[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need the challenge. I know exactly who I am and I am the true champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's the point to say who drinks the most or who drinks...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but that's the thing is like, you're gonna binge. You're going to push yourself farther than you normally do. I could drink it all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Why would I want- I don't like doing contests like you and Bert. I don't like putting myself through suffering for the point of what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already know that I am the champion, why would I even need to compete, demean myself, debase myself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To compete with fucking peasants? You and Maria are jokes. You guys are fucking- You're not even in my league. Why would I compete with, uh, dilettante drinkers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've, I've, I know I'm hydrated. The doctor says I'm perfect. Everything's perfect. I've been to a urologist. The guy told me to stop drinking so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't believe it. I don't like doing stuff like that. That's a fucking waste of my time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it just sounds like torture. Cause you guys are just gonna gorge and drink too much and it's gonna be miserable. I don't have that kind of time right now. I gotta do stuff, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, they're both laughing at that? Look at him, look at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess like, is it maybe that they're so much more innocent than we are? Like they probably don't sit here and talk about, you know, farting and fistfucking and coming all day long like we do. Did I miss a couple segments? You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys don't talk about the horrible things we do. They must be not as desensitized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember raining these jokes off of popsicle sticks when I was a child, and I still was like, wah wah, like I never thought they were funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think your mom, I mean you have to forgive her because she's working on a second language thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really, uh, cultural humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess this is like when certain people like certain comedians that you're like, that is so not on my radar. Yeah, that's true. And you're like, why are people laughing? I don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause that's an unconscious thing, like that Shibuya experience was so traumatic that it unconsciously led him to think of his war days. You know what I mean? Where he's like, there's nothing worse than this. Oh wait, Afghanistan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that must be a perfect thing, like the acoustics of the mountains and the ice. That's special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey that little kid, open face. Oh, he was so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. Yeaah. But back then I feel like SF was way gayer and wackier and more fun. Yeaah. Now it's the upstairs like us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's douchebags going to Whole Foods with their kids. It's a little different. Not that I don't love San Francisco, guys, I'm not saying that, but it's just culturally very different since the dot commerce came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people like us now. It's not the weirdos. There used to be a real beacon for weird beards. It was really fucking far out. It was really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I had the best, we had the best time. I mean, we just get on those muni buses, get high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people would just be like, what's up Sherlock? Like he would just yell, hi Sherlock. And he'd, what, you know. There was a guy in a pink unitard on a fucking unicycle that was on Hay Street all the time. Just a pink guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All kinds of weird shit. Now it's, I don't know where the weirdos, the weirdos are in Portland now, I think. I think Portland's the new San Francisco. It seems like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be the hardest part of law enforcement, is dealing with nutbags and drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fart. Cause it's really, it really is all the stupid shit that you and I have enjoyed over the years and it's all about silly. And it's great cause we come in here and we seal the world off. Everything is sealed off and it's just talking about stuff we really truly care about in a new way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's so, it's, it overwhelms me at times when we do the show live or I go do stand up and all the mommies show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This started just out of us talking about farts and shit like stuff that we normally would talk about and to think that it's really touched the lives of so many people. Yea, it really has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So silly. Oh, uhm, I don't know. We were wanting to do a glossary of terms from your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but if, I know the Facebook page, you guys do that. Could someone start a glossary or maybe a Wikipedia page?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the terms are some localized place that fans can go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to say thanks to everybody for listening and supporting us and, and, uh, I hope everybody's jeans stay tight and high as mine are. I wore my highest, highest pair for this episode. Did you see? Look how tight these are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're talking real fast, but it's not hard, right? Jesus Christ. And we're talking real fast, but it's not hard, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Music is music, man. Entertainment is full to sober.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google it, get it, show them, because I, I feel like there's Birkenstocks, we're not talking about Birkenstocks. Birkenstocks are ugly too, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are the fully functional dad sandals or mom sandals. They can go either way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were sticklers for grammar. Uh, for instance, when you answer the phone and someone goes, is Tom there? You don't go, uh, this is him. It's this is he.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we start, I want to give a big shout out to My Light. They sent us this Your Mom's House, uh, light here, which is so awesome. And they also sent us one for Ellis for his room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just wanted to give them a shout out. It's mylight.com.au. They're an Australian company. So if you order one of these lights, uh, just get an adapter on Amazon. It was like five bucks. And now you've got this, we have this rad light and it changes colors and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, someone had written a light kit on there, so I thought it was for the studio. I thought it was like a lighting kit, so I didn't open it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is not uncommon actually, I believe other artists have also ended on a fart as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Ghost Crew ended on farts. A lot of people do that, I guess, as, as uhm, in honor of your mom's house. That was the predominant theme of our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this clip I saw when I was looking at birthing clips when I was pregnant with Ellis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As far as I, as far as I know, there's nothing ecstasy or ecstatic about birth. It's so painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before you have a child, you're like, sure, that's possible. And then if you have given birth through your vag, you're like, there's no way that that's even remotely possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think honestly, I think what's happening is these ladies are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Convincing themselves that it's, you know, you're using your brain, your mind over matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, and when I wipe it burns, but in a good way, it's essential burn. That's what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lick. Especially the part where when contractions begin, you shit your brains out. It's like your body's way of cleaning everything out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. When I went into labor at home, I just started shitting. That's how I knew I was in labor. Cause I'm like, Oh, I'm having like period cramps. And then your body naturally wants to get rid of everything so that you can push. I'm assuming it's like nature's enema, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you shit a lot and then, and then you're just- We're out of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ton of pain. Well, you should out of your brown hole and then out of your vag hole later. You should a person out. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Which is optional. You don't have to feel that much. It does hurt even with an epidural, but you can choose to not suffer in this era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hurts, and then you just push through the pain, but yes, it is a reframing of what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell no, that's why she's saying stupid shit like this. She never fucking gave birth. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you gonna do like if I have another baby while I'm giving birth this next time around? I feel like you should be doing something too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would annoy the shit out of me by the way. You see all these like loving hippie husbands that are, you know, squeezing on her belly and massaging her. I'd be like, get the fuck away from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And I wouldn't trust a male gynecologist either. Fuck that shit. No way, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I wouldn't want to touch balls and dicks all day, and I don't know what's going on. You can study dicks and balls, but until you yourself have a dick or balls, you don't know what's going on. You really don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know that too. Cause I ask my guy about nasty snatches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, yeah. Oh, oh, I asked my gynecologist one time about male gynecologists. She goes, oh yeah, they're all weirdos. She goes, I would never, ever. She goes, they're all weirdos. Psychos, perverts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just probably think, yeaah, like she, they pull down their pants and she just starts licking her lips, like, mwah mwah mwah, taste these balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, but what if that's her special method and that's why her clients are, there's just so many patients. Cause she's like, well first I have to do a taste test on these balls, sir. Would you submit to a taste test?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think here's why I think anybody would choose that. Let's keep it real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think that you choose it because it is a little titillating on some level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. And especially on men, that's their most prized body part is the dick and balls now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, during my- During fertility stuff, like when we conceived Ellis, I had two male doctors examine me when they give you ultrasounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And both were terrible at it. I had an old ass white guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready? Super aggressive. Have you ever had a female, um, dick doctor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Biologically it's a he, but she feels like a she.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. He could have woken up a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, by the time the flight took off, became a she.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So huge development in the sagura home. I, uh, I tried to install a tushy on my own, which was a disaster. We got sent one for free and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two, we have a Tushy and the Toto Washlet 350E.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Now the tushy is expressly for your asshole. That is like a fire hose. High pressure. High pressure. I should have tried it today. Just on your butthole. So it's totally different. It's totally different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both wonderful experiences though, I recommend either for those of you who are interested in a bidet. I can't recommend them enough, but the tushy's like an affordable thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I didn't get the warm one, water tushy, cause like I didn't want to deal with the plumber coming and doing all that, or electrician, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, we're texting back and forth. And he goes, what's your address? I give him our address. And then he goes, can I have directions?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, that's odd, but okay, maybe this person's older. I don't know how old he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I give him directions, and then he goes, well is that coming from north or south? And I'm like, okay, coming from this way. It's, and it's essentially three things. Turn right, turn right, turn right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he keeps texting me and un- not understanding what I'm tech- and I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, finally I was like, whatever dude, like I just, I stopped talking to him because I'm with the kid alone and I can't handle him. So the day of, he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Text me, is it a ride on Bapapa Street? He's still confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calls me, and I'm like, you know what, in my head I go, I can't do this. Listen bro, if you can't find my house, you don't have the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a moron. Well yeah, cause then I go, if you can't even find directions to my house, how are you gonna fix my damn toilet? How are you gonna fix the goddamn doorknob I need now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the day of the guy's appointment, our appointment, I'm with my son, I'm alone, you know, toddlers are a handful. I also don't have access to my phone 24-7, cause I'm running around with the kid. So he calls me, leaves me voicemails, and I'm ignoring him. At this point I'm like, you know what bro, if you can't figure that, you don't have fucking GPS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your fuck- I know you have a cell phone. So all you gotta do is open up Google Maps or whatever maps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a cell phone. So he shows up angry. He finally finds the house. He shows up and he's a little like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think your phone is off. And I was like, oh, is it? Yeah. I don't know. Like I lie. I'm like, I was with my toddler. Sorry. I can't really. And he, and I go, uh, he goes, I had, uh, you, I didn't turn right on this or whatever. He's upset cause he couldn't find the street. And then I go, well, don't you have GPS? Oh, I don't believe in that. I don't use that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, use the technology. You know why? Because he's a hippie, he lives in the mountains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and here's the best part. So we had a couple of other things that he was fixing. This guy was giving me a fucking tutorial as he was doing it. Like, well, you see the toilets not working cause the flusher in this mechanism here. And I was like, bro, bro, bro, motherfucker, listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna, I don't wanna be educated. That's why I'm paying you the $50. You fucking do this for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've reserved fartmistress.com and so far we have not put content on there and maybe your mother's the fartmistress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I were to do these videos, I would eat a lot of dried apricots and Vietnamese food to prepare. I'd have a bowl of pho and then dried apricots. But, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate not monetizing them, you know. There's an audience out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, the emails are just pouring in about the moose soup lady too. She's really struck a chord with our audience and she's struck a chord with my heart. I've been thinking about her all weekend too, moose soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was perfect timing. Your mom was on board until we had to show her face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I do feel like $3,000 is reasonable for fart videos. That's a really good, good rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yea, you're never gonna have a legitimate job again, but do you want one? And she's 70 something years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good idea. Look, she's in retirement, she doesn't want to work. I mean, that'll supplement your income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just travel with your mom, you can stay in the same hotel room as your mom, you guys really get close, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Well thankfully, she's already on a diet that's high gas producing. That's right. She already is. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and we don't want to violate anybody's privacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we do know what she looks like is what you're saying. So can we at least describe her to the audience? Well, I'll just say we're both wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It changes the dynamic. I said a brunette, like a molly brunette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's an older lady, and she's real, I'd say she's just stocky, like thick. Kinda like thicker legs, and then rounder middle, older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wanted to bring up a topic. Now you started to talk about it yesterday when you got home from your long journey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the power of the genes. Yeah. Gene powers. Uhm, so you came home and I, you started to talk about how you actually preferred plain shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, and I go stop you right there, I'm gonna write that down, come up for some moo soup, and we'll talk about this on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not afraid, and what do you do with your pants? You leave them around your ankles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That's so nasty. When was the last time you did that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a good one. That's a huge airport. That's a, that's a fucking, can I read an email to you before we roll along here? Um, I think it's kind of fitting apropos our current discussion. Hold on. Oh geez. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I am now paying per flush, I have to put a cap of two flushes per brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which me, which my gene is obliged to brown on top of before using any of her assigned blushes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That our Brown's touching is weird. It is. Even though she touches my wiener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Half the time I go to use the toilet, there's one of your little brown nuggies floating. No, there's not. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, I think it's disgusting, and I don't understand this 12 flushing system you guys have, that sounds terrible. And here in America, in America we just waste. And I also got an email from a couple who,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uhm, their browns seem to come on at the same time in the morning. And they, I'm assuming, have one toilet. Now, you and I had one toilet for a million years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what did we do when we both had to brown at the same time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think wha- I think what happens is we realize that when you say, I gotta go shit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's funny, I think it's the exact opposite. I think a lot of men assume that you're into them when you just say hello. And they're like, shit, fuck me. I'm like, no, just being nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, because you're a nice guy. I like nice guys. I married the best one. That's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's why you're special and that's why I think you're the absolute best human being and that's why we're married and we've been together for 12 years because I adore you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wouldn't blame his weight. It sounds like she's weight-focused here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to run 10 miles a day to hang out with this chick. I don't want to go to the gym. This is not something I don't wear a lifestyle different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She makes fitness in her, all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she makes all the fitness, he makes none of the fitness. Now the reason you and I worked, I think, is because I had the soul of a fat person. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never wanted to go exercising with you, so we weren't so divergent on lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs a re-assurance. A dick graze. Like, oh, I gotta, I'm reaching for the napkin. Oops, did I graze?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we were like in the dating, courting, early phases of our, you know, thing, whatever. We were friends first. So we transitioned from friendship to dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember being like, oh, are you going to so and so's party this weekend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you didn't go, and I was hoping to see you there, and then I talked to you later and you're all, oh I fell asleep on the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say that the gangster party line is my, hands down like my favorite sketch ever done ever. It's so funny and, and you actually had that phone number up for a long time. It's still up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really apropos, our opening clip was about berf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, now in retrospect, like, if I had high self-esteem, or like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Standards that were different. I probably would have been like, I gotta, I gotta get out of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laughed, and truth be told, I'm glad we have open fart policy, because I fart a lot. And I'd hate to hold farts in for 12 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I was thankful that we had broken that because I also have to take shits and everything and I, how do you hide that in a relationship?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't that interesting how, first of all, it was a wonderful lesson because I was there for that show and I was just like dipping my toe into being a, being a feature act. And to watch you commit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to really be like, nope, this is the act. And I, and that was the first time I had seen anybody really do that. And I was like, that's fucking awesome. And it just goes to show how different audiences are, are, suck. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's show Brent uhm, let's see if he's interested in eating a bowl of something. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love about you and your act by the way, he has a special, what's the name of your special on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Appealing to the mainstream and you have this great bit about being a teacher in Oakland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, the black students call you Mr. Pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well watch is special to see him talking not black. It's really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, remember when we were at that restaurant and we saw that white guy at that Chinese wedding?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, fully spittin', like, real dog, Chinese, and he even had, like, the posturing, like, he was talking to, like, five older Chinese guys, like, you know, they had the total posturing. This kid was, like, 30, and he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where people wake up one day and they just have like a crazy Chinese accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever taken a messy brown and then, like, you know when you keep wiping and wiping and wiping and then the lips don't suck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now have you ever gone to shower to get rid of the infinite poo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does choppy chang mean anyway? How racist is that? And let the record show you Anna, I am currently drinking a glass of water. Tom, where's your water in this episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because then the infinite wipes, I mean, you walk around with leaky butt all day long, so you're just wiping your butt all day when you have an infinite wipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's right. That is disrespectful as hell. One time, Tom and I were at a really fancy, we were at a really fancy restaurant for dinner. I don't know if you remember, and there was a family, and the baby had the iPad, which is fine, but it was full volume. Just beep-boop-beep, and we're like, all adults, why is the baby up? It's late anyways, the baby should be in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that it's wrong, give your baby an iPad, I don't care about that, but then give the kid an iPhone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather be retarded or when you do your act,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the worst act ever. It's basically everything that you hate. But you have to do the act. You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but it's just a cheesy, you know, it's puppets, it's explosions, it's magic, it's everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or do the worst possible, like whatever you hate, whoever you hate in comedy, you're doing that act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have a son, I have a son, so I couldn't take care of my son if I were retarded, so I'd have to always choose the other thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you say that? It's a guy, not a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the email it said the n-word and so whenever I say the n-word on the show it gets remixed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the sucking. I didn't say there was a dick sucking station. Well, it's a pump. The pump station where you could go and get different gysages in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this dick milking machine, this is just for science? Is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 13 grand to get your dick sucking machine, guys. That's not that bad, right? That's not bad. The real girl, the real dolls are around 10 grand. The real dolls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just gotta hear this. Alright, alright, okay. You calculated that uhm, you smoke up to 18,000 cigarettes a year. Is that Donald Trump? I don't know if you're still smoking that much, but how long have you smoked that much for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow. When there's cars and bikes going by. Meow, meow.


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[Assistant] I've been noticing a lot of people that talk about my dog gonna eat this kind of food or my dog gonna eat this kind of food because it costs more. I wanna test that out. I think it's bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got some mighty dog food, some kind of shit.


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[Assistant] You need to get that molten lava cake rise.


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[Assistant] He does, uh, it's your mom's house, put him up high.


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[Assistant] What about it is throwing you off? Just the fucking awesomeness of it?


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[Assistant] No, I was at the mall getting my phone fixed and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked through Macy's, or as you call it, the garbage dump.


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[Assistant] Barney's is ludicrous. You can't get out of there without spending four or five hundred dollars on-


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[Assistant] I'm not sure I would do it, like I don't, it's just, it's a, it's an ethical thing.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt that he's gonna choose something different than vaginal leaching.


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[Assistant] Right, she's got Minnie Mouse and then pink, pink, pink, the heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is a thing, um, psychologically when a girl still wears a lot of pinks and they're an adult, I think it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why like those porno girls, they talk like really, you're all high-voiced.


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[Assistant] It's like that you're refusing to be a woman kind of thing. Of course. It's terrible. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duh. It's like drinking your pee to, to cure a cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, totally. She's my tribe. She's somewhere like Romania or something, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dare you? You're so misogynist. Well no, I mean, I like them. You're so sexist. I like them. Why can't she be hot and smart? Why can't she be a doctor and slutty at the same time, Tom? She can be.


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[Assistant] Stop painting her with that brush, just because you're funny doesn't mean you can't be sexy.


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[Assistant] Well then do it on fucking LiveLeague so we can see your snatch.


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[Assistant] What I'm concerned with, I think it's okay in your puss, but then it can go into your uterus, and then it's like no man's land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, cause it sounds to me like you're really opening up the vag and putting something in, it means it can go through your cervix and into your uterus and it'll probably cause massive damage.


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[Assistant] Right, unless you're tying strings to all of their necks and then you pull them down. I mean, this is the craziest sh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't, I really can't see how that would help fertility. It has nothing to do with, uh, does it give you better egg quality? Does it? She's, they're nuts. This is nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I know this, I mean, we all know why she's crazy, but again, I have this theory about the makeup. Whenever you see a girl, first of all, that color is bananas, lipstick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell no, or she got makeup tattooed on, like tattooed eyeliner.


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[Assistant] If a bitch, if her eyebrows are too thin, I mean, Tammy Pescatelli has a joke about that, but if your eyebrows are all fucked up...


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[Assistant] You know, you color them different colors. I knew a girl who had purple eyebrows.


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[Assistant] You're like, boo-boo, that shit does not look good. Nobody likes that. No. Jews aren't gonna like that.


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[Assistant] What's that mean, even just doing that to yourself? Probably not easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it doesn't feel good when someone else does it to you, let alone doing it yourself. Like there's no way, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ERs would be full of dudes with leeches on their dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or when you make a baby, like, well how do you think sperm gets through the cervix, you ding dong? It opens and it gets through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just, you're just sitting there and then a leech crawls out of your cooch, just slithers out. What's wrong with that? I'm done. Oh, you're done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I, you know, it's, to me whenever any Australian person speaks, I'm like, oh that's funny. It's not, it's not American, you know? Like, it all sounds different to me when I hear him talking, I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it just sounds wacky, mate. Like they all sound wacky because it's not American.


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[Assistant] Well, he sounds like he's genuinely sweet. I think that's what it might be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Corky Thatcher on Life Goes On, was he able to drive? He was able to act. We know that that guy could read lines and memorize them. That's fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think in my Rolodex of retarded people that I've known if any of them could drive.


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[Assistant] Again, you know, the guy in life goes on, he was pretty highly functioning. He could memorize lines and do things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether or not it would be pleasurable to be retarded if you would know that you're retarded.


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[Assistant] They don't know other pleasures besides masturbating and eating too many sweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's other, there's more refined things like, uh, enjoying a film, reading a book. The only thing I can watch films? Retardance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't understand, they're not gonna watch the same white bummer movies that we watch, or, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sucks. Well I was sick, so I, you know, what could I do? And I, I got roped into 13 Reasons Why, the Hannah Baker suicide show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] episode and I was like, oh, fuck, I love it. Cause I love depressing teenage shit. That's my, that's my jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you're like, what are you watching? This is depressing. Your favorite stuff is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I hear as I'm falling asleep at night. It's all your murder. Whatever murder shows you like, it's always about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reenacting or the, they aren't not, they haven't found the killer yet, which is even more terrifying for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you love that stuff, like the real depressing, like I watch fake suicide, like fake murder, but your jam is like, I like real killing, like real, uh, human suffering, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's the mid-, like the mid-, you relate a lot to that place because you lived in the, in Minneapolis. Yeah, it's your, it was your tribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Americans, can I tell you something? I'm watching the Americans. I'm not dazzled this season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's not. First of all, last season we had so many compelling stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A good story line. But I feel like they kind of dropped a lot of the story lines from last season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Paige putting them in jeopardy by talking to that asshole pastor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I was very excited to see the outcome of Season 3. Spoiler alert if you're watching on Netflix. Uhm, the victor was Nadia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you and I were rooting for it, Tamal and Nadia, the two outliers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both young, both Muslim bakers, uh, she wears her full hijab, her headdress, makes her look very different than everybody else. But I liked her because she was an outsider. And I liked that she's like a housewife, and the best part is the bummed out husband when they did her package, like her interview, and the husband was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we've all been missing Nadia, she's been doing this baking show and I've


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He was more upset that she wasn't, uh, still cooking and cleaning at home. So it was nice to see that she won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't think I could do it and then I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, I didn't think that I could do it and then I found that I could do it and now I say to myself, I can do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well she's from Bangladesh. What you're hearing is Bang-Bangladeshi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she does, a little bit. We'll do, you do her then. Do her, her speech. Hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it, mate. No, he goes, he goes, I don't like it. I'm not tasting the rhubarb. I'm not tasting the almond. If you're gonna, if you're gonna put pineapple in it, I'd like to taste the flavors. I like your layers. Nice bake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much moisture in the bike. I love when they say, I'm gonna miss that show. No, he, yeah, he went to channel four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paul Hollywood. I really hope there are more seasons that we get to see, cause I'm just, aw, it's such a great show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that we like to watch before bedtime, and I find that it stresses me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- Can I say my least favorite genre is like we have to keep running from the evil thing. Right. Cause I have nightmares about running and being chased. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what the whole fucking thing's gonna be, is them running for the next ten years, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so what, they built like a human land, like on the Matrix, in the center of the Earth?


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[Assistant] What can possibly happen? They have to kill all those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we have to stick to it, I guess. If I watch it early in the evening, maybe I can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like movies. My heart pounds so much when I watch that zombie show. Yeah. I get really emotional, like, you guys have to run, you have to keep going. Like, I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I agree, the movie selection are fucking crap shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When is fucking, uh, John Depp, my wick dick 2 coming out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did retain. Uh, yeaah, he's working on retainer. It's, you know what, we sat down along and we came up with these. I hope you're okay with these terms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a moral thing. It's not a waster thing. It's about scrunching versus folding. I don't care about the environment. My problem is it's not practical because the poo can touch your fingers if it's scrunched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it could be Aussie, it could be Kiwi, because that was a playful UK accent, it wasn't a strict Royal British accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you as the quote master of all people should know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're usually uptight. I thought for sure Australia, cause you know, they're kinda more fun about stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no clue. It's uh, it's hard. And then you got your Welsh, you got your Yorkshire. Good Yorkshire lass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to share this that, okay, so I was sick for like fucking 14 days, I didn't, I wasn't getting any better. Yeah, you got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Florescent yellow. It was like a highlighter, marker, dude. In 40 years of existence, I wanted to show you so bad. It was one of those things I was so proud of. And I panicked and went to the doctor immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in that, in the interim of like having this cold, I was picking my nose an awful lot and it was like almost to a point where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I knew something was wrong, like I was, I was definitely, it was becoming too much of a habit. And then I thought to myself like, am I gonna stretch out my nostrils forever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and she was like, oh my god dude, I've been picking my nose a lot too, cause of allergies, and I'm wondering if I'm gonna permanently stretch out my nostrils. And my dad told me when I was a kid that, he's like, don't pick your nose so much, you're going to widen the nostrils. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're gonna look like your Uncle Steve. Cause he used to pick his nose.


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[Assistant] That's what my dad said that because my uncle picked his nose a lot, his nostrils became bigger. And you know, you hear something in your formative years and you believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I googled it and it said no. It's not possible, you'd have to be doing it like all day every day to make an impact now. I disagree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at my nostrils now. Aren't they enormous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your cooch. You can gauge your earlobes, right? People stretch out earlobes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yours are big and hairy, but I feel like mine grew in the last, I'm serious, since I got preggers, my nose grew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that one of my legs is significantly shorter than the other?


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[Assistant] I wonder if retarded people need retarded placards to let everybody know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you agree with me that picking your nose a lot? Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The vagina, however, is a muscle and can go back to some kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can get looser. They can get looser like poundings, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a doctor, can you write and let us know if I've made my nostrils bigger by pecking? And if pregnancy can in fact make your nostrils bigger? I feel like it, I feel like it's yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paper clips! Paper clips! Some motherfucker was like, let's make this shit thin, and then do that like that, and now I can hold fucking PAPERS together! What about a stapler? Stapler! Scotch tape? Amaze. Hair brush? Amaze. Like everything we use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that, that is a feat of human engineering for sure. I mean how, he's right, if someone was like, hey build,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A nail clipper? I'd be like, no fucking idea. And it looks simple. That's why it's deceptive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember on the Great British Baking Show, because everything leads back there, uh, when they're like, make a pretzel.


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[Assistant] And that's something you see a hundred times in a mall, right? Cause we go there a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the horrible misfortune of, of all the millions of times I've dropped my iPhone and I've do it a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it finally shattered, I broke the screen on my iPhone. And you know when you do it at first, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a moment of disbelief, like I, it took me about a week to come to terms with the fact that I broke it, you know? Like to just, it was like the stages of grief, like I have to do something. You know why I had the stages of grief, the Kubler-Ross thing, because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to go to the fucking Apple store. Like that's my nightmare, is making the fucking appointment, showing up, and then the search for who works here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then just making eye contact, hoping that that person's an employee with a ponytail. And then just go stand over there. That's my favorite. Just stand over there. Fuck you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And let me know where I am in line, how much time I have.


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[Assistant] Because that's outside of the wacky way we do, we don't do things traditionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like tradition, guys. Let me know where to go and where to stand in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the worst is when you activate a device. I activated my mom watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're s- go- go stand at that table. And then it's one employee, and then five old people like me, like, I don't know how to put in my password! And then she has to divvy up her time between the five-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I saw this old lady who had the tiniest iPhone there ever was. Like the first one. You know, it was like a, just an inch of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, she's like, but I want, I wanted to work again. Like she was some foreign lady. And the guy, and the guy was like, oh yeah, no, your motherboard is fried. You need to buy a whole new phone. And she's like, but you can't make this one work. Like please, please make the one work that I have. Like she couldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come to Jesus on it. Please don't make me spend $800.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Stanimus shirt, don't forget that one. And jean, I tell you that sweatshirt, the jean sweatshirt is my favorite thing ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always in the hamper. I wear it so frequently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now I have to go, I say the word stand in my head and then I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stanema. Oh, it's stamina. I have to reverse it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, man. I'm gearing up to shoot my first hour, and I'm so fucking stumped!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come see me and, uhm, see the hour that's going to be immortalized forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm going to go to Sacramento this weekend, April 28th and 29th, Sacramento punchline. May 4th and 5th, Phoenix, Arizona, Fartnicks at Stand Up Rive. May 19th through 20th, Jew Dork Titties at Gotham Come On You Club. June 1st through 3rd, Denver Cum Works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dongver, uh, the downtown location and then Manfriend Disco at the Punch Rhine, June 16th and June 17th. And I'm just, I'm, okay, should I, no, no, I'll hold off on the actual...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Press pause on that. I'm not gonna blow my load now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tickets at thousandranch.com, spelled out thousandranch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll be fun. Indian River County. I forgot it was called that, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like Florida, man. I like the weather. I like the people. It's like a, it's kind of swampy and spooky. You're so happy. Weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he molests retarded children. That's creepy. He looks creepy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walking the dogs, which never happens, but you're out with a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a neighbor passes by you and every time you see another human being and they get within your shot,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you see Ellis, you get so, you get so excited that you vomit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or every time you see Ellis, you get so excited that you vomit all over yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so you're, you're at the airport and it's just a high start checking in. Yep. Welcome to the plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and it's Tom Segura, farting comedian, and it becomes a huck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't keep for anybody, every time you see somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm one of those people who might find it interesting to try and understand the iTunes agreement. I get very angry at auditory assaults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a quick reader. I'm not like you. I don't have to sound everything out and move my lips when I read to myself. Might take ten minutes. It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to law school for two weeks, don't forget. That's like reading an iTunes agreement every fucking day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't, but I was an immigration parent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't intrigue me, but, I mean, I've read boring stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you leave the grocery store, are you listening to me or are you paying attention?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And someone's pitching some nonsense. You have to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere. I know Trader Joe's, Trader Joe's, sorry, Trader Joe, you gotta go to Whole Foods and you gotta listen to the whole spiel and then you have to do whatever it is they want you to do. Every, so there's no hurrying out of the grocery store is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not this guy. Well, your beard makes you look angry and menacing. You probably just look angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not, like I've told you this before, you're not fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Or once a week, you have to go to the Apple store to either have something repaired


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or to buy something, but without an appointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And aggravating, and they're gonna, they're gonna wear on your last nerve, and it's a hassle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can game the system, find out when the low traffic times are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like Save the Children, like, dude, I'm saving my kid right now. Like, I'm wrapped up in a toddler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say that I don't enjoy the app. Here's what I hate so much about the Apple Store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'd make friends and cause I'm friendly with everybody. Cause I'm such a good personality. And I'd, you know, I'd make it fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not because you're a better personality, but because sometimes I don't wanna deal with that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm a loner for sure, yea. I don't enjoy a lot of people's company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely, but I'm very selective of who I spend my free time with. I have a handful of friends that I've had since I was 14. People don't like you in general though, I would say. That's not true. I think, but I think I make a great impression


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like a cursory sort of surface friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, ask anybody at the comedy store, if they're, who do you like better, Tom or Christina? Not comedy wise, like who's funnier, but who do you like as a person, who's a better personality? Hands down, I'm gonna win this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can eat whatever you want and stay thin and not have to exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're rich, you can eat whatever the fuck you want, you can exercise, but you'll always stay fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're fat, but you've got like stacks. Like you're a multi-millionaire. And you don't have to, you don't have to work. You can work when you want. So it's skinny and poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or rich and fat. And you can eat what you want in both scenarios.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, okay, you're not bangladeshi poor. You're not living in a cardboard box and defecating and showering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything you want, you don't have to exercise and you stay skinny and healthy. And that's the thing you have, you have all your health and you can eat whatever you want, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So because I made the number something you've already been, okay, let's, then let's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have enough money to kind of do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've got the best access to medical care. Now you're fat, you're not Manuel, you're Rebae.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fat? No, no, listen, you're maybe, you're, you're, you're bad. You're five bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I know this is a different scenario, so we've done that. We're changing scenarios. No, no, no, this is an additional question. So we've, we've, that question's gone. New scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, same stakes, but you're 500.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know men's weights, like I don't know what 300 pounds is on a man, I can kinda guess on a woman, I just don't know your weights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, your Orson Welles fat. Go. That's the level of fat at the end of his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you would take, so what's, what's the lure? It's the money that you'd rather have. Money is what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you could, what if you could look the best and you'll never age shitty? Like you'll, you'll just be hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be fat and rich. So here's the thing. I mean, yeah, you could die anytime, but you've


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got his chin out, that drunk underbite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know you love to eat. Imagine you could just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and you don't have to gain weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, actually I would rather be hot and skinny than I'll just find a guy. Some fucking rich guy. Some rich fat guy. And I'll be like, let's hook up and then we'll find each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's a lesser, I mean I shouldn't say that. Here we go. This one's just more bass. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, would you rather every time you fart, it's a shart? Or every time you burp, it's a berf?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't birfed in a long time since I was pregnant. Birfing is the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I like that that's your concern is that it takes up time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But listen, but listen, here's why I choose sharp, because uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I would wear adult diapers, and that way, dude, that's how you do this! So you just wear adult diapers, you shart in the diaper, and you wipe your ass with fucking moist towelette, and then you're done, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, anybody that's known a single mother, been a single mother...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. Don't contact me, I heard it. That's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Zach, there's some, I hear some flaws in your logic. A, how do we know that the folded wipe leads to more wipes than a bunched wipe? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, is there some empirical data to back up this claim? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know that that's founded in anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know it's been so long since we've done this show and I thought, you know, we've never really done a super mega celebrity edition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not? We know, and there's a whole new school now, so let's get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so Kim is like the 2.0 model and then Kylie's the 2.4, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she's too young. Yeah. Yeah, she is. She's too young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, keep in mind, and let's throw this into the ring before you make your decision. And so is this one by the way. She's into the black guys too. Yeaah. But let's keep in mind that Kim's very insecure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the other hand, Kylie's young and dating rappers and those guys are like, bitch put it all in your mouth, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think he looks like a savage, sexually. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think Kanye is like, put my balls in your mouth all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's kind of a dope, she's 19, I could really traumatize her and, you know, oh she wants to talk about as like selfies and her new cosmetics line, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go for the guys. Old school Bruce Jenner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she still has a dong, I think she still has a dong. So that kind of rules it out for you, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a lot of variables to deal with here. Ego, uh, versus some guy who's like, I think I'm a woman inside, you know. That unconscious weird shit happening with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't know that he might not know it, but it's gonna manifest in other ways. He might be like, can I just, do you mind if I wear a wig and a pantyhose? And you're like, okay, yeah, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But as Bruce, she probably stayed in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like Kanye's, I'm just putting this on him. He might be brutal, he might be disrespectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at them short shorts. No, I like him. You know, he athletes, you can't go wrong physically. He probably looks great naked. Uh, he's got Stanima.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lazy lover. He's gonna have a lot of weird stuff going on and it's more interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would not, you're just a piece, you're just a slam piece, babe. You're talking relationship, I'm talking about filling up and saying shut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He babe, he's filling you up and sealing you shut. He's not letting you listen to his musics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's say Caitlin has a Vagene. A new, freshly made Vagene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, you do. You'd have to have a problem. You wouldn't have a problem with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. And so when, as a straight guy, wouldn't you still, you'd be like, Oh, this is like a dick. Like it's still a dick, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Now let's go through this because she's just been dumped by a husband of how many years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Converting to being a woman, she's damaged goods too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So high maintenance. She's more high maintenance to me I think than, uh, the other lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why worser? Well, we both have AIDS. We both got AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So our boy has had two colds in this one month. He's 15 months old and it's been two colds. We somehow didn't get the first. The second one hit and everybody's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both got it, and I'll tell you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it. Now here's the deal with, I have a weekend too, I'm in Brea this weekend, so we can't fuck around. The thing no one tells you with kids is that you get whatever sickness they have and then there's no time to recover cause you're still having to be a parent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no day off. Like, you just wake up sick and horrible and then you take care of this kid. So, you really gotta take your downtime when you can to recover, otherwise you're just gonna roll into another sickness. Pretty real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're here, we're queer and we're non-binary and holly and we're gonna make the best of it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, cause you were like, a fallty fall to fall. Like that's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like that. Caught em' um. Now I fell asleep last night during the Great British Baking Show. Yeaah. Season 3 we're about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Slovenian Ukrainian, my tribe. I was rooting for Ugne, I liked her blue eyeshadow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. Well, you know, his bakes were very imprecise. He had timing issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew it. You know, and here's the thing, you know, except for the middle challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got time, you have a whole week to prepare your bakes. Your signature bake and the showstopper. You have an entire week to prepare. So there's no excuse for you to not be to time. You should be practicing at home all fucking week, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of fun. I think I would be the worst contestant. I have no patience for baking because that involves precision, measuring, patience. I have none of those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would be great though. The irony is that you're a better cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You made, remember the uhm, the time we gained 50 pounds eating pecan pies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how we used to eat treats like that? Every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We see this shit every night. We wanna make soufflés. Awesome. Let's make brownies. Okay, let's do cookies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And remember, you and I, we both have this thing when we like it, piping hot, any treat has to be hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hate it when you go, like I remember I went to a friend's house and she made lime lemon bars and I fucking hate lemon bars to begin with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never enjoy a cold treat! The treat has to be warm. If it's out of the oven, it should be burning your mouth, and that's how you know it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a Wiccan and she lives in this conservative town and she asked me whether or not she should be out and proud as a witch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even share my kids pictures online. No, I know. You know? But I share other things on that, Steve, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I barely ate this week. All I feel like eating is melted cheese on a plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I want to eat is melted cheese on the plate with crackers and then chocolate chip cookies. Like doesn't that sound good? That sounds good. What do you miss the most of sugar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said waffles last time, but I feel like it's different when you're sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pasta, I want pasta. Pasta, that's all you can eat when you're sick, really. You should be eating carbs. So the Filipino guy got kicked off. Was he devastated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The technical challenge, they're throwing you curveballs, you have to rely on your knowledge of baking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- I feel like Paul Hollywood doesn't really fit into that cast. Like, he looks like a douchebag. He's got the gelled hair. He's got the douchebag goatee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The douchebag uniform, like the light denim, and then like, the colorful button-down shirt, and like, douchey shoes. He doesn't fit into the Great British Baking Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the total lesbo, the one lesbo host and then like the more hetero appearing. I don't wanna say his pronoun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I call it everywhere outside of LA is just not LA. Like I don't want to know the name of the place. I don't want to know. You're such an elitist. It's just not LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me explain. First of all, LA is the best, okay? We have the best climate, we have the best looking people, we have the best produce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ocean, mountains, I can go snowboard in the morning and then go surf in the afternoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what is amaz- what's not amazing about LA, might say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I were an Akron, I'd probably be like, fuck everywhere else besides Akron. Yeah, that's true. Not Akron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really an Angelino, but that's cause I'm ride or die. Like I grew up here since I was four. This is my home. This is my fucking A1A till I die, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snow to me is inexcusable. Like, I can't even fathom living in it. I hate going to it. Nothing makes me sadder than...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snow in April, when you're in some poor city and you're just like, these poor people have to live indoors for just five months, right? Since October, they've been indoors since October, it's fucking April. Let the people outside, let them have sun. That's what I feel like, I feel bad for them. I feel fucking, and I'm like, I can't do it. Get me the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck it dude, I don't wanna like wear coats and be unhappy all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christmas, Christmas it dips down into 70, Christmas morning, brr, it's chilly, gotta turn that heater on. The night time could get down to 46 degrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you got upset this- this year because of the rain. Fuck. You hated it. It got you very mad, see? You don't like weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when you wanted to live in Seattle for a minute? You were like, let's move to Seattle or Portland. And I was like, bro, you don't know what you're saying. That rain is real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's gonna be the problem, there's no proper Mexican food in Denver, and I know we're gonna get emails. Of course there are. No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the same. They always make the food to go with the tastes of the locals. For instance, I was in Kansas City once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, bro, don't give me this fucking dog shit on the menu. You give me what you're having for lunch. Give me what the bus boys and you guys are eating. And he made me Mexican food, but it was diluted. It was like dulled down because all the honkies are eating it. You know what I'm saying? They still give you like the white man version.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're right on the border, bro. We're right near Mexico. We're right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel this way for like Milwaukee or Florida?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just kidding. Here's the cities I like. Let's be real, real talk. I'm gonna upset a lot of people. The big ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Name a big one, they're all good. In America. I like Miami. Miami's like LA times a hundred. It's ridiculous, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like New York, obviously. Seattle, Portland, Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Minneapolis is great. All the biggers. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manfriend, I lived in San Francisco, love it. San Diego, Sacramento, San Jose, those are all good places too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Momver. I like all these places. Denver's my favorite. It's my favorite city. I just don't think I could live. Cause I'd be very like, ugh. What would be wrong with living there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just get used to living in this climate all the time. It really is a weather thing too and like a lifestyle. I don't mind sitting in my car for hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that cold is unreal. I don't know how people survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause some of those fools go out in like, a thin jacket dude. Like I come, I come rocking a parka to these places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I used to be. It's like Canadian tourists, when you see them in LA, and they're in the water in our ocean in February, and you're like, that's a Canadian. Cause that shit does not phase them, but an Angelino would be like, hell no, let's wait until August before anybody goes in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're not used to being warm enough. You still are like, it's hot! It's hot! It's hot! But it does. It does get hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is she? Is this New Zealand or is this Australia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not supposed to put eyeshadow from the bottom of your lid up to your eyebrow and then around the eye. It looks crazy. The eye socket, like no dude. That's like the woman, first of all, that's how you know the bitch's crazy. Number two, when the bitch draws the lip liner around the lip. If you know a bitch that draws the lip liner


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over the line of the mouth, and then she fills it in like that's her lip. Please. Bitch please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's very cathartic. Yeaah. It's also, uhm, a colossal waste of, uh, time. No? Colostal? God, no, I said sorry. Colostal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A colossal waste of your energy, isn't it? Probably. Like to really hate that person? How about just forget it, let it go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now- Look at those tits. I know they're gonna spill out of herb mushers or they're about as hangy as mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now ask somebody that was goth in high school and I read a lot about witchcraft and all this stuff. You're not supposed to do black magic. Why not? Because it's rooted in bad and it's just gonna come back and get you. Everybody knows that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I, sometimes I make like a cucumber apple like blended shake thingy. Yeaah. And I leave it in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, that's very courteous. Did you leave the empty soda cans in there too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks guys. Leave it exactly as I gave it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta change the air filter, it get old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, every car I've owned eventually smells funky though. I had a Volkswagen Jetta, remember that one? And that one smelled like crayons for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I blame it on an accident I got into. I got rear-ended and the trunk was jammed open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it got moldy, and it smelt of crayons for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before that, my Chevy Nova, I just smoked cigarettes in there and the ashtray was always full. That's so gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for him. I bet that took years of experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is a unique boring video because it's boring and not difficult to understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause then I'm challenged, but that was like, double bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm having a great time on the show. You know what? Speaking of Toilet Seat, I went to see a movie by myself. I saw Trainspotting 2, which is fucking awesome by the way. I don't know why nobody's talking about it, but it's a really good movie. It stands on its own. If you haven't seen the first one, you can see the second one. Anyways, I went to go potty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, you know what I'm sayin', it's like a nice theater. I fuckin' pull my pants down, I sit down, and it's wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I sat on a pea-covered seat, bare ass dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I started getting paranoid, I'm like, can I catch a disease this way? Like, can I get ass herpes or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, right? No. I mean it's just on your butt skin, like on your thigh skin. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of PB, we took FIFO and Schnitzel to the vet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, last, uh, I don't know, two weeks ago, in FIFO, they took his urine, and then we get a call three days later, all the urine sample's not strong enough. I go, yeah? Well, we can't tell if it's not concentrated. What you guys need to do is, uh, tomorrow morning, when he wakes up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His first morning pee, you guys have to collect the first morning pee. I go, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on it, yea. I go, how am I supposed to do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get like a Tupperware container and just put it under there when he lifts his leg in the morning. Okay, yeah, I acted like that. Fuck off, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Oh, I thought she wanted us to give him open heart surgery or find a donor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About the anesthesia? Yea. Yes, but it struck me as very ridiculous when I heard that we had to take our fucking 14 pound dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love him too. He's the best. But I don't know how I'm gonna collect his urine like that. That's insanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what I might ask is if we can bring him in first thing in the morning. Like, Feef holds his pee all day. He hates peeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hates going outside for any reason. I mean, right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Bitsy on the other hand, different dog, totally trusting, would let me do that in a minute. You want me to pee where? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I gotta tell you, if you're looking for bang for your buck, for quality and price, I think that like old school Levi's are the way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't understand that. You know, the genes do really make the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good jeans are everything. I'm serious, like now that I spend a little bit more on jeans, Hudson's great, AG is great, Lucky Brand is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when I was fatter, like after I had Ellis, it was really important. And I was buying gab jeans. Those suck. They're not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't fit as well as lucky for me for some reason. You just have to find the brand that works for you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I've bought a lot of clothing from Target. Some of the best shirts I've ever had in my entire life have been from Target. Black standards. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Target's got great clothes, they've got a few, the Morena line is really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For LJ, I go online, Old Navy, and I buy all his shit, and then, you know, he grows out of it in two months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also with newborns, they get you there. Remember we were at Target?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, newborn shoes. You're like, motherfucker, you're not gonna put shoes on the newborn. Don't even buy that. The only thing you should buy for a newborn is onesies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And fuck a snap. I mean, uh, buttons. Don't you dare get buttons. Zipper, zipper, zipper on everything. They shouldn't even make children's clothing with buttons on it for babies. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, April 13th through 15th, I'm gonna be at Brea. That's this weekend, April 13th through 15th. Come see me. I'm working out my hour. Well, it's already worked out. I'm running the hour, I should say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then April 28th and 29th, Sacramento at the punchline, May 4th and 5th, Phoenix, Fartniks, Stand Up Live, May 19th and 20th, Jew Dork Titties at Gotham, Come On You Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dongver at the Dongver Comedy Works downtown location and then June 16th and 17th, Manfriend Disco at the Punchline. Come see me before I record this hour. Very excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was in Greensboro. Again, not LA. I just call it not LA. Not home. You know what it is too, I don't like to travel anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm all, I've seen a lot and I'm done seeing stuff. I just wanna stay here. Yeah. That's the truth. I'm serious. You know, I don't really enjoy, uh, traveling anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been everywhere, dude. I've been to all these fucking continents. Over it. I just want to stay home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's at... Right, he's in like, Joburg or something right there. Or at least something affiliated with him. Or in Africa, South Africa. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I understand he's a young guy, he didn't grow up with, uh, apartheid. Apartheid. But, you know, maybe- You're black? Yeah. Apartheid. Ah man. Maybe, uh, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, fuck, I know who he is, but that's because I grew up in the 80s. I heard of Nelson Mandela every day on the news, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he could, uh, play hockey, Nelson. Who knows? Not a lot of, uh, hockey rinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now was he, was he in South Africa for the event?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. He just thinks everybody's a hockey player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dicks! Just let him fucking make a jerk out of himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd think you'd ask if you're going to the fucking fundraiser, right? Like, hey, who's, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then to go, which is okay, he's a young guy, maybe he never heard of the man who, you know, ended up part time, spent time in prison, his whole life in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when we went to South Africa and we ate steaks every night around midnight and gained so much weight that we had to buy fatter


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I miss South Africa. Let's go back. I like it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I forget the third spot. Nando's Chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pleasure. And I remember, uhm, the very funny Ian Bagg was always offending people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would s- he would talk so much shit to Africans and they would laugh, dude. That was- that was a fun time. Where the fuck did we go, man? Why can't I remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretoria. I don't know, yeaah, Joburg, Pretoria, Soweto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My son accompanies me in the bathroom when we're alone in the morning. I just have him come in there and he watches me take a shit. He likes to push the buttons to the bidet. It's fun. It's a family thing. Dogs come in, they watch me shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, I didn't think you made up the story that somebody was masturbating. Did I say that? That I made it- You were like, that's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nasty. How do you forget? Well, and also, it starts to encroach on your shoe wearing, it'll start poking into your shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. When it's like real thick, right? That's what everybody does. You're like, woah man. It's all fascinating. Yeah. It's all yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the almond in the middle of those Chinese cookies that sometimes you get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you could switch rooms and do it in the bathroom instead?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's the wrong answer. Do you think you just wish the sanitary room? Nah. Yeaah. Nah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's not into that? The advice is just cut em, don't be nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do when I get out of the shower, because they're softer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, that's what old people have to do. Don't old people go to the doctor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nasty, why don't you just put like a memo in your calendar in your iPhone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wrong, wrong, wrong. I liked it. I liked him up until that last...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, dad mouth is true, instead of dad mouth, a lot of things can give you bad breath. Your diet can give you bad breath too. Yep. What you're eating, what you're not eating. Stenema.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be one of those exposés on dirty mechanics or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's scumbag. That's why he's nervous. He's saying, you know, cause he's nervous. It's a tick. Alright. You know what I'm sayin'?


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[Assistant] Because you think you would be a horrible person if you ever went there. So it's all suppressed.


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[Assistant] I know these married couples, they're sorta sick and funny, but for now...


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[Assistant] Oh, stop. Now you're just exaggerating. You've been there for a couple.


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[Assistant] Wow. Think about that for a moment. I'm pondering it now for a month. If you're constipated, you have that kind of extra push. No, you have more gas kind of floating.


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[Assistant] Right, it was a thirteen year old. Three grown men? A fat wife. Did you say three grown men?


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[Assistant] No, tomorrow night. Oh, so we can still talk about Oscar shit. We've been talking about Oscar shit.


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[Assistant] Why is Trish so fat? Why is Trish fat? How come Trish looks like Bert? Phrase it that way.


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[Assistant] I know, let's drive over a bridge. Dude, this guy's stoked about a bridge? Three years? That's a long time.


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[Assistant] Sweet, but that's a real dad word is sweet. That's like jam. I don't think I'll ever get this excited about.


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[Assistant] It does. Right? I mean, it's nice. It lifts your spirits. It does.


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[Assistant] My eyes, and I was like, ooh, I'ma eat my eyes blue. I'ma eat my eyes blue. Cause I wanted, when I was a kid, for some reason, you know, Jerry, this was before Jerry Curls.


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[Assistant] So, I really wanted to be white, cause if you're in the book, you really want, you know, you leave it to be evil. So I wanted my hair, cause my momma wouldn't cut my fucking hair, and I figured if I had that kind of hair, this would be for weed.


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[Assistant] I can straighten it out. We would get a jerry curl once a year. And once your jerry curl 30, 90 days old, that's it. You fucking got an African afro.


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[Assistant] So, uh, so I wanted to, I wanted to straighten my hair and I could. I forgot the fuck what I was about to say. Oh, about having blue eyes and- Oh yea, so I wanted blue eyes and I wanted to be white and, you know, cause Leave It To Be had a perfect family. So my dad was like, eat them carrots and your eyes be pretty. I ate so many fucking carrots.


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[Assistant] You know the biggest shock to me when I uhm, I'm moving past the little bootleg house we come at, but when we grew up we were so poor.


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[Assistant] And we ate chicken back, and you know, out the back is the ass. The little ass. They look like a chicken nugget. So we ate that shit every week. The chicken ass. So when I grew up, I was like, y'all don't eat chicken ass? So nobody ate chicken ass. But us! That was poor people chicken nuggets. Now that was a shocker to me. Because chicken ass was good until you realized it was a certain thing as chicken nuggets. And I threatened my kids all the time, I was like, I should fry up you a batch of chicken ass. They used to sell chicken ass in Atlanta, by the pound.


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[Assistant] Really? So that was the shocker to me, the crap we ate.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and then they make it taste so good, like chillings, I won't eat chillings. I won't eat nothing that remind me of being poor. Really? I worked too hard to get away from that crap.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I can't eat no spam. I can't eat no cheap, no cheap bread. My husband's like, you are the most bougie person I know. I go to McDonald's and say, make my food hot. He's like, Pat, this is McDonald's.


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[Assistant] But I mean I work too hard, I cannot eat, like I go down the aisle and I see a certain type of food, it makes me angry. Spams make me angry. Spams nasty though. But not back in the day, because we didn't have bacon, so you fry that up with some grits or some fat back, that was a good meal. Right.


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[Assistant] The ketchup sandwiches, yeaah. And it was never name brand ketchup. It was that watery stuff that went inside of the bread or sugar sandwich or mayonnaise sandwich. Yeaah, my kids don't know anything about that, do you Ashley?


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[Assistant] But Tom, it was hard, because when you been a, you know, it wasn't until I became an adult that I realized the stuff that I really went through, the abuse that I went through. And one thing I learned from this book, when you been a, a lot of people who been abused want to protect their abuser.


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[Assistant] And the writer had to tell me, two people I kept protecting was her father, my first kid's father, and I protected my mom. And I was like, don't write him like that. She was like, Pat.


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[Assistant] He's a pedophile. And I was like, he's not a pedophile. He was my boyfriend. She was like, excuse me, you was 12 and he was 21.


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[Assistant] Oh, you was, you, you gave birth at 14, and I think he was 22 or something like that. It was eight years different. He, all I know is I was 14. She was like, that's a pedophile. I said, uh-uh, that was my baby daddy. She was like, no, Pat, they didn't protect you. So that was really hard for me.


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[Assistant] Yes, she had to set me down and make me realize that these people did not protect me. Wow. We cried so much with this book. Really? We cried. There was time I would tell her stuff, eh, I could just hear break up in her voice. She was like, I gotta call you back. And then she was like, you know, cause I'm four, I'm 15 with two babies by a married man.


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[Assistant] And she was like, what the hell? And you know what's crazy? He signed a birth certificate. And no, but do you need a damn ID to sign a birth certificate?


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[Assistant] Even in 1986 and 1987, you need a birth certificate.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm not a birth certificate, you need an ID. He walked in as a grown man and saw a kid who just had a kid, birth certificate, and nobody questioned it. So when she started bringing all this stuff to my attention, because I lived it, I really never paid it in attention, it made me so angry.


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[Assistant] I was like, this shit, they just, they didn't give a crap about me. They literally did not give a crap about me. And that stuff kinda, it really, it really...


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[Assistant] I mean, it really bothered me because I never thought about it because when I had her, I'm 14 years old, dropping out in the eighth grade, all I wanted to do was survive. All I wanted to do was keep her from being molested, keep her from dropping out, survive. So I went to selling dope. I mean, a can of milk was $4, but I had to steal it because


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[Assistant] When I tried to get a job when I was 15, nobody would give me a job.


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[Assistant] And I would literally tuck them on the interview one day and say, this is my job, this is my work permit. Ashley and Ikea, meet em.


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[Assistant] No, their daddy was selling drugs first. So you know, he got a divorce because I had the second baby, so he went on to the next girl like he always did. And so he started selling drugs, but he was still paying my rent. And you know, I was so young and dumb, as long as I was number one,


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[Assistant] Nah, it wasn't that far. My girlfriend had a boyfriend who was a drug dealer.


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[Assistant] We went over there, I would try to sell, it was just too many people, it was too much competition. So I ended up back in my old neighborhood.


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[Assistant] I tell you, I was so naive, I had no idea.


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[Assistant] No lie, about five years ago I was on the phone with my friend, and we was talking about baptism.


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[Assistant] And so she said, Pat, what happened? And in that hat, I remember, I was like, oh my gosh, you was running a scheme. Cause we would just show up at different churches. And she was like, keep your fucking mouth shut, don't ask no questions, just get in this water, I get this check and we get the fuck up out of here.


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[Assistant] We would show a wedding shit, I hated it. I'm like mama, how long we gotta do this shit?


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[Assistant] It was. It helped her with the rent. It helped, I mean, the food was getting. Putting food on the table. Yes. I mean, we hit those different churches. That's how we ate. Yeah. That's how we ate. And we would drive, you know, out. Cause, you know, you had to join a church back then to, you know, to get baptized and get help. So, uh, we had a lot of membership and paid no tithes.


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[Assistant] Yes, and that's all I wanted people to realize, no matter what, it's not about how you start, it's about how you finish. Yep. I mean, you know, I don't think all white people had easy lives, just like all black people and all Chinese in the neighborhood. There's, there's, there's...


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[Assistant] That's what I learned, like I thought only black teenagers got pregnant, cause that's all I saw. I didn't see white people. You the caseworker or the fucking, the police officer who dropped off food by our house because he knew my mom was an alcoholic. That's the only white people I saw.


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[Assistant] So, I thought when I got pregnant in the hood, only black kids get pregnant.


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[Assistant] I had my baby at 15. And the bitch had on the ring bigger than my fucking eyeball. And I was like, are you for real? She's like, yes. I had my baby at 15. Thank you for telling your story.


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[Assistant] And that made me realize we all go through the same shit. Some people are just scared. I was in Atlanta on New Year's and this black girl said, I had my baby at 15 too. She said, but I'm ashamed. How can you talk about it?


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[Assistant] You know, uh, she say she was gay about 4th grade, right Ashley?


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[Assistant] To do what? To have sex with him. Actually, would you sleep with the rub-rub guy for $100,000?


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[Assistant] Uh, no, I don't, it'll be easy, cause he really ain't got no penis, and I'm big, he'll stick it right in my navel, cause it's kinda deep, and he'll think he getting it. So I'll take your hundred thousand dollars up on that.