[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he, wait, the point is like you dumped me for that guy, and now you're gonna see what a winner I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But question, do you think he's good in bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, can you fuck, you can fuck longer with meth, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I will walk by you taking a dump and it's don't be stingy, Mark. Like, I hear it coming from the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is, you told, you gave it to your friend, Sean. Yea. You still haven't corrected him that it's not it. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, before we forget, let's give an update to everybody on your bicycle. And your bicycle woes, and the tweaker gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do want to hear him talk. I'm sorry, man. He's a tweaker, guys. Teeth are all jacked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He talks so much, and I had my kids in the house, I go, look dude, just take the bikes, I got my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he really, it led to somebody being arrested for arson. That's pretty nutty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so weird. Suck it, suck it dry. Don't be stingy. You got that beautiful mouth. You got that beautiful mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be stingy Mark. Of course. Don't be stingy. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's neat though is that when she's not in the car, I wonder what kind of attention he gets from the other toxic things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's like, I'm interested. I'm intrigued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love bumper stickers, it's like, easy going, predictable guy inside, marriage material, that's the one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boring. Good for me. Stable. Yep. Nice and easy guys. Easy listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I dig. Yeah, that's quite, I've never seen that before. Never seen it either. So that was neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, isn't that where we get the Yana? Or that's from Matlock? I can't remember which. I think it's Perry Mason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and so the original one, I mean, it's like the mystery of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't. But of course, Tom was like, I'm into it. And you loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're a married news team as well. Felicity and him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's look at it. Let's try and do one right now. Cause Wales is different than England Town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I, it's my new favorite, it's on, I forget where. Anyways, it's BBC, and it's rescue dogs, and then they match the rescue dog with the perfect family, and it's so sweet, cause it reminds me of how we got FIFA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they say, there's a moment when the dog looks in your eyes, and that's when you know they're yours. And that's exactly how I met FIFO. He put his paws on my chest when I met him the first time, and he looked deep into my eyes, and then I knew we were a match. And it's so true. And I just love watching dogs get matched with their family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like the trashy chav girls behind the front desk are like, that was like a perfect one, yeaah. And then like, have you ever seen a really big guy with a little small dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're an equal opportunity employer. We've got all kinds, if you know what I mean, disabled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is actual Welsh. I'm saying like- No-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This should be on the talk. Why is this person on a TikTok?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, oh yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, but it was just a ploy from Trumpy to get them to sell to the Americans. It was, it was a pushed, it was a pressure tactic to get the Chinese to sell it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a lot of people, by the way, DMing me and emailing me to check if I'm okay, emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I weren't okay, I wasn't okay, but I was prepared to use the VPN, is that what that is, to get around? I was prepared already, I had a contingency plan. ExpressVPN, you can log in anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Code your mom's house, a checkout. Yeah, I, uh, I was planning on doing it through VPN. I'm serious. Cause I can't give up my talks. It's become part of who I am. It's the fabric of my life. I live. I love it. I take a shit in the morning and I curate. That's my first round. And then at night I put the kids down. I do my second round.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot on your meow, that's a slingshot to the meow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but maybe she's got protection like a cup there or something. I don't know. I would do it with a cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a little off putting about this guy is that he's not as pure as a cool guy. The lighting's good. The angling is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's why. When something is that big and profitable,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't just disappear. Somebody's gonna figure out a way to make money off of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about my favorite subject, brushing our teeth. I love brushing my teeth. I also floss daily, but did you know that 75% of us use old worn out bristles that are effective, disgusting, and even more people forget to floss daily. Not us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we use Quip. Starting at just $25 a month, you can use Quip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes it easy by delivering all the oral care essentials you need to brush and floss better. Uh, the sonic toothbrush, the Quip electric toothbrush has sonic vibrations timed with 30 second pulses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best part. So here's the deal. And if you go to getquip.com slash mom right now, you'll get your first refill for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash mom spelled get q u i p dot com slash mom quip the good habits company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, as we slowly adjust to a new normal, we still need to be smart about how we do business. And luckily they're stamps.com to make things easier. Jean, how long have we used stamps.com?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's great discounts. You get, uh, like five cents off every stamp. And don't forget, now they have UPS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hated that too when they would try to explain things to you like, well see Tom, you have to balance the equation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not allowed to, you can only have a nocturnal dream. If you have a nocturnal emission, as they're called, that's okay, but you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always. And then there's like one hot male teacher, but he's married, so he's off limits. Right. And we, yeah, everyone obsessed about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they do. Blemix, Binge and Purge, they eat like a gallon of ice cream, a dozen donuts, and then they wrap it up and say skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather barf every day or have diarrhea all day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just do it with no- And by the way, people now know you. Like, hey, Tom Segura is taking a shit in first class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get up and everyone knows what you're doing, you're gone, and it doesn't bother you? It can't be a pee? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I'm on the plane and I'm like, I wonder what they're gonna do, a one or two, and I clock it and I'm like, oh, that guy's been in there for a long time. I'm not gonna go in until...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now there is a pose she is forgetting, and this is actually personal, uh, lay on your left side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now interesting choice to wear tight underwear and no pants during this. That could have gone really wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well wait a minute, I thought I was voting for, what I heard was anti-Semitic, good, and then, uh, Nazi stuff, good. I don't know. I thought he was- He seems like he's aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, is that, just when you think you know Tony Johns, he metamorphosizes and he changes, right? Don't, don't drink and drive, it's bad. Cut to, I have a DUI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, it's morning. It looks morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. They're just like squatters. But in California there's the brown recluse and the black widow. Brown recluse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather get bitten by a brown recluse or eat a wasp's nest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hurried me during lunch and I didn't, I didn't like it. He goes, you can eat it after. He told it to me like a gestapo. He didn't do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. Well, I time out my curations, like, my algorithm's so- my feed is pure. Yours, yours is pure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a young kid too, it makes me think of our children, our boys could do that. Thanks Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's the grossest part, is that it was during lunch? Cause like, like that's when crazy shit happened in high school, was during lunch time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's, like, if it was in, in ho- home, homeroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could have forgiven it more, like if it was just in a sterile classroom setting, but there was food involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To other girls, to, to girls, you know what I mean? Like I, cause that's so important that you learn that lesson of like, oh, that's where the boundary is. Girls don't want to see that stuff. And then you calibrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which would be like, shittin' and, uh, you know, poop piles and do whatever nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but I wonder if girls are just socialized to be this way. Do you know what I mean? Cause you guys are encouraged to be slobs and disgustos. We're socialized to be normal. You know, so maybe if I were raised more, I was raised a bit feral, which is why I'm open to poopy and fart humors and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but do you think gay guys dump in front of you? No, they're not like, you have to keep the mystery alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I do wish he would visit a dentist because the red gums and his teeth look so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enchiladas, enchiladas, cause look, there's beans with the enchiladas. Looks pretty good, not gonna lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's Friday and he's gonna drink and he's hanging out with his hillbilly friends. And I just thought it was nice that they have a club to belong to. I like that his eyes are going one, one eye goes this way, one eye goes that way. I like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I find unique about this one, is that he's on TikTok, but he asks the girls to go to Snapchat, which is another platform altogether, to message him. Like, why not just message you on the talk? Cause you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I wanted to show you that the Cure is the coolest. That's Robert Smith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight to that ass, remember Elf, that movie? Elf? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like those dates we saw where that- remember that show you were watching where that couple- Okay, you come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, because you'll notice his eyebrows are very thick, thick, thick, black, and then his eyes are also like so thinned. Do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a smile because he's put on that big, big phony baloney smile, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of how I feel about Kissing Booth and Kissing Booth 2 on Netflix, where it hurts to watch. It's so stupid, but you can't stop because something feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because our songs would be like, throw away, throw away, throw away the trash. Come on everybody, throw away the trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the Christmas Lodge? But what about the Christmas Lodge? We can't get into Christmas Lodge. Oh, is that? Is that Christmas Lodge?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, TikTok. How many likes to make me put my fucking hair out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, TikTok. How many likes to make me put my fucking hair out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're having a great day and I just want to let you know that my wife is the Christina P. You should check her out if you want to. Okay, have a great day. What is wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I'm looking for a new girlfriend. I don't have nobody right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm looking for a new girlfriend, so... I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, uh, will you tell me the speed limit out here my dear brother?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're a speeder, brother, and you better slow it down if you want to keep your job, okay? I'm a retired state CI double agent. You know what that is? Means I'm always on record, brother, and you were in the wrong, okay? The wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's monotone. Suck it dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright before you come, yeaah, I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and just suck on that and make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone. Turn over and I would play with your cheeks, maybe even massage your little hole and make you feel just the only man in my life. You're just it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, Mark, don't be stingy. Don't be stingy. I'm gonna put this in your mouth and you're gonna have to suck it dry. You're gonna just suck it dry, Mark. You got that beautiful mouth. Give it to me, Mark. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are terrific. I know you're gonna be good in bed. That's all I can say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, take it slow, remember? This dad's creepy. What'd I tell you about shoes in the house? Oh, creepy dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a dipshit. He's smoking his dandruff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Big news here, there's a new offer. Go to Saatva.com and get $225 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your purchase, go now, saatva.com slash y m h and get a new mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check it out. I am a diehard. I really am. I love this product. It is a wearable, uh, fitness tracker. Let's you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incredible things, insight into your body, the strain you're putting on it, how it affects your sleep, how stress does affect your sleep, and there's so many variables that come into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great thing to study your, you know, your HRV, uh, your resting heart rate, your sleep performance. And each day you can see how what you do has an effect on that. How the strain and stress of the day affects your sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the insight. I study it all the time. And now they're doing this monthly recap where it breaks down everything of the month. It's incredible if you like studying those numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so cool. For our listeners, whoop is offering 15% off with the code your mom at checkout. Go to whoop w h o o p dot com. Enter your mom at checkout and save 15% sleep better, recover faster and train smarter. Optimize your performance with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's outrageous. They replace any lost or broken sunglasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good, it makes a fast noise, it's a fast, it's a sexy design, it's good, it's so fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, first of all, you look lovely. Thank you. It's great to bring a new lady to work today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I met you in the bathroom of a club in Hollywood, and uh, we both were trying to do bumps, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I happen to have a stash, you were kind of craving it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You let me put it in and give you a little line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like Star is like the person who sent this to us to the mail box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. It's very nice. Thank you for sending the cum rag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, look, I feel like, uh, before we can even move on with the show, we should address, uh, the last week, you know, I really got upset with, uhm, Nadav and, and, you know, a couple things. Like, I really got upset, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, I talked to my therapist about it and I told him like, some of the things that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinking, and, uh, feeling, and he was like, wow, that's, you know, pretty scary to hear someone say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uhm, yeaah. Cause I had so many dark thoughts, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I kinda got into like that mind space of like how do I keep working, you know, with uh, with Nadav, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I got so mad at him, and then I was like, you know, thinking about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From, uh, cause we argued last week, you know, a lot, like it's been building and then, you know, I got really upset. Well, yeah, I mean like it's been building


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like getting upset with you. I feel like I've been short with you. And then I got, I feel like I got really angry with you last week. And so I told my therapist, you know, like how angry I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So, I'm sorry, it feels crazy to say it, but then he was like, uh, well, you know, maybe try to get it out somewhere other way, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hear it. Okay. So it's called Nadav.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it is. You did this. Look what you've done. You pushed and pushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will I drop it on your head? Can a knife puncture your side? I have a bat that would like to meet your face. You deserve it all. It's all for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your smile doesn't fool us, we watch. You flail in the deep water as you grasp for air, we cheer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kick and push. You fight to live so we push you under again. I tried to make it work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listened and I gave you chances, but you wanted something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fist is for you. This blade is for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tie you to a post. Watch the birds eat away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go up in flames. You suffer finally. I did it all for you. All for you, all for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For you upsetting me like that and making me feel that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, like he was saying, my therapist said that he commended me for, like, not acting on those thoughts and feelings, but writing them and sharing them, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. I do. And like, I never want to act on any of those thoughts, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're listening, this is a wedding reception and the first lady, they're doing that thing where everybody says something to the camera. You know, uh, we miss you or we love you so much. We wish you the best. And they basically pass the mic to a lady who starts to fucking have a breakdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. The wig really is on point, by the way. Do you love it? Yeah, my coke friend. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I was that guy? I could feel a whole new persona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I gotta say, this guy also really does know how to munch a box. Like it's not just, he's not just talking shit. He's not talking shit, but no. He also, he's like read book, like written books about cunnilingus. Cunnilingus. It's a whole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, when you go and you enjoy a meal, it's the appetizer, it's everything, it's not just one ingredient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dumb guys get talked into it, and they're like, oh yeaah. And then you're like, now look at me, look at me while we're doing it. Right? You feel that? And they go, I do feel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then now, make sure you stare me while you come, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy's like, I feel real weird about looking at you while I came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's normal, that's normal. A lot of people feel like that right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Uhm, oh yeaah. So uhm, we've been had, we've had so many great, uh, social media posts. People are just really killing it with, you know, memes, photoshops, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. So what is this? This is, uh, is there any order to it or just anywhere? No, you can just play it however. Uh, this is, uh, Squatch Ronson. Oh, huge person on. Yeah, he did some great photoshops. This is him with a Garth victim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a friend from the low place, a guy with his eyeballs ripped out. This is uh, what is it, Dan Coney? Uhm, oh yeaah. With pig, with his little caricature of pig, that looks great man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves it. Norm Somerton. I've been DMing with him quite a bit. Uhm, I told him that we had quite a oh boy moment when we watched him eat his poutine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got nice tits. She looks like it. She makes it dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Poutine was originally uploaded here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like a pretty tender beehole, like it's had a- Right. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta send me, you gotta send me the link to that. To Drew seeing it. I wanna watch Drew watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would I? No. Like it's not even curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the fans of this podcast would like to create a fund.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I get 20 million dollars to eat my own shit. Wow. I will do that. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I wasn't even, that sounds like a make-believe. I thought we were going to talk about like in the thousands. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you already went there though, I feel like, you know what I mean? Like now I can't go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, would you, is there no sum you would do that for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already know Josh would say yes, you don't have to ask him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it feels like it. It's just so upsetting. I know, but it's so upsetting that now I feel like I gotta fight with Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys will take 20 million dollars. I would beat you to death if, if the money was in front of you and you're like, can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, can't fit in a briefcase, by the way. Two briefcases? No. No, no, it would take quite a, quite a few duffel bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throw some condiments on it? Why you can't throw some relish or some mustard on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would go and then, but he had to stay on top of it. And at that hour, he would have to make a change in the account, right? So he was like, it would, it wouldn't read it as a debt if he would like, if he would transfer money. So he would transfer from like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you couldn't get me to do this now saying, but at that same age, if you gave me like, hey, go to the ATM and you can get away with this, I think I could have been talked into it easily. Easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, well, I think I would have done what he did though. Cause what he did was he was ready to roll and he was doing it and felt fine. And then eventually you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, I've taken this much at this point. Like it's going to catch up to me. So maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, he's saying, well, if the statute of limitations expires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, at this point, I mean, I'm sure he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of the Seeker, here's a couple other social media things before we get into it here. Oh god. Oh yeaah, here's the, uhm, this is, uh, what is this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is from our... Nadav, uhm, would eat his mom out to save the world. Yes, I saw that one. Tongue punch your mom's carnival. Hard to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Christina looking for Valor looking through the window. And then Mr. Clavicles always does great shit. Look at this. He does me as pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fits really well, actually. Yes. I gotta say, the body's not that far off. I just need to get one of your wigs. I could actually do this. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So speaking of Valor, uhm, I got some emails here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From some of our listeners here, let's see. Mr. Segura, it's not stolen Valor. Valor, you are indeed fucking crazy. Thank you. Best regards, former Sergeant Carlos Kass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's see the evidence that you even serve. Alright, uh, next email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a case could exist. Hypothetically, if Tom were one of these such cases then it would make sense if he had developed a complex around his looking ability.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My only advice to him would be, get the chip off your shoulder. No one really cares. And if you're lucky, you'll be stoned next time you have to look for something. Hope this helps. Sam MD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam Fake Doctor, thank you. Geez. Next email, Dear Valor Thief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me make, let me start by saying I'm an active duty navy of nine years. Stolen valor is a real problem and set me off super fast. Tom, I'm sorry man, you might be a little crazy. I'm a huge fan all over your stuff, my friends and I quote you and Bert all the time and thanks for all the laughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all, I haven't prepped this. This was prepped by our great producing staff here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's from Derek. My brother is an actual Navy SEAL that served in Mosul, liberating the city from ISIS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, the only thing worse than the enemy is stolen valor, which Christina P is certainly guilty of for taking credit for finding the mailbox key. The worst people in the world, according to my Navy SEAL brother, are Isis, Al Qaeda, and Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly cannot say I'm surprised that the eastern blocker of a wife that you have took credit for finding the mail key. Eastern blockers are world renowned for their thievery. They're like the Somali pirates of Europe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These eastern blockers taught and advised the Chinese on how to steal Tibet and the Viet Cong on how to steal South Vietnam. The diabolical KGB mines are custom built for unjustly taking credit for things like being the water champion, TikTok champion, and now finder of mail key.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, also from Steven, I, a 10th Mountain Division veteran and former infantryman can attest to the valor stolen by the main mummy, the supposed water champ, and the woman who is not ride or die, Krystal Hoplowski. I remember seeing Catherine Patchouli and Brian Williams, the reporter, eating lunch with one another in Afghanistan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In an attempt to make him feel like he can't find something as simple as a key. Listen here, Chriswanda. I want you to know that Tim can't find the key because he's too busy finding our hearts. This is a classic case of egomania and denial but mainly stolen valor perpetuated by Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can, you know, you can take sides if you go, we did make the shirts the people wanted, there's team Christina and there's team Tom, she is the seeker, I am the truth seeker, uhm, we're both claiming that we should be finding, have given credit for finding the key, uhm, but I wanted to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. By the way, you know what hasn't come out in a long time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember my original, my idea, uhm, for the fart mic and how it was a thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I let you know, like, that's your fart mic. So whenever you have one, you just unmute it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you clearly go, what a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys can see what's going on. You're not stupid. Okay? You saw what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like fucking, at least 40 pounds heavier in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's amazing. It is incredible actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The flip of it is that I actually adore you. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe because, I don't know, I'm around you and I was like, oh I really like her and then I'm around you and you're like, I don't really like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this is a huge day here, uh, because we are going to take down


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh Potter's Hairy Shoulders on this podcast. Support for this hair excavation is brought to you by Manscaped. Manscaped's new Lawn Mower 3.0 is our tool of choice when we need the best men's grooming tools on the market and you can trim hair anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, check out this awesome feature. The LED light illuminates grooming areas for a closer, more precise trim. Third generation trimmer features a cutting edge ceramic blade to prevent manscaping accidents, millions of balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also the battery will last up to 90 minutes so we can turn Josh into a hairless cat and we should post some nude photos of him after we're done, uh, shaving all the hair off of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use Manscaped. Trim that tough body hair of yours. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code MOM20 at manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code MOM20 at manscaped.com. That's 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when this used to happen College was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is awesome. Now when we play it for him, you gotta cover up that lower third. Can you do that? Yeah, yeah, we could punch it. Okay, cool. Let's see where this goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this guy looks like he's actually hurting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, this is great. Definitely. He's a legend in the fraternity world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a much better looking Ori, but yea. No, but I mean, it feels like they may have, you know? Uhm, what is this here? Oh yea, that's gross. Who is this person harassing the cops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not a brag, if like, if someone's asking you what you studied, you'd be like, I got this, I got a minor in French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think it's, I don't think it's a brag. I don't think it should be what he did was a brag. I think he's just like sharing, like he wasn't trying to volunteer it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knew, he knew how to walk right into that. What's your bar number? I don't know that you fucking douche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These poor people, this has gotta be what, like, the frustration they feel from this interaction will be taken out on somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they're just like, god damn it. Cause this lady's such an asshole, and then they're gonna give it to somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not meth. No, that's a bannock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but a department store. It was Saks. And then G Crew came after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Bar Louie, I saw that. Uh, movie theaters. Oh my god. Movie theaters are so fucked. You know, I don't know if, even the biggest one is like, I think AMC, I think they're shutting most of that down. Gold's Gym filed for bankruptcy. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, there's so many places that are- Yea, J.Crew was the first American- Can I see that? First American retail domino to fall, okay, amid the pandemic. Wow, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, under fire after class action lawsuit filed for sex trafficking. Against Peter Nygaard. Well, I know that innocence will prevail, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that. He's gotten a lot of shit, Branson, because he's been filing for bailouts, and everyone's like, why don't you continue to pay out of your pocket for some of this shit. I know, such a scumbag. Billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. It's incredible though. This has really affected a lot, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, good, they're done. They're done. Sick of your clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pepsi, I wish they would go under. They're too big to fail, but I really wish they would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just, you just gotta be a piece of shit. If like, if you opt for Pepsi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we gotta have a thing from now on that if we're considering hiring anybody here, they vote on that. Right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, but tell me, come on, you were a little kid, you liked Pepsi more, right? Yea. And then when did you go to Coke? When you learned to read? When did you switch over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have a meeting after this about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna, like I wanna one on one with Chris after this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so he can't have it. Yeah, no, no, you can't take them home. Pour it out and throw them away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, isn't J.Crew and The Gap, aren't they owned by the same? Yea, and Banana Republic. So how are they not listed? Is it just, you know what I mean, are The Gap, Banana Republic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even have hard feelings against Mortons for taking their money back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How could you laugh at that? I don't know, she had bugs coming out of her puss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is absolute trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please. Gross. Are they still a viable company? Can you look up Duncan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is, who's their parent company? Do they have like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. I wonder if there's some way we could uhm, you know, set up like a protest or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like maybe release some news about them, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those are really gross. Cause she's extraordinarily gross. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, did you see her Britney Spears gym thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's been so strange for like the last year where it feels like such a notable shift. You know, in the way she talks and all the posts are just strange, man. I don't know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she works out. I mean, good, look, I think she's very talented, great person, but it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I think it's probably good to get it out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been really doing a lot of neighbors fighting lately. And, uh, this, this neighbor gets into a real, I think the setup for this, cause I just saw the first clip of it. I think the, whatever happened before is missing, but it seems like the movers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a really cool haircut and she's got a really, really cool non-existent bra. Is there a bra even on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the first clip of it, he's a mover, he's wearing that back support thing, he's clearly unloading the truck and she's like, get your fucking truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish there was more footage after this. Like I wanna see where this really ends up, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. This, this actually gave me anxiety. Like how, how upset she is. I mean, I've felt this like towards you, but it's just like, whew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, man. That's a rough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what do you feel, by the way, how do you feel about Nick Cage being, uh, he's, he accepted the role of Joe Exotic. They're gonna do a scripted series, uh, for Tiger King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it is like, when you, yeah, when you think of him, him by watching that doc and then playing the character is gonna be amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like gonna make him... You remember when, uh, John Travolta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did pulp fiction, everyone's like, yeah, like Travolta and then the, the, the role was just in the movie is amazing. If it's well done as a movie or a series, Nick Cage could get like such a bump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 8 episode. Oh, it is 8 episode. Okay, so it is a, yea. It's for CBS, imagine television. The option, the article on Dan Ligana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's also interesting to make it a series, like a scripted series after watching a script, like we saw a docuseries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, congratulations. Yes. It's super exciting, man. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I think that's super cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wanna see, I wanna see him, uh, rope in these guys who are all straight. You're not that straight, like that shit. If you like little dicks, big dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, well you ain't that straight. Yeaah. And then the guy's like, I guess you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you got him. As soon as he says that and they're like, I never thought of it. He's like, yeah, come over here real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then the guy's like, I just checked off, and probably another guy's like, ah, a lot of guys do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you leave that person's company and everyone goes, what the fuck? And you're like, I just, I thought I was doing the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but I mean... Carol Baskin. She could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She isn't totally nuts. What's that, what does it say right there with the Netflix in the background to the left there? Yea, what's that say? Is that old? It looks like she got cast in something. The star in upcoming, what is it from? At Bucks County Playhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, I'm trying to think of the rest of them. I would like to see Brendan Schaub play Travis. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, oh right, who's gonna play...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing, uh, Bagavan. Uh, John Finley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, you probably want the guy to kinda look like Jeff Lowe. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who looks like that? Who kinda looks like that? Gosh. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could be Jeff Lowe. Come on, dude. Jesus Christ, that was a really good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's like so jacked, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's 50? Damn. That dude's 50. Jesus Christ, man. How's his heart still beating? I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that is John Finley. He's gotta knock a few of his teeth out and then he's fuckin' done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I am a garbage person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. You really, really are fucking on it today. The casting queen. Yea, the casting queen. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, the shoving, the, uh, like which way do you want to go? Go over here, idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like doing it, and then, like as we round a corner, with always a little bit of hope, like did somebody hear it? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's uhm, I don't know. I put on the glove I'm gonna touch something, but not for a walk around the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well you know what? Why don't we stop down here for a moment and uh, we'll be back in just a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Tushy. Everyone has an ass. Everyone deserves the gift of Tushy. It's 2020 and ass is on the menu. I wish mine was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most important relationship you have is between you and your ass. Break up with your toilet paper. Treat your butt right with tushy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tushy is in high demand right now. Order today. I could not say more great things about a product than I could say about Tushy. Tushy sprays directly to your ass and removes the poop completely. So you aren't sitting on bacteria that leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids and yeast infections. Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The days are common in a lot of the world, and for some reason we've been really behind on this type of product in the United States. It's time to get on board. I'm telling you, you feel like a monster once you're not using this after you've started. It is a game changer. It's a life changer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing is amazing. You just launch a fire hose into your ass after you've taken a dump. Here's the best part. You're thinking, what is this? If you grand, it's $79 only $79.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's all you gotta do. Go to hellotushy.com. H-E-L-L-O-T-U-S-H-Y.com slash your mom and you get 10% off your order. Hellotushy.com slash your mom. Get 10% off your order. It's time to get that crap out of your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back, uh, joining us, uh, one of our favorites, hilarious comedian, good friend,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we're discovering a fetishist who's, uh, leaning into a new lane. It's Josh Potter's back on the map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where that little plug goes it looks like. This has a little plug. Oh really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the little piece that was in there? This, I don't know. Could that possibly go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it went on the inside, inside the cup though? It doesn't, it can't possibly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you Pig will write in and give us some tips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the thing is, you have to create that suction, and then you let the tit cup stay on like Norm did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too. So do we, is there a way we could get a higher tech version? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every hour that you keep it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it uhm, carrying you through COVID? It is actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, I, I really do think that Titcups could expand what you offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I mean you could do tit-centric videos, you know what I mean? Right. Then you could switch it up, somebody goes, I, you know, I'm not so into- Everyone likes tits. Everyone likes it. Some people might not be into shoulder hair, and then you go, oh, here's some tits. There's some tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know man. We gotta, we gotta, we gotta explore our options here because I really want you to grow some nice tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, one of the things, so I caught some heat, a lot of smoke from the wrestling fans. Yeah. Of which you are one. And uhm, I know, look good, hardcore. I realized in all the, uhm, hatred that came my way for my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'll say, it was before I went to therapy that week. I lost my temper on a lot of issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, you know, I was telling my therapist that, uh, you know, I really expressed a lot of disdain, uh, towards this community and that maybe they didn't deserve it. But uhm, one of the things I realized in that story, cause I was talking about a lot of things, was that I don't think I've ever shared with you my Ric Flair story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you really excited? Yeah. I never told you this story. Wait, you met him or something? Well, it's even better than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but well, maybe. So when I was nine, we left Cincinnati and we moved to Minneapolis. And we lived there for another two and a half years. So I went to fourth grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 5th grade and 6th grade in Minneapolis. And it's also the first place I ever played football. Peewee football. So when I was a, you know, kid, that was like my obsession and my dad


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was happy to oblige when I was like, I want to play football. We moved to this new city and I joined a Pee Wee football team in a suburb of Minneapolis called Plymouth. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I basically had my, I guess ultimately it was like three groups of friends in there. It was like neighborhood kids, kids from school, and kids from peewee football. And one of the people I played, uh, peewee football with was David Flair. So one day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were at, uh, one of our Pee Wee games and somebody goes, uh, oh hey, Ric Flair's here. I'm like, Ric Flair's here? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we look and there's a white limousine at a pee-wee football game. That's what's up. And uh, and there's a dude in a full length mink coat. Hell yea. Oh my god, really? Yea, and like, uh, bright blonde hair. And we're like, that's Ric Flair? And they're like, yea, that's David's dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we're friends and that I've not, like, I've known


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But didn't he, didn't you tell me, cause I don't, I really don't know, but I mean, I, you know, I have a general understanding of how that world works. Didn't you tell me he was doing it all through the 50s and 60s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like when people talk about wrestling, they, they could be talking about musical theater to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's, what I'm trying to think, I'm adding a NASCAR to it, cause you also are a NASCAR guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so he's not in it for you, let's say. Okay, yeah, yeah. No, but which, these are things you actually like. Right. Which do you like more, wrestling or NASCAR?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that it's so good. It's so well done that it can make somebody a fan of the sport who has never ever ever dreamt of watching that sport before. That's how good that series is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, I mean, I just cannot get over that Netflix series, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's, it really blows my mind. And also I watch these videos of car enthusiasts who got to drive like a toned down, a detuned Formula One car and they're like, this is like impossible to drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather watch a musical like that or get stung by four murder hornets which have now invaded the United States?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're supposed to be one of the most excruciating stings. Or I watch cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Okay, enormous curve stingers with powerful venom. I do not like pain. They are uniquely dangerous. Will I get high from it? You might die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you hallucinate? I don't know. I know that I saw a video of a guy voluntarily getting stung by one. What? Yeah, it's on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, how are you coping now with quarantine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this? How about this? You are one of these guys in this situation. Would you participate in this to do stand up again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I wouldn't do. Why are you letting Bert fuck you for stage time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just think it would be like, you'd be like, you know, this is like, you really part, you party a bunch. I would, but I wouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For iTunes, if I want the song to go from the phone to the speakers, can you tell me how to connect them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she actually, she keeps asking you some irrational things like, can Alexa get the mail? And you're like, what? You have to entertain everybody. You can't scream at her. You gotta be like, no, Alexa can't get the mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, she comes on the road with you, but she doesn't travel with you. Okay. But she stays in the neighboring hotel rooms. You guys are always- Adjoining. And she always goes, let's do like code knocks. So you guys, wait, wait. You don't have to like take her to dinner and everything. Okay. But, once a day you hear her masturbate through the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where? Yeah, exactly. Uhm, so wait a minute. Uhm, until we get to the point where you can hopefully eat some shit or get fucked so that quarantine ends. Yeah. Uhm, you're doing your sex work. Can you, let's remind the audience where they can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But get those cameos, man, and now you got tic cups and, you know. Yeaah. We could be somewhere special soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, I'm a big fan of your sex work and I hope that uhm, that it keeps popping during this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can retire. Uhm, thanks for stopping in Josh. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great to revisit there with, uh, Josh, and, uh, I love the scenario of him living and traveling with his mother. I think that'd be a really fun reality show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love their mommy right now. I know they do. I think about it that like, oh, whatever, see the boys and they'll be men. I'm like, hey guys, and they'll be like, oh jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dad, that was great. No, it was fun to watch you say bikes again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, exactly. For us, that is. Uhm, alright, so before we go we have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they're kinda cute, but what's up with the long nails?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who does, why is that ever a thing? It's so disgusting. Sometimes you are, you're out and you look down and you're like, the fuck, you have a long, and they're, they're done to be long. Like, they told the, the nail tech, well just make sure they're real long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then those look like they would just catch on to everything. You know what I mean? Like if she put a sock on it would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know? But she was like, hey, paint them and like, edge them out, but keep them real long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also feel like with the length of the nail that the underside would just be just always collecting dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know that that's, I always thought it would be just like cute feet, cute nails. Like the nails are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, alright, look, I don't wanna bully somebody, but I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, is this, is this like these, you know, I don't shave my armpits, I don't shave my legs, and if you don't like, okay. But I mean, would it be that nuts for her to address her absolutely insane eyebrows? I mean, would it really be, is it that much of a burden?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, wouldn't that make her life just way easier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a 60 year old cab driver's eyebrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, why you guys keep pointing it out? Cause they look insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why, and the same reason people are now gonna start saying, why are your toenails so long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, her eyebrow hairs are gone and there's tattoos above her eyes. What looks like, it looks like there's dolphins dive, like doing flips in the ocean. And also does she have the insertions? Like, you know, when people insert meat or something, they look like they're protruding really much more than they would in a natural way, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Can you see what the tattoo is of? I can't tell. Like, can you look at it closely?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's loud, you can't really hear what's going on, and there's a fucking huge infection on a hor- in a hoarder's van. Can I please skip this one? I'm fucking gonna be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christ, I'm gonna puke for a whole other reason on this one. This guy, I actually dislike him more than all the videos. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the voice effect. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should, we should send him Tripoli's info. On the, on his little vaccine, go and just go figure it out. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've shit my pants, I've pissed my pants, I've had diarrhea in my pants. There's nothing else to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude. Jesus Christ, that face. If you're listening, you gotta look this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, his, uh, TikTok handle is facetatlife, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. This is it, we're closing on this, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what it's called? Oh, there it is. It's right there. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She puts the brush in through the front of her face in a manufactured hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for your work. By the way, I do love your wig. It's beautiful. Thank you. You look great. Uhm, our closing song is DJ TikTok. Uhm, it's called DJ TikTok Tis, Pigs, Balls and Cocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, thank you guys for listening. I'm glad we made up, Nadav. Uhm, I appreciate your apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just sitting around one day in my bathroom and I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was like prepping for a femdom scene. So like, I usually- Femdom is when they're like, you know, super hot chicks like tie you up and just like eat the shit out of you and slap your balls and fuck you with a strap on and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Primarily. I've done, uh, I've done some straight, I've done, uh, fem don, uh, and gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you gotta have really stretchy balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was, well both, both yeaah. I was, I would say blessed first and then I just kind of like perfected the art of the hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, well, I think over the, like, my experience in porn, like, they've been tugged a lot, so I think that's kinda helped it. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, they're not as sensitive. I feel like it's, uh, I feel like your balls are kind of like, like hot sauce. You kind of build up a tolerance. Wow. And, uh, yeah, like I grew up doing crazy, stupid shit with my brothers all childhood, getting kicked in the nuts. Wow. To weasel taps and shit, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weasel tap is a dick tap, dick tip. You aim for the tip, you know? Yea, you aim for the tip, yea. And generally, it's like, you can't really, you know, you hit one or the other, really. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, I kinda like edge myself a little bit, and I like to like, I'm edging, I like to pull on my balls anyways, so I'm like naturally doing that, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was just doing that and I was pulling him back and just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I was like, wow, what if I applied a little bit of pressure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing is it always has to be the right testicle first and then the left after. I don't know why. Why is that? I think it's because my right just doesn't hang as low as the left. It's just a little bit. It's longer. Yeaah, the left is longer. And that's always one that got fucking hit when I was younger, you know. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, uhm, it's actually, the only times I've really done it on camera, like in scenes where it's just been really spur of the moment. Okay. Where I'm just like, look what I can do, you know, offset, and they're like, no way, let's throw that in there, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I, you know, surprisingly enough, I didn't really get too excited about it. Uhm, I was just, I don't know. Well, I just kind of thought everybody was like, people have done that before. But then when I found out, it's like, nobody's really done that before. I'm like, well, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, that's exactly what it is, the sensation of just polling. Like, people would think that it's like, something pummeling into them, and it's like, they kind of just like, sit under, like, under.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's actually like, yea, you get like some really queeny, queeny people that are very needy. Oh, very needy. Uhm, and it's just like where it becomes like, the work itself becomes like something that's recreational instead of professional. And like most of us treat it like a business where there's some that are there just to hook up and you're just like, woah, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Queenie stuff is just like, uhm, it's more like needy being really needy. I know a lot of actors are like this with, uh, you know, like needing certain things, they're very particular, they, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shock value, you want to pull people's attention, initially, any video, like any little video that I want to do, I want to pull people's attention so they stay there, and then I shock the fuck out of them. Yep, and it's smart too that it starts


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and there's always like two cycles. There's an initial one that's just sitting in the bottom, comes out pretty quickly, and then there's the deeper one that you really want to make sure that you get. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, instant. Like yea, it was like earlier in the day on New Years and then it was just like, it went everywhere and everybody was getting it. Everybody in the industry, my brother, there's just a car salesman just like, bro, I just got this shit, this guy's fucking blowing his balls out of his ass. I'm like, sorry man, that wasn't me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you wanna, you wanna push them to the side and just kinda like do a, you know, just. Put them in there. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Tuck it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was the very first one. The running. The running butthole challenge, like, it kinda took off. I mean, it was like 20, it was like, started trending and then it started, like, multiple, like, multiple of them, like, started going viral and then it was just this huge, like, 20 million people in like two days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, it was crazy. Wow. I think I got like 180 performers to do it. Holy shit. I gotta tell you, Pierce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how we make it work


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You take it to the next level, you know how to do it. What kind of cup is that? Is it plastic or glass? Actually, that is glass, but it's very thick. It was very thick. I always do my due diligence before I do these crazy stunts. How do you do that though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, I just, well, it's thick, so I assume, like. Okay, have you seen, like, one guy, one jar? Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's what it makes me think of. You know how many people commented that in the comments? Well, yeah, because they were like, oh my god. The first time we saw that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was actually a plastic champagne glass that I had cut the end off and then sanded the bottom just to get that perfect shape in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the fact that the ramp itself is kind of thin plastic, so when his weight gets on it, it sinks a little, so therefore we cannot, like, we can't accurately, perfectly gauge exactly where it's gonna go. So it took a little bit, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also did this one called, uhm, anal archery, which I took this, uh, I got a kid's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bone arrow, and it had a little target, so I cut a hole out, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Uhm, it's better having my balls in my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because, you know, having it in there, you can hands-free pull on your own balls with your asshole. So all I have to do is squeeze my ass, and I'm pulling on my own balls. It's quite nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think once or twice, yea. Wow. Is that an amazing feeling or no? Yea, yea, it's totally different. I mean, you gotta switch it up here and there. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you kind of just, you know, spread it as far as you can and just try to get the meatiness of the asshole because the hair surrounds it. You just kind of like tell them to pucker a little bit, push it out, and then you have more, more, uhm, surface area to work with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's more like, it's more like just the personality and connection with the person on set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it depends, probably, I don't know, I don't, I don't wanna say have a specific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually a lot of new, like once you get, like once you become like an A-list name, then they're just kinda like, then they put you with all new people, because your name sells, and they want, also the studios are trying to, you know, get the next new name, so they pair the new guys with the A-list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's the same. I try. I try my best. You do? Sometimes, most of the time I'm just, fuck it. But like, yea. And then they get a couple drops on set and the director looks at me like, you jacked off yesterday. I'm like yea. Oh wow, and he can tell. He can tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I've won, like, multiple Perform of the Year awards, and uhm, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the nice thing, they probably don't recognize my face, they recognize more my ass. Yeah. If anything, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He reminds me of the Tiger King. I'm pretty sure if Tiger King was out of prison, he would probably have an OnlyFans. You're 100% right. It would be pretty awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and it's trending right now, like it's crazy, like you hardly have to do anything and it's just like people are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yea, if his shit went viral like that, then he's probably making good money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just love Robert, sorry. He's great. His charisma is just through the roof. Right? That's what I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I exaggerated, actually my exaggeration is actually pretty much the same, uhm, on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, as it is, it's definitely a lot more pleasurable and stuff off the camera, but uhm, basically I do the same thing, make the same noises. It's a little amplified, a little exaggerated, but basically, I still make that funny come face from like, I still do that on camera, I just can't help it. Are you vocal with it? Yeah, well actually, kind of, when I try, I try to be, because it's more like holding my breath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walmart and some other stores are wanting you to wear a mask in their store. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four months or so into the thing. Yea. They didn't require it when they should've. Phew, look at those gums. I was born in the U.S. I have rights and freedoms and I just not shop your store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're gonna tell me that I need to wear a mask, even if I'm not sick, I think that is pushing it. Cause what's gonna go from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I could talk this guy for a good hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have lost my pocket knife, I was trying to, I got cut, I think cut part of my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come around the corner, and what am I supposed to do? I mean, my dick's all backed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's like, I just did a fucking gangbang, so there's a lot to come. Jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there chumos? It's another episode of your mom's house podcast. I'm here with the always lovely and a little behind this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, uhm, Jesus Trejo's first WeFeed show, Tacos con todo, last night, and then this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, uh, quesadillas, taco, and it was all like, because it was for the show they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, you have like, gut pain when you, you know what I mean? I had like, in my lower guts, I was like, ah, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you want to sop it up. Is that what it is? I think it is. I think your mind goes, well, put something that's going to soak up the, you know, I mean, you don't want to put greasy stuff in your stomach. You want the opposite. So you want breads and starchy things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just ran the cycle on that washlet over and over. Just, just nice warm stream cleaning me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a fucking peasant? No? Of course not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she does. She's just a pretty lady just doing her thing and our, our the late Conald E. Peterson is kind of a little out of line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so Christina's kinda right. Boom! Boom!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was I gonna tell you? Uhm, oh yeaah, the rest of this. Sorry, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like a twang. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is exciting. Before we, uh, go further, uh, real quick, thanks for supporting the new Run NRE shirt, the Sakusufle shirt and the Sakusufle hoodie. Uh, really appreciate your guys' support with that. They're all in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get them at MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura and uh, really appreciate it. I mean the NRE, just so you know, we did it for our poly friends. Uhm, a lot of people in our community feel, you know, maybe marginalized, kind of left out, uhm, and they don't have, you know, something that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes them feel comfortable, so that's why we made the run an RE shirt so that people who thrive in new relationship energy have something that they can put on with pride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I could fall in love with your best friend if you set it up, make it happen, and then let everybody be in awe, you know? You're like, Christina, did you just best friend just kiss Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another exciting thing, really exciting thing, is that one of my dreams came true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they hit us up, and here's the thing, the video is out now. It is completely enmeshed with your mom's house. I mean, it's like the theme of the video. Did you get to see the video? Both of you guys saw it? You saw it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'll be able to die being like, yeah, I'm in a, I'm in a music video with inspected deck from the Wu tank. I mean, that's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they definitely shout out to Czarface, Esoteric7 now, Inspecta Deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys totally made it happen. It was really fun. We did it right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They shot some at the live show, but I would say the majority of that video is shot here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can look at it. You can look at it right now. You type in, it's our face, Bizarro. It's on YouTube. Uhm, hey, let me ask you this. What's the director's name? Do you remember? Mike. Mike. Mike. Uh, Mike Pecci. Mike Pecci. That's Pecci. Yup. Uhm, he did a great job directing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was a total thrill for them. Like when, at first, uh, when, uh, Seamus hit me up about it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, will you do a cameo? Like just a pop, I figured it would be like, just kind of pop your head in thing, you know, for the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like as DJ Dadmouth and I was like, yeah, sure. Then I was like, I don't have any of that gear anymore. So then they hit us up with the treatment for the video and it's like, yeah, it's really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's, he's other level. Most, most rappers are like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The truth is that like most are bullshit. Even super famous ones, they're just kind of, they're not, they don't have the skill set. They'll learn how to deliver lines and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The skill level of writing the lyrics, for a lot of people it's like a 4 or 5. He's like a 10, seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just funny that you were, uh, you were walking around the house, be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you actually read and figure out that, right, you dial it in the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big Daddy Kane put him on, like back in the day when he was just in the neighborhood, he put him on, uh, I forget one of those songs, and they're in a video together, and this is way before Jay-Z blows up. And yeaah, he was like, definitely, uhm, you know, heavily influenced by his style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not having it, and was like, nah man, we're not doing that. So then Chuck D was like, no, it's Public Enemy Radio, which is, you know, legally, he's allowed, if he performs as that, Public Enemy Radio doesn't have Flav as a member.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, he doesn't need like to, you know, you can bill it as public enemy radio and technically Flav's not involved, but then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slave was still pushing back trying to get like lawyers involved and was like, you know, and then Chuck D said, uh, he goes, he said slave wouldn't know the difference between Barry Sanders and Bernie Sanders. So he's like, he doesn't know what the fuck's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, and then, I mean, he just kicked, he said he's kicked out of it. He's out of the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Superpower, these big groups will sometimes be, there's one person who really owns the name and the rights, you know what I mean? Like Bon Jovi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing though, is like, like, uh, Bon Jovi pays, puts them on a salary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like that, Ronnie Wood doesn't get, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could probably, I mean there's, I'm sure there's... Let's see how much these fools make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't, so that means we gotta submit some new photos. Oh, I don't know about that. Why not? You wanna up your rating or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well can I mask? Can I throw the mask on? Cause that's a big difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like a luchador, like a, like a wrestling mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always turning around. I feel like that is, um, uh, a good mask. I mean, here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're broke as shit, okay? That's the scenario we're discussing. You're broke as shit. It's a struggle to pay the bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do straight up just on camera, hey I'm doing porn now? I mean I think no, I think you probably want to dip your toe so to speak in and uhm, and then what kind of money are we talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like can they come back to haunt me? Well, kind of, yea, because somebody can just rip it and post it, yea. So you were about to do gang bangs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know, you just said, can it come back to haunt me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but you try to keep getting it bigger. You just go for it, you know. Stretch it out. Try it out. You don't want to try?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I wouldn't do asshole gaping, but I think I would do the masturbating ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, these guys do. These guys do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, walk me through here, cause this is all a big surprise to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take, take me through, uh, the leap that you went to from, uh, kind of like, I don't know if I would even appear on camera to, to the gangbang scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It never occurred to you to just have a masked, uh, one-off kind of sex? Why, uh, why so many people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, how much money could you make? It's up to you. Are you willing to keep making content or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I have a, oh it's just, you know, really cool. How much money do you think you're going to make doing this again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let me ask you this. You put yourself in the same scenario. It's your roughest time. Brokest year. The brokest you've ever been. Would you do anything sexual on camera? Knowing that a windfall of cash is at the end of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right now you would, you would go shoot a sex scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, you have uhm, I just want to be clear about this. You would be like, yeah, it's just me getting blown and having sex on camera. You don't care who sees it? No, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, we have an actual sex worker on staff, so why don't we shift it to, uh, Jock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Would you, would you shoot a regular sex scene on camera?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, if we set this up for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all, I'm going to tell you I have no reservations about seeing it because I'm going to direct it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a long one. We need to get going on this project. Uhm, just make note that I would like, uh, to start contacting some talent agencies and, uhm, some locations, you know, so we have some options of where to shoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll get my agency on it actually. I'll see who we have on our roster. Speaking of uh, sex work and what not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend, or a week ago, you and I were in Las Vegas, and it was really fun. Everyone that came to the Mirage shows was a blast, and we got to go to the UFC fights with Rogan, and it was a great time. But you also got to see somebody who had purchased a cameo from you before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shoulder hair is no joke. When we shoot our scene, I actually, you know, normally I would tell most of my talent to go ahead and get clean shaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also think I'm gonna laugh so hard when I'm like, okay, go ahead and eat his ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be like, it's part of it, shhh. And then she'll be like, are you laughing at me? I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I'm thinking. You just created a genre. You just will hear me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I'm thinking. Super hot chick. Sounds good. You get to pick her from casting. You guys have a great scene. You're gonna get blown and you're gonna have sex with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's gonna be a lot of fun. And then there's a part two. Hold on. Then she leaves. She goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's work out the details. I'll have my manager at ATL call you. I really want to shoot this. Okay. If you're open. Yeah. If you're open to it. Alright. I think the fans are gonna go nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not all gonna find out from one scene. If he makes it a career, they'll find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know who's always gonna have a special place in my heart? Mmm. Steven Seagal. Always. Luckily for all of us, he's back at the news this week. Great. He, uhm, is teaching, uh, people at a school how to, how to fight against a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fucking school shooter? He's training teachers and everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Him and, uh, Mr. Goll are buddies. Is this old or new?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause I think he doesn't like Seagal live abroad now, and he was, he just had, uh, warrants served on him, uh, by the security exchange commission. The SEC just set, made an announcement this week about Seagal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two fines, it's not the first time that martial action star was in the news for a legal scandal. Hmm. Okay. I don't know exactly, does it say what he did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's see. Regina Simmons said Seagal raped her. She was 18 on the set of The Undeadly Ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another lady there said she, these are all in the article, she groped them, but, the SEC chart, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so that's what. He used his social media to encourage fans to invest in Bitcoin's 2Gen IPO in return for 250,000 cash and 750,000 in Bitcoin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's very cool. Uhm, oh, real quick also, we gotta mention that you, the, the calls, you guys are doing live calls on Dr. Drew's show, Dr. Drew After Dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's so cool. I did, I got to do calls with him on the episode I sat in on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fun to talk to you guys, and you even did the live calls. Didn't you do them on Where My Mom's At too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And real quick, one last mention that, uhm, channel memberships are now active. They're up, they're ready to go. Uh, if you want to sign up for channel memberships, you get ad-free episodes of Your Mom's House. Is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is that? Usually you can't walk out of the cell phone store into a cemetery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharp. Yeah, that's probably why it's getting everywhere. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, this is all great. Uhm, let's run through these dates real quick. Uhm, I will be at Harrah's Valley Center California Harrah's Resort on April 18th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spanish shows the week after the 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd in Texas. Uhm, and then I go, oh, uh, 28th, The Wiltern with Bert Kreischer, we're doing Two Bears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One cave live. I go back to the Mirage in Las Vegas to 29th and 30th of May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And October back to the Mirage. I'm also announcing a bunch of new dates coming up soon. Don't forget my new special, Ball Hog, premieres March


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 24th on Netflix. Uh, Jean, do you want to go for it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine, let me ask you a question. When was the last time you shaved your balls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I gotta reach down there myself and double check your work. Uh, luckily for you and I, we have the great people at Manscape and they have designed the much anticipated Perfect Package 3.0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2.0 was around for a minute and it was pretty good, but it could get better and it has gotten better. Mascape is the only men's brand dedicated to below the waist grooming and hygiene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I have been using, uh, tweezers, scissors, fingernail clippers, anything to address the hair around my junk for a long time, thinking it would never get better. And then Manscape comes along and literally knocks my pubes right off. That's how good they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The perfect tools for the family jewels. The Perfect Package 3.0 comes with new and improved Lawn Mower 3.0, waterproof cordless body trimmer, and a ton of other liquid formulations to round out your manscaping routine. The third Drednaeration trimmer features a cutting edge ceramic blade to prevent manscaping accidents, millions of balls,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are about to be nick free thanks to Manscapes Advanced SkinSafe Technology. And of course, let's not forget the Crop Preserver Anti-Chafing Ball Deodorant. You already put deodorant in your armpits, why not put it under your ball bag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you purchase the perfect package 3.0 kit at manscape.com, you get the biggest bang for your buck. Subscribers get a new replacement blade refill for your lawnmower trimmer delivered to your door every three months, making sure your trimmer always stays fresh and clean. For a limited time, subscribers get not one, but two free gifts. The Shed travel bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A $39 value and the patented high performance anti chafing manscape boxer brief. This is the perfect package for your perfect package. Get 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus free shipping with the code mom20 at manscape.com. Do yourself a favor and always use the right tools for the job. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code mom20 at manscape.com. That's 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With free shipping at manscaped.com and use the code MOM20. Your partner, your body, and your balls will thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish we had it pulled right now when Tommy Lee was, do we have it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice to have, uh, good comics around you when you're working stuff out because they give you good ideas, good tags, yeah. Uhm, so Hey Big Boy was filmed in Cleveland. Cleveland, seven shows. Seven shows at the, what, where was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how long is the special? Like an hour? 57 minutes I think. Wow. Perfect. Yeah. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thanks, thanks. I got yours here, uh, because this is your episode, so here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You almost want to trade it in, right? You're like, just put the 20 back on. I gotta be honest with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you, we do this, we'd be like, hey, uh, would you just text and be like, is it cool to just show Tom this, uhm, a pic I have of you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay. When George was born. So you're, you're struggling to pay rent is the scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then would you do some type of sex act on camera? And then for what amount of money? So like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would put on like a luchador mask and masturbate to get like some rent money. Um, Christina was like, yeah, maybe foot stuff. And then she was like, or a gang bang. And I was like, well, hear me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me give you through the rest of this. This slut's doing that. Then, Nadav said he would do, uh, submissive, be like spit on and spank, but no scars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eni is like, yea, I'll just shoot a scene right now, today, no mask, no nothing, and then come back to work here tomorrow. Like he's, he doesn't care, he'll shoot a scene. He said he'll shoot a scene, no problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh thinks it will help him sell tickets and he is well, he is willing to do a scene with a girl, he picks the girl and then ten guys can come in at the end and come on his shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped 3.0. Thank you Manscaped for the 3.0. The per- The fucking LED light they have is so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you fluff it up nice and good for a photo though, right? Oh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how some people, like, when you see their dick, they go, it gets bigger? You know, like, they'll be like, it gets bigger. Oh yea, oh I say that all the time. Uh, mine, I feel like mine, if you see my dick, I'll go, it gets smaller. Like it- Wait, do you have a shower or a grower? Oh, a grower, but here's the thing, it grows in both directions. Like, I've seen, like right now my dick is like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it goes just all the way up inside and it hides. Like, every time I do any type of exercise, if I feel unsure, if I have anxiety, I'll be like, where's my dick? And I'll reach down and I'll be like, I can barely, I have to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 40 yard dash. Bench press for reps. Vertical leap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, 40 yard dash, vertical jump. My vertical jump sucks. We'll do the bench press. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll do these, one, we'll do one, two, three, vertical jump, we'll do the broad jump, uh, three cone drill we could do, or shuttle run, yeaah, there's more, there's more than that, but that, we don't want to do fucking twenty things. We're not going to make a meal out of it. We want to do this, we want to do forty yard dash, that's the most exciting, that's the best, bench press for sure, vertical leap, broad jump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's shitting a lot lately. We did Heisuu's show, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did the, he told me, uh, he goes, we were talking about like differences when you grow up with like a Latin parent, you know, in his case, both parents. And he said, uh, one time he was talking, we were talking about on the Spanish podcast, he was talking about washcloths. He goes, you know, I went to a house and, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went, oh, it was like a white friend's house and I went to take a shower and I was like, uh, do you have a washcloth? And they were like, what? And he goes, what is that? And I go, well, I always thought that the only people that use washcloths are just poor people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Doesn't it upset you? We had this conversation with the Haitians yesterday. It upsets me that the neighborhood in this, in this city that is literally written as Los Feliz is called Los Filas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I got the title from. For real? Yea. Do you like it? I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Uhm, have you considered getting a vasectomy? I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Remember the days when you were always ready to go, when you just would smell a woman's neck, and then you would immediately be rock hard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you can increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed. Listen up. Bluechew.com. That's blue like the color blue. Bluechew brings you the first chewable with the same FDA approved active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. Man, this is awesome. This is what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Advanced technology is all about. You can take them anytime, day or night, even on a full stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since they're chewable, they work up to twice as fast as a pill. So you can be ready whenever. I mean literally. Just pop that in, ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could benefit from more confidence when it counts. Bluetooth is the fast and easy way to enhance your performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit Bluetooth.com and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] House, just paying five dollars shipping again. That's B-L-U-E. Chew. C-H-E-W dot com. Promo code house to try it free. Forget taking a pill. Bluechew is the faster, better, cheaper choice and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast. You use lube most of the time when you jerk off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, by the way, going to, uh, I did a few of those dates. Yeah. And, um, I always like end up talking, you know, talking to those, uh, organizers and accounting people. And I was like, tell me what everyone makes. And like at first they were like, nah. And then on the last day they're like, all right, come here. They just showed me the, the pay scale. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That person gets eight times what we're making. They're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it wasn't even, like, a huge name. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way, way more.