[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Uh, right after road rules, there was one swimming in my yard, like swimming hardcore hard, putting on the hard moves. And I was like, I don't know, dude, like I'm not into players, you know, like he was totally a player. Yeah. But I was like, yeah, I'm in D dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a- is that a porno? I heard that's a porno thing to be stuck in an elevator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to die. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't think I'd really do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I too felt horny, but I didn't bang my boyfriend at the time, cause we were on the outs. But I, I too felt an urge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I didn't cry. What's there to cry about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's that? Is that my DR guy? I told you I did it, Bang, because my boyfriend at the time and I, we were on the house. And we weren't actually having intercourse that much, I think at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you fuck? Did you find- Did you pick up chicks in bars? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're cute. You are such a handsome 20-some. Man, I snapped you up just in time. You're the one. You were really adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I kind of, you were very confident for your age and also like, but still like a puppy. You know, like still clumsy and kind of dopey, but, but very mature. It was very endearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I'm Sandy Brown. He was so funny last week on the show. God damn it. And my face hurt. No, you were like, you were very mature, but then still young, so you had that youthful...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we talking second wife? Eh, it's normal. This is part of life. Babe. This is part of life. Okay, who's your, let's talk about it. Cause last time we discussed this, I thought you'd go with the Dalmatian wife. The yoga instructor. Well, who are you gonna, who's the second wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like think about putting your grown man skills on like an 18 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wouldn't need therapy. Yeah. Cause like, when you think about it, there's a reason you stay age appropriate. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If someone relies on you financially, a child, a parent, or even a business partner, life insurance gives you peace of mind that they have a financial cushion if something happens to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius is your one stop shop to find the insurance you need at the right price. Click the link in the description or head to policygenius.com slash mom to get started. In minutes you can compare personalized quotes from top companies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To find your lowest price. You could save 50% or more on life insurance by comparing quotes with policy genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The licensed agents at Policy Genius are on hand through the entire process to help you understand your options and make decisions with confidence. The Policy Genius team works for you, not the insurance companies. Head to policygenius.com slash mom to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And really, what could be more American and in line with Christian values than drinking and fucking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I really love the artwork on this last album. It's a very strong message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me tell you, if it's a song I think it is, I've been singing it on TikTok relentlessly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's relentless on the TikTok. You've really dialed into America right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what OJ does. Notice that? Like remember last week we were watching his Twitter's with tweets with Danny Brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does the same thing. He's like, haha, I'm just going golfing today. You're like, why are you laughing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, Tom and I are starting to look like Trisha and Garth, aren't we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he seems cool as shit, like I don't agree with everything Kid Rock thinks or says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I can't, and I was like, this song's so funny and ridiculous, like, what is this? And I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm here with the artist. Like, it's blowing my fucking mind right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can pull down the mask to take a sip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And COVID understands when there's like a plastic barrier between you and someone. COVID knows to stop. It doesn't go over the plastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate those things. I mean why would you want to exercise and get drunk at the same time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a real problem, always out. I take the baby monitor with me to the bar, I can still keep an eye on the kids. Yea, of course you can see it. They start crying, I can drive home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, so we all have, uh, so your celebrity best friend is Brad Pitt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We want to decide who we want as a celebrity best friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a good point. Cause the green is like you're a little anti-social. That tells me a lot, right? Like you're not a conformist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I decided I know who my celebrity best friend will be because it's so hard for me to choose. I don't want to hang out with the Kardashians. I don't think I'd have much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In common, like, it's kinda, it's kinda rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, are you ready? Yeah. So, I don't know if you've seen Russian Doll. Season 2 is impeccable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Natasha Leon, I'd like to invite you to be my best friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why I really like her? Season 2, she fucking learned, just spoiler alert, I know I'm supposed to say this before. I ain't ever watched it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I just love her whole story. Anyway, she's also recovering, uh, she's got some problems in her past. Yeah, that one, that picture right there with the guardian. I like that. That's when she was on drogas. She's not on the drugs anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like trouble, and see she's got, she's troubled like me, she's got a little stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. But here's the thing, because you have to be able to relate. Like I'm not going to relate to a bitch that's like, oh, I'm all normal. I had a normal upbringing. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so what do you like about BP? The pit stain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I mean we had the OG strand, that was hard, and then the second time-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we got tired. I remember just getting real tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're done. Can you imagine when a real crazy pandemic ha- like a flesh eating thing? What the fuck would really happen? I mean, we handle this like dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we went to Bauhaus together at the Wiltern. He was one of my guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's here. We got, we took a lot of Angelenos came here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when Carson Daly first came out on MTV, remember? And at the time there was like, personalities. The VJs on MTV were like, you know, Pauly Shore in the 80s. Downtown Julie Brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, and then Car- and then it was like, Carson Daly. Mwaaah. Everybody was like, who's this fucking wooden guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he did that TRL, Total Request Live. Oh, that's right. And it was like the top 40, like what the teeny boppers are fucking to. But you know what's really funny is that his gig was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wish I could be, you know, host something on YouTube. Which guy was that? He was, uhm, the hot guy from New York cast. The, like, the first real world cast. He aged really well, I want to say. Oh, I remember that. Yea, he was very handsome. He's the model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey look, they're all models. The John and Eric are models as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see how hot the bro is. Oh yeaah. He looks like his bro. Looks like his twin. Yeaah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So it's all, it's Deirdex Channel. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was good catfish. I think catfish was awesome. I think, oh yeaah that was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Wait, that doesn't- no, is that Canadian? Much music you're thinking of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would even say that shit back in the day, like, well, we need like a white girl. You're white. And I, yeah, I tried out, didn't make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can talk some shit though, I'm surprised. I don't know whether White Bitch got it, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. I don't like the good color. Like, ugh. You're not, you're not going to cuddle a stranger that breaks into your house wearing a furry outfit. You're not gonna. That was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll sing to it all. I'll sing to it all. Yo, you like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's rad though, it is a good night. Guys, it's hard to shock these days. And she did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you look up at T's Toes, Zolo, and get some context? I'm pretty sure it's a rapper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, nails around your face is not a smart decision. You could poke your eyes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vibe I found where people have pet leeches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they, but it didn't really work. They didn't cure anything, they just bled you. I want you to know that I didn't like that video. And anyway, she's got a friend and the two of them will like show you how they feed their leeches and stuff, it's pretty cool. That's a New York subway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but don't you hate, I kinda hate the Boiling Crab for their presentation. Like, here's a bag of, like, barf and we're gonna throw it on newspaper. I'm not a dog. Why can't you put this shit on plates, dude? He's eating out of just a garbage bag like the dog. Disgusting. Gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let it finish. I don't even, I don't know, cause it seems like LA and New York is sim- similar in that the police don't do much these days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey. He's writing battery acid on his thing. Can I tell you something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, I was drinking stray water. We talked about this somewhere my mom's at that I'll just drink any water that's left out. That is horrific what happened to this guy. Yeah. I'm going to stop doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So rad. What is that, a cheetah? Is that what that is? That's a leopard. A leopard? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking into it. Can we get a leopard? Just to have it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the backyard. They would not kill Bitsy for sure. But here's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Tommy, just hear me out. You know what I mean? Like it's just a security. Like at night we could just let the leopard patrol the backyard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's a really cool guy, he's a gentleman wearing just some cool gold shades and then he just licked his lips over and over and over, you know, he's down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, I'm ready. Or it could be at his job because he looks like he's in a corporatey and like a lit environment. Yeah. This doesn't look like his house, you know what I mean? So, I don't know, he could be waiting to get off work and then that was his thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch that one right here, or maybe here, maybe here, maybe, maybe you should subscribe. That way every time a new video gets posted, you'll be notified. Stay in the no jeans. Subscribe now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sotva mattress company. I love Sotva. I sleep on a solar every night. I love it because the bed vibrates, it goes up, it goes down, it lights up so that you can get up and go take a piss in the middle of the night without falling over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really the greatest mattress company we've ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've ever worked with and I've ever slept on. I also have the luxury firm, which is their flagship model in king size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the lumen leaf, uhm, all, all fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva has a deal. You go to satva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Satva purchase. Again, satva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next purchase. That's how much we love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, how much I believe them. And people ask me all the time, do you really sleep on a Saatva mattress? Yes, we do. And even in our guests, when you come to our house, you will sleep on a Saatva mattress. So trot out Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit for $200 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least. So I wanted to bring some issue to your attention at our home. As you know, we've been building a fence for the last 15 years since we've moved to Texas. It never quite seems to end. And we have a porta potty in front of our house so that the workers can piss and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's called the honey, the honey bucket. So the honey bucket, I pull up next to the honey bucket. That's where I park my car. I'm just listening to a podcast kind of just, you know, before I go inside, dropping the kids off at school, whatever. And I see a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just come down our driveway, go inside the honey bucket, and he's taking a shit apparently. And I'm like, oh, the workers are here? No. No workers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, but he, he looks like a worker, not our worker. So maybe he's working on a house somewhere else and he's decided that our honey bucket is the honey bucket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause, but here's the deal, man, is that on my walks in California when we were there, I would often use other people's porta potties as well, cause they would be in front of their house during construction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like a mom that has to pee and I would, there's nowhere to pee where I was walking. I can't believe I'm learning shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a porta-potty a communal toilet? By definition, it's not plumbing, it's not in your house, it is not, it is on private property. However, the intended use is for anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's in kind of a grey, a grey-brown zone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go, go piss on their property.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm not using the honey bucket. Like, I'm not out there, and I feel bad for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel bad for any man that is working outside. It's hot. Maybe he has to take his morning shit. He hasn't done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might be honored. You're right. The gentleman was like, I find you so attractive. I saw you drop off your kids at carpool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the way your sweatpants are just clean to your, your tush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I'm gonna start putting tissue boxes in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that, that clip, actually I found that and I was like, that's so funny because you, you guys always talk about that. He must have been talking about you in this interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, hey, we heard you're friends with Tom Sakura, is that true?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of Gene, did I share this with you guys? I don't think I did. That when we were in California doing a comedy show, um, Gene Simmons came into the green room and I got to talk to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So kind, and he and I, you know, talked about how kind. I won't tell you what we talked about. Okay. It's my conversation. Oh, sure. Yeah. Which I thought was really, was really sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what a badass. Yeah. And there's Nick. There's Nick, yeah. Handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think when Gene introduced me to Nick, he was like, he's Polly and Bi. So I'm thinking, I was like, really? Are you really Polly and Bi, Nick? He's like, no, it's a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me give you some butt plugs. Phoenix, Arizona, September 24th and 25th. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We pay hundreds of dollars per year to protect our homes, our cars, and even our phones. But too many of us aren't taking steps to protect our family's finances. Mortgage payments, private student loans, and other types of debt don't just disappear if something happens to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A life insurance policy can provide your loved ones with a financial cushion they can use to cover those costs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it can provide you with peace of mind that even in a worst case scenario, they'll be protected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policygenius is an insurance marketplace that makes it easy to compare quotes from top companies like AIG,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Options start at just $17 per month for $500,000 of coverage. Just click the link in the description or head to policygenius.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The licensed agents at Policy Genius work for you, not the insurance companies. They're on hand through the entire process to help you understand your options so you can make decisions with confidence. Head to policygenius.com slash mom to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did you sit with an eye shot of each other, like, or did you kind of like hide from each other and you both, you knew you were masturbating or was it open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a coping mechanism for sure. You know what I'm just thinking is how girls are just the opposite. So I went to an all girls Catholic school and we did not even admit to each other that anybody was masturbating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. No, it was like no denial, denial. However, when we all got sexually active,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were whores, like by, you know, like Olivia would come to school and be like, dude, I blew my boyfriend this weekend. And we're like, yeah, bitch. Before it was cool to be a whore. Now it's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we shared with each other, but masturbation is still very taboo with girls. How funny. I don't know, maybe this generation is way different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have a good point, Sam, cause when I met Tommy, he had a mattress on the floor. He didn't even have soap in his shower. He just washed his whole body with shampoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I liked you for you. That's the thing, is I could see past all those red flags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so not good and like, I'm just now realizing at 46 years old how mentally ill I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of my, uhm, detachment from, like, my struggle to feel emotion and to stay in there and not turn it into a joke or turn it into something, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of weird. I imagine other normal, like non-comedians probably have an easier time of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh sorry, I just also thought that Camille stayed with Bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even think about that bit. He probably was like threatening her and stuff, yea. He probably wasn't a nice guy at home, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he's a, I mean yea, you, you compartmentalize, you think what you're doing is okay obviously, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can they go after Daniel Taj for inappropriate humor? That's his whole brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, we took her on your birthday to a Michelin star. Yes. Multi-course extravaganza. Crazy. And hated it. Do you have friends? Hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. It can be tough to train your brain to stay in problem solving mode when faced with a challenge in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I've been in therapy for about a decade and it is the greatest thing I, the gift that I've given myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has completely changed my life for the better. I do make better decisions and I'm much happier for it. So if you're thinking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of giving therapy a try, BetterHelp is a great option. It's convenient, accessible, affordable, and entirely online. Get matched with a therapist after filling out a brief survey and switch therapists anytime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash moms house today to get 10% off your first month. That's B E T T E R H E L P dot com slash moms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that interesting that people compensate in other areas of their life? Like, he knows he's a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like wearing the Hello Friend sweater. Like his whole, I'm gonna give you guys 70 grand, whatever. That's his Hello Friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fucked her three times when she was unconscious, unedible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I accidentally took too much of the liquid kind. I had like rolling panic attacks all night. Tom had to talk me down and like, I'm like, I don't like it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does it feel like to have a pint glass shattered on your head? That fucking head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, can I tell you something? I had that dumb thought when you first said it. You were like, a pint glass hit my head and I go, oh, but he's got that nice hair. I bet you a cushion, the blow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much have you wanted to rip down all those stupid cookies and bars? Like I've had, I've fought the impulse so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they should, in all fairness, build more bathrooms than Starbucks. There's always, always one stall, and then they serve people cups of bowel torture. It's essentially like, you're gonna shit when you come here, but then they only give you one stall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, well usually that's the handle jiggle, right? Cause I do it just to let that fucker know, like, hey dude, I'm here for you, I'm waiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now I will tell you, I've been both a barista at Starbucks and I worked at Bookstar in Woodland Hills and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fu- I had to clean the toilets at both jobs. Oh my god. Eventually you get on rotation where like, you have to do it once every month or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By far the bookstore had the nastiest toilet. I don't know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause the Starbucks one was horrendous, always. There was always shit splatter everywhere. But the bookstore one, people just pull out the sea cover, throw it down, shit everywhere, piss everywhere, you're right. It's the leisureliness of the books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Annie, Annie, do you like a finger in your butt? Nah man. See?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I've been drinking tequila. He got me into Añejo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that, but wine, I'm such a mom. Wine is good. Like white wine, I'm so cliche. L-O-L-O-M-G you guys. It's wine time! Mom juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's mellow. It's just like, relax. It's not, yea, aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Dude, I knew a girl in high school that got into like Harvard out of high school, cause she was a straight A student, total nerd, Christian fucking, you know, and what happens first semester at Harvard, party too hard, freak the fuck out and dropped out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, dude, what are you doing? If they just let her off the leash a little bit in high school, maybe she could've-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And vomit in high school. So then by the time you're in college, you're like, oh, I know how to drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what could they, I guess they could pump your stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that Carmella wanted to take away the credit card, but then how's she gonna put gas in her own car and drive herself around, and you know, it's always the thing. I'm gonna take away TV, but then that just punishes the parent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want the kid to be able to watch cartoons and piss off for a little while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we've had so many incarnations of our podcasting studio that the chair is of utmost importance because you're sitting here for hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your sexual inclinations and desires aren't politically correct, right? Last I checked, like, are you inclusive in all your sexual fantasies, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be curious to see what the actual breakdown is of like who, the big beautiful women and the, you know what I mean? Like who, how much, who's at the top? It's gotta be like the youngies, right? Like 18 or the underaged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ones that are pretending to be like 16, right? Like that would probably be the top one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, most popular porn categories, United States. Yeah, this is what I'm trying to articulate, but not really doing very well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's just like, I prefer this. You're lentil-phobic. Or whatever the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 67% of American visitors were male, although the share of female users slowly increased this year. That's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder, I wonder, I'm so curious about that hentai shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what trips me out about ju-dork titties is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, it's just declined everywhere. Everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even Florida. Well, not Orlando. I feel like Orlando stayed the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's no longer there, but it was in the Newport, Kentucky one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was literally, yeah, there was a park that they used to do heroin in, like right by the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man is persistent. But that's how you become an influencer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is the weirdness of my brain, is that every now and then, I'll know some shit, Chad doesn't know or no one-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, these guys generally don't know how to operate technology or like, like it's, I mean, yeah, I don't know how they even do what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even TikTok. I mean, Tommy, weren't you just telling me yesterday, you're like this 18 year old girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. But you can't pick like what pops you. But thank god podcasting translates to a great standup audience, because they're the greatest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will. I'm in Judork Titties next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one of the most recent times that it happened. I had just done a workout and I was delirious because I don't work out a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go up to my, I go up to what I thought was my door, but it was one door over, so I, and I'm just like tunnel vision into the lock. So I put the key in the lock, and I start turning, I'm like, why the fuck isn't this turning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I'm starting to get really aggressive with it, and then I start hearing dogs barking. I was like, oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look up and I'm like, oh, there's a lot of Christmas decorations on this door. This isn't my door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just quickly run to my door and I wait to see if someone's gonna come in, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, you caught me. I, uh, where'd you get them from? That's it. I don't know where to get them from. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there was, uh, this was, I think, right before I moved. I was out of Starbucks, out of Barstux, and, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try and get in my car, and like, I unlock it, and I'm like, oh, that's weird, it sounds like the noise is coming from like, not this car, whatever. And I open it, and it's, it's like, not opening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a Starbucks, there's people seated outside and there's a guy that yells at me, he's like, yeah, that one's not yours. They're like, oh, my bad. And then I've gotten in the driver's seat before, like, there's a mistake I've made often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that guy looks white as shit. And yeaah, he looks really fucking white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you nailed it with that one. And then with the first two. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not a fashionista over here. It's, uh, it looks a little baggy. I'll defer over to any who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, get out of here, dude. You cannot touch me. I'm calling. You know who I am. Call them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About a year and a half ago, I got some cavities that were surfacing. I got about four cavities in the, in my back teeth. Cause I didn't brush back there, I didn't brush properly. And uhm, I took a different approach. I've been looking into urine therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To use the urine as mouthwash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I start out maybe just 10 minutes a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like five minutes in the morning and then five minutes at night. Of course, you know, hours before or after food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would just swish around in my mouth. And I noticed the pain lesson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it really started to kick it up was when I started using the aged urine. I just keep it in a jar like this. This is about three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I barely brushed my teeth, to be honest. I didn't need to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you do this, your mouth feels so fresh. It just takes all the plaque off your teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels so good. You feel so fresh. Like, you know, like literally after mouthwash, like it burns a little bit. You know, you can tell it has great benefits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rub it on there if you get bug bites, stops the itching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really feel that this has powerful medicinal healing properties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't just go one or two passes now, nigga. Why show nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup, you need to do that. And then you need to rinse that motherfucker out, do it again, and wash down the crack of your ass. Yup, down the crack of your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you need to actually, yea, and you need to look at it. And you need to wash until that motherfuckers clean. Then you need to actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be 5'3 and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you. A high value man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you go ahead and go on back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from, you know, Chick-fil-A or Popeyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just came home from prison. I don't really know how to work this shit. But damn, I got some hoes on here. Let me get a follow or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst, maybe I'd line you fucking pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, person, woman. You don't want a guy that doesn't have a job. Of course. That he doesn't act together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to the bathroom and all of a sudden someone walks in on me and I was, excuse you. Turns out it's one of our English teachers. Okay. I didn't know your English teacher was coming to the party. Sounds like he's trying to fuck you. Whatever. Not even bringing it up. He walks in on me. Okay. I happen to be itching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My vagina. Really hard. Okay? And yea, do I wish that he walked in while I was peeing instead? Of course. It was horrifying for him to walk in mid-itch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go out and I try to act like it didn't happen. I-I-I ignore it, okay? Man, we're all talking in a group. Professor, whatever his butt, decides to drink a good amount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at sister's graduation party. He's drinking, putting him down, suddenly we're in a group and he's like, hey, why were you itching so aggressively in there? Drop it. Please drop it. Why were you itching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I wanted to be itchy when I was losing my virginity? You think I wanted to be itchy on every roller coaster I've ever been on? Everyone's hands up, I'm sneaking in there to get an itch while I'm on the ride of my life? You wish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com. Time is money. Don't waste it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your small business to the next level. Stamps.com lets you print official postage right from your computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been using stamps.com for oh, about a decade now because I hate going to the post office. It's horrible. It's such a time suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And stamps.com gives you access to all, uh, the post office and UPS shipping services you need right from your computer. Get discounts you can't find anywhere else, like up to 40% off USPS rates and 76% off UPS. Stop overpaying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's the typical. Cause that sucks too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could, yeah. Well, that was awesome. Joe Double. I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, where did I hear that from? I don't know. Simular is how people say it incorrectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to sleep with two identical twins and see if their dongs are identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like to compare notes and be like, I wonder, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be great. You know, it should be legal to marry two identical twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, but now you've sold me on the Scalar Brothers scenario, because if they're both different, it's like, like I'm attracted to you physically, but what if I had like a different version of you and then on days when you just like were annoyed with me and you wanted to be left alone, I could just go to your other, your twin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but, but like, okay, but there's two Toms, like there's one Tom that's like, let's go have fun, and like, ride our jet skis, and then there's, there's you. You know what I mean? Like there's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like sometimes when you'll, you'll do a silly dance with me and you'll be like doo doo doo doo doo and you'll do it in the house back. There are times when you're into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Paratimes like with a dog or with the kids, you'll have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that is exclusively dad behaviors. I cannot do that with those kids. I saw a man traveling with his little two and a half year old daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They love that. That's what dads do. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it when my dad used to, in the pool, he would throw me way up in the air. You know, it felt like 40 feet high, but I'm sure, you know, it's only 10 feet. And then you land in the water, it's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you should. You gotta teach him real stuff. Not bullshit stuff. Like I was telling Tommy, um, Ellis, if some guy fucks with you, you should kick him in the nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. You know, before, uhm, I would say early 2000s when I worked in an office, it was extremely normal for your boss to come up behind you and give you a little- Shoulder rub? Shouldy rubs. Just like, mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look tense. And like, guys in the office would just do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I worked at MTV, you look tense, and I'm like, oof, I don't like that, but you know, whatever, it's fucking crazy Gary, you know, this guy that gives girls shoulder rubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was a guy that dressed as Jesus Christ for many years on the Sunset Strip, and he would come to the Comedy Store


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but he gave very hard ones. And the thing is, massage guy is usually too hard. The people that give them, you're always like, okay, massage guy, thanks, done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this chain, whatever, this place is called Easy Fitness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like his physicality more. It's more enticing than fed smokers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's kind of nice that he's carrying the same traditions on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very similar vibes. Yeah. Yeah. He's concerned about child molesters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the generational differences in language, right? So, Fedsmoker still uses the words that are forbidden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our guy doesn't cross that line. He really didn't, yeaah. He doesn't say the R word, he doesn't say the F word. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be Florida, that could be California, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure somebody watching this knows that, that EOS fitness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I used to work there, I know that guy, that's Chad, Chad's a real asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's neat too about He and Fed Smoker is the need to document the menace. Like the need to video it and then upload it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uhm, Patty, does he, does he label videos correctly? Or is he one of those guys that's like X Y L L Z Z Z Z 1 2 3?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got back to back meetings, errands to run, and chores to take care of. What's the secret to clearing your to-do list? A little help from DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get dinner, household essentials and everything on your grocery list delivered. I love DoorDash. They've been an absolute lifesaver for me. I've got, you know, the two little kiddos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the husband and I, I don't always feel like cooking. So DoorDash is great because you get what you want to eat right now and right to your door. And the kiddos, you know, they like to get pizzas and pastas, but maybe Tommy and I, we like to get something a little healthier. So we, everybody gets what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 25% off up to a $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH. Don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is the logical extension of this is what we were waiting for. This is fucking no, bro. It's just no. I don't give a fuck what you think you should be called, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this leads me to believe, should we re- be renaming, uhm, murderers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go for it. Well listen, if he wants to deal with them and help them deal with their proclivities, great. You do it. I'm not working with those fuckin'. And here's the deal, man. I think we should research them to figure out what's wrong, why are the wires crossed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how we can lobotomize them systematically to get them out of society. I don't think many shrinks want to work with pediophiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but who wants to work with them? Nobody. This guy wants to work with maps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know why I was confused? Why? I didn't know that driver was a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the haircut was really the telltale. Like, you're not with us here, saying life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I actually enjoy the really large flags here in Texas. I like them, but I don't need it on the steering wheel. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like how did she even get that there? Did she make it herself? So many questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't have AC in the car because the windows are rolled down. Like dude, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit's not tight. Her shit ain't together. And she's got fucking stickers on her car, which is my pet peeve. I fucking hate people that have stickers on their car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week and I'm, I'm behind a pickup truck that has this sticker, but I can't really read it cause I'm few cars behind and I think it says slut life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slut life. And then I thought, why are you promoting your loving, your love of fishing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I think, it's kind of more of a safety issue. And also, I always had admiration for people in California, particularly Los Angeles, when they would have like Trump 2020 stickers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not location wise, that wouldn't be a good spot to come out as a Trump supporter, whereas in other states, yeah, totally go do your thing. But I was thinking to myself too, like, why is this, why is she advertising that she's into the slut life? Like, I was like, I guess that's good if you are a slut and you're just like, I want to fuck dude. And then like just letting dudes know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was really like, that's kinda cool, like the guys just beep beep, like slut life, I'm here for it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a slut life, right? Like, cause I was thinking to myself, well who's her, who's her match on the road?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's like that, the cadence and like the, the, they all use the same keywords and they all use the same cadence. Like you think you're blessing the Lord, but the salvation comes from proselytize. Get down on your knees and pray. And you're like, dude, you guys all say it the same fucking way. Like I don't even hear it because it's so overdone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if some guy was preaching to us and he was like, listen, God doesn't want you to fuck your shit up. Don't be shitty to people. There is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but like rewrite the 10 commandments, like come on guys, update that shit. Because listen, if you look at them, they're not bad commandments, right? Don't steal, don't fuck your neighbor's wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't murder, believe in one God, the Christian God. Okay, that's kind of obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take us through these. Well let's see, yeah. But just take out that thou stuff and just remix it and put it on TikTok and the kids will fucking listen to ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think he's, they're getting ahead of the game. Like listen, it's pointless for you to be envious of what this guy has. It doesn't fucking apply to you. Keep, keep in your own lane. It's a self help. This is the first self help book is the Bible. If you look at it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's true, these are all principles that lead you to leading a pretty good self-realized existence, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the interwebs to buy your holiday gifts are brooklinen. I love everything brooklinen does. Okay. And I'm buying everybody brooklinen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For this holiday. I'm talking sheets. Alright, you like sheets? Send them Brooklyn in sheets. Do you want, uh, candles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or do you want to have their lovely leisure wear? All that stuff you can find at Brooklyn and there's everything super comfortable and everything is just the perfect, perfect, perfect gift. Brooklyn and makes award winning comfort year round.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes the perfect gift this holiday season. Brooklyn's goal is to create beautiful, high quality home essentials that don't break the bank. It's the perfect place to find the best gift. I absolutely love this company. Give the gift of comfort this holiday season and save while you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to brooklinnen.com and use promo code HOUSE for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com and enter promo code HOUSE for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. brooklinnen.com promo code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like his mustache, it's barely grown in. Hey, are you allowed to have a mustache if you can't grow one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. That's true. You have to accept what God gave you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, his head, his hair, he says, why would we be able to loose our salvation if we are saved by grace through faith, not ourselves? So this idiot can't even write properly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this, this made my day. It was in the morning, after shows, I was wearing, and might I add, it was a great outfit. May I run you through it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, my Burberry slacks that I travel in. Okay, so I've got that cool check, a cool black top, a beautiful black jacket, and then a nice cap, grey. Alright, I look fucking on fleek, and my glasses on, I look like a million


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy comes, the door guy, black door guy, he goes, girl, you got some swag. And I was like, that's what's up. I know. Thank you. And he's like, that's a good thing. That's what the kids say. I'm like, oh, I know it's a good thing, but it made my day. Like I thought about that compliment for hours. Like when a black person tells you you've got swag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing everything right. Because here's why, generally I will say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not only that, sorry to interrupt, but a language barrier. A lot of them often didn't speak English as a first language. They were dealing with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I will say uhm, I do like to see like a diverse, like when I was in Atlanta, I saw like Muslim women in a hijab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool as shit, and in the same room it was like, the woman in hijab, and then like, the black couple, the tatted couple, and then like, the older couple, like, why are you guys here? And then they- everybody's having a good time, you're like, oh, this is what-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and I've never had, and I had two women, Muslim women, wearing the full stuff, and I was like, that's very rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen, I haven't seen that before in all these years, unless I just haven't noticed it. But I like it too in Salt Lake City, when, when the Mormons come out. And one time I asked, I'm like, who's Mormon? And they cheer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have the first, uhm, so you say black guys approve of your music? Well, very seldom do they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, oh, um, I designed these and I was like, that's fucking rad. And he's like, well, can I get your number? And I was like, no, I'm married, my husband, kids, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But he did have a great jumpsuit on. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it? Black people who are known to keep it real. That's part of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cultural thing of like, Hey, we don't bullshit. We keep it real. You keep it 100. That's the thing. I think that's what I personally love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About black culture is there's no bullshit there. So I think that that's why this stuff matters more. That's how I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's real. And then if you do well, they'll stand up and give you their heart and give you their life. See, that's what's really interesting, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to watch this show all the time. I hope it comes back if it's not still on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Really? I think so. Let's look up the Apollo, see how long it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was a good show. They gotta bring this back. Yeah. This is a classic. This is a part of American culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That talent always transcends race, shape, age, whatever the fuck you are. People know it when they see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you sense it. Humans know it instinctively, no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so funny cause this is, they're like machisimo. Like this is how they show you like, I'm fucking real man. Yeah, this is a joke, but this is really them flexing. This is like them showing you how fit and strong they are. So fit, so strong. They look what man I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and his haircut's silly. They should have really hooked him up with a better haircut. He's got the bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many things you gotta do as a middle-aged lady to stay in good shape. You know what I'm saying? I work out twice a week. I do the Pilates. I stretch. I do yoga. I meditate. And you know what really helps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jumpstart my day, clear my head, and give me energy. Liquid IV. We are nutty for liquid IV in the sagura house. We have these packets lying everywhere. Everybody loves them. They come in great flavors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my favorite is the strawberry kiwi one and here's why we love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the flavors are amazing. Uh, watermelon, strawberry and lemon. Lime, that one, those two are my absolute favorites. They contain five essential vitamins, more vitamin C than an orange and as much potassium as a banana. Grab your favorite liquid IV flavors nationwide at Walmart, or you can get 25% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go to liquidiv.com and use code mom at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code mom at liquidiv.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think he's just, he's kinda, he's got other stuff happening. No, he's got a lot happening. He's not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was cool. I wonder if she, what happened, what the injuries are. Fuuuck. He must have gore. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuck is that? I'm sure she didn't even know what that is at first. Ugh. So good. She didn't have an orgasm on this ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst part, she'll never forget that birthday. That's like when OJ was getting chased, I was on my um, 18th birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turned 18. My 18th birthday at Red Robin, my friends and I were watching OJ get chased. Down the freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just thought he was like, haha, my fun pet crocodile's wrestling me. And then she's like, oh, he peed all over me too. LOLs. Like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are wild animals. Well like that guy we talked about last week that used the cobra to kill his wife, uhm, he had a proclivity for like, snakes that bite you. Like some people are drawn to animals that fucking hate them. It's just the weirdest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why you wanna, why you wanna have a pet that's gonna fuck you up? Oh, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't understand the allure to even get with these animals. I don't know. It's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's sitting in a motorized, like. Loaded up. Loaded up already. Her cart's full. She's got a kid on her lap. She tells her other kid to lay down horizontally in the foot rest area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she's like, come on, let's go. And the daughter's like, yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should they weigh you? And then depending on how fat you are and then your height.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's little. It's always little bitches to do these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first heard that, it upset me. And I was like, why are you doing this? And then I started to listen to it a few more times. Like for this genre, what is this called? Death metal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fluent in TikTok, man. Th-these are my jams. I love these fools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I know this kid's work. Like, this is not the first jam I followed and liked. I like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he just, he's concerned about people on the platform missing him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it just looks like bloody meat or maybe that's some kind of a paste or spice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but my first question is, like, this clearly is a tribal community, like, who's posting TikToks, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now have you been lifting down your books differently since you learned the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, I was really trying to understand this talk. She's like, I put this one in my vag, and this one in my ass, and then I put this in my vag, and then the poop comes out. I'm like, wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited, there's a Hungarian store I'm gonna check out here in Monstead actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He better have his shit together. His Christian shit together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We have to do a secret Santa. That's probably new for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, tell them. We'll do a Secret Santa. In the office, we all secretly pick someone's name and then you have to buy a Christmas gift for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks Jean. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, ExpressVPN is my favorite way to hide where I'm going online. Sensitive data is protected. I'm a big fan of that. Protect your online privacy by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash your mom today. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can get an extra three months free. ExpressVPN.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This unclean beast of a cornbread cheek clapper has been brewing for ya. The creme de la creme of all butt puffs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's extra special just for you. Use some of the Limp Bizkit. Hope you like this pootsy powder puff of an anal pastry, you filthy far box. Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to choose. I only see two guys there. Yea, which one do you choose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna let that roll off. I'm not even gonna make a complaint about the guy telling me. Quit profiling people. Quit being a fucking pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling back your pencils, crayons, chiclets. Get the hell out of my office. Who makes that decision, the mayor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zolo? Yeah. Uh, I think he just turned 21. Okay. Yeah. He's a baby. He's an idiot, doesn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's close. Maybe one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hurt, growing up, I can see it in your eyes, I know. And it's okay, like I accept you. But today...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, like, my life is great, and I just want a McDonald's tonight, but you're sad, and you're an incy wincy tiny little man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he was being a complete fucking bitch. So I called him a bitch and a nerd. You know, she was just working and she probably is supporting some people in her life. She doesn't deserve that. So I do feel bad about that. I feel bad about drunk driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I propose that we as a city remove the name Boneless Wings from our menus and from our hearts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have been casually ignoring a problem that has gotten so out of control that our children are throwing around names and words without even understanding their true meaning and treating things as though they're normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go into nice family restaurants and I see people throwing this name around and pretending as though everything is just fine. I'm talking about boneless chicken wings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I propose that we as a city remove the name Boneless Wings from our menus and from our hearts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then number three, we need to raise our children better. Our children are raised being afraid of having bones attached to their meat. That's where meat comes from, it grows on bones. We need to teach them that the wing of a chicken is from a chicken, and it's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we rename boneless wings in the city of Lincoln. We can call them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time it's gonna be quick with me, because it's been a long time, because it's been a long time, long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could try that. And he did. He did it though. He did touch his camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Nina? I already knew it. Just cuttin' your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say your name so much? You see how I know it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any kind of money. You can't put your drawers in my feet. Be a woman. I bet you any kind of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't put your booty in my feet. Oh, it's a dare. With them drawers you in. Yeaah, them little drawers. Yeaah girl. Be a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, it's the monthly post here again. Just wanna wish everyone a happy Tuesday, uhm, hope you're having a good day, and the weather's pretty rainy here, but, you know, it's not too bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, tomorrow will hopefully be better because I'm going to be driving across country soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I got my car detailed, so I got my car detailed, cause you'll, you'll say some gas mileage, but also your car will look nice. So if you're thinking about driving across the country, you should think about that too, cause it'll make the drive a lot nicer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, happy Thanksgiving everybody, it's coming up. I hope your Thanksgiving's good. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what makes it good. That's how I pick them. Make them suffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you. No problem. No problem. I want all the comp. Oh, Jesus. Remember? Where is that from again? Uh, porno. Go. Then she goes, I want all the comp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] OMG, the holidays are coming up and who wants to ship stuff in the mail? What a nightmare. I love ShipStation, they really make life easier so we can focus on important things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figuring out the best way to ship your orders can be frustrating and confusing but ShipStation makes it quick, easy and convenient. Easily import orders from any sales channel, automate just about any shipping task, spend less time sorting through orders and more time doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you do best. ShipStation integrates all selling channels into one simple dashboard so you can seamlessly connect carriers, print shipping labels, and get products out the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fast. It's never too early to start prepping for the holiday rush, so get a head start with ShipStation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our listeners can use the offer code YMH to get a 60 day free trial just in time for the holidays. That's two months of stress free holiday shipping for free. Just go to ShipStation.com. Click on the microphone at the top and enter YMH. ShipStation. Make ship happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was putting on my makeup this morning and I was singing Jeans in My Cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's just such an iconic YMH song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The interview always strikes me as an odd choice. Why the interview? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is that nobody's gonna tell the truth in these interviews. I don't think so. Much like in the sports scene, you know, the coaches can't really be like, I hate these motherfuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what does this glove say about you today? What have you brought to the table?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it also has a techie feature you can push your button on, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point, why does a receiver glove need the ability to check their text messages?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a huge announcement. This is bigger than discovering that boneless chicken wings aren't just the tiny bones being taken out of the wings and then the meat reconstituted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This year, I'm pleased to announce that I'm polyamorous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm so fucking pumped. I'm not only a rap star this year, I've become a famous rap star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be recording another standup special with Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is set to record January 22nd in the great city known as Jewdork Tiddies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The greatest American city, a triumph. January 22nd, there will be two shows, 7pm and 10pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Promo code jeans. You get that ticket. Jeans. Put that in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the ticket. Now this is- They're gonna go quick. They're gonna go so fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very special. You come to the taping, you see how the sausage is made, you see me flub jokes, and then I retake them. I've learned to do that. You see toilets flushing, which happened in my first special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't know. I'm just so... The dove is typing into the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we, you know, uh, agent jeans is going back and forth to Netflix with titles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, F-G-T-R-T-E. Oh, what do they think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But he's working on touch my camera through the fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know I'm, like, pushing on him heavy. For that? You gotta come home and come correct. It's patched my camera through the fence or fucking nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm open to other titles, Daddy La Lagoon. I'm also kicking that one around, La Lagoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm your mommy. I was thinking of just calling it mommy. You don't like that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has different names every day. Every day. Today he's Mr. Hot Sauce. Mr. Hot Sauce. It's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I went out in public with him and for the entire weekend he was Alexa. So I had to be like, I'd be like, Julian, he's like, it's not Julian, it's Alexa. And I'd at the park had to be like, Alexa, come here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but also, you know what's interesting about this hour before we open the show is that I was slated to film this right as the Pandy started, actually. So I had this whole hour cooked, baked, talked, ready to rock, and then the Pandy happened. And you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stayed home for a year like everybody else, and it changed me as a human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the hour completely got better and different. Now, I won't be talking about the pandemic at all in my stand-up or politics, none of that stuff. But it changed, I think it changed everybody. And I'm thankful that that happened. This hour is way better. Way better, I would say, than the last one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way deeper, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Feel the back layers? Onions, layers, better jokes. You okay? Yeah. You want heroin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing this thing where you're like, you're like kinda nodding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's neat. I think I would like, yeah, sorry, go ahead. Let's go. Let's go. Let's fucking do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I really don't like this sketch. I don't like this at all. It's making me feel sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What part of you? Seventeen years? Is that how long we've been a couple?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you think this is gonna make me LOL?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Nadav, can you play, just as a nice retort to this, play the video, Nadav, that I brought in today. This one's for you. Since you opened on this cool thing, I want to show you something cool too. I should be the only one who gets all the cool stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not all, I believe it's longer than that, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fat. But, but I want you to listen this time and turn up the audio so my husband can hear what I hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think the fundamental difference between us is that I can't separate someone's body part from their body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I can't be, I can't even go there and be turned on and think about his skills because the whole package is so wack. I can't even divorce myself. He's a nice guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he doesn't seem like he's nice. Do nice guys do videos like this on the talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, he fucking straight up, he stares at the camera for so long. And then, cause I first saw this and I was like, what, where is this going? How many women replied?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Probably. 100% not. Well, not well. She's got special issues too on the talk. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's someone for everybody. He's gonna find it. But I mean, I had no idea it was gonna go this way. When I saw this talk, I thought, he's gonna make a silly face, and then it turned into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, that's illogical. Wait, hold on. Tom thinks that this man is technologically savvy enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, it is now. His mouth is closed and you hear it, yes. And then when he opens his mouth it does get louder. Go ahead, listen to that wheeze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's wheezing in that. What about, okay, what about man uses...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think he has no teeth, so that's a sign of poor health. I don't think he looks very good. I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, you're like, you don't see that, you stupid cunt! You dumb bitch!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so obvious. The listeners, the listeners will always chime in on this. You know that. You know that glove has gone to your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suddenly you're this expert on everything on pulmonary problems and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so sorry, so you think he, hold on, you think that he pulled audio?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understood. I, I, I, I'm trying to take this into consideration and be open minded. What is the audio of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a better story than what I thought, which is just a guy with a lung infection pretending to give oral and showcasing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now I will take this hypothesis, so the woman recording, it's a woman recording him, and she's so aroused by what she's seeing, that her feel, her, she's, her breath, she's getting breathless, is the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, and in defense of my boneless chicken wing, uh, debacle, why call it a boneless chicken wing, then call it chicken nugget?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but this restaurant that I ordered from said boneless chicken wing. So I inferred that it's a chicken wing with the bones removed. That's what that would mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but it's upsetting me because- You're very literal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am very literal. I am. I really literal- I take what people say at face value and like, I listen that way, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing a lot of what she wants, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a perfectly reasonable request. She's just trying to usher in cosmic beings of light through not the postal service. It's absolute insanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she just, she says sperm, so it sounds like she just wants to be, you know, fertilized. Now, couldn't she just go down to her yoga class and find that guy? I feel like that guy is kinda easy to find at Whole Foods or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it did go that way. It's a hot button topic. It did go that way. This reminds me of those girls on all the dating matchmaker shows that you and I love. Yeah. When they're just like, nobody's good enough for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just meet somebody and then you forgive the imperfection. You find what you, you know, you take the good and you love the bad. This bitch is not, it's never gonna happen, sweetie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna be one of those, like, super organic...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was no school and you don't have to learn if you don't want to. And also the storybooks that were read to this child couldn't have conflict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, it is interesting when people disregard hundreds of years of human studies, behavior, like you, you know, what's worked for humans over the last thousand, few thousands of years, you know, and then to be like, no, I know better. I know better. Me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's very cute. Is this on Worldstar? This is so funny. She's getting lit up right now. She's cute. No, she's gorgeous. I think she's pretty. I think she's charming. I think, I think she needs to take her meds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you've got back to back meetings, errands to run, chores to do, kids to pick up from school. Make your life easy. Just use DoorDash. We use DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, yeah, I love DoorDash, but when it's late and I'm hungry, I don't want to leave and they deliver and it's lightning fast and it's the best you can order from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Favorite go-to restaurants like Popeyes, Chipotle, and the Cheesecake Factory. Ordering is easy and your items will be left safely outside your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH, that's 25% off up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order. When you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH, don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys ever wonder what it's like to wear your comforter all day? Well, now I know because I wear Brooklyn's lounge wear. I love it. I wear their lounge pants around the house and they're seamless, which is great. So they don't have bumps or lumps. You look good. They're zipperless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're super, super soft. I'm a huge fan of all things Brooklyn and I love their sheets. I sleep on, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are sheets that have towels too, I believe. I absolutely love this brand. So try out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brooklinen loungewear now. It is just fantastic. Uh, here we go. Here's the offer. Go on, get comfortable and get it for less at Brooklinen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to brooklinen.com and use promo code HOUSE to get $20 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com and enter promo code HOUSE for $20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklinen.com promo code house. And Brooklinen is excited to introduce Marlo, the adjustable pillow that provides comfort for every type of sleeper. Visit marlopillow.com to learn more. I'm so bummed last night, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Season 3 and then the freaking internet went out. I'm so upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, just plug it and unplug it. And then you got up to do that and I saw the purpose on your face, like. And then I was like, oh, he's plugging and unplugging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times can I plug and unplug the router before I realize like, oh, there's something going on here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You trying to fuck with me? Yeah. Yeah. You could try me fatso.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take a moment. Wow. To really process what just happened. That was amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he was briefed? He's been briefed, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, I'm like, my mind is so blown right now. Like, this is like that time you found that kid in that documentary, Scared Straight. You were like, the internet, isn't this amazing? Like, that was the first amazing thing in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now through the magic of the interwebs. Yeaah. This happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I still don't think that Garth is aware of the scope and the breadth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have some waspus nests at our house I got a call about, speaking of. This is bananas. So you're right. Somebody's been telling him that cockamamie story instead of the truth, which is the mommies are huge fans of his work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is unreal. This is, this will be fun for forever. By the way, you know, I picked up, uh, when I was in Oklahoma City, uh, a magazine in an airport, uh, Trish had COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trisha Yearwood, Ms. Yearwood had COVID, the queen. She's okay, y'all. She's okay. And she was nice enough to give us her recipe for Oreo cookie cheesecake. Oreo cookie cheesecake. Yeah. It was like a recipe, like a woman's magazine thing. Um, yeah, she had COVID, y'all. So I'm happy here. She's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did you know that Garth has his burial site already picked out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what are you doing? Leave the guy alone. Let him go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't even jinx that. They're gonna leave wasps


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's his last name there, yeaah. Whatever his name is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he doing right now? Is he, is he on? I wish we could fucking get on there. Ah, he's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I was just thinking this is like kindergarten. And social media, to a large extent, is kindergarten. It's going, you suck, you're awesome, daddy daddy pooh pooh. That's what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all in your head and the secret to charisma and to success is, I think, to, like you said, lean in, be fully who you are. You have to embrace. If you don't embrace, you keep swatting away. It's just going to keep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. Yeah. So every morning I do the elliptical and I watch pajama pants. Shout out to that podcast. I love those guys. Um, but this morning I was done with pajama pants. So I went down to two bears, one cave, and it's this clip where Bert is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I have the exact opposite. In fact, the only part I'm dreading about taping is special is the editing. And I'm considering just being like, you do it. I don't even want to fucking see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I hate everything about my, like when I watch it I'm saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I dread everything. I, I watch these sometimes, and the whole time I'm like, my fucking hair looks stupid. Everything does. Why do I say that? Everything I say is stupid. Everything looks terrible. I'm so dumb. And then, I mean, I was talking about it with the, the Booth Boys before we started taping. Part of it is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, when you have, um, something that hurts and then you keep picking at it, like a scab or like something in your mouth, like a blister, you're like, I'm going to keep just going over that. That's what it feels like to watch myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's a, it's not what we're talking about, the self-loathing, and that you're just like, ugh, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you know what struck me? What? I mean, isn't the mark of a real narcissist extreme self-loathing and extreme insecurity? So he might be a pure narcissist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Isn't that great? It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wish my dad was fun like that. Oh well. Anyway, good times. Good times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I remember I was a, I mean I am a huge fan of David Letterman, and I read his, uh, what a biography written about him when I was around 17 years old, and it said that he was so self-loathing, after every single episode of the late night show that he hosted, he would go home, watch the tape, and flog himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. But he doesn't care about himself. Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was good, I keep pushing, and I know I shouldn't, but I do. And speaking of bathroom, I started drinking expresso in the afternoons. I started in a hotel room, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I found is that I take lightning shits because of the expresso in my regular coffee. It's called a red eye, right? And this morning I decided not to drink the expresso shot in the coffee and my brown would not come down. So now my body's getting used to the white, the lightning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm afraid of. So you need to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dial it back. Cause I'm, it's not good for me to be that hopped up in the morning. Yeah. Shot out of a cannon unless I really need to be, you know? Yeah. Um, so yeah, that's my story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't make a brown today, and you know me, I have to wake up, drink my coffee, take a brown, and then exercise, otherwise the whole day it doesn't go right. So you had no brown? I had a little bit of brown, but it wasn't enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pre-workout. Otherwise I can't work out. It's like an OCD. I have to have it in this order. Really? I do. I can't take, I can't exercise knowing there's a lot of brown in there that needs to come down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the whole time I'm like, ugh. It's like I can't have sex when I have a shit too. Like, you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, because if I have to brown a little and then we have sex, it stops the need to brown. Really? It'll shut it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you've, you're still using your dad wallet, which is ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like to open, I see you do it, I see you do it, like you're so official, it's so cute. Like you'll be sitting down and you're like, and then you go, put it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes you do. You're like, you like solve the case and then you, and then you put it down on the nightstand. It's really adorable actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, it's not you. Stop thinking it's you. Stop calling him daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no definition, there's no need to, why do we have to define everything so, so, so, you know, specifically?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, another thing too is always this need to define what makes you come, and then share it with others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This insistence upon being out with what makes you come hard. I don't like it. Just keep it to yourself. Nobody wants to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also, too, like that hanky sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like the hanky system in San Francisco, the gay men with their hankies. It's like, do you really know what a chartreuse hanky means? Like, is someone bringing the chart with them to a bar? I don't know what chartreuse means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that mean? I'm not sure I do either. Google chartreuse, what color is that? Yellow? Chartreuse? Yea, it's a color. C-H-A-R-T-R-E-U-S-E. See? Yellow. I know that, but I don't know that there are no bones in chicken wings. So what is the- It's kinda neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's captivating, you know? It's an entertaining way to tell a story. She's a good storyteller. She could be a stand-up comedian or an orator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I guess it's just that our generation, we're just not in, our generation was like, just do what you want. It's okay. You don't need to like, okay, you're into that? Great. It wasn't about like, you belong to that group of people you have to identify with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, it's funny you say that cause uhm, you know, every playground now is outfitted with a handicapped swing. And I take my kids to these parks frequently and all these years I've never seen a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That doesn't mean that it's not happening. That's true. Yea. But I'm always like, you know. Let's see, like, that's, that's, you know. How many do we need? We need like three? Three swings that can accommodate a wheelchair. Is that? That's a little overkill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, back to my playground thing. Alright, so, so, so let's say for instance, so now they can only play on the swings, cause all the other shit isn't accommodating for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would try to do that too. Yeah, that would be rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then you have a special place to go and then. Yeah. Cause like, yeah, cause at this park, you can only go on one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so here's what it is. I was talking to Agent Jeans yesterday and he said to me, he says to me, he says, Christine, it looks like Tommy is enjoying, he enjoyed Vegas. And I thought, that's curious. That's not something Tom's ever expressed an interest in. It's actually our least favorite location to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not for us. It's a little too exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they don't care. And usually they don't even, uh, close off the showroom from the casino floor. So sometimes they're just a curtain separating you and ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding and then people walking in and not drunk and it is a nightmare. I remember one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I remember one time we had just gotten married, we had just gotten married, and that was your first gig after our wedding, and you were in Vegas. And I came with you, which I, back in those days I never did, and for some reason I did. And we were standing at the, it was the worst, trashiest, shit bird casino. Horrible, horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the one thing I looked forward to is when you would go down to work, I would go to Chipotle and get a Chipotle bowl and then sadly eat it alone in the hotel room. This is the best Chipotle I've ever, like I was so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was because that was higher caliber food than the cafeteria we were allowed to eat in, the employee cafeteria, and I was so stoked that we could get Chipotle, but we were so poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the only, stand up comedy is the only business where at the end of the week, you gotta go into your boss's office and beg for your money. At least in the beginning. Now I remember working in, uh, what is it, the downtown Las Vegas? It was a real shit box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oxygen tanks. And I was staying there for like days and days and days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I remember I did my shows. I was middling too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then same thing. Well, we don't have the check for you, we're gonna have to mail it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, my dumb ass is like, okay, I guess so. So I go home, we're living in downtown LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sure enough, the check's not coming, the check's not coming. So I contact the guy, the booker, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, I can give you $50. Like now. And then the rest in like another way. I was like, motherfucker, if you don't mail me this money right now, I'm never gonna do business with you again and da da da da. So he did mail me the amount after I threatened him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let me see you make- go vroom vroom. I got vroom vroom stuff, yeah. What did you drive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ferrari, nice fast car, women like this kind of car. Yeah, so it's a pretty red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start thinking of the cars as tools. Oh, that's kind of neat. And did you wear your glove? And which glove did you wear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause it's really, there's a glove for everything. I mean, we were talking last week about you wiping with gloves. You could sell just the wipe glove, a disposable one. Like, you know, you just, you get a box of them and the Thompson girl wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glove comic. Remember that time you told your dad back when we were so broke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's not, he's not wrong. Yeah. Jay-Z did that before he was- Well, thank you till you make it. That's right. He was always showing up in flashy shit that he didn't know or couldn't afford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom. But now look, so much better. I mean, now you can sell those gloves. You can't sell Lamborghini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love this channel. Yeah, this is the Machines Within guy. Yes, of course, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first one was like a dance jam, this one was more like a workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. It's amazing. Well, you know what I like about this, that, this particular mix is that it maintains the integrity of the original rap. You hear the same cadence and he just enhanced what was there. You know what it really does too? Really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when he's like, I'm just giving my introduction, this is my introduction. And the guy uses that at the beginning. That's brilliant. I mean, you guys are just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, it's not so easy being a rap star, you know? Oh, that's right! As a big rap act myself. You're a big rap act. It's very tough. Yeah. Come up with those lyrics and put content. I wish you would do a video. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what was a good club in Vegas? Because I believe it was owned by a good human. Yeah. Brad Garrett. Brad Garrett comedy club was actually very good. Really? It's still around. Yeah. It's still around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was very sweet. I was a feature act there, he pays well, and he takes care of people. He's a good guy.