[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, uh, if it is my grandma Arvella, uh, there was a cardinal that flew, she had, uh, she loved cardinals and there was a cardinal like bird, like a little ceramic bird finger that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, bird feeder that she had hung above her sink, and this cardinal flew directly into the mirror, thinking that it was an actual bird feeder. Uh, into the window, sorry. And it smashed the window, fell to the ground, we put it in a box, brought it inside, and we're like, oh my god, this bird's dead, we're gonna have to bury it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm a little kid, all of a sudden this bird comes alive and is flying all over her house, and immediately my grandma went from like, we have to protect this bird, we have to bury it, this is horrible that it died, to KILL IT! KILL THE BIRD!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she took a broom and just fucking Barry Bond style


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I'll shoot, I'll shoot some, I'll shoot some cans, uh, for a while and then give it to a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's half the fun. You gotta do the meth and then you're real good at airsoft. For sure. Your teeth are just falling out as you're diving behind, uh, obstacles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to take back from, uh, and apologize to Blake and, and Kyle and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About saying that Concord has meth. They for sure do. For sure it was a problem. Without a doubt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I'm apologizing to them because I didn't, I didn't hear when I was gone, I think you explained that you were part of some sort of, you're part of the uh, conquer.com?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome center thing. That you somehow went, you did a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No hang on, I wouldn't have done that if I would have known that you were part of it. So I apologize to you for doing that and I wouldn't have done that if I would have known. And I finally put that together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I do believe that in my heart, uh, but I would like to apologize for going as, uh, as deep in as I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I like Concord a lot. It reminds me of where I grew up and I really like it a lot. I'm just saying. Yeah, Concord Rocks. As if, as in any other town in America, they have a meth problem. Without a doubt. Not Evanston. Evanston for sure does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's really, thank you Kyle, that's exactly what I was trying to say. And that's exactly what I was trying to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lake of the Brozarks, Missouri.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're awesome. You look cool. You look great. They're not a sponsor of the podcast, but we would love them to be. Adam, you look great. Fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show off our cool t-shirts? Oh yea, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. This shit really happened. I don't know where they got this photo of me, but it's pretty freakin' great. It's pretty fuckin' great. And show off your shirt. Yeah, and what's your shirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we've had people puke already. Yeah, me. Blake is our resident puker already. And then we also had a friend, not gonna name names, but, uh, pissed on his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it is the week, middle of the week. Yeah, but that's, it's not weird. I feel like that's very much...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On brand for us and our friends to come out way, way too hot night one. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We burn bright and then, uh, you limp into the rest of the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have a big day ahead of us. We got a lot of drinking left to do. Got a lot of drinking to do. We've got two kegs. And then we have dinner tonight. Tonight is the dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael's steak chalet. Uh, we have our own little house next door, so we don't have to deal with the riffraff, you know, the Delta variant. You don't have to deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the first one we did together. The very first podcast we did do it together. That was tight. Magic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've ever ridden a jet ski before, you said no, never. And then you go, not since I was 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What my dad did is he goes and for the past month he's gone and then he got his griddle last week and then he goes, oh yeaah, oh yeaah, got the griddle every morning, eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baking. Waking up the flapjack. Pancakes. And he gets closer and closer every time he tells you he's like, pancakes. Hash browns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything you want, baby. And I'm like, oh yeah, that'll be awesome. People will love that. And here we are. It's damn near 1 PM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love it. I love, my favorite part about Boxler Parties is just the aggressive chanting that is done. Oh yeah. For no apparent reason. Oh yeah. We were having some good, we had some good chants on the bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that being said, I was like to everybody, I was like, hey, uh, if you want to come on, you have like a fun story or whatever you want to tell on the podcast. You know, it's a bachelor party podcast. Uh, I think it'd be fun if, if anyone want, and everyone was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we are, we've already had, uh, one person vomit, Blake. One person stand up and piss the bed. So, so far,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they slept in like a gravel pit somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Hi-V is a very midwestern, uh, grocery store chain, and uh, shut them out. There's a helpful smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know where the solo cups are? And he looked at me like I'm a fucking asshole and he goes, I don't know dude, it's my second day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I say, I mean, fuck whatever breakfast they're trying to make us, let's just eat 25 hot pockets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the whole thing. Yeah, that's what they get off on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to go to, uh, Fudd Ruckers as Abraham Lincoln. That would be really fun for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, Austin Powers. I was dee- I was like thawed out. Yeah, they're seeing that the world is in such turmoil and people aren't getting together and they're like, who can we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give Earth, to bring the people together, to stall out Abe Lincoln. This is my pitch in the room, and they bought it in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just wondering, like, maybe that's something that, uhm, my character and Adam's character can kinda identify with. Maybe he just moved from, uh, South Carolina. I just moved from Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also hosted, uh, yes, Rest In Peace, great dude, gave us our first shot. He hosted this thing called Comedy Cocktail at Hollywood and Highland where you get a bunch of different sketch groups and everybody got to do like two sketches a night. That's kinda where we kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, lots of that stuff. Yeah, there are dudes who can play buckets better than most people can play just a set of drums. And play buckets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Jay Leggett's note to us was always like, make your sketches shorter, get the laugh, and get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The name of the club after it was hilarious, like I wanna say it was called Pandemic. And like all of the- there would be girls dancing in cages in like nurses outfits. Do you guys remember that? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I really do think it was called Pandemic. I'm not making-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was called the Highland. That was what it was called. It was called the Highland. Yeah. Yeah, that was the name of the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, after comedy, it would immediately switch over into a bro club, and we were just like, we're in the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also Jay Leggett on an episode of Star Trek. Check that shit out. The freeze frames of it are so dope. He was like full makeup alien. I was- I love that. Amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent a lot of my youth, like, being very anti and thinking like, oh, Star Wars is superior, but when you really dig into the show, Star Trek is so fucking cool, dude. And they did like, every type of episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't even that they were like, sexy women, it was just that they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Half fish, or like, totally just, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said gills, you said big rocket dogs. They didn't have, it wasn't even about the rocket dogs. It was actually just the fact that... It's species. It's the same reason why...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty bad. It's not species. The name of the movie is not species.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just if we could clear the air with Kyle's confusion though, Species was a movie, but the movie Kyle was talking about with Adrian Brody where he fucks an alien is called Splice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? You have to watch the movie. It evolves into that. I don't want to spoil it, but- It does, yea. We did by saying he fucks it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, my dad is watching Shape of Water. He doesn't even like Star Wars. Anything with like, supernatural stuff he's not watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got Ernest, who was my original Pauly Shore. I pivoted from Ernest to Pauly Shore as a child. Yeah, it's a natural progression. They kind of both find themselves in the same predicaments. Going to jail and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so sick. I love that we did like an hour on Donald Sutherland yesterday, or last podcast and now we're going in on Tim Conway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly, like, sketch comedy is such a lost art form, it was so sick to have like, sketch comedy be a, a thing on television. We gotta get back to that, somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like mainstream sketch comedy, like we used to have options, like even in talking about J-R-I-P, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in Living Color, and then they had like, Upright Citizens Brigade, there was like- They got fuckin' Black Girl Sketch Show, tune in. Oh yeah. I have watched that, and that is actually very funny. I'm down. What else is there? What's His Name Show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched the last Blockbuster on Netflix and he said, dude, like, I got, like, emotional during it. I, I, I cried. I started watching it. So I, like, last night I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you know what, tonight, I'm gonna sit down, I'm gonna sit into this heavy ass dock, cause my boy Kyle said he got emotional about it, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna make him have a little car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause first off, okay, it's presented very comedically, like Paul Scheer is in it, like Brian Poussain, it's like, it's comedians, it's like, yea, but everyone's joking, it's all, it's like very light hearted, it's like, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you guys were saying I was about to- like the last blockbuster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, look, they're in the movie, they- and what you guys are speaking to is they keep being like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh damn, now I'm remembering the first time I've seen a porno magazine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] OCC, and that's the kind of stuff you learn at OCC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You couldn't beat out TK, bro. You went heads with TK, and TK got your spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if there's one thing I know, if you battled- Even Teddy got in! If you battled Thomas Kellogg one on one in anything, he's gonna win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've talked about Thomas Kellogg, the slam dunk genie. By the way, he has started a Instagram show, kinda. How do we link to that, Kyle? Cause it is pretty dang funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like a, almost like a talk show. And it's just full on Thomas Kellogg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we actually kinda need to, uh, swoop up his boy like we swooped up Jillian because his shit looks really cool. I guess he does like graphics for like the local news or something. He's super proficient. And he's efficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, how do you define a young soul? Is it just like, immaturity or is it like, you have a youthful energy about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you also don't get hangovers, so. Yeah. It's kinda fuckin', I guess I'm a young soul! Yeah, get em!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm walking in at this podcast, I'm hitting this board like nobody's business, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it's necessarily moon dust, but it's definitely stardust. We're all from the same...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you got, dude, she's on the Lovin' Basketball soundtrack, so sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, did you mention that? We did that, like, one of the first couple, uh, episodes of This Is Important. We went into what soundtrack is better than the movie. Did you mention Brown Sugar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't encourage that. Have you thought about why you do it? Cause quip tells me to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that's actually really funny, kinda clever, but the follow up tales from the alternate universe was just that, uh, you're out of kegger and the dudes are wearing capes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Sure, that's cool, but why do we have to then go to the Staples Center and watch you stab it to death? That's hella weird to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job, Ders. Get em! Good job. That's tiring. Get em!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An ape and they are just like a million times stronger than us. How come we can't tap into that orangutan strength? What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was wild though. That was like a really specific news story, right? Where like a woman had a pet. What kind of monkey was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know what? I'd like to apologize to anybody who had a awesome human interaction with anybody working at Blockbuster. I don't want to take away from the human aspect. I do love knowing that you guys were out there bonding in the video store. I may not have had that experience, but I see you. You are seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think cause I was going in with my mom and I was just getting video games and I was getting out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I definitely, I definitely have a lot of memories with my friends within the video store. Me specifically. It was all about, they were very talk, they were talking about how like you would interact with the people that work there. I did not make friends with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to patch the holes, but, you know, it just so happens with Blockbuster, I don't know, they were the enemy to me, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I, I think, uh, I think there's a lag going on and it came out and then Dyrs caught it and then we came back and now I hit it and now here we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well tin foil if you got fillings, but what's the, what's the matter with ice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was like, if you wore green the color, like, you were like code that you were horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explode into butterflies. That's tight. I mean it's basically we're cross, we're at a crossroads, we're at a crossroads between like, Kyle, we're losing you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you had to comb the lice out of your hair, right? You remember that shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, I was probably, I mean, I was like eight or nine and we played slug bug all the time. So it was like punching was kind of like what we did. Right. But, and then you can punch to it. Is your mom the bug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom was, was like, yea, you can punch me in the shoulder, but like, you have to be careful, like be, be, you know, don't try and hurt. But the one time I tried to hurt. Why was dad hitting you? We're playing a game, it's called Punch Bug. Slug buggy. Did you ever go to a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom did hit me back. Yeah, for sure. That was like, yes, it was, it was like a mutual like kind of thing that we would do. She was like tough and I was like, you know, 10 or 11 or something like that. But when she was combing through


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very wrong. Where? Where did you hit her? Like the shoulder? On the shoulder, but you know how you can hit like the muscle and then you can also hit the bone and like the bone kind of hurts a little more? I hit her on the bone and it's like, I'm sorry mama, but I didn't, I didn't really know, you know? This is a reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much love, Dennis. If you can hear me, much love, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a big family though, she's got a big family, right? She's got a big family, and we- So there's like built-in sisters and brothers on each side, and then friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard. We roll deep. You couldn't cut people loose? I cut motherfuckers loose. I was like, sorry man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that they go, you don't understand the correlation. It's best man, which means best man at fighting. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called maybeitsthis.com. You go and type in your question and it goes maybe it's this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Play cards. I think that's the move. We'll buy a bunch of guns. We'll, we'll go crazy. Smart. Yeah. Get a bunch of guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The anarchist cookbook was always, the kid who always had it was the kid who was never gonna do shit. But was always like, I could, I could just fucking blow this whole place away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a book. I think they did a documentary on the guy who, who wrote it and he like heavily regrets it because I do think a lot of kids did use it for fucking shitty shit. Uh, he, it was kind of a lark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sincerely. Really? A sincere let's go? I feel like Blake has said let's go, and you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're here for you man, if you feel like you need to shake it out and get that out of your system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, when she does, when caperlant does the serious phone calls into the banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you're pretending like you're not QAnon himself. Herself, we don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it would explain everything. It'd be like, oh, okay, I get it now. That was pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're both listening to a podcast about this, two different ones. So obviously there's like an appetite for people who are on the outside looking in, trying to understand it and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a waste of time or do you feel like, Adam, you said you've got some people in your life that are fucking down with the sickness. So like, does it give you a window into the world or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's no worse traffic than here in LA. What'd you guys do today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Oh, the sweet pizza gate. If we could just go back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it was dick in the box and it was Ratatouille in the hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we tell everyone to tune out? We're talking, we're talking directly to the guy from SNL now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we step it out for the... You want to step it out? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I feel like the other, the one that they did kind of had the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then kinda had a middle and then it kinda got murky, didn't have an end. Let's help him out, give him a beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, give them a beginning, a middle, and an end so they can really just kind of wrap it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exterior night? Is that what we're saying? Exterior night? I was like- We're going exterior night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this is, this is about a guy who comes home to his apartment, right? And his, his wife, her girlfriend has like her clothes off and there's an owl there and he's like, what are you doing? And she's like, nothing. And he's like, why, why, why is there candles lit? Why is there music playing? Why is there an owl here? And she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes down, he's like, uh, hey, was there somebody here? Fuckin' my girlfriend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and the guy coming into the apartment should probably be the host because it's a very reactive, uh, they don't have to do much. It's kind of a reactive thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you do the whole, you do the whole who thing that kind of wears out. And then, uh, as he's going to be like, yeah, you're right. I'm crazy. I'm talking to an owl. And then when he walks away, he's like, I will fuck your girl. And he's like, did you just say something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, I guess like at the end, the big button at the end is like, he's like, all right, let's just go to bed. And when he takes off his shirt, he's got like cat scratches and she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are those shows good? I wanna get on one. I wanna be like the eighth dude on the roster who just says something funny and then like farts off to go arrest somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny dude, he's like a lab, he's like a lab guy on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the first time I did improv class at Second City with Adam, you were doing Mike McCoy in a sketch and I was like, this is fucking hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me, Eddie Redmayne. I'm really a guy. I'm from across the pond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is weird because I feel like it is the easiest one. Oh shit. Go ahead Blake. What do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'm not saying you can't get there, Blake. You're just not there right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's gonna deny that. Thank you. Yeah, a lot of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long ago, ink was used to write. What we use today


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today we use iPods, CDs to listen to music. What was used long ago? This is a little girl's dress from today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, alright, mate. Thanks, mate. I'm good. Yeah, it's whatever. I guess he's got the best, he's got the best hair, he's got the best face, I guess. I guess he's got the... Hey, where we going after this, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a bird thing again? You just, it's the hawk part. You can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what, uh, what's your, what don't you like Ethan Hawken?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Monster? Not monster. Beast? It's called something like that though. He replaced a boxer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just getting a big shout out here though. Like is it like JFK or like natural born killers kind of shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when there's more, I think there's more to grab onto, it's easier. When you have something like this to do, mate, you got something, then you're like, oh, I get what it is. But when it's subtle, your heart, you're like, where do I grab onto it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the fact that he was in our movie for 10 seconds was a fucking... The coolest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, where'd you pick that up from Kyle? Where'd you get the accent thing from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, come on. Did we see that die-hard fucking Bruce Willis commercial for the batteries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they can't because the next thing you know, they're using the NFL's thing to sell their shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like the next thing you know they're gonna be making t-shirts and selling all that shit and they can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't remember anything we've talked about for the past hour and I'm like going through my shit and I kind of always piggyback on things you guys remember and I'm like, yeah, yeah, that, that, that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but my brain doesn't work this way and I'm sorry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe our producers can just type up like half sentences that like, every 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it is. It's super Irish. I actually just had a meeting with these two, uh, director dudes that directed this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Irishmen, and they, they're like, you know that's like Smith over here, divine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? I think it's more uncommon than Divine is there. That's so tight. Hey, producers? Let's look into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying generally- I think you're trying to call out, well the reason we're even talking about this, cause we're recording this podcast on St. Patrick's Day! We are. Swedish! Yes we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like you're calling me out on my Irishness. Like you don't think that the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were currently in Ireland, like they're fully Irish. Breakouts. They're the real deal. Just over there with a bunch of... None of this fake shit, none of that like me saying luck of the Irish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably cultural appropriation. Yeah, you're on a roll these days. Bunch of Irish people are gonna be like, fuck you, dude. Luck is the Irish, fuck you, that's our shit. Are we rocking kilts and sombreros at your wedding? I think that is gonna be the move. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Smith is the most common surname in the world, most prevalent in the US.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is breaking it down in numbers? I think it's the most 9000, oh divine is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The highest density is Northern Ireland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, are you guys, none of you guys are Irish, so this is really only, like- I'm Irish, what the- You are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about that in the Chicagoland area. That's uh, that was a weird one. Yeah, there are like, Polish jokes that people say, but I don't, I never understood any of them. I'm always like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking to Blake, I feel like your hair, you're like a redhead a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Intern is a movie starring Anders Holm and myself and also Robert De Niro and Anne Hathaway are also in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it has blonde in it. That's cute as fuck. Strawberry is sexy as fuck, so. Yeaah. And then you're like, look at Blake's, uh, red ass hair, which I think is cool. Right. Because I have a family of, uhm, I don't know, you guys I don't think have met my cousins. And is this on your mother's? On my dad's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About to? What do you mean? They have made a comeback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not gonna feel the same. And everyone says it's the weirdest shit they've ever done because it's not laughter, it's people honking their horns at you. And flashing their lights and shit. Yeah, which feels like a heckle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure dude. Cause he does like 20-30 minutes before I get on stage and I'm like, do some crowd work up top but then do material because I don't do a lot of crowd work and I don't want people to be yelling at me thinking like, this is gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 100% of the time he's like, absolutely. And then right before he is about to bring me up, he, he can't help it and he'll go in on somebody's hat or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I have a weird thing. I rented this, uh, truck, this Ford F-150. Hell yeaah. And I'm in the south, in Charleston shooting, uh, the Righteous Gemstones next season, coming at ya. But I rented this, uh, Ford F-150. It's bright red. There's this fucking cardinal that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it has to. Like me and Chloe were just talking about this. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This bird thinks that I'm in charge of a giant other bird, that then he must try to fuck. But then he gets a little mad at himself and he's like, am I fucking this thing or am I gonna shit on it? And he's like, I'm gonna do both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? They just, when they came and they, they hit America's soil, they're like, yeah, let's just give something easy to spill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, I don't. I always like it every time I have it. I'm like, that was really good, but I never just get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, yea, I don't think I can drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 16 of these. Like I can't have like a whole day of drinking beer like on a boat and have it be Guinness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yummy! We're gonna get some weird Guinness hate, and they're gonna come at us, and they're gonna be like, Fuck you, dude! Absolutely, you can drink Guinness all the time. Then we're gonna go on the profile photos, and you know they're gonna be gingers. Look at the Irish to ya!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we went to, uh, I did that USO tour, right? And so, I flew on Christmas Day, and we went to USAA. Yea, and that's their, um, insurance, and oh god, it's so good. I think, or the bank, I'm not sure exactly what that is, but uhm, What? The USAA. I'm gonna get the drop, don't worry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to Spain and then Iraq and then Afghanistan and Poland and then on our way home we had to stop in Ireland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, shit-housed off of Guinness and admittedly, like, I thought it was bullshit. I was like, the Guinness is gonna taste the same. Because I've been to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was with uh, General Dunford. Noriega? I wasn't with Noriega. No, it was General Dunford. Are we allowed to- is this classified? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but he was a four-star general. He was like a big deal. It was so crazy seeing a general walk into a room with, uh, of soldiers. With his fly down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember it being warm, no. But maybe it was at the airport, so they, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we stopped at the airport and only had like an hour and a half. And so we went in the airport and drank there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something interesting to talk about? Look at the Irish. No, I'm asking that- that those count too? Yeah. Then no, I haven't. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're doing great work over there. Is he still doing them? It's like one guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You took it. And no, guys, let's be serious. I would like to know that too, how many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's hide, we see you, Chloe. Hey, Chloe, you can't hide. You think you're hiding? You're in the reflection, girl. Say hi to the guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's helping me, uh, keep this thing charged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're thinking about a corned beef and hash taco for the wedding, babe. That's not a bad idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weirded out that, that you could get tacos at the burger joint. Yeaah. I remember, cause coming from the midwest you're like, well that don't happen though, you gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or Taco John's. Or the Taco Bell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very segregated place, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Frickin' hammer. Yeah, their fries are, I don't know if I would call them hammer, but they're, they're definitely ranch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's too much tato. Right, right. No! A little too much tato. Oh, come on! Well, just have a baked potato. If you wanna just eat tato, you're trying to get as much crispy crisp as you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's not shoestring though, dawg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine, mine is crinkle cut. My favorite type of fries are the crinkle cut and I'm thinking of like the bag that my mom would buy and she'd fry them herself. The oreo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think she probably just used too much, uh, oil. I bet she was just like not measuring shit and was just like tons of oil on it and was just like mad crispy and delicious. Big shout out to Penny Devine. Or Penny Cobb, her maiden name. Penny Cobb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get that. I think it's, it is. You asked, I answered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You just told us about a nugget of hash brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you consider a French fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that rocks the boat. I think that's well within the boat. We all have disagreed with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bowling alleys in general, are they doing what my mom did? And just was like- Yes, dumping it. Yo, the amount of oil does not matter here. Like we're not measuring shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she just put them in the oil for too long. And they were delicious? They were just so oily and crispy that they're good. It's like you're drinking oil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't get better than- I do like, you know why I like curly fry? It's you get more fry per bite than any other fry. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, look at this Featherstone. Won't mind dippin' this into the little ketchup and ranch combo doggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all don't fuck with ketchup ranch combo doggies? With your ketchup, with your, uh, french fries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well explain what they are, because a lot of people in, you know, that are from other lands besides California, they don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pickles and onions. Spread. They call it spread. That's a really bad explanation. They call it spread. It was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, someone just drove off the fucking bridge listening to that explanation. It was fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Thousand Island Grilled Cheese and Onions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I like, I like it just fine, but it's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. To me, I don't get it every time I go to In-N-Out because it's like, it's so much. You're being naughty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two months? That's a little bit of a ground impound. You must have been pretty close to, uh, to the end zone. You were right in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's something about being away from your house and away from your like regular routine that you're just like, who cares? I'm a naughty boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fucked up, but I'm fighting back. Is that row machine close by? Can you show us that row machine right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is CGI lotion back there, and it looks so real. It does. It looks so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're showing it on like sports center and shit, where it's like hand sanitizer, where it's a giant bottle of hand sanitizer, and then it's squirting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. They're, it's just everybody in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the crowd, it's uh, it. Milwaukee Bucks wouldn't hire paid actors to act like they're getting jizzed on by the hand sanitizer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, only because the NBA is trying to be family friendly, I don't think that they're going to- So Bukkake video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. I don't think that they, I think it was someone going like, yeah, hand sanitizer. And then people will like hold out their hands and act like they're putting it on as like a public safety thing. But then for sure, people are drunk at these games and don't want to do that. So they're going like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was not, it wasn't like Pam Anderson there, you know, you know, uh, circa 1995, getting spotted at the game. It was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, on, on a Jumbotron. And someone like- I thought that was Rene Russo. Are you serious? Yeah, I swear to God. I don't know about Rene Russo, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually, hey, Blake, I don't want my money either. Give it to Kyle. 300 to Kyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's selling them and sold for, it was something like 69 million dollars. He sold the NFT, what we were talking about. Kyle's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but then we will reveal who's butthole is who's when someone buys it for X amount of money. And this is a really good idea. And Isaac, our manager, our ginger manager's listening to the Irish to him. Uh, let's, let's work on this. Adam, any take back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but that's not the... how it works. I'm saying it could work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non-fungible? Did I say new? I meant to say non. Meant to say non. Fungible? Fungible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't take anything back and I think this butthole idea for the non-fungible tokens, uh, is a really great idea and we are going to be millionaires from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're, they're like, uh, pubic hair photos here in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so offended. Let's be serious right now, Ders is offended. Yea, I'm serious. What is it, Ders? I'm a serious. Deal. Deal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle, and save that for when we take photos of our buttholes, because if yours is gaping a little bit, that might be extra funny, and that might sell for more money. Right. For NFT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just wondering what's more popular. I would argue to say life is a series of let's-go's. Let's just agree that life is a series of let's-go's. Life's a let's-go and then you go? Yeah, that's what I'm saying dude. And that will be the sign that hangs in my bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Good shit, man. Let's throw it to Kyle who is laying in a bed and it's not a death bed. It's a life bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is that? Where is the VOS difference on the, on the penis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's weird is like the fact that you don't know what track it is, is you're going to be somewhere and that's gonna come on and it's going to trigger you and it's gonna send you right back to the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're gonna start crying and starting to try to rub the iodine off your cock like it's McBeth. It feels like I'm being speed-bagged, honey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can't find it. Yeah, do you get your old one or do you get a new one? Do you get like a cyborg one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing wrong, it's okay if your face looks like Kyle's cock after surgery. We actually love that. If you have a mad ball for a face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like a dick thats had iodine poured on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And that's fucking cool that when you get your dick into trouble, you come to us, your boys, your fucking day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, you come to the, you come to the this is important chat and you fucking spill your guts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I mean, uh, what's her name? Just got busted. Like Rachel Nichols for like ESPN. Like it was like just a, she was like pre-zooming and said some shit and then next thing you know she's not courtside anymore. Right, right, right. There's always somebody. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's if you're getting attacked by a wildcat, but I personally, I'm like push came to shove. Maybe I could kill a wildcat, but I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two animals that throw me for a loop are deer, because I do think when push comes to shove they could fuckin' wallop you. And the other one is like a pig, or like a hog. I think those things are wild hogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. But he's a young man. We're kids in 40, we better be able to fuck a pitbull up, right? I don't know. I don't know, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we want to see Anders versus a Goose on a golf course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Kyle on his choice of jazz in the room, I feel like that probably loosened the mood for everybody involved. If you didn't come out too aggressive, you didn't come out too soft, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, but until you hear that song again. I'd like to thank Kyle


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, you know, as, uh, we've established from around the Bay, I like everything a little bigger. He likes it big. Let's go large. Almost 40 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wouldn't a dad hat be like a fedora? That feels more like a dad hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, but how many children and teenagers were rocking fedoras? It was like you're either, maybe it was a grandpa hat, maybe that's a grandpa hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey no, it's only if you do 15 seconds of it, can you do 15? I kinda just don't wanna hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the bartender, it was the lady bartender. And then she went and we didn't go, right? Wait, I don't remember this part. I think she's like, I'm at the Batman ride. I was like, uh, I'm still sleeping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, this was like Drake's first album, like nothing- First or second? You can think which one had- So Far Gone? You can think me now? Oh yeaah, it was, uh, So Far Gone for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, shout out to all our northern listeners. Canada, you guys rock. I miss you guys. I want to get back to the cove bad. I miss you guys. Can't wait, can't wait to get to the cove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Cactus Club, like the vibe is like Yard House meets Hooters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. That would be tight. Now I'm trying to think of what would be the stickiest restaurant collab. My god, like. Yeah, for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, but also it would be like, cause I had one of those Chipotle free for a year, two card shout out Chipotle. Same Z's. How did you, I didn't get one of these ever. We're famous. But it would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was probably all fat-headed and bloated. Yeah, your face was probably falling off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeaah, those time lapses where their bellies all pu- Oh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, or like, if you just light like a Bic lighter and it looks like a nuclear blast, it feels like the exact same formation as if it was a bomb going off, but it's just a lighter. That's the universe, man. That's the universe, dude. We're so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's gorgeous. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Life is beautiful, baby. The world is a beautiful place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, can you call an ambulance? I have a piece of your roof in my side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders, you kinda look like the dude who, uh, made his whole family live in the basement. Have we talked about that? Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you see a picture of his face, he looks like he could be of, of the Holm descent. He could be a... He might be a distant uncle. But he's truly terrifying. He's a terrifying looking grandpa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good call, dude. Responsible dad shit, I'm here for it, brother. I like that. I like that. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I do have a confession. Last podcast, I was slamming your cans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Halfway through, that shit kinda caught up to me. How many did you have? Yeah man. I think I got through like four, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't for science, it was more for comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also if you had a sick epic ass hangover night, but if it was just like you and your roommate and you both fucking crushed tall cans and you both woke up hungover as fuck and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean were you guys, were you guys drunk criers? At what age do you hit when you stop crying when you get drunk? That is a real high school thing. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this isn't, this isn't just our friend group, Kyle. There, it is universal. When you are young and you get drunk, you have, there are homies that cry when they get drunk. That is a universal thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's something. Dude, yeah, no, it's the demons. It's the demons bubbling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had too, too much boons, hard, uh, boons, boons farm. Or fucking, yeah, what were the little Jack Daniels, uhm, ah, Lynchburg Lemonade, my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like. He was walking outside of the liquor store and they're like, that guy's 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? His brother would take photos so Kyle had the hack and Kyle, you do have a headshot and I'm in it with you so, we're gonna post that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right. Savage. Savage. Thank you. Fucking savage. I was gonna say Lennox, then I'm like, that's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I mean to be fair, I bet the hottest males and females walk through those doors to get their photos developed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna compliment Kan for how, uh, how, how freakin' fully torqued I was last episode, and I, I know my dose a little better now, but I really wanna compliment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thisisimportant.merchcentral.com. We got some great stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and we were talking about weird ass shit, like, philosophy, like, I was gripping, bro, I was really gripping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about God, we were talking about like reincarnation, like he was crazy bro. Was I trippin'? Last podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it from? That's a question. What is that from? I don't know. It's probably rooted in Christianity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apple. The apple cinnamon. Get at meeee. Cinnamon and spice and then the brown sugar one was f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, I don't know if you know about newspaper, but it's a black and white industry, man. We don't play in the gray area. You killed the industry, brother. Oop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually did mine, I did mine as a team with my mom. We rolled around in the, in the Mazda minivan and I would pop out the side door on my rollerblades and because we were doing like seven routes at once. We were running the block.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gave me like a true like triggering feeling of the sound of an alarm clock like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I think about it, when we were doing it on Rollerblades, this was like exactly at the time when we were, uh, maybe this is a California thing, were you guys ever into Roller Hockey? That shit was... Yeah, played a bunch of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Airborne for life, I would never not rep for airborne, but brink, you can suck a d-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that rivals baseball movies are extreme sports movies. They're so good. They're so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, good. Kyle, you just lost your part to Jillian. And that's what Ders brings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Squints is like... Is Emilio Estevez not in that? No, that's Mighty Ducks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The floater is the most epic moment in cinema history that reveal blew my mind, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So-so, that's Keith Chief. It's Kaiser So-so. No, it's Kaiser So-say. I think I said it right, and then it's Kaiser-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm showing up in rollerblades because we're making a rollerblade movie, okay? Uh huh. I'm gonna be wearing pony rubber cleats. I like if we show up dressed for the movie we want to make. Nobody reads the script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what- Okay, that's a good- What is your favorite genre of movie? If it's not baseball movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, you're gonna have your dick in an iPad in no time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you guys didn't hear me play Who Let the Dogs Out for Ders' alarm clock? Oh my god, no. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that makes me so sad, I've been absolutely fucking killing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that makes me so sad, I was killing it on the board, I swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, man. Yeah, I'll see you- I wish I woke up like that. I'm gonna have to re-edit my soundboard in. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my, my bad guys, damn. I'm really sorry. I'm glad you finally got there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're like, hey, how much is the bowl of chili today? It's 112 dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you guys are well aware. KFC? Does KFC count? My stepdad makes a mean batch of beef jerky. Hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was in the workaholics writers room, there were, uh, things that we tried to avoid, like joke forms we tried to avoid because they had been overdone, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are kind of flagrant about that on like Twitter and stuff too, like you'll see like, whatever, whatever, whatever, and then it'll be like, that's it, that's the tweet, that's how they end the tweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have an Anchorman quote off. Let's see who can go the longest. Oh, I can't. Milk was a bad choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a great moment. That was a great click. Super funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna watch, uh, basketball. It's my favorite sport. Who you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think you guys came, uh, came on fire today and I'm just proud to know you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I'm hoping, I don't think anybody was, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I will apologize, but what if maybe my quick time audio record, I wonder if my sound effects recorded on that. It's all still waiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Importance, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he lean down or was he just not, he hadn't spent the last 10 years in the iron paradise, you know, or was he just that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, but I, but cool. It seemed like Durst didn't, so I was kind of filling him in on the iron paradise, what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who's doing the chains now? Action Bronson's doing the chains. Everyone's doing the chains. People have been doing the chains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brushed knowledge out of my head? Yea, you might have just brushed that right out of your brain. My dude. So that's why you don't brush because you're afraid you're gonna get dumber if you brush at night. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, wow, see? You don't put it, you don't broadcast it out in the world. It's not on your IG. Yeah, what's the name? Yeah, what is it? What's the name of your jam? Kokomo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they had that one fight that like changed the Fast and Furious franchise where all of a sudden they were superheroes and breaking down like fucking parking structures and shit and it was like... Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the rock where it's like, oh this, everything has changed. They were, they fought each other hand to hand combat and it was ripping down like a, uh, like six story parking structure and just their bodies did this damage to the concrete and it was like, this is, uh, not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The car stuff is like, you know, that's, that can go there, but hand to hand combat. And the first one, it was very real. The first Fast and Furious was super real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've never seen any of them? No. That's like Kyle's favorite movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll definitely see, it's fucking grounded. It's a very grounded movie where people are just racing fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Italian, the Italian job was Mr. Wahlberg. Well, by the way, that's a remake, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a different story. They rebooted the franchise or the IP of Fast and Furious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like Dominic Toretto wasn't in it and like... That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll take a moment, what's the movie that Donald, what's the movie that Donald and his kid are in? Donald and Kiefer, aren't they in a movie together? Uh, isn't it like a Time to Kill? Aren't they in that movie at the same time? I don't know, but Donald Sutherland in Backdraft, like- Yea, Donald Sutherland fucking rocks, dude. I'll take a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, that's what I'm talking about. They were both in a movie together. Can you imagine if you had a kid and you're like acting with your kid? For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately, I don't have a frame of reference. What is this? I'd like to know. He tackled a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. You know what? I'll probably take it back at the end of the episode until I figure this out. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, you can just do different, I mean there was a time when you had the director's cut and then the actual cut, it's just coming back to that now. That's true, I didn't think of that. But now he's doing what, it's a four hours cut and fucking, it's just like, I don't know man. People are fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's definitely, the director's cut was like two hours and twenty minutes or something like that and the thing ended up being one hour and thirty, one hour and forty minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing man, Canada's borders are really fucked like, like, dude, I mean Marisa couldn't get in because she had an old ass DUI, you know what I mean? Like, it was like, you just, they were like, no!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, it's 10 years. So that was the whole thing is it's like after 10 years of the DUI, they were like, it's all good. You can come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the problem was is it's 10 years after you've done the time for the crime. So it ends up being like, you know, after you pay all your fees and do all the classes and get it off your record in the first place. So then it's like 14 years or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no excuses. Uhm. Do they call DUIs also wet and reckless in some states? Have you guys heard that? Oh, and that sounds way more fun. Wet and reckless is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also crazy that none of us ever got that. Like what the fuck? How have we never gotten that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I might have did that in like, uh, like housing complexes pools, not a personal backyard pool, but you know, like the shared pools at like apartment complexes and stuff like that. I feel like I might have did it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what's up? There's no pools out there? What's going on? There's no pools in Chicago? I think I knew one person that had a pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we went to Sharkwake. You're great in the water. I love it. You taught me a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like trying to get out of certain things and like pushing boundaries and just fucking doing punk ass kid shit, dude. I deserved every single time I got rocked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm lost right now. I'm honestly lost as to what the take is here. I'm lost. Somebody help me out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The California sun feels so good, dude. So good. I missed it. It's like the northeast coast. I don't know, man. I don't know how they do those winters. It's, it's rough. It's doo-doo! We're happy to have you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, the ins and outs, right? Especially the end of an hour, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's another part where he talks about, like, women's brains being smaller, and he's like, it's, you know, it's just science stuff or something. Okay, that doesn't seem like an exact quote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's science. The most legendary frat bro of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's science. It also could have just been baby nooch. It might have been Kyle's brother. Oh, it's my bro. When we were like playing beer pong and he was like, it's science. It could have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda like to talk about getting in jail and prison abroad. That's kinda fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that was for metal. I thought that was for metal and like guns and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You turned your pockets inside out and pulled your dick through your pocket hole? No, I'm- no, I turned-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Killer look for you. So you do like a Christina, uh, what was her name? Aguilera? Kind of low rider pant where your butt crack kind of pops out the top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, sometimes, no, like the characters that I would like to be, like say, you know, like Frieza from Dragon Ball Z.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell I'm circumcised. He has a dick. He's got a rig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this is also Halloween, you know, so like, it's just things are, things go out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well if you guys want to talk about something more, uh, of the time, what about St. Patrick's Day? It's our second St. Patrick's Day in quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Pogues, yes, that's some good Irish music, I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what we would do is like boil, boil the pipes. On St. Patrick's Day. It's science.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you would just get like, yeaah, it would actually ruin whatever pot or pan you used to boil the pipes in because all of like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's the move. Fucking resin hits, dude. But yeah, man, shit, we had so many St. Patrick's days that were just... Remember when we just got like a keg for like seven friends? And it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got lucky. We rolled the dice. We got lucky. We got lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's science. Yeah, no, dang, Kyle, didn't, you like wandered through a park in Philly one night? We got, that was, what was that? Oh yeah. What was that, uhm, festival we went to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tyler said or something. Yea, somebody had a DJ set. I don't know if it was the whole team. I also think it's like, with like actors or whatever, there is some small chance that you could work with them. We knew very well this was the only time we would ever be in any vicinity of Beyonce. That's like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that is right. I was trying to remember if you were there. You totally weren't, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think his girlfriend just broke up with him. And he looked at me and was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I think his girlfriend had just broke up with him. And you sat by him and you were like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be fine. It's all gonna be okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit us with it. What do you want? A hot pearl jam song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there was a weird, uh, there was a desk chair, there was a desk chair with wheels for some reason, and we were like pushing each other, and I think I almost fell and got hurt, but that adds up with me. And that was right after you broke your back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pearljam is Jizz? Pearljam is Jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh yeah. And you're like, that's about like a girl like getting all juicy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. He does, he basically does. Come tomorrow, it will seem so yesterday, so yesterday, so yesterday, I'm just a bird that's already flown away. Lass it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because all this is happening during an era when a young man named Ludacris was busting onto the scene and if you weren't jamming to Ludacris you didn't know what the fuck was up. Loved Ludacris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! That was way up there for sure, yea. Like that was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had that whole track that was just like rhymes based off the Austin Powers movies. It was incredible. Number one spot. Kyle!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay to be me. I'd like to compliment Anders for trying to, uh, put these guys on some games, shout out some, uh, backpack rappers from the Bay, really trying to get these kids to, uh, listen to some tunes, but as you can see, they are stuck in their ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just the price you pay for being ahead of the curve, for being one of the first to be at the tech. You have to be willing to experiment, because a lot of times, shit ain't gonna catch up. We got a nice window, when things all work, then it keeps moving and evolving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I camped in Big Sur this weekend, or this year, Father's Day weekend, and god damn it's a beautiful place. So this weekend or this year? Super dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goodbye. Oh, right. Okay, great. Thank you for the redo. So yeah, you guys ever been to Big Sur?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's like cliffside. It's, it's a little freaky deaky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? What is it? Somebody give me the context of this fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is real, and I think it's like a full blown, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that I think why people are like, uh, upset at is because it's very confusing as to what's going on. It's like, like it's a, it feels like a sketch, like a funny or die sketch that is put on by lifetime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is normally not playing in the comedic world, right? Am I out of touch with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're down with satire, and that's what they're doing. Like, they had, like, Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig satirized them, so they're like, we can laugh at ourselves, and now this is the next step of what's going on. Now I fucking love it. Now it sounds like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, you think this is gonna start that? Like it's just gonna become par for the course now? For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the new campaign. This is the new commercial campaign then. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Exactly. But in the style of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had to sit in the chair for like six hours every morning and get done up like Mr. Peanut, you'd still be all about it. I would be more about it, Kyle. What would you bring to the character of Mr. Peanut, Adam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause also at that point, you're technically writing the commercial. When they're just asking for different reads and asking you to do- you're technically writing, so it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we're learning this year during COVID is like how much people, how, how, what you can get away with. Like I'm directing commercials in Korea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting on my couch in Los Angeles. I directed, I directed, I directed four NFL Apple commercials at the same time in four different cities from my couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. Okay, well, you know, this- Can we just hash this out real quick, cause I gotta know. Are they Bored Teenagers? Cause that's your brand, or are they the Border Patrol? Oooooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I all, I think for the past like 10 years I've been like, well my business is here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I don't necessarily love Los Angeles, but I love my business and I love creating and doing all that. So like, it was kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out in Calabasas, I like Malibu, I don't like LA really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Studio City was cool for a little bit, like. Stay out. Well Studio City's that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And coming from the, coming from the Midwest, it's, I mean, yes. Are you kidding me? California weather fucking rocks. And especially Southern California. It's the best. Southern California rules. You can't beat that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, if I, if I moved, if I had to make the choice to go back to the Midwest and, and bank on that, I don't think I would do it. But really, like me going five hours north, back up to the bay where I was, where I grew up is not really, it doesn't feel that different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It totally clicked and like- Everybody's sick. You know what I mean? Yeaah, the whole Zoom element with the industry just tipped it. And it was like, okay, it's undeniable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the tech thing, dude. It's like when you're forward on the tech, you're gonna fuckin', it's not gonna be all perfect. It's like, just like YouTube, they were putting that Momo thing in the children's section, and people were putting these fucked up things in the children's section, and it was like, oh. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My nephew saw Momo and was like, yeah, I know who that is. And it's like, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I know who that is. You did it perfect. You were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, that stuff, when kids were just watching YouTube, that character would come in enough to subliminally fuck with them and then go away. And that was because they weren't policing all the uploads on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pornhub is obviously not gonna be as like forthright in cleaning up their act than YouTube, so now they're just- What? Why? It's the porno industry, like they're not like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would they want that? I'm sure someone there is. I brought this up on episode one of the podcast. I remember hearing about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually kind of sad because some of those are just small business owners. You know what I mean? Like they're- And the worst part is some of them are probably legit. Right. They're probably great pornos, but I mean the small business of it all, they're no longer getting paid per click.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But all these people who got their videos taken down, they just have to prove that everyone was consensual and of age, and then they can put them right back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I took a leap right there. I see, I know what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what you're saying, I'm just, I just am wondering, I don't know, I don't know, I took a leap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you have to, right. So, cause you can't charge cause there's only one port. They still only have one port?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's so wackadoodle, man. What's up with that shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you ride it, ride to the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what are they gonna do then? They're gonna cut it and then put a commercial in and then make it seem like it was the last time or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this breaking your brain? I just don't, I guess I don't understand how podcasts work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just keep it going. You guys, I'm sure it'll be great. Oh, thank you for blessing us with talking about whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's probably seems about right with your character. Took cake for granted, man, but cake always was going the distance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way, way more accessible. But Primus didn't fuck with horns. That's why I'm like, they're like, ska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sacramento dude, they're NorCal, they're NorCal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well wait, Blake, why do you think you just don't, you just don't, you can't, they don't go? They don't go as hard as you would expect them to go now? They don't go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he just said you could get a tat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's like a story of a race car. It's like so like out there and strange. If that's a cover I will be blown away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, who owned it? I don't know if it was a Coca Cola company or what not. I don't know the inner workings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I thought the other day you fucking nailed it. Like I was like, oh, this is the influencer. This is the fitness influencer that I'm following. Is the guy who's out there in the streets. Because he went a little hard on the burgers and the beers. Yeaah, had a big weekend. I thought that angle...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is just a little thought for me. I thought that angle was very good, very universal, and I feel like it's something you should run with, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're not gonna- I don't run, I have bad knees. Well, you should, uh, go with, but like, but you know, you're not gonna be those influencers that just have like a ton of fucking no body fat, you know? They're just like muscle. You're not, you're a comedy guy first and foremost, so play to your strength, Playboy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think that's exactly the type of guy that I want to follow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you're, I think you're right as you chug coffee. I think you're right in the wheelhouse of a very physically fit human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. Pyramids. It is. They knew what they were doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just always feels like when he's doing like his Sonic Highways and stuff that he's just so happy to be in the craft that he's in and he's been given a gift with every moment he gets to play music and experience music. And I just think that that is, I know you're not complimenting my attitude, you're complimenting my looks, but I'm kind of taking it as a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Complimentary towards my attitude. And yeaah, you can take it however you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I hope to always have that attitude towards Minecraft of filmmaking. Yeah, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, I know, I've heard it all before from that fucking asshole. He's a real prick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you know, I'm just happy that, you know, you guys are my old roommates and my best, my current best friends. And you were there to not, you wouldn't say that to me. You would not ever. Not from your own mouth or your own mind. No, no, no. No, no. Absolutely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Adam, but I have not, it's not since third grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Durs is classically going after that kind of stuff, going after your intellect, because he thinks that you are not well read, and you are not, uh, you do not know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. Well, I already- Did I fuck him or did I marry him? I can't- No, I fucked you, I married- Yeah, I wanna marry him, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I deserve to be more drunk. I wish I was like six. I wish I was double the amount of drinks. Deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well Kyle's internet is, what is it doing Kyle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we all know that classic internet term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chunking over each other. We're chunking a little bit. I feel a little chunky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Especially this holiday season, I'm feeling chonky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know what, I was afraid to do a pre and post, like that day. Cause remember when I would visit you, Kyle, I would gain like 10 plus pounds, uh, over Thanksgiving. We would do our weigh-ins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was afraid to do The Way In, just by myself, because now I'm, when I was doing it with Kyle, I'm what, 23, 24 years old? Right. It's fun, it's, it's funny. That's a young man chunk. You can put on the chunk, then you can easily lose the chunk. Now I'm afraid, this boy's not losing the chunk. This boy has turned into a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boys to men, and I won't be able to lose the trunk. So I just weighed myself this morning, and I am up just a couple LBs, like almost three LBs. That's not bad, I can lose that LBs, but I didn't weigh in the day of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also just don't be a fucking lazy ass, dude. That's if you eat and then you just never work out, you never do anything, you're not active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm body dysmorphia. Yeah. Dude, I'm fitness inspo, uh, on Instagram. That's my new thing. I'm kind of leaning. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm leaning into that. Yeah, I'm kind of, uh, gonna be basically, uh, poor man's the rock. If you, like, aren't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be a lot of like how to work out. I don't have a sick gym. I actually have a pretty wack ass garage that I work out in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and uhm, that's, that's sort of my life. So if you're sick of The Rock and his dope-ass gym...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And him like saying I don't got time to bleed and all kinds of cool catchphrases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're sick of that, come over to me. I have minimal catchphrases, I don't really know what I'm doing, and I'm just copying other people's workouts that I find online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diarrhea. Did you hear that? Cause you sound like diarrhea. Diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the high pitched one, the dance party diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know where you got that clip from and then I was, uh, watching TV with the whole fam the other day and, uh, my dad hears, uh, the Petro-Bismo diarrhea and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should have been for as much flack, as much fucking aflac I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I deserve to be more drunk. I wish I was like six. I wish I was double the amount of drinks. Deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like on a jewelry commercial or anything. I've never heard of that. No, I think that's a ridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, why even, I'm, I told you, you're having a sober November, or sorry, December.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then why even drink the NA beers? Cause those are gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like they all are pretty pointless to drink if they're not getting you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're not at par- there he is. Pretty much. There's my little chunker. Welcome back, guy. Kyle, let's ask this sober friend, Kyle. Yep. Uh, do you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were first saying, you know what? I'm done drinking. I'm not going to drink anymore. Did you drink any beers or were you like, those are gross?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this for Blake? Are you just trying to, you're tired of, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm trying to be a fit, uh, give fitness inspo to the people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders, what are you trying to do? You're just still being a basic ass regular actor in TV and movies? Whack. Come on, what's your 2021 vibe? I'm a non-alcoholic. Fuckin' diversify, man. We already have a podcast. We're already branching out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pause. I did, my parents just visited and man, we drank a lot. Those folks, they've been living at Lake of the Ozarks now for a couple years and they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just going for it. Their level of, their level of going for it as at, as full steam ahead. And my parents didn't drink a lot when I was growing up. My dad actually didn't drink, uh, for like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From like when I was seven or eight till I graduated high school and then he started drinking again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And then now he's like back on it. Which I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what sucks is my dad's like, ah, son of a bitch. God damn it. Because he.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't like streaming. He doesn't like not just being able to flip through the channels. Wow. He's like, he's a surfer. Every time he'd like go to grab the thing and like go to turn it and then it would just come back to the main screen. Right. Yeah. And he's like, ah, son of a bitch. Cause he's pissed now cause he wants to watch all the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although he's the one that turned it on, he was like, never seen this show. And I'm like, well, why are we watching it then? He goes, cause it looks stupid as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, okay, well, it seems like you wouldn't have turned it on if you hadn't watched it. And then he was like, guessing who it is. He's like, really invested. I'm like, it seems like you watch it. He's like, I might've seen it a couple of times, but it's dumb as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, yeaah, and I understand that reference. What does that mean exactly for the listener who doesn't-


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[Assistant] Well, some of them are, and some of them are our age. Some of them are knockin' on 40. That have, uh, children, and, and, and families, and, uh. Well, they still gotta listen to Mask Off by Future, come on. Well, some of them do.


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[Assistant] And some of them don't, so it is a song by Future, Mask Off.


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[Assistant] I don't even know who- Uterus? I know who he is, I couldn't tell you what he looks like or what.


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[Assistant] Oh, he's like tall as hell, right? He's like 6'8 or something.


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[Assistant] And like two other, uh, Ludacris, I shared a room with Ludacris and uh, like our green room was the same room and he was getting his hair cut and he's like, anything you want to listen to Adam?


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[Assistant] And he, uh, and then I go, oh, anything by word of mouth.


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[Assistant] No, but I remember when me and Blake were at the game, the slam dunk contest, and Migos had just won like the celebrity MVP and the celebrity all-star game.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it is three people. That's right. Quavo. And I go, uh...


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[Assistant] Yo, so you won the trophy, huh? And he was holding it and he's like, yeah, man. And I'm like, where are you going to keep that trophy?


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[Assistant] And I'm like, oh, okay, so you got a shelf or something? Like really trying to get a conversation going. And he goes, yeah, man, I got a shelf.


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[Assistant] I hope he was, I also kinda think he was probably really nervous to talk to Blake and me. He was like, oh shit. Yeah, superstar strut. He was like, it's the guy with the hair. The guy with the hair, the short one that was just dancing with Queen Latifah. Uh oh, nervous.


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[Assistant] I cannot say, I cannot say if I'm a mass singer, if I sing with masks on or off.


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[Assistant] I don't know if Robin Thicke does, but someone over there does.


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[Assistant] Yeah, hey, hey, and that's on you. And that's fine. That's totally fine.


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[Assistant] How are you, how are you doing with the podcast, Kyle? Cause my mom is really worried about you. After last week, I kinda told her, uh, you know, about the podcast and, and she had listened to a few episodes and she thinks we're giving it a little too hard to ya. So, uh, I'm gonna take Penny's advice and, uh, I, you know, I'm gonna be nice as fuck to you from now on. At least during this podcast.


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[Assistant] Yeah. That is, yeah, that's absolutely true. The fans, the fans need it. And the aruguloids, I feel like they also like it. They're like, you know what, I like salads, but also I'm getting a kick out of this too, so.


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[Assistant] That's actually really crazy. If she doesn't have a podcast, was she even an entertainer? That's what I'm saying. Yeaah. I mean, at this point...


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[Assistant] She's for, like, even though she looks...


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[Assistant] Even when she's younger, she still looks like she's your grandmother, just because of that style and hairdo. Uh, but kind of a babe, babe-grandmother, right? Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Oh, okay, yeah, this woman, this woman's pretty, for sure. Uh, my, my, my old time lady was, uh, Mary Tyler Moore. That was my, that was my speed.


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[Assistant] It's also weird because I, my mom would get that she looks like Mary Tyler Moore kind of a lot, like when we're out and about. Yeah, that is weird. Yeah. But, but I wasn't like jerking off like this creep. I was a child. I'm like eight years old and I'm going, uh, yeah.


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[Assistant] And I'm going like, oh yea, that woman's pretty, like my mom's pretty. I bet you'd take care of me and give me food. I bet you'd love and appreciate me the way my mom does. I'm married to Tyler Moore


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[Assistant] I do look like Sean Astin, but I don't know who Patti Dukas. I just looked her up. It's your mom. She's a pretty woman. But I'm talking about Mary-


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[Assistant] Yeah, to take my boat to Catalina and fuck me on the boat.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Who was the guy, who was the one, the dude in one of those old shows like Hogan's Heroes or something where he was like a, like a total porn addict, or not a porn addict, he was like addicted to fucking and him and his buddy would like film each other and make their own homemade pornos and then he got murdered?


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, she's so hot. She's the star. Yeah, but also, League of their own, she was a babe, dude. She's the star of the movie. She's a super hot babe.


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[Assistant] He was in, in the army now. She was roller skating, uh, or she was uh, sorry, uh, skateboarding barefoot down the street in Venice holding a bottle of red wine.


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[Assistant] No, she was skateboarding, man. God damn it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the bone structure on that. We were talking about like, and also Gina Davis is a little old. We're talking about women that are now in their 70s or 80s.


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[Assistant] That's true, you can do it all in one stroke. Admittedly, Dad would be pretty salty on that, yeaah. He'll break his heart.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know Kyle's just saying, oh yeah, I know, I know it because he's a director, so he has to pretend he's seen films.


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[Assistant] No, the golden age was in 1994 when Jim Carrey came out with, uh, Ace Ventura, Mask, and Dumb and Dumber on the same year. That was the golden age. You get me, Hollywood historians.


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[Assistant] Hey, Kyle, how often when you go into a meeting and someone references, uh, because you're, you're not very well studied when it comes to knowing, uh, movies.


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[Assistant] Hey, no, no, no, he's seen 10 movies. But go ahead. He's seen 10 movies. Uh, how often does someone like a producer or something


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[Assistant] Uh, say like, oh, a deep cut movie and you are like, cause I do it sometimes, but I'm sure as a director, it happens to you so much more where they're like, oh yeah. And you remember this film from like.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah, yeah, cause that's what I do. I, for sure. I lie almost. I almost say 80% of the time, 20%. I'll go like, you know what? I don't, I don't know that one, but most of the time, more than most of the time, I will go like,


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[Assistant] Sure, in case, in case they have a follow-up, uh, question and they're like, so what did you think of this plot device? Were they, and then you have to be like, Yeah, I gotta know it. I can kind of- Oh, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but from Mortal Kombat the movie. Exactly.


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[Assistant] I would say that specifically from you, where people being like, yo dude, I'm Blake's homie.


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[Assistant] And, uh, and then I have to, well this is in the before times when I actually would go out places and see people that I wanted to know. But, uh, I would always get people to be like, yo!


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[Assistant] I'm, I'm homies with your friend Blake, man. And then I have to like have a conversation with them for like 10 minutes. And then, and then I kind of put in it together, like, oh, he doesn't really know Blake. He like was at a bar once with him.


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[Assistant] And uh, for some reason they feel like they have a connection with you that then they go like, hey we're really good friends. The next time I see one of these guys I have to let them know that, that you two are good friends.


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[Assistant] I watched that movie, I remember I got, when I was doing, I used, when I was a kid, I would do voices on the radio and get free tickets to movie premieres and like concerts and shit, and they gave me and my dad a ticket to go see the Big Lebowski, but I'm in like,


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[Assistant] Seventh grade? Six, seventh grade? So, it was way over my head. I remember just leaving going like, I don't know what the fuck I just watched. And it wasn't until I watched it when I was like, 19 or whatever that I was like, oh, it was actually great.


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[Assistant] Soundtrack's bangers, dude. Flee's in it. So what's your next one, KaiGuy?


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[Assistant] Walberg's cock in that one shot, right? Mhm, the donkey dick? Yeaah, that's really good.


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[Assistant] Where do you stand, Kyle, on the first 45 minutes of Blow? The greatest movie of all time. The greatest first 45 minutes of all time.


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[Assistant] So I would just, I'd be in the living rooms about to go to bed and I'd just put it on and watch the first 45 minutes as I'm falling asleep and then turn it off.


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[Assistant] No, I like the latter half too, but I'm like, I'm not trying to go to bed being like, oh, this poor guy lost everything. I'm just trying to go to bed being like, ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.


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[Assistant] Funny how life changes. Nah, I've seen it, I've seen it, and I get it, and I get it. The thing is, deal weed, not cocaine. The best part of the whole movie is...


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[Assistant] And then bust his ass? Aw man, I was so mad at her. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well, you know how they're like turning every movie, Hollywood's turning every movie on its head and like making the, the women be the leads now?


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[Assistant] I want to be the main candy queen. I want to be like, I want to play like the coked up wild man husband who is she's making all the money. And you're like, I can't, I can't control this hot piece of ass. That's what my wife is saying. My wife is going like, I can't control this hot piece of ass. I I'm only keeping around because of his.


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[Assistant] I just wanna go home. Dude, those scenes. Exactly. That's, that's the, those are the roles I'm trying to get right now. That's why I'm working out my fitness, trying to be a fitness inspo.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, it's 2020 now, and this is my year of health, that I'm getting my body and mind in great shape, so when 2021 hits, and that man candy roll is up for grabs, it'll be me and all the hot boys, me, the Hensworths. Michael B. Jordan. All the Chris's. Hey, hey, can I tell you something?


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[Assistant] Okay. Alright. Yeah. Yeah, Dersie's been, Dersie's been hot man candy. He's always sitting around, he's always like cutting up carrots and shit by the, by the sink. That's his hot boy role.