[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people get like really, you know, like, Barry Bonds is, you know, famously like, not liked by the press. Right? They're like, he was a dick. I'm like, it's the greatest fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kareem was like that in the 70s and 80s. Whatever. Like the press was like, we hate Kareem, he's such an asshole. And he was like, hm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would be the worst. Why is- I think I'd be the worst and also the, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave me the fuck alone, I don't want to do this. You get contractually your obli- that's the thing, and I think they're assholes, uh, the organizations and the league for making them do that. And now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. How well would you take care of your car if you had to keep the same one for your entire life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a huge advocate for therapy because I have been, I've been going to therapy now for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, I think like eight years, something like that, maybe nine. I do it every week and I love it. I love, I mean, you know, there's weeks where you don't have anything to say and then there's weeks where you just pour it all out and I feel like I'm a much better person because of therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They offer, BetterHelp offers online therapy that has video phone, even live chat only therapy sessions so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.


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[Assistant] Much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash moms house.


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[Assistant] That's BetterHELP.com slash MomsHouse. This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Liquid IV.


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[Assistant] The hot summer months are here. We need to be proactive about keeping our bodies fueled and hydrated. Making hydration a priority can help us feel healthier in our everyday lives. And one stick.


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[Assistant] I love that it comes in little packets. I put them in my backpack. I travel with them on the road.


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[Assistant] I do them first thing when I wake up. We do them post workout. I love Liquid IV. It tastes great. Keeps you hydrated. Liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone.


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[Assistant] contains five essential vitamins B3, B5, B6, B12 and vitamin C with three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks. Grab your Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code YMH.


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[Assistant] Check out, that's 25% off anything you order when you shop.


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[Assistant] I think, I know the players would like it more, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although this talking to you right now just makes me realize how much it's fun to watch a psychopathic coach who just lost have to answer questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the guys who answer things just like the way...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they were programmed? Yeah, they programmed. It's so boring. I like when, you know, like a, like a Mike Leach who, uhm, who's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just saying wild shit, like, you know, he's like, well, if these guys weren't more concerned with their fat fucking girlfriends than playing ball, and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally, and I know when they get to those kids too who are like, and they're like looking at their transcripts and they're like, Jesus, like, can you read?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the answer is I just don't go. Yeah, I don't go. Fuck it, I'm not going. My cousin is from Vegas and he went to UNLV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, like, early 90s, when they had that squad, and now we're talking like Larry Johnson, Stacey Ogman, and they, you know, if you're not familiar, you look up that team, and these dudes were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One gold tooth in the front and he was just, and then, and he's playing against a fucking 18 year old kid. You'd see him and you're like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just yea, double hand, you know, fucking breaking the backboard. So I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's, I was like, you're in class. He goes, yeah, I had Stacey Augman in a class. And I was like, what was that like? He goes, he came one time. He goes, he came one time. He sat with his feet up on another desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally, and here's the thing, we, you know, the world is full of regular folks, and then outliers. And like, people who have like, incredible skills, like I was just in Cincinnati, I hung out with Joe Burrow, you know, the, uh, the Bangles quarterback, and I'm thinking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You take a kid like that when he transfers into, goes into LSU, right? And think about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The impact just financially he has on not just that team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The school, the market, what it does, like, how many more people are watching those games on TV, what that Heisman does, and you go, this is generating...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but we just got you a fucking degree. So, who gives a fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Changes everything, you know? Like I didn't even realize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until I was on this tour, I didn't realize how small enrollment is at Duke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's such like this glorified program that you, it's a national program that for years and years and years just wins and is always in the final four and you're like, I don't know, in your mind, I always just imagine


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bigger school. And you realize, no, this is what something like a great sports team can do for a school is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the billboard of the school, you know? It's really small enrollment, man. It's a few thousand. And you're like, wait, what? A thousand? What's the enrollment, undergrad enrollment, at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a whole, that's the whole fucking school. Holy shit. Like that's, that's like a large high school, you know? Yeah. Like in Miami, that's like a fucking big high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to school in Hickory and there's a really interesting story as to why I went there. I did not get into any other school that I applied to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and here's the thing, I was fucking miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not apply myself in high school. Like, very, like, I mean, I really was a lazy, and I went to a really good prep school. So I was just like one of those kids where they're like, they're just trying, they're like, hey, we know you're not dumb, but could you try? And I was like, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it really was. You see it more clearly when you look back. You're like, I put nothing into this. Same. And they're spending, my parents are spending so much money on sending me to this school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, the, uh, they'd post this thing, like on the patio, they had this thing called the senior patio, uh, where kids are going to school, and it was like Ivy League stuff, pretty much across, it was like Harvard, Columbia, all like that. This kid struggled, he got into Stanford, like that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you just go all down. I mean, it was bad, but I remember going there and it was so, you know, I was like, I remember first of all, I had never heard of it and I was meeting with the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like every kid has a counselor they talk about college prep with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember him being like, it's not looking good for you, man. And I was like, yeaah, he was this, uh, science teacher at the school in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I want you to check out, he said it, Lenore Ryan. I go, what the fuck is that? Sounds like a skin rash or something, you know? He's like, it's a school in Carolina. And I'm like, I still wonder, like, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He suggested that school specifically. Because it's not like, it's not like known as like an easy, it's a small private school. I really think maybe he was like, hmm, they'll take a kid who you won't apply for a financial aid or something and maybe they'll accept you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remember going and I was like, I don't want to go to school. I was applying to what I thought were big college experiences, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I applied to like, I think University of South, I actually, my dream school was DU, Denver University.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good school. But you couldn't get in there. I applied and they said, no thanks. You had no chance. The funny thing is my best friend from high school, who I was classmates with, had a lower SAT, but a higher GPA. He got in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was your GPA, do you remember? At high school, I think 2-1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2-1? It was second lowest in the class. The only kid with a lower GPA was named Norbert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had multiple F's because of uhm, what's that subject with the numbers? Math. Math, yeaah, yeaah. Uhm, I failed multiple math classes. And I also, but here's the thing, I would just go like, yeaah, I don't do math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing is, you know, you, when you grow up and then you go, I mean, I'm not, I don't find myself to be particularly intimidated by numbers or like having, you know what I mean? Like having statistic type conversations. But man, as soon as I got into algebra, I was like, no, this is not for me. No, I want to do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make him just live. This is a perfect chapter for Freakonomics. Did you ever read Freakonomics? Yea, I did. Yea, it's exactly right. Remember Winner and Loser? The guy named his twin boys Winner and Loser. And then Winner ended up going to jail. A bunch. A lot. Like his career criminal. And Loser became a police captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who ended up going by Lou, because he was like, I think I should probably modify this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, imagine to, imagine the chuckle that the booking police officers have when they're putting like lock, like, you know, doing the mug shot and who we have here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're just, it's, it's a fun age of them just being like wild boys. Yeah. Three and six. A lot of dick outs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like in the living room the other day and my three year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, look at it. I go, I know what it is. I have one too. Go to your room and do that. And he's like, hold on. I'm like, no. I'm like, no dude. Get outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I realized that like, you know, when you're that age, you're probably like, isn't this crazy that this thing grows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first, now I don't remember the first time. I do remember that I was masturbating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I knew that I was masturbating and that I told my cousin, I was like, do you do that thing where like you, you know, like you kind of like rub the head and like your body like gets these shivers and he was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by DoorDash. What do you want to eat tonight? Maybe you want a home cooked favorite, but you don't feel like going to the store. You want something exciting and new, but it would be great to stay in tonight. DoorDash connects you


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[Assistant] With everything you want, whenever and however you want it. I'll tell you a little story. I'm in Los Angeles right now. I'm staying at a hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I decided I wanted, uh, some sushi from the old neighborhood last night. So you know what I did? I opened my DoorDash app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just put in that place and I got the feeling that I was eating in the old neighborhood, but I was really in my hotel room in my boxers. And that's how I like to eat and restaurants get pissed when you do it. So I do it in the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love DoorDash. You get what you want when you want it right now with DoorDash along with the restaurants you love. You can get groceries, essential items delivered to you, drinks, snacks. They have it all.


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[Assistant] That's 25% off, up to a $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter the code YMH. Don't forget, that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash, subject to change, terms apply.


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[Assistant] I don't know how dumb this was, but I used to, like, I used to ask, like, my college roommates. One of them was like, oh, you know, I was like, what are you, like, where do you jerk off into? He's like, oh into a tissue. And I was like, yeah, but I have monster loads. And he was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, I go, how much comes out? He's like, I don't know, like a few drops or something. I was like, Oh no, no, I have like ropes. I need like, I need like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, wait, where do you shoot it? I go, I shoot it into like my boxers, and then I just dispose of those. You just throw them away? No, but I mean like, I go like, at least they're contained. It's contained in this. It's crumpled. Yeah. And then I just throw that in the hamper or something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] OnlyFans? Yea. Yea? You should do one. Dude, that would be rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other thing is, you know, it was all like sex workers and then it, then it became like sex workers and like just hot people. And now, OnlyFans also has just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would pay to see that, but I don't want to give that access to my- I don't want to be like, I'm home now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I show, see it's clean, and then that's why it's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not showing her twat. Wait, she's not showing her chochino? I don't think so. Wow. I thought so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the majority of her, like well, it's spread out between the monthly subscriptions, I saw the breakdown, and then messages. So you can pay, I think 50 bucks, not even a crazy amount for a message, and she'd make like 27 million off of messages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so sorry, uhm, can you make that bigger by chance? The uhm, yeaah, this is like a bit of the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tips 5500. Subscriptions 757,000. Yeaah. So you're right. So for the month, the gross is a million, right? Am I reading that right? I said I was not a good math student.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet she banks a million and six hours. That was six hours. Sorry, that was one day. That wasn't the month. That was one day. It was April 1st to April 1st, so that was one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll just buttplugs or buttplay in general, like your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've heard that like drinking urine is not, uh, uhm. It's sterile for me. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had anything like disease wise, your piss can infect somebody, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, or like you can piss someone's eyes or something like that. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, are we talking uhm, you know, first thing in the morning, which is usually around 3 or 4 p.m., uhm, when you have that first pee, it's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then do you have to like, do you need something? Do you like call Kalei? Like do you have to like find other ways?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not- He had that sweet, it was like her niece or something. She was always- Rudy, she's on the- yea, she's on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It is, and she has like a different complexion. It is, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? He's a more beautiful woman than he is a man. I couldn't agree more. Makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of women, uh, have you seen this bit? I just, I just, I don't know. I don't know who this is. Like, let me see if I can see who did this. It's Seth. Is it Goblin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she's active anymore. Fuck. There's the one who's in Russia. What's her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Candice Parker's incredible. And what's the one, it's like Italian, like the long... Shoebird. No, the, uh... Lookit, I got three. You did get three. What's the, she's, um, she's got like that long face. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uhm. Is she Italian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's, she's like really well. You would, you've recognized. Diana Tarassi. That's her name. Is that her name? Yeah. Diana Tarassi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing that's hilarious about people getting up, like, that guy's obviously, he's like, just, you know, stirring shit up, like, dang it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, which is hilarious, but when people go like, uh, they should get paid more, it's like no, you get paid more because the business thrives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's really struggled as a league for a long time. Well how much are the tickets? And here's one of the craziest things. I learned this like a year or two ago. That you know who doesn't support the WNBA? I'm talking about with ticket sales and such. Women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The attendees of, uh, attendance of the games. It's mostly men. It's mostly men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw him run it like two years ago. And I was like, dude, this is a, a really fascinating hour in that it's one topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to make jokes that are in like, I like that it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're learning something, you know, that you wouldn't know, and laughing, it's a really good formula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen that. I've never seen that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It also would be crazy to be like, that's where I'm from. Right? If like somebody was like, where are you from? Truth or consequence? They're like, okay, could you tell me where you're from? I'll take truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, scroll a little bit. It was, hold on. It has frequently been noted on lists of unusual place names for having chosen to rename itself in March of 1950.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After the Truth or Consequences radio show? That's what they fucking named it after? It sounds like a comedian's tour. Truth or Consequences. It sounds like one that has caution tape around his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember following guys like that, like on those like shows you do coming up when they're like, you know, you don't want me up there next. You're like, wait, what? And they're like, I don't fucking, I don't care about nothing. I'll say whatever. There's always a victim to my jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, Bert. Uh, I saw him four weeks before the tour started and he was like, you're about to see a new me. And I was like, when? And he goes, when the tour starts. I was like, in a month? He goes, yup, I'm gonna be fucking jacked. I was like, alright. He is jacked. And then he did, uh, he did a cleanse for like five days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five day cleanse? Yeah, like a five or six day cleanse. And then, you know, he drops some weight. He's like, I go, yeah, but that's not real weight loss. You just are not eating right now. It's water weight. Yeah. And then he went back on tour and everything. He's like, ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many people have, like, uh, clips of their stuff up, like, the night after they do it, they have like a guy that's with them, shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't either. I've had a guy who, you know, sometimes you just notice that I was posting photos from my tour and the same dude would go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I don't think I will unless I so feel inclined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they were talking 54 years ago, basically. 55, really. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, they're back there. She's built in such a way that you have to really look back there. It's pretty cool. Here, let me show you something super rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you listening, this truck comes flying by. This is uhm, I don't know, it's not Chicago, but I don't know what city it is. Taipei. And the truck gets lifted, and there's a guy that happens to be standing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just on the side of the road. Mining his own business. And he almost gets, his life almost ends. We just lost it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like how he was, like he, if he had been standing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A foot this way, then the front of the truck just mashes him into the wall, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it was, it was so horrible. It was, uh, it was, this is true. This is actually very true. In Africa, there was, uh, there's a, I guess there's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was some war or fighting between Cameroon and a neighboring country and there was video of these soldiers walking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people to execute them. And then they said like, no, this what, like when people said you're executing people in this part of the world, like in this part, they all were like, no, no, that's not what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then GeoMappers, the New York Times did this profile, it was unbelievable, showed the video and then it would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pause it and like show the range of the mountains and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then line it up with the real mountain range, and then they kept doing it throughout the video, so they were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The video was eventually used to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As evidence? As evidence, and these guys ended up going to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it? That's geo-ranking. I think, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you find it again, send it to me. So I like that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean the ones that are on the street, and then a person standing there with their phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm never doing that. If I ever saw this like in a parking lot or something, I'm going in the opposite direction. I'm not gonna be like, oh, what's going on over here? I leave, I leave. Yeah, you're gonna lose your fucking limbs, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I also had like real intimidation factor for, for bikes. You know? You're scared of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I remember growing up, I had a friend's mother had these like horrific, like, uh, summertime you go to the pool, these horrific scars. I was like, how'd you get those? She was like, oh, motorcycle. And like that was really young and I was like, oh, you know, and then I didn't actually get on a motorcycle and drive one until


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A year and a half, two years ago. They're so fun. And it was fun, uhm, but I, you know, I was like, oh, I need some practice at this, it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta have some fun when you're, when you're, when you're touring too much. It's like you kinda go, what am I doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say dad. No, they say dad. They never said daddy. I mean, I feel like they almost get out of it on their own. Like they say that, that like when they're like really small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they call her? Oh, you're home, Tom. Um, they call her mommy mom. Yeah. Mommy mom. Yeah. They're both, they go, I'm trying to think cause Julian won't, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's real love. That's real love. Or my favorite is, cause this is also love, I go, I love you. And they go, I know. And I'm like, how do you know? You say it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Never. Isn't that like, you don't have kids? No. But it's so weird when you hear those stories and you have kids and you go like, how can you not say it to your kid? You know what I mean? Like if you have a kid, I bet you're gonna say I love you like crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like uhm, there's like almost like a high society type of model? Let's say, you think of like high end modeling? I feel like that's all like, kiss on the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why it's like in that world a big thing. Like, like literally fashion. Yeah. But uhm, I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like going out with, not even like dating, but going out with a group and the girls were all like, like basically almost like goodbye darling and like would all mouth kiss and you're like the fuck is happening right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you put it in the person's butt that you're saying goodbye to. Right, that makes sense. Right, and then you have to go like, you go like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just do, I know. I have to say that the first one who did it, this is years ago, but she went, I was kind of like, oh, like I almost went like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say yes, but almost like you said, like it, you know, I think when you have kids, things kind of change too, because maybe she's like, I'm like, I'm late. I got it. I'll see you guys later. Like if we're in the proximity of each other. Yeah, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could also really up that life insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much on me, so much. And then if Christina dies, I get like a fuckin' weekend at the Wiltern Monument like, hey, how about we up this a little bit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she probably wants me to- I don't even gotta tell her the policy. I'm like, Jesus Christ, this is so much money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite detail is like I saw one of these about a murder on one of these shows and they go, the, like, the, the guy, the woman planned it, you know, and the guy died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, the day he died, she was like, what's up with, like, she called the insurance company, like, how do I collect this? They're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why we need, we need to up that policy so I can hire somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if I can hire someone. Yea, you should. Okay, question for you. Yea, yea. You know, I'm uh, obviously I love videos and clips and we try to, you know. Yea. So, tell me if you think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, I sent the boys this one. It's on this other screen. And they, I go, I want this on the show. And they go, we can't play this on YouTube. And I was like, bullshit. And he was like, you can't. So I was like, alright. Let's show Santino. Yeah. And let him weigh in on whether it's YouTube friendly or not. Sure. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your, what's your, like, angle on why it's not YouTube friendly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it say, by the way, let's see right now, does it say in the, in this story, or like, you know, in that video description, does it say where it is or any of those comments?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's gonna say where it is though. That's so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know a couple hickory boys that would do that. It's crazy! And there was one guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was, uh, slang in that stuff. And he shot himself in the leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. That's pretty cool. Uhm, so your vote is YouTube friendly though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause uhm, okay, tell me about this one. This is Memorial Weekend this year. Right? This is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Do that, look him up, look up his hand, Jason Pierre Paul hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's got ring finger, pinky, thumb, and he's missing index and middle. Can you make that larger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are they called? They're like, it's like considered a mini stick of dynamite. M-80s? Yeah, M-80s. Yeah, you're dead. And we would, you know, I just remember going out with these guys, I've got an M-80. You just go out in this field, like near the neighborhood. And you're like standing right there like, I think we should get back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that is, so I took a few flying lessons, and the one that I took in Santa Monica, we went up into Cessna, like a single engine Cessna, and what I was so, like flying around, you're like, okay, the approach to land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked to one of his former teammates and we were talking about like freak athlete stuff and he was like, dude, because he would just like basically strip down and then work out like in shorts so that everybody could see like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have that, uhm, they have those D1 frames too, which is just like, wow. It's just like, it's everything you are, but you're like, oh, it's a step bigger and better. Your back is a shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the fireworks, not so much. Cause there's a little, it's kinda gory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that if I left, leapt off this parking garage, I would just land. What was really gonna happen to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I was just commenting cause I just saw the uhm, the last Jackass movie, Jackass Forever. Oh my god. It was so funny, but one of the things I noticed during it is you're watching it and there's uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are these, uh, new cast members. And they're much younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just the way how they would like fall and just bounce up and you're like, Oh, that's someone who's like 26. Right? Like he was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard that that last stunt has like some lasting effect. I don't know him personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This last one though, that bull flips him and he's really fucking knocked out. Oh yeaah. And those are major concussions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do. I really hope he doesn't do some shit like that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like if I would have been that guy, like if I had done that, they'd have been like, oh this vest had a malfunction. I would definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he's been doing that for like 40 years. It's crazy. 30 years. Yea, I feel like I was in college and he was on television doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's, I know, it's only us guys that are wired like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Why would you do that? Like it's funny to watch you get hurt, but I don't want to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we gotta wrap it up. Uh, thank you so much for coming today. Thank you, man. It's good to see you, babe. It's good to see you too. Uhm, good to... You wanna say anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The President of the United States does not have meetings with Elon Musk. That is fucking, hey, here, come, come, come, come get me. That's fucking retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, who did the edit though on the video? Yea, we're not on that version. You gotta find the version that was like the music video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But JD is blacker than a city called Atlanta. Give me some elbow room. I need some elbow room. So I can boom shakka like a boom. That's the sound of the 20 gauge. Yeah. Lock us up in the lynch mark and break out of any cage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was almost kidnapped and quick thinking saved my life. So back during 2020 I was taking a lot of long walks because we were in lockdown. And like a moron, I had the same pattern. I walked the same route every day. Well, in one afternoon I was walking the isolated highway out here by my house. There were cornfields on either side of the highway and no houses anywhere for at least a solid mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm walking, I hear a car coming up behind me, so I step aside to let the car pass so that I can carry on. This car, he does drive past me, but only about 10 yards and then stops right in front of me. And so I immediately stop walking and I watch him and I'm like, what is he doing? And this black sedan is just sitting there about 10 yards in front of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waiting for me to walk past it. And let me tell you, a fear came over me that I cannot explain and I have never had before or since then. That fear that tells you something is very wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm standing there, I'm waiting it out, and this guy, I see the reverse lights flash, which means he put his car in park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The man put his car in park and was now looking at me through the driver's side mirror. It's just me and him. There is nobody. If I scream, nobody is going to hear me. There's fields on either side. There's nowhere I can run except backwards. So I think fast. I don't have pepper spray. I don't have my pistol on me, but I do have my phone. So I grab my phone and I immediately


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever is about to happen is going to happen in seconds and no cop is going to get to me in time. But I wanted this guy to think that I was talking to the police. And it seemed to work. As soon as I pulled my phone out and started acting like I was talking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reverse lights go back, he puts the car in drive, and he takes off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't even put shoes on or anything, he grabs his keys, he jumps in his truck and he's like, alright, I'm on my way, I'm coming to you, stay on the phone with me. And y'all, something in me just knew, like, even though that car drove away, he's coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And come back for me, and I'm waiting to see whose car I'm gonna see first. This guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or my friend Kevin, who is gonna show up and get me first. And thank God I see Kevin's truck around the corner first and I wave him and he flies over to me and I jump in the truck and shut the door and we take off. But y'all, I kid you not, as we're taking off, we look in the rearview mirror and y'all, that sedan had turned around and it had come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, Kevin, that's the car, that's the car. He came back. And we're still driving away, but we're watching him in the rearview mirror, and y'all, he parks his car right where I was standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. Can you imagine? No, I can't. I've never experienced anything like that in my life. Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking about mixing it up, maybe trying a new Saatva myself. So I might meet you in the checkout line when you go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not what you think. I always thought memory foam was just something that you just kind of sink into and is super soft. It like molds to your body. It's incredible. I can't recommend their stuff enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Environmentally friendly, great customer support, mattress takeaway service, which I think is incredible. Go to SATVA, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to the hardest hitting news podcast on the internet. Real interest rates go up. We're gonna explore all the places your money should be. Maybe muni bonds? What's going on in the Ukraine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to your mom's house. Uhm, you may have noticed that my usual co-host is no longer here. She decided to play chicken with a semi and she lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show must go on. So sitting in permanently for Christina P is my good buddy, the full charge, Matt Folchron. Thanks for coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, uh, how is it in, uh, you're in New York right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad I'm happy for you. I've met your, uh, I've met your, your lovely, uh, wife now a number of times. Uh, oh, they're asking you to pull that a little bit closer to your mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, well, you know, I've met other ladies with Matt Folchron over the years. Yeah. I've met some of your girlfriends, but you, I think you, you picked the right one, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By semi truck, I meant 2x4. Now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Jesus man, that's wild. That's really, that's like super, super lovely of you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I remember that, you know, my parents, my parents were both hard, well my dad, gone, but they're very Catholic, very Catholic. My mom still is. Uhm, still like, goes to mass during the week, in addition to Sunday mass, like that kind of thing. Phrase the rosary all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and we had, we had, we were got, got married at a, uh, you know, a beach location. So I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just casually, I mean, I'm, I'm, I was much younger. Yeaah. I was like, I think we're gonna do a beach wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my mom was like, what? And I was like, yeah, there's beautiful beach there. So we're going to get married on the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was like saying please for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, all right. And then, you know, I found like there's like one, there happened to be one Catholic church. I mean, the only one on this island, like any, any, like, and then, you know, did it there and I was like, cool. It didn't want to, but thank you. Um, but yours was probably more involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's this other major loophole with priests and young boys where they actually, uhm, just move them to another parish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the one that fucking threw me for a loop so hard was learn- like, you talk to any teacher, biologist, like rational adult, and they're like, yea, masturbation is part of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like light, like, you know, when you hit puberty, it's something you're going to do. And then in the Catholic church, you're supposed to go to, you're supposed to say it in confession. So you'd be in confession with like some strange guy and be like, I am, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think the actual, like the old school Catholic term is that I was impure with myself. And you say that to some guy who's like, how many times?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you the truth that one time for real, it did kind of traumatize me. I was pretty sure he was getting off on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, I was on my knees, you know, cause you're like, yeah, and, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember just hearing the way he was speaking and like breathing and everything. And as I'm doing it, I just remember like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I wasn't like a, I wasn't like 8, I was a teen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was still in, you know, in the, like, church, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just remember, I did say something, of course it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I still- So do you feel like though that what you do or what you've done and then continue to just go through the motions just to keep people-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I didn't know what he's, you know, what he thinks yet. So I go, Hey, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, me too. I mean, it just kind of instilled that anxiety and fear that, you know, a lot of things that are, I mean, look, a lot of it's like, I think, sexually related, right? That they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of it. There's a lot of like, uh, shame and, and, and like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things become, you get repressed and you get, you get a guilt complex over


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even like, I mean sexual acts, but just the normal things that are happening biologically inside of you. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a tier one masturbator. I was jerking off so young. And I also wanted comfort one time and I just walked up and I had done it in the shower. I don't know. I just wanted to be told that's normal or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go up to my dad, and I'm trying to say it, you know, but I'm too scared to say it directly. Right, impure. So I go uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I still remember, I go, I was in the shower and I was, uh, you know, I was like washing myself. And he's like, yeah. And I go, and then I, you know, I was washing like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My private area and then like all this stuff came out. And I'm just like, you know, I'm saying it like a kid so that he'll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, uh, next time don't watch there so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever, have you ever, did you ever masturbate? And he goes, one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I don't either. I mean, he could, you know, all he should have done is been like, don't, you know, don't do it outside while you're looking at a girl at the park. But like, you know, don't do it at the mall. But uhm, then your room is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catholic, yea, felt Catholic. Uh, sassy kid though, sassy kid. I mean, guy is really aggressive, obviously. Leaning into someone's car is some wild shit. Like, I don't care who it is and what age they are. That is a, that's a bull, you don't know what's gonna happen to you if you put your face in someone's car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, so many bad things could happen. He could also be leaning into like the car of a kid who fucking, I don't know, is like, he's a, uh, goes to boxing class every day or something. You know what I mean? You could just, you don't, you could be a kid with a gun. It could be anything. You're just, you're just nuts. There's two of them. Let's start with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least two, there might be someone else in the back, you know, like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, and also like, the uhm, it's a real, you can tell what a smart ass, I remember when you were just so amazed at what a smart ass you or one of your friends can be at that age to say, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's actually brazen, you know, like, cause you don't know if what that is is like, it's, it's a really condescending thing to say to like now to a grown man. And you don't know from the kid's point if that's what makes him just like launch into the car, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing is just so exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's actually so amped up, he actually wanted to say, what are you going to do to me? But it's his adrenaline and the emotions of the moment that actually flipped that on him, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's telling them you're blocking traffic, like you're, you're, you can't be sitting here smoking weed blocking traffic. That's what I heard. Here, here's like the, the, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying that, and the kid's like, we parked here, I mean, he's out there, they're probably obstructing, I don't know, cars in some way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever get into like confrontations as a high school kid with a grown up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? That's intense. That is very intense. You just made me fucking, my blood boil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that actually doesn't feel like something from when you were a kid. That feels like something that from like when our parents were kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try grocery delivery from DoorDash. You'll get everything you want delivered when you need it, right to your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've trusted DoorDash to deliver your restaurant, your favorite restaurant stuff, and now you can get grocery delivery that actually delivers too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With thousands of grocery stores to choose from, you'll find the best in your neighborhood and boost your local economy with each and every order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get exactly what you ordered or we'll make it right. So sit back and enjoy quality groceries just like you picked them yourself. Want even more value?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your first DoorDash order up to a $20 value when you use code HOUSE at checkout. Limited time offer terms apply. That's 50% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to $20 no minimum subtotal and zero delivery fees on your first order. When you download the DoorDash app in the app store and enter the code HOUSE, don't forget that's code HOUSE for 50% off your first order with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I remember I got so much detention in fifth grade at a Catholic school for my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I always, always had a comment and they were like, no recess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one time I remember it was like somebody, like we were in this class and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had made a comment, people laughed, made another comment and she was like, I don't want to hear another word out of you. And I was like, alright. And then somebody, people were like doing presentation stuff, you know, we're 10 years old. So somebody, uh, said something about their grandmother and I think, uh, they showed a photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, god damn it, I just keep getting, you know, stuff like, but that is like, kinda playful stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, like this and what you described is way more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confrontational and way more on, it feels like both those things are on the verge of, or in your case actually is violence. That is violence to grab your face like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the, the one that I remember the most, it was so, I mean it's so infuriating, this one, to me, which was, there was a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at a house party and I was in high school and I was at the party and it was in uhm, I don't know, some kids house that was like the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The street was on this level and then the lawn goes up from the street and then the house sat up here. So it was like a, the house was like on a bit of a hill, I don't want to say like a big hill, but like where the lawn was elevated from the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walked down from the house and stood at a car and I was standing there with a girl and somebody from the house threw a bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like flipped over and over and landed and almost hit a car that was driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the guy got out of the car and could not get it out of his head that I didn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, you fucking threw a bottle at me? And I was like, no. And I'm a big kid by the way at this point. I'm like 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, I'm not flex, I'm like respectful. I go, I did not throw that bottle away. And he goes, and he doesn't buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, you out of your fucking mind doing that? I didn't throw that bottle, that bottle came from up there. And he just won't buy it. So, there's like a kid who lives, I think the kid who actually lives at the house, comes down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like telling this kid, he goes, this guy threw the bottle at my car. And I go, I did not throw the bottle at his car. And then the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I, it's, it is one of those things where you go like, there was like, there was no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no outf- like he just couldn't accept that the person that he saw first,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couldn't be the guy, and uhm, yeaah, I just remember how infuriating it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he was like, he knew I'm a kid. Right. And you know, and he's a grown, like he's a man. Yeah. And he's just like, just giving me like the wildest, like speech. Right. And I'm just like, dude, you can say this as much as you want. It's never gonna happen. Like I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's even cra- and do you know that a completely different but very similar thing happened to me in college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm in school and part time at Granger, you know, like the industrial supply place, like people go and they need, I need a fucking this type of bolt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have, a lot of them have multiple, like, this is like, you know, I'm working there part-time as a college student. Two of the guys are brothers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and not only black brothers, but actual blood brothers. One of them is a fireman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's his other job. And the other one is a policeman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, everybody in the warehouse, like we have the best, I don't know, just like the best working relations, just like fun, these are all good guys, like really, uhm, like salt of the earth, great guys, we're all like super friendly, we even do like some social things together, and I'm a college kid, right, these guys are older than me, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just great guys. So I keep telling, uh, the police guy, I'm like, I want to shoot this thing and I want him to be in it. And he's like, he's like, yeah, man. Yeah. And I tell him that I want to shoot it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, after hours at this bank that's off the main highway and I tell him what the scene is and he's like, yeah, whatever, just tell me when.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I picked this like, I think Saturday night, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I checked with this dude a month out, three weeks out, two weeks out, one week out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know he's like, I'm not working Saturdays. Uh huh. Blah, blah, blah. The day before. And then it's like, yep. And then the day of I'm like, we're going to shoot tonight. Yeah. Guess what he does? Doesn't answer. Okay. Doesn't answer. Doesn't. Yeah. Text doesn't, whatever. It doesn't. So I'm like, God damn it, man. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep calling, I'm like hounding him. I'm so like, what the fu- I don't put together that either doesn't want to do it or he's like with a girl and you know, he's just, but instead of telling me I'm not going to do it, he just doesn't answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like what you do in your, I don't know, in your 20s or something. You're just like, I'm just not going to answer this thing that I don't want to do. So we go to the bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're not in the bank. Right. We're at the drive-thru ATM. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confrontational stuff, like da-da, and the guy pulls out the gun, and the same kind of thing as you, right? Here's the difference between Baltimore PD and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, we're just shooting this video. And he's like, is that a real gun? And we're like, no, it's a prop. And he's like, are you supposed to be here? And I was like, I don't know, I talked to, you know, Tony, you know him? And he's like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like it. With their walker. So if you're listening, this appears to be a woman. Is that a woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have on like a big jacket, a hoodie, a hat. Um, but yeah, I mean, I believe this is a woman with a walker, like a, like, or one of the wheelie ones, you know, that like kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Well, there's a lot of like, I see like TVs or something. Clients, maybe there's a like, you know, those paintings or like frame stuff for sale, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the camera pans down, and it looks like this person has destroyed everything that was on the counter. Like, monitors, paperwork, phone, like, it has completely destroyed it. And is, uhm, well, it's pretty confrontational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, I mean for sure this person can get real jail time for assault.


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[Assistant] I mean, taking all kinds of shit and throwing it.


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[Assistant] And what would be the biggest rush of my life would be to be in the store right now. Cause I would just be dialed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say that I uhm, I actually went to a uh, cell phone establishment today. And uh, I went into it with like, I'm mentally preparing myself to have one of the three worst experiences of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, wasn't that bad at all. That's great. I really got lucky.


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[Assistant] No, it was like, the guy I worked with was super nice. The person that worked, like their coworker was nice. They were super helpful. They weren't like, no, you need to like call other people. Like I always associate those types of visits with like, man, this is going to be fucking just the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Oh, there's like washers and dryers. Oh, this is a big fuck here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she just assumed like she saw you at a wedding band and she's putting it together, but I mean, I don't know. It doesn't part of you to just wish that the big guy would just pick her up and throttle her and just, I don't know.


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[Assistant] God damn, that was wild, man. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] It does. Well, I think most of them probably went running out of there. Yeah. That's uhm, man, I wish there was more to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best thing about this, I only know this now after touring so much, is that in the world of touring, you either are somebody that has, um, local


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, here are the guys doing things for you today. Or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a major act, as Elton John is, you bring your whole crew with you to every show. So he is talking to somebody that he knows very well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not a guy who's just like there, trying to get it done. This is fucking Gary. He's like, you fucking idiot fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just did a concert, uh, or a tour that grossed over $300 million.


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[Assistant] He's got a million hit songs. I always think it's cool when somebody who, uh, is like in their seventies is still that type of draw. I think that's rad. Oh dude, it's amazing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better and better, yeaah. And he's probably sassier and sassier every fucking time he does a show. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course, man. It's the hits. The guy's amazing. He's absolutely amazing. You know, I was thinking back to, because I have known you for, uh, 20 years basically. I mean, I moved to LA in 2002. I started doing stand-up later that year and I was, you know, meeting people like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, Sickler, all with like, all within 12 months of that, I haven't met you guys.


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[Assistant] Well, thanks, I uhm, I mean, it's so nerve wracking. When you think back, you can still feel the nerves. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] We're trying to do that, but uhm, I mean, I uhm, you know, we worked together even at one point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was called my big fat obnoxious balls. There you go! Yea, that's right. Right. And what he's saying, by the way, is when you shoot reality shows, cameras run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they can use I don't wanna go there to mean on the date with the girl. You know, it's like, so you log absolutely everything and it takes a team of people to do that, who are doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Day and night, it is actually running, it's a 24-7 operation.


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[Assistant] That I don't know when exactly. Sometime after you came in and got your check and that whole thing, like a while after that, you actually, I do remember you going, hey, I want to apologize to you. Oh! Yeah, you came up to me and you're like, I handled that time really well. Oh my god! It might have been like a year or two later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was like, it was quite a while later, I really want to apologize for how I did that. And I was like, oh, yeah, totally, it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, but we've done countless gigs together now. I mean, like so many gigs. It's always so fun. And yeah, you are a different.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you clearly can't give a shit about stand-up.


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[Assistant] I would hire you as a stand-up, I would never hire you as a loggerhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've had a lot of good times though. Yeah, no shit! This past tour was, man, you were on the, uhm, well, one of the first dates, cause I remember we, I remember we did Hampton Beach, uhm, which was at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I remember we did Hampton Beach in August of 21, which is the first month.


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[Assistant] That was the first month of the tour that might've been like the actual one of the first official first dates.


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[Assistant] I forget if I told, I think I told it here, I probably told it on Two Bears. The one part of it that I, like, instead of like, doing the whole story again, basically, an audience member pissed on another audience member.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's pretty, it's pretty wild, and uh,


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[Assistant] What I remember was that, uh, you know, I'm hearing the story from, and multiple people are telling it and they're like, this is what happened. And this, and then there's, there's staff of that. Then they're, they had gotten police involved because that's considered like an assault. Like it was a whole, it was a whole thing. And one of the guys who did security for the whole tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, named Marcus, uh, when, when we were getting the full story, he goes, Tom, I gotta tell you something, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what? He goes, I've been in the concert and security business for over 30 years. I've done it for Madonna, Michael Jackson. Like I've done it for, you know, like Lady Gaga, like, like just like the biggest and then he's like stadiums and he's like, I've seen shit on your tour. I've never seen in my life.


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[Assistant] Yeah. He's got the best Wu-Tang story. I can't tell it. I have to like, I have to get him to tell it. It is the fucking best Wu-Tang story.


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[Assistant] It's his story. His story is Trump's everything. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I loved about the story when you told me, is you're like, this hooker was like, I tossed you, I like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say that, like, she was in France, that to me, like, I don't know, my first thought is that this feels like a very high-end type, you know, hook, right? Like she's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm listening, I'm thinking about it. I hear the story now, obviously, and it comes, it's through a different lens. Back when you first told me it, I don't, like, I was almost unable to breathe because you were like, I just fucked a hooker, I didn't even know it was a hooker. That's why I still work for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the best. Oh yeaah. I've lived. You have definitely lived. That was, uhm, that was one of my all time favorite things. By the way, did you know, as a friend of mine, you, uhm, you know, you obviously were, uh, well aware of how devastating I was injured. Did you know that, uhm, two days from now, I will be playing basketball again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't you challenge somebody? Yes, yes, yes, yes. He put out a challenge video. Do you have that? Um, Abel? So he, um, he accepted the challenge. What I told him, cause he said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That if he played me basketball, he would destroy me. He's like, it'll be total destruction by me. And I was like, I didn't even think, I didn't look him up to say like, have you played college about anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you beat me one on one, I'll donate $50,000 to a charity of your choice. Yeah, I heard that. I've been watching. So then he put this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a Shawn Kemp jersey? Isn't that Kemp's number? I forget. Uhm, but yeaah. I, uh, right? Is that Kemp's number? Was Kemp 40 on the Sonics? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel about this? No, no. I'm, I'm really just, uh, leaving it to chance. I told, cause like my instinct is just to be like, uh, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my instinct, right away, I just reacted impulsively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, you're fucking dead. And then, uhm, and then, you know, this thing has, like, developed, you know? And then I realized the other day, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know, I'm speculating. So the fun thing is, it's really fun, uhm, to throw out a challenge and have no idea what you're getting into. Yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has become your life! And like the thing is that, like in that video, you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he sandbagging? Like, is he pretending that like, you know, you could go, cause that's a funny thing to do, be like, I don't even know how to dribble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, that would be extremely clever and very funny if he's like, I can't spin this and then we show up on the day of the game and he's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Like, and if he starts embarrassing me, I'll break one of his ribs. Good! I fucking will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, now I'm excited. I'm excited to know what the hell I signed up for, you know, because I really don't know. By the way, because, you know, we're here talking about all your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, not with him, that guy. By the way, how dark is his hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like that's a nice yard. He's smoking his stogie. He couldn't be happier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The right kind of people. This guy has the feel that he puts out stuff all the time. That's my guess, right? Does he put out shit all the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! Motivational stuff. What kind of motivation is it?


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[Assistant] Stupid broad keeps fucking yapping in your ear. I can see that. Oh, I can see him leading the fucking cause on that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is, yeaah. We try to find them. We try hard. And sometimes we find guys like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. By the way, when he said I have to learn how to suck cock and deep throat it, you did it pretty well if that was the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this guy has a different reputation with so many people. Yeaah, he's the boss.


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[Assistant] Probability that somebody just watched this right now and just went, oh my god. That's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than that, no notes. He just dropped 50. So, isn't that what he said? Like, I just down 50, yea. He dropped 50 pounds. I thought you said he was 50. I was like, god damn. He's just like, the weight is coming off, you know? Like, that's, I mean. Here, I'll tell you this. You look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do that, and also, you know, keep, uh, keep deep throat, and you seem to really have a knack for it.


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[Assistant] Somebody's just gonna be like, this is my guy.


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[Assistant] He is, he's not scared to put it out there. No, he's definitely not. And well, it all depends if the mistress is gonna let him find love, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never got, I don't know, this, this, I mean, I understand that this does something for somebody. Yes. I'm just like, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea of doing this would never do something for me, you know? It's hard enough to do it. Even like the, I'm saying like, forget the dick part, the dildo. I'm just saying that like, somebody, my mistress said to stand here and, and my bra and pants, I'm like, fuck man.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that one is just, I don't know. Man. Yeah, sure. Look at his question.


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[Assistant] I like tall women. I think they're actually super attractive. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's not that crazy. It used to be crazier. I think now it's like completely, I think the youth today is like, isn't that what you do when you meet a girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Heating asses. Yeah. It's pretty exciting.


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[Assistant] So the thing is, I wanna be clear that like, I did not eat everyone's ass that I went out with. That is insane. To me it was always a thing, well I did do it very young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I don't know why I did it, but I did it. And then, then it was something you only did to somebody that you were trying to express that you're so turned on by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but like, I could sleep with someone who I'd be like, I'm definitely not doing that. Right. You know what I mean? Not at the end of the day. And not even out of the shower, if I don't find them like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. That, you know what I mean? Yeah. That attract, like you have to be, I have to be really attracted to do that. That was, that was the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I'm not, I'm not just doing that to some fucking, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, waterboarding's pretty dope. I don't really have anywhere to go with that. I just think it's pretty dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I'm trying to think of anything else that's strange. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you're saying like weird videos you've watched. I've watched too many videos.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've worked, are you being serious? Tell me.


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[Assistant] I really feel like if a woman did that to me, I would be really excited. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, ah, Jesus. Uhm, alright, well look, I gotta, I gotta actually get home to pack for something. All good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's, uh, it's always good to see you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a full circle we've had from logging at rocket science. That was the name of the place. Uhm, to, uh, to touring multiple fucking crazy places together and now we're podcasting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Shut down comedy. Holy shit. Yeah. What a fucking. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright man, uhm, don't forget, check out, uh, the power of how-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nice, that's a nice take on things. Uh, good to see you man. Love you. Talk to you guys. See you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey! You just watched a full episode of your mom's house. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Rex! Uh, can we just talk about the meow meow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother had worked at a lingerie bar and grew up around topless new bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so with that happening, everything was different for me. And there's just beautiful women everywhere all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just was always around it and so visually it was very overstimulating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And soft and slow and steady. The big thing is, is about taking your time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And especially nowadays with the way everything is. And I have to be even softer than I was before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At any level that you choose to with the partner that you're with, but I have had a lot of partners that I chose not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take as we call it, the lingam, the wand of light, the penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first one, most importantly, beyond, in my opinion, is always the multiply orgasmic woman by him and his wife. You can always do great work with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a deeper one, it's a thick book, but it's a worthy read for both of you, and it's The Healing Doubt by Montauk Shia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now both of those are life changing in my opinion. Again, this is my opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is qigong for prostate health and sexual vigor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is for you, Tom. That is for you. That's for our boy Burt, who's got the heavy belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your, uh, YouTube, I was in tears laughing by the way. You guys are so perfect. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just so good to see a couple that's so delicious, inspirational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and the Kegel app will make all the difference and the truth is because men aren't doing their Kegels and women are. And that's a huge thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody needs to do their Kegels prostate health on both sides, mandatory, mandatory, mandatory. If you don't have your Dante on your center line and your, your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, work on your grip. And you're like, what? How does that happen to do? Your feet, your hands, your pelvic floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't shit in there. He does not shit in there anymore. No, not anymore. Oh god. And he did. And you should definitely close the door when you piss in there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have been going to bed later. I've noticed that you will


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's Tom? Daddy's still sleeping. It's noon. That's a little weird. You have been sleeping in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So rad. You know, for the longest time, first of all, I love this clip. I was like in the woods. I don't know if that's the best place to go for orgy, but when you think about it, maybe ideal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of calm everywhere, cause I've been inside of gay clubs, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad used to play blackjack on the toilet on a video game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh boy. You know, I knew a girl I worked with whose husband was online gambling, um, and he lost $50,000. And just as they were about to divorce, he won $50,000 and paid off his debts. And they were like, we're good now. And then he just went back to gambling in our lives again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about I start collecting your paychecks? Get the fuck out of here. You get like a stipend? A stipend. Is that what that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you become the black sheep in the family, which is cool. Can I just say though, the one thing that you've always been so gifted at amongst many things,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You capture the reality of life, and it's subtlety, and it's beauty, and then it's absolute shittiness, and then it's complicatedness, and there's nobody else that can do this the way you do. And I'm talking even back, like Tommy and I, I remember you had his DVD of your shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is this about you? Where did you get this ability to see truth? I mean, you real- is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Sorry, my favorite moment ever though, is when you're touring, cause Tom and I talk about this all the fucking time, when you get into the car and the guy's talking to you, and they mean well, and they're like, you gonna, you in Cleveland? You gonna look around? What are you gonna do? New York City, huh? That's a bit, and you're just like, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that face. What a great face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had to create the perfect woman, would it be Pamela Adlin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love her, and I love that you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your female characters are like, cool as shit, like I'd actually kick it with her. You know, most of the time you see a woman in a funny show and they're just like, like they're just, they're not people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. Yeah, that's like two generations of trauma. I mean, the Hungarian is just gone, right? They're traumatized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, so that's so smart. I was like, what am I doing? What am I doing? I'm mad people can't say or spell my last name stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] P. Letter P. Can't fuck that up. Can't bring me up incorrectly. You can spell it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm a hungo too. The last name is a Polak name, but my parents escaped from Hungary in 69. So, I don't know, I feel like that DNA is, uh, it's resilient and it's dark DNA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same with Eastern Blockers. I feel like you, it's like generation after generation of bullshit. That's right. What are you gonna do to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not only that, you have this brilliant bit, right? I, I hate the N word. The N word. Why? Because it makes me have to think it. Right? You say it. And this is so true. So it doesn't, it doesn't erase the word out of existence. If we come up with ways around words and pronouns and blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you've been through that you have like, I have to say the last sorry was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you just thought, you know what I mean? Like have you transcended giving a fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that is the truth, especially with becoming a mom, it's like this radical acceptance of what is versus what was. That's right. And it seems to me like that's the only, like your father was great at that, is accepting what is, just what's going on right now, not what the story is in your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's the worst. The guilt of the feeling and the shame that's built in. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, I'm meaning I want to have a question that I've been wanting to ask you for years. It's one of those. There's two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting on a cot cause I'm gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best joke ever. It is. Who, who is the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of dicks. Now not every male comic, by the way, and I judge male comic by his ability to talk about his own dick, Jack and his dick. I don't trust a male comic that doesn't talk about this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm trying to think what would scare me the most, like what's my unconscious fear for me? Well, vomiting. I don't like vomiting. I don't want stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like if I had to think about like, oh I don't want a dick in my butt. I think that putting stuff in my butt. Right. Is my, is what dick socks are for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's asked, I'm afraid of him putting like my hands in his beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's, he's, he's DTF. He's the guy that'll lick your asshole. Like he's, you're down for it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause I think when you stop being curious is when it's the death knell, right? Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I have a fear of bees too. As a little kid, I don't, I hate that. That sounds like my worst, like just, and then add me having to vomit or something, and then that would just be the worst day of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the vomiting might be my priority number, actually number one. Like that would be so hurt, like that would be all the focus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god! Dude, your childhood was traumatic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, my dad fucked a lot of chicks too. Like one time I asked him, it's a joke in my act, but how many women do you think you've been with? And he goes, nothing off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not only that dude, like he was, he was slanging dick in the eighties at like the height of AIDS. I'm like, how did you not get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to fuck it up for my dad. I would get the names of the girls mixed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing is that you think that the earnest plea would get some traction, but it doesn't. And why does it repel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also what always strikes me is the urgency of the message, because if you listen, like, I feel like he's in a restroom of a restaurant or a busy place, like, he, he has to- That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking hat. I know I like it because it doesn't quite have a shape. Like, choose a shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four strokes. Four. That's pretty amazing. That is amazing. Yeah. It is quite an endorsement for math too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm glad you do because you're, you're whiff testing and then it benefits me because I'm sure if it's really bad, then you're not going to bring those balls into my area and my face because I've never like whiffed them real bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is in honor of last week's episode. We really took a deep dive on the cool guys and it just had me remember how much I love them all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so bad. It looks horrible. Thank you. It's looking worse, worser and way worser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why worser? Does it hurt to put the cream on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Is it gonna blister and stuff? Yeah. Cool. That should look cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually like RPCs coming more than I do Leos coming.


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[Assistant] He makes a big production. Leo's production is shorter.


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[Assistant] If you sounded like that I'd run. Really? Every time we did it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, not my mom. No, that's my dad. My dad was the hypersexual, different women every other day in the house.


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[Assistant] Well, yeah, yeah, it's kinda neat, right? No one should hear that. No one should hear that. I've seen, I've heard, it's just too much information for a young girl to process.


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[Assistant] They've heard all that, yeaah. Did you not hear your parents do that? You never heard them fuck. Never.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've walked in on my dad banging girlfriends. Uh, one time there was like a storm. I was little, like seven years old and there was a storm and I was afraid of lightning and they were fucking, I walked in and I was like, oh no. And he's like, get out of here.


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[Assistant] That's healthy. Get the fuck outta here, I'm trying to cum! Like that kinda stuff.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm trying to think. I remember one time my dad had a girlfriend who lived with us and she had a little girl who lived with us who was like three years younger than me.


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[Assistant] And then my dad told me this for some god awful reason. I was young. I was like seven or eight. And then they were gonna meet.


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[Assistant] The girlfriend was going to meet the ex-husband at Chuck E. Cheese with her daughter. And I heard Chuck E. Cheese and I was like, well, can I go? Like, I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, they were fighting and it was ugly and I, yeaah. He was a scary guy and I remember him yelling at her in the parking lot, like as we were walking in the car and I was like, oh no, this guy's gonna stab us or whatever.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. She was cool. She lived with us for a while. Lived with you, huh? She lived with us, which was wild. Yeah. My dad didn't let many hoes live with us, but she was one of them. She was special. She was special one. Yeah. She was American too. So they don't, they didn't last long. The Americans. No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there was one, my favorite dad's girlfriend was an American lady who had really long hair and she was the Albertsons checkout lady. Oh. And yeah, and I really liked her. Did she live there? She lived with us for a while. How long is a while?


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[Assistant] I think like a year maybe. That's a good while. I know. She didn't last. She wanted to have children with him. Oh Jesus. No thanks. He was like, get the fuck out of here. No, no. I just want to get married. Like stupid bitch. You know what I mean? Like fucking dummy. I want you to get married. Idiot.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you what chicks love most about my lip shits? Yeah. My lipsticks. I don't know why every lipstick is not made this way. Yeah, I know. Watch, watch. Uh, magnetic.


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[Assistant] And it makes me crazy that all lipsticks don't do this because otherwise it opens in your purse and destroys your purse.


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[Assistant] You should get it for your lady for Christmas or Tronica.


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[Assistant] I think it's rude, um, and especially in nighttime when he's trying to sleep, when you're trying to sleep.


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[Assistant] Not cool. Uhm, you know what's such like a southern phenomenon on?


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[Assistant] Alright, I don't know what they're called, but you see them in Austin and downtown. There are these vehicles that are just like three-wheelers. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's like one wheel in front.


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[Assistant] They're like lowrider motorcycles. You guys know what I'm talking about? In downtown, like dudes cruising them and they play really loud. Slingshots! Yes!


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[Assistant] Yes. People love these things. The slingshot. I've only ever seen this in the South.


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[Assistant] On the west coast? I never saw this in Cali, dude.


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[Assistant] Well, it definitely meets a-hole requirements because everybody in one of these


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[Assistant] So do people ride these on like, Mopac? Do you ride these on the freeway?


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[Assistant] Bro, could you imagine being in a freeway accident in one of these?


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[Assistant] Bro, and especially here in Texas when everyone's got those F-150s. Look at that second one. They'll fucking kill you, aw man.


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[Assistant] Ah dude, your neck just snapped dude. Someone T-bones you in that thing? You're just dead.


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[Assistant] Right about now, seasonal excitement or dread is really starting to settle in, especially for small businesses. It's not too late to get your holiday mailing and shipping under control with Stamps.com. Sign up now and you'll be printing your own postage in minutes. For more than 20 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable.


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[Assistant] For over one million businesses, get access to the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business right from your computer. No lines, no traffic, no hassle.


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[Assistant] Even save money with major discounts on USPS and UPS shipping rates up to 86% off.


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[Assistant] And if you're running an online store, stamps.com works seamlessly with all the major shopping carts and marketplaces we've been using stamps.com for.


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[Assistant] Years. Why? It's simple. It works. And it's just better for your life.


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[Assistant] This holiday season, trade late nights for silent nights and get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and free digital scale.


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[Assistant] The holidays are just around the corner, looking for a great gift idea that your parents or in-laws will genuinely love.


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[Assistant] For a really special gift for the special people in your life, you've got to check out the Skylight Frame.


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[Assistant] Skylight Frame is a photo frame you can update instantly by email from anywhere.


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[Assistant] It sets up effortlessly in under 60 seconds. You just plug it in, use the touch screen to connect to your wireless network and enjoy. Sending photos to Skylight is effortless. Everyone in the family can use the app or just email them to the Skylight and they'll pop up in seconds. It's timeless black frame with a white matte


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[Assistant] Adds a beautiful touch to your home. 100% satisfaction guaranteed.


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[Assistant] If you don't love your skylight, they'll give you a full refund. We have one in our kitchen and the kids.


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[Assistant] Go nuts. They love seeing pictures of themselves and it's so easy even grandma can email photos directly to the frame.


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[Assistant] Now as a special offer, you can get $15 off your purchase of a Skylife Frame when you go to skylifeframe.com and enter code YMH. That's right!


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[Assistant] To get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame, just go to skylightframe.com.


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[Assistant] And enter code YMH, that's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E dot com, promo code YMH.


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[Assistant] You ever seen these motherfuckers rolling around here with like no doors on their jeeps and shit? You're like, what are you doing bro?


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[Assistant] Nah. See, that's what's great about Eni is his steadfastness to like whatever nonsense he believes in. He really sticks to it.


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[Assistant] Did you know that Ronald Reagan used to call Nancy Reagan mommy?


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[Assistant] Nooo, mother is even more maternal and deeply asexual. Mother is just, you guys are not fucking anymore. Oh, they don't fuck. Look how unhappy they both.


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[Assistant] This is right, woof. Ah shit, is that what we're gonna look like when we're old, Tom?


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[Assistant] Same shit, different toilet, man. There's very few exceptional people that rise to presidency when you think about it. I mean, how many exceptional people have led the country? Truly intellectually gifted.


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[Assistant] Pretty mediocre. I mean I can talk about the most beloved. Like Ronald Reagan was... He was pretty beloved. Pretty beloved. Not, but you know, nothing, it's never... Not everybody.


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[Assistant] And then a reality show star became our prez.


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[Assistant] We want like, I want a guy that's like on the spectrum, like really dialed in, workaholic, focused, just knows facts, likes to have facts and knowledge.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's perfect, Tom. We just figured all this stuff out. Mother. Mother. Father. Mother.


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[Assistant] That is devastating. Uuuh. Can't they, couldn't he have gotten them?


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[Assistant] Well you'd think that he, you know, they give you notice when your hurricanes are coming, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, like put that car somewhere where it's not going to drown.


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[Assistant] What's 50,000 to an N-word like me? Could you please remind me? Ball so hard? That's a cray.


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[Assistant] That feels like an unfair advantage already. So lucky, but wait, were Kennedy? No, they weren't Jews. They're okay. I don't know why I thought they were Jews for some reason.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was a great- I wish, I wish more politicians were crazier like that. Cause then you know who that dude is. Oh yeah, you know who this guy is a thousand times.


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[Assistant] Oh mother. They always do that too. It's like, they always go straight for the women and children, the mothers and the children. That'll get them.