[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she looks great too. I follow her on The Grum. And let me tell you, she's one of these women, she's got three little kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you, she's married to, cause I follow her, a millionaire guy, a businessman. And I know her workout routine cause she's on the gram. Strict diet, exercise plan, three kids. She looks amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yeah, Stuber. Yeah, sorry. That's why she calls him Stuber. Scott Stuber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they seem to have a good thing. She seems real happy. She's like, oh you know what? She brings organic lollipops on the plane when they fly to Hawaii. She goes, I don't normally let my kids have sugar, but I let them have organic lollipops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at these dudes. Until when I watched my Korean soap operas, I was like these people are just gorgeous. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They really are good looking. Very good looking. They age well. God damn. Well, like us white bitches, we shrivel up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Really good. Baby, they were kissing. Oh my.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, try a bigger tit cup. Let's see if you can put more tit meat in there. Try like a, try like a D. That's like a tiny C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is because women, because we suffer so much breastfeeding and all these stupid breast pumps. Remember how many times I was pumping a day with both of our children? And to see a man suffer with breast stuff, it really makes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna try it in front of everybody, I wanna try it at home with you as a joke. I don't know if I can do it on camera with everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are gla- these glass are just really good plastic. Really good plastic. Yeaah. This one doesn't have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it on your, like, your arm or something. Like, see if it's, if it, how does it compare to other parts, like, or your belly or something. Oh, right, right. Like, try your stomach. Yea, like, see how that feels compared to, cause all those nerve endings in your nips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you please put on the original type cup and do it again? Yeah. Just one more time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do cameos with your sex work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and would you be willing to keep them on for a longer period of time if you knew that there was, say, a financial gain to that? Like a Kickstarter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just leave it on while we're talking. Leave it on while we're talking to ya. I have to like make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard your episode of Dr. Drew after dark and you were saying how you felt very stuck because your room had just gone into, you know, it all happens. I think we all go through phases where we're just like depressed and we don't want to clean and so Tom and I thought what a wonderful way to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe some loose fitting sweatpants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I was thinking, Jeans, maybe he takes the cage home with him and then he watches pornography alone and then we just see his face, like record his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always be part of the family. Always doing each other's podcast still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I've been in therapy for a decade. It's not like that shit ends for me. But I was gonna say that I left there feeling so good. It was such a rare experience with you because I've known you, we've known each other for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also, just to your credit, you're such a great interviewer, and I think where you took it with me was so special that day. I'd never talked about that stuff. Susan? Yea. Of anybody. You gotta hear it. I love it. It's a great episode. It's a Susan saga, and it was fantastic. It was. And I just, it really, really was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And periods, that's the same age you're getting your period and now there's like filthy maxi pads everywhere and chicks are fucking nasty dude. It was not, it was not cute. It was a terrible time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all trying to avoid the crowds these days. That's why we've been using stamps.com and now stamps.com. You can also do UPS. Did you know that Gene's UPS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of, of your life, of your desk. You can print it all 24 seven, any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want. When your mail is ready, you leave it for the mail carrier. You schedule a free package pickup or you drop it in a mailbox. No human contact required. And like I said, 62% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, your first class stamps and shipping rates. It's pretty amazing. It's a no-brainer. And right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and digital scale without any long-term commitment. Go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom. That's stamps.com. Enter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what about the nastiest chick you've ever been with compared to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, what did she say specifically? How would you feel if the next time you took a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because here's the question too, is like, it's during the brown, so she's sucking you and you're making brown, and then you have to wait to ejaculate before you wipe up the brown, there's the smell of the brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the grossest part, is that Dr. Drew and I discussed poutine, and he says there's nothing wrong with eating your brown. Like you can't, it's fine, you won't get like, you might mentally get sick from the thought of it, but you're not gonna get sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like eating eggs. I don't like eggs. And then I don't like gaping buttholes. I hate it when they're open like that. Nobody's butthole should look gaping like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you would be able to maintain an erection while taking a shit? Like that's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, Tom is very virile. I mean, for a 51 year old man, he can take it to pound town. I'm telling you, he surprises me. He is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is that when you've worked like a job, a jobby job, an hourly thing, and you get that sweet break, it means everything. Those 15 minutes that you get every few hours, and then this psycho is gonna come and wreck your fucking shit. I mean, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Gianluca Vecchi, I guess is his name on the Instagram. He's the millionaire playboy who does these ridiculous dance videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's an Italian guy, he's always on a yacht, there's always, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want you to, so look, so there is he and his new lady, so every six months or so he gets a new girlfriend who looks exactly the same. They're all the same. Burnett, skinny, and he's covered in tats, he works out every day, and he's got like a lot of ankle jewelry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck outta here. So good news, guys, for those of you who are also fans of Gianluca Vaglaghi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is going to become a father again. He already has a grown daughter, but he and his girlfriend are having a baby. They're having a baby. And what is he in his 60s maybe? I don't know. I don't know how old he is. Uh, but so yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look at the ankle jewelry, the ankle, uh, cufflink or whatever is interesting. So this is, yeaah, he's got a lot of time to do stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that he's gonna be, uh, the four of us enjoying a beautiful Sunday. So, oh, oh, the dog is in the picture. The dog is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean it's cool cause what he's like, at least in his 60s now, which means that when the kid is in grade school he'll be dead, so that's fair, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but Tommy, look at Gianluca. Doesn't he look like her, her granddad or dad? It literally looks like a father. It's like a father and his daughter are having a baby together. It's so fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. See, this looks like, I mean, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, never. This is such an age gap, this doesn't look like her dad, it looks like her great-grandfather or something. Her great-grandfather. He looks like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine doing this guy? I could not even imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to imagine what his body looks like. Look, I'm not perfect, naked, but his wrinkled fucking nuts and his tits are all soggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy eyebrows. You'd have to shave off, I'd have to shave off mine and then yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does have his inflection down, like that's for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are other people that can talk to other beings on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to see some of her talks? Hers? Christina's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I thought you would relate to that as a guy because you were always telling me like you don't care if I haven't shown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize that clumsiness was a side effect of meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Walmart. There's a whole thread of like Walmart yellers right now. They're anti-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this guy I've been following him for a while, he also shows you, uh, his morning smoothie, which consists of like raw liver, and he'll blend it up and put eggs in it. And he's like, he's like primal diet or paleo or keto, whatever, but like a hundred percent, like he only eats raw meat. Um, he ferments his own meat in jars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you why it's fine. It's a little bit of duty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this doesn't- a little peepee on your fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said it's okay. There's no way. You know why? They, it's a tubing outside of the body. So what it is, okay, the esophagus, the stomach, the intestines, it's all considered outside of the body. So it goes through one tube in and out, and he says it won't leak to your other organs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, yeaah. Okay, okay, would you rather... I got lost right away. I studied Heidegger in college and I can't make heads or tails of this. Would you rather... Would you rather hang out with them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your roommate. It's your new roommate. And you gotta eat dinner and listen to the talk about the pronouns and the gender and how I rate they get when no one gets their fucking pronouns right in the world. Or your roommate is Norm. Poutine guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Norm makes his poutine but then he goes away to his room. But you have to watch-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's an ideal roommate in that sense. Or it's her- them, sorry, they, but you have to talk to them a lot, you guys watch TV, it's like social.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the non, non-binary trans mask or her. Her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So cute. I just love foreign moms. I think they're so fun. Very cute. Great teeth. That was just a good hearted sweet one for you guys. Just a sorbess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like her, how angry she gets, it reminds me of Charo, cause Charo gets angry like that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the story. That's the story. A World of Warcraft character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see. You'll see what she's trying to do. The next video is a follow-up. Oh, there is? Oh, cool. So go ahead and see where she's at now with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what would you rather have? The IPC thing? Or the, the, what is that character called? The nerds in the, you guys play these games, World of Warcraft? What is that? Werewolf on, do you know what that is then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the whole point, that he's, you know, not a mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had to stop. When's the baby's next doctor appointment? Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wait, yeah, okay, so, what's his name again? Tate? Cobra Tate! Cobra Tate! Then show us your shit, Brew! I wanna see your cars, I wanna see your mansions. Let us see it, I wanna see it. Genuinely, I'm curious, I really wanna see all your shit. He's got cool stuff. And show me your sparkling water!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The devil. I can't, I can't take anymore, Karen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Memorial. Memorial day, sorry. I am disgusted at how there's no flags in the neighborhood in front of people's houses. You should all be ashamed of yourself. Like, what? None of your fucking business, bro. Did they have one? Yeah, he's claiming he did, but I'm like, it's none of your business, Karen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scary. I agree, big pickup trucks, big tires. Fly any kind of flag on, I don't care what you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No? Uh-uh. They just kind of instinctively knew. Uhm, it's beautiful isn't it? Happy birthday to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Don't hit the brakes at all, man. I'm pushing, I'm pushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna go down on you. My last girlfriend was so self-conscious, she didn't really go down on her very much. First girls, I've been with first two, loved it. The third one, I did it for some reason. I don't get it, man. I don't get it. I miss that. I miss that. I miss that. I miss that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they say coronavirus is from eating a bat, so I guess it went-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a fun person to argue with, but, but Natasha's not cool about it. She'll, she'll pretend to be interested. She'll be like, oh, something going on in the fo- something going on online? What's going on online? And it's bullying. She knows that I'm in a panic state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hey, did you used to go deep on the arguments? Oh yea, I thought, there was some part of me, and I know that it was fake, I know that it was just my ego, that thought it was a part of my comedy brand, that people enjoyed watching me like really get into it with people, and in reality it was just me trying to continue a fight with people, but I would like to try to really infuriate strangers,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an interesting, it was an interesting query. It was like if you, actually the question was if you're, if you, if you hooked up with a person, you went on a date with a person and they were trans but you couldn't tell. They were, they were so passing that you had no idea. Are they morally obligated to let you know before things become physical?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they would say, their counter argument would be, how are they misrepresenting themselves? If they're saying, I'm a woman, and they are so convincingly transitioned that you don't know that they're a woman, what, what do they need to represent to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A skinhead that you're hooking up with. Hilarious. It's a real dilemma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's about as Italian as it gets. They came to visit and I opened the drawer and I was like, there was like fresh mozzarella, prosciutto, salami, and I was like fuck the Italians are in town. Like you know there's Italians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's maybe a male thing that we need to like go away and go like right now this can't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think, I want, yeaah, that's interesting. How often does anyone change their mind about anything? I- Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know in college I was like extremely reactionary, pro-Israel on every argument, always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this reminds me of, of when I was 12 years old and in rehab and I was like trying to be a gangster but I would be in therapy and the therapist would like get me and be talking about like my mom and I would be trying, I was 12, I would be trying not to cry but also trying to be a gangster at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time she felt like she was like, if you just poked her in the belly, she would have just started weeping openly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were young, I mean, how sad was that? When we were young and we were on a deep pussy, there was no YouTube for us to go to. Can you imagine how mortified you would be of your YouTube account?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a d- sexual deviant? Yeaah. I was definitely a slut. Yeaah. In fact, when Natasha and I first got together, she was my first, like, long term monogamous relationship. And, uh, and I- can I tell this story? I pitched early on in our relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I wasn't used to monogamy. I pitched that what if I were to hook up with girls just at Burning Man? What if I could have just like a week off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was intense. Yeah, Natasha was kind of like silent for a while and then she was like, um, I need to think about that and I didn't hear from her for a week and I thought our relationship was right in the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Wow! You don't remember? Really? It was a big moment for me. Yeah. Because it seems like it would be burned into your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, you said I need some time to think about that. We weren't living together or anything, and I didn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying monogamy going like, well maybe this is a kind of thing, would this work? Like I literally didn't know better than to not have that conversation. I was so new and I was like, what if this, would this work? And she went away for like a week and I thought, fuck, I fucked it up. Like we're not, we're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she came back, it was actually, to me it was very powerful. I, I, I get that it was imminently forgettable for you and not a big, but it was a huge moment for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was like fielding offers for stand-up. And she said something to the effect of, I understand that for you sex is less, uh, meaningful, that you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I acknowledge that you could go to Burning Man, hook up with someone, come back and still love me, and it wouldn't be that big of a deal for you. But for me, when I hook up with someone, it's gotta have, I have to be into that person. And so I have one of two choices. One is sitting at home waiting while you go fuck people at Burning Man for a week, which seems like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the other is to go pursue people that I'm gonna fall for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe so. It's a pretty good rebuttal. I don't even think of it as a rebuttal. I felt like honestly, not to get too sincere, I felt like heard and I also felt like I felt like acknowledged that I had these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for me, like, since that conversation, uh, I've kept every affair I've had at Burning Man a secret. That's really great. Didn't want to know. That's great. She didn't want to know, and I heard that. And by the way, that is actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But honestly aside from his kind of like old school views on gender equality, his vibe is very attractive. Other than just his stuff about men and women, the way he says things makes you want to be with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But honestly, he's not wrong. I've studied this, actually. I have a degree in psychology and they say that about 72% of infidelity in a relationship, what is male-generated, is due to saggy titties. That's just clinical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say, uh, show me a- I don't wanna say it. Show me a beautiful woman, I'll show you a man who's tired of fucking her. Is a saying that I've heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know what to do bitch. They gave me one at a venue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the meanest thing you've ever said to an ex? Or to Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a girl once tell me, I used to look kind of a lot wilder, like I was kind of a hipster to the end. I kind of look like Judah Freelander actually. This is before comedy. And a woman told me, I can't bring you, I can't let you meet my father looking like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, it was the most hurtful thing I've ever. And then I took the cubic zirconia studs out and cut, got a haircut and was like, I need to make some changes around here. So that was really hurtful though. Oh, it hurt bad. Yeah, that was a rough one. That was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she said, it's not the phone, it's your chewing and your general vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts with the obnoxious premise that you default assume that women always care for the child more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some things I want you to do. There are. Like get railed by like nine dudes at once while I watch. That sounds cool. That's what I'm into. Is that too much to ask?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do people sometimes make content for you and send it? Do you ever get the impression? Do you ever think like, a guy like this, like, your podcast is gonna like cause someone's death? Like you're like, piss spots, I'm driving on Mulholland here, hold on, and then he just careens off and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does he film while he pees? Yeaah. Oh, so you get to hear it. Sometimes. You get to hear that hot piss hit the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's in the northeast, yeah. I used to pee in uhm, when I was young I would pee in the heater. Cause it would like, sizzle. But then the whole house would smell like my piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had like a really big, it was, it was like a bed, like a plug-in heater, but it was giant growing up. It was a big one. It was like the size of like, your whole desk. Yeah, it was metal. Oh, radiator. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, I guess. Like one of these? No, it was way bigger than that. It was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it to completion. If you do it to completion, you'll fall asleep. But if you jerk off, it'll keep you, the horniness will keep you awake. And I did it to great effect once. Wow, that's cool. How long was the drive? Two and a half hours. I was actually driving from Burning Man to the Reno airport at like, I left at like one in the morning and I jerked off the whole way and I made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they line you up and they put you into this transparent like box car. And it's kind of, and then they, they come up on top of the box car and they spray you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the only one I got. No, I have an RV. I own an RV and we shower in the RV. You do your own showers. Yeah. But I don't let Natasha in. Yeah. No, you showered in my, you showered in my shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like weird shit. That's why I like comedy. I like to laugh. I like things to be weird and odd and odd people. That's why I like comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's one of the highest concentrations of like, bizarre people and spectacle and things to do. Less so every year. What do you do? What do you do there? When you go? Coke, I guess. Yeah. That would be fun. No, I uhm, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I used to work there, I used to volunteer there for a long time. What do you do as a volunteer? I would, I would be the person at the front gate that would check the cars as they were coming in. Really? Yea, and I did that for a year, I don't do that anymore, but I did it for years just to be a part of the community there and I would like, we would get showers as a result of that, we'd get fed and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how long ago was that though? When did I stop doing it? Like 3 or 4 years ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why I stopped. Eventually it was like, it just felt too weird. It was like people would start to recognize me more and more and I was just like, cause I wanted to be like a part of the community and then when you're getting recognized you don't feel that way. You feel like, okay, this is, there's no point in doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to like wander around, take in the artwork, take in the spectacle of it, meet people and just have weird-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I brought a, I brought a friend last year and he was in a tent and I would let him come in and shower once in a while. You don't have people harassing you because you have the argument. Like random people? No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. It looked like a Peter Pan like fantasy house and it was like three stories tall. It was probably, it was probably 50 feet tall. I mean it was gigantic and there were towers. It looked like literally like from a movie set of a Peter Pan film. And it was like super intricate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, I think, okay, so Europe and the old world does this better than America. America, the problem I have with America is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of power in that, that they've created this. The only people that have rituals...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, 4th of July, I've never, there's nothing, I can't even watch 4th of July fireworks anymore. Because of how spectacular this is. It's so over the top and insane, there's gas bombs, there's like, diesel bombs where like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a 50 foot fireball is just like exploding and then there's this crazy fireworks. It's a big crazy insane party. But Sunday night, they build this thing called the temple, which is where people, uh, they go and they put the memories of the people that they've lost in the last year. And it's a really, I'll tell you what's powerful about it is you see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much loss there is in a community of just 70,000 people and then you start to realize like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is just 70,000 random people, like everybody's experiencing this level of loss with nowhere to put it. Because we don't have ritual, because we've done away with a lot of that, we don't have anywhere to put our loss. And so you see like, wow, all this whole community is leaving. And like I said, it was a trip. I would walk into this temple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're good. Yeah, I totally get that it's not for everybody. I'm like an old school raver, like that was my childhood, my teenage years were raves and like, and so to me it's like, it's a little slice of that old counterculture that I was into in the 90s that kinda doesn't exist anywhere else anymore. Because of the fucking internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where are the tickets available? MoshaCasher.com or NatashaLagero.com and also we talked a lot about love and relationships today. Tasha and I do this podcast where we take call in live relationship advice. People call in for advice. You guys could call in. Actually, you guys could come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest, Christine, I didn't tell you this, as we're going, I didn't tell you this, but when we did Lights Out the other day, we were talking about the kid, and you said something to me, you said that it re- uh, just re-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it just was a trip to hear, uh, like, uh, just a, uh, a woman say that. You know, cause of the sound effect that you made, like, that's what I was expecting. It was more of a, uuuh.


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[Assistant] Forget about the cheese, because I guess probably people are like, oh, that's cheesy, but there is like, when you hit a certain age, you need something to recreate the value and meaning in your life because it's like, is this it? Am I just going to like look for like money and recognition only? That's what my whole life is going to be?


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[Assistant] Oh, I love that too, he was like, he's Cherokee, he's like, no don't go there!


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[Assistant] Yeah, her mother and I don't get along, but I will defend what is mine and what is dear to her. God.


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[Assistant] From age, over a month, over a couple of months, who knew?


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[Assistant] I have to wait and see what happens right now, cause right now I'm in the middle of crazy stuff right now.


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[Assistant] I gotta get back to my YouTube, I gotta change some new stuff, I gotta get boring material on it, it's getting boring.


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[Assistant] Yeah, oh my god, there was a guy, I think he was a Florida dude, uhm, but that might just be an assumption. No, that's right. I think it was, and he...


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[Assistant] This is my favorite thing. You guys started by making fun of radio interviews that start like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started when I was 16, uh, because my- I'm so jealous. I know. It's not like a cool story though, I started because my dad wanted to take a stand-up comedy class from our church comedian, and he wanted to do it together, and I don't even think he thought I was gonna be good, he was just like, you can write for me. And it was just like a fun thing for us to do together before- Dad sounds cool. Sweet.


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[Assistant] I started doing it with my dad and he would like drive me to gigs and stuff cause I started like doing churches and schools and coffee shops. Like anywhere that comedy should be. In what city? Yeah, I was gonna say. Uh, I grew up in Temecula. Beautiful. Yeah, so I was like an hour from San Diego so I was like commuting to San Diego all the way.


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[Assistant] I've never performed there, haven't been asked. And now I won't. No, it's great. It is great.


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[Assistant] You know what? At this point, these are the people who are still making money. So I'm like, you know.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, I started when I was in high school, so I didn't have, I, you know, I wasn't having sex. It's not like I was like, oh, I can't tell my sex jokes. Like, I don't have anything to reference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, there are some church comics making bank.


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[Assistant] You know, when you just start bleeding and you're like, what? Uhm, no, I mean, I think I apologized a lot for being young, which, you know, is, nothing has changed, uh, on that front, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember like I used to open sets when I was in high school with like, I know I'm-


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[Assistant] I'm young and I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable with that, uhm, and I know that there are like some generational differences and like,


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[Assistant] Just making fun of the fact that I'm like, Oh, everyone here saw Titanic in theaters and I saw it on VHS, which means I cried because Leonardo DiCaprio didn't look like that anymore. Like not cause he was dead. Like shit like that, where I was just like, how do I?


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[Assistant] Talk to adults when I am a child and I probably shouldn't be talking.


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[Assistant] Well it's a thing where like, I thought, you know, like I'm sure you did, like, okay I'm gonna put out this special and then I'll just go tour really hard and it'll be great. And obviously everything's shutting down.


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[Assistant] I did, I didn't finish. I went to, I went to Cal, uh, Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo for like a quarter and it's like a beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went home and went to community college for like a year and a half, which felt like a huge failure because I was like,


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[Assistant] He was like, a lot of people are excited. It's coming out. And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people don't have something traumatic in their childhood, I'm like, mm, I don't trust you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I think it was, I don't know, the difference. Yeah, I don't know. One sucks. Both suck. Is she okay? She's dead. My mom's dead too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting dynamic as we get older where I'm like, I've been helping out and they're like, you, we don't want you to help raise us. Like we're adults and I'm like, but everyone texts me when they get home and they're like, bitch. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It is, though, a little embarrassing to admit that I'm the oldest kid and I still chose, uh, this job in entertainment. Like, how much attention do you need?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good. Yeah, and uh, this is like 500 seats. My parents have not watched the special, uh, and... They have not watched it. They have not watched it. No. I didn't know if they had or not, and then my stepmom was like, we have not watched it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad is not ready for that, I guess. Which I- There are jokes about my dad in it that he knows about already, so I'm not worried about that. Like, I told him all the jokes beforehand, cause like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My worst fear is that somebody in his office or at church is gonna come up and go, that one joke about this and butcher it. And then he goes, my daughter called me a Nazi on that thing. You know, like somebody gets butchered. So I just told him beforehand and he was like, okay, thank you. I appreciate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think I also cushioned it and like, my dad is great, you know, so I tried to be careful about it. Uhm, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, you know, I tried to be, there was a story that I had about my grandma in it that she was like, please don't do that. And I was like, alright, you got it, like I'll take it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it definitely depends on who it is, I mean, I didn't run certain jokes by, you know, ex-boyfriends or anything, but uh, yea, with my dad I was just like, here's a heads up. But I- I- no dad wants to watch their daughter talk about sex or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I wasn't your daughter, you know? And would it hurt my feelings if I saw, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, a step-parent's first job, I think, is to be like,


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[Assistant] Again, everyone's Christian, so if they hear like somebody struggling, they're like, can I donate money to hospital bills? So that's what she had done, didn't know our family at all. Yeah, she's like, kind of a great person. And so my dad called her to thank her and then they started talking and, you know, got married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think he like took a minute and was like, I don't know if I can, and then they started dating and you know, when you're religious. That's amazing. Oh, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Based on how quickly he answered your question, there was not a moment's hesitation. He was like, oh for sure.


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[Assistant] Oh, this is how it's supposed to sound. Like this is how it's supposed to feel and be. And I was like, okay. Cause before that, I mean, I was coming up in this world where everybody's like, you're going to be so successful as a Christian comic. There's nobody as young as you, like, especially female, like all these things. And they're like, you're going to, you know, was already like getting paid to do stuff. And I was like, maybe I could just stay here.


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[Assistant] You have to be, they will not, I mean, I have a friend who got hired for a church gig who's a great comic and can do


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[Assistant] In his defense, 8 days during a pandemic might as well be 10 years. Hold on a second. As far as aging a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna ask you guys this question. How does it feel, uhm, that you two are responsible for so many comedians justifying dating each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, now we're no distance. Now we're just on top of each other all the time. And like the first month, the first like month or two was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just kind of like, oh my gosh, we never see each other this- we've never seen anybody we've dated this much. This is kind of great, we were tired, like let's hang out and watch movies every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, make pasta. And then at a certain point, you're kind of like, ooh, we have to take turns being depressed. Because if we sync up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that for everybody in a relationship right now. Like in the beginning of this, I was like, oh, worst time to be single. And now people are like, oh my gosh, it is so hard to be in a relationship right now. I know. And I'm like, is anyone in a good position during this?


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[Assistant] Okay, and you guys like started together, right? Pretty much. Comedy wise, like you started doing open mics together.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I can't believe that surprises you, that feedback. No one's ever said that to you guys, that you're like, you're the couple, everyone goes, well they were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But it's all subjective, I mean, you know. It is subjective. There are probably people going like, what the fuck, you're dating her. I guess. Like, I'm sure, I'm sure fans of his are like, she's trash. Like, I'm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how do you even get that hundred dollars? Yeah, she mailed it, she mailed it. It's in the post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna send my parents clips of this podcast and go, you don't even know how lucky you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That all I do is talk about having sex sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, we are. I don't think I shit with the door open just because it's like, I don't know. Savage. It's just, it's not like I'm embarrassed to have him see me shit. I just think that's my time. He leaves the door open for whatever and I don't even feel like it's a reflection of how he feels about me and like safe and


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[Assistant] You know, safe and intimate with me. I think it's just probably he doesn't care.


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[Assistant] I've never been open door policy with anybody. Like I was engaged. Yeah, I was like engaged to somebody and like he had never seen me pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. He like, is kind of in this world, but uh, is not a comedian. Wow. But yea, we were engaged and broke up, uh, over the summer. Like, I got engaged, found out I got the Netflix special, called off my engagement while I was getting ready for the Netflix special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got engaged, and this is what's weird about it. Like, it's so much more fun to watch someone go like, I'm a dipshit, and I thought I was ready to get married and I wasn't, so. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, me and my ex? No, no, no. Not at all. My assumption is we will never speak again, but I don't know.


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[Assistant] Uh, I broke off the engagement and then we were in therapy for a couple months and then it just got to a point where we were like, this is not working and it's not gonna work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's a lot of stuff, I mean I don't want to get into it because I feel bad that he, like he probably got, I assume got messages, because we weren't, I was like public about being with him because I was like, we're engaged, we're gonna get married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm, I don't know if he got messages or anything when the special came out or whatever, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if you, like, google it, you can see there's stuff that you can find him. Uhm, so I don't know. I-I hope that, like, I-I can't imagine breaking up with somebody and then having them, like, put out an hour of stand-up a couple months later. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's what I learned from that breakup is like, okay, no matter what anybody does to hurt you, you don't get to like stay and punish them for it and just be mad. Like if you're going to break up, if you have like a boundary that you're like, okay.


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[Assistant] If this happens, I am leaving and this is not working for me. And then you just don't leave. You just like...


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[Assistant] So this, what's crazy to me about clips like this is people use this language and in a video they took and they put the video up. Like a lot of people have videos of them speaking like this put up on the internet and are like, oh no my life's ruined. This person...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made this themselves, uploaded it, and was like, yeah, this is what I want to put out into the world. This is me.


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[Assistant] Or do you feel like it's like better now?


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[Assistant] Does it have anything to do with like stress? Like are you just- no, no, no, the resting heart rate.


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[Assistant] Are you on the talk? I'm on TikTok. I, I mean, technically I am. I don't run my TikTok. Okay. Someone else runs it for me. Cause I was like, we've hired some people and they were like, you need a TikTok? And I was like, I would rather kill myself. And they were like, we'll, we'll do it.


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[Assistant] I think, I mean, let me, let me check how many followers I have on TikTok now. Because again, I don't...


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I have like, we're like at 667,000- Oh, almost.


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[Assistant] 690 thousand. What? That's the thing I have the most followers on.


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[Assistant] No, they just post like stand-up clips of mine. Like they just are like, hey, do you want us to post this today? Who says that?


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[Assistant] They work with Burt too. It's just a social media team. Like they know how to do- I don't- I don't- That's from nothing in the last three months.


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[Assistant] I was about to say, this guy's gonna shoot somebody. Like this is disturbing.


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[Assistant] Like, if this guy were in the theater when I went to see Joker, I would have left.


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[Assistant] And then he's adding like insults on top of it where he's like, I'd do anything for an ugly chick. And you're like, wha- what is-


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[Assistant] Oh, are these hot girls wearing masks? Yeah, but see, this needs to be-


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[Assistant] Yeah, there, there's cute masks now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was looking at like satin ones the other day and like pastel colors. I was like, ooh, look at this. Like there, you can, you can get hot with it. There's people probably.


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[Assistant] Right. Would you do a comedy show for an audience wearing masks? I don't care. I don't care either! And like, that seems to be not a thing that anyone wants to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kristina, by the way, this is who should be eating cream of wheat. That's who that's for.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it was dumb like, and they, I saw one where somebody was dressed like Shrek with like their, uh, their like hoodie pulled over their legs and they were just like going back and forth and I showed it to Sam and he just like, he was so condescending and mean about me being on TikTok that it became a whole fight.


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[Assistant] To like 4 in the morning, and I was like, why did we even start finding these? Cause you were watching TikTok, and I said, are you high? And you got mad at me, even though you were high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just feels like dismissive. I'm like, no, this is actually what I connect to.


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[Assistant] But here's the thing, if a hot guy said that, everyone would be like, yeah. You think so? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly what I'm saying. Uh, yeah, no, if, if like a hot dude was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they did a video where their dad is sitting in between them with like a bag over his head. And they just went, everyone's been wanting to, they wrote on the screen like, everyone's been asking to see what our dad looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, Sam and I started doing a movie podcast called This is Important to Me. I've been doing self-helpless for a couple years, so we're doing that too, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. I mean, at Taylor Tomlinson on everything, uh, unless I quit Twitter, which I might, like, we're just, that's where I'm at now, where I'm just like, what do I have to be on, and how do I not be on anything?


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[Assistant] Alright outlaws, listen up. What makes you all think we're related?


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[Assistant] Now that's a thrill motherfuckers. To light yourself on fire, light your brain on fire.


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[Assistant] Hey everyone, I know I'm getting to another trailer video, I will, but another thing is, not to say I don't like this thing, but this is really


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[Assistant] I hate racist people. I don't know why they keep-


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[Assistant] My cousin married, my cousin married a black man in death, and I'm violent with that. And I'm not, and I'm not racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why do people have to be racist to black people? I am really fed up of this. I want all these racist idiots to be in jail.


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[Assistant] They don't, they don't change the way I write it. God, there is gonna be trouble!


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[Assistant] I recently just saw this video, I just recently been watching this video because this one old lady keeps


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[Assistant] Being a race, being a bloody racist. Bloody. Who is that black guy?


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[Assistant] If people don't stop being racist, I swear to God.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna lose my mind. I'm really bad at this.


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna talk about this. Okay. I want it to stop.


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[Assistant] Suck a souffle. Suck a souffle. Suck a souffle. Suck a souffle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, I guess, like a really beautiful woman to get her picture with a cute little dangerous animal. It's like, oh she's got a little spunk in her too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played this song over the phone one time.


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[Assistant] How gross is that one? How much of a cool guy? Please, it's a cool guy.


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[Assistant] But there's some women out there, uhm, who really like, uhm, having their pussies licked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're out there and you're interested in me and your friend on this site of mine and you really want to have that done, let me know, cause I'm seriously interested in doing that, like, a lot.


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[Assistant] I'm speaking from past experience because one of my ex-boyfriends did have to take a shower because our


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[Assistant] I apologize in advance, this is one type of exception, but excuse my language, okay?


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[Assistant] I don't give a fuck what my dad thinks of me. I don't have to do my fucking chores. Okay? I didn't want to have to cuss on TikTok like this, but I'm fucking pissed.


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[Assistant] I am pissed off. My dad and I were having a good week, and then he saw the crushed up dresser, and he fucking yelled at me.


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[Assistant] No, I've got repentance to do after this video.


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[Assistant] Bitch, bitch, bitch, call me out and see if I'm a raw fuckin' fast blood. You niggas don't work no wreck. Suwu, bitch ass nigga. You niggas don't work no wreck. You niggas don't work no wreck. You niggas don't, you niggas don't work no wreck. Suwu, suwu, suwu, suwu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, today's the day I'm gonna be calling Leonardo's to have one of them Nicole Bacon Cheeseburger Paradise large pizzas delivered to my place. You do not need a large pizza. And add some extra toppings. No you don't. It already comes with onions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. But I'm still gonna add to it garlic, anchovies, spinach and artichokes and make sure they put whole wheat crust, um, you know, for the base. Right. That's gonna help. I get my fiber in my diet. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also want to give a shout out to my nice neighbors who helped me out of a dire dilemma with my injured knee to help me get my groceries into my apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this'll be my last video for a while. Cause I do not know how to make a PayPal. And there ain't a son of a bitch in this family that's gonna have the bucks that's gonna take the bond me out. Cause I might kill Cheryl today, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, she run to the phone like the bitch-made cunt always does, and I said, you better call every law in Sequoia County this time, bitch, cause you're gonna need help prosing my fingers from around your fucking dick-sucking throat. So I ended up arrested in jail, but I'm out this morning, Cheryl, and I can still see, that's right, you did swell a shut-pitch. And I'm coming over here today, and I'm gonna do the two-step in the cowboy boogie till there's a mud hole in your fucking ass for me and mama to stomp-dance fucking dry. And the only phone call I need to be made is up to Agent Mallory Martin Funeral Home in Salisaw. Let them know they'll be wiping your fucking ass in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know like those memes where like the base is all turned up like and it's like, they call it ear rape?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like traumatic, you know, like this is, we talk about it in therapy, you know, like it's just like trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what show? I don't know if you've ever seen this. I went on The Doctors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just cracking up because I'm like, this is like a doctor show, it's like medical information, and then they're like, we have Cray-Sean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, recording with the guy who produced it and he kind of would do this thing where he'd be like, just do everything over and over, over and over for like 30 minutes. He like leave the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was just like, he kinda just used vocal samples, so it wasn't really like necessarily over that beat. So I was just like saying everything over and over. I answered the phone like in the middle of the song and like he put it in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like, back then, I mean, okay, long story short, like, I, I used, I liked girls, like, physically, and then I had sex with a girl, and I was like, whoa, I'm not digging this, you know? It's more of like, for me, it was like, a pimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like pimp perspective, you know, like, like you got bitches. I'm a pimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. Like being around pretty girls like made me feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I lived in San Francisco for 10 years and then like the 2000 tech boom happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the first layer of San Francisco gentrification.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was a community thing, you know, like. Who's the community? Friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friends. Friends of friends. It's like I saw this meme and it was like this guy's telling me he's an uncle but he's just like my mom's friend that changed my diaper a couple times, you know, but that's like how I am. Like all these like people I'm not related to are like my aunts and uncles and like I love them and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was just looking, I was just thinking on the way here, I was like, I'm 30 now. And when my mom was 30, I was 13.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, jeez, imagine dealing with a 13 year old right now. I fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now Oakland's just like, when I go up there, I feel very uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I remember that street, like you couldn't walk down that street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now all these people like pushing their baby carriages and having...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so when we moved to Oakland, we moved in this place with my mom's boyfriend at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was really cool, I loved him. And he, uhm, was really into music, he had turntables, he had music production equipment, he had trombones, guitars, he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really brought out my mom, cuz my mom quit doing music. At one point she just stopped when I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe eight or something? She just turned it off. Didn't pick anything up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she had like a traumatic experience with touring and stuff and she kinda just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut it off, yeaah, and thought that like that would help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. But she met him and she was like all fun again, having fun, making music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he would let me make beats. Like on his thing, there's a program called Acid. That's really old. I think people still use it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would make beats and me and my friend, we would make like mixtapes and like hand them out and we'd like get on the mic and make little raps and uhm, I think that, I mean that's where it started, like making music on a computer was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did it mostly for fun, you know, like goofing off because like I could do it, but then like I was reading some of my old tweets like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back in the day, like when I was 18 and 19, and I'd be like, watch, I'ma be famous. And I'm like, why did I write that? I never felt like I thought like that.


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[Assistant] But I do remember, like, trying to get Soulja Boy's attention, like, all the time, and like, walk a flock of his attention.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I dropped out of high school sophomore year and then I went to Job Corps. Do you guys know what Job Corps is? It's like a government run program where you live there and you get- You live there? Yeah, it's probably like-


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[Assistant] From, I think maybe 15 to 26. It's really, it's like- It doesn't sound safe. And it's co-ed? No, it's, it's, the dorms aren't co-ed, but the program is. Okay. Uhm, a lot of people get, like, sent there for core, or you, I went because, like, I didn't have anywhere to live anymore.


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[Assistant] And I was like staying with friends all the time and I just kinda got burnt out on it. I was like, I need to go to Job Corps.


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[Assistant] It's like, uh, power washing cement, fixing windows, because- Oh, that sounds fun though, actually. Okay, so when you go there, you- Every trade is like a gang.


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[Assistant] So like the two biggest trades are Facility Maintenance and Cement Macing and they like beef with each other. They'll have like full on like...


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[Assistant] Uhm, I think I was there for like six or seven months.


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[Assistant] Uhm, well I didn't finish my job training, but they give you like...


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[Assistant] I think it was $800 or $1000 if you complete your GED. So, I got that money and I got my first apartment.


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[Assistant] I was only 17 when I got my first apartment. I had to have, like, my grandma come and, like, co-sign off.


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[Assistant] Yeah. My son's finally getting over that. I haven't seen him that sick in a while. He did get the stomach flu. Yeah. Like a month ago. That's brutal. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Both. Yeah. Same time. Same time. In the pants. Nice. But my mom was watching him at the time, so. So that's kinda her problem. I just dodged a bullet up there.


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[Assistant] I was saying cheek, but you can get creative with it.


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[Assistant] Oh shit, uh, I got my ribs done. That was the last one I got. Ribs, I've heard that before. And it's like this big and it was like a fuckin' six, seven hours. I was, I was, yea, hittin' you.


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[Assistant] The rule to me is like if you pinch it and it hurts, like, then it hurts? Yea. I guess?


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[Assistant] I need a better view. How do I know she's getting her asshole tattooed?


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[Assistant] Well, you know what I've been doing? Uhm, it's like totally off topic, but that word just reminded me of it. I've been doing uhm, you know the Oculus Quest? Yeah. Do you ever, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And you like go in and you're like a virtual like avatar and you like talk to other real people. Uh huh. That's weird.


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[Assistant] Does that word remind you because people are saying it a lot?


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[Assistant] I walk over there and I'm like, what? Why'd you say that? Like, why'd you say that? And he's like, I can just say whatever I want. And I'll just lie and be like, I'm streaming this online. Everyone can see your username.


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[Assistant] And they're all gonna know, like, you're a piece of shit. And they get all like scared and like log off.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, but like most of the people on there, like, no shade or like, losers.


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[Assistant] There's like five guys, and one of the guys is like, well I wish Gil would talk to me, like I have no Gil friends, I just want to talk to Gil, and like one of the guys is like, oh man, like I had a girlfriend, you know?


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[Assistant] And then the other guy's like, I had two girlfriends. And everyone's like, whoa, how'd you do that? What? How'd you get two girlfriends?


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause like, people always say it on like Call of Duty and stuff.


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[Assistant] We're going back to the timeline here.


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[Assistant] Okay, no, uhm. What? What happened?


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[Assistant] Yeah, they broke up and I started like drinking and doing drugs, you know. What kind of drugs did you do? Um, smoking pot, popping ecstasy like every day.


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[Assistant] No, uhm, at 15 I think I was just skate- like skating and like being a little shithead. I don't even think like-


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[Assistant] Uh, me and my mom and my grandpa all lived together in the house that we moved to Oakland in.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so like I wasn't going to school, so I got kicked out for being truant.


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[Assistant] I just wanna go into the class. You just wanna socialize. Yea, just like running around, you know, goofing off. Everyone thought I was like a crackhead though, like nobody thought I was cool.


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[Assistant] Well, I called everyone my sister.


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[Assistant] I met her a little bit before Job Corps.


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[Assistant] And yeaah, she went to jail. What did she do? For like six, seven months?


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[Assistant] Uhm, she's still, she's still making music, I mean, she's put out like an album every year, or more than a year.


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[Assistant] Well, we're like, we're like, uh, you know, like, we all had different, like,


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[Assistant] I think like person, like everyone was different, you know? So like some, some people identify with her and not me or some people identify with me nasty and you know, whatever.


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[Assistant] I was like the biggest Veena SD fan. That's, that's, you know, how it all like culminated was like me.


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[Assistant] Recording VNasty's, like, mixtape, and I- she, like, come over and I'm like, I have to get in the closet and rap.


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[Assistant] You know, like and I'd force her to make music and I started filming her and then like one of her videos of her freestyling like got on world star hip hop.


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[Assistant] Which was like the number one website at the time, and she was in jail, and like I wrote her in jail like, you won't believe it, like it's so cool, it's the beginning of the end.


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[Assistant] I, I like met with a whole bunch of like different labels and then we just picked one.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, before, when I came out, Spotify didn't exist yet. Right. So like streams and like plays weren't like a thing. So like now you have artists, they're like, so-and-so got streamed two billion times.


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[Assistant] Your billboard or record, platinum's colors, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but when I came out it was still like physical albums, you know? Or like if you buy it on iTunes.


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[Assistant] So it's just, it's just like I came, I came out during this like transitional period between like, there was this time where everyone's like, oh, let's like make this work, but they just like didn't know how because like streaming wasn't like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we, what the fuck, you know, they're like, oh, like, uh, wear high heels, like record this pop song about my cookie and like, you know, like.


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[Assistant] And I was just like, no, like, I don't wanna do it. And they're like, fine, we're only gonna put your album in Hot Topic.


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[Assistant] I would be like, yea, somebody who I thought was in, they're like, we booked you some dance classes. I'd be like,


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[Assistant] And that's terrible. You see, you see like go hard was kind of like. Yeah, I like that song actually.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it was me trying to like, please.


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[Assistant] He's got small dick energy for some reason.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I have a lot of friends that do. Really? Yea, and it sounds so complicated. It does. It's like more, there's more rules to polyamory than there is in a relationship that is just two people. Right. So you have to have like this person's rules, that person's rules. It's too many rules.


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[Assistant] I just like the rule that's like, hey, we're not gonna like cheat on each other. Okay. That's an easy one. Yeah. It's just easy. It's easier that way.


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[Assistant] Well, he seems like a nice Italian guy. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm surprised no one has asked me to marry them. It's kind of depressing.


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[Assistant] Uhm, two years almost. Okay. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I want to the gathering of the juggalos.


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[Assistant] Oh great. Is there an update? Oh my god. You better keep the hatchet one though.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, I was filming the whole time, so it was cool cause I kinda had this like, layer.


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[Assistant] Between like me and people, you know? And people would like act out on the camera, but that wouldn't be like to me. Uhm, the craziest thing, there's this thing called the getting baptized and it's basically when like a juggalo pours like a whole entire liter of fego on you.


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[Assistant] And we were riding around in a golf cart and some guy just like pours a liter of Fago on one of the girls we were with. And I was sitting right next to her and I got up and I was like, I don't know what just happened and I tell like,


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[Assistant] The boss girl of the crew, you know, she's like the mean girl and I'm like...


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[Assistant] I wanna try it again, but it has to be, you gotta work up to it. You can't just be like, I'm gonna just try it.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I guess. It was doable at the time, but I was drunk back then, now I'm sober, so.


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[Assistant] I started therapy a little bit before that, like a year before.


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[Assistant] My therapist like never like told me to get sober, but I think I just did it to like impress her. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Cause I'd be like, yea I went out and I just like did hella coke and like got fucked up on that. I'm still fucked up, I'll have like a-


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[Assistant] Yeah, I bought dumb things as in like I would buy like an old Gameboy. You know, like I never like spent- That's not a bad purchase though. It was, cause I could've like bought a car and like paid it off, you know? But I was like buying old Buicks and like, you know, my manager would be like, why are you buying like an-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1986 Buick when you can buy a brand new car and I'd be like, cause I want to. And then what? And then like, I like have to sell my Buick and I only get like a thousand bucks for it. When I, if I had a brand new car, I could have whatever, you know?


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[Assistant] I, I, I didn't think that like, honestly, like as stupid as it sounds, like I thought, when you're pregnant, you're just pregnant, like you don't have a baby after you're pregnant.


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[Assistant] Like 100%, like my brain like blocked, blocked that thought out.


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[Assistant] My son's dad would be like, oh, we're gonna have like a little boy running around, and I'd be like, SHUT UP! Don't say that! Don't say that! And he'd be like, what? I'd be like, just don't, don't say that, because I was already like, fuck, I forgot.


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[Assistant] I got a c-section. I was like, I was so, I was like, I'm not giving birth. Oh, okay.


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[Assistant] I mean in the, yeaah, you know how it is in the bandage, chill, you're just binge watching shows with your tit out. You know, you're just covered in vomit and shit, milk, crust, you know, everything's fine. Then you get to the point where you're like, okay.


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[Assistant] Gotta get out, I'm like, I'm bored, you know, but I have to breastfeed every goddamn 40 seconds, you know. Or your tits explode. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, he should probably be paying for sex, right? He should be at this point. Kinda looks like, I mean.


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[Assistant] He's trying to get free sex, man. That's true. Yeaah. He's out here begging for free sex.


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[Assistant] There you go. Sounds like my boyfriend. Oh, okay. Perfect. I think when we were like talking and I was like, you know, what made you like me? And he's like, cause like most women, like they suck to kick it with, but like I like talking to you, like other, other girls, like you can't talk to them. They're fucking stupid. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That was like a crazy experience. No, my life was absolutely insane for a while after Job Corps.


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[Assistant] Dude, this one night I was having like a party and I'm like blacked out drunk. I don't even know who's in my house. I just remember I look over and I see like a completely homeless man.


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[Assistant] In my house who must have like followed the crowd of people like coming into the place and I'm just like, you know when you're black you can like barely you like focus for one second you're like whoa.


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[Assistant] Really? Yeah, I can't say everything I wanna say. So the other day I wanted to say something about coronavirus, but I like, I messed it up, but I was gonna write like 61,000 people die from the flu every year, but I just wrote 61,000 people die every year.


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[Assistant] They're like, that's not right. Everyone starts attacking me. Do you have any tattoos that you regret? Oh yea, duh.


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[Assistant] Uh, I have a lot. I have a lot of tattoos. I have this whole arm that I'm like gonna get like blasted over. That's what they call blast over. You just like put a giant dark tattoo on top of all your crappy old ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm not gonna do like, the like, black block, but I'm gonna do like just something. Just different.


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[Assistant] Uhm, there's one on the back of my neck that says one love that I got when I was like 16. And I can never see it cause it's on the back of my neck and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, like a year ago, this guy is like walking behind me. He's like, one love!


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[Assistant] And I don't even turn around, he's like, one love. And I turn around, I'm like, what? And he's like, one love. And I'm like, wha- I'm like in a bad mood, I'm like, wha- what are you talking about? He's like, one love. And I'm like, what?


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[Assistant] What are you talking about? He's like, on the back of your neck you have a tattoo that says one love. And I'm like, oh.


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[Assistant] I was pregnant as hell in that video. Were you? I was.


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[Assistant] Sony dropped me like five days after I announced I was pregnant.


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[Assistant] What? They didn't even try to conceal that? They were just like...


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[Assistant] But nowadays it's like, pregnancy is like, marketing.


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[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I'm back, I'm back on the music. I just did, I just did a new EP. Okay. What's it called? True Oakland Black Metal. Okay. T-O-B-M. Check that out on Spotify, Apple Music, and...


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[Assistant] Uh, I made a TikTok and then I, I kinda got overwhelmed. Yea. I was like, what is this, people just act out clips? So then I was doing that and then I was like, wait, this isn't what people are doing, they're actually being funny. They're doing all kinds of stuff.


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[Assistant] So that people may join. Oh yeah. She has like an Instagram, but she just like her story is like 45 TikToks a day. I don't even need this app. I just go and like watch people's stories.


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[Assistant] He's uh, he's autistic, but he always does like the medicine.


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[Assistant] See this stuff, I think, I think of my grandpa so much. I wish- Really? I wish Pop Pop like had a TikTok. God rest his soul man.


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[Assistant] I made two sandwiches. I'm gonna have one now and I'm gonna have the other one now. Like it got like 400 retweets.


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[Assistant] I was just referred to everybody as fool. I'm like, so fool.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's, I just made it like as difficult as possible cause I just love doing that. Uh, it's T dot O dot B dot M.


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[Assistant] So what happened was I had the songs, I was like, I don't know what to name it, I didn't want to get any.


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[Assistant] Album art done? I don't know why, and then I was like, I'ma just use this whole t-shirt design as the album art.


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[Assistant] So I was like, I'll just name it True Oakland Black Metal. And then I was like, I'm gonna just, you know, make it TOBM.


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[Assistant] I should've just named it like, I don't know, something that I can say and not have to like, spell out. You know? Whatever.


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[Assistant] I left the rock at home, but it's really big, trust me. It's really impressive. He did great, great job.


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[Assistant] Let's do it. I'll be back. I'll be back when we finish the single and then we can like, you know, we'll be like ripping books off. Oh, we should film it in this. Bro. And just trash it. Trash all the bobbins.


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[Assistant] Production value, you know, it's already here.


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[Assistant] It's gonna take up to maybe two, three years for it to actually see some major, major results.


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[Assistant] Certain lighting makes it look darker and certain lighting makes it look brighter. But you know, yea, I made some very horrible


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[Assistant] Regrettable, if you want to call them regrettable, I don't. They're just mistakes I've made.


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[Assistant] In the past, because of drugs and alcohol, that's just part of life.


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[Assistant] At least I'm omitting I made mistakes. At least I'm owning up to my mistakes and trying to fix myself now.


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[Assistant] Cause this weekend I turned 36. I gotta have a straight life.


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[Assistant] So that way I can be more independent, more better off, and better example for the younger generation.


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[Assistant] Wow, love y'all, I'm sending prayers your way, thinking about you, keep your chin up.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Guys. We're not rolling are we?


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[Assistant] I can't wait. Can I tell you, I, I love it when it's just you and me, cause we ride old school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, can I, see I imagine when you're dating on the east coast, there's a lot of Charles's in the world that are just like those guys that walk around in suits and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you see them in a bar, they're always like, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell. Like all they talk about is money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good point, is that if it's a love note and you're hoping this person reciprocates, like, probably the preface of, I hope this doesn't terrify you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a sweet guy. I like my office. But I picked up the show way off the east coast guy, the buy sell buy sell guy. I'm picking up on like he's peacocking, he's letting the ladies know. He's showing his new office off. He's like a kind of computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But okay, but then why not just lead with, oh my god, I'm so excited, I have this new office. Why is that not cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't want to stop doing my stuff. So wait a minute, but okay. He's looking at lilies, but they haven't spoken, so let's see what time that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's amped. So they haven't spoken since Saturday, but he thought it would be a good idea to send the video message.


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[Assistant] And I'm just gonna make a reservation at Lily's tonight.


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[Assistant] And I hope to see you there, like that's the thing, like he's hoping she'll...


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[Assistant] Can you play it again, the lilies part? I have to see it. It's so painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so nervous. He's so nervous. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I do think, like, there's a certain etiquette to all the mediums of communication. For instance, somebody sends you a text, you respond in a text. Somebody calls you, you generally call back. So if you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like, e-mailing or whatever on an app or texting on an app, the video response is inappropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know. Like for instance, okay, here's a good one to send a girl you're texting to. Like let's say she tells you, I really love cupcakes. And then you're on the street and you find like a cool cupcake that she might like, right? And you're like, oh hey Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you think that in a city of angels, a city of actors, you could just find one older person to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you and I were redoing it in the house this last weekend and we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had chest pain, you wouldn't go, I'm having chest pain! No. You wouldn't, you would go, oh, I'm having...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you do, you do it the way you would really do it in a movie. Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm doing it like him? But maybe that's his, but maybe that was his motivation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, his wife's name would be like Margaret. Margaret, yeah. Nancy's too young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Margie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that reminded me of other great commercials. Do you remember the Clapper?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the design flaw with the clapper we discovered in the 80s. My dad got it because we love the idea of convenience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like a strobe light show anytime you were watching like, you know, violent television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give old people strokes. Yeah, it was terrible. But I always liked that old lady clapping at the end of that commercial. Cause she always seemed to need it the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, Tom. I don't know what you're talking about. It's just great. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was this one, and then it brought me back to- Oh, you wanna look at the rain commercial? Sure, I bet you it is. Let's see. Sure. Let's see what color the, uhm, the robbers are in the rain commercial. For sure. One thousand percent. They're white people, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's so much crisper and clearer. There you go. I can see now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and his eyes are so swollen from sodium bloat. Yea, they're swollen shut, kinda like Burt's get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well Bert, Bert's also angry. He's fat, racist, homophobic, and angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see it. I definitely see it. Do you think he'll see it when you show it to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we can cut together a montage where we flip back between he and Bert, between Maradona and Bert, maybe he can really see it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a good taco doc about it on Netflix right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about tacos in Mexico City and different parts, but anyway, but go back to what you were talking about on your podcast. What are you talking about in Spanish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on fire, and I just made Varsity Mom as well. That's another reference I talk about on where my mom's at. There it is. Uh, Varsity Mom is what I call an experienced mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I finally crossed the threshold into being a varsity mom. I think now I have a 17 month old and a 4 year old. I'm official, as are you. And there it is, there's Cool Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a regular mom. Not a regular mom. I'm a cool mom. Yep. For sale. And along with all our other crap. Yeah. So, uh, I had a really interesting thought about, I was on Instagram, and uhm, anyways, how come parrots can talk? And why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't dogs talk? Because parrots' brains are smaller than dogs, and dogs, I think, can do more than parrots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can they come up with a phrase that's appropriate? Like, give me birdseeds. Can they request things? I don't know. I don't know. Do you guys know? Has anyone ever had a parent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, if they're intelligent enough to speak, I imagine they don't want to be paged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's just mimicking the sounds, but doesn't know the meaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we need to buy a trainer that's dedicated to just teaching it the correct racial slur. That's gonna be a whole other expense, Tom. How much are we willing to invest in this racist spirit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody has. Like that is not a- that's 100% happening right now. Somebody's- there's five guys writing in right now like, my parrot can say big words. Here's a video of my parrot saying-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't, you don't want a wreck. Meaning a train wreck, right? Or a car wreck. W-R-E-C-K. Wreck. Not R-E-C wreck. W-R-E-C-K is what he says. You don't want no wreck.


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[Assistant] You know what he always, when he starts talking, I always hear him go, this baba ghanoush, I think he's gonna say baba ghanoush. Oh yea, oh. When it's public announcement.


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[Assistant] Dude, we could have a YMH parrot who just does all of our sayings.


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[Assistant] Okay, no lie, that looks like my stepdad.


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[Assistant] Some people say retarded, some people say retarded. How do you say it? Retarded, retarded. Tomato, tomato.


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[Assistant] What are you saying? Retarded? I say retarded. I don't say that word. Oh stop it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and let's say he does not like her on a personal level, so what?


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[Assistant] Isn't that to imply that Quentin Tarantino


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[Assistant] Isn't that his movie? Yea. That, oh, that women don't speak enough in his movies, but that's not the trick. But, but, however, if you look at like Pulp Fiction, there's women giving huge monologues. I couldn't even watch Pulp Fiction the other day because Uma Thurman wouldn't shut the fuck up in one of the scenes and I was like, I can't, it's too wordy, I gotta get out. Yea.


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[Assistant] I know, they're trying to stir up a controversy that just isn't fair.


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[Assistant] I'm not retarded. Just, I'm being serious. I don't say ret.


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[Assistant] I say Re. What do you say? Re. Yea. Chris, go ahead.


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[Assistant] What? Why'd you bring me on this fuckin' trip?


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[Assistant] Ah, that would devastate me, I'd be so messed up. I haven't been too high in a long time, but nothing is worse than being too high.


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[Assistant] And I swear to God, I was like, he's high. Cause the way you came in, and you didn't say, I mean it was super late.


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[Assistant] But I was like, hey babe, what's up? You know, like I was awake, and you were like, hm, uh, uh. Like you just were totally shut down, and you just went to bed. I'm like, oh, he's high. You knew. Well I knew you were with Joey too, so I'm like, he's fucked up right now.


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[Assistant] That's uh, ugh, there's nothing worse than being too high. You know what helps me though when I'm too high? Is eating. Yeah. On pot, like when I'm too high on pot. Yeah. If I eat, it'll take it down.


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[Assistant] Well, he also weighs a lot more, doesn't he? Does he outweigh you a bit? He's bigger, meaning his body can probably metabolize?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, that's like what they would tell you in the D.A.R.E. program when kids take LSD, they jump off of buildings and shit.


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[Assistant] No, this is, never take drugs with Joey Diaz. This is the point of the story. Never eat bread that's laying around near Joey. Don't eat candy around Joey.


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[Assistant] Right. Don't forget that. Don't take anything around Joey, ever.


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[Assistant] I remember he wanted me to do his podcast when I was pregnant, and I was like, no way, I'm just gonna get a contact high in that tiny room with you.


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[Assistant] Well, I got extra mom drunk at Bauhaus.


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[Assistant] It was so much fun. And I brought my old goth friends with me and we all got so mom wasted. There's pictures of me I'm not proud of. Like at one point I had to lay down.


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[Assistant] Admit it to myself that, cause after so many years, I'm like, you know what? I should probably just stop liking goth.


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[Assistant] Let me just say this. My night at Bauhaus was significantly less expensive.


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[Assistant] Right, but I'm saying that my night out was not as expensive as the gold chains you're discussing and also


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[Assistant] You should get the box of crayons one. How much do you think that one cost? Is it 69 crayons of course? No, 64 box of crayons. Wow.


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[Assistant] I know, Bala- Why don't we just do that? That's a good idea.


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[Assistant] Send out Rolexes and we'll just drain the bank accounts and it's something that everybody remembers, everybody likes. It's memorable for everyone too.


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[Assistant] However, we should come up with a number that is reasonable. Yeah. I'd say that, that makes sense. Cause I'm like, I get my Bauhaus night. Okay. Not really breaking the bank here.


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[Assistant] Maybe your necklaces? Could we cap it at $500?


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[Assistant] What's a number you think would, would make you happy?


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[Assistant] I would rather spend $75,000 on the racist YMH parrot because at least that's an investment in the business and we get people really like the parrot, it generates more revenue for the show.


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[Assistant] Well people really like the parrot, the YMH Parrot. And that's what they'll tune in for, is the YMH Parrot.


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[Assistant] Much like the fart mic. Did I lead us astray on the fart mic?


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[Assistant] No, people loved it. It saved that episode.


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[Assistant] Back when McDonald's was sponsoring the show, remember? People didn't like the set, but they liked the fart mic.


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[Assistant] Babes, 75, can we at least go half on that?


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[Assistant] We had a wet wipes clogging disaster in our GD toilet and we had to have the plumber come out and here's the deal man, Tom and I, we used the bidet attachment.


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[Assistant] To clean our a-hole, so I don't know who came over and used wet wipes. Yea. In our frickin' toilet, it's either Ellis, who's maybe shoving them down there for fun, which he is known to do.


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[Assistant] The baby, Juju, Potter, Nadav has been over. Walking around with pocket wipes. Do you do that? Fuck.


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[Assistant] Oh my God, it was totally him. Let's call him up. Are you going to call him up?


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[Assistant] But Sean's always over at the house. He definitely did. He fucking carries on.


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[Assistant] He does. What savage is carrying around with us and putting them down our fucking plumbing? Mother F.


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[Assistant] It took forever, too, and the plumber charged us a fortune to get the fucking- Don't use that crap, man!


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[Assistant] I have to do a full a-hole. Now Josh Potter was over. Josh, do we ask him? Did you-


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[Assistant] Yeah, but, that's not, you can poop at our house, just don't flush wipes down, because that's what ruins the plumbing.


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[Assistant] What are your poops like? Are they like rabbit pellets or are they full size? Cause you don't eat very well. Or much.


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[Assistant] I'll let you know. Thanks. I'm really looking forward to it. I didn't have any botastrophes post TG. I was thinking for sure, cause you know TG, I put a lot of butter in our sweet potato casserole.


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[Assistant] Well yea, cause I- Yes, I made- I'm telling you what I made. Here's the menu. I did stovetop stuffing out of the box. That's a lot of butter. I did sweet potato casserole in butter.


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[Assistant] Bru-uh, Brussels sprouts with bacon. So there's a lot of grease there. And the turkey. And honey-baked ham.


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[Assistant] And one pecan pie as they say. I fucking did a lot bro.


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[Assistant] Good idea. December 12th is off at Flapper, so sorry, but I am doing December 5th and December 19th, and then I roll into 2020.


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[Assistant] Okay, January 9311, Momston, Tejas, a cap city comedy club.


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[Assistant] Oh, March 7th, the make good from October 25th at the ice house in Pasadena.


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[Assistant] That is great. March 13th and 14th. Uh, it says Doral, Florida, but that's the-


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[Assistant] March 26th through 28th in Dallas, Texas at the Addison Improv.


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[Assistant] What's Dallas? What are we calling that? Phallus. That's Phallus. April 3rd through 4th, Jew Dork Titties! Caroline's Comedy Club. April 24th.


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[Assistant] June 12th through 13th. Fartnicks, Arizona at Stand Up Live. Tickets at Christina P Online.


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[Assistant] It's easy. Just plug the clapper into any household outlet. Then plug in your lamp, TV or stereo.


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[Assistant] But, uh, yea, they were, uh, two African parrots and they flew away pretty quickly. They were aggressive. They didn't like being in there. Oh really?


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[Assistant] But why is he puking if they're thro- if they're spinning into his mouth?


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[Assistant] Yeah, girl, I'm cool with that. Actually, uh, I'm non-binary. Please don't call me girl. But titties. They them. Titties.


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[Assistant] Nobody told me about this. I thought it'd be like, hey, what is it like, you know, in show business?


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[Assistant] Okay, it's absurd that anybody complains about their physical ailments, like, in public anyways, and I like that she's asking us to pray for her ailments.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. She was such a fucking cunt. Yeaah. But now look at her. Huh? Dead bitch knows this. She's so dead.


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[Assistant] You know, I do gotta say, I appreciate all the comments. You know, we all make mistakes.


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[Assistant] Drugs and alcohol kinda took me out there, far beyond space can reach. And, I'm trying to turn my life around.