[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously though, this would be considered an educational video, right? Because she's trying to do it. But look at the hangers for real. They really are out there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean there's, how many unbuttoned buttons do you see? One, two, three, possibly four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think she's trying to give off the idea that this, that she has knowledge to share. So if your video is about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pussy get leeched. Yeah, that's the whole thing. That's the show, man. That's the science. This is the pussy leeching show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can sell that clip, Mrs. Gypsy. Teddy Gypsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so foul, man. That's fucking... It makes me cringe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, just knowing what vaginas are like, I just don't think that's a good idea. I don't have one, but I can, I've seen a few, and I don't think that's a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The elite doesn't have a pager, right? You can't be like, hey, you gotta get back here now. You can do what it wants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so they were really enjoying themselves. Sucking the blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eight months, what, every day? You gotta explain more than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also saw last week the eyeshadow all the way across everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and like, you're just like, oh yeaah, she's attractive and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you want to do? And she's like, have you ever heard about vaginal leech therapy? You're like, wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't do it. I don't think you should do it. I don't think you should do it. I'm gonna go ahead and say that I don't trust this lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. You can tell them, all you gotta do is slice the tip of your dick off and put a leech in there and the guy's like, alright, yep, let's slice it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. Yeaah. Definitely a leech is definitely not going to make it bigger. I don't think so. I think it's going to make your dick smaller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honey, honey, honey, help me out here. Here, hold my asshole open real quick with this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, tighten the knob. Can you see it real big? Good. Now put like 10 or 12 leeches up in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's from Harvard, I think it's what I was reading in the little, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, that's pretty gross, man. That's uh, pretty gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Emails, messages, people were like, do not make fun of this guy last week, the cook, the chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know who he is. Chef John? They're like, don't fuck with Chef John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he has, all we're doing is saying this guy has up-speak, like very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a Zevia, and I have H2O.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we got this, uh, from a, uh, an Aussie listener of ours said that this guy, Frank Walker, whatever he talks about, he does up speak in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It makes you remember that, how that guy speaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it definitely sounds different, but you go, that's funny. That's not American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was a producer in the booth with him, I'd be like, hey, you keep extending these words and you should stop doing that. And he would probably be like, that's what I always do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pick a word and then I make it eight syllables when it's two. Do you not like it? I'm like, no, I don't fucking like it. Stop doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To share 7 minute video recipes. He taught me proper knife techniques. Like, what is that? Shifanad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you even know what that shit is? Doubt it. Oh, obviously no. I keep my knife technique high and tight. You spit in the face of cuisine and art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, see, die hard, die hard, they love him. Sorry Chef John, you talk like a retard but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A gay lord, stupid retard, but you're apparently a great chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week, yeaah. Uhm, you were in the bathroom, you came out, I go, check this out. And on my own, I just had the thought, can retarded people drive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why it happened now. I went to the Frex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got in the car and looked at him and it wasn't. But at that moment I go, I wonder if retarded people can drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just kind of, I looked at him and I go, hold on here, I just kind of looked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I looked it up and here's what I found out, there's no rules anywhere preventing them from driving. Crazy. Here's the thing, if they can pass the test, that's what it's all about. So if they pass the written test and they pass the actual driving test,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing says, well, you passed these, but you're, you know, retarded. Right. So you can't drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it probably is all about down to the degree of your disability. In other words, how severe. How retarded you are. Well, I was looking for another way of saying it, but yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your retardation is. So, if you're like super retard, then you can't drive. But if you're pretty put together, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were watching a real bummer the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's to me, I didn't watch the whole thing, but I watched probably half of one episode and then half of another episode with you. It just seemed like an after school special. Like the way that the writing and the acting, like it was telling a story, but it was like, it was really like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of doing it for kids, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why when I walked in I was like, what are you watching, like a fucking after school show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? I mean some of those are reality, like those are crime reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I really feel like when you break down the whole thing, the writing, the storytelling, the cinematography, the directing, and the acting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've seen a better show in 10 years plus than Fargo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Americans has maybe turned a corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, they did on this, on the episode that I just finished, the one we started to fall asleep on, they did just hit a holy shit moment. A good storyline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It made sense that they would give the diplomacy a shot, but then that should have failed and they should have fucking killed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can really see that he's like, I respect her a lot more now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, he's like, I didn't realize what she did. That's what I got. He was like, I don't realize how much shit she does. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing that I took away from it. She cared so fucking much about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pussy, she's, she doesn't really have a Bangladesh accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're good at this. We're good at a show becoming a hit, like a really big smash hit. And we go, so? And then six years later we're like, I'll check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we just started, uh, The Walking Dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, yeah, I guess people had a point. Those 12 million or so people that said to watch it had a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That show is so big that they started another show where they talk about that show that airs regularly. It's called, like, After or Beyond. Talking Dead. Yea, or something like that. And then it has, I think, doesn't Hardwick Coast have something? Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, and they're just talking about another show. And then the network's like, yeah, air that. Air us talking about that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we bought it. We bought Dip My Dick in the Wick 2, and I remember it said April. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we asked you and we'll continue to ask you to write reviews on iTunes because it's what's fair and we deserve it. Here's one that somebody sent in to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it said, Mommies, I thought you would appreciate my review. Here's what he wrote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calling all come dogs and ugly suck pigs. Your mom's house podcast is here for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever wondered if there's any cum in those balls? Ever wanted to fluid bond with Jessie? Yes. Ever wished a mentally ill girl could talk to Hitler? As a child, did you make your own poop pile for the neighbors to admire?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have big old mushy purples? What about sloppers, meat hangers, tits for days? Do you have dick for days? Do you find cops to be all bald and shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're Puerto Rican, you are just Puerto Rican. Uh, excuse me, when you're Puerto Rican, are you just Puerto Rican? Are you dirty and disgusting? Do you find yourself farting on all the haters? How do you feel about Lincolndon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever wonder which Braxton you are? If you answered no to any of these, I don't give a shit. Listen to your mommies and you'll find that you've been the water champ all along. Stay thirsty, come dogs, Ryan. So Ryan wrote that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check this out. We got this. Have you seen this? This is uhm, this came in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With regard to our discussion last week about taking a pilot's license off the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear Mr. Tom Segura, my name is Barry Brown, from the law office of Brown and Yellow Family Law Attorney. I am Christina Pszczyski's official negotiation representative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would like to officially reject your first offer of one blowjob per week for the sum of three years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This would equate to 156 blowjobs to be delivered over a sum of 1095 days. This amount of fellatio is extremely unreasonable. We consulted a professional on April 20th, Dr. Throatzilla. She deemed this activity to be excessive and dangerous for an amateur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And only to be attempted by a professional sex worker. My client and I would like to present a counter offer to be paid over the sum of three years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina participates in pup play. This will include fitting Tom for a tail. Easy. And a walk around the neighborhood on a leash. In parentheses, nothing sexual. You feel this is more than generous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'd like to remind you that your relationships are about compromise and look forward to finding a resolution the two parties can agree upon sincerely. Barry Brown from Brown and Yellow Family Law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you'll be hearing from my attorney, so, I mean that's just... Fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was uhm, also very surprising to me. We had that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty, uh, impromptu but in detail conversation with each other and then with my dad and, uh, with Charo about folding or scrunching paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what I found out from my mother and they called me. Little Jane went home. She's a scruncher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess she poked in or, you know, Jane's on the can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she's like, she uses a mountain of paper, like just tons of it, and she's a scruncher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well guess what? This is apparently a worldwide discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course I know. Uhm, but- But the UK put that out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. We want, uhm, you to write reviews on iTunes. It is a benefit to this show. We want it. I'm asking you to write a review and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yours kinda look like a, like, you look like what, looks like you have a prosthetic nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess it also depends on the size of the finger. I mean, you shove a big dongs in, a bunch of big old dongs in your cooch, you can stretch it out. Why can't you shove a big old finger in your nostril and stretch it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like it should be an easy answer, and I think that answer is yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is kind of a dad boner thing where I kind of, I gotta tell you this is one of the first dad boner clips where I feel like I align with this person. Really? What's he stoked about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's holding up, if you're listening, he's holding up nail clippers. But I feel like I've had this, that type of thought before about things like that. And maybe even nail clippers themselves where you're like, this is an incredible tool that is mass produced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would have no idea how to do this without that. Uhm, and none of us could build one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what other things are there where you're like, holy fucking shit, pens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you see it so often. You get like some version of it and be like, it doesn't look right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest though, back then I was probably drinking too much coffee and I focus on the counterbalance more now. You balance it out more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what is upsetting at the Apple store. It gives me so much anxiety. We're not a regular store. We have our own thing going on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll tell you what else irritated the shit out of me. So when I had that audio trouble with this one, I was also having audio trouble with my other one. So I go, I'm gonna bring both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I pick up the one that's fixed, this one, I go, can you take a look at this other one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta make another appointment. Why? You can go over to that table and sit there. I'm like, you're right here. Can't you just, can I just leave it with you? It's fucked up. Just fix it the way you fixed this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, uh, I've been there sitting next to guys and she goes, and then you know your password now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know your password? Uh, no. Uh, granddaughter's name's Brandy. And then they're like, okay, we can try that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't. Oh, by the way, I wanted to mention this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was uhm, when I, a few weeks ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe at this point a month or so ago, I had these shows coming up that were for Seattle and Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I reached out to this great artist in Philadelphia, Paul Grenice, and I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, uh, hey, you want to do a poster? We've worked together before on other posters. And he said, yeah, like, he goes, any ideas? Because he always says like, you know, is there anything you want to incorporate? And at the time, I remember that, uhm, everybody has been mentioning that whenever I put up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Photos to promote my shows, they're all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're all like, man, none of your pictures look like you. Yeah. And like, you know, so I just mentioned, I go, well, you know, I haven't had anything that reflects my weight loss. Um, like just nothing so far. Everything has been like photos that were taken before. That's all I gave him. And then he made this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's me with binoculars, so I'm glassin' and I look like I'm 130 pounds. It's gaunt. Anyways, it's a beautiful poster. I had some left over. You're the mom-shinest. From, yeah, I look like the machinist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From that tour, uh, it's, uh, it's screen printed, it's, it's super high quality paper, and I signed, um, a whole batch of them. So, if you want them, they're in our store right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really did amazing stuff. I really like that. Uh, and there's a bunch of, uh, let me see if this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll be like, you know, you kinda gotta wonder if you have the, you know, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll stop and I'll be like, I'm not sure. I can't, I'm not sure yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know that people in the gym are like, that guy's shirt is all fucking wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're here. Might as well do this right now too, right? So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sexy summer tour has just started. That's so dumb. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's where I'm coming. June 9th, Tuckson, Arizona, the reality theater. June 10th, Rene Ho, Ho, Reno. What is that? What's Reno?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greenhoes, Nevada. June 11th, I'm at, uh, the Pechanga Casino in Temecula, Temecumla, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's it for June, July 11th. I start a little bit of a southern run. I do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Richmond, Virginia, then July 12th, Virginia Beach, Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then July 13th, Greensboro, North Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And July 14th, Asheville, at Harry Asheville. And then July 15th, that whole week's in the South, it ends at a big show in Charleston, South Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that should be a lot of fun. Later in that month, the 27th, I'm in Hampton, the Tampon Beach, New Hampshire, 28th, Wilmington, Dickelware, and July 29th, in Baltimore, Hoars, Maryland, the city that reads, of course you know I'm going to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is we are doing the podcast live in Breast Falls Beach at the Improv. That's West Palm Beach, Florida. I am calling you out Indian River County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I mean, that's close enough. If you're in any of those areas, make the drive, and uh, it's gonna be a fun, fun night. We're gonna do the podcast live in Florida. So, it's not often that we get to travel that far and do the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even see how you have the nerve to pitch something like that. Being that you have such a ridiculous phobia for the idea, you know, even that concept, I mean you get so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So either I fart with an earshot anytime I see anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And like, people look at it, it's embarrassing, I don't care anymore. That's how those farts go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farting comedian. And it becomes a hook. Plus chicks, dig it. You know? Chicks would be like, this guy's pretty fucking cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Did you come up with that? No wait, you have to answer it though. What's yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll balance this with yours with listener ones. Okay. So people have been submitting them as well. Okay. So and then we'll go back and forth. Uh, somebody writes, would you rather read the entire iTunes update agreement from top to bottom? Every word, no skimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen to Frank Sinatra and Garth Brooks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, please, like you have any qualifications for that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, 100% I would listen to Garth and Frank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well not reading fucking iTunes agreements? I can't believe you're signing up for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. What's wrong with you? This is so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There'll be two of them and they'll be like, let's go talk to the other person. Not this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, at least in the Apple store, I'm acquiring, uhm, a toy, you know? Like in the grocery store, I'm acquiring a necessity. It's probably, you know, you have to have food and things for the house like that, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a toy, so maybe I can look at the toy reward as like, that's the payoff here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get some cool gadget here pretty soon. And every once in a while, I'll land in there when there isn't, uh, uhm, a crazy three hour line to do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, my problem with the parking lot petitioners is that I feel like they work from this, they like to, they come from a guilt place. So it begins with, sometimes they'll say like, I'll be walking in my car and they'll say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that there's 300,000 kids in Los Angeles, they don't have a place to sleep tonight? And I'm like, no, yeah. Wouldn't you like, wouldn't you like to be able to do something about that? No, no. Well, now you can. And so they're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just guilting you. They're not, they're not like sharing information with you. They're trying to make you feel bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what did you choose? I told you, it's apple, 100% man, apple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should talk to people who've met both of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you have a much more cold, much more cut off, much less engaging and warm personality. And you know it, you're always like, Tommy, you go talk to them. Always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because you're just, you're more of a curmudgeon, you're more like a recluse that, you know, you kind of, you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like for many people, this is so easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think the only reason that I find it intriguing to me is because, uh, even though I'm not skinny, I've recently lost some weight, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because you go, you just, you just started to, you know, lose some weight, you're looking better, you're feeling better, and you know how good that feels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, would you like to be the best version, like the best version of that, but you're poor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't pay bills and I can't do anything, right? I mean, it's gotta be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I, I, you know, I remember being that fat. It's not that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying even if you, look, I could have gotten fatter, let's say in this scenario I'm even fatter, I would rather have the comforts and the perks of that lifestyle, and know I guess that I'm gonna die at any moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People on TLC, on those shows, people that they're like, hey, maybe in a week or two you'll die if you don't do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know that's like for my height and frame what would be like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, well, definitely the upper 200s, 300, 300 would be like really heavy. Yeah, yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For my frame. Yeah, you would be like, Jesus man, you really need to drop some weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 300 pounds would be like my, okay picture my heaviest, another 30 something, 35 pounds basically. That doesn't seem like a lot to me. Fuckin' A, really? 35 more pounds on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orson Welles? I mean at that point he was probably, he looked like he was over 300 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd rather have, uhm, the, the comfort and the security that money will provide. I mean, keep in mind, I've been very broke and, uh, and I, I have no shame about having been that broke and I feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That period taught me a lot, a lot, uh, about myself and about life. But I never want to go back to being broke again. No, that sucks. I mean yeaah, that was terrible, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's definitely fat there. Uhm, I don't know, let's, how about this though? How fat is he? Uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, cause the level of rich you're describing, it sounds like it's so much fun. You're just like, ballin' out of control. Alright, so I'm a big fat rich guy, so what? It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you start driving it up like you're saying, I mean, that's the thing, everyone has their, their limits for things. If you go up to 500, I'll be like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've done it, I've told you I've done it, it was a thing, it was a phase, and I don't want to do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think we chose our sides then. Sounds like you chose that, right? You'd rather be poor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you fart, it's a shart. Yeah. Or every time you burp, it's a berf. Yeah. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whereas while the birthing is disgusting, you can at least be like, uh, however gross this is, I can still walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Into this place right now, you know, I can spit on the sidewalk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey somebody sent in this clip, this is uh, audio only, of uh, your favorite thing, uh, No, it's a pornographic film, but this one has a very funny line in it. Tell me what you think of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty clever. As far as writing, I'm sure the writers spent some time on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, you're ready to be a single mother? That's a funny- That's pretty fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's basically telling you never, ever. I get it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I feel compelled to weigh in on your wiping style conversation from episode 392.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But has been known to require more wipes and is prone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a committed wiper such as myself. This is why I employ a hybrid strategy. I will take a length of paper, perhaps eight squares or so, fold it once, then bunch half, allowing the flap to form a tail like the train of a wedding dress. That way, I enjoy the superior wiping power of the bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While protecting my knuckles from collateral damage with the fold. I hope this helps.


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[Assistant] And if you choose to read my email on the show, that can, that I can change a life. Keep it classy jeans. Zach from Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you look so crazy with gyms, the gym with jeans. Like I used to make, I used to have a joke about how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, what are you a fuck, I forget the joke, but I was like, are you a communist or something? Like a Romanian fucking infiltrator wearing, cause you look like a lunatic. You look like, it looks like an episode of the Americans, like the, the person just arrived and they're doing their fitness. It's my tribe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, this is the second time I've never had this happen. As I'm making fitness, my right tricep goes into a full cramp. It was so bizarre, it's just one of those things I've never, I've had it happen twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're just looking at it and it's going, like clamping up and releasing.


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[Assistant] We are releasing the uh, Yoshi live podcast episode. So the late show in Irvine will come out this Friday for all you jeans out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Spermvine Show with Yoshi will be out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, cause those are kinda like the two, they're all famous, but those are the two probably most famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'll tell you, I got a problem right away with like, she looks like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she is. She's too young. It's not that like, you know, I mean, this looks like a little kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Alright, I don't remember mine. I'll go back on that then. So, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it's basically, do you feel like teaching someone a few lessons or do you want...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, you know, the most famous puss puss in the world that has just been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beaten up left and right by monstrous black dongs.


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[Assistant] And she'll be like, so are we gonna, are you gonna come in me? And I'm like, I'm in there. And she's like, no, seriously. And I'm like, no, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. She's used to like some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think ultimately she knows like, oh, don't neglect the balls, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because Kylie doesn't know that stuff yet. She's 19. She'll be like, ooh balls, those are gross. I'm like, no, no, you gotta pay attention here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Tattooed rappers? I guess so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, I know. I mean, I don't think he's rapping about rainbows and fucking hollypops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oddly enough, more normal when it comes, you know what I mean? Like I would believe that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't think he's a stable, normal guy, but I don't see him being like, look bitch, underneath I'm gonna fart in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're dealing with, yeaah. I still think you gotta go with Kim. I do. Old school? Yeaah, I mean, you know, it's a better story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I like, I like a good story. And, uh, I, I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's legendary in there. Who knows what could happen. Maybe I could find one of those rings she lost in Paris or something, you know? True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, I like bitches with babies. Down with that? Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the other, the next most famous female gender is actually Caitlin.


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[Assistant] Oof, man. That is really tough.


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[Assistant] I mean, look at this guy. Look at those muscles. Look at that. Damn. He was the fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really tough one. He's got a good nose for a woman. And here's the thing, because physically I don't really care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's the mental instability. And I think they're both have a good bit of that instability. But maybe it's just that like with Bruce, the only thing is like, you know, he wants to do this thing and he's kind of trying to come to terms with it, but you wouldn't know that at the time, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a good question for you. You should answer this first. So sexually, you know that like, he can do it. I mean, he fathered a bunch of kids and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, Kanye's not gonna treat you like baby mama. He's gonna treat you like a little piece of trash on the ground.


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[Assistant] I think ultimately Kanye would be very toxic to be around.


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[Assistant] But I think that would be the thing I'd be like, I'll just deal with it. And then he would give me, you know, first listens to these things.


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[Assistant] His raps. Who's coming over? Oh, uh, Ross is here on 21 Sabbath. What's up fellas? And he was like, go make them a sandwich too, you dumb little bitch. I'll be like, alright, I'll make you sandwiches.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I think we chose, I think we chose who was right for each of us on that one. Yeaah. Yeaah, I think so. Uhm, look, we gotta wrap this up, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, Jesus Christ. Chris, right? Mm. Chris Jenner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know, I don't have any problem with it, but I just feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still a dick, yea, I'd be like, you have your dad's dick, but where are your dad's balls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we don't even know actually that Katelyn likes men. I don't know. That was a big thing about that. Oh, was that right? Yea, it was like, no, I like, I mean at the time, it was like that she likes women, that she's transitioning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, this was what I first heard, however long ago.


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[Assistant] Can retarded people drive? Would you rather fuck Caitlyn or Kris Jenner? These are the questions.


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[Assistant] Little Trump, nannies. You gave him a bad shout out. Yeaah, you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is huge! I can't believe I forgot this all the way till the end. Oh. Today, uh, uh, this week, the 28th. The 28th of this month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mostly stories. My album, based on the last Netflix special, comes out. The audio release comes out. Here's the thing. It has two bonus tracks. Two pieces of audio, two tracks that I just recorded, uhm, last month that I told them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of keeping these for myself for the next special, put them on this album. So if you get the new album, it'll be on iTunes, of course, Amazon, wherever you can buy and stream music. It'll be there. Two bonus tracks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love for you to get it. If you're interested in hard copies, I ordered a limited edition bound of hard copies. They'll be autographed and signed next week. And if you're a vinyl collector, the vinyl comes out in June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there will also be a limited amount, limited run of vinyl, which I'm going to do a signed, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the heck is vaginal leeching and why would a woman put...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason women would put leeches in the vagina is to treat some kind of condition or to improve their health and well-being or, uhm, to improve their sensations, whatever the reason may be, mainly it's health reasons of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was doing, Nina said, that in an interview, leeches basically attracted themselves to the inside of her cervix. Oh, inside of her cervix. Which doesn't sound very pleasant. When the therapy was over, the leeches drop out, some coming out fatter than a bottle of nail polish. Ew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You will then proceed to place the lich all the way, using your forceps, all the way inside.


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[Assistant] Pry anything open again to remove the leeches. That's not gonna be happening. The leeches are gonna crawl out by themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know you. I'm serious. I'm so upset right now. I like fall. I love a proper autumn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. That's terrible. Yeaah. That was really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would never know if they have any extra spray to clean up, but maybe their superpowers are strong enough to handle this again. Thanks for everything, I absolutely love glass in the palm cast every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taylor Rabi Matanos says overall the quality of all three jeans is good, but finds the ones from Target, which are the most expensive at $10, don't have strong side stitching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one with the double stitch are the $7 pair from Kmart. But the hem on those Kmart pair isn't as good as the others, according to Rabi. I could have told you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Juice. How's that? Better? You hear that? Yeah. You know what I'm sayin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so the women practice on the egg. What do the men do? Okay, the men, the first thing. Oh, hell, how you do that? They're practicing, they're called sharpening the knife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially on the gland penis. Rub them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you can rest? Because you make them strong and not sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, how often am I doing this? You have to do everyday until you can control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm sharpening the knife. That's what you call that? Okay. Alright. If you don't sharpen the knife, there's the number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number two, you have to learn how to contracting the project land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people cannot separate, and they don't know, they squeal on the anus, they just don't work. So when you contract the prostagland, because male G-spot is in prostagland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So when you contract the prostagland in the front, and you feel energy activate here. So you contract, and you feel here activate. Now, when man ejaculation, the pressure of the ejaculation is from the prostagland contracting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch. So you feel, so you see, when you do, when you get it, it's very quick. Two, three times you get it.


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[Assistant] Well, I already told them, like, you know, I know that they love all the whole show. Every aspect is so exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You downloaded it. You streamed it. You watched it. You did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the reason why I call myself alien is because alien is never associated with sex. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Genderless, it's sexless. And that's why I started saying alien.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have this long on. It's a sheer aquamarine, um, CK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let's see here. Oh, back up to the top right there. There's an interesting little amberfication going almost on to the sheer part of the panty right there and what that suggests


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then... I'm not seeing it on the menu here. Do you guys still make the fuck my stoma? Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, you have root beer, right? Is it bike's root beer? Or what kind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What everybody else is doing. I like it. And most of the time that's okay. You know I can hang out with my friends and it's just like normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would you marry? My dead mom or my dad? I asked him will you ever date your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little known fact is that people really liked that clip, and we assumed because we didn't get a lot of traffic on it through email or Twitter that they didn't, but, uh, one listener emailed and likened it to a Yelp review that sometimes you only see a review when there's something negative to be said.


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[Assistant] Do you think those are two of the dumbest people to live on earth?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you should have a level of shame where you're trying to conceal what you're doing. That's intelligence though. That's the mark of intelligence is shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, uh, you just came back off the road last night. You've been touring constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, this morning, I think what's on both of our minds is what happened to my morning dump?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I did because we woke up together and we both have our coffees and then we both take turns dumping. And I had my coffee, but there was no dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there were lots of farts, fart fart, no dump. And I'm like, what's going on here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The theory is this morning, you know, we have the Nespresso machine and we have different flavor pods. And I normally go with Intenso, which is a very bold, strong flavor of coffee. It's very strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the Nespresso, but this morning I went with pumpkin spice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a lighter coffee and I think because I chose a lighter coffee it didn't produce the bowel movement that I desired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well what I'm hoping to do, cause I gave up my ice double Americano with a splash of half and half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old school, this is old school jam. But I'm drinking it with a straw to preserve the whiteness of my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and we'll see if this produces a bowel movement. We may have to pause the show so I can go shit in real time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like it's nice to involve the listeners in our bowel movement. They don't always get to be a part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is he a sociopath? Just, he's got those eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says really inappropriate. He's a high achiever, which a lot of them are, but he also has a very direct sense of humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's funny, he makes me laugh a lot. I really enjoy him. He definitely looks through you though. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, now, now, there are brothers, these two boys that you spent time with. Now, is he the older, oh right, is he the eldest of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have I met Diego? Who do I meet? Roro. And what's the sociopath? Jorge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now who's the one that told me about the pink dolphins?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we should plan a trip to Peru or a vacation where we get to meet somewhere. Yeah. And see them. That'll be fun. I want them to go to Hawaii. Hawaii's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl is awesome. Yeah, why shouldn't, uh, deaf people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's never gonna happen. We've covered this. Will you stop saying never? No, it's never gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I mean it. Your butthole is so daunting and hairy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And chocolatey. Even though we have the totos now, the Washlet 350e, I don't trust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, what? We're just dressed like pups. It's not sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you run your finger in your butthole right now and smell it and then tell me if you- Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It's like golfing or any other fun hobby. Oh, oh jeez. It might be my thing. A cacophony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they look like so people know what to buy when they see you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause you physically have to pack them in a suitcase and fly across the country and take them city to city. It's a bit of a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is because if you ship it to the venue, nine times out of ten,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever collects it doesn't know, or it's outside, no one picks it up. I don't, I don't think it's safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you've got sizes, so now you've gotta bring, you don't have XL, you don't have L's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, that's a thing. It's human error. It's all small. But you know what? It's funny because in our business there's human error all the time. Where they give you the ticket things and the numbers don't matter. I would say most of the time I get paid inaccurately or something's inaccurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you bought a- So. Ticket for someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's not uncommon to have fraud on our cards. I think one time somebody in London went to like Versace. It's so weird why card thievery happens in the UK a lot. A lot of those mandems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause aren't you, you're really a big fan of those Twilight movies. I know you love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does. Taylor Lautner kind of has like a wonky nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's weird. But it's oddly big too. Yeah. Go ahead, what else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good question because Edward's like this educated, he's been alive for hundreds of years.


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[Assistant] But then, Jacob, they're kind of all about the party and the fun. They're down to earth. They keep it real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I switched depending on my mood, but Edward abandoned her. Let's not forget. I'm gonna kill you. I abandoned her in her time of need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not as characters? Not as vampires? No, they're real guys. Oh, I like Team Edward. Yeah, I like him more aesthetically. Robert. You know why? I don't really like muscular dudes. It's not my thing. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like those big, horse-cocked, muscular, fit, athletic-looking guys. You know, I'm gonna rein these dogs in, okay? Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you're just grumpy because you're tired and you've been on the road for a long time and you're grumpy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think she's into tossing someone's salad or having hers toss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember there was a time where people wrote in and they were like, I would eat Tom's asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, well I don't know, I just, I just know you. You haven't smelled your, your butthole by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if, even if you do wash, I feel like an hour later it just gets gamey again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just run your finger along your crack. There's no need to put your finger in your asshole. You don't want to get shit on your finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's I'm saying, is this guy in it for the social media glory? Well, you know. What's he doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this. Pretty great. I would have Ellis play with this guy. Yea. This is real life shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. You know, because doing your, just do your best is really not good life advice. Because it's not really the point. The point is to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're losers, so they would. That's right, yea. I like this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think this horse shit that you should just have fun. Like, no, actually when you're playing a competitive sport, it's not about having fun. If you wanted to just have fun, you wouldn't play a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how we were raised. That's, you know, Gen Xers and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Jen Wires, that's how we were raised. And then, you know, now it's all fuckin' pussified. Nobody talks to kids. Nobody tells kids the truth anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About life. Everything's sugar-coated and these poor fools have no clue what's happening when they go out in the real world. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's unfortunate for them. I'm not criticizing the kids, it's not their fault. No, I know. It's the adults who have failed them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I can't even get into it. But hurt feelings are what motivate you to change and do better. If you never get your feelings hurt, then you never realize what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Yeah. And you learn to deal with loss as a child. That's number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then you work hard and then you figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to not even let the kid feel the feeling of failure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well good luck in life, asshole, cause it's all failure and then you win some, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Resilience, yeaah. What a fucking dumb lesson we're teaching these kids, to give everybody a trophy just for showing up. Good luck. That's fucking retarded. That makes me so mad, doesn't that make you mad? I think it's silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay buddy? I'm turning into a, you said yesterday I was turning into a midwestern mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I totally am. I just have to start wearing culottes pretty soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine though, I like it. You're a total dad. This morning, we were playing with LJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, no. What I meant was no regard for her visual assault. The point is, is that you're not putting on pants, not because you think it's sexy, but it's just disrespect. She doesn't want to see your dick and balls hanging out of your, your shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Falling off the rails. How's it falling off the rails? The ringing and the barking and the t-shirt deliveries. It's alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The point is, do you think, I mean, why don't you put on pants? It's weird that you walk around in your underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think she, she probably notices it, but she's too polite to say anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, it's not sexual, we're just doing pup play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just need you to put on a dog mask and a latex outfit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also burp and fart relentlessly around her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other day I was coming home with Ellis and she was already at our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, uh, I didn't, you know, I saw her in the kitchen as I was pulling in the driveway, and I go in to get Ellis in the car seat, I'm taking him out, and I just rip a huge fart, just, and she's right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I thought it was really neat. The other week, you and I discovered something that we both hate together. Which is very rare because we've been together for 12 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hey, it's a be-bop-boo-ski-da-dee-duh-dee. Yeah, yeah. I think what bothers me about it is that it's such like, it's such a chauvinistic,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such like a douche, be a douchey chauvinistic thing if you're way, yea, if you're way into Sinatra, it means that you're, of that, you love that lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it just annoys me. I don't like the, I don't know, it irritates me. It's always kind of irritating me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's cultural, as was Sinatra, with Springsteen, with Lady Gaga, with any music. Mariah Carey, we were watching a show about her. If you identify with it on some level, it resonates. If your experience is in life, then you're like, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you didn't. No, you didn't. I don't hate him. I don't hate, I don't hate. I don't like Bob Dylan. You and I both don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. I think I don't like acoustic music in general. That is my least favorite genre. Give me a man or a woman and a guitar and I want to blow my brains out. I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear nothing like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have zero interest. What about the E Street Band or Bruce Willis' Blues Band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the E Street Band. And you gotta say for the whole show, you gotta take your seat, you gotta watch every song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you too. Cause that's a show, like you said, like at least it's a, they put on a grand show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy, you had to say the UB40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They open and close with red red wine. God damn it. Now that is a tough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate both of them a lot. Oh, but I hate red red wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how much you hate that song? I absolutely, I loathe that song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I hate about Red Red Wine? I'll tell you why. The one part, cause first of all, it is a remake of a reggae song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fact that it's two fucking dorky white English guys doing it infuriates me, number one. And then there's the rap part of the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the part, I hate that fucking, out of time, because I feel like it's a fake reggae breakdown. Yeah, it is. It's not, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's super, super lame, bro. I don't like it. Oh, you know what else we both hate? Oh, oh, Southwestern things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting that we both really don't like that. That's one of the few genres I'm not interested in at all. Anything southwestern. I don't like southwestern tastes. Like their food even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've had it a lot because I've been through those regions. I don't like their version of Mexican food. It's too different for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like, I like sopapillas, I do like those, I will say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do I. Fuck I hate it. Oh look how ugly that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's like, uh, yeaah, a tapestry? Is that what that's called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I really hate? Our fucking dream catchers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not, I'm not putting down the, you know, it's just the, the style. I'm not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all like Navajo stuff. Yeah. Fucking terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, look at that native. He's got full neck tats and a bullet. Well, you see, that's when you're a badass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we handed them the blankets full of the pox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, there's not enough money in the world to get me to work in a prison. Oh, I know, I know. I'd rather collect, I don't know, dirty diapers. I'd rather smell your butt all day. Yeah. And that being, God, this water's so good. Where's your water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! Oh my god, it's so great. Well, there's two things I emailed you that I want you to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't get that excited about anything in life. I love when these dads get super pumped about dumb shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really lost his load seeing those mooring ass trains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He threw some extra dad flavor on it. I think the, and also for me personally, I understand getting excited about an eclipse or the whales or catching a moose, hunting a moose, but the train was kind of like, okay bro, you ain't seen trains before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked him, will you ever date your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, the game is, the game evelates, elevates with Stanima.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, every week it gets higher and higher in the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he went back in the vaults on the references there. You're a real diehard mommy if you knew some of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking camp, that's a girl that has Tourette's, by the way, if you don't, we don't know that reference. Yeah. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's talking about camp and she goes, sometimes I say swears, you know, like fucking camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big words. Yeah, that's the girl that says fucking camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking camp. She's so, she's so upset about camp. It's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that guy really got them all in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a lot of fun. We've been very excited about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that was brilliant when she goes, when he says, would you ever, would you ever date your son?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't say super-sized or not normal, which is true. Good job, Ken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They understand that one. Now, Hey Hitler is also kind of a natural greeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job. Now the 50 piece nugget, I'm curious how long that lasted. That sounds disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what? I never sleep anymore. Once you have a kid, it's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't have a good memory. So what? You're the memory champ. Fine. I'm the personality champ. No, you're not. I'm the water champ. No. Everybody knows that. Everybody says it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, in addition to February 12th with my lover, my paramour Tom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 17th, I'm at the Hollywood Improv headlining that show. Uh, my friend Mary Lynn Rice Cub is joining. Steve Simone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. Oh, February 18th Flappers Comedy Club headlining that to the next night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, April 13th through 15th, Brea Improv. May 4th through 5th, Phoenix, Arizona. Stand Up Live. May 19th through 20th, Judork Titties. Gotham Comedy Club. June 1 through 3rd, I've just added Denver. Denver Comedy Works. Downtown, brothers. Oh my god. When is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come see me in Denver, and then June 16th through 17th, Man Brand Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. Tickets at thousandranch.com. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Re-fried beans are one of the great mysteries of the culinary world. Since how can there be a recipe for re-fried beans when there's no such thing as a fried bean recipe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Refried beans are one of the great mysteries of the culinary world. Since how can there be a recipe for refried beans when there's no such thing as a fried bean recipe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go ahead and soak one pound of pinto beans in cold water overnight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like everything these days, there's a lot of controversy on whether you should do this or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll let you do your own research on that. But I've been a bean soaker from way back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I did let mine soak in cold water for about 10 to 12 hours. Wow, that is exciting. At which point they should look something like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Including some peeled garlic, as well as a little bit of Mexican herb called apizote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, unless you grow it, is not that easy to find fresh. But it is much easier to find in its dried form. And I'm gonna go ahead and add a couple pinches of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In case you're wondering, this is sort of an extra strong, sort of minty oregano. And if you can't find it, some dried oregano will do just fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna reduce our heat to low. Low. We're gonna let this simmer uncovered for about an hour and a half or so. Or until your beans are soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Así que no están escuchando totalmente nada. ¿Estás oyendo Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, asshole. You better get your fucking ass up to the counter and I mean now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better get, both of you better get your heads out of your fucking asses. Right. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was bullshitting if you're ducking her right here in the building. I don't, I think she left her with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get your fucking ass home now, goddamn little motherfucker. Before I take you to the cleaners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got more class than the whole fucking cabinet. Thank you. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Various shticks, sometimes they fail and mine did not work at all. And the idea that I was attempting humor and failed, I take full responsibility and I certainly apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm saying this, I thought that I could do something edgy and humorous. Given that I am in parliament, the person, over the last four years, my record in parliament, what I've tried to exemplify, I never heckle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like hardcore pedophiles, murderers, rapists, scumfucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Brexit. We want our country back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's for Brits only. If you're not from here, get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did basically, well it'll change now because obviously you don't duplicate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This acting is great. Here's my favorite moment. I know. This is all... This is incestuous and gay. Because it's like my dad, and he's like, well my dad told me how to suck dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how it ends. Like, well, I know how you're dead, but my dad told me to put him in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, that could, that doesn't necessarily mean, I think in the edit, he was just like, line is over, take a beat, cut. Line is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It looks like with the same camera and production value and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've never pulled on it so hard that I ripped the skin. I definitely jerked off too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like as a teenager and like irritated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't even addressed the, uh, it's a meme. When you spend some quality time with your brother. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It's a lot. I don't know, man. Look at that. Yeah, that's a headshot right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a phone call happened like, how's it going out there in LA? It's going good. It's going good. I shot something today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. And uh, I auditioned for a non-sex role. It was like FBI agent. And this was when I was, you know, I was pretty cute. I was 23. And the guy goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sure you don't want to do one of the sex roles? I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he held up a picture of a naked girl, he'd be like, it was, it'd be with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, no, cause I knew, I go, there's no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way I, I want, I want to just, I'll take, I'll take a role in a ridiculous thing at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and I would be shaved, like 80 pounds lighter, and having fake sex, like, mmmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you have a, you can do hardcore if you have the- STANIMA. To do it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you've seen any hard cores lately. So let's hear your prices for both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardcore you would choose, you would do for less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we talked about does anyone conceivably do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not talking about the sharing of this now, or is that specific to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That part I actually, as gross as it is, I understand. There's just a point when your balls are like, it's like poison in men. Like you have to get that out. You do. You just gotta, you gotta bust that nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like your, your, your balls have like, like fucking warriors in there and they're just pounding on that and they just, it courses through your veins so it makes you, you're, you start, you start having less, um, you know, manners, right? Yea, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so you hulk up, but imagine if you're, if you're on a military race. Oh, I can't imagine. Yeah, and so, and then if you have, there's no women around, you have like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the thing is men are, like, take care of themselves. Most heterosexual males do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that comes from like, working out, I mean that goes for that, for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cleaning up for, you know, for smelling good, for showering, to grooming yourself, all that is with the end result is sexually viable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much. I mean, for most. Not all. There's some dudes that are, but I would say the average male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that switch goes off when there's no potential sexual mate around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like, there's things like, I mean like, washing your asshole and stuff, yes, uhm, you know, like you don't want a shitty ass, uh, you want to brush your teeth, things like that, but like the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you start to be like, man, whatever. But I mean, if there's a woman around, then you kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Killing, raping and killing, yea. Not that different than the way it is now, I guess, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think women do. The levelers. Yes, women are the levelers. Society. Women keep guys behaving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When before we had, uh, Chapito, uhm, we were both road dogs. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a week where, didn't happen that often, but there were some weeks where you were on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would devolve into just, nothing like, it wasn't about the sexual nature of it, it was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would be like, you'd be like, what'd you do last night? I'd be like, I stayed up till 5 30 in the morning. Why? I was like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you'd be like, what'd you have for dinner? I'd go, I didn't have dinner. Why? I don't know, I couldn't find anything here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were gone, I would either, if there wasn't something in the fridge...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would either, you know, I would look around like, well, there's nothing here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember a few times, a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when I was single in my early twenties, where my mother, my, both of my sisters and even cousins


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I think a lot of guys end up liking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just heard a buzz, it's gone now. Is your phone right nearby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like FIFO. But think about it. Do you think FIFO likes it here? Loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing is like everyone thinks that like, you know, nice smells are for ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just that ladies present nice smells. They introduce them to guys. But guys still like it. Because it smells good. Smelling good isn't like restricted to one species, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's gotta take out trash. That made it to the Reddit, uh, front page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, by the way, I want to address something about that. I saw a bunch of comments and people were like, oh, Tom just brushed over some like really sweet


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's not that I'm like, well that's a thing that I go, I dismiss what you're saying. He tells me this constantly. So it's not like every time he brings it up, I'm gonna have the emotional connection to the conversation. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also like confusing stories now. Like, he used to tell me this story about how when I was a kid, I would come into his room. Like one time I came in the bedroom and I was like three years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, you know, he was like, you know, some boys, they pull their dicks real hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the other day he goes, you know, one time, uh, we were at a theme park, like a Disney, we were at Disney World. And, uh, we were walking around and you got lost. And then, uh, I just lost you for a second. And then I saw you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He dressed up the memory. It was kind of boring before. Yea, it was a nightmare. Now it's Disney World.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so it's, it's wonder, but, but that's why people, when people are like, you just dismissed it, dude, my dad's told me that shit a thousand times. Can you imagine if every time he brought something like that up, I would go like, ah, dad, that's like, we'd be doing that all day. Then it would last for hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see how that turns out. But, good looking out bro. Good looking out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think just a life advice, uh, book from him would be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should get him in here, you know, maybe when we get like the new studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which would be good. Well my favorite thing actually when it came to dating was, remember when he was dating a girl and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His big thing was she doesn't like serve me after that. That was rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a few weeks ago, we have more emails to go to, but we want to show you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a few weeks ago, probably a few months back, we played this commercial. It was a Kansas City, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they have, they released a new commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have the little comb there? Yeaah. Where's that comb?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a different one for me here. Just for the beard? Yea, it was thinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Yeah, this one. See how the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay. So here's some of the new, uh, cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude is the best. I love that he just straight up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't give a fuck, and doesn't try to make this a commercial that would, you know. Sell stuff? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right away, he's just like, don't fucking, don't waste our time here with your, with your con... Don't waste our time with what I know I'm selling you is bullshit, right? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true that he's basically like, we're your last resort. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is rare and it had to be from like a shitty, you know. Of course. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, well, no, he's got a pretty serious infection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A very important email came in, wanted to read this to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Says, hey Hitler, uh, me and my pet raven were watching the podcast recently. Alright. When it came to our attention. Don't get ravens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now our attention, there seems to be a major disparity in the postures between the mommies. Tom...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you are very busy with the growing bird is fat movement on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that right? Uh, but I'm wondering if you could please address this important phenomenon. If main mommies keep it 100 with their jeans high and tight, regular flossing and wiping in a downward direction, then why can't Christina get that posture under control?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Pijinski is consuming any of these items, please tell her to stop immediately and take Tom's lead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, what is up with your posture? What do you think? I mean, people seem to be a real big fan of mine. What do you think is going on with yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I am really proud of my posture though. When you told me that this email came in initially, I was walking in New York, and I was walking by, you know, some building with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reflective glass. I took a just a little peek over at myself and I was like, oh man, my posture is fucking on point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Sorry, I got up at fucking four today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then I gotta coordinate, I mean we should have done this, I didn't know he was gonna be on this clip, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really crazy the level, I think with all, I haven't watched one of these horror shows in a long time, the levels of denial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's really crazy. Yeah, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're all fucked up. Uhm, you wanna read this email about denim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Uhm, let's see. So, it begins. Main Mommy Tina and Water Emperor Tom. Exactly. I was accused of wearing dad denim, so I bought a new, less daddastic pair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dadtastic pair. Now the verbal abuse and ridicule continues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were a little long, so I rolled them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For public denim, or is this a denim violation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two, these are probably the most comfortable jeans I have ever purchased. They are both high and tight, but they are thin denim. What are your thoughts in thick versus thin denim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks mommy, I look forward to your wisdom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely, definitely. Particularly with, uh, with men's, uhm, men's jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've said this many times on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the greatest thing you can do when you get some new denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is get that tailored, just like you would a suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, you don't have to have them tailor it like you would a suit, you just get it slightly mod, especially-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially the, you know, what's it called? The inseam, right? The length. Like, you want it, you tell them, look, I want it to drop over the shoes a little, I want it to kind of just be over the ground, but this shit doesn't play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, the thin, I know he's talking about thin denim, I think thin denim definitely acceptable and I think it's actually a lot of times much more comfortable, it feels better, it doesn't feel as heavy on you, you know, as thick denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this, I don't know, I'm a fan of the, of the quality, I believe that you purchased, of the wash. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this like, I would think if you were going to kindergarten, it would be a cute little look for you. Five years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you should keep like rolling these up to the knees. If you keep rolling them, and then you get cowboy boots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you have your jeans rolled up to your knees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were also on some crazy sale with an additional 40% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And silver shades. That's my cousin. Yeah, it is your cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, when your cousins came, they looked real crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how it sits on the waist, but it looks like it's fine to me. Yea, too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and not only that, I want you to get it fixed and I want you to send us a picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's a clean, like, if they're clean whites, they're low cuts obviously, like low cuts, um, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or you can get like, there's a bunch of brands you could pull it off with. I think you could still make it work. If you're wearing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, black denim, white kicks, white top, I mean, you know. That's different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we're also thinking, I'm, like, you're, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tasted like shit. You spit it out. You chew it up and you spit it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I didn't offer it, I wasn't like, oh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was wanting, I really wanted you to verify whether or not it was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wanted to know if it was good. Okay. And then you, you let me know that it wasn't that good. Okay. So I appreciate you actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know what the funny thing is? This is the truth. I was thinking about this after that. If you hadn't verified for me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, whatever I had there, I just would have finished it reluctantly. And then when you ate it, you're like, this is bad. I was like, Hey, that is bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, man. Uhm, hey, so did we get this, uh, that, that audio fix of the, of the, the top dog thing we wanted to air?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, found it. So, this is salvaged from the episode that we essentially are redoing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's another audio issue in this, it's going to be, you know, discovered as we're doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well the answer is, because they deserve them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize that like, his response was different this week though. It was a different mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, the first time it was just, I mean, maybe, you know, there were different jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's commenting on them more. Still laughing, but not as hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was, uh, by the way, that distortion that you just heard there, that little crackling, that was throughout the entire episode. So that's why, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, I got a couple more for you, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's almost related to his age. He also likes older, hanging out with older guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's like, okay, he was like, okay, Sally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially after a leak. If like, if you're like, you're like, he's pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean with dumps, I'm like, dude, that's super necessary.


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[Assistant] And he's like, oh yeaah. Like, but I could tell there's some level of him that's like, not really.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dad, balls and feces, yeah. You should wash your hands after you meet my dad.


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[Assistant] Mostly, uh, you know, a lot of times it'll be like, I called him and he'll answer and he'll be like, I'm taking a shit. And I go, Oh, all right. He's like, yeah. He's like, Oh, actually, you know what his favorite thing to do is?


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[Assistant] 10 minutes later go, you wanna know something amazing? And I go what? He goes, I took a shit. I wiped.


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[Assistant] Wash my hand or, and now I'm back in my office, all without you knowing that whole time.


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[Assistant] And he's like, he's like, you realize how skilled I am?


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[Assistant] My first thought, I always say to him, I'm like, well, I didn't hear a toilet flush. He goes, yeah, I didn't flush it. And I'm like, nah. He's like, that would have given it away.


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[Assistant] You forwarded me that email? Check out this though, this is different.


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[Assistant] That's great. That lady should be on the news every day. Yeah. Yeah. Holding dicks as she goes to the news. Especially a dick in each hand.


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[Assistant] They just, uh, now Lethal Weapon is a television show, you know? You know that?


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[Assistant] Which was a good movie, uh, good movie, franchise. A few movies, yeaah. Okay, you wanna see, uh, Horrific or Hilarious? Yes. Okay, hold on. Let's see.


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[Assistant] Neither horrific or hilarious. That would be called boring, that first one.


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[Assistant] I know and they went into like some deep underground chamber.


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[Assistant] Literally an inch lower or higher, he'd be alive.


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[Assistant] Yeah, poor guy because he wasn't a guy that fucked with animals really. I mean, you know, in a joking way, we talk about it like that. That guy loved animals.


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[Assistant] Oh, he's really cute. Looks like he's doing animal stuff too. He's got a zoo thing on him. Oh, I love them already. Bendy and whatever on this side.


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[Assistant] Well, uhm, there is this one last voicemail that I thought was really funny. This is from a, uh, a governor. The governor of Maine.


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[Assistant] On some other, uh, some other politician from the same state, from Maine.


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[Assistant] Fallout is from this, but I heard that and I was like, that's a governor. That's awesome.


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[Assistant] There's gotta be some, I mean, voicemails are a real, uh, cat, you know.


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[Assistant] It was like a political move during that, like the, the voicemails left in anger. And at some point he goes, release this. In other words, he's not like, he's thinking two steps ahead as he's speaking. You're not going to surprise me with the release. I'm telling you to release. But I bet you if he could go back, you know, maybe he doesn't do that. I don't know.


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[Assistant] No, here's the thing, when this story broke, they accused him of using, the headline was, Governor of Maine uses homophobic slur. There's already a cocksucker.


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[Assistant] Like of course you can say, well yea, saying sucking cock in some pejorative. Yes, yes.


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[Assistant] It's, no, but I think of it as an insult in term, in the line with asshole, fuckface, shit head. Douchebag. Yeah, yeah, like. Yeah, motherfucker. I've never heard it or thought of it in terms of your being homophobic.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I'm gonna fluid bond with Jessie, I don't know, I'm just gonna do different things.


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[Assistant] The philosophy of many poly people. Just make a bridge and get over it. Alright, uhm, we gotta get out of here. This was a very busy day.


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[Assistant] Let's put all gender signs on the bathroom. That's a great idea.


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[Assistant] One is father and son. One is kiss my pussy on a bloody day.


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[Assistant] Thank you guys for listening. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com.


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[Assistant] Shop in the store, use our Amazon banner, come see shows, and we'll be back.


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[Assistant] We'll be back, uh, next week. Alright. Bye, Jeans.


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[Assistant] Diamonds in the crevice, they're your pussy.


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[Assistant] At the end of the day, like I said last time, I stand by her. If she feels like she's Britney Spears, then all by God, let her be Britney Spears, god damn it. Bitch still ain't called me. I don't give a shit.


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[Assistant] But nah, man, I mean, I said all I had to say is just bullshit. I said nothing.


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[Assistant] I said nothing, man. I said enough to get people to watch. They watched? Yea, you just did. Silly goose.


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[Assistant] I don't tell anyone. I don't think that's a cool- you don't do that either, it's not cool.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm talking about. But I'm talking about all those swinging dicks that you played around with.


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[Assistant] Today was, for people that don't know, we're recording this on Monday. I just did Joe Rogan's podcast with my buddy, Brent Kreisler, and we've had this weigh-in, this weight loss challenge, and today was the weigh-in, and...


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Technically, at first it was gonna be a three day weigh-in, we just scratched that. That's crazy talk. So we did a two day weigh-in.


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[Assistant] So we both came in today and he was like, you know, I ran like 20 miles yesterday and I did this today. You know, he's just being burnt like impulsive and crazy. Right. Binging at the last. Yeah, yeah, which is exactly how I predicted he would do this.


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[Assistant] Oh right, the 227 was the BMI to get you out of obesity and into just overweight.


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[Assistant] That was based on being 6'1". I'm about a half an inch shorter than Burt. Technically we would then have different BMIs, but we both just agreed to do 227. That was now.


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[Assistant] If one of us had stayed over 227, that person's still in obesity, they'd lose the- because the whole thing was to try to get out of obesity.


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[Assistant] Ari is now part of this and he's, he was like, instead of getting the call, he got the call, instead of being congratulating, he was like, wait a minute, wait a minute, started to like backpedal about basically not wanting to pay for


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[Assistant] And then he was like, then he started going back to our height, and I was like, dude, we're both well under. And he was like, so what? And then he told me, he was like, he was like, you're on the cusp, you need to not gain any weight. And he told me that today. Uhm, so what happened was, Burt weighed in first, he was 221, and I was like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] When I woke up today, when I got on the scales, first thing, I took a leak and I got on the scales, I was 221.


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[Assistant] So I was like, alright, I know I can...


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[Assistant] I can, cause I was sweating a little bit, you know, doing stuff this morning, so. I suspected I would be around 220, and I ended up being 219. So I was just 2 pounds, which is not much.


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[Assistant] So we are now within a 24 hour window of the weigh-in where we both want to win. We both need to come in at or lower than, like basically this is what has to happen. If we weigh the same tomorrow, it's over, I win. If I weigh less tomorrow, any weight, I win.


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[Assistant] If he weighs less, he has to be more than two pounds less.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, this is my strategy. This will be, you know, uh, in, like I said, this will be after the fact later. Sure. People will know what happened tomorrow, but uhm,


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[Assistant] You know, I talked to some people and uhm, it seems to be the best strategy is to eat some very small, uh, meals. You don't want to completely starve yourself.


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[Assistant] It is a mostly, it's actually a chocolate and sausage diet is what it is. Um, so just little piece. So you just have small portions.


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[Assistant] Uh, something fatty, like I've been having avocado, uhm, little piece of chicken, little bit of spinach, just to like, kinda keep something in your system. I'm gonna be active, I'm gonna do, uh, but just cardio, I'm gonna do some cardio work.


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[Assistant] The toughest part is the last couple hours. It hurts. Cause then hopefully I'll be, you know, I know I'll be fatigued. I'll be tired tonight. So you just want to be asleep. Yeah. Fall asleep.


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[Assistant] So that'll be the hard part and then I'll try to get another sweat going, especially the hour leading up to the weigh-in. Wow.


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[Assistant] So, I'll know, like when we're done here, I'm gonna go work out, I'm gonna, you know, figure out my weight, I'll figure out how much of that, I'll kind of have an idea how much is water weight, and I'll know how much I need to sweat.


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[Assistant] Thanks, Jeans. I think it's been just like, you know, it's the same switch that flipped the first time I lost weight, which was about 16, 17 years ago. Um, there's sometimes you just go like, ah, I just want to do this. I don't like being, you know, this big and, you know, you just go, I'm just going to do something about it.


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[Assistant] I have the, uhm, I have the same, you know, by the way, a lot of people have asked, so I'll just tell them what I did.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I got onto a keto diet. The reason I did that is that uhm, I actually, I didn't even know, it's funny that he's my buddy, I didn't know that that Joe had been doing that.