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[Assistant] Yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of tires on each side. So I think several of the tires blew at once, but they were still- You were on a big plane, you were flying from Boston to LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being by myself in the car and just kind of processing what had happened and then...


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[Assistant] That night I went to the Lakers game and they were playing the Phoenix Sun, so it was, and there was Delta on the Jumbotron, so it was like, I left Phoenix to drive to LA, walked into a Lakers Suns game and then Delta's on his, I don't know, this is weird. Yeah, yeah, sure. And I'm, I'm alive and I'm still flying and I'm not as afraid of flying as I was before that, cause I know that I survived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. That's how I process a lot of stuff since having kids. It's different. It's different. But that's uhm, my son doesn't have a pogo stick. No. That hurts. He does, uh, yeaah. He is playing football though. Oh wow. Yeaah, yeaah. Uhm, I uh, yeaah, that's tough. My question for a lot of these videos that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh, unearthed is when that happens, who's making the decision to upload?


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[Assistant] Isn't that amazing? Yeah, that's a good Texas story. Can I tell you a good Texas story? I was leaving my hotel room this morning.


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[Assistant] When a guy came up to me and I think he was, you know, he was dressed in all black, like kind of, I think he might've been homeless, but like at a snake eyes look or like a new Kanye look, you know what I mean? Just all black balaclava. And he approached me. Oh my God. Yeah. I was leaving the, um, the hotel room and he said to me, he said, you up in that hotel room wishing on a bitch. I done already fucked her. And I, and obviously I was like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he's right. I am alone in my hotel room, wishing on a bitch.


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[Assistant] The fact that he had already fucked her, it puts me into a headspace where I start picturing the scenario. And I'm like,


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[Assistant] I would hate to hear, I would hate if he beat me to this particular girl. And you know, obviously he was a crackpot or what's the, what's the word for. Unhoused. Okay. Yeah. On the looks. And, um, that was my sexist taste for the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wishing on a bitch. I haven't heard that in a while and I was just thinking, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, in, uh, 2024. Wu Tang's on tour now, so, uhm, that's gotta, uh, wind down and then Zarface is gonna get on the road. Will you do Austin, please? I would love to, absolutely. Austin's the best. I can't wait to come see you guys. Love to see you guys again and, and, uh, absolutely. That's awesome, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you Irish? I have Irish blood, but I'm not like, uh, you know.


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[Assistant] Kevin say it properly. Have you had a lot of relationships? Uhm, I've-


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[Assistant] Yeah, you guys deserve it. You worked all week trying to spend that money.


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[Assistant] Good morning ladies, it's 6 o'clock in the morning, it's time to go to work. Get up and let them boots hang.


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[Assistant] Slap that queen on her butt, slap that king on his butt, get him up.


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[Assistant] Put them in the shower. Let's go. Let's have a wonderful day.


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[Assistant] One of the first interviews I did, I'm asked, the first question was, uh, when you were at SNL did you ever do cocaine?


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[Assistant] And only so I could stay awake late enough to make sure the Belushi didn't do too much.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, yeah, that was, I clobbered my opponent in the first race by 312 votes. I don't know if you remember, we had a recount that lasted essentially nine months. It was a legal battle. And, uh, so finally when it happened, I, yeah, I, well, I was thrilled. Yes, of course. And then when I got sworn in, I was the 60th, uh, democratic Senator and that's how we got the Affordable Care Act.


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[Assistant] I'll give you an example. One of the first interviews I did with the newspaper, uhm,


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[Assistant] I thought SNL was going to be like a feather in my cap when I was running.


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[Assistant] And it turned out the people in Minnesota didn't really see the connection.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and it was, if anything, used against me. So, one of the first interviews I did, I'm asked, the first question was, uh, when you were at SNL, did you ever do cocaine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And only so I could stay awake late enough to make sure the Belushi didn't do too much. Okay, now, you got that that was a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he could stay awake late enough to make sure that cast member John Belushi didn't do too much. Belushi later died of a drug overdose.


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[Assistant] So, but I did it satirically, so I said, uhm,


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[Assistant] Like, we had to like, go, we had to...


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[Assistant] Do focus groups, uh, Chuck Schumer, who was head of the Democratic Senate campaign committee at the time, thought, oh, this is too much baggage, he can't win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we had to do focus groups. What you do is your pulsar goes in and we have people come in.


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[Assistant] Exactly, exactly. And like, the first question she asked was like, if you knew Al Franken told jokes about bestiality, would you be more likely to vote for him? Hell yea.


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[Assistant] Minnesota's got irony. Yeah. And they got satire. So in context it, it, it, it, and I, and I clobbered.


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[Assistant] It is very toxic now, we're incredibly divided as a country. When I got to the Senate in 2009, first day I was there, I was talking to some of the guys who had been there a while, and one of them said, this is the worst it's ever been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Carl Levin, from Michigan, who'd been there a long time, said, oh, it's been worse. And I said, when? He said, uh, 1854. And he was talking about Charles Sumner getting caned by a Southern, he was a Boston representative who was caned by a guy from South Carolina.


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[Assistant] And I said, well that was in the lead up to the Civil War. And he goes, oh yeaah, okay, well after that, this is the word.


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[Assistant] And now, it's, and a lot of that, I think, is Trump, uh, you know, he's very divisive. No!


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[Assistant] Well there's- Clever. There are similarities, obviously, in that there's a lot of-


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[Assistant] It's rough. It's a tough business, right? Yeah. I know better than anybody. Uhm, and so they're both


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[Assistant] Well, I think there are some, you know, uh, uh, news organizations that are more objective than others and more professional than others. I wrote a book, uh, called Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations. I wrote that in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, came out in 95 after Gingrich had won. And that was about Rush. There was this thing called the Fairness Doctrine.


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[Assistant] It said that when you're broadcasting, that's broadcasting, this is when everything was broadcasting, there was no internet.


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[Assistant] So when you're broadcasting, you have to present both sides.


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[Assistant] The thing. And then they got rid of it in 1987 and Rush Limbaugh.


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[Assistant] You know, figured it out. And he was extremely talented.


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[Assistant] And there's a reason for that, he's very talented, but he is also...awful.


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[Assistant] He was homophobic, he was uhm, you know, anti-feminist, he was racist.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the thing is, as I said, he's talented, and also, there is, there should be two repu, uh, two parties.


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[Assistant] And right now we have, the Republican Party has kind of stopped participating in good faith.


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[Assistant] Well yea, my former Republican colleagues, some of whom I still talk with, readily will admit that they know the election wasn't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stolen and yet won't say it, won't say it out loud and literally will say to me, well, if I do that, I'll lose my primary.


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[Assistant] And you'll get something cra- you know, you'll get someone crazier than me. And I said, the keyword there is crazier.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. You know, and, but yeaah, they're afraid of him.


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[Assistant] And he showed it, uh, you know, anybody who defied him got destroyed basically.


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[Assistant] So, it's, yeaah, it's, it's scary, but, you know, I don't wanna just... No, no, I know. ...talk about... Of course. ...uh, the, the stuff that I care about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Information systems. I just wanted to, uh, just talk about that. Rush Limbaugh was,


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[Assistant] Radio, talk radio. Then I wrote a book called Lies and Lying Liars to tell them a fair and balanced look of the right. It was about Fox. Okay. Then Fox happened, so that's cable. Now we have the internet. Yeah, wild. And so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're right, it's now, you get your information where you want to get your information, and uhm, it's, it's, we're just, that's big part of the division in this country. There. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we, we uhm, I wrote a lot of the political sketches, mainly on the show I was a writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I wrote a lot of, and Jim, I wrote with Jim Downey and Jim Downey, the brilliant, brilliant, brilliant writer, and he's a Republican. A moderate Republican, he's an anti-Trump-er. But, but we felt like, and this was Jim's motto.


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[Assistant] It was to reward people for knowing stuff, but not punish them for not.


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[Assistant] That's a, a bar, right? That's setting yourself a bar.


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[Assistant] We were trying to, if you didn't know the ins and outs of stuff, you didn't miss anything. But if you did, you went, oh wow, I'm not seeing this anywhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Season one, uh, 75 to 80, we were, Tom Davis and I were, uh, through the original.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, I mean, it went with Tom, and so the original cast is Belushi Ackroyd.


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[Assistant] And, and I see the writers, Michael Donahue, all these great writers. And I remember saying to Tom, I said, this show's gonna be a hit. And Tom, being Tom, was going like, yea right. And it was, I mean it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really, we got, we had the opportunity to get these people


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[Assistant] From our generation. This is the first time our generation was on TV.


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[Assistant] You know, uhm, Tom and I did stand up. We did, we're working out at the comedy store.


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[Assistant] Anyway, and, uh, this William Morris agent called us, eh, eh, had us come in and said, you guys are, uh, your material is great, what do you ever think of writing?


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[Assistant] Carson is a great show. I thought The Tonight Show was great, but we were not mar-


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[Assistant] Carol Burnett show was on, that was a great show, but wrong generation. And then Sonny and Cher was a show, it was on.


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[Assistant] Why don't you put a package together of what you'd like to see. I'll show you like that. And we, we put a package that had a news parody, a sketch. The sketch was a parody of Sonny and Cher. We did a commercial parody and we did a conceptual film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was 14 pages long, so this is, you must get submissions from people for things, or do you?


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[Assistant] And do people submit, like, here's a writing sample and they submit 50 pages?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and you go like, you can tell after a page, right? If someone's got an original voice. And if they're funny. Funny, you know, then something new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we just, uh, then we got a call from him. Be there on Monday. We were in LA.


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[Assistant] Really smart and one of the great instinctive performers and with the energy, I mean she's just the best. Alan Zweibel wrote a lot for her. Who? Alan Zweibel was a writer on the show and he wrote a lot for Emily Otella and uh, Rosanne Rosanadana.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that meant that they all got to do stuff every week.


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[Assistant] The people don't get on enough because you just get comfortable when you're doing and you play everything. Yeah.


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[Assistant] When, when, you know, if there was a waiter in a scene, it was a writer. Yeah. You know, now it's like one of the featured players and it's nothing, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, uh, you know, again, you have an amazing cast. The show has had amazing casts all throughout. And, uh, the show, you know, I tell the story that the first show of the second season, I, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show's over, I go back up to the 17th floor, the phone's ringing, I answer the phone, and someone goes, well, the show's dead. That was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so the Saturday Night Dead has been going on since year two.


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[Assistant] That, that, that era was an amazing cast. Yeah. Hartman. Oh. Unbelievable. Jan Hooks. Carvey. Neilan. Yes. Neilan attitude. I mean, you could write a piece, uhm, you know, you know, everyone loves Chippendales, that piece, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His attitude in that, if you look at that piece, kneeling is such a... Driving it, right? Driving it. So brilliant.


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[Assistant] And that was Downey. Downey wrote that too. So funny.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it was, that cast was pretty amazing, but, but yeaah, that period, I loved that period. Yeaah, so good. And Dana was just on fire. On fire. And we, you know, we had, uh,


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[Assistant] Those cold openings with George H.W. Bush. Yeah.


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[Assistant] When he found that, Danny and I would write these cold openings. And it was like a crutch, because we just put them out there.


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[Assistant] And sometimes we write, so I don't, I've never said this to another performer. Sometimes we write a piece and you get too many laughs.


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[Assistant] In dress. And we go up to him and go like, Dana, we're losing the through line. Because he would just do that thing up over there.


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[Assistant] And then he'd point at, and people would just laugh and...


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[Assistant] At a certain point they'd missed the through line of, we actually had a point to the piece. But, but, but Dana completely


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[Assistant] Understood what we were saying and dialled it exactly downright. He's an amazing performer.


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[Assistant] Holy shit. And he was getting laughs at will.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I wasn't on that much. I was like a what's called a featured player. I was one of the people that is on the long list.


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[Assistant] But I was in the second, uh, group. And just every once in a while, like, Franklin and Davis would get on, like, we would, if the show just,


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[Assistant] I did Stuart, I, I, I'm in Alenon, which is for,


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[Assistant] And the guy is saying something like, I just know that the higher power put an apartment in my life. And I'm going like, this guy is, you know, this guy is an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, but then, the next week, he said something that just hit me. And I went, oh, I see, you can learn stuff from people, like everyone, from people who aren't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intellectual. Sure. You know, which is some stupid fucking bias I had. Right.


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[Assistant] And so I thought, oh I see, let's do a character who's in recovery.


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[Assistant] Uh, so uh, yeaah, so I thought I had something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and, and, uh, guess what? Mike, Michael Jordan takes notes really well.


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[Assistant] Unfucking bo- I mean, first of all, he's Michael Jordan. Sure. Okay, there's that. And they were just gonna do the first Olympics where NBA players- Dream team, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just, I remember seeing in his dressing room and going like, well, are you like confident? He goes, yeah. And he was like the most confident.


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[Assistant] Human being. Human being I've ever met, but you know, kind of for good reason. Sure. I did a joke once that kind of died at the ESPYs.


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[Assistant] Lauren produced the ESPYs one year. So I was presented, I presented an award and so this is after the second three-peat. Okay. So I come out and I go like, I just want to say something.


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[Assistant] You know, a lot of people are saying that Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player who ever lived. Well all I can say is, Michael, prove it.


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[Assistant] About him is absolutely fucking true. Everything he's always just...


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[Assistant] Bragging on something that he did that he didn't do. And, it's just the most awful person.


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[Assistant] So he goes, he literally, literally does this. He says, uh, I have an idea for a sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Okay, so I'm a psychiatrist and Victoria, that's Victoria Jackson, comes in and I'm her psychiatrist and I hypnotize her. And uhm, I have sex with her.


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[Assistant] And then at the end I tell her she's got to come back every week.


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[Assistant] You want us to do the ugliest sketch that's ever been on television?


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[Assistant] Needless to say, we didn't do that piece, but he always was just an


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[Assistant] Awful in so many ways, some of which, okay, so.


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[Assistant] A monologue. And he had just been in Moonstruck, I think, and a honeymoon in Vegas.


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[Assistant] And in this monologue he's going like, oh it was great to be a Moonstruck.


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[Assistant] Because I got to see Cher's ass, like every...


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[Assistant] Nicholas, uh, could you, uh, Lauren wants to talk to you, could you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you talking about your co-star's, uh, you know, uh, breasts? And he goes, well, because it was just so great. And I go, uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh, Sofia Coppola is your cousin. If we had a host on and said, like, I was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, on a set and with Sofia Coppola and I, I, it was great cause I got to look at her boobs and go, oh! Oh man!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple weeks later, I'm booked on The Tonight Show. Jay's doing the show.


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[Assistant] And I look at the TV guy, they had TV guys in this point or something, I look at something and it's like me and the Ramones.


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[Assistant] I'm not a lead guest. There's gotta be someone else. Yeah. You got it. I show up. It's Steven Seagal.


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[Assistant] So I do my first segment and then come back and, um, so God leans over to me and go like, why did Lauren say that about me? I was the worst host ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he picked you because you're such a big star and you could, you know, kick his ass.


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[Assistant] Okay, uhm, this is an interesting thing because I have a team that advises me because I'm still kind of involved in politics and uhm, if I say something


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[Assistant] That they think is strategically bad for me to say, even if it's funny.


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[Assistant] Not because it's funny, but because they think it's... They go, I have one advisor who just goes, it's not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's not what she means. She means that don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't say that. Yeah. So I was asked, like, what do people say in a writer's room when someone pitches something that doesn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's, no one says that's not funny.


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[Assistant] Uhm, most of all, writer's table was rewrites. And that was Thursday night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Schneider came up with the best response, I thought.


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[Assistant] Which was, uh, someone pitched something and he'd go, that one curve foul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arguments over what should be in the show, what should be blocked, what should be, what you should make a set for, you know, and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, you don't know, right? Yea. You don't know. I mean, sometimes you know, know. Yea. And sometimes you don't know. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's taste. Sure. That's what Lauren's thing is. He has this broad taste and he brings in all these different, you know, tastes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, there be, I have narrow tastes in some ways. Which is a weakness and a strength.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's a little Hunger Games-y. Yeaah. You know, unfortunately.


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[Assistant] And you get, you get on once every three weeks or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you made a really good point at the beginning of this, which was that...


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[Assistant] I didn't have to show up. I mean, I didn't have to come in to the show. I didn't have that. I just was one of those people. And man, that's, that's a nice, that's a nice thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not there now, the critical mass there, I mean there's just so many people there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many writers, and we had like 12 writers too.


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[Assistant] Uhm, now, I don't know, I don't see the crawl and there's just, just there's a lot more people there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do for a person my age. Looks great. It does look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We come back from the trip and I'm in the cloak room and Carl's there and I had just gotten a very short haircut and I have a full head of hair. And Carl says to me, wow, you got a short haircut. I said, well, you can do that when you have hair. And Bill Nelson is there from Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I start saying like, you know, uh, we just got back from Afghanistan and we went to a forward operating base and we took a helicopter there and Carl got off the helicopter while the blade's still going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both of them laughed, but Bill said, see now I couldn't get away with a joke like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You work, whenever you can do something, accomplish something for people, uh, you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to do it in a bipartisan way if you can. And there are a lot of things that have nothing to do with partisanship. So I would do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let me think of something I did. Uh, crisis intervention training for cops. Crisis intervention training is training cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To recognize when they've been in a situation that's kind of fueled by a mental health issue or drug addiction and how to deescalate that. And so I fund, uh, I wrote a bill to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do federal funds to teach cops to do that. And it works. It works. And police departments have done it. It cuts down on them killing people unnecessarily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm putting this together and what would you say, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I would find a police chief in Texas who's for it. Yeah. And I'd say this police chief who you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dallas is for this. So that's a lot of how you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Work it, and your staff is doing that kind of thing. They're finding...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, and your staff is working with their staff. So my judiciary counsel is working with his judiciary counsel. So now we're working on this. So maybe his staff tells him first before I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something wrong with him. I mean, he's smart. Very smart. I have so many stories. In my act, I have a whole Ted Cruz section.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Amy Klobuchar, uh, who is my senior senator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, good sense of humor, and she's picked to do the gridiron damage, which is this prestigious breast donor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the Carnival Cruise in late 2013 is a cruise that goes out to the Gulf of Mexico. And it's a luxury cruise, Bill is a luxury cruise, and they have an engine fire, and everything, the motor, the engine's gone, but so is everything else, the electricity, the plumbing, so there's all this poop, floating on the decks, poop decks, actual literal poop decks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she comes up with this really good joke, which is when most people think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you'll hear this at the end of this section of the Ted Cruz section. So, I, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next Thursday, I see her going to different senators who she's written jokes about, and so she heads to Ted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and so we're having, and she says, she's soft on jokes. She says, oh Ted, I'm doing a gridiron dinner and I'm doing a joke about you. And I wonder if I could run it by and he goes, I'll tell you what, I believe in the first amendment. You go ahead and tell me your little joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she goes, when most people think of a difficult cruise, she softens it for him. They think of Carnival, but we Democrats in a sense think of Ted. And he goes, it's sort of difficult, why don't you make it a challenging cruise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, I want to be here for this. So he goes, okay, what does that go? When most people think of a cruise as full of shit,


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[Assistant] He was just kind of stunned, and I just turned and walked away, and he-


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[Assistant] He just been, he lied to me a lot and he lied to other people and he just, everyone just hates him. You know, and he's got a, he's just got a real problem. Uh, you know, Cancun, that was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he like, okay, he's going to go on a four day vacation at Cancun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, while Texas is frozen over, people are dying, right?


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[Assistant] So he gets caught, he's in a roller bag, and uh, someone videotapes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he gets photographed on the plane and he lands and the staff calls him, we got a problem and he just immediately just goes, well I was just dropping the kids off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I'm going right back. And, you know, the problem was he was in a group chat with some other families and he had, he and Heidi had invited


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ritz Carlton in Cancun, and Ted loves the Ritz Carlton.


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[Assistant] Now normally when you ask people to go on vacation with you, you know, they're friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm good. It's crazy. If you, if you want to learn to juggle, you can juggle. You learn to juggle. So what happened was I lose this bar back because the guy says to me, I bet you can't name all 50 states. I said, of course I can. I go to Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Arizona. I got, I got 49.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I couldn't figure out which one, I lost 10 bucks and I said that'll never happen again if I draw the fucking map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That won't happen. Now, no one's ever done this before. So, you gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, let's start with the 49th parallel, of course. Uh-huh. And, uh, let's start with Minnesota, my home state. And you're there, you're looking for that? Yes, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that, I mean, I can't remember. I just started doing it and, you know, when I was a kid, my parents, I had a puzzle. Yeah. And it was wood. Every state, even Rhode Island was its own thing. So let me see. Okay. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause I didn't, it was a napkin, it was like a bar napkin, and I just didn't keep it, which was stupid, but I, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this is like almost like abusive, right? How much he tours. Yeah. Yeah. It's horrible. And that's an issue. Is that an issue? Yeah. Uh huh. And uh, what, will you talk about it?


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[Assistant] How many children do you have? Two. Each has a boy and a girl.


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[Assistant] It's a lot easier. Yeaah, I know. How did you and your wife meet?


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[Assistant] I had a mixer in college. Really? Yep. You went to Harvard, right? Yep.


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[Assistant] During a period when it was a lot easier for a white guy, in the heart of that period was from the founding of the school in 1636 until last year.


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[Assistant] As a brand, yeaah. Uhm, I would say. I, no.


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[Assistant] I, I didn't feel that way and uhm, maybe it's cause there are people there who


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[Assistant] I did, the stand up I did was with Tom Davis. Uh huh. And that was a team. And that's so different than what you do and what I'm now doing.


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[Assistant] And I love stand-ups. I just love stand-ups. I love you. I love there's some.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so I started after Leveson, uh, started giving some speeches and I realized these are fun, this is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might as well just get rid of the podium and just, so I'd go to the seller, I'd go to the comedy seller in New York, and I'd just work out.


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[Assistant] And then I said, okay, let's do it. And I did it. And that's where I've been doing it. And it's, it's great fun. And as you know, the more you do it, the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was interesting is, the first time I did the seller,


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[Assistant] I knew I had 30 minutes. You knew it. Okay. I knew it. Cause I had been doing these speeches and essentially I knew.


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[Assistant] My opening line for about two thirds of comedians I follow is, well, you know, Daryl did great, but of course he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you got em. You got em. Yeah, and, and, uh, it helps. I'm good. Yeah, of course. There it is. There's that.


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[Assistant] The show always does best when there's a balance between the writers and the performers. And you know, when the writers are prevailing, you get a lot of interesting material. And when the performers are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she's in a city that she, uh, has a support system.


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[Assistant] You can also use this one for people that flake on you. If she texts you back an hour later at 9 o'clock saying she overslept or some shit like that, just say fine. You know, it's too bad we couldn't have that much fun before I left town. You never know what you might get out of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee's with, uh, coconut milk and one stevia.


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[Assistant] If she's in a city, that she, uh, has a support system.


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[Assistant] If your bond is strong enough and you get her isolated, that's when you start step number three. This is the emotional teardown. You start tearing down the way she looks. Starting with her weight, facial features. You start telling her how good your ex was and this and that.


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[Assistant] Wait, did you guys not talk? I mean, we talked, but- Okay, so I'm not making this up. Yeah, but he was the one who started that shit. I ain't really got shit to say about basketball, you know what I'm saying? I haven't played that shit since I was like fucking, I don't know, 10?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, you know, uh, I heard that he has trouble working out at home too. You know, his wife calls him Regina when he works out. What? You know that? Cause he like, every time he gets like 15 minutes on the treadmill, he's like,


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[Assistant] Nigga, I arm wrestled Joe Rogan. I like the disadvantage. You like the disadvantage. I like a disadvantage. I don't wanna fuckin' play a game I'm gonna win. I wanna play a game that I shouldn't win and then win anyway.


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[Assistant] Shit. I'd have to be able to veto some shit. I might say some shit I'm not cool with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six or seven years, I've been going to the Philippines for, for many years. Yeah. For what reason? I didn't go to find myself a wife. I went on vacation because it's an absolutely beautiful country. And whores are cheap. And the first thing you realize when you get off the plane is how great the people are. You're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have money, so it helps. But yeaah, they're super happy because they have friends and family. And they treat me nicely because I do have money. And which I take them away from their friends and family. There's relationships with people that they love. So in turn, they're very kind, they're very


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tomatoes upset me. Garlic. Onions and peppers. I don't like any of it. It makes me, it gives me, my hip hurts.


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[Assistant] How much do you weigh? That's none of your business. I told you I was fat. Oh, okay. We don't play that shit on my channel. You get your big fat ass on Saturday. I don't deal you big sassy ass broads. You think you can get out here and be like Danny's big ass. Go knock yourself out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be 5'3 and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A high value man. So you go ahead and go on back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from, you know, Chick-fil-A or Popeye's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like, uh, Vespa helps a lot though. It's a pretty cool thing to have with your kids.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to tell you now, you got some black pants on. Uh-huh, with a green shirt.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, Christina, I'mma pass my tongue in your ass. Megan, you too. Glover. Megan Glover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh-huh, I'm trying to tell you now Megan Glover, yeaah.


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[Assistant] How you doing, baby? See? Oh, good. I'm in love with that dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so beautiful, Christina. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever see people park like dicks? Like this guy? I just slap a QR code on their windshield, and then it takes them to this video. Hey you stupid bitch! This is an unacceptable parking job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you something. I think we are in a financial position now. We might be able to franchise McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's up there. It's, it's like, I mean, it's over a million dollars, but it's also like, you got a McDonald's N word. You know what I mean? Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe uhm, we have somebody uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you must have a minimum of $500,000 available in liquid assets and pay a $45,000 franchise fee. Hold on. You could expect to shell out between $1.3 and $2.3 million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you're kind of, I guess, uh, is that a investa- what is that investopedia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that kind of breaks down, oh wow, so really like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So McDonald's Corporation has 38,000 restaurants in 100 countries. Applicants, okay, scroll a little down a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's what we just saw. And then understanding the cost. You've been around for more than seven decades. However, all applicants are required. Alright, we got that. The cost of buying an existing franchise is based on the location's profitability, renovation needs, sales volume. Could be upwards of a million or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not a priority. They just like, it's down. It's always down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you suggesting to franchise McDonald's near the house?


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[Assistant] They're like, why is there McDonald's there? Because my house is right over there. I used to drive over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I don't think so. But I also love that that clip has, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ex-pres, it's so funny to say, ex-president Trump, um, uh, he's talking, he's like, many, many french fries. I know. And that's when he was hosting, I think, Clemson for winning the national championship. And he's like, we have all, we have fries, all the nuggets that they'd want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, what is grosser than cold fast food? Nothing. Cause that had to be.


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[Assistant] Purchased, brought over, gone through White House security protocol. And then the kitchen staff was like, oh, then we'll set, I mean, that's probably out there two hours before those guys got their hands on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the country of Ireland deemed it not bred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because of like the flour content to sugar ratio. Cause they wanted to put another tax on it being imported.


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[Assistant] This is a man suing the skittles. This is a crazy person sued skittles. Mars Company.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's, uh, that was the first part of his speech and then this is the rest of it right here. But like a town hall meetings are amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, next year, uh, election cycle will start right up again. This guy's got a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he can barbecue. He can definitely have a barbecue. And there would be like beers and whatever you want on tap. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, we always say that in stand-up, you know, it doesn't matter your own political position. Um, uh, a right-leaning crowd is definitely a better crowd to perform to. I know. You know, like I don't consider myself to be a right-leaning, politically, political individual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As an audience, they're more fun. They're going to laugh at stuff. You know, the left is going to be like.


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[Assistant] I've done them. I've done those crowds where I'm like, oh my god, I wanna fuckin' kill myself.


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[Assistant] If the audience came mostly from stand-up, some audiences, you can just tell, they're there from Netflix and stuff. They're gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different. If it's like a mostly podcast audience, it's gonna be a different crowd. Shits lit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I definitely, you know, I remember this sweet, sweet girl that I uhm, haha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went out with many, many years ago and, uh, you know, she had, she had, uh, given me a, uh, nice kisses. Yeah. And then she kissed my face afterwards. So it was kind of there, but it wasn't like here, taste this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm saying it wasn't like, done to like hear, taste this.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, there's gotta be girls out there that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or boys, whatever, that really enjoy the taste of it. I mean, it's definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I wanna try that. You know? I've never done it. I've tried my own, I've tried my own play.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, obviously I've seen it.


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[Assistant] It's officially the time of year we've all been waiting for, NFL season baby, and what better way to kick things off than with an exciting deal from DraftKings Sportsbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, DraftKings is giving all new customers $200 in free bets when they place any $5 or more wager on the football team of their choosing team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus, with same game parlays, you can combine multiple bets from the same game to give yourself a shot at even bigger winnings all season long. For those in a state where sports betting is not yet available, don't forget about DraftKings Daily Fantasy. They have been innovating even more ways to win some cash this football season. DraftKings has been around for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know your funds are safe and can be withdrawn whenever, wherever you want. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers can use promo code MOM and receive $200 in free bets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. Uh, he tagged me on Instagram. He did. Yeah, yeah. He said that me and somebody else were, he's like, I think it's so funny that these guys are using my clips to laugh at and blah. I don't know. He was, I think, fine with it. I will say this, looking at him right now, this guy looks very healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say this, I gotta pat ourselves on the back here for a second. The live show, YMH Live 8.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, if you missed it, you can go to ymhstudios.com slash rentals, uh, and get a seven day pass. Uhm, I wanna say, like, we, we always try to do this when we do the live shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We always try to raise the bar on what I call the value of the show. And so we just think about the whole show concept. Uhm, there's some people that have, I've realized that have the idea that the live shows are just a heavy segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, show, like we're just playing the craziest videos for two hours. The heavy segment is 20 minutes of the live show. That's it. The last 20 minutes is what we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had, dude we, we did like real production.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's fucking, you've probably seen that there's like a helicopter in this, there's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing, is that we always try to, uhm, make it a better show. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people, uh, got the show. I just want to say thank you to everybody. They're so fun to put on. Like the energy here on a live night is really, I mean, it's fun. It's like, you can feel it in the air. Everybody is on another level. Everybody's dialed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know we're going live. Live things can happen. Uh, the wrong video could be played on accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. It was amazing. Um, and then we had fucking Tim Dillon was here. I don't think there's a better podcast guest in the podcast universe than him. He really is unbelievable. And then Danny Brown debuted two fucking music videos, new songs. It was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was rad. Uhm, so anyway, super fun. Thank you guys for getting it. And uhm, yeaah, we should say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And immediately, I mean the next day after we did the live show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zola was for sure our child, uhm, and that like any married into the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, uh, and that like, I don't know, I guess they assumed that, um, we were trying to have an intervention for Chris Larson because he, you weren't there on the first day, you came the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got there, I went to my room, I hung out, I just chilled for a little bit, then I went to the gym, and when I left the gym I walked by the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I see all, everybody is at the pool bar and I'm like, where's Larson? And they go, look down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh, okay, uhm, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was saying how, how the first day I, uh, when I, when I went to the gym, we had got, the day we had gotten there, I walked by that pool to see, to see like what was going on and everybody was standing at the bar and I go, where's Larson? And they go, look down and you were in the, in the hot tub with just your face peeking out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you look like you were chilling in an opium den or something. And then, and then like, you know, it, uh, it got, it got, you got turned up, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's such a departure. It stands out more because work, Chris, is really put together. I mean, you're, you know, you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, on time, does a lot of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handles tasks in a timely manner and does a good job and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, socially you're, you're polite, but somewhat reserved, I would say, at work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know what was going on. I really was like, did you guys give him some perks? What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you guys know on Instagram, Chris puts out a monthly message. And it's usually just like, yeah, you know, it's hot outside, stay indoors, drink a lot of water, happy birthday to a couple of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I asked him to do, uh, an August shout out. So it's actually now it's last month, but, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, he, uh, he sent a message, I don't know, you gotta really listen, it's pretty loud there, but he does send a message out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think we were overdue for all of this. I think we were overdue for those drinks. Look at that background. I know, it's stunning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't fuck around like a bunch of pores. We really, like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, cause this dancing was like an hour before. Oh shit. And then, uh, I think it was Nadal, he's like, uh, hey Chris, what are you gonna get? And he goes, maybe I should look at the menu first? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in the pool, I was leaning over, it was like an infinity pool, so you go to the edge, and I was just leaning out, and I'm looking around, and I just see Chris like, like, walk into the, no one else in this area, and I see him kind of fall and get up, and he looks, everyone thinks he's like Lebowski, he's like the dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stumbling around, and he came back, and that time, he was actually fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I love it. It was so fun. I'm glad that we all went and we have to, we'll have to top it on the next one. We'll have to do another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just know what I like. You guys wanna see a video of uhm, any just eating a plate of bread?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incredible. Like bread, man. Yeah, I like bread too, but that's fucking unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but yeah, we also did the, uh, uh, uh, Temesco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and it was supposed to be like very cathartic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like I have heatstroke. You do not have heatstroke. It was heatstroke. It's not heatstroke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear people misuse heat stroke all the time. They're like, I don't know what was happening. I had heat strokes. Like, no, you didn't. You had heat exhaustion maybe a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I was, the heat part I actually really enjoyed. I kinda liked the guy except he never shut up. So I didn't feel like I could ever get to a place


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a break on some of the speech so that like it's, you know, you have a moment to pro- he just never stopped talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, and then when there was three minutes left, he goes, I'm going to stop talking for a moment so that you can maybe meditate and like, God, do this the fucking whole time, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted that. I wanted that, but no, that didn't happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think, I think, here's what I think. That's a lot. Keep going. Uh, I realize that I've been on this absolutely relentless tour. Yes. Um, that never ever ends and I haven't been to the dentist in like a year, which is a long time. I was pretty good, um, before about going always twice a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I call them like, oh hey, can I get into, I want to have a cleaning and a checkup and all that. And they're like, yeah. And they gave me a date like eight weeks out. What the fuck, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take a quick break, and we'll be back with a real gooey guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you guys are looking really similar to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like right now, the late, I saw him in some posts and he actually looks like, like with a, maybe he should cut his hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we made beautiful kids, that's for sure. I see some sort of mashup between you guys. We do make beautiful kids. Well, believe me, you just put that out there, there will be 45 memes next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, it's very funny, but can you pull up his Instagram? He says things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's promoting his day or whatever. This will be over. I would promote it, but it's passed by the time this airs. Uhm, but anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you can't really see what he looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and there, oh yeaah, that was in the still, so you can't really see it, but you, you know, I saw him, so then this one he posted the other day. That's a work! The, the, the, the, the, this one. And I'm like, dude, I was just at your house, I saw you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 24 hours before this photo, I go, this is a Photoshop. He's like, it's not. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm like, his face, I don't know, is it that his mouth is open? So it elongates his face? Uhm, and you can't see how round, you saw how round and hard that belly is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, I look, and so the reason I bring this up too, is that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he posts this, he goes, hey, Joe Rogan, when I hunt, I don't use a bow. I set traps. See who gets dealt with this sober October, Tom, Ari or Joe. And I was like, what? First of all, I just, I thought this was a Photoshop photo just because like I just, I had just seen his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he did tell me when I saw him, I saw him last week that he's lost 20, he's down 20 pounds from a few months ago and I was like, oh, that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just posed and I just said, Hey, your confidence is a trap. And then I just said, you know, I just did the same thing that he did. And then he, uh, I see your pose. I just shrugged. I said, right now you're in fourth place. I just, you know, it wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you scroll down, he left this comment that was like, it was filled with like 19, uh, puns. It was like, I have superior pectoral definitions. I'll pass right by you. I think you have a chance against Ari. I'm dying to see if Joe's, if Joe tries to post a peck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he were just at all disciplined and committed to not drinking like it's your fucking last week to live. Right, right, right. Just drink normally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, oh, oh, like showing everybody's and he's like, and then we got this extra one for the table. It's like, that's for you. It's for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if he cut that shit out, I actually do think he would be fucking jacked. He could be if he was like committed to it. I do think he could be. He could be under, well, could it be under 200 pounds? Could he? Under 200 pounds? I don't think you'd want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's probably more like in the two fifties. Wow. Yeah. So if he dropped 30 pounds, you look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you thought about though, realistically, are we going to do so for October? And if so, what's, what would the challenge? Cause we need a challenge and it can't be the same as before, right? We need a challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is he was like, we should have a bodybuilding challenge. Like, what are you talking about? Like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing is that like Joe also, Joe will be like, I don't have anything to lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a, uh, a, uh, that's a good one. Distance covered, like overall distance for the month. People will go nuts. We'll go nuts. Oh, distance. That's interesting. But Joe will also go into that. He'll go into that weird fucking door in his head. But that would be cool because you could do lots of walks. And he'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing though is that treadmills like is a hack. It's not, yeah, it's gotta be, it's gotta be like distance outdoors. Treadmills gay as fuck. That doesn't count.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I actually, that's why I'm bringing it up. I want to do it. I want to do it. I think it would be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would like to do like just a dead, like to me, this, this sounds kind of broad, but like an, I like an intense month of discipline. In other words, you know, I work out five days a week now and I eat pretty well, but like if you go like make it a month of like hardcore,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like just like a super, a super committed month of, of wellness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate it. But everything, you know, I remember is that when Bert and I, when Bert and I did the weight loss challenge, this is like five years ago, by the end of that challenge, like my skin changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so healthy by the end of the channel. I was only drinking water. I wasn't even having coffee. And it was just like this, you know, it's just like a yearly once a month reset where you just kind of feel so good. I would get into that, you know, but I don't know what the exact...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Bird Nights actually also there was an added benefit to like a super healthy month is that we shoot our sp- we both shoot in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like. Just to like, look okay. He just, he did the thing last week where he's done this forever, where he's like, I'm super healthy. I'm like, good, that's good. And he goes, I haven't drank in two weeks. I go two weeks and he goes, well, Saturday. But that was, I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's actually, somebody told me, do you know this, that you can, um, you can put a setting, it, no, within like, uh, Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually gives you, locks you out. Instagram and not the iPhone? I think Instagram. Maybe iPhone. But I know Instagram for sure you can put a setting that allows you a permitted time and doesn't allow you. I'd do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say, let's say we all downloaded that app that limits our usage and it gives you, let's say it gives you an hour a day. You can split it up as you want in the morning and the, whatever. You get your one hour. I'm just making up a number. But we agree to that. That's one component.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's one part of the challenge. There's also sober, you're sober. Sure, that's the hardest part. And then, would you do, what do you think, distance covered? Like, would you, like, there has to be some, something you can measure for one of us to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always a physical, we have to have a physical component.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's good at promotions. He's the best promoter. He really is like the marketing guy. He really is. Promo King, for sure. Everyone else, I mean, I'm just like, I'll be in Atlanta soon. He has like, he looks like he's a fucking film crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The yoga thing was like, yea, we all tied. Exactly. Here's why yoga though, here's the advantage, think about it in these terms. It's something that you don't have to be in home to do it. Yoga you can do on the road, right? You can find a place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so even if on your road, you're on the road, you could do it. So, maybe it is like another...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but maybe it's, it's going back. I mean, I would do yoga again. I know it's a repeat of it, but I thought that was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so we just need to, we need to figure it out. Alright, how about this, tonight we leave, you're gonna see our buddy, start the text right with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know who would lose for sure is Bart because he did those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the LA studio, he did those fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've traveled, you're one of the first people I think in our circle of friends that went to Hong Kong. Hong Kong is such a rad city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I go before you? I feel like you did. I feel like you were always in different parts of the world before any of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, uh, you also did the suit thing, right? Where you got, like, it's such a fun-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And he's fucking measuring you up. I love the experience. I love having a suit made. And there's a, we've been to different people there, but then there's a, there's this guy named Sam, Sam's tailor. And he like, he has a unique style. I don't know if you've seen this, but we just got, these are new ones in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fuckin', he does this. Look at this ass. Dude, he really does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's why I wanna go, I wanna plan a trip to Hong Kong just to see this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude on a travel show would be amazing. He'd be amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would fuckin' never stop. I would never like every boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, it's funny, we got this, um, this message, uh, this email. This is un fucking believable. Okay. We, uh, obviously are talking about G all the time. This is going to blow your mind. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I work at Nashville Airport detailing and cleaning airplanes. Mostly private jets. And one of our customers is Garth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garth usually never pays for an interior cleaning and is notoriously cheap. Because people are always making sure none of us have our phones on us or are taking pictures while we clean. Well, we were asked to hit a quote, quick stain on the lavatory carpet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, reference and emails? Okay. Dude, look at this. Look at the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I figured it was just coming from the toilet so I got on my knees to wipe down the bullet seat. I felt something wet and I looked down and there was a massive shit stain all over the carpet. Crazy part is we weren't even told it was shit in there and they wanted the interior cleaning for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was not told a word about the carpet, now I have Garth shit on my knees. I'm leaving this shit job in a month so I'm okay to share everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he clearly went to the bathroom though, right? He was, it's in the, so he went in there. It's a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he change? Maybe, maybe he took off his clothes to jack off and then, and then he's facing the toilet and then he was like, uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does, that thing was like a Ukraine, uh, fundraiser thing, where he was like, we support Ukraine, especially the refugees. We're just like, okay. And then he was like, we're going to ask you to dig in your pockets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of the few music artists that does regular press conferences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he does press conferences all the time. Because he'll do, like his shows are such events that they'll, he'll have a press conference and then the local media will be there and Garth, you know, how, tell us about this tour. Are you excited to be in Omaha or Baton Rouge? And then he tells this whole, Oh, I love it. Yo, it's one of my favorite cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And can you imagine having the audacity? So he won't come on this podcast? He won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The audacity to be like, hey, uh, give us a free cleaning on that too. Not like I'm mortified. That I shit all over. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm really rich and no problem. Please, please charge me whatever it costs to clean up the shit stain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious or what? Yeah, horrible or hilarious. Yeah. Ah, hilarious. Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, catch it steady. I think that one guy could be in, in some serious pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That reminds me, this just reminds me, like my immediate thought is like high school part, like that's how we used to do things in high school is we would just go to some, in Florida it's like someone's house or like orange groves and people would just line up and get drunk and then something stupid would happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this house, you guys gotta hire a better contractor. Oh my God. Oh, that would suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at him, he's fine. Was he in the car? Yeah, that was the driver. That was the driver. Of which one? Of the white car? Of the white car, the car that got hit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now here, I'll just, let's do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's out of shape. He doesn't race regularly. And then he fatigued and he hyper extended his knee and snapped backwards. Yeah. He's not doing well. Compare that to your... It's very comparable. He just wasn't off the ground. Except mine, mine just was just like, these just are going to tear right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she really, I think what the thing that this woman's message really is, is that she loves attention on her butthole. You know what I mean? That's the origin of this video. It's not to teach. It's like, I like my butt played with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During Pride only, one rainbow matters. That's why we have given up our rainbow to show support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the LGBTQ plus community, for every skills pride pack sold, we are donating one dollar to that hundred dollar limit. Oh wow. So fucking dumb. So dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, would you like to see a couple of, uh, Christina's very sometimes confusing and dark TikToks? We'll see what she was on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that is rad. And they're just getting in there and ripping it apart. All sharks' eyes roll back the moment before they bite, actually. Great whites, too. That's your only kind of chance for survival if a great white is attacking you, is the moment right before it bites you, its eyes roll back and you can bop it on its nose and go, not this time, sharky. What did you hear then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like this is, what it is, is that that page can best be summarized as here's reality in nature. This is not what you think it is. This is what actually goes on. This is what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you're trying to entice a lady, let's go on a date. I'd love to take you two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're going to lay down there and my legs are going to be spread wide open. You're going to have yourself a little treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, it wasn't that you were like walking through the woods and like something came out of no, no, I just saw one on the street and I was like, Hey, watch me pick this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Desolate area. He also, you could just have, he has the vibe of, I do this all the time. All the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or also I'm sure it is developing his upper body strength and mobility. Yeah. But it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to get around like this. That's why we were built this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the spoons are more disruptive. You'd be like hearing like, you know, spoon clanking. If somebody hits a plate with their fork three times, you're like, can you fucking pick that thing up, man? So like that shit, you would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite type of TikTok is a public message, uh, that is meant for one person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is Nick Hawk. He used to be a hoe on, um, Jiggalos, the Showtime show. And you could hire him to, to hoe out. And then now he's like this nature, natural smell guy. I bet he does not wear deodorant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he's prostituting anymore. Yeah. Prostituting is natural. It is natural. It sealed his job. It's a whole different vibe, whole different-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sobriety. Sobriety, of course. And the physical component is the one that everyone has to weigh in on. Whether it's distance covered for a month, it cannot be on a treadmill. It can't be on a treadmill. It has to be outdoor distance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so dumb, but I'm gonna ask Tony Hawk, why is it that long and lean skateboarders tend to be great at it? Like, okay, because I've seen, I've seen English Bulldog skateboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I just buy another mattress from Saatva? I sure did. For my kiddos. I just got them another mattress. Cause I love Saatva mattresses. S-A-A-T-V-A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made in the USA. There's no physical shop. So, uh, they don't have all the overhead that most regular places do. Outstanding mattress quality. That's really the primary reason. I like the product. I believe in the product. Uhm, all the mattresses. We have the Lumenleaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have the solaria that goes up and goes down. We have the luxury firm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is, this is what I'm saying, I feel like this is a good level of stubble, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will I vote for more than dots? I like this level of beard. How do you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that's the way the cookie and cram blows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rage is on. I am in Portland, Oregon at Revolution Hall. We have added a show March 31st. Rohnert Park, California, April 1st.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicago, at the Park West Theater, April 29th, April 30th, and Milk, Milk Jockey? BLEH! Just Conson, at the Turner Hall. May 13th, Charlestown, West Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets. Thank you everybody that's purchased my lipstick. I really do appreciate it. We are figuring out how to get it from Italy even faster. Keep selling out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think this would be a really neat marketing tool for you. It's not just I'm coming everywhere, but I literally come in every city. So just know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just think of how, do you remember when I was five months pregnant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the longest, most powerful fart of my life. Where? Cincinnati.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it became a landmark, that hotel. It became a beacon for people. People traveled, pilgrimaged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got his shoes off by the door. He's pretty conscientious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, okay, and also, it's kind of a clever trick. He's turning it around on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very clever move, sir. Uhm, you know, apropos our discussion of you jerking off in every hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what I started doing recently in my life? That is so stupid and I can't believe it took me 46 years to get on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Chase, my little baby feature act travels with eye masks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, al-Qaeda mask. One time when I was in Afghanistan, I saw them bring a POW one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know something, of all the gifts that I gave you for Christmas,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a feeling that would be your favorite. You either like a Rolex or the simplest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like $20 gift and you will carry that weighted eye mask with you. I know on this whole tour, probably cause you will cherish that thing. That is so sweet about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like they're a rich person's thing. So, but can I tell you what I do? Just listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A nice one? A sleep mask? A nice one? So I will only use the free ones given to me by the airlines as a way of keeping it real with myself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that weird? So that I go like, yeah, I wear an eye mask, but I'm not like a douche bag about it. You know what I mean? Like it's the free one. So I don't feel bad about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like to me, even spending $20 on a sleep mask seems outrageous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel, I feel like this is really an unnecessary purchase. Like, I don't feel like it's necessary, like toilet paper or something, so I flog myself. I'm not judging you for doing it. No, it is. Let me be clear. Let me be clear. I'm not judging myself. I mean, I'm not judging you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think cause I never knew anybody in my life that had a sleep mask except for your al-qaeda mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Do you want me to tell you what it is? I think you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And only very recently, I was embarrassed because we were on vacation and Agent Jeans was there and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your sister also has a terrible tramp stamp, and we're like, Agent Jeans, who's got a worse tramp stamp? Tom's sister, or me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, babe. What? Pleased you are hurting my feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it looks like a mermaid. But the point is, oh, oh, oh, and then Sean, our friend Sean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said, he goes, is that a- I thought it was the guy with the axe, the juggalo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look up the juggalo guy, and I thought that's pretty accurate. He's like, are you a juggalette?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, no, the hatchet man. It does look like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I thought it'd be really fun for the listeners. If you guys want to submit your awful tram stamp, we could have a contest and see if anyone's got a tram stamp worse than mine. Go ahead, take a picture of just the horrible tram stamp, send it into your mom's podcast at gmail.com and we'll have a little contest and see. Maybe the winner gets it removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he's a, what's that called? Sandbaggin? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of, I mean, let's not even put that out in the ethers, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm such good times. Love you. Good fun. Love you. I love you. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell them you love them. One of the most exciting things about a new year is that you have no idea what adventures are in store for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From new travel experiences to new jobs or picking up new skills, there's no better way to prepare for 2023 than by learning a new language with Babbel. Babbel is the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions. Thanks to Babbel's addictively fun and easy bite-sized language lessons, you can feel confident


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No matter where the new year takes you. What I love about Babbel, cause I'm learning Spanish on Babbel, is that you don't need hours and hours a day. You just do it for 10 minutes a day, easy peasy, lemon squeezy, and you're learning so fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus it comes with a 20 day money back guarantee. Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Right now get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babble.com slash mom for up to 55% off your subscription. Babble language for life. It is positive energy. Yeah, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what's so funny is that now I have a relationship with my, the Star Trek guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The original Starbucks guy. I just saw him again. And we're bros now. You guys are totally good friends. He has a great life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, it still looks good. Got a good look going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that funny? Life turns out. So you never know. That's what I'm saying. You could say I love you to somebody in a drive through and then end up having a nice friendship with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. So here's my new, my new would you rather, are you ready for it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is very interesting and it's very revealing. Would you rather?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weigh 400 pounds yourself or have your spouse weigh 400 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think I'm gonna say you can lose the 400 pounds. Because then that adds another layer to it. It's basically...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I trust myself to lose 400 pounds or do I charge you with losing 400 pounds? And I gotta say with this fitness kick you've been on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, but we asked your sister and she was like, ew, the other person. So it's interesting why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or is it more selfish to not want to take, to want, sorry, the other person to be the fatso? Meaning like, so you get to stay nice and pretty, but they have to be fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person who is, you know, taking the burden of the weight. It's interesting. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, are you saying you would rather take the 400 pounds or give the 400 pounds to someone else? That's really the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that to me is the real question. Who can, who's more capable of doing the work? That's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who can do it? Or who wants to do it? My god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do it. Cause you're bigger than me structurally. 400 pounds on me would just, I don't think I could even get up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I weighed, okay, and my heaviest when I delivered our baby, our first child, was 180. 180, dude. No, sorry, 208. I'm sorry, I weighed 208 when I delivered our first child. 208, and I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pre-diabetic. Uh, 208. And that was so hard to just walk around and walk. My knees hurt. I don't think I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you've, okay, but what if you have the spouse that doesn't want to lose the weight? And then you're stuck with it. That's the hard part is looking at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to an island off at a cruise ship, right? We're getting off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turks and Caicos, I'll never forget it. And we were at the beach, you know, in the shitty port beach and there was a fit guy and the wife was very fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then she'll, she'll die faster than you. That's not the reason, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying that my mind is more practical?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the final word. Well, I'm sure he's gonna give me a very favorable response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I, I question that. Where did he get his medical degrees from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it America? Puerto Rico? Where are we talking? Guatemala?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, whatever. Listen, my, my, the people who stand for me and in my position are, they're still going to be behind me. This election was rigged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's my, my thing, I love skateboarders, I love you guys, because I feel like comedians and skateboarders were street people, if you will. You craft your stuff, you cut your teeth, there's no way around it, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a lot of the skateboarders that I've known over the years, you watch these documentaries, and even like Bones Brigade, like early touring, you're like a kid when you start doing this shit. Like you're 13 or whatever touring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone else is getting fated and partying and hooking up, but you're like laser focus even at such a young age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And may I add too, so you're so young, you're touring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes courage to be like around cool guys like Jason Ellis probably partying and to be like, no guys, I'm gonna fucking go to bed at a decent hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're telling me that you win the contest, and instead of going to celebrate, you're like, I'm just getting back on the board. The guy that got second is Artie. The next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You partied though, you partied that night. Please tell me you had at least a celebratory something. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haven't you won contests with broken limbs? I feel like I've heard something. No. Okay, nevermind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. This is why I love skateboarders. Because it's the same psychotic way of thinking that a comedian is. First of all, who goes, I'm gonna be a stand-up comic. Or I'm gonna be a skateboarder. When you're like a kid on your driveway doing flip whatever the fuck you guys are doing. And then to be the guy that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do 900. I'm gonna be the first motherfucker. Like what did that feel like to be the first motherfucker to do 900? That's crazy. It felt great. No, but as you're doing it, but as you're doing it, are you like, cause how do you even, I always wonder like the first time you dip into the fucking bowl, how does that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not just doing the trick once, cause any, not anybody, but you can do the trick once, but repeating the trick. And the fact that you can repeat the trick and win stuff is crazy. It's like standup comedy where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you practice an hour for how, you know, a couple years, then you go to that, you got that one night to shoot this motherfucker and it goes on Netflix forever and you better fucking nail it. And that's where the big bucks come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, do you feel like, uh, because you've been injured so many times that you just don't, does the fear of injury, it's like bombing, and I'm assuming there's something to it where you're just like, I don't give a fuck bitch, like I bombed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this. You're this reckless, both of you are. And Jason, we already know your parents were fucking dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so dumb, but I'm gonna ask Tony Hawk. Why is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That long and lean skateboarders tend to be great at it. Like, okay, because I've seen, I've seen English Bulldogs skateboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since we just said this, can rollerblading be cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bro. Okay, so go ahead. You're not gonna, you're not gonna say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fuckin', it's the, the head is at the top right, and then the two paws are like, rawr, you're right about the rawr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like how it's, yea, it's, I've never even really looked at my own tramp stamp. To be honest, yea, it is for the best. That is depressing. It's dog shit, that dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also everybody's a mix of different things, right? Good and bad and stuff you're embarrassed about. It's good to just fucking be an example, put it out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were so much more aggressive. I feel like you've really calmed down and you seem so happy and so centered and like I'm, I'm like really happy for you. Cause you were just so, yea I felt your tension back then. You know and now you're like, oh you've got Tony with you. That's how we started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I pee in uhm, water bottles that are left over, like my kids weren't, like I've been trapped places where there's no toilet and I can't go anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so much fun with you. It was fun to see you stand up again through, uh, newer eyes. It was like, you were like, oh my god, this is how I'm like. But it felt good to see you get excited. You did great!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a character in an Asian language? Is that a letter in a language I don't know how to read? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, my question is, when I'm marrying her, is she already 400 pounds? Or after marriage, she gets to 400?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd have to, I don't know, like I'm okay with bigger girls too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like if I was at 400, like the fatter dudes get, like, they start losing ability to perform, you know, in the bedroom. Oh, sexually, yeah. That's true. So it's like, I could still do stuff at, you know, where I'm currently at, but if I got, like, another 200 pounds on me, it's like, I don't, I don't know how much more function I'm gonna have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I would say her. Her being 400.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say, as a wife, you, you scored in that I'm a, I'm a pig too. I literally do not see water on the sink or like the dish towels not folded, babe. Like I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Satva Mattress Company. Is there a mattress I love more than my Satva? There isn't. There isn't because I've slept on all of them. I have the Lumenleaf. I'm on the Solaire right now. I did the Luxury Firm. That's where I started with Satva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To sponsor your mom's house, just like a talk about this company. So, I want you to go to satva.com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, that will give you $200 off your next purchase of a Saatva mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sotva.com slash the shit gets you 200 bucks off your next Sotva purchase. Uh, they gave an in-home trial. If you don't like the mattress, they will take it back. Great in-home setup. They even will take away your old mattress for a nominal fee. Sotva.com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stoked to killing stuff. I didn't, I didn't realize how exciting it is to kill stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because back in the day when there were just channels 2, 4, 7, maybe 11, 13, that's all people know. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, um, Esso told me, he goes, yeah, it's called parasocial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a new type of relationship, a para-social relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I remember when I started listening to BBC and Al Jazeera when the Ukraine thing started, right? And it was literally like, Ukraine is being bombed by Putin. And next, Chelsea's soccer league has been sold. And you're like, really? It's that important?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, when they do soccer interviews, are they as boring as the American where they're just like, we tried, we tried, we got defeated, we did not win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never, I mean, never. Never, look what I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my personal stash, I brought this from the airport. Because I won't fucking drink that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't. It does. That's stripped. It's not purified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pro America, hard dicks, uh, beating the Russians, America's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because I like dicks. I'm a woman who likes dicks. I like masculine energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that there are people listening who don't even know that slur? Like, Jen's ears have never heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, cause I, Chase, you know, my little baby opening act, she does not know that word. I guarantee she doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catch rag? Like catching cum in the rag? That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're running a small business, every second counts and you can't afford to waste a single moment. So why, why are you still taking time out of your day to go to the post office when you could be using stamps.com instead? Stamps.com makes mailing and shipping quick, easy and cost effective. Stamps.com you save time, money and stress. I cannot


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even fathom going to the post office anymore because we've been using Stamps.com for like a decade. And they have UPS now on there, so what's the hangout guys? For more than 20 years Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. Stamps.com gives you access to all the post office and UPS shipping services.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you need right from your own computer and you get discounts you can't find anywhere else. Like up to 30% off USPS rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And 86% off UPS. Stop wasting time and start saving money when you use stamps.com to mail and ship. Sign up at stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they do. Did he do that again? Did he do fly by on the tower? And rattle that guy's cage with a coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he an instructor at Top Gun? Cause that's what he said he wanted to do at the end of the first film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why I like Kelly McGillis? That was the blonde, right, in the first? Okay, sure. May I tell you why I love her? Yeah. So they asked her in an interview if she was offended that she wasn't cast in the second film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, no, that would be horribly inappropriate. I'm old and fat now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that amazing to have that self awareness? Yeah, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My eyes look bad today. I'm still sick. They're all puffy. Yea, now they look worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not farther. I love how I'm like busting Nadav's balls on the one thing I know, which is the countries in the UK. Honestly, that's like the only thing I know because I lived in England for a year. It's the only reason I know it. Retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's just to get pussy. She wants to ruin this guy's life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, babe, my phone bills, dude, I can't pay it. But that's so evil that she's like, find out if he's got daddy issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's getting high level guys it sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what kind of guy falls for this? This is, remember cause we had a friend, we had a guy friend who was falling for that kind of stuff. Do you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. To me it always seemed like this is so much more work than just getting a job and paying your own bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. Not one lunch. She no packing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like why not just wife up some sweet nerd who's like, you know what I mean? Like then they could be nerds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotcha. Oh, so she's going for like the outliers, like the older guys.