[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at the Beverly Wilshire. The Beverly Wilshire. Oh yea yea yea. And there's uh, Arab and like, you know, like Middle Eastern people coming, and it's like before, I forget what time of year it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is that the hotel was, we were there to have lunch with someone and we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go, uh, what is going on? Because it was so, like, so busy. It didn't feel like a normal day. And they're like, oh, I don't remember if it was Ramadan. But sometime in the year, they're like, oh, it's blah, blah, blah. And, uh, this always happens. We'll get like thousand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, uh, when my cousin from Peru came here to study English a few years ago, he was with, it was all foreign people from all over the world in his class, and he goes, oh, uh, he's like, there's this kid in my class from the UAE? And I go, yea, he goes, you know they just gave him money to come here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they just bought him a place and he takes out the whole class. Like in, he'll rent limos and like, uh, Sprinter vans. And he's like, let's just go out tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when I go like, oh hey man, I noticed you fucking parked without hitting anything here. You know? And he's like, huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a, a piece of juicing equipment that broke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The main thing I gotta figure out is, yeaah, so I back my car up, I pick him up, I throw him in the trunk, and then I look at his truck and I'm like, ehm, just leave it here I guess, you know, fuck it. They'll think he came here and... It's illegally parked I bet. What about the witness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she saw me do it? Of course. Wait, this is a new development?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The truck, I think, I mean, the truck, first of all, I mean, that thing, it's 5600 pounds or something, I mean, it's... Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She lives, there's definitely memory loss. She's probably, you know, talking with her eyes, looking at letters where the computer goes, hey, yes, one of those. So it was Todd Segura that hit me. It takes like 25 minutes to get it out. Um, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, and then I just bring home, I tell you what's up, and I'm like, what are we gonna do with this thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, this was sent to us so many times, and I'm sure it would have been in the folder if Blue Band had prepped it, but I found it, just, you may have seen it also. This was sent to us, uh, fucking 200 times this week. Okay? You seen this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You seen this, Andrew? This guy is such a fucking psycho. I love it. Where is he? Oh, I don't hear him. We need to hear him. Oh, it's muted. God damn it. This is why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, I like this guy. Here's the thing. I think it's authentic. I think this guy really gets high with women 40 years younger than him. And it's probably cool. It has like a decent place where it's like... It's not bad. Yea, he's like, uh, you brought a blunt? I brought all these drinks. You know, he's like, show me your ass. And they're like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he's getting a weird rap online. He's the kind of guy who's had a pretty decent job for 40 years. Same guy. You know, he's always got cash on him. Yup. He's got a, like, he has a cleaning lady, you know, so his place is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this point, a lot of his kids are thinking, you know, do I introduce him to my grandkids? You know, he's great, and they're like, I don't know, I don't think he's ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing he does do wrong, though, I can tell you he does do wrong, he uses too many of those, uh, car smell. Oh my god, it's insane. He has like 15 of those, like, um, it's like, uh, evergreen, wintergreen. Wintergreen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's the deep south. You can run into that in a lot of states. Yea, they just have southern accents. Yea, it's so weird. You can run into it in like mid central California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I think he drops on you when you come over, if he gets you to come over, you have to all, you take in all this shit, he's like, my mom's in the back. You're like, your mom? He's like, she's real sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a game, I think it's like a highlight. This is a football game. Yeah. Alright, it's full volume. Loud. You can pick up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, let's say they don't, within the first few seconds, if you hear the background like that, you're like, hey man, are we, are we gonna talk? I hang up. Yeah. I mean, my dad still, I'll be like, what's that noise? I'll try to like, say it that way. What's that noise? He's like, oh yeah, I gotta turn TV on. It's like, uh, uh, and then he stands up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns it off. Hold on, hold on. You know what's interesting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't actually show Andrew how we were introduced to this guy. This is actually how he's known to us. It's from this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys think he's lying? I don't know, I always think it's cool, like when guys brag about how good they are on sex, I'm like, this is a cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who cobbled together a, I'm sorry, I was just remembering when Christina said that Tom's asshole is hot and gamey. So thanks for that, Brian from Toronto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only tried to get you to just like, take a little test drive, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are, we, like, I won't say that this happens with any regularity, but if it's July and it's the right or wrong toilet,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I was like, do you think she wants to see your balls, dude? And he was like, alright. I was like, alright man. A part of him was so cool with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard about multiple comics doing that as a, like, to Dalmatians on the road. They'd be like, you wanna know something? I can't come from a blowjob. Yeah, I just gotta stick it in. And then the girls would be like, uh-uh. And he's like, it's never happened. And they're like, yeah, it happened for me. And it was just to solicit the blowjob. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, that's smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, it was, uh, Argentine, and it was, uh, the guy, the guy in the office, it was the setup was, uhm, he's in the office, like, waiting for an interview, you know, and he's like, uh, waiting for the job, and then she comes in, she's like 6'2", and heels, like, she looks like a real office worker, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, takes his pants off, and he has the underwear on for a while, and sometimes with the underwear on you go, eh, this is probably a pad in there or something. Then the underwear comes off, she starts kicking this guy in the balls, so goddammit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like the weirdest thing. I don't know how you can, um, cause honestly, the pain of much, much less than that makes me collapse. Oh yea, like I'm at my dad's funeral and I won't be able to move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, I'm gonna make a notch for you, brother. He's like, well, fucking suck my dick then. And then that's like the start to the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta show this to Andrew. I gotta see it. Uhm, this, this has been around for a couple years. I thought this was new to us. Yeah. But this video has been around for a couple years. Okay. Uhm, I don't know if you've seen this, but this is what's been around. We played it last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We met her at a club and got her number and then she woke up to this. This is your inbox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also lets her know that if she were to not go back to her ex and go with him, that she would forget about her ex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, it's like, almost like the I make you cum guy. Similar proposal. Yep. And then, let's take a look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My new best friend. My new best friend, who I'm so humiliated for, but I also go like, cause we were talking about last week, that this is, what happens in my mind is I start thinking about embarrassing things. That you've done. Yes. And I get washed over with that shame. I got videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was there, uhm, but it wasn't at, like you weren't just like, oh I met you here's a dick pic. There was like a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, hey, I'm getting excited. I bet you it's better than you think it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One week ago, oh, I was flying, uh, in the United wing. I think I was going to Denver. And the lady on the, on the, you know, the PA system in that wing here at LAX is like, flight 26, 28 to Chicago is boarding now. And I was like, no fucking way. It's like I had never paid attention to it. Where does the R come from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she used to tell me though, she's like, oh, you know, you have a big accent. I was like, I have a non-descript accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that'd be a great special if you did a special. Shitting on accent. You just shit on every, no, every single accent. You just, like, you know an accent and you start with one that everyone's like, yeah, that accent sucks, and you just keep it. Every one of them. You just do every accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway you want. You can order what you want too. Order appetizers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regardless is used all the time! All intents and purposes, I gotta admit, I thought that was until I was about 36.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also thought until I was, I think, a few years into dating her, I thought the expression was, ahead of the curb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember? Yeah, you did think that. Combatitive. Yeah, and she called me out when I was like, it was this combative situation. She was like, I'm sorry. What did you call it? I'm like, the correct word. She's like, it's combative. It's compabative. Hey, I have two foreign parents. Hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had one foreign parent and it definitely, you just hear wrong shit all day. That's all you hear from them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It always sounded more intense, you know? Oh, fuck yeah. Like, like my, when my mom would yell, she's not like a huge yeller or all that, but when she would yell, it sounded like, oh, you're definitely, you're grounded, right? Yeah, you're fucked. And I'm like, no, she just, she told me to finish dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do have to let them be, you know, get checked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get these brass knuckles, put these on. You could really hit my kid. God, I fucking knock his teeth out. Crack his fucking jaw. Uhm, where can people, are you, are you road in it? Are you road dogging it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing club. My favorite fucking club. Andrew's one of the best comics working today. You gotta go see him do a stand. Absolutely. I've seen you multiple times. He's the best. So funny. We love you. You have a special out that people can watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hair wise. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I found was that he was very forthcoming. He volunteered details that may be difficult to hear. I began by asking what he wanted from the men he picked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, uhm. Outside of Cobbs. Yea. In San Francisco when we were there, there was a woman crying like that. Really? Just like that sound. Just from seeing you? I guess she was outside the show after my set. You were on stage and she was just outside. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, we all know scumbags in comedy. We've brought them up plenty of times. I spent my early life living in the lowest rung of show business, which is broadcast radio, terrestrial radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think enough people realize the scumbaggery that occurs in broadcast radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's the lowest rung of show business. It takes an animal to, to thrive in that environment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the, the, uh, you know, not knowing your future, moving around, uh, just the nature of doing a morning zoo show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be tough. Ultimate scumbaggery occurs there. Now I wanna preface this by saying the guys I worked with primarily in my career, super cool, super nice. Right. Everybody was, uh, talented, they evolved with time, not like so many others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was a moment where I thought I was going to elevate my career and I moved to Cleveland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, the first gentleman that I bring up in my scumbags radio, uh, is actually the guy that I chose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a few theories on that, uh, there's some people that speculate that he was just arrested that way. That's a pretty good speculation. Yeah, I would say so, but others have then noted that, uh, the municipality in which he was apprehended


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, sheriff arepo guy. I remember how he used to put people in pink jumpsuit. I love that guy. So I think they're like, you gotta take your shirt off, it's required by law. And then they make you look like an idiot like this. But this scumbag. Burt would do real well getting arrested. Well he wouldn't have even had a shirt. You got it guys. He requests to take his shirt off at the mug shop. Do you mind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what this gentleman did, he used his profile on the radio to help a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A friend from elementary school who has cystic fibrosis raised money for a GoFundMe. He thought, you know what, I'm going to bring attention to this GoFundMe page, we'll raise a bunch of money. They did. And then he funneled it all into his bank account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I mean, and then there's actual, you can go on YouTube and find videos of him lying to people, like he also scammed the guy who made his website for this charity, uh, he scammed some people out of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he posted on Craigslist a rental home that he did not own and then accepted payments for it up to $8,000. Wow. Just wild shit. Is he in jail right now? Uh, he is as a matter of fact. He was sentenced to 30 months in jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he also, during the investigations for the first couple of scams, he obviously got fired from the radio station. And then a family friend brought him in and said, you know what, work at my bar while you're trying to get back on your feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And while he was there, he stole blank checks and then wrote out, uh, checks for $6,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he, I didn't know anything about those types of things with him when I met him. Right, you get everything but the money, in most cases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. No way. And it's also, you're supposed to like glad hang clients and people who are like advertisers and you can't even compete with them in terms of social


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're so used to being...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An endorsement? Yeah, you try and supplement your income with endorsements and appearances and things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, uh, I worked for a very good one, so I understand, I've seen the others, and I understand the laziness, I understand as a comic not going in there and not being excited about it, that's for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, uh, this next gentleman. Okay. Maybe he did his show down back in the day. Although, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, I want you to hear what this type of show this guy does. Let's listen to some of his humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you might make a mistake here and there. It's not the first time the Greaseman got in trouble. Really? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it's a good time, by the way, to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King Day. That's right. Yeaah, yeaah. Today. Yeaah. As we record the show. Yes, that's true. Yes. Uh, but we can celebrate the whole week as the Greaseman says. Uh, but yeaah, he didn't get fired for that first comment. Stayed on the air. Yeaah, there was outrage, there was outrage for him in 86. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, then they just, the station went in a different direction. He didn't even unceremoniously get fired from that job, believe it or not. And now, he does an internet radio show. So you can check the Grease Man out, see if he still slips up. Now he can say whatever the fuck he wants. So I bet he's saying all kinds of crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 60 grand. Really? Yea. Really? It had to have been low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he also is a legacy. He was doing afternoon drives. Okay. So that's like the second. That's the second tier. Second best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then afternoon drive, then maybe middays, then nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you can be like me and get a million jobs and do mornings, nights, all of them and just get paid the same. That's true, that is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you want to bring that clip up. But yeaah, he worked in news radio, WGR.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what he did was, one day in the 70s, uh, he finished his broadcast at 10am, left the studio,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went back to a suburb of Buffalo Snyder and robbed a bank. Wow. Yeah, right after he got off the air. Yep, in the 70s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he did not, uh, moments later after the robbery he went in with a stocking over his face and a toy gun by the way. It was later found out it was to be a toy gun. But after the robbery he left with about $503. What? And went home to his home in Williamsville and was greeted by Amherst police, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the judge, uh, sentenced him to two months in a hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he, he went to the hospital for two months. Within six months of the robbery, he was back on the air at WGI. No. No. Yes. Because he was found guilty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through temporary insanity, there was public outcry and public sympathy and management recognized that and said, due to public sympathy, we are going to give him his job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta do something kinda cool, I think, too, like a cool mask, you know? Yeaah. Do like a purge mask, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What am I gonna take action for a bank robber? No way. I would take action if the bank teller was a babe. That's the only circumstance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you wanna know why I think Frank Benny is a genius by the way? Why? Because it was a win-win situation for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought, he, by the way, he was a crazy gambler. He was in debt to the mafia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he got away with it and got money, he could then pay the people back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he didn't get away with it, it was high profile enough where the mafia couldn't fuck with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are, there are theories that say that he was thinking that going in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, yeaah, the guys that I used to work for, they have tapes of him. Cassette tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From when they were working on the same station late in this man's career, where he is just blasted on the air. I love it, it's so fucking hilarious. Who, this guy? Yes, cause he would drink on the air after, once after a while, you know, and he'd just be on the air like, oh we got 75 degrees and, oh shit, you know, like he'd shit his pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have no evidence to support or... Nothing, it's just all what's in your head. It's all theory. Speculation. See, I think the man works so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he is constantly overcompensating. It's either for that small dick, or it's because he can't shake his first failure as a wrestler back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a moment where he, when he debuted as Rocky Maivia, he came out to silence. Not boos, cause boos in wrestling is like, you win. It's the extremes, the cheers and the boos. He came out to just lukewarm reception.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a debut on the big stage? Yes. Oh, okay. His like, debut is like, the blue chipper, rocking my via, and he came out and no one gave a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the mediocre dick on such a frame is disappointing. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it is and it isn't. I mean, it is and it can't do it. It just, it's like, it stays hard, it's there, it's acting appropriately, except for the fact that it just has no punctuation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I gotta basically get myself to that point and then like hope that she can finish it off. Open your mouth and your eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No more cloth wipes that we have in the house. We've been using them for more than five years. Using cloth wipes saves us $20 a month. Over a year then that is $240.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I watch the fuck out of Instagram, right? Yea. I want to know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime I've posted anything related to you, my comments will be flooded with a language that's like fucking orc language. Like mom, Jean, Jean, so I've just, okay, so can we go through


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a glossary for the uninitiated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they put... Is there stuff that you guys go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's not do this on the show. This is just for us still. This is just for the house. I don't know. It's not really, why would you throw it away like that? Throw it away on your relationship. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other people's, just you do, you've made a, you'll take other people's phrases and make, you'll build a fucking castle around them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like bikes is like bikes being the best example where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a million of those and I would never think to explain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were different. Oh yeaah. So, like, the dudes were different and they didn't, they didn't have hooks. They didn't have hooks. This guy. Honestly. No, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, bikes, uh, alright, so let's just go with the, who's Randy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We almost did a sketch on Chapelle Show based around a hook from Real Sports. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vijay Singh, the golfer, who's like, uh, Indonesian, uh, had beef with his caddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he drinks and then he goes, he comes to work smelling of drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that mostly, yeah. Like that was, uh, we would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was more like, like the real world, I'm trying to think of like, the blind white supremacist thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was Chappelle's grandfather was blind and super light skinned. So the day Martin Luther King got shot, he was on a bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he heard these black dudes like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was great. Yeah, that was like under, like it was like. Yeah, mixed it low. Yeah. I mixed it nice and low. That was great. Um, yeah, like, uh, the real world was a thing. Oh my god, that was great too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, Chappelle was on the phone with him when it happened, so like, we'd always sort of thought about the real world as like, they just make black dudes look bad, and then we figured like, we'll do the reverse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we would, no, we would like literally sit in a room together. And type it up. Yea, like type type type type, you go. Type type type type, you go. Like it wasn't like, uh, I think people see it as like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either Dave's the genius and I'm his typist or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the, like, or I'm, like, tell Dave what to do, and it's like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or were both funny? I don't know. Could that be possible? No. Not possible. One of you has. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, I work, I met him when I worked at the door of the comedy club in New York, Boston Comedy Club, like in the early 90s. I was going to school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother's a comic so I was working, I like got a job working the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, he basically, like, he would bring me around, but like in the 80s, in the late 80s, like so. The cool thing was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Romano got fired, and I remember thinking, all of us were like, how is Ray gonna make a living? Right. Like, he's got kids. Like, and then, but we were all like, he's really fucking funny. Yeaah. So. He pulled it together. He figured it out. Yeaah. Uhm, but uh, but so I knew, like me and Chabel were the only young guys in J-More.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and like these guys, Red Johnny and the Round Guy, they were like, they were a comedy team. John DiMaggio does, uh, he's the voice of, uh, like a bunch of cartoons, like he does. He does like, uh, he was on, uh, Futurama. He's like the robot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I moved out here to write for like Singled Out on MTV and all that on Nickelodeon. And then me and Chappelle, we're still always friends. We wrote Half Baked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, like, stopped funding the movie. Like, he was fucked up. Like, he wasn't going well. Like, that was a disaster for him. But Half-Baked is like, wow, people love it, yeaah. They love it, man. But, uh, but yeaah, like. Horrible box office? Horrible. Opened against Titanic. Oh shit. Uh, GoldenEye, Good Will Hunting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your garbage. I, cause I remember, I went to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I'm, I'm gonna tell stories that make me sound like I'm a million years old. I went to the Bowfinger premiere. Yeah. And, uh, and it was, a Universal movie was later, it was like the same year as Epic, and the head of Universal looked at me like, you're a fucking retarded piece of garbage.


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[Assistant] And, uh, and it's just, they, it's this, they act like they didn't have anything to do with it. They act like- Right, it's your fault. It's, I would say it's like Mission Impossible, where like, if this fails, there's no record. They, they act like they had, they just divorced themselves completely.


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[Assistant] I met, I'm a fucking, all human beings are good at is remembering faces. Like the fact that you're acting like,


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[Assistant] Did we meet? Like, shhh, shut it. And I always like if someone, I feel like they're gonna act like we didn't meet, I'll be like, hey man, we met.


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[Assistant] Uhm, some, uh, yeaah, so, uh, the, uhm, yeaah, so that's how I knew Dave.


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[Assistant] He was, his career was fucked up after how big, I felt bad.


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[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeah, he done like, well that was the thing, he kept doing like these fucking sitcoms.


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[Assistant] But it was called that from the beginning, which I think he knew I'm going to be doing a lot of these fucking pilots. And he did pilots, again, how old I am. He was doing a pilot. I remember him doing a pilot and me talking and during the LA riots. What? Really? Yes.


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[Assistant] He was, we were 19, 18. Jesus Christ. First of all, hold on. Just out of high school.


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[Assistant] That's, it really is the, like, when I met Obama, I wasn't nervous, cause I'd met Eddie Murphy. Do you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] So me and Jamel were at Eddie's house like 3 years ago or something. Shitty house? Oh what a piece of shit. Well the first time we went to his house was like 12 years ago and uh, well we went to the, we went to Bubble Hill, we went to the Jersey one.


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[Assistant] Uh, I mean I, literally I could just spend 20 minutes just talking about it. Sometimes me and Rock will just talk about how famous and great Eddie Murphy was. For like chunks, like where we'll just stop and be like. Anybody in our age range, he is like, you can't.


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[Assistant] So we were at Eddie's house and Eddie, he just smokes weed all the time. Eddie does? Yea.


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[Assistant] They were watching TV and Eddie said, I'm gonna be famous. And Charlie said, what's famous? That's how fucking like, yeah, destined it was. Now the other greatest destiny Murphy story is so a psychic


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[Assistant] Uh, one of the Murphy family went to a psychic. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.


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[Assistant] Do I need to wait for it? No, no, no, no. Okay, one of the, uh, one of the Murphy family in like the sixties went to a psychic and the psychic said, someone in your bloodline is going to be world famous. Wow.


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[Assistant] That generation of Murphys all started taking tap dancing lessons, and singing lessons, and like acting class and all this shit, and then one of their kids was Eddie.


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[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, like, and then he was like, and then it was like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, so he came out like, like re- like, he'd said, watching TV, he's like, I'm gonna be on there, I'm gonna be famous.


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[Assistant] So good. Oh, the thing about Eddie is, he's like, he, the story, as the story goes, like, he may have written, I'm gonna get you sucker, and was like, I don't wanna do it, throw it away. And Keenum was like, I'll do this shit. Yeah. Like that, I don't know if that's true enough, but uhm, so the story I was gonna tell about Eddie was, we're at Eddie's house, and uh,


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[Assistant] I don't smoke weed, but like David has his own joint, like you just get your own joint. And uh, Eddie was like, yeah man, Obama was real cool to me. And uh, and there's a picture of Obama meeting Eddie and Obama is like,


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[Assistant] Oh, like Eddie Murphy, you can't even, you can't contextualize how big and important he was. You just can't. Like he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a titan.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was, the night at his house, we were like, me and Tate were just like,


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[Assistant] We were literally bugging him. Like, come on Eddie, do stand up. Dave was literally like, might as well have gotten like, come on mister. Like, come on, do stand up. And, uh, and I was asking him questions. He's like, you know how long you been doing stand up? And I was like, meh, like, this is like, I guess four years ago. I was like, eh, it's seven years. And he goes, oh, that's why you asked me all these fucking questions.


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[Assistant] And he's like, seven years I had done, uh, Delirious. And I was like, yeah, but that's come on man. Like that's not even, that's not even seven years in. That's not even a real, that you can't judge. He might've done raw by at seven. I don't even know. Cause he was young.


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[Assistant] You saw all the, yea, all the offspring and that's, and also Pryor, I mean he's doing Pryor, uh, the, the,


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[Assistant] Eddie, Eddie's, he's so fucking good. I was talking when Cosby got sentenced, um, Chappelle and Rock called me back to back. Like both of them fucking legitimately sad. Like,


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[Assistant] Sad? Sad, yeah. Like, like I was sad. Like I felt bad for them. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah. And, uh, like to see a hero. Yeah. Like I, I, I met Bill Cosby again, this is how old I am, at Arsenio.


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[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah. You look good man. You look really good. Thank you very much. You're tall. Uhm, and uh, at Arsenio, and uh, he was an asshole, and I knew I could really


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[Assistant] I knew, he literally was like, and then the white man, he goes, the Dutch man, and I was like, I'm not Dutch, and he's like, and he like stood by, I was like, okay, uhm, but uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, the history, so whatever. So, uh, so, so those guys both called me, both sad, and uhm. Hey wait, what do you think of this?


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[Assistant] So, so those guys were both sad and, uh, and me and Rock were talking about, about how good Cosby was and he's like, he goes, uh, Cosby was so fucking good.


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[Assistant] He goes, everyone is doing a prior impression. I'm doing it. Dave's doing it. Eddie did it. Keenan, Damon, fucking Kevin Hart. Everyone is doing a prior impression and no one even bothered doing a cosmic impression because they knew how good he was. And then I was like, and also,


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[Assistant] Nobody thought there was any pussy in it. Boy, were we wrong.


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[Assistant] We're still, but the thing I said on Charlamagne's show last week was like, uh, cause I'm a lieutenant of black culture. You are. Yes, I saw that on Instagram. Thank you very much. You and see the guy, Lennard? Lennard, uh, Charlamagne, there was a new one, there was a new one. Oh, there's a new one, okay.


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[Assistant] But yea, like people think that, the thing I was saying, tell me if you agree with this, you're, I'm a comic before I'm a man or white man.


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[Assistant] And that's the thing that people don't understand, it's like, so if Louis says the n-word, he doesn't, it's not even fucking...


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[Assistant] Anna was on YouTube for a decade. Yeah, no, but that's regular people talking about it. And that's the thing they don't understand, it's like,


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[Assistant] Like, they, it's not even, it's just a thing, like, like Chris is a black, I don't, he's not,


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[Assistant] Chris and Dave aren't fucking, I don't go, hello black. I go like, it's a comedian calling me. It's not a fucking black man. Put on, Neil, put on your black man.


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[Assistant] 30 seconds last week, and there's four hooks in it.


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[Assistant] Really? It's fucking amazing, like, I've said this on, uh, that the average black dude on the street is funnier than the average white middle.


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[Assistant] Pretty true. I'd put black ladies in that too. But, uh, but, yeah, like, yeah, so the guys thought, I've had cab drivers say shit. Oh yeah. Like, I had a cab driver, black cab driver in New York one time trying to say that someone passed out. And he goes, and they get in the back, they lock up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wanna hear that kind of shit. Alright, so uhm, how much time we got? Yeah. Alright, let me see if I can get this in. Exactly. Uh, yeah, so uh, so, so Eddie fucking is, is like an amazing dude and, and uh, It's crazy that you've hung out with him. I know, I'm so jealous. I hug him.


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[Assistant] The first time, the second, alright, so the first time we went to his house, I think the first time we showed him, maybe we showed him, Rick James?


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[Assistant] And I know, but I don't know if that was the first thing, but whatever. So uhm, we, the second, then, then we went again, like during a snowstorm.


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[Assistant] And me, Dave and Charlie went and Dave went to smoke outside. I think Charlie went to use the bathroom. So I'm just in Eddie's kitchen in Jersey by myself.


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[Assistant] You know how rich people are. And uhm, and uh, I'm eating soup and Eddie like comes in, you know when you like enter a room, like you don't think anyone's going to be in there? Like, so he comes like, kind of does one of those things, like with a, wearing a robe and his wife Nicole at the time is with him. And uh, and I'm in, I'm just eating soup and he's like, hi, what's up? And he goes, hi, Nicole, did you meet Neil? And I was just like, how the fuck do you know my, like,


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[Assistant] It's fucking mind blowing that he even knows, and now he'll like make a point of like, oh Neil, like, it's crazy. Even to hear him say my name in Eddie Murphy voice is insane. Just that he gets it right, that he's not like, you guys know Phillip? Yea, like you know Neil Brenner? Like there's, he knows who I am and like he knows.


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[Assistant] I introduced, did Tom tell you where I introduced him to Chris Rock?


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[Assistant] You can't get out, he will never break that hold over you.


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[Assistant] You should put that up, that's so fucking it. You ever see Sebastian's first spot at the store? No. It's on one of his DVDs. It is? Yeaah. I don't know if it's on, uh,


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[Assistant] I don't know if he put it on YouTube, but the funny thing is, not that different than what he's like now. It's kinda the same ideas of like, what's with the roof, car, I don't even know what the bits were about, but like.


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[Assistant] Hicks, I can't, I literally can't even watch him because I will just do him for a week. Like I can't, I can't watch it because I will start.


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[Assistant] Cause once you see it, then you can imagine them what it was like from their point of view. And then you, when you're on stage and then you have that point of view, then you start thinking like them and it's like, I think it's good that I never moved.


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[Assistant] The fucking, the crazy thing is I was, this is, I've known Attelle since puberty. My voice was changing and I modeled it after my brother and Attelle.


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[Assistant] Like my, like, kind of like, well, it's, you know how when you're like, uh, and you're kind of like, you can kind of adjust it a little bit? Sure. I model it after a tail in my brother. Like, that's how fucking deep his, his claws are. Like, I just did it before. He's still so funny.


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[Assistant] No, she came in, but I made her watch a Tell special from, oh, the half hour from like 99 or whatever. Like, it's got the fucking 60 fucking great jokes in a row.


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[Assistant] How influential he was. Ugh. Like, it's, you can't, it's crazy. Puppies! Puppies! Pee-oo uppies!


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[Assistant] I don't like fart jokes, but I feel like I want to write it down, hand it to you. I saw a clip of you farting on the air. Yeaah. I regret it. Why?


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[Assistant] It was fine. It was like a good intro fart. It was just like, yeah, if you're going to christen it. I would have loved to christen it with like a major fart. You know Jordan Rubin? Yeah. He used, I don't know if he still does it, he used to record all of his farts. All of them? And he would name them.


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[Assistant] Model was like cool, interesting, funny. I'm so excited. It's like better read than me.


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[Assistant] It's more that, uh, it's not, it's more my guy, they have to keep up with my guy friends.


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[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? Like, they have to keep up with, uh,


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[Assistant] Like the, and my girl, like they, my, all of my friends are fucking hilarious and interesting. Smart guys, funny guys. Yeah, they're all, and the women are all smart.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, and then like, you know, and then the women that I'm friends with are like Whitney, Schumer, Michelle Wolf. Like, fucking. Brilliant.


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[Assistant] Ellen, like fucking funny mother, funny, interesting. I'm not like friend, friends with Ellen, but like, like, like people that I talk to pretty, so that's the bigger issue is like.


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[Assistant] I'm, and, and now I'm, um, I just, I, I was, I was compromising a lot and now I'm like, I, if you want to come into my life, here's what it is.


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[Assistant] It's successful. I like what I like. I know why I don't like the things I don't like. This is great. So if you want in, here's how it's going to be. And if you are not, then I have, I'm not compromising because I'd rather be alone.


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[Assistant] The rewards of a partner are not worth the cost a lot of the time.


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[Assistant] And I don't cheat, I'm not a piece of shit, like I'm not, I just don't, like, and I say to my girlfriend, I'm like, so you're not mad at me? And she's like, no, why would I be mad at you? And I'm like, every girlfriend I've ever had is just mad at me all the time. But she's Russian, so cold, she's from Siberia. Oh, Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] No, she's like, I've never had a boyfriend even ask me if I- Do they feel anything? And she did one thing that was like, uh, fucked up, and I was like, alright, well we're gonna break up.


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[Assistant] And she just started crying and was like, I'm sorry, I will never do that again. Yeah. And it wasn't like even that fight, it was just like, she made a scene about some dumb shit. And then it was like, oh I need, she had told me she had like really bad. You know why she did that? I'll tell you.


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[Assistant] 10 children. That's really crazy. It is really crazy. Yeah. You're number 10? Yeah. God damn. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] Uh, and, uh, yeah, ten kids, it's like growing up in a, in a fucking...


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was lucky because as the youngest you get like extra, like, everyone sort of looking. But number six and five, right? They're like... Yeah, it's like, it's a mixed bag in terms of like who...


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[Assistant] Who, uh, not who succeeded, but like, who was


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[Assistant] It's more generational, like I'm from a generation of like, I went to therapy, I take medication. I'm like, I think mental health is like an actual thing.


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[Assistant] Taking it? That thing that's working for you? That thing that's working for you, that like your life's half over. Like yeaah, I'm gonna keep take, like, but they still see it as like,


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[Assistant] Ever. Like my mom is, my mom, my dad's one of thirteen.


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[Assistant] His parents were Irish immigrants. Like my, his, his dad was like, uh, like elevator, uh, like I don't fucking, just some blue collar. My dad was born in 1930. Jesus. Like in the like, the height of the, and it's a boy, like. You're still around? No. No. Um, and uh,


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[Assistant] So, like yeaah, we're like living in outer space from what their life is. And so even, so my mom actually kinda said like, you gotta give it a rest with this accountability shit. She didn't say that exactly, but it was sort of like,


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[Assistant] She, I have a bunch of fucking jokes and she came to my show and it was like, I'm literally fuck the stool. And I'm just like, my mom's like, I don't know what to. Oh for, oh my god, I can't believe you've been playing.


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[Assistant] I like, I mean, I, I, I, to me it's, you know when you have like a good batch? Yea. I think it's a good batch. And it was filmed in Montreal? Yes, Montreal. Thanks for spelling it M-U-N. But you also have other specials.


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[Assistant] Which was a big hit. A lot of people really really liked the mics. Oh yeaah. Fantastic. That was when I stopped being Dave's buddy. Right.


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[Assistant] It was the first time people were like, oh, okay. You do your own thing. Oh, okay.


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[Assistant] I had another one before that. I had one for Comedy Central. Called? Women and Black Dudes. Women and Black Dudes. Uhm, which, uh, made it sound like some weird white supremacy thing. It was just, that's what the jokes were about.


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[Assistant] John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. John was the producer. They're just my friends I love. They're great.


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[Assistant] Uh, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, and you're like, alright, I'm getting a little tight. Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. Oh my god. So like, Queen Chrissy.


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[Assistant] Oh, did she? Did she say anything nice about it?


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[Assistant] Are we gonna talk about the Brad Pitt thing? The Brad Pitt thing? Do you know about the Brad Pitt thing? No. Yea you do, I heard Adam told you.


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[Assistant] I don't, all I know is what you know. Brad Pitt said that his favorite comics right now are me, Tom, Jim Jeffries, and Pilfer.


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[Assistant] Uh, me and Dave and Chris get our picture taken in front of the step and repeat.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, yeah, that wouldn't, they wouldn't enjoy that. Yeah. Uh, especially someone you respect. Uhm, so...


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[Assistant] Yep. Uhm, the, I, Real Sports, one of the greatest shows ever. Yeah. I don't like the handicap stories.


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[Assistant] He did. Now what? The fella said what? Uhm, uh, he- He's gonna make a pussy trip? He- Okay! Boy oh boy! Uh, same reason we do, uh, extreme sports, like parkour. I haven't known a joke about parkour.


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[Assistant] I worked with him last year on a, uh, uh, for his rec for his album, uh, the 444 album with the OJ song and all that stuff. I made like a documentary about kind of just black dudes.


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[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, I don't, they wanted, I was low on the list, but like, I'm on the list, so, uh, so he played me the album.


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[Assistant] In his studio, and I don't know if you've ever been- To JJ's studio? Or any hip hop studio- Did you say JJ's?


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[Assistant] Uh, no, I don't think so. No, he's a j- Uhm, he- any hip-hop studio, it is so fucking loud that it's like, guys- Do you kinda wanna go with guys? Like, you can't- Ear drums, guys! Like, I'm not- come on.


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[Assistant] They play, yes. And I've been in, I've been in ones where I had to leave, like where I'm just like, oh, I'm not going to do this. I've covered my, like I'll just do whatever. And, uh, and I made him turn it down. You did.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and, uh, played the record and then I like, uh, and then, played me the record, and then, it was always very vague, and then basically I ended up like, interviewing a bunch of, uh, black dudes about the themes of the record. But it was like, I interviewed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maturity and like, and cheating and knowledge. So, interviewed Jay, interviewed Will Smith, interviewed Rock, interviewed, uh,


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[Assistant] Mahershala. I would call that top notch blacks. Yes, the tops, the top blacks.


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[Assistant] Did you even consider for a second doing a joke where like the album ends and you're like,


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[Assistant] He did, he played me the OJ song and I was like, I can't wait to see you do that on Carpool Karaoke.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but uh, but yeaah, so I know him a little bit. But like, it was, that was like a professional thing. Like, that was a more professional thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I, you know what's funny about that R. Kelly documentary? All of it, it's hilarious. Thanks. Uhm, is, uh, every, even the women that he, like, abused, like, he locked her in a safe.


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[Assistant] Every single one of them said they sang, every single one of them, everyone said the same thing, sang like an angel. One couldn't read well.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's almost like, uh, handicapping yourself. Like you just get so much. Right. You're so attracted to women that you're like, you know what?


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[Assistant] So he's illiterate and he's the victim of sexual molestation at a young age. So in essence, he is precious.


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[Assistant] Hundreds of people, but he- no one invent- someone at some point invented molesting kids.


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[Assistant] But everyone since then, for the most part, had it done to them and then they did it. And it's like...


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[Assistant] It's fucking sad and sick, but like, you feel bad, I feel bad for the person. I mean, not like I actually feel bad for R. Kelly, but.


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[Assistant] They weren't, and then, but time passed, and there were no new allegations, and what you hear, if- The adamant defenses. If the choices-


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[Assistant] Take a moral inventory or listen to fucking Thriller. I'm gonna listen to Thriller every time.


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[Assistant] Uh, but like, yea, so when time passes and people go, that's what you remember, you remember the fucking. Right. Showbiz is full of fucking monsters. Scumbags. Yeah. Like, there aren't very many in comedy anymore. Like, people that we all know is like a real fucking piece of garbage that's like, the top people are not.


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[Assistant] Burr's not garbage, Dave, Chris, like these guys are not garbage. Like, Jim Jeffries, Tom Segura, Neil Brennan. I mean, according to Brad Pitt. We're doing Brad's List only. Brad's List only? Oh, sorry. Oh, we looked in the list.


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[Assistant] Well, that's the thing where people are like, are you, uh, worried about the, where do you feel bad about the R. Kelly thing? It's like, Rick James was a convicted sex offender. Yeah. So like, I don't know what to tell you.


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[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh, holding a woman captive and burning her with a crack pipe. Jesus. It's atrocious.


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[Assistant] But that sketch is fucking hilarious.


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[Assistant] It is a hilarious sketch. It forgives what he did. About a monster. And we say at the end, Rick, you are forgiven for all of your crimes. So, uh, yeaah, showbiz is a monster, but I think it's less and less.


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[Assistant] I think, I think it's less, I think it's less like, like it used to be like, Jesus, like that type shit, like drugging. Bill Cosby drugged. Crazy. Sixty women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That art, that came forward. 60. That's insane, man. That's a lot.


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[Assistant] You know when a girl says something where you know she talked to me and you're like, what's that now? And I'm like, what? And she's like, oh yea, no, I know, I know Mr. Cosby. And I was like, what are you talking about? And she's like, oh, like one day I was on the street crying.


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[Assistant] And he came up next to me, and he like said what's the matter, and he befriended me, and he took me to, uh, we went to a play one time, and uhm, and then, and I'm like, you know I'm just trying to fuck you.


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[Assistant] And this is in like 04 or 05 and she's like, no, please, like, and then one time he, I was supposed to come to Philadelphia and I got sick.


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[Assistant] He, his wife was in on it and just all this shit like, then it was like all this shit of like, oh, so all it took was a bit of like,


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[Assistant] I don't even like, she snapped to him and was like, oh yea, he was, yea, why would any guy, guys are not nice to women for no reason. Absolutely. Well, here's the deal though. Under any circumstances.


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[Assistant] He wants to have sex with you. I know, it's terrible. And actually the funny thing is the flip side is that- Allie Wong always says like, Neil, you have like all these like, antique views of women, like, like, I'm like, men and women kinda aren't friends, and she's like, I'm friends with so many guys, I'm like, I don't know, Allie. Like, I'm sure she is, but I don't think I'm, uh, I have like, antiquarian views.


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[Assistant] In a way, that's the dream. That's the dream life. I mean honestly.


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[Assistant] I'm not a, I'm not a, uh, uh, uh, career, like I'm not, if a girl likes me, I'm not gonna be like, no, you shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing that like, when I was single, like, I couldn't even, I'd be like, oh I can't, I would FaceTime women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can get a sense of like, oh I don't want to spend another fucking second having to listen to you. I remember taking out, I took out one box of heroin time where


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[Assistant] It was like. Is that the most offensive thing you could call her? No, I could probably go. I think box of hair is up there. It's up there. I mean, there's not a lot. You think that's offensive? Box of hair is so, first of all, it's nonsense, which that's part, that's why I was in there. I'm right there. But box, I mean, it's just, it's so disrespectful, but it's wonderful.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, I, there, no sex is worth this. Oh, yeah. Like, it's not worth, like, you can't, after a certain age, you're like, I can't, the rest of your body, the parts of your body that's not dick are like, we're not putting up with this. Well, this is how bad this was. Well, that's interesting.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I did the Raya. Okay. And I did the, uh, the


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[Assistant] Tinder. And what's your lead photo? But the big one, I mean I would get a lot of income, I don't do any outcome, but a lot of incoming on Instagram.


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[Assistant] Uh, 40 black women in my DMs. Really? Yeah. Every time. You're that cool white guy.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, so, so, yeah, with just girls like straight up hitting on you. Which is great. Good for you. Well, I'm sure you do too, but you just ignore it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's how girls will just, it's like Burr's joke about like having Nia hit on him. Remember that joke? He did a joke about like Nia was making fun of a guy having no game. And Burr was like, alright, hit on me. No, go. Fucking hit on me. And she went like,


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[Assistant] Hiiiii. And he's like, is that your fucking, like, and it's fucking hilarious. But yeah, girls are bad at it.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. But someone will just be like, you're really super fine and might wanna... But see, I'll get a lunatic, is what I'm saying.


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[Assistant] Also, you should DM him. Why don't you DM him once in a while? Keep it fucking interesting. Yeah. Oh, oh, wait. Why don't you slide up in my DM? Is that what this is called? Yeah, sliding in the DM. Stop texting me. Get off this app, get on another app.


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[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life.


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[Assistant] You are so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. You're gorgeous, you're precious.


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[Assistant] And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex.


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[Assistant] Let's go full throttle. Oh yeaah. I could see me falling in love with you. You just, I don't know, I just looked in your eyes and I just melt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what's up. I've got a couple new shows to announce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jew shows. Here we go. I'm coming to Wellmont, the Wellmont Theater in Montclair, New Jersey. Oh. Uh, November 15th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tickets go on pre-sale on Wednesday, uh, June 13th, 10am. The code word is CHAMP. C-H-A-M-P. Bullshit. And then the general on sale begins Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens, yes, this week, so. Also, adding a show.


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[Assistant] In Orlando, at the Hardcock Live, uhm.


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[Assistant] 9.30. The late show. The first show is nearly sold out. That's November 3rd. So if you're in Orlando, Florida, you didn't get tickets the first time around, I'm coming for a second show. November 3rd at the Hard Rock Live. Uh, and by the way, next week I will also announce another new show. Uhm,


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[Assistant] Where else am I gonna be? Uh, shows are now on sale in Fort Myers, Florida. On sale in Augusta, Georgia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] West Palm, Florida is on sale. Breast Balls Beach. What else has tickets? There's some tickets left in, uh, well there was a second show added in Boise. Eugene's almost done. Uh, Ball Sacramento. Fresno. Jesus. Bakersfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All at TomSakura.com. Get your tickets!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tic-cats. Tic-cats. Your tit-cats, Jean. Uhm, that's it. Thank you to both of our sponsors and welcome to this episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the great Pomcasts. If you're looking for, uhm, enlightenment, uhm, this is where academics...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some of the world's leading scientists are downloading at this very moment with you to find out what's going on in the world of astronomy and medicine.


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[Assistant] There's a lot to talk about. Alright, here we go. Oh wait.


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[Assistant] Alright, I don't know why that went that way, but. Home man out. Home man out. Uh. God, his mouth looks like it stinks. Uh, poor guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This look, yeaah. This guy is like, I wanna comb your grandmother's hair. Fuuuck.


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[Assistant] And by the way, this is also a guy, this is who I see as being like, hi Christina, good morning.


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[Assistant] And then like a door shuts and he's like, did you comb your hair yet?


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[Assistant] That's a lot of pressure on the video.


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[Assistant] I don't know what's coming. For people that don't know, 98% of the time,


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[Assistant] I don't know, but I'm just expecting like the next part. He's like, and then I'll smash her fucking skull.


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[Assistant] So, it's so scary. You know what's even scarier? Imagine if this guy is actually, uh, let's say just a really nice guy. He's like, hey, was that a funny video?


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[Assistant] Like his son was like, make a viral video or something. He's like, I made this one about combing your grandmother's hair. And I was like, nooo. Red really wrong. Red real scary.


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[Assistant] I don't know why. How is that the whole video? It doesn't feel like it's the whole video.


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[Assistant] Blue band, send me the rest of this fucking video.


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[Assistant] That was pretty wild. For people that, most people obviously were not at that show, it was in downtown Las Vegas, right on Fremont Street, at a bar there, normally a musical venue.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but they built a special, you know, set for the stage.


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[Assistant] And then, yeah, Monika went up, did great, then you are in the wings, ready to go.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I don't know what's happening.


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[Assistant] Thank god they taped two shows. Every show I feel like. Every time I tape something.


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[Assistant] It's the second show. Yeah, for sure. And you end up, you always end up, it's funny cause you go, it's all about the second show. You always end up using something from the first show. You don't remember at the time, but when you watch the cut, you're like, oh, actually that was how I like it more. But the, usually, I don't know, like the vibe and the energy is always better on the second show.


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[Assistant] Brought back the memories of when we lived in, uhm, Koreatown, downtown adjacent here.


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[Assistant] If you don't know what a kicky footer is, it's a somebody who is in a wheelchair, uhm, but they have the use of their legs and the way that they move the chair around is they kick their, they kick.


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[Assistant] They kick you foot, they push and then they back up and sometimes they go forward with their feets and you go, oh, you just feel like sitting and they're like, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I did the golden nugget and, uh, you know, these Vegas...


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[Assistant] Palastation or leans, I did the sands before it was gone, I did the riv before it was gone.


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[Assistant] So you arrive Monday and you do one show a night until Saturday, you do two shows Saturday. And, uh, I really thank God that I don't have the gambling gene.


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[Assistant] I remember when the, one of the, one of the calls I got one time was, uh, Hey, do you want to do, uh, it's one of these festivals, you know, it would have been like moon tower or one of these festivals. And I go.


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[Assistant] Well, what's the, like, what's the deal? And they're like, well, it's not a great offer, but it's like a great hang. And I go, excuse me? He's like, well, you know, like all your friends will be there. And I was like, I don't care.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you party, I go, I don't fucking party. And they're like...


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[Assistant] So you don't want to do it? No, I don't want to do it. I want to do like a regular show. I don't care if it's a festival involved.


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[Assistant] No, I know. None of those things. They're like, you're gonna hang? No?


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[Assistant] I've never seen, I had two crazy phone things in two weeks in hotels. So, in Vegas, we're, we get back, we order too much food,


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[Assistant] You know, congratulations, big win, you know, great special.


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[Assistant] Finally she goes to bed, I go, I'm gonna go to bed too, I'm tired, cause I flew the day before back from Charlotte, then the next day to Vegas, I'm tired. We lay down, I was like on cue.


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[Assistant] The phone, which is sitting on the nightstand of this nice hotel, goes...


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[Assistant] A minute later. So then, I'm like, well what's happening with this phone? I just try to like, fix it every...


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[Assistant] 45 seconds or so, it keeps going on. Then I try to unplug it, it's like sealed.


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[Assistant] And then I start telling them, I'm like, here's what's happening with the phone. They're like, okay, we'll try to get some. I go, no, no, no, no. I was like, you have to send somebody now. I'm going crazy right now.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm telling you, at my full strength, like, you know, I mean, I didn't try to violently do it, but I was like, oh, this is not like a regular plugin. Like this, you know what I mean? Like it's not a...


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[Assistant] It's not a regular phone line. It was like actually like, I don't know, sealed in there somehow. Christina managed from the bed, seven and a half months pregnant. She just got bam. And like the phone went flying off and I go, uh, yeah, just send them up.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, and that whole ordeal by the way was, that was like a 25 minute ordeal.


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[Assistant] I have no idea what could make a fucking phone do that.


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[Assistant] It's dial tone would just come through the speaker like every minute.


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[Assistant] Oh, I ordered and then she's like, is that it? I go, yeah. And she goes, okay, we'll be up in like 30 minutes. I go, thanks gambling jeans. And she, I thought she had already had, she goes, she laughed. They called her gambling jeans.


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[Assistant] I spent $40, by the way, uhm, on the slots. I was walking through the floor.


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[Assistant] And I went up to 65 and I was like, mmm. You did? When? When I went down there and then...


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[Assistant] I took that money, I put it in another machine, and I lost it in like five spins.


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[Assistant] Somebody wanted to send you this. Check this out. Great. They have a little clap back on you. Terrified.


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[Assistant] Brennan and Taylor here, just want to point out that me, Taylor, the female, bought this shirt the first time it was mentioned. Also must mention, I bought Brennan's rub rub rub shirt as well. All my idea, female idea, so take it Dr. Drew.


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[Assistant] They're getting, uh, they're getting, they're engaged, they're getting married very soon. Uh, congrats. Congratulations. They asked if you have any marriage advice.


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[Assistant] No, I think they already have, I mean, they look happy, uhm, they have obviously a shared sensibility. I know what it is. What is it? Keep making each other laugh. You gotta, don't take yourself too seriously.


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[Assistant] Okay, we show the haircuts. Uhm, always, you as the man always should cut her hair in style and color her hair. Uhm, you should do her makeup, you should do her eyebrows.


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[Assistant] You know, you should, uh, don't take her for granted.


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[Assistant] It's always nice to have gratitude. So I think it's nice when people say things like just basic, you know, thank yous. You know what I mean? Like you don't just go like, yeah, of course you fucking made me eggs.


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[Assistant] I would say, only other thing I would say is don't go camping. Fuck camping.


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[Assistant] I hate fuckin' cunt servers.


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[Assistant] I know, with music it's funny because you really, people, some people treat the music they love like it's family. You know, especially if they've been listening for 15, 20, 30 years. It's like saying, hey, your dad sucks.


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[Assistant] Of course not. I think it's funny when someone really gets defensive about the sounds they like to hear. And you having different sounds you like to hear. And they're like, my sounds are the best! And you're like, okay, okay.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. The other one I love about sports is when, when people attack a professional as, uh, they suck. Like they'll be like, LeBron James sucks. And you're like, it's cool. Like he sucks. Like, yeah, like he's okay. I mean, we're talking about,


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[Assistant] You know, objectively, one of the greatest physical freaks of all. You know, just, you can't, you can't accept that. Fuck him. He sucks. He's no good.


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[Assistant] The brokest? I think it was once a month. Cause like when you're like, alright, like this is what, if it was like a little apartment and I think someone would do it for like 50 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because when they're done, you're like, oh yeah, I, I'll never keep it like this. Yeah. Something about having a clean place.


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[Assistant] I think just to spite you, apparently the mommies have taken over the Rogan comment section on his videos, and it is like all rub-rubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, are these all bots that are responding to it? Try it out right now, right now, right now. Uh, Peyton Lafferty. Take 10 or 12 Benadryl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is hilarious. So, it's very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said, uh, hey mommies, first I want to say that Dr. Drew podcasts are by far my favorites. His reactions are the best. By the way, I'm going to do his podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm not sure what it's called, I'm doing it Thursday. Uh, I wanted to write in about Dr. Drew saying there's always a man behind the woman.


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[Assistant] And that is not always the case. I actually submitted a tried out video of my own fruition.


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[Assistant] The day after Tom put his on Instagram because I was so excited, but I'm not sure I sent it correctly.


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[Assistant] Uh, it was actually me trying to get my friends to do it with me, not the other way around. I actually find myself intentionally slipping in the words tried out in conversation so I can chuckle to myself. I love what you do. Your podcast give me laughs. Even in the darkest moments, always keeping it high and tight. Sophia.


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[Assistant] And, uh, uh, please keep sending, uh, those videos in every time you have that idea.


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[Assistant] I'm glad you also snapped me out of it. Cause I was actually zoned out on whatever we were watching. So as soon as you pointed out how bad that was, I did laugh pretty hard. You did, yea. That was some lazy shit. I made that point. Yea, it was real lazy. Yea. Okay, there you go.


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[Assistant] What is this? I don't know what the hell this is.


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[Assistant] No, I didn't. I swear to you. That was just submitted. That was Justin Glasson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Justin Glassen. Looks like the Cissie of Fremont is back with an update.


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[Assistant] 66? I don't look my age as 66. Yea, you look 86. Fuck, man.


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[Assistant] That goddamn Star Wars character, which is I guess what the sound he was making when it started, wasn't he?


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[Assistant] But then I don't know why he always resorts to going aggro. He's like, dress me up.


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[Assistant] That's right. Fuck. He can go anywhere though, it's a nice thing.


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[Assistant] And I don't, I love when somebody looks at me and goes, I don't look my age of 66. That's usually like women who will be like, and I'm actually really.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm put together pretty well and you're like, I like how you make that judgement on you. You're telling everyone.


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[Assistant] Well, yeaah, this is, I mean, I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.


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[Assistant] Did you see this thing that went viral? This, uh, kid talking shit to this guy at a park?


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[Assistant] I don't know how it started, but it looks like the kid is uhm, he said don't talk about my mom or something.


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[Assistant] Actually leaning a grown man and a kid are leaning up against each other. How do you think that kid is? Twelve?


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[Assistant] You know, assess the situation and either restrain yourself from punching when you want to. Certainly don't think you can punch someone bigger than you and not have repercussions.


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[Assistant] Are you going to pee? Alright. Uh, how was your pee?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It's totally unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. I'm not gonna go do this show now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes when they give you a massage and they'll push down, like from your mid back to your lower back. It's like they're showing the fart where to go. Like here's your digestive tract.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That's a quite a outfit. What is that?


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[Assistant] Well here, I know, is there one thing that I know you? I know what puts you in a good mood. We established this yesterday.


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[Assistant] Knowing their sweet spots. There's one thing I know about you. You love music.


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[Assistant] Maybe elementary school, like you can just make sounds, like with your mouth.


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[Assistant] I mean, it would not be at their age. No. No. You're telling me like I was six or something. Yeah. Six.


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[Assistant] Who's that? Who's to his right and behind her. We can't see who it is. Wow. That one was, that was my, that was actually the best one yet.


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[Assistant] Well, that's a good question. I mean, I think I hated the hand bone guy more. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But I think now that I've spent some time in the scat world,


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[Assistant] I think I could at least get lost in the fact that he does movement. And uhm, I know, but they were terrible.


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[Assistant] I really hate going to something that long. It's too, it's too much. It's too much. Too, too much.


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[Assistant] Uhm, this I know also, you'll enjoy this on the way.


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[Assistant] Out of the show here, we gotta wrap up here soon. We gotta go to that meeting soon.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it sounds like it, but also it sounds like she needs help. Like she's like, will you talk to him? I don't think they're like, we're going to arrest him. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Yeah. God bless the police. I mean those are good cops right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By Logan Stake, one's called You're Not an Anomaly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Piss on me, here it is. We'll play the other one next week. We'll do the next one next week. Uhm, thanks for listening. We gotta run. We gotta go to this thing. Now try it out. We gotta try it out. Love you guys. Thanks for listening. Love you mommies. Bye Jean.


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[Assistant] Fuck them. I need, I need to be fucked a lot, man. Get free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or, uh, you're a thug. Wanna cum? Fuck them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he, uh, you know, he would cut, cut a little hole, and he would sit there. That's why he used it more. Cause he, he wanted to have, like, scot-sex and I didn't agree with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've made these tails right here. They're not real, don't tell anybody. They take me over four months. I can't stitch them. My tails of art range from $2,900 and a half. I'm like wearing a couture gown. It's like a couture gown, but it's a tail. And you can swim in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sign up for the mailing list because I won't be announcing it. I'll only be doing it via mail at first and then later on you can hear about it. It'll be a special thing. Just letting you know. There's a prompt when you go to the Tor page and you put in your email address. Just letting you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Gene, that added show at Breast Balls Beach is almost gone, so if you didn't get a chance to get tickets to Friday or Saturday, I'm doing one Sunday, August 26th, in Breast Balls Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Improv there, the, uh, second show in Montclair, the one I added on Wednesday, November 14th, is more than half gone, so it's not gonna be around much longer. The third show in Philadelphia that was added is also coming up at about half capacity, and that is November, uh, I believe the 17th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 17th. So, you wanna get them now? Tomscigaro.com slash tour. There's a couple other cities that still have some tickets left. Uh, Farco, no, not Farco, but, um, Fresno. Fresno has some tickets left. Bakersfield,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very few tickets left in the second show in Eugene, and I think Boyz Seed, Idaho, Ball Sacramento. They're all at TomSegura.com slash tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ahhhh man. This made me laugh. Brought back a lot of memories actually. Of your dad. Yea, of course.


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[Assistant] I've thought, why can't I be like this? I mean, I wish I knew this feeling.


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[Assistant] I can't believe I'm laughing. The best part about that, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is my dad laughing at his own thought, like his own joke.


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[Assistant] I wish I could walk on stage and just fucking do this.


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[Assistant] You know what made me really laugh hard? Was that thing I was telling you about, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a conversation in the green room in Brea a couple weeks ago. Josh Potter's with me and one of the servers too came in. And she, we were, the TV was on, I think Tiger was playing and started talking about like, remember his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in this case, it's a nickname, in Brendan's it's his real name.


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[Assistant] So, uh, so, when Tiger was on top of the world, it's like, just how on top of it he was, and then he had all these hoes on the side, like so many hoes, right?


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[Assistant] We were just talking about, you know, imagine, but just like how backed up he was, what he was repressing to act out in the way he was acting out. He had texts like, I can't wait to throat fuck you. Pretty crazy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean golf in general, like that, that image is real straight legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I mean, John Daly was the only guy who was openly like that. But I mean, he also had like some real problems and he also was never nearly as good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tiger is like the best thing we've ever seen. Just dominant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and he was dominant though. I mean, just kicking people's ass every week in this thing. Cause a lot of big time golfers, they'll have, you know, a few big wins in their career where they're competing every week, but like, you know, having like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these majors like week after week, just, just crushing people. Anyway, we're talking about this about imagine them being one of those girls and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't approach me in the lobby, okay? Cause he's a tiger, so he has to maintain all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you're a good ho, you're supposed to be like, of course. Yeah, see you there. But what happened was, I think he started to get, some of them were like, wow, you know. And they're also around somebody who's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like so famous and so rich that I think they start, some of them started to get like, I want, I want more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I want some stuff. I want some stuff too. Yeaah. Anyway, then we start talking about, uh, other well-known people and, uh, like, like OJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine OJ, you know, approaching you now and being like, hey, how you doing sweetie? And you're like, hi.


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[Assistant] She was found not guilty, right? Sure. But a lot of people, I don't know, a lot of people


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[Assistant] No, no, no. Okay. So anyways, she was charged, and...


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[Assistant] She was, I think she was found not guilty, yea. It was found, like, the verdict was greeted with public outrage. But anyways, people...


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[Assistant] I fucking love, uh, some people like love this woman and they really, you know, like she's, she's cuter than


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, you know, most people you find charged with crimes like that?


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[Assistant] She looks good. She looks great. Um, but imagine like, like this one right here. This picture of her. You meet her, you go out on a date with her, right? Maybe you meet her at the vet's office. See? She's carrying her dog, groom her here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, Oh, I got a dog too. And you go out with Casey, you go out on a date and you have a great time on your date and then you have drinks afterwards and you're back at her place. You start making out, things start to go further.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things start to go further and then she unbuckles your pants, she goes down on you and she starts giving you the blowjob of blowjobs. I mean.


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[Assistant] She's spitting on your balls. She's gagging on your dong. She's licking under your balls, like kind of toying with your asshole. And you're like, wow. And then like every time you're like, then she was spits back on. She's doing all types of her tricks. You're like, this is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so O.J.'s on top of you, and he's taking you to pound town. And you're like, Jesus, this guy, for bad hips and knees, he can really throw.


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[Assistant] I guess you're like, well he was not guilty. Like some of your friends are like, you're going out with OJ? And you're like, he's nice. He's not guilty. And then he takes you to like a nice restaurant and then he takes you to like, he drives past Brentwood and he's like, I used to live here but things have been kind of rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but he's got like a, like a different white truck. It's smaller. It's similar.


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[Assistant] It's similar. And he drives you to like, uh, kind of an East Hollywood apartment and you're like, uh huh, okay.


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[Assistant] He's like, ah, Brent was overrated, you know? And then he takes you up there.


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[Assistant] And then he starts doing like, just kind of grown, like you're kind of young, he's doing grown man tricks on you, you know, like just advanced moves, like kind of rocko stuff, like maybe he's, you know what I mean, like pinching your tits a little harder. Ay, ay, ay, Tom. And then he starts- Pinching my tits. Kind of hard. Do you think that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start, you start orgasming and then he, he leans into your ear and you're like, yes, baby, yes. And he's like, I slipped both of them.


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[Assistant] Well, this is my version of these guys' jokes. Right. So, you wanna finish that guy's joke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So he said, uh, um, uh, I'll have a grilled cheese.


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[Assistant] You can even leave out the time and then have the punch be like, I saw the fight, like, the implied.


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[Assistant] Right now. This was completely unplanned. She had no idea. None. I didn't tell her about it. I didn't prep you on this. You just bring that up. Added to the store less than an hour ago. Oh, what is it this time? The piss on me, beat me shirt. Featuring my face. With your mouth open. And some tears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is a pre-sale right now. This is the image that was on my Instagram that did so well, uhm, that we, uh, everyone was like, put this on his shirt. I was like, okay. So great. Yeah, this was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] XHHCreativeX is a 22 year old artist who made this. Um, by the way, I also, it's not for sale yet, but I also sent the design to our sock guy. So hopefully there'll be some piss on me beat me socks. That's exciting.


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[Assistant] Well, this is all, you're throwing all at me.


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[Assistant] By the time I got home, I remembered my past relationship with a Jewish woman and drew from the letter number association in the Hebrew language. So I made the chart of the English alphabet A to Z counting from one to 26, signing each letter a numerical value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] FGT RTD added together is 75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seeing that the sum of FGT RTD was the reverse of the sum YMHP was all the proof I needed that this was indeed a high level puzzle orchestrated by the main mommies. Reinvigorated, I press on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy's minus FGT RTD equals 11. 11 is the value of P, so adding 11 to Y-minus gets you 68, subtracting 11 also gets you 68. Jesus Christ. Now I have demonstrated irrefutably that the relationship between FGT, RTD, and Mommy's- Oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert is definitely F-G-T-R-T-D. Wanna go for it? You go for it.


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[Assistant] Uh, for good time, write to Dean, fat girl to ride the dick. Oh, fuck gays and rape to death? I don't think so.


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[Assistant] Wow. People keep, uh, and then look at this amazing, uh, seagull FGT RTD image created by Evan. Amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so, you know what we were sharing the other day was, uh, courting stories, which made me laugh to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but you have, uh, it's like hooking up with a drunk person, you know? It's like you have, uh, too many advantages over them. Like, you don't know that they can say, no, you're just, you're intellectually superior, you know? You can't do that. Okay. I mean- But what if they're super high?


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[Assistant] Really, it's about what level of...


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[Assistant] Sure. We live it. And then, then there's a, but then there's something where it's.


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[Assistant] I think remembering back to that movie, I feel like he's not your type.


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[Assistant] I don't think it would be a good date. I mean, I don't think you'd have a great date.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good point. I forgot about your box office success after you do this.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think Sling is into some rough shit, personally. Yeaah. Without really knowing much about him. All that whittling and... I mean, he's, I feel like he's pretty rough. Yeaah. I don't think it's gonna be, like, I think Forest is gentle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll slice your tits off. I think Forest is gonna kiss your navel. He's sweet.


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[Assistant] Come over here. He's like, Forest, what are you doing? He's like, sniff, between my cheeks. I ate lots of peas and carrots for lunch. Does it smell like chocolate back there? Do you think, do you think they're sex, it probably was just sweet sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a tough thing to adapt to when people are nice to you sometimes.


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[Assistant] Well, it's the closest that I, there's a time that I definitely thought I had AIDS the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I had one time, uh, a severely disabled person gave me a flower and asked me to be their boyfriend. That's nice. Yeah. And? I didn't know how to handle it at first, so I was volunteering at a school. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the, okay. Oh man, this one, this is fucked up. I feel bad about this one, kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was at a bar on sunset, and this is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My early thin days here in LA. My early thin days. Yeah. And I was just, you know, I wasn't really a bar hopper, but I was, I happen to be out with a friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're at the bar and a woman just approached me and it, here's the thing about bars. It's no joke. You know, they are dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bars at night have favorable lighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I wasn't, I wasn't, I mean, I had maybe a beer or two. I wasn't fucked up. Yeah. And she just approached me and she was like, Hey, blah, blah, blah. And like very forward. And I was like, okay. She asks me for my number. I was like, yeah, all right. Gave her my number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had a small brief conversation and then I split and she called me like either that night or the next day pretty quickly to set up going out Friday or Saturday. And I was like, okay, cool. And I went, I picked her up.


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[Assistant] It was so bad. What I was seeing was so, so bad. I wanted to just be like, I gotta, I have a hernia to go to the hospital.


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[Assistant] I just, I mean, who I saw, I had zero recollection of her looking like this. Really? It was really the lighting.


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[Assistant] She was just nasty. It was, she was, yeah, it was fucking upsetting.


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[Assistant] That's, but I mean I was nice about it, but I was like, mmm, no, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we went to like somebody was having, somebody she knew was having a party somewhere. I just, you know, the whole time I was like, I gotta get out of this. I was trying to be like nice about it. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember there was music playing. You know what I actually remember is that the party that she took me to had somebody DJing.


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[Assistant] And Sister Nancy Bum Bum.


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[Assistant] That's true. Then we went back to her.


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[Assistant] And in my fear to offend, I just stuck it out. Yeaah. I didn't wanna be like, I don't find you attractive.


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[Assistant] Didn't I tell you a couple of- I told you about one girl who-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this was a funny one to me where we were in college and it was like junior year, uhm, and the end of the year was approaching. Oh yeaah, I was hanging out with her and we were in my dorm room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were making out a little bit on my bed and then I just remember getting like a shove and she's like, you're snoring.


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[Assistant] And she left and then she was going home for the summer and she was like, well, I was staying at school. So she was like, it's like four hours apart. She goes, well, you know, here's my number or whatever. Let's cause we went out a couple of times, you know, let's stay in touch this summer and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, maybe see each other and I was like, yeah, cool. And then I just never texted her or called or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then in the fall, she rolled around and she was like, you're an asshole. Like day one. I was like, why? Like you didn't text, call once. And I was like, I mean.