[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You're having, uhm, some good rain chats while you're in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, uh, my fall plans and the Delta variant. Somebody posted, touch my fall plans through the fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that is, that is his brand though. His brand is it was mother husking awesome. That's, that's right on, that's G's brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, stadium. Also, generations of people can go to his show. Like the grandparents, the parents, and the kids can go. And they have a great mother husking time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna flip the branding. So his branding is Mother Husking. Some of our branding, you could argue, would be the post that I shared of my mother and I when I told her about Norm Summerton, but I told her in Spanish about him pissing on his french fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told her during a podcast and she got so upset. I know, I laughed so fucking hard at this that like it, it broke me down. There's subtitles, they're not totally accurate, but I've watched the clip now 25 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that clip, I didn't even post the rest of it. I ended up crying. Cause I ended up, this is an old one that she appeared on. But I just, somebody sent me a clip of it the other day. I ended up telling her about when we watched the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it was the first time I puked during the show and she got so upset. And then I go and then Christina left because she can't be around puke. And then she was like, she was like begging me to stop. And I go, and it was at that moment that I wanted to meet God and tell him that this is the moment that symbolizes my life. And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was so offended. It was great. I should post the rest of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm super proud of that. About my latinx side of the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, AES. That's the new one I'm using.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy maybe has not heard about Game of Thrones. He's gotta check it out. New show, HBO Max. Very good. Very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know these days everyone's gotta see some fucking broad on everything. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy doesn't have to learn jujitsu. He's like, no, no, no, I'm good. I got this guy with me all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will. If it turned on Siegfried and Roy, then it'll turn on your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was feeding it fucking cocaine and sandwiches and diamond feathers and all kinds of gay shit and it still snapped his neck in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just came off when that Puma swiped at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely phenomenal, the emptying of my bladder. And now I'm back and as promised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the most special TikToks the internet has created by Christina P with a couple of surprises maybe in there as well. I don't know. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nice offer. What a cool-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really sweet of him. And he also expanded that age range all the way up to 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this catch is saying, you know what? I'll go up there. I want 20s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe thirties. I'll go all the way up to forty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could not get this guy. He also's got a cool eye thing going on, like the opening clip. His eyes. Got one goes this way, one goes that way. That's kinda neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they usually have a size limit for those, uh, fighter jets, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of those pilots are not like 350, 375 laying down all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't think he does. I don't think he does. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's a good question for an ophthalmologist. I think we'll reach out to one for the next show. Okay? Thank you very much. Thank you. We can move on. We can move on now. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woo, and then I think, uh, pretty soon we're going to be coming up on, uh, Chris Larson's next, uh, Instagram post. It'll be like Friday. It was a good week. Have a good weekend. Are you, are you going to party guys? I'm going to make sure you drive safe. I want you to do a really cool video like that. We're all looking forward to that. Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boundaries, guys. Boundaries. Set them up, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very, but it's kind of a sad talk because she's looking for her mommy and daddy. She's lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe her mom and daddy are where her sister are, which is down by the mountain, and she seems to go rescue all of them together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, boundaries are sexy and go into the back of your closet and get the freaky stuff out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I'm gonna keep going. I have my go-go juice here. I'm gonna keep going. And uhm, you uh, hug those boys for me. Kiss those boys. I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great Kevin Christie. Thank you very much for coming back. I would expect, I expected you to talk about, you told me right before we record you have a sticker collection. I do. You have a sticker show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I, cause you also, I assume you have like a watch collection, you know so much about watches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was talking, we were, you know, talking about it and he was just like, he was like, yeah, I don't talk about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many watches I have and where they're located because they're spread out and I've had two attempted heists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the one here where the Richard Mile one was, uh, was like in broad daylight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they caught the guy that did it? Yeaah, they caught the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and, and they, yeah, they clearly had been following someone for a while. I wanted, I wanted to know what happened with that story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here we go, three arrests, are there, can you make that text bigger for a second? Three alleged gang members, uh, arrested in the armed robbery of the $500,000 watch while he was eating lunch at an outdoor restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman, scroll a little bit. A woman was shot in the leg during the struggle. Three suspects were arrested. They were members of the Roland OG Crips South Los Angeles street gang. I've heard of them. Looks like Malik, Ty, and Marquise each face up to 20 years. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Police, uh, have not yet found the watch. Oh, really? It says the, uh, rose gold Richard Mille RM 1103 flyback chronograph, which is popular with celebrities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, I wonder if, we don't know if the person who the watch was taken from was a notable person, do we? I don't know. There's the watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the red, the one that really pops, but I mean, still when you look at that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't it sort of like a painting in a way? You know, like this is like a sculpture, you know what I mean? Like it's almost like a piece of art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's true. Yeaah. And someone's like, it's half a million dollars. Yeaah. Or in his case, that's 45 million dollars for that painting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went into, cause I had only heard about these and seen them in photos and I was in one of the Vegas casinos. Oh yea. And they have a boutique, a store of his, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the security guys start to like move forward. They're like, what do you want? I'm like to look at the watchers and they're like, they're like, okay, like this isn't a fucking, you know, a showcase. And you're like, all right. And then I'm like looking around, I'm like, what's this and what's that? And they're telling me like reluctantly telling me. And then she was like, the entry level ones over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, did you like take out your poster from your show? No, no, of course not. I was like, I'll have you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like, how much is the entry level one? Like a hundred? Yea, it was like ninety. Yea. I was like, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. You're like, I need, I need something to make my heart skip a beat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to feel that dopamine drip. I want to get that call from my business manager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's about a second home, man, just for fun, you know? Yeah, so like, you know, see-do, just like a dickhead. It must be infuriating. I know, I think I, yes, because I, I met, um, some people where I live now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, who were like, I'm a hedge fund guy. I'm a commercial real estate guy. And they're like, I was like, yeah, dicks and farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They deserve it. They deserve to feel that. Well here's a part of it that people don't realize, I think, that are not in comedy. Our goal wasn't like, oh you have to reach a certain level of success. It was that we all just didn't want to have regular jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we all had regular jobs and we were like, I am not cut out. Like every comedian started cause they're like, I don't want to do this, this office thing where, where like somebody is like barking orders at me and you know, you're asking for permission to step outside. Like I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember too being like, oh San Jose, California, like, didn't know anything. It's my first time and they're like, uh, telling me how to get there. And they're like, what's your plan for coming back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, that's why she started smoking, which we don't have to see her do it. We know she smokes a lot. She eats cigarettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's seasoning. Yea, it just unravels them. The way people eat potato chips. Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, what the fuck for? She's like, are you gonna pull my hairline back when you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't even know if those are her eyebrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still, he's, he's got, how old is he now? Just how old is Steven Seagal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking dare you. Yeah, I mean, Steven Seagal running is like one of the best YouTube clips. It's such a, there's compilations of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a joke run. It's a joke run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also for somebody that like has such an ego, you would assume that he would see that and be like, I look fucking weird running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rob Schneider. Script. Right, he did it to Rob Schneider too. Really? Yeah, Rob Schneider told that story the week that he, he told that story from when he, uh, seems to have hosted SNL. Widely regarded as the worst host ever and told the story you're going to say. So maybe he told it to both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. They said, I read a thing that said they asked who were like the worst people we've ever had host as a just, you know, showing up, going over the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I know there's one other- I watched her cooking show the other day. How was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen that uhm, the, our fans got a hold of his uh, IMDB page? No. For his movie coming out? Great. Uhm, let's see, it's in here as, what is it, the machine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, and they have been, if you look here, they put all this fake trivia up on the page for the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During filming, Bert Kreischer refused to shower and said he insisted that swimming in the pool every day would keep him clean. Cause he does shower, uh, in the pool. No, I, yeah, I know. He pool showers. Due to Bryce Kreischer, Kreischer's inability to keep his address from becoming public, it is said the production was forced shut down twice while Brandt and his mattress found new arrangements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as someone else has pointed out, multiple people now that have hung out or toured with him, they're all amazed. They're like, he really does party that hard and he really is ready to go the next morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, I started to pay attention more even after that, after his serve in the tennis game, that his hand-eye coordination really is high level. He is athletic. He's like Jeff Richards. Jeff Richards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Burt can hit a golf ball, beautifully, uh, baseball. I bet if, and I don't even know if he has any experience in this, but I saw him shoot a bow and arrow, and he did that on the Go Big show, and then he hit a bullseye, and they were like, what the fuck? I bet he could throw darts, like, I bet he could throw them very accurately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, yea I know, I know, it's fun. Well also to take, like he probably had such a good baseline. Yea, you get to above average without crying. Now you gotta, now you gotta like wake up early. Yea. And train all day. He was like, fuck this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I remember when I got to, I got to the high school I transferred to in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After the football season. So I played freshman football in Wisconsin and then I moved to Florida. And the coach...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna fucking kill one of these kids. Yeah. And he enjoyed it. I met two of the kids that he did it to and he was like, these kids were freshmen. They're like, yeah, he made me run at that dude who's a senior and the guy just fucking blew me up man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like this is so lame. You know what I actually do remember is that in fifth grade


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fifth grade, I played center and we had a quarterback. I'm sorry. Football. I thought you meant basketball. No, no, no. In football. And we had a quarterback who was like outrageously athletic, especially for a 10, 11 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we fucked people up and his dad was the coach. There's like, dad's the coach and his son's the quarterback and he would devise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was doing flea flickers and like shotgun formation. And we were dropping like 50, 60 points on teams to the point where after the game, other coaches wouldn't shake our coach's hand and, and he was just like a madman all these years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played with that kid for two years and sometimes when you, you leave someone like that, you're like, I wonder, cause that kid, he seemed like such a good athlete and player, but we're 10, 11 years old dude, like a year ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hits me up on Facebook and I was like, nah, uh, like you're, and I was like mint and I found out he got a full ride D1 but had personal problems. But he actually was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legit, like a fucking stud athlete. And you could tell when we were 10 and 11, you're like, this kid is, I mean, he was throwing fucking 40 yard bombs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best athletes who make it have to want it more than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like being a pro baseball player is like, you definitely win at life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These fucking guys, first of all, like 90% of them, nobody knows who it is. Everyone's like, I don't know who the fuck that guy is. They have like, no one knows unless you're die hard into Major League Baseball. They make these crazy salaries that are guaranteed. They play into their 40s if they're really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then at the end of it they're like, I don't know, I fucking- I got car dealership. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a couple baseball guys come to games multiple times, and every time I'm like, yea I don't watch any baseball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're the nicest guys. They're so, they're like, they come to, they've come to shows multiple times. I even, one time I did a show and these people were like, you know, can they meet you after? I was like, alright. And then when we met, they go, you're from Cincinnati? I go, yeah. They go, he played for the Reds. I go, yeah, I never watch it. They're like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's from, uh, that's like from when they were good. Okay. Right? I think Sabo was like the era of them actually getting to the World Series. For a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by him. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. I'm wearing this hat for a reason, you guys, that I'm mortified that I didn't have him's


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[Assistant] That's 4himms.com slash mom prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full deals and important safety information. Remember that's 4himms.com slash mom. Um, I got, we, I have not watched this in its entirety, but I'm excited to show it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is real. Okay. This is uh, passengers deplaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as they're deplaning a pilot decides to share his story. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially when you really drill it into an adolescent mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it a slow progression into feeling like that? Cause like for me, I was raised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to church on Sunday, and then my parents are like, are you going to church? I'm like, yeah, of course. And then as I got a little bit older, you know, they start to, they would voice their disappointment that you're not into it. Now it's fully accepted. They're like, oh, these kids are not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those that don't recall, Shadow was a subject, a model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two, two bits of information. There's a car seat behind him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, last time you were here, did I show you horrible or hilarious? So I have some new ones. These are videos where you essentially tell us, is this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrific. Or is it actually funny? Sure. So they usually are right on the line. Right, yeaah. So let's get your vote on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. He was out for a second. He was definitely out. I think he's still out. Yea, he was like, he goes, I'm alright. Here's, look, look, look, look. Isn't that great what like, humiliation does to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're two for two. Hilarious. Look! I mean- Here's the third one. You ready? Yea. Alright. What are you seeing here? Gimmick. Flip, flip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah, it definitely sucks, I mean. Are you ever gonna play basketball again, or are you traumatized? I would play basketball. Okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would do it after they, you know, obviously, not like when I think I should. I would do it after a doctor was like, you can play basketball. My doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just like, he goes, oh, you'll definitely play. And I was like, really? I go, will I play like with the same capacity that I used to? And he was like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my buddy! We went and got steaks, and I'm like, give me a break. Give me a break. No, Pat's a good guy. I like Pat a lot, actually. Very funny. Very funny. I did his show, um, way back when, when I got originally injured, and it was, it was a good time. They were good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like art. I do like art. I mean, I don't have your level of knowledge obviously about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm somebody that, like, I love, I'll go to museums, I'll go to galleries, um, I've, you know, I've purchased art that I like. That's what people should do. So, I'm a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've learned this as well, I would say the same advice about anything that's of value. Like, now, I used to be like, have a car, and then, you know, drive it. I'm like, no, I only pursue cars that I want to own for like, for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you're in the, I didn't know, you're in this book. Your portraits are in here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you have an incredible, first of all, you have a portrait of this knucklehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Add an asshole, that guy is right. He was such a goofball. He's a real goof group, that guy. Stalin? Yea. He's always goofing around. He's not a cool guy. No. Uh, but yea, that's incredible. Like the portrait man. Thanks. Yea, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that ability you have to do that is one that, you know, there's gotta be some innate ability, right, that you can refine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, cause when everybody will sketch something, especially when you're, you know, third, fourth, fifth grade or whatever. Yeah, that S, that S everybody does. Everybody's like, this, you're looking, everyone's just trash. When you look at like, Kevin's, you're like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean if I want it to be. Uhm, even when you just write, like, I can't even think of the word. There's cursive and then there's... There's cursive and then there's not cursive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even an offer, huh? No, nothing, nothing. Uhm, you wanna watch some TikToks with me? Okay. These are from Christina's Curations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I send Kristian TikToks. Oh you do? Okay. Maybe one of yours is in here. That would be pretty exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I like the confederate flag though, I gotta be honest. Yeaah. Just letting people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love cars. You love cars? And that's a, there's a very well known car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's perfect for examining his balls. Like if you're like, here's your left one and here's your right one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about my ball? Split them! Split them down the middle. You can always have one ball on each side of the seam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about like that, the scroll up? That shirtless photo of them with their arms around each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scientologist? I mean, do you follow that page, McDojoLife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so great. This is a whole world. Of lies. Of lies. Of fake martial arts instructors. And they have like, I mean, there's endless, there's endless footage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. This guy too, I keep thinking about how, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I remember that they were moving, like, you just keep showing up, I think, and paying the fees, and they just keep giving you belts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would have a red belt with a black tip. I was almost a black belt at 9. Yea, I was like a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is supposed, this is Aikido. He is an Aikido master, but this is, this is nonsense that he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. Tremendous. They're all applauding. Do you think, first of all, doesn't most of that audience like, who's this fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you feel it. Weird, black haired fat guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty some people are like, Kevin, are you Batman? And you're like, I wanna


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's out to get em. Everybody, these people all are making posts about like, you know what? Everybody out there, I know who's a friend of mine if you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, if you go on social media, you'd be like, wow, a lot of people have enemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever seen the people who, oh yea, that's, money's a big one, or the people who go, yea I've been, you know, doing a lot of work and I've had some complications, and uh, people who have not been asking, you know, a lot of people are, haven't had the time to ask me how I'm doing, well I'm doing fine. And you're like, oh, I guess you're letting people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wear a cardigan. Uhm, let's wrap this up. I want to see the video of you doing the attempted gymnastics move. Okay, yea, sure. And uhm, yea, I got something for you too. We're closing soon. Thank you Kevin Christie for coming by. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can they do like high like proficiency tattooing inside?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Bluechew. Guys, confidence can take you far in life. It can also help in the bedroom, especially when it comes time to step up to the plate. That's where Bluechew comes in. Bluechew is a unique


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[Assistant] Bluetooth.com. Consult with one of their licensed medical providers. Once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part is done online. So you don't have to go to a doctor's office. You don't have to park. You don't have to sit in the waiting room. You don't have to wait it out. You just get there. Uh, online have the consultation and you're ready to go.


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[Assistant] So if you could benefit from extra confidence when it comes time to perform, Bluetooth can help.


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[Assistant] And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try BlueChu free when you use our promo code MOM at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's BlueChu.com promo code MOM to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChu for sponsoring the podcast. Ladies,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bluetooth is exclusively for men, but the end result is something you'll both enjoy, so get your man to sign up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva.com. You know we've been huge, long time fans of Satva and it continues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To this day, we've had all their products, we've enjoyed them all, and you should too. Uh, if you wanna sleep comfortably,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much almost makes you a coffee. You get a Solair. They're fantastic. They have incredible customer service. They have mattress takeaway service. You get rid of your trash mattress and get on a Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whatever time you're watching, welcome to your mom's house, U Chomo. I'm here, of course, with my beautiful co-host.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And zooming in from Austin Tejas is her fill in, Christina P. Hi, Christina. Hi, Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately they are, they're our pants, but your mouth is just how we want it, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Unkshine. Him and, I think him and, uh, uhm.


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[Assistant] Ed, as, you know, Leo, those are my two favorite guys of the past year. I was thinking about that the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's the best. He's my favorite. It just, it doesn't, I don't know, it doesn't stop, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Becoming, you know, it doesn't stop like entertaining me. It doesn't stop like, you know.


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[Assistant] Hot. So it's so off from flirting. I have no problem swallowing. It's so just direct. And I love that it, I love that it upsets people. I think, you know, I love that people go like, uh, like that really always gets to me, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was best. That was great. Yeah, Cobra's great. I mean, you know, all these guys have an open invite, by the way, to come on the show, you know, just so it's clear. Cobra, Leo, unfortunately has passed right now. God is telling him. That's where it spits. So, but, uh, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, yea. I think he's like, hey God. That's my hole. And then they're just seeing where it goes. But, uh, Unc Shine, I think it would be difficult to get him here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he's got a fear of it, but I think it would be hard to coordinate. But I still, I am still open to the idea of visiting Unkshine. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to bring hoes to Unkshine. Like who-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who know, like, hey, here's the, here's what's gonna happen.


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[Assistant] I don't think regularly, but I mean, I know it's happened before. I'm sure it happens sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. There's somebody out there that finds that really charming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is somebody I'm looking forward to spending time with and feels like what you're saying is kind of disrespectful.


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[Assistant] God, I thought you were gonna be like, and then she just vomited all over the fucking table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A worn job would ever smell good, right? Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine. I think it probably still smells like old nuts.


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[Assistant] I mean, everybody knows what their nuts smell like and you're never like, this is probably apatite. Yeah, it's never good, but you're right. You're right. I'm being such a cis gendered fucking straight guy. Sorry. Sorry.


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[Assistant] Like a soul sniff? You can. You can. Can I tell you something? You're not going to like it.


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[Assistant] But maybe you're right, maybe that is actually just the male, cause I, as a man, you're right, like a stinky, like a stinky part on a woman can still be arousing cause it's a, so yea, I'm just being, I'm being super hetero and I apologize.


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[Assistant] There you go. Alright, let's do the opening clip. Ready? Heeeere you go.


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[Assistant] Somebody clearly had cut this guy off, and then he documents himself, himself, yelling, uh, and he's missing quite a few teeth, and uh, it's just full rage about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you almost hit me. And he's, he's yelling, even though for sure the person who did it.


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[Assistant] Which also I don't think is a thing. I don't think you can run over a car in another car.


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[Assistant] It kind of begs the question, do you need the top teeth? Do you need them?


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[Assistant] But I mean, if you just have tops or bottoms, you're, you're gonna have problems, you know? You know, cause this isn't good for smiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But neither one's gonna help you eat if you just have one. You need- Can I get one on the bottom so I can just-


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[Assistant] He's a bad son of a bitch. You know, I done on purpose try to run over my car. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well, there's a lot, there's a lot wrong. By the way, uh, you're an author, you're an author right now, uh, is it hot? How you liking how hot it is?


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[Assistant] Scott the other day comes to work on the house in Austin, he goes, uh,


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[Assistant] You think it's hot? And I go, yeah. And he goes, you think it's hot now? It'll get hotter. And I was like...


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[Assistant] Got it. He goes, you know what, what, you know what we say in Texas?


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[Assistant] I go, what? He goes, if you don't like the weather right now, just wait a few minutes.


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[Assistant] And what will happen? It'll change. Yep. And I'm like, yeah, you mean the way weather does everywhere, how it's not the same every day. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it's hot? It's gonna get hotter. Okay.


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[Assistant] And it happens everywhere the same way. And weather always changes. There's this one thing that you can count on and it's that it won't be the same weather every day wherever you live all year. It'll change all the time. It's weather.


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[Assistant] Like, what the fuck, man? You know, I remember how it rained yesterday. It ain't raining today. Yeah. Yep. I picked up on that. They say it might rain tomorrow, but it might not. Cool, man. That is pretty cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I bet you couldn't believe that today it was cool and tomorrow is going to be warm.


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[Assistant] Okay, but I'll definitely be here. And they're like, that's on you. A lot of us get out of here in the summer. I'm like, all right, man.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I gotta tell you, so I got on a flight the other day and I have, I have been a touring comedian, like on planes every week since


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2006. So we're going on, what, 15 years? And even before then, I flew, you know, I'm a traveler, I've traveled all over the world.


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[Assistant] I've been on, I don't know how many flights, thousands of flights and I, it just never stops. I saw something I have never seen before. I saw a woman board a flight in a bikini, not just


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[Assistant] A bikini, but a bikini top that barely, and I mean barely covered her nipples. And I was like, like if I hadn't had a mask on, she would have seen me go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, hahaha, I'm ready to laugh, show me your boobs. Uhm, yeaah. So, I mean, as soon as I saw them, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they were big fakers. She had big fakers. And uh, she had like...


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[Assistant] Like that type of this fabric, this size fabric over her nipples, you know? Like where it was just covering it, which were hard, you could see that they were hard. And I was just like...


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[Assistant] And then, you know, she had like beads, like a sexy beads around her neck. And then she had a waist cover.


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[Assistant] I mean, I thought they were gonna say something on, on the plane, like, hey lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would have been fun. I would have been so happy to be seated next to her because I just would have had to have been like, you look great.


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[Assistant] I love your outfit. You look beautiful today. Oh thank you.


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[Assistant] The, uh, tank top, like dudes, like in their arm, they reach out, you see their armpits.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, she wasn't on a bike, she was walking.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she was just walking, so we're leaving the garage, and she's walking down the garage, uh, you know, the egg, like the, the ramp. Ramp. Yeah.


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[Assistant] She was walking down in her bikini top and her jean shorts and I was like, and she had a small bikini on. And so as we drove up, I go like this to her, I go. And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where was I? Where did I see her board that flight? I've been on so many planes, I don't remember.


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[Assistant] I just remember that I just could not. No, it wasn't on the flight to Vegas. It was leaving LA. It was leaving LA on a flight.


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[Assistant] She was like, fine. You weren't like, oh my god, what a smoke show. It was more like, I cannot believe that this is what you're wearing. I mean...


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[Assistant] And you have to understand that rap thing was like a barely rap, and it was only for the waist. Her top is fully exposed. Everything. It's wild. You know? It's wild. It was one of the coolest, best things I ever saw in my whole life.


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[Assistant] You know, I don't, we don't really have that much time with you, so I thought maybe if you were open to it, uhm...


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[Assistant] So this is your scoot scoot that you're scooting around in, right here.


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[Assistant] I got you my camera through the fence, you faggot. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to show the photo of the, the, the bone out of the joint or what do you want to show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, so there's the uhm, you can see that, you can see the fibula broken on the right side of the screen, and then you can see that the dislocation, see the big bone that's out of the socket there, so they had to put


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back into the socket, and then they had to surgically repair the uh, fractured fibula there at the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at the top too, they set it back. At the top you were lucky in that they didn't have to adjust, you had a second fracture, it was smaller, but the bone never moved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were like, we're just gonna let it sit and it'll just fuse back together at the top of your fibula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so your bone was out of the socket, right? So they had to put that back in, right? So that's not a break, but that's a dislocation. Then your fibula broke in two spots. Same bone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upper and lower. The lower break was more significant. So that's where they had the screws and the plates. The upper fracture was small, but the bone never shifted there. So they just let it, they let it set as is. They didn't put anything on it and they go, it's just going to fuse back together.


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[Assistant] So there's uh, yeah, that's what you're, that's what's going on. It's the hardware on the inside now.


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[Assistant] That guy has, that guy has super traumatic injuries from that. I mean, it might be complete and total reconstruction of his lower body.


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[Assistant] I would say that his knees, possibly ankles, hips, maybe his femur, like he is fucked. And it is one of the craziest things to think you can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, please write down that I need you to text me that video because I want to send it to my doctor. I want to be like, hey man, you think this guy's alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel the same way about, uh, covid, you know, 19 virus. Cause I had it and I'm like, it's not that big a deal. Alright, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. These are all, of course, if you don't know Christina's curations. I don't know any of these. I haven't seen them yet. Here we go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the singles ad is one of my favorite things. And yeah, and he wants a woman that's not going to screw him over, which is always a, it's a good way to like meet somebody. Are you going to screw me over? Okay.


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[Assistant] Okay, so uhm, thank you for flagging that. It's a really interesting guy.


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[Assistant] He's got all his chakras are aligned and all the weirdness in his head has gone away because he's got his cool helmet on. So that's good. Jesus Christ, babe.


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[Assistant] If Jesus really did that to me, I'd be, I would be in church every Sunday, I promise.


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[Assistant] You know? Wouldn't you? If you could get that.


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[Assistant] That's Jesus right there. It's an audio clip of Jesus. Uhm, here we go.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think he's speaking from experience. I don't think it's like a philosophy on the world that he's always carried. I think this, this reads to me like I lived with some chicks that fucked shit up for me. So that's why it's a bad idea now.


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[Assistant] You know, I don't know, I don't know if I would get married again. I mean, I figure you got a couple years, but I feel like, I think I might just, you know, what's that face for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you're gonna live a couple more years, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Five years from now, you're long gone. It's like, what am I going to do? I figure, I figured I would see somebody, but yeah, I don't think I'm not going to be like, Hey, move in, you know? So yeah, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think you would do? You think you're gonna, uh, remarry or just live with- would you live with somebody else?


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[Assistant] And just bang dudes on apps. That's who you are. You're a, you're a, you're a dude banging app chick.


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[Assistant] I can see Nadav nodding along, he's into it. He likes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An orthodox anything is not of interest to me. Yeah. I want someone who's like, Hey, I have this, these crotchless bikini bottoms on. That's more my speed, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like I covered my collarbone. Like this chick's definitely not munching scrum, if you know what I mean.


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[Assistant] So we go from the J's to the C's and we, uh, two really cool examples.


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[Assistant] If you go to this type of church, can you imagine how fucked your brain is? Like you hear this shit and you have to be like, Oh, so no more looking at girls in pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, we should, we should definitely explore this more. Let's pull this clip.


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[Assistant] Well Jean, that's it. Uhm, really fun batch of talks. Thanks for pulling those for today. I enjoyed it. You got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we miss you here. Uhm, you may be, you're going to be doing the remote thing for a minute, but then maybe pretty soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be on one of these trips out here and then hopefully, um, uh, we'll have our Austin studio up and ready in a couple, I don't know, a month or two or something. I don't know. Every time I, every time I, every time I asked, they're like, yeah, no, it's, they're working on it. Okay. But you like, you're right. It's super hot. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might be too hard to fucking fix it right now. Okay? Uhm, that's it, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Squarespace. Uh, we thank Squarespace for supporting us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have built many websites using Squarespace. And who are you if you don't have a website? You can use it for your cool business. You can use it to publish your work. Are you a photographer? Are you a writer? An author? You want to publish something you wrote?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, uh, your thoughts on the environment or MMA and you want to write it out, make a website. You want to throw a party. You want to have an event. Have a website. You want people to hire you because you're a massage therapist. Have a website. Go to Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Showcase your work, sell your products, promote your physical, uh, or online business. They have beautiful templates created by world class designers. Of course it's optimized for mobile right out of the box. Here's all you gotta do. If you want a website right now, you head to squarespace.com slash mom.


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[Assistant] For a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, you use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


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[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Policy Genius. Tis the season to grill, chill, and see if you're overpaying for home and auto insurance. Policy Genius is a free and easy way to look for cash savings you might be missing out on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thrills don't have to stop when the fireworks end. Keep the rush going by seeing how much you could save on home and auto insurance. While you're layering on the SPF this summer, don't forget to protect your property too. Policy Genius can help you find ways to bundle your home and auto insurance and save on coverage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Policy genius makes it easy to compare home and auto insurance in one place. They can help you find home and auto insurance similar


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[Assistant] You just head over to PolicyGenius.com, answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property, and then PolicyGenius takes it from there. They compare prices from all the big companies and they'll help you switch over when you're ready to do so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to policygenius.com to get started right now. Policygenius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back and so is our guest for the second time. Super happy to welcome back this guest who you can check out his podcast every Monday, George Perez stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Que pasa? Que onda wey? Uhm, yeah dude, it was, your appearance is one of our favorites ever. And I was thinking about this, even when you got here, we were talking about how, you know, with COVID and the pandemic, everybody had to take time off. It was that weird thing, like, if you don't know this about standups, basically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you can take like five days off a week and you're fine. Usually like if you haven't done a show in a couple weeks, that first time, it feels a little weird, you know, like a little weird. Like maybe you fuck up a set up or something, cause you haven't done stand up in a few weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you get to like, for me personally, like three weeks or something, that was like the longest I'd ever taken off before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet, no, that I would feel the same fear. Cause it is scary when you have, when you feel like, do I even know how to do this anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. How did it go? Like did it go? Did it go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't go as bad as it could have gone, right? It went bad. It did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes somebody, people ask me, they're like, are you nervous? Like when you go up there and I kinda go like, well nervous? I don't think I'm nervous. I do think the bigger the show, naturally your nerves grow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes you're like, I got some, like some butterflies, you know, this is like some really big venue or something. And it's always that thing where as soon as you get that first laugh, it's like, it's like everything dissipates and you're like ready to do it. But until that, or like if you're nervous, if you feel those butterflies and you say something and it doesn't get a laugh, those nerves grow a little bit and you're like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this dude, he definitely doesn't get laid on his own. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and even your brain is telling you, this person is basically, in a way, fucking with me, but it's enjoyable. This is an enjoyable way that you're fucking with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, fuck. Yeah, I guess you're right. It is like, if someone's, if, sometimes you know that somebody is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you ever have the, like a street, like a dude on the street, like, spittin', like, you wanna buy this, like, he's, he's hustlin'? Uh huh. Sometimes your brain goes like, nah, get the fuck away from me. But if it's like a charming, like a funny guy or somethin', you know someone's fuckin' with you. Yeah. And you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, like, something happens where I think your brain just goes like, this is, there's a pleasurable experience happening at the same time. You know, like, it's like a salesman thing. Sometimes someone's trying to sell you, and that's what a stripper essentially is, she's a salesman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's halfway there, man. Yeaah, but it's all good. Man, kind of, all this talk of strip clubs makes me want to go. You guys want to go to a strip club after this? Sure! Oh, he was right on that. Were you ever like a strip club dude? I've gone, the, the most fun I ever had at a strip club was with a group. Like a group outing, you know, so I did, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most fun was like with a group of college friends and it was for somebody's bachelor party. Where was this at? We did it twice. One of the guys in North Carolina, one of the guys in South Florida. South Florida ones are wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what made it hilarious is that the guy that was getting married, we got the brokest, most busted, tore ass, like just nobody would ever want to see this person. You wouldn't even want to see her in a dress, let alone naked. We were like, put it on them. Like we gave her like 500. We're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Defeated look on his face, and we were just dying laughing, you know? Cause it was, cause we kept giving her money, like go back to him, and he was like, fuck it, stop. He's like, I got skin marks. Yeah, it was terrible. That shit was the most fun. I didn't ever go, I went once alone on the road and I felt so depressed being there alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I still think it'd be fun to do the group outing. I also don't feel like the strip clubs are that big a deal though. Like, uh, like for, I get that like some wives would do that. I don't think my wife would be like, I'm going to storm into the club. Like I'd be like, what are you doing? Yeah. Like what dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, do you like your fucking car? Get back in it, get out of here, you know? Thank you. Thanks. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you, where's the bet, like have you been to a South Florida one? No. Cause people, cause I tour so much they always ask that and I go, my experience, really the only ones I really know are a couple LA ones I've been to. And South Florida, South Florida ones are way cooler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like uhm, the thing that got me, I, I, I told somebody that when I first got to LA, I'm like 22, and I had friends from college, we moved here together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so we're like, let's go to this, uh, strip club, I think on sunset. That's called the body shop. Sorry. And we walked in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was used to those like Miami Lauderdale ones that are like INSANE and it's alcohol, everyone's fully naked and they're crazy. They're cra- and they're open till like 7 and like, you just, you walk out of those places as the sun comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times have you had, like, so you know how you were in TJ, and those dudes, they're like, see you with your shirt off, and they're like, hey, fool, like, who are you, or whatever, star shit? Uh huh. Has that happened a bunch of times to you? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tattoos are so po- you know, did I tell you the story about the dude that I worked with that had like cholo, like gangbanger tattoos, but he wasn't in the game? Oh, that's a no-no. And you know what happened to him though? He got his karma back at him. He got a DUI, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which you think, okay, so we got, when he got his DUI, he got, he got taken to towers downtown. That's no joke. That's no joke. And the sheriff there, when they're like, you know, processing them, they're like, cause so he's half Mexican and he's half Irish, but he looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like genetically. He's got all these crazy tats because he's trying to look hard, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're processing them and they're like, are you uh, Sureño? He just says one of them, you know, like, you know, sureño or whatever. And they're like, all right, get over there. You fucking being like, right. He's like, they're super racist, right? Like the, the, the sheriff's calling you pecker with just like everyone's broken down by race and they send them to the gymnasium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's of course in a full panic for a number of reasons. One of which is that he has lied and said that he's like running with this group of people basically. And he's got a DUI. He thinks he's gonna be in a holding for like a few hours and release.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is day one, he just got in, uh, one of the inmates in that, uh, gymnasium goes up to a female guard and punches her in the face. It's on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full on riot followed by full on lockdown of the entire twin tower jail. He's like absolute mayhem, right? The worst possible thing that could happen to you on date, especially if you're not cut out for this shit, right? So he's like, oh fuck. So he's still thinking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm in here for DUI, so I'll be released here in, in a, you know, a few hours or something. But I mean, it's an investigation going on now. Full investigation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He co- he thinks he can just go up to like, you know, like you're at fucking Starbucks. I talked to the manager, so he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, hey, he, he goes up to a guard and he's like, uh, hey guard, and he goes, hey, you fucking bean, like writes, like tells him, he's like, fuck off, you fucking beaner. He's like, what the fuck? Like he's trying to say, like, I think I shouldn't. I'm Irish. Yeah, yeah. They're like, shut the fuck up, beaner. Like, and just keep walking. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess how long he stays in jail. Two weeks. Wow. Two weeks. Did they get him with the riot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't get him with that. What happened was he would, he would try to talk to people, like the guards and everyone he said would just be like, shut the fuck up. Like, and just be like fully racist to him. Like the guards just spitting at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he goes, I haven't shit now in those two weeks, not one shit. And I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, every time I would go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would drop my pants and sit down and if anybody walked in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shouldn't even be here, man. And, and then they released him. And then his dad, who he, his dad is not, his mom's Mexican, the dad's not. Dad was like, where the fuck have you been? And he's like, I was on vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all of this is basically because he has crazy tats that he shouldn't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, okay. And it's all by somebody that somebody knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's crazy that- Chola MacGyver's everywhere. Chola MacGyver's, but like, it's also amazing how adaptive human beings are. Oh yeaah. You put them in and you're like, there's nothing here. And people come out fully inked up like, the fuck, how'd you get all inked up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy, you know what I mean? Like, if you think that it can't happen, and those look like, you know, like you got them in a shop, man. Yeah, no, people be like, who did that? I was like, oh, that's sleepy, he's dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was done on the inside? Yeah. That's fucking crazy. That's crazy, man. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For us, it was, remember the Gettlebird Ask You? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey yo, the one time's here. Yeah. So I was, yeah, it was weird. So that's crazy, dude. That's wild. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, some of those guards probably, I mean- Some of them don't give a fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This summer, get the most out of your travels abroad by learning the language of your destination with Babbel. The number one selling language learning app from ordering in restaurants or asking for directions to gaining a deeper understanding of the culture. Babbel makes the whole process of learning a language addictively fun and easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitesize lessons you can actually use in the real world. Babel is a can't miss travel essential.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babbel's 15 minute lessons make it the perfect way to learn a new language on the go. Other language learning apps use AI for their lesson plans, but Babbel lessons were created by over 100 language experts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can learn so many languages with Babbel. You can choose from 14 different languages. It's incredible. Right now save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash mom. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash mom for up to 65% off your subscription. Babbel language for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by our partner, Whoop. We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try to sleep better, eat better, live healthier lives, especially with summer coming up and beach season around the corner. We don't always know how our body is feeling, how long to work out for, or how much sleep we need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoop is a fitness track device that helps you solve those questions with its built-in coaching features. They have a sleep coach, which I'm a huge fan of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It keeps track of how well you've been sleeping, how deeply you've been sleeping, and most importantly, how much sleep you need. And it'll tell you, hey, you've got to get to bed within an hour from now, and you need to get this much sleep. If you're going to function well tomorrow, and especially if you're going to put strain on your body, which you obviously want to do, it lets you know when you're recovered, it lets you know when it's time to push it. You can't figure this out with anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, if you've been thinking about giving Whoop a shot, there's no better time than today. You can save 15% off a Whoop with the code YourMom. Go to Whoop, W-H-O-O-P dot com. Use code YourMom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery strain and sleep insights from Whoop. Do you know who uhm, Adriana Chechik is? No, who's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a really, really cool porn star. Oh, I think I do now. Yea, you do. Yea. She's pretty great. And, uh, we played a clip of her, uh, talking about her work coming up one week. Do you know what that, what that clip is called so I can show it first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we played this, and we were just like laughing about it, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So pretty cool, right? Hold on, what the fuck's a DP?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So we played this and we were like, this is amazing, you know, but it's just funny that that's, that's her weekend, right? DP Friday, DP Saturday, DP Sunday. Boy, girl ain't like, god damn. We were just laughing about it and thought it was a funny clip. And then somebody sent us in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Adrian, I want to say that uhm, uh, if Christina breaks her other leg, I'm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably outside of what people's, uh, thought, you know, would be, opinion would be on somebody from that industry. Just outgoing, gracious, like really cool, really nice. They've always been really, really friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the part that really takes it to another level is when people start doing drugs. That partying all hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming here is like, let's have fun, let's talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, everyone's, but like, if you're in that party atmosphere, that's a different thing. Cause that's when everyone's demons come out. If you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, you know, I haven't done that. I've never done coke actually. No way. Never. Cause I OD'd when I was 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On GHB and I took a bunch of it. I drank a bunch and took pills. I ended up in a coma and what I always say is that I was on the natural path of like trying things, like experimenting more, but because it's such a traumatizing thing to OD, you kind of go, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm good. I'll just stop with that. You know what I mean? So why were you doing so much GHB because it's a fucking depressed and shit. No, I was, I was partying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was having fun with it. I'd started it, I started doing it as a senior in high school because it started to get big in Florida. You do it in caps, huh? Bottle cap. Okay. Yep, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, you take, it would, this would be the GHB, and you go like this, and you're like, woah woah woah that's too much!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, feel good, like yeah, tingling throughout your body. And you're high, you're just high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feeling good, hi. Your eyes, you know, they don't turn red. You don't, your breath doesn't smell like, it's like, you felt like it was a cheat code, especially if you're in high school, cause you're like, kids would smoke weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During lunch, but then you could tell, or if they drank, you could tell because you know, you smell or you're starting to act belligerent or something. So it was like this like cheat code thing. I felt like a friend of mine was the first one to bring it to school. And I was like, I don't know. I tried it and I was like, Oh, this is great, man. At school, at school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drank way too- So, it's the stupidest thing. I've told this story, but I- My bad. No, no, no! I'm telling you. So-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my freshman year in college, right? And Thanksgiving, most of the time, if you're a freshman especially, all college kids, or most college kids, but especially freshmen, you're going home for the first time probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From, like, if you go away to college. I got you now. Cause it's Thanksgiving weekend, right? And so, and it's also, you're seeing everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, I'll have some later, but I have ecstasy, you know, and I was like, okay. And I take a pill and like 10 minutes later, I'm like, yeah, I don't feel it. And he's like, yeah, dude, chill out. Like you got, it's going to take a minute to kick in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I start drinking and I start just knocking, I was drinking screwdrivers. I remember just sucking them down, you know, and I've had, you know, three or four and I get to the net cause we left one party. We go to the next party. I drink a few more. I'm starting to get buzzed, but I don't have that like high feeling. And so I hit him up. I was like, Hey, what's up with that GHB? And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, meet me by the car in a few minutes. So I go out there and I sit in his car and I'm thinking like, oh great, I'm going to do a hit and I'm going to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine. First of all, I should tell you this. They tell you from the very first time you do GHB, they're like, do not drink on this. Because it's a fatal combination. Ohhhh. Alcohol, because it's basically like an anesthetic. Okay. So you really should not drink alcohol on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I get in the car with him and he hands me a gallon milk jug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, seven bottle caps worth or something. And so that's really was. And you're on ecstasy. And I'm on ecstasy and I've now I'm up to like, I don't know, 10 drinks or something. So I have like a great 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know where I'm like walking around the park, I'm like, what's up man? And people are like, you're always in a good mood. I'm like, you know it. So, you know, I go through the party and then I just, uh, I still remember I sit down on this patio. I have a girlfriend and she sits on my lap and I just remember passing out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I remember. And then, uh, when I wake up, I've got tubes in my throat, I'm restrained, you know? And, uh, I found out later that the only reason that I made that I lived is because my sister was at that party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister was like, uh-uh. So she's the one that called the ambulance. But like, if she hadn't, I'd definitely be dead. Damn. Yeah. All from like, all because I didn't want to be rude with too much GHB in my mouth. Like I should have been like, you know, but I've, yeah, I've never overdosed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also feel like if that hadn't happened to me, like let's say I just got high, I'm sure I would have gone back to school and like, you know, college is one of those things that you want to try this. All right. But then what happened was I went back to school and I was like, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then eventually I started telling like my friends and then, you know, people found out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I bet when a cop sees you, they're immediately like, alright, put your fucking, like, all their red flags go off, right? They see tats, they're like, oh, this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a fuck. I did know a cop who told me one time he goes, uh, he said that what irritated him the most on like a pullover, like a simple traffic stop, is being lied to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, he goes like, uh, if I go, uh, you got weed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, yeah, I'll be like, alright. He goes, but if you say no, and I find weed, then I get pissed. That's happened to me before. They find a gun in my car once. That's different than weed, but go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when you said, you said your friend who was convulsing, he's like, hey, don't call, I have a warrant. Do warrants ever expire or do they just stay forever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, unlike, uh, a bench warrant does not expire. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well that's good to know. So your friend definitely should not call an ambulance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The law enforcement officer takes you into custody without an arrest warrant. You probably committed a crime that was observed by the officer. Okay. If you know da da da. I'm trying to see if it's an arrest warrant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, scroll down a little bit here. Close that thing on the right if you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in California, arrest warrant has been issued for you. Consult a criminal defense attorney. You will need an attorney's help if you are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Named in a bench warrant, so called because it comes from the bench, meaning it has come from a California judge. Unlike a warrant for someone's arrest, a bench warrant is not necessarily linked to a criminal activity. Bench warrants may be issued for failing to appear as scheduled in court, failing to pay a court,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They told me I had, uhm, a warrant one time when I, uh, yeaah, I was calling to something, DMV, whatever, and they were like, oh, you got a ticket, I got a speeding ticket in Irvine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've never been arrested, huh? No, never been arrested. Never. Oh wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have the look of a bad boy to me, dawg. Really? Most people, I've been told that I look like military. And people have been like, oh, when I was in high school, I would transfer schools, we moved a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People would be like, how old are you, man? And I was like, what? I'm like 14. And they're like, you look older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they were like, are you a narc? People always thought I was like, I was like, what? No, I'm a fucking 14 year old kid. We had a narc at our school. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. We had a dude who was 20 on our high school football team who was also fucking people up and we were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're 20, and then we found he's just dumb. He was held back. He was like a grown ass man, you know, fucking up 16, 20 as it can fuck up a 16 year old kid, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause these look like grown ass men, like dudes had beards and shit, you know, and we were like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, like just grunt, but here's the thing. We beat them and we beat them every year. It's a structure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't have any discipline. They didn't know how to run plays and we've, you know, it made sense because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they don't know who's going to be there on even Friday for the game. So it's like, some kids are there Wednesday, not there Thursday. So it was always a mess, but you saw the kids and you're like, Oh my God. Cause they looked like grown ass men. I mean, some of them were like that kid on our team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Held back, you know, three times and shit. Like they're big dudes. Dude, we, we had to play a modern day. You played modern day? Yeah. That's right. They fucking beat, they used to beat the shit out of us. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a, if you followed high school football, it was nationally reported on. It would be on USA Today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean, I knew about it because I would always read that USA Today would do the top 25 high school teams in the nation every week. And so it was cool because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would, you know, you would learn about, and then there was, sometimes, you know, there'd be Florida schools, you'd be like, oh, this is a school that's one of the best in the country right here. And then there were schools that were always in it, like year after year after year, and modern day is one of them. Yep. Modern day would be on that list every year. Everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a couple California schools that were regularly on it. And then there's always a couple Texas schools and there's always like three or four at least high school or Florida high schools that had like, and you know, you would follow, if you followed those schools, you would see that they produced


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, lined up across from me. He had a full beard. Not like this, but like a bushy ass. We're in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he reached with his hand in the dirt and with the other hand, he picked up grass out of the ground and he put it in his mouth and he goes, I eat grass, white boy. And he started chewing grass and I was like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Olympics, Euros, baseball, major championships and concerts are all in this summer. You know what isn't? A wild and hairy bush. Tame your pubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With help from our friends at Manscaped, the leaders in below the waist grooming. Their fourth generation performance package includes the brand new Lawn Mower 4.0. If an athlete treats their body like royalty, why not treat your pubes like Olympic gold?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do right by your balls and join the 2 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped by going to manscaped.com slash mom for 20% off and free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is absolutely incredible. The LaMora 4.0 has a 7,000 RPM motor. A new multi-function on-off switch can engage a travel lock and gives you the ability to turn the 4,000K LED spotlight on and off when needed so you can see where all the hairs are around your balls and asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off plus free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off plus free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. Achieve pubic glory this summer with Manscaped. This is crazy too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one cool thing about New York, you really get to see shit like that every day. I got a weird vibe in New York. Yeah? Yeah, it's like- They're not used to se-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First time? Was that your first time? Yeaah. It's a wild city though, right? Like to get, I remember the first time you go to Manhattan and you're just like, holy, like the buildings and like the way that city is laid, it's so different than like an LA city, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one, uh, guy I worked with here, who, he had, he had run the streets for a while, now he was working as a post-sup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got back and he was like, yeah, that shit sucked, man. And I was like, what? Like, where did you go? He was like, uh, I stayed in Spanish Harlem. And I was like, and where did you go? And he's like, just there. I was like, yeah, you didn't fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot to take on. It's a lot. For three days, it was a lot. Yeah, I feel like, I mean, New York's the kind of place where, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such, there's so much to do and so much to see that you either gotta pick, you know, one area to explore or you gotta spend time there. And like, you know, it's best to obviously either go with or meet up with somebody who's from there or lives there and let them show you around. But it offers so much. That city offers so much. Yeah, it's a, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] America, baby. Yeah, it's America, baby. Uhm, we have this segment we do, uh, called Horrible or Hilarious. Should I just show you a clip? Okay. And you tell me whether this is terrible or funny. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did that shit on purpose. He wasn't even trying to land. He didn't even try to land. I also feel like this is one of those things where you're acting like you're okay, but like you can taste your fucking the back of your throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's in pain for days after this. Yeaah. Uhm, aw man. This is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just realized I have it. I gotta send you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sending this to, uh, to Unidog. Cool, you're emailing this? No, I sent a text to you. Cool, uh, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so this has been like, super viral, and it's perfect for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you can pull it up on that one in a moment. Yeah, just give me a second. Yeah. Uhm, god damn. That was, that was both horrible and hilarious. Yeah. That's kind of messed up. Cause he hit her. Yeah. And also where, like where is he? Like it's like he tried to hit her. It looks like it. How do you accidentally do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He drove up on a sidewalk, on the grass, right to the spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. Uuuh. That leg is toast. Okay. You hear the snap? I think it snapped down the middle of it. It's a big snap. It's a big snap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of my favorite things I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check this out. Uhm, this was a- give it with the audio though, okay? Okay. That one, that screen over there. Look at this guy. He just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude. But also, what's he thinking? Being like, I'll just jump from the roof. Fuckin' think he is. Spider-Man? Yeah, man!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That probably ripped his ass open. Dude, I think he has full full reconstruction of his entire lower body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hyper-extended, knees just snapped, ankles, hips, yeaah. Let's see, cause I just texted it to my doctor that repaired me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said he's gonna need a whole lower body reconstruction and he goes, all the terrible things. That's what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, definitely send us and the crazier the better. Oh yeah. Yeah. I don't even know. I bet I don't with you. I bet there's some real wild shit. I'll be like, I thought I seen some crazy shit and then George sent me some stuff. Fuck man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know I've been fucking with Garth Brooks for a while. I've seen that, and I, uhm, why is he hating on you? So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to his Instagram page and you look at the comments, all the comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen to this show. Like, I don't know if you can make that bigger. I can't really see it there, but, you know, like, oh, I got to write one, but, you know, it says like free sagura and it says like, I got a DUI baby and it's normal size. Like, you know, all these things that are from our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I started talking about that. And so, uhm, people started writing about it more. Then people started making, uh, photoshops of me as Garth Brooks. So they started, like they put me on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's all these different ones here that like, let's see, this guy, one was made by, uh, from Ali it looks like, one from Casey, this one here is from, uh, the Cool Guy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He brings it for sure. Um, yeah, who made this one? This is, uh, from Technocrat made Tom Cigaro. These are all me photoshopped onto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, we always have fun with Garth because, you know, he deserves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he like want to fight you or anything? Secretly I hope he does, but publicly he doesn't acknowledge. Even though one of our fans got to ask him a question, uh, and they said something about your mom's house, and he goes, what'd you say about my mom? And that's where it ended. That was when he was doing the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's big, but you're big. Yeah, he's a big dude. He's a big dude. I heard that. Yeah. So, but I'm injured, you know, I'm still recovering. So I think in a fight right now I would have to be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I would love for you to do? What this guy does. I found, this is a clip, so this guy's whole thing is that people tell him bad news, and then he delivers it for them. And I bet, I would love for you to do this. So this, check out this clip of this guy, cause it'd be funnier coming from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, that's crazy. It's such a cop-out way to, like the girl, you tell em, but it is a good service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does he get it out there that he's the guy that'll do that? You know what I mean? Like how does he advertise that he's the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. Me too, man. Who the fuck likes standing in goddamn line? It's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TSA is another one too. I've ever seen them congregate and they're like, in a little circle talking and you're like, this line is fucking 50D. You see them just like, and then when I see one laugh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you guys chatting it up? Just having a little story time right now? You don't see there's 50 people waiting to go through this? One time I pulled out my, uh, phone and recorded them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. Yeah, yeah. And the one lady's college, she goes, please don't record us. And I was like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll put it away. Why can't you record them? I guess you legally can, but she was just like, I don't want to be recorded and I was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, I was flying, I think it was from Canada to the US. First class? Well, funny you say that because it was a company called WestJet. And when I was at the counter, she said, do you want to upgrade? I said, yeah. And how much is it? I don't know what it was. Let's say a hundred bucks or whatever. Upgrade. All right. I upgraded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I got into the line for first to go through security and they had like US agents because you're going into the US. So the lady goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in the wrong line. And I go, how's that? She's like, this is for first class. And I go, I just upgraded because that's literally the language they use. And she goes, she's like, does this look like, and she started like being like really, yeah. And like in front of everybody and I was like, I just paid for an upgrade. What did I upgrade to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, I don't know what you upgraded to, but you're in the wrong line. And she just was like making a scene of it. And I was like, okay. So she did this whole thing and she let me go through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what a fucking asshole, right? And I started saying that and one of the guy's passengers in the line, he was like, hey, I would, I would be careful because you know, you could get in trouble. Like I can tell you're upset and I was like, oh, and I, it registered to me that he's Canadian. I was like, oh yeah, we're not like, we're not the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put my stuff on the thing and I see, I go, who's your supervisor? And the lady was like, oh, this lady. I go, can you send her over here? And I wanted, cause I wanted the guy to hear it. Sends her over here and I go, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know you got some fucking pig working over there, right? And she goes, excuse me. I go, your fucking pig just tried to like humiliate me in front of the other passengers. So maybe you should take that pig back to a trough. Teach her how to eat and how to treat people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was like, hold on, hold on. It made like, she like pulled me aside and was like, what happened? So I tell her the whole story, but I was like super heated and aggressive, cursing, yelling, you know? And this guy was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was kinda doing it for him. Yeaah, like, yo homie, we got rights. I was like, nah dude, that's just not gonna fly here. So, she, the supervisor was like, I'm gonna talk to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they send you an email or anything? No. They don't give a fuck. Nah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're rude, they're rude. I mean they, I understand they go through like, you know, you go through a lot, you're dealing with thousands of, if you're in a busy airport, thousands of people a day. You're getting paid. You're getting paid, I'm saying it's stressful, it's probably not the easiest gig, but whenever, I don't care what your position is, if you try to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you paying with cash? Or like, why are you in this, like, you're trying to put it on, embarrass people in front of people? I'm like, no, I'm not, you're not gonna do that shit to me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, cash rules everything around me, baby. Also, it's like, wait, I mean, does cash not work here or something? Who cares what I'm paying with? Yeah, I have to get change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's end on that. Uh, so wait, uh, if you want to hear more, George Press has got stories for days. Go check out George Press Stories. Comes out every Monday. Uh, see George on the road. He's an absolutely hilarious comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good line right there. That's a big ass line. Let's do it. Let's do it, dog. Thanks for coming, man. Thank you, brother. Always good to see you. We'll see you next time. Late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's interesting that when his mouth opens that his wheezing does change. So it does seem like it's kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I mean I really like my job, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that it could be him breathing, but I don't think that you're wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just blocked his hair in the control room, and uh, yeaah, it's pretty identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of using the typical mom and dad parent titles, there's actually gender neutral and non-binary parent titles that exist. It can be hard for parents within the LGBTQIA plus community to find a word that they feel comfortable being addressed as by their children. So here are some examples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't fall asleep unless I eat two cups of butter before bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Isaiah 47 sometime, look at verse 1 through 3, and see how God defines neckiness. So make him bear the thigh. The thigh. Pants or jeans that hug the buttocks, the thighs, and the crotch. By the way, that's not a coarse word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, I'll just play it on this screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one thing I know, it's that I have sexy vibes. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember because it's from a number of years ago, but uh, I think they actually are, I think they have their own podcast, the guys that made that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a 30 pound case. It was heavy. And like, also to put that in, in your car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you think about how like, uhm, you know, now you listen to music on your phone, before the phone it was your iPod, before your iPod it was a portable CD player, before the CD player it was a walkman, tape player. You're like a big ass heavy tape player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There also was uhm, I think you get more invested in your music when you have to actually select what you're gonna, like, you know, you're limited. Now you get to bring an entire, the world's music on your phone. When you're like, I have to buy this and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, uhm, followed one time in the store by security. And I didn't even steal anything. I just had a big hoodie on and they were like, this knuckle heads up to no good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, on that note, professional rapper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's a- one of the things that entered my mind is, why share this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, this place smells and I'm covered in pee. I'm gonna shower now. I mean, just go take the shower. Just go right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you're looking for people to validate it and to make your day. Sympathy. Yeah, sympathy for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think you have other outlets though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the strangest, I don't know where that's coming from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was like, as an adult, but like 17, 18, and it was, I still remember, and I think I was in high school, and I had one of those vivid dreams where I was swimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I peed in the pool. And I could not believe when I woke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had fully, I mean, emptied my bladder. And I was like, how, cause it had been years since that happened. I was like, and I remembered the dream being so vivid of like swimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pissed the bed. You know what I did do though? I remember I did this. I flipped my mattress over. Cause I was embarrassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was living with my parents when I was like seven. I mean, I'm like a junior in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I didn't register that. I just remember, I remember that the amount was alarming and I was so embarrassed and then I flipped that mattress over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should say that the left side that has the curtain, it's not a stand, it's not a tub. It's just, you know what I mean? It's stand. Right, it's flat. In other words, there is no tub. You just walk without having to step over anything from the bathroom floor into the shower. So it's one level. It's one level, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they just get absorbed by the towel. You didn't do that? You just cleaned it up afterwards?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also have bath mats in there, you know what I mean, like rolled up, like free to stand on, but they have absorbent qualities too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put them by the shower when I shower. So that the water gets absorbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a very popular line of water bottle. How do you, how did you pronounce this for your whole life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand that, except for the part that it's so widely known.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was like the, I think one of the first like excessively fancy products that I feel like I remember. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you buy a bottle and then someone's like, do you want Avion? And you're like, what? And they're like, it's expensive. You know, like it's a, you can buy it, but you can buy one for way less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a luxury item. As a luxury water. And you're like, what? But it became super popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, just so that it's clear to the audience, you didn't realize that if you crank it to max heat that it would actually get hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, wasting hot water, wasting water, you know? I remember those, those like, speeches.