[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stealing 10,000 from his employer hired him after his release from prison. Oh shit, that sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, he also stole 35 grand from an elderly patient he pretended to treat. Damn. Dr. Love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's fucking fantastic. Uhm, in honor of, can you put your, can you put your cams on for just one second? Yeah, yeah. Uhm, I just thought in honor of the, uh, uh, Friday morning part song we could play this for you. This came in today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since we're here, uhm, can I show you my mom partying? Sure. Okay. Is this for real? This is real. Okay. And this is genuine. We threw the TMZ stuff on it because I didn't want to steal my footage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So obviously I've grown up with this lunatic and she's farted crazily my whole life. So we're always, you know, the kids, my dad, we were teasing her, right? And always saying things to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was moments, but she had said something like, I have guests, or something, and I was like, I bet you can't rip a, one of your famous farts. And she turned, and it was just one of those moments that as I said it, and I'm like, oh wow, she's gonna do it right now, and I had my phone in my hand, and I just hit that, you know, the camera app, and I was just like, and it just was, it was meant to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Right, right, right. That's what she does. I mean, also, it was like on cue. I mean, I hit record, and it was like, and action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had to like... So what did it cost you? It ended up costing me like a whole series of Toomey luggage. A couple trips to Casino. She likes to play the slots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. Yeaah, she's a... She likes casino. She likes, and she likes, she's a real, like, what kind of free shit can I get? Like, all the time. So, like even, like a month ago, she goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are no cars. I'm looking for a car. I'm like, I know this is code for, will you buy me a car? Right. And she's like, no, there just are none. I go, there's 15 dealerships, like three miles from your house. And she's like, I can't find a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go, well what kind of card do you want? She's like, something simple. Like a Hyundai or something. You want a Hyundai? Okay. Work that out. Next day she goes, do you know what I like? Range Rover. That's not a fucking Hyundai. That's a bit of a leap. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what she does. And if you pull up in a Hyundai, she'd go, David, I like this car. I wish I could have one. I'm like, you can have one. You can go get one. You can get the 30,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh no, she's hard. She's in 6 gear on that. Yeaah, she's ready to go. I mean, it is part, it is partially like Latin culture. Where like, it's just her upbringing and that whole world of like. That the kids do. The kids, but also like someone who has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can do this, and should. Like, you know, somebody of means, like, that's fine. They can, they can spare it, because they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want the, the new iPad. And I'm like, cool. And then she'll mention it a bunch. So I'm like, here you go. And she's like, thank you. Gets it. I'm like, I guess I'm good for a while, right? Nope. Because Apple just released a new fucking iPhone. She's like, I need the new. I'm like, fucking go buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did the hard rock in, in Fort Lauderdale. It's like a, yeah. So it's a big, they have a big new venue and my whole family came. And so we, and then they, they, they have a nice restaurant there and they gave us a room for like, you know, all the whole family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are really great. And that one is all new renovate. I mean, it's, it's pretty, it's beautiful. So


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do the show, uh, like I said, big show, like razzle dazzle, like look at how big this place is, and then this nice meal, and at dinner, my mom's like, I'm going to play the casino, the slots, do you have something for me? And so I go, sure mom, and I gave her like a wink, I'm like, here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give her 500 bucks. Wow. And she goes like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta get some cash, uhm, to like, I know how this, I know this dance, you know. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, give me, give me a thousand dollars. So I find, I'm like, where are you? She goes, I'm over here. I go, I'll see you in a minute. So I've already given her the 500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, I got something else for you mom. A thousand. She goes, thank you. You're the best. And then she goes, do you have a dollar? Oh my god. And I go, what? And she goes, do you have one dollar? And I go, you have 1500 that I just gave you. And she goes, I just, I want to buy this lighter and it's a dollar. And I'm like, use the 1500. And she goes, just give me one. And then I don't have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That's the vehicle that we had in Florida. That was a good one. I like that one a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, me, you don't know about me, but I'm like a huge, like, Nazi memorabilia guy, right? But I'm saying, historically, I like history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the American. He's Jewish, right? I have no idea. Yeah, cause what's his real name? Ralph Lauren?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, damn, that'd be pretty cool if he, if he released a new line of clothes, like there's a new winter collection coming out. You like the SS?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I think we're good. Cool times. You can take him down. Well, should we show him some talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking unreal. That you get this, that it gets to happen though. Like, that is like, you know, something that I feel like you see in New York. Why, like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct? Yeah. Not good for you either. No, that's what I hear. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard it can turn out pretty poorly. It can what? Turn out poorly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a very specific look. It is a very specific look. And hitting the tires with everything he's got. What's going on here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was that, what was that site or something, or you could get these old tapes from that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you follow, uh, mcdojolife on, on Instagram? No. He curates all these, like. Say it again? mcdojolife. m-c-d-o-j-o-life. And he, uh, he basically just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he has, he, so he's always finding the, uh, essentially the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. This, this page will have you occupied for hours. It's amazing. It's like just people giving classes and seminars that have no fucking idea what they're talking about. Yeah. Telling you this is how you fight somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is an odd, it's an odd fitness look. I'm gonna go do fitness now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cardio at least. Some cardio, yea. You ready to watch that? There's a few more. Can we show you a couple more? Uh, surely. Okay. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Dave is interested in, so if you want to know that weather all the time, it's Sean Smith, uh, 008. Just so you know. If you want to follow him later. You guys, when do you guys write that down for me? And then throw it away? Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it'll kinda look like you're, I don't know, being hung or something. It's not gonna look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, well look, uhm, Dave's gotta go to the airport. Yeah, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so just so you guys know, uh, once again, February 12th, you go to officialdavidcross.com and you can see I'm from the future. Uh, it's absolutely hilarious. Please make sure you go and check it out. Officialdavidcross.com. Um, congratulations on another special and thanks again for coming, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then their whole thing with me is like, we wanna torture you. That's what they say. Torture daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as I'm doing that, my face is like dug down like this. And then I just feel like I feel something against my forehead. And as I feel it, because I'm huffing and puffing, I take a deep inhale. I'm like, and I'm like, oh, and I pushed back and it's my three year olds asshole. He had sat right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva. Go to Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Welcome to your mom's house. The situation in Ukraine continues to escalate. We'll be going into great detail today. What the Kremlin has to say. Of course midterms are coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know- I don't give a fuck. So, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got some, uh, people getting really hurt today for you. Some, uh, real crazy people. And then two outliers are kind of stopped. Well, that's actually next week, but you know, we got a lot of stuff to show you. A lot of fun stuff. Um, and great stories, you know, amazing things happened over the last few weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, what are you doing after the show? I go, I have another show. He was like, ah, you can't come out with us. So, anyway, it was just a lot of fun. I mean, it was just like, he fucking hits me up constantly, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I get in? I go, you can buy a ticket. He's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't, he was like, I don't have Venmo. Like, uh, you know, I was like, what? And he goes, well, I mean, how do I get the ticket? I go bring cash and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I made him pay over the face value too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I could have, I could have made some real money on these. So I was like, you gotta, you gotta pay for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh whatevs. We're gonna go, uhm, I know we were gonna do something with the kids, but he and I are gonna do something, uhm, spring break week. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like a, he's a huge fan of like, uh, the South Pacific, so we wanna do something like Fiji, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when the biggest movie star in the world comes to your show, you're a little different afterwards, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And agent jeans I'm working with as he continues to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, everybody, everybody, like, so he came to the early show. Brad. Yeah, on Saturday, Brad did, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I call him, uhm, BP and I call him, uh, yeaah, yeaah. I call him B Pizzle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird when you're like this far away and you're like, you've been watching someone in movies for like 30, 3 decades. You know, you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I told him the story, I told him the story of seeing Legends of the Fall. Because I told my sisters, he was kind of, you know, and I was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were in, we moved to Milwaukee in, uh, I think it was 93, maybe it was 91. Anyway, one weekend, we would always go to this one movie theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I mean that was like... Look at that face. Look at him here. And that hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like focusing on Anthony Hopkins. I'm like, well, at least there's a fucking real man in this movie. And then yeah, it's 94. I think that's it again. 94. So then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I watch, I go, why are we watching this shit? You know, and like, just cause you two can flick your beans for a whole fucking hour and a half. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I told him, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was like, I knew you were a fucking gay dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the thing about him, here's the truth about, here's the truth about really good looking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is an overabundance of them, really. There's tons of good looking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The difference, no, the difference is the talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you can find a million of them. You can find them on Instagram. But like, when they're really good looking AND...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people are at this level of like, those combinations? You got Brad Pitt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, he seems like he, the way he comes into a room, cause you know your effect on, like I remember this story from uh, uh, Joey DS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. But I mean, these uh, these icon level people, it's like, Joey Diaz told me that he did that movie, it wasn't a, it didn't turn out to be like a big box office, but it was, he was with Robert De Niro, right? It's this boxing that's like this, De Niro started to make these fucking weird


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's doing, he's like, you know, so the first day he's like, Joey's supposed to be reading the paper and then he's sitting on set in the chair, in the gym, right? In the boxing gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] De Niro's first thing is that he put his hand on, uhm, like Joey's shoulder and said it's okay. It's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm shitting your pants right now. Yea, but he did it in a way that was like, like, this is gonna be alright, everything's gonna be alright. You know? I was like, well, he goes, cause he knew that I was like, ahhh, like, how do I do this with you? He's like, it's alright. And now you have that effect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been having it, yeah. I mean, I notice it. So now I tell people, like when they meet them, a lot of times they go, it's going to be alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, what's okay? You're gonna be fine. But he came in like a normal guy. He came in like he was the fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this. And then he comes in and he goes, ah, I can't believe I'm meeting you, man. I'm such a huge fan. I was like, yeah, me too. Um, and then he was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't eating, but he's like, this is just what you do? Like, cause we had, the Laker game was on, like we're in LA, and uhm, I had music playing, I have like a Bluetooth speaker, he's like, you just listen to music and watch Laker games to prepare? I go, yeah, cause I'm prepared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you don't have to deal with anything. I got up and on tour for five months. It's all the preparation. The show's ready to go. And he was like, aw man. And then we just like, shot the shit. Like, you know, talked about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what? I asked him, I was like, what's the fucking, what's really going on? How do you look like this at 50 fucking 8? And he goes, you want to know the truth? I said, yeah. He goes, my body never has come in it. Like I, it always is gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he goes, the problem, he goes, you're looking, you're aging because your body's holding on to all this cum. And he goes, mine is always out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you that's also rad is that his stopping by, you know, he probably, so he came like 15 or 20 minutes before the show, something like that. Yeah, like 20 minutes before. Um, and we hung out, you know, in the dressing room and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took some pictures and then we just kinda shot the shit. Uhm, and then I walked backstage and I did the, I introduced Ryan. And then, uh, Ryan by the way, I gotta stop. Wait, let me, remind me of the Ryan thing in a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, I introduced Ryan, you know, and then the house goes dark and then they, I go, you know, they're gonna walk you to your seat and I had my security guy walk him to, you know, take care of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he watched the show, and then after the show, a lot of times celebrities, I've had celebrities at shows, they leave. They're like, oh, they took off, you know, and you're like, oh, okay. He stayed for the whole show, came back after the show, said, you know, like, rave reviews, was super generous, and then he was like, alright, we're gonna, we're gonna go, and so we walked him out to the, to the garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the early show. After the late show, we were all, I'm talking about like my crew, right? Me, Sean, Ryan, Dave, Keir, Mark, like that's who I roll with on tour. We were all like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part, this is actually the best part, my cousin Jeanette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this was the best. Brad comes back, Brad prefers hanging out, you know, and then after the show, I walk him through this tunnel and we just say goodbye and here's the garage. As I turn around, they go, Hey, you have a, like, is your cousin Jeanette? She's upstairs. I'm like, Oh yeah, bring her down. She comes down. I go, guess who just left?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she's like, who? And I go, Brad Pitt. She goes, shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point when we're about to start the show, I go, can you go anywhere? To Brett, right? I'm like, how can you go anywhere?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, check this out. So he has that, the bucket hat. His hair is tucked into it, right? Cause his hair is actually longer. He tucks it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got the jacket. And then he has like one of those full face masks. So the mask, when he goes, check this out, he puts it on and it covers from here, but also his entire face. Like it covers it. That beautiful face. Yeah, it's completely, all you see is this. Those beautiful blue eyes. You just see this. And then he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes like that. I'm like, yeah, man, actually I have no idea. And then Brian goes, looks like Chad Pitt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the masks are the best thing ever. Oh, I bet. This guy's going to shows and like- He's green now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see what he did on Instagram? He reposted all my photos and he added audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's a great, really good actress. Uhm, I fuck up her name. It's Alia Shaw. What is it? What is it? She's tagged in the previous photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want fucking details. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you wanna, if you wanna like, keep him drained, cause he's like, I gotta stay drained, then uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'd be like, if he's like, you want me to keep making movies, then let me fuck your wife. I'm like, okay. Um, all right. Let's start this. Let's, uh, keep it, keep the theme going with another super hot guy. Ready? And here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today I'm excited to announce that Manscaped launched their new ultra premium collection. I'm talking about a leveled up hygiene routine with your favorite manly scent. You are out of your goddamn mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're just leaving a full bush around your nuts and your dong, especially your crazy asshole, I mean you're trying to get that thing lapped up like the rest of us, I'm assuming, and there's no way you're going to do that if it's a forest back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect grooming routine with the whole ultra premium collection. It includes Manscaped premium deodorant, hydrating body spray, body wash, two in one shampoo, plus a free three pack set of lip balms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these products are cruelty free, paraben free, vegan friendly, and dye free. The best ingredients with zero compromise. Get that Ultra Premium Collection hot off the shelves right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. The power of attraction is now in a bottle. Thanks to Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta talk to you for a second, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm not against mixing brands, you know, if you want to wear Adidas and Nikes, like that's fine. I think it's a little curious, maybe, that he wears his Mercedes, uh, medallion, but he drives a BMW.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That only gets you a certain, I think you should keep, you don't want to go totally blue. Right? Right? When you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, he could have just been like, we can take a magical trip, girl. Right, metaphors. That's why the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your tongue should not turn doodoo brown. Doodoo brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's, he's, he evolved, or devolved, yeaah. He was always, he was always pretty direct, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got into like fucking straight up fucking songs, you know? Yeah. But yeah, you're right, there's a little, it started a little bit of metaphor. Uh, your body's talking to me, you know, that, that stuff was like, that's not as direct, it still has a little bit of a layer of imagination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it got, it got, he got pretty racy later, yea. And there's definitely more, I mean, a lot of the guys that kind of like sing rap, you know what I mean? Like it was, they used to be separate, there was rappers and singers and now they like kind of, a lot of them do both. They'll get super, today's music is way more vulgar, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Romance. Yeaah, or you know, even if it's about sex, there's some metaphor there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really smooth actually. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost seems like, how could you look like that? I know. I don't think it's a filter though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy's been, he's been posting stuff for a while, and it always has a similar, like, he has his link, like, you know how Unk Shine does his thing? Yeah, I love these guys. He does his thing, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does his thing too. It's like his look changes a little bit more, but, um, if you go to the top there, that top row, like just start with like that three, that second one in from the left, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this. He looks better with a goatee. He looks better with a goatee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize that like Unkshine, if you go to Unkshine, Unkshine every day posts like 45 videos a day and a still or two, but he has a rotation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'ma bite your ass, I'ma eat your drawers, I'ma suck your titties, I'ma suck your feet, I'ma meet you girl, I'ma, oh, how you doing girl, I'ma suck your ass, I'ma bite your ass, I'ma eat your drawers, I'ma, he has his like cycle. This guy is, this world is lonely without love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's mostly that kind of stuff. I can't imagine that he really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scroll down like, whoo. What about that, the one you were just on there? Yeaah. What's he saying there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking hell. Can you pick a random, see like third in from the left? Right there, yeaah. What's going on there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smooth you up first. He's like, with all due respect, I respect you. I want love in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a good look for him, by the way. No, that one's a good one. He should have kept his hair. Yea, and the beard. And I like the slicked back. The close beard for him. It's a good look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and then this guy, hey girl, wanna make it up to you girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's not about the act of sex with someone. He hasn't been with someone. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, come hound is searching for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, again, we could probably find someone that wants to try, but I don't think we should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the, you know the type of person who says there's a, you can live on all the company. You want to know who does that? It's this type of person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get it. It's nice to walk barefoot in the sand and the grass. Sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, in stores I'm like, nah, I want shoes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna call a couple of cool western guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is fucking crazy. Remember the Thai soccer team, um, story from a few years back where these boys and their coach had gone into the caves, which was normal to do in this part of Thailand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they shut the caves down in July, because that's when the rainy season begins, right? Right. And they fill up with water. Well, they were in in June, so they hadn't closed off the caves yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big rain came and these poor people were missing for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened was, I mean, I don't want to give away the whole story. It's a well-known story, so you know they were rescued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the Thai Navy SEALs and like all these profect, like military divers, they're not cave divers. They're divers for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the whole point is that these guys that are Navy SEALs in, from any country, while they're specialists and they're special forces and they know how to dive and they're great swimmers,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are private citizens. They're hobbyists. They're people who dive in caves for fun. And we're talking about like the openings in some of these caves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to slide their bodies. It's the shit they would send most people into, you know, like, uh, anxiety, like episode, right? And these guys are like, this is what I do for fun. So the military has to end up tapping private citizens to go like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, how would you do this? And those guys become instrumental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, to actually rescuing these, but it's a fascinating story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out. And two and a half hours back. And you have to rescue children one by one. That's the one part I don't want to give away. I mean, I'm sure you can read about it if you don't. But it's so fascinating. It's on Disney Plus. It's a really good doc. I mean, it's really, really well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's got like old, like old wetsuits and stuff and they're like, uhm, going on. He's like, I'm the world's best cave diver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I actually greatly resent it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're with somebody who's not a big fan of Valentine's Day, but because you have a public presence, other people find it in their hearts to want to share a Valentine's message with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have a couple, uh, admirers, uhm, of the Brad Pitt-esque type, uhm, who sent messages to you. Let's see, let's see what we got here. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a lovely message. Thank you Steve. Uhm, I like that you, how you filmed this looks good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so. What? What about Chris Larson? Has he done a monthly post? I'd really like to see what's coming on in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the February post for people who have not missed it? Old C. Lars does a monthly post and we always look forward to them because he has such great insight. Wow. Exactly the same. That is a great, yeah, he's got a similar thing going on to our Glendale Gary. Okay, let's see what C. Lars has to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay warm guys, everybody out there. If it's cold, especially if it's cold where you are, stay warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you want to eat tonight? Maybe you want a home cooked favorite, but don't feel like going to the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want something exciting and new, but would much rather stay in instead. DoorDash connects you with everything you want whenever and however you want it. Doesn't matter what you're feeling, man. You want pizza, sushi, you want a ice cream, you want a banana split?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your items will be left safely outside your door when you choose contactless delivery drop off. For a limited time, our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and you enter the code YMH. That's 25% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, viewing another doc, uh, we saw the Tinder Swindler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll, the thing I like about it is you know there's a hustle going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's established very, very quickly that this guy is hustling, conning women in some way, but you're not, you're just not entirely sure what the hustle exactly is. Part of it is because of how it unravels on the show. That's the, uh, that's the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think con men are really, they are fascinating to study a con, you know? Uhm, like how it's effective, like a really effective one. You're like, wow, like you really are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So capable of tricking somebody like this, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His con involves getting you emotionally attached first. Yeaah. Cause it doesn't work without that. So it's like, I love you, here's, you know, I'll show you how much I love you. Emotionally connecting. Yes. Then the person is like, in. And then you go, now I need a favorite. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he, he became so in demand that he would turn people down, and it would make them want him to accept him more. Exclusivity. Yeaah, so it was like, I'm kinda like, we're full, and he's like, please, I beg you, please, take my money. So with the perception of him,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I dunno. Madoff is definitely the most famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, is the bait hooks him. You know, in his case, he was, uhm, showing his lifestyle, which was like, out of this world, you know. He was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you gotta be really committed to your con. That's the one thing is like, they always say this with criminals, the ones who really put this effort, you're like, you're smart. You know, you're, you're an intelligent person and you put a lot of effort into doing this. But, and I remember, I forget who it was, they're like, why wouldn't you do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it the straight way, put all this effort and smarts into something legal. Yeaah. There's no thrill in that though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, do you, like, get them to, to, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we do a hot sauce tasting uhm, where you, you actually rank best hot sauce?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we did an episode of Two Bears, and Bert loves hot sauce. And at one point, I guess he was talking about how much, and he said something, and Bert didn't hear it because he didn't have a headphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now it's my favorite thing that he's ever said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't stupid. It wasn't stupid the way he said it. It was just, you know, it's just one of those things that I've latched on to and now I'll never let it go, you know. This is what it's like to be friends with me. Uhm, so now it's just, you know. Not such the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm so excited to tell you what I have planned. Yeah? Yeah. It's for any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hot sauce is the best. Okay, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told me I have to watch, I have not seen this, uh, confrontation at a drive through. So I think you're going to love it. It's it's multiple parts. It's pretty long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, touch my camera through the car window. Everybody is punished! Oh, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's a dick, this guy, but the guy recording really is keeping his composure in an impressive way. Yea. You know? Like the fact that he's so calm is actually pretty impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he actually, I don't think he actually really heard that, you know. He was like, is that your EBT? He was like, yea, it's a credit card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I am kinda tired. Uhm, I also feel like this, uh, you know, it's kinda relatable though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meaning, you don't always hold up, you don't hold up the line like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thought has occurred to you, like if I don't, I've waited, if I don't get my food,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck everybody, like everybody relates to that emotion. They don't always act on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? No. You've never been like frustrated to the point where you're like, fuck all this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not that, no, no. I'm saying you've never related to the emotion of being so frustrated that you're like fuck every, like you don't, I'm not saying you actually hold up the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot, this is about to get, it feels like it's about to get violent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the other thing, that's the other thing. If you're one of those people behind them, you're like, this guy's an asshole, and he's drunk, but I also want this line to fucking move. At a certain point, I'd be like, yeah, here's fucking 40 bucks. Buy McDonald's tomorrow too, get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this thing that I'm supposed to pronounce?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you, you saw the pronunciation though. You think it's not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not exaggerating this, I've never heard a other version of crayon, ever. I've never heard it said the way that you guys are even. Crayon. I've never heard anybody say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, now you're saying crayon. Crayon. Crayon. Crayon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crayon. Crayon. Crayon. Crayon. Crayon. Crayon. He said crayon. Yea, that's like the British way, right? Yea, that is. Yea. Does Danny say that too? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually, uh, this is like as like somebody's telling me that, you know, oh, did you know you've been saying house? You know what I always, I just always say hoose. I'd be like, what the fuck are you even talking about? I've never, anybody, it's never been a debate about how to say crayon. No, that's what I thought too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I don't ever want to hear this argument again. It's very stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uhm, no, it was, he was genuine and, and you know, he was like, Burt was just someone of his dumb fucking diatribes, you know? Sure. And then he just jumped in like, no, I agree, it is best. So then I was like, oh fuck off. Yeah. Hot sauce is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so we were home before I left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was wrestling with our boys on the couch. You actually have this on video. We can't share it because there's pedophiles, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was right before they bathe, so they fuckin' rip their clothes off. They run around naked like psychos. And then their whole thing with me is like, we wanna torture you. That's what they say. So they jump, they kick, scratch, bite, fuckin' hit me. They're like, throw me! It's all like, super aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, Ellis, who's bigger and stronger, he'll like hurt me. So I'll pick him up and I'll put him, you know, I'll hold him like in a, in a grip. And I just start like squeezing them, you know, like doing pressure point stuff. And he's like, ah, so as I'm doing that, my face is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't really see, you know, like, cause I'm squeezing them on the couch and I'm buried down like this. And then I just feel, like I feel something against my forehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as I feel it, because I'm huffing and puffing, I take a deep inhale. I'm like, and I'm like, oh, and I pushed back and it's my three year olds asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had sat right here and I didn't see it and I go, oh, and it smelled like a musky, like a full day asshole. He had farted and sweat and shit. I was like, oh, and it burned. It's singed the hairs in my nose. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 10 minutes later, I'm getting ready to just jump in the shower and I'm like, I smell it. Like I can smell it. It's still in my nose. And I've never seen him so happy. He was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course we watched it together. He's like, airdrop it. I was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. He's probably used to like, you know, bigger accommodations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Well, uhm, I think we should wrap this up. Okay. Because we have some things we gotta do. Yup, stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We will be back in a week with more. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, don't forget, my book is on pre-sale, tomsquare.com slash brook, brook? No, slash book. The uh, audible is now up, the audible thing. A lot of people asked about audible, but you can order it anywhere. You can pre-order books. Um, we've been doing the audio book. It's been a lot of fun. Uh, we've been recording it here at the studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, I'm on tour, comscore.com slash tour. I would like to do my dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More, if you want the, uhm, the first come first serve thing about the, uh, my tickets for the next leg that we're going to announce, sign up on the website for the mailing list, because we'll send them the link first, the pre-sale link first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, there you go. Thank you for watching and listening. We'll see you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly have no idea why he does this. Uhm, my working theory is that he's stupid. He's stupid. The snake is dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gabriel. You and your friend. Yeaah. And Sheila and her friend. Y'all come to Miami movies. Yeaah. That's where I'm at. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not a cool guy. Yeah, yeah. Stop commenting daddy under my post, you guys, please. Please, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, if you didn't know, it's Thanksgiving weekend. What better time than to get your family together and go to livestream.ymhstudios.com and enjoy YMH Live 7 with your whole family and eat some turkey with the heavy segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Jeans, big announcement. I'm doing another show at Credit Union One Arena. This one's on April 16th, my birthday. I'm having a big, huge, comedy bash. You can get tickets starting today, Wednesday, starting at 10am local time. Use the code word everywhere for access. The general on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday, it's gonna be a wild night. Go to TomStocker.com slash tour for tickets. And we do know that Austin is AUS for the airport code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people are like, it's not ATX. I'm like, yea I know. We fly into it every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash The Shit and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They credited the Kardashians with making that popular. A cool thing to make popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, yes, it's dramatic. They're all dramatically different looking. All of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's, who does she date? Do you know? Me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He might be going to motherfucking jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And apparently he, uhm, I mean the accusation is that like he sees people like being trampled and just is like whatever, kept performing, doesn't stop his performance, doesn't like have people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back out, I mean, 23 people were hospitalized, I think. It was a disaster. And he has a history of like, uh, of not really giving a fuck what happens at his, uh, shows, like people getting hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, so he, it's just like a ill-prepared, um, venues. Low security. Yeah, or just limit, like not enough, and uh, people were, like I said, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, but you know, it's his festival. So you just don't know what could, what could end up happening. But they're saying that like, he might be charged with something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would never go to this. I would never go to a show. I would go to certain concerts, but like not like a hardcore show at all. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wouldn't go to any type of show like that. I also like, you know, sporting events, like I like sports. Like I went to that Austin FC game, which is a soccer game. That was awesome. But it was like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice facility, like, even though there's a lot of fucking intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, excitement there, but I never felt like, oh shit, like I've gone to NFL games where I'm like, Jesus Christ, these fucking animals, you know, like I just think people are spilling beers on you. Not that that can't happen at a soccer game. It can obviously, but there's just environments that I don't want to be in anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're on Happy Thanksgiving! Don't forget, go to livestream.ymhstudios.com and you can still see YMH Live 7, which is, uh, for your family for Thanksgiving weekend. Uhm, but anyway,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every week, uh, usually it's this week. Yeah. Where Florida, Florida state plays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's always like, and if you're, if you live in Florida and you know, you have some allegiance, whatever, it's always just like, and it's, it's a, obviously it's a family weekend, it's Thanksgiving weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got invited to go a few years ago and this is, you know, going back to high school days for me where like that game was like a huge game. Like it had, it had national championship implications every year. Like if you lost that game, you probably probably won't be playing for the title. Um, this is when both teams were, were really good. But anyway, it always brings out, you know, excitement and emotions and uh, I got invited to go and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, dad, do you want to go see Florida, Florida state? Like at, I think it was in Gainesville and he was like, ah,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it was like, like into a suite. Sure. And he was like, how close can we park though? And I was like, all right, like we got a suite. Like I'm sure there's decent parking for that. And he was like, and I go, well, here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll, I'll make sure the parking is great, but we're going to stay for the whole game. And he was like, why? Because he would do this thing. He's so annoying to go to a game with where he would be like, it's fourth quarter and he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. And you're like, it's fucking tied up with, with seven minutes left. Yeah, we got to get to the car though. I'm like, um, this is why everyone's here right now. These last few minutes, seconds. Who wins the game? He's like, and you just see him and he's like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. Alright, let's go, let's go. And you're like, you're taking me away at the- This is like leaving a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's not a good game, I get it. If you see, if you're at a Laker game and there's a, whatever, a 20 point difference in the fourth quarter, like, between the two teams, it's like, alright, it's clear who's gonna win this game. But if it's like a back and forth,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Crazy survival. I'm telling you, I mean, he would take me to NFL games when we lived in the cities with NFL teams. And it was every time he's like, let's go. And like, it's fucking, there's 12 minutes left in the game, man. Yeah, they're going to win. We should just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Texas Longhorns, yeah. The University of Texas Longhorns. It's a college team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the name of the game. Alright, opening clip, you ready? Yeah. Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really, it's interesting. And it seems like a grandkid maybe? Clearly, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, you don't think so? Nooooo. I see him and Leo having a lot of similarities. There's part two, ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Where was this posted? Maybe he's like, you know how like some people don't realize that TikTok is public? Yeaah. Maybe he thought of FaceTime as like you record yourself and you send it to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, panca I've always thought was like a belly, you know? But maybe he is saying that, my belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be. Yeah. All airport codes became three letter codes. So those that needed a letter were just given the X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it makes sense that you could think that. I'm saying, like, you see it, you know, every time you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What someone tells you to eat on Thanksgiving. That was my big, like, what is it? We've done that. Epiphany. I think beginning in 2012, I think that's the first year that I did it where I bought steaks and lobster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I got my stuff. I have two children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way Google hates Nadav is how much I hate fucking him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna have a steak. And we're gonna see family. Yeah. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they don't give me a steak, walk out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you didn't, you don't fucking respect that we want steak. Yeah. And just leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Late. Really. How late? Very late. Well after dinnertime. Hours after dinner. We had, actually we had guests come over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And then he was invited and he was like, yeah, I'm coming over. But then we were like, I guess we should start. And then dinner was over and then a few hours after that. So this is probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six hours or seven hours after you had said to come over, uh, he brought over a woman he was seeing. She was Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I always felt like you were having dessert, right? And it is, the kids love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pecan. I love pecan pie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One week from today, if you're watching this, is the anniversary of my injury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. We told those kids, this is cause of fucking Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told, uh, something about, so I don't know, Ella said God, did I tell you this? I go, well, who's God? He goes, who's God? I go, yeah, he goes, he controls the weather, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the body is decomposed, but then there's just a shell. So we put it in some water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, what are we gonna name the uh, this turtle shell? And he was like, Pixel. Stop. It's a good name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It brought me back to, uh, remember the last episode, we were talking about that movie, Old, that M. Night Shyamalanma Ding Dong made?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, um, uh, he has a rapper character in that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like the name of a character in like a Sandler movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tone, everything, they're like, the kid's like, that's midsize sedan. And then when they ask him his name, he's like, I'm midsize sedan. And it's at like the height of tension. And it felt like, uh, I dunno, it totally took me out. I'm like, why are you giving him this funny name in this film? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever get, like, you couldn't resist being funny. I know. In the opportunity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like saying something at a dinner that like is not appropriate. Yeah. Like that is funny. Like it was funny. Like, yeah, but you don't say it there, bro. Oh, I do that a lot. Well, everyone does. I'm saying every comedian does my saying. My point is like, that's what he did with that character in that movie. Like he should have just given him a more banal, you know, like not excited. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I mean, it's not every week. No. But I mean, it's every season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would say four times a year. I'm like, why you don't say that? And you're like, I don't know. You, you've taught me how to be around people. You're like, I found you in the fucking Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what they titled this, this clip? Cop gets the Asian garage treatment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smashed another officer. With a police, he's a, he's a cop. Into another car. Insanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. She is. She's like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you'd be more upset at somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, like, you know, the stairs, like, are you really that, how, how can you get your feet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was upset too. I was upset too. But, I mean, if it had been because of somebody else's negligence or something, you'd be more upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If anyone, and snare another, putting a ban upon him, but he cannot prove it, then he that ensnared him shall, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's true. Uhm, what do I want to play for you? There's something I had lined up. Oh. Homeboy. If we never really get to see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is him actually like, having a nice conversation. Flirting even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but this is like not just horny, cause sometimes he gets horny and it's like pretty charged up sexual energy. Sometimes he's just like flirting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this actually is all I think about when I, when, like when this clip plays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't what Dr. Drew, that thing always plays in my head. Meth goes to. Cocaine runs from uniforms and meth goes towards it. Towards the light. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, I mean, it is something. He, uh, also you forget she's not acknowledging it, but she certainly sees that he's recording this. He's turning the camera, but she doesn't look at it, which I think is also a tactic where you're like, I know that I'm on camera right now, but I'm just not gonna, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, if you're over 120, he'll be a good sport and let you suck it, he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can go there, but I gotta brush, and I gotta use a mouthwash. Yeah. I don't think that's the first thing on your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they, they a lot of times have poor dental hygiene as well. Yeah. Never seen a crack head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were out with the kids and uhm, we had lunch somewhere and then we're walking and this guy has a cute little French Bulldog, which I love Frenchies. And so the kids are playing and really happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just like talking to us and then at one point you go, we have a, uh, a Brussels. He's like, oh, what's that? You show him a picture?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, what's your dog's name? And you go, Bitsy. And he goes, ah, Biffy. And you go, no, Bitsy. He's like, Biffy's a good name. And you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just reminds me honestly of my, uh, father. Yeah. Who miss- says every fucking word. Yeah. Like, can you read or something? What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he can't, you know, he cannot say it. I guess you could say this is not technically an English word, but he can't say concierge. What does he say? Concierge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then the next week we'll see, I'm in Toronto. Where are you? I'm here. He's like, um, if you ask the concierge, he could tell you where I'm like, dad, the word is concierge. There's a, like, you don't, you don't see the G or what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, Joe Pesky is a good actor. I'm like, Joe Pesky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so upsetting. He says Washington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he actually mis- like pronounces a lot of names. Names are one. Like, people's names is what he gets wrong a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today's episode is brought to you by Whoop, the personalized digital fitness and health coach. Monitor your recovery sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see how much time I spent in bed, I see what the variables are, that I have good REM sleep, good deep sleep, how much time I actually slept. I feel like it informs exactly how I'm gonna feel that day. I look at my recovery, I know whether I can stress myself, uh, with a really hard workout, whether I gotta dial it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all because of whoop. I love the sleep coach. I love the strain coach. It's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic. The all new waterproof device is free when you go sign up for a Whoop 4.0 membership for any members. If you have six months left of membership on your account, you can upgrade now and get the 4.0 for free. And right now Whoop is offering 15% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you use the code mom at checkout, go to whoop w h o o p dot com. Enter M O M at checkout to save 15% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Manscaped. Gentlemen, the holidays came early because Manscaped, the leading men's hygiene brand, has launched new products. All new ultra premium body wash and two in one shampoo and conditioner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time to give yourself the gift of beautiful skin, hair, and balls this holiday season. I guarantee your hygiene routine will never be the same. Go to manscape.com slash mom for 20% off plus free shipping. Make sure you're feeling and smelling prepared for a little action under the mistletoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you have, what, dry, ashy skin, well you're in luck. Manscaped's new products include the Ultra Premium Body Wash. This 16 ounce aluminum bottle with a pump top is infused with aloe vera and sea salt to keep your skin feeling fresh, clean, and moisturized. They have so many great products. I've never been disappointed by anything from Manscaped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash mom. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Clean up your candy cane this year with Manscape. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is definitely, I mean that's obviously deliberate, you know what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because flights, they still take it pretty seriously. Sure. No, just somebody being like, mask? You need to wear your, like, I've heard the flight attendant be like, yea, you're not eating right now, so you need to put your mask on like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean that's SWAT, if that would have been the guy's arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. That's really insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was just like, I have eight Ferraris, I don't know what else to do. That's what Mike Tyson did, you know, he was like, eh, tiger. I have a lot of cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are just like these stinky pussies that are out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's all like you're in interior, you know, internal chemical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Balance, but like yeaah. And then there's ones where you're like, you know, I've been putting my nose in this thing for a while and I don't smell a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in general, it goes, you know what it goes to? It goes to like little things, like sometimes you'll be like, you've said to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like you, you haven't, uh, look at the, look at your eyebrow hairs or like, look at that thing on your face. I'm like, what? And you go, don't you look at your face? And I'm like, no, not really. Like I passed by a mirror. Sure. But like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think, my point is that like, a woman, most women, really spend time like, examining themselves. Hygiene and. No, that, the examining yourself leads into hygiene. Men's level of even looking at ourselves, like we don't put on makeup. That's probably why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you miss things, you know, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if we actually paid attention to our, I bet you guys that like really maintain their looks also have great dental hygiene. Definitely. You know, my dental hygiene is fair. Like I floss, I brush. You do brush. But I don't go like, I'm not like super on top of it. I mean I go to the dentist, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time this girl came, uh, she saw me perform somewhere and, uh, man, I mean, I was so new, but afterwards she was like, do you want to come over? And I was like, man, I'm fucking hungry right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, uhm, maybe later. And then the next day she was like, do you not find me attractive? And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes like, you don't find me attractive? I go, oh no, I do. It was actually that night. Sorry, it was later that night. She goes, oh, like I was offering you to come over and I was like, oh, but I was just like super hungry. So I went and I got a burger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like really like connect, you know? It's a very low number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there has to be, you're right, there has to be intellectual stimulation, right? You have to be able to have lots of conversations, long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you have to be emotionally stimulated, physically stimulated, it's a lot of things. It is. It's crazy when somebody is like, oh, no, I don't think about this. Like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just, I'm dating now for a while. Just hot. Yeah, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he thinks, like, maybe guys like that think of it as like, I don't want anything but, like, but the physical stuff. Yeah. And. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe that's why it only, like, he's just on a rotation, cause that gets boring. Like after a while, so he's like, oh, he's gotta get a new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the good thing about being in a dog shit shape when you're young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See all of my skinny friends, like my high school friends are all skinny, they're all fat. Like they just like look like shit. But I looked like shit early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can keep getting better. Yeah, that's true. So lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that? No, it's just, I mean, all of us, uhm, it's weird to not accept aging too. I heard this thing one time where it said basically you should try to look the best you can for your age. Yeah. And that's like a reasonable thought, right? So you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't try to look 21 at 41. Cause it's fucking, you'll never reach it. But you can try to be the best 41 you can be, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, and then, and you should, and those standards at 51 will change again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's yea, care. Care. Give a shit. Just give a shit dude. Start getting better clothes. Better clothes. That helps a lot. It really does. The older you get, like now you can, like when you're in your 40s and you get in your 50s, you can like dress like a distinguished person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. There's a reason like men too, especially like an older man, every guy looks good in a suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think that like you, you don't have to have them custom made, but you can have a tailor just tapered the pants, the hem that whatever, and all of a sudden it looks like they were made for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person who's gonna take down, you know? Bezos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever is the most popular thing in the world. It's like, I don't support McDonald's. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't do Apple products. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would go, I would go to the Apple store, but I don't want to deal with the fucking hour wait, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love their products, I've been a loyal customer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's worse than the DMV. It is. I mean, it is just a fucking, the, the arrogance, the smug fucking arrogance of that company and their employees, the way their shitty little fucking grins. I know. Did you make an appointment to ask me a question? Hey fuckhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? What a horrible...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I still go like, yea, I bought the fucking laptop, the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you just feel like you have to, or like you just, that's the worst is when there's like somebody standing there like, hey can I help you? And you're like, yea, like uhm, I'm having trouble with connecting, like a basic thing, like, these uhm, airpods don't connect?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, let me get your name, like, well do you know how it works? Yeah, just help me. Is there a thing I can do? And they're like, I don't work it. Someone will come over and you're like, you're just drawing this out. You know the answer. Just fucking say the answer, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I get a charger for this thing? They're like, uhm, so I'm gonna, uh, Raven will come over in a little while. Talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Small town DMVs are the shit. This is not small town, but small town ones are the shit. Yeah, for sure. The best one is in Vero. You go there, you just walk in and someone's like, help you? It's like a hardware store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, I need my registration. They're like, all right, walk up, take care of it in like 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like to do in those places? Is you go like, Hey, did this thing go through? And they'll be like, yeah. I'm like, yeah, you know, one time I was here and I took a bunch of stuff and it, none of it, um, the code didn't read. So I just left with it. I just left with a bunch of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a lot of times they shut down, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did that to a lady one time. I was like, oh, you know, I've, I've stolen a jewelry from you before. And she was like, okay. She kind of looked around. I was like, yeah, I just like to steal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I asked this a lot of times too. I'll go to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in a department store or something, I'll be like, how, as I'm talking to like a salesperson, like how prevalent is stealing? They're like pfft, like it is a major, major issue still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked that at like a designer store and they're like, yeah, it still gets done here all the time. And then you're like, but you have to like unlock things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also, you gotta applaud someone that can get an erection and perform in that kind of situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of stress. High stress situation. Can you get an erection right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what uh, what uh, Rocko, when he was at that taping. Yeah, your hero. He was with another guy who was like a porn director and they were, he was talking about how great of a performer Rocko is and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yes, you know, it's 10 degrees outside, but we have to shoot the scene. And he's like, I don't take a pill, nothing. And the guy was like, it's true. He's amazing. He's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, it's too hot, it's cold, it's uncomfortable, he's like, Rocco's always ready. And we were like, wow man, that is really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still out there. Stuff in box. Stepping on necks. Choking girls out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It actually, you make a great point. It is, when people ask me the most, they go, they'll be like, I'm funny, or like, my friend's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but they go, you know, how does he make it? And we go, well, that's the difference. Maybe he's only funny off stage. Maybe he's funny on stage too. That's where you got to try. But there's a huge difference between funny at dinner and funny on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, the sex worker, that's what they essentially are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's the thing is that they're, they're, I don't even know what they're like, uh, in their personal lives, but like professionally it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's lights and there's cameras and there's a stranger and you know, you have to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know what I mean? You're like, yeah, it's exciting if I get it. But you're like, you have your day where you're like, I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch one of those like HBO things where they asked the guy that and he was like, yeah, you have to take your mind somewhere else. Start thinking about someone who does do it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be thankful for family food and free bets. That's right, DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL has a Turkey Day no-brainer you can't miss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DraftKings is safe, secure, and reliable. Best of all, you can deposit and withdraw your cash whenever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now, use promo code MOM, bet just $1 on any Thanksgiving NFL game, and win $100 in free bets if either team scores a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's promo code MOM. This Thanksgiving at DraftKings Sportsbook. An official sports betting partner of the NFL. Must be 21 or older. New Jersey, Indiana or PA only. New customers only. Restrictions apply. See DraftKings.com. Splash Sportsbook for details. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if this guy kept talking, if somebody was like listening and prompting the next question, he would end up in tears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool and not cool at the same time. Cause I, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you doing putting weights on your junk? What the fuck is wrong with you? What is this supposed to achieve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever that was gonna hit him up. It's funny when you see, uh, yeaah. I like, I like looking at guys like this, their handle, you know. 1946, Tony Walton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that, how many women out there would be like, nice work. I'd like to see what that's like. All of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, maybe Top Dog has a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you couldn't get, you couldn't get me to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much to eat one of those? I'll be, I'll, I'll be reasonable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, like, your TikToks a lot of times give me so much anxiety, uhm, that like when I see one like this, I'm like, uh, and then I'm like, uh, like I breathe after, I'm like, that was nice. This is the monkey. Cause your fucking Instagram stories are a ride. Like sometimes it's really sad and really fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome. I could watch this forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for people that are just listening, what it is, is it's a, it's a language coach instructor to somebody, I guess that's Mandarin or Cantonese. I don't know if it's Mandarin, but I, you know, uh, I think it's, I think it's Mandarin and he's with a student. So he speaks perfect English and Mandarin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the student is one saying it like, you know, all as it says out of whack or wacky. Um, but you can tell that they're, everybody does this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's saying English words with an intonation, an accent that is common if you speak Mandarin. Right? Just like if you were to speak...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do it Americanized. Exactly. And then he's like, he's giving her tricks based on what he knows she knows to speak English properly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, she was saying like, she was like, don't uh, she was like, about what uh, and he was like, stop it here. Is it cool? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! And then it's not so much panic inside, not so much sadness inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, let's just say, his faces. You can see the light, no, for somebody listening, it's not a pitch black, it's just that it's so, like, he didn't take into account that the laying down and at this angle, no light hits his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean babe, you think, I mean. Okay, ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, relax. But also, such an inspiration to Chris Larson, I think too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we need Chris in shorts. Yeah. Chris Larson has to wear shorts next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a bidet at home? There is one that kind of spritz water. How often do you do that? Oh, every time. Really? Every time? You guys are talking a lot about shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, it's exciting to be here and I look at you guys as this couple that are doing this together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When's, I guess my first question is, when's the divorce? When's that happening? Like that's, it's one of those things where you love each other because you appreciate each other's talents, but you know, it reaches a time where you're like, you know what, we should probably get divorced or I'm gonna murder you. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worked, uh, on a show with my wife. She's an amazing, brilliant person, but, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was hard. It's, it's taxing on a relationship. Every day Jim. But what's more important, your relationship or the show? Obviously the show. The show!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, you know, it's just, it's a strange navigation through this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, you've got two young kids. You realize it's gonna get so much harder. Like I just want you to know I have older children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When your children get older, not only, I mean, here's the amazing thing. I have five kids, people assume because I have five kids that I would be good at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is kind of like assuming people with lots of cats are not crazy. Right? Right. I am not good at it and I'm starting to think that I don't think that we as parents have any influence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how many times have you told your kids to sit at the table properly? It doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, and I think that's the great bet of being a parent. It's like, there is a possibility that you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be the only one. That graduates? That could be the only one that graduates. I hope not. Yeah. Remember when you were a kid and you'd hear about like people having kids, uh, and the kids were crazy and you're like, wow, they just must suck at parenting. Now I know it's like, I don't think it matters. I don't think we have any control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, there's a good amount of, like, when I use the bathroom, like, my wife thinks I'm in there, like, reading, looking at my phone. I'm in there cleaning up. It's like, it's a lot of work that's going on after I use the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you have to blame Tom. Oh yeaah. Do you have a bidet at home? Uh, I have, there is one that kind of, uh, spritz water. How often do you do that? Oh, every time. Really? Every time? You guys are talking a lot about shitting. But, no, but, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so like, I look at you guys, you guys seem very healthy. Like, during the pandemic, I was pretty healthy, I lost a lot of weight, finally I gained it back. Congratulations. But, it really depends on the healthy living thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After coffee. That's mine too. Right. Usually, usually I'll have two a day. Two a day. Yea, usually. And, and, uh, Christina. One a day. I wake up, I drink my coffee. Like a lady, I might add.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kind of a wild card. I'm a wild card. Uh, it depends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It depends when, how healthy I'm eating. Like if I'm eating healthy, which I've done like maybe once in the past 30 years. No, but like during the pandemic, I was like only in the morning and I was like, this is so weird. But that's when I wasn't eating bread and I was off sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it depends, also, I'm, it depends where I drop. That's how, on the street, that's how we call it. That's what you call it. The, I will drop, it depends if there's, first of all, it's, you know, where I'm going. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in our kind of office area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I live in an apartment in New York City, so there's not really, I'm usually if I'm going to drop, I don't want, I don't want anyone. It's like Chernobyl. I don't want anyone around. I don't want to like damage the foliage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a certain area. So uhm, but yeaah, so in our, our master, uh, bedroom we have that. We have a version of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it's not, I talk a little bit about it in Comedy Monster about how, uh, going to the bathroom, like the reason I do a clean up job is because if you don't do a clean up job,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in Minneapolis. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, Minneapolis. Yeah. It's a great comedy town. Oh my gosh. Great comedy town. Right? Yes. And, uh, yeah, it was, I mean, it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you know, but it's like the pandemic has been rough to Minneapolis. Yeah. It's like we, you know, I got done. I went out with my manager and my agent and there's like not much open. Really? Yeah. Which was sad. Cause that's a great city. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love going to these, uh, different small towns, uh, on a bus tour. It's, they'll surprise you. I mean, sometimes you're just like, wow, I can't believe you guys haven't killed yourself. But then there's a lot of towns that there's a unique charm and you really get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've got stuff coming up in February, cause I had to, I'm sure you guys had to, I had to reschedule everything like three times, so my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourth quarter or, you know, uh, November and October and December were insane. I was like gone constantly. So, I intentionally didn't do anything during January. And uhm, then I have some, I start up more or less in March.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, she's an old soul. Like she is, uh, she's the most mature in the family. Like if you look at it, like you guys have a three and a six year old. There's going to come a point where it's like, you're like, oh, one of these kids, this is the, this is the adult of the group because we're comedians. We're eccentric folks. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, yeaah, she's kind of, uh, a mature old soul, like she does not, she's, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's been a shift, right? There's a generational shift where I almost feel as though, uhm, some of the social justice stuff is their alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think they have their own kind of fun. It's like, you know, touring colleges, it's like, it's just, it's a different kind of thing. But then again, we, you know, like, look,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're like, uh, I don't know. I don't talk to them. No, their version of fun is, no, she's in the musicals. They write songs. They sit at the piano. It's like they're from the 1830s. They sit at the piano and play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's just, I don't know if he has the energy to do that. What if I just ripped into all my kids during the whole contest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you feel, uh, uh, responsibility to not talk about your kids? Like, individually? Obviously, I understand that what you guys do, it's like, you guys fully embrace the fact that you're parents, but do you sit there and go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie. No, it is, it is this strange thing, cause I do think that I appreciate both sides of it, but I do love


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people are like, I'm, I would never expose my children to any of this stuff. I'm like, you have stand up about eating ass. So like there is like, there is a slippery slope.


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[Assistant] No, but like, they're filthy. I mean, they're, you know, the boys are filthy. Like, they just...


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[Assistant] The idea of flushing a toilet is just never crossed their mind. Yea, that's crazy, right?


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[Assistant] I'm like that's, I would think black people would be like, uh, I'm angry about that. I'd like to vote. So I'm going to do something about it, but.


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[Assistant] So like, I think that's gonna be an issue, right? Right, probably. And I think when people do not have representation, the people are gonna be kinda pissed, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, right? Or is it gonna be fine? And, you know, like, the global warming, it doesn't feel like, eh, I don't know. I think it's kinda like, game's over. It's not real.


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[Assistant] It's almost like people would storm the capital. It's like, I bet you in our lifetime, what if I didn't know that? What if our lifetime there would be like political supporters of one party would just take over the capital?


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[Assistant] You know what's weird? From my perspective, the weird thing about having lived through 9-11 and having caused it, uhm, is that


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[Assistant] I remember when 9-11 happened and Bush was, like, everyone looked at W and we were like, uh, uh-oh, he's not the right guy for the job. And I thought that, and everyone was like, oh, okay, like he's,


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[Assistant] I'm not saying he's dumb, I'm not, he's just probably not the right person we should have in there, have in there. And then like, what we took from that is nothing. Like nothing, it's just like, it doesn't matter.


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[Assistant] Well, you know, it's like those people that were in student council, you're like, they seem sincere. Yeah. Right? Yeah. They wanted to do that. But then you realize. You really want to be class president? Go ahead.


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[Assistant] What are we gonna do? What? Alright, so let's talk about your comedy goals. Okay. There's nothing more rewarding.


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[Assistant] You go, hey, uhm, we're gonna, we're gonna keep riding this. And you know, you, as parents, you have to make the, the, the best decision at that moment. It's just like, people are like, is there a plan? And you're like, yeah, there's kind of a plan.


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[Assistant] But, uh, it's, it's hard with stand up, right? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm also like, do you sit there and you go, I'm only, like I did this where I was like, I'm only touring for two weeks, two weekends a month. Do you guys do that? That's what I do.


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[Assistant] Yes. And do you guys, cause you know, I did shows in Florida with my family. And I've talked to other comedians about this. And uhm, they're like,


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[Assistant] You know, like the parenting responsibility, it's like any job and parenting is difficult. Like when they talk about bringing your kids to work day,


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[Assistant] It's a real bad idea for a parent. It's like, if you want to get anything done, it work. So like, do you guys, so like,


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[Assistant] And you have to adjust constantly. You have to sit there and go, alright, we've bit off too much. Alright, this is, this is not as creatively fulfilling. I have to, I have to do more stand up. You know what I mean? So it's just this, it's just, uh, life is annoying.


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[Assistant] Well, it's a different, it's a different thing. I mean, I, you know, I did like, I had this run in Seattle of like five days and it's,


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[Assistant] It's why, I think it's why people play golf. I think people don't even like golf. I think they're just like, I gotta get out.


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[Assistant] They're just hanging out, trying to, and then they get their steps in.


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[Assistant] It's, you know, it's ongoing, it's ever shifting, now she's kind of working on, uh, I mean it's crazy, but like, so she wrote this book, she had a brain tumor, she wrote a book, and now there's talk of like possibly turning it into a musical?


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[Assistant] And so it's like, there's, she was approached, so there's that. She's also doing, um.


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[Assistant] Uh, she started this organization with my teenagers called the Imagine Society. Like, by the way, during the pandemic,


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[Assistant] We were like, essentially just doing fundraising things, cause we were with our kids, and we were like, alright, you guys are gonna work.


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[Assistant] Even if it's virtually, so we did this, always kind of these volunteer things, and it's because you don't want your kids to be douchebagged. That's right. And uhm, cause kids are inherently douchebags, you have to undouchebag them. To civilize the savages. Undouche them. Undouche them.


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[Assistant] By the way, I don't know. No, but I think it's, well, my wife is, uh, these organizations. It's just.


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[Assistant] You know, it's like, look, as comedians, we're children too, right? So it's like getting, uh, ourselves to stop thinking of ourselves. And so I think that's some of the volunteer stuff that we do. You know what I mean? So it's...


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[Assistant] It's that and, uh, you know, but I think the creative process is pretty important. I wish I could give my children, uhm, I enjoy work. You know, I want to give them that and I don't know how.


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[Assistant] That was like you deliver flowers, you deliver medications, but you're just running. You know, it's like you and some 70 year old lady. And so there were, it was a good hang.


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[Assistant] I always imagine your parents, like, so your parents were Hungarian, so like, like it's this, in this movie, and then people show up and they arrest your dad for being like a prison guard in Auschwitz. That could definitely. That could, yeah, that's not too far off. It is, and then your dad's like, don't tell that, don't.


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[Assistant] It's different when they explain it. They're great.


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[Assistant] But the Hungarians themselves, uh, demographically were like, the real Hungarians were wiped out by the Huns. The Huns, that's right. They're a mix, a fragment of a lot of people, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah I think so. That language is wild. I know.


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[Assistant] I did that finding your roots thing, and essentially my ancestors, both sides, my mom's and my dad's sides, because they were Catholic, they were just like, torture. Isn't that amazing? That's so weird. I mean, it's nothing compared to slavery or what your dad did to Lucy Kay's dad.


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[Assistant] And they, they tarred and feathered a priest there. So they were like, let's get out of here. They went to the most western part.


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[Assistant] of the, uh, where Americans were settled, which was called Iowa. And then my, uh, father's side, they, uh, they did research and they were coal miners and then they


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[Assistant] You did that. That's cool. That's a cool show. That's what Trump is protecting. Yeah. I'm joking. Jim, don't talk about that. We don't talk about that stuff on our show. Do it. You don't mind. So what would you say the viewer or the listener of this show is like?


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[Assistant] And I'm about to give you your home address. What would you say they're like? Are they usually parents?


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[Assistant] Is there one international country, you know, cause I love doing international shows and I'm so jealous that you speak Spanish. Oh, I started to do that. I know, I love that, that's so brilliant. But like, is there one international, you're like, oh my god, we're huge in England. In Canada.


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[Assistant] No, I'm doing a show in March there, so I'm super excited. So you guys can literally, maybe you've already done this and I don't know, you can take the boys, you can go to Australia for a month.


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[Assistant] I could do that too, right? Well, I don't know if I, I mean, I don't know if I'd be able to, I mean, I've done it, but it's not like I would make money doing it. You could go do shows. I've done shows, but it's not like, like you guys could go there and you could make money doing it.


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[Assistant] I mean, I love doing international shows, I don't see it as like...


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[Assistant] But you know, no, like when I do shows in Australia, I mean, first of all, it costs a million dollars to fly there. And so, uh, but you know, like I might sell, uh, you know, one or two nights in Sydney and, uh, but not like I'm


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[Assistant] Covering the cost of seven flights to Australia. But I've done it just so that I can have the experience.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know how you're gonna, there isn't one of my kids that I would give up. That's good. That's nice. That's one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. No, the weird thing is, is like when my wife was having the fifth, there was part of me that's like, are we ever gonna stop? And then he came out.


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[Assistant] And he looked exactly like me, and I'm like, alright, I like him. You know what I mean? Cause it's just ego. Dear boys, do they look like Tom? One of them. One of them does. We have one of each. And one of them's black. Yes. That's weird. So weird.


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[Assistant] No, it's like, I love saying it because I see the fear in Tom's eyes, and believe me, it's worse than you think it's gonna be.


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[Assistant] No, it's just, it's just, it's a lot of stress. What people don't realize is when you become a parent, you sign on for a level of anxiety. Yeaah, it's unparalleled. You never shake. Yeaah. Really.


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[Assistant] I went, you know, during the, during the year, I went a year and a half without french fries. And it's like, I just didn't eat french fries. And it's, but you weren't like, I'm not doing fries. I, well, yeah, I was. I'm not, it's not like I just, I never came across them. I have kids, they're constantly in front of me.


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[Assistant] I would say, uh, Saint Agour's creamy blue. It's amazing. It is the best thing. Are you into the blue cheese? No, it's my least favorite.


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[Assistant] But I did, uh, yeaah, and so like, but also, it's such high elevation that there's the coca plants and the tea.


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[Assistant] They do. They grow it. They grow it, and I think they put it in tea so that you don't get sick. There's your cooked guinea pig.


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[Assistant] I like spice. I, you know, like I did the hot wings. How far did you get on hot wings? I did it. You did it all the way? Yea, yea.