[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Special combination. I just was like, whatever. And then, I don't know, we went out like once or twice more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, me too. I have a couple girls that I thought were so smoking hot and sweet, but their language sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't even know. I'll have to ask him. I'll have to ask him. Are you married, Juan Jose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh jeez, that was good. That was good fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we have a great guest coming up in a little bit here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear in our children's eyes. I swear. I swear I wouldn't say that. I swear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he loves her, and he waits for her, and he smiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so special that somebody should treat you exactly the way I treat your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you guys have been together, been through ups and downs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that when things weren't great. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The love grew into a special thing. It's not like you should initiate dating that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, tell her to just be her own person and maybe try to find someone that she likes and respects. Is an equal. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, you don't want to be relationships that are on pedestals. It's all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you good at the, um, blowing off? Yes. It takes a skill. Yes. So you can get to learn it though. Like you get better. Oh, I'm, I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Matt Paxton, that's the guy's name, and he called in, we had him on like years and years ago, and I met him, he's a great guy, and we were talking about the level fives, and there was a couple episodes where, there was a few times where he was like, this is not salvageable, and one of them was so bad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we get to whether you would sleep with Forrest Gump or not. Okay. We jumped over. Okay. We jumped over it. Where is it? Do we have an intro? Oh. No. We jumped over our dental update. Oh shoot. So. Oh. This dental update is brought to you by Getquip.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are going to ask our guest, Brad Williams. It's like a horror movie and hip hop. That's awesome. Love that. Brad, you have a nice smile. Thank you. Let me see your chomper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did go to Celebrity Dentist, I was working for the show Extreme Makeover, and they were giving this deal out for whitening, so a lot of us went there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And during the general exam, the dentist, not the celebrity dentist, but one of his, you know, trainees. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, well, you know, let's just do a general exam. And then he goes, you know, you have 13 cavities. And I was like, I have 13 cavities. He's like, yeah, do you want to get them filled? And I'm like, well, I don't know, man. This is kind of a lot to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to another dentist and he's like, uh, you don't have any cavities. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, did I ever tell you that was full of shit? So yeah, is this whole thing like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you do that? I was saying that because we talk about dad mouth, like just how like if you think about your dad or dads in general, I'm talking about like dads of people our age, you're never like, oh he's got a really nice mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you serious? And he's like, yeah. I go, dude, eat a mint, eat something. Dude, yeah, just do it. His mouth is rotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like, are you, you'd be like, are you wearing that out, dad? He's like, yeah. Why? I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, speaking of dick touches, Forest, so we're talking about whether or not it's unethical to sleep with somebody who's not on your mental level. We're like, well, at a certain point, obviously, it's like you would have judgment and intellectual skills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She seems off, but would you fuck this guy? I mean... That's... yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, pack the cataract. He said cataract on the street. That's bad. But back then they were like, this is one of the best comedic performances. They were like, this is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you the bullshit part of it too, to me, of like the Scarlett Johansson thing, which- What happened? I don't know what happened. So Scarlett Johansson signed on to play this, uhm, I think it's based on a real story, uhm, about, so, a trans person, right? And so, there was this huge backlash, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you're using a cisgender woman to play this trans part. There are plenty of trans women out there. But here's my big beef with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Additionally to the, let's say, well, why can't, I mean, like Brad's saying, it's an actor, so I get why you're saying, get the authentic person to play it. How about the business side of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people who want to make this movie are betting on, hey, if we can have a movie star play the part, we can recoup this investment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In their defense, a lot of, uh, people who were, um, uh, what are you, missing limbs, um, were super supportive of that movie. Cause I saw a couple things and they were like, oh, it's awesome. And the rock's awesome, like representing us like that. But of course people want to get mad about everything anyway. Yeah. I think now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, speaking of your, uh, Akurva Istambulismeg history, your tribe, do you know that, uh, Hungary has abolished gender studies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. You can't. You have to accept that the world is full of assholes and people that just want to complain about everything. I actually have an example of one right here. Well, I'll just play a moment for you and then we can talk about it. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, here is the setup, okay? This is, uh, Cafe Gratitude. These are, uh, animal rights activists that are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, all three of them. Yeah, this is, so they're talking about the fact, there were many people, so many people, that they're claiming that artificial insemination of livestock


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These three fuckers are a protest. They have a megaphone, and they're yelling at Cafe Gratitude about, uh, they're, they're saying, you know, uh, any type, what is it, rape is not love, you can't compassionately rape someone. As they say that, that guy walking the dog,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Says, Mike Tyson did. And then, then he said Kobe Bryant did. And then he goes, uh, to somebody else. I think, or maybe the camera guy says show him your, no he says show him your chicken. I don't know who he's talking to, but here's the whole thing again, and then it goes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, I mean, it's not whatever, it's not great, but it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, I know. It is kind of funny about what gets taken, like, people who get, um, you know, careers taken down now, for like jokes, and they're like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I noticed his nose and how it's crooked as it goes towards the right side of his face. Clearly it's been broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to think it's been broken from him talking this way to women in public and the women or her hot black guy that fucks and fucks good decided to smack him around and this might be why he says things to his camera now, Nolan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do it on purpose sometimes. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Uhm, there's people, there's some people that have been in our lives for like more than a decade who are like, how's Christine? And I'm like, she's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This folder, I haven't seen this here, but it says... It says... No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We played one earlier and she got really, oh, this says racist dog owner. So here's the deal, man. My slut wife and I recently adopted a Chihuahua puppy. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's very important that this dog stay connected with its cultural roots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Therefore we have been teaching the dog commands in Spanish. I'm gonna laugh at this, this is gonna be so great. Despite not really speaking or knowing any Spanish myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friends and family think we are strange for doing this, but I strongly believe that not training a dog this way makes you a racist piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why should you have the right to whitewash your dog's heritage? I'd like to hear your opinions on this since Todd is half Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to say, this is genius on this man's part. I think it's fantastic. Yeah. I mean, I think you should learn if you have a German shepherd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this dog, I should teach you a command to teach your chihuahua. I've been watching El Chapo, the series on Netflix, which is not just in Spanish, but it's all Mexican slang. So maybe teach your dog, uh, siéntate wey, like you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you find that certain cultures of people react to you differently? Like, I don't know, the same cultures that are wowed by magic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told this story. I think this was Sam and Will. Yes, yes! Do you remember when we did a casino? Yeah, was it Calusa Casino? It might have been, yeah. It was you, me, I think Jay Larson. No, was it Larson or was it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why everybody is happy for your success. Just because when you're a dick in your success, everyone's like, you can't wait till he fucking falls in his face. But everybody is thrilled for your success because you're a good guy. So, fun to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a couple of sluts, and you ended up finding love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do you end up, do you have an agent go make the call for you, like he's gotta go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine, we got an email that says, did Tina take a monster shit cuz she looks lighter than Mac. Did you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all, it is, it's basically the network you're describing. It's like fucking, you know, uh, it's addiction, it's hoarding, it's I weigh 600 pounds, it's uh, I'm 600 pounds and I'm black, it'll be common.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all these things. So anyways, we're scrolling through, we watched Lost in Transition, which is about people transitioning. Like in the middle of their marriage, like you guys are two years in, and then you go, I'm a woman. And your wife's like, what? So it's those. Anyways, we're scrolling through, and we see, I still didn't know I was pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we'll open that up, and this is about people who gave birth, women who gave birth, didn't know they were pregnant, and then a second time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is nice. This is nice. I saw this, this is my own recording, okay? Okay. In Starbucks, where this guy was eating his breakfast with a coffee, and we're all just trying to get our coffee, enjoy our morning. This motherfucker is on hold with Bank of America, puts it on speakerphone, puts the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a total fuckin' psycho. Anyways, we talked about this- Those people exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who kept repeatedly using the voice commands on her phone to call people and then putting the call on speakerphone and loudly talking to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have patients coming from motor vehicle accidents, having heart attacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm all finished, I'm all done. Time for Moose Soup by Hitler's Colin from Fort Pierce. Oh, that's right down the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we are talking about, you know, there's a lot of, you know, I'm saying, so we always keep track of who says, you know, I'm saying a lot. Oh man. And, uh, here we have Tom Brady in a, you know, interview doing a lot of, you know, cool. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, that, that, that's gotta suck for that dude. Do you have a, can you weigh in on what you think this means? This is just an image. Okay. What is FGTR?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is pretty much. But this, just like, pretend he's not in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a good time, write to Dean, fat girl to ride the dick, fuck gays and rape the deaf. It's just different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Looks like he's been enhancing his relations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we played her before. But leaning into a car, you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four Stroke Gang by Bones McKenzie gonna take us out. Thank you again for coming Brad. Thank you guys. See you guys next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy? I'm gonna get my knife and everybody gets within knife distance gets stabbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Come on man. Get free food, free rent and everything else man. He's like stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black guys who love the fuck fuck good. Black guys who love the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95? If you wanna move in, you can move in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why come no white jokes? Cool tattoos. Super cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm like, I just like to dress as a princess. I don't wanna say I'm a princess, that's a little pretentious. But, I just, I feel like a princess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like one of those fake, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh that's awesome. Hell no. So what are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, I just walked in. Hi. Look at that cutie over there. How has being with her enhanced your life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. It is. Voila! It was up. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember folks, all races deserve recognition. And I guess I did my part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you? Yea, and I used to smoke meth too, as well. Wait, you went to rehab because of meth? Marijuana, meth, LSD, you know, the suburban drugs that we got at the time. Yea. Three times? Where?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was raised in a little, uhm, in Korea, South San Diego.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'm older than I look. Yeah. Right? Like, I, okay, so I grew up in, uh, Minnesota when I was a kid. You did? Yeah. And there was only one Asian, his name was Tom Roach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, I'm getting a prank or something. Okay, sorry. So Tom Roach, what, was Korean, he looked like us, but he behaved white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's when I knew- Tell me about his white behavior. Oh my god, he played baseball. Right? And then like, white people, you go to his house, it smelled like three things. Coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baseball in the midst, and pie, some sort of pie. Rhubarb, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But the main- But I wanted to shout out- We're like Paul and John. You don't want Ringo and George.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, but we got the two songwriters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You guys are what makes it happen, of course. Thank you so much for saying so, Tom. I enjoyed coming on Tiger Belly. I had a good time. You know what? And I enjoy you, I'll tell you why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why I enjoy you? Yes. I didn't know who you were for a while, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's hot, yeah. Famous Tom Segura. Woah. But, uh, for years, I was like, who the fuck is this guy? Can I swear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my first jobs I ever had, an acting job, this is back in like the late 90s. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a makeup artist and she goes, my first job was at the Cosby show as an intern, as a makeup artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm a big fan. I love Bill Cosby himself. Sure. And Ghost Dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and then uhm, she goes, you know what he did to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He clawed my breast to the point where it was almost bleeding. Cool. And he goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hear things, right, on the streets. So it's like, you know, whenever I got like, if I got an audition for Ghost Dad 2, you know what I mean, I wouldn't even show up. Would you have not worked with him after that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got offered a part in like a regular on a show of hers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea, because I know that she's crazy, and I can't be around her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not every day. Another good question. That is a very good question, baby. It's a very good question. Yeah, but I don't want to bear witness to nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like I wanna be a witness to like tragedy. My mind 100% goes where yours went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think you do, and I'm gonna correct you on that. Okay, I think you do, I'm gonna correct you on that. You're Tom Segura, right? I saw you on a late night show the other day. What was it? Colbert. Colbert? One of the biggest ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I see you on there, I go, look at, he's handsome. He's one of the funniest guys in the nation. This guy's going to work forever. So you can make those choices. If you were like some sort of like open mic or, and you were just coming into the business, that's one thing, but you are a franchise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this, should I change it? No, no, no, you're fine with it. I like it. I like it. I think you, uhm, are trying to make me feel comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here we go, okay? You wanna go down memory lane? Yes. I'll go down memory lanes. Okay. To you? Yeah. Number one, when I was in my late childhood, in my eight, nine years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 8 and 9. I was molested by a guy with Down syndrome. I do it under my act. Are you serious? Okay. And then my dad- How old is the guy? I'm sorry. I don't mean his twenties. I'm over it. Fuck, man. It didn't bother me at the time, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, my dad, my parents wouldn't give me the other dips. Yeah. The dipstick ones. Yeah. They wouldn't get me it. That's my favorite one. They're foreigners, right? They're foreigners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't, they don't, foreigners don't do it. No. It's fucked up. And so I thought to myself, he has the dip candy. Right? And I said to myself, if I just, you know, all I had to do was like, touch his junk. I didn't have to kiss it or anything like that. Just touch it. And I get the good candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went by like every day during the summers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how did it get disrupted? We moved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, and then my dad was an alcoholic, and he was very violent. He was a rageaholic as well. Is he so alive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, so with those two events as a young man or kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It drove me into doing, uhm, early drug use. Yeah, that's okay. So we moved out of San Diego, and, you know, I was maybe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 11 and I walked outside my house. I lived in this place called Green Valley, the suburbs. And this kid was riding a skateboard and he just parked it in front of my house. It just happens to be he was there. He flipped his skateboard over and he rolled a joint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walked outside my house and I go, can I have some? And he goes, yeah, dude. And I smoke pot. And then I met a guy named Julio Romero. Why are you pointing at me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julio Romero. Okay, thanks. Yeaah. It wasn't you, you're Peruvian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lady Lucy, she lived in a, um, Rancho Bernardo. It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty fancy. And you walk in, no couches, in the middle of the living room, was a baby crawling amongst a meth lab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 11, 12. Jesus Christ, man. And then that's when I did meth for the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it doesn't hurt. Because the high is so good. Is it immediate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and you don't sleep for days. You don't eat, you don't sleep for days, and you know, the guy was right, you do get erect, you get horny, but you're, the things that you, the only way you can, can I say cum? You can say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can? Yeah. Ejaculations? Uh huh. Is, you have to think of like, really fucked up things. Even at that age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? So it's not just straight up sex you're thinking about? So it starts off with like, okay, a regular woman, whatever, in your head, right? And then she's missing a breast. Right? She has no arms. And then like six hours later, you're just masturbating to a foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like a distorted, twisted, broken foot with blood, gushing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, don't mention that here. So you were 11. I know, don't mention that. You were second dicks too? Don't mention that, don't mention that here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're cum is thick from not ejaculating a lot. Right. It's all backed up. So he might go, you know what, I'm gonna do month in May. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but I don't even know right now who listens to this podcast. Is the demographic of your people, don't judge me. And I'm just asking, you know, are they children?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Okay, well then, yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not on meth every day, right? It's like a once a month event, right? We did acid, I did all kinds of stuff. I used to get drunk a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Emotionally, yeah. But can I just say something to your fans and what not? Sure. Is that I'm 16 years sober now. Congratulations. And I was, when I was 17 I got sober for 12 years. Damn. So big chunks of my life I've been in sobriety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've done God's work. Yeah. Right? No gay. I'm just not doing gay things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna say this to you, and I'm not gonna go into detail about it, but when you're young, you don't know what you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I would probably like, I wouldn't go down to the sack or the taint, right, and go, you like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and I would probably be like, uhm, we probably know what we liked, you know? Of course. And we would do extra things, you know? To please ourselves. Sure. I would like to please you. Thanks. You're welcome. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a, it's a dangerous stuff because you can go fast. Yeah. And you start losing teeth really quickly. Did your teeth fall out? No, but cause I didn't do it. I mean, when you're in middle school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I showed you the inside of my mouth, maybe, I don't know what the fuck you're doing right now, but you're calling me out and you're like exposing things that I don't want people to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just say this? Now I'm defensive. Yes, yes, right, I have a bunch of teeth missing, and I can't chew steak, but I don't think that's from the meth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's because I don't floss. So when did those teeth get removed? It's been years of deterioration. Do you go to a dentist at all? Ever? I did to get them removed, yes. Cause they were in pain? Well you know Steve Simone? His brother did it. His brother's a dentist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wanted to do, uhm, metal rods into my, uhm, bone of your jaw. You know how they do implants. And they screw it in, but I just. Bro, life is better with molars. You should get these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, because I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, no. Because I'm fine. Okay. Because you can chew with gums, I don't know if you know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The front, yea, and I have a couple of like rogue teeth in the back. That you, that you know, like I'll have gums on top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'll show you, but can I not do it in camera? Yeah, of course. You're gonna look down here, okay? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, why don't you just, you know, I'm being real, I don't know what's wrong with you right now, but like it, just whisper into my ear, and then tell me you're gonna be saying stuff, and I'll go, no don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweetie, I'm dating you. Why would I think? I'm dating you. I don't think that you're a mud person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, okay, you two together, right? Right. You know that, you know, you know deep down inside, right? Cause you're out here in the country. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you guys, you know, have your character defects and you're able to like, you know, forgive and uhm, you just love each other, right? This is the same thing. How could it be a colonization kind of a situation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just say this? I'm gonna give you props. Probably the most talented out of the Asians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a theory, can I hear my theory? Okay, I think that uhm, groups of people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they have climate, like, that their seasons change, where they go from summer to winter, right? That they have to, uhm, create more technology to survive. So they're constantly in a, uh, a mode of creating things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's ask an Asian. I have two things to say about that, okay? Number one, the only thing that makes me mad about it is she would never fuck an Asian guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Asia, this is how we used to dress. Correct? Okay. Okay. But this clothing right here, all the clothing I'm wearing right now, right, is more western developed. Correct. That's right. So essentially I'm wearing western clothing. Right. Which is white people clothing. Right. Right. So why is this okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's my thing, and also on top of it, it's like, the only thing that I had a problem with like girls that were like, look I got a tattoo of like a Chinese symbol on their body, right? And then they would never like, fuck us, but they'll have, you know what I mean, our writing on them permanently, that would drive me crazy. I get that. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was other white people with me, other comedians and what not. Is this at MadTV? No, it was at some sort of like billboard awards or something like that, right? I hosted it one year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I know those kind of whites, and those kind of whites, their hearts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They mean well. They mean well. Oh, that's a good point. And you know that. It's like, I was on a flight, I was on a flight, right, and there was this like, southern Asian guy next to, not white guy, I mean, southern white guy next to me. And you could tell that he was kind of wanting to talk to me, but he didn't know how, what angle, because you could tell that he doesn't, he's not around a lot of Asians. So he just said, uh, my daughter loves Hello Kitty. He said that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You learn how to survive in the world. Sure. And you know, I'm not as sensitive about things as like other Asian people in show business. You're also a comic. Yeah, that's another thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what, I give it out too. Of course you do. You know, it's like, you know, uhm, like if a black guy kissed me on the cheek, I'd go, did I just get sickle-soul anemia? You know, you would just do jokes. Sounds like that happened. It did happen, yeah. And then you would like, uhm, I'm also very touchy-feely with comics. I would grab people's junk, which you can't do anymore, so I don't do it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But back in the day, you would just fuck around with comics and I'm pretty strong when it comes to stuff like that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They based, no, they based it on, they owned a clothing store called Fashion Gal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lame Brian for ethnic people. So, Samoans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But every once in a while, Indians would walk in and they wouldn't buy anything. So I heard that a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Or he did do a list of like, you know, one time he made a list of like who the- Hierarchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for a Korean to give them... Yea, because they give it in terms of like economic strength and their position in the world and all that stuff, yea. Number three was Chinese. Okay. Number four was, uhm, snakes. Yea, and number five was Mexicans. They were like animals in between it, you know what I mean? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but yea, but they, they, you know, they're pretty racist, but you know what, my dad's on the verge of death. Yeah. Hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was pretty Christian about myself. Really? Yea, because you have to understand, in high school I was, you know, because I went through rehabs and stuff like that, and I had such a low self-esteem, that I would never behave that way. I was more, I would do all my sexual deviancy and stuff in private.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was, when I was out in public, I was so shy and scared of, you know, the approval, disapproval of just people in general, that I just wouldn't, you know, I wasn't outlandish in that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm square, yeaah, yeaah. It's only when I was 23 and I started doing stand-up is when the first time I go, oh, this girl wants to hook up with me? Really? But it took that long. I mean, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, aside from the couple of penises I sucked as a kid, and then aside from, you know, when I was in my last rehab,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In high school, which is the McDonald's Center in La Jolla, I met a Japanese man by the name of Donald Yasuachi. And Donald Yasuachi owned all this farmland in Oceanside, California. And I worked on his farm when I got sober, my senior year in high school. And then one day he goes, hey, you want to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was invited and so I would sit there with these like CEOs and like these people that owned like with money and he would cattle in like just 20 women and I was able to choose and I was such a hard worker that I didn't have to pay for it


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[Assistant] Well the reason why I fell in love with her is because she was violent.


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[Assistant] But you know what she did was she uhm, she goes, she smacked me in the face. As hard as she can. Really? Yea, and then she goes, yea, then she goes, put your arms around my neck. She's like, hear me out. And then she goes, tell me what you want to kill me. And this is like, two weeks in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for me, it was like a spiritual revelation, like an awakening. I went, woah, this is new stuff. And then, but it's so funny with her, in the beginning she was like that, but then when she started falling in love with me, now we're Christian. Yeaah, that makes sense.


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[Assistant] And she has like skinny like ET fingers, so that's fine, you know what I mean? But if it was like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't stop him. But can I tell your fans, though, how I really fell in love with you? Okay, yes. Is it weird? Not at all. So I didn't, I, I, you know, I knew you guys were married, right, but I didn't really know him, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, I get invited to do this thing called the, uhm, what's it called? Oddball Comedy Comedy Fest, right? And I look at the lineup, it's Sebastian, Dane Cook,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I see Tom on the lineup, I go, oh cool, that's cool, I don't know him, but I'm sure he's nice, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have an arrangement, a car arrangement for yourself beforehand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, my people didn't do that, right? And so when everyone got off the plane, they just went straight to their cars. And I walked out, I'm like, oh, I didn't have a, I had to take a cab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I see Tom standing there and he goes, I just make, I make an assumption that you didn't get a car arrangement. And I go, no I didn't. And he goes, well that's why I waited, uhm, you wanna ride?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was still like, but also that you knew that I didn't have a ride, which is also like clever of you. Yeah, I put it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, that, that, and then when he did that, those gestures in my head, I'm like, wow, this guy's legitimately a great guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want to say this about you too. I don't really recall people's sets ever, but one time I was at the ice house in Pasadena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I walked into the annex, right? And you were on stage, and I think you were doing new bids or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I sat there, I was, you know, when I walk into a room, I just kinda hear one joke. But she was so fucking funny, that I sat there for like 20 minutes, and I had to go up in the other room, I said fuck it, I gotta watch this girl. She's fucking amazing, right? So you two together is wonderful. Yeah, thanks buddy.


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[Assistant] I wanna hear them talk shit. You know what it is though? Can I just say this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what Mitzi always said to me. To become a star, you kind of have to have both people that love you and people that hate you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People on Twitter were like, uhm, you're a terrible actor. And as a comic, you know, you're a little paranoid when I do acting work. Ask her, I get really paranoid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've done movies, I've been on a lot of shows, but still, I don't really have the confidence yet to say, I'm a good actor, right? I'm passable, and I've been, you know, I've been series regular on things, so it's fine, I know how to do it, but it's like, so it's very like difficult for me to read bad things, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, in many ways, it's just inevitably gonna happen and I just gotta, I have to grow past it.


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[Assistant] IMDB, if you look it up, there's like nine pages of how terrible I am.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but what makes people, I mean, let me just say this. That's exactly what she said. I know, but it's, you know, you know.


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[Assistant] I got extorted for money on our podcast. You actually paid? Blackmailed. You paid? No. But they said, if you don't send us 15 grand.


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[Assistant] We're gonna put this thing out that I already said on the podcast that's already out there.


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[Assistant] Right? And so I just ignored it for weeks, right? We got a bunch of emails.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but then what happened was I got a commercial.


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[Assistant] And I was on the commercial, like just sitting there, and the lawyers came up to me and said, can we talk to you for a second?


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[Assistant] And I'm sitting next to Jane Lynch, cause it's her and I in the commercial, right? For like some good money. Yea. And I go outside, I go, what's the matter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess we got in a complaint from you. It was that same person that was- Oh god. They went out of their way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To call the ad agency, right? And to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prohibit me from participating in the commercial. What are you giving me that face for? I'm not allowed to talk about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they go, you know what's so great? They said, you know what? We're just kind of, I mean, we did get the complaint, but we also want to say that we vetted you. We know that you say crazy things. And that so, you know, you're doing a great job for our commercial. We love you. Thank you. Oh, great. What's that? I don't know what that is.


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[Assistant] Yeah. But people go to great lengths to fuck you on this thing. Yeah, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not your first baby. This is your second baby, right? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do a full beard, right? And my hair is receding like yours. I know. But I'm gonna grow the sides out to my shoulders. Have the beard. And I'm gonna have these like weird like Dr. Strange glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Oh, it makes me so happy. Yeah. If that was me, what would you do? I'd go crazy. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But did you like him when you were dating the Chinese guy?


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[Assistant] It's so funny, you and you know who's similar to that is Theo.


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[Assistant] But you guys, it's so funny because you guys come from that world. That was like earlier in your life. But you guys are legitimately comedians and like legitimately funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's hard to, I can't, I really, it's difficult to reinvent yourself in that way. Yeah. To break that history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, for me, I was on MADtv, so it's kind of along the same lines of stand up, right? It's the same lane. But for you guys, it's like, wow, you guys really transcend it. I have a theory that I was only


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's really like that even with me too though. Yeah, because when I got off of Mad, I remembered-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it's not because I remember there was a movie called, um, Dinner with Schmucks. Yeaah. Yeaah. With Steve Carell, right? And so Ken Jeong got offered a role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the cast director wouldn't even see me. And I go, well tell them why. And they go, cause he was on Matt TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's like a clown? Yeah, he's not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so uhm, I had to, I had to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a bunch of movies like that where I couldn't even get in because of perception. They say it's a perception thing.


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[Assistant] It takes a while and, but what happened was because of the success of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but what I was gonna say is this though, is that you have a point there.


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[Assistant] In many, I've never been threatened of other Asian, uhm, actors. I, when Steven Yuen was on Walking Dead, I was so happy, cause he's, number one, he doesn't have an accent, number two, he's handsome, and he's dating a white girl in it, or whatever, you know what I mean? And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know him, he's a really nice guy, you know, I'm happy, but...


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[Assistant] You know, when you have more Asians, but you have the same amount of opportunity as you did 10, 15 years ago, then it becomes hard.


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[Assistant] No, korean food? I go high class with that shit. Where do you go? I'm a fancy korean. Are you? Yea, I'm not like working class korean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to go there. Where the lady would like- Yeah, it's really- yeah, the lady, yeah. And where all the flight attendants would go after- Yeah, all the flight attendants would go late at night, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd have to look, I'd have to check. Yeah, there's a lot, I mean, you know. Oh, but Parks, you go there on Vermont? No. Parks is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well I can say like, So can we have two rice? Uh, I can say uhm, You know what I mean? Stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I only know how to do, like, sexual stuff. Like what? Like gochu. What's that? Penis. Donkumok, butthole. Jut is breast. Um, boji is vagina. Dong is shit. Pangu's fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, I know, uhm, uhm, which is the n-word. Once more, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out Tiger Belly, I'm gonna plug a couple things. Yeah, where else? Tiger Belly, I'm on a sitcom called Splitting Up Together, 9.30 ABC, Tuesday nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gene, go ahead and tell people what- oh jeez, I'm not even-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is awesome that you guys worked that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charlotte. All those shows are sold out. Then I go to, uh, Omaha. Samesies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some tickets left for Breastballs Beach, Florida. The West Palm Beach Improv. Uh, 25th is nearly sold out. 24th has some tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 25 tickets remain for New Orleans for the third show. Boise we added a second show. Ball Sacramento. Fresno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bakersfield, Jack Me Off Phil, Orlando, and a second show in Philadelphia. All on sale, TomSegura.com slash tour. That's what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, guys, check it out. Alright. Let's get this show on the road. Here we go, everybody. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happy birthday, big, uh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, rest in peace, B.I.G. You'll be 46 today. Isn't that crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about how stupid you were at that age. How stupid your lyrics would have been. I have a whole new appreciation for, um, fame and success at a really early age. Oh my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is yet another example of guys acting like they're running a legit business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, oh, he's saying that he's average, which is, you know, like makes people feel at ease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, I mean, hold on, hold on, this is, now what's coming up here is you're gonna be your father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the part that we knew was coming up. This is always in everything like this. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because here's, here's a, I'll tell you a little secret. Those weren't straight guys. No. Okay. There's no such thing as a straight guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's fixed. So, I shaved my own head. And by the way, a bunch of people were like, I didn't think you were cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I didn't do it to be, it's not to save money, it was to save time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I used to get it like, a little more shaped, but as I lost hair in the front, I'm like, I'll just throw clippers on and have this be done, you know? So when I was shooting that, that movie, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What clippers should I get? He's like, these are the best clippers, order these. And then he goes, you know, you'll learn how to do it, you kind of feel your head. And so I order them, I start, I get the guards and I do my first pass, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I do it and then I go in to see Christina in the bedroom and I go, how did I do in the back? And she's like, oh, you missed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I go back in, I'm like, how's it look? And she's like, looks great. Then, this, the day that I do that, I go do two shows at the comedy store, I go out to dinner the next night, then the following day, I walk into the gym, and as I put my stuff in like this cubby,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, my trainer's standing, I hear him go, what the fuck? Your trainer? Yeah. Yeah. He goes, what the fuck happened to your head? And I go, what? And he goes, dude. And he takes a, he takes this picture. He's like, your neck is jacked, bro. And then I sent her this picture. I go, what the fuck? You told me it looked good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the worst part was about this day was that when he, the guy took the picture when I got to the gym to work out and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at the beginning and then the whole time, you know, when someone tells you something like that, you're like, I can't, I can't focus on this right now. He noticed, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna go fix your neck right now? You're not in the zone? Did he go, you're not in the zone, dog? You're not in the zone, dog. And I go, I know, I just fucking, I go, I can't stop thinking about it. And he's like, go get your clippers, I'll fix it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so now my neckline is midway through the top of the back of my head. Let's see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just- You know that I wrote that? I tweeted that? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And since I hashtagged it, you know, that was a popular search term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upstate anywhere like a few hundred miles from the main city always has the sketchiest shit. Think about what's a couple hundred miles north of LA. That's some sketch ball. Bakersfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're going to love this dude. Um, let me get this ready for you. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Is this the guy? I think this is the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty nuts. I mean, it is like, I think it's different for some people. And I think if, I mean, it is like a constant thing, but if you are somebody who also has like, uh, you know, what's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Four Stroke Gang comes from this, and then we did do the Four Stroke Gang shirt, which Christina thought we would sell five of. She's like, nobody wants it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, one of the things that happens, we did a golf inspired four stroke shirt, cause you don't want to put like, jack your d-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so we put that out there, we put the golf one out there, uhm, it went really well, but a lot of people were like, this should have been an engine, four stroke engines, motorcycles, four stroke, so I went ahead and re-ordered also a four stroke engine shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we should get to this cause Sammy's here. So, tell us these guys, so everybody knows Try It Out, obviously. Try It Out is one of the other classic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people were debating. Some people still said 100% it's a, it's a hoe man out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Home here now is what we thought it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Home me out. Home me out. That's what some people... See, I tried to create, um, so here's the, here's the in real time expri... Like... This time you beat me home me out. Uhm, here's it isolated. Home me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. Amazing. It's so good. It's poetry. If you, uhm, if you're listening right now, you have to see this. Go to the YouTube page and we'll, uh, we'll put it on the YouTube channel. Uhm, Your Mom's House Podcast. It's, it's really, really exceptional. Uhm, also- You guys inspire art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were asking for, we were like, oh, so far last week we had a bunch of submissions, all men. And I was like, are any women gonna submit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, honestly. Thespians. Yeah. Ashley, the uh, the manic energy. The energy. With which she delivered that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is uhm, really good. This is Kelsey. She also- She committed. She did a, uh, I feel like a commitment to a different drug. In other words, this feels more sedated. Okay, like Sativa? But maybe Sativa, uh, maybe like a real, I don't know, more excessive, more powerful downer. But the eyes- Like a black-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did something amazing. She started her clip by saying she's Peyton Lafferty, who is another, uh, go-to from the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, she's doing this really well. I think she's acted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? All I keep thinking about is like, just this video getting out there on its own with obviously no context and guys watching this being like, we have got to find this chick. This is Lauren.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this is exactly the video I've wanted to see my whole life. Like a woman who's like, guys who wanna fuck, I'm down. If you wanna piss on me. Oh yea. And, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you, and then you, you told her yes, and then she's like, oh, okay, I will have sex with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how you keep from vomiting. Really don't. Oh dude, the smell of like, fresh human shit. Oh, just drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching, awww. I laughed by the way, we were talking about women's bathrooms versus men's, and she was saying how, like, women, you know, will like, squeeze their butts on the women dumping. They won't fart a lot. And I was in LAX yesterday, and I walked in, and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. And like, those bathrooms are wrecked, man. LAX.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your big, uh, tricks and performance when you're, when you're starting out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of it, all of it, yea man. And then from there it slowly goes. And then you have like, you have uhm, you know, your performance face on, so you're like, you're like. What is your performance face?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like intense and you're like flip, flip. You're doing positions and you're like, yeah, this is what I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put her in the- I try to pile drive her all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fantastic. Shakespeare. And also, it was a different, she made it her own. Yes. She really, you know, did her own thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody submitted a Try It Out song. Oh, great. Oh good, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know who your guitar player is Amanda, but amazing voice and really, really interesting, beautiful rendition of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be a dream, is to see, is to have a camera on him. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, ever since you introduced hot white meth cum guy into your clip lexicon, I no longer enjoy any type of self pleasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out, try it out. Did you see, you saw the video of the lady in the, in Tim Hortons?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? There's one thing that's so great about when you do a one show night somewhere where it just breathes easy and people know that like we're going to settle in to like, it's just for us. I love the one show nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, and it's, it is heartbreaking when it's comedians that are policing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are some wise words from Sam Tripley right there. It's very true. A lot of people are, uhm, they rail against people they feel threatened by. Absolutely. In this business for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think by the way, I think that tweet though that Josh sent was really just, it was just uhm, I think he was trying to make a point that he didn't word correctly at all. Right. And that's really, I mean, that's just why people flipped out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you pull up old tweets from any comic,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna find a wasteland because that's how jokes are written. You write the thing. Normally it's not publicly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, if you go through most comedians joke books, you'd be like, Oh my God, because you take swings and you're like, I missed the mark on this. This is horribly offensive because really like great jokes are usually like on the line. It's like you find the line and you dance on the line. If you don't get to do that, you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, side of the aisle, any ideology gets their ability to work destroyed from their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jokes or, you know what I mean? Like when somebody makes a joke and then people are like, start attacking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how, this woman is really animated, yelling at the employee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so yea, for people listening, this lady was extremely, extremely animated, clearly yelling at the man behind the counter at this Tim Hortons, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She keeps yelling. Takes the, uh, sweater that is wrapped around her waist off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drops her pants, leans against the wall, and takes a big shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's what I assumed when I saw it the first time. Yeah. Uh, but then again, the fact that it's Canada makes me think differently. I don't know, I just felt like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being, by the way, uh, a new comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sam Tripoli got me into it and uh, you know, trying to, trying to work out bits and one of my like old school bits that never went, you know, one of those you kind of throw out there was about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can go somewhere else. You can't go here. Not here. Nope, nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, this is the United States of America and I can't go pee right now? Drop a deuce? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to go and they're like, well, it's not for you. It's really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want Sammy to take the call from here. So I'm gonna start playing clip number two of this, which picks up right here. You go ahead and describe what you see, okay? Okay. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sammy, she picked up her shit. And it's gone! She threw it at the guy. Like a boomerang style. Then she wiped her ass and threw that paper at the guy too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check this out. I just pulled this up. Uh oh. Audio? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In recent days, this has become the deep in the bowels of a mystery. Why did the woman take a dump in British Columbia Tim Hortons? If you haven't heard about this, congratulations. Uh, this is on the uh, my only question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she then grabbed napkins, yes, picked up her log, here, we have the answer. Turns out that Timmy's employees wouldn't let her use the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, out of concern for the immediate safety of team members and guests in the restaurant. We are deeply concerned by this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blah, blah, blah, blah. In limited cases, we restrict, uh, bathroom policies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's what that implies. Uh, police picked her up. She was eventually released. She's coming to, she's gonna make a court appearance coming up. And she'll be headlining yuck yucks in California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here is my dental update, Sammy. I'm a big snorer. Uhm, when I started dating, Kristy and I wasn't snoring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got real fat and I started snoring a lot. Let's men do that. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I swear to you, it was like somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like somebody playing a video of you drunk and they're going, this is what you like when you're drinking. You're like, oh my God, I have to quit drinking today. It was like that where I was so ashamed that I ordered a, uh, a snore guard, like an online one that night. Then I went to the dentist a few months later and I had like a real deal one. Well, they're, they're made of plastic. Obviously they're mouth guards over time. They start to change color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it starts to look like you keep your snore guard in a trash bag and then you pull it out when you want to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So mine got to the point where it's pretty discolored now, and it looks gross. It's a few years old though. Yea, it's a few years old. And I asked at that, he's like, it's totally normal. He said it's totally normal, he goes, you know, they look...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just had my new one delivered yesterday. How was I last night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it, you know, here's the thing. You think when you get it, like when I first ordered the, the one over the, yea, over the internet or whatever online,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, I'm just doing this to save her the burden of having to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is, you don't realize that snoring, when you snore horrifically, you're having a lower quality sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pretend you're asleep. That's exactly right. See how your lower jaw dropped?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what causes a lot of people snoring. The jaw drops, your tongue sits back, your throat meat starts to go in on your air valve. These guards just keep your lower jaw up. So when you're totally passed out like this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your jaw stays up. Air passage stays open. Dude, you sleep so much better. Just get that quality sleep. Yea, will you try it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I did mine by just going to the dentist and just telling them, hey, I want this. Done. And they take a mold of your top and bottom teeth and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girl here, Bitsy, she snores like a 300 pound man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like chainsaws, right? Yeah, cause it'll be like, and then she'll like catch herself and then I'm like, fuck, I want to throw her in another room. She sleep on your beds? They've slept on our beds for years during the pregnancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's much more sensitive to, you know, everything. So we have crates in the room, and we're putting them in the crates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, no, these, I mean, sometimes when they sleep on the bed, you know, they'll take turns going between like laying between her legs and they'll come over and lay between my legs, lay next to me and you're always like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So tell me how, uh, tell me the tin foil hat show. How long have you been going now on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about, no, of your family. So what I was gonna ask you is, like you've told me stories about pops, whatever, brother, mom. What do they think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of your- are they conspiracy types or are they like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's, uh, what's his, is his, does he have a JFK lane? Cause I know there's multiple lanes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have footage of, uhm, one of Sam Tripoli's ex-girlfriends was in the news. So I don't know if you want to comment on her at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really wild to break into someone's home and take a bath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they, uhm, you know that serial killer, the one that killed Versace? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would uhm, he killed like five guys, right? Yeah. And one of the things he would do in a lot of the homes is like make sandwiches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he would just go in there and like chill out, see what food they had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both, because sometimes he would, uhm, arrive in nowhere, like he was kinda waiting for someone to get home, so he would just eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's mentally ill. It's so clear. It's not her fault. That's bothering me that, that they're like, she's just a lady that overdid it. She's not. She's clearly off her rocker bit. She's sick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's not, it's not like the real love. It's not a good idea to be on either side of the millionaire site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick, uh, someone says, I just want to throw out a thank you. You might not think of your podcast as something that can help people in their everyday lives. I'm a 40 year old white cisgender male and a detective for a police department. What? We receive little to no training about the LGBTQ plus community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just recently I was assigned to investigate a robbery assault case. I met with the victim. Multiple face, piercings, cuts on the arms to let me know right away she, in quotation marks, was non-binary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it wasn't for the podcast, I would have been like, what the fuck is that? Then I thought about your podcast and wanted to laugh. Then the scene from Lethal Weapon popped in my head with Murdoch saying, I'm too old for this shit, but I'm a professional. I quickly replied, what's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That she is fine. Oh, so she's non-binary, but that she-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the, uhm, another thing we do is we always come up with, uhm, alternative names for cities when we do our dates. Yeaah. And we always try to make them juvenile and silly. So for instance, Jacksonville, when I plug it, I'll say Jack Meow Phil. Yeaah. Orlando's Horlando, Pittsburgh's Titsburg, and so on. Yeaah. We realized we didn't have one for Los Angeles. Yeaah. So people submitted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, because we were saying we don't have them. There's a lost angel tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. I love that. Good. Cox Angeles. Good. Floss Angeles for the dental Monday. Yeah, for sure. Fuck Angeles. Yeah. Mom's Angels. Yep. Los Mangelis. I like that one. Hot Cansel Tits. Lost Anal Fists. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved you tits. That might be the best one. Yea, you like you tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before it gets too late here, we're encouraging our listeners to hit up Cardi B. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're sending these tweets out to Cardi B. I saw, you know, a hundred last week. Torrents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're saying Cardi B are having babies at the same time, and they keep tagging her, she says, I am Cardi B. We just want Cardi B to see it and say something, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a trend line here, which means that richer countries tend to have, uh, lower rates of open defecation than poorer countries do. But India is really far from that trend line. India's an outlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Saatva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got some exciting stuff coming up. What you got? Road dates galore. I have a- Road beef galore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We added a Sunday show in Breast Ball Beach. Uh, that's August 26th. The, uh, the rest of the weekend is sold out Friday, Saturday. Uh, in your jeans, Oregon, there's about a hundred tickets left at the second show. Less than that for the second show in Boy's Seed, Idaho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fresno, Bakersfield, and Fartmire's Florida are on sale. Jack Miyafil is really strong. Second show in Orlando is in Fuego as well. Come Gus to Georgia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what, Montclair, New Jersey, the Wellmont, uh, November 15th is sold out. November 15th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went there last tour, it was fantastic. That means that there might, might be a show coming to, to, you know, in addition to that, so. Uhm. In Smart Claire? Yea, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'll add- Mount her, Claire? I don't know yet. Uh, and in, uh, Temecula, Pachanga!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think Judork Titties does, yea. I mean it's in the name of the city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we got Persian Jews, Russian Jews, all kinds, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. There you go. Uhm, very excited. God, there's so much to talk about today. It's very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First day back, a lot of those shows were pre-recorded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Gene, it is time to go back to doing our favorite thing that we do, and that is the Your Mom's House Pomcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it is. It's been a minute. We're back. We're gonna talk about your hair. We're gonna talk about my movie. The only things that have happened in the last month that have affected our lives. I got a new shirt. There's all that to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's it. We're going to talk about it now. That's all we got. I got a new shirt too. Okay. Well here we go. Let's open our show. Old school. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like a level of elation doing this again. It's been a while. It's really exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non-gender specific paperwork. I was given a hard time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aka Razz. Razzle Dazzle is going to live life not knowing that pink is for girls and blue is for boys and all that nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our eldest, I gave him a little football and I said, men play football and hockey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he didn't say that. No, I didn't say that, but I was like, you could be a man, or you could, uh, not, you know? What sports do you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is ours. I'm doing the paternity test, raising him as my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought we were gonna have a duel. Yeah. Fuckin' thing, Cardi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so everybody knows, I get asked this a lot, they're like, you know, people assume my gender, they assume my age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 39. I don't even know the lifestyle you live. I don't know what it's like to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, a dinner. Yeaah. With like people that I choose. No surprises at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got to, like all my medical fantasies, I got to kinda, you know, really-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this thing with women about like, oh you're not gonna feel the pain? Why do you guys do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, you're so, it's funny, you can be in, it's funny you can look at something and not notice something in the same eye line. Because I'm seeing him crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well because you're, here's the thing is you're not like, looking at it like, oh that's what, it's, it's your wife and your baby and you're going back and forth and the nurse is saying this, the doctor is saying this, so you're, you're just seeing it and it doesn't register, you know? And then when he's actually coming out of you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I see like his head hanging out of you, you're emotional and you're also like, I'm looking at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I'm, you know, I'm seeing my baby come in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not. But it's still a thing, and here's the thing, I'm seeing him, he's hanging out of you, but even though he's this far apart from you, he's still in you, I don't actually see your parts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I laughed in her, I laughed in her face when she asked me something and she got very upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I asked her out. Wait, what'd you ask her? I asked her, like, just a question about, uhm, a visitor coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, at your house? And I go, yeah. I'm asking you if somebody can spend the night at my house. I figured I'd come to the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And ask the hospital staff who can spend the night at my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I didn't fully mock her, I just kinda giggled like, of course I'm not asking you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got, and she, she gave me like two really smart ass answers and she looked at the rest of the girls and you could tell that they, uhm, you know, bow to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, he just, I think he's seen us more in beds. That's all we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the internet's a nice place. That's the one thing I've learned about the internet. It's full of nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, she's a very smart lady. She knows. So. Yeah. Anyways. I'm really disappointed that she, um, you know, did it without us, but. It's very.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been flirting with nurses, but you have found yourself another man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe. Nice. He is so fucking gross. I kinda like him. Now here's the thing I don't like. Why is he wearing a shirt if he wants to be on our show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is a really cool camera angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uptight, it's underneath. He's got on his tinted indoor glasses. Big creepy teeth. Big old creepy teeth. I mean it's so close. The camera has nothing but his face in frame. But I can see that there's a shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she would be looking for, she's like, she's flipping through guys that are nice, and then she sees this guy who's like, I want teddies in my face, and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had 15 orgasms before he came. That's what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's really, he's down to lay it down, he's gonna drop it in you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this guy, oh my god, that guy is really fucking disturbed. Yeah, this guy is just, he's horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's got a bad sense of what to do with that. Like what he should be doing with how bad he wants to have sex. Instead of making this video, just go see a prostitute, man. Like what are you doing? Just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have door number one, door number two, and door number th- and you're talking about right now, right now, right now, right now. That guy's an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And try it out guy, and this guy, this is your best bet. Not even close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't know, I don't, I think, you see this guy knows, like he's like, I've been polite. I think he actually, he knows kind of how to act a little bit. You know, I don't think he's actually a, see this video for him is a different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, throw of the bait. See, like what he did was, he did videos where he's like, I like, I like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he tried it, and since he didn't get any response, he was like, I've been polite. I'm really good at sex, I like to have sex. He did that, thinking that that'll work. He's actually just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharing too much. That's his problem. He doesn't know that this is not a good tactic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy will make me cum? Like, he doesn't know that, but he thinks that that might work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is when they go like, I don't get it, you know, I just told her I'd fucking make her cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you though, as somebody who obviously doesn't, if somebody, if a woman


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on Tinder and this girl is like, are you down to fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my thought, and maybe this is just my own insecurity, I'd be like, oh this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting catfished right now, right? And if she was like, just let me see how big that dick is, I'd be like, you gotta be kidding me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would I ever believe that that's sincere? Because it seems so out of left field to get from a woman that I'd be like, this is not normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that they're out there. I'm saying the, the, even the lady who's just putting out there. The lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or a bot or like a prostitute. Yeah, how could you be, I mean, that's the thing is I would, I don't know, I just wouldn't buy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless she goes, I'm, but see, it's more believable, I think, if a woman's like, I'm not looking for a relationship. Like that word play seems more believable, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say the girl just wants to hook up. Her saying like, no strings, I just want to hook up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems like, that language seems more believable than like, you got a big dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he is doing deck sale. Now check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he's getting any uhm. Takers? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how, by the way, she, yea, $20, she didn't even say anything else. No. She just didn't have to. She just looked at him probably like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the only time it ever makes sense actually thinking about it when the woman does it is the woman who doesn't know how to do the no strings attached hookup. Yes. Because for some people that's, it's, they don't know how to approach it. That makes sense to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we got a dingaling message here. It says, uh, Jeans, I was listening to 458 and you were discussing the idea of giving explanations of your body before the act occurs. Got me thinking back to my college days and I was seeing a guy that was 12 years older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After many meetings and make out sessions in the bars, he finally took me home. I was so stoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yoga instructor about to give me a free lesson. We get to his place, he tells me he has to warn me about the size of his member.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you can imagine, my mind races to so many different places with the dread of a small wee-wee. I try to remind myself of the saying, it's not about the size, but how he uses it. I let him explain with my excitement. He tells me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has some girth to it and I will more than likely bleed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I was a 21 year old promiscuous college girl, I was up for the challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We proceeded to get undressed and I was like, oh yes, definitely biggest one in my book. After a few thrusts, groans and throws, I noticed it's a bit more wet than usual. Unfortunately, the pain outweighed the alcohol and the bed looked like a murder scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was devastated and embarrassed. He told me to hop in the shower. After a while he joins me in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tells me that this isn't the first time that it's happened, did not feel embarrassed, we go back to the bedroom, and to my disbelief, he had changed all the bedding and it looked like nothing had taken place. We lay there, he tells me if I would like to, he would like for whatever this was to continue, and he promised to take it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw each other for almost a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And thankfully it was never that bad again. Thanks for reading my story. Thank you for providing me with entertainment and my commute to work. Would love to see you in the Midwest. Number one mommy, Jessica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find with my, I fight with my big stupid boyfriend all the time. Mostly because he's always taking ten to twelve Benadryl before we make it back from fitness and he comes after four strokes. Since every couple has fights, I was wondering if your genes ever get too low and loose on recording day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any advice on how to avoid or quickly end relationship fights? Thanks, Jeans. No, we're perfect. Sarah Nee from Titsburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the best, here's the best thing, uhm, my advice, we definitely have our fights like any normal couple. I think the best thing is we're actually pretty good at talking it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're good at sensing it, like, I know something's wrong, I know you're upset about something, what is it? And the thing that I've learned to do more as I got older with experience, uhm, is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you make, you know, you need to get off your chest. The other person has to listen to you. You have to listen to them. And as long as you try to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blah, blah, blah. Here's what it is. And this is why I'm upset about it. Do you understand why I'm upset? Yeah. And when someone like goes like, yeah, I do understand why you're upset. Well, usually a lot of what's bothering you kind of goes away and then they say it to you. Right. You're like, okay, well, at least I understand where you're coming from. Kind of resolves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's that, I also feel like this, I mean, our show is silly. We like to have a fun time. We do, we joke around, we play crazy videos and drops, and we have fun. So, if like I'm, if I'm in an argument with you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, I mean, I understand the curiosity of someone being like, oh, I'd like to hear the argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, to me, it's not the vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, if you try, if you say something during an argument that can cause irreparable damage, it will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you, you have to kinda keep it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's really what I wanted to get into with you too. It's like, why aren't we doing this? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish this thing went into the, more into the depths of like, I wish it followed them around and showed them interacting with just like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a nice old guy at a cafe is like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There should just be a show by the way. I feel like it would be a number one hit. Where you just show old people things like this. I would love that show. And just have them go like, I don't understand what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes he plays with girls and he knows that like this girl is acting different than the boy. Right.


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[Assistant] And then they turn like eight and they're like, Hey, I don't want to do that thing anymore. I've been doing, cause that's for other, that's for the other sex. And you're like, yeah, that's good. You just hit a certain age. You figured that out.


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[Assistant] What? Did you decide that? It's like, no, I, I'm a boy, right? Do you think you are? Think of that, how that's gonna...


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[Assistant] And tell me how you feel when I'm done with you in three minutes.


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[Assistant] They could very, like, anyone can be transgender. I'm serious. I feel like that's completely, obviously legit. Anyone can be transgender. Of course! But to tell a little...


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[Assistant] I don't know. That kid doesn't know what's going on.


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[Assistant] You don't have to, if it's your boy, you don't have to be like, it's just trucks and football.


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[Assistant] And also, they say there's research that shows, they don't show the research though. Like, what did you do, Zer? Did you?


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[Assistant] Did you pull five of your zims and then they told you that? That's your research? Okay.


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[Assistant] Here is a quick message we got, uhm, regard. It says, Hi Belch King and Queen Queen.


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[Assistant] I was watching your podcast, which I do sometimes in order to see the videos you talk about. I'm glad I did for episode 457.


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[Assistant] While Tom was deciding who to fuck between ShitPig, Sissy, and FremontTriedOutGuy, I noticed he adjusted what looks like to be his gland penis while deciding on ShitPig. Is this acting or is he just getting horned up by ShitPigs? Silly, silly. Can you explain yourself, Derek? Well here's the moment right here. Silly. Let's see. Okay, let's see. See, I think I'm fucking that guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm jerking off right here. I'm getting my four strokes in. 50 times, 50 times. Yeah, I mean, what can I say? You caught me, okay? You caught me. Is it so bad that a shit pig turns me on? That guy was willing to do anything. He was like pissing my shit in my mouth. Is this the sissy?


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[Assistant] I was so turned on by him. I mean, just that conversation got me worked up. Yeah, I confess, it turned me on.


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[Assistant] And uh, well yeaah, alright. Give us a moment to get our life together.


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[Assistant] Are you ready for it? I didn't have a chance to edit it down. I just have some conversation with Charo and Tom.


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[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of death talk. It was, it was fun. He also, um, I had this thing going. People heard it on the, I don't think you were here for this. You weren't because my mom was here where I was like, let's try to get, let's talk to dad about you smoking weed while you're out here. You know, we have like a little bet going and everything.


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[Assistant] Anyways, I brought that up like immediately with them. Alright, so can we, can mom just try a small dose without you getting really upset? No. Why? What's the big deal? It's a big deal. Why is it a big deal? It's embedded in my character. But it's not a big deal.


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[Assistant] So what she's doing right then is being like, Hey man, like why not? Cause she knows, I pulled her aside and she was like, it's going to break his heart. Like even if I do this bit, I was like, come on, just fucking do it.


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[Assistant] Because she knew that he wouldn't be able to take it. Yeah, but you know it's an antiquated point of view on it for sure.


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[Assistant] So Charo has a lot of anxiety for people that don't know. So, it's a good, it's a really good lie.


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[Assistant] What if I said mom can take this cookie.


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[Assistant] I'm asking you if you knew that it could, like, deal with the anxiety, you still would be like, nope.


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[Assistant] I'd rather you take a pharmaceutical drug, not this drug, to deal with the anxiety. I like pharmaceutical drugs.


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[Assistant] So what, but I'm saying, what if it cured your anxiety? You still would be opposed to it. Okay.


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[Assistant] That's so annoying to me. It's so annoying to me, that line of thinking.


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[Assistant] You missed, you missed on the last episode that's in the audio.


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[Assistant] If you watch on YouTube, you should go to the audio version of the previous episode. Right before Nikki Glaser comes on, I dropped in.


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[Assistant] A dental update with my parents. And he told the story about in Vietnam when the guy tried to sell him weed and he put an M16 in his mouth and had his platoon piss on the weed.


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[Assistant] I'm saying logically when you have the conversation with someone, you're like...


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[Assistant] So this could help. It's not that, but it's this. And they're like, well, it can't be that. It's gotta be this that helps.


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[Assistant] I just, part of my core character. Is what? That I never wanted, I just never have.


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[Assistant] That's horrible. The buzzing is making me crazy.


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[Assistant] I can't do it with the buzz. It's too much. Sounds terrible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's press pause for a second. Let me see if there's something I can do here. Just real quick. Alright, we uhm, try to troubleshoot it a little bit. Let's see if this is any better.


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[Assistant] There, see that? That was gross. I'm addicted to you daddy.


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[Assistant] I have an announcement to make. I gotta tell you, I wrote a really good joke, I think, when I was high the other day. Like I don't call him and tell him that, you know?


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[Assistant] I really think you should try it. I actually have a bunch in the house


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[Assistant] Well, I really feel like it's a, it's an opportunity for you to maybe even


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[Assistant] And this might be the solution to it, but you're not going to find out because of some antiquated built-in view on something.


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[Assistant] I mean I was in the kitchen with her. So there's a website, I think I've told you about this, that's dedicated to encouraging you to fart in a recording for people to hear.


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[Assistant] Here we go. I am gay, transgender, male, and that just wants a good old fashioned Latina woman farting where I can shower her with money because she just won't piss on me or beat on me. Go ahead, try it out. That's from Zach.


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[Assistant] I think people go like, oh yeaah, you know, it's a big fart, I have big farts too, and I'm like, you don't understand. I mean, it literally, it sounded like...


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[Assistant] Is that for real? Yea, that's for real. Look at her. Nice looking girl. She can burp like that. That's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I can't play it right now. I asked them to tell a story and they wouldn't tell the story anyways. It's poop related. Can we just say that? It's poop related, yeah.


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[Assistant] Anyways, yeaah, he was like, I can't, I can't tell it. Like, she was soooo against him telling the story, so.


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[Assistant] I think I have like the cleanest butthole on the neighborhood. Wow.


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[Assistant] That's my own view, okay. I've asked Christina, she said no, she won't do it. Why? You're clean. That's what I said.


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[Assistant] I've taken pictures of my poop before. I've made videos of myself.


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[Assistant] I've played it on the show before. No, this is a joke. Yea, diarrhea, like, big diarrhea. No, this has to be. I swear. I swear. This is so disgusting. Cause it sounds really crazy.


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[Assistant] He told me I got it. He told me I have to skip this one too. God damn it. I know, he told me I can play it, uhm, later. Okay.


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[Assistant] So, I just have to, I have to respect that they asked me. So.


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[Assistant] We'll see what, let me see where I can, I haven't, but I won't play it.


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[Assistant] I have to, I'm sorry, I know people are gonna be like, come on, you're a dick. It's like, look, I had them in here, we talked, and then they called me later and said,


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[Assistant] Don't play this portion of our conversation. How can I, I mean I can't be like, well, fuck you. You talked. Of course. I'm telling, I'm telling it now. Shelby County, Kentucky.


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[Assistant] They made me laugh so hard though. He did tell me I can play these at a later date. These two little parts of it.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. No, we have to do it. And I'll tell Blue Band, I actually have a date that I can play it on.


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[Assistant] She didn't tell you this. She is down at the Hard Rock in Fort Lauderdale with Jane. Fart Lauderdale.


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[Assistant] Just in a sea planar. Oh, he was there. Yea, remember the guy came up and hit on her.


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[Assistant] He may have been, he might have been like right close to saying that, we just will never know I guess. I don't know, I don't think she would respond well to that though.


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[Assistant] He did a seminar on flirting on this show. I wish I knew the episode number cause I'd like to bring it back.


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[Assistant] Where I got him, I was like, so how did he, he goes into the whole bank, he brings up the bank teller here in a moment, but he, I said like, what's it, some of these guys, I go, a lot of guys listen to our show and he was like, you know, when you're getting coffee, do you prefer?


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[Assistant] I've seen him do like dad boner flirts before, which is like, you know, harmless stuff.


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[Assistant] Especially if it's a waitress day now. Uh oh. I know. A care role. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So gross. I got to be, I didn't, I can't tell, I don't want to tell the whole thing, but in this movie that I was shooting, the reason that this episode is delayed, I got to be a real creep.