[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He smokes a lot of weed. That's what they, that's what they do. He just smokes. Do you think he like washes his cloak ever or like, do you think he takes it off and hangs it up and he's just like stark naked underneath and just walks around his house like no clothes on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never get that insight into Gandalf, like what does he do? He's just like, you know, does he just have one of those depressing, like one room apartments where like the only light is the TV and it's an infomercial and he's just like drinking a bottle of whiskey. Yeah, you know, he's got like pieces of microwave dinner stuck in his beard or whatever, like who knows, you know, you never get that insight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you cannot imagine that. You can't even imagine him pissing in a lake. I can imagine Ian McKellen doing it. You can imagine a hobbit, like, just, you know, ripping into a lake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would need one for sure. Even somebody who's immortal needs a place to just like, put their feet up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's like, that's all the rage now, like that's how toys work now. Remember when we were kids, you went to the, you know, like uhm, we had packs of cards and stickers, remember? Sticker books? Yes. You'd buy a pack of stickers, and you'd get like 10 stickers, and you'd often get doubles, and occasionally get like a hologram or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but now they've, they've, they've sort of moved on, uh, past that. They still do those, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now they do that with toys. So collectible toys. And they do them in series as well, which is even more of a money spinner. So like, for instance. You're so fucking right. Duncan buys all of these Dota 2, like, collectible toys. And you don't know which one you're getting. You buy the box and you open it and you're like, oh sweet, I got a golden fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Queen of Pain you're thinking of there. Sorry, sorry, yeah. So, but like with kids' toys, it's the same now. You can get these little Lego figurines, like Disney Lego figurines. It's like, Series 1! Try to collect Pluto and Mickey and Donald and whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna do an achievement rant now, aren't you? For World of Warcraft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what about the people that died though, like Mr. Echo and like Walt and Michael, they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had to press the button and stuff and then the polar bear comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's partly that, but I think as well, Lost and Heroes. Remember Heroes started off pretty good, uhm, if you, if you ever watched that, the first like season or two of Heroes was like, was pretty good, and then it, it got pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lost was the same, like, you know, the first couple of seasons were really good, and then it started getting really bad, and- Now listen- It's, it's like symptomatic of, of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first couple of seasons and like, certainly like the pilots and stuff, the original team that writes the show are involved and they control the show, right? And the show is really good at that point because the original team that wrote it know what they're doing, know how they want to take it forward and stuff. But then what happens is the networks start to get involved because of ratings. So they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, this episode came out and the ratings are much lower than, you know, this episode which aired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like best memories I have of being a kid in a good way. It was one of the clearest memories I have of being a kid of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine Deanna Trucks, cause nobody's really sure of what her job on the enterprise is. Imagine her job turns out, and she like, and she totally embraces this, is they set up a mud wrestling pit on the bridge, right? And her only job is to just get in there and mud wrestle herself all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I saw him in public, I'd be like, that guy is up to something for sure. He is pissed off. Stomping around like there's no tomorrow, jeez. Man, I fucking love the idea of a cape. Yeah. I was just, yeah, a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Medieval dandy. He would. I think like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, you could wear one and cause sometimes convincing everybody that you're insane and a bit of a write off is like a good tactic, right? Like there's that, there's that, that mafia, um, boss in New York who used to walk around in a bathrobe and slippers and everybody thought he was insane and not capable of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like all ruthless, but like his, his ruse was that he would parade around acting insane. So everybody just like thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not him. It's going to be somebody else or whatever. Cool, eh? Yeah, that's a great idea. So you could do that with a cape. You could, you could be the same. Like, I'm not hiding in plain sight. I'm not saying like run the mafia, but like, you know, you could maybe get up to no good on the side and nobody will suspect you with that cape. Who's to say I don't already run the mafia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you could be like in Orange is the New, in the, Orange is the New Black. You remember the woman? Is it like, is it Suzanne or Susan? The one that writes, she, she writes that, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So have you smelled any flowers this week? Have you, have you changed any nappies this week that are crucial to our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Man, I've been through a lot of bonus in my life. Yea, a lot of bonus. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very well. We did have a, we did try and make a go-kart and we pushed it down my driveway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're kind of just expecting bad stuff to happen, okay, and so they had a photocopier, and someone took a lot of, like, photocopies of their ass, and, and sack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and someone took a little photocopies of it, they were like, just stuck everywhere, and then, like, people just, aw man, it was like people made ass prints on the windows and stuff, and so like, it was almost like stuff like, you clean up after the house passing, you're like, hey man, I've cleaned everything up, and then, one day there's like a foggy day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a girl, uhm, I rode the bus to school with a friend who was a girl, and we were friends for a long time. And one of her friends, she invited her out to a local... How old are you at this point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go to the pub, right, and the pub, they know me, okay, because I know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, uh, so I'm like, I'm like pretty... Anyway, she's about, I'd say five inches taller than me, so I wasn't sure. I'd get, I'd get in there. Okay? Did she have big boobies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all the old men in the pub, everyone else in the pub is just totally aware of this happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, were you that, were you, were you really able to just blag that many, many ladies? Really? You guys say that you were like players, that, you know. I never fucking said that. I had so much opportunities. They were players, but if they knew what they knew now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at a creepy village hall party in my local village with all the mums and dads and uncles and aunties. It was very, that's no good. Sounds pretty creepy. Very shit. Yeah. It's a depressing name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a local pyromaniac. Yeah, we had plenty of those. One of my friends ordered a bunch of industrial fireworks one time and just- Industrial fireworks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like a keg of beer, you know, they're like a gigantic barrel and you sort of just put it in your garden, which is, you know, not very big anyway, and you light it and you think, oh, this will be fine. And then as soon as it starts going off, you'll run inside as it sort of sets your entire back garden on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we went, uh, to Bas, on Bastille day, of course, it's firework day in, um, France. And we went to one of their teachers. They were like, we know where, we know where the teacher lives. Let's go to his house. They'd put dynamite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the one thing you were supposed to do. Do not leave the bridge. Nooo. Oh god. Okay, anyway. So by extension, we have saved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, shut up. When that box arrives, you're like, oh, what's in this box? Every single time. When I was 12 years old, yeah. Now that I'm 36, no. Come on, dad. Lighten the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Da-dum-da-dum walking by like, I gotta pick up my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi everybody, welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. Here we are once again, this time striving to not talk about depressing shit like we did last time, because that was the worst. Oh, it wasn't too bad actually, last time. Yeah, once it was heavily edited, it was perfect. They had to edit an hour of footage out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we're just so, we're just so good and interesting and funny that we don't need to edit anything out. In actual fact, if only we could record for longer, because then you'd get more gold, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think most things can be milked if, um, if they're mammals. Yeah, I agree. It's like Ben Stiller famously said that anything can be milked. So yeah, you can milk a goose for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a lot of those actually, like throughout, throughout the eighties, you had lots of different sort of forms of that. Like we had one in Canada called


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mean machines. And there was like a whole jingle to it and everything. It was basically a public service announcement saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't go fucking sledding into a snowblower, basically, or, you know, watch out for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, like the, like the, the salt truck that, you know, puts salt all over the icy roads or whatever because they're mean machines and they can hurt you. But they always had like a, a kid smiling, like missing a leg or something. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've mentioned this before elsewhere, I think. I think it was like in, in a let's play a bit or something, but I went off on some big tangent about it, but we used to get, we used to have public service announcements as well for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, fridges, like old, old fridges. You know the old fridges that had like a, like a click lock on them? Yea, yea. Like a big heavy metal class speaker. Yea, it was those really old style, like fallout style fridges, but they click locked, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were inside the fridge, you couldn't get out if it click locked. A lot of kids, uh, got into fridges. So you had to open it from the outside. Yeah. So what they were saying was like, if you're playing in the dump, kids,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, fairly often they would just find dead kids in fridges in the dump. And god knows how they got there, what they were doing, but yeaah, they were like pretty dangerous actually. So we used to have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It used to terrify the shit out of us, like, you'd just be watching cartoons on a Saturday morning, and it'd be like, don't end up like Jimmy. Jimmy was stuck inside a fridge for 12 hours, and then he slowly suffocated, and then you'd, like, the music's like, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a suction seal thing now, yeaah. Because when you open the fridge, you always get that like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can feel like the pull of it, you know? It's like a, it's like a vacuum. It's like a vacuum suction now. It's clever. God, we've come so far. I mean, jeez. Hundreds of children. Hundreds of children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your old, your old grand pap pap from like 1910 or whatever, if he's still alive now. You're like, you know what, we didn't have the flying cars, grand pap pap, and I thought we would, and I'm sorry about that, but fucking suction fridges, man, holy shit. What do you think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what it was like. Everything was like a big rite of passage back then, wasn't it? It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring it back. Those were the days. That's weird. It's a weird mentality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, your joke about whooping cough, but have you ever seen a baby that's suffering with whooping cough? It's like, it's pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's bad. It's non-stop as well. It's like incessant. Just imagine never being able to stop coughing. It's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like right to the fucking point, like they didn't even beat around the bush at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird though, isn't it? Cause like, like nowadays, you know, you know, shows that are on TV, like, I don't know if you guys watch any of this shit, like Casualty or Holby City or whatever. And it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It shows in pretty gruesome details sometimes, you know, the kind of shit that can happen or whatever, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It still doesn't seem somehow as bad as Rescue 911. Do you ever remember watching that show? Like in the 80s and 90s? Nah. Like William, I think William Shatner hosted it. Nah. It was like after, like long after Star Trek sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, it was one of those shows where it was, it was, it was always like a, like a dramatic recreation of something that's happened. So it wasn't like live footage or whatever. And it's like recounting these stories of how the 911 emergency services helped somebody, that sort of thing. It's called Rescue 911.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was always like crazy shit, like somebody falling through ice in a lake and stuff or like somebody getting hit by lightning and, and I don't know what it was, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dramatic reenactment was somehow worse than just seeing live footage of the stuff happening. Like it's just, it was, it was awful. It was just like such a, it was one of those shows that you just sometimes would watch and then you wouldn't be able to sleep sort of thing. Or at least I found that was the case. And Unsolved Mysteries as well. Fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that was such a creepy show. Holy shit. I don't remember that. I guess they're like really American. Unsolved mysteries though. See if you can find like even the intro for unsolved mysteries. It's got that really creepy guy. I'm not sure what his name is, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little Billy was abducted and we haven't seen him since and it was always this dramatic recreation of Billy like going to the bus stop with his friends and nobody ever seeing him again and stuff and the music was all chilling and aww fuck it was the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're aware of the clown killer thing and uh, we ask you as parents not to talk about it in front of your kids because clowns are seen as an enjoyable part of your childhood and we don't want to associate them as killers. No they're not! That's a lie!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're the worst. How come there are still clowns to this day? Like, have we not learned like time and time again that clowns are- If you're a clown, you might as well-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a whole bunch of like, of like, um, you know, like dad's army and there were a bunch of comedies around that time. Like what was the other one? What was the one where they all had friends? It was the classic. Yeah, that one. That one's like the classic one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be funny and stuff, but maybe not in the 90s, cause like those, those were older shows, right? Like it was like 70s and 80s sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, uh, so now what? You just stood around like outside and just didn't really have much left to say because that was like the big sort of like, see you later, I gotta catch my bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck. You should get some punch cards for the office, Lewis. That'd be hilarious. What's a punch card?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, people would, people would look at the punch card to see whether you were late or not, right? Yeah. And if you were late, you'd gotten...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got like a verbal warning if you were too late, like, you know, consistently late or whatever. But then another thing that used to happen, and I guess it's kind of the same as like in video games nowadays, like I'm playing a lot of Overwatch and there's a lot of emphasis on, you know, looking at people's stats and stuff, right? And like, you know, people get ranks and stars for ranks and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Similar to all of that sort of, uhm, information. We used to look at other people's punch cards to see like how much they worked that week. And some people's punch cards were just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of saying, holy shit, this person has worked a lot this week. And then there was like the people on the other side who would just punch in and out like every time they farted sort of thing. Like for no reason. Like they're just like, they would punch in and out just to go on a bathroom break or whatever. So like we'd make fun of those people. Yeah. Because they didn't actually work that much that week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just like to punch in and out all the time for some reason. But then like some people you'd look at their punch cards like, Oh my god, he worked for like eight hours straight without a break and stuff. It's like the dumbest shit ever. It was so funny though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but now they've got phones, they've got Facebook, there's like social media and stuff. Like most kids, I don't think do that anymore. Like we used to, we used to, we used to try to like phone each other on the phone, but like there was like a cutoff time in the evening where your parents were like, oh no more phone tonight and no more TV either and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it'll be like, no Facebook after 11pm, Cindy, okay? We don't want you getting groomed on there at 11pm, for Christ's sake. If you're gonna get groomed, do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Early in the morning, sometimes before you went to school or whatever, nowadays, like, you don't expect anybody coming around your house, like, early, early in the morning. But, like, back then, you'd have people, like, knocking on your door every once in a while saying, like, uh, my mom sent me over, can we borrow some sugar, or can we borrow a bag of milk, or whatever, like, people used to, like, trade household goods all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, like, in the suburbs, like, there's convenience stores and stuff, but they're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't get it, but I don't even know how they, like how it makes like financial sense for them to have a store open all night and pay people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I fucking, what about a buffet though? I love a buffet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, it's like a staple from my childhood. I remember it always being like this big thing, like, oh, we're gonna go have Chinese food buffet tonight. Fuck, I'm not eating all day!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm full and then five minutes later after you leave the restaurant, I'm fucking starving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They fucking branched out big time too because I remember like we used to go to a couple and we went to this one that was huge like it can literally seat like a thousand people and like the buffet thing was like not just a line it was like like like a horseshoe shape it went all around like this whole restaurant it was fucking huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, it wasn't just Chinese food, they had like pizza, they had fries, like they had hot dogs and like burgers and ice cream and stuff and it was like, woah, it was pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, and the thing with chips is like, you can have it with any, and they're so good. Like I can eat chips just for every meal for the rest of my life. Holy shit, they're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me. Oh, it's you. I fucking love you. Do you actually get chips? Sometimes I'll just get a plate, just to start with, I'll just get like a full plate of just chips and just be like, oh yeah, it's great. And then I'll go up and get like other stuff after. Man, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, one of my friends when we were growing up, it was weird because like his mom and dad


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they fully divorced until like much later on, but they separated anyway. And the dad went and lived in an apartment downtown and then his mom still had like the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the suburbs, he had like a brother and a sister as well. So there's like three kids and this mom living and then so the dad would come down on the weekends and pick them up and they'd go to like his apartment or whatever for the weekend sometimes and stuff. And, um, and everybody loved this guy's dad, right? Because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would fuckin', sometimes like, if you were lucky enough, you'd get to go like, uh, with, with this guy to his dad's apartment for the weekend, and it was like, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you got to go there, you stayed up all weekend playing Nintendo, and his big thing was he would take you to McDonald's drive-thru, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he wouldn't take orders or anything. He would just buy like 40 99 cent cheeseburgers and hamburgers. Like just a mountain of these things. And that's all you would eat all weekend. It's just like these fucking disgusting McDonald's cheeseburgers. And, but it was amazing. Oh, it was, it was the best. It was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's it. He would rent Nintendo games, we would stay up all fucking weekend playing Nintendo games, and we'd just have a mountain of cheeseburgers, and we were done. That was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were kids we had uhm, cause like, we've been going to a lot of kids parties recently cause my son's like in reception. Right, right. Like, like basically all day kindergarten. Let me just interrupt you for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we do, yeah, we do, yeah. Often. And I spend a lot of time sitting around thinking of ways to get out of them. Like this morning, we had like a half hour powwow trying to think of how we're going to get out of one this Saturday. Cause it's just like, oh fuck, I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every weekend for the past like three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids parties now are crazy. There's a big industry built up around this stuff now. When I was a kid, it wasn't so much the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. We used to go to this specific McDonald's when I was a kid and it had outside of the restaurant, it had like this, this old like train. Okay. But it was like all McDonald's themed and everything. And so in the actual caboose of the train, it was like a party room for, for, for kids parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get to eat all this fucking McDonald's, and Ronald McDonald himself would like come in and be like waaaay, do his fucking little thing or whatever. And it was, it was cool. Like it was like a really fun party to go to. Like the first like one or two times you did it, but everybody had their fucking party there. So after you've been there a million times, you fucking hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a big play area, like a glorified inside a train play area, so it had like these sliding poles, you could go up a level and slide down these poles, fireman style and stuff, and it was like pretty cool, but like, nowadays, parties are crazy, like they have all these padded climbing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jungle gym things and, and the amount of food that they bring out for like, for like a four year old kid, like you're talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like American restaurant portions, you know, like just like a mountain of fries with like all this fried fucking chicken and all this shit. And you're just like, Oh my God. And there's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 30 screaming kids all like stuffing their faces with this stuff and drinking juice and mixing juice with ice cream and oh my god it's, it's chaos. It's fucking pandemonium. Probably pretty fun if you're four though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comes out, like they just finished eating cake and everything and they had like another 20 minutes on the jungle gym before the party was done, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, they had cake and ice cream and there was all this shit happening. Like kids were fucking putting like globs of ice cream into like their juice and mixing it up and it was really gross. And they were doing cake, putting cake in as well. They were like feral. They were like fucking feral, okay. They're having all this shit. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go and sit down and my son goes back on the jungle gym or whatever and I'm like alright 20 more minutes and get out of here. And then this kid just comes out of nowhere and he's like with his little sister and he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, he goes to the table and he picks up one of those sugar pouches, you know, like the, you know, like the, the ones that you just open up and put in like a coffee or a tea or whatever? He grabs one, he's like, watch this, we're gonna go crazy. Opens it up and just fucking pounds it back, like just this whole packet of sugar. Takes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck it, oh, holy shit, that's amazing. You have to come over and you have to accompany me to one of these things. Don't fucking do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puking on you, trying to shit on you as well, they do that. Woah, what the fuck. One kid there, I think, had a history of pissing on a cat one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine, imagine hell. Hell isn't, hell isn't like what people think. It's not underground with pools of lava and fire and stuff. It's, it's your worst possible situation you could ever imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Son, you're young. You're young and you don't understand. But let daddy tell you something. That Johnny, he's a cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I care fucking less about shit that's happening, like, in those terms, but I'm sitting there watching this other kid try to get into the map team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this kid is just like about to have like one of the most like traumatic experiences of his childhood cause he can't get onto this map team with these other kids. It's tragic. It's tragic. They're really brutal to each other. They are. They are very, very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just with kids, you never know what's going to come out of them and where. That's all I'm going to say. Like pissing on a cat. Not in a million years would you imagine that that is a scenario you'd have to deal with. But for some people it's very real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why, that's why boarding school exists. Because I think when you get past all that, you're like, you know what, I'm done. You, you, you need to be away from me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There would have to be an intense period of reform in my child's life, I think. Beatings. Beatings. I don't know, you're not allowed, but you know, you should be. Yea, you should. In certain cases.


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[Assistant] That's a bit too much. I think it's one thing to look after your own kids is a hard job. Man, I would never willingly walk into a position where I had to look after other people's fucking kids. Like, holy shit, kill me. Like, just fucking kill me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody said, I'm gonna give you a million dollars, but you have to look after these five kids for a period of time until they're older or whatever, I'd say, ah, I'm fine. Thanks. I would legit, I would turn down a million dollars to look after like five kids. Fuck that. It would be awful. Jesus.


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[Assistant] It's hard for dads nowadays too, cause you gotta get involved now. Like, back in like the 30s and 40s, you didn't fucking have to do shit. Like, it was enough, you went off and you worked at the stapler factory or whatever, and you came home at 5 o'clock and you had your fucking shirt and tie on and you took your shoes off and you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put your feet up and, you know, the kids would already be in bed.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, we got such a bad name. We did. From all that. Fucking assholes, they ruined it. We're living, we're living with the consequences now. We are. Oh shit.


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[Assistant] Anyway, on a lighter note, uhm, I know, I know, but there's one thing that we've decided, I think I can share this, right, collectively we decided that when we talk about video games together, it's like a trigger for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depressing talk, right? And one thing we said last week was, let's try to keep things a bit upbeat. Let's not try to like talk about depressing shit, okay? And maybe a way to avoid that is by saying, opening up every once in a while on the podcast saying, what have you been up to recently? Because it's like,


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[Assistant] Straight away we'll start talking about video games. Right, right. And then we'll start talking about depressing shit or whatever. But on a lighthearted note, I have been up to something this week. What have you been doing? And I would like, I would like to announce to you that I installed a clothes error in my backyard.


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[Assistant] And all I had to do was just drive this gigantic fucking piece of metal into the ground that has a hole in it and then pop in the clothesline thing and boom. You can just fucking, you know what's great about it though? You just, you watch it close.


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[Assistant] Oh, it spins. Yea, it spins. The wind can spin it around too, so it's like, uh, it's like an outdoor tumble dryer, basically. Beautiful. Once the wind gets it, yea. So this thing is up, you wash your clothes, you put them out there, and you know what? You don't feel like bringing them in for a couple days? Who fucking cares? It rains?


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[Assistant] It's just rain, who cares. Don't dry again. Don't dry again. Yeah. Yeah. And then you don't have mountains of clothes in the house or anything, but your backyard looks like a circus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so this, this piece of metal that I had to drive into the ground was like about two feet long, right? And uhm, we had to like get this big block of wood, and a sledgehammer, put the block of wood on top of this metal


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's like, it's like a gigantic spike with like a hole in the middle for like the clothesline to go into. Is it called a spigot or something like that? I don't know. Something like that, yeaah, it's huge anyway. So we get this big block of wood, like I did this with my, with my father-in-law.


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[Assistant] He brings over this big block of wood and sledgehammer and he's like, alright, you hold the wood and I'll slam it down, okay? And it wasn't just like one slam and it was in. It was like ten minutes of, you know, repeated slamming this thing into the ground.


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[Assistant] And my god, holding a block of wood that's being hit by a sledgehammer really fucking hurts, actually. Like my fingers are still sore. The vibrations and shit, yeah. It's really bad, yeah.


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[Assistant] So yeaah, so that's what I've been up to, in case anyone was going to ask. I feel like especially proud of myself. It's like a real dad thing to install a clothesline in your backyard. So now we've got one and it's, and it's like we always should have had one. You know, we've lived here for like two years. We haven't had a clothesline outside and now it just feels complete. Nice, yeaah.


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[Assistant] The best though, is if she's like, she's like, she's mad at you for something else, okay? Or like disappointed at you for something else. And then she'll be like, and you still haven't hung up that fucking picture. You'll be like, you know what, actually baby, I did bring it up. Get up and come with me right now. We're going upstairs.


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[Assistant] So that's gonna be an important sticking point as well. The human race has encountered other races as well. If you wanna do like an origins piece or something, you know?


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[Assistant] I imagine them to look like those like, dog things in Ghostbusters.


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[Assistant] Little Furbies, yea. A huge furious Furby.


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[Assistant] No, don't fucking spend your money on- you don't even know what that is, you've never even seen it before, like why would you buy that? But he was like dead set on getting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey wait a second, wait a second. What? What about the voice chip, remember?


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[Assistant] Hi everybody, what's up? Welcome back to the Triforce Podcast, featuring your favorite three guys in the whole wide world. That's right, it's, uh, me and Lewis, appearing flax, and we're here today to talk about Brexit and Bramane, because it's topic


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[Assistant] Today is the day, right? But you won't get this until a week later. So, uh, we can talk about, uhm, our predictions and then in a week's time, you can be like, holy shit, those guys had it so wrong. Uhm, I predict.


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[Assistant] Well that's cause there's nothing else to talk about. They hype it up as this big thing, but like, I don't think it is like a big deal at all actually.


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[Assistant] It's actually come and gone already, period. Flax will have you know. You'll have to wait for that one to come out to rent on VHS or DVD.


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[Assistant] No, no, no. There's like a technicality there. It's not that they're not gonna let everyone in. They're gonna let people who are useful in. And that makes you even more racist. Because people are like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's why, like, my parents and probably your parents had to, like, do those drills where they hid under their desks in case that... Because, you know, that's gonna help, you know, when an A-bomb goes off and melts everything.


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[Assistant] It's the age old, like, it's the climate of fear thing, right? And then, but nowadays you're fearful of like weird shit. You're not scared the bombs are going to drop or whatever, you're scared


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[Assistant] Of like, people who are gonna suck total balls at a job getting into the job and stuff like that. Like that's the new fear. That's taken over from like, uhm,


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[Assistant] Like tangible fears like, you know, dying because of like an atomic blast. Just being scared that Trump's gonna get in and somehow fucking, you know, cause some problems or whatever by just being a doofus.


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[Assistant] I'm not allowed to. Apparently we were, we were possibly going to be able to, but because we're


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[Assistant] We're, we're a dependent territory and not, we have, we're self governed in everything over here. Yeah, we don't get the chance to vote. So we're affected by it though too, I think. Um, you know, like whatever, whatever the outcome is, but I don't, we don't get a say whatsoever.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well they have a really thriving industry revolving around people avoiding tax, so, I mean if the UK would like to get into that as well, then maybe they'd be alright.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true actually, yeah. Cause like, there's a whole bunch of big companies, like all, basically all of the, uh, online games and stuff that you play operate out of Ireland in some capacity now, right? Because it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cheaper, yeaah, it's cheaper for them. You don't have to pay tax. And famously, Ireland don't actually tax musicians either, and that's why U2 never moved.


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[Assistant] I don't even think that they were really particularly proud to be Irish. I think they probably would have moved somewhere else, but there's obviously huge monetary benefits of staying in Ireland.


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[Assistant] The next U2. Musicians for a living. Yeah, exactly. You never know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they sort of give you like a little insight into their life when they declare that they're gonna vote like one way or whatever because they have to like reaffirm that, you know, that's their choice sort of thing. So they're like, like you said, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you know exactly what you need to know about them based on that.


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[Assistant] So you're, so you're Bromaine. You wanna Bromaine in the EU. All about the Bromaine.


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[Assistant] If you wanna make money off the whole Brexit bromaine, yeaah, that's not very good. You want it to be like neck and neck, so either way.


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[Assistant] I think it would be crazy if they left though, realistically. I think there's just so many things that people never consider in a decision like this. And I think you have to be


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[Assistant] Pretty fucking insane to actually think that they're gonna leave. There, I said it. I can't vote.


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[Assistant] Well, don't say that to Lewis, because Lewis obviously wants to like, blast him. True. I'm a, I'm a, yeah, I like, I like his- I like his tushy, like-


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe he'll paint the, maybe if he gets in, he'll just paint the White House gold and put his name above it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. God, can you imagine how much candy we'd be able to just eat at all times? Jesus. Forget about it. More, even more so than we can now. Be nuts.


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[Assistant] All the time! We're abolishing breakfast, lunch and dinner and replacing it with just ice cream. Uhm, your choice. All the flavors you can ever imagine.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, so that's the, uh, that's the hot news this week. I mean, it's a topic that the three of us, I don't think really give that much of a shit about honestly.


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[Assistant] It's small, it's got a small population, you know, pretty, pretty laid back. Everybody just wants to like, you know, build an igloo and fucking shave their polar bear or whatever, you know. It's nice, nice place to live. I haven't lived there for like 15 years, so maybe it's changed a bit, but uhm,


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's very, it's like, yeaah, it's like, I think Vancouver to Seattle is like, maybe like 200 miles or something. Yeaah, it's literally like a 40 minute flight.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's very grey though. I mean, it's like, it's a bit like the UK in the sense that it rains a lot. It's very grey and sort of a little bit colder and stuff, but it is a very nice part of the world for sure. Well, like the Rockies and stuff are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fuckin' nice up like around there. If you go like, if you, if you set off from Vancouver and you go to like Banff or something.


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[Assistant] Watch the rain fall down but not go on you because you're inside a train.


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[Assistant] Yeah, mountains. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. You know, this is Earth, it's not Middle Earth, so. We don't have like things.


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[Assistant] Well, okay, well, I was just saying that I smelt a flower, but I mean, if you want to take it to that extreme. No, I just, I was walking by a flower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you shun the natural world? You're trying to like lecture us on Zen and everything. I feel like I'm at a point in my own inner peace where I am noticing flowers now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see a flower? You say hell. You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower? You see a flower?


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[Assistant] And I did. I went right up to it and I gave it a good ol' sniff and holy shit.


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[Assistant] I-I recommend it, okay? Don't take flowers for granted, if you're listening to this right now. If you see a flower, go smell that shit, because it smells good, okay? They smell crazy, that, like, you can see why people, like, invented perfume and stuff like that, because they smell naturally just amazing. Like, it's-it's incredible.


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[Assistant] No, honestly though, it's uhm, it was nice. It wasn't like a particularly nice day. A unicorn didn't like come down and have sex with me or anything like that. It was just a normal day. I was walking by, there was like a bush and there was like a, I guess it was a rose bush, but there was one rose and it just stuck out cause it was like bright, bright pink. And I was like, I'm gonna smell it. And I did. And I have no regrets.


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[Assistant] Next time I see one, you bet your ass I'm gonna be smelling it, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Do you smell stuff like, like through like almost like taste?


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[Assistant] If somebody farts in your face, if you do that thing with your nose where like you don't physically pinch your nose to block it, but you know, you can sort of like.


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[Assistant] Internally like block your nose sort of thing, you know what I mean? If you do that, sometimes you can still almost like taste the fart, like if it's really potent. Wait, shit, I mean if you think about it. I thought that maybe.


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[Assistant] I know but most of them just get caught up in like the fabric of your jeans and stuff like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but what if you're wearing jeans though? Because like the, like with the high thread count as well, you know.


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[Assistant] All right, jeans companies, we've had enough now. You need to up your thread count, especially around the ass area, because there are poop particles getting loose and they are giving people pink eye and they are going in their mouth so they can taste your farts and it's not on. That'd be great. 100%.


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[Assistant] Oh shit. Ben, do you ever blow smoke out of your nose? Yeah, I'm sure. That shit hurts too, doesn't it? No, it doesn't. Makes you go, like, watery-eyed. You get used to it. Maybe you just do it now.


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[Assistant] I like the sound it makes though, like when we're playing games and stuff, occasionally just in the background I can hear like


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[Assistant] It's like that guy, it's like the guy who only eats Big Macs and you're like, well that guy should be really fat, but he's really skinny and it's because he's like on the verge of dying.


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[Assistant] Fucking hunky dory. Holy shit. Until we leave the EU and then, uhm.


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[Assistant] They really scrape the barrel sometimes like with the, with the up to the minute stuff. Cause they're just stammering a bit. Cause there's nothing to actually say cause nobody's like talking to them or telling them what's going on or whatever. So they'll have like some really obscure view from like some weird vantage point that they're just about allowed to be at.


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[Assistant] Maybe, yeah. Maybe it was just like a catalyst for a lot of things in your life that you didn't realize.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I can't figure. I've just had the subversion to paying tax ever since. I can't quite do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, this is a sponsored thing for World of Tanks, right?


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[Assistant] I think I saw one when I was in Bristol last. I think Ben had one on his desk. Or Tom had one on his desk. Yea, they're pretty big. They're awesome.


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[Assistant] Uh, besides smelling flowers, what have I been doing? Um, I've been playing. Prancing through fields. Yeah, prancing through fields. I've been doing that a lot. Um, I've just been admiring nature and just, you know, just, just working on my inner peace, you know, day by day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was just like, ever since then I've just felt compelled to sniff flowers and work on my inner piece.


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[Assistant] That's right, I mean I wasn't technically in America, but uhm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. And of course your head isn't fully developed at that age. It's still like soft in parts. So, uh, it's quite possible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, mushed all the important sort of receptors and stuff and that's how.


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[Assistant] It all goes back to that. Do you actually hate the Tour de France? Oh, I hate it. It's kind of boring, eh? So boring.


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[Assistant] Patriotism in France is crazy, like, you just have to say the word France, uhm, and in like the title of something you're doing, like, dogging in France, and like the whole nation is like, dogging, woah, I love dogging, like they fucking...


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[Assistant] It's horrible, by the way. Get out there and live for Christ's sake. Geez. Yeah. God damn it. Sniff a flower. Just fucking do it. Just fucking do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. It's okay. That's a hallmark of a good motivational speaker though. You just have to start yelling and really get people all fired up.


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[Assistant] You know, it's, it's all about World War II and you know, there's obviously some big players in World War II, like famous sort of, uh,


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[Assistant] People that were involved in and around World War II or whatever, including Hitler.


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[Assistant] And uhm, so I read about Hitler a little bit, for whatever reason. And uhm, turns out he was like a really excellent, uhm, public speaker. And he had like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He employed like these things in his public speaking where at the time like not many people did like, you know, like the psychological side of it. Uhm, and people thought that he was able to like brainwash crowds and stuff. Wow.


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[Assistant] You think you could do that, Lewis, with your uhm, live your life speech?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I mean, we're talking about public speaking. They were cool.


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[Assistant] You know, nowadays, like, you know, people have to say these really clever things, you know, that like resonate deep with people, but like the stuff he was saying at the time, and maybe it was just the sign of the time, was just very simple. It was like, it was like storybook kind of shit, you know, it was like.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So, I mean, it was highly effective at the time and there was like accounts of, you know, like the Hitler youth, one, one member of the Hitler youth, um, saying that he just had this way about him or this energy or stage presence or something. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Uh, but apparently by the end of it, all these kids are like tears streaming down their faces and they're doing the fucking Hail Hitler's like there's no tomorrow and stuff. And you just think how the hell like that's crazy. But I guess at the time maybe they needed that.


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[Assistant] I think on the German side as well, there was a lot of bitterness over World War 1. And there was a lot of things that they viewed as being a bit unjust following World War 1.


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[Assistant] Right, yeaah. I mean, nowadays, it wouldn't be, you know, World War I, trench warfare, and it was very much, uh, you know, centered around, uhm, you know, people sitting in a trench and then, uhm, repeatedly sort of trying to charge another trench.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But World War 2 was a bit more refined in that, you know, tanks and planes and ships played a bigger part obviously, but it was still very much


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Land battles, you know, there was still massive amounts of troops.


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[Assistant] Marching around, um, claiming sort of territory and, and this and that. Like a lot of like the, the big, big battles were.


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[Assistant] I was like, I think all told, a civilian and military is like, across the world is like 50 million or something. It's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like Russia was meant to be like their granary.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, Russia had the buddy system too, right? They didn't even have the equipment. It was like one gun for two guys. Like when, when, when one guy died, the other guy would just pick up his gun and carry on sort of thing. Like it's nuts.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, cause if you all get assigned together then, and then your regiment gets wiped out or whatever, you're not gonna like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was reading as well that apparently like a lot of the downfall of Germany in World War II was Hitler was just so unwell in the end and he was just making these terrible fucking military decisions. Like he had all these people like top brass that were making these decisions to like, um, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But apparently he was like on like all sorts of medication and drugs and everything and like a lot of people like historians sort of think that he was just so fucking crazy in the end that like he just didn't know what he was doing.


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[Assistant] I mean, I have no problem sending five submarines into an American fleet of like 200 ships. Cause I'm just like, whatever. We've got to, something's got to give here. But you know, obviously when you, when you get down to it, a bunch of guys from London are all crewing that submarine. And when that thing goes down, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He must have been like the only guy, cause the air force is so small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty clutch. It could have gone either way. I think like uhm, you know when you watch footage or you watch documentaries about World War II and they talk about some of the big battles and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that, the way that it's recounted and the way that it's portrayed is always in a certain way, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They almost make it seem like everybody involved just knew exactly what the fuck they were doing. And like, I don't think that that's the case in war in general. Like, I mean, if you take...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take for instance nowadays, we have all this technology and everything and still, you know, like in more recent conflicts, there's been tons of friendly fire incidents, there's been miscommunication, there's been all sorts of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine how much of that must have happened back then, you know, like when there wasn't the technology, took a long time for orders to come through or for people to like know what to do and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It must have been as a soldier, like on the front line, I bet you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's kind of a miracle that like, you know, things turned out the way that they did and you know, that we're not all fucking, I don't know, still living


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's not an accurate comparison, but like,


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[Assistant] If you've ever been like paintballing or like airsofting or whatever before, like you don't know who the fuck is on your team half the time. Like you're assuming the people behind you are on your team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some dudes literally ran over there to check for them, like an hour before as well, you know? It's like, or, or if they were lucky maybe a plane spotted something, but you know what I mean? Like, it's kinda nuts, like, I don't know, like when I'm reading like a lot of stuff about World War II, I think about that often, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's just, it's just crazy to think that people manage to do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there's a couple of really good sort of like anti-war books, uh, and not, not like from a propaganda point of view, but it's, you know, it's like people who have, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like catch 22, I don't know if you ever read that, but it's like, it's a very sort of like, you know, wars is crazy and it's not something that should be looked back on as being cool or anything like that. Like, and all the characters are nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and insane and nobody knows what they're doing and everybody's like so scared of doing anything and dreading like their next orders and stuff. It's an excellent book. If you've never read cash 20, totally worth reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's, there's more as well, but Catch 22 definitely like sort of comes to mind as being a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Churchill got all the glory, but you know, fucking somebody had to like, somebody had to keep the, keep the power on at home. And that was Neff doing it by himself, literally attached wires to his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been playing Prison Architect a lot. Yeah, I saw your series. I've been recording it and playing it in my spare time. I've been playing a bit of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Overwatch I've stopped playing now. I've just sort of gravitated away from it as, as you do with games sometimes. I was, I was like excited enough to play it when it came out, but it's, it's very sort of samey after a while and I just sort of, there was other stuff coming out so I picked that up instead. But yea, Hearts of Iron IV and, uhm, and Prison Architect have been my big ones recently for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well we're going to BlizzCon in a couple of months, so there'll definitely be some sort of Hearthstone announcement there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a different kind of game though. People get attached to different heroes and stuff. I guess CSGO is a bit, it's a bit more of a mechanical game, isn't it? You just like jump in and shoot dudes and you have to have that like reflex and skill or whatever maybe you don't care so much about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she asks, which of you three is the best at DIY? It's a pretty good question. Probably better than most anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that I'm probably better at DIY than Lewis, and I'm unsure of Pyrrhon Flax's DIY skills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. That's true. Yeah. I think with me DIY is something that I'm, I'm handy enough if I put my mind to it, but I'm so fucking lazy and I procrastinate so fucking hard that when I finally do get around doing it, uh, I'll rush through it and that'll do sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've never experienced the joy of a cordless power drill? Because they're pretty sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only watch live TV in the morning and that's when I have a baby sleeping on my lap while my wife is like getting ready, um, because that's like the only chance she has to like have a shower without a baby crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I've seen every episode as well. It's really funny. But after Frasier is done, Undercover Boss comes on and I don't normally change the channel. So that means that I kind of like it. It's not on at like 10 in the morning. So Undercover Boss just comes on after Frasier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Frazier I'll sit there and actually sort of half pay attention to while I'm farting around on my iPad while the baby's sleeping. And then Undercover Boss, similarly, it'll come on and occasionally it'll be, you know, somebody who runs a casino or something like that and you're like, eh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like half watch it, but that's about the only TV I really watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I watched like the first like two seasons of it. When it was out, like when it just came out and it was like the big thing, I was like, well, I'll check it out or whatever. And I didn't mind it, but I wouldn't watch like fucking 10 years of that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody loves Raymond. That's on channel 40 all the time. Yeaah, it's pretty bad. It's bad, but I watch it. Like, if it's on, it's okay enough to have it on in the background. Yeaah, it's not offensive. It's just not funny. It's just kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, like Seinfeld had fuckin' recurring characters as well that were just pretty funny, like Putty and like Kenny Banya. Like, you know, they were funny enough that like even if you didn't watch the show, they were just like entertaining enough to see sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've just heard, I've just been away for a week, and uhm, my mum's been here covering for me. Cause I was, I was basically out of the last seven days, I've been here, well today, and, and Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously we, we were collectively at PDXCon and then I went to play poker and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny because my mum being here is like, it's very helpful. Obviously she looks after the kids and the kids love her and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's never easy living with an old mum, let alone not your own old mum. It's like someone else's mum. So like if Mrs. F's mum came to stay, that would be a living hell for me, like a nightmare on earth. Right. When my mum comes to stay, it's bad enough. But someone else's mum? Forget about it. My mum drives me up the fucking wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem I have with my mum is she's so inflexible in her routines and the things that she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost to the point of, of mania. Like if it's not exactly, like if she turns up and there isn't semi-skimmed milk to go in her tea or coffee, I can't remember which one is which. Right. She has full cream in one of those and semi-skimmed in the other. If she doesn't- Woah! It's like an arm- Full cream! Right, but it's like an arm flapping- Oh! What is that? What am I supposed to do now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the, the slightest change in, in like the, the most minor of demands or requirements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't stay up late the night before streaming and recording and stuff like that because now I've got this to do. And I'm just like, you know, she's like, well, I want to go in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freeze or raise pensions, you'll win in a landslide. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you talk about helping anybody that isn't fucking old and volcano worthy, then you're not gonna win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a fucking volcano. I don't even like Jeremy Corbyn, right? But I reckon if he ran on a campaign where he, he's old himself. If he said, we're gonna dig up a volcano, we're gonna figure it out, we'll get a volcano somewhere in the Midlands where nobody cares about it. And his campaign is, we're gonna fuck them all in the volcano and I'm going in first if we win. I promise. I'd fucking vote for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To launch this big new company that was going to appeal to the people and it was going to be fantastic was like the oldest, crustiest, least, least cool person you could imagine. That's Theresa May. You shove her in the front. This is our flagship right here. This is our leader. No wonder people don't fucking like politics. You know who they should get on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy said, the uh, the flange nut, you got the 212 on there, you need the 214, whoever installed it had no idea what they were doing. Don't worry, I've got the part in the van, I'll just pop out and get it, and we'll have it running tickety-boo in five minutes. But it will cost you 50 grand, hope that's alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought they would just add a white speckle emitter in there to sort of cancel the two out. The black speckles would be counted by the white speckles. I mean, if he said that was the solution, I believe in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15 years ago when we first moved in here and we had a guy out to look at the boiler. It's a similar thing. I think boilers are always awkwardly located, so butt crack is gonna be on show, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With this immaculate butt crack, and I was just staring at it thinking, what the fuck is up with this guy's butt crack? It looks like a fake! And they tend to him at the boiler repair, uh, school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a comment I saw on Reddit, it made me laugh, so I thought I'd try and claim it as my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you why. I got an email saying, would you like to come and play poker in Prague? And I was like, fuck yeah, Prague sounds like a lot of fun. You know, it was just after PDX kind of had one day off. My flight was at 7.30 AM. So I had a similar kind of problem to you guys did get when you guys flew to Stockholm. It was very early. So I was like pissed off because the flight was early. We'd get to the airport and I think, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least Prague is close and I can go and look around it. And the guy's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a bunch, an industry has sprung up around it, and of course, the industry that supports a casino is the brothel industry, the money lending industry, the cash quick trade in your valuable items here industry, and a couple of other shitty hotels. I mean, across the road from the casino is a place called Chiquita Massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's obviously, you know, a neon sign that flashes open 24 hours. It's a brothel. They are legal in the Czech Republic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grabbing all over me and they're like, oh, sometimes it's so good you fall asleep. So I'm telling me I have to pay the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the staff all speak German, because most of the people who come in there are German, so the board is literally 10 minutes drive, not even that, and you're in Deutschland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you tell me. So, we're there at the casino, and it, I mean casinos are fucking horrible places, alright? I don't know, I mean maybe in Vegas it's different, but it's, it's by, by nature of whichever evil overlord designed the first casino, the whole purpose is no windows, no signal of what time of day it is, depressing lighting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, just get it going, and uh, and sort of the most bland that you can imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So like, you're in the restaurant area and there were people saying, oh the restaurant's great, it's really good, amazing food. And the people that always say that to me, I'm always very suspicious of e-sports people and gamers in general telling me this food is amazing, because I kind of think they have no fucking idea what good food is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like a stereotype, but I mean, I've been to enough events where people have said to me, you have to go to this restaurant, the food is amazing. And you go, okay, and you eat it and you think, this is garbage. Like this is garbage food. This is, this is not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, if the fucking replicator on the Enterprise was a bit off that day, and David had been fucking around with it trying to improve its efficiency, Captain Picard says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your fucking emotion chip is all out of whack. It's your basic bitch schnitzel. Don't give me that shit. So that was one. And the thing is the restaurant is surrounded by the fruit machines, right? Yeah. And they're going night and day. The graphics are like NES 8-bit style. The sound is definitely. It's probably better fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. I like that. And it was just like, it was just weird. And the atmosphere was weird. So I was, and we were there for like three days. There was nowhere else to go. So I'm in this casino. The guys that I was working with out there, like the guys that invited me and all the staff were very friendly. They were very nice. The dealers were very friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, all those guys were there, uhm. Okay. I mean, a bunch of them knew each other, I knew, I knew a couple of them vaguely, but I didn't like, know them, know them. Uh, but it was fun, you know, we hung out, we were playing poker and stuff. But then we met the big boss, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the big boss, Leo, is the owner of the casino. He's trying to get e-sports and gambling together really, really in a big way, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the objective as far as I could understand is, they have a big Twitch presence, and that will encourage people to go to Rosvedov and gamble, and it's like a whole new market that they're trying to get to. That's the best I could put together from his explanation. And he says to us, okay listen,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody was sort of silent for like a minute, looking at each other like, what does he mean, streaming table? And I said, do you mean like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A poker table that we can come and play at and it's streaming. He goes, no, no, no. Streaming table. Like you sit and you stream and you do your games and stuff and streaming. What do you want? Do you want, we have seven foot LED screen. We have discos. We have, I don't know, people coming out of the ground. We have, whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gorillaz in suits that would sort of carry in their cash. And there's like high roller games where the people sit down with like 20, 30 grand at the table. Like minimum, 200 euros a hand minimum. Were there any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were definitely a few, uhm, a couple of the high rollers were Asian guys, uhm, but people will travel, because the high roller games, especially against like big, big poker games, it's not every day, it's like it's hard to get a real high roller poker game, so people will travel, you know, and they'll stay at the hotel and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's depressive. I mean, if you're taking drugs like that to a destructive degree, that's not just because drugs are bad, it's because you have underlying issues. Like, I'm reading, I was telling you, I was boring you sips with how good Norm MacDonald's book, uh, Based on a True Story is, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not an alcoholic, so I do drink. Like, life's funny like that. And I thought that was quite sort of a clever New MacDonald bit of philosophy. Yeah, yeah. You know, some people, they can't drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's some underlying issue. Alcoholism or depression or something like that. And I thought Chris Cornell probably was depressed in the first place. I do heroin all the time, and there's no ill effects. So I just don't have a problem. Obviously. Chris did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I read a similar thing about how people talk about like alcoholism as a disease or drugs being physically addictive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing I've, when it comes to hard drugs, the real thing that's hard about them is getting a hold of them, I've found. Like that's the hard part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would never share, like never. Even when we were all out, he was like, no, buy it. I was like, I don't have any money. He was like, well, go and go fuck yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, yeaah, I would've done coke, I think, and I definitely would do LSD, but not from just someone in the street walking up and saying, hey, big fan, put this in your body, you'll have a great time. Like, no, I won't eat a cake that someone's baked for me, like I'm not gonna eat a fucking, I'm gonna drop ass and give me a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that a lot of countries don't necessarily want to win because it's really expensive to put it on, right? And I think a lot of time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was alright. Do you remember Dustin the Turkey, the Irish entry? I think it was Dustin, do you remember him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was the Irish entry. This was after they'd won back to back Eurovisions. Right? Ireland? What? Yea, yea. They won back to back and they could not afford to put this shit on again. It was going to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they literally said, we can't afford to do this again, we've got to put forward an act that cannot possibly win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I was amazed, Brexit didn't seem to affect how the voting went, like we did about as well as we ever do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they've always hated us. No, we've never been popular. Like, why the fuck would the French ever vote for us? They would rather die, I'm pretty sure, than say, England is the best. Like, they would hate that. So, I don't think we need to worry about Brexit. They fucking hate us anyway. Bingo. Well, it doesn't matter. Who cares? I don't care. I just wanna watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he, you know what he did? He did do, uhm, one of his shows. He's gone to, like, uh, where is it? Uhm, Broadway. Like, he's opened a show on Broadway for the first time. Like, that was like, I think he was just in, I don't think he died or was sick, I think he was just in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's him. But you're wrong. Andrew Lloyd Webber actually is still consumed by the dark side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what was good is it's all games that will appeal like to us, right? Like they're all the kind of games that we play. Games that have a multiplayer aspect or they're single player but they're kind of still strategy and buildy games and sandbox games. It's all my kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a big post this morning, a big tweet longer about uhm, how I think they could fix frontlines in Hearts of Iron 4, okay? So, just to give you a brief rundown, I know that we don't normally talk about games, but just a very brief rundown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem I think is that you give the AI a frontline and it sees a frontline as a single thread that it needs to cover. And that's fine in terms of putting your troops on the frontline, like I get that. But I said that one suggestion would be that you also assign reserve units.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something that you, once you get the hang of it, you can work around it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my only, my only problem with it is that it pretty much just changes the starting conditions. So it's basically if you're bored of the default hard survive setup that you have with the world as it was, you can try Cardzarek and everything's different. Everything is different. It is fun, I do like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] W-woah, stop, stop. You guys have been playing hearts of iron without me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega stop shaking the boat! Zico yelled from his position on the bottom of the boat. Sorry! Bodega said laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bodega had just gotten his first crew member after saving him from execution. He was planning to go to the Golden Warline, where he could get the treasure hidden by the previous Pirate King. It was a very dangerous place to go, and was life-threatening, but many people still went to get the treasure. Bodega had an advantage, though. As a child, he'd eaten a rubber fruit that gave him stretch powers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zico grunted, and before he could yell again, Bodega said, Sorry, sorry. Bodega sat and thought on a plan for hours, before finally presenting a plan to Zico. This better be good, Zico said. I decided, the plan is to get a crew, then go get the treasure. Zico sighed. I'm so gonna die with this guy. The end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, unlike Bodega's pants, he was cold and wet because he peed cool, cool urine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drip drip drip, it was now dripping onto the floor. They were eating space peanut butter. Bodega's one weakness, it was like his kryptonite. The fellow pirate named Kurt


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think Bodega's credit card would be accepted by any major retailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Earth. Because he hasn't been there before. But anyway. He reached a little town and went into one of the stores. The owner was Hispanic, and he guided Bodega to the section that he wanted. He picked out many machines to help him with the spaceship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why some Hispanic stores are called Bodegas. Ahhhhh, it's like an origin story. Oh my god. He used the building as the base of the ship and then attached all of the machines inside to create a fantastic spaceship. Wow. It was time to take off. It was nearly night but Bodega knew he had to take off now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were still out there, I apologize for remarrying. Again with the remarrying! What is with this? Me and George had a child. We named him after you, Bodega. I hope you're alive, and if you are, then please accept my apology. I miss you greatly. Greatly, Majesta. Bodega felt a tear slowly trickle down his face. At least he'd survived this fatal crash, and who knows? Maybe he could find love elsewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you say? Are you implying that bodega owners have worked their way into this in some way to kind of get free advertising via this? Is that what you're implying? Like bodega operators are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly! Exactly! I just, money please. The shop takes money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is not cool about portage and run robbery? That's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, wow, I wonder who this guy is. And he was like, all right, my name's Graham. Can I help you move in? I was like, you live here as well? I was like, yeah, yeah. So we got chatting and he was, he was starting a university.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had come from prison that day, like he got out, and this was where he was living now. So he left prison, got the bus and the train and everything, back to Plymouth. I think it was like, whichever the one is, like Dartmoor prison, which is a hard prison, right? That's where he'd been. And he'd been there for, I think he'd served an eight year sentence for armed robbery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And he robbed post offices, uhm, with a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it wasn't a real gun, but it counts as armed robbery if it's a pretend gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Otherwise everyone would go in with a pretend gun and get like five years off their sentence or whatever. Uhm, so he goes in with a fake gun and, you know, cause he didn't have a real gun and he would rob village post offices because there's never any police around. It's worth a good few grand or maybe 500 quid or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should hate being in prison. He fuckin' hated it. Like, he wouldn't really talk about it much. He told us, when we, we would tease him occasionally about getting uhm, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what happens in the shower, Graham, and stuff like that? He was like, we didn't, didn't see any of that. I was like, really? He goes, yeah, because if anyone was caught doing any of that, you know, we'd fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we'd burnt it all in a bonfire and the fire brigade and the police turned up because it looked like a massive fire, but in fact it was just a bin out the back that we'd filled with plastic and set fire to it. So they gave us a bike in there. We would also, there was like a four lane road outside our front door. It wasn't like a motor, it was like a main junction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on Mutley Plain in, uh, in Plymouth. And we would throw in an American football across the road, like over the heads of all the cars and everything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spent a lot of time indoors, you know, didn't sort of go out. He would come out to the pub with us, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tried to keep it on the DL rather than going nuts, cause he was worried, you know, I'll get drunk, I'll do something stupid, and it'll be bad. Cause he had like prison tattoos, you have them on your face, for every year in prison you get like another dot on your face, and I think on your neck is borstal, or one of them, there's one of the ways around it is on your hand and stuff. What is borstal? That's prison for young offenders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a way to maintain the balance, right? Like these rules of prison, I'm sure they've been the same forever. If you stick a bunch of dudes in a fucking jail for years and years, there needs to be very strict social order rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't want to say etiquette, because I doubt they call it that, but the way things are done, right, in a big ass, this is the way we do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean, there's a bunch of things, like you have to declare when you're traveling, like I think when you enter the States, isn't it, you have to fill out the little form that says, yeah, I've broken the law, cause if it's something bad, they'll be like, fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you've, if you've robbed somewhere, you know, one of the chances you're gonna then suddenly go, I will never break the law again. You know, it's like, you crossed the line, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'll never get tired of Mafia chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, if you hire the, like, what kind of club do you want? If you want the kind of club that's like a hangout for a gang, like the, like the restaurants in Goodfellas where they always go. No, it's like, yeah, it's like a front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are those companies, aren't there, that rip people off. And if people request a refund...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They send them the refund, but they send it from their other company that's called Giant Dildos Inc. Uh, when you take it to the bank, you have to cash the check from Giant Dildos Inc. Uh, so people don't. That's, that's the scam. You force people to, you embarrass them so greatly that they don't wanna see that on their bank statement or take it to the bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a friend, a school friend of mine ran the sex shop in Bournemouth. It's gone now sadly, but it was at the top of the triangle for any of, any of you that know Bournemouth. You guys don't obviously, but that was what he did. Like after school, he, um, we, you know, we were all sort of at university and stuff and we'd come back from time to time. Not after school, after school had finished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think nowadays, obviously, you can order everything online, so the age of the sex shop is kind of dying out, because there's no embarrassment, say, if you wanted to order a massive dildo, it's just gonna be a thing in a box, like who cares, right? I mean, you get some from Amazon, there's no way you'd know it was a dildo. It doesn't come in a dildo box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So alright, so let me tell you something for fuck's sake. TED talk I was watching. This is about the internet. This is salient point. We were talking about kids on the internet and everything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a TED talk about safety for kids on the internet. It was a pretty dark talk. It was talking about, you know, all these kind of groomers and all that kind of shit that goes on the internet. But this is, this is a, this is a more important bit that we don't need to go into that stuff. This was about parents letting their kids online. And the guy told this story. He said that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you, like, when you get to a certain age as a kid, your parents say to you, okay, you can walk to school by yourself now. Now here are the rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you go from here straight to school. You don't go anywhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get to the corner, you look both ways before you cross the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always cross at the, at the junction. Don't talk to any strangers. You just go to school and then on the way back from school, you come straight home, you don't stop, blah, blah, blah. You give them all these rules and everything like that. So he said, imagine if instead of doing that, the rules were, okay, you can go to school today, off you go. And then a month later they say, oh yeah, don't forget to look both ways before you cross the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then another month later, like, oh yeaah, and don't, uh, forget to only cross at the corner and stuff. So it's like, instead of giving these kids these rules for how to use the internet and how to be safe up front, it's sort of drip fed to them, oh you shouldn't do that, or not at all as time goes on. And by then the damage might have already been done. So the important thing is to tell them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff to people. And then obviously all this online dating and stuff like that. A lot of the early, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ground breakers, the real, the real pioneers of online dating just cut to the chase and sent people pictures of their dicks. Pamela Anderson. She did it. Pamela Anderson. She triggered it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As did Paris, like that was deliberately leaked to sort of add a bit of woo, aren't they edgy, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she was a prostitute in many of the illicit Game of Thrones scenes. Samantha Bentley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, worked, uh, she, uh, yeaah, she was in porn and now she's, uh, she was in Game of Thrones. Maisie D, the most successful porn actress in Game of Thrones. I think she was the one that got shot by a crossbow bolt by, uh, spoiler alert, by that little ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is for a good Thai curry. Okay. You need some shallots. You know, don't use a big onion, use shallots, it's much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna seal the chicken. So you fry it just so it browns on the outside. Not too brown, just sort of, you know, you know, just color it on the outside. Then you're gonna add your, your Thai curry paste. Which you can get it from like a supermarket, so you can get it from one of those Chinese supermarkets. Just a couple of teaspoons of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that fry and get all that flavour soaking into the chicken while it's cooking. Then you can add some kaffir lime leaves. Whack those in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you, uh, add coconut milk, like a big old whole can of coconut milk. One right in there, get it all mixing around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it, get it, bubba, nice and juicy. Then I add, it, bamboo shoots, and uhm, you know, the ones that looks like a piece of cardboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a little rectangle of bamboo, not a bean sprout, but like the bamboo shoots like that. Yeah. Yeah. Those, wax those in there and you set it, set it chilling for like 10, 15 minutes. And then you get your Thai rice, your home Mali Thai rice. Okay. Now the key to cooking this is not too much water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what you do is, you rinse the rice just under the cold tap, because it's better wet, whack it in a pan, and how, let's say I have one mug of rice, however much I've put out of rice, I put one and a half times of water. You can add a little bit more water if you get afraid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it gets really nice and fluffy. And then you get it simmering. And the moment it starts any kind of bubbles, you turn the heat down as low as it'll go on the smallest burn you've got on the hob. Put a piece of kitchen paper over the top of the pan and whack a lid on it to seal in the steam. And you give it 10 minutes, almost 10 minutes exactly. You won't even need to drain it. It'll be bone dry, nice and fluffy white rice. Enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we just sit around talking about dad stuff. No, let's just dive into dad stuff. Any dad things happened this week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it where you drive your car around and the monkeys pull off your, um, windscreen wipers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it like things though, like you make an effort to go out and do something, or do you sometimes just have a day where you just can't be arsed to leave the room? Or is that impossible with kids? Is it like, does it just make you go stir crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and everyone's got stories that are interesting. They, well they're very happy to tell you. Actually, do you know what, I don't think my nan...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually does. My nan is one of these 90 year old ladies who, you know, who's gradually got sort of more incapable as she's grown older. And so we've had people go and help her, you know, collect her shopping or push her down to the library or whatever it is that, you know, gradually. And I think she's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She recently sort of asked us to put her in a more of a home where she could sort of not. She wanted that though, she was kind of like, you know, I can't be arsed anymore. I want to kind of, don't want to bother cooking for myself. Can we get, can we get me in a home with other old ladies where I can chat to them and play Scrabble?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know, it's like, it's a different thing, but I don't think she has any interesting stories actually, I mean I speak to her all the time. Maybe she's told me them all already actually, maybe that's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I think this is a stereotype. I think we see this on TV and movies as something to demonise, right? Like, and I don't think that many people do ship off their relatives to a nursing home. You know, it is definitely a classic Simpsons thing where it's like, yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get your pipers, slippers, you'll, you know, do the crossword, you'll walk down to the shop and buy, buy the milk and smell the flowers and you know, look longingly at your phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Try it. But what you don't know is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like being on a roller coaster, right? Imagine like, you know, watching the moon come to like, splat you. I mean, it will be as instantaneous as...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fear is what you, what you can, and also a lot of other things are how you make a mental choice about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about this before, we talked about this before, and I just sort of thought, fuck it, like, you know, I could, I could paint some blue fucking paint on a canvas. Also, all of the walls of my flat are like bare, so I decided I was going to just fill them up with, with stuff. And I didn't really want to go to Ikea and buy like, a thing for 10 pounds, I'd rather like buy like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, like, I thought, fuck it, I'll buy like, well, I could buy like three fucking canvases for ten pounds and then like, uh, a weird-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's too much. I don't wanna, I don't wanna think of my own semen every time I look at my art or else it'll just make me horny all the time, do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, really, I'll show you, I'll show you a few. It's just weird, sometimes like, when I was writing, the thing I was always taught was that if you're ever faced with like a blank sheet or a blank piece of paper or anything, that's like where you get writer's block from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to just start putting things down, and then as soon as you've written something down, it all just fills out. Uhm, and it's like, it's easy from that point on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what it's like for me, where the fuck do I start, and then I just start making bullet points, start making notes, or some trigger, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three hours would go by and I was like, oh, I'm done now. And it was, I'd come out, it's almost like I was in like a reverie or something or in like, um, you know, in a trance. And it's the same thing with like art doing a bit of art. It's like, I just splodged some stuff down and I'm like, okay, what does this look like? It looks like a fucking crunchy bar or whatever. It's now-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fucking awful, those sips. I know that it's awful, but it's kind of okay, because it makes me feel, but this is part of like the decision sort of process, like for example-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, the main thing I wanted about, cause the main thing I like, one of the things I like about art is that it's not, as opposed to, hm, I guess, I just like seeing it be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In 3D, like if you have a painting for example, it's, it's, you can tell it's, it's not the same as a print because when you look at a painting in a gallery, the paint kind of comes off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like Caravaggio or whatever, all these, these Dutch masterpieces, you know, painters, they, they were, started...