[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there you go, according to Matt Mitrano. That's right. Yeah. That's the best part of your dream. Yeah, there you go, man. Yeah, so for me, it just, it, it was eye-opening and it was a good experience. It led me to where I'm at now, but. Yeah, you've had, you've come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 70 to 3. And I was on kickoff return. It was horrible. And I was going against this freak who made it to the NFL. And I mean, how many fucking kickoffs is that? And he, every time, don't touch me white boy. I'm like, bro, you guys are going a lot of points. I have to touch you. Like it's football. I have to touch you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't touch me, fucking white boy. I'm like, dude, I'm just trying to- See, that's the kind of shit I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tied in fullback. Tied in fullback. Like H-back. But I was also on all the special teams so. Oh my god dude. Freaks man. Freaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I never, cause I was on, uh, I was on offense, but I remember seeing Adrian Pierce and he was a freshman or sophomore and he handed the ball off to him and it was like Tecmo ball where you just keep hitting A and he's just fucking slinging guys. And I remember him running like, Oh my God, how, how do people tackle him? Like, what are we going to do? They scored whatever, 50 points in a row. And I was just like, I don't,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think the heartbreaking thing is like, especially when I identify, I saw Takeo Spikes. He's a linebacker and he has literally traps from here to here. He's as dark as this table and you're doing hitting drills and he had his shirt off and I'm just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't even look like the same species. Like, how the fuck am I gonna make the team?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think center because they know, they know that asshole is going to get played with. So if you have Tom Brady putting those hands, those golden hands underneath


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was a stud in the NFL too. His name's Lawrence Vickers. Why don't you guess his cock size?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I haven't seen a lot of lean black dicks. Usually thicc, like veins. Thickies. Big ol' thicc dicks, right? Yeaah, like again, I had a guy I shared a locker with, well his locker was next to me, he's the captain on our team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His dick was so big, his name's Lawrence Vickers, you can look him up. His dick was so big, he could grab it and talk into it like a mic. Stop yourself. I swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You joke around like, hey, how you doing? Like literally grab it like a mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fatest dick I've ever seen. This is Lawrence. From the 5th Ward in Texas. Vickers? Lawrence Vickers. Not Iraq. Played for Cleveland Browns for a grip. Was our captain of our team. The biggest dick I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play for the Cowboys. What did he play? Running back? What is he? He was like an H-back, running back, full back freak, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, hanging around. First time I met Cal and we were taking a piss next to each other and I looked over and just see what he's working with. He's talking so much shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just had to see for myself. It's like seeing a white walker. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like I had to see it for myself. And you're like, oh, that's pretty impressive. I was like, oh, you're not lying, man. Cause I didn't know if I could trust him or not. But he's thick. Thick and long. And long. Yeah. He's surprised. For Calvin being 50, thick and long. Balls are long. On Calvin. Grandfather balls. And Joe? I just saw, you know, fat dick. Yeah. You didn't see the balls? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm, I'm with this, uhm. Tom's staring at me so serious. I keep it, I keep it sexy. If I have to take a shit, I just tell anyone. I just kind of disappear and then come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Did you see her give birth? C-section. Oh, but you didn't see? No, no, no, I tried to stay away from it, but there was like a little corner where I could see through, it was rough. Serious surgery. Uh, she's Mexican. Yeaah, Mexican as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything you don't want your kid to be? Like is there something you're just so adamant on you don't want him to be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't imagine. I can't even relate to it. I can relate to it as far as sports. I had a debate with one comic there, like, while you were out playing grab ass, I was on the road, and I was like, well I was getting punched in the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or getting into Harvard. Well, cause to get into Harvard, I can sit my son down and go, look, do this, this and this, you get into Harvard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blessing, which is, I'm not even religious, but uh, it's, it's been crazy, man. It's been, I've always wanted to do this and I think just figuring things out and making it work and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being on the road and show business, it's been amazing, man. Like I just had a meeting last week about, you know, a TV show for something I've always wanted to do. Like what? A guy, like a meathead like me shouldn't be taking these meetings. A scripted show? Uh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a host show. Uh, for, cause I do my podcast, Big Brown Breakdown. Be like that for TV. That's awesome. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be great. Yeah, be great. But just stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or like, like for me, like when I, cause I live in Santa Monica, so when I drive down Sunset to do a set at the comic store, it's like, I get so excited, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get so, so excited. And like my biggest thing that I missed from sports was not the fighting, not playing the football games, but like the camaraderie, like with the guys and like, well now when I go to the comic store where I'm in the back, it's you, Burt, uh, Krystalia, Rogan, Brian, like it's like, fuck, here's my guys, man. And like, I feel safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever. You wanna hear? Yes. I only have audio of him, but I can pull- No guy recently though. Like there's no guy on Instagram talking like this. Listen to this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! It was alright. The second, third scene got a little lame. The first one was class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so interesting though. I still love- Oh yes, I remember that guy. He had a gym and his girl was HOT. His girl was a smoke show. It was all fun and games, so I wanted to fuck his girl. There was that show, and then did Showtime at Gigolo's too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck, some fellow jiggler. So check this out. I saw Homeboy, cause I used to live in Venice. Which one? I saw Homeboy. Nick? Uh, no I wish. Nick Cock? Nick follows me on Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't DM me, Nick, don't DM me. But uhm, the bald guy, the one who's like, actually, you know, I consider myself a feminist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit! And my girl's like, my girl watched it too, she goes, what? I went, it's Vin! And I go, bro, give it up. And he's like, oh my god, give it up brother. And he's like, well, okay man. Goes like that and just scurries off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just put your iTunes podcast playlist on and just fucking see it up there anymore, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Cause you gotta be a confident mother fucker to fail so many times, so many avenues, just keep going. Like maybe you can learn a lot from him. I don't know how much he's charging per class, but. Oh I can tell you. It's a lot. Your boy signed up for it? Uh. There can't be a lot of sign ups for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to be better with cooking, talk to a chef. If you want to be better with comments, talk to me, Nick Hock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ranging, ranging skypes and emails or phone calls ranging from $25 to $100. What about in person though? Whoa, four hours at my rate, $15.50. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't always that way. Being scared of the world much of my life. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he has a book. Nick Hock's 100 Kicks in the Ass. A Guide to Gaining Comments and Reaching Your Full Potential. I mean, the guy's killing it. He's trying to be, uh, fucking Tony Robbins. I get it. He's trying to figure life out, like you were saying. He's figuring it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a professional or just like a player? No, no, like a professional. Oh god, then I failed as a parent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like sometimes I get a troll on the internet and I won't block or anything, I will DM him. Cause I'll go to their page and if they're not private and most trolls are, I will go to his page and if he has kids, I'll just DM him and go, listen man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a right to your opinion. I go, you're a dad. You have a fucking- You really? Yea, I go, you have a kid, certain ones. I go, you have a kid, man. I go, in 20 years, do you want to be that guy that goes, hey son, I hate it on this guy who's way more successful than me. Check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you are single, this is probably why, man, I'm doing you solid here. Do yourself fair. Never respond. Don't be a loser. Some of them be like, fuck you. And some are like, god damn it, you're right. Really? Yeah. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll know like when stuff came out with, you know, Nick Diaz or when I was doing the Showtime stuff, some people might not agree with my opinions. And so they'll try to, you know, troll. So I'm just like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you shoot a good special on Netflix, you're talking about Game Changer, like it makes or breaks careers, like there's some guys where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, they didn't put their best foot forward and then you're kinda fucked when you go back on the road if it's a bad special. Cause now Netflix, if I watch Dave Chappelle, which is the most successful special of all time, most watched, I don't know if you guys know that, you watch that and it goes, you might also like, and I watch Tom and yours and it's like, oh what the fuck? You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but here's the difference. So, NBA NFL, they have NBA NFL money, so they're getting different types of hoes. However, if shit breaks down,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No matter, even at the espies, if a fighter walks in the party, everyone's like, okay, there's the alpha. It's just genetically like they know what's going on. So girls, they're a little drawn to that. However, now I would say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get hit on way more and more people sign my DMs now more so than ever that I've gotten into comedy. Not even close. What? Not even close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be it, but also, uh, maybe, yeaah, maybe, or maybe also, you know, one thing people like to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Common, you know, the common thing is they like to laugh. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say Chris is the most handsome dude in common.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's better. Yea, it's better for you. Who was it, uh, Eric Griffin? You know Eric? Yea, yea, he's great. I just said it, uh, at the improv and he got in after me and he was like, I don't know what the fuck that is. Comics don't look like that. Comics look like this. He lifted his shirt up. He's like, that ain't comedy. I was like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got red. He got big. He got thick. He's clearly on TRT. Oh. What's, I mean. What's TRT?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like Tyrone Biggums, that's where it came from. And then now he's like, you know when Dr. Dre got big, he got like, you know, that ain't normal, his age just get put on 30 pounds of muscle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you have veneers, do you still have to do all the regular dental protocol?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to the dentist seven years ago, the dentist fucked up and goes, oh my god, when was the last time you saw a dentist? I went, probably ten years ago, bitch. She goes, yo, you have genetically gifted teeth, you're some of the best I've ever seen. I went, cool, see you never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drink coffee like a motherfuck. This is my sixth cup of coffee today. My shit's still kinda white. Kinda look like corn nuts. Did you do the whitening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. Never. You know why? My buddy did it. Teeth, like, got super sensitive when you do it too much. It was off the enamel. He was on a jet ski. Kaboom! Knocked out all his teeth. Cracked them all in half. How often was he doing it? A lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pops, my mom's a little yellow, not gonna lie. My mom's teeth are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's terrible. I know. She's older. My dad's straight. My brother had braces for about eight years. Is your brother an athlete too? No. Computer guy. Computer engineer. Smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this Thursday I'm in San Francisco, Cobbs. Alright. There's like 20 tickets left. Nice. tfk.com for tickets. And then the following Friday, I'm at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's gonna be a good fight, it's not gonna be a fight of the ages like people think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, again, I think this will be a really good fight. I think Canelo wins in decision, but I think most of the public thinks GGG wins the fight. Then you see him in a rematch, and the rematch will be the barn burner. Okay. But it's a great fight. Best fight, right? Ah man, I can't, last time we had this good of a fight, it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like watching shows about them. I don't like them. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like, like, like, like, like, bro. Like, like, like, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright Gene, I think, uh, we're ready to start the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got- Are they tight? They're pretty tight, they're pretty high. Chains are so tight. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pea frights like that. Let me see if this is working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he said if you really wanna have super horny, like a good horny time, he's telling you you gotta get really good weed. He's telling you this as he's inhaling laughing gas through a balloon. But now he's gonna tell you the next thing to really up your horniness. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna fuck good? Uh, take, take, uh, 10 or 12 shots of afrin in your nose and then smoke weed. All right. It's crazy. Yeah, it felt crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's really worked out. How do you feel by the way, Jane? Your, your special has been very well received. It's pretty exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I had a full fantasy about, I had this, you know, I don't know, I do a lot of like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do a lot of thinking, you know, I take like 10 or 12 Benadryl and I smoke weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but like, you know, like, I'll come up with jokes and stuff in the shower. I always think in the shower. And I was this weekend, I mean, I was on the road and I was doing shows and then I was like, she's with the shower. And then I was like, we should fly that guy out, bring him to, uh, like a friend's studio and like have a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, does anyone have contact for Machines Within, Guy? Because I think that could be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are no- a lot of podcasts will claim, you know, they're this and that. There are no- there's no podcast in the world that has a better, uh, library and a better, uh, musically inclined bass than we do. We have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them are incredible. Like there's really talented people making music. Anyways, I actually was dreaming about this too this weekend. First of all, thank you to everybody. Ann Arbor, Indie, and Northfield Ohio Cleveland. Unreal shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sold out shows. Really fun. We just had the best time. A lot of mommies. Yeah, and like we had great, great shows man. They were just great energy. Never knew Ann Arbor was gonna be like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what are you talking about right now? You don't think I took photos of people? Why would you even say something like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are Cleveland Indians, baseball players right here. Oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came to the, uh, came to the show. Kip, Zimmer, right here. We, uhm, hung out after the show. Super nice guys. Nice, cool. Uhm, yeah, I took, if you go to my Instagram, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's just a few, but you can just let me know. Let's see, this is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it had like an eerie like horror movie quality to it I thought, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To remind people, but like this is what they're working on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is Machines Within coming up here by Equus. Yeah. Okay. So this is another version of Machines Within. Yeah. Uh, different take and, um, yeah, just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I just remembered by the way that because I had mentioned where I was this weekend, I went to this place in Ann Arbor called Fritas Boditas. It's like Cuban.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it called? Frida Batido. Sorry, I said it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, it was so good, man. Oh, that shit looks delish. See? With the fried egg on top and everything. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uh, one of the guys working there listens to our podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I ordered the burger and the egg and everything, but you know, I was trying, I didn't eat, I was like, I'm not going to eat the bun, you know, that kind of shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so they, you know, I didn't know that he, he didn't say anything at first. So I order and then I had a little size salad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a server comes out and goes, Tom. And I go, yeah. And he goes, here's your, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I had cramps for 36 hours after we ate it. And we had bites. We both had cramps. I was like, I don't feel good later. He goes, well, you ate just spoonfuls of sugar. Like it wasn't like sweet. It's like covered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Churro. Let's see, a churro, or a traditional. Spanish churro. You're right. You're totally right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it comes out hot. Don't forget that they're piping. It's basically, you know what it is? It's basically a version of a donut. Right? But they're covered in sugar. And then the new shit is they give you a sauce to dip it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks like they said there's, they don't know the origin of the story, but they think that maybe the Portuguese brought it to Europe from China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Warm, warm milk. Another theory is that the chudo was made by Spanish shepherds to substitute for fresh bakery goods. Chudo paste was easy to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at our knowledge. Look at our knowledge. Okay, back to machines within.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Machines Within. So this is Must Jeans Within. Yes. Must Jeans Within. I'm listening. By Benny Harper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, if, uh, if you need a reminder of what we're, what we're going off of here, it's just, just very-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I mean they could, I feel like they could come out with a completely unironic version of this song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that crazy by the way, that literally, I don't know if people totally understand this, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing his podcast to promote your special is more effective and bigger than doing like a late night talk show. I know, it's so crazy. Many more people listen to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, we had the guide obviously tell us to take our banadrills and- How many? How many have you taken so far? 10 to 12. And then when it kicks in, then smoke your weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm gonna go to hot yoga here in a little while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drinking and stuff is so much not a part of my regular routine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I could accidentally slip probably more than anybody else. In other words, I put so little thinking and attention into like getting a drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I'm the one that could easily, I feel like, I mean, we're already halfway through the month, but easily someone could be like, Oh, hey, I got you a beer. And I'd be like, Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think about it. Like I posted a joke this weekend after a show, uh, Potter and I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, that definitely was not part of our arrangement. Was like, oh, caffeine, which I did, by the way, I did do no coffee for the last 10 days of the weight loss challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he didn't do it. I mean, he, he, people thought he was smoking weed, but he's not, he's not smoking weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are not thrilled. This actually is much more of a challenge for Ari and Bart. They are, I can tell like, I think Ari's more troubled or bothered, well definitely by not smoking weed. He's a really heavy weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, smoker. He smokes weed every day. So that's definitely a challenge. He hates the idea of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm trying to fit hot yoga either, like I can go either before the meeting or after. I'd much rather get it in before so after my meeting I can come home. Cause if I don't then I have to go from a meeting to hot yoga and then I'm home fucking, you know, super late tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uhm, I'm just actually, it's, when I'm done with class, it's like I just got out of a pool. It's just, I'm completely soaked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, people are pretty decent, you know? I think they show up clean and you're not really- That's nice. Yeah, you don't smell people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think also because like, to smell someone would be either they're dirty when they got there, or you'd be hanging out there way after, you know what I mean? Like, you wouldn't smell right away. Unless, like one of the teachers one time pointed out like, hey, if you're coming to this class,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you eat like a bunch of garlic before you're gonna fuck with people. Like, so don't do that. So. Don't be a jerk. Yea, don't be a jerk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm lucky, I haven't seen balls. I've seen some weird dudes. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one day where these two guys, I was like, look, I was like, the fuck is up with these guys? And then it hit me that they were like developmentally disabled guys. Oh. And cause they were doing like goofy faces and they were acting goofy. Like they were just acting weird. And then I was like, Oh, I think they're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like maybe the bus brings him here, you know, as part of a program or something. And I also noticed that the teacher never, like the teacher will, uhm, tell, you know, tell people like, alright Laura, you gotta keep that left shoulder aligned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, try to roll forward further on your head, feet stay on the ground. But these two...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never addressed. And I'm like, why isn't he addressing these two goofballs? And then I realized that like, oh, I think they're special, you know? They're doing retarded yoga. Yeah, they were, they were kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And one of them farted. No! Yeah, yeah. And then one of them, like, was just playing with his shorts and like, and then one of them just stayed on the ground and wasn't really doing poses. And I'm like, why aren't you, like, because if somebody else, you know, I reached for water once, not a water break, Tom. And I was like, okay. So it's like, why are you not addressing these two guys? And then I realized, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one of them showed up in khakis and a button down shirt and dress socks. And we were all like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like regular, but like still no one addressed him. Yeah, that's what you do though. Right. Give him a pass. Of course, but I was like, at first I was just like, what is up with these guys, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, but I kinda kept to myself. You know, there's this like, culture in, in Bickram where there's not a lot of laughing, there's not, it's all pretty, you have to, you know, you don't really get that much out of it if you're not focused, so people don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Be gr- There's not a lot of goofing off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was when, uh, is when Bert's next to me, you know, like sometimes, yeah, sometimes, uh, you know, we'll do that. I forget the plane pose where like your arms are straight out next to you, you know, and then your, and your legs are straight back and I'll reach over and I'll just like touch his arm or touch his hand and he'll be like, he'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I'll just, uh, you know, I pay attention to where the teacher is and I do like little goofy shit like that, but it's pretty serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not super enlightenment, but I do say, I mean, you definitely, there's sometimes you get emotional in certain poses, which is weird. Oh, that's interesting. And I do think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you have amazing clarity at the end of class. Yeah. You know, if you get, when you get through a whole class, you're laying there, you, uhm, your mind feels very clear. It's like you can make, if you had to like make a big decision, I would go to one of those classes and think about it afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's good. It's good. I mean, I, I do, I do see the benefit. The only part that sucks is with the bet. It's like, you just have it like, you know, my week is crazy this week. Yeah. All right. I sent you my schedule because I have to go to all these meetings and it's like, I'm trying to figure out how to fit in all these goddamn sessions, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I go to today, where I'm going, uhm, will be number seven, and then I can't go tomorrow, but I'm gonna try to go Thursday, Friday, Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna try to go three days in a row to tack on a few more. And at that point, I'll only have five to do, but I'll have, I'll have enough days to hit them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's such weird guys in there. The guys are all weird. There's some weird girls, definitely weird girls, but there's some normal girls. Most of the dudes are odd. They're awkward guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a couple man bun guys, uhm, couple, yeaah, wristband, leather wristband guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, couple just patchouli salesmen, you know, just weird dudes, weird shaman guys, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no dudes where you're like, like there's not a guy in there where I could be like, you see the game last night? Right. Cause they'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What game are you talking about? The game of life? I don't know what they would say. Nobody looks like they watch the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bunch of those, yes. Some of the instructors are goddess twin activators. Or like, I can teach you how to come hug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a couple like, you know, the girl with like the third eye thing on her forehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's, I don't know, there's like some sweet older ladies, you know, like going to their, you could tell like their,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're enlightened in life with age, right? They're like wise, kind of cool. Some of them seem like they're cool, older ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're definitely not getting like a party girl vibe in Beakroom. That's not like the class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple rehab chicks for sure. You can tell this is like, part of getting their life back together. Sure. You can tell they're like, you partied hard before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's definitely some of that, you know. That's cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot believe you just said that. For people that don't listen to this show regularly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina doesn't get the folders. She doesn't get these clips. They're sent to me. And then if I want her to see one ahead of time, I send her to them so that she knows. But otherwise the whole fun is to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, here's Rub Rub Guy. Has tons of rubbing ticks for women. Isn't that great?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's a snug little, it's like you got little mouths in there going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's a good question. So what he's suggesting is you take your shit-covered egg, you put it in your puss, when your puss tightens, your face tightens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your leaky puss energy door is open. If you tighten your puss door...


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[Assistant] Man, we have a video of him talking about massage your testicles, rub your dick 350 times, and now shove eggs in your puss. I really would love to watch him make love to you. I think it's an amazing experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That is so nasty. I mean it's different. It's not like- It's different. It wouldn't be like one of those hammer like pornos where it's like some guy like gorilla pounding you. This guy would like really enlighten you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, that's a whole new way of thinking about it. Actually, that'll never leave my mind again. Every time I see a wrinkled face, I'm gonna be like, you gotta tighten your puss up. Your door's open. Yeaah, all the energy is leaking out of your box right now. Tighten your door, and then your face will get nice. And they'll be like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. We've talked about that with jokes. It's like bits work from certain sources. Sure, of course. You gotta, from a certain person, they can't, I mean they can say it, but it's not gonna have the same impact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he doesn't talk about, can an egg just break in your box?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something in the shape of one. Like one of LJ's eggs. Yea, like a fake one. A fake egg. Our son loves toy eggs.


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[Assistant] Uh, bullshit. He doesn't know. He's been doing this for like 40 years. He knows what he's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Do you remember we had the, uhm, didn't we have that Kim-An mashup? Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that we had, uhm, the Kim Ann, uh, that she did a 60 plus mil


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, PC, like a clean version, and then she did the hardcore version.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think would be worse? Do you think it would be harder for me to be with Kim Ahn or for you to be with this guy?


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[Assistant] I think I'd be way too gentle for her. She'd be like, you don't pound, ground and pound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I'm sorry? You don't wanna hurt it? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that would be like, first move. She'd be like, why are you doing that push right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if a woman goes, I'm going for a physical, are you gonna play with your tits? Put an egg in your puss? Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. This guy's like, yeah, that's actually a very effective way to keep a healthy body going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That part I don't know. I feel like it's gotta be the same one. And we just didn't. Absurd. He just found out about it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those are nice Nikes, right? But they're dad Nikes for sure. Yeah. Yeah. The other dudes got on like dress shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] London Real, you can watch their, uh, YouTube channel and learn all about this stuff and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you throw Kim Anne in there? I mean, it's a perfect, perfect mix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also feel like you can try to get better at it. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate any input towards my research. I must warn you, try not to go too deep down the conjoined twin rabbit hole question. It gets pretty dark. Thank you for all the work and congrats on the awesome Netflix special of Christina. Jeans up, hose down, Stevens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's just, I mean, I don't think we would not know, but we can put it out there obviously to the universe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meets a conjoined twin is like, I'm into this. Let's do this.


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[Assistant] I mean, I don't mean it to sound hateful, but I mean, really, how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you get out of that? How can you get over that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, my conjoined brother could be like, uh, I could be like, I wanna jerk off. And he's like, I don't wanna jerk off. Like I wanna go to sleep. I'm tired. I have a busy day tomorrow. I'm horny. No. And then you have the same body part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a police officer has to handcuff someone and that person is missing a hand, what do they do? How do they handcuff them? That's from Dave. That seems like something that a police off- there's definitely police officers listen to the show. You must have run into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, but a free, but a hand is too, you know, too dangerous to have free. So like you got, yeah, you got to handcuff it to something, but I want to, I want to know, like if you're a cop and you've ever been in that situation, what do you do? Do you stick his hand down his pants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Important question about cum hugging. Hi mummies, I showed some friends the clip of the cum huggers. One of my friends raised an interesting question. If somebody cum hugs you without you knowing or without your consent, is that a crime? How many tantric rapers are out there? Scotty O and his demonic wife creep me out. Thanks, Jeans. Jake. Jake, that's a really good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Kamahoggers are so weird. They're so, so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is a fun movie. And they'd be like, I really feel like this is enough Benadryl. And that dude would be like, gotta have 10 or 12. 10 or 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is uhm, we brought up, you know, inappropriate parents talking about sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they got an email, someone said, hey, I was listening to your podcast, 417, you brought up parents talking about sex, like also how like we never want to sexually talk in front of our son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My father passed away when I was a kid, so my mom raised my brother and I by herself. When I turned 13 I started to notice my mom becoming more and more comfortable with innuendos. I ended up talking about the female anatomy. I'll cut to the chase and give you some very low and loose scenarios. Here are quotes from her. I sweat a lot during sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are just a few scenarios I have dealt with in my life. I agree with you guys. It is not right. It makes me so nauseous. I can't even eat moose soup anymore. Love you mommies. Keep them high in type. Tom is the personality champ. Bob Hitler's HHM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird. It's so disgusting. I remember other, like, kids' parents like that. My parents were hardcore the opposite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I would pick up on as I was older, my dad, but doing a dad joke to another adult. In other words, like it wasn't for the kids. Right. You know what I mean? Like somebody would say, I don't know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it was like it would be like kind of like out of earshot. Yeah, but never like to us or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh yeaah, I used to get real hard with your mom, like now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it's also like, now I kind of, I'm guilty of like, poking and prodding them to get them to say those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but your mom also had like, told you about sex when you were really young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teaching. Yeah, that's the thing is that she wasn't doing it in like a perverse...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we're always on the forefront of, um, you know, weird speaking patterns and we had that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the weirdest fucking guy ever.


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[Assistant] And I ended up, he's all over Instagram too, and he has so many fucking, you know, uh, YouTube subscribers. Hundreds of thousands. But he has that crazy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how he learned to speak, but his name is Chills, and I don't know, so. Anyways, there's that guy. Hurricane Harvey. I guess the New York Times named their first female editor, and they did an interview with her. She has crazy vocal fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The article is really good, it's basically about how-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steven Seagal is the latest to be accused of sexual harassment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in 1996, that woman, that's who the picture was of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember I pulled up that picture? So she was in the wrong file. She, uh, was, she wasn't to his house. He summoned her to his house to read for a role and she showed up with, she brought a woman, a casting director with her. And Sagal sat in a silk robe and watched her do the scene. A silk robe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it said, and then that same day the manager called and said, Skoll wants to offer you the lead, but you have to go back to his home for a private rehearsal tonight. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she didn't want to do it. So they offered her like a one scene role instead. And uh, cut her from the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she said on set he would be like around guys and look at her and snicker and, you know. Yeah, so there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's weird. There must be a new movie with him out, by the way, because people keep sending me clips of a new movie, which is, it's like breaking down all the seagull walls that we thought existed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I think he's got a new one where, let me see if this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. His new one looks like a real hot pile of shit. Uhm, look, I fucking just pulled up my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, Steve, let's see if he's got a new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sent me, there's this like scene where he's clearly, cause you know he's like really good at improv, he clearly is improvising with the actress and it's so painful, you know, like poor girl is just like, can I just stick to the script? And he's like, you can, but I'm gonna fucking just riff. It's so terrible. He's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just the worst. Uhm, but yeaah, so now he's the latest to be accused of, uh, harassment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a real actor, like I'm gonna try to act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing new, new stuff every movie. Keep it exciting, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He might be doing that. He might be going towards that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes I am. I wish someone had told me what that fucking movie was. I'm black. Cause it was an amazing scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes like, I love the fuck out of cookies. I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So weird. Yeah, he's a very weird guy. So weird dude. Very weird guy. Uhm, lastly, before we get out of here,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just thought that maybe you would like to check this out. Maybe it's a direction you want to go in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. We could have done something about that ourselves.


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[Assistant] So those were born with male characteristics, those children.


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[Assistant] No, is that what you heard? I'm saying in the, that's what they said, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably what happened was that the child said, I don't want a haircut. I want my hair to be long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you're the kind of leading comedic voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you avoid knowing the gender they're assigned at birth? What does that mean? You don't look at their genitals?


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[Assistant] What do you do when people say is it a boy or a girl? See, that's the answer I would like to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how do you handle a sweet old person that's like, is this a boy or a girl? And they're like, why don't you mind your fucking business?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since you were fucked with, and your kids probably wouldn't be, it's good to push your trauma onto them. Exactly. That's a really good thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but then she did have a normal old person response. She was like, it was fucking weird at the top, meaning like I've adapted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they have like a way healthier, I don't know, like criminal justice system, um, healthcare, all, all that is way, way further ahead in Sweden and then that whole region really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, cause kids will just imitate the fuck out of you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, it's an interesting, like it's a really interesting question to ask if you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just go like, you start seeing, they start behaviorally doing things like you. They, you know, I mean, you see the way that our kid picks up the phone. He's like, well, yeah, starts talking to phone and kind of like imitating the way I do it. It's just, they do what you do. They do do what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot of, let's see, that's a big decision, like, to asking a small person, like, what do you want your pronoun to be today? And the kid's like, uhm, how about just call me by my name?


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[Assistant] I feel like it's such a heavy thing to try to break down. The person that would best answer this question would probably be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking Hen. Okay. And that's what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta go. This is, uh, our song Murder Boner by Big E. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for listening. Of course, a reminder, check out, uhm, Christina's special, Mother Inferior, on Netflix, streaming now. I also found out that my first special, Completely Normal, is now available on Amazon Prime for free. You can stream it there. If you have Amazon Prime, you can just press play on it. So I just found that out. Uhm, and that's it. That's what we got, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We couldn't go swimming today though, cause your water is contaminated. Did you guys know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and I'm like, well great, I swam in this yesterday, I'm sure it's fine, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have been calling me ma'am left and right, I'm very offended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in 7-Eleven buying hot Cheetos and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they can say fart now on TBS, right? Cause if you did the, you know, the network version, they won't even let you suggest farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so your mom, are we gonna read her the emails people have been sending?


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[Assistant] Speaking of shit, since we've been here, I just feel like you guys should know that I haven't really been browning as much. I know, devastating news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think part, I think the problem is because we don't have a bidet in the hotel we're staying in, it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because my asshole is gun-shy. It knows.


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[Assistant] It knows that it can't relax and release because there's no ample cleanup provided.


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[Assistant] And it actually, it actually opened up my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously, be honest, I don't know. You did used to put your fingers in my butt. I like because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can I tell you honestly, since I had our kid though, and since two holes became one, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dale huevos, dale, what does that mean, dale huevos? What does he say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's fine! But this one's a killer. Is that what he says?


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[Assistant] But then, but then when guys turn like 50, they become, you know, human. Like they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not in a, like hop, just like I remember him flipping his leg over and I was like whoop, there it is.


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[Assistant] No, I mean it. I have all the balls and I've touched a lot of balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? With different strokes, everyone's the same. So maybe, I think, and personally, here's my, I just don't, I like them high and tight. I do, I like them, yeah. Like, yours are nice and high and tight. I've had balls that are just all skin, like, you're like, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're, they're young guys, they're that huge nuts, but it usually, usually it


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[Assistant] No. Really? No, I'll be on- do you want to know who said the most? Yeah, sure. You.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, he didn't want to go blue. Yea, he was like, that's too far. Yea, too far. But it probably would hurt more in your nose than your ass, right? What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens to you that you get that nutty? Like how does that switch flip where you're like, no, this is healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe we're the squares, Tom. You know what I mean? Maybe we should be giving ourselves P. enemas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But don't you have to, I mean shouldn't you give yourself an enema before you have butt sex? Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. But strong performers do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I learned about you on this trip, it's very interesting, after 12 years of knowing you, I feel like I know almost everything. Now, you are anorexic. You can use... I can use either hand, it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, but you write with your left. That's quite possibly the highest skill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Everything. Yeah, I have no need, this is useless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But back to you. So I've noticed this week, cause we spent a lot of time together, we've been on vacation here, uh, you really savor your body functions. Like, more than anybody I know, like you'll sneeze, like you do this annoying thing where you sneeze like three times in a row, like it's clearly for attention by the third time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But you do like them more than anyone else. Yeaah. It's very cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! You guys are all rotten, all of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright guys, let's get to some YMH business. First of all, uh, you know, a lot of people have been writing in about this very important debate that's been raging on in the Your Moms House community, and that is whether or not shits push the fart out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Hitlers, I've been thinking about your fart and shit situation. And he writes, honestly, I'm deeply offended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe some farts push out shits and some shits push out farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You excrement normative binary standards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I had, I had an epiphany on this very topic, uh, as we've been spending time here in Palm Beach, is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I farted the other day and I kept farting and farting and farting and farting with no shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why must all farts have purpose or utility?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's like this capitalistic notion that everything has to have a fucking utility attached to it. What if farts were just for farts sake, like art?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For aesthetic enjoyment, there's no usefulness to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was, thanks bro. That's super deep bro. Thanks guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a name for that? No, that is a thought provoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're right. Let's leave it at that. Yep. Here's another thought provoker that came in. I really like this one. Okay. Are you ready guys? This is from Gerald. Uh, he writes, can retarded people vote?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Well now wait a minute, that's a physical disability. But he was mentally disabled as well. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. You had the 18 in American. That's the only two prerequisites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll just kick you. It's the warning, so you can brace yourself so when, you know, the expectation is met, then you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and he had a bad reputation for being really grumpy towards the end of his life. So, this is pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so dismissive. Why do the interview if you're not even gonna answer the guy? It's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the thing, is like, once your face starts melting off of your skull, you know what I mean? Like, that's when you go behind closed doors and just retire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just, just give it up. Your ego, the guy is such a fucking egocentric.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, you're terrible. Alright, here's another thought provoker, so there's no more barf clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When food goes right through you, is it the meal you just ate or a prior one being pushed out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you also knew the retarded question too. The fucking expert of West Palm Beach, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was bad. Alright. You know what I've been noticing on this vacay daddy? What? Is, uhm, vacation dads, they, it's a puppy, sorry, I'm in Florida, I forgot. Aye. They, there's a specific,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a specific type of vacation dad I've been seeing where they, they're always shirtless right in their box or whatever swim trunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they have the hard booze belly. There's that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, dad bod, right, it's hard, but then, I saw, they have like a rib, the rib cage shows, and a fat belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did it the whole time. Totality!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what I've noticed is on every beach, whether it's, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I noticed like in South Beach or here, there's always the guy who looks like a piece of fucking beef jerky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skinny, skinny, skinny guy with his dog rib showing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they're, they're athletic. Like they run all day or something. You're like, what are you doing? You just want to die. Like you're trying to kill yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well because like, because seriously, in LA, if I saw a fucking dude wearing like, pink, pink khaki shorts, a brown braided belt, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no capacity for, you know, I don't fucking care. That Brooks brother, that is some southern shit though, we don't have that in LA. No fucking way would a guy wear like a lime tuxedo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm beginning to lean towards that as the solution to this thought provoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's do some, uh, do you want to do filler ups? Yea, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but if I have to choose, I mean, I cannot...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I am, I am. Here's Rain Florence, she's gonna be all weird and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to connect, yeaah. She's gonna cry in feelings and all that shit, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moose Soup Lady would take your head and just force it in between her legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's why I don't like him. He'll take longer because he's mastered his-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is from the 70s? Yeah. Okay, but back to this story. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, woman to woman, like, all these scenarios are about getting in and getting out, right? So in my mind, it's like, I'm gonna get in there and I'm gonna let the trans Canada dad


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This'll be the first time any woman's ever tugged his nuts, and he's gonna love it. And I'm gonna make this guy's life, dude. The Trans-Canada Highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's that guy. Yes. You know why? Because I'll give him a thimble full of whiskey, which he's never had in his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's take a poll. Who here is gonna go for the rub-rub guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. It's because I understand suffering and uh, no, I, I feel like I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I like what is misery. You're the would you rather champ, for sure. Thank you. Now, guys, please, let's go. Okay. Okay, would you rather, I like, would you rather wear a fart helmet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fart helmet is, it's a tube that's hooked up to your butt hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh they did? Okay. So, but every fart is in your face and you're smelling it all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you pee in a mason jar, but you carry it with you everywhere and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I just think about what would be the most horrible shit in the world. Yeah. Like a fart helmet. It's gonna- It's a mask. Right. It's hard to perform. It's hard to go out and dance. Hard to perform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then that disqualifies you from a lot, like, imagine having to do Conan, and then you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The essence of it is you have to tell people, like I've decided to do this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what do you got? I'm gonna take, uh, I'm gonna take the mason jar too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, clap for, uh, Macy John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather be vegan, but you're one of those vegans that you have to fucking talk about it 24 7. That's what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prositizers. But you're the annoying kind, okay? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're constantly proselytizing. Every time someone is with you, like, I hope those shoes aren't leather. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're one of those annoying people who doesn't eat anything on the menu, so when we go out, you're always like, is there dairy in that, is that lactose free, is that gluten free, is that, so like all you can eat is like five things, and you're a pain in the ass to everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to listen to me whistle constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I've got one last one, okay? This is more gross. Would you rather never floss? You're done flossing. Some of you pigs aren't doing it already, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yes, I hear you. Order, order, hear, hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this particular scenario, we are dealing with bidet-less toilets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's the thing, the reason I choose a bidet-less toilet is because this is the everman scenario. Hold on, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Yana, Yana. Yes? Uh, a way around such a conundrum of the one wap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a washcloth, which I'm opposed to using in regular life, but because of this thing, I have to. And I washcloth my asshole. Easy peasy, dude. Yeah, fuckin' loofa that shit, dude. No plastic bags? No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The vagina. You give them an egg and they practice to like clench down on the egg. You put the shit egg. The shit egg?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you showed up in 1947, what was it? It wasn't a little bit of a dusty cow town. It was, what was it, what was it like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last show, this lady, I think the tail end of the show, uhm, your fans were there, the tail end of it, she said, I laughed at every joke you did, I even laughed at your fisting joke, but when you made jokes by AIDS, my brother died 25 years ago, and she was very upset with me. When people are upset, I let them say whatever, you know, they paid, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I let her, I don't interrupt, I let her say it, cause this is not, she was trying to get attention, she was genuine in her, and she was hearing me say horrible stuff, she was all the way with me to the tail end of it, I let her speak all the way, and she got her stuff, she got out, and as soon as she closed the door I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have 20 more age jokes for you, and then people laugh, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and uh, that's okay with me, but when you do that, you're basically saying, everyone in the room have no rights to hear what I have to say. Because people jump to conclusion about it. So, but I don't think this is just me. There's a lot of comedians who are facing this. Like, a couple weeks ago when Bill Marga in trouble for that joke,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been very supportive of minorities, you know, uhm, I listened to that joke, he used an N-word, I don't think it was malicious at all, and people are just overreacting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, people who are not a fan of his and don't watch his comedy, when they see a small clip on YouTube, they just make all this assumption not knowing, believe me, he has done a lot of good things out there. I'm a fan, and especially with the drug policies, you know, he's always been fighting the drug war. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know the drugs, but I only pay attention to how much they pay, so. Is it paying a fortune? 12, almost 13 grand I think. That's pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what typically usually happens. Uhm, I'm not even concerned about taking the medication. It's always, I'm always like, everyone is starving because they cut down on your calorie. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're always afraid, even if they pass the screening, they go in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After five, six days, they can't do anymore. They just lose their mind. Cause you, you, you can't leave, you know, and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're hungry, your hands are shaking because no coffee and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they have another, another business called CRO, uh, clinical research organization. All they do is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get contact by a pharmaceutical company and say, Hey, we have, uh, X medication. We like to test on people and we need 40 people between this age at this body mass index. And they, they kind of be a smoker. So they have all kinds of different criteria for each medication based on each pharmaceutical company. So there's some studies we could drink coffee. Great. There's other studies where you could do, you could eat almost anything. Now there's other studies so strict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no sugar, low calorie intake. Yeah. So those are the ones like. So you want to get forced to diet actually. You want, you want to. That's, that's one of the major benefits. So when people say like, it's dangerous, but like, man, I feel so much better when you lose weight. I have to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, I mean, I can't tell you if I would have never gone to this business versus now that I'm taking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The general rule is they wait until 30 days before they contact you because it takes about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's times, if you're broke, you finish one study, you drive across the town, I'm not saying I did it, uh, you could drive from one study to another study and you barely make it there and do another screening and hop onto another study. But there's this group of guys,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only do in Southern California, there's a group of guys, it's like fight club, they go literally city to city, state to state, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out of the room, talk to another person, redo the interview second time around to pass it. They'll do stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were just doing a European tour with Jim Norton? Yeah, I just happened to be there for, uhm, Oslo Freedom Forum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This irrational, not fear, but I don't know. They just don't go for some reason. Yeah. And I'm glad I'm Jim there, because Jim did extremely well, and uh, Bahrain, who is our tour manager,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was in charge of Pablo Francisco, Fluffy, and Bilber, and he told us basically, Jim sold about the same amount of tickets as Bilber first year he went to Europe. Oh wow. So it was very successful. Wonderful. And Jim, it was good exposure to see outside of this country. He's such a good comic though. Yeaah. It doesn't surprise me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are so perceptive. When we were, when we were... What a guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afterwards, Jim wanted to go and check it out. Uh, Jim has never been to those places and he wouldn't do it because it's too low class. Cause he get, he get the high end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do notice the last couple of years because of the European economic crisis, you, you do, everyone will see like, wow, you're German or you're Dutch and Greek and Spanish, Spanish, Spanish people and Brexit that's probably doesn't help. I mean, there's, oh, there's, there's fear in Europe about all the changes, not just terrorism, but, um, job wise, you know, and, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think Jim got a girl, but what I was surprised, that every window with transsexual lady,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they look so good, like, I can't even tell. I have really, man, Jim was 100% new right away. Like, I don't know how he does it. I mean, I'm putting- He knew that that was a- That's Shimeo, that's Shimeo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, last time I heard from him was when Joey Savera called me in Boston when I was doing shows there and he was hanging out with Rocco and Rocco said, I'm sad to hear that you don't work with Evil Angel and I hope you're doing well. So they're, they're nice people. He's such an animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's interesting? He released a documentary within last year or two about his sex addiction problems. Oh, I wanna see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's such a funny guy. Did I tell you that one time he was so disappointed that, that he was telling me that, I don't know, these kids, he was talking about his, like, uh, nephews and stuff, like, I don't know what's wrong, what the fuck's wrong with these kids. None of them wanted to get into porn or business. All they ever talk about video games. He was complaining about video games, social media. You told me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're in that business or you have a drug addiction, whatever addiction, because you have a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing the most intimate thing, but it has so little intimacy in it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's for people who are consuming it with personal issues, a lot of them, you know? Like, if you're one of those people that watch every once in a while, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you always need it, it's because there's something wrong with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like an orgasm, there's some, some kind, I'm sure there's some kind of trauma that you learn to sex or drugs or whatever to give you comfort, you know. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a new place. I was really shocked. Oh, please do tell. Okay, this is even shocking to me. So, I finished the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Working for Jim. Fantastic. He was great. The audience are wonderful. And talk about your fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got, your fans listen to this show because there's so much intimacy and this, this make people really happy. Like I was saying, Johnny Darko, one of the directors, he's a big fan of yours and like he's really happy that I'm on the show all the time. So anyway, uhm, great job with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After, after that comedy tour, I flew into Athens, Greece, because one of my friends was working at a refugee camp. So they, these people just- Did you fuck a refugee? No, no, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so there's a place called City Plaza Hotel, it was abandoned, and a pro-refugee group took it over. I don't know how many, maybe 500 or 800 refugee people living there, my friend was working there as a volunteer, and uhm, when I showed up, uh, he was known, he, timing was bad, so he couldn't be there. So I just kinda walked around, check it out, and uhm, rap, rap, rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't want to acknowledge it and the people who run it don't want to bother to say the other because they're so, they're pretending that it's not happening. So anyway, I kind of went there even though my friend wasn't there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but in Athens, I didn't know that prostitution is legal. Nice. So uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I just did a internet search, then I find out that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they have a very weird notion of personal space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but Athens is amazing because wildlife districts, so basically you go to this certain street that they tell it they're illegal. You walk down the street, even during the daytime, they have this really tiny bright white light. That means there's a prostitute there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the doors are wrapped with this, uh, um, um, cloth. So when you close the door, it doesn't slam the door. So you go in, you go in, it looks like a disco room with these shiny things going in a circle. Like, wow, this is weird. You sit down and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're going back and forth to these rooms like, oh, uhm, so I noticed a pattern like, white light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normal sex. Then what? Then a girl walks in across the room from one door to another and you see them for a second. Oh, so you get to like basically eyeball the goods. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was insistent to give me a kiss, like, being friendly, like, I don't wanna be rude, but she was so friendly, but like, you know, I was just making funny faces, she came and just kissed me in the lip, like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overweight. Wait, was that your only option? No, no, no, no. So I left there, but I was like, oh man, this is, I don't know if I want to do this, but there's so many rooms and so many buildings. So I just walk every one of them. Eventually I went to one door and, um, she was pretty. So like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, she grabbed me to come into this room and it's like a room with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very basic furnitures with bed. So you're just sitting and every once in a while you hear


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eastern European, but I think she was a little darker, so I think she's probably like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could pay somebody for like 60 for a whole hour if you wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, anything is negotiable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or some other girls saying like, oh, she had to do is watch him eat for like an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I talk to, I mean, when I get to know that some of the girls, they'll tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, don't you think it has a lot also to do with the victims? They are victims, but they're black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women. Black women. Who are usually, and they're young teens. Yeah. So we're not like talking about. If it, if, you know, if the narrative was, if it was a young white girl, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the reaction would be quite different. No, I think you're right. I think you're right. The thing is, he never pretended like he was a wholesome family guy either. No. Well, here this is not wholesome. And he is fucking talented. I don't like what he does, but he is unbelievable. Those lyrics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause remember, I think last time I told you, at the live show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, porn have an incredible ability to predict who's going to be the next president. But Trump, I think, I kind of admire him for being so honest about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the new trend is taboo relations or incest porn. Those are really popular right now. And you're saying that Trump is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both sexes go through that. Freud even talked about that, right? Yeah, yeah. Oedipus complex, but also girls for their father. You just, when you reach certain age, you just outgrow that, but some people obviously don't, you know? And, uh, I think Levi Schaust, the philosopher, the whole notion of taboo started with the whole idea of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't attack hip-hop or country, I just, I don't know music, you know, but if, if he's doing that then obviously he is. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what study it was, but each succeeding son you have, the percentage of that kid being gay get higher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and another one was my friend Ogi Ogas who wrote a book called Billion Wicked, he's a professor at Harvard. He said that gay men in general have a bigger penis than heterosexual men by a quarter to a half inches. I don't know where that's taken, but he's a scientist, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That just because they're blind doesn't mean they're gonna have a blind partner either, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, or how does a very successful rich and powerful blind people know if they're dating good looking people? Because they must have a system like, is she good looking? How would you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think blind people they have in their head what's a pretty face? Even though they've never seen a pretty face ever before? Yes. You do? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But women look at guys and say, is he strong enough to protect my offspring? Does he have a social status? Is he kind? You know, these things really matter, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It is true, but there is a reason that the fat surrounding breasts and ass is what's necessary to keep a baby very healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was also in Canada, by the way. I was banned for 12 years. 12 years? I thought the ban is usually 7 or 10 years. 10 years, but I was still afraid to go, but I went up there for,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan, but they have to get me for something, and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delete whatever he's typing and then retype something over that. So Russell think it's funny, but it wasn't fun. I'm just terrified, you know, and they were just going after people. And then they sent you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They let me do the show because there's no flyback that night. So, but they say first thing in the morning you have to leave. So I did a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I didn't want to show an image and then I have to fly back. So I went up there for uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Network, uh, drug users reunion or something. Uh, they were kind enough to invite me up there. And, uh, I saw about 80 people inject heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the number of, uh, overdose dropped, crime dropped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August 10th, uh, Laughs Unlimited in Sacramento, 8pm. It's the first, uhm, illegal comedy show, illegalcomedy.com. And, uh, I'm selling magazines after the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And uhm, it's a great weekend because August 11th and 12th, you are doing a show in Sacramento Punchline. That's right. It's going to be a fun weekend. So, uh, we're going to show a video from the magazine telling you exactly what I'm doing. I need to sell tickets because I'm already minus 600.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the club, off the cuff, we're doing another illegal comedy, so uhm, basically just break even, tell people that we want to help people to addict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We lost 67, almost 70,000 Americans last year and a year before that, 35,000. So that is a massive dramatic. And we're losing. These are not bad people. I just want people to know these are your brother, sister, uncle, and even grandparents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your fans are wonderful. They're just, uh, really nice people. Hit em' up. Hit up Yoshi on Twitter. You're at YoshioVayashi.com and IllegalComedy.com and, uhm, Last Unlimited, August 10th. Alright. Gene, anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've just arrived in Örebro in Sweden. I'm about to go meet a family here attempting to bring up their kids free from all gender norms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mika and Nico were both assigned male at birth, but in this family, the sex you were born with does not dictate your gender identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you, you usually dress like a slob and so I'm dressed like a slob hoping that you'd be dressed like a slob. Why do you say that? I don't dress like a slob. But you got a nice shirt on and now I feel like I look like a dick and you look all nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just remembering one time you did, we did this episode and you were wearing your underwear and we were recording video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. I like when you get mad at me, like, God, so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what are you saying? It has to be some variant of that. Like, she's so stupid. Wish I was single. Wish I was on Tinder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, do you fantasize about the second wife or just being single?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you have a second family? That's the craziest part when people do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a, oh yeah, you have to open up that second company in Denver and you're always in Denver every other week, every other weekend. Or maybe you become a truck driver. That's kind of the easiest way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ellis was splashing water outside the sink cause he plays in the sink and then he likes to do this thing where he splashes outside cause then we get mad and then we pull him out. Like it's a game we all play now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I was like, oh, that's such a dad mode. Like, you went full dad mode on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what dads do though, they just show their rage. You gotta be angry at someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you, you get a lot of pent up anger and then it comes out. Yeaah. At little things like this, huh? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't want to confront whatever annoys you in the moment and then it stores up and stores up and stores up and then you get mad at the kids filling water, right? Or like Christina forgot that we did the dates already. Oh, it's so angry!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is terrifying. We saw this clip, and I- I've swam in those waters. I think I learned to surf in these waters. This is Long Beach. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did that guy even contain his emotions enough to be that calm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about you guys, uh, drop a line down and pluck that person out of the water? Like you're in the fuckin', they do that. That's how they rescue people drowning or far out. They just drop a line down and then the lifeguard jumps out and ploop, gets you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Decisive action. No, I, when I was on road rules- No, you decided.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I trained, I trained with the Australian Coast Guard. I did. Uhm, uh, Bondi Beach and they taught us how to do that. That was one of the missions. How you get lowered by the rope and then you pluck the person out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think they wanted a cool video to submit to YouTube. Get those hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, do you think that would attract the sharks to you or repel, repel the sharks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus what you eat, it's all ground up in and out burger and whatever trash you've been eating on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible. There's nothing worse than bad road food, cause then with the road food comes the road shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, since I had a child, my back's messed up, my feet messed up, I have sciatica, and I started to wear orthopedic shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, not all of them look good. There's a brand called Vionic that I've been into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they make really good looking orthopedic shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to, cause women's shoes are horribly unsupportive, if not damaging to our feet. The ballet flats, I can't even do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have those. I have those exact except slip-on from when I was preggers. It's terrible. I'm gonna send this to him. These are my new ones. Yeah, those look orthopedic too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not. Are they for running or a specific sport?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, can I tell you there's a fine line between cool sneakers and then too much going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it starts to look like a hiking shoe. I see what you're saying. Or a bicycle shoe. Yea. I guess I didn't see it that way. It loses. It's cool.


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[Assistant] So you okayed two of them and then two you were like, no.


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[Assistant] I thought those were cute. Now try the blue color. Do you like the blue ones better or is it not a color thing?


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[Assistant] But right now I have, I have the New Balance ones. They're identical to what sickle cell wears. I'm not even joking. Those are terrible.


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[Assistant] Oof. We gotta get him some bionics. I know. I'm telling you, it's all about that arch support.


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[Assistant] Cause my feet will hurt if I just wear regular flats.


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[Assistant] My feet will hurt, my back, sciatica, it all flares up. It's really bad. Yeah, it's the fun of being 40.


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[Assistant] So we also went on a mommy's night out, a TMN Total Mom night.


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[Assistant] And we ate a lot of bad food. Don't tell our trainer.


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[Assistant] And we also relax in bed. We watched a shitty movie. Didn't we watch something stupid?


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[Assistant] The premise was that his girlfriend just disappeared. Like they were together for four years and then one day she disappears. So what happens to her?


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[Assistant] She wasn't tough enough in a weird, she wasn't, she was just like a cute blonde. She wasn't like a tough, tough blonde.


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[Assistant] What's her name? The blonde actress? I don't know. Heigl. Catherine Heigl. Like do you buy?


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[Assistant] No, uh, what should she be, occupation wise?


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[Assistant] Okay, so your theory is that attractive people don't go into professions.


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[Assistant] That's not true. We have attractive people that we professionally deal with.


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[Assistant] No, you don't see many supermodel, uh, doctors. That's true. Now watch, we're going to get a bunch of emails from people who are like, I was a model and now I'm a scientist.


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[Assistant] Well let's just say it's a tradition that started


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[Assistant] We didn't start the fire, but it started on us and the Dominican Republic when we stayed at a resort that played hardcore pornography on our television. And it was like, wow, does everybody get this in their room? No. No. Because we asked. It was just us.


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[Assistant] And we watched a lot of hardcore stuff that week in DR.


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[Assistant] And then it got us to kind of getting used to that now. It's hard to go back.


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[Assistant] You know, you can't go in McDonald's every day after that. So now when we stay in a hotel or go on a vacation, we like to order it on TV.


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[Assistant] Four hours. It's so funny, it's a, what I'm thinking about with DR is that, like, your kid could just turn the channel and find that. It wasn't on restricted times.


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[Assistant] Which is kinda cool, cause then you can explain two things to your kid at once.


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[Assistant] You get a lot to choose from. There's a lot of, uh, MILF stuff is very popular.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's interesting. My theory on the Harry stuff, uh, is that that place probably accommodates what's popular by the client, for the clientele.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's either teen or MILF, it's super weird. So, I'm, I'm gonna go with Asian.


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[Assistant] Because they are generally hairless or less hairy than white people.


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[Assistant] So I'm thinking they, that might be the new kink. I don't know. What do you, what's your, who's, who's buying the hairy stuff?


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[Assistant] With your new friends. It's not sexual, you're just wearing the costumes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he clearly played with them a lot, or stretched them. Like, he fucked them up.


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[Assistant] So, okay, so we had the titles, there was Harry, but then there was...


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[Assistant] It was, fuck my triple D slut wife.


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[Assistant] And also the cuckolding thing of like, humiliate me by fucking my wife and look at what a triple D slut she is.


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[Assistant] Is it maybe bang? It might be bang my triple D slut wife. Really? Yeah.


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[Assistant] F might be too harsh. Can I please turn the air up? I'm freezing. No, it's fine. It's distracting. My legs are freezing.


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[Assistant] You know what, back to your thing about attractive people, I was thinking about it, you're right, that a lot of them become like trainers, personal trainers. I was thinking about this.


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[Assistant] There's a trainer, my friend Mary Lynn showed me a picture of on Instagram and I was like, this guy's like perfect. Like you ever see somebody who's


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[Assistant] So attractive, just perfect that you're, I can't even look at your, it makes me uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] Well, it's just like that Cameron Dallas boy that we watch the Netflix show about. Like all those boys. By the way, I love their Instagram feeds because they're all really cute and that's all they do. And then they do meet and greets and they make a ton of money. But here's the best part on Instagram. You see what they're spending their money on.


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[Assistant] And right now it's like, here's my new Lamborghini with the, with the doors that come up or whatever, like DeLorean type. Here's my, this place I'm renting right now in the Hollywood Hills. And you're like, dude, you're renting, like, buy a house. Like they're renting these really expensive houses.


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[Assistant] No. I know, what are they gonna do when they turn 30? It's like...


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[Assistant] Can you imagine how painful that is? That is such a- that's also a very daunting clip cause it's like, is he liking it?


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[Assistant] Right, and, and I, I know. And we're supposed, here's the thing, is that we're supposed to be super tolerant of everybody's needs and emotional states, but at what point can we just be like, you know what, you're fucking mentally ill.


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[Assistant] Okay, you got problems, and you need to go see a shrink. Cause your head's fucked up.


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[Assistant] You're fuckin' weird. Why can't we just call people weird anymore? Or abnormal? Hey, guess what? Your psychology? It's abnormal. You're not normal.


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[Assistant] You wanna, you wanna amputate your arms to feel, uh, special and different? Yeah, go ahead.


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[Assistant] Well, if you're gonna amputate your arm, then donate it to a vet who just had his fucking arms blown off by an IED in Afghanistan.


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[Assistant] Now, I think we should go back to repathologizing these people.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know what I think the problem is, is that we don't institutionalize people anymore. I think Reagan deinstitutionalized a lot of the mentally ill in the 80s and since then, uh, the thought of putting somebody in a mental hospital is considered very taboo, but I think you should. I think there are people who need to be locked up.


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[Assistant] Who was a, uh, who went to fight for our country and had his, her arms and legs blown off and is sitting and listening to this fucking asshole.


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[Assistant] You know what, that's a great idea, is if you're gonna do it, you gotta do it, you gotta get like a wooden...


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[Assistant] What is that? Just like a cut-off tree, a stump in the backyard, an axe, and if you can do it, it's yours.


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[Assistant] Now, can I say also the other problem with today's society is that just because you feel something,


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[Assistant] Doesn't mean you have a legitimate right to act on every fucking impulse and feeling. There's a lot of feelings out there. Yea, yea.


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[Assistant] Right, or you sublimate those feelings through healthier outlets. So maybe, okay, I want to be an amputee. Well maybe how about not cut my arm off, but maybe I do art work about amputees, or I work with people with, you know.


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[Assistant] Well I'm just saying like, go in LA and get the shit beaten out of you. Or just wear like a Trump shirt in LA.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause once we moved from the, from Redondo to the house and then we were recording the show next to our son's nursery. So we didn't really want to have guests coming in and out of our baby's room essentially. So it's been a while.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought I saw the rope, and I was like, dude, he did not just...


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[Assistant] Cause I was like, oh, that's just a dumb kid. And then, now what made it not funny for you?


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[Assistant] You're able to put yourself in somebody else's shoes.


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[Assistant] And feel that pain. Can I tie a rope around your balls?


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[Assistant] The other day you were calling me from Oregon and you were on the, I was on the phone here at home. You were on the phone in Oregon and I was talking to you and I had to fess up.


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[Assistant] And I wish I had thought of that strategy of muting. I didn't even think of it.


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[Assistant] You were so excited, you know, you seldom show emotion or excitement.


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[Assistant] You know, I had a friend that every time we go night clubbing and high school and college, the minute we get to the club, she'd have to shit.


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[Assistant] Place to shit when there's lots of stalls, like a, you know, a Dodger game is fine.


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[Assistant] Airport's ideal for shitting, cause there's a lot of traffic in and out, it's quick, people make quick trips, you know?