[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch it somewhere. Uhm, but the way it was written was kind of like, everyone had like a chunk of dialogue where you would kind of say your own setup, your own punchline, and then your own tag as opposed to like, you saying a setup and then someone else zooming by with the punchline. Uhm, so you have these like chunks to memorize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I broke my brain because at Workaholics, it was a little bit more like passing the mic, and if we did go on a rant, it was most likely not scripted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then ever since I've done that show, I can memorize things so much easier than ever before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just cause I had to, cause I was like, well fuck I don't wanna be the guy who doesn't know it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and now to read something, memorizing it, it's, unless there's like a weird fucking, every once in a while there'll be something that I just can't click with. That'll be like, this line will not transfer in my brain for some reason. Do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Meryl Streep apparently, like, she can read a script once or twice and has it memorized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she just can read it a few pages. And I'm like, well no wonder you're good then. Yeah, exactly. If I could memorize like that and have it baked into my soul that quick. I'd be so good. Uh, well, do you remember, do you remember the table read?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm with you on that. To go from A to B. I think I told this story on the pod, but since we're doing that, uhm, in my- Yeah, tell it again. In my chem read with her, she like fully cried when she was supposed to cry. As opposed to just like, alright, let's see if this guy's any good, and I'll kinda like read with him. She like went in and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is crazy. We're in a tiny, tiny room with three other people and somehow she just, uh, fully cried and did the scene for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Kyle, while you were gone, I cried watching the new Ghostbusters. You did. The Paul Rudd one? The Paul Rudd one, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what, as your tough friend, as I'm sure I'm for everyone, uhm, it's tough not to be that anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being at like a, a house of a neighbor, a friend growing up and seeing their, the parents who were like heavier, seeing their wedding picture and being like, oh my god, who is that? And kind of putting it together and going, oh, like, oh, that was a few hundred pounds ago. Sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a little bitch. Was spicy KFC out yet at this point? Oh my god. Game changer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, shout out to Brown's Chicken, a Chicagoland staple of the 90s that doesn't exist anymore. Oh, here's a short story that no one will understand. The Brown's Chicken murders happened in like the early 90s where a bunch of people got murdered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, at a brown's chicken, cut to like 15 years later, my family goes to Europe where my brother was living and we, we, in Germany, we go to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower. We're in line to go up the Eiffel Tower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the person behind us goes, did you hear? They found out who did the brown's chicken murders. And we all turn around and go, I'm sorry, did you just talk about the brown's chicken murders? And they're like, yeah. Who, well, who did it? Some fucking guy. And then some like Matt, like I think it was like an angry girlfriend was like, he did it. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't hear it. Let's hear it. Wait, is there like a air bong, like air guitar championships?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, slide in Kyle's DMs with your, uh, with your air bong rip videos and send them to Kyle. We'll pick one and give you a mention in the retweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think you wrapped up in overdrive fees?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is happening, but also like how much you should have in your, like I have like my checking account that just has like a few G's and then there's like the other G's that I've never even touched, right? So what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for, I think they did it for me. Honestly, I think I had one that was open that I was like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, but yea, but aren't, don't boobs very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, how about, how about how they have those banks and churches? What's up with like the first third bank of whatever? Or like the first seventh Baptist? Like, I don't understand that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've never seen like a sign for a church that's like the second, third Presbyterian whatever and you're like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The locking up, you can't go anywhere now kids, guess what? Jesus is watching you sling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody stop me from reading another verse of the Bible!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It always was to lure you in. You were like, cool, I'm gonna sleep over with girls. And then like, at midnight they go, girls were locking you all in here, boys you're gonna be all in here jacking off together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was just a hot emo girl, right? That was the thing? She was not really that hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you crash a high school prom, uh, and you're with other people and you start taking photos, don't you go like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go leave. No, he was drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There wasn't, there was no like dancing, Adam doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there? Yeah. Yeah, you can sign up for the army and get murdered, but you can't light up a dupe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but as I'm saying is that it would be very confusing if he did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, uh, the people, I would say like, if Joe Biden said we're gonna change it to the metric system, civil war would start, right? But if Trump did- You're not that guy, pal, trust me. Everyone would just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yes, Adam, if you don't know that something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the right side, yes. Wait, Germany, Germany is on the right side. The right side, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were shaving their arms, but the thing is like now they don't shave their arms at all as far as I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great deal to just cook parts of your eyeball off so you can see better, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What up? For decades, for years, hundreds of years maybe. There were dude gynecologists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can you imagine being in med school and being like, so what are you going to do, uh, podiatrist, I'm going to be a doctor for kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a good dude, I gotta do this or some other creep's gonna do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, I was just thinking because of the end of Animal House, it like says what they're doing in Otter. It says like, gynecologist Beverly Hills, California. And it's like, cause he's got it made. And you're like, well, creepy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Okay. But also looking back, I'm like, yeah, I guess he is the kind of guy that would do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All those OC orthopedic surgeons. My buddy Bill was telling me about the guy who like gave him a new, uh, neck bone or something like that. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just a super handsome bro who pulled up in like a Ferrari, worked on him for two hours, and was like, whoosh, whoosh, with the gloves, and then just peaced out to go golf. And, I assume, fuck hella chicks in the sand train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Right. Right. Yeaah. They must. They have to. Doctor Bones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, yeaah. See? Blake, you're onto something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you gotta pay the bills. Uh, I know I do only calf implants. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had the fucking nicest office I've ever seen a doctor have in Beverly Hills on Rodeo Drive and I was like, oh this dude's been working and all he does, I think it was like they only operate on Tuesdays and Thursdays and he just does like 40 a day because they take 15 minutes and he just goes back and forth kills it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burning off, uh, warts and shit. Have you guys ever had a wart on your toes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have. I have, yes. Isn't that cool when you get the bandaid and you put it on and like it curls the skin around it and then the wart just rolls off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, you know what, on a, hey guys, on a serious note, I'm glad it's not that bad and I hope no one else catches it from me. On a very serious note. You know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very good. How you doing, Blake? Thanks for joining us here this morning, Matt. Let's talk about the film Dope. Give us a little bit of the premise here. There's basically, you're basically teaching these high school seniors how to get into a little bit of trouble or how to do things without getting into trouble, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's the most important, bottom line, critical thing happening on this planet. Today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he like wiggles a lot, yeah. Let's get it on! And Michael Buffer's like all clean, cut, cool. Oh yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and pretty classic line, like, I mean, you can't even say it without him suing your ass, so I think you just got sued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he says like, he says like, let's get it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what we should do? We should, uh, we should be the guy for the UFC. I would, I'd do that. I'd go to a UFC match and announce it. You know, Dana White, uh, I'm assuming he follows all three of us. He follows me on Instagram. He's DM'd me before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. You fitspire me. Can I be honest? I wanna be a fitspiration for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For everyone out there, uh, we just got back from shooting the movie, shooting Outlaws in Atlanta, just got back yesterday, and uh, Isaac, our manager who was with me the entire time, he was the executive producer on this movie, which, I mean, he didn't do anything, he sat behind monitors, ate,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally eating snacks, it's a great gig. If you can ever become an executive producer on a movie where your client is the lead, uh, do it because it's just free snacks, you don't have to do anything, uh, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, normally I'm a real dump truck and by the end of a production I'm like, oh I gained 38 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I did have fun, yeah. And did you eat well? I ate great. Yeah, I ate great. You know what I didn't do? I didn't have dinner that often because I was so tired by the end of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ate an awesome lunch because the catering was really good, so I had all the catering food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the middle of the day. Eating in the middle of the day is the best time. Because then you can, you can eat like a fucking pig. Eating after midnight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then you don't, so what I was, what my game plan was, I'm gonna eat like a monster for lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jane, well- I forget what it is, I would like a quick-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Admittedly, I'm sort of joking, I feel like out of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that I have the grossest farts out of all of us. I feel like it sucks because Kyle's not here anymore and obviously he's the go-to smelliest one and it'd be easy to know that he has the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause I don't fart that much. And you guys, I think you guys, maybe when I do fart, it's a real potent brew because I don't fart that often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm, I'm, it's fermenting, I'm letting it ferment in my body. You fart jankum. I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You forget that we spent so much time together in the Workaholics Writer's Room for what, seven years? Six years? That we were, and we're with each other for twelve, fourteen hours a day, five, six days a week, for years. So, and we lived together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but I'm saying, if it is me, I'll gladly own up to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear about the girl selling her farts for like, she was making like 40 grand a month or something? Some like, TikTok girl? Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, like, a special brew. Like, maybe my farts are so potent that, like, if you're in, you're, like, that's your weird kink. Maybe I'm the guy, maybe I fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little side hustle, side biz, you know, I do movies, I do TV, I'm a podcaster, and I sell farts. And I kind of do it all. I'm a true- Aroma therapist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone, everyone knows that one. Yeah, everyone knows that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the name Bruce has come and gone. I don't know if anyone's naming their child Bruce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grandpa and grandma names are coming back. We're talking if, you know, if and when Chloe gets pregnant, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of grandma names in the midst that we're, that we're pitching on. What are you thinking? Dorothy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's weird that he just kinda showed up at his door and the wife is like, no, let him come in. You know, you guys are old friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's revealed that they used to, uh, suck and fuck each other when they were kids. And, uh, that's kind of the, the, the crazy term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, no. It's my chocolate bar. No, it's not. Freddy got, Freddy got fingered is my Freddy got fingered. That's true. I love that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember watching Freddy Godfinger on the, we, uh, me and Austin Anderson, who I moved out to California with, uh, good buddy of ours, uh, he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in a hotel room staying with his dad, like, looking for colleges when I was 18, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we were gonna go to, like, Boulder, and so, uh, we were out there looking at the college and that kind of stuff, and in that hotel room that night, we snuck off, smoked some weed, and then came back and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. I'm gonna try to get you guys, uh, one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is not a different, yeah, it's, it's two mix, I believe. So you, uh, yeah, so this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mix with like a, uh, a 7up or whatever and it was fucking delicious last night. I'm gonna score you guys a couple of these. Please do, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm willing to try for a podcast. I bet we would be on the fucking moon. It's 60 milligrams, so that's... You're flying real high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if we were better at what we do, podcasting, we would have released our hardcore pornographic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dyrs likes to call out lulz. That's his thing. Do you do that in a conversation? If, if, uh, you're at a party or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I heard. In a conversation, do you call that out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. What happened was, uh, I just got, um, our, the wedding video. You guys are shining, shining bright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, in the wedding videos, uh, Blake's speech. Home run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, who's on first? Fox News is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like I had to be earnest, it was so, I felt so awkward. Something about being earnest when you're like a comedy, when you're a comedy person, it feels so, I'm a comedy person, uh, it feels so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks buddy. Blake is better than Durz and I at being earnest. I will say that. He's way better at being earnest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's to each their own. You could do whatever the fuck you want to do. I'm just saying, it's like a huge cultural shift that now, like you can't even shit on anyone anymore. Like that's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like fucking touchy about it, and you're like, hey man, what, you know, and you're like, no, no, no, he's a buddy of mine, I'm just shitting on him, we're very good friends, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, cause that's not even my style of comedy is being mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm joking with my friends, I wouldn't call it, it's not like mean-spirited, most of the time, sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think it is like the pandemic thing where everyone got in a real dark place that like any negativity, which I kind of got that too, like I didn't want to watch any shows that are movies that kind of bummed me out or made me sad. Like I watch, uh, Nomadland? Nomadland? Is that the name of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was just like fucking depressing and I'm like, and it was during the middle of the pandemic, I'm like, I don't want to watch this shit. Uh, and I think that's why, um, Ted Lasso is such a hit. Like, I don't think it's the funniest show that's ever came out. I think it's a- Oh, wow, you're alone. You're alone there. I know. Shut up, bitch!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to, and you put it out too. Like that's the thing, like Keanu Reeves was just being a nice as fuck person and not posting about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actors in, in comics who are just like outwardly like posting about all the nice shit they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what it is. Here's what I think happened to Durz. Someone was like, dude, can you read my script and, and give me some notes? And, and you could stop me if I'm wrong, but this is what I think happened. Go ahead. And, uh, and, and give me some notes. I'd love to hear your opinion on this. Uh, I think you're great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders reads it. Ders is a tough critic. He'll tell you what he's thinking. And it's a good way to be especially if you're trying to get notes on a project. And you gave all the notes. That person's like, nah, fuck you, you're wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or, give me more notes, or give, keep going with the notes. Here I, I'm gonna fix it, I'm gonna give it back to you. Now you're like working for this person, you're like, I just wanted to do the one goddamn thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you, you give your time, you wanna do something nice for something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you're going like, uh, you know what, this is a charity that I believe in, I'm gonna help out a little bit, I'm gonna give my time, I'm gonna lend my voice or my face to, to help push this, um, thing forward. And then they just will not stop asking you for shit. It makes you go like, well dang, I was trying to be a good person, but I don't want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to be, uh, every, like three times a week, be dealing with this, like it's another job. It makes you go like, I should be a shittier person and maybe not care about the XYZ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to and you're a piece of shit if you leave though. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it seems like she's gonna be bummed on it, but I bet she's gonna be a little bummed that I'm gonna be bugging her to suck on her titties, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, because I'm trying to talk about titty milk and you guys don't even like, uh, I was like really wanting to go down this. Is it sweet? Is it about like what they- It's good, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is insane, that doesn't seem like it's a bottle, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see if there's any jizz for sale, because I don't think you could buy jizz. It's crazy that you could buy titty milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what's that? Something fake, Jez? Oh, so, for like, if you're shooting a porno, and then, so, admittedly, I'm not a big shooter. Like, if I'm shooting a porno, it'd be, the cumshot would be disappointing. It'd be like, oh, well, all that work. A dribbler? All that work, and it's just like a, uh, inactive volcano? It looks like it... Yeah, it dropped in all that work, and it's just dribblin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the Astroglide bucket hat that they gave us, uh, we, Astroglide has now sponsored the podcast, they gave us an Astroglide bucket hat. It's sick. I'll rock that. I'll fuck up an Astroglide bucket hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and just a poor girl. I almost think that this, she didn't pose for this. You don't think she likes that? I feel like this is CGI'd on her face. It's just like a girl photo. It looks like a stock Getty Images photo of just a girl smiling with her eyes closed and then they just hosed her down. I hope she got paid really well for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's rough. If you, uh, if you didn't get paid, if it's like a hundred dollars or something, and then now your face is covered in jizz selling...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she went very ham. Yeah, she doesn't look that. She looks like she's putting up with it. Yeah, this is... That's not it. So 200 milliliters of fake sperm cum, all capitalized, lube, water-based, creamy, lifelike, unscented, semen-sex lubricant. A lot of words. That's when you know it's foreign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just using too many words. They over-describe it. Yea, they like, way over-describe what it is. They're like, yea, we get that it's wet, wet, juicy. Yea, wet, wet, juicy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, you can't do that, like even though that's a great idea to relieve stress at work, we talked about this I think in a podcast, either one or two podcasts ago, uh, taking a stroke break, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't do that nowadays, like that, like, I feel like maybe even 10 years ago, you could have passed that, that could have slipped past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. H.R. And they're like, hey, you know what, it would relieve stress. Here's, yeah, just, here's a room that you could jerk off in. Go for it. This is the jerk-off room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm going, when I shoot, uh, this Pitch Perfect show, I'm going to Germany and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I hear there's like really weird stuff over there. That I'm kind of like, I've never seen anything. I'm kind of excited to see some weird weirdo stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's like weird sex clubs or something. Like the Bergheim or something. I think I've been told that. And that's like a famous techno dance club place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I believe so. I think it's Burgheim, and it's like a famous German, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But evidently like really weird stuff goes down and I'm kind of like, well what would shock me? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in Berlin. It could have been even worse. But evidently it's like super exclusive, like they only allow a certain amount of people in and it runs from like Friday at like 10pm to Sunday at like 6am on Monday or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! And they're like, nah, get the fuck out of the line. Not you. It's like Studio 54. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, I was just like, I don't know, like, what, would that, what is gonna shock me there? Or if he'd be like, yea, some weird, that's some weird shit. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just hosed myself with it and that's how I show up to the front door and they're like, for sure you guys can come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, still clear of the eyes. The portal to the soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who knows if that happened or not, and you would like to take that back, uh, in case it did. Yeah. And I understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never know. You never know when a good dude will, will punch you in the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it, is it called Sia? What, I don't even see one, oh, Sia, S-I-Y-I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I call it 20mg fake sperm cum lube water based creamy lifelike unscented semen sex lubricant. Right, that is what it's called. I love that they're giving a discount on this website for 5% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well sure, or maybe it's for guys that like, they literally just, it's just dust comes out, so they like, quickly, and then they'll pull out, squirt a little bit in the condom, and be like, oh, look at how much, and then they show it off, they're like, hey babe, look at how much I actually came in this condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if I could pronounce it or find it, I would say- Luxury?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leather, yellow leather. A big brown bug bit a big brown bear. A big brown bug bit a big brown bear. What a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A distinctly difficult thing to say, but harder still to do. And there'll be a tattoo and a ratatatoo and a ratatatatatatatoo and the dragon will come when he hears the drum in a minute or two to tune today. A dragon will come. In a minute or two to two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's how they make their money. They don't spend any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is the graphics kinda like, is it like throwback, like 3D computer graphics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did, did Pierce see you rockin' it, and was he like, 007?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. What was the polo one that came in the green bottle and had a gold top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, dude, I'm gonna put some cologne on my dick, bro. Make my dick smell good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must have been the most terrifying thing. Your mom ran in while your cock was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, were you about to tell us, were you about to tell us your favorite cologne? Well, please say it's the Michael Jordan cologne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I tried to for a little bit, right? Didn't you guys? You guys never had a little stint with body spray?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think we lost our smelliest member.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting stinkier. Are you? I'm getting stinkier. I think so. Yeah, like my feet are starting to kind of smell bad. Probably just gotta, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, why do we, why do feet start to stink later in life? I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why do people give such a shit about feet? Like they get so grossed out by them and shit. I don't really fucking care. Like, it's just feet. I don't get that either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's mixed messages. You're getting people horny, you're getting people pissed. Feet are just a very dividing subject, really. Some people want to fuck them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never done a Peloton. People just like it because you race each other in real time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That seems really fucked up. They must be fucking pissed. By the way, Mr. Big, how old is that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was re- It's like, like dirty and shit, right? Like, I guess I just gotta fuckin' watch it. People love it. Yea, it's pretty. This definitely is frozen again into the weirdest space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez man, you got a whole fucking training facility, dude. That's an assault runner. Why aren't you super in shape? What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your big dick couldn't take it bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's gonna be the next episode is the girl sitting around in the doctor office. What's a movie? Is it a movie or is it a TV show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the next one's gonna be like, well, uh, looks like just too much blood was pumping into his huge cock and he just died. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know, remember that YouTube video of her? You guys gotta look this up, uh, TII Nation. It's this old YouTube video of her doing like scat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like sadada way, she's like, oh yea, and she killed, and she killed her. It's so funny dude, it's so funny. She's like, the, the he-dogs and she-dogs, it's really good. All, all I know is, what is this from? It's just like a YouTube clip from like, she did like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah buddy, banging pots and pans. I don't know what- I haven't done something for New Years in a while. It's kind of a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, no, I, no, that is totally it. With New Years, it's so much pressure to have fun. I get so worked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the point of even trying? We're just not doing New Years right. We need to get all like dressed in gold, wear masks, go in a room with each other, and kinda just fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it with the, like, grandmas wearing purple hats? Is that a thing? Am I making- Just stop. Did you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was your grandmother? Uh huh. No, there's a thing, like there's this club of grandmas that all wear like purple hats. That's a real thing, dude. You're thinking of Jambi from Pee Wees Playhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No guys, I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. It's not purple. We know. It's a red hat. It's a red hat. It's called the Red Hat Society. And all the grandmas wear red hats and they wear purple dresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Red Hat Society, it's an international social organization and it was founded in 1998 in the United States for women age 50 and beyond. But it's now open to women of all ages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, listen to these activities. Both red and pink hatters often wear very elaborate, decorated hats and attention-getting fashion accessories. Such as feather boa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The society's events vary depending on the chapter, but common activities among Red Hatters include hosting tea parties, playing games, and going to movies. I wanna be a grandma. God, I wish I was chunking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want a chunk out of the Red Hat Society? That shit is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They probably get fucked up. They don't, they drink tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, uh huh. Weed smoking grannies, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think these grandmas get fuckin' torched, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very fun. My grandma plays, what fucking card game? She plays it like every day with her homie. Bridge. Yeah, she plays bridge every day with her homies. That's a grandma game for sure. That's a grandma card game. And they for sure, you're for sure drinking while you do it, right? It's like sipping wine playing bridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna be in the same room with you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting hammered and watching movies is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't your dad like a big weightlifter back in the day? Well, I guess we should just tell everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to talk about my father. Yeah, he was a, he was a wrestler in college and high school, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I would ever feel great doing it, but yea, if they're coming from my family, and if they're gonna kill your family, you gotta do it. But that's actually like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, well I actually, it's a, it's a YouTube hole I sometimes fall down, it's very intriguing, but you can watch like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I see, I like that. I think my favorite is that there's like a gunman of sorts and I'm in my car and I can just kind of turn and run them over. Then I think I'm feeling okay. I think I could do vehicular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, remember because one of the conspiracies is that people claim it wasn't real. It was like all actors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was learning it when, uh, uh, Kyle and I were gonna do this movie Sex Castle, it's based off of a comic book, and we were going down the path, like we had the script and everything, and I started to do fight training, and I was doing nunchuck training, and it was hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think we pissed a couple of them off. I remember, like, there was, like, Blaze or something wanted to, like, beat our ass or something. Or the guys from Twisted. I don't know. It was out of love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not good. Dude, this is really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Li-li-li-li-li-limping into the week post, brosarchs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm feeling, I'm feeling pretty good. Frick, let's, uh, before we do that, let's shout out, uh, good mornings. Let's shout out good mornings in friendship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, Stan Halen must have called in and said, yo bro, uh, hook up dem boys. Zuh, brozarks. Yeah, Oakley's rep. Uh, he's an Oakley's rep, and we all have pretty sick wraparound Oakleys for the weekend. Adam, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, Blake, what happened was it was supposed to start at 11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's give him his flowers. I saw Isaac's butthole. 50 year old man's very white, pink butthole. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He woke us up at like 10.30 and was like, yo, the podcast starts in like 30 minutes. And we were all like, no, it doesn't. And then at noon we finally got it going and boy were we firing last week. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause it was, it was, Dennis Devine was like, don't worry, here's the breakdown. Sandwiches this day, uh, we're gonna have bratwurst this day, we're gonna have, uh, burgers, and we're gonna have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the breakdown. Everyone got in Thursday night. We got very, very drunk, passed out, woke up the next morning, did the podcast. It was pretty uneventful that podcast because we hadn't done most of the bachelor party activities yet. We just got really drunk the one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're hungover for it and we're like, someone pissed the bed. And that's, that was the main event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go on the boat and then suddenly it's like, uh, hey, let's go, let's go to the bar. And I'm like, okay. And then we go to the bar. There's like 15 of us and I'm the only one with a credit card. So I bought us all drinks. You're welcome. Flowers for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we showed us them their butts. I think maybe one nipple came out. I don't quite remember. You're skipping over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ass out for, and boats are driving past, like, people are skiing and they're coming to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is me doing, okay. That's your voice. I could have sworn, cause she started going like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best friends. Or any man, like in person. I've never seen their actual butthole. But I've seen Durses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the form on it was exquisite. I'm like, if the rest of us tried that, we wouldn't have been able to get our hands back there to get the full spread. It was like a diver level move and I was very proud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope that's where your career goes. I hope that's the turn that you make where you're just hosting cool diving shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird when that happens, when, when they go to, uh, the, the girlfriends in the crowd. That's happened a few times where announcers are just too horned up. And they're like, yo, chill dude, this is, this is this guy's girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yessir. So then we make it back to the- we're back to the dock, we're butt naked, it's dinner time. And by the way, let's just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why they, uh, that's why they don't wanna ever come visit me anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, come out to Orange County, come to the beach house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, by the way, I've never seen them. My parents haven't seen them yet. I'm sure there are, but it's not like they're all over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, since Kyle wasn't drinking, he was up always at the crack of dawn, on that ski, putting in like, I was always like, how are we out of gas again on the jet skis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, how are we always out of gas? It's cause you and Kyle Walsh were just going on like three hour jet ski rides everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jet skis are the type of thing that people like shit on jet skis. People like shit on jet skis. Why? I don't know. I think they think it's like white trash or something to be jet skiing. I don't get it. I love jet skis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I ride a jet ski, I mean I live on the, like I have a dock at my house. I should own two jet skis, but admittedly riding jet skis in the ocean is not as fun as on a lake. On a lake, it's nice and calm. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you could also not do that. You know what I mean? Like on a lake you have an option to not do that. In the ocean it's constant, you have to keep jumping and there's no reprieve from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. Yeah, I like that too. That's badass. So then we go to, then we, we have this, uh, like party bus that's taking us to the event. Driven, driven by. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't want to call out names, cause I don't know if people get sensitive about stuff, but our one friend, uh, just kept playing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and it makes sense for later, for the, as the night progressed, we understand how, where it started and where it shall end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. So they, uh, we go to the restaurant. Michael's Steak Chalet, here at Lake of the Ozarks. Let's shout them out. Love this place. Thank you Michael.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, what an awesome restaurant to go to. Like, can't tell you what the food tasted like, but- Oh dude, I had salmon!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we go and they have like what they call the wine house, which is like a separate bar restaurant just off to the side that is specifically for private parties. So we had the run of the place. There was no one around and we just got to throw down and we came in hot hot hot hot hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like a full Jaeger fountain that just kept pouring Jaeger, so you would stick a cup in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's where, that's where it started, and then, uh, and then we all, you know, we're all sitting down, we're, uh, ordering, and then, I don't, I forget who started. I think it was Isaac. I think Isaac might have started off. He took his shirt off. Like right after he ordered. I'm not sure who started it, but if it's Isaac, big, big props to Isaac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're, and then we're like, uh oh, let's start drinking in earnest. And we are just chugging drinks, hitting, like we have our own private bar with our own bartender. That guy was awesome. He's pouring us drinks, he's pouring us shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big Michael Steakchalet fans in Lake of the Ozarks, if you come here, go to Michaels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I talked with the bartender guy for a little bit and he was telling me that it used to be like a mafia hangout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like to get to my, uh, aunt and uncle's house, it's a 15, 10, 15 minute drive. It's over an hour and a half by boat. It's just how the lake works. Wow. I don't get that. Yeah, so it's pretty crazy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're able to just drive over here and it snakes around so you gotta go all the way up and all the way down around to get to their house. But you could just drive right over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's other places, like you can't get to Shady Gators from my parents' house, uh, by, by car. It would take like an hour. But by boat, it's, it's like a three minute-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you called it early Friday night because you had to, uh, you had a big family day the next day and a big travel day, so I totally understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, and you would have. My hangover was so severe. It was a legit, I've never, I've barely had a two day hangover in my life. I maybe had like one or two of those ever. Uh, this was like a legit three day hangover. And this is too much information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the th- the third day, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I did, I like, food sounded disgusting. I didn't eat anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, so it was like a legit three day banger for me, which I've never experienced. I was like looking up like, do I have alcohol poisoning? Like am I, am I dying? You definitely do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's never like, a comfortable, like, oh this is a comfy rug, and here's a blanket, and here's a little pillow, I'll just, I'll just crash here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's weird is I didn't, uh, I never blacked out. I didn't like truly black out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So two of these, so we wrap up dinner. Meanwhile, Atiba picked up the whole check for the dinner. Did you guys know that? Thank you. Thank you, Antiba. That was incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, big thanks to him. So anyways, so we, uh, are wrapped up at dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paid for it, we're out, we're trying to see what we're gonna do next, we're gonna go to some bars on the strip area. Durs set the two brothers in, into a car to, to Uber home. To go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were done, they were totally, they were totally cooked. And we were like, we still got a little, I mean, also we were all sauced up, but I'm like, hey, we're going, we're going forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well we, I mean, I feel like that bar we just, we went to the bar Marty Bird's, which is a Lake of the Ozarks bar based off the character Marty Bird in the show The Ozarks. And I get that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's spelled differently. They changed it just enough so they wouldn't get sued, but essentially it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then, yeaah, and then stay there for like an hour or so, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, there was a couple that were open, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys missed that chat. What does that mean? We went to some strip club. What? That was called- Super cutty one. That, that was, it was like the real strip club closed, and then, and then we're like, we got there and we're like, oh it's closed, and then there's literally like a shed next door. Exactly next door. Exactly next door that they can't serve alcohol at. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paid the covers or whatever, we get, we go in. We're there for like 20 minutes. And, and, and then Akko and Atibo, we find out that they're lost and then we're like, we gotta go find them!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so we bail from there, we go to the neighborhood that we think that we got dropped off at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're walking through screaming these guys, their names, so loudly that I was hoarse the next day. Like I couldn't talk the next day because I'm like SCREAM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are managers like going up to the address that we thought they got dropped off at and like checking the doors? Oh, Kyle's doing that, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then we're like, we, we, we are like, we have to go home. We've checked everything. We've checked, we checked multiple hotels. We called the police department. We called the, the hospitals to see if they're like there. And we're like, we don't know what to do. And my, my dad keeps going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're like, we know, we know dad, but we don't know like what to do or where to go. We're at the end of our trail. And then he goes, he goes, you guys can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a war movie, man. And so we end up, we go home, we make it home around 4am, we're all exhausted, we're wet, we're drunk. It started raining as well. It's raining and there's nowhere to be found.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there, there are nowhere to be found. We have multiple houses. My parents' house, a house that a neighbor let us use, and then an Airbnb. We checked all three homes. They're not here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on my parents little peninsula. And so we're like, we have no idea. Hopefully they made a friend and they're sleeping at someone's house on someone's couch or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we're like, I have no idea. Or maybe they got a hotel, and we kept being like, they're smart enough to just get a hotel. They're smart enough to get a hotel. They're adults! And so, uh, which is true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so happy. I was like, I'm gonna wake up, and either it's gonna be the best news ever, and this bachelor party was a huge success, and something that we'll talk about forever, and it's super fun, and I love having these stories, or it's the saddest,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so the guy's like, I have to drop you guys off. Thank you for buying me beers. And I think maybe he was drinking beers in the car with these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's them, it's them walking through my parents' neighborhood. By the way, three blocks from the house that they could have slept in. From multiple homes that they could have slept in. Three blocks away. A lot of beds. A lot of empty beds. Yea, Blake wasn't using his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just walked around until they were like, we can't, it's also, it's pouring rain, it's lightning out. They're like, we can't do this, we gotta find shelter. And they found like a shed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a machine shed that they slept in and curled up into a tractor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was truly incredible, because the next day, the next day, right, it's, we have a whole more, uh, one whole other day. Oh, and that day was epic. Friday was the blowout day, where we, we, you know, blasted it to the ceiling, and we were like, okay, we gotta do it again, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we jet skied and then went to multiple lake bars where we just, you know, were in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was Shady Gators. Shady Gators was the one that was on. Well, they were claiming it too. They were claiming it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, nah, I'm not going to get COVID. And then by the third day, I'd like started to look up COVID symptoms. And by the way, it's just every symptoms you get when you're super hungover. It's like, you're like, oh, diarrhea, fatigue, uh, maybe a runny nose or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big shout out to, uh, to Dennis, Dennis Devine, uh, for, for keeping it all together, for keeping Blake alive. Uh, we were, when we were coming back from the second pool bar,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were all pretty shit faced at this time. We were passing around a jug of vodka and we had a keg on the boat that we were pouring into each other's mouths and just chugging out of the vodka handle. And then Blake, as we were cruising,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yes, yes, Murphy Lee was there. Uh, these, these BB dubs were, were dancing and they were like, whose bachelor party is it? I'm like, mine, I'm just sort of like leaning up against something and all of a sudden I just feel like, BOOM!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, okay, that makes sense. And, and so we're coming back on the boat. We're cruising, we're going like, we're not like flying, but we're going 25, 30 miles an hour on, in the, uh, the pontoon, the tritoon. My dad gets offended when you call it a pontoon because there's an extra tune. It's a tritoon. And so we're, we're driving back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Blake just, uh, goes, I'm jumping out. My dad's like, trying to grab him like, Blake, don't, don't. And then he jumps off the side, almost gets sucked underneath the side of the boat. And then, and then we're east. I mean, we have to pull him in and then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I truly remember you jumping out as we were cruising. Well that's a little less dumbass. No no no no no no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big shout out to Hot Pocket, Oakleys, and uh, thank you guys for making the trip out to the bachelor party. I'd like to thank all of you guys. Everyone that was on the bachelor party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was, hang on, uh, because it is a very long travel day. It's like a very long travel day to get to the Ozarks. It's usually a connecting flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, then once you land, it's a legitimate three hour drive to get here. So, thank you guys, uh, for coming. I know it was a pain in the ass, but I really appreciated it. Dennis Devine really appreciated it. And, uh, thank you guys very much. Absolutely. True brosges for life. I do want to compliment the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the one regret is that we didn't do fireworks. Fireworks are legal in Missouri. They have awesome fireworks stands. We could have stopped by one and like full on like warehouses full of fireworks that we could have gotten like a cool spread and uh, shut off fireworks but that didn't happen. You know, with bachelor parties


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you, uh, you rock and rolled on the dock. You punk rocked on the dock, so. The dock at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I first, for sure, Chloe came in the day that you guys left. She came in Sunday and then she just watched me be the most hungover person she's ever seen in three days. And a big shout out to Chloe for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a personal, well yea, that was blurring the boundaries between like personal and professional. Like personal, I'll talk about mugging with you all day. Professionally, I don't want to bring it up again. Okay, okay. Guess what? We didn't bring it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we not swear anymore? Dang it guys, no more swearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also Blake, just take a moment and visualize it. You got avocado toast coming and you're putting scrambled fucking eggs on the toast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one that's like cooked, they open it in hot ass water. That's poached, right? Where it's like you drop it in the water and then the water cooks it together and it looks like calm baking. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope I, I hope I can add to it today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that shit doesn't bother me. Like, that doesn't bother me at all. I'm here sitting and it might as well get the whiff of the purest form. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toast is wildly, wildly overpriced. It's a great snack at your house but a horrible deal at a restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you Anders. Not a bad take. No, I'm with Ders. Oh, that's a terrible- what? They're dry!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You ever had a fondue set? Your parents never had a fondue set growing up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what fondue is. What do you mean? What's fondue then? What's fondue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so far they all suck. Okay, come at me motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're morbidly obese. Not morbid, I'm just obese. Let's chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Water points. So 70 miles an hour. Can you like, uh, I've seen people take jet skis and like catch some air off something and then dive them under the water. Have you ever seen people do this? Those are, those are jet ski, jet skis. You're talking about wave runners, right Adam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good idea. I'll send my hammock out there and maybe a tent or something. I have a feeling it's going to come to that. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause they fuck with those wires all the time, man. That's like just, what the, that's like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you get the hard boiled and the easy, all that? Do you understand it now? Or like, did we make any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I liked Matt Hoffman, I think. He was like, ex-gamer. That was cool. Yeah, if he fell again, he was gonna have a fuckin' brain trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like even before COVID and Coronavirus, people were like, we're not ready for the games, like ever. Like they don't have the infrastructure, they get the contract eight years before or whatever, and then they forget, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So theirs is only about the covid, that's why they don't think they should have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't bring that to me. Yeah, I guess I totally get what they're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, they could actually see if it was a problem before they committed to not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there awards? That'd be cool. I'd like to, I'd like to practice our, our sink swimming thing in Ozarks if we could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought it was just going to be high stakes best. I'm down for high stakes bets, but like I said, I'm going to be wearing a t-shirt pretty much the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It is. It absolutely is. Thin crust. It's a thin crust. It's loaded with whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hypocrisy on this podcast. You're so fucking stupid. You guys are dumb as fuck. There's clear lines here. Fondue, okay let me clear it up motherfuckers. Fondue is something you do at home. I'm not at a restaurant. It's fun for me to pretend like I'm at a restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just cracked the seal, play with the medium, and then you guys will follow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I have ideas. I have ideas for how I'm gonna use this medium and you guys are gonna be like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like me and Adam used to just like withstand with it and fight like that, like put them over our head and then fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I apologize for saying the word mung again. It's just not my, it's not gonna be my style to continually talk about disgusting stuff such as munging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little ASMR, is that what it's called? ASMR. Should we do that? Should we, should we tickle some ears? Yeah, it's weirdly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, have you guys seen these videos where like the microphone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like suck on the ear and the mic picks up all the noises. I have seen this. This is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it stands for audio sexual motherfuckers. Sexual motherfuckers. Relaxed. Really out here. Return to back, return to normalcy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's fully blitzed of just, nah he tweakin', nah they tweakin', nah she tweakin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's Doc, Doc's that dude. But let's talk about this, cause Lil Nas X, he put blood in the air pocket of like a Satan shoe like a few months ago, right? A Nike, a Nike shoe. A Nike, it was not a Nike product, but he did it. Put out a bunch of them, you could buy them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is fucking sick, okay? Yeaah. This is an artist, he's doing his thing, and people went after him. They were like, you don't fuck with that. Tony Hawk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is putting blood in the paint that goes on a skateboard and everyone's like, pretty rad. Got no heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He brought in Satan. Look, Nike was not stoked on it, but the backlash came from the public that was like, well now you're fucking with Satan? We're not on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But guys, hang on a second. That's some Halloween shit. That's not real. Satan's not real. Well, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I shower, thank you. When I shower, I like to put my face in it, rinse the soap off my face, but I had a shower where I couldn't even put my face, I couldn't put my face in it because it hurt too bad, like it would get my eyeballs.


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[Assistant] Can you post, will you post a video when this drops of you showering and just so people know your etiquette?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you say? Yeaah. We don't know, we don't know what you said, but 1920 for sure, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tie the napkin around your neck? You're like, this is fancy, I'm tucking in and up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, season of the pests. I feel like we gotta leave it up to the aruguloids, cause this is a betrayal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's a bunch of songs about the devil, like, like shout at the devil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was going to say, or is it very Christian? You know, they got a history. We all got a history. Yup, yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is this person who's writing this song? If I had a little Jesus in a little white box, and why is white good and black bad? Guys, it's all fucked up. Yeaah, it's all weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And why's it gotta be a box? Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you see those, you see those chickens? You see the chickens walking around?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, it's a pretty awesome place to work, except for when you need to get shit done, aka work. Yeah, you're flip-flopping like, I feel like, I feel like it might have ruined Hawaii for you. And I feel bad because Hawaii is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I was gonna say you're dipping in the weird world of adults that are obsessed with Disneyland and Disney World. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you said you went camping and now you've gone to Disney World in Vegas? That's pretty good, dude. Yea, your family was killing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that you're outside picking it up off the ground like it's the fucking parade from Batman or Joker throughout all the cash and people are going crazy. Oh, okay. I love that. Good ref, good ref. I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause on the radio stations, they'd be like, they had this thing called, Starbeat presents what's happening, and then it'd be like, this weekend at Xtaliberts, ladies night only, like, you know, they'd do the commercials on the radio, it was so fucking tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was deep inside, deep, deep, deep inside, and that's why when Kanye put that on the album I said he's come home, he's back to Chicago, he's back to his roots. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, cancer is one thing, but it's definitely not good for you. Yeaah. I mean, we're gonna talk, we're gonna look back at eating meat. I mean, Kyle, you're part of the future, but we're gonna look back at eating meat and be like, what were we doing eating meat that way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Kyle, I finally watched this HBO QAnon documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has the same, the same glasses, the same flat brim, the same flannels, the same even mustache with the little Winchester thing. Everything is the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think people, what they do is they go, we're in a simulation, so like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, maybe so, nothing matters, and then also like, my shitty life, this isn't real, so I don't have to take it as seriously, you know what I'm saying? And if it's a simulation, I can figure out how to work the simulation and improve my situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you want to see? What about that movie makes you want to see it? Ryan Reynolds? Taika!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do remember somebody telling me that that movie was actually fucking dope, and I've never seen it, but I remember being like, mm, still not gonna see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, you like that movie where, uh, homeboy takes the fuckin' pill. Blow? Well yeaah, blow is another example, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first half. You love these movies where people get a thing, they figure out some secret, and then like their life turns into this awesome thing, and then there's like the backlash in Act 3, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first act of a coke movie is fun. What are the good movies where like uhm, the first 20 minutes are like an awesome thing before like shit really hits the fan and it turns into like a- Castaway? Like you like Requiem for a Dream the first like seven minutes. Oh, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite movie is Jaws. It's about a campfire and then a girl gets naked and goes swimming. It rocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Powers Booth? Powers Booth is like the detective, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good. It's good. Kevin Bacon. I think there's a video game. And there's a Strobe Echoes 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, starring Rob Lowe? That also exists?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another one! Remember the fucking John Goodman Denzel Washington movie Fallen? Falling? Falling Angel? Fallen. Fallen Angel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We will, we will. They have a, they have a fuckin' scientist, like, explain it, and then the person's like, I don't think that makes any sense, and they're like, just go with me here, and like, you go, oh, okay, like. It's science. And then there's like, car chases that happened four days before, but he's chasing them. Momento shit. Now, it's fuckin' sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say one thing that's interesting? And this- Yes. Uuuh? Yes. This might be the difference between us, the stars of the penis. Uhm. Correct. Is that you remember all that from- the only thing I really- when you say blow, the only thing I think about is Penelope- Let's go! Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I remember Penelope Cruz in that wind suit at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the same movie where are there people in like an FBI thing listening to him? Or no, I'm thinking of Johnny, uh, Donnie Brasco, where they're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They become like fanboys and they're like, so what does it mean when you guys say this? And then they're like, he's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was 20 or 30 thousand, it was 30 thousand dollars a month I think of wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Adam is singing the hook. I'm right. Adam's singing the theme to OC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, there's gotta be a best- Oh, Jared- Dude, Jared fucking Leto! What are we doing here? Oh, Jared Leto is the best- 30 seconds to Mars. Yeah, the best crossover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we just skipping over Jamie Foxx? Does it have to be a band? Or what are we doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So who is the best guitarist? Who's the best guitarist that's also an actor? I bet somebody knows. I bet Actual Music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy rips. Like, I feel like, uh, Dave Groh- He pulls it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dave Grohl would know the answer to this. He'd be like, you know who actually rips? And we'd go who and he'd tell us. That's how the conversation would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Mike, Mike, we had microphones. The whole bachelor party. I'm counting them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that era, music changed like overnight, and I thought that because I moved to LA, bands like The Killers or Franz Ferdinand or like these, all these- The Hives. New, whatever the fuck you wanna call it, yea, The Hives. The Vines. I was like, oh, music's different here, and I didn't realize like, everyone back home was getting the same fucking music. The Postal Service came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree Adam, I agree. Nobody was walking anywhere, but sure, okay. What is the difference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so is it different that you're going to see three bands instead of one? Like what the, what are we talking about? Yeah, what the fuck is this line?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but no, but when we saw Lil Wayne, there was one performance happening and it was Lil


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is heavy. Lotta hoodies. Lotta zipped up hoodies on that. Lotta zipped up hoodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upside down V, where you got big hips and narrow shoulders kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen you P90X yourself to an ectomorph, uh, I've seen you as a mesomorph, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is that this is like, uhm, if your body's like, it's what your body should be, and then it's up to you how you take care of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like look at Blake, like Blake is super skinny, but he works out and lifts fucking weights, so like, he's got muscle on there, right? But if he didn't do anything, uh, he would just be a little skinny piece of shit. What'd they call you in high school?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today was pretty crazy, huh? Today we talked about everything. We did. Yea, we covered it all. And Blake, I want to apologize to you. We didn't get to your vacations. Uhm, I got a weird feeling it's cause maybe we don't care about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's how it kicked off. And I already forgot and I feel bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And so, so is, is like the thing like he's the conservator but like as a conservator he needs to live in a dope house and drive dope cars and wear dope clothes and eat dope food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing where it's like, he's like, as the conservator, I need to eat fucking delicious filet mignons and- Spago. Yeah, I gotta go to Spago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anna is speaking facts. The New York Times reported last week that Jamie...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Uh, what's her sister's name? Who sold Britney's nearby child-aid home for $275,000 in February, lives in an RV that he parks outside the storage facility, which houses various memorabilia from his daughter's career. So this guy's a psychopath! Well no, that doesn't sound like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe free Britney's dad. Right. If he didn't have to take care of his crazy daughter all the time, maybe he could get a job to where he doesn't have to live outside of a storage facility. Why did she stick him in a car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna see the kooky fucking things she will buy with her insane amount of money. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's always like, I just got done crying my eyes out, and now I'm gonna do a little TikTok dance in my kitchen. And you're just like, well maybe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's what Anne is saying. Apparently, the dad, uh, the dad has a drinking problem and Kevin Federline filed a restraining order against him so he can't see their children. Cause of some shady incident with him and one of the kids. There was a shady incident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope his children when they do something good they just scream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's, yea, Blake is absolutely right. I feel like he was just that kid in high school, like his whole life, he was just like, I'm a, I'm a, the hip hop guy. And it doesn't feel like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, uh, wasn't he Smothers Brothers writer as well? Or that he was right after that time? Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legend. Legend. Legend. Yeah, great actor, great comedian. Great in drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His last words were like, and my unborn son is named Albert Brooks. And people are Albert Einstein. And they're like, damn, he flubbed his last joke. They're like, oh, fucking, that's hilarious. And then he dies and no, the wife was like, was he joking? Do I have to? And they're like, it was his last words. Fuck him with Betty White's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An impression. Yeaah. Do your, do your, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's so good. One of them. It's up there. It's hard to beat. What a wild- Maybe number two after Workaholics. True, true. What a wild time. Very big inspiration though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the early 2000s, I remember when we were in community college. Not the 90s? No, this was 2000s. I like the aughts. This is when we were in community college. I just got TiVo. And I remember like being outside of like our little drama department and like that was how you like could tell if you were gonna be like friends with people. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An episode of Unsolved Mysteries or something. Then I'd be like, weird. And they still haven't solved-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the funniest shows that didn't get that much love, which was, uh, Walker, Texas Ranger, like, spin-off, um, Eagleheart. It was so god damn- Well that's a send-up, not a spin-off. Yes, a send-up, not a spin-off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's actually like so dope to have it now. Yeah, you're super cool. Uh, you're un-cancellable if you have it. Yeah, right. There's no- there's no cancelling you. What the f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in the movie that I'm about to shoot after this movie. We have, like, a part for him. And I kept being like, let's not... Yea, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but then he kept getting more and more famous. Yeah. DaBaby got more and more famous over the past year that I was like, it was like, two weeks ago I was finally like, well maybe he is like, gonna stick around and we should keep him, and then all this shit came out about him, and I'm like, bitch, you out. Let's get done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or hang on, do we have him, it's like a party scene and he's at the, he's at the party in the movie, maybe he says this exact same thing, he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, we just grind the movie to a halt about 20 minutes in just to have this conversation, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he went back to back. Yeah, that's when Tom Hanks was on like his run where he did Philadelphia, then he did a Forrest Gump, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if it was that order or not. Concord's finest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this parent-parental? Like- Yeah, they just have a six cents to come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walking in is walked out. They're just watching some hardcore porno in the living room, and you have no idea. The parents, the parents are. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the parents were, uh, they actually were in a different room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's like, that's, that's some poetry. Yeah, that's some hippie shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to Phil. Yeah, big Phil dog. My dad, I was talking to him about how when he found out that he was cancer free, uh, or at least there's no detectable cancer in him. Was it right on him? That shit's important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cried like a child, like later on, it was delayed because it didn't hit me. It was delayed for like a day and a half. And then all of a sudden it just like came out and I cried like happy tears for like 20 minutes. And I was, uh, and I keep talking to him and he's like, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm so happy I could, I could cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I could. Go for it dad, I'm here for you. I could, I'm like, you can't. And he's like, nah, nah, but I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet, I bet it's straighter now because it's been long, for so long. I think it wouldn't curl up in the same way that it did when we were younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like you were a cast member of California Dreamin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Hanging with Mr. Cooper was a basketball one. That was, he was the basketball coach at high school. Yea, that was a, that's an all time show right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, remember when we, we actually had a pitch way back in the day that was, uh, it was called like hanging with the boys or something, that essentially it was an after school special that we're the hosts of. Do you remember this? We did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was way 90s. Yeah, it was the 90s. Everyone's wearing neon and has like the Zach Morris. What's one you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Issues, but then they would, they would then pitch to, like, the incident that's happening. They're like, I hate bullies. Yes. You know, like bullies, and you're talking about bullies, then they go to a clip of like bullying, and then they break it down, like, what you can do in this situation. Was this like after?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just saying that this summer has fucking soared past. I'm like, I don't even, I haven't even. Well it's not over yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until my mom absolutely makes me put one on for, for something that I have to go do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's gotta be COVID. Could be swine flu. It's COVID, dude. Uh, no, that's cancer. Oops. My B. Later, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to apologize, uhm, to Ders for not remembering exactly, uhm, what this after school special was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the fact that I remember being a, being a kid...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, you know, that's a, that's a big win for, for team me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, that's fun. Where you guys shooting at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. I'm not so much as afraid. Is, is, like, where is that? You're saying it's up here, I don't know what that means. Is that, are you way more than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, cool. So dude, you know what you could do? It's in, in post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They came through. They came through. I saw your bike in the back and you posted something about it. It was in the back of my wagon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I cannot wait to get back there and try this thing. Uh, it's going to be so fun to, it's an e-bike, but also it's a regular bike. So you can get a good workout in, right? And then like, you can just go way farther.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you're riding and all the sudden there's a monster hill and you're just like, I don't got this in me, but I want to keep going. You could just turn it on and you just boot scoot and boogie, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yea, oh yea. I never thought I was gonna be like the full spandex guy. Yea, I thought you were about Jersey Mike's. And then now I'm like head to toe, spandexed up. Oh, you're damn near 40. I'm working real fast out there. Yea, no, I know. I'm, I'm in my late thirties now, now I'm a fucking kook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Durs always rocked some shit that I didn't even know human beings rocked. I thought it was like only cartoon characters dressed like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she have some quotables? I guarantee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to get her, cause she is great in ladybugs. I don't know if you guys have seen that movie in a while. Very inappropriate. Does not translate well to nowadays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I only know her from ladybugs. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lady Bugs was about uhm, Rodney Dangerfield really wanted to date this lady, but uhm, her son kinda didn't approve of it, but he kinda was like, yo, if I make you like a soccer star on this girl's team, will you let me date your mom? Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Jack A is the assistant coach of the Ladybugs, the soccer team in which Rodney Dangerfield coaches, the girls soccer team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jonathan Brandis, R.I.P. He's the soccer star. I think he wants to kind of hook up with the star of the girls soccer team, so that's his way of getting attention. It's fuzzy, but it's just like a lot of Rodney Dangerfield wanting to fuck his daughter jokes. It's very weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really feel like Rodney Dangerfield was one of a kind. I want to hear some like inside stories about him because the few that I've heard were just crazy. Like absolutely crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, thank you five, maybe thank you seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got you Anders. You're being heard, you're being heard Ders, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, hold on one second. Let me see. Alright, let me see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, you know, I feel like I just took a shower and it was cold, so like my balls are kinda really close, like hugging my body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a cold shower, I took a cold shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do the, just the balls out the back, that's the fruit basket, what if you take the, the dick and the balls and pull them out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jackie Black. Jackie Black. Oh man, okay, I thought we were still talking about Jack K, and I was like, that would be a weird last guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people are starting to say, like, because, like, you know, we mentioned McAfee, McAfee died, we gave Conan, Conan his flowers. We haven't given Conan his flowers, really well. We gave Conan his flowers, now he's off air. I'm starting to think, like, our podcast might be kind of like a, are you afraid of the dark episode, where it's like, whoever we mention, goes off the air or dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I for sure googled Conan in the bear coat because he did put it on when I visited him and I was gonna post it, but there just wasn't a really good pic, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With late night show people, like they always have to play themselves in movies. Has any of them ever done like a, like a movie where they got to play a character? Like where Jay Leno was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's HBO, it's edgy, it's not TV. Just a guy who comes home and beats his roommate's ass cause he didn't do the dishes. That's kinda weird. I'm down for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I watched, like, the last two episodes. What?! Well, I've seen a frame, I've seen a frame.


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[Assistant] It was just too much, I didn't know who anybody was talking about.


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[Assistant] That's some, yeah, that's a deep pull. The dynasty might, but that's like a, that show really sucked, right? That's just a soap opera.


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[Assistant] The guy who would like Game of Thrones and I will say that I saw some episodes that were absolute game changers that I would put up against Lord of the Rings movies and I say they were better. Like there was one episode


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[Assistant] Where the whole shit was just this battle at like, the wall. And that episode was a fucking game changer. I loved it.


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[Assistant] I, I, I think it was a really great show. There's some super dope episodes, but like overall, yea, it was just, I didn't want to pay attention that hard, I guess.


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[Assistant] You know, I used to be that way. I was very much like, oh, if everybody likes it, I don't like it. I think a large portion of my life, like a good example is like the Beatles. I was like, I will never like the Beatles. The Beatles fucking suck. Everybody likes the Beatles. And then one day,


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[Assistant] My homie's like, well, take a listen to these songs I handpicked for you. And I was like, oh shit. And I found my way to the Beatles through.


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[Assistant] Like, John Lennon, I'm like, woah, this dude was deep. Now, shit, I love the Beatles, I fuck with wings now all the way, dude. There's no reason to just be a hater just because other people like shit, I think.


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[Assistant] I will say that, you know, I was- I followed the last season fairly closely and then- A lot of titties. There were a lot of titties, a lot of fucking bros. Some dicks too, some dicks.


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[Assistant] Got him cut off. I mean, Adam, would you be willing to admit that the last episode, or like the way it ended, was not super... I loved how it ended. I actually loved it.


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[Assistant] And then we like pour hot gold all over his face so he's like stuck like that like a statue dude.


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[Assistant] Alright, gold eyeballs, cut his dick off again. Great, great call, great call.


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[Assistant] I don't know about the orange juice detail, but he would for sure, um, draw small, like, lobotomize his victims before he would, um, murder them.


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[Assistant] This is not good. I remember when I was, I used to like really, I don't know.


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[Assistant] This book was like the encyclopedia of serial killers and those books always have like ten pages of, uhm,


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[Assistant] Crime scene photos. Pictures in the middle. Yes. And I was like strangely addicted, and it would scare the fuck out of me, but I was like strangely addicted to looking at those photos.


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[Assistant] Because I was sitting in the trailer this week and I was watching, uhm, like, uhm, interrogations of killers. Yes. And I was like, why do I like this? But you know what I think it is? I think it's the, like, criminal psychology of it all. It's like trying to figure out


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[Assistant] Why these people's brains work this way? Like, what drives this person to do this? It's not necessary. I mean, the crime scene photos, I don't know how that, like, goes back to that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're trying to immerse yourself, like you try to put yourself in that place and you're like- Oh, it makes it real. Yeah, like all this blood and all this shit, like-


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[Assistant] The one I was listening to the other day was this dude named Tyler or whatever. He was like this dude who straight up he, he like killed his mom and dad.


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[Assistant] I should've had it on deck, but he killed his mom and dad with a hammer because they wouldn't let him have a house party?


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[Assistant] He put their bodies back in their room and stacked everything that had blood on it in it and then posted on Facebook, come to my house, there's a party tonight, and had a rager tail four in the morning with his two dead parents in the bedroom. Still gonna send it.


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[Assistant] Not someone, both your parents. Both your parents.


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[Assistant] Shave your fucking head. I mean, it would be a bit of an identity crisis for me.


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[Assistant] Yeah baby, yeah. Thank you. Just the two of us. Damn. Do I make you happy?


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[Assistant] How many men in blacks are there? How many high school musicals are there? Cause I would love to put the franchises up against each other.


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[Assistant] It was an indie movie with a sequel? That's rare, right? Well, it's a horror.


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[Assistant] It's a tale of two budgets, really. Low budget and big budget, baby.


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[Assistant] Oh, but I don't think that means you drive them to work. I think they bring- you bring them to work with you.


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[Assistant] Well, I sent you guys that photo the other day, I forgot we dressed the voe up like Falcor from Never Ending Story. I totally forgot that. That shit looked cool as fuck, dude. Which one was that? That was like an 80s day or something? Yeaah, that's right.


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[Assistant] Are eating cheeseburgers or something and Romanski like has something on his like lip? Or like right in the corner of his mouth and he's like, and Chester's like, hey, you got something on your mouth. But it's kind of like dubbed kind of weird. He's like, where? Where is it? And he's like, right here. He's like, no, no, over back.


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[Assistant] Is that shit still on YouTube? What would that be called on YouTube?


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[Assistant] And people would vote on the- Right. And if you won the vote then you had to make another episode the next month?


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[Assistant] To be fair, like we also went to another, why were we at that other SNL after party? That was the after after.


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[Assistant] Well, there was the one when it was like Kyle Mooney was in the cast and we came in really hot. We were like, let's take Jaeger shots and Kyle's like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, those SNL parties are pretty wild because they just go so late. That New York lifestyle, man. You stay out all night and yeah, we don't know how to pace ourself either.


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[Assistant] You Google it? I tell Bill to, uh, Jillian, you were, Jillian was chorg-ing you, and I'm like, Google it, and I walk away, and then, I think people did Google it, and indeed, if you want to now, Google chorg.


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[Assistant] It might be hard to track down. You're gonna have to do something.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Chloe posted a video of your reaction in real time going like, oh fuck! And I'm like, I need that for the soundboard. I wasn't kidding. I need it for the soundboard. That shit was so pure. It was so real. I actually-


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[Assistant] And I will say that, uh, reality car show reality TV also brings out the


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[Assistant] What's the fuck's his name? Walter Goggins. Walter Gargoyle.


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[Assistant] By, uh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, my saviour on haaaaaaah. Cheese and rice. Coca-Cola, zero, uh, zero sugar.


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[Assistant] Well I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get in my southern speak a little bit, uh, and let it come out naturally because my character on Righteous Gemstones, he speaks in a southern accent and sometimes I notice when I went back and watched the season that


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[Assistant] The first few episodes, it was a little too thicc.


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[Assistant] It was a little too thick. Where are you guys supposed to be? Are you supposed to be in South Carolina? I mean, yeah, we're in South Carolina on the show and in real life. Cool. And it was too thick. So now I'm trying to like slip it in some combos and have it roll off the tongue.


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[Assistant] When I act, dude, it's just, I just put the blanket over me and I become that person, you know?


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[Assistant] So you're, so okay, so you are going to Fuddruckers, you just got the part of Abe Lincoln.


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[Assistant] Is it back in the day or you've somehow transported time and it's current 2021 and you are going to a Fuddruckers?


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[Assistant] Hey, well let's find it. Hey, let's, let's find it. Yea, let the scene. Okay, alright. Let's find it. Let's not hash out everything. I just want to know, am I doing, uh, my South Carolina accent.


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[Assistant] Oh, I love it there. I love it there. Uh, I was thinking about either moving to the Windy City or the Big Apple and let me just say,


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[Assistant] Okay, and let me go get your malt. Now is that chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, or banana? Or is it pistachio? Did you want chocolate swirl? We have caramel. What else we got? We got Oreo. I'd like a rhubarb.


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[Assistant] Okay. Now are these like, these seem to be like a little bit like old timey. Uhm, sort of. Do they even have mulberries anymore?


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[Assistant] Oh, it seems like you have some mulberry. I've abandoned my boy. It seems like you have some mulberry on the side of your head. What it? Sir, you have an open wound on the side of your skull. It looks like...


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[Assistant] There's the mulberry juices flowing out. What is that? I'm Abraham Lincoln. And!


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[Assistant] Literally almost 20 years. Next year will be 20 years making comedy together.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. That's, I think that's a great idea. Uh, that's been our motto from the very beginning, leave them wanting less.


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[Assistant] Is that his quote? Is that him? He put your arm underneath hot water. Just scolded you real quick.


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[Assistant] So we've mentioned Jay a few times, Jay Leggett was our teacher at Second City.


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[Assistant] Uh, Los Angeles for Durs and I, and then he ended up being.