[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two great TikToks. No, three. Number one. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one's telling you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the shit that I, like the stupid doily everywhere and this, this is my house growing up. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, much like the guy, the nookie guy, I want nookie on my face. I think she's watching TV, the reflections in the glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when I saw the Tom Cruise impersonator and I was like, that guy's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can I say? Popular. Different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who you are, Christine. I go for him over the sugar baby guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Good time. That's it? No more? That's it. That's the last one. That was a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got you. Okay. This fills me with joy. I don't know about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about a guy in a lathe getting his shirt and his body stuck in a lathe? Would that bring you joy? Look at your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who's your lady type? Who's your celebrity crush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black police showing out for the white cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta protect the rest of the base. Yeah. It's fuckin' amazing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they fags or what. Search a nigga down and grab his nuts. And on the other hand, without a gun, they can't get none, but don't let it be a black and white one, cause they'll slam you down to the street top, black police showing out for the white cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your curriculum, this is what you're teaching our kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, search a nigga down and grab his nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they fags or what. Search a nigga down and grab his nuts. And on the other hand, without a gun, they can't get none, but don't let it be a black and white one, because they'll slam you down to the street top, black police showing out for the white cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what you're teaching our kids. No, the children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to let you know, Aaron, I'm going to kick your teeth into your skull once I get done with you in the wrestling match and when I kick you, when I kick your skull in for the championship and you know, your teeth will be rallying and so will your mouth. Case closed buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, I'm John. Uh, I run a service where I break bad news to people for other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, your girlfriend Brianna hired me to break some bad news to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright well, really sorry to be the one to break this bad news to you bud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just here to break the bad news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, cause well the accent on Kike, I mean it's spelled...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just got a little accento over that second K, so it's just like, ah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I imagine that first time he probably had a corrective and was like, oh, sorry, that's not how you say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just a normal hamburger, not, uh, out of a trash bag. I ate it out of a normal lunch bag this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not eating out of the trash, it's eating out of a trash bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, there's nothing, there's no other trash in it, it's just the left, just the sandwiches in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not that resourceful, I just, I'm very wasteful, I use new trash bags each time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did, yeaah. But, good news, you could microwave that smell out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wasn't raised like that. It's like, it's like, I, I, look, when it comes originally, of course it's good. Leftovers always suck more than the original stuff, but this all kinda stems from the way I was raised. You don't pick up a cent, you're not worth a cent. You throw away leftovers, you're not worth leftovers, you know? It's that type of mentality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the, I like the Irish last name. We'll work on Luke a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'll be there waiting to greet him. Hello, Patty O'Callaghan here. Do you have any packages for us? Yeah, and they're like, as a matter of fact, we do!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause then it's changes on changes. I need to arrive different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I'm stoked. I didn't even realize. So like my, the value of my vote goes up once I convert and change my name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, alright. I already don't take the J holidays off, so we're already square over there. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's, it's, I would just have to be like gone for most of the fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, some J's are more successful than others, but I'm just happy to bring all this success to the C team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought it was, cause I was like, oh yea, I've had people do that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, real thin eyes here today. Alright, so we go up, down, left, right, and is it okay if I do it with my left hand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's websites that, that allow you to, they just take like snapshots of websites. If you know what you're looking for, I think you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you need to pay to see the unblurred version of this. You can't even hit enter? I'd rather not. Hit it! Alright! Hit enter!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, so he's a Christian too. I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you send Tom those videos, cause I know he'd love, he'd watch that right before he goes to sleep, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like maybe what happened was that he didn't want anyone to see his face. And then when he turned it off, he's like, oh, I can't see the button. Let me just check it out this way so I can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You used to be Jewish. I don't understand any of this Jewish shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to tell that Nick is a really cool guy, and happy birthday Nick. Fuck baby, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, white cloths and queens above 18, baby. Fuck. Yeah, baby. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, on my way to Miami, baby, yeaah. The 305, baby, yeaah. Fuck, baby, fuck, yeaah. On my way to Miami, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the 305. See you there, baby. Fuck, baby. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to God, that's what he does. He goes, Maha, the French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be getting a new pink hat in a few months!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever been stuck in a conversation much longer than you wanted to be? In a recent study, 66% of participants wanted a conversation to end before it did. Here's how you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you have any good plans for the weekend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This gets the person out of this moment and focused on what's coming next. Once they relay that future plan, you can respond to it and move into a close. Oh, that sounds like so much fun. I hope you have a great weekend. It was so nice talking to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They might be 86th from New York society. Yeaah, I don't see it coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shultz produced it, he, he directed it, produced it, put it together. And one of the best at doing that too. Yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah, cause when I started, I was like, we were kinda like in between, we seemed around the same age, right? We were all 60 something. I'm 64. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I get messaged every day, dude you're not 50 something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we kind of grew up, uh, with the industry kind of changing. Now it's like change. Kids coming up are like, who's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when we were coming, it was like in between. We were still doing the half hours, but then also. That's right. Yeah, and I remember like I had some characters that blew up on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was selling tickets and I didn't understand it. I didn't, I was ashamed of it. Really? Yea, cause I was good friends with like Nate and all these guys who were doing 5 minute sets and half hours with Nate Bargatzee. Yea. And I was going like, I'm doing something wrong. I'm ashamed of it. So I would like shamefully sell out Caroline's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And be like, I'm sorry, I felt bad about it, I shot the video in my, in my apartment, my rent control apartment. And that sold tickets. So I remember,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was when Delia was doing that Whitney show, and he had like billboards. Uh huh. But it was before he went on, what was the TikTok, before it was TikTok? Vine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do, you did a gig there though? I did a gig in Miami, which was good because I broke up with my ex-girlfriend who was a comic, you guys make it work, but I'll never date someone with a headshot again, and I was depressed and Miami's the place to go if you're depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was your game when you got to Miami? My game was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kind of known, and the women, it's a character women and gays love. So I started


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Have you ever heard that expression? That's it. I'm trying to go to West child store. That's why I need somebody to pay for my tits and that's it. Not to be judgmental about my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, that's from like 2010 I created her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had her, and then I had the Miss Panos, he's like a Greek, he's a Greek racist. So he also was bringing the Greeks, but there's only one million Greeks in America. So yeaah, yeaah, but, but, if I was Indian, I'd be fucking, I'd be too big for this podcast. So would you go fucking people with Aziz?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say this, Nate used to drink, he doesn't anymore, which means obviously there's a lot of good stories from him drinking. One of my favorites...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is when he went up to Louie Katz, you guys know Louie Katz the comic? We were drunk in a bar and he just goes up to Louie, he's like real drunk, he's got drunk eyes, he just stares at Louie. He's quiet and Louie's just looking at him and awkwardly starts laughing cause Nate's just staring at him and then he just goes, Nate just goes, I don't respect your people. And then just walked away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a good point because you notice with the serial killers, the best way to hide who you are is to pretend to be the opposite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a really poor job. And he was also like a nice guy, well quaffed. Attractive. You'd pretend to be injured and weak and then you'd fuckin' bite your tit off. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what it is nowadays, it's like you almost are worse if you say something bad than if you do some. You know what I mean? Yeah, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did well on it, I think. Yea, and then he would tour at the sky. Do you know about Vince Champ?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was his after show. That's how he would ball out after a show, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would make them pray with him afterwards. Vince would? Yea, cause I got obsessed when I read all about it. He would like, he would meet them in, he would like hide in like music halls or like, like, you know, buildings on campus and he'd stalk someone and then he'd catch them, rape them and then he'd make them pray with him. Sodomize them and then make them pray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I often like see the comics and serial killers have similar, we have similar skill sets. Yeah, glib, charisma, yep, we lie a lot, you know, we're good with people, manipulation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You almost respect the com- I mean the confidence commitment. He had that con- that's what made him so good on stage. He was so comfortable in silences. Yes. He would pause. He wouldn't get nervous. Really pause. Really pause. Most comics can't do it. I don't think anyone with feelings could do it. Yeaah. Yeaah. Cause you get nervous and you go on bombing but not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're unencumbered with that type of nervousness that kind of makes you lack stage presence. Yea, yea. I mean, he really pulled you in. He did. Pulled you in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you guys are catholics, that's- Did you get got or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you black out any part of your childhood that you can't remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you juice up the story just cause you felt like you had a- You know what I did? Cause there's like- You had a- Now you had something to live up to. There's little holes in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's scary. Catholic Church is really like the only, like women are safe it seems. Yeaah. There's no predators. Finally, one safe space for us. Yeaah. The safe space for women where there's no predators is Catholic Church ironically. Yeaah. But if you're a male, if you're a young male, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't dress cute. You know, just don't wear good church clothes. I recommend. Don't clean your ass, just be dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I actually think the Catholic Church was set up to molest boys. That's my theory. Yeah? Yeah. Think about it. You call them father. They're against abortion. Of course they're against abortion. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They rape kids. Don't fuck with a motherfucker's supply. Unwanted children is who they rape. So of course they want to make those kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Yea, I mean, I got fired for lying to my boss once, let alone, like... You didn't fuck anybody. Did you fuck that kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Fusion was a network that was created by, uh, Univision and Disney, ABC News. So it was supposed to be a young, cool network for, for, uh, diversity and Latinos. Yep. English speaking. So it was, since it was owned by Univision, it was just the hottest, most exotic women


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That scene is just like, they celebrate sex and sexiness in a way that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catholics and Greeks and Protestants were kind of shamed, you know? Whites are like, what's happening? You know? Put more clothes on. They're coming in like 80 year old grandma with tits and fucking, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's true dude. Yeah. I mean, when I was in Miami, every, you can tell how many months you've been in Miami by how many buttons are unbuttoned on your shirt. Every month, new button going down. So by the time I was there, it was like, it's just open. It's just open. It's just fucking open. I love Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I, it was like, uh, and yeah, you just, I had a, it was a pretty decent paying job, so I had like an apartment in Brickle with like floor-to-ceiling windows, and my goal was to get the women into that apartment. Right. Yeah. Once I got them there, they're like, that's nice! You can see the whole city here! And I was like, yeah, you know, you wanna go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and even in Miami too, some of the trans women, like even in 2013, I was like, some of the trans women are putting biological women to shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Greek, so maybe that's a little bit of it, like I'm not gay, but I'm flexible. I'd be pretty good at it if I went to jail, it's in there. But yea, you just fuck a trans girl and then you just use your imagination, just pretend like your dick was so big you pop through the other side. So you just stroke it, it's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, at 42 you've kinda done it with chicks, so you're actually kind of looking, oh this is new, this may be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people always say like, oh that's gay, it's like, like would you rather, like let me ask you a question, would you rather fuck a guy with a pussy or a girl with a dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like, if he's blowing you, you can't just like, hold a bald head. Yeah. If I put a wig on him, maybe I could fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York is a, it's almost like a brutally honest, that is true. That kind of cliche, that trope is true about New York. There's a brutally honest place where people let you know how they feel if you do any, if you inconvenience them in the slightest way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a chance that you're gonna be in a fight. Yeah. Like if you're in a inf- like if you're a car that's in front. Yeah. It could- it could end up in a- you could end up in a full fist fight that day. Sure. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they, they say it, yeaah. They, they got the pass. Yeaah, yeaah. They can say it, yeaah. Yeaah. It's a, it's a, it's a wild place. But you know, now that I've, I've kinda moved out, I realize that, cause I'm from Brooklyn, I'm from New York originally. Yeaah. I realize that we, New Yorkers have like a little bit of, we have Stockholm Syndrome. Uh huh. It's like really like, New York holds you captive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like you think you love it until you leave and then you're like, wow, it doesn't have to smell like piss. I don't have to be scared for my life at all times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, yeaah, your shoulders tense up. Like I realize when I fly back into New York, I just feel my shoulders. Where do you, when you say you moved out? I live in northern Westchester now. How far is that? It's about an hour out, but it's like farm country. Oh that's out man, that's out. I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you love it? Love it. Yeah, I go back into New York. I'm like, yeah, just fucking bomb it. China. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great, yeaah, here's my house, here's my kitchen, it's in my living room. No. It's great though, the pizza's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you gotta factor, when you live in New York, if you have a car, you factor in, you factor in like 3-5 tickets a week at like 125 a pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, in Bayridge, um, there's a lot of, Bayridge was like a little more suburban than a lot of the other row houses in Brooklyn, so people rent out their, their parking spots and, and they charge like $1200 a month. Oh my god. Just to park their cars, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That people put up with all that stuff, I think is an indication of how great it is. Because if it wasn't that great, nobody would deal with four parking tickets, circling for hours for a spot, you know, getting slashed in the face at two in the morning. You just deal with it because you go, you know what, the food is great, and I got a great slice of pizza the other night. It scars nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy to get addicted to. Yeah, and it's great for comedy, it's great because it beats you, it really beats you up. Yeah, how rough was that? It beats you up, man. And I started in black rooms too, which in New York, I mean those were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that gets you over the fear, you know, cause they, I mean, if you, they give you like 10 seconds to show that you're a performer, which you guys are better at here than we are in New York. New York guys are like, I'm too cool, I'm gonna lean up against the wall. So what's going on, guy? You know, LA is like every, you guys perform and do comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, which you have to do in a black room. You can't lean against a wall in a black room. You'll hear a fucking black woman suck her teeth. You'll hear it. You'll hear it. You'll hear, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are the most disrespected art form. Considering what we do, like we talk to a live audience, the military should be there to protect us. But there's like nobody, there's some failed comic with like glasses whose the manager is like sneezing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has a lore to it, that show. It was a wild show, it was called Barrefour. Ali, when she came to New York, would do it. That's where I met Ali, and she would do it like every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, this one show, it was like a bar show but it was great. One show there was this like, this guy and girl and they were just talking through the show. And I was hosting and I just started going at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she starts coming to the stage after they were like leaving, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, she walks out and I'm like, don't do it. I could see it in her face. She was drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She comes on stage, and I had said something to her, like I thought she was British, so I said some joke about her being British. So she comes to the stage, she looks right at me, she's standing on the stage right there, and she goes, I'm not British, I'm not English, I'm Irish, and I'm about to show you how Irish I am. And then I swear to God, this is no exaggeration for a fact, she did like a Sugar Ray two step, so I did look down, and that's why she did it, and then she punched me. She just BANG!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I look back, she had like, it was like a trained MMA bang. And then I hit her back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was less of a hit, more of like a swipe, but the microphone, it reverberated. So it sounded like I hit her with a bazooka, because it was like, bong, gong, gong, gong, gong. And then her boyfriend came and me and her boyfriend started fighting, and uh, the audience broke it up. Holy shit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I got in, this guy kept emailing me for like a year about it, like, I guess he was with them and he's from England, he's like, I want to talk to you about the events on said date, da-da-da-da-da-da, and then it just stopped for a while. I think he was wanting, baiting me into like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Respond and then maybe sue me for nothing. I don't know. I was doing hosting a bar show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was in the wrong, so yea, but people would- people always made fun of me because they were like, you hit a girl? I was like, I smacked, I was just holding the- it was a reaction, I got punched, and I just kinda like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I hit her and then I just got on top of her and ground, ground and pound. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to get those, uh, for the character, cause girls loved her so much, that they would ask me, they would be like, it's my girls birthday, would you come over, like, you know, can I give you like 50 bucks? 50 bucks!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What uh, how long have you been doing long days? Uh, long days is a couple months. Oh, so it's new. It is new. It's new, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you pull that up? I said they should call that podcast Party in the Closet. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is? It's like uhm, it's funny cause you guys lapped us in career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we're all, you know, New York's sitting back going like, yo, is that joke got good structure? Like, fuck that guy. You know? And LA's going like, yeah, good luck with that, or you'll get paid less than a waiter while I'm on my jet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, now we come over, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? You like fucking lap this. You go, people are delusional in New York. It's hilarious. They think they're jazz musicians or something. It's like, yeah, but what's this fucking 10 minutes like? You're like, what are you talking about? Who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, like New York always goes like, ah, we're better comics, or whatever. It's like, no dude, there's a crop of great comics in LA, and there's a great comics in New York, and then there's a lot of shitty comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's funny when we come out like now like you know when you have a friend who's like richer than you Yeah, and like you invite your richer friend over to your house, and he's just like let's just go to my place


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I think it's like, beef, it's not just stand-up now. You have to work a lot harder and you just have to be funny in all the things you do. Everything. Podcasts, stand-up, Twitter, whatever it is. I refuse to try to be funny on Twitter. Yeah, well you don't have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just like, it made sense to me, so my instincts were right, I'm going like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was like, let's try a show here. Cause the fandom was so, the fervor, you could feel it online. Like the Facebook page, fan page was just growing. So we did brown paper tickets, and it sold out in minutes. So it was like, sold out. And then, and then we had a show, it sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, I got 100% of the door. And then we moved the show to Caroline's. It's still a door deal. And so I was like earlier in comedy, but I understood I had, the fans were coming, so I wanted the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of comics still, like, you know, it's like, they say some of the Native Americans couldn't see the Conquistadors ships because they just had no, they couldn't believe it. But it's like, this show here gets more views than shows with multiple million dollar budgets. Thank you. It's just, it's so different. It's wild. It is wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite bits of all time was Louis CK's bit about when he and his family visit him in New York, and they're from like the Midwest or something. It's the funny, they get on the train, and they see like a homeless man naked, like bleeding, and they go, quick, we have to help this guy! And Louis is like, no, no, no, we don't do that, we don't do that here. You just keep walking. You understand, you just leave it. I remember like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you'd be like, mom, trust me, if you spent like a month here, you know, she'd be saying that, don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. For sure don't make eye contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Less business regulations, and he's like, you fucking cunt, Scott! Yeaah, you don't even read books, you're fucking ignorant, you don't know shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like you saw, like, it was very New York. It was like Woody Allen, Trump, you know, Spike Lee. It's like a rapper or something. Yeaah. He was like, there was like a fixture in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, Ivanka can't walk around New York. No way. No, they were boycotting like her clothes and stuff, but uh, yeaah. The tall one, the uh, the kid. Baron, he's the only one. He may be able to, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who she looks like? You ever see the movie 300? Uh, yea, yea. You know the hunchback? Look at the face. Does it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just can't believe this didn't go viral. That's content right there. That's really cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys who like panties want the fumes. They don't wanna get panties and have it smell like downy. That defeats the purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she goes off camera and has a nice cup of Senka and a Winston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take my wife, please. That's it? That's it. There's no punchline?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check me out. There you go, Celebrity Theatre. Thanks so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you guys for having me. This was a blast. This was a really good time. Big fans, both you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, with Mark Norman on September 8th. That's Burr-Kreischner and Mark Norman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole specialty is with male sexual fluidity and uhm, what I always say is that when women have a non-heterosexual thought, we give her wiggle room, but we fetishize her. When men have a non-heterosexual thought, we stigmatize him and we tell him he's not straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] False. Wrong. I really want to get rid of this myth. I really want to get rid of this. Yea you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you stay with my TikTok, you're gonna hear all the reasons why straight men have sex with men. I'll see you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, having sex with other men is fraternity initiations, so well described in the book Not Gay, Sex Between Straight White Men by Jane Ward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She basically tries to talk about, from a sociological point of view, why do these straight men in fraternities put fingers in each other's butts, urinate at each other, uh, get naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, engage in what we would call homosexual sex acts, but they're left alone. Nobody's ever saying these dudes are really gay and are they closeted and what's going on with them. She talks very eloquently about what she thinks is going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For these men, it's required sex, and so based on that, they engage in it, but then they have a disgust response, and the more disgusted they are, the more it reinforces their heterosexuality. The part of being white,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go unnoticed. Nobody ever accuses them of being gay or bisexual. These are straight boys having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you seeing yet that none of this is about being gay or bisexual?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delivering answers to your questions. Here's another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough one. Think about it. After you've gone through puberty, your arms don't get any longer. Your legs don't get any longer. And your penis doesn't get any longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do things to make it appear longer for a period of time. You can put him in a penis pump that's going to stretch him so he appears longer and fully engorged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do something called jilking, which hangs weight off of him, appears to have him stretch a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Dick Doc on TikTok bringing you the truth about length.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you agree with my analysis? Sure. Like I said, I speak stupid real well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just had a really fun experience. I knew this was going to happen. I put it in the, the email that went out and the post is called I'm Coming Everywhere and you announce a tour in, you know, legs of the tour. So I was like, here's the first one for like, and everyone was like, you're not coming everywhere. We're about Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's on the, like, that's on the, you don't announce a tour and go, here's, uh, 24 months of dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna reach out to each person that said that and tell them how stupid they are, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause you know what it was about? The comments. I was so mad at those people still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't read. I know. That's what I wrote in the, so I had an email blast that goes out that like says it and I go, and now I'll prepare myself for all the responses. What about this city? Like those are coming. Doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also have a thing where you go, you know, you'll play Houston, you do a fucking like eight shows and that next week people will be like, how come you never come to Houston? They're like, I'm your biggest fan. You're like, no, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's funny. Her fucking airbag goes off. And she's just like, I gotta keep going, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll tell you this, this is, she has all the makings of a, honestly a strong performer. I mean, you know, like as people that perform, sometimes, you know, a glass breaks, someone falls down, and to keep going, she was like, I got in a fucking car accident, and I'm still, she was still performing to the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not. Yoshi does say strong performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was trying to do Australian. I didn't nail Australian though. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once again, I mean, out of the park, grand slam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cold open for the live from Palm Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a way to start a show, especially with a live audience to see them all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that one killed, it was really fun. Fun to watch, like, people laughing at it, you know? Yeah, cause when you play them here, it's still fun, but you don't know. You don't know the reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, because I like it like that. No, uh, it's just things, it's just like building a house, we're building a studio. We got started on the studio, uh, I don't know, we found the place like last November. And, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, it's been very brief, um, but so far, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a way slower pace. Yeah, I feel like there's like room to breathe. You feel less like you're not saying a little bit. You feel less congested and like, you know, less kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, it's just easy. It feels, yeah, I feel like I have room. People are, I mean, the few days that I was there, much friendlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm excited. I mean, I also feel like I can't say that much just because I haven't experienced that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be awesome. But I want you to be friends with her. I don't want it to be like, weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's uhm, he's a notable person. And uh, he's been in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll, look, look, I'll be cool to you guys, if you guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, I feel, uh, I feel the way this guy feels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everybody likes her, that's for sure. There's one thing about AOC is that everybody likes her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way this guy has that wrong. She likes to smoke meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. When you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. She's Puerto Rican. Is she proud of it, you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, yea, yea, and they're super proud too. Italians are super proud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said it in a special, like in an act, but it was like, it's like being proud of being tall. You know, it's like you were just born.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I guess, yeaah, if you, if you can, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be very proud of that. Or, I understand it too, if you're very proud of your ethnicity as a group that's super oppressed, then it makes sense? Cause you're saying that like, while everyone shuns us, I'm actually proud. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have used a different series of words, but you know, yeah, like you're Native American, for instance. Every, every, you know, they came in, wiped you out, you're kind of, you know, marginalized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's like to be like, no, I'm proud of that. It makes sense. But if you're like, yeah, I mean, we're Italian or I'm Greek and I'm proud. Well, sure. Okay, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't think it would take much to find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, here's the thing, if you're, if you're Greek, you didn't do any of that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't do any of that. You don't even know anybody that did any of that shit. Don't be like, ah, we did it. No, no, no. They did it. It's still them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be the pride that you wanna see from a group has a direct correlation in how little they're celebrated. Then you wanna hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my mother's Peruvian. Nobody boasts about Peru. So it's like, if she were to say or a Peruvian person goes, you know, like we are actually, you know, this, uh, gastro destination. We have like these amazing cuisines. Yeah, because you're like, well, they're not like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not on the world stage. You know what I mean? So you go like, yeah. But if like, yeah, if a French person's like, what about our food? Everyone talks about your fucking food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who I love? This guy. You guys, you turn me on to this guy. Kevin Samuels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like some ladies like, he like will break down, he'll be like, he's like, men want a woman who is fit. F-I-T. Fit. You are not fit. Top tier men do not desire you. He's just straight up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, like, everybody loves a degree of just honest talk, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's, this woman was like, talking about, you know, I've achieved this, I've achieved that. And he's like, and what do you look like? He's like, no one's trying to marry your achievement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he always, he dresses sharp and just, this beginning though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She knows, she knows what's coming. She knows what's coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It went, I was like, oh, this is like a real innocent virgin type. And then in this last clip I was like, oh no, this is a really unstable, aggressive, possibly violent sex offender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was like, there's a shift in his face, behavior, voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're putting out this type of request, then you are looking for a slut. You're not looking for a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hoeslides. YMH Hoeslides coming soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morning pick me up from Duncan. Check. Get everything you need whenever you need it with DoorDash. Doesn't matter what kind of food you need. Chinese, you want pizza, you want sushi, you want a breakfast burrito. DoorDash hooks you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A new year means a new you, but when it comes to what you're craving, maybe that's still the old you. Order your old favorites or try something new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DoorDash. DoorDash connects you with the restaurants you love right now and right to your door. You can get grocery essentials you need from DoorDash too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's awesome and it's super easy. Just get that app and boom, you're all set for a limited time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y. M. H. Don't forget, that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hearing this from a lot of folks too. I have friends of mine that are like, yeah, that happens to me like pretty much every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mostly single, but yea, a couple married people too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not what I'm talking about. He's extra gross. Yeah, she's a southern lady. That's not what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about, yea, there's, I don't want to say their names on the air, but- Write it down. Listen. It happens, and it can happen to us, and it should happen too. Really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it gonna be? We're gonna see Zello up here next. I'm looking for a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's uh, that's the exchange? Yea. So asshole and beard has to be shared. Clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think your face is just down there for, you know, like can we do like a minute?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! It'll be fully clean and you're not gonna go inside, I promise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can change my dye dye, pull my legs up, I can get on all fours, I can stand with one leg up and hold a cheek open, you know? They're all appetizing, I know, it just depends on what you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not cute. As your partner, that hurt my feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That hurt me that you said. Can you imagine anything more disgusting than you in a position?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I'm the receiver of your mouth chowing on my bunghole. So I got an all fours for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't know because it's never happened to me. So I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. Break it up, move it around. Yeah, then, you know, spit, and a lot more tongue, and then your hands are everywhere. Yeah. Just be, you know what I like? A nasty girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I'm asking for too much. I think you're really kind of, you know, making it a bigger deal than it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everything's super closed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean sure, was it, did I like it? Yeaah. Did I like it more than when you have hair there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, my preference is actually a little bit of hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something. I have seen some absolute train wrecks. Of vaginas? Of vaginas. And I just got right up in there. Didn't even think twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was like, this is a card-carrying member of the Penicillin Society. And I am not gonna even slow down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it, well, yeaah, not like one where you're like, oh my god, I'm gonna weep. Not one of those. But, I've, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what are you saying? Why do you mean don't do that? Of course we want people to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. You think anyone wants you to put that message out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're enjoying pleasuring who they're with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that might be an aspect, but don't you think they also like that it's putting their partner in a state of euphoria?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they're doing it because like, oh, my friends are doing it, but then they're like, oh, I enjoy it and I enjoy how pleasurable it is to the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that brings up the whole point of was I born 20 years too early? And I think so. Yes. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This makes me want to join the NRA. Every time I see somebody like this person and I hear them speak, I'm like, oh, I get it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is wrong. No. She's offended four people. You shouldn't say that to him. He's like, I can speak. I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he has a new album. Him and MF Doom Rest In Peace, uh, had an album come out and uhm, what is it? What is the name of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's all these people saying Czarface and like this, with like a music bed underneath it, and yeaah, he pulled from- And it's Burt. Well, I know, he pulled from when Burt and I were talking and, and Burt was like, Czarface?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he used the moment when I say it, I go, s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these people are, you know, saying the name. But it's uhm, yeaah, another honor to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very humorous too. There's a lot of like comedy, a lot of funny metaphors and lines in his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has really complicated wordplay that he's super talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always DMing him now. Uh, 7L on production. The fact that he also just generates so much. So prolific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made a playlist called, uh, Path Down Mimi's Lane, and it has all the Mimi hits that I love. They're mostly collaborations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did one with JZ, she did one with ODB, she did one with, uh, Jadakiss, I think she did one with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause these are all jams, so they're like, yeah, it's uh, it's like, it's dance, it's feel good stuff. It's like stuff you would be dancing in a club to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go to this, uh, we're staying at a nice resort and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We uhm, we're laying by, they have a pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For families and then an adult pool. So we're like, you know, my parents come down watching the kids and we go, let's go to the adult pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of laying down, he's sitting in the lounge chair that you would normally lay in. He's sitting on it, and then he reaches into a bag, and he pulls something out of his bag, and he starts, uhm, buffing his foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I was like, and he's doing it for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. I mean I have seen, I have seen someone cut their toenails at the gate at an airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is crazy. I've seen on passenger shaming, you know, on her page. I've seen her show people doing that on flights, which is nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Hey, big NO. Uhm, I've seen someone cut their fingernails on a flight, which is crazy too, but buffing your feet at the pool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kept going back to it. And then as if this is another aspect, his feet were so fucked up too. Remember? He had like crazy fucking shit growing off of his feet. So gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this dude, I mean, let's be like, this guy is at the pool on a ni- Everyone there's on vacation. Everyone's just like, hey, this is the week of the year. I know. I came to this really nice place, I'm spending a fortune. And I'm gonna watch you shave your fucking- And I have you shave your foot skin. At the poolside. You're gross, nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like to find- We go hog hunting together. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you always find a couple of hogs and then you make me pick who I would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not weight, it's uhm, it's just undesirable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you, you had these four hogs, they weren't, they weren't like, fat, they were just not attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a table next to us, so these four pigs were sitting there. And, uh, Christina goes, alright, so which one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to, you have to go, and I looked at one by one, I was like, this is a real shit litter. Yeah. This is like, oh man. So, so one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One was just built like an offensive tackle and then, you know, I was like, well, she's like out. Then one of them just clearly, you know, her face, like look at someone's face first. One of them was just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went with the one, the one that I chose, she had like the most sass to her. And she seemed like she was kind of like the alpha of the four. They were all kind of like, what do you want to do Sandra?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing is I had to override my system's own


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] natural default of no, stay away from this, but because we were playing this important game, I was like, nah, alright, if I have to, I like the fact that, you know, she was confident, that's what it is, everyone's all, you know, you hear that when you're a kid, but she was the confident one of the group, and the confidence is attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a confident man, like a truly confident man, is sexually viable, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeah, and the woman does the, uh, I don't want to maintain hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is, some of those are actually with style. There's some where they just go, no, no, no, just, just cut it and leave it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't do it, you're gonna have a real problem. You could end up like these old ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, I'm reading this. This is, who is this? A woman named Joyce. She explained in another video the guy was staring at them in the restaurant. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I guess I could play with these two if you want me to play the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also the first one was like, there was a guy in the room. He was stalking us. Like, okay. Yea, I'll take the other option.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like to, I like to play the game with you and suggest like highly undesirables. Guys with like real hard hushies, like big circular...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this guy's last time you saw him? Oh yea, we saw a guy, it was last vacation. He was like 400 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Quip. Brush, floss, chew gum, gum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chewing sugar-free gum for 20 minutes after meals. Gum is something people chew as a way to relieve stress, curb appetites, and most importantly, freshen breath. But many people don't realize that gum can also be an integral part of a healthy oral care routine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tooth friendly xylitol and zero calories. If you go to getquip.com slash mom right now you can get a free


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plastic dispenser with any refill. That's a free dispenser at getquip.com slash mom. Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom. You can also find the Quip electric toothbrush, refillable floss, and more in the oral care aisle at your local Walmart. Quip, The Good Habits Company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But instead of waking him and helping him out, we did get to deal with my mother breaking her arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're staying, we got them a room in our, in the hotel and they're like four doors down. So in the morning, cause they get up super early, right? I was like, I'll just, I'll call you. I'll wake up kind of early because we're still like, you know, we're doing shows and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I called him, I think like eight in the morning and I'm like, Hey, and my dad goes, well, your mother broke her arm. I go, what? She fell and she broke her arm. I'm like, okay. He goes, she doesn't think it's open or broken. She doesn't want to go to the hospital. I'm like, well, you should go. And she, I can hear, give me the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, hey mom, she goes, I didn't break it, it hurts. And I go, well, how do you know it's not broken? Because it's still, it's fine. And I'm like, okay, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was going to help your father, and I tripped and I fell, and I landed on the arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, mom. So, yeah, I'm like, what do you, I mean, you're just going to be like this all day. Like just get, if it, if it's not broken, you should know that it's not broken. They just go into the ER. I don't want to, I don't want to. I'm like, oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she shows me that she'd gone from the bedroom and there's like this little, you know, living room, whatever area, right, from the bedroom to this hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, okay. And then I turn and I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed that the room service cart is now in front of a table, like a desk. A lot of hotel rooms have like a desk, right? And I noticed that that desk is covered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what is that? I'm like, is that coffee? And they're like, what? I go, what's on the desk? Is this coffee? Oh, I guess so. And then I look, and the cart that had, that she had fallen on had a coffee pot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They order, I called room service to come to their room for me. So that guy comes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, yeah, my arm is broken, but he wants to make sure that your chair is clean and you're, and I'm like, first of all, all we've talked about is your arm. Like from the moment I woke up, I've been telling you to go to the emergency room. Now she's like, all he cares about is the coffee that spilled. I was like, this is what, and then, yeah, and this is how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, yeaah, they finally went to the hospital later, hours later, and I got the call, yeaah, it's fractured, and, uh, she's in a cast now. She was in a temporary cast and then she got back and got in another cast. And she's like, it really hurts. I'm like, right, cause it's broken. That's why it really hurts. You broke your arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took Xanax. I drank almost every night. You know, I don't. Oh, I drank every night. I drank almost every night. I was smoking cigars. I was eating like two and three times the amount of edibles. I was doing them all together too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just needed to be alone. That really was coping. As soon as we got back from there, I was totally fine. Totally relaxed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, I should be way crazier. Way crazier. I should be. We talked about this a bunch, but like, you know, with your upbringing, you're like, I should be a heroin addict. I should do porn. I should like, right? Like, that's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like I should be wa- like I channeled it into the only positive outlet that I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying if I hadn't done that, it would have... Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are sad girls too, where they go uhm, not like having a lot of sex, but I'm saying when it gets to like this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went out and there was a, we called them heat storms, like electric storms, so it's basically you just see lightning in the clouds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but he's, the same message. The message is consistent. That is literally the same message from three years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and he's got like some cool filters going on there, and then he's like black, lat, and he's right back at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uhm, it's impressive. We got, uh, some horrible or hilarious we'd like to see. Nice, always. Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, I mean, everything. I'm sure his, his patella, his ACL, meniscus, everything just broke. I mean, his knee, his knee just went like that. Yeah, he did it like, he like hyper extended him and they just, yeah, popped. He's not walking out of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so crazy that he was like, I'll just jump. Like, I just don't even understand that part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, didn't he live a life before this? Like, you start to gauge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So let's see, here's one here that says, this happened outside the Emirates Stadium in Highbury, is it England? The guys are Arsenal fans protesting against Arsenal owner Stan, uh, I don't know, say his last name, in wake of the European Super League fiasco. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like he thought that someone was going to help him at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say thumbs up. That was a good one. You liked that one? Yea, I liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel, it's kinda cool that we get to, finally our UK listeners can go like, oh, is this what you experience? When you hear our drunks? Yes, exactly. I'm able to make out a good bit of it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean people like that, I'm gonna, here's the thing, I'm gonna just go out, I don't know if I'm right, I think he drinks too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a current driver. No. No one lets him behind any type of machinery. This guy drinks like this all day for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to say possession of a weapon, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did, and you can tell that she really cares about animals and knows how to take care of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. It's been a hell of a year, and I feel like I've aged 12 years over the last 12 months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like me, you're feeling your age more than you used to. Sometimes even in the bedroom. It's time to snap out of it. That's where BlueChew comes in. BlueChew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in chewable form and at a fraction of the cost. BlueChew's tablets combat all forms of ED. It can help men,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Extra confidence when it's time to perform. If you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform, visit BlueChew.com for more details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just pay $5 shipping. That's bluechu.com promo code mom to receive your first month free. And we thank bluechu for sponsoring the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aaaaand we're back. How was your pee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, I guess, uhm, saw the similarity of, uhm, of what he received and what we played before, which is this guy sent a message, uh, or was talking to somebody on Grindr, and then the guy instead


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say this, this guy seems very sweet. And very, very sincere. And you know, it wasn't like, I don't know, it's not cringey, it's just like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean also, that's the thing is that, for a video, you might go like this, you see too much too quickly, you make assumptions too quickly. You need a little bit of like that veil of, you know, of mystery that attacks, you know, cause like someone being like, I'll see you then, it's like, it's too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. The other guy too. Feels familiar, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why you send the video? Maybe it's just because he goes, I don't feel like typing this out. Like he goes, well I have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't want to say, he doesn't want to text, I have a client until three, I have another one at seven thirty, so between three and seven I could possibly meet up with you, I live near Columbus, like, it seems like his thoughts are a lot to write out, and I think that's why you go, I'll send the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because in a video, the information is conveyed easier, right, as opposed to writing that all out, and maybe that's why...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't say why, he just, he, but he says all that. He's like, I have something at three, then I have something at seven thirty, so I have this amount of time in between, and I live near Columbus Circle, so I could take you out to eat there, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, instead of telling all that information, just be like, I have from four to seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling you a lot of information. You're so rude. You'll be like, I don't want to know all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Oh my gosh. What? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. You wanna do your, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what it is? It's a general sense of chaos. Like, what her face looks like to me is actually just chaotic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's chaotic. It's like when you walk into a room that's a mess. You're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't feel like calling her like, you're a fucking mess, but I'm saying like, it's a, almost like nerve wreck, where you're like, oh my god, like there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much, it's so much, yeaah. I'm hoping that this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it doesn't make me laugh though. Also because I know that she's hurt, people are writing crazy shit to her, you know? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, she's saved, she's saved, and... It's just cool sea stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe her. You don't believe her? I don't believe she has the answers. You don't? I don't think she knows how we get to heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure doesn't seem like one, does it? That thing will rip your fucking face off, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. That's the wrong search, you know that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, obviously he's super familiar with it though. This guy's done that a million times. The cat even knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, have you ever thought about, cause we've seen a few people with cats like this at home, I guess you have a no guest policy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because. Or no children guess either. Oh my god, children forget it, but like, you know, what do you do? You're like, hey, just so you know, I got a leopard in my kitchen right now. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's normal to assume this dude is over 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he doesn't, I should say that, he doesn't like, but he definitely, if he would have said like, guess what, he's 43, I'd be like, okay, sure, I believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really crazy story that I don't believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For PPP fraud, and then fake the panic attack when they get, and then, I dunno, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She knows her, her, her cousin has loose morals and then he's like, oh my cousin would do something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, uh, no, no, no, that was the loan, the government loan program for during COVID. Like the forgivable loans, though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I did not bel- I thought you stepped back in time for this talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the, it's like the, you're drinking and doing drugs to get back at your parents. So he's like, well fuck you. I'm gonna keep getting this stupid haircut. Like yeah, but you look stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's part of the exchange, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not supposed to drink ocean water, period. Correct. Correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes. Uhm, alright. We gotta get some dates in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over to Liberty Township in Ohio, the funny bone, July 22nd through 24th. Then Columbus in August the 12th, 13th and 14th. Then of course Oklahoma City in September.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets are all at Christina P online. Make sure you get tickets before they are gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now your boy is launching a world tour. It's already on sale. It's called the I'm Coming Everywhere World Tour. And I really am coming everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, as you may have heard me mention before, we announce dates in segments. So right now the dates from August through January are on sale. Uh, in a couple months I'll announce the February through May dates and so on and so forth. So go to tomscura.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bunch of new dates. Shows are already being added. Get tickets. I'm really excited to get back out there. And uh, yeaah, can't wait to do it. So fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is. I'm so thrilled to be back. Uh, and also, I'll remind you this, especially when you're talking about theater stuff, don't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google your city and the name. Always go through the website of the artist you want to see. You want to see me, go to tomskirt.com, go there. Those are the actual tickets. If you just Google like, you know, Indianapolis, Tom Skirt, you're going to end up on like SeatGeeks or some


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that being said, thank you again to everyone for watching and listening this week. We really appreciate it. What do we have here? We have, uh, the closing song, Jamie Wants to Go Get a Shot by Dr. Mo. Haven't heard it. Look forward to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know how I make my man happy? I let him play with my mom. Yeah, I'm that kind of way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for me, like I do things like I eat bacon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The aliens are coming June 8th, 2021. So be prepared. It's been confirmed. I got the insider information. Aliens. June 8th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hide well. My dad's bald, my older brother's bald, but they're successful. So you could be bald and successful. You can't be a poor bald Jew. It doesn't work out. I've always said those exact


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, if you're gonna do the transplant, you gotta do it, you gotta do it soon. But isn't that sad that I couldn't shave my, I can't even like my own face because of my hair receding?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy's looking over my shoulder, he's like, what are you doing? He took my calculator. So then I had to pretend to fill out more to test without a calculator. So I just like, fuck this, I'll just hand it in. Some other guy that I didn't know had the test handed it right in so we had the same exact answers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, the guy figured it was like a prob stack class. So he's like, yeah, it's 99.9% that 25 of you had the same exact answers. And he's like, you could take the test again. I go, all right, I'm going to do it. I'm going to take it myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know, do you remember, like, if you withdraw before a certain time, you don't get a withdrawal with fail, you just get a withdrawal. So I withdrew right before, if I waited too long, so it would be withdrawal with fail, but I was like, I'm gonna do it on my own, I'm gonna study.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather him not settle down and fuck a ton of dumb 20 year olds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom yelled at me, so her, I pay on Venmo, cause she pays the rent directly, I paid on the 4th. Her mother yelled on me on Venmo, on the 17th recently, that I didn't pay on time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I screened it, it was kind of a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's bad. Really? Yeaah, it's good, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah. I mean, I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. That was the thing I think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Us growing up, like we didn't know what anxiety is like all like new. It's all new. Depression is new. And it's almost to the point where like you say it, you almost feel dirty saying it because you feel like you're playing a victim or like you're trying to get liked by being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sad, cause it's kind of a, you know, cause that's how much it is. Which is a trick in your head, you know. Yeah. But when we were kids, no one did, we didn't know what the hell, we were just like, stopping a pussy. You could throw a football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then yeaah, I finally realized, I mean, she helped a lot. She went to therapy. When I met her, I was still drinking. And then I, you know, quit drinking. You did? Yeaah, I haven't drank for like, almost three years. Wow. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I drove, and I drove in and I was like, yea, I'm choking. They're like, they're looking at me like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You walked in, like, you drove here, and you're choking to death. And I was like, yeah, it's bad. It's bad, yeah. And they're like, you, there's symptoms, like turning blue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought it in Vero. Did that depress the shit out of you? I was depressed for a year. I didn't like leave my bed. I was just like, blinds closed, watching YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, whoever works the night shift, I did it for my brother, he hired me. It was the worst. And I ended up, it's a long story, but I was working in like operations, like I don't even, I moved to New York,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be a screenwriter. Next thing I know I have a hard hat on in the middle of Dayton, Ohio working for my brother in a factory trying to make it run more efficient. I don't even know. It's a long story of how I got there but I thought I was just running part of the factory and the next thing I know they're like hey run the whole factory at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what? Like, what? And I started losing my mind. And I just left, I went back to Vero and that's when I like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that hurt our relationship, cause I just, I just fu- I mean, go crazy. But you did the right thing for your own sanity, for sure. I mean, yea, I wouldn't be here, I guess, yea. What about when you call it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a poem stint. You did? Yeah, in college. I got caught by my fraternity brothers. Writing? Oh, it was so sad. Or they found the book? It was the saddest day of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was listening to a lot. Dude, I was listening to Chris Gaines. The saddest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know you're into them. Yeah. Big fan. Big fan. Yes. So Chris Gaines is Garth Brooks' alter ego. Oh, we know who Chris Gaines is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think. I gotta hear it, man. Maybe they have it back there. I can't remember the lyrics so well. But sweet, tell me how your fraternity mates, like... So they, they, I don't, they were looking through my room, I don't know what for, and they found my journal kind of thing. Oh my god. More to find. The poem I remember they found was called She Hits the Bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She go, yeaah, full throttle. I just remember those two things. And it, it, I never wrote poetry since then. Like it, that- And wait, did they read them? Like they were just like, like- They go, oh, she hit the bottle, does she? You know, shit like that. You know, good friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fairness, they were right. I was listening to Chris Gaines in the dark. Like, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom has emphysema. So she's on oxygen. So you can't swim with an oxygen tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it don't matter to the sun, it's hot. It's a good one. I remember that one. I think that was his number one one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he got laughed at so much, it was like when she hit the bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing though, he didn't tour for years to be with his kids. You're right. I think he's a good dad. I think he's a good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of it is also like, they pick a place, so they think that's like, 90% of it. It's like, I pick Lilies, I pick Cheerios. Right. Or whatever the hell the name of the place in Ohio was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, it's gone away a lot, like this was like the first year I was opening for it, like I'm not trying to be like, oh I'm cool now, but it has died down. I can see after 15 years why it wouldn't be as great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Joe Rogan sold 18,000 seats an hour. I mean, is he any happier because of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He even put the thing down low, like he would think he knew what he was doing. He used that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cry? Huh? You cry? I've cried. I cried in the ocean that day about my mom, but I don't cry a lot. I cry at like 3am when I'm watching like an old American Idol of like a 17 year old girl singing something like acoustic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you balling? Are you balling? No, it's not balling, but it is, it's definitely- It's like a wipe. What music? Not your rap. Not your like, NW rap. What are you, my mom? No, but- Listen to your rap! You like that? Those blacks with their pants all down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been listening to Chet Baker lately. That's good. That's a sad man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I try to get him sometimes. What do you do to like, you know, work out? Yeah, I've been going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get addicted and then I get to a point and then I fall off and then I get good and that's my story of my life. That's your cycle. Well, I got hurt recently. I tried to impress my 25 year old girlfriend by running. Yeah. I pulled my hamstring train. It was max speed day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I pulled my hammy and I'm on the ground like crying. It was so embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool glasses choice too. Yeaah, you look sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you do the 72 hour shot clock kind of thing you got, I don't envision you putting up a clock in your living room, but doesn't that take away a little bit of the thrill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'ma every four days I come, even by myself. Cause I'm on Zoloft, so it's hard for me to come, so I gotta hold my stock, and that's the only way I could come at all. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like if I, you know, jerk off a day before, I won't come if I'm having sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it's gotten to the point where yeaah, I usually go with cum and then I have sex for a long time and I go, look, it's not you, it's you, and then everything's fine. You know? Yeah. No, but I just, I don't know, I just, uh... Sometimes I get into the... I take Viagra and so I stay hard for way too long too. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm trying to think what's the longest I've ever gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. We had a picture of both of us. He was number 69. Yeaah. More famous than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hahahaha. Fancy gift that. Haha, that's pretty awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, like, it was a traumatizing look, but uh, it still made my dick hard for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get someone to shack you, man or woman, who cares? You know? Enjoy yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay ladies, dad, dad bod. You see it, single, still looking, putting myself out there. Ladies don't just scroll by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boomer got the vax? What? Boomer's got the vax?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cousin got a warrant for PPP Frog. She faked a panic attack when they came to pick her up. This bitch gonna knock herself out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how she looks at him. Check back in with her in 15 years and we'll see how charming this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's face it, taking trips to the post office is probably not how you want to spend your time. That's why we use Stamps.com. We do it all online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Samps.com allows you to mail and ship anytime, anywhere, right from your own computer. You can send packages, letters, whatever. You have your own digital scale, and the best part is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can send things UPS now, which is fantastic. Whether you're a small business or you're just doing your own mailing, stamps.com is a must.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have, simply use your computer to print U.S. Postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class, anywhere you want to send. Stop wasting time going to the post office and go to stamps.com instead. There's no risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with our code MOM, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom. That's stamps.com promo code mom stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, we're planning some secret fun shit for you guys. Yes. It's been, it's, let's just say we're already doing some of the prep. Yeah. And this might be the best YMH Live ever. It's super exciting. It's nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like Beyonce when she does Ivy Park with like Adidas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're kidding! Yeah. That's amazing, Tom. I can't wait to see this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hate St. Patrick's Day. I don't, I don't understand. It's a drinking holiday. Like, well, you can drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But St. Patrick's Day, it's just, let's get drunk and barf. There's no floats, there's no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, this is why we need YMH Live, you guys. It's just cause we just wanna talk the way we wanna talk. We don't wanna be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, there's a few countries like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the women are prettier. Dude, I would argue even my tribe in Hungary...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like there's a reason porno is filmed in Budapest because we're the best looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are fashionable. Well Europeans, we've talked about this before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my relatives in Hungary when we'd visit them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, isn't that, what's his name, the big one, Warren Buffett? He's like so proud. He's super frugal though. That he drives like a piece of shit car still. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our kids don't need to go to college. Why, when you can have chains?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is an honor when you admire somebody's work and then they admire you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is a great idea. I think we need to facilitate this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who painted the Mona Lisa? Picasso was this? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is DaVinci asking the Mona Lisa to sit and he paints her. Do you understand? The fact that I am his inspiration. You are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am the Muse, or the I-I-I guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, this is bigger than meeting Brad Pitt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this was really something special. It really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, but he's not into the Milk Duds as much as he is into the booty. He's always talking about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm surprised that he even saw my booty. He saw my milk duds.


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[Assistant] Now, Tom, do you not feel protective of me at all? Like, are you worried that the III guy might win my heart?


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[Assistant] The Nunu! You're gonna, you're gonna have to meet him.


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[Assistant] Well, it is International Women's History Month, so this is a great, uh, video to receive.


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[Assistant] I'm just so honored, you know, there's a big highlights in YMH history. Meeting Robert Paul Champagne. That was huge. Crazy Lokes, I really liked him. That was great.


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[Assistant] I mean, this is pretty great. I'm honored. Thank you, Uncle Shine.


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[Assistant] Wow, I, I never, isn't how adapt, how adaptable the human being is. It's just- It's true. It's amazing.


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[Assistant] That's just really impressive. Wild. Yeah. Wonderful. Good for her. Good for her. And she, she looks like she's leading a fairly normal life. I mean, aside from doing mukbangs, uh, she's going to school. She's doing stuff. She's a productive person. This is fucking great. Yeah. Good for her.


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[Assistant] Aww, I like this. This to me is what love is about.


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[Assistant] But you know what I love more than anything, Salami? What's that? Is when we go home to your parents' house and you fart and your mom gives you the big, ay, Tommy, no!


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[Assistant] Do it, do it. Here, I'll be you, and then you be her.


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[Assistant] He farts. And, might I add, Tom, his farts were nothing compared to...


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[Assistant] Yeah, bullshit. Compared to your beavers that you let go on the regs, this guy doesn't even have them.


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[Assistant] Look how she looks at him. Check back in with her in 15 years and we'll see how charming this is. They have a kid, they have the kid on the couch. Still.


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[Assistant] She does, cause she is like this. She adores it. She's like, she's like, no.


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[Assistant] Would you do something for me? Sure. If I start smiling at your farts, listen to me.


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[Assistant] I need your support. I want you to hold my hand and make eye contact and really be there for me when I do brownstone.


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[Assistant] No but I need this. This isn't just a joke. Like I need you to look at me and make eye contact. You can't do that for me? Babe, I took care of you when you had one arm and one leg.


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[Assistant] Mommy's, don't you think that's not too much to ask that Tim make eye contact and hold my hand while I brown?


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[Assistant] That's the deal breaker. That's the deal breaker? For you. Is it for you? So Chase O'Donnell, my feature, who's lovely, you should check her out. She, we were doing deal breakers, and she was like, what if you asked Tom?


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[Assistant] To watch you make a brown and make eye contact and hold your hand, would he do it?


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[Assistant] What if that's fake? I'm pretending that's chocolate pudding. That's not chocolate pudding?


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[Assistant] I can't believe, after all I've done for you, I cut bangs? Getting nose rings?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, babe, what is happening with you? Is this some kind of midlife crisis now?


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[Assistant] Babe, I can't do, what do you, like surgeries and stuff? Doctor.


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[Assistant] What? What are you gonna change on me? I think I'm pretty- I'm okay.


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[Assistant] I do love these the most. These are my favorite. This has really become a popular segment. Everyone I've spoken to likes this one.


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[Assistant] I know, and he's gonna get his mucus suctioned out.


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[Assistant] That's a good one. That's good. That's how you react to that. That's a good relationship right there.


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[Assistant] Uh, so you've been getting into Latin music a lot lately. I mean, the last week and a half, it's just been like...


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[Assistant] Oh my god, and then you've been playing the songs where the guy suffers first, and then the woman chimes in with her suffering.


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[Assistant] You're really feeling your Latinx roots lately.


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[Assistant] Is this stuff your mother listened to? Cause she likes, she came over, who does she like? She and I listened to some stuff. She likes shit from like the 30s. I'm talking about things that I like.


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[Assistant] Then that's another thing, you're such a renaissance man. Now you're taking piano lessons?


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[Assistant] Speaking of brilliant musicians, Marcus King came, uhm, with his lady, Haley, and...


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, to my show in Nashville, we got to hang out and Brian Simpson came in. It was amazing. And Brian killed it. So funny.


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[Assistant] But, I mean Marcus, he's the coolest guy. You hang out with him and he's just this little baby faced 25 year old and then I was listening to his album El Dorado on the plane ride home and I was like, this guy.


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh. The voice of an angel. He sings like it's an other world.


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[Assistant] And his lyrics, you listen to his point of view and you're like, this kid is 25?


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[Assistant] It's a blessing, like if you're born with that kind of talent, it's a crime to not share it with the world, I mean.


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[Assistant] It's a gift to humanity, what we do. And also, I got into this, uhm, I'm a little late on this, but aren't we always late to great TV shows? I got into Cobra Kai.


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[Assistant] And man, I am team Cobra Kai all the way.


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[Assistant] It's, okay, the first episodes you're like, I don't know, but then it gets-


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[Assistant] You know what I like? Is that Johnny, the sensei for Cobra Kai.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it's adults like making fun of like wimpy, you know, fuckin' Gen Y kids. It's just, it's so great. Okay.


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[Assistant] I'm really into it, it's uh, you know, it's a children's show, but I like it, I watch it.


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[Assistant] A lot of people want to see your live show of you last comic jizzing. There's a lot of memes on Instagram. People are really excited.


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[Assistant] He listens to the show. Andrew, you know what to do.


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[Assistant] But first, I just wanted to point this out. I saw this article in the LA Times. And, you know, gosh, I didn't know if you've heard yet, Tom, but hiking has a diversity problem. This BIPOC, these BIPOC groups are working to fix it.


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[Assistant] Long time oppression and historical barriers have kept many people of color from feeling comfortable in the American outdoors.


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[Assistant] Now that may be changing. Groups in Southern California and around the nation have made it their goal to introduce people of color to nature in a positive way. Their mission is to remove barriers and help people experience the connection.


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[Assistant] Whether they are seeking fitness, healing, personal accomplishment, or knowledge, blah blah.


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[Assistant] So, here we go, there's a, you know, there's Latino outdoors, you may wanna, uh, join them.


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[Assistant] Well, no, they're, they're saying so like, for instance, if you're a disabled hiker, a resource center for those with disabilities who want to go outdoors. That makes sense. Is based in the Pacific Northwest, but is making inroads in California. Sure. The group accepts trail guides written by members of the disabled community and has plans to access. So basically, you go with a guide. See, that feels like a


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[Assistant] Okay, so there's a chapter in LA called, it's, the process of removing barriers, the hike before the hike. The idea is that people of color see themselves represented on the trail.


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[Assistant] So your first hike with the group is to Baldwin Hills scenic overlooking Culver City. You're encouraged by the families to show up the easy conversation that flowed between Spanish and English and how group founder Jose Gonzalez welcomed everyone.


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[Assistant] Los Angeles? The name Los Angeles? Yea. We're kind of friendly towards Latino people.


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[Assistant] Well, so just to do my research, I did ask Any before I brought this to everyone's attention, and I go, Any, do you feel like hiking has a diversity problem? He goes, he thinks about it, and he goes, well, I mean, I'd be afraid if I went hiking that my friends would beat my ass about how lame it is to hike.


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[Assistant] I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot! Yeah, wait a minute.


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[Assistant] What would be helpful is, cause it can be a menace to hike as a single woman, to have hiking groups of women so that we don't get harassed or raped or, or masturbated to. This is true, I'll tell you what, I have been in Griffith Park, I've seen guys jay in their D's in their cars, I've seen perverts along these hiking trails.


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[Assistant] And might I add too, in Nashville, you know, at these shows I look in the audience, I've got all kinds of people. There's black people, white people, people in wheelchairs come to the show. Now I have tables of Jewish people screaming, I'm a Jew!


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[Assistant] I swear, I swear to God, we're Jewish. I say great, welcome.


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[Assistant] Get the fuck outta here. Nadav hates the Jews.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you what I'm, I'm offended as an Angelino that they're like, hiking hazard in Los Angeles.


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[Assistant] Isn't the major- Google, how much of the ma- I think more than 51% of our population is Latino at this point, no?


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[Assistant] The majority of people in LA County are...


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[Assistant] Great! I love the Latinos. I don't, I, ugh, get the fuck outta here.


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[Assistant] I don't, I didn't laugh at all. I didn't laugh. I didn't LOL. I didn't charcoal at that.


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[Assistant] Dang dude, that was terrible. Babe, don't show me that shit.


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[Assistant] Dude, that was wild. It was. That just fell on him like that. I've never seen that happen. I don't know man. Where the whole wall falls on somebody.


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[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by our partner, whoop!