[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put the eye, the anger in his eyes and he's squinting, I can't really see, but I'm gonna give him on a scale of one to ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a ten. Look how fucking cute this guy is. You don't like that beard? You don't like those eyes? Look at that body, the physique, the arms, the shoulders on this guy, his traps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that is not Tom. Rick and Tom are not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, plus if you don't eat the bun, that's really the secret to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Mmhm, sometimes they get bloody too, the warts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you ever see one of those craft, what are those called? Xacto knives? He does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And eh, does she have warts too like me? And does she scratch a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a pee hole, a baby, baby come out of hole, and then a poo hole. Wait, the pee comes out of where the baby comes out of? Nooo. Yeaah. Nooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you see that growl on the wolf, like when your dog does that domestically, that's a sign of major trouble. You better, you know what I'm saying? Like that is trouble. How would you, how did she know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who want aggressive animals always say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all it is. Same in the valley. You do everything, right? Yeah, yeah. Cigarettes, pot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, wait until he cashes those fat checks you're gonna give him from your theater tour and sucking all those dicks on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was the supervisor in charge of the homicide section with the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office in Tampa, Florida, which also works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not my poorest, I guess, but I, uh, yeah, I mean, that's what, I'm doing that right now. I've got the bachelor life. You know how people are, like, neurotically cleaning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm the opposite. If you saw my apartment right now, you'd be like, this is where coronavirus was created. You're totally like letting it go? Yeah, cause it's just like, who gives a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I'm growing my hair till this is all over too much. You're letting it grow? What? Beard too? No, not my beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't really want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather, let's reveal it at the end. Okay. It'll be like full Dr. Robotnik style. Will it be embarrassing? Yeah. Yeah. It'll be like a skullet. Are you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever's around, sometimes I forget that it's a day, I don't know what time it is, half the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it? That's it. I day drank a lot though. What did you, what did you drink? Uh, I made Cosmos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I didn't make them, someone else made them for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, exactly, yea, no, you were describing my existence pretty profoundly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I paid my rent and, uh, I'm not happy about it. I'll tell you that. I got a new little email that was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a reminder, rent's due on the first. Oh really? Uh huh. And I paid it, but I, uh, my roommate was gonna let me, cause like I just pay him, you know? And then he pays the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, you can just, uh, slide if you, if you need to, I gotcha. I was like, nah man, I'm not, I don't want that fucking weight on my shoulders. Right, right. You know what I'm saying? You're taking care of me. Now I have to like see him every day and like, be like, and then he has that on me? I don't want that. Is he still working?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he, what he does at all. At all? No, he does background acting. I don't know how that pays any bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it my whole, my whole existence of living with people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I-I don't have uhm, what is the word you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a problem with the loneliness, I have a problem with not being able to do what I want to do. Which is stand up. Which is stand up, yea, and watch sports. Also, that's been a big thing. But the stand up personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would be March Madness this weekend. Oh, March Madness. Final Four would be happening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] NHL playoffs, baseball spring training, just, uh, or opening day would have been this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, yeaah, they're not gonna all be there. It's gonna be like they're all in the fifth round and they're getting cell phone calls, you know? Like when they're around there. That could be fun though, you know, it's always fun to see the families that they have and how those people act. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I think coming here today was the first time I'm not masturbating. Have you set any records? I'm not, cause I'm not eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So masturbating is like, and I do, well I've liked it, it's been a challenge for myself. I like to go like, can I do like eight today? Are you serious? I haven't gotten that high, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what is, what have you gotten up to? We're new in the quarantine. What have you gotten up to? I think I've done like in a day? Recently, I'm talking about in this quarantine. What, what do you, okay, so like, what do you consider


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a session. Do you consider the whole day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just kept going, dude. I don't know what it is. I was gonna ask Dr. Drew, can you get harder after you come somehow? This is, I think this is all related to your anxiety of the situation, right? It's a hundred percent. I'm losing my fucking mind. Really? I mean, I'm, yea, I'm not trying to complain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why I was wondering, like, I said to myself, could I just like, I wanna know how many I could just do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really just, I am going crazy, but yea, and I'm also like, let's say fishing with a wide net in the nude department.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't call it strong necessarily, I would call it abound. It is, uh, it is a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to say that it's crazy, but there are some that I would be like, I'm gonna let that one go by, or whatever. Now I'm like, fucking, I don't even give a fuck what's on the other side of that thing, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you are in a sext, when you are in a sext exchange, depending on the level of, uh, compliance that the other party has, it elevates to the point where you do need to send a dick pic eventually. They, they say, hey, once they, yeah, because they've been giving so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the ones that you could possibly imagine. Really? So some of them are more- Some could be coy, some could be just be like, let's see that dick. You know what I'm saying? Like it goes- it runs the gamut. It's all across the board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First you send your tits, then you send, you know, your box, and then you send, you know what I mean? Like it just, the, the, the ante keeps upping as you go, and, you know, sometimes it hits a certain ceiling because, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some headshots that I've made over time, that I go to, because you can't just roll your dick out of bed and be like, here it is, you know what I mean? At least I can't. I don't think, I want it to look good, I want it to be presentable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a photogenic dick, so it bodes well in my favor, but you can't put it in the improper setting. It needs a nice, I mean, I've been very lucky to go on the road with your husband and he's put us in some very nice hotels. That is prime dick pic time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then the background is the room. I mean, it's like, whoa, look where that tick is. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time in a bathroom, I took my dick out and I did a up shot so my face was in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that one, I sent to like, a few people. Uh, that one was my go-to for a second. A few years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's like, it's a pretty good one, but uh, yeah, and most of them are above the dick, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one was like, it was kind of like a candid. I tried to make it look like a candid, you know, like a real quick like, that's the only one I've ever had. Yeah, were you looking into the camera or no? Yeah, you kind of like looked down at it, you know what's up? It's not, I'm not saying my tactics are the best, by the way, so don't judge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could throw my stock under the bus, you know what I'm saying? But I have had some good reviews of my dick in person, so I'm not worried about sharing this. False advertising. Uh, yeaah, it's, it is nice, like, you were mentioning the hand position.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, exactly, but you kinda can cheat it a little bit. I wish I was out there to show you with something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, say this is my dick, like the people at home are gonna be able to see perfectly. You want to grab it at the base with your index and middle finger at the base. So that the other fingers are like on your pubis. Because then it looks like you've got your whole hand on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? You're giving the illusion that you're cranking it and then you got the rest of that real estate there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or like, if your thumb, like just make sure you're not like, you don't wanna, what I'm saying is you don't wanna have the whole hand in there, and then you got nothing coming out, cause then they go, well look at his hand, I know where, they can scale it a little too good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? And I'm lucky I have small hands and my dick looks big in them. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there was a way I could photoshop a bunch of hands onto my dick to make it look like scale, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another thing because, you know, you can't, it's okay, I'll let it go. You can't just take your dick out and take a picture of it sometimes, you know. Sometimes you're on the bus, sometimes you're walking down the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well sometimes they want to see the different stages of your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, let's see it get hard, or whatever, like that kind of thing. Or like, they want to see the final- Let's see it get hard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you gotta do one of those, like, live photos or whatever, like one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zero percent, but I think that's, now everyone just wants to see each other naked and that's fine. Like, I don't know, you were talking about, do I take a fresh one every time? I didn't really, now iPhone tries to fuck your shit up because it tells you where and when you took a picture and when you send it to somebody it's like, this was taken on this day, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, the information of the file. So, little trick of the trade folks, if you want to pretend it's new, just screenshot that dick pic on your phone, and the date chain refreshes it. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, some of them want to see you grow, some of them want to see it all the way, some of them want, some of them say they're like, show me what it's like when it's not hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't ever fuck with- I, you know, I lie with that one, obviously. I cheat that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally everyone sends nudes, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if they don't, I, I don't, I, I almost kinda find it. I'm like, they're like, I'm not sending you a nude. And I, then I'm like, oh, you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, it's not like one of those enticement things where they could be like, I'm not going to send you one and then it makes me want to chase them harder. I don't, I don't get down with that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we maybe even met. Whaaat? In person. I mean there's tons of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why, it's artistic. I think it's so fu-fucking artistic and hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your image of lesbian porn is like from, uh, the 90s. I mean like you're thinking it's like, I don't know, it's changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not that I don't like it, it just doesn't do anything for me. It is fun. And you can't come. It's fun once in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's all fingers and tongues and shit. So he hasn't feel pressured to... Right. It's my favorite things to do in sex too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For all your beautiful women. You feel me? Just let me eat you. One turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what? No. I can show you what time it is. Sure enough, I tell you, they got a man up above. I can cook for you, clean up your house. You heard me? Listen, when you come home, baby, you just got to jump in the tub with all them buffers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When wolves greet, they will want a lick inside your mouth. This is perfectly normal for them and this is what they do to one another on a daily basis. If you can tolerate it, you should allow this as they will trust you more and can learn everything about you as a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his snarls and piercing stares at Marit to let him know deep that he wasn't happy that she was commanding my attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] onto you. The altercations only lasted a little while and it soon all died down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were lower ranking walls and it was important to make sure I greeted the walls in order of ranking and make sure to ignore the lower walls when the leaders approached, which is a little sad, but safer for them as it means they will be told of far less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that gun out. Third of all. Make sure you get your fucking titty pierced. Third.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What up, cunts? Here's my tip to being fucking awesome on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Saatva, my favorite online mattress company. Go to Saatva.com slash YMH to get a hundred dollars off an order above $500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, and that's what all the wisest people do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're 100%, cause I'm wired for approval seeking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the other night I was being wife, quarantine wife of the century.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because we can't have, we can't go get massages, I gave you a massage. It was amazing. During 90 Day Fiancé, Before the 90 Days, our favorite new program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So I thought it was a really funny, creative, good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also thought it was interesting that as your wife was giving you wonderful pleasurable moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That your mind went to how to make your mother upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A TikTok of a dog being lifted by balloons. And I thought, oh that, I've always had this fan to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A video of a lady on a beach that her vagina was exposed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a goat, it flashes to a goat, going waaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of want to get 10 milligram Tom's mind on it tonight. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he looks like he, he took a marker and markered in that beer. Like that crazy guy that used to live in the rampart. Remember the guy that used to take the magic marker? Paint your beard on. Yeah. He went to nice and easy. He went the right way and got his nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of a relatable person when he says things like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not my soul. I am not interested in country music at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the rage. He's, that's the rage, that's the Garth rage that we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glad your tongue didn't get stuck in your teeth and made you forget what you were saying. Let's celebrate with soccer suit play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of celebrities have been losing their mind on the grom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he definitely has Matthew McConaughey vibes where they really believe their own nonsense. You know, like Matthew McConaughey will do a commercial for a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he doesn't even mention a car driving once. Remember that commercial we saw where he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stunning, and he was a handsome guy before this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is, and I'll tell you why though, he and his wife have four children under the age of six. She's pregnant with a fifth, and they claim not to have a nanny. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom and I have been working with our two kids for the last, oh, two weeks, and it is crazy making. So no wonder he has worn down. But don't you love that celebrities feel the need to reiterate what everybody already knows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, you think Matthew McConaughey has any more insight than Sanjay Gupta does at this point? Like, where are you fucking- Probably not. It's so gross. He's like, yes. You just gotta stay strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does look a little different, a little confused


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, again, like if you're going to broadcast a thought, at least uplift. Try to add to the discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love? When, uh, he gets all fired up about Trump, he's like, Easter's cancelled, you fat fuck! Easter's cancelled! He's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're my light, my love, my passion, my joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even know you could cup male tits for six hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's for Drew. How, what do you think happened to him as a child that this has happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how he started. And then he's got a bra tattoo and then stars on his nip nips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, cause this is somebody's brother, son, uncle, hopefully not dad. But could you imagine? Like, oh, there's mister...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, and to put it on the internet, I just, this is so great, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well one's gonna sexually assault you, and one is just gonna murder you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the problem with Gareth is that because of his celebrity status, he'll never be brought to justice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I choose this creeper. Well you'll never get, you'll never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Well because G will never suffer the law. Like he'll- Oh my god, this guy is like, amusing. I would laugh at this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garth is scarier to me, because he's a true psychopath. Garth, you can tell, is really mimicking what it is to be a person. Like, he just keeps... He does! He doesn't really, he doesn't really feel those things. There's no way. You gotta take an arrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, he's, he's craftier than that. He works out a quid pro quo. He's like, he goes, so you don't like my beard, huh? You can tell the producer's kind of set this... Well she was saying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I was like, pfft, okay. I mean, I never heard a man get that fired up over women that don't shave past the knee. I'm like, alright. I mean, I'm not sweating it cause I have blonde hair, so you really wouldn't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were, you were fired up. You don't remember? Really? You were fired up. You were like, I don't fucking, ugh, it's gross. I was like, okay. You're like, you're so lazy. Just shave the whole leg. What's the problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're very, you're being very gender normative, uh, here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is a very controversial issue in our time, cause you know, you could be saying that you're imposing whatever gender thing. But look, if it doesn't make your dick hard, it doesn't make your dick hard. And that's just your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't either, so I shave mine and I shave my body nice, so that you don't leave me with the children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, dark hair? Yeah. It was. And you didn't, did you say anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And especially because now I have a whole new respect for these women who are using these donkey American men to come over to this country. I mean, poor Rosemary. She's 23 maybe. She has a 5 year old son. She lives in the back of like some rinky dinky postcard shop or something with her sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so sad. And if I were her, I would be on those sites, roping in every dope dope American man, and I would be riding their dicks to come to America. You better believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great personality, he's a great father, he's a loving human being.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I mean, is he ideal in the looks department? No. But, you know he's gonna be loyal? Cause he's not like some Casanova and he's sweet and treats her well. I would 100% pick Big Ed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, yea, he might need to take Viagra or something, fine, so once a week or something, you bust not. It's su- and Ed's not the kind of guy who's gonna demand it. He's not gonna- he might be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we make love tonight? And she's like, I don't feel like it, whatever, and then he'll move on. Can we just snuggle instead? Oh, stop it. I was doing, I do her accent perfect, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, the fact that she speaks any English is amazing because I don't speak a word of Tagalog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh. I would be sucking every American dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just put my gaping butthole and spread my cheeks and be like, you wanna pound this? Pound this to America, bitch. Get me outta these horrible countries, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is. But at least she's open, and I do give credit to my tribe for being open. Like, we don't really bullshit you. We're like, yes, they want to go to America, you're going to do this or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I also like that now, Soja Boy is flat out, disrespected baby love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, he flat out disses Baby Love in all of his interviews though. He's like, I want to come to America and be a big rapper and she's basically 70% okay and like trashes her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, that's, if we could laser off your beard, you know, get you hairless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, let me think this through. Let's go through this from the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful eyes, you just shaved that moustache. There you go. You shaved the moustache, the beard, whatever. Easy transition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could pass, and he could pass as like a tall model. Yeah, Chris could pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, we'd have to do a wig, we'd have to get rid of the fa- I've never seen his full face though, cause he's always had-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we could do it, and his build is okay, he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's better. Your frame is the worst. So you and Nadav, I'd say have the hardest builds to pass as a female.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Negative, I don't like watching that kind of stuff or really hearing about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal, ask somebody who really likes Target fashion, I love Marona, I'll buy the fuck out of some Target shit. That's like a step beneath. That's like, does Walmart have fashion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's where he is. Well, okay, it's, it's like your target fashions, except it's, um, leopard print, right, or whatever animal print, and then blue cobra that bleeds into the leopard. It's crazy. I have the list of retail stores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the irony is, is that gay dudes design, like Michael Kors, Gucci, all that, that's all gay dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really do question the logic of buying an island property. Like A, it's extremely difficult to build on an island. You have to put all the infrastructure, all the plumbing, and get the material. It's really quite a pain in the ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be nice if this man was as simple, you know? This poor woman, but look how happy she is about our money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And I have to say, in terms of like third world exchanges, not a bad exchange. I go to the guy's house, I take a dump in his mouth. That's the best. Easy street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why he made his fortune, I didn't even put that together. It is for fat chicks to look skinnier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hair feathering technique is very unique as well. I've never seen anybody, it's a feather mullet, which is really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds like he emulated Hef. He tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that kind of the porno theory though? Like you kind of have to, it takes more and more. Like Tommy Lee, remember when he was here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But would you suck a dick today to cure the world of this pandemic? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all need a break now and then, but why not keep your brain active while you relax? That's why I love Best Fiends. I play Best Fiends on my phone. I play it when I'm watching the kids when I don't have to like fully fully pay attention to them if you know what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I love it because each puzzle gets more and more challenging. Every level you go up. I love the characters. They're adorable. I like the sounds. And what I like is that it's just the right amount of challenge. It's not too crazy. And, uh, yeaah. I'm a fan. I'm hooked. I highly advise you check it out. Best fiends!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It treats the game like a service for their players, uh, meaning they update the game monthly with new levels and events so it never gets old. And it doesn't require the internet to play so you can play while you're offline and it doesn't take up data.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best Fiends has thousands of levels already with new levels, events, and characters added every month. It's hours of fun right at your fingertips and you can even play offline. With over 100 million downloads and tons of 5 star reviews, Best Fiends is a must play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But only you and your diseased mind could think of somebody breaking Josh's jaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying you're the only person sick enough to think of violently harming our friends so that he could suck all those dicks to save the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you think the statue of the monument will have his jaw broken? And it's like the jaw, the jaw that saved the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or will they, will they give him the monument intact? You know, like what's the choice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he did that and that takes a lot of courage. And also, I think his message primarily was that the media is responsible for creating panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No they didn't. And it actually goes the opposite way. This is the one time that it went that way. But the point being, I think Dr. Drew is an excellent human being, he's a solid citizen, he's a good man, and he owns up to his mistakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's because you had been through two or three crappy ones that you're like, there's nothing I can do, fuck it, you just have to let it ride. And also though, I mean, nobody would know that watching you because you've got so many years of experience that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, even on your worst day, you're still batting whatever, whatever sports analogy, I don't know. You're still batting a 10 or whatever the fuck. Yeah, you're still making a goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people can't tell. Because Tom's done special sick. Which one did you shoot sick? This one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wish, here's what I'm trying to do, maybe this is what I admire about both of you, is your ability to not give a fuck if people like you or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I respond, the other day I posted something about a TikTok, which we'll get into, cause I know you're an enthusiast as I am, and it was like a goth girl thing, and someone DM'd me on Instagram, no one gives a shit about your goth girl stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you guys, well let me run a scenario by you, and I would love to have a, who the fuck are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, I've been thinking about this for months. I was doing this club a few months back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that there's this door guy, the bouncer, the room bouncer. He's an older gentleman, he's been working at the club for many many many years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've, I've known him over the years, acquaintances, we're not bros, we don't drink together, whatever, he's an employee, I'm kind to everybody. So by the second night of shows, I'm standing in the showroom, I'm watching the feature act, I'm getting ready to go up, and he does this thing where he comes up next to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what should I have done? Cause I'm trying to think of a great comeback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's uh, Russell West- Russell West- Russell Westbrook. Yea, sorry, Russell Westbrook. Russell Westbrook. That's what I do all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well who would be a prettier trans woman, you or Tom? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's soft and pretty and it's got nice soft curls in it. Chris has got really nice hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a bad dude. Wasn't he selling the colloidal silver that, that fights, uhm, COVID-19? He was selling a remedy for the coronavirus. Uhm, it's just colloidal silver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's insidious to the wives that support these douchebags. Remember Tammy Faye?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I hope he can cure it. I mean, that'd be cool if it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got corona themed and non-corona because this pandemic has inspired many different genres of the topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just think it's interesting that sh- I like when people acknowledge what other people are writing in the comments, the negative attribute. Like, why would you acknowledge the negative attribute that other- That's true. Just cause y'all are sayin' I have big gums, like don't, just ignore it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can have you, hello, fantastic, you are great, pedophile creep, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just thought that it was an interesting choice for a singles ad. Like I had my nails done, and I'm trans, and I'm looking for someone. Like it was a strange train of thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They look kind of faded to be like a fresh marker. Well, I think they're tats because that's how tattoos look after they've been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's really alarming too is that we've had people that are into putt play, which is where they put on like a putt mask and they put a tail up their ass, whatever. It's done in closed quarters. It's done between four walls. This is out in the streets of like Oxford. This is in a square.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I just liked her intensity. At style hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this was posted when we were told to quarantine. This was like, so this is spring break, like a week ago or whatever, in Fart Louder Deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plural? Pestulence? I think it's still s- Chris, you're smart. Oh no. The plural of pestulence- no, not- no, yeah. Other Chris. Booth Chris. Uh, plural? Pestulence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's afraid to smile too big because they'll pop right out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you wouldn't do this to your lady, old friend, lady interests? Little tongue wag and singing a dirty song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is for a male audience. I'm, I just feel like gay guys like to do the humble brag about working out. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to find it. You know what I really fucking hate on social media? What? Is when people celebrate non-holidays, where they're like, Happy International Women's Day. Oh, right, yea. Happy National Cupcakes Day. It's not a thing, right. It's not a- stop trying to make it a fucking thing. It doesn't exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You miss 100% of the dicks you don't try to stuff in your hole. That's Blue Man, that's your next project, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's almost like breathing in and breathing out, isn't it? You don't have to work to listen to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't even have to be listening to hear it. I think it's the voice of the common man's soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's almost like breathing in and breathing out, isn't it? You don't have to work to listen to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a guy, so I'm the last guy that's gonna say size matters. But it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the only way that arrow is going to go far at all is it's got to address resistance. Right? So for every dreamer out there, when you hear no, it cannot be done. Just let it keep coming. Because once they let go of that arrow, all those no's are what's going to fuel you to turn those dreams into reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, deviance. It is Pig Norman Summerton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine a pig with tits. Well, it's time to take them off and have a shower because pigs start to stink up the high heavens. So let's get these tit cups off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' pig, eh? That's me, pig Norman Summerton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate, this just may be the mugshot of the day, perhaps even the year. Check this guy out. Ohio police are looking for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right after the first one hour special, which was yeaah, 2007. So 2007 started going on tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea that it could get like this. Like my only goal was I just want to quit my job. I just want to sleep in in the morning and stay out late at night and get drunk for free. That was it. That was the goal. So hey, let that be a lesson. Set your bar really low in life. You'll be so much happier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can be a dick too. I can be a dick too, but you gotta really push me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, hey bro, let's do a thing. And I'm like, can we, you know, can I finish chewing this before, you know, a photo is different. Can I take a pic? Oh, sure. Give me a second. Okay, I'm done. Stand up and, or I'll even pull out my chair next to me and let somebody sit with me to take a picture. But the video thing is so just, that's, that's why I hate Snapchat. That's why I never got on Snapchat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it turned into this little gang thing in the front row. And security didn't want nothing to do with them. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. And why? Just cause the dude, you know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. I'm a sweetheart. I'm a nice person, but man, certain things, like I said, it's just like, what are some of your intrusive thoughts? Yeah. Kicking someone in the face. Yeah. Being on stage, I'm like, wow, you are right at that perfect level where my Nikes can meet your face. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was just a general meeting. It was just a general meeting. We just wanted to get to know you. We heard you're doing things and, uh, you know, one of our interns saw your special and they said we should bring you in. What? You haven't even watched it? No, of course not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. Do you get high? What's that? Do you get high? I used to, uhm, a long time ago, but it's just, it's too much work now, and then I don't like having a dry throat, and, you know, I'd rather just take a nap. I'm just thinking about how many grilled cheese


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I bring it. I bring it. Uh, but you know what, those totals, they have, uh, different sized ones, cause I have two, I have a smaller one, and then I have one that's like, yeah, your whole ass fits on it. You know, it's got the built-in heater and then there's, I don't know at what age I got to the point where I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have two toilets on my bus and one of them actually flushes. So we're talking to the company right now to see about getting a total put in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, the totals are badass. Did you see my dance video? That was one of the most insane things I'd ever seen. It just, it was so cool. And I, I was watching with my manager and I go, he spent some money. He goes, guaranteed he spent some money. I go, look at that. That was so awesome. And then at the end you're shanking freaking Burt. Do you think I went too far with stabbing him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys got your moments? Yeah, definitely. Like I got homies that, you know, I'll talk a little smack. I was like, yeah, that's why you're, you're, you're this or that's why your, your nose is stupid or something. Like straight up stabbing. That was, that was, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that one part where he was shooting the gun but he was holding it over his head like wow. I got the unicorn freaking angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to talk shit, I'd tour out there, they might find me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to do a lot of, uh, USO shows. I did an Air Force Reserve one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they, they don't want you to talk about what? They don't want you to post anything. Oh, right, right, right. Especially when it's like a tour tour. Like we did a whole thing on C17. And so we go place and we have our phones and they're like, you can take pictures. There's zero posting. And I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny, I was in Qatar and I played both sides of the fence. What? That was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of all places. Like, I found out, trip out on this one right here, uhm, my TV show Mr. Iglesias, uh, number one market is India.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah. I mean, I've toured India too. Oh, you've already played India. Yeaah, but I had no idea that the show was so successful in India. Yeaah. That's so interesting. And then, uh, let's see, the top markets are India, South Africa, Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Germany. You know, like, how is it possible that someone could be so big somewhere else? And it's just, it's just one of those things where, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's where it is. Michael McIntyre, I think is another one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was saying things. Like when they come over here, it's like a couple of blokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a comic, as a young comic, you're pre-programmed by the, by the industry. Everybody says, oh, you gotta do stand-ups so you can get the sitcoms so you can get the movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to do stand up to do stand up and I'm, and it's crazy to say this considering that I have a show, but I'm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really does, like, ehm, I can do without being an actor. But it, uh, by having this show, it elevates your status and it allows you to be seen by more people and to grow your fan base. So it's like, okay, it's part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, there was no goal of like, oh, let me have my own show. That wasn't the goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, to do the show, you gotta take time off the road, and by taking time off the road, I'm not doing the same numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, there was no way of dreaming that it could be like this. I just wanted to quit my day job, sleep in, stay out late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have that goal of having an HBO special. Yes. 20 some odd years ago that was the goal. You want to get an HBO special. And now it's like everybody's like okay Netflix special and then that's who knows for how much longer. Right. Until these other streaming services come out and maybe who's going to be the next big one. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the perk? Those phones, you could talk on them for a week. Oh really? I mean, the batteries were so insane. Nickel metal, hydride battery, and well, you didn't have all the data and stuff on it, it was just for a phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but it was just like this big old brick phone and it's way too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an iPhone guy. I'm so loyal, my phone's still a 6. I don't wanna give up the whole. My phone still has a headphone jack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I worked for LA Cellular, I had unlimited cell phone service. So I could be on the phone. My roommate also worked for the company and we would have a contest to see


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I had to learn to start saying no, just because I found myself in situations where I'm like, you know what, this, oh, this is not good. That's a challenge for you, right? Or it was? It is. And then, you know, cause if I do give in, I'm still like, then I have to make sure that I'm not being an ass where I am, showing that I'm frustrated or I'm not happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeah, saying no is hard. Saying no is really hard. Oh, come on, man. You know, and then they start throwing all the things that could happen and I'm like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I had, okay, I want to share this story and I've never, I've never put this story out there, uh, but it's, it's for me, it's probably one of the most like, I had a, uh, a gentleman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's going through some stuff medically and he just needed to get out and get away. And I made him feel better and feel good. And I'm like, well, I'm glad you came out to the show. Glad you had some good laughs and I hope everything turns out okay. Thank you so much. And he leaves. Next night. I have another show there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shows up again and he's like, listen, so this is what's going on. I'm going to be having triple or quadruple bypass surgery next week. I just don't know what's going to happen. And I just, I just needed to get my mind cleared up and listen, if I pull through, can I make you dinner? Like, what are you supposed to say to that? Like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, dude. You sure? Sure. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few weeks later, I'm over at the comedy magic club. Doing the meet and greet outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's walking up the sidewalk, with bandages on his chest, with the oxygen machine thing, dragging it with him, and he's barely breathing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he starts, you know, I start doing the round, you know, all the rounds at the club, the Breas, the Ontarians, the Irvines, and they're all within easy driving and every one of those clubs he's showing up at still with a wound that's not healed, still with an oxygen tank. And I'm just like, Hey man, can you get better?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just started showing up at random places on the road. So now it's no longer just local. Now I'm in Santa Barbara. He's showing up in Santa Barbara. I'm in San Diego. He's showing up in San Diego.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know, for being all hurt, you travel well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wind up doing the whole thing where it's like, now you're back in town again. You know what I mean? You've done the whole circuit and you're all the way back. You've gone, done the circle. Now you're back at that same club again. And he shows up. And when I saw him, I said, Hey, listen, before you say a word, how about you come back here tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take you to go eat across the street. You like barbecue? Well go ahead, go have some barbecue. And so, of course,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he volunteers this? Well, he doesn't real- I don't think he realized he's like, uh, you know what, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, we have the dinner and I go, listen, I'm glad you pulled through, you had your surgery, man, way to go, you start taking better care of yourself, you know, you're, you're older, uhm. How old are we, the person we talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, at least, at least no less than 65.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we wind up outside, we took some pictures and I go and I give him a big hug and I says, hey, so I'm glad we finally got to make this happen. So, you know, again, I'm happy for you. And as I'm walking away, he grabs my shoulder and he goes, so listen, let me know when you're ready for me to cook that dinner for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, the, the guy finds out, you know, uh, I have, we all have comedy buddies and stuff like that, and sometimes we crash their shows, and, uh, some of my openers, you know, they start, I start promoting their shows on social media. Who's your homeboy with the... Alfred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it became, uh, you know, if he's out doing a show and I'm not doing nothing, I'm gonna go crash his gig. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ian one night, he was at the Comedy Magic and he goes, Hey, you want to come by? I'm like, yeah, yeah, sure, man. I'd love to come by. And I, and I put a thing online. Hey, check out my friend, Ian Bagg. He's gonna perform at the Comedy Magic Club and, uh, the manager of the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's hysterical. And he opens for you? Uh, I've taken him on the road with me before. Yes. But he's, he's not an opener by any means. No, fuck no. You know, he was just a headliner that decided to freakin' just go on the road with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you done? No, we're on hiatus this week, uh, we have, uh, we're halfway through, so we got six in, we need six more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I stay in my lane. I'm not a script writer. If anything, day of the show, I'll improvise if I think that I can take it a certain direction, especially once we have the scene in the can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once the scene is done and they're like, okay, this is an alt or this is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For coverage, then I'll play. Then I'm like, alright, what's so free for all that now? And so I'll change up the jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Thursdays are my days. During the week, that's the work. But when there's a live audience there, then I can challenge the writing and be like, you know, okay, this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've tried that during the week and the writers will not laugh at anything but what they write. They're conditioned and I'll try to throw something in there and they're just like, oh really? Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone told me that on stage I shimmy, that I give off a certain vibe when I'm on stage that attracts a certain element and I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, you have a shimmy. A shimmy? I don't know what a shimmy is, but yea, I guess I shake it when I walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, uhm, this tour, we just took a meeting, we took a meeting when we were in Vegas and we met with a security company only because it's been getting, it's started to get crazy where we'll go places and I have people from every angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't a comedy club. No? No, I was doing bars in Montebello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had no idea, I'm up there just being silly and, uh, I didn't know what real danger was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then they were pissed off that the Lakers weren't there. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My manager goes, yeah, clearly you did not want to move on to theaters. Yeaah. I go, man, once you get on the streak and it's like, I wanted to do something that hadn't changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is one of the greatest rooms. It is the best. And it's the oldest room too. Yeaah. And the fact that the floors wood, ceiling, I mean it's just acoustically it always just, you feel so good in there. And the crowd is right on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how did the whole thing with Joe Coy get in that mix where he's like, he's taking shots at you, taking shots at Bert and you guys are taking shots at him and it's just like this whole thing with the bus, the bus, the bus, the plane, the plane, the plane, the bus, the plane, the bus, the venue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm having fun watching, but I've never, I've never had that connection with, with friends in the business. Cause it's always been that whole thing of like one person's trying to get ahead. One person's trying to hold the other one back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always want to wrap the bus the first time you have a bus. Just to say, I got a bus and my face is on the side of a bus and you think it's the greatest idea ever until you realize that people know where you're at 24 7 and they knock on the door 24 7 and they wait for that bus door to open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, was it all pimped out inside from the way J- because I can't imagine that J-Lo had just a stock bus. Like there hadn't been like bigger mirrors, bigger lights, bigger just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times we left the pole there just because we needed to walk around the bus and we didn't want to fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was more so just convenient to have something that we could grab onto. Like, I went back to my old school days of catching the bus when I was 15 years old to go to a mall and the bus was full and you had to hold on. Dude, that's amazing. Well shit, he's so old, he needs it too. But yea, it would slide out and then lock into the floor. And it had uh, it had lights and glitter in it. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but the bus was so awesome and it was, uh, it was, it was cut in a certain way where it just, it was very conducive for me. Uh, the front had a slide out, the back didn't, but it was very roomy. And it had a full size bathroom with a shower and giant closet. I mean, it was, it was really, really nice. I still have that bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like at night time, oh man, everybody's so happy. Well, remember there was that one comic, uh, he wasn't killing people, but he was raping P.I.S.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was stupid and talked about it on stage about, you know, how he, I think that's how he got caught and it was a cop and the crowd. Really? They put it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still? Yeah. Cool. Well, he put it up really high to where it's like, yeah, I ain't gonna try to get on a table and then piss off Mike Lacey and. Damn. No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. You guys are good because I've looked this guy up before and I've found nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, he would, uh, he would rape them and then ask them to pray after. Which I think was like, woah, that's freaking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'd be crazy to have that Netflix documentary, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Cause he's lined up for six months. Six months. That, that's impressive for being locked up. Yea it is man. Like you've lined up six months of uh, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you on TikTok? Are you on TikTok? I am on TikTok. You are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the, uh, one in the corner where I'm wearing, up on top where they're wearing the wig. There. Uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we finish in uh, beginning of February and then I go on tour. We got a, just a whole, we're going anywhere, everywhere. So all over, all over Europe and then uh, end of the year I got Australia. Uhm, I'm gonna be doing my next special in Australia. You are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was thinking about doing a smaller city, but at the same time it's kinda like, uh, if I'm gonna do a show out there, I want it to be as big as the shows that would be out here, so it's probably gonna be Sydney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna come out like in summertime of the next year. They never give you, Netflix is so vague, they're like, well, we feel like it might come out at a certain time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might not. Like it took him forever to green light season 2. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] South Africa. South Africa sounds like this. No, that's like this. South Africa. What do you say? You're black? You're black? You're black? Wait, your brother is black? Yea, but he sounds Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Lots of tourists around. It's great, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first show, the mic just kept cutting out. I mean, it's never happened to me before that and since. Was it a wireless? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I think it, I saw a special, I don't remember who it was, but they had a wire with their microphone, and I was like, that looks bad. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've seen yours and you use a wire, so fuck it. I just, ah yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, yeaah, no, it was just, uh, and it cut out, and I, and I was like, it's not cutting out, right? I was like, that's just my ears, you know? And then, it ha- it did it a few times, and once on a punchline, which is worse, and I only have like three of those. So, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, so then, at the end, it was like, I guess it was cutting out, and I feel a weirdness, like nothing's really changing, but you know, you feel the energy, and I look behind me, and the fucking guy, like the stagehand or whatever, is out there, with another microphone, in the middle of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and man it was just... But it went well for you though, right? No, so, so what happened was, I was like, look,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you learn this, and you guys know this, but like, as long as it seems like you're not going through anything fucked up, you can edit it, the audience is gonna sound fine, the audience was pretty good, it was okay, you know, it wasn't a bad audience, and so I was like, you just have to suck it up and not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you need pieces in the second one. But then the second one I did and I got it and it was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So I was like, so I was like, well, I need to do the second one. And bro, I went in, I don't think I've ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the second one, I got it, and I was like not happy. I was also going through a weird time in my life, like I was going through a breakup and shit like that, and it was just, everything was bothering me. So it was just like, the whole feeling of the sh- of the production was just like, nah, it didn't feel good. And then I got the cut,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the first show looked better because I was worried about the mic, so I was going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so the special is good, I think, I think Mind on Fire was my best material up until that point, so I was, I was happy with it, but it was not like, sometimes all the stars align, that was not, that was not what that was, you know. And so that, I think because that happened,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Awful audience. We shot it at like 6pm, it was like fucking bright as shit. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was one of those things, it was like, alright, just pretend like they're not here, do it in your fucking living room, and I felt like I performed well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, 100% taping and this is that for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want that. I don't know. I wanna make money, but I don't want those people as fans even. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I was like, oh maybe I, maybe I seem more that I don't give a fuck than I do. And then I was like, I thought about it ever since she asked me, and I was like, I think I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like some guy the other day said, uh, somebody tweeted something like, I need to laugh, so I'm gonna watch everything that Chris D'Elia has ever done. And then somebody replied to him and said, but I thought you said you wanted to laugh. And I wrote, bro, are you okay? What's the problem? This guy had a blue check mark and I was ready. And I was ready. I was ready. I googled him already. I'm like, here we go. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just see what's up, right? So then, somebody sent me a link to a thing that was like, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, you work at Wells Fargo. I'm a comedian, I make jokes, you know that. Don't get offended at me if I'm talking about cancel culture. But if you're saying, hey, die you piece of shit and you work at fucking Kinkos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel a little bit, and this is, I think this is a shortcoming I have. I think that this is a fault of mine. That like, when, the fact that anybody can reach me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Makes me mad. Yeah. It makes me mad because when I came up, I didn't have fucking John Travolta's number. Right. Do you know what I mean? There was no way in hell, me, in La Cagnata, sitting around, was gonna be able to say anything to John Travolta. To anybody! Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people think he sucks? I know! Think about Harrison Ford. Think about how fucking awesome he was in the 80s. There were people on the couch that were like, fuck this cuck. This guy sucks. And Harrison Ford didn't know. Which is great. That's awesome for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got jealous. Yeah, how do I get there? Dude, I don't, I didn't even think that that was, uh, I thought I was being nice, by the way. That, that, cause I'm like, you get, you get two and it's great and I'm nice. I'm nice for two, for two, but like, sometimes, but sometimes people- I'm nice for two. There was this one- Two! Who make a hat that says I'm nice for two? Two!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not going to change what the fuck I'm doing. You understand? Just because you want to talk about some, something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all of a sudden, you know how you just feel sometimes there's somebody there? Lingering. Yeah, like some, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, dude, I never want to be this guy, man. Like, my nightmare in the world is to be some, be a certain way that I don't know I am. Right? Like, that's my nightmare. To be unaware of how you're being. Yeah. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but because it's the comedy store, and literally, and I'm not trying to toot my own horn, like, I'm f- whatever, say what you want about me, but there's, there's comedians there that are fucking, like, world-class comedians, and I see motherfuckers talk to them, and that's like talking about, talking about being at a Cardinals game and talking about pool holes. In between, and you're like, dude, let him bat! Let him bat! Okay? So, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm hanging out at the comedy store. I haven't seen fucking two or three of these guys in a long time. I used to work with them. It was so awesome. And there's a fucking tall lanky guy hooking over, right? And I feel this and I turn around and he's now he is starting conversation, which is okay fine. You want to say one or two things, right? Thanks. Then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes off from me and he just, he's in the conversation now and he's driving the conversation. Okay. And I haven't seen these people and the people that I haven't seen are like, do you know this guy to me? Right. So now I look like I have weird fucking friends. All right. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I want them to know he's not my friend. I want him to know that he shouldn't be doing this anymore. Okay? And so he tells a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my other friends laugh. Alright? And it's not funny. Alright? You do like a courtesy laugh. Yes. And, and, and I went like, I went like this. I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ang, I am not, you know, I gotta get frustrated, I gotta get angry, I gotta let it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I love that guy. Because I love people. It's not, sometimes people get the wrong idea and you're like, you're a fucking dick and this and that. Dude, we're all in this together, and I've been a guy like that in a way, probably. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love that guy, and because that guy's doing that, it's funny to me. I don't hate that guy, but I gotta come out and I gotta fucking do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'm gonna get cancer. In fucking nine years, that shit's gonna become cancer. You gotta come out and say like, here's what you're doing bro, and then I feel better. Cause if you're gonna make me feel like this, then I gotta feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I were out and I saw some guy talking to a girl, I don't know the situation. It could be his wife, it could be his girlfriend, it could be a girl he's trying to impress, it could be his agent, it could be a co-worker, I don't know. But my rule is, if a guy's talking to a girl, you just don't interrupt that guy. Okay? So, if a guy ever


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comes up to me and I'm talking to whoever. I could be talking to you, it doesn't matter. If it's a girl, I say, I'm talking to a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking to a girl, man. They say, no, I know, I say, but what are you doing? Yes, this is against the code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also different for a woman too, yeaah. Yeaah. It's, it's, it's absolutely worse for a woman because you have that added thing where it's like, oh you could murder me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's weird though if they're doing like the hip bump or the touching or shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know who's like that for me? 100%. I never say it right and I just say it wrong and I don't try to... Russell Westbrook. Russell Westbrook. Russell... Westbrook. Westbrook. Wow. That's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do all the time. I sound like a fucking baby. Say it again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very tall. Tall. Great makeup. Let me just say even, either of us trans, nobody's fucking either of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I got like a big nose. You have a nicer face, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, uhm. I, I don't know, I, I do, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny. That reminded me, I don't know why, but just because it was about beating, but like, uh, my opener, Michael Anoche, he was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all there to see me, sure, like, and he, and, and not, not, not, by the way, have you ever tried to go in backstage to, to your own show and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. And you're like, I'm, it's me, look here. And they're like, all right, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, God. Okay. All right, buddy. Your job matters. So, so, lanocchi was in the front doing something with merch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And instead of going the back way, he walked through the audience and jumped on stage to go to the back and nine security guys tackled him. Oh boy. And were like, you can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my merch shirt, just like, no, no, I'm the opener, I'm the opener! He was screaming out. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then everyone saw it and then he had to go on stage and do 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he open with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude. That's hilarious. And he's like, isn't that fucked up they did that? And I'm like, no man! They don't even know who I am! I was like, how could you think that that's okay? If you ran up the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I knew, I, I had, I realized after I posted that that I had seen


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I, I don't, like, I believe that everybody kinda does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, people say like, oh this guy's a bad guy, that guy's a bad guy. Like, everybody, nobody really thinks they're a bad guy. Right. Like, everyone thinks they're doing the right thing. Republican, Democrat, whatever the fuck. I think that guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really interesting thing, like, it's a really fucking, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I learn a lot from guys like this. Like you, you can just say whatever you, a truth ism. You can say something that you think is true. And, and you, and you, as long as you sound like you mean it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta help sell the bit though, right? Of course, of course. He's the hype man. But there's a guy, uh, the guy on the left, at least maybe one iota believes in what he's saying, which I don't believe. But you know the guy on the right doesn't believe what the fuck the guy on the left is saying? Nooo. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, start non-corona. Non-corona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's mix it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has surgery. What was the surgery? Does she go on? Is there another second TikTok? Uh, I think this is all I have here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a good, that is an interesting thing because, uh, you're just getting, you're letting them have it. You're letting them have it. What is the surgery, did she get the surgery, is it a medical thing or is it like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, maybe not gummy, but like, that, that, like, she, like, I mean, I wouldn't, you know, but she, she's, that's okay. That does not, not weird to me. That's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is episode fucking 203. What's up, man? Tell me what's going on, dude. You got five fucking minutes. I hope it's good. I hope it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause a hoodie is not something you need, but what do you think is on his face?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull that dude's, pull that dude's ankles so he's not fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have haters. Right, girl? Nooo. You made it all up. Who's, who's, who's hating you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just talked about that. Let me tell you, this is, this shirt, a shirt that has a fucking tattoo on it is the worst because just get the tattoo or don't wear the shirt. Don't wear the shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I love, I love when a fat guy gets a leather jacket. Like, oh, oh, dude, you're sexy now? Bro! Bro! Bro! Dude!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The acting, the acting yelling. I hate, that's what he's doing, the fucking shit when the, when the, oh fuck it. When actors don't yell. Cause actors, when they're doing the scene, it's not really making all that noise. And they add it later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what acting is? Like it doesn't mean I'm a pedophile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't understand what the look, it's like bad look, man. Like, acting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think of this? Do you want to wear this? Do you think the character would wear that? I've always just been like, yea, whatever you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did that for you, obviously, because, like, the guy's supposed to be a douchebag and stuff, and then I, and then I, uh, like, watched, uhm, Hobbs and Shaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I love the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also, you know, this guy's like, oh yeah, no, I don't do those dating sites. And then would use TikTok. TikTok to find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that guy's only got a beard on his neck, the third guy. No face beard. Did you notice that? No. Wait, what? Oh yeah, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, let me tell you something right now. That guy right there is the grossest man I've ever seen in my life. What he's doing, what he has with his neck, he's fucking the awful, I mean dude. It's awful. Just awful everything. That guy sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and, and, uh, and here's the thing, uhm, about the, if that guy, imagine that guy dressed up completely and with a hat, you would have no idea. No clue. That's what we were saying!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that about it. There's the duality. Otherwise I don't like it. If he's that guy all the time out in public, I don't like it. But if he hides it and then comes home and does that, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, grandkids. Like, that's the problem. If you don't have kids, and your kids don't have kids, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are a kid, you have to have kids, otherwise your parents are fucked. I know. Like if you just, imagine being someone and then you have, and then you have kids, and then your kids are 40 and 45 and 50, and they don't have kids, and you're a grand, and you're that, and you're 80, and you're just like, well what the fuck was this all about then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this is like, this is like, if I'm one of these guys, ask me what my favorite movie is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how quick they do it, and that's what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had that lamp grown up in my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I, I, I, you know, I'm a white guy and I can't stand that people are like, white men are the problem, and, and because it's annoying, and then you see that and you're like, alright, well. Yeah, everyone's a problem. Fuckin', yeah, sure, I'm a white man or a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, this guy, uh, I like how he said a lot of people have been asking me is it the end of the time, and then I say yes, and then they say, and then another thing, which means more than how many people asked him these two questions in a row? You're fucking horseshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? That one is kinda, that one is kinda sad to me. You can see that she's like so not well. And it's not fun enough to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I feel like she clicked that off of that and then just was real sad. You know? Like the Michael Jackson lady clicked it off and thought, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To really get her going, you should start, to really get her going, you should start off with, you know, I was thinking, nevermind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, what? I probably shouldn't say this, but the CDC...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, after a cut she says, all are smokin' or whatever the fuck. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not funny. Sooo not funny. There you go. The tongue sign off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do it to my girl sometimes, I'll just look at her and I'll go, and she goes, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I say, oh yea, then check your panties. Yea. She doesn't, so you know she's lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's for girls, but guys like it. Yea, any girl that sees that and then goes, wow, that's interesting. He's a fucking loser. Any girl that would be like, god damn, you've just been inside for so long. I mean, maybe this pandemic is making it work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine, you know, I did a bit on that, on a, on a, on a man on, a man on fire about how like you're not inspiring anybody. And now, uh, because I work out, I'll post pictures when I'm working out. People are like, you fucking are what you hate. And I'm like, dude, I'm not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, just like, the fact that guys like this, and he's not really doing this, but the fact that guys that work out treat it like it's like changing the world, that drives me nuts. That drives me nuts. You're, you know, it's just, you're not doing anything. You're not doing, you're just, you're working out. That's it. Yeah, that's all you did. You're not curing cancer. That bothers me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it when people, that goes back to like when you think you're acting a way and you're acting the other way, like what we were talking about earlier, my nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh my god. God, my head hurts from laughing. TikTok's a really weird fucking thing, man. I think TikTok is the thing that made me realize like I'm older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know? Like, I'm just like, I did a few joke ones as a joke, you know, you guys did too. And like, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, do more! And I'm like, I did one or two. Like, and it's so not f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny for me to- You're good at social media stuff though. I like- I do like doing it, but not- but TikTok is just- it's- the thing about TikTok is it's only funny to me because it's so cringey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I'm doing that, it's funny, but it's still cringey. Right. You know what I mean? You're still doing it. Like if I'm trying to make it funny because it's cringey, I still, there's a part of me that looks at it and I'm just like, oh god. You know? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like, I like a fan base and I like making people laugh, so if I know I can make people laugh on social media, I do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, yeaah. What did he say? He was saying, this is the kind of shit that, this kind of stuff


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you're right, you're right. Okay, so he says, he says, hey man, it's uh, it's supposed, well let me just fucking find it. Hey man, it was supposed to, it's supposed to rain tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, that's what it was. He said, it's supposed to, hey man, it's supposed to rain tomorrow. I said, oh yeah? I said, oh yeah. I said, oh that's crazy, you know. That's it, whatever. Yeah. Later on, we're walking down the street, and I said, man, it's fucking cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, I told you, I told you, I told you that. And I said, really? And he said, yeaah, I told you it was gonna rain tomorrow. And I said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, no that's not what you fucking said. Yea, you didn't say it. You didn't say it. You said it's gonna rain tomorrow and you said, well because it's gonna rain tomorrow it's gonna be cold. And I said, you can't use that for fucking saying what you said. You only said the thing, you can't get extra credit. Right. For the other shit. No. That shit, people do that all the time. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then gets the fucking, with the flat bed, and then gets the thing that goes on the flat bed, and it covers the flat bed, and it's like, alright bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't trust you. You want the truck or you want the fucking car? You can't do this half-stepping shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one I know, I'm all into the talk. Da da da da da da. That one. Da da da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? You're fired, okay? You didn't follow Proto. How do you get a job here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey honey, just want to let you know that I find it hilarious that I have been texting you all morning. So then I comment on one of your videos and you reply to the comment on your video before, before you text me back. Love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' angers me. I make them all the time. They taste like dry pussy, and I hate it. Just a dry pussy meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love watching you watch these. I want a show where just you watch these clips, cause I love your reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you, fuck your mom, fuck your dad, fuck your family, and fuck you, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I do. It's, uh, kinda my soup de jour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's different these days. It's not the same as it was in the 90s, you know? Really? Where it didn't look like it was real. Now they've really figured it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's, uh, another woman, you need a third party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it doesn't have to be, but it's preferred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too simple. I mean, it'd be nice if there's a little, I don't know, some sort of circumstance around it. It depends on the plot and such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or they're choking on it so much that they just have tears going down their face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, they, they do their own little jizz sometimes. You know, we saw that at SP. Yeah. You don't like a money shot? I guess not, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, now we're in, uh, 2020. I'm going to be in Wilmington, North Carolina at Dead Crow Comedy Club January 25th and 26th, and then the Comedy Connection in, uh, Rhode Island on the 31st to February 1st. All right. Wonderful. It's very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi ladies. If prisoners on death row get a last meal, are all the lonely ladies of TikTok giving me something good to eat before the virus gets me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put your legs on my shoulders, crushed my skull between


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wanna go the extra mile for you. Public display of affection. Uuuh. There's like no one else in the room. Awake come get down like there's no one around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I appreciate that. I, I mean, you know, it's the, the, you know, the, we were talking about atypical, that character in particular is so, and that's like what I'm doing the most right now, acting, that character is so sort of, um, emotionally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Repressed. And then the dichotomy of what people see online and on the sports show is very different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we don't speak this way in real life. But, you know, I mean, like I said, I probably could have afforded to do that a little bit more when I was younger, but, you know, as, as, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, not, not regretting, just, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I wanted to be... Like my goal as a young actor was to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A character actor. And then when I'm like, I coulda, you know, I coulda just chilled a little bit when I was in my twenties in terms of like, not being so rough around the, I don't know. It's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I never like, I never looked at myself as like, I never, like when I was young, you know, pay attention to your looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but you could've like, you know, I look at photos from like, premieres and shit, I show up with sweatshirts and hoodies on and shit. You know, like, you know, when you could've like, had to maybe like, put a jacket and a suit on and shit, but I was like, fuck that, you know, fuck that. You know, I was like, on that, fuck that shit. I was really on that, fuck that shit. So, so, you know, whatever, but I mean like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this online thing, it's called like opening night and they'll show like premiere photos from the 90s, from the 80s, from the 70s, it's kind of a cool website. And I'll be like, oh, what the fuck, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I fall somewhere in between and I think I approach acting and every character and really every scene and every show or every movie with what is necessary to get to where that is. Now, uhm, you know, I could do something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May be very simple for me with a specific part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seen to seen, uh, day to day basis, you know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, you know, as far as a method, you have your own method, I mean, one of the things about acting is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Energy. Like, your energy, like, I mean, there's elite, elite, elite actors, like, you know, the Christian Bales and the Denzels. You know, these are elite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, guys that could do everything and they, you know, have just a skill set as actors, like the checklist, like, you know, they could do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the writing was so fucking good, you know, it's crazy because of that, like the Louis show has been like, I can't find that episode anywhere. Really? It's like scrubbed. The Louis show is gone. That shit's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and, uh, but I mean, he, the writing was so good and you know, like I think I got it on a Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freezing. I mean it was fucking freezing. And I had never met Louie before and like we were out there, you know, he had like a ski mask and you know, he was like, let's just do it. And I was like, let's just fucking start because it was fucking freezing. But he's a really, really good director and a really good writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like a cathartic character for me, like that emotion was very something like for me, like I was able to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uhm, let loose a lot of emotions that I was having specifically at that time. And I really enjoyed doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very excited, very angry, uh, with the very, sometimes like the very soft, I mean, you know, like, in that, you know, like the lighter shade, you know, like I look at, when I look at acting, you know, we talk about the good, good, uh, actors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhh, like during the game? No. Oh. In life. Like I, I, like I make like, you did the noise when we started, you were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, that's nothing. It's like, uh, like, it's like, I'm like a 96-year-old dinosaur joke. That's what's in me now. So she's now, because she's like, are you okay? Like, she's literally like, are you okay? And I'm like, the fuck are you? It's like, yea, I'm just making noise. She goes, yea, but those are not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, she not, she no, no, no, no, no, no. So what, you went the other way? No, she's, it's just a good balance because she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know what, in a simple context without boring the shit out of everybody is like, she's from the beach, she's from Santa Monica, I'm from the city, so if it's really like water and like concrete, that's the balance. And she just, you know, that's in a nutshell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, you know, she'll dip into shit, like, whatever, I don't wanna like, but, but, but it's just a good balance, you know, it's just a good balance, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, being the, uh, marriage expert that I am, since I've had so much success, I think that the balance is important. Like, you can't have too, you can't have too much concrete. You can't have two rappaports together. Oh my god, can you imagine? Oh my god. Jesus Christ. You're fucking overwhelming. So I'm still paying alimony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I wanted to make the movie. My whole impotence to make the movie is, will you guys make another record? That's like a theme in the movie, but that's what spawned it. And I just love Tribe, and Tribe Called Quest, and hip hop, and that music is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it sounds like a gangsta record. It does. It doesn't sound dating. You would not know, like, oh, that's. I know, it's dope. And, and, and, you know, making it under such, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can feel the emotion in both those records because of that. So yeaah, it was dope. I like that record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those producers, like for me, like that's the biggest thing that I complain about with hip hop. Now it's, you know, there's, there's some good producers now, but like the production, like Premiere and Tip and all those dudes and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a large professor and Pete Rock, like, it was life and death, every beat you put out. If you put out some bullshit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that situation, I don't know Ari Shafir, I don't know his comedy. I've never, like, had any interactions with him. You know, I, uh, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Kobe, I'll talk about the Kobe situation. Obviously it was devastating. It was shocking. Uhm, you know, it was, you know, it was so upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, uh, that day, that Sunday, uh, uh, as I was, and as the rest of the world was piecing together, you know, what happened and praying and hoping that it wasn't even real, like you were only almost in, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're, everybody's in their own sort of personal nightmare. Like yo, I had this fucking crazy dream that da da da da happened. You know, cause it was so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just upsetting, you know, whether you are a basketball fan, a sports fan or not, like he represents a time in our life. You know, everybody for the last 20 years has heard that name, even if you're not even in the NBA, into the NBA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when that happened and then you start hearing like, you know, uh, uh, that, you know, there's other people and that, you know, his daughter was on, you know, you're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had retweeted, it said something about his video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I turned the video on, and I'll be honest, I haven't even watched the whole video. When I got to the part where he was saying, and it was so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm a shit talker myself, and, and I'm not like, you know, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was disgusted by the shit. And I'm not, uh, uh, I have, I have thick skin. I, um, I don't give a fuck about what people say and I've stuck up for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other comedians. Publicly. When other comedians don't stick up for them. With the Shane Gillis thing, who I just met, but I, you know, like I've


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put, put my, my mouth on wax, my tweets on wax in support of, of, of him and thought that was fucked up. And, and, you know, in, you know, in different versions of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, Louis CK and my opinion on that and a bunch of other motherfuckers don't say jack shit and Shane Gillis' friends didn't say shit for Shane Gillis and other comedians were attacking him. But this was not a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was not, uh, uh, an inappropriate joke. It wasn't an inappropriate tweet. You decided hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two hours after this was broken to put a camera in front of your face with such-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nastyness and disrespect towards this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The unsolved mystery of who is in there, and say this, and I was just disgusted by this shit. And I don't consider myself, uh, uhm...