[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He now has his twin goddesses how to hug clips. He put out how to hug. First of all, you know that you didn't see those two girls last time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're laying on their backs. I thought they were a couple of dogs, probably. They're way more attractive than us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that stupid commercial? God, I hate it. Where they like, like they make that shitty jewelry and they go like, Yes. Leave one side open so that your heart lets love in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well her tits are fake, huge fakers. Big fakers, yeaah. But I mean, she's pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is such fucking horse shit. Yeah, and first of all, anybody approaches you and hugs you like that? I mean, their hands on your hips? Are you out of your mind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, they're taking deep breaths together. Shouldn't they say this is how you should hug an intimate lover, not just a hug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay like this with someone for years? It's absurd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't take it. I just want to see how much more inappropriate it gets. That's the only thing I want to see. Cause this is not how you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember in high school that one kid, I won't say his name, every high school had that kid that hugged girls too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, was yours named John too? Uh, yeaah, it was like this kid who was always, you could always see him like, that dude's always hugging a chick. He was always giving shoulder rubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From a dude's perspective of a dude, I think it's always a guy just trying to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think for, for a girl, sometimes people are always looking for an identity. And it like, you can be the identity of the meaningful spiritual. I got a lot of love to give. I have a lot of love to receive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it becomes a lane, a personality lane. Like, that's who I am. And that's my thing. And then sometimes you see that person and maybe it does kind of affect your day. You know, it could be, I think from a woman it could be positive. Like, like I've met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An NRE? No, you're in a particular relationship that you, it's unspoken, but it's understood when you go there. See, and what happens is when someone gets real sincere, they're kind of breaking the protocol of that dynamic. You're there to be basically taken care of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person's supposed to not be like, your, technically your friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're taking care of you. So they become really sincere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts to break down the wall of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, are you the person taking care of you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to say things like, are you having a wonderful day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. It's so uncomfortable. Yeaah it is. It is. I'm not into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greeting people and saying bye. I just don't like the super intimate hug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% this dude is not hugging from the heart. He's hugging from his hips right now. His boner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a big tit hug like that from her, like you're not noticing those big tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, swinging his hair over his daughter's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's always looking for an opening in a girl, like for the girls that are like that. Like he's like, I'm totally into hugs. Super vulnerable. I'm totally into...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like the soul, and then that girl's like, oh really? That's awesome. Yeah. You should come do this. And then he's making the next video. So I'm fingering these two girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, last night we're in bed and we just want to like chill out, watch something, you know, kind of easy, not too involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really turned a corner with, with the level of movie with this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom Cruise is in Jack Reacher 2, and we saw Jack Reacher 1, I think in theaters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's your, it's your like, no, not at all, it's a good...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, semi-big budget we'll say, cause the budgets get so crazy now, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jack Reach-Around, which, uh, this one I should point out is called Jack Reach-Around 2, I'm reaching back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in this one, see in the first one he gives front reach arounds, and in this, in Jack Reacher 2 he reaches back and he jacks off guys behind him. Which is like the big turn on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's so bad on so many levels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The story is terrible. There's terrible writing, terrible directing. The actors, you know what it seemed like? Cause it's a Tom Cruise production and I know he had something a few years ago where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, him and Seminar Redstone and Paramount got in this whole thing and he got this whole, you know, this, this whole, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, back and forth of, we're not gonna produce Tom Cruise movies anymore. It's like all in the Scientology craze. Anyways, so you see during the opening clips that uhm, that it says, you know, a Tom Cruise production. And when you're watching this movie, you can't help but notice like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like they said, hey, if we want to get these, uh, this list of actors, it's gonna add a million dollars to the bottom line. And then Tom Cruise was like, hey, what if we, uhm, spent thirty thousand dollars on actors? It's like, so many bad actors in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see low budget actors. This movie is full of those, like bad actors. The writing, there's, like there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, nothing is plausible, nothing's believable, nothing makes sense when he confronts a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like, I'm sorry, spoiler alert, we're gonna ruin the fucking piece of shit movie for you. But for instance, you know, he confronts his friend's attorney that's been hired. And he's like, you know, do you even give a shit, whatever, uh, meet me there tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this one part where he, so one of the, uh, captains, let's say, is bad in the army. They go to his house, and they're like, give us...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give us that file. And the guy has it in his trash can on his laptop. So Tom Cruise puts them in a, like in a grip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, give us the code. And the guy's like, ah, 10-7-2. And then they type in 10-7-2 and it's correct. And they're like, thanks. And they leave. Like there's no, those scenes are supposed to be like, you know, a dramatic buildup and then guy's supposed to resist. And that's how you build the tension of like, oh, what's going to happen here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One hour into the film where you're like, I'm gonna fucking blow my brains out at how bad this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 90 minutes tops. You know, usually a little under that because they're like, we're just giving you fluffier. They make a two hour turd. Jack Reacher reaching for turd because it's such a shit fucking po- I mean, I want to see if this trailer is as bad as the movie is. Trailers can be very misleading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be fair, he might jerk off in the second hour of the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I should do that. I think you should watch it. I think you should. The goons that they hired, they're wearing sunglasses. Yeaah, the bad guys. It's really bad man. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that exchange right there was, thanks for tipping us off when you come into DC. It's like, that's their first time speaking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, okay, he tipped off, but he's not in the army, he just, he knew about a crooked sheriff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. They set that up. Thanks for coming to DC. Uhm, 48 hours later, he's like there, she's been arrested, and he's like, I gotta get her out. He's never even met her before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that he's old as fuck. He looks it. He's 54. Uhm, in the film, there's one scene where they're fugitives, and the guy's like, male, uh, Caucasian male, 40s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely, he's like, just put that in the, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Really? She had like a lot of work done there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excellent. Love those movies. Two came out in 2000. Three came out in 2006.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 4 came out in 2011, 5 came out in 2015, and 6 is coming out in 2018.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far though, the trailer's way better than the film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the trailer's good. Here's the other thing. The pacing. Action needs pacing. The scenes have no pacing to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he goes, edited the film. Directed and edited this film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm waiting for those rear reach around scenes. Yeah, when does that start? I heard in this movie he reaches between his legs, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'll be good. I can't wait. That first one was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, somebody else submitted that they got voicemails, like their own Salome calls? No. Yeah. They said they'd been getting voicemails at work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much like Salome, uhm, this lady is convinced that she left a certain person this voicemail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've, you got it talking to, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You heard that message, don't think you didn't fucking hear that message. And he's like, I didn't hear any message. I'll tell y'all if I can take you to the cleaners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cleaners. Well that accent. No more Solomay calls though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, as far as uhm, you know we were looking for boring things, boring clips, uh, we found out that the, uh, those engineer clips are fake, that they're like an inside joke among engineers, but here's an act, someone was kind enough to send us a truly boring clip that's not a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good stuff. Uhm, let me, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mentioned earlier my tour is beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where am I this week? I'm in uh, Milwaukee, Madison, Mini Appletits. Uh, I believe there's like a hundred tickets left from Milwaukee at the time of this recording. Madison is sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All three mini apple tits tech shows are sold out. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few days later, next Wednesday after, I'll be at Yukon. I don't know if it's open to the public, it might only be for students. But I'll be there. Stores. Connecticut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exciting stuff. Uhm, the tour rages on, so please go to TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of places coming up, Long Island, Strong Island, Montclair, Atlantic City, uhm, I go to Chicago, we added a show there, Boston, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Mashen, Tuckett, uh, San Jose, Burlington, Vermont,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On and on and on, Seattle, Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all happening. Please go to TomSakura.com slash Tor, and of course, February 12th, we're doing the podcast, Your Mom's House, live in Irvine. 7pm sold out. We added a 9pm show. We'll do a new show with the great Yoshi Obayashi at 9. Irvine Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's very true. Very true. Uh, email says, Tommy, is mommy Tina kidding? Did she hit her head? I have a Bulgarian daughter-in-law. Not sure what they do to those poor Eastern block kids. She is sweet, but best personality? Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can include best personality champ to water and weight loss champ. Thanks, Jeans.


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[Assistant] And then Nerf Dude wrote, Making a list of your husband's verbal trespasses is not the action of a personality queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have not. I wonder if it's possible. Had my first DoublePy classic on Xmas Eve. Congratulations. So excited I couldn't find words. Thanks for all the important discussions. Let's go Waterchamp James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's such nonsense that they want to be rewarded or credited for something. Why is that Tom? I mean a sneeze, you know, it's a natural occurrence happens quite often and the fact that, you know, pressure is being pushed out, it's, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quite common that you would sneeze and fart at the same time. The fact that we're gonna act like that's something to be celebrated. It's, it's absurd. It's like.


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[Assistant] It's so rare, it's like, it's, it doesn't make sense. Usually that air chooses one canal, when it splits in two, I mean that really is a magical, it's like a triple rainbow. It's like seeing orcas come up and feed at the sunset. It's a, it's one of like nature's, you know, amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a moose going down. Exactly. You know, and, and people go their entire lives without them. That's true. Sneezing and farting. I mean, a couple of times a week you probably do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've done it dozens and dozens of times. Yeah, it's not special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you're a big football fan, we got some Eli Manning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot. Yeah, it's good. But you know, you've always made that distinction that you know and you know what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally get you. Uhm, are you ready for, uh, oh, this is fantastic. This came in. This kid records himself talking to his dad about eating ass. And his dad is so not on board. His dad is like, that's fucking nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like a 66 year old man. You realize that? You guys have the same outlook on it.


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[Assistant] I feel like I got beat with a pipe. I think it's from drinking three days ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you ready for some more Hi Mommies? Yes! Thanks, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people I noticed are doing that though. You say it like you own it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys for jeansing up with us. It was a lot of fun. We'll see you in a week!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says here. But there's, it's water. It's just soda water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's just say, uhm, I knew something didn't feel right down there. You know, in the crotchety, crotchety, crotchal, crotchal area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this sound sounded like a, it sounded like a fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fart. A fart. Sound was coming from my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went into my mom's bedroom and I uh, I tried to explain to her that uh, after I pee, that there's a sound that comes out of my deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she asked, like, what kind of sounds, and I'm like, well, it kind of... What kind of sounds like a fart, mom? Geez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jo Nemeth lives off the fruits of her own labour. In fact, it's been one year since she has earned or spent a cent, choosing to live without money to lower her impact on the environment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I hear her again? I asked him. I asked him, will you ever date your mom? That's so weird. He wants to know why he calls me mom, you know what I mean? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I asked him, will you ever date your mom? My May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate you so much right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Order, the honourable member for, uh, Saanich Golf Island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay pups, we've had a bit of a rest. Time now for some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay pups, we've had a bit of a rest. See, but it's so hard. We've had a bit of a rest. Training. What's involved in human pup place at first seems really simple because, you know, most people think you just get waddling around and going woof woof and bark bark. But it's really so much more complicated. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then, who sent that, his seeker? That belongs to somebody in the room. Well done, pup. See? You knew it was mine. Well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was petting the human puppy in the latex costume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bad back. A bad back. I got a bad bite. I got a bad bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's disgusting. John suckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I promise you, I was like, that looks so good. It was like fresh like greens and boiled chicken and beef and it was seared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was seared like tenderly and it was just perfection and I was like, that looks like the best food, looks better than my food, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I ordered a salmon rice. Before you judge me, look at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it tastes a little bit like a house cleaner kind of thing. I don't know what these dog food, but chip liked it and it looked good, but I don't think it's consumable, consumable for humans. And, um, they should have wrote that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello Joe, my name is Dan Pena. I'm still for Immortable Force at 61225. And if you think that I'm almost dead, and I'm not going to be alive anymore,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask this bear that I killed with a fucking knife not too long ago. I'm still a very tough fucking guy. At 71 I take no bullshit in person or on the fucking YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not dead and I'm plenty alive and I don't give a fuck what anybody says about me. I rip people's head off and shit down their necks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And from one tough guy to another tough guy, don't be afraid, don't be scared to use my stuff on your podcast. It's all fucking free. You asked me, why do you give it away free, Dan? I give it away free to take the last fucking excuse away from the sorry cunts, why they can't fulfill their dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm calling you out, Joe. You think you're a tough guy. You haven't met me. I'm the 50 billion dollar man and this is my lair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right. Because this penis is prehensile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No. You want to tell him? Yeah. Shit, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Chad and I'm just glassing. Spark one up and pass it around cause I want to kiss the sky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to be honest with you. Christina is the water champion, but Tommy is the posture champion. Look at those shoulders. Good job, Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to TomSegura.com and click on the store. I get some of the new shit. dj.sandmouth, the water champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just glassing, all that shit is fire dog. I can't believe what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is wrong with him? He plans to pee badly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast dot com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And shop through the Amazon banner. Every time you buy some shit, you are helping the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh yeaah. Go to the thousand ranch dot com and get tickets to see Christina perform live. She bring balls of her tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Hitler, do you like YouTube? What? Hey Hitler, do you like Loot YouTube? I love stamps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that you thread it too much? Well, that's kinda how we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is upsetting for her though to not have your own brown identity. I don't think that that's fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, if you haven't figured it out, the song Mushy Purples by MC Fluid Bond and DJ Glass Gender from Nashville. Mushy Purples, big hit. Big hit. Big people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personally, I'm a big mushy purple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we, uhm, why don't we get it going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ready to get those purples going? Yeah, man. Let's, uh, oh shit, the fucking shittletater, did I send myself that thing? Shit, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know if they're Filipino or if they are all, uhm, it seemed kinda Latin to me, it didn't seem Filipino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, they're talking about a really, uh, famous guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his name, uh, I have it here in the cheat sheet somewhere, hold on. This guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you, uhm, I'm sure you've seen it. If you've used a computer any time in the last, uh, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had a branded virus, right? Anti-virus thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then your body does something on a hammock in that it's naturally designed to poop better because of the hanging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So that's exactly kind of the ideal way to shit, is that your body weighs pushing down. Let me think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying that- After the steakhouse at Fleming's, you're- This is, uh, not Swiss dumps. Right? That's the distinction you're making, that if it were a nice first world country, this would be a flavorful thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess, I mean, if somebody wanted, you know, to hire you to do that, I don't, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he's in Belize, I'm sure he was just like, do you want a hundred bucks? A hundred? A hundred bucks, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think the reason he would do that is that so it's undeniable. Cause a hundred bucks is nothing to him. Sure. So yea, he'd probably be like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't worry about it. Just keep coming over here and shitting over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After our show, I think our show helped me understand the fart fetish more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally get it. Shit in your mouth is such another level for me. Why? Well, it's so disgusting. Gee, Tom, why don't you open up? It's not even disgusting on a subjective level. You know, it's such a health hazard. It's something that can make you so unbelievably sick. It's so goddamn repulsive. Square.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one looks like, see, this was after he ate a bad shit. Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not, I have to take a bad shit. This is, I ate someone's shit and I don't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His uh, his Belize compound where he lived before he snuck out of the country to avoid talking to police about a murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says he lived with a harem of young women, from nine to a dozen, some of which he said were presented to him as sixteen year old prostitutes. Oh my god. Yeah. Not the coolest guy that we've talked about. Feeding them, uh, fiber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got shit yet? I'm taking shit. So we should catch people up. Obviously, uhm, last week I was here and I was telling you that I hope I- Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am the weight loss champion of the entire world. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, last week, Monday,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was tough episode to get through because I was in the middle of that weight cut. I remember I was like staring at water. I was like, uh, brutal. Weight cutting is brutal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny, Jeff Tate said it best when it was about water consumption. He goes, you're not just winning the water drinking battles, you're running up the score. And I was like, what a, what an appropriate thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the dumbest thing you've said yet. And this one's gonna hurt your feelings. You brought this up last night. I don't know why you brought it up, but you were trying to talk about which of us has a better personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, and I know, I couldn't tell if you were joking or what was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's so silly. I mean, I can take into account some of the jokes, you know, even though it's clearly night and day with this water stuff that I'm a bigger consumer, when it comes to personality champions,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody that knows the two of us is around you like, you know, like, oh, like- People love me!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one would have you on their list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you met that couple that they would all be like, that guy was great. He was so much fun. He just brought a certain level. He had such a dynamic personality and he was so fun just to have a, he was charming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they would say like, oh, he brought that dud with him. But, uh, but I guess, you know, I don't know. Maybe he's doing a favor or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're one of those people though. You're one of those people who's like, I'm not good with people. I like animals. Which is fine. It's fine. I think the animals appreciate it. They need you. But human beings feel like you're cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, much more. Who said that about me? Much more kind of a downtrodden, weathered personality. Yea, and definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna get bombarded with like, it's gonna be all chicks that go, I just wanna say I saw that episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are right, I do, and uhm, I also thought about that I would do, at some point I think I'm gonna do, uh, a, an episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of your mom's house, I got an extra episode just dedicated to weight loss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just talk all about everything. I'll give you the quick summary of the left, just so people know all about the wager and everything. You know, we touched on it. I don't know if you watched Joe Rogan, uh, last week on Monday and Tuesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's people, cause a few people have misinterpreted the bet just so they know what the bet was. Cause I've even seen some people go, well, technically, no, no, no, you don't know what the wager was. The wager was this. It was not a percentage of body weight. It was not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who started where and ended up where. It was a straight up who weighs less by the date. That's it. So for everybody's like, well, what if the BMI or what if the, we had a, he and I had a straight up who could lose more weight bet. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's first. Secondly, as far as the starting weights when the bet was sealed, like when the handshake was made, over the phone, he claimed to be 240. And then I said I was 242.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was November, early November. See, I started losing weight in August, and he said he was 240 when we started the bet. A week afterwards, he told me he was 250. Okay, meaning he's weighs more than what he claimed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, when I said I was 242, I was maybe 244. So I was in the range. He said he was 250. When we did Rogan, he goes, I was 256. So he added another six pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a birdism, because here's why. The 256 is what he weighed on Thanksgiving after he binged, ate, and drank. So it was an inflated number. In other words, he's giving himself too much credit for having lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we both, because our side bet was this. Well, here's the other thing. I hated that. The bet was made with Ari, Ari Schafer, uh, the comedian. Who...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His whole thing was he wanted us to get out of obesity on the BMI scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if you listen to the podcast where the bet was made, there is height is brought into it and height has an effect on your BMI. This is what people don't know. This is where the discrepancy and all the bickering came afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to be out of obesity and simply overweight according to the BMI scale, and you're 6'1", you are, uh, I think you have to weight 227, okay? So the whole thing was like, get to 227. Bert and I had a side bet of whoever got lower wins not only that, the bet,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also the loser would have to shave their beard. So that was our side bet. So that's why we kept trying to go below that. After the bet was initially made, I got a call from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we started to go over this bet and he goes, well, you know, height wise, if there's a discrepancy between the two of you, um, you know, then he might be able to, he might be able to weigh more than you. And I told him, I'm not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the part that people don't know. And so for people that go like, well, what do you mean? I told him, I go, dude, I'm doing a straight up weight loss challenge with Burt. Like that's what I'm agreeing to. And we had a conversation, which he did agree to. And I said, just tell me what the goal weight is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going further in this thing, we then weighed in on day one. On day one of the weigh-in, Burt was 221 and I was 219. So we absolutely smashed the goal weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got to Rogue and he goes uhm, first he goes, I'm running there. From his house. Which was like 13 miles. Turned out he took an Uber to the corner and then just jogged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, ah, I got this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought maybe Burt doesn't know to avoid fluid. Yeah. So I thought he was going to down a cup of water, which I was so excited about on day one. I was watching him. He was chewing ice and spitting it out and like chewing some of it, sucking on it because he was dehydrated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I go, what do you think you weigh? He's like, I think 227. Like, he thought he was at the goal weight. And I was, he was like, I think I'm shaving my beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, okay. And I looked at him and I knew, you know, he looked like he was thinner than he had been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After that Ari Schaefer call about the uh, the goal weight thing, I immediately called Burt, which he would attest to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we're waiting, I really do think Burt must be like 225.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We legit were down, both of us were down below the 227.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd already won the general bet. This was all about getting lower. So, I talked to a, uhm, a fighter, uh, Jake Smith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm saying that came from months of eating keto and doing a lot of cardio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just wanted to win. So, uh, my buddy, this guy hit me up, we were talking and he tells me about the week of, so actually my, my real cut started, my cut started in Orlando because he told me that, I'll just tell you what he said. He said the week before,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to start drinking nothing but distilled water. This is to ensure the body gets into flushing mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, drinking lots of water early on, the body will down-regulate aldosterone, a hormone that acts to conserve sodium and secrete potassium. And when you suddenly reduce the amount that you drink in the middle of the week, your body will still be in flushing mode. You piss a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So some fighters like to reduce the water after Tuesday to three quarters, Wednesday half gallon, whatever. He goes, I personally don't do that, it's up to you. Here's how he does it. Sunday two gallons, Monday one gallon, Tuesday one gallon, Wednesday one gallon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thursday, one gallon and then you stop drinking exactly 24 hours before you weigh in. Friday, no water until after you weigh in. So all I did was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Water wise, I did a modified version of what he told me to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I did two gallons on Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was more dramatic. So what I did was, I did all those things with water, I mean I was still eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another thing I learned and not even from him. I was just reading about this. A lot of people get to that sweating and then you shower. Obviously they go home and take a shower now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I read was that some people, if you're in a sweating mode and you jump in the shower, your body reabsorbs water because your pores are open. So what you're supposed to do is towel off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Between your sweats, keep toweling off, not shower until after weigh-in. So I did that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is also no shit. The, uh, so, so day one was, you know, we weighed in, I'm 219.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By that morning or no? I don't know, I remember that I left the house, uh, well I remember this, Monday morning I wake up and I think I'm, I'm like too...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 21? Yea, 221 was my- before I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, get to weigh in, and I actually, I think I ate too much and I didn't eat that much, but I did have a whole egg. Right. And I think I have something mixed in with it. Just because, I mean, I was hungry. You're crazy, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm like, I think I ate too much, but I'm like, okay, uh, I go sweat anyways. When I weigh in, I'm 2 19. So which means that I'm two pounds less than when I woke up. It's not that dramatic, you know, then the next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then when we get home from weigh-ins, we do the podcast last week and now I'm like really trying to cut water until the next morning, right? So I have very, very little between leaving Joe's, getting here and the next day. Misery, misery, misery. And I do a two and a half mile trek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Towel off, no water, and then the next morning,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The night before, and the morning of was the hardest part, but, so the night before you fall asleep, you're like, thank God. We get up at 6.30, I know we have an 11.30 weigh-in, so the first thing I say to you is, five hours. I got five hours. Oh my God, horrible. And then we're downstairs, we're doing breakfast with a little E-Man, and then I look at 7.30, I'm like, I got four hours. By the time it's 8.30, I was like, I know I need to get ready to get going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I know to do it more, like, to push it harder the second day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I know to like stay in a little longer and I know to do it for longer. So I do that the second day I did it for longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess, I guess so, yeah, I just, I, the thing was I was consuming so little food the last 72 hours that I don't think that there was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next day, when I went in again, I was 216, which means I lost an additional 3 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bart was 220, so he lost one pound. So it was, it was, you know, it was over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started to drink fluid there, right? And so the first thing we did was drink these, uh, CO2, I forget what it's called, um, coconut water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? The calm water. Yeah, they're big, man. They're like 27 ounces or something. So we're so dehydrated. Down it. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he has 16.9 oz bottles of water. Which is like, you know, like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I drink 6, 16.9 ounce bottles of water. Oh my god. Six of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it felt, I was so dehydrated that it felt completely normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of the coconut, the big 20 some ounce bottles of thing. And somebody texted me, I don't even know if it's correct, but let me see, uh, how many ounces are in a gallon? Um, it might be it's 128.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 128 gallons, 128 ounces are in a gallon. So, cause somebody pointed this out to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, you just casually drank a gallon of fluid. That's how dehydrated I was. Oh, the whole thing is that I was, I drank that amount and didn't go pee. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both said that to each other though, like I would never ever do that. Then I got to shave Burt's beard. That was funny. That was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look it up on YouTube, it's really, we laugh so hard looking at each other through it, but just type in Tom Segura Shaves Bird's Beard. It's a good time. It's really fun, man. So anyways, I'm gonna do a special weight loss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, podcast at some point here and I'll put it up. It'll just be an extra episode and, um, I'll get into detail about the whole, the whole journey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in workout gear right now because I'm gonna go from the podcast to go workout. Good for you, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay. So, and many thanks to Jo. Oh, and then the bet, the bet afterwards. So here's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The discrepancy became about the BMI, because we were supposed to get out of obesity and into overweight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Ari's like, yeah, but I want to know your height now because so now he's going back to the original and I go, yeah, but you agreed to the 227 goal weight. He's like, he has, he has like amnesia, right? So now he's like, no, no, no, no, I want to know your height. So we measure my height.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without shoes, obviously. Uhm, and I'm just under six feet. So technically, I'm five, eleven, and like eight feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 511.85. So, but I'm closer to six feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I am the 511. Most of the online BMI things were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had to pick an inch, you know, like a round number. So if you did 511.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not in the correct, whatever, BMI for it. If you did six feet, you're giving me too much credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, yeah, but you got, so anyways, somebody found one that had 511.5, which I'm taller than. Turns out I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the correct way to win, but only on day two, not on day one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said that he wasn't gonna pay. Uhm, he got bombarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Joe then was like saying that he wanted to, uh, you know, send us, you know, some


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be, to be fair to Ari, a couple days later, I don't know if it's because he got so much hatred or he just had a moment, he wrote this really sweet email to Bertrand and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the truth is that, you know, I think we both did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of the, the weight, the, the stakes. You know what I mean? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was just a icing on the cake. Right. That there was some payoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't do it because we wanted to go to a fucking game. We did it because we wanted to do it.


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[Assistant] And to be clear, the three of us were all of means to deal with the repercussions if we didn't do it. So it's not like talking to like somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's over. I'm back to being normal. And by normal I just mean not cutting water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, so we'll have to do a waffle date again, but we did go and uhm, we had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, some sweets. You know, I gotta tell you though, the fantasy of them was better than actually the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I know the mainstream media was like totally distorting. Distorting what's happening to you. I mean I haven't been emailing any of these people. Right. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I mean, he could have been more competitive, but he, I was already ahead of him. So I was, you know, he, he was starting at a disadvantage. So for him to make up and then beat me, he would have had to drop, you know, I mean, it's possible. Cause you were so far ahead with the switch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually just, he says he ran eight miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I found out that he run walks, let's not give him too much-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He covered it, but what he would do is, he would post it like, I just covered it. He goes, I would get up in the morning. I mean, he still would deserve credit for the work, but he would get up, go in the, in the, um, his man cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that for the day it's paused. He would go about his day, maybe go to a meeting, whatever, take the girls somewhere, come home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five miles. Hilarious. Hit pause. So now it's logged eight miles. Sure, sure, sure. Then he might walk, he said, like three or four miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, where are you? Because he was late and he goes, I'm on like, you know, on the street. And I go, you're, you jogged here for real. He's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then as I walk out with Jamie, we look and he's like, like waving at us with his tracksuit on. And, uh, and then Jamie's like, he took an Uber. And I go, did you just take an Uber? And he's like, yeah, but drop me off around there. So he jogged like the last hundred yards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was just looking at a photo of him that was posted a while ago and he does look like half the guy now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a submission for a more- You didn't even hear that. Babe, it's, it's- God! You have to understand, like, you're gonna get your feelings hurt so badly on this. I actually feel bad. I actually would- I might have to, like, wink at a few people and be like, say excuse me, fun. No one thinks you're more fun. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this is a, uh, a super, super dad boner. Who, he doesn't get quite as excited as our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was cool as fuck though. It's a good, good, good, good moment, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. So look, it's obvious the thing that's been taken over the world by Storm has been, hi mommy, thanks jeans, and last week in particular,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We say hi mommy and we say thanks jeans. And it has, you added glass into it and other people, it has taken on, it's exploded. We had to, Blue Band had to send selects because we had over 50 some submissions of people doing this and it would just be an entire show of us playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here is a, here's one that I saw that is absolutely, I think this is a masterful one. Hold on, let me pull this up. These are, these get, they've gotten better and better every week. Let's see where this goes. I have farts. Hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the way he runs through it fast. Cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff. Yeah, that was great. That's uh, that's ultimate dad, uh, Garth Brooks. Oh, so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, they've ca- they've poured in, uhm, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have the metric system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you did all that work and then no one's here to acknowledge you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, oh, it took a little bit of work. It was like... I don't know, how do you coach someone into that? Yea, you don't just say, you gotta take a shit? It's like, would you do something...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cox hard. And uh, I've heard it's a really great club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be there. Uhm, my tour is, uh, it's really taken off. Thank you to everybody that got tickets in advance. I know that, uhm, a bunch of places are already sold out. I believe New Orleans, Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be in, uh, Clearfarter, Florida, Tallahassee. Uhm, I think there's still some tickets left for Tallahassee, but the rest are gonna be gone, man. Uhm, Minneapolis, there's only a couple tickets left, I have three shows there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shows are sold out. We added a third show at the Vic Theater. So that's gonna be the next day. The 19th of March, I think, is the date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's on sale now, it just got added. Boston, the two first shows sold out, so there's a third show on sale there at the Wilbur. Uhm, they're all at TomSegura.com slash Tor jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is funny, uhm, the, uh, you know, the male or the dad accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a guy in a documentary that gets a mail order bride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't speak with that accent, right? What? Yeah, he's just a regular. He did welcome to America like that. A lot of us have experienced this with our own dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, if you have an American dad and he tries to connect with somebody from another place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, also that he's not Irish, but the cheat sheet said Irish. You gotta blame Blue Band on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think of me speaking another language, and I always think I responded better just hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They speak however the language is to be spoken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you know that it's off, like you know that it's not correct. So part of you is like, well I wish, I wish I was hearing how to say it correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, they're like, they have to talk, like, point out why he's being retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like the saddest dudes. And they would go to these meetups and then they're like, I like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the worst, you know, this is how bad it is. Some of those women were in dire, just like, bad situations, and the guy was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So unfuckable and such a desperate sad person that the women would go like, nah, I'll stay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some of them were in bad, they showed them in these like living in horrible, tiny apartment with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 people and they go, you know, this is my only chance out and then they would meet fucking Sam, you know, from-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No hundred bucks. You gonna take a shit? Yeah, I gotta take a poop, yeah. Do it in the hammock. Are you sure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be down there. I'm gonna be fixing some stuff underneath it. I gotta fix it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they said fecal sex and they go, did you ever have intercourse? And he goes, they go, no, never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but even like, when that hits here, your nose is right there. Ah, a fresh turd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem that I think you're having right now is that your personality is not allowing you to enjoy this moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how many girls did it? I mean, they got three on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you have the option, I'm gonna shit on your lap, or puke on your lap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, horrible or hilarious? You wanna see it? Let's see what you think. So this is a, I guess the middle of a meeting is taking place. Is there some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what they did was, they, it's a Japanese prank show. So they set this guy up to go to a meeting and then they make it look like a sniper across the, whatever, the way across from the building shoots the three other people in the room to terrify the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't really like hyperventilating laughing, but I certainly had a couple of chuckles. You have to watch that at length because you can really see them panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, I mean, the one I watched last night, they, uh, they, I watched them solve it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, then you picture being the detective and you go, how would I solve this? But then you go, oh, but I want the guy to get away with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a really good, uh, uh, it was a good murder case where they solved it. The dummy wrote his name, uh, on her chalkboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, oh, you know what? I did. That's right. I was in there. And then, and then he was like, just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you ask me to turn everything down, and you're getting worse with it, it used to be fun, and you used to go, hey, I like when you're listening to the TV, watch TV, and I'd be like, great, I'll watch a show. Now, every two minutes you go, can you turn it down a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, okay. And then I turn it down, it's like volume, single digit, it's on seven. Can you turn it down a little more? And I go, okay, I can barely hear it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to sleep and I can't say it's too loud. I go, alright. I keep turning it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why'd you guys do this? We didn't practice so good, and then I didn't do good. Why are you asking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a few genuinely funny guys, like if you look at the lineup of the commentators, there's probably, I would say, five or six genuinely really funny guys. The problem is, it's like any other hang, they pepper them with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not funny guys, who then try to compete with the really funny guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, that's the real problem. Cause there's some real funny dudes. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To pick, yea, maybe here to pick up these cards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How ugly these fucking dudes are. It's true. You also pointed that out to me, something I never consider, because I don't think about how good looking a guy is. But then you started to be like, they let this fucking guy on television? So I started to look at him and be like, oh yea, that guy doesn't look like he should be on television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she looks amazed. There's only like three or four dogs that are women that are doing the job. That are in, really? And then, yeaah, there's a couple real fucking hounds, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sometimes, or they're just, they're actually good. No, some of them are just actually good at the job. You know, like they're still good at the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a few that need to get the boot, but there's uhm, but there's definitely like some, some that you go, she's just attractive. Like there's a couple that you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Press pause. Okay, one moment. Okay. Errol, how was your peachy break?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some people might have been like, well what was that, so in 371, uh, you know, a month or two ago or whatever that was, we introduced you to pup play in a very accessible, non-threatening way, you know, and non-sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, a bunch of emails came in, you know, I think when we originally aired the clip, someone said he was British, and then we were like, and then we got a bunch of emails saying this guy's not Kiwi at all, this guy's Australian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about, doesn't matter as long as you're fuckin' in the midst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, to my own, everyone smelled their own, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy would abuse me though. This guy is, this guy is one of those guys just like, just like some guys do it with chicks, it's their angle. He's like, I'm puff training you. And then he fucking locks you in a cage and sticks it in your butt, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm shitting in his mouth. You got it. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, it's not going to be nice. Ears are terrible. They're not terrible, but I mean, still it's shit. But yeah, without question, this is fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'll be a fuckin' pup. I guess I'm pupping. I'm a pup now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says go to another cubicle. I don't know if he knows this, but cubicles are wide open. Stick your hand in there and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I am gonna go to the workout right now. When I'm done, I'm gonna let you sniff it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure of it, but I'm sure his are particularly gnarly. Maybe that's how he gifts people. Like Christmas gifts for him are just his used underwear and he's like, I got you something nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, thank you Megan and Megan for the unbelievable Valentine's Day cards. I think we should save them and read them closer to Valentine's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that clip a lot. Just like the gays, uhm, who made this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for listening to the show. Don't forget your mom's house podcast dot com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, alright. Thanks guys, we love you. Love you mommies. Bye jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So you guys discussed that early in the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nine and ten. I like to take December down from stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like to take, not, I'll do local, I'll be in the store, but alright, I come on them, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also guys, listen, the holidays are upon us. You gotta do your shopping using our Amazon banner. Do not fly with gifts, those dum-dums and TSA. If you, if you wrap a gift and fly with it on your carry-on, what do they do, Tommy? What's in there? What's in here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go, oh you can go back and check it in if you want. Like anybody fucking does that. Of course. You don't have time for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go to Amazon, send them to the destination you're going to. Why would you travel with gifts? It's silly. Have it shipped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And use our banner, yourmomshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage to your shopping. Thank you, thank you for those of you that already do it loyally. We so appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that clip I saw on Facebook yesterday and I almost had a fucking coronary. I thought it was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, that's the new opener for tomorrow because that was the craziest shit I've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, it's so unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, guys, we barely had our lives together enough to do today's episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has been a massive move and Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Left town the day we had one day here and then you left town and I've been alone with the baby and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Workers coming in and out, we have, everything's chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, guys, listen, it's a miracle that we pulled together audio tonight. So sorry, we're going to have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm looking at just everything splattered everywhere. It's bad. And not healthy. This is a level 8 hoarders, right? What's the highest on the hoarding?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's pathways, which is a good sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, wait, sorry, so if you still have pathways, you're like a three?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're at a three. I think it's so hilarious that there's like, cool. Cause I know that guy, Matt, um, what is he, what's his, his website? It's like five steps or something. Yeah, I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but that's what, that's what he, he classifies people as the hoarder levels. Like if you got dead animals, you're definitely like a five plus. Yeah. Feces and buckets, you're five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I live for this kind of shit. I love psychological things like this. This is so peculiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not even, we're, our doorways are not that accessible right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, goats can climb on mountains on narrow trails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember, remember Tommy, that episode of Hoarders, where she was, she was like, well, it's not puffy, I can still eat it. Like when the bacteria, so there would be like a box of like, soup or broth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this woman would be like, the hoarding cleaning lady would be like, this is a year past date. And she goes, well the box isn't puffy, I can still eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite too is when uhm, the women had a problem collecting things like beanie babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the psychologist was the hoarder? Yea. And I was like, how could you do that? I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's some kind of trauma, I think that happens and then it's unresolved and then they turn in, they, they, yeah, they hoard to deal with the trauma. Usually that's what happens. I don't know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can watch an entire series of people who just shit into jars and collect them. I love that. I can watch that shit all day, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me, it gives me so much anxiety to have boxes. I fucking hate it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it, just the appearance, just boxes everywhere gives me, ugh, I just hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's just stuff like, you're missing. Like I've got the, uh, I've got the cup, but not the lid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's Thanksgiving week too. We're going to be home. We'll be around so we can straighten things up a bit more. Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, oh boy. You know what's neat about moving, Tom? My favorite thing and having workers around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All, every, every mover that was in our home took a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you know that lunchtime, I remember lunchtime came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shook my hand. Hey, how you doing? My name is so Steve, gonna do the thing. Great, great, great. Not five minutes later. Can I use your bathroom? And I'm thinking, well, he's gonna go number one. It's the morning. It's early morning. No, the guy takes a full steamer. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could hear it. I could smell it. And he used the bathroom by the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. But why, why save it for my house? That was the first call in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he wanted to pull over to Starbucks and maybe shit somewhere else, but he brought it to my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a professional studio. It is, but we'll give you a tour. I want to do this as like a Patreon bonus or just a bonus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys to see the quality of the studio is bananas. It's soundproofed, it's got like velvet on the walls, sound paneling, just beyond anything acoustically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we have a couch here that the original owner left behind that leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Dre sat on and all these crazy directors and this guy was a composer for films.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These two idiots, I mean, is there anything more repulsive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I gotta tell you, as a mom. As a mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thought of falling in love with my son, it's just not on the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the only way I would do it is if, is if they were like, Ellis' life depends on this happening. I'd be like, absolutely, like, it's my son, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they both have teardrop tattoos, which is kinda nice. I'm pretty sure. Would you French your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Damn it. These two. Oh man. I don't know. You got to stay in school, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, all that fancy book learning. Seriously though, real talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm your mom. Would you ever consider dating your mom? That's the question she asked him. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a beautiful courtship story too.


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[Assistant] You're not gonna fight for the right to marry your mom.


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[Assistant] I don't think society's gonna get on board with that one, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, shut the blinds, retard. No one cares. Just do your weird shit on your own time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're dummies, babe. They don't know how to shut the fuck up and just do what they gotta do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's his Twitter? Is he on Twitter? Can we give him a shout out to help him? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love Josh Potter. He is very funny and he's a, he's super, he's one of those dudes that's funny off stage too. When you're just talking to him and you're like, this guy's crazy funny. Yeah, his self deprecation is also super good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great idea. Maybe those two can spark up kind of a connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And cause, uh, Josh was the one that turned us on to her Snapchat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, may I, may I throw out something? May I throw my hat into this discussion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you considered, I just think that sometimes they're, they have white uniforms. Yeah. Those, uh, tight pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that those teams would have to keep the cleanest b-holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and because I can see everything when they bend over and I'm, we got that widescreen TV. I see, I can see cheeks. They don't wear panties. They're not wearing panties. I can see outlines of balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think you can, you, you gotta be careful. Cause if the chocolate smears, if you're wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe and, you know, you gotta be careful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I've had horrible dumps since we moved in here because we don't have our washlets installed and I've had disastrous bowel movements and I've had to shit to shower here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because I don't have a washlet. The bidet is not here yet. It's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how disgusting was it to shit on the road without, uh, it's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just see. What's, what's this person's name? So BJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna say, I wish I could see his hair situation. Cause I feel like, does he have dreadlocks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I feel like people with dreadlocks are extra dirty downstairs too. Yeah. That's just my bias.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel that way? That like if your head smells, then your asshole and your cooch are gonna stink like that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and here's why, because his head is clean shaven, and he grooms his facial hair nicely. I think he takes pride in his appearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I think all of their assholes smell. I don't think there's a football player alive whose butthole doesn't. Yeah, he's dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but a man that maintains facial hair shape, that's a guy that cares. That is appearance in general. But if you're just clean shaven, it's like, well, there's effort, but not as much effort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you put a lot of effort into maintaining your beard.


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[Assistant] And over the years, I've civilized you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To care about your b-hole cleanliness and your body cleanliness, you know?


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[Assistant] Although every now and then you do slip up and you'll fly home after a long weekend of shows not showered and then demand that I orally pleasure you and I'll be like have you showered in the last 24 hours or is this your swamp nuts from your flight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, who's this guy? He's disgusting. You think so? He's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eli is retired or Peyton? Peyton's retired. Peyton's retired. Can I tell you that I love his commercials? I think he's so funny. Like he's actually really funny. He is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a mess. It's a mess. You know why? Why? The facial hair is all a mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not though because it's too bushy, but see he's not. There's a lot of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Brockers. My god. Yeah, Michael Brockers who like can hold you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a big boy. Our son's almost a year old. He wears, um, 18 month and up clothing. She's a big guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a Japanese class of children. This is adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Class of 40, you said 40, Indian children, adorable little kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like an American teaching abroad. This is an Indian woman who I'm assuming listens to the show and then this is amazing. Wow, I'm blown away. I'm blown away. Thank you for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you realize that Burt is being shamed in Calcutta now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are fantastic. These are wonderful pictures. It looks like big titties on Bert. Bert's wearing a diaper in this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burt looks like Santa Claus in this one. So good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the thing is, that's a costly endeavor, so I'd like Burt to spend that money. Of course. So we need to slim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. And then you can see exactly how fat the loser is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both you and Burt have had beards for years.


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[Assistant] And I was looking at this photo we have of us back to back here. We took this at Sears a few years ago. Look how thin your beard was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't look good when it's thin. It looks good bushy. So I haven't seen your face and I can't remember.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't remember the last time that you've done that.


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[Assistant] Because I can't even picture Burt without a beard. I've only ever known him with a beard.


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[Assistant] Forget it. Forget it. Here's a variable that's gonna mess with Bert. The party life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's booze, booze, booze every night, eating it two in the morning, and then sleeping and waking up and doing it all over again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay working out. You just have to weigh less than Bert, right? Well, to win, yes. It could be a pound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not. Not during the holidays. We know that because everyone parties in the holidays. He's renovating the house. They all live in like the same room right now. He's stressed out all the time. So when he is home, he wants to drink. When he's on the road, he's going to party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep, eat properly. You're, you're, you've got my support and we're on the, I'm on Primal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your keto? We're there, we're maintaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The alcohol. And don't forget, alcohol itself is, uh, it's sugar. That's a lot of calories. You're talking, that's your daily caloric intake, how much he drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order for Bert to defeat you, he would have to stop drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sporting event. Oh my god. Cause that's just money. But this is like, that's embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the good thing for you is that your beard grows back so fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got us a smoked turkey from honey-baked ham, and I got us a honey-baked ham, and then I'm gonna do green bean casserole, sweet potatoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And add a pumpkin pie. One day you can follow up the wagon for one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, it is never clean. She weighs 700 pounds. She's a big girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much to go down on Ms. Fluck? Okay, here's what you'd rather. You gotta either, would you rather French your mom? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. Her legs are glued. There's like, she's got that fat person thing where she gets lesions from where the fat lives together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's turning the negative into a positive, but I don't buy it either. I just love myself, like no you don't. There's no way you could be into being that fat. No way, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, would people like jerk off to this? Like dudes are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so great. Is there a site where I could sell my soggy mom tits and my destroyed mom body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there, is there a hot, a soggy mom body site?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100 dollars for a couple of farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard you say that before. Why, why is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of gig could she have? Like, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if she, she can't really work in an office cause, you know, she's too big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's killing herself with food. This is not a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's eating a watermelon and she's topless. In bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. You just, yeaah. You know what I noticed with being on this diet thing is that I would, I would make food a, a prize for something. Right. Like a reward. Like, oh, I had such a bad day, but I'm gonna reward myself with cookies. Right. Or, like the reward can't be food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can't be the emotional outlet. Like, I'm lonely, I'm just gonna eat something. And that's totally what I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can see it, how? I'm sorry, I was just drinking water because I'm the champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but you can, where's your water? Uh, interesting, the cameras aren't rolling. Yeaah. But where's your water? I'm just curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're such a baker. You're drinking your imaginary water? No, I'm drinking water. I have water in my gallon right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I forgot even what I was saying. I don't fucking know. The point is, it can't be an emotional thing. That's the problem. It's with anything. It's hard not to have addictions. Alcohol, cigarettes, food, it's just an easy thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not. She's eating like the buckets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's retarded, because that doesn't help him learn English better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish we could get a recording of your dad doing this to someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you slow it down. For a foreigner, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because I remember when Bill was in our home, that was back in Silver Lake, and that's before that happened to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, listen, they, they, they keep us both in check, and I know that, and I know they, they're very vigilant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just see, just for the record, it hadn't happened yet. That was a long time ago that Bill, Bill Burrow was in our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, everybody knows he's way fatter than you, Tom. Yeah. This is gonna be easy peasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like you're not really the master though lately. Wow. I'm just saying. I don't feel like you're really... I don't know. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These jeans are you, do you still have these? I remember these jeans that you're wearing in that photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He believes this guy speaks our language. Yea, I know. And he's American. Look at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love his beer cozy, that's a real trash thing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta keep a can of beer in a cozy. God damn it. God damn it. He's motherfuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I feel like I should be able to choose who gets to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There should be, okay, here's the thing. Yeaah. I think there should be a basic IQ test. For living? For life, yeaah. And if you fail, you're just not on the planet. Or you just, we send you somewhere else. Yeaah. I don't know where. Maybe Alaska?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does not make the cut. We ship them to some like the arctic, arctic tundra in Alaska, somewhere really hard to live. And if he can survive, he gets to live. But I don't, you don't just get to live and being this dumb. Same with the incest couple. I think we give them an IQ test, ship them off town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, that's true. I take, I take, I might take it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says Tr- it says RV, I guess. This is- This is Traveling Shower. Hillbilly RV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I'm not convinced that making stuff is necessarily the money saver. You know what I mean? It's time and energy. It took that guy to piece together the RV. He's so happy with it though. He could have just bought it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes there is. Just glassin', glassin', glassin'. Glassin' guy's the happiest man on the planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that guy is so stoked. He's so happy to be alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely, uh, UK. I just, I don't even feel like this shit, like, how much fucking free time? How do these people have time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're dressed up in the dog and they're smelling each other and howling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's usually professional people that have high stress jobs that like S&M and this stuff. But so how are they fucking each other? Cause they're in full body latex costumes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they unzip their dicks and then fuck each other's butts? I don't know how this works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes my asshole player too. The thing is, is like, I envy that these people are so in touch with their feelings that they can find something. Like I am so shut off from how I feel that I could never be like, you know what, secretly. Are you? Are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna be a dog in latex. No, but I'm saying that I'm so shut off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I might love this, but because of who I am, I'm so quick to be like, fuck you, you fucking asshole, that I wouldn't even be open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emotionally, cause he's right, like think about it, the argument is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During the day I'm this helpless car mechanic, but when I put on my puppy play costume, I get to be a dog with no human inhibition. So it's his channel of freedom, but I'm so fucking uptight and judgmental. I could never get there. I could never get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What makes it creepy is the fetish, the latex. He's like, we don't fuck each other. Well then what's the point of wearing fetish stuff? If you're not getting laid, it's fetish-y, but not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, this body type, it is a very English thing, sorry English listeners. It's the male physique of, I've never exercised once in my life. I've never lifted away a day in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm saying this particular mush brand of male, it can be American too, I shouldn't just single out English. The guy who's like never, ever, ever lived at a weight. Yeah, that's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters. What? Rockwell Automation's retroincabulator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just a short talk and we will cover just these topics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, I'll go double pike class, I can probably get two hash browns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you gotta, you gotta raise your kids. You gotta raise your kids. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you being facetious? No. I just think it's a silly thing to have to say, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cool. Could you drag it out for more? Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was running around, I ran outside, I switched the boards. Having board problems. I finally installed...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new Soundcraft board was recommended to me. Couldn't get it to, uh, to function. I couldn't get it to work. I did it really quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know I didn't take my time with it, but fuck man, I could not get, I couldn't get the, uh, this is boring to people, but I couldn't get this to read the sound through the USB, I couldn't get it to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At Bennington Show on Twitter, you can, uhm, get free tickets from them to that. That's gonna be Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ship your gifts, man. Ship your gifts. You know what I'm sayin'? Ship them shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you wanna, uh, you wanna start the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Uhm, so do you remember dating this guy or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I could see ya, Rick. Scott. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when I did that at that, at the Burbank show? Were you there for that? You were there. I remember we were doing the meet and greet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this girl's like, uh, will you say hi to like my friend Derek? And I go, yeah. And I always like, I don't know how to make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not lame. So I just go to dumb and I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, uh, Derek? You fucking piece of shit. Oh right, yeaah. And she was like, and her face dropped. Yeaah. And she was like, uhm, okay. I got like really offended by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How could you get, I don't know, you're at a comedy show, why would you get offended by that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just threw these things in the same, same compartments, you know, same inputs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want me to be upset about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no idea. I have no idea. It says deckhands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Of course. Oh, okay. What is this supposed to be? From what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, IFQ. So, you don't remember this guy? You don't remember making love to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was real sweet. Those are the best, uhm, like, votes of confidence on people, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and when he gets on those things, he's a different guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you can hear it. You can hear it. She's not, she's not doing so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is he saying? That he'd rather listen to Metallica than Old MacDonald had a farm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also, you see that like in Florida, you see it's a real winner circle kind of. Yep. Yep. Bush light. Cause it's like a 12-er for like six bucks or something. It's real cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're in Florida and you're drinking out in the groves. And uh, and also when you're a deckhand and you wear a confederate flag visor, you drink bush light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he's thinking these things through? You think he's like, hmmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if this really adds up to me. He probably doesn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was on a boat, but it was 60 in the morning, he said. He got cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why that happens though? You know why they're at this level? Cause he's never at the early level, didn't care. That's why. That's how all shit gets like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause when it started, he was like, I don't give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I, by the way, think about that all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything could be a problem. I started thinking about it much more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a show where they're just following a bum, like a drunk, a drunk drifter in Florida around is what it feels like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you can survive there, I think. You're never gonna freeze to death, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to work. He was working. He was being, he was on the boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's also why I wear them in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, text message you. Alright, cool nose pic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to tell you this, I cannot believe I, you know, when you don't write shit down, you fuck yourself, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this happened when I was back in Charlotte. In Charlotte, North Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to, I was doing the show. You're not going to believe this. I have to actually show you, set this up so you know exactly what I'm talking about. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the infamous bikes clip that ended up being a bit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the kid that I talk about in this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's horrible audio, but that's the kid, okay? That's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting there, I'm not sitting there, I'm standing on stage and performing in Charlotte on Friday, I think Friday early show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, really, I still remember, you know, you forget about shows, it was such a good show, such a good crowd. During the show, this lady in the front row, I say something, I go, what? And she goes, I dated this kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, you have got to be shitting me. She goes, no, I go, so when you were dating, like did this air? She was like, yeah. And he ended up changing his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his name is Tom Segura. Now he ended up changing his name, uhm, uh, and anyways, now I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but this is, this is what I wanted to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all I wanted to tell you that he is now, now, just went to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So look at him here. How would you describe him? He's adorable. He's like 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, he's got, he's got a bowl cut parted in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I found out his name from the lady. Uhm, his name is Justin. What do you think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I thought it was pretty crazy. And uhm, she also let me know his mailing address and prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was thinking of giving out his address so that everyone could write home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bikes and the drawing pictures of bikes, that's what I wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I asked and then I consulted with somebody legally about doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're asking people to write something nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really thought it'd be cool. In my mind, the cool thing would be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, uh, he's in prison which sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like one guy gets a letter, one guy gets two letters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy's first name is Justin, I can say that. Justin, and they have just like a bundle. What the fuck? And then people are writing cool things to him like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, yeaah, like you'll get through this, or, you know, encouraging stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, the guy, I think he's, I don't know if he's married, he's got a couple kids. I don't know, they could, people could be cool. But then again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If people just go off and do something crazy, I don't want to be the one who they blame for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you know me, you can find me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I can't, come on. Can't solve the whole mystery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would encourage you, if you do decide to write Justin a letter, I mean seriously, say something nice. Wouldn't that be, wouldn't, if you, if it sucked for you, like wouldn't it suck? First of all, they told me that his, like his crime was that he, I think he was on probation and he was in, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And she told me about it at the show. And I wrote to her later, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just asking questions and stuff and you know, she said she was a nice kid. 12 year old kid. She was there with her husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been two years. Why not? Yeaah. It's been two years since my last physical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to stay on top of it. Yours is, how long has yours, I forgot because you told me. Yours has been, how many years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go in, first of all, from 2014, I weigh 10 pounds less than I did in 2014.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you follow my standup at all, uh, completely normal or you stream it on Pandora, I get a breakdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the guy. Anyways, he keeps really thorough notes, really thorough, you know, background stuff. So he's like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your weight's down. Let me see what I wrote down in 2014. He goes, yeah, I wrote lose weight. Guess you fucking finally listened to me. I go, all right, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He keeps talking, asking me, you know, anything bothering you. He goes, oh, you had food poisoning this one time, you had this. I said, yeah, you know, I uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a, I had a food allergy test and they sent it to him because they send, any specialist sends something to him. He goes, that came back all negative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, yeah, I am going to see this gastroenterologist though. I had a consultation because of like explosive diarrhea and crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, and I broke down for him how there's kind of no rhyme or reason, like some days it's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also like quick and then some days it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then has, has you, have you had that test or that test? And I got all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, I'm having, I'm having it coming up. And he goes, yeah, I think you should. And he goes, should I test? Should I check your prostate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, uh, he goes, looks at me and I go, I don't know, like you're the doctor. Cause we were a little young for it. I don't think so. I go, all right.