer you look, and the more you find out, you realize...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same way we took a song from the 60s and the 90s and put them together to create a new song for the millennium. It's probably the crossroads where Garth and Chris meet dead on and probably the most their life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Chris, uh, will be the first one to tell you in his biography that he's had a lot of great relationships that he has personally thrown away himself. So uh, when it comes to women,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Bombs House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very exciting times. I have a cold, which is not exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a couple things coming up. Uhm, this weekend I'll be in Fresno and Bakersfield. Uh, Bakersfield has some single seats left, so you'd have to sit alone, but you could get in, there's probably 30 tickets left. Fresno has a few more, that's this weekend, Friday and Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, uh, in a couple weeks I go to Fartmire's Florida November 1st.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some tickets there. Jacksonville has some single seats left. That's on the second. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orlando's all sold out and there's a few tickets left in Augusta. That's that first weekend in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, single seats left on the Wednesday in Montclair. That's the 14th. Mom Claire. At the Wellmont Theater. Then I go to fill her up, Delphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the only show with some tickets is the Late Show Friday. I'm doing four shows at the Miriam Theatre in Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will be, uh, Friday and Saturday there at the Late Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 16th of November has tickets. Uhm, very excited to announce that I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Added some stuff for the new tour, the 2019 Take It Down tour, and here's what I got that was just, just added.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just added a third show in Oklahoma City on January 22nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A third show in Dallas, Texas on January 27th at the Majestic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A second show in Pittsburgh on Valentine's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's a second show in Pittsburgh and a second show in Portland, Maine on March 26th. Uh, those are all at TomSegura.com slash tour. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that's a gift to somebody who's sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst part about me honestly getting sick is that it's during this goddamn challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, your body just wants to rest. And I've, I'm falling behind. So the current standings right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's sober October and... The bane of my existence. And there's not that much time left. There's about a week left, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it had been pretty close for a while, and then Joe went nuts a few days ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's pulled far and away ahead of us. Um, so really it's a competition now between Bert, Ari, and I, which we kind of always knew it would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been neck and neck, but like yesterday, I just couldn't do anything excessive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you're like, fuck, you have to get something, even on a low, the whole thing is I've always gotten points every day. Because if you let a day go by, it's just, you're in too deep of a hole. So even if you walk around and get some points, you know, going on a long walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did great the day before. I've been doing it all month, but man, feeling like this doesn't make you wanna run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, yesterday. Yesterday, and it'll be out in a few weeks, the week the movie comes out. And uhm, he was like, who would you love to have on your mom's house? And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know man, cause I was like, I don't know, I started talking about, I go, we like trash TV, like Bravo, and he was like, what? But I really wanted to say, I should have said like, uh, King Ass Ripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't. Real, real talent, real celebrity. He did say he was like, he was like, so what do you like on your show? I was like, you know, we like to play like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Viral internet clips of like, like a guy who's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. He is rhyming quite a bit. It's good. It's not bad. Drink the pussy mean, or eat the pussy, and then drink the nectar that it secretes. I mean, this is off the top of the dome?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this stream of consciousness is pretty impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could be, this guy could be mushrooms, acid, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just also feel like, you know, it's not high production, but the fact that he knows to have a microphone and a light and a camera on, it's pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is not your typical your mom's house submission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lighting is, it's, you know, it's deliberate, it's not right, but it's. It's a choice. But the biggest thing, the biggest credit we have to give is audio. It's good. Clear audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell ya, Asheville, North Carolina, they got a lot of talented people. So yeah, that guy's pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my new contest. How insane can I make my openers be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But if you just, if you just surprised them with it, there'd be a lot of disappointment, you know? Yeah, they gotta be in on it. They gotta be in on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about how disloyal you are and somebody sent in this, uhm, clip. This is from a show in Australia where they test a guy's wife to see if she's FGTRTD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this dude who obviously has a show has set up his wife. So here's what he's doing. He calls her in a panic and basically tells his wife


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That detectives are about to arrive at the house about a date?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, lie to them and say I was home that day. And that's, and then he just like, he's like, I got, and then they knock on the door. It's accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's not telling them what he said to tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course not, but if you had just called me and said, when they say that, then I would have been like, oh, what date? Wait a second, oh yeaah, no, no, she was here, for sure. Yeaah, we went out to dinner at the, uhm, oh I forget, what's that, Argentine place? I would make that up, because you just called me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Okay. That's for girls that ride till death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. Well, the show only profiles. The losers. Solved cases. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is what you're saying. Yeah, it's all those fucking dummies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That murdered somebody with curly hair, like they're not supposed to, like Felipe told us to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, I'm a new listener. Enjoy the show. Really recently in a meeting at work, one of the dads on my team mentioned courtesy flushing.


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[Assistant] In a shit iceberg situation where the log or sludge pile sticks out of the water.


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[Assistant] If the shit is underwater, how could it continue to give off that stench? Personally, I believe the need to courtesy flush is rather rare. Thoughts? T money. Uh, sorry T, I'm gonna have to disagree with you there. I think courtesy flushes are definitely a way to go.


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[Assistant] Well, there is a lot of kaka, but my thing is that especially, you know, that first, the first release is usually the biggest release. Right. When that comes out. Not in my case. My second.


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[Assistant] It sucks all the cuckoo down. So the smell is going to be less than it would be if it just sat there.


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[Assistant] If it sits in the toilet longer, it's gonna smell longer for sure. No question about it.


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[Assistant] Well I would first say to David, just say thank you. Yeaah. I mean you don't need her to want to shit in front of you. That's the last line. So she's keeping one...


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[Assistant] And that's just a nice thing. She's just trying to be, keep it. I guess.


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[Assistant] But that's the level she's at. She wants it to be like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think you should be ashamed of it. You don't have to run to a different side of the house to poop. I don't mind you pooping. It doesn't bother me at all. Does she fart in front of you? Probably not. Probably not. Just tell her you like her farts. Tell her you want to know what they smell like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, on a boat, you know, they're living in this kind of isolated world, right? Because you're floating around just working together with the personalities that you work with and guests. So.


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[Assistant] It's kind of like study abroad. You're like, it's, I think the love happens in these. Yeah. And it's in this isolated world basically.


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[Assistant] No, they were about to go out. Oh, they were about to go out. Getting ready, right? Well, I don't know when they, yeah, when he bought it, but then they're getting ready to go out on a night out on, you know, a free night. Oh, alright, so she's getting ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, they have their cabins next week. The crew does all downstairs on the boat and he leans over and he's like, Oh, hey, uh, don't forget. You owe me 50 bucks for a 50 euro. Yeah. You owe me 50 for that, right? He says it real casually. He's not like, Hey, Oh, he's like, heads up. You owe me that 50 bucks. Yeah. And, um,


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[Assistant] She immediately is like, okay, uh, hold on, let me get that for you. He's like, no, no, I'm not like, right now, I'm just saying like, I just remembered that, so I'm telling you. She's like, no, no, no, no.


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[Assistant] And you can tell that she's kind of rolls her eyes. She's not into it. Yeah. And she goes into her wallet. She gets the 50. She goes, here you go. He's like, I didn't mean like right now.


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[Assistant] And then you kind of think that, I don't know, is this, how serious is this exchange right now? Then they get into a van and they drive off and you can tell it's really eating at her. So she starts to be like, oh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got your 50 back, right? Like you all settled now? And he's like, I wasn't making a big deal about it. Then she starts to do kind of juvenile stuff because she starts to bring up...


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[Assistant] I don't know if I'm like the right girl for you. And he takes that as...


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[Assistant] You have to be someone that would spend money, but she's saying, this is the way I interpreted it. He takes offense to it, like extreme offense to it, that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That maybe she's looking for a guy with a lot of money to buy her things.


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[Assistant] And then her defense of that is like, no, I'm just saying that if you're...


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[Assistant] Making sure you get your 50 back as a priority. That's not really, it does get complicated because actually there's a lot of nuance to the conversation. And she's like, no, I'm just saying like a 50, if you got to get your 50, like you're not willing to, you know, buy me something for 50 bucks without running to get it back. I might not be.


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[Assistant] Like that to me is not a relationship. And then he keeps going, look, I am of the belief that everything


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[Assistant] Is 50-50, like down the middle, and of course this is also where the age comes into it, because then he's saying, or the reality is that he's 23, he doesn't have a lot of money. Right.


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[Assistant] You almost kind of go like, well the E should have been a little more understanding of the other one.


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[Assistant] It is kind of gross, but I also realize though that money and how you view it and how you spend it and your whole view on it has so much to do with your upbringing and it's completely hardwired into you. A thousand times. So like, you know, I would ask for the 50 back from my friend.


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[Assistant] But not the chick you're trying to girlfriend up. No, for sure.


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[Assistant] But that's my, I'm aware enough to know that that's how my mind operates. And I also am aware enough to know


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[Assistant] But that makes you kind of understand that kid's point of view. Because he talks about it.


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[Assistant] He was, he found out that, like, he didn't see his dad for a long time. And then when his dad did visit, it was like, his dad visited him to verify something so that he didn't, he had to make sure he didn't have to pay any more child support and then he left.


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[Assistant] Cool. That's his relationship with money. With money, yeaah. Negative. It's very negative. Yeaah. And he views uhm, anybody who wants even like...


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[Assistant] And even like people listening right now all have different relationships with money. Oh my gosh, yeaah. Some people, I mean it's natural, some people would naturally side.


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[Assistant] Did you know by the way, did you know that Rosie O'Donnell?


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[Assistant] Played a special person in a movie? No, stop it. I swear to you. How did I miss this? It was just sent to us.


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[Assistant] You want to? We gotta get a hold of riding the bus with my sister.


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[Assistant] Pinch on something cool, watch the 7up series.


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[Assistant] They have revisited these same kids every seven years. And it is, the fascinating thing is, cause the premise of the, of the whole series that goes, show me, uh, I know, I know, but show me a kid at seven and I'll show you the man. Right. So when you see them.


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[Assistant] And how many of these kids that you see on that first one, and it's black and white, you know, it's whatever, 60 years ago, uhm, and you see the kid who's like,


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[Assistant] grows up and he goes to Cambridge and he becomes a lawyer and then you see like


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[Assistant] The kid who's, uh, on the monkey bars by his teeth, just hanging off. And then he's, uh, he's running around pulling his pants up because they keep falling down and he hasn't bought a belt. Yeah, they really, they show you the full run of it. It's fascinating. It's really fascinating.


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[Assistant] Let's go full throttle. I love you so much.


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[Assistant] No one would ever love you the way that I do. It's so fucking weird.


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[Assistant] I don't know if people understand too. I think people are like, oh yea, he's popular amongst


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, country music, do you know some, did you know that the number one act in the world, above Beyonce, Bruno Mars, all of them, everyone,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and what he's about to do, what he's about to embark on, what he's announcing here, will be the biggest whore of all time. Let my man tell you. Let our agents rep this guy too. Yes.


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[Assistant] Which is odd that you're such a huge music star.


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[Assistant] Let's get physical playing music. I like that.


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[Assistant] So all these shows will be where normally football teams?


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[Assistant] At the Glendale game wearing Arizona Cardinals gear and then because it's game day, let's get physical playing music. I like that.


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[Assistant] It's true, because you know what happened? He probably, or definitely, got in late on social media, because we remember when he was introduced to it, the weirdest video of all time.


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[Assistant] I mean that's like the weirdest thing that anyone's ever said. I know. So I think what happens is, this is a guy that comes from the age of like just do your music, do radio interviews maybe, you know? Like do that kind of thing. So all this stuff is so foreign to him that he's never adapted like how to be natural doing it.


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[Assistant] Hey, uh, okay, well how did I do here? How did I do?


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[Assistant] At Notre Dame Stadium, where the football team.


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[Assistant] Fighting Irish play. And it was like, I mean it was like a minute, two minutes.


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[Assistant] Beyonce or Bruno Mars or somebody like that.


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[Assistant] Is a huge act or the stones. I'm like, yeah, of course. And I hear people talk about them.


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[Assistant] All the time. He's the only guy who I've never heard, I never hear anybody talk about. And I know you go like, well, you're not a, you know, country fan or you're not in a place where country's big. That's true. Yeah, but okay. That's true to a degree, but to sell the way he sells.


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[Assistant] It's, it's in every major city too. Is he doing LA? I'm sure he will. I'm sure he will. Damn. He'll probably do like the fucking Rose Bowl or, you know, Coliseum or something.


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[Assistant] And he's doing, you know, he's, I mean, he's opening with St. Louis and I mean, and then, uh, basically Phoenix. I mean, those are major cities.


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[Assistant] I wanna go to as many as fucking possible.


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[Assistant] You all made history at Notre Dame. It says right here.


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[Assistant] See, he gives you the credit. You did it. Thank you for letting me be a part of it. I'm on top of the world. Love G. Love G. G.


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[Assistant] Lowercase g. I wanna go to... Oh, there are no events. That's good.


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[Assistant] I did. Bring that shit down or I'll fucking fire you in two seconds.


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[Assistant] Oh, and he played through horrible, uh, what's it called? Weather conditions. Okay. He's this great performer. Oh, it talks about relatability of Garth to the heartland.


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[Assistant] All right, and we're back. Uh, the break you never know about just happened. And we are joined by somebody who we've been trying to get on this show for a while and she's finally here. Please, uh, hold your applause for David Letterman.


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[Assistant] We're in this place now too where it's actually the reason that there is people lecturing all that is because comedy is so popular. So it's actually great that we're in a business that is so popular. It's so big that people who suck at it can still do it. And people accept that like they're one of the people doing it too.


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[Assistant] So that whole bullshit too that I've heard, they're like, there's no women at the store. I'm like, I've been at the store with a bunch of women at the store.


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[Assistant] So wait, you said about 10 years ago, so this is, uh, like 2008?


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[Assistant] Woah. And they would always accept this?


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[Assistant] Dude, one of my friends as a kid was super artsy, just like Artie Creative Kid and his parents. One day we were in the same school and then he started going to another school. He was like my buddy, you know? And so I was like, where is he? And they're like, send him to another school and they arranged for me to visit him one day in that school.


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[Assistant] And I visited him and it was a school for extreme developmentally disabled people.


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[Assistant] So, yeaah, it was uhm, it was, and I, I mean there were kids like,


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[Assistant] Bouncing off the wall, there were super violent kids, people that you'd be restrained. And I was like, why are you- and then years later, you know, he's a totally just regular guy. Sweet. Sweet guy. And I go, what? Like, what was that all about?


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[Assistant] People always, I mean, I didn't go through it, but you hear a lot of times people describe or liken it to some version of like Scientology. Right.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I've never been more excited for anything. As if the gift that Jada provides isn't big enough.


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[Assistant] She is coming out with a new show with Will. They're gonna explain everything.


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[Assistant] It's so interesting to me that they're willing to put, like, that they are doing the social, like, they're movie stars. For Facebook! You know, it's like, but what is, what is driving the necessity, like, that guy says he wants to do any movie and it's just like, green light will make it, any, anything. I'll tell you what it is. What do you think it is?


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[Assistant] I think you were cheaper when I met you. Most definitely.


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[Assistant] Uhm, now wait, are you a frugal person or how do you approach?


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[Assistant] $10 a month. Here you go. Big time money savings.


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[Assistant] Right, that accent. Post. Yeah, and that on when it's on. On. On it. Over easy eggs.


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[Assistant] I put the poop in the toilet. I poop over here and then I put it in the toilet.


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[Assistant] Wait, it gets better. She's uh, yea, she doesn't want to do all that expensive laundry.


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[Assistant] She's saving six bucks, I mean, that's six bucks in your pocket.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I was right there. I was right there. I mean, I coulda caught it.


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[Assistant] I coulda caught it, and I did the little umbilical cut and... So sweet. Yea, it's fun. Wanna see the video?


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[Assistant] I mean, so far, he's also, he's like that critic that tells you everything that's wrong.


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[Assistant] You know, here's everything that's bad about everything, but no solution.


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[Assistant] Don't go back to high school. Get out of the small town. Don't go online. Don't go here. I guess the park is the leading option right now. Come to this park and meet me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, I mean like, I know a guy who's seriously like 350, he's very unsightly, and it's fine, right? But then his list of demands for women is kinda like this.


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[Assistant] She's mocking her friend who said, do you want to wash your shit paper in the washer? She's like, that silly bitch didn't know what she was talking about.


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[Assistant] Okay, it's clean. He's like, this is staying with kaka, mommy. And she's like, no, no, no, this is clean.


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[Assistant] Especially if you're standing out there all that time and it's hot here.


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[Assistant] And then we found his other channel where he was like inserting tails in her ass.


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[Assistant] I mean I'm like a- That's interesting. You hear what she just said? A light pole.


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[Assistant] But I mean I'm saying there's a physical pain, well it changes obviously from person to person, but for a lot of guys, where anything aggressive there will physically make you collapse.


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[Assistant] I don't like how put together they are. I like my pup play psychos to really be out on the edge. I don't like, I don't like an articulate explanation.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. I'd like to be caught off guard more.


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[Assistant] Or just, I like when they're like the fakeness of like, this is just fun, with the kiwis, you know, with the guys, and then they're just like fucking each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he said regular dog, and you're supposed to say bio dog.


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[Assistant] And it's all harnessed and belts, all snug on you. Straps. And I put a fake tail in my asshole, but it's not sexual at all.


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[Assistant] Guys, I'm a comedian. It is a documentary. With that I applaud. Like, just keep it to yourself.


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[Assistant] That is a great comic. You need to go see her live.


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[Assistant] She's uh, often at the store, one of the few ladies that's allowed to perform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's fantastic. Hilarious, Kurt Metzger and Annie together, November 23rd and 24th. Uhm, thank you very much for coming today. Thanks for having me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a great guest. Thanks. Uh, here's Gaping Dad with She's R Worded on the way out. Um, Joy, the rest of your week, guys. We'll see you next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Bombs House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a announced add-on date.


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[Assistant] Exciting for me, I'll tell you a couple. Excite, amaze. Excite.


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[Assistant] A maze. I'll tell you a couple other things that are happening, uh, with the new tour. Number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the first show will be January 4th, San Francisco at the Masonic. The January 5th one is sold out. So if you want to go in San Francisco, you gotta get tickets to the 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, the 11th in San Diego is sold out, the 12th early show is sold out. There is about 150 tickets left to the late show in San Diego if you want to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From there I go to Oklahoma City, the show on the 22nd has tickets, the other ones are gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then San Antonio, Houston, and Dallas. You'll want to get on those. Uhm, all of them are either close to sold out or sold out. So, if you're in Texas, that's what to do. The following is uhm, excuse me, the next time I go out after that will be Long Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chumash Casino in Reno. Those are all on sale. And don't forget, I moved the show that was in November, uh, at the Wellmont in Montclair, New Jersey. I moved it to February 13th. That was due to weather. It was snowing that day, unexpected, and uh, the roads shut down. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shows now February 13th. If you can't go and you had tickets, you get a full refund. If you want to go, your tickets stay valid. So just show up and you'll still have the same seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but there will be a few more tickets available now that it's been moved, so if you're interested in going, it's February 13th. Uhm, Jean, what's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, uh, Nashville or Gashville, Tennessee at the Ryman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's uhm, on Sunday of that week in April during the festival, the first show sold out, we added a late show at the Ryman.


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[Assistant] Thank you so much. Christina P online, Thompson girl.com. You know what it is. Y'all know who's good to game BG. Y'all know what it is. God do the thing. Cause there it is. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, today's episode is absolutely a maze. You're gonna die. We have so much great material for you, great guests. It really is, I know we say that a lot, but today you might sour and sauce your jeans. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, cause you're old. I'm so old. Wow, that's cool. Yea. Didn't know how old she was. Anyways. Grow up, Tom. Christine's old and we're ready to do this episode. Ready? So stupid. Pull your jeans up!


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[Assistant] I gotta tell you right now, I gotta tell you, I get it. I finally get it. The Armos, the Greeks, the Guineas, the blacks have been wearing these velour tracksuits for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's the ease of it. The pants are loose and easy to take on and off. This dip up and yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right. You know what I'm saying? Like, sexy, juicy. Yeah. But you want it loose and comfy. Yes. Of course, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, she's such a dick. Usually when they, it's only if there's a fart story involved, does the anchor person ever say like, there's the person when their image comes up. Like she did, she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just out of nowhere. It was yes forever. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. And now he goes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loudly. It's like someone learning to say the word loudly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's uhm, yeaah, pretty wild. Your uh, your farts have really been something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Shanana. There's Shanana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's THE Christina P. Yeah, I know, it's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get impatient and I am impulsive and I just, sometimes I just, here's the thing, because my balding is in the front, what happens is, like when you take it down all the way, you're like cool, is this how it should be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As it starts to grow out, what stands out is that the front center is obviously thin, so it stands out that, oh, everything else is getting longer, starts to look bad. Sometimes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be like a second or third time you look in the mirror like, I gotta do something about it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, first of all I didn't know Alan was coming over. I didn't make an appointment with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just saw, what happened was, I saw how thick, okay, so I start to see that, then I start to see how thick the beard gets. My beard will get really thick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not initially, because I'm not done yet. See what happened was, I did a pass on the beard. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I came downstairs, and then I was like, ah, I gotta do the head now. Went back upstairs. I think you saw it in between the two. Then I did the head, then I cleaned up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it was, both were in the evening. Oh, okay, okay, so. You just didn't, you didn't notice the beard until you, like I'm saying, my beard change, until you noticed the head change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is amazing is how badly you have adapted to just neck trimming over years. Like I have neck trimmers and on my neck trimmer, you know, it's just one of these like little, the trimmers, you know, I mean a wall or something, trimmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you still hold it backwards in the wrong way. I'm like, look, it's either like this or like this. And I give it to you and I always see you go the wrong way. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, head clippers. I just threw on a different guard and went...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just the worst. I know. So many great women in Julias. Me and you. Something else happened. Well, a couple things. First of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't do this on the podcast because I didn't know if it would be a bad idea to do it on the podcast because of the reach of the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We held a screening for Instant Family in Thousand Oaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Uhm, what I was trying to say was that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just being clear here. I would charge people double. What I did was I wanted to do it in that community but I only announced it on social media because I didn't know if we did it on the podcast. You have a limited number obviously of tickets for a movie screening. And if I announced it on the podcast, I didn't want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, too many people to show up and be disappointed.


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[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Because I felt like the podcast response would be even greater. So I just announced it on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook and we held it on Sunday and people came out, they were extremely nice and grateful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a respectful audience and, you know, most of them came up to me and told me they enjoyed the movie and, you know, the movie's a well done movie for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the, uh, like a family kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. So, it was very funny. Uhm, but thank you guys for coming out. I really enjoyed doing that. Uhm, it was very fun actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what else did I want to tell you? Oh, this other thing, I mean, has taken off. If you don't know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over the weekend, Garth's Notre Dame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the week was building up, holy shit, his Instagram is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I opened one of his posts and I go, I wanna scroll through the comments to see how long it takes to see a non-YMH related comment. I couldn't find one. It was just like, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. I was like, jeez, I was like 50 comments in, nothing to do with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? No, there actually is a real comment there. One or two real fans. Sweetest couple ever. And then it says keep it high and tight. Hashtag dedication. You are not Gareth and Trish doesn't look like either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you don't need spit. Yeah, that's right. Uhm, here's his anthology post. Well, it's official. We're on Facebook. I told Gene he didn't believe me. He believes me now. It's just endless. It is endless. I mean, every post, too. Every single post is like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl wrote, what is going on? I'm confused. Physical four strokes? What the fuck?


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[Assistant] And then someone wrote, he just wanted to poop through a hammock. I said, why not? It's just like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, every time I've seen, uh, cause I follow him, I'll, just every time a new post comes up, it's within seconds. It's completely, completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's endless. So if you really want to be amused by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. Yeah, so if you really want to have a good time, check that out.


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[Assistant] Oh, the one where he like introduces that he's doing a concert? Yeaah. Yeah, it's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw him doing this interview where he was like, well, at first, uh, you know, you're scared because, uh, you're like, are we going to even?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be able to sell that many tickets, and he goes, and then it sold out in an hour. So you're like, you dick.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. But I think that's, that's the, that's his anthem. That's the same joke over, is it?


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[Assistant] Could you imagine, like, his, uh, like, his fans?


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[Assistant] Obviously, like, his hardcore fans think that's a hilarious bit. That's a funny joke, sure. Yeah, they're like, ha ha, cause he's got a song called I Got Friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing that we all suspected.


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[Assistant] That's the last time you're ever gonna see him perform a concert because apparently it's all over. It's all over.


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[Assistant] One right? I don't know if the one is there. Look, look for me. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You know, some people aren't so happy that we tease Garth. Did you know that?


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[Assistant] Oh, that's cheerleaders probably because it's at Notre Dame Stadium. Oh right, so that-


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[Assistant] Yeah, probably special for that, but I mean, generally speaking, he just puts on a crazy show.


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[Assistant] That's a good question. I don't know. I really don't know. I mean, I know the weirdest thing to me is that he's huge in Ireland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, HUGE. He's so fucking famous over there. Like, Ireland? Really?


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[Assistant] Lady Gaga's, you know, definitely international superstar. So who knows? But they're definitely both monsters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, last week, you know, we had the, uhm, the guy who told you that, like, you, you make my eyes a telescope. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Because honestly, there's really nothing that compares a black dude's spittin' game. Like they're, they're the ultimate, right?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know. I think, I think brothers are number one. So, we have...


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[Assistant] So uhm, cause it's just, there's so many great videos of this. I haven't seen this yet. Just so you know, a lot of times...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times, neither one of us has seen, we're seeing it the first time you're seeing it. So I think some people think that, like there are times, yea there are times where I'll see a video and that I just wanna like surprise you with it. But most of the time, I haven't seen the videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it doesn't say that black guys usually spit the most game. I'm saying that this is a video about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that is what I'm saying. This is a video that I'm hoping supports that.


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[Assistant] Stop fucking sending videos that you want on the show to anywhere but the email address. Oh right. I'm not gonna open it.


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[Assistant] I don't watch them on Instagram. If you send it to me on Facebook, if you send it to me on Twitter, no. That's why we have an email address. We have a producer that reads these and watches these. So if you want it to play on the show, your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in that email address.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no. We don't play it. I don't, you know, I think one out of fifty of those will make it. Like, I have to happen to open it and want it to move it forward. Just send it to him. If you want it to play on the show. Alright? Here you go. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I will say this, that doesn't necessarily support what I was going for. Uh, this guy is like mouth to mouth, really close and recording himself, uh, kind of whispering or singing. I will say he doesn't have the best teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really bad. Okay, a couple of things. This is not spit and game. This dude is just singing along to a song. He has four teeth. Three are a different color. Top teeth. He might have some more bottom teeth. Uhm, but she's really into it. She is really into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a bad mouth. That is a bad mouth. But are you, are you really objecting to the blanket statement, black dudes spit the best game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you think they got it from? Pro the black guys? Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't a seminar, it's just they just picked up on it. Black dudes definitely spit the most game.


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[Assistant] Look, there's different degrees of skill, just like in any sport. I mean, the guy that yelled, hey red, he might be an amateur. But you put a professional in front of you, your panties are coming off. Oh shit.


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[Assistant] And he really, really ruined my pitch. I thought we were going to listen to someone being like, I turned it to a telescope again. Like that kind of thing. Oh right, yeah. Oof. Man.


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[Assistant] God. I mean that guy needs dental surgery to yesterday.


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[Assistant] I like certain levels of respect for certain events.


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[Assistant] You know? So like, I mean they even commented on one aspect of it. During it, she's walking down the aisle, she stopped walking down the aisle to shake hands with people and say thanks for coming. Like as she's walking down the aisle.


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[Assistant] So I was watching, like, what are you doing? She's drunk. They were drinking a lot, yeah. So, and then, like, she's like, oh my god, and she's like, I can't believe you're here, and hey, you came to this, oh my god, and like, walk down the aisle. That's for after the, right? Yeah, she's plastered. That I just started to cringe at. I was like, uuuh. Then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's their wedding. It's like this beautiful setup, right? I mean, lovely decorations. You did a great job.


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[Assistant] And then the efficient, efficient says, you know, whatever he says and he's like, will you take her? And the guy's like, abso-fucking-lutely, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want that for your wedding too? I don't know, to me, I mean, it wasn't a punk rock wedding, it's like black tie, it's a nice looking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, oh my, where I wanted to just crawl inside myself.


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[Assistant] Now he said something like pretty, like decent, you know, for his style. I'm not criticizing the, you know, the writing of it. Uhm, like she kinda cut him off at one point, but he got out a nice thing and then she bombed so hard and she started talking to other people.


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[Assistant] It was like, don't look over there. Okay, do you not want vows? Okay, I'm not gonna do vows then.


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[Assistant] During the, I was like, I hate this. It made me so uncomfortable. It made me upset because it feels like a disrespect of not only the event, but like of the people there who showed up to come to your wedding. The whole thing made me upset.


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[Assistant] That was weird. That's weird. Yeah, we weren't even close to a beach.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. He was wearing flip flops. That was weird. Flip flops are basically not for most situations.


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[Assistant] You know, they're the ultimate leisure wear. It's great if you want to wear them.


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[Assistant] But it's still like them streets are nasty bro. Those are nasty streets.


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[Assistant] Yep. Have some respect. Who told me about somebody saying something crazy at a funeral, too? Oh yeah, no, we read it on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We read it on the show. It was a while back where somebody wrote in how they said that uhm, as they were lowering a casket, uhm, of a family member, that the grandmother answered her phone and was like, I don't know, like around two I could be there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, sandwiches are good, like, just took a, a call.


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[Assistant] Have some respect. I guess that's my thing. Have a little fucking respect.


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[Assistant] Oh, you gotta put pound. I think before, you pound first one.


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[Assistant] It's a, it's a, it's a bold choice. Cause you're not gonna hold your shit in. You know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ordered a spray that you're gonna flip out. It's amazing. They had it at the gym. And I was like, this is the best spray I've ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, yeaah, but it's like, it's not what you think, it's not one of those big aerosols, it's just like a chk, but the smell is so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta fuckin' know when to shit. And when to keep your asshole closed.