[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was hella secret. Because they were all underground, so you had to like, be in the know. So, it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like in New York City where there was like an underground party scene that was like a big thing. It makes me go like dang that. I bet that was really fun to go get drunk and being drunk was illegal. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, Woodrow. That fuckin' prick. Okay, Woody! Woody! I bet Woodrow... Woodrow!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was on the internet, so. So it has to be real. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it makes me think she's kinda cool, like... Kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think it's probable, uh, uh, and I do think it- Anything is probable. It's happening, I don't think it's as widespread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Widespread as we're making it out to be. I still feel eating booty is an advance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is the Oakland Athletics doing? Uh, poorly. Aren't they, aren't they doing really bad? Like, I think someone- Wait, why are you doing this? Was it you that was telling me that they have like 3,000 fans in their stadium? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get more fans in that stadium, man. What the heck's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, like the minor leagues are really fun. There's the minor league baseball team, the River Dogs, here in Charleston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The games are just so fun. It's like, they're not doing all the crazy stuff that they're doing in Savannah, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just like mascots walking around all the time, and like stuff for kids, and there's just like batting cages that you can go to during the game, and like pitching machines, and it's just really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to go to a, uh, a Cubs game. I only went to one. My aunt took me for my second communion, so I'm eight years old. That is cool. And she took me and, uh, I bought a, a neon pink Cubs hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what happens when you get drunk on Pappy Van Winkle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. But yea, I would, I'd love to go as an adult. Seems mad fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's where we differ, Ders, cause I can, I can get drunk and high five all day long. That's, I would love to do that with a bunch of strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Oh, I'm back, I'm back to touching strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're still, you're still on it. See, I've, I've ditched it. You gotta get in the hugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle's actively hanging out with old people. He's like, going to the pickleball matches. Yeah, what do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also who was, it was Nasty Neck, it was Nude, all those guys are older than we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for the future Nancy Reagans of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Kyle's been to a place once and he wants to tell us about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how you somehow had an issue pronouncing C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's essentially our manager, Isaac, anytime we're anywhere with him, and he's like, uh, yes, or like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a hundred dollars for like just a regular... That's like Dubai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait. They were wearing like a Native American like headdresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, have you guys heard of this, this, uh, where are they building it? In, I think it's Saudi Arabia. They're building that new city. Uh, called, uh, Neom. Neom. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm listening. It's absolutely... It's the hot new city. Is it on water? They're building, they're building, it's in the middle of the desert and they're building like their own...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Vegas? Like an actual city, I think it's supposed to fit 9 million people and it's gonna be in a bubble, it's gonna be in a dome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you spell it? Neom. N-E-O-M. Neom. Are we moving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where all the new technologies and everything, and there's like, they're building the, uh, they're building the skyscrapers instead of straight up, they're building them in a line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the skyscrapers are gonna be stacked on top of each other and it goes miles and miles and miles long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so, Neom is a futuristic megacity, 33 times the size of New York City. A megalopolis? Jesus. And it is being built on the Red Sea in northwest Saudi Arabia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's costing them, uh, 500 billion dollars to make. Huh, that seems like a steal. Oh my god!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oil money, baby. We forgot the toilets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a walkway. But it goes like 50 miles or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, I'm not selling it. I don't work for the Saudi Prince. I'm just saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm watching like the video of what Neon and the line is gonna be and it's absolutely, it's like the future of urban living. And then it just shows this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean honestly it looks like it, it shows a girl like flying, like- Like Peter Pan style. Using super powers and flying through the city. I'm like, I don't know if that's possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're not, we're not influencers enough. We gotta be more of an influencer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our work lines and our like, friendship lines are super blurred though, so like I feel like it is my life, but I don't like post about my family and stuff that much on the Instagram, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any take backs, apologies, giveaways, epic slams?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, somehow someone got the inside scoop on Nancy Reagan fifty, what, seventy years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Uh, me and Bill Russell. And it looks like he's looking down at my dick. So, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle, you're our Bill Russell. Right, right, now I get it. I didn't know he was a player. I thought Red Trill Russell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought Red Arbok was the coach of the Celtics during that run. He did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy doesn't sound right when you say it like that asterisk, but I know it's an asterisk. Yeah, I don't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's to, uh, to blame about that? It's global warming. It's too hot. It's too hot now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, with the, like, winter fresh silver. Oh, got it. Yeah. You know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe she pulled that out of your aura. I want some of what Carl's on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pizza, pizza's fast. There's a saying, there's a saying I want to, he wants to hear that slow, but I think a faster pizza pizza, it's already fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, this is a stoner flick? Yeah, dude. Yeah, we're producing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't dude, I don't have a, I don't have a bachelor's, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farting in the jar? I think I could make a lot of money farting in the jar for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I absolutely have no supply chain problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I believe that, I believe she pulled that out of your aura. I believe that. I mean, have you ever had your, like, have you ever had your aura scanned? She'll probably like that, where you can get like your... Stop it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no, that shi- Tyler, are you talking about the photo of the aura? Yeaah, where you, you get the colors, the color rings around you and like you look kinda like, uhm, like heat. You're like a heat. It's almost like heat, but it's aura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like any of that shit. It's like, you know, you read the tarot cards, you do all that. If you're searching for a connection, you will find it. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? Tell me more, Adam. I actually am like, no more. Tell me more, tell me more. R.I.P. Yea, no more shut up, bitch. What happened after this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened after what happened? So you were like, she said, she said, she said, Adam, what does hot air balloons mean to you? And then what did you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. If this doesn't seem more up my alley. Then my question now is, with this healer, what did she do with that information?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she thought that a hot, so she was looking at your aura. I'm just want to collect all this. She's looking at your aura and she says, what do hot air balloons mean to you? And you say, I got a call from Conan O'Brien on a hot air balloon. Talk, tell me more. And then she said, you're tense. Like you're tense. You need to go on another hot air balloon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a boilerplate question. Right. Yeah, that's a little weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we can take this another, we can take this a whole nother like level because now you're like saying you don't know where you land. That's when you're your most comfortable. That's when your stress is gone. When you're not thinking about where you're going to land. When you're just letting the wind take you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying though? That's like what, that's what, that's what you can take out of that, is like. Look at that shit, bruh. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't really work actually. Yea, that's actually like a pretty clear, that's a pretty clear ending. A canal is not the wide open blue. What is it called? The ocean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did fart during room tone once and it was a crowning achievement on set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, can we circle back to farts real quick? Just in terms of, I want to circle back to the canning process that you were talking about with the Gerber. Uhm, I think if I were to do this, I would choose a larger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, jar, because then somebody could take a whiff and close it back up and you, and save it for later. I think if you're using a Gerber, I think once you open that thing, the farts gone. I think you probably want to use like a quart, like at least a quart size jar. Seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of like the brass monkeys or the club or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to, I want to let people know who Peter D is because they do know who he is. He's on the Wizards album. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, that's where, that's where I stop too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, check it out. Probably banking that you won't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let them pick. That's smart. Hey, but what was up with Sergeant Slaughter in G.I. Joe's and WWF? I know, that's why it was fucking cool. What the fuck was that? What was going on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember even your dad hooked me up with a tech deck, like one of those mini tech decks that was signed by Ronnie Kregger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's huge by the way. Those basketballs were super dope and you had to eat a lot of pizza to get them. So they were worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just want to play with toys. Like, it's really, that's it. Just the toys that my friends are playing with, mom. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like OG, it was like OG Pixar cars, dude. This is probably where... I don't, you know what, that might have been a West Coast... No, this is probably where cars got their idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a lot of GI Joes. Right. No, well I brought that up. Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry, I just remember thinking it was an ex- No dude, it's not your bad. Those chevron


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've always loved your dog knowledge. I think you said, you said withers, right? You said something about the withers. What is that? What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, while we're doing, while we're giving it up to our pets, I gotta shout out Tiana, bro. Tiana's up there and all dogs go to heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe you have. Would I have met, met her? Yes. Him? Yeah. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine is blown now. I just learned that right now, and it is melting my shit, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just made some shit up? You just made some fuckin' bullshit up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not Cruel Devil. Yeah, obviously it sounds like Cruella De Vil, like what? But it doesn't say Cruel Devil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Lion King, Lion King. All good teenagers take off your clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle was talking about there is a scene at the end of Little Mermaid where it looks like the priest gets a boner when he's like talking, but a real thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the real thing was that on the cover, on that fat ass plastic VHS cover, if you look at the castle in the background, King Triton's castle, there are, there is a fucking raging cock. Yeah, it's golden. As a tower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. Scar had a huge cock. That's why he was hella mad because he's like, why is Mufasa getting all the gas? Because my cock is fucking huge, but it's not always about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, there you are, how's it going bud? And he's back! Fuckin' A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't talk about the cruel devil. The cruel devil got in my microphone, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, can't be the guy I'm thinking of, cause that dude is so funny in Major League, there's no way that dude is not as needed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this is the guy I'm thinking about, he has some of the best comedic reads in major league. Here, put it in the chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's stop talking about this. Yep. Yep. Stop talking about- Stop talking about him. If we kill Bob, I'm gonna be pissed. I'm gonna be fucking pissed. The curse- the curse continues. I'm gonna be pissed. 88, man. Yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, they're like a tag. Is that right? I don't, I don't remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, his name was Lob-sure? Mr. Lob-sure. Oh, okay. When he, he wouldn't stand to teach, he would only sit to teach. But of course he wore, um, like khaki dog, uh, dockers or whatever. And when he would sit down, it looked like this motherfucker had a whole ass


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two potatoes in the side of his pant leg bro. Just like spuds bro, spuds. Spuds Mackenzie? It was hard to pay attention to social studies because thank god he was a substitute teacher because it was distracting how large his testicles were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? It's funny. What? Unless you like it. Unless you like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just basically all the actors that are in everything, but you can never like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, oh that guy is like that person, but they are incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything. He's gotta be from Chicago, I feel. This guy looks so Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we'll post them immediately on the Instagram so you guys can follow along as we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a great film. It's kinda like a Mission Impossible episode as a movie though. It's kinda sick like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, literally there's an episode of Workaholics called Snackers where we started writing it off of the movie Sneakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they, if they really, like, stuck to the syllabus, like, that the teacher left, then you were like, fuck this person, this person is not excited. Motherfucker spell syllabus! I, I won't even try. Oh boy. It's a start with an S or a C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember there was this one, uh, what was wild is we would get this one substitute teacher and I think he just would say, just call me Josh, but he was an alumni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what do you mean? He was an alumni from our high school, and he came back to teach our high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be a sub, substitute teaching is kind of like a way of like getting your hours, like you have to substitute teach a few times to be a, a actual teacher. Am I tripping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the- his knees are going out. He doesn't know if he can catch anymore. That's a big deal. And he kills it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fast. Bullshit, Ders. Everybody should have a gun. What are you talking about? Okay, now we're talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this kid's name was Will Clark and he was on my team and when I would go up to bat, cause I wasn't a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I would go up to bat, and he was on my team, I would hear him say, oh, here comes another out. My own teammate. That shit stuck with me, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's on my team, bro. So take me, take me aside and say like, Hey, you want to do some fucking workouts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but don't you think you, don't you think you might have, would have had a chance to be better than you were if they were like, yo bro, we, we back you. Fucking get up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was an all-star, I was, I was select, I was select team, I went on traveling. But, here's my thing, Kyle. I, I could, I, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No man, there's a fork in the road. You're either fucking smoking ciggy's or you're playing sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, yes, yes, but then, uh, as you kind of age up a little bit, full back sort of fades out, there's like, you start to be a sweeper, so you cover the whole field, you cover the whole field, cause I was kind of just- I can see that for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Kyle. Kyle, say you go with, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still a pop-up will come that way. A pop-up will come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, those are gonna go away as well. Courtside seats are going to disappear. Once someone just like, it almost happened at a Lakers game or some game, a player is going to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Run into a pregnant woman, kill her baby, and there will no longer be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If LeBron James plows into an 80 year old couple and kills both of them, there will no longer be courtside seats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Candy critiques. Uhm, I have an epic slam for none other than not the famous Will Clark, but the little kid Will Clark. You snuffed out what I may have become because I started to doubt myself. It trickled into my life today. I'm still holding it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it, it affected me. And uh, I'd love to talk to you. And I'd love to, uh, know who Kyle's guy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even as you're talking about this though, like to throw together a softball team, you got everybody on your team, you got to kind of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pickleball, you're solo, swimming, it's you in the pool, but like, if you're with nine people and seven of them you don't like, yea you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually a great question. As a professional, like person on a professional sports team, I'm wondering how many people you actually like on your team. Two or three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's probably a good metric. Especially in like basketball. A few. Football maybe ten. And then if it's like a weird underdog team that wins a bunch, they probably all like each other a lot, and it's just clicking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a buzz ball for those not watching and listening. We don't need Blake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they sent, they didn't send you? No, fuck them. They didn't send us shit. Uhm, I ordered alcohol the other day and I was just browsing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, we're getting rid of this poison. Uh, nah, you know, I was getting some Coors Light as I do. It's cold packed, cold filtered. And I saw buzz balls on there and I was like, fuck yeah, let's do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, my parents are in town. My wife is in Africa on safari.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hanging on by a thread, dude. I'm hanging on by a thread. Oof. Uh, yeaah, they're too old to help, so it's, uh, you know, it's not like having my folks here is helpful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I go in the other room. And she's like, ew, I hate this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm the youngest of my family and none of my brothers had kids yet and, uh, so I, they're old for my kids, right? It's a bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, your mom, sorry, your, your grandmother had your mom at 41.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have relatives or ancestors before you that had some sort of trauma in their life, there is research that says that that can imprint itself on genetics and pass like anxiety or trauma down to the next generation. It might just be behavioral, but so like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can hear- nothing, nothing. Uh, yeaah, I mean it's like have you seen the movie Twins? It's a perfect example of nature versus nurture. That was the whole backstory of the movie Twins. That's right, it is. Is that Danny DeVito got nothing and Julian got everything. Uhm. Well. Missin' Blake right about now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but, I mean, but, so you, you don't think it's possible or you don't think it's likely?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I'm saying think about this. If you had a great, if you had a grandparent whose, uh, sibling was kidnapped, right, and that traumatized them forever, so the way they raised their kids was completely different and like everything was on high alert, everything was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Extra protective and that. So then your parents grew up in that atmosphere and that's how they raised you and now you're kind of a very cautious person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might get so deeply embedded into the who and the what that it's part of your genetic code. I don't know the it's science, but look who's joining us next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm nature, baby. Nature boy. What's the best movie about nature versus nurture, Blake? Ooh. Homeward Bound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to talk about it. Who's hand did you shake?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. Why are you, why are you busting chops about they charged you for x-rays?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you warm up? What's your, do you have a routine or are you just kinda like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You felt a twitch and then you pushed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you try and stretch it? Did you do like a figure four? Woah. Yes, yes. And loosen up your hips?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, sit and pigeon dude, just do that for like 10 minutes and it'll open everything up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmmmm, sucked, sucked it all in. Ohhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sick fuck. No, it's not for charity. It's the Motion Picture Fund throws the party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, that's cool. Oh, my good guy, my good friend. Freakin' ledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, two nights, two nights before, I see this guy, Matt Berry, of, uh, what we- Yeaah, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what's up, man? My name's Anders. I'm best friends with Kyle. We did workaholics together. He said, that's not what I heard, mate. And then he goes, alright. Period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got a message for Matt Berry. Next time I see you, can we talk a little longer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Anders Holm, one of Kyle's best friends. We created Workaholics together. He goes, yea alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Millard South. I go, okay, now I know the deets. We're talking Millard South.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I love how for whatever reason we're coming up with excuses to support this dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We said we were always sunny in Philadelphia. Fans. We just whispered fans really quietly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's fucking cool. He's like, I'm gonna walk away. I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anyway, so, so you, so you got to the Emmys wearing a girdle, you're sitting down standing up, is that hurting you, is that painful, and then you see the Fonz Winkler at that, that was at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's crazy to me is that we were like, we were like, who did you see? And you're like, yeah, we can talk about who I saw, whose hand I shook. So all of us were like, here's a good story. Here comes a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you guys watch the Emmys, are you like, yes, those are the shows, those are the people, those are the ones that I think are worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess alright. That's fucking cool, man. By the way, the Kimmel bit, okay, funny, you're like passed out, you're drunk or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bit's over, nobody cares. I know. He was like, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna commit a bit. Or talk about it beforehand and go, okay, so Jimmy Kimmel got dragged on by Will, uh, our net. Like he was black out drunk. And the bit was like, Jimmy can't be here tonight, he's, and he's looking down at him, uh. It was funny. Out of it, and it's very funny. But then you gotta talk about it, so when the person wins, Will, you pull me off and away so they can have their moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the whole bit is that Kimmel's passed out drunk and he had to get pulled out there on the floor in a tuxedo. Very funny, right? But then when the person wins, Kimmel just lays there under the microphone while she's giving a heartfelt speech. And it's like, that sucks. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't be there. Get pulled back. If you want to commit to the bit, get pulled away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda on Jimmy. It's on Jimmy. If you're not getting pulled off, have the wherewithal to go. The bet's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, did you, did you like, were you on like a specialized bicycle when you did that? Did you plug anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you finally get a little- Guys, just to clear things up, Rolex, I did not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super dope faux hawk, I'll see you around! Yeah, what cool Halloween costume did you have on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying they weren't, I just think it's hilarious that you're like, all said and done, good party. Good party, good party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even a cool horror couple, it can just be like, we're fun, this'll make it extra fun for everyone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam's ringtone is Take Me to Church by Sam Smith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds like, uh, he's thought it out to me. To me it sounds like, your second wedding's gonna be fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like ten minutes, yeah. Was that it? Yeah, we ate it as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what was that? That was your fucking jam for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But so I was like, did you know I had that soundtrack? Because I do have that soundtrack, but I have it in a very strange way that made me think weirdly about myself in high school. I got interviewed by like the school radio show? Nice dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay, you had two years. Hey, two years, dude. That's better than I did. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he gave, he was like, I'm having you on today, uh, I'm giving you, I like to give a gift to my guests. I'm giving you the varsity blues soundtrack. Cause like you're like a jock and stuff. And I was like, that's tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, it's a sport, but it's a very, not only is it a different like, it's just different than like being a baseball player or a basketball player or a football player, because the mindset in especially a high school where like the social like hierarchy, it doesn't matter like that, right? You don't, you don't walk around the school like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not pulling a ton of chicks from the swim team. No. And it doesn't matter, right? Like, people hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, but he gave me this album. It was just, it was such a miss for me that I was like, yeah, okay, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it did have that Foo Fighters song on it, which is a jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a teammate, shoutout John Phyllis-Born, who swam at Kenyon, which is a Division 3


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legit fast, who like won big tens and stuff. Were they hot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you the saran- nylon wrapped? By the way, in high school, I wore a size 26.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really. People would come back and like watch a couple meats or whatever because we were pretty good. But even when I went to college,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a dual meet, like a college between another college. And this is division one, like we were a top 20 team. It would be like- Go off. 20 of your parents?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he was like, he's like, because we play for like 85,000, so I assume there's like, only 5,000 for you guys? I'm like, no dude, it's like, it sucks. No one wants to go to us with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we went to South by Southwest, listen, when we went to South by Southwest the first time, we were in, we were in Austin at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no one's there. There's a few hundred people. But I go straight to the front and I go, yo! And I like, see my swim coaches, they're like, what are you doing here? I'm like, I'm on a TV show! I made it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, they're just like, and by the way, they're super busy, they're like, oh great, and you're here? I'm like, I can't let go of the sport. You want a Lone Star? I only drink half of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, never made trials, never made trials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can't, I don't want to get into it because then I get super jealous. Uh, I will say, so Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart swam for, um, uh, Philadelphia Parks and Recreation, which is like a historically dope swim club. They've been around forever. The Kevin Hart. Wait, the little comedian? Yes. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also very hot, dude. Which goes back to my point. I'm guessing he's got decent underwaters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was such a great swimmer. I don't know how good he was, I know that he swam competitively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next one bothers me because he was fast, uh, he's super.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it's close, it's close. God, if he swe- No, but you know what? He does the Malibu Triathlon and I gotta fuckin' smoke him this year. I'm gonna do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your boobs are huge. Now I'm blanking on this dude's name, but he's the star of Justified. Walton Goggins. Not Walton Goggins, other dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys think about his name while I tell this story because I saw him at like an FX or a Netflix party and I'm like, I gotta go up to this guy and talk swimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Timothy Oliphant. Oh yeaah. Legend mate. Wow. Super handsome. Legend. Like basically like everything I wanna be. And he's better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you swam at, uh, I think you swam at USC. I can swim, yeah. And I go, and he goes, yeah, like, why do you know this? Like, oh, like I swam and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you're a fucking actor, I'm an actor, we both swam, like, I just had to say what's up, and he puts his hand on my shoulder and he goes, and I don't know if it was this, but I'll give it to him, but he was like, and you did it, and was like BAM, and like turned his, turned to whip it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hoping, but then, and then it was just like, this is not going anywhere, and I was, and if he was slower than me, I'd be like, well fuck that guy, but he was faster. Oh god. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You do every stroke. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, I think he was a sick backstroker and he's got those backstroke shoulders guys. He's got them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Butterfly backstroke, breaststroke, freestyle. Every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't we freestyle walk? Did you guys not do gymnastics in middle school and high school?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, we had like 12, we had 12 gyms. My school is humongous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was back home- You can find me on the parallel bars, bruh. I'm on the rigs, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It little bit, it sounds like the fact that you brought it up is the fact like you're lording it. Did it bother me in the moment? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's where you had to pick up those blocks on either side of each other. That was legit harsh. That was like some American gladiator shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo, that's hella, that's hella advanced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but I guess I heard about that, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just tell you, didn't remember anything else, so this was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yessir. Cool. I remember that we, that people read, uh, James and the Giant Peach. Oh, great book. Great book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like as an adult, it's harder for you when you're a kid, you weigh no pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I did. I remember the gymnastics girls would like, uh, kip the pull ups and you're like, is this, what the fuck is happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I guarantee you, you could do it. See? I love that about you. Thank you, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Here, like this. Here? Yea, hang for a h- hang for a hundred seconds there, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little bit of both. I mean, my kids do all sorts of organizational shit, right? Like they get, they're like, I'm gonna organize my Legos today. And you're like, amazing. I'm gonna go drink nine drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they go to other kids' houses and everybody just like jumps on their iPads and they're bummed. You know, when I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of, you gotta motivate them. 500s were like, somebody f- What do you mean, what's 500? You throw the ball, like everyone's there to catch it, and you call out the number, and they gotta get 500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Picky Bounce Out. Picky Bounce Out is uh, essentially like, sounds like a strip club. Somebody's up, no, it's essentially a game of softball, everybody's in the outfield, somebody pitches, someone's up at bat, and I think you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can catch it or you can get it on one bounce, right? And so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're hitting the ball, you're hitting the ball until somebody catches it or gets it on one bounce. And then the person who got it, they get to bat and then the person at bat, they want to catch it. They want to bat, right? Yeah. Cause everybody wants to bat. Exactly. So it's basically like you're scrambling to catch the hit. Um, but if you're just like hitting grounders the whole time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you what that is. That's a older brother doing that to a younger kid and then him bringing that to school and other people being like, yeah, alright, I guess he'll, he'll beat us up. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's like doing a thumb war and saying snake attack. It's like what are you doing? That's not a thumb war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what about, uh, Okay, I don't know. But like, if you do it with your tongue out, you get an extra second. Like, what the fuck are we talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hang on, I don't know, I don't know if queer meant gay, it just meant like, get the weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know if that was the, uh, the genus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the Alcatraz shirt or just a shark attack? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go! Like you tried to like just be free as long as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause you would have to- I remember there was- You dart around until you like, uh, get tackled or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A roundhouse kick. It worked. He landed. He went into like the, uhm, into like the stall door and like went into like there and then I like walked out and then afterwards he, it was like a basketball game or something. You put on a leather jacket and sunglasses and you're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came up after like basketball practice. I can't remember what it was. It was like fifth grade or something. He comes up and I'm like, dude, am I about to fight this guy again? And he's like, yo, where'd you learn how to do that kick? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta take back. I'm sorry I say that sports need rules. I understand that, um, evolution takes place and rules can change. Okay, thank you. But sometimes if rules change, maybe the name changes too. Okay, wow. Way to walk back in apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you are. This, this, you said it right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is singular, but it's- I think it can be. With the Ricks. Right, right. You gotta hit it with the Ricks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The amount of text the Democrats sent me are making I'm gonna become a Republican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys think about what you're gonna say for the podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, what do you think? And he goes, you know, I used to think that, uh, and I was talking to him for a few minutes. He goes, I used to think that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're really exposing ourselves. It was like after talking with you for a few minutes, I realized, nah. Nah, you guys don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we got very, very lucky, but you also, hey, who knows? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really enjoyed it. Well we haven't talked in a long time. We're about to start shooting the workaholics movie. So it was a half work call, half just catching up call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but that, but that got me thinking like, oh, I don't call anyone ever. Like if, if you're my very best friend and I am not seeing you or we're in the same city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the group text too, cause at least you're connected to. You're really, you're really good at them. Thank you. You're tethered to a conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, when I'm in town, I'll hit you guys up and be like, I'm going to be in town. We should all get together. I do do that. I like to see my boys in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have the podcast, so we get to see each other. This is why part of the reason I love the podcast so much is we get to check in once a week and see the homies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like some, some other friends that, that I'm like, I don't and stack this cash. Uh, but there's other friends who I, who I really like, you know, they're my homies, but then I just don't see them until, until I'm back in town or I don't communicate with them until.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're thinking of another friend. I think you're thinking of John Paul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I gotta figure that out because sometimes game changer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It changes everything when you do that. You're like, oh I don't know if I can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there probably is at this point, but that was, well, that was over 15 years ago. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's time I get a new email that is my work email. I think I've, I've, I've just had the one email. I never got like a burner email. Which you should have, where you sign up for all like the bullshit. When you're at like Bed Bath and Beyond dot com trying to buy fucking sheets or whatever and you put in an email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to have a burner, but now my work and my burner are the same account, and so I sometimes will miss like important work shit because it's buried underneath, you know, fucking Lowe's commercials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the same phone since high school too. So I did like, me too. Yeah. I never changed. Yeah. Well, I think we all probably get prank calls. Like I'll get caught. People that just have my number and every couple of months they'll just decide to call me at 4 a.m. drunk, leaving weird voicemails. And that sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put a little toot on it. It's cool. Pizza, pizza. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have- I think maybe like- I think I have two. How can I even tell you? I think maybe two or three. It's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife's and like my mom's phone number and my home phone number that is disconnected now from being a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I trained them. So that's the trick you gotta teach your kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, do you make up fun songs to like help your... I guess they're... your daughter's a little older now, you don't need to make up a funny...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if the rats eat the bodies. Wait, is this real or is this, or is this like a QAnon rabbit hole that Kyle fell down or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got sweatshirts though. My mom 100% of the time I call her, she's wearing merch that I have given her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so they just, they thought like the stench and then you put like some flowers in your pockets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the most intense thing I've ever- and you guys all knew this? This is absolutely insane. I've never even heard of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, oh my god, did you guys see a James Brolin? What about him? Dude, the fucking Walmart killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it the Walmart killer? No, it was the killer at the gay bar. The fucking psychopath that went in and shot up the thing. And then they found his dad. And his dad looks like Josh Brolin on meth. And he said the craziest shit you've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for sure seems like he's on drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry guys, I thought you guys would catch on very quickly that, that this guy looked just like Josh Brolin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did Josh Brolin shop at Walmart? Was he? Okie dokie. Crazy that there's been like four slayings since the one that I was talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. There's a Walmart one, there's another one. I do like how the dude at the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is important. Hey dude, I'm glad I got us all charged up. I didn't even mean to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think Blake's the guy. Like, I feel like Blake Shelton or Adam Levine. Get out there. Anyone that was on The Voice should do this. Sure, sure. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Teach the kids, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her name was Bloody Mary because she killed hella people. I know, but then obviously later the drink came around, and then why did we decide to land on Bloody Mary after this? Cause it fucks you up, bro!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think no one was like saying that he was like the most crass guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that wasn't before, like, Eddie Murphy Delirious, though. Set on my dick! And it wasn't even that good of a joke, it's not, it's not that, but, people lost their minds. I think it's a li-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first started to do stand up, my uncles were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first started to do stand-up, my uncles were like, you have to, they're like, you know who you should, uh, what kind of stand-up you should do. And I'm like, what? You know, I'm like 19 or whatever. It was like when I first started and I'm like, what? And they're like, like dice man. Right. And I'm like, well, he's already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch this thing. Yeah, Blake, Blake, you're a big fan. It's weird how much of a- People would just go. He rode a train. I'm like, die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah Blake, that's not okay. Hey, admittedly, the more you say it Blake, the more I'm liking it, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Aspen? Or was it Just for Laughs? The one I did? Oh, up in Montreal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, I remember that being a story. I don't really remember exactly who that guy was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think he does have an accent. Yea, I think, I mean I don't think he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what about, what's his name? 50? Oh, he's 57 years old, he's from Philly, he's 6 foot 8, so he's a giant man? Yea, he's a big dude. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always liked weirdo comics like that, like Kaufman, where the whole time you're going like, is this a joke? Right. Or is this, is he just a lunatic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a little bit. He's, he's, he's kind of a quiet, socially awkward guy. He's super nice, very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean I'm not the same person I am on stage, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's different than like, you make up a fake character and an accent and you wear certain clothes, you know, it's different than that. Yes, Kaufman had both, kind of. Like Chris Rock isn't constantly talking like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he, I did the show, and I like, he came back and introduced himself to the other comics that were on the show. And I was in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I came out and they're like, oh, you just missed Mike. He was in like, he stayed in character the whole time. And I'm like, ah, fuck, that sucks. And then he caught me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His career he is a fully realized person. Yes. His character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he, I mean he wasn't in makeup or whatever, but like, his character that he's designed for this show, knew me as the character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Mike Myers is a comedy hero of mine. If he would have just said this. Of course. Yea, I get that. As Mike Myers, I would have been like, oh my god, I'm so touched. Right. But the fact that he was like doing this crazy, what was the name of that character, by the way, from The Gong Show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a London dude. Wasn't he like a British dude? Yeah, he had a whole, like, no, he was, he was like, no, he was like Scottish. Tommy Maitland. Tommy Maitland, yeah. Did he say like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you take that though? Then I, then I would have, at least he would have nodded to that he's Mike Myers. I'm really close with Mike Myers. Then I would have been like, okay, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that you or was that Bumper? It didn't happen. Well, that was the entire time until I performed until the cameras were on me. That was just Adam up there having a good time waving. Yeah. And then as soon as those, those cameras hit me, then I transformed into Bumper. But I tell you what, I didn't, I didn't compliment anyone while being Bumper. Yeah. But now the question is, is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It means less than nothing. Zero, dude. So bummed. I was so bummed to get those compliments. Fucking sucks. It actually meant less than nothing. It upsets me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike Myers movie. Okay, here we go. Well, I mean, it has to be Austin Powers, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's a good one. Yeah, that one's flawless. Unbelievable. Yeah, I mean he- the most jokes possible. But Wayne's World- that's weird, Wayne's World 2 is good too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was a throwback movie, which is a ton of jokes, so obviously we were gonna be on board, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, I saw those movies multiple times in the theater. Love Guru. Loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never saw that. I never saw Love Guru. Flowers to Mike Myers, uh, Tommy Maitland, no flowers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll fucking Snapchat him right back, dude. Okay. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we'll give it to you. I also would like to give flowers to all my friends who I don't reach out enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't communicate, I'm a bad communicator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I don't reach out enough. I feel like I just go away and I lose touch with people completely. And, hey. You're a jet setter. I love you guys and I'm gonna stay in better touch with you. I don't believe you. If you're my true friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I figured out who it was! Is it Saronic? No, it's Jonica. Yes, I know Chris Saronic, yeah. It's Jonica. Wasn't he the guy who came over to the house? Uh, yeah, he might have came over to the house, yeah. That's right. That's who I was thinking about. He lives in Los Angeles, yes. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is crazy. I have to cut you a check, man. This is, you're giving them so much publicity. This is absurd. Hey, give it time. Give it time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they can do alcohol energy. Just taste, hey, just drink, hey dude, just drink something that tastes good. Whatever, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle hasn't tried buzz ball, and he doesn't know how poisonous they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to go, it's time to go. Anyone else? Any giveaways, takeaways, epic slams, apologies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're thinking of Entourage when he, uh, was one of the stars of Johnny's Bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a picture now. I actually think all of the talk that we've done is riveting and we make great radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But is there, what about just having like, you know, a beer? Oh, I thought this was a different. Yeah. What about just having a beer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mentally, I'm 30. Okay, good. Here we go. I'm 29. I'm 28. I'm 28. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you gotta, I don't know, what? You take the edge off every day? Why is that dangerous? Three drinks a day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems more balanced to me than, than the nine or the, what will probably be like twelve on the weekends when you go deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because at that point, it's, it's in your system. You're always constantly dealing with it. I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cups. Cups! Well, you know, I mean, yea, I think they're both, they're both, you're right, they're both patterns, and if- Death of a thousand cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would draw abs on their, they'd draw abs on their bellies, and they would get 300 beers, and the goal was to get- And then kick bald people into pits. No, no, you get a gang of your homies to like, uhm, try and finish 300 beers while you're watching the movie. That's the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, is it stopping at nine beers on the weekend? No, it's not stopping at nine drinks. It never stopped it. Nine beers is nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you're definitely getting like, you know, you're going hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that it stops like that. I just don't know that that's a... Is that a thing? You're actually stopping at nine or are you just making bigger drinks? Look at your drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously though, what is it? It's, what is a non-mixed, uh, tequila, what is it called? A margarita.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Right. Yeah, it sounds like you just took the sugar out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just drove the 5 Playboy, what the fuck? Still feel like you're moving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you were good, Blake. Blake was good. For the first time there, he really latched on to the rules. The tone is killing me here. I was surprised at how strategic you were. It was cute. Like how quickly you understood the rules and how quickly you understood how to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when you get him on the court, like we used to play sports all the time, I haven't done that in a while, and now it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you did, you did, you had me on my heels on that game. You did, you had, you, you did take the lead for about two or three points and you got fucking shook once the cameras came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gave him two fucking serves the whole game and then he decided to like, okay go ahead, tell your shit. What do you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does your child have a face? Was it a three? Did we go three? I think you guys maybe won one because we went three. I think you guys won the second game. Didn't you? I don't know that we did. I don't think we did. I think we just ran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I was really huffing. I was huffing and puffing out there. Like it was because we were running back and forth. It's just a lot of trotting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but he's like 70 years old and I have not beat him once. And I've played him. Is he wearing sleeves? He's, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, are you gonna take your truth where I think you're gonna take it? What the fuck are you setting up for, bitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, serve twice. Because it's hard to serve. So if you miss it, you get a second chance. You get a mole again. You know? And this was Blake's first day on the pickleball court. So he was serving double every time he missed. I would let him do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the solo game we did, until the moment when you got close to beating and you were like, nah, fuck that. And I was like, I wanted to win straight up. And I was like, okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I charged and I fucking stomped your ass, you know, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and I'm down to put some money on our next game, Blake. I'm down to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, if Blake, if Blake, if we play four, if we play two on two doubles ever, I got Blake and we'll whoop your ass for a hefty sum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never been fly fishing, would love to do it. I have done the deep sea halibut thing and the rainbow trout thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The waiters, it's just waiters, right? Yeaah, those shits look fuckin' sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I've done, I did halibut like I mentioned, and you know that halibut I believe have, uhm, have their two eyes on one side of their face. Huge dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So when we went fishing, when we went fishing for halibut, they would say like, hey, so why'd you guys go fishing today? And we'd all have to say, just for the halibut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake was rolling around with an old disposable camera when he was at my crib this weekend. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the weird thing, a woman who weighs 800 pounds. Well, this is Tuesday. We're current. We're current.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought you said you're mani- I thought you said, oh, cool, tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we're on a different track. We- we switched our little track over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't have to be a fan of Eminem or Dr. Dre to actually be in this picture. I'm gonna remind you of that. You don't have to. They were paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that has Stan. That's the Eminem show. I'm good. The Eminem show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to, I'd like to apologize to you guys for last week because I was very hot and I was like, uh, bothered because I didn't have the air conditioning on in my office. Uh, and I just tonight figured out how to turn it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very ironic in the same episode where I was giving you thermostat advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it was a hidden, it was a, it's a remote that has a fucking slide down, bro. So it looks like there's like three buttons. And then you, I'm like, I can't do anything with this. And then you slide down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't. Oh you- oh. I was in- I was in there once in awhile. You'll hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it was them and, uh, uh, Bloodhound gang were going at it for like funniest, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in Hot Topic because people were buying it to be funny, like ironically, and it was a nice navy blue if I recall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. Can we really just make this the friggin Hot Topic episode? Because Hot Topic held it down so fucking hard, dude. Oh yeah, Hot Topic was the spot. We didn't have Hot Topic. We didn't have it either. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't have anybody representing Alternative Rock where you lived?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, kookies or, uh, gadzooks, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking dope clothes, it was like. Army surplus goes hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never clocked a fucking glass elevator. That was just an elevator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so yes, the mall would be the place where, because usually when you were in high school or junior high or whatever, the girls you talked to were the girls you went to school with, but the mall was where all the schools came to one place. So you would see, uh, girls, I was like boys and girls that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh damn. That's really- No, we're talking about a time pre-start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why you never rocked Affliction. It is wild that you mentioned that, Dyrs, cause I kinda forgot that like, we did kinda see the birth of coffee shops in our neighborhood too. I remember we had this place called Mocha Lisa's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, why, why the fu- what's so bad about it though? Why is it outlawed? I have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are sodium! It's not a lady by the way, it's a really cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had a nice VCR. It advanced to that, like eventually every VCR did that, but I think that was a sick ass new addition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I gotta reach for it. What do we got brother?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were two VHSs, Badgolf My Way and Badgolf Made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard before you have a stroke you smell orange chicken. Good for ratings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, I just wanted to make sure I knew I was flowering. Chris Katan. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we've talked about Mango on this show before, that's how much we love this dude. We're championing his legacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I couldn't, I couldn't remember her name, Sherry O'Terry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just you being fucking in the moment, bro. Like you felt that moment and you took that moment with you and you brought it to the pod and you wanted to talk about it and I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're still waking up with your Folgers in your cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, rave it off. You're mixing temperatures that other way. My bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, hey, look, it's your, your clock. You can come out whenever you'd like, buddy. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you know what? Actually, I guarantee you 20 bucks. 20 bucks? Yeah, I'll give you 20 bucks for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was just me plotting and scheming real time and then pretending like I didn't say one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a mafia movie, right? There was like two, there was two mafia movies at that time, two good comedies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Corky, Romano, and what's the, what's the J. Moore one? Mafia. Mafia? Oh yeaah. They both were going after the mafia comedy, like, laugh-em-ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. More underrated than Katan? Katan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna tell you what text I made right after that, after you guys were talking about the wedding. I, cause the last thing to me from Eric was like, what's your address? I gotta send you a save the date. And then you guys hit up that this morning and I was like, I never got a fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, well, you know, that's where I get, uh, I guess I, I guess I, I don't get to go then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like families who hate each other bro, there's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Capulets and the Montagues, exactly. They're like, please, no murdering at our Shakespearean wedding, Elizabethan wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was when it was like, uh, that was when it was, when I was getting married. And it's like, as Shakespeare's once penned, if you love a woman and you love her a lot, then you, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I get lost on that, uh, Workaholics TV account. Like, they'll play some, some cuts, some mixes, and I'm like, dude, what? I don't even remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's hella funny. Home videos, basically? Yeah, it's like, that's our home videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Well, then somebody said four hands, which is the tightest bro. Like four hands. Yeah, that's great. Better than two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you said it's, somebody said stage diving and like that was a trippy thought to me, but... That was me. I think that was Blake. That was, uh, I think that was Blake just now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's three. So you've got feet and legs. That could be four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head, arms. Shoulders, knees, and toes. Head, arm one, arm two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arm one, arm two, body back, leg one, leg two, foot one, foot two. That's your eight right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and then you feel like puking and you have a headache because every toxin has been brought right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it, I've thrown the needles up, I mean they do it, but it's fucking scary dude, cause you get to a point where you're like, I don't think, I don't wanna, I couldn't move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if there's an earthquake? Yeah, my mind automatically goes to like the craziest shit and it's like I'm gonna be running out of here with needles in my foot and back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, do that one. Do the acupuncture needle gag SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. That's a spot I don't let most people touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's the trippiest worst imagery. Yeah, it's bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is for the future. This is for future generations. Your work here is, is imperative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're still figuring out why the cold sores come in to assure you we're still doing research.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Alright, let's rip it out. Now just don't pull it out slowly. I want you to rip it out as hard as you can, okay? What do you mean shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, actually, I don't know, cause they had it, it was obviously primed, so that must have just been a pure business move. A rights thing? Like they didn't own the rights to Rockstead and Beva?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They already sold a ton of Rocksteady and Bebop toys off the, off the cartoon. So then they probably, I bet you there's a version of the, of the movie with Rocksteady and Bebop and then some marketing guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, whatever. I bet they were like, we already, we don't sell enough, we're not gonna rebirth Rocksteady and Bebop. We got all of our people. What we need to do is make brand new fucking characters and launch them with the flick, with the ooze, with everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because didn't, uhm, didn't Rocksteady and Bebop have, uh, they have different origin stories than, than Ooze, right? I think they come from Dimension X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, this is early. This is, this is the second movie and they're like, they probably saw a, an opportunity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Nickelodeon Gack was cool because it felt like what I thought might, ooze might be. Ooze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They made Splinter look good. Yeah, they could have done that. I think it's something deeper. That's why I'm going deeper. But I mean, dude, the letdown was incredibly real, Durz, to get back to your first question. That shit was like, all you wanted to see was them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Punching holes in the wall. But like, wouldn't it have been great? Maybe spend some time plotting and scheming. Yeah, okay. Think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? What did they do? Yeah, I didn't see it either, but I'm gonna ask just conceptual questions. What was the stuff over the mouth and all that? Was that like them trying to just reinvent the character? Because the character was kind of off the radar, so they're like, well, we need to plus this fucking character up. Was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cuz it's just- Yeah, that's whack. I mean, what is that? That's like you're pushing down to a date. You're pushing to a date and you're just making wrong decisions, but you have to keep going because there's a fucking date that this has to hit the theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, because you're not, there's not enough time to actually exercise it, and then once you're tumbling making a movie, you're fucking going. You know, if you- Box office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that shit's rough, man. You gotta let it have its time to think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scan me. Yeah, he's like, before I go up, scan me. Why doesn't he do like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, yes, that's what he wants, but that's not what he wants. You know what I mean? Like if it happens, he'll do one a movie and cause a fucking hype and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like he doesn't actually want it, but if he wants it, he wants it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, like if you watch the movie, you only see a dog and the dog acts like a dog, but the dog was played by a person the entire movie. It might've been Shaggy Dog. Maybe it was Shaggy Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get the dog to do better things on set. Like, you've worked with dogs on set, they're tough, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it scared the fucking shit out of me, dude. Yeah, no, I mean, I get that. It is scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just fucking, when they're, when they're, uh, when they're little, they just dig into you, you know, they're just fucking, they, they got little puppy teeth and they just go at you. Right. Even now, my dog still will mark their, like, will warn, like, I got like babies crawling around and my oldest dog will be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally, I totally hear you. It's not a fun thing to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thankfully, I mean, it's just a growl over here, like nothing's happening. It's not it's not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you put the cones on them. You can do that stuff. We don't, we don't do any of that. We tried the bark callers once, but it is just when they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hear him yelping, it's like, I'm not doing that, man. I'm not talking. That's crazy. But I do hit him with a, you want to YELP!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the move is just like, you just to give them a command. Cause all they want to just like sit the fuck down, sit down, right? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like court law, uh, on YouTube. It's on YouTube. It's like crime and law. It's a crime and law channel. But they blur it. There's another one that doesn't blur stuff. And here's my question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ice cream melted is hella funny because I think that, uh, I think that he fell asleep, he says he fell asleep without the ice cream in his hand and then she put the ice cream there after it's passed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He testified for what? Like fucking all last week, right? Like he was on the stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I got the fucking flu. I had major, major spray coming out the ass last week. Yup. Talk about diarrhea. There was no dice. I hear it's going around. Be careful. Watch yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that actually means ex- so that's like kind of, if you're, if you're like, we didn't find any dice, no dice, that means you're in the clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I was shitting out my ass with diarrhea, no dice. So it does work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it doesn't because I got no dice. That means I'm lucky because they didn't find any dice. I guess it's the perspective. No. No, this is backwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about, I was thinking about, cause I kinda was thinking about cutting my hair. It's getting hot. It's the summer. It's hot as hell, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's hot dude. So I was thinking about just pulling it up and buzzing the sides. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean like just do it prematurely, like hit it with the gray. I've seen these cool colors that are like gray and like a lilac, like a purple. Girls were doing that for a minute, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's very counterculture. The next thing you know, it's everybody at Coachella's Cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on. Explain it to me, please. I've never seen this item.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think the cardinal like, unscrewed it? Yeah, I broke it. I think the cardinal, well, it keeps picking at us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to pull that interview up because I bet it is good as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I had the same problem in my neighborhood. There was like a finch or something that was attacking everybody's mirrors and like- Bird talk to new luggage talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, vote now if you hate pickleball talk, luggage talk, or bird talk more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't. Oh my god! I just noticed that it is now available on my TV for 20 bucks and I'm gonna watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't either, but people love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't want to get in trouble, dude. The rock will get me. No, the rock's not in it. I was just kidding. Come on now. I was looking around at the extras in the crowd and none other than


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so pleasant. He was so stoked to see me. He was just asking about our movie. He was definitely like, dude, it was just so nice. He's like, dude, we're family. We're family. That's it. We are. It wasn't a show. It is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is so cool. I think that was like the one thing while we were doing the show because it was our first show that didn't quite register until it was over that like you really do and maybe it's one of the hardest things about Hollywood is like the longer you're on a project the more you like forge bonds with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody who's a part of the show, and when it ends, you never know when you're gonna see them again. You, hopefully your paths will cross, cross again, and it does happen, but like, just the day to day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you love him? Dude, I swear I saw- so we had a really good, uh, cost- head of costume department, Jerry. What was his last name? Jaeger? Jaeger. Yes. Dig, bro, I'll take a Jaeger for that, brother! We'll wait, go ahead, we'll wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one around here somewhere. I think I saw him at the mall, but it was still mask time, so I didn't say what's up. But he's got that walk. I know, I'm like, that's Jerry, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know. He was at a damn like Macy's in like Burbank and I'm like, that's Jerry. I know I should come. I should go up to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying he was kind of like the stand up bass if you were to play him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be a little bit of a departure, but did you guys ever listen to the Peter and the Wolf like orchestra when you guys were young? One thousand percent. Off the chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You serious? Kyle, do you have this memory with me? Maybe it was elementary school. We went to the Concord Pavilion and watched a live orchestra play the Peter and the Wolf thing. So Adam, basically what this is, and you can look it up on iTunes, like Apple Music or whatever, is it's a, it's this whole orchestra where each


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, character or animal is represented by a, an instrument. So like the cat is like a flute and like the wolf is like, and they each have their own theme song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I threw on that Peter and the Wolf, like, orchestra, and I was just like, this shit is hard as fuck, dude. Each character's, it's, it's just sick, dude. Classical music's kind of fucking sick, bro. Go off, go off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the very beginning, they like give you the rundown. They're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna hear the like instruments. This is what represents this. And then it goes... Right. And then like they're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't seen an invite to that, but I would pull up no problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yours is a little exceptional. I mean, there's literally like an Adam Devine day in Nebraska. Like it's definitely. Yeah, they're helping me out. You're going to have to like really bring it dude. You're kind of like, you're almost the face of the city, brother. This dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just kinda sneak in and hang out in the corner with your really down, like, bros, and just be like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my thing, like, I haven't tapped in with Facebook in over like, I don't know, it must have been like five to seven years, so I have completely lost touch with anybody from high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, dude, homie died, bro. Well, I mean, there's like ten-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just like terrible. It's just complicated. Yeaah. Yeaah. For sure. How are our parents navigating the most complicated of the social media?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was there, brother. It was a great show. Yeah, like over three years ago. Are you itchin' or are you like, yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then stand up got really not fun. You just might get tackled or stabbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tight two jokes. Little meet and greet. I don't know, that could be cool. Little outdoor, little outdoor fest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we dropped the ball. Because uhm, there is a Raising Canes that opened in Burbank, California. That is just a fucking match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is it? Olive? Olive and Burbank? Yes, so we used to have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, because there's a Chick-fil-A like up the block on Olive and that goes off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it is so good. I'm just jealous because I can't even get close to a little chicken meal. I'm pissed, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy, dude. It was a whirlwind. Like, I, we showed up to this bar where... It was crazy. Like, you already know, like, when I, when I get on one, like, I'm ready to go and they were ink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we, we rolled up with like, I'm, I'm like, oh okay, I'm coming out here with this acapella crew, like me and Adam will be the showstoppers, but people hung.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super tough. And we rolled into this bar and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, stand up on the bar, like, here's a bottle of the Yeager, you can pour shots into everybody's mouth. I'm like, I'm not, like, what is even happening? And then like- Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like the bottle, so I'm, no, I'm pouring the bottle into people's mouths and it runs out and I'm like, it ran out, it ran out and the bartender's like, cocktail, cocktail, throw it against the wall and I'm like, are you serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just freaking launch it, shatter against the wall, having the best time of my life, then they like send me up to the DJ booth, all I know is like, play Lil Boosie, like play Lil Webby, like, it was so fucking fun. All the littles were played. All the littles, it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is actually crazy. That would have been really scary, but no. Just wheelin' and dealin'. Dennis D, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tony's on another level, he's a real legend, that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's what they're for. Don't trip. That's really what they're for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How he delivered that line made me laugh so fucking hard. I mean, fun fact, he was kinda second place to be Montez, dude. We brought him into Audition for Montez and he killed that as well. Is that right? I don't remember that. Yeah, dude. Mel was in the running to be Montez. Would've been better. Yeah, probably would've been much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, can we get the update? Yes, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for representing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. He was ready for anything, man. He was ready for anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll, shoot, I'll, I'll apologize to Eric Griffin for not going to the wedding and uh, I called him and FaceTimed him and apologized that way as well and I love you bud and you're a really great friend and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a lot of stuff. I can't even like some stuff I can't even say on air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. This is a friend that goes way back all the way to elementary school. He's a Concord native. He makes great stuff. I wear my Adam custom leather belt every day. It hasn't even shown one fucking sign of shredding, dude. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she had just stepped down and you went like in the betweens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we did about face and just leave. Uhm, and I feel bad about that now. We probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe broke your confidence for the night, ruined you for a year maybe. Uhm, I hope you've bounced back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, when Orlando Bloom winks at you, you, you get a little scared. So it is a wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they playing the one that we voiced or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, videos are better. Those, those slap. Yeaah. Yes, they do. They bang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine he thought he was on some shit and then the wizards really haven't done shit about it for years? Yea, he got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think two episodes in a row when Kyle was saying Asterik.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Oh yeaah. And I was clowning you, saying asterix. Yep. Because it is like a plural sound, but it's actually asterisk. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a giant pipe made out of a bike pump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Kyle, you, now you're down in southern California and you are a Bay Area boy. Hello. Did you fly down with that in your suitcase? And if so, can we talk luggage? Oh no!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's annoying, and then, and then when you roll it on, they stop you as if you are a full-blown terrorist, and it's your sole purpose is to blow this plane up. Every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because they can't, they, you're not allowed to keep it in your suitcase while you travel. Because I guess one- I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the bag, in the bag. So there's one that's like, it's like inside the bag. It's very handy if you could travel with it. But then you go through and then every, I took it out right away because I got hassled and then I just keep it in my backpack. You're not allowed to keep it in the, the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely the correct way to say it is monogram, but I, I don't know if I've ever said that word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Blake was saying, uh, the word garage comes from go rage. And I'm like, absolutely, Jesus Christ, you're a genius. And the derbs, derbs, uh, snopes'em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm actually really tired right now, that's why I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is Gojuice, yea yea yea. But I'm, it's like I'm half of the way through it, so it's, it's not fully, full steamed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think every time I'm like, is this how I'm gonna get a DUI? And that'd be the shittiest way to get a DUI, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucked. Offense. Yeah. According to the law. Yeah. I think it's the same offense. But is it a DWI?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Wait, what? So, why didn't you take a lamp and smash it over his head and then stab him 35 times and slit his throat with a sharp?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, if I ever wanna- You get a key, you get a key. If I ever wanna fuck a dude, I'm out of the country, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, mm, yeaah, beat his wife up, because... Allegedly. Yeaah, no, I'm not him. Maybe she snuck in when he was sleeping. So, you know, we don't know the whole story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what happened to your bodies? Kyle immediately released all the flatulence within his body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, other productions do that too, if they have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go scoob it. You should go scoobing. I'd go scoobing. Or go tennis and pickle, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I had a, I had a crazy thing that happened, uh, uh, yesterday. So I was, uh, on my bike, and I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to, you know, partake in some fitness, and I'm riding down the boardwalk, and then I see a cop. On your specialized bicycle? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's at sunset, the helicopter's up, and it's fully blocked off, there is, uh, like a full SWAT team truck outside, and then the guys in full SWAT team with gear and assault rifles drawn, and then the whole area shut down, and like 15 cop cars are lining the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're not allowing people to come further down the peninsula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he could have pulled to the side of the road and maybe allowed her to get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's crazy to me about this story is instead of just taking a quick walk to get a couple papers, you decided I'm gonna ruin these two knives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. Yeah, and then we sawed it off, and then I kept it underneath, uh, my steering wheel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This plastic part would pop off of my 93 cavalier convertible. It would pop off and it's like where wires and shit were and that I could either fit-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six pack of beer. Sawed off shotgun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but, uh, I'm saying it could, it could be a multi-day event. It's like, it's like Christmas. Christmas is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you, Hanukkah. It could be eight crazy nights. And Christmas day. It could be eight crazy nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure check it. Uh, remember when we died during 420 in the episode? Check it. Zip it. Check it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Welsh's grape juice. Should we tell them? Should we tell everybody two things? I don't know. We banked all those podcasts you've been listening to like three months ago and now we're back and it's a little weird. It is. Cat's out of the bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was Neo something, and he's in Germany, I can't remember the rest of it, but yea, that's his whole life now. Peace, buddy. Peace. And if he was here, he'd explain more of it, I guess, or recruit, I guess is what he's trying to do. Is he ever coming back? What the fuck, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so we don't know what we've all been up to. Yeah, holy shit. Kyle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what are you, you should, what are you doing to, your boobs are huge. What are you doing to, like, get some muscle? Cause that's a good cardio to be running around doing pickleball, but like, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before every game or between, I don't know how it is, but like, before you do games, just do 10 pushups, just drop and do 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sent? Did not send it. That would be... That would be a little weird. If he's like, check out my bod. Next level flagrant. If I was like, guys, by the way, check on me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At your birthday dinner, dog. That must have been an aside. That was when we had a private conversation about it. She was, yeah, that's a side. All right. Um, no, she was like, I thought that was photoshopped and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake's body is always in shape and he wears his big t-shirts like a kid at a pool just to hide it all. So let's see it. See? Wow. Look at that. There's nothing. There's no jiggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Did you guys have sea monkeys as a kid? Sea monkeys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they real? Were they alive? Bro, they were there, they were there and forgot they were there, but you're not like truly like nurturing these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look at them, cause on the box, they have like faces and like have like headphones and they're like, yeah, like little crown. Yeah, they like rock. And then when you get up close and you look


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's give them their flowers! Let's pull the curtain back, cause we did some Carl's Jr. stuff during Workaholics, right? Yes, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they like coached us on how to eat it. Yes. We had to hold. Which was super fucking annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, I assume, I'm like, yo, we're about to get served, by the way, fuck Carl's Jr. right now, but like, I was like, we're about to get served the greatest Carl's Jr. possible, right? Cause you're like, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is them putting their best foot forward. It's not just like Mike flipping burgers and being like, this is your shit. And they were like, cold. Yeaah, spray painted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Save, save for later. Your first job was Carl's Jr.? Besides the paper route, yea, it was Carl's Jr. Green, green burrito or Carl? What are we talking here? Nooo, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you got? What, what, what, what, what, what? The Mexican pizza's back. The Mexican pizza is back. Where? And who is this courtesy of? Cause she like announced it at Coachella. At Coachella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah! Uhm, wait, wait, you just dropped, uhm, gorditas, state gorditas. Was that your go-to? Cause that was my go-to in high school. When the gordita dropped, I was like, this is it. Yeah, gorditas are great.