[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what you eat before you come over here but this dog can't stop licking him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your hands covered and locks before you come over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So our son it turns out is lactose intolerant and you and I did that 23andMe genetic testing a while back and it revealed that I was lactose intolerant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which really makes sense because I fucking hate milk. And every time I would have ice cream, my stomach would just be wrecked. I would get gas bubbles, like really painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sure enough, I shit like three times after and it was really painful and so guess what? I'm lactose intolerant, but just for milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying my friends are the dog pound. What kind of lookers do you think you have in your bunch? Who's in your corner? Burt Chrysler? The fattest working comedian out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it. What? The problem with my friends, they all got, uh, hungry tits. And you like, sloppers. Oh no, that doesn't matter. Big hangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marion's got a newborn in her arm, two other little ones, and this asshole's excited about his fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never, not excitement. Excitement's not your thing. Like, personality champs get excited about things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do? Yeah, okay, I'll take that back. Football? Football? You like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to amputate one of my arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've gotta respect people, Tom. They're different. Everybody has a right to have their feelings. Everyone has a right to act on their irrational feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you pulled your legs up, you're in your boxer shorts, you pulled your legs up to your ears and then you farted at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like this might be a turning point for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Like somebody that you have sex with or, you know, that you see me as like an opposite sex person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, if we were courting 12 years ago, like, we just started dating, would you pull your legs up and fart at me at the table then? Or, that's just 12 years in the game and you feel like that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We may have entered in a territory like officially in it for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That may have, may have put us into weird territory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that, that may have, may have affected us? I feel like I can't unsee it, that's the problem. Like there's a reason you and I don't shit in front of each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you insisted that I was the fart champion back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This morning, well we ate a lot of prosciutto and cheese last night for dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the farts of That's Deep Bro. Like where That's Deep Bro is for yourself, this is for farts. Yeah. Discovering, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm more of an aficionado.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Contempt for your spouse, that's the predictor of divorce. And eye rolling is a huge predictor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody tweeted, uh, was it Sean Spicer to see if he had heard about the cum strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I open the, I usually keep them in here to record and then I let them into the house for dinner time thinking that, you know, everybody would be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I should have checked to make sure that the, the kitty door was shut. We had like a childproof fence. And for some reason I looked and I was like, oh, that's fine. I didn't even like double check. I come back in here to record. You come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, have you seen a dog, a small blonde dog? And he goes, yeah, no, no, I haven't seen it. He goes, you should find it before the sun goes down, all those coyotes come out. And I go, thanks dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, the whole time I kept thinking, I won't be able to sleep tonight if we don't find FIFO. I would, I would just be beside myself with grief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I bought a Jeep Dog GPS for both of them. They're both chipped, but that, you know, that microchip shit doesn't work unless somebody turns them into a vet or turns them into the shelter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so I got them GPS and I'm charging them now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can have him chime in. Would you rather tie a string around your balls and jump off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, would you rather dickfarts for the rest of your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or one drink from that guy's nipples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A medical doctor guy. Can men lactate? Can men produce milk? I know that they must have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, yeah, it's real. It's a fucking real mental problem I have. I see a fucking shrink for it, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you say that, that can actually dull your palate, is having spicy foods or drinking coffee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sparkling or bottled? Never tap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, one question though, because I grew up in LA and never drank the tap water. I mean, I'm convinced it's just poison running through. And so it's also like, what do you buy, what does the average


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's another thing I would ask you, because we did sparklets for a while and that was fine, but now we have a water filtration system built into our house and that's, I don't know, is it better? So that too I would like to know from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I applied to work at Laurie's Steakhouse downtown, but then I failed the drug test because I smoked pot the night before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The smart water, so that, the smart water, that's that nonsense you buy at the Trader Joe's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean Europe, uh, there's lots of natural springs everywhere. I feel like that's a very Euro thing. Like I know my family, we go to a place called Havies, which is like on the border.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is it, uhm, is it Austria and Hungary? Some natural, like, Europeans love their natural, you swim in it, you drink it, you bathe it, it's a very Euro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I actually went to a urologist a few years ago, and I asked him, uh, cause I was like, how much water should I be drinking? And he goes, however much you feel, if you feel thirsty, drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good question, now that brings us to our soda question, La Croix, La Croix, La Croix, I don't know how you pronounce, uh, what's, is that water or is that soda? My husband seems to think it's more water than soda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I may not use the same glass as I drank my Fijian, cause that would be contaminating with water flavors, is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, wow. That's a mineral bath, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, no, totally different. Totally different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of going to like a thermal bath or mineral bath, whatever, with my parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does have like a tinny or whatever, I don't know how to describe it, aftertaste, right? You're like, oh that's a, there's a minerals in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cause those are salty waters. So would you consider, so is this a nice option if you're going to go for sparkling water, would you say? I think Hilda's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is like an explosion of saltiness. Oh yeaah. It's very bitter at the end. Very salty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can I ask you one question before we move on? So your palette, I mean, you have to keep it so sensitive. How do you maintain your palette flavor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we like this beverage, it's an alternative to soda. We don't drink sugar soda in this house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would go even higher, seven, because of, I mean, look how active that water is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also like the level of the bubbly-ness, I like the sodium content, I feel like, I don't know, it's got a lot of pizzazz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Queen likes a dollar, uh, sparkling water. Interesting. She's British, come on, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and when I go to- when I'm in Budapest, I always order ashvandis, which is sparkling water, and they definitely don't bring that shit. They bring their own- they bring stuff similar to, I would say, the Spanish one. I feel like that's a Hungarian- like it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was the most mind-blowing thing. You know, you don't think about water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you say not the water jammien? Keine? Was zu schaffen? Es ist nicht der Wasserschämpchen. Es ist nicht, nicht der? Nicht. Nicht. Der. Der. Der.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Firstly, what is Scots? What is Scots? In modern Scotland, Scots is the name for the byleads, gather together. And the other names are Doric, Lambs and Scots for by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I thought for sure she's mortified. It was an accident. She'll go get a dog bag, come back, clean it up, you know, and never run here ever again. Uhm, not the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bathroom across the street right here. Uhm, our park has porta-potties. Uhm, there's a gas station right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanted to know how we got here. Not to offend anybody out there, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All cut up. I just remember when I was a kid in West Virginia, I was ashamed to go to school because my jeans were wore out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only because we didn't have any better. Now they buy them that way. I just can't f- how did we get here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hoot-a-papa, those legs are going on for days. So... God. He...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this was a radio station right now, I would be like, we're playing this song again. I'm gonna hit rewind and give you guys a, this is so well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they sent it to us months ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November. I think because we just collect Amazon boxes in our entryway. And then this one we're like, hey, what's this one? And then we open those from you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Thank you very much. It's really cool. They sent us one for our boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in his Wikipedia it would say, one of his trademarks is ending songs with a long fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of uh, producers out there doing their thing and stuff like that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you said that you saw this, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I didn't think uhm, I dunno, I never thought this, what this documentary is about was a thing. This is eye-opening to say the least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is amazing. I don't know. Do you think it's just such a pushback on what is notable pain that they're like, actually it's pleasurable. Look at it the right way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, I think it's kinda like, it'd be like if you have a fever and you're like, it feels good though. And you just keep telling yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what's happening. You ever eat something spicy and you're like, it's hot. Then you just try to talk yourself out of how hot it is. You're like, I can handle it, I can handle it. It's not bad, it's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the pain. Yeah, essential. Well, she said, I'm going to go through this pain. She didn't say I'm going to come super hard so that I can enter the world. She said pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, as a quick aside, we'll be joined shortly by the creator of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hurts. But I think that uhm, maybe, uh, you can trick yourself. Like that lady who was like, it was awesome, I loved it. Yes. But she shows you how powerful the mind is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't think, I don't see Doctor, under your name, said that it's possible to come super hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that does speak to the part that it's psychological, the pain part. She's saying that it's imprinting to you that this is a terrifying, so maybe like, your early impressions are, this is going to be terrifying, when what they should show you is women walking into the ER like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already nutted. What else do you want from me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they're like, well, your dog, he's nervous about this and he's not sure what will happen next. I'm like, oh, did he tell you that? How did that come about? And they're like, yeah, no, I know, uh, your dog right now, he's, he's happy about what you did. And so you just need to keep doing that and your dog will stay happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand if they're like, your dog is sick. But when they're like, the dog is thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like this doesn't know how hard you're gonna come when you have a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Respected one, uhm, and so I got him alone for a minute. I was like, can I ask you something? I'm a teenager. So, you know, obviously I'm hypersexual at the time, right? I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, you're a gynecologist. I go, how do you separate, you know, a vagina being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, stimulating sexually to you versus professional. How does that happen? He goes, pussy's pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met one. I met a female urologist. She wasn't mine, but I met one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, I thought about that. I was like, all you do is look at dicks all day. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to ask her dick questions, but it was kind of an upscale dinner. I didn't want to be like, what's like the biggest dick you've seen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. Why would this woman of all the fields of medicine be like, everything that's out there, internal medicine, you can be a cardiologist, you can be a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know and that guy always has to act like, he's like, I don't know, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she from across the room, she goes, and she spits on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be a repressed, like maybe this girl, this female urologist was like, you know, had a strict upbringing. Like no boys, no dates. You know, you study.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she got to college and then her parents were still like, you better not be going out and, you know, you need to get to medical school. You cannot fuck around. And by the time she got there and they're like, what field? She was like dicks and balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about that, that exists with all doctors, cause you essentially at a point you go like, you tell me. How am I gonna live?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can make you feel better, I can tell you the reality of this situation, I'm, they're like a version of God, you know? They're telling you like, this is what's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Never had a female. Really? I'm trying to think. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you choose assholes all day? Well we need an asshole doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, cause I mean, general physicians, no, I've had guys, um, no, female nurses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had multiple by the way, but it still stands out on the flight yesterday. They, uhm, the first officer got on the PA and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the pilot said that uhm, we are going to uhm, we're going to experience some turbulence and she said to stay in your seats, blah blah blah. So they kept referring to the pilot as she.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is more common, but it still stands out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was using the she pronoun, so she might be comfortable with it. But I see what you're saying. Maybe a male got their license and then changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this reminds me of, by the way? This is when people ask to, uh, like friends, ask to come to a show. Oh my God, stop it. And they're like, um, hey, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw you're gonna, you know, you're gonna be in Montreal. Can I get tickets to the show? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, where do I get the tickets to? They're at Will Call, at the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, oh, okay, parking's there. I'm like, I'm sure it is. I don't know. I don't live there. So I don't know. And then they're like, uhm, is there someone that I should ask for when I get there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know if, if uhm, if there's parking on site or I'll have to park somewhere else and then get there? Google it. Uhm, where should I meet you after the show? Oh my god. Do you know if uhm, do you know where, where in the venue my seats will be? And I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a certain point I do the same thing, I go, not responding. I'm done. It's in God's hands. And then I'll get like, ten, and then after the show they're like, you know I was texting you earlier, I had my phone off, I didn't even, I left it, I don't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like this specialty is coming while you're giving birth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I told my mom, uh, yesterday, she goes, she was telling me that she farted really big. And I go, hey, you know, you can make, um, you can make money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so here's some, like, good casino money for you. And she was like, ah, she was never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never, but people are making money, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we can just put videos of her trying to be talked into doing it and just think, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really what the interesting thing about these people that do this is like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that you're gonna have this for breakfast and then you can go shoot your video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting her to fucking answer though. I mean, it really is like- Well, let's text her. It's like calling somebody a fucking hundred years ago or something, you know? Like, they're like, what day will you be calling? She might as well say to me. Because it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So annoying. Both of them are like this now. I'm like, I called you, I texted you. Oh, I, uh, I left it charging. I'm like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How often do you leave it charging? Why do you leave it charging so long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care about this, I just want to make a phone call. Alright. Let's see. I want to have her number even memorized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did some research, I found out it's like, it's pretty serious money you can make if you do some fart videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, would you consider putting up a couple just to test the market?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm saying, like, I think it can generate extra gambling money for you for the casinos. I think, I think you're looking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A month, yea, and all you gotta do is like, if you feel one coming, you just make, you just hit record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just hit record on your iPhone and then send it to me and I'll have direct deposit set up for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I mean, I'm gonna do some research. If I can get people to sign up, will you start posting videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm going to do some research and see if I can get that type of commitment. And just so you know, it might be more. So I'm just starting low, but it might go more than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I know already that some people were asking if, if you could, when you do these video, if you do, like if you feel one and you record it, fart and then go like, oh my gosh, I didn't mean to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you open video, and you put, you put, you press record, and you record yourself, and then you, you just show the whole thing, and then when you're done, go like, oh my gosh, I didn't mean to do that. Like it's an accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, maybe pee in a cup? I'll look into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, just people were like asking a bunch of questions about, cause they heard about mom's farts and they were like, well we want to see them and then they showed me this site where we can upload her farting and people are willing to pay for it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Do you by any chance, do you want to do fart videos too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I mean, it might, it might sour your reputation around town. That's the only thing I would feel I have to tell you. Cause you have to be on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Uhm, alright, I'll uh, I'll let you guys have lunch and then give me a call later, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had uhm, I was like, couple thousand, and she was like, I don't know, it's gross. I'm like, well what does it take, three? She just moved it up one thousand dollars, and was like, I'll far for a thousand dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? That's 36 grand a year. That's more than some teachers make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it'd be, you know, I'd like to be known as the comedian whose mom does fart videos. I mean I think that would help my brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could have her start opening for me on the road. Interesting. You guys want to see the granny farts lady? Right. And then she comes out, puts a mic to her butt, goes, ughh, fuck my son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we have to really start, but again what interests me is we really have to start paying attention to what she eats to get the right, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found out who she was, but you know what? It does a disservice to the fun of not knowing who she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now there's a face to it, it changes the dynamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a brunette before. She went grey, so we can say that. She's grey. Yea, but she had big honkers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Broader, yeah. Yeah. By the way, I want to mention this, I mentioned it at the top when we did all our stuff, but I know there's people that skip all that, uhm, so I have to mention it once during the show, and that is if, uh, if you're in Australia, uhm, and you skip the top,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am having to move my dates due to a scheduling conflict. I tried to move it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twice to sooner, uhm, and it, due to venue availability, it's moved to April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for your, for the new shows. You've probably been contacted. If you don't want to go, you can get a refund.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's uhm, that's just the way it is, so I apologize, but that's what is gonna happen with that. Okay. So, I have to tell them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which I have to say was awesome in the dirty dirty. So thank you to everybody that was in those cities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Richmond, Virginia Beach, Greensboro, Asheville, and, uh, Charleston, which is where my sister is, which is who, uh, I was just speaking to. So I got to hang out with her a little bit, and the shows were bananas. Remember I was announcing on this show that Charleston, I was like, we need you to get some tickets, and the last week leading up to the show, the ticket sales doubled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I was saying was this. There's no better place to shit than in your own house. Obviously. That's number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if you're traveling, your hotel room, you have your privacy, you have your own amenities. It's not a bidet though. I know, but you can jump in the shower, you can do what you want, it's still like your travel home, right? So you're still, once you leave there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing I like about the plane as opposed to let's say the airport stall is that it sucks. It sucks shitting on a plane. It sucks. I get like, I get performance anxiety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right where your left elbow or right elbow is, depending on the layout of that plane, is the sink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's right there. And they usually, in my experience, have like piping hot water. So what I'll do is I'll shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll take paper towels because they're thicker and I'll soak them in piping hot water and then I'll start to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To an airport stall because I don't feel as clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if you're in the stall, if you're like, I wanna, I want that. You'd have to leave your stall. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, wet something under the sink, go back to the stall, like, you know, I've done that by the way, I've done it, but it's a much more tedious and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, I swear. I swear. Where? In an airport. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, what I did was like, I cleaned up well, but I was like, I want another level of cleaning. So I went out, wet toilet paper in front of people, took it back into the stall, shut the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but I also left the buckle and stuff open. I left the panel. So everybody knew. Everyone knew that I was cleaning my ass, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can say that I don't ever intend for nuggets to be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last sheet of paper is a trademark, something I've been doing for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want people to know that I was there, but I don't do it with nuggets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So weird. You're like, I gotta go in the next 30 seconds. Yeah, that's what it is. Why do you have an emergency system in there? I mean, it's just like, it should be like, Oh, I got a signal. I should do this later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got an interesting email. This is really for me, but you can comment on this too, since actually the two of us can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can, can comment. So this is a chubby chaser seeking advice. She writes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, Tommy and Tina. I'm writing because I have a problem I think you may be able to help me with. About a year ago, I met a guy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a friend's wedding, we got along great, dancing, joking together most of the night. At the end of the night, he asked for my number and I didn't hesitate to give it to him. We joked around, flirted a lot through text and Snapchat, often saying we wanted to hang out, but nothing has come to fruition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually, I would tell this fuckboy to kiss my pussy and not worry about it as he obviously wears his pants low and loose. But I have a theory I may be able to, uh, you may be able to offer some insight on. This guy is chubby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I make fitness. All of the fitness. I take very good care of myself. I'm in very good shape. Could this have anything to do with his hesitation to pull the trigger and see me again? I usually date other fit people so I do not have a frame of reference for this adorable doughboy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe insecurity keeps him from wanting to take his clothes off in front of me. Maybe he will feel judged. Maybe it's just like the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seeing as how Tommy USED to be fat and mommy Tina was obviously into it, I was wondering if you two could give me some words of wisdom. Maybe this is a better question for Burnt Chrysler seeing as he is still fat. Thanks Hitler. Britney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's an excellent question and it brings a lot of discussion points to light. Uhm, number one,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go through the possibilities. Number one, there is one possibility that this guy is not interested. That's a possibility. But he did ask for her number, so that's why I would probably take that, I mean, take that kind of off the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're communicating, he would probably, she would probably know if he has a girlfriend. You know, it's possible. So I'm saying that's option one. He's not into her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Option two could be that you're totally correct and that he is just super insecure. In which case, I think just like no matter what somebody's insecurities are, they need reassurance. They need reassurance that you're not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that like, that you're attracted to them, you know? So, and also I would say that guys, regardless of their bodies and physiques, most of the time need to be hit on the head with information. Especially when it comes to, a lot of guys don't assume


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're attracted. I mean, there's the chaser, there's a guy that's always, but a lot of guys are the type that go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know you were into me. You know? Like, I feel like maybe women, I'm making assumptions here, are more the opposite of that, but I feel like a lot of guys are the types that are like, I'm not gonna assume that it's uh, reciprocated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could see that. I guess it goes for both sexes then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to be told, like directly by people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's bringing about an interesting point, because what she's saying is that she's super fit, he's not, they do communicate, they do flirt, they do text, he's not pulling the trigger, she's into him, how does she, like, my point would be that, I'm trying to put myself in the guy's position,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe if she is correct in her assumption that he's insecure about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What helps is reassurance. Right, right, right. So you actually have to be, if that's the case, more blatant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, not into fitness and like, without saying like, even though you're this, it's like, I'm attracted to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. This isn't gonna work. If you're that fit, yea, it could be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yea, lifestyle is a thing. But you can also, it's also good, I think in a relationship, to have some different interests. Things that I do, things that you do that are not, you're like, go do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not true. But so she could be the type that's like, I'm gonna go fucking rock climbing. And he's like, that sounds terrible. I don't know, like, it could just be, but he needs reassurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know that you're like, well, pull the trigger, but maybe you gotta be like, hey, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This Saturday, uhm, you know, whatever's going on or I know this bar or I want to see this move, like just make it obvious. And then, and then when you're with him, you know, make, make your interests obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, whatever. It's like, you don't have to be like, pull that dick out, but you start, you know, get handsy. Put the hands on the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, thigh hands, you know. Thigh hands? Thigh hands. That's really forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you do it like for a second. You don't leave it there, right? You just give him a signal. The signal is like, hey, I like you. He needs the reassurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well I, you know, I had a little heads up from your friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, what bitch is that again? Like, that's how we talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It definitely doesn't. We gotta go get one. Let's, uhm, press pause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, wait till the weasel gets here. Okay. You know what I mean. Be wheezy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we stepped away obviously for a moment there, but we are back. We're joined by our guests that we teased earlier in the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You even did, your online sketch was such a success that you even did like a follow up. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dude, uh, that played like the, the face of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had like a very LA accent for delivery of the lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, yeaah. We're very California way, there's like, there's a California diction for, that like, I think especially if you listen to a lot of hip hop, some guys can say certain words and you're like, oh that's a west coast guy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great thing about him appearing here, as far as like in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, um, yeah, the art is that this absolutely, like just when you feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got the joke. You've got the joke. This dude completely shuts it down. And it also helps, like if you're listening right now, to see him and to see the way he says this, like the way that he looks around, where he's almost like, part of you is like he's trying to remember what to say. But part of you, he's like, he doesn't really stop. He goes, it's uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he could, okay, now that I listen to it, maybe it was like my memory of all the different voices. So maybe it's not him so much. Maybe it's the narrator. The narrator I definitely felt was West Coast as shit though. Yeah. Okay. Am I right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And congrats on doing it with, uh, looks like a production team behind you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two other things I wanna, uh, uhm, you made this, the dance? What's that, that short film? Oh, I Don't Dance? I Don't Dance? Can people see that? I watched it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go watch I Don't Dance and don't, don't get impatient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if Christina's seen it. I've seen it. It's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I don't know if this is like a series, another thing you did was like, when you're like the magician doing tricks on the street. Oh my god. It's called mind jack. Mind jack. That's great. That's great. Oh thanks, thanks, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No this would be good for you guys to get your reaction on this I think. A bunch of doctors are around him. Looks like they're preparing. He's nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to narrate a little. Yeah, yeah, please, please. He's, looks like he's, uh, getting comfortable or uncomfortable with being. Oh my God. He's got his hog. You can see his big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something was just inserted inside of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a close up of his penis. We're pushing him on that penis. He's pushing really hard, like he's delivering birth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's gross, but he, he, if he wants to fuck his mom, I don't care. Um, but if you start wanting to like have a marriage ceremony, not that it, it affects me in any way, but that's where the legal system is going to jump in and be like, no, you can't. And I think that's what caught up to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a bowl made for two. Are you going to tell us more about her off the air? Yeah, sure. What else do you want to know? Nudes. Everything. What's up, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't, it wasn't a month too. You know what I remember why? Cause I could, there's a couple things that I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the timeline, here's how I remember it. I start seeing you in late, uhm, oh, like, I go out a couple of times with you in 04. 05, cause that's late 04, 05 I know that I was dating you officially cause we shot Cut Man in 05, I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say January is like, we're dating. Oh, okay. And then the first fart happens in football season, which is in the fall, which is in the fall. So I know it's at least nine months of fall fart. Yeah. Fall fart. Yeah. Autumn fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how I broke the fart barrier. Are you ready? Sure. I spent the night at her place. I remember that it's football season because I was watching on her shitty TV a college game on a Saturday morning. I was sitting there in my boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She sat next to me and I was like, oh man, at this point, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're definitely dating, it's like, you know. Yea, you're in the mix. We're in there, we probably did it last night or this morning, and now I'm just like, chilling, watching football, and I go, I feel this fart coming, and I just go for it, but I grab her hand and I put it between my legs, and I fart on her hand. As the first fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fart on her hand and she goes, oh my god. I still remember she goes, it smells like garbage. It smells like garbage. And she ran into the other room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not real garbage. People should tweet him. You should tweet him. You should tweet Mosha. Uhm, I heard your fart smell like garbage. I hope he doesn't get upset about me saying that. It's not a big deal. You could have said no when I said it. It's not a big deal, it's just that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you knew that he farted back. No. But you could have done this though. This could have been a point. You could have said something like, maybe if it was, if you rewind back, if you had been like, hey, just so you know, I really don't ever want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm not good with that. That could have established some boundaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did fart on my son's face today. Well I was facing, I was at the counter, I was at the counter, and he walked up behind me and I felt his head nudge, his height is like right at my butt cheeks, and I had a fart so I just let it go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also remember that I did, I did Cap City with you. They booked me the next year to headline it. And then he didn't book me again for like five years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to give you a lot of credit. I have to give you a lot of credit because you did this thing where like you were unwavering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what's interesting. It's like, so many people that were like, not into the show, let's say half of them, were like, just, the fuck, the one guy left, I remember, cause I was in the lobby, he goes, that guy's an asshole. Like, he was angry about his set, which, and not even like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's provoking him, like you weren't saying something to anger him, he was just upset about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did your, the next day you did the exact, like, you know, the same set, and you killed. Yeah. And it was the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but I meant like, what I remember was like, who knows what will happen Saturday early show was still a full, pretty full house. And you did the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so funny that uhm, you know, that people can get upset at different things because you weren't like, uh, you know, fuck your way of thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was one of the worst reactions I've ever seen to a headlining set. Do you know whose was worse? Mine. Because I got booed off stage a few years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. It unraveled. Wow. But I'm saying, I tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go into the act, basically. Like, hey, why don't you shut the fuck up? And then go back to doing stand up. And they were just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was crazy man, that was nuts. I really did think about your set. Oh really? Yes, because I remembered like, doing things like act, I would act like the room wasn't falling apart, it was falling apart, like screaming and people were like, and I would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, what can be like the, for me, like this is separate, let's say from what we're talking about, like catastrophic stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you're, let's say 99% of the room is good and you're doing your,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we go over to, uh, to Jennifer's later, and then I'll pick her up, and then we can pick her up. And you start hearing that, and you're like, you're trying to thought. You wanna go like, hey man. And then they're like, well I'm just like saying something. You're like, I know, but I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hear my own thoughts, because I keep hearing you talking about going to Jennifer's house. No, totally, totally. It's a huge distraction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean we, we assumed big tits. Lots of, has had lots of sex. Lots of cigarette. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe you have a girlfriend two years now. That's how infrequently I see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Wait, you're trying to suggest that anyone would believe that Mr. Pants kids are not black?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel like he hit, you feel me, definitely you know what I mean, maybe you know what I'm saying that I missed, but. You know what I mean. He hit the trifecta, I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Yeaah. West Coast guy. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, I feel like you know those, that California lingo. You're saying that you're like, I don't know if they're registered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I noticed when I was in Miami, it was funny, it was like they have such a distinct accent, locals. Locals just speaking English, like regardless of their... What does it sound like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They basically sound like they learned English after they learned another language. You know, a huge, obvious Spanish influence. But these are non-bilingual people speaking English. That's funny. And you're like, your accent's crazy. And they're like, what accent? I'm like, what? And they go, you have an accent. And I go, I have a pretty nondescript accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was born and raised in New York City, but in like a hardcore, you know, insulated Chinatown neighborhood. So he speaks English with a heavy, heavy accent, and his Cantonese is just okay. Uh huh, yeah right, exactly. So he's like, his primary language is English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, it's, I mean, when you hear him speak, you'd be like, you would be like, oh, you know, you'd, like, oh, this guy learned English, you know, ten years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they, usually it's prompted by some type of head trauma. Yeah, okay. So these, uh, people have, have some type of accident, something that affects the brain usually, that, uhm, then gives them a foreign accent, but not, you know, your language abilities, you're speaking your native language, but with a foreign accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's an interesting question, but they have, I mean, there's a number of cases of it throughout the world in the stuff that we've looked up, uhm, where there's just not enough information to know exactly what's going on. Like, you know, there's been one where they were like, oh, this lady's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just fucking with people like it was a hoax, but there's ladies like this lady has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she's been doing it for like, at this point, like five, six years. And it was, she hasn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's doing that. I mean, it sounds distinctly like an Asian accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said that their, the email that we got was that when, like you already know about when one of your senses goes, other's heightened, that they pick up that your sense of touch is so heightened at that point that what you feel also dictates. I believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This proves to me not only is Tom a true champion, as he's willing to defend his title like a professional,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she actually, she's making a great point. She was woken up by somebody who's letting their kid play video at volume with no headphones. Negative. Which is one of my, personally, I think that's incredibly rude. Yeah. Unforgivable. So she is saying like, I'm not getting to sleep because you're letting your kid go, boop, beep, boop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that the lady's like, I'm like, she's so, first of all, she's such in Zombieland, who knows if this is the third leg of her trip, but like ignores all noise anyway. She's like, I didn't hear, did you hear it? She's like, I didn't hear anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she is. She's right. You know why? Cause she's actually, it's getting less emotional and more logical. Yeah. And cause she reacted on emotion. Yeah. Then it switched over to logic and her logic is correct. Her logic is correct. So she calmed down and is still making the right point. She knows she's right. Yeah. Cause. Cause. Cause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really hard. This is so much more than I wanted out of this question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's called in a bunch. He's called a bunch of times. We've called him. He sat here and did an interview. Well, you know, I've talked to them and recorded it and played the audio later. That's the extent of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people that go, I thought I saw it. I saw you saw it. People make songs from the show a lot. Oh yea. I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I got, uh, well I have another song that we'll close with. Oh, okay. We did the, uh, oh there's a sperm extractor machine that's new. I don't know if Brent will use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, the thing is that it's like, it's an ATM basically designed with a hole in it that you just walk, kinda like we talked, we've talked about like if there was like a suck machine and guys would just walk up to it and- I've never talked about that with you. Yeah, we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you were like, oh I had this other thing. Remember you brought up-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I'm thinking a little differently. I'm thinking like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys walk around with poison in them all the time. Right. This would be great. If you're just walking around like full of rage and they're like, dude, just walk up to that machine and you go, uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what if this thing keeps going, and you're like, stop, stop, is there a stop button? Like is there an emergency stop? Like on a treadmill where you pull off and you're like, oh shit, I fell off this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause it looks like, it looks like it gets pretty tight on you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because I, I think I'm always waiting for, like if I hear somebody speaking, that usually someone's gonna translate or something, so I'm waiting for what, you know, the sentence to finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All language has that thing right where you hear like Arabic and it's like, and you're like, that's also, that guy's saying, what time does the train get here? You know, and it's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, you know, I guess mocking is all from perspective, but I always kind of fuck with, uh, when I hear French, when I hear something like that. Of course, you have to mock that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess with, since I don't speak any Mandarin or Cantonese, I just keep hearing usually like three different sounds. Yeah. Shushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushushush


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I was showing apartments in Boston after college and I was showing them to some, uh, Chinese students and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two of them were walking at my pace and then a few were further behind. So when we got to the door, we looked back and they're like a block behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just ran as fast as they could. That shit was fun. Like learning a little expression in another language to say, to scream at somebody. That's a thrill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and also when you nut, she keeps sucking. Okay. And then you keep shaking after that. You gotta turn that knob down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Brent Weinbach. There's other videos and stuff on youtube.com slash Brent Weinbach. There it is. There it is. Alright. Sorry, I gotta help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Uhm, there's all the info. Check him out. Absolutely hysterical dude. And, uh, thanks for coming by today, buddy. Thanks for having me. It was really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See you guys. You too, brother. Alright, here we go. Closing song. We'll see you next week. Thanks, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so gross. 50 times one, one, uh, right side, 50 times left side, 50 times front, 50 times back, 50 times down. Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how often am I doing this? You have to do everyday until you can control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day. Every day you just jack your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do too. And you know what I actually think? By the way, that is called, uhm, that is called Canadian Denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's by Garrett Herter, uh, that song. I think that he actually is the ultimate dad boner, and here's why. We can get lost in the reactions. Yana, go ahead. Cause you can get lost in the reactions and think that that's really what it is, but it's actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In other words, you know, the whales coming out of the water and the guy's like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it truly is remarkable. Sure. Or when the guy in the plane sees the eclipse and he's like, oh my, I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he gets excited, but that's a phenomenal thing that he's seeing. This guy's reacting like this to a fucking highway. So I think he's actually the biggest dad boner of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So some people have reacted even bigger than him. Few, because he sounds like he's coming. But still, it's to a highway, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this guy has something wrong with him for sure. But you know, I don't know if he's, if he's truly, like I want to say he's mentally ill to, to like kind of poke at him, but I think this guy's really this excited. I think it's actually genuine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think his level, his real excitement is infrastructure, highways. That's his jam. So when he sees the, where the fucking highway ends or where it meets whatever, he gets that fucking excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think maybe you did do a good job. Maybe you're not giving, maybe, I mean, how are you supposed to do it? I think maybe you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the workout's big to me on the road. I gotta do it. I, I actually at the point, I'm at this point now, I won't do a show without it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that part I, but I mean I do it, I like to do it two hours before show time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, if I have a 7 o'clock, 5 o'clock I'm in the gym. This way I can work out, uhm, and I don't try to kill myself, I try to do enough where I'm sweating, heart rate's definitely up, but I'm not exhausted, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this way I feel really alert. So then I can go back to my room and I don't have to panic, shower, change, get ready and then it's like, you know, I have 15-20 minutes to get to the venue and I'm gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like the separate beds, the ones for stuff, like that put all your shit on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, cause I saw your insane post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Instagram where you showed that in Sacramento this week, you had the heat on in your room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We ever had a dispute in court, they would, they would bring that as evidence. For the divorce? The judge would rule against you. You'd be like, well this is a crazy. Just for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been doing it much more than I have if you want to be honest about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every morning we're hanging out as a family and you're like, oh, I gotta go shit. You always leave the shit first. You have to shit at like seven o'clock in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No. You got a long time. Healthy people shit quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gone a long time. You really are grinding them out, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great, it was great. And then, uh, one night right before I went to bed,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sat, like I sat up, and I clipped my toenails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the bed, and then I just brushed them to your side of the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a big burly dude, and uhm, he's tired of people talking of comparing, uh, dog foods. Or saying that my dog doesn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably true. But I think some people do our big end of that saying like, oh my dog's a big fan of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he has all three. That'd be really disturbing if he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this funny? I think, first of all, I didn't, sometimes I look at clips, I had no idea this was coming. I swear to you, I had no idea. You said you've seen, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but that guy that worked at the, at the dog food place said...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week, fartniks. And then I've been single dad, I've been doing that since dad life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we had a good time actually, it was really... It's fun, right? Sometimes it's good. I mean, yeaah, there's obviously really trying moments and the, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the other thing that wears on you, that wears on nerves is when the whining doesn't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you hear like, uuuh, and you're like, do you want this? Do you want that? Do you want the other thing? Like when you offer everything up, do you want rest? Do you want change? Do you want food? And they're like, uuuh, and that goes on and on. That's when you're like, I'm alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they're tired, but you don't, you think that, oh, do you wanna sleep? And they do, but they don't know that they need to work to get to sleep, shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of chicks. I gotta tell you something. It's so funny. It's interesting. I take them to the country club and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, for people that don't know out here, if you're like, why do you keep going to the mall? For us, it's like, we live in a very hot city, and the heat has already begun. It's like, in the 90s. Like, today it's 93.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it was in the car, that's what it said in the car. Uhm, but anyways, and then the other day over the weekend it was really windy, like trees blew down. Uhm, so, that is one of the reasons we go, and it's like, it's, you know, it's space, it's, it's uh, he can run. He can run free, there's stuff for kids to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, we go there and I notice that I'm getting a lot of different types of looks. I'm getting dudes that are like, let's say three guys are having coffee together at a place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking at me like, see that guy? Like that's what the look is. The look is like, see that guy with the baby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? That's how I read their look. And I noticed that it's a different look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they don't register a guy with a three or a five year old like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when it's uh, like our kid's 16 months, they're like, huh? Women too would look at me curiously like, cause I'm sitting there, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm putting him back in the stroller because he gets tired of running and I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulling apart a banana. Giving him pieces of banana. Like here's your water. Like I'm doing all the caretaking things. You're doing mom things. And they're looking at me like, yeah, where did this guy steal this care from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, but it's an interesting look to get from strangers and it tells you a lot. It tells you a lot about, you know, society and also these individuals. I mean, some of them are looking at me because they think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I even, I shouldn't even be doing that. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because as a woman, and also don't forget, you're the actual food source. And I'm talking about- From the beginning, not anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, obviously people in times have evolved and people are looking at me like, what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they looked at me like I was crazy and I could, you know, I wasn't like one or two people. I'm talking about multiple people throughout this hour at a mall were looking at me like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I get satisfaction. Yea, yea. No, it's great. I mean, like, I know I'm doing woman's work. Right, right. But I still, I still enjoy it. Just like if you were to fuckin' build a deck, you'd be like, oh this is cool, this is what guys do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, like if I cook, I'm like, oh cool, like chicks do this, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delicious. I got a big green egg. There's some, uh, I know there's some super barbecue fans out there. Uhm, I like to work with fire, so I don't like doing, you know, I like charcoal, I like wood chips, and I like messing with fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing is, uh, it's really, it's really simple actually because you control your heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just based on the air you let into it. So you can, you can basically get this thing, if you wanna, let's say, throw a steak on and you wanna just have that thing go quick, you can make, you can make the thing about almost 700 degrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just have the vents completely open. Put your penis in there. And it's like a fucking, you know, almost like a broiler. And then BOOM! Your steg is done in a minute, you know. But you can also reduce the airflow and bring that temperature in that 225, 250 range.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you can smoke a cake. Absolutely. You missed it while you were gone. I did a couple birthday cakes in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People love that, that natural, that charcoal tasting cake is like, it's, it's just such a, it's uh, it's un, uh, it's uncommon, but it's uh, it's really rewarding. Yeah. Very interesting. No, but I actually did do, uh, a British baking show treat. I tried it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that's, that's, it kinda contributes to the chemistry of them, right? Because she's like, do you notice none of the egg dribbles on my bow. And he's like, that's fine, Larry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he doesn't even, he's like, yeah. It's just like you are with your mom basically. You know, you're like, okay mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tried his chocolate volcano. But I missed one small but key step. I forgot the two tablespoons of flour. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I could just see him trying it and being like, the flavour's there, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good bug, yea. You didn't get to rise, you should have gotten, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for those of you like, uh oh, you guys are back on the fat train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta make fitness. I make it all the time. I made it, I made it four times last week. And, uh, I'll make fitness in the morning. I'm gonna do, uh, I'm gonna do twice with the trainer and I'm gonna do a couple solos this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty exciting. Now, there's one thing that, you know, we got a lot of emails, things to go through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing that's been coming up is like, personality wise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about somebody that knows us both? She's supposed to feel that way. How about some people that know us both? You know? I mean, there's other people that know us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's kind of, it is crazy. But you feel like this is because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are all people that are more connected to me? Is that what you're saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but how do you, do you think, like do you think if you had, if we had like your people call in, it would be different though or no? Oh no. You think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's pretty much, it feels settled to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are people that know us both. Even the listeners obviously side more towards me, but they don't know us the way everybody who commented knows us. Everybody knows us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're voting with their voices, baby. So, I think it's time to throw in the towel on this one if I were you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you really think that anybody, uh, would, uh, side with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it seems like one of yours, uhm, sided with me, one of your best friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty great though. Do you want to know the funniest part? I can't believe you did this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, and the guy fucking loved me, and that's why he gave me a D. He loved me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was somebody that treated him like a human being. You know, I treated a teacher like a person. I had real conversations. And you could tell that nobody did that. So he was so engaged with me. And I really, this is like an extension of my awesome personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loved me, and I remember he could not get over how bad I was at chemistry. And he did it in a subtle way. He wasn't obvious, but you could see it on his face like, don't you get this? And I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that's what you had to do in order to, I don't know, be of value in this world, I'd be a fucking bottom feeder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny? When I was in Hong Kong, which is amazing, a lot of native people there were telling me, don't go to mainland China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rough. Yea, it's real. These were Chinese people telling me this. They're like, our country sucks. They thought we were going, you guys going to Shanghai and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and they're like, well don't, you know, don't venture outside of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, do you wanna hear the funniest part of this whole thing though? Yeah. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I called and I told my parents to call in, I go, so here's like the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the setup and do it. So my dad calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's just a regular caller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had to have him call twice, because the first time... Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, hey Tom, so I called back and I go, what was that? And he goes, oh, your mom said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, so that people don't know it's, uh, it's me. Like, so that, I go, do you guys don't think that, that not only would the listeners know, but that, like, we wouldn't play it and be like, oh, that's your dad? You think you can hide who that is? And he goes, I thought so. But he just left it as, I'm dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, oh, I gotta make this announcement. So the live Yoshi episode went up. Uh, I saw some complaints about the audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luckily, we got an email from a guy named Malcolm in Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, Blue Band did it, and it was a thousand percent improved. Well thank you Malcolm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you tried listening and you're like, I don't like this audio, this sucks, and you stop, please give it another shot. Here's what you have to do though, uhm, this is what I've been told, is that if you downloaded it, you have to delete it and download it a second time because the feed has a new file in it. So, that's uh, it's the live episode, it went up on Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Yoshi joined us and he's crazier than shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 3 for 3. It could be like that. Yea, it could be. It could be the place. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be the worst. Because we're talking about reality, like real, like you go there now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, aside of all, like, when you take away


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the, the, just the punishing heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The disease, the filth, when you take away all that and bullets flying overhead, let's say you get away from all that you could still turn around and have a rhino bite you in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you get, once you have a country with over one billion people, imagine if we had, like right now we had four times as many people as we have right now in the states. You would, they would report things less. You'd report murders less, you'd report deaths less. Yea, you'd be like, it's a lot of people, people are fucked up, people die. That's how you'd be, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna get some emails next week. So uhm, why don't you tell people, you got a lot of stuff coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm going to be, uh, going back to Oregon, the great state of Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so Ryan Sickler is coming with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll be on both of the shows on the 12th and Eugene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sickle cells come with me. And then the 13th, we go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to Portland, Oregon. And the reason I did that was because the first two I did sold out really far ahead of time. So, we're doing two more on May 13th. Get your tickets. The early show sold out, but there are tickets available to the late show. I believe that's at 10.30 on May 13th. Then I go to Tuckson, Arizona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, July 14th, Asheville, North Carolina. Asheville? Is Asheville?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And July 15th, I don't know what to call Charleston, South Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, I go to Mum's Australia, and that's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At TomSegura.com slash tour. Of course we do the podcast live, one show only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] August 23rd, it's a long ways away, uh, but it is, it is moving and that is in West Falls Beach, Florida at the Improv in Palm Beach. So make sure you get your tickets now. So you are struttin' that ass, struttin' that ass at the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine, I'll just tell you, I imagine that that happens to you, in my mind, all the time. The guys, I know how guys operate, they see attractive women, you just go, hey, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, uh, look at that truck up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't even, usually what they do is they're like, oh my gosh, as they're looking at him. And they look up at me and they go like, they kinda get out of it. Must be mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Are you supposed to be with this boy? I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens, yeaah, that happens. No, they, they, they don't really, it doesn't really work like that, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, I'm telling you, this happens every show. Guys are bringing their girls, like a guy's doing a lot of dates, right? Like guy takes his girl to the movies, and then in the meet and greet lines, the guy will take a picture, and this happens every show, goes, babe, and she goes, I'm good. And then I go, and then he's like, no, no, come on, she says, I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No thanks for, like, I don't want a photo of this. That's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have it all the time. And no, girls do not go like, hey, it doesn't happen. Really? No, never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes there's jokes, like they will listen to our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll tell you something, every time, very exciting to hear. Very exciting to hear. I was always pleased to hear it. But, but on a regular basis, no, I don't get like, hey, were you, sometimes groups will say like, where are you going afterwards? And won't get hints that I don't want to hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's like, they'll still be like, so there's a bar across the street, yeah, which one is that? And then I'll be like, yeah, yeah, I might go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that is anxiety inducing. 100%. 100%. For me too. He's partying with a fucking group of people and like for him that's a show. Can't do it. Can't fucking do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With anyone, with any group, I'm saying, because of the small talk. Since I can't do it sober, I'd be like, well, I'll just fucking knock back some shots and do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys get, and I'll say it because our crowds at live shows


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are a mix of podcast listeners and stand up fans, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the reason I keep getting compliments from venues on the audience is because of podcasts. Absolutely. Because I get it, I got it on this whole tour. Everywhere I go they go, you bring in the most amazing people. Yea. And at first I'm like, oh you just mean like, cause they laughed at the show, like they like a show? It's like no they're like so respectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't heckle, they tip well, they're nice, they didn't, you know, start any shit with anyone, they're just like good people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is not against you. It says, it actually says to the two of you. But then they kind of single you out. Says, I've been a mommy since way back. So no disrespect. But you guys, see the two of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds so dumb, low and loose when you talk about retarded people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm working on my degree in teaching special ed. Work at a center for adults with intellectual disabilities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a different person with different dreams and desires. Just like you retards. Some do like white bummer movies. Some get married. Some have jobs, live independently, and yes, they drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not pleasurable to be retarded. You sound dumb, Mommy Tina. I'm sorry, but no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, some of my students fully understand the world around them as well as their struggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever they go, people think they don't know shit and all they do is, uhm, masturbate and drool. Right. Shut the fuck up with this. Sarah. Sorry, Sarah. Sarah's, she's got a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the drive thing, and that's all on me, I, I, I, first of all I thought that your comment, uhm, was insane. Which one? That like, do they not know that they're retarded?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I believe that you genuinely said it, but I still thought it was crazy. But my thing was, I really didn't know if they could drive. I really didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm saying like, I'm volunteering that she's saying that like, yea, some of them drive. Like, in other words, you're stupid for not knowing that. I really didn't know that. I asked genuinely, I didn't think it was possible that somebody-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I thought that that would be more complicated for me. I'm barely not retiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm furious, this person writes. I am not going to take it any longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina Pachitsky routinely cheats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her husband Tom allows it because of sexism and nepotism and Obama. It is an outrage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a tragedy on par with the worst crimes in history, she is basically pole pot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor and skinny or rich and fat. You cannot say you'll choose skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because you're like, you're skinny, like this is your life, or this is your life. Which life? And you're like, well you do it this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think your honor would send you to the hole for 30 days just for pitching this idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just say, do you think this is the midwestern mom translation of you know what I'm saying, you feel me, or you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I feel like you could learn that pretty quickly, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, but so wait, what is the, how long are we living in each situation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're either living at the Courtyard Marriott or in the, in the RV? Yea. But it looks like with the RV you have mobility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Now as you know- Can you have one built just for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, New York City and they don't have one. Can you say New York City?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think I would still choose the RV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you can move it, you can drive it. Right. Uh, it's part of the appeal to me. So, I think I would, I would get, uhm, I would get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comfortable, I would learn how to dump my sewage and maybe- It's real stinky. I'm sure it is, I'm sure it's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's the only thing I asked Brian Regan by the way, cause he has a tour bus, like a really nice tour bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I go, so can I ask you, I go, the rules on tour buses is like no shits, right? It's always like, it was like no shits. You piss in here, but you can't shit in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, so isn't that, and he goes, well no, I, I shit. And I said, well he doesn't say, he actually was like, no, I can't. I go, well, so doesn't your whole bus smell like shit then? And he goes, no, cause it's like, they have new technology now where it's like this grinding thing and it's like a whole, he goes, I wouldn't get one if I couldn't take a dump. He was like, is this all you want to talk about? Cause I kept talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you ask anybody that tours, that is like the, one of the first things, it's always like, hey, especially if it's a group, you know, a band touring or coming with friends, you're like, we are not dumping here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you think you are, though, the can I say something, can I just say something champ?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who the You Know Champ is? It's a kid from Harvard. He's a hockey player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we haven't. That's uh, that's quite a unique thing to have a Harvard level, you know, champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, you know what I'm sayin', just say, you know what I'm sayin', that, uh, thanks to everybody that downloaded, uh, mostly stories, the album, you made me number one on iTunes, and I got the physical copies, I signed a bunch of them today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're at the, uh, in the store. So if you want an autographed, uh, hard copy of the album, it has two bonus tracks. I put that in the store. It's in the store right now. I also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, went to re-sign or sign the remaining glassen posters. I like that one. So if you wanted the glassen poster,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's autographed, the uh, the rest of them, I autographed the rest of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did. I offered you that. And I keep getting asked, everyone says vinyl, what about vinyl? There is going to be a vinyl release in June of Mostly Stories. So if you're waiting for vinyl, I'll announce it, a big thing then, but it is going to be in June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that'll come with a little side, little present with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, you can, here, set, tell me which voicemail it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hope so too. Uhm, I should have it here in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, uh, someone weighed in here, I think my council weighed in on the pilot blowjob offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you had your, you retained counsel, uhm, to, to negotiate with me. Right, right. So this is the email that I think your counsel received.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear Mrs. Pajitski, this is the water champ, personality champ, pretty much everything champs representation. We have picked up Mr. Segura on a pro bono basis because of said championess and such. Find that he is fully deserving of everything he wishes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now down to brass tacks. We counter propose, since the main mommy has to do something he doesn't wish to do, refrain from obtaining his piloting license.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's see what your council replies with. Now, here's what I'm thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are in the midst of negotiating for the blowjob pilot license, and we know that there's gonna be a lot of back and forth, and no one's gonna settle on the first offer. Uhm, wondering if we could throw this into the mix as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's probably because it's hard to get blowjobs out, uh, out of ladies after a long hike.


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[Assistant] Is that why? I think that, cause right, if you go like, let's go on a hike and camp and then, it's like, oof man, we just hiked all day. It's a fantasy. And you're like, hey, can I get that BJ now? And she's like, I'm tired. I'm pretty tired, I'm pretty dirty, I'd really like to, you know, can we wait till we get back to civilization? And you're like, ugh, this bitch always has a fucking excuse.


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[Assistant] That's a good point, yeaah. I guess it's that this thing, you know, you can just have it for, you don't have to call again.


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[Assistant] And there's cum just drivin' all over them. Yea, that's the solution. You might have had a crazy weekend. Jesus. Woo! Feel better though. Feel way better.


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[Assistant] Even with your sour personality, you helped that guy out.


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[Assistant] Right in, here is the real champ breakdown.


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[Assistant] Listen here, you greedy mommies. You both can't be the champs of everything. So I went and did you guys a favor and broke it down. I listened to your podcast in the car and when I get carts at Food Lion, so I got this shit.


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[Assistant] This is evident throughout the podcast, he has variety, volume, and that oh so perfect pitch. F-A-R-T champ, Christina.


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[Assistant] Listen, Tom had that one fart on the mic he did recently that was immaculate, but mommy Tina seems to have her farts down. Water champ, Tom.


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[Assistant] I shouldn't even have to explain this one. We know he drowns gallons of water every day and even Joe Rogan is a witness to his water madness.


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[Assistant] She just seems ficer. I am. She just seems nicer.


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[Assistant] But come on, Tina's always writing down notes. Thank you. And is very observant. I'm just doing it. Which is a necessity for glassing. If I miss the championship, please let me know.


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[Assistant] And I will analyze the evidence. Thanks for the show, love you mommies, keep it high, and motherfucking tight, Davis.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know. You pick up on like a nail to the head, but like you don't pick up on subtle cues, you don't pick up on little behavior, nuances of voice, of inflection, of saying this and they meant that, the look, you don't pick up on any of that.


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[Assistant] Sounds like he's in public. Sure is. Weird to make this video in public, right?


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[Assistant] And he's letting it drip on his shirt. We're listening to King Ass Ripper eat, by the way.


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[Assistant] Wow. He's just stuffing food into himself.


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[Assistant] Even the buffet. So he went to a buffet. So he's still making videos.


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[Assistant] That, I feel like that's like old now, that's just, it's not the same anymore.


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[Assistant] Somebody wrote, thanks for making me dream. I am pleased to inform you that for the first time in my entire life, I had a dream about taking a shit and it's all thanks to you.


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[Assistant] Listening to episode 392 on a long late car ride home last night, I got home, I promptly fell asleep and had a very involved dream in which I was a young, I was in a yoga class and had to make brown. The toilet was in the middle of the class for some reason and not only did the instructor


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[Assistant] I've been a lifelong toilet paper water up until today.


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[Assistant] You've gotten into my psyche inception style, and now I feel I can finally get my life. Thanks, Jeans. Caitlyn. Wow, I wasn't even expecting that to be your lady.


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[Assistant] Absolutely, uh, go to ThousandRanch.com to get tickets to see Christina, TomSegura.com for my live dates, uh, also my store is there if you want to pick up, uh, anything I mentioned, there's, uh, some-


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[Assistant] I have two bonus tracks. Really? Can you say what they're about? I recorded them in Chicago when I did the Chicago show. Where? Chicago.


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[Assistant] One is the follow up, so in the special I talk about meeting Mike Tyson.


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[Assistant] And people always gave me, like, would email me what happened next. So I tell the follow-up story.


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[Assistant] I talk about making a murderer, the, uh, your life story. Yeah, the Netflix, uh, show.


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[Assistant] So, tomsquare.com, go to the store or you can download the album if you want, or stream it, I don't know, however you do it.


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[Assistant] The glass and poster. YourMomsHousePodcast.com. Please don't forget to check that out.


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[Assistant] As always, I remind people that there is YouTube, uh, of this if you want to watch the show. People seem to not know that for some reason. And I'm always going to solicit that you write a review of the show on iTunes. So if you don't mind, just write a review of the show.


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[Assistant] Even with a sour personality, she's doing good work. Alright, uh, thanks for listening. We'll see you next week. Here is...


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[Assistant] Just drizzle in some of the included moist water-based lubricant. Slide yourself in, and you're ready to drill her like an oil rig.


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[Assistant] In addition to realistic hair, each one comes with lipstick for an even more lifelike experience.


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[Assistant] So the women practice on the egg, what do the men do? Okay, the men, the first thing they have to practicing, they were called sharpening the knife. I have an idea of what that is.


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[Assistant] Number two, you have to learn how to contracting the prostagland.


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[Assistant] Okay, so people cannot separate, and they, they, they don't know, and they squeal on the anus, that it don't work, because they're anus. So when you contract the prostate, and because,


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[Assistant] So when you contract the prostagland in the front and you feel energy activate here. So you contract and you feel here activate. Now you do it right.


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[Assistant] And now you do it until you feel orgasm. Okay, I'm gonna throw up. We call orgasm without ejaculation. Okay, oh yeaah, okay. So you feel, so you see, when you do, when you get it, it's very quick. Two, three times you get it.


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[Assistant] So you see, when you do, when you get it, it's very quick. Two, three times you get it.


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[Assistant] How often am I doing this? You have to do it everyday until you can control. Everyday. This dude can really fuck though.


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[Assistant] This is uh, this is Lord Columbus, it's called Triple Pipe Montage.


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[Assistant] You worked a lot of stuff in there, yeaah. I was really impressed. Really impressed, Gene. It's always good. How you doing?


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[Assistant] I mean it's kind of, it's throwing me off so much that my brain's processing it.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's bold. It's definitely a bold fashion choice.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's fancy. Bartonese too.


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[Assistant] I went there once, like in a, you know, in a rush. I was like, oh I need, I forget what I needed, a belt or shoes and it was one of those things where a quick stroll through the store and it's almost like they look at you like, do you really want to get that here? Like the guy was sympathetic, he's like,


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[Assistant] We have this discount one for 400 and I was like, uh, I think, isn't there another store? He's like, yeah, there's other stores. You should probably check them out.


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[Assistant] But it's for a certain people that want to do that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, it's like, I think you want, your thrill is in spending a lot. That's what you want.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, I think that's some people's rush though. Definitely, I know it's some people's rush.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you see them with the shop, you know, 10 shopping bags. You see people like that. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we should do, uh, a proper show open.


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[Assistant] I know. There's a lot to cover. Fuck. Uhm, here we go. Let's open the show. Proper like.


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[Assistant] Well, you should have checked your doubt at the door, because that's what we're up to right now.


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[Assistant] Why, cause you see Minnie Mouse in the background? That's what she is, that's her little doll in the background.


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[Assistant] Yeah. She's got a necklace that's pointing, it's dripping jizz into her titties, you know?


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[Assistant] And I just, cause I haven't seen any of this, I just noticed that those are leeches right there in that jar.


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[Assistant] You think so? Gypsy. She kind of looks like Roma. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah. How do you discover that that's what your vagina needs?


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[Assistant] She said it helps. Sensations helps everything.


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[Assistant] Yeah, very nice of you to bring that to our attention.