[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I have really big, these, uh, canine teeth. Man, they stick out like crazy. It's probably because you're a redneck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also had a big gap between my teeth. But I had a friend who had braces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High flutin' baby, let me tell ya. And I took some of his, uh, rubber bands, stole em. And I put em around my front teeth. And I slept that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The garage door is a- as a- You're so tall on the board!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! Make fun of my teeth. You got good teeth. The canines? They bite my lip. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you dry your mouth out? There's different techniques. I'm from the western school of thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can hit Simon from here. It'll squirt out of your like, saliva gland, it'll squirt out like a super soaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You lift your tongue up and there's a thin stream of spit just pouring out of your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fact. I'm hurt. I need more saliva. Yeah. I could never do this as a kid. I was so jealous of the other kids. They could- Are you s- Are you s- Oh jeez!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's horrible. No, it's awful. This is good. Fascinating. You didn't prepare anything. So this is what you get. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I learned to talk in a very strange part of the country. So when I moved away, everyone was like, constantly, what are you talking about? What's a coupon? And they're like, coupon. And I'm like, coupon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourth grade's ten. Third. So I was pretty close. I know. Okay. I was defending you. You looked at me like I was thick when he was a kid. Who, me? Don't even fucking tell me. All of ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of weaning, it's not a word I used a lot before. It's a weird word, isn't it? Do you like the band? I got bullied for using it. Ween. It's like when you kinda work yourself off of something. There's a billboard near my house called Ween Yourself Off The Teeter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Have you seen that? I've seen it. We have a grocery store here called Harris Teeter and it's from their competitor and it has a nipple from a baby bottle and it says, wean yourself off the teeter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought, it's kinda ballsy for, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I wouldn't even think Foodline's taking their business because they're completely different demographics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I can't wait. Not really. Walk in beer room. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Automatic doors. Gas stations have had walk-in beer rooms for- Well, not every grocery store has it. You're making it worse, man. Uh, when you go to the freezer-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on, sir. What are you doing? Freezer aisle. Shut up. Everything in the freezer aisle is dark until you walk there. Lights start coming on. Oh, so they're energy efficient. Sounds like Broadway. Yea. They have a beer sampling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a beer and wine sampling counter bar place. You guys shut up, he just got to the interesting part. I don't think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a trip. We took a trip. We went to San Francisco. Capture event. For Battlefield 1. And, uh, in the hotel lobby, how did this come up? We started talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The broke back mountain bit. Oh, I don't know why. Oh, we were talking about the actors. Like those actors, when they took that role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got the Google element in place. If I didn't love what we do so much, I would put an application over there. It looked like an amazing work environment. Niebs, you don't like working for anybody. I like working for us. You don't have to be the boss over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we started this, when I would go work for someone, I'm like, I want these people to feel like they got the best deal hiring me out of any person they've ever hired. Like, when you got me on your time clock, you are getting your money's worth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you've lost so much money over the years not even knowing it. You're insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simon, I've seen you make so many mistakes. Wow. You know what, and really? So many mistakes. Wow. You gotta have systems in place to prevent mistakes. We're all human, that's why you have systems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was only like one last year. Americans applying for New Zealand? Yes. New Zealand seems like a nice place. No spiders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Alec Baldwin ran down the hallway, he was fast. You know what? No, he wasn't fast. He just wasn't really, really slow. So we should all go to the track and do a 100 meter sprint. 100 meters, oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to know what I observe when you run? What? A man who thinks the only joints that move are your hips. It's like your knees and ankles lock and your hips go. And your knees and ankles just stay still. That's what I picture. That's what you picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A real situation like this, I've experienced. Uh, I was in New Orleans. It was daytime, I went to a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was amazing! Cause this, this thing you can't mess up. You just gotta run your fingers over it. You can mess it up. If you're off beat. Yeah. Okay, but listen. But she did okay!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to be her so bad. Pick me next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfection, right? Okay. Alright, Neebs? I think someone else should experience this. Well, you're the one that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do go. I need to, I need to scrunch a little bit now. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Okay. Okay folks, so we're gonna end the podcast with a round of Cards Against Humanity. Your favorite game. We all got fi- I don't think it's a bad game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just when you ask me if I want to go mountain biking or play cards with too many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, but there's gonna be good stuff that is not gonna be in the video. This is gonna be one of the first times that we're putting out content that you can only get on iTunes. So we're holding back. Well, we're not holding back. I'm gonna throw it out. Sounds like we're holding back. Isn't that good? Don't we want people to download this because it helps us? And it gives them more content?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I mean a couple of little segments. One of the first one's advice and more. Advice and more. Perfect. That, we're gonna recycle that. We'll use that for every episode from now on. There's a question that somebody asked for advice for you. And then there's a couple other things that I- They can't see you pointing. That I thought just were funny. You, Neebs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We're starting off you shitting on me already. Yeah. We're starting off you grumpy already. What did you expect? Alright, so I got a segment here, and this is gonna be advice and more. Okay. So react to it as if you haven't heard it. Oh, wow. I like advice and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should he still talk to her like a friend or just cut off communication? Neebs. Still talk. No, it depends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good way to look at it if you're okay with it, but if you've got a lot of feelings still, and you've got your heart broken, then you might need to say, you know what, I'm gonna distance myself for a bit because I don't want to get false hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, exactly. There's only one advice thing, because believe it or not, like, I looked for a WHOLE 30 minutes, and I only found one question asking advice. Right. This segment is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was advice. There was advice. Alright, will we ever meet? There's another question. Uh, Ritsu Tanaka says, Hey, Uncle Dorale, is there even a small chance that I can get to meet you guys one day? I love an NC, so maybe live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see it. You should watch it. I will watch it. Thank you. You're welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that is one of the, the mores. And is there anything else? Do we have any advice? We gave advice. Dude, one advice. How many times do I have to say? I have one advice comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And more. Yes, and more! Very nice. So anyway, what's the new- Well there's one big news thing. Red Dead 2 is confirmed. At least I think that's big enough to talk about. That's huge news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so anyway, I have a segment, hopefully, oh, I think, I know Nibs is gonna like this, cause I, I mentioned it to him. Okay, and it's called WHAT YOU WATCHIN'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is for the podcast. Right. Meanwhile. What a big deal. And by the way, while he's looking, I want, we want to, when it comes down to, like, in the comments, tell us if you got a good topic. You know, something-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, uh, we- What you watchin'? Duralias, what you watchin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like today, cause mine is kind of a mindfuck, the show that I'm watching now, which I just started watching. But Mr. Robot gives you that, and so does uh, like the TV show that you like to watch that I watch too, Needus. New Girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuller House, that's it. No, The Spader Show. Oh, Blacklist? Blackballs. Blacklist. Blacklist gives you those, oh what the, it's cheesy, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ryder Cup is every two years, uh, it's an American-European thing. So, you know, you got U.S. versus different countries. And, uh, Rory McCrory, I think his name is? Rory McElroy. Yes, Rory McElroy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Rory McElroy, he was, he missed a putt. Okay, he was on the 8th green, he missed like a 12 foot putt, downhill, whatever it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were walking away and he's a pretty big golfer and some guy in the stands gave him shit and was heckling him. So one of these two guys, either McElroy or Sullivan, his partner,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, uh, thanks for listening, guys. We, uh, we love you, and that's it. Yeah. Yep. And download this, cause it's longer and even so much better than what you just listened to. Oh man, long and hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I start the podcast? Yes. Yeaah. Alright, good. Hey everybody, welcome to the Niebzcast Podcast! Uhm, my goal today is to not spill a drink. I see you're holding it with both hands. I got both hands on it. Five and two, five and two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we should do? What? A mud run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, speaking of getting punked. What? We spoke about that, uh, Guardians of the Galaxy, uh, Dorito bag. Apparently that whole thing was a hoax. Really? The Dorito bag that's supposed to be also like a cassette player? Big news channels were covering this. Man. What even real product? Fake news is such a thing these days, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But who knows who did it? It could have been just somebody in their house with Photoshop. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about doing a monthly giveaway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it should be legal. It should definitely be legal. Yea, the war on drug, I mean, marijuana is, uh, one of the, you know, things like crack and things like that definitely kill people. People are still smoking marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't smoke marijuana. You've been around it enough. Yeah. But the thing I wonder is like, we don't live in a state where marijuana is legal. If you are, do you just smell it everywhere you go? Because I don't want to smell marijuana everywhere I go. Not necessarily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks, but it was one day. Right, right, so go on about your glue. So yea, my other job, I was in a room full of machines, sawdust, people with goggles and masks on, nobody talked to each other, you scrape glue off,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The buzzer went, you went and took a break real quick for 10 minutes, went back into the dusty room,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you wanna talk about our stream we had a few weeks ago? Yes. This was fun, cause whenever we stream, we like to, uh, to raid people afterwards a lot of times. Uh, take whoever's in our stream and go to someone who doesn't have any people watching and say, hey, go tell this person we sent you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of times we raid people that are playing the same games that we play. A lot of times. And, uh, this particular night we raided a girl that's a musician that Thick found.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have a clip here of that first moment where she realizes that we've raided her stream, and yeah, check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so there she is, uh, you know, kinda noticing. Yeah. And her energy was just awesome. Yeah. That was a big smile. So she kinda, I think it kinda threw off a bit, but then she got back on track and she started singing the song, the rolling in the deep, and she was killing it. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, there was a couple more moments that were cool. She, uh, well-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, I don't know, my family or somebody, I always just knew this song and we were in, uh, where were we, San Francisco? Yeaah. At a, at a capture event or something. Yeaah. And we're walking back to the hotel and I bring the song up thinking everybody's gonna go, oh yeaah. No. I love that song. Not so much. No one's ever heard of it. What the hell are you singing? Right. So yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it's like this old like Creole, kind of Cajun feel, just a funny song. So everybody in the chat is telling her to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To cover that song. So she starts working it out and trying to perform Tutu on her own. But at the same time she's like trying to call her folks cause she's excited cause all these people are watching. So she was raising money to get like equipment and she was trying to make a music video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky wasn't in Luke Cage, was he? I heard that one good. No, no, that sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he likes it. He's been paid by Vikings to bring this up constantly. I like it cause, uh, for me, the main character is likable, but still...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of a grey area. Dark. But he's good, like I've heard Game of Thrones doesn't have a good guy really except maybe Dinklage is a good guy? He's the- I don't know. If not for Dinklage. I can't have a whole show just full of buttholes. No, he's not a butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he must have some good qualities about him if you like him. But Saul is like just a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a cooking show. Leftovers? Leftovers. See now, one of you, I think it was you, suggested Westworld, and Westworld was a good show. I wish it would have went a little different direction, but I still enjoyed it. Yeah, it was a really good show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we, can we have a good end? I have something. Every summer, I'm like, I'm gonna buy clothes for the summer. Cause I'll have like one pair of shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I don't go, cause I'm just like, editing all the time. And then I end up making that one pair of shorts work the entire summer. Yeah. Maybe you should go instead of watching an episode of Vikings. I need to go, well, I watch Vikings at night when I'm eating, like. Just gonna dress like a Viking. Yeah. I watch shows when I'm eating, I'm getting two things done. I can't shop and eat at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I think there's something wrong with my throat. Why? Like I can't just gulp food down like a pelican like you do, Drowdy. It's like I have to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you do that, Jarellius? Just fell in there. I need to go buy some like t-shirts and shorts now when it's spring. Or thick, if you have any pants I can use for shorts. That can get me started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is fuckin' Terry. Whatever, and she's feeding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I like that. Yeaah, let's go. Hey, good to see you again. Or the negative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. The secret to enjoying family time is to have a safe space away from them. I just would excuse myself and just go lay down somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommies, I've added a show in Vancouver, British Columbia, and I've added a show in New York City and Seattle. Get your tickets now at ChristinaPOnline.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Saatva mattresses. You've heard me talk about Saatva mattress company for what, 15 years now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I believe in this company. I sleep on a Saatva mattress. I sleep on the Solair. It goes up, it goes down, it vibrates, it lights up. It's so good. We also have the Lumenleaf in our guest, uh, our guest area so our guests can sleep on it. And my children sleep on Saatva mattresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it because it's a quality, quality product made right here in the United States of America and you're not paying the extra costs that you would if you went to a regular mattress place. You're not paying for the overhead of a store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of salespeople to dick you around, it's just an honest product at a fantastic price. Do yourself a favor, get a king size mattress right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, go to satva.com slash the shit for $200 off. That's right. $200 off your next satva purchase. S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so fat. I feel like I'm the fattest piece of shit that ever lived and I've really been flogging myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barely. Mine, mine don't. That's lucky. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took the laxative at 4pm because your sister talked me into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 4pm. And on the box of Dulcalax, it says you go in between 6 to 12 hours from the time you take the pill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I did the math in my head and I was like, could be 10pm? Could be 3 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think it, well what do you guys think it was judging by what you know about my bowels?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're both your sisters, like, just do it. Of course Jane's like, just do it. I was kind of unsure of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One in the morning. One in the morning. And then it lasted til 5. I spent the entire night on the toilet. That's how much caca. Thank you so much you guys. So much caca inside of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of crazy how much shit you can hold inside of the body. We know any is a professional caca-holder honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you can carry between 5 to 20 pounds of shit in your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much do you think came out of you? That's a baby. Uh, it was a bowling ball in my stomach when I was talking to your sisters and stuff. I think like a good 10 pounds of shit came out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I had only not shit for like three or four days. Like it was like pellets, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just for the holidays because Christmas is coming. You've actually got some rest and everything. I did, I slept a little bit the next day, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty great, man. I like the one where the guy's like, what do you do for a living that you drive this nice car? Oh, yea, yea, yea. The guy's like, actually, fuck my asshole with my face. That's a fun one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you, or was, one woman was just in Washington Square in New York in judo titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was just wearing like a coat and just watching people and she could move. She wasn't hunched over. And the guy was like, what do you do? What did you do with your life that you're, you know, and she's like, well, I have interests that I stay interested in and I do hobbies and I have friends. And you're like, that seems to be the universal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well people like to cite friendships as being the most important. A lot of people have said that on those TikToks. Take chances! Friends! Oh, take chances. You gotta have a little risk!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was amazingly positive and I have a Charo update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her diet consists mainly of a toddler diet of french fries and chicken nuggies. Took her to a fancy restaurant. She ate one and a half salads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is going on with you? Are you taking pot? Like what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've also learned the secret, you know, with Christmas coming up, the secret to enjoying family time is to have a safe space away from them, stay in a hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See you later. Yeah. And also, uhm, cause you know, your sister's very into like doing a lot of things in a day and she's like, okay, one o'clock we're gonna have lunch, five o'clock we're gonna have dinner. And I was like, no, no, no, we're gonna do one thing. I do one thing a day with the kids. We don't do five things. Yeah. Just one thing a day. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then also, I really took a paid from my father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it, but I feel like guys do it in the form of watching football. You guys avoid interaction by pretending to be into this four hour football game. And I just go lay down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The holidays are the busiest time of year, so don't get stuck worrying about shipping orders. Let ShipStation do the heavy lifting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So even if they bought the wrong size or color, they'll still have a great experience. Seriously, as a business owner, you have to automate everything that you can and ShipStation makes everything so easy. You gotta try it out. It's super easy to automate shipping tasks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And manage orders and returns in one simple dashboard. You can quickly and easily update crucial order information and reduce errors. ShipStation has effortless integration everywhere you sell online including Amazon, Etsy, eBay, Shopify and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simplify and automate your shipping no matter how big your business grows with industry leading discounted rates from companies like USPS and UPS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let your customer shop risk free this holiday with ShipStation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to ShipStation.com slash YMH day and sign up for your free 60 day trial. That's ShipStation.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but they were shooting out the free t-shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're really, now you're, you know, I mean, we have a family member who's just a runner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was talking to him about it and like I, it really is a personality type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a picture of you on the day of the race. Would you like to see it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's better than I've ever done. I mean, that's pretty fucking impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I went walking with a friend just around Lake Austin here last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? You're just running from the devil in here. That's gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I really loved, uhm, when we were at that Orlando game, was watching people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go absolutely batshit crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, people go bananas for, and they're not great. You know, I don't know what those t-shirts were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's uhm, we had a Gary Cannon comic friend of ours from, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Los Angeles, he used to work in Burbank and he would do warm-up, crowd warm-up for sitcoms. And he said, he's like, they didn't care for my jokes. The audience never gave a fuck about my jokes. But the minute I was like, who wants the free stuff? People go bonkers. Yeah, there's the element of being chosen. But then when you get schwag, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so, and I can see the allure of being chosen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, did I ever talk about this on the show, forgive me if I'm repeating myself, that there's this lovely story about a homeless man who gets on a subway in New York City, and he just starts doing, he's like a crazy guy, and he just starts choosing people on the subway, he's like, you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not you. Not you. Not you. You. And the person that was on the subway was like a story that was in a book maybe. And they're like, the desire to be chosen was so strong inside of me. Like, to have this homeless guy choose me was like everything. And I'm like, gosh, that's so human. That's so true. You just want to be chosen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much, uh, this is full circle now, much like to my laxative discussion earlier, I should have stuck to my, my intuition was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do this, dummy. It's 4pm. You're gonna start shitting in the middle of the night. But the pressure of your sisters, and your sister's a nurse, so I believed her. She's like, let's f***in' do it. Let's f***in' do that. And I was like, alright, I'll do it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I felt happy cause I, they applauded my decision. See? And yeaah. And I, fucking idiot! I should have been like, no. Exactly. I'll put the, thank you. I'll put the, I'll take these at midnight. That's exactly. And then I'll wake up at 6am and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want it to appear like one of the guys. One of the gals. I'm accepted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so unique in that we don't, like you said, we don't have to clear anything with the FCC. No. We don't have to even, uh, talk to, you know, the big bosses. We are the bosses. So we make the stuff that we know is funny and you guys are gonna like, which is huge, which is why we do it. Yeah, it's pretty great. Cause like, everything sucks. It's on TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they marched in with it. That was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like it. I like the titles. He called it cra- everything is titled crazy, like the word pussy is so much better than the word vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, will you mind looking up the track listing for Andre 3000's new fluid album? Speaking of black people who can sing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really feel- it feels nice. I- I really like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and by the way, like the most sensical, sensible, sensical one, and then it gets crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm into this. Is that on iTunes, when I bring it up on my phone, it won't show the whole title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slobs. Let me tell you, I was at the hotel pool with our kid the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told all those Russian families down there at the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, what are you doing, homie? Like, that's, that's this tribe. That's this tribe. She doesn't give a fuck about shit. This is my tribe. I'm so sorry. I apologize. Can you believe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that, the truth. It's like the simplest thing I always do on my TikTok, people love, and the things I put lots of thought into, just fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you're very famous on TikTok as well. Are there, what are the perks? Are there TikTok tramps? Is there perks? That slide into your DMs? Are you a married guy? Are you single?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't, I don't actually click who liked me to see who they are. Oh really? Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just found out about this because I was talking to an airline employee and she's like, yeah, we have to watch videos on that type of safety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so what do you think he did? This is all, now this is the tricky part Trevor, I, might I warn you, just, it's not, it's never what you think it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, he's into tattooing because he can draw tattoos, that looks like tattoo art, if I'm not mistaken. He's got a lot of tats on his hands, his face, he's in that culture. I'm gonna go with drugs, crystal meth or something, like maybe he was high on meth and he robbed like a liquor store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really sad. Can I say something? This guy is a stone cold killer. He killed his family. He killed like a sibling or something. This guy is dark. I'm telling you don't fall for the cute teddy boy act. That's what I learned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's manipulative. Oh shit, there he is! Yeaah, he does look like Jeremy Allen White! Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Good call, dude. Wow. That was perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe did he like, does he, does that mean like you hit the cop or you try to like assault? Like you hit somebody aggravated DUI?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he just did some bullshit, like he stole something out of a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm Christian. That means he's definitely compensating for some dark shit. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's vain because he's taking the shirt off and he's showing you his muscles. He's totally a narcissist, like checked out. So this kind of guy can kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amanda Vines did stand up as a child at the Laugh Factory and you can tell what at age, you know, seven or eight, you're like, this girl's got so much talent. Like even her timing was great. You know, her parents probably helped, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean. Getting somebody else sick. Okay, can I, can we, can we read more? Sorry about her charge. I'm just curious because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Entering a dwelling while posi- so she went in to kill-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, a guy fucked her over. He'll have no fury. Some guy fucked this bitch over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's again, I was going to say, if you'll notice the common denominator, the eyebrows get thinner and thinner and weirder and weirder and more and more penciled in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I would never commit to tattooing anything on my face. Even like, eyebrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what if, you know what I mean, like what if you change your mind one day and you're like, I don't like that shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's uhm, yeaah, I don't know if I'm on board with this, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the person that bought it, I was, I had a meeting with that person. At their house? At their house. They tore it down, redid the house, changed the address, obviously. You can do that? You can do that. Now the real question is why, right? So I was sitting down, very nice person, and I go, I just have to ask you, why on earth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, well, it turns out, um, land where people get murdered on gets pretty good discount. So I got a really good deal on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Nine Inch Nails record Trent Reznor rented the house out too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some dark vibes. Could you sleep there at night though? I'd be so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what happened to Vine? Why did it die? It seems like it was hugely popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cool. You're such, I mean, how old, do you mind if I ask how old you are? Yeah, like you grew up purely digital and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Tom2, we're like the last of the analog generation. I didn't have a cell phone or send an email until I- what? I sent my first email when I was 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have your brain formed in Vine, your brain's literally been formed in apps, in the iPhones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you gauge, like, oh, that bit did well on TikTok, that'll really crush and stand up? Like, do you ever try a joke out on TikTok and then take it to stage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so unique that your brain can work both as a stand-up comic and that world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny is that, um, girls, like when we do specials, you can't do anything weird like that really. It can't be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it has to be related to being a lady. It's so funny cause every time I- cause I tried to submit like a normal title, comedy title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and it became that later, cause we were like, but what about, like, what's, like, who are you, what's your name? And you're like, oh, you need like a Mormon title?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say something? We've had so many pee drinkers over the years on this show. They've never been a guest. I mean we feature them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Science overwhelmingly agrees that urine is not safe or healthy to consume. Despite what dramatic survival movies suggest, drinking urine isn't even a good way to hydrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the breakdown of why you should never drink urine. It's a potent combination of salts and chemicals that your body is attempting to remove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. Mandy Mayhem, she was on my show just recently. I don't know where my mom's at. She, they planned it and so he drank a lot of water 24 hours prior to her drinking his piss. Fresh out of the tap and she went from like farm to table dude, like right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she just was kind of like, I did it. It was okay. And I was like, well, what was it, like, what did it feel like? She was just kind of warm, like, hum is warm. And I was like, yeah. And it didn't taste a whole lot because it was green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. No, no, she's not comics. Sorry, she's done comedy sketches, but she's a rapper, Mandy Mayhem, and she's a rapper. Yeaah, she's on TikTok and Instagram. We can find her everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you would die? Wait, you would starve to death, right? Like for malnutrition. Cause you can eat poo. Dr. Drew's told us you can eat poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but the nutrients have been taken out theoretically because it's been digested and digested by the time it's to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, should we ask Dr. Drew what happens how long before you die from it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would kill you. It's someone else's cuckoo that will leave you stray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, you know what's interesting is that Dr. Drew, we should have been more specific. We're like, can you eat poo? The question is, can you eat somebody else's poo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can eat your own poo. This is the linchpin to the whole thing. You just can't eat somebody else's poo. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, Trevor. Look, you meet your dream girl. She's your dream girl. I mean, this is it. She just, she does everything you love. She gargles your pee. She gargles your pee. But her one thing, she's like, once a year you need to eat my poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent a lot of time with a five and an eight year old. So, I know I can tell you- Get them on rumble. I can tell you about pickle and peanut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look for other stuff. Maybe in the next video there's people getting hurt the way you like or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff. I don't know. Try it out. Maybe there's always something for everybody. Just look in these cubes. Where's? Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you make the obesity epidemic a real symptom of capitalism, you are not only ostracizing fat people from anti-capitalist thinking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real? And this is 69 minutes. If you give us an hour, you'll miss nine minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? It's Tom Segura and I'm bringing my tour Come Together to Los Angeles for the Netflix is a Joke Festival. I'll be at the Kia Forum on May 9th. Tickets go on pre-sale this Thursday, December 14th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like it. I do, I like, you know what I like the most though about the Christmas is, I'm serious, I like the way you feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the holiday, the Christmas season, I think makes everybody feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's joyful. It's like you, you feel more gratitude. You know, I, I think you, like you, you, you're thinking about other people. That's a first for you, definitely. First time in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking more like arctic places, you know, like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scandinavian places. Misery. Yea, it gets really cold there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can't imagine wanting that. That'd be a cool thing to experience for a day or two, be like, wow, this is like what this is like, you know, but to actually inhabit that, I don't think I want to be a part of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had the opposite experience. I went to Anchorage on tour and it was midnight and it looked like noon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you just like, you look up and it's just a bright sky. You're like, it's midnight right now? This is nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he has a page where he just does shit like this. This is my screen. This is my... He's a TikToker, as I'm saying. I don't remember if he's a TikToker or not, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It only, by the way, I mean if they, I wish there was like a documentary about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For yeeeers. I've been like, good for you. And you were like, I don't want to look like some fucking dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, yeaah. But more importantly, you're embracing some strength training.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. You know what else I would have been begging for years for? Let that leg hair grow. Let that armpit hair grow. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Swimmers do that, shave their whole bodies down so they're smooth like dolphins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wear the swim cap, cover it in your hair if they have hair on their heads, and then that's it. No more hair anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, they don't, you know, your pubes are covered by that skin tight speedo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yeah. And then he's got like size 16 feet, so it's like, he's got like flippers, you know. That's amazing. He was designed for swimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing she ever thinks about. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I saw this, obviously Chris Hansen was, you know, he hosted To Catch a Predator, and he's doing his own version of that show now, which I wish we had, do we know the name of it by any chance? What his show is called? Let me pull it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take down with Chris Hansen is what it's called now. So that's, that's his. God bless Chris Hansen. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, but hearing him say that brought back the memory of a few weeks back when we had the Senator reading the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's like, kinda makes you want to, uh, hear them together, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna suck and lick on your pussy until you squirt in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing, like, over the eyes, and he's like, your cock in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody hear that? Try your strap on dildos up in my asshole and it hurts. Is that a nice thing to say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody busted their ass here. We've literally worked on this for four months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's finally coming out on Friday. We're all going to be watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the same time, uh, if you're, if you're gonna watch, we'll be hashtag 69 minutes on Twitter, on X, excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we'll be posting stuff about it everywhere, but we're super stoked. We hope you join us. It'll be, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be on ymastudios.com. Get your tickets. And I hope you enjoy it. I hope you laugh your ass off. We laughed so much making this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody worked really, really hard. So thank you to everyone that participated. Thank you to the whole staff here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah. It's, it's very, very exciting. It's very funny. There's a trailer out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've probably gotten, seen the messages about it, but please join us and let us know what you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is your, uhm, I was told your, what is it, your vacation stuff? You wanted to show me something? Dumb tourism?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because when it's mandatory that like, hey, Top Dog, his photo is everywhere, that's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds completely insane, but it's true. It's called hostage tape, and it sounds like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can think of scenarios in which I would use it. That's probably what you're thinking, like, eh, there's people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what it's for. It's to shut your fucking mouth. Uh, you sleep better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When your mouth is closed, promotes nasal breathing, which is healthier and of course less disruptive. I sleep with it. I got the broad next to me to sleep with it and we're happier and we're sleeping better and honestly,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could give it to so many people to wear around the clock. I am, I'm traveling on the road right now. There it is. I bring it with me. Hostage tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put it over your dumb fucking mouth and then it doesn't open. You can still open your mouth and it comes off. Don't think it's like duct tape. Anyways, go to hostagetape.com slash mom. Gets you some. Keep that mouth shut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know. I know. There is this thing. I know. Here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like this appealing, attractive quality in someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, you know what I mean? It's, it's this, it's toeing the line of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm a risk taker. Uh, I'm fun, I'm adventurous. I'm not just scared of everything. And you go, oh, that's kind of inspiring. Someone who's not scared of everything. Someone who, who will seek things out. And you're like, yea, and it all, it's all great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until it turns dark too early and you're lost and then really bad things happen and then they go, she was really adventurous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was so sweet and then she just, she made one big oopsie and then they disemboweled her on the Pamir Highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Abolishing Soviet numbering of highways and assigning their own national numbering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can be beautiful. I can see the beauty. I mean, like, that is a beautiful shot. And that is, I'm sure that would be breathtaking to see in person. I'll just take the photo, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's probably also some of the worst things you can imagine are possible on the Pamir Highway, you know, just running into the wrong group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go, two American cyclists among four dead in Tajikistan, claimed by ISIS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, this city is not exactly as inspiring as we had hoped for. It's very grey and there's a lot of pictures of this short chubby guy everywhere. But anyway, the food's alright and it gets dark and there's people tailing us kinda going everywhere we go and telling us that we don't have much time left. We'll see how it goes next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I prefer just, you know, let's just, I don't know, get into the Christmas spirit, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you shut the fuck up while you're at it? I think that's the person that cut this one down. And then she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, can you make it bigger? I wonder what they change though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, so now it says, time stand with you is paradise. It used to say, I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice. So he's warming you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it says I'll call the car and tell him to hurry. So he's like, Uber's on the way. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daddy will be, hold on, my father will be pacing the floor listening to the fireplace. He's trying to distract. Distract you. And now it's, my daddy will be pacing the floor. Wait, what are you still living home for? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like now he's at least addressing what you're saying as opposed to distracting you. So it used to say, uh, so really I'd better scurry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful, please don't hurry. And now it says. Oh, he's telling you, you can confirm when he gets here. Ask him his name and also his license plate number is LCX1241.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's, what will my friends think? I think they should rejoice. God, this is so gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, alright, the next line, hold on, the next line is, say what's in this drink? No cabs to be had out there. So he's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it says, if I have one more drink, and then it's your body and your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I knew how. Your eyes are like starlight now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's, uuuh, you really know, yeaah, your eyes are like, oh they kept that. To break this spell, I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell. Uhm, now it's to cast a spell, one look, and you and I fell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I have to say no, no, no, sir. Mind if I have, mind if I move in closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it says, I ought to say no, no, no sir. And then, then you really ought to go, go, go. So why don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least I'm gonna say that I tried. What's the sin of hurting my pride? Oh, now it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least I'm gonna say that I tried. Well, Murray, he just pulled up outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I mean, in the end of the original, like, how does it end?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now it's, baby, just go, it's cold, baby, it's cold, but ooh, I don't want to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you pull up, uh, Melanie Shaw?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That face is crazy, right? What happened to her? Look at the one flexing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, it says disfigured with teeth knocked out, or teeth got knocked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look at her knuckles right there, the holding the mic. You see those? Those are totally swollen right after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did we by the way cover what a great guy I am?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I was at the airport a few weeks ago. Found a purse on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was just thinking about it. Like, I just don't feel like I was kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get out and on the ground underneath the vehicle that's dropping me off, I see a strap and I pick it up and as I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start wha- I- I realized it's a purse and the strap is detached. Uh, one of the curb side


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baggage guys reach and he's like, hey, I'll take that gun, get the fuck out of here. So I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wouldn't, I would, I never trust anybody who goes, I'll take it. Yeah, I have a zero trust policy on that. So I was just like, I got it. Uhm, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walk inside and he follows me inside. No. Yeah. Cause I was taking my bags, you know, I had my roller and I had my backpack and my coat and then I have this additional purse and I walk in and I unzip it because I want to see like whether the contents, you know, looking for an ID. I turn over my shoulder, he's following me inside. Almost like, are we going to chop this up? Like what's going on? You know, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I take out the ID, I get the idea. I'm like, all right, first of all, this person, like they lost their,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, alright, what should I do? So I take a photo of her ID and then I do a post on Instagram and I'm like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I just tell the story and then here's the idea of this person, here's their name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I also have to go in myself, like, so I put the purse in my unzip my bag, I stuff it in there, go through security, go towards my gate, I go to the lounge, and when I'm at the lounge I open my phone up, and I, of course I'm bombarded with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joke. Comments. They're like, it's my purse. Give it to me. And all the, you know, like hundreds of people writing this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she messages me and she's like, Hey, it's my purse. And I look at the name. I'm like, Oh, this is her. And she's like, can you, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you come outside of security so I can, because I miss my flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. Cause I had to, you know, I had to do all the security.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go through. Yeah, but I'm like, yeah, I go. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I grab my stuff, and I start heading towards...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uhm, to leave the lounge. And I just look again and she's like, actually my friend is through, she'll come get it from you. And I go, what's your friend's name? Tells me the friend's name. And then as I'm leaving the lounge, this lady's like, are you Tom? I go, yea. Confirm her name. And she's like, yea dude, this is fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go, here's the, you know, and she's like, yeah, we're going to try to make our flight. And I figured that's that. I'm like, okay. So now, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sit back down, so, you know, I've handed it over, I sit back down, and I'm like, okay, now I have like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm rolling my bag to the escalator and who's coming up is the lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, we missed my flight, but they put us on another flight, so we have another flight, we're just gonna hang out. And she was super thankful, so nice. And uhm, no, it was just like a cool moment, you know, that she was able to get her stuff and get on the flight. Was she hot? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice lady, respectful lady, went nothing like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the point is, it's not, I don't want to have to ask for it. You guys should know to do that. Now I'm, now it looks like- That's on us. Yea, now I have to be like, oh, where's my, you know, how come I'm not being honored?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I hate to have to point it out, but it's like now, by the way, don't even think about doing it now. Now it'll mean nothing. I'll throw the cake in your face. But the next time I do something like that, which will happen again, cause I'm that type of person, you guys need to step up as a whole staff, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not enough. It should be more like a, like a... I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Headshot kind of thing, like a, you know what I mean, like a hand on the, and then, like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it should be like, you know, a banner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I hate to ask for it. I hate to ask for it. I just feel like if you guys had any sense to you, that would already be happening. And there should be a cake, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just kinda did what I think anybody would do. I don't want, I don't want all this like, attention for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back, and we are always excited to welcome back this guest who has a new album out right now called Ram. Give it up for Wheeler Walker Jr. everybody. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always good to see you. Uh, thanks for coming in. Just for people that don't know. Which, how many albums is this now? Four? That's the fifth one. Fifth album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, but I get that. We were talking about where to piece out from, like where would you go? Where's the ultimate? What was your answer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can actually, you could fucking get a nice spot, you know, you really could depending on, on the real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just, it's always geographic, right? So it just depends on where you want that spot to be. Like in Florida, I can point you to extremely expensive real estate on the beach. Sure, yea, that's kind of like everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It peaked, it got real crazy, but that was actually a while, it's come back down to reality a little bit, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always feel like so many girls that wear just their cowgirl boots though, they look like kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're drunk. Yeah, drunks are the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it like right next to a police station or something? Cause he keeps doing this thing where he posts him with the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been laughing at me. He blocked all of us. Really? And then he turned off his comments, like just shut down comments on his social media. Sometimes he opens them back up, but a lot of times they're off now. So what was the story I heard that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I happen to meet, I'm trying to be, um, you know, I don't want to give away


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The exact details of this but what I can tell you is somebody who knows him quite well


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is somebody I ran into. And it came up. Brad Pitt? Uh, no, but it's somebody who... Would that be funny if Brad Pitt and then Garth Brooks hung out? That would be actually hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person goes uhm, I was like, it came up because it was, he knows, he's so well connected to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, uh, he came to my show and I was, you know, I brought it up and, and as we're talking about it, I'm like, does he know? And he's like, yeah, of course he knows. And, um, I asked like, how does he take it? He goes, he's confused by it, doesn't get it, like doesn't get it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but also like, I'll, we won't bring up his name now for like, it doesn't, that thing has taken off on its own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the next time I ran into this dude, I guess he had turned a little bit from like, I'm confused by this, to like, hey, I don't like this shit that this guy's doing. Found out who I was and he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Garth, when people bring it up to him, shows them the video of me breaking my arm and like falling, trying to dunk, and he goes, karma. Oh that's fucking awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this thing, you know, this thing got enough legs on its own now, where sometimes I'll see, somebody will tag me in the comments of something and it'll be a complete, like something not comedy related,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. Yeaah, it's like they're just, they want it, they want more of it. You know, like, I think the thing, you know we've talked about things like this, how the easiest way out of this whole thing, like if you're him and you're desperately like, I want this to end, is just to do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he held up, uh, like, we love you guard sign, and then he dropped it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's on like the, you know, there's like 80,000 people there and it made it on, onto this, to the Jumbotron and then they cut away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, only guy, I think the only guy in your business that's still like, hey, we got a new CD DVD set coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the horns. So like dun dun dun. I'll go pfft pfft pfft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I just had like a bunch of fart noises. And also like, this would obviously be an easier thing for someone proficient with it, like I had no experience. So I'm like on GarageBand and it's like, and I wanted to take different farts so there's some variety, not the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, somebody, please tag Gloria as much as we can. Gloria Stefan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just did, and it's like, every day we would go on Twitter and we'd be like, we'd see how many times we were tagged, like, look, a hundred people are fucking tagging this, or more, or whatever, and retweets and retweets, and then one day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She responds. And we're like, huh? And we're like, can we set up a phone call?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And shit, and they're like, yes. And then we get a number we call and like, we get to talk to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also it's like, it's the combination of her with all those, all the songs and royalties and all that. I mean, look at the fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the net worth of, I was gonna say, I was gonna say the combination of the two, right? Because like, he produced a bunch of stuff. What the fuck am I doing wrong? That's a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But who's her husband? I don't know who her husband is. Emilio Estefan. So I think he produced a lot of their stuff back then. Uhm, right? Like he, does he have a, if you have that drop down, that first one, might even have his. How did Gloria get so rich? Well, it's like, it just has them coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shot does. Uhm, yeaah, do it Emilio, oh there it is, hit his wiki. Cause like, his background I feel like is in producing if I'm not wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a real talent, this guy. Uhm. But you had a good call with him? Fantastic! And scroll down to their, like, uh, their business interests because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, he's a producer, he also produced other people, it looks like. Jennifer Lopez, Martin, he produced various events, shows, scroll a little more. Here we go. So, they own businesses, restaurants, uh, Miami Beach, downtown Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's something. By the way, I wanted to read your, uh, I wanted to read your track list from the new album, Ram. Side A, if you get the vinyl. Born to Fuck, Money and Bitches, Dump Truck, Sniffer's Row, Skanks for Nothin',


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puddin', finger blast, fuck this job, who the fuck, and credit card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, can you? I mean, balls, balls, sometimes, sometimes you go to pee. You don't know this. Sometimes you go to pee, and when you, before you pee, you're like, ooh, that ball, like you can smell your own balls, you know? That happened to me at the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, Wheeler, is this, is this horrible or hilarious? I'll show you a video. You tell me if it's funny or just sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess he was trying to jump over all his friends and none of them looked at the fact that there's a ceiling beam that's pretty low. You know? That's pretty low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know the answer to that. Are these teenagers? Yeah. Uh, no. He's hurt. It hurts. But he's gonna recover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sometimes we see one of these videos and we're like, well, that guy's dead. You know? This is not dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty great. He was, if you're listening, his dog ran out and then he fell off the stairs out front and, uh, well, you can kind of hear the rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good to have the awareness. To be like, I need alone time now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we've been like totally, have you heard about this guy, Kevin Leonardo? No. So this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We couldn't believe that this was on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's on YouTube and it was like, you know, there's things that make their way to like Instagram or YouTube, but it's like, hey, you better watch this before it gets taken down. Like you can just tell like this has a clock running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this one, just so you know, is not a joke. This is on YouTube. It has tens of millions of views, and it's not coming down. Like, and we checked, and they're like, oh yeah, yeah, no, this is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so this is how to remove hair from your asshole with Nair. And it's considered...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Education. I was gonna say, maybe he said it was instructive. Yeaah, it's instructive. And, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sure as hell is teaching me. And YouTube, YouTube contacted, like, we asked, and they're like, yea, this falls under these guidelines. So yea, you reported. We didn't report, we just go, cause like, we go, can we show this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we noticed that it's up and it has 40 something million views. And they were like, yeah, this, there's a art, there's like documentary and there's education. And if, if YouTube deems it in this category, it doesn't fall under the same guidelines and rules as something that isn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. And is this the dirty version? Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you should see, like, when you, when you, can you pull up his, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it called, like the list of videos, you know, like his, um, his library. Cause it'll be like, I was in a car accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink this to make your cum yummy. Like, it's like, the weirdest back and forth. Uhm, okay, so, hit videos, if you would, and then, you know, the titles. Penis, balls, butt crack, and pits. How I keep mine hairless. We know how. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see that. Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Like, I don't support Hamas and Innocent Deaths. How to make bigger loaves that taste YUMMY!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I stepped out, did not get to buy the pizza delivery, like what in the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in there, like you literally click the video and his dick is in there. He's like, don't judge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what we, that's what was our whole inquiry. So we actually ended up making a couple with nude models. But we had Dr. Drew come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we asked them and they were like, yeah, so, yeah, then he just, there he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if you actually, if you watch the whole thing, Drew actually jacks him off at the end, but they don't know it's like an Easter egg in there, you know? Does he really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the girl was just, that was just a breast exam, right? Yeah, that was this one. You don't need to see the girls. Yeah, that's why we're all here. Nobody gives a shit about balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that I- A lot of people got mad at me when uhm, when we first posted the dick and balls one. I used a photo of this girl and then I linked that video and they were like, where the fuck are the tits? They're like, I'm just watching this guy fall. Cause we did them like a week apart. People were like, you just got me to watch this guy fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, uhm, are you, are you touring right now or are you taking a chill break?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not know about Nashville, Indiana. No, I've been to some like absolutely small, like odd markets. Um, yeah. And you hit cities, you're like, we're, I don't even know where this is, but that's one I didn't know existed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like it. That sounds like it. Uhm, so you're gonna hit, how long will this tour be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like my, this tour that I'm going on is like a, usually a Thursday, Friday, Saturday thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done the rhyming a number of times and it's great. This time I'm doing Bridgestone. Oh wow. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. That'll be my first time doing it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but like last tour was like what we were talking about. It was like, first show was Tuesday and then you would do like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. It's too long. It's too much. So now it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. You gotta like, you, I would always say when on, on things like that, I always tell them, if they go, well, you know, all they have is the Wednesday, I'm like, well then find a Saturday. Yeah, there are Saturdays. Yeah, make it, make it later in the year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, what? We sealed them. And I'm like, nah dude, you gotta, you can't do that. So disgusting. So gross. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's, let's, let's be honest, there's a lot going on. Yeah, I was gonna say it's more than that. The eyes are black. The face is tattooed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she, she like has done all this shit, but you could tell she was pretty face. The tat is wild though. Yeah, that was pretty crazy. It really covers so much of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so. I mean she took each side of her split tongue and put it through two holes that she had made on either side of her upper lips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, I still think you should consider doing that. And getting my head shaved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't act like it's never happened to you, everybody. That's, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've sharded. I didn't have two coffee servings between midnight and 4am or whatever it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about my big black asshole? It is pretty dark in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, I think we did. Sorry. God, I wanna move on from this. This is so revolting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I kind of feel like it's too perfect though. Her, her bitching, where, you know what I mean? I don't know. Now the seatbelt's too tight, I feel like this was manufactured. Maybe, but I feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that, that is real. That's fucking real. That's very, very upsetting and disturbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the way down, yeaah. That was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can get tickets when they do come out at wheelerwalkerjr.com. Uhm, you're gonna take us out on a song, and the song is... Let's do, uh, Fuck This Job. Fuck This Job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, Wheeler Walker Jr. is taking us out. Go ahead and mute our mics, and we'll see you guys next week. Thank you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched an episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Replace them in like cubes or squares or whatever it is. Just click another one. Maybe you'll find one you like. Or someone will get hurt and everybody likes that. Don't forget to subscribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously though, they're very important for temperature and airflow control and are staples enough to even be used in places like large airports and have models that are primarily designed for their artistic or theatrical impressions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna build this beautiful mason jar with my beautiful Orin. Which is medicinal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find it so cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern mens work leaders base their branding off of like Spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or, you know, we're the, we're the samurai brotherhood, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have my dad's dick. Have my dad's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four hours later when we got to the city, we were 50 kilometers away from the border and he told us to get out of his car. We shouldn't have paid him until we got to our destination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you claim to be like a Spartan samurai brotherhood, it's like, the samurai were sniffing each other's balls. The Spartans were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cuddling and sucking each other's nipples before battle on animal skins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find it so cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern mens work leaders base their branding off of like spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or you know, we're the samurai brotherhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When really they could be leeching good high vibrational brotherhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vibrations into each other's ballsacks through cupping, which is exactly what the Spartans did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you claim to be like a Spartan samurai brotherhood, it's like the samurai were sniffing each other's balls. The Spartans were cuddling and sucking each other's nipples before battle on animal skins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cowboy cut, relax fit, George straight edition jeans and kind of a nice medium blue here. Got my Justin star belt on here as well with my initial T on my big buckle here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house, uh, she's Christine, I'm Tim, we're here and we're ready to rock and roll with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very excited, uh, it's been a lot of fun last few episodes. I just realized there's, uh, the blind shit fucking guy right there. Shit eyes. Or shit eyes, Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody has a gift. Everybody has gifts. And uhm, I can just, yeaah, I can just wait it out a little bit. No, I also have right now moments where it's like, no, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, sometimes it's a regular and it's just like, this is it, this is last call. I didn't take it because somebody didn't fucking do their job and that's you. That's your job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can somebody bring in a glass, please? I have the water and some Metamucil and something to stir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ruin it for the kids. Spoiler alerts. If you're out there, I'll say this though. You should give it a watch. You really should. You know why? Why? If anything, cause some people are gonna like it, some people are not, just like any film, but it is not your standard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just blueprint of another movie where you're like, I know what's happening in this, like, there's fun, there's surprises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it makes up for that face. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not huge. It's not huge. It's, it's normal. It's a normal, healthy peepee. It's not that, that big. It's not that, that big. You're, you're misleading people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this shit's gonna get a little accelerated today, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's a great actor. He does have a really nice penis. You do get to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but let's give the- Let's give a minute to uh, Salkbrin though, for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you're into like checking out, um, a fucking, like a movie that's going to hit you with unexpected things with surprises, it's a, it's a, she captured, I'll say this without giving away. I'm not going to give away anything about what you're going to see. She captures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uhm, the detachment of the uber wealthy from reality so well. So the characters are really, really well fleshed out. You, you, like, really well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a enjoyable movie. I recommend it. I'm not going to spoil it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once again, there's dicks. So, one dick, but you get to see it multiple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny too. It's what's funny about this lady. I, uhm, I bring up the dick from the shadow scene. She goes, you know, I really didn't notice it. I was, uh, I was kind of not paying attention. Couple days later, she's like, God, seeing that thing in the shadows. You know why? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he just completely talked the way a total detached psychopath would talk about killing. He's just like, well, I had a kind of a bad sense of humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a, I've never heard rattle their cage with a beat someone to death with my rifle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a description of what he did for the Medal of Honor, cause you don't just get it for body counts. But he had, yea, you can't just be like, I killed a thousand people. And they're like, here's the Medal of Honor. He actually has, there's a story of where he got, if you, if you can, if you pull up that source video. Oh, it might be in there as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's the, here it is. Listen to this. Put on my dad shades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turned his radio over to his assistant, disregarding the enemy fire, charged the enemy positions armed only with carbine and a grenade. At the first bunker, he silenced its occupants with a burst from his weapon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who attempted to join him became casualties, Coco Rosser once again exhausted his ammunition, obtained a new supply, and returned to the hilltop a third time, hurled grenades into the enemy positions during his heroic action,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty fucking wild. Well salute sir. We're glad you're on the good guys team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a new year, and like a lot of you, I've set goals. One of my goals is to just keep being healthier. Eat better food, higher quality, better for me. Hungry root is the easiest way to get fresh, high quality food delivered to your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got healthy groceries and simple recipes all in one place. Take a fun short quiz and Hungry Root will get to know you, your goals and how you like to eat. They'll ask you what flavors you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which kitchen appliances you use and more. And then they'll keep your needs and preferences in mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While building your cart with delicious recipes and all your grocery needs for the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't stop talking about the Gouda cheeseburger on a pretzel bun recipe they sent and the zesty chicken tacos. They even sent me little snacks and treats. Right now, Hungry Root is offering your mom's house listeners


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super Bowl 58 is just around the corner and I'm teamed up with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official partner of the NFL, who is gearing up for the big game with a huge offer. Right now, all new customers will get $200 in bonus bets


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get in on the action by downloading the DraftKings app and don't forget to use my promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New customers use my promo code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And bet just $5 on any wager and get $200 in bonus bets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instantly. That's promo code MOM. Only at DraftKings Sportsbook. The crown is yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty insane, but that literally is like, that's pro level shit. I would, I would guess that even five guys wouldn't even know what to do. They'd be like, I don't know, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would reply to this guy, be like, yeah, can we get more details on this story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, here's something. Did you see Soulburn? Please. Yeah. Okay, here's my question. Do you think, cause we kind of just got off the cock topic right away. No, I'm sorry. I need to finish this email though. Do you think he fluffed before his scenes? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From getting up, that's what I'm saying, cause everybody has like, this is the last moment before it raises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you just need a little eye contact too, you just gotta tell you, keep looking at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you want to be erected. You want to be like, hey, I'm going to keep it full for two weeks. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, here's the thing too, it's like, if you're a guy, having with a woman a while and you're super horny, it's still like, you still have to deal with the fact that there's four other guys there. Most guys will be like, yeah, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how do you, how do you do this? He's a twin soul, double soul shaman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the guy, for the regular guy. Like if I married him, that's an honor for me. I'm like, I'm with a double soul shaman, you stupid bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty wild. This guy, we featured him before, you know. Yea, we played him before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The glow, the, the, the, like the tan, like it just, it just, it's so smooth and he just has, he looks like he has great skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can be married to him and you. That's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Google says both. You can do either. Honestly, looking at him right here, if he was like, this is all due to piss, I'd be like, that's a good sales pitch for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if he's doing that, it's really shameful. Because we're all sitting here, you know, learning about your piss and your jizz, thinking it's gonna make us look like you, and now you're throwing filters and makeup on? That's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just did an angle workshop and I fucking, now I'm learning you're wearing goddamn makeup. Hmm. God. Yeah. He looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people who are just like, I'm a medium. I'm uh, you know, I'm uh, intuitive. I, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's customizable and easy to update. It's so easy.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, he said something about the bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also, like, conservatively, I would say that is a hundred million dollar, uh, thing that they built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it is like, it's like you're on set. Yes. They built a completely insane, like set for you to do and you, they walk you through, then they have trained, uh, what are like, not the stormtroopers, but the people that are,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like in uniform for that, for the dark side. They have trained people to do that and they're like, they, uh, they berate the people that come in. They're like, it's not that complicated. Stand on the orange mark. You should be able to do that at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, that part, that actually was incredible. That was incredible. But Dumbo and the teacups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's such a sweetheart. Yeah. Uhm, here you go. You'll kind of like this, I think. This is definitely up your alley. I know you'll like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got dad eyes. Yea, I do have dad eyes. I think uhm, fat athletes deserve representation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I fucking walked into a gym though, and they were like, alright, you're, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, this is fucking insane, man. Yeah, that's fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coach, like fat coaches, you kind of grow to accept, and I think it's upsetting too, when you, if you ever had a fat coach on a team, you're like, get the fuck, because they're like, tired, you guys need to pick up the pace, and you're like, pfft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some offensive linemen, defensive linemen that are freak show athletes. Like crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think she's saying that she probably likes uhm, you know, some sports, and she's, she knows like what you need, maybe the mechanics of things, what you need to do, but my thing would be like, I don't feel like you're a practitioner, like you're not doing it. I don't think so. And she's probably gonna be like, yes I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a comedian, you can get tickets at joderosa.com and check out his sandwich shop, uh, Joey Roses? Joey Roses. Oh, in New York. That's your shop? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was reading it, I was like, I was like, I thought it was like, check out his podcast, Sandwich Shop. You know what I mean? So I was like reading it like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, I think uh, a comic having like a food spot is the move. I think it's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because rates will be much better? Yeah. You signed that long term lease though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we'll get to the foods because there's food things I want to ask you. You jacked off a trans man, is that what I heard? What? Did you jack off a trans man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was that? We have so many, we're so interested. Fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about pieces right before you got here. What kind of piece are we talking about? Perfect. Peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a, uh, uh, flaccid piece? Like was it flaccid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd only, I'd had a few, but nothing crazy in Montreal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember walking out of McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you don't remember the actual year. No, God, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hooked up. Yes. And then did this person perform their trick for everybody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, hefty piece on this. Hefty dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except he wouldn't have gone either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't even remember. Speaking of Bert. Anyway, go ahead, yea. You were there, cause it was like a whole drama that we had, I had Ari on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he brought this up and then Burt called in and then he commented on it. And then we had Joe Liston here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and he comped on it, that you were actually at that, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so they both told their, their truth. Each one of them had their own truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So really, the real end story to all this is that Ari is a fucking shit-ster, because he had to bring it up, and he had to keep bringing it up, and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, is it protruded too? Is it like, you know how it, like it's prolapsed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he is like a toddler where you're like, don't do this. And he's like, okay. That's a dare. It's like a dare, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you have a pod you do with Sal, and you guys have food takes. And I just became informed of a couple of years that I'm curious about. One is that when you did first date with Lauren,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys get into it about tacos? Is this what I have? That this would be your last meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, here's the thing. That's my hope. You're a taco kid? Uhm, choice? I mean, I'm, I'm down. I, I, I love, get, making the shells and the meat and all. Yeah, we do that. That's great. So you do it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's on it, right? Isn't he on it? Or no? Uh. Am I wrong? I don't know. Now I'm like, shit, should I not have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't there also a thing too where like, you know, I mean, most of the time, every time that I've had either people on or been on someone's, they always are just like, hey, if you want me to cut that out or, you know, it's like a conversation you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. They also do this in some of the native communities. Inuit communities will do that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They told us how, like, it's gonna be, like, foul, but like, they're like, it's, you know, this is a genuine, I was like, nah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, this was like a call ahead of time where like they called like an agent or a tour manager and then relayed the message. This would be an authentic, I was like, we can skip that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotcha. But I generally, like, I try to go try everything, but if you're getting like a heads up on like, you'll probably think this is gross, then I'm like, I don't need to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing about that though, on that show, because I've done the show, you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your experience with eating hot foods is usually, if you're having a hot meal, you don't realize how many bites of hot, like if you, if you ever had like a thing where you're like, you have to, you keep eating it, right? And the, and it, that's kind of what makes it so crazy. The thing about hot ones is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you have like a crazy bite and you're like, holy shit, but that's it. Like it's, the first seven are pretty mild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I, I, I put spice and sauce and shit all the time. I'm just not eating her fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, I uhm, I'm not a big soup guy, you know? I mean, if it's the dead of winter and you're like, you know, it's prepared, sure, but like, she's always having soups, which is gay, it's fucking gay. I like, uh, yeaah, it's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay. It's gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does have some sugar in it. Get the sugar free one. We have it here, I'll give it to you. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, so I heard that Rob Eiler and you headed out about Shake Shack and Burger King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, a restaurant that has fucking 15,000 locations, but that doesn't mean that the quality is better than what you'd find at a Shake Shack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he's reasoning. I like your argument. I like the argument. Even though I think the Shake Shack burger is superior, I like the argument that it's a version of something you can do versus what you probably can't do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a news story where this person found, uh, a burger that was 60 years old. That was, that was like wrapped up and unwrapped it and it looked like it was made earlier that day. That's one of the craziest things that I've ever, I mean, how does that happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York City. What's the sandwich that everyone should try? What should you go get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the dates are there, all the tickets are there. Jodorosa.com and check out Taste Buds podcast with you and Sal Vulcano.