[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's always one cockroach in the family and I think I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, here's the deal, man, is that I do know that my mom, by the time she was my age, already had heart problems and this is right about when like cancer starts showing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I would like to plug some, some, plug some, uh, filler up sealer shuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why we go to those games, those compression shorts. They don't compress a lot when they run, if you know what I'm saying. Saltburn!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not, but here's the problem. If you want an emo chick, you yourself have to look a little emo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time.


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[Assistant] All in one place, all on your own terms. Squarespace is super easy to use.


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[Assistant] Showcase your content on beautiful video pages. And if you want to sell your products in person, you can do so by connecting a Square Reader to the Squarespace app.


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[Assistant] And keep your orders, inventory, and customer data in sync with your online store. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an appointment to get my upper eyelids trimmed. Oh yea? In LA. Nice. I'm gonna go April 12th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slowly rotting. Okay, okay, let me draw what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh that, okay, so this is thought provoking. Yes indeed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so the first one, it's male, male, female. Okay. Yeah. So she had one in her mouth, one in her A and her anus, and then one in licking the vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm just telling you, if I were to do this, like OJ, if I were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she used to go, you know what? She also says shit on my dick or shit on my tits. She says shit on my tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So but back to the philosophical debate, does this count as airtight? One in your, a peener in your anus, a peener in your mouth, and then a tongue in your vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just excited to learn there's all kinds of ways to do this. Very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, at a party, she would go, I went airtight one time and then tell this story. I don't think that's fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so she says, she, she, she, yeah, she just says, I want to be in on the dialogue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Vancouver, Meat Rattle, and Man Fran Disco. That's three cities. Um, and I want to, I'm proud to say that two out of three of those cities, I destroyed and blew up the hotel toilets. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in Vancouver, this is the crazy part, okay? In Vancouver, the morning I depart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Tom. And I do this, so the problem is twofold. One, I don't flush because I don't want to make noise if somebody's with me. Yea, but no one's with you. I know. So I'm in the habit. And second fold is that our toto, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our Toto flush is for me, so I forget to, I just like don't, I'm not consciously flushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I fucking loaded it with toilet paper in Vancouver and then I drink my coffee as we know I have my routine. I wake up, I drink coffee, I take a shit. Now the problem is I just flushed that fucker and the water dude was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got lucky though, okay, cause it rose right to the top where the fucking, the seat is, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, like it was about to overflow and it didn't. And I was like, now I have to shit. So what do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means that I would, I was ready to go out for the, for the time. So that means I have to get my suitcase, go down and leave. Okay. So that, that component's there. What do you do? Go ahead. I'm going to pull the booth boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also sidebar, here's another part to this. I'm peri-menopausal and if I don't shit when I feel it, it's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep in mind, I have to shit before I shower. So what am I supposed to do? Go down to the lobby, in my pajamas, put clothes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so all these circumstances, I shit on top of the flooded toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I left a note and I was like, sorry, I just wrote sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, same problem. He didn't learn to start flushing the pee. Cause I was drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have to drink- I could drink less, but yeah, so I was like pissing and pissing all night, and then by the time the morning came, dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already shit though, so I didn't do it that way, but I flushed the toilet and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I found him so, I like it. I can't like look at him. I can't, and I'm sure some girl like loves this style and this vibe. It's just not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is crazy. He's really crazy. I don't, yeah, I don't like this type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this guy gets laid so much though, right? Girls love this. This is such a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I dream about the double soul shaman. I live for him. I love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masturbating and catching his own love mustard in his mouth. And he wants to get every last drop because it's his male essence and he's just recycling male essence, which I understand on a rational level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This is the ultimate form of self-love, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the, so what you're saying is don't judge myself so harshly for clogging two toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you do this? Do you think you could do this? You're in great shape, you do yoga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His aim is really good. I don't think this is the first time he's done this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he practices. Cause imagine how sloppy you would be the first time you tried this. Get the aim just right. And he wants every last drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he still maintains the yoga pose. It's impressive. And then he's like, I'm cupping my balls after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, I just, I literally started gagging like my throat closed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you keep going down this rabbit hole. Oh, I won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, Paul, you're right. Hold on, cause remember we were like, his historical facts are not right. You're telling me the Spartans did do gay shit. I didn't say they weren't right. Paul, I, we did last time, we were like, how does he know that they did it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is such a product of our times too, because you can be like, yeah, I read it online, or I saw this TikTok, and like, there's no way to validate anything anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it would have happened maybe not then, eventually, somebody would have been like, dude, that kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but on the other hand, what a great club to belong to. Cause I, I, I realized that too very recently. Paul was in the, in our green room here and I was like, oh, everybody's mentally ill. And then I was like, what a relief that I'm amongst my tribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of us comedians unfortunately are not well enough to get married and have relationships and children and families. So it's, we're the luckier ones that are functional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't think about that. Tommy and I, I guess we were lucky in that we started, I mean we met young, you were 23, I was 26, and then we got married as starving comedians, and you and I had each other to come home to after those bad sets, after those nightmare nights, and then to come home to when like, oh my god, I booked my first feature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like he was and he, maybe he, that room, he thought something else was happening in there or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's why I think about all the time how damaged you have to be to be a stand-up comedian, like, cause, uh, especially as a woman, I've put up with all, there's one time I did this gig in Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that the fun of it? I love the craft of it because the success comes and goes, but the work of it, the actual work of it is the funnest part for me. I don't know, you know what I like more than when I see, it's fun to see your hour on Netflix or something. You're like, oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to think that we wasted all this valuable pee because it has so much testosterone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your story reminds me so much of when Tommy and I were living in Silver Lake back in, was it 2010 or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had eaten a cake pop, right? It was cake pops. And I didn't, I was, I didn't do anything and I get up in the middle of the night and it's pitch black and I just see the silhouette of Tommy pacing in the living room talking to himself too. Cause I was too fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my mom always told me, marry rich because you can love a poor man. You can love a rich man just as much as you can love a poor man. And I married the poorest, most lovable sweet man. And now look what happened. I got lucky. She hated it, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I can't, I don't think there is a president that I've just been in love with, like what a great guy. It's all bullshit, you know they're bullshit. Maybe they're handsome or something, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you Google a young Ronald Reagan? Maybe he was attractive. Cause he was an actor. He was an actor, but I don't know. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that he was that tall. Yeah, I guess- Well, once television started is when looks really mattered, because before that we had a president in a wheelchair. That's right. So it was only because of- That shit would never happen in this era. Never!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you who I've come to love a lot more now that he's in the rear view is, uh, George W. Junior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really start to like him now, because he's just kinda dopey and fun, and he's not as dumb as other people we've had since, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready for my TikTok curations? Sure. So I like to find the outliers, the people that are underrepresented on TikTok and showcase them for our show. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's possible because like I said, look how tiny that mouse is. You probably wouldn't feel it in the weight of the cup if you're making a drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm so happy to hear that. All I want to do is take people on a journey. That's all I want. It's my Lord's work. Oh, it's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I mean. That's not- That's what I mean, like when I was younger and someone would call me ma'am before I lived in the south, I'd be a little irked. Cause I'm like, I'm not that old. But I wouldn't take to video. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm doing, um, yeah, Judor Tiddies, the 23rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that cherry cola and cum in your balls? You got any cum in your balls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breaking news, Eric Drogon said I'm incompetent to stand trial. They're going to have to drop the charges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool tattoos, hot rods, rat rods, motorcycles, good music. I don't care about the genre, as long as it's good music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking for somebody to talk to that's not testosterone filled, tough guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Mark. Hey Tom. Thanks for coming. Do you use a washcloth? No. Come on the face. Is it good for the skin? Absolutely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so happy we actually got to connect. I'll try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In case you missed it, you can stream 69 minutes now at ymhstudios.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this is officially too much for this show. This is a heavy segment topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost Christ mass. Uhm, also, huge, huge shout out to everybody who joined us for 69 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're all very, very thankful and we're still celebrating and uhm, yeaah. If you haven't yet seen it, go to ymhstudios.com and you can watch it over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with your ticket until December 29th, I believe, so you can just keep watching it and share it, tell your friends. A lot of people worked really hard on it. I hope you enjoy it. Uhm, Gene, where are you gonna be? I know you have dates. Where are you gonna be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday weeks like last time. It's literally weekend shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, we're at, it's already February, right? And then it, and then there's only a few dates. Then you do Portland, uh, Maine. That's it for February, March, Manchester, New Hampshire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Mohegan Sun, San Antonio, Dallas, Belton. Then it's Orlando, St. Augustine, Tampa, Hollywood. That's it for March. Then March is over. April, Salt Lake, Boise, Seattle, Portland, uh, Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Nashville, Charlotte, Raleigh, Atlanta, Pittsburgh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People ask me by the way, uh, I feel like we say this every time we do tours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you not doing this? They're all going to be added. They're all, some of them are already booked. They just haven't been announced. You don't announce...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of it at once, cause it's crazy to announce like, this is, hey here's the show next November, you know? So you just kind of, you do it in, in like, you know, segments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and then Bart, Bart and I are doing the MGM Grand Garden Arena, uhm, on February 10th, the Saturday before the big game. You're not allowed to say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're aggressive. Sure. Yeah, so you have to go, the big game is the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When two of the final teams from professional football will compete. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm doing Portland Maine and Portland Oregon. And I made that a point. I said, you better book me in both Portlands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so it's very exciting. How about being that Christmas is just a few days away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do a, we do a nice sweet opener. Yes, of course. That's in the Christmas spirit. Of course. Ready? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is literally what a victim has been kept hostage sees, right? Right before night-night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know, he, uh, he has a group of girls in his, in his bio that are his biggest fans. His name is Barry. Of course. Hi Barry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom Hanks. I've seen it, you have a real like, who's this fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this drunk. You're always like, yep. You don't think the best of humanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't know any of this? How do you not know that? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An advocate of you shaving your head for as long as you live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it would look good. I honestly think the skull would look good, but a full head shave would look rad. Seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give you joy. You're gonna feel joy when you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny though. You're gonna go on stage and people are like, look how funny she looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just, like the, if you had, when I had hair and it got to summer and you're like, oh, I can just buzz this all off and it's so hot outside. It is like a relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm kinda tough. Ben Franklin's style? You know what I mean? Yeah. Genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing. Do you know what your views, everyone will be like, have you seen this bitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna smile through the screen. Stop. What? You don't think that's a stinky chick right there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been with some stinky rules. They were just little stinkers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Of course they have. You really luck out when you find a clean one. Most chicks are like, you're like, go wash yourself, you dirty little bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, you don't, I mean, you're still, you're not gonna like, leave, but there is a thing where you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess I'm not gonna go down much longer. You know, I'm not really into that and you find your way back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it as soon as I get home. Alright. Yea, I was doing it in the mornings, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, but if you are just thrilled to always do it, then it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, yea. Sometimes you're like, I just don't want my face involved right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet I can show you somebody that'll make you change your mind. Maybe not about being a lesbian, but maybe getting back in the mix with things. Ready? Enter the dating pool again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's got, you know, he takes care of himself. He's, uh, in shape, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, very confident. We've seen this guy before. We've seen him before. You wanna know where? Here's the video that we actually saw him on before on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here he's a little frustrated because somebody had the audacity to say, don't record me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been this guy, like I've been the guy with the mattress on the floor and everything, but to be fair, I was 21, 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think as, as you get older, if your life becomes I fuck hoes and you're, you're aging, you have to update the, right? Like the place has to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. Here's the thing. There's nothing else worth criticizing you about. Literally. You are perfect in every sense of the word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, we've gotta update your room, man. We gotta get some something on the walls. You got these bare walls. Put the cat box in the bathroom, right? There's like an orange light coming from something in the background. And there's just shit all over your floor. And yea, you gotta empty the litter box. That is it. Once you do that, you are perfect. Flawless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a sweet guy. He's a cool guy. I also love that he was like, this is the chick I'm gonna, my friend hooked me up, we're definitely gonna fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cool. Well, uh, I would love to get an update from her, if there's any way to track her down. If anybody saw that photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If anybody saw this and knows who this is, please for the love of God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have this woman contact us. So presumptuous. I'm begging you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, if you're her, for that, for like, somebody to use your photo. Yea, bro. I was like, you see this person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jesus. Man. Merry Christmas, everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know exactly what's going on here. I know exactly what's going on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants praise. He wants people to be like, cause there's people who can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do any of that? He's like, look what I can do. Look what I can do. This is look what I can do. It's like when your little boys are like, watch me do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently he does this though. He does a lot of song covers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Hostage Tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You heard that right. The best thing Christina and I have done for our sleep is use hostage tape. What is hostage tape? You might be asking. Well, it's mouth tape that you use during sleep. Do not confuse that with duct tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is not that. It is specifically designed to wear while you sleep. It's gentle enough where it doesn't tear your lips off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's durable enough where it promotes keeping your mouth closed. Keeping your mouth closed is a better way to sleep. It's great that you actually have your mouth shut and you're promoting breathing through your nose. It's healthier. It's also way less disruptive. If you're somebody who's, ah, this is going to put an end to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've given us a special offer for each one of you guys that is limited to one use only. Jump all over before it is too late and see why Christina and I can't sleep without it. Go to HostageTape.com slash mom to get yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man. Feels like you're tearing all kinds of stuff in there though, right? Lingam. Lingam's getting ripped apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, that's true. That is actually the lesson in all this, is your mind can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying, oh, it's spit. It's spit. It's not piss. He's spitting through his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just, I think, I feel like any real decadent indulgence is usually like a private one, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's what I'm saying. It's, it's like, this isn't good for you. You feel shame that like you're eating this bad treat. It's usually not a public display. Usually, sometimes it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anything like that. Yeah. Sweet treats. Sweet treats. I'm trying to think if there's anything where I'm like, I don't want anyone seeing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's revolting. It is. It's probably. It is. I had it once when I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so funny, I'm like, really? It was GOD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm smelling, I'm feeling sick right now. I'm like smelling yogurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But that's like, I think my pet peeve of kids is a shirt pull. Of course, or being physically harmed. I go, I go, if you fucking pull my shirt again, I'm gonna knock your teeth out of your head. And he was like, he looked at me, he goes, you're joking, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's acid coagulated fresh cheese. I am gonna throw up if we keep talking about this. I'm telling you right now and I'm gonna puke right on your lap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this is officially too much for this show. This is a heavy segment topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to ever talk about cottage cheese again, and make a note of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's take a quick break. I'm so excited for our guest. And we're back and also back for the second time. He was just here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his new book, The Perfect Amount of Wrong. It's about the, uh, Chicago comedy scene from 1995 to 2009. It is Mike Bridenstine, everybody! Thank you. Thank you for having me back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like, I remember. It's cool that you wrote this book because I remember I moved to LA in 2002 and started stand-up that year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember meeting all these guys, right? Like that, and, and you're like, were you from Chicago? Chicago. And it was like this slow realization, like, oh, there's just like this crew and you guys all kind of knew each other. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So like, when you got here, you're like, oh I know, like, Kyle and Matt have my back kind of thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did, I also vividly remember the first time that I met Bronger, he was visiting LA and it was at her show, your show at Tangier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right. And then, who's, cause like, forgive me for not knowing, but didn't like, you guys have somebody who, everybody, like in your, in this clique, everybody was like, this dude's really funny, and he died?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that too because I had the same manager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at, so for people that don't follow, you know, in Stan, I think it's actually calmed down now, but there was a time where you're only, you thought the biggest thing in the world would be to get the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that everything happens there. And, and so when you get it, you're like, holy shit, like I'm on my way. Like this is, this is what it is. So I go to that in 2007 and, and I'm a part of the New Faces thing with Bronger, Nikki Glaser, um, I dunno, a couple other people that are in this thing. And there's different shows. I'm not, not, we don't, not all on the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, was Bacchazzi in mind? I don't think so, I'd remember that. Okay. Uhm, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the, you, you, there's a lot of, uh, ride shares, right? Like Transpo's a whole thing at these, like festivals that have cities. So, you're always kind of in the lobby at curbside and there's, uh, uh, multiple vans and they're like, are you doing this? You jump in with these people. So you just, you're always like, cause you don't know where anything is, right? And Montreal's kind of laid out like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. So we're, but we're in this, uh, I go do one of my, I do one of the new face shows. And you're just like, ah, you know, I hope, I hope my life changes. Like you don't know what's going to happen. And I'm writing with my manager. And he goes,


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[Assistant] He's like, you know, it was good, right? Good, yeaah. Says whatever and he goes, you know who's gonna be huge? Oh my god. Who's gonna be a star? And I'm like...


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[Assistant] I go, whoo, and he goes, TJ Miller. He's fucking, he's got it. He's gonna be the, I was like, uh, good, good, good for him.


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[Assistant] Hannibal hit the scene though, well, you like, you know the origins of it, but what I remember is just somebody being like, hey, did you see this guy on, it was like Letterman or, or, or, I don't know, one of the late night shows?


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[Assistant] So I saw the set and I was like, wow, that's really funny. Like, it was like, that's really funny. And then I was in Melbourne, Australia with him, doing the Melbourne Festival.


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[Assistant] Doing the shows every night and then everybody, everybody. So we had, we were on the shows together. It was him, me and Moshe Kasher.


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[Assistant] People would come up to us and be like, have you seen that guy, uh, Hannibal? He's great. And I was like, yea, I'm on the show with him.


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[Assistant] You get that. I get, they go, uh, I did something and they're like, this is great. Two shows at this venue is incredible. And then you're like, oh, awesome. And they're like, Chappelle did six. And you're like, you mean the biggest Canadian of all time.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I also remember specifically this thing, which I also thought was wild, and it came true. Which is, we were walking around Melbourne, and you know, we spent two weeks together. We were doing these shows for two weeks. We were talking about just, you know,


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[Assistant] What's next kind of thing? I was like, yeah, I really want to get


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[Assistant] The presents, you know, which is the half hour, the Comedy Central half hour special. Like, cause that's the next step. And I was like, don't you want to do that? And he was like,


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[Assistant] I think I'm just gonna skip that and just go straight to an hour. And I was like, what? Like, who? How can someone do that? You know? I really was like, how can somebody? I was like, really? Like, isn't that a crazy idea? And he was like, mm-mm. And then he did it. And he just did it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, right? Yeaah, super slow payments. Yeaah, cause you also see that, the um, the nervous comic, or the comic who's not solid in their stuff, goes fast fast, you know what I mean? Right! Hey, let me run through this, aah, and hopefully you'll laugh, aah, and they act, they get louder and crazier. Yeaah. And then like people, like cause that Ron White thing, right? Ron is like,


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[Assistant] What? Do you know, do you know that the fun, this is the funniest thing. You say it all the time. Christina was like, uh, so you're going to Chicago? And I'd be like, Chicago? And I was like, who the fuck? She goes, yea, people say that all the time. I go, I've never heard that. That week.


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[Assistant] I go to the airport, this is LAX, we're living in LA, and I'm in the, I'm actually going to like Denver, but I'm in the United Terminal, and I see this lady, and she's leaned over the stand, and she goes, alright,


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[Assistant] Flight 267 to Chicago is boarding. I was like, holy shit! Like, people do say that stupid shit. Just throw an R in there out of nowhere. To non-existent


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[Assistant] No, I just did, uh, a small theater there. Like a 300 seater.


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[Assistant] In Chicago the night before my Gary Indiana casino gig. That's fun. And my agent was like, do you want to do this small, it was a cool little, is it the den?


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[Assistant] Like a, like a, I dunno, like a gentleman's quarters or something, right?


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[Assistant] Blowing up. Yeah, no, people are blowing up. Left and right. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they fly, there's that big thing about bagels too. They're like, yeah, they, they use the, the water in Brooklyn is better. So they like, transport the water.


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[Assistant] No, I think it's really, it's really, uh, you have to be, you have to be ready to call an audible. Meaning, if the guy feels threatening, then you gun it as hard as you can and then you slam on the brakes.


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[Assistant] Right? Yeah. If you feel threatened. Yeah. Or you see him and he's a few feet in front and you run him over and then you go like, I was scared. But if you don't feel threatened, then I think you gradually slow down and you let him off like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just saw, uhm, a video, I see some really wild videos. My algorithm is insane on Instagram now. It's so many murders and deaths, accidents, fires and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this thing that, like, when people have dash cams, you know, on their cars, and they're coming from this on-ramp, and the car in front stops about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's say 15 feet ahead of the car that's recording.


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[Assistant] And both sides, doors open, people get out of the car, and the driver,


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[Assistant] Of the car with the dash cam that's behind this car, just guns it, hits the dude, tears the doors off of this, cause they were going to rob him, you know? They got out and just fucking...


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[Assistant] Pushes the car, just like, just destroys it and it gets on the highway. You got to, I guess. Woah, yeah. I've seen a couple like that and they're usually in Mexico or South America, as was this one. It was in Santiago, Chile.


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[Assistant] There's Cubans there, there's Venezuelans there, there's Colombians there, there's Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Haitians. Yeaah, there's everything. All, everything in the Caribbean and South America is all there. And they're all from places where you go, you give 20 bucks to the cops,


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[Assistant] You drive in and out, you ignore, you know, uh, red lights or suggestions, you know, you, you don't like, so driving there, it feels,


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[Assistant] Also people get, that's where, and Instagram shows me that if you get hit by a vehicle, everybody just keeps going.


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[Assistant] But I'm telling you, if something bad happens here, they don't go like...


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[Assistant] This at least looks way crazier than anything I've experienced.


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[Assistant] Lima's cars. Lima's cars, but it feels completely lawless.


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[Assistant] That is crazy that they just go, Oh, it's a fully booked flight, but we got a fatty. So you're not going to go. You're going to get two seats.


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[Assistant] And they're like, and like they would compliment me, like you were hilarious in that commercial.


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[Assistant] No, they're per-scripts, but they're just mild readers.


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[Assistant] Why does this say this is my brother though? This is Tom's long lost brother.


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[Assistant] So one of my favorite lanes of TikTok is the, uhm, the, you know,


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[Assistant] Yeah. Hey, I wanna look trashier. Can I pay for this?


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[Assistant] That's the thing is that you, you know what the thing is, is like you, it's so obvious that these are not genuine. You know what I mean? Like, somebody with freckles, natural, you're like, oh that's like, it's appealing, it can look cute, but this looks like somebody stabbed their face with an apparatus.


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[Assistant] There's a phenomena in nature where seahorses actually give birth to children.


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[Assistant] I will say this, this is a, it's very nice and the, the, the baby's adorable. This guy's voice is fucking weird as shit. I hate it. I hate his whispers. I hate his whispers. He's making my spine tingle.


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[Assistant] When we were in Florida, I was, uh, I had a dinner with high school friends.


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[Assistant] If we went over, like, if you were like, hey, come over to my friend, like, Melissa's real quick. And we walked in.


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[Assistant] And I was like, what is that? And she was like, oh it's actually my...


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[Assistant] My menstrual blood, I'm just, I'm feeding the plants. I'm like, right, let's get the fuck out of here, dude. This is a psychopath.


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[Assistant] Every time we see an internet video thing about throuples, it's always a woman and two guys. This is like, I feel like this is more rare to me.


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[Assistant] I mean, these, I have to say, for throuples, these are probably the best looking throuples. Like, he's a handsome guy. That guy won. She's pretty. She's very pretty.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think that's what, I think that's 1000%.


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[Assistant] He's like, why do you keep spraying my face? You're like, I don't know. He's like, I can reach my face. There's somewhere in Texas you can do this for sure.


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[Assistant] You found it. You found the Easter egg. You put a bunch of money in em and you get


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[Assistant] This reminds me, this is where I got, I had this joke about midgets with like, uh,


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[Assistant] Where we had midgets at this, uh, like it was supposed to be a party and, and the director was like, uh, like as they're walking by, he's like, can we put like some, uh, like a bowl of peanut butter on his head or something? And you see the guy who was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he's like, yeah, so then when he walks by you guys can like scoop it out and I was like


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[Assistant] And you gotta turn down, like, the integrity to turn down all the elf shit that they throw your way. You know what I mean? Like, that's all you're getting, is they're always like, and there's an elf, you know?


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[Assistant] In Atlanta. And he's like 5'9", let's say. And he goes like, when he's covering the Hawks, he's like, sometimes I'll be like standing out there. And one of the guys who's like 6'10".


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[Assistant] Mike Bridenstine's, aka Brido's, new book, The Perfect Amount of Wrong, is out now. It's about the history of the Chicago comedy scene from 1995-2009. It features some of the biggest comedians that you have grown to enjoy and love. Kyle Kanane, Hannibal Buress, Kumail Nanjiani.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Argotty was there, Cameron Esposito, like yeaah, it's a pretty crazy list and it must have been a crazy time. Uhm, lots of fun, exciting stories, alcohol fueled. Yes, a lot of violence in there. Oh cool. All the stuff that we love and is filling my Instagram algorithm.


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[Assistant] 2037. I'll be ready. Alright. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks for having me.


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[Assistant] I was a bit nervous for the first time, but not anymore.


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[Assistant] Come in and almost see us having sex in my room. First of all.


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[Assistant] Everyone's exploring us together, it's like a love intimacy as well. And also it's really changing of my heart.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and this is my next project. This, this house came to me via my friend Carrie, all the way from, I don't even know where she got it, somewhere in Pennsylvania. But it's so cool because all four sides open up and I can't wait to get started. I don't know what kind of murder it's gonna be yet, but stay tuned and you'll find out.


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[Assistant] It was a great episode. I appreciate you doing that and really sitting down and talking about it. Cause I didn't know all that either. Like your dad's heart stopping for what was it, 10, 20 minutes? That's insane.


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[Assistant] They ca- they didn't wait till you got there, they told you ahead of time? Was he like n- gone during- was that during the window when he was gone or you're landing not knowing whether he's coming?


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[Assistant] Did you even know you could live? You've been gone 20 minutes?


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[Assistant] 30 minutes. I've been, uh, on tour, uh, get your tickets at RyanSickler.com. And, um, after everything that happened to me in the hospital, I've been, I, I started asking people, is there anyone in the audience here that's.


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[Assistant] Yeah, or they were breathing so low they couldn't tell. Or they get buried alive. That happens. That's the one. That's the one right there. That's it. I can kill me. There's that old school Twilight Zone episode. Yes. Where the guy pays the grave keeper to dig him up and then he lights the match and the coffin he looks over and the grave diggers in there and he's like,


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[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, the eighth floor of this hospital. And that's what she saw. But other than that, no, there's been no nothing. It's just been darkness.


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh, Dennis do it. He's had so much to talk about. Yeah. Look at him. He's great. He's fun. Whoa, whoa, watch this.


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[Assistant] Lead the league in rebounds right there. Lead the NBA in rebounds at the same time.


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[Assistant] That Michael Jordan led the NBA in scoring. So what that actually means is there's very few opportunities for missed shots on by his team and he's still.


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[Assistant] Going out and pulling boards down off of missed shots from everybody else in the other team and leading the league when this guy is draining everything. He was relentless. Nobody wants that. That's how fucking good that guy in that party dress was.


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[Assistant] Um, and yeah, so I'm back here again, hanging out with you guys. You, like you said, you just were out there. You just did, uh, an episode of my new podcast. The new one's going to launch. I'm starting a new podcast. It's called The Way Back.


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[Assistant] Right, no seatbelt, second hand smoke, flipping birds, and you know, 18 wheelers and all that shit. Uhm, and it's only going to be like a 30 minute podcast. I don't want to do another hour or something. I just want to talk about nostalgia, growing up, vacations, fireworks, all of it.


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[Assistant] It's just a lap belt too. You're flying over, it's cutting you, cutting you in half and shit. But the car could take the beat. The car could. That was the thing you couldn't, but the car could. Now, the car can't. You know, a car is $2500.


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[Assistant] I don't even think about that. I forget that when you're out on the road there could be someone out there that just got their license and doesn't really know all the rules.


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[Assistant] You know, my friend, you met him, Eric, Eric Snyder. So he got his license in January and we got ours in March. So he was driving about a month and a half before everybody else was in our grade.


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[Assistant] So uhm, we would have simulators in the class, and they would have that, like the lady would walk out in the street. Now they, if you hit her, you didn't blow her up or anything, it just dinged you on your little thing, like that's a, that's a mark, that's a mark.


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[Assistant] So then you also had to go out with the driver's ed teacher and we had like a Chevy Corsica and it had the brakes, you know, on the other side as well. So he could hit him and he was a redneck from Kentucky and he'd be like, guys. He'd always.


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[Assistant] But we would get in and then he would get out at some point when he'd take us to park. He'd say, I'm taking this park a lot. He steps out and then I sit up front with my brother.


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[Assistant] And my brother's got a parallel park and he's watching and I'm just over there pumping that fucking break. And my brother's like, stop, cause it's making him look bad. He knows what I'm doing. He's like, don't be an asshole son. Don't be an asshole son. Then we get out on the road and Eric Snyder is already driving. He's got a big ass Caprice classic station wagon.


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[Assistant] And all he's doing is getting in front of us and brake checking us with the teacher in the car. And we're like, we're like, come on, man, come on, Eric, we're beeping and he's like, guys, no, this is what you want.


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[Assistant] You want assholes like this on the road? I'm gonna let him do it, man. Let him be an asshole. We gotta work around Eric. And I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. That was driver's ed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pulling your, so I've had the Y strap done, which is not as intense as this, cause you, if you see, you're also, see where the waist is, he's got those pillars, you're locked in place. The Y strap, you slide with it when they pull you. This, your ass is locked in place and people say they feel their spine yank all the way down to their damn feet.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I want it so bad. I've seen a whole bunch of these. I just have this non-sexual fantasy of being, and I'm sure there's some fucking BDSM person out there, but just being suspended by my arms and my feet and stretched and twisted like a washcloth, just wrung out, just snapped and cracked and popped. I would love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My producer Kirsten saw that you, she's like, look, Tom's found Jesse Lee Peterson and Tom and Christine and I was like, oh my God, I gotta tell him.


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[Assistant] My manager sent me that first of all. I was like, Hey, these people are interested in having you on. And all I did was look up real quickly. I'd seen some guests and I was like, Oh, Jordan Peterson. I just saw some people that were like notable guests in the podcast world. And I was like, okay, I'll go do it.


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[Assistant] Hold on, you can play your highlights, but I'll get there.


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[Assistant] Like, oh, there's vidi- like, I didn't know anything. I came in a hoodie, like, I mean, not a nice hoodie. And, uhm.


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[Assistant] I'm sitting there, and first I'm a bit, I mean, I know I come across as professional, but I'm a bit standoffish, cause he sits down and he's just being a little bit, and I'm like, what the fuck is this?


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[Assistant] And then he starts saying the shit he's saying, and I-


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[Assistant] Think it's a prank. I- I 100% thought you or Josh Wolf set this up.


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[Assistant] I fuckin' spent about ten minutes in the mud trying to figure out what's really going on and then after I figure it out, then it just gets fuckin' fun. Yea. Look at your- cause even- How many kids do you have? I have two kids, my daughter's seven and her brother's my stepson, he just turned 19. And are they white?


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[Assistant] I don't want, I, I, I almost, eventually I do, but I'm like, I wanna be like,


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[Assistant] Pillaging, all of it, from time till now. Men have been in control. There's nobody stopping men. Who's trying to tear men down?


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[Assistant] So which good men do you think have been unlawfully or wrongfully torn down? Give me an example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about we take decades to fifties to sixties? I'm talking to...


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[Assistant] I don't know if it's, I believe he says that, like, I think he thought slavery was a good thing, cause it, it, you know, gave people work and regular, like, he's of that mind. Work? It's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His producer finally had to give me like, yes, I think we might be 20 and he's like, yes, it's for real. And I'm like, okay.


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[Assistant] Right. They don't even know what to do with it. They don't know how to build structure for themselves and routine and things like that. So they need that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to, uh, when I would write and produce, I would do these old game show network shows and all those hosts back then would smoke. They had Winston was the sponsor on the fucking thing. I was like, God damn, look at this shit.


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[Assistant] I do too. It's the front ass that's throwing me off. It's a whole front ass. It's a front ass. Yeah. And I can't like, fuck.


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[Assistant] It doesn't turn into a front ass? No. That's a front ass. It is. Yeah. And I see like her bottoms and I see like the white lining on the inside so it doesn't look like it's where it's supposed to.


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[Assistant] I think Christina gave me a hint that, that might throw me off. I'm gonna go with my gut first on this one. This is a white guy named Chandler Palmer. Uhm, that sounds... 11012 Sounds very white. Uhm, hair still kinda white. I'm thinking this guy's in for...


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[Assistant] Parents probably had money and he got wrapped up into drugs and he's probably in for some kind of drugs. Drug effects.


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[Assistant] Super. Palmer's a very white name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's petite in stature, he's definitely on some sort of spectrum. I'm gonna guess he got in trouble with probably an underage girl. Maybe he was 22, 23, she was interesting. 16.


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[Assistant] I mean, this is, he's, he's, he's, I don't know, he reeks of home invasion.


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[Assistant] Those are tatted up hands. His body's covered. At least he doesn't have anything from the neck up that I can see. I'm feeling arm robbery on this dude. I'm feeling arm robbery and, uh, maybe a stolen vehicle or two. Yeah, some getaway shit.


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[Assistant] He's like a 90's guy, I feel like.


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[Assistant] All the small things, trying to be cool, like a beastie boy, holding them, holding the phone different. Yeah. Trying to be that covering his face, covering his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Bill James 139038 carjacked, probably uhm, some elderly lady, probably pistol whipped her, stole the car, set it on fire, and then uhm, ransacked somebody's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a single dude with probably two cats and no pussy. He should have seen that old fucking pimp. Yeah. Look at this guy with his sweats tucked in. He's got his shirt tucked into his sweat. I think that's rolled over too a little bit. The band is rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at it, it's all muscle, no fur, it's disgusting.


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[Assistant] He probably, I'm just thinking a lot of things, like what if he was flying, rushing home because he has to shit so bad. Then he pulls in, now he's gotta tend to her and he's shitting himself down there, you know what I mean? You might be like, I can't.


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[Assistant] If that moment ever arises, I'm your fucking, I'm your guy, I'm ready.


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[Assistant] And they tape the mouth shut and then people go and sit on its back and take pictures. Okay. And my brother's like, look at your niece. And I was like, are you fucking insane? Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just headlined La Jolla and they told me that the seals, I was like, are the seals still down there? And they're like, yeah, but it's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These two, uh, Latina ladies saw me out back. They were a little older and they're like, so what are you doing when you're here with your time? They're probably in their sixties. They were sweet as shit. And I was like, Oh, I brought my daughter. We just make the family weekend out of it. I got my sitter. I got the producer. We're probably going to go into the cove, check out the seals. Are they still there? And I, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, why you say it like that? And I go, wow, it's, it's kind of a problem. And I'm like, what problem? She's like, well, people are trying to pet them. I'm like, who's trying to pet wild seals? And then they just don't say anything. And I go, white people. And they both were like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a bunch of feral cats, tons of them. And then one day we're up on the hill and I'm pulling this part and I hear this growling. I hear, grrr, grrr, and I'm with my buddy Jim and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck did we get a dog? We don't have any dogs, we have cats. And we look over and there's this fucking raccoon. I'm telling you. One solid light blue eye, one solid white eye. And it's just going hurrrr, and it's got its back hunched and it's all more like, aw, this thing's fucking rabid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We drive back down to the front, we're like there's a fucking rabid raccoon up there, we gotta handle it. There's a customer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time, Shannon, it's his dad jar, he goes to his grandparents, it's like a mile away, and gets a shotgun. When he comes back, there's already a customer that's been there, who's got a 9 with the fucking sights on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, can I shoot it? We're like, you can shoot it. So we go up on the hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy fuckin' sights it, and it's just like, it's still, hurr, hurr, and he shoots this fuckin' thing right in the goddamn head, and it drops, and it gets up. It got up, I swear to god!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And whatever they need to eat everyday. It's like a gazelle. How do you buy that? I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dog doing that shit, a tiger just fucking ripped your arm off. Sorry, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you? A tiger cub will fuck you up. Yeah, a bear cub. That's the other one I see a lot. The bears. Yeah, Russians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me get out. Anybody that ever wants to go near a baby animal, you're the dumbest because you know damn well, they're not like humans where our parents abandon us. That mom or dad is right fucking there. And they kind of want you to come near them. I feel like so they can just fuck you up and show their kids. That's how you do it. That's how you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's launching in January 2024.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be on my YouTube, it'll be free, it'll be all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyone's ever heard? Wildest, but we just did another recap where we, uh, I do these highlight episodes every now and then. I'd love to have you on one too, where all you have to do is just sit and watch what we say. Yeah. Check this shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and they're really fun. That'll be an end of the year episode and it'll get a lot of people excited. But we've done about 30 some episodes with just highlights at this point and I'm telling you those episodes alone are worth the monthly charge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it is, that's the way they built it. What is White History Month?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack. You ready? Not quite yet! Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack. Pull, pull, pull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not make your food, put it in a Tupperware, and then leave it on your counter for a week, because you literally will pass away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think going out on a date made you a slut, but having sex with different men made you a slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What wouldn't be bad for our conversation would be interesting. Okay. Why don't you date men? I'm not attracted to men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because it's of the same sex, so it's abnormal. But that's not an argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stephen is gonna be real wealthy one day. He's gonna have more money than Donald Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so hard on a mother to watch over the man's children and work and things like that because women are so emotional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you regret not getting married and having children now that you're older? Well, and I'm gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, have you been with men? Of course. Like, sexually? Yes. Really? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it do. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're welcome. Uhm. Amazing! It's a great day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you didn't get chocolates and roses today. It's like, come on, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want regular dinner or do you want the dinner that shows that you care? Yeah. And you're like, oh no, I want that one. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do that with the coffins. The gold sealed coffins. That's amazing. If you haven't been through that, oh my god, you sit down with someone and they're like, I'm so sorry about your loss. And you're like, mm, thank you. And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, we're gonna pick the box for the body right now. Uhm, did you wanna do just the plywood?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did like all, like all the stuff. We made, we didn't go for like all the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then like, was he in the military? And they're like, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, do you have the documents that prove it? I'm like, right now? Here? No. I was like, okay, you'll have to send that. Like we can't just put.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Marine Corps stuff on there without... So we had to like, go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like petition the state for a document that proves it and then they're like, yeah, okay, we can do that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, my dad would like it if we released doves and then shot them. Like if you could have the Marines go ahead and shoot them in the air. That would be the best. It was amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, what a nice lovely way to start the Valentine's Day episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. It just doesn't, um, it doesn't ever end, you know? I can't believe this is really, this is really taking off. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is a love story for a love day. That's another airtight story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About 16 years ago, I went to a cousin's wedding in Bakersfield, California. If you're not familiar, Bakersfield is a lovely city. Beautiful. It was a big wedding and lots of fun. We get back from the wedding, close to midnight, and as soon as I get out of the shower, there's a female that I, there I recognize from the wedding, who has just opened the door, grabs my hand, and leads me into the bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, what am I about to embark on? I later enter the guest bedroom and there's my cousin getting his peener sucked and his bestie doing doggy. I'm thinking immediately like, where do I fit in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is insane. He took it to another level because it's not just airtight, it's airtight with family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it, it, you know, he re-recharged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude. God. To be like, oh, hey, what's up, bud? Like, walk, your cousin walks in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kicked off on accident my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My big toe toenail. I split it in half, I should say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like doing a drill. So the shield lifted it up. It was painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like I just taped it up, it was bleeding everywhere. And then later on when I took that tape off, I just folded it in half and I just ripped it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what I was doing. I was just playing with it. Cause it was so substantial, I was just like toying with it, like folding it, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, and then I was, I thought you were gonna take a bite. I was trying to hand it to you for a bite. I thought you wanted to nibble on it. And then you were like, if you fucking drop that on the floor, it's gonna cut me open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, you know, I just toyed with that, tried to give it to you as a memento.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you're not good at receiving gifts, so I took it back, and then I disposed of it in the uh, toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been putting Neosporn and a Band-Aid over it, and then I also tore up the top of my foot, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not everyday somebody hands you half of a large toenail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, it was just a bunch of blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I thought you would enjoy it. I thought you'd have a little better attitude about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make life insurance part of your financial planning this year. Start shopping now with Policy Genius to find the right policy to protect your family. Getting life insurance today means you'll have peace of mind so that if something were to happen to you, your family can cover expenses while getting back on their feet. Luckily,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius helps you compare your options from top companies and their team of licensed experts is on hand to help talk you through it. I am a huge proponent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of insurance, particularly life insurance. You never know, especially if people rely on you. You have to give them some safety net. Policy Geniuses Technology makes it easy to compare life insurance quotes from America's top insurers in just a few clicks to find your lowest price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for one million dollars of coverage. Some options offer same day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams. Save time and money and provide your family with a financial safety net using Policy Genius. Head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] PolicyGenius.com slash YMH or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. When you're juggling work, family, and life in general, things can feel chaotic. That's why Coors Light helps you find moments to reset and refresh all year long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever you need to hit reset, reach for a Coors Light. It's made to chill. I love kicking back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And having an ice cold beer any time of year. It doesn't have to be hot outside. It can be cold inside and I'll still drink a cold beer. There's only one beer out there that's literally made to chill and that's Coors Light. Coors Light is cold lagered, cold filtered and cold packaged. When it's time for a refresh, just open a Coors Light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a mountain cold refreshment, crisp and refreshing as the Colorado Rockies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's time to chill, Coors Light is the beer I reach for. So when you want to hit reset, grab the beer that's made to chill, get Coors Light delivered straight to your door with Drizzly or Instacart by going to CoorsLight.com slash YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of love, this is just such a beautiful idea and I hope so many of you get inspired the way I did after seeing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, it's just, it's so brilliant. I mean, you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's the wide, uh, shoe, what, wide toe shoe box, whatever it's called, wide shoe toe box. I'm fucking it up. But it's the one so that your foot is splayed open. Sure. Right. As opposed to traditional shoes that keep, yeah, wide toe box shoes. That's what it is. Wide toe box shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, traditional shoes are narrow, so yeaah, they do confine your feet, and like, if they're too tight, they obviously have like some negative, uh. Yes, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is just fuckin' shave the bottom of all your shoes off. And then to completely destroy them. Uhm, where you're walking, and then they just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you could be like, that person has no bottom to that shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's so stupid. Well that's why they sell barefoot shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they mimic, so they just, they cover for the hygiene and the security, but they're, you can be fully splayed like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on a second. Just hold on a second. Sure. Just hold, just hold on quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is an important message to put out to people. I am unavailable for the next hour and fifteen minutes. Stop texting me. And if you fucking keep messaging me, no one's gonna respond to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Noooo, Gwyneth Paltrow's- Mike is done. Yeah. Yeah, okay, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna get a reply in the next hour and fifteen minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you don't even ha- you don't have to do that. You can do it the next day, you can reply, everyone's like, oh, okay, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay, you can wait. They'll wait, they'll wait, you can wait. You don't have to do this. You don't have to do this at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like any time of, any time you message certain people, it goes so and so has their thing on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Silence. They'll get this message later. And you're like, dude, do it at night. I get it. But why are you doing this throughout the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notification thing. And it's also people that you need, like that you work with, that have fucking these notifications on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so and so doesn't. It's like, well, you should turn it off, cause you fucking have a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, our homegirl has continued to put, um, her, like, videos up of how her day goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for us. Of course. Uhm, are there comments in this thing? Or? I have some comments here. Okay. Oh no, what's a banana split? Yeah. Yeah, very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How beautiful you are to me. I mean, just gorgeous. You're precious. And uh, it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me, you want to go back with your ex boyfriend. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know cause I've been there and I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're trying to find somebody, you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me. I will love you like you've never been loved before. I will cherish you. I will make you feel like a woman. A real woman. And believe me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Little fed smoker in there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good work, guys. It's good job, guys. I am actually incredibly curious to try her coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee experience, yea. I would love that. That would be really cool. That would be very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm talking to the penis enlargement folks. I'm excited to see what I can learn. Seriously? Well, I just want to know what it's like. I just want to know what happens. You know what I'm really curious about? Wow. Well, so when they measure you, how do they know that they're measuring you at your smallest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Like what if you go in there and they're like, okay, so you're five inches long and four inches around and you're like, Hey, easy, easy. This thing gets way smaller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm like fucking, I'm like Marlon Brando. It does everything. So I just want to know if I show up and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know if they follow me to get my physical, they'll be like, is this a toddler? Because it always knows where it's in a doctor's office and it goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't claim, he does. I mean, they have, they have like a lot of... No, no, they don't add length. Just girth. The length is a mystery. Girth, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, they say we cannot add length. Wow. We add girth. And they do it by injecting, just like the same thing that, like, somebody injects into their face. They do this in your pee-pee. But they also are very clear that if you inject it into your head, it's gonna get weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would stay away from that. I think you should definitely leave your balls the way they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much that can go wrong. These are your reproductive organs. They're the actual, they're the real workers. They don't get the same press that your dick gets, but your balls are doing a lot of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the easiest choice you can make? Window instead of middle seat, suggesting your favorite restaurant, outsourcing business tasks you hate,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In person POS system, wherever and whatever you're selling, Shopify's got you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash mom's house, all lowercase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey fight fans, are you ready for the ultimate showdown this weekend at UFC 298 where battles will be fought and champions will be crowned for this fight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, new customers can get nice, no sweat bet up to $1000 if your first bet loses. And DraftKings has got something for the existing customers as well. All customers get SGP insurance every day, get a bonus bet back if one leg


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He may have. Such a child. Who knows? Who knows? He may have. Well, in the actual Twitter feed, you can definitely find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost- Like in Drake's Twitter feed? No, no, no, just like all of Twitter. Like if you go into search component, it's just like, you can't get away from it. Drake was trending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think this wasn't like, this was like just like a shot of, here's me doing this. It wasn't like a full video, it was just like, look at my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing that happens too, is you go, no way, and then you're like, yeah, that's just another person's naked body. Doesn't, like, doesn't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like tomorrow I'll be walking through the house and they'll be like, God's plan, God's plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, why don't we take a quick break, and we'll be back in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your seven foot ten son came over, picked me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to see you perform here in Austin at the Moody and I legitimately was blown away by your show. It was really impressive. I mean, it was, I know you already know that you've been doing it a long time, but I was like, what the fuck, man? I mean, you guys. I thought it was just okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know, I don't even know how you pulled off, like honestly, it really is impressive to see you put on, like it's a big thing for somebody in their 70s to be like, I went to my step class today, you know, to do the tour and like when you're performing up there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like that. Plus you're playing, plus you're singing, plus you're performing, plus you're engaging with people. Yeah, it feels, it seems like it would be incredibly exhausting. It's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very impressive, I have to tell you. Oh, thanks. Yeah, that's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck did you get through, uh, a rock career without ever- I mean, was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't know this about him by the way. A lot of people don't know that. Totally sober. But let's say like, when things were really ramping up at first. When? You know what I mean, when it's starting. It's like, you're a young guy, all the shit's around you. I mean, were people ever really trying to pressure you? All the time. All the time. He's not really tempted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can I just tell you this though, wasn't part of your experience with that, didn't part of you go like, this is what people do all the time? Like when you got high, what was part of your realization later, like this is what people intend to do all the time, feel like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on a second. So all seven donkeys got to- to weird. No, only one. Oh, you pick one!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putkey, do you mind putting on those, uh... Shades? No, no, no, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The older guy's already going, he said effin'. He's like not even saying it. But the five year old's like, hey, what the fuck, idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, this is great. Alright, this is... You don't have a thing? This is a... Brought my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? Yeah, how do you feel? What does it strike you as? I got a woody. Yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you, uh, partly who? Uh, cause my mother is Peruvian. My mother's from Peru. What's your mother's name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, you've, you've, over the course of this incredibly long and successful career with the band, you've replaced people in the band. Is it true that Slash tried to be or, you know, auditioned to be in the band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Richie, I wanna make clear, Richie and Slash both, like, auditioned. Oh yea, they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever have the memory of, like one of those guys, obviously everything works out, but do you ever had the memory of being like, man, that kid was really good, like it impressed you, and then you didn't take them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get a burger. Wait, can I ask you this about the band though? Cause that's good advice you gave him when he tried to join your band. But like, how do you sustain, like how do you not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the actor that's on the hit show is like, I feel like I've, I want to do something else. I'm going to leave the show. You're leaving like this gravy train. Okay, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've always been talked about for your business sense too. What does business sense mean? I'll tell you exactly what it means. There's people who participate in any number of entertainment lanes. I'm glad you said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did the other guys, the other rock guys, ever hit you up about how to do things though? You know what I mean? Like the other, never?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different bands never did? How'd I hit you up with what? Did they hit you up, ask you, like, hey, I see that you're doing this and that. Oh, ask you. Yes. Hit you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to take a second guess at the worst in Texas? No, this was actually, are you ready? This was in Taiwan, Taiwan, Taiwan. Yes, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the guy driving, obviously, it's a manual car, and I don't think he knew what he was doing, and he crashed into him, then you hear the engine rev, because he's just like, continuing to, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He couldn't believe it either. It caused the driver to slam on the brakes and then the cyclist, I think it was a cyclist. Can I see it again? Yea sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this case, in this specific case. But I think F in one and not liking the others are kind of a thing, right? Like your fucking sisters are kind of a thing. Did you have a three way? Technically? Yea. Did you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's one, that part is one. What does she do? Does she put on headphones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you always need two people. It ate her. Yeah. It ate her. It ate her. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this guy is Adam Knowles. He's making a YouTube video about the dangers of Blastback created by the RPG7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he do it again? Uh, no, I think he's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, holy shit, that's not true. If you go to, um, if you go to, uh, Gene Simmons Recording Events dot com, and if you're in Vegas, you can do, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna, by the way, do you wanna tell Gene about your curations?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw Titanic. Yeah, well to clear the pallet, here's another gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not like the Diamond Hill, but it's like, you know. I don't know what, to a Jew that sounds like heaven. It's not super advanced. Diamond Hill. Alright, it's uh, it's intermediate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like freaking out though. Illegally built. Oh, they fought the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for arresting them for building a- Well yea, you can't just build tunnels if you feel like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your favorite memory of being with your dad? It's when we took our pet crab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes a while for some people to figure out to ask for what they really want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so cool. Gene, are you gonna miss the touring now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, so the last show that I saw, which was on this tour, which was, it really was amazing. Like, you feel comfortable being like, that's it, we're done, there's no more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me? Oh, uh, I think I knew I wanted to, I think I knew I wanted to perform in some way, uh, probably when I was like 10, 11, yea, like 10 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you jump up on the coffee table and you... I just liked, I liked, I wasn't so, I wasn't like class clown. I was more like lay back and then I would just, you know, throw out comments and sometimes everybody would laugh and that would just, that would just like a real drug. Yea. You got beat up a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot. Well, I got, I got beat up in fifth grade when first day at a new school by three guys. Um, and that was kind of the last time though that I got beat up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. But if she just fucking doesn't know when to knock it off. Uh, no, I haven't like, like what you just, like a right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, honestly, a lot, like a lot of chicks could use a, uh, a shot to the grill, you know? Like, I think anybody- Are you Sean Connery?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Konbanwa. Oh, good evening. Tom des, dozo i rosku.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene Simmons gave me ten dollars and I'm keeping it by the way. He's trying to find a picture of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome dude. That's crazy, your life has been an insane, uhm, continued success in all the things you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, okay. No, I'm pretty sure I took care of it. I took care of it. I owe you some money. I owe you some money. Alright, Common, take us out. Thank you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bye! McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay a fish. McDonald's. Chicken nuggets. McDonald's. Fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two armed men trying to break into an apartment in Dallas got quite a surprise after the man inside started shooting at them. The man says when he answered his doorbell camera, the suspects told him they were there to check the filter on his air conditioner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm feelin' that. Look here. Y'all miss that ball? Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But guess what? I'm coming at your fat ass! Oh yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't matter if you got a big booty or a flat booty. I'm coming to get that booty. And look, I want to lick them drawers. Ay-ya-ya!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want your feet too. You understand? Yeah, look. I wanna dig in your booty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And honestly, I'm looking for that once in a lifetime, that Willy Wonka Golden Ticket type of love. So if you think that could be you, and we can make magic together, maybe I could be your Dr. Love. Let me know, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a girlfriend and a boyfriend, a husband in a way, and not a partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have, they wanna, remember when they were begging for civil rights?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we gave them civil rights, right? They wanted to integrate the schools. Remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are amazing. Amazing. Breaking news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up on a plantation in Alabama, you know about that? You grew up on a plantation and you still have this mentality? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called free mentality. It's called master. When my master said he sent, I said yes master, we sent. That's a wild, this is a wild.


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[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by Saatva. Go to saatva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to you? You're just finally home and so relaxed?


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[Assistant] Oh man, that stuff's the best. That stuff really works. It really works. I woke up with my mouth wide open. Was I ripping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was going to say that all this training that you did in your twenties is now paying off because I feel like you can take the sleep deprivation and the time zone changes because you've been trained as an ABC.


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[Assistant] The guests are amazing, but even more so, I found some incredible talks that I'm just chomping at the bit to share.


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[Assistant] Because it's true, once you have kids and your pussy's torn up and you're tired and mangled and that progesterone drops and perimenopause sets it, like you're not juiced up. I was way better in my twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this guy is super cool and he's been there for eight years. Prison? Yeah.


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[Assistant] You know, I don't agree with a lot of what Putin does in Russia. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, I don't know if you've heard, but Russia has been, um, killing...


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[Assistant] Either you be lenient and you try to understand it and educate them, but you can't. You should just cut their nuts off. I think that's the better solution here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I think it kind of would work.


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[Assistant] Yeah, wingnut, you know what I, I also saw on this woman's TikTok, she's like, if you're going to prison, you need to cultivate a skill. You need to bring your skill set to prison. And she lists drawing as one of those. So if you can do hair, for instance, or give manicures, but drawing, that's pretty an elite skill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would, I would hook up with the most powerful woman on the block, but then I'd have to eat her box. But the good news is her pussy tastes sweeter if she's older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine too, I've also in this prison talk, I've learned that like showers aren't a leisurely activity. Like you get in, you get out. So nobody's really smelling great. Their boxes are probably really ripe, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't that already a given? If you're perusing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's even got a line, he's like, other people's trash is my treasure. Like, he's been rolling this line for a minute. Now, here's what I like about Mundo. Now I'm convinced he's the one for me. Because he's so... Jesus.


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[Assistant] That was really loud. Liquid death. Uhm, I lost my train of thought. That was such a loud open.


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[Assistant] An accepting of my flaws? Like, I'm already down.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, I do think that an inmate is an ideal partner. Now, hear me out. A lot of women will be like, what? He's damn, yeah, but he's just thinking about you girl all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and like the other five hoes that he's got on rotation. That's cool. Like he's just in there writing me letters, thinking about me, Jane is dating me. Like it's the ultimate devotion that I require.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and the, and I like to, so there's two approaches. There's the one that's like straight up, like, hit me up, I wanna tap that ass, or Clark, who's like, let's just be pimpos, let's just see where it goes, I just wanna get to know you, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to vibe. Yea, it's an emotional connection. He's like, that's what women like though.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's so fucking nutty. Yeah, I like that he admits that he's, like, made mistakes and shit. Cause yeah, I like that. He's got a neck tattoo, very aggressive, a lot of tats. Yep. I like it. I like these damaged guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what was the breaking point where you decided to get serious?


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[Assistant] When Tom and I, the first pregnancy, remember when we would order dessert for breakfast? Always. We would order like three or four entrees.


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[Assistant] It's the best cause you can be a total slob and a pig and nobody, I don't actually like eating in front of other people.


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[Assistant] What's public versus private meal? Like give us an example. Let's say the Waffle House. You go there.


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[Assistant] No, but then how do they play like, I'm just like this sweet guy? Is that denial?


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[Assistant] Okay, so he gets into fights. He likes, this guy likes to fight.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna go with sexual assault, for some reason they censored guys.


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[Assistant] See, here's my problem with Clark, is that so far he's super articulate, he's got a pretty great sense of humor.


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[Assistant] He likes nature, dirt biking, lyrics to songs and metal. So like, he's pretty introspective.


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[Assistant] So the dark side of his force has to be pretty intense, cause Tom was saying that he's got his crazy charges.


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[Assistant] Gosh, he's kind of a goofball, cause he's like, nah, I'm just playing. So he's not, he's not a convicted murderer.


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[Assistant] It's hot, dude. Rodney's hot. I hate to say it.


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[Assistant] And I also like how he's got one hand up on the phone. He's like, girl, it's a secret. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna tell you some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he beat the fuck out of people. Yeaah. Uhm. The squirt line, does that work on women? I think. Someone's gotta be like, fuck yeaah, I love squirting.


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[Assistant] Take the money, I'm done. Of course. Two million.


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[Assistant] Disappear. But you could disappear in Colombia.


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[Assistant] How about I just be like, dude, don't pay me, I will shut the fuck up and disappear from your life.


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[Assistant] Dude, this guy is fucking toast vanilla. Like, no dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we, no bro, this one we had from 1980, we shipped it to Budapest, kept it in an outdoor garage that during the snow and the weather and everything. And that thing ran until like the late nineties. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Cause like, it's hard to come by cars in a post-communist country too. You can't really just like, bye.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's not like it is here. I mean, back then, shit, I'm sure now it's different, but...


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[Assistant] But in terms of injuries on these videos, this is probably the one you want to get. It just snaps clean off like you said. You probably don't even feel that should happen.


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[Assistant] I don't think going out on a date made you a slut, but having sex with different men made you a slut.


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[Assistant] And so, have you been with men? Of course. Like sexually? Yes. Really?


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[Assistant] What do you, what do you people want?


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[Assistant] We had, they wanted, remember when they were begging for civil rights? They were begging for civil rights.


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[Assistant] It's called free mentality. It's called master. When my master say he sit, I say yes master, we sit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I was playing. I'm just the real one looking for a pin pal to keep me company. Maybe catch a vibe with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I was playing. I'm gonna have a little one for a pin pal to keep me company. Maybe catch a vibe with. I'm real now cause I got tattoos and I'm locked up. I'm real because I'm honest, loyal, dependable. I made mistakes, I've had setbacks, but I learned from all of them. So now I get out, I'm ready to just settle down and have a good life. If you're feeling my vibe, Jay paid me already. I'm a rare breed. Hope to hear from you soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, bro, I'm on record for a moment. What is this place anyways? What is this place?


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[Assistant] Why are they wasting government time on cameras, brother?


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[Assistant] If I spark your interest, I'd really like to hear from you. I hope that you have a nice day and hopefully we chat soon. Alright, peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, that's not a good sign. Yeah, I know. You shouldn't be asking to increase that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been to like 36 countries. Uhm, I had that homemade beer we just saw. Stop. In Nigeria? It was in Ghana and then in South Africa. Ghana. Yeah. Ghana's beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's okay. Yeah, but like South Africa, I was staying in a township. You did? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, uhm. Were they happy to have you? Yeah, they were actually. Yeah? Yeah, they showed me around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, usually I would stay kind of like out where most people would not go to in terms of like, you know, where tourists would go. Just for the thrill? For the thrill and, and just cause I liked staying with more local people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went hitchhiking in Italy. Stayed out in like the hills of Tuscany. You hitchhiked? Yeah. What made you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was walking around and uhm, uhm, this like Italian couple told me to walk down this road and there would be a, uh, somewhere down there was like a camping village, but then I was walking for like,