[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I bought it prepped for a purpose because it's soft. I want to like make noises when you're next to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told him that. No, you have to be sure not to take mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm excited to be chilling now and just hanging out until this baby comes. I got a month left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I start doing the road in December, December 8th at the Gramercy Theater in Jew Dork Kitays. And that's it for now until we add some more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I know who you are when you do that. Who? When you play air guitar. Yeah. You're the fucking dude from the Bruce Springsteen band. Yeah. Yeah. Who became an actor. Oh yeah, Lil Stevie. You're that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look just like him when you do it. Like you got the dad. Yeah. Yeah. I'm feeling that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate those people too and that's why we are married. Now there's some things we digress on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I have a hard time buying that cause he's a, he's like a millionaire. Millionaire? Three times over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like Bob Dylan either, just cause it doesn't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we've talked about this. There's a lot of stuff that people like that I hate. Most, most current music, I don't understand it. A lot of it's dog shit. I don't fucking get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time we're in the m- in the country club and they're pumping some shit through the- I'm like, what is this? Is this even real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You played that for me and I was like, this feels like Stevie Wonder. It feels, it feels familiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and she on Instagram posted a video, she was like, I just got to thank my baby for giving me this luscious hair and these big boobs, you know what I'm saying? Like she's, she really is all about it right now. And I agree, she and I are, you know, pregnancy besties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I love my hair too. My hair doesn't get that good, but anyway, it's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yellows, greens, orange, I don't believe in specific toys either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially starting around 6 months old, I ask for consent when I change their diaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that works, right? We're asking a two and a half year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The word yes, we hear the word yes a lot from a toddler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me consider the options. They're very rational, you know, creatures. Sure. So uhm, well that's one of the reasons I don't have baby showers. I don't believe in having that binary structure. Yeah. On gender. Makes a lot of sense. I want people giving me gender specific things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a role reversal. We're generally not that, uhm, forward about our sexual needs and desires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, when he's here, he thinks I'm being a little, is it sadistic when you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thinks that I'm laughing at his uncomfortability, and upon further specu- uh, uh, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She should give out her address like the guide does. Try it out, guy. She would get lots of responses. You gotta give out your address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the uh, the overt crazy is a deterrent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One nut. Yeah, but with her it's not one nut cause you know she's gonna blow up your phone, there's gonna be multiple texts, there's gonna be follow up calls, she might find your fucking home and stalk you and this bitch is too crazy. That's the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that 35,000 text girl. 65. Oh shit. Don't just leave 30,000 on the table. No, she's too cray. That's the problem. Yeah, maybe. Well, that's too bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, speaking of, uh, love affairs, particularly yours and mine, um, yesterday you came downstairs, you've been fighting this cold, getting over it, and in the morning we have some coffee before we pick up LJ from the crib, and you were horking and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm bringing up your phlegm in the kitchen as we were talking and drinking and I look over and I'm like, it's okay, alright, I held my tongue and then you got up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horking a loogie into our kitchen sink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still, it's somewhere that we wash our hands, we wash glasses, the kid plays in, like, not really an ideal place for horking like a sick loogie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I called it to your attention. I was like, do you think you could maybe not do that in the kitchen and do that in the bathroom? And I swear the look on your face was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Like, you were indig- like, righteous indignation. Like, I can't believe this bitch is telling me I can't hawk a loogie in my kitchen sink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you get up to pee and there's multiple farts, that's a morning pee, generally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, before that you had a paper towel that you would like, like a dirty paper towel you'd found on the kitchen table. And then that one you were spitting into. Oh, I forgot I blocked that one out. I almost vomited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost vomited, and I thought, surely he can't take this further, and that's when you got up and you spanked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, which is kinda normal for you, but then your choice of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cording me and getting me on board with the boner was to hawk and hawk and make these sounds and be disgusting. So like in your mind,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, oh I got this boner, I love my wife, to help me out with it. Like, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would. I just have a constant heartburn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Anyways, that was our sexy life yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the artwork, you know why you don't like it? Cause it looks like it's marketed to women. Cause they use a pink font, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she's a woman who is doing extraordinary things and it's interesting, but yeaah, they didn't market it correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean yeaah is about gambling, but it's more about our tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The entire, there was one scene where they covered them up and I thought, I wonder why they're covering them up now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Cause he does bring it up once her attorney is like, you may want to dress down for court. Like you're not dressed for court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heterosexual. I didn't- I normally don't- I'm not fascinated by tits the whole- I was like in rapture looking at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we pull up some photographs so people watching can see what you're talking about? First of all, she's very beautiful. She's very made up in this film. I think every single scene she's got full hair, full makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's super, super made up and every dress is like a titty showcase dress. Uhm, yeah, even court she's wearing like a titty. Yeah, see there's her tits there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The real girl. Oh, that's Molly, and she's got big tits too. So the thing is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If when you put them in a bra, they mash together, okay, that, that like fat lady cleavage where the tits are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fakers separate. They're apart. There's a big cavern between the two. Now, it could just be her bra. See, I can't tell cause they're always... Those look like real hangers to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got the side spillage here. That looks like real tit meat. Cause my tit meat will do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause fake tits, you'll kind of see the bag, like they're hard and you'll see those fall real. See how they're mushed together in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some bitches are lucky they have kids their tits popped right back. Yeah. Not mine. Mine are the state droopers for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's the outfit she wears in court, and then they're real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting analysis, Tom. But here's the thing, so I texted, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fan of ours, he works as a stylist. He styles all these celebrities, you know? I said, do you know Jessica Chastain? You work with her. He goes, I don't style her. I asked him, do you think those tits are real? He goes, oh yeah, yeah, those are real. I've seen her before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's a gay guy so gay guys, they know this stuff. They really know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she 40, she got tits like that. Ain't got no kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. I've been hitting the head with a, while playing doubles tennis, my partner was serving and she served the ball right into my head, the back of my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that sounds fucking boring. I hope our kid doesn't play t-ball. That sounds like the most boring shit to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What can we get them into that involves indoors, air conditioning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I wanna be able to be comfortable in the warmer months here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. That's air conditioned. Comfortable seating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choose what you want. And no traveling. I don't want to have to get on airplanes on the weekends to take him to games in other states and places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, it's an outdoor sport. And also I don't want to have to bring snacks for the entire team or be involved in any way. What kind of sports do they have for that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Soccer, soccer's okay, right? He can't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's not going to play soccer because he's going to have your built and your stature and your body. You're not built for soccer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top dog? He called you from the toilet the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a lot of times actors are looking for monologues to perform for class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, who knew that that one video would spawn so much creative material. So much! Song and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your teeth are way too white in that animation. Okay. Uh, the stuttering, I love when they get the frantic sputtering and the, you know, moving, hot, white trash, calm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's interesting about Drew's last appearance, uhm, well there's a few things, but also that the mental illness and the drug use, it's hard to tell which is which. Yeah. Which was kind of a revelation, like, oh, is it math or is it just he's mentally ill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're such a great performer. You're always a great, like I, you're always great on stage when I see you, like I'll pop into the store and I'll see you doing, but on television too, like you've done these sitcoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm always blown away, A, you look great on camera and B, you can deliver sometimes these jokes that like are not technically hard jokes and they're funny and you're funny. Like how fucking hard is that? Cause I took a sitcom acting class recently and it's really hard. It's not easy to do sitcom acting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing I don't like is that cause it ends up on the internet and you look like shit for a minute, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and Burt will like invite people back to his hotel bar. Yeah, I'm at the Hyatt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let me just think, I'm trying to think from the perspective of the audience member who's like, hey my friends don't like you. I think they're trying to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just want you to know, I'm going against all odds here. Like, I'm kind of telling my friends to go fuck themselves, that's how much I'm going to bat for you, you're my guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say I bet Chris gets it more because he's, you're, to me it seems like a lot of like young girls like you cause you, you know what I'm saying, like your demo is maybe like cuter, hotter, not like Tom who's a savage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm imagining that you have these like cute girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying you wouldn't F that girl we just saw? That girl? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, I was this close to getting an offer to do Olivia cruises, the lesbian one. Oh really? This is like, this is when we were Olivia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, because that resolution to stop eating Taco Bell, I too had it in Wisconsin after shows in 2011. I drank, um, three glasses of red wine and Taco Bell was the only thing open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they added the sixth person, and you know who it fuckin' is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he crushes like that too, where there's nothing, no, you can't follow Brad Williams. There's no following that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he can go fuck himself, cause I don't think this is a fucking talent either. I'll fuck off with this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your drunk grandpa at Christmas. It's not a fucking skill. Look at this asshole smile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the internet model, okay, beauty is an innate thing, you're blessed with it. It's useless though, just like that one's useless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But can I tell you, I feel like he's more talented than that fucking- I like this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this guy's got rhythm, this guy's got charisma, this guy's got an angle, the other guy I feel like is a hoodwink, I feel like he's bamboozling me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Dr. Drew says it's a lot of trauma. He's got a lot of trauma and he's kind of, you know, dealing with it. But you're right. It's the hard, it's the hard wiring with the trauma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're, you're paralyzed with fear, are you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This used to be Bovicki. A sweet and innocent child. Kind of awkward looking in the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This gentleman is a priest, and I just had a really good time. Take care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I got back from dropping our kit off and there was none there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, you wanna- God. I should tell the story then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina proposed that uhm, we kill our dog. Bitsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's more than other dogs have been. I mean, dogs get diarrhea, but it's usually not that frequently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Kilner will definitely do away with the problem, like you're saying, or letting her into the hills. Little 14 pound Brussels Graffon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of you are probably watching or noticing my Mickey Mouse shirt. Uhm, Shit is real. And I do it because my son has taken to loving Mickey Mouse. And it's a way to bait him into affection. So I bought a bunch of Mickey Mouse shirts. And this is why when I walk around the corner for the first time in the day, he's like, huh! And he's like, Mickey! And I go, yeah, yeah, of course. Of course. He gets all excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. Did you like the clip? That was it. That was it. Glad you liked it. Alright, let's try that again. Try it out. Try it out. Try it out. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's a good heads up, I wish I could, I wish I had like a, these things right here make me think don't necessarily just eat a stranger's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if without this I would have been like, you should, but now I feel like- You should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not just hand it out for sure, but I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, if she, you know, if she looked like she didn't have those then, then yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I want to know? I mean, I can just, I don't have any STDs. I wonder how, I wonder how, I know it's quite common to have a lot of these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a friend who told me once, I remember this, cause I remember how upset he got. He hooked up with somebody that we knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then after they were done, she was like, I gotta tell you something. And he was like, what? He goes, I have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone has it. She goes, well a lot of people have it. And he's like, why didn't you say it before we did it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet a lot of people don't. That's how things get spread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't setting a time feel like a little bit of a mood killer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean she's like set a time, like fake, like I wanna eat your ass, cool, we'll do it at seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And judgment. Your brain is like, yeah, go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean it's the biggest fucking seducer of- Thrill? Yea. Of course. What do you mean? If you don't have the taste, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't necessarily want it super tangy, but, ugh. You just wanna, why can't you just have like a clean ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll trim it too. And then you can just do what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a good, that's actually a good tactic. You see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's saying blow towards it, and then as you blow towards it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your air will hit the asshole, some of that air will come back, and if there's a scent to it, it's gonna hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the worst was the dental dam. And she was like, hey, like imagine you're like, I'm gonna eat that ass. And they're like, hold on, let me get this dental dam out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure. I'll look it up later to confirm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's right about that. That's a good tactic. Okay. Blow a little air towards it and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what she should have talked about? The uh, the squat and sit. Where like, you lay on your back and then a guy steps over your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Squats down, puts his mouth, er, puts his ass directly in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, the McAfee, the... Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A whole other level. Speaking of browning, uhm, a lot of people, a lot of people weighing in on the poop pile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That to me is different than the poo pile, which was just like a, I don't know, almost like a spiritual event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Luckily for you, for me, for all of our listeners, I was able to spend time this weekend with somebody I lived with during the poo pile era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I brought it to his attention. You mentioned to me, like bring it to his attention. So I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Case, uhm, there's been a lot of controversy lately about whether the poop pile is real, and as somebody who lived with me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that time, can you comment on to as to whether it was real or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what about the accusation that it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As guys of that age in college, there's no way we would do that because it would deter, you know, girls from coming over because we were trying to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think, I mean, logistically I was trying to explain, you know, the kind


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. Thanks for verifying this stuff. Poop Pal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause you could lay a ladder against the tree as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in North Carolina. It's in North Carolina. That's where I lived. Where else would it be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure when they heard stories about it, they wanted to see what was up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, somebody wanted me to bring up your moose. Is this your?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. Uhm, good job Austin. Uh, before I forget, I forgot to put it on our show last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only online I posted it and it still blew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it also says like, have you not listened to this podcast? Try it out. Give it a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're right, and I also realized that there was parts of, uh, what he was saying that I was glassing over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should do a quick pause. Our friend Wheeler Walker Jr. is coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back. We, uh, of course you don't know, I like how I act like time has passed to them. Uhm, but we are rejoined by our friend of the show who's been here before, Mr. Wheeler Walker Jr. Thanks for coming. What's up guys, thanks for having me, Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much, yeah. It's a weekend, a weekend gig. Yeah. Which, uh, fuck, that's what makes it tolerable. Really? Yeah. Will yours be like week after week after week or will it be like breaks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how much they're gonna pop off? And also, the coolest thing will be people, there's gonna be people for sure at the show who are like, oh, like, who's his opening act? Who's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, when they hear the Pussy King, uhm, I don't know, I think you're gonna win a lot of new fans on this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd be going nuts if I was at a show and I didn't know who you were and I heard these songs, I would be the guy who's like, I'd be buying your album in the fucking, in the audience, that right then and there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was one of her ways of bringing it up, yea. Explain to me what a dental dam is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crushing box on the road. You're a musician. You have all these songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are sexual in nature. Is it everything you dreamed of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Music's gotta be different. I mean, stand-up, it really, you know, there are comedians who their act is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, it's an attempt to get laid. So their whole thing is, I mean it's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, get a picture. She's like, no, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I hear it a lot, uhm, he's been dying to see you, and I go, thanks. And she's like, yeah, yeah, no, he was really excited tonight, and he really laughed. She tells me like it's a report, like making sure I know that she was not in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing those songs that you, that you have, like in those venues is gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get drunk. Yeah, cause I'm trying to thank you. I have your, I have your latest album. I have Old Wheeler on my phone. Man, finger up my butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess Summers in Kentucky would be, what, too slow to play on something like that, right? To open?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, in your music, in your really talented songwriter, singer, great on the guitar, do you ever scat? Do you ever...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been getting into it uhm, trying to figure out whether it requires skill or if any two year old is capable of skill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oops, uhm, yeaah, so anyways, you know, we, we mocked somebody that did it on our show, and then most people were into it, but then we got a few pushbacks about, uhm, you know, how talented this person was, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You understand what he's advising, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in scouting you might be like, I don't know. The guy that's been doing it in a week is pretty fucking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it just, uh, yeah, it seems kind of like an insane thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then there was the... But then he fucked it up by singing words in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was the I'm the Scatman song. How does that work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would kinda, you know it would start like there, people would be like, huh? And then once it hit maybe like minute,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always, you know, I have zero musical skill and when I would do-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can scat, but when I would do very basic stuff, you know, years ago, like learn these four keys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like having my mom at shows, cause, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't sing, obviously, but. Has she come to shows? She's come to shows and usually she'll, it's some version of, uh, that was great, um, and then at some point she'll be like, why do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this Kid Rock thing? Is that a person, like, does he call you? Or is that just like, your agent talked to his?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty nuts man. Uhm, so this is a, I don't know, this is an anti-drinking? What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anti-drinking ad from New Zealand, okay? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet, but let's see what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like sissy. Well, you know what would be interesting is to get Wheeler's reaction on those videos from last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good scream. So, so that's one. Verified funny. Uhm, this is a, another


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't jump that far, I mean that's an uncomfortable jump for sure, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a military exercise, a bunch of guys jump out of a plane, and this guy's parachute is open, but apparently it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Not 100% the way it's supposed to be, okay? Okay. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The segment is actually supposed to be called Horrible or Hilarious, and you're two for two that they're hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, somebody, I don't know, is very, uh, expressive about pronouncing my name correctly. I've never heard somebody like this before. I don't know what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say my name, yeaah. I would appreciate if more of you said it like Josh did. Correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the next day, like I didn't see most of them after the show, but I see them the next day on set. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know what happens? People claim you, uhm, who enjoy you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that San Francisco? Yeah, it's near there. It's massive. I feel like there's something else. I've done the shoreline. It's really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would turn it down 100% across the board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Fultron has that great story about opening from, uh, her, uh, Brendan Flowers from The Killers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but isn't that, it's a, it's downtown area? Yeah. I think it, and they have an adjoining other venue? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is a, have you ever heard of the pink preacher? No. This is a guy, I guess he, I don't know, I'll just, I'll let you see what he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uhm, it's also, that's a, such a indicator when somebody says like great to see you or something and you start laughing. Like what are you laughing at man? Why are you laughing at that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I guess, somewhat reminiscent of people you see on Hollywood Boulevard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like there's people who went to high school with him who are just like, oh Ronnie was a piece of shit. Like they're watching this right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you remember the guy that made obviously the prank call with your voice? So we had a listener make a call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Using Christina's voice. Her actual voice. Her actual recordings of her call a sex line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And talk to the sex operator that she was into scat play, like not singing, but shitting. It was fantastic. And even, um, when they had Christina go too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like, said something about Hitler and the sex operator was like, that's a little too much for me. And like, it was really, really well done. Now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are having, uh, I guess this is a call that they used me, my voice, I think Ari, Joe, and maybe Bert, but I haven't heard it. I just know that this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy's just doing it. This guy's fucking in the background. Jesus. It's really intense. There's one last clip, I have to, we owe him the respect to play the last clip. Well, how does it end? Who knows? Let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know, it doesn't even say the name here, but you really are a master of these. Jesus. Really, really impressed. Thank you for doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I never did it. I never called. I think I was probably more terrified of, of, uh, getting in trouble. Yeah. Did you do much prank calling though? We did some prank calling. I remember one time, you know, in the, in the sort of the same way, uh, we would prank call


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. When this girl told me, this is like fifth grade, man, she was like, I know you called me and I was like, I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call? Cause we'd called, obviously. And I don't know how, it's like they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back then, it was like, you have to ask the operator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, yeah, I don't know. It definitely, the game changed for sure when, uh, when it became everybody has caller ID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uhm, you know I have a, I've had a bunch of bets, challenges with Bert Kreischer, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, trying man. Uhm, I work out four or five days a week. Trying to eat dog shit all the time, but this is a dog shit eating challenge. So, you know, donut holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna see who can eat more in 12 minutes. Who's, who's we? Bert and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why we set a time limit. It's about how many can you eat in a time limit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I saw him yesterday, uhm, on Instagram, on his stories. He was at the airport and he stopped by a Krispy Kreme and he kept posting himself eating different donuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta say, the more I've talked to people about it, the more I realize how formidable an opponent for eating Bert is. Everyone has been saying, I bet that dude can crush some donuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's going to be less dense than the chocolate, but for some reason the chocolate donut holds


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've never, you know, people have told me, you, friends, men, uh, you eat fast. And then I've only been in awe of him. I've never even come close to his pace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, picking the number seems really scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's a difference between going for, there's a difference between going for one minute and going for, uh, you can, at this point, just do whatever you need to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful. Uh, will that be, you think that'll be a live one to play at the amphitheater tour or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome, man. I'm really happy for you. Congrats on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Wheeler Walker Jr., if you don't have, uh, Old Wheeler, uh, the latest album, it's fantastic. You can catch him on tour, uhm, later this year, opening for Crid Rock on a major amphitheater tour. And you have the, the Wheeler Podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, thanks for coming, uh, yourmomshousepodcast.com. Don't forget you can get tickets to see us live, ChristinaPOnline.com, TomSegura.com, and follow Wheeler Walker Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks brother. Thanks as always. Uhm, this is, uh, Right Now by DJ Right Now. Uh, thanks for, uh, for listening. Bye guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, this week, Calusa Casino, February 23rd, one night only, one show only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and then, uh, March 30th and 31st, uh, Hiram Comedy Crub in Portland. Tickets are moving really fast, so if you guys wanna go get those tickets now, bros, and then I'm adding some other stuff, I'll be announcing it very soon. Music's really loud. I had to scream over that, geez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you know what's funny about these broads? I feel like there's every few cycles of life. It's like it's this thing where every now and then some fucking dumb bitch thinks that she's figured out that the semen cure, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But every now and then it's like some stupid bitch gets cum on her face and she's like, it's so soft. I mean, people have been doing the semen stuff where-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause some guy shot a load on your tits and now you think it's medicinal? Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Well, I mean, there's books written with recipes, natural harvest. We've covered that book in the early days of your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seamen recipes, semen drinks, uh, we've invented KumGum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, like I said too, we've also built an industry on it. Uh, KumGum, remember that when we, we wanted the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also the QVC lady really took a shine to it. What's her name? She's like, I can see this cum gum in every house in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I remember reading a Vice article on this a decade ago, whether or not uhm, the com stuff, it works as a moisturizer or actually has nutritional value. The answer is no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and, you know, it's a placebo thing. These women think that they're, you know, doing something big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's another one that's like, I'm empowering myself. Some guy didn't jizz on me. I let him. I wanted it. It's so foul. It's so nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think my body fluids are gross. Like, there's nothing I cherish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I would remember her stupid fuckin', what's her, on her tattoo, a cactus? On her belly? Look how stupid, I would remember that stupid as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like she just started having sex, so she's like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to mail her? She's obviously in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it us, the Australian or New Zealand? Well, do you want to seal it in a jar and then send it across the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what if she's like, she uses your sperm to get impregnated. Oh yeaah. Nice thing you know, she's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was co- comedian Tom Sagiria. His controversial news special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, we've been, uh, I wanna get to our topics before our guest shows up. Okay. You know, just catch people up on what's been happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck are you talking about, dummy? Stop it, that's her friend's jizz. Ugh, and it's all cold and it's been sitting around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even somebody you fucking love, you idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uh, we've officially turned into our parents. We started watching the Olympics. Which I feel like is something your parents did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember like back when there was five channels and that was like the biggest programming? Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, you and I realized just how sexist we both were. We were watching these snowboarders do all these crazy tricks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I was like, I thought the Olympics were just a bunch of French guys skiing. How boring is that? So I never watched it. Now these fools are doing, you know, half pipe whatever that, you know, it looks like they're skateboarding but on snowboards. And they're chicks, man!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And both of us are like, we're a thousand years old that we didn't know that, eh, and that we're amazed that it's like 17 year old girls doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. She's like, I'm a ball hog. I'm Cresty McLick, Cresty McLickerson and I'm a ball hog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. I'm following him on Instagram and he's taking all the pics with all the cute blonde skier bitches and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were watching, they don't call it figure skating anymore, it's called ice dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know when that fucking lame shit happened. Look at that shit. Yeah, so we were watching this as it aired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the back did break because it was around her neck. So what happened was these Frenchies, they were, they were ice dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her costume came down, cause it wasn't latched on properly around her neck. And I guess her titty popped out. I didn't even see that. We watched it live. But I knew, uh, bless Eugene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, but they did a great skate despite that. Do you think he's gay? A great skate. Do you think he's gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm telling you, you know, when you're performing at a high stakes thing like this, you make sure everything is sewn onto you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Course. They should have sewn that. I don't know why someone didn't really make sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really dark. He's totally straight. Totally straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incredible. Ice dancing. Can we start ice dancing, you and I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love, okay, here's my proposal. You, Ari, Joe, Bert, next challenge, figure skating. I'm sorry, ice dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want all you guys to learn how to sow cow and twizzle. I want to see you guys and leotards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, just to, yeah right, to compete or whatever, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I've been hearing that on us. I didn't know that. Christine Moosa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We called that though, you and I called this because she has total contempt for him every time he fucking opens his mouth on that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he adores her, but you can tell, so I know he, she fucking hates him, cause every time he tries to be funny and cute on the show, like he acts like a little boy and you can see she, the contempt in her, she hates his sense of humor and hates that he's childish and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he'll like, you know, throw a hammer through a wall and be like, uh, and just, you see them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, shut up. You know what? I hate people like that. Like, you've got your fucking gravy train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make your money, bitch. Do the show until they stop paying you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, am I right? You're lucky that you're on a show that they must make a good living now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you. Okay, walk away from it, you dumb dumb. That's stupidity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so stupid. Do the show until the fucking, no one wants to see you doing the stupid show. Right, babe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, you and I had a very in depth discussion the other day at the breakfast table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you actually really enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't enjoy them as much as you do. I don't really, to me it's just relief of suffering. Like when I take a shit, it's just, it's only relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, relief and joy are two different feelings for me. Relief is like, oh god, I'm not hurting anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like body functions are just an unwelcome interruption into whatever I'm doing. My body is a hindrance to everything I want to be doing in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the thing is, I like burps. I feel like burps are fun. They create joy for other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I'm telling you that I, I just get through it so that I can get onto the next thing. Like I'm not even, I'm thinking about how that sneeze just inconvenienced, it took a second out of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're loud and they interrupt things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, I guess, I guess what you and I have different, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like you really savor a sneeze or you savor the shit. And I just don't, to me those are two things that I just want to get over with so that I can move on to the next. But a burp is kind of welcomed because it's fun, everyone's gonna like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna make my, you know, it'll upset my mom, like those kind of thoughts, it's good feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that's, but that's the difference for me, I think the relief association, cause I'm in, you're in torture and then I don't find relief to be the same as the joy of a burp. Cause a burp is there's, you know, it's just fun. It's frivolous. Just like a fart. A fart's just for, it's just there to say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like some hygiene things. I do like cleaning my ears and I do like picking my nose a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I just feel like you're, but I'm saying that your level of enjoyment is higher than mine. I express the enjoyment more. Yeah, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, babe, I don't feel a lot of things. We know this. This is why we're comedians. Not, I don't, I don't feel or take joy. No, but joy is a feeling. I'm not comfortable with feelings. You know that. I've been in therapy for 10 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, that's not ever gonna happen. I don't, I don't have the same sensitivity to things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I were awake and some punk ass kids were in there as my pussy was getting operated on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's bad enough when you give birth and I was pushing my son out, uh, Ellis and they had a shift change. So like four nurses changed as I was pushing out my son. So eight people get to see my post right now. Blasted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but that's, but that's just, uh, I mean that, sorry, but that, that also kind of whatever speaks to the authenticity of foreign accents. I guess. They can pick up the grammatical. But you're gonna pick up colloquialisms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I wonder to native speakers, whatever, does it sound proper? Like is her accent good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because I remember that TV show, do you remember the young ones? I don't know if you ever saw them. They used to make fun of that, Vivian, blah blah. Some guy would always do it, like it was a posh thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just thought of a great would you rather for uh, Johnny. What's that? Okay, would you rather?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to talk like that to your wife, to when you go on stage to do your act. Everything is in that. In life. In life. All of life. And you can't tell people why. Cause it's a would you rather. Or would you rather shout everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I hate is people that take cell phone conversations on speakerphone, uh, like in the airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's talking shit to him. He's like, you're not shit. And it's either about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't, maybe he can't drink enough, he's a pussy with drinking or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's a thing. Did you know in Canada, Trudeau changed their national anthem to be non-gender specific?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it's bothering people more that he just went ahead and changed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, see I knew that was gonna happen, but then you're like, maybe it won't. Maybe it won't work. So it's nice to see it work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like in Hungary, the communists built an amusement park there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. And you know, I've actually forgotten the word chink. I don't even think of it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would they air it? That's the silly, was it live or something? Couldn't they have controlled that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I wouldn't, yeaah. NBA champ fans, NBA ching chongs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He seems awfully young to throw out chink, you know what I'm saying? It does feel like an old timey. That's a grandpa word. Yeaah, like it's such an old, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his sister, they had three dogs, cause two or four is unlucky. Wow, there you go. Three dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cute. M.O.S. Those are movie sayings for people not in the business. Can you play that video we watched before Johnny came, uh, that kid in the center of the city?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this cause I feel like it's somewhere like in Brussels or something. Belgium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I knew a girl that could queef on command. Uh, I knew a kid that could burp


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When there's a woman that can do it, she's exceptional. There was a girl in my high school that could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His burps aren't as good as his farts. No, his farts are legendary. That's where his talent is. Yea, I'm from Brooklyn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it's an inexact science, obviously there's a margin of error here, because of what about my force, what about my pushing down, and you know, it's an imperfect science, so I think we got kind of an estimate here on what these hangers weigh. Johnny, take a look, what do you think? Is your wife big chested or small?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean look, it's very difficult to gauge what each one individually- Okay, okay, so what's the- Just give me a cumulative. What do you think both of these honkers together? What am I carrying on my chest all the time? What is- what was your initial guess before, like way back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right, but before you said about 15, and I guessed about, it feels about 10 to 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now, as is common with most women, my boobs are not perfectly symmetrical. One is bigger than the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please get it out. I don't want these people seeing my sloppers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, is that the scale, you know, fluctuated, but I'm kind of just rounding. I feel as though it's inaccurate enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but listen, here's the thing. What's the difference between, it's not gonna fluctuate between two and five pounds if I'm sitting or standing. I feel as though this is an accurate approximation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is actually true because this one is an entire cup size larger. Always, my whole life. So I've had to get a cup size smaller to go for both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well yeaah, now it's getting full of milky and stuff too, the milk ducts, cause of the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think five is about right, cause there was this video people sent us about animals and how much the animal weighs in comparison to the breast and, uh, it seems about right. Cause my, my tit size is like two chickens, is what this video said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot of weight to carry around. I gotta get these fuckers reduced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DJ Dadmouth. That's correct. Water Champion. Good to see you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like a good weekend to me. See? We did, and guess where I did it? North Carolina. Oh yea, I mean, I never heard of it, but if you said let's do it now, I'd put the microphone down, I'd go do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've done it a few times. I'm going back there, uhm, uh, soon. I told you before we started recording, I'm, I'm, I'm touring with Kid Rock in the fall and I think we're doing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it'll be a total of three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Wow. It's a long tour, but it's, uh, it's gonna be fun, man, cause, I mean, that's why I give, um, I'm giving him some credit, cause, you know, when I, you know, I was in, you know, making the first record I'm playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, totally. There's gonna be people who get there early just who wanna get, you know, situated with their fucking hot dog and their parents and they're gonna hear me saying like, what the fuck is going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, I, I got a girlfriend, so. Oh. It's not, it, it, it, uhm, I'll be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over a year, I mean, it's, and it's actually real, like I was talking about, it's nice to, you know, to not have to deal with these, like, fucking road skanks and walking backstage and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think they're- Not that you said that, but I'm just saying like it- No. It annoys me when people say like, like that's a lot of work to get late to record, right? Wait, did your girlfriend-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to be mutual friends. She, I mean, she, she loves what I do. We, we get along. I mean, we haven't any problems with that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my thing is, there's a lot of couples there in law, you know, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same thing, but then he gets a picture and she's like, you know, this is my birthday gift to him, you know. I did it as a favor, I don't need shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I get that question a lot too, like, how do I convince my girlfriend or wife or whatever to get her to go to a show with me? I'm like, I don't know, she's not into it, you know. She doesn't like it, yea. Go do something else, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Geez. What kind of venues are you doing, you know? I think it's, I think it's amphitheaters. Fuck. Yeah, it'll be big, big places. It's got other guy, Bradley Gilbert, who's really big, he's playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm excited for the Kid Rock fans who don't know who I am to hear finger on my butt and that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, to try to, um, play it on here before, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that'll get some, hopefully get a couple of lighters, even though it'll probably be a little lighter outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, are there people who pay- wait, are there people who pay to go see people scat? Yeah, there's like scat performers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't wanna spend the time on learning guitar, mandolin, piano, whatever. Or bass. I'm just gonna stand up against the wall and just start fuckin' babbling. Also, I can't remember lyrics. Remembering lyrics is tough too. If you just scat, it's just like easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean half their life has probably proven that they're a musician, so it's just like, it's like, I've never, I don't know anything, I've never heard of a sketch show or, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I pro-, I mean it took me, I will say there's a, cause everyone asks that, there's a learning, there's like a learning curve definitely. It's like, the first week you're just like, fuck this, I don't wanna play. Yeah. And then there's just a, there's a time, maybe a few months in where it just like, starts to feel normal. Uh huh. And then not, then you get to a point where you just pick, you know.


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[Assistant] I think she was all around, she could have been into scat, definitely.


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[Assistant] A great way to... You know, if you took, if the great grace gets put clapton next to a guy who just picked up a guitar, you know it was good.


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[Assistant] I feel like he's got the vibe he thinks it's like some new form of jazz, you know, it's like jazz, it's like the millennial version of fucking jazz.


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[Assistant] What's the song where David Lee Ross is like, bap, diddy bap. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] That's right. Right? He's in there scatting. That's breaking the rules.


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[Assistant] So it's just like whatever, like if you had a 10 song album, it'd just be whatever 10 pieces of shit you threw out there, you know?


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[Assistant] If you two scatted, you could open every fucking show you wanted to. I'll sit down with Kid Rock and say, I know openers can't have openers, but I got these two. I gotta get these guys to at least scat for a minute.


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[Assistant] When I get ready for a tour, like my main thing, everyone has to get their voice ready or whatever it is, my main thing


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[Assistant] I mean, I probably do scat every once in a while. Really? Learning your own lyrics? Learning my own lyrics is fucking hard because...


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[Assistant] Because of the way I write is like, you know, because people have to, you know, my man has to sing harmony with me. So if I sing a wrong line, they got the wrong line. So it's like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't really sing that much until, I had the guitar down pretty good because I was too shy about singing when I first started. But yeah, I had the guitar down good enough so I would, I actually was, when I was a kid, you know, first time.


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[Assistant] I knew it, but I was too scared to really, you know, growing up with a bunch of big family. I was too shy to kind of belt it out. You have siblings? Yea, two brothers.


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[Assistant] One of the oddest things I've ever done, I think she was for the first record she came up to the show. And I'm, obviously you play, no matter what, you're just your eyes. Cause I always wear shades on, all the time. But I'm mainly on, especially on stage for the lights.


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[Assistant] And so I'm playing and I just couldn't, I had to watch my mom and I was like, fuck you bitch. I've never, I've never, in all my years, I've never seen this look from her, which was...


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[Assistant] How do you say a lot? I was gonna say it's probably the exact same thing, which is, you know, I get a lot of, you know.


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[Assistant] Your voice is so pretty, you don't need to say the bad words, you know? But that's like, well, alright.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's like, Garth Brooks doesn't need to talk about sin on people's faces. I mean, well if he did, he'd be even bigger. Yeah, he sure would.


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[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Isn't that weird? All of us. All of us. Was this the MLK one? Yea. Probably. But also it's the most generic thing, like you won't even mention MLK, it's just like the dream, everybody's dream. Not a lot of emotions.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I fucking hate that guy. I mean, it's weird because you say that now, I mean, just because country music has gotten so shitty.


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[Assistant] But I'm saying like, that's the people I hate now, but at the time it was, Garth was the sellout. You know that there's a famous quote attributed to Waylon, but we don't, nobody knows if, um, Waylon said it or not, but the quote was,


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[Assistant] Garth Brooks did to did to country what, uh, panties did to finger fuckers.


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[Assistant] He seems fucking crazy cause we, you and I, you guys and I both watch those fucking G Alerts. Where he does the G, breaks in with the G Alert of, it couldn't be any, couldn't be less important or anything. G Alert, he's playing fucking Tulsa, you know. G Alert, yea.


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[Assistant] He's just, he reminded me a little bit of uhm, I was just thinking about Prince today when that other, that news kinda came out about him.


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[Assistant] And I'm sure Amazon paid him a shitload. And now here I am endorsing his, telling people to go to Amazon, but yea, the only way you can listen to him digitally is Amazon.


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[Assistant] Yeah, my manager talked to his manager, but I did, I played, he has a thing called the fish fry. He's like, the kid rocked fish fry, it's like a summer festival he does in Nashville.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And by the way, empty there is still thousands. Exactly. That's the thing too I gotta probably get used to, which is looking out and seeing empty seats, knowing that's still ten times the audience I usually play to. It's pretty crazy.


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[Assistant] By the way, I do that sober, too, you know. I also wouldn't go crying, go crying if you sit outside.


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[Assistant] Okay, the face is kinda funny, but that scream, it's a funny scream. It's a great scream, but also, when you play it, I was like, fuck, am I gonna watch somebody die?


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[Assistant] I mean that, that's definitely verified funny. That one you don't know, cause sometimes when you know you're gonna get hurt, I sometimes scream extra cause I know it'll like kind of soothe you a little bit. I wonder if he's doing that. I don't, I'm curious what happened to his parents.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but also anything with a parachute, if you're okay, I think you could use one. He's okay.


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[Assistant] Cuz I actually got posted on Instagram, I said, you know.


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[Assistant] It's good, it's a good point, Joshua. You got diverse fans. I do. It's comfortable, it's nice to see your fans telling you you're saying your name wrong.


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[Assistant] I think I get that, like, you heard David Allen Coe, he's fucking awesome. I'm like, god damn.


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[Assistant] You never been? The tour's gonna hit there, right? This tour won't. I got a tour there sometimes because we do sell a decent amount of records there.


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[Assistant] One of those things that I think might be kind of considered outlay, like maybe some kind of, or shoreline amphitheater, what's that? The shoreline.


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[Assistant] Here's the only thing I know, which I've never met before, but it's a mom's, your mom's house exclusive. I hired, off Craigslist, uhm, I hired protesters.


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[Assistant] Put em in chokeholds and take em out, you know. And then, fuckin', you know.


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[Assistant] And we had called all the local news stations to come out too. You did? I don't think any of them showed up because there's nothing to show up to.


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[Assistant] That's the look of it, that guy does not need to be near the internet, you know? Right. It's just like everything, like, God had me click this link, God, you know, God asked me to, you know, buy this fucking, you know, plasma screen on an Amazon shit, you know? God told me to, you know, order these clothes.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. So is there just like a constant like guys in the background? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Here we go. That's it. Wow. Kinda vague ending, you know.


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[Assistant] We were horny that we actually wanted to call him, but we pretended it was a prank, you know? Oh, right, right.


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[Assistant] Tell, you know, talk about your boobs, you know. She'd get real sexual and we'd just be fucking giggling and shit.


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[Assistant] They call my parents like I owe them like a hundred bucks, you know, a hundred bucks for that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean it was, it was fucking, I mean, well you're from kind of a smaller place too, which is just nothing to fucking do. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was fun before, uh, you know, caller ID and shit. I remember before caller ID a girl knew. That was so terrible. Well, we used to, we had one buddy who had, uh,


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[Assistant] He was the first guy we ever knew who his parents were. I think his dad was in some kind of business. They had two phone lines. So we would do the, we would call to people at the same time and if they picked up at the same time, they'd be talking to each other. So we'd call like a girl in high school, like a guy who had a crush on a girl in high school and just hook them up together. So he thought she called and she thought he called and they're just like that, you know, who is this? You know, that's Susie. Oh, it's, it's Brad, you know,


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[Assistant] Oh, thanks for calling. I didn't call you or anything. We just listened to them, basically. Cause we were basically jealous, you know.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, they're great. They're awesome, yea. Helping me out a ton on it. Cause I can't do all that fucking shit. I can't, I'm not this guy, I can't edit and shit, you know.


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[Assistant] And you fucking killed him on the, the weight loss. Oh yeaah yeaah. Looks like you're still keeping it off too.


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[Assistant] That's a horrible suggestion. Yeah, you can do it on a podcast, right?


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[Assistant] You think part of his thing will be either one of you gonna do more than like show a bunch in at once?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's a good question which theory would work the best because it's like one at a time you can go fast but like five at a time it takes longer to chew.


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[Assistant] I think the other thing you're gonna think about as I think, as I'm thinking about, I think you're gonna realize how long 12 minutes is.


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[Assistant] Take a point. You're gonna be shoving him in, you're gonna be thinking, like, how much longer it's gonna look, you're 11 minutes 30 seconds.


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[Assistant] Those guys. Yeah, you're allowed to do that because their big thing is water, right? Yeah. Yeah, you can do water. Yeah, you can do water.


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[Assistant] I used to sit around and eat donuts watching the cosplay show. I didn't do- I didn't eat them non-stop for half the show.


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[Assistant] I think the final score's gonna be something funny, like 82 to 6 or something.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna get sick. I'm gonna get sick. I think that should be a rule that if, I mean, diarrhea doesn't count, but if you throw up, it doesn't count.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll sing. How about I sing my new single? Wow. Okay, yeah. I don't really have singles, I just make videos. But I want to tell you about the video, so I was at it. There was this guy, uhm...


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[Assistant] Man, I wanna do a video, you know, a video for you. I was like, fuck yeah, I got his number.


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[Assistant] It's a little early for me, so I'm not sure about my voice.


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[Assistant] Should I do my warm ups? I went to a guy once for vocal training. I didn't need to train but I wanted to learn how to warm up every night and he taught me my, he goes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think, uh, I don't want to give too much away. I don't know how much the Kid Rock Podcast audience crisscrosses with your mom's house, but probably open with Sid on my face, you know, just to let the crowd know what's up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, with the Wheel of the Walker Jr podcast, probably be a season two, I call them seasons because I take months off between. Yeah. Um, probably be up in the next couple weeks. I don't know when this airs, but it'll probably be up close to when this airs.


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[Assistant] One competition that people flock to for locals really needs no introduction.


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[Assistant] Boy, you don't say daddy no more. Boy, you don't say daddy no more.


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[Assistant] That's when I turn around and I'll sniff up the fart myself as quickly as possible so that hopefully


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie to you, that motherfucker funky.


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[Assistant] Oh wow. You're really moving today, Tom.


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[Assistant] That's true, because I know if I ever want to make you laugh around the house, I'll be like, did you fucking rip her tits off and shit on her face and then jack off into her eyes? You staple her tits to the desk and look at, yea, see? You gotta chuckle.


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[Assistant] Did I ever tell you the story about a guy I once met at a party? And he goes, one time I was in Thailand and I was...


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[Assistant] Be like, it's alright dude, just clean up. Just don't leave your toilet paper out here, okay?


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[Assistant] That's the sound of 500 emails pouring in telling us that they've done public diaries.


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[Assistant] I just respect her so much. You know, Marilyn's like such a good girl. She's just really cool. That's really funny.


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[Assistant] And, uh, this guy was hosting some TV show when I was a PA, and I remember I had to shuttle him around that day, and we were in the Beverly, some Beverly Hills mall, right? Beverly, sir? And I remember that dude had to shit really badly, and, uh, I'll tell you what is off mic, but,


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[Assistant] Yeah, like he didn't want to admit that I was right, and then I was like, toilets right there dude, just go shit. Like I think he was trying to play it cool around me.


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[Assistant] Not you. You're the exception. Doug Mellard and his fiancee came over. A gorgeous blonde hair brown night. Like pretty sweet girl. You sat at the dinner table.


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[Assistant] You lift your ass cheeks, you farted, and then you went, I gotta take a shit.


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[Assistant] And not even by another bathroom away from us, like the kitchen bathroom that everyone uses and we can hear you through the door. Like you didn't even try to...


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[Assistant] I've never shit, uh, in, in not a toilet. Do you know what I'm saying? Like unless I've been in Asia, and like I've had to squat in the, on the ground, like in Kyrgyzstan I had to do that. But, you know.


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[Assistant] I've always held it, now pee, I peed everywhere. I feel like I've peed all over the earth. I peed on the side of the freeway.


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[Assistant] Well, I was watching the baby jeans and I put him down for his nap and now we have maybe 45 minutes to get through.


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[Assistant] This is one of those old school podcasts. Remember we used to do this when he was first a baby. He'd be in the next room.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. And then our front gate malfunction. And then like, what else went wrong? You forgot you had a meeting. I forgot I had a fucking meeting.


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[Assistant] Can I- man, and you know what else I've been thinking about, my friend Shana came-


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[Assistant] Ah, see, there it goes. The joy comes back into my life. Well, my friend Shauna came to visit me, my BFF, and, uh, and she listens to the show with her husband Jimmy.


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[Assistant] And she goes, we were talking upstairs, she goes, man, that guy who takes 10 to 12 Benadryl?


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[Assistant] Now, don't you think a Craigslist ad would suffice? Like he needs to put a YouTube video out.


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[Assistant] I know, there's a person right now who's like, check, check, I'm in dude.


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[Assistant] You wanna piss and shit? His cadence is so, it's that weird guy cadence too.


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[Assistant] Oh, I like that. Well, it's a hit song. We turned it into a smash hit.


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[Assistant] I feel like we are responsible and our audience is responsible.


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[Assistant] Hold on, I've got this email that I'm dying to read. I came into That's Deep Bro, which I think is really funny. Uh, but anyway, continue talking.


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[Assistant] I like the- I told you how the- when this started. She's retarded. It's kinda neat.


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[Assistant] Like, you can't rush a genius, you know?


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[Assistant] Well I feel like that one really got the message across.


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[Assistant] Do you really think that's the hidden meaning of she's retarded? A hundred percent. She acts out all the time. Oh yeaah. Look at Sally, Sally's just retarded.


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[Assistant] Man, these songs, I tell you, every now and then we hit a wave of real talent submissions on this show and this is one of those times.


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[Assistant] This is funny. So, it says, hi, Christina, I was listening to your mom's house episodes where you were discussing showering with Tom. I don't know if you guys remember that episode, but it started when we lived in this other house a year ago.


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[Assistant] Look, look what you're drinking now, it doesn't look like water to me, it looks like coffee.


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[Assistant] It was disgusting, and then you blew snot rockets, and then the snot got stuck in your beard, and then, like, you just, you look like a hobo. It's like showering with a guy who would diarrhea.


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[Assistant] I have worked in the nursing aid field for a couple of years and I'm currently in nursing school.


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[Assistant] How do I make washing my armpits sexy? Are blow jobs a requirement or is it supposed to be cute or both?


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[Assistant] Yeah, he'll let you have the hot water and then that switches very quickly because that's why we don't shower together is that I'll be in the hot water enjoying myself and then you will physically grab me and pull me out of the hot water and then take it yourself.


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[Assistant] Not all guys do that kind of stuff. You think it's playful, but I'll tell you that you're definitely, you know, rare. I never had a boyfriend that would do all that mean stuff to me. Mean? What was mean? Spreading my butt cheeks, weird minger, I remember you used to take your, you go like that. Why are you spreading them?


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[Assistant] Appealing on me. I didn't have a boyfriend that did that until you.


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[Assistant] Oh, so many. What your love of, uh...


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[Assistant] So basically for those of you who aren't watching on YouTube, the sunroof leaked and this woman is in a drive thru car wash and all the water just got in her interior and fucked up her car.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't like it when they take my car, I like to sit in it.


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[Assistant] Wow. That was very close. That was awesome, Gene. That was pretty good.


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[Assistant] That's a really good point because the respectful languages, the Germans, they have neuter form, right?


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[Assistant] Uhm, they have Hen, which is the neutral, right?


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[Assistant] How about Mark? Yeah, I know it's so funny cause, uhm, Ellis is about the age of the kid that they're asking on a daily basis what they feel like.


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[Assistant] I think you're confusing him. I'm sorry, them. A little bit.


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[Assistant] That's absolutely true. Well in German you have die, der and das. Those are three different.


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[Assistant] Feminine, masculine, and neuter. And you have to fuckin' memorize every word with di, der, das. That's terrible.


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[Assistant] Well that's cool. Well in California, didn't we just have the, uh, thing that transgender people can-


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[Assistant] Entirely, you're right. It makes sense. Makes sense. Yeah. For the community. No, I think they do send them to the women's. I think it's to get the guys, you know what it is? It's so that the guys don't get the shit beaten out of them.


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[Assistant] So, I don't know dude, we'll have to figure what to find out.


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[Assistant] I thought that's why you took a shit, was to catch up on your emails and your texts and your...


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[Assistant] But I feel like you process your dubs.


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[Assistant] Now that it's been digested, it's not good enough for you anymore?


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[Assistant] I feel like there should be a whole sect of religious people that are devoted to this. You know how there are like...


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[Assistant] Monks that starve themselves. I bet you there's a whole sect of people who just worship their duties.


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[Assistant] Do we have to be present all the time? That's the question I would, I would ask him is like, dude, listen, taking a dump is probably one of the most enjoyably mindless things I get to do every day. That's why it's awesome to be alone or sometimes with a toddler on your lap or a toddler running around, but mostly alone.


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[Assistant] Or you check out and you just enjoy a body function.


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[Assistant] Why do I have to fucking... Can't we just be mindless?


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[Assistant] They're, they're alternative. Like, they look spicy, spiky and hurtful, like they look like they hurt.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I do like those knuckle tats that's gonna happen in this lifetime.


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[Assistant] I've been reverting to my goth stuff a lot. But I do, I kinda want a tat, dude.


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[Assistant] Yes, the forum. The problem is, is that I feel like in 10 years when I'm a 50 year old woman, I'll feel like a dick bag.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I do like a trident or an octopus or something like that.


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[Assistant] Well I had the bad idea in the 90s of getting a fucking tramp stamp of a dragon. Look how that went.


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[Assistant] The thing is though, do I go through the pain of removing it, or do I just like, fuck it, just leave it. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Oh, it's like where your cat steps on your chest and she's like commemorating where the cat steps on her?


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[Assistant] That's the thing I think about is that, I mean, listen, I've only had the tramp stamp and that wasn't comfortable.


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[Assistant] I mean, or your eye- eyelids. I don't even know how they give eyelid tattoos. I've seen those on television. Not very often in real life.


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[Assistant] And I like the neck, actually. I do like a chest piece.


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[Assistant] I do, actually there was a drug dealer that I went to college with and he had a lot of throat tats. And he had like, he was like a white guy with dreads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he wore, he rode a motorcycle. He was tough as fuck actually. He had the knuckle tats, the neck.


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[Assistant] Yes, everybody did dude, he was hot. I'm telling you, it's very rare, but this boy was so goddamn, you know how like a dude figures out a look?


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[Assistant] And you're like, that was his look, dude. Knuckle tats, throat, dreads, blonde, like bleached white, and then...


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[Assistant] Yes. I'm saying, and I don't say this, I'll never say this again, Mc, maybe Rob Zombie can pull it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she fell in love with him, the campus drug dealer, and then he was like, nah, cause he had this really cute girlfriend that he was with, and he kinda cheated on the girl.


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[Assistant] Of course he cheats on her. Dude, he even had like a hot ass friend, you know? And like hot dudes, they were all like their best friends hot. But the thing is, they were like 25 at the time. You know what I'm saying? Like I was a freshman in college and these dudes were like 25 and still in college dealing drugs.


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[Assistant] Right. All my friends. Jeff Tay.


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[Assistant] You see right, because he did a lot of the bad drugs. I do not have an update on the hot friend.


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[Assistant] Uh, Sarah sent it to me. He's not hot anymore. He is, he is kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Middle-aged. There's a window for that kind of shit, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this whole thing about, you know, we're, we allowed, we're, we should do a slut walk. Everyone's allowed to be a whore. I feel like we've always been allowed to be a whore. Like I don't know what these uptight girls are. Like in the nineties, all my friends were sluts. It's all the whores. It's just whores. All doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And especially in San Francisco, when I went to college, it was like, cool, it was cool. No one fucking slut shamed people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but real talk, I went to an all girls catholic high school, we were so sex positive, like I remember in 10th grade, our friend gave her her first blowjob, she came in the next day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And announced it, and we all fucking high-fived her. Nobody was like, ugh, you're a whore, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His life is too complicated. He definitely lives by himself.


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[Assistant] You know, more dump clips, really. I feel like, I feel like this really lifted my spirit. This is what I needed today. Thank you so much for really bringing the clips that I would respond to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rappin' on my sock, she's worth it. Walkin' down the streets, walking down the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was nice. It was nice. Tom, it was very nice.


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[Assistant] I'm like, yeah mom, of course I treat her with respect. And she's like, this is eh, you are too young to be disrespectful.


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[Assistant] Oh, disrespectful. Yeah, I was like, uhm, what do you want to eat?


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[Assistant] Yeah, they do, they go, come on, come on, virginity is cool.


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[Assistant] So what sacred releasing is, is it's a way of transforming using the toilet going to the bathroom from something that's mundane into something that's really magical, transforming it into a sacred ritual.


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[Assistant] Farts and shit are sort of disconnected phenomena.


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[Assistant] Thank you. You asked me, how much do you think a jacket like this costs, Tom?


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[Assistant] It's like a cheapy H&M-y dragon. That's where I get all my stuff cheap.


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[Assistant] The, the prince floral. I was kind of afraid of looking like a Tommy Bahama dad.


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[Assistant] Are you sure? Cause my stepdad used to wear Tommy Bahama all the time with these horrible prints and I'm like, that's kinda like, it's a little Tommy Bahama. Doesn't look like that.


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[Assistant] This is how I feel every time I'm forced to orally copulate.


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[Assistant] You're always trying to trick me to, you're like, oh I'm soft, I need help. And then I go down there and you're like, just kidding.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I know. They are the best for one, for that thing. For lovin's, I'm assuming, that's what I hear.


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[Assistant] I won't give away too much about our marital love makings, but Bobby and Trish had a rendezvous.


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[Assistant] Which for me, an eastern blocker who hates spending money, that is like the jackpot. Yea man, I forgot how cool it is there and how much shit there is to buy for nothing.


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[Assistant] I was, I felt, and I tell you, I'm going to tell you guys, I got so excited because I saw the Halloween aisle and it was really good. Like they have really good stuff there. I was very surprised and I actually walked through it and I felt a pang of guilt. Like I shouldn't buy this.


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[Assistant] So kind of fancy, you know? And then I walked through the aisles and then I went back and I was like, you know what, Christina, you can treat yourself right here. And I spent 20 whole dollars.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was so exciting. Is anything over 99 cents? Yes. So it's like 99 cents is a starting point. There are some items, the nicer ones, that are $1.99.


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[Assistant] But they're really nice. You would never know. You're gonna see. The Halloween decorations I got are so nice.


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[Assistant] Anyway, I got a lot of stuff for LJ for the airplane ride on Sunday. Uh, a mom friend of mine told me to buy a bunch of shit from the 99 cent store for him to play with on the plane. You know? You know what I'm saying? I didn't get him toys, I got him like kitchenware and shit like he likes to play with, you know?


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[Assistant] And I posted on Instagram, I thought of you immediately. It's like, it's like a little evil kid with a glow in the dark axe.


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[Assistant] Well, uh, look, she told me she goes, but he's going to cry during takeoff and landing. You should count on that. Cause their ears are very fragile at that age.


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[Assistant] And, uh, you know, that's an inevitability. Give him something to suck on, like a bottle, right? Milk. Give him his baba. And, uh, you know, oh, oh, and she said the crying is actually good because that's how they unplug their ears through crying. It'll help the process. So she goes, it's actually a good thing. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And, you know, I have a big fear of, uh, losing control. That's my thing. I got control issues. So for me, the baby crying like that on, and also I'm afraid of judgment of other people.


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[Assistant] And we're going to ruin other people's flight. That's my fear. Yeah, me too. And them looking at me like this dumb fuck woman doesn't know how to take care of her kid. Yeah. No, I have the same fears. Yeah. So what are you, what's your biggest, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm the same. Uhm, I had the same panic the first time I flew with Feef. Back in the day. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know what, but you know what that is, I mean for me anyways, it's, it's my perfectionism. Yeah. Where if I'm not a perfect, I'm not perfect at being a mom, then I'm a piece of shit. That's my big thing is I'm like, then it means that I'm a bad person if I'm not perfect at it.


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[Assistant] I like his haircut though, look at that. Yeah. It's definitely eighties.


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[Assistant] That is a really good tactic. I mean, if I were, if I had the wherewithal to do it, I definitely would in that situation.


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[Assistant] To just put it in your mouth. I'd bite the fuck outta that dick dude. Yeah. Rip his fucking nuts off too. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And I also wonder if my veneers can handle that kind of a bite.


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[Assistant] You know, of course. Yeah. She's like, you better do this.


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[Assistant] Right, but then what can he do? I guess he can try to buy her bad job. Oh, right.


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[Assistant] You know what I would do? Okay, I would, yeah, I would give in and then I would give him a, I might give him a dick bite and a ball pull. Ah, at the same time.


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[Assistant] What if it's not a tug? What if it's a full pull? Like a-


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[Assistant] Yeah, he should be teaching her the ball bite, not just the dick bite.


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[Assistant] Woah. Wow, very different approach.


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[Assistant] Oh, so you really, you're really roping him. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's so stupid. I just assume all Asian men do that now. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] I know. God, I've become racist now.


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[Assistant] Right. But see, in our world, in the female world, a gay man is equal to a woman.


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[Assistant] We don't think of them as dudes. Like they're just, they're girls like us. They're just one of the girls.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's not cool. Why would Yoshi demand sex from another man?


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[Assistant] You know what I do like about, uhm, the older gays like this? Like, he really does put it out there. Like, the flag is flying. He's like, look man, I wanna fun. But at this age, I-


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[Assistant] You should be like that. I know, I agree. Good for him. I don't like that he's harassing this dude. I don't think that's cool. I'm not bothered by it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he hit the guy that he's trying to get to fuck him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's holding his face like that guy just hit me. What a dickhead. Fuck this.


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[Assistant] Right, one is a humble request, the other one is a demand.


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[Assistant] So anyway, we were in Ryuto Tokyo yesterday, and we met a mommy on the street. That was fun.


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[Assistant] Well, they always lie to you too, and they're like, oh, it goes by fast. Put your name on it. No, it never does when you're standing and you're hungry.


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[Assistant] Yeah, then, then you can binge the 10 seasons and you're like, I'm into the Sopranos, dude.


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[Assistant] Uh, but what we saw at the sushi bar was interesting. Uh, we saw a lot of hungry tits out and about yesterday.


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[Assistant] It's so weird that, uh, euros do that. They like their tits to jiggle around. But only if you got small hungry tits can you do that.


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[Assistant] You can't go braless when you got big quadruple D slut wife tits like mine. There's no fucking way.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, cause they move a lot more than, uh, you know.


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[Assistant] What was the title we had for your special at Denver? Coming on you Denver.


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[Assistant] Alright, uh, September 22nd and 23rd, St. Lucetits, Missouri at the Helium Comedy Club.


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[Assistant] October 3rd, Nashville. What is Nashville? Nardsville? Nashville. Nashville, Tennessee. Zany's Comedy Club. October 4th, Shortlet North Cackalacka, as you say. As if that's a real thing. It's real. Comedy Zone. And then with you October 8th, uh, YMH Live in Spermvine.


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[Assistant] That her cousin is actually her biological sister.


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[Assistant] Listen, I don't know what kind of fake news, propaganda this is, news breaker, whatever that is.


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[Assistant] Exactly, because they know this is not conclusive.


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[Assistant] This is not a conclusive study. They're still saying drink water in addition to. Otherwise they would just sell you bottles of coffee like this!


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[Assistant] Suck on it, Denver. Come, come, come on my suck. Something like that.


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[Assistant] What about, uhm, jokes for moose soup?


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[Assistant] Nailed it. How does my asshole smell? Huh? We have to put the huh in there.


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[Assistant] Not all nazis are bad? How about instead of neo-nazis, it's nifty nazis or something like that.


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[Assistant] That's just a fun one. What about just Hey Hitler? Hey Hitler.


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[Assistant] Little Trump. Little Trump 99. Build that wall. Build that wall. Build that wall. There you go. God. There you go.


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[Assistant] I think you're right that the hot farts do tend to be smellier.