[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna give the hook a try, I guess. She either follows you or she doesn't. I mean, there was a lot said in those few little smiles, but, you know, she laughed and I giggled and then gave her the hook. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's listening to him. Ricky Romance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gives her the hook, there was a little smile, and she smiled back, and there was a twinkle in her fucking eyes, and then he went and fucked the shit of her, hoping to find a bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like a parrot. The man who cut off his ears to look like a parrot, the guy's, is that tattoo? Shit. Alright, this guy's got tattoos, he cut off his ears, he does look like a parrot, but why would you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a parrot haircut. Oh dear. Would you shut the fuck up with this parrot guy? What the fuck is wrong with you? Well, I got my haircut nice. And you look like a dick. Look at it. You've got like a box head now. I look taller and thinner. No, you look fucked. You look kind of dumb. And you still look... Why would you get your haircut like that? Well, you got your haircut. Bubbles gave me enough money to get some, make up some burgers. And I got my haircut. I got my haircut, Randy, because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing wasn't really fitting on my head that well. Alright, it's the only reason. Probably doesn't even fit your stupid head. Randy, you're about five seconds away from getting tackled, so just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you put on a bear costume and I'll fucking see what you got. That'd be nice. Julian, don't be an instigator. I'm sitting here in the middle of this shit, boys. Don't talk about bears. Don't talk about wealth for the rest of the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You what? I was Alex Lifeson from Rush's Guitar Attack, briefly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean, you don't even play guitar? No, but I won a contest, don't you remember? What'd you do for him? Well, he tried to make me wear a stupid shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wear shirts anyway. You know what? I can understand rock and roll is an interesting business, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in a little way, maybe. Are you attracted to his talent or just to his body? This... Why don't you bring up another story? No, what color eyes does he have? Uhm, I think they're brown. I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With, uh, guns and roses and I've actually been with Rush. It's exciting. Yeah, it's exciting. Alright, what's this thing? Oh, it's a street, uh, sign. It gets stolen every couple months apparently. Hortytown Road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. I like to have a coffee of it put on my street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go there, butthole road, knob fields, fanny hands laying, like, great man. Ricky, who gives a fuck? How long can we talk about that horny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, have you ever been honest? Well, I was hitchhiking briefly, and I repeat briefly, uh, but beautiful province. When you mean, when you say hitchhiking, do you mean hulking for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was not at that time. Bullshit. I wasn't, no. Do you wanna hang out with us again? Listen. Don't lie. What do you give for a ride?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen Julie. What, do you have group breaks? I just don't understand it man. You don't need to come on the show and talk about all this stuff. Okay, that's the past and we'll leave it there, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm gonna, it's gonna make me smarter. And, you know, I could do it. And just like, just like, you know, Mr. Schwarzenegger says, you can do things if you put your mind to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just take a little bit of time for yourself instead of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like all the bullshit, like cleaning septic tanks out. This is McDonald's septic tank. So is there like a guideline for hitchhiking? Like what, what you have to do for how many miles or? Well, normally you go on the side of the side of the road that you want to go to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 10k. If you wanna go that way, you gotta be on that side. Other way, the other side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what is it? NASA. Oh, space story, right on. The feed goes dead after an unidentified object passes through space towards the earth. They've got footage of this fucking light coming down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they lost feed, you know, of everything. NASA, I mean, that's pretty big shit. They did it on purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A light came down? Nope. It was a fucking UFO from another planet. And NASA said, if this gets out there, it's gonna be fucking panic everywhere. So, we have to shut the cameras down. That's what I think happened. That's what I think happened as well, man. What do you think happened, Randy? Something dumb? Maybe the power went out? Or the fucking batteries died? Idiot. I believe in UFOs. I think they're real. And uh, I've already seen the couples over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just, aliens are sending them out just like they do in the movies. And they're checking shit and they looked at us and they went, they're fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so fucking boring, man. You're killing me. I heard that marijuana smoke fixes the ozone, so people should smoke more weed. Yeah, I don't think marijuana smoke hurts anybody. I think it's cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's at least a thousand jets going around. They need to make an electric jet. See Ricky, that's a goal. Electric jets. Or a windmill jet or something. A windmill jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Man. When the fuck is Bubba supposed to be getting back here? I don't know, but he better not be playing with my fucking seal again, I can tell you that. If he's, he's, I'm telling you, if he's still playing with the seal, instead of being here where he should be helping us, we're gonna have to sit down and have some kind of a talk with him, man. Alright, here's a good story, there's this dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chip, if you have a picture of this guy, throw him up. He looks like a fucking cartoon character, man. This guy is massive. He looks like the Hulk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of wanting to fight a bear, he wants to fight fucking terrorists. That's a pretty good goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's, that's his goal. See look. Look at this fucking guy. Alright, but, alright guy, you're pretty big there dude, but what are you gonna fucking do? A gun would hack you down in a second. That's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking care of business, man. You wouldn't want to get fucking... All they'd do is go like this, throw a grenade at him. He'd be fucked. You know he's not running fast. What if he got grenades?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, that's what I'm saying. He needs to be like, heavily armed and he needs more than just himself. He should- Going at people like- He should get some. Get some grenades. Uh, bulletproof skin tight suit. Alright, Randy. Think this guy's hot or not hot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's terrified. Don't hurt the house. Again, that's harmful to the environment. But don't tell anyone that he friggin' lived there, cause that would just be horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great, Randy. Why don't you set five goals for the next show? And then you can come in and tell everybody. Why don't you fuck off in five different ways for the next show? That's a good goal for ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well are you gonna do your fucking thing? What thing? You always do that I'm waiting for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every week you fabulo jucasa and hold one of these up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we're good, we've got a fuckin' awesome guest on the podcast today. We fuckin' do. Got a CD right here. This is Matt Anderson. Right here. How you doin', Matt? Good man, how you doin'? Fine, incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honest man, Matt Anson. Holy fuck, that's got some crazy chords in it too. I was trying to watch there because I'm going to learn that one. Maybe you can show me after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Ricky, did you see the new, uh, ice maker I put in the fridge? Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got one of those installed, you know the ones. No fucking way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever play any like crazy kind, not crazy, but like, you know, countries you wouldn't think you'd ever would have played?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I absolutely am, I'm not denying it. Alright. Oh yeaah, here's one I thought you might find interesting, Ricky. Really? How many cans of soda do you think the average person drinks a year? Let's go, it's for Canada and the U.S. Me personally or on an average? The average person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hundred. No, it's more than that. Six hundred. Six hundred?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes you do, I've seen you drink pop lots of times. What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I wasn't, I didn't factor in the mix. I wasn't thinking of that. I was thinking they were talking, you know, you just go drink it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you wanna hear a fucking fact that's right? I'll tell you a fact that's right. Oh, fuck, that one. I didn't even see that there. We were gonna talk about Prince. Prince Donald. Fuckin' hell, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody keeps dying, so I'm gonna have to do a French tribute now, on guitar lessons from Bobble Shaw. Gonna have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a Prince tribute. Maybe you come on with me and we can both dress up as Prince.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that'd be nice, guys. That'd be a very nice thing to do for friends. Did you guys, oh yeaah, I wanted to bring this one up too, Ricky. The new smart mattress that's out, did you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it hooks to your phone, you can tell if anybody's banging in your bed. It's got sensors in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Husband or your wife is banging somebody in your bed. Oh, okay, I get it now. It then alerts you on your phone and the metrics on it, it has a speedometer and one of the things is impacts per minute. That's what it monitors. Like the force?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I wanted to bring it up to you. I thought you might want to get one. But it would kinda suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think we should do? Let's get back and play another song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quiet Company Track Number 5. Honest man, here it is, man, and it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm like totally fascinated with your voice. Could you do just like some little bluesy thing where you're just wailing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so if you're watching this down there or anywhere, actually, or listening to it, check out, what's your website? Where can they see this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sausages. Stubbyfingers.ca, check out the tour dates. Check them out live. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tricked me today, made me, made me look stupid, so guess what? That's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Butterfly. That's a, that's an operation gone wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and I'm so ready for people's messages today. Oh hell yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hang on, now, now, do you mean he does them as a hobby, or he runs them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it by accident on my phone once. Of course, everyone has. But I think it's like, there's police officers, I imagine they just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of poking their nose into things, and I guess these places don't have that much of a complicated layout, you know, cause they can't, there's not much space, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you rent a place to have a business there, it's got a big room, another big room off it, it's not like it's that hard to find. And suddenly, you know, there's like a crime scene in front of you, with all these people like, bagging up money or something. I just, I like the idea that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The classic policeman responded to a call of no one responding on the line, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there also those, you hear about these things that are the pizza thing as well, like, um, calling the police and asking for a pizza. Is that code for I'm being held hostage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people have their own code phrases, but you see sometimes in bars and stuff, there's like, you know, if you're uncomfortable on your date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can go to a bar and ask for a specific thing, and they're like, well we don't have that, and you're like, well I want pizza though. I definitely want pizza. They're like, well we don't serve pizza. But I would like pizza wink. Pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah woah woah woah woah, so hang on a second. So, there's two couples doing a escape route together, except two of them are cheating with each other, and sneaking off to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, I thought that sort of, when you started going to the police thing with the escape rooms, I thought it was something to do with people being held prisoner, or people being hostage, you know, just, see what I mean? Cause if you didn't know what an escape room was, at all, you might think it was something...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be like, you know, like a panic room, or like a safe house, or something, do you know what I mean? Yes, exactly. Like an escape from crime room. Escape from crime! Yeah, like, you've done crime when you're using that room to escape. Yeah. It does sound...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got a cool, cool idea. Games night is so much fun, oh my god, it's our current obsession. Finally, we can put all of our miniatures to use, all our tiny toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a wall of boxes, right, and they are miniatures that I've painted or collected or bought or been given over the years, and I can't bear myself to throw them away because I think, oh, this should make a great video one day. I am like a hoarder though, it has become out of control. Cause the thing is, one piece of scenery, these are massive!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am the biggest child in the office. If you were here, you'd be telling me off like a naughty kid, like, tidy your room, you'd be whistling, you'd be playing a tune, tidy your room, it's a fucking mess, you don't know what you're doing and it looks like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be getting all manner of detention and grounding and would have my PlayStation time removed. The thing is, when we changed up the office for Jingle Jam, I had to clear all my desk, right, I had to clean it. So I shoved everything into my recording room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just need an hour, but as soon as I get a free hour, I look at it and I'm like, I don't wanna do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. I mean, it's possible. Well, I think you see so many things on telly of people being falsely accused and going to prison for the wrong thing, or whatever, or people just held in a grudge, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure there's a few TV shows where the warden commissions some artist to do a picture of his wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one state which is Michigan, where they're known as, like, a Michigander.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, New Yorker's fine. Like, New Yorker's perfect, yeah. But then they also have Vermonter, Manor, New Hampshire, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These days. A golden shilling, probably like a hundred pound?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a heroic decision as well, like, you don't have to feel guilty, you fixed it, under cover of darkness, like a fucking stealth... Could you imagine getting caught, though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like it was done accidentally, do you know what I mean? I think they both went for the same piece of meat, and the cat was just, just didn't realize how heavy he was, and crushed him. Just crushed him. Probably felt terrible about it. They were probably mates. Maybe they were, you know. Maybe they just had a dispute. You know, like that circus, circus, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't know if we can really say that that is evidence of, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's the way the world works, right? I can imagine tons of people would put money into this fucking stupid shit idea. Ugh, just a casual animal cruelty. It's not a lot of people are just like, ah fuck the environment, ah fuck the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People love doing that with the internet, generally. They're all, you know, truth social and all this shit, do you know what I mean? I guess so, yeah. It's all the- everyone's already associated themselves with terrible things. True, true. What can they do? Yeah, true. Alright. Anyway, great, great, great letter, thank you. Thank you, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like any of the, um, I don't like any of the yoga, or India, or river, or like, um, Bodhi or something like that. Or, you know, I don't like any of those types of names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Okay, so, if not refreshed, then how did you feel? I, uh, felt fine. I think it was a nice day out. It was something different. That's always nice. You know, it's nice. It's nice to... it felt like I'd been to a botanical


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go, maybe ever go again, do you know what I mean? But, like, I like personally doing something I've never done, and so, that to me is entertainment enough, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for and against this marriage, um, and just see if the fours outweigh the James Corden thing. Cause that, I mean, you could write that one on there as like times five, um, you know, it's a serious red flag. But, my man, you'll be alright. It's the worst thing to do. Get the hell out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a red flag. Go to an escape room with her and she keeps disappearing off with your friend's partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the police turn up. And then the police, yes. Because, because they pulled the police on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't smile very much and aren't very visual, like, aren't very much, aren't like, very dramatic with their face, facial movements, right? And those people who you see their ordinary face more look, uhm, just look less bitchy, just see what I mean? Like, whereas if you've got someone who's really outgoing and smiley all the time, uhm, and then you see them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people do have, like, naturally a bit of a turned down mouth when they are resting, do you know what I mean? Some people have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, resting bitch face doesn't mean resting ugly face, it sort of means, or ugly resting face, it means, like, sometimes that's cool, a lot of people go for that look, you know? A lot of people don't smile on purpose. Billy Eilish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of those things that I always think of when I think of one of these great filters, you know, of how we can destroy ourselves and other races might have destroyed themselves, you know, getting into a war, even if you don't fire nuclear weapons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they change your psychology too. I think something, uhm, something that, like Dota and League of Legends, they are the way you have to interact with people, and the way that the systems that make you play the game actually are negative, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For fun, to playing competitively. And it becomes very serious, very quick. You know, it doesn't look like anyone who's playing chess is really enjoying it. Um, just, you see, I mean, it's so competitive, so thoughtful, so much is on the line, it's so serious. And I think gaming isn't supposed to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let us know your letters, your thoughts. We're interested to read about your lives and hear about your interests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julian, I got an idea. Hurt your clinker out and do a clinkity clink. That'll be the new...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, just wait, just wait, now do it. So, man with the horse face. Yes. Where are you from? I'm from the farm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A horse farm. What do you like to do there? What's your favorite hobbies when you're at the horse farm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, name me some horse types of things that you would do at the horse school. How to name your horses? They teach that to the horses, do they? So that they can... Bang, have little horses and name them. What else do they do at the horse school?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's the trick to that? How do you keep your coat so shiny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You learn a special way of uh, looking, getting other horses to lick your coat and clean it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I even made, I mean the guy had a pretty good horse thing, he was working on it for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was just straight up honey oil, but wow. Man, I must say these are not fucking too bad. Why? These little, uh, things that we're not supposed to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where did you get the motor? Cause I'm missing the fucking motor that I was gonna put on my lazy susan. Cause I was gonna build one of these exact things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say that fast three times. Oh man, trailer dash park dash boys. Trailer dash park dash boys. Dot. Backstreet merch dot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than the horse, man, this has been pretty lame so far, guys. Should we get him back? Well, you know what this is? This is a super party games edition. Oh yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Podcast Super Party Games edition. How does that work, bud? I'm gonna rhyme off some classic party games. Good. You ever hear of the game, if you could have? That's when I invent it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright. So you just pick a different thing, you know, each time you play, so we can just pick like cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so what are you saying? If you could have a superpower, you're wondering what it would be? Yes. And then you discuss. Well, obviously, it's complicated because you're going to pick flying. It'd be fucking cool to fly. But what if you could trade in flying for like three? Like you could run 55 mile an hour, maybe walk on water and fire it on demand or something like that. Fire it on demand? That'd be like, that's not considered a superpower, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you would, Ricky. You wouldn't trade in flying for that. Well, fucking running 55 miles an hour would be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew you guys get fucking carried away with this shit. Out of the game. Not playing. What about a machine gun penis? Why? I don't know. What does it shoot, Ricky? Whatever you want to, I guess, but... Yea, you can take that in a bunch of different ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it would look like- What would your name be if you were a superhero? What would your name be if you had a machine gun penis? MGP?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supergun, supergun. Supergun. Supergun, holy fuck, here comes supergun. Everybody dock, he's blasting us with- Better get out your umbrella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you do, Bubs? What would you have? Well, I never really thought about it. I was more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a great, nobody has that super power. I don't think. Fly at the fucking speed of light. You could fly up and meet the tall whites or anybody you wanted to, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they just discovered a bunch of new planets, didn't they? Is that what you're telling me? Who did? I thought you told me they discovered like 1,400 planets or some shit. I didn't tell you that, Rick. Ah, fuck, I dreamt that, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think there was possible life or potential reality for life or something like that. So it's kind of cool if it's a true dream. If it's a true dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think flying at the speed of light would be... I don't think that's even a super power though, is it? Well, it would be. Nobody can do it. Seeing through clothes would be cool. X-ray vision, yea? Well, there's been that. People have had x-ray vision. What about that stretched plastic, oh man. Or whatever the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like right now, if I wanted to throw that fucking Plinko game across the room, I could just go vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stretched plastic, old man. Wasn't he a super?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flight speed like machine gun penis, super glue. To be invincible, that'd be something pretty cool. Nothing could fuck with you. Like nothing. Until ultra not invincible man comes at ya. Who's even more invincible than you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should, we should make a comic book then, Ricky. You could draw it, you're good at drawing. The adventures of super fast floaty fart man, machine gun, glue penis. And what are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, sorry, how many are true? Just one? Just one true and two lies. I'm not wearing any underwear, uh... You might put that off quick. Like, you didn't even have to think of that, so I'm guessing that's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like I knew we were gonna play or something, I didn't. Wait a second Ricky, you don't have underwear on. Well shit, so there's two that are- See, I fucked it up. Do you have a bloody sock on? No. Are you sure? I did last week, that's where that one came from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well now the game's called Two Truths, Two Truths and a Lie. And then it works. Do you guys want an Easter egg? They're fucking delicious. Where did you get them, Ricky? Easter candy. Yeah, but Easter, how long ago was fucking Easter? I'm pretty sure it was not long ago, was it? What month is this? It's May. May? What month is Easter in? April. Or fuck, no, this year was in February. It's been a while, Ricky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, fuckin' delicious. Sorry Mo, didn't mean to take your Easter candy butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so why would a fucking mall have Easter care? Who gives babies chocolate? Good parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a good time to do it if you're gonna do it. You don't want to fuck up their older teeth. That's when you really start brushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fucking kids though, they're having a good time. You shouldn't be wasting time brushing fucking teeth. They're gonna follow anyway.


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[Assistant] Sorry guys, what were we talking about? Uhm.


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[Assistant] I'm one sleeve so that your real arm goes down inside the shirt and it's a long shirt and it's got like this splash guard and shit and you can just do your business wherever you want and people just think, ah fuck it. No, he's not doing it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but Ricky, like it's gotta be a joke. You'd think people aren't gonna notice, you know, your front of your pants going in and out. For no apparent reason, cause both your hands are dangling at your sides. Well, I just thought Julian could use one. He does that more than any of us.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. You can get the hand in any color you want to.


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[Assistant] Ricky, you wouldn't buy one with like a black person's hand on it and expect that you're gonna trick me, no? Would be funny though, wouldn't it? Would be. I'd love to have one black hand. That'd be cool. Jerk shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricky, I mean, you don't gotta order one, I can build you a fucking shirt, we go down to the mall, get a, you know, cheap shirt, and we cut the hand off a mannequin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would make more money. Because the problem with the jerk shirt is, you know, you're still going to see the shirt moving in that area, right? That's what I'm saying. It's going to look like your wingers. They should change the name to the finger-in-shirt. For women. Because it's more subtle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those hands, it was real, and you'd be like, oh, you're wearing a jerk shirt, aren't you? And then you'd probably be offended. Yeah, you could fuck up.


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[Assistant] That's a good question though, where does that come from? You're in an awful pickle now. I'll look it up.


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[Assistant] Frankie, how many people do you think own, own giant peckles big enough to house a small child? I mean, that would be a world record size peckle. Cause it comes from a cucumber. Maybe they've got big pumpkins. You can get inside them, put outboards on them and shit. They do have pumpkin boat racing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm just glad they don't have those in jail instead of going to, you know, isolation.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you, if you had a bunch of plastic, big plastic pickles.


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[Assistant] That you could take power naps in and you had a little place at the airport called the Pecklepod Patch where you go in and you pay a cop a box and you get in this big relaxing peckle. That'd be a hit.


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[Assistant] That would have the capability to make and grow a mere ten foot peckle. Probably the guys that do the pumpkins and the tomatoes that are the size of basketballs.


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[Assistant] What a fucking headline. Alright. This is a headline? Yes. There was a Thai ladyboy named SexyPanky.


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[Assistant] What would you, if you got to hang out with sexy pancake for a day? Well, I'd like to meet any celebrity, right?


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[Assistant] What the fuck is that? It's a frog with a giant penis. Oh, I saw this. I saw this. I'll get them to put a picture up of it. Look at that. It's a frog and he was born with an un-unfinished third leg.


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[Assistant] But that's the way it grew in and that's what it looked like. That's a leg. That's a leg!


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[Assistant] Ricky, where did you, where are you finding that stuff? I don't even remember where that came from.


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[Assistant] You must have been just Googling penises, were you? Remember I showed you how to type the word into the Google searcher? Yup. You clearly typed in the word penis. I think I put weird penis things or something. And a bunch of weird penis things came up. Well it would, that's how Google works. I know, but I didn't know it was that good. Google? Yeah. No, it's good Ricky, like you can find anything.


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[Assistant] Well, if I can use it. What else did you try searching? Remember? Uh, no. Well, guess what? There's a search history. We're going to check it out. Okay. Well, I don't know. Is there a way to erase that?


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[Assistant] Accidentally all of a sudden, you wouldn't be able to pull any of that up, would you? Ricky, if you smash my computer, to hide your fucking weird search history, I'm gonna be not happy. It wasn't that weird.


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[Assistant] Cute little monkeys doing cute little monkey things, but no.


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[Assistant] Put that in, see what happens then. I don't think anything will come up. So this guy actually had a penis transplant, I didn't really read it, but. Yeah, he did. But why? I think he got- He was not happy with the size of it, or-


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[Assistant] I mean, if you lost your penis, you definitely would want another one, I guess. They're pretty handy to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're handy. They're a good time. They're handy to have. I believe this guy. Oh, you know, he did. He lost most of his penis several years ago to cancer.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's a different guy than I read about. So do they rip off the part that was left, or do they just add to it, I wonder? Well, Ricky, I'm sure they, you know, I'm sure they smooth it out.


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[Assistant] First, you know, get a nice fresh playing field. You wouldn't want a big scene.


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[Assistant] I hope they gave him a good one. I mean, if you're getting a new one, you should get to pick what it is. They would have gave him a can bump for sure.


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[Assistant] What the fuck is this? Scientists say they found the secret to better poop transplants? What? I don't know, maybe this is not part of the penis story. I hope it's not. Anyway. Thanks, Ricky. Sorry I trailed off again. No, I think it's fantastic, Ricky. Got any other relevant penis stories?


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[Assistant] Moved into the rental house on the property, so now the kiddies have the big house. They got a whole fucking house themselves.


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[Assistant] No, she's, she's got a lot more kitty experience than I do. I mean, I look after her, you know, any given time I've got.


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[Assistant] I know, it's all their free-range kitties. She started the free-range kitties. She's got it all fenced in. Twelve acres. If a fella was gonna acquire a large number of cats, what do you think someone like yourself or Lef and Danzia would pay for a cat per cat?


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[Assistant] Scam cooking up in your head there revolving around kitties and I'm not having any part of that. Would you buy a used kitty? Of course I would buy a used kitty. Used kitties are the best kind of kitties. Even if it was stolen? Ricky, don't be stealing people's kitties. Steal their lawn mowers. What are you thinking? Alright. Why are you getting them fired up for?


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[Assistant] That's what I was thinking, if you get some high end cash. Yea, and guess what? The person that owns them paid $3,000 for them, so it's their kitty. But what if they're dicks?


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[Assistant] Alright, wind her up. Next time we won't get it as high, maybe. They won't anyway.


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[Assistant] How many of those games you got, Julian? What games? Those, uh, Tinko games. This is just... Just one? Just one.


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[Assistant] Ricky, do you mean you fired that light in your ears? That's what you used to call your hooch, or? I dunno, there's a little hole in the car.


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[Assistant] You know why I use my Matlock skills to deduce? That was in his ass.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it is right now. Talkin' it. Okay, I prepared some things today. Awesome. That I would like to think about.


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[Assistant] And they, you know, they were wanting him, you know, to do it at the zoo. And he wasn't doing it because they want, you know, to have baby sharks at the zoo.


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[Assistant] I don't know what they do, actually. That's what they do, man. I think that's in the shark, Jesse. I think he just...


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then the other sharks can sense it or whatever with their load sensors, and then just backs up onto it. Like a, you know, always.


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[Assistant] Well, a company would pay him to put their advertisement on the back of his neck. Like a tattoo.


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[Assistant] Well there's actually a woman, there's a woman that sold her forehead for 10 grand. 10 grand. 10 grand and she got a website.


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[Assistant] Wow, that's pretty funny. There was a, there's a big Ferris wheel in Belgium.


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[Assistant] They locked down, oh, what's going on down there? Shooting a fucking porno! What?


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[Assistant] And there was a family on vacation and they locked down with their kids and there's a lady getting humped.


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[Assistant] Alright, here's a good one Ricky, there's a guy in Moscow. He stole a car, but he stole it from a repair shop. Guess what the car was in for? What? Getting fitted for brakes.


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[Assistant] True story, fucking car had no brakes. Buddy backed her out, tried to get away. Reaped through a fucking red light. Killed a hundred people. What a fucking... Didn't kill a hundred people.


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[Assistant] No, I just made that part up. Well that's why I laughed, because I clearly made it up. I wasn't laughing, because I thought a hundred people got killed. Stop trying to make me look bad. I'm not trying to make you look bad, man.


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[Assistant] Holy fuck. Oh yea, this is a interesting story I read too. There's a dog. Yep. Stupid ass dog. Fuck, I hate dogs.


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[Assistant] Ground floor apartment and he always would just jump out the window, you know, to get out onto the street, do his poop or whatever he was doing.


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[Assistant] Tell him the story to prove to you how fucking dumb they are. You think that would happen if that was a kitty? Not a fucking chance would a kitty leave out a fucking kitty.


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[Assistant] More logical answer is the fucking dog is dumb.


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[Assistant] That's all camera tricks, and don't get me wrong, I love littlest. I think he was pretty cool, but he's not a representation of what dogs are like.


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[Assistant] And I mean, some of the s- I mean, Ricky, you know the stuff on Littlest wasn't real, right? Like when he jumped out of the fuckin' airplane with the parachute on?


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[Assistant] Anyway, that would not have happened if that was a kitty, that's all I'm saying.


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[Assistant] And then he goes exploring, and he finds everything he needs, and then he jumps up on the window ledge and goes, oh, I better be careful there, we're up six stories now. That's what kitties think like. Dogs are just like, oh, there's the window. Out I go, HOLY FUCK!


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[Assistant] I mean the only weirder thing could be if she had four on one.


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[Assistant] So the first thing you'd do if you like forearms, the first thing you'd do is jack off and eat a steak. At the same time.


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[Assistant] Would you sit down like at the dinner table and you know just have the hands under there going at it or would you be standing up? I didn't think that far ahead.


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[Assistant] Don't know if you notice, I got four arms, I can fly a fucking space shuttle better than anybody. Put me up. Cause I can do twice the work, twice the button work.


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[Assistant] Wrecking, if I was in the space shuttle.


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[Assistant] What is it? For the people that can't see this, that are only listening?


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[Assistant] Ricky is holding up a bottle with a wooden ship inside.


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[Assistant] They take, they've got tools, long skinny tools, and they grab a piece of the boat.


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[Assistant] How have you been? Uh, well, Bubs, I've been sort of back and forth between here and Toronto making, uh, making a new record.


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[Assistant] Maybe the biggest rock and roll band on the planet. He plays with the Kings of Leon.


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[Assistant] Well, if you want to end up playing his records, then yeaah, you totally go for it.


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[Assistant] No, I wouldn't say that. Ricky, I wouldn't say that. Well, it's true. I cost.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Ricky, I've heard about some of your, uh, uh,


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[Assistant] Less than legal exploits, and so it's in my best interest perhaps to not give you an advanced copy of the album.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's called No Telling When, precisely 1985. It's a, it's a mouthful.


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[Assistant] I could tell you, Bubs, but I would, I'm sort of bound by a sort of code of ethics that won't allow me to discuss that.


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[Assistant] Too much further, but there's some truth to it.


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[Assistant] Guys, I just think we're all reading too much into it. It's something fun for-


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[Assistant] I just called. No telling when. Precisely 1985. Yes, thank you.


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[Assistant] Alright, Ricky. Take a nap and I'll get reconfigured here.


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[Assistant] You don't know about this, Bruce Jenner. You know, the Olympic guy you're talking about.


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[Assistant] Well, he takes the, you know, I think they give him the injections to give him the boobs, don't they?


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[Assistant] So you piss yourself in the car, so the car that I ride in the backseat of.


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[Assistant] Native to Hawaii, I don't believe that was created in Hawaii. Anyway, even if it was


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[Assistant] Wait a second, he's a jolly green giant, an alien, that's really good at cooking corn, and he's down here and he made-


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[Assistant] This, just driving down here, it's like, you know, Sunnyvale, if you had ten thousand people roaming around, that's exactly what it's like. Look at the people.


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[Assistant] You better start making it funny. And that's what I realized. She's beloved.


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[Assistant] You know, a lot of those problems. Anyway, so first day of filming, best day of sports show period, I say, hey John, I heard you had a big penis, four or seven foot tall black guy. And he's like, yeah, that's true. I go, really?


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[Assistant] Well, I was touring over, that was my first trip to England, actually, and uh, I'd only been there a week, and I got the in, I was touring with Squeeze, you remember Squeeze?


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[Assistant] They had a lot of great songs and, uh, Chris Difford from Squeeze lives down the road from Paul. And so when we were driving over to, uh, back to his house after a gig, he said, hey, maybe, well, first he said, do you never guess who lives down here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just thought of the biggest person I could think of, which was Paul McCartney. And you know, I was right. And uh, so the next morning, he just gave him a call and...


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[Assistant] He was 53, which is just, I mean, I'm gonna be 53 next year. It's so crazy. Time flies.


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[Assistant] But, but he looked great and, uh, his kids were there and his dogs were there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well he goes, you know, you're wrong, whatever he said. He didn't know my music at the time, but he'd heard of me because...


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[Assistant] So they'd heard of me, and they knew I was from Canada. In fact, we talked a lot about Gordon Lightfoot, actually, strangely enough.


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[Assistant] You know, his song. I was too afraid to play one of mine. You played that too? He played with me. He sang harmonies. That's amazing. Yeaah, that was crazy. He played me a couple new songs that he'd just written. He, uh...


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[Assistant] I know it was cool though. You know what was cool? At one point, after I got my confidence up,


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[Assistant] And he goes, oh, I know exactly what you mean. You know, and I love Jeff Lynne, don't get me wrong, but it's just that you know how everything sounds like Jeff Lynne, he does that thing, Tom Petty, whoever it is. And he said, I'll come in, I'll play you something right now on the stereo. So we go into his living room.


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[Assistant] Any, any, I don't know what kind of stereo you have, but he's cranking this song over the stereo.


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[Assistant] Not only that, but he's singing along with his own song, right? At full, you know, belting it out in his living room. So, and it sounded like, you know...


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[Assistant] So anyway, that was about the size of it. And how long were you there? Like maybe three hours, something. And you know what, he had a Picasso in his washroom. I thought that was interesting. In his pisser. In his pisser. And it was not even the nice bathroom, it was the one off the kitchen with just the toilet in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other thing I remember about it, cause I went in to use the washroom, and you know how it is in England where you can't find where the, the flusher is sometimes? Cause it's everywhere, it's on the floor, and so I couldn't find it. I'm looking around and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just peeked my head out, and he, I guess he knew what I was about to ask, and he just kinda went like this, you know?


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[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, so that was another, I don't know why you thought of that.


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[Assistant] But he had a long driveway, you know, lots of land, and at the top of the, sorry, at the beginning of the driveway there was a little...


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[Assistant] See, that's something you'd never know.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, I wish I would have made up a name sometimes, you know? I mean, you know how a lot of songwriters these days, they don't use their name, they call themselves like Bright Eyes or something, or they call themselves...


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[Assistant] I don't know, uh, parking meter or something, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Well, well, he makes knives apparently, yeah. That's what I've heard. It's nothing to do with...


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[Assistant] Yeah. All these tips are good.


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[Assistant] You see those board games over there, do you, did you ever came across the game Battling Tops? Battling Tops. Remember that game?


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[Assistant] It's like a wrestling match but everyone has a top and you pull the string and they all go in the middle and they fight and the one that's still left spinning is the winner.


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[Assistant] Uhm, where's your favorite place in the world? Uhm, well this is gonna sound like I'm totally blowing smoke, but I love Halifax, I love Halifax.


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[Assistant] Awesome. That's a good answer. That's a great answer. I always wanted to live here. I mean, I can't, I lived here for, briefly in the early 80s actually.


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[Assistant] And uhm, so I always love this place, and uh,


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[Assistant] I'd have to say Japan. Japan is really beautiful but very strange.


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[Assistant] I know they have these things now if you say something in English and then trans- translates it like, and then you can hold it up to somebody. They have those now. That's cool. That's very cool.


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[Assistant] An idea comes to you for whatever reason. Maybe you overhear- somebody says something while you're walking down the street and then the light- it's like a light bulb comes on over your head and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I'm a melody guy, so I'm always singing to myself. I was a courier for years, I wrote a lot of songs walking around, you know, as a courier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yeaah. Like which ones? Like the early stuff? The early stuff, yeaah. The first record of 2, Secret Heart, all those songs were written. But the thing is, I didn't have anything, a dictaphone, so I'd get a song going and I'd have to sing it all day basically, so I wouldn't forget it. So you could record when you were home.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that whole album pretty much. Just walking around. Yeah, I did that for a long time.


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[Assistant] Well that's like the, what are they, the third wall or what do they call it? Is that when you just crack the third wall? The fourth wall. Is it the fourth wall? I believe so.


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[Assistant] You know, he's the first guy that actually sort of, he saved my career basically. I mean, my album had come out in North America in 95 and it,


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[Assistant] It was just dying a slow death that no one knew about. It wasn't selling. And at the end of the year, Elvis held it up on the cover of a magazine.


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[Assistant] Uh, they were sort of guilted into working it in overseas and that's when I was able to find my audience.


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[Assistant] They weren't happy about it actually, they were kind of embarrassed and, uh, not that the album went on and sold a whole buttload of records, but it, but definitely that, you know, at the time, it turned a lot of people onto it and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we toured together, and actually he took me to Japan the first time, and we, uh, I did his TV, you know he had a TV show, you ever see that?


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[Assistant] Very good dude, yeaah. Very good dude. I didn't know him in the old days. I think in the old days he was maybe not, I was going to say less of a good dude. I think he, you know, he had a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More of a temper and that. I think he's sort of mellowed into kind of a nice, nice person. But I've only known him as that person, so.


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[Assistant] I've only met Alton once, although we talked on the phone. The first time he called me at home.


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[Assistant] You guys don't swear on the show, right?


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[Assistant] I will, maybe I've got a sponsor for those too. Here, take a couple of those things man. Awesome. This is great.


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[Assistant] It's going, let's go. I'm waiting for you. How would a puppet blow it? What? How would a puppet blow it? Ricky, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, what we were talking about before. That's alright. We weren't talking about puppets blowing things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julian was talking about some puppet, or the guy that worked the puppet.


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[Assistant] Okay, so this is podcast number six. Hi everybody. Bubbs, you freaked me out with the last one. I was pretty fucking shocked you actually came through with a real guest, Snoop. Yeah, well I got a fucking better one today and I got this all rigged up. Seriously? With Skypey Wipey. Cause man, like, I...


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[Assistant] This person smokes a lot, okay? Woody Peckerson. Woody, Woody Peckerson? Woody Harrison, you mean?


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[Assistant] I fucked up with Woody Woodenpacker. Woodenpacker, Ricky. It's not Woody Woodenpacker either. Woody, he doesn't have a wooden packer. He's a bird, a wood packer. And I guarantee you he doesn't smoke. Is it Woody then?


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[Assistant] How do you go to full screen here? Just a sec guys, there's a way of testing those batteries right now, if there's a table in front of you. If you drop them from like six inches, and they bounce, they're fucked. If they don't bounce, they're good. I'm not shitting ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe him. And is that factual or is that jokes?


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[Assistant] Oh, this is a question. Have you tried Wahlburgers yet? They're burgers. I know you're a big burger fan, like we are.


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[Assistant] Absolutely, see, he knows his history. Oh, I didn't know anything about that. He's right into history, he knows his history. Well, I got the confused anyway, so. Yeah. Alright. Well, that was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well actually, I didn't have anything ready and I was nervous, so this guy Preston gave me a few things he said he could talk about. Uh.


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[Assistant] What does this mean, I don't even know what this means, Preston. Five dollar bill, Trek fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Bank of Canada has asked people officially, has asked Trekkies to stop turning the five dollar bill into SPOC. William Laurier, they're fucking making them look just like SPOC. Wilfred Laurier, not William Laurier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] William Laurier runs the gas station. I've seen some of the bills, they actually look pretty, uh, pretty much like Spock. Have you seen any of the Spock?


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[Assistant] Well, I guess the big fuck up is that the Bank of Canada is asking people not to do it, which is dumb because now everyone's gonna do it, I think, so. Oh, I'm definitely, I had no, I didn't know anything about it, now I'm gonna try it. Cause it sounds fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be touching the buttons. Oh, stop fucking around here. Well, I like twiddling buttons. Well, you're fucking something up. No, just leave it alone. Check one, two. It's not me, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barely. Hello? Yeaah, you're there. Can you hear me?


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[Assistant] That's what happened. Fucking bear shell got lettuce in the jacks. That's a good hat to get. I got lettuce in my jacks.


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[Assistant] Well, I don't know. Yeah, does anybody have any more questions for the man? Well there's one here, I mean it's...


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[Assistant] Yes, Nazi gold. What'd you think of that now?


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[Assistant] What's going on with you these days, man? What are you up to, man, these days? Hey, just before you go, tell us about what you're doing. Fuckin', you just finished making Goon 2, didn't ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else are we supposed to talk about here? I don't know, perseguing these fucking things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm asking you, cause I don't know. I'm fucking right out of here. I thought it was whack. It is whack. Okay.


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[Assistant] And then you said I'm not calling him because I'm too nervous to talk to him because I think he's attractive.


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[Assistant] I'm not talking about how the man looks anymore, okay? We've talked about it enough. I know, but every time it gets brought up, you...


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[Assistant] Okay, so what were you gonna watch? This fucking sky pool in London. Do you know what that means?


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[Assistant] At the top of these two fucking buildings, right? They connect in the two buildings. So when you're fucking swimming in this pool, you look down, it's like...


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[Assistant] You know, fucking ten stories up or whatever the fuck. So like, just made a pool out of big, thick, like, loose-like glass or whatever. Yes, exactly. But how would you see through the concrete to see what's below anyway? It's dumb.


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[Assistant] You said I'd look straight up and stare at your wang. You didn't say that, Bubbles. I messed it, I don't know if he said that or not, he might've. I didn't. I said I'd look up and then you talked about getting your wang out and jumping in so people can see you. Of course they're gonna see if they'll look up. Ricky, what are you doing? Oh, if we're gonna keep this going, it may as well keep the drinking going, right? Yep. Get it in, bud. Alright, are we done?


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[Assistant] Well, we could talk about something that I was going to talk about a couple weeks ago, but I fucked up and the car got left under here. Did you guys hear about this? Portland Pooper? No. No? There was a guy, I guess, who was fucking pooping all over stuff around Seattle and Portland, somewhere in the U.S.


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[Assistant] They can't catch him. He's like a serial pooper. He's a serial pooper. They call him the Portland Pooper. What do you mean? They might have caught him by now, but yeaah, he was just roaming around, fucking pooping on buildings and...


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[Assistant] Talk about the Seattle Shedder than the Portland Pooper. I'd like to see- we gotta get a picture of the person that came up with this Seattle Pooper. Like, what does this person- No, Portland Pooper. Portland Pooper.


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[Assistant] Okay. Alright, let's sign off. Ricky, why would you say that? Why wouldn't you just casually skip away? I don't know if it's the second beer or what, but it just came on with a vengeance.


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[Assistant] Okay then, I guess that's- So as you're sitting here talking, people know that you're-


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[Assistant] Alright, we're done. We're signing off. Rick, can you shut yourself?


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[Assistant] Boys, I'm too fucked up to do a podcast right now. I'm fucked. Well, do you think I wanna do a podcast? We have to.


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[Assistant] Love it. That looks fu- that looks disgusting, man. Bubby! You got me a beer, good man. Starting to figure out the way I operate.


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[Assistant] Ricky, that thing's gonna stop your heart dead. Pretty fucking good. Speaking of that, boys. I've been thinking. We need to probably slow it down a bit. We've been purring into fucking herbs. What do you mean we?


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[Assistant] Well, it's 1,500 light years away from us, in between the Cygnus and


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[Assistant] There's a fucking star, like way the fuck out there, and the scientists are looking at it, but they notice something's been, you know, moving in front of it, not in orbit.


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[Assistant] It can't be if, there's no such thing as aliens and ships and, well, you know what? I do believe in aliens. I've seen weird things in the sky, but I thought it was just my buzz on. But!


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[Assistant] Maybe it's just somebody fucking jumping in front of it. Dude, jumping jacks. Oh, I fuck Ricky. Oh, but Ricky...


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[Assistant] I'm talking about a fucking star like bigger than our son. Right. And something's moving in front of it. It's not a guy jumping. I know, but it's so far away that all you'd have to do, I mean, you could put your finger up like that and block the light.


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[Assistant] Right? If you have a telescope right here and you put your finger in front of it, what's happen there if you just move your finger around? You would never see that.


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[Assistant] Here's how far a lightyear is. Oh my god. Okay, bubs. How far is it?


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[Assistant] Light travels at about 380,000 kilometers a second. Bullshit. Something like that. It's in the hundreds of thousands. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] So a light year is the distance that the light can travel in a whole year going that fast. How far are you gonna get? A lot. Yes, a lot.


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[Assistant] So just one of those is a light year. The fucking known universe is 93 billion of those across, Ricky. That's so.


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[Assistant] Has everyone ever fucking gone from point A to point B? No. Definitely not, but they can see it with their eyes and measurements and- Right. Oh, so now you're gonna tell me it's not-


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[Assistant] What are you trying to tell me here? What is this really trying to fucking say? It's saying that there's something out there moving around that's defying the laws of physics. It's not in orbit. It looks like it's made by an intelligent species.


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[Assistant] Biggest, it's block, it says it's blocking out 22% of the light, and that's bigger than what Jupiter would block out, so it has to be. So you're trying to tell me there's a ship bigger than fucking Juniper. Maybe. That is fucked. I'm just saying that's a theory. My theory is it's a fucking 900 foot alien.


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[Assistant] Dancing from fuckin' asteroid or back. There could be 900 foot angels wrecking. I never know man, see. Well, if they're building something that big, they gotta be pretty fuckin' tall. Like, probably the fuckin'...


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[Assistant] He just made up to sell corn nibblets, Ricky. What does it make sense?


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[Assistant] Maybe he's an alien and he fucking loves what they have, well what's up? And he came down and noticed how to fucking cook them better than anyone. Gets us all addicted and he's like, come with me if you want fucking more of this shit, I'm cutting you off. Everyone goes with him to his planet.


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[Assistant] Wait a second, you think the Charlie Green Giants are alien? That's really good at cooking corn.


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[Assistant] And he's down here and he made corn for everybody to get them addicted so he could say, guess what, no more corn unless you come with me back to my planet. Turns him into fucking corn sleeves.


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[Assistant] And a cheese alien came who said, I've got all the cheese you can imagine. Up in cheese land. Come with me, you would fucking head up to the cheese planet.


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[Assistant] Well, I know, it's okay, well maybe I'll try one. Here's a fun fucked up fact. I got on your little machine last night and just typed in fuck things. Bet you guys didn't know this. I know you didn't.


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[Assistant] Ricky, I don't think that's true. That's what I said. Well, those fucking computer boxes don't fucking lie and say, female kangaroos treat vaginas, which is fuck, like how would you pick?


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[Assistant] And they're probably all equally desired by the male kangaroo. Well, unless there's one that's, you know, smaller. Three of them could take her on at once, I guess.


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[Assistant] So they could be making it up and no one else can fucking say, hey, you're lying because we don't have those fucking tools.


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[Assistant] So I don't, whatever, maybe it's true, maybe it's not. At least mine's true. If you want to talk about space, here's a fun fact. Buzz Aldrin, one of your fucking heroes, this might change your opinion. When he landed on the moon, he fucking pissed on the moon. First man to piss on the moon, Buzz Aldrin.


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[Assistant] Well, he didn't piss on to the moon. I think he did. What, did he piss his pants on the moon? Yes, he would have had to, Ricky.


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[Assistant] Oh, well that's fucking lame. I thought he actually got to piss on the moon, the moon sand. How would he do that, Ricky? What's he gonna pull his zephyr down? Pull his wiener out on the moon? He must have the thing like your underwear where you can just pull your bird out, nothing else. No, Ricky, you're in a fucking pressurized airtight suit. Well, maybe they could put a pressure capsule just around the cock and balls. Boom. Pull it out and piss away.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but then your wiener's out in a vacuum. Your wiener's gonna turn itself inside out in a vacuum. See, they fucked with someone that was stoned and drunk. I thought that he got to piss on the moon seeing dust. No. He pissed in his fucking pants on the moon. That's what you should say. First man to piss his pants on the moon. Fuck sakes.


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[Assistant] Alright, see that wasn't that great. No, it sucked. That was bad. Okay, here's one, Ricky.


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[Assistant] $10,000 worth of marijuana falls from the sky onto a family's doghouse. You gotta be kidding me. That just happened, they wrote. In the yard, I think, barbecuing and...


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[Assistant] Kablam-o. Aw, it just proves it. It's fuckin' weed fairies.


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[Assistant] People that need it more. Why would they drop on the dogs? How does it prove there's weed fairies?


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[Assistant] What do you think? Weed just fucking comes out of weed clouds? They get sucked up from the earth and then it rains weed on dog houses? Someone would have thrown it out of a fucking, out of a small plane or something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like you think it flew out of a plane, perhaps? I was watching the other day with my grandson one of those Tinkerbell movies about the fairies.


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[Assistant] And they make all the seasons change and they can carry lots of shit. It's probably fucking half a dozen, maybe more of them. Each had a little bale of weed and plonk.


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[Assistant] I've seen evidence of them. That's perfect evidence of them right there. What the fuck else could have got in there and got out of there without being seen? Something fast, maybe a Humminbird, with a little fucking carrying pouch on his back, I guess.


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[Assistant] Who told you, Ricky, that we eat fairies? Did you just come up with that? I knew about fairies, but if it's delivered weed, it must be like a weed fairy. I'm fucking jealous. Come to my house, weed fairies. I'll fucking take whatever you have.


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[Assistant] Here's a fun fact for you, Ricky. Okay, bring it on. The average cloud. Yep. Weighs 1.1 million pounds.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you right now, if they know that, then that's some fucked up waste of money right there. From our fucking government or NASA, whoever the fuck does that, they build a big giant cloud scale. Plink it up there and fucking weigh a cloud. And then we had to weigh more than one to fucking get the average.


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[Assistant] They fucking do it by calculating the density of the, you know, the moisture in it. So can you calculate how heavy I am without putting me on a scale? No. Sure you can.


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[Assistant] I disagree. If a cloud was that fucking heavy, it'd fall right out of the sky and kill a bunch of people and squish everything in its fucking path. No, but it's the size ratio, Ricky. It's so big and the density is...


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[Assistant] See, nothing you're saying makes sense. A boat floats because it can't get shit to go through it, right? How does a cloud float? When they're falling with all this weight. It's like, fuck.


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[Assistant] Well, you read one then, Ricky, if you can prove everything you're reading. You're not going to be happy about this one, bud. Now, I don't know if I'm pronouncing this properly.


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[Assistant] Katzenklavier, K-A-T-Z-E-N-K-L-A-V-I-E-R, in brackets, cat piano, was a musical instrument made out of caged cats. They all had different pitches.


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[Assistant] The fucking keyboard player used to drive nails in their tails to make them make noise. That better not be fucking true.


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[Assistant] I guess that's how you say it. I'll be looking up who fucking developed that and who worked on that project. Well I'm guessing that's probably his name. No, I doubt it. His name was Katz and I think it's in reference to the Katz being... Oh, I see. So it's a different one of those other languages that isn't Canadian. And that's why in the bracket it says Katbian. See, I'm starting to get the way a lot of this stuff works. The more you read, the more you actually do learn.


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[Assistant] That one we saw was close to a foot, I think. But it melted before we could keep it.


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[Assistant] So 15 inches is fucking- No Ricky, that was made at a bar. That was a piece of ice at the bar. They made that. That didn't fall out of the sky. Well, that's a big fucking snowflake anyway. But how, you know what, how the fuck did they measure that? See, I'm second guessing my facts now.


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[Assistant] Like this. Who the fuck figured this one out? A donkey will sink in quicksand? And a mule won't?


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[Assistant] That's what it said. And most things on those boxes are true, I guess. Why, like, why? Maybe a fucking mule has hoofs like a duck. Yeah, but it doesn't. That's the thing.


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[Assistant] Or maybe when their legs, when they feel quickstanded, their legs bend, and then it has to fucking sink that whole bendy length. That's what it is. That could be it. They might have a...


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[Assistant] Reactionary response where the leg creates more surface area that's creating more drag.


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[Assistant] Possibly. It's not a bad theory. He could have a different type of air bladder stomach, and when he's going down he just goes, fills up his air tank. That's possible like a fish. So mule is like part fish. Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] Ricky. Something adjusts how high up and down they are, whether it's water or air, I forget. And that's what they do, they suck in different amounts of air, I think. You're so flocked. Okay, maybe they don't.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, mules and donkeys sinking in the quicksand. Neither one of which can have babies, can they? Or one of them can, or one can't. What is it? Who cares, man? Really, who cares? They suck. Well, I kinda do now, is donkeys...


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[Assistant] Of Calzone, you know what a Calzone is when we go for Calzones.


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[Assistant] Is that the pizza that's folded in half? Yeaah. You know, it's a nice calzone, I call it. Okay.


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[Assistant] The actual Italian translation, it means pant leg. Pant leg? That's what it said. Doesn't even make sense.


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[Assistant] I can speak Italian and I didn't know that- Again, it's a fact that we can't really prove though. At this time. What, that you can speak Italian? Cause you can't. Oh, I most certainly can. Okay. Give us something. I was on that whole series.


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[Assistant] She was like 16 and had a bunch of hits. No, that was Debbie Gibson. Oh, fuck yeah, that's right. From Gibson Guitars.


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[Assistant] I remember reading this last night going, this can't be fucking true, but it is. McDonald's stores in fucking Colorado.


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[Assistant] They should leave those fucking things right where they are and just have hours.


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[Assistant] So there's a fucking site there that puts up fake news stories. Yes. Just to fuck with people?


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[Assistant] I thought it was fucking awesome. I was gonna try to get down there quickly.


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[Assistant] Imagine eating McDonald's right in the fucking store and getting rekt on-


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[Assistant] I guess that was the case. Why wouldn't they just be selling, you know, McWeeders or... I think they should. McHashie. There you go. McHashbrown.


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[Assistant] Ricky, can you put that fuckin' thing somewhere? The safety's fuckin' on, look. It's not on. Look. Just here. And it's cocked for fuck's sake. Give it. It's not fuckin'. No, it's not cocked. Yes, it is cocked. Oh yea, it is sorta cocked. Alright, we'll just point it over to the corner, there's no one over there. Why, like, just- Did you ever hear a ricochets?


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[Assistant] This is a band I wanna talk about. Oh fuck. Listen to this one, Ricky, they're called Hate Beak.


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[Assistant] Oh, see that? Hate Beak. Hate Beak? The lead singer? Uh huh. Is a fuckin' parrot.


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[Assistant] In Italy they can, you can say to your boss, he can't come in and say hey, you can't watch porn on your lunch, you can say fuck you. I'm watching porn. I'm fucking cranking one off at lunch. He can't stop you apparently. Well hopefully he doesn't walk in on you while you're cranking one off. It'd be awkward.


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[Assistant] Real, real exciting, Bob. So that's the fact, I mean, most people can crank off their lunch hour in Canada and all over the Americas and everywhere, can't they?


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[Assistant] Cause it's a fucking gun, Ricky. I know, but... Safety's usually on, like... Doesn't make sense, boys.


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[Assistant] Alright cast, since you're being an arsehole, next one is all you bud.


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[Assistant] You fucking come up with the fun facts. Alright, I'll come up with some facts. Maybe I won't even fucking be here, who knows? Maybe you can just do it by yourself.


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[Assistant] You know what? Maybe you guys just fucking do it without me then. Maybe that's happening. And I'm taking this.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm just saying. And don't touch my pretzels either.


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[Assistant] How long is that joint you're smoking? That thing looks like it's about a ten-incher.


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[Assistant] We're just, uh, you know, smoking a lot. We're getting ready actually, we're gonna be going on tour.


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[Assistant] Over to Europe. We're going to a bunch of countries we've never been to in Europe. Name one. Well, Germany. One of them. What's that like? You've been to Germany.


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[Assistant] Perfect. That's what we're gonna do.


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[Assistant] We got a couple things, couple things happening here we want to ask your boat. What do you think of this whole Ashley Madison fucking thing where all the fellas get caught cheating?


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[Assistant] Did you see that? You know that there's a site called Ashley Madison?


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[Assistant] Passwords got leaked and now everybody knows who was on there and people are fucking in trouble.


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[Assistant] Here, I got some, I got some stuff written down here. Boys. Pegmelt! Pegmelt! Did you hear about that, Snoop?


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[Assistant] Well, let me first ask you, let me first ask you this. Do you enjoy cheese? Do you like cheese? I love, I love cheese.


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[Assistant] I do too, right? I love cheese. We just read this. There's a place now making fucking cheese out of pig milk.


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[Assistant] I wonder if anybody ever made a cartoon of that where they, you know, slice up porky and put them in the pan. Oh man, that's a kids show. You're not gonna fucking do that. Oh yea, I guess that would be kinda fuck, wouldn't it? Couldn't really have that.


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[Assistant] Oh, the, the artificial intelligence robot. Did you hear about this thing? What the fuck are you talking about?


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[Assistant] There's a artificial intelligence robot that they built and they're


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[Assistant] You know, so you can ask it questions and it can think for itself, and the guy, the guy says, do you think robots are gonna take over the world? And the robot goes, uuuh.


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[Assistant] Robots that can get high and you get them, get them hawkers.


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[Assistant] Oh, what about, uh, Donald Trump? Donald Trump shootin' off to Kareem. He did Kareem after- Oh! Yeah!


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[Assistant] Yeah, Kareem, you know, called him, Kareem called him a bully or whatever and Trump came back with a nasty thing, didn't he? Yeah, what did he say?


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[Assistant] He said, uh. Nobody even likes you or something? Yeaah, he said nobody likes you and you don't know anything about life.


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[Assistant] Hey Snoop, we had a couple of people ask questions on the internet.


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[Assistant] There's a couple of funny ones here we thought we'd ask ya. One guy asked if you could play any superhero, who would you pick?


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[Assistant] You go see that, bro? I would go see that. One guy's asking if you've ever played hockey before.


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[Assistant] Okay man, I don't know. Hey Snoop, it's us.


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[Assistant] Were ya? What's the crazy thing? You think you ever did?


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[Assistant] We, we, we smoked, we did that in the Vatican, didn't we? No, we didn't do it in the Vatican, man. We've never been there. Oh, I was really baked. I was into church though, I think.


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[Assistant] Well that's, I mean, if you're gonna use a page, you might as well use the first one, where it says in the beginning. Yeaah. In the beginning.


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[Assistant] Yes, sir. Ah, this was awesome. This was pretty awesome. This was awesome, boys. You believe that? Snoop Dogg.


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[Assistant] I don't know man, people have been saying it's good, I don't know. People saying it's like awesome burgers, I wanna try one. There's not one where we live, but you should go try it out and let us know what it's like.


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[Assistant] That was awesome. I was really focusing to try not to get tricked. And he tricked me. That was excellent. I'm good, Julian.


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[Assistant] Yes sir, some kind of a real funky, you know, something funky.


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[Assistant] Well, because we're talking to Snoop and I think.


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[Assistant] I think even though, even though we're on the internet, I think every time Snoop exhales into the camera, I think I get higher. Is that possible?


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[Assistant] Oh, this is the only other one that was written down. Skittles or M&M's.


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[Assistant] Skittles or M&M's, there's a fuckin' very deep question.


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[Assistant] So peanuts, back peanuts, if there was nuts on the wall, what would they be called?


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[Assistant] I thought he was gonna say no, I'd be sitting up there and, you know. I don't know. Oh man.


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[Assistant] Well, I meant my hoes, like, you know, my bird, but I guess it could have been hoes too. Like if I...


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[Assistant] Oh, it's unbelievable. You just feel like you're in a spaceship.


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[Assistant] No, Ricky, I'm talking, his place is like, super nice, way nicer than this.


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[Assistant] What did you, what did you think of the Straight Outta Compton movie? Was it awesome?


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[Assistant] It's going on the internet, the podcast, we're casting the pod out.


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[Assistant] No, it's just, you know, I never thought of, you know, saying it that way before.


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[Assistant] Okay Julian, I think- Oh fuck, what was- I think you need to say something profound. I'm trying, I'm trying man, you know what I get- Ricky-


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[Assistant] Here, match me a liquor drink, will ya? You want a liquor drink or I'll just take yours? I'll just take yours.


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[Assistant] God damn it, sounds good. Julian's wondering if you could send him some nuts.


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[Assistant] You know that song, don't you, Tenron? No, no man, no. Tenron is a song.


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[Assistant] Chips. Chips. Chip, we gotta, we gotta say, we gotta let Snoop get going. Yeah, we'll let him eat his breakfast.


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[Assistant] Yes, sir. Cheers, man. Yes, sir. Snoop Dogg. Fucking right. Right there.


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[Assistant] Well okay, there are money bags, what do we need to do?


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[Assistant] Oh, I'm not saying they're probably not, I'm just wondering why he thinks rich equals you to make a good burger.


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[Assistant] Ricky, you, at first you didn't know Wahlburger meant because it was from the Wahlberg family?


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[Assistant] Well, I can't read that well right now.


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[Assistant] They got Sam Sarah, Baldy, Nepalese Cream, Himalayan Suda, Dura, Vermean Buddha, Shabani, Super Bisla,


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[Assistant] Bicycles, you've seen how many fucking bicycles. They're fucking everywhere, I've tripped over a couple.


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[Assistant] We could somehow get those shipped back. We can't ship them back, we have to move over here.


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[Assistant] So I did a little research, do you know that the, the red light district hawkers,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cuz wait, I've got some info on them here. Got some intel? Somewhere. There are two twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This February, Amsterdam raised the minimum age for prostitutes from 1821 for Louise and Martine Falkensal.


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[Assistant] Sign reports. After more than 50 years on the job.


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[Assistant] Well, let's do the math. 355,000 divided by 50 years.


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[Assistant] Well, there's just some, oh yeaah, there's a cat museum here.


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[Assistant] Yeah, look, so that's Alton John crab with a big wang. Alton John shrimp, I mean.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's a corpse of this guy wearing cloak and he's...


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[Assistant] They do. They have like arch support and they're curved on the inside. Curve your foot.


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[Assistant] No, I thought it was in around 20 minutes.


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[Assistant] But why? What makes them glorious?


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[Assistant] So because you like giraffes with the long neck, you want it to have a swan neck.


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[Assistant] Alright, what else is on the list besides what? When you take a shower.


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[Assistant] Let's just sign off and we'll remember it after maybe. Okay, so this has been podcast number nine brought to you by


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[Assistant] You know what? You're gonna drink an entire 2-4 of that today, Ricky. We'll be with you the entire time. You're not gonna get drunk.


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[Assistant] For fuck's sakes, now I have to get fucked up to deal with this idiot. Upsized, because I like upsized.


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[Assistant] I'm the assistant trailer park supervisor, Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Been doin' it for fifteen plus years. And guess what? Nobody gives a fuck.


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[Assistant] This is called Bone Shaker. Bone Shaker? You got? Oh wow. Haha, he's driving a bicycle, everybody. Look. I got a bicycle. It's a fucking twist-off, dude. I got a... 20 war that, bubs.


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[Assistant] Hey, what do you do for a living? Okay, I got a question for you, Randy. Yeah. What's the most money you've made in one week of hookin'? While being smoky.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's hard to say because I spent some of the money on cheeseburgers. Okay, just in, just how much do you think approximately?


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[Assistant] I don't know, I did really good, like I probably made about a hundred bucks. Wow. I'd say.


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[Assistant] In a week? No, not in a week, that was like a day. Cause different days are busier than other days. And that's seven days a week? Thanks, Ricky.


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[Assistant] Why don't you take a cut, you help him out, get him some customers.


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[Assistant] If the money was good, he's gotta be more motivated though.


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[Assistant] You have to work seven days a week. I'm not doing it anymore, Julie. Eight hours a day? I don't have to do it anymore now.


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[Assistant] For the right buddy, yes. Oh my god. Can I try?


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[Assistant] Cinch bug gets on your lawns cause if the lawns aren't kept wet enough, they just, it gets hot and then the bugs get between the grass and on the roof. Okay, I stand corrected. See? I stand corrected. Bubbles will kill ya. They'll kill the whole lawn.


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[Assistant] It's important, you need to keep your lawn watered and you won't get the cinch bug. So you need to keep your lawn wet. Yea, and also clean up the dog poop before you mow. Just get your mother over here, Randy.


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[Assistant] And never folks, ever, ever step in a flaming shitbag. Don't stop, step in it or on it. Cause it'll get in your friggin' shoes. In the treads.


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[Assistant] Actually, I can tell you one thing, when you're cooking your cheeseburgers and you're toasting your buns, if you toast the bun,


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[Assistant] And flip the top crown of the bun over and then put the burger with the cheese on top and then put the bottom of it on and flip it over then you can take the top off and the cheese doesn't stick to it. You can put shit on your burger.


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[Assistant] No, I just finished a few lawns, that's all. I definitely smell pickles.


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[Assistant] Mr. Lane, I do skits at the Blanford Recreation Center, so... Randy, who gives a fuck? Nobody. Nobody.


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[Assistant] Okay, if it does happen, if you get a hold of somebody, let me see the contract. There's gotta be a way of making money. Doing that stuff.


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[Assistant] It's not the same Greece as in Greece with John Travolta living in John.


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[Assistant] Really different spelling, Rick, and it has nothing to do with french fry grease.


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[Assistant] Grease is located across the ocean from us, from Sunnyvale.


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[Assistant] Wow. And it's like they got nice cliffs and oceans and hot chicks and stuff. And they manufacture. And I think most of the stuff they do is tourism. And they're good at soccer. That's what I know.


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[Assistant] But they don't make grease there, like grease gets made in an oil factory. Ricky?


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[Assistant] The liberal guy. That's right, Justin Trudeau. Yeah, his dad used to be, uh, what? Prime Minister.


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[Assistant] No shit, Randy. Wow, Randy, you're fucking just so, you're just like a


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[Assistant] I don't think that you should ever put anyone into office if they're butt ugly, because you gotta look at them all the time.


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[Assistant] I got my grade 11, Julian. I forgot. You got your grade 11, but barely. Here, what else do we have here?


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[Assistant] Don't know. Well, that thing. Part of the fucking problem, I guess. The thing, he was a rock. A rock, muscly rock man or something. Big rock man. Yeah. But I saw the movie, the thing. Who are the other


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[Assistant] Guys, who cares, really, okay? Let's just move on. I suppose that's kinda silly. It doesn't matter. Who cares about the fantasy?


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[Assistant] Like a mushroom. But how do you know if it's solid? It's got two holes.


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[Assistant] You know, cinch bug and watering their lawns and how to make a proper cheeseburger with the bun on the bottom and they learn all the good stuff about, like, current events. Like, this has been very educational. No, for yeaah. It's been very fucking boring.


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[Assistant] As far as I'm concerned, you've got nothing intelligent to say.


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[Assistant] Or interesting, Randy. That's the big problem with this fucking podcast. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody gives a flying fuck. Two four deals back on at the King. How's that? Thanks, Randy. Two burgers, two fries, two twenty-two.


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[Assistant] That's a deal. Yeah, that's just groundbreaking stuff. This has been fucking painful.


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[Assistant] Welcome to Lore Legends, a subset of lore episodes that explore the strange tales we whisper in the dark, even if they can't always be proven by the history books. So if you're ready, let's begin.


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[Assistant] Back in 2018, the British Museum announced that it was working with the Iraq State Board of Antiquities and Heritage to preserve and protect an aging public works project.


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[Assistant] Well, aging might not exactly cover it. The project centered around restoring a bridge that has quite the claim to fame. It's not just old, it's the oldest in the world, clocking in at a staggering 4,000 years.


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[Assistant] But while that one particular bridge spent millennia waiting to return to the light of day, you and I probably see modern examples all the time. From massive landmarks like the Golden Gate Bridge, to little country bridges right in our own backyard. These construction projects often define who we are as humans.


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[Assistant] We are gap-crossers. For thousands of years we've endeavored to broaden our minds, expand our territory, and connect with disparate cultures. We hunger for connection, and bridges exist as a literal symbol of that quest. But that metaphor pops up in one other place. Our discussions of life and death.


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[Assistant] Whether it's the rainbow bridge that some people dream of for their pets or a desire to stay in touch with lost loved ones, we have always been looking for a way to reach beyond the veil. And if the legends are true, there are even some physical bridges out there that are rumored to do the impossible. They connect the land of the living to that of the dead. I'm Aaron Manke and this is Lore Legends.


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[Assistant] Tucked into the northwestern part of Vermont is the small town of Stowe.


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[Assistant] It sits at the foot of Mount Mansfield, the highest peak in the state, then is known as the American home of the von Trapp family, once they left Austria during World War II. It's also about an hour north of East Corinth, Vermont, one of the filming locations of Tim Burton's 1988 horror comedy, Beetlejuice.


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[Assistant] In fact, both towns have something in common, a small wooden bridge overlooking a babbling brook. But where the spooks and specters of the film were fictional, Stowe has its own haunted history, and Emily's Bridge sits at its center.


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[Assistant] Its official name is Goldbrook Covered Bridge, and it was built in 1844. It's a one-lane, 50-foot crossing that was constructed from sturdy pine. So sturdy, in fact, that its builder claimed that it would last forever. Today, the natural wood color has darkened to a muddled brown, but it's still standing.


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[Assistant] There are two speed limit signs posted on the bridge, a 10 mile per hour limit for cars, while horses are restricted to a walking pace. But its robust construction and odd speed restrictions aren't why Goldbrook covered bridge is so well known. It has a much darker reputation, all because of one young girl named Emily.