[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we keep talking about gastro stuff. He goes, but maybe there's something there. Hmm. All right. Uh, all right, we'll do it. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kept looking at me like, what do you wanna do? And I go, dude, I, I trust your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not that deep. So lemme tell you about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, anyways, we do the physical, oh, then he goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, let's run a quick EKG on you. And I'm like, alright. He runs it and as is, has been the case, I have a super low sitting heart rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is again, it's in that, it's in that bit. It's all like jokes about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, man, your heart rate is so low. I go, I know, it hasn't changed though. It's always been like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why? He goes, cause I want to see how low it gets when you're sleeping. He goes, if it gets this low when you're awake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you don't know, you know, the jokes that I make about it are because marathon runners, really, really strong cardiovascular people, their hearts are strong, so therefore they, they don't beat as many times per minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have a, my heart, my sitting heart rate's around 44.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he goes like, are you ever tired? And I'm like, all the time. Yeah, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, I wore that, I slept with like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw people look at it. When I went from him, I went to the, uh, ride aid. I had a button down, yea, like this one. People were like, oh, this guy's about to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do a urine test. He goes, uhm, you're going to take this heart thing home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, okay, then he checks the balls, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not hard though. It's, it's soft to medium. But he checks around. And does he wear gloves or does he have free ball, free hands? No, no, no, free hands. No, he gloves it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has nice hands, yea. And you can tell he knows what to do with a pair of nuts. Like, he knows how to hold them. Medically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I guess because they know, like it's a reflex thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're supposed to go, so if they don't, maybe something's wrong, I don't know. Uhm, anyways, checks me all out. Then comes someone who goes, alright, lay on your left side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now with your left hand, so imagine you're laying on your left side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Extend your hand as far as you can and hold up your cell phone. I'm like, okay. He's like, open the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, alright. He's like, now put the reverse cam, you know, reverse camera on so you can, except for a selfie. And I'm like, what? And he's like, do it. So I put it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, all right, take a picture. And I go, okay. So it's me holding it out. And then he holds his finger up to his nose and he's like, mm, ooh, like that. That's what my doctor did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then comes the moment of truth. He's like, lay, lay there, pull your knees up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it's an index. And it's pretty, I asked him right before I go, you want me to clean up back there? And he kind of smiled and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first, I didn't even know what it looked like. So I real quick did a cursory check back there. I took some paper and I checked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he sticks, he sticks his finger in. And I'm surprised at the ease and also the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, lack of discomfort I'm feeling at first, right? So it's like, okay, and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, alright, that's not bad. And as that thought is processing, like, that's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does a swipe, he goes, he goes, no polyps, like that, and then he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I can feel it. He goes, checking the prostate. I'm like, uh, and I do like, the, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just startled, you know, like absolutely, I go, ah, ah, and he goes, you want a second opinion? I can put another finger in there. And I'm like, dude. And then he pulls it out, he goes, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, man. Like it, it was traumatic. It was traumatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a lot of thoughts about anal after that, like wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tender, I felt tender, I was like, ooooh. I mean, I've never had-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about that like, man, I remember how you guys were like, fucking these clay models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, even those like chapstick sized ones, I go, man, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I didn't think of anything feeling, and I know I had a medical procedure. I'm not trying to equate it with that, but I'm just saying it was so tender. I was like, ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then scoop pieces of the shit into these four vials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I nearly vomited this morning. I also had, uhm, what's it called? Performance anxiety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing too, I, I felt the, you know, nature calling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and each vial has a lid, and when you remove the lid, there's a little shovel scooper, and it's for you to break up poop and put in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, I gotta do, because I also have a busy day. It's not just like, hey, do this, and then you're done. It was, do this, uhm, then go to our house we're moving to, had to do something there, come back here, bed, go back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a lot of stuff. What I'm saying is, I uhm, man, when I finally got it to come out, it was like, it came out, you know, in one, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was kinda mushy, kinda stringy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, in that there was something, I don't know man, here's the thing, I was fucking gagging at like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something I realized too, and I've said this before, I can talk about the act of shitting without a blink. Actual shit? I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're sitting there right there with a cup of your own feces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I had to do those things, I then had to put those containers in a sealed bag in a third bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I dropped off, I dropped off the heart monitor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're gonna tell me what happened overnight. And then I dropped off a bag of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even on the drop-off, he goes, do another urine test. Cause he wanted to make sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got fucking cops, I fucking bought. You guys are genius. How about this? Does this sound like the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could have been the guy. That's one of my favorite things of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a video, these two dudes are like, you can hear them, they're total L.A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like cholo's, yea, like vatos, and they're like, I love...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gang violence so much that they, like, it's like a, a hack premise for a joke that they used to say, remember when they couldn't find Bin Laden and all these guys going, man, they should just send some Crips and Bloods over there, they'll find him, shoot him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys were like, that's how much we love it. And then in the video, they go crazy with machine guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Picture, a picture too by the way. You guys know we waited a long, long, long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get a nice mattress, which, you know, we got a sidebar mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A long, long time to get this. This is a really nice bed frame, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So then when we move, we're like, why don't we get a proper...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like with a nice headboard, you know? And we went to a really nice store and we did it. We're like, we're buying this really nice bed frame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We bought it, let's say, in February, and they were like, it's going to be delivered March 1st. And then right at the end of February, they go, it's not ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, you know, it's been a month, but how much longer? We think in April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they just didn't call back. You remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then anyways, then they were like, okay, when we complain, you're getting the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guys came out and set it up and day one, like you lay on the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think that we, a couple things, we had a newborn baby. Yes. And we also were like, it's new, like maybe this is like settling in. Maybe it's just the kinks, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, man, it's, it just, it felt like it got worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Anyways, I started to get desperate. You know when you, when you have the thought of, you picture them saying, fuck you, you bought it. It's your problem. I used to have, I would have those in my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said the washers, uh, were the wrong ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that certain things weren't done tightly and, you know, we took the mattress off together. Then the box spring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any movement. I mean, you should be able to move without.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you wanna hear a crazy accent or see a crazy, uh, porn clip that's not hardcore? Sure. Which one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my favorite things from the top of this is that he's making a challenge video and not lowering the audio in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard him say any man wants to fight me, which is a pretty bold...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be, although I feel like this guy's less of a piece of shit. Even watching somebody make a I'll fight anybody video, I still feel like he's less of a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, nine stone. What? How could that be right? Nine stones, 126 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So 10 stone is 140, I guess I thought maybe he's like 130 pounds? Alright. Man, with that few teeth, that's fucking nuts. That's really nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, is that how your 13 year olds are? I don't know where he's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit goes down, man. It goes down easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe, maybe that's what's going on. Maybe the teeth are part of his trans, like his binary shift, you know? Maybe his pronoun is, uh, uh, dental? Dental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ears aren't working so good today. I mean, normally this just flows out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is his version of, you know what I'm saying. He's like, listen to me, look at me, listen to me, look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my fucking god, dude. He's annoying me like the retard fucking redneck guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Blue Band redeem themselves. Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. Damn. Good job, Blue Band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah, no, for real. Jesus. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This time they were like, here's an extra 60 bucks for a puppet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] P.S.A. already. Sending in new links, they're like, dude, those aren't even hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I love when they go, like this one came in right now, this is for Tommy Buns, I know he'll get a kick out of it, no link.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that one's real crazy. I guess, you know what, maybe it is Canadian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's just like, uh, I've never, I would never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a... You mentioned retard porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate that. I do too now. So many like quick to the, you know, right to the action, but this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand how you know where it's going, because I haven't even watched it yet. Where is it going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so aggressive in this VO, you know? He's like dumb cunt, so I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so fucking long, right? Oh. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Big retarded finale. The big fake retarded finale. It's a really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, and somebody else, we got a lot of emails about this. This is my fault, but I'm sorry if the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We explained in the last episode, but then we got so much, we just did it to, to be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, and we always are like, oh, one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day, we just said, let's just do it. And uhm, I insisted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I mean, people have been writing a lot like, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Uh, I've been wanting to find these, but I definitely got a bunch of like, what in the fuck? Like my phone shut off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, really sorry if, uh, if it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucked up your storage and everything. But, uh, hope, hope you do like having access to all the back catalogs in eight hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a long time mommy, recently looking through your momma, so I decided to listen to episode 193 with cousin Jeanette. I'm glad you mentioned that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, undoubtedly one of your finest momisodes had an epiphany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show me how those big tits fart. With that being said, I still love the show, immensely adore the main mommies, but seriously, more farts please. You got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a combination of the two, just that it's really been a fart decline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then what happens is you mute them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I let you know, like, that's your fart mic. So whenever you have one, you just unmute it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And guess what, as we're talking about this, as we're having this conversation, the king has returned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And surprisingly enough, he's still ripping some damn farts. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More King farts around an apartment. That's the title of the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's been other kitchens and other rooms though. I feel like he's moved. Maybe he's the kind of guy that can't hold down a job long and therefore moves a lot, you know? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of feels like that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like, I mean, that is a lot of air coming out, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something has, I mean, you either have to be consuming constantly to keep that out, which he likes to consume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pursuing him. He did give a shout out to us though. He did? No, he didn't say it when he had his YouTube channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we, we talked about them, and they were, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found out his, uh, contact info because it was posted I think on LiveLeak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, that looks familiar to me. I think this might be old footage. No. These might be old farts. No. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More farts around my apartment. Thumbs up if you want more apartment farts. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For all my subscribers and love scarfing down tons of fattening and lard gross food,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And garbage to pack in my growing hairy beer gut. My goal is to reach 300 pounds with the help of my fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds, you know, the thing about him is he does have this Banksy quality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny that that came back as we read the other email. That wasn't a setup, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YourMomsHousePodcast.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your pronoun? What the fuck is she talking about? I think it makes sense. What is Zim talking about? Gotta wash your toothies with animal fats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. I love vegan vaginas. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has an environmental advantage because you actually use less toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, when I first did my, yesterday when I did my first dump here, and then I went in for my normal rewipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a classic, it really was a 3.5, it wasn't quite a 4.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was, it was, there was a softness to it, okay, so it was... So maybe closer to four point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was gigantic, okay. And then, but here's what happened. It kinda, the last bit kinda broke off, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't have enough in me to shoot out the last bit so some of it kind of hung there. So I had to go through, had to go through half a roll of toilet paper to get the last bit out and it was just dirty so finally what I had to do is get up and get in the shower and finish off in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do is I make an evaluation, businessman. Christina does that. I make an evaluation. If I'm, if I'm, you know, if I'm a half a roll toilet paper and, and it's still some there, I gotta go to the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what we have to do. We have to, she'll go online. I don't know if Amazon Prime sells these things or not, but she'll find out. The company is called Toto USA. Toto USA? Yea. Okay. They come to install it or how do you? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look into that and have, uh, now you have to pick out your favorite, your favorite place to do it, too. You just can't have it. I mean, we can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got the heated toilets. It's got a heated toilet seat too. That's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's incredible. It is. I can't believe that I'm going to be 69 years old next month and I never used one of those things until yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I met a guy in college that could breathe air in and blow it out. Yeah, I did. Just like that. Not as good as this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't control it like that. Mine just, mine's always spontaneous spur of the moment. Yeaah. It is. It is. Now, now if you try to do it, you can't do it. It's gotta be natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, I remember the, the Boston University tuition was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I, I, I, I think some- Maria?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Embellishing and playing to the role. Yeaah. I mean, I, I, I really, that one I don't believe, I just don't believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? That's my kinda music. I love that music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if, you know, I normally call people by their name. Right, but if you're referring to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would still refer to that other person by their name, rather than they them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm referring to a group of other women. Right, right. Okay. So I think that, you know, the whose responsibility is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it the responsibility of the minority or the majority in which? That's an interesting, that's an interesting question. Okay, and the question is if, if... Can you get closer to the mic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, you know, for me, the challenge is, and I also have... You can raise the arm. The arm. No, not from there. Not from there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, you know, believe that there should be some deference to seniority and tradition, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So can I, can I bring up a question here that I have on my mind? Uh, you can. Okay. You know, there's been a lot about this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now if you have a transgender person,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he goes into a woman's, they use stalls on the women, so it's a little bit different, but if, if the guy gets out of a stall, how are the women going to know he's transgender and not some guy who's in there looking for a peek?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think is, are we going to go to, rather than a, for the future, multisexual unisex restrooms? Yeah, I think we are. That's where I think it's all going. We're going to have bigger bathrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we haven't had any people that look male in the, cause we have lots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why? I think that when you have a real fart like that, it's the tone is too consistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like there's a mechanical device for there for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have this consistent tone, and as you have pressure released in your large bowel, okay, it's not going to be completely consistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's a long, there's, I know, but there's a long section in there that there, that it sounds like it was just the, the frequency didn't really change that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think, I think I told her at the time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I raced into the men's room there, but I just didn't make it in time, so I had to ditch my underwear in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flushed four or five times. Went through a whole roll of toilet paper trying to clean things up. But in the end, I had spots, stains in my crack in my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just, you know, you're the cook, okay? So some of your food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, these are all little tidbits of advice that I, I've helped Tommy's view, listenership.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People told me, I got a bunch of tweets that said, uhm, they're like, holy shit, your dad in studio just sounds like you doing, they're like, I didn't realize how you are a master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Best Balls Beach, Florida. That's good. And, uh, and then we head over to Tampon, uh, the mid Florida Credit Union amphitheater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bunch of, uh, there's a bunch of dates. They're all at TomCigarette.com after the, uh, cock and balls tour ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go then to Charlotte, North Carolina, uh, October 14th, and then I also do- Charlotte? Yeah, Charlotte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we have added a third show at the Trocadero Theater in Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for Andrew Rella for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a, I got a plaque, an official plaque that says I'm the undisputed water champ. And then I also got, uh, two certificates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, what, you didn't say like somebody who's like incapable of doing anything. I'm thinking of like your typical, you see him walking around, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some sort. But I think if you don't have those responsibilities, and you're retarded, that you just keep doing it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm serious. Too indulgent. And I think that having that mental state just restricts your ability to stop yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worked at a, uh, I volunteered at a school when I was a senior in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went during lunch, three times a week, and we would go and hang out, and you know, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he did it in class. I think it just shows you context and everything makes a difference, right? Like I would still, I would never to this day go up to a retarded guy and be like, uh, uh, uh, and that's what he did. He did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might go like, uh, uh, but there's a difference between doing that and doing it to somebody who's severely disabled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, she's right. She knows her drugs, you know. Every pill popper knows that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I mean, can't I just give her enough to OD?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of the, uh, homophobic slurs have started to kind of die down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well yeah, well also I think it has a big thing to do with just the progression of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I think it just, you know, you could be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very full. Thanks. Thanks. Can't believe you didn't want to do it earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, uhm, I am mortified, completely embarrassed, uh, that we, that on the family episode, the Top Dog, Charlie Murray episode, that the Top Dog and Charlie portion had this, uh, feedback, this buzz throughout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to tell you guys that I deeply apologize for that. I had no idea. I didn't even know that was in there when we exported the file.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, it was so great. The content was so great. They were so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask you questions that are made up, and you just make up the answer. Like, I'm gonna ask you real questions, but you make up the answer. So she had all these crazy answers, and we played the answers first for my parents before we revealed that it was a setup. At one point in that setup,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened is the AP looked into the most rigorous research conducted over the last decade, focusing on 25 studies that generally compared the use of toothbrush with the combination of toothbrushes and floss. The findings?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The medical evidence, the research doesn't support that. Just saying it, I think a part of our brains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it feels good to floss. There's no denying it. I mean, I like to, I like flossing. You feel cleaner. I don't know if it's psychological too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's 140 pounds. So think about what it does to your system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, this is uh, but this is probably back in the day, cause you said he used to go, remember when we discovered that uhm, his daily routine wasn't normal, remember when that registered to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like, these are like two of the most famous bait, like children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Parents or parent is famous, but we didn't know who it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five seconds of a Google search, I was able to put it together because I just put like, famous kids named King or something like, you know, I just, some search right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then, and here's one of the things, one time the nanny goes, uh, remember when your dad bought that tiger? And then the, uh, then the, uh, they made them, they took it away. And then like, I looked it up and they're like, Oh, that is, that is tiger. It's weird that the tiger bought a tiger. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The trap pussy is like, uhm, like you, uh, you're supposed to be like over 30, so you're not like as, uh, as much on the market as like a young girl would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you divulge it or not, but the main thing is that like, you hook up with somebody and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We became songwriters in our own right last week by singing impromptu songs, uhm, to our son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you only got a few hours left to live. And then I had a really good song. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's the blood coming out of that? Because, I mean, the idea of the dick breaking has occurred to every man ever. Uhm, but even if like that, like, is he suggesting there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't remember, this is the vegan vagina. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he's always had long hair, but he also wears a bandana. That's usually a dead giveaway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People really, uhm, people really responded to that video. He really got some traction on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a vegan vagina juice, vegan penis juice video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he does have a girlfriend. Maybe he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, why don't we wrap it up? It's been a fun show. Thank you guys for listening. Uhm, we have a punk rock closing song. We don't usually have punk rock. This is a punk rock


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan. Thank you, Dan. Uhm, thank you guys for listening to our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Your Moms House Podcast dot com, check out TomSegura dot com for my live dates and Thousand Ranch dot com for Christina's. And we'll be back next week. Thanks for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dog, this owner, wouldn't say it's a specific breed as such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't go into human pup play for the sex part of it myself. I don't think I've had sex with anyone in pup gear. Doesn't just involve men. I've met female pups. Not many. Depends on your genitalia. They're still not in this video, are they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of the HumePup play community, there's not too many people that know that I'm HumePup. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 27th and 28th, I'm at the La Jolla Comedy Store in La Jolla, California. Come see me. And I'm working on a bunch of one-nighters around the country. So look out for me, probably in the fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then every Saturday, usually, I'm at the Comedy Store in the original room at the 7.30 show, unless I'm in La Jolla. But I'm there usually every Saturday. Come see me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he your second favorite actor? Nah, I don't think he's on the top five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. It's too close to where the car come from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hi, oh, Cleveland Steamer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, uhm, your boy, Old Jumbo Ding Dong over here, I have, uhm, Spokane, Sperm Can Washington, at the all-new Sperm Can Comedy Club, April 21st through 23rd, May 5th through May 7th, Jacksonville, Florida, at the Comedy Zone there, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sear my pubes, New York. Good. Uhm, and then, uh, New York, shit, New Pork Titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not till September, but they're already on sale. It's Caroline's September 8th, 9th and 10th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 19th. It's a long ways away. Sounds like, ah, I don't need to buy my tickets. It's more than half sold out. Uhm, and it's in November. So, Tracadero Theatre, get them now while you can. Barts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it's really cool, I was reading that first ad and you were searching for your email, you were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone wants to add you to their LinkedIn profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't want anything to do with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but, uh, this dude, he's not playing games with all you fuckboys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does it mean? It's a demeaning, you're a bitch of a bitch of a man. You're not even a man, you're a fuckboy. You're a fuckboy. It's a huge insult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, you know where it came from? I think it came out of the fact that, uh, it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like an anger, fuckboy is pejorative, it's full of venom, and it's, I think it's almost like a replacement for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's meant to be really insulting. Right. And uhm, I think it's something that people can yell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With this weekend, uhm, or with this show, there's so many things to talk about, uhm, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the great things that happened, uh, was this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think we should? I think it's a pretty good idea. Oh Jesus fuck. Here's your boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, sure it was. And then how'd it feel? Felt amazing. I've never had so much joy. Great. I even texted you a picture of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tony Trim, who's a great guy, and I just met that, that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I, these guys both see me getting really excited. Oh no no, I'm jumping ahead. Hannibal does a guest bot. I have a video of him hitting the stage. That place erupted. I mean, it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You announced, guess what, George Carlin isn't dead. He's right here. Like they went fucking cra- which was cool to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and he said the time, it was great. Uhm, and also I should say, Bill Squire was on the shows, the full charge, coming back to the West Coast. He stopped in and did me a favor doing those shows, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great. So anyways, the panel was like, I'm going to do my show on the other side of town. Other side of town meaning six, seven miles away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm throwing an after party, and he does this in a lot of cities, like, finds a place after his show and has a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, obviously DJ, his DJ doesn't just do his live show, he does the after party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna come? I go sure. And then he texts me, I'll let you DJ a few songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just knows, I mean, we've talked about music before, but then he saw, I mean, right there I was like asking the DJ all about equipment. Okay, so he was watching you guys. He was watching us, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were talking about it, how when, when Tony's not available, I was like, is that the worst? He's like, yeah, absolutely. Because I like the vibe that it sets for my show. And, you know, then I'm asking a sound guy, can you do this? And they never do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I can hear the sarcasm in your response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the best news ever. So then I get a message from him. So he's like, you know, come, come hang out and you're like, okay, I'm going to come. I have two shows. I have a show that starts at, you know, nine 30 10. I'm going to get it. And you're like, I'm going to go, but you're, it's still like, I got to get in a car, go across town. I get off stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, you know, they set up in the lounge, people are hanging out, having drinks, uhm, he sets up and then I go up there and I go, can I get like a little tutorial? They each are showing me stuff, but Tony's like, giving me kind of a crash course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's like, oh, you're not intimidated by buttons. And I go, I think I'm actually doing this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a board there that, you know, I think he was plugged into. It's just that the, his actual, it's, you know, two basically...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in a mixer, he has an all-in-one board. It's just that remembering, oh, this does this and that does that, I can memorize that and not be like, what is all this right away? I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm saying electronic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not doing anything with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm starting to learn the thing, you know, the very basics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm starting to, I have him take a picture and video, I send it to you and then we're laughing so hard at your responses because your responses are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just like, and then I keep telling him, I'm like, I keep shouting the messages and I'm like, I just enjoy this. He was like, dude, I'm going to give you free Skype lessons. I'm going to get you in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having fun, we're having fun. God damn it. So, anyways, I had an absolute blast doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's not, it's not a crazy thing. It's like buying a keyboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? Because it's one of those things where as time progressed and they made it easier for people to access things it drove the price of things way down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this, I'm gonna put it, it's gonna be obviously in the garage, it's gonna be something I do recreationally for fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I get to the point where I'm not like obviously going to be a professional DJ, but when I get to the point where I have a uhm, a decent command of how to, you know, get songs


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing, moving together, like I have some command of this board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that'll be on the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the leg of it? I feel like it'll be kinda like Spokane, Syracuse, Ibiza, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best thing about if I do a Miami gig is that I can do the gig and be like, hey, my DJ set starts at midnight. And Miami's like, that's what time I'm waking up to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to call Macio and get some tips from him too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so I probably should have left that up. Did you put this, oh yeaah, here it is. By the way, uhm, you know, you haven't seen it yet, but I was in, when I was in Cleveland, I stopped by the, uh, local morning TV show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, oh, I probably should open it here. I uhm, I did a little interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, people were digging it, man. You know, I did something that you might not be expecting, but I just wanted to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But anyways, you know, I put it out there, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, thanks man. Uhm, so I did that on local press in Cleveland and then this morning, this comes on. This comes into us. And just tell me what you think of this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, like, throughout that show. And then he went and found Crazy Loaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this dude on the right owns, uhm, a restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that came up during the show, uhm, anyways, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just talking about that. And then I think it was, I forget how far it is from, I think he said he just drove two hours to meet crazy looks. Oh my God. So at the end of this video,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this ends here pretty quickly, right? Yeaah. And then it's like, it's just him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making a video that he actually shot on the way to meet Crazy Lokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I guess he took to heart the, uh, you know, the part where before I was saying we could do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we could get together and sell tickets and do a charity thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we just have to figure out what exactly are we selling tickets to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think to our fans we could. If you're donating to charity, you're not selling tickets to, you know, actually for what you're watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's an idea. I'm not saying it's set in stone, but I think that's a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you gotta bring crazy locs down, dude. We go up there. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I think we'd do. I think we'd go up there and do it. Okay. Cause you could also, everybody, we could, we could, you know, invite the every


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, the dude says in the video, he's like, you got my email. I don't have your email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says the email's in this, where? You don't put it on the screen, where's your email?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, no, the guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I thought I haven't even seen it, so I just want to know because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is something that hopefully hits you in the heart, you know? You ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just really want you to think about that in terms of how enjoyable it might be for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's no chocolate coming out. There's no chocolate coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My granny used to cook a few things that didn't smell great, but they sure did taste good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Canada has a really strict law about saying fuckboys and making fun of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause he made fun of, uh, that guy in Canada made fun of a disabled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is such a cool gig, uh, for you to get. Ah, it's the best, it was the best. Not only is it the cool gig of narrating something, which is a good gig, but this topic, every, basically every comedian feels this way about it, and you're the voice of the film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, here's a little write-up in Maxim. A new documentary, Can We Take a Joke, presents us with their side of the issue. Directed by Ted Ballacher and narrated by comedian Kristina Pajitsky. Did I say it right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The film shows how luminaries like Gilbert Godfrey, Pendulet, Lisa Lampanelli, Adam Corolla, Jim Norton, and Heather MacDonald have grappled with this trend in American culture. Spoiler alert, they're not too thrilled about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel any way you want to feel about a joke, but it's the idea that your feeling that way outweighs everything else that is outrageous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Like Gilbert, Gilbert lost his job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joke tweet, you know, they're, they're, uh, obviously not the sweetest tweets, but that's, you know, he's a comedian. That's what he's known for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we have a, what is this, a voicemail that came in? Do I play it? How do we get that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, let's see, we have this, uhm, hello, is it the professional composer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or so I thought. Today she called during the day and she used the Italian version of my name to greet me, Matteo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I believe was trying to claim to know me instead of the usual, ciao Paula, leading me to believe this may be a prank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone I know or maybe something far more sinister. I beg for your help by seeing if any mommies out there can translate these voicemails for me. I must get to the bottom of this somehow. Also, the voicemails themselves are pretty funny in Italian, but probably funnier if I knew what the brown she was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've sent the first voicemail from three months ago, along with this email, over and out, Matt. So, we've gotta have a fluent Italian listener, without a doubt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now this makes more sense. Uh, let me see if I can play it now. Let's see what, so this is basically, this person's in the same boat as you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a little different. First of all, I don't think this is a prank. I think this is a genuine phone call. I'll tell you from my limited Italian and Spanish that is very close in a lot of words what is going on. It sounds first of all, definitely like an old woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, it's Ciao Paula, it's Hi Paula. So I thought she was calling you Mateo, but she says Paula, so she's talking to Paula, says who she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm sending you a thousand, like, I'm greeting you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, sending you hugs and bye, bye beautiful. So basically you were right. Is it the Passat or the Echo? Right. It's basically what's going for there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do this thing that's so unfair, no matter when I'm taking a shit, you go, are you ever not shitting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got emails from, from listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could end up getting into like a real debate with them though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No Laquat today, but there's already one that came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so there's a bunch, oh, there's some nam-means and nam-sayings that we should get to. Uh, these are the, uh, the Jim Jones ones. These are really good, I think. Uhm, let me pull these up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, let's see, is it the Jim Jones talks? Here we go. Let's see if these are the ones. This is it, right? Right here. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I do feel what he's saying in every-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, because he can dip his toe in each of the different pools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, because he's so advanced, you would consider this, what, its own, its own thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Actually, you know, it's pretty cool. I mean, she's got a lot of shit going on, so it's, it's, I haven't seen her in a while. She hasn't met our son yet. That's exciting. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's doing other stuff. I was in the Rock Hall of Fame this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got another lady screaming, but she's getting a tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've been wondering, uhm, I've actually been offered by a lot of people. For free ones. But what'd you do? Tattoo artists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, that's pretty, that's pretty not true. We can put dicks have been here on your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, microphone with a microphone cord wrapped all the way in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I'll put, smile why don'tcha. I always write that on myself. Smile why don'tcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those were the first few people that came up on the contest. My score would be, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have Nick Hawk doing his Rippity Raps. We have the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beverly Hills Plastic Surgeon is like, I dedicate this, a lot of times when you're in surgery, you need something to go wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot more fun, even with it being bad at Nick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well I like this, I like the cyanides going for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I'll tell you I like more than at this than I do at traditional beauty pageants is that they're really doing, this is obviously the talent portion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one of them shoved the mic up her cooch. Right. And I would rather see that at Miss America than that bullshit when they're like, I fucking, I flip this in the air and then I catch it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, because I think in this case what they're saying is those beauty pageants are so misguided and their interpretation of beauty is so one dimensional that we're going to bring women to the table that aren't traditionally beautiful, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck, this always happens to me. Uhm, you don't like doing that at all, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you combine the girls clip from earlier about eating ass,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would not. But I don't think it would smell good either. Let's jump ahead to uhm, Miss, Miss, uh, Cyanide's performance. I want to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's feeling good about herself. And then now, here's what you've been waiting for, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, by the way, I ordered my DJ equipment through yourmomshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazon banner. I can see your eyes roll, just so you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, we gotta get into this. So, last week we did a fill her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, two submissions have gotten the most amount of votes. But then a wild card late submission came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So first I'll play you the first two, uhm, the first two that have the highest votes so far in the contest, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's from John. Love it. Simple. This one's from Ali.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's by Ali, also great. And then here's the, uh, the late submission that, uh, I haven't even heard yet, but I've heard is good, from Rick. Here we go. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good when they're both really really hot or both really really not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could just see it, I just feel like it's, it's part of the foundation. If you, at his funeral, they're gonna talk about how he used to eat pussy like nobody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can feel it. He was part of those civil rights marching things. I mean, he's a giver, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a gay man, I know you're not a gay man, but we both gotta come, so, uh, what do you need me to do to your balls? And I'd be like, Bernie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he would be, uh, yeaah, I think, I think it would be unbearable with, with the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a meanie. I like it. It turns me on. I feel like. And she was the CEO, I think, of IBM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. See, I feel like Carly would put cigarettes out of my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she'd be like, I gotta pee. And I'd be like, okay, I'll wait here. And she'd be like, no, open up your mouth. Oh, okay. And she'd piss out the ashes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I like when uhm, oh Carly, like here's, here's Carly, I'm eating her butt, and then she's looking back like, is that all you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I choose her. I can't believe you're choosing Hillary. But it makes sense. Well, I know, but you're right. Maybe she has a lot of less experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? There's a challenge and then there's a disc. Which one should I play? The Spark Challenge. The Spark Challenge? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, as always, thank you for listening to YourMomsHousePodcast.com. Please email us anything you want, a submission, a video, a link, a thought, a question. YourMomsPodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] gmail.com. Uh, the Facebook page is facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. It just got over 10,000 likes. Hey now. Hey now. Uh, my tickets to my live stand-up shows are at tomseguro.com slash shows. Uh, Christina's are at thousand ranch.com.


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[Assistant] Manchester? Manchester? Manchester? Manchester? Manchester? Manchester? Birmingham? Manchester?


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's a bit of a whiffle. It's a bit of a whiffle, isn't it?


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[Assistant] I got my flow shot and then I came out of it talking like this.


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[Assistant] It ain't no way to prevent it, that shit can go on. Niggas, families like niggas that come up in the hood and get punked all their life and they turn into a cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a world. Is that we have a show for you. So much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew we were coming here, I was looking at the trailers that have been released and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing. Like they said, hi, here are your, here's what you're going to be playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think definitely you can see the kind of, you know, when you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're really doing this really cool thing to sort of ground you with that character and get familiar with her. But to your point about kind of the bio shock of it all.


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[Assistant] Part of the language of the world already in terms of things that I could interact with, even the way that you get, um, so if you see the trailer that you'll have a kind of power in one hand, a weapon in the other hand and immediately I'm given.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we haven't really set up the, the conceit of the plot and we're going to spoiler free as much as we can, but basically, uh, kind of the end of the world and one man has seen it coming through, uh, an LLM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and so basically, rich man decides to save humanity and sends people up into space to try and find a new planet, a new golden world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As with all, you know, we've seen it happen with Rapture. We've seen it happen with Columbia. Goes to shit very quickly. And, uh, so that's, that's the ship that you're on. That's the Mayflower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as Judas, you are suffering from memory loss, which is, I kind of love that because, you know, you as the player don't have any concept either of why you're there. And so you kind of are discovering it at the same time she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, there's no one really on the, on the ship anymore.


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[Assistant] Is, uh, it can go different ways. And that's where the big three kind of comes in because they each have their own way.


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[Assistant] They want to either complete the mission, ignore it completely and that's when it gets


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[Assistant] What, in terms of narratively, you know, making decisions and then seeing the other two react to your decisions in various ways, either by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the ones that, uh, you've kind of aligned with will, will help you out. And so the thing that is, is that we played for five hours and I feel like I've barely seen where that's going to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was towards definitely the latter couple of hours of my playtime when I started to see more of it happen and more of things having an impact. But yeah, I'm really intrigued to see just how, how many repercussions that's going to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the first couple hours you're getting in that very linear, obviously there are things and mechanics that.


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[Assistant] We haven't talked about the biggest surprise, is that it's actually a rogue light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also think as well, I mean, you know, Rapture and Columbia were as much a character in their games. And the Mayflower as well is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in, um, in Columbia, all of the kind of propaganda reposters and keeping people in line. It's very confronting. And I want to see, really see where that goes. Cause there's one sequence that we, we talk about in our chat with Ken where it is this big public shaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay on the mission because, you know, it's kind of the fate of humanity. But also, I mean, do you see that Black Mirror episode of, um,


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[Assistant] He's like a bathysphere from Bioshock, if you want to use that analogy, but he's a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but no, so there's a thing called Egg and you, you find all of these components throughout the world and then it's, yea, you have to kind of decide what you want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, if Firestock Infinite had, you know, memorable music moments, this one definitely did. There was one in particular that just had a really big smile on my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go to buyraycon.com slash friends today and get 20% off your Raycon order plus free shipping. That is 20% off buyraycon.com slash friends to score 20% off and free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think if I left my own devices, I would have, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blood like pate and just, you know, severe mineral deficiencies. But, and I'm, I'm always like really put off by how complex like taking minerals and making sure your nutrition is up to scratch can be, but just doing one scoop, cold water, super easy in the morning, setting myself up for a good day, uh, feels really good. And that's why we've been partnered with them for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 years, infinite shipped, DLC is shipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll definitely get onto Narrative Lego in a little bit, but I wanted to know because we were chatting yesterday and I'm really interested in what things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Combat changing in Resident Evil 4, uh, the Nemesis system, uh, even XCOM procedurally generating, um, you've put all of this into one game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has it worked out the way that you planned it? Have you had to make some concessions to make it all work?


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[Assistant] Like I said yesterday, I was looking forward to dying in a weird way because there would be subtle changes or new things to discover.


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[Assistant] Definitely separates him out from Andrew Ryan from Comstock because it is a thing that would connect with. I love the way that with the big three, their motivations are all so different, but you can see where each of them are coming from. And I think for me, that was when I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was, you know, we had five hours of the game. I wanted to kind of push it and see what I could do, but I could definitely feel myself.


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[Assistant] Going towards one over the other and then say something and I would be kind of conflicted. When writing it, do you have a particular ideology that you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, put into one of those three characters that you, you would go for?


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[Assistant] So when playing as well, one thing that I was not expecting was the structure of the Mayflower, because obviously you see the ship and you're like, oh, I'm just going to be able to walk around it as if I'm in Rapture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is, you know, there's this kind of overworld map and you get there to each different kind of region, which is then sort of pseudo procedure generated with, um, help of Scuttle based after your dog Kirby. Um, how did that all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of come together and the fact that there is this resource management that kind of prevents you from going too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, even, not even necessarily enemy types unless I missed something, but you know, going into the nursery and seeing the kind of, um, nanny bot or the midwife


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The monkeys, the psychological experiment with the wire monkey in the class. The wire monkey was a big, a big, big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so uhm, there was a psychological experiment when it comes to discovering how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it, it's a nature or nurture and what they would do is they would put little baby, baby monkeys taken from their mothers and they would put them in a cage with a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A soft toy basically so that they could cuddle on it. The other one would be wire to see which one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More food. Yeah. And so, uh, even though the Y1 provided more food, they would always default to the cloth monkey mother because it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that was Tofroy. Tofroy? Tofroy? I don't know. And then here's Sean D'Al with this.


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[Assistant] Thank you for sending in your music, your instrumentals and your songs that you make for the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Buffalo is coming with me. Barfalo. Barfalo. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, should be great. Four shows there. Really moving quickly the tickets. It's amazing. It's a big room. Uhm, but thank you guys for your support there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To come on you in Washington. Washington is so annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The punchline in sac, my ball Sacramento, California. Big Ernie's coming with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, as soon as the tickets are on sale, I'll mention them. Jane's anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's a kid. He's British. He's 18 now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you call him a shithead for stealing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How annoying would it be? Is there anything more annoying than when there's a couple and somebody just posts? Yes. It's so fucking terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we both know people like that. Uhm, it's so gross when they do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you ready to do this? Yeah. Let's do this.


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[Assistant] And uhm, it was a really underwhelming fight.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Joe watched the fight. It wasn't a UFC fight, but he watched it.


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[Assistant] And tweeted out, this may be the worst fight I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It basically shows you the difference between pros and amateurs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both of them got internet fame. Dada is more from actually Billy Corbin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who you know directed Cocaine Cowboys, you know, those, uh, about Griselda Blanco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So his, his, he made a documentary, uh, I think Dog Fight is what it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which Dada 5000 is one of the stars of, which it basically highlights backyard brawls in Miami, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so that's what this guy got a reputation for, or got a reputation from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was a kind of a notorious backyard brawler before these documentaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or before Billy's documentary and he got famous basically because he also looks like a, like just a terrifying dude, you know, just big beard, huge build and, and there's video of him just fucking people up in backyards, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you take guys like that, you know, a street fighter, let's call it, and you try to put them in a professional setting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were just both out of breath and it looked like, I think they said in the, I saw a story or a report


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[Assistant] Yeah, so that's like a red carpet interview before, some, some pressing going on.


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[Assistant] No one's asking you that, yeah man. So, so anyways, they ask him before it all goes down, they said, hey man,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you believe in abstaining from sex before fights? Like a lot of athletes do.


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[Assistant] Well somebody pointed out back then when we played it more, they were saying that you need a real formula for you know what I'm saying.


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[Assistant] And I think, I do think you have to throw them in to the, to the...


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[Assistant] Throw their hat in the ring, if you will. Uhm, the nah means and nah, you know.


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[Assistant] Now he's letting it go, you know what I'm saying? Sure. Which is the original, you know what I'm saying? Sure.


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[Assistant] But then, you know what I'm saying? And no, I'm saying that's the same shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Uh, we'll get back to them in a moment.


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[Assistant] It's exciting to move. We're moving back to proper Los Angeles. We're kind of south in Los Angeles County by 20 miles.


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[Assistant] So it's a commute. It's been a fun, fun go down here.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so we're gonna be living in the front part of the neighborhood. And uhm, yeaah, it's just gonna be good to be back in LA.


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[Assistant] And they, somebody wrote like, what's up with your, your office looks like you guys are on the run from the feds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, yeah, yeah, with regard to the Pilates, uhm, I'm definitely going to talk to them. And I was like, oh, well, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not the last move to our current place, but the move before.


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[Assistant] The only, the bad thing in that neighborhood at the time really was, uhm, theft, like break-ins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uhm, car insurance went way down. And I was like, wait a minute, what? And they said, oh yea, you moved from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I remember the most about that place is that I was on a BET show.


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[Assistant] One day, so I, uh, one of the guys in the hall, just a nice dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just see him, you know, walking in and out. You'd see him on the elevator. So I show up to this BET shoot and who's there but the guy who lives on our hall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what are you doing here? And he goes, I'm a producer on this. What are you doing here? And I'm like, I'm on the show.


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[Assistant] Oh cool, so it's a guy that I'm friendly with. So, you know, it's kind of cool to run into him at this shoot. So we tape the show, a little while later I see him on the hall, in the hallway and I go, hey man, uhm, is there a way I can get a copy of my set on that show? Cause that was like a big, that was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was bigger then to do than now. Now everything kinda lives online, so you don't really have to request things. But back then you did. Anything that you did, you'd try to get a copy of, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So, can I get that? And he goes, oh no man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you could call whatever.


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[Assistant] Like the office and ask for somebody. Maybe they can get it. I'm like, wait, weren't you a producer on the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can call somebody though. He gave me the number, he gave me a number that I called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I told the lady, um, yeaah, I was on the show, one mic, you know, and I want to get a copy. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll leave a message for somebody, like, not for me, I'll leave a message for somebody else. I called a couple times, it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like I was asking them for, you know, to donate organs. Right. And while they're alive, could you give me your kidney now? And they're like, I don't know, man. I can't do that. It's too hard. It's going to hurt a lot. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Key, like a lot of people in buildings where you have shared laundry units.


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[Assistant] So one time, you know, I checked the machine, there's laundry in it. I go back 30 minutes later, it's still there. I go back 30 minutes later, it's still there. So I took it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as I was leaving the machine at the laundry room, he walked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you take this out of there? And I go, uh, I didn't see, I saw, that was like that. So I just put the, cause of the other thing and he goes, man, can't believe somebody would touch my stuff. And I'm sitting there thinking like, dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You left it there for an hour? You think that's okay? It's not, it's, it's not, it's a public machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so this is it, man. You know, uhm, Bribright pointed out to me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty much, uhm, my whole, my whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, with exception, with the exception being the first move, because I was nine years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next city, three years. Next city, three and a half years. College, four years. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I feel that way with cars too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so we played Kimbo, who was saying, you know, you know, you know, uhm, and then I just played a little drop there of Conor McGregor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a UFC fighter who has won at multiple weight classes, I believe, and he's going to fight again at a different weight class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I just love his attitude here, because he's being asked, you know, what, I think what he wants to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the expectations were low. Where's that? Where's that coming from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, back then we had to talk about farts and fart on command.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're a big fan for people that don't know. You like that, that bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baby Jesus, all of a sudden, he's like, where's that wood pulp at, mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm kind of excited. I mean, I actually have a much greater need for a bidet than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I have a lot of hair down there. So, you know, I usually wet a bunch of paper. It's a whole process.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but now I just have just a warm stream of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time in between those shits. I only shit like three times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the hardest thing is? Is to knock out sugar. It's so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like a fucking sugar addict. I am a sugar addict. You think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I could probably turn down a lot of like the foods that are, you know, you shouldn't be eating, but sugar is hard to resist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By dinner, by the evening, I can start to feel the sugar withdrawal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying if I avoid it all together, not just, not just something, uh, uh, sweet, you know, obviously sugar, uh, made


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Food, I'm saying, if you start, if you consciously try to avoid sugar through the day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's okay. It's okay, mommy. Uhm, you know, it's not... It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard. I know, it's depressing to me to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long now? Six months? Yeaah. What I, that I was offensive? Yeaah. So, I'll just say what happened. Yeaah. So we were at a wedding in August, uhm, it was the last trip you could take because you were preggers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're getting into the third trimester.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were hanging out and the ceremony, the wedding actual ceremony had finished and people stepped outside of the church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, you know, I'm just kind of making the rounds and one of my sisters comes up to me and she goes, and I was telling you this story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, that, that it stuck with me that I thought she overreacted because my sister came up to me and she goes, oh, hey, you know, you gotta get Christina a push present because she's going to have a baby. And I said, yeah, no shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and then my sister cried immediately and, and pretty intensely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Around that patio and she goes, hey, uh, you know, you gotta get Christina a push present. I go, yeah, no shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and I think if you want to strip away the, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I mean, it's, you know, there's a lot of layers to it with siblings, you know, so for me it was, for me I took, it was, I was obviously defensive and it's, it's about my sibling trying to be the teacher in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of them are like, yeah, no shit, you dumb fuck, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Maria would have responded. Maria would have had a different. Maria would have been like, you know, she'd be like, I don't know your fucking problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was internally what was going on. I was just going like, you're not one to inform me of anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get, you know what I mean? Like when people have their suggestions. That's the worst. Yeah, and you're like, uh, I got it, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless I ask you. You know what it is? It's unsolicited advice. Nobody likes unsolicited advice. You know, we get it as comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I even get email, I get an email from people that go, hey man, I was watching your special and I thought of a really great


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just read it and I don't respond. I mean that stuff doesn't upset me because I just feel like it's a crazy person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, when people who know you start going like, you know how you could better live your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That even with regard to a move I don't want a lot of outsiders there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like these light fixtures that I'm a big fan of. Why don't you put them in your fucking cooch and see if that lights up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, I really hate, I think it goes back to unsolicited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People's uhm, design ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get it with this too, with this episode. I'm gonna be, you know, people are gonna be like, you know, with regard to the sugar that you were talking about, what I would do, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're looking to lose weight, you could try doing more exercise and eating healthier. No fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know they want to help you, but masked under that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna help you is a sense of superiority.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's an implied sense of I am the one that can help you with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Earlier, I had, we had internet troubles, and uh, we don't have them anymore. We played Kimbo talking about abstaining from sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I tried to set up the Conor McGregor clip, and the internet went down. I just think you'll love this guy's attitude. You don't know who he is, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a superstar in the UFC and he's being asked by somebody that, you know, he's basically being asked, you're, you're, people are saying that you're, you're kind of doing whatever you want is, is, is the interviewer asking him, okay. And then here's what he.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he needs a podcast. He's a big ol' shit talker. He's great. He's great, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you do have to earn that life. That life isn't given to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Retarded. Clips that we've played in the past has to be of this young man who is telling you what he's looking for. I believe in a mate. Uhm, do you know what I'm talking about? No. Yeah. A guy, we've played a clip of him saying that he, he just wants someone to get real fat with and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not that much older now. And he just got a really nice car. So we were talking about his car to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy is fucking phenomenal. He probably doesn't dress cool either if I remember correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no, I have no actual real issue. This is just great clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Ellis shows up and he's like, hey, what's up, faggot to me. And I'm like, hey, and he goes, where's his fucking tits at? And I go, she's in taking a bath. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going, I'm going to a concert this weekend. Bye. I'm taking your car. Peace, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kid's got a lot of fucking problems. If our kid does this, we lost him. We lost him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's always, it's miss, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? Misappointed energy? Misdirected, yeaah. Yes. I think whenever you're into any band as much, not just Juggler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you really want to be a part or, you know, speaks to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seductive. I love the pixies. You know, but you don't let it be your entire identity. If it was just 24 seven pixies, I'd be like, there's something really going on with you that you're not addressing. That's the problem here is that there's something going on that you're not addressing.


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[Assistant] I have no idea. I have no idea. It's uhm...


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[Assistant] It's a lot. Now let's get to the important part. How many no sayings he did?


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[Assistant] I feel like somebody should tell this guy, you're a fucking idiot, and then he should go, no shit! That would be perfect. Yea. Yea, you got a lot of issues, man.


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[Assistant] Uh, hey mommies slash hitlers. Congratulations on the arrival of little jeans.


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[Assistant] Long time denim wearer writing in to suggest that you frame a picture of maybe the hotel or even the room door from the same, from the famed Cincinnati fart to hang in the studio.


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[Assistant] Secondly, awesome job Christina on this deep row, love that shit, and Tom, keep up the vlogs. Last and selfishly, the main reason I'm writing to you, trouble finding denim that fits.


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[Assistant] A new lifestyle has changed my crotch, thigh, ass area measurements over the past couple years to the point


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[Assistant] Heating Rogan's advice and trying out those stretchy barbell jeans seems to be my best bet out there, but not made of real denim. I need to know if I can wear these. Could you comment in this


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[Assistant] Fake stretchy denim legitimacy please. Highest and tightest for as long as I can bear it. Bill. P.S. I love you fucking mommies.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, Joe's been wearing them. They basically look like jeans.


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[Assistant] They're different fabric and they're super stretchy, so you can really move around in them.


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[Assistant] Consider us not friends, and consider us over.


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[Assistant] Well here's the thing, sometimes when you say tight, you assume that it means tight everywhere.


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[Assistant] I'm saying if the waist feels fine, like comfortable.


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[Assistant] But it's tight in other places, but it feels good. There's certain days for that.


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[Assistant] I don't like that every day, but there's just certain days where that feels good.


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[Assistant] There's, I'll tell you what I think is way worse. I'm being serious. When jeans are too loose on your waist.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm pretty much a purist and I'm not advocating wearing these fake denim jeans, but


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[Assistant] If you support that kind of lifestyle, you know, we know who's real in this relationship.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so, we haven't addressed this yet today.


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[Assistant] But is also so in line with the show. I don't know if you've heard this yet. This is from Danny.


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[Assistant] Uhm, we get an email from a listener that says, Hey Hitlers, love the momcast, it's probably the bestest podcast on the internet right meow. Thank you. Maybe even the best show on the planet ever, but I digress. As any Fuhrer fan knows,


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[Assistant] Mr. Adolf is alive and living at large in Argentina. Some say it's a conspiracy theory, but I say there's solid evidence of his well being. A. There's a Wikipedia page dedicated to it.


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[Assistant] And B, who would post a YouTube video asking for help from a dead man? That would just be insane.


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[Assistant] He's like, I gotta figure out how to get that guy out of that belly button. Yeah. Yes. I think that is what's going on.


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[Assistant] Thank you, Dani. Let's see what I can conjure up today.


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[Assistant] Whereas Danny was gonna do it to the man she loves, on his nose and in his mouth. Uhm.


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[Assistant] A lot more than you have.


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[Assistant] I try to respect people's uhm, you know, quirks and fetishes, but.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I can't, I can't get into it either, man. I can't imagine, you know,


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[Assistant] Alright, sure. Just give me a few. We have a couple other things to get to.


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[Assistant] That's our little interlude now. So uhm, thank you Cathy and everyone at Dump Cakes.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I'm happy that he was on the show. And then Diego, aka Thursdaylane, posted a video


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[Assistant] Uhm, thanking us. Oh, that's sweet. So I thought that was very nice of him.


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[Assistant] Not at one of your, um, but it was very funny that he was on Taj and I think it's very sweet of...


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[Assistant] Thursday, who wants those farts to give us a shout.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he literally had about 13 views on a video. Now that first video we played,


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[Assistant] Has 104,000 views. Wow. And the next one that we played, which had a few views, has 29,000.


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[Assistant] We used to play that years ago, for those of people that don't know, there was a VH1 show called Mob Wives, and it had really some entertaining folks on it, of whom the most entertaining was Big Ange, and then she got her own spin-off show.


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[Assistant] But anyways, it's very sad that she had cancer, I think, right?


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[Assistant] Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Massage. Facial. That's right. Do it in heaven.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's definitely that. Uhm, what did I want to tell you? I got this


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[Assistant] Alright, we're back from the official pee break. Uhm, how was your pee?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's one of the big things about peeing is they say push as hard as you can. Grab the side of the bowl, hold on, and push as hard as you can when you pee or brown.


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[Assistant] It should hurt, it should be really... Doctors will tell you, make sure you're in pain before you go.


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[Assistant] Academy Award winning actor, Denzel Washington.


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[Assistant] Denzel has been the go to for a lot of people for a lot of years. But I just want to point out, first of all, he still looks great. You know, if you're looking to get that


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[Assistant] He's too sweet. We met him, but we didn't fuck him. So we're not, we're not, we're still guessing.


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[Assistant] Atlanta, Hartsfield Jackson, you had tacos before the international Atlanta to Johannesburg flight.


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[Assistant] Back to the loads. I'm going 100% with Idris Elba.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like, you know, I feel like Denzel has been on the mountaintop for so long.


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[Assistant] That he's always just grabbing you by the back of your head.


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[Assistant] Putting it in between his cheek butt cheeks and he's just going, eat your dinner.


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[Assistant] And it's just like a command. And he's not even happy that you did it. Like he's like, eh, I've had better. Just totally taking everything for granted. Now Idris is a smooth dude and he gets laid I'm sure a lot. But I still feel like it's gonna be...


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[Assistant] He's gonna, he's, you know, he's gonna drag you, he'll drag you by your hair, but he's gonna appreciate what you do, and he's, you know, I'm sure he'll do that thing where he wipes his dick on your forehead when he's done.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, well I think Denzel will wipe his ass on your forehead. But I think Idris will just wipe his dick there.


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[Assistant] Idris is the new dick of the month. You know, he's really pulled his dick out and put it on top of the mountain.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think it'll be, I think it'll be cooler and then I'll ask him stories about the wire and he'll be like, how'd you do that accent?


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[Assistant] Well, he, he, he sounded like just an American dude, you know. Oh, and he's from. He's British. Oh, he's British. He's so good at it, you would never assume that he's doing an accent. Cause it's also, it's not just he's doing American, he's, he's speaking, he's doing like


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[Assistant] You know, the, the, the slang of, of, of US culture so naturally that you, it doesn't even occur to you.


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[Assistant] You're a student of history. You hear him speak there, right? Yeah. And then here is uhm, here is.


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[Assistant] See, I'd be like, dude, do different accents as you fuck me.


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[Assistant] I think he would say something like, well it depends which accents he's doing. Do the British one.


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[Assistant] But you think and then all of a sudden you realize you did it and what happened? That's probably how it is, right? He kicks you out when he goes, get out, when he's done.


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[Assistant] And then you get, you walk out of the room and you go, I just licked that guy's armpit for 30 minutes.


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[Assistant] That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. I think when somebody degrades you but you don't realize that it happened in the moment, that's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] How many times have you looked at a guy's armpit for like half an hour? And she's like, what? And you go, this guy Denzel made me do it.


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[Assistant] Anyways, so we voted there. Let's see what the listeners do. Make sure you vote. Uhm, I think there's always a, a link to votes. If you go to facebook.com


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[Assistant] Uh, slash your mom's house podcast. They always, uhm, a listener sets up.


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[Assistant] A place that you can actually vote on the filler-up and sealer shots. It's very exciting. Uhm, okay. So, we continue Black History Month award-winning actors, females.


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[Assistant] Taraji's on the show, what was it, is she on Empire? Or is somebody else on Empire? Uhm. What the fuck, she just won something.


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[Assistant] Uh, I would, I wouldn't want her to get upset with what, with what, uhm,


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[Assistant] You just, okay yeaah, she's on Empire. Uhm, and she just won, and... Let me look her up. Here she is.


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[Assistant] Uhm, is that speech, I'm sure it's widely available.


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[Assistant] And she gave a crazy speech. That's what this says.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she won, she just won an award. Did she won a SAG award? Or was it a Golden Globe? Or both? Which one was it? It looks like she won...


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[Assistant] This is so hard, the moment you want to pull it up. Viola Davis.