[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'm being crazy thinking that she wants to be, like maybe she just did that thing and she's the one who's just wanted a sexual fling. So you, you start, if you're playing guessing games in your own head, you're usually not confident enough to voice them, you know? So what ends up feeling safer is like kind of the more childish thing to do, which is to be like, I'll text less, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best kind of clip. So there is erotic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you, could you handle though, like the fact that you, I mean this would be the guy? Like would you be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? That in the last, in the last few years, my aversion to seeing any public kissing has grown to a point, like in movies, TV shows, any, when people start kissing, I'm like, oh fuck, I don't know. I, I really get, I get like upset by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open make out really makes me want to vomit, but I even like seeing people just kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, here's a different guy. I don't have a friend. Let's change it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's good, he goes. Uhm, let me see if there's somebody else that you would like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's gonna make you rethink that choice? Guess who's back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that Nikki always has curveballs that you don't expect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My thought on you, you're in New York, it's a city of fucking ballers, okay? You are a high achiever, you have a big career, a lot of things going on, attractive lady, why, like, you need to be with another


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because most, no, because probably most of the available, you know, are not going to be high achievers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't know this. Christina doesn't know. Can you tell her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you hold your accusation to a standard of certainty before you let them know. Because you're right, if like, if the guy happened to not be doing, no no, if you're saying, you're saying as the person there, okay, then that is fair enough to not, you know, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also we found out, I don't know if you care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you even, here's the thing is, like, how do you even at this moment be like, this is when I want to put something in my ass. You know what I mean? Like, on the sidewalk, it's dirty, and you're fucking, you're just like, yeah, right about now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there was emotionally and then there's obviously the fucking bat to the leg. That didn't help either. Something what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, as a single lady, and you're on social media,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the DMs like for you? Do you get hit up a lot? Do you ever take, do you ever act on a DM? Like do you meet somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And private. Private's so annoying. I just feel like it's annoying in general. Just to be like, I'm on this app with all of you, but I keep my stuff locked up. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was single, I'm saying, and like, like a woman would hit on me, I'd be like, are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm gonna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying that you were always kind? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I say on the road now too. I get asked a lot. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just telling you, I'm out there. You're not out there. I am out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been asked out by a tic touch person too. Really? Uh huh. And? I was like, fucking idiot, you think I'm gonna go out with you? Barely string together a sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys will, first of all, the guy likes you, he's not weird about, like he wants you to know, cause he likes you. And then he'll also do whatever. So if you're like, you know, I'm gonna go do this thing in Amsterdam for six months, he'll be like, guess I'm fucking going too. Yeah, that's what guys do. This one drove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what people say to you who like you, like the friends who emotionally just want to protect you because they're kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when a woman likes a guy, she eats his balls from behind. She starts and then goes up the crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is, we were, but it was super, you know, like it was. On the level. Yea, because also what happened was she had a boyfriend, and so I was always respectful of that. Yea. And just go, I wasn't, you know, so the friend let me know that they broke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, you know, she's single right now and she's mentioned you. And I was like, what's up? Sue woo. I'm going to go over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget, I was like 25, I was pretty active, and I was giving her, I was drilling, I was, I mean I remember she was like, ah ah, like I was really happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, I, yeaah, I mean, I would, no, I was open to it, you know, I was single out here at that point three years, right, so you still feel kind of new. Yeah. Uhm, I had like a couple like hookups, a couple hookup hoes that I would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, tap on the shoulder every now and again. Uhm, but no, I thought I really, and I really liked her. Like, especially when I took her out, she was kind of a bitch. I was like, now I really like her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, once you're like a certain age, you know things you like, you know, so whenever you have somebody express those types of opinions, I think even in friendships, I'd rather hang out with somebody who says what they mean, knows what they like, like those kind of things, you're drawn to those personalities more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, we gotta go have dinner with Robert Downey, but then, I swear, I promise, we're gonna go do it, and you'll be like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so just, uh, quick recap though before we, uh, things that, all things Nikki Glaser. You up on, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shot an hour special, you're going to shoot the degenerates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice. Yeaah. Yeaah. That's great. Uhm, and then, uh, those dates will all be on NikkiGlazer.com Yeaah, yeaah. You gotta go see Nikki live. Yeaah, she's fantastic. Listen to the ex-show. Check out not just the hour special, also season 2 of The Degenerates we're about to shoot. That'll come out probably a few months later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you Jewish? Give me your gender fluid. Are you Jewish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need you, when you finish on my body, I need you to go grab a fucking towel from the bathroom and wipe it off me. So I don't fucking drip like a candle all over your bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I want. All I require is towel delivery service. That's all that it takes to have me come back over at a later time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's so rude. It is disgusting when somebody can just come on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they just walk away and go play Clash of Clans on their phone. No bitch, get me your fucking towel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? It's Charles from Match. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. I've been here, I don't know, since 7.30 doing some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little video that, uh, editing I should say. Editing some video that's gonna be going up on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, actually my new office, I really like it, not gonna lie, and it's got this really cool view. Where are we? No? There we go, eh? Ah, there we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, tonight I'm looking at Lily's and Union Square, oh, say around 8 o'clock, 8.15 and I'm gonna be in a fantastic mood then because I have so much to do. I'm looking at my to-do lists all around. I've like posted notes and everything else and I got my, my iced latte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, uh, shoot me a text and let me know if 8 o'clock works. I can do 8.30 but a little bit early it might be tough because I do have a lot to do. So uh, shoot me a call and did I say my name in the beginning? It's Charles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing it, uh, the beginning of it for me. Hope you enjoy the episode. Lots of love. I'll give you another update soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well thanks man. I mean it's so fun to be, I mean, still, like we talk about it all the time, our favorite thing is to hang out with comedians, you know? Yes. And uhm, I love...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, being kids and, uh, seeing, you know, when you're a kid, you get exposure as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seeing like a, one of the stand up shows, you know, like a live at the improv. Yeah, or a Rodney Danger film. Rodney Danger, yes. And, and like, uh, yeah, you're one of the pioneers of what's today, like such a huge art form. Stand up is so popular, but it's because of guys like you who like paved that way, man. Well, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man. But how does it, like, I mean, the whole idea of just, you know, emigrating and that is in and of itself is a thing, but how do you even entertain the idea of, like, were you a fan of stand-up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me stop you real quick, because we're so used to the infrastructure of the American comedy scene, meaning like there's, you know, there's clubs all over the country, and it's such a big thing now. Back then, when you're like, I was already a successful comedian, how often were you doing shows and where were you doing shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how long does it take between the first thought of I'm going to leave and actually, you know what I mean? When do you start going like I'm gonna get out of here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you go through that ship experience where you're like, Oh, people get rewarded for being talented. It plants a seed in your head. And then how long from then until you actually, do you escape by the way? No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what did your folk, cause they're, you know, older than you, what do they think of New York when you get there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, how do you feel about like the, you know, a big part of a lot of the democratic candidates, you know, platforms. Nervous. Socialists. Nervous. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I want to go back though to New York. You're making people laugh at the bar. How long does it take you to get back on stage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, so from there though, are you, are you even planning or thinking about Los Angeles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's really because you're at that point your lack of English, right? Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you? He's not laughing, neither am I. Well, we like geography. Do you know what country this is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, look, look, look. It's a car backing up into the garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be fucking amazing what you did. There's like a real entrepreneurial spirit to like what you did. Especially that, that figuring out like, I gotta go somewhere now. And targeting brains and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what is your advice for, because I love relationship stuff too, is it really to stay aware of the fact that you need to give and receive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who said that, you know, he goes normally, uh, up in Alaska, you know, I take people here and there. This guy hired me to drop him off in bear country during the most active bear hunting season. Like when bears are foraging for food, he goes, I thought guy was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, little funny in the head, and everybody in the theater was like, aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think though, cause I've always thought that before you even articulate it, that men have the need for admiration more than women have that, you know, not that it's non-existent the other way, but why do you feel like men need it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to be a mother to your husband. I never would have expected that such great insight into relationships and human behavior would come from Yakov Smirnoff. I'm serious man. It's like it's fascinating. It's really interesting, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fascinating stuff. Uhm, your whole story is amazing. I would love for you to come back and talk all about relationships. I'd be happy to. Uhm, so anybody, anything that you wanna tell people where they can see you or anything coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To light yourself on fire, light your brain on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I am going to set this record straight because I am tired of answering this damn question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I still have a boyfriend. Yes, I duet other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, my boyfriend knows and actually has seen the videos. He is fine with it because oh my god, he freaking trusts me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows the guys on the wedding are just friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or people that I admire, so I want to duet them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Relax, I am still very much happily taken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are engaged and trying to decide if we want to have a big wedding or just do a justice of the peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, freakin' relax, get off of my back. I am happily taken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's walking her sister. You had a whole day of fun with your mama and papa. And your grandpa and your grandma today. Yeaah. Treat them like a child. This is time. I would say that, uh. Your sister need to walk. She have long legs unlike your short legs. You don't need to walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And, uh, I'm not sure. I thought maybe he was lifting, like, your material directly. And that's why, because I'm like, he certainly is, um, huskier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exciting. Uhm, so I got to see so many mommies in Porkland and Meat Rattle. Yea, you did. And I have to thank everybody who came. It was bonkers. Yea. And the show is just, it's such a blessing in the skies that this is the show that The House at Fart


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to see all you guys was amazing and there were so many smelly beards and beanies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think smells worse on those guys, the beanies or the beard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I talk about how smelly your beard is. And the men's beards that I've smelled, it usually smells like weed. A lot of our audience's beards smell of weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, but the beanies are stinky. They smell just like head sweat. I like that. Cause I don't think men are washing their beanies as much as we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you ever look at your mattress, if you look at your mattress, like peel off your sheets, it's all body oils. It's like a weird, so gross organisms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are we, we have to ask Dr. Drew, like, did we all just leak fluids in the gate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Okay. I don't know. I've got a theory. I'm gonna ask Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I saw that, and then I also saw...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in meat rattle airport, I saw an adult man, like a 30 year old man getting on an airplane in full pajamas. And like, like the Christmas pajama, the red plaid checks, like a flannel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's unreal, I mean I think it's okay if you're a teenager, like you're hungover, maybe you're a 19 year old college kid, I get that, but like an adult male getting on a plane in pajamas? It's so ju- like the only person who should be wearing pajamas on a plane is an infant. What? Are you just type something and don't just say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You're an adult! You get on planes in full pajamas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, the designers like Gucci started making these designer house slippers with like fur, and then you saw people wearing those around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's, it's not smart cause you could step on needles, dog shit, you're out in the city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Annie, what the fuck? So you're saying you wear, like, jammie, like a proper Christmas jammie set. The button down and the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean if it's sweatpants, like okay, I wear sweats too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's, I understand you want to be comfy. I do it too. I wear, like, sweatpants and sweat outfits. But just to roll out of bed and wear your old timey jammies. And I mean, this guy was wearing like the old, not even like, oh, are those pajamas or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I even think flip-flops out in the street and in the airport is completely inappropriate. You should have your feet covered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's stuff you can step on, dickhead, if you live in a city. Don't, Nadav, don't give me that. Well, I'm Jewish, and we do Jewish things. I'm saying- What? I'm just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his Jew face. He gives me that Jew face. I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you go to Hawaii and you're in the island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, but you shouldn't have your feet out and exposed in public contain- like in the airplane. Cause what if you have a foot fungus or some kind of sore? It's not sanitary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I'll tell you what even grossed me out. A woman on the airplane took out her hairbrush and just started brushing her hair through and then all the hair follicles and her oils and everything are getting everybody. I mean that's disgusting, right? Am I out of line for thinking that that's disgusting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I'm over it. Uhm, I think there should be rules, they should make rules that you can't do these kind of things. Not that anybody listens. So we were driving yesterday, uh, Tom and I were driving around, I was driving the car, we picked up Skeetal, and uh, there was people walking their dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just mentioned to you, do you ever have the thought of like, I could just run over that dog and kill it right now? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what would happen, like I have these intrusive thoughts every now and then, and now I'm worried about you because you chimed back with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, this is not what I'm sharing with you is an actual conversation we had in the car, just a casual, I go, Oh my God, do you ever have that impulse to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I have actual ones like uhm, when I'm in line at Starbucks and everybody's real quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck your mother, you fucking cocksucker. What if I just screamed something, Hitler loves you, or something ridiculous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's also say whenever I'm in a subway, I always have a fantasy of either jumping down on the tracks and getting run over, or I wanna see somebody else get killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I wish somebody would jump on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that. I don't think, can I shoot, can I overpower that person? I think that's a man thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would prompt that? Like, I asked for no ice in this coke and she fucking put ice in it? You know. That's the level of disrespect we're talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what really bothers me? Is when you're sitting in the front, the front row and she's supposed to start taking orders with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckface! That's not how that goes. So by the time she gets to you, she's out of everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I did? I ignore people that are like, uhm, uhm, like, okay, so we were, we were, I was in first class, I was in first class, and there was, it was all full, my side, so I had to put my purse, which is not that big, on the other side, and these two fucking panic bunny cunts, they're sitting there, and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just took my bag down, I totally ignored them, you know, you just ignore, and everyone else was chiming in on the, the issue, the, the sassy gay guy next to me was like, don't worry about it sweetie, just put your bag up, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels good to me. Isn't it funny all these private battles that we have with strangers? You don't even, I have private battles with people all the time. Anyway, you know what I learned? I was sitting next to uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A pilot of, I won't name what company, what flight company, what's the word called? Airplane company? Airline? Airline, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I asked about it, do pilots fall asleep? And he said, well, that's why there's two of us. So when the guy falls asleep, you fucking punch him and you wake him up or whatever. No, you take, you, you switch off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what was the point of this? Oh, he told me, he goes, you know what though, once that door is closed to the airplane, you know how they tell you the takeoff time is 2.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that means you need to be on the plane by at least 2.20 because the door closes 10 minutes prior to takeoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why people miss their flights all the time. Too late, the doors shut. Once those doors are shut, the doors are shut. They do not reopen them. He goes, so you can be out of line, you can have somebody who's drunk, falling down, is an asshole. We can't do shit about it once the doors are closed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it makes me love you even more. Like now I'm for sure glad that you're the father. I've always been, but when you tell me stuff like that, it just re- it solidifies why I'm with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy shit like that? I just love it. It reminds me of my own family. Like, my Indian stepdad would do crazy shit like that. Yeaah. Yeaah. It's familiar. Feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I think you're channeling it into dance videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're channeling it into all kinds of creative projects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I had a lot of people ask me on my tour how much money was spent, and if you returned your gold necklace to make this, and I said no. We just keep spending and spending and spending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when my kids ask, why can't I go to college? I'll show them this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just share one moment from your, uh, blog? Yeah. That I thought was fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told me that these backup dancers, by the way this took you a long time to learn the moves, the choreography, you'd practice alone, you'd practice with the dancers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But talk about a talent and an ability in the muscle memory and I can't even imagine what kind of skill that takes. Well yea, it really is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know. Got it. It's this, this, this. What's this move called when you go like that? What is it called? You know what I'm talking about? It's a TikTok. You go, mm, you kick your foot. Yeah, yeah. What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am blown away at your level of dancing ability. I mean, I know you've had good moves since we started dating, you could dance, but, I mean, this is some other level shit, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's the best about this is that Bert's initial video had nothing to do with you, but you took it personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking of my, uh, best friend. We're going to Bauhaus again. Yeah, you are. On Sunday night. I'm so fucking excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna know why, and I'll tell you why, we have worked so hard for 17 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that one day I could fulfill my teenage fantasy of seeing my favorite teenage band, but as an adult, you know what I'm saying? Now I get that fucking bottle service, I get the best seats in the house because I've earned that shit, and that's the point of living, you know what I mean? Work for it, you got it. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Hey man, different strokes. Everyone's the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found the perfect smile. We have found, uh, uh, was it HD Vision? Glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like them so much, they're so stupid. I like fingerless gloves are the dumbest thing. They're hander pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well too because they, they moisture wick your palms. That's the whole point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for her birthday we got her some made for TV stuff, um, from the Target in Florida. And they had whole different lines of merch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was very calm, like, no you psycho. You know when people mimic the person? That's like real contempt. When you mimic somebody in the midst of a fight, that's psycho contempt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, where's my TikTok? Oh, we're gonna play that for Gabriel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. Right? Yea, definitely. My neck hurts so bad right now. For what? Cause I fucking, I fell out of a hallway like the life alert lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were out on a walk and there was a car in the hallway, a little toy car and a slid. And I had the slowest, most pathetic fall in the world. And will you bring up the Life Alert commercial? Yeah, it's not the shower one, it's at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love these commercials, they're so terrifying. Oh, my fucking brain stops working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you trying to explain this like- So that somebody can at least try-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep thinking about RPC's masturbation video. Oh, get off! I have that part in my head on a loop. Really? Get off!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't offend me, it's weird, like he, I feel like cause I've been, I've known him so long. Yeah. Like him ejaculating on a video, it doesn't even, it's like familiar, it's nice. By the way, that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think in RPC's case, I'm actually happy for him that he's ejaculating in a weird way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I feel relief even though it doesn't last long for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, you know every now and then, like I'm on the talk, you may see my curations in my Instagram stories, at TheCristinaP, I'm at the waterchampion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, there's a lot of stars on the platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just discovered this young gentleman. I don't know, it spoke to me. This is not good. It just spoke to me. Go ahead and play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a whole, a whole lane of horny TikTok where people are always like, ugh, I can suck dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's showing you that he's desired. That's what he's saying. He's got two girls that wanna husband him up and he's super sexual and he's here for it. And he shows you his tongue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It made me laugh so much. I just really enjoy him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think there is a moral obligation that tattoo artists have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what did he get paid? A hundred bucks to put the arp, the, what is that? Insane clown posse? Yea, the guy probably got paid well. How much to do this tattoo on somebody's face?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That level of dedication had to go through the solid black shading around his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, for those who are just listening, this is the Insane Clown Posse guy. He had a clown tattooed to his face, like he's got the clown makeup on his face. Tattooed black. Thick. So, he had to be juiced through the tops, the bars, the lip. I mean, I'm sure-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I say guys, on the gram, in my stories, every day I refresh the feed more or less, and I share, uh, my share, my belonging, my things with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jean, uh, Flappers! Every Thursday in the Yoohoo Room through this year, and then I'm done with that, so January I start touring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're so likable. I think that's what- I can be a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about regular life? I mean, yes, that is regular life, but like the day to day, are you a road rage person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just a little, just a little. Yeah. You don't like it when they're, it's so discourteous, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels illegal. I've seen people get knocked off their bikes. I wish I could see that. I don't know how they do that because I got hit by a car one time when I was on a 10 speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Do you, uh, Tom and I like to have, uh, violent thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so bizarre. Maybe that's their violent thought. Their, um, inappropriate, intrusive thing. What about in, um, lines? Or in meetings? Like, you know where everyone's like a business meeting, and you're not supposed to? I always think of like, I wanna scream right now, or I wanna say something really inappropriate, or shout, or stand on the desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your favorite thing to eat in the whole world? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The grilled cheese. I mean, definitely I could have bacon everyday. Pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll see. What was your last day job before you became a full time comic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's your fa- okay, every job that's just your job has a perk. What's the perk of LA Cellular?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like one of my last obscure jobs before I became a full-time comedian. I worked at American Bungalow, I worked at the Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a great gig, and I gave him a subscription to this, and he got four issues, and I mean, he wouldn't stop talking about how much he loved the magazine, remember? He's like, I'm so grateful to Christina. You really hooked me up with that bungalow magazine. There it is, I don't know if it's still, I guess it's still


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rude and mean. Let me tell ya, as a woman, someone that deflects creep- creeper attention all the time. That's the one thing, if I could tell women listening, because that's what we have, this thing of women should always be polite and nice and you should never be rude. Fuck all that. If you feel like you're being threatened, be rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because he doesn't respect your boundaries. No way. White guy? 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, look, when I go to the grocery store, sunglasses on, bro. I don't make eye contact. I mind my own fu- No, bro. No! That's- Remember that Silence of the Lambs movie? Remember Silence of the Lambs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come you're at every show? I see you at every show. But I bet you Bagels talks some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is so brilliant. We did South Africa with Ian Bad. And he would just make up stuff on the spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we would be in the van with this guy and his girlfriend and they were just canoodling all the time. I remember Ian would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fantastic. It really is such a lovely place. We did Durban, Johannesburg, uh, we didn't go to Cape Town. Which was crazy. Which is terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what really helps is that I'm married to a big dude that can choke you the fuck out. So I think that deflects a lot of stalker vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, yeah, cause you're friendly. Like you seem, I mean your on stage persona is like, you're the guy everyone wants to hang out with. Like I wanna hang out with you in your cute shirt and, you know, have a drink in Hawaii.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, you know, I wanna eat with you, of course. You'd be the person to eat with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, you are right about that recklessness, like you have to be, you have to disregard your personal safety almost to become a stand-up comedian because when I think of the, I was just on the road and I'm so blessed now that I could do nice venues and I stay in nice hotels and I fly first class, that's not the first, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does not. And I think back to all the crazy places I stayed at, the shows I would do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yea, I've had like beer bottles thrown at me, I've performed in biker bars where like a woman got punched out and bled everywhere and then I had to go up right after that. Like, just these horrible situations when you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to do a pizza parlor in the San Fernando Valley and you would think it was ambush comedy and you'd see families like cutting their pizza. Mom, what's this? And like kids yelling and crying. One of my favorite places to do stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So are you though, Gabe. You're so funny and you're so likeable. I just like- You know what I like about watching you? I just feel joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, that would be an interesting internet meme, is to take a snapshot of all the stuff you've watched on Netflix. Like what does your account look like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like a rapist, let's see. Comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Type in Vince. You put in Vince Champ and Cosby comes up. I know. Yeah, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's a different Vince. Don't put him up as a- Oh, that's Vince Morris, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do wish there were more inmates on TikTok cause that would be a great lane. If I could give them phones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. But not uncommon. I mean, I have a lot of Israeli friends that say similar things here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadev, will you Google Hungarian, drunk Hungarian guys pulling teeth out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely think it's our mutual love of weird shit like this. I kind of got that from the outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe a little math because look at the T. I may go math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if I say, if I may interject here, the big lesson learned from home here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really your first inclination. It's the logical first inclination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, shout out to Juno Wana Wana Wana. How do you say his name on Instagram? He makes so many lovely memes for the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he's been a long time fan of ours and a dedicated Instagrammer, so shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, cause he said the repetition, the nonsensical, like he's not quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've seen all these, some pictures that he posts with him and the girl, and the girl's always like, ugh. Like she's always like, annoyed and hassled, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's he so, so happy? He's gonna go out and get hammered and drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too intimate for public behavior. Frenching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's revise this. What if at the stall, you just take off your pants completely, but you leave your shoes on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a bit farther away. Okay, okay, I've got it. What if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what if every time, you know how much you love your Starbucks? What if every time you take your first sip of your Starbucks you have to scream like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he can't, he has to go into the Starbucks. Why do I have to go in? This is part of the, would you rather? I'm reworking it to be better. Okay, or, so you get your courier to go in, you have to scream, aaahhh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, or every time you have to take a dump, you have to get in the car and drive to Starbucks, ask for the code, and then wait for the two homeless guys in front of you to finish their baths before you can go in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do it right now. I'll do it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you have to take a shit, you have to drive down the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The amendment is, you must just dispose of your penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather take every one of your dumps to Starbucks? Not pee. I'll take pee off the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you have to bring it, you have to get the code, you have to get in and put it in. Or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wear a di- a diaper and you pee and poo in a diaper. But you can dispose of that poo poo wherever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're like, we're sitting doing the podcast, and then you basically go, I gotta take a shit. And then you just poo in the diaper, and then you sit in it, and it's all mush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And persistent, the plea, the plea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh, that's right. He was wearing just, he was Donald Ducking it, like he had his shirt on and then nothing else. Exactly. And he never addressed that with you? Did you guys ever address that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've seen it on Instagram, on the stories. It's good, it's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my favorite. I'm almost more shocked by the piss drinking than I am the masturbating on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was, that was this to me, I'm like. I just appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's awesome man. It's amazing that you're here. Thank you, thank you. And I'm honored to be here. I admire your work and so it's great to see what you guys accomplished and how comfortable it is to be here. Well thanks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and you had, even though you had shortages in Hungary and you didn't have anything close to our shortages. Really? Oh my goodness. You guys got worse than we did. We were dreaming to go to Hungary, you know. We were hungry to go to Hungary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I was a successful comedian there. I was 26 when I left. So I was doing comedy since I was like 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we had, when you become, when you want to be a professional comedian, you have to submit your material to Department of Joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's part of Minister of Culture, right, and they have Department of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get in big trouble if you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it was happening during my time, it was just you would get fired or get fired at. But uhm, they weren't killing people or putting them away during that time in the 60s and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's enough to, eventually I was doing okay, you know, and then I started working on cruise ships, I call it the love barge, but it was still, it was still a cruise ship, and that's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I was able to perform and that's where I got introduced to IDA even because we were not allowed to see or communicate or be with anybody from outside Soviet Union.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, foreigners who would come, they would make sure that the KGB was around them, so there was no contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way you control the socialist society is by cutting off the information from the outside, so religion is gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no contact with anybody outside and then TV just pumps the propaganda towards you. And in our case, you know, I tell a joke that we had two channels, channel one was propaganda, channel two there was a KGB officer telling you turn back to channel one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so that's, that was our reality and uh, we didn't know anything and here I get on a cruise ship and I was, first of all had my own room, I mean prior to that I lived in a communal apartment with nine families in one apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy, crazy, crazy. And so each family had a room in the apartment, so it could be like a library or a den or a bedroom or whatever, and so there was nine of them, nine families in one apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tell a joke, you know, when my parents wanted to be romantic and were living in the same room, they would send me to look out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, how can you tell? I said, because their son is looking at me. So that was our, that was the life that we lived. No phone, no car, uh, long lines for food. It was just normal Soviet, um, existence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, I'll tell you an interesting story that, that happened that triggered for me that thought. Uhm, I was working in a cruise ship and uhm, they offered me one gig for a week, just to test me. And I did a good job and they asked me to go again and I said well I've been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Touring, uhm, and I haven't seen my parents for about a year, so I'd like to bring them on the boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or if you can pay me, then I can buy a cabin for them as well. And they were just shocked that I even requested anything like that. And they just said, get the hell out of here. There's no way. Yeah. There's no way you ever. We have hundreds of people like you get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we kind of accepted that as normal Soviet life. And then two hours later, uhm, the knock on the door, a messenger comes in with two sets of tickets for my parents and for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I never heard of anything. My parents are like, we never heard of anything like that happening. What, what's going on? So, we get on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I asked the cruise director, I said, what happened? He said, well, the ship normally is leased to some other


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I guess when the captain found out that I'm not gonna be on the ship,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went back to the company and said, even if you need to give him my own cabin, I want him on the ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I, yes, and I swear to, I went, wait, I said to the cruise director, I said, wait, let me, let me get this, hold on, I don't, I never heard this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it sounds crazy. You grow up, you grow up with it. We never heard of it. My parents never heard of it. So that was the light bulb went, wow, we need to get out of here. And that's how it started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, there was a window that I, because I was in that environment that people were talking to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was previewed to some information that most people were not because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jimmy Carter was at that time, uh, was very much for human rights and, and he said, and the Russians were starving. So they, he said, you show some human rights and allow people out and we will give you some wheat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, but it was also another trick that the Soviet government did. They would say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a young person wants to leave, they have to take their parents with them. Because they didn't want to take care of the parents, right? But it was a trick because most older parents did not want to go. So most of the time the answer would be no, we're not going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, and my, my dad was into listening to Voice of America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, we didn't have, I remember making a bootleg copies of the Beatles because they were outlawed in the Soviet Union because they had long hair and that would not be, yeah, that music could not be tolerated. Just like the gays. Just like the gays. Radio free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we didn't have anything, so we, literally what the Soviet government wanted to do is to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you have no means. So most people watching this struggle go, I'm not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we were able to, my dad was an inventor and he was able to create something that really gave us an opportunity to get out. And, and so, uh, we had a little bit of money to survive this. Most people didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when we come to America and they exchange us, when we left, they exchange each person a hundred dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was mixed emotion. My dad was very excited. Mom was still scared. She didn't think I'll be able to. I didn't speak English, so I was the only person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, who could make a living and they, you know, I had to start from scratch. So there was a lot of fear from her. And it was obviously on all of us, we felt very excited on one hand, but also very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scared, you know, and uh, so at one point, mom was like saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what my purpose here is. There I knew my purpose. I could go to a store for milk, I can go to a store for bread, I stand in line, I get food for my family, and I feel productive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here you can walk into a supermarket and get everything you need in an hour for a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went, I got, uh, I saw an ad that, uh, was, uhm, advertising bartending school. And I remembered in the cruise ship,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought, ooh, that would be cool if I become a bartender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was just intuitively, I just came up with that. And, but I didn't speak English. So, but, and they needed $200 to go to that school, which was hard to get, but somehow we scraped it and fined it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to partening school for two weeks, got the degree of mixologist. And I had no idea what I was talking. I mean, I didn't speak. So I would bring a tape recorder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We met and we liked each other and so she lived in New York near United Nations and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would bring my tape recorder, my school was on 42nd street on 5th avenue, I would walk over, bring my tape recorder and then she would buy some, you know, drinks and we would mix them and drink them and so I was learning English and learning about American women at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh wow, that's a, that's an interesting topic. Uhm, I think American women are more, a lot more, they had a lot longer time for women's lives, so they are a lot more open in sexually and not the Russian women are a lot more conservative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and especially in those days, it was like, you mean, I, I do that with you? Wait, how's that work? You know, whatever. It was just all new to me. But this is way more fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I felt safe, uhm, in that way. And she was a great person to be with and she was taking me to different places. For her it was great to show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and for me, it's per- it was perfect for what I, what I needed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, for some reason, maybe, I don't know, I just actually was embraced because there was so much


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of that was like, you know, and here I show up and I'm kind of likeable funny guy and I tell jokes at the bar and then people tip me and I go, yeah, that was a good one, you know, so, you know, and, uh, that's, I never felt... How about now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still, it's still somehow I've been very blessed to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Share with Americans when I go to the Comedy Store or I do a show at my theater in Branson, I have an opportunity to share with Americans what socialism can be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and yes, it was an extreme form, but socialism is socialism. It just, it just doesn't work with capitalism. And that is an opportunity for me to just say, hey guys, let me draw you a picture of what it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nervous. Nervous. Nervous. Really? Yes. When I also, when I see polls and it says that 60% of millennials are in favor of socialism, it scares me because they're not realizing the cycle that happens. It just, it's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The private property and make it collective property. And then they can rule and then they become dictators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's the only, that's what breeds that. You know, do you guys know what Fidel Castro when he passed away? Great guy. Great guy. Great guy. Uhm, uh, do you know what his net worth was when he passed away? No. Nine hundred million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting, I learned that also not too long ago, if you Google this, uhm, that the political correctness originated 1917 by Vladimir Lenin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was the adherence to the Communist Party policies and ideology. And if you wear off, you go to labor camp, you go to prison, you disappear. And that's why Lenin is responsible


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For about 5 to 6 million people dead. Now, I grew up, he was our God. There was nothing. He never would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uhm, I did a show, I started working, uhm, I got hired at Grossinger Hotel in the Catskills as a bar boy for $1.20 an hour. And my job was to just carry buckets of ice and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was happy because here's why, because the bar was called Pink Elephant Lounge, big, big, big bar. And then next door is a theater, like 2000, it's something I grew up, you know, performing it. So I'm going, if I just survive here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can go in the break and watch comedians or singers. So it was like a school and I was like, yeah, I'm there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, and I was learning English at the same time and little by little got a promotion as a bartender. And that's where it was more one on one. I was able to talk to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember first joke that, uhm, that in, there was a, an exhibit of women underwear. And, uh, there, it was international exhibit. And, uh, uh, the, uh, American woman, uh, came and asked for seven pair of underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they said, why? And he said, well, because Saturday and Sunday my husband is home, so I don't need underwear. And next was a Russian woman and she asked for 12 pair of underwear. And they said, why? Well, January, February, March.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they did in the afternoon, uh, it was Simon Says, a game with the older folks who, you know, so there would be like a hundred people there playing Simon, Simon Said. And they said, you can go before that guy, you know, guy and he, he'll introduce you and you can tell jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, from Catskills were a manager there and he gave me a job as a short order cook, which made no sense to me. And I mean, what's a hamburger? What's a red? What's medium? I mean, I'm thinking, oh, it's mustard on the, on the medium rare and the rare is just ketchup, you know, so it's my mind. So, but I was, I had a job and then I get an offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this was something that neighbors in New York helped me, uhm, figure out how to make a resume. And they were asking me, what did you do? And I would say, you know, I was performing in a cruise ship, so they helped me come up with a resume. And they took the initiative and sent it out to different cruise ship companies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get a phone call from my mom in New York saying the Royal Caribbean wants you to come to get on the ship tonight. Tonight? Yea, tonight. And it was like a dream come true, I mean, because I associated


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my job was assistant of cruise director in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and entertaining, like do a show, a staff show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my job was to be in charge of people, uh, excursions. Excursions, which I didn't even know what that meant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or on the buses, or get on the bus to go to some activity. Exactly. So I have a hunch that there's still people in St. Thomas somewhere looking for that bus because I send them the wrong way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I lasted one week because they couldn't get rid of me before they brought me back to Miami. That's the only reason. So they, I got fired my first job, you know, my job to be fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like really scared now. So I go back to New York, get a job in, uh,


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[Assistant] Greetings Bell Company, which was some Russian, uhm, people were making at home, uhm, some ornaments for Christmas trees. And this American lady, uh, kind of organized all of this, so they were cheap labor and, and she was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, she hired me as a shipping manager.


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[Assistant] But then the season was over and she goes, I don't have really money to pay you, but maybe if you go to Los Angeles,


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[Assistant] I know somebody who knows somebody who, uhm, is friends with producer, executive producer of Threes company, which was at that time a huge show. Huge. So, so I, I go, yeah, yeah, I go. So I, I bought a ticket for 10 days and I had a plan. I'm going to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. And then I'll be back, you know, and I heard people making it overnight.


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[Assistant] And uhm, and the secretary gave me a spot, and I, I was so excited, I'm going, oh, he's gonna come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is like day four, I'm ahead of schedule, I'm good.


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[Assistant] You know, he's gonna come, he's gonna tell me that I have a part in the series and everything will be great. And he didn't make it. He, he left a message, can't make it. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send her secretary, Chrissie, I remember her name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, running after me, uh, to say that she liked me. And so Chrissy runs after me and she goes,


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[Assistant] Mitzi liked you, congratulations. And I go, uh, who is Mitzi? I had no idea. And she goes, she's the owner of the comedy store, goes to talk to her. So I go sit down and talk to her. And she said, stay in Los Angeles. There is always place for good and difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm going, I can't because my parents are in, you know, and I gotta go back and...


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[Assistant] And she goes, come back tomorrow and see a regular show. And then you tell me. So I come back next day and I sit in the back of the original room.


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[Assistant] And, and, uh, first person on stage, they introduced Robin Williams and second followed by Billy Crystal. And then after that, Pryor showed up and then Leatherman and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm sitting there, I'm saying, I am ahead of schedule. I am already here. I made it. I, it was just like one of those moments and I, and so then I said to Mitzi, you know, I don't, I don't have a job. I don't know how I'm going to live here. And she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and your parents are in LA, and they say, what does your dad do? I said, he was a building construction engineer. If I gave him a job as a carpenter, that would work for you, right? And I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so I moved my parents, my dad got a job as a carpenter, I was helping him for two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, building stuff, those booths, tables.


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[Assistant] And they didn't want her to walk in on them, so they would just take off these doorknobs and throw them away. Didn't even store them anywhere. Throw them away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my job was to go to the store, get new doorknobs, come back, put them on. It was a job security was there for me. Yeah. Cause they were not going to stop, you know. This is like a daily occurrence? Once, a couple of times a week. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Organically evolving. What did that feel like? Oh my goodness. It was like, again, my English was still pretty soft and it was 1981 and I was making a major motion picture and then I got that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you come here, you get the package. I did the movie with Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson and I'm like going, this is going to continue forever. This is, you know, and then I get the White House calling and I'm performing for the president and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, all of that was just like an American dream come true. I never expected anything like that, but I thought, well, I guess that's a normal thing then. And then the Soviet Union collapsed.


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[Assistant] Uh, I'm realizing there's, you know, Leatherman has a top ten list on the night of the collapse and I make number one in the list. Yakov Smirno will be out of work. What? Yeah. And I thought it was funny. I'm going up. I'm still funny. What's going to happen? Nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six months later, none of my contracts in Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe were renewed. None. And I couldn't find a spot, even clubs. People just kind of turned me off. And I realized later on what happened. I was meeting their need. I was like an aspirin from a headache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife and I and no income and we live in Pacific Palisades and we can't afford the mortgage. So I start looking for a place where people did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed.


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[Assistant] Don't tell. Yeah, no, no, I, so I've had this theater now, 2006 theater for 25 years.


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[Assistant] No, I know I rented one for a while because the money was short but then later I bought it and I was, I entertained over 4.5 million people since I got there.


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[Assistant] And is it putting on shows all the time? Yeah, well like, I'm going to Branson October 9th, well, start October 11th.


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[Assistant] And do like two months back to back, 58 shows. What? Yeah. 58 shows and they're already pre-sold and so I just walk out and it's like...


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[Assistant] It's my place, you know. And then how, but I mean like when you're not there, the theater. I, there's like Acrobats of China was there, there was like a Illusion show, so it, it's still working as a theater, but when I go back. But they still know Russians are bad, and then here's, here's this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, they embrace me more for, uhm, I think American success story more. Yeaah, that's a great, that's a great angle. Coming, coming from and, and saying what a country.


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[Assistant] The middle of the buckled belt, you know. Wow.


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[Assistant] Very similar to, I, I had to soften it a little bit.


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[Assistant] Hmm, okay. Can I have some smirnoff? You know, and I was like, little by little was like, okay, I think they're telling me something, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right. And, and then when Branson fell like about four and a half, five years ago, when I felt like, okay, I have learned a lot here. I was able to develop a lot of material, but my material shifted because after I went for a divorce, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really difficult because I, I remember having, you know, my kids with me for a first time and I was reading my daughter a book, um, a fairy tale and it ended, you know, and she was going to bed and I'm reading her bedtime story and it ended with,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I came up with a great answer. I said, go to sleep. But I couldn't sleep, right? I, I literally took this on as you noticed about me surviving and going, okay, where can we go? Let's go to Branson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This time I went in inside and realizing me, I'm going, I can't blame her for everything. Obviously, I didn't know something as well.


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[Assistant] So I went, I went back to college. I went to University of Pennsylvania. Got my master's degree in psychology.


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[Assistant] Then became professor at Missouri State University, teaching a course on happiness and laughter. Because I really- What? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I graduated with my doctorate degree from Pepperdine University. I love it. So, what? I love this. It's legit. I told you, I brought you some, some, so this is my dissertation. Get the heck out of here. 190 pages of, and it's all, it's a law of laughter. LOL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my, that was my, why does laughter, here's what sent me on this quest. Because in the beginning of the relationship, everybody's laughing.


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[Assistant] That's, and I start asking people in my theater, I said, would you go on a second date if you didn't have laughter on the first date? And nobody, I asked them to clap, nobody clapped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four and a half million people, I'm going, there's something there but laughter that we, uh, recognize that this might be the right person. It's not the only criteria, but it's a big one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And then, so what I start seeing, I'm going, so laughter is there in the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a sign, and then intimacy is next, and then you move in together, live, marry, whatever.


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[Assistant] And then when things don't go well, it's the reverse. It's like laughter goes first.


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[Assistant] So I needed to go to get master's degree and doctor degree to understand why does it happen to people


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[Assistant] And what attracts people and what repels people. And so I developed a lot of things during my studying. This is something I'll show you. I haven't shown it. I think Tom's fond of this. What's that? Is that a nut tugger? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two sides, two magnets, equal, you know, they're all the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so one says give and receive on one side, the other one says give and receive on the other side. So when they're opposite, when one person is giving, the other person is receiving their solid and then they reverse this process. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the honeymoon stage, and this process happens during the honeymoon stage. Right. All the hormones that are given to us, dopamine and oxytocin and serotonin, all of those make us give the right thing to the right person and then they receive it and they give back and it's wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it lasts about a year. That's what the science has now proven. So then they start giving, but they don't know what.


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[Assistant] And they, and this is why I said, they started repelling. They started repelling. So then people block themselves. They create their own lives and they create laughter with other people. And then they no longer repel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you understand this, and this is what helped me, and this is why I'm so happy in my marriage now, because, and she saw this and she fell in love with this concept, and it helped us to understand what to give or to receive, and then... Look at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awareness is great, so the formula that came out in this, um, dissertation was, uh, three elements that will ensure laughter continues, right? Number one, you have to be complementary opposite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so she wanted to take another course and they asked her to fill out this application and, and normally I'm there to help her, but I wasn't and she calls me and she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says gender, but it has six different things. Which one am I?


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[Assistant] And, and to her it was like, I was looking for something that says normal, but there is no such thing. So, so the complimentary is opposite number one. Number two, understanding the needs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the person. Now in the beginning we're giving this free introductory offer during the honeymoon stage. Right. And then we gotta pay full price. So conscious understanding of what is it that she is expecting? What is it that you're expecting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's totally different for her than for you. And I was researching all of this and I was like, wow, once people know it, they have a shock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that happens pretty much immediately. And you just need to sustain it, but it happens immediately. So those two first ones, complementary opposites and understanding the needs of the other person would solve 90% of the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choosing to become, yes, that person. That took me 20 years, literally, from when I got divorced to when I met her. 20 years. I was dating different people, I was going, there were not complementary opposites. I mean, I knew all of this already, but I couldn't find a person. Complementary opposites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like the, when you give, she receives. Oh, I got you. And when she gives, you receive. That's complementary opposites. That's complementary opposites. And what you give is what she needs or what you need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's the, and that's it, that's simple. I like it. But the commitment to that is not simple. To say, I'm taking full responsibility of doing this for the rest of my life.


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[Assistant] To recognize that, you know, you need to find something that you admire, whether he's a great dad, whether he's a great provider, whether he's


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[Assistant] I think it was building into our DNA in terms of, uhm, like we were


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[Assistant] Stronger species who was able to go and risk their lives to kill a bear or be eaten by a bear, whatever.


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[Assistant] And he wants to give me and the family something great. I'm gonna find some wonderful words.


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[Assistant] And actions. My son was visiting yesterday. Uhm, and he's 26 and...


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[Assistant] And my wife was so adorable. She, I gave her a nice birthday card, uh, you know, that I designed and a poem and stuff like that. And, and she was showing it off to him saying, look what your dad did. And it was just like, oh, this was like, oh, totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. And I would hold out for, I held out for 20 years. I was, you know, basically said no, no, until I felt that this woman and she fell in love when she saw this and she just went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is brilliance in here and that immediately gave me that sense of being admired and I was be able to share something that she found valuable. And it's like wow.


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[Assistant] They don't know what to do. That's why the suicide rate is so huge and all of those opioids and all of those things happening because men have not been given


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[Assistant] Attention for the last 50 years really. Women have been, and they succeeded tremendously.


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[Assistant] And so it's hard for a man to be that, to be admired for something when he's a child, overgrown child. Right. And so the, the wife feels like she is a mother to you. And that totally destroys his self esteem, everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what? It came from laughter. It's what we do, right? But when we're on stage, we're listening very, very carefully for that laughter. If it doesn't happen, we get off stage and we're thinking, you know what? I could have said this or I could have said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, mammogram or something, you check laughter and see, am I needing some attention to this? And if I do go back to the, those three things, sense of humor we have. So now what do I need to do? I need to become complimentary opposite and I need to know what her or his needs are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and I'll be there, uh, from October 11th to December 7th.


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[Assistant] And uh, yakov.com, y-a-k-o-v.com, and then on social media, you know, it's yakov underscore smirnov. And I, I feel silly promoting that because


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[Assistant] Hey everybody, McConaughey here coming at you in these rough and tumble times. A lot of unknown, a lot of limbo, quarantines, people out of jobs, and a lot of kids at home getting cabin fever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never really got to enjoy my childhood because we moved around a lot. And I think that's where the age play comes from. But to be honest, I'd probably still do it. This guy works construction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will make it seem more normal and maybe make people less judgemental.


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[Assistant] You never said any of that when you were on my show. You were much more like, hey, I don't need to be friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda good cop, bad cop, I think. Yeaah. Yeaah, but I'm not sure. Because I think, although Tom is gruff, I think, you know, I think I probably trust him a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's no bros beforehand. It's just like, it's, and don't say hoes in fact. You called me what? Here's your testicles. You can't say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I moved back. You did move back? Yeah, I moved back to Scotland like a year ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did you move back? I wanted to live back there for a while. I also wanted to be an American living abroad in the country that I'm originally from. That's interesting. I feel that it's not an area that's been covered enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that happens to me, and I also get a lot of, oh, you sound really American now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, but what does that even sound like anymore? I mean, what is this? It's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] American? Yea, but, you know, American's a lot of different accents. When I, when I was starting in late night, I used to get a lot of, uh, are Americans gonna accept someone with an accent? I'm like, the governor of California can't pronounce the name of the fucking state he's the governor of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not from anyone I would listen to. You've got to remember, most of the time I was doing that show, it was kind of, it was so early in social media that no one took it seriously. It was kind of like MySpace or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't recall it being much of an issue at the time. I just, I messed with my own head, but I didn't, no one was really having a go at me, because I had a very interesting set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something that will never ever happen in television again because CBS had were so keen


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, to hire Dave and book Dave after, during the late night wars when Johnny retired. That they gave him


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[Assistant] The two hours of real estate and television between 11.30 and 1.30.


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[Assistant] He ha- he owned that time period as long as he was on the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't, you know, just like say, you can put on what you, he owned the time period. Whoever was in that time period, that was David Letterman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, as it turned out, I think it was probably good, but it was not, it was not a natural coupling, me and CBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we, we used to go on vacation a couple of times a year. What? Sailing. Nooooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spoke to Dave about six times, and I think four of them you can see on YouTube. No, Dave was in the East Coast, I was in the West Coast, and also he was doing his own show, so he didn't really pay much attention. What I will say is 100% true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I had to ask him for help, which wasn't often, but if ever I was like, I need the network to go off my back on this or something, he always showed up 100% right away. And he was very, very cool. So he didn't disappoint in that regard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember there was something, like if I wanted a guest, he would say, uh, he would have someone from his office make a call or something like that. But I think most of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was during a negotiation once, Rob Burnett, you know Rob Burnett? Rob Burnett ran World Wide Pants when Dave was on the air. Rob, Rob's a cool guy. So Rob, uh, called me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During negotiations, I was being an asshole during the negotiations. I was like five years in and I was thinking about it. And he said, what do you, what do you want Craig? And I said, I want money. That's what the fuck I want Rob, I want money. And he went, okay. And he sent me a shoe box with a couple of grand in it with used dollar bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. That's cool. And I took it. And that's all I got. Two grams. I was going to say. That's great man. But he was, they were, they were cool. World Weigh Pants were a cool company. CBS, eh. They don't really have a personality. They're too big. It's like working for Germany or something. I work for Germany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I'm kind of liking it. You are? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wanted to go, it was her idea. I don't know if you, I don't know how long you guys have been married, but, like, if my wife has an idea, Tom, we're pretty much gonna be doing that. That's kind of true, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets excited and we do it. Right. And I think it's that's part of a mutual respect and understanding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a system of, do you, I was just, I was talking to my wife about this the other day. I have a system of understanding her body language and I know shit's about to go off. Oh yeaah. And it's based on, my system is based on humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are not gonna live in Los Angeles much longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it work the other way though? Do you ever, like, walk home and you come in and you open the door and you think, ooh, it's sexy time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very specific thing. I feel like in a previous life you must have been a king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you were first attracted to Tommy, like his regal presence, like his awesome masculinity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was, yeaah. Then the last time I saw you, when I saw you last I was doing that little radio show in my shed. Yes. And I went a little crazy. Yeaah. During that time period. You did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wasn't leaving the house because the radio show was two hours a day at the shed at the bottom of my driveway and I would just like shuffle down my sweatpants in garbage and then do a show and then go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I think actually I probably, if Ellie said he had heard about it, I would have probably got taxed for it or something. Right, right, right. But, I, yea, Sirius gave me a radio show to do and they would have let me keep doing it. I just couldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 57 years old. I've been doing this for a long time. I am sick of hearing me fucking talk. Really? Yeah, and when I, when I go to Scotland,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Days go by, I don't say shit. Like, days. I'll be out there, like, walking around, there's cows and stuff, and I'll be like, looking at them, they look at me. We just move on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in a city during the week and then I go to a little country place. Oh, do you live in life too? Yes, I do. Yes, I live my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's one thing I want to tell you. I'm on the road constantly. I mean, I saw it. It was a stupid, ridiculous, vulgar piece of wealth. But, I will say this. If you write your wife's name in gold letters on the side of a G4,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, uh, I, for about two years. But you used it a lot? I used it when I was touring. Yea. The reason why I had it is because, this was my reasoning, it's no good reasoning at all, but I was working in late night, I was doing gigs at the weekend and stuff like that, so I would shoot the show and then get in the plane and then go do the gig and then come back. That's a lot. Yea, you can't play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What really happened in all honesty is that one morning after I could, I didn't buy the plane until very late on in the late night and then I still had it afterwards and I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well then that's good. Good. Now do you wear gold chains? Sometimes. Do you rap at any point? No. Cause, I don't know, the rapping king, I'm just a spitball. Yeah, it's a good idea, it's a new idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause when you don't have an act, you know. But here's the thing though, I'm done. What? You're done? Mmm, I'm not gonna do it anymore. Really? Yep. That's it. After this? This one's... This is it. That's it, I'm gonna write another one. And you, did you know that as you were doing it? Yeah, I think so. Ah, enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think that's it. I think I said everything I had to say and, and then I thought, do I really want to be a 57 year old man commenting on the lives of people 25 years younger than me? Cause that's where you end up. And I think, no, I don't want to be that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when I started doing, doing stand-up, I was like, it was the time of punk rock really, or just after punk rock, and I was very angry type of style in a very kind of aggressive and booze-ridden environment. And, you know, and I had a very angry sort of persona to run around and be very physical and stuff. And I think if you do that in your 50s,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote a movie called Saving Grace. And the movie did really well. It won a Sundance and all that, just like right about 1999, 2000. And he saw it. And he had an idea for a movie and he wanted me to write the screenplay for it. So I went on tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the Rolling Stones for a little bit. Come on! Bridges to Babylon tour, yeaah. And? And when, when Mick had time he would sit and give me notes on the script and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About a couple of months. Okay. I mean, it's quite an experience, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can do his voice in ways, only when he's sitting down now. And he always likes to tell people where to sit, like, you know what, Christine, you should probably sit there. Really? And Tom sitting there would be better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Keith Richards is a very impressive dude though. You see, Keith Richards obviously was around. I didn't interact with him much, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very much his band. Everybody kind of is in awe of Keith Richards because Keith Richards, it would be in that band if they were playing in a pub in South London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I had dental surgery about two years ago, and it was a very intense, inflamed, abscess thing, very, very painful. And they gave me some of that new heroin that they gave me. The oxy. It was a Percocet it was called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heron isn't as good as Paracaset. Really? No, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no! Listen, if I was going to get off the wagon and start doing drugs and alcohol again, I don't think I'd be drawn into alcohol much, cause that, that makes you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you used to have a thing called chasing the dragon. I don't like the idea of needles, so you know chasing the dragon, right? You set fire to it underneath the, uh, silver paper and inhale the smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, boxers. You know, really good boxers. Exactly. If you know when to quit, you can have a good life afterwards. If you don't know when to quit, you're gonna get hurt and start talking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I mean, I appreciate the idea of that and I thank you for it, but I don't think that's true, right? I don't need it. I used to need it. I used to really need it. I mean, all the things you described, it did that for me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made my family money and it gave me money to put my kids in decent schools and have a nice place to live and I'm playing and stuff and it did stuff for me but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna, I don't, to be honest, I don't wanna take advantage of it, if you know what I mean. Really? I'm done. You're done. Uhm, and, you know, look, smash cut to 80 months later, it's my new special, guys! I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I think there's other things to do. Also, I've, you know, like I said, I'm 57 years old. The only non-negotiable commodity is time. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best scenarios, mine is running out. You know, so, you gotta do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm passionate about a lot. I'm passionate, actually, about, you know, the idea of stand up as an art form. I just don't think I would want to make any more of it. You know, but, but when I see it done well, I'll still love it and still appreciate it. Uhm, I just don't think it's, I think it's somebody else's turn. I got you. I got you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I just got, I got a little RV-6. You can look that up. It's a very different airplane. And I share it with two other guys who are much better pilots than me. Wow, you fly that? Yeah, that's a sweet ride, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do ask about it when you're doing forms and life insurance, which is usually a clue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not allowed to fly it when I'm, like I'm doing a game show for ABC next week, I'm not allowed to fly it when I'm doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's in the insurance, yeaah. It's usually boilerplate. Look in any contract you've got. I'm sure in Netflix. Yeaah, same thing. No motorcycles. Motorcycles, yeaah. I had a bad accident on a motorcycle. You did? Yeaah. Can you see that lump there? Yeaah. That's my collarbone. I busted my collarbone. Fuck! And three ribs. Damn. Long time ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was directing a movie at the time and I was in the movie and I was trying out the motorcycle as a prop in the movie. I tried it out at lunchtime on a day we were shooting and I had the accident and I busted my collarbone in three revs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, and also I'm sober at this point, and I can't take any painkillers, cause, years later I took the Percocet, but that was really unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like, I couldn't, so I took, uh, Advil. Advil. And I kept going with the movie. And I have to say that movie is shit. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it, I don't know if it's completely shit, but it's a lot worse than it would have been had I not had an accident. Agony shooting that movie all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I, I, really I don't know because I did it and it didn't work. Uh, cause I, I wrote this movie and I'm in the movie. What's the movie? The movie's called I'll Be There. Okay. And it's, and I'm in it, I wrote it, I directed it, and I, I don't like it. Really? So, I think I'm, the movie I'm in that I'm directing next year, I won't be in it. You won't be in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't even be in a kind of background. Oh, is that him? No, none of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when I was doing it, look, to be honest, I think, I think I needed the experience of having a failure. Uh huh. And I hadn't failed in movies until that point. You know, I had made movies which,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made a couple of movies which had done very well. You know, I did a movie for Warner Brothers called The Big T's and it wasn't a financial success, but it's a good movie. And then Saving Grace, the movie I did after, it was a, you know, it was an indie hit and it was like I was hot potatoes for 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I thought, well, I can direct and star and be in the movie and all that. And I learned that I wasn't as hot potatoes as I thought I was. And it was a humiliating experience, but I needed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I needed the experience to grow up a little. You did? I did, yeaah. I was an asshole. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, you try not to be, but I think, I think I was an, I don't think I was an asshole to other people, but I think I was an asshole in the, uh, in the idea of, of having an inflated opinion of myself. You know, and not taking counsel in a way that I maybe should have. I mean, because there was enough people who said to me, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Director star of that, you know? Right. Pick one. I got it all. And I was like, nah, I got it. I'm a genius. And I'm not. Uh, which is good and bad news. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was shaking her head at your junk scratching. I gotta be honest with you, Christine, I'm very comfortable with him scratching his junk. It's not a problem. I've been around men. I'm from Scotland. Scratching your junk in Scotland is a form of greeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, stand-up is great for that because that's why I think I'm glad I'm not coming up now. But kids who are like in their early twenties who are becoming stand-ups now, their failures are very visible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they're on YouTube, they're documented, they're on Instagram, they're mistakes, like what happened to Kevin Hart with the Oscars thing, that Kevin made some stupid jokes, 10 years ago, stupid, unkind things that you shouldn't have said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's kind of an, uh, that's another reason why I think it's quite nice not to be both in late night and in stand up. It seems like it's a very hostile environment, uh, right now. I don't know if that's good. If that might be good, I just don't know how to operate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe my writing partner, I write with this guy who was, I don't know if you've met Joe, he was the front end of the Panamime horse when I was doing Late Night. And he's a great guy, you did meet Joe, he was the producer of the old radio show. And he's my writing partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were sitting down to write the show, which is like September of 2018, August of 2018, we said, let's write an hour and a half that has no politics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to see if we could do it, just as a stylistic choice to see what would happen. And we did it. But by the very nature of that, it became a very anecdotal, intimate, uh, storytelling type thing, because we mined my life for a story. And then used those stories to form the stand-up show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, because that was a very intimate form of stand-up, I didn't want to cut it down into an hour. It was an hour and a half, two hours some night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't want to cut it down to an hour to fit the Netflix model or the Amazon model or whoever the hell you were doing it for this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I thought, well let's try and create the intimacy that the audience gets when they're in the theatre through a different method on TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did a kind of rock documentary thing where we shot the pieces of stand up and it is chronological in the sense of it runs from the beginning of act to the end of the act over the six episodes but it's in different towns and it's in different things that happen in between and trying out a joke that works and then doesn't work and all that kind of stuff and it moves along like that. And it follows it along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, and it's, and it's in the kind of like a rock documentary, because I had watched, uh, the documentaries about journey and about, um,