[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you and I are traditionalists when it comes to those types of things. I don't like being too irreverent on solemn occasions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like marriage, baptisms, things of that nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, speaking of respect, I have two incidences. I was at the Starbucks on my way home from Mandiego and there was a chick watching a video full volume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody wants to hear your crazy video. Secondly, there was only one bathroom at the Starbucks and I just don't believe in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going in there and posting up and taking a huge shit when you know that there's one bathroom for the entire Starbucks population.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause there's a line that forms, and then you know, like even on an airplane, there's two bathrooms sometimes. Front and back. So you're like, okay, some guy's shitting in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, what I'm saying is look, if you got a shit, you get in to Starbucks, right? Quick, quick, quick, and then out. But I'm talking like this fool posted up, you know what I'm saying? And there's ten minutes of a shit. Don't do your ten minute shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, so what I do is I, you know, interview people and I let them hang out with the kid with me around supervising and see how they jive. So this person was in our home maybe a couple of hours and I come inside from being outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she opens the bathroom door, and there's this flushing sound, and she says to me, Oh, do you have a spray? And the smell hits me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just go to like a potential employer's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, or at least courtesy flesh that the smell doesn't- and it was nasty, like she really should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or he's just a regular, yea, it's never a wanted thing, generally. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You're right. That they, they must feel that. Ugh, we feel that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because this guy doesn't know how to fucking rein it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just, uh, I'm happy that you're going full throttle with a new man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, respectful, and I'm sorry that that happened to you. That shouldn't happen to anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget to do your Christmas shopping this year on our store. Why not get the jeans in your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, and don't forget your FGTRTD socks!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. I also, I mean, look, and don't forget your classic shirts. A lot of times I see you guys wearing your, uh, double pipe classic shirts. I see a lot of just glass and shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see that shirt. Go down. It's done. Oh, that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but that, there's also one with just the word, that's your face with your mouth open, as if to say piss in my mouth. Oh no, let's try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Water Champ, FGTRTD, and YMH Black Hoodie Zip Up Standard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Did you know about this, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, that's the good thing about capitalism, you can always exploit something to your advantage. We've talked about this forever, what's the best way to dispose of a body, and I think we've found it now. Feeding it to the pigs and then selling


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Well, you know that murder land is discount land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one time I had lunch at the guy who bought the Charles Manson murder house. He ended up being a television producer. Anyways, he got it at a significant discount because those Manson murders, the Sharon Cate murders happened there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not stoked, but he was like, oh, it was cheaper cause no one wanted to live here. I'm like, yeah, no shit. Also had to change the street address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrible, Tom. So, how hard are you right now having watched that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, you're so terrifying, Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he is super smart. I mean, his whole scheme was really intelligent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you know this about him already? Like what would he- Why? Cause he doesn't wanna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I am, I would like a sex worker just because I imagine they've seen it all, they've done, been there, done that, they're probably really sympathetic, kind people. Yea, yea, of course. Yea, they've been through everything, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it used to be our bus system and then I don't know what they call it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I never understand what the attraction is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women who like that kind of power that the serial killer has


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it the, the perception of yeaah, like strength and power?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause a lot of women like Charles Manson, he had a wife before he died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's celebri- yea, Richard Ramirez, the- Richard Ramirez, right? Yea, the night stalker, he had chicks into him. Even like, uh, the dude who shot up-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, Manson, all the girls were in love with Charles Manson, even though he didn't technically murder anybody. Right, Tom? You're always bringing that point up to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, not for Tom, I throw his ass in jail immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what has to be hard about those mad tv auditions back in the day is that everyone was probably doing the same fucking impressions. It was the same, it was like Britney Spears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, you really have to blow people away with something original like that. Right. It's so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's the thing is that you found this, I'm always so amazed at people that take what's given to them in technology like what you've done with face swapping and then how are you, I don't know what you're using to even


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I did a stand-up show with him ages ago, over a decade ago, and I was on the same line up as him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's always amazing to me when people are like that, cause it's so much easier just to be nice to people. It's just easy to be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's big in my culture and Hungarian stuff. Like they see, yeah, if you're like Americans are like donkeys to them, kind of like my stepmom. Like if we go to a restaurant and the waiter would be super nice, like, Hey folks, how you doing? It was met with contempt. Like what are you calling us folks? We got to find like it's seen as total weakness. Yeah. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny? I try, cause I wanna look cool. You know how some people, comedians, can take pictures with fans and they keep a straight face and they look really interesting? Like it's like, they're making a choice. I look so unfriendly when I don't smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's the thing is I want to look cool, and then every time someone wants to take a photograph with me, I'm so amazed that anybody wants to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I forgot what I was going to fucking say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's the thing, as long as you can stay skinny as you age, I feel like that's the key. You don't want to be fat and old if you can maintain your weight and get older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, breatharians? They're called, there's also a group of people called breatharians, where they, they breathe in air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, that's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I used to do when I had headgear as a kid? I would rip off the headgear in my sleep and throw it across the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, that's crazy that you did that to yourself in your sleep because don't they say you can't actually physically like punch yourself or harm yourself because the body won't, your brain won't allow. But I guess when you're unconscious...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's dangerous. Uh, that's interesting. Our, our boys, like Ellis is kinda hyper-focused like that. Where he can do an activity from the time he was, I don't know, 15 months old. Like he'll just play with water in the sink for literally the first time. It was two and a half hours and I just let him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta check in though, you gotta confirm the date. 24 hours. I would confirm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe the day of, go, are we still good for tonight? Cause something's gonna come up. Oh, and then she, yeah, I kind of went, sorry, I misunderstood. So I think you're good. So two days before, he's like, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's, she thinks that he's lying to her. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The in text message when you don't know somebody well it's misinterpreted. So you may want to consider actually calling and talking to someone so that they can hear your voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing is that you don't have a connection established, so when you're trying to establish a connection, that's probably why she's, but for her to fly off the handle and then come back again, that is gonna be her pattern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I see this, this is why. And this is why you're not matching. Okay. Oh no. This is why. It's too jokey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the girls, the girls who want to just get laid are like, this guy's too much of a clown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, but you're, you look amazing. It's just, it's too jokey jokey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, they can see you, the first picture of you is kinda too jokey, so the girl is like, nah, he's not serious. And then you have a picture of a tree, and then your face is darkened by shadows of the dark. It's a dope ass tree though. It is a dope ass tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna have one with you standing behind a microphone on the stage. Girls love comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And don't put a picture of you with somebody else. Like, hey, it's me and this other guy. Cause then people go, which guy is him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because then the girl goes, well, I just want to see if you can resist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I will say the dog, very appealing. It is? Absolutely. Girls like to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But smash profiles, then the dumb chicks go, oh my god, I love doggies. Who cares? That's what I'm saying, but it's good, the dog's a good bait. It's the honey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit of silent indifference that can read as contempt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, when I met Tom, he was 23, and he was just kinda quiet, but like, a smoldering quiet. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like not like a puppy dog, like excited to meet you, like kind of like whatever. I don't give a shit. Like his whole vibe was like, I don't care whether or not any of this fucking happens. And that drew you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no desperation there. So you're like, oh, what's going on with, what's he all about? I bet he's exotic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you were, you had a little bit of contempt. I did have contempt. I still do. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just do it. Tesla's gonna help Smash game and dogs. Chicks love dogs and nice cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I've had the, I've had it happen to me where a guy missed red cues and he went for it and I was like, nooo. And I threw him off. Yeah, but how often does that happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean these are basically bones in your face that other people see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then we have to go in and get the x-rays and do the console.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always on the side of the FedEx drivers. You know how fucking hard that job is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this dumb bitch. Just get out of traffic, you stupid cow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she looks like a mess. It smells bad, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mouth to mouth, you can't turn her on her stomach. You have to do a missionary. You have to look her in the eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh stop. Be realistic. Now let's think about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can I talk now? May I interject?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying one million, think about it, cash, tax free, I give you a suitcase of one million dollars. You're not gonna do this for one million. No, I don't think it's enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you need to have, you got a 69. I'm being realistic here. Ugh, are you serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it for a million, yea. Cash tax free. The IRS never knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be a million. In my mind, for it to be worthwhile, I have to have that amount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you have to give her an orgasm. And you have to do by any means necessary, mouth, if you use your mouth, your hands, your peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he brought up a great point, is that you're gonna have her like butt juices and all her juices like all, you're gonna smell her. I was just thinking about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This seriously is my nightmare. If I were to go gay, this is not my nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm being honest and sincere when I say one million dollars cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nobody finds out about it. That's another thing, it can't be on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I've heard. So I would take that into consideration because she's wearing leather and stuff in that area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the teeth aren't good too. I mean, black lipstick highlights yellow teeth. Is this what your boyfriends looked like back then? Yeah, yeah, I mean, not like him, but like the same, the black lipstick, the eyeliner, pretty much the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez. Oh yea, picture with Ronnie the limo driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just did not freak out at all. He was like, uh, some guys on stage, get them down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just thinking that. How dumb that haircut is. It's the dumb person's cut. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense. She said, think of it more as a conversation. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. I miss you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been thinking about you every day since I met you. And I've just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part 1 and dating for Gen X and those over 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't regurgitate people from high school. There's a reason they're in your past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me on this, guys. If you ever want to feel like a leper in your basement, spend some time on online dating. And also, if you're from a small town like me, you tend to have a woman that you're interested in in a local bar. There's probably 20 other guys that are all trying to get with her secretly, and they're gonna try to shark your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, looks are fleeting. Now that doesn't mean go out with like a 400 pound woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a girl says to you, I look at you as a brother, or I look at you as a friend,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not part of the culture at all. You're it. You're the tit. Tag, you're it. That's what he means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he looks so stupid, picking the food out of his mouth with a fucking toothpick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. What is that from? That's from Goodfellas? It's from Casino. Casino, okay. Yeaah, he's talking to Sam, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and pick up your fucking picket. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I don't think anything he did, even in her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard somebody say this. It sounded like Rockstar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might've been a beetle, might've been someone else, but someone like that. And, um, he goes, Oh, it was a rolling stone. And he was like, don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have too much of a nut. Don't have your cost be too high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then you will have to do things in order to pay for that nut. It's 100% what he does. And he goes, now for me, I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's suit district. It's suit district, yea. You walk out of there with a suit and people are like, you want a suit? I'm like, I, I have one over my shoulder. Like, come on, come on, get another suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy because I'd like to see what happens. It's not my money so I can't really tell them, but I'd like to see what happens if a network


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if we find out that it's, that he's lying, then you know, we'll take actions that we have to, but for right now, that's been a part of our life for a long time. We're going to stand with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't get, they don't get involved. In fact, when TJ had his thing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, people were like Comedy Central cancelled the show. They put out like, oh no no, that was cancelled six months ago. Don't put this on us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We actually did not get involved. Which is, that's great, that's all you gotta do!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just be like, don't go to you. Yeah, that article is really- Oh my god, it's- it's strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Accusations enough and I, I mean like, I, I, yeah, I'm on the side of like these accusations aren't even of something fireable. I don't know what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, come on guys. What's he, a sociopath suddenly? If he said it, it was a complete joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's tons of ways to interpret anything you say or do. So what's the worst possible way I could interpret this? And no one, what's the worst to me is when comedians don't even look at that and go, hold on, hold on, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, instead of just straight to like, how dare you. Yeaah, that's fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. Yeah, it is, but you know, fuck it, but like, it's, I don't know where, I don't know. You just gotta keep your head down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's not the only power, the other power source is a group mentality, group mob on the internet saying we want this guy gone and having it happen. That's more powerful than Trump is right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So what can we control? Yeah, but you're entrusting that control to not like leaders of that side, but to fucking dummies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's the same level of person from sports to fucking politics. It is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're, they're fucking, they're done with you. Far left, when you get your partner pregnant, uhm, the number one thing they're hoping for is a trans baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you had it with retard. You know, it's like at some point, like, all right, get back to jokes. Let people don't, don't us also be the one saying, well, I had it hard because of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they came at me after this joke. It's like, let them just go on with it. Go on with it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make the rest of the people enjoy it. Well, I tried to not engage this for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. Really? For sure. Well, you know what my dad always told me? What? Can't ignore a retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you're being like, how dare you? It's like, we heard it then, during the time it happened, we weren't as harsh as you guys are now. So like, suddenly we're supposed to be mad about something that happened a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I think when they get to college I start doing that. I think, have you ever done safe space rooms? Meltdown? No. Stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then later he's like, well, hold on. How can I get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, are you sticking out with the amazing racist stuff? And people like, how dare you? And if I, if I like actually call, write them back like a human, I was like, come on, come on, those aren't, it's not real. It's fucking calm down. They'd be like, well, I have to admit, I, I did kind of, kind of laugh in the first, when I saw it. Like, and then you went to a fucking rage and say, you hope I die from, from laughing at first? Yeah. So it's all ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, once you're outta here in college, you're gonna, it's gonna be real world again. But it's okay if you just want a nice, fun bubble to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It's kind of silly that they even provide that for you though. Cause it's not preparing you for the real world at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always want to know what the line was, what percentage of people had to have been through something before you can, can you talk about murder if someone's been murdered? Can you talk about, like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know a lot of things trigger and it's also like, you know, you might get triggered. I don't know what's triggered. Does that do you mean a memory of something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, so I went to see a panorama last year. I went to see, uh, um, the festival panorama and soda went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, right from Montreal and Niners snails was playing. I just had a friend hang herself, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three weeks before. Yeah. And he started doing Hurt. And he does it so well. And I uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess I was triggered into thinking about people that were important to me and that made me sad, but like, that's not so bad. Like what you're allowed to be true. It's okay to be that it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Congratulations. Oh, we did try to tie the box. You did? We tried to tie the box so tight. This is our, what we, our badasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so tired that you see how many, uh, periods they would last. Like the indentation would last once you take them off breakfast and first period, like check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like of course I am. Yeah. Yeah. When I was in Israel and yeshiva and like, how old are you then? 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably. I remember when I had to tell my dad about being a serial rapist and that was difficult, but this was far, far harsher. Because it didn't affect him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. He is that hardcore? About that hardcore. He's like loosened up a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then. You loft that, see how it played. Yea, see how it plays. Look at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you feel like you're breaking their heart. I know, it does, but then at some point, like, I just- You can't do it for you. Kevin Meany on my podcast before he died, talking about coming out of the closet at 50 years old, and it was like, he didn't want to hurt his dad, and when his dad died he couldn't come out, but it's like, you've wasted your entire sexual life for not being free because of offending or hurting them, but it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? Not sure. That was like, two years ago? Yea. You don't know who he died of? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like AIDS. I assume AIDS, yea. I assume AIDS. Really? No, I didn't have AIDS. I think he just died. I don't know what he died of. I mean, he's fat too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, coming out of the closet was hard to my parents. But you had to do it. To your parents? Yeah, no, I mean about your religion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That's big man. By the way, Kanane and Barghazzi love this picture cause they're like, Oh, I am fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really sad. He's real big. I mean, he must get out of a chair the way Christina gets out of a chair. Like pregnant. Like belly first and then let the weight push you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause he was working out a lot and running and then suddenly he gains weight right about the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Money that he owed to the children. Yeah, sad. We all donated for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the Children's Hospital? Children's Hospital. Yeah. If you guys want to donate, it's gofundme.com slash Evil Burt. And we're trying to raise the $10,000 that he refused to give. He said he was going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's saying, I guess now he's saying that he never even intended to give that money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it twice before. I love it. I mean, I think I'm the only American, but sounds like Bronston or people like that, that like, that like enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five days in a row. In a row? No, I don't like that either. One day off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Monday the 13th. Why is it every fucking day, man? It's just, but it's just only an hour a day. You're free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I saw those guys out there doing their fucking crazy UK theme hours. Yeah. And I was like, I saw the first year I just did my storytelling show and the next year I did my own, but just regular American hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And me? I'd be like, I take it. You wouldn't have to be drunk to fuck me. You would have to be buzzed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I mean, I almost hooked up with somebody in Scotland a few years ago that I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be a dude. Oh, really? Yeah, where I had to start showing, once it hit my brain, I started showing people like pictures and they were like, I could go either way. I don't know. Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like bossing them around in a way, like making them crawl around on the floor and do chores for me.


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[Assistant] This fat is a male fat too. It's not like a, it's not, it's pushed out. You look honestly, Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like, uh, you know those how to draw things and so you draw a shape and then another smaller circle. You just like circle, circle, like length, circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you know what I heard is, uh, is, uh, they're doing this new thing where it's, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, this is a fake one, but then I'll give you a real one in a second, but that where men are trying to be closer to the, uh, baby by, uh, drinking the fluid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So can I tell you guys the most baller thing to do? The best way to show your love? Yeah. Uh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having a baby together, your sperm, your vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's a great act of love. But, so sexual love, which is part of it, it's how you get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most baller, most sexual thing you can do is while Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is giving birth, like when she's like pushing out, you're fucking the baby back in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, so you're saying you guys don't love each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? You say it comes out on my terms that the relationship will always be about you guys hooking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand why you won't, it just, to me, then the three of you get closer as a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, once you do it, can't you pinch? Did you have to let it all go out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you have to make a decision like, I maybe got lost in it, like, well, this is already going in there, I'll keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you empty it? Handstand? Walking with her legs up to the bathroom to empty it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think we're all in agreement this man made an error. This is a bad thing to do. You don't want to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I don't want to like be a broken record on this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying I'm down for that. But wait, would you let someone shit in your mouth? Absolutely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we found a bag of fucking drugs at this festival last weekend, two weekends ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the road back to camping at, at Firefly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is powder. This is powder. It's one of those little tiny drug bags, you know? Uh huh. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So our, our buddy that was there with us is, he's just the trier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're like, let's give it to him. Let's give it to him and see what he, and he tried it. It goes, it's either really shitty Coke or amazing Coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like he didn't know. Yeah, and we didn't know what to do, whether to take it or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what happened? His girlfriend was like, do not take it. We have other drugs. We brought other drugs to do. We don't need to do this fucking street drug. And uhm, we ended up just doing the other drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I normally would not. What do you, do you stick to just like psychedelic stuff or do you fuck with it? I'll do molly sometimes, ketamine once in a while. Yeah, that's more recent. That's a pretty fun one. I don't know, but I wanna try heroin. Don't you wanna try heroin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't want to go needle right away. I might smoke it. Smoke arrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, a little speed with like in some ecstasy maybe, but nah math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A handful of, this is maybe different from you, I cut a handful, coat it with uhm, toilet paper, to catch the blood droppings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she know about, has she seen the Jew plan? She has not. No, she has not. I would tell her not to watch that. Alright, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used Bobby Kelly's for the first time, just like yours, and I really used it, and I used yours too. You move it up and down, you shift it right, left like a claw before your ass, it's great. But the only problem with that is, as a bleeder,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes, most of the time, sometimes it just keeps going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think it might be spicy food, I'm not sure. So I'll walk around often with just a plug up my butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean exactly what you should, you should understand. Like a tampon? Yes, like a tampon, but just rolled up toilet paper, half in, mostly out, soaking up. Maybe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was on jury duty last year, and it soaked through to the pant. Yeah, through underwear, through pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what they're trying to get people to say now instead of trans? Because they're saying trans is like a, it's like a, they're saying when you shorten things, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Negative. They want everyone to call them, I swear to God on this, tranny sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is not coming up with anything that you told me about. Maybe I'm ahead of the curve. That's possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. What a patriarch we live in still. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how in Around the Horn, uhm, or no, it was, was it PTI? No, Around the Horn. And they have a guy, uhm, the stat boy. Remember that? Correcting everything. No, it was PTI. Like, what did we get wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I think I had one of these in Edmonton. Somebody came at me with a try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nuts! It's a person. Can you feel the difference between a kick and a punch? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But also like how often are you seeing people see mermaids where you're making this decision?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like your data points are not enough. This guy. Is he really? I mean, the crazy thing is you get this level of heterosexuality in the merman, uh, industry. It's very weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you gonna get laid when everyone's wearing a fucking tail over your vagina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' grow the fuck up. Don't quit bangs anymore. You're not 12. Stop it and quit wearing onesies, you idiot women. Put on pajamas. Get the fuck over yourselves. Wear adult clothes. It takes you 45 minutes to piss. Stop it. It's unfunctional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is very strange. Yeaah. The sunset is nice though, I agree. It's just a random guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything inside me would tense up for sure. Dude, part of me thinks any musician is super lame because like, so what do you have like a singing club with your friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you break it down to that level, like if we were in high school and you're just like, Hey, we're all going to sing together. Play some music. John will play the piano and I'll sing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. We don't all meet together and do it. We do it on stage alone. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who does that? What the fuck is this? Did you guys send me a picture of this in front of boobs? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a child actor, best case scenario or worst case scenario? Best case scenario, they book nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just, and then they're met with like their parents disappointment because they're not doing well. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's best case scenario. Worst case scenario, they book a bunch of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Become child celebrities and have an OD at 26.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of mom or dad doesn't know what you know? Who would do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. He's like, woah. Just let him be in a school play, he'll get just as much out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, where can people see you coming up? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival, August 2nd through the 26th. What's the show called? Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think I could have a storytelling show here in L.A., but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the middle of July, but mostly it's that and then I go do a European tour in uh, in November and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When do you do? July 18th. It's coming out man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, yeah, it's super fun. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was I gonna say? But yea, the opening for degenerates that he made looks fucking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm a fuck. No, I'm not getting in there, you big dirty cunt. Yeah, it's good though. Has your fuck gone? It hasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Jenny say like, calm, now you joke, you joke and you calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of the more bizarre stories we've seen in a very, very long time. A Gilbert man is accused of duping caregivers into thinking that he was special needs and then paying them to change his diaper and bathe him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy and you wanna fuck me At 23.95 If you wanna move in, you can move in But you gotta fuck me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys want to know where you can see me do the standups? I'm getting back into it. Uh, November 24th. That's Thanksgiving weekend. If you're in San Diego and you want to either get away from your family at that point or bring them to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing the House of Blues in Man Diego, California. And then on December 7th, filler up Delphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tickets are on sale, I'm moving pretty quickly for that. And then December 8th in Jew Dork Titties, Gramercy Theater, the 8pm show sold out and tickets are moving quick on the 10.30 show that I have added.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than that, I'm just, you know, getting back into things. Doing the comedy store, and 2019 I'll be working on very shortly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This Thursday night, yeaah, the eight o'clock show in the main room, if you're around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tickets at Christina P online. Thank you. Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel, you guys' sounds good already, yea. You guys'


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't done stand up since I filmed the Netflix thing. I know. That's in June. This is when my first set back in, back in business here on a Thursday at the store. It's been like over two months, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm glad you're- I'm glad to have you home. I like it when you sleep in bed next to me, even though now you're onto a brand new serial killer show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to, I don't know, and I, and I say this like with, like, I try to be open minded because I want us to be able to share things in common.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the tone and then hearing like how, how clearly these people came from bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit! That guy looks like Uncle Fester on the, uh, poster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my favorite is, I think he goes, I had a normal childhood, and I was like, I don't think you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible, and even just the sounds of the show, cause like you said, I didn't look at the screen, I just looked down the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sounds of the show, the general tone, the beige-ness of the jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just can't, I can't watch stuff where I just know that they're just suffering. There's too much suffering for me. I don't like white bummer shit. This is, this is another caveat that's like a white bummer tangent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And did you watch this while I was falling asleep last night too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I got to fall asleep to the sweet, uh, sounds of, uh, El Chapo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ay cabron. That's all I hear. Ay pinche cabron. Maybe he moved there. Tom, do a line. Do a line. Maybe he moved there. Oh, I don't want you to move to Mexico to work. Do a line from Chapo. Come on. Pretend you're in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, you need to be applying for these, uh, jobs too. Dave, hire me in Mexico. In Espanol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when your dad speaks Spanish. He's really fluent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, yeah. Okay, it's a visual thing, so if you guys are watching on YouTube, you're blessed with what we're about to show you. Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not, if you're just listening, I will describe to you what it is we're seeing because it's so ridiculous. So I follow Elizabeth Gilbert. She's the writer who did Eat, Pray, Love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, basically it's based on, you know, the book where, uh, she splits with her husband and then she falls in love with another man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mate essentially die and be ravaged by this horrible thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still find a way to make fun of her and on her Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She posted this thing, uhm, that grief is a full body experience. Can you please push play on this? And I want everyone to watch this. Jesus Christ. It's so embarrassing. And so she's doing like an intro. This isn't her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, so there's this woman, uh, doing this interpretive dance of grief in her, in her kitchen. And, oh, it's so embarrassing. Like if you're watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I keep, like I keep, cause like, I get it that this is real, like I have empathy and this is sympathy and whatever and this is real for this person. But I'm, I like, I was so embarrassed when I see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the African Anteater dance. It's like that, and she, it's so, it's so earnest and sincere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The connection to my emotions to do something like this? Of course. Like I'm so disconnected I could never do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, like I get that you feel this way, but then isn't there a level of like don't- why do you have to share it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Well, look, it's not that I don't, I believe in all that stuff and I'm behind it intellectually. I just don't want to hear about it. I don't want to like get on, I just don't want to be bombarded by it all the time. No, I mean, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, sometimes I'm aware of it. I'm like, I love being a professional asshole. It's great. But then I'm like, is that, is that the line here? Or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I got like this, you don't think you can handle it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I also think that this lends itself, cause right now we're in an era of non-stop sharing, uh, the earnest shares, you know, you see them on Facebook, the over, the medical over shares, like, uh, my mom's festering wound on her foot's getting better guys. And you're like, I don't want to know any of this stuff about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but there's definitely now a blurred line between public and private. You know, like there's, there's very little delineation nowadays between what's public and what's private. Like you and I have been seeing people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking phone calls on speakerphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like we were in the, in a nice restaurant and this guy, this dad...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a speakerphone, he has a speaker, it's on speakerphone, and then he puts it up to his ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and what should be a private call because you're talking about your finances, dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another thing I've been seeing, uhm, are people wearing house slippers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In public spaces as well. Like I'm talking like fuzzy pink house slippers to get on an airplane. I saw it at Burbank airport. Like look, I'm not opposed to seeing people's feet. That's not the problem. I don't care. But you're not supposed to wear fuzzy slippers to like the mall, the grocery store, airplanes. It's completely inappropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not footwear that's meant to be outdoors. Dangerous, actually, because it's too flimsy a shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not, it's inappropriate. I don't know what the fuck is happening that people think the world is their living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, you used to people used to have shame about that kind of stuff. You try to keep your conversations private. Or worse, when people listen to their music or watch videos at full volume, you're like, dude, nobody wants to hear your bullshit. No, of course not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if we're showing him videos while he has, you know, he's eating so that he focuses a minute, we make sure that the volume's down so that we're not disturbing other people, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Yeah, it's just so silly. People are so horrible. What are you, are you trying to find this audio?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so weird, why do people share that fucking shit dude? Don't share your feelings like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you want, like it's bad enough when you have to be on hold in your personal life, but now you gotta hear some other assholes being put on hold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a fucking scumbag. What a scumbag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like what, what goes through people's minds that that's acceptable behavior to put it on speaker phones so everybody gets to hear you being on hold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the guardian angels of the 80s? Those nerds that used to dress up and like fight crime for free in like the New York subways and stuff? We need to have the guardian angels of proper public etiquette now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who are designated, they walk around in like uniforms so you can see like, oh shit, there's the guardian angel. And that person comes over and goes, excuse me, you're being an asshole, nobody wants to hear your Bank of America on hold. Or, uh, excuse me, shit bird, you don't wear fucking slippers on the plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever break- their car breaks down during rush hour traffic on the 405. If you're responsible, your car breaks down at 5pm on a fucking Friday, and it's your fault that everyone else is now even further fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we do it in public. We round people up. Maybe we'll delay that. You know what I mean? Like at the end of the week, we'll do all the assholes that held up traffic this week in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really thought this through, I like his presentation. He's really trying to be deep, like he's one of those dudes that's like super dumb, but he's making an attempt at not being super dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the, uh, the Elizabeth Gilbert interpretive dancer gets a bullet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's the genius. This is the smartest man alive, Dan. Dan Pena should run for president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just one of my favorite people, and really a friend of the show. Yea, I know, he's great. He and I kept in touch, uh, we DM'd on Twitter from time to time, and it just, we've had lunch with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he can't be, uhm, censored. You have to let him roll like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, stand-up is consistently shitty. Like, you just know there's always going to be a crazy club owner. Something's not gonna be right. It's fraught with dog shit all the time. It doesn't change. Yea, it's consistently shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just feels good. That's the joy of stand-up. You gotta keep yourself feeling shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and Tom and I both hate when people are like, uh, we saw your special on Netflix. It's good, it's pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, can I, sorry, will you pull up the Instagram video that we watched earlier and just see if Matt feels the same thing we do. Because it's kind of, it's along this tangent of like, what's kind of feels grody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This video makes me so uncomfortable because it's so earnest, and because like, I'm not capable, I'm not that in touch with my feelings, so when I see other people doing it, I'm like, oh god, it gives me so much anxiety to be that in touch with your feelings. I don't like that either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had someone tell me that a friend who I'm no longer friends with actually, she was like, yeah, I'd like, I'd love to do what you do, but I don't want to go through like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's saved our lives. If you have somebody in your marriage, your spouse, whatever, whoever sleeps next to you that snores, go to the dentist and get a professional snore guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you ever see those comics before, like when we were starting to come up to book shows, there was always a guy in the alleyway, uh, kind of pacing back and forth nervously, listening to like heavy metal music to get himself pumped, like that guy, do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's, listen, we've, we've analyzed the visuals on this. You know, you, you just encapsulated that exactly, cause last week that's what we were saying, like, you can't just come out like that with women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the thing, a phenomenon on our show is that all the creepers, the creeper guys, the framing is always too close. They're generally shirtless. Uh, they're lit poorly. The sound is bad. Like they all check these boxes of psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He cleaned up, at least now he's in a nice couch background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't actually said it, we haven't defined it yet. Yea, we haven't defined it. We've dropped it a couple times. Oh really? Yea, no no no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well why don't we let the audience try to come up with what they think that means. Let's not, let's not. Alright. Let's give it a week and see if people can come up with what they think it is on the message boards and on the Facebook fan page. Let them discuss and we'll see if that in fact is a shirt or a hat we can make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love is Matt wanting to put our, uhm, lung infection guy on the voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I think is such a great idea, I was laughing at that. Uhm, especially cause you're right, I've only seen that show once, like the judges have their backs turned so that you don't, why is that? Just so that you're not biased by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weren't you telling me about that white singer who sounds black and we were listening to him the other day? Oh yea, Bobby Caldwell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I have a sip of your coffee, Gene? I've been drinking so much water that I need something to stop the hydration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine him? Cause here's the thing with the lung infection dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you need the front teeth to, to chew up, like to take a bite of something, it's real important, and then you need the backs. The rest are superfluous, but really the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, would you rather? Would you rather pay, you're gonna spend about $25, you're gonna go to a club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, by the way, the appropriate response to people like this. I think you should just have license to tell people they're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you've walked up to people and you've been like, do you have headphones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause in your neighborhood you have parents that still want to be cool. Yes. You're saying like, Tom and I have surrendered to this game. I love it. We're like, listen, we're fucking suburban losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's in the, we're in the upside down. Donald Trump is president, Steven Seagal is this fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putin and we're best friends now with him. It's, it's all, this is absurdity. The world is done. We're all gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes we do. Yes we do. And Tom laughs and laughs and laughs like a psychopath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he does. It's totally, totally crazy. It's not good at all. I don't laugh. I have, uh, feelings for people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something, my husband, he's so stoic all day around the house, like we have this newborn, we have these two dogs, so our life is pretty happy. The only time I ever see him really joyful is when he's watching a serial killer show on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking at this ad, family of three looking for room for rent. Is that still something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you just looking for a week at a time or are you looking for indefinitely?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You obviously spend a lot of time in Russia, you spend a lot of time in America, you're making films and so forth, and in terms of your life in America, you've been very much caught up in all the allegations of sexual harassment, you had a rape allegation against you, and I wonder how you deal with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to join a fake sovereign country once out of a magazine. I just remembered that. There's this art magazine, I think it was called Cabinet, and they did an article about, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't any money, I just sent, like, my info, like, can I please become a citizen of this fake country?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think that was the whole, I think that's why people do it, is to not pay taxes. I love it. Like, I'm a country, you can't charge me shit. I'm a country. I like that. I'm a country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they tried to do in that Wild Wild Country documentary where they were like, we're our own state or city or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the great bits of all time. About his dad. How his dad said irregardless. I did not know that. The bit was about inserting that word in places where it didn't belong. He'd say it all the time. It was great. Such a great bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that can sing think they're blessing us all the time with their beautiful voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're in the frozen food aisle, and you just hear, aaaah, and shut your damn mouth. Yea. I didn't ask for this, I'm not running bits. Or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was in the, I was in the hallway at the comedy store and some lady was talking to the person next to me and she goes, are you going on? And I said, yeah. And she goes, oh, so like what's your act? And I went into jokes. I just was go, I go, I tell jokes and I looked at her in a way that told her you're wrong for what you just did. Yeah. Yeah. How'd she respond? She was like, ah,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like if I knew that I wouldn't be here. If I had a sense of what anything was about, I wouldn't be here, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wouldn't go. It's weird that people let me still, and uhm, I don't know why I've done it for so long, and I wake up confused almost every day. And they'll probably be like, me too! And I'm like, oh rad, what do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm lucky I've done a, my, my look fits squarely into a category. I've always been lucky that they need someone who looks like they can work a machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird that, like, I don't watch any of my friends' shows. It's just, it's become all of our jobs. So you're just like, oh cool. Like, I only know my friends are working when I call them and they're like, I'm in New Mexico. Like, oh okay. Like, that's how you find out someone's doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, objectively it was a- like I can say like that was a very good show. Cause I wasn't there from like the- I- I started like halfway through the first season. So I was able to watch it without me on it. And uh, I was like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should. Wait a minute, you've never roleplayed... You've had a Spanish speaker this entire time and have never had him say, let's do this in Spanish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever wonder what the small talk is like between guys at a gangbang?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way there's none, right? And it's not, there's no way it's all about the gangbang. So at some point it's gotta be like, maybe, do you think there's like a circuit where those guys go to more than one? So like, dude you're looking jacked, you working out? Like the notices that Steve lost weight? Dude you look great!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been trying, I've been trying now for six months. Like, I just saw the other day, I've been going to the gym five days a week probably for six months just to look, just to still hate my body and only look okay from like 50 feet away in clothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I learned so much at an early age from that show, like as a teenager. Same here. Love life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's like Star Trek cruises, I would rub oil on Dr. Drew, it'd be my pl- Who am I to not want to? Considering what he's given me and the rest of the world. It's true. Am I- I haven't done anything to say I shouldn't be excited about rubbing some oil to make sure he doesn't get burnt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to see that. I would love to hear about this kind of standards. What, what women who want a male prostitute are looking for. You never watched Jiggalo's? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn homie. Yeah, no, it's serious, and you don't want to get back surgery. You want to avoid that shit at all costs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I spent so much time like hunched over a desk. Yeaah. And I see what like old artists look like. I was like, I don't know if I want that. Like it just looks painful all the- I didn't realize every time you see an old person walking slow, it's not that they're old, they're in pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, that to me doesn't even look that bad. Wait, look!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my friend Leslie told me that plastic surgeons are having to fix, there's a new double chin situation with people always looking down. That people are always like this, so there's a lot of people getting tightened up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gang members get out and they're like, hey, can you take this thing off my face? They're like, yeah, we can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm guessing there's a recent spike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I went to prison, I realized that's probably how I would get by is tattooing people. That would probably keep me safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also have money, so like, you could help their drug trade. You'd get a lot of money put on your book, if you know what I'm saying. Put on your, yeah, yeah. Put on your book. So you'd be heavy with them snacks. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, you wanna be someone, you wanna get turned out, you don't wanna like go in there kind of heavy and be like, this is how it's gonna be, and then you pick one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? I mean, it's gonna happen, right? So my rationale is like, don't hit me in the face, girl. Like, and let's come up with some-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's less personal on my butt. And you'd ask for lube, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're indoctrinated to that culture and that becomes your lifestyle and you get good at it, the real world's probably pretty terrifying. If you've been in prison for over 20 years, can you imagine going out there and like, here's your smartphone? Like, it'd be awful. It'd be truly awful. And if you've developed some, and it's not like you're gonna get out of prison after 25 years and someone's like, here's your cool job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would have gotten in shape so much earlier in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the human brain's pretty malleable and you make the best out of where you're at. I think so too. It's Steve Simone's hottest girl at the bank, uh, theory. If you work at a bank, the hottest girl at the bank is the hottest girl in your entire world. That's true. And in prison, after a while, it's your world. It becomes your world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I imagine if I was young now, would I have like face and neck tattoos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I hate- that's why I don't have a big one, cause like, I can hang in there like an hour and a half, two hours, and then I'm like, stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's awful. After a while it gets a little less painful, but you sweat because you can't move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're just sitting there, your natural instinct to flinch, you have to like thwart it the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have some regrets. I have one. I regret this Cleveland Browns helmet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you have that? I was a- I loved the Cleveland Browns for a little while. And I liked- I just don't really like football anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just like what they do to the players, the way the players are treated after the fact, I don't like. They just kind of abandon these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, we didn't, we, this was back when we didn't have a team here. Right. And it was the year the Browns got their team back. I just thought it was like a nice, I just made some


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The very first tattoo I got was from this guy I went to college with. He worked at a tattoo shop. And then I heard rumors that like, oh yea, if you get a big one from him, I heard he hides drawings of shit in it. Like, as a prank. And so I never went to him again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would hide, and for a while he was doing this thing where you could come to him and get, if you were willing to get a martini glass with shit in it, he'd do it for free. Great artist! This guy Mark Hedgie could draw his fucking balls off. I think he's still a tattoo artist in Detroit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could always kind of do it. It's weird to me that people can't. I actually find it strange. Well because like, you guys can write letters, you can make an R look like an R, and to me it's like the same thing kind of, but it doesn't yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an issue of time. Hyperrealists, they just, what they have is a kind of patience. That's insane. And a lot of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to understand not to be addicted to these people, but a lot, you know, there's a lot of tricks too. Really? Well, you use a graph or a projector to get like the base structure right, and then you just spend, oh, it's a documentary called, I think it's called Finding Marilyn. It's about a guy who spent ten years doing a hyper-realistic portrait of Marilyn Monroe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean, he drew like less than an inch a day, like a square inch. And his big plan was he knew a guy who knew a guy that knew David Hockney. And so he was gonna show it to David Hockney and that was gonna like start his career. He spent 10 years, like 12 hours a day. It's not well thought out as a plan. No, no, no, no, no. Not at all well thought out. Good documentary though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really interesting. That is equal parts romance and safe and thinking about your own safety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he basically was like, hey, I'll give you a part, multiple parts in a movie, this one lady, and then they boned, and then there was, there's some hilarious text messages. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand why people that rich can't just go to escorts and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, is it the win? Like, oh yeah, you're, you're so hot. Like, you, you need me. Yeah. I'm so cool. That I've got. But you're also so rich, can't you just impress people with your power by like, going on a yacht?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, wanna go to Paris on our first date? Yeah. Like, isn't that the move?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would make actually me feel uglier. That I know the only, if she brought up like, I'd love to get in that new movie, I'd be like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that to me, I'd already be worried about that and be feeling that. So the minute it got confirmed, I'd be like, you know, thank you, next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It baffles me that these rich guys can't figure out a way to get this. I mean, probably a lot of them can. But the ones that get caught, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An old rich guy always wants a woman that's too hot and too young for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Add it to the collection. That is the opposite of a finger with grease on it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, there is clearly a temperature difference in every couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that accent. What's going on? It's a professor. The professor from Killigan's Islands. But yea, for some reason, I've never been the same temperature as anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I, I think I, well I never, I sleep in just underpants. Yeah, that's what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say the only thing that bothers me is when someone's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't this such a beautiful testament to your relationship that these are your problems?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they doing the same, they were both setting fires in the backyard, and I slapped mine, and fucking then he slapped mine, but I can't slap his? Cause she blind? There could be many worse things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I just maybe made a turn, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I overestimate my own reflexes. I think I make left turns a little closer to a car coming towards us than she'd prefer. Cause again, she's passenger side. So if we get broadsided, Kevin walks away dead girlfriend. Right. So, I think she was just like, uh, like a little like that, and I was like, oh, I wanna do that. I just didn't, I just very rarely anyone in my car. She was like, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look, if you're gonna get a car that, he bought a fancy car that's fast, you gotta... It was a Jeep Cherokee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the problem with a Jeep Cherokee is? They feel kinda loose. Cause they're up a little high, like shocks. When a Jeep Cherokee takes off, you feel like you're on a roller coaster a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you agreed with what I just said, I think you just said yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at you with your two screen. I know. I remember, I remember you guys just hosting at like the Irvine Improv. Yea. For some shit box, you know, showcase. Everyone was poor. The parking lot at the comedy store is so funny to me now. Just like, Tesla, Tesla, Tesla, Porsche, Porsche, Porsche, Corvette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. Watching someone get rich from talking about their butt is about my favorite, like crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about wanting to put oil on somebody. Okay. Oh man. Yea, let's watch this piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, but I will say, when I go to my gym, I don't know, I'm usually there with a bunch of other men in their 40s and there's a look on all our faces like, why are we doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's just to like, I don't want to have to make fashion decisions based on, like, bad. Like, when I start having to buy new pants, then you're like, oh man, it's very depressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you're giving away clothes, I went and bought jeans once and there's this, eh, this company where you could, you could like return in your cool looking beat up jeans, they give you half off a new pair. And I was returning a pair and getting a size up because yea, most people return for this reason. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, oh, just like dudes in their late thirties who have like, you know, need a bigger size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't, the other day I was like picking something up and I made a noise and I, and I thought to myself, I don't even know that I need to make a noise, I just now do it. Right, right. That like, when I bend over to pick up a quarter, I go ughh, and I don't even know if I'm feeling that noise, or I'm just now, that's what I do when I pick something up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That'd be bad. Yeah. I also don't want boobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna, like I don't wanna, I don't know. I don't know. I'm vain, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you're doing, your face is your face. And your elbow skin tells the truth. So you can't, there's certain parts of your body, like I don't care. I go to the gym every day for the next four years. There's still gonna be parts of my body that are like, what's up dude who's in his 40s for sure? Like I don't care. And let's be honest, your dick is just a fucking lie detector test all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one has new looking nuts. Like you can't, there's no, there is literally not a machine at the gym that tightens up your scrot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Miami once and let me tell you about who hated it. This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing, as far as like- It's not your jam. It is, you could not pick a place less that I'd wanna go to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. And like, I was young enough to where strip clubs didn't make me sad. Yeaah, that's true. Where it's like, over a certain age, I could not, I couldn't separate myself from like, the sadness of a strip joint. Past like 26. I was just like, uh, that bruise looks un-planned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when she's like, just putting myself through school and I'm like, are you though? Like, how long have you been saying that? Like, are you really gonna be in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like lemme ask you this, Cinnamon. Is this the last rung on the ladder? Or do you feel like there's one below this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, hey, I'm here, let's do this. They're like, ehh, ehh, I don't know. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nev- I never feel like amateur porn is the woman's idea on any level. It's always a dude who's dating a girl too hot for him, and he's like, come on, I'll be so rad! And then, 11 years later when it's still on the internet, this poor lady's like, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damnit. Could you imagine? Just watch him, they always have the worst tan lines, like the dudes, there's no care. There's just no care taken in anything about them. Their pubic hair is a disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's certainly, yea, he's certainly not picking her up. There's nothing interesting about him. He's like a dude that, that you know. It's like I'm gonna see him at the open mic. Yea. You know, I don't want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I liked 90s porn just cause there was no future in it and I was like, these people just wanna fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, again, it's the same thing as like owning a strip- Okay, I will tell you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In like two, this is probably fifteen years ago. I watched a special, I watched Real Sex on HBO. Yea yea, I loved that show. And there was a guy on it, this, uh, he was a gay porn director and a drag queen I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he ran a voyeur house for gay guys. And all he did was set up cameras all over this house and he was making a million seven a month in subscriptions. And I had a little money time and I was like, oh, are we doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what do I just rent a house in West Hollywood? Rig it? I figured like getting in would probably cost you 50 grand and then just offer free rent to hot dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think probably that ship has sailed because no one pays for porn anymore. But he said he's like, he's like, our subscribers, because you could type in what you wanted the guys to do. He's like, they don't even want to watch them have sex. They're like, take off your socks, take a shower. Like simple things, like real life stuff. Oh wow, that sounds interesting. And I was like, this feels almost victimless and I would love that money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What people, what qualifies as porn now, it's like fucking jeez, it just seems like evidence. And like a long running investigation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like, it feels like, I always, I think there's like, in my head, there's like a meeting of like, what kind of porn should we make of the industry? And they're all like, how about people boating who are attractive? And everyone's like, good idea. And then I feel like there's one guy who's like, brothers and sisters are like, ugh. Like, hey Scott, relax. But that's gotta be. But he won't shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They love that incest shit, man. I've noticed they rename, like, clips that aren't... They'll just name anything, like, Step Sister. It's like, nah, it's Plumber. That's Plumber scenario. Oh, but they're trying to get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. There was a figure model at my art school that was legitimately old, like she was like 85. And an 85 year old naked woman is more of a sculpture than something you wanna touch. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At art center, I think you got paid okay, I think you got like a few hundred bucks. Cause it's a long, it's a seven hour class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, everyone was serious? You'd be surprised, I actually thought about this. I noticed, I, even, some of the models were beautiful people. I never once got aroused. Cause you're, my brain can't try to figure out how to draw something and think about it sexually at the same time. It just doesn't happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've told this story before, but it was a long time ago. There was a guy who modeled at Pasadena City College. He was a dancer. His name was Shadow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, eh, I would tell my friends about it, I was like, there's this dude, and they didn't believe me, so one day I just drew it to scale, and like brought it by, I was like, here it is, and they were like, huh, like it was unusably large.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was real thin, like he was, he was really cool looking, he had like really long dreadlocks and wore like these cool scars and he had this cool like, cane he would kind of stand on, then lean up, but this thing was shocking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was shocking, and, and, but again, like, really impressive, but it wasn't, it's just, you, you, you're really just drawing shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only if they're doing like a laying pose. Like sometimes you do like an hour long- in a painting class, you do like a long pose all day, like a three hour pose. So they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo, no one ever, oh wait, no, oh yeaah, there was one old guy, he looked like Santa Claus, and he would nod off and snore, it was pretty cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a professional ex-dancer who was Latin and he had a good piece and a great body. And then there was a guy that kinda looked like a bodybuilder and he had a decent piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a good, those guys were all really good figure models. Now I go to one, I go to like a figure drawing workshop, there's never any dudes. It's all women who are like kinda dancer-y looking and I think it's because they probably pay like a hundred bucks and like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a room with someone randomly naked. Really? There was only one, when I was in school there was this guy, who was autistic, but a brilliant artist, like he could draw crazy good, and he was a little strange, and I guess he was staring at the model just like, in a way that was weird, like in between poses, and she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please stop staring at me. Oh, really? Yeah, and so he was a weird dude, so he put a bag over his head and cut like eye holes in it. And then they had to kick him out of school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just a little off. Sounds like it. And he could really only figure draw. He couldn't like, do other stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I tried not to drink water because I don't want to be going to the bathroom all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm there every weekend. Are you there this weekend? No, I'm with Whitney this weekend in DC. She's taping her special. You're gonna open the special? Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, story, you can find me on social media, Kevin G. Christie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's no way he's not in demand in some region because of that magnificence. And his body was incredible. He's probably 6'1", probably weighed 120 pounds. God. And 6 pounds of it was dick. And he was so nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know my friend Travis went to junior college with me and we were like DANG! Like it was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a world. It just feels very, um, generic. It feels generic. It's generic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of panning sometimes. Maybe. Oh wait, I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and the science. Science medicals!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you mommies. Oh you too, I love you too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when he smoked with me, he put out his dick, I couldn't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can find anybody, you know, that won't get you into trouble. Smoke some meth. The more you smoke off that bowl, the harder your dick will get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open up your heart to me in your arms. To me. Let's go full throttle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 24th in Mandiego, California. I'll be doing the House of Blues. Get your tickets. That's on the Thanksgiving weekend. What a better time to get out of your goddamn house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And go to a show at that point, right? December 8th, Gramercy Theatre, I've added a late show, 10.30. Uh, tickets are now on regular sale. We did a pre-sale last week, that went gangbusters. So, looks like Judork Titties is coming out strong, uh, for this main mommy, and I appreciate that. So get those tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In advance. And that's it for now, but we're working on 2019.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very excited. There's some big cities coming up. What about Eugene jackets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. You know how many emails we get and tweets telling us that they can't even hear the phrase try it out now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inference? How do you say it? Inference? This might be another one of those weird foreign things because I was raised by foreigners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have diarrhea, how are they farting? Those are the two biggest, uh, how are they burping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a lot, and again, the big issues of the film were not addressed, uh, that was upsetting. But we stayed, so we stayed in a hotel, we had a baby moon, our very last one before this baby jeans comes into town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as usual, we were perusing the porn options in the hotel room, uh, cause we were, you know, the one was like, daddy loves my big tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell a lot about the hotel's clientele by what kind of porn they offer in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daddy loves my big dance. And what really kind of upset me, uh, with these titles is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm leaving so much money on the table right now. You are. Cause right now I'm nine months pregnant and that is such a lucrative porn category.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's an ideal time. Your body looks great, you feel great, you're at the top of your game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what's to lose?


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh, can we talk about these two, by the way? First of all, let's- We're jumping all over the place here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I s- you know I follow fitmoms of Instagram.


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[Assistant] And there's all these lunatic women who are nine months pregnant doing deadlifts, is that what that's called? Yeah, yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] That's amazing, isn't it? She's fucking half my size. It's amazing, people are capable of.


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[Assistant] Yeah, of course. My favorite are the Instagram, the Fit Moms of Instagram, and they'll be like, four days postpartum, and they're totally flat stomach, six pack, you're like, are you fucking out of your mind? It's okay, just relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But back to what you were saying. So we, we had Mosha and Natasha in, they have a special on Netflix, uh, the honeymoon tour and they were delightful and we learned so much about them. But I think the real carry away and the thing that's been kind of sticking to you and me is the fact that they don't fart in front of each other.


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[Assistant] Listen, I can't even wrap my brain around something like that.


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[Assistant] I feel like I started that lead in our relationship and then it was completely disregarded. It was disregarded.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know about that. I just know that I had wishes, I had things established and those wishes were just done away with. I waited months. Three.


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[Assistant] And you put my hand in your lap. We were watching TV together, sitting in your boxers as usual.


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[Assistant] Well, and what's really interesting about their interview is that they don't even announce when they have to take dumps in front of each other.


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[Assistant] Which I find so ho- I mean how do you live with somebody every day, day to day, and you just disappear for 15 minutes?


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[Assistant] Yeah, which generally breaks down a lot of those barriers. If you've seen a woman give birth, you generally-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly, yeah, I mean, look, I'm not trying to pass judgment on them. I'm just trying to understand how you can go without farting. She didn't want to talk about that. And shitting for six years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, my, my ex-stepmom and dad, my stepmom had this policy. There's no farting.


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[Assistant] Never, not in the, not in the 17 years I knew her. Now my dad on the other hand would disregard it from time to time when I was around at least.


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[Assistant] And then we would have a good laugh at the fart and she would get very upset and she would leave and get really, really, really mad.


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[Assistant] So I think they had that no fart policy.


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[Assistant] Again, I'm not judging them, that's totally their decision. I'm just trying to wrap my head around how it would be even possible for us, I'm saying.


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[Assistant] I'm sure, yeah, Meryl Streep, Cher, and all these, you know, uhm,


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[Assistant] But I-I can't think of something I'd want to watch less.


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[Assistant] I mean, and then I got to thinking, what are the other horrible movies I could make you watch? So would you rather-


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[Assistant] I walked out of the movie about PT Barnum. I didn't know that fucking was a musical.


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[Assistant] And then halfway through the first song, I was like, I don't know if I can do this. And by the third song, I was like, I'm out. I gotta go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was in a, uh, Poota. Was I pregnant? Yeah. No, no, I wasn't pregnant.


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[Assistant] Well, here's Mama Mia as a chick flick, so is Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's the thing. I like Abba's music. I have to admit. So you could tolerate that one. I grew up listening to it cause both my parents are Euro, you know, they like that stuff. So I like Fernando. I like, I like a lot of the Abba songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think Mamma Mia's been out for a, it was a musical for a long time and then they did these movies of it and now there's a sequel to the first Mamma Mia. She's pregnant. This is where my mom got her pregnant.


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[Assistant] Uh, but yeaah, it's, a lot of us Euro trashers love Mamma Mia. I'm pretty sure my stepmom went to go see it.


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[Assistant] And once that baby jeans comes out, the baby's gonna have more farts than both of you. So time to get over it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I love the idea that women are strong in the burp game.


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[Assistant] I mean sometimes I feel like mine are better than yours and sometimes yours are better than mine.


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[Assistant] Well, here's why. Your farts are consistent over time. I'm more regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But sometimes my burp game is strong, sometimes yours is.


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[Assistant] It all fluctuates. It's all cycles and seasons, you know? Yeah. Uh, so we were driving yesterday home and, um, I saw somebody walking their dog shirtless as usual, which I find horrifically disgusting. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Anyways, I had one of those things, Tommy, where I've been saying something one way for 42 years.


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[Assistant] Like smart and final, remember what I was like? Dude, I don't even know what's in smart and final. I thought it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Office supplies, like yea, you're smart, but all sales are final. I had no idea that Smart and Final was like a grocery type of store.


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[Assistant] I go, that guy's wearing a sun visor. How fucking lame is that? Like a sun visor is the fucking most useless thing cause your top of your head is burning.


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[Assistant] And you go, it's not a sun visor, you dork. It's just called a visor.


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[Assistant] My fucking head exploded because I'm like, my whole life my parents have called it a sun visor.


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[Assistant] They're so lame, sun visors though. Just makes the top of your head hot.


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[Assistant] Like yea, if it's hot, it implies that the sun's out and cooking your head. So why would you leave that part of your head uncovered and then why not just wear a cap, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they do to you after childbirth when I'm your first son. The minute that epidural wears off, they get around you and they're like, you have to pee. And if you don't, we're going to put the catheter back in. And boy, you push that pee out.


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[Assistant] That's what I said. Every time I see my doctor, I go, when do I get the drugs? And he goes, whenever you want. And I'm like, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. And we had a couple in here, uh, last episode, and they've been together for six years, and they- That's not gonna last. It's not gonna last at all.


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[Assistant] Most people, yeaah, like if you get it beforehand, it's the temptation to just go through it.


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[Assistant] Do you remember, I don't know how long you've been in LA for, but I remember in like the 80s and the late 70s there was like the Pussycat Theater, which they would show pornography in movie theaters.


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[Assistant] I remember my mother going on a date with a man to the Pussycat Theater. Like in the 80's she was single and she went on a date with a guy.


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[Assistant] But my mom dated this guy for like 10 years after, so obviously it was a good thing.


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[Assistant] 40. I thought the cuz, like 660 something. Is the funniest number, huh?


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[Assistant] Well, uhm, Tom and I do this thing where when we go through the Starbucks drive-thru, we say, uhm, hey mommy, and then you go on your order. You can call people mommy, like wager- waitresses or anybody, and they don't even pick up on it.


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[Assistant] I remember the original submission, he goes, kiss my pussy chicken, and she goes, kung-pow chicken.


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[Assistant] Well, what were some of the things you listed like, uh, he shot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes into the.


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[Assistant] I'm more amazed at how it's gotta be crazy to be that attractive and that famous for that long.


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[Assistant] And like he's the guy, like I had a poster on my wall, like a life-size poster of that dude. He's been hot for that long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He owns two buildings in downtown LA that I've shot stuff in, and it is that, they're like, it's a huge building full of different, is that what you're talking about? Sorry, I'm assuming so. Different scenarios, like one's like a cop station, and one's like a nice hotel room.