[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see how your sentence started to describe it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like a truck driver though. Like you just, yeah, like you fart in every scenario. And then you expect me to be like, here comes the romance, fart master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold your fart, and then when I leave, let it out, and then... When she leaves, and you can just cut that dirty fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what you could be doing if you held it when I was home and you did it when I left. I don't want to fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, I'll lean over the bed. Hey, good morning. And she's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three year old would be like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm going to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This little kid can fucking eat. Julian, our little boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he won't. I tried to do a post again and didn't even show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he, uhm, yeaah. But they also had, they also took over his Facebook. Did you know that? Can you pull up his Facebook?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His uhm, cause it was all about Instagram and then we were like, why are we leaving Facebook free and open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you make it bigger by chance? Yeah, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, cannot wait. Alright, well, those are some real comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you take four binaural drill. You'll know what to do with it. You'll be feeling that heartbeat all right. Free T-Buns. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times will I be forced to travel the phallic and demonic labyrinth of the Denver airport to make your undeniable shows, G? Just can't help myself but to follow Proto, turn into a telescope. He's just proud to be close enough to touch my camera through the fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait till everybody learns about this admission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool guy extravaganza, like a buffet of cool guys. It was Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, um, Pol Pot, um, Saddam, Gaddafi, uh, Kim Jong Il, Kim Il Sung. All the hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's really something that should be more applauded, I'm with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, you don't have internet, you just have state media, like into the home. Blaring into your home. TV has two channels, they're both state media. Uhm, yeaah, it's like. It's crazy. It's really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And plus they have, like, incredibly brutal labor camps, where you're really just sent to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you think of that as like an old, you know, antiquated thing that you wouldn't imagine is still, yeaah, in the 1920s they had that, but in 2021 they had that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they do labor stuff like pick up this, this rock and walk it a hundred yards there and then go get this other rock. Like it's not for anything. It's just to break you down, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they had this different doc that I watched where they had a old guard at one of those camps and he, a lot of people, you know, they escape, they try to escape, some of them die, but they escape to South Korea. And so that's where he was now. He was like, yeah, you know, I would just find a woman that I thought was pretty and then be like, come to my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys check this out. HBO is the channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Well, HBO Max or something like that is the app you have to download to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're definitely more compassionate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, that, that was a thing in uhm, you know, like even in Russia. Oh yeaah. In all the communist countries where they said after communism fell, crime shot through the roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we don't do that though. We don't even privately do that. We don't execute chomos. We don't kill the chomos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in the few states that still have, uh, capital punishment, yeah, they'll, you know, usually lethal injection these days. All the fun stuff's gone, they don't do electrocution. What? Yeah, they don't do gas chamber, they don't do any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they just go like, oh here, this sedative will put you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be wild for like a whole group of people to just go ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. We should do a public, uhm, what's it called? They don't get to live, no. What's it called when you, uh... Public execution. No, no, no. Public...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, just listen. When you, when you take someone's ability to, uh. Sterilization. Yea, like a public sterilization though. That would be cool. You know what I mean? Where they. Castration? Castration. That's what I was looking for. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. You stab him in the balls. Let him bleed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do real well. Not here. Not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in Texas, I bet you get some votes. They'd be like, this bitch knows what's up. She needs to run for president. Maybe run in another state and do even better, Arkansas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the boys are young. I mean, you have trouble finding your keys. So I don't want you to be like, where did I put that gun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nobody in LA is gonna bring up weather at all. It's fucking annoying. I'm like, why don't you talk about weather at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That delusion of people in Los Angeles that they're like, it's not that hot. What are you talking about? It's so hot. Yeah. Super fucking hot here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm. No, actually, the art today, I'm a huge- for girls that write till death is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people will be like, what in the fuck is this about? This is what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were scrolling Netflix and they're like, there's a new Dave Chappelle special out, it's called Touch My Camera Through the Fence, you'd be like, wait, this has got to be symbolic of something. That's Dave Chappelle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm just trying to apply that title to like, really well known...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, is your weekend calendar looking like DP Friday, DP Saturday, DP Sunday? Well then you're in luck, because our friends at Manscape will get you prepared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Manscaped Performance Package 4.0. Inside this package, you'll find their Lawn Mower 4.0 Trimmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. After using these manscaped, you will be cleaner than a car leaving Falcon Car Wash. Pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I remember the day when you were like, will you just take me out? And I go, what do you mean? You're like, I just want to go outside. Will you just put me in the car and drive around? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It uh, it is, when you've been cooped up for a hot minute, it's uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that you would connect more with what happened to me. He was like, Christina doesn't understand. So he just picked you up and threw you down the stairs. And then he was like, now you'll understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so annoying because a whole bunch of people are like, what'd you do now? Did you fall again? Like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I stopped explaining to people, but I was like, I didn't fall. I had a fucking nerve transfer and thank God I had a surgeon who was smart enough to think about the next heavy segment on YMH Live. So he recorded it, sent me videos and photos that are so fucking gnarly. I've showed it to people who are like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're seeing like somebody operate on nerves and stimulate nerves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, and I asked him, I go, can I show this? I'm like, he goes, they're yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason why this is so well documented is because it's a newer type of surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whereas my arm break and my tendon repair were just routine. They're like, this is groundbreaking. This is a new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the funny thing is, like, calling a woman a gold digger, you know, is an aggressive thing to say. But, if you are 55, and you're like, but I like 25 year olds, this is what you get, this is what you deserve, I should say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, shout out to, uh, McDojoLife. We should probably do a deep dive on this guy. Very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, most of the time your talks are disappointing, upsetting, shocking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they ruin people's experience of watching the show, of having a good day. And then you put something like this in there and we're like, wow. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think that that's the only hug I give you? Usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a guitar and do you want to hang out with my guitar? She's not having a guitar. That's what she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've been sending me, uhm, on a personal level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of men dressing as women lately. Is that a lane that's opening up more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, uh, looks like we're at a casino, and someone's at a craps table, and a guy is on his knees, wearing, uh, what is it, a collar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, you know, one thing I'll say is that, and you know, maybe this is stereotypical of me to label it this way, but usually, usually you find that gay men are more kind of self-aware of angles and the way that they're looking at aesthetic choices. And this guy's no different than most straight men you see on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you take me through them? Cause I hate this one from any, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm on the plane, about to take off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like, it's like, it feels like it's just a tour through an insane asylum, is what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like every one of these, it's like you opened a door and they're like, this person is schizophrenic. And you turn to this, this person is a drug addict. This person has, uh, they're missing their frontal lobe. And you're like, okay. I'm getting a pink hat in a few months. Great. Cool update. What the fuck is wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want more Beekeeper, is what I want. And things in that lane, where it's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He cited Serbia. He's like, or other countries. I think people were like, you're in a fucking eastern black country in a car. You're stuck in a car. Nobody will help you cause you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, he's been, that is clearly a response to everybody saying that to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This feels like this must have been a real dark day for you. That you curated this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It felt like, I mean, the bee thing was a nice palate cleanser, but I wish it would have gone about three quarters of the way through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did do good. Our closing song is DP with Dad by DJ Crownmolden. We'll see you guys next week. Of course, don't forget that we're both out on tour. Go to ChristinaPonline.com for her tour dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thomsagirl.com for mine. We're adding shows all the time. Uh, I got a one-way live coming up. Don't know if it's been announced yet by the time of this episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is announced, but we'll figure it out. Alright. Love you. Bye!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More on point, this has to do with baby DNA too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care how many times you say it's about pussy, I'm just gonna reject you wigger fucking retards and not redact anything I say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, do not send vials of your sperm. If you send a vial of your sperm, you will be automatically disqualified from this, uh, this operation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a sophomore at the College of Journalism. I'm studying ad PR. And, uh, one thing that kinda pertains to me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess is I deal with a lot of social media and I'm a new fan of yours so uhm, I went to check out some of your social media and uhm, I don't know if I'm, this is something kind of new for me uhm, with your following uhm, I checked some of your posts and saw some comments that were kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, interesting, I didn't know if they were references to different kind of songs or something. Do you, I don't know, could you shed some light on that? I'm kind of, kind of iffy on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of, uh, a lot of comments that just kind of seem, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess a little random, uhm, like a lot of them are saying, like, watch for waspas, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva mattress company. Tom and I have slept for almost a decade now on a Satva mattress. We started with a luxury firm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Down, it vibrates, it lights up, it is just the best and we really do sleep on these mattresses and we tell you try it out for 90 days if you don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They will take it back, but that probably won't happen. And right now you go to satva.com slash the shit and you can get $200 off your next satva purchase. Satva, that's S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit for $200 off. That's how much we love this company. Trot out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, I'm so bummed, like, it's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. I have fucking pink eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and here's the best part is that this has been a week in the making and I called our doctor and I was like, dude, I think I have like pink eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, well, no, usually you get that from a kid and everybody in your house will have it. And I was like, I'm pretty gross. I'm pretty sure it's pink eye. He's like, it's allergies, it's allergies. And of course a week later now he's like, oh yeah, it's pink eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking, I touch dirty diapers and dirty ass. I touch my ass. I'm nasty, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on purpose, but I haven't been as hygienic because I don't shower as much because of my ankle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm, I'm probably just getting nastier because I'm just, I've been, I've been giving myself, um, hobo baths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think I have a feeling that I took a rag that maybe I wiped my ass off. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucking gross. Oh, and here's another update from our home. So our son who brought home a frog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out one of the workers here is like, oh, that's not a frog. That's a toad. You better wash his hands after he handles it. He's going to get warts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pink eye and then I rub my hands and my eyes and I get warts in my eyes next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, Tom, how much buttfucking was in Halston? Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he gets turned on and then they bf later too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so miserable, it's probably worse than the broken ankle. I think, like, pink eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like finger problems, toe aches, like those little things are way worse than like a big injury in some regards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'm just so vain and it's so upsetting that it's like on my, it's in my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or do you remember like in junior high school you would get a pimple in the worst place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time I got one on the tip of my nose. The very tip of my nose. And you're like, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In sixth grade, I had, um, neck gear that I had to wear at night to straighten out my teeth, right? So I had an overbite that corrects the overbite. It pushes the jaw back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you better believe it, this morning I was, I called the doctor, I was like, yo, you gotta help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I texted, I texted him, I was like, this shit needs to stop, bro. I swear to God, I was like, dog, this is worse than the ankle, bro. You need to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I am miserable right now. Please kill me. I texted him a picture. No, I woke up. I looked like shit. I text him the picture and I went, bro, both eyes kill me. I'm like, I need, I need drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So then it's like, it's like fucking Cipro you put in your eye. It's Cipro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll tell ya, I've mispronounced words for years. Yeah, me too. For years. I'm not sure. Oh, they just hit me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dissociate, but hold on, I think disassociate is a word. Is it? And dissociate is a word. Two separate words. Yeah, they're two different, I believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Tom, I'll tell you, it is humid today. It is hot. And if you think it's hot right now, you just wait a couple months. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, okay, well hold on, that's a good point. I would rather have this affliction than that affliction any day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, pink eye, I'm just disgusting because I put shithands in my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Herpes on your mouth and you assume I've been sucking dicks. Yeah. So what do you want to be? Filthy or a whore? Like that's my two choices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we're calling him, we're calling him Waspus from now on, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one time as a kid, I had a wasp fly down my throat and sting me in the throat. What? When I was seven. Yeah. I was running in the front yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what Tom, I think you're, you're just being a hater and you're jellies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On TikTok, I'm very familiar with her work. She has an impressive wolf. She, she does, she identifies as a wolf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like she's showing off a bit there. Did you notice the smile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our wolves, our wolves, monogamous, meaning,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like your point and you're absolutely right. It's like, remember when people used to be interesting because they mastered a subject?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is essentially reality television. Like remember when reality shows came out and people were mad because they're like, you're just famous for being yourself? How is that a thing? And now this is like the incarnation of celebrity for absolutely no reason. So on a smaller scale, the Wolf Lady on TikTok is famous. She's TikTok famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to her credit, her howl is impressive. Like she can really howl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DoorDash. Thank God for DoorDash. We have been using them weekly during the pandemic and now because I'm just hooked on it. I mean, why not? When every night of the week you can have something different delivered right to your door. It's so easy. It's just an app. You, you sign up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look at the restaurants in your area and that they do contactless delivery. Uhm, you can put that in your drop off settings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy. Don't worry about cooking. Let dinner come to you with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time, our listeners get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH, that's 25% off, up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order. When you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH, don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Shout out to Eiler who sent this shit in. He texted me in this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then you be the socialist leader, you cumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Go jump off a bridge and make it. Yeaah. Who was that? I remember that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good question. Point of personal privilege, Tom. Uhm, that's because you don't have an auditory sensory overload problem. Do all socialists?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well these, these people do and they need you to be sensitive to the people that might have auditory sensory processing disorders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to your point, now that you said that, it makes sense. Like, this is how they're special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I, I agree with you so much, especially because it's anti resilient, right? What are we telling people to do to be weaker and to be victimized constantly? It's nonsense. The world is never going to cater to you. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I wish is that the national, so right next door to the socialist convention should be the national bullying association.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, big, wet, soppy, sloppy, hairy pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but do you think they'll ever reach a utopia, even just in that room where everybody's needs are met at all times? Cause essentially that's what they're doing with this interruption of point of privilege, you're being too loud. Point of privilege, you're being too tall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like are they ever going to reach a place where they could just conduct their business? I doubt it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pronoun announcement, my goodness. You know, people are having to, people are having to add that to their signature now. Their corporate signatures and your emails and in academia. Did you imagine having to add that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After having been here now in Tejas for just since May, you really realize, at least I do, having grown up in the bubble that is Los Angeles, and I'm not shitting it on LA, I'm 818 till I die, I fucking love LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, New York and everything. There's that logic and then there's like the rest of the country. That's just like, this is absurd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we don't know that, Tom, even though you present as male, your gender identity inside could be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that, is that your point of personal privilege that you present as white though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it makes all the difference. But don't, don't people think of you totally differently, right? They do. Makes a big difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a TikTok, I don't know if we can share it because it's got music embedded in it, but it was a, it was a black girl and she was like, I just want you to know that I identify as white. So if you have a problem with that. And I was like, all right, welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you don't know that. How do you know he hasn't gone to alien lands and killed extraterrestrials?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me tell you is that the heat makes people crazy. I think the summer cooks up people's brains. It does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there she is. I'm so glad we got to see her work and TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I thought that was pretty cool. I don't think it's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't want to swim in a gigantic toilet, like just for fun. What if that was your jacuzzi? You're like, come over, see my jacuzzi and it's a big ass toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like that has to be the stupidest idea in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what Tom, it's just called passion. They tell you if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazies. I love them. I eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Why do you think your mom's house is just the juggernaut that it is? We love crazy. You and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like my worst nightmare is falling down the escalator like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, I mean, haven't you tried to break the rules? Yeah, of course. Like, oh, that's going to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you doing? It's so embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're terrifying. I think they don't really like, I don't think, like, what kind of women do we like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gorgeous. I did all this crown mold and I did it. All right. I love you. Love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too little pause to build websites using Squarespace because it's just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love their clean templates. What I mean is you go, you ever go to someone's website and it's just a jumbled mess of words and photos and this and that. Squarespace has templates designed by award winning designers and they have for everything you need. Are you a restaurant? Do you sell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful templates, e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything online. You can customize the look and feel. Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions. Head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whether you're stressed out or you're an elite athlete like me, Theragun can really help out your body. You know, with my ankle being broken, my PT guy, physical therapy guy said, do you have like a massaging device? And I go, I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Theragun! I mean, Tommy and I were just using Theragun in our everyday life. Cause it is the best. You feel so relaxed, so relaxed after. It's just like, it's better than a massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it goes 60% deeper than vibration alone. It uses its signature percussive therapy. And what that means is you're not going to have any muscle tension. So maybe you're working out or you have an injury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two of us and we've been using Theragun Gen 4, Theragun Gen 4. Try it out. The OLED screen and design make you feel like you're holding something from the future. Just go to their site, check it out and the Theragun app learns from your behaviors and suggests guided routines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try Theragun for 30 days, starting at only $199. Go to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Therabody.com slash mom right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. Therabody.com slash mom. Therabody.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just bark. Bro, you guys are not gonna get me to bark with putting all these dog emojis in my comments, bro. I'm not a dog. I'm not a pit bull. I'm not none of that, bro. Daddy bark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I peed the bed. I'm so embarrassed. I guess I'm gonna go get me a shower here in a minute cause I have a whole part of it sort of like peed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know you have, uh, I think a role in Nashville Beat. We're gonna show a clip in a minute, but have you thought about expanding that and going on to the movies, maybe be a cowboy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva.com slash the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For years, we've been married for 15 years, we have two children together, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, Tom does stuff every now and then that kinda makes me question, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what point does- is Tom gay? Do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so Tom would have to have an emotional relationship with another man to be considered gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the other day I walked in on him and his trainer, and then they were in their underwear, exercising, and it makes me uncomfortable, cause I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I mean? How do I handle these inclinations of his?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so let's say a man is married to a woman and maybe he does enjoy watching gay porn. Should he come to his wife and say, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, where can we, where can we find these clubs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I took her to a pegging class. We took a class on it, Dr. Joe, yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah, and I'm open to it, but like, so if I peg him, he's not gay. But if he gets pegged by a man, then he's gay, right? I mean, or bisexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as long as he's not like, ooh, it's the guy that's doing this to me, like I'm turned on by the man part of it, as long as it's just like the penis going into his anus, like, right? Then you go like, it's not a dude doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a good point because I think you said even in your TikToks that sometimes people are afraid to be gay because of their own internalized homophobia. And even the fraternity culture, you spoke about that, how they do a lot of horseplay, gay stuff, and they're mocking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You're still there? Pretty much. Alright, we're gonna stay married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something else I'm into? Always telling me stuff. Uh, amputees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then now it seems like lately it's just getting more and more concrete. These things like walking in on him and the trainer and we've been watching a lot of gay porn in our own sex life and stuff and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we did do that pegging seminar, which was like, haha, at the time, but now I'm like, oh, this is like, this is real. So it's newer, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he wanted me to get this nose ring and this is like, cause his other friend from college had it. And then he's like, I want you to strap your breasts down a little bit. They're too big, like stuff like that. So I'm like, I'm getting a little nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you so much for talking with us today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much love. He's gotta shout out, yea. You gotta protect the rest of the base. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, hi babe. Ooh, why you taking those seductive pictures like that? You got me in love with Instagram and I ain't never met you. Girl, stop seducing me like that. I love how your beauty look. Bye babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the past few months, in the past uhm, days, weeks,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the voice actress that plays Moana, Ali'i Travalo. She's my girlfriend and I announced her to the world. I'm not afraid. We've been talking for months and I love her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should know by now what more you can plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad's got one ball. He had testicular cancer? No, one didn't drop. Really? Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis but in chewable tablets and at a fraction of the cost. You can take them any time, day or night, so you can plan ahead and be ready whenever an opportunity arises to get hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The process is simple. Sign up at BlueChu.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part? It's all done online. So no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. BlueChew's tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped direct to your door in a discreet package. So, if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform, BlueChew can help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got a special deal for our listeners. Try Bluetooth free when you use our promo code MOM at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's Bluetooth.com promo code MOM to receive your first month free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit Bluechu.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluechu for sponsoring the podcast. Ladies, Bluechu is exclusively for men, but the end result is something you'll both enjoy. So get your man to sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Welcome to another episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of your mom's house, as always, I'm Tom Segura, and with me is my lovely co-host, Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, just leave your mouth open the whole time, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh my gosh, so much to get into today. So many fun topics, videos, a great guest. We have it all. Uhm, let's get started. Let's just go ahead and get right into the opening clip and just kick this show off. Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude, just to make it clear like the clip before, is eating an entire ribeye steak raw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay. Yeah, maybe check with a doctor too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, yeaah. His whole look, it's a whole lot of look, as some say. Uhm, looks like he's got maybe Speedos on, the dreads. It's, uh, it's everything, but he's very muscular, so maybe the, uh, raw ribeye's the way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot to cover, we're super excited to get into this episode. Here's something we gotta get into. A lot of you obviously who watch or listen and especially follow us on social media have heard the news that Christina


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is now the injured one, the freshly injured one. And uhm, we have her stunt double sitting in, which I have to say I'm always elated to spend time with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People haven't heard the story yet, the full story. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joining us via Zoom is the one and only Christina P. Let's get this full story going now. It is Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have your lovely stand-in today, who I might say, must say, is looking as gorgeous as ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost wish he was here all the time. Anyway, so.


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[Assistant] Let's recap because I feel like, you know, this is the first episode that we would have been recording together back and you cannot make it. And it's unbelievable to a lot of people. Um, and I understand why that now you are injured and, and, and laid up at home for people who are, I'm sure dying of curiosity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About what happened. Let's uh, let's recap the story together. Uhm, I will say this, I'll start and then you can take over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so Sunday evening, it was a Sunday evening, I remember I went over to watch, uh, the, the fight, the Mayweather, uhm, Jake Paul fight with friends and then Logan Paul. Sorry, Logan Paul. The other, one of them was accused by the New York Times of being a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, so the, uhm, Logan Paul, sorry, Logan Paul and Mayweather put on their exhibition


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come home, you're already in bed, uh, it's not that late, it's probably like 11 or something, uhm.


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[Assistant] And I'll, I'll tell you this. I had my doubts about going to watch the fight only because of how tired I was. Because what happened was when you were gone, of course, I have more dad duty. I didn't sleep well Friday night. I didn't, I slept worse Saturday night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, I shouldn't, I should just stay at home, but I decided to go, and I came home, and the best thing that I could hear was you're like, oh tomorrow, I'm gonna take the boys to summer camp. Like I'm gonna take them in the morning, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I started to get a boner about how much sleep I was going to get. You know, cause I knew I was sleep deprived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I'm gonna sleep nine hours tonight. Like that was, I started to get like a rush from it. I was like, you know what I mean? When you know you're gonna sleep. I was like, oh, this is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get in bed, it's probably close to midnight, and, you know, I fall asleep, and like I said, I'm just in that head space of like, I don't have to wake up early tomorrow, this is gonna be great. And then, two o'clock in the morning, I hear you just say, ow!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like that. And to, I wanna put this, like, people who have lived with other people for a long time understand that there are, like, like screams and shouts and things that are familiar. And to me, it sounded like a familiar, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just ran into a coffee table, or we have little kids, there's toys everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, ow, and then you're like, there's a fucking fire truck in the hallway? You know what I mean? Like, you, it was that type of ow. It wasn't an alarming, uh, you know, call for your life. I just heard you go, ow, and I was waiting for you to be like, this fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just go, ow, like a second time. And I'm like, I'm just sitting there like, you know, I'm starting to wake up because I heard you. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that made me sit up was you started to call me by name. You started to go, Tom, Tom, and I sat up and I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you started to say my name and then you said it twice and I sit up and then you started to say it more. And so as I stand up and start walking towards you, you're continuing to say it. So I run down the hall. I run down the hall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like I said, it's 2 a.m. It's a new house, so you're not like oriented to like the way you, when you live in a house for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the lights are off. And I'm like, you keep saying my name, so I run to the stairwell and I'm like, what? And you're like, I think I sprained my ankle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I go down the stairs and I see you sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a landing, and then it turns, and then there's another landing. And you were at the second landing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got- I got a sprained ankle and I turned the light on and I was like, that's not sprained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most visually alarming one is that the bone for your ankle sits like a ball into a pocket and it dislocated. So it's sticking out of the side. So on your skin, nothing's punctured your skin, but you can see the bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pushing over here like this like clearly out of out of socket. So when I saw that I was like, yeah, that's not a sprain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and you're like, what should we do? And I was like, I'm gonna call a paramedic. And this is where it got real fun for me. So, it's 2.15 in the morning, I call 911 and they go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they transfer me to a guy. And he goes, you need an EMT? I go, yeah. He goes, what happened? And it even feels funny just like saying it. I go, my wife fell down the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, okay. He goes, how'd that happen? And I was like, I don't fucking know. I was in bed. And he goes, was she alone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, so how'd it happen? I'm like, there's lights off. It's two in the morning. She went to check on our kid and she fell. And he's like, and she fell alone. And I'm like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first, there's that call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the paramedics show up and they go, what happened? I'm like, she fell down the stairs. And they're like, and how'd that happen? And I'm like, I don't know, man. She missed a stair. I was asleep. He's like, was she alone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So then, this is, this is a real cool thing that Christina did to have my back. Now there's four paramedics, and they're like, they're setting her ankle, they're injecting her with fentanyl, they're like, we're getting ready to put her in a chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, we've been together a long time, he, he would never do this. I'm like, that's not a thing!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't say, oh they've been together a while, therefore he would never hurt her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, getting hurt in Austin is a dream compared to getting hurt in LA. Truly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they, they first administer it and then they tell me. They're like, ah, we're giving it to her now so you gotta leave now. So I, you, I, you started to drift. That's when, that's when I left. They were like, Christina and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when you got to that state, they're like, you can get out. Cause they're like, we're going to reset this bone. It's going to be some shit you might not want to see. I was like, I'm out. So I left the room and, uh, they reset it within a few minutes. I mean, it's over. And when I came back and you came out of it is when, what happened on your trip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we should add that our oldest, Ellis, is obsessed with Pac-Man. So like, that's all that's been talked about in our house for weeks. He wakes up in the morning, he's like, what if Pac-Man


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were to eat a ghost that was like huge. And you're like, what the fuck? Like all day, he's just asking you hypothetical Batman scenarios.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day. He's like, can I get like a Pac-Man toy or something, man? I'm like, yeah, okay, sure, man. It's all Pac-Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were, you were very emotional. You were like, you were like, I saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. By the way, the hospital was the only place that didn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Question stair falling. They're like, Oh, they're like, what happened? Like she fell down the stairs and they're like, Oh yeah, that happens all the time. People fall out. They're like, that's all we see here is people that fall down stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they disassociate with the ketamine and then they give you the propofol for the pain. And he's like, you won't remember that we put your bone back in a joint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, mine was a little different because they didn't give me anything for, they gave me paint, a lot of paint so they didn't have me disassociate for resetting anything because it really wasn't, you know, they just set the arm kind of temporarily and then they're like, we're just going to operate, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, if we're at operation they just, you know, obviously just put me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I do, I do love, I do love that sleep. That surgery sleep, when they're like, we're putting you under, I'm like, I will see you in the PM, brother. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like deja vu though, right? Cause, you know, I'm, so I'm six months post injury and surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I still have, you know, things that like I have, I'm, I'm doing much better, right? So I'm, I'm, I'm up and about. I can live a pretty normal life, but I still have rehab things to do. I still have things that need to improve in both the leg and the arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, I'm back there and I'm seeing her from like stage one. And then the PT's come in, like, here's how you use crutches. Here's, I'm like, oh man, this is all right back. The good thing was that nothing fazed me. I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we get home and I was just like, I was just like nurse Tom immediately, right? Just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's elevate you, let's put ice here, what do you need on your bedside, like get this all, here's your meds, this is when you take it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all felt like, I feel like if it would have been at it, I would have been like, I don't know what to do. But now it just feels totally normal. I might open a second business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, overall, like now you also understand like the uhm, at least partially like the emotional ride too, right? And like how it's so, you end up being filled with gratitude, and it's humbling, and it's eye-opening, and you look at life differently, and you might even come out of this like wanting to eat my scrum, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day, you're just like, especially when you're at first, like you're in bed, you're just sitting there, you're just like, you're just like a gallon of water in bed. So yeah, holding that urinal, you just sit there and piss and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was great. But I would also, don't forget, I would spill piss on myself and that would be a whole thing. And they'd be like, Oh, I got to change everything. You just pissed all over the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was my favorite too, was when people were like, yeah, but you made money on that New Year's live show of your injury. I'm like, oh yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want me to sign you up? I'll break your fucking arm in half. And then I'll give you a check. Does that sound fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you're so, like, it's so funny to hear, like, you're such, like, a nervous Nancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, I'll say it hasn't been long, but you've progressed amazingly in a really short period of time. So now you are, you know, you're moving around, you know, the first couple days I would walk with you every time you stood up, whether to the bathroom, anywhere you wanted to go, I just walked with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you have, you use your crutches on your own, you use your scoot scoot on your own. You're, you're doing a lot of things in the house. Like are you feeling better?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm, I'm glad that you're recovering well. And, um, you know, it's, uh, it was another huge surprise, but, um, you know, we'll push through it and I'm glad you're doing well. I'm glad I was there. I'm glad I was home and not on the road. That would have been some shit. You'd have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would I have done? You'd have been yelling to Alice. You'd have been like, give me a phone. And then. Dramatizing him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, see, I told you it's fucking sprayed. He saw me losing my shit playing a game in an arcade and he was like, don't give up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well, I wish you were here, Jean. Get some rest. I just wanted to catch everybody up with what happened with you. So, love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, love you, bye. Bye, Jean. There you have it, the full story of how it happened, uh, how she got hurt, the incredible medical care in Austin, Texas, and of course, now I'm certain that I'm on a watch list, uhm, for, uh, violent individuals in the area. Real exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there it is, crazy story, I'm glad she could zoom in for that and hopefully she'll be joining us at least via zoom. We're trying to get a little higher grade setup going for her there and she'll be able to do some more zooming in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, in the future episodes here. Uhm, yeaah. So that's that. And, uh, thank you Christina for zooming in. And now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm super happy that we'll be right back in a moment with one of our all time favorite guests, Ian Back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by our partner, Whoop. We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try to sleep better, eat better, and live healthier lives, especially with summer coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't always know how our body is feeling and how long to work out for, how much sleep we need. Whoop is that fitness track device that provides such incredible insight into what's going on with you. Luckily for you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop has a strain coach and a sleep coach built into the device. You just turn it on and that thing will tell you it's time to push yourself today. You're recovered. It's time to get some sleep. It's time to get to bed by this hour. You need to get at least this much sleep so you feel better tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much incredible insight into what's going on in your body and it's all provided


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for our listeners, if you've been thinking about giving Whoop a shot,


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Squarespace. Look, you have to have a website. If you're living in this era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have a website. You're not even relevant. You have to have a website somewhere people can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that you can showcase whatever it is. If it's your business, of course you need a place that showcases what your business does, how to contact you, what the services are, how do people get in touch with you. It's all at your website. If you're creating things, if you're an artist, if you're a photographer, if you're a writer, you want to publish your work, you do it on a website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can showcase everything. You can sell things. You can sell, uh, products and services of all kinds. They have beautiful templates designed by world-class designers, powerful e-commerce functionality, lets you sell anything online. Of course, everything is ready for, uh, mobile, right out of the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I know. That's awesome. Dude, it could have been like, if we had had one of those like crazy stairwells, like. Right. Like this has turns in it. It could have been like a straight down, like 25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's amazing progress. I just saw my PT and she was just like, this is remarkable progress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm sure, like I know I got amazing care, you know, amazing, amazing surgeon, amazing PT. Yeah, I just like that. And then watching what happened to her, cause like now I feel like I'm a trauma specialist. Right. Uhm, just seeing like it just kind of come together and then they're like, yep, you're in surgery, you're home. And she's just like working at it already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Come on, do your PT, get at it. Oh yeah, I'm, I'm, cause my PT was pretty... Pretty brutal? Yeah, I mean she's awesome, but she doesn't like, take it easy on you, so I adapted that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, check my cortisol level real quick. Yeah. Jesus Christ. So then what did they do with that? Did they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit Ian. Then I got home. Did it make you think about how fucked this country is with our healthcare?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, because of hand stuff, you know, at first, I couldn't even reach for something. No finger banging. You can't finger anyone, you can't finger a nurse. Couldn't do anything, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never the close one. Especially if you're talking about someone who just had a stroke, open your puss up for them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I got, uhm, a fun Canadian thing to show you. Oh good. I saw this today and I was like, oh, this is in the bank? We gotta show this to Ian. Yes, absolutely. This is phenomenal. He's giving me a ticket for stunting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many places, like, I think of here where they would be like, Oh, someone's just gonna come hit you in the head with a baton right now, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if he were black, it would have been, he would have just been like, hey, I want to talk about this, and then they would have just killed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his truck. Oh my god, his truck. I remember one time I got fired up about, uh, TSA. Mhm. And, uh, the guy in front of me was like, hey man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to cause any trouble here. And I was like, yeah, I do. And then he's like, no, you don't. He was like, no, no, you don't. And I was like, yeah, I do fuck this guy. So I, it was actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The security agent was like, what are you doing in this line? But like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it, trying to like, make a, make a, send a message to me in front of people. You're in the way you don't, you can't see your ticket. You're in the wrong line. So I was like, okay, fuckhead. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went over to his, uh, to the superior officer, and I go, that pig over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they disrespected you, but there's no need for you to. And I was like, oh no, there is now. Like now there is. And then I got like more and more fired up. You damn Americans. I know. And then they were like, uh, and then when one of them was like, kind of like looked at one of the police officers, I was like, alright, I'll get my shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, yeaah. Doesn't feel like Toronto. No, it's not Toronto. It's definitely not. Oh man. Most of my cop interactions though, I always go with the yes sir. Yeaah, yeaah. Yeaah, like there's these people who are like, you know, I like to cite, uh, penal code to the cops. I'm like, you're a fucking creep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy rolled it down for him. I've seen that too where the, uh, like a cop's like, uhm, what are you, what are you filming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you filming for? And the person's like, I don't have to answer that. And the cop's like, okay. He's like, but like, so he's like, this is, I'm, I'm allowed to stand here. And the cop's like, all right. He's like, I, and I can film what I want. And the cop's like, okay, I was just asking. I didn't know like what I was just asking. I didn't know if you needed me to dance or not. People get, people get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what you said, but I feel like- I like that you agreed. I do that a lot. Oh! You know, when people- People are- When people like talk in a way that I don't get, I'll be like, yeah, no, I'm with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably. He wrestled, which I don't know, I just feel like the combination of wrestling, all that knowledge, you know, the confidence to tell everybody you got it wrong. Yeah, yeah, that's a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look at this, you just google it and people are like, Bill Nye's Big Dick Theory. What does that even mean? Is there any more than that? No?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, I don't know, someone started, like, Christina was like, oh, one of her friends, I don't know, said that it's a known thing. I'm like, it's a known thing. One of her friends? And then look, there's Bill Nye and Neil with their big dick posts. Right after a gang game. They're like, yeaah. They finish a quantum physics speech and they're like, you wanna see our big dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come back here, I'll show you about gravity. You think, uh, you think I don't know what I'm talking about? Look at my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember seeing your first big dick? Yeaah. In what year? How old were you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that we used to swim so much, we were always at this, like, swim club, you know, like, rec place. Sounds like you were raised poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, uh, we were at the... We were at this, uh, pool locker room there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, and yea, I saw a kid change. Who was not my age, he was definitely older. But he had hair and like a long, like a floppy dick. And I was like, what the fuck man? And I felt, I was like, when does it happen to me? When does it happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he made us all like touch it. You guys want to feel it? Yeah, we were like, this is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And basically, we talk about this how you go to, let's say on vacation, you go to a pool at a hotel or a beach. You know, you're basically next to everybody naked. Right. It's just different cloth than panties. That's all it is. You're just, you're naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like if, if you lay next to a woman in a bikini, if she were to go up to her room and just put on bra and pants, you'd be like, hey, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the coolest guys ever on this show, right? Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's this guy that his name is Unkshine. Unkshine? Yes, Uncle Shine. Okay. And the first time we found him, it was from this specific video that I'm gonna show you. Alright, here we go. Oh, hold on, it's muted, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he wants to eat you, and he wants to, you know, he's very sexual in nature, but he's charming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's his catchphrase. Okay. Yeah. And he keeps putting out this level of content. Okay. So like recently he did, um, well this, I didn't know. I didn't know anything about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this is just to give you a background of who you're dealing with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's one of my favorite things that I've discovered. Clearly in these videos, when we started to find him, somebody is recording him. Right, yea. Well, he has taken it upon himself to start putting out his own content, but he hasn't mastered the camera flip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he forgot to flip it and then he just keeps putting out videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Yeah, I wouldn't see him as a car owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. That's true. But he's got, yeah, he's got a car and still putting out killer content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you go to his IG real quick? Cause he posted some stuff today. And he does this for Christina? He does some of them for Christina sometimes. Oh my god. Do you guys know where he lives? Cause he lives in New Orleans. Oh my god. All right. It might be Lafayette. Um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he's- Have you guys made him famous? Uh, no. I mean, people- people hit him up. That might be it there. That's him. Yeah. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, the account is Unkshine8. Is that what you have? That's not it. Oh, you gotta get the right one. That's not it. 8. 8.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A-T-E? No, the number eight. Uncle? Uncle? U-N-C-L-E?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shine and the number eight number. He should put eight. That's his account. Yeah, that's it. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Oh man. So he figured out how to flip that camera. That's what I'm excited about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uh, close that, and then, can you go to like one of the more recent ones from today? Like one of the most recent. You can actually see the street in his glasses though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. He, uh, first he was filming the car door, right? And he flipped it, but he's still not framing himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I really want to do for him? Cause I really love this guy. I want to go, I want to go to New Orleans or whatever part of Louisiana he's in and show up with some hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's asking for your draws. He's asking. He's asking. He's saying, can I make a banana split with your booty? With your booty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, are you as, are, are you as upset by the, like, we get so fired up about, cause you're a road dog too, you're always on the road. Yep. These hotels that have the, uh, the half glass door, like, no, like, you go to take a shower, and there's glass to here, and then you're like, how does the shower


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, they're like, oh it looks cool. You think so? I think that they think, they're like, this looks modern or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not eating anyone's booty in those hotels. I don't care how many pecans you bring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, there's like another open door. Like, here you go showering here, and you're like, what about the water? You know what comes out of these things, right? It's water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the tub comes, I mean, the only thing that the tub gets usage from now is that we have little kids. And also Kristina has to lie in it until she heals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, that's true. I didn't think about it. No, but she's been in the shower. She's been in the shower? Yeah, cause the shower had, like, we put a little seat in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by him. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. Count me in. Once you've noticed thinning hair, it can be too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best way to prevent more hair loss is to do something about it while you still have some. Why do guys turn to weird solutions or do nothing when they can turn to science and medicine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, uh, these products shipped right to your door in a discreet package. Today, Hims is offering you their best offer. Yet, if you're not happy with your results after 90 days, Hims will give you a full refund.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free. Go to 4himms.com slash mom. That's 4himms.com slash mom. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember that's 4himms.com slash mom. You know how this guy poops? We just found out. It's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea. How does he poop? He stands on the seat like he's in fucking Bangladesh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long, how long are your shit, you know, like sessions when you do this? Like how long are you- Shit sessions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I eat a lot of food that, uh. And by the way, this dude, I don't know what he weighs, but he's like, rail thin. Yeah, I've seen him. I don't, yeah. And we'll, you know, we'll sometimes have lunch out there. They'll get, uh, you know, cheeseburgers from In-N-Out or something. He'll eat five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want them to do a colonic so, so bad. Guarantee you they find a coin. Oh yeah, they'll find, yeah, those secrets in there. There's all kinds of secrets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why am I so, I'm freaked out, I'm like concerned about his health. We all were. You have the normal reaction. That's everyone's reaction when they find out the first time. Rubbing my eyebrows, I'm just concerned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what would that, what would that entail? That would just, you don't have to, you don't have to get in your ass or anything like that. But, it's a specialist for the digestive system. I'm sure you have one listening middle. I have a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, yeaah, he's filming his movie. But he built a house to live near you. Yeaah, he's not thrilled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Machine Movie. It's about his, uh, his story. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're filming that, yea. Oh my god. Yea, it's like a big production.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, there's an actor playing him, uhm, young version of him because there's a flashback thing and then, I can't get into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then there's this whole like, Jewish element to it where he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, he's, he's, uh, he's been in, he's been in Serbia since April. Good for him. Yeah. And, uh, it's a big movie. I mean, it's, it's Mark Hamill's playing his dad. Uh, what? Yeah. You know, Luke looks good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they were considering a few people and then I remember when he called me he was like, we got Martin. I was like, that's wild dude. That's crazy. And uh, there was a funny post the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's a day. For sure he does. The, the, not that gross as fuck thing. Scroll down a little. He looks good too. Oh yea, this one, this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, huh, huh. You know it's been 40 years people have been doing that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert's finally found a fan. He posted this today, Bert did. Oh god. He goes, I'm finally changing my sheets for the first time in Serbia. Guess which time, guess which side of the bed I sleep on. Look how fucking filthy he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really gross, dude. Look at the pillow. He's only been there like 8 weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing to do to Bert, I did it once on the podcast, is I'll be like, yeah, I mean, what's happening to your face? He'll be like, and cause uh, he has a fear of getting pep bells palsy. No way!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he has all these OCD like just fears and you know weird shit that plays in his head fueled by alcohol I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drew, Drew's a wonderful guy. He is a great doctor. I don't know, I was alarmed when he was like, that's fine. Remember that time when I was like, how is that fine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, we're, we're recording right now, we're doing Your Mom's House, and I have Ian Baggs sitting with me, and he just learned about Eni's, you know, shit situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he's floored that you have said that it's okay that he shits once every two weeks. He says you cannot be right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard parts of it and I was super alarmed to hear that he stands on the, like stands on the seat like he's in Mumbai. But uhm, yeaah, that completely, I lost my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he does seem healthy. Do you think it's a good idea? I wanted to set him up with a visit to my GI, just to like have a conversation. Okay, for the show, not just personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, I had no idea. Happy anniversary. I did not know you were in Greece celebrating. Send my best to your lovely wife. It's my fault. Sorry Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we do. When do you get back? When do you get back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a wonderful trip, yea, and he will be shitting by the time you get back. And, uh, I hope you have a great-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, he didn't say that it was a good thing. He said I would not, like, recommend Eni's lifestyle to anyone. Just that when he says it's happening outside the body, he means that, you know, your body cavity, right, is one thing and that the digestive system is within it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said you could lose colon, like sphincter control at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wanted to show you some clips and have you tell me whether this is horrible or hilarious. Both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, oh man. Three ribs, right? Three ribs. At least. This has a read me thing here. Uhm, this guy does all sorts of crazy stunts like this. His YouTube channel is called Adrenaline Addiction. Uhm, here's, here he is. This is a different one. Ready? Yes, I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the, I gotta show him, my, the roof one, you know what I mean? The, what is that called? Is that in a horrible hilarious? It is, right? Yea, it is. Do you know what episode it's from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, find out for me. Here's another one. Oh, have you seen this? This happened in Russia. Tell me what you think happened here. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they really are. No, they're not. They are. No, she's missing a leg. No. She's good. Okay. They're both good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's happened in Russia and I only know that they're okay because so many people were circulating this clip. And then some Russian people were like, yeah, you know, they got the context of the story there and they were like, yeah, they're both okay. Yeah. You got to see both sides of the story to really know what's going on. You really have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Why did he think he could land that? Why who just goes like, I'm just gonna jump in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just casually was like, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna jump, like he didn't fall. I love those lovely boots. He jumped, I know, he did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he also, he landed with, he landed with no bend. Like he didn't do any give. No, no, not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The energy from the, like from the land is now exiting. So it's like you have the initial break and then that energy has to exit somewhere so something else breaks. That's how you have your two breaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know where that, do you have any idea where that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kid, the kid laughing sounds American. It's stupid. When they put all those houses together, I think you're- I do too. But, don't you think this sounds like an American though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just sounds like an American little shit. Just an asshole. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They brought this to my attention. I guess this is really encouraging that I was listed in this promo and on Craigslist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand-up comic for my daughter's abortion, Boise. My daughter is pregnant. Now, anyway, hoping to get that taken care of soon. She would be a terrible mom and the baby would look all weird and stuff. It's gonna be a tough day for her family and we'll all need to laugh. Looking for a stand-up comedian like Sinbad, Tom Segura, or Harry Mandel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was walking through the airport yesterday. About his OCD. Like now it's at a crippling level or something. You know, he's like famously germaphobic and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was like, it was like one of the big, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do, uh, there it is. The people one. See like that second from the right? Mhm. That's what I saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. You root for them, right? You do, but you also look forward to like, like, you know, kinda watching them fall apart a little bit too, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay off drugs, people. There was that one guy who was just like, ahh, I don't know. His back pain was so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Moms House is also brought to you by Black Rifle Coffee Company. Black Rifle Coffee Company is a veteran owned coffee company serving premium coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Veteran CEO and founder Evan Hafer spent over seven years on the ground overseas in US Special Forces and as a CIA contractor. He is committed to supporting veteran, uh, and first responder causes. Whether you're brewing the perfect cup of pour over before kicking ass at work or cranking a can of 300 on your next back country mission,


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was so traumatic that you just go like, no. How much GHB did you do? That time, way too much. How long were you in a coma?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So normally you take, we would take, they'd give you a water bottle of GHB, if you bought, you know, a few hundred dollars worth, and you would just fill this up. Right. This is, this was a hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fucking water bottle cap. Right. And the night that I OD'd, I've told the story before, but the guy said he handed me a water bottle. He was like the main dealer, the guy that had it. He had it in a milk jug, a gallon of milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he hands me the milk jug, it's one gallon, in his car. And he's like, here have, you know. Take a sip. Yea, so I'm holding it, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It weighs more, I'm not gonna pour it into the gallon cap, like the peel off cap, so I'm just like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just tip it like that and I realized like my mouth is full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I don't want to be rude. You know, and I can't spit it back in his thing. What do I spit it out? Like I just sleep for a couple of days. Yeah, I swallowed it and I was like, I think I just took like 12 hits of GHB and I'd already been drinking a lot that night. Like a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just ended up, you know, I passed out and, uh, I ended up in the hospital. So interesting that I didn't- I wouldn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because... I like that at first I used to hate edibles because they would just fucking, they'd be so strong. Right. Then I discovered mild edibles. Right. And I just like that once you find a dosage that you like, I feel like I know what I'm getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like having, you know, a glass of wine or something. I just enjoy it. And uh, I mean, I still will have, I'll have a glass of wine with dinner or something sometimes, but I've just never been a real big boozer. And then I feel like the, uh, the experience of overdosing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then senior year of high school, second half of the senior year of high school a friend of mine brought GHB and I didn't even know what that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like option, like to have, yeaah, so I started doing it, probably like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spring of my senior year of high school, and I OD'd in November of freshman year of college, so I only did it for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, six months or something. That's enough. I think that you only need to do a little. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like if I hadn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you could go into like a program where they're like, do you want to try everything? That'd be awesome. Yeah. You know, just to see what it's like and like see, you know, have the, but then the, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember, so when I had Tommy Lee on, I was like, you've done every drug. Right. A lot. He was like, yeah. And I was like, what's the best? And he was like, definitely heroin. Really? Yeah. But I mean, I think that's shooting it up and everything, you know, like I, I mean, I can say from my hospital stay,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The strongest thing they can give you is Dilaudid, which is like basically dialed down heroin, you know, it's a medicinal, um, opiate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, my god, like my, they fucking give it to you and then you're, you feel that warm rush in your chest and then you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Next thing you know, you're sucking dick in the bathroom. I mean, I was sucking everyone's dick right there in the room. Yeah. That's the warm feeling. All the male nurses came in, I was like, take your dicks out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was, it was, I mean, so, I, I kind of, you know, I don't say, I can't say I tried, but like, you kind of go, oh, is it down this path? Yeah, I can see how this would be a fun ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always feel like I would have liked to try a coke because I'm a pretty laid back dude. And I'm like, oh, what would, uh, you know, I can't imagine you just getting into people's face and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody keeps saying that, like they'll, uh, every guest is like, well, won't be telling my parents I'm on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In honor of, uh, Christine and, um, her legacy here on the show. We'll miss her. We'll miss her. She's passed. We love her, but, um, how about we watch some of her TikToks? Oh, I love her TikToks. Because last time your TikTok segment was so legendary. Sure, I'm in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so here's Christina's curations. Let's get into some of her talks. We'll do a few. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I know, it is. Or have you ever met somebody who, like, they'll, they just moved or something and they're like, yeaah, we got this plot up, we got a hot tub, and you're like, yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah. That's what you lead with? Yeaah, yeaah. That you got a hot tub?


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[Assistant] Want a jizz on her hot tub? And when the guy tells you, like, when a guy tells you he has a hot tub, he's like, you can fuck my wife, you know. That's what he's telling you.


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[Assistant] I don't know, but I guess she was on the talk. How tall do you think she is? I think, I don't think, I think she's shorter than that truck, right? Is that a truck bed? Yea. What is she, like fucking 4'11"? Yea. No, but she's standing over the-


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[Assistant] It's so weird, it's still alarming when you hear old lady drop f-bombs. I love it. I know it's the best.


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[Assistant] The, uh, the old people and kids, so both of my kids are saying a lot of curse word and it's getting more. He goes, uh, so we were reading the snake book with my five year old. He goes, look how fucking long he is. And I go, hey man.


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[Assistant] And then he go, and then the little one who, you know, he's two, so he has like, like kind of baby talk thing. He's just like, he goes, it's a fucking file. It fucking fell on the ground. I'm like, yo.


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[Assistant] What are you saying, man? And then he still says, God fucking damn it. No way. Yeah. As I say it. God damn it. So I'll be like, God fucking damn it. And then you walk around the corner, you'll go, God fucking damn it. And I'm like, I just turn, I'm like, I'm not gonna acknowledge that.


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[Assistant] It looks like that it has, um, a waffle, right? Yea, it's a waffle as the bun. And then I think it's fried chicken. So, you know, chicken and waffles and...


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[Assistant] His diet's out of control. I'll tell you this, he doesn't shit once every few weeks. Oh, he shits every hour, that guy.


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[Assistant] That was so disturbing. That was so. Hey, I don't like this one.


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[Assistant] Alright. Very nice. Lettin' you know.


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[Assistant] My god. And he's got a Hitler mustache, right? It seems like he does. He definitely has an interesting lighting concept and nice ceiling fan going. Oh man, and you know there's... Hitting all his marks. Yea, dead bodies all over the place. Ah. This dude's, this dude's closet is, it's quite, there's quite a few skeletons in there. Yes.


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[Assistant] I have to tell you, this is one of those images where I can say I've never seen someone do this before at this moment.


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[Assistant] A collection he's got going, even what's behind him. I'm like, is that a natural? Oh yeah. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And all he's, his enthusiasm is totally, he doesn't match his body anymore.


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[Assistant] Happy Thursday, and it's almost the weekend.


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[Assistant] I don't know, he's standing in his garage. Yeah. And.


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[Assistant] I like that he's wearing gloves. Oh, he really takes care of these dolls, man. Does he fuck them?


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[Assistant] He takes care of himself too, this black belt. Definitely looks like a high level athlete. Looks like a potato on sticks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's Mick Dojo life MC. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. And it's just, it's just, um, showing martial arts nonsense, you know, like people claiming that they're showing you re like something real.


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[Assistant] Sure. Absolutely right. You can fuck every one of their wives. Yes, absolutely. Even the ladies. Even the ladies' wives. Yeaah. Oh my god. Uhm, so wait, uh, tell me, tell me people where, uh, they can start hearing, like, you're telling me the podcast thing.


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[Assistant] No, I'm so happy that that's happening. So, uh, definitely support Ian, go to his shows, listen to his podcasts, and uh, thanks for stopping by, man. Thanks for having me. One more question.


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[Assistant] He probably could fit in there. Oh, he's in great shape. He's a good looking man.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next order.


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[Assistant] It is like two major worlds colliding today. Yes, it really is. It is two major, it's the mommies and the juggalos meeting in one playground.


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[Assistant] I do! I'm gonna plug my dates starting September 9th through 11th. I'm finally doing Austin at the creek and the cave. You've done that venue. Do you love it?


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[Assistant] Great, so September 23rd through 25th in Oklahoma City, Indian Appletits, October 6th and 7th, and then Denver, Colorado.


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[Assistant] That's when I wore my sweatshirt, ComedyWorks, and then a black lady at the security office, sir, she goes, she goes, yes it does.


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[Assistant] Comedy and prayer. Raleigh, North Carolina in November at Charlie Good Nights. F-A-R-T. Salt Lake City, Utah. I have rescheduled to Wise Guys November 26th, 27th, and 28th. That's Thanksgiving weekend, so if you...


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[Assistant] TristinaPonline.com for ticket links. Thank you for letting me do those. Thank you for those sound drops. That was really neat.


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[Assistant] So uhm, so this is the best part is that our Texas doctor, I go, well look, I love barbecue. And I eat at County Line a lot. And he goes,


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[Assistant] Well, you can go to County Line, just don't get the sausage.


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[Assistant] And that's the difference between an LA doctor and a Texas doctor.


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[Assistant] Man, I miss him. I like him so much. Good guy. You know, COVID.


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[Assistant] Paw Patrol, look at all those sold-outs. God damn, the Seminole Hardcock, October 1st, in Hollywood, Florida, not to be confused with Hollywood, California.


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[Assistant] Do you think the air quality is not as good as you'd like it to be?


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[Assistant] Uhm, I love this guy. Why does it remind me a little bit of CholoFit Creeper? I fucking love that guy. Oh, that's really funny. He's like, hey homie, you gotta do your deep stretches.


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[Assistant] Since I was a little girl and I go under an underpass like this, it's always went like there would be an outline of the dead body. Like someone, someone always gets shot under the bridge.


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[Assistant] Or you get flashed. I've been flashed under a bridge. Uhm, no good things happen.


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[Assistant] And if you're really thoughtful, you can put a dresser next to your mattress and you got a whole bedroom set up.


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[Assistant] He has got a lisp, cause I've listened to that song so many times, that he has a little bit of a lisp. I hear it. Yeah. Yeah, he does. He goes, yeah, I don't even wanna do it. At the beginning. Thumb, tongue, thumb, feel. He's got the lisp.


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[Assistant] It's fine, it's, it's, look, it's what makes the Chili Peppers unique. They're an amazing band. They're very distinctly an L.A. thing. Them, Jane's Addiction, they're fuckin' rad. I love them.


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[Assistant] Wait, but maybe we're leaving money on the table here. Hear me out.


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[Assistant] What if we started a hotel for people to do heroin in? It's like a nicer environment. Yeah. So that they don't have to go under the bridge.


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[Assistant] There might be, but think about it, what about a hotel specifically catering to all your heroin needs? They provide spoons, lighters, tie off ropes.


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[Assistant] What if I provided a hotel just for you to do illegal drugs in at a very leisurely experience, a nice high end service. Like you know when you're super high and hot and it's 2am and you're like, fuck I wish I had a brownie smoothie with peanut butter and ice cream in it.


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[Assistant] Ding dong, you just, you call down to room service and they have a stoner menu.


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[Assistant] Or maybe it's an a la carte, like you just tell them what you want and they bring it up. You wouldn't pay top dollar for that.


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[Assistant] But I would want to provide a safe place for them to do heroin so that they're not getting beating rates and stuff, you know.


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[Assistant] But, uh, but Stoner Hotel, now that's a fucking idea. That's a good business. You've got nothing but awesome Stoner movies.


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[Assistant] That's a great, Joey's to start this business. He's special, like he would know exactly what, and I'm just a novice, I'm a dilettante weed person, I don't know a lot.


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[Assistant] Hotel California? Isn't that the Hotel California? You check in but you can never leave. It's a heroin house.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Hotel California is such a lovely place. I think it's about drogas, sure.


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[Assistant] I guess so. It's a heroin hotel. Remember last night when we discussed doing 69?


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[Assistant] Well you have a broken arm, your arm is in total disrepair, and then I have a broken ankle, like, and then you're like, I'll just squat on top of you. You said I'll squat.


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[Assistant] You tell the story. You tell the story. You're coming everywhere you tell the story.


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[Assistant] And that I was the distraught wife who was trying to come to terms with him fucking dude.