[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She didn't experience the turn of him going bad, so her memories are good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin'. It's a really, it's a fascinating series. Uhm, I haven't seen the doc on him, the actual, I saw the scripted version, but the LA Times piece on him, if you ever want like a really good


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the podcast came from the journalist who wrote the story. I'm talking about, I read the story first. Like there was like a seven part story that's really well written that tells the whole story and it's fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I, what if that's how I got matched up? What if they were like, we got you your, your, your Indian bride?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my reaction to that tells me everything she needs to know, right? That's how those chicks are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is something I should, I'll probably have to say a number of times, but I found out, and this is actually a good thing, but I'm going to Australia in the New Year, and the shows that I had January 20th and 21st


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was gonna do two shows each day and they ended up moving me to a bigger theater. So they moved me to the Aware Super Theater. So if you had tickets to either show on the 20th, your show, your tickets are good for the one show now on the 20th. Does that make sense? And if you had tickets to either show on the 21st,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your tickets are good for the one show on the 21st, but we moved venues, we moved


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll handle your refunds if you can no longer go because of the new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time and venue. That's Sydney, January 20th and 21st of 2023. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't say it like, you had it, but don't say it, but I've been dying to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think I'm on the spectrum, Tom? You were almost there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say, hey, you know, I haven't seen you in a while and I've been coming and I, I just wanted to ask, because I've seen you so long, I realized I never ask, what are your pronouns? Okay. So you make it like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to, I, I realized I forgot to do this. It's almost like saying I've seen you for a while, I forgot to ask your name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I uhm, you know, I think the whole fun of a superhero is that it's a superhuman, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're super. I mean, Thor is not a regular dude. Superman, he's not a regular guy. He's a super man. He's not supposed to look like every other guy. He's supposed to look like basically unattainable. Like, because he's not a regular dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the second part of this that it gets tied to is like the idea that, you know, here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not everybody could get to that Hemsworth body. That's, that's true. But if you try, if people really tried to get Cripps Hemsworth's body, like if you were like, I want, I want to look like that. And you really put the, the time and the effort in to the nutrition and the diet with that being the goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you never got there, you'd be way better off than if you were like, I'm not gonna try to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were just like, I'm just not gonna try, that's fine. But if you go, I'm gonna try to look like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you fall short, you'd still look way better than you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It may trigger fat people who aren't happy that they're fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it might bum them out when they see somebody who's super hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be, it might make people sad that they're fat and not doing anything about it. That's the message here. Don't bum out these lazy fats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause I don't know, to me, I look at the super


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hero guy in these things and I go like, damn, look at that dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking incredible that he was able to trans, like to look like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, I recognize how dedicated he had to be to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. It's like, if you go to a bodybuilding, if you see bodybuilders on Instagram, right, you see them just posing, you're like, that person lives disciplined to look like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, you know, he just, he texts people to do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, it's great to feel good, you should feel good about, you should love yourself, it's important to love yourself, right? But this whole thing where we, where we lie about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is attractive or desirable? Like, what do most women, uh, react, like how do most women feel when they see a fit muscular guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are we gonna act like that's no longer true? That's what is attractive. It's like what do most men feel or see when they see a, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A swimsuit model, like a, well, uh, old school swimsuit model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying like, a round ass, a small waist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breasts, right? And you go like, oh look at this like, you know, quote perfect body. Like what do most men react to? They go, it's bang city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe 2022 Sports Illustrated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you're welcome to bring in some of that water and enjoy it yourself, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do not. I'm a fan of the mineral silica, which is uh, prominent in Fiji water. It does not exist in Evian. And the taste I find in Evian is much, much more favorable than that. You know who hates Evian? Who? His Asian genes. Really? Hates it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same strokes, different everybody. Uhm, here we go. How do you make, uhm, what is it? Kombucha?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoo. You know, it's been a while. Why don't we get to your stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, this is a really good video to explain, like, I don't care how hot a woman


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about, this is the exact video. If Margot Robbie was like this and she was like, you want to go have sex now? I'd be like, no. Done. I would like you to enjoy the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, for all the, like, for everything you can get behind in this world, for you, this to be like, this is the one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should do a, I think she would be blown away if somebody showed her the stats on how many women buy tampons, uh, you know, or how many times it's bought for a woman. She'd probably be like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And he said going out to restaurants is for the like, like the tools go out on the weekend. He's like, if you want good stuff at a restaurant, you go out like on Tuesday or Wednesday or something, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And he said the same thing about specials and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's just super flexible. She's been practicing that for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the position's pretty cool. I think it's pretty cool that she's capable of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a cheetah, just hanging out. And she's tickling his paws and his belly. Hehehehehe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friends got robbed one time. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was daytime by somebody saying, hey, can you break, uhm, a 50?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. And then as he was getting cash out, the guy like grabbed the cash, hit him and ran, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's more like the, you know, you said nothing to see here. It's more like if a stranger's ever like, uh, hey, do you? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did like it. This guy would be great to hear stories from. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, that's a, that is gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But everybody that I've, I've talked to people that have done this, they say that that decomp smell is like nothing. It's burned into your brain forever. Shit as bad as it is, you know, you've smelled it. You've smelled bad shit stuff and you kind of move on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, thank you again for watching and we'll see you guys soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I'm not a big fan of ketchup because it's basically just like weak hot sauce. Right, it's like sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could fuck with mustard, I could fuck with a good mustard, you know? Like a spicy brown mustard? Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, something good. Yeaah. A good mustard, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't really have steaks, except when I'm with y'all. I don't really eat steaks like that, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it considered a sauce, or a, uh, what is it, a fucking dressing? If you just put like oil and vinegar in the salad? Yeah, that's dressing. Is that what you do? Cause I guess that's as far as I go, yeah. Yeah, that's like the cleanest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I talk to you please, girl? Life feels like hell without a girlfriend. Someone to talk to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always think about to make me a better person and to bring the best out of me and to enjoy the best for every young years together. Go on adventures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's how you sign up for it. Yeah. Counting bites. Counting bites. Bad idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so great. That's fantastic. Yeah, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, Governor. I'm coming to London May 9th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I'm coming to London May 9th. One night only. One show at 21 Soho. Get your tickets now. ChristinaPOnline.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva mattress company. I've been talking about them for like a decade. Why? Because I freaking love them. I sleep every night on the Solair mattress. My favorite part is that it's got a nightlight like under the bed so when my kids sneak in and sleep with me, they don't stumble around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a lumenleaf. That's how diehard I am. I love this company because, uh, it's, everything is made organic cotton in the US of A. There are no ridiculous fees, so you can get like a king-size mattress


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a fraction of the cost of what other stores are trying to, you know, sell it to you, cause they have to pay for salespeople and the overhead of real estate, Soffa doesn't deal with any of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they can give you a quality mattress for way less. So trot out right now, go to sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Sotva purchase. Again, sotva.com slash the shit for $200 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like the gays. The logic is flawless. Being in love with your mom is much like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, just really try to go there with me. Imagine if you just never met Charo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one day you meet her and you find out she's your mom. Do you think you could fall in love with her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I saw this meme of this woman who was like, I just had this realization that everyone in my family has been inside of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, no, cause I don't, I don't, I don't like his personality in terms of how he treats women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I don't like how he treats women. I don't like how he goes about his business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you go. I would be so lured into my dad's thing. Because A, he's handsome as shit. He's European. He's charming. He's like fun time guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he kind of does what that guy was talking about in the last episode, where he's like, he isolates them. And then he's like, you're kind of fat. How come you're so fucking fat? Why don't you bring me something, a snack, something. And you're like, uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his, that's his strong suit, is that he does hustle. And he's very charming, I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I might fall for him, like, on an airplane ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I'm all old and yucky, are you gonna look at me the way you look at Charo? Do you know what I mean? Or like, because we're both old and sucky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you wouldn't, like, it's not gonna bother you as much when we're both old and shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I find that I have that as well, where I'm into my own age group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be why I have this thought in my head, cause I'm like, oh, is that universal to all men hate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so too, cause I don't, I can't see myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, having a meaningful relationship or even actually effing a younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's grow, it is, it is, especially when you become a parent and you're like, oh, that's my kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Austin, I would like you to know that very quietly, it's not even on my website, but it's kind of just for real fans only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm quietly working out a brand new hour. And if you want to be a part of that process, cause you need the audience to create funny material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come every Thursday, I'm gonna be doing every Thursday like 7 or 7.30pm in the Red Room. It's on Cap City's website, uhm, until June when we leave. Okay. And then come watch me work some shit out and then, uhm, Park West Theater in Chicago, Illinois, April 29th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turner Ball's room in Milk Jockey Jez Conson, April 30th, and then Charlestown, West Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Hollywood casino at Charlestown races, May 13th and then Comet Vax downtown in Dunbar, September 14th to 15th on 16th. ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets. Thank you for everybody who's been to my shows. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be like, hey Mark, thanks for fucking up that email. Like you, you always have to be like, hi, do you mind if, do you have a minute? Do you have a sec?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't like that soft, it's like, let's circle back, let's circle the wagons, and like, shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then those three colors mix and then they make all the colors? Did you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they mix together and they make all the colors. Bro, like I don't know basic stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But which one's the dot with the circle around it? Still don't remember. You don't remember that? It's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, people have tech DM'd me before and been like, Stupid, it's a fucking alligator, a crocodile doesn't exist in America. The difference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, okay, so, hold on. Okay, the crock is darker, you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna say it's a crocodile because of its snout. And its mouth looks all jankier. I feel like the mouths look crustier and jankier on a croc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause don't they survive in like, in, in harder climates like, like Australia and brackish water, which is my favorite word. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's darker and meaner looking. And he's got, he's missing an eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm never going to learn this. I feel like it's like algebra at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he so mad about? Some girl just dumped him. He doesn't mean it. I feel like that guy just, like you said, he's having a bad day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can tell when the camera is on people in the 90s, they're like, whoa, hey, I'm weird. And then now you're just like, uh, like you, you know what I mean? It's totally different. Like the girls are like, but in the 90s you were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? Yeah. So yeah, we should be used to it, but it's still intrusive as shit when you're drunk. I hate it when I'm drunk. There's a thing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's never your future husband. Um, I have a strict don't video me when I'm drunk policy. Do you want to know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shawna's wedding, you didn't come with me, you were working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they put out a fireworks tower. And I'm so fucking hammered. And her stepdad recorded me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How stoked I was to see Fireworks. I'm so embarrassed. Fireworks are cool, man. I know, but it's bad. Like I kinda wanna get the audio from Shauna just to play how fucking retarded I sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or dancing? We were all dancing drunk on tequila. I look so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like you think in the moment that you're just being normal, you think you look cool, and then you watch yourself back and you're like, dude, I'm such an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that person took video, you dick, you know, I feel like betrayed, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that her stepdad took that footage of me. It's very embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You don't want the mirror. Guys, we're all letting loose. That's the premise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Missing the syrup for your pancakes or just ran out of your favorite coffee creamer with DoorDash grocery delivery, you can get what you want right when you need it. You've trusted DoorDash to deliver your restaurant favorites and now you can get grocery delivery that actually delivers too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With thousands of grocery stores to choose from, you'll find the best in your neighborhood and boost your local economy with each and every order. You'll get exactly what you ordered and will make it right. So sit back and enjoy quality groceries just like you picked them yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With easy substitutions right in the app and best-in-class customer support, DoorDash delivers groceries exactly how you want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 50% off your first DoorDash order, up to a $10 value when you use code YOURMOM at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Limited time offer, terms apply, that's 50% off up to $10 on a $15 minimum subtotal and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YOURMOM. Don't forget, that's code YOURMOM for 50% off your first order with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! Nadav cannot gamble anymore. His life is at stake, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I really do hope Eni wins just so that I can see him go to Turkey for this hair transplant. It's really exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Okay. He's got a clear handicap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I, may I take this opportunity to urinate really quickly? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then what prompted Eni to be like, should I do 21? Like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember. Cause I was like, dude, did he just, what's that when you gripped somebody? When you fake that you're shitty at something? I knew that he didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so goddamn handsome. This guy is like, uh, unreal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could do that. You look dope. And you gotta wear the chains too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you just, hold on, you just blew my mind. You're right, most people, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jazz and scat. And he's, he doesn't hierarchy, there's no hierarchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he's like? Like on Love on the Spectrum, when they just say what they like. Now why don't they list their sexual proclivities to autistics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't think New York City is a good place for a blind person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be the greatest of all time. I mean, your Rubber Paul Champagne, the Piss On Me, Beat Me video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] akin to like an ape and not a kink, it's not a kink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I would hope that as a shit enthusiast as well. I don't enjoy hearing other people's, but I like poopy humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the past, every cool guy we've had, if you look at this hall of people, it's always sexual. Except for putt play, which is never sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always sexual with dudes. If this was a woman, I could possibly go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a racket. It's his way. It's like, you know what it is, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is a huge topic on YMH. You wanna go into the Twitter thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, we, you know, we've been trying to get Tom to come in space. We have been tweeting NASA, Elon Musk. Backspace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do astronauts come in space? And more importantly, can we get Tom to come in space?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From what I've seen of Elon, Elon I know you have a great sense of humor. I think that no one at Twitter has actually shown him the footage of us discussing this. And I don't think he's aware. I want to blame his staff and his employees for suppressing this information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, this article we found how astronauts masturbate in space. Okay, officially it says nobody has ever had sex in space, but what about solo sex? It's not something NASA has ever been particularly keen to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they only tolerate heterosexual normal clean activities. Russian cosmonaut, Alexander Lavaikin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his memoir, Astronaut, Mike Mullane, so astronaut, that's an American, writes that at one point he had, quote, an intense, sorry, quote, an erection so intense it was painful. Adding that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He quote, could have drilled through kryptonite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is very interesting guys, this is a health, a health issue and could destroy the mission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of a SpaceX flight, if not properly dealt with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we've confirmed that this astronaut, Mike Mullane, up here has masturbated in space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With NASA advisor Marjorie Jenkins concluding that prolonged exploratory travel would benefit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're telling me that morning wood in space is so ferocious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a super big problem. You could destroy the mission if you get- What do you fucking do if you get bacteria in your penis and you have an infection? It's not like you're going to the doctor in space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, isn't that cool? There's people cheering. They're like, that's her con.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or go into the depths of the ocean, like the darkest part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Look at- their heads always look like they're just so full of blood. They're always upside down. It's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're just compressed. Like don't you just fucking just get squished from pressure? Dude, I hate it. I hate both options.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, what is down there? It's just all alien stuff too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, however, you don't run the risk of, like, being thrown into oblivion. Like, let's say you're on the space shuttle, and you get sent out to fix something on the wing of the ship or whatever, and you're tethered, and let's say that tether just, and then you're just, uh, you're just floating off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just gone. At least with that you're in a vessel and you can go to the top and you can breathe air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. Do you think that they see dead a-dead astronauts when they're out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So scary. And you know what's a trip to is that they go and they see sunrise and sunset multiple times a day. Did you, did you catch that bit where they're like, oh, there was a sunrise and you just get over it? That's terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's bananas. Space is terrifying. Do you think we ever truly will become an intergalactic race? The human race?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like do you think in 200 years we'll be like Star Wars where we planet jump and stuff? I mean that's what Elon's trying to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this, who lives the longest? Let's do that, that's a more pleasant bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could I, could I tell you something though? Eni's one of those people that's also a genetic anomaly. He's got that cockroach DNA where like he doesn't have to shit like everybody else. He doesn't have to eat like everybody else and his health is good. He might outlive all of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you might. But I do think if you and I make it to 70, we should start smoking cigarettes again. Yeah. Because I feel like I gave that up when I was 30, and that is the one habit I regret giving up. You're a Mr. Stein. It sucks that I can't smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, look, it does depend on when you get diagnosed and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like from 70 on, those years are just blessings and just fucking drive that train into the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like who cares? You're not living your best life in your 70s. You're just kind of existing. So you may as well smoke and do drugs and have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then maybe there's a group of people that only fuck other seven year olds. Like we were saying earlier, isn't that interesting? The show always goes full circle for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then at that, at that point, you and I should swing because our kids are grown, you know, who cares if you fall in love with somebody else in our seventies? You are, we're all going to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know I've heard the articles that old people be fucking, you know that in the retirement homes. They fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to be in a home, just have nurses at my house. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how fucking boring other people are? Imagine how boring they are in their 70s when it's all small talk all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard enough to find people to relate to in your 40s, let alone your 70s, my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on an airplane and I saw like a younger guy with an N95. I'm like, oh, do you have an active COVID infection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how it came up in therapy, like fucking forever ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I was telling my therapist, I'm like, yeah, I see people wearing a mask around me. And she's like, is that be, and I go, is it because they are afraid of catching my disease or something? And she's like, no, what if they, they're sick and they're trying not to get, and it changed my perception.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a courtesy, which is really nice. Yes. So I'm wondering, are people who are wearing masks now, are they actively in a COVID infection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hurts. So if you're doing that for a three hour, four hour flight, like you're really committed to your mental illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you're, you should be like in chemotherapy and you're trying not to get sick and I understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see, when I see white people wearing the comfortable mask, I immediately am like, you fucking cunt. You're my friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop. Just everywhere? Like planes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your anxiety is too high. You shouldn't leave the house. And here's the thing, as someone that is anxious, has anxiety in the past, if you're that anxious about getting COVID, stay home. He wore it in his house. Stay home. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where we just recently, like six months ago, I walked in and they're all masked up and they're like, wear a mask. And I was like, I'm not coming in here. I don't have a mask anymore. I'm done. I've had COVID like three times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not an anti-mask person. I wore it everywhere. I did it. Yeah. I did what was good for the community until it was kind of, now it's absurd. It's like, guys, we've controlled this. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I go with the program. I'm not like anti-vax or like I'm compliant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, fuckin' a- Oh, yo! So I want you to listen to this. I played this one where my mom's at. This cat is talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Eni has some theories as to what the cat is saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want you to listen and tell me what you think this cat is saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's this whole, this whole lane of TikToks I'm really into, cats talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this person's TikTok, it didn't, it said originally the cat was saying, wait, so you hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hear. Do you want to play the full clip? Close your eyes and listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you guys pull that up? It's a TikTok. It's out there. Let's play it cause it's really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty good. But could you imagine training your cat? I mean, I didn't know cats could talk, but they do now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that guy's just super stoked about that pizza, but if I'm looking correctly, I see pineapple on it, which is disgusting. I don't think he should be that excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, remember my friend Shane when he was visiting from Canada? Remember how he told us that like, um, Hawaiian pizza is very popular in Canada. Very popular. It's like their jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Despise. Cause it's not like they're using fresh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Davidgold7135 on TikTok in case you're interested. So just so you know, the one that we played of him shirtless blew up for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it did. And of course, you know, he's like, yeah, the shirtless one. That's like, he has no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be that stringent with your day off. Be fat and happy lad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got the tattoo up under her chin. This is what it looks like to get it filled in. So they use a fatter needle that's got like five little needles and that's how they black out your skin. It's tremendous, it looks tremendously painful and stressful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, doesn't it fade over time? Like black?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am shocked that 83 grams of sugar is in a mocha frappuccino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many, how many grams of sugar in like a Snickers? That's like two Snickers, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fat bomb, it is not healthy for you, but did anybody think that it was healthy? 400 semi-calories in the venti mocha frappuccino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhmm. And then Google how many sugar gra-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not the one you're gonna get. How many grams of sugar are in like a Snickers bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like eating two Snickers, no? 20 grams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's 20 times three times almost four Snickers bars, three and a half Snickers bars. That's crazy, dude. In a drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the frappuccino itself is basically yoohoo. It's yoohoo. And it's yoohoo mixed with ice and coffee at starbucks at fartbucks. And then you add in the chocolate and that makes it a mocha. It's really gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember making vats of it. Don't want to be a crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Hello Christine, how's it going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stubble is like 2-3 days. Like little dots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, the vote was taken, I lost the vote, so. By law, I have to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom would say, that's the way the cookie rolls. That's the way the cookie rolls. And we would go, that's not the expression actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't hear it a lot. You don't hear it a lot in like, conversation, but it is a proper...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep selling out, selling out. Uhm, I'm on tour, uhm, if you want to check it out, I'll be in Latin America, uhm, I will be in, uh, Chile, I will be in, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where? I'll be in Lima, Peru, Mexico City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm beginning a new residency in Las Vegas at the Chelsea at the Cosmopolitan. That's March 17th and 18th. And then I go to Europa. Uhm, and I'm starting it all off where your folks are from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Budapest. And Budapest. And then I go all over Europa. Uhm, so if you want to come to a show, go to TomSeguro.com slash tour. I'm hitting a bunch of spots and uhm, that's in April and May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks very much. We got some, some big ones in Glasgow, London and Dublin and Manchester. So come on out, come see your show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm going to be completely out of cum after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that that would actually move tickets or inspire the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be a fun social media thing to get into. Have you come yet? Where are you coming? Are you coming right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think uh, it might be fun to be like, you know, we have some monuments here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. Alright, well let's uh, let's kick off the show. Let's open it up the right way. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, that's a pretty cool clip. It's a guy who's being questioned by police. And that's the great thing about modern day technology. Everyone has a camera and he's recording the police as they're recording him. And they're asking him, you know, obviously, and he's just like, I'm not gonna go along with any of this because that officer is short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder, I wonder what the call was. He made reference to a porno. I wonder if they were like, there's a loud porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's also just chilling in his own living room. Like, what could they possibly be in there? Three officers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are people who don't mind sleeping in like a mid


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need, I've always been like, I need a blackout room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For years, I, I obviously, you get a variety of rooms, you know, if you travel a lot, right? Some have like, and I hate when there's any light. So I used to take t-shirts. That was my thing. I would take a t-shirt and lay it over my eyes. I used to want any light. I can't really sleep that well without it. So I started getting sleep masks and there are,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a wide variety of them, and the one that I got recently you gave me has a little bit of weight to it. It's like a weighted sleep mask. That's the best one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you need to sleep better, like some people sleep with earplugs in because they're sensitive to sound. I mean like, just whatever you need to sleep better. I don't understand how it's considered bougie to block out light. Like I just want a dark room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there's some of them, some of them have uhm, if you put cooling, like if you like that feeling, I've had that before, cooling, like it has like a gel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in, in it, so it has like that soothing feeling. So you don't feel too warm with it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, it's uhm, it makes a difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but all I did for 15 years, I feel like I literally would go, I'm on the road. I'm working some club week. And what happens is, you know, I've been through this routine for people, but what usually would happen is you land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Late at night on a day, like the day before the week starts, so Wednesday night. Thursday night they pick you up for radio, and they're picking you up at like 5 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go and do radio and then you have a big gap and you're exhausted because you, you flew and you got, so now you're, you're having to take your nap in the, like you need one midday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're in these shitty comedy condos or whatever. A lot of times the room, it looks like this. I know. And this is as dark as it gets. So that's what I would do. I would find anything to cover my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I used to use t-shirts. I would literally put a t-shirt over my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what would block the light up. I understand. I mean, they're making a device for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insane. Uhm, do you want to introduce this very cool image that we have here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something I never told you before? I always thought this was a major red flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. I really was like, oh. Because the two things, like, when I met you, I thought you were a prostitute on Sunset. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw this, I was like, oh, confirmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, one other thing I should, we have another update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] David Walter, the weatherman in Erie, Pennsylvania, sent in a video. He accepted the challenge to play me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those of you who don't know, uhm, I put out a challenge to play him one on one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After he said that if we played he would destroy me, and uh, he said it would be total destruction by him. And he posted this, he sent this in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sandbagging? Could be. I don't know. I really don't know. That makes it more interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes it more interesting that he could be like totally goofing. Hustling you. I don't know. I really don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it would be funny if he's sandbagging this, if he was just like, I look like I don't play ball at all. And he's like, I'm actually really good. I don't know. But I actually, I actually uhm, uh, I think it's actually really cool that he has embraced the challenge. And I think, I think it'll be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uhm, I understand why, but, you know, I'm taking some precautions. Yeah, I'll share them with you. I'll take, I'll take some precautions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready? Fuck. Ready? Yeaah. No attempted dunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and also, right before we take a quick break here, I think we should, uhm, encourage people to do what I've been doing at Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, and other drive-thrus, but mostly Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say I love you to the barista or the person taking your order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a nice thing I think for them, for you. It's good energy. You know, they always say like, you know, pay it forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go, nitro cold brew. A little ice in there, a little splash of oat milk. You know, like anything else? I'm like, that's it. Thank you. I love you. And then I pull up. Such good times. Love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. If you do and I love you at a drive through, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send it in. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could go anywhere. Do you wanna, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just say, well, like you're with the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really my motivation. The second you said it, I was like, I don't want to look at you at four. I'll take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reveals something about like, where your mind goes and what you think, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'll say this, that was my immediate thought. And I also thought about, I also did think about, oh god, how miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, you know, I did consider, I was like, that means I'm going to feel a certain way, mentally, physically. It is going to be terrible. It's more than mental torture. But I was like, well, if I look at you, ugh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say this, I'll reveal this, it was an immediate reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can lose it. So for somebody out there that's listening that's, you know, two or three or four, whatever weight you are, I mean, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is something about weight, is that you can do something about it. But my immediate reaction was, yeaah, it was a selfish one. It was just that I, you know, that's where my mind went. I was like, well, my spouse is 400, I don't wanna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you could do? What? Just like leave him in a pool or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're at the beach like we saw that one, just let the ocean kinda take care of it, you know? The ocean gives and the ocean takes, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was actually not fit. He was just very thin. He had like just a very thin frame. He had like, it wasn't a muscular guy. Just the kind of guy. That guy's really skinny. If you saw that guy, you'd be like, what a thin, a thin guy. Not any definition. No shape to him. Just like a pole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she was laying in the water at the shoreline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He scurried over and it took everything he had just to get her from laying down to just seated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool. Good of, yeaah. So wait, what's your vote? Nadav?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have an update or not yet? Yes. We have an update. Uh huh. Oh my God, we have an update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and now, finally, to put it to rest, we have asked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, you don't know, but we've agreed that whatever he says is the final word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he or did I, did you or did I burp first? That's what we're debating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the difference. We were all, everybody was having their own debate, people were weighing in online and on social media, and then all of a sudden, we decided to ask a professional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with our hugely wildly popular guest. If you love roller skating, you know these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it is crazy to me that your, your sport, uh, both of your sports, you're also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, it's a sport where you have to admit, like, most people don't know a fucking thing about it. Myself included. I mean, like, what I know about it is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, to see that like somebody could do it, or do it for the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I always think it's gotta be a fascinating thing for someone to be, um, a reference. In other words, somebody jumps on a skateboard, you go, okay, Tony Hawk, like to, to like, you know what I mean? Like if, if somebody shoots a bat and you go, okay, LeBron, like you're a reference to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Now how do you, like, you guys are, how would you say, have slightly different personalities, and, and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even like with the partying aside, like as your profile grew, right? And, and this is something that I think happens to anybody that has great success. Like, was it ever hard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it something you really had to focus on to stay driven to be, you know, great or be the best? Because people get complacent when they get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about, we'll get into some sex stuff here, but let's talk about injuries, because we had a fun short chat out front, uhm, because, well, you and I have some well documented injuries, and I know you definitely do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just for people that, I mean, breaking a femur is considered the most serious of all the limbs you can break. That is a big time break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this happened, like, for those of us, like, don't know exactly, are you airborne and then landing on this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the closest you got to that, to pulling one off? Did you ever get pretty close?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, but it's probably, this is where there's like a real comparison to it is that there's no way you're gonna nail it if you haven't put in the reps. In other words, there's, you know, there's bad specials, like objectively bad ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bombing is such a empty, it's hard to describe bombing, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That voice never goes away though. First of all, bombing is possible at every level of stand-up and the voice that you hear after it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're 20 years in is the same voice that's two years in. It's, it is still an empty, dark, awful feeling and the only redemption is the next set where you do well. There's no other way to get over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long has it been now? Since you haven't written?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, this is a perfect segue, I have to tell you this. You know that Bart, who you did the Two Bears podcast with. Yes. He told, like, he, like, we're best friends, we love to fuck with each other. He tells me, he's like, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what? He's like, I told Tony that you wanted his approval.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yes, I, yes, I showed him and I'm like, huh? He goes, I know you wanted me to show him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You surfing to see if you look cool. And I'm like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a, like, he did, like, just to, because yea, you can only do this to your friend. He did a similar thing where he played Green Bay on tour, like a month or two before me, met Aaron Rodgers, and then I was going to Green Bay, and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on the phone, texting, voice to text. He goes, Aaron, Tom is hounding me. Can he please have your number? I'm like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, he's like, yea, all day, he's Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. I was like, you motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's outdoors. And it's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would, will, what happened to you? Would that injury affect at all training, uhm, outside of a park? Meaning like, weight training and stuff? Like would, is that something you think about more since then or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what year did the game come out? The first year? 99. But did you have, like, at least any, was there any anticipation that this would be a hit? Were you like, this is just something? No. None? No. I mean, I knew that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you just look into your camera and tell Burt, hey man, you're a nice guy, you can suck me off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a thing. All you're saying is you're a nice guy and therefore you can suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I wanna show you, cause you know, we play a lot of clips. We've talked about our own accidents and injuries. We have a number of uh, just, we call them horrible or hilarious clips. And we just show you some, like a clip, and you just tell us whether you think it's funny or, you know, sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to fall off that. Do you want to show them this? Oh my gosh. Let's not tell them what it even was. Sure, sure, go ahead. This is just for you guys. This is not an accident or anything like that. This is actually just, we want you guys, uh, I actually was going to show you about three more deaths, but let's jump ahead to, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This image, uhm, and could you? You got a lot of tats. Yeaah. Do you know what this is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a, at a glance, that looks like a lovely timepiece. Can I see it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I just, I mean, I just noticed it, and so, sometimes the pores get mad when they watch, but this is really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got one in April. He backed out. Lewis J. Gomez. What do you mean? Cause Lewis J. Gomez, uh, for people that don't know, is a comedian from New York, has a skankfest and that whole network. I mean, I don't know him well, but I mean, I always cheer for like comedians that built, I think he's built something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty awesome. Yeah, me too. I think it's awesome. And I know that he fought somebody else. Yeah, at my event at Ellis Manning. Oh, was that, was it at your event? I didn't know that. So what happened to your guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you this, the fights aren't good for your comedy mind, I don't think. Yeah, I agree. Meaning like, just getting hit, and I don't think it's good mentally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As somebody, as somebody that seems to have, I imagine just endless sex stories, do you have, like, when somebody goes like, hey, you know, most people, if you say, what's the wildest thing, they go, they pull like one or two things in their mind that they're like, that was pretty crazy that time we were in a parking lot and we, you know, in the back,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have that thing in your head that when somebody goes, what's the craziest sex story of your life that stands out or it's just, it's too many cluttered together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what's the most inappropriate answer? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy that you're talking about, this is made, this is like on everyone's IG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But somebody said that it might be an infection. No. No, you'd be dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this thing is like, it looks pretty wild, man. And you're saying that, there he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did a great job. You really did. This is recorded too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Looks like leaves. Looks like some leaves there. Maybe some like, rose or some shit. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the easiest decision of my life. Yea, it'd be her for sure. Her for sure? Same reason as yours. I ain't looking at that. Come on, man. Wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As yours, you Tom. Wait, I chose to be it, so I didn't have to- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you know what? What am I- I'm stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me. Me 100%. You, okay. Cause I ain't gonna look at that. Gotcha. That's just reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, the men I've lived with are cleaner than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like, uh, like Luke Bryan, the, uh, the, uh, country singer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's like, the biggest country star. Isn't it crazy to live in a country like this, where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's 330 million people and you feel like you're dialed in on, you know, pop cult, like whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we see this guy going like, is he, is he down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when cable started, it wasn't that many options. But now, it's kind of cool because, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we have a following and a level of fame, right? Like some people obviously know us and I'm sure most people don't and they'd be like, you do what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What up? Shout out to SO7L. What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Parasocial relationship is one that like a fan has with like a celebrity or an entertainer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get invested, right? So something happens to this person and they're affected by it. Well, it's a parasocial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do like the, uh, the top earning athletes list and it'll be so many soccer players. Oh, right. Unless you are, and there are obviously a lot of soccer fans, but it's not like the rest of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and then we're just like completely disconnected from that. Unless you are a passionate soccer fan, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, but here's the thing, you leave this country, that is the first thing that is reported on always when it comes to sports. Always, always, always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I did my semester in Madrid, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could not find other sports news. You couldn't. You'd have to like, go online and seek out like, uh, websites to find. They didn't report on anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he's just retired. Uhm, what is his name? Ian Isavich? The guy he played for the, I think he's a Swede by, uhm, birth and he went to, uhm, he played post-retirement with LA Galaxy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's a fucking... Oh my god, we gotta find him. I know there's a million people screaming his name right now. But he, um, he, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the cockiest. That dude's fun to watch, right? Like he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, nope, nope. How about maybe Swedish, uhm, right? Famous Swedish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that dude in an interview is hilarious. Because he's like, there is God and there is me. Like shit like that. Like, he's, he's fantastic. Like that's fun to have a player that's that uhm, cocky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. We got away from it, but okay. I like that. This is uhm, hold on, I gotta find this because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I want to say my apologies to Frankie Quiñones, who was here recently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's last name I mispronounced multiple times. No one called me out, including Frankie. He was very, you know, sweet and polite and could have said something and I wish he would have, but he didn't. And the reason that I mispronounced his name is because it was written incorrectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the profile that I had for our guest, we get little profile breakdowns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was written that way. Do you know who prepared that profile for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kind of over that, like I was, I mean it's embarrassing obviously. It's out there and everybody's like, why'd you say his name wrong? I'm a fucking idiot. Like, no. Uhm, and then I come in today and I'm like, hey, can I get some water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, which gets me to this, you guys went and saw Top Gun 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did. And you enjoyed it, right? As a staff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't seen the film yet, but I'm just saying this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fifth time you talk about the film, you say it's got these hard dicks in it. I don't think that- I love it. I don't think that they're in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you might like it a lot. That's right what you're looking for. Uhm, so with that being said, you guys are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your fans of the film, and then you came up with, like, call names for each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what are your names for, what do you call each other? What are your new call signs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a certain confidence that comes with being properly groomed. There's an aura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A vibe. You can just tell by the way they carry themselves. We call this B G E. Big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Groomed energy. There's only one way to get that BGE. With manscapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'd like to introduce you to their best and biggest ultimate hygiene bundle yet. The Platinum Package 4.0. The Platinum Package 4.0 covers all bases, from trimming to showering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To leaving the gym smelling nice. This is the best bang for your buck. I gotta tell you, I was not blessed with a huge black cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have a regular white guy dick. But when it's trimmed, it's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping with the code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With free shipping at Massscape.com and use the code MOMUNLOCK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your big groomed energy with Manscaped. And remember, when you trim the hedges, the trees stand taller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sixty, I mean it's maybe like fifty-nine, six, but isn't that great? It's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually truly does look better now than like when he was like, he's like 22 in that other picture, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what level shit he gets done that like is not even accessible to the general public. He's doing all kinds of crazy shit. You know what I mean? Like when he calls his doctor and he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Uhm, so, just to remind you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady starts off, she's a hustler, right? And she's like, oh, when you meet a guy, listen to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit up a doctor and be like, do you know anything about, and see if he will, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple, a couple dates in, if someone's asking for stuff, it couldn't be more clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you really wanna, you know, like have fun with somebody like that, like if they're like, God, you know, my car insurance, you should be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just give them all that, uhm, just see them be like, yeaah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, she's a sociopath. You cannot get this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can like isolate, you can put her in an environment where she could do less damage, you know, but this person...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I mean, like a lion or a cheetah, everybody assumes that those animals attack


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's, she's playing the, she likes to play mind games and she's kind of trying to break down that she is a real manipulator. So she might not be like communicating it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best way, but I understand what she's, she's implying, you know, she would,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would get to know you. She wouldn't be like this. She'd be sweet and like sexy and fun. She'd be laughing, smiling. She'd be flirty. She'd be trying to seduce you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. She would, she would do that. It would be full seduction, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would also listen, like if she would try to get you to speak, so try to get you to share information and she's retaining all the information so that she can pick the thing to push at, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he'd have to be, he'd have to be a whale for her to want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People out there that like, first of all, like you have to have access to somebody like that. To nerds, yeaah. Yeaah, then the nerd has, if he's that successful, he has tons of options.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just going, she's like a, you know, she's your typical gold digger basically. But she's like, instead of caving it to herself, she's making posts about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like latch on to him, but she probably doesn't meet those men, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll just want to say this right away. I think you're a bad person, but I like your tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, anyway, cool chick, big fan. Uhm, you traveled recently this weekend. I did. You had big shows and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing you pointed out is that your pants


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, no better compliment in the world, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I, I do. I fly commercial sometimes. Yeah, last year I did a couple of times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in Vegas, the equivalent basically, the one everybody talks about is the Wynn buffet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing, and here's the deal, man. Here's the fucking deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta have a high price point. I think it's what makes it high quality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously it doesn't like keep people out, like there's a line there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it raises the bar on everything. And it's top quality stuff. I haven't been in a while, but I did go to that. That was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your shows generally, you have one show a night for about five of the nights and the show is usually like at ten. So you have all fucking day to sit in a Vegas casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get to like day three and day four and day five and you're like, Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The R.I.V.E. I did the S.A.N.S. I did the T.R.O.P. I did, uhm, I did Harrah's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did. So many of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the way they get you by the way, cause like most times when you're working as like an upcoming comedian, most of your weeks are like Thursday through Saturday or Thursday through Sunday, right? So it's like three nights, four nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just always take it cause it was work. It was like I'm going to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually did take a cruise ship. Like there's always this thing about cruise ships with medians. I accepted the offer and uhm, something happened. Like I forget what happened but something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, threw it off, you know. Yeah, I do remember. This is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I forget why, why it came up. But yeah, I mean, I would have done that gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What age do you think you'll sign the, uh, fuck it, like form?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's old. I thought you were gonna do it before that. So you'll work until then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fight the fight. I meant, no. Put in the effort to like, try to maintain. You think of 80? 80's when you just go in the towel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do something like real crazy when I'm 80. I think I'll make it. Like, you know, by that time the boys will be like, what's up with, what's up with this will, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be like, how much was this? I'm like, pretty much the whole fucking thing. There's not much left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of grades did you get? Yeaah. Hope you have a good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is fucking one of the coolest things is like, uh, eating, like eating through like a, like a real, you know, like a death, like grievance eating is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if people are like, what, what are you eating? You're like, my husband died. And then you're just like, just eating like crazy of 5,000 calorie meals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just shovel like foie gras and they're like, oh god. Like they feel their system slowing down, they're like woof. And you're like, there's gonna be a lot more of that. And it's just like every meal it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cheese and bacon and pork and, you know what I mean? Wagyu, A5 Wagyu beef and they're just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, nothing better. And the fact that we, we like, you know, stigmatize this in our society is so silly. It's stupid. Like people wanna fucking bust a nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let them do it with like, let them pay for it. What is the fucking problem? What is the problem? Really? I don't know what the problem is. Regulate it. Especially if you're consenting. Regulate it. Test it. Keep it safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pass like this and they hit the button and it slingshots you out in the ocean, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's gotta be something on the way in that kinda calms you, right? Like you have to have debauchery for like six days and on the seventh day there's like a prayer circle or something to be like alright, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Day seven is like steam, sauna, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snookers are there, but like, they're like, do you want, but maybe like day 7 you're like, I'm done coming, I don't have anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the hookers take off their makeup and you're like, oh no. And that's when you start crying more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it would be, yea, you want that like, type of experience to, you know, reflect


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no feelings. I think you're talking about a place in uh, Jamaica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is actually, not to, you know, make this about this, but that is a great advertisement for that wheelchair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a wheelchair with a towing capacity of a few thousand pounds. Yeaah. It's impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, do you think he sold it? And he was like, alright, I'll bring it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any policeman sees this, it's a, it's a wrap for that dude. They're gonna be like, detect yourself from the boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A man was, uh, toying with a lion, uhm, on the other side of a fence. He was touching the lion through the fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a grown, full-sized lion, male lion, and uhm, and then his finger got stuck in the lion's mouth, and it looks like he may have lost one of his digits, I think, when he pulled free there, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there, his foot is completely on another level right there, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. Uhm, thanks to everybody that has purchased, in any form, hardcover ebook or audiobook. I'd like to play alone, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My book, I appreciate all the messages and I am very, very thrilled that so many people have gotten it. I appreciate it. Uhm, please, if you haven't yet purchased it, please consider doing so. Recommend it to a friend. I uhm, I really appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said something to the effect of like, you're gonna have to come up with some new shit, we're getting tired of this old shit. And that guy, who knew his shit was old,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't do these, and he was double burdened. I'm giving him the double burden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, check this shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he tried to do something a little more advanced. And I think he landed on his head and possibly knocked himself out. At which point a onlooker just ran away. I think I described it correctly, am I wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhm, yeaah, that part was pretty amazing. Like this dude's like, man, you need some new shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, he's fucking, he knocked himself out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a silly thing. Ego. That's why. Right then he was like, fuck you. I'm gonna do some wild shit right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. And finally, the final Horrible or Hilarious of today. Cause so far we have three hilarious ones. That one's hilarious. Yep. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, these might be life altering injuries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He stood off the right side, but his left or his right leg foot was probably still in, so he was dangling. And the horse ran alongside a wall and just slammed him full horsepower into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why? Because they're fucking animals. Yeah, they're animals bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And the fucking lion guy, the saddest part of his injury is that they had to put down that lion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the saddest part, that they had to put down that line that I loved. And I'm back at it, I'm back at my cat park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about you save your other arm? Yeah, she's an impressive, impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'll still, uh, shoot hoops, but I ain't jumping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Course. I think they think they're doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that deserves applause by doing that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, took my dong and went wrooow, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of piss and shit in there. It was pretty cool I think. And we had those cool neighbors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was funny because one time the toilet got clogged and so the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, you know, the building maintenance sent out, like, said, you know, called the plumber. They came out and they're like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, let's be clear, they weren't Americans, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't get a cold, I had like wild, wild diarrhea, stomach shit, a lot of fucking terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I would go to Peru a lot as a kid, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First thing, like, you know, they always take care of the gringos, you know? It's like family, they're like, do not drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not touch the water, don't touch the ice. You know, if we, if they were cooking something that was prepared with like, they're like, that's fish, you can't eat the fish, the fish was from the water, you'll die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be like such sensitive systems, you know, and then down there, it's just fucking like they eat rocks or something. We're just like, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, inevitably, at some point in your trip, you'd eat something, you were like, uh-oh, and it would just take you down for a couple days, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that I fucking, when I went to, I went to Budapest on my last tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I land, I go out to dinner, I have chicken papadakash, and the next morning I'm like, ugh. And it wasn't the papadakash, it was the, I caught that bug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucked me up. It's the only time I've done stand-up where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was throwing up during the day, I got to the venue and I threw up at the venue and I was like, I think I might throw up on stage. Like, I don't know how I should do this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's crazier that when I was 14, first of all, my parents sent me to Peru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unaccompanied adolescent. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're just put me on a plane, like I'm at the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm just like, I hope my uncle's here when I get to Lima.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. And then at 14, when I'm there, 13 turning 14,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, this is a big summer of The Shining Path, uh, just blowing shit up in Lima. And one night, they packed 2,000 pounds into a taxi of dynamite and drove it into a building. And that fucking shockwave was so immense that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we felt it in the house when I was in, a window crashed open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called my parents that next day and I was like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a crazy terrorist attack here last night, and they were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, do I need to come home? They're like, nah, you're fine. I'm like, why aren't you worried? They weren't worried. At all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went with my uncle to, there's a city called Ayacucho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Peru, which is like a more, um, rural, indigenous, and it was the headquarters where the Shining Path would congregate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He brought me there and we had armed, armed escorts, but I don't mean like a bodyguard. I mean, a vehicle with soldiers with guns in the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A vehicle with soldiers gun in the back, multiple police in front and back, and I'm like, this feels...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real crazy, and they're like, yeah, your uncle's a target. And I'm like, why am I here with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what happens is like 30 years later, you know, bring that up to my parents and they're like, probably, probably could have done that better. What the fuck are you talking about, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well all this is bringing me to this point. Uhm, it's finally, we have an update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, first of all, you just... This is a real misdirect, you know? Real curveball. Because, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think that she is the type to do this. You know what I mean? Like, she just looks like it's gonna be- It looks like it's like, uh, some, like, nice kid's mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I like to put cream cheese on my, yea, a lot of people do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, and then she's like, I gotta, I gotta crazy fart right here. And then goes right back into her fucking video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because you know what it is? She is, uhm, a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just tell you how they do, like, this one would just tell you how you should do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I, you know, there's no way I would live with someone who you would give me a speech about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I do think- Oh, I wouldn't either. I can't. Yeah, get the fuck outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably the flossing on the ground. Because like, even before the show picked up on that, it was like a thing. You know, I used to be like, oh, there's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the flip side is I also am not somebody, I don't lecture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't like lecturing people, like when you visit someone, even if you're a guest in someone's house and they're like, start telling you how they do things, I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Like, I just let people do what they do. Like, you know, there's basics obviously, like don't fucking put your feet on the table, shit like that. But like, you know, other than that, like I don't really care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you doing? Wearing a shirt and no collar. Where's your dog collar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no one even knows what you are when you don't wear that collar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this current or old? No, it's old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this muscle might be? This might be like some real NRE. Like maybe it's, you know, they're a year in, they're just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they're feeling it, you know? Yeaah. And it's like, they just, it's just like, play the bass and I'll scat. Though the real thing, here's the thing, it's not that crazy, hear me out. To do really anything with another person that you enjoy, it's crazy to let it get filmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's actually, I think it's not even what you're saying. I don't think it's that she doesn't know what cool is. I think it's when you drink too much of like your cool-aid of like, oh I'm a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fucking, you know, sexy actress. And things like, this is cool. She's probably realizing that it's not cool as she's doing the interview. She's like, fuck, should I have let them shoot that? You know what I mean? That's when she's putting it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I know what I would have done too. I would have just been like, can you do that again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I was a teenager, I was 15. Yeah, of course, excusable, completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having, I didn't, like, taking on any persona in those teen years is completely forgivable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one's fucking rough. That is rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see that thing that was like trending about uh, Gary V kissing his dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they, they had like a very, it was like talked about. It was like people were really talking about this because it's like a real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and then- This is like a half hour thing to scroll through. Oh it is? I bet you it's gonna be at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's, that's deliberate. It's quick. It is a thing amongst like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny cause there's a dude commenting on it and I feel like I can, I don't have to even hear him even know what he's saying. This black guy, he's like, what the fuck is he doing man?


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[Assistant] And they fucking lit him up. And he also does it with his son. So it's definitely, it's a family, like you're either in a family like that or you're not.


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[Assistant] See, there's the son, and then there's the father underneath it. Oh yea, right next to it. They kiss on the mouth. Yea.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know where they, uh, where men kiss on the cheeks? Like it's the only time that ever happened to me and I was like,


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[Assistant] My cousin introduced me to someone and I was like, Oh, what's up man? He grabbed me. He was like, I was like, what is happening? He didn't prep me at all for it. I mean, I was like 21. So I just was like.


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[Assistant] Maybe. Do the Israelis, uhm... No way. Do any, like, kiss greetings? Or no?


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[Assistant] Thanks for watching, thanks for listening.


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[Assistant] Uh, please see us live. Thank you for getting the book. Thank you for supporting the merch. Uhm, we appreciate you guys. We love you. We honor you. We hold you.


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[Assistant] We kiss you on the mouth. We kiss you on the mouth. We'll see you next week. Thanks guys.


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[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


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[Assistant] I cut a moose. Let's glass. Let's glass.


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[Assistant] But everything in my face does not come out. Everything stays in. All that comes out is this. So, yeaah. That's it. Thank you.


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[Assistant] In a hospital. Yeah. And taking medication. And...


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[Assistant] Remember I told you girls, oh boost the fuck out of their ego. The reason why I tell you girls to do that is because I want you girls to break their ego before you ask for something. So let's say before you ask for a phone or something to get paid, you can be like,


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[Assistant] He finna bite the shit out of somebody. He better not bite me. Ayy man.


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[Assistant] I'm showering everyday. Not only do you ruin your hair, but you ruin your skin as well. There's a natural biome on it.


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[Assistant] If you eat what you're supposed to be eating, you won't stink. You should use a wet one on your butt. I hope you don't need to be told that. Wake up. I still love you.


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[Assistant] I do not look like Bill Gates, okay? Stop telling me I look like Bill Gates. I do not look like Bill Gates. Not Bill Gates. I wish I had his money though.


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[Assistant] And Lila brought us three-minute arm routine, and believe me, that's three minutes of hard work.


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[Assistant] Spokane, I am coming July 20th. I'll be at First Interstate Center for the Arts. The early show is sold out. There are still tickets available to the late show. Go to TomSkaRow.com slash tour.


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[Assistant] I went to school in Hickory. And there's a really interesting story as to why I went there. I did not get into any other school that I applied to.


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[Assistant] Guys, this episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. You know, I cannot get enough


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[Assistant] To endorse and recommend to anybody I meet, whoever brings up the need for a mattress, uh, when they're shopping for a mattress, or even if they just say that like they haven't been sleeping well, I'm like, have you considered that maybe you're not sleeping on a good mattress? And now you should. Now you should invest some money into where you sleep every night.


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[Assistant] But you're going to be spending a humongous portion of your life actually on this thing. Get a good one. Get a satva.


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[Assistant] Go to SATVA, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit.


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[Assistant] And get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Yes, we chose that URL because their mattresses are in fact the shit.


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[Assistant] It's time for you to get on board. Satva, S A A T V A dot com slash the shit. Get yourself an awesome mattress. Welcome.


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[Assistant] To the program. Uhm, I probably don't say it enough, so I'll say it now. Ah, you've never looked more beautiful, Christina.


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[Assistant] Thank you for dressing up today and I'd like to welcome back to the show the very funny, the very talented Andrew Santino everybody. Thank you very much for coming in.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's great to see you, man. It's been a while. Uhm, I don't know if I can ask you this or not. We were just talking about the fact that, you know, I actually live in Austin now. I'm just visiting Los Angeles for a short period. I know. Uhm, should I have stayed? Should I?


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[Assistant] Like a Eastern European or Russian kind of training school, where, where like a guy with like big hands, like bare hands, you know, is kind of just like, you know, just.


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[Assistant] Just, not hittin', but just kinda, you know? You know when like, when you're doing pad work, you're wearing jerseys and someone's just fuckin' like that? Just kinda, some shoulder shaking? Be better at life.


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[Assistant] Do you, well actually, let me get into, let me open this show with a clip, and then we'll talk. Please. Uh, here you go.


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[Assistant] It's a long one. It's a long intro. It was longer than normal, I feel like. Longer than the show usually is. I love a black woman breaking down how shit should be.


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[Assistant] One thing is like there's an ATM out in public, you know, stand at least fucking eight feet back, ten feet back. Give the person, if it's one of those rooms, like dude, wait outside the room, that's the whole point.


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[Assistant] It was not that long. It was drive through. I drove up to one. Used to get some cash. Yea, I did.


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[Assistant] There's the cash, there's the people that are not taking cash and then nothing, nothing still makes me crazier.


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[Assistant] Then this bill is too big for us. And I'm like, how is that my problem? Why is that my problem? This is a business, right? Like this is a business and you take US cash here? Yep. I have it. I have it. Do you have something smaller? No. Like nah.


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[Assistant] That's it. And you're like, I mean, I think I'm beautiful. He's like, you know, he was like, he's a man in that, in that way because you could be, you need to lose weight and a woman, your friend would be like, you look great. And then a guy, your guy friend will be like, Hey man, you need to drop 20 pounds.


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[Assistant] Don't do that. Guess what? I call it a pool of accomplishment.


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[Assistant] I know that I've become a guy that I'm sure I would have been like, don't post your workout shit. It's become like.


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[Assistant] I don't even post them all. I don't post them all. But when I'm feeling like, like yesterday, I should have posted yesterday, cause I took some kratom and I was just fucking geeked out of my mind. You like that shit, huh?


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[Assistant] Like, uh, four sets of a work of like one lift. And then, uh, another one, a three, and that would be a set, right? Four, four, four. Right. And then I would move on to another, uh, uh, body part and then do four, four, four again. I was so geeked up that I would go from those four.


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[Assistant] That I would go over to the treadmill, like run for three minutes.


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[Assistant] Then do step ups, then go back to the four, then throw in kettlebells, like in between the four, not counting it. And I got out of there like an hour and 15 minutes later, I was like, I'm out of my fucking mind. That shit is awesome. I'll start taking that shit. Yeah, dude, you should get some. I want to. Get the liquid kind. Cause there's pills too. It's the liquid is what's up.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something, man? I was just thinking about him. How, when someone has a scandal, publicly,


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[Assistant] And we're like, they're like, and especially now in the modern, in the last, let's say decade where we go, this person is now persona non grata, right? Like you just, we don't, we don't deal with them anymore. Then you go, well,


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[Assistant] How talented were they? Right? How talented were they? Like if it's, you know, if you tell me like, uh, Marilyn Manson, we can't, I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Fucking get him out of here. Hasn't made a song in a long time. I don't give a shit. What do you mean? I'm done. I don't, I wasn't listening anyway. Kevin Spacey?


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[Assistant] Open arms baby, come back. You're a really other level actor.


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[Assistant] He rips, dude, and he does the, uh, What was that?


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[Assistant] Cause he wails. He wails. What's the uhm, when he does the uh, the dead company? Like he does the...


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[Assistant] I know how talented he is, uhm. But you're done? No, no, I'm not done. I'm saying, I am not familiar enough with, like, you know when someone's like a celebrity, you're like, of course I know who that is. Yeah. Of course, like, I could even reference that I know he does those tours on top of his own.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna say because I'm not as familiar, he's welcome. Oh, he's welcome back.


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[Assistant] I mean, I really would have a hard time saying no to anything.


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[Assistant] Well first I want to say this, I have a real, I, I, the older I get, the more I realize it's kind of silly how much we, uh,


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[Assistant] Like we punish athletes for not having great personalities sometimes. Like that's part of the modern thing. They're like, this guy's kind of a dick. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, it's, it's, we don't like dicks, but then you're like, yeah, but he's, you know, he's doing his job. His job is to like play that sport.