[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have consultation set up for us. For what? To modify some things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, great. Well, we have a consultation next week and we'll go and we'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to the doctor and just see how long you, you know, recovery will be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're great. You are great. What I'm saying is like, let's go to that next level, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even think of that. Write that down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's some tit stuff that we've talked about, there's some, you know, piercing stuff that I'd like to explain, expand on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, that means I'll be rock hard into my 70s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's pretty elaborate, so I feel like we should, uh, kinda ease into it. I don't wanna freak you out, you know? But I think you're, you're gonna be real happy when you're done. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll talk about it more. We'll talk about it more later. Uhm, so people, uh, have been sending in their big tit submissions. I do love these the most. These are my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here's some of the best ones from this week. If you want to send your big titted animal submission in, it's YourMomsPodcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email. YourMomsPodcast at gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you? That was great. That was where she got a little baby with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? What? And then she's like, okay, and then she's putting it together and then she goes, are you recording? And he cuts it off. That was good. This next one is, uh, from Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic. That reaction was perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fantastic. Yeah, good girl. This is, uh, let's see, Enrique and Mackenzie. Sorry, do you want to eat, you big titted animal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you react to that. That's a good relationship right there. You're so stupid. This is Alan and Emily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Takeru says, yearning for love. I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you. I love you so much. Your love is killing me. I wish I had love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love has broken me. Where is my love gone? It's all about love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because I'm so gearing up for my Spanish shows again. So I've been practicing Spanish more. I've been doing Spanish podcasts, sometimes like four or five a week. That's awesome. So it's like, it's, it's, it's in my system, you know? Like I'm, I'm trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just trying to work on it, and then it reminds me that, oh I love some of it, cause some of the music, a lot of it is like throwback, it's just nostalgia, it's like when you go like, oh I remember this album from when I was growing up, you know, some of that, and then I've been introduced to newer stuff from people too, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I really can't, but I uhm, I will be, I will be singing soon at my live shows because I'm learning piano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, so what happened was our, um, our oldest takes piano lessons and half the time he's like hanging upside down off a chair and I'm like, hey man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I see his piano teacher and I'm thinking, I don't know why, it just doesn't, it occurs to me, like, I'm thinking she teaches children, you know? And so one day I'm walking by and I think I just listened to something and I was like, ah, I wish I could take a piano lesson. She was like, I can give you a piano lesson. And I go, okay. So then I follow up and she goes, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a lesson, then I practiced the next day, and I have a lesson tomorrow. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exciting for you. It's fun. And then I can use my shithand. Yeah. That is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm able to, you know, practice with it. That's exciting. I couldn't do a lot. Then she was like, and hit that C major with your left hand. I was like, I couldn't really do it, but it's still an exercise, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The actual song with the lyrics and she's like, oh sure. And I put it on for her and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, wake yo punk ass up for the 93 shot. And then it gets, it's like, it's a super dramatic, like, you know, violent song. And she was like, oh, you could tell. She goes, yeah, I am classically trained, like Beethoven, Mozart. I was like, I guess it's a little different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I played for her the theme song to 000, that prime show that I was talking about non-stop for a minute. It's so good. And it has a very distinct piano theme. Right? It's simple. It's very simple. So anyways, of course,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing, I mean, I know there's musicians that listen to this show, but it's just amazing to me, because I'm not musically inclined, that I go, here's this theme song, and she's like, okay, here are the notes, like, just from her ear. She just showed me how to play it, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what she sent me, we're gonna be able to play tomorrow because she, she, she recorded herself playing the full composition. Oh, that's so cool. I did like the basic stuff and she did the full thing and I was like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, that's what happened when I did Conan, that's how I met him. On Conan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, I forget if it was Conan or Andy Richter, I think I've said this before, they were like, you know this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like before he came on, I was like, uh-uh. And they're like, wait till you see this. Oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you see, that's when you see, like when you realize, oh this is a gift, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a gift. I think at certain points you realize, oh, it's like it's separate from you. You know, it's like bigger than you. I remember I was watching it's like, it sounds unrelated, but not when I watched the last dance, the Michael Jordan struggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last dance. But the Chicago Bulls thing, there's one point where he says, uhm, it was like, are you gonna play another year? Right? It was like 97 and going into 98, something like that, maybe 99. And they go, and he made reference, I'm paraphrasing, but something like, you can't, it's not fair to keep this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the world. In other words, I'm so gifted at basketball that for me to not play is like taking it away from other people. Yes, 100%. I never thought of it like that, but he and even I think Phil Jackson were like, you can't not play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're at the peak of your career and it is a show for all of us to see you play basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People say it about this podcast. You know? I've heard it many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done press and they're like, oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be a great show to see live. I could start playing what I learned and you could do a karate demonstration. I mean, who wouldn't buy a ticket to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just go back and forth between the two things I learned, straight up menace, and zero zero zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're saying that social conditions have kept minorities from going outside?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I can put some sneakers on or some hiking boots and just hike your ass off. No one will say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did people look at you funny because you were wearing funny shit? Or, you know, like, maybe you didn't have hiking gear on? People were like, what are you wearing? I've done that. I've seen somebody wearing khakis and I'm like, are you fucking crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the important work that thankfully someone's doing in this country. You know, cause a lot of times you go on hikes and you're like, why is it so goddamn not mixed up here? It's not inclusive enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like we're- so are they saying that what's the- are people supposed to reach out more? Well-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying that, like, I can understand that there's a difficulty or challenges associated with hiking if you're disabled. A hundred, yes. To find a group. That's cool. That gives you like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, if you're somebody that goes, finally, you're a fucking mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to get your, your whole life is a fucking mess. Get your shit together. You can go hiking wherever you want, you can go on walks, you can ride your bike, you can skateboard, and we're acting like, what is this, fucking Rwanda or something? And you're like, I don't know, or is there violence? Like, just go outside and hike. What the fuck are you talking about, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are pervasive and long standing in this country, but the idea that like this city, this city, you go outside and you walk around and you see people of every origin and ethnicity and like, I do not, I reject the notion that, that it's somehow not inclusive to hike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That hiking is restrictive. Like, get the fuck outta here. I wish I saw more black- well then bring one. Bring a fucking black friend with you and you'll see more black people on their fucking trail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's also like, you know, I feel like that's a different article. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drunk mix this way and you just fuckin' puke and you lay in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, if you're thinking about hiking and you're like, I don't know, I'm Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it's gonna be like out there. What's it gonna be like? Let me tell you something. This is a perfect example of how something written and that is online is nonsense. This is make believe. Nonsense. This is not real. It is not a real issue. Somebody has a fucking article to write and they're like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There sure weren't a lot of black people on the trail this morning. And they wrote an article about this. This is not true. This is not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to pay to hike. You don't have to get clearance. There's no admission. There's no paywall. You just go and hike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I hiked right before I got hurt, I hiked, uhm, not far from where we live, I wanted to hike with one of our neighbors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember going up that trail, seeing all kinds, I did go, hey, you're black, what are you doing here? To somebody. But then we came down and it was fine, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The LA Times wrote that, I mean. LA Times, bro. Cancel your fucking subscription.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a dumb fucking, what a dumb fucking angle that is. Such a stupid article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta, we gotta, we gotta work on the diversity of the trails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the nation's Hispanic population though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You can even start posting no whites allowed on hiking trails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just, or right, Blancos Fuera. Get out here, white people. And there'll be no white people on that trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea that this is an issue is what's upsetting to me. I'll tell you what's not an issue. One of the funniest things I've seen in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, we're gonna take a little pause and we'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, they are pros. They are super pros. This is a Colombian soccer show on ESPN. Guess what, the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, it's the shock of that. You know what I mean? That guy's just like reading his notes. And you have no idea. It's like the whole set collapsed on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy is, uh, in between a bunch of tires and he's, oh, he thinks he's gonna push them over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, TV anchors, Carlos Orduz, TV anchor in Columbia, was left injured after a portion of the studio set fell on him while he was on air during a broadcast. The ESPN journalist, Carlos Udud, was lucky enough that he didn't suffer any major injuries. He's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Quick break, we'll be right back after we put this set back together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YO! COVID spring break is right around the corner and you know what that means. Spring break in your pants. Manscaped is here to ensure that the party in your pants never stops. Even Veronica Corningstone wouldn't say no to this pants party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For everyone preparing for a pants party this spring break, I have an exclusive 20% off discount. Go to manscaped.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ManScape actually has the best below the belt grooming stuff you can find. From the perfect package 3.0 kit, the lawnmower, 3.0 waterproof cordless body trimmer, they have the ball wipes, they keep everything down in that junk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fresh and clean and just ready to plop into a stranger's mouth that you met on spring break. It is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna get your stuff lapped up and licked up and sucked on, you gotta go to Manscaped. Get 20% off and free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off with free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. Say aloha to your new beautiful balls with Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I told a guy the other day I'd rip his fucking eyes out of his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, when I pulled into a spot, this guy, this guy was in the spot next to me. Okay? In a public area. And he, he mouthed something, like, uh, like aggressively. So I go, I go, what? And my, I was still in my car, so I got out of the car. And he said something, I go, what did you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he rolled the window down and said like, you know, you gotta watch, like, when you pull in like that, I'm pulling out. And I go, I'll rip your fucking eyes out of your head. And then he just backed up and drove away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, guess what finally arrived?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, in the circle. Oh, Joel. It says Joel. And then this is the one that a listener modified and it says Jean. Oh my god. On the circle there. And then you just press play and let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing is completely hacked with just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was made by Audio Bridge Matt. This, this really is, you know, we're constantly blown away by people's talents that, that listen to this show. We've seen, you know, we have artists, people that paint and create, they sculpt things, uh, musically, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying the music people, incredible talents. Yeah. Photoshop's and memes and everything. But I mean, this, this is like next level. I mean, hacking this device and the amount of time this dude, audio bridge, Matt, he put in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know how you do that. I really don't. It's priceless. It's great. I mean, I imagine that's an intense amount of work and the infrastructure that goes into that, but it's really incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I thought of though, afterwards, it felt right, it felt like what I wanted to say, but what I forget is that I am still injured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like my, my injuries are, I'm doing much better. I don't even have a sleeve on my leg today. It's awesome. Um, but like if somebody really wanted to fight me, I would go down quick because I just can't, you know? Yeah. My mouth is writing checks that my left hand can't cash. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I thought of a real easy solution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Concealed weapons permit. Because I actually can make a strong case that I can't throw hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, why not carry a fucking Glock in the back pocket?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 38 on the fucking ankle and it's like you want, you wanna talk some shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have a valid handgun license, you may carry your handgun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told you, he goes, I wanna get a gun. And I go, for what? He goes, to shoot people. And I go, what? Who? He goes, bad guys. And I was like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Julian goes, I wanna put you in the street. To me. I go, for what? He goes, so you can get run over by a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about, uh, uh, uh, I said yeaah, I was talking, I was like yeaah, something, something, like I'm strong, I'm the strongest. And he goes, he like perked up from around the corner, he goes, you're not the strongest. And I go, what? He goes, I'm the strongest. And I go, in the house? And he goes, yeaah, I go, come on. And he went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is this? This is uhm, this is Pittsburgh. This is right. This is gotta be some Eastern Europeans. This is my tribe, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, why would you make it an outing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like an event. Yeah, just have like a couple handlers release that there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I just don't like that, that uhm, that you would make it like a big group thing like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fired up that it's fucking drink on Wednesday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the level of fanaticism dipped some from like the eight, but it's still the level so high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is true that there was a point where he would get off the plane in Lithuania, and it would be Bedlam, yes. And it wouldn't be like that here, but he could still, in that time, in the United States, sell out a stadium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because we were more in tune with like, oh, this guy's going crazy. His face is going, you know what I mean? He's acting bananas. So people kind of dial back some. But yea. You're talking about like the thriller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. The whole idea of pre-fuck dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't want to pre-fuck. Yeah, okay, I don't want dinner before the fuck. Sex, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if it's like, hey, we're gonna be pounding this guy in the ass for a while, and it's like, yea man, I don't wanna be all full doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially like, if you're going out for like, let's chow tonight, let's really have a great, no, you don't want to get home and fuck men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe it. Uhm, you did something like new and particularly disgusting that I'd never seen you do before. It shook me to my core. It absolutely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It shook the foundation of our relationship and honestly it kind of re-analyzed the way, like it made me analyze the way that I see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. It changed things. No. There's a change. There's a notable change. Stop. And it was this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm laying in bed talking to you. You come around the bed and you go around to your side and you're sitting there and you're talking to me and you're talking to me with one of those


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it has like a plastic apparatus. I get it between my crown. Yeah, then there's a string of floss. You know what I'm talking about. Nemos. Dental floss stick, right? So she's doing this, no big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And throws it off the bed into the floor and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she kept talking, I go, what are you doing? And she's like, what? And I go, did you just throw the floss stick on the floor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, whatever. And she's like, what? And I go, you just threw what you were flossing with onto the floor? What the fuck? And she goes, I'll get it when I get up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, why don't you get it right now and never do that again? And she's like, oh, you flick boogers. And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about, I'm driving, like, right, this, right, and you're driving, go, you go, and then I'm like, that, or sometimes I do it out the window, but sometimes I go like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very good point, but let's shift that to the most vile thing I think I've ever seen you do, which is in your own home, in your bedroom. That's why I do it. To use a flaw stick and throw it on the ground. Are you out of your fucking mind? Like what, have you been doing this a long time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just get, like, can I tell you something? Just get a fuckin', like, a tissue, like a piece of toilet paper, put it on your nightstand, and if you're done, if you wanna do that in bed, just place it on there, and then you just throw that out when you're done. What are you doing? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yours is so much worse, and I'll tell you why. Oh my god, really? Yours is so much worse. Yours is worse because Bert does that as basically a calculated prank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing it because he wants the family and everybody to know that he's crazy and gross. But it's still calculated. You are a fucking homeless person who is just like, I don't care about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My own home. I'm gonna take one of the most disgusting things you can do where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody takes floss and throws it in the trash. Like the idea that you would drop it on the floor of where you live and sleep. It's like, I can't even come up with the words to describe how repulsed and upset I am by this new discovery. It is so disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck no, not like this. What is your justification for this nonsense?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There has to be some standard where we live. We're not doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna start wiping my ass and I'll put the tissue on my side of the bed. I'll just leave it on the ground. Fine, I won't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know you're about to get 51.50 right now? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that nobody listening to this thinks you're making any sense at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you lose your case. Case closed. Excellent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, they're gonna chime in, and you should probably brace yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that like sometimes there's like split sides and sometimes it's somewhat, you know this is gonna be like 95 to 5, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people are gonna side with you on that one. You're literally gonna have nobody on your side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you the biggest pig that listens to this show is gonna be like, you do what? You throw your floss on the ground of your bedroom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could take a refugee into the house. Like, uh, somebody from like a war-torn country, and I would be like, hey, make sure you don't throw your floss on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Liquid IV. Sometimes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get a sponsor and it's such a perfect match. You get to really invest in what they're doing and you fall in love with it. And she'll tell you I'm pouring liquid IV into my canteen every day. I don't even know how they're able to do this, but one stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gets you two to three times the amount of hydration as just plain water. It's incredible. And they have a whole bunch of different flavors like watermelon, lemon, lime, passion fruit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They recently launched strawberry. It's incredible. It tastes great. And you know you're hydrating yourself in an incredible way. It's such an easy way to get your body feeling great. And look, it has five essential vitamins, more vitamin C than an orange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 25% off anything you order when you use the promo code mom at liquidiv.com. Get better hydration today at liquidiv.com promo code mom. We're still in March.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, I mean like, to say that like, stay hot is one, and then, like, he's got quite a hushie on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most people actually don't read the book, so they look for the preacher and be like, can you tell us what that means? It means stay hot, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do, and you look amazing, and if we can get over this floss thing, I think we'll probably be in a pretty good place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not over it. You'll get over it. Not gonna get over it. Want it to stop immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what happens to people who don't put their flaws into play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got another one. You see this one? This one I think made the rounds. I'm sure you've seen it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was like thrown by it at first. I was like, what's going on? I don't know what it meant. Yea, where's this gonna go? Where's it gonna go? And not to pile on her, but I thought she was like 55, you know? Yeaah. So then I, and then I realized what was happening. I was like, oh damn, like. You ancient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Age shame her, I just, uh, I mean I thought of the same thing, wow smoking really does age you and tanning. I also feel like at this point if I were her I'd be like, I should probably stop those two things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, goodness. But I guess, I don't know, people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really feel like some of this is the universe. The universe does this to white people because we have so many advantages in this world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the most part though, you know, white people age like dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's wild. They look amazing. Everybody looks great. They're all black. And it's been 30 years and they all look great. It's really weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm over here, haven't seen you yet, if you won't get back to me. And you're like, this is your post?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the woman registers. I think it's that it, maybe it's that it registers, but here's the thing, there's a woman out there, there are women out there who go, oh, I would love this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not hot, you know what it is, it's not a hot, uhm, way to initiate. You wanna see nice things from someone you're already with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe there's a, it reeks of desperation. Yeah. Because you go, I think part of you has to go, why are you, why are you trying this hard? Yeah, like she'll fuck you, like you're a good looking dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe it's because, I mean you have to re- like question what, maybe it's because in his experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not being this way didn't get detouches, right? So you go, well what works then? But I think it's more to do with somebody that never pursued. Like he didn't pursue, cause that's pursuing, like real pursuing, it inherently involves risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people who are risk averse, I don't want it to not work out. It's safer to be like, I'm sweet. I'm nice. The sweet guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna have a drink, or whatever, however you say it, they can go like, get the fuck out of here. You're ashamed, you're embarrassed, you're humiliated, or they go, who's this guy? So there's inherent risk. The confidence of that. With jumping off that cliff, you know, but this shit, it's funny because it's cringy, I think, to men and women. Like you see this and you're like, the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she should be with fucking Almea's shovel the driveway, cause he'll get you flowers every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I mean is, saying what you want or need. That's a good, that's good advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is, this is equivalent to uhm, you know when you watch those dating shows and they have a list? Here's my list. He must be 6'1". He must be like, you know, you're like, wait, what? Like, that shit is gross. And so is like, every date should involve, like, get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your pussies get turned, they get locked down and they throw away the key.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but every- I like flowers. I know you like flowers, and I get you flowers, but I'm saying, like, if you're like, the guy who's like, I brought flowers because I'm seeing you again. Everyday. Come on, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That never has so little said so much to me. Uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe he's not really into wellness and health entirely. He qualifies for the vaccine immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's the level of delusion that he's looking for 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I can think of 18, 19, 20, 21, all those numbers don't work here. They're all wildly inappropriate for this man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think his search should start where it ends on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean he definitely has, he has all the qualifications we look for for an awesome video. Angle, lighting, bare walls, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he was, it was acceptable for a moment. You wanna go through it? Yeaah. I'll tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but even that, that's like, that's part of the lexicon, you know? Netflix and chill. He's like, I want to cuddle with you. It's still not, it's not threatening, because to cuddle with somebody, even if you don't want to cuddle with him, he's not like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, it's saying I want you to do something that you'd have to reciprocate the desire and it's not uhm, it's not threatening, like cuddling is not threatening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kinda makes me wonder who you normally deal with, you know? I would also like to buy you food. I would also like to buy you food. This is telling me that you meet a lot of hungry bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get a chick just by buying her food. I mean you can at least get her to have dinner with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, if you, if you're a dude and you're like, what's my angle, let me tell you something, man. Everybody loves a good meal. Feed a bitch. Feed a bitch. I, I 100%. And like, take her to a decent, you don't have to take her to a fucking Michelin star restaurant. No. But like. Italian. Or somewhere decent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking a chick out to eat is the fucking move, man. Like, you can't go into it like, I'm taking her to eat, therefore I deserve things. I'm saying, this is a good way


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dinner, lunch or dinner at a restaurant is also, not only is that like a date thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is also, I think, the best social activity. It's the best, I agree. Like even non-romantically, let's go have dinner. I know. You know, you're sharing food, you're having wine or whatever. It's great. It's how you connect with people and I think it's one of like the ones where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you could, you know, on Yelp, you can search by price. Yeah. Single dollar, double dollar, triple, four, whatever. Absolutely. So just search your.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $16 entrees and shit, you know? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was cool. We did that. You can stop at TJ's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So so far he's like, hey, you're cute. You're cute. I want to watch Netflix. I want to buy you food. I'm still like, alright, alright. Food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also, because the video is sent, like if you rewrite this, he's saying, I'm trying to fuck, but you can, you can leave that everyone knows you want to fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to fu- If a guy says, uh, you know, let me get the door for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is that you should be like, hey, you're cute. You wanna watch Netflix? Come over sometime. Or hey, you're cute. I wanna buy you dinner. You wanna go have dinner? See, it's non-threatening, but you're letting people know I'm in pursuit. I like you. You gotta pursue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is that cat, that's that cat's, this feels good purr. And it sounds like a fucking F-35 is about to take off. Look at the size of that fucker's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's such amazing, there's such amazing cats. These, you know, tigers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that anyone thinks that tigers aren't ferocious, but when you do some research on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can leap, like they can carry a fucking 600 pound animal with their mouth up a tree. Like they are just unbelievable. One swipe of this claw splits you in half. They're just, and they also, they murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stupid bitch. I'd be like, where's the, where's the fence? You get the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I was like, this guy's terrible at telling a story, but he could probably do a bitch and evil laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was, I was ready to get like, like when somebody does a flip or something, you're like, holy shit, you can do that. Like I thought he was going to really do. You thought he was going to blow your shit away. Like, like a joker laugh. And he just went, muahahaha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a DM. That's a fuckin' 401 person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are always good. Those are always good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't understand. I prefer when it's direct and someone's either, um, pleading. You know, sad. Please don't break up with me. That was the best. Or like, call me back man. Like, I like those. The confrontation ones, I enjoy it too, but it's like it's too jarring, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, the trauma that this guy must have gone. It is very Florida, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, this feels like it's definitely South Florida to me. But uhm, when you're in Florida,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get basically into like, Broward County, and you start going inland, I mean, gold teeth, it's such the standard. But did you even see his bangs? He's got like- Oh, I see his bangs, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, one more time, just so you know, we're so excited to bring you YMH live, April 2nd, Friday, April 2nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is going to be a blowout show. It's going to be 6pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, Pacific 9 Eastern. Chris DeStefano, one of the fucking fan favorites is coming in for this. Uh, Marcus King is playing original music. We have special guests. Tickets are available now. Livestream.ymhstudios.com. Get your tickets before show day so you don't, um, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get in the traffic jam when people try to go last second. And of course there's new merch in the store, store.ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are on the road, this weekend I'm on the road. I'm in Phoenix, uh, next week in Omaha. Jean, you have dates also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So thank you so much for supporting. Yeah, you guys are the best. Thank you for supporting us. Thanks for watching the show. Thanks for listening. Uh, we have a closing song. Just Let Me Eat Ya by Hen Dog. Hen Dog's always throwing that heat at us. So enjoy it and we will see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning my queen above 18. Wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. Time to get up. It's time to go get some breakfast. Coffee's on, breakfast is on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yes, yes. Dinner with you was absolutely wonderful last night. I just hope Tom is taking care of you like he said he would. You know, it's hard to do the things that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could do you with one arm, you know, one leg. Anyway, uhm, I gotta go my queen above 18, buy a hoodie, buy a t-shirt, uhm, buy my queen above 18, have a lovely day, uhm, go to Venmo, go to PayPal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't want you on our team. You're too slow and fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a Roma sale gypsy, we work at the fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this one is fun. I actually speak in tongues. I speak in tongues daily. And it's a gift of the Holy Spirit. I will initiate it by opening my mouth with the will to speak it, but the Holy Spirit forms the words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To a group of people. That happened to me one time when we were praying for a ministry event. One of the youth recognized what I said and interpreted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let out a little bit of steam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Limited Edition Frosted Strawberry Donut Oreos. And they have the pink colored cream with the glitter. So, let's open these up and we'll give them a try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Low, but a strawberry. Yeah. Flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to show everybody these Cheez-Its. He's back. Loaded popcorn. Limited time only. We got the cheddar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I saw these and I figured I had to get these. And then there's the white cheddar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go the fuck inside. Excuse me? I told you what I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this dumb bitch. You're gonna go viral on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go the fuck inside. Excuse me? I told you what I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this dumb bitch. You're gonna go viral on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing we learned in 2020 is that the internet is awesome. We bought groceries online, we watched movies online, we did doctor visits online, and of course going to the post office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Online with Stamps.com allows your business to do all the mailing, all the shipping right from your computer. There's no need to leave your home or your office or your home office. Stamps.com has saved small businesses all over the country, thousands of hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tons of money and now you can too. With stamps.com you can get the services of the post office and UPS now, big deal, right on your computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The year you stop wasting time going to the post office and go to stamps.com instead. There's no risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with our promo code mom, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom. That's stamps.com promo code mom stamps.com never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that I am now over the rona because I feel like I'm, I'm, I can live freely now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the attention to detail is what I love most about all my sweaters. As you know, I'm like the sweater comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is really unique. I like the backwards K. It looks a little like, uh, the KKK, but that's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's kind of an Amazon smile. It says Queen Above 18 and I support Amazon too, so I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a little schmutz too that came on the sweatshirt free of charge. Yeah. I'm assuming that came from the king's own trailer where he made this or where he outsourced it. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what it didn't stop you do? What? Didn't stop you doing? What? Didn't stop you from fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it, it was a whole new fantasy. I was like Trish, Trish the wheelchair prostitute where I help men that are paralyzed or severely injured or traumatized. And it was like I got to reinvigorate life into your penis and it was great. Yeah, it felt good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, where the guy's like paralyzed, but he gets feeling in his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well remember we had a hot debate on your mom a thousand years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't, the story with women was usually, my husband was bisexual. That's not the usual story. I got a blood transfusion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it started with your accident in the beginning of December, December 1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I tell you, before you continue your story, I watched the live show the next day on New Year's Day, you were still sleeping, and it was, it was so much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and not just that, you were ha- they were forcing suppositories up your butt, and then pumping you full of coalesce, and you were bedridden. So it's not like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not like you go, oh I have to shit and then you can just pop up and go to the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was bad, the day I visited you, and yeah, and the suppositories and everything had just started working, remember that Sunday I came? And you could barely get up out of bed to shit. It was just a nightmare. So you go to this rehab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people think I'm a hybrid. Um, so then we, you know, we finally get you home, because you've been at this rehab facility for another, what, 12, 13 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we all thought it was, cause I was texting with your doctor too, and she's like, it's Oxy, it's a drawing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, and don't forget, I had gotten you a medical bed, so I had to find a medical bed for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what the fuck is happening? Tom's positive for COVID! And I was like, whaaat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he, it's, it's really logistics cause there's less stairs. So he could come in through the garage and just go into the basement, sleep in that hospital bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought, you know, I'll just, we'll take care of him, the nurse will be here, it'll be fine. So I gotta fuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have to take care of you. Exactly, cause I have two small children already who are, you know, four and two at the time and no nanny cause it's a holidays like, uh, Christina's already full. You know what I'm saying? Like I got my crippled husband home. I got two little kids. Um, it doesn't get any worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, fuckin' yeaah, so now I'm getting the, what's that, PPO? PPE up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I fucking throw him a sandwich, I'm putting on gloves, the N95, the shield, and I'm throwing you a Sandy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, uh, I start to feel crappy the next day, a little sniffles, a little something, but, uh, no, no, I was sitting there with the kids and I'm sitting there and I go, weird, I don't have a taste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't taste anything. And I'm like, no way dude, I can't believe I got the rona, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the time I had a pimple that was giving me more heartache than the rona. Like I was actually more worried about the... You're very lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a little worried that your scrum hasn't been properly washed in a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's a good question, let me think about it. Let me think on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well it's something I don't wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's gotta be worth my while, otherwise I'll be resentful. Think about it. It's gotta be an even exchange. That's what a contract is, Tom. I give something, I get something. It's a contract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess so, I'm kind of worried about my health though, because my immune system, I mean, it's had to work hard, and his butt is not clean, Nadav. He hasn't washed it properly in a month. Why do you keep saying that? Like, we can get it washed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, I deserve something. Like what? In exchange for a scrum lick. Like what? Remember when I ate dog food and I got a nice ring out of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's a nice piece of jewelry to commemorate this awesome year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me think about it. God, a lady has a right to fucking decide her terms, you guys. Don't, don't shake your head no. Yeah. I have a right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three days, it was a breeze. Easy breezy. I was like, running around, doing everything. And then I lost- Yea, no, I lost my taste first. And then day four, I was tired. I just slept. I slept day five, day six, and then that was it. And then like, I have a little runny nose and cough. But I'm the lucky- I'm one of the luckier mofos out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do wish I could carry around a certificate to let people know that I've had it already so that I'm exempt from like wearing a mask and stuff or... It'd be nice. Just to be like, I've had it. I fucking had it. Okay. I mean, because I do feel like it's a superpower now when I walk around. Don't you feel a little bit more powerful? Like, yea, I fucking got that shit, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you though, the mark of a real buddy right there, a real friend, is when your arms jack like that, and he's not afraid, and he's like, here buddy. No, he did, I know. I mean, and for Bert, especially Bert, that's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you what else Lindsay did. We had some smoke alarms in the house that the battery was going down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chirp! And you did you text Lindsay, you just happened to mention it to him and he came over and changed them. He did. And then he came back when one of them-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It's getting better, yea? I keep waiting for you to take, get my attention and it'll be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, you know what I love is yea, you told him to call 911, and I remember when Bert told me the story, he goes yea, Tom goes, call 911, and I go, really? Like, Bert doesn't- those guy- I mean, your arm was like a gummy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You felt like you felt that it collapsed. You knew that it wasn't even slippery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, by the way, thank god that happened December 1st and not like last week. Cause right now LA is the epicenter of the COVID pandemic. You would have been, I mean, trying to get into a fucking hospital now has got to be impossible with, with it's overrun with COVID patients right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I did love listening to, this is a sidebar, the top dog calls, you did a top dog retrospective last week. Oh yea, I did top dog calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I loved hearing him talk about the Orlando airport again. All the classics, man. All the hits. If you guys aren't familiar, it was such a good episode to listen to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's kind of a, it's like everyone around you is a fucking traitor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're not saying it wrong. Go ahead and Google the word one and what does it say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is not, I mean, first of all, one sounds like you're British. Are you speaking the Queen's English? Are you a fucking American? You're a fucking elitist. Yeah. Oh, are we in Downton Abbey? Okay. I guess you live upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One. One. It should be W-U-N. One. You know what, you know what word I realized?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One. I agree with you, Tommy. You're right. Uh, may I tell you the word I figured out? I was mispronouncing my entire life as well. First of all, it started with combative. You told me that that's wrong. Combative. Uh, you told me it's not a sun visor. It's just a visor. Nobody says sun visor. Nobody says chewing gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ambidextrous. I've been saying ambidextrous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cause I say anorexic when I'm joking about being anorexic, but I don't. Ambidextrous. Did you say it that way? I said ambidextrous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like wantong, okay. That's how I say it, like wantong. I wantong. She's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look. I don't know, dude. Oh, speaking of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like to do? I'm with the kids, I'm at the playground, and you know there's that sweet moment where they're playing in the sandbox, they're distracted, and I can get out my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that it's just difficult enough that it's engaging, but not so hard where you're like, I can't, dude. Cause, uh, look, I got Mambray. I got a lot of stuff going on, but it's an escape for me and it's really fun and you should try it out. It's got a hundred million downloads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, it's free to download. And also, let's see, what else do they have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More levels, events, and challenges added all the time, so play away, there's always one more level. You never feel like you're gonna, uh, run out of fun stuff with Best Feeds. The game, the fun, never ends. There are 5,000 levels and counting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So download Best Fiends free today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of people mispronouncing things and speaking with affects and accents. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been so into this Ilaria Baldwin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was prompted because Ellaria responded to the Amy Schumer joke and made a video. And in that video, she talks like a normal, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, who hasn't done a semester abroad? And you come, I remember, I remember when I, I studied in England for two semesters and I came back and I was like, cheers mate, you know, you're a fucking asshole. You come back and everyone's annoyed as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She went, she was lovely in high school, but she is a hundred percent white girl from Boston, and they're very wealthy, and we never heard of her spending an extended period of time in Spain or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's from Mallorca, so I see the Castilian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hilarious. And I also think there's part of a schadenfreude for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I followed her on the gram long ago, because she's one of these perfect moms, okay? She's one of these women who's like, I have five babies, I weigh 90 pounds, here's me two days postpartum in a thong, and I look beautiful. And part of me is like, fuck you. But then you go, you know what, she's athletic, she's in great shape,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to say, Anadov, maybe, I don't know if you experienced this growing up. Ask somebody that did grow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like a totally foreign house. I think for me growing up, like, I didn't want to be different. I didn't want...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to be American so much that, or at least a good European. You know what I mean? Like, couldn't I have been like French or Italian or German? Like Hungarian is this obscure thing and it wasn't cool at all. Nobody's like, oh, Hungarian, that's awesome. It's stoked. Yeah, I love that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody knows anything about Hungarians, like it's not glamorous. And I think when you do grow up different, it's not the thing, like you, I just wanted to be like everybody else, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, yeaah, I guess it's just interesting where you're like, oh yeaah, but if you really do grow up different, it's not fun. It's like, you just wanna hide that. You wanna hide the fact that your mom


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you know, my mom made me cow brains for dinner and you're just like, I don't want anybody knowing that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, if you've ever gotten into a helicopter, they tell you to crouch down severely because it's an optical, I think an optical illusion now, like how fast the propellers are misleading how much height you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss him, I love him when he comes. I didn't notice he has a snowflake around his neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, Tom, because it's, uhm, a genuine plea. It's his earnest wish. And it's not this convoluted thing of, I'm your boyfriend, let's role play, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you'll notice he didn't put on the disclaimer above 18 yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So something happened in between this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna guess, this is just what I know about TikTok, I'm gonna guess somebody on the talk reported him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, hey, there's this weird guy out there just asking for boo picks and he's gonna have, you know, miners might do it. And then he probably got like pulled down from the talk or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't, I don't think the king's intent was ever to ask for bootpicks from miners. Well I'll just tell you right now. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, also what I really like about this video is I know that he's a truck driver and so he's using his spare time which is really resourceful and really cool. But maybe choose an area of the parking lot where semis aren't backing up and you can hear the constant beeping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, hey farts. I'm like, no, no, no. Tits slop. Yeah, sloppers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How funny do you think it is? Farts. Yea, sloppy. Your big- Get your big sloppy tits over here. You always say that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone snuck in there, yeaah. He started a little dialogue with someone that he wasn't supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, TikTok will suspend your ass. That's why you see a lot of these people disappear and then they open up a new account with a new username and everything. It happens quite frequently to the lunatics that I follow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, it's a really easy process, you just email him, and then he writes back to you, and then you send-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the deal, is that he doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage. If he respects the sanctity of kings and queens. He does! He does! But he wants to take me out on a date, babe. I don't date other guys. I haven't dated other guys in a million years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is awesome. That was submitted by Kyle O'Brien of the That's Not Funny podcast and he's a huge mommy. So shout out Kyle. That was amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the queen likes those videos. Yep. The POV is when it went a whole new direction creatively for the king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like, oh, Pigsnauts, you know what I like, when he says, good morning, pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda neat. That's a nice way. Like, like, good, good morning pigs. You know, like, the king's halfway there with his phrasing. He doesn't really have it. But good morning pigs is nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dangling hog. He's got something on his peener again. Is it the penis cage? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let us face it, ladies. Anything less than four inches is not a cock. It is a cunt. Ha ha ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it goes. Sex for this retarded faggot cock sucking loser is limited to sucking other male pig creatures cocks and swallows their disgusting pig poo. Oh, and jerking off to internet porn. Wow. He really likes to be demeaned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's his dong. Permanently locked. Oh, his dick got locked, hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves it. Oh, I think he got panties tattooed on around his dong. Is that new too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm glad he's back in action. I do think this is, this is what he enjoys, so. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really great to have something to go to like Babel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't feel like going on social media all the time. I feel like I want to enrich my life. I want to do something meaningful. And Babbel is great because it's 15 minute lessons, uhm, that make it the perfect way to learn a language on the go. Unlike the infamous language classes you took in high school, Babbel designs their courses with practical, real world,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real world. Real world conversations in mind. Uhm, and also it uses repetition. It's great. It's so intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have 14 different languages to choose from, including Spanish, French, Italian, and German. Right now, when you purchase a three month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to babbel.com and use promo code mom. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Code mom for an extra three months free babble language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, is that all of these bachelors have horribly undesirable home lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not a winner in the bunch. So when you watch the show, the whole time we're like, gosh, which one of these awful scenarios would I be willing to endure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not a lot. This is really rough. My favorite is there's this, there's this, uhm, drunk guy who lives near Bourbon Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In New Orleans, right? He's like a 30 year old guy. He's a partier. He likes to party. He likes to party. Yeah. And she spends 30 hours flying from Ukraine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they all have a lot of lip filler too. By the time they're 25, like, full filler in the lip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it really is a testament to his severe alcoholism. Yeaah. That's the thing. His first thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, she goes, she goes, people can just drink on the streets? And he's like, yeah, it's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a- I- I imagine it's what like Tijuana is like, like, hey man, we got a senior of frogs!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, no, no, she goes, she goes, I didn't expect USA to be like, uh, you know, perfect sparkling, but this is disgusting. She goes, she goes, Ukraine is cleaner than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also, so he's like, I want you to meet my mom, because we're going to get married. And he's like, we, what we do out here, because my mom lives kind of far out in the sticks is we spend the night at the person's house. She's like, nope, I'm not spending night at mother's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one. That one's worse. This one. And so there's this nice guy. Never happy. Never. It's our plus. You know what I'm talking about. Nothing pleases her. No. And so this guy lives out in the sticks in Washington. He's actually really nice. I think he's the most together of the guys. But he lives with his uncle slash cousin, Beau.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine she's getting out of the shower and she's in her towel and Uncle Bo is there staring at you? That's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beyonce shows up at the airport, brings flowers. She doesn't like them because she doesn't like purple flowers. She's like, that's crazy. Who says that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, it, it, it, it's such a great show. This season's impeccable. If you ever want to get on board with the show, the time is now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like that the villains are German, which is kind of a throwback, because you don't see many German villains in this day and age. Usually they're Middle Eastern now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's getting in the subway. Get eyes on him. Why can't I hear this? Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a, he's a normal, above normal looking, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's excessively, he's an excessively handsome guy. He kinda reminds me of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's got an a- I just liked him. I like- I like all these silly movies. And what I like about Jason Bourne, I like that he's kind of a regular looking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is great for the character. Which is as a spy. I guess perfect. Yeaah. And he's really jacked in that first born movie. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because at the end of the day, they're just people and you're not really friends with them. And you kind of have a familiarity because you've seen him in movies. Yea, I want to pull a chair up and be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And also, I wish there was a Jason Bourne school I could go to to learn all the cool stuff that he did, you know, at the Timothy Treadstone Treadwell School. Yeah, there is, by the way. There is a school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, but I wanna know the secret shit where he's like, you know when he's with the German girl in the first movie, and he's like, how do I know that in the parking lot, I know the license plates of seven cars, how do I know that that exit is there, and how do I know that that guy weighs


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like, I like how he knows that. He's just well trained. And he's like, and I like when they're in, in uhm. Cause you know what happens when you're really well trained? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spy shit, right? I want like ten different passports and identities and shit. That'd be kinda cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that night, I think it was before we had kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny because what I've noticed in all these Jason Bourne movies is he never eats, he never sleeps, he doesn't shit, and he definitely didn't masturbate in all of these movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in the best cuisine. Yeah, this shit's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we also watched Basic Instinct, which I think held up pretty well. If you look at Sharon Stone, cause we remember watching


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gorgeous. And by the way, 1992 standard of hotness is different than 2020 because that bitch is all natural. You understand? Like her teeth are natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitches didn't get work done back here, so she's like au naturel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gorgeous. God, she's stunning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's 30! And you know what too, is that when this movie came out, I remember people were like, Dude, you see her vag! But I never actually saw it when I was in the, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now we got to freeze frame it and see her vag, which was really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I saw vagina labia. Google her vagina so we can look at it now. I saw it, I saw it. This is what's important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw like, uh, a vulva. I saw it. I saw the meat. Yeah, there's the meat. You can see the meat in the right light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, I saw, like, go, go more vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause there's one, there's her meats. You can see it. Babe, I'm trying to see. The left meat. The left one. You can really see her meat more. There, see? See? The slit. Okay, hold on. You can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're looking at Sharon Stone's beef right now. Isn't that wild? She's like legit a huge star. Dude, that beef has not squeezed out any kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're beautiful when they're erect. Beautiful? Yea, of course, penises are gorgeous. Why do you think they carved David nude, not covered up? But soft. Look at his dong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah, dude! Now this is what I'm talking about, this is gonna put some pep in my fuckin' stat, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, by the way, I've been curating these for weeks now. Our schedule got all messed up because of your accident and the COVID and blah blah blah. So this is, I'm seeing these for the first time in weeks. I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neesweet, I think what I wanted out of this talk was like, maybe help him improve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think you should be like, this is my cat muffins, and I like to pet her every day. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a present talk and he's bragging that he gets name-branded Pantene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I must say, I've used many conditioners in my life. Pantene really fucking works. And Traceme, and that's some cheap ass shit from like Rite Aid. Traceme all day bros, like don't even spend the money on an expensive conditioner. Just get that Pantene. It's, he's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And I think it's real. I don't think this is a stage. That definitely feels real. That was real as fuck. I love the tone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah bro. I would have put the camera on him too though, if I could get a two way. Yeah, yeah. Dude, her manicure too is on point. How's Haley? Who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is cool, right? You know, one time when I toured the military, I think we were in Afghanistan, they let me get attacked by a German Shepherd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they put that suit on you so that when the dog bites you it doesn't hurt. And the suit's really, really heavy. And it is fucking terrifying to have a German Shepherd running at you and biting your arm. But they, you know, they command it right away to stop. It's terrifying as fuck. But it's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, a little background. She was a drug addict, surprise. Did a little bit of meth-y meth, and got those tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, she said that, she said the eyes didn't hurt, it was the lips that hurt. I would have guessed the eyelids and then under the eyes would have hurt excruciatingly, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather have this done to your face, or just lose your left arm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not gonna come off. It's gonna, it's gonna fade so she'll look like she just has, she used to have face tats. But it's not gonna be like normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you come up with a cool story for the arm. You're like, I lost it in Vietnam or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nizov! Face tats, or are missing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but no one's gonna hire you cause you look batshit crazy with those facial tats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uhm, this way I had three kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my husband don't like me because I was fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, it's 2021, can we stop with comments like this?


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[Assistant] You don't need to tell me that I have value in a patriarchal society because of my physical appearance. It has been hammered into me since birth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were giving me so much shit over not squashing bugs. Over here, you won't even feel the bad things that you were complaining about. You're not gonna smell it, you're not gonna taste it, and you won't even eat your husband's scrum. I think that's bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think I'm completely normal. Someone DM'd me some time codes.


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[Assistant] I feel like probably what happened was maybe some ice. Like all it takes is, like I've seen things where it's like people tape a penny to a helicopter blade and as it's going it like spins everything out of control. Like the tiniest imbalance will cause it to like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the cool thing about like, uh, with this whole injury thing, I think I'm more okay with seeing these injuries now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was gonna say the same thing that Tom said because of your interactions with people. Yeaah. You'll get a lot more sympathy missing an arm than you will having a skull tattooed on your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, yeah. I'm a righty, you know? You figure out whatever you did with your left, just figure it out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we appreciate the good job that you have done for the state of Indiana. Goodbye, Connie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, your dog has only a month to live. That's not long. Uhm, I've been there with three other dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all had cancer and all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything's possible. What if you get shot, robbed, beaten, stabbed? I don't know, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm back in studio. It's good to be back. Uhm, and uh, the seat next to me is empty this time. Last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was here, I was gone, I'm here, she's gone. It's a fun game that we're playing these days. Uh, if you didn't hear, I had, uh, suffered a horrific


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, basketball related injury that we have in 4K in multiple camera angles that we're debuting on our New Year's Eve live show, Two Bears Live. Burt Kreischer and I are going to be doing it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to review all the footage because we played together that day with TristanJazz. And uhm, yeaah. It's going to be the first time. I've seen it. And I showed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To a trauma surgeon. And he winced. He was like, oh, I don't want to do that again. I was like, what? I was like, this is what you deal with. And he was like, that's terrible, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Torn patella tendon, uh, broken, snapped in half, humorous, big bone up here, and I bruised my radial nerve. I didn't damage it, I didn't sever it, I bruised it, which is why I have the hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, the fun thing about a bruised radial nerve, if you don't know, it controls, you know, wrist flexion and finger extensions and movements, numbness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, so what's like, you know, the forecast here? And they go, well, your nerves will just regenerate and it'll just come on. Cause you didn't, you didn't damage it. And I go, well how long? And they go, well the fastest we've ever seen it happen is three weeks. And I go, that's not that bad. And I go, what's the longest you've seen it happen? And they go, 21 months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Talkin' bout three weeks or two years, and they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll just have to wait and see. And they go, it's not gonna take that long for you. I go, well, how long do you think it'll take? And they go, months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, cool man, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Uhm, yeaah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let me see here, my computer's a little, alright. Yea, it always says, do you wanna run this update? And I always say tomorrow. I assume that's what everybody does. Wanna run the update? Tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, why am I here? Christina's not here. So I went from, uh, hospital to home to another hospital, and then when I left the hospital after my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surgeries, after they put me back together, they're like, you can't go home. You're too immobile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you need to recover more. So I went to a, uh, rehab and recovery center, you know, um, that has like machines and therapists and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay there for a few weeks to try to get better. Uh, that's where I was when I zoomed in on the last episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, wasn't feeling well when I, for a couple days, you know, but I was also coming off Oxy's and, uh, a lot of tears. Wasn't expecting that. Yup. Just crying a lot. Uhm, so when I left there, I went home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as soon as I got home, I was like, I hadn't been home. I got injured December 1st. I get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it's December. What was it? I can actually tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it was pretty close, it was pretty close to uh, to Christmas I think. Yeaah, I went home the 19th. Right? Yeaah, the 19th I go home. I hadn't been home since the first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as I get home, I get a notification that I'm COVID positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brought that home, which was a cool feeling. And then, uh, I was lucky, my symptoms weren't that bad, you know. I mean, I didn't feel good, but I felt worse before I got home. So by the time I got home, I was like, oh, I don't feel that bad. And they're like, yeah, but you know why you felt kind of shitty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my symptoms were like diarrhea, uh, achy, fatigue, I was tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it. That was it for me. Uh, I brought it home. I gave it to Christina. And, uh, her symptoms were even more mild than mine. So she had, uhm, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, loss of smell. She was kinda, kind of tired one day. That was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it for her. Uhm, so I had to, I weighted out my, my, my,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From when my symptoms onset, I waited uhm, what is it, 14, 15 days now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a negative test result, uh, yesterday. So I was able to come in waiting that period of time. She's still in her window because she got it after I initially did. So that's why she's not here. And that's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a great month. Now, we have some special...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. We have some special stuff planned for today. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna go over some of the all time greatest top dog calls. Some of them are so far in the archives that they're audio only. Uh, a number of them. This is before we were shooting with video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them, the first one I want to start with is a legendary call that, uhm, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That really opened people's eyes to who my dad is and what's important to him. Uhm, I don't even remember, do you, Nadav, did you listen to the show that far back or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DJ Orlando Airport. Yeah, I remember bits of this story, but, uh, you know, I don't remember the call, like this call, so this should be fun. By the way, did you miss me? Were you worried about me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a wild month, man. You know the thing that like people keep asking because they'll be like, hey man, you know, it's not that big a deal. You know, like you break your shit and you get, and you heal and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It isn't that big of a deal. You're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is that when you have something like this, you realize that it just, it takes hold of your time in a way that then fucks with everybody else's time. You know? That's the part that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the burden is like for the first few weeks, you're like, Oh, I'm not in charge of anything. Like people are just telling me snow, just sit here and like, and then, I mean, you need assistance to like, I can turn the air conditioning down, you know, like crazy shit like that. And then you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, at most you can handle as like an email or a phone call for a few minutes. But then you're like, you know, so then I don't have my own time. Then other people who rely on me for time are like, well, you're not available. And that's the part that's like a burden, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, yeaah. And we were here December 1st. And I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, and I also jumped in the lobby. I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we, uh, should we start with the, uh, the first one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. Let's do it. Alright, so this is from episode 45 of Your Mom's House. This is my dad with the Orlando shit story. This will be a rush down memory lane for me too because I do not remember how this played out really at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my life, by the way, with my father. Every phone call, every time I ever, or even if he calls me, there's a full volume television in the background, and I go, can you please turn that down? Every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was him expressing, oh shoot, is the expressing disappointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize it right then actually in conversation I thought he was saying oh shoot in the moment about something that just happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was actually saying like, you know, when you go to take a shit and nothing comes out, you go, oh shoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, fuckin' really. Cause you know what, I think the older you get, you realize some of the best things are the simple things that we all do. Cleaning your ears out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a real good point, man. And I, and I, I would not be so, I hope you guys start bringing that good Charmin, as my dad says, on flights with you. Pull that out. Pull out that roll and be like, I'm gonna take a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What they'll, what will happen is some people will see you leaving the bathroom and they'll be like, did you just take that toilet paper out of the bathroom? And you'll be like, no, this is my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe me, I only do it when there's no other option. The worst is, I'll tell you, the worst plane to shit on are regional jets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Salt Lake to Denver. It's an hour flight. So it's like, I can hold this an hour, right? And then you get the realization, no, you can't. It's one of those doors that barely shuts. And like you pull your leg in. The accordion door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is my favorite part is that he's got so many shit stories that he had told me one and then he's actually telling me another one and I have to actually put him back on track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, I thought you said, he goes, oh, that was two days ago. Never, this is a different story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. See, the thing is when the people that complain about brown, let me tell you something. Brown is universal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his pants and his underwear down by his ankles, walked out to the sink to wet some paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So somebody, anybody could have walked in, it was a two-stall bathroom, and seen my dad, dicking balls out, underwear around his ankles, just being like, I'm just wetting some paper, I got a white, got a real messy one here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Yeah, I actually was like, hey, where's this Orlando airport story coming? I didn't realize it was at the tail end of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, that's, that's quite the story. Dad, uhm, that's the famous...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause now I remember he was telling the story about shitting at the office and then it prompted the Orlando story from him. Which leads us into the next episode actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episode 46, uh, I've heard this story many times. Uhm, if you talk about shitting with my dad, it's absolutely one of his favorite topics. And if you are talking to a shit expert like that and you happen to ask, hey, do you know the biggest shit you ever took with my father?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The answer is immediate. Miami. Um, and it was on a family vacation. I remember that specifically and he must have told it, um, on this call. So it's, uh, this one is quicker. We can jump into it, see what, uh, what the details of the biggest shit he ever took.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he shit himself in there and then he, he didn't have any underwear and it still was on his pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is the right spot. The Orlando airport. I was just, you know, making the observation that he really does have some smelly dumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes into the fact, he just launches into a memory. Okay, I'll just let it play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, by the way, 1986, three years old, he said I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There he is. Top dog. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good. If you like sex, you'll love Bluechu.com. Who doesn't like sex? Don't you want to have more of it and be super hard while you're doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, BlueChu.com is affiliated with physicians who work with you to find the dosage and active ingredient that is best for you. The chewables from BlueChu can be taken on a full or empty stomach. See, that part doesn't matter. It's just what's below your stomach that gets super hard that matters most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, the online position console is free, so it is cheaper than those other two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It only takes a few minutes to connect with a Bluetooth.com affiliated physician. If you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. What is better than that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a great deal for you guys. Visit BlueChew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code YMH. Just pay $5 in shipping. That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W.com. The promo code is YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Mercari. We all have extra stuff lying around or hidden away in a closet that isn't being used anymore. A lot of it is probably in great condition and someone else could get a ton of use out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why not do something with that? That's why we use Mercari, the marketplace app that makes it easy to give unused items a new life when they get rid of them. So it's a simple way to say goodbye by selling your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So someone who actually wants it, when a buyer says hello, you make some good money. Once you download Mercari, you just have to take pics of your stuff, add a description, and it's listed. When it's sold, Mercari makes it easy by emailing you a shipping label so you can box it up, your item, and you send it to its new home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super easy, super great way to, you know, sell something that is not getting used anymore in your home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your stuff might be exactly what someone else is looking for, so turn your goodbye into their hello on Mercari. Start buying and selling when you download today from the app stores or at mercari.com. That's M-E-R-C-A-R-I. Mercari, your marketplace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, those are two of his all-time classic stories, the Orlando airport and the Miami record-setting shit that he knows happened in 1986 and he often fondly recalls. Was your dad like that by chance? Did your dad tell shit stories?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if that's just like a dad being like, this is the only escape I have left. Kinda thing. You know what I mean? For your dad to be like, I'm gonna be in here an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying though. So then you guys would like knock on the door like, hey dad, are you going to take us to whatever? He's like, when I'm done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. He's just doing it to like, have a space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I definitely look at the time that I have to go as permission to escape. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, they're at the age, you know, sometimes they'll just pound on the door or open the door and they're like, hey, and you're like, what dude, what? You know, and they're so young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I've, I mean sometimes the incessant knocking, you're like, what do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they're young though. Couple more years they're going to be like, ugh. But yeaah, they're pretty young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're jumping ahead here, episode 225.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a conversation I've had with my dad many times and the fact that I got him to share it with an audience is pretty spectacular. It's about the fact that he, he, he's always


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very in tune with what his farts smell like. And the reason is because he knows that they inform him about what's going to happen next. And he must have shared it on this call. That's what it says in the description. So from episode 225, let's go right ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like breathing so hard into the phone. Like it's such a, this is such a noisy call. I'm already irritated. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it's been like 10 years since I've heard- it's the breathing, the fucking breathing is making me insane. I don't know if I can get through this call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the breathing used to really irritate me. So my dad, I used to call him at his office, you know, when he was working. And every time I'd be like, you know, like, hey dad, he'd go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I go, hey, like after I go, do you mind not breathing into the phone? He goes, it's how I breathe. And I go, but you're, you know that you're breathing into the mouthpiece. Like you hear it. If you're talking on a phone, like a, you know, an office phone and you breathe into the mouthpiece, you hear the air. He's like, it's just how I breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, uh, so you told me last week that you farted on the way to work, and then you knew what kind of shit you were gonna take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, yeaah. And then how was it when you, the other day when you said you farted in the car on the way to work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so the other thing is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You called me and you said you had, you're like, you know, I've been thinking about, and I had no idea what you were going to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you said I was thinking that morning shits don't smell as bad as shits during the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could have some real fire before you go to bed, you know, eat something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty intense. That just cooks in you all night and then you can take a really stinky shit in the morning. Right? Am I right about that? Am I wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't mean fire as in spice, I just mean that like something-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you're saying for you, mornings are not as bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so proud. I've left, I've left the movies with you before. That's true. That's true. You have. I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, yeaah, that's true. So we'll, we'll definitely do that. We'll definitely do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully when we're up in Canada we'll see some road beef too, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really? I mean they have the full variety. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I guess so. I guess so. Yep, like father like son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, this, this reminds me, so many people think it's, I'm saying road beef all the time. It's road beef. B-E-A-V-E. Beaver. Road beef. Not road beef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Unbelievable. That guy really likes talking about shit, if you haven't. I mean, it has since infected me, you know, like, I talk about it, but I think you can, like, if you were gonna do a study on me and you're like, what's the origin, why, why is he like this? It's like, look at, look how he was raised.