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[Assistant] Brady should be able to like, if he wants to die in a game, let him do it. If you lose eight playoffs in a row.


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[Assistant] Row, that's okay. Then we lose eight playoffs in a row. That guy gave us six Super Bowls and we're tied as the most ever. So let's, and then now he's got more than every franchise. Instead of y'all rushed him off and then he went and won it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Lebron, a big thing, Lebron played nine straight finals. That's insane. Yeah. That's the thing that even though he went home, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yes.


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[Assistant] No, when that game was on, you know what? We lost that weekend. So The Weekend Mayor tweeted that. That's right. I had a bunch of texts. I saw the game before my show and then we lost, I want to say Wisconsin or something. That's right. You're right. And then I saw all these texts. I was like, golly, all these Twitter notifications. I was like, is everybody just making fun of me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vanderbilt lost or something, and it was the Marin thing. But the 2012 one-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was, uh, okay, yeaah, yeaah. And then it was. So that, but that was the year we won the SEC Championship. I was like, this is not good. Like, uh, you know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was, it was, you know, you do think there's, you know, there's time for changes and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ask him, have you tried to message him?


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[Assistant] Uh, February 8, 2009 is when he joined. And he said, I'm on the computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came back October 12, 2009. It says, is on the computer again. I never hardly go on Twitter. This is only my second time ever. I'm regularly on Facebook though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just say Instagram with an H in the middle and then let them figure out the H part.


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[Assistant] Okay. There's a Nate, I have a Nate land that I was trying to get forever, uh, on Twitter and it's a guy named Nathan something. And I didn't know how to like get, uh, there is Nate land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoops. That's like walking out on the music city miracle. Uh, all right. He's a wave assassin. Is his name Nate land?


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[Assistant] Alright everybody, uh, thank you as always. Uh, we love you, Graham. Go to Instagram, Graham K. See, it's hard. Instagram K on all your stuff. Just on Instagram. Mr. Graham K.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a, I wanted to get a nateland.com and I think there's a, there is a nateland.com, but I don't know if it's whose it is. And I, it says it's like, I don't know. It says again, I didn't look into it.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it says that you can't load it. I would love to get NateLane.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there, uh, yeaah, I'd love to see if I can, uh.


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[Assistant] And we had, we had a guy that just came to the show a couple of weeks ago, uh, that gave us thegreatestaverageamerican.com. Oh, that's awesome. We called it out to the special and I was like, well, that's good. That's really nice. Thegreatestaverageamerican.com. So if you, I think if you look that up, you can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but man, so you just move on so quick. What do you mean? Why, why can't you get Nateland? Somebody has it. I know, but like they're not using it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Alright, uh, alright everybody. We love you as always. Thank you. We'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks everybody for listening to the Nate Land Podcast. Be sure to subscribe to our show on iTunes, Spotify, you know, wherever you listen to your podcasts. And please remember to leave us a rating or comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate Land is produced by me, Nate Barghetti, and my wife Laura on the All Things Comedy Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nate Land Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello folks. Welcome to the Nate Land podcast. I'm Nate Barghetti, Brian Bates, Aaron Weber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you to our good friends at Viori for sponsoring this episode of Nate Land. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at Viori.com slash Nate. You will not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but you will enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you're carrying a credit balance month after month, it can feel like you are in a never-ending cycle of debt. Upstart can help you make that final payment so you can get ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash nate. That's upstart.com slash nate. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you. And also finally, uh, we


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you want to eat tonight? That's basically it. What do you want to eat tonight? Maybe you want a home cooked favorite, but don't feel like going to the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DoorDash is the way to go. Uh, you can get something new too. You can go to a restaurant. DoorDash connects you with everything you want whenever and however you want it. We use it all the time. For a limited time you can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on your first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code Nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, alright everybody, welcome. Welcome to the podcast, sorry my voice is still, I woke up maybe 15 seconds ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 11 o'clock. It was a tough one. We had some all, we've had some rough traveling.


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[Assistant] To get here, uh, I think all of us, uh, and we're, we're tell y'all about that, uh, shortly. But I wanna start, uh, with you guys, uh, with our, uh, with our comments. Uh, first up, Paul Snider.


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[Assistant] Listen to Nate and Aaron break down Shakespeare and Romeo's name and then immediately have Nate butcher the name of the next listener, Dunstan. Is exactly what keeps me coming back.


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[Assistant] So we should have that. I think we're giving you everything we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cuts would be, this, this would probably be, uh, uh, watchable.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Did he really chime in? Yeaah, he did. Yeaah, that's funny. Uh, that's how he made it. There we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought Dwayne Wade and Patrick Babin. I think that's why. Yeaah. Cause you think Dwayne Wade.


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[Assistant] Maybe the hardest I've laughed in a Nate Land podcast was Nate saying you'd see a picture of Romeo and Tupac together. It was so out of nowhere. It was hilarious. You remember saying that? Not really, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Vander Koy sounds, that name goes to, it wasn't good to be in like, it's a pretty good last name.


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[Assistant] I hope they're Vander Koy. There's two O's though, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I want to see where they're located. To my surprise, these both sound like fake names that you're like, we got back to back witness protection people.


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[Assistant] To my surprise this past Saturday morning, my wife told me we had tickets to Nate's show in Greensboro, North Carolina, and I needed to start packing for the trip. Hands down, the best live stand-up I've seen yet. My wife was the one to yell, let's go folks, from near their front row when Nate walked out during the late show and Nate gave it a little acknowledgement, and now she won't shut up about it.


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[Assistant] We love the podcast. Thanks to all three of you for everything you do. Maybe one day we'll make it up to Nashville to see Bubbles and Rudy strut their stuff too. You need to come up and see them. They only do local shows.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. No other state wants them, but head on up.


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[Assistant] You know, I loved, I got yelled, let's go folks, every show. We did eight shows. Yeah. And, uh, every show. And I was like, that's it. That's pretty cool. That's why it's that, like, I'm glad we're, we're at HelloFolks here.


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[Assistant] It's figured its home out. It's a nice place. Yo, let's go folks. It's very inside. A lot of people don't know we have a podcast either, so they all think we're crazy.


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[Assistant] They think those people are crazy and then I acknowledge them and they're like, we don't know what's happening.


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[Assistant] My wife and I got to see Nate this past Sunday in Charlottesville, Virginia, but in order to do so, I had to miss the Bears game. I signed up for NFL Game Pass as service for watching full game replays, seemingly for this exact situation. I logged in, clicked on the game, and was practically smacked in the face with a final score.


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[Assistant] The website seemed to enjoy spoiling the game. Unbelievable. Nevertheless, I really enjoy the show and I'm a huge fan of the podcast. That's tough.


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[Assistant] You know, I mean, cause you just don't want, uh, A, they got rocked, right? And then, uh, you don't want, you know, you know, I've always think that with like ESPN, like if you don't record it and they're showing the replay, but then they always show the score at the bottom.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and you're like, come on, man. You gotta DVR it.


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[Assistant] That is tough. Uh, sorry Brady. Sorry for all of it, you know? And then, at least you didn't have to sit through that game. Uh, sometimes you're kind of happy where you're like, alright, they got blown out. You're like, I've wasted three hours. That was the one to miss. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Arden Darnell, my friends and I thoroughly enjoyed my birthday gift as we watched Nate perform live for the first time. I was pretty proud of the shirt I created for this. Just thought I would share. Hello folks. Look at that. That's a great shirt.


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[Assistant] I loved it. Thank you, Arden. Uh, Chase Schubert. Larry Bird actually hurt his back redoing his mother's driveway. Having said that, doesn't change the fact that he could have sure hired someone else to do it for him. That is true. That's right. His mother's driveway. Yeah. Still just like, yeah, get someone else. I picture a very long driveway for some reason. I don't know if that's the.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know why, maybe they showed the driveway. It's like a driveway that goes down a hill then back up a hill. It's like a crazy long driveway.


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[Assistant] He stands there with all of them and they go, all right, today boys, Larry, how you doing? You just seen how things going? He goes, I want to help. We go, okay.


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[Assistant] You would need a big bike so it looks normal.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you'd almost have like a tandem one and you ride on the back and then your hands are on the front and then everybody's like, no one really notices it. Then they notice the bike more.


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[Assistant] You know, what the, just saying what the article said. Jenna Kramer. I didn't know anything.


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[Assistant] I was not a part of anything. Uh. You didn't give them the tip? I was the, they said what's your source? I was the source.


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[Assistant] I can't even get it. I kept calling it US Weekly all week.


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[Assistant] The Tom Brady when Tom, uh, Janelle's husband wins the Super Bowl. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, uh, Jay, it was very fun having Jay there. Uh, and yeaah, it was cool. And yeaah, it was funny to read that stuff. Like it was just like, you know, I was like, God, that's crazy. But that's a, that's, people are obsessed with that.


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[Assistant] I'm in the world and they're like mixing it up and you know, and I'm like, man, you know, crazy.


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[Assistant] I said, you want to meet my friend? He has a camera and works for TMZ. It's a buddy of mine. Actually Adam Glenn, I know I'm friends with, he's great. And he worked for TMZ forever. I think does it on his own.


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[Assistant] Now, he's a comic. So I do know someone that's in that world. Like, uh, but he's a comic. He's a good dude. Uhm, I just read, I just watched an interview with him this morning with Conor McGregor.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, he interviewed him. And, cause Connor got in a fight with Machine Gun Kelly.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's just so funny. Like what? He tried to punch him?


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[Assistant] I like it because it's like, no matter how rich they can get, you can't, can't take that out of them. You know? Like it's still like, I'll still fight everybody. And you're like, there you go, man. You're still who you are. That's what got me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure you're going to go like not scared. I mean, you gotta be, I mean, he's got to, he broke his leg two months ago.


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[Assistant] That's what he said, he's still not done with it, but it's part of me that thinks like, they make so much fun of the Jake Paul thing. And then like that's, he's kind of born.


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[Assistant] McGregor's like, you know, he's the champ champ. He's done all the kind of the stuff. I mean, I still want to fight. He's still very fun to watch fight. But it's like, go do something like that. Dude, that would be, I would lose my mind if those two guys, just them, the buildup to that fight.


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[Assistant] It would be so fun. Uh, but yeaah. Yeaah, machine gun killing.


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[Assistant] I mean, she shows it, you know, representing us. She's in the middle of a brawl, right? In the middle of two dudes fighting. I mean, you know, what else do you want?


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[Assistant] I just love, like, an older person's gotta be, you know, like, oh, you see the Conor McGregor machine gun Kelly fight? I mean, just to be like, like a mafia guy or something like that?


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[Assistant] Him and Romeo. He's with Romeo. There's one island they all go to. Elvis, Romeo, Tupac. And they live forever. That's the crazy part.


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[Assistant] Or what was that? Jay Schubert, we did that. Rocky Duncan, we did that. Uh, Kelly KJ Smith. I like the KJ. Uh, was that her middle name or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] KJ's awesome. Kevin Johnson. Maybe it's Kevin Johnson. Maybe Kelly Smith and Kevin Johnson have an account together.


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[Assistant] And she goes, do you mind if I leave a comment on the Nightline podcast? And he's like, you know, no, that's, I didn't even know who it was. What's your name again? Kelly Smith.


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[Assistant] I always thought I hated color. I couldn't have been more wrong. Yeah. We got a lot of that. Yeah. Cause he's fun. He's fun. You know?


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[Assistant] He's a good guy. Stacy Simmons, Jade, literally the armchair quarterback telling Aaron how to Google. What is that? It's a mean one, right?


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[Assistant] I was listening to Jay, the Jay Keller episode of my earbuds while standing at a urinal at work. Bonzo asked Jay how far he could throw a football and I couldn't control my laughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt so embarrassed that I quickly zip up and flee the restroom without washing my hands to avoid having to explain why I'm laughing while going to the bathroom.


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[Assistant] I, look, that's, that's how you handle it. We've all been there. We've all been there. You go in there and you're like, no one's in there, you're like, perfect. Right. And then if they're, sometimes if they're still at the funeral, I just go stand and cut the water on, just stand there and I cut it off. Maybe grab one paper towel, wipe off my dry hands and be like, alright man, I'll see you out there. Like, you know. They have hand sanitizer outside the bathroom too, I always use that.


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[Assistant] But I just hope they have hand sanitizer. Just, they should put hand sanitizer in there.


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[Assistant] So just, we don't, you know, just give me a hand sanitizer. I'm gonna get rid of most of the water out. We have no water upstairs.


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[Assistant] If they do that, just cut down on washing hands. Uh, no one ever brings that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, alright. In the shower. In the shower. Brush your teeth and sh- do- move more stuff to the shower.


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[Assistant] I would shave in the shower. I mean, I don't shave, but like, uh, yeaah, I always shaved in the shower. It was awesome. I never brushed my teeth in there, but I wish I would.


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[Assistant] I know, I just don't, I forget about it, but I wish I could.


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[Assistant] You go do it. The hardest part is when you go to bed at night, or you're about to go out, you gotta stay in the shower with your hat on.


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[Assistant] And people are like, has it started raining out tonight? You're like, nah, I'll brush my teeth for a little bit.


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[Assistant] Claire B. Wilson. Our daughter was born Friday, September 3rd and her name is Indiana. We're calling her Indy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We thought it was good timing that the newest episode was Indiana. She's officially the youngest Nate Land podcast listener. Welcome to the world Indiana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sean Herring, in response to Nate's question about what to do with her, with deer roadkill, I was a police officer for a small town where there was a prankster going out and leaving get well soon balloons next to roadkill. Turned out to be another officer. That's very funny.


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[Assistant] I mean, even Pete is like, that's too much, man. And you're like, well, what a, that's a sense of humor right there.


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[Assistant] To clearing your to-do list, a little help from DoorDash. You can get dinner, household essentials and everything on your grocery list delivered. We use DoorDash here on the podcast, uh, almost every week for lunch. It's, DoorDash is awesome. I used to not like it. And then you, then you're like, oh, this is the greatest thing ever.


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[Assistant] And you gotta get used to it. There's a lot of people I guarantee that are like me and like you're just when it happens, you're like, I don't know, man. I don't know if I can do this. And then you're, you do it and you're like, well, that was pretty awesome. It'll change his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they leave it at the steps sometimes, which is great. Uh, you want late night ice cream? I've done, I've done a few Sonic runs in DoorDash. They bring it. And ice cream's actually, it kind of melts enough to be where you're like perfect. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Along with restaurants you love, you can now get groceries and other essential items delivered with DoorDash, get drinks, snacks, and other household items in under an hour. With over 300,000 partners, you can support your neighborhood, go to, or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Sonic, Chipotle, and Cheesecake Factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ordering is easy. They even leave your orders outside your door. Like I said, choose contact delivery for a limited time. Our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you download the door dash app and enter code Nate, that is 25% off up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order. When you download the down, uh, the door dash app in the app store, enter code Nate. Don't forget that's code Nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't look, uh, if you don't look at your credit card statements, you're not alone. I don't look at mine, but my wife looks at them and is furious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Debt can feel overwhelming, but Upstart can help you get on the path to financial freedom. Upstart is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online, especially if you have a high interest credit card. Upstart knows you are more than just your credit score and is expanding access to affordable credit with a 5 minute online rate check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see your rate upfront for loans between $1,000 to $50,000. If you want to pay your loan off early, there are no prepayment penalties. You can receive funds as fast as one business day after accepting your loan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash nate. That is upstart.com slash nate. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit, income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. Go to upstart.com slash nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And finally, to our friends, Viori. Viori's great. I love Viori. Viori's a new outlook on performance apparel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect if you're sick and tired of traditional old workout gear. Like I always say, I have the Sunday performance joggers and the core shorts. Both are extremely comfortable. The core shorts are also, I've worked out with them. I'm working out pretty in shape now, getting pretty huge and I wear them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have like the boxes in them, you know, which is always my favorite. That's the greatest thing ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've learned, I never knew, but I would love it if you can have your boxers just sewed into your, all your clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah. I mean, think about the time you're saving. Everything is designed to work out in, but does not, it doesn't look like it or feels like you work out. It is comfortable. You want to wear it all the time. You can wear it on planes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, people don't like, wear some kind of this kind of athletic clothing. You can get a collared shirt. Something like that. Wear some nice pants. Uh, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very comfortable clothing traveling and you look nice and that's what I was like. Ordering online is very easy. The website is not cluttered. Very easy to pick styles and color options and everything has a great fit to it. Do yourself a favor and get your own Viori. Viori is an investment in your happiness. For our listeners, they are offering 20% off your first purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get you some, some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at Viori.com slash Nate. That's V U O R I dot com slash Nate. Not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but enjoy free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, uh, we had, yeah, my voice could sound kind of crazy now. I don't know. I did eight shows this week and the shows were unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they were just so nice. It was so nice to be back out. The let's go folks. When they yelled that, uh, it was a lot of shows, four nights, eight shows. Uh, I got back last night and, uh, it's, it's been fun. You know, it's been, it's just so nice to be back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a cool walk out. Yeah. And then I met Tyler Joseph, uh, the next night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, so this shirt, that's what, I was at Jason Day's, got a, uh, uh, for their foundation, Brighter Day Foundation, and so they do a golf tournament, and then we all hang out at Jason's house, and this shirt is LPGA, it's Michelle Wee West, it's a thing that she wears, very comfortable shirt, I'm trying to get my daughter to get into golf, so I'm just trying to look the part, though hints her way.


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[Assistant] She did. I told her I would show everybody this. She got the game ball on her softball game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Second to second base got to grow out and that's.


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[Assistant] I mean, they, they've just learned how to play like three weeks ago. They don't know anything about softball. And we've played some teams where you're like, well, they've been playing together for a long time. And then, so she knew to, she scooped it up, the girl ran over, she threw it to the girl, got the out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Pretty excited about this right here. Uh, so very, very fun for that. Their, their name is the Nightmares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, yeaah, they voted, it's very funny. Kids are just the greatest thing on earth. And, uh, they all wanted to name, she wanted to name hers Flame, which is her favorite horse. She goes, this little horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and she has a full-time job there, uh, at nine, but the horse there is named Flame, so she wanted to be called the Flames, which I thought was a great name for baseball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then every other girl had like a fun name and then they let them vote and, uh, three of the girls all voted for nightmares. So they're like, we're the nightmares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sound like, I mean, you sound like the uncle that talks to the niece. You're like, ah, it's still something. And they're like, and the parents at home going, look, I get this fix. And you're like, ah, it's still like nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, you're going to, I was like, you have, you have nightmares or team. I was like telling her, I was like, you go tell them, you're going to have nightmares about us every week. We lose, uh, I think first week we lost 15 to four.


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[Assistant] So someone's leaving home with a nightmare. Them. Us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a nightmare. They're very, I love watching them. It's so fun. And they're, she, uh, she did catching in practice Sunday and I was, I was a catcher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I gotta tell her some stuff to go do. I gotta go buy out, like, I'm gonna go buy her the glove and everything.


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[Assistant] Uh, and she likes it. She likes it a lot. So, uh, I was very pumped that she got that. Uh, and then, uh, yeaah, so I did the show. Like I said, J.Color came to the show and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then they got a little, the gossip part of it. I mean, I don't know why, dude. I just kept going. I couldn't not say us weekly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had Joe Zimmerman and Mike Vecchione with me this weekend, if anybody was at those shows. Uh, they're both two amazing comedians. And uh, I was telling Joe and Mike all weekend, cause they mentioned this all of it. And they were, uh, they said, I was like, US Weekly mentioned this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't even realizing what I was saying and Joe was like, are you saying US? He goes, do you mean US Weekly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope not. I mean, I've actually met her too. Uh, so I'd be friends with everybody. I don't, you know, I don't know what, I don't know what all is going on, man.


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[Assistant] I'm just, you know, I don't want to lose Jay. That's all I don't, you know? So I want to tell him, yo, I'm not the source. I just tell him, look, I wasn't a source, but this is one of the bigger things that ever happened to me in my career, Jay, and I need you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You brought me to this? It was great because they kept, they say a lot, the show was super great and all that stuff, which was nice. It would be funny. Was the show good? They're like, it was not. So we were able to focus our attention pretty hard on Jay and Jenny. And, uh, that was nice. Yeah. So it was nice that they, uh, did that. Uh, uh, Aaron also, he had a big week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, but you can talk about Tulsa, I'm just kidding. Tulsa funny bone.


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[Assistant] So you just found out you have gout. What now? He goes, well, you're already probably sitting down.


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[Assistant] First pitch I threw out. Oh my god. What? You just kind of trailed off after, I thought you would just roll into the first pitch.


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[Assistant] That's why minor league baseball is awesome. It's how sports should be. Like that's so funny. The names are funny. It's just great.


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[Assistant] Oh no. If Larry Bird was drunk, you'd be like, he would have called it a strike. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to go, I need to go to Soundscape. I haven't been to their new stadium. I need a Sounds hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Bates, you had your Grand Ole Opry debut. I did.


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[Assistant] Is it all singers? And then you? Yep. How many times do you do it?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that's so great. It's told ours a lot, you know? She's like, boof.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, it's a, yeah, it's probably one of the biggest radio shows, you know, longest running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like you just think about the Saturdays, but 95 years sounds crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay. Five thousand Saturday nights only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's 95 years. So you're trying to guess the thing that we should just be saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should just say 95. That's, that's what 5,000 nights is. 5,000 nights sounds like someone's Saturdays. Sounds like someone's just going like, oh, there's, we've been doing this for 5,000 Saturdays. God, that's crazy. How long has that been? 95 years ago? Yeah, that's what I was looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would have been probably, if I didn't have to search through this to find that answer.


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[Assistant] It never stops at 5000 Saturdays and they walk away and they're like, can you believe that? It's 5000 Saturdays.


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[Assistant] I've been alive for 2, 2,500 Saturdays. No one celebrate that on their birthday. Guys, welcome. This is my 1000th Saturday and I couldn't be here without any of you.


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[Assistant] You know, it's like, that's what, uh, yeaah. You know, I always think that cause I was, it is like, sometimes you, but it's like, that's just us being comics, like, you know, like that's what you do. Like it was, like this weekend we had, like, you know, so we had, uh, Shay was playing in, uh, Greenville. We both started in Greenville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then so we had, uh, John Augustine came, Doug Brown, the guy did the music at the beginning of this and he's done a bunch of other things that are way better than that. I think that's his only credit. Uh, you know, he got lucky enough to land the opening song of this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and so we all went, we went golfing and stuff like that. And it's, but it's, yeah, you get, you start getting your background comics and it's just trashing each other. And it's like, that's just, you know, it is what it is, but we are nice about it afterwards. You know, that's the fun part, but it was a very, very nice article. Tim.


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[Assistant] Uh, Alberta, he was with us that whole weekend with all my buddies and my family and, uh, it was very, very cool. Very big deal. I mean.


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[Assistant] The greatest headline I could ever ask for. It's very nice. That's what I, I do want that.


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[Assistant] As much as I sound like I, uh, my humor is slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, he, it was, no, it was great. He was super nice. And that's what I do want. I want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would rather be no, like, I like that. Like you want to be the funniest stand up you could ever be. But I want to be nice to everybody and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I give a hard time to us, to our friends, to the other comics, but I don't do that. You know, it's not like I'm just a nightmare. Try to meet everybody. Take pictures, have fun. Everybody's very, very nice. And so yea, that's it. Very nice article.


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[Assistant] Uh, so, alright, well, we're gonna get started. We're gonna do, just now get started.


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[Assistant] No, Oz. I might have said Oz, but I meant Oz.


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[Assistant] Like the O's? Okay. O and then S. I just don't know where the T came from. Did you say Otz?


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[Assistant] I know someone said if you, to be 21 now, all they look at is if there's a 19, they don't look past that.


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[Assistant] The 2020s. Yea, the 2020s. You know, the roaring 20s.


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[Assistant] When like, I feel like 1920s, like we call it the 20s, we're still referring to 19, when we say 20s. You gotta get us out, you know, we need to all be, you know, once we're all dead. And then in the 70s, they will be like,


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[Assistant] You know, my grandfather was born in the 20s and they will know it means 2020s. We're too close to it. We're in the thick of it right now.


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[Assistant] So I don't think we can call it the twenties. Cause we still all think old twenties. Right.


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[Assistant] Like I was born in 1979. That sounds insane.


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[Assistant] You know, like it, I mean, it sounds insane to me. You're just so, you're like, golly man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a whole, just another world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds so old, 79, born in the 70s. It's crazy, is you were too?


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[Assistant] Yeah. When you did Grand Opry, like 800 Saturdays have only been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they go, this is the 800th Saturday. God, I never thought they'd make it this long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Chicago, Illinois. I'm guessing it was still a men's sport. I feel like you would be a guy that would invent softball. Like you would be playing baseball and you're like, what if we just throw it underhanded and make the ball bigger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the whole bat's a sweet spot. And they go, I guess so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, maybe get some girls out here and it's just you playing with the girl. Let's get it out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one guy, there's four guys and two, four, six, seven eyes.


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[Assistant] If you're listening at home and you can't listen, four guys and only seven eyes and they beat everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's got an iPad on. With just four dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's where the, he goes, you know what, next best thing, bring my buddy Jack, he's got one eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's unbelievable dude, I've never heard of that. How long do they do that for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four guys, I mean, that's, they should, some, that could, that could happen again and everybody would watch it. Four guys beating a entire team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so I've seen, so when you play like church ball, there's men's softball in church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, you're only allowed to hit, some of them your home run wasn't out, and some of them- Wait, why? Cause these guys can hit home runs every time. This was slow pitch, and they would be, you'd always be playing with a guy that's like, that guy had a cup of coffee with the Cubs, and then he's out there just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean it was, I played, I played in Chicago when I was in Chicago. I played softball for maybe our restaurant I worked at or something. Uh, but you'd always play some teams that were just, you're like these dudes, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't make it to the pros. Maybe they played in college and then they just come dominate. So they had a catcher, pitcher, and then two guys in the infield.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Maybe the guy with the one eye was the catcher. I'd probably be better to put him there.


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[Assistant] He just sitting there behind the plate, he's coming home. He goes, and he just has to, you know, he doesn't even know.


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[Assistant] That's their only, their only weakness was all the times someone stole third.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think a little bit. I mean, like it was just like, you didn't know if something was going to happen. You didn't, I mean, there was all this stuff, like everything's going to go down. I don't know. It just, yeah. It was like so futuristic. It felt like, like you're coming out of the 1900s. Not that we didn't have some, but you don't have computers. We didn't have all this stuff. So then right when you get 2000, everybody's going to get computers. The internet's kind of going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel like everybody was, you know, like just talking.


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[Assistant] Like it could be crazy. I'm trying to think where I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I was, I think I was doing that. Yeah, I think I was doing that. Which actually just reached, those people reached out to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they're listening to the podcast, but they might come to the show, which I'd love to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every night they're first. I got a buddy there, I call him every day, I go, how's it looking today? He goes, stay in bed. Thanks for the heads up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is New Zealand farther, so it's like New Zealand and Australia? They're very close, but. Yea, New Zealand gets it first. Yea. So there had to be one guy. I wonder if there was a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Standing on the ocean to go like, you know, as the time zone passes him. And he goes, I was the first to see the year 2000. But then I liked to picture there was another guy in the ocean and they both had to keep just backing up to be the first. And they finally agreed, let's both be the first. And then right when it came, one guy dropped back and he goes, you, are you kidding me, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when they don't realize too, then they kind of go up and then the guy just pokes his head up out of the water. He's been behind them the whole time in the scuba gear. So they're actually the second and third guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the time zone just comes out of nowhere and then it hits that little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the... Crooked line, the dotted line, and then it's like, so Southern Ocean, I mean they gotta be like, well we saw it, like I guess that's where it ends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably right in front of New Zealand then. Yeah, so go up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You just did the opposite. Alright. Yeah, go down, scroll down. Let me find it right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, did you go to it when, or you were at Channel 5? I was at the station, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Al Gore was on the plane behind me once. He's a big guy. Yeah. Is he big? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Butler or something. I mean, the guy, I know, but he's like, I'm at home. I answered my own phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was, I stayed home that day. I was, I was recycling tires and, uh, I had to get up at like six every morning to do or something. And I called in sick that day. I don't know. You felt something. You were a suspect for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, no, I felt, I just was like tired. I felt, I caught in sick. And then Laura was getting up to go to work, uh, or something like that. No, no. So maybe Laura wasn't there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I said Laura was going to work. She called me until we get up and look at the news. And then, uh, we watched it and yeah, it was crazy. Craziest thing ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so when we're playing they thought it was going cap or what? I mean, probably where the White House would have been. Probably where? Yeah. But he would have never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think, can you imagine, oh man, those people in Fight 93 is awesome.


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[Assistant] The fact that they were able to even realize that, like, you know, they knew the other stuff and, uh, I mean, obviously everybody on the planet, it's just brutal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if they would, I wonder if they would have even made it there. Like, cause they, those fighter jets go up and... They would have been shot down anyway, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you even know to stop something that insane?


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[Assistant] Yeah, to be there. I mean, that's the one, yeah, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. That's when they have to redo it though. They have to reelect it. They do the smoke. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like kind of like, it's a sad thing that the Pope dies, but it's pretty fun to watch that you're, you know, that's how they let everybody know that the city now, they put that smoke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like me watching Jake Cutler play college and then he's here.


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[Assistant] I mean, golly, was John Paul the second, was he the bemost?


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[Assistant] I mean, everybody wants to see like such a crazy. It is. I mean, the Pope's gotta be wild, man. I mean, you just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause so, can I, if I just went and got baptized Catholic, I could be Pope? You'd be eligible. On paper, you're eligible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. Good luck, Gaffigan. Maybe he runs for it. Can you run for it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Do you think the Pope ever carries, does he grab a wallet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, does he have to grab a license? Does he ever walk out with just a ball cap on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he just wears a hat? Like who did we say? Oh, Queen Elizabeth? Yeah. Like what if he, what if him and Queen Elizabeth want to go get some coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone cuts him in line, I forgives you. I forgive you. Oh, thanks. I didn't see you there.


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[Assistant] Mariah Carey, boys, or Beyonce. Uh, Beyonce was fifth. Oh god, I'm going backwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that makes sense. Lincoln Park's awesome, man. I, I, I like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listen to them a lot now. Like I'm just kind of fascinated with that. I mean, the guy that, uh, the main singer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, who sadly, uh, died, but it was like, I just, his voice and stuff was like crazy. He was just like a very interesting guy. You know. Yeah, their music was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's maybe the only thing we've talked about since 2000 is the fact that he's still playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a podcast and should be, and it's a comedy. A lot of, you know, cause it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tiger Woods won on a Sunday at Will Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, back to you. Let's do the weather. Okay. 72 degrees today. Fun. It says fun on there. 72 degrees, fun. Fun day. Expecting Hurricane Katrina in five days. Yep. Right after 9-11. Anyway, back to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you should, you know how, uh, uh, John Krasinski did the good news thing, which is the greatest thing ever. You should do a bad news. Bad news baits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but you could actually, this is pretty good of a thing. If you were bad news baits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but now we have a name for it. Bad News Bates is a great name. Uh, someone might have did, someone's probably called you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Bad News Bears, Bad News Bates, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I have, uh, my, uh, uh, brother-in-law, Joey Robbins was, uh, he left. I love, always love hearing his story. He was walking on the bridge, like heading back and just hears just the biggest roar ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they like, you're like, what ha- you know, it's so, that's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His seats are, your seats are better now though. They're better now. How many of your old two, when I was, when we went, was that your old seats? They're still good seats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't mind them. You're up there high, but yeah, you got a good view. Are you in the aisle or almost? On the aisle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I took you, we said in, uh, did not take you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody just try to just stand up and let them go by and then just let the ball hit. Let's not have any problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Uh, yeah, I mean, I was hanging out, but the rubber band thing was a trend. I think I'm just late to them and then it looks like I'm doing them alone because everybody's kind of moved on. But I think I wore the yellow


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yellow kind of thing. Now I'm just more, I notice the trends more.


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[Assistant] And I don't, yeaah, I don't know if I, I just don't want to do it because everybody's doing it. And so it just doesn't seem as fun to me. But, you know, everybody's yelling let's go folks. So I'm fine with that. That's a trend. It's a small trend that 80 of us are doing. But that's the kind of trends I like.


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[Assistant] The ones that start just tiny and they're just special.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? Well, I mean everybody else's wheelchairs are wet because they can shower in a wheelchair. You guys are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could qualify for this team. Dude, I could dominate. Like all you have to have is less than a 75 IQ and you can play in the... You don't have an IQ lower than 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How low is 75? What's the average IQ? 100, I think. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just think disabilities should, like, to wheelchair kind of thing like that, like.


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[Assistant] Isn't it crazy, it's the highest, I just, someone sent me, they read it, I don't know, the highest grossing film of all time. Nobody can really tell you anything about it. Had no impact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On anything. No cultural impact. No cultural impact. Star Wars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this other stuff, all these big movies had every Titanic. Titanic's huge.


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[Assistant] All this stuff, Avatar, the most watched, and, I mean, y'all saw it? Yea. Do you remember it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the one that had to keep airline podcasts going. So I've now, I've now filterated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they'd be like, I think if I played in that team, they'd be like, he has an IQ of 77.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, I would just be just, just, I mean, where they're going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Snuggies not, uh, we talked about that. What's the other one? I can't remember the name. Uh, what are the two? It's Snuggie and, uh. The two what? Slank it. The Slank it? Look up Slank it. I've never heard of that. Slank it is the original, is the original one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's the original snuggle. I did, me and Yannis Papas did a commercial for Slink It. Really? Yannis knew the guy that invented Slink It. And then what happened was they, it became so, it was doing good and then a big company comes in and they just, and you can't like, I believe,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, you know, like trademark it cause it's like a couch. It's like a blanket. Like, you know what I mean? Like it's, it's not something you can really do. So then what happens is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These big companies, Snuggie, comes in and they go, well we're doing it and we got more money behind it. And then Snuggie becomes the most famous thing ever. And Slanket does not. And they do not. So there's people in this company which is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a commercial on, uh, YouTube. And, uh, I'm watching the Vandy Kentucky game. And we just went to Yannis' house. So the commercial we did was like, he filmed, he just filmed us the official Slank It commercial. And this is the marketing he had to, that all he had to do, uh, was pay us. And we're watching, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ditch Films was Yannis' and Jesse Scatturo, they had their...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, they did, so we, we just did this. We filmed it all day at Yana's house. We just went to his house and filmed, uh, uh, all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was me waking up at Yannis' and Yannis saying that. I mean, we just went over there all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I'm watching the, uh, Vandy game. Vandy Kentucky game. It was on CBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright. That's good. Uh, look at the year. I'm guessing 2006, 2009. Yeah. 28,000 views. The downfall of the slink, it was this video. Uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was, yeaah, I remember I watched Vainy. Remember, it was like 2009, Vainy in Kentucky was on CBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was crazy because I'm in New York and I'm like, I got, they're going to play the main game on CBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to say we lost, but it was like barely. Our basketball team was pretty good then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like very close. We might have even won this. Oh, this is basketball. Yeah, basketball. I was about to say football. Sorry. No, basketball. Yeah. And I almost, was that the year we went to the SEC Championship or? That's about right. Yeah, yeah. And then so, uh, yeah. And I remember, man, it was such a great game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but we did it, so go buy a slinket instead of snuggie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wikipedia. Is that what your gas sounds like? Is that a gas? Is it? I thought it was more breathy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there you go. That's more of a gasp. It's tough to fake a gasp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is gout just your feet? No, no, no, it spreads. It spreads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank goodness I was there. We're asking you to donate. I noticed on your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody had one. There was a keyboard on it. People had money, the only ones that could afford it. Or like a real job, had a cricket phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Cricket came out? Yea. Yea. You had Cricket too? Mhm. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've seen it. Charlie bit my finger. No, it's the elephant or something. Zoo. Me at the zoo. Me at the zoo. It's called me at the zoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's born in the seventies. Yeah. We don't get it. I just updated my iCloud storage to two terabytes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it said, you're almost out of space. And so I went to terabytes, which I don't, is that forever? Is that a lot? It's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then so they're like, you're cool now, but I don't even, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just delete your phones or you just have them on your phone? Oh, so they're backing up to iCloud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I could delete all the phones off, all the videos off my phone. You could. And then I just go like that. I would make sure they're on there first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could delete them, I don't think I care. I'm not a super, super sentimental, is that sentimental? Oh, cinnamon guy? Uh, I'm not a big sentimental guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't, I'm trying to even get better, I try to do it like I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you take a picture, like I like taking a, you know, I like posting a picture and stuff like that. But then you kind of just like move on, like I'm never gonna look through these. I mean, my daughter is the only, the only ones, like my family, my daughter is the only ones that I really want to, you know, I have a voicemail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my phone, that's my daughter singing a song to me when she was like 5. So I like, I keep that, I don't want that to go away. I don't want like the videos of her going away. But as far as the other stuff, I mean, I don't, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean half the videos on my phone, like I've said in my act, is just, cause my daughter's on my Apple ID, so I mean every time I look at my phone I just have 70 videos of her like, hello guys, let's go. And what do they say, uh, what do they say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in turn, my niece Maya, nephews Zach, they made a bunch of videos when they spent the night. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I had a little more to it than just going, you know, Blue Man Group sold 1200 tickets year 2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we know it. It's not too, I was, we were there. No one listened to this was born in 2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to go see a history book now. I'm not the one getting the weeds with it, but I'd love to like just get a breeze through. Like what are y'all talking about? Like how far back, you know, are they, do they say anything that you're like, I guess they do 9-11. And so you're, you know, it'd be kind of crazy to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be kind of crazy to get a history lesson from your teacher that was like, I remember this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's, uh, you graduate. Thank you very much. The civil war ended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't think it's that, that's much different than saying 1900s. You're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody loves Raymond. Now American Friends Home Videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. I believe this is true. Could be wrong. I thought I've told it. Uh, I believe it was CSI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a big reason like, someone would tell me like when we were selling, when we pitched these TV shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always think, well, if this, the network that you're pitching to, you're like, when they say no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can go anywhere and we're just pitching to the other networks. Which they always say that it's not that exactly true. It happens, but it's not as true as it once was. And a big reason for that was CSI. So, uh, and I believe it's CSI. I could be wrong on all of this, but I think it's, it was, I was told that the show was CSI. And, uh, where's CSI at now? CBS?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so like say, I forget, maybe it was ABC, whatever. They had CSI. They shot it, and they didn't like it. And then they, CBS goes, hey, we're, we're take it, we're buy it. And they go, not only can you buy it, but ABC was the production company?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That made CSI, they go, your production company can take it over. We don't believe in that show. And then that show became the biggest show ever. And it's a billion dollar mistake. A multi-billion dollar mistake. And so, since then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of stuff like that because your production companies end up being like Universal, which is NBC or CBS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're kind of with the Disney, ABC, like you, you end up kind of being, that's the studio and then that's the network. And so it's all kind of in house. Production companies can kind of go everywhere. And the other ones can't. I mean, uh, uh, modern family was ABC and then I think it was 20th century Fox that shot it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, but they like to try to keep them together. Like so 20th Century Fox likes to be at Fox or you know, whatever. They can kind of go, but it kind of stopped for a while because they made that mistake of just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going like, now you, and I mean, if they would have kept the production of it, it would have been a big success. And they go, we don't believe in it at all, you can have everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually called the 2000, no one says aughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, no one says aughts. You hear aughts? Like out in the wild, you hear aughts. I think a lot of people would know what you meant when you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying that they might not know that. I don't know what it means, but I'm saying you hear it. I don't think you hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The digit zero, the decades from 2000 to 2009 is the aught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's words to catch people that are dumb. Like me, that's how they get us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Aaron read that just so of everybody listening. I don't think you knew it. You read it as if.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kidding. Tell the story. Like people just want to hear, no, just let them keep going. All right. Well, the aughts were, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last time I was standing, I auditioned for it when the first time I auditioned for it was in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at Chicago Zanies, we stood out in the, it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, maybe 20 degrees and we had to get out there in the middle of the night. And then we, and I remember the worst part was across the street, there was a bank that showed the time and the weather and it was like the worst thing ever because you just couldn't not see it. And so you're just seeing it just be like, uh, it's, it was so cold. And then the other one, we go to New York, we do it, we set out front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sven, Sven Wexler, a guy that I moved Chicago to Nashville, or to New York with, he had a van. And so we would sit out front as like Hannibal was there with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Hannibal Buress and uh, Rich Ronovich, I mean Dustin Shave, I forget who was all there. And then we would sit out there and then like, we would like be like, all right, you can go sit in the van. One of us, cause it was cold there. You go sit in the van and we're stand out. And then we would just switch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, which is very fun. It was very, very, I mean, it's not ideal when you say it, but like in the, looking back, you're like, this is what, this is why you're starting, man. Like this is, you're staying outside, you spend the night outside, you don't go to any sleep, then you go do a important audition. Maybe you're going to get through it. I never got through it. Uh, and then I remember I did, finally you're able to get it. Cause a lot of people don't know, I remember they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After a while, when you get kind of higher up, you don't have to go do that. You don't have to go stand in line. There's spots that they, like American Idol has that, where the, kind of the bigger singers, they still audition, but you're not, but they don't gotta go wait in line with everybody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Almost like that, yeaah. They might even show them at the beginning auditions too, but they're just not going to make them...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the, you know, a lot of times, you know, so the longer you're into something, because you would be like, well, I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to go stay in line anymore. So they got to be like, well, we're letting you just have a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you come and it's always like brutal because you walk by all the comics waiting in line. But I don't, you know, you're like, I was out there waiting in line. You're like, yeah, this is the point. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm gonna go do it. Greg Giroldo was hosting. One of the funniest things I ever heard he said, uh, when Craig Robinson was, uh, hosting the last comic standing and he was in the movie Hot Tub Time Machine, he said he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Craig was, I forget, Craig was like, said something, was like, alright, I would like to pro, promote, uh, my new movie, Hot Tub Time Machine, and Greg Giraldo goes, oh, what's it about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all he says. It's very funny. He's hopped up time machines to name. Oh, tell me more about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remember I did that show and, uh, it's, it's one of the only regrets I have, two regrets in comedy. One, the daily show audition and that audition. It hurt me. It was the first one that really, really hurt me. Cause you wanted it. I just, you know, I was clean. I was like, I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing to get this thing. And I did it and they said no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, you know, I tried a bunch and I never got it. And that was, that one hurt the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the jokes I chose were just like, didn't make sense. Uh, I think I had the evolution joke, uh, about like, you know, whatever, 98% monkey DNA. I did that. And then I did a joke about homeless people or something. And it was like, they were like, they don't go together, which makes total sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, one of them's being like, you know, this one thing where you're basically saying you're a Christian and the other one is you're making fun of homeless people. And I just looked at like, well those are my two jokes that work the best. And so I'm just doing the jokes. I'm not thinking of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not thinking of like the idea that your jokes should kind of really go together. Like instead of just going, here's my five slammer jokes, it'd be better if someone, I believe, if there's comics listening to this, you have to do an audition, I think it'd be better to have your five minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go with each other. Like let them flow into each other. That's a better thing. Instead of going like, well here's my five best jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure they, even if one joke's maybe not the best, make sure it's good, but have it, you know, open and close and it makes sense. Cohesive, yeaah. Yeaah. And then, I mean, I left, I remember calling Laura, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, man, that was, that was, that was the most down I've ever felt about my, in the run of my comedy was, was that. I remember, I remember walking down from Gotham. I walked alone. I was like my stomach hurt. I just was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, Greg, Greg would have loved that joke. Uh, I opened for Greg once, and I'll never forget that. One of the nicest moments I've had with Greg Giroldo, uh, I, it was, uh, it was me, I think Pat Dixon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was MC and Pat Dixon knew Greg and I didn't really know Greg well and he was like, I had a car and so we're going to do a college and uh, Greg was like, you can MC and uh, I'll, you know, and I can drive them down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go pick up Pat, we go to Greg, I'm driving. It's very cool. Greg just tell us all these stories. And, uh, I remember I got out of the car, this white Honda cord that we had that my brother just had. I think they had a way to get rid of it finally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Honda Accord. It was Lars Kahr. It's been everywhere. My whole career was through that Honda Accord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Greg, I remember, I'll never forget, we got out of a, like a truck stop or something to just go to the bathroom, stretch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember he's over, he opens the door, he's standing on the other side of the car and I'm on this side and he, I knew he was married and he had kids. And I asked him, I go, you know, cause we were at that point probably thinking about having kids and I was like, what do you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think about having kids? Like does it really hurt like your common career or something like that? And he just looked at me and he goes, it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me in my life. It's having these kids. And I think about that all the time. And it's, uh, you know, he loved and loved, loved his kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, so I, I always think about that. That was a huge part just to see that, you know, and then I watched him that night and you're just like, this dude was just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unreal, unbelievable comedian, uh, you know, so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, well, it's like, like, like what I just did. That's what I think, the nice thing is saying, like, or the idea that is like, we're always usually very, I mean, I'm sure there was a joke followed right after that, but it's like, there's a curtain that we go like, we still, I love everybody. And it's like, yeah, dude, I love my kids. It's the greatest, but you're not going to go with comics. You can like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you don't want to let too many people, cause then everybody's like, cause we're just, like we've talked about that, Bert, like you're just uncomfortable with like, even with us together just being this kind of sweet kind of thing. Like we can tell, you know, me and Soder can hug and be like, I'm like, I love you buddy. He's like, I love you. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we would just trash each other for the rest of the time. But there's the moments, that's just kind of I think the comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aspect, which I think is great. I think it helps, that's what, you know, helps you be a comedian. You're always kind of just trying to be fun, funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember watching that and I remember just being like, you know, cause all like kind of like, is that what I know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're like, that's where you time it out. So during the regular season, you're like, I'd make it back mid third quarter at super bowl. I don't ever miss a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's uh, I mean that's all part of it. I watch, you want to watch commercials, you want to watch the halftime show. Like, I mean, I'm not, if it's, if I don't completely care about it, then I'll, I'll look at it, then maybe I, then maybe I do talk, but yeah, I watch, I mean back then, I was definitely watching the halftime show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most unusual endings in chefs. Oh, because it ended that way? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was. That's what they say on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that. Uh, yeah, that was crazy. Did you know her then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was just like, it was like her stardom was like, it's not like she didn't deserve something, like she's the biggest ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like Beyonce didn't deserve something. It's like, you know, like, you know, it kind of is the beginning of showing how Kanye's kind of out there a little, his own thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Beyonce and David Swift, I mean, they're probably the same kind of, you know, they're both just mega, mega, mega stars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they hashed it out and then anybody got weird again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that one. I don't think it was and I don't think anything was as cynical back then. I think that was the start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That almost, you could, I wonder if you could look at that and go that, because that's the start of reality TV. It's the start of all this, you know, when you start figuring out reality TV is like written and you're like, oh, this, you watch Kardashians, like all made, it's all kind of like directed in a certain way. It's all kind of people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wonder if that, like people saw the response to that. And so now it's like, well let's try to recreate those kind of moments. And so maybe it is, and I feel like that was a real moment. And so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never did, I did Conan before, I did Conan after. And I never did that. That all Tonight Show stuff, I don't know. I don't wanna, you know, Conan was very, very good to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a weird kind of thing, man. I mean, Jay, people would always, Jay Leno is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the nicest guy ever. Like, and he called me after my special. Like, I'm not trying to just say that, but he's, he's that kind of guy. He's a real, he's just a comic and he's a comic that calls you and just goes, man, that was great. We loved it. You know, it's like just a real comedian that wants to just be a comic and hang out. And he was number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get why they wanted Conan to move up. I totally get it. Conan though, is doing what Conan should be doing now. Conan is crushing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conan's unbelievable. Like the stuff that he does, he's so funny. And like him going to these other countries, like that's, Conan is just the greatest at that kind of stuff. It's actually like, kind of like, you're like, yeah, dude, this is it. This is your future of like, you're going to be just better and better than you probably ever was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was great. Conan was the only one I watched, uh, but I always thought that when they kind of, you know, I always felt bad for Leno. Leno got a lot of like, I think Leno is a good guy that's a blue collar dude that was like, you know, I'm just trying to, I feel like he looks at himself like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he works for this company. I show up every day, I do what they want me to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Attitudes and the, you know, kind of, of everything. And it's like, he's like, I just do what I'm supposed to do. He was number one. And then they go, we're going to do Conan. And he's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I think Conan, they did Conan, I don't know how good it was doing. And then they go, we'll go bring Leno back. And Leno's like, okay, I'll do whatever you guys want me to. I get like, he's a, you know, a company man kind of person, which is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're admirable, you know, like you can't be mad at a guy like for that, like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I've always thought with that. I've always thought with the letterman stuff. I don't think, I don't think he's backstabbing. I mean, he was the best comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming up, everybody watched him. I don't think Leno was ever a backstabber and did stuff. I know people like Letterman. I get it. Letterman went and did crazy things and, but Leno did great, man. Leno's a, he's a great, great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, Letterman was great too, but I mean, Letterman, I don't think, like, Leno would be, if you go, I never did a show, but I would hear, you go do his show, he's back there talking to you. He goes and meets everybody. He does all this kind of stuff. Letterman, you don't see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He walks over to you at the end and y'all wave and then that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's not as personable, like, you know, uh, you almost probably feel like he doesn't want you on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Leno was not, was not that type of guy. And uh, so I'm not, I did not do either one of the shows. Uh, Letterman's obviously is unbelievable. I'm not trying to say one's better than the other one, but I was just saying Leno gets a little too harsh of a. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't ever forget that. Uh, all right. That's it, right? Yep. We're done. We did it. You think we'll do the 2010s? Uh, the 2010s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I guess so, cause it's 2021. So maybe we'll do the 2010s, I don't know. What are they called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, so maybe we do them, I don't know. You know, I gotta see, uh, you know, I might even do this podcast anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who. So, uh, all right. Uh, I'm, uh, I'm out rain check tour. We're doing shows. They've been awesome. We've loved them. Check my website, natebergfc.com. Uh, all the dates are there. Uh, thank you for everybody coming out. You have, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks everybody for listening to the Nate Land Podcast. Be sure to subscribe to our show on iTunes, Spotify, you know, wherever you listen to your podcasts. And please remember to leave us a rating or a comment. Nate Land is produced by me, Nate Barghetti, and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nate Land Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. Does he play? I'm sure he does. I think they all do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause most of those kids, I was watching Notre Dame this weekend and I was like, those kids are like 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did used to, we, sometimes we'd be walking back to campus at like pretty late, like four or five in the morning and we'd walk past the ROTC kids running in the morning. Man, you just feel like a loser. They're like up, they're chanting, they're running, you know, could have saved the country. Just embarrassing myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we did do stuff like that. Looking back, I'm a little ashamed of it. Yeaah. We thought we were being funny back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. Uh, coach Doug, coach Bachler, the Toledo mud hens, big folk came to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got us a bunch of, got us a bunch of merch. Toledo mud hens. Toledo mud hens. That's a good name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you'd be surprised if you show up to your local open mic or your local scene. The age range is pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm friends with guys in their 50s and 60s and then kids in, you know, that are 18, 19, a little bit of everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't like you, did you? No, I apologize that I came across that way. That's, I mean, it, it's literally the stuff I'm most interested in in the world. So I'm sorry that didn't come across.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brian not being here really. Freed you up. Yeah, cleared things up in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here he is pitching blindfolded right here. Striking people out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inside's been beat up a little bit. Outside. You're about to be 30, right? Yea, I'm going to be 30 next month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just, my big, my big adult moment was I mowed my own lawn this weekend. I had this high school kid that would come by and mow it. And then I would just not even think about it. And he would just show up every week and then Venmo requests me and it was a great relationship. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few weeks go by, my lawn just looks awful. And I'm like, where you been? And he said, I retired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said retired? You said I retired. Yeah. Kids like 16. Yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. When you're a kid, you at least get like a thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You holding a rake? I would have loved a thumbs up in person versus an Instagram post. Did the kid said I retire? He said it was done, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a real retirement. He told everybody. Was he working as hard as this kid? That's the question. Cause this kid was really putting in some work. He had a few different houses on my street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to mow this guy's lawn. He lives about a mile away from me. I used to roll my, our lawn mower a mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To his house. And it'd take a few hours and it'd be 25 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'd roll that lawnmower to ride aid and I got a Diet Coke and a $20 iTunes gift card every time. I blew it all every time. I just never saved that money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could buy a couple out, a couple CDs with that, with 20 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Landscaping. I gotta go landscape real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in Louisville, played golf, made my first birdie. Oh, wow. Congrats. So good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part three, pitching wedge got a foot and a half from the hole. And that's the real pressure to make that putt. Cause everyone's like, Oh, this is easy. And then I, yeah. How long was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was playing with Henry Cho, who hit a 71. He was like, so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to see you two play, play with each other. He's very good. But he was super, I mean, we've talked about it. He's super patient with me and he was very helpful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel it for sure. For sure I feel it. You do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I have a waiter, even if they're not great, if they look like they're really, if they have a sense of urgency, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember my parish used to have a day. Yeah. Where everybody brings their pet in and what happens and they just give a blessing for all the pets. Oh, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the way my church did it, this wasn't like a normal church service that you can just bring your animals to. It was just a separate ceremony outdoors. Everybody bring your pet, they'll give a blessing and you take your dog back home and hopefully they live a little longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, animals don't have souls, you know. Okay, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Family dog, cat, snakes. We brought them all in, man. How many different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is a spider? What is that all about? Have you had a spider as a pet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it snowed, we occasionally would let the dog in. Just in one hallway. If my dad was furious about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't, I wasn't until, you know, Lucy has a cat. So I was just like, this is just part of the deal and I kind of like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just hangs out with me. It's just me and him a lot of times. It just hangs out. It's real fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's four, that's a 41 pound cat right there, just for some frame of reference. That's pretty large. It's, it's almost like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His stomach's so big, that he probably can't move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I say, how to, how to. There's no way. Why, first of all, Bailey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is that name? Is there a popular Bailey in the world?


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[Assistant] But I don't think it can hold a pencil to take a test. You know what I mean? I feel like that's gotta count against you a little bit. You'll probably lose some points when you can't hold a pencil.


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[Assistant] Just looked at how many grains of sand there are in the world. Seven quintillion.


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[Assistant] So that's what you want. That's almost the number that means nothing to me because it's so big. So that's how many pennies you'd want. I'll take those in petties. I was going to say Adams. How much money is it?


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[Assistant] Like squirrels, we're including squirrels in that probably. They see things in slow motion.


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[Assistant] I just like to think if I had slow motion, I could do a little more with it.


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[Assistant] And what a squirrel does is kind of run around and eat acorns. It's not very impressive.


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[Assistant] So let me get this straight. They get really high up. They fall asleep. They just start just a free fall. Yeah. And then they wake up before they hit the ground. I think so. Go back up and do it again. Just take a little nap.


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[Assistant] So they must have some kind of built in, they can tell the alpha. It's a lot of just nodding. It's that kick. Yeah.


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[Assistant] How often are koalas hanging out where people are murdered?


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[Assistant] I was going to say these animals, they make me, it's uncomfortable when animals have human hands. I don't like looking at that. It creeps me out a little bit. Raccoons, they have the human hands. They can just grab stuff. They can open sliding doors. They have hands too. And these koalas have them too. I'm not a fan.


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[Assistant] This just happened. I killed it on Google last week, by the way, dude. Yeah, that's what I heard. I stepped up.


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[Assistant] That's what a lot of people wanted. Was the turkey? No, it was the turkey. And I, you know, I would have probably been one of those guys. I'm a coward. You were, you were over the, over the eagle.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, the eagle doesn't impress me that much. It's powerful. A turkey's kinda majestic, you know? Mhm. And I, you know.


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[Assistant] It went from a car, a ship full of them to two million. They get after it.


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[Assistant] My mom fed it to the snake one day and then it got out and the dog ate the snake. What's your mom?


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[Assistant] I think she knew it was dying and she just didn't want to go to the pet store to get more mice for us. So she was like, let's just put this thing out of its misery. Like a garage show.


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[Assistant] I'll just throw that old hamster in. Tell Aaron the hamster died of natural causes. But then years later she was like...


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[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, I don't think we were thinking of that.


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[Assistant] Okay, so d- okay, he killed a seagull with a- and he wasn't trying to- I don't understand-


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[Assistant] Okay, so he's out in the outfield, he played outfield. Yep. And he's just throwing, like they're warming up.


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[Assistant] I find that hard to believe too, that he wouldn't, he's warming up between innings, he has the ball, he's like the innings about to start, he throws it to the dugout.


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[Assistant] Uh, you see that Catholic Yankees game recently that ran out there. It was like a 20 minute delay. It was pretty crazy.


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[Assistant] There's a different one at the Miami game where that cat was hanging off the second story.


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[Assistant] Kinda traumatizing to watch that thing trying to hold on for dear life, man.


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[Assistant] A little, you're like, this is jarring, dude. I mean, I'm not traumatized, but.


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[Assistant] A little bit, man. Thought about my own cat's mortality, too.


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[Assistant] Are you saying that thing, this life means more than me?


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[Assistant] I love that the safety health procedures, they just, he gets knocked out. They just put them in their friend's truck. There's, there's nothing else there. There's no ambulance.


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[Assistant] Uh, honestly, it's hard to just get, when I keep having different seats, it's like I never get settled in. It's like I'm just not back in the groove. It's tough.


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[Assistant] Post platform. What was the word post that threw us? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Something that podiatrists would have.


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[Assistant] And that kid's hilarious. Whoever did that is on point.


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[Assistant] Yeah. But why stop there if you enjoy it at the movie? Cause I like to have that moment as a special moment. Yeah. Oh, okay. I should do that. Like milk duds, I don't do milk. You're not eating milk duds in your car. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, that's fair. There's certain foods in my car.


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[Assistant] I remember my dad like told me like in the 50s or whatever like they would put like Ajax on their teeth to get them white. They would rub their teeth with the Ajax.


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[Assistant] Oh, it's Texas. Wichita Falls, Texas. Big Ajax. Teeth Whitening Program.


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[Assistant] I one time used the, you know, the white magic eraser, you know, it worked pretty good actually.


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[Assistant] Oh, he was, yeah, he was, he was great at it. There's also something great about just being in a parking lot. Cause as a kid in Texas, that's all we did was go to parking lot, Kroger parking lots, just hang out and like, I mean, we, we pulled the, we had a table.


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[Assistant] Well you were saying that about your first TV credit in New York. CMT.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, the Boston Comedy Club was like this magical place. Cause it's like, I was running the Village Lantern. They'd never done stand-up comedy there before. They just had one open mic. And then I was, I started like, we were doing seven shows a week.


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[Assistant] It was just a bar, they mostly had music upstairs and it was kind of, it was close to the Comedy Cellar. And a lot of the guys would do the Comedy Cellar and then we'd come there.


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[Assistant] Well, uh, Anderson Cooper bought it for his apartment.


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[Assistant] And that was, that was a big deal. Like when it was still a fire station, they were selling it off and he bought it and it was his apartment. I don't know if he still lives there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that's the thing about Boston. I mean, I saw Chevy Chase and Dave Chappelle on the same stage. Like there was all kinds of stuff, but if somebody like that was coming through, that's who the audience wanted to see. And I think that's what has to be done. You see somebody that's, you know, like a, that's on the rise or a star, you put them on stage immediately. You don't even think about it. They can bump the Barker kid, you know?


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[Assistant] Like dummy, you could have been at like an audience of 20 with Dave Chappelle working out 2 hours.


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[Assistant] So we were there with him and the night before he went to Africa. Like we were right there. We saw all of it happen and he could tell he was getting freaked out because I remember these two Irish guys like they had these soccer jerseys on and they just like


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[Assistant] Yeah, well the zinc bar is where Boston is, is where the baguette in Boston is now.


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[Assistant] Right here. Okay. So that's it. That's it. That's it right there.


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[Assistant] Well, for a year, I would run the, uh, the, uh, on Bleecker, uh, Village Lantern and then I'd run over and start the Boston. So I was running both those clubs at the exact same time. It was like crazy. I mean, just back and forth. Yeah, just running over.


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[Assistant] Yeah, in no disrespect to The Cellar, but the Boston was kind of, it was, it was, you might see, you know, some very competitive shows there, you know, to The Cellar. It was Patrice, Jim Norton, and Chappelle, I mean, it was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember we were at the Boston Comedy Club and Patrice O'Neill was in the back and we used to use this thing called phone books before we, you know, had Google and they would deliver these like big yellow phone books and I remember there was a big stack of them at the Boston Comedy Club.


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[Assistant] No, I think Soul Plane was his big move. Like it was something like that. Like he was on the cusp of like, but he was still, and I remember Patrice O'Neil was in the back and he was just throwing foam books. He's like, stand on this, we can't see you. And he's like throwing foam books. Just throwing them at the stage. It was amazing. Amazing.


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[Assistant] Oh, absolutely. He was more at the Lantern, but yea, I was part of the crew.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, New York's just a different animal. I remember one time at Gotham Comedy Club, for two years I was the standby comic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe, if you're like a Todd Berry type or something, like it really depended though, but uh, you know, but at least it, you know, maybe five spots a night would be huge, but maybe more on the weekend.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but most of us would go to Connecticut or Pennsylvania or, you know. Once you start getting some road stuff. But I think there's, I think the road was before you were like a solid city comic, you know what I mean? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we did some crazy ones. We did some wild, wild gigs.


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[Assistant] I think there's a level before that. Uhm, I was a busboy and a cook. I did that at a New York comedy club. I had to bake hamburgers and french fries and they had like real fryers and stuff in there and I would get like 25 cents off the burgers and 10 cents off the fries and then get 5 minutes on the checks.


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[Assistant] Uh, well, let's, yeaah, I mean, I, so I got basically, you know, I would run these comment codes cause I knew who was funny. Like I had a good eye for like the guys that were the next, whatever, you know, so.


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[Assistant] But I couldn't manage it well. Math is not my strong suit. And so he would kind of be my ghost where I would pretend I like did the math and like Nate would be like, I ran Applebee's or whatever.