[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember like distinctly, I was like, hey, you know, there's blood mist in this one too. He's like, actually there isn't cause it's not the propeller blade that's hitting the guy's head. It's something else that's getting hit. Look, man, it's not the blade that's doing it. Like, like that was supposed to ease me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Christina, why don't you weigh in on if you think this guy is okay or not? Sure. Can you make it big? Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm blowing it up, Tom, and uhm, you tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's funny cause he's alive? Or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like asking what's the purpose of life. Right. Yeah. We actually have a sizzle package, uh, to explain it entirely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, I actually think that the camera missed it. Can you show us again? What you just did during that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I realized when you asked me what I did this week and I was like, oh, you know, I just kind of like passed out and didn't, like I did absolutely nothing, put out some tires over here, but then I realized I had a Pajitski effect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, whenever something in my apartment breaks that's bigger than can fit in a trash can, I'm optimistic that I'll be able to fix it later. Okay. So I just set it aside and I put it somewhere. And then I've accumulated now like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, like one or two gaming chairs, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a, it's just a chair that looks like it belongs in a race car. But it's real, it's real stupid. But it, like, I broke it, like, I mean, I got the cheapest one I could get, and it broke immediately. And I'm like, no, no, no, it just needs new wheels or something. I'll just put it aside till I get new wheels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I accumulate like a couple of those different things. Like I have a broken iMac that's been broken for three weeks, like three years, just on my desk. So this week I was just like, wait a second. I could just throw this shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And Christina, I have so much room in my apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you threw shit out. Cause I threw out things that are broken that I'll never use again. I was like, oh, that's what, that's what happens. Space is like, I was literally to get to my kitchen, Christina, I'd have to like high step over something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, yeaah, she looks a little too loosey goosey to be on the map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this girl actually is a carbon copy of Eni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? This is his attitude towards everything. He's like, fuck you, I'm not fucked. This is just what I'm like, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now that you hear the comparison, maybe let's watch it again and see if you can feel any in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, and no, I think if she's showing signs of stuff that I can't understand, like if it's, I need X to get off, and I can't get my head around X at all, that's weird, I don't wanna, I don't wanna get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so she just needs this to not get hard, she just needs this all the time. Makes her feel nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am involved in the blood bag because I'm being asked about it. So there is some sort of involvement if I'm be okay with it. I mean the answer is no and I feel like you guys are trying to pressure me, uh, force me into a corner that I'm not comfortable with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the argument was, if a girl that is the girl of your dreams


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said, hey, before we get into it, I need you to squash a bug with your bare foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone around me's answer was like, yeah, no problem. I'll kill that bug with my barefoot. And I was the only one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might be, I guess I'm not like as hip as these Gen Zers out here, but- You're so uninclusive. No, but here's the thing, what am I finding out about this Squish fetish? On date one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't, I mean, look, I can't, like I said, I can't wrap my head around it. I don't want to understand it. I'm out. And for that reason, sharks, I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but, okay, if someone approaches you and is just like, hey, Christina, hey, Christina, every time, right before we make love, I need to just cut off a sliver of your pink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so as long as you're not the one getting hurt. Alright, Christina, I need you to sliver off a pinky of all the closest relatives. What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of colorblind R-words that can't see a red flag when they fucking see it. It's right in front of your eyes, like, oh is it okay if I have this bag of fake blood around my neck? You're like, yeah, no problem, let's go fuck in the next room. No, they're not fucking anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you weren't like that back then. Like, okay, so you were a goth chick dating a goth dude? Wild Christina! What wild limits you have! What crazy boundaries!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I just don't think I've been, uh, uh, exposed to these types of obstacles in the women that I choose. You're gonna die alone. You need to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it's like you guys thought Chris was the moral compass, but yeaah. Hold on, yeaah. Hey, hey Chris, what do you think of all this crazy shit? Would you kill animals before you die?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, but here's what's happening, Christine. All right. Yeah, native. It's, it's, it's not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then if you don't require bugs to be squished in relationships, say that you're down for whatever. It's not whether I'm retarded or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want nudes. I don't give out gift cards. I want conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm joining you from the recovery center that I'm at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, this didn't happen during basketball. And I'm like, yeah it did. And they're like, come on. What did you really do? I'm like, you think my cover story is just basketball? Like that's what I would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of it just takes time to heal. Uhm, I think the first time I'll be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In studio will be for the New Year's Eve live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, that'll be the first time that I walk in the building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then I should be able to go in. I don't know if like I'll have to, uhm, I might have to sit on like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something that they tell you, they go, uh, you have to generate tremendous force to do it. And I was like, well, I'm pretty strong. So there's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I snapped my left humerus, which is the upper arm in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Radial nerve damage. Not damage. It's, I shouldn't say, it's not damaged, it's not severed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like traumatized by the injury. So it just takes a while to, um, for it to kind of kick back on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have limited mobility. I have limited mobility for like, I mean, I have to walk with assistance. Like, I don't need a person, I just need an apparatus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first thing the surgeon, so the surgeon came in and he goes, what hand do you jack off with? And I go, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, you know, I'm ambidextrous, but like I prefer my right. And he goes, Oh God. Okay. Good. Um, so yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't be misled by any of his comments or posts or jokes. He fucking sucks. I love him, but he sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had the fucking audacity to say that he, he's like, I'm 2-0, I won. He is such garb. Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, all you do, I'm a little more mobile now, all you do is lay down. You know, like now I'm moving, and all you do is like, drink water, you know, sometimes Gatorade, uhm, I introduced coffee a couple days ago, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had, I've had the nurses here, they're like, you're like a peeing machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, yeah, but I'm drinking fucking two gallons of fluid a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so yeah, you just have these, uh, you know, these are everywhere. Uhm. Yeah, show us your pee, your piss spots. These bad boys. And you just, uh, you just whip your dick out and piss. Uhm, and I gotta tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in. I'm not stopping this once I'm better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All sense of modesty. Every nurse, every staffer has seen my dick, my balls. They've seen, touched, fingered and wiped my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some funny things have happened with my dick. So, so I'm in the hospital, right? I'm in the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they give, I, I, I'm there on a Wednesday, they're doing surgery Friday. And like, I remember Saturday, I was like, hey, how come my dick's not small? Like usually when I'm in like medical situations, my dick will like creep up inside of me and I'll be like, where's my dick? I'm sitting there like pulling it out, holding onto it, sticking it in the urinal. And every time I reached down, it's kind of like, it's not hard. It's just like fluffy and full. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on, you know? So anyways, then I come over here and my dick has been more like, you know, like checking out the situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's going a little more like, uh, like a little more retracting. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it's, it's back to what I am used to in medical situations, which is like, you're like, Hey man, like we're about to do something. Could you show up and like wake up a little bit? Cause it's been like really retracting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the reason it was full and fluffy was because of all the heroin I was on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to ask any opiate addicts if their dicks are nice and full to listen to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on so many drugs, and now I'm not. Now I uhm, I'm not on Dilaudid, I'm not on Oxy, I'm on these fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, the prettier people are here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm using this walker and like I'm three quarters of the way there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, um, I'm like, oh my God, I don't want it to like cramp so hard because you know, when you really cramp, you can kind of overreact and then fall. I don't want to fall. So I always get the chair, put me in a chair that wheeled me a few more feet. I get back up. They had put a commode with handles over the toilet. And this is so you don't have to sit all the way down the toilet. The commode seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is for like, a normal sized person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like let's just say 160 pound male or something. I don't know. So when you're a man and you sit on a toilet, your junk sits inside the seat, right? This seat is so small that it's not even an option. My junk is outside of it. But when you're seated, you're seated and like you're,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your butt's down and your junk's up. Your dick will naturally just start sinking into your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That my dick has nowhere to go, and one of the nurses, one of your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the other day when I went to do that, I couldn't find the urinal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was able to, I was able to wipe my ass, like I scoot, cause I couldn't wipe my ass for like 10 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're just like, it's okay. Like, it's okay. It's just, uh, we'll just get you back to bed. And then I go, well, here's the thing. I tried to clean up. Cause there's, I just pissed all over the place. And I get back here and I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I'd piss someone on my shorts, I'd take my shorts off. So now I'm naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the nurse is like, well, let me clean you. And she's like, there's little pieces of paper all over your genitals. And I'm like, yeah, I tried to clean the pee up. And she's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is day three of taking a natural shit, thank you God. At first you don't understand, I was getting, I was getting the good shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the hour, they were like, are you a pen? I was like, yup, 10, full 10, most pain I've ever felt. And they were just like, give him another jab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just jabbing me in the arm, fucking pill after pill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you have that's stronger? And they're like nothing. This is just the top of the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a lot, it was a lot, it was a lot. He, uhm, yeaah, so you can't shit for uhm, those narcotics really, you know, they, they stop you up. So the first time I got injured on a Tuesday,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I didn't shit Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then I was like, Hey, I'm getting worried. Cause I heard like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're giving me pills, nothing's working. So like, we're going to give you a suppository. And I was like, okay. So they get me to stand up, bend over, put it in there. And they're like, you know, they're like, let it sit there for a while to work. Dude, I sat there for like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I finally went, it was such a disaster. Uhm, I mean, it was just, you know what it looked like? You know that it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one of the nurses was like, hey, thank God we have to wear these COVID masks. I was like, yeah, lucky you. So then I, uh, then there was a second time, um, here, twice here, twice here nurses had to put


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, suppositories, and they put their fingers all the way up your ass. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breaks down the hot stuff and it also makes you go, fuck these pain pills, I just want to shit again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's kind of weird, but I also remember everything so, so specifically that when I see it, I'm like, oh yeah, like I remember, I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember every detail, you know, so, it's just, it was just, it was, it's, the one thing I can just tell you is that it is a freak accident, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bird and Leanne are angels. I love them to death. Bird's the best friend in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the best, you're the best wife I could ever ask for. And, you know, the, uh, yeah, when you have something like this happen, you really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you appreciate a whole bunch of things, you know, like in your life, but like, I'm so grateful to the medical community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you a little, I'll give you a little teaser about the injury though. Uh, I, I, I told the surgeon, I go, I have it on video. He was like, what? You have it on video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I tell them, you know, what we were doing. I go, yeah. And so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He comes to check on me one day in the hospital. I go, I got a little something for you, man. And I show it to him and he goes, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I never want to see that again. I'm sure you don't. I go, wait a minute. You're jumping at that? You, you're a trauma surgeon. He's like, that's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'll get into it more, you know, when I'm back doing Two Bears and the live show. Absolute greatest. Lindsay, who works with us now, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the greatest guy to help me so much. And uhm, I just, I just really appreciate them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like, do you feel like you guys were the Bulls and Jordan has decided to go play baseball for like a season or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just like, I'm coming to check on you. You're spending time with me. You brought me, I don't know, something to eat or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, you know, I just had surgery. I'm going to a rehab center and you're just like, we'll get through this, babe. And then you're like, did my tooth just break? And I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit. This is a lot recovered. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I broke it on the 1st, December 1st, and we're recording this on the 14th. So it's two weeks. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You went, ah, aha! You had a breakthrough thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good theory. You might, you might want to try it. I actually had one time I, during this whole ordeal, I was sitting in bed and I was like, thank God this happened to me. I was like, if this had happened to my wife or one of my kids,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, but I also don't think that you would, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna break your fucking arm when I get home, and you tell me what hurts worst, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can? I just like, I go, no, just knowing where I was, and we tried, they put it in there and I was like, it's just not happening, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have the, I have the double whammy cause it's both on the left side. So that was, I had this fucking guy at the hospital. A lot of people were great. This one guy was like, they had given me and I was like, all right, I'm going to go. He's like, all right, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, I don't have like, I don't, at the time I couldn't like lean, you know? Like I, how am I supposed to lean to the left? And I, I couldn't reach underneath and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I need you and you're a fucking nurse, so how about you help out? And he was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I was like, I'm not showing you somebody's head getting cut off. It was just a high velocity impact that knocked a guy out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very reliable authority that he is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mocking it, laughing at it, whatever you feel about it, I have zero, uhm, feelings about, you know, restricting that. Like, have fun with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the second thing is that you can tell that something looks like snow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, snow ice particles are what hit the blade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I sent him down, and I think he's 100% fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you going to actually, are you going to go out or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta say, I just gotta say as somebody in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a wonderful marketing video. That is like, that is top of the line. Like if you want to promote something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't get the Vamo. Just go ahead and give me your credit card info.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, sure. Sorry, guys. And then I got one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she definitely heard me say, hell yea, a bunch of panties are wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the one where I did an impression if you swipe, it's his. And at the 13th second mark he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What that guy needs to do is exactly this. Hey, how's it going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when women show them to me, particularly in a t-shirt with no bra. If you're game and you want to show me your big old tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care what you do. If you want to dance or make it funny, make it sexy. The whole point is I'm trying to get off here. Okay. Yeah. Don't not under the guise of like, you know what I love? The dance competitions, you know, like you just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you, can you tap dance? Make me a video. No. I like tits. That's what you guys should say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want him to make, like, my wish is that he goes, hey, I just scratched all that shit before. I just want to be direct with you. I'm trying to fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing. That's a perfect segue into another video of his. I don't know if you have it queued up, but he would like to take somebody out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's reasonable. I also think just as a natural precaution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might want to put it out till after the vaccines have been distributed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a bunch of cool ropes and I want to show you what I can do with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think actually, I'll tell you this, I think the thing would be very nice to have. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually think he would, I think he might be able to play natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too. Like not act. I think he can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when we saw Gresley Mann in theater, and uhm, in the theater we saw it, and there was a, we've told this story before, but the guy, what is his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made the documentary, when Treadwell would go, he'd get dropped off in Alaska to live with bears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like seasons, like an entire season when he got to know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Bear Swords, it's a fantastic documentary, but there's this one scene where they, Timothy's already dead obviously when they make it, and they're playing all this footage and they talk to a helicopter pilot I think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop him off in this reserve that is just full of bears. And we're in the theater. It's, it's a, you know, there's a serious tone to the documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy goes, I mean, I told him, I go, well, that's just, that's bear country. And he's like, yeah, that's where I want you to drop me off. And the guy goes, I mean, I thought he was retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when we started to laugh at like, the same wrong stuff, I was like, this is what you look for in a partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Red Band was producing the show for us, to take it over yourself,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little overwhelming because I realized that like, I felt like the tech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was on me, and I didn't have that background, so I was like, I hope we can pull this off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike do the recordings and all, and I was like, uh, you know, that felt like an obstacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every time we've moved, you always feel that kind of weight as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When my dad got sick, that was tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, that was definitely tough. And uhm, and then like career wise, it was really tough to, every time we do something,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of that, like, you know, I'm going on tour to Europe or I'm shooting a movie in Atlanta. You start to go like, like you start pre-planning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all the, the booked show, like the, you know, banked episodes, that's always a struggle too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've never done the thing where you go, well like, we're gonna do this thing for a few weeks, please do the show and we get back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this teaches you that life is so fragile. To do it as soon as you get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we're living in an apartment, it's like you're leaving for the day as you're like, I'm leaving, I'll be back later mommy. That evolved into mommy jeans, and then that evolved into dropping mommy and just saying, jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we started to say basically that that person's got it going on, like that guy is living life the right way. When you do something stupid or embarrassing, it's cause your genes are low and loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sent me, you sent me a personal batch the other day. You had a couple that had me in tears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thinks that TikTok is a meet people app. Like, tell me about yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has no idea what TikTok is for. And he literally was like, I like people. Here's my phone number. There's no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever did this, like, I don't know what they did in the, like, he's not really showing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's dope. I mean, he's got style. That's expressing yourself. That's flavor. I mean, yeah, he, uh, sounds like he got a little white folks in him too. The way he's talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, human beings are, like even, I'll tell you, like even myself in the last two weeks, you find how adaptable you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To like do things and, you know, like the way that you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've figured out a way that I need to sit up and stand and how I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Need to do just any number of things and you realize that like these guys are enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. It was fun to do this with you guys. Hope you guys are well. Uh, thank everybody for, I got literally, you know, thousands of messages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From people wishing me well, so I appreciate that from all the fans that listen in support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeah, I can't wait to get back. Love you guys and I'll see you soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to send a little love through Venmo for me being the creator that I am. Alright, I'll post my Venmo. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel like we're sitting in the coolest lounge somewhere in LA drinking martinis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wish they would play this in a really fancy hotel in LA and everybody's like, wait, why is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As the kids say around here, that song fucks. Is that what you guys say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you! I'm so excited to be doing the Addison Improv. There's only a handful of tickets left on the Late Show Thursday on the 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of February and then I go to Houston, AKA Pustin at the Pustin Improv on February 25th through 27th. Again, tickets are limited and then Zany's in Nashville, March 11th through 13th. Tickets at Christina P online. I'm so excited and amazed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, check out where my mom's at too. A lot of good guests, a lot of good topics. If you're a parent, even if you're not, it's a super fun show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now you got your DT, your dick touches, cause your wife resurrected your peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And don't you feel better now that you don't have any cum in those balls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is such a mood today. I think it started with Reveille.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you look up Google Nadav, um, the original Swastika? I know it's an, isn't it a Native American symbol? Maybe it's called something like the tikka. I think it's Hindi? Or something, yea, maybe Hindi or something, I don't freaking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Tom, why come he can't just say the thing. Yeaah. Do the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Hitler, kind of a menace that really took on last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've seen documentaries, dad. Yea, we've all seen the docu- the documentaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like a whole new- it's like the Wizard of Oz when it switches from black and white to color. Now they're really stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and my dad would always have like the World War 2 house on Giribaldi Street and, you know, those thick like WW2 books in the shitter. They read them for years. They love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna read the story. But I can't imagine revisiting this, the 2020. I wanna bury it, I don't wanna hear the word, I don't wanna hear it ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I'm content never speaking of it ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are not- I mean, you're very happy there. Again, I don't ever see you that joyful in our private life. So that's kinda neat to see you happy. And you look really good. Thanks. The blue jacket looks really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but were you set up, were you taken aback at how, uhm, how he was? Like, his degeneration?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really getting nervous about age and mortality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that we watched a documentary about the villages in Florida? Uhm, the old people place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're gonna die before me, and so what am I gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true, that's, that's, I'm very familiar with this personality type. Yeah. Let's just say I grew up very intimately with this personality. Yeah. It's like they, uh, they so desperately yearn for someone to care for them, and then when that person comes along they hate them. Yeah. Resent them, and then it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I, what depresses me is when they are like, well I had a husband, he died a year and a half ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How they grew up, how the places looked, so they'll make, they make the actual physical spaces look as though they're in the 1950s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, that's cool, I hope they do that for Gen X. You know what I'm saying? Like by the time I'm on there, they'll just play like MTV, like old MTV and Cyndi Lauper and Prince everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was thinking that and then I could just hook up with younger dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that'll be fine. Cause they won't die on me, like you're gonna die. And then I'll go with my girlfriends and then we'll-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we had this discussion in bed the other day when you were like, running a new...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were like, what are you talking about? What are you, like, you were genuinely dumbfounded as to why an A-lister actress wouldn't want to record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not disagreeing with you, I think it's really funny. I'm just saying you're gonna have a really hard time casting A-lister people to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bit, it's weird and violent, like for instance when we did the last, the YMH Live where we did sketches, would you like to pitch some of the ideas you had originally? Yeah. That Lindsay, okay go ahead, just go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that nobody, no reputable casting people would even look at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, but do you understand what about that might be too much? What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, do you think for a second that maybe it was too violent and that maybe somebody doesn't want to be associated with that kind of content? I guess so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's a reason I was cast to play the woman in that sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not an actor, but I did it because I'm the only woman we could find who is dumb enough


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm stupid and I don't care because I don't want to act in Hollywood. It's fine. I don't care. I just want to be a stand up comedian dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny is that I've been carrying this memory for 15 years and every time I think should I tell Tom this memory I'm like well no I don't want to hurt his feelings but I feel as though you and I are solid that I can tell you the memory and it's fine. So, back when we were baby comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you were just at the, you were in the belly room, so we weren't, you know, past the comedy sort, we were just doing the side rooms, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being in the back of the room, and I had a boyfriend at the time, I wasn't like, looking at you sexually, but I was like, TomSka girl is really attractive, I really, I wonder what kind of a person this guy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a one night stand and then don't shower so that you let the stink stay on you for a few extra days. And I remember being like, I'm outta here. Like I immediately was just like, this guy's a fucking animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who first of all admits to that? Like that is so nasty. He's so nasty. And secondly, I didn't, I wasn't, I'm not a one night stand gal. I just, I just can't. And so that, I was like, gosh, if I ever would want to date him, I wouldn't because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a one night stand kind of guy and that's not, I'm not interested in that dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I was, then I thought about it, and I'm like, that's kinda cool that he shared that thought, like that's really creative, and really creative risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I liked you because you took a risk. Creatively. But personally I was like I would never date that guy. I would never date that guy. Cause flash forward to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the guy I was dating at the time, he had just I think passed his bar exam. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we took him to a strip club and I was like, well, let's get my boyfriend a lap dance. Cause at the time we were on the outs and I was like, I don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be done soon. And I asked the guys we were with, Ryan and Matt Fulshawn, Hey, which stripper should I choose to give my boyfriend a laugh dance? And they go, Ask Tommy. Ask Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, this guy's a fuckin' red flags, like in terms of some guy I would never date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like me. Like, first of all, you got me in my twenties when I was, the wires were crossed, let's just say. Mama had some damage. Like, my dad is a narcissistic alcoholic. My stepfather was a sociopathic criminal. So, my male guidelines were pretty loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, a guy who just showed up, had a car, didn't drink, gamble, do drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know that you've really turned into quite a great husband and father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pig, pig slut tits, come here hooker. You know, you're always demeaning me. And I'm like, in the beginning of the relationship, you used to call me like, booboo chicken, or sweetheart, or just anything nice and 15 years deep, and it's all insult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come here, you know what you say to me? Come here you big titted animal. That's literally what you say to me when you want to make marital love to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come here you big titted animal. And then you fart on me all the time, and you piss on me in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely not. Call your friends that you went to college with and tell them to pitch the sketch to me that you pitched to me the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's why it passes. Yeah. But then I was saying that you too tolerate a lot of my disgusting habits because every boyfriend before you was not cool with my farts. I'm there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying you're over it? Is this the end of the road with us? No! You're not gonna make me be a lady, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, no, you can't do this to me. Are you being serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, I can't- Could you realize how much I had to stop being myself when I was with those guys though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did not let me fart and stuff, and talk about my shits, I hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you guys know, I'm hitting the road again, and my favorite part about traveling is time on an airplane to play Best Fiends. Yeah, cause I don't need to be connected to the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so silly. And I like the level of like play. It's not so hard that I'm just like, Oh God, I can't do this. Cause usually I'm tired when I'm traveling. So it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's over 100 million downloads. It's a five star rated mobile puzzle game. It is a must play. Seriously, once you download it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best fiends boredom won't stand a chance. So here's what you're going to do. Download best fiends free today on the Apple app store or Google play. That's friends without the R best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I'm so proud of you. Should we do a big YMH debut? Oh, that's lovely. What brand is this called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, before we get into dates, I would love to give Nadav proper credit. Should we debut his new Chompers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and people wonder why celebrities go nuts with the facial stuff with the surgeries. It's because you constantly get that kind of feedback and you're always looking at yourself and it's really easy to go down a rabbit hole, but this was such a needed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank for you. Look at those chompers. They look beautiful. You've got really nice teeth. And they were just buried under shades of yellow and now they're so much nicer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought for a minute that I had, uhm, insulted somebody and I was going, I'd gone viral in a bad way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is, Tom? I think it's that he has to be so deeply connected to every statement


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He makes, he can't just be like, yeah, I just want to perform it, you know, at the inauguration. And he's like, my daddy, my brother, my uncle died in Nagasaki. Nobody, what are you doing? Just to fucking sing the song and shut up. That's your job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh sorry. It's still too dark, whoever dyed it there. It's real thin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. Yeah, that's what it looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you like how it looks? I'm trying to, here's the thing, instinctively, I don't think it looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's Zolo? Let Zolo fucking look. He's young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now he has that. That looks better. That looks much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's kind of what, that looks like that's what Garth went for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That looks great too. God, it's such a difference, isn't it? That's banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's just for black guys? There's Erlacher, right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, you've got the resources, you may as well. If you, do you have the will though? It's probably intensive. You've always been kind of like, eh, just shave it, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you really are motivated, it's gonna take sessions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what he's doing too is the fat guy beard trim. He's cutting it right there where the chin should be. It's a tough move. You gotta go lower, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Persona, but you can also just clean yourself up and have the right people doing your hair, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think he looks better natural. I'm not digging the dark hair on top. I'm just not. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know, I think you're lucky you have a handsome face and head, like you look great. Mhm. You look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause for many years I've been avoiding the dark side of humanity, that darkness. Cause I'm afraid someone's gonna hurt me if I listen to those things. But then I listen to this podcast, The Apology Line. I am hooked. Cause it goes into the darkness of people that commit bad crimes and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, stuff like that, and then you also find out how it affected him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hearing these people confess things and what his role becomes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you start to really listen to how these guys think, it becomes an interesting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you get to really- the reason I don't like those TV shows is because it's just the gratuitous stuff of like, and then he kills three bodies, and then there's like the bloody photo, but I wanna hear


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why they think like that? What's wrong with them? I'm always like, why? Why? Why? I wanna know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are shows like that where they get to the whys of it and then I want to hear the killer talking. That's what's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't like to stir in the pot the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yikes. But now I'm into the dark side of the forest, so what shows are we gonna be watching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what can we, what can we watch that it profiles the mind of the killer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay, I like that stuff now. I'm into the mind stuff. I got a good one for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, anyway, speaking of darkness and interesting things in the human psyche, we got some feedback from the paramedic!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In April, my hours were cut due to COVID. Because people were so terrified of catching it, they stopped calling us for minor things that they shouldn't be calling an ambulance for anyway. I needed a side hustle, so I Googled how to make extra money online. I came across an article about selling panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And decided to make an account on one of the many panty selling sites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pay a monthly fee to set up an online shop using their platform


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you sell one pair, the membership has paid for itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize how common it is for men to want these used WAP panties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also started selling face masks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is smelling your hoo-ha all day, and only you and him know. So you put a face mask on, I'm assuming like the kind that you peel, uh, you know, that women are always putting on, and then it takes like a mold of your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you meant a face mask, like a collagen one. I'm like, oh that's interesting, I didn't know it would peel off perfectly in the smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is wild. That is wild. Man, that's a whole other business I should be doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have also fulfilled requests for the following. Okay, are you guys ready? This is what else you can buy online from Candy the Paramedic. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saliva! Sold by the ounce. Ugh. Female ejaculate. Feces. Now that's just money in the bank, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, the workout clothing, I suspect is a premium because Lululemon pants are very expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The not wiping thing comes last if you're smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're smart, she writes in parenthesis. If they want skid marks or no wipe after peeing, I do that right before I take them off and vacuum seal them. Vacuum seal them. I love that. I make


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 40k, sorry, I made 40k in 2020 on this alone. My husband thinks it's funny, weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's like not even, we could be selling ours right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many dirtbags out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree that we've all made sacrifices for this show. Nadav shaving his head, whitening his teeth. Potter going to RPC's den. Dr. Drew going to RPC's den. You getting that cool injury just for the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh Zola who goes through all the shit and docking of inner parts and... He makes a strong point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I look forward to our time in Ohio. I think that's where he lives, right? I will come to you because I don't think you should come out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] King, I would love to go out to dinner with you. Treat me like the queen I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know what we're gonna do though. Can you give me an itinerary, an idea of how you're gonna treat me like a lady beforehand? Before I really commit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, King, I do want to go on a date with you, so let's hook it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to make the arrangement. I'd like to wait until it stops snowing in Ohio before I go. Yeah, so let's uhm, you know. April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bruce Krishna would be a good stage name. Bruce Krishna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, I'm a mother of two little boys, and I got this guy right here to feed. And I can't always go to the store, which is why I love butcher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is five, one rack of St. Louis ribs, one pack of bacon, and one pack of pulled pork for free in your first box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a meat that is free of antibiotics and added hormones. Each box has 9 to 11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals. Options like 100% grass-fed and finished beef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now you can get a free rack of St. Louis ribs, one pack of bacon, and one pack of pulled pork in your first box. That's one rack of St. Louis ribs, one pack of bacon, and one pack of pulled pork for free in the first box. Go to ButcherBox.com slash mom. That's ButcherBox.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi jeans, you're back, we're here, we're queer, get used to us. With us today is one of my favorite people, uhm, she has such an impressive resume, you might have seen her on the movie Julia and Julia, which I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allegedly blonde too. Sweet home Alabama. You might know her from such iconic programs as 24.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, Mr. Show? The Larry Sander Show? Mary Lynn Rice Cub, everybody!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I've been telling Tom, like, what am I gonna do when he dies, and I'm gonna move to the villages in Florida. Yeaah. But tell me, what, what, so, how long were you married?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I can't. But you already know who these fools are, because theoretically it's all famous people, so like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a deal, that would be worth the 40 bucks. So now hold on, is it one of those sites where the woman has to initiate contact?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He told you too much about his past or was he too downloady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that's the thing is I didn't put the sexual connection to this. Cause it's a performative


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's really interesting about you, cause you're both a stand up and an actor, is that you're really good at reading emotions and like, you just told the whole story. You know, I don't see all that, I just see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, speaking of, I don't know if you want to make some extra cash, but you can sell your panties online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you gotta sit in the hammock and take a freshie in his mouth. But that's it, otherwise everything is perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you can't go back to the laundromat. You know that, right? You have to choose a new one now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This totally looks like the kind of shit my kid would bring home from school, you know, if they were into that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so used to this degenerate stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I ask you a personal post divorce question? Yes please. Have you broken off that first D?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you imagine? You're like, once I get out of this I'm gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it weird to go back to someone you hadn't been with in like a decade?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the phrase and he goes, hey, look who's not crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think of that joke and that, and you essentially got to kind of experience that scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm in such better health than you. We both got COVID. My COVID was like, done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the deal, I'm gonna outlive you because women outlive men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to be in my 90s, but I think I'm going to outlive you. Definitely. 80s. I've got cockroach eastern blocker DNA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have diarrhea all the time. You got- You're all-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will do it, I will not refuse. But don't you think it's because the content, it might- I can't remember what the content is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in. Would you be open to my husband pretending to murder you and then have sex with your dead body? Do I get a body double? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's the last idea and we couldn't cast it so I had to be the lady in it. Because I don't care if I work in show business or not. Look at it! It's the truth! It's true!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kills me in the sketch and they have sex with my dead body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think doing a sketch like that would ruin your career or maybe narrow your prospects of working again? No. At this point, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I saw him do stand up very early, and he was saying vulgar, horrible, horrible stuff, and I was like, ehh. But you give them a little leeway. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's so hard because you're so vulnerable with a new person and you want to make, you want it to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's not his fault, he's a dope. You know? He's kind of clueless. Alright, I'll call him back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Give him a little bit of piss. Easy breezy. Send some urine. What's wrong with you? Wait, did you French him? Did he try to French you? Uhm. He did. You Frenched him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I'm sad to hear about your dates. So what's gonna happen now? Are you gonna do it again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel attracted to him or was the sandwich such a deal breaker or like he couldn't get over it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well, hold on, Moneybags. What, you're too good for Subway? And it's not that. Because you could go to Traders Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for the same amount of money, for this piece of shit sandwich, you can get like a cheese and charcuterie fucking thing. Thank you! Thank you! Yeah, it does not a money thing because you can, you can have a nice spread at a reasonable cost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a hashtag. But first. But first. Put it in the but first. But first. I mean, there's a lot of men who listen to this show, and there's guys listening, I guarantee you right now, going, what's the big deal, you better fuckas soon, you fuckabitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even Pirate's Booty. A bag of Pirate's Booty. Who didn't like that? A couple of sodas. Some Topo Chico's. Yes. Come on man. Jazz it up. Jazz it up. You need tacos in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on the TikTok. Oh my gosh, I'm enjoying it. Look how great this looks. And you said the music is done by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. What a great idea. What a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 2nd, it's available on Vimeo. For purchase, you guys buy it. She's a mommy. Buy it or rent it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy it. Go for it. Go for it. Do it. Enjoy it. Alright. So great. I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. And uhm, you know, it's a, it's new beginnings. You're gonna bark on the whole new chapter of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, thank you so much for tuning in, you guys. We love you. Mary Lynn Rice Cub. So good to see you. I'm so glad you're doing well and download See Rent live at the pandemic. Live in Mary Lynn's garage. You can get that on Vimeo starting February 2nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, you got nice boobs. Can I see your bush? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like a cardboard cutout of a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, see, that's the rearview mirror. If you hang shit from it, like air freshener, or anything,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a vehicle code violation. Cop will pull you over. Stop!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. If you play with my hair while I'm laying on your lap, am I gonna go from daddy to baby real quick? Also yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pissed the fuck off right now, man. This lot was not orange when I bought it. It was not orange when I bought this motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was the real lighter thing. It was right here, man. Silver. A silver lighter. Then I take off the motherfucka paper, and this popped up. An orange fuckin' lighter. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you know your donor? Like, is that your friend or something? How does this happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is in a same-sex relationship and also is transgender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, so we got to know each other and like set our boundaries and I got to know all about his history and it matched really perfect with what I want. Um, so that's kind of what a known donor is and while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know who my donor is, it's not a secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're illegal, and you want to get to Germany? Then the shortest journey from Syria is through Croatia. Oh, he's telling you! Avoid us!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want you to know this, if your prayers include me to stop drinking, stop smoking, and stop having fun, and stop watching these little bitches pop their ass, if your prayers include any of those things, they're not gonna work because I'm rejecting them all, and I will be continuing my same wicked ass motherfucking ways, I guess that's the way you wanna put it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you guys are not good doing bad things. If I might say so myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello. I am just kind of moving around a little bit today. I've been laying down for like the last two days. My butt is like super sore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a sphincterectomy which is, so you have the outer muscle which is like your butthole and then you have the inner muscle, uhm, they cut that muscle and uhm, because it was really tight, uhm, so I was having a lot of discomfort when I was doing like anal and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the good news is that I should be recovered completely, uhm, within like the next month. But I can't do like any, obviously any butt stuff till then. Uhm, but the good news is that I will be doing a lot more butt stuff after everything is healed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, I am just kind of moving around a little bit today. I've been laying down for like the last two days. My butt is like super sore. I got a sphincterectomy which is, so you have the outer


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was really tight, uhm, so I was having a lot of discomfort when I was doing, like, anal and stuff. And I would always, like, have issues, uhm, with, like, tearing and stuff, so they, uh, cut my inner muscle to kind of relieve the tightness. So hopefully that works, uhm, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is gonna supply a lot, a lot of fuel to a lot of happy people. Look at this, walking for trailer, it just pushes itself off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got something for you to do, I need it done right away. Real fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, my name is Clancy. I see a lot of beautiful girls on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't think of nothing else. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm gonna tell you guys a little secret. Okay? How to stay married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been married, I've been married for 46 years and I'll tell you how to do that. When the argument starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep your mouth shut and go to the garage cause you ain't gonna win anyhow. Have a nice day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Se trata de Juan Emilio Amiri del Frente de Todos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, my logic behind the word has always been, if you feel comfortable saying it, then it's more than likely a word that you should continue saying until you find out you shouldn't. So yeaah, I feel like he should keep using it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I played in high school, like, after class sometimes. Okay. Just like, you know, just hitting the ball. And then with my ex, me, her and her brother used to play, like, maybe for like a couple months or something. And that's it? It was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No lessons or anything. Right. And then have you played since?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I'm just, I just win. You're gonna challenge me to something, I'm gonna win at it. I don't know why, I just will. There's no reason to it. I just will. Oh boy. You just gotta trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does have a chill, chills, you know, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I've never thought about men-wise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came out to my brothers, uh, and they were like, duh. Cause when I was seven, I got hit with a soccer ball and yelled, ow, my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] North Carolina. What part? Uh, outside of Charlotte. It's called Belmont. It's really tiny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it wasn't. Really? No, because it was, uh, it's five minutes from NC State, which is a big, uh, engineering school. Yes. So dudes, lots of dudes. Lots of dudes. And they, so there are two women's colleges, like right nearby, and they were just like, who's gonna be my wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know I was, I didn't come out until I was 25. It seems like, it seems like I would know as soon as I was born, but somehow I was just like, I just have not found the right dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the biggest crush on Sandra Bullock girl. Cause I liked the girl next door, like the pretty nice, like I was into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went to prom, but like my prom date a couple times was like, he's gay. Like he didn't know it back then either, but the, the gays always find each other, even though you don't know you're gay, uh, men and women, you, you tend to like go to proms together and stuff. Cause there's just like this unspoken, like, I don't want to touch you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to touch me. Let's go to prom. This is perfect. Oh, I love it. Uh, I didn't really date much. I had, I went out on some dates here and there, but I just kinda, I like was a nerd. I was an overachiever. I was into school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I played, uh, basketball, tennis, and, um, uh, softball, obviously. Uh, randomly, I, I grew up playing soccer, so I played tennis in college all four years. You played tennis in college? Yeah. He's a really good tennis player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and they didn't have, because they didn't have any women, I would have to play in the A. The A level, uh, mixed doubles. So these, like, guys were, like, semi-pro. And they'd hit the ball or, like, scare the shit out of you. But you just gotta put your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was, it's fun. I haven't, I haven't actually played in two years because it hurt my shoulder, but. Really? I think it's like rather than right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I think so. And then my senior year of college, I grew up playing soccer and then quit for, uh, in junior high and high school because we didn't have a girls team. Uh, and my senior year of college, I just randomly decided I was going to play on my college soccer team, so I did that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was probably a different time too, you know, when we came up, I think there was less of that entitlement, like we're owed something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah shit, like I gotta figure this out, like I don't fit in here, I don't fit in there, so what am I gonna do, you know? So you just sort of find your place, and for me it was sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I would watch SNL a lot and like, uh, I'd learn all the sketches. So at the, like at practice, I wouldn't do like Molly Shannon's character or sing like Adam Sandler's lunch ladies song. So I would like make people laugh and that's kind of where I found my place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but, but she's just always talking about her husband, Tim. And, uh, she...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was exasperated with her husband, DM, and then he buys her some turquoise and so she gives them a BJ. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. And so I basically take like the, the most asinine things of being a straight housewife and that's why I love it advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, Tim has joined me in the hot tub. Tim, stop it. He just touched my foot with his foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and uh, somebody's gonna get a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thank you. I'm a clown. I don't know. I just feel like social media is so negative. Everything's so negative. And I do feel like I genuinely have a positive outlook. I'm lucky because I know not everybody gets that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, of course I can be an asshole, I can be moody, I mean, who can't? That's just normal human stuff, but, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the most, cause I mean, you know, I had a childhood where there was plenty of hardships that you overcome and I think I've, getting through that and just getting to a place of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I moved to LA. It was hard, but I finally started working. I bought a little house. I was like, oh, I'm made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A life for myself, like what is there to be bummed out about? And so I just sort of filter that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I view the world and it filters out into my comedy too. It doesn't come, my comedy doesn't come from darkness. There's pain there for sure. Uh, but I've never even talked about that in stand up. I've never even talked, like, gone into that stuff. It's all just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a PSA right there. No one can do it like Cardi B. Cause she is very authentic. That is totally who she is. And I think that's what draws us to certain people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 40, no. Um, god, I don't know. That would have been like mid 20s. Oh wow. Cause that came out at 25. Yeah. So it would have been soon after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just see, it just, yeah, I mean, I was also like young when I touched the wainer for the first time. I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was he even trying to do? Stick his tongue out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw her once without them and it's jarring. It's jarring, right? It's like when you see, also when you see your grandma with no shirt on for the first time, that's jarring. It's just skin right here against skin against skin. And you go, wow, that's what happens to boobies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I didn't know that. I never examined my grandmother's bottom part. So I don't know why her situation was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I can't tell if like Corona times has made people crazy or if this is always this guy's situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know what exercises are called. How many arm crunches is she doing? Arm pulls. I know, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I have to pick. So, I mean, there's not a real front-runner. Oh, there's not? Right now. But you have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy's, he's at least a protector. Yes. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, openly be gay. But they were very, they were very much against gay marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he was 20 years old in Miami, and they go, he's a, we just wanted to help him out. He's a, he's now a business partner with us. People are like, the poor boy is now a business partner. That doesn't make sense, but nothing, like, the story kind of died. Well, the guy, I guess, fell out with them, and now is telling everyone. Telling everybody, and so Jerry Fall


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They shouldn't have game, marriage should not be allowed to them because they will, the sanctity of it. And then you hear shit like that and you're just like, go screw yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause they think that it will detract from them. Yeaah. And it's happened so many times. Oh, that's so true. I'm gonna speak so loud against whatever that people won't even think to look at my own life to see if I'm following the traditional family values.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, there's been a lot of stories of, like, different Republican lawmakers in the past who did, you know, were always against homosexuality. They're like, yea, that dude was tapping his foot in the bathroom. Oh yea. I remember the foot tapper. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that show, they need to bring it back post corona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop calling me a hoe. That show, and there was another show about polyamory, I think. Hello, you're all our hits. Yes, and they were the weirdest people because it's never like, there was one good looking couple in LA. Uh huh. And then the rest were like, San Diego. And by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then one guy with the long, the bank, the long bangs, he was always bummed out that his wife was taught, like wanted to talk about feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Polly people, hey Polly people. I mean, listen, if it works for them, she's so happy. You think so? She, or you think that she's putting that on? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I usually have to go somewhere. It's my one splurge I usually buy. Where do you go? Uh, Groundworks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Alfred's is really good. Bluestone Lane's good. Cause these people, uh, these coffee places are really perfected. Yeah. Uh, the, the beans. I love that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something fun about glitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I went, I went to this charity thing at Luke Bryan's house, that, you know, the country singer and he had a shooting ranges as part of, it was like a day of outdoor activities and my partner, uh, she just picked up a rifle and there was like five of those like, uh, metal things to hit and she went pew pew pew pew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a boat. Where are they? Hell yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a cute dog. What do you have? Oh, what do you have? I have two. I have two dogs. One's a Pomeranian. Little white fluffy guy. And the other one's a mutt. She's like terrier chihuahua mix. I love doggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, this is a real Sophie's choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, that was a- that was uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs to, he needs to, he's got like speakers up there in the corner and the light switch up there. He needed to clean up the background a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kinda seems to be working. Don't work. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's- You're d-dirty stuff. You're dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy Uncle Vince. This is his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, but that's alright. This is honestly the most exciting thing that's happened to me in 2020. Yeah. Yeah, at least in the last six months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun being here. I love you. I love you. I'm just so happy to be around your friends and comics. It's fun to hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is baby raper a legitimate term? Like are they legitimately baby rapers or is it just like a term?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I can't beat Tom at tennis or probably any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a face swap? We're honestly not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, there's, there's something about it that just doesn't register normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, Yentive has no problem. Yeah, of course. He'll do it. I know. Cause he knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2 years in China, then some more, got 5 years in the States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Local schools ah, only blonde person. Hard to do anything ah. Always stand out one. Uh, China same thing. They call me Jing Fa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so what I'm asking from people, you know, is just to wash your hands, you know, shower, you know, distance yourself. See, I'm, I'm, I'm on a self quarantine right now. I'm not, you know, having any girls. I'm not, well, I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a woman with greater personality, then hit me up on Instagram. It's Antfletch31. It's the same as my username on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, oh, you don't remember. You don't remember. Cause I don't buy that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell nah, I don't give a fuck about Lois Lane. She ain't had a shit when I sang. Fuck this bitch. Fuck em all. I don't need nobody. Here I am. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think we need to go practical with this promo. I don't think we- I don't think it actually needs to be gasoline- like th- this sounds like a fun concept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we could just use water with, you know, with some dye in it and then do the explosion and post. There's much safer ways to do it. We don't even need a fire department official there, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but this is the one, oh wait, is this the one? Yea, read this one, I want you to chime in on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were to be nude and do a fox scene in a movie, would you do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here are some of my favorite white people phrases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First up we have, you're on thin ice buddy. Next we have, get a load of this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Followed by, for crying out loud. And of course we can't forget, your darn tootin'. And of course, aww brother. And finally,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another Bayonetta poster. What's good about this Bayonetta poster? Oh my fucking god, yo, yes! You can see Bayonetta's tits!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes me so fucking horny for her. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Inform Juggalo says, uh, hey, Tom Segura, um, invite me on the podcast so I can try it out with you and Dr. Drew. Four strokes with my brother is my favorite. Great, more riddles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see, I see what he's doing. I see what he's doing here. It's like me saying that. Hey, Tom Segora, invite me on the podcast so I can try it out with you and Dr. Drew. Four strokes with my brother is my favorite. Is that like, he wants us to have a threesome and four strokes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's talking about fucking, cause remember he was talking about Dr. Drew was like fucks bitches like crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four strokes with em. So two apiece or is that four total or like four strokes per each of us? Or do we each get two strokes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's the part of the mouth. Go back. Like that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I would just start speaking to him in Hebrew, like, eh, makoleh, and then he kinda gets it from there, you know? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, cause I mean, like, uh, Hebrew is so aggressive that we could get out that idea in like three syllables.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would it translate to? Uh, you smell. It would just be, it'd be direct. Or actually, yeah, three syllables.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you don't have to take it there. We're just talking about walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did this arrive, this was just in the mailbox, in the inbox?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I have some neighbors that I've like never talked to before, but they have a slip and slide in the backyard right now, and all the kids are playing, and I'm just gonna go out there and ask if I can, uh, play with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, y'all need to wake up. That's a bad angle. Nobody thinks you're stupid. A lot of these other people think you are. That's why they're blaming Donald for everything they've done. Come on now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were planning on doing it so you would hate him. Because the Russia didn't work. The impeachment didn't work. And you know what, Pelosi bitch? The virus didn't work either!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you fall for what Dr. Fauci says...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you might as well have lived back during the Holocaust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the bathroom, I mean it's the one place you should be farting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a piece of my heart from when I was building Mars and my heart was chiseled with a pickaxe. And it was turned in, this was turned into a necklace and was wore around by somebody and it was broke off and lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it washed up in the creek and my brother found it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After covid, I'm getting a double meniscus transplant. I also saw that Sapa has an adjustable base. So maybe with that, I wouldn't look like such a talk when I'm getting out of bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think y'all need to take a chill pill and eat a banana and feel like I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you're black and you guys do your own thing, but you still have to share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my fault. I haven't seen you dance so angrily to the intro, ever. What? You had such a crazy face on, you were, something's going on in there bud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, I mean sure, yeah, but I mean everything that you post is something that we would play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you post it? Was it tagged or? I posted it. Yea I posted it. Was it this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Squatch Ronson. Oh, that guy. I'm familiar with his work. Yeah, he also did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Fedsmoker is a Corona victim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? What makes you say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Potter does. No, Potter is the one that likes wrestling. Does he? He likes, I thought he liked real sports. He also likes fake ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you approach it? Well, it's, you don't know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I would just fade out. You would? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she was the one, then I'd be like, whatever, I'm just gonna put up with this. Wow. But, doubt I would do that, and I'd be like, you know, there's- You just ghosted. There's not just one person. No, I wouldn't ghost, but it's just like, you know, just kind of remove myself from the situation. No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, so for the YouTube, we're just gonna see your reaction, so just go ahead and over-describe what you're seeing, cause it's not gonna be blurred for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, if you go to the channel membership, we're gonna lightly blur it, cause we gotta do what we have to to not get it taken down. Okay. But, you know, that's what's going on with this next video, cause it is insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was like, I haven't even eaten yet, and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, doesn't even matter for you. No. Which is fine, you know? I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, right, right, this, right when he shits into onto the french fries, that's when I was just like, I'm gonna finish this later. You know what? I'm gonna make Zolo, I'm gonna make Zolo prep this clip. And then, and now, I'm also able to teach him that, you know, sometimes you gotta prep stuff you don't wanna watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you realize like, oh, I guess I could overcome these emotions and still continue to prep this clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the septic tank video was the fir- was the first time I ever actually like dry heaved while prepping something. You did? Which happened this year. So it's- it's re- which is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man. If you saw the, the, I think it's the fifth clip, uh, cheese bouncing off poop. If you play that one, you see the cheese just not mixing at all. That's pretty fun to watch. It just bounces off of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting cause it's, I think, I've watched it and I'm 95% sure that it's English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is the stay at home, like he did this cause of quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who and why? There's just a cool lady that we found a couple weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm divorcing Rick. He's out there on his boat like an idiot. He has no idea what's about to happen. And guess what, Rick? We're done. Fuck you, Rick. Fuck you, Rick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm divorcing Rick. He's out there on his boat like an idiot. He has no idea what's about to happen. And guess what, Rick? We're done. Fuck you, Rick. Fuck you, Rick.


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[Assistant] Oh, this is the good thing. Oh, by the way.


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[Assistant] This is a fucking state, alright? This is a fucking 50th state, you fuck. You don't do that.


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[Assistant] Purchase a ticket to the show and watch it for an entire week after the live experience. If you can't see it live, you can still see it after.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Right now, you go to satva.com slash the shit. That's for real. satva.com slash the shit. And you can explore the wonderful world of Satva mattresses. That includes


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[Assistant] The Luxury Firm Satva we originally had in our home and slept on is an incredible product. The type of mattress you'd find in a luxury hotel. Maybe you prefer memory foam and you can get the Lumen Leaf line.


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[Assistant] Also, uh, an incredible product, environmentally friendly, and of course, Satva provides incredible customer support. Why is there the Satva URL with the shit? Because we recently, we recently got to try their product, the Solair.


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[Assistant] Which is the, uh, mattress that moves up and down for you, has a zero gravity setting. Incredible, incredible mattress. And when I talked this up, I said, this thing is the shit. And they said, how about that URL? And I said, I like it.


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[Assistant] If you go to that URL, you get $225 credit to start with to get your mattress. So go to satva.com slash the shit and get yourself a mattress. Wake up white people.


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[Assistant] Uhm, we are here for you Chomos, hope you're having a good day. A very exciting episode to get into. So many fun things to discuss, including our drive in and the cool lady that we saw standing at a stoplight.


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[Assistant] Really exciting stuff. Uhm, and there's cool people everywhere. Here's one of them. Let's start the show, alright?


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[Assistant] But before uhm, we're done with you, I'll show you where it goes. She's not too stable.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's uh, she's wild, man. She is out there. Yeah. Yeah. She sounds like she's doing an impression of someone. Like that doesn't even seem like it's a real voice, but I think it really is. It is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, seems like she's in like, I would say she seems like she's in tier two of an improv school. Yeah. She got the uh, improv kind of stuff down and she's doing characters now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. And it seems so strange, right?


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[Assistant] We saw a nice lady, she had a neat outfit on, she had crocs, camo pants, uhm, pretty nondescript shirt.


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[Assistant] A mask, which, you know, protective, and then, um, a wool knit winter hat. It's, uh, by the way, it's August in Los Angeles. Should be about 105 in the valley today. She had her winter skull cap on.


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[Assistant] So, she was like pacing a little bit, and then as we drove away, I go, do you think she's good in bed? And Christina goes, well, you guys are always saying that the crazy ones are good in bed. And I was like, not that kind of crazy.


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[Assistant] I was like, did you think that that's what we meant? And she was like, yeah. I was like, no.


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[Assistant] When you hear men say that crazy women are good in bed, we mean volatile, jealous, like unpredictable, showing up at work like, fuck, why are you texting me back? Like that girl's good in bed. Not the lady who's like, not like pacing at a bus stop wearing a knit cap.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, she doesn't, believe me, she hasn't been around a penis in decades, that woman. I'm talking about a totally different type of crazy.


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[Assistant] You give, you give crazy a spin, you take it for a drive and you're like, this is too crazy. Do you have anything with less horsepower?


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[Assistant] I mean, there's some, there are some people that are addicts, like there are men who, it's just like you see women that get into dating patterns where they...


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[Assistant] That's true. Cause I could, I could, all my alarms were too strong.


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[Assistant] Was it college? College. Yeah. College. I think I know who he was. Kinda tall. Okay.


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[Assistant] I went out with a girl who was, you know, uh, like, would disappear, all this stuff, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's horrible. And then she would reach back up and be like, what's up? Like, I haven't heard from you and, you know.


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[Assistant] And here's what happened, like we went out a few times and yea, she was kind of an animal, you know, in bed. It was fun, but I was like...


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[Assistant] I mean, like, I met her, and she was like, come inside me, and I'm like, alright. Wow, on the first date. Oh yeaah, yeaah. Seriously, there's people that do- And I was like, I don't think, okay, so. I was just, just at your arm.


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[Assistant] And she was like, people do it all the time, you're fine.


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[Assistant] First date. Here's the thing though, so like, she's, she's kind of a, she's kind of an animal. She's, she's not like, you can tell that she knew how to act, but would only do it from time to, you know what I mean? Like she's raised well, but she's kind of crazy.


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[Assistant] You can hold it together, but she's kinda crazy, and like, she's uhm, indecisive, you know, which keeps you on edge, which makes it more exciting, but you're like, do you want, do you like this feeling? Like, I don't like that feeling.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, so I chased her a few times, right? Like I would try to get her to date me and, and she would, we would date and then she would go away and then disappear until one day I was like, nah, like I totally stopped pursuing and


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[Assistant] It's like, it's like, hey, I would have been like, and me as a 41 year old man, I'd be like, hey, stop touching your fucking hair so much. You're doing it every two seconds, are you alright?


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[Assistant] She would like, she would like me because I'd be like, you're fucking annoying. And then she'd be like,


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[Assistant] See. Just gazing at her and she was toying with all of them. I went out with a girl like her too.


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[Assistant] But this girl, that Brazilian girl, knows how to play with men.


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[Assistant] But you'll also, you'll see what is, like you should have the alarms also of like this is manipulation. Cause that's what she's doing. She's manipulating all of it.


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[Assistant] There's one exchange where she goes, he goes, how important is sex to you in a relationship? And she goes, at least 50% is based on sex. And he goes, I think 80.


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[Assistant] Uh, real quick, I gotta make this, uh, real clear for the audience here. This is a big deal, okay? No. Big deal. Suwu.


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[Assistant] So we're very excited. In just a few days, we're doing the first ever live streaming Your Mom's House podcast. It's uh, Friday, August 14th.


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[Assistant] 5pm Pacific, 8 Eastern, also available all over the world at the same time. It is a live worldwide streaming event.


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[Assistant] Tickets are available on locationlive.com slash your mom's house. Here's a couple things I have to point out that people


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[Assistant] This, what you see will not be on our regular YouTube feed, your mom's house YouTube feed. It will not be there, it is not permissible in any way, shape or form. That's why we're doing it on a completely different platform.


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[Assistant] Uh, people who have asked a lot, and I've tried to answer a few people via responses and stuff, but just so that it's on this feed and you understand, if you're not available to watch it live, but you're still interested in seeing it, you can go to the same link, the onlocationlive.com slash your mom's house.


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[Assistant] For a week after it, after it airs. So it's airing Friday night.


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[Assistant] Popdog and Charo are joining us via Zoom.


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[Assistant] It's gonna be a lot of fun. Of course, the first time Top Dog's ever appearing on camera. We're always, we're very excited about that. They're excited to do it.


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[Assistant] And, uh, let's just see, one other thing, uh, yeaah, we are talking about getting it, um, and having a heavily censored version and putting it on the channel members, so that should be something that happens another week after that.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but this on location service is allowing us to play clips completely uncensored, which is very exciting.


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[Assistant] To watch this, uh, to get those tickets if you haven't, in the description of this video. We've also been posting about it on Twitter, on Instagram, so make sure you join us if you can. We're really excited and a lot of you have, uh, signed up for it, so thank you very much for that.


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[Assistant] I'm priming the pump, if you will. Priming the pump, yea. And I'm sure there will be an after show gift that I'm required. Just before a car this week, I just fucking hung up, so.


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[Assistant] It didn't make any sense. She actually asked me, she was like, would you buy me a car? And I was like, didn't you get a car today?


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[Assistant] She got a car, she got a car yesterday. And she was like, jeez. And I was like, you want, you want another car on top of the car you just got today? And she was like, why not? And I was like, but what for? You're 75. Like you're not jumping in and out of cars all the time. She was like, I just want something exciting. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, oh, this, this was, uh, everywhere. And I'm so excited that we get to watch it again. It went viral, but I like it so much. It's just kind of fun, and I hope that, uhm, if you haven't seen it, you get to enjoy it here.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. He's like, you want? You see the eyes though? Yeaah. Like uhm.