[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think that most, cause the thing is that most men, most men just go, I don't know. Yeah. Like that's like, if you go, you wanna do something this weekend, most guys just go like, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is like the other side of why women are so attracted to, you know, they find it so appealing when a guy's like, I have plans. I don't know why most men just go like, whatever you want to do is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're talking about, are you, do you do the thing because people go like, I'm into relationships or I don't want to relate, right? I don't really get into that. You don't get that far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I got one, one time I pulled it up, and I was, I mean, I don't have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, in Florida it was easy because we lived on the inner coastal and there was a couple places where people would go and like basically river fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one time I, you know, it was, there was a lot of catch release. A couple of times there were people that would keep it. I wasn't keeping it. I did deep sea fishing too and that's like definitely to eat that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's different. Yeah, but we're in the river and I pull up, I forget what I pull up, but it's, and then they're like, you know, grouper. I don't remember. Trial baby. I tried, I couldn't get the hook out and the thing's like flailing and it's just so far in there. It's that a lot of times the hook goes in here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who doesn't want to do that? Yeah. You know, the thing I think is most important about probably about dating videos or like profiles is being honest about what you're into. Like you got to share what you're really into, you know, like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he commenting on? So, somebody had sent him, uh, a video of them, like, taking a shit, and that's what he likes. He likes, uh. Hearing it. Yeah, he likes hearing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he likes, he's blind, so he likes to hear it without any other, like don't laugh, don't talk, and then, but then he wants you to follow up and tell him like, where it was, what you ate, what led to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also likes ham radio and aviation. He's into aviation too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I, I do think that like if this guy's were going after dates, it's great to just lead with who you really are, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's always asking for dudes to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never makes it sexual, at least not yet. We haven't once heard him say, he's just been like, I like the way it sounds, and you know. Yea, he's an enthusiast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When do you, uh, when you're on a date, when do you reveal what you're really into? Cause everyone's on their best behavior on a date, usually, right? Yea. Do you, how long do you hold back? Into what though? I wanna like, you know, put your head through the wall and pull your hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I'm saying though, but this is a long time ago. I'm saying now it's different when you're dating when you're like 25. I'll tell you this. So do people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she also, she also led with, it's the girl of your dreams. So if you're really, embracing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you learn that, like, you learn over time that like, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same way that like some people go, my, my expression of love is affection. Some people are just like, that's nice. You know, they don't, they don't. Words of affirmation. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? You want some good advice? Yeah. For the next girl you date? Yeah. This is fucking tight. Listen to this. Oh, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's real fucked up. Then he's like shakes his head. I just taught you how to do it. Yeah. No kid. Yeah. I think you should, I think, I mean, that could really work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the thing I saw on, like, where the, that one's a little quicker though. That's where, like, you, you meet a girl at the bar or something, and you're like, oh, yeaah, you probably look better with, with longer hair. Like, right away, and the girl's like, oh, you, you just try to make her feel insecure? Yeaah. And then they're like, it works, do it. Oh my god. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jesus. Well, here's a good palate cleanser. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want them to go like, we gotta put you back out again. I'm like, do it, do it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Attractive kids hold them. This one's not gonna spell so well. You wanna keep it and you're like, nah, throw it in the trash. So, where, how did you tell her you're, you tell her your Achilles? Play it. That's a gnarly pattern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How old is your son? Nine. He's doing a 5k. That's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when this, say, when I was in the hospital with this, Doc was like, hey, uh, so I could put you in a cast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, so what should I do? He goes, what are you fucking crazy? Operate. I go, why are you even asking me then? Yeah. I don't know, I gotta give you the option. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you, can you hit the site? Can you actually, that, that, there, yeaah, yeaah, let's see. Ah man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like to support the marginalized people out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she basically left acting, essentially. I mean, maybe she still does some, but took, you know, started this company and it's become a huge success, Coop. And, and she's like this wellness, she's like a wellness brand now. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she's starving. I think that she's probably been like this for actually probably a pretty long time. Yeah. And she's just used to not consuming much. She's little. She doesn't have to eat that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normal people eat crazy small portions. That's what you realize when you've eaten like a real dude for years. You know, you eat with somebody who's like, like, who's weighs like 160 naturally and they're just like a couple bites like I'm good. And you're like, are you really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you need to like immediately address it. You need to start the removal of like, she needs to start removing where they, where it starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we gotta get, we gotta get follow up on this. There's gotta be more to this story. It's too good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go back here. I want to reiterate that the artist is not at fault. I'm simply showing this to demonstrate what I was talking about. I wanted a full blackout so the draws...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The drawn on was simply to trace my jaw and see how I liked the line. I knew the blackout would be more drastic and that's what I was wanting. I'm just learning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New curves of my face is all and was seeing if anyone knew of any tricks to make the use


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what she got is not what she was looking for. No. So, but wait a minute, I'm confused by this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but what she got... Okay, what's that second one? What does this one say? Cause we didn't play...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, baby, she fucked you up. Yeah, press pause. She fucked you up. So, because here's what's in the, in that final one where she goes, huge difference. What she's showing in that is what she used to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what she actually got, and the difference is dramatic. The difference is like, it's a cool, it's like this is on my neck, and now it's on her face. That's the difference. Yeaah, it's below the jaw, or on the jaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot keep that and think that your confidence is enough to get through with it. They didn't give you what you wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people, you know, I'm not saying that people should uhm, you know, but you need to accept that the artist failed you. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you did in front of your mom, I applaud that. My mom would drop dead. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. Yeah, he's doing his wrestling bit. That's Macho Man, right? Yeah, I'm coming for ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna get there because I'll be jabbing that shit in my ass for the next fucking 35 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today's the day, by the way, let me remind people, Jay Larson's news special sounds like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is available right now. It's on the YouTubes. It's on your channel. Yep. Jay Larson Comedy. Uhm, people should know that you've been, you've been putting out all these sketches and like shorts and all these things. Are those also on your channel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it, review it, but also share it. If you have a good time watching it, send it to your friends, send it, put it in an email link, post it on TikTok, on Instagram, on Twitter, share that thing. That's how these things get out there. All right? Thank you guys for watching. Thanks for listening. See ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wasn't familiar, I'm like, I looked at it and I couldn't, it looks like a legit film, but I'm like, what is this? I don't, I don't know anything. Cause I have another movie called The Machine in my collection that's not this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's insane. I told them what I wanted and then they're like, yeah, we're making it. And then yeah, it was like almost six grand. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did that for, I did that until I moved to New York and then I would be doing like seller spots in the summer and you'd be running around the block and it would be so hot. And I started wearing a t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, thanks man. Like, yeah, it's, it's wild. Like, I started, I, when I started comedy, I watched the, that Seinfeld documentary, Comedian, and it would be Seinfeld and Colin Quinn like hanging out in New York. I was like, I got to do it. But Vancouver is so far. There's so many shitty gigs in between.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vancouver and New York City. Uhm, but yeaah, and then you gotta get like visas and green card and all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, I, I, yeah, I guess. I, I just, yeah, I just kept trying. Like I would do all these gigs in Canada trying to get, you know, letters to get the green card and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thanks. Yeah. Um, yeah, we met each other so long ago that I remember one of the last conversations we had or a conversation we had that mixes, you were talking about trying to get into the improvs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a long, yeah, that's a long ago. I remember we were standing in the lobby and you were talking about like trying to get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and uh, and I was about to do Craig Ferguson for the first time and I was freaking out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you put me in touch with Ryan because Ryan had just done Greg Ferguson. We call, yeaah, so it was really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, it's weird, thank you for saying that. I don't think people realize what a pain in the a- like, so you're like six years into comedy, I saved up all my money, then you gotta get a lawyer, then you get like work papers and they last for three years, then you gotta get more work papers, then you gotta like roll the dice with a green card. Yeaah, it's, it was uhm, yeaah, I've had a lot of roommates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like, I remember when I first moved to New York, and I had done like a couple things on American television and stuff like that, and I remember I had one name, I knew Rory Scoville and Vince Averill were the only two dudes I knew, and someone recommended me to this like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically an open mic, but they told me it was a show. I go down, there's five people in like some like basement in the East Village.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, fuck, this is going to be brutal. This would be probably just after we met, like probably maybe like 2010 or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like I've been in New York around 10 years now. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It was long. Yeah. Wow. So you're like a New York. Do you love New York? I do. Yeah. I do love New York. Um, yeah. Yeah. I love New York. I wish it was close. It's so far from Vancouver. Like it's so far from my family, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's great. I had great memories dude. That club's not there anymore though, which is a bummer. Such a bummer. I know, it was one of the best clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, you know, the last time I think I saw you was I was headlining the mix. It was years after that and you were there. There was like one UFC event in Vancouver and you were there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I remember there was a dude, there was like some weird, there was like a crazy guy in the front. It was, uh, he went on, I was like, yeah, I'll go before, uh, Joe Rogan, please. And so he, he, he closed the show and there was insane guy in the front and he like was arguing with, uh, Rogan and then like motion that he was gonna like head bottom or something like that. And then the doorman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dragged him out. Do you remember this at all? As he was picking the guy up out of his seat, the guy grabbed the table, so all the bottles flew and all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like we hung out afterwards, it's like an hour and a half later, I'm like leaving to go home, walk back to my parents place. I'm walking up the stairs and I see the guy and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can tell my new rule is if you heckle me before the mic comes out of the stand, you're gone. Cause you're going to be a nightmare. I've learned that over the years and I did that two weeks ago. I was in San Diego and I walked on stage. I didn't take the mic out and a guy yells, lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not, he's a nice guy, whatever, he's not in a place where he can sit and watch comedy. So then this is not for him tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I'm actually, I read your book, Tom, it was great. Thank you. Yeah, it was really, and, but you got to write essays. I wanted to write a book of essays and then we kind of sold it and stuff. And then they said, yeah, it's going to be in my mind. I'm like, oh boy. But, uh, yeah, it's about dyslexia. So it's, I'm dyslexic. So it's, yeah, it's a, quite an endeavor, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a, it's the positive, like if I wasn't dyslexic, I wouldn't be here talking to you guys. I wouldn't be doing comedy. So it's the positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first couple chapters while I'm in school is a little grim, but then it's a very, it's a positive outlook on like, I'm basically grateful to be dyslexic because I wouldn't have the life that I have now if it wasn't for dyslexia. Why do you say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because uhm, I just think that if I wasn't dyslexic, I would have done what all my friends did. I would have gone through high school. I would have, a lot of them went to the same college in Canada. And then I would have, you know, I'm from a really small, I'm basically from Windsor only on the other side. It's called Oshawa. It's like a mini kind of Detroit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeah, I just think I would have, I just would have done a regular route. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to like, cause I, they went to, they went to college and then I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Applied for a job at the convenience store across from my high school, which would have proved all the teachers right when they were like, yeah, you're really not going to do anything. And then I ended up, I moved to Europe. I, they went to college. I moved to Europe and I'm, I don't know if I modeled in Europe for like four years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I was really embarrassed, like, there was a time...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I lived in Milan. You're supposed to live in Milan when you start. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing on, there's no, uh, modeling pictures, but I can show you, I can send you one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's stand up acting. Yeah, but that's pretty close to your model days. That's my first comedy special I did in Canada way too soon. I shouldn't have done it, but it's kind of a Rick Springfield thing I got going on. I got that sweater vest you like. I told you, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I know, I knew nothing and I knew the only reason I was there was because I couldn't fucking read. And my parents were just like, they were worried I was going to stay in my hometown. So they're like, yeah, that sounds great, dear, go to Europe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And through her, I met people that were like, oh, you should model. And I really had nothing else going on. So I was like, okay. So they, the first thing you do is you go to Milan for like the fashion shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went and it was like, heroin chic was a thing, but it hadn't really caught on fully. So I was like the only skinny dude with long hair in Italy. Everyone's all buff? Everyone's buff. And I would go on these castings and the clothes were too big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just looked like it was like I was surrounded by everyone I didn't like in high school. And we know you live in like a modeling like residence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go to these editions, you walk around for like 13 hours a day, like showing your book and these like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Valentino looks at your book and is like, thank you, type thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, we got, you would get money, but there would be some jobs, uh, like smaller, like up and coming designers would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, yeah, I did like, so the first year, everything didn't fit. I was like super bombed. All the other guys actually looked like models, like were like ripped. And, uh, and then I booked Armani.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and it was like, I remember coming to my agency and my, my, the agent who kinda booked me just because he, it felt like he heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like this was the new trend or whatever, but he so was more attracted to the, he was like a gay dude. He was way more, he's like measuring the other guys and stuff like that with me. He'd just be like, ah, Bella and nothing. So I booked Armani and I'm like the toast of the agency in the morning. I go to Armani, I get there, the clo- I'm like, I'm like, couldn't read, terrible at sports. This was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Felt like, okay, I finally found something that I could do. I get to Armani, it's the day before the show. You go in, it's like his compound, it's like all marble and beautiful and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go put on the clothes. The clothes were so fucking big. It's like when you're a kid and you're trying your dad's suit jacket. Dude, I was like horrified. So I'm backstage, they have like a dresser for you. She's like this fashion student. I could see like her pupils are huge. She's like never seen this before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First outfit, gray suit, mesh tank top. It's like hanging down, like it looks so comical, the sunglasses felt big. They send me out to walk down the runway and I turned down and it's Armani and all his like assistants and stuff. There's like 12 people and I know I'm like holding my pants up. I know this is not going to fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They start laughing as I'm walking down. I'm standing there. They're like telling jokes in Italian. I'm like, oh, this is the worst. I go backstage. I'm like, they're just going to send me home and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go outfit 2. The woman in the dresser goes outfit 2. I had to do that 6 times. All the shit. Did nothing fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they fired me. I was so bummed. Yeah. It's not your fucking fault. No, it's not my- well, I kinda lied about my sizes on my composite car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I, I like was so embarrassed the whole time. Like even when I, I was like working or doing like big shows, like I did like Armani and Dolce & Gabbana, like I did do big shows, but uhm, I was like, this is weird. Like I didn't, I wasn't super comfortable. Like I went from like swimming with a t-shirt on at a pool party to being a model. Like I was not,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comfortable. And, but then I would meet all these people like designers and photographers. You'd meet a photographer. He's like, yeah, I got my first camera when I was five. This has been my dream my whole life to shoot fashion. And I was like, fuck, I want to do something that I, you know, am like passionate about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I booked a commercial. I booked this like Pontiac commercial and like Sylvester Stallone was like the voice and it paid well. It was like a big ad and I got that money. I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to run with this dough. So, uh, I moved home after that. I booked like a big job and then moved home and then started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, there was a brief period and I, I just fit it that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, no, like generally, like models would date like musicians and like athletes and stuff. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I guess there was a, I had a couple, uh, fun evenings, but like nothing insane. I lived in, like, so you're supposed to either live in Milan or Paris and I loved London, so I lived in London and just kinda, all my friends weren't fashion people. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what happened? I took an improv class after that commercial and I got the first time I made the class laugh. It was in this like weird British church basement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got made the class laugh and I was like, holy fuck, this feels like just like making my friends laugh. Did you have that moment where you're like, this feels the same as making my friends or my family laugh at the dinner table or whatever? Yes. I had no, I thought making people laugh only felt good if you knew them, but it feels good if they're, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No and it feels empowering because like when I started it wasn't a thing and you just sit and you hope that some booker from a festival likes you. It's the worst. Yeah and if they don't have the same taste in your comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, 100%. Yeah, 100%. And so it does feel empowering to, to, uh, yeah, to be able to just do it and put it up yourself. And then no, you're not like working on an hour thing. God, I hope someone buys this. You're like, well, I'll just do it again then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's no laughter in that clip. That should be a sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the hell, dude? It's insane. Like, I've always been so, probably, maybe even too concerned. Like, when I, someone offered to vote for me at The Cellar, I waited a full year. I was like, I wanna be in New York City for a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always, I always wait and wait. And it's the same with like comics. Like I'll say that to people if they're like, yeah, I didn't get picked for JFL this year. I'm like, that's amazing because work your ass off and then get picked. You'll get picked next year and your act will be so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you do like those competitions or the showcase and you pull a bullet and everyone's like taking their coats off. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you fuck that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would like to think that they know enough about comedy to be like, oh, he's great, the crowd's funky, but I never give them...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I was submitting a tape to late night and they okayed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyone who has been in the business for like six months would know what's going on. And then the note was yeaah, it didn't sound like he was doing that well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, for me, and dyslexia, like they say dyslexia and it affects people very differently, but for me, I can't identify a symbol with a sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I couldn't read, like I know your last name, but there's no way if I hadn't heard it out loud a bunch of times, there's no way I could read it. Like, last names I can't read, street names I generally can't read, because they're just words I've never seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I would have memorized most of the words in the article, but if, but if there's a word that I've never seen before, so I can read words that I've memorized and then compound words, so words that are made up of two, like I, if the street, if it was Greenwood Street, I could read that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if it was like, whatever street we're on now, I've never seen that word. So I wouldn't be able to read it. No, I would just, it would almost be like drawing. Today for me to get the Uber here, I had to take right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right down your address, then like, draw it, like, spell it out. Really? Yeaah. So, yeaah, it's tough, but, and dyslexia also affects like, the more I'm learning about it, that like, it affects like organization, which it, like I struggle with. It, it affects a lot. It can affect eye-hand coordination. It can affect like depth perception. It can affect a lot of things, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were looking, I was at home, I was like looking at my testing with my mom. And like I excelled in math, I was like reading at like a non-existent level. But my math was like a few grades ahead. But because I was dyslexic, they just put me in basic everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, like, yeah, it was, school was miserable. Terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's, it's, yeaah, like, uh, Richard Branson, Albert Einstein, uh, Edison, Tommy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a big grateful dead fan of Bob Weir. One of the members of the dead is dyslexic. And so when you watch him play guitar, it's like, wow, yeah, that is really, that's dyslexia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea, but I did see pictures of them when they were in the playoffs. Yeaah, there's that famous picture of Bobby, uh, yeaah, on, on, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the court. Yeah, so when I found out he was, cause I've been a dead fan since I was a kid, when I found out he was dyslexic, it was just, cause they'd always be like, Tom Cruise is dyslexic. And I'm like, oh, so I'm going to be in fucking Top Gun. Like what does that mean to a kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's zero, you know what I mean? But uhm, yeaah, but yeaah, it's a special uhm, we excel in different things, but school is not for us. The way it's designed is 100% not for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they would do that thing where like, so I would be in special ed and then they would let you go to like other classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking horrible. Horrible. Okay, so we're going to read from page 10 to 20 and then talk about it. So I would just sit and I would pick like a medium, not like the smartest kid, but like kind of mid level. And when he would turn the page, I would turn the page and then they'd be like, let's talk about it. And I didn't know this. I didn't get any info from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then you gotta like, try to like, shoot the shit about it. It was insane. Crazy. Yeah. It's brutal.


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[Assistant] I mean, uh, I don't know, I'm not sure, I think like now it's really changed where people are actually going like, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll get to the point where like companies are like looking for a dyslexic to like head a team. Because we were good at like big picture stuff. It's the details that like we struggle with and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we read, a dyslexic reads, when you guys read it's like the front of your brain. That's where like all this goes. For us it's the back of our brain. It's like a whole different thing. We have a whole different brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which, which makes sense, but there's like, uhm, it's hard because there, there, I have tried to read like kind of like scientific type books about it. It's, it's tough for me, but there were, there were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made to feel stupid, which there's no way you're not going to be made to feel stupid for the first like from 5 to 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it's hard to get out there unscathed and be like, yeah, I'm going to apply my special brain to something else because you're self-esteem. So it's for dyslexic parents, for parents of a kid, it's just maintaining self-esteem. And I don't know how my parents did that, but they somehow did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like 5 years and not knowing what was going down and then around 10 they identified me as dyslexic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they really didn't do much. Like they, they, my first, grade five was the first time they put me in special ed. And we,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will blow someone's mind if I- in my act, I always have to do it the American way. And because I'm dyslexic, I can't differentiate the different two ways right now, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also if you hate that one person telling jokes so much, comedy's probably not for you. Like it's not your thing. You know what I mean? Like if it's that triggering, he's joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Etel, you'll see, like, Etel will be at the cellar, you'll watch him, you'll be like, that's the greatest thing, that he's, the, no one's gonna be better, funnier, quicker, that's the best, and then, and then, you know, you'll be like, oh that was great, and you'll be like, uh, you know, like, you tell him he was not, like, over the moon with the set or whatever, you're just like, how is that possible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had not seen that clip. How damaged was he after that? I think he's got some real problems now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so did you think someone says, hey man, you're on this like, you're like on this podcast now. Is that how he, and then reaches out to you? How does he find out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of fun and he's got a flair for decor too man, I like that unicorn in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he, uh, I, uh, can appreciate how shameless he expresses his sexual urges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think it'll help with getting pissed on him. I think, yeaah. He's gonna be dry as long as he's got six phones. I think so too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, I lived up there, it's, it's serious. Uh, East Harlem is, uh, it's, it's like the only neighborhood that's not gentrified whatsoever. Like it has not changed at all. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, yeaah, so I, we, we were like practically neighbors. Holy shit. Yeaah. 8 blocks from him. Yeaah. Yeaah, 8 blocks. Yeaah, I lived on 116th. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not like that drummed up votes. Why would he even go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they, like, we, cause you wouldn't, the Canadian equivalent to Ted Cruz, Americans wouldn't know, but we watch, again, we watch American news, we watch, so yeah, we know all those dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, totally. I, I don't follow, okay, Canadian politics are not as, uh, exciting as American politics. I don't really follow, uh, Canadian politics, but yeah, I remember when he came out and he had like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, yeah, he, I guess he's not. People talk, I don't know a ton, I don't know why people dislike him so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't this nice casino? Yeah, it's famous for strip bars, casinos and like American, like drunk teenager Americans that can't drink in America yet, but can drink at 19 and Windsor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I love Halifax. Yeah, Halifax is really cool. The whole, like, east, that whole, like, the maritime provinces are cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all fish. Yeah, like fish and stuff. But Halifax, that whole area, that's it. Halifax is a big party town though. People get, people get loaded and yeah, and it's a big fighting town too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Halifax is beautiful for sure, and it's a good comedy town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's, yeaah, if you, Phil, yeaah, if you put Phil Hanley, ooh la la, you'll get it. You'll get it. My, my YouTube channel's not, doesn't have like the little thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a new, probably, I'll probably finish it in the next like six months and then it'll come out a year after that. Amazing. Well I look forward to reading it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the mattress that I have been sleeping on now for over a decade. Not the same one. I've actually rotated because I wanted to try their full line of mattresses out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I actually have never been disappointed. I've slept on all of them. The luxury firm mattress,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The memory foam mattress from Lumenleaf, their other line. And I've also slept on the Solair, the one that has a zero gravity setting, a vibration setting, the head and the feet move. It's all incredible. I'm a big, big fan of all of it. And you can get one, and you can do away with that dog bed that you've been sleeping on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can actually have them do mattress takeaway service, which is what you want to do. You don't want to leave your old mattress in your front yard. That's what a not so put together person does. You ask them to take it away for you and they'll do it.


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[Assistant] Uh, welcome back. I am, I am well. How are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so are you any better than when you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MGM put on a great event, we had a great time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a, we did an audio only bonus episode. It's available everywhere. You can listen to podcasts of two bears. So it's an added episode audio only that we did at the MGM and it was Bert and I, um, on, it was on St. Patrick's day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like noon, I think, noon or one. And it was this cool, like little room they gave us of like 150 hardcore...


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[Assistant] We went overtime and we just had the best, we had the best time. Yeah, we had the best time doing it. So you can listen to that if you want to listen to that audio episode and thank you MGM Grand for doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a really good time and we laughed a lot that day. We laughed a lot. It was really, really fun. Really fun. And uhm, yeaah, the cool thing is about, you know if you're an addict, you uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're looking for other people to do your addiction with you. So I've never heard any talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She hit me up and goes, this is the week prior, she goes, and you know what, I thought it back to, remember when Chad Dang was on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was thinking about that. I was really thinking about that. So I'm on FaceTime.


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[Assistant] We're like, hello, and she's showing her sister, blah, blah, blah, how's it going? No, we're having a great time. She goes, next week, you're gonna be in Las Vegas. Uhm, can I come to Vegas? And I was like, yeah, I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like an hour later, she just sends me a still image of Las Vegas and she goes, so what's the answer here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just don't answer. I just ignore it completely. And then the next day, she just goes back to, oh, so how's everything going? So like bait it, like fish, fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jury duty, you know, you're foreclosing on your, you throw that shit in the trash, and guess what? Goes away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lose my mind. This might be my favorite thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn that volume up. Let me hear you unzip and unbuckle your pants. Wow. You know, he wants to hear like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know what I mean? Like, he wants to hear that whole zzzz and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I wonder if you'd be upset if it was a messy, like, I wonder if he just wants like a healthy log or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Family member has gone to her home to check on her after she failed to pick up her three kids from school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Filled up and riddled with bullets means that it's not one or two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, uh, for doing such a great job. And David Walter, the, uh, the weatherman who flew down to Austin, Texas. You guys, if you haven't seen it, it's on the YMH YouTube channel. It came out a few weeks ago. Uhm, and the guy, so the video is called Air Segura versus Rain Man. Uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really good title. It's very funny. Uhm, and it is a documentary, better than the last dance, if you've seen that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta say, I give so much credit for today, but we've talked about it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To Pompeii Warriors, which, you know, helps combat that disease. And so it brought a lot of attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, they reached out, they've, they've, you know, have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're very thankful that the game brought attention to that charity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That have not seen it, uhm, we're gonna play it for you now. This is David Wolter's apology video because he lost our 1 on 1 game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I win, you have to post an apology video that I approve of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was awesome, uhm, big fan. And then, here's the thing, the craziest update of all, this all started with me shitting on Eerie, and he was like, you know, that's where I live, but he's leaving Eerie, uhm, he just took a new job as the meteorologist in Bowling Green, Kentucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean it's a, I mean it's definitely a step up from Erie, I mean it's probably, it's a mid, it's a mid-major market I guess it would be called, right? A mid-size, small-size, I don't know. Great. Not bolding, Jesus. Bolding green. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2023 is already well underway so don't wait any longer to level up your small business and set your year up for success. Get ahead of the competition by using Stamps.com to mail and ship. Stamps.com lets you print your own postage and shipping labels right from your home or office. It's ready to go in minutes so you can get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to running your business sooner. Postage rates just increased again. Luckily, Stamps.com has the best discounts in the industry with rates you literally can't find anywhere else. Like up to 84% off, USPS and UPS plus Stamps.com automatically tells you your cheapest and fastest shipping rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set your business up for success when you get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. There are no long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine, Christine had this idea for people that don't know a while ago, you know, about lipstick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine goes, I really want, you know, I believe in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people that don't know, this is not, this is not just, you know, hyperbole. This is far and away. Far and away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so what I'm saying is that the only reason that it's doing that well is because people really are responding to it. They really do like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we've had to reorder enormous orders of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to South America, right? I go to South America.


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[Assistant] So as you know, I have to give you kind of the backstory to lay this out correctly first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as many people know is that I'm not telling you anything new here, but just to lay this out. I grew up in a household.


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[Assistant] With one foreign parent and one American parent. And the reason I point that out, the reason I make that distinction,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is because it really does make a difference than when you grow up in a house with let's say two, two Spanish speaking or two foreign speaking parents. The one means that I'm actually very much


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ingrossed and immersed in American culture. Most of my friends growing up in school are pretty much from American households. And I would meet kids like myself who had like one foreign parent. And I heard a lot of Spanish growing up.


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[Assistant] Because by that time, like I said, I spent a lot of time in my summers in South America. And when I went to the University of Madrid, I actually, I didn't go to like a class for American kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to full like class with Spaniards. Oh my god. Did you do okay? Yea. Did you follow? I did comparative economics, Spanish art, I did like real classes, term papers. I lived with a lady who like the host lady was like this 70 year old lady who spoke zero English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's full, full immersion, you know. So when I came back from that, that was six, seven months. I would say it's probably the best Spanish I've spoken. I was 21 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I took for granted, and people even who are born in other countries, so it's their native language and move, is that their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their primary language will deteriorate. You know what I mean? Like, like I remember, I know a guy who was born in Hong Kong and he moved to the States 40 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I really enjoyed the fact that, one thing, if you wanna like, see how, how this actually can work, watch, just for like 30 seconds, Tom Cigarro en Espanol, episode 1, and then the last one that I just did with my mom, and you'll see a guy, same guy, probably two years apart, speaking wildly different levels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it made me kind of, that's why I started doing sets in Spanish. So I pushed myself to do it. I started hanging out with Spanish speaking people more. I started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interacting with my cousins more. I just like, started watching movies and TV shows. I was bothered that it had deteriorated so much. And it has improved immensely in two years. It's not perfect by any means, but it's improved quite a bit in the last couple years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then we booked this tour. We're like, all right, go do these shows. I go do these shows down in South America. And like I said, it, I've, I've become much more comfortable with my level of Spanish in the last, let's say year. I go down there and like, you know, I'm, I'm, I just take my tour manager, I book local openers and, um, we have a driver, we have security.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we get there and it's like we're in Argentina and it's awesome. I, I fucking loved it down there. I absolutely loved it. I hadn't been there in 20 years. I had such a good time. So, you know, from the moment I land, it's like the guy at the airport, the driver to the hotel, checking into the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going to lunch, talking, all the conversations are in Spanish, right? Like, means I'm speaking English basically like an hour a day to my tour manager and that's kind of it. So it's like day one, day two, day three, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish. Fourth day, I have a dream in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talk to yourself about conversations you're gonna have. Like you might be getting ready in the morning and go, when I get into work today, I need to tell Nadav that we have to cover this and this topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't want to forget, so I got to remember to tell him that. Like those types of things. Like the fifth day I start doing that in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now it's like, you know, then we go to Chile, I'm there like day five, then I go to Peru, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like day seven or eight and I'm at the airport and I'm being taken through the airport by a, like an official, you know, from the airline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you sign an autograph for my wife? My wife's American and I told her I was escorting you today and she's a big fan. And I go, yeah, sure man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so she was really sad, but she would really love that. I go, no problem. So he gives me a marker. I start writing to his, to his wife, the autograph. I forget her name, right, but I'm like, dear, blah, blah, blah. And I'm trying to write, you should have abandoned your daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you spell daughter? He's like, what? Cause he's foreign. And I was like, it's D-A-U-G. And then I'm like, oh my God, I'm sitting here and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been mocking her relentlessly, including on the trip. When I'm on the trip and I did press in Argentina and Buenos Aires, I spent 15 minutes catching them up on the Ilaria. They were like, what? And I'm like, this fucking dumb brat. And I do the whole thing. I couldn't remember how to spell daughter for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, how do you say daughter? Uhm, and then I realized that, that like, she actually, as much as I mocked her, she actually kinda had a point. That if your brain is fully in, like you know, like you're so concentrated in something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fucked me up. And I had so much empathy for Ellaria, I wanted to actually, you know, reach out to her and tell her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did, yeah. Uhm, by the way, I also had never been to Mexico City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea. I had no idea that it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's right fucking there. It's so close. No, I'm saying, you know, it's like, it's so close. It's, there's 28 million people in Mexico City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, when people go, why, why don't Americans, it's because Americans are, are, like, we're taken care of in this regard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Writers and people who are like really into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like computer, software, writing stuff. They're never on Macs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Max are like dominant in uhm, for sure where you're from, in the west coast, like entertainment people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use Macs a lot. Macs are very popular with editing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a lot of editing is done on, on, uhm, on Max.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeah, similar, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, so, like, well here's the thing, cheetahs always have this thinner, like the thinner hind area, you know, where like they're, like uhm, where their back dips, they're usually, they have a thinner frame. Cheetahs are thinner. Yea, they are, they're a little leaner. The prince, look at the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a bigger spot, those cheetah spots are smaller. Uhm, but generally when you see uhm, a cheetah walking, just even walking, you can note right away once you've seen it, you're like that's just by their, their, their body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have long, they have a longer kind of leaner. It kind of adds up when you realize how much faster they are. You're like, oh yeah, you can't, if you were carrying a ton of weight, you wouldn't be able to run this fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, well in real life you can go on a safari, but I mean, look at, look at a clip of one. Just look at a clip. So crazy. You can do a cheetah sprinting clip, I mean it's gotta be, it's gotta be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's wild too? Is that, you know, genetics and nature are so fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that bi- look at that physique, the way it- fuck. It's just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you look like a real fucking broad, yeaah. A what? New York broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I currently own three large models, but I also have small models, over 60 in total, and they are custom made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Rhoda, who said she spent nearly $4,267 on model airplanes, revealed that she identifies as objectum sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got tagged, uh, fucking 10,000 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple of comedians were like, uh, what's this all about? And I'm like, you don't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, like you don't under- you don't- I don't even want to explain it, like you don't see what's going on, like you don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had a generational skip. Anyway, sorry to ramble just my thoughts, curious what you think, piss on me, beat me, love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes sense. Oh, you were adamant that I needed to watch this, so let me check this out. Make sure you tell the audience what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so right now, for those listening, she has like a bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I meant she's isolated in space. And like, I'm the other man on the ship. Do you think that she would be like, yes. Oh, Tom. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scientific purposes. We should do this. She's like, would it help you to concentrate more? And I'd be like, yeah, I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, I'm willing, like, I'm not a adult performer, I'm willing to be on camera so that we can study, like, the effects, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll do that. If you want me to, if you want me to do an ad read while it's happening, I'll do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if I've already done it and the world knows about it and sees it, I'm not gonna be like, oh, I'm hiding it now. You know? I'm gonna start shooting content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe how mean I am. That's what he says all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, but I've had some that are uncon- I've had uncontrollable fits before where I've sneezed, you know, 20 times in a row and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a few. And I like, I like sneezing with like reckless abandon, like in other words, open space where you don't have to be like, oh excuse me, like where you can just like outside, there's no one around and you can just let it like, you know what I mean? Like really go out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in the United Kingdom. Duh. Come on guys, this is third grade stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the Niagara Falls pushing you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what's good everybody? It's LaLoca on Pazer here. But look, I just came on here real fast to say something to all of you guys. All of you guys really disrespected me yesterday by commenting in my comment section, daddy not gone and daddy chill. Bro, I already told you guys that is real disrespectful when you guys tell me that bro. Don't be commenting no daddy chill. Don't comment no not gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please stop trying to make me look bad on this platform, you guys. Stop commenting daddy under my post, you guys, please. That's all I ask for, you guys, is respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, like you guys go crazy bro, I had almost 400 comments last night, all of you guys calling me daddy bro. Come on bro, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys ever get home and you're pretty tired, then you go take a shower and you realize you can bring dinner down to the girls in your basement?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, we were like, hey man, we could push a little bit today, but he's, you know, a man of the show and you just wanted to plow for it. No, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Him and another guy, like it would be the same dude, and they would just always be, kinda like, double teaming someone. Really? And I shared a room with them, so I'd get like sentences from him, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a couple times I walked down and it was happening and they're like, hey, you want in on this? I'm like, I think I'm alright, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's. Go hardcore. If you're drunk, it's even better. How does 2.3 million dollars sound?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just came in one day and they were there all of a sudden. That's a nice addition, I think. It was uh, it was Ryan. It was Ryan. Mhm. Smart Ryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where Chris is a professional. You're a professional. Chris is on time usually. Yep, on time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a pretty accurate statement, and then I get turned up when I'm on vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not a theory, it's just what happens to me. Right, right, right. So whenever I eat and drink, like at the same time, like I'm drinking and eating, then I get really sick and nauseous, and so that's why I'm like, okay, I'm gonna drink, then I'm gonna eat, then I'm gonna go back to drinking. After dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it didn't really help that night, but it helped the next night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt better the next night, but not that first night. The first night I think it was hitting me hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're missing the other half of that story, which is Eni's half. Yeah. Which is where, cause that was the whole reason I went down there the second time, cause I saw Eni, kinda like, putting his toes in the water, cause he's like a little afraid of the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be fair, I'd probably enjoy the drinks on Margaritaville Cruise, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would work with them to make spare cash. So one day we get a call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pick up a guy who'd been dead for several days. So we went down to a pretty nasty row house in Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude had done a full Elvis Presley. He had died on the can. His last worldly endeavor was dropping the kids at the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ironically, around his apartment appeared to be, there appeared to be piles of human excrement, and I didn't see any signs of a dog, so maybe, just maybe, he should have kept pooping on the rug. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nonetheless, we got our gurney in place, and I got a hold of the ankles, my dad got under the armpits, and, you know, one, two, three, we pulled, and nothing. He didn't budge. All he did was kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aspirate a little bit, and uuuh. And putrid smell came out of the mouth. Flies. It was, uh, it was nasty. It was nasty. Once we got beyond that, we went for a second attempt. I got the ankles. Dad got under the armpits. We yanked a little harder this time. It came up about, about an inch, but that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my dad's like, son, he seems to be stuck, gonna have to give it a little ass this time. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This time I got the ankles. I put a foot up on the commode for a little bit of leverage. Dad got under the armpits. One, two, three. We yanked this little sumbitch. He came straight up in the air. And we both just looked in horror. Dropped him right on the ground. It wasn't his weight holding him on the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were bigger than the hole in the toilet seat. So they locked him on the toilet. My dad just looked at the dude and said, ah, shit, I guess I know what killed him. That was a classic dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you're gonna meet my friend here, his name is, his name is, his name is T-Titan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The la- the fuckin- the top things? The traps? Traps? Th- those are prob- I dunno. Those are chopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for $200 off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so true, so I follow this like hoe on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's so great, like she, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you negatively comment in her stuff, she'll come after you, she'll come after your husband and be like, I'm gonna steal your man. Like she is insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, you know what's so interesting is during the pandemic everybody became a chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, dude, I don't, I don't want to know how an actress makes her vegan anorexic salads every day. Like, I don't, I'm not interested in your oatmeal cookies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think we need to know every side of every public figure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peter Murphy's out of rehab and my goth friends are, we're all just like this emotional whiplash, you know? Cause he's like, I'm not touring with Bauhaus, but I'm going to do this David Bowie tribute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to start because I want to get into this whole lane of TikToks that I found.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the anomaly. He's a little more put together. He's odd. A little more pent up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very true actually, cause the guys I've dated, yeah, they're more type A. Definitely more of a type A personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, I'm a slob. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not dirty, but I am a slob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because like, if we don't maintain cleanliness, bad things happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, yeah, like you have a period, like that requires you to stay hygienic and clean. Like a woman just needs to be in a cleaner environment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your filthiness won't create issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every woman listening knows, like, the tragedy that is your monthly bill. It's just so fucking gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even want to talk about it. Wait, but can I bring up one thing that Shauna texted me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was watching Jeopardy, and did you know that if you burp in outer space, you vomit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what is burp? It was a four letter word. What is burp? And it's because there's no gravity. Can you look it up, please? Like the answer. There's nothing to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you know, like, cause you've seen them like drink coke in space and they're like, oh, like it bubbles. And like that's what happens to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, they have to, at two years, you have to. Like, do you think they build like, ports? Like, you can-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but what if NASA built comports in everybody's, like, suite?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but even if a guy had a nocturnal emission in his sleep, like what happens to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think a low T King is ideal. Like you got a sweet dude who's like 55.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the deal man, is that I've been saying, hi mommy, thanks jeans. I would say for about a decade now, like chase watches me do it every weekend. And she, we always giggle cause I'm like, Hey mommy, thanks jeans. I love you. I finally got caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a hotel, I was like, oh, can I have some water sent up? Thanks, uh, thanks mommy. And he goes, mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, and I panic cause nobody's ever done anything like that. He pushed back and I was like, yeah, yeah, you're my mommy. Thank you mommy. And I hung up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sushi, we were in, was it in Koreatown in LA?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my goodness. Can you believe it's already March? I mean, 2023 is already well underway. So don't wait any longer to level up your small business and set your ear up for success. Get ahead of the competition by using stamps.com to mail and ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com lets you print your own postage and shipping labels right from your home or office. It's ready to go in minutes so you can get back to running your business sooner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For 25 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. Get access to the USPS and UPS shipping services you need to run your business right from your computer anytime, day or night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it very like American? Is it like Talladega Nights, the movie where everybody's like, fuck yeah America. Oh yeah. I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we play one just so people can get some flavor for this one? Which one do you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what I'm saying, like, you had to lie to two of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can just drink and drink and drink, but I tried eating edibles, so I'm trying to get into pot. Yeah, that shit makes me fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wild. That guy would take 10 to 14 Benadryl. I believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like you, I would encourage you to follow me at TheChristinaP on Instagram, okay? Fight the power. Yes. Cause they're not pushing me like they should right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you've created this character in this empire. It's like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make you sell products though, but not, but the platform itself doesn't send you a check. It does. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my belief is that every job like that's got a perk. I'm guessing free baked goods are a huge perk at Whole Foods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I answer the phones. I would, when the little brownies would come in and the Girl Scouts for their badges, I would work in the gift shop and like, sell them the badges. I did the cookie drives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lovely place, lovely organization. That's a good one. But it was so fucked up cause I'd be on Chelsea lately, like the night before, you know, and you like, you go and I'd buy a shirt from like anthropology, leave the tags on, wear the shirt on Chelsea, have to return the shirt the next day cause I was so poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A French place, I was at a Formosa cafe, which is like a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I feel about Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my new thing is I talk to Goths, cause I'm, you know, still of that culture. I love the culture. And I met one yesterday at a burger joint and I was like, you're going to go see Sisters of Mercy in Austin? And she was like, actually I'm into metal. I'm like, oh, well you look Goth. So you fucking confused me bitch. Pick a genre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very intense, a lot of tats on the fingers all the way up. Yeaah. Yeaah, he's very aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like hanging out with uhm, people that had real problems with drugs now called like Rob Eyler is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, he bummed me out. I don't like his whole vibe. Like, what does he do for fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I feel for her obviously as a human, you're like this is terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting about that is that he picked up that gun on the table and just went like as a joke, but anybody that's had a held a gun etiquette, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven kids? We have two kids and we're so exhausted all the time. And we just now turned a corner where our children are four and seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No ma'am. I didn't mind being like five months pregnant. Like if I could go back in time for like a few minutes every day, I'd be five months pregnant once a day for a few minutes and then back to like not being pregnant. Cause I like that feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's been really cool. Tom's been playing aggressive rap music for our children in the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, nothing, just like cool Britpop from the 90s. I don't know if you remember like bands like Pauw or Oasis, those piece of shit bands. One song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, after we- so we had to- you have to teach your kids, like, don't say F at school. Like, don't say F at home. F is too harsh for little kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there is an album if you guys have little boys. Aw man, my kids are so into this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something, Chelsea. We had what was called a fart mic here in the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the audience loved it, unanimously adored it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, Christina, we love you on the fart mic. Keep giving us the fart mic. I would eat zanku chicken in LA and then get on that fart mic and rip. And then Tom took it away from the listeners. Why'd you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How funny. It's always never what you want to go, it's never where you're like, this one's a banger. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so Pujitski Effect is where you realize you've been doing something dumb your whole life. Like, for instance, the very first one we had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom and I, when we first got married, we had exactly two phone chargers between the two of us. Or no, one. One phone charger that we would share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so I uhm, my whole life until I was like 44, I would get out of the shower and not really dry off completely. I would just like really cause I hate it. To me it's like a time waster. I just want to get fucking dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we've had a bunch of them over the years. A staff has had one and he realized that he can set the temperature for the shower. I remember you saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand. Alright, okay. So I was doing dishes the other day. Like I always do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freezing cold water in the sink. Freezing cold. And I, and I was like, oh my God, wait a minute. I can make this water warm and therefore make this way more pleasurable. Cause like my hands are always cold and I'm like, fuck, ow, fuck, ow, ow, ow, the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not for the comfort of my own hands. I've been doing this the whole time. Well, 46 years. Wow. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, you just don't think that you're like punishing yourself for no reason, you know what I mean? Like, or like, Tom's got this one, can I tell him the chapstick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. But I had a similar epiphany when I was walking in a park here in Austin, and I was like, that's it, that's the trail, guess I gotta go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll be like, I don't know anything, dude. Like, dolphins are warm-blooded. Did you fucking know that? No, I don't even know what that means. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe I've learned this stuff and then you just forget it cause like life stuff takes over. Like I gotta do taxes, I gotta like get my fucking oil changed in my car. You don't think about cool stuff like golf and fucking and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you sleep with that one on? Yeah. This one I travel with, I buy people for Christmas gifts, gifts, this is what you're gonna get. If you don't like to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, obviously. Look, I live for these TikToks. I curate TikToks from the marginalized communities. People that are underrepresented, I give them a platform. Your stories. We have the same for you, Paige.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! And he's like the chaired captain. Oh, this is a new lane. This is uhm, white guys who do martial arts in their apartment. They like to show you how fast they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we both grew up, uh, in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I grew up in Montgomery County. He grew up in Bucks County. Uh, he had a little more cash than I did growing up. So when we started doing road shows together and stuff like that, we'd be in the car and it would be, did you do this when you were a kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was just me and him sitting in a car, bitching at each other. Okay. Which now we do on the Patreon. Okay. Which, which everybody loves, which is, which is funny. Shout out to the greatest website of all time. Patreon. Yeah. But we started to do this more and more, back and forth with each other, just shitting on each other, and then, uhm. Patreon got that steel on the wrist is what I'm thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then towards the end of doing, uh, Center City Comedy, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we, you know, we've been doing it so much and, you know, we're just like, let's play this on the podcast with, with, you know, the other, the other hosts. So I was like, everybody go home and look in your fridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we met, we saw each other at a New York comedy club in New York. And we were like, you know, maybe we should make this a podcast. And then we started it right before, right before the world shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kind of what we, that's kind of what our intent behind it is to have a little something to it and to try to get to questions and find out about people that you normally wouldn't find out about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you? Lower middle and then, uh, and the, as the 90, at the late 90s, we started to go middle. Okay. I would say. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His Sammy would go down to shore for like a couple of weeks. We'd go down for a few days and stay in a hotel. Sure, I got you. On the bay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I ju- I just- I- I went through a leaf of stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't know that Cheetos were, that was like their selling point as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that the black leopards or the panther had those spots. You just can't really see them that well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom wouldn't buy any sugar cereal, she would buy frosted flakes, but they would be the off-brand. You were really poor. They were called what? Fristed flakes or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It was like Tony the Homeless Guy was on the box. Oh my god. Anytime she got, if she got sugar cereal, we would eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, when she got back from the store, she would freak out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you guys doing, what's the snack situation now at the house? Like for the kids and you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An event. It was like an event. You know what the closest number was to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was anti-American Tommy bullshit about dipping in mayonnaise. And then I did it once. It's great. I'd been lied to my entire life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and he would have to make his own dinner. He would take mayonnaise, ketchup, a little splash of Worcestershire sauce, and some parmesan cheese and put that on a salad. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A big trash determination. Do you guys remember when Montreal steak seasoning came into your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible. This is a couples thing. Sure. What do yous do when you go out to dinner together and you get the porterhouse? Are you conceding to her and getting medium for her? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we talked to our teachers, like, we think we want to, you know, maybe get into construction after, after high school. So we went to his uncle and was like, yo, and the uncle was like, here's the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a sweet. The French do french fries on a different level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a while it was Wendy's. Wendy's had the best fries for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not now. Not now. Wendy's had their time. They had a run. They had a run. We were talking about this last night, the Wendy's salad bar. That had the spaghetti and the tacos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for $200 off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit. Here we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi. Hi. I want you to know I took my first poop here at the studio, at the Studio Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're not pebbles. It was a healthy swoosh, but it wasn't like a big dump. You think that's- aw, that's cute. You think I make rabbit dumps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was hurried and labored and I had to push. And then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, uhm, this really great, like sweet potato-y type of salad. Oh. It was really good. Good. But, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happens. My browns haven't been as prolific as I wanted lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I have to, and coffee doesn't do what it used to for me. I've been drinking a lot of it. I think I've been drinking too much coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now my browns are used to it. I wonder if that's a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always. Tomorrow's dumps. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Make your brown dumps tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you had more explosive ones or less in the last? And what do you attribute that to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a lava cake, a chocolate lava cake will make you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't even discuss it. Our poor son had a fever of 103.5. We were in a hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. So Shauna sent this in, our good friend. Really? Yeah, my BFF. Shauna sent this to me. She's like, bro, check this nasty shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love it like an orgasm. Sneezing is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I've seen you scratch your back like a bear. Like you rub it against things in the house. Yeah, you very much are into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I see it differently. I see taking a dump and like body things as like the relief of a discomfort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't enjoy the relief of discomfort. I prefer not to have the discomfort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. No, I don't enjoy them. I see them as a nuisance, a time waster. Something I need to get over to get on to the next thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting because the caption says, every guy has done this. I'm like, really? Every guy? Have you guys all done this? With finger blastings?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reach out to me. I know I saw this brought, yeaah. You saw it too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was trying to figure out, reach out to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't, here's what I think really happened. Okay, are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, Heather, you're a realtor, you need to be on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, she talks like she's from Romy and Michelle's high school reunion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I think Los Angeles on Outskirt, part of LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, that's pretty cool. Uhm, you know what I was thinking about the other day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem with the pushing game is that you're a lot stronger than me, so you just tap me and then I go flying into bushes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. And I got you at Sneeze Tag. Remember? Where were we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scronert Park, I would say. April 29th, Chicago, Jizanoi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I've been shadowbanned by Instagram. Go ahead and follow me at TheChristinaP. Fight the power, okay? I know they're blocking my content. It's very controversial. They've finally caught on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's, these aren't as disgusting as my other ones, but they're pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I walk all day, right? I gotta, I don't, I don't care about looks as much as function, plus my ankle was broken. Like, I wish, why can't they just make a good looking shoe that can support me? Like, why can't fucking Prada make a shoe that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't they build, there are so many shoe companies, why can't they build in like orthopedics in like a nice shoe? Why do they always have to look like shit is what I'm saying. There's like Vionics, those, those look like shit too. I mean I wore them when I was pregnant, but like they're not hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how hard would it be for like, a nice shoe company to build an orthopedic shoe that doesn't look like you're a crazy person when you're wearing them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I wanted to notice you've had food in between your teeth for 23 minutes. And I was like, how long should I let him- Where is it? It's in between your two friend teeth. It's like a black dot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, doesn't look good, still there. And then you've got food next to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want that. I don't want that. What do you have to do when you have to floss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do on the road when you have to floss? You know, just take a business card and that works for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure which strategy is worse though, me pulling a sock string?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Let's determine who's nastier right now with getting food out of their teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you guys are looking for a business card, here's my method. I'll show you what I do. Okay? Go to the sock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you're in a pitch, man, you eat tacos before that flight. Like if you need to fuck on a bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, now look, you got my string, and if it's between...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this string is so fat, it's got two, so you can just pull it apart and that's an even thinner piece of floss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, see? Thank you. Now, was that worse? Oh, this is great. Or is watching what you're about to see worse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So guys in the booth, what was more horrendous? Me pulling a sock string and flossing with that or what you saw my husband just do?


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[Assistant] I fucking defy you. The audience at home, you guys vote, you tell me.


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[Assistant] Fine, fine. My clean sock on my clean skin is grosser than what you fucking saw.


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[Assistant] First of all, it's on the rim of the sock. It's here at the ankle. It's not sweaty. I'm clean. I'm very hygienic. It's fine.


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[Assistant] Money is the most disgusting, bacteria laden thing on the planet. You know how filthy money is? Money's grosser than my foot.


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh, I was just remembering when I was in college how impossible it was to get groceries. Who could even do that? It was like impossible. I didn't even have a car.


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[Assistant] Get back to school, savings you really want, and get unlimited free DoorDash delivery with DashPass, just $4.99 a month for students. How worth it? It is so worth it.


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[Assistant] With zero dollar delivery fees, exclusive items, and more than 25,000 members only offers nationwide. Dash Pass by DoorDash has everything you need.


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[Assistant] To make this semester memorable. I wish I'd had this in college, man. I mean, we used to have to walk in the blistering rain and sleet and snow and hills in San Francisco.


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[Assistant] Or save even more with 5% DoorDash credits back on pickup orders. DashPass for students gives you access to more than just your favorite restaurants. It will save you grocery runs.


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[Assistant] convenient store trips, and they even have your back with gift shopping. For a limited time, our listeners can get 50% off of toy $20 value and $0 delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app and enter code HOUSE.


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[Assistant] That's 50% off up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code HOUSE. Don't forget that's code HOUSE.


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[Assistant] For 50% off, up to a $20 value and $0 delivery fees with DoorDash.


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[Assistant] Subject to change, terms apply. My goodness, it's already the end of January.


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[Assistant] Quarter one, almost done. 2023 is already well underway.


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[Assistant] So don't wait any longer to level up your small business and set your year up for success. Get ahead of the competition by using Stamps.com to mail and ship.


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[Assistant] Stamps.com lets you print your own postage and shipping labels right from your home or office. It's ready to go in minutes so you can get back to running your business sooner.


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[Assistant] Postage rates just increased again, and luckily stamps.com has the best discounts in the industry. With rates you literally can't find anywhere else, like up to 84% off USPS and UPS, plus stamps.com automatically tells you your cheapest and fastest shipping options.


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[Assistant] Set your business up for success when you get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com slash mom.


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[Assistant] I would say your personality and who you are really informed the podcasting space. You know what I mean? Like your willingness to be open will make us be more open, et cetera and so on and so forth.


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[Assistant] When I do stand up, I forget that people know an awful lot about me, and you, and every- and you just forget, and they're like, no Christina, because you like to take a shit in the morning, and you're like,


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[Assistant] Other than in the morning, I drink- I have a very strict regimen. I wake up, I drink my coffee, I take a shit, and I exercise. It's in that order. And if it's out of order, then my whole day is fucked.


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[Assistant] Because I, I too am in the market for hormonal things because I think I'm perimenopausal. Yeah. And she said that, yeah, women do have testosterone in their bodies. But women have more testosterone than estrogen. It gets converted to estrogen. Maybe that's why we have it. I don't know.


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[Assistant] I love Puerto Ricans, I love Latins in general, hence this Latin meat. I like Puerto Ricans, yea. Yea I do. It's been a while though.


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[Assistant] I don't know, but I guess a lot of older dudes with like young blonde girls, that's the norm. But it's otter, is otter the right word, Chad? Otter. Otter? Otter. Otter then.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's more odd that they would think like some old...


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[Assistant] Can you walk me through this more in detail? Because you've kind of glossed over it, but I want to go into detail. How did you meet? Were you drunk? She's drunk.


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[Assistant] Siblings. I never clicked that shit. I'm like, I don't wanna know, dude.


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[Assistant] Chris Morgan's gonna have bad plastic surgery, mark my words. Yeah. Yeah. I think we're going to see some stuff coming down for that guy. Cause we've been discussing celebrities with bad face work and I feel like he's a prime candidate. He could be the next, he's been shunned by the, you know, he might go into that.


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[Assistant] Forehead reduction surgery. Surgery for wide foreheads and high hairlines which reduces the length of forehead through resection along the hairline and by lowering scalp. Cool. I mean, I guess she feels her forehead is too large. It's not. It's not like that. It's not like that. It's not like that.


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[Assistant] No. She's beautiful. Your girlfriend's gorgeous. She doesn't need this stuff.


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[Assistant] I can't get over it, like I can't stop looking. That is wild.


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[Assistant] You know what it is too, is that he lost weight and he got into shape. And when you lose that face fat, maybe the plastic surgery settled differently because he didn't have face fat. I don't know. That looks crazy, dude.


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[Assistant] I don't think so, like, uh, you know, like, there are, like, hot, comedian, like, hot, like, you know, and, I don't know. I like em old and fat and wrinkly and dopey too.


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[Assistant] Like, okay, the new sex in the city, Cynthia Nixon's character, she used to be a redhead, and then she let herself go grey, and she looks fucking terrible.


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[Assistant] You know, what are you bringing to table? Yeah, I can't even get his teeth fixed. You're like, well, you don't like yourself, bro. Why would I like you?


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[Assistant] That's true, I am curious as to what his standard is. Like, who's rejecting you, dude? You know what I mean? There are women that would take him.


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[Assistant] It's not, it's not, it's not, it's hard to, it's hard for the average person to sexualize that. That's what I'm saying, like, as someone that has breastfed, like, for that to be sexualized is like, I don't see how, but I'm not you, I'm not you.


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[Assistant] Oh, let's go. Are you ready for my talks?


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[Assistant] Okay. Is that Chris Larson? Looks a little...


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[Assistant] It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube. It's such a great premise. So they're both blindfolded. It sounds like they-


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[Assistant] Look at it, he can push it to make it bigger, he's pushing. That is crazy town. That's crazy town.


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[Assistant] Did you know, I saw this thing, um, in a crematorium, it was a TikTok, and she's like, things I've found in the crematorium, and it's the leg.


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[Assistant] Sorry, like the iron bits that we have, the metal bits. Oh, right. Yeah, both, do you have anything metal on your body?


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[Assistant] Oh, you have an implant, yeaah. Yeaah, that stuff doesn't get burned. So literally when they burn you, that'll be...


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[Assistant] I just thought it was interesting cause you're always like, Oh, you fucking sleeping again. Lazy bitch. But I just thought you should know so much more.


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[Assistant] Definitely more punishment. That's why I think you guys are better in the military, but we're built for making babies and loving babies and that's different. So, uh, in line with my favorite, favorite type of TikTok, which is guys alone in their apartments doing nunchucks, guys alone in their apartments punching the air. There's this guy.


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[Assistant] Brian, you're like a tech savvy guy. Is there any way to even buy CDs or is this like vintage?


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[Assistant] What? I mean, it's still a pretty gnarly trick to get that thing to stay down your esophagus. Yeah? That was a cool talk. That was a good one. I know. I know. Mind is blown.


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[Assistant] Really? I wanna try being, well maybe I'll try being a man.


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[Assistant] This TikTok I really loved, I watched over and over again. But you're right, to your point, Tom, I think hot girls are even more messed up than regulars.


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[Assistant] See, and I think what those guys should also keep in mind is that those girls are raised in dysfunctional houses just like yours. Right.


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[Assistant] Thank you all for joining me on this journey. Now, go get some XP.


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[Assistant] Manufactured holidays are always the best. Commercial ones, especially ones that you are forced.