[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want a mother to have to look over her shoulder. He knows how he's doing this thing. Yeaah, he's doing it right. Yeaah. Jesus. Not these young whores getting abortions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Okay. So here's another thing that I've been doing for my entire life and then I just became cognizant of it lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot brown if I have bare feet on cold floor. I have to have warm feet and I have to have like a rug under my bare feet. I cannot brown without it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barely. Like that, I need an actual piece of material under my feet, like a rug or something. I need a rug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't poo poo. I can't relax enough to go brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish they would carpet bathrooms. Why don't they carpet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, but I would, I think it comes from like, maybe my mom always put toilet skirts on, you know, those skirts you buy for the toilet. So I grew up accustomed to putting my feet on warm things. I don't, I can't shit cold. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know! Can you imagine being in Yeolden days when they had outhouses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm normal today. Yeah. What would you do? You would go in the freezing cold? Yes, I would go. I would go out there. And just wear a jacket and shit in the outhouse? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I would not. I would just pee into a bowl and throw it out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the little ditches where all like the water goes down. So he made me research it with him. We watched videos on where the washes go or the sewer go. Did you know that anything that goes down that wash in the street goes straight to like lakes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy and aww. Yeah, maybe like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I guess you guys are better than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, stop. You were always super mature. Never in your early twenties where you were like, let's go fuck with the new drivers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just trying to be honest and open. What? I'm being honest!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys never did anything little mean-spirited for fun? God, stop it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you guys didn't make fun of the student drivers, that's the funniest shit in the world. People did it to me, when I was learning to drive, they'd drive by and be like uuuh, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I never said I didn't have mental problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta be kidding me. Fool me once, Kirsten. No. I can't believe she's not reliable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a shocker, I can't believe a toothless woman driving in the desert isn't reliable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's too bad. She just missed out on her golden ticket. You could have been her golden ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you sleeping on your pillow at night? Can you lay on your side?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, cause I've been waking up and feeling extra dry in my throat. And I'm like, oh, I definitely was ripping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I get enraged when you snore. I feel like you're doing it on purpose to make me upset. But that's not true with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't say I think you're doing it. I feel like the feeling is why are you trying to torture me? Yes, I get angry at you. It's like when you cough too much. Can you stop coughing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if somebody breaks in and I have to scream for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, now you're gonna play the drop of him vomiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're lying to me. You swore in my children's eyes, now my children are gonna go blind. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do it. I'm gonna be real fucking mad at you. I won't touch your peener tonight if you do it. I won't touch your peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't touch it. I heard you. I won't lick it and I won't touch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have TikToks? Do we have a TikTok folder? Can I do my talks today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I was watching Ace Ventura the other day with our childrens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess who's in that movie who makes a nice little cameo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wild thing. Remember when that shit came out? That song blew my mind. Oh, he was great. Now he's still alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have enough, I've done enough. There you go. Amen. That's a strong statement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and when he talked with his butt to tell him off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good stuff. I mean, who talked with their ass before Jim Carrey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean this in all sincerity, I'm not knocking him. No, he's fucking brilliant. It was fucking amazing. He's a brilliant guy. And his stand up was funny, it's just such a good ball. I remember too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something. Yeah, it's so great! Ugh, gosh, what a talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is back when you could really talk some shit too on television. Look at that cast too. I know. The Wayans are just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one, Dag? Yeah? So I reached out to somebody who knows him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's lovely. He's so funny. And then I got to work on a TBS show with him. And anyway, the day we finished shooting with him, he was leaving the stage and he goes, all right, Christina, stay black. And I was like, that's the fucking funniest thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same with Jamie Foxx. Oh my god. Jamie Foxx is a- Who is also on living hell. Yeaah. What a ridiculous group of humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he wins. Yeah. This whole cast dude, they just fucking win. Yeah. Look at that shit dude. Yeah, he's on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so unfair. I feel like, like standups, like there's a few great, there's people that are great actors, but then maybe they're not great standups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was also a pianist and she would actually play in symphonies without using her name. Like she would just show up and play with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say a lot of comedians are, are musical, mostly jazz, cause it's a timing thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I actually listen to jazz music when I write jokes. I have to listen to Vince Guaraldi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the Beastie Boys. What do you listen to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The techno Viking a little bit, you know, he's got those like harsh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at Uncle Terry and then look at him. You don't see Uncle Terry there? No. Oh, I do. He's putting a dildo up his ass right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hm, well. Is he's really upset people aren't making fun of his accent or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! Yes! Because he's lean, so he's like, he's up and around. He's not a sit-down kind of guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meanwhile, he was drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes and shit too, so, you know, but I thought about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is this one guy I saw on TikTok who is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's looking at me. And I'd like to be rewarded. I'm fucking stoked to share these with you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, just a good old fashioned. Oh wowzers. So, so it starts off with this woman on the bus or in the train and she's, she's got her foot, the shoe dangling off the bare foot and then she's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He touches the barefoot, gives it a whiff, gives the fingers a whiff, goes back in for an intensive rub, and then takes a piece of skin and puts it- Peels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I never heard of people eating their foot skin. I've never even heard of such a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's different, cause it's sweaty, it's crammed into that shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and here's the thing, when you're biting your finger meats,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, it's like you're not doing it for the chew after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like for that, I'm doing it for like, I bite it off, I might give it one, and then puh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, her unconscious. She's rough to eat it. To eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought it was a whiff. Let's go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm glad you do because you're, you're whiff testing and then it benefits me because I'm sure if it's really bad, then you're not going to bring those balls into my area and my face because I've never like whiffed them real bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, but to, to eat the foot skin, I didn't realize, cause I thought this, this was ramping up to eating it, but you're telling me she opens on a foot skin peel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think the foot skin, like again, like she's wearing like ballet flats, I think, or kitten heels without any kind of sock or anything. Like those are generally, that's how bacteria breeds. It's a smelling place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I can't believe that I make those smells. You're like, how is this happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and it's so funny that he's concerned with it being homosexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I can't even imagine now shitting without the Toto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was saying how I take these horrendous airport shits in the morning and then I wipe with their fucking dumb one ply and it's like the never ending wipe when I could just go buy some wet wipes at the Hudson News and then I could just wipe my ass with those. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the best TikTok ever. I think you sent this to me. I mean, where has this been all our lives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there should be a guy who just keeps their, his farts and sniffs them. You're a pickle living in my world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's Vienna sausage can juice. He's gonna drink it. I'm gonna puke. This is not okay. I don't like this at all. Dude, bro. Homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he is doing though? He is filling the void of King Gasripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really needs to start doing more of these vintage fart vids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you should start doing that. I bet you could sell your farts to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're famous enough that people will buy your farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, is that a business yet? Can I sell farts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't there some kind of thing against- Ugh. Chad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it illegal to mail a fart to somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if she's known, but I've just been following her cause she is like a dating, she dates in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she's an author, I didn't know this about her. I just love her. A music business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sophia Chang, she's going places, I knew it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you. She is the baddest bitch in the room, man. Look at her. I just, I just liked her whole vibe. I thought that was really funny how she says that men, um, find ways to lie. I, you know, it's human nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. But she's doing, she's got a talent. She can do somersaults on pavement. On wet pavement? You can't do this at her age too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we went to this karaoke bar called the Smog Cutter, right? That karaoke in the back. And Sunshine, the woman who ran it, was smitten with Tom. Smitten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and you were just a young 23 year old pup, and she would just lay it on, think like, oh Tom, come over, I'll make soup for you, I'll cook for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did she cook, did you go to her house and she cooked for you? What am I gonna say? I don't want beef stew? Babe, babe. What? Did you bang sunshine? So long ago. Babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he hurt himself. He just doesn't, he doesn't know yet the extent. I mean, he can't just walk away from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought this would be really helpful for men listening to this program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Don't talk to him all linear and fucking boring, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go in circuitous, fun, allow yourself to be creative or silly, and that's what, that's what's gonna get you laid. That's what'll get your dick touched, is where she feels a vibe and connection is because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, it's frivolous fun chatty talk.


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[Assistant] He's been on the talk for a while and he smells his own pits and he licks the stuff on his arms, the skin tags and stuff. It's his whole thing, it's his whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gnarly. And also to smell someone else's is not the fun. The fun is your own. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, okay, so what if they don't have a dick anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. It's not that you're, it's just, it doesn't ring your bell. And that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't be, it's not a discrimen- cause I was just thinking to myself, okay, would I be sexually attracted to Buck Angel? And I'm like, I don't know. Can you bring up Buck Angel? Let me look at a picture of him. Cause I'm like, am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I admire Buck Angel, I think it's cool, but it's not for me. Yeah, I think that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good argument, Tom. So if you say it, yea, so if you're like, I'm not attracted to white ladies, you're not discriminating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's an elderly gentleman, uhm, with the camera angle horrendous, again, like up till he's shirtless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The caption that accompanied this was, no flinching, no fear, I trust this animal with my life. And I'm like, you should not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I can't like toilet-train it. Fuck. It's so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's got spicy cheddar, it's like a block of spicy cheddar on top of baked beans, on top of like, cut up Canadian bacon type ham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and then like a half a loaf of toast with butter slathered on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or not, ain't it? I eat on my hotel beds all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my shoes. Just eat at the t- why not eat at the table? Cause I can't see the TV sometimes. Okay here's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's uhm, cicada. That's what they look like when they make that noise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a monster grasshopper. That's how they make the noise. Okay, maybe not, maybe that's one of the Philippines or some shit, but that's how they make the noise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody knew, huh? So fucking stupid. Women, play the women are fucking stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the cicada, hold on to hear me out, they do them, it's the males that make that noise and they have a similar mechanism that they make that noise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it struck me in the beginning because she is wearing a bikini top, if you'll notice, but she's pulled the bikini top to the side so that it's just her tits against the denim, which is such an odd, I mean, it's a deliberate choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and you know, I, yeaah, it just, it struck me as such an odd choice. I love these TikToks where the older, like the, the MILFs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 60's woman is fantastic. It's such a great lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I, here's what's happening, here's what I think is happening. So what you said is 100% accurate that the over-sexed 60-something year old male is depressing and sad. And it makes you sad and depressed because it's hollow, because he's been that guy his whole life and probably never had a family and kids and a life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now that her children are out of the nest, they're in college, she's finally single, maybe she got a divorce or maybe she's still with the same man, but now she's finally, it's me, it's my turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because my 20s and 30s were spent raising children or whatever and now this is my time and I've taken good care of myself. I had the mom boob job and I'm gonna show it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I think is this time. And she looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave her alone, guys. She knows what she's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause that's a very suburban setting. She's, she's been a good mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is TikTok? What is TikTok? They don't even know about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch that one right here. Or maybe here. Maybe here. Maybe uh, uh, uh, uh. Maybe you should subscribe. That way every time a new video gets posted you'll be notified. Stay in the know jeans. Subscribe now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put, you know, the wife and the husbands or the husbands and the wives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this case, they wanted to be mixed together in each, so they are both contained in each ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And same as the last band except it just goes through about a quarter of it. I really, really liked how this one turned out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously the bands are kind of the most popular and this couple again wanted to be mixed together and turned into matching bands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna use this shoelace right here. You wanna use whatever is available to you. Just like that. Okay. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double knot, no bow tie, okay, because we need to make sure that this stays firm. Gonna take this right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of motivational stuff. His name's Chad Peterson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there was one time where I accidentally stumbled upon a video of just like really tall women doing crazy shit to dudes they found in the woods. That was pretty cool. That was the weirdest come I ever had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Tell me. Yeah, there was, there was once or twice where I was, I was with a lady. I was like, call me a dumb fucking Jew. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do women in the Midwest just get that haircut? I don't know. We want to ironically do a talk show. Like we want a podcast for it, for ugly men. I've been thinking about getting my dick cut off. You should try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice if you don't live in New York, you can just have nice things. Yeaah. That's just like yeaah. Would you ever leave New York? I think I'm kind of like, you know like when you're like in jail for too long as an adult, you're institutionalized, you can't live on the outside. I kind of get that. Yeaah, I'm kind of yeaah, I'm broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just being fucking subway garbage. Look at the wool with the pink. That's just literally me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm gonna have to, like, yeaah, when you get that ugly, you just have to have, like, like, like, opinions on things. Yeaah, you definitely do. I've managed to not have opinions this long enough in my life, and then I have to be like, oh, you know, like, there are only two types of whatever. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I was like, is that seeing you previn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I sat next to Sunyi and my girlfriend sat next to Woody. I don't know why they put that cross over his face over there. How dare you. That's very disrespectful. So disrespectful. To a fine filmmaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, no, yeaah, I sat next to them, and then my girlfriend was like, the best advice, she was like, not till we get the check. She was like, I'm like, I'm, I watch, he's like my favorite, he was my favorite, like, uh, comedian and filmmaker when I was a kid. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then after like, so I got to formulate like my plan of attack. Look at him. He's still, he's literally, he like put on a, like when they left, he put on like a shitty army


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm like Woody, you're still wearing like that kind of shit. And he's like, she spends too much. I can't afford anything better. Yeah. Oh, that's a good, that's a good one. I got him to laugh. You did? I got him to laugh. That's pretty, what did you say? Well, okay. So I, I create a plan of attack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then also me and my girlfriend, we're like, we're like performing a date for them. Yeah. You know, like, so we're like performing like a Woody Allen like movie and I was just like, I was, she was being like precocious and 12 and I was being like, uh, and I was, my girlfriend's not 12. No, I know, but he's always that formula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like really cute. We were doing great. We were crushing. And then finally they got the check and then he turned to the side. They were also, they were like on a double date with like the worst looking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I like tap Sun Yi on the shoulder. Cause also, you know, you're like kind of, you want to see what it's like. Because also it's like, yeah, that was his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tapped her when he like turned to the side, I was like, listen, I'm like a massive fan. Like would he be annoyed? Or like if I, if I said hello and she's like, no, he's really nice. You should say hi. Because if I went up and said hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would have, my, my ball, and he said like, don't bathe me, or like, my balls would have gone into my body. Like, it would have made me feel terrible. I would have, yeah. Uhm, and I've always imagined he'd be like, you're not funny, I hate you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was like, like, randomly, I was watching fucking, uh, Manhattan Murder Mystery two days prior to that, which is this movie he made with Diane Keaton, and my girlfriend was like, oh, Adam was watching one of your films the other day, and he said, like, Diane Keaton's character, like, reminded, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he said he was like, well that was actually like one of the most fun times I ever had making a picture. And I was like, uhm, because I know, cause I've like read his autobiography and stuff and like I know the timeline. The bizarre thing was that he was being investigated by the state of Connecticut. During the time? During the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nick and I saw him the other day too. That's the nice thing about living in New York. What do you guys see, fucking Elon Musk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's exciting. So, we went to, we saw, he's first of all, like five foot two. Dressed so sharp. I mean like, black suit, black shirt, just like, looks like a fucking million bucks. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just unreal, just like the coolest guy of all time, but we went to, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A friend of ours works for this guy, Paul Schrader, the filmmaker Paul Schrader, and we were invited to a party and then Nick and I were there and we had our backpacks on and we looked up the address of the party while we were in the Uber and it said, uhm, it said assisted living facility. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I was like, I kinda like shook Paul Schrader's hand and then like waved at Marty and then, I don't know, they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's exactly what happened with Marty. I was working hard on it. I was working hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna push me off? Are you gonna tie a heavy stone to me? You crazy wop. Wow. Wow, you people aren't white to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what they say. I know. Nick Mullen, who I do my show with, used to have a really good joke about the Irish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but all the, all the like Ellis Island, they were all southerners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? I think uhm, listen, you know, we've done alright in this country, you know, he's not hurting my feelings, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I would think it, I wouldn't say it out loud. It's just like us running the media, you can say it quietly. Just say it quietly. I like how he did the Clinton, he did the Clinton thumb. That's old school, I forgot about Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a room full of comedian friends and we're all drunk and I'm not gonna say anyone's name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they were all like, I thought, I wasn't, I mean, I, it was the bit, it was like, oh yea, you guys are so annoying. I was like, I know we're annoying, but whatever. And they were like, yea, but like, I know we're annoying, but, I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're like, uhm, yeaah, like we all know how you became successful is by giving each other zero interest loans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's more immigrant. Uh, Jays don't hook up other Jays? No, we're not nice to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe they are like, when they're like, you know, owning slums all over New York City, they're probably hooking each other up with the proceeds of the slum money, but I'm not part of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember the Matt Hoffman one where he just like kept almost dying and his family's like, please stop like trying to go so extreme and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta just go extreme one more time. He'd like go into comas for a month. No, which way? Who did this? Matt Hoffman was like the BMX guy. And he just like his face, he was just putting them through hell and he's like, he has a very flat affect and he's like, yeah, I gotta go again. Yeah, just one more time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like, we're still podcasting to pay the bills, but we kinda do wanna like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the intention is becoming clear. I think people thought we were doing like an ironic talk show, but Nick's, Nick's always said like, we want to ironically do a talk show. Like we want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two biggest morons from the dumbest, from literally the lowest common denominator podcast ever. A podcast for ugly men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, they are bizarre. They're like relics. Yeaah. Yeaah. They don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fuckin', I'm a fuckin' patriot. We gotta save these chicks. We gotta bring them to real cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was stupid. Oh, that, this, this one on the top left, that guy, that guy, that couple was... I remember this one. Oh, that guy looks like he lost weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he went to jail. This guy did? I think he did for like, uh. Is that the same guy? No, that guy did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently there's been a run on Ukrainian brides in China. Oh really? Because in China they're considered to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he went there for teeth too. Cause I was actually for a while on Instagram looking at like a Latin American, uh, like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dental, uh, tourism? You can go and get veneers, but he clearly got veneers and a woman. Oh wow. Two birds one stone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like the other John Candy, like the other guy that used to get cast as the fat guy in movies. What's his name? Fuck, it's gonna drive me nuts. I don't have my phone, but we'll remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it when things are nice. Like consensual and fun. No, just life in general.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember at the beginning of COVID, I was like, my, I just, I prefer it when things are nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I moved to, I moved to a nice, like, uh, Hillary Clinton, like people that are sad Hillary lost still. And it's awesome. No one knows what hometown is. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just like, you know, strollers, sheep persisted stuff. Yeah. It's just nice. It's amazing. I just like it when things are nice. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You really are into the nice? I love nice! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then gentrified and then it became like, uh, yeaah. Now it's this shit. It's this shit. It's the most annoying people. What part of Brooklyn are you in? I'm in Fort Greene. Very nice. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's also- When it was Polish sausage. I was- Greenpoint, yeah. But those guys used to fuckin- Those guys used to get drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friends all moved to Greenpoint before I moved to New York, like my friends from college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those guys, they had literal skinheads in that neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, fuck Jews. One of them came up to me once and said, are you a metalist? And I was like, what is a metalist? Yea, what is that? Like, do you like Megadeth, Metallica? Oh. He said, he thought like a metal head. Oh, was a metalist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, yeaah. But sometimes, yeaah, I mean like, I can watch a movie where something not nice happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what? Like, I didn't see it, but I heard Brendan was fantastic. I heard it was a bad movie, but the phrase really crushed it. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants to get the kitchen to her dreams. That's it. That's it. And then she starts sleeping with her ex-husband again and it gets really complicated. And then her architect who's doing her new kitchen, uh, Steve Martin, he's the right one for her. I love it. But then the bad boy, uh, you know, and then the ex-husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing about that movie is every time she's touched by a man, she's like a woman of a certain age, and every time she's like, like brushed past, she's like, she comes. She's like, ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so good. I've been going on the road with my friend Caleb a little bit and he's been featuring for me and we found out like, we're kinda like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do women in the Midwest just get that haircut? Why do they get that haircut? They all become like, you know, like that. It's to shut it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they just like, they get hard. Yeah, they get hard. She gets hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they take over the whole world? How do they take over the whole world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did buggery around the entire planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where are- I'm not gonna go to fucking Israel. London. I think London's the only- London's the shit, but the food is dog shit, bro. No, they have good food. Where- I had great food, I had great food last time. Did you? I had great food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] London rips. Yeah, the pubs all close at like 11. So they get hammered by like 6.30. Are they drinking milk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a headline that was like, not- they referred to it as Knives Crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, it's the best, that's like a good version of the best video of all time, which is the lady screaming when Trump was getting sworn in. Oh yea yea, melting down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not going to make the bad guys arguments, I'm going to say great speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, like, I don't know, why is this the big thing now? Remember it was like, MS-13 when Trump was the president?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like a thing that is like, they're like, they're gonna come to your neighborhood, they're gonna murder you. And like, people are like, yeah, we gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it's, this is the new culture war thing. But they're like upset, like that is like what they're talking about non-stop. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's the same, it's just gonna be a new thing next. Yeaah, it's so dumb. Yeaah, there's always something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's pretty boring. I, I, one of our friends' moms, like the place we'd go get fucked up at, that his mom was a school nurse during the week, and then, uh, she'd dance, uh, she was an exotic dancer. Cool!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their accent is crazy and I, I've recently kind of gotten in trouble about talking about it. About their accent? It started a full controversy that's now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four months long and now it involves Taylor Swift so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been getting like a thousand Google alerts every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this guy came, this guy from this big band came on our podcast and that was, the first reaction was that we made fun of the native Scottish, uh, dialect and then, uh, and then, you know, different like accents and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that he's, this guy from, uh, whatever, I mean, I, it's, now it's, now he's dating Taylor Swift, and now it's like an international news story, and they're like, they're like petitions to get, yea, Maddie, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so then we got in trouble because he said that he like DM'd, uh, that girl Ice Spice, uh, that rapper and then Nick didn't know who that was so he said, is that the Eskimo Spice Girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've literally been, like, people are like, I wanna push you in front of a train. God damn. People are so mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this. I mean like, I didn't realize it, well first of all I didn't realize how, like, our friend, Matty's our friend, like we didn't realize how famous he was and then he invited us to his show and he was like, sold out Madison Square Garden. And then I guess now, Taylor Swift is the most famous person in the world. And that's his girlfriend now. That's his girlfriend now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching Vanderpump Rules with my girlfriend, I was like, this is way more interesting than whatever they're talking about with Taylor Swift right now. I was like, this show is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It stands, it stands, it stands. But so, so then there are like petitions now that you have to break up with your boyfriend. And, and then it's just like, that, and yea, our show is like, uh, it's all because of his, the podcast he did with us in February.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got like orange hair. She's quite- she's pretty beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, she went on stage with Taylor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She looks like a normal person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then so, yeah, so then it's become this huge- there was a fucking New Yorker article about it. Wait, what's the ba- is the backlash? That's- that's you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like this is happening in public, I've gotten really stressed, like I had a coffee shop in my neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, get mad at me and like, uh, because I did a tweet and I didn't even say their name and I got banned from the coffee shop and like, you know, that kind of stuff like would stress me out. This is happening. I'm getting literal death threats right now. I have no emotional response to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate racism. I hate racism. For the record, I am on a big platform right now. I fucking hate racism. It's awful. It's just wrong. It's just wrong to be racist. Of course it is. It is wrong to be racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think like, there were like, Japanese interns at Auschwitz? Do you think they were like, oh my fucking dad, he got me this fucking internship, he wants me to get a job?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he did that, that is it. And they revoked? And then they were, then there was an appeal to the, he, Matty did stadium tour, cause in Japan recently, and people tried to revoke his visa. Jesus. Cause of Nick Volland. Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess cause, yeah, I Spice's, uh, woman of color, they thought that we were demeaning her race. But I don't think that that is what, I mean, if anything, it was offensive to Inuits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love her. We love her. Folks, we love her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, well, she came as Isis. I don't want to name her that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's super young, and she's like, hit the Wikipedia. She's very, uh, popular now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if she's listening, I think she is a big fan of this podcast. If you're listening, I would love to have you on the Adam Friedland Show. We're based in New York City. We have an office in Flatiron, very conveniently located in Manhattan. I would love to have you on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So rad. Now I'm speculating about the hotness of a woman. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, folks. I just get in trouble. I get in trouble. This coffee shop thing was like, uh, they called me a white supremacist also. Because I did a tweet, right, where I was like, shout out to the coffee shop with the, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's sick, the prices these days. So expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then I went into my coffee shop in my neighborhood for two years after that tweet. They didn't say anything. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, the, the Cold Roots 550, and I was like, I know, it's like, it's comedy, we do hyperbole, and also with a tip, it's a 650. I tip $1 because I'm a good person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, I don't know, it's me. Chelsea Clinton got mad at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are calling that lady Ilhan Omar, the congresswoman. From Minnesota. From Minnesota, who's like a fucking hero. She's like a refugee that like worked her way into the congress. She's like, she was getting like dragged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's anti-Semitic to say, to say, uh, that Jews love money or something. It's literally, it's literally a fucking lobbying organization. It's like, it is like, for us, like, it looks like a conspiracy. We're not making ourselves look good there, but everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was like calling around and shitting on her. Like AOC was even like, we need to talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, why are you dragging this woman? She like, she, whatever. And I got really upset about it. And then, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Chelsea Clinton started popping off on her. And so I tweeted...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and then, she quote tweeted it and she was like, you're right Adam, I'm not Jewish. But the, the, the trope of, the stereotype of the ugly Jew has been a centuries old trope in antisemitism. She starts lecturing me on antisemitism. Where is, I'm like, I'm Jewish!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also just like, you know, like, so then I just start getting fucking hit. Like thousands of people. Geraldo chimes in, he's like, you're a fucking asshole. Like all these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Avatar is Chris Bosh. It's a picture of Chris Bosh, right? When he was on the raptors and he's like wearing a cowboy hat and he like looks really weird. You know how he looks like a dinosaur like sometimes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, all these, like, fucking, like, women, like, just off of, yeah, this picture right here. Just this picture. So then all these, like, women, like, these, like, Chelsea Clinton, whatever, like, stans, who are, like, clearly, like, just off of white wine at 11 a.m.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this stuff has happened, this stuff just happens to me, and now with this, I don't know, I just can't, I'm not processing it, I'm just like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Zanies is the best. Nashville is, but it's the worst city in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a long term serious partner, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there someone out there who thinks she's your girlfriend or your wife? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I haven't done this in a long invest time, so, ha, see what I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva mattress company. I just bought another Satva mattress. Why? Because I needed a brand new full size mattress for my kiddos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to the company I love and trust, Saatva. Go there for your next mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have excellent children's mattresses. Uhm, and if you go to sotva.com slash the shit, you'll get $200 off your next Sotva purchase. I love this company. I find them to be reliable, high quality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The quality is impeccable. Everything is made in the United States of America. Organic cotton, soft, luxurious. You're buying a luxury product for a fraction of the cost. It makes it, I don't even know why anybody goes anywhere else to buy their mattresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They deliver it, they set up the mattress, they take away the old mattress for a nominal fee. Literally every one of the mattresses in our home now is Saatva. And I buy them because I want to support this company. Saatva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next purchase. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. White t-shirts. You should pack a, put a, uh, uh, pack a lucky stripes on your arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a cool aesthetic. It is a cool aesthetic. But that would suck to not be able to blow loads in chicks, cause I don't think they had birth control yet. Cause back then if you got preggers, you just got married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So scared. Could you imagine how awful that is to be a teenager in 1955? And no abortion like it, like now. No abortion in certain states.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then he goes, I kiss you, but your breath smells like piss. That was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you would go like, oh my god, do you smell that? You do that to me a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all too classy. It would be great if they were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real trash, yeaah. Come on you fuckin' assholes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on you fat fucks and then they really chastise you. That would be really funny actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I asked. So I Googled it. And it's like, so that you can see yourself working out. And I was like, that sounds sus as the kids say, go ahead and Google it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For you. And it's like, so you can see yourself working out. And I'm like, I don't trust that. I'm gonna cover that right up. Cause what if Kendall can see me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you jerk off and be on a treadmill? Sure. There's a camera, see? It's at the top. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know if it's on the bike, but it's definitely on the treadmill. And it's like, so you can watch yourself work out so that you can see yourself on the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fat Dad 102, pick up the pace, chunky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did when I was doing my PT and you looked at me and you're like, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like three weeks ago, like laying in bed, like hacking sick. And you come in and you see me laying in the dark at like 3pm. And you go, you gonna work out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, uhm, I'm sick. So you're not gonna exercise today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is seriously a triumph. Thank you. What you've done with this bod of yours. It is amazing. You look so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Tom, I would argue about life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One cannot be complacent. You can't ever say, oh, I've reached the mountain top. I'm great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to constantly be flogging yourself, telling yourself what a piece of shit you are in every area. And I know the therapist tells me that's not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Christian Bale said, an American psycho. You can always be thinner, richer, better looking. And it's true. You can always be richer, thinner, better looking, and in better shape. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my hero. That's the guy. That's who you listen to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's some kernel of truth to it. I go, yeah, cause I'll be like, my husband like really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, that's why I'm sharing it. I think it's amusing. Because it's funny to be so messed up mentally. Don't you know that mental illness is fun? That's what the whole show is, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's more accessible. So the porno girl is like a pipe dream, right? But what if Kendall is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when they wear tennis shoes and socks and they're naked. It looks terrible. I don't think so. I can't do this. Why not? Back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I mean, that is so much dick. And like, honestly, I have birthed two children. I'm not into stretching it out down there. It's already been stretched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so horrible. That's my nightmare right there. Babe, that is my nightmare. That is my fucking nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can't even picture, but I'm saying my nightmare is you doing this. You're sitting on me with your asshole on my mouth and you're facing me. Does that make sense?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you get one for me for Christmas? Start practicing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This holiday season, if you're looking for a unique gift that inspires curiosity, travel, and culture, give the gift of Babel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babbel is the language learning app that's sold more than 10 million subscriptions. Thanks to Babbel's addictively fun and easy bite sized language lessons, you'll finally be able to discover the wonder that comes with learning a new language. I'm learning Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait. I want to go to Spain and actually speak Spanish. That is my goal for this year. And with Babbel, you only need 10 minutes to complete a lesson so you can start having real life conversations in a new language in as little as three weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other language learning apps use AI for their lesson plans, but Babbel lessons were created by over 150 language experts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And voiced by real native speakers, not computers. With Babbel, you can choose from 14 different languages, including Spanish, French, Italian and German. Plus, Babbel's speech recognition technology helps you to improve your pronunciation and accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many ways to learn with Babbel. In addition to lessons, you can get access to podcasts, games, video stories, and even live classes. Plus, it comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash mom. That's babbel.com slash mom for up to 55% off your subscription. Babbel, language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, those two girls look really nice and friendly and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a stupid thought, but hear me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. Everybody didn't realize that Chris-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did lose his title to chat. We were doing what animals we all look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the animal we came up with for Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, so Eni, are you ready for Eni's animal? Yeah. Ferret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then did we have one for Chad, for Smart Chad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm definitely a bird. I feel very bird-like. Yea, there I am with my plumage. But I'm a male peacock, so I'm a trans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the truth is, I've seen you scratch your back in the house like a bear. Like you literally rake your back up and down. Yeah, you're a vicious killer, you're mean, you look cuddly and cute but you're not, your teeth are large, your eyes are black and terrifying. What? You eat salmon a lot. Yeah, that's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're terrifying. You're terrifying. You scare a lot of people away. The villagers don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what animal do you feel like? There's the animal you feel like and the animal other people think you look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two different stories, cause I feel like a dog, I feel like a Brussels Graffon, but they're telling me I'm a peacock, so these are two different things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're cozy. You're sloth-like too. Like you've got like chill, fuckin' I'd rather be asleep now energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a, some kind of a burrowing animal? Like a mole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's you. That's you. You attack with roar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it that the, the girl who looks like a porno girl becomes a porno girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That mold. Sure. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are civilians compared to sex workers. Geez Louise. That's a whole other lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so gorilla. I could see you feeling like a gorilla, yeaah. Cool. Or I also feel like I'm an iguana. I just love them so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cold as fuck, please. You can't claim to be too hot right now. You cannot say that it's hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, can I make a deal with you? What? If I turn the thermostat to 68, may I have a cuddle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna hold you to it. Set the timer. Wow, this is really exciting for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only ever shaved and, uh, cause I, one time I waxed my legs as a teenager and it hurts so bad that I'm like, I don't, and I'm pretty blondie, like I don't have a ton of hair down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my asshole's smooth all the- I'm pretty hairless, right? Would you say my asshole's pretty- there's not a lot of hair there anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dads just watch football for hours and hours. Dads take stinky shits that permeate the whole house. Dads dominate, like when dad is eating, dad doesn't get fucked with or talk to, like stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's like, I have a T, I'm like, what is my kid gonna cry? You don't, don't. They just, they just wanna snuggle. The four year old wants to snuggle when you're taking a shit all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he just mushes the objects around and I'm like, that's not looking. You're mushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did they get it from fucking each other? Yes. Like sexually transmitted? Yes. Okay. But it's a koala chlamydia. It's koala chlamydia. It's not a human chlamydia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not the one. It's not seductive. No. You need an animal that's seductive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the female skunk, Pepe Lapew's girlfriend. Oh, with the tail up? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Why don't you go like open collar, button down, open collar, long narrow chain to a long gate. Yeah, that's a, that's, and white is tough for guys.


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[Assistant] Yes, that's a huge deal. You look good in a hat, I will say. I think the rocky hat is not a bad look for you.


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[Assistant] That's a great headshot. I always liked that one. The puma. And the blues. That's good. No, that's such a good look for you.


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[Assistant] I was like shit too. I went through a phase where I was like, the fatter and uglier I look, the better it's gonna be for me. And in some regards it was, cause I was at the age where I was like late twenties, early thirties, like still cute, pretty, like in that zone of like hot chick lane, you know what I mean? Kinda worked. And then, and then now I'm like,


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[Assistant] Cause we've been together for so many years that I can be like, yeah, why don't you tell it to go fuck itself or go, why don't you go put your dick in its face and then you'll LOL or why don't you go piss on my shit or something. Like I know how to get him.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, but that's marriage, isn't it? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Oh, yes you do. You told me to calm down before when we fought. Yes, in cars. A million times.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and also too, it's like, what are they inclined towards and lean into that direction? Because you can try to force a kid to learn piano and if they just fucking hate it, or tennis, remember when Ellis was like, fire me, fire me, I don't want to do this. We're like, okay, what am I going to do? I can't make him.


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[Assistant] You know, Boris Becker, it's not, or whatever, it's not gonna fucking happen.


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[Assistant] Literally, yeaah. But he likes soccer, so we keep him enjoying it. Yeaah. He likes it. I never, that was never.


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[Assistant] Dude, he barely flinched. The thing was like, yea. Try again, asshole. He's like, alright, I'll go home. Bye.


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[Assistant] Terrifying. He's got spray? That shit don't work against a bear? What the fuck is in that spray?


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[Assistant] Is that amazing? Woah, woah, woah! He didn't stick! At all! That's it.


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[Assistant] Oh, I've seen Bert fall off of, of an inflatable...


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[Assistant] I've heard Joe Rogan talk about it. Remember, he's like, they have the greatest number of pet tigers and lions. It's in Texas, bro. Like, I've heard him say it. Is it terrible that I want this?


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[Assistant] Yeah, of course. And also too, I've learned to trust my feelings about people and situations way earlier where you're like, just trust how that makes you feel inside. If your stomach is reacting, if your head is, if something's reacting to the thing, then just listen to it.


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[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of Your Mom's House? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


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[Assistant] I like it a lot. Yeah, it means like a disgusting person in Australian.


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[Assistant] Uh, they gave me those trays, and then I forgot to bring them with me to Austin. So I think I need to rewind.


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[Assistant] Not even a boat, inner tubes. You're flowing the river. That's different though.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Chad took us on a boat for his birthday. How was it? Oh no. It was very fun. They loved it. Yeah. How long were you out for? That's what they said.


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[Assistant] I'm just gonna keep doing it. Is it, are the episodes up? So the first five are up. I'm releasing one a week.


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[Assistant] I'll have fun. Good for you. My punishments and his punishments are different because that doesn't, that's not a punishment to me. To me, it's funny, but I'd be able to fuck with somebody. So like, he hates that. That public embarrassment thing for him is huge. For me, he did things like, like I had to get a Brazilian wax and I had never got one of those. I had to get my asshole waxed.


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[Assistant] It was, you know what I said to the esthetician, I said uhm, because when he waxed my butthole, I was like, yea they didn't really hurt.


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[Assistant] I have a tattoo, you know, his name is Jacob. So I have a tattoo on my back that says Jacob is my biological dad. Right here.


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[Assistant] I will say, like, I thought the butthole wax was definitely useful. In the front, I didn't need. You had everything waxed in the front? Yea, the mount, the top of the mount, that's the one that hurt the most. Like above your junkie? Yea, that's gotta hurt. That's the one that hurt the most. And, what I heard was they were supposed to trim it first.


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[Assistant] Here's, here's the best part. So when we found out that the punishment was the waxing, I called my brother.


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[Assistant] And I go, hey, you know, we're shooting the show today. Will you set photographer for me? Cause he does TX pictures. He's like, yeah. He goes, what are you doing? What am I doing? I said, I don't know yet. Just come down.


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[Assistant] So part of the joke for me was, you know, those aesthetician ribs are so small. Super small. So one side had the dude doing the waxing. One side was the three camera, three dudes, two cameras and audio. And in the back where my asshole was up was my son and my brother with a camera. So I'm like, he's like, what do you want me to do? I'm like, you got to get in there and take the pictures. Three days later, he sent me this picture.


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[Assistant] Have you ever been with somebody who had like one or two long straggler nipple hairs? I was with a woman once who had one long left.


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[Assistant] On my YouTube channel, and we, like I said, we self-funded it. You know, I found out a long time ago. So, I dunno, in like 2000-


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[Assistant] 18, I thought I was gonna have to stop doing stand-up. Why? Well,


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[Assistant] Look, after Chelsea ended, I made a, like, I was like, I have to shed this crowd. This isn't my crowd. We don't have, not like I didn't like them, but like, this crowd isn't going to follow me forever because I'm not going to be talking about the things they want me to be talking about.


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[Assistant] So the quicker I shed that and try to build up my own crowd,


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[Assistant] The better idea of where I'll get where I'm, like where my standing is, right?


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[Assistant] And ticket sales started to drop and I was still getting booked, but just not making, and I told my wife, I told Beth, I'm like, Hey, so.


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[Assistant] I may have to, I'm better than I've ever been. This was the frustrating part. I've never felt more comfortable. I'm just not selling tickets. And I'm not going on the road for this anymore.


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[Assistant] Like, I'm just not making the money for our family. And I've made money as a writer and in writer's rooms. So I was like, maybe I'll just have to go back to writing. I said, but I want this hour that I'm doing right now.


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[Assistant] Which was basically a special of mine called Father of the Year.


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[Assistant] Which was one long story about my son challenging me to a fight.


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[Assistant] Right? It came in and out of the story, but it was just a story about him bumping me and bumping into me in the kitchen and telling me he could beat the shit out of me. And which is something, did you do that with your dad? No.


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[Assistant] But I was like, I love this, it feels super relatable to me and I'm just gonna film it myself and put it out there. And nobody, this was before people were doing that.


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[Assistant] Did you have any of your friends ever challenge your dad to a fight?


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[Assistant] Do you know why? Because dads realize, like, the kid wants to win, but the dad has to win.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Because if you lose and your son knows he can beat the shit out of you, you're done. It's, it's tough shit. You know, you try telling him to take out the trash. He's going to be like, look bitch, don't make me fuck you up again.


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[Assistant] These are very specific male rules, yeaah. But can I ask, the only time my kids ever really wanted to talk to me was when I was taking a shot.


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[Assistant] I'm like, you want me to read? I can't tell you how many times I read brown bear on the toilet. Like brown bear, brown bear.


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[Assistant] There is a, such a difference between taking care of little kids with teenagers, you okay? Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there are certain things, there are certain things that you can't, like, that have happened in your marriage, from the outside, you're like, why does that...


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[Assistant] Bother somebody else so much, but you've either answered it or done it so many times, like you can't do it again.


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[Assistant] I was in the airport in Florida, and there was an old woman following an old dude, and he was shuffling around.


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[Assistant] But do you do what my son does? He'll walk downstairs, he'll look in a place where he thought it was, and if it's not there he'll go, I can't find it!


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[Assistant] He needs to have a little chill to him. They chill? Because I smoke a lot of weed. I know you are.


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[Assistant] But like, who is the one who finds out that you can't get it?


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[Assistant] Did you, when you first started doing stand-up, I did, I had in my brain, like the first three or four years, three years probably, this is what I wear on stage. Yes. What was, I'm so curious what was your, I decided vest, I went vest, leather jacket, and you know the hat that Rocky wore in the first Rocky?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, but it looks so much better on him. I have a long, thin...


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[Assistant] Poking you and saying things that I know are gonna bother you. Of course.


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[Assistant] You too. She pushes the exact button. It was the best day of my life and now I just wanna mur- I wanna murrrrder somebody.


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[Assistant] Do you ever do it and know your g- So Beth has started to catch up. She's like, I'm not following him. I'm not following him.


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[Assistant] One of my favorite things to do to her and to my kids is I repeat questions like I didn't hear it. Oh. So I'll just repeat it like three or four times.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we'll work it out. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. They're fine. Forget I said that.


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[Assistant] And the relationship, you know that relationship of messing with each other? Yeaah, it's fun. That's how this is played out. And it is...


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[Assistant] When you cut the crust off their peanut butter sandwich, they don't talk about the perfect tuck in. They're like, you remember that time?


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[Assistant] That's what, when your kids get older- When you fucked with them or something? Yes! Or they fucked with you or something went wrong. You know, for those of you who are trying to make your kids' childhoods perfect, that's not what they remember.


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[Assistant] That's not what they talk about when they come around. They talk about the fun things, the off schedule. They talk about when you fucked with them or they fucked with you or the weird thing that happened on vacation.


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[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? That's what they get around and talk about. And so, I, I guessed right. It could have been wrong, but, but, like,


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[Assistant] If you're trying too hard to make sure your kid's childhood is perfect, that doesn't matter. No! You can't be perfect anyway. You know what, also,


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[Assistant] Like your idea of perfect parenting, I think, I wish I had known this when I was, when I was younger, because you second-guess yourself.


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[Assistant] But every choice you make, right? So say you want your kids, some people's kids are what I would consider over-scheduled.


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[Assistant] However, there are positives and negatives for every decision you make for your kid. The over-scheduled kids, they're really good at, yo, sit down here, be for an hour, sit down here for an hour, this is when this is, this is when this is, and they're good at that. But you throw a little wrench in the, and they don't know what to do. My kids, they can flow with everything, but they're not good with the structure. So there's a negative, like it just depends.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but there's things like Jacob can flow with anything.


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[Assistant] But you put them in something structured. It just depends on what you value as a parent. Yes. So to me, I stopped thinking of...


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[Assistant] Right and wrong in that way. It's like whatever you want your kids to have.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Jacob played one year of soccer when he was seven.


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[Assistant] Played the whole year after the last game, he took off his jersey, he handed it to me and he said, I'm never playing that sport again. And I was like, you don't like it? He said, I hated this whole year. Wow.


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[Assistant] That's the first time he told you? First time he told us, the entire year. And then he was like, where's the Capri sign? I'm like, over there. Yeah, and that was it.


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[Assistant] I-I like, uhm, craps, cause I like the communal...


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[Assistant] Who's a huge- He loves to gamble. He was like, you ever played PyGuy? I'm like, nah, I don't.


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[Assistant] So I, I, I, but he was like, it's fun because you can play and your money, you can win a lot of money, but your money doesn't go as fast.


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[Assistant] And so I kinda like that being able to sit at a table and do that.


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[Assistant] I will throw in, you know, a snake eyes bed or something like that, but I stay pretty basic. You know what I like, I know what I like dude, I like


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[Assistant] I also will, honestly, what's fun for me is like I'll find like a couple of old women with oxygen, oxygen tanks smoking a cigarette on the slots and I'll just sit next to them and I'll ask them their advice. Like there's a strategy for slots, but they have it and those because-


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[Assistant] Let me ask you a question. My cousin, he used to be an actor, he used to be on a show called Party of Five, right?


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[Assistant] He was making some pretty good, at the time, TV money. Yeah. Remember going to Vegas?


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[Assistant] And we used to gamble. And when he was making money, he wasn't gambling. And I said, why? And he said, the truth is...


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[Assistant] In order for me to make enough money for it to matter to me, I would have to be willing to lose that money and I'm not.


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[Assistant] And he said, that's it. He said, I still love it, but if I win a thousand dollars, he's like, I really don't. Yeah. He was like, it's not exciting. And the money that would excite me.


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[Assistant] To, I don't wanna lose that much. Yeah, that makes sense. Does that, do you have that at all? Yes.


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[Assistant] I will tell you, I've liked Vegas more than I thought I was going to.


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[Assistant] So 20 minutes outside of Vegas.


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[Assistant] Okay, so 20 minutes outside of Vegas is the quietest, most chill place.


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[Assistant] When I step outside my house- Hello, you been there? We've been there since December tw- last year.


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[Assistant] It's the most chill, the most neighborhood-y, more parks, more sidewalks, anyplace that I've ever.


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[Assistant] These coyotes look like, uhm, you familiar with that cartoon Balto? Like that big wolf looking?


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[Assistant] And they, you know, I have a half pit, half American bulldog and I was walking at eight in the morning and I turned behind me, not kidding, no more than 20 yards. There was just a coyote following us up the path.


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[Assistant] Damn. No, in LA, those little, meth-y ones, they're scared of you.


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[Assistant] Did you see the one recently of the bear? And that dude with the bear spray?


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[Assistant] The bear is running in and out of the woods following this dude. These videos amaze me.


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[Assistant] I'm not on board for that. Have I been gambling more than I should? Probably.


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[Assistant] Nice. Probably. Like a lot of times I have friends that come to town and I'll be like, Hey, I'm going to go down and see Tom and I'll drive and I'll see a show. And I'm like, you know, I should stop in the casino real quick. Oh, here we go.


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[Assistant] Walking out that, that cat has stopped stalking me. No way, Jose.


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[Assistant] But like, you know, I, I did a uhm, I hosted a show on Shark Week for a couple years.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I asked one of the photographers.


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[Assistant] I asked one of the photographers, I'm like, what are you? Like, you're the one with the camera. What's the deal? And he said, they say if the shark's swimming at you, your best bet is to turn and swim at the shark.


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[Assistant] He said, because in the ocean, nothing swims at the shark.


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[Assistant] Andy, I can't remember his last name, but he basically films all the shark weeks. Have you had a guy named Paul DeGelder on here? Paul is a shark attack survivor. He lost one of his arms and one of his legs in a shark attack. Hold on, hold on. This dude is... He's like, look at me, I'm playful, I'm in a tree. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Why not, why aren't we just spraying bare right now?


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[Assistant] Like a, that doesn't look like it should be able to climb a tree.


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[Assistant] I think I would have tried that a little earlier on in the encounter.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like right when I saw the bear, I'd have been like, you know, I got this bear spray. This is why I brought this. Yeah. And he said, the problem with the shark thing is that sharks are really, they're sneak attack.


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[Assistant] Just swam straight back and the shark veered off and he swam back up. He said, but your instinct is not to do that. I swam with sharks and the guy told me it'll probably bump you first. Don't let it bump you again. It bumps you the first time just to check if you're prey.


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[Assistant] He said, but if it comes back a second time, it thinks you're, so you got to punch it in the nose.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and by the way, what am I gonna be like, oh, you can't see. Oh, that's it. You just done. I, that show, that those, that show, I learned more like in Santa Monica.


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[Assistant] The guy was like, you've been in- I go, I'm kinda nervous. He goes, have you been in the water in Santa Monica? I go, yeah. He said, up to your waist? I said, yeah. He goes, well then you've been within three feet of a shark. And I was like, no way. And he was like, a hundred percent.


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[Assistant] That was the last time I learned more. I also did on that sound net on discovery. That was on discovery.


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[Assistant] I was a host and so one of the things we did on the show is I thought it would be fun because you know, they eat weird things. I said I'll eat something that they ate every episode.


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[Assistant] In one of the episodes I ate with Michelle Beadle, do you know who Michelle is? She was an NFL star. Yea, we ate a live cockroach. Oof. How's it taste?


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[Assistant] It wasn't as bad, so they gave me three options. So they said you can eat one of three things.


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[Assistant] Either they were maggots and I'm like, I'm out on maggots. I've, I've eaten baked maggots. It tastes like popcorn to tell you the truth.


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[Assistant] Uhm, there was this caterpillar, like a light, almost like a Harry Potter blue, like a magical blue, thick caterpillar and these giant cockroaches.


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[Assistant] And I said, it's between these two. And he said, okay, the caterpillar, the problem is it's filled with...


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[Assistant] It was, it was gross because I knew I was eating a cockroach. It's, it's online somewhere, but it, it, it was, but it,


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[Assistant] Didn't taste, it exploded in my mouth, which was kind of gross. That was kind of gross.


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[Assistant] Because I forget when you, a cockroach you can cut in half and it still moves. So you really had to, it was pretty gross. That's gross.


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[Assistant] I was on, uh, my name is Earl and my character died in one of the episodes. You guys know Garcia. Of course, he's been on the show. Garcia is one of my oldest friends dude. He's such a good, good guy. He's the best.


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[Assistant] For a guy in that city to achieve what he's achieved and to stay true to who he is. Yeah.


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[Assistant] This, and I don't, I don't mean he hates people talking about him.


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[Assistant] But if you think about the amount of shows that he's pitched to the amount of shows that have made TV. Like usually, if you had a 1 in 10 success rate of pitching a show to getting it on air, that would be amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I'm gonna tell a story that I could be wrong about. And he'll hate me.


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[Assistant] And raising hope, he was like, I'm just gonna pitch it and I'm gonna have it in the pilot, the mom's gonna die. Right? And she's in jail. And he was like, I have this deal. And uhm,


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[Assistant] But that, that's the kind of... God, he's so talented. He's such a good story.


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[Assistant] But writing and in a vernacular that isn't above anybody's pay grade.


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[Assistant] Right, so he makes the people relatable, and he makes their vernacular relatable, and he elevates the jokes. That'll like him. Yeah, fuck that guy, right? Yeah, fuck him. Fuck him, exactly. Like he, he, he, he, he, and he knows. I don't like his face.


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[Assistant] He's, listen, I will tell you, his face with that beard. God. Did you see him when he got in that bike accident?


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[Assistant] The very first show that I developed in LA was with him.


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[Assistant] He really is. They ended up passing on Greg.


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[Assistant] Some of those dudes, like, he's, he's, like, he hasn't, even the show that is out right now on, uhm, what's it called? Quibi? Right? Freebie, maybe. Freebie, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, Joey, both Joey Diaz and I were, did a part in that.


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[Assistant] By the way, Joe Diaz came and did a guest set for me in Jersey. He's like, first of all, he gets standing ovations when he walks onto the stage.


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[Assistant] Right? Yeah. With him and Brody. Seattle. In Seattle. And I would tell you like, I remember watching those guys.


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[Assistant] Okay, when they first started, both of them had this in common. When they told jokes, they bombed. When they went off script, they murdered.


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[Assistant] Brody, the first time we ever saw Brody snap.


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[Assistant] Was the, was the absolute best. So he was telling jokes and they were bombing in a way that only he could bomb. Nobody has ever in the history of comedy bombed like Brody. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But he goes, guys, I don't think you understand, I've had a rough night. And he goes, do you have any idea how hard it is for a single guy who lives by himself to shave his back and he lifted up his shirt and there were patches of hair.


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[Assistant] All over his back where he just obviously couldn't reach, he goes, I have trouble spots in the whole place.


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[Assistant] Because who is this dude who's just showing us patches of hair on his back? And Joey would tell jokes that were just terrible.


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[Assistant] But when he got mad for people not laughing at his jokes.


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[Assistant] I would tell you right now, and we all know the funniest people in the world, but 15 minutes of Joe Diaz in the OR at the Comedy Store? There's nobody. Nobody's 15 minutes.


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[Assistant] If it's just him talking, telling one of his ridiculous stories, like there's no, when he, I hired him in Seattle.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and I was running this club and he was like, I need a job. And I was like, I was doing this thing on a Tuesday night. Yeaah, I uhm, I had, he and I robbed a safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so, but he, he, he was working the door, he, I had a fetish night. And, uh, it was Tuesday nights.


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[Assistant] The DJ, he showed up in a hearse and he had all his DJ equipment in the back, in a coffin, all that shit, right? I love it. There were these two old dudes dressed like they were in Gone with the Wind. They had their parasols and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were arguing with each other, screaming at the top of their lungs. And I go to Joe, I go, Joe, you gotta toss him out. He goes, what? I go, you gotta toss these dudes out. He goes,


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[Assistant] One of the reasons I think that people don't get offended is cause he's so authentic.


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[Assistant] I do, like that type of, uh, like when I think, uh, you ever go back and watch any Rickles? I've seen like, yea.


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[Assistant] He, that style of joke writing, I wish I had- Look at that face too.


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[Assistant] But that, you know what is, every, you earn trust.


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[Assistant] How come he can say this? They've earned their trust. Yeah. 50 years the guy's been doing this shit for. Yeah, you can't be an open mic'er. There's just some things you're not going to get away with being able to say because the audience doesn't trust you. They don't trust you.


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[Assistant] It's such a huge difference. But, but like uhm, my favorite, and I'm sure you get these questions all the time, when comic, young comics are like,


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[Assistant] I think the reason why there are so many young comics, honestly, is because the people at the top of our game make it look easy. Yeah. So they're like, oh I can fucking, he's just talking.


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[Assistant] I, the last time I went, I took mushrooms before I went and did it because


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[Assistant] I-I would have never been able- I remember what my first joke ever was. Oh god. Because my parents were there. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Oh, my first joke wasn't terrible. My mom was in the front row.


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[Assistant] And I said, hey, and I was 15. I had a mullet. I had, uh, I was wearing a white mesh football shirt, no numbers, just the mesh.


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[Assistant] A thick silver chain. I was full western mass.


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[Assistant] I had my acid wash jeans tucked into my high tops.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I looked a lot like that dude. On the far with the bangs. Yeah, that dude. That's what I look like. And a little Kirk Cameron special for you. The first joke I ever said was, hey everybody, I'm so happy to be here. I'm Josh, I'm 15. I'm nervous, this is the first fucking time I'll be the fucking swearer in front of my cocksucking mom.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but he was like you had to say that's what exactly the next day he was like just saying next time You could have said first fucking time. I could fucking swear in front of my fucking mom. You didn't have to say cocksuckin


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[Assistant] You know how much I- he had, first of all, I'm surprised that we didn't get more


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[Assistant] I have a friend who has goats and he said they're fun. They shit everywhere all the time, but he did say the one thing is that they like to headbutt you.


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[Assistant] And so you might just be standing there and out of nowhere from behind, they just come up and take you out. That's kind of cool. That's cute though.


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[Assistant] Why does her mouth look like it got, like it's not actually her mouth? Well, she's had a lot of work done. Her mouth looks like it was like a filter over her natural nose.


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[Assistant] I, do you ever wonder on a day to day because they, have you read about how many sociopaths are in the country? Sure. Do you ever play the numbers game with like, with your friends? And you're like, hmmm.


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[Assistant] Tongue can be kind of gross. I didn't really like it. I think tongue is super gross. Alligator. The last time I had brain it made me shit in my front yard. Yeah. I, I, my, I was running into the house and Beth goes, you're not, you're not doing that in the house. I'm like, what do you mean?


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[Assistant] Thank you for being on my list of people that I can send those gross videos to. Oh my god, you send the grossest.


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[Assistant] Yeah, by the way, you are one of three people that I can send certain videos.


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[Assistant] Which are the, which is like, like the, the, the snap and half ones? I hate those too. And the more, yeah, the more, with the, like it's swinging a little bit.


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[Assistant] I-I-I'm fascinated by this. She's a fun time.


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[Assistant] I've actually gotten more empathetic. Yeah, of course. It's a good thing.


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[Assistant] Don't ignore it. That, and you know what else? The, the rollercoaster of young person emotions. Oh my god. I've, you know what really helped? Like I've stopped looking at


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[Assistant] Things as success and failure, and I just group it all in as life.


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[Assistant] So if I stop assigning it and I just go, well, there's gonna be good and bad.


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[Assistant] And if I don't assign it either and I'm just like, this is life.


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[Assistant] And it's all part of the deal. I've, my emotions have stopped riding with that kind of stuff.


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[Assistant] My YouTube channel, it's on my YouTube channel, which is, you just go to YouTube and find Josh Wolf. I think it might be Josh Wolf Comedy. But the show's called Family Tussle, and this is what I would just- Family Tussle. Yes. This is what I would say, everybody. You know, I-


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[Assistant] I really did. It's the way to do it. And I will tell you...


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[Assistant] Without a pause, it's the best thing I've ever done in my entire career. That's awesome. It's...


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[Assistant] It all, when people kept telling me what it could or couldn't be and that nobody's gonna watch it, I was, I know what it is.


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[Assistant] And, that's right, because, creatively, look, you know the reason I call it family tussle also?


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[Assistant] It could be, yo, next season, it could be Red Sox fans vs. the Yankees fans. It could be you guys vs. Burton his wife. It could be my, me and Jacob vs. Joe Coy and his kid. It's family tussle. And basically it makes it personal and different.


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[Assistant] Every season. And the punishments we do, like he made me get my asshole waxed and the tattoo.


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[Assistant] Ugh. You see that guy's face? No wonder he hasn't been on a date in a long time. Who would ever want to be with someone who looks like that?


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[Assistant] Hi guys, I am Tara and I killed my stepdad in self-defense.


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[Assistant] We're back. Aw shit. Wild Mates Live 8 on August 17th. You motherfuckers already know we coming back. Your Mom's House Live.


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[Assistant] Listen, Facebook, they got two man kissing on Good Morning America. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Many women, cis women, have the capacity for pregnancy. Many cis women do not have the capacity for pregnancy. Uhm, there are also trans men who are capable of pregnancy as well as non-binary people who are capable of pregnancy.


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[Assistant] We can recognize that this impacts women while also recognizing that it impacts other groups. Those things are not mutually exclusive, Senator Hawley.


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[Assistant] So uhm, I wanna recognize that your line of questioning, uhm, is transphobic, uhm, and it opens up trans people to violence.


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[Assistant] Hello, can I get a, uh, a 24 ounce hot Americano with light cream?


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[Assistant] Yep, and a bag of Sumatra whole beans.


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[Assistant] One of the biggest times that women feel horny is when they can't have it. When you ain't chasing them down. That makes women well horny.


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[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice. Damn it, I actually really, really have explosive anus.


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[Assistant] Diarrhea! There's a thing where I am one of those people. Every time I've written diarrhea, I'm like, huh, and I'll let auto-correct take over. I get it wrong every time. Same. I think what I normally do is di, D-I-A. H. No, or H, or I do D-I-A.


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[Assistant] A R. I do the R and then I'm like, oh the H is before the E at the end. You know, like I'll mess that up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dammit, I actually really really have explosive anus. So yeah. But I think I do the H earlier then. When I'm writing.


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[Assistant] Dude, I actually really, really have explosive anus. Dude! I actually- It's from the ancient Greek-


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's a slang term for the condition called the runs, the squirts, or squits in Britain, the trots.


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[Assistant] I actually really really have explosive anus. Anyway, that's a fantastic TikTok. Maybe the most valuable one you've ever put up. How often?


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[Assistant] Uh, high fat foods, high sugar foods, and those make you have diarrhea more. And, uh, now I don't.


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[Assistant] I eat cleaner and all of a sudden, you wouldn't believe it, I'm shitting healthier.


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[Assistant] Very proud, in awe sometimes, of my healthy browns now.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I eat cleaner and a lot of times I'm like, wow, this is a solid log coming out of me.


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[Assistant] I just, I'm done and I just hit that cycle button. Until it stops. I just let the warm stream, I mean, what is better than a nice warm stream up your culo?


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[Assistant] That's pretty cool. And it's not as fancy as you think. You can get them, you can get them for a hundred bucks. Which is, you know, it's reasonable.


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[Assistant] Uhm, attachment, and then you just press up. But what the kids love, kids love pressing buttons.


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[Assistant] It's fine. Neither does any. He's fine. He's like fuckin' grown man.


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[Assistant] Alright, sure. Uhm, man, this guy is such a fucking legend.


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[Assistant] He's like, he's just always teaching people how to, uh, how to do this, you know, it's like, uhm.


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[Assistant] Oh, he tells you how to find a big bitch, how to do the out of time game, but this, how to avoid paying child support, and the guidance was, go missing.


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[Assistant] Oof. Yeah, so here's more on going to prison.