[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I totally agree. I like, I mean I want it to be, I want it to chill hard, great food all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I could see like, oh, I've been laying around. If there's a gym on board, I'll do a little workout, you know, read.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should tell people what that means. So what happens is the yacht is anchored. You can't pull a huge yacht up to shore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to prepare everything to transport on tenders, the food, the tent, the tables, the chairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? It never looks cool. I don't even like outdoor eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every restaurant that goes, you're like, indoors. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I could see saying, hey, can we take the tender over to the beach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Yeah, I think it's gross. And I don't like, I mean, I don't know, I just picture it as flies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You anchor and, you know, it's like, it's day three. Should the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deck crew have all the toys out immediately?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we have to keep informing people. So tell what that means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the toys look fun, but it's also here's the bummer again for you guys, but I guess it's part of the price is a lot of times I imagine they set everything up. People are like, I just feel like laying down, right? Like I don't really want to use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put on your bathing suit, sunbathe, drink champagne. It's such a fucking fantasy world to even discuss this stuff. Like that's the fun thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. You know, maybe, how old are we? Maybe in ten years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe in 10 years, we'll do it and not send, uh, what's his name to college. He doesn't need to go to school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I like when you said, uhm, there was the guy who had that little dime piece with him, little blondie, and then she was like, could you go ahead? And she was like super rude and snappy. Do you remember? He's an older guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's his, what's his history? Like, was, how do you become a big boat-catcher?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I just absolutely trust that guy. Like I would, I feel comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chains, bracelet, rings, what? I mean, it's- So much gold. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you told me, like, guess, like if you showed me a picture of him with that on, I'd be like, immediately I'd be like the Keys. I'd be like, that guy lives in Key West.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got another specific question. Yes. Season, cause we went back to season two cause we were so excited about this. Was, was Andrew, what was his name I think? Oh god. Was he putting us on, like was he just trying to get on TV?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he seemed like, he was like, huh, I'm smiling a lot, that's cool, right? Like, what are you, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it almost felt like when we went back to it, because I actually, at first I started watching it, I was like, man, because you know, it's been a few years, and I was like, wait, I saw this season I thought, and I'd forgotten so much, but then when I saw the uh, the rocket ship towel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that people know what you're saying though, it's that there's guests, they're out of the room, the room always looks fantastic, and you do things with the towels to make it look, you know, exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've just also, by the way, you're just for the first time working with Lee, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone didn't like it? No, no one liked it. And then didn't, as I remember, because we didn't get that, uh, through the whole thing on season 2, but it's in my memory, didn't he eventually go like, I love it, it's great?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. Now, I had a question from all these, uh, charters you've been on. Has a chef ever been sick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? And then how hard is it to replace someone like that quickly? It's gotta be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a good thing though, cause I've seen this, I mean, both on your show and like other work, uh, environments where somebody goes like, eh, there won't be really a hierarchy here. And that's a problem. You should set up the hierarchy. Um, yeah, it's more necessary. Yeah, yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's mad at the whole thing. Cause they traded families, and she went to like a Lucy Goosey, like everything's cool house, and that lady was in her house, so she's like, you know, she wasn't Christian, she was in our house, and she hated the whole, it was all evil, everything was the devil, and she's like, I'm a god warrior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, that's when we would send out, uh, a PA just to fly to the location, pick up the physical tapes. Cause now things are probably digitized and so back then you had to fly, pick up the tape and that person would literally board a plane just with tapes. And these tapes came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was working the late shift and one of the editors was like, you guys gotta fuckin' see this. And we all go in there and we're like, oh shit. And everyone knew immediately, like, this is gonna be nuts. Cause it's basically what you want, somebody losing their mind on network TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The formula changed too, where the formula became, let's get people fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it just became about, cause I went with you, they asked you to go to some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, to like a dinner or something. And I saw these, the cameras and I was like, I, I started, I mean, I got like real anxiety. I was like, I don't want to be a part of this at all. And then I noticed that I was like, I'm just gonna literally stand in the background and not be a part of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they were giving everyone drinks and then somebody would have a few drinks come over and be like, so what, hey, what is your fucking problem exactly? Like out of nowhere. And that was the fuel for the conversation in the show. And I was like, this is contrived and fueled by alcohol. It's like, I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, do you guys, when you have clients like that, or maybe just in general, is there a bunch of non-disclosures that these people make you sign?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on the show, by the way, when it's tip time, the tips are always cash. Is that in real life too, always cash?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what if this guy were like a charter guest? Would you, what would you do for him, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happens, like, the morning after the hookers, you guys gotta put on the nice face still, right? Good morning!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. That's the minimum. That's the minimum. We haven't paid for our food yet, our provisions, our tip, fuel, none of it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just ask him for like an 80% uhm, break on it. I'll see what I can do. Okay, thank you, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, get on it. Do what we do. I mean, you can, you can obviously go Tuesdays at Bravo. We just buy the season pass. We buy the show so that we don't have to watch commercials. That is commitment. I appreciate it. We buy the season pass immediately. Um, or yeah, or you can go on the Bravo app. Uh, I'm sure you can stream it there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excellent. So excited. Can't wait to watch more Below Deck. I hope you guys keep making 50 more seasons of it. And uhm, thank you, thank you again for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people to explore we engage in pet play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I consider myself out, I'm very open. That being said, I do compartmentalize my pet play because not everyone wants or needs to see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Circles. Erase them from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there. Cause I'm 59. You're trying to find somebody and you go on dates. Nothing compares to your ex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other reason I like pink or wear pink is because if you look at all the richest men in the world, which I'm one of, I have 20 million in the bank, no bullshit, Google it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suck on my fuckin' testes. Google. Uhm, all the richest men in the world wear pink. 50 cent? Where's pink? Tom Cruise? Where's pink? Simon Rex? Fuckin' where's pink condoms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what it is. 20 million in the bank and fucking growing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people we got in here? Not even 400, man. The artwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Jean, I can tell you this. Uhm, I'm going to Blue Jeans, Oregon. There's 20 tickets left for the early show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And about 60 to the Late Show. That's it. Uh, Boys Seed is all sold out. Ball Sacramento has tickets for the Late Show on October 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, all those tickets at TomSagura.com slash tour. A lot of people hit me about Pechanga because it sold out very fast. They're giving us a second date. Uhm, it's not going to be the same night, but that second date will be sometime in 2019 and I'll have that for you soon, along with some big announcements. Go to TomSagura.com, click on the tour page and sign up for that mailing list so you can get the news before anybody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's get into it. You ready? Yea, I'm ready. Let's do it. Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a liquid ass prank by the way, you know, it's that spray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yesterday was an interesting day because it was a travel day. Always a recipe. Cross country travel day. Just bad things happen. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at the hotel early, eating some breakfast, having coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, with veggies? Uh, yeaah, there's spinach, onions, mushrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true. That's not true. I ate that. Had some bacon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I drive more than an hour, get to the airport, have another like half coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just started. Honestly, I got on the plane with it. I gave it to a flight attendant. Can you just throw some-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I was like, I don't really enjoy this. And then I slept for a few hours. I don't know, but your whole digestive track is messed up that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got back here, ate something here, I don't know. Then we went out, what did we have for dinner? Oh yea, I had that, uhm, salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the salmon, and then uhm, yeaah, on the way out of there, just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Including the server. Yeah, ours did. He's like, do you want the salmon? And I go, I do. And I go, can you make it medium rare? He's like, they don't make, take temperature changes for the salmon here. Salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I get tweeted corrections, uh, for things we said, like, people will be like, did Christina really say specifically? Instead of specifically? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta give it to me. It was nasty. Give it up to me. It was real nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I knew it was, I mean, as it came out, I was like, I told you, I'll go, this is gonna be bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was on a lunch break, I was working with like another guy named Tom, and he was really into music, we went to a record store, and it was back when the record stores, they had the listing stations. Sure, like Sam Goody. Yea, and the guy was like, and don't you know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just ripped a huge fart and we fell out. He turned and was like, I think he really thought we were laughing at his voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he was a big guy, and I think that that fart escaped without him even knowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about meat- or smellier, but maybe girthier and meatier, maybe. You think the fatness is directly proportionate? Maybe, it's a factor, maybe. Maybe they're eating more garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's examine this dad's reaction a little more to this, uh, smell in his car. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, I mean that is, that's ultimate dad too. That's a real dad, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, but I mean that's a dad reaction. I remember as a kid we would take these road trips, especially my uncle Dave. He'd be like, oh! He'd be like, Jesus Christ! One of you pisspots just, like you call us pisspots and ding-dongs. Jesus! Go to the bathroom! Christ!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stinks. You guys stink. Do you rip a fart? He always said that. Or cut a fart. Cut a fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Uhm, here's another dad here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See first of all, this is way better way to communicate with someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the way that he calls his kid a dirty, rotten, ginger-headed cunt. Yes. I mean, I just love that so much more. I do too. You rarely find American parents like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I immediately smile when I see somebody talk to their kid like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually feel like that means you like your kid even more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad never got mad, you know my dad, he was always like, he's like, jeez, wow. He's like, you do that? That really stinks. He goes, you probably need to take a shit buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I mean, it's pretty much same shit, different toilet, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In hemorrhoids? No, I'm not. You have them, don't you? I mean, I've seen blood before, but that's pretty much it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't have, uh, your issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did also want to point out, uhm, I'm doing, uh, Conan tonight. Uhm, so that'll be up by the time you hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I didn't get to see it, but, uh, that was sent, uh, just a small clip from his appearance if you guys wanna listen to what he did on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, we each have our own different way of, uh, performing on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sat down I guess and he just did that and kind of was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think these are the same guys, by the way, that made that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daddy never made us ashamed of our penises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cuts off, cuts off right there, unfortunately. Blue man, what the fuck, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just went on a hike this morning. This is eerily reminiscent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there are. There's guys just like this with hats like this and with sleeveless vests and tight jeans. I love the tight jean for a hike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on the trail, it's all dirty and dusty. Oh, you're sweating. Yeah, it's like also people are gonna walk by. What are we gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not just the gays who are doing the butt stuff. Do you want to know something that's really amazing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, we keep failing to get pregnant. They were having sex on a regular basis. During the appointment, the woman admitted that sex was usually painful. And, uh, they were very young, very healthy, couldn't conceive, they were having a lot of stress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the doctor discovered that the couple had mistakenly been having anal intercourse rather than vaginal to conceive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four years of marriage and neither the husband or wife knew how to get pregnant. Oh my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe, probably. Like you can't. The state controls, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did two appearances this, uh, this weekend. Yeah. One at the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy Cellar, the famed New York City Comedy Club. Yeah. And one, I think, out in Governors in Long Island at the Comedy Club Governors. And, uh, both were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surprise sets. These are both, uh, new. These are his first appearances doing stand-ups since he admitted to, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Uh, it was a huge bomb that dropped last November and everybody, you know, at least in comedy has been like, ah, will he come back? Will he just stand up again? Just what will happen again? And he, uh, he's doing spots, looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, you know, it's funny, I didn't really think of the specifics of it because it's not my life, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your biggest concern in life? Yeah, so I, I mean, I was always of the mindset that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believed that a path to redemption should exist. Not just for him, I mean, just for most people in life, like people who do bad things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay. That was really bad. My point was that, is that, you know, somebody gets arrested, let's say, goes to jail for any number of terrible things. Right. You could be accused of assault, armed robbery, murder, manslaughter, all these horrible things. Eventually, some of those people get released and it's like, you can't just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Like you don't get to, well, you're back in society now. You have to figure out ways. So for, for a lot of people, they go, you know, let's say somebody's accused of a horrific violent thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're locked up for 20 some years. They go, well, they did. They pay their debt to society. So they're entitled to whatever now, even though people don't have to hire them. You know, so this is obviously not the same thing, but there is some parallel to, um, there's a bad thing done. You need to pay some type of price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can make an argument that, you know, part of the penance is the public shame of it all. Part of the penance is losing, you know, your, he had big television deal with FX that went away, touring business just stopped obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he did, you know, he did admit to doing these things, it's like, probably, I mean, again, this is just an opinion, needs to be some type of interaction with the, uhm, people that you, or, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let them dictate some terms of making it okay. In other words, some woman that he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jerked off in front of gets to say, you know, it would be great if, uh, if you were to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donate to this organization or, I don't know, I don't have the answer, but I'm saying you need to at least consider probably some of those people's, uhm, feelings in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the legal system had been involved, it's a much clearer cut path.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it seems like he's gonna keep doing spots, I imagine. What I think is crazy actually is that, I do think it's crazy that the clubs, uhm, let surprise drop-ins for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not cool. It's not cool to have a polarizing person surprise pop in. Right, like Cosby. Yea, cause then you're basically saying that people who are in the audience, whose night might be ruined by it, you're like, so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, let them, let the person, I'm all for the market dictating what, what's okay and not. So if you go, Louie's on this show tonight, you're allowing audience people to go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I support the venue and the comic. I'm spending my money. Uhm, go ahead. Show me what's what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let them figure out whether or not that's the place they want to be to watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Now people are like, and now they're like, no, no, no, he's no good anymore. But it took all the other stuff. But no one gave a shit for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would have been amazing if he did his like pop in 15 minute set and then the host comes back out, you know, to take the move and just starts drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, are you not gonna fucking address? I mean, what do you, that's the thing is, it's kind of, there is a, I'm fascinated by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the set must be like. What the hour will look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, because he'll still sell a ton of them. I mean, I'm saying for him, that works. And that leaves it to, you're not surprising, uh, anybody with it. It's just, here's content. Do you want to pay for it? Yeah. I don't know. I want to see too. It's like, do you open talking about it? Yes. I would think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then here's the other thing is like as a comedian, do you want a somber apology at the beginning of a, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Do You Mind? And he's like, just kind of gesturing like, do you mind if I come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's what somebody else is thinking. Because like I said, I didn't lay out a plan for him, so I wouldn't know. But it's like, you go, you go, this is, you shouldn't have done your spots now. Okay, when is he supposed to go do spots?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Asia Argento is like one of the leading people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I'm saying, so we're talking about Asia. But Asia's been like one of the faces of this. She also was dating Anthony Bourdain. And it turns out that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, came after her and uh, he came in four strokes for sure. The story at least, you know, what is being reported by some people is that she then had Bourdain's lawyers and, um, money to pay him off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, which started this whole thing. Which by the way doesn't mean that Weinstein didn't do that, I'm sure he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think seeing it happen, and uhm, the reaction was not positive from what I could see. At least online, everybody was like, pretty heated about it. Uhm, I mean, from, from people in comedy and out, nobody was like, this is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's also, but here's, I mean, going back and forth on this, they're like, what, if you're him, you're like, what is the game plan supposed to be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, I'm serious, like, I mean, so it's like, I get that we get to say like, nah dude, this is not the good time, not the good strategy, but a lot of people don't know what the strategy is. That's the whole point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, if I had gone through what he went through. Oh my God. I feel like that has to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Psychologically so devastating. Oh my god. You have to have PTSD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go from being so celebrated the way he was celebrated to being, you know, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the second part of it. First, don't forget that he wasn't just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought of as like, he's a funny comic or he's a guy, he was discussed and spoken of like, like an artist, like Monet. I mean, people talked about him in an almost unnatural way in the comedy world because he was just iconic and he was just associated with being brilliant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, if you, if you, you know, if you go from those types of conversations about you, your name, every time your name is said, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, well that guy is really something else. I mean his comedy is, you're talking about your jokes as if you're talking about poetry, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be interesting to see where this storyline goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he accepted that he was going to take his lumps when it started. Like, he knew whenever I come back there's going to be some backlash. So it's like, just go with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's, well I think he's gonna go, I knew this part was gonna happen, just stay in it, so that it kind of, you know what I mean? Stay the course. So that the initial blowback is the worst part, and then just, you keep doing your spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, and I think uhm, it'll be interesting to see how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, obviously a couple of clubs just let them do those pop-ins. Will the other New York clubs go through? Are some of them gonna be like, fuck no. It's just interesting to see how it is. And what I brought up, the uhm, whether or not you announce or surprise people with it, I think is a big, big difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just, she made that, she did an interview where she said if Louis comes back my work is not done. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'd be great to be having that seat right now for this discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, Cohen was his lawyer, his personal lawyer and fixer for years. And then he tweeted out, if you need a lawyer, I would not hire Michael Cohen. He's terrible. He's like, that was your lawyer. What are you talking about? He's just like, he sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how we talked about how much we hate people that speak on speakerphone in public? Yes. This guy wrote in, hey water champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that he could do his scratch off tickets for 15 minutes while he waited for his buddy to run into the store instead of, you know, parking like a human being. Um, can't wait to see you in Philly. Bert's new special is good, but he's still fat. Piss on me and beat me. I'm a hot white cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody emailed this, which is unbelievable. It says, hola mommies, to take the cake during my sister's burial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, answering the phone at her, uh, I guess granddaughter's funeral. It's crazy. Being like, yeah, they're putting her in the ground right now. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're, uh, we've been talking about it for the listeners. Uh, we're coming up on 10 years of, uh, marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been doing this show, it's gonna be nine years pretty soon, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, there's, you know, you're always thinking like, what can I do to keep this spice alive? What can I do to keep it going? And then you start thinking of, you know, I want to do something special for the 10 year anniversary, something for you, something that makes you happy and excited. So I found,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what would be like a, I guess a seminar of types we could go to and just see if you like it. You'd have to check out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this really teaches me? I just, the world is fascinating with how many different types of people there are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I also just mean, wow, like, it's good that these people found each other as a group. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just can't believe they also exist in the same world I live in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start a small conversation with this guy, like, hey, is this that peanut butter that has the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Natural oils, and he's like, yeah. And then he goes, uh, have you ever tried a vocal improv? And you're like, what? He's like, you know, I have the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hang of the boner. Now that guy's got hand boning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else it is? I don't have a real skill or talent for music, but uhm, you'll let me feel like I do in this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you sing? No? You wanna act like you can sing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of when you sign up for an improv comedy troupe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right, you know, if you're, usually the comics, like the stand-ups end up going like, oh, this shit's not for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tapped out. Yeah, I can't really do this. This is real cringey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it feels wrong. Stupid. I feel like I'm gonna be embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. You have to learn how to listen. You know? I mean, can you really listen or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a married spick friend, you have like, you're like, oh, uh, he's Spanish and he's married, but I mean, I just talk to him on Facebook sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he was in like, Ukraine or Belarus or something and the president handed him a carrot and he was like, thanks. You never seen that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, something like that. He just starts eating his carrot. It's a very popular meme. Pretty good stuff there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certainly, this is not a feather ruffling type of show, so I would hope that you would respect the feathers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, uh, read one really, uhm, well-written assessment breakdown of the film that, yeaah, that I don't have with me. Uhm, about how she was horribly traumatized, which I didn't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By her father, yeaah. That makes sense. Yeaah, she's basically, you know, a broken person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some other FTT RTD submissions. Forget Girl Troubles Rim the Dudes. Four GT Rally Truck Drivers. Fun Gun Tricks Rallies the Democrats. Finding God's Teachings Replaces the Demons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what do you wanna do? Just fart real big? Oh my god, I forgot!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally got distracted. This, uh, this guy, uhm, was in the news. The security guard. And he got fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get the point. I love it. He got fired. And I'm trying to see if I can actually get him on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really is. I forgot that I uhm, said I would... Let me press pause real quick and try to do this. Press pause. I'll go peachy while you do that. Okay. I'm just gonna do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back and, uh, the clip you just saw of course, uhm, was from the actual footage that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, recorded by and released by one Paul Flart, the security guard who, in my opinion, was unjustly fired from his job for simply singing a different way. Uhm, he just, you, you made,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did it start out of boredom? I mean, is that, you know, were you just like, like when you first started doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I mean we definitely enjoyed it. So, you're doing this for a while, it's harmless fun is what it seems like. So, how, like, everything came in the news like a week ago, is that when the employers took notice? Like somebody took notice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this went on for like six months without them any- anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I also watched, we haven't played it on our show yet, but I watched the footage of you getting fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was amazing that to see that take place, cause that guy, it was funny, like your superior's like, turn that off. You're like, I'm not filming you. And he's like, and you actually go like, are you firing me? And he's like, yeah. And you're like, okay, then I'll just keep this rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So of course what everybody, you know, obviously, uh, I created a petition to have a statue of you erected in DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm hoping that tonight, when I do Conan, they let me talk about it. In the pre-interview they said yes, and you can't always dictate how those things go, but hopefully that will get on the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I guess what everyone else wants to know is like, you know, the simple fact of it all is you were a guy with a job who lost his job. What's gonna happen now for you? Are you going to pursue uhm, this lane as this great farter? Like, what are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you've never looked up King Assripper, he is, oh yeaah, he's, uhm, he is your brother from another mother man. And, uh, very impressive work, but he's not, uh, media savvy. He's not accessible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, but we're big fans, man, and uhm, you know, we wish you nothing but the best, so uhm, you know, if you get that site going, you tell us about it, we'll plug it, hopefully we'll get a lot more signatures on the petition, to the statue that you deserve, and uhm, your Patreon, if people want to know, is it just like at PaulFlart slash Patreon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, I think uhm, I think our audience is really gonna dig you and what you're doing. And uhm, you know, it was a pleasure to talk to you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and keep us, keep us posted on what you end up doing, you know, if this travel thing goes or whatever, we'd be more than happy to plug it on our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think about, um, you know, uh, crazy locs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We made you into actors. You guys doing your own monologues, interpretations of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now Paul Flart. So I gotta say, I really like his person that he wasn't, uhm, above it, he wasn't too cool, he was like, it is what it is, I'm gonna keep doing it, I think it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell you how many times I've ended up on an Instagram and you're like, you've never heard of the person's name. No. And it's like 5.6 million followers. Yeah. For what? Uh, they're hot, they're in a bikini, they're shirtless, flexing, they have great bodies. Like, okay. So they have great bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy has a great talent. What about great fighters? Yeah, what about him? Why doesn't he deserve? And then, see, someone will be like, well, yeah, but I mean, that hot chick, you know, she's super hot. Like, yeah, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's start. The television is not only on, but it's on full volume while you record a video message to post to share with people that you want to listen to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very interesting. She's listening to some very liberal media. Uhm, took the teeth out. It's also a choice. But he shaved. So it's like, what do you like? What do you not like? Uh, framed up real tight. And starting with, I'm tired of white women. So it's kind of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The plot thickens. The plot really thickens. Huh? A beautiful woman with a little pecker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's trying to ease his way into feeling comfortable with a transsexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were saying that you stay united, uhm, as like your favorite guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his mouth's all open, his four teeth are out, and they're like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sure it's Michael Jackson? That's what it said. I don't know. I don't know actually. I really don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when the guy pulls up, he just hears her having a conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the greatest thing ever. Cause this guy telling you about this? Nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. We'll be better than having that lady represent the company. Uhm, earlier I was going to show you this footage of your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The math guy? I don't know. The math guy's got mouth rot too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think meth, the meth master brushes his teeth in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is so weird. How do you feel about public kinks and stuff? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like, uhm, he's too weird for you though Garth? Who? Garth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody talks like that. He's like Cosby fucked up. You think so? Yea. He's a rapist. When you're super famous, you know, it's, I think it's so unnatural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time. Cool stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff. Ugh. Just what made you think to say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not against it, I'm just saying like, this, do you need it like, you need it at the stoplight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure, daylight. You know what I mean? Like, to be like, alright, we got, we got eight seconds. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, bro, whatcha doin'? Whatcha doin', homie? And look at their reaction. It's very, they're just like, hm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best when someone calls someone out like that. Are you down with that? That stoplight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to tell them. I'm Paulie and I'm bi. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you what makes me cum. I gotta tell you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is definitely ruining stoplights for some people. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny. Anything else, Gene? This was a real kiss. This was a real kiss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we covered it all, man. Uh, here's a song to go out on. It's called Tom Upsetting His Mom Remix by L. Smits. Perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As always, thanks for listening. Oh, quick thing, we restocked a bunch of stuff in the store. Shirts, socks, hats, including, uh, we hear you and we respond to you. The ladies who asked for, uh, restocked, I believe it's tried out, female sizes. Just restocked those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you go to the store, you can see it. It's merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, that's that. Thanks so much, guys. We'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walk into the kitchen, Christina comes out of the bathroom, she just went kaka, and then Ellis walks by me, and he has a kaka in his diaper, so we all went kaka at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I am from Ottawa. I had to think about that for a second. Is that capital? Yeah, capital, very good. Yeah, that's nice. I'm one of those Americans that knows things. It's because you're married to a Canadian. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's lots of, you know, nice architecture, lots of museums, lots of, it's a, it's a million people, so it's a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big, small city. Yeaah, that's more than enough. And, uh, lot, you know, it's, it's not, uh, not like big like Toronto or Montreal or Vancouver, but, uh, yeaah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, cause it's the capital, it's interesting. Very beautiful city. Go in the summer, don't go in the winter. It's very cold, very cold city. Yeaah, yeaah. Uhm, you know, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, other cities, uh, I mean, you've pretty much named them all, you know, Calgary, Edmonton, Edmonton, probably, you know, another city I've not been to in Canada, which I'm sort of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wish I have had been there is St. John's Newfoundland. I think that would be a very unique experience. See, that's what I'm looking for. Yeah. You get out there, you're almost like going to Ireland. Okay. I haven't been there, but, uh, Prince Edward Island, Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island is kind of like that. Okay. The Maritimes, the East coast, Halifax. Yeah. Yeah. Very, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they just want to be inside. They're looking for something to do that is inside. Yeaah, well, it's kind of a bit of a catch 22 because it sucks being there in the winter. Sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, do Canadians, I mean this is a question that I get asked, but uh, I'm curious to know from your American perspective, do Canadians laugh differently? Is it a different reaction to the comedy? I don't think so. No. Is it tempered slightly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's, uh, that was probably just, uh, that's just a weird rogue occurrence, I think. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I, I, uh, I started doing stand-up at YakYaks when I was a teenager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and at the same, the same club, the club's moved, but it's, you know, the same owner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Howard Wagman, he's been there, been there since over 30 years, you know? And, uh, great guy, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I wasn't touring, you know, I didn't tour. I was, I started doing amateur night. I'd go down when I was a kid because I wanted to see Harland Williams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially in Canada. Yeah, I mean these, these, these guys were, they were all in their twenties though then and they hadn't even moved to the states yet. Yeah. Harland and Norm hadn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Norm wasn't on Saturday Night Live, yet I remember when they all moved down here, it was kind of like very inspiring, cause


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was sort of a kid and I thought, oh, these guys were like 10 years older than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was sort of them, the dream was, wow, they're going off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing stand up, you know? Yeah. Uhm, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I, uh, I did it till, I did it probably till I was about 20 and then I, I stopped and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Started, uh, I went back to school and took, uh, broadcasting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't think I ever really, you know, was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, basically for 15 years, I was, um, I was, I was doing a college radio show and then I started the Tom Green show and I just did that all day, every day. You know, that's all I did for 15 years was, was basically worried about, uh, you know, making weird videos and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I kinda like, I kinda just, uh, I definitely regret in some way, not regret, but sometimes I think in hindsight, like man, if I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it was a, it was a sort of a surreal


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a very surreal few years when just readjusting to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, cause you know, I did the show. Like I said, I was doing yuck yucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, I, I, what actually happened, I got this record deal in Canada for a rap group that I was in when I was 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of why I stopped doing the standup cause we went and we started this rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Well I've been doing it. What was your group called? We were called Organized Rhyme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, hit record in Canada, like, you know, we didn't make any money or anything like that. It was just kind of like, it was number one on the top 10 at 10 on the radio, but you know, we weren't selling records or anything like that. And, um, and then, um, you know, that kind of fizzled out. I went back to school and, uh, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Started the show with my friends from college, from broadcasting school, and did the show for about five years. And you're just doing this for fun? Voluntarily. Voluntarily. At a public access station, making videos, making videos. And back then, it's harder too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not even that. It was actually tape. So you were, it was tape to tape, beta cam or three quarter inch tape or high eight tape. So you'd have two machines. I edited everything myself. So that's why I went to broadcasting school. Cause I figured no one was going to make my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, I was, I was kind of a very motivated and driven kid. So I was actually, I did have expectations. I was trying to sell the show from the day, uh, but you know, like- Were you getting feedback? Like, were people coming up to you? I was like a, like a total nerd, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Video geek and, I mean, the way I got the record deal was cause I started buying a lot of like, like I work a summer job and buy a drum machine and then I'd make this rap demo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I would go to like when a local Canadian rap group was performing, I'd show up with my demo tape and like, like hand it to the, the manager, you know? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrified of having to work telemarketing jobs. I was worked as a mover. I was working as a landscaper. I was doing tons of stuff like that. So I was terrified. So, so, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But basically, uh, when the show got picked up by MTV, it was kinda like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 years of like hustling around trying to make something happen and then all of a sudden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it, it sort of exploded overnight on MTV, which was shocking because, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't, we didn't have MTV in Canada. So like we had much music. I mean, it's sort of, it's sort of the same thing, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the, the long short story is I went and did this talk show in Canada called the Mike Bullard show. It was the David Letterman of Canada and I would do these ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stunts on the show, like things that I'm not even sure I want to repeat. Like I showed up with a suitcase and as I repeat it, showed up with a suitcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handcuffed to me and then in the middle of the interview, I opened it and there's a dead raccoon in it and it's rotting and I started shaving it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they have to stop tape and the host goes and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is sick, you know, you know, and, uh, it's like makes like news and stuff in Canada. It was, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should not be repeating this, should I? Uh, I should not be. It's a turn on. It's a turn on. It's on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My future manager who's now my friend Howard Lapidus and he managed Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he saw my crazy talk show appearance and I gave him some tapes and he took them to MTV and that's how I got on MTV. Isn't that crazy? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had no money and nobody was sort of like, so like the, you couldn't go buy a video camera because a video camera was $2,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then once you had a video camera, what are you going to do with that? You can't edit the video. How thought out were your bits? I went to college so I could get my hands on a video camera. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of a mixture, like, uh, we would spend a lot of our time, you know, writing, you know, we'd sit down, me and my buddies, and we'd think of what's the most ridiculous thing we can think of to do, and we'd, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, so there was a mixture of things, like the pranks on my parents were planned out, you know, um, but, uh, you know, and there was lots of sort of performance already kind of stunts and things like that. But then sometimes stuff would just happen where like a guy would start yelling at me on the street and that was like funnier than anything. So, you know, so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well they were always very supportive, uhm, uh, very supportive of everything, but then the show got a little, you know, in their face, you know, and they were conflicted because, uh, you know, I was in college studying this stuff, so they sort of saw that I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, we would, we would go, we would get them a lot in the middle of the night. So they were less supportive cause it was three o'clock in the morning when we were barging into their room or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, uh, they, they were, they were supportive when I was a kid, when I was, uh, you know, when I was 16 years old, we, or 17 years old, we had this opportunity to go record music in New York and they like paid for our, you know, uh, you know, our trip down there and me and my buddy from my rap group. And we went down to New York with music for the summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I snuck into, uh, NBC and snuck into the Letterman studio and all sorts of stuff like that. Got kicked out, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saw the tapes. So I, we sent them the tapes and, uh, they said, do you have any more of these tapes? You know, I sent them like my five favorite clips, right? Yeah. So do you have any more of these videos? I said, uh, yeah, I have about 1000 of these videos actually all on, you know, mastered on beta cam, you know, you know, professional at that time, professional video level, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they said, oh, okay, uh, we want you to, uh, come pitch the show. They flew me down to LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put me up in the Chateau Marm, uh, no, the, the, the, the Mondrian Hotel, the Mondrian. And then, uh, I had to go over and pitch the show to, uh, the MTV executives at the House of Blues and on this big pitch session.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, then they, they picked it up and moved me and... Did the pitch go well? It went, it went pretty well. I kinda was like, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was a very naive, uh, person, I think, to show business and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I, uh, was very, very confident, I think much more confident than, than I am now, actually, you know, to be honest with you, because I was naive to the fact that I probably should not be confident, you know? Right. But, uh, at that time I did not know that nobody had told me that yet. So, you know, I went. Isn't it funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I showed up with, uh, the, the, the executive at MTV would kind of like, uh, sort of shepherded me in there, uh, into this pitch meeting had told me, okay, I want you to bring these four clips, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Painting your parents house. Plaid. Painting the car. You know, the slut mobile, right? Uh, uh, falling down on crutches on the street. Uh, I think the other one was when I went into the pharmacy to buy condoms and then I said, Oh, I also want to play this one where I'm


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean, really? No, no, no, don't play that one. So literally it's like, you know, this was pre-digital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tells me to make a VHS tape and there's going to be a VHS machine. I'm going to walk in the room, pitch the show, put the VHS in, play them one at a time. So I show up with a VHS tape. I of course put the sucking milk out of the cows that are dressed as Captain Kirk as the last video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, I also brought a, a suitcase again, an Adidas bag actually, and in it I had two bottles of shaving cream and a towel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, basically went in, pitched the show in front of all these executives, talked about, you know, I did have a serious pitch. I, I, I remember, I remember I was quite serious about, like, my understanding of what I was doing. I mean, I, I did sort of explain to them, you know, we're shooting this on a home video camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people don't air stuff shot with a home video camera on television. It's going to make it more relatable to kids who watch skateboard videos and stuff. And I explained, you know, sort of my theory behind it. So they saw that I was somewhat rational person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Played all the videos, big laughs, big laughs in the room. Then I played the last one. Told them that the executive told me not to play it, but I'm playing it anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like, this was before, you know, uh, gross out TV thing. Yeah. What's going on? You know, it was before like, you know, Jackass and stuff like that, obviously, but there was some stuff like that. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I mean, there was like something about Mary. I remember when I saw the movie Something About Mary, you know, with the, you know, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kinda like thinking, wow, that's pretty shocking, you know? So there was still some gross-out stuff out there. That was before the show on MTV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but anyway, so the pitch ended, and then I, I for whatever reason thought this would be a good idea, I went and I lay down on the boardroom table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And started thrashing around, like I used to like to thrash around a lot, like very violently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. What was great? It was pre-internet, really. Yeah, that's what it is. I mean, there was, there was internet, but there was no video on the internet. Right. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the, the new thing was people were now downloading music off Napster. That was the only real access to content on the internet. You know, like, like audio or video content was audio content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the only place you could watch a music video is on much music. The only place you could watch, or, or MTV. Yeah. Much music. The only place you could watch, so everybody watched MTV. Yeah. So it was, it was wild. I remember it was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, that's been interesting being on Road Rules, but, uh, so there was not many shows, and then they would run, like, my show, like, five times in a row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was just all day, all day. I never really understood that or was expecting that kind of thing, but all I know is that the thing that was basically the thing that really freaked me out was about, I don't know, two weeks after the show was on the air, a call from Letterman wanted me to be a guest on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, then that fell through and I didn't get to go on the show as a guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I went on like a month later. So it was like literally like six weeks into the, into the, to being living in a New York. I was on who I idolized. I idolized Letterman. I mean, that was my whole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole life was basically revolved around idolizing Letterman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But obviously if you're listening, you can't see it. That's true. Yeah, but this is on YouTube so they can see it on YouTube. So this is like, uh, my parents place, my house I grew up in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I watch a lot of YouTube pranks these days, some of them go to the place where it's very mean, you know, and I feel like that's kind of where people don't quite understand, like that's where you lose the funny, you know, it's gotta be, it's gotta be unjustified outrage. Like when people get mad at you, it's gotta be somewhat unjustified. In this case, it's justified, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're my parents. It's different. It's different. But if I did that to somebody else, who weren't my parents and I didn't have that relationship, it would have been, I would have been being mean by painting their car. Interesting. Because they're my parents and there's, so there's sort of a, sort of a subtle line you kind of walk with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the aftermath were those answering machine messages. Those were coming in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we didn't do anything for a while. Like I didn't, we didn't reveal to them right away that we had the hood that we could swap. Would you say a while? A week? No, like, like, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Landline that I had my own personal landline and leave a voice message and I would listen to it. I, you knew, remember how the world worked then? Like you would, you would kinda, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Memorized phone numbers? Well yea, you, you, you, you, that was how you stayed in touch with people. Like if, if, I left, I knew my mother wanted to talk to me, I didn't have a cell phone, so I would go to a pay phone, put a quarter in it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call my voicemail and check if my mother had called and left an angry message and sure enough she had. And then I called 10 minutes later and she'd left another one and another one. And so as the day went on, she left five and, and I was sitting there, you know, with my friends who were sort of wrote the show together and, and we're thinking, well, we can't, we can't, uh, go tell her that the hoods, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we just kind of waited. And she was really mad because her mother and her sister were coming to visit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was, it was, I, I kinda have this relationship with my parents where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joking like that, like was kind of a, kind of acceptable. I mean, like they, they, I could tell they thought it was, they would watch the show every week. So it would, so the show aired live. It was live on Thursday night on this public access station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Called Roger's cable in, in Ottawa. So every Thursday night I would run around all week and film these clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, they would watch, you know, so, and they would always kind of laugh at themselves afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Sure, yeaah, yeaah. I mean, they, they, they, they did. And, uh, I mean, it kind of, it kind of, uh, so the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the, we went to New York and they thought the pranks were done and then we had this prop budget now from MTV and I flew back to Canada without telling them that I was coming back. We had the MTV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prop department come with us, prop designers. We like flew back to Ottawa with like a crew of like 12 people or something like that without telling my parents I was back in town. We were there for a few days without my parents even knowing I was there. Built these, uh, statues of my parents having sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] into like, lawsuit type of, they talked about lawsuit, like that was the first time it got to that place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where we got back to New York, they called and left a message on the answering machine and answering machine. They had an answering machine at MTV. They left a message saying, you know, if, if, if you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my dad said, uh, what was it he said, uh, if you air that clip,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was his threat. And uh, so MTV said I couldn't air the clip. This was all like the first couple of months of doing the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I wasn't allowed to air that clip of the sex statues and MTV wasn't going to let me air it unless my parents signed a release form. My parents were like, literally my mother was not talking to me. And like right when that happened, I told, I told the story a few times, but not, not too many times, but like, so I don't know if I've ever told you this story, but right before, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother was not talking to me and they were literally, I actually think they were considering some sort of legal thing because I didn't realize like my mother,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of conservative, like I didn't realize that, and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've been doing these pranks for a few years now, but it was this sort of the sexual...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Undertone or overt sexual nature of the bit that really, really embarrassed her, you know, and she was really, really, really mad and upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I felt bad, uh, but it was hilarious. The bit was hilarious. I mean, it really was hilarious. So I did want to air it. And I kind of felt like my mother was overreacting because like, you know, it's just a statute. You know what I mean? It's not, it's, but, um, so, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things are getting really bad and then it's this weirdest timing, but, and this is how weird the show was sort of to talk about how weird it was. Oprah calls the show and wants to book my parents and I on her Mother's Day special. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I call my mother. Been living in New York for maybe two months. She's not talking to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, I say, dad, put mom on the phone, let me, let her listen. I say, Oprah wants us to go on a Mother's Day special. You know, she wants to play the slut mobile, she wants to play painting the house, you know, and, uh, and she's got this whole plan to apologize to you guys on my behalf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she of course was very impressed, you know, everybody's mom loves Oprah, right? Yeah. So he flew to Chicago, did the show, Oprah then surprises me and them and gives them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. And then that night at dinner, uh, you know, I pulled the release form out of my back pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those, they were crazy times, but you know, I guess it was, you know, like, I mean, I, I mean, it was, uh, it was a very strange time because, you know, uh, you know, I, I, I, I sometimes admit like, you know, I'm trying, I'm trying to find an ex, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know, uh, don't have regrets because every failure is actually something that you learn from and then you learn from that and that makes you who you are and all that. So I'm sort of trying to like tell myself that like, you know, but, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, like it is kind of a mind fuck, you know, like, like going through that because all of a sudden you're thinking, okay, shit, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on Oprah and Letterman and, uh, you know, they asked me to host Saturday Night Live, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I was directing my movie, Freddy Got Fingered. Yeah. And, uh, that I wrote. Love it. I'd never written a movie, you know? I don't know how to write a movie. But for some reason, like, I thought, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to write a movie as opposed to go do a perfectly good movie that other people who are professional movie writers make that are asking me to do. And I'm like so like naive and like overconfident that I'm actually going to myself. Oh no, no, no, I don't want to do your movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you sort of, you know, are running on this sort of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adrenaline, excitement, and a bit of like, kind of fear. Cause you're kind of go like, shit, like, I hope nobody like, figures out that I actually don't know how to make a movie. Of course. Cause they're just, they're, we're making it. Are you saying that that's your regret then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think, I think I like, so I think to myself sometimes I think like, okay, if I had been less naive, maybe I would have done things differently and who knows what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would have been different, you know, like, you know, but, uh, but, uh, you know, I think, I think I would have, I wish I could have just sort of gone with the flow a little bit more at some times. Like when I hosted Saturday Night Live, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Derek and my friend Sean. Friends from high school. And they're writers on my show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're all friends. We're not really writers. You know, we're calling ourselves writers now, but you know, we're not really writers at the time. Now, now they are writers actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both got big careers as writers and television up in Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time we weren't really writers, we were just friends and we started the show and everything was going great and Saturday Night Live asked me to come host it and I'm like completely like flabbergasted that I'm getting to host Saturday Night Live and nervous as shit about it, you know? And then I say, uh, I say to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Saturday Night Live I say, is it all right if my friends come and help me write some clips, some bits for the show? So they're like, yeah, sure. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They open up a little office and, uh, for my two friends and I, and we go down. This is not what you're supposed to do though, when you host Saturday Night Live. You're supposed to go down and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So I think to myself, oh, maybe it would have been better if I just went in and did the sketches that they wrote and, and had fun. Did you do none of the sketches they wrote? I did quite a few of them. Yeah. Yeah. But I did also like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one was me and Will Ferrell dressed up as eagles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we're in front of a, uh, green screen, and there's like a, uh, a eagle's nest behind us, and we're in these elaborate eagle costumes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, Jimmy Fallon is at, on the stage, you know, with another green screen and he's looking through binoculars at the Eagles and then it cuts to us as the Eagles. And then we basically, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, you know, it was weird shit like that. And, uh, so then another thing that happened was, okay, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do a rehearsal show, and uhm, and uh, they do a bunch of sketches that don't end up on the actual show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause you know, you do more sketches and, so I, one of the sketches in the rehearsal show was uhm, oh shit, I just forgot what I was gonna say. There was, there was, there was a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my mental block just now was I started feeling weird talking about myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get self-conscious sometimes, cause you know, it's like, you know, fuck off buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One sketch, let me tell you a couple of sketches. One sketch was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bathtub with Lorne Michaels. And they had like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a sketch written for us. This was a pre-taped sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so we did the sketch. And then when the sketch was done, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said to Lorne Michaels, uh, Lorne, can I try improvising something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a pre-take, right? Everyone's all nervous on the set, too. It's all quiet, and sort of everyone's pretty tense on the set over there for some reason. Uhm, very serious. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, splashing, water splashing, and I go on and on and on and on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just stop. And then Lauren goes, like, Lauren had some line that he threw out there and it was, and it killed. He had a funny line that was sort of making fun of me for being an idiot. And then that, that ended up running, you know? So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I guess some of the writers who wrote the sketch that didn't like end up actually running because of this thing that I improvised. I just think people started getting like, kind of like bummed that I was like running around doing all this improvising and shit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the, I remember the story that I was going to tell when, um, when I got self-conscious about talking about myself too much and forgot what the story was. So there's a, in the rehearsal show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This sketch actually ended up airing. In the rehearsal show, there was a sketch where I play a wizard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was one of the ones that they wrote. It was Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon, and myself. And I'm a wizard. I think we're all wizards or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for whatever reason, they have me holding a pot belly pig, a live pot belly pig. And, um, I have like one line in the sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple of lines, and then Will Ferrell, it's sort of a monologue for Will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I noticed in the rehearsal show that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you hold the pig and your finger just sort of lightly grazes its stomach, it starts squealing like a, like a maniac. Like it's the craziest. And the trainer comes up and says, Oh, don't, don't touch its stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go crazy when they do that. It's like literally sounds like, you know, you know, it sounds like it's, you know, not doing well, but it's, it doesn't hurt it or anything like that, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do that in the rehearsal show, save it for the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then the live show happens and we go on and, and, you know, of course the sketch starts and I immediately begin to sort of lightly caressing his stomach and the thing just screams through, and we're live and the thing screams through the whole, the whole, uh, sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, I mean, I thought it was pretty funny, but, uh, I don't know if they, I don't know if they like that too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like, you know, think I'm an asshole or something like that cause I made the pig squeal. Yeah. When, when, you know, uh, so you know, it's like, you know, you know, things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mentioned in your email when you invited me that you thought I was a nice person. The nicest. So, you know, I appreciate that, but I think part of the reason why I'm a nice person is because maybe I feel like I have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, yeaah. It took me a while to figure that out because sometimes I thought...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I get very nervous around, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that I, you know, I get nervous when I meet you guys, you know, for the first time. I'm like, what am I going to say? You know, and I get nervous when I go to the comedy store and, and you know, you're backstage and there's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know, David Spade's going on, you know, and I'm like, Oh my God, like there's David Spade right there. You know, I'm kind of nervous, you know, you know, so, and that doesn't really go away. I did this, you know, internet show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like this, uh, for years in my living room a few years ago. And interviewed tons of people and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly think I kind of stopped doing it cause it was, I had too much anxiety about having to meet the people that were coming up. I'm like, Oh shit, we invited Val Kilmer and he's coming. Holy shit. I'm going to have to sit with Val Kilmer for an hour. Oh my God. What the fuck am I going to do? You know, and then I ended up having anxiety about it all week. Yeah. You know, so I just kind of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I just, my podcast, I just walk around, you know, just talking to a microphone by myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I had, I think I definitely have sort of a, you know, when, when you, when I was a kid, I was like super skinny kid, you know, we were, I was an army brat so we'd move every year. I was always very insecure about, you know, myself and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that was sort of my self-defense mechanism was like trying to be like outrageous and yeaah, and you know, like so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know, you can't make fun of me in the hallway because I just crashed into a garbage can and like, you know, you know, fell into a bookshelf, you know, and obviously I did it on purpose. So now you can't make fun of me for being an idiot because clearly I'm trying to be an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, we stopped, I stopped moving when I was seven, so. Oh. Yeah, we moved to Ottawa when I was seven, and then I stayed there, so. Yeah. So I just moved every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tough one to answer because like I know everybody, and you know, everybody that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it blatantly, you know, has expressed to me that they're fans of mine and I'm fans of theirs too and we're friends. Um, and I get asked about this, you know, when I do press, when I'm on the road and people ask me about all the shows and you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a problem with it when they do the exact bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a lot of people that have done every one of my bits. There's a few, there's a couple of shows, big shows. Everyone knows probably what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've done every single one of my bits. Like the exact bit. Like painted the parent's house, you know? Put the animals in the house, you know? You know, went out and, you know, pretended they were, you know, so, so when I see them doing the exact bit, for me it's, it's a little hard to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's like, I go like, I remember when we came up with that, my friends and I came up with painting my parents' house and thinking to ourself, okay, shit, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like sucking milk out of a cow's udder, for instance. Not something like that is probably one of my cleverest bits, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw somebody, big show last week on Instagram, doing that. And I'm like, exactly. You know, I'm like, okay, that's, you know, if you want to do that exact bit, that's fine. But I feel it's a little bit, uh, a little bit weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when it's like shot for shot, you know, the same thing. That's totally different. And, and, and when there's, when there's, you know, not dozens, but like literally like, you know, almost...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's a hundred bits that are exactly the same. You start to go, well, that's kind of unfair, you know, but, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then at the same time, you know, I've gone through phases of how I deal with this emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first started seeing that. Sure. And then I got tired of being angry about it. So I started, you know, being more kind of like, oh yeah, we're all, you know, doing the, we're all inspired by things. And then lately I'm kind of a little bit more like, no, I'm just going to talk about it. You know, I'm just going to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause I, look, I, I, I, you know, my line for a few years when asked about this was, you know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was inspired by Letterman, right? Letterman would yell out of his office with a megaphone. So then I wanted to go out in the street with a megaphone, right? So that's kind of a, you know, a borrowed thing, but it's a little different when it's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know how you can push them, and you know where you can push them, and you know that ultimately, even if you push them a little bit too far, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's like when you send stuff like that to your mother, it's funny because she's, she's offended on multiple levels. One level she's offended by what you sent, but then she's also offended that you would send that to your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda. I mean, we were pretty nerdy. I mean, we were much nerdier than this guy. This guy's got the tats, the gold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were more trying to be like, beastie boys. Right. But, uh, but we were kind of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were kinda nerdy, you know? Uhm, and uh, you know, I, I made all these songs and we, I managed to convince...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in Toronto, we went and did a show in Toronto and you know, the hardcore Toronto urban hip hop community, which exists and is real and was, was, was not happy that, that this sort of, uh, you know, a nerdy white group from Ottawa got a record deal. Of sure. You know, when, you know, where did we come from kind of thing. And, uh, we did this show once in Toronto and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, the song was, the chorus was, check the OR, you like it so far. Right? Nerdy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so then, you know, we went and performed at the show and this other rap group went on before us and they were like, they had guns. Okay. And they were, they, they revealed the guns. Like we saw the guns and this is Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody's got guns in Canada. Right. But these guys had guns and they were, their rap was fuck the OR, we hate it so far, right? They did before us, right? And then there's like a total beef thing. And then we would, then we went on stage and performed in front of this, you know, all hip hop crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm. How'd you do? We were basically the only white people there basically, which is fine, but it was like, you know, and half the audience did not like us. I have so much anxiety right now. Half the audience liked us because they were sort of down with our crew because we got signed with this band called the Dream Warriors, which were, you know, a real band in Toronto that were popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but then the other half, like it was sort of like rival gangs and stuff. You know, we have that in Canada. A guy was pointing a gun at me while I was on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he probably used it so much that it broke. Yep. And, uh, and, uh, and, uh, and then, then they were, people were grabbing me while I was on stage and pulling me into the crowd and punching me in the head, basically. And we kept rapping, we did this whole thing. It was, it was, it was at this, it was called The Barbecue, it was what it was called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, uh, basically this underground, like, hip hop, uh, you know, venue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, then we had to get like sort of like rushed through the crowd after everyone was taking punches at us and stuff. It was, it was pretty cool. It actually felt very exciting at the time. But, uh, I have a feeling like if I looked like that guy, they might've been more accepted. Maybe. That guy's a little more hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely like, uh, you know, I'm in a position here of, uh, I have to really kind of figure like, how am I supposed to react? You know, cause like, you know, cause, cause, uh, it is kind of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I talk about this too much, about, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 47, so, you know, I clearly have a very clear and real memory of no internet. You know, not no internet, but no video on the internet. So, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was always very fascinated by crazy videos because there was very few of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you. Even though I do maybe want to see it later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's gonna like, he's gonna be 40 some day. This video's gonna be out there on the internet probably, right? Or is he able to delete this?


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[Assistant] It was as if he, uh, you know, knew what he was talking about or something.


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[Assistant] It's sort of like, uh, you know, the only way to break through, I guess, the din of all of this information now is to say something wrong. You know, is to sort of essentially do something shocking. Uhm, but like, I kinda like, I agree, like, it's kinda like, it's so


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[Assistant] There's so much of it now. In a way, it's kind of why I sort of stopped doing videos. Like, even though I may do another version of my show, by the way. I'm not actually able to announce it officially yet, but I am talking to


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[Assistant] But it's gonna be interesting because it is a different, you know, a different world now, you know, like, you know, it's like you said, like, you know, we can watch, you know, you know,


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[Assistant] All of this crazy stuff now, so, I think that's kind of big, was a big motivator for me to actually start doing stand-up again, you know, because I feel, I realized like that's something that you can't just sort of...


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[Assistant] You know, people can't just copy that.


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[Assistant] Complimenting. Oh, that's really, that's, that's, that's good to hear, cause I, I, I, you know, you know, you don't know what people say, but. Of course. Yeah. No, it's great. It's like, it's, uh.


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[Assistant] You know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I feel fortunate that, you know, MTV pumped my show out all over the world. So it's given me a lot of opportunity to perform, you know? Sure. So I get to go, you know, I've done like Australia and I've just did, you know,


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[Assistant] England and stuff last year, and I'm sort of always going. That's great. Because I'm kind of, uh,


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[Assistant] You know, I don't have kids, uh, uh, you know, I may want to have kids someday, I'm getting pretty old now, but uh, you know, I have a lot of free time, you know, so I'm able to just kind of keep going, and uh, it's been, it's been amazing.


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[Assistant] I think I'd seen that, uh, that clip. Oh really? Recently. Yeah. Yeah, that was, uh, you know.


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[Assistant] I think people kinda lose their mind a little bit when they get famous, you know? And then they like, uh, you know, feel like maybe, maybe, I don't know, if it's social anxiety, they don't know how to deal with all the people talking to them, or maybe they're just assholes to begin with.


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[Assistant] I think it's a little bit of that. And, uh, you know, cause it seems to happen a fair amount. Not, not, not, not, I wouldn't say all the time, but like, maybe half the time.


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[Assistant] It seems to be, yeah, yeah, everyone seems pretty, that's what, that's what I've been loving about doing sets around town and in LA here is like, you know, you get to interact with a lot of your, uh, your heroes, you know? It's pretty cool. It is pretty cool. Yeah, yeah, it's, uh, it's pretty wild. You know, that's cool. So, um, amazing. So like, what's this?


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[Assistant] Ah, that's nice. I gotta get one of these. I have a little recording studio at home. I'm making hip hop beats. I'm getting back into it. Do you want me to put you in touch with Brian Silva?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Maybe still like what you could do is make it a movie theater room, but just keep the mics out so you could sit around on the couches and do it here without all the table and stuff. That's a good idea.


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[Assistant] So then if you ever don't feel like going into the studio, cause I'll tell you, like I had a studio in my house.


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[Assistant] Okay, for, for about five years, I called it WebO vision. You know, we did the camera, switcher, everything.


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[Assistant] And, uh, you know, Val Kilmer came up to the, you know, people come up to the house and, and, uh, you know, I, I loved it. And then at a certain point I was kind of like, Oh, I don't want to do it in the house. Right. So then I moved the studio somewhere else and then, um,


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[Assistant] Then I kinda like realized, well, I don't always want to have to go there either, you know?


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[Assistant] Cause then you gotta drive all the way over there and, you know, it's like here, it's like, you know, you guys...


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[Assistant] Wake up, the guest shows up, do the thing, and then I leave, and you're still at home, you know, so. I like this. But, uh, gotcha, gotcha pussy talking to you now, right? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I haven't really talked about this before, but I've been doing something kinda weird lately. Like I've been growing it real long and then braiding it.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's just, it's just for myself really. It's for you, okay. It's not really for...


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[Assistant] I have not, uh, requested that.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't make, like, I do try to not fart in front of people. See? That's very nice. But uhm, yeaah, that's something I try to avoid doing too.


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[Assistant] Uh, like, you know, like the, where they're solving the, the, the, the, on the, Yeah. Yeah, I watch those sometimes, yeah.


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[Assistant] My favorite thing to watch. Well, let's see. Uhm.


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[Assistant] I watched Netflix, I was watching like, you know, like the show, the show, the last few years, I know that's probably shows people watched already, like House of Cards, I liked House of Cards. Yea, that's a good one. I guess you can't like that anymore. Of course.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I haven't seen that all yet. So good. But I do, I do, uh, I do like that a lot. I want, I want, that's, I've been meaning to watch that. I honestly have not really...


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[Assistant] Been watching much television, uh, lately. I, I kind of watch C, I was watching CNN basically on loop for about the last, uh, seven years. And then this year I kind of stopped watching it. It's good.


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[Assistant] I cancelled my cable after the election because I was just sort of, uh, over it. And, uh, you know, I kind of sort of felt like,


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[Assistant] I felt a little angry at CNN, actually, to be honest with you, because I felt like the way they reported on, you know, not to get too political or anything, but the way they reported on the election


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[Assistant] I believe life kinda influenced the outcome. Not just, not just them, but the entire media, you know, and it sort of like angered me a little bit. Because you know when you're like, when you work in...


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[Assistant] television or, you know, when you've done a TV show, which involves doing something shocking and then getting to people to talk about it, right? You know, you realize, oh, that's, that's like a, a very real technique, you know, so that's what Trump was doing and that's what people are doing now. It's like say something shocking. And then the media, which you think would be like kind of.


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[Assistant] That CNN was like really reporting the news, you know? And now I sort of, I definitely like,


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[Assistant] I became extremely afraid that there was going to be some piece of news that I didn't get.


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[Assistant] Quickly enough. Right. So that I would be like, you know, like.


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[Assistant] You know? Oh, I don't have any water in the house, you know? So, I'm not like a conspiracy guy or like a, you know, hoarder or like a doomsday prepper or anything like that.


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[Assistant] You know, some interesting, interesting. Did you see Drake on LeBron?


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[Assistant] You know, jiu-jitsu right against him. That was really fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Not nice, not nice to our Canadian, uh. That was really fucked up, man.


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[Assistant] But you know, looks like, uh, he's a bit of a fucked up guy.


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[Assistant] So what I've been doing lately, and everyone follow me on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. It's Tom Green on Instagram. Follow me. Uhm, I'm talking to the home viewers too. I'd love it if you guys follow me too. But, uh, I've been, I've been, uh,


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[Assistant] We've got a hard drive with all the old videos I did, and I've been going through and I've been re-editing them. Not just taking clips, but I've been re-editing them.


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[Assistant] I'm making these little one minute loops. I love it. Yep. So go, go follow my Instagram and, uh, at and leave a comment. Tom Green. Yep. All right. I love it. Thanks so much for having me on the show. This was great. Wow. So great. Cool. I hope I didn't talk too much about myself. No man.


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[Assistant] Black eyes, who love to fuck and fuck good.


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[Assistant] Uh, 23 now. Uh, you wanna move in? You can move in.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] A big announcement. Pull your pants up over your head. Jeans.


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[Assistant] A pre-sale is in effect today!