[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we went to Ocean City, Maryland. Uh, that was just the coast, yeaah, just the beach in our town. I've been to Myrtle Beach, but not for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I might have talked about that on here. Maybe I'm wrong. I mean what other show would I have talked about this on? The nastiest chick I've ever been with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm probably seeing it through the guy that would eat the ass, and you're seeing it through the ass-eed-ee. I'm the urr. Wait, wait, so wait, who was the nastiest? Oh, the nastiest girl I've ever been with was, uhm, beautiful girl, started normal, you know, six months in, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of nowhere it's a lot. That was, that's aggressive. Even for me, and I'm, I'm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she tells me she wants to give me a blowjob while I'm taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just so pretty. Really? So pretty. And how long were you dating her? Six months before this popped off. Wow. Oh, so you thought that like, it was a different person? This was a different request. Yeah, like, and, and I, I was like, first of all, here, let me tell you what you're not considering. You're not considering smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not considering splashback. You're not considering, and there's urine in that splashback. You're not considering any of these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my brain hurts. Oh man, somebody out there thought- and look, she bugged her shit o- I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like someone just held me down and did something to me. He does it to me all the time. He did it to me with that god damn, the guy that fucking sat on the glass and then recorded me watching it. Yeah, I did. And pulling shards out of it. It's gushing and he's not screaming or anything at times like, look at the scars. I'm like, ah! That is the grossest. Wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not going to watch it. I saw it once. I tell people about it because I'm traumatized by it. I hear what's happening over there. He's got it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been traumatized, but not like that. Like we talked about like, guys that get stomped in their dicks. Like I would never be able to come from something like that. Like if you were like, I'll give you five million dollars right now. If these Asian chicks wear high heels and stomp your dick and you come, I'd be like, I can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude is looking, he is not happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean look at his followers. Is he like that one guy Dan Belzerian or something like that? But just a totally different guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it looks like. Uhm, also he tucks his shirts in a little bit and his boots, his tucks his jeans in his boots. He's Italian so we give him. Yea, but your jeans all day. You don't tuck your jeans in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I think I have seen this. Hand that girl. I've seen that. Okay, I've seen the dance stuff. I didn't know he was in it. That's him. Here he goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know the financials of that. There's no way that... He's only worth 3 billion. That's it. So what do you think that situation is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, they're together a lot right here. Yeaah. They're together a lot. It's cool that she's a foot fucking taller. Yeaah. This might be more than I thought then. This might be some mental illness in there too. Might not just be financial. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sounds we've heard on this show today, what do you think he sounds like when he busts a nut? What do you think that guy's sound is at 89? Just like 80 fucking nuts. You think he's cheering that he got one out? Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll go to that side, fuck him, come back, and then also open her mouth as a portal for him to speak to this side as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should start your own show. You know, the talk with the ladies. You should start the talk and you should have these people. Do you want to see some of her talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And parents were in the same room, I think I saw too. I'm not down with that, I care about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no way. You know the whole idea back then is not to get caught. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throat tattoo's fuckin' real. Is that a bat? We call that the turtleneck tat, where I come from, right there. It's all the way in that turtleneck's area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get people have insecurities and I get we doubt ourselves at times, but how much do you fucking hate yourself? That you want to change your eye color. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, any person that wants to stand in front of the panel of the three of us and say, I think I want to get my eyes done, I guarantee each one of us can go, you know what I'd do before I'd do your eyes? This, this, this, this, this, this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what that dude needs? He needs a greyhound vest right now. That's what he needs. They're hiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, that's a thing? Oh, no, no, no, no, don't look, Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way that can't not be good for you. There's no way. This, the eating your own. There's no way. There's no way. I hear, I mean, I'm not gonna. I think it's fine. There's no way that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the poutine? No. You didn't see it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started telling you I broke up with a girl that I thought was a nice person that wanted to suck my dick while I took a shit and you guys are showing me way worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck no! 15, there wouldn't be any thousand in that number. No? Look, I have a price. I definitely have a price, but it ain't in the thousands. 100,000? No. That's in the thousands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be right at the top of the list, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he also, it's probably because he eats his own shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandmother was a shoe thrower, old Italian lady, she threw the shit out of her shoe. Really? We saw Eddie Murphy, delirious, we couldn't believe. He talked about Aunt Bunny throwing the shoe, we couldn't believe. Couldn't even fucking believe. No, Aunt Bunny was falling down the steps. We couldn't believe who the fuck. Somebody throwing the shoe. Oh, she threw her shoe all the time at us. That was the mom. The boomerang, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's excruciatingly painful. Have you done it? I'm in the middle of doing this one so I can get something added to it. Yea, and they can't really work around it so I'm like, alright, let's lighten it up enough so you can cover it. And I'm, I'm seven sessions in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, it's dark, yes. It's not like you just did a, uh, like a border of Texas or some shit on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting this. I don't know if his teeth are chattering or if that's the- I'm getting this underskirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Thank god you showed me that. Man, I'm gonna book the next flight somewhere cold, uh, go through security and everything with my mask, and uh, when I get there I'm gonna eat some dirt snow, come back maskless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come back with a tattoo and with antibodies. That's how you do it. You know what? Okay, let me ask you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coronavirus is gonna kill everybody on the planet. But the only way to not die is to get the insane clown posse tattoo on your face. Jesus Christ. Do you do it? And do you let your children do it? You all have to do it or you die. What do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think that's actually what the girl said to me before she wanted to suck my dick before, while I took a shit. I think she was like, alright, snake arm. I was like, wait, what's that mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That girl has probably sat there in silence when he turns his camera off, he probably looks back and just goes, shut up bitch. You know, just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that guy back there is lumbering in right now. As I'm looking at him, I'm like, that might be putting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These bitches ruin everything. These are the same bitches back in the day. You couldn't play, you couldn't go outside and play. They'd call the fucking police. You're out there having a good time. You know what I mean? Always reporting you, coming out to say something like, oh, shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody asked you to do that. Asked me permission to do it to me, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I put like a bag on her head so I don't notice her? The world is guaranteed saved after this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get me, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't like it. But at least I'd have, you know, the feeling of victory afterwards, like I did this and everyone will know. No, but I'm re-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm taking a break from the dentures right now because now does it hurt to have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These healing ass angel bites with the dentures in, but I'm gonna post a video of what they look like and what my teeth looked like before I had my dentures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's a good question. Usually the first question is, how did you guys get into this and how did you meet? Of course. Uh, it really comes down to, uhm, like, what do you think is an interesting thing to dive into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you start to look into it and little pieces of it and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always a thing of like, somebody might come to you and say, my friend lives next to an airport and now his whole family is cancer. Super sad. You don't know if that's related. You start to look into it, but specifically with this, it's when you first start to learn about the concept of, okay, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The McMillions, the McDonald's Monopoly game was loved by all, especially me as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so from 1989 to 2001, there was a fraud ring that was stealing the game pieces and selling them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For us women, like, looking into this story, first it's like the personal interest. Like, I loved the Monopoly game as a kid. My first job at 16 was at McDonald's during the time of this. You did work there? Oh yeah. Oh wow. Really? I got my license. The day I got my license, I came home, showed my dad, like, I got my license. He's like, go get a job. And so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went through a really long period of time of not, but on this project, we've probably eaten there the last two years more than I had in the previous 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's been a few years since I was in the kitchen, uh, but, uh, usually, so they have a gun, and the gun automatically does it. You do one squirt and it does like three perfect little splooges of ketchup on there. And then you put, I think it's three pickles on a regular cheeseburger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's like a miracle. Even a movie theater soda is ten times better than if you crack a coke at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. He's, well he's a performer. He's a trial attorney for the US government. Like you have to be that showman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you think from their perspective, why wouldn't we go to the Chicago office of the FBI as the third largest in the world? So why wouldn't we just drive 20 minutes over to this with the fly to Jacksonville, Florida?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was immediate. Everything is so cinematic within the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, basically somebody wrote this, but it actually happened in real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, there are no cameras inside of an FBI office or in McDonald's. But the story is so fascinating. You needed to live that moment where the FBI agents are sitting there with McDonald's and Doug walks in in that gold suit. Not nearly as entertaining as just Doug's just sitting there telling it and laughing at himself. Yes. Although still mildly entertaining. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, individually, you could only do a million dollars. There was talk of, like, in the last episode, in one of them there was talk of at some point a five million dollar game piece, but that, there's nothing we've seen about that, but a million dollars and there would be multiples every single time they ran the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean 1989, right? So 1989 is when it started. You said 87. So 89 was the first stolen piece and it was $25,000. And then, that was basically a proof of concept. And after that, that's when the big win. So this is a really interesting thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The FBI couldn't prove that people were stealing the entire time, but that's because certain key people that were involved with this died. Right. So there are people who have won that possibly were part of this but never got busted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can call up Mark Deveraux to find out for sure, but uhm, it's an interesting question because it's really based on what you stole and not what you actually received.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for example, there were people involved in this and we explained this in episode 6, but let's say you gave 10 people million dollar winning game pieces and you personally only got a few hundred thousand dollars from selling those pieces off. You're responsible for 10 million. What? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big theme. The theme throughout it is just sometimes good people make bad decisions and you don't realize that some decision can lead to being a federal criminal. It seems very, very harmless on the surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he thought that was it. Yeah, he knew that Jerry had done this in the past, but he didn't know that there were actively other recruiters doing the same exact thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It definitely looks like a victimless crime and to think like somebody had to win, all they're doing is redirecting who wins. Yeah. And they're taking a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was because basically any sort of plan to defraud other people out of property or money is a fraud. That's a bad thing. So eventually you start to see in episode 5 and then you really hammer home the scope of the amount of people that were involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 53 people were indicted. 53 people for this? Oh, so this is like taking down a family. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you think like, well, why, those are very broad terms, but fraud changes so much what fraud is today with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you can do online and what you can do with computers completely different than it was 25 years ago. Oh yeaah. And you can't, the government can't keep up with changing laws for very specific things, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say, all right, well, where's the money going? How's it getting to places? And then are you, are you utilizing the US mail as a part of the scheme? And that's what they can get you on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's all kinds of stuff I could show you here. Let me see. Isn't that literally what TikTok is? Just that. Why? Yes. Well, if you're going to go ahead and bring them up, I guess we'll pull up the TikToks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You weren't defiled by a disgusting male penis. That makes a lot of sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you play it? Nah, not really. I went through a phase where when I was 19, I was convinced I was going to win the money to get an Escalade for whatever, I mean, loving hip hop music. That was literally all I thought about was like, man, the Montell Jordan video has new Escalade. I need that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of that, no, I just love craps. Do you have an escalator now? No. I didn't get to achieve my dream. Dude, you can get it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can find the McMillions podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, the HBO Know and Go apps. Everywhere where podcasts are available. Correct. So uhm, the big thing for us was the story is gargantuan. It spans 12 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 53 people that were indicted across 23 states. There's a lot within it. There were a ton of stories that just didn't make it within the show. They were either uhm, they were really interesting but not vital pieces of information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, or just really cool things that we thought people would want to know about. Uhm, so we went to HBO and said hey, what do you guys think about doing a podcast where we can add these things in and then also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much information that the people that were in this whole situation like the criminal side and the FBI side that they wouldn't know until watching the show. So we have those people on and talk to them about what they've learned from watching the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The FBI agents even say to us, like Chris Graham, who is the squad chief of the White Collar Crime Squad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like a big thing that episode 5 has the crazy fact story about the FBI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Knowing it just from the criminal side of like how close they could have come to just blowing the entire investigation right before all of the arrests. It's just a fascinating thing to understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're working on it. We've got, uh, we've got some things, some things, uh, and some cooking, some things cooking. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool. It's nice to be able to turn down or turn around something really fast. To do a show took us a year and a half to do the thing. It's great to be able to like do it and then be done in like a couple days. Pretty awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do chores. Be safe. Do not stick your hands in any cages. I am never going to financially recover from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he has three or four girlfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dark, complexed, uh, gentleman with the most god-awful big hands you've ever seen in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, yeah? I said, well, do you enjoy the guy with the little one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I asked him every day, I said, why me? He said, because God put me here to make you smile, and that's my job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as you see, that song actually made me very sad because to my right, my gene is in Europa right now. He was in Budapest, he did Berlin, and as we speak, he's in Amsterdam. And I miss him so much, but thankfully, uh, we have here sitting on the couch, Ryan Sickler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you may have noticed the SuWu shirt is no longer up in our store. I noticed. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's Tom with a little video from Europe to let us know why that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we have a great legacy at your mom's house of, uh, doing it our way. Let's say it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We take creative risks. We put ourselves out there. We've been blacklisted by major corporations. McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, because we go for the jokes. We're not playing it safe. We're not SJWs here. And uhm, yeaah, I'll let my husband explain exactly what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So there you go. We got a call from, like you said, LAPD gang unit. Um, apparently the guy listens to our show. We have a lot of fans in law enforcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we just decided to take their advice on this one. What do you, I mean, are you familiar with, you are familiar with the whole SuWu biz?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming four strokes. All these things really catch fire with our crowd. So uh, I'm just thankful it's uh, I think we're going to take it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we have an update on the, uh, last week we played a clip about the white Suwu girl and her gang of Tata, their friends. And, uhm, did you happen to see this, Jack? I haven't seen this. You're gonna die, Ryan. I can't wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was. I think it was to signify, like, I love to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Look at this brat. What is this bitch talking about? Alright, let's get into her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got something coming for him, and he's got something waiting for him. It's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the Bloods, the famous west coast Bloods Josh. Like he's anybody of any significance in the world. It's so, it's just bizarre. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phew, my brain is hurting. So, Nadav, you said that you had clips or footage of explaining what getting fucked in means, because we were really perplexed by this, uh, this term of getting fucked in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. Correct. Now, I grew up around a lot of cholas in the San Fernando Valley. The first girl I ever smoked cigarettes with was a chola named Chula. And Chula...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True story. And uh, Chula listened to oldies and she's like, you like oldies? I'm like, no, I like Morrissey and the Cure. And anyway, um, she would tell me about getting jumped in and how her friends had been jumped in. So that's when a group, I think they beat you up basically. And then now you're so getting fucked in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately, that title or a membership only goes so far. Majority of the time it is an opportunity for everybody to get a chance to have sex with a girl and often the promise of being a member of the gang without having to take the usual beat down is appealing to most hood rats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like any good film, or reading like Lolita by Nabokov, like at some point you get- you f- you understand the mind of a psychopath or the mind of a pedophile and then eventually you're rooting for them to do evil things. Like it's kind of like that. We're like, I get that, alright. Yeah, she's a fucking hoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nobody, I guess, is that normal? Like do parents, are they supposed to break that up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Jesus. And did you ever get one in on him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boys are so different. I'm really learning this. I'm really, like in the last week alone, I've been puked on, pissed on, drop kicked. I, just, this is a playing, like the kids aren't evil, they're just boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've drawn everything. They're just savages. Our house is just destroyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, at the time I was driving a Volkswagen Jetta, a blue one, and I had murdered out the windows thinking that that would keep me safer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm talking murdered out, like limousine black, and I'm this little blonde girl, and I go rolling through our neighborhood, and I would see the vatos, like, coming down on the stoop, like, what's up, homie? Like, I literally, they would come down, like, what do you want, little girl? But they didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for some reason, uhm, there was a lot of roosters, too. Neighborhoods had roosters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? It's just, that's how show business too. That's how like everything is for us girls. I'm telling you, if you want to be in a male dominated anything,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the, you actually, you cannot, like in comedy, you cannot chucklefuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot chuck- you know who I fucked? One. One and done. I never even fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never even held hands with another male comic. Cause I knew. That's what happens. They pass you around and then all the guys, they don't take you seriously. You gotta start- I'm pregnant. You gotta start your own girl thing. You can do your own fucking thing. Away from the boys. She's pregnant too. That bitch in that clip. Did you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uhm, we have some YMH Halloween costumes. That's right, Holojeans is coming up this week. Uhm, we were submitted, one girl, uh, sent us a picture of her as, uh, as Tom and I, which was really sweet. What you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, promoting, oh my god, promoting shows on these morning radio things, I mean morning talk shows, which are just so horrible and phony and so outdated now, like who is watching that being like, these are my people, who the fu- in this era of real-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, I'll tell you what. I love, I don't dress up, cause I don't have the fucking time, but I do. My house has been decorated for Halloween since September. I just posted a video today on the gram, if you want to see it, of my, I have a credenza, and I put up a Halloween display, I do it for all the holidays. I'll be having my Christmas lights up at the end of November too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's do that. Okay, let's wrap it up. So this is what you can be for Halloween, Tom and Christina. Hilarious. Did I just refer to myself in third person? I'm such a douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm gonna plug some dates. Let's do Flappers in the Yoohoo Room every Thursday. I'm doing a residency there through December if you want to come see me there. And then, uh, Seattle and Portland almost completely sold out November 22nd and 23rd. I'm not adding second shows. And then in 2020, I'm announcing dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing, uh, Houston Improv January 30th through February 1st, March 13th through 14th, Miami Improv, March 26th through 28th, the Addison Improv in Dallas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 3rd through 4th, Jew Dork Titties, Caroline's Comedy Club, April 24th through 25th, Des Moines, Iowa, Des Moines, at the Funny Bone, and then June 12th through 13th in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. Ticket links at Christina P. Online. Let's do Tommy Bunz's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so as you know, my genes right now, uh, by the 30th, he'll be in Perry, gay Perry at the Apollo. Halloween night, London, UK, Apollo, Hammersmith, and then 11-2, Salford, UK, 11-3, Dublin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Syracuse, Charlotte, Pensacola, Florida, Lake Charles,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is that? Louisiana, Austin, 1116, Austin, Austin, Melbourne, 1129, 1130th, Miami, 12-5, Erie, Pennsylvania at the Warner Theater, 12-6, Columbus, Ohio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? And that's it! I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm like, I can't believe my husband's working so much. I love you, Tommy Salami. Thank you for giving my children and me a great life. I appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I'm like gonna cry just watching how hard he works and he just got sick too. And anyway, I love you, Tommy Salami. You're the best. Uhm, you do your Denver dates. And, uh, when we come back, thank you so much for sitting. I know you came under great duress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, we're so happy to have you as a member of Studio Jeans. Your Honeydew Podcast, if you haven't listened to Ryan, you gotta check this show out. What I love about your show is that you guys get so real and honest on, how do you say it, highlighting the lowlights?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well thank you guys and when we come back, Nikki Glazer is going to be on and she's gonna give us the lowdown on the, I think on the roast and all kinds of great stuff. She also has a special out on Netflix. So okay, thank you, Jeans. See you next time. Bye, mommies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, dude, yes. It's nice. It's very convenient. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is bullshit. There is a great book out there. Listen to all those women listening. It's a stupid book. It is called- Getting To I Do? No. Why Men Love Bitches. Oh, yep, yep, yep. It sounds stupid, but it- and the title is crass, but the point is what you just said. Old school, baby. Keep it O.S.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let the man pursue the woman, god damn it! Yes. It's evolutionary, it's just biology, and you're fucking things up when the woman is pursuing the man. It is not how it goes. I'm an as feminist as they come, I'm a feminist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, can you lay off the, can you, can you abstain from it, the vibrator for a while to re- to- Yea, I'm not shortening off at all right now. Like, I don't even have the desire for it. So then, don't do it for a while, and let the feeling come back, and then, you know? Yea. It sounds like you're over, yea, maybe you're overstimulating yourself. I'm not, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can't sleep in that position, dickhead. Sleep squatted down naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I saw somebody French just on the street. I was waiting for my Uber, my Uber, sorry. And this couple, he just walked up to her and he started Frenching her. Like right on the sidewalk. I was like, this is such an intrusion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can't be me. It can't be me too, but that, but I feel as though I'm like, no, no, no push, like no. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, but I'll tell you what, I'm angry that this guy has the audacity to put this message out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, so why can't they just get, they should be asking for money for a hooker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're still going with the praying guy, even in light of the second additional clip of the ayayayay guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so then maybe you need to find a dominant, a guy who's a dom, cause it sounds like you're pursuing these, these weenie guys, these betas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got one, I've got it. Uhm, what about an older gent? Would you be okay with a divorced man with older children out of the nest? Maybe like a guy, a Wall Street-y guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about a guy who's been married, divorced, so he's been around the block, he knows how to treat a lady now, he's made his mistakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's a career guy. Highly successful. Clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well because some kid could be walking by and this guy's jerking it in his car. I mean I've seen guys jerking off in public a bunch. A lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean I'd still, you know what I might, if I were, I'm just thinking, I may want to contact Uber and just be like, I don't, I can't confirm, but this guy may.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this though, the motion, because cleaning a stain off is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See now I have sympathy for them. Now this is where I'm different than you guys. I actually have sympathy because a lot of nerds would ask me out in my life and I tried to be very kind to the people that had the courage to approach me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As gentlemen. I was never a part of DM culture because I'm married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always had sympathy for those guys who had the courage to ask me out. That's a bigger deal than me than like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me eat your pussy! Like I don't have sympathy for that guy. Fuck that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, yes, I mean, there was even a guy who came onto me, uhm, who lived with his parents. He was ten years too old to be an undergrad, and he, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okie doke. Now I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave breadcrumbs for boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell the story? Of course. Am I allowed to? Okay. So, I decided, cause I never had a one night stand. Come for me. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was a 28 year old lady, 27 right? We were dating. I decided he was going to be my first one night stand. Oh, so you weren't, one and done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna bang Tom because I think he's a nice guy. I know him. He's not a stranger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, hey, like you. Hey, I'm gonna check my, make sure that I'm available, cause if you, if froggy wanna come courtin', you know what I'm saying, like, my shit's up here, I put a flare up, bitches, I'm here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think it's somebody, that book, it's a bad title. It's not being a bitch, it's just being a self-contained person. You know what I'm saying? Like, yea, like what's he saying? I have an identity, I knew who I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman chooses them. And you're good at business, right? You're great at your career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, no. Cause you're telling me, but this guy and then I fix that and then I tell him to go to therapy and then I find out and then he cries. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. Have the guy who's already got that shit done. Yep. And now homeboy's not gonna cry on your foot. Fuck all. You don't wanna do that. You wanna be the guy's therapist anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He works a lot too, he's aware of what you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a bitch is a woman that's secure. Quite honestly, I'm aloof. Aloof and mysterious, like Jackie Onassis in my courting style. But it's only because I have a bad attachment. Like, actually, Tom and I work because we're, I don't know, I'm actually more, um, avoidant. So that comes across as aloof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's just dying. And that's a similar feeling probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, no, I'd, for a while longer, I'd stick around for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's telling you about stuff he's got going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny is uh, people who, like sometimes people will see an episode and then they'll reach out and they'll be like, I don't think that guy is that weird. And I'm like, oh, you're pretty fucking weird then. If you don't think that guy's weird, you're weird for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your pussy. Now. Uhm, there really is a lot to cover. We have a great episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That lady said that everybody, that all women's pussies itch all the time. But they don't. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this lady was like, it's never not itching. I don't think she knows that she might have a little issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can you not? You're dead inside. Feels electric. If you don't fucking dance every time you hear the opening riff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it reminded me of like the, uh, remember the Asian Airlines, uh, crash?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, and then they called in, they sent the names to the newscasters who were like, we got breaking news, the names of the pilots are now being reported.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, yea, well that is, that is very, uhm, Mexican slang. It's Mexican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would think that like somebody in that control room or, you know, on staff in LA would know. I can't believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, first of all, this is one of my favorite things about you, is uh, when my cousin named his first daughter Paloma, which is Spanish for dove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were saying suck my dubs. All my pelotas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your, is Christina talking earlier today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I watched one with you. Well, I tried to watch one and then we watched another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was too hard to watch. It was disgusting. We watched three minutes. We watched their teaser and it was like, first of all, it was like an ankle snapped in half with the bone sticking out of the skin. Fuck. And then it was, uh, skin rashes, nail fungus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know. I know. It was just, it was all horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hot lady doctor. I would right there be like, oh no, I don't feel good. I gotta come back some other time. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause even our- Unless I hadn't jerked off in like two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've actually looked down and been like, I've never seen my dick so small. Until this moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes like, uh, uh. Really? Yeah, yeah, and you're like, fuck! And then he's like, I gotta check. So he's like, you're really jabbing it in your ass, and you're like, fuck man!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, then he's like, all right, your prostate's fine. You're like, God damn. You want to take it easy? He had to give it a tug. Yeah, no, it's like, it's really aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that was the, that was, I'd never had that done and that was really aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can find her. Anyways. I wasn't the first guy she did it to, I'll tell you that. She was a fuckin' seasoned vet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and by the way, she did it like on first, like first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, every girl's tried, I'm not down with it though. You've never tried once? No, no, no, I don't like it. Dude, you gotta let it happen once. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you'll like it, I promise. Alright, maybe I'll try it next time. Just take it for a ride. Let's see. I'm serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you gotta be ready for gore. It's basically a gore show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but then the counter is not that high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine how horrible in the middle ages to be a little person where right away they're like, you're a clown. Do, do just walk, walk around for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they just probably would walk up and just fuck your mouth. Like the guards, I'm sure they were just like, fuck that guy's mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hum dogs, punching bags, uh, you know, yea, like cartoon, comedian, they're like do a cartwheel, do, you know, do flips, do a somersault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, no no, he's one of the, yeaah, he's A-list talent. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, we watched two last night. The first one, this dude, comes buckets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. He has, he's truly multi-orgasm. That's actually him. Scroll down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this guy is truly multi-orgasmic. So that can happen with, it's more common with women. Some women, you know, have multiple, with guys to have base, essentially no refractory period, meaning after orgasm, most men, you know, kind of shut it down. They need time before they do it again. This guy can go right into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex again. He is in, he said his record was 7 orgasms in 14 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also has full loads every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went to a doctor and to prove that he's multi-orgasmic and he went into the room and he ejaculated five times in 15 or 20 minutes and the doctor was like, these are all individual loads, this is good work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But his fifth load, he said, was a dry one, so he actually was out of gist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, uh, so he married a woman from Quebec and, uh, sweet lady and she's like, yeah, he can really fuck. And then, and then she goes, no, she said that, um, you know, he, he, he needs it, right? Like he's, he's has a very high sex drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, uh, I had to start working out because he likes getting jerked off a lot. So she started doing shake weights and they show her working out. She's like, I had to get my forearms up because sometimes I'll have to jerk them off like five times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it got us thinking about Josh quite a bit. Because he was like, for a long time, uh, here's this guy who now is this, right, but he was like, I could not, I could not climax with a woman. And then when he met this lady, he had an orgasm with her and now he's like, can't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that guy. And then, oh, then they had uhm, we watched another episode of it where a guy has a giantess fetish. That's where, like, the fetish is that the woman is, like, Godzilla height, you know, King Kong? And she's destroying a city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She crushes, uhm, buildings. Puts them in his mouth, she eats them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a very, uh, that's it, like she's sitting on the seat. She, um, what's it called? Uh, yeah, steps on them and eats them and crushes them. But it seems like it's a very submissive thing. Like see that lady scroll down a little more in the middle there. She's like sitting on a city. Yeah, it's silly. I like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, they eat em? What do you think? Are you, uh, into that, Nadal? Into the... Giantus? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you like, like a six footer. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's kinda cool. But not like 80 feet tall. Right, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was exciting. I was, uh, it was fun to watch the, they showed the guy who has the, he's a young guy, 24, and his friend was like, I think it's pretty fucked up. And, uh, I told him that I don't know if he wants to do this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because that part of your brain is so strong that it's overwhelming your reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when, when the sex part of your brain takes over, you can't talk. That's like, that guy was like, you don't, you don't need to do a TV show about it. And he was like, I like it though. He's not thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long, where you get overwhelmed, I think. I think you start to get overwhelmed by it in like your mid, like 15, you know what I mean? Like it starts to drive up 13, 14, but I think by the time you're like 15, 16, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're super horny, uhm, you know, you're jerking off, I'm talking about no refract, you jerk off and then like you're still hard and then you go to school and you're just staring at girls and you're like, fuck. And then, yea, you get home, when you go to sleep, you're thinking about sex, you have wet dreams, right? Like, even if you're, like, it becomes overwhelming, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're, you start to like channel your energy. You know what I mean? Like in high school and stuff, you're playing sports and you're doing things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start to feel more, I guess, normal in your late twenties and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was still jerking off in your hair and in your pillows and your sheets, clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I can sense, I mean I'm 40, I can sense obviously a huge difference from being 25. Right, what does it feel like now? Like you feel like your brain is more normal, a little more calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and then now though with the, you know, the way that medicine and technology have progressed, as soon as men's testosterone wanes, we get it artificially. We're like, I need some tea, and then some guys stay crazy till they die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. Yeah, yeah, it's biological, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you realize that in that period, uhm, pretty much everybody knew what it was like to murder someone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause somebody would just like charge into your house and you'd just fucking, oh yeaah, I just, I just axed this guy's head off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. King did. Yeaah. And it was also a show for people. They were like, you wanna go watch the murderers today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be fun. Yeah. Like I thought I asked for ice coffee, not hot coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And their life seems reasonable. This is reasonable. I hope you enjoy this. I think you're going to like this quite a bit. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you realize? What just happened? First of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not only is it tonguing, it's fully tonguing her mouth. Fully tonguing. It's not like when a dog kind of licks your, your chin and your lip, it's like ha, it's like fully making out with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, the force that is right there, that those, that wolf cannot just tear your face off. It could crunch every bone in your body with a bite. Go right through the bones. Snap them in half. And she's like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to make this sexual, but I feel a lot of blow-bang vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just talking about blow bangs in general. No stature implied here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Completely out of her mind. That was, that is one of the craziest things I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody just doing- I mean, where did- Is this at a sanctuary? Or just like on the side of a fucking hill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was when the helicopter pilot called him the R-word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said he wanted to go and have me drop him off where the bears are. And I was like, this guy. You fucking retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't follow me on social media, you might not know that a few weeks ago I did a Sam Adams commercial and it was part of their campaign to toast someone. I toasted you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, the idea of toasting someone is exciting. I love the idea of toasting someone and saying that a lot of what I get credit for is because of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam Adams for me reminds me of friends and family. It's the perfect beer to toast somebody with. If I had a bunch of beers in my fridge and you just came over and I don't really know you, I'm not gonna give you one. I would save it for somebody of higher value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've chosen to toast my wife, Christina P. She's everything to me. I could think of nobody more deserving to be toasted. Hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For whatever reason, I guess for just the reason that comedians are kinda jerks to begin with. But it's probably not healthy. I kinda want to keep all those feelings buried deep inside forever. But, you know, I'm gonna go for it today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have just the most amazing life. Two beautiful boys, incredible career. All of it is directly tied to having you by my side. This is like real stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I married you, but it just turned out that you were more than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, if you're watching or listening now and you're like, what's going on? I want you to know that the show hasn't shifted. I mean, we're still, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know. I actually like, you know, here's the thing, it is true that I can stand it, like if you make a post on social media and you're in any way sincere, people right away are like, the fuck's wrong with you? And you're like, ah, sorry. Yeah, we're very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like our, you know, if you're a comic and you start doing sincere things, people get very, very upset. But it feels, it actually does feel good to express, you know, gratitude and all that. It just, we don't get to do it that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So no, I don't do that. But, but it is fun to express that. Like I always, I was talking about this with Birdie the other day, like how, you know, like I just wrapped up a tour basically. I mean, I still have a few dates left, but it's essentially done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to like express your gratitude for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the people that came out, the whole thing coming together, right? But, you know, I feel like in our world people are like, what? Stop being sincere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I've been getting fat injections in my sleep and no one's told me about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could've done parents. I was thinking, I was even thinking of blue band. Oh, yeah. Doing toast for you. Oh, that's very nice. Yeah. He does deserve a toast. His little nest. I was thinking of Bert too. I was thinking of him also because I stabbed him and people were like, Oh, your friend, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some exciting things to tell you guys, alright? I'm gonna be going on the road, uh, in 2020.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I have the Australia shows are sold out. There was a few tickets left in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, at the Ontario Improv, the Liberty Live in Oxnard, and Tempe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's in February, the 5th, the 13th, 20th of those. Spokane Comedy Club!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 21st and 22nd, those sold out the day they went on sale. Very, thank you very much for that. Uhm, that one show in Denver, just kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pop it in because I love that club. That sold out. And then I have a Vegas...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deal next year, I'll be at the Terry Phaetor Theater at the Mirage March 6th and 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm doing a weekend at the Ice House, March 13th and 14th. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to Dayton, the Funny Bone, the 19th and 20th, 21st, all, uh, of March. And then I have a date at the Brea Improv. If you are in the Brea area, I'm gonna be there in April, 9th, 10th, and 11th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I will also be doing some Spanish shows in Texas I'll be doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dallas, Houston, and Austin. All, those are all Spanish shows in April. Uh, also San Antonio, excuse me. And then back to Las Vegas in May. And finally,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One last club date, uhm, is going to be June 5th, 6th, yea 5th and 6th, excuse me, at the West Palm Beach Improv and I do one final Spanish show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miami Improv. So that's very exciting for me. Those are all at TomSegura.com slash Tor. Uhm, get your tickets now. I don't think most of them will be around a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Support for your mom's house comes from Manscape. The best in men's below the belt grooming, Manscape offers precision engineered tools


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For your family jewels. That's another way of saying you're dick and nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jingle balls to the walls. Listen, untrimmed pubes are a thing of the past. I remember just having mountains of hair. You'd have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Push them aside, and then find my penis in there. And then it looked like Popeye was just trying to peek out of the woods. And, arrr, and then he would eat his spinach, and he would grow big and strong, and he would puke milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now, you can see everything right out of the gate. Why? Because Manscapes Perfect Package 2.0 has kept my balls and dongs smooth and ready for your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's just like a fun place to watch it all go away and I naturally get aroused because I'm naked and then I start


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of fondling myself. The Lawn Mower 2.0 comes inside the Perfect Package 2.0, which makes for the perfect gift this holiday season. It literally has everything you need to keep trimmed, cut free, and smelling nice down there. And by down there, we mean in your testicle area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they also have the Crop Reviver. This product, along with the Crop Reserver, keeps your balls from sweating, smelling, and sticking, which is a real problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These products smell good, their manly scent is attractive and will help set the mood. The perfect package will also come with a pair of Manscaped boxer briefs that keep your junk feeling fresh all day. Upgrade!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom at Manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code MOM at Manscaped.com. That's 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I missed you. You were gonna be on our, uh, YouTube channel. I know, and you sent me explicit text and my lawyer said don't, fuck with that guy. You smartened up, you did your own thing. Uhm, but you're doing Whiskey Ginger. It's my podcast. Yeah, it's been doing really well. I know, uh, a lot of people love it. I've seen messages about it constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're hoping like, if we pump just like, specific kind of Jewish, Asian slurs, it locks those down, and then you kind of graduate different tiers from there, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to imagine how upset now an audience would be if he was like, nah, I'm just gonna, like a big audience. If he did a theater and he was like, just gonna keep it on tonight, they'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? The Mickey Mantle gene. What is the Mickey Mantle gene? That's something that he's proclaimed for years, that he can basically go on a bender and then wake up and be like, oh, run a marathon? Yea, I'll do that today. And he does though. He does. He does.


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[Assistant] He is, and I gotta tell you, I've been getting, I mean, worse and worse every year with recovery. So like, if I do have a few drinks, now I know that if I get over three drinks, I'm like, oh, the next couple days are shot. It's over. Yeah. But like he, no, he, he also built up a crazy tolerance. Don't forget that. You know, talking about Burt, like he can, it's not like,


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[Assistant] Do you say anything? Do you look at his dick? No, I just, uh...


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[Assistant] I was, I was admiring. I mean, how can you not? It's a specimen dude. It's like looking at a statue.


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[Assistant] Did you see his hog? No, he kept it kinda wrapped up. Really? Yea, but there was a, I kinda had a fantasy about us murdering this guy, uhm, cause we were, we were in the steam room and it's to Davion, me and this older white guy and the entire


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that the big thing that they did with like uhm, when, you know, you'll find with like a star who's a diva is like, you know, like Andrew and I are shooting, right? So we're, it's over his shoulder on me. And so like for me, he's given me his best and then I'm, you know, reacting, using it to do the scene. And then it's like, all right, we're switching to Andrew. Like, oh, we're switching to Andrew.


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[Assistant] Chris Knoth. Uh, so I flew with him and he said, uhm,


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[Assistant] He was on one of the Law and Orders for a while, and he was like, oh, it's the same fucking thing every week. And I was like, what? And he was like, oh god, it's just procedural. So he was like, do they got the purpose?


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[Assistant] Great. We need to talk to him. He's like, it's not acting. It's fucking bullshit. And I was like, all right. He goes, don't get me wrong. I set my up for life, my family and everything. I was like, oh, okay. But he's like, but it's not like, it's not challenging.


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[Assistant] It's Sam Morrell is on, it's S-A-M-M-O-R-R-I-L. Yeah, exactly. And, uh, he's on the morning news show. If you can, if you can actually, I won't ruin it, cause it's so fantastic. It's incredible.


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[Assistant] It's so good. He, where they ask him, they're like, did you always know you were going to be, did you always want to be a comedian? Uhm, go to YouTube.


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[Assistant] It's probably easier that way and type in, uh, Samorail morning news and I'm sure it'll be.


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[Assistant] And also you don't know how to do anything so that I fucking help you. This isn't the clip. So I think what would be better is if, uh, I know for sure it's on his Instagram. Yea it is. So go to his Instagram and we'll find it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you can close it. The sound is, the audio's not good, but if you, if you had trouble hearing it, they go, did you always know you were gonna be funny? He goes, no, but when I was a kid, I was molested by an uncle and he was funny. So it gave me superpowers like a Spider-Man origin story.


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[Assistant] If you don't, like, if you're not aware, those shows are so painful. And then they ask you, you know, they all ask you, like, did you always, were you funny in school? And you know, after you've heard it, you're kind of like, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Sure. Yep. Hilarious. That was very funny. Yeah. And then, as you know, with me, they were always like, now you do a podcast, with your, uhm, are you guys just cracking each other up all day? Nah, it's fine. All day. Yeah. It's really funny all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's where that came from. I started doing- The morning show, yeah. I started doing the morning show just to be a fuck off, you know, just, and then I come in with like, you know, chains and sunglasses and fur and they're like, what are you doing? And I was like, getting through this?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what? I always ask. I used to ask, and I used to make them type in things in the Chiron, like, so it says, like, the water champion. I would tell them, like, type this in. Because those guys would always be excited. They'd be like, okay, like, you're gonna make today fun for a minute. Yeah, yeah, because their job is so miserable. They have to write the same thing.


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[Assistant] Well, they're also telling you like, keep it peace, keep it clean. You're like, but that's not what they'll end up going. They're not going to see that. So you want me to mislead them into coming? And it's like, why?


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[Assistant] Well that's what I always laugh about, uhm, David Cross, where it's like the people who would like watch Arrested Development and they're like, let's watch the guy from Arrested Development!


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[Assistant] Bye. I'm kind of struck by if you want to do late night more than once, uh, now. Like I get doing it to be like I've done it. Yeah. But like if you're like, ah, I'm doing another late night, I'd be like, why? The New York guys do it. Does it help at all?


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[Assistant] You gotta be like the more pure joke writer, you know, where it's like set up, clear, punch, those are the jokes that kill.


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[Assistant] Oh, okay, alright, I thought you didn't, alright. Yeah, you shot himself in the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just had another porn comedian on a week ago. Who? Kate Kennedy. Oh yeaah. She does porn, she does comedy. We don't, we don't really. You do scenes there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I gotta say, I mean like, you know, you're a really good stand-up, uhm, do you not want to go all in on stand-up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was an amazing story. For people that don't know, like, just a little reminder, you, uh, I think you were on, were you in Appalachian Trail? That's exactly right.


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[Assistant] I always feel like it's so weird, um, sending video messages, you know? He only does. Yea, it's such a weird choice.


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[Assistant] This is unbelievable. No, I would say I thought he would smell not good.


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[Assistant] I think a few of those payments would just take care of it. I think, I think maybe, sounds like I don't want to get you upset, but it sounds like you might be taking advantage of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope it's not over... It's two and a half years. Two and a half years.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you've sent him over $200,000 on the car payments.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's unmatched, so if you just, you have a matched profile.


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[Assistant] I dunno, I think it's always a bad idea to reply with a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think he works in um, like PR marketing for a corporation because he's editing video at work. Uh huh. You know that he's gonna upload, he made that clear like I'm doing this. Oh yea, he said he's editing. Yea, and he said I'm gonna upload it to YouTube and he's showing the new, the whole reason he sent the video is because he's like, check out these fucking digs I just got, you know.


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[Assistant] Oh, well I have this other one lined up, but I'll go back to that one.


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[Assistant] This is a fuckin' math shooter on the way here.


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[Assistant] This guy's mad. He's mad at a lot. There's a lot of rage right, right below the surface there.


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[Assistant] Well he would tell you, he's like, why? I'm in shape. Killer V. I got a good V. I got new shades.


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[Assistant] What strikes me is his calmness, you know?


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[Assistant] This shit, it's like threats that are spoken, way scarier than a threat that is yelled, right? Like, I'ma fucking it. If someone's like, okay, why don't you come over here and find out?


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[Assistant] That's not, that's not that tall. No? For 600 pounds is probably, yea I think I would say that's even short maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do? You can cut them off, they grow back.


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[Assistant] Or I'll do like a switchblade. Oh cool. And just kinda, straight razors work too. Like cause I could trim the hair and then I'll just keep going and slice one off. They bleed a bunch and they'll bleed into her but then they heal and you get like a week without a wart and then they all grow back. A week without a wart.


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[Assistant] That's good, that's good. But it's worth it. Yeah. We're about to do the Christmas trimming. Oh you are. Oh is that a good day around the house? Take you through Christmas with no warts, always feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, we never tell ladies about it because you guys ruin everything. You do. What? Yep. There's fun that you know, and then there's guy fun, which you'll never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. You're six-holing each other? Mhm. The six-hole. Go look up the series. Uh, six-hole, six-hole series on- I don't wanna write that down. Yeah, you should. CNN made it. It's great.


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[Assistant] Wait till you see when Daddy Wolf, she said, gets upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, these wolves get fired up sometimes.


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[Assistant] Can you Google search, cause I saw this once, uh, the force of a wolf, you know, what is the force of a wolf bite? Cause it had the comparison, one of the stats that I saw, it was so mind blowing. A wolf's normal bite force is around 400 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Large cats, a jaguar can reach 700 pounds of pressure. A Siberian tiger at 950. So a wolf that is defending or protecting itself, 1200 pounds of pressure. I mean that's snapping through fucking steel. That's a car, you can snap a car in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you would actually go on the first date and then learn this and be like, oh I don't want to see her anymore. You know, like you would think that she's... Imagine that fucking date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I'll just go out, like, on the side of a mountain. Oh, I love hiking. And, uh...


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[Assistant] I mean, this kid looks like me at 11. I don't know what the fuck, how he got this way.


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[Assistant] This is almost like, not mimicable, what he's doing.


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[Assistant] I mean, he goes on, he actually has like lines, like set up. You know what I mean? Like, ball mains.


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[Assistant] Oh, by the way, we have been told if you're just listening and not watching, this kid we've been playing is white. Oh yea, I figured we should probably make sure that's the point.


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[Assistant] I don't miss other people. Or when like you, when somebody has just smoked, and you get like a, like a stank whiff of them, you're like, ugh. Then I don't miss it. Don't miss that. But the feeling. Cigarette breath is tough.


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[Assistant] Andrew, are you gonna be road-dogging it soon? What's going on? Uuuh, yeah, I'm doing uhm, look at that.


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[Assistant] Congratulations. Thank you, man. You should go see, uh, Santino. He's hilarious. Hilarious comedian. Thank you, dude. Really good. Thank you, guys. And, uh, that's gonna be great for you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait till he sees Rick's latest video. And the highlight video that's created of Andrew reconnecting with his old boyfriend. You guys are gonna go, what the fuck is this all about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, we'll see you soon. Thanks for coming today. Thank you guys. Thanks Andrew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Larry Nash. He was an ATF informant. A guy worked for me, shot him, and they panicked and dumped him on my farm. I had a crazier partner than me. He said, let's just cut up and burn him. So we burned him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, ta ta there, TikToks. Thank you for joining us today. To my right, my sweet love of my life, fire of my loins, is still on tour in Europe. Uh, but kindly today, Ryan Sickler is here to co-host. Thank you. I'm excited to be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you who don't already know, Ryan is a part of the Studio Jeans family and you may check him out on the Honeydew Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. It's highlighting the lowlights in life. So you guys talk about the tough stuff that you've somehow turned and made into something positive, which is awesome.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's get into it. Uh, so we got this wonderful opening clip. As you know, I'm a fan of the talk.


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[Assistant] Ta ta there, TikToks. How much do you love that girl?


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[Assistant] Nerds always get bullied and trolled, and like, they think the way to stop it is to be like, stop calling me!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his primary gig. He is not an accountant. Right?


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[Assistant] And I think, you know what I got, honestly, I think everybody at some point gets bullied in their life. And now, the worst thing you can try to do is to stop the world from bullying. Because, you know what I'm saying, it's like uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like trying to stop dumb people. Like we're gonna put an end to, or something that's not stoppable. We're gonna end all fires. We're gonna end the whole war. It's not gonna happen. So you gotta teach your kids to just beat the fuck out of somebody.


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[Assistant] That's right. But in school now, the kid gets in trouble for hitting back. Did you know that? Your daughter will get suspended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% and, and some people don't have the luxury of being raised by nice loving parents and that's how they become bullies. So you're talking about a really bigger problem other than like stop people from making comments. Okay, good luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, some girl used to beat the, uh, there's a story I did on Comedy Central, this is not happening, our show where I talk about this girl Rosina, was that her name? Did I just say her name? Yeah. And, uh, she used to bully me in the, in the locker room. And you know what I did?


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[Assistant] That's all you gotta do. That's all you gotta do is just swing, man. Okay. So as you see, my beloved Tom is out, uhm, and we have such a major, awesome YMH update.


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[Assistant] So they're in Amsterdam right now, Josh Potter and Tommy, and this is the video Tom sent us today, what's going to be happening later tonight.


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[Assistant] Oh, there you have it. So as you know, Josh Potter can't come.


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[Assistant] And, uh, it's fascinating. There you go. As you can see, so the women, they kind of, they stand in these glass boxes with doors on them, and they, and inside that little room, there's a sink and a bed, and then they open the door, they knock on the glass, and they kind of cat call to the men.


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[Assistant] Walking through the streets and it's just rows and rows and rows and rows and a lot of these are really beautiful women from the Ukraine.


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[Assistant] From all over, I think Yoshi loves Amsterdam, uhm, for this reason. And, what's really cool, did you ever see the alarm go off?


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[Assistant] So what happens sometimes if a John skips out and doesn't pay and an alarm goes off and you see the pimps and all like, these women are protected and the cops and everybody, they run and they get the guy and they beat the shit out of him. It's pretty fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I'm so curious to see which one of these fine ladies, uh, Josh will choose. Now when I was there too, I believe I asked, I asked one of the prostitutes what her rate was and I think she said 50 or 60 euro for anything. And that was in the red light district.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I'm curious which chick he's gonna pick.


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[Assistant] Cause they are very aggressive. I have a feeling.


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[Assistant] He's gonna go for the one, cause they, it's like a musical. They,


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[Assistant] They knock on the door, hey baby, hey baby, and then they'll be like, come here, come here, you with the hat, you with the glasses, you look like you da-da-da-da-da-da. They do solicit. So I have a feeling it's going to be a woman who's very persistent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Persuasive. I don't know what Josh's type is. Does he have like, does he like blondes or brunettes? Do we know? I think he just likes vaginas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I am so excited. Tom sent in a second video, did he not? Yeaah, there was a second one. Go check your email. He said he sent in a second one. Uhm, have you ever seen a hooker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the great part about Amsterdam and that district is like, look, this is always going to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ahhhh. So I don't think there's a follow up to- No, he said another vid to play. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, okay, sorry, just making sure we didn't miss out on a word of my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't solve the problem. I think the problem is intimacy. I think he needs to really connect with somebody and then, and feel loved and supported and then he can relax.


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[Assistant] But you don't have much time. Like you get in there and... Sorry, what were you going to say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I gotta tell you, so you saw those booths, right? They're literally tiny glass rooms like the one you guys are in.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna suggest Tom do more than one, because if he can't come with one,


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[Assistant] And maybe him getting so pent up and built up, like he's gonna have to release. That's the method! That's the method, right? Like he's gonna have to jizz at some point, otherwise it's gonna hurt. Right? You can get blue balls if you don't bust nuts.


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[Assistant] No, no, if he doesn't bust with the first one, hold that nut, you're not allowed to touch it. We're gonna ride this bitch until you bust nuts. That's one of these bitches. We're just gonna go down the road, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait to get the update. I cannot wait to get the update. We have a fun clip. Uhm, let's tee this up. What's going on here in Adob?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, there's a guy behind a jewelry ca- looks like a counter of some kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's just a guy casually standing there at a cash register and there's just a pile of shit under him and he's in flip-flops. And he's standing in the poo. Dude, why do you wear flip-flops? Never wear flip-flops in public!


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[Assistant] Oh god, yeah, he goes, you know what it is? Eyebrows don't even raise. And I saw the pant waffle, like I saw the movement of the short, so I think he went to fart and he sh- and he sharted. Look, look, watch the wind. Oh, well, we- there's a- there's a slight- We'll start at the beginning again. Yeah, let's look at the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, cause I've done this. This is exactly what happens when you brown like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause one time I was standing in the kitchen without underwear on and I was wearing my pajama bottoms and I farted and this exact thing happened but didn't come out the bottom. I just sharted all over my legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just like that. Yes. And I, cause I had pizza the night before from this place. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, it's shocking at first, cause you're trying in your mind, you're like, yeah, but I just farted, there's no way there's brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he does, yeaah, but at the first moment of denial, see he's farting, he's pushing, there it is, there's the wind, oh, oh, and now, now he knows, he looks down, he confirms it, oh fuck, and he's looking around like, did anyone see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, I might do what he's doing actually. It's just being like...


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[Assistant] This is why I get so upset when I see people wearing flip flops in the streets.


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[Assistant] I'm serious, like when I go to New York City in the middle of summer and I see people walking in flip-flops, I'm like, there is nasty shit on the floor. There's fucking hypodermic needles, garbage, dog shit, human shit. You gotta wear shoes, bro! You could shit your pants!


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[Assistant] Astonished actually I was and just how sensitive and intelligent and wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I love him. His stories are amazing. Let's do Tommy's dates first since I did mine first last time. Okay, Tom Segura out on the, uh, the road. God damn, my sweet love, my sweet fire love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so he is in Amsterdam tonight, he's gonna be in Paris, London, Salford, Dublin, Kingston, New York, 11-6 he returned, and then November 7th he's in New York again. Uh, two shows, they added a show at the Beacon Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Ben Salem, Pennsylvania on the 8th of November. That's our band of smurferny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then November 9th, Buffalo, New York, uh, the 10th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Syracuse at the Landmark Theatre, November 13th, Charlotte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the 30th, he's in Miami, and then we go into December, holy shit, Erie, Columbus, Columbus, Grand Rapids, and then Windsor-Montereo, my birth, that is my birth city, woop woop, and then Honolulu for New Year's, very exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets for Tommy are TomSegura.com. Uh, myself, I'm gonna be doing flappers in the Yoohoo room of residency every Thursday. Come see me. I'm just like throwing shit against the wall. I'm just talking to people in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, figuring it out. Uh, Seattle, Portland, November 22nd and 23rd, tickets are almost completely gone for that. And then into 2020.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let's do this, January 30th, Houston Improv, March 13th, Miami Improv, March 26th, Addison Improv in Dallas, April 3rd and 4th, Carolines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 24th and 25th, Des Moines at the Finding Bound in Iowa. And then June 12th through 13th, Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. Tickets at Christina P. online. Thank you very much. God bless you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, merch. Do we have anything to plug wise, merch wise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out the store, uh, TomSagura.com slash visit merch store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enjoy this part coming up with Jakob Smyrna. Thank you for listening, downloading, and ta-ta, there are TikToks. Until next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to have this guest with us here today. I feel like you are a huge part of my life. My parents adored you. I adore you. Grew up with you. And I can't believe I'm having like the privilege to sit here and be in the same space as you. So please welcome Yakov Smirnoff. Come on everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my parents, my parents essentially, you know, we had to learn to speak Russian, the Russian, the communist didn't allow freedom of religion or any of that stuff and food was hard to come by. It was a very messed up time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but they escaped and seeing you on television and you were from, what part of Russia are you from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, which is by the way something that the communists did, they came and they, the government would take over private property, right? Exactly. So now if you had a nice big house, let's say you were a successful person,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The government would go, well guess what, we're gonna take this house, and now all these other families are gonna come live with you. That's right. So the government would take over, which is, yeah, crazy, crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my dad said, I want to come to America because of that. He would get that one show. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is also during the Cold War, yea. So, so we're Americans kind of like, whoa, Ruski, kick rocks. You know what I'm saying? Like we don't. I never felt that, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you and I discussed at the Comedy Store briefly the culture of monitoring other people's language, censoring comedians, and what we just had with the SNL thing, a kid getting fired before he was hired because of some stuff he said on a podcast years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, how do you feel about that too? Cause you grew up in that culture as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad told me a story, cause it's, at school they tell the little children, report your parents, if you hear even your parents saying something, and it happened next door. Some kids just, you know, you make a comment and tell me you have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're going to the com, you're a carpenter by day and then you're at the store like every night watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kind of makes sense. I mean, what kind of material are you doing in Branson?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I imagine because the Midwest can be very conservative. Yes. So it kind of goes back to your initial training as a stand-up in some way. Yes, you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sandwiches, blowjobs, check check. Not in that order, right, not in that order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I will say, I knew Tom was the one for me when we watched this documentary about Timothy Treadwell, the guy who likes to camp with grizzly bears. It was called Grizzly Man. And it was a sad scene, I think, where he's getting mauled by a bear.


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[Assistant] That's huge, and I think wanting to keep up with somebody else's needs, it's the want to prove.


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[Assistant] And that's really the essence of a good relationship is personal responsibility. Instead of blaming your spouse for your unhappiness, I see, cause I do, my parents I think did that, like,


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[Assistant] They were so angry inside themselves, and they would lash out at the other person. Like, this motherfucker, he's doing everything wrong. It's like, yeah, but that's not-


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[Assistant] Football sandwiches, BJ. Nut tucker. Admiration. Admiration. And I like that word.


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[Assistant] You feel it? Well it's, it's like mommy's, I mean I hate to be too Freudian, but it is, it's mommy's initial approval, right? It's the gaze of the approving woman, you know? I don't know, I tie it back to like, I love my sons and I'd hope that one day my sons will marry a woman who admires them the way


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like they look at them lovingly the way I do. Not with disdain or, you want a woman who will be like, this guy's the best. This guy's the best.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Tushy. Now look, most of the population that hasn't been in some sort of catastrophic accident has an ass.


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[Assistant] And we all deserve to keep it relatively clean.


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[Assistant] I don't know about you, but in the last few years


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[Assistant] I have really fallen in love with my Tushy. Why? Because I have these big messy chocolates that come out of my backside.


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[Assistant] I want a fire hose to go back there and clean it up. Yeaah. Yeaah. That's what I want. I want you to become a scrum master. And the only way is to have a tushy that gets the poop off of your booty hole. Okay? I'm not gonna use paper. No.


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[Assistant] This is such a sleek bidet attachment. It just clips on to your existing toilet and it sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water. Okay? It's not toilet water.


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[Assistant] On bacteria that leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes, and skin marks. I can't help you with warts, but it can remove a lot.


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[Assistant] The days are common in the rest of the world. I don't know why the US has been so behind on this. And it saves you money on toilet paper. You know, you still use a little toilet paper, but it's negligible, you know? It's like, it's a little amount. So...


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[Assistant] Friggin' Tushy is only $79. This is an amazing deal. Go to HelloTushy.com.


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[Assistant] Slash your mom, get 10% off your order. I, I can tell you, we put this, the tushy in to the bathroom that's right off the kitchen. So I can just eat a meal, go dump and then clean everything off in, in five steps. It's perfect. I love it.


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[Assistant] Here's what you gotta do. Go to hellotushy.com slash your mom and clean your butthole off.


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[Assistant] Alright, welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. There's a number of


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[Assistant] If they are onto us, we're gonna get into it, cause it's pretty serious actually. And I don't know where they are, so I'm trying to keep my eye on them.


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[Assistant] I'm looking at you, YouTube. Huh? You see me?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but right now they're just, you know, I mean, they're, fits like a glove.


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[Assistant] Full coverage. They give you full coverage and also no one can sneak on your eyes to see where you're looking.


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[Assistant] They look like they were made for you. You look just like the crazy fucking people I see on the bus stops.


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[Assistant] A little bit, yeaah. We are all a little hungover. Uhm, should we just play our clip and get into everything?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I have a yellow pair on my nightstand. Just in case there's a noise at night, I'll put them on and I go look at it with my safety glasses on.


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[Assistant] It's happening on this very YouTube channel. If you listen to the show, you know, you don't probably pick up on this, but if you're a YouTube viewer of this show,


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[Assistant] Have you noticed that, uh, the last few episodes, this is how I started to pick up on this, okay? So, episode 528, a few weeks ago, it was a solo episode, you and I, and it had a very notably low view count within a day, within a day or two. So I hit up Nadav, and I was like, what's going on?


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[Assistant] And, uh, he said, oh, this episode got flagged. So what happens is a lot of views.


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[Assistant] Well this is important, I gotta keep my glasses on while I'm doing this. Okay, this is the only way I feel comfortable talking about this. So...


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[Assistant] Okay, sorry. Uhm, what happens is, the episode got flagged, so then it reduces the amount that gets put into the algorithm. In the, you should watch, right? So, it happened again on the next episode. I'm like, what's going on?


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[Assistant] They're gonna come down on people making fun of gender, uh, pronoun, anything related to the whole topic could get you in trouble.


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[Assistant] I mean, this does feel nuts, man. We can't do a comedy show. They're flagging our show full of jokes because they're like, oh.


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[Assistant] Someone might not like it, and what if they haven't decided what fluid gender pronoun they are today? And then they're like, oh, don't make fun of it. I'm not making fun of it, but I'm just saying. We can't even make a comment about it.


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[Assistant] So are we gonna end up having to do basically a show where we get to release the show on audio as is and then we make a like a YouTube friendly version that's 9 minutes long.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I thought so, even when like that guy was fucking that McRib, you know?


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm sorry, I just got a little apprehensive when I heard you say the F word a moment ago.


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[Assistant] I remember when I did that. I did that Pearl Harbor military show and they were like, don't make fun of the military.


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[Assistant] I think we might have to. Let's try right now. Let's try. To do a YouTube friendly show? Let's try for a few minutes.


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[Assistant] Welcome to your mom's house. Let's watch a video, it's fun.


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[Assistant] Sure. Uh, we can talk about how I accidentally trimmed my beard.


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[Assistant] That's right, Studio Jeans Christmas party, excuse me, holiday party, uh, 2019. Way to go. Look at him, look at us.


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[Assistant] We got all dressed up to go to the Magic Castle. Yeaah. And if you're looking, if you're watching, that's, uh, yours truly, Christina, Annie, Nadav, Chris, and Ali, and, uhm,


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[Assistant] Yeah, he had stomach flu. He got it from, uh, uh, an AIDS patient. So...


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[Assistant] I was like, oh, the lady that lives in the gutter. Alright, so, we were, okay, so yesterday, very busy day, and, uh, made time to go to the gym, and before we had our big night out, so I go to the gym, come home, and you're like, hey, you gotta get ready. I was like, alright, so.


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[Assistant] About to jump in the shower, I was like, I should just trim up, like, clean up my beard.


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[Assistant] And, you know, when you're kind of spent, like you start, when you're tired after the gym, you're like, you might not pay as close of attention to what you're doing because you're, you know, you're tired. So I was like, all right, I see the clippers.


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[Assistant] I swear that I see the number two guard. I think what I did was I saw it and then I forgot to put it on. Like I looked at it. I was like, that's the two guard. And then I grabbed the clippers and then I went, I go like, I hear myself go.


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[Assistant] Yep, and I trimmed off. I had a one guard on it, so it trimmed everything off.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And then, and then Nadav goes, it's cool, uh, I, I can say that because I'm Jewish. And she goes, oh, I'm not, I just fucking hate them.


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[Assistant] She was, uh, she was also, she was like, I hate all that shit. You know, they're so annoying.


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[Assistant] Cause uh, Nadav had his new also self-hating Jew friend that he made at the bar. Uhm, but that was fun. And then we go upstairs and we had an amazing dinner.


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[Assistant] Really good. In which any paid me the greatest compliment I've ever been paid by.


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[Assistant] Everybody in here at the table, everybody at the dinner last night had to say which, uhm,


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[Assistant] Which, which, uh, cool guy they were. You had to respond first thought that came to mind.


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[Assistant] And then Eni said he was, uh, uh, Tony John, right?


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[Assistant] That's your alter ego. That's the cool guy you are. Which one is native?


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[Assistant] Right. Uh, we thought maybe she's, uh, Rain Florence?


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[Assistant] I'm gonna be like, if you wanna have sex, it may feel good. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So anyways, we decided which cool guys we were. We wrapped up an amazing dinner. They do a really good job at the Magic Castle. If you're ever...