[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the same video, Dylan Wisecarver says, Oh my God, honestly, I could not play this game. It looks so amazing. It is also one of my greatest fears, which is to be alone in a large body of water. Yeah, absolutely. I wish he was here for this one, but he didn't want to play because of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, we'll see. RackshitJune on the same video says the lightpods are not empty, they have notes in them, just in case you didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Doraleous mentioned doing 25 push-ups before taking a shower. It's 30 now. I've been doing, well he's been doing that and added 25 sit-ups, bitch. Yeah. Now you're pushing it. I feel better than ever. Trying to kill him? Still kind of fat, but my chest feels amazing. It's good to have, that's a great feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still won't do it, and if I did do it, I would avoid showering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really wouldn't. So you'd avoid showers to not do pushups? To get out of being like, ah, I don't feel like doing it right now, I'll take a shower tomorrow, I'll do the 25 pushups tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Scrap. Oh. I'm on Scrap, bitch. Oh, Scrap. I'm in. And it's the theater one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite. And listen, El Giacomo says, this was wonderful. Excellent work on the theater and Sets Duralias. My vote for the next play, Pulp Fiction. Not the whole movie obviously, but a few iconic scenes would be cool. And I agreed with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, I've got two mo- should I go ahead? Twelve years of slaves?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you get rid of the gold to make room for more gold? Yeah. So, listen, I have something interesting. This is the last comment, and I don't know what video was on, but I know when I saw it, I wanted to save it. I supported this. Ryan Palmatier says, okay, needs. Let's get to the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. I thought that was interesting. Good enough to end on. I enjoyed it. Agreed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thank you guys for the comments and keep em comin' and have a good one guys. Yeaah, take care folks! Swipe the card y'all!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of his acting reel. I like to act. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ showed up. He descended from heaven. He was there at our booth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what, I'm super jealous because this really sounds awesome. Oh, it gets better. Oh, keep going then. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a lot of these pictures on Twitter, and there was one where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they could send it to third world countries who need soap. We're really talking about this right now? Yea we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, next year, if we all go, what I would like to do, because I know it was like a very quick trip. You guys got there, you hit the ground running, and then, you know, a few days later you got on a plane. Felt like a week. I would like to spend an additional couple days in Austin, because I heard it's an amazing place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing, okay. Yeah, yeah, I told this story before. It's not worth telling again, but yeah, I would like to face it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, they're like flying Doberman Pinschers. Ah, they're adorable. Doberman Pinschers are cute. They are, but when they have wings they're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, that was just his name. Just trying to change the subject.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See kids, you can do anything. These guys had such balls. You know, like to actually say, I'm gonna be a singer. And people around him in the beginning, they're probably like, what the fuck are you talking about? I respect you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you use it on your drives going back home and you use it on your way to work. You learn stuff when listening. I love music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks fun. I didn't. You didn't? No. We should watch it and then we can talk. Yeah, there you go. Pull it up, Nibs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we're looking at a combination of Gladiator, The Hunger Games, Marvel, that's what I think, and it looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started to watch, uh, I know you touched on it once before. I started to watch OJ, the OJ thing. So that's gonna be, I think that's gonna be a series like, there's only one season of this, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and Narcos might come back. Right, and that's what I'm talking about. I didn't know if it took two seasons to show him get away. How far did you make it? Uh, first two episodes. Oh, do you like it? Oh yeah, Cuba. Good for him. He plays OJ. He does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unboxing it right now in front of us. This is time management, sir. Okay. Two birds, one stone. Unboxing podcast. So it's done been unboxed. We're looking at it right now. Yeah, but we're gonna show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. It's like four times the size of the hundred thousand. Is there a, uhm, tape measure here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're sitting there, we look out the window and I don't know if they were Mexican or Peruvian or where they were from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like seven grown men, it looked like children walking in. They were like... They were, yeaah, I've never seen a group of men that small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're done with that. Yeah, it's not interactive. I'm not done. This is a big deal for me. Yeah, it's great!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though it's just, uh, a thing. It's a thing. That you hang on the wall. To me, I'm excited about it. I quit getting excited about trophies and stuff like that a long time ago, but for me, this is still, like, special. Well, it's cause your mom just bought them for you. Yeah. Well. Yeah. For participating. You didn't even bowl. I thought they counted like 30 bowling trophies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I actually just, uh, my dad called me because he had some of my trophies stored in his attic and he's like, you want these? I'm like, no. Nope. They're tacky. Throw them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've been there ages ago. Um, it just needs something, like a longer runway with hurdles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was reading Entrepreneur Magazine while waiting, and they were talking about trends, people that start trendy businesses like Zumba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, murder mysteries. That's another one that was kinda big for a while, then kinda died off, but some people still do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've been to maybe two. Yeaah. And they were both bad. Yeaah. So, but I bet there are ones that have been done well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's sad is there's a lady that sells churros and I've never seen anyone buy a churro from this lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, but if no one's buying it, you gotta change your strategy, don't ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Well listen, when you open an Almond Joy, you can see little strands of coconut and a nut in there. Oh I know. When you open one of Thick's Apolos, what's in that? That's just some sort of gelatin mush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it could go the other way. I think someday, in the future, someone might remember like, oh man, I used to always watch this channel when I was a kid. And now that person's dead and gone and we're auctioning off this gold play button. It could be worth money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know the media is messed up just when you live through a hurricane. And you happen to live in the city that the hurricane's hitting, and people are calling you like, oh my!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we did have a bad storm recently. Right. It was the flooding that really... Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it takes less time. Yeah, good stuff. Media should be like, when you hear a rumor, you should go, I'm gonna ask Steve. Well, Steve said this, I'm done. You gotta ask everybody, don't ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no powers. If you were on an island with a bunch of people, would you say, I hope I get all the food? If I was playing Survivor on that show, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, not really, because there's nothing there. Yeah, well that's true. It's like none of us have been to south of the border in ages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they- SpaceX has had like what, nine, ten launches now and they've had only two mistakes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never had a car that the engine light wasn't on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would just be like on the back of your leg and it would sting and you'd be like, okay, I'm not gonna touch that anymore. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it depends on the parent. A parent that uses it, like, when you're too young and you don't understand positive versus negative reinforcement, and you're like, your communication skills are like, oh, that's dumb. Okay, don't touch that. Millennials can't relate to any of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think though, some people, elders, need to explain things. When you tell someone they can't do something, you gotta explain why. You can't say cause I said so, or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens to everybody in almost every profession. I don't think you have to combat that. Like I had a job once leading camping trips around the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a great job. But I had co-workers that were so tired of their passengers. And that happens if you're a mechanic and you're dealing with people like Thicke every day. Or you're a teacher and you're dealing with students. But you signed up for this job. If you don't like it, do a different job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be hard to be a teacher. Parents, dealing with parents gotta be a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can, you can have access to facts instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my point. Learning facts is very easy. I also think it could affect your ability to be creative because instead of, you know, when I was a kid, I would just like think a lot or draw or just create things. But if you're constantly being influenced by something you're seeing, you're not creating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I judged a movie based on how you start it and if you're gonna keep someone's interest for the rest of the movie. When you're busy. If I had time to kill, fine. Well, this is for the job. Well, I mean, but at the time when he watched the first game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sick of crab legs? Well, I've never had so much access to crab legs that I got the chance to get sick of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit. Kinda like Birdman, they just moved on. Right. This can't get any better. From here out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well listen, you can download this. We're not, not just yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I just got off the phone with the guy who sold me the car. Who's Barry? Yeah, who's Barry? Oh, Simon. Barry's the guy that sold you the car. Yeah, I knew it. Does he need it back? Oh no, I, I... Are you happy right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Barry? He is, if you think I'm emotionally unstable, woo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he call you with problems? Like life problems? No, it's funny. It's like I had an issue with my headlights. I said they're pointed down a little bit and he's like, listen, they're older. You might need to get new ones. They're sagging. I don't know, man. I don't know if I want to talk about this right now. No, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not. Not a big deal. I just want a car to get from point A to point B and right now I have one and I'm happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can get into all four doors. Oh my god. Who's living large? Air conditioning, heat, radio, all of them. Does it have a tape deck? CD. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I used to love when I was a kid? Do you guys ever go to south of the border when you were a kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one of the things when I was growing up was we'd go to Florida every year and they used to back in the day, give away the bumper stickers. So they were free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was very good, yeaah. They shouldn't tell you though, hey, you want the chicken and rice? You should say curry in there somewhere. It's like chicken and rice, I'm thinking, oh, it's gonna be chicken and rice. Pretty plain dish, okay, that's gonna be simple. I did not like the curry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, I got a hodgepodge of clothes that are kind of respectable, that made me look like, uh, an English teacher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a 7-Eleven down the block from the hotel that took it. They took it? Okay. Do they have two different registers? Not this trip. How do they deal with that? Not this trip though. Oh. That one near the Revol?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well that's fine, I can manage that. That stuff's crazy. Magic. I love, okay, I didn't watch any of it like this year, but I like America's Got Talent. I like all the talents, like they're all over the world, but the magic shit is probably my favorite shit to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was fun. He looked like, uh, Charlie Chaplin. Yeaah, he was dressed like that. He was dressed in kind of a creepy way. I think I would have liked it a little bit more if he looked normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna do pet peeves again? It's just something that bothers me. Okay, let's hear it. When you go to get gas, and they're asking you if you want to buy lottery tickets, and they're asking you if you want to get a fucking car wash. Well, you don't go in to buy gas, do you? But you swipe the thing. On the machine. Oh, and they ask you on the machine? I haven't seen that. Lottery ticket. I've never seen a lottery on the machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's ridiculous. Where do you buy your gas? Gas stations like Exxon or BP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, those gas stations are pretty basic gas stations, and they all fi- Those are the ones I go to. And they're trying to like, pump a bad habit on you, like, it's not- It's like, remember, you have this gambling problem, hey, you wanna get your fix? Yeah. You know, it's bullshit. Fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the reason why I share them is because of like a reminder to myself, which I don't usually cook, but it's like, if I'm going to cook, those are the things. They make it look so easy. A lot of them are very simple. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can smell burps. You're driving me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really wanna go here? Because all the times that I've ever said to you, who the fuck just burped, you say me. So every fucking, almost every time when I do it, you admit to it. So obviously I know what a burp smells like, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just making up shit now just to get a rise out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was very, very picky as a kid. So was I. I was too. And I grew into, at some point I went from really picky to, what is that, pickled tongue? Sure, I'll try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make it look like that I was eating it, then I'd spit it out into the napkin and then do it until most of it was gone and then I'd take the napkin, go into the bathroom and flush it down the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black Tuesdays is a restaurant. People are like throwing themselves out the windows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ate bugs. You did, didn't you? Yeah, but they were along with tasty bugs on top of brownies. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically crickets, if not- A lot of cricket action. Basically cafeteria food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just, uh, when I was eating, there happened to be a group of kids close by, eating the bugs, tasting them, reacting to them, and uhm, talked to them, and then before you know it, we're over there, and there was this kid, he's like, you're a YouTuber? I was like, uh, yeaah. He's like, so am I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, just seemed like a cool kid and I was like, go ahead and pimp out your channel. He pimped out his channel. I think he had eight subscribers and now he's got like 1700. Pimp it out again. Uh, pizza craft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he had 8 of his own, to be fair. The best part of it, it was a great indicator on how fucking wonderful our community is. Because the comments on his page and stuff like that is so much love and support that it kinda, it brought a tear to my eye. It was pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, I know we're a gaming channel, but what, there was a- That comment's actually from the kid. Yeaah. There was a cockroach race in the video, so to be fair, that was a game. Gaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people had the problem with the earrings too. I noticed that. Oh really? Yeah, there were some earrings. I had them when I was in high school and then I got them pierced the day I got out of the Marine Corps to remind myself that I was a civilian again. So I guess I'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my buddy, Joe Mavison in Minnesota, who I just, I threw that name out there. He's like talking about his agent getting in touch with me. He called me the other day. He told me how, how many views the video had and he's like, so what do we do next? I was like, you didn't do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not gonna happen. I just realized something. The whole Marine Corps, the bark is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're probably the same way as I when I started playing scrap, like immediately after I would lay down to go to bed and I'd be thinking of what I want to build next. It kind of just gets in your mind and it's hard to shake out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like a super steep incline? I dunno. Simon, I think you should get your eyebrow pierced. No, we're not gonna keep any of this because I'm leaving this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sing the outro song you worked on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it gives more content. You're gonna cut out. I have segments here. Awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, listen, I think that'd be cool, like uhm, you know, having to build your own house out in the wilderness and hunt and survive would be a cool game. Wouldn't feel like Red Dead Redemption. And that trailer wasn't really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at least do something. I know it's a teaser. One thing I saw in the trailer that was interesting that the first game didn't have, it looks like the wildlife interacts more with each other. I think I saw a coyote come out of the woods and grab a rabbit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think there was one scene where vultures were pecking on a dog or a dead animal. So I wonder, is there some sort of decaying system? Is there a little bit more of an ecosystem? I don't know. That'd be awesome. It's just attention to detail. That's what the first Red Dead had in droves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can use it on your television, but then like, oh, you're taking a plane trip out to Los Angeles. You can take it with you. It'll like, the controllers will pop off of the controller and they'll hook up onto like a tablet. And then now you can just take your Nintendo with you. It's cartridge based. Inspired by Wii U, I'm sure. To me the most interesting thing with that one was they're getting off of the disc format. They're going back to cartridges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's news. Yeah, it's a new console from Nintendo, so we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're watching. I've been watching, uhm, South Park. They're new seasons out. Been enjoying that. Season 20, I believe. Wow. It's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they kinda switch formats, like now the format of South Park is much more linear than it used to be. Like it used to be, you know, each episode was kind of its own contained thing, but now it's like you have to watch this entire season to understand what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but I mean it is, it's made for the mall. When, uh, when I was in, uh, the core, uh, we weren't allowed to wear our camis in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first argument was like, I think they, it was like uhm, for like terrorists, you know, because it targets you, but now apparently that's not an issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're wearing a shirt that says Kleenex on it for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god yeah, in the second I went to like the registration I was like, oh this is a fucking cash cow that takes advantage of universities. You're assuming. Right, but I did-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they've got little stations where they're setting up and, and you know, you're sweating and you're wet and they, all this shit's hitting you. And you see people go out of the way so they can get hit more. It's kind of sad, right? Just so at the end of the race, they're more colorful. So for the selfies, you know what I mean? I never heard of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I think it depends where you are. When I left years ago a Broncos game up in Denver, it smelt like a Cypress Hill concert. Walking back to the parking lot. Cause everyone was just like, blaze up time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's actually like a bright addition to otherwise pretty gloomy event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It needs to be more of a celebrating the life type of a mindset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, if I die and I'm in a position where I'm like looking down over whatever, the funeral or something, I don't want anyone to be sad. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They really suck. Funeral amusement park. Funeral amusement park. Yeaah. And they like put my corpse next to you on the roller coaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They rented this machine, this automatic plug-in thing that like chipped and it didn't fucking work at all, so it was all by hand all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's two of us in this office, huh? Yeah. You're like your brother in the other room. Yeah, Anthony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard some people bitchin' about how there's only a few aisles open at like Walmart, but you know why. Self-checkout. Well there's that, but like, they've got that amount of aisles ready for say, Christmas season. You know what I mean? When it's, when they need them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do it with love and kindness. It's a very rewarding part of our night. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had this, cause it kept coming up, that one song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found, uh, just one thing I, I've, uh, saw today that is sandwich related. Oh, I'm in. Up in Vancouver this little sandwich shop put out this moniker that, uhm, Liam Neeson gets, eats for free here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Wow! Was that the only time he's eaten there? Yeah. I think he was working on a movie, locally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I just started something new. What? I don't know why I was reluctant, but I just started, and I'm at the very beginning, maybe three or four episodes in, but the Better Call Saul, since it's on Netflix now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Bob Odukirk's character. I thought it was brilliant to go that route. You like the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've enjoyed it so far, I'm ready for it to develop a little bit more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Breaking Bad quality, and a lot of things that if you watch Breaking Bad, you obviously make the connections.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, Walking Dead made me feel that way. I just didn't like any of the fucking characters. They're so unlikable. That black chick's pretty awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Darryl is alright, but everyone else is just whiny bitches. But then you have a show like Mad Men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another thing, I just, uh, just, not to, uh, gobble this up, but, uh, I just saw the other day that a, uh, science teacher, former science teacher in New Mexico just got busted for making meth with- I saw that headline. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's total breaking bad. Yeah, that's, that's the, the plot. The entire plot of Breaking Bad. Makes sense. I mean, it does. It cooks math. Yeah. Uh, I'm watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When shows milk it, and the networks are telling them, uh, we can get another season out of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they, I feel like they didn't know how many seasons they were going to do. They just kept writing and writing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't come into it when they started the show going this is going to be six seasons or eight seasons. So it's all that filler in between is what makes a mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit. So that's not really a, technically a single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just eat that snaker. Eat that, eat that, eat that snaker. Just eat that snaker. Eat that, eat that, eat that snaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a funny motherfucker who respects women, and I got a huge cock and some nice biceps. And I'm like six foot tall, so that helps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the capitalistic bullshit that you guys fuckin' said. And she's like, okay, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit to get $200 off your next order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just enjoy it. I like it. Last night I made our Christmas village.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were, you were absolutely indifferent. Didn't even compliment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I've been working on this village for years. The village is great. I've perfected the village. It lights up, it moves and twirls. Not so much as a great village, babe. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my dad one time said this to me, and like, it totally made sense and it'll bum you the fuck out. I just wanna- Okay, he goes, you know why they made Christmas, right? And I'm like, why? He's like, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's cold outside, it's depressing and snowy and shitty, so they make something nice in the middle of winter so that you don't feel so depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, the biblical account, like, Jesus was born whenever. In the spring. I don't fucking know. JC was born in the spring. Yeah, because like, I don't remember reading about snow in the Bible. It wasn't like, oh shit, they're walking and there's all this snow. So like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe my dad's fucking right, and it's a bummer. So there you go. Just a holiday, so you won't get depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pittsburgh! Pennsylvania! Pittsburgh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the edge of the earth where people like live at the, what is it, the North Pole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, these people that live intentionally in the darkest places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one time I went to Alaska to do a gig in Anchorage in January. This is when I was really desperate for $500, clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember it being 9am on a Sunday and church bells were ringing and it was just jet black outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when I lived in England for a year, it was dark as shit. It got dark at like 430. Man, that's why they drink so much. Cause there's only like four hours of daylight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he just a video? I feel like I should know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you know, I started weightlifting, not to brag. Yeah, yeah. Pushed around some weight today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to become a lesbo. I don't want to look butch. I don't want to be heavy. And like, I just felt like it was just more dude culture. I do enough dude culture things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand up. I live with three dicks already, dude. It's like, and you were like, why don't you want to do jujitsu? I'm like, cause I don't want to smell guys' assholes in my face. Sometimes they're nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, she was telling me how it was invented, these uh, the Romanian, what the fuck kettlebell, whatever, when you pull up the kettlebell, Romanian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, or whatever, this lifting of heavy objects. She said it's invented because these goddamn weird Ruskies were, uhm, you know, taking heavy bags of whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And taking it off of ships and putting it down or whatever. And she's like, these Russians basically developed a way to squat and use your butt muscles and properly lift things. Pick up and move without hurting your back. Sorry, I'm delirious. I didn't sleep well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I thought that was fascinating and that makes total sense that the Ruskies invented something like lifting heavy shit, screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the chicks that have that too, especially on TikTok, they have to like make a big deal out of it. Of course. Look at it. Like, bitch, okay. Just live your life. You don't have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody gives a fuck about you, I promise. You're the one. You're courting the drama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you had like a really huge dong and your swim coach is like, you gotta tape it, you gotta tape it up. That's always where your mind goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, for those of you, if you haven't been listening to YMH very long, Chris Hansen has been on our show and he's lovely. He's a lovely human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God bless Chris Hansen. He's doing the Lord's work. Are you looking for a meaningful gift this holiday season that your loved ones will actually use and enjoy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finding the perfect holiday gift for a loved one is a challenge every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is why I love Skylight Frames. It's such a unique gift and it's personal and everybody can use it. It's so easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skylight is a touch screen photo frame you can send photos to straight from your phone and they appear in seconds. And it looks beautiful in your home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Photos are displayed in HD resolution. It looks like a real modern photo frame. Set it up in portrait or landscape and the larger 15 inch frame can be wall mounted. Swipe through photos, tap to see new photos sent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you go to skylightframe.com slash house. To get $15 off your purchase of a skylight frame, just go to skylightframe.com slash house. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E dot com slash house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tis the season to skip the in-store rush when the holidays knock answer with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get holiday groceries and gifts delivered fast and enjoy everything you need for hosting and toasting. Make DoorDash your go-to for getting holiday gifts and ingredients right when you need them. You can skip the trip to the store with fast delivery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can stock up on holiday groceries and home goods. Whether it's same day delivery of gifts, groceries, or those last minute party essentials, DoorDash has you covered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With thousands of grocery and retail stores available nationwide, you'll find whatever you need when you need them. As a DashPass member, you can enjoy exclusive offers and perks all season long on stocking stuffers, decor, groceries, meals, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Order now and get the holiday help you need from DoorDash. Use code MOMHOLIDAY to get 50% off up to $10 value when you spend $15 or more at convenience grocery or select retail stores on DoorDash. Terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so great. Oh my god. God. This week, 69 minutes. Oh my gosh, you guys are gonna love it. Everybody busted


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck bro. Listen, I've been so pumped to show this to you. I've been purposely withholding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, homie, so listen, it's this whole lane of TikTok. We're dumb Americans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, all these stands are post-communist dumps. It sucks so bad. They're so dangerous. And these retards, hold on, let me tell you what they're planning on doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These fucking cracker dummies are going through like Turkmenistan on their way to Afghanistan. And this is- Are you retarded? You're gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, they're gypsies, bro. And like, uhm, yeaah. Listen, the only reason I was in the stands


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was because I was with the military. Sure. And if I went out into, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uzbekistan? Look at it. It was with like military personnel. Okay? Okay? These two ding-dongs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same couple and they want to go to Afghanistan. They want to see what's going on in the stands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pamir, this is where the Taliban blows you up too. There's IEDs on that fucking road, dipshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the arrogance of Americans that think they can just go anywhere and do anything. Like don't you get it? This is a really dangerous place, dummy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These Stan countries are awful, okay? I've been to them as part of my duty as an American patriot entertaining our US troops. This is the only reason I put myself here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know, you can take risks in America. There you go. There's lots of things to jump off. That's what I'm saying. There's not going to be a final video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Protection and provisions, these things are not for laypeople to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't I be related to this guy? That's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, have they cancelled Santa Baby yet as a song? Is that considered gross yet? I always thought it was weird to fuck Santa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it too late to add that? No, you can still add it. It's 69 minutes. It's a good closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll tell you what they changed, cause I know there's, so it's, I really can't stay, maybe it's cold outside. I've got to go away, but I can call you a ride. That's added. That used to be, Hey bitch, stay here. It's cold, too cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's convincing her like you can't go out there. This evening has been, I'm so glad that you dropped in. I don't know if that's whatever. So very nice time spent with you is paradise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful, what's your hurry? So he's already like, come on baby, what are you uptight, you stupid bitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. What a fun era for courtship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, my favorite line is so on the nose. Like, look, I get it. That, that song was kinda... I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dog, these bitches are real. See, can I tell you something? The stupid bitch that's backpacking through Tajikistan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These chicks have never been hit. They've never been in a fight. That's why they do shit like going to fucking Kazakhstan and Kubekistan's and Kakistan's. These dummies don't know that violence exists in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a horrible lead in. Like, did we cover it with a great guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause if that had happened in like, Ohio, I'd be like, I trust that guy, but it's JFK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and reward you. Well. You want cupcakes, balloons, banners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what really struck me about Nashville last time I was there? The, the drunk girl culture. Sorry, the, uhm, bachelorette party culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that downtown, it's like, and the thing that really baffled me are these, the buses that you pedal while you get drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, drunks are the worst. Sounds like you have a thing against, uhm, what's this name you mentioned? Well, Kid Rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Ann Wheeler, it made it into the National Enquirer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a million years ago, Tom spent hours taking the Miami sound machine song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He spent hours layering farts into that song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Their daughter's really talented too. I just found her on TikTok. She plays the drums and sings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this girl, Emily Estefan, if she, she's on TikTok, she's really fucking talented. Look at her. She plays the drums like her mom did. Like, you know, them fucking Latin drums or whatnot. She can sing. She's really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. We were just talking about pussy sniffens and smells. How many, well, you had a lot of stinky ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and you know what's really interesting? Uh, female hygiene's so different than male hygiene. For instance, after I work out, immediately I take off whatever I'm wearing and I shower, otherwise... No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day long. This has no effect on your testicles or penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and in the South, I feel like it, handshaking never went away. Even during COVID, like we came out here to look at houses, like we were buying. Everybody's like, how you doing? I'm like, there's a pandemic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It burns the hair off of your skin. It just burns it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I mean, but this is like, hold on though. He is a guy that likes to get laid. He doesn't think this is going to stop him from other guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here's his top ranked one that was literally about to bust, has some good views. Nair on micro penis and balls, a visual guide. Oh yea, and he shows his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't, I mean maybe, but I wouldn't take them out and try to Jenga them fucking later. That's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nor should you. Well, because then it affects how you create, right? And like, you're not creating from the outside in. You should create from the inside out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I don't even wanna talk about it. My whole life is a piss closet. You realize every time- Your house is a piss closet? I sit down on the toilet, on any toilet seat in our house, it's covered in little boy piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's a piss closet. They piss on the, they just, you know that little guy? Got out of the bathtub the other night and just stood in front of me in our bedroom and just pissed on the floor and started laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that shit called, that thing under the dermis, those implants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that's, that's, that's nothing compared to what else this bitch has. She has millions of followers? Yeaah, well she's popular. And then her eyeballs are tattooed black. That's a new thing. Come on, a new thing. We find out it's 20 years old, but we've seen a lot of that on TikTok. The eyeballs blacked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when they do that. It's like just own the tragedy. You don't have to spread it around like that. Like, oh, you've never shit your pants. I actually, I haven't like that. I've sharted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My husband's always trying to get me to eat his ass and I hope that this video will persuade him otherwise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, me too. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, that's a disorder called pica, and it's a mental disorder where people eat things like paint, or dirt, or cat shit, or ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think? We need to just bring back old school taxis. Like, I had to take a taxi the other day home from the Austin airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was so shitty, like the seats duct taped, the guys driving too fast, the windows won't roll up. And I was just so grateful to be in a car going home that I didn't say shit. You know what I mean? Like hey, you're just happy to make it there with your life. I got a ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they have too- the consumer has too much power in this situation. Sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now you're bumming me out, you don't think the lady that eats cat turds is real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly, this is a very useless talent, like, what's he gonna do with this skill? Why even master this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the middle of November. We are about to lose all of our light during the day and I can't wait. I'm so excited. I'm like, what the fuck are you excited about? I stay inside by my fire with my dog. We go for a walk where there's some mild light between noon and 2 PM. It's dark. They love it. Some people love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting that the dick and balls got more views than the titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, that was kind of a whole process, right? Uhm, yeaah, as, as, I mean, really what happened, as soon as it came up, you know, we were looking at the right, uh, venues and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole process, uhm, yeaah, I don't know, I just, again, when I came up with it, it was more of like a funny thing, like, oh, what if, you know? But again, I kinda went into that, assuming that I was not going to win that game. So, uh, still kinda blew my mind, uhm, that that happened, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once I was faced with the reality of it, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I don't, I don't want treads. I don't want hair. It's, it's fine, so. You're rockin' the dome right now, like me. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I think, you know, ten years ago, me, I probably would have really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now yeaah, I don't uhm, it was fun to have as an accessory, you know, growing up and whatever, but I just don't, I actually don't need it. I hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's normal. I think that's normal. So, but I was thinking, I don't know if this is something you'd be interested in, but, uh, you know, you told me how much that was going to be spent on that, which was a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My thought was, what if we put that money instead?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we actually tried to make a hot sauce together. Like a, uh, YMH exclusive hot sauce? Like an actual, the best hot sauce is the best hot sauce. Hot sauce is the best. Yeaah. That one. Sex is the best. Yeaah. We'll do that one next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So you're saying, yeah, we develop our own hot sauce. I mean, yeah, like I've, I've looked into the, you know, uh, kind of the logistics of how it can work and it's actually not a huge barrier to end. The biggest thing would be money to invest. Um, and I don't have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I was given that money for that hair transplant instead, I mean, that's probably where I would put it. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was, uh, that was one of the potentials. Um, but yeaah, didn't make it. I think, I think the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I would just hate to have it end there, you know? Sure. Cause I do, it's like, eh, you know, no hair, it's kinda not really the thing, but to have it end there is kinda, I don't know, it's kinda boring, you know? I like it. I'd love to keep it going. Okay. That sounds exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we work with a co-packer and I imagine uhm, yeaah, they'll give us kind of different, I'll probably lead them in terms of the taste of it, but yeaah, then we uh, kind of keep picking and getting to the right one. I'm down dude. I'm down. Let's do it. Very cool. I mean that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure this morning. Mm-mm. Are you regular now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, pretty much, like, after the, after the basketball thing, that really like- It changed you? Yeah, cause, well, cause I was eating, I mean, I'm not gonna say I was eating right, but I was definitely eating, you know, something other than pizza and fucking chicken wings every single day, so it was, uh, it kinda forced it, you know, I wasn't gonna be able to do my usual thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, kinda just, I don't know, it came to terms with that. I mean, I just realized it was just a habit growing up. For so long, I just kinda needed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty normal, yeaah. Like, I mean, I'm actually surprised that you're saying four laxatives and then it took a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I call and the cop picks up and we start the call like I'm sounding like the interpreter We're about to begin and then bam guy starts signing. He's like fuck you motherfucker Fuck the police you fucking surveilling me. I know you're surveilling me. I'm like, oh, he's unmet


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause every time I come, it's a new and nicer studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're each like a, it's, it's kind of a, it's a history and a comedy and a memoir and it's a, it's subculture vulture, a memoir and six scenes. So each of the sections is one of the subcultures that kind of like created who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew about AA. Yea, I went to rehab three times by the time I turned 15 and got sober at 15 and I've been sober ever since. Pretty wild. Congratulations on that. Thanks. I knew about deafness. Yes, my parents are deaf, my uncles, aunts, cousins, everybody's deaf. Is deaf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was an interpreter actually for 15 years. That was the last job I had before full-time stand-up was Simon's interpreter. Pretty wild. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad, after my mom split with him,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, there's a, there's a goth burning man venn diagram crossover that you missed out on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can bring a tour bus. That's the fucking way to go, bro. You can a thousand percent bring a tour bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worked there for 15 years too, and I went for the first time in 96 when I was 16, and last year was my 24th time going. 24th time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's slightly boring to me at this point, but now I go because I have a streak. Do you have things like that in your life? Like I can't not go because then it'll be over. It's very similar to Duolingo. I speak the, uh, I learn the language of mother ayahuasca every year. No, I don't, I don't. I'm still sober, but I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These days I go with, I almost do nothing, but there were years over the, over the two and a half decades I've been going with, yeaah, I would go with an agenda, but we would always go with like a comedy agenda. Like you know they have art cars, you say like float, we built this art car called The Void, which was uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four, yes. That is one of them. That is five, yes. The sixth is Raves, which is how I got into it. Did you? You must have of the best time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Francisco. I was sober 8 months and I was 15 and I was looking around. I'm at these young people's meetings and I'm the youngest person by 10 years at the young people's meetings. So I was like lonely and I was horny as well. And I, I mean I didn't put it together but in retrospect I was like there must have been horniness involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw a flyer for a rave on a telephone pole and I go, I don't know where I got this from, cause I grew up like listening to gangster rap and like that was like my world, like identity crisis guy. That was my universe, but I was like, I'm going to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I bought a ticket by myself and I went and I, I, I remember I stuffed a bag of escape by Calvin Klein into a sock, uh, just in case I had to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, potpourri sent to blackjack somebody on the way, like that was the mind I entered that party with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got in there and I, I mean it was like, the whole book is about these moments of like, uhm, you know like a doorway where you walk through, it's like Narnia was like that or Star Wars or Harry Potter, you're this like weak, like just powerless, friendless kid and then you walk through a portal and you're like in another universe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I belong. These are my people. I've got superpowers here. I started, I put the bag down with the escape sock and I just like wandered into the rave like every, you know, I'm like people in cat in the hat hats and big Mickey Mouse gloves and shit and I go, these are my people. I start like pirouetting and like doing ballerina dances and this gay couple came and grabbed me and they picked me up in the air and they go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a whole- I was a different- I literally walked through and came out a different person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I did not get high off my own supply. Indeed I did not. But I would see people from the AA meetings sometimes coming. You remember raves? All the drugs get sold at raves like in one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the greatest thing on Haight Street in the 90s. There used to be a project on Haight Street, like a San Francisco housing project. And I saw a gang fight between like the black kids from the projects and the hippie homeless kids. And it was a full physical war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all the black kids had like baseball bats and like 40 bottles and all the hippies, I'm not even making this up, they had like staffs and like crystal juggle, like contact juggling balls and skateboards and shit, but it was kind of an even match. It was like wizards coming by, but then like gangsters on the other side. It was one of the greatest things I've ever seen. Did it, how did it end?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it just sort of exploded and then, and then they all went down to Golden Gate Park and played acoustic guitar together. That's cool. That's very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Power exchange. So you go in, you had to bring up, if you went with a woman, you would get in for a certain amount. If you went solo and wanted to wear your regular clothes, it would be really expensive. If you went solo and wanted to wear a towel, it would be another amount. And then upstairs was the gay men. So that, people were just having a fun time. Downstairs there was this like weird...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The look was extreme disappointment, hour one. And then the straight couples would peel off and go fuck and have people watch them. Uhm, hour two was kind of like mild, uhm, intrigue and con-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, conflicted emotion. And then hour three was like, gangster getting a blowjob from a postal worker in a wig. Like, it was just like, they kinda surrendered to their horniness. And I remember I went and I dropped the girl off, uh, after that, like, goodnight. And I was driving back to Oakland, and I saw the off-ramp, and I saw the power, I already, I had the band on, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do a thing sometimes, they, they kinda hate it. I mean, every comedian kinda does the same thing where they play with- I've never had a bad show with an interpreter, by the way. It's always fun. It's so much fun. It always adds this like weird new dynamic where you have to kinda play with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but usually what comics instinct is, uhm, is to like, make them say something sexual off color and then everybody laughs and we all have a good time and then the interpreter goes home and cries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will do a thing where, cause their job, and no one knows this except me and the deaf people, their job is to not only interpret what I'm saying, but to say what I'm, what I'm, say what the deaf person is signing, right? That's the second half of the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So usually the way you interact with a sign language interpreter is that you say your act and they sign it, right? But there's a second half of the job which is a signing person signs and they take the mic and they say what you are signing. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The deaf person signs, and the hearing interpreter has to speak in English what they're signing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I use it because I'm, I'm, my mom, I, I still sign in my mom, but I'm, I'm rustier than I used to be. When I was right before I transitioned, uh, into full-time stand-up, I was like at the heights of my powers. I was working on the internet, webcams were invented. When I was a little kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I would have to call my mom, and the way that I would call my mom is I would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, me and my friends used to fuck with, I would fuck with my friends and call them and be like, you know, like call my drug dealer. He was very mad when I did this. I thought it was funny, you know, cause I call him and be like, yeah, I need a 20 sack and he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get off the phone, do not ever call me with the, I was like, oh it's fun, it's fun, we're having a good time. But then they invented webcams, and so an interpreter would do it, and it was like, it was so much smoother, and I was that interpreter. So that was very surreal, because I used to call the people, I used to be the person calling,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be the operator, right? So now, but now it's an interpreter, so the conversation's got a lot smoother, right? And, uh, you could call any kind of call. So I did that for five years. Any kind of call you can imagine. Anything that a deaf person's calling for, you're calling for too. And, uh, and I would, I'll tell you the, I'll tell you the, I'm trying to think which one, this one's a good one. This dude called one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I could see on his face, like he was agitated. There was something up with him. And he's like, call the number. And I go, oh, okay. And I press connect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a police station. It's like, you know, whatever. Austin police, can I help you? And the guy starts signing. And my job, one of the rules in interpreting is a big rule. Never ever do third person. Never say, he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't ever do that. You can be fired for this. So, that's a rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I call, and the cop picks up, and we start the call, and like, I'm sounding like an interpreter, we're about to begin, and then BAM. The guy starts signing, he's like, FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER, FUCK THE POLICE, YOU'RE FUCKING SURVEILLING ME, I KNOW YOU'RE SURVEILLING ME. I'm like, oh, he's on meth. Okay, this guy's, this is like day four, he hasn't slept in days. And he's like, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING STUPID FUCKING PIG, FUCK YOU. And the cop,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unflappable, professional. The cop's just like, sir, if you don't calm down and tell me what's happening, I'm not gonna be able to help you. I understand that you're upset and I'm signing all this shit and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck your mother. And there's silence on the phone. And I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the cop goes, what'd he say? I go, oh, hold on, just getting some clarification here. And the guy goes, fuck your mother. And I go, uh, he said fuck your mother, he said it, he said it, I didn't say that, he said fuck your mother, cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, what's up with these faces, man? Why are you- And then the call picks up and I realize immediately why. It's like, tons of fat-titted horny babes are fingering their juicy slits waiting for you right now. Press five to be connected. And I'm signing and I'm like, tons of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, I gotta tell you, I'm sorry, but I can't press 5. Like, I'm not allowed. This is a pay to play situation. This is phone sex. I can't connect to you. And they go, oh my god, no. No, no, no, we don't want that. Phone sex, no, no, no, no. And I go, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, this is hilarious, like wrong number. Oh, they were trying to call some other number, this is like a weird... They go, no, we don't want phone sex, we want a woman to come to our houses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At behavioral meetings, of which I was the subject. So it would be about me, right? It would be like, this guy fuckin', you know, pulled the fire alarm, broke the window, this guy sucks, and I would have to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you gotta kind of shave it a little bit. You can't quite be like, he's cool. Cause then my mom will be like, why'd you call me in here to say he's cool? So you have to be like, well, he's got some problems, but we think he's charming. Maybe a future in standup comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's a whole thing by the way. Sex workers for the disabled. I mean deaf people, they get laid. I know there's the sex worker for like the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you learn about sex workers for the disabled, you start all your judgment that you may or may not have had for sex work starts to like dribble out of your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we convince ourselves, deaf people I don't even think count in this world because deaf people, they're interacting in a pretty able-bodied way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people who are severely disabled, who can't move, they're as horny as we are. Right. And we like to think of them as like, oh no, you get disabled and then your sex drive goes away. But that's, that's for us. So that we don't have to think about how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really beautiful. Would you get it for your kids? Oh, we already have. We ordered it. I tried to order one for a buddy that goes to Doriale and it was so expensive. The amount of Fimo clay that she had to use definitely could not be overcrowded, that particular butthole. It was the entire city of San Francisco pouring out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Natasha followed Burt and took, and he was as- It's a very smart move, actually. As he always is. He was shirtless. He was shirtless, yea. And the, and she was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I had this like astronaut helmet, and I did it one time and I'm like, oh my god, I think I'm, I think I'm carrot top. Like this is, and then the next time I put the thing on, no one's into it. And I'm like, I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten more minutes of astronaut stuff and I'm in a fucking plush astronaut helmet. So yes, your tits are out. What do you do? She did a very classy. She did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody cheered and then she put on, uh, like a fur coat over, over it so it looked very like Sharon Stone at the Oscars. It looked so hot. Here it is, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But nobody called, you know, TMZ called her- I'm a lucky guy too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny you say that, that's exactly what I loved about it because like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tasha has had, like, she's had, uh, a kid, and, and I think you probably relate to the idea of, like, once you have a kid, you have this, like, reconfiguring of, like, what am I kinda doing, and, like, what's the stage got for me, and, like, we still, you know, are, are, like, I, I, I know she loves doing the podcast and stuff, and, uhm, eh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like the stage, I've, I've wanted her to like, find a way to like, recharge her fun thing, cause that's her as a performer, it's like this wild kind of performer, and when she said she was doing that, I like, I was so proud of her actually, cause I'm like, it's such a wild kind of rock piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a magic mo- It's exactly like in the book, these like portals you can walk through. There's performance portals too. Thousand percent. I'm here and there's a choice to be made and I can either-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in San Francisco we started together and he used to, Mo, I probably shouldn't tell this story, but he used to always put this vest on right before he was going to go on stage to put this vest on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we all thought it was like a, uh, no sleeve puffy vest. And, and that was like his uniform. I guess it was. And so he did his set. He had a great set and then he hung his vest up because he was done with his set. And I like, I was looking at the vest and I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, white tourist in Thailand? Fight video? That's one of the greats. That sounds interesting. That's really good. It's just a level of happiness that you see when these like, British sex tourists get beaten up by like 42 Thai people. Holy shit. That's a really good lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so scary if somebody wants you bad enough, they will, they will find you. They'll find you. I know. They'll find you. I got a German Shepherd, uh, in order to protect my family. Good. And it is the biggest bitch. Like, it would welcome, it would welcome. Oh, come on in! You saw the TMZ video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have the same disability that they're not able to masturbate anymore as the real disabled people because of those calluses. It's so rough. When they try, they make that same noise of that guy falling off the rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem, because of that strength. The strength. That's really dangerous. That's very dangerous. You know, I saw a documentary, the guy before Alex Honnold, like the big guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would never. I read a book, you ever read Into Thin Air? No. It's about an ill-fated climb to the top of Everest, it's great. But you read it and you go, I thought I didn't want to climb Everest before I read this book. Right, right. Now I like, so in the depths of my spiritual bones, I would never. It's miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Climbing to the top of a mountain seems cool, climbing to the top of a small rock, I don't even see what you're exactly getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you keep going! Go go! That was a juicer though too, that was kind of a nice bust. That was really good. That was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody called into our podcast recently, we have like a secrets hotline on Los Honeymoon podcast, and the girl goes, I uhm, I'm a hoe, and I tell every man that I'm with that I'm a squirter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I am not a squirter. I have never squirted in my life. I tell them I'm a squirter so that they feel the challenge and they always leave disappointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they fuck harder and leave disappointed. You get it all, kind of. A look of disappointment in your lover's face, and he's tried really hard. I mean, it's uh, it's, you know. It's brilliant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I somehow was able to be the origin story of your guys' piss journey, that would make-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Piss Journey. Uhm, what is this you gave me about? I tried that once by the way. What's that? Piss Journey? I did one time pee on someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if there was that, but it was definitely, you know, a filled up the bucket. And, uh, and both of us at the end were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how I am with feet. I don't understand. You love a foot? Yeah. You love a- what do you think of- do any women like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only good threesome I've ever had is when it was with two women that I dated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it was cool. Like every other time there was some horrible social dynamic. There was one time I was dating someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we decided to like, uh, find a couple on Craigslist. And so we wrote to the couple. I, and I hadn't done this. I wasn't like some, some dynamo in this way, but we found the couple and they're like, come over, we go over there and immediately I'm like a little uncomfortable. The guy kind of like very eyes wide shut, takes my date's hand and like drag, like leads her to the bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the girl comes over to me and we start kissing and I'm immediately like, oh, this will not be happening. Like I am, I am impotent. Like this is not- You're not turned on at all. It's not that I'm not, I'm like pressured. I want to be there and I'm like, please make this happen. The guy, the strange man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's done this a dozen times. He's in the other room just fucking going off. I mean he's just like pounding my girlfriend. And I'm in the other room with his girl just like, this doesn't normally, I mean I've never done this before but it also doesn't normally happen. And I'm like furiously pumping trying to, and just like nothing, just zero happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I look over is this stranger just railing my girlfriend. Most-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, I think he was a creep a little bit to her and she didn't, she was like, I'm good on that. It was another moment. That's my whole sex life is just trying things that are too freaky for me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one time I had, I did two women I had dated. It was really beautiful. It was really nice. It was really nice. I just, there was no pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tap out and go to a doctor. They're always like, just a couple more squirts, you're almost there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're a man. Okay. I wonder, is it true? Have we researched it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fake news. What is ball cupping? Is it you hold the ball of your brother? He gestures like that a lot. Can I tell you something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's bring it back to this book. Yeah. About Jewish history. Sure. That the, uh, they used to, in the Bible, this is the Bible that everybody reads. They used to make oaths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went on a vacation recently and I walked into, I went to this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's this. He's like, oh I got a hot piss loading up. I gotta go grab the- I gotta go grab my iPhone cause it's time for a video. It's not an accident that he's pissing. It's not. It's not. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a guy, it's a guy, stolen valor, uh, a guy going up to a stolen valor guy, and then being proved that the guy actually was in the military. That's a very rare category, but it's really, really satisfying. You just go, where'd you get that fucker? Where'd you get that uniform? Where'd you serve? And then the guy like busts out like, you know. ID and all that. And then, and then, so he becomes, he stole the valor back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, as she's, and you're like, dude, what the fuck. Don't go to a, you probably aren't into Broadway musicals, but I love them. Never. That's the worst, that's the worst situation. Because they'll do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what? Oh yeah, but the dorkiest people too. It's just like, just some geek that's trying to get like, past at their community college musical theater class. It's just like, the phantom of the upper eyes, yah. Like no, that's a professional up there. Let him do it. You're a virgin. Let's just wait till you get on the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found the deepest of cringe. That cringe lane is really strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, dad joke guy. I take it back. Oh fuck right off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that is cool. All the girls are doing this. You like. I mean, that is... It's cool. It's kinda... I don't know why Hitler comes to mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a combo. I think anytime you see something like this, there's an amphetamine somewhere. Every time you hear about something horrifying, it's always meth. And this haircut is pretty horrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, it is off center. The problem is you're, this is permanent too. You have to, you have to shave the whole head in order for anything good to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really cool art, it's a really cool cover. Yea, it looks kind of like a zine, which I think is like, it's very much a kind of love letter to what happened in the 90s. I mean, the stand up not so much, but a lot of it is, it feels like of a time, and I love that it looks like a zine that you could have gotten at that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, this book is like, I put so much of my sort of soul into this thing, like I'm super proud of it, and I went all in with sort of every aspect of it, but it's like, it is the six pieces of my life that kind of make me who I am, and I really am super proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is about Pilates, but it's one of the most wholesome things a girl can do. If a girl does Pilates, she's probably not going out much on the weekends because she has to get up early to go to Pilates. And it's not like a regular weightlifting gym where guys will stare at girls and be creepy and hit on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit and get $200 off your next order. Happy Thanksgiving! Hi, mate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is the week you gotta deal with your dumb fucking family. It's the worst. And, uh, same goes for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I haven't done it in a few days, but I'll do it today. My body hurts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it is terrible. I don't want to act like it's fun. It's not fun. It's horrible every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, you know, you feel good afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really, I really do. I never really thought about it on a psychological level until recently. Why I get such joy out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I never thought of those reasons. I just thought, oh, this is something that makes me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, she was just screaming to Jesus and like, please, and the screams just kept growing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's the hardest I've laughed in so long. And then I got her in the cold plunge because I knew she would hate. And that made, you saw how hard that made me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is. It's like, yeaah, I dealt with all your shit for a lot, so here you go. Here's a few minutes of suffering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has helped me in that regard in showcasing her because I feel some validation from the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when people will be like, oh, I see it. Like some people don't see it, they just see, cause we all have our own lenses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So some people watch and they're like, they only see like how funny she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, and she is, she's super funny. She's great in that regard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she really is, so they get the entertaining part, but then when someone's like, oh, I see what's making you crazy, then you kind of feel validated by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think of, I don't want to say his name, but my friend from high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the fun thing is that like, Charo does have a really fun side to all this. She does, yes. Which is like, even with the Chopper, you know, when she got out, she was like, we are going to the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hatred. It's just like, you have to fuck with someone back. You go, you fuck with me, I'm gonna fuck with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The N-word month. Thanksgiving always falls in the month of the N-word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Pretend I'm the board of Starbucks. Tell us your idea for our new ad. What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where his colleague to his left goes, what was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pre-sale will begin for 69 minutes. The YMH Studios newsmagazine show that tackles all the important stuff going on in the world. We have been working very hard on this. We have an incredible cast of people involved in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stavros is in it, Mateo Lane is in it, Joe List, Brian Sickler, Brian Simpson, Danny Brown, ourselves, there's uh, incredible pieces, Charo is in it, uhm, it's gonna be, I'm the most excited about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, it's something we've worked really hard on and it's gonna debut December 15th here at YMH Studios and, uhm, we couldn't be more excited and, uh, the trailer will be out soon. Can't wait to show you guys, so just know that we are working hard on it and we're looking forward to showing you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the hopes of reconnecting with one Robert Paul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On holiday groceries and home goods. Don't sweat the shipping rush. Last minute delivery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a Dash Pass member, you can enjoy exclusive offers and perks all season long on stocking stuffers, decor, groceries, meals, and more. You'll also get a $0 delivery fee and reduced service fees on eligible orders too. Order now and get the holiday help you need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From DoorDash, use code MOMHOLIDAY to get 50% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to $10 in value when you spend $15 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This video is sponsored by DraftKings. The weather might be cooling down, but the action on the field stays HOT!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And today I've partnered up with DraftKings, an official partner of the NFL, to get you close to all the action. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and sign up using my promo code MOM, the CROWN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is yours. If you've already signed up for DraftKings, you can get a no sweat bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also get a bonus bet back if your same game parlay or same game play extra bet doesn't hit. Are you a fan of multiple teams and want to bet on them all? You can combine bets together for a shot at an even bigger payout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If sports betting is not yet available in your state, not to worry. You can still join in on all the fun with DraftKings Daily Fantasy Sports. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers who use promo code MOM and bet $5 will get $150 in bonus bets instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's promo code M-O-M only at DraftKings Sportsbook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really well done. I think it really gives you a great insight. And also I think, you know, for me, it's like, I remember obviously he was a global, still is, superstar. But the details of things, that's the thing is like, I never really was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In plugged in enough to realize what his hardships were as a player, like how fucking hated he was for that World Cup incident, you know, where he got the red card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The red, yeaah. And uhm, and like how they just completely turned on him as a nation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would challenge that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole documentary, the whole documentary because he's 47 now and I mean, you know, he's, he's, he's like in with Manchester United at the youth program since he's 15. And I guess he's probably a pro at like, I don't know, 18 or something. Like that's when he's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the national English team, AC Milan, LA, every single player, and these are players from England, Brazil, Portugal, Spain, it, they're all like talking about when they first met them, they all go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, he comes in and we see this beautiful man, most beautiful man. They all are, they're like, I've never seen anyone so pretty and so handsome. Like, they just can't stop talking about it. And then you see the footage from them and you're like, Jesus Christ, like this dude is, yeah, he's really like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like, uh, designed. It doesn't even seem like a real person, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, you know, he's also, I think when we see celebrities, you assume, like, so you always see him really well put together, like his outfits and everything. And then in the dock, there's one part where they walk into his bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a rack and the, oh, and then there's clothes on it and the guy's like, what's this? He goes, this is my, these are my outfits for the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, yeah, I picked my outfits out for the entire week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also, he's very, very organized and very meticulous and clean. Oh, he's OCD. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think he has some idea of what he's gonna be doing. Oh yea, like that one you just passed by. That was a whole era of hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. You want me to dress alike? Yeah, sure. Yeah. I'll do it. My teeth- oh, okay. What? Now I got some stuff coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, those, uh, I think the hot flight attendants that these international airlines have, I think it puts everybody at ease. Everyone's like, oh, this is nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh, I should say this, because I haven't even mentioned this. We've already, uh, announced that my new tour is on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Tokyo. And it goes, right now we are announcing the first leg that's through June if you haven't gotten tickets to it. It's at TomSagura.com. And uh, I'm very excited. It's a totally different structure than the last tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, if you don't see your city yet, believe me, we're gonna hit your city. It's probably gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Yeah, we're both going to be on tour. Come try it out. Try it out. Check it out and try it out. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you had to write, and like, something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's this first semester going of school? And I was like, oh wow, what a fascinating semester it has been. Gosh, I learned so much. I don't know what I would do without school. It's like really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Juan Luis brought photos, I gotta show you that he found of a trip we took when I was 14.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. Uhm, alright, why don't we take a quick break and we'll be back in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Merry Ballsmas from our friends over at Manscaped. The holidays are approaching, but what if I told you that the celebrations are starting early this year? It turns out the perfect gift does exist. And who else to bring it down your chimney than the leaders in below the waist grooming? Keep calm and let your balls jingle this season with Manscaped's brand new performance package


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 5.0 Ultra. Featuring the new Lawn Mower 5.0 watch all your wishes and mistletoe kisses come true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unwrap the gift of smoothness this season with Manscaped. I checked and I am not allowed to show you how well I have trimmed my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Below the waste equipment, but I'll guarantee you it's really nice and soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped's Performance Package 5.0 Ultra is the ultimate bundle for the man who deserves it all. Included in this special sack is the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra, the Weed Whacker 2.0 Ear and Nose Trimmer, Manscaped's Liquid Formulations, and two free gifts. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code MOM at manscaped.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code M-O-M. Manscaped, get your jingle balls ready for the holidays. And we are back and always so excited to welcome back to the program, the great Ryan Sickler everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, it's great to see you. I was just in LA. I did, uhm, I did, uh, the honeydew with you. We talked about, uh, our dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not living anymore. It was a great episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't find out about that by the way. Like, I didn't find out about it until I wasn't there when that happened. It was like I was getting on a flight and they called me and told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then I met somebody ironically this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who uhm, he had a heart attack in Lake Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ambulance was like, well, we got like a, whatever, the pads. They said that they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing well now. He's doing well. And my, his friend that was telling, well, we were all there, he was telling me, so he's like, the crazy thing is that you're kind of normal. He's like, you should be normal after 30 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you have the craziest stories on Patreon. Have you ever had some? Cause I've seen more than a couple stories about people who wake up in morgues. Oh my gosh. Those are wild to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people that, uh, also haven't seen, uh, Ryan's special, It's Lefty Son is on YouTube and you can watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if there's a news update on him, but he's yeaah. He's doing that. Hell yeaah. I would love to power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I didn't, here's the rule I didn't know. Cause I didn't do any pre-drivers license. It was a left turn at a light. It was the green light, but not the green arrow. So I just didn't know when to go. So I was just like, I'll just go. And I went and a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rear passenger area like the tie and split the rear axle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, speaking of danger and your back, have you considered a treatment like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I have been, I have been fantasizing. Like my porn has been fantasizing for this moment. Cause we have been so obsessed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we've been playing this guys while, and then I think I just text you about it, or I don't know if we're on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you tell me, you go, I did his show. I'm like, what? That's crazy. And when you say this, go ahead. Well, when you say this, I was like, what are you talking about? You go, yeah. And it was, I think it was the night before a flight. So on the flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched the whole thing on the flight and I laughed so hard because I'm watching you like somebody I know and I'm seeing like I'm seeing you being like like you're just like cool is good to be here like you're just like being yourself and just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you didn't know anything? No. Well we pulled highlights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played the clip you guys just saw, here's another one that we played just to get people caught up before we show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everybody has their own like, oh, I don't know what, like they're figuring out what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably his, when they reached out, they're like, he's a pastor and, you know, I didn't get any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it is actually, cause I always wondered about this, like I always, I asked one time a real big dude about wiping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? How, how he does it. And he said he uses a stick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A stick. Yeah, he puts the paper on the end of a stick. Nuh-uh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's why, I mean, this is like a regular maintenance thing. You got to do this all the time. I'm thinking that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That front ass in public, it would make you stop for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we've been playing this game, so I guess there's, there's people that are locked up that are allowed to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll show you the video and then you can guess what they're locked up for and I'll tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you saw what he's like, what his video says. Now is the fun time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what it is. He was driving high on heroin and crashed into a power pole. After being spotted by an off duty cop, he drove off, leading to a chase. After driving off, he ended up in a high speed pursuit. He then swerved and crashed into a car dealership, fled on foot. Cop later tackled him when he tried to jump over a fence. Also, he robbed a Walgreens in 2014.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, gotta take a breath before this one. Second degree murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enhancement for the use of a deadly weapon in the commission of a felony. Two aggravated battery charges. Enhancement of commission of a felony with the intent to promote criminal gang activity and the infliction of great bodily harm. He stabbed multiple people, killed one on Christmas Eve, turned himself in for outstanding warrants, including second degree murder set to a one million dollars bail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't say how long he's in here, but he's 25. So, I don't know. Attempted strangulation is the official charge, though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was charged with trafficking more than 28 grams of heroin. He was caught in a sting operation where he sold 2 grams of heroin for $600.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he's got, there is like a real, he's got something that makes you pause, right? When he starts, like, I don't need your money, like it's just, it's a lot of personality coming at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. He does have- He seems unhinged. Yeah. It's very unpredictable. There would be no- You don't reason with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does have woods vibes. You'd hate to run into him in the woods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he shows you how skilled he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys who display their martial arts are just the best. That's a great lane in Tik Tok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's been no ladies, and then they're like, I'mma fart them at the birthday. Yeah, I'mma do this. Yeah. It's just not, he's not like in the mix with ladies and then doing that. This is just ladies don't, are not a part of the equation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember that one a few weeks ago where the guy released a tiger into the pool? He had like his friends in the pool and then he put a tiger in it and they all fuckin'


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a chick out there who's like, look at this guy throwing these spoons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you actually are in a real life situation where this guy gets to do something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me understand, to participate in the lifestyle, use deodorant, brush your teeth, floss, put a spray of cologne on, and then you're welcome to play. Okay, thanks man. Thanks for the insight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen anything like that. Yeah, you can't fuck with them. People in the, when I was in high school in Florida, people would go into the groves and, and shoot raccoons with like semi-automatic weapons and shit, yeah. Yeah, they'll fuck you up. I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've seen so many big cats, uh, in videos, uh, in the middle east. People have like leopards and shit and cougars in their house. In their house. Just walking around. Just chilling on the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, the new podcast, The Way Back, is launching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can watch Lefty's son, his, uh, uh, stand-up special that's on YouTube right now. Of course the honeydew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, weekly show and the Patreon for the wildest stories anyone's ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched an episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Replace them in like cubes or squares or whatever this is. Just pick another one. Maybe you'll find one you like. Or someone will get hurt and everybody likes that. Don't forget to subscribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a friend, this big Irish kid, I think he got his head in his mouth, and then he said he stopped because he felt gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna fuck you and she goes, why don't you just fuck yourself and he did? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the same. No. No. I don't think I could do it dude, even if I could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you could just be gay. Instead of this shit. Instead of jacking off. Instead of spinning it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the other thing. And then you're like, oh. Yeah, and the Spartans are like known, cause I'm, I'm, people think I'm just Italian. My mother is 100% Greek.