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[Assistant] No, I don't think so. I mean, I don't think so. I won't be honest. I probably could do a white man first, but I've never seen a Chinese guy that, you know, I thought was attractive. I'm quite sure they don't think I'm attractive either. Yeah, well, that's honest. I mean, think about this. We always in and out there still buying hair and one never hit on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We always in they shit buying black hair products and I've never seen one.


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[Assistant] They don't tell you where they get their fucking hair from. They would not tell you.


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[Assistant] Black women spend a lot of money on their hair. That was crazy. I spent about $500 on this.


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[Assistant] And it keeps the damage off your real hair too. You know, like we can't straighten our hair like that every day. We can't curl our hair like the shit I do to this hair. You can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, have you seen it? Ashley, show them the picture. It's fucking wow. For dudes? White and black men. It is the most craziest shit. You could be having sex and your hair slip off and your man hair slip off too. But it looks so real now. I'm telling you. The barbers are doing it. You got men doing men lace fronts. Alright. You should do it, Tom. At least look in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once they put it on you, they give you a haircut with it. So everybody's fake in Atlanta. Yeah. You can't even fucking tell who got the fake hair, the man or the woman. Wow. Let's talk about, speaking of Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Monique just came out with all that mess talking about he was gay. I don't know. Monique did? You didn't see all that big thing on the internet? No.


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[Assistant] No, I've seen men's witty. Really? It is da bomb. Alright. Oh, there you go. You can get long hair like that guy.


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[Assistant] No, no, it's gonna cut it. They're gonna cut it into a haircut. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other race of people scare you. Right. Then you got that, uh, then you got that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the execs, I said, hey, your seminars are cute, where you get them from? She said, I'll send you a link. So I learned this, don't ask rich people where the fuck they get their shit from. The link came in, $650. That's more than two of my car notes put together. That's a bitch I have to walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they say that in the hood, but they don't want you to go get it. Right, right, right. So, you know, they want to be the shopper mothafucka in the hood. That's right. But if you, you know, you just like, oh, that was about $600, and then you turn me off. Oh, okay, well, they good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sort of, uh, put pilot, well, I was on a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of you guys together. And, uh, a guy from, uh, Imagine Hurt Me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He heard me, uh, off of, well the book came from all of you guys and he heard me on, uh, Mark Maron and some other ones he heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he took me over to, well I hooked up with Lee Daniel because Lee has a deal with Fox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, for Empire, uh, the Butler and Precious. And so we took it, Lee Daniel, imagine, in 20th took it to Fox and they bought a put pilot.


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[Assistant] Saying that they would shoot the pilot and if they like it, they'll pick it up from series. And it is the hardest shit I have ever done in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we, well I had a writer, it didn't work out, so we just got the writer who did Everybody Hate Chris. So we have a meeting tomorrow, hopefully they'll tell us, go write the pilot. That's the stage we've been trying to get back to. So once we do that, hopefully we'll shoot about October. That's exciting, Ms. Pat. Aren't you excited? It's worked to me. You know what, I come from a world where,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how I taught myself. Don't believe. Have the shit you hear.


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[Assistant] Have the shit you see and none of the shit you hear. So it ain't real to me until I put it in my hand. This book ain't real.


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[Assistant] It's real now. But people are like, oh, you got a book, bitch. I don't know. They can tell. The first time we wrote the book, they said put it in the trash can and start it off. That shit blew my mind. I was like, bitch, I need that money. I started a layaway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I can't get the money. So that shocked the hell out of me, you know.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I got so mad, I was like, I wasted a year of my life and you're gonna tell me to start over?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I was ready, I was fired up. They had to calm me down.


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[Assistant] Well she says not working is too dark, we had to take out some things, rearrange some things, but I tell you once I calm down and we finish this book, that was the best fucking idea.


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[Assistant] At the time I couldn't see it, you know, I couldn't see what she was talking about, but now it made the book, her idea really made the book better.


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[Assistant] You know, we didn't want the audience to put the book down and go feeling sorry for this little black girl standing in the ghetto. I want you to take these horrible stories and laugh at them the way we wrote them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to say, okay, alright, alright, Ms. Payne, you fucking up again. I'm cheering for you, and then you're laughing, then you're crying. I want all types of emotions, and that's what this book got now. At first, you probably would've got through the first 30 pages and been crying like I'm up guilt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, I mean, I pretty much raised myself, so I don't take no for an answer.


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[Assistant] Cause I know how to get out there and hustle and do what I need to do. But then you got these other people who's calling shots in your life. That's the, that's the thing for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing I don't like. I don't like you telling me what to do. Sure. And, you know, it's their money. They're gonna tell you what to do. You're gonna stay at the hotel, they say. You're gonna do this, you're gonna do that. They're wonderful to me. They treat me, they treat me really fucking good. I feel guilty because we ain't got a show and I feel like I'm taking their money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, the whole thing is that right now I can't call the shots. You know, they listen to my opinion.


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[Assistant] I gotta tell you this, uh, it was, we had a, my granddaddy had a customer, he was a childhood friend of my momma.


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[Assistant] He grew up, he grew up, his name was Tommy Lee, I'll never forget it. You know, down south we got them thick asses. So he would, he'd be like, back at a big George, that's what they called my grandad, give me a cup of ass. He'd say, you want a cup of ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, he need to go get a couple of them, uh, what's the people name that's wrapped up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Well, you know, Middle Eastern.


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[Assistant] No, it's never okay. Because if she was standing in a group and I don't care how much you my friend, you cannot, you can't say that.


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[Assistant] No, let me tell you something about when the white people say the nigger. Honestly, we feel it. I mean, it's like, no, listen, we feel it, like if you stuck your hand on a hot stove. For some reason, when it comes out of a Caucasian mouth, or anybody other than black, like we do it just a throwaway, but when you say it hurts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was like, it would be, it would feel like racism, yes, we would feel it. Casually, I mean, if you're doing it mean, no matter what, we feel it.


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[Assistant] And it's crazy. It is crazy. And I think it just passed down through our ancestors through slaves. We feel that pain from that word.


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[Assistant] And, you know, we ain't have, I ain't have shit to do with slavery. But it's just, it's automatically hate when it comes out of somebody else's mouth.


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[Assistant] And I think the reason why we say it so much, because it was said to our ancestors so much, and it was said to, you know, in the 60s and stuff to hurt us so much, now we finally got control of the word. Nobody ever told white people they can't say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of it mean, the way we going now with our administration, it's free to do whatever the hell you wanna do. It's not even, oh god.


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[Assistant] No, she can be right there in the West End where I grew up at. I mean, she got the demeanor, the neck rolled. That's how they talk down south. Fast, slick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even really know what gay women did until I got to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had orgies and everything. I was in, I was in, my roommate was a crackhead that I used to, she was in jail. She kept going to jail for prostitutes and drugs. So she could sing her ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When that bitch got clean, she used to say to me to sleep every night. Whitney, Mary J. Blige, that bitch can sing. I gotta tell you this though, it's kind of gross. We love gross. Look, so, I had never used a tampon in my life right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in jail they give you tampons, more tampons than pads. So I was like, I don't know how to use a tampon, so you share your room with your roommate. I done stuck the cord board and everything in me. And I'm walking around saying, oh, I'm hurting so bad that my roommate was like, I was wondering when you gonna take the cord board out your pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, I would go in that bitch with my uniform on, my dirty uniform, and wash up on here, and my vagina, and then go to my room and put on my dry shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they would yell like trucks up.


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[Assistant] I ain't gonna lie, he couldn't read a lick. Y'all would get lost, cause one of those GPS back in them days and he couldn't read the street signs, but he could, he could, he could make love. There you go. Yeah, he sucked his thumb too, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's so gay. He's had pom poms on his roller skates. You know like the pom pom with the little bells. Cause he was a pedophile and I didn't realize he was ringing bells to get more young girls, but he loved his skates, he'd suck his thumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was dumb as a box of rock. I remember when we got locked up one time for shooting craps and I jumped the fence.


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[Assistant] Clean up my life, the case came back up, we had to go to court. So he called me all these fat bitches and shit. So I, you know, I wasn't even a comedian. Aw, you fat bitch. You showing out why the judge ain't there now. So I said, I'ma get this done, motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even tell her, I don't have a relationship with my son. He won't even call me. I said, well, he would call you. I said, but you ride the bus and every time he try to talk to you, your background is too loud. So you should wait till you get a call when your background is, you know, a lot more quieter so you can understand what the fuck you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well my son don't know it, my husband raised it. He said, I tried but I don't have nothing to talk to him about. All my son is remembering is a pair of shoes he never bought. I don't even remember these shoes. He said, dude told me he was going to buy me a pair of cleats for football and he never bought them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but he always saying, I took his kids away, and she live in Atlanta, I'm like, call her. Don't worry about it, he's just guilting it.


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[Assistant] You don't count. We don't even lock they phones in until they make it at 3 Thanksgiving. And I literally have no lesbian's numbers locked in my phone.


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[Assistant] I mean, all this gay shit, all this gay stuff they fight for their rights, she should be getting married. I mean, they fought so she can get married. Fuckin' get married already. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people are crazy. You know the funniest thing, I love telling this story, I don't know if I ever told you, but this lady, it was in Atlanta. So this lady tried to help this black kid, a black lady, get his life back together. So she said, will you clean the kennel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, this is, they should have locked, I hope she's doing time.


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[Assistant] You know, I have, uh, I have four, I have my niece, custody of my niece, four kids. They, from age four to nine now. She's on drugs, she ran off and left them. And when I first got these kids, four years ago, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have been exposed to so much bullshit, y'all. When you come out of the hood in a messed up situation, you have PTSD. For sure. I'm telling you, these kids would tie their shoes real tight.


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[Assistant] August 22nd and I'm doing a big book signing at Morty's in Indianapolis.


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[Assistant] August 25th, August 26th, so please go out and get your tickets. It's gonna be fun. Along with the, uh, four shows.


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[Assistant] So many new Hi Mommy, Thanks Gene submissions coming. Uh, there's just a lot. There's a lot in here. So, uh, would you like to get started? Yeah. All right. Let me, uh, let me do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was realizing, I was, I took the dogs out. I realized, you know, uhm, your mom on the fucking stands that plays.


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[Assistant] I realized that I have that entire speech memorized in my head. Do you know that? Verbatim.


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[Assistant] I just have a lot of personality, but, uh, for a moment I was just thinking about it, because the playoffs are going on right now. I was thinking about football, and I was like, his speech,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to be so obsessed with it, that I haven't memorized.


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[Assistant] Let's hear it. I think this is verbatim. Okay, let's do it. It's personal. It's personal right here, man. You in my house, my face, disrespecting me. I gotta do something about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see how your personality ruins moments of a good time?


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[Assistant] How I was actually like really wanting to do something and then your personality entered.


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[Assistant] I know, I could have memorized that. Yeaah. Or anything.


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[Assistant] He's implying that they put on pads in a uniform like you did.


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[Assistant] These guys put on what you put on. Shoulder pads and jersey. And then they said fuck you. So what are you gonna do about it?


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[Assistant] My coach never said shit like that. One time my coach told us a story about these neighborhood boys that were fucking with his, one of his brothers. And that his dad told my coach at the time who was a young man that they, that him and his brother should go over there and kick the kids ass. That was his pregame speech. He got real emotional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their ass. The other, the other team's ass, yeah. It was uhm, but I'd never seen them get so emotional. It was great. Interesting. I really, I really liked it. But I would have liked this much more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean if I was 15 or 16 and I heard that speech, A. I'm either hysterically laughing and biting my own tongue to not get murdered by him, or I'm so scared shitless of him that, you know, I'm ready to go out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so she did this on Facebook, uhm,


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[Assistant] She calls it a cum run, which is uh, you know, basically running to the bathroom after sex, after a guy jizzes in you.


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[Assistant] Dude, she always has talked like that and has always been so descriptive and it's always upsetting.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's really foul and I wish she didn't talk like that.


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[Assistant] Well let's, why don't we dive a little deeper into this topic that's being ignored by the masses.


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[Assistant] They never, they never did, but she's right, they never explored that. It's like this big elephant in the room that no one's talking about. Right. The cum run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she's saying, how long do you wait for that jizz to fall out?


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[Assistant] Well, but, but no, but think about it. When do you say that's it?


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[Assistant] Cause you could sit there and then maybe a few minutes later a little more falls out. You gotta get that jizz out.


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[Assistant] A lot of family members of hers probably have Facebook too. It's a good thing to have.


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[Assistant] You've soiled yourself up, you scraped what you can out, and now you're standing up, still coming out of you? Sure, sure. That's nice. Maybe, maybe Granny saw this video. That'd be nice for her to see too, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For that, jeez. You gonna let all that cum stay up there though?


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[Assistant] The next thing I'm doing is getting in the shower. Cause I'm not gonna get back in bed with all this cum inside of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting point. So what she's saying is, she gets out of the bathroom, back into bed with some of these dudes, and they're like, let's give it another go, and she's like, you're still, you're still nasty. You haven't cleaned up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've come on you, why don't you clean up? I'm cleaning up, why don't you clean up? Sure. You know? Equal rights. Equal rights!


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[Assistant] I respect the lady for making that very valid point.


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[Assistant] Just, ah, put it in there. Yeah. And then, uh, wouldn't that be a treat for, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big thing for her. What if she's- I mean she doesn't seem like she doesn't do it a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No condoms too, she's in that no condom lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of British slang, there's a guy, a Brit who teaches you how to speak like a roadman. He has a video up, we got it sent. What's a roadman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The knowledge. Knowledge, right. The knowledge. Uh, isn't that, wait, what's the, uh, what's the, the cock, what is it, cockney? What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of that girl who was like, akakakala. Remember that? You don't remember that? Akakakala.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like a, uh, give me, I want a cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the, uhm, we played it long time ago, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, we do have cock. And, but this guy, so mandem, I had never knew this. No, I don't know this shit. I mean, here I am, you know, teaching people how to learn different dialects. Right, you're the coach. They hear that I do that and they reach out and they say teach me. You're like a consultant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I saw your, I saw your bare butt cheeks and I thought you had some chocolate that you smeared on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I sniffed your diaper as a form of affection.


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[Assistant] But also, if it was full, I was gonna help you change your diaper.


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[Assistant] I was laying, I was laying in bed with you.


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[Assistant] I thought, oh, here you are, and then I pretended I was you, and I went, I'm side meet mommy. And I laughed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mushy purples and everything. Yeah. One of my buddies goes, uh, he goes, oh, I was, he was with his girlfriend, his girlfriend for years and he goes, yeah, you know, I like those big slappers. And she goes, what did you just say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except I like those slappers. And she goes, what is that? And he goes, oh, it's just something that, um, that I heard on a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, I don't like that. And I don't want you to say that to me ever again. And he goes, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always, every other week now you go, you realize no other woman could be with you, and I'm like, wait what? And you're like, no woman would tolerate you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the farts and... The farts are, you know, you fart a lot. Yeah, I know. You just farted on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't know that. Bear means very or a lot. Bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have bear mushy saugers. A lot of them. You got ten times the amount of tits most people have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh. I like his uhm, when he changes to a roadman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do. I'll say sneakers sometimes. Sneaks. Yeah, or I'll just say, yeah, I'll say a brand name, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see those Pumas more, a lot of the Latinos wear them. I love Pumas. Like the upscale Latin people, like when you see like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're over here, visiting, but they're of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The latinos will all have on pumas. So true. Like when we used to- Skin tight. Yeah, yeah. So snug. They're not, they're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked my mom, by the way, a few years ago, for uhm, I need some running shoes. Just for working out. And she got me track shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like cleats or whatever. But for actual track and field, I was like, mom, I don't train for the Olympics. These are the tracks. She said, you said running, so I got to do this. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ran it for so long, I said it the other day and this guy goes, did you just fucking say this is rad? And I go, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's really helping his native people though. This guy's real talented. He's like, this is, this is how people talk when they talk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I gotta open this. We should just do it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That always means, as you know, uh, that, that, uh, it's time to go over some live stuff, but this is real important, I don't want to forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you everybody that got tickets. It's real exciting. We decided that it's a month away. We figured that some people, you know, just didn't get to it in time. So we decided to add a second live podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 9pm. We're gonna do an all new, uhm, podcast at 9pm. So now, you have a month. You have a month to get tickets to that one. Uhm, it's gonna be a lot of fun. That's gonna be a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that yesterday I was in Oxnard?


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[Assistant] The guy that oversees all those said we, they're shipping extra, like, uh, an extra truckload of water just because I'm gonna be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, yeaah. We're real excited about that. In addition to that, uhm, I should say thank you to everybody coming to my tour. Uhm, I do know this so far. New Orleans, sold out. Atlanta, sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Clear Farter might have 10 tickets, I don't know. Uh, Tallahassee, few tickets. Uh, Milwaukee's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so thank you for everybody. If you want to see where I'm going to be, I have about 30 plus cities I'm going to. Uhm, a lot of them are on the brink, so check it out if you want to get tickets. TomSigura.com slash tour jeans. I know you have some dates as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, El Chapo. That was El Chapo by Eddie Bojangles for that instrumental. Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can always send your songs or your instrumentals to yourmomspodcastatgmail.com. There's no house in the email address. Yourmomspodcastatgmail.com. Jeans, we put it out there last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, obviously there's a big dispute between the two of us of who's the real personality champion. Oh for fuck's sake, it's so obvious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Well, having been to every live podcast and hanging out before and after the shows with the two, mommy Tina is always excited and truly happy to see my bear and I. She goes out of her way to ask us how we are and gives massive hugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I know she hates, but she does it anyway. I don't hate. That's called a warm personality. Uh, meanwhile Bunz gives a head nod, woohoo, and side hugs with a look that reads he'd rather be anywhere but there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I have more. We have seen the mommies separate stand up so many times I can't count. Mommy Tina without fail acknowledges us.


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[Assistant] And honestly cares how we are. The hugs, oh the hugs. Pure warmth and love. Tommy on the other hand has never once recognized us or put himself-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My hopes are high, but only because I know the true personality champ will delightfully shine like always. Real mommy forever, jeans higher than my eyeballs, Leah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Hitler, let me start by saying I am a Puerto Rican male and yes, her big mushy purples and blonde hair definitely do not make my dick soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a way better personality. You can tell that Tom will be unbearable for long periods of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, uh, hold on. That's, I don't know where that's coming in from. Uhm. Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men want to be him and women want to be with him. Christina is a personality dud. She's a really sweet person but not someone you'd want to start a conversation with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, come on, when you drink so much water, you feel so much better and therefore are a better person to be around. This is one of the many factors as to why you're the undisputed personality champ. It's okay though. Let purple jeans know she's married to a great role model. Half the battle is knowing the path to take after your efforts to lose


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay safe mommy's best, a sincere viewer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when you're faced with the reality of your personality, you get upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Serious debate. It seems like it's settled that I am the winner, but you know, we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Ollie, uh, who used to use his real life, I don't even remember, it starts with an M, then became Ollie Zimzer. Right. And now he's Ollie Zeezer Zimzer. I love it. And, uh, he's produced some really great, great songs for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you're familiar with the show, you go back through the catalog, especially within the last, I would say, 50 episodes, he's really hit some home runs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He created a mix, a song that's a remix where he used King Ass Ripper's farts to make a song. I'm always a big fan of these fart songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, let's hear, I haven't really had a chance to hear it, so let's hear it, let's hear it. It's here. Thank you Olly Zeezer Zimzer for the Fart Master, uhm, let's see how he titled it. Fart Sounds Only. The Mommy Mix is what it's called. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greatest talents. Wow. That come from the show. Thank you. Obviously King Atra were discovering him. But then Ali...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything from the drums to the melody is 100% fart sounds. You're kidding!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you guys will be proud. I've came a long way in the first couple of beats. I think I might have changed the game forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you, mommies. Ali, Zeezer, Zimzer. Yeah, you really did, man. I didn't realize that was all for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, really impressive, man. Really, really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once the dump was done, I would get up, dress and leave, and he would play with the deposit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the girl told me that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy made that request one time, a fan did of her. They do like, they're a married couple but they do like online videos that they sell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one of the fans was like, I want you to mail me like a dump, you know? And she was like, no, she was like, I'm not doing that. And he's like, he offered two or three thousand dollars. Wow. So she said yes, but he was like, but I want you to eat this, this and this specifically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was, she was like, I ate it for like two days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I didn't get into it, but I imagine pretty, pretty well sealed. Couple layers of sealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could just, you put it in several packages. Think about it, you put it in several.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put that into a, maybe you put a wrap around that too, like Saran wrap thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in, in a box, and you, you seal that box up. Right, in a box. And then you put that box in a second box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna smell like someone took a shit. Yeah. It's not gonna be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That box gets to this guy's house. He opens it and right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear mommies, I believe it was in episode 367.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where both pairs of jeans questioned whether people got into pup play to relieve sexual desires or just burn off some steam in a fun, harmless, and non-sexual way. That is something that we highlighted last week. We showed you the TV documentaries like we're just having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he wrote, you both, uh, questioned that, whether it's fun, harmless. It has come to my attention that pop play is almost 100% sexual. I've done some digging and boy, I sure did find a bone on these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, for this dog's examination, there appears to be handcuffs, lube, and a butt plug on the table. And a phone. And the iPhone, right? Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so far it does seem like a very uh, thorough medical examination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, so the vet just opened what appears to be a zipper on the back of this dog's late, the human dog's latex, um, uniform. The poop chute. Yea, and he says he's gonna give that little, little area an exam. As they do to dogs, they do that to dogs, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still just like a gross thing to be doing. It's horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, no, no, no. Not in front of them. Into their mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not watching you take a dump, they're under you receiving your dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only seen too that this one pig just benefits from the whole pup play thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy. One guy. He's like the who's your owner guy. He's the only guy that actually gets off on this thing. Right. And he has all these pups. He's like, I'm training. Smell your nuts, smell your cock and balls. That's, he's just, it's just him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you think you get hard? Of course, that's the whole thing. You gotta mix those two worlds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now the idea is that this human pup doesn't have a tail. Poor guy. And they're gonna give him the tail in the form of a very long butt plug. So that he'll have a tail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, taking a shit. Yeah, of course. Easy, right? Yeah, it's easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Of course. You get ten butt plugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put butt plugs in my mouth, put them everywhere. Shove butt plugs in my ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna think about it, I'm gonna be fucking sick right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I'm such a fucking square, I think. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week we had the dad boner, uh, who saw, I remember the whales, which was actually really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We restocked glassen by the way, a bunch of people hit me up for it, it's fully restocked. Also, I got your emails, if you got that first order of gildens, you got stuff coming to you. We restocked that, we restocked the water champ, we restocked...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, double pipe classics. So thank you for shopping at the store. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Thompson.com. Click on the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thanks a lot. Thanks for your support. Uhm, so here's a new clip, uh, of a dad boner. Uh, I haven't seen it yet, but it's uh, uh, reacting to a solar eclipse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's such a science dad. So many big words. Yea, he's using all the technological words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have him, we have, uh, what is it, it's the, yeah, no, sorry, it's, uh, the whale dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, we get so many fucking- I get tagged in a hundred things a day, like, just glass in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it had Aaron Rodgers, and then it's one of those, uh, you know, it has the caption of the photo, like Aaron Rodgers against the New York Giants, but they also like, will give a little title to the, to the side photo. USA Today. Yeah, and it said, Just Glassin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played that and I saw that caption title, I'd be like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic. Well, we didn't invent it, because the guy said. Wait, it was a term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Found out that that, remember that Rockwell Automation guy, the, the most boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So apparently that is like an aristocrats joke for engineers. What? Remember the aristocrats?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Video with all those terms, that's like an aristocrat's joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a gibberish joke for the engineers. They just laugh at all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it is. Uhm, I don't know if I should keep you waiting any longer. Uhm, there's, uh, more submissions of hi mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys for sending them in. It's been absolutely one of the most fun- I can't tell you how many times by the way, in the last couple weeks when you guys have been sending these in and we've been playing them, that I then get messages that go like, I had to pull over my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because people are laughing at what you're doing with these high marks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was wonderful. You know what? You act like you've been there before. That was Kristin. Thank you, Kristin. Good work. Uh, here we go. Here's Ben. So impressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really impressed. Really good, man. Absolutely. Really good. He's up there. He's chilling. So that's Ben.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people are really, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. It's really funny. I can't believe people are so funny. Remember the one you told me about? I think you told me this off the show. You said, you go, you read an email and somebody goes, I want you to know that Tom said that your fart didn't register on the recording, but I want you to know that we hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did I not have this drops out for earlier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How funny. I love the international ones. International is really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's laying by the door. Hold on. Yeah, she's just a little girl. Go ahead. Oh, so funny. The place here, there's dogs around every wall, like behind every fence or whatever. Yard split. So all the dogs go crazy, especially in the evening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this, uh, I thought this is something you'd like to give a shot to, uhm, a lady, let me get the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She seems like a sweet lady. I can see you being best friends with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It's like you explore and learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. So, there you go. It's just like the gays. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think regularly, I mean she, she, bae, she's hygienic I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't, I mean, I don't think it smells particularly good, but I don't think it's, it's wretched or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything, everything, every time you turn on the sink, she'd be like, all that water going away. You flushed the toilet. Did you brown in there? Uh, no. Why are you flushing? Like, everything you do, she would criticize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. We'll be like, yeah, when it's convenient, when you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I recycle boxes. European shit, come on. Uhm, alright, I gotta get ready to go actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Just Glaston Hot Mix by Mitchell Davis. Cool. Uhm, thank you guys for listening to another episode of Your Mom's House Podcast. I'm the main mom. No. I'm the personality champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are not. Nobody likes you but listen. No. So, uh, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Continue to support the show, and uhm, can't thank you enough. We'll see you next week. Anything else, Jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gonna get a cheeky Nando's beefy mandum. That was a bad joke, split. Eh, your crabs are safe farm. They're still bait farm. You ate my cheeky nuggets, innit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The head, I saw the head and then Ellis came out and then like a bunch of shit came out after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, inside each and every gym bean barrel, the bourbon is aging, building a fuller, smoother flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I am the water god, Tom Segura. Okay. And here is Christina Pajitsky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I will be sharing my thoughts, interesting funny things, and Christina will also talk, when she talks you'll hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, December 13th, I'm at the Ice House. It's, uh, it's almost sold out. So if you're in the area in Pasadena, you can get, get that. I'm doing New Year's Eve. I'm doing a whole bunch of shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in Orlando. Uhm, Orlando. Uh, the New Year's show, I feel like we have to say this every year, is more expensive because it's a special event. But I'm also there, uh, the day before that and the day before that. So, if you just want to come out to a show in Orlando,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come out, otherwise a big fun night we'll have on New Year's Eve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kansas City is on sale, Oxnard, California. I'm doing Liberty Live there, that's in January. And then the big tour starts with, uh, uh, New Orleans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We added shows in Portland, Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now there's a, it's sold out. The first show is sold out. So make sure you get your ticket. That's in March. Uhm, this is a 64 Rider by Eddie Bojangles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no he's not. That's what I'm telling you, it's not that babe. It's not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just, there's new shit every time. So we have a new monitor. Uh, as you can tell, it's much bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were more excited, we were excited that it would, uhm, you know, it could serve us as a great, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Dip that again. Pop back in again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should be fun. It should be a fun thing to do. It's not that, babe. It's not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here it is, uhm, now we feed our video and audio via HDMI into this television and then the television


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shoots back the audio into this board. That's how it's working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm already preparing for it not to work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should be fun. So, I feel like just setting this room on fire right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm probably gonna have to get an entirely new monitor. And I'm gonna have to use that for something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know? But you've never had him do it. That guy could be good at it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might be a dad. He might have multiple children, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it mailed, get it wrapped, you can even add a note.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vegan vagina, dude, is, is gnarly. He's a gnarly, gross fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, like, aesthetically he's much grosser. You know, facially, you know, like this guy is just more visually appealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He said, was it weird though? He said like diamonds in the crevice. Did he say D? That's what I keep hearing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] West Harry Bomb, four shows, electric. So fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of mommies. Big crowds, fun crowds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard on the road, but I was, I stuck to it. Uhm, I did have two vodka sodas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, it's not good if you're trying to stay in ketosis, but you know, whatever, it happened. I'm sure it's many less than Bertrand had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Two vodka soda. I don't wanna give away any, I don't wanna get, but I lost a couple more pounds. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying from last week, I'm down a couple more. I don't know, I love these Team Burt losers that like, they believe in that bloated carcass and they're like, Burt's gonna do it. And it's just, I use it as motivation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. And they're all, like, all his fans, like, the guys that are like hardcore Team Burt are such fucking zeroes. You know? Like, you look at their profiles, you're like, oh, I guess they're just kinda drawn to their own type, you know? Cause they're such fucking zilches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, uh, I got promoted, I'm the CEO today. Winners. Oh, cool man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, replace the other one is what's changing everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it is. That's a problem. That's why we're gonna have to change this eventually. Just glassin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how flat mine is. How many years ago is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not getting into it. So you go, oh, you gotta try this chocolate. And I go, I can't, I can't have it. And you go, no, no, no, I, I, um, it's, it's paleo and it's keto friendly. I checked and I go, are you sure? So I was like really trying to be good. And you go, yeah, yeah. You go, look, just, just try a little bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put it in my mouth, and I actually thought you put a piece of dog shit in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the most fucking disgusting thing I've ever had. And you were thrilled by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, I chewed it and then I, not only did I spit it out, I spent time just spitting and washing out my mouth for a couple minutes because it was so disgusting. It tasted like something you would bake with. It's like baking chocolate or something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you get really in on it, like really into your diet, then what happens is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, you almost don't, you look forward to saying no to the thing, you know what I mean? You look forward to not indulging in things. You're like, it'll be exciting to not enjoy things today. That's how it feels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So obviously you remember the biggest nerd ever. I gotta show you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her name is Elizabeth May, and I guess in, uh, some of the Canadian circles in, you know, politics, she's known up there. Apparently she did this, uhm, speech, uhm, at some event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a year or two ago, and she got drunk. So the lady who's against saying F-A-R-T is now, god damn it, I'm really going to lose my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had a couple in her. That's the problem. She needs to get drunk before she goes to parliament. So she could be like, F-A-R-T, why don't you suck on these T-I-T-S's, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's ripped. What would you describe her eyes as? Her eyes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda blast over, right? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're trying to walk her off. Dude, this is embarrassing. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're dra- She's being- Okay, if you're not watching this, the lady is forcibly removing her from the stage. Like, it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To this, you know when like someone's done something, it cringe-worthy. That's the way it's being perceived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I knew more about her if I was more into Canadian politics I would know exactly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting is a spin on maybe Rob Ford, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh-huh. It's complicated. How about uh, Prime Minister Choo Do? Choo Do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he looks like you might want to start training with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing yeaah. Look at this yoga pose here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you call it? Like he's suspending himself in the air with like an underneath, it's a yoga pose, I guess they're calling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Let's see, I typed in, let's see if you can see. Wanna see this bod? Look at this bod.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to see him make another baby with her, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lady that escorted Elizabeth Mayoff said, did it the way, did it like if you were at a wedding?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody gave a, an insulting drunk toast and you were just like, I'm so sorry. Right. So that's my aunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did change- I'm changing the lift on mine. You can change yours if you want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's all kinds of good stuff to show you. Uh, you liked the Pussy Tech link.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I should tell you this first. This was great about, uhm, about breast ball and beach this week. So one of my good friends, Steve, came. He's one of my best friends. We were best friends in high school and, you know, we've remained friends all these years. It's crazy to think about, right? I've been friends with this guy since I was 14 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So whenever I'm close, he tries to come to a show. So he comes to this show, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he, your old friends will really give it to you real. So like, you know, I remember like a few years ago, he would come to his show and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, you know, it was pretty funny. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna do a sitcom or what? I don't know man, he's like, meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, I'm still a fan I guess, but you know. Not impressed by you. Yeah, yeah. And then you know, every little achievement you have, he's like, will like kinda check off a box for himself to you. Yeah. So this time he's like, wow man, there's a lot of people here to see you. And I go, yeah, he goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is different, right? And I go, well, it's good, you know, there's a couple things going, it's good. People are at the show and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. And then he loves the VIP treatment, so he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it's his favorite thing. It's so funny, like he's just like, hey man, tell him I'm here and uh, tell him to keep the drinks coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, okay. So I tell like the staff, hey, take care of them and I'll take care of you and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, he just kind of like indulges, and he's like, let me get two steaks, and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my parents entered with me and I think their most, like the part they were impressed with the most when they came to a show was they were like, we got escorted in. They were like, that was cooler than the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free booze. Free booze. If you're a Burt that's like a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, oh, this is actually where we just, we collect garbage here. This isn't even actually to throw away. We just keep it here. It smells so bad. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then it's time, it's like, what do you want to do? And you know, he came down to see me and I go, well, next door is a bar that the club owns. So they have more pool there because they own it, right? It's called Copper Blues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, we have a table for you next door, if you, if you want to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same place, essentially. Yeah, it's like a security guard at the club, which is what they do when you have meet and greets or something. Right, right, right. So, anyways, we go next door, and he's like, he's like, this is fucking cool. Like, this is fucking cool, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Security, you know, people are at your show, like, this is cool, man. You're doing it. You're doing it. Okay. Thanks, man. And then I pull up my phone and he's like, how many people are following you on social media? And I go, well, you know, there's different ones on different platforms. Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you don't like Facebook? I go, I'm not really into Facebook. I prefer Instagram and Twitter. And he's like, I like Facebook. And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, yo, and I tagged him because he asked me to tag him. If you want to feel, I just wrote, if you want to feel good about yourself, check out the comments in this picture of us. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this one of those horns where you fuck your ugly real estate agent cause you have shitty credit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you're better at selling houses than you are at choosing barber. Barbers, you fucking slobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Steve looks like a mediocre real estate agent with a crack addiction. One eye slightly art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going on here, but it looks like some guy went to Tom's show, they took a selfie, and Tom posted the photo, he remembered the dude's name. What is going on? Uhm, Tom, you're not that fat, I hope that guy dies in front of his family. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, the two of you together probably weigh less than one fart Chrysler does. Truth. That's true. Uh, I just had a bunch of gay guys react to this picture. We ran out of lube. Uhm, god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody said, I just saw you at the improv. Apparently the camera doesn't add 10 pounds. Jesus, you're fat. Oh, that's neat too. Thank you.


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[Assistant] Anyways, it is uhm, it's a lot of that, you know? Yeah. So, and it's, it's, it's, they're all, there's not a nice one in here. No. They're all, you know. No.


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[Assistant] Look, you look, Tom, did this guy screw you over? Uh, in some real estate? Amazing, whatever. So, he texts me, please take that photo down. I cannot handle the comments. And I was like, nope. That's exactly what you asked for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, pretty cool. Just wanted to, uh, tell you about that. And another cool thing that happened, Jeans, you know how I meet black celebrities a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Uhm, my mom's a big fan. So, I'm in Fartlouderdale Airport, cause that's where I flew cause it's direct, on the sixth-something flight. I mean, it's fucking early, right? And I had two late shows Saturday.


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[Assistant] I'm walking through security and who do I see? It's a cow. Johnny blaze, you know, the iron one. So I look and I just, I try to figure out what am I going to do? What am I going to do? We're in security. I just kind of lean forward. I see him and I stick out my hand, my fist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. And he just gives me, he's like, oh yeaah yeaah. And he leans forward and nods. And I was like, that's perfect.


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[Assistant] It was like, it was like, I'm a big fan, I respect you, but I didn't even say anything. Just a little fist bump, and it's like, feels good.


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[Assistant] We get on, I get on my flight, and uh, he's in my row, but across the aisle. So I'm aisle, he's across the aisle, but window, right? But same row.


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[Assistant] So I'm like, shit man, this fuckin' method man. Dude, some girl boarded the flight and asked them for a photograph. Oh no. As they're boarding?


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[Assistant] Bigfopa, the, uh, the fuckin' lady.


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[Assistant] Sitting next to him has to get up so this girl can go sit down.


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[Assistant] Anyways, the flight's a long ass shitty flight, right? It's Lauderdale LA. When we land.


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[Assistant] I get out of my seat, he leans in and whispers something to me and I'm like, I'm like,


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[Assistant] And I, and I really want to know what the fuck he just whispered to me. So he gets off and on the jet bridge, he waits a second so that I can walk off. And I'm like, wait, what'd you say, man? And he goes, that motherfucker never shut up. And I go, what? And he goes, dude in front of you, man. I felt bad for you guys. That dude never shut the fuck up. It was the whole flight. He talked the whole flight.


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[Assistant] He goes, you know what I mean? He's like, he's talking. I go, dude, some people never shut the fuck up. Like, I made it my problem, even though I had zero problem with it because I never heard the guy. And then when I said that, he was like, word. And I was like, yeah, man, the guy would have shut the fuck up. Like, I totally exaggerated that it bothered me. And I felt like such, you know, like disingenuousness.


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[Assistant] To bond, to bond more with him. Anyways, then we walked to the luggage together. I'm fucking friends with Method Man.


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[Assistant] He said he's shooting some show, TV show with John Singleton.


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[Assistant] But, yea man, it's nuts. I have been a fan of his legitimately since 1993.


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[Assistant] I've known him as long as I've been, I've been a fan of his as long as I've been friends with Steve. So anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I was texting friends, obviously. I was touching, you know, my good buddies from college. And they were like, you're getting a picture, right? And I was like, no, dude, I can't ask this guy for like, can I take a picture with you? I mean, I could have, but just his vibe was like.


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[Assistant] Not like, listen, you know, like, hey man, put it on selfie mode. It wasn't like that. Yea, it's super lame.


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[Assistant] By the way, he looks like exactly the way he looked 20 years ago.


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[Assistant] Like, Method Man hasn't changed his physique, his face.


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[Assistant] I mean, I wonder if we, like, let's just see, uhm, a comparison. Method Man.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I think so. I think, actually he takes care of himself. That dude's like...


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, I'm trying to think if he, uh,


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[Assistant] This looks like, this looks like probably what I saw him as right here, you know?


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[Assistant] I wish I had an edible on me. That would have been the move. Like, Oh yeah, man. You want like, it's like you and me.


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[Assistant] That I managed in college. So that was like.


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[Assistant] Heyday, especially breakout years of Wu-Tang stuff, you know, late nineties.


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[Assistant] So he has so many AKAs that we wrote in permanent marker on the wall every time an AKA of his came up. So it said Method Man and there was like a poster and then in permanent marker on the wall it would say, you know, Takao, Johnny Blaze.


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[Assistant] Hot nickel, whatever, iron lung. And it was like, it ended up being like fucking 20 long.


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[Assistant] And also, you've had them now for a few weeks, and you talk about them constantly.


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[Assistant] I like slipping out. I like that. I like being able to just walk in.


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[Assistant] Oh, those are just worn. Those are just worn. They're good.


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[Assistant] I like a little warmth, and I like, um, ease and comfort of getting in and out of.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I just found some aliases, I wanna- Okay, okay, we're going back to Method Man. Yeah, we're just for a moment. Okay. The Ghost Rider, Johnny Blaze,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meth, Mr. Meth, Meth, Mr. Meth, Hot Nichols, Hot Nixon, Hot Nicks, Big John Stud, Shaquan Gadala, T'Kal the Iron Lung, Metaphysical Man, T'Kalian Stallion, John John McClane, John John Blazini, Johnny Dangerous, uh,


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[Assistant] The Shaolin Assassin, The Blundered One, John Blazini, The M.E.T.H.O.D. Man, The Heatmeister. Okay, I just wanted to remind myself of those. Those are college memories. Alright?


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[Assistant] So you guys make your own fucking aka list. And uhm, will you get me some slippers then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. That's what I need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, if anybody knows that's listening, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this HDMI cable makes the uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like why the screen goes blank and then it pops back up even though nothing's being done. Will you please message me and let me know why that's why it's causing that and if there's a way to remedy that so I don't fucking, you know, shoot someone. Thanks. Um, how about this jeans? What do you think of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a second I was like, is she blood in it? Like that arsenal guy?


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[Assistant] She's a little classy this one. Her Gucci belt's her favorite thing.


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[Assistant] And they also stole other shit. This happens to her. Did you hear how it started? No. They stole this, and then my debit card, so people know to steal from her.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think you have a bad, bad group of friends.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and by the way, I knew, it's funny you brought that up, uh,


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[Assistant] Can I tell you the reality of it? If I would have brought up that to him, he would have been like, wait, which city?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know how long I've been famous for? Right, right, right. Like world fam- like internationally famous?


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[Assistant] Or him in particular, cause he's also considered like, the good looking one of that crew.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So like, can you imagine, like, if I was like, hey, do you remember when you got a blowjob once on a tour bus? He'd be like, oh, that one time? Yeah, yeah, I remember that. No, he'd be like, uh, that's like saying like, hey, do you remember that time you had tacos for lunch? And he's like, yeah, no, I remember.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you could, you know, you can make, obviously it's, it's subjective, but I think, you know, uh,


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[Assistant] But if like one of them is like, I wanna blow method man, they're like, he's busy right now, he's getting his dicks up by other people.


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[Assistant] Well, you know, you're, you have like the, uhm, the CEO of it all, also, that carries a lot of weight, a lot of power, cause he's the architect of everything. Method. No, RZA. So like, if you were like Woo obsessed, he would actually be the, the real achievement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no. And that's not necessarily true. I mean, some people like-


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[Assistant] That makes sense, that makes sense. And then a lot of people, you know, a lot of people, hardcore Wu-Tang fans are, feel like there's just a supremacy dedication and, and just, you know, something about Ghostface. Ah, I forgot about him. So he would definitely be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aesthetically, I mean, you know, I would say you would probably have Jizza and Method as the top two. Probably. More traditionally handsome guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, still got a lot of dicks hanging around, kinda waiting to get sucked though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you got Inspector Dex just hanging out there, you know. Raekwon's just like, what about me, man? I'm having some ice cream. I can't get my dick sucked. Right. Uhm, you know.


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[Assistant] You god, uh, he's suing them right now.


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[Assistant] Well, he's in the Wu-Tang Clan and he's suing the Wu-Tang Clan. Okay. For uh, royalties. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I don't know, there's twenty, yeaah, there's, there's nine guys, but then there's all these side guys.


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[Assistant] It's paid to play. He gets paid per gig, I mean paid handsomely, you know? Sure, sure. But like Rolling Stones is only Keith and uhm, Mick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like they get the writing credits, that's them.


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[Assistant] We'll see that that structure would be all, all in Riz's hands. So he's the owner.


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[Assistant] Well, thankfully only hundreds of thousands of people hear this, so maybe your dream will come true.


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[Assistant] I wanna see if this lady can get her belt back or not.


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[Assistant] Yeah. She has like gypsy blood you think or what?


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[Assistant] Brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav, brav.


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[Assistant] It's so funny, you know what happens? You get conditioned to these things. So for me, it's just background noise. I don't hear it. But then when you point it out, like when an outsider points it out, then you're like, this is so fucking dumb. Because it is. Every, it's like...


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[Assistant] And they have like this, it's all like a pop video.


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[Assistant] Sunday on the Monday night. Gosh. I used to love, there's a couple of theme songs that I liked. Uhm, I like the old school college football theme song, let's see if this is it or not, from, it was years ago.


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[Assistant] There you go. That opens the sh- That's it, man. They should just bring that shit back.


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[Assistant] Middle America's like, fuck yeah, I wanna catch that football too, Carrie.


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[Assistant] Somebody has to help me with this HDMI question.


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[Assistant] It's definitely, there's definitely a score, uh, score.


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[Assistant] Wow, they fucking dropped a hammer on him last night. Jesus. 40 to 7, I didn't even realize that.


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[Assistant] I have it muted, good. Let's see where they play. I don't even know the name of it. It's like a famously, uhm, oh, Century Link Field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. We did this once and I forgot. Okay, here it is. Okay, Kansas City is still awesome. That's Arrowhead Stadium. Oh, thank God. Yeah. The Cowboys play at AT&T. The Panthers play at Bank of America Stadium.


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[Assistant] Seattle is CenturyLink. Jacksonville plays at Everbank. Washington Reddickins play at FedEx Field.


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[Assistant] Detroit plays at Ford Field, which makes sense.


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[Assistant] Uh, Green Bay Lambo, which is one of the only traditional ones. San Francisco?


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[Assistant] Now the Rams are playing at LA Memorial Coliseum, but that'll change when their thing is done. Right.


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[Assistant] Well, no, I don't remember, but they're, that's, they're, you know, they're building a stadium for them. So that's definitely.


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[Assistant] There's Mercedes Benz, there's MetLife, New Era Field, Nissan Stadium. God.


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[Assistant] Here's the only other cool ones are, Oakland Alameda State Coliseum, Paul Brown is where the Bengals play, uh, Raymond James, where Tampa plays, and Soldier Field, Chicago still plays at Soldier Field. Uhm, god, yea, they're terrible names. Absolutely terrible. It's, it's just shameless. Yea, I know.


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[Assistant] Yeah. They pay so much for naming rights. I mean, it's unbelievable. We're talking nine figures.


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[Assistant] No, I know what we need to do. What's that? We need to sell naming rights to this place.


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[Assistant] From Arm and Hammer Studios, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Colgate Studios, or uhm, what is that toilet paper we get? We could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Live from Charmin Studios. There's so much toilet paper here. And we say it at the very top. And then we go, yea, of course we'll say it. You guys give us a hundred million dollars and we'll say it every week.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, twins would have just put us, one of us in the hospital. And they were just like, well these five we feed and eat and they were like fine, she's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really makes you feel lazy, right? Like, I do. I'm like, wow, how the fuck? I guess when you're in that position though, you're like, this is my reality. You surrender. Because you can't be like, this sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so we put out the uhm, what is it called? The challenge. The called act. The mommy challenge. The jeans coffee challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what we did is we told everybody, when we get drive throughs, especially when we go to Starbucks a lot, we order our coffee, we always call the person Jeans and Mommy. We say both, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Tom, sorry. Tom is the one who sent that. Thank you, Tom. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but there's also this thing about they know that people order drinks at bar stocks, but now they're encouraging food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, and they're so aggressive. So aggressive. It's recent. It's the last few weeks where they've been like, when you pull up and they know you're gonna get a coffee. So they just start, they go, can I get you some food today? And you're like, no. And they're like, you sure you don't want anything to eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, by the way, I just saw on our cheat sheet here, the Tickle Pussy guy is Orlando Brown. He's the former star of That's So Raven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we have, uh, another, a couple other emails. Can we get into a couple other ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't even know the con- it could be you, I don't know what it says. Hi mommies, I was masturbating to fart porn this evening. Jesus. And began to wonder, where's the cum? Which naturally led me to wonder about the evening, the never ending debate of who the true water champion is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In head to head sports that are combat oriented, traditionally, gender, weight, stuff like that are considered. Christina P is clearly the female water champion, while Tommy is undisputed male water champion, right? So the female asterisk is unfortunate for Mommy T, or is it? There is a loophole. Tommy, an alias


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's uhm, yeaah. Very interesting.


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[Assistant] Well, we know where we're gonna retire, that's for sure. Speaking of bee holes, dear mommies, in my 34 years of life I've been doing something we all do every day wrong, apparently. It wasn't until I saw numerous times on the television, actors wiping their bee hole in the sitting position,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I realized this was a situation, I asked my wife, she was astonished and bewildered to the fact that I not only wiped while standing up, but I also thought that everybody in the civilized world also wipes standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tried to do it the normal way and found it incredibly uncomfortable. Stand up, grab a cheek and spread with one hand and wipe with the other. That's how it's been and that's how it will be. My ass is clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't judge me, your thoughts, Rob Kuniuk.


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[Assistant] Well I would also ask him, are you seven? Cause I think that's how they do it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'm a mostly sitter. Here's the times I've stood to wipe. If I'm having a real itchy asshole day, and uhm, let's say I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm, I don't know, I'm in a department store. And I'm like, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I go to check, I won't sit down to check. I'll check standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'll be like, I'll be like, my ass is itchy. So what I'll do is I'll go in the bathroom, I'll wet some paper, but I'll do a standing wipe check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but if I'm, I won't stand to wipe, and this guy's obviously, he's mentally ill, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody wrote, uhm, you know, we had the NFL butthole debate. I talked about Josh Potter. He also did, uhm, Wet Balls Beach with me this weekend. Had great shows. We were talking about what position has the cleanest a-hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this guy writes, the cleanest A-holes has to be the center. If they stink, the quarterback will let you and the whole team know. Cause your hands are on that guy's taint. Makes you self-conscious. Can't wait to see you in Atlanta. Thanks Mitch. Uhm, interesting thought, I mean, I myself played center for uhm, you know, many years, middle school, high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. And he's right, you are more, your butthole is in your head. Sure. Because you lean forward, your butt spreads a little bit, and the quarterback puts his hands under your asshole and on your taint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy writes, long listener with a short response, be whole debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Chairs. Old school, elementary school ones. You know, I did it again. I sat on that step stool and I spread down and I sat and I farted again and it was crazy sounding. Those are great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, you gotta prepare me for this more. I told you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you encourage me tonight to do my whitening trays?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. I know, right? There's probably, but he's the kind of guy, I'm sure, like on a, they're just like, ah, they're like, people get their teeth knocked out here. This is what we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we have a closing song. It was submitted by DJ Boy Butter. And it's called Mommy Fartin' in Your Face. Okay? Thank you. Sounds like it could be pretty good. Let's see, I have not heard it yet, but here it is. Here it is. Goodbye, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans. Are you ready to, uh, do some dates?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is good. I've been crawling me North Carolina this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carl Enmi, also known as Raleigh, uhm, following weekend, loose in Hurville, uh, Kentucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's only one show that has tickets left. So if you want it, don't wait. They will not be there by the time that rolls around the third week in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't make sense. You got big ol', big ol' cans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then New Year's Eve in Orlando, I'll tell you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I inspired him in so many ways to be a great DJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I just want to say thanks to the people that have come out. Charlotte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Charlotte, Manfriend Disco and Jude Orkitties have been just killer fun for me man. It's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time, but even these last three weeks where the shows have been like packed and that the staff and management goes, you bring out the best people. They say that to me too, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just can't believe it. So I just want to say thanks because uhm, it is really fun to be able to go out, do your shows that you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you, that you do, but have just great crowds supporting you. So thanks everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what we could do is, get the clone, and then just send him, like give him to a real bad family for a few years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Past weekend, judo or titties, I was with full charge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so Thursday we do our Thursday show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As far, well you know, it's funny you ask because he is on the road right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, doing a bunch of road gigs. So you should check him out online, follow him on Twitter or whatever if you haven't. I know he's got a bunch of gigs coming up. Like we're doing Raleigh together this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Raleigh? Crawlin' Me? Yeah. So, but, we did our Thursday show, and afterwards, we had dinner with Ari Shaffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a, almost like half and half, like he has like 40 minutes on one subject and then he drops a sheet or something, changes shirts and has 40 minutes on another subject.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think it's going to Comedy Central. Uhm, I mean, he's part of that network, you know, cause he has this and that happening there. Oh, right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's going to be there, I think. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, I'm really happy for him. He's going to be in Austin. I don't know if there's still tickets available, but if you, if you can get them, he'll be at cap city doing the special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I did a podcast with him too, but on Thursday, we just, we did, Matt and I did the show. We go meet Ari Schaefer for dinner. We have dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he's got, uh, a spot at the cellar. So Matt and I were like, we'll go ahead, you know, we're, we're, we're just, we were having whatever post-dinner drink or something, you know? So, and he texts me, he goes, come over. He goes, you're not far from us. So just walk over. It's a nice walk. So we're like, all right, we'll walk over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're walking down Bleecker Street heading towards, uh, the cellar and the most amazing, wonderful thing happens. The door to a bar opens and a fight, two guys spill out on the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, I don't like, I don't wanna see brutal violence, like I don't wanna see someone's head kicked open and see them have a seizure, but just a fight, a battle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're like, you know, a good shot, a good punch, you know, I guess I don't want to see devastation, but a fight is exciting because it's something primal about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then remember as we crossed the light, uh, lights behind us, we're like, they don't do that in most neighborhoods. There was a fight for 30 seconds and then police were there in Beverly Hills. It's kind of like that, you know, whole thing that people talk about. Well, you know, how about, why don't you respond like this in bad neighborhoods? And it's like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they, okay, they've shown their helicopter lights in our room, but not, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, these two guys are fighting and you know, it's sloppy fighting. It's sloppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I think, uh, I would say one guy was like 25 thin, um, you know, clean cut real, real slender build. The other guy was huskier, bigger, stronger build. And it seemed like the huskier guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was really actually composed and clearly the other guy was drunk and it seemed to be the type of thing of you gotta get out of here for whatever you just did in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we put together that the skinny guy's name is Ivan. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In social settings, yes, in social settings women, uh, figure out where they are on the beauty scale. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just gauge it, yeaah. So, it seemed like Ivan was being...


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[Assistant] Like dude, and he was being really hard restrained, and he was fighting back really hard.


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[Assistant] Not like really throwing punches, but it was a lot of shoving. He tore part of the other guy's shirt and it was, it was very aggressive. So as that happened.


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[Assistant] Three or four other guys come out. One's an old guy who's probably, I would say, when I say old, I mean well over 60. Okay, white hair and you know, he's formally dressed.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and then two other guys, including one black guy, and as we're walking, I think I'm on the phone with you. Right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, so, or, or, or you called as it was, I forget. So, yeah, you called it a moment after it happened. I think I was coming back from the comic store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you hadn't talked, you hadn't called just yet. So as we're walking though, uhm,


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[Assistant] Matt goes, hey, do you know who that black guy is? And I go, who? Keep in mind, we're 20 to 35 feet away. I go, he goes, uh, hey, that's, that's Cuba Gooden Jr. And I go, yeah, like I, I giggle.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, well you, but I'm saying you heard it after, because it's not at the time. So at the time...


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[Assistant] Yep, I'm not talking to you yet, so I go, yeah. And I thought he was just making like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if there's an Asian guy and you go, Hey, that's Mr. Miyagi. Okay. Like I thought you were just making like a bad racial joke, like just a throwaway. And then he turns around and it's Cuba Gooding Jr. And I was like, holy shit. And he is really in the mix of this thing, splitting this up. Dude, Ivan.


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[Assistant] Went in and out multiple times. They finally dragged them halfway down the street.


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[Assistant] I see the old guy, as he's trying to restrain him, hit the pavement, which was terrible. Nothing like seeing an old person fall. It's just terrible. And then I see Cuba. Cubas, isn't it?


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[Assistant] He goes, can't keep that chin down, man. And then he goes back inside.


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[Assistant] Keeley Goody Jr. is breaking up fights on the streets of, uh, the Lower East Village here.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's really, really weird. That's so crazy. It's so New York, you know what I mean? That you're like, walking down the street.


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[Assistant] No, the video guys, like the TMZ video guys. Oh, those douchebags? Yea, but it happened in the best possible way. It happened without a doubt.


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[Assistant] With them not wanting to get me, what happened was this, I get out of a car, like a car service car, and as the driver gives me my bags, I'm walking to my hotel, a guy in a car opens the door, like a parked car, and he goes, Tom Segura. And I go, what's up, man? He goes, dude, I love your stuff.


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[Assistant] I mean, I just walked in the hotel. I wasn't going to stay there and talk to guys that I knew are not there to video. But they were waiting. There was some musician or something at the hotel.


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[Assistant] I think it was like a pop star, so they, they were all camped out.


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[Assistant] Late forties, early fifties, nothing usually. He's old, what?


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[Assistant] I know. You know the only bummer is, I tell you this now, they cut out so much stuff.


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[Assistant] Because, uh, he told me, he's like, oh, there's no rules. Do whatever. They, in the cuts that I've seen, I got bleeped. And they cut out like half, I know bad words more than anything, like most people who learn a second language.


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[Assistant] And so I was cursing a lot in Spanish. So they just straight up cut out some of it.


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[Assistant] Like they go, how were you at sports? And he goes, oh, I had like two left feet, you know, and they laughed. And then I was like, I said in Spanish, I said, fuck, I was the fucking best. And then they just cut out the whole answer. They go beep and then they cut the rest of it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do English and Spanish, by the way, on the show. What happens is, normally, if you're like me, they want you to speak English the whole time. Sure. Because the game kind of for them is that there's an English speaker on.


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[Assistant] Well, they, they, people wear earpieces and they translate and it makes it like a clash of cultures. Right.


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[Assistant] So, I do speak English and Spanish, but you'll see.


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[Assistant] I said no mami's way, which is like, you gotta be, like, like, don't fuck with me, like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so they bleak mamis and then they bleak puta.


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[Assistant] I've never heard that together. Yeah, it's whore, but in, in Peru, it's said as a word of like emphasis, like a kind of vulgar word, but it's like, it's like you said, how good were you at sports in high school? And I went, fuck, awesome.


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[Assistant] There's a picture on my Instagram of when I'm on this and they're, they're, I'll show you what they're doing. We put him in the background. It's, it's somebody really, I've never been that happy as that guy is this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was, when I was a kid, I'll tell you this part in English. When I was a kid, I would go spend my summers in Lima, right? So I would go to class and the teacher would see me without papers, without books, without pen because I was just visiting. So one day in class, he goes, uh, like really mad, right? Why don't you have your books? He brings me to the front of the class. He makes me face the class and he tells them, ask this kid,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So basically the kid, this is a true story, they put me in front of the class, it was like really shocking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so it was like the, one of the, my first summer going to class, and I would, basically I was in an all boys catholic school, you wore, I wore the uniform and everything, but I didn't, I was a visitor, and they just stuck me in classes. And they were just like, just sit in the back. Right. So I didn't have papers and stuff on my desk.


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[Assistant] And most of the time nobody noticed, but one time a teacher looked at my desk and was like, what are you doing? Like you don't have, like who are you?


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[Assistant] You know, they dress you like that. It's more old school, you know.


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[Assistant] Microaggressions. They go for extra aggressions. Overaggressions, yeaah. So, he pulled me in front of the class. Imagine that and being a foreigner. Oh, it's terrifying. And I was like, like heart racing. And then I started to tell him and someone jumped in and they're like, he's, he's an American student. He's not even enrolled here. And then he was like, oh, and he's like, whoa.


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[Assistant] Ask away, kids. Ask, ask them whatever you want. And the first kid goes, how many times a day do you masturbate? And the teacher didn't correct that, he's like, and how many times? I think he was, he wanted to see like, what you're made of.


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[Assistant] And then I said, uh, mi me dice mano muerto, which means, uh, they, they call me, uh, dead hand.


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[Assistant] Anyways, it killed in the class and then there was a little bit of fucking around and I went back to my seat.


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[Assistant] So in this tight gold zip up suit, like just things like a coffee mug, a phone, and the whole idea is you're supposed to touch her. Right.


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[Assistant] With your, a blindfold, and also uhm, they have headphones with music playing on you.


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[Assistant] Secret touching games and you touch her and then you go, but it's supposed to be enticing because you're touching a beautiful girl.


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[Assistant] The best part too is that for the setup, which you don't see here, they bring us out and they're like, they're like, Hey, like when you see her, go ahead and react. So I see.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Wow. No, but like, I did it super Latin where I walked over and I went like, ooooh. Okay, good. Like a big gesture and I was like, hola, mucho gusto.


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[Assistant] I was like, guys, I'm not gay. I did that, you know.


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[Assistant] Okay, can you tell something about my board that looks different?


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[Assistant] They blurred out a word, one of them they blurred out completely my answer.


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[Assistant] No, I said, okay, so the first one was, um, cause I knew it was a dude, okay. So I go, I was touching and I go, ah, un culazo excelente, which is like a great ass. And he said like in the room, like, cause you don't, you wear headphones. He was like, dude, that killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they just tell you to keep guessing. So they, before you go. So you're just talking? Always talking? Yea, so I was like, un culazo excelente. And then I wait, you could hear, laugh, like kind of through, over the music even. Oh, okay, yeaah. Then you move on. So they bleep that at, or they, they didn't even put it on the board. Your answers.


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[Assistant] I guess so, I guess I was way too vulgar. Why vulgar? And then they, they blurted out that that's too.


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[Assistant] I should have grabbed that coffee mug and been like a huge cock, you know, like in his pants. But see, look.


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[Assistant] So what they do is, we're sitting at a table, three of us. Lalo, the actor, the host, Plantanito and me. And there's, uh, dominoes on the table, huge ones.


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[Assistant] And then me, I have the lowest. That means I lose.


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[Assistant] It's just a silly game. And the loser, they pour a mug of beer down your pants.


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[Assistant] Cold just, I don't know, I mean, we're talking about freezing cold. Everything just kind of, you know, with that, everything just shrinks more. It really does. You just get tight and you shrink.


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[Assistant] So, that's another dirty joke. I said I already have my thing so small.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you wanna see the biggest dad boner ever? Yeaah. Like, takes it to another level.


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[Assistant] Um, honestly, I think it was because I've always wanted to do something Spanish, Latin based.


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[Assistant] It's roots and, you know, I wanted, like I want to be on Narcos. I want to. Oh, that'd be cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so the idea of being even in that kind of world a little bit, I don't know, it just, it felt like-


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[Assistant] Yeah, I felt like it was like uhm, maybe, I don't know. It was like hanging out with cousins or something, you know?


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[Assistant] Especially because they gave me the green light, they're like, go for it. They even said curse as much as you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they tell me to curse in English, say whatever you want, they go, there's no rules here.