[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be crazy, you know, 40 years ago, 50 years ago. Yes. Because everyone thought wrestling was real then, not because of the retards. The retards. They would have been like, wow, wrestling is real, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was very recently actually. I went to a concert in Brooklyn at this, it's Brooklyn Steel to see, uh, their flaming lips. Oh, I love them. With a group of like five, six people, Ari's with me. And, uh, well, this is, he didn't do anything bad. Oh, um, but we come out and, you know, I'd smoked a little weed, drank a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're looking for a place to go eat and the place lets out and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just minding my own business. We're all like in a little circle and there's a lot of commotion and someone hands me a balloon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take the balloon, and everyone's there, and I sucked it in, and I thought I was gonna speak funny, cause I thought it was a balloon filled with helium, cause that's the only balloon that I know of, that you suck on, and people were sucking on, and I was like, oh this is gonna, everyone's gonna talk like the lollipop kids or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was almost like a, the guy had like a rack of balloons and he was just outside and just pulling them off and selling them. No, no, someone in my party bought them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, then I laughed a lot because then that's what happens. And then I fell and I, and I ripped my jeans open, cut my leg and I bled like, like I haven't since I'm a little kid. You know what? Cut when you're a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show was good. Yeah. Yeah, it was really good. It was fun. They put on a very visual fun show. It was very laid back. It was one of my first concerts after the pandemic. So it was like extra special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see it. He's oil painting worthy in 120 seconds. And then he's all over the place. He's contradicting himself mid-sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Who is his audience though? Well, none of us now. You found him? Yea, before he died. He went viral?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I'm adjusting the volume of my ears. I'm so like this guy, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It's my worst fear. I've known a handful of people in my life that had it and I'm like, this is a tough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had met people after my show the other night, uh, they came with guests of people and one was a plastic surgeon. And the other two were, I think plastic surgeons, but they, they offered me free surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it wasn't like surgery cut you open, there's no cutting. I was like why are they offering us? You know what I mean? They were 50, both of them, they were husband and wife, they were 50. Wonderful, nice people. We ended up going out to dinner after work with a group. When they told me they were 50, I couldn't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy looked like, I said, if someone told me you were like 33 years old, I'd believe it. Really? Yea, I swear to you. And, uh, they said they do this procedure that's called, I'm gonna mess up with rejuvenation or whatever it is, where they, the process is that they make like hundreds of tiny, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. So they like, it's like we, well, they don't say they cut you. They say like they micro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I finally saw my age for the first time after the pandemic. Like I looked in the mirror and I was like, oh shit, like I see like the bags. How old are you? I'll be 46 in November. Oh, you look great, dude. Well, I appreciate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People I hung out with, I mean as a whole, even right now, it was like, we couldn't believe it, like, because Staten Island's a forgotten borough, that's what it's called. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much, we had so much hometown pride. I have more pride in them than I just do as the general geography of Staten Island, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was this fat Joe, uh, came to perform at, on wave street, this little club we had that was like there for decades, shithole club, like little, uh, music venue. And we all went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, he was not coming out and it was getting later and later and the crowd was getting a little restless and everything. And then like after like 90 minutes after he was supposed to be on, some guy comes out from his camp and he's like, yo, fat show is the flu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's not gonna come out. And everyone just starts booing and booing and booing and he walks off and he comes back and he goes, alright look, Thatcho has a flu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for you, he's gonna come out, he's gonna do like one song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, and everyone's just booing, and Fat Joe walks out with the flu, he's got like a towel over his head, and everyone's like, boo, boo, and then he just looked at everybody, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just gets shit on though. It gets shit on because it's got this stereotypical like, you know, mafia, very, very mafia, very conservative. It's blue collar for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the worst of it gets projected the most and it's like that kind of like, do you know who I am? Kind of like, now that those people are everywhere, you know, but I have, you know, some of my best people I've ever met in my life are from there. So it's, it's, I'd say check it out. That's tons of parks, good pizza, good food like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 24-7-365. Wow. Yeah. Used to be like 50 cents when I was little, but then they, that lifted a long, long time ago and they used to be able to bring your cars on there, but not after 9-11. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't cross anybody's mind. Cause when you don't drink it for a while and then you pick it up and you sip and you're like, oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a tea guy. You were just talking about that. So I'll have coffee like after like a meal at a restaurant, I'll have like a cappuccino or something. If I'm really dragging it, it doesn't affect me too much with like caffeine, but I hope I wished it did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have like a rack of like all like 20, 30 different teas in the, in the kitchen. And then I bought this great mug that keeps it hot for like eight hours. And I put the lid on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this way I don't have to drink, cause what I find is when I drink my tea, uh, really you pour it and then you have like, there's only like a window of like five minutes where it's the perfect temperature. It's too hot and too cold. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. So what I do is I put it in this thing and then I, you can't sip it though right away cause then you'll, you'll kill yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would have to imagine yes because I think any strong relationship leads with the heart. Yeah, I think it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We learned that early because we would put up a battle and half the people would be like, what's Stelladoro? People didn't know devil dogs. Devil dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might be misremembering, but I feel like the Ring Ding had a Ding Dong counterpart, and I think, I really do think, and I don't know how this is possible, but I think there was another one called a King Dong. King Dong? I think, I really do think that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, every, every confection, candy, all that, everything that we argue was better when we were younger. It's all gotten smaller with less good ingredients and tastes cheaper and crapier. Oh my god. Yes, Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said it like that was in the handbook though. I think it is. But I think it's just like you had someone at the counter that was like, you want me to do it again? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like a little bit, they're not really like, they're a little bit better ingredients, they're more money, they're not drive throughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go from where I am. Yeah, yeah, exactly. East coast, yeah. It's Shake Shack. Wow. They got good sh- That's Smash Burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the shit. I agree. Oh, Smashburger is good too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're west coast for life. We were just talking about this because Andrew Santino told me a couple days ago that In-N-Out Burger is not an LA thing. People think it is, it's more for tourists, and nobody in LA really cares where it likes it. What? That's insanity. That's insanity. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many things are not on the menu that you could order besides the animal? It's like fifteen. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it was, it was hard to be a vegetarian back then than it is now. And I remember that, uh, they, people used to tell me, oh, you can get a veg, ask for a vegetarian when you go to McDonald's or whatever. And it would just be, I'd be like, can I get a vegetarian? It's just everything without the meat. So it's the, it's the bread and cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, and then I was like, how could you call this vegetarian? So I ate a lot of those, but that was in high school. 15 to 22 years old. That's a good run, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my next attempt, I'll remember them. Yeah, of course. Of course. My next attempt was my, my parents had, um, my parents, my stepmommy's spaghetti and meatballs and they were like leftovers. And so in the middle of the night, I was like, I'll maybe I'll just try a meatball then. And then went down and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In hindsight, it was, it was so sad, you know, it was like, it was everyone was sleeping and I just had to, just the fridge light was on and I was like, I took it out of a Tupperware and I was like eating with the, I didn't even close the fridge because that was like, I was like, I was like, eat it and put it back right away. So it was, it was, it was good. It took a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just took a second to be like, remind you that you like it again. Yeah. Yeah. And then you were in though? That was it. That was it. I was in after the meatball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DeRosa, I swear to God, I think he has McDonald's shares. He brings up, we've had 78 episodes thus far. He has brought McDonald's up in 65 episodes. And only one episode has been about McDonald's. It's unbelievable. It's like clockwork. But Wendy's beat McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chick-fil-A fries are my, I think they're the absolute 100% worst fries of anybody. Really? Chick-fil-A fries. The waffle fry? Oh, oh no, they're regular fries. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally true. I'll do McDonald's with my nuggets. I'll do them. Especially the sweet and salad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait no, I wonder if that guy is just a waiter that wants to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had it done to me too. It's very rare, but it's- It's rare. Yeah, it's just bullshit. I don't know what it is. I would've done the same exact thing. I would've took a stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do this bit on the show where we play waiters and we, when they ask for the specials, we, we tell them that the restaurant is a little eccentric or whatever, but then when they ask for the specials, the specials are insane and like we have to get them that, you know, to, to, to try a special. And, but there, I wish I had the list in front of me, but it's, it's ridiculous. It's like, I remember one of mine was stunned wallaby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll bring out some, we'll try some stunts. Could you stun one for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have like a book of, like we learned how to do it. Okay. Like, uh, well we're in public and we're just approaching people in public, which we couldn't do the last two years. We had to figure out how to work in COVID. But if they know us, we just get the next person as long as we're in a New York city densely populated area. Anybody that's coming to, uh, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Presentation, uh, you know, meeting or in a waiting room or we have to just like anything else. They're going to focus group. They would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sign up for that ahead of time. You know, and they come and get $40 to participate in a focus group. So we run that just as it's supposed to, but we give them a questionnaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so if they say anything even close, we don't even call them. And then when we do call them, we call like, if we need five people, we'll call in 20 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when we'll put them in different holding rooms, okay, and we'll be set up in a room like on another floor down the hall. And then we have a producer come in and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then if they look up and they have any recognition we yank them before they even get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Sometimes people, like, when we, they'll tell them, they'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just, they're not expecting it. And then they'll go, I know the show. I've seen the show. I didn't place it. That's okay. If someone at the end tells us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the show. You know how it operates. You know what we need. You're a fan. There's tons of crew here. You just wasted 30 minutes of our time so you could say, gotcha. And then we're like, well, just so you know, like now it can't go on. And they're like, oh really? And we're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah. Sometimes people are like that. Sometimes people are mad, they feel...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no reason for them to be mad. It's a knee jerk emotional reaction, but they feel duped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you actually, so you actually thought this was a backroom audition man? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At that point I think maybe I would rip up the contract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And just get the next person in the waiting room, you know. I feel like this was Europe. Okay, Europe is different. Yeah. Yeah, Europe is different. They ironclad with their contracts. Everybody knows that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can see where you're coming from. I can see where you're, you know, but no. No. Yeah. Nah. Well, I was already in like relationships with her, so I, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, Tom. It's a good story. I'm gonna book passage to Europe. Let's go together. Let's go check out. Together. Share a room. Yeah, we'll share a room. We'll share a girl. It'll be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know anybody that does like a swinging, open lifestyle? Uh, I know a couple people. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know a few people, I don't know how it ends though, you know? I don't think it ends well. It doesn't end well, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy thing, uhm, someone invited me to a dinner where you're supposed to go and be anonymous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they invite like 12 people to a dinner and nobody knows who's getting invited and you go to this address. They don't give it to you. So like the day of, and then you go to this address and you check in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you all cook this meal together and you're drinking and you're talking and you're not allowed to talk about your profession. Anything but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She famously coached Will Smith and Jada Smith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like, not Nike, yea, like a really, really, really, really high up. It's anything from like, you know, uh, CEOs to like musicians to artists to inventors to scientists. It's a crazy shit. Dude, I would love to do that. Me too. Sign us up. Please. I'll connect you on an email with us. Awesome. That sounds really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, avocanocomedy.com. All the dates are out right now. Just announced Vegas and like 20 new cities. So, uh, yes, avocanocomedy.com. There it is. Thanks guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge announcement. How would you like to own your very own piece of your mom's house? Pretty exciting. The first ever mention of jeans. The first time a double pipe classic came up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All those are there because we have partnered with Jam, J-A-M-B-B, to drop our very first NFT collection next week. So if you go to Jam right now, jambb.com, you can create your account and you'll be ready for it. And it's wild, like we're stepping into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pack started at nine dollars, which is a great price. And it's again, create your account now, jambb.com, and it'll drop next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you thirsty? Hmm? Yeaah. Watch as you suck this dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These big nips. He's got those big, thick, they look like pinkies, his nips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would I do my nips like that? No, I don't think so. But I'd really support one of the staff doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had tit cups on regularly, and his tits were changing for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really have to, I mean you have to do something to them, they're not just going to change like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. What a cool guy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, you can't, you can't just go through life with normal nipples. It's so boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like clamps. I like getting pinched and pierced. Would you do piercing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sore for a week. Bleed, itch, swelling, discharge. That's not that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you didn't see them, but you always saw, there was always a hippie chick that had like nose rings and like nine earrings and then once in a while, uh, who did I see with a clit ring?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was disgusting. That was in California. Uh, yeah, you're right. The foreign, the first girl I saw that was foreign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's also some savage Spanish girls. Some of those girls are real nasty too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sounds like he may have encouraged it to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's kinda line-steppin', I would say. 19 with a 15's a little much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy cause it's four years, but those four years are dramatic at that age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, chicks love it. He was like a rocker dude, you know? He was all tatted up. I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. Pierce in your dick head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he went and showed it to you? I showed you my dick, and I'm like, hm, I don't think you got tears. Bullshit, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I think maybe a girl like that wants people to see her nips all the time. I know, it's weird. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. Shy? Yeah, a little gun-shy with it. That's weird. I'm sure if it was a chick being like, can I see it? He'd be like, yep. And he just, that was probably what actually got his dick out all the time. Let me see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it would, and I think it would suck. I have like, you know, they're not made for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think that guy's gay right there? Yeah, no, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You stepped through the bottom part of that? That is really wild. It's a sexy body chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll say stuff, sure. I'll say it to other people in the bathroom too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, it was, it was like overblown. I mean my bladder was gonna explode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same. I think I'm actually dehydrated, but I did go up this morning, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice, it's much colder than you think it would be. I know. Alright, we had another technical difficulty, but we're back and let's get into it. Yeah. City milk on the cream cheese is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? Why is that weird to say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the same guy as the, uhm, the real meat thing? Mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And also he, it's a good comparison what it's like to eat, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he's pretty rad. I mean, we didn't get to know him, so I don't know, but I feel like he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, he's got that yellow tint, sunglasses. Yea. And Rachel Maddow's in the background. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you could roleplay, like he would like turn around and be like, just pretend you're a guy. Yeah, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This man is posting like 30 to 60 times a day. I mean, it's, it's, it's in the thousands now and he is on a loop. It's a cycle that never ends. Never ends. It goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next one is, I'm going to eat your draws. And then he's like, give me a draw. Yeah, I'm going to eat your draws. Yeah, you so beautiful. I love you. I love you, my baby girl. And then he goes, I'm going to eat your feet. And he goes to her feet and then he goes back to the booty. And then he's like, you special. I love you. And they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's what I figured out. Some of them he's like, yeah Caroline, I see you in that pink. I see that pink. And then he does his cycle. And then he's like, Teresa, you look so beautiful. And you realize he's looking at profiles and posting these and he thinks he's sending these girls these videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't realize that each of these is just a public post. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so random. I'll keep scrolling here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go right here and see what this one is. Let's see if this is something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, you can also see where he, uh, I guess he posts so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is obviously right here, this is one posting frenzy, you know? So this is probably 30 posts in a sitting, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day. This is every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and somebody clearly took a photo and he, uh, he got a new phone. Clearly you can tell because the, the picture much higher quality. Yeah. And you know how I found out? Joe Rogan texted me. He goes, uh, got a new phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does that a lot too. You're the one. You know? You're my special girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The oh so rare still photo. I like finding these. These are obviously mistakes, where he doesn't realize he's uploading a still, but they happen every once in a while. That's with the old phone I think, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyway, I can just go back, scroll, scroll, and you just, you click on any one of these and you get kind of the same message, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he does like, he does soft ones like that. You're my special girl. I love you. I like those. And then you scroll and then he's like, I'm gonna eat your pussy and your ass. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2395. Yeah, uh, 124th and 1st, uh, East Harlem. Yeah. East Harlem. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Robert has had some people stop by, so. Yeaah. It works. It works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by DraftKings. The NFL playoffs are here, and DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, is kicking things off with a huge offer, counting down to Super Bowl 56. New customers can get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fifty six to one odds on any wild card team to win their game. Bet just five dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And win 280 in free bets if your team is victorious.


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[Assistant] Love Draft Kings, they are the top tier people in this space and they offer you so many different ways to win big prizes.


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[Assistant] All you have to do, you can bet just $5 on any NFL playoff game and DraftKings Sportsbook will give new customers an additional $280 in free bets.


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[Assistant] 280 and free bets if your team wins. That's promo code mom at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Luke Bryan. Yeah. Did you know that when you sat when you- no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty, it's pretty crazy and that is so authentic. Like how fucking hard he gets at this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he's really about to weep. Yeah, that's so good. This is why I feel like this has got to be a lifelong hunter. Yeah. You know, let's know some shit. No, he's a country boy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 75 million records sold. It is crazy too that someone is just that popular and I don't recognize them at all. I have no, his name doesn't, doesn't register anything. His face. You could probably play all his songs. I'd be like, I don't know what I'm listening to. And they're that, they're that successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he uhm, man, that is one of my favorite clips now. Me too, it's adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Now it is him, right? It's not just someone that looks like him? It is him. Okay. Oh my gosh. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can finally say the N-word. Thank God. No, wait, I didn't know what you were going to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a southern, uhm, well-to-do look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't read gay like homosexual, it just reads gay like- Dandy gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very common look in the south, you're right. It's like, um, shorts, Navy or khaki, and then usually a collared polo, but tucked in with a belt. And then, yeah, like topsiders, right? Like moccasins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes, sometimes if you really want to make it look, they'll throw a sweater over the shoulders. That's what I'm talking about. The arms folded here.


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[Assistant] You see, it is like the well-to-do look. This is what separates like the working guys. Yes. And like, it's like how to separate your class is how you, your dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And then there are those, that guy is like side by side with like the real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Working class labor guy, you know what I mean? Yeaah. Who's wearing a t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Oh yeaah. These guys are mega gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was very, like, cultural and, and regional. Yeah, you see that still. Like that guy, yeah. We saw that guy. That guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it seems like it is regional, like if that guy walked into a room in, I don't know, in LA, people would be like, what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, you kinda see that same look in northeastern preps. Yeaah. You know? Yeaah yeaah. In Boston, and like the preppy ones would dress like that still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even those southern ones that you see like that, a lot of times it's that daddy dresses like that. You know? Yeah, my daddy dresses like this. Yeah. So they wear the same thing. That's really funny. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I? Uhm, so you know, my favorite clip of all time is that guy getting hit by a car. And this isn't as good, but it's pretty cool. Yeah, he's here. He's right there. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's probably pretty hard, yea. Yea. It probably feels like cement actually. You know? That thing you need, you need that forklift to pick that thing up. So yea, it's probably pretty heavy. I imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this could be? You know what this could be? A bad day. A coordinated effort to get some money out of the company. Between the forklift driver and the guy that got hit. He's like, you bang me, and I will put on a fucking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this seems like a, like obviously there's the low level factory worker that I'm sure they just throw in the river like you said. But this seems like probably a little higher level. To me it does, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We think Bob's paralyzed. Alright. Let's go! Move it on! You do not give a rip. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been listening to a lot of, uh, uh, film scores, you know? Yes. And like, I have downloaded a bunch of them. Oh man, that Cape Fear one. Yes. So good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're not too stoked. They're like, we're scared. And you're like, turn it up. It's scary. It is dramatic and scary. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, sometimes I put these scores on and I just, uh, you know, I can just zone out. Dad out. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, cause then when those, when those scores that are so incredibly, like, put together, uh, are played, I mean, it really is an escape. You can picture the dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that's a soundtrack song. Yea, that's a really good one too. Yea, that's good, that's good. Those are a vibe, you know? Yea. Like a Bond theme song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're pretty great, and they fit, there's a tone where it's like they're kinda sexy, and uh, yeaah, they set up the movies great. Cause they always play during those elaborate opening credits, they always do now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that is very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm serious. Describe it. Describe it. Before I with it, what is it? It just smells like private school and, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good uhm, it's a good idea. Good marketing call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I guess, uh, I dunno, what did, what did dick smell like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, that's a pretty, like, it's kinda hard to come back from that, I think. You know? You gotta do it, you have to do it in a delicate way. You can't just be like, you gotta funky ass pussy to some girl, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, every day. Every day I think about how much you smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, the first guy was really excited to talk about himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he told the person driving by, like, don't you fucking drive, just fucking drive, which you're like, woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then this guy's like, what are you asking? He's like, what do you do with your business? He's like, who cares about fucking business? Move motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it seems like it's a really nice area. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was never worried about- As a man, I feel like when you tell people to fuck off, you always have to gauge physical confrontation. He was never worried about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a weird way to tell the story. He was always nice to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sound like, it actually sounds like one of those uhm, those mob stories that they have like the real guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you know, I used to break people's legs and they're like, he was a great neighbor though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm assuming he wasn't like real up on paying taxes. No he didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Skipping on taxes is always an interesting choice. I know a couple of people who did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Yeah, good luck if you go, like, you know you don't have to pay your taxes, like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, a lot of entertainers are kind of burned by that a lot. I think part of it is just like when they're not handling any of it themselves, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, LA Times would post that every year, the 10 biggest tax cheats. Every year they do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, man, that's gotta suck to be on that list. I didn't know that. They put your photo and the whole story. Yeah. Is Trump on there a bunch? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, sadly who was on it a bunch was, uh, Sinbad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, they would, they would just do like who owes the most. Yea, no, it's a list. It's a list. Oh wow. Of the, it's not an article about it, it's the ten...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ten tax cheats of the year, I think. Ten biggest. Uhm, but it's the LA Times. Uhm, they do it every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, three celebrities on the list of tax evaders there. That probably is from one year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but they always do it, man. And, uh, and it's just people who owe a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was still like, he was doing a bunch of shows. I know he got sick. I think he got, he had a stroke or something. Oh no. He's so funny. Yeah? Sinbad? Yeah. Sinbad is like, so, like he is funny in a way that uhm, you could put him on any stage. Yes, this is true. And he would kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could do, he's one of those guys that could do a set a night, you know? He could do like a set on Thursday and a different hour Friday and a different hour Saturday and he could, he can shape it to whoever's there. He's really that good. He's funny in a way that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think appeals to actually everyone. People don't know, some people don't know how good at stand up he is. He's really, really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had sitcoms, he had movie, he had a movie run where he was doing movies for a minute. Uhm, he did, he did really well. And the shows were big, but yeah. And pay them taxes too. He got in tax trouble, yeah.


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[Assistant] She got us well. She got us dude. Fucking bitch.


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[Assistant] I mean, this person is more than comfortable in a sewer.


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[Assistant] I think when you get that comfortable somewhere, you start making it your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I mean, is that like, where they inhabit? Like, that's where they sleep and... You think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by ButcherBox. Meal prepping is difficult. ButcherBox makes it easy. ButcherBox is a subscription service that takes the guesswork out of finding high quality meat. That's no joke. You go sometimes to the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I even know why you want to cook it. I kind of want to eat it raw, you know. But anyway, I'll cook it just, you know, so that you and the kids don't get sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every month, ButcherBox ships a curated selection of high quality meats right to your home. Free shipping for the continental U.S. No antibiotics or added hormones. Each box contains between 8 to 14 pounds of meat. Depending on the box you choose, that's enough for 24 individual meals. This is your chance to never have to shop for ground beef again. That's right, ButcherBox is giving new members free ground beef for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sign up at ButcherBox.com slash mom. Get two pounds of ground beef free in every order for the life of your membership. Log on to ButcherBox.com slash mom. Claim this deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why wouldn't you just do it in a tissue or something?


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[Assistant] Stop. Stop. I don't always have. Stop. Stop. You definitely have the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, listen to me. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you have the time to grab a tissue. This is repulsive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That does make me happy, but that is something I don't want to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stop doing it. Just get a tissue. Why can't you get a tissue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is something I never thought would happen here, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, one of the greatest, obviously, guys that ever appear on this show, uhm, he keeps blessing us with content, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I guess I would have categorized him as one type in certain things, meaning, oh, I think I know where he leans. And then something like this happens and it just kind of, it opens up your whole mind, you know?


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[Assistant] I mean, you just think you know Fedsmoker. Excuse me, Herc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, let me drop this on you. That was sharp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody said come on Herc in that video. That must be in this last clip here, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Herc news, yea. You always gotta remember fed smokers the car. I forget all the time. I forget all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine time. I know somebody who has a similar thing. A similar thing? Yeah. Who? I don't wanna say. Okay. I'll tell you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's going like this. Very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it is, I mean, a full fucking butchering. It's like they brought the pig in a hole and are chopping the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how much. You showed this to my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. That's a real pimp at a Memphis grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, before we go, you probably heard that, uh, Popdog died. My dad. Uhm, he was sick for a few years. He was diagnosed in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Late 2018, with a blood cancer. I thought he was going to die in 2019, which honestly, he really should have, with a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got this horrible infection, he coded, which means his heart stopped for like 20 minutes, and they brought him back. That was in 2019. And then he had this uhm, you know, kind of everything came back, and he was under treatment, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I was there for it and it was horrible, uhm, but he loved being on the show. He loved being, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, parts of him, uh, that were very genuine. That's really who he was, but he really was a sweet dad, sweet guy. And, uh, I'll miss him. I'll miss him a lot, you know. Yeah, we talked a lot. We talked like almost every day.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It catches you off guard a lot. I mean, a lot of people go through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, being, being there for the last few days was terrible. I'd never experienced anything like that. You know, being in a hospital room, just watching someone when they're like, no, he's gonna die. You just watch them die. It's really terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's also good that you're kind of together, you know? Yes. I was with my mom and my sisters and him and, but it's still, I don't think anything really prepares you for that. It would be terrible. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he led, he led a great life, you know, he, he led, he had an extraordinary life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a, he was a really joyful guy, like he was very happy all the time. You know, that whole thing he'd answer the phone, hey buddy, like that. That's how he was all the time. He was a very happy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, if you read the articles about him, you know, he, uh, he was really charitable, like he ran and organized a bunch of charities, like giving back to the community stuff, you know. He always felt like that was something you should do if you have the means and the time to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he did a lot for his communities that he lived in. And uhm, you know, very accomplished guy, very successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you've heard me say he's a competitive and champion Olympic weightlifter. You know, he was in the Marine Corps and he was a officer, you know, he's a lieutenant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he uhm, he did very well in his, in his private business. He worked really hard, you know. We, people don't know, like when I was born, we lived in an apartment. And uhm, he just worked his way up, you know, just like hard working guy. Really, really strong work ethic. He was a great,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he loved attention so much. And uh, it would be funny because a couple times I was with him in public and people would be like, top dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, he was ready for a photo of like, how are you, you know, like, someone asked me for a picture. I'm like, was that, I'm like, oh, hold on. And then you kind of like, you know, you get ready for it and you're like, and then he would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like ready? He's like, yeah, you know, it's nice to do things for the fans. Like he really like was like, embrace the idea. And I didn't get to see it. Like my brother-in-law told me, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my dad was always proud of me even when I was like an MC, like doing little shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he got to go to the hard rock show in October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in Florida. It was a pretty big show. It was like 6,500 seats. It was sold out and he got to go to the show and they were like, dude, we couldn't get out of the aisle because he got swarmed. The people recognized him and he was like, man, he took every photo, signed autographs and was just like, you know, living it. He loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if he gave a speech, I watched him give a speech at like a church once or like some conference. He was like, what'd you think of the speech?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was good. He goes, yeah, I can just do that. I was like, what? He's like, I'm just natural. People just enjoy hearing me speak. I go, you have way more confidence than I do. He was like, yeah, you know, people ask me, they go, how did you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just tell them, I just can't, I go, people stop you and say, how did you do that? He's like, yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loved, and you know what he used to do? He used to go, uhm, I was like, sometimes I would give him a heads up, I was gonna call him, sometimes I wouldn't. But either way, afterwards, if I called him, you know, like when we were done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, but he loved being a part and he loved, and I, by the way, I got, I don't even know how many thousands of messages from people. So it was very nice. Thank you very much for sending the messages. It was, um, it was very sweet to read. Yeah. I got, I got bombarded with messages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last thing, the last thing he said to me, he said uhm, I hate and adopt too. And I was like, what? And then he died, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. I couldn't believe it. Yeah. Cause he listens a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, uh, we were sitting around in the room, and everybody was so sad, obviously. And we're all crying, and then we talk, and then you cry, and then you have a regular, and then you're like, can somebody get some food? Just like, you're in these weird moments. And then, I was, I had told my sisters, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, individually, I told my sisters and my mom and then I told them together, I was like, you don't understand how much footage I have of like, like recorded conversations. Cause they know, but I don't think they really know. I was like, no, no, no, like he called, he must have been on a fucking hundred episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my mom, of course, you know, she's an old fucking lady. She's like, how do I get it? I'm like, oh my god.


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[Assistant] So, I'm telling her like, you can YouTube, and so I show her. I pull up the YouTube app. I just type in like, Top Dog, YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, it's the highlights, it's episodes. Then we did an episode last year, which was like the best of Top Dog. It was like 584, 564, one of those. And so I was just showing them and I was like, like this one. And we started to play the blonde jokes highlights, which is like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely pissing his pants at these street jokes, these blonde jokes and also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made me so crazy that I would just, I'm reading a street joke. How many blondes does it take to, you know, change a light bulb? And he's like, uhm, five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I give up. I go, just say how many? Like, I'll just read you the punch line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what's the difference between a blonde and a pollock? He's like, uh, the blonde, the blonde doesn't know, and I'm like, what are you doing? Just say what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, I give up. I go, stop guessing. This is not for you to guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are just jokes. He didn't get it for like two hours. Everything. I'm like, how do you know you're in a Polish firing squad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the guns are, they have the, the triggers on the guns and I'm like, Jesus, just say how? He's like, yeah, I can't, I don't, I can't figure it out. I'm like, these aren't fucking math questions. Just, these are just set up punchlines. He did it the whole time. But we played it in the room and everybody was laughing for a minute. Yeah. It was funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hear himself just laughing. And really enjoyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He laughs so hard at those jokes. And he also did this thing we always talked about in our house, which was if he was telling a joke, he got so excited about the joke that he would fuck it up every time. And he would laugh through the joke telling. He's telling like a blonde joke. He's like, he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, I don't, this isn't, I don't know what the funny part, he's like, it's just funny. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, big change for sure. Fuck. Don't miss him a lot. Uhm, alright, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I think my dad would like to hear Men from Jail by Micah Ackervold. Of course he would. Alright, that's it. That's it. Thanks for watching, thanks for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. Please continue to watch more. You can see all these where my hand's gesturing. You can click on those. And please subscribe if you have not yet. Hit the subscribe button and then we'll get your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bacon, cheeseburgers, waffle, and I'd be like, I don't know what's going on, but I keep gaining weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and by the way, okay, for me, he was still like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, Traders Joe though, hooked us up. I mean, meaning, yea, and I, all respect to Traders Joe, cause you'd go there, and you'd have your fucking $28, and then you'd come back with a shopping cart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, some of that shit was real tasty, man. Real tasty. The frozen stuff, those frozen chicken burritos, I would get those. Oh, do every day. That was dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love those frozen chicken burritos. And then, uh, cause they had like a sauce in there. It was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tricked you one time, do you remember this? There was, Traders Joe also had frozen chalky souffle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was one left. And you go, I want that when I come home. And I was like, okay. And so I purposely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Opened it, ate it, but you didn't know I had a- I went and bought a second box so that when you came home you found an empty wrapper and you were like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a flex. But then I gave you the new box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We were, like, the kids say, turn to the fuck up. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I know some nurses and I got really excited when I saw this because I can be like, when I send them this clip and be like, hey, if you're looking for a potential suitor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, when he's like, I'm looking for a nurse, I was like, oh, it's like a kink, and he's like, no, I have a lot of health problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to vacation. He's like, good, do you have any points on your AMX?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about somebody with two front teeth? Does he want that or no? Because he has clearly decided not to include those today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bold choice always to not include the ones in the front. The front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. If you see somebody with those gums in a regular mouth, you'd be like, you need to go to an orthodontist immediately. You need emergency surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like taking a photograph of someone with teeth and putting it in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I take a picture of someone's teeth. There's 6.99, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they give you specific instructions. They're like, don't eat and don't talk too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-I-B-E. Aggressive. B-E. Aggressive. And it just spawned this cheerleader that I had a memory of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was so small. You know, there's cheerleaders because they get thrown in the air. So a lot of times the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The high level ones, you know, that move along to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it may be in high school too, but in college especially, they're tiny. You see them, the guys like- I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was nasty. She was German. Oh, German. She was, it was in Tunisia, but she was German. She was a fucking savage. I mean, she was wearing a leather bathing suit at the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it was alarming to see, like you see it and you're like, what the fuck are you wearing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was worse. No, no, it was, it wasn't a bikini. It was a one-piece leather thing that had a thong and it had like gaps. It looked like something you'd wear at a bondage club. You know, it wasn't, it didn't look like a bathing suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she looked, yeah, she looked like she'd been drug along, you know, like someone had tied her and like strung her up and was like, come here and like just yanked her over there. She had real problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I need to lose 40 pounds, and guess what? I hate fat models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to see dudes that are yoked and ripped with six packs and I want to see chicks that have perfect bodies. Like a little waist, hips and an ass. Perky teddies. That's the gig. That's what you get. You get what you get in this world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the perfect bodies are models. And fucking fatties are not. You fat fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the new thing they're doing. I've noticed this, if you go online shopping,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, oh great, a model, a normal model. And then they're like, also, here's a little pig for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look at it, and it's on like a really good looking person, a good, like a perfect body, and you go, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my only logic to accepting it. Like let's say I'm looking at a men's clothing site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only advantage I see to having a big ol' fat boy next to it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it goes, oh that's what I'll look like. That's what your brain does to you.


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[Assistant] Get a shirt or clothes, whatever, and you're like, man, and then sometimes you catch yourself in the mirror and you're like, the fuck?


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[Assistant] God damn it. Yeaah. Yeaah. It just happens man.


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[Assistant] The idea that you can do better. That's true.


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[Assistant] I mean, you have hope as a, as an artist, performer, comedy.


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[Assistant] I mean, is that real? The top row in the middle? Is that supposed to really be the top row? All the way up? In the middle? That's a model?


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[Assistant] I mean, by the way, if I met that person and they're like, I'm a model, I'd go, okay. All right. Sure.


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[Assistant] Why? Because men are more disciplined. And, and, and reali- for sure. Because a woman goes, but uh, but this is my body. And then everybody goes, it's okay. And then men go, oh, you know, I'm fat. And guys go, you know what, why don't you stop eating and fucking work out.


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[Assistant] No, there's no- If you're a supermodel with good looks, it's gonna be rough for you to do comedy, actually.


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[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Simply Safe. What do US News, PC Magazine, and Popular Science have in common? They all rank Simply Safe home security as the best home security of 2021. In fact,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] U.S. News just named SimpliSafe the best home security of 2022 as well. I know that our very own Chris has a SimpliSafe. We have it at the studio. He absolutely loves it. I know the staff here loves it. Big fans of SimpliSafe.


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[Assistant] Simply Say protects your whole home, around the clock, every door, window and room. It's backed by the best 24-7 professional monitoring in the business, ready to dispatch police, firefighters or EMT to your home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With interactive monitoring, go to simplysafe.com slash your mom.


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[Assistant] Oh, uh, Europeans have disdain for it. So do South Americans. They're my favorites.


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[Assistant] I mean, my entire family in South America is like, you are phat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go and run. Be less fat. Of course.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I can't, I mean I've, you know, lost a bunch of weight since like the most I've weighed. Still can't fit in that stuff.


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[Assistant] Or my favorite, sometimes I've gone into stores to try on, they're like, uh.


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[Assistant] I'll see, I think we have something in the back. And then they come out and they're like, yeah, maybe online, nothing in the story.


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[Assistant] You want to see another cool thing that happened? I do. So, check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I mean you can't even make this up. This guy is just, he cannot see it. He can't say it. People can't say it. They just can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fantastic. So check this out. This, uh, this guy, uh, imagine that you're on your phone.


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[Assistant] Your mouth and lips like that is way different than like I've been talking to you and I like your mouth and your eyes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then he fucking was like, it's almost like he went, he was like, oh god, you're so sexy, and then he went like...


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[Assistant] I mean the really amazing thing is, there is, there are a number of women who would respond to them. That's what I'm fascinated by.


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[Assistant] Video, I'm sure I'm working on notes right now.


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[Assistant] Hell no. No. And this is much shorter than their videos and 100,000 times creepier.


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[Assistant] Well it works for him sometimes, I have to give him, I will tell you, this works for this guy sometimes.


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[Assistant] And then after something is established, you drop. You have the prettiest eyes and sexiest mouth.


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[Assistant] Uhm, here you want, I like this kind of shit too. Uh, Kevin Samuels.


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[Assistant] But it, it is like- He's right though. We all could- like-


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[Assistant] Who are single and uh, he goes in what you desire. I think he calls them high value men. So a man who's a professional who is making like X like several hundred thousand dollars a year or more. So he's like, because that high value man, his value is that he makes that living.


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[Assistant] And then he's like, if you are desiring a man like that, what do you bring? So he breaks it down, you know, and it's very logical, you know, probably like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a little bit not involved with love when some of these breakdowns.


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[Assistant] Well, you can, you have your options, but that's kind of the whole point.


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[Assistant] Six. Seven. Seven will be confident. We have to see the whole package.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was delusional. And that's also, you know what that is though too? When you know you're not. This is a thing that's like universal too. When you know you're not.


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[Assistant] You, you also go like, I'm not gonna put my, part of that is like, don't put yourself down.


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[Assistant] But I'm not gonna say I'm a fucking four because that sounds like I'm putting myself down. Sure, sure, sure. So you go, alright, alright, I'm an eight, you know, but you're, you're not.


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[Assistant] I think he's using it more as a, uh, like a jump off point. Hey, let's have this conversation. So to engage in the conversation, let's start by, yeah, where do you rank yourself? And like, and see what ends up happening is like, if your value is not there, he's like, you gotta find other values. So in other words,


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[Assistant] If you're a five, and you have...


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[Assistant] And so he's like, that's not, so he's like, your looks are not the most desirable, your bag's not the most desirable, do you have a job, do you make a good living? Because that raises your values. So he's just like very like real, like logical about this stuff. And then, you know.


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[Assistant] Some people can't handle it, but the truth is that even though some of this stuff isn't nice to hear, there is a lot of truth to it.


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[Assistant] He wants someone near equal. If some, some man who's an executive, you know, lawyer or whatever, and he's making several hundred thousand dollars a year, you know, he has his, he has options.


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[Assistant] That's probably gonna come, that's probably gonna come, because like his- God, he's good. His, uhm, his online stuff, like his TikToks and Instagram, he does like these long ones, he does like hour long consults where he talks to people and- Love this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, me too man. It's so funny. Go follow him. He's on, uh, he's on Instagram, TikTok. I'm pretty sure he has a YouTube page too, and he does.


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[Assistant] He man, he fucking, he's just so real with people. He's like, I don't have time for this bullshit. Okay, I don't have time for you big old sassy ass broads.


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[Assistant] Alright, uh, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with our guest. We are back with Staten Island's own. Returning to the show, Mr. Chrissy D. Hey babe, how you doing?


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[Assistant] When I walked around the hall, you eyed me so hard, you gave me one of these, you went up and down.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. No, they feel, I mean, like, I try to keep them pretty, I mean, I, you know, I shower regularly. Do you? Yeah. And like today, uhm, like the day this is being recorded, uh, the, the third leg of my tour launched, and when you see those pre-sales, you just, you know what I mean, your balls feel good. You're firm. Promo code Tommy. Yeah. I, I bought a ticket.


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[Assistant] Before we forget, I've always been a big fan and I met you, I thought you were so fucking funny and then we had you do a live show and I've watched you just go up, up, up, up, up, which I'm super happy for you.


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[Assistant] Super funny and super consistently funny, and I see, like a lot of people, I watch your clips all the time, your highlights on Instagram, so fucking funny. I love watching you and TT, you and Sal, and you have like, I mean, it's always great man.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, been to prison, getting off parole, let's not have TT do something real reckless. Well that's what I said to TT.


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[Assistant] This is a, I mean, this is probably a big day for Fauci. He's got all this, a lot of bad press, people hate him, but we're actually celebrating him today.


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[Assistant] By the way, with having that much sex, do you consider yourself great in bed?


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[Assistant] I gotta tell you something. What have you done in your past? I love nothing more than coffee. Like I love it. I have to have it. In that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have enjoyed speaking violence more than drinking coffee.


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[Assistant] Like, I think I would have been like, fuck your- fuck that coffee and fuck you. Yes. I want a black coffee with a black dick in it.


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[Assistant] Nice. Fucking dumb cunt, I would have called her a stupid cunt to her face.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. This has got me, okay, I love hypotheticals. Let's do it. I mean, we thrive on them.


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[Assistant] So I was, I thought of this a few weeks ago, I'm on the road with Jeff Tate, I pitched him this and I had a lot of fun with him discussing this. Okay? And now I can tell you guys about it. Like, Jeff Tate, what a good name, Jeff Tate.


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[Assistant] Alright, you're a hostage. Okay? You're in a building that is cold, dingy, wet, you're given water, little bit like breadcrumbs. You're on the first floor of this building and you just obviously want to get out and there's a way out. And the way out is there's seven guys.


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[Assistant] And they're each gonna buttfuck you, okay? And they have to go to completion.


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[Assistant] The guys are varying levels of attractive with varying levels of penis size. So you get to pick the order that you want them in. So, first up, is this guy.


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[Assistant] Uh, this guy. There you go. Uh, this guy, right? Like, easy peasy.


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[Assistant] Now these are anal only. And to completion, right? You've got to finish. Okay. This guy. Oh, there we go. Nice.


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[Assistant] So there it is. Here's the first asshole I've seen. Yeaah. The thing you gotta decide, which I think is, I mean, I think it's clearly, it's pretty clear to me that you gotta pick what order you want decent, cause you get to choose. Okay. So the logic would be, do you want to start


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[Assistant] With the biggest penetration and then kind of like work your way down or do you want to warm up?


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[Assistant] You know, start small, just loosen it up. I already know the answer. I mean, I have my answer. Don't I? Yeah. So to me, I would opt for smallest first.


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[Assistant] The professionals, like the pros, they're gonna shoot a double, double anal scene. What do they do? They start with a butt plug. They loosen up. I agree with Tom. They get it going and then they kind of, alright, let's warm it up.


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[Assistant] I think when you do come out as gay, you know what's gonna get you like real crazy points is that head of hair, man. You like that? Fuckin' A. Look at your hair.


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[Assistant] So everyone's weighed in. So guess what? What is it? You're being released from floor one of this building as a hostage. And now you're going up to the second floor. Yes. And in the second floor, there are seven women.


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[Assistant] I'm giving you a full variety here, okay? Got it.


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[Assistant] What would you do? I would start, I would, cause I'm thinking about like, with this girl at the, right here.


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[Assistant] Being that she's attractive, I could definitely maintain an erection and, and, and perform later on, right? Cause she's attractive.


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[Assistant] I would think that it'd be, if I go her first and I have the big girl, the real big one last, I'm like, there's just nothing left of me. I'm gonna have to wait here for a week. So I would, I would get that first nut out with the, with the real fucking animal at the beginning. And then with this one, I could still just push through.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you who comes the hardest. Right here. Right here. Hold on. Her.


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[Assistant] I just see it. She has a face that like, I come regularly. Yea, she's happy. Yea. She's free. I think you squeeze her tits and she fuckin' shakes.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Alright, now, you leave the second floor.


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[Assistant] My tongue hurts. Right. And the third floor is a chili. And it's, it is, it is full.


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[Assistant] It is like a regular Friday night and you can stay there as long as you want. You kind of want to stay there because you are tired. You're exhausted. You're still a hostage. Right.


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[Assistant] There's no other place you can go. You can stay in the Chili's, right? Unless you want to go to the fourth floor. But the third floor...


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[Assistant] Is this Chili's and you just, you probably spent a couple days there just eating and, um, you know, recovering, you know what I mean? Right. And if they go, if you want to leave,


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[Assistant] You know, at this point, you can't leave the building, um, and you might not be ready for the fourth floor, so you kinda just, you, you, you stay there to recover. Okay. Uh, and they go, if you, if you decide you never want to go to the fourth floor, you just live at Chili's for the rest of your life. Oh god.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you sleep there, and they're always coming over with like, they're like, you want more nachos? And you're like, no, god damn it. But, if you actually wanna-


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[Assistant] And it's the final level. This is the one they get. Now, you can go back to Chili's. If you come up and you go, this is just too much. You can go back to Chili's. I have a question.


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[Assistant] You can't go back to Chili's in between. You have to, you have to stay there and make these men. Now here's the good thing. There's a 75 greatest players in NBA history. 15 are dead. So you only have to blow 60.


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[Assistant] I know, but you know what, there's things like, you know, Kareem is in his seventies, like. Yea, it's gonna take a while. It is gonna take, first of all, that is a pipe on that man. And it's not just gonna be like, oh it's in my mouth, now it's gonna, he's gonna be like, you need to work, work this thing. It's a lot of work.


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[Assistant] The head, like the shaft, I need you to get under my balls, like you gotta, and that's the thing is like, you finally get a 70, whatever, five-year-old guy in a nut, and you're gonna be like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then you come back up and they're like, you ready to blow 60 guys right now? You gotta, I think you just, you gotta be mentally prepared for the amount of time it's gonna take.


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[Assistant] You go down and blow them and they're like, we're the other three. Three what? I usually fuck four at a time. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, just because, just dunk more.


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[Assistant] Who knows though, I mean, you know. How honored would you be to be in front of MJ on your knees though? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Oh it was, it was, it was exciting. It was really exciting. And I was like, you know, I know you've been in prison and I know all this shit, but you're fucking whore and it's fun. You got to sit through the heavy segment and we realized there was some clips since then that you haven't seen. We'd love to show you.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Good. I know which one to save.


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[Assistant] And that's what he likes. That's what, yea, that makes his dick hard.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so these are ones that have been on other lives that I wanted to show you.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And by the way, do you think that he's like, I'm gonna make a video, I don't know what I'll do, or he's like, you know, every few months when this thing heals, I know exactly what I like to do. This guy does this regularly.


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[Assistant] Look, we, we're going, we're, we have gone months now without doing a live because of touring and everything. Sure. And now we're eyeballing a date for our next one. Okay. But it gives us so much time that we're able to curate some really heavy, spectacular stuff. Yeah. It's going to be...


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright, now listen, this, uhm, this episode's gonna come out on April 6th. We don't know if you will be on YouTube, on Netflix, on both. Yeaah. But by that time at least, news will be...


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[Assistant] We're preparing people to go to both places. Go to both places. But at worst case scenario,


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[Assistant] On that date it might not be in either place, but you will have announced what the resolution is.


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[Assistant] You want to talk about good hair. Wait until you see Sal's hair. When he cuts it. I mean, it got real fucking manifesto-y for a minute.


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[Assistant] I wanna see him see shit like this too.


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[Assistant] I mean, this guy's telling it to his YouTube channel, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say that you're attracted to women. Well, if you're attracted to a woman, then you're attracted to cis women, trans women without bottom surgery, and trans women with bottom surgery. If you're attracted to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, VJ, then you could be attracted to a cis woman, a trans man without bottom surgery, a trans woman with bottom surgery, or a non-binary person which depending on their assigned gender at birth, having or not having had the surgery.


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[Assistant] But it is that exclusion that makes it transphobic.


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[Assistant] How did he do that? How is that even a thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know me, I love my Saatva mattress. I sleep on one every night. I sleep on the Solair. The Solair goes up, it goes down, it lights up, it vibrates. What does it not do? It's so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva can give you the quality you want, the luxury you deserve, and they can do it because they don't have all the overhead of renting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, retail spaces and having salespeople to employ. You, you order it online and the customer service is impeccable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They set up the mattress, they even take away your old mattress for a nominal fee. Try it out for 90 days. You don't like it, send it back. But I doubt, I doubt that'll happen. So right now, uh, go to satva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next purchase. Again, satva.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've had quite a world, a whirlwind weekend, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause when they tell you like, hey, the snow's coming, go inside, then you should probably listen and go inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've googled, uhm, hurricanes in Florida where people are like standing in the malls and stuff. And they're like, I just want to see what it looks like out here. You're like, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, growing up in Los Angeles, it would have been, they're forever looking for a way to warn us about the earthquake situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they would always keep track of it, remember guys? Yea. And they tell you, well the epicenter, we see a lot of seismic activity on this fault, so they kind of can tell when things are getting spicy. Yea. But they can't give you an actual, they'll tell you, well the next one, this fault is gonna be popping off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it must be real, it's not Elon Musk, but there's a flying car and it's gonna come out to market soon. You gonna buy one? Would you buy a flying car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Autonomous aerial vehicles. Could you imagine the chaos that would cause? You know how bad it is, people driving on roads? Could you imagine in the air? How the fuck would we even begin to regulate that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you are. But do you think they should only be allowed to be given to like certain people, right? Yea. Like who gets it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a propaganda piece. This doesn't, you're right, this isn't real. This is the Chinese government being like, first of all, Wuhan, sorry about that. Secondly, in order to make it up to you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm sensing that you're not into this, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying that's his fault. It doesn't destroy his marriage though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, I think he's right. I mean, keep your own garbage in your own yard, you know? If you're gonna be a piece of shit, don't mess up other people's stuff, you know what I'm saying? Don't mess with no Mary bitch. Don't compliment that bitch. Who the fire?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. Especially if you rent a prostitute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You rent a person. So what do they say now? They say you get, you get, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got, I got her. It implies like you owned her. But you really just rent her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta own it. No, I much prefer a guy like this who's like, look dude, this is what I'm into. We've always said that. You gotta be upfront.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Look, there's a lot of stuff going on in my world intellectually, okay? Uhm, you've been gone, and when you're gone, I get into- I go down weird rabbit holes of stuff. Okay, I'll get into my second thing, but first things fucking first, on where my mom's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got upset because I went through the Starbucks drive thru here, and this kid looked cool, like he had a cool mullet, he had cool earrings on, and I was like, okay, he looked like the Lost Boys, like a key person. This is right up your alley too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's why I'm so upset. Now, now it makes sense. So I was kinda like, this kid's cute, he's like, he's a young teenager. Yea, he looks dope. And then I see on his lapel, a star fleet, like he's in Star Command.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was so upset by it, I was like, you fucking nerd, like, stop, don't, don't put it, like, when, back in my day, if you put that on your lapel, they would beat the shit out of you. And rightly so, because you're advertising your nerd status, like, if you're into this, keep it on the DL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we get it, and like, it just irked me that he gets to parade his nerd badge around without any consequences, and then Patty O'Callaghan


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, kind of. Yea, like don't bring my cool culture in with your nerd culture. And now I see that, because on the show I was more upset like, well, his nerd culture is not the same as goth culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Patty was like, yeah, but what's the difference between somebody liking Star Trek and liking Bauhaus? And I was like, whoa, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those two are not comparable, dude. Like, Bauhaus is dope and is cool and started Punk and New Wave and got, like, those guys get laid. These people don't get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, am I wrong in thinking that my subculture is cooler than fucking Starfleet Command?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I got a lot of hate on the, on the comments. People are so mad at me. The Star Trek nerds are so mad at me right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, Star Wars is empirically cooler. It's got better guns, lasers, chicks, hotter chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's rad as shit, it's outer space bro, like, well then again, so is Star Trek. But like, Google Star Trek Convention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. Look at all these dudes. It's just a sea of dudes. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, babe, you can't, there's no, there's, he's comparing this to a bow house, like being god. Gods have way more sex appeal. Oh, here's what I've learned, here's what I've learned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, okay, and I agree with you here. However, Yana...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot compare Star Trek nerddom to Bauhaus... Google fucking Bauhaus concert. I mean like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what I liked. I've always liked weirdos. But see, this is my thing with outliers. I like weirdos, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Daniel Ash, he's cool as shit. No, he's like number two. So number one is Peter Murphy, he's a singer, and then number two, Daniel Ash, and then those are the brothers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hold on, and a young Robert Smith from The Cure. All of those guys could get it. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, Simon Gallup and oh my god, look how cute Robert Smith was as a youngster. God, he's gorgeous. Really? Yeaah. I like him without makeup even. It is really interesting to hear this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but I also had a 21 Jump Street poster of Johnny Depp, like a life-size one. He was really cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Robert now is not pretty. Now that's even like 90s Robert. He melted down. It's not good. Just that's why I say young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you listening to me? And the groupies that were there for Robert were all blonde, normal chicks. And she, as well as I, felt betrayed because it's like dude you're goth, you're supposed to like goth girls. And I was so upset that he liked normal looking chicks.


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[Assistant] The omega moose. That's who we were. He wanted the hot chicks. Yea, see he's like banging the hotties. But he's been married forever.


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[Assistant] Speaking of obsessions, I've been diving deep into the monarchy, as you know, and it's the Queen's 70th. I mean, she's gonna be... 90-something. Yeah, but she's celebrating another jubilee. This is her, her final, this is the platinum jubilee or whatever.


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[Assistant] This is our last cruise and then we're going to shove her into the ocean. She's 95 years old. And so I got this magazine that commemorates it. And, um, so do you want to know two crazy facts about the queen of England?


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[Assistant] Show some respect for the queen when I speak. Number one, she does not need a passport to travel.


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[Assistant] No, but that is a good guess. Because it's her emblem and her face on the passport basically. So it would be like her giving herself permission to leave the country.


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[Assistant] No, and she's on her own boat, the QE2. She gets her own yacht and shit, it's wild. Pretty cool. Okay, and number two, this one's really crazy. Did you know that the Queen can't be prosecuted for any crime?


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[Assistant] She has sovereign immunity. It means that as head of the state, Queen Elizabeth cannot commit illegal wrong and is immune from civil suit or criminal prosecution.


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[Assistant] But her son Andrew just got accused of some rapey shit, so he'll be prosecuted. She dethroned him.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, he earned his place for us. Too bad we don't have any good clips of him.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, that's Prince Andrew, yeah. So she had to choose her, her job over her son, essentially, and she just stripped him of all of his royalty.


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[Assistant] So, I, I, I prescribe to the Telegraph, it's an English newspaper, because first of all, their language, their use of language is so high, I had to look up three vocabulary words, just reading their newspaper, that's something smarter there.


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[Assistant] Don't they say that the American newspaper is written on a third grade level? That one is, I think. It is.


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[Assistant] Big print, big font. Uhm, but he had a defense, Prince Andrew, I read in the telegraph that he said he was getting a slice of pizza with his daughter. And that was the pizza defense is what they're calling it. It's like a pizza gate in England right now.


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[Assistant] And he said that the girl has a very poor memory. Oh, oh, and then he goes, the girl said she saw me dancing and sweating at an Epstein party. And he goes, I don't sweat. I have a glandular disorder that doesn't allow me to sweat. Therefore, she is wrong. And if that isn't like law school 101, how they teach you to invalidate somebody's argument.


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[Assistant] Like that's like you undermine the premise, the basic premise. I don't sweat undermines her argument. It's psychotic.


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[Assistant] Can I say like, I had pizza for the first time in so long. You son of a bitch. Yeah, it was so good. You piece of shit. Yeah. You fucking loser. Yeah, I was so good. How good was it? Dude, I never eat pizza.


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[Assistant] Therapeutic matches. So they make it easy and free to change therapists. What does that mean? They match it with someone you don't like? Try another one. And that's really what it's all about, finding that fit.


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[Assistant] Can I ask you questions I've wanted to ask you for 20 years?


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[Assistant] Well, I love that about, I love that about you. You're a very literary comedian and, you know, you make references and you can tell your mind works.


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[Assistant] I loved that show, and Mary Lynn Rice Cub, buddy of ours, she's been on this show a couple of times too. She's so fantastic. I love you guys. It was such an, it was like, I think we just lucked out, Tom and I, getting to grow up watching you guys. Like, you're the class ahead of us. So, I don't know. It was so fucking great. It is great.


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[Assistant] And just the golden age, like, you guys, you could say shit, you could just say shit, and you're not, there's no threat.


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[Assistant] Well, I have faith that the tide is turning, especially with what happened with Dave Chappelle this time around with Netflix, and they didn't cave. Did they cave?


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[Assistant] DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, has a huge offer for this weekend's big game.


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[Assistant] All new customers can get 56 to 1 odds on either football team to win this weekend. Bet just $5 and win $280 in free bets. If your team is victorious. Boy, my husband is betting on this big game and I can't wait to see how he does. Remember.


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[Assistant] And DraftKings Sportsbook will give new customers an additional $280 in free bets if the team they chose wins. If Sportsbook isn't available in your state yet, you still have something to play for this weekend.


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[Assistant] Fantasy football contest. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Use promo code MOM and get 56 to 1 odds on this weekend's big game.


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[Assistant] Bet just $5 and win $280 in free bets if your team wins. That's promo code MOM at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.


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[Assistant] Mommies, it's Valentine's Day and you know what you gotta do? You gotta spice it up!


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[Assistant] You gotta order some special items from adamandeve.com. I've been on adamandeve.com and I've got a whole slew of Valentine's surprises coming for Tommy and me. Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got cock rings that are fantastic. You can get handcuffs with the fur. You can get anything you want. Oils, lubricants, dildos, you name it. How are you planning to spice things up in the bedroom this Valentine's season?


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[Assistant] Valentine's lovers kit that includes an item for him, a special toy for her, and something we know you'll both enjoy. The lovers kit includes six free movies.


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[Assistant] Free Valentine stuff. That's code YMH at adamandyeve.com. Have a happy Valentine's day.


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[Assistant] So, my husband had a horrific accident, uh, last December where he broke his tib- tib- tibia. You don't say it right when you say it, you're- No, no.


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[Assistant] So we had nerve damage, so they reset the arm, right.


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[Assistant] He's actually very funny when he called me when he came out of surgery. He had a good sense of humor. But anyway, so I had this thought, like, what if, what if Tom woke up from that surgery?


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[Assistant] So the first one was, what if you woke up and he's like, your arm's great, but I gave you a bonus. And he's like, and he looks down and he gave him the biggest, blackest dick. The guy from the COVID memes, like that size.


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[Assistant] Okay, you wake up, he wakes up, and he's got, the arm works perfectly. The surgery is a success, but it's a brand new arm. And the arm has the most hateful. It was a white supremacist arm, like a prisoner's arm. It's all swastikas and like the N word everywhere, but it works better.


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[Assistant] Wow. Scene. You did it. With. That was amazing.


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[Assistant] Because it was that motionless thing you were talking about, that frozen, I think that's your cue, that you knew something was coming. That's what she does.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would say that's a month, a month, $20 by a month.


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[Assistant] I wasn't there. And, and my mom's dead, so I like, I just, I don't get involved in the mom, mom-in-law shenanigans, I'm like, whatever. I figure she makes up for my dead one, my dead mom, you know what I mean, with the drama she causes, so I don't really take over.


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[Assistant] Yes, he was the regulator of that stuff. Well now, I've gotta do it maybe. She can hate me, I don't care.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Bombus. I am wearing my Bombus socks right now. No lie. I love them so much. Bombus' mission is simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make the most comfortable clothes ever and match every item sold with an equal item donated. So when you buy bombas, you are also giving to someone in need. I love their socks. They are soft. They fit like a glove and they are designed just beautifully. I adore these socks.


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[Assistant] Bombas designed their socks, shirts, and underwear, uh, to be the clothes you can't wait to put on every day. Everything they make is soft, seamless, tagless, and has a luxuriously cozy feel. They're made from super soft materials like merino wool, pima cotton, and even cashmere.


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[Assistant] Which makes them the perfect cozy layers. There's a pair of bombas socks for everything you do. They come in tons of options like comfy performance styles for every sport and activity that keeps you moving. Go to bombas.com slash mom and get 20% off.


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[Assistant] Your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash mom for 20% off. Bombus dot com slash mom.


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[Assistant] So, I had this debate on my show, and I'm just curious, cause you're a hip guy, you're cool. Yea, I was.


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[Assistant] Wait, David Cross knows what's cool, okay? Now here's the- I did. You still- I know you do in your heart. I'm middle-aged, I'm a 45-year-old mom, I don't know what's cool anymore, kind of. But here's the deal.