[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This happened at the area your gang hangs out. You're known for playing basketball at this part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was by my house kind of where I grew up and it's all bad bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time he was like, hey, we're gonna give you 8 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just going there like, can I just do weekends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm busy right now man. Showtime special. You know you talk to other gang members that don't know shit and they're like, hey homie, just take it to the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end of the day, they're gonna see that evidence is low and they're gonna offer you three years. Take it and do half time. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see what happens, you know? So my, my lawyer's postponing it, postponing it, postponing it, finally gets to the point where the judge is like, look, three years, I can't give you half, but I'll give you 80%. And the lawyer doesn't even know I'm a comedian now, I do charities and shit, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember I stand in front of the judge and he was just like, yo man, we find you guilty bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the craziest shit. You were convicted in the people's court? You know what's funny is I never watch fucking people's court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, so when they say you're guilty, you don't get a sentencing. They don't sentence you yet. You go to a sentencing trial next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the, the, the defense was, is look, George plays basketball a lot there. George did not do this to this guy. He might have, cause I told that for, look, we gotta be honest, dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end of the day, the lawyers gonna, the judges, how I look at it, judges look at you and they're like, if you're a fucking liar, we're going to lock you up. Right. And I wasn't lying. I told them I'm not going to sit up there. I can't lie like that. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all these letters, I had everyone write letters cause I'm fi- when you fight it, I had a lawyer so I can fight it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that the judge said you're guilty, they put me in jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'm in jail and I can't fight this and I'm waiting for sentencing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm thinking in my head, fuck I'm gonna get seven years. You know, you're not even thinking, oh I'm gonna do comedy. I'm more like, fuck my family, my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom. Ha. The Judge Wapner came out from people's court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, you look like a lot of good people came and spoke for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, at this time I got my girlfriend pregnant, like she's pregnant with my daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Year and a half. I'm thinking I have a year and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now, now you wait in the county and then there's this thing called the chain. The chain is when they chain you up, they put you on a bus and they drive you to Wasco. They got a prison up there in Bakersfield that's called Wasco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm locked up by my house, so my family's gonna come see me on Christmas. And I was like, but fuck it, you wanna get there? Cause when you get to prison, you're, it's different. The county, you're in a, I'm in a jail cell 23 hours a day. Cause I'm a high risk inmate. Gang, all that bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's who they align themselves with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't want to eat and listen to nobody else. So when you hang out with us, the Mexicans, you eat with us and you're allowed to shower with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. All the politics. Nice. So, yeaah man, you gotta remember this, I've never been to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. What the fuck is gonna happen? That moment happens once I exited that bus. Because they strip you down of everything and when you leave the county, you don't want to take shit with you. So you leave all your food. Hey man, this is for you guys. You know, good luck fighting your case. Here's your pencils, your paper, your stamps. All that stuff that's needed. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just show up to prison with all the letters from your family, lyrics from songs, cause you always, that's how you make music in there is people send you the lyrics and you sing them. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have all my lyrics, my letters, my addresses, the phone numbers of people I needed to talk to, and the iPhone's not out yet. So you gotta remember, like, it's, it's aw fuck. And then you get off the bus, you have no underwear on, no socks, you just got a ghetto ass jumpsuit with fucking sandals on, you're fully shackled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Django. You've seen Django? Yea, of course. You're like that, but without the shit on your like- Right, like ankles and wrists. Yea, so it's a real- Like shuffling. Yea, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get off the bus and you walk into an office like this, there's a desk, there's women, men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they tell you, ayy, get butt fucking naked right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hanging out with no- you're not supposed to be next to a black guy, next to a gay guy, next to a transsexual, next- you're not- you don't- you don't even know who you're around right now, so in your head you're going, fuck, once these cuffs come off, I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom, once the cuff comes off. All right. Hey, where you from? All right. They put you in like cells and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was this white boy that came in his eye was all fucking bleeding and shit and I thought he got jumped. But he won the fight of this other fool that came that was more fucked up. Woah. And then you look at the signs and they say no warning shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then yeaah, then you wait in a, you wait like in a, it'll be like a building like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like cells, but they hold 300 people. And they're already separating you blacks, whites. They do it to you. Well they're asking you, why don't you go in, hey man, who you gonna run with? It's not even, it's like it's already established.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, when you look, if, if I go to prison, they look at all my tattoos, they're like, what's up, homie? Hey, your people are over there, dog. That's your car right there, Orange County. Hey, that's your car. Your car's over there. So, whew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not going to see for a while and sheriffs are way different than correctional officers, correctional officers live with you in the prison. It's like you live together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're plotted off, like if you were a, you look like a CEO, sorry. Yeah, it's all good. You have that look of like, I fucking smashed Cholo's when I'm bored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's sharp, he's clean. Yeaah. You can tell, like, that's, cause we both try to out-sharpen each other, like, oh, I'm gonna get to other shit, dog. Go ahead, keep asking. Let me ask you this, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's the Mexican blood in your family? It's not, I was adopted, man. I'm actually Irish, so I'm Irish. Oh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grew up with Latin. I don't know, I don't know the way the whites live. Cause it's the way your culture. Yeah, it's how you live. And check it out dog, like I'm not from a gang, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna roll with you guys if that's cool. And then from there on though, that's it. That's it. You cannot no longer leave groups. That's, that's it. That is it, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, I don't fuck around bro. We, we started a riot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I'm, we fucking started a riot, and it was fucking crazy, and we did a gangster too. Three in the morning, we fucking woke up, and everybody, we all passed letters out here homie, three in the morning, we're gonna get up and we're gonna check these fools and let them know who runs this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we get up at three in the morning, motherfuckers had piss in their cups, throwing it on people, we were fucking jumping people out of nowhere, the fucking, the sheriffs, see the guards would never do it, the sheriffs come on, they start shooting us in the face with, um, the paintball guns with pepper spray in them. And to them, if you get hit with the welt, you were in the fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm all fucking whelped up and shit. And then now I went to the hole. Whenever you get into a fight, you go to solitary confinement. So I'm in the hole for 21 days. And I remember I had to go to court and now you're in a red jumpsuit cause you're a dangerous inmate. So now I'm fucking shackled again, going to court and uh, and uh, and uh, you know, they're mostly all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not racist towards white people, I'm racist towards white cops because of what I've been through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And, uh, I just remember this young-ass Fowl-Roy that I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're one of those motherfuckers I was in that riot, hon. I was just like, man. You know, I'm not allowed to talk to the police, so I didn't answer him. So I'm fucking cuffed and shit, this motherfucker kicks me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fucking fall forward and like, I have to get up and defend myself and I remember getting up and I defend myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that I'm successful now though. I hate that I'm successful because I want to kick his ass, but I know the consequences. I just want to see him and be like, hey man, you want to have a talk? I just want to roast him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not mad at none of them. I'm not mad at the judge. They have a job to do. Like, this is what I learned from prison. Hey man, I fucked somebody up. I did time. It's finally over with. Like, I feel free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not allowed to talk to them, but they're more respectful. Who is? A correctional. We're not allowed to talk to no police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the correctional officers are more like, hey, good morning. Hey. Okay. How you guys doing? Hey, you guys need an extra towel? Cause they know. Do you respond to that though? Yeah, yeah, of course. Well, whenever you talk to a correctional officer or a sheriff, you have to have another person from your crew with you. Every race does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell no. God. So you always have someone else with you. Always, cause you're protecting, and then you ask for permission. You know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My bunk has ants and shit and I kinda need to spray, I need to go ask the cop or something. Alright, go ahead, homie, you're locked up. Boom. And you go with someone. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now they give you a big ol' laundry bag, like a navy style one, and it has your, it has, uh, your blues. Your blues is the pride. You got blue new jeans, a shirt like this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea, called the Bob Barkers. Yea, they're, yea, they're bad. They're vintage now. Really? Yea. Now prison has its own thing called PIA, Prisons Institutional Art, and they make all the clothes for all the prisons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's money, bro. Money, money. So, this is weird now, Tom, because like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've noticed my paperwork, they got me with the killers, cause of my record, and Wasco D4 is considered, now it's the whole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I was there, it was like, oh fuck, it gets crazy now. So now we leave this building and it's dark. This is day one still. Yeah, this is day one. And so you know, you know, you're going to your people's though, at least that. No, I don't even know that. You don't know that yet. No, I don't even know where I'm going. Like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was, if I was an inmate that wasn't crazy, they would have put me in the dormitory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I would have been around a hundred people, relaxing, talking. Hey, what's up? Nah, they put me in a two man cell. I knew it was coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's fucking towers, people on gun watching you. There's cages in the hallway that are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From that ceiling, from that bookcase to that camera, the cages and there's people in there because we'll fight those fuckers if we walk down that hallway. Now you're enemies. All my enemies are fucking in sight. No. But they're in cages and we're walking to our, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, we show up to a tower and that guy's like, hey, he's like, what do you got? He goes, I got two fools from Southern California and I got a black guy. All right, cool. I didn't know they were going to house us together. So all the blacks are on the bottom and all the Mexicans are on top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom, I walk in, they're all talking shit, what the fuck, where you from, put to us, and all that. I just, I've always known you don't say shit, you just do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I'm biting my tongue and I see a homie upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job homie. Cause- You recognize the dude? No, no, no. He could tell I'm one of him cause he's just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I already get the signs, like, you know, we talk to each other in sign language. I know how to do sign language as far as language. And is he telling you just- Yeah, he's just letting me know, like- I see you, keep it, alright. Hey, you're, you're gonna come up, and he's just like, then boom, then the guard goes, so boom, I go up there, and then, once you go into your jail cell, it's mandatory that you show your paperwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To show what you're locked up for, because if that shit says pedophile, rape, snitch, you're done. That's it. That's it. So, boom, checks it out. Oh, all right. Why don't they homework? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you, and like, you got homies from your area here, like, it's, alright, cool, woody, woody, hey, that's your bunk, I get my cleaning spray, clean my bunk, woopty-woo, fucking put my clothes on, get my pictures, you know? And it's kinda weird, cause, you know, I lost my whole comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] personality. For sure. I was gonna ask you that. Yeah, now I'm just like, what's up homie? Hey shotgun, I'm from Orange Dawn. All right, cool. Boom. Hey, that's my bunk. I ain't saying I got kids. I ain't saying I do comedy. I ain't saying none of that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fucking gangster homie. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know this, but the cell that I'm going in, the guy that was just there, fucking fought the guards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In prison there's four yards, there's two yards. Okay, there's one, there's like, we call it the one side, the two side, and the three side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fourth side, that's where the piece of shits are. The rapist, pedophile, snitches, uh, transsexuals. Do they actually put them all over there? Yea, you have to. Cause if you put them- Wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, fuck this, I don't wanna be here no more, maybe they'll forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been 10 years, I wanna go back over there where there's life. Right. You know what I mean? Cause protective custody is horrible. Yea, you're just there, you don't know if your cell is a rapist, a child molester, none of that. You don't know who you're living with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's a snitch. He's a piece of shit. Yeah. That's how we look at it. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, but fuck all that. I didn't want to think about that, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I fucking go to sleep for like an hour and they raid us. Like my first time in prison. Yeah. And yeah. Alright, go ahead, what's next?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They raided all the Mexicans because we were at a war with the blacks. And that only existed on this yard. When you go to another yard, the blacks and the Mexicans weren't fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, like other, it's like communities, this community's like, nah, fuck that shit. They're like, huh. So it's weird, cause we're, we're at war with blacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a black came from another side of the prison and we weren't at war with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if they open enemy doors, you have to fucking fight. And they're doing that on purpose. Yeaah, they're bored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the biggest camaraderie ever. Like, once I got there, there was a letter that was sent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, this is the fool that's here. Boom. And people are like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this fool's from a solid neighborhood. You know what I mean? Because we've been in the game for a long time where I'm at, and I kind of know people, and uh, this is the weird fucking part. Day 5.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Showtime. I don't fucking know if it came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a commercial. Oh, fuck. By Asshole Comedy Slam. Cause Baker's, and I'm just going on ahead, what the?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Oh, but no one knows me as George Perez. I'm a shotgun. Yeah, I haven't heard my name George since I was in the county.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this commercial airs as everybody starts going like- No, no, no, no, in my head I'm a little heartbroken like, oh fuck, alright, whatever, you know? Alright, fuck it, it is what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in reception for four months. The first prison I went to was, uh, I meet a counselor, they evaluate me, they see how I am as a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They ask you like, what did you do before this? And I had to put comedian construction worker, you know, and they're like, all right, so that's the job they're going to give you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you have to have a job to be programming. If you have a job, now you're allowed to go to yard. You're allowed to go to get store, buy stuff, and shit like that. And, ay, I'm not gonna lie, Tom and Christina, I was having the best time of my fucking life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no, there was no stress of getting up. There was no stress of bills. It was just like, hey dog, how are we going to survive? How are we going to eat? And I was with a solid group of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all, like, we all looked out for each other. You guys had each other's backs. Yeaah. And, uh, this is the crazy shit is, uh, a white, a white boy cholo that's half white, half man. The, the guy that was my celly, he, he, he was, he got, took out, he, he was a medicator, he was fucking weirdo. Fucking weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't know what to do, he was like, oh fuck, turn the light on, man, turn the light on, we're not gonna get in trouble if we turn the light on. He was just like, oh alright, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I honestly think to this day that he told, cause I was in there working out, like fucking talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was in there wor- you have to work out, it's mandatory. Is it? It's for- for my people, you have to get up in the morning when we wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like say we're in prison right now? Yea. I'd wake up and be like, Spencer on the tira. This is shotgun from Orange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, but see, I'm not allowed to go eat yet, cause I'm with high killer inmates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they just open your door and they throw the food in on a tray and then you got like four minutes to eat it and then get the tray back. So it's a bad motherfuckers and you're off. Dude, let go of Tom. Tom. I'm in Bakersfield. And uh, there's a, there's a, there's a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never ever been scared of a Crip. That was the biggest fucking Crip I've ever seen. This fool looked like he made buster rhymes look little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like Buster Ryan, he was swore as fuck he was in there for killing three people. Stupid ass fool, shot someone at a club in the hallway, like, like, in the club. This fool shot fools in the club, and he was being a very disrespectful dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We- I guess other Mexicans fuckin' stabbed them before this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he decided to piss on one of our doors because when they let you out, they, they use the showers upstairs or we use the showers downstairs. Don't ask me why, but the cops want to see some shit. Yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, that was the biggest fucking dude I've ever seen ever. And you had to, did you had to go like- No, like whoever, like whoever had to get him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. The other races. The blacks? Oh, they would call us, uh, Mexicos. Mexico. Beaners, wetbacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mexicans from America made to, to Mexicans from Mexico. It's like, come on homie, I ain't like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Iron your pants, dawg. What the fuck are you wearing? You look like a chewing bottle, dawg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mexicans and whites are allies. Like, we live by the same code. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got locked up in California, joined us. I wouldn't say us, cause I'm, they joined the Mexicans and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get out, INS deport you. Cause you no longer have rights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're from a different country, like they'll take you to Russia, Africa, they don't fuck around. Get out of here. Shit. So they shot those fools to the Middle East. Ohhh, gotcha. And they were fucking like, what's up? Like, what's up homie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is reception prison. This is a four month period. This is a four month. So now I wait on myself. Is this still Wasco? Yea, Wasco. And now I see a counselor and they're like, alright. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend at the time was real smart and she goes, hey, if I write them a hardship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll send you to a prison too closer to us so we can visit you. So you know, I was with the smart chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it's Old Navy Barracks in Norco. It's right here. It's in Riverside, Norco. Off the 15. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty fucking scary, bro, because, uh, I've never been around other- It's a level 2 yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're in prison, there's a level one yard. That's where Chang, Tommy Chang, when he got locked up, he was at a level one yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, everyone's gonna do two years, one year, you're going home. It's relaxed. Okay. Level two yard is where I'm at. It's like, you know what? It's chill, but shit goes down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got people that are coming in from a level 3 yard, just to have fun, they're gonna fuck around and go right back. Right. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then level four yard is where I was at originally. Like it's just after nine o'clock, if you say a word, you're going to get beat up in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got this- fuck dude. I didn't even tell you that. Oh man, I forgot about that. Wasco? I seen my friends from elementary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Hey homie, I thought you were gonna be a comedian and make it. Like you're making us look bad. And I was like, whoa, that's gotta hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now you're doing it though. Yeah, yeah. I remember this one gangster, my homeboy Big Sleeps from Basset out there, shout out to you, my boy, gave me a lot of knowledge. He grabs me. He goes, hey homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My son came in on visiting and he's seeing you and he goes, that's that fool dog. He used to do comedy at Casa Latina. That's that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's real. He's with the business. He's funny. And the dad was like, I see you here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to go show the world what gangsters are, that we're still funny, that we can fuck around, like, don't ever come back here. And I was like, wow, that's some real shit right there, OG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Alright, well, sorry for the sentimental. No, no, that's great, man. Yeaah. I never get to talk like this to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's tatted up and the first one broke my heart, but I was like, fuck, what am I? He got the same thing. Me, all my family, we've got our last names on her stomach. You know, that's the Mexican thing. And he got it. And his cousin did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I remember my fucking son, stupid ass, goes to Ohio, and gets locked up in Ohio. Nooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like, DUI kind of shit? Fighting. Fighting. Yeaah. He's, yeaah. And I remember he was just like, dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody would even talk to me because of the tattoos I had. Right? You're so lucky you weren't a California fool. Yea. Yea, a lot of people don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that how that work, who gave you that? Yeaah, and I'm just like, oh, the homie right here from La Puenta, he blessed me with this, that's what you say. Yeaah. You know, the homie right here, my homie Ardy right here, Santana blessed me with that. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's, it's kinda like, you know, like when someone has like, uh, uh, a calendar and it has


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 07, 06, 05, those are all the years he did. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your last name, your city, everyone gets portraits of their mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you want to wait for that one? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I still want to forget. That happens in the later time. Okay, no, no, we'll wait. Yeah. Hey dude, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have nightmares of this shit, Tom, two, three times a week. Fuck, I'm sorry, I don't mean to give you nightmares or bring it up. No, no, it's, it's, it's weird, cause like, you know, uh, I used to do a lot of fucking coke, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only drug that I could do and still be responsible. Weird shit. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been sober now for like 11, 10 months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Coke. Yeaah. Like, I'll have withdrawals once every 2-3 months, but it's cool because I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' my brain up and then. Dude, I had this dream that I was in fuckin' prison again and it was weird. Like I was in prison with my normal clothes and my cellphone and I was like trying to throw it away. I'm gonna get in trouble. It was horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His son tells me the same shit you said. About, yea. He goes, dad. Cause my daughter met me when I got out of prison and I was completely fucking different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sons had me before. Oh, right. So they know who that guy was. Yeaah. And I remember my kids telling me, remember when you fucked that fool up for the parking spot? I was like, dog, it was Black Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck, yeaah. Nah, but it, it, it has... Honestly, man, I'm glad I went to prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It made me realize what the consequences were if I do this shit again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deal with this shit once a week. Like, I work with us drugies, homeless people, real pimps. Real fucking pimps. Real prostitutes. And I remember just the other day I was driving and I have to go to this alley to leave my work and this fool was like, fuck you, puto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I stopped the car, and I reverse it, and as I'm reversing it, I'm just thinking about my kids, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other dude showed the store three hours. What am I fucking doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember just going, you know what man, for your head, go ahead and walk by. I, I, I, one thing about prison is you'll learn to talk to people. Because if you had a problem with me, you'd walk up to me, hey George, you know what, you're looking at me weird at times and I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's cause you have a problem with me, I said something before like, so what's up homie? Do you have a problem or not? Cause I don't want to live in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So I did that to that guy. I go, hey man, I work right there in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talked shit to me yesterday, like did you not know it was me or like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know him, he was like, oh yeaah, and I was just kind of, and then you know the old gangster came out of me, I was like, yeaah, I knew you were a fucking bitch, dawg. Look at you, you're twenty fucking five. You're a disgrace, homie. Like if you get locked up, dawg, you're gonna find out what's really up. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking weird cause it's uh, no, it's, it's different. You have a bunkie here too? Yea, now it's R&R but now I have a bunkie and I'm in a dormitory with a hundred inmates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it can, it could go every day of the week, it could go, no, for five months, whatever's going down, whatever, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prison is a place where it tells you what you need to do. Right. You know, if someone fucks up and like say you gotta go home tomorrow, Tom. Me, you're on the yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a guard walks up to you and just spits in your fucking face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be the stupid ass and do something back. Not, instead of saying, hey dog, I'm going on tomorrow, dog. You can fuck me up today. Motherfuckers don't think like that in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Alright, so now I'm doing my four year term. It's uh, it was kind of weird because now I'm with gangsters that are druggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this place. This place is way more like, usually when an alarm goes off, it is a riot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this place, when the alarm goes off, someone's running with drugs. Oh really? Yeaah. Dude, it's, they, I was at this place called the California, Hotel California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a building that was 11 stories high and we were all on each story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you walk up, you have to walk up the stairs. And fuck shit went down in those stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, I don't know, people look at prison like it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Constantly getting hit up. It's not really like that. It's like you wake up, you hang out with your people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kevin Christie was just here, he knows how to fucking draw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight up or yeaah, or like some people could draw your mom or your dad. Oh, thanks. That's it. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm doing halftime, right? So they put me in a program called SAP, substance abuse program. And in this program, I'm with all these fucking lame ass druggies and shit. And it's for halftime. So, uh, my counselor sees me and she's like, you know what, there's a mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How far into your sentence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna do- oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh fuck, that was wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My job was wild. My first job was, uh, I was on the yard crew. Yard crew is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I check out equipment to everybody that's in prison. What kind of equipment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sandbags to work out cuz we you would put sand in like, uh, you see this pant leg. Yeah


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the bottom, put sand in and then put a hole here and those are your weight curls. Wow. And, uh. Cause you can't have the weights. Hell no. When the weights were in, people were getting killed like right and left. Imagine working out and then someone just drops a 45 on your head. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, hey man, I got Sacramento coming down here and I need to show them rehabilitated inmates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, it's weird, I dress better in prison than I did now. Wait, this is the warden telling you this? Yea, the warden comes to the program and he goes, I heard you're a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, yeah I am sir. You know, I'm trying to get the fuck out for sure. He goes, well, uh, you wanna put on a show? And I go, am I a lot of cuss? He goes, mmm, nah. No, no racism, no cussing. Alright, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not worried about being funny, Tom. Yeah. I'm worried about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, am I gonna say something that's gonna get me stabbed? Am I gonna- Of course. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I said this on Rogan, man. It was cool. He was just like, hey man, you can take the rest of that Kentucky Fried Chicken and that two liter Dr. Pepper back to your pad. And I remember going back to my jail cell with that shit and everybody like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta remember, I'm in the hotel. There's three other, there's three other yards to this prison. I'm in the drug program. Right. So now that we find out I'm not supposed to be in this program, they send me to the three side. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm loving it, I'm cool. You are, okay. I mean dude, I could, I'm loving this shit. I don't wanna be with drugs, I wanna be with gang members. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suicide thoughts or like, if you hear people speak it in your head, you take this drug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people come to the, are invited to the show? The whole program was there. The whole program. Like Sacramento was there, like the people that like evaluate, oh, you know, this person is doing a great job. And they're like, oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm over here, I'm with real gang members, and some of these fools I know from the streets. And they're like, what's up fool, I heard you were here, oh shit. Even my hom- a fool from my gang is in there. Oh wow. Oh really? Yea, like, I remember going to Yard, and that was the first time I heard my name, I heard, hey Georgie, and I turned around, what the fuck? Oh shit, what's up Evans? And,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guards are all Mexican. It was cool. All the guards are Mexican and uh, they were like, hey homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know who you are and, uh, would you do a show for us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the guards? Yeah, and I'm like, what do you mean dude? I go, I can't. You know what I mean? And I was just like, and I, you know, cause you had to ask for permission. So I bought the guy with me and he goes, hey dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you ask these fools if you can just do all the dorms that way everybody, all the inmates get to see you do comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you know, I'm not, I'm not gonna go up there fucking biting the bullet. I formed a crew. I got me a feature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tweaker. He got locked up because, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uh, I guess there's like a base around here, Los Alamitos base. Okay. And he would, he would jump into like the water and steal like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Koi fish are like a thousand dollars or some shit. You know when you meet a smart druggie, he was that full but he was fucked. And he had this one joke that killed me. He had fucked up teeth. He was like, yea, I used to call girls on the party line and I would tell them I'm chisel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just killed me, he did it better. But yeah man, I did, uh. How would you, how would you open like your prison show? You know what I mean? Like when you got up there. Dude, this fool brought me up the smoothest. He was like, you can see him on Showtime shit, you can see him on the yard now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. No, I mean I would just fuckin', I would come out. I mean it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, Mexican people don't get disrespected by this, alright, but it's fucking easy to do a Mexican show because there's not that many Mexican comedians. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying by that? Like, so I would just go up there and boom. I know what to do. And then I'd give him the smart part of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeaah, but I did it. It was more like, nah, I was, I mean yeaah, that's a great question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you take it off and you hang it up. Every day you had to wash your clothes by hand after work. No shit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five thirty, well, it's at four thirty, the guard will walk by and be like, Perez, wake up, you gotta go to work. I know you, I know your routine. Go ahead, jump in the shower, cause you're not allowed to be in the showers at those times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm in a dormitory, so there are showers and restrooms. You could use a restroom, but the showers ain't allowed to turn on unless it's for a worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drugs, and the cops, the cops are like overpaid babysitters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're more like, look, you're not gonna get in trouble if you're fucking in your bunk. So stay in your bunk. That's all they want. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom, my homeboy Peewee, he worked with me. What's up Peewee, I know you're not listening, but what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We still talk to this day too. He got out and, uh, we would go to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now the guard, you leave your building and you're walking down the hallway and you have an identification card. And on the back of it, it tells the other guard your duties. He's allowed to be at this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to cut enough meat for every inmate in all the prisons. So you know, I know my math, I'm smart bro, I graduated high school, I went to junior college for one year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I'm one, one semester, I didn't say one year, one semester, one quarter, whatever this shit is, maybe a couple months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was the shit at that. Like when we would steal, I wouldn't steal. I would put it like, look, we sent this there, but it never got there. We took it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now you have to go through a checkpoint. The guard search you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you meet up with all your coworkers and that's the best shit. You know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surrounded by eggs. Oh, I would make bomb rack. We would have french toast. What? Scrambled eggs. How often? Every morning. Every morning? Yeah. I'm in charge of the food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't know because the guards ain't in charge of you no more. There's this thing called free staff, is they hire people that are in charge of, like these people have worked at juveniles and now they want to make more money so they go get a job at a prison. Like you got a dentist in a prison that's free staff, you have a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that shit called? Psychiatrists, counselors, those are all free staff people that are making like, do you want to be a cook for 18 bucks or be a 45 dollar an hour cook in prison?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad, ah fuck, I've never been a pervert to that point of view, but like, there's a price to pay for that, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you get, if you get caught jacking off, it's kinda like disrespectful to somebody. So I wasn't even more like, I remember one time I jacked off once taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was just like, fuck, I'm taking it. I remember Free Staff, Free Staff was like, go, go use that restroom. You have to hurt me, cut me in her restroom. I was just like, fuck this shit. And then it came back out. I had a bomb one. Like, I don't know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would smell women and that would fuck me up. The smell of perfume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, sitting down, so you just look like you're shitting. It's a huge, you know. That's your regular spot though? No, that's not, I mean, every, like, okay, so like, say this is a bunk, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it was just like, yo dawg, I'm gonna bust a nut, keep pointin' for me. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what do they expect you guys to do? Never jerk off? Yeah, but it's for other inmates, for other races.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you don't want to start a war with the whites because you're looking at this white dude jacking off. Right. Or the black guy, you know what I mean? You don't want to start a war with a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cover yourself. Go handle it. It's weird. Plus, you don't want to be caught by your enemy jacking off. Hey, keep pointing for me, dawg. If something happens, let me know. Yeah, yeah. Oh wow. So now wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just, let's just say you're a dentist. Okay. And you have to have inmates work for you now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're x-rays, we got to go do your paperwork, so, you know, it starts off, hey, good morning, hi, and then you're bored, you're there 12 hours a day. I'm writing you love letters every fucking- I'm not tur- Tom. No, no, no, I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. So you're like, here Christina, this is for you. And you're like, oh my god, look, you gotta remember, I'm fucking ripped. I don't need sugar, I don't need salt, I work out every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm gonna convince you, you know what homegrown?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now there's no cigarettes here. And they really don't trip on you, so eh, if you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna show you, I'm gonna show you how strong I am, Christina. Okay. Boom, money order goes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousand bucks at the crib. She'll bring that sh- and dude that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It happens usually, it happens everywhere, but it usually happens on the like the higher yards, where it's just like, you're bored. You don't have a husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was, when I was there, when I left, cause I still kept in contact with some of the guys I was locked up with, they were like, hey, remember that chick I was trying to bone you? She was boning another in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it, it, it happens with guards too. It happens with everybody, counselors. It's just, it's the hustle. Cause it's an isolated world too, you know? Yeaah. It's like an opera. Yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you're not gonna get raped because it's not allowed. It's, it's, uh, it's fucking more frowned upon than anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gay activity in prison is like, yo homie, you're done. Like, they're gonna kill you. Like, there was a guy going home. This happened in another, another dorm next to mine. Three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another man convinced him to let him suck his dick and somebody seen it. It was three in the morning in the fucking shower. I remember being on yard this day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chillin'. You know, uh, if it's baseball season, they check out baseball bats. If it's football season, they check out football's baseball season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both of them. Your own race has to handle it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was just like, it's, it's not to be played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our races don't play that shit. I don't know what those other races are playing. I'm sorry, you're us too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm Christine, I'm like, does this fool beat me? Does he take my money? Does he let me spend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if he's good to me, if he's only being a dick to fools that make coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I'm fucking backing my boy up. Thank you very much. Yeah. The voice of reason has spoken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only because you're the father of the children. You're doing it for the kids now, but like at the end of the day, you know what fucker? You're not drinking coffee no more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, then I would trip. If you tip, you gotta trip. Yeah, I tip well too. Yeah, I tip well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I get it from the strip club and it, and it works. If you tip, but if they, if they, if I tip good and you're taking forever, aw, I don't like that shit. It, it is. You're good. You're good. I got your back now. Thanks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fuck up all the time. He fucking loves me. He's tripping on fools that make coffee killing him, and I'm over here not doing shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't. You can't. That's when you just gotta be like, yo homie, I'll see you at the next city. That's it. Wait, what? See you in the next city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the thing is now, the number one priority is kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So look Tom, I'm jamming with the kids, you clean this shit up, and we'll see you with some no coffee, get a sprite, and we'll see you at the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I say this? Like, I'm shotgun, doggy. I make shit happen, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In prison, I made my contacts outside. I said, look, I don't want nothing. Everybody get a hundred bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imma throw it out there, alright? Russell fucking Peters buys me a cell phone when I'm in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he goes, Edwin said, he asked about me, he's like, what's happening to George? And Edwin's like, oh dude, he's locked up. Russell, I love you brother. He didn't know he was buying me a cell phone, but he gave him money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And Edwin goes, what do you want? I said, I want a cell phone, bro. I want to talk to my kids. I want to talk to my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't at the store. I wasn't nowhere. I was doing the little Latin community and improvs and like Latin shows. I didn't know that much. I've only been at the store for four or five years now. I was doing other shit. So like, I fucking hit up my Texas Connects and I, and you gotta remember this, I'm on parole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. So no one's gonna, I can't feel my family. I gotta, I gotta risk it. So I go to fucking McAllen, Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm smart. I'm not saying this to be modest or hubris. I'm smart because I'm not gonna get locked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm fucking dressed like a square, like fucking skinny jeans, fucking OP shirt, like I look like a square.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was this cop in the crowd and she was just like, I didn't know if I wanted to arrest you or fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what the fuck? What's going on? I was nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I get her number and I'm there for four days and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delicious. Yeah, I don't get off stage until one o'clock in the morning. At this point, you know she's a cop or no? Yeah. Okay, that's what I was gonna, alright. But I thought she was like dispatch. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone's looking at me like I'm a snitch though, it was fucking weird. Oh, right. Cause we had our own halls, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's- I dated this other cop. She was ex- she was divorced from a cop and stopped being a cop. It was fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, I'm telling you, I'm like a cop to them. I'm a clean-cut fool, I'm kind of direct, I have a program I run, and that's just the shit that, but I'm different. I'm not a cornball like that for I smoke weed, I drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess he would handcuff her, like he would get mad at her and handcuff her and just leave for like 5 hours. Yeaah! She was fucked in the head. It's not her fault, it's what it was, but like yeaah, he was fucked in the head too. Fuck man, that's a cr- I haven't talked about that shit in forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that's, your friend was poor if he was in that. He was in jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, we, we, dude, we fucking made tamal this one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we grinded them out and that's the masa. And then we, I brought all the roast beef, we put it, we put it in a five gallon bucket with the stinger, warmed up, boiled, and then we got all the spices, marinated that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get fuckin' gone on Pruno. I almost shit myself because my stomach has never had nothing like that go through it. I remember almost shitting myself. Really? Hell yea. How do you make Pruno? You, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm gonna show you the real way to make promo. Okay. Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say this is a container of nuts. You get the bottom part, you cut it out, and you poke little holes in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, kinda like, uh, not holes, but like a triangle so it has teeth. Do you know what I'm trying to get at now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So now you get fruit and you use that to grind the fruit. And you're grinding this fruit in a pillowcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, because you want to strain it all just to be, that's going to be your alcohol. So you get all the fruit, boom, you, you squash it, you get all the juice out of it and then your, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would call it a stinger as well, like the center of it, like all the fruit you have together after you squeeze it, you put it back in the five gallon thing and you put sugar in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the sugar burns it, like you gotta let it, we call it burping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what would be the correct word? Is that like fermentation? Ferment. Yeah, we call it burping. Don't forget to burp it. So you, you put like a straw and then it'll ferment out the window. Cause we have windows, you know, little windows. And you let it cook for like four or five days. Six, if you're a G.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're gonna get caught with this shit cause they always search us. They're always on us. So like, say we're in prison, you would have it one night. You would have it one night. I would have it one night. Everyone who's in on it. Yeah, we're all fucking helping each other out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put it in a coffee container and sell it for 15-20 bucks each? Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you fucking just drink it and you're done. But it's not allowed no more because you fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, whatever, any, everything's currency, like if you wanna, hey homie, I'm gonna draw you a painting, let me get three lanyards, let me get a, let me get a dime piece. Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I used to smoke a lot of weed in there. Really? I would too. Where would you go to actually light up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I fucking, I got a lighter and, okay, so every locker has a lock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, remember the old Masters? Is that what it's called? Yeah, Master Lock, yeah. You know, the back has a key? You put the weed right there, you light it, and then where the thing goes in, you suck the ffff-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything. Tooth brush? Nah, that's too easy. It'll snap. Really? Yeah, right? My favorite knife was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old speed stick. And then, uh, I would, uh, your bunk is solid rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's all concrete, and when it gets real hot, it would take me like 5 hours to make it. I would just roll it, roll it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just a guy in there that's, most of them are up to no good with nothing else to do but to be bad. Cause they're not going home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate you, but you're my people, so I'm just gonna kick your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't get out of here tomorrow, we're gonna fight every fucking day until you get out of here. Where's that guy gonna go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like say you're Mexican Tom, and me and you are in there and we're not Sally's and we have a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would be like, alright homie, after lunch, get your strap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means knife. Everything, a strap is like a gun. Get your strap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll meet you in the shower, homie. Alright, cool. Cause we still respect each other and we would just stab each other to whoever died first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude on the right. And, and it's crazy too because I, I got called out to fight a, I remember, you know, there's a song by DJ Quik. He goes, you're not a killer, you's a comedian. Meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meet me in the restroom. He's like, for what? I said, we need to get down, dog. You're disrespecting me. He goes, I was just saying that to be funny. I was like, yeah, dog, but we're not at a comedy show. Like, let's go. And I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, what do you want to do? I said, I'm down to fight, homie, but if you want to get a strap, I'll get my strap. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. We'll do hands up. And I remember just beating his ass. Got him up, gave him a hug. I said, all right, we're good now. We're good. And that's how it goes. That was it. That's it. That's how men do it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Not that women don't do it like that, but like, that's how we do it. And it's- and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the guys that beat up, we still fucking talk cause of the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of these fools are out of prison now and they're hitting me up. It's fucking crazy. I want to get them on my podcast. It's fucking dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there used to be this thing called, you remember when MySpace was around? Yeaah. There was something called Morco Space. It's where like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if we're in prison, I'll take a picture of me on my shirt off, send it, and then girls that want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have that life of to get fucked hard as fuck for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Houston Improv, the 21st? That's Thursday, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what, if anybody wants to fuck with me, you wanna fuck with the real Cholo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] George P Comedy, that's all my shit. George P Comedy. I'm scared to have all those websites and shit like that. No, that's cool. Yeaah. I'm weird, but yeaah, I mean I got a lot of shit coming up. I just, I came here to fucking talk with you guys and shit. This was great. This is amazing. Yeaah, it's crazy, we didn't even scratch the fucking surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My son, my other son turns 21 next year. I'm 43 and I'll be in Vegas with both my kids in their 20s. That's pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll just do my dates, over. That's all I did, so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a dream come true, Tom. So May 31st, here in Los Angeles, we don't have one for Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uh, so May 31st, 8 o'clock show. It's going to be in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store with my favorite comedians. It's going to be myself, right? We got Ryan Sickler, aka Sickle Cell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam Tripoli, Steve Simone, and Joni Coyote. They're gonna be my special guests and it's going to be a blast. Tickets available now on ChristinaP Online. It's a tiny, tiny room. It's intimate for a reason. I can't tell you what the reason is, but it's very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's very exciting and amazing. You're going to be a part of something very cool. So get those tickets now. November. Really, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 24th. Man Diego at the House of Blues. Uh, tickets are going quickly on that one. And then December 8th in Judork Titties at the Gramercy Theater. Just a handful of tickets left on that. Christina P. online for, for all the links. Thank you. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, and it meets all the criterion again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's disgusting. I don't want to know that close. And he's got acne and he's so horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should have them in pretty soon. Looks good. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fresh material. Like, this show is a, is a, uh, a grist for the mill of crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I keep telling him. I keep forwarding him these clips. Yea, what does he say? It's usually an emoji with vomit of some kind. You sent him the clip itself? Absolutely. No, I sent him the teaser of last week and we were like, this one's for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, uhm, I'm hearing a little daniac, uhm, that's like the spaghetti spaceship talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure why that's relevant to his discussion of when his brother comes so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With no known neuropathy. Wouldn't neuropathy hinder his ability to come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rather than bolster it, boost his ability to come hard. Do you know what I'm saying? Like his argument is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no known neuropathy that would be an advantage, is what I'm thinking, to his coming so hard. It's all the math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it says, your mom's house, four stroke gang, don't meth with us. Which is pretty funny. I like the tag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I would be, I would be so surprised if I saw a woman out of your mom's house event or at one of our stand-up shows wearing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to get some numbers on these because this is the rub rub shirt and no offense to the designer because he tweeted me and he was like, I can't believe you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was joking, but the design is fine. I'm not saying anything. I just think the concept, the idea of a cum beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got it. No, I understand the joke. It's very clever, but, uh, you know, what does it mean? It's about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're like, uhm, Charlie Brown when he goes to kick the ball and then Lucy takes it away. I know. And he's like, why do I keep trying? Anyways, uhm, disgusting, gross, vile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, four strokes would imply that you can get the ball in the hole in four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uhm, have fun selling those five shirts, and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see what mentally ill women, you know, are into this kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please say that you're joking so that Child Services doesn't come investigating. I'm kidding. Less than a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, Mediterranean diet. I was reading how healthy it is and I'm really into sour tastes right now being preggers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, it's like, uh, fucking hummus and chicken kebabs and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that interesting? Because I had a panic fart too, because that Mediterranean food really creates a lot of gas. And I just clench as hard as I can, which is very hard for me. Uhm, but then it just disappeared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's the nice part is that the minute you stand up after the massage, it all comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It grows. It grows and then it comes out so fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what's really neat is I was climbing up some stairs with you to go back to our room and there was a gaggle of young girls, little 12, 13 year old teen bombers. They were not 12, 13. Weren't they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they look tiny. Everyone looks so young to me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I climb steps slowly now, so they're like all kind of going past. And I let out the biggest fart. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and here's what's interesting. Okay, here's why I wrote it down for topic today. Because if you recall, the Cincinnati fart happened when I was six months pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it came to, it came to my attention that pregnancy farts for me are more powerful. They smell exactly like what I have just eaten. I uhm, the day- Farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And beef stew? I farted like an hour later, it smelled exactly like the beef stew and the broccoli. It was so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I let out that tremendous fart on the stairs and I was like, this is one of the nice things about being pregnant is the volume, the ferocity, the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we never go out to dinner anymore, like we're in bed by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a good 2 hours and 45 minutes before our dinner reservation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And our dinner reservation was for 7.45. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're such idiots. And that's such a nice place and we never really go out tonight. We don't go to nice places anymore. And like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like, dude, you did get faded, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so funny to you and I, this is why we're married and we've been together for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone who can't even really talk, respond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well here's the thing, you just tell the kid, mommy and daddy change your, your di-di. Yea, and it, you know, nobody else, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or, if someone touches your, why can't you just have a conversation with your kid, is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then I guess diaper changing is a sexual event, is that what they're saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're not touch, you know what I mean, it's not a sexual, I understand the kind of the logic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of like, can I pull your pants down essentially, and do the, you know, wipe you up, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what else is insanity. Uh, remember that gender in, was it Holland?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was asking the two year old what gender the two year old felt that day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, this guy's terrifying, but that's why that's his signature move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's telling you, if you fuck with me, I'm gonna put my finger in your butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look, you gotta credit this guy for some creativity here. He's got a great hook. He's got a great way of protecting himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's kind of brilliant. I think this is brilliant. Really? Dude, if you were in prison with all these fucking hard dudes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't take another inmate's calling card. That's not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's even scarier though to tell somebody to put their finger in their own ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But fucks, yeaah. Oh right, yeaah, yeaah, cause he's like, you gotta lubricate yourself so I don't get in trouble. Wasn't that the reasoning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a thumb on a, you know, you're already unconscious, so what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey man, if I were in prison, and if I were smart enough to come up with a hook like that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, I'm not seeing the design that you describe where people put, you know, steps on the tree ladder and then there's a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, oh yeaah yeaah, let's hear it. Well first, I guess let's replay the audio so people can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's kinda like I'm a hot white comeback. Like when he steps on it, he's like, I'm home right now. And he's so hopped up that he can't get the words out fast enough that he's home right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The weird background. Fantastic. Great work guys. Great job. Production value is terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the monologue. I think so too. No prep. That shit is so funny, dude. Watching other people do it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's, you see, you really get to see the absurdity of his request and the absurdity of his mind and how sick he is and just how ridiculous the whole thing is. But I think you're right that it's, I'm here, I'm home right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck me right now. Uh, that makes sense. Contextually, it does make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, uh, one guy goes, I'm in the- if you're in the building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the accent? Is that a, is it a New York or moving? You can move in. We're here right now. Yeah. Yeah. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These clips sometimes, you know, you never know when they stop giving. Yeah. And this one has just been a fount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, then let this be a call out to everybody. We need a female version.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the move in, you can move in. Try it out. Uhm, or a clip, provide us with a new clip of a woman acting completely insane. Oh yea. Hopped up on meth and requesting dicks and suckens and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, did we mention, I gotta mention real quick, uhm, you know, I don't know if you know Cardi B?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, she's just, she's doing so well right now. Anyway, she and I planned our pregnancies at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, she's doing July as well. I didn't realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was thinking on Twitter, maybe if you guys could let her know that her baby is due the same time as the famous comedian Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool, your due date's the same as Christina B, or how cool of you to get pregnant at the same time as she is. So, uh, it's I am Cardi B, by the way. Is her handle? Is her handle. I am Cardi B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're gonna do, uh, we're gonna do baby showers together. What's happening? We're gonna, she's on the east coast. I'm on the west coast. Let's make it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This clip for me is really about the guy sitting next to him. He's great. Trying not to laugh right now. It's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't take offense to that. For me it's easy peasy. I'm already peeing anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying, like, if you're in a relationship with somebody and that's their thing, like, that's easy to accommodate. That's not hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's put things in context. Your pee, this is what the fourth coffee you've had this morning. Second. You drink nothing. First of all, Water Champ, let's look right now. Who's got delicious, clear water on their side of the table?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's iced coffee, that's your second, and that's a venti. That's not a small. So the reason your piece smells horrendous is because you're not hydrating enough. It smells like a brick of coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My pee doesn't smell, uh, a lot because it's pretty clear because I drink a lot of water. You see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never see you drink water. I only see you drinking brown coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that lady? She's like to ask for analingus. Do you mind if I- Oh, make out with your butthole while you mess it up. Um, it's a very specific thing. Fetish. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too hot, it's weird. Honestly, it's not the smell, it's the temperature, I think would freak me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not averse to having your fluids on me, like obviously I don't care about that. I really do think it's the warmth of the pee in my mouth that would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and your pee specifically smells very pungent, very strong, very strong smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I say stupid shit. This is your mom's house, babe. This is the platform for stupid shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. But why does it smell like coffee only?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, uhm, can I read an email that came in from our friend Matt on the east coast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were having a family discussion and it's kind of an interesting topic and I definitely think it's appropriate for our show. Okay, so would you do this? Would you take this offer? It's a modified would you rather. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, from this moment until the end of your life, all- of course I'm fucking blind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the food you eat will taste like the best version of whatever it is you're eating. So if you're eating pizza, it will taste like the best pizza ever. If you're eating snooshers, it's the best snooshie ever, but every time you fart,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will smell 1% worse than the last fart you made with no limit on how smelly your farts will become over time. So once you accept the deal, the next fart you make will be the baseline. Do you make this deal? Why or why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get the best food ever, but everytime you fart it gets 1% worse than the last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cuz your farts are going to be horrendous by the end of your life, it's gonna be napalm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but 1% worse fart every time is terrible. You won't be able to stew in your own, babe. You won't even be able to sit in your own fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about me? Like you're not, you don't think that will bother me over time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna ruin your marriage. Why would I ruin it? Look how bad your dad's farts smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, his farts smell like this offer. You know what I'm sayin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's a life-ruiner. Like, your dad's farts are just... They clear out movie theaters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every now and then. My life is your farts. The other day we were in the kitchen and you forced my hand on your underwear as you farted on my hand. Do you think that was nice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like I deal with a lot of your farts and for them to smell worser? Why worser? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think your second wife is gonna be a Dalmatian. Cause second wives usually are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy gets a little cash, he has a midlife crisis, he dumps the first wife and the kids and the family and then runs off with just the fucking skankiest dumbest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I definitely think that your second wife is gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fine, they're doing great in elementary school. And then you, you know, you're a big movie star, a big celebrity. Right. You're one of your ingenue co-stars. She just turned 20. She's like the new hot. 20! She's 20, she's just 19. She's 20 years younger than me. Okay. And, uh, blonde, I know you like blondes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just really not demanding, like not smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of hair extensions, uh, big fake tits, and she's just gonna say things like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow babe, aww, I love you babe. Yeah. It's a lot of, yeah, Dalmatian talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you love it because you've had the first wife who's all these, you know, words, words, words, ideas, orders, and you're so over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And upset that like the Dalmatians are relief, cause you can just do what you want, come and go as you please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause she's her same age, like emotionally she's about the same level. She's like, I got, I got them slime. We did a slime party. And I'm like, what's a slime party? All the kids are doing it and she rented out a room at the Chuck E. Cheese or whatever. We all had slime party and she's the coolest. And I'll be like, cause she knows all this stuff cause she's a fucking teenager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right, you want girls. You know what I'm saying, she wanted, she wanted to whore up your daughters if you had daughters. Uh, spoil them, let them do what they want, and you have to hear about how great Shandi is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, no, I would go to a mental hospital. Like I would, if you did that shit to me and my family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just be, I would be a shell if you did this to me. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, here's, it goes two ways. The 50 year old woman just either shuts it down, like Jane Fonda, she's older than that, 50, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women go the other way where they're like, I'm over it. I'm never getting married again. I don't need a vagina. I'm fine. I'm in menopause. Don't touch me. I'm having hot flashes. Or they go hypersexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what, what, from Fartmistress I just convert it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but then I have to lose like 50 pounds and get lipo and fix my tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but then you know, I'd find some like, age gap love shit. You would? Some 28 year old loser, you know, playing the video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, you would not be able to tolerate six years away, uh, how stupid she is. Cause she would say dumb things. That's true. Oh my God. All the time. Oh, she's so embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I think what happened is so much trauma, like I bet you this one is sexual trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she wants, she needs to regress or something to feel okay. Cause she's not embracing adult sex. This is why, you know, those, uh, porno girls have really high voice when they're talking baby talk. That's sexual molestation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even think I could last a date. This is so wackadoo. I mean, this chick's got so many fucking metal problems and so does he. But maybe he likes the dependency of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, this I don't, the adult baby diaper thing, I don't get either. I don't, I don't understand what the turn on is about being an infant. Or acting, it's really, that's, your wires are crossed man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She likes Peppa the Pig, I saw that. Yeah. That's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm, I'm wondering what the deal is there. That's real. I think that's, that's trauma. It's gotta be reenacting the trauma. I mean, there's, there's no way this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything that just, just like going to a shrink once a week, twice a week maybe for her would just do wonders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hey, you know what, it sounds like she's a pretty rational human and she knows that hey, this is my fun time, I have boundaries and I do this in the house and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Why is a five, five and she's still drinking out of a sippy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that, but that's also the time we live in, this whole safe place horse shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my safe place. I can be as fucking weird as I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying, like, can't we just go back to repressing our desires like a normal society?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And be contributing members. Just repress this shit and go do something else with your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Repressed desires are good because they make you, you sublimate them through other things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I might go even something more basic. I had a roommate in college that had severe skin psoriasis or eczema or some kind of skin condition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I shower every day, no matter how horrible I feel. I think the only times I've ever skipped is when I've been really ill with like a fever. Even when I gave birth, I think I showered the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I am so fanatic about my body smelling clean and feeling fresh. I just feel greasy and oily. Who doesn't like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you, uh, just as a partner, I think as a courtesy, like his dick and balls can't smell great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and not only that, it can give you infections too, UTIs, yeast infections, stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but I think sometimes if it is a psychological trauma or some kind of an issue, a lot of people don't even know what that thing is consciously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is sexual stuff. Be like, look, I love you, I wanna keep fucking you. I can't fuck you if your dick smells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she needs to maybe make an incentive for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he's not willing to, cause she says she's asked, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she needs to incentivize him a little bit. And maybe the sex is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then again, there are just people who don't shower frequently, who it's their thing.


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[Assistant] I mean, I have, uh, relatives who are not big bathers. And I'm just talking going days and days and days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, think about your, your, your, your asshole and your dick and balls and your vag, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, not having a dirty vagina is like, it's just, I can't, I cannot. You know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] There's no way, and again, you can get all kinds of infections from somebody who's not hygienic down there, you know?


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[Assistant] Your wife number two's got all kinds of time, cause she doesn't have a job, she doesn't really have hobbies, she just likes to exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said he did his finger just to the crack, like direct skin to skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was all pus and blood. That's nasty as hell.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no thanks. Lower on, lower. I mean, what part of you thinks that this is okay?


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[Assistant] Well, so he's telling you don't scratch so hard. Finger. He's saying be careful because. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, that's why I advocate if you've got a butt scratch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just scratch through your clothing. So what? Wash your underwear. Right? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't touch skin to skin and then your finger's all dirty. So what, your tronies get dirty, that's what they're for.


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[Assistant] There are so many pussies around your presidential campaign on both sides that I prefer not to comment about.


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[Assistant] But it's no longer on Saturday, even though it's pretty obvious that it's supposed to be.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm not even, uh, well there are three, Natasha didn't say it right though, there are three main tenets of Judaism. Procreate, keep Shabbat, and then, you remember the beginning of DuckTales where Scrooge McDuck is swimming in the gold corns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't touch her for the full week. Do you know about that though? That's not a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the, the argument, it's pretty barbaric and cavemanish, but the argument is kinda like, well, if you don't touch your wife for two weeks, then you're like so horny for your wife all the time. Right, right. There's something about that. She loves it. Which I haven't felt horny for my wife in, I would, I would say seven years, and we've been together for six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think that any culture that has been, uh, subjugated to weird forms of oppression become...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like homophobia is so awful, but it also creates this like interesting culture of like, you know, this vibrant community. And if homophobia literally went away, then I mean, imagine what gay, the gay community wouldn't exist. There wouldn't be a gay community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is why I'm an ardent homophobe. Not because I don't like gay people, I like to push the culture forward.


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[Assistant] You know the old, you know the old, uh, there's an old, like, Jewish joke, which is that every holiday has the same theme as, uh, they tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well no, oh that's four cups of wine, that's true, but there is actually one holiday in Judaism where you're literally supposed to get drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know about that? It's like, it's Jew Halloween, and you are literally commanded to get so drunk, there's a character in the story called Heyman who's like the bad guy, he tried to kill us, we won, let's eat, and uh, but this is, they tried to kill us, we won, let's get fucked up. Let's get fucked up, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're automatically in the club. You're in the club. Or you can get jumped in or fucked in. That's the other way. It's like, it's like MS-13. Basically. You have to do 19 four hour classes. Uh, welcome everybody to the orientation for MS-13. Um, but, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, Judaism, where, we got it, yeaah, we got it. I think we get it. Nineteen- Nineteen-four hour class, I'll tell you what's funny about the conversion classes, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Near the head? I, I don't know, I think it's a- Great question. I actually think it's- oh, definitely it would be on the head of the dick, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was raised, well, I was raised in Oakland with my mom, who's like an atheist hippie, but my dad, when my mom and dad split, became, uh, he got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you wouldn't want to accidentally wake up with like, you know, menstrual blood on your pajamas like the godfather when the horse head is in there, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They shared a bedroom, but not a bed. They had two single beds. So what happened when it was time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly like Lucy and Ricky. I think that would, my dad would say, you know, Lucy, I'm home. And he would walk over to the other bed. He would smash. He would probably pump for a while until he got like really close and then he'd probably, he'd slow down a bit. He'd caress her a bit and then he'd start pounding again and then he'd be like, daddy's coming. And that's what I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a true rumor, a false rumor that is so pervasive in Judaism that Jews believe it about themselves. Because the refined air of Jewish observance that my dad was at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 90% of American Jews that you've met have no exposure to that in real life, but I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I have cousins who speak Yiddish as a first language and speak English with an Eastern European accent. And raised here? Raised in America, third generation Americans. But if you met them, they'd be like, hello Tom, how are you? What? Or whatever in Eastern Europe. They sound like Dracula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a- I had a cousin one time, when I was at- we were in the hospital when my dad was sick, and uh, and my dad died eventually. Anyway, I just wanted to tell that story. But no, uhm, he goes, he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my cousin, my cousin goes, I, I, uh, cause he knew I wasn't religious and he didn't have much exposure to people that weren't religious, you know, and there's this thing that happens when someone's sick, you have to kind of guard their death bed kind of. So there has to be like a religious person there to make sure that all the rituals are done correctly, whatever. So it's very odd because it'll be like me who's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next was dad and then like a kind of tertiary family member who's not really that close to the family but is just there to like be a ritual guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he turns to me like in the middle of the night and he goes, I have a secret I have to tell you. And I was like, what? He's like, cause you're not religious. I feel like I can tell you. And I go, okay. And he's like, I've always wanted, and I go to be gay, to be gay. You want to be gay? You're gay? It's okay if you're gay. I'm thinking to myself. And he goes, he goes to be a lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're to work in some, uh, you know, business that the family owns and to study their whole lives. It's like to be a lawyer is to like have aspirations to connect to the outside world and there's just, there's nothing there. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking through a sheet though. Fucking through, so you know the Jews have the prayer, uh, like the, the, the thing that they wear, have you ever seen it? They dang, they have the dangling like little fringes. Yes. Yes. So that's a garment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's exactly like a poncho. That's a garment that's a square with a hole in the middle that they put on in the morning. Every Jew, every Orthodox Jew wears those. Sometimes, if they're less religious, they tuck them in so you don't know that they're wearing them. And if they're more religious, they put them out so that the world knows. So, historically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those garments would be hanging on a laundry line in the old village or whatever in the shtetl and non-Jews would walk by unaware of what the thing was and they would look and they'd go, why is there a big sheet with a hole in the middle? Somebody said, oh, they must, you know, the most logical, yeah, the most logical thing is that they must fuck through that hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then everybody started to believe it, so much so that, like, I would say honestly, most Jews you know that- Think that. Think that about their own, their own religion. Don't you, doesn't party though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really understand it though. I really get it because I think what it's about is that like the world, if you're not religious, if you're paying attention to the world,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so obvious that the world is, that life is chaos, it's terror, it's fear, it's people killing each other, it's like, meaninglessness, it's careening towards death, it's like, it's empty and alone. And religion is this thing that goes no no no no no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in a weird way, your mom's house is a church. It's the house of the Lord. It is the house of the Lord. Tax free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Austin, yeaah, yeaah. Uh, and yeaah, so Natasha did a half hour, I do a half hour, and then we do the, the, this is what we were doing on the road too, the last hour, half hour is us bringing couples up and kinda like troubleshooting their relationship and just basically roasting them. Yeaah, it's very fun. Very fun to watch. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I've heard from other people that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, but I've heard from other people that part of it is like they're giving you the massage and then there's like a very, there's this period of silent negotiation where the person will be like rubbing and then they'll like sort of errantly like sort of flinger your balls, you know, like sort of flick finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never done it, but I watch a lot of documentaries on Netflix about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it'll be fun. Columbia City Theatre. July 6 in Seattle.