[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, it is not. It is a limited series, uh, I can't say too much about it. Uhm, shortly we'll be able to, but uhm, it's, yeah, it's me and Bob and his brother Bill, who was a writer and producer of Mr. Show as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that, I mean, that was, you know, one of the things, I mean, it's a pain in the ass, and took us a lot of time, but, uh, and one of the things is, if you ever see us pulling out of a poster,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well sometimes they were just tiny ideas that we had, uh, that we had no, they were like tiny little bits that we just didn't have a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We couldn't make bigger, we couldn't, uhm, uh, and they were, we put everything up on the board, so, so, the way it worked was Bob and I would meet for a month, and, kind of informally, we would just write, talk about ideas, uhm, write sketches, and then, uh, put all these things up on the board, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, index cards. And then, and then the, uh, the, all the other writers would come in and we'd start


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the sh- like an opening or- and we'd have- we'd separate things from film bits to live bits to little mini scenes that sometimes ended up being transitions. Either we'd cut them down or go, oh this is a great way to transition. If we can figure out in-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Uhm, and then you just put all, everything up on the board, and then you start


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It occurs to you like, oh my god, this idea about the sausage thing would be a great link from this to this. We can just change it a little bit. And so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quite often that's how it would come about and sometimes you'd have to just come up with a transition and sometimes you did and sometimes you didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all. Not at all. It was, it was, you know, early, early on, uh, you know, for HBO and their whole thing was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we, we are trying to market ourselves as not being anything, you know, you, you're not going to be able to see this anywhere else. You're not going to be able to see it on network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if there, was there even other cable shit back then in the, I mean maybe Showtime? Yeah, maybe. No, no, it was the HA channel, but even that was kind of corporate, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that, you know, there was the, uh, Chris Rock show and, and what was it around it? It was like, uh, Tracy Ullman. And, uh, and there wasn't a ton of stuff. And so their whole thing was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go! You know, do, we only got one note in four years. What? We got one note that we, we had to take. And that was, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of, they, they insisted that we, uh, add our names to the title. Originally it was just Mr. Show and, and we were kind of reluctant to put the, with Bob and David, but they insisted on that. And then the only other thing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we was, uh, note we had to take was there was, uh, uh, opening. Oh, I think it was, I think it was an idea about how to make an artistic kid or something like that or, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, the opening was, uh, uh, like dream sequences, or flashbacks, I should say, and, uhm, and it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I run over to the stage, and I'm in like a 20s outfit, like a big fur, raccoon fur coat, and Mary Lynn Rice Cub was like the mom, and I was the, my dad, and then she had, uh, she had a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, you know, plastic, baby doll, whatever. That was supposed to be me. And, and I'm like, oh, look at this little kid, look at this WordPress snapper, oh, getcha, getcha goo, getcha goo, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the other thing was, and they knew this as well, it's like, obviously we're not saying have intercourse with the baby, we're saying, you know, but they're like, no, not even, don't, don't bother arguing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so fucking great. He is great. I'm always, always, uh, thrilled and it's a little kind of, you know, almost heartwarming in a way to, to know that we had that effect. Oh, definitely, man. We had a kind of a positive influence on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, uh, it's, you know, uh, interesting that you say that in light of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, uhm, so Bob and I reunited, as it were, for Netflix. We did with Bob and David. And there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so crazy to me. I mean, it's just absurd, uh, but there was this sketch that we did that we were both really proud of. We really liked it. And it took us a long time to, to kind of, it probably went through about 11 drafts and that's a lot. I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually you'll have like four or five, but this went through so many drafts, uh, uh, before we kind of figured it out and got it right, but it was called, uh, Know Your Rights. And it was, uhm, uh, at the time we wrote it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those, uh, kind of self-made YouTube things that were really popular, they're these guys, and they're really funny. The guys are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, I am, a lot of them in Texas too. Uh, okay, I am, uh, right now I am, uh, driving and I have, uh, uh, I'm gonna exercise my right to open carry or whatever the fuck it is and they film themselves and they try to get in altercations with cops and so, so the idea was this guy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was doing it, uh, to know your rights, you, you, you know, if a cop pulls you over, you have this and this and this. And, uh, but the, the cop who's black, uh, is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very accommodating and not, uh, there it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the, can people, are people watching this or listening to this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull over then! Jesus Christ, pull over! Um, so that, uh, there it is, new police brutality, uh, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sketch right there, uhm, and, uh, uh, and Keegan Michael Key, uh, who's great, plays the top, and he's black, uh, and he's just very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The character's trying to bait him and goes further and further and further because he's trying to, you know, prove this point and the cop's just like, no, it's okay, you don't have to close your window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, like the fourth or fifth step in, he ends up, uh, donning blackface, uh, going, this, this, well, this'll do it. And then he goes up and, uh, and the cop's like, well, you know, he's totally cool. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are like four levels to why the blackface is there. It's not a guy, it's, there's, and there's, uh, uh, several points that are made in the entirety of the sketch, which is kind of a, I like to think a Mr. Show hallmark where we have levels to it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Netflix, you know, somebody wrote a letter, something, somebody wrote an email, and Netflix pulled the entire


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's the thing that bothers me more than any other aspect of any of this shit is that people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's how it would be written about. No, there's no, there's no, uh, uhm, and this, you know, this also applies to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's, that's why the fact that it's anti-intellectual is so, uh, uh, you know, irritating and frustrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, yep. And, and then the uhm, when people are, uh, are then, the people who are angry are then saying, this is what he said, then they're starting to do your bit without your, they don't have the, uh, skill or the ability or the intuitive ability to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, as I said, it was probably, I mean, it was, it was several months and maybe a year ago. Uh, I mean, at least, it had been up for at least a year, I would say, if not longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the other, the mitigating factor here is, you know, he has, uh, they invested, you know, 50 million dollars into him and he gets a shit ton of eyeballs and I don't think Bob and David got nearly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess you pulled it up on YouTube, right? That's not just a still, right? You can actually see the bit. Because they took the whole episode down. Yea, can you see that bit? I don't know, do any of those play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that, yeah, that's it. But they took the whole, uh, it's a good bit too. It's a, it's a, I mean, it's, it's one of the better ones we did, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's premium too. Ah, that's good. YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a kid, I would just dream of YouTube premium. As a little boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say the blackest dick, are you talking color or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. I like that. I mean, there's a sketch right there. You're halfway to a sketch. But why couldn't it be the biggest, blackest arm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes, we shortened your penis, and then we were able to get your arm just perfectly intact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I mean we could, uh, technically, but why would we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I know, we were doing, I don't understand what you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great, well you're welcome, and congratulations, and so we shortened your penis. I know, it's like half an inch. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, there was, they did, uh, they did like, um, like a mini, you know, a mini-series or whatever you call it. There's a few of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lady who, uh, who was giving, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Botox, but like, uh, doing, uh, I think she was in Florida, she was doing plastic surgery, uhm, and killed people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where are your credentials? Oh, look at the mugshot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's impressive, and uh, uhm, You know, I don't like to kink shame, but, you know, I'd do them. Yeaah. Yeaah. I've never fucked a puffer fish before, but look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was, I gotta say, I'm sorry to interrupt, but she doesn't move a muscle. She's like just doing whatever she's doing over the sink and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that from my mom. Like, uh, you know, like an expectation from anybody really in my family, an expectation that like, well, you've made money, let's, uh, how am I getting in on this? Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but here's the thing, you're American. Right. So, you gotta remind your mom, you may be Latin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, it's, I don't mean to sound harsh at all, but it's kinda like in, in my neighborhood where I've lived for several years, uh, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are two, there's a bunch, but there's two kind of main, uh, guys who beg for money. And everyone knows them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have this relationship with this one, his name's Josh, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it, it, the, the, the guys kind of like compete with each other in a, in a sense, or, or I should say they, they, they don't, they don't work the same places. You know, like, oh, Josh is going to stand in front of the grocery store and Abraham's going to be over here by two blocks down by the bodega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and they kind of stay out of each other's way, um, and, uh, but I have a relationship, a very strange relationship where I have that same feeling, like, okay, I gave him $11. I pulled what I had out, I gave him $11, so surely,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That buys me, like, a week, right? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it really only comes if I give ten or more dollars. If I have to give him five bucks, then he's gonna, then he's gonna ask again. And, uh, and I, you know, I pass him several times a day, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, uh, but if I give him over ten dollars, then it kind of, I get a smile and a wink and it kind of buys me. He's like, we're good for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've given him a twenty before, and I, and it came from conversations like, Josh, I gave you ten bucks, this is all real. Josh, I gave you ten bucks on Thursday. Uhm, and it's always about getting something to eat, and uh, uhm, you know, unless they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you give me $20, Dave, Dave, Dave, if you give me $20, I'm so hungry. If you give me $20, I won't ask you for a week or a month or whatever. I was like, all right, Josh, here's 20 bucks. All right. And, and it's like I, it's like I bought his, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you go for a stretch, uh, uh, a good, you know, like say, I don't see him for a week, you know, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll think, I'll be like, oh man, uh, you know, Josh is hanging out outside of Key Foods, and uh, he's not down in front of Hartleys, and da da da. And then like a week will go by, and I'm like, oh shit, I wonder if he, I wonder if he died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I'll think that, and then three, four days later I see him, I'm like, oh, alright. I guess he's, I guess he's not dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say that as much as I don't care for playing Hard Rocks or playing in Hollywood, their hospitality is tremendous for artists. They're great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, electric, I get an electric. Yeah, electric, okay. No, I got a, I got a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got it from Hurricane Sandy, because our other car literally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just, and I'm like, it sounds like I'm making a joke, but he was just cutting checks. You just go over there, meet me. Yeah. I'm on Adam street, uh, in the corner of Adams and John. And, and, uh, he came over and looked at it. I didn't spend more than five seconds. Really? And just cut a check. Basically gave us the, the, you know, the script. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, uh, uhm, you know, we got a kid and we have a house upstate and we're always lugging shit back and forth. It's in the woods and, you know, uhm, I literally bring kindling down from upstate. I'll build boxes with kindling. Really? Yeah. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you got tricked. You got totally tricked. That's, that's where the anger comes from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the, it was the kind of goth theatrics and that kind of stuff, like I didn't go for it at all, that kind of, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fair, they're both very insular, they're both, uh, extremely insular, right? You know, and, and, uh, they're both, and this is a good thing, proud of being nerds, and, uh, and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think with, with goth culture, you have, you have to, you have to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an affectation to your personality that being a fan of Star Trek doesn't necessarily have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I was making a joke. Rappleren is the American- He's Jewish, right? I have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would, I would change my name to Lifshits, regardless of what my, even if I manufactured Lifshits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that, what's the one, the green, the bright green on the, yeah, what is that? Oh, that's like a youth thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have very good eyesight and it looks like, I thought it was like a Peter Pan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and, and, just, just to be clear, and again, I'm a, I'm an old guy, so I don't know this stuff, I mean, as my kid gets older, I'll start knowing more of this, I suppose, but, what, uh, obviously I know what, uh, uh, Twitter is, and Instagram, and TikTok, I know you make videos, but what, what, is there anything distinguishing about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yeaah, because I was going to say I've seen stuff that's not musical. I've seen that stuff before, where somebody will like kind of use their faces in the camera, they come back and they're like, and they do this dance and stuff. I've seen that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, and, and the other ones are just, it's, you're making a video, uh, and I guess you can edit within, cause I've seen that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not, it's not like vines that lasted only had a, uh, you can make a TikTok as long as you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you never seen a tortilla or a masa or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, that's so, so complete 180 opposite of an experience I had, where uhm, I was on the C train too, I was going home, and there was a woman who was clearly like, fucked up, and uhm, and she,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is after, like, in my head for a full minute, like, I gotta say something, I should say something, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, could you, uhm, could you not, uh, I was honestly, could you not, uhm, uh, you know, do that on the train, you know, could you wait and just get, and she's like, I can't remember what she said, and I was like, you know, at least wait until the, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doors open, go out, I was like sending her out, and away from the train, and then she just got up, and she like did this whole, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I've never seen somebody smoke crack, but I mean, she was lighting up, uh, uh, I mean, it was just weed, but, um, and I also don't want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, like, you know, if you have a bunch of Doritos, you know, that shit's gonna happen. You have too many cracks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's all matted together. No, but it's like the, you know, it's a specific bun wrap dread thing. The guy goes outside in like a, you know, his underwear and just stands in the sun with his mouth open and his eyes closed to get the vitamin D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys ever see, uh, I don't know if you were part of that kind of culture, uhm, the, uh, Todd Weeks? Who's out of Ohio, I believe. Todd Weeks? No. I believe he was, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, there's found footage. Found footage was great. Uhm, but there was a guy, self-defense expert guru. No, that's not him, but go, keep scrolling, you'll, karate, karate, karate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There he is. That's Todd Weeks. But those are the newer ones. But trust me on this, guys. Go, uh, obviously it's not the guy who looks like the lawyer. And he's got, scroll down, keep scrolling, like the original ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, uh, these are actually a little later. There's some others that are just amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will, I will follow that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've got so much of this shit already. We had a Mr. Show sketch about it. Oh yea, this page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it's Joey, but it's, uh, Queen's Ghost Pepper. Go to Queen's Ghost Pepper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Ah, damn it. Oh, shoot. It's, maybe it's not chilly, it's like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, that's it, Chuck from the Bronx, that's it. That's it, there he is. No, no, don't, don't, don't give it away. You gotta watch it from the beginning. Okay, okay. But we're not gonna watch it now because it's too long. Yeah, yeah. But, uh, trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play the first, uh, play the first, uh, 20 seconds or so. And just to get his voice and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Chuck. For the duration of the video. I'm just remembering, oh my god, it's great. It's ten and a half minutes and it's just pure. Oh my god. Oh it's great. Oh wow. And it's, you know, it's a slow, the slow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I feel like I've already got, uh, and I'm not trying to be funny, I've already got too many distractions and stuff and I've got, uhm, you know, I've got work to do and a little kid and I feel like the less of those things that I can go down a rabbit hole the better for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, here's what we'll do, uhm, if you guys are cool with it, I will call one of y'all. Yea. And say, hey man, what's the weather in Florida? You can go on, if you've seen it, you tell me. Yea. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't like texting, so I will call. And, and just tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were so fucking giddy when they came up with that idea. They spent five minutes high-fiving and like, dude, we're gonna do this. And then, yeah, they loved that idea. They were so in love with that idea. And there was one person, doesn't work there anymore. It was one person who was like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just, uh, if I could just bring up one thing, what if it kind of, uh, you know, gets stuck or it's too slow or like, nah, it's gonna be fine. We, we, Jesus will, Jesus will make sure it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My absolute pleasure. This is, uh, this is a blast. It's really fun. And, and yeah, I'm just happy to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In 2014, during a depressive episode, I spent $87 on Candy Crush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm dying now. So much for that question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I use the term Minor Attracted Person or MAP in the title and throughout the book for multiple reasons. Uhm, first of all, because I think it's important to use terminology for groups that members of that group want others to use for them. Uhm, and MAP advocacy groups, like Before You Act, uhm, have advocated for use of the term MAP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've definitely heard the idea that you brought up though that the use of the term minor attracted person suggests that it's okay to be attracted to children. But using a term that communicates who someone is attracted to doesn't indicate anything about the morality of that attraction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to our fireplace, our fireside chat. It's really nice. Really provides a lot of warmth, this thing, huh? It's very nice. Ooh, I love it. You guys used to talk shit to me because in the old studio, the last one, I would have a space heater under the desk. It was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always hot, and he's always cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feels so good. I also like a sweaty sleep. I love sweating in my sleep. Cause it gets all the impurities out. I don't know. I have a high tolerance for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm, I'm, my blood is thin I think because I'm from California, right? I don't know. That's my theory is that I'm always cold. I'm like an iguana. I gotta be on a heating rock. I'm gonna be a lizard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on fire. And I will say, you know, all these years I've been busting your chops for no cuddling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the other night we were, I was right next to you and I was like, whoa, you're a fireball right now. So I do understand you. You do run hot and our sons do too. So I understand it's, it's genetic. Do you think it's because of the natural fur coat that you wear all the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do? 65. If you could have it as cold as you wanted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Irvine Improv, May 20th and 21st. The Borgata, Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 4th. Okay, June 5th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wilbur at Boston Massive Huge Tits. That's so gay. Christina P online. That's so gay. Yup. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know this was old or viral. I just saw Mark, it's Mark McGrath. That's his name, right? Sugar, Sugar Ray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna fly. Right. That guy? And then he seems like he's a little ripped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause once you igno- So don't call me that, now you're just, you're inviting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't freak out, you just have to roll with it. You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, see, that's how you get rid of it. You gotta own it, dude. Good for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, he did very well. He transitioned into like mainstream TV. And if this had happened, this video now, dead, he'd be dead, right? For threatening. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 18 years ago, you could threaten someone's life with a million cameras around and it was cool. Now you can't do this shit, which sucks. Mark McGrath, there he is. 1968.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny because I always thought that SugarGay looked very aggressive. Like didn't he have the tats?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he looked like he could really like sing punk rock and then it was like, put your arms around me, baby. Like it was so, it didn't match the look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he looked, he looked like third eye blind or whatever, like that era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, yeah, it was like poppy. Very catchy, very popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was super sweet. Everyone liked the stuff, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I mean that's why, cause it rang true. See what I mean? Like he looks like a bad boy, and the music was just not bad boy. Which is why he could probably segue into a hosting career, cause he was fairly innocent, like. So he's like the bad boy of like pop. Which is probably why they called him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we don't generally celebrate it as a couple. It's just a terrible holiday to go out and battle with the crowds and such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like Mother's Day for that, it feels fake too, Father's Day, all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we get some, something? Should we acknowledge it? I do feel like we have to acknowledge it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you could buy me some flowers or something nice or some sexy panties or something that you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, meaning I get to have a bunch of dudes and you're one of the guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I saw you working out this morning. Your tonal lady seemed very attractive. She was covered in tats and you seemed to really be into her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you know what's so funny? You know Robert Smith of The Cure? He's like a goth guy. And I remember one time this girl was a super fan of Robert the same way I was, and she was so disappointed to find out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I felt so betrayed by that knowledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's very good. Within a real cowgirl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that, you're like, I don't know what the appeal is of like 20 chicks. It's like how do you- Not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm proud of myself, like how many guys can I handle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Norm Summerton. He likes girls too. He does, yeaah. Yeaah, I could do, I could do Norm. That's true. And Unkshine? Yeaah. He's already a fan of me, Christine. Yeaah. Hey Christine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when we did go to Puerto Rico? And uhm, there were so many sexual towels in all of the gift shops. It was hypersexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I think it'd be better for it to just be a flurry of fast cum, and then like, I'm done, I'm drunk, I'm high, I'm out of it. Like I'd have to do heroin or something beforehand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm scared of all these guys. These guys are too big. You know what? I change it back. Cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're right. You're right. I should go with the soccer team. Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awww. Yeaah, what a bunch of dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, stop. Let's see if they line them up by like the hottest chicks in the middle. They had to have, right? Like the girl with the biggest cans there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is Texas though, y'all. I do love their blondes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time a boss of mine told me, like, Christina, guys just like to watch boobs bounce. That's true. Just any boobs bounce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found an article on BuzzFeed the other day about Joel Osteen. Can you please bring it up? So you know on BuzzFeed they always have these silly articles like, top 10 most inappropriate things said on a talk show and it gets you to click because it's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you believe these sexist comments? Okay, oh my gosh. So this was an article about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really got called the worst P.O.S. on this list. It says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean, this list had like, you know, all kinds of folks on there, but that was by far the most scathing thing that somebody said about Joel Esteem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well on the other, the flip side of that is true too. People that have horrendous parents can often be like the coolest people. So like, how is that? How did that happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the danger comes in the hotel when you use the wipes. Cause I blocked the toilet up a few times doing that and then you have to ask for the plunger. It's a very embarrassing thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And are you and your wife open about dropping? Or are you guys hiding it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Oh yea, like they, it's like they, they're, who can be the most, um, not, you know what I mean, moral? Like, who's, they're Puritans in a weird way. Like, back in our day, there was like nerds and cool people and jocks and you partied and you fuuucked and you had a good time. They don't have fun, right? Like, is that just no fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, I do think about that, like, what's gonna happen when they watch the show and this and that, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, on the other hand, I feel like they know us, and we're already maniacs. Like, we're not prudes at home. That's not to say we talk about sex or anything, but we joke with them on a level, right? Like, show me your b-hole, or Ellis will open his asshole and be like, look at my ass, look at my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had this epiphany, I forget which was the first one. Oh, I didn't dry myself off properly for like 42 years. I would get out of the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to suffer. Like you can just do things better. Or little things like, so I've realized, uhm, okay, here's the one I realized. Like you just say something your whole life and you don't know what the hell it means. Yes. What is AM and PM? 7 AM, 7 PM. What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Your whole life you've said that. I know. And you're like, what's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And post meridian, right? So before the meridian line of the earth or whatever and then the sun goes past that and now you're past that. So post meridian I think it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do think we're at the end of an era. Like we're witnessing the turn of the century. This is an unprecedented level of technology in the last 50 years, right? In your lifetime, in my lifetime, hasn't it just been like bananas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, what he did every minute of basically the day of September 11th when it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was fascinating to see how fucking human


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And inept, everything is. For instance, in the war room bunker. The fucking war room bunker. They're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we didn't have much oxygen in the room, so people had to leave and take turns. There was too much CO2 in the room. They didn't have capability to have audio and video at the same time on the news screens. They were watching the news. And by the way, when the shit hit the fan September 11th, you know how the government got their information?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The news, the same fucking place you were getting it from. Like, you think that they have some special thing? They don't. Oh, and then they went to Air Force- when they were in Air Force One, GW was flying around to avoid being attacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They couldn't communicate, he couldn't communicate with the vice president because the phones weren't working. Like in the White House, like shit like that where you're like, you guys can't even get that together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do. So I have significantly decreased the amount that I go out to be with our children more, and then all money bags here, he gets to go out and tour a lot more aggressively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, my parents, I worked since I was 13, and that whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that true? Yes, 100%. 100%. Uhm, I think working early helped me go like, oh, okay, I got it. But I also enjoyed it. I liked the freedom of that and that my parents trusted me to do that. You know, I don't have hands, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to do Christian service hours in Catholic school. You had to do like 20 hours a semester and I had to like do old folks homes or feed the homeless at five in the morning on a Saturday. That was pretty brutal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they just escaped communism. They just didn't like being told what to do. So they were like, fuck this, and they left when they were like 20, 21 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My yard. My yard. Close, yea. My yard. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mail, mostly. But can I tell you though, I feel like it's been, it can be anywhere from, I've been in, in uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, pharmacies where like the guy is stocking the sodas and he's going, I'm listening to you right now. And that's his job. And then I've done shows where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the heart surgeon who's like, I love your mom. So like you like, we were in Florida and like an older couple, like a dignified looking American older couple. They were like, mommy. So it's everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's so fun. I know. It's so amazing that now you can just do this show in the world. I remember we used to ship out packages early in the show, stamps.com, type the microphone at the top of the homepage, type in mom. And, uh, when I used to do our packages, you know, send them out, and, um, it would be from everywhere, Estonia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's got a similar temperament too. He's like a, he's like a badass. He's a bad motherfucker. Oh dude, like, no one's gonna mess with that kid. No one's gonna kidnap that kid. Never. He would, he would fucking murder him. How old is he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's so young when you think about 18, and that's when you go out into the world, and what a dumb fuck you are at 18, like, but thank God I went to college, that holding period, you know, that holding, it's like a safe environment to explore things, thankfully. But man, but Juju looks just like him. Blue eyes, sweet little, sweet little cherub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my Christ, he's adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how hearts are good. I like chicken hearts, but I don't, my grandmother would put them in the soup. I like chicken hearts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, but is the gerbil, uh, meaty enough? Cause I think that's a small animal, so the meat would be kind of greasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe cut the head off. I would cut the head off so you don't have to see the eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a steakhouse is the best. I always pick the steakhouse cause it's gonna be good no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how they're wired though. My dad, remember my dad's friend Willie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, booze bag, drink every night, this Hungarian guy, wake up 6am the next day, play soccer, like nothing happened, and, you know, yea, he died early, but, he, he died at 20. He died at like, yea, it was like 60, maybe, 65. Yea, but there is something, but I must feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I stopped when I was 30, but I smoked for 17 years, and I just loved it. It smells good, it takes the anxiety away, it keeps you thin. It's really a great habit, aside from the, you know, the lung cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's interesting, but, uh, but then I have friends that their parents were famous and they never watched what their parents did, ever. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so your kids, are your kids interested in your work? No. Yeah, so like they might not even be interested in us, and I'm hoping that's the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the best. I was just telling him, like, we went to a party with regular people, trying to tell stories and stuff, and you're just like, look, I hang out with, like, professional storytellers. Like, you know what I mean? You're like, I can't. I can't. That sounds really mean, but it's just the truth. It's so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure what this is, this is this guy, he's made some interesting talks in the past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's so telling is that it's such a guy owning the girl dolls. Cause look, that one with the huge tits is bald. She looks like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that lady, uhm, burned her, her crotch trying to take the hair off of it. She put something like nair or something on her cooch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she didn't sit down with any trepidation, like, you know, you can tell when someone hesitates. Maybe that's going to happen. She didn't hesitate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, it's really not that monetizable yet. You can do lives, and they'll pay you to do lives, from what I understand, but at the moment, not that great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, there's a whole, there's like a few of these older women that will be like, I'm making a recipe, I'm showing you how to do, you know, turkey sandwiches, but their tits are jiggling and they're like, what? What are you talking about? This is a recipe, you know, like they play innocent, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think you like that one because it's informative. It's actually a pretty decent trick. I've never heard of that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are people that just offer advice on various things, like we learned how to lift a book properly from the shelf. You don't just grab it, you have to put your finger behind it and push it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when they do this stuff too. We hate it. It's so upsetting. And then like the, the, the under scratch, like you asshole. You know, you're just showing off. You just got lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I actually am a huge fan of yours. That's not true. I love you. You're fantastic. Well, we had some stuff going on. Family stuff. So, but I will. And I was excited to see you, that you had another special. Cause I do love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks Jean. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house and if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever, I don't remember ever being in a postcard or whatever. You don't remember being on a postcard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's playing words and she cut. You didn't realize he was playing with words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't. I spent a hundred dollars. And today I spent more. And today, you know, I divide it for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I tell you what I had a feeling. It is that this guy was paid and waiting for her because he knew that she was no way, no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my husband comes home, I said I'm going to bed with somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remember Dave when we were just married, that he will hug me. Now he gets hot. Yeaah, that's bullshit. So he's just 50 years later. Almost 50. Yea, but okay. He gets hot now. I never heard of him. His hot code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but when it happened to me when I was skiing, very poorly skiing and very starting, I remembered that the guy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally the guy realized that I couldn't stand up, so he said, I'll just carry out you. So he just carried me down, and very good looking guy, and I, all the girls were, how did you get that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because she can put it in her bird and spray it there and it will stop the smell. Otherwise it kills you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but I tell you one thing, the child of this, she got the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toilet paper. But what I mean is much thinner. That's right. The older ones. The older ones were thicker. No, thinner. No, they were thicker. They were like cartling, Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, it's like you will have a child with an animal. And you'll have a baby who looks like a rat. Oh. What? Well, I mean, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, tartar mean in, in, you know, that's tartar, that is raw meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember the guys when I was single, he said, would you like to go for a cup of coffee? And I said, no, thank you. Because I, you know, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he likes me, he wouldn't be asking for a cup of coffee. What would he ask for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, I would like to go out with you. Would you like to go to a movies maybe and dinner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He spent all his money from laundry and calving all that down. From laundry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I met her, I didn't know that. And one time, you know, she was working with me in the school, and somebody said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who are different or have some experience, you know, they wanted to talk about it. So somebody invited her. And everybody was shocked. Nobody realized that it was false.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you talk with your mom. Mom! What? What? When you talk with your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are right. You are right. You are absolutely right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So some people think that I've just been seasoning a fresh steak each time. I'd like you to have a look at what's happening to the fat there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just seasoning. You know it's been sitting out. So here's a good look of what's left over, uhm, which I will sample again next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got up to get some pie and I came back and somebody wrote on my card, I'm thankful for my big stupid tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but if you're running an online store, you know they can also be the craziest time of year. I love ShipStation because they have helped me save so much time and money on the items I need to ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you sell anything online, I don't need to tell you that shipping can be super frustrating. There are so many carriers and a ton of factors that go into figuring out the best rate for each order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ShipStation makes shipping the easy part of running your online store. You can get back to doing what you're passionate about, growing your business, easily import orders from every sales channel, whether it's Amazon, eBay, Etsy, or your own website and automate just about any shipping task.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make this holiday season a little brighter with ShipStation. Use my offer code YMH to get a 60 day free trial. Just enough time to handle the holiday rush. Just go to ShipStation.com. Click on the microphone at the top and enter code YMH. ShipStation. Make ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satva mattress company. You've heard me talk about them for years. Why? Because I love them. We've slept on Satva mattresses now for, oh, about a decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I believe in this product. Made in the United States. Organic cotton. Great, uh, quality product for a reasonable price. It started because we wanted a king size bed, and we didn't have any money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we looked at Saatva, S-A-A-T-V-A, that's the name of the brand. We sleep on the, now we sleep on the Solair, but we have the Lumenleaf in our house, and the luxury firm King Size Mattress. I have a guest right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slept on it last night and they're like, the mattress is incredible. I'm like, that's the power of Saatva. So, what you're gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're going to go to satva.com slash the shit right now for $220 off your next purchase at satva SAA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] T. V. A. That's the name of the company. Satva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Satva purchase. Do yourself a favor, man. Try it out. Try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. I can't get over how bad, uhm, Patty's Spanish is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's from Scotland, mate. It's a Scottish hat. Did I do that accent right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, uhm, short like titties. Short like titties? At a Scottish store and everything was Scottish inside of it, like biscuits and, and they had, you know, if your name is like, uh, O'Donnell or whatever and then they've got your family crest, people get real excited when they find their family name there and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause it's an island culture, really, and they're, they're just, I guess, five clans that fucked each other since, you know, five hundreds or whatever. They've been around forever. And really not a good looking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whereas us dirty, um, Slav, Hun, Tribie people, we mixed around with the different ones. You gotta mix it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? And foods, sometimes. English food, not very good either. Not very tasty. They don't like flavor. They resent flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like their music. I like their culture. I like their queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. She's not doing so well. Her health is failing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good question, I think he's like, I don't know, that's a really good question, I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll be the king of England, Mike. And here's the deal is that a lot of people are kind of nervous about him taking over. I'm so happy to be finally discussing this with somebody that wants to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charles will take over, and there's a lot of talk of him whittling down the monarchy, because the monarchy is not so popular these days, thanks to you-know-who, uh, over in America here. What's her name? Kite Middleton. No, no, Kate Middleton's a good one. What's the one? Megan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was just talking to her in-laws and all this stuff, so he's gonna whittle it down so there may not be as many people on the payroll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they make a lot of money from tourism. It is also an identity, a national identity, I think, for them. It's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I really wish she were on TikTok. She'd become an overnight success with that song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you can do with your vag. I knew a girl that had the ability to, but she had to sit back in the couch and then she would like open her legs and suck in air into her vag and then push it out. So maybe she was refueling. I doubt this is just one load of queef cause that's an awful lot of air to come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she looks young. Is this her parents' house that she's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I like the way the island boys look so much. I just wish their talent matched up to their looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't mind that Island Boy song. It's not, it's not terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, this weekend I'm at the Orlando Improv in Orlando, Florida. And then I go do, uh, Brea, January 14th through, what is that? No, I think 13th through 15th. And that's it. And then mommy shoots her big special in Jew dork titties. And then I'll come back and I'll start doing Cap City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for a couple of Wednesdays. And you know what? February and March, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's so funny you say that because in the shop I bought the stuff and it was all 420 and like, yeah, those kinds of vibes. How would I guess?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I wanted to bring you something back from the trip. That's really nice of you. Yeah. This one really spoke to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, those kind. You know, they came out to my shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the shoe. And that's a clean one. I thought the whole point was to get a dirty bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't want you to laugh and point because then you're shaming them. They want the shock. They want the shock. And the surprise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking gr- it's just dirt. It's just dirt. It's just dirt. It's not even on a per- it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so gay, but my 10 year old nephew had the best response. He wrote, my ass. And I was like, that's so funny. And his parents were all mad, like, oh, you know what I'm saying? And I was like, that's a perfectly reasonable response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got up to get some pie and I came back and somebody wrote on my card, I'm thankful for my big stupid tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't, right? Because people were kind of like, uhm, Tom? Like, let's set it up a little differently. Like, your father spoke, the children spoke, and then it was my turn, and your sister's turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And your sisters were crying and then it was my turn. And then I was going to start silly. And I thought, you know what? For once in my life, I'm just going to be a normal human being and speak from my heart. And then I started crying and then Tom was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, thankful for this designer jacket that I'm wearing, and my cars, and my tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is 100% true by the way, this is not a bit. Like I wish I had the paper now to show them as evidence. And I was like, oh god. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the best part though is when uhm, it was a very tearful moment and uhm, my little nephew runs up and goes, Ellis just said shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's like, oh you guys don't mind. I'm like, not really. It's not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, if you've listened to the show, uh, you know that I am obsessed with best fiends. If you ever see me on an airplane, that's what I'm doing. I'm playing best fiends. I love it. I'm on level 174. What? Don't mean to brag, but I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why I keep coming back. I'm into it because I like the storylines, I like the characters, I like how the levels go up, but it's not so crazy annoyingly challenging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, I don't wanna, uh, deal with it. So, I love Best Fiends. It has it all. It's got the storyline, the collectible fiends, and tons of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puzzles. I can't put it down. It's quite possibly the best puzzle game out there. I do like to. I love best being so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always a fresh challenge waiting for me when I need a mental pick me up. And the best part is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you don't have to be online to play the game, which is why I do it so frequently, uhm, on airplanes, cause you don't need to be on the wifi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download best fiends free today on the app store or Google play. That's friends without the R best fiends. You know, I will say, and I meant to send your sister, I meant to send your sister a thank you because she really hosted very well. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, no, keep in mind, your sister woke up what time that day, Thanksgiving morning, and she ran, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. Hers wasn't a dry pussy. It was, I hate that word, I'm not going to say it. It was a deliciously flavored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so, but that was really good. I'm real, I was real stoked about that. Um, I have some new information for you. I have some news interest. Um, I found this article online about this guy in India who was in a traffic accident and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They declared him dead, right? They put him in the morgue freezer for six hours. His sister-in-law goes to identify the body and she goes, this guy's warm. He's warm and breathing. There's the video of him in the freezer and he's alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shrekash Kumar was pronounced dead at the scene after he was struck by something. Anyway, they found that he was breathing the next day. Holy shit. I mean, can you even imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, it's a miracle. It's a miracle. Like no, it's, it's negligence. Somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is my worst nightmare. Don't you, please don't let them do that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I put it in my will that I'll allow you to stab my dead body? Cause it will give you joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the will. Um, yeaah. Isn't that crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the worst. So he was in a coma, he lived for five days, and then he passed of a, uh, you know, internal bleeding. But, you know, had they not thrown him into the freezer, they probably would have found the internal bleeding and he would have lived. So, I mean, talk about bad luck. But thank God, at least he was in a coma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Okay, 14 Fahrenheit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd be a little pissed. How pissed? So pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that how mad you get when they get your order wrong at Starbucks? Is that how you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would make you that mad though? I mean, is there much in life that would get me, that would get you that fired up? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also he was looking for the fight. You know, he was setting himself up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, there's chemicals or chemical imbalance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it always fucking broken? Like, I feel like I've been to McDonald's and almost every time they're like, yeah, the ice cream machine doesn't work. Like, this is your fucking one job, dude, besides all the other shit you serve, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's it? I'll come back for that drive-thru. The fuck do you think you're doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it makes your car smells like farts. Have you ever left McDonald's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your car, and then you come back and you're like, dude, who took a shit in my car? And then it smells like people's farts. It's gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, it's a very specific smell. That is so true. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garbage, yeaah, it smells like garbage. Uhm, speaking of eating, I think it's a really neat thing when the hotel you stay in. Uhm, you know, you're held captive essentially when you go to these cities. I don't, I don't know where to eat in Salt Lake City near my hotel. I don't know things. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda cool, you know, when you've been traveling all day and you pull in and you're like, oh, is, is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Restaurant open, and they're like, yes! And you get all excited, and then they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why are you- what are you doing to me? So, I'm supposed to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Learn how to do intermittent fasting because of you guys. Like I'm just supposed to not eat. I mean, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and then the, you know, the Mormons, obviously everything's closed on Sunday, so you're totally hostage to the hotel you're staying in, you know? I was like, okay, I guess I'm not eating right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Lady Gaga stayed there. That's like the best hotel in SLC's. SLUT. SLUT. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, it's fucking, but it's been happening a lot. I think cause of the Pandy, they can't keep things open a lot. It's like, well then don't fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the city, it's the city that never, never repeats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool fantasy we just did. That was kinda neat, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's happened almost every time I roll into a city. I'll roll in like two or three PM and I'm like, is there, is there food? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what's there, they cut off drinking it at four in the morning? Like don't they have a- Something like that, yea, super late. Not really, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Learning a language can feel very intimidating. When I first decided to give Spanish a shot, I was worried about the level of difficulty, the time commitment and having to hear my accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, when you say it out loud, it's so embarrassing. But thanks to Babbel, the number one selling language learning app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole process was addictively fun, fast and easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether you want to learn a new language for an upcoming trip or as an engaging new hobby, Babbel teaches bite-sized


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Language lessons for real world use. I love Babbel because they make language learning quick, easy and fun. This is why I love it. 15 minute lessons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's a great way to learn a new language. Other language learning apps use AI for their lesson plans, but Babbel lessons were created by over 100 language experts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to babble.com slash mom. That's babble.com slash mom for up to 65% off your subscription. Babble language for life. Now, speaking of social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so fucking upset. So TikTok suspended me for a week, right? This is like a month ago. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I got removed for harassment and bullying. Again, this is your second strike. Yesterday. This is my, well this is actually my third time that I've had a video removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think I can get, if I get like one more strike, they're gonna suspend me again. And like, there's no way, I don't even know how to protest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me set this up. I stitched this video. There is a guy right now in TikTok. He has a ginormous gummy. It's huge. It's like a rope of gummy. It's enormous, but it's shaped like a snake. And his whole thing is like, I'm going to lick it like it's a dick until it's all gone, mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he's doing is fucking offensive, cause there are kids on TikTok, like what are you doing dude? So I found this scary person's thing, and then I just tagged a dumb comment, and then, you know, like it's bullying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I said. It's not even like, and this asshole isn't banned, this asshole gets to stay on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, that's why he needs to teach a class, cause obviously he's got the skills to pick. And he likes it, and then I would take his class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I'm super fucking bummed. I'm, I'm just beside myself. Like, you know, I give my, my blood to this platform and you know, they will take away your account lickety split. There are so many people, so many great tech talkers that just overnight, they revoke your profile and you don't even know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her name. Help us out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so then, so Dogface420, right, that's his original account. And for some reason, he got taken off. And then, so what they do is they just recreate it all over again. But then you've lost like all the numbers that you had initially. It's not, it's fucking not cool. They do it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know what I'm saying? Like I'm not going to put my heart into TikTok anymore. I feel like I wanted to build my account, but I'm like, no, cause I don't trust them. I don't trust them. So I'm just going to stick to the gram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I might produce my TikToks on their platform, but then only share them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Well you were making some great talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well you and I feed off of each other creatively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the best part about TikTok is that I've spent 17 years, um, devoting myself to stand-up comedy and craft, writing jokes, delivering jokes, getting the timing perfectly, getting a Netflix special, getting those clips cut up, put on the internet. They don't get nearly as many views as me going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no dude, no thanks. And to like some hippie in a van. Literally, if you look on my, the water champ, two of mine got half a million, over half a million views and it's literally me going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now there's the fart in the jar. Okay, but yeah, like if you go, go down, I'll show you the one that's over like half a mil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, not that, that guy I make fun of. That one's over half a million too, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's the one, the glasses. This one is over half a million too. And it's so stupid. It's just this hippie guy saying, reasons you should consider commune living. You get to hang out with your friends and I was like, no dude. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 580,000 people. Meanwhile, the stand-up clip that I've actually give a shit about. I did this in 10 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? They're trying to suppress my female voice. That's what they're doing. They're ageist and sexist, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you got to enjoy these dick sucking clips while you can and really watch these fart shows and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, uhm, speaking of life-affirming, fuck it, why not things, I saw a man in the audience and short-linked titties, shout out to the gentleman in like the third or fourth row, I walk up, he puts his arm on the table and he has written on his forearm, F-G-T-R-T-D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, what do you do for a living? And he goes, well, I install air conditioners. I'm like, oh, that's okay. Then you can like cover that, you know, like let's go crazy though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see it. I wonder if there's ever been a time where comedians were revered like this. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw that. That's really nice. That's wild! It's a beautiful tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you know, when you think about it, who's the most influential voice right now? And it's Joe Rogan, a comedian, which is wild. And somebody tattooed the two of us on there. I saw that, like the habsies, that's a cool one. That's also insane. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting time, you guys. Yeah, this guy sent me a message too. I was like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think anybody did that for like, Bob Hope? Like, Bob!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good tattoo though. I'm honored. It's a very good likeness of both of you actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or like you, when you're just like, God damn it. I'll be like, what is it? What's happening? Is something real going on? And you're like, I can't find my keys. You know, it'll be something silly. Like I dropped my fork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cause I'm like, uhm, you know, we've had two dogs, right, together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fee foe and bitsy and Fee foe is a shelter dog, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beefo came from the streets. Beefo didn't know where his next meal was coming from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He spent a few nights outside. I'm FIFA. Bitsy grew up in a loving home. She doesn't worry about when the next treats come in. She just knows they'll come. So I'm the FIFA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just a fief, babe. That's my wiring. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have this bone now. That's so true. See, which is to our point of like, just use what you have today. Eat what you have today. Just give yourself the treat dude. Treat yourself homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are fine. You know, some guy at the club gave me, um, figurines of you where it's a magnet and you can dislocate your, take the arm off of you. And he thought I'd be stoked to have it. He's like, here you go. Here's another one. I was like, I don't want this. This is the worst day of my life. Like no thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuuck dude, I didn't know you could do that with your TV like that. Why'd that idiot put a lighter in there? Put a flashlight in there, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's scary, man. I'd like to smash a TV with a baseball bat. You can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, there's like breaking rooms or something. Yeah. I think we should do that for the, the Christmas party. Yeah. Like the YMH Christmas party. Yeah. Wouldn't that be kind of cool? Sure. Go break stuff. Very cool. Yeah. I like it a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've always wanted to drop a TV from like 10 stories too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen man, it's the holidays. You know what you need to get for the man in your life? Manscaped. Manscaped. Do him a favor. Do yourself a favor. And feel the wonderness, the cleanliness of manscaped. Listen, you want this for your husband. Listen to what they have. This is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll find, uh, the Lawn Mower Body Trimmer. This is in the Performance Package 4.0. Okay? This is what you're gonna get him. It's got, uh, the trimmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best trimmer on the market for his balls, back, chest, the list goes on and the Weed Whacker ear and nose hair trimmer. This could be great for your dad too. We all know those older guys got the ear and the nose hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's not forget their famous liquid formulations, the Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant, which is my personal favorite, and Crop Reviver Ball Toner to keep him smelling nice down there. Thank God Manscape, finally a company, uh, that's, that's working for us ladies to keep those nuts nice and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you hurry to their site to ensure these wild gifts show up before the holiday season


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While you're at it, get 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Get 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com slash mom. Cheers to rocking the best gift of all this season. A gift for him, but really it's a gift for you. XO XO manscape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this. Okay. Where do nuts come from? Cashews, almonds, uh, pine, palm nuts, palm, where do they come from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what kind of plants grow nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that nuts grow on trees? Trees!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, I thought too, I was like, okay, I know nuts are like, they're natural and stuff, but I've never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so when I was like, I was researching nuts for some reason, and I was like, holy shit dude, they- they grow on fucking trees, bro!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a fucking pine nut tree? Google like image search, I wanna see. Like I still don't know what they look- That's what they look like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, shit. But I didn't know that they grew on trees. Brazil nuts are the grossest, I hate those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I thought everybody knew this. Did you guys all know that in the booth? Do almonds grow on trees?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how did that one pass me by? I feel like I should have learned that in school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have guessed a bush. Like an almond bushel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was pretty cool. And then, um, Chase and I, Chase O'Donnell, my opener, the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so funny. She does all those dancing videos. I, I send her like crazy, crazy people dancing and then I make her redo it. So check them out on her Instagram, chase underscore O'Donnell on Instagram. But anyway, she and I started doing this new thing where we dare each other to say food items incorrectly to the waiter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once in the last six years of doing it and it was Omaha, Omaha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now what we're doing is finding a menu item and saying it incorrectly. And this one was salmon frittata. And I was like, okay, I dare you to say salmon frittarted and just see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was, she's like, okay, well, like she did it really well. She snuck it in. So at first I was like, does this, is this vegan? Uh, tell me about this avocado toast. Is that vegetarian? Okay. And then the salmon frittata and then, and the girl, like she didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm thinking you and I should start doing this game together, cause I feel like it could be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but trying to pass it off as you've done it innocently, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause salmon frittard, you could theoretically say that. Salmon frittar, frittarda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like a cappuccino, you could be like a cappapenis, cappapino, or something like say it wrong. That'd be super fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I just think that would be a fun new game to start. It's like, it is an extension of Hey Mommy, Thanks Jeans. Yeah, it is. A Crapuccino. A Salmon Fretarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. Similar, yea, like I could see that. And it's neat when game recognizes game. You know what I mean? Like out in the field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeah. That dog hates him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the most revealing peak into his life. I mean, that was really authentic. He didn't set that up. That came to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, he saw a like-minded buddy and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. He like cited his works. I mean, that's like you meeting a fan and being like, dude, completely normal. That's my jam. I love your bike spit. I also liked that deep cut white girls with cornrows. And you're just like, dude, you really are a fan. Like that guy legit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's the real question. Do you think that that kid knew him through your mom's house or a purist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I think so, it sounds like that, cause he's like, I love that clip where you do this, like he's on his YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like one time when I was pregnant with Ellis, I gained like 70 pounds because I was eating Carl's junior three times a week. And then on those off days in and out, like I was off days. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gained a lot of weight on that first pregnancy, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was in the Albertson supermarket by our house. And I was like eight months pregnant and I looked enormous. And the guy goes, are you pregnant with twins? Like a guy that works there. And I got so mad at him. I was like, don't fucking say that to a pregnant woman. Okay? I'm not. Okay? I'm not. And like I freaked out on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I didn't go back to that Albertsons ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's just because I had a bad day, and you know what I mean? But to get my shit revoked and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, look, there's always one of these guys, whenever you work in a public service industry, there's always a guy like that. And you just gotta keep kicking his ass out or beat the shit out of him until he goes away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what used to happen to guys like this before the internet. You know, I worked in bars as a cocktail waitress. Oh yea, you're a slut. I'm a slut. Yea. And uhm, I mean this is back before...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If people uploaded videos of themselves doing anything, right? Like I'd just gotten out of college. And like I feel like bouncers would just destroy people nightly like this. Like this school would never show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised Conald lived to 50 at least is what we know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, I'm 50. I've been doing this since I was 33. I thought, wow, that's, that's a decent run for a guy who's really putting himself out there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I believe so. J Rockefeller. Oh my gosh. Can I take a pitch real quick? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought it was a guy that was doing a really killer impression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't put it together that you told me is a deep fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not clearly, I thought it was just a guy, like, you know, uhm, an impressionist, we've known many in the comedy world for years, just some guy who maybe looked a lot like Tom Cruise, thought, oh I could make a living doing this, maybe I'll put on a prosthetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nail. Oh my god. See, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a, it's amazing and it also brings up so many questions, right? In the intellectual property world and identity and this is going to change forever. It makes you go like, how will


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you know Wan-Nun? Right? He does a lot of great depictions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, cause she and I have big eyes. Yea. We have deep eye pockets. I think that's why we work together well. There's so many great ones. Yea. There's a stupid woman. Oh yea, someone deep faked me as the woman with the crocodile that peed. Yea. Peed on her. That was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That raccoon licking water, have you seen that one? That's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, like, I ain't gonna get no vaccine. There it is. There she is. I mean, this is a prank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's this TikTok account where this, uhm, this black lady translates what WoeVicky is saying. Hilarious. So she's like, great, thank you, welcome to, uhm, what is WoeVicky saying this week? And some of them are so unintelligible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so true. And I look like, well, Vicky. Wait, can you Google, well, Vicky? I forget what she looks like in real life. Let me look at her. Do you remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look really detailed. I do, very well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 75 grand is what we're suing Garth? No, no, no, no. That's the amount of the damages?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's blaming your accident. What he's, the argument here is that due to the emotional distress of being born.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that it led to your accident because you were so psychologically damaged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we'll see what happens. Thank you, Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, I know you love confrontation, this was like a primo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always grown up calling it Kranz. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cri- Cran. Cran! Cran! Cran! That's all I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't think so. I think he said that he said it the wrong way, the way that you and Christina said it. Crayon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Touch my camera through the fence. Not sure how that will pull that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just about to get the underground from King's Cross Station and I thought, I might as well just check to see what's on the front of the lead service. And it's her!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I need to go to the mall. What do you have to, what do you, what do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's like having a little harem, isn't it? It is, it is like my own harem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to know this trick. When you go to a restaurant, you see that there's here in your food. Just don't return it. Put a bunch of salt on there. Then return it. When it comes back, you'll know if it's fresh or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pull dozens of bodies out of hotels and motels every year at my job as a medical legal death investigator. And the thing is, staying in a nicer hotel as opposed to a cheaper hotel isn't going to protect you from this any more than money is going to protect someone from dying. So what I try to do is basically


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find hotels that look like they're nice enough to have the money to spend on a good biohazard cleanup. That's free advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know what team's gonna win. Our team could lose. So we're invested in it because we don't know the outcome. Is a game as fun to watch when it's the next day and you've already heard that your team won or your team lost? A lot of times we don't even watch it. It's no longer fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big dicks are good for pictures but like, in my mouth, I feel like I'm gonna dislodge my jaw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and we're gonna start right over here on my left with, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bike pump in the kids room with a two liter bottle of coke and uhm, what we would see as a cork. Uhm, some items of interest here because uhm, what kids can do is they can put the cork in that bottle, use the bike pump to uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] fuel, uh, the bottle with air and what kids can actually do with this is smoke alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it is right, uhm, more or less hidden in plain sight on the night stand. Same thing with this watch, a seemingly, it takes off the watch, throws it on the night stand. Uhm, what it could actually be is, in this case it opens up, it can be a hide, and in this case this watch is a grinder, uhm, used for grinding marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The healthiest choice in it will also keep them up. Arizona iced tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what appears to be a can of sprite, uhm, but it is what we would refer to as a hide. You open up the can of sprite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there is a storage area right inside. Uhm, in this case we have rolling papers and uhm, mock marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, regular mints. Mints? Um, sprays, body sprays, air freshener that could be, um, used for masking odors within a teenager's bedroom. I did that, I did that. These types of cups kids will often use for a game called beer pong. What's that? So if you do this with ping pong balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this. That's a sign or symptom that your kid is, uh, drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YMH Live is back September 22nd from Austin, Texas. We are streaming worldwide. Go to livestream.ymhstudios.com and get your tickets now. Sometimes it's nice to hear another man tell a man you could be a prostitute. Like, hey, I don't know if you know this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey there, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House where you'll learn so much about what's going on in the world and news and all the hard-hitting important events and we're gonna break down what medicine you should be taking and how to get stronger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With me as always is my co-host, Christine.


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[Assistant] All right, not saying as much. And joining us from Austin, Texas is Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very upset about that. Uhm, as you know, and as the audience knows, I am what is known as a storm dad, and I get storm boners. So even hearing that there's a storm going on, I'm fully erect under this table. But, I'm sad that I'm missing it. Uhm, I would like to say also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you look really nice. Thank you. You dressed up.


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[Assistant] Really representing your part of the world. So that's uhm...


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[Assistant] It is. It is. It's really cool. Uhm, so you had quite the weekend. You did shows and you had to take multiple planes and you must be exhausted.


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[Assistant] Here's what I would do. How are you? When we wrap, lock those kids in their room and then go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had dribble, you know, I've had, you know, usually sometimes you can relax that muscle and you think, it always happens when you think, you're like, I'm in a rush. I think, you know, I want to go, you know, I gotta get all this pee out and push all this pee out. And then you drop your dick back into your pants and you got piss all over your leg. That's probably what happened to you. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll like this by the way, I told you this the other day, but I was putting the boys down. We watched something, we read a book, and then I sat on the, uh, the chair in the room there and I have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julien on my left, Alice on my right, and I go, hey boys, uh, tell me about your day, like tell me what you did today. And Alice goes, I farted out of my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his own thing. I was watching a video where the guy kept going, you gotta be shitting me. And then Julian was next to me, he goes, shitting me, shitting me, shitting me. I was like, alright, this is gonna start coming out of his mouth. Glad school's starting. That'll be a fun first day of school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, we flew, it's a 16 hour flight from Atlanta to Johannesburg and we...


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[Assistant] Christina actually on her own decided to have tacos.


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[Assistant] And then she sharded on the flight and had to throw her underwear away on the plane.


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[Assistant] No, no, I think you've already said full circle a few times and I get it. I get it.


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[Assistant] Yes it does. Comedy and prayer. Okay. You ready?


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[Assistant] Here we go. You're gonna like this opening clip. I know you're gonna like it.


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[Assistant] And I know that you liked his eyes. I know that you like eyes that go in different directions.


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[Assistant] And then he thinks about what he's gonna say and he's like, he doesn't know how to work it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well does he, he reminds me of a past super cool dude. Would you like to see who he reminds me of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just, uhm, I like, he's very direct, like the guy is, and he also is like, hey, hit me up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit me up on this one, text me on this one. Wild. Just wild shit, man.


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[Assistant] Tell me why though, as a woman, why isn't that, I mean seriously, why is that not appealing?


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[Assistant] Cause that's what I would do if I were out in the market right now. I'd be like, I mean, I like to eat it. I don't know. What's the problem? Why is that bad?


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[Assistant] Let's go ahead and make it clear again. You are seeing this in September of 2021. We're going to go ahead and make it clear to all of you listening and watching.


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[Assistant] Released eight seasons just now, at once. And we started to watch it, and you should check it out too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're gonna like it if you haven't seen it. So check it out. I'm captivated by the incest, the violence, the nudity, the language, the deception, the rage, the fighting, the sex, the stinky genitals. It's fantastic. I don't know if we ever talked about this show. I feel like I discovered it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, there's, there's, there's a lot. I mean, uhm, also, I wanna make sure I'm...


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[Assistant] I remind you, since you're back in Texas and I'm in California right now, just be sure, be sure.


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[Assistant] Make sure you watch out for him. Okay. And also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking love that guy. I've been thinking about that guy. I forgot about him for a minute and then I saw somebody, um, post about him and I was like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it is. Watch for Beezes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, oh yeaah, well we can say also since we were, we discovered Game of Thrones for everybody, it's on, it's on home box office max, uhm, if you haven't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do I like most? I mean, I like that the guy that was the king's hand, you know? He's kinda like the hero. He's pretty rad. He's great. But there's so many great storylines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also gave that speech where he's like, I'm gonna rape these women and I'm gonna fuck everybody up. That was cool. I did get kinda hard watching that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie, that guy is living the dream. Okay. Very cool guy. Uhm, we also, speaking of shows that people talk about, we got into Love Island, UK,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we started watching season one originally, and it was the straight up dog pound. It was like just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, and I wish we were cancelling this recording and just watching the storm.


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[Assistant] Uhm, straight up dogs were on that show, like.


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[Assistant] And I was like, God, when is the hot one gonna come out? It was just all these woo woo woo woo came out.


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[Assistant] Then you're like, you know, people really have been talking about season six. That's the season to go. Again, mostly stray dogs. And then...


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[Assistant] And they were like, hey, that girl right there is a right rocket. And they, their fucking English was so goddamn hard to understand. Like they were the absolute bottom feeders of the UK.


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[Assistant] That we had to put the fucking captions on. We put subtitling on. For English.


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[Assistant] And then even with that on, we were like, this is too mega-tarded to fucking get through. So we...


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[Assistant] The same language that we speak? Different. Yeah, it really is.


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[Assistant] Mistakes don't mean anything. Nobody cares. You don't care if one of them gets kicked off, you know? Also, they also have like, they're so resilient about not getting chosen. Like, no one's feelings got hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which would make you empathize more. Like, they're like, oh, he ditched you for her. And the girl's like, hm. And the girl's like, I don't want this guy. He's like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even care that you're not getting chosen. If you don't care, how can the viewer care?


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[Assistant] I guess we'll have to go to that fucking dumb shit Game of Thrones show. Keep watching that.


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[Assistant] We got seven seasons left. Can't believe they dropped them all at once. That's wild.


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[Assistant] Okay, now I'm ready to show you something that I think is gonna really tickle your tootsies.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I don't know what the fuck she's saying, okay? I just thought you would like it.


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[Assistant] You start saying that, everyone's like, is that your parents name? Dama? And you're like, no, that's what I call them. Why? Hmm. Because. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta send, we gotta send Unshine to any type of, like, council meeting. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, there's a hearing on this, uh, this new proposed city tax.