[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm putting the rush order on it. I don't know exactly how fast it comes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is really great. Speaking of that, by the way, uh, there's a bit of a refreshment on the merch page. If you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, we took down a bunch of designs and we put up a bunch of new ones. So there's a bunch of new stuff there. Check it out. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See what you like, uhm, there's YMH stuff, Thickboy Nation stuff, it's all there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 milligram Tom is there, it's all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know where it is. I will find it though. I will find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she charged like two dollars, and I was like, uhm, you didn't, uh, you didn't charge me the whole thing. And she was like, oh no, we appreciate your service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a police officer and I was like, oh, and you know what I did? Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's embarrassing. That's from episode 224 of Your Moms. I remember now where I don't say where I got the hacks. I don't want them to get in trouble, but I got that hack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I got the hat and somebody was, I just wore it because I remember when they gave it to me, they were like, oh, you know, it's obviously for you, but uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Stamps.com. I love Stamps.com because it makes you feel like you're in control of everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're now printing postage from your house. Did you ever think that was possible? I didn't. And you can actually do it now. And you actually save money with these discounts that you can't even get at the post office. As if that wasn't enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com also offers UPS services with discounts up to 62% and no UPS residential surcharges. What is going on? Stamps has taken over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com brings all the services of the US Postal Service right to your computer in the safety and comfort of your own home, office, or anywhere else you are hunkering down right now. Whether you're a small business sending invoices, an online seller, shipping out products, or you're just working from home and need to mail stuff,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com can handle it all with ease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just use your computer to print official US Postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. And once your mail is ready, you just leave it for your mail carrier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Schedule a free pickup or drop it in a mailbox. No human contact required. It's that simple. Right now our listeners


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This just says, beware. So I don't know what this is. Let's take a look. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? They're just nipple molds? Made of his jizz?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it crazy that that guy lives indoors? Like that you hear what he does, you see what he does, and he has a place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, fuck man. That's so gnarly. That was really tough. Speaking of gross things, look at this. Have you seen this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's pulling a condom, he's launching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was from the condom and they, they like did, uh, what's it called? You know, uh, last slingshot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so so far you're getting like, you're getting the picture of what's up? Yeaah. What kind of dude it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a cool video to post, where it's barely visible in pitch, pitch black darkness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is amazing. So as many of you know, we got some heat from the wrestling world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a few weeks ago. Did we? Yeaah, yeaah, some people were real sad. I guess we were talking some shit. Talked some shit. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna get into a whole bunch of wrestling stuff, but to great Fart Simpson. Fart Simpson, uhm, has done amazing, amazing stuff for us. Phone calls. He's now putting these phone calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One is IG, and I want to make sure I give it the correct, uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. So if you go on Instagram, fart underscore Simpson underscore prank calls is where he's now posting these. And he really, I'm telling you, he's done some incredible ones for our show. He's done them for other shows as well. Here is his latest, uhm, it's me, it's Tom calling a wrestler, uhm, to talk about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my fandom with The World of Breath, it's, it's, it's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm happy. How are you coping now with quarantine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the wrestling fans out there are really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, of course, he's so good. For sure, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think you're a pretty amazing wrestler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I was, uh, nine, we left Cincinnati and we moved to Minneapolis. And one of the people I played, uh, peewee football with was David Flair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day, we were at one of our Pee Wee games, and somebody goes, uh, oh hey, Ric Flair's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we look and there's a white limousine at a pee-wee football game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a dude in a full length mink coat. We're like, that's Ric Flair. And they're like, yeah, that's David's dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So amazing. He's not been an active wrestler in how long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta explore our options here because I really want you to grow some nice tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'd like to apologize. I lost my temper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. I think that wrestling is very cool. Like those jump edits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's uh, it's big, it's big news and we should explore a little more, uh, news right now. Maybe we can have, um, our buddy Potter jump in. Excuse me. And, um, how you doing, man? How's it going? How about that call? That was great, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely feel like there's nothing, you know, I've been doing it at home and, uh, before the quarantine. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, but I'm saying like, I like having someone do it, but you know, traveling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what could this guy, what could the haircut look like? What kind of haircut could it have been? Then again, Mark Davis, the owner of the Raiders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little menace. By the way, have you cut your hair? No, not once. So, you have quarantine hair growing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've trimmed your beard at all or no? I've trimmed my beard once. But the hair, the hair is pretty wild. Are you gonna, you're not gonna cut it till it's over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta take a picture of it before you shake it. Oh, I have plenty of pictures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that too, and that it was uhm, you know, you're like, oh, this guy's going down, and then nothing's ever happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why nobody is talking about the fact, they're like, do you think that they poisoned it? Like, I've gotten food poisoning from all different things. I don't think anybody put poison in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else, did this bother you about the uhm, like when, once it had aired and everything? Yea. All these people were like, you know, Mike, he could have been nicer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, like, one guy wrote an article, like, one thing we learned is that you don't have to be a bully. And I'm like, what a fucking, to me it was just like, you know, I admire, like, how dedicated this guy was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never did that because that's a crime. That's real fandom. Yeah, but that's what, yeah, but I respect it. Yeah, but like, the people who are now saying like, but Michael...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, to be a champion, and they're like, well, you could win a championship, but still be nice. Name one. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you are just such a remarkable out of this world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The contact would be, the contact would be the, like, the big adjustment, but don't forget, like, we're talking about someone who's 6'8", and, you know, 2'60", with, like, all muscle, and has a 40-some inch vertical, like, I'm saying that his speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think he's such a remarkable athlete that he could, he could almost do anything that you, like, you know, he might not become an all-star in every sport, but he's so, he's such a freak that I think he could be like, yeah, I'm going to start playing tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I know, I'm making the example of any sport, I'm saying-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also, we have, when you watch someone play basketball, we have really no comprehension of like, just how strong is that guy? You know, I think he's probably freakishly strong, right? Like if he were to grab you like this, he could probably throw most grown men through a fucking window, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah yeaah. He's like, I don't give a shit. And now he's like, he's like, these guys are a joke. The administration is their lion? Like now they're sassing each other. We've never seen it. I got off my skidoo. Presidents shitting and talking. Got off my skidoo to tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be nice. Real nice. Alright, uhm, should we take, uh, yeaah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just real quick, let me show you, uhm, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see Tommy Johns real quick? Let me show you Tommy Johns. This is a updated Tommy Johns. Okay, uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. Clavicles. Mr. Clavicles, thanks very much for pulling that. It was really cool. Uhm, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back, uh, joining us is a huge, huge fan of the worldwide sport of professional wrestling, a comedian and podcaster, our friend, Pony Hinchcliffe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of, of athleticism and drama, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I've been getting a lot of that when I first made it into the news. Everybody was like, wait till he finds out that the Spider-Man's not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm like, wait, what? And then they're like, wait till he finds out Breaking Bad scripted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, here's the thing I want to know. I feel like I can beat anybody in the world in wrestling. Absolutely. For a number of reasons. First of all, I'm dope. I'm Mystic Rick. I have solstice with me. That solstice? Right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's fine. Another hardcore wrestling fan from the world of comedy rarely seen without his swastika armband. It's Steve Simone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a hardcore fan when I was a kid, like. So tell me that, so you were, you were a hardcore fan. Yea, when I was a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardcore, wrestling fan, also a great comedian, uh, a great voice over actor, uh, the great Earl Skakel. Thank you so much for coming by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are, they are. And here's the thing, everybody he listed is significant if you're a fucking child. Right. You know? If you're a kid and you like, you like, I mean yea. Right, I thought they were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's be real clear about Dwayne real quick, okay? Let's be real clear about- Okay, you must know each other. You must know each other. Let's be clear about Dwayne. Dwayne tried to play a real sport and he tried to play football. We're real men, line up, and you gotta be good to beat your opponent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the turkey slicer, I can do anything, I can finish anyone. So if it's like, if we're scripting it out, why can't I just beat anybody in wrestling? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm putting it out there by the way, I'm down to fight anybody in wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's a lot of, who's, you know Jim Cornette? Very well. So, for people who don't know, can you explain who he is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had some things to say about what I had to say. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Jim said that Tommy Buns has a good point. Wow. I mean, what do you think of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I did know that, but so far this has been like my mother syncing up her phone with her laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What got you into it? Like, so you're a kid? Is that how you first get into it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean are you, is this like, this feels like the Ronan Farrow of, of wrestling, what you're doing right now. You're exposing the truth right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very sweet. I mean, I think in terms like, that's a lot like Mystic Rick, the character, and then Tom Segros, you know, the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, these are the two guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is sponsored by Blue Choo. Let's talk about something we could all use a little more of right now. Sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great sex. Guys, you can now increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed. Listen up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W dot com. Promo code HOUSE to try it free. Bluechew is the better, cheaper, faster choice. We thank them for sponsoring the podcast. Remember, we support our sponsors. You help make this podcast possible. So please be sure to use our promo code HOUSE at Bluechew dot com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like, look, I feel like, you know, I know there's a lot of care. I feel like Mystic Rick is dope as shit. And I feel like it's starting to get recognized by wrestlers. I feel like what I've been seeing and putting out there the last week or so, I feel like wrestlers are really starting to come around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I predict, ready? Uh, championship belts, holofame inductions, tons of turkey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A new nest for solstice. Money, money, money, money, money. That's what I predict.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the image and the character as a kid, but my favorite thing was in more recent years, uh, watching people wind him up, like he would go to a radio station or on Twitter, and they'd be like, you suck, and he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, look, yes, of course. And Rick Flair's a fan of Mystic Rick, who, you know, that's who I've been in the ring lately. I've been Mystic Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm like getting involved and I'm going into the ring as Mystic Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole wrestling world. And that is co-opting the term champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's kinda disrespectful to, you know, a championship. If you, if we're agreeing that things can be predetermined and we're like, you know, we know who the winner's gonna be, then isn't using the term champion disrespectful? You know what I mean? Like to Olympians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who doesn't respect Ric Flair? But the question is also, does Ric...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get why you liked it as a kid. Do you feel like your interest now is because it's nostalgia? Like is your interest in wrestling now due to the fact that it was something you followed as a kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, uhm, I'm down to wrestle, I'm down...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm aint a big fan of yours, Ron. I love you, Tom. I love both of you guys. This was fun to do. Uhm, sorry things got pretty heated there. Uhm, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime. I really do. Uh, I love you. You're hilarious. You're a great guy. Great comic. Appreciate you coming here. And, uhm, hopefully some of the, uh, you know, people out there will pick sides now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you comment on wrestlers' pages? Like, are you going to take on Mystic Rick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll do photos, all that shit in a little while. Uhm, thank you for stopping by though, I really appreciate you. So good to see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] America's war on gun crime is being fought on many fronts, from city streets to offices, even schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now the world's most powerful country has a new weapon. Yes, all action hero, Steven Seagal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the brainchild of controversial Arizona police chief Joe Arpaio, dubbed America's toughest sheriff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A teen won a contest to d Chicago's men and women in the city says it won't us they think it shows gang s look at the drawing. You


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, my poly people, isn't it just the most amazing feeling when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get to just soak up all that NRE and knowing that somebody loves your other half as much as you do and waking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that just the most amazing feeling when...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My husband found himself a girlfriend. It's one of our best friends and I am so incredibly happy. I can't share this on Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello? Hey, my name's Tom. It's my brother Norman's birthday today, and he is just absolutely obsessed with wrestling. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could he talk to you on the phone and just talk to a real wrestler for just a minute? Maybe you can wish him a happy birthday? Yea, absolutely. Oh, cheers man, that's awesome. Hold on one sec, I'll get him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't we use this app to lift each other up and inspire each other and not just bring each other down and point out flaws and say what we don't like about each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, quick reminder, uhm, I love you so much, and also, uh, you love you so much. You love you so much. There's a little you inside of you that deeply loves you. Make friends with that person, and it's gonna make your life better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. And right now, you can get a discount on your next mattress. $225 off. Just go to saatva.com slash y-m-h. S-a-a-t-v-a dot com slash y-m-h.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean when I'm alone in my car, I don't have to protect myself from my own air?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw the dumbest human on the planet trying to get out of the Starbucks parking lot. You know, and they can't. You can see her stupid mouth was open under her dumb mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stupid cunt. I also have, now in California and LA County, we're supposed to wear them just going out walking the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I think is kind of overkill, let's be real here, but are the virtue signalers in our neighborhood, they get on the next door app and they fully call you out. Yeah, they sure do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I don't think many people are getting COVID from walking outside in the open air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wear masks in the shower. Yep. In case it comes in through the drain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, sleep in a separate room from your spouse. You shouldn't be sleeping together at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't be careful enough, Tom. Happy Smurf Day. Uh, you're 41 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was talking to Dr. Drew yesterday and he mentioned that in the year 1900, the average lifespan was 45 max.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do feel like I've lived enough life. I mean, I'm not saying I want to die, but I feel like I've done it all. Don't you feel? I do feel a weird sense of like, this is going on too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I'm like, I mean, I want to live to see my children grow up and I want grandchildren. Other than that, I'm fucking like, dude, I've done it all. Like, I should not live past 44. I've been busy enough. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But some days I'm like, fuck, how much longer is this gonna go on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bad to do it in public. That's not fair. Kids around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a good one. But he was put into a weight room. It sounds like a gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm just trying to like, like even just listening to him talk, I feel the mania in his brain. Like if you just kind of like relax and let go with his energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 milligram Tom High. How are you doing with that? It's been great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you take it at night and we lay down and we watch our 90 day fiance before the 90 days. Yeah. And I'm like, are you ripped now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you why, because I love 10mg Tom because you get happier, sillier, more fun. I mean, you're really a delight, hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda like pre Lexapro, Christina, and then after Lexapro. It's like a big difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, cool. But we were watching 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 days, and so this dipshit who's trying to find Lana, his girl on the interwebs,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's so embarrassing. I have to say of all the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which he pays for. Every time. Every time. So he's spent over. She is 28.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so relieved that she's contacted him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really feels like mommy's back. Right. Oh thank god we're back on. I thought she'd left me. Like he really felt relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and he's afraid to ask her those questions because he's like, she's gonna disappear. It's so dysfunctional. It's so fucked up. I bet he had alcoholic parents, but anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, before that, he gets nine roses, which is an interesting count. I didn't even know they sold them in nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? You said, I almost got you, Nying Rose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He still thinks there's Alana, which is crazy at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what's interesting is I feel the opposite. I used to feel sad for him. Now it's descending into rage because it's like, bro, you're 60 years old. You're a grown ass man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, it is, you know what it reminds me of too, we were talking about this on the way in, that dynamic of the horrible, the terrible woman and the sweet guy, like Big Ed and his Rosemary, she could not give a rip about him. She is not warm, not affectionate, sweet guy, sweetest guy on the planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's something to that maybe that unattainable, like he just, he keeps, he can't help himself. Yeah. He keeps hoping that mommy's going to show up. It's going to be okay. Yeah. It's, it's some deep wiring, but I don't know, man, but he's a real TikTok. He is really dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, how come? Whatever. It is enraging. I don't like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a disorder, the woman who was on taxi, the red-haired woman. Yeah. I forget her name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's able to recall every day of her life in explicit detail. You can say November 3rd, 1972. She's like, I woke up at 8am, I had oatmeal for breakfast, I wore a pink shirt. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's an actress on Taxi, yea. Which has to be great for memorizing dialogue. I've thought about that too. But like, retarded savants. Yea. Idiot savants, retarded savants. Talented, immense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, hold on, what's the one I saw yesterday? What's it like to smoke crack? It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you ever put your balls on your face? Okay. Make your wife smell it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're adorable, aren't they? They're the most adorable. They look up and they go, Diana Ross. They have to look up for the answer, which is so sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to imagine it's what they heard growing up. That's what I would think, right? It's like, it's what you know. Cause they must have just sat and listened to the radio. Probably cause they probably like the repetition or something. Right. And that's, that's amazing. It's unbelievable. It's amazing. In some ways they're, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had a smurf day, happy smurf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, quarantine b-days are probably not that different than regular b-days for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, like, you've never been a party guy, so for me to arrange a party, I did-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well one time I did do a birthday surprise party at that restaurant. Oh yea. And I could tell you were visibly miserable. Even though it was like our closest, it was like Bert and Leanne and like your cousin Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I could tell you were so uncomfortable and the whole time I was like, you having fun? And you're like, yeah. Like you were so ready to go home. So after that I learned that party's off the table. Maybe at best we would have gone to like a steakhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For your birthday, order some like butter cake and that and call it a night. That sounds a good one. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then maybe we, we eff before dinner, which is always the rule. You gotta fuck before you have dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus you fart a lot, everything gives you gas. So after we have meat and vegetables, I get to hear about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sugar makes no one fart. Does sugar make anybody in the booth fart? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Retarded today. Can you google sugar causing diarrhea? And see if that's a thing or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think this is a thing. I think it's something else. Is there something else you're consuming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is, okay, that's how common. Yeah, that's not what is. No, see, don't Google how many people have dumping. It's what is dumping syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what is this where you go brown? Like eggs will make you do it? Like if you eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, not even an issue. I fart a little on some cruciferous vegetables but uhm, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'll tell you, it gives me diarrhea. Mexican food, that's too spicy. Like, after we ate those 500 different kinds of tacos, the next morning was pretty volatile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much garlic, if I sometimes pizza rev. That'll do it. Gives me diarrhea, but there's too much garlic in that sauce. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommies, jeans, you know you're trying to avoid going out where there's a lot of people. Avoid going to the post office. Use stamps.com instead. Very exciting news right now. Stamps.com offers all the service of UPS. Boom. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, now you can have UPS as well as USPS stuff shipped from your house, which is so easy. Stamps.com brings all the services, the US Postal Service right to your computer in the safety and comfort of your own home, office, or anywhere else you're hunkering down right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you're a small business sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products, or you're just working from home and you need to mail stuff, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease and now with the UPS it really is a great time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com gets you great discounts, 5 cents off every first class stamp, and up to 40% off USPS shipping rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty great. It's a no-brainer, guys. So right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what you're gonna do, go to Stabs.com, click on the microphone at the top of the home page, and type in Mom, that's Stabs.com, enter Mom. Stay safe, my friends. Selfie your smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's had his intestines removed, and he's had diverticulitis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the champion dumper of the house. And they're always quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially when you gotta wipe him up. Yeah, you wipe him up. I wipe, I take, and his wipes aren't always that clean, so I'm like back in there, and I'm in there, and I'm like, are you clean? You feel, you feel like they're still there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just delaying bedtime. Little kids will make up anything to go to avoid bed. They lie. He gets me with I'm hungry mommy and like what mom isn't going to feed her child. So I'm like alright let's go get you some snack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and see how sweet you got? You were like recalling a nice story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're connected emotionally. It's really good for you. Drugs are a good thing. I'm really into this guy. Okay. You like to talk. Yeah, I do. You're always like, let's talk when you're high. I'm like, yeah, dude, let's talk. First time in 15 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I didn't steal a battler. How would I have stolen it? Uh, I mean, we all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, let's go to the quarantine celebration we had. So because you're anti-social.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We stay home anyway. I got you balloons. You had Luffy's delivered to the house. Nice Luffy's. We had presents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made you a chicken, your favorite. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike. And I must say, what a wonderful job he did. He was really engaged. He was genuinely happy for you. He acknowledged that you're 50 and that you fart a lot. I mean, all in all, I say, wonderful cameo. He was money well spent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well this is a good question. So at what point in dating somebody do you make them aware that you're a convicted felon? Like is that third date? Is that I'm meeting your mom the day you're meeting somebody's mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just say yea- yes, Tom. I'm sorry. I don't mean to mock you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm sorry, you're right, I won't mock you. No, this is fine, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you don't like it because they never mentioned that 20 years ago he was a felon and now he's a normal person. He's changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not immediately, but like when we were starting to get more serious. I would definitely bring it up before I flew to the Ukraine to meet somebody's family. Yea. That's not cool. Yea, that's true. To do it the day he's gonna meet her family is fucked up. Cause then she can't decide like, hey, I don't, you know, you taking that decision away from her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I would've done it when we're like, starting to be like, I think I love you, I think this is serious. I'd be like, well, okay, well, full disclosure, I just- Because that can impact your marriage. You know what I mean? He's a felon, so there's certain jobs he can't do. He can't fucking vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, who knows if he can travel, stuff like that. It's gonna impact your day to day life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, cause it's a job. It's considered a job. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. But anyway, so that was Varya's cameo to you. I thought that was really nice. She did a great job. She looks great. She put her little makeup on. She's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I do, I, what I think is interesting about this is like, obviously, I told her to tell you to eat healthy and stop smoking, you don't smoke, but uhm, you can tell that she was like, blah, blah, blah. I think someone's told her. She's been hearing that her whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she has to know that it's true. Like you are too old for this hot Nigerian guy. Like it's absurdity. It's absurdity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's bad. You know my favorite part about uh, the 90 Day Fiancé the other way, is when Americans go to places like Nigeria and the Philippines, and they're really outraged at like, wha, there's no air condition in here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, there's no luxury mattress. Like, no, you stupid cunt. Like you're in a different country. They do things differently. Of course. And she's the most upset when she goes to Nigeria. She's like, what am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what, cause we're performers, so we're, it's not, like why can't we handle it? I agree, I don't like it either, it feels-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, I think it's the opposite where I feel like it's too emotional. Like if it's people who love me singing it to me, I'm like, oh my god. I'm talking about in a restaurant. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like it in a restaurant cause it's fake. Like I like to pretend it's my birthday and have them sing to me. That doesn't bother me. But when it's real and there's actual feelings and like the people who love me are singing, I get really uncomfortable. It's too much. It's overwhelming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I like it when it's strangers. I should probably be seeing hookers and stuff because I can't connect emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking piece of shit, Doug. That's the best birthday video ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate people singing to me, just in general. But you know what I really hate? We were watching Peter Pan, the new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you must feel very special, all these star-studded happy birthday messages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's kind of, he's ginger. He's a ginger, but- Doesn't he look like the Rage Against the Machine guy? It was in the 90s. The dreads and the- Yeah, but this is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Rachel Dolezal. Like you're born one race and then you transition into another. He's fully convinced that he's a black man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I will say that a tattoo that says fuck whites is pretty hard. You're committed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, is it such a negative message? I'm pro-black people too. I'm black power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and he's missing teeth in the front too, don't forget. He's airing out those missing teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there are three camps of people. There's people that are complying and believe that this is a threat. There are people who are protesting the threat. Yep. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so pleased with himself. He set the camera up and he's looking in it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who are these people that are rebelling against Proto? Yeah, like, okay, you're taking this personally? Very personally. This is not your mommy and daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, like, I've been learning so much about China since this happened, where they regulate people's social media and they tell you what to do. It's not so bad. We don't get to see anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop, I'm not gonna get into that. You- you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ruin the foundation of our loving, trusting marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the record, I've been overseas to entertain those said troops. At gunpoint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been to Afghanistan, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia. Hello? Is that someone who does stolen valor? I've lived on an oil platform in between Iran and Iraq.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've been on FOBs, I've flown out in Afghanistan, I've flown to Kyrgyzstan, I've performed in Manas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't that be the best part of touring these USO tours? If at the end they're like, here's a stick of dynamite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to throw a grenade at a bunch of fuckin' Taliban wouldn't you? Sure, yeaah. Yeaah, it'd be pretty fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the motherfucker in front of you doesn't know what they want. You know, and they're like, I don't know. And you're like, ass fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were standing in line for a half hour or like at Starbucks and they don't know? Oh, you know what really makes me crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me get a- I- I want a double tall- And I'm like- The phrase? Let me get a- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. As somebody that's been a barista and a server.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes me crazy. Le-uh, lemme get her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not polite. I don't like that. Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and guess what part of the world this shit's in? What language do you hear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jumping on your bed and shit? What if that thing gets diarrhea in the night? Forget it dude. Oh fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all need a break every now and then. God knows, we're all spending more time with our kids. And I have to tell you, when my kids are playing with each other for like, you know, five whole minutes, I immediately go play Best Fiends. I love it. It's on my phone. I don't need an internet connection to play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the colors. I like the music. It sounds silly. I'm a grown woman, but I really do love it because the puzzles are challenging, but not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super challenging to where you don't want to go back and every time you level up, it's like you have to figure out how to do something a whole new way. It's just great. It's a, it's at the right level of mental engagement. So you're not overly taxed. You're not under stimulated or overstimulated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they update the game monthly with new levels and events so it never gets old. It doesn't require the internet like I said, so you can play it anywhere at any time. Best Fiends has thousands of levels already with new levels, events, and characters added every month. It's hours of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right at your fingertips. You can even play offline with over 100 million downloads and tons of five star reviews. Best Fiends is a must play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love them. We sleep on them every night. I love them because they're fresh, they're clean, they're crisp, they're just fantastically soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, anyway, can I tell you about my epiphany? I had a stupid epiphany, uh, much like the moment where I realized I should towel dry off before I put on clothing, I have had another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as you all know, I've shared on the show that I need coffee the moment I wake up and I have a coffee station in our bathroom. So in the morning I wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do my coffee and like I'm ready to go. Well, my dumbass for the last like year or whatever they've been doing this coffee station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the other day I was shopping for groceries, and I was like, oh fuck dude, I can buy TWO pints of creamer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can put one upstairs in the tiny fridge and then, and it's there and then another one. Cause my brain was like, I can't have, how am I going to have the milk in the kitchen and the milk in my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can just buy two half pint things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're like, oh my god, this whole time I've just been suffering. I could just buy two, I could spend like three dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw that and I've been following him already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you what he might be doing. Cause I've done this before. Maybe he's trying to not, you know when you sit on a couch, your fat rolls, like no matter who you are, unless you're super skinny. Maybe he's trying to avoid fat rollage. Yea, but he's- The ankle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even if you're lean, everybody looks like shit sitting down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, he has an authentic vampire's cave. Yea. Like, it's not like your house or my house where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause now he's gonna make movies forever, which is good. I love watching him. He's such a great actor. The best. He's handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the rocking back and forth is bizarre. He's rocking back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lift people's spirits. Do something positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uplift the people. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The actors specifically feel the need to, to download to us. Alec Baldwin this week was like, uh, my hair, everybody's doing, my hair is getting long. I'm really bummed out. Like, what are you doing? Everyone's bummed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, and how annoyed are you? And how condescending is it for celebrities to keep telling us to stay home and stay healthy? Like, oh okay, Johnny Depp told me, now I'm gonna do it. Of course. You fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on. But hold on. Now I'm in. Like I want him to get on TikTok. I want to explore. See, social media never existed for many, many years and we never got to know how crazy our favorite actors were. And now there's no veil. Now you can know exactly how warped their realities are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's so specific, like imagine being Johnny Depp when he was what, 17 was already a huge star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super fame and super pussy powers because he's so handsome. This guy is so, I had a poster of him on my wall from the time I was like 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he wearing suspenders like leather? Yea, now that you point him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much. It's too much. It's not even enjoyable to be this famous. It can't be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what's great about our lives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's great about at least my level of quote fame is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's the, it's the FedEx driver who's like, Mommy! And I'm like, what's up, homie? It's very low key. I can't even imagine being...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. You gotta have no's. Too many, too no boundaries. And he has never had them since he was 18. It's crazy. It's totally unchecked. It's like. Fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's such a horrible life because you're not even a normal, you're not a human being anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like who do you trust? How do you know that anybody ever really wants to be your friend? How do you know you're- Yeah. You kind of only have to have your OG friends. Right? Yep. Like how do you make new friends when you're that fucking famous? It's crazy. I wouldn't trust anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me know when they get to deck size. I think that's probably the most important episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, sidebar, but related.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a DM from a gal who, uhm, has friends that have bedded many Los Lakers, she says, she claims. Really? And I go, how are their dogs? And she goes, enormous. A lot of big, big dogs on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm just confirming the gossip that I've heard about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll just end on the Lakers. To be specific. Lakers specifically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much. And I, I mean, I didn't follow basketball growing up, but I knew who Michael Jordan was, I knew who's on the Chicago. Everybody, everybody, that's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna break his jaw so that he can take five dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you're saying that Josh has to get fucked in the ass by his own father?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's not the virus, it's a chemical weapon released by Kim Jong Un, and he's got the antidote. He's the villain. He's the villain, and he wants to see Nadav eat this month's pussy, and then once he's happy with that video, then he gives us the antidote. And the vaccine I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but this way, you might die from COVID. You might die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good Samaritan, yes. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd do it. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you're saving the fucking world. You don't even think it's her, you don't think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you? Okay, different scenario. Same thing, Kim Jong Un has the antidote. But, you have to become retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? It's not, but think about it, that's a price to pay. You're becoming retarded to save the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just answering the question, it's not that crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I feel sad for my children, though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the whole Forrest Gump Jenny thing, like, is she, Jenny taking advantage of Forrest? You're like, you're a child, you're childlike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sad, the sad thing is like they're, the only reason I wouldn't is cause I don't want my children to get raised by just you and some other hooker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, in the both, would you go retarded to save?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is that an easy question? You don't want your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but who's gonna take care of you? Who's gonna take care of you? Think about it. You can't work here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could probably get a job at Wingstop, but what would you do? You'd be refilling ranch, containers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying he doesn't get to get the reward from the sacrifice and he's bummed because he won't get rewarded for his sacrifice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you could never perform again unless you became the world's first retarded comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so you're suggesting that I sacrifice my last moments on earth licking your butthole. Which is something I don't want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like Annie's b-hole. His b-hole sees no action. It's, it's clean. You know what I mean? Like he shits once a month. It's probably pristine. Nadav's is a goddamn mess. Potter's probably gross too. He's got a lot of hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yours is just non-stop volatility. It's a war zone down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna have the wherewithal to do this when the plane's going down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, nobody would really pay attention, cause everyone would be so afraid of dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really funny, like, what if that really was our agreement? And then you're like, oh my god, it's happening. Christina, hurry, lick my scrum. And then I'd be like, oh my god. And I'd lick your, that's crazy. And then they discover our bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my face is in your asshole. And the forensic people are like, wait a minute, this lady, her life was saved, but she put her face in this guy's butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it cushioned her head from the blow. The trauma to her head was lessened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, bowling? Cricket? Cricket? We can go down a long list. Curling? Almost everything that's not basketball, football, UFC, everything else, it's got it. Curling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, sometimes it is a fight. There's times where it is a fight. And there's times where it is a sport. It's def- I mean, it's definitely... It depends on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But scripted. Scripted for sure. So is Game of Thrones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, mayonnaise is real, but sometimes it goes bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me just say that like you can watch UFC, right? I'm a huge, I'm one of the rare hybrid, I mean it's not that rare. There's a lot of pro wrestling UFC fans. I'm a huge fan of both. And sometimes UFC


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it'll just be a janky matchup of chemistries and it won't be. It won't be great. Especially as great as you thought it would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens a lot. That's right. Whereas with pro wrestling, sometimes it's greater than you thought it would be, and it's always sort of as entertaining as you thought it would be. No. Because it is scripted. It has the benefit of a script. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That solstice doesn't seem very excited about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a pretty good point that you have there. If it's scripted, technically you could beat anybody, but you still have to, you know, you start from the bottom and you grow. You don't just, most people don't come out guns a blazin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, have you seen, first of all, how does this turkey slicer work? Cause I'm a big fan of the technique of wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see, that would be, technically that would be a disqualification because that's using a foreign object.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, what about the chairs? The chairs are, that's only- That's a DQ? In a hardcore match, yea. What do you mean? It is a DQ or it's not a DQ? It's a DQ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You thought you were just gonna go up against everybody with a chair. You're just gonna come in with a chair and slices of turkey and dominate a sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you do that, I'm gonna jump across that table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] K-fab? K-fab? What is it? K-fabe. K-fabe? I'm going straight for solstice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you something about this Mystic Rick character. Like, do you predict the future? Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. It's powerful. That is Olympic gold medalist and multiple time champion Kurt Angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, there, I guess you have somewhat of, somewhat of an argument there, but the only person to win it 16 times is Ric Flair. Oh really? Who, I mean, you must respect Ric Flair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it comes to Mystic Rick, and you know, we're all brothers and sisters of the same industry, and as a fan of both, comedy and pro wrestling, I think I have no choice. But you've probably foreseen this since you're a mystic, and I'm just falling right into your trap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it's, it's tough for me to say, but I'm switching sides here. I'm on Team Mystic. Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a pleasure to be here as always. Love you guys. Appreciate it brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go find yourself a black person and buy him some fucking food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her elder sister Bethany was breastfed until she was five, and still has fond memories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like them so much they even have names for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In some ways, they are retarded and in some ways, they're geniuses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I see that again? In some ways they are retarded and in some ways they're geniuses.


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[Assistant] You have? I've had 10 centimeters of my colon removed. I forgot that.


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[Assistant] I thought it was Sharpie at first, but then I cross referenced it along all of his videos and they're all there. Nice.


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[Assistant] Right, like you see, like you see that he's all keyed up right now, and he's mad. And then I think he did something that starts putting him more at ease.


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[Assistant] I thought it was a bit too, and like every video that I looked on his channel was just like this. Where he's just fighting for the cause.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, like I scrolled three or four times and I only got like past like a week or two. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Dude, it was crazy, like the, the scenario is so weird, where it took me ten minutes to try and figure out if it was green screen or not.


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[Assistant] Uh, so the, the, the, the camera flicker filter that he put on it is insane. It starts off with a 10 second countdown to a social media video.


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[Assistant] And it's eight minutes long. His first Instagram post is eight minutes long. Yeah. And it's all in this monotone. I was just like, I don't understand what Tom finds funny in this. No, I just, I just saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so at, okay, okay. So at first it starts off with, Hey, Nadav cured COVID, but we don't know how everyone congratulate him.


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[Assistant] Okay, hold on, so if we know this is going in, then it's like we just have to trust Kim Jong Un that he'll give us the antidote after I eat my mom's pussy. What if he doesn't?


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[Assistant] Really? I'd rather possibly die than eat my mom's pu- come on, come on, Tom!


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[Assistant] You mean, would you trade in a difficult, semi-complicated life for a very simple one that you don't need to, you literally don't need to worry about anything anymore?


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[Assistant] That's also kinda not my problem. I wouldn't even know. I just, like every day is just the same to me. Is someone taking care of me? Is someone not taking care of me? It's all the same. Am I getting my cereal in the morning? That's all that matters.


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[Assistant] Part two, if you're gonna fall in love with me, and I'm doing this on my own volition. So part two is, do you really think you can deal with my TikTok life?


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[Assistant] Mine and my daughter's life. My walls are up. I'm hard to break down. I'm not gonna play any fucking games with anybody.


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[Assistant] I don't do drama, and I never will.


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[Assistant] This is part two of if you fall in love with me. You have to deal with the fact that I run my own detail business and wrench on cars and that I am a fucking natural flirt. It's not something I can change, but I'm always going to come home to you. I'm never going to lie or cheat on you. This is part two.


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[Assistant] So part two is, do you really think you can deal with my TikTok life?


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[Assistant] Uh, well the way that OnlyFans works is you can pay a monthly subscription, but then there's also, you could have locked content in the DM so that you can tip, you know, maybe $15, $20, and then you unlock the content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, I mean, I don't know what our monthly, uh, rate is, I mean, we could click and see, but, uh, you know, some, they like to have the monthly subscription low, uh, to incentivize you to tip for the extra content, you know, and then that's a real money maker there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, what she's doing here is she's using her Twitter to solicit, uh, volunteers to be in content with her. Right. And then she takes, she films it, and then she takes it to the OnlyFans, and then people, her subscribers get to watch her suck and fuck. Strangers. Yeah, whoever.


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[Assistant] Would I sleep with it? Here's, uh, my concerns. I think I could. Uh, how, I mean, I've never slept with a lady of this age. Uh, what's the, like,


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[Assistant] It would be weird, uh, I mean, she's like, not my grandma's age, but she would be.


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[Assistant] Well she is in a need of content, she needs to make content, so.


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[Assistant] And can I tell you, uh, it's not necessarily this age demographic, but that's the most fun thing about OnlyFans and like porn today is when like a normal girl is doing it.


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[Assistant] The other thing that concerns me is the old lady's smell. I'm looking at her now and like, could that be a thing? I'm not disparaging her.


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[Assistant] I don't know that I would be the star, I think they would just see my penis, which is fine, and they'd see her doing whatever, like she said you can wear a sack over your head or something like that.


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[Assistant] That's true, I am very... Well, I guess that's, uh, it comes with the territory. Yeah, you're in the biz now. Yeah, so...


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[Assistant] Uh, not to throw it in a tangent, uh, when we go to Vegas, Alexis Fox wants to be in one of my sex works.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she wants to collaborate on a sex work, uh, piece that I got out of shoulder hair porn.


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[Assistant] Right, her skin looks great. She looks fine. I've seen some granny porn that, uh, you know, she looks way better than. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But she doesn't look, she looks like she moisturizes. Yeah. She's got them big old titties. Yeah. Definitely. God bless her.


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[Assistant] Oh, I'm going to be in Sacramento, April 2nd through 4th. I'm gonna be in, uh...


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[Assistant] Huntsville, Alabama, May 12th. Nashville, May 13th. And, uh, I'm gonna be in Chicago on May 20th. This is great, man. Those are great, great cities, great gigs.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, so uh, go to my Twitter and buy some fucking tickets. Great, great.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like if you're fighting with a comedian, they're like way more annoying than fighting with just like a regular person who's not funny.


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[Assistant] Oh but wait, the thing that's important to mention about Mosha's argument group is these are like very...


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[Assistant] But how does it have an effect on someone else?


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[Assistant] But the thing I don't, but the thing I don't love about it is I always ask Moshe, how many times do people, like when he's in a heated debate with someone, they never seem to change their mind. That is true. And I'm like, everyone's just on there stating their opinion. Every time I've ever changed my mind.


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[Assistant] You know, that's what's so great when you do like a point counterpoint and listen to like two different sides of the story, like everyone has great points, like we just saw what the constitution means to me and at the end.


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[Assistant] That's what I ended up thinking after I heard all the information because it just seems not so chaotic. You know, at least there's like some, some format that's already up.


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[Assistant] I mean, the whole argument of women having, like having open relationships after they have children is funny and absurd to me. It's like, oh, you're breastfeeding at the singles bar, like trying to meet new people. It's so different for a man and it just feels so obviously sexist to me.


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[Assistant] I just remember him, here's why I don't quite remember, I just remember him in general being kind of immature.


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[Assistant] So it's like he, he didn't really get it. You know what I mean? Like he just needed to be.


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[Assistant] Wow. That's why going away by yourself can actually, now I'm starting to remember all of this, I think that it can like, just having space, you can sometimes think, that's why in the moment I never like having like, he's so good in the moment, but I need time to think about what I think.


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[Assistant] I wanna see where he lives. See, he's not, he, he, if he was living in here, I'd be a little more impressed. He could fuck us all up.


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[Assistant] He's saying it like he thought of it and you've told me that so many times, I'm like, he definitely thinks that about me.


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[Assistant] You know, because the woman just naturally takes on a little bit more of the childcare duties, even if it is like getting the nanny and scheduling everything. You're just as a woman way more absorbed. I don't know my experience. No, me too.


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[Assistant] I dated a guy once and I remember when he got mad at me, I think I might have cheated on him, but he was like, I can't believe you moved to Hollywood. That's all Hollywood needs is another 26 year old with eye bags.


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[Assistant] But you, do you try to like- I go for the weakness. Do you really? You would like make fun of his physicality?


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[Assistant] I'm one of those people, I'll say, me too, but sometimes I'll say mean things, but accidentally, like I didn't think it was mean.


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[Assistant] Cause he's on Nicorette gum, so he's like chomping, like a, like masticating like a cow, like cow chud, or whatever it's called, like, in a, like con, cud, is that what it is? Yeah, it's cud.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing we have to remember you guys, cause you know, we study relationships cause we study our own and we talk about it on our podcast, is that we have to, together, we're a team. And like some of us are better at certain things than others, like that's what I was trying to think, like Moshe's so good at cooking, I was like, I want him to start


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[Assistant] Log on for all of our flights and print out the, get all the boarding passes, do all of that, like get it all ready.


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[Assistant] You know, check us in early. Like that drives me crazy.


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[Assistant] Who got the cupcakes, the food, the, the invite, the...


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[Assistant] But I want to be able to do that and I want to have control of that and I want to have control of the schedule because I'm just like better at it and I feel like I can do so many things at once and like I'm totally fine taking that on but then there's some things that I want you to do.


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[Assistant] Wait, he's driving drunk? Well, he just like downed something quickly.


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[Assistant] Do you think that the internet is making people start to feel that if they don't, if people don't know who they are, they don't exist?


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[Assistant] Because it feels like everyone wants to be noticed now even for something really negative. Yes. It's a little scary.


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[Assistant] I don't want to wake her up. Sure. And you know they have those little paper cups that have the plastic. So I took the plastic off and then.


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[Assistant] She has woken up before from someone peeing and flushing the toilet or whatever.


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[Assistant] I took a shower in there, but I would always like to go to Dr. Bronner cause it felt...


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[Assistant] Sometimes it's so cold. I love it. But at night, sometimes I had, like my toes were numb when I was working in the cafe at night one of the years. So it's like kind of uninhabitable. It gets like super hot and then super cold some years.


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[Assistant] That's when I realized that Mosha has like a small fantasy of being a cop.


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[Assistant] Like he likes like telling people what to do a little bit and like, like I don't have that at all. Like I don't want to ever tell someone they're in trouble.


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[Assistant] Well hearing you talk about that is nice, but I still have to say the festival has never moved me. Right.


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[Assistant] It's always kind of failed to like, get- do it for me. But that also makes sense though, right?


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[Assistant] But there is no music, like the music at Burning Man is what's kind of annoying about it, cause it's all techno. It's not like it's a music festival where there's bands and stuff.


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[Assistant] Now is he responding to someone saying like- People are commenting. They're commenting under- So this is like a couple that is like publicly kissing on TikTok and then people are like, oh you guys are related.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's 2020. Are you gonna do it? Are you finally gonna do the website that you've been talking about? Are you gonna make it with your own two hands using square space? I hope you do. I have built


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[Assistant] They have e-commerce functionality, lets you sell anything online. You can customize a look and feel. And the best part is, uh, their customer service. If you have any questions, they get back to you so quickly. Free and secure hosting, built in search engine optimization.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and thank you for my, my poochy wallet. This is amazing.


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[Assistant] But I, I'm more, most importantly, and I'm sure what the listeners are curious about, is we saw your dining habits on The Grum, and you were eating like a snake, and all kinds of crazy shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and they're not gonna poison their community.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like they're not gonna make people sick. Cause then they won't be around for 20 years. Right. It's a legitimate establishment.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then you're squatting, and then do they have a bar? Cause I know in Kyrgyzstan they did that too. And in Kyrgyzstan they put like two metal bars on the floor so you could at least hold on to the bars and then shit in the hole. It's fucking hard.


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[Assistant] Now, in Hungary, and in a lot of the Eastern world, they have these toilets where, like, when you take a brown,


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[Assistant] It lands on a porcelain level and then you pull the rope and then like water pushes your brown off that porcelain level and down. Did you have that toilet?


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[Assistant] Don't you wish that when you flush the toilet on a plane, it just dumped it out into the sky?


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[Assistant] So what, I mean, I've had them here on the mainland and they're rare and they're special, but I'm so mystified when it happens, is do you ever get the foot long turd?


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[Assistant] No, that's the thing that's deceptive about the footlong grounds, is that they don't feel like they're that long. And so when they happen,


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[Assistant] It's like a mystical thing, cause you're like, that felt like a small, that was probably nothing. And then I turned around and I was like, oh my god, this is an enormous brown.


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[Assistant] You're just gonna dismiss that? I mean, Nadav, you've had that, right? Where you're like, this is nothing, and then you turn around and it's like a foot longer.


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[Assistant] It's great because I like the colors, I like the characters, I like the sounds, the sounds are adorable, and it's challenging just enough to keep me coming back for more, but it's not so challenging that when you're kinda tired or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you don't want to get too invested. It's not like a heavy, heavy, hard game, but it's fun. And it's, it's great. I highly recommend best fiends. They change the game monthly and there's new levels and events. So it never gets old. Uh, it is free to download the app, which is great. Um, and yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out as much as you can. I love best fiends. Engage your brain with fun puzzles and collect tons of cute characters. Trust me, with over 100 million downloads, this five star rated mobile puzzle game is a must.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends. I'm a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people don't realize we had the entire sagura clan over at our house for-


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[Assistant] It was horrible. I spent a month preparing. That was the worst idea. Oh my god. Never again. Never again. Here's what happened. We had a door ripped off because the kids were slamming it so much. One of the safety gates for the dogs got ripped up. Someone spilled wine on our couch and then you're


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[Assistant] We were off the rails, man. I wasn't good. So I was so stressed out that, you know, I was so stressed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took, you know, I take CBD at night. Should we get into this story? Is this okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the night before our Christmas. This is the 23rd. 23rd of December. The saguras have descended on us. Uhm, I'm taking care of the kids.


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[Assistant] And so I'm with the kids, I'm trying to get the house ready, the, the in-laws are arriving, everybody's arriving, I'm stressed out to the gills, I, you know, I'm drinking my wine, I'm


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing this and that, and I'm in bed, and I think to myself, I'm just gonna do some CBD drops like I normally do, I'm gonna chill out, I'm just gonna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take my tea, CBD oil, I pass out around 11, 10, 30, 11.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, I noticed like a lag in my vision. Like, you know, when you, it's hard, like you ever done acid before and you kind of move your head and you go wah, wah, wah, like that kind of trail. Yeah. And I was like, that's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just thought, well maybe I'm still dreaming because I may be sleepwalking because I would sleepwalk as a kid. And I thought I was in a deep sleep when you came in. I thought maybe my brain thinks I'm asleep and this is what's that sleep paralysis. And I put my head on the pillow.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, wait a minute, this is, my head is not working right. Something is wrong. Am I asleep? Am I in sleep paralysis? Something's wrong. Something is wrong. And then you lay down next to me.


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[Assistant] Because I was so out of my head and I was like,


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[Assistant] My thoughts aren't right and my vision was like fractal vision and I'm like something's wrong. I think I'm having a stroke. Like I really thought that my...


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[Assistant] I decided that night that I was gonna put a little stink on my CBD game because I was so stressed out. I thought I'm just gonna take a little bit of the kind with THC in it. Just a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I took a little dose and like an hour had passed and I was like, oh, this is like real chill. So I'm just gonna, oh, like I took a bunch cause it was the kind that Sammy had given me from the comedy store. Mhm. Tripoli.


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[Assistant] And so I just, I would load it up. And the reason I panic so much is I had taken it like four hours before I'd woken up and tripped. So I was like, wait, but I took that shit four hours ago. How can I be this high?


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[Assistant] But Tom said I was okay and that this is just drugs and he's not a liar, so I'm okay. And then I would have a full panic attack where my heart would pound out of my chest and the adrenaline, full panic, and then I would talk myself down.


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[Assistant] And then I would go, I'm, I'm on drugs. I'm okay. I'm on, Tom's not a liar. It can't be real. And then panic attack. I would have rolling panic attacks until about 6 a.m. And then I.


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[Assistant] Just got out of bed, took care of the kids. I was like, I can't take care of the kids this high, I remember. I was like, Tom, I can't take care of our kids.


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[Assistant] Well, cause you know when you're that psychotically high, like you don't know how much time has passed, you don't know if it's one minute or ten years or-


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[Assistant] Yeah, and the next morning I was so grateful. I was still high when I got up to take care of the children. But I was so grateful to you because you were my rock. And if I had just woken up and gone pee and you weren't there, I would have been hospitalized. Like I would have called the ambulance. You really would have? 100%. Because I thought I had forgotten that I had taken the CBD. I'd forgotten.


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[Assistant] And I was just like, meh, I'm just going lowes in my mind. It was crazy. I'm never taking shit that Sam Tripoli gives me.


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[Assistant] But anyways, so the next day was Christmas Eve, we were fine, we had a horrible time with our families, just because Tom and I were doing everything, and then we finally go to Hawaii.


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[Assistant] Because I was like, oh, my tribe is like, kinda moving on up, moving on out of the Easter block.


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[Assistant] Which is, is why it makes sense. Well actually, you know, like in Latin America.


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[Assistant] I hear Thailand is very nice. They're the best in the night. I've never been though. But I hear good things about the Thai, that they're very kind.


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[Assistant] Now, I will tell you who's not the best at service is my tribe. Yeah. Or Ruskies. Cold as ice. Don't even do it. I don't like Russian or Hungarian Eastern Bloc. Nothing. Like salons.


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[Assistant] You know what's funny, your mom said to me, cause Shado and I were, uh, we got, we would do this thing, your mother and I were, we would drink every night at the house. You'd be gone. Two nights in a row we did, I shouldn't say every night. And I would just let her talk, basically, cause no one listens to her anymore. And...


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[Assistant] Uhm, it was so cute cause I'm like, Charles, what kind of music do you like? What do you like?


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[Assistant] And uhm, and I go, this is so lovely. I go, oh, Edith Piaf covers this song. It's a French singer. Same thing. And we listened to Edith Piaf's version. It was much colder and more depressing. And she goes, that is because you white people have no feelings. The gringo has no feeling. And I'm like, that's so true.


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[Assistant] Is we went to a luau, right? It was on New Year's Eve.


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[Assistant] You know what I love about your dad, and I've actually adapted from him, is when he's done, he is done.


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[Assistant] That's what I do and I did it one night at dinners and I loved it because I was over it. It really works.


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[Assistant] And, cause uhm, when we came back from Hawaii, I go, what do you want me to make for dinner? I was cooking Sunday dinner.


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[Assistant] At the house, and he's like, uh, American food, Christina, steak, cream sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't, he only eats American, like he was eating like just turkey and cheese sandwiches on toast the whole time. But what was really interesting was on the plane ride home,


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[Assistant] That the baby was kind of farting a little bit and bored and I smelled the baby's diaper and I was like, oof, this baby took a dump, we gotta change the diaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, no, no, I've been farting a lot too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was the baby's fart, but it was your rotten fart in first class.


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[Assistant] Support for your mom's house comes from Turbo Tax. Everybody has to do taxes, and yet, not everybody feels comfortable doing taxes, which doesn't seem right, especially when you consider all the amazing things


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These same people accomplish every day of their lives. TurboTax believes that with the right tools and encouragement, people can be good at anything. Yes, even taxes and help people feel more comfortable with the tax process. TurboTax live gives you personal access to experienced CPAs and EAs.


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[Assistant] Who are there for you even on nights and weekends and they're happy to go through your return with you line by line to double check that you've done everything right.


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[Assistant] But the, back to the luau, so it was delightful. They had a pig and we told your mother, uh, that we got a VIP ticket to the luau.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I told her around noon she should skedaddle because that's when they feed the elderly to the pigs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's better that they're old because the pig can snap right through their old bones.


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[Assistant] Cause in Hawaii, it is, it is, yes, it's disrespectful if you don't eat all the food on your plate or if you refuse, like you're supposed to do that. So when we got to luau, there was the pig with its head and everything and I made her look at it and she, she create, you know, screamed and cried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I ate the ear. Yeah, and I got to eat the ear, which is the best part. So, okay, but the best part of the luau is they have the dancers. What do they call those guys? The hula dancers? The male?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was ripped. They're all ripped. These boys are skinny. They've got six packs. They look cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, you never let me book us a couples massage. Well, you told me we had a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal man, is that we've been together for so long and I understand your reason, and I'm not like...


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[Assistant] I mean I, I, yes I would like if we could have a romantic couples massage. That would have been nice, but it's always other people's reaction that they assume we're about to divorce or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the, and then the poor person always looks at me like, are you really with this guy still? I'm like, I'm sorry. We have two children. I can't leave him. He hits me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They assume that something really abusive is happening because they're always shocked that you don't want to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, one thing we did see too on our vacay were these two large bears. Yea. Big bears. And the first day was spent debating, like, are they, or are they friends?


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[Assistant] I guess, but they could have just been, they could have been like mid-westerners, you know, they're, they're large.


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[Assistant] It was like, you know when you just, you look at people on vacation and like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, so there was that. That was a good vacation. And then we came back and your parents stayed with us for a couple of days more. And you had bought the head tingler.


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[Assistant] It's so gross, and she does it with food too, which is so disgusting, like just-


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[Assistant] This is nuts, I mean. What do you mean? Okay hold on, okay here we go. Start at the top. Trust no one, got beef, bust your gun, you don't need no one, talk about that you owe him,


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[Assistant] I'm, I'm a go for dolo Scarface with a perono. I don't even know what the fuck that is. Go up. But he says, he goes, that's the whole song?


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[Assistant] The part that always, I'll tell you, I can do it off the top of my head.


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[Assistant] Okay, you can catch me in the cherry red 150, got the, got the glizzy locked in the stizzy.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, what part of this shit is like- Fuck that, it's been the year we lost the hubcap. Yeah, like I get that it sounds good, but I start listening to lyrics and I'm like, wait, hold on, hold on, keep going. And then he goes,


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[Assistant] But it's so hard, which I, I relate to that. Okay, I get that. And then it says big words wanna F my wife, right?


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[Assistant] Go down, where is it? N words!


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[Assistant] Yo, yert, and I'm like, Tom, what are you listening to? Like, you relate to that stuff, like-


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[Assistant] But then I listen to the words and I'm like, N-words wanna take my wife, N-words wanna take my life, but it's so hard. I'm like, what are you listening to? This does, this sounds crazy.


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[Assistant] I like- I can't listen to that stuff, man. It hurts my soul. Really? I don't want to hear this stabbing, shooting, killing, and fighting, you know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] I'm listening to fuckin' high high hopes for a livin'. Oh man, that's a good, that's a good, I like that too. Yeaah, that's, you know, I'm trying to get inspired. Yea, but I like it. I know you do. I know you do.


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[Assistant] Well, I think to her, she should not have left the price tag on.


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[Assistant] He does have a point though, because when you're doing Secret Santa, there's a price cap on the gifts you can buy.


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[Assistant] And like, let's say it's a $30 cap, and you spend $30, and then someone gets you black classic match for $9.98, that's not a fair exchange. That is a total rip, dude. That's not, then why play the game, you know?


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[Assistant] I like the, also the messages of support. You know? People like chime in and give the lols and stuff. Oh, I love them.


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[Assistant] What about, what about, it's a hot, who's the hot girl now? What's her name? Give me a hot chick. Margot Robbie. It's a hot


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[Assistant] Who's more disturbing to you? The girl that wants to be the toddler or the man who wants to be her daddy?


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[Assistant] Too much freedom. Too much liberty in the world. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, when you're just on your top of the top of the heap


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[Assistant] Well, here's my concern. I mean, it is a little pedophilic in nature, is it not? A little? Yeah. Yeah. This is not about adults.


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[Assistant] Which I guess in some ways is a positive if you're gonna have to find a silver lining. I don't know. Of course we're gonna get a million emails explaining.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not into that. Is this for real?


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[Assistant] Yeah, the chart and all that. I mean this is also


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[Assistant] Yeah, but the little girls. Look, the only part that creeps me out is that she's not an adult space or whatever.


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[Assistant] Ahh, it's so nice to be known for stuff. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Big thanks to everybody who came out in Austin at the Cab City Comedy Club. It was a great weekend. Moving along January 30th through February 1st in Pouston, Texas at the Houston Improv.


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[Assistant] February 14th through 15th, Tampa in Florida at the Tampa Improv.


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[Assistant] Manfriendisco. Nice. March 7th, Pasadena at the Ice House. That's the make good from the 25th of October. March 13th through 14th, Doral, Florida at the Miami Improv. Fuckin' retarded. March 26th to 28th, Fallis, Texas at the Addison Improv.


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[Assistant] Ugh, April 3rd and 4th, Jew Dark Titties at Caroline's.


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[Assistant] That's his territory. Yeah. 2395. April 24th and 25th. Des Mois, Iowa at the Funny Bone.


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[Assistant] Fartnicks Arizona at Stand Up Live. Tickets at Christina P online. Also check out where my mom's at.


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[Assistant] If you don't have an instrument, make one.


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[Assistant] Alright, we're back for another episode. I'm at Greenwood Liquors in the back parking lot. I'm gonna do this. Australian for gear. For gear? And then we got, uh, 99 Peach. Let's do this. Schnaps?


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[Assistant] You done pissed me the fuck off and I'm already in a bad goddamn mood today.


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[Assistant] Well, little advice to those that think we're cousins, no the fuck we're not.


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[Assistant] I'm not related to her, I'm no kin to her, and if you keep this shit up, I'm calling the fucking CEO, and every one of y'all's little goddamn accounts are getting shut down. Do I make myself clear?


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[Assistant] Fuck with us, and watch what happens to your accounts. Goodbye.


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[Assistant] You done pissed me the fuck off and I'm already in a bad goddamn mood today.


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[Assistant] Well, little advice to those that think we're cousins, no the fuck we're not.


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[Assistant] Fuck with us, and watch what happens to your accounts.


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[Assistant] It's a really great question and I kinda wanted to talk about it here. Uhm, my friend asked, can you be transgender?


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[Assistant] And I thought that was a really great question for people who may not know


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[Assistant] I myself am transgender and non-binary. For me, that means I transitioned out of...


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[Assistant] What society deemed me at birth? I use hormones and have had top surgery.


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[Assistant] So my identity stems as being both trans and non-binary because I'm not a man, but I'm still transitioning away from being a woman.


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[Assistant] If I were gonna, you know, if somebody wanted to kill you, then they would put like,


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[Assistant] Sardine oil all over you. Something that the cat wants to eat, not something the cat wants to drool on.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] Well, especially if they're like in their thirties, right, and they're getting to the age of like settling down, then it becomes a real fear.


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[Assistant] But that also seems, I mean, it seems legit, it's believable, I can see it being true, but it's also, if you wanna like really analyze, then it's ultimately kind of immature of the guy, right? Because if you're with somebody who you're really gonna connect and be intimate with, you show that vulnerability, and then it like actually brings you closer, and you go further with it, right?


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[Assistant] He emotionally is doing these one night stands with, you know, like very attracted, women he's attracted to, but then he like checks out and then, you know, he's not connecting.


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[Assistant] The guy that didn't want to come, you're saying that maybe biologically he was not doing it in order to prolong the experience with you. Like not just that night, but like in the longer term.


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[Assistant] And in everything else, there's no orgasm from him, right? None.


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[Assistant] Let me ask you, cause I'm just curious about this, like when, when the whole notion of I owe, like what does the person feel like they owe you? Like they owe you something like physical reciprocation or they owe you, you know what I mean? Like what does it mean?


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[Assistant] So what's the advice then? Is it like, let's say you blow someone, and the person doesn't want to be with you, but wants to be polite. Should they just express they want to be with you?


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[Assistant] You feel crazy making the, then you start going, I'm making an assumption, but I don't want to, I don't feel confident enough to voice the assumption. It feels more comfortable to let the assumption sit inside and then slowly.