[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His logic was as long as it's two consenting adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, it's pretty gross, and they like, he's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, well, we share a bank account. So he's a grown man being like, I gotta get, talk to mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just a real kiss. Uhm, I want to kiss her. It was a real kiss. He gave his mother a passionate kiss on the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So just so you know, if you're listening now, you realize that it seems, you know, we already had an episode come out after it, but that episode was recorded before the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you have to understand that uhm, when we said that we were like, oh, I hope that went well. We hadn't done it or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to tell you, I mean, I could get emotional talking about this because I realized that, you know, I really miss doing stand-up and I really miss, uhm, the thrill of performing and like, there's just like an excitement that I'm addicted to that I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not like consciously addicted to it, but I am. I love doing stand up. I love going on the road and performing. And I realized that I got a big dose of that excitement from the live show because there was a built in exciting aspect to putting on something live. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I don't know, it, it so changed everything for us that like, I can't even explain to you guys that not only are we gonna, we're doing it again, we're, we're, we already booked multiple ones because we had so much fun doing it and the response was so overwhelmingly positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're gonna like really up the stakes up the Annie on every, like it was for a first time you do it and then you're like, Oh, I realized afterwards what the possibilities are. That like it's, it's direct to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like content, and it's allowing us, like once I saw people sending in photos of their TVs, like watching on the TV, I was like, oh, like there's so much we can do in those live shows. The next one, which I won't give you the date just yet, uh, but the next one is, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is going to have like more guests, more original content that we shoot. It's a bump up in the level of show that you're going to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Having no restrictions, it wasn't just about like, being disgusting. It let us do music, it can play stuff. Music!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we played the band BBC clip. Yeah, all things that like you get flagged for. It was a permission kind of to just do whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. This one's from Jordan. Hey Hitlers, I just wanted to say this live show was the most proto thing to happen since the moose soup lady cleaned Potter's house with the help of her astral children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In all seriousness, I'm about to embark on my fifth deployment. I've been in a few IEDs as well as drop bombs here and there, but I've never been so shocked or taken aback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I was watching Mark get his bear fuck on. In McDonald's piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or our friend Pierce be a fucking hero in the beginning. You guys really helped me get through my last deployment and bring about endless laughter and inside jokes only the mommies get. Really appreciate everything you and the team do. Thank you guys. Keep feathering it. Keep glassing it. Love you Chomos. That's from Jordan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Huge shout out to that guy. This was, by the way, and to be totally transparent, this was his idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we didn't say like, will you do this? He was like, hey, I got a couple things you can do with my asshole for the opening of the show. And we were like, what? He goes, you can play cornhole with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, uh, you know, we could put a ring in, I could do a horseshoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really sweet guy. Uh, he, I said, uh, thank you. It goes without saying, thank you so much. People flip for the interview. He goes, you're very welcome. You and Christina can use my butthole for Shaq value anytime you want. And I said, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. And he wrote laughing my ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people are really, really into it. I mean, we have a live show clip I can show you, a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was so drunk. Ripped. She was ripped. By the way, my mom is almost that drunk with one glass of wine. So she was like a glass and a half in. That's it. That's it. It's always been like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. You know, we haven't played the opening clip yet, have we? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a lot. Let's do the opening clip so we can take this down. You ready? Alright, here we go. Let's go guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many dumb people. It's so alarming, but it's not surprising anymore. When you, if you jump into the internet to be like, what are people's perspective, you know, on things, it's like, it's never that you'll find somebody that doesn't believe in, I don't know, anything back evidence-based and they just, I don't know, they just go into the grocery store and they yell about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's different levels of, yea, you can be like insanely cautious about things. Just like about the pandemic. Yea. You can go like overboard. Yea, yea, yea. We know people who aren't going crazy. But the whole idea of you're like, none of it's real. Okay. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like as my, as your child is carrying you out. You're a bunch of pussies right now. My 15 year old son is carrying me right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. No, I'd like to send guys like that right into fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the, the outbreak point. Me too. You go to Wuhan. Go ahead. You fucking, you get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You asshole. You gotta just, gotta take care of your body, you know? You gotta just, gotta cool your ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather see that at the grocery store than the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want that combative energy around me when I'm trying to shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is it. No, it's enough, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started getting hit up like, I just got one yesterday, I got one last week, I got one last year, like hundreds of people started messaging me about it. And some people had, you know, weird stories so they start giving you anxiety about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were like, you know, it could go badly, this and that. I see my doctor and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, no, you can do it now. He goes, it probably won't feel good. And I go, why? He's like, cause you're all black and blue down there and bru, like cause I was all bruised, you know? I go, yeah. And he goes, then with the hernia, um, there's going to be more pain because obviously like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. So it's all backed up and I'm like starting to get like fired up, you know, waking up with like raging boners. But then you'd wake up and you, you know, you reach down there and it hurts like things still hurt. The area hurts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's black and blue. Anyways, it keeps, and then I realized one morning, I'm like, I gotta try to get this one out, because I'm, I'm really, you know, uncomfortable. So, I do this thing, I use a very advanced technique, and uhm, I, uh, haha. What's your technique?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just laid down in bed, I put a towel on my stomach so I could like try to just aim for the towel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so I'm getting worked up, I'm doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, so I just saw them doing it. I don't think I even liked her. I just was like, no, this'll do, whore. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, not because I wanted to mean her. I just find that to be a turn on. Yeaah, no I know. You stupid whore. So, then I uhm, yeaah, I hear the thing, I couldn't really go like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I really perfected it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Well, I had him on another, on another device. So I watched him and he was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it could have happened. So anyways, one guy told me he was like, it was terrifying the first time I did it. And I go, why? He goes, cause you just don't know what's going to happen. And here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understood, I intellectually understood what he meant. When I was doing it is when it hit me, right? Because as it was building, like you're building up to your orgasm, you're like, you start to go like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, because I don't like, part of you goes, could this come out incorrectly? Like, and also you're waking up everything that's been dormant for like almost two weeks, you know? So it's like, it's coming up, it's coming up, and I was like, and so, as I started to ejaculate,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it felt like an orgasm, but I just started laughing because I was scared. So I started the orgasm and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I looked down and I was like, oh, cause I was like, is it going to be all bloody? I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was still regular, perfect, delicious jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was a little like, it felt a little bit different, but I feel like that was just like reviving things. Then I did it again the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same kind of thing though, because like I started to do like a little more regular technique and it hurts the base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Just go around the tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just like that. We can get one out together. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a guy and you don't like going down on a girl, I think you're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not me. Not me and a lot of other cool guys out there. We don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very true. Uhm, this episode is also brought to you by DoorDash. It is incredible to think there was a time when you couldn't get basically every food delivered to your house. And now you can. You know, you look back and you're like, oh yea, it used to be just like pizza. What else? You're like, that's it. Uhm, now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you can get steak, you can get sushi, you can get Indian food, you can get pizza, you can get frozen yogurt. It all can come right to your door. It's a fantastic way, obviously, to keep supporting the restaurants in your community safely. There are thousands of restaurants open for delivery on Door Dash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's awesome. I mean, it really is amazing that you can use an app that brings food right to your door right when you want it. Ordering is super easy. You choose the food you want. It's safely dropped outside your door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. So right now our listeners get $5 off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app. Enter the code MOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's five dollars off your order and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter the code MOM. Don't forget the code is MOM for five dollars off your first order with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that would be such a dope marketing tactic for a drug dealer. I think to label your Matt Hitler's mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? If you were like, if you're in the game, if you're like, I'm trying to move weight. Like, what do you got? Like, I got Hitler's meth. If I'm a meth guy, I'd be like, that's gotta be intense. That's pretty bad, right? Like, it's a badass one. That's gotta be strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, what do you mean? They're like, this is Hitler level metal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, if you're out there and you're dealing meth, why don't you throw a little fucking label on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me get a couple bags. Yeah, I got a lot of homework tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I wonder if that is actually a match made in heaven. Also, where are we? Brisbane, Adelaide, Sydney, Melbourne. I really wonder where this gentleman is from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like the chest. The chest piece. I like that. The big fat gold chain. It's dope. I like it. I like it too. I respect it. I think I could do it. I think you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was so much in an uncomfortably intense direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I feel like I need to cleanse the palate in the other way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting and cool about him is that he's on the gasoline fumes, and clearly he kind of, he enjoys it, but he still has the wherewithal to be giving issue a warning. He's like, I'm fucking ripped and you shouldn't do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it, my ten would last like a month. It's great. One of my favorite things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, yea, by the way, yea, let's just throw in an additional PSA. Don't huff gasoline. It's not good for you, okay? I feel like I have to let people know. You also shouldn't, uh, jump off of a bridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, just by chance he landed in that. Just by chance. If he had jumped, um, one second before he may have landed on the rim of the front there, just cracked everything. Two seconds earlier, just straight in the water and the boat just hits him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a top comment a few episodes ago, and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why, but I think it'd be pretty cool to see Nadav in a wheelchair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see that. You didn't? It was like the, it was the thumbed up, I don't know, a couple thousand times. It was the top, a couple thousand? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had to do with the chiropractic adjustment that we're gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, yeah, here it is. I don't know why, but I think a dove would look pretty cool in a wheelchair. That was the top comment. 1.2 thousand thumbs up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they make adapters and everything now. You can modify your car. Cool man. Can't wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, scroll up, scroll up. Nobody there looks like that. Nobody. Just a thumbs up. Nobody. Heads up, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The marketing looks like that, but the guests don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the other thing too, uhm, make that bigger, the text there, so we can read it. What to expect? Yeah, because if, when you do see, uhm, every once in a while, there's gonna be like a really good looking couple, but guess what? They're, yeah they are, they're gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my point is that they're gonna be disappointed. They're gonna be like, everyone here is gross. We're so hot. And so, they're not gonna be like, down to fuck you, you know? They're just there like, oh, it's just us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can explore and enjoy all your hedonistic desires. A place that feels like a second home, complete with a friendly, helpful staff that's ready to assist you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you discover all the sensual pleasures Hedism 2 has to offer as master of your own domain you are free to be as mild or as wild as you wish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tantalize all your senses from the scent of a crisp ocean breeze to the taste of your favorite top shelf cocktail. Indulge!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, people from all over the world, their fantasies, sensually charged environment, whether you want to slow down or pick up the pace with games and entertainment. Man, so people, are they just? They fuck everywhere. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gross. It's enjoyable in the fantasy aspect, where your mind goes, oh no, that's cool, but the reality is like you're just sitting by the pool and you see this dog getting railed and she's like, ugh, and you hear noises and you're smelling it and you're like, get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How big a load I'm gonna swallow. You're hearing that and you're like, oh Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were doing the live show, and when we were doing the live show, uhm, that was on Friday, right? Friday. Yea, I had messaged him on Friday. I said, hey, you never checked in or sent someone. That's what I messaged on Friday during the live show, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he writes back, at 6pm, we're doing the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I'm trying to get there this evening. I won't leave you hanging. I'll get there ASAP so you can ride this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, when are you gonna come by? Like 10 o'clock at night? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So guess what? He didn't come by. He didn't call. Okay. Yeah. He, uh, so Saturday morning, I just sent him a question mark and he goes, sorry, I couldn't get there last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should be there once beach traffic dies down a little. If you have my word, we'll get there ASAP. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 1.30 on Saturday. He just, he didn't like, you know what I mean? Like the normal thing would have been like, hey I couldn't get there last night. You prompt it. You write it in the morning. This is 1.30 on Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So guess what? Three hours later at 4.30 I just write, how about now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and then he writes, uh, he waits three hours. He waits three hours and he writes, sorry, three and a half hours. Hey bro, I'm trying to get there and you're my first priority on the schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're still on a skeleton cruise, so I appreciate your patience. So I'm meeting another customer in Santa Monica tomorrow morning, so now we're pushing it another day. So I can come by, uh, before that for my first appointment of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be there between 11 am and 12.30 and I'll text you 30 to 60 minutes before arrival. Thanks! And I just write, okay thanks. I mean, I'm just taking this as like a game now, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He writes, no problem. All we need is somebody to open the garage. We can check the bikes. And I go, okay, let me know when you'll be here. That's uh, he's like, we'll be in and out in less than 15 minutes. Figured while there we'll just check over all the bikes. Let me know if you need anything else. I go, okay. So it's Sunday, right? I'm supposed to be the first appointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now it's Sunday, okay. We texted him Friday and he's like, come by tonight for the weekend. Now it's Sunday. Weekend's about to be over. So, it's Sunday at noon, which is like the window that he told me he would be here by. And he, uh, he, let me see. He, he prompts it. He starts it. Hey there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, so I'll text you when I get close. And I go, okay, great. I write him some stuff about the different bikes and like the issues. And then I just decide to hit him up at 107. I go, what's your ETA? And he responds, running a little behind schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, okay. And he goes, please confirm your address. So I do. He goes, okay. See you then. And he goes, I arrived. Can you open the garage? And I go, it's open. And then I walked and he comes down into the garage and he's like, Hey man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a mask on. He has these insanely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wasn't sweaty, he really knows bikes and he was like going through some of the mechanisms about this and that and the rotor and this and the brakes and he's really breaking the stuff down and I'm like alright man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, uh, was leaving, he was like, do you want to get like a different bike seat? And I'm like, this is hilarious. Right? Cause I go, oh yeah, no, I'd like to get a different bike seat. He goes, yeah, I'll send you some options. I go, okay. Sure. So he texts me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he texts me... Let me see what time he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is after. After, so he does the job. So like three hours, yea, he fixes everything, three hours later, he sends me a text. He goes, here's the seat options, let me know what you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I write back, I go, these two look the best. I wrote that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, do you want to get one? And I go, yeah, I want to get one from you. Yeah. So I told him the one I like and he was like, okay, we'll, we'll set that up for you. And I'm like, I just want to know like what kind of, uh, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Abnormal behavior and being around it. I can't get away from it. And if you're like, really? Yeah, look at this 10 year podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And even the podcast in that time, I'm talking about him. And one thing that everybody, you and my friends were like, why are you still working out with this guy? Cause I would tell the people stories about it. And I was like, cause I can't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't stop being around it because it's abnormal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's something in me that is really drawn to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny and it's thrilling and it's amusing. It's still, here's the thing, I like, I think that it justifiably frustrates me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to feel frustrated all day, but I think every once in a while I want to have a legitimate gripe of being like, this fucking guy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I find it amusing. I think for you it provides a different thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think it is? I think for you it makes you go, like, part of it makes you go, uhm, like it re-verifies for you that you're normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All muscle. I mean, holy shit, and she would have run up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jump into my bed every morning when I got up and just, I could just like, I could take my full grown man strength and just go and fucking throw her and she would just jump back on. It was unbelievably strong dog. Yeah, she was adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but like she would also, you know, like play toys, like a, like a rope. You know what I mean? Like a chewie thing. And you pull, you would be blown away at how strong this dog is. I bet. I mean, you see it too when she walked. She was, you could see definition, just muscle everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course he liked it. Yeaah. Yeaah, he said they really throw their asses back into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, this is like a clip in here before we, uh, we, we stop down for a moment, uhm, we have the great Josh Potter coming back, uhm, to talk with us, but this clip is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you can, it's like one of those moments that you realize


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that this guy was able to capture this, kinda derail it, and then the feelings that you'll feel, I think, just like, I can't even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just found a guy stealing his tire. But wait, it gets better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the audacity of a human being to be like this. But the fact that I love that the guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just unbelievable. But the only thing that would have made this sweeter is if we saw the police pull up. I would love to know that that guy went to jail. Like those are people who I'm like, please tell me they're in a jail that doesn't feed their inmates or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's really a dumb guy that thinks he's intelligent. Yeah, but this is the kind of guy too that you could see like he would see what he would issue the same explanation to the cops. Yeah, and then they drugs. Okay, and then just arrest them and he'd be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cops are just out to get me, man. Yea, it's never their fault. I gave them a totally reasonable explanation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, why don't we, uh, take a quick break and we'll be back in a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about erectile dysfunction is not easy. Usually we just brush it off or we blame ourselves saying things like I lost my mojo or I had a long day at work or I need to stretch. I don't know, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stub my toe on the furniture. You can't expect me to perform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But with Roman it is easy to talk about it with a real healthcare professional who can prescribe real medication. It's simple, safe, and totally discreet. With Roman you can get a free online evaluation and ongoing care for ED all from the comfort and privacy of your home. I think it's absolutely fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to roman.com slash mom today. If you're approved, you'll get $15 off your first order of ED treatment. That's getroman.com slash mom. Getroman.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back with one of our all-time favorites, uh, the great Josh Potter is here. Hi, Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say like, I like you falling apart, but I like this, this is a better look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does most of the hooking up happen now? If you're not really- Now it's just straightforward. You know? Like online, it's an online thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we got your dick cage. So the whole idea though is to have you wear the dick cage and then bring in somebody that you find very attractive. I can't wait to see who you got. And then have them try to make your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might, that's a really, that's a glass half full kind of outlook, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we should mention this because it's just so fresh. So when we stopped down, we just had like a crazy call where on location, the people that hosted our live show called to be like, we cannot host this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is 100% true by the way, this is not a bit. But to give you the backstory on this, this was brought to our attention as a possibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we said, you know, what we definitely want to do is do our show, add some elements, and we want to go completely uncensored. Is that okay? The immediate response was, of course, like, it's totally fine. And then we were like, no, no, no. I don't think you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had Nadav and the boys put together a drop box that showed all the stuff that was in the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uncensored content, which is exciting to us. It's obviously beneficial to the people that are hosting it for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you go through the weekend, people are still checking it out. And then I post this thing moments ago about like, and you do too, about like, hey, you can still watch the show for a few more days at this link. And I get a message that says this is urgent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what's the, what happened? They go, well, they just called and said, we have to get this down. We cannot have, I'm like, what are you talking about? So that is to tell you a couple things. One, we're definitely going to keep doing the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we're just working on a different, uh, hosting service for it. So yeah, it's just, it kind of blew my mind. It's like, oh, so you let it slide for five days and then now you're like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, yeaah, this is frustrating, but.


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[Assistant] And we gotta get moving too. I know. We actually, well we had booked the next one and so now we have to see if there's another person that will host it, you know. Oh my gosh. But it also makes us go like we should host our own thing, but we have to build that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that that guy, the rep, the person that called from the company just started the show and saw Pierce laying there with the thing that he was like, Hey, so we need to get this off right now. Like he just watched the first 30 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're gonna be doing it somewhere else. Uhm, now, as always, I'm always excited when you come back, because I feel like you not only entertain, but you educate the fans. Yeah, this is more-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've tried to do it driving on the freeway before, but it's been a long time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least you went to the bathroom. And you jerked off in there? I did. On the flight? I did. To Israel? To Israel. You shoot it in the toilet or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think since his playing days he's been diagnosed as bipolar or something. Yeaah. Yeaah, I mean, but this is before his, uh, what would have been probably his brain damage, that he had actual, uhm, personality disorder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost a way that I respect, but. Yeah, it helps too. It makes it even more like vicious and dehumanizing that it's a really big dick from what people are saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well to be fair, I haven't seen it in a long time, but he was like, you know, he's a naked frat dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the 90s. If this was right now, it would be front page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came in front of me today, which was weird. And won the Super Bowl, so.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is the most alarming story, especially because I'm closer in age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Followed him like in college and into the NFL came from that family. So it's like all those elements this becomes the most outrageous story, you know?


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[Assistant] You know that that's just like some lackey that had to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, clinical psychologist stated that Winslow had symptoms that were consistent with CTE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's got, uh, he was arrested on kidnapping and rape charges. He's really cool. He's such a menace, like it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, with uhm, you know, we were just thinking about having butt plugs obviously on the cat. Right where you sat, there was a man with a butt plug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, would you, is there a dollar amount you would do like a chill, not so hardcore gay scene? You know what I mean? What's a gay scene, man? Like, so it's just you and a couple guys, and you're just like, yea you're just watching like a Buffalo Bills game. Okay. Like that's the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, like, one of the guys just reaches over and he's like, man, you seem real tense. You're like, well, this is my favorite team.


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[Assistant] Okay, here's the thing, they give you a Viagra, and you're- That would help. Okay.


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[Assistant] And then, but is there a dollar amount you would need to do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a surprise finger. Last time it happened to me was 20 years ago and it was a surprise finger and it was very chocolatey when it came out. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it on her bed, you know, so it cares. No, I actually, so I returned the favor. It's her shit too. I've told this story, I returned the favor and gave her the finger and then just remember going to bed and waking up and I saw chocolate dried on my finger that I didn't notice the night before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really want to. I really want to. Me too. I miss it a lot. Uhm, it's, it's what sucks is I got these phone calls about, oh by the way, I haven't canceled dates. If you, like some people were like, you cancel, I didn't cancel anything. Me neither. They canceled it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are canceling it. So I had a, I was supposed to do shows I think next week and that got canceled. All my dates have been, I had things that were going to happen in August, September. They got moved to November, December, in some cases, January, February. Then I had like a tour, like a big tour planned for January.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Initially, it was moved to April. I found out last week, I got a call, they're like, hey, your April dates, like your April, May, stuff that we had moved from beginning of the year, we moved it to July.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm such a fan. I love my whoop. It never leaves my side. It absolutely is on my arm 24 7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you taking it off? It gives you all the insight into you, like everything about you. Whoop is there for you, is designed to give you that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, but my favorite thing is wake up and study that sleep data. Our listeners, whoop is offering 15% off with the code yourmom at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, I could tell he was in his element. He was the star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, great, great. It's good to hear, man. We were just talking about how much fun we had on the live show, and uhm, how, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was calling you to see if you had a good time doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because the fans really enjoyed you. They also noticed that uhm, mom was pretty lit for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, that's for her is a, is a, like, it's like saying two and a half bottles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw her one time just completely hammered and it was off of I think two glasses of wine. And I mean, hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, she really describes it as a, as a monstrosity. She thinks it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not good, I mean, you just happen to be there. It's not, I don't think it's insulting to the Filipino people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, what happens then? How does this, how does this play out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so wait, so he sits under her and blows air like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I won't shit. And I'm like, ah, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this is kind of wild that the Shelby County Fair has this only because in my mind we're going back to a different time. This had to be like late 50s, early 60s and I just don't even imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, uh, look, I really would love to do, uhm, another live video thing, probably with just you, and I think we'll get, uhm, we'll get you headphones and a better mic and everything just to, like, enhance the production of it, but we'll definitely do that again, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. That'd be a lot of fun. Yeah. And we'll show you more cool clips and everything. Okay. All right, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, the stammering when people are like, woah, yeaah. I'm just like, Jesus Christ, spit it the fuck out.


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[Assistant] I don't know. When they're your parents. I mean did you get how that was annoying or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super, I mean, really insulting. Like, she'll be like, no, if I didn't know you guys were so fucking stupid, I wouldn't even be, like, she'll say crazy shit. Oh my god!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was such a relief. Such a good one. It was so loud and it was so powerful and bassy I could feel it like stretching out my asshole because it was such a strong part and it was such a relief that I was like, I almost want to jerk off to how good that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You definitely can. I've talked to people and you can. But it was pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why men are at an advantage when we're at a urinal because sometimes we'll be at a urinal and we'll pee and someone will fart and then sometimes you have to, sometimes this thought of is rude but sometimes people will be like, that's a pretty good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I was peeing and there was an old guy next to me, he farted at the urinal and he goes, that one snuck out. You know? It's an old guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely no shame. Wow. Yeah, I'm a little, I'm a little hesitant at times. I mean like, sometimes I'll just, I'll still fart, but I'm saying I won't just be like, I don't give a shit. Like, you know, I'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I have farted at many a urinal. I'm making the point that I put a little thought into some of those farts before they come out. That's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, people who think like this, have a look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this one made me, I'll tell you, this really makes me uncomfortable. This guy seems like he's a real problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a really cool look over there, yea. Politics on talk has a real look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. They fucking fired us. They told us Friday that we had broken their records, and today they're like, we can't have, we can't work with you. Even though we approved of what you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but we do, we got them back with that, with that, with those nuggets. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should send, uh, those people my, um, my, uh, my soundboard and be like, is this the problem? And it's just, it's just, it says like guys coming is one of my page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Alright, we gotta wrap it up. You guys, it's a lot of fun. Thank you as always for listening, for watching, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've cleaned up some of the store at MerchMethod. Go to MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura. There's new stuff there. And uhm, yeaah, we'll try to solve this live thing. We're definitely doing more of them. So uhm, we will be back, uh, with you soon. Have a great night, day, week. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. We don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh snap, there's hot beer. MerchMethod.com Slash Tom Cigarra. Check out all our new stuff. Ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of your mom's house is brought to you by Saatva. If you go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash Y-M-H, you'll get a two hundred and twenty five dollar credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goes up and down, has zero gravity mode, makes you feel like you're floating in space. It's amazing! We're huge fans, we've tried almost every product, and we continue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From not having brick and mortar, salespeople, paying commissions, they don't have any of that. So it's direct to you. Incredible service. Go to Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash Y-M-H and go shopping for a mattress. It'll get you sleeping right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I absolutely love when this happens. I've been getting tagged in a bunch of posts by people because they went ahead and got their shady raise. It is not a joke. They are, this is an independent sunglass company. Everybody knows that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People pay a fortune for like designer sunglasses and you don't really know why and then a company like Shady Rays comes along and they're like, oh, we have all the styles, everything cool, you know, different colors, different materials, different looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, and they give you it for a fraction of the price with the craziest warranty of any product I've ever heard, ever. They replace anything, lost, broken, stolen, any reason, doesn't matter, you drop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who cares? They just replace it. I've never even heard of a warranty like that, but they do it. Not only that, but they also offer 10 meals to fight hunger in America with every order. I mean, these guys have fed millions of people. Do the right thing, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get some shady rays, they're incredible. Exclusively for our listeners that gave us the best deal they have to offer, use the code HOUSE for 50% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two or more pair at ShadyRays.com. Buy one, get one free. You get two pairs of shades for $48. Redeem only at ShadyRays.com where you find all their newest and best shades. Use our code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up there, cho-mo's and cho-mets? Cho-mets, thank you for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women are fucking stupid. It's great to be here with you. We're excited for a nice release from all the chaos. Uhm, there is so much to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're sitting here and your co-host is just shitting on your whole gender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much to, so much to get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a safe space. The world is upside down, but we are right here for you inside your jeans and in your butthole. And now we have such an exciting episode plan. Some of the best, uh, clips and I'm most excited to share with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This opening clip because it's indicative of something that I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many chicks doing this, you know, hotties. They're out there and they're doing like, ooh, join my only fans. And you're supposed to like watch them be silly or take a bath or like finger themselves or something. Yeah. Sometimes some of them like shoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, let's look at the annou- So basically, this is his announcement video that he is doing in OnlyFans, okay? So this is the announcement video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this, uh, this access to your behind the scenes life is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable, and I'll tell you something. You just got a new subscriber. Cause I'm signing up. For OnlyFans.com slash Robert Champagne. Go to OnlyFans.com slash Robert Champagne. C-H-A-M-P-A-G-N-E. Uh, there's more. I'm signing up. There's more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a dope intro video. Like that's how you announce that you have a new channel. That's what's up. I think comedians need to pay attention to their promo videos because that right there, that's called closing the deal. That's how you sell something. That's how you sell something. You go, you wanna see some sexy shit? And then you do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way to go, RPC. Uhm, now, we don't want to give away any of his, uh, prize premium content, but you said you have a little snippet here of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to rape, you can rape him and he's giving the proceeds to charity. I got that part. Uhm, that is more than enough, I think, for a subscription. Just as an angle, if you're just like, if you say that, I wanna see what else you say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that it really is an extension of who he's always been. It's just on a new platform. Like it is exactly what he's been doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like in Instagram and YouTube videos, but it's like new platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd like to see if you go like, you know, other people are doing things differently. You know, I just feel like it would be valuable to know. Sure. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually seems really energized by this. I think it's because somebody said, hey, this platform, you can get paid and you can still do your shit. And you know, people want, like maybe you can film you having this happen. Yeah. You know, you can, yeah, you can feel it. He really is fired up about this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize that he's a police officer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if the marches had guys like this watching around right now? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people were like, stop police brutality. And then Robert just walked out and was like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, well actually, to yourself it's fine. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you like that? It's such a porno thing. I really like that thing. Yeah, if you want me to. Not a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks a lot, dudes. OnlyFans.com slash Robert Champagne. Uhm, and I think this is a great time to segue into the fundraiser I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I am doing a fundraiser for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I'm doing it virtually on Zoom the way the world works now and I would love if you guys, the people that follow


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This show, uhm, would consider either donating or getting tickets. What we'll do is we'll spend an hour together on Zoom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully a bunch of you will be there and I can just hit a screen and we can talk and hang out. It'll be, uh, can you make that bigger? Uh, I think it's Friday the 12th. Is that the detail on that? Just trying to scroll down a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, right? Yes. Friday, June 12th, uh, uh, 9pm Eastern, 6 Pacific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you buy tickets, you'll be sent a Zoom link. If you don't want a ticket for it, you want to donate. That's also great. All proceeds from the event will benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, a global leader in the fight against cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's a great organization. I'm very happy to participate. Again, $25 gets you access to the event. The Zoom link will be sent to you. We will spend an hour together, Friday, June 12th, from 9pm Eastern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really excited to do it. Uhm, I actually saw, you know, Burt was doing these like virtual Zooms and uhm, I actually, when these people approached me, I actually used that idea. I said, well, you know, my friend did it this way. So uhm, they liked it and that's what we're gonna try. Really appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hopefully we can move some tickets, raise some funds for a really good cause. And again, thank you very much to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you be? It's going to be 20 milligram Tom for the hangout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I might even consider upping the dosage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Sickler, like, you know, we're such long time friends and we, you know, we find like the same, like, we have the same sensibility and it's just like so fun to just chop it up with him and laugh at things. I laugh so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they're, okay. Are you guys gonna try them? Anyone's gonna try them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like why don't you, do you want to give him a, uh, take him for a test drive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would definitely not force that, but I would say that if you give a shit about what happens here you should do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not? Why not? I mean, you don't wanna just, I'm just curious. You don't wanna see what that feels, it looked like it felt pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zello really blew you away in that you said you worked here for so long and he just started and he came up with the ingenious way to not look at things that make him sick while prepping clips. And now you're adopting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you had the Preble Gross clip now, would you use his tactic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, look, I feel like we've done so much hardcore stuff, like even Robert's is hardcore. Why don't we do something a little nicer? Why don't you try something nicer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really important when you're shooting scenes because sometimes we'll like, we'll shoot for like an hour or two and they'll just dry out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From his balls. From his balls, exactly. Which furthers the case that pee is definitely stored in the balls. Yes. Because she just said the balls and the sperm come from the pee and the sperm come from the same place, the valve closes, you hold your pee in your balls, your jizz comes out, then pee can exit afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really good. What do you mean? Pleasant. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did this right after. I don't know. No, she did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of exciting. So this woman just filled herself with water, rectally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel it's weird that the Irish lady cut her face out of this one. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. This combined with marijuana usage will definitely kill you. Just so you know. If you take marijuana and you get in bed with someone, you will die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know immediately that this woman is full of shit. By her whole appearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just ran through all those dicks and was like, that's a lot. She was doing the math and was like, that's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I would have loved if Norm taught that sex ed class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he would too. She scared him. Oh, uhm, we don't do a lot of politics on this show, but did you see this clip of Biden doing this? No. Check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you get that? Did he cut the cheese? He farted, yea. He farted on live television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought he could sneak that one out. He just moved a little bit. After, at that age too, you're probably like, I mean, how much am I trying to conceal these things, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, he farted. Kinda wet, it's a little wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never, never, never. Definitely, definitely does not hold him in. At all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't give a, doesn't give a shit at all. An evil rip, disgusting, you know, farts to clear rooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have left reviews at Falcon Car Wash. Of course. On Yelp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five stars, great place to go if you have a scurvy twat that just needs feathering. If you have a bad tooth that needs to be removed with a wrench. But I tell you what, if you come here and you're not following Proto, you just might lose your job buddy. Also, lots of whites around here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then norm. I've always had trouble keeping not only the outside of my car, but also the inside of it clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Captain Jay here. Former employee, secret double agent, Connelly Peterson was very helpful with removing my bad tooth, feathering my hair, no haircut needed and helping me wave over a lady with a bag of meth. He did leave my car's moon roof open, which ruined the upholstery, but that's okay. I've learned so many skills. Thanks Captain Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone followed Proto, they let me go on with my business inside the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are really funny. Uhm, if you do leave a Falcon car wash 5 star review, we do ask that you leave it 5 stars. Please give them the thumbs up review. Can you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to add to the mayhem, we have a new Fedsmoker clip. What? Let's get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like his, you know, he's putting out there what he likes. He knows what he wants. That's pretty cool. 100 and 110 pounds. Beautiful, tiny ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a little girl. Real petite. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's the Constitution. I read it. It's, it's all, here's the whole thing there. He's a big fan. Yeah, he's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can find it. You can find it. Is it cut off there? Like mid-sentence? Yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, I wonder if you would click with Conald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very wild. Yeaah. He's very wild. Connell doesn't fuck around, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, the, you'd feel like this could go badly at any moment more with Conald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ultimately, Robert wants you to abuse him. Right, right, that's true. You know, he wants to be hit and pissed on and fucked and you can do whatever, you can shove him over and shit on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like what you're thinking, but I definitely feel like this would be way scarier to be in a bedroom with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it'd be especially terrifying if you're that hundred pound girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No chill. By the way, we saw this today, we went for a morning walk. We saw a lady walking two dogs, and one was dyed purple and one was dyed pink. The purple one was really dark in some places, like a ton of dye. And is that animal abuse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause at first when you see it, you're like, the fuck? You see a purple dog walk by?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, I feel like this is kind of an asshole move, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It seems, it feels wrong. I could be, I don't know, overreacting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. It really is. That's who pushes a dog in a stroller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Whoop. Check it out, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there on my wrist. I'm so obsessed with this thing. I study the data like I'm studying my portfolio. It's incredible. It has everything that I do. It tracks how I sleep, how I train, how I recover, resting heart rate, heart rate variability, whether I had something to drink, alcohol, whether I had marijuana, whether I had a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep medication, whether I was stressed out, was I reading, all these things that can affect


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How you sleep, how you rest, how you recover, it keeps track of all of it. And then you can get performance charts to see like, oh, when you did this on this day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ended up sleeping or recovering this way. It has the sleep coach, a strain coach. Your phone just gives you a notification. You should be going to bed at this time if you want to get the amount of sleep you need to feel your best. I love it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, whoop is offering 15% off with the code, your mom at checkout. Go to whoop, w h o o p dot com. Enter your mom at checkout to save 15% sleep better, recover faster and train smarter. Optimize your performance with whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this, uh, cartoon? Am I supposed to play that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's Drew in the nurse's outfit there? Beautiful. Has he seen this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brain switch, that's really cool. I wanna, I wanna send this to Norm. I think he would just flip for this. Yeaah. I mean, he's got pig hooves and he's got, what does he got there? Eight tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And looks like there's, uhm, shit on the mattress. It's really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we just talked to somebody who starts with season one. This is the season. You gotta get on this season, the current season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see David, remember the tool with the wig who went six times to the Ukraine to meet his girlfriend and it turns out she's actually real. Well, he finally, he's like, uh, he's like, I'm gonna, I really want to stop communicating through the chat site where you pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he tells her, he's like, I'd like to get off the chat site now. And you can see her go, fuck, I'm not going to get paid anymore. And then he's, she's like, yeah, me too. And he goes, so I bought you a phone. He buys her like an iPhone and he gives it to her and she's like, all right. And I guess that's kind of a form of payment. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's that and then this is a spoiler here if you're watching or if you want to watch spoiler alert at the airport when he's leaving he's like I'm going back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm in love with you. And she's like, and then every time he hugs her, he goes, mm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trench coat. It's a trench coat. It's what the fucking Columbine shooters wear. Like that's what he wears. He's 60.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A black leather trench coat. It looks like such a fucking D-bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing fits. All his shirts are oversized. Look, you don't have to buy custom clothes. This is the advice I would give to any dude like this. Take your fucking clothes to a tailor, like a tailor shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know why he doesn't look like that? Because nobody loves him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs a woman to be like, oh, you look like a fucking tool bag. So let me help you. Like that's what he needs. You know when you see a guy in the lobby or at the airport and you're like, look at this fucking lonely bastard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has got that dumb fucking thing where the hair goes over the top quarter of his ear. Like anybody wants that. Like you want your hair just covering the top half of your ear. Like come on man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such like, why would you need someone to tell you that looks terrible? That looks terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even she said it the first time she met him. Everybody else was already saying it. She was like, he looks handsome, everything, he looks good, maybe not that coat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tells you that somebody is into you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got mad. He did go uhm, I hired a private investigator. She got mad. This was like their first time to hang out. And he goes, I hired a private investigator because, you know, you, uh, you didn't respond and all the, you weren't there. And she was like, hm, very upset. So mad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, like a couple dates in, cause he stayed there for a few days, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to invite you to my hotel room tonight. Like, it's like, oh my god, it's so cringy if someone's like, I would like you, I would like to propose that you come to my hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, ugh. I mean, it's like, it feels like I'm watching, like, my dad flirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do your dad. Do your dad. You gotta get them talking. Alright. You know what I do is I see if I were single, I would go up to a lady at a coffee shop. Alright. And you say, do you prefer sweetener or Splendor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how he hits on girls. This is how we meet girls. And so you go to the teller and you, you see her. Oh my God. And you say, you remember what she wore. Let's say she wore a red dress. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if we can, uh, doot doot doot doot doot. Alright, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna, I wanna ask you something. Do you remember, do you remember what you first said to mom, like when you were, you know, hitting on her or whatever? Do you remember like the first thing you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you, will you do me a favor? Will you, can you peek in and be like, hey hey Tommy's got a quick question again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will always think of them as a food source, mom. You will always be a milk factory to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, show them how those big tits fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fun one to talk about with TSA. My wife's boobs are so big, we put wire in her bra. That's why the alarm's going off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Love you buddy. Alright, have a good bridge game mom. Bye. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're gross, you're old. Cause that's not how you do it. You don't go like, would you like to partake in more intimate time with me? It's fucking so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She sits on the couch in the hotel room, you squat over her face, and you start to just thrust in her mouth. That's how people make love. And then you roll the dice of dying. Alright? Do you want to die?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you feel so good. It's like, God damn dude. I know he's just over, you know, he's been so it's been so long without I think intimacy. That's part of the problem. That's why you're not cool. Yeah, but that's why you're not cool with it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're losing your mind. It's a fucking ribeye. Ah, it's so juicy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't believe that she actually came out of the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a really cool spoiler alert for you here, but when he, uh, it's really, really cool letting you know is that she definitely is like, I like gifts and I like things. And she's like, hopefully if I go with him, I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will go get more gifts. Money is nice. She's like, she's not hiding it at all. Yeah, there is the time the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he, he's all pleased with himself. Of course he gets his strike and then she's like, and they kiss and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, at the end of this, they've spent some time together. They're at the airport. Here's the spoiler, okay. He gets on his knee, and he proposes to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she's been ragdolled though. That's what she- She has not been. No. She needs to be turned out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's terrible, but here's the difference. When you're doing it over the computer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't put a face to it, right? And it's easier to do. And then you meet the, it's like you meet somebody, you automatically, you humanize them, you know? So now you go like, oh fuck. Yeah, of course, man. And it's harder to keep scamming basically, you know, if you're doing that to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like, if you're just like, hey man, every time you type on this thing, you get a few bucks, you're gonna just keep typing. But you meet that person and you see them face to face and you realize that they're like, I mean, the way he looks at her, it's like a fucking kid, you know, like looking at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She needs that thing where you go, like she's facing away from you and you go, you put your, her legs over your arms and then you go like her head here and you push her head down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, she's like, uuuh, communism. Like, she's just fucking, you just break her of that ideology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like 200 loads. Oh, it makes me nauseous just to think about. It is so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, uh, somebody made a video game of Mystic Rick wrestling Bert, right? Great. It's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very exciting stuff. I really like it. And it says Christine on the side there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have been very nice and I hope your cum stuff sells well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great, man. That's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very good. I'm supposed to do a phone call with a wrestling organization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about options, man. Okay, shit. I'll fill you guys in later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be. It could be. Wow. I don't know. I'll see where it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one, the one I really like? Yeaah. It's not bad, it was $400.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful, but I mean it handles, drives unbelievable, crazy power. Yeah, I got, I woke up with an erection thinking about it. I know you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and I've been going on drives more. Like uhm, Matt showed me definitely a couple really fun roads to drive that I'd never driven before. It really changes, like it became like a stress relief. I've been lifting weights and driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Tushy. Every one of us has an ass, and every one of us pushes that hot chocolate out of there, usually two to three to six times a day. And listen,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your ass needs to be clean so your partner can lap it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's only one way to have it really pressure washed clean so that your partner can become a scrum master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to treat your butt right with tushy. Break up with your toilet paper and start hosing off your a-hole. Tushy is in high demand right now. You can order today. Don't wipe and you mush all that smeary mud all over your, your whistler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're Harry Whistler. You need to clean it up. I clean mine with my tushy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It helps, man. Hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes, skid marks, they all go away when you have a tushy power washing those turds off. So right now, right now it's only $79. Go to hellotushy.com slash your mom


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10% off your order. Once again, hellotushy.com slash your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmmmm. I picture you sitting there at the cat club. I mean, first thing I thought was like, she fucks. You had like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No you did, you had boots on, fishnets, come on, what do you think? You think I thought you were a fucking good girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Is that, is that leg open? Yeah, it's showing. Oh, it is showing her stuff. Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna blur that. I mean, can I see it since it's already up? Yeah, that's what I saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you were sitting in front of the cat club. Just like that. And I was like, oh, she's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea man, I thought you were a suicide girl, you know? I thought you were gonna pull this down and be covered in tats and I was like, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a good time, whole crew had a nice break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a good time. We had a great time. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, as we mentioned a few weeks ago, we were very excited that Satva offered us the opportunity to do a giveaway. So we asked for your submissions. You came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a lot of submissions. We actually had to filter through them, uhm, kind of pare it down quite a bit. We also, uh, probably should have been more clear in the, uh, submissions that, uhm, the triple x-rated ones. We can't really play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I realize that's our fault for being, you're like, what? That's totally unbranded with the show. That's true. But, uh, I don't know that the, uh, the brand, the sponsor is dying to see that. So. Really? Yeah. It's just a guess. They didn't tell me, but, um, it's just a guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, here are some of the submissions for a satva, a free satva mattress. Uhm, let's see what we got here. Here's the first one from Aubrey. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do we even look at another submission, you son of a bitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a very, that was a very nice one. And he's definitely in need, which is, it's nice to see. Uhm, I mean it's not nice to see that he's in need, but you know what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody with some questionable dental work. You know what I mean? Bike through cigarettes and shit. Alright, up next, Bobby. Let's see what he has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty good, man. That's a funny one. We did a very good take on Charles. Yes. Charles. What's going on? What's going on? It's Charles. It's Charles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty cool. Uhm, you gotta wonder what that's like, don't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, don't take it so far. Can we see the next one? Alright, next one is from Jake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chant with the air mattress, alright. Man. You're making this, this difficult. I feel like it was easier last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. This is quite a list, man. Thank you guys for submitting. I know that there were dozens and dozens more submitted that we couldn't get to all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But thank you very much. Uhm, alright, so now we gotta pick a winner. I guess we're gonna vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So looking at this list and looking at all the marks, they were all good. They were either heartbreaking or hilarious. Uhm, which yeah, that's the way to go. I think it's hard for me to, to choose anyone other than my, our first Aubrey, the, uh, the pandemic nurse. No, she's a phlebotomist. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Bold. Now it comes to, there's the final three. It's like, what are we going to do, right? Choose a winner. I say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three mattresses of your choosing. You pick whichever one you want from the side of the lineup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they will send it to you. And then everybody else that we played in this segment,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, uh, let's go here. Is this toddler gonna, is it bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna skip over that one. I think you'll like it, I think you'll like it. Really? Is it like, it's not fucked up to play right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is basically what I do to my mother, uh, when I talk to her. I, I give her the whole pitch. I'll be like, the fucking wet markets, and they're eating bats, and she's like, wha? And I go, that's wha!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to get her to, to do that on the Spanish podcast. I gave her a whole thing. I was like, the fucking Chinese, they did this and then she wouldn't take the bait. So I was like, how about the gypsies? I tried to get her to go on the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to walk her into those. She wouldn't, she wouldn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, while all this is going on in our nation right now, I think it's important to remind you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, you know how it is. Uhm, ooh, my soundboard just crashed after that. You think it's a message? Yeaah. Yeaah, it kinda feels like it. That just totally crashed. Oh wow. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, what's this, uh, oh yeaah. This guy, I'm kind of, um, what is this here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sorry, I didn't know that was, that was, that was on my tracks. I don't know. What? I don't know, I just saw a thing here. Sorry, we'll just change it. Wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says Burt. That's all it says. Just says Burt? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been running a ton, man. He's on his treadmill like every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's drinking less boxes of wine. He's doing good. Okay, so this is one I haven't seen. Let's check this out here. Cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is like a manic state over here. And this could be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, for him, yeaah. He's chiller. Yeaah, for sure. I mean, that guy's like, he's like, I'm on 27 years, bouncing on my dick right now, right now, right now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things have just changed, yeaah. He's a little older. Yeaah, it makes sense. Uhm, it keeps...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he had a total change in his approach to things. Like he doesn't even respect people that talk to women like they're on Jersey Shore, let alone ranting and raving how you need them bouncing on your dick right now, right now, right now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see their images every time I hear their voice. I'm like, mhm. Can I do that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is so wild that the world is where it is today where this guy will now be able to get paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's very inclusive. He's always talking about black and Latino men. I think it's important during this time. The nation's going through a lot and you have a guy like Robert Paul Champagne saying, we can all come together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not every time, but you jerk off in the shower usually, you know. Oh, right, yea. You ever done that? Ever? Do you pee in the shower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But pee in the shower, do you, like, do you aim for the drain or do you just let it go anywhere?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Guy likes to test his limits. What are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To jump on board, OnlyFans.com slash Robert Champagne. Get started today for how much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, he's been saying on his bio since he was, we found him online, porno actor. It says that, it's always said that in his bio, like on his Instagram and stuff, it says like artist, whatever, porno actor. So now he's getting to like live his dream, you know? It's really, really sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's possible, I mean we'd have to run some tests to see if it actually is better for him than other people, but it is, it is really an elaborate show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean not like that. Not like that. I don't hear you doing that kind of thing. That first one was just like the mother of all lows. Let's hear it again. Let's hear it again. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, if you're out there and you want to work with them, you can definitely reach out. Uh, we're huge fans. Uh, congratulations Robert on your, on joining your, um, fans only as you say. Alright, we should run. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, thank you for watching that episode of Your Mom's House. I really appreciate it. If you want to see more, you can click on any of these videos in this general area. And also, if you haven't subscribed, please do. It helps feed our cats. Don't have any cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura, 20% off, Falcon Car Wash, Where My Mom's At Tumblr, Whole White Baby Bruh, The Charo Mug, MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man, we're back. Welcome to your mom's house podcast. She's Christina. I'm Tom. This is where we deliver the news to you. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was awesome. That was the first, uh, I've heard these stories. I've seen videos. I, uh, I follow WorldStar. I know that people get upset, but we actually got to experience it live and in person. That was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I wanna start this show right now, but my dick's all hard from looking at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I, that's what I would encourage you to do. If you're a listener, if you're single, if you're like, I don't know how to talk to women. Try that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, you might strike out, but so did Babe Ruth. And then he had a bunch of homeruns too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I also woke up and I had my sleep mask over my eyes. And you're like, hey babe, and I was like, hey my dick's hard over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, this is a nice restaurant. Let's have, do you wanna just run in the bathroom real quick? Buttfuck? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then straight people are like, let's pretend that you have interesting thoughts. I know. Stupid bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He seems like he's centered, he's in a good place. You're like, how do you get there? Uh, you suck his dick four times a week. Four sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the warm up ends at some point with a finish, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean it doesn't count? What do you mean it doesn't count?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what happens. She's getting credit, extra credit. No, she's not getting extra credit. She's blowing him three to four times a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What starts with a BJ ends at some point with an orgasm. So like, it's not like she's like, warming them up and then being like, I gotta go walk the dog. She's, she's, they're finishing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, life is hard, and uh, I've had a lot of stress, and there's a quarantine, and I don't get to do stand-up anymore, so I started drinking more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had a really, really cool story about tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, because we played tennis for the first time in a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there you go. But if you're having to mask your alcohol in that, what level are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we, we both grew up playing tennis. Yes. A lot. I played tennis a lot when I was a kid. I'm kind of a pro. I love tennis. I love it too. And you know, it's one of those things I just got away from it. So we were trying to come up with activities, our kids, our kids, but especially our older kid who was in school, can't go to school, there's no school anymore, trying to come up with activities, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, open court and you know, you're not like standing next to someone. So we take him to get a lesson. One of my favorite parts about the first lesson is that the, uh, the first coach, uh, forgot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You forgot. And then we contacted the guy and we were like, we're here. He's like, you know, I thought I had something today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so then we, uh, we said, you know, we both used to play tennis, you want to do it again. Yeah. And it's been years. So they said, yeah, we can give your son a lesson on this court, and then you can take a lesson at the same time at the neighboring court. Better than sitting and fingering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had to go and, and, and, you know, get a couple rackets again, so we go to, uh, this is, this is like our first, well first, sorry, I'm, this is, I'm telling you two things. That, what happened there, and then I wanted also, you told me the cool story about you getting to watch your dad play tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when we go to get our rackets, we get in line, and they're only letting, you know, uhm, one or two people in this small store at a time. So we're waiting outside, you know, it's just like new, it's just quarantine rules, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm standing outside and a lady walks up, an older woman, I would say she's probably in her early 70s, late 60s, early 70s. She's dumpy. Yeah, she was dumpy and frumpy and you know, she goes, uh, can I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you mind, are you in line for the tennis store? And we're like, yeah, we're standing right in front of the doors of the tennis store. And she's like, uh, do you mind if I, uh, just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think are lesser than your knee, even though I don't know you and what you're in line for, I assume I should just, can I just go in front of you?


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[Assistant] And she had a face shield on, like a welding shield, and then...


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[Assistant] She was doubled up, she was doubled up like that. Okay, and she's like, can I?


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[Assistant] So I take my cable boxes in my remote to the place. It's like, whatever place, the cable box store. And I was like, hey, I wanna return these. And the guy's like, yeah, you got, you know, wait there, I'm dealing with this person.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, at least 15 minutes I've already stayed in there. I'm just like, a lady comes in and she's like, I'm here to drop this stuff off. And the guy's like, yeah, uhm, get in line. She was like, no, I'm just dropping it off. I'm like, I'm like, we're all dropping it off. And she was like, uh-uh.


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[Assistant] And she just went up there and she's like, put the stuff down. She's like, I gotta go. And I was like, okay.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, I'll just be honest, she was, she was, uh, she was, she was black and she was, um, very overweight. Okay. And I feel like, uh,


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[Assistant] So everybody, we all let her. Like, I let her skip me, the guy stopped.


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[Assistant] And that was actually the beginning of Fat Black Lives Matter. She was fat. She was so big.


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[Assistant] And then she turns around and then when she's leaving, this is the best. Yeah. A man is walking up to the neighboring store. Okay. The neighboring store that is not the tennis store. So it's, you know, it's 10, 15 feet from us, let's say 15 feet. And as she's walking, she's leaving and she's going back to her car to leave. This man's walking up to the, to the door and she goes,


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[Assistant] I'm outside. Do you know where his mask was? His mask was here. So all he has to do is go like this, like it has the rubber bands. It's here. It's right here. All he's got to do is go like this. He goes, I'm standing outside. I'm about to walk in.


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[Assistant] And all I have to do is this. And he stays like calm, even though he's like, he wants to be like, you stupid fucking bitch. But he goes.


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[Assistant] I'm j- I'm outside, and all I gotta do is this, and she was like,


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[Assistant] And then she walks around and she like storms off to her car.


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[Assistant] And then he like shakes his head, like yells a couple more things and he just goes and drops it onto his face. And I was like, man, he would, she would never have said that to him if it was a fat black lady. But then, but then his face.


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[Assistant] And then she got in her car and she drove away. She didn't say shit to anybody else. Just that guy.


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[Assistant] I actually, when she got in the car, realized that my mask was here.


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[Assistant] That's fun, cause you can, if you have a good, if you get a good high going, you're like dialed in. Oh right, focused. Yeah. You can get in the zone on, I think on, on a lot of sports probably. I bet a bunch of NBA players play high. I bet a bunch do. Cause weed's really popular in the NBA. And once you've played bat, like if you're that good, I bet you some of them are like, oh yeah, that's fucking smoke in the arena.


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[Assistant] I mean, you know the sass is there. All right, we have a huge, huge announcement before we get to any clips or anything else. This is so big that I don't have a drop that is worthy of playing to


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[Assistant] To make it, uhm, to get your attention, to do it justice. But it's, it's fantastic news. We are, for the first time ever, are you ready? This is huge news. I'm ready bro. Huge news. We are doing your mom's house live.


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[Assistant] Virtual, live, and uncensored. It's not on YouTube. YouTube will not support what we want to do.


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[Assistant] There are no blurts. You will see everything if you get a ticket to this live virtual event. It is August 14th.


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[Assistant] Uh, Instagram, everywhere that you follow us will have links to this. You'll see promos for it. Uhm, August 14th at 5pm Pacific.


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[Assistant] 8 Eastern, it's internationally live, so that is London, Australia, wherever you are, you can get a ticket and watch this live. We made sure that I said, I mean,


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[Assistant] I go, I want to do it like the way we want to do this show. Uh, Nadav, you were on the call where they were like, yeah, you can play whatever you want. And you're like, I don't think you understand what we play though, right?


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[Assistant] Yes, I was like, I want to know the line. Cause they were like, oh, what kind of line? You can talk about whatever you want. We can show what you want. And then my agent called me afterwards and he goes, he goes, that was one of the best calls I've ever been on. And, uh, I go, why? He goes, because they were like, yeah, you can play what you want. And then the DAV.


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[Assistant] Said, well, I just want you to know that with what, the stuff that we play, I vomited twice in the last month.


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[Assistant] And he was like, and he was very serious. And he goes, I had to mute my phone because I was laughing.


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[Assistant] But this is all new clips, all new clips, the show will be the show, there are special guests, two, cause this is where it gets like more and more special, two of the special guests are Charo and


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[Assistant] Top dog. So my parents are gonna zoom in live.


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[Assistant] We will be able to not only talk to them but show them clips which you know is gonna go sideways.


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[Assistant] They've never seen Talk Talk. Also, from what I understand, we will be able to interact with some listeners too.


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[Assistant] Well anyways, it's really exciting. This is like a whole new thing that it's brand new. You know, this has only been done a few times and we're super excited. So please consider getting tickets and joining us on the live show August 14th.


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[Assistant] 5pm Pacific, 8 Eastern. It'll be really fun. The link will be in the description of this video. And like I said, you'll see us talking about it on social media for a minute. That seems appropriate.


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[Assistant] I'm telling you, this show is going to deliver. So don't you even doubt that. This show is going to be amazing.


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[Assistant] So, very exciting. Uhm, maybe we'll play that clip in its entirety on the live show. That's a great idea. That's a great idea.


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[Assistant] It's very exciting, guys. This is very exciting. Also, one last piece of business. There's a sale in the store if you go to MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura.


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[Assistant] You get 20% off everything in the store from July 29th through August 2nd. There's no promo code required. We just applied the sale to the store. So if you're buying anything from July 29th through August 2nd, anything, the, uh,


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[Assistant] The new, the summer two bears shirt, the, um, the jean, uh, tank top.


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[Assistant] The, uh, mommy's friend's shirt, the boy mom's shirt. It'll all be 20% off for that time period.


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[Assistant] Thank you, and, uh, we appreciate it. Now, to get back to these clips we were playing, uh, the first one, I didn't finish it. I just played the, uh, first clip. But the second clip of this Australian man flipping out, uhm, on the car, it goes, it goes from here.


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[Assistant] We got a cool update. Are you ready for an update? You know our uhm, our mouse pad friend?


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[Assistant] He's just stroking it. I feel like he just listens to Eni's conversations on the phone and just repeats everything that he says. You know? Cause I've heard- Eni? Yea, Eni talked to girls, same thing. This is how he talks to girls? Same exact thing. He's like-


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[Assistant] Wait. Wait. By the way, I didn't realize that the advice I've been giving you guys, he's doing it, you know? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] There's just not another live person there. I'm a little troubled.


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[Assistant] Buy something. I think it's better when he does this with porn stars. Than cartoons? Yes, animation characters.


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[Assistant] They're just drawn. I think it's better to stay in the real world, but, you know. Ugh.


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[Assistant] That I would recommend for any, any of our Jewish listeners or viewers. You gotta throw that in when you're talking to a woman. Cause that's another level.


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[Assistant] I just like when people, you know, are, uh, like warn you about their own people.


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[Assistant] I got to meet her the same time you did, and man was your choice so on point. It was so on point because


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[Assistant] You, like, this girl was no fun. No fun. And such an asshole, actually. Such an asshole. So like, the guy, we finished the lesson, he's like, oh, here's a dick, dipshit from Hungry. And uhm.