[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They actually, I mean, they did some really incredible, like incredible music things from a group, especially like a hip hop group where at first, you know, it is like that boombox kind of sound and then it's like a party thing and then they got into like, they're musicians, they end up playing instruments. They picked up, you know, guitars and drums, like actual live instruments playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they were basically, they were college age kids going out with Run DMC and Public Enemy at the height of that. So they're like, they're like figuring it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, I think too. I heard that it's phenomenal. They followed it for three years. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first of all, I think everyone's had the thought, someone's a dick, you go, you just stop yourself. You know, you just don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So, he played his entire NBA career throughout. Like, it feels like, I'm like, he's been just playing basketball my whole life. Yeah. But, so when I was in high school, before he transferred to like Oak Hill, uhm, or wherever it was up in Carolina or Virginia, he played it in Daytona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A local kid, you know, he wasn't Vince Carter, he was just like a kid. And it's like they're showing his, and he's doing reverse windmills and shit, and we're 16, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could end up playing against this guy in a game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that somebody, somebody told me that like he was like, uh, I think playing a pickup game with someone, like somebody in entertainment, and they were like, hey man, like you gotta dial it back a little bit, like we're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just before we open this, just tell them, like, give them an idea of what's about to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this is all stuff that's on TikTok that a lot of people never get to. It just doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't fall into their algorithm. But Christina finds it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happens is, like, she'll pull somebody saying something ridiculous, like whatever. So we played one, and the guy was, then the guy found out he was on the show and was like, hey that's not- I'm a character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look. But yeaah, we admit it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the thing is like being an adult now, I just go like, oh the enjoyable thing is to have a glass of wine with dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's real dog shit money. Yeaah. Like they give you, like you see the paycheck and you're like, did I make $93 this week? Like I drove five days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, well, you gotta calculate. And you're like, oh my god. Yeah. I started smoking. It's a horrible gag. Wow. I started smoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you enjoy like the, I guess the discipline or like kind of like the mental part of Ramadan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like he's been asking for a while. You know, he probably was like, hey, you posted my car. She's like, I thought you were in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll take you to the guys and I'll take you like, immigrant style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but don't forget, I want to hear it. For real? Yea, I want to hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the coordination. I know. I feel like I should have some dollars. That was like a real show. It was awesome. The core strength was incredible. That's total core strength. Yes, thank you. Good, good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a lane of TikTok. The man teaching other man. Oh, there's this whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you say your sad, but you'll be surprised to know this is a very happy, fulfilled man. And his life is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, you can see the sadness in his face. What is it? Oh, it's in 592. Oh yea, this one will probably make you more sad. Let's show you this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was holding on to it and then he went to the bathroom and checked the picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you misrepresent yourself in the photo. What? Just think that and then just go home. But I thought they were vibing. Just vibe. Just finish the vibe. Finish the vibe. Finish the vibe. And then when she's like, I had a lot of fun, you go, me too. And then you go home and you're like, I'm never calling her again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't just be like, yeah. It could have been like, if you let yourself vibe with someone who you don't think is objectively attractive, or even subjectively attractive, like to you, you could still end up being attracted to them later. Absolutely. But I'm saying- Vibes the X factor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where can people, where do you want people to go? Where should they go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna, will you, will you come by? I'll hit you up. Really? Yeaah. Oh shit. I'll hit you up. Closing song today is the Big Titted Animal song by, uh, Matthew, what is it? Call your wife a big titted animal and see how she reacts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, that's a spouse. But that's real. She's also like, yo, that's not, that looks ridiculous. Yeah. She was telling you to return the verbally. Seems ridiculous. Black diamond. Yeah. It was not expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, thank you so much for coming in, this was a lot of fun. Thank you, you're so much fun. What are these books? They're just things we've read and written. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It's just that deck. It's all prop? Yeah. Okay. They're actual real books. For real? But I've never opened one. Okay. Thanks for having me. You buy them by the yard. Yeah, you do? Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my love, please. Can I make another tooth? PLEASE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this mukbang, uh, mukbang is a very popular, uh, video type. Oh, it's been on the talk for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baby girl, when you see this, it's time for my foot in five baby. You know, I like doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would I hit it? Uh, she's like 70. I ain't gonna hit it, but I'd pay for that car wash though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember my dad driving me to junior high? The segment that was playing was a guy who was a guest who brought in three different types of dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he claimed he could guess what breed dog the dog shows from and if he got it wrong he would eat the shit on the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, one of my jobs before doing stand-up in the Stern Show, I worked in this souvenir liquor store in downtown Fremont Street, Vegas, right? Was owned, was owned by Israeli guys, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Israelis would come in there occasionally, and I had a rule with the people I worked with. I said, when Israelis come into the store, I'm not Israeli. Do not tell them I'm Israeli. I don't want to talk to them. Leave me out of it. And he'd say, why? I said, because every time I meet them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same two questions. Is this your store? Can I get a discount? Same two questions, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one night, I'm, I, it's, it's 12 o'clock, and I yell to the security guard, who's Israeli, I tell him to close the door, I go, it's going to be dead. And he shuts the door, and I'm stocking film, I'm putting stuff away, and I hear this voice behind me in Hebrew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's in Hebrew, he's asking me, can I get a roll of film? And I don't turn around, like I don't hear, I don't know what he's saying. Say it in Hebrew, say it in Hebrew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't, I don't turn around and he says again, and I turn around and I go, are you talking to me? And he goes, yes. And I said, uh, I don't understand what you're saying. He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then finally, so he believes me, and he starts with his English, and his jaw is shaking, he's, uh, I need, uh, 200, uh, speed film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I worked in that store for two years. I met people from my homeroom class in high school. They didn't ask for a fucking discount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't ask for shit. They paid, they said it was great to see you, take care. That's hilarious. It's like just cause you're from Israel and I'm from Israel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always, I remember being a kid flying to see family in Israel when we moved here to the States with my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my mom's smoker, so this was back in the day, you could smoke on the flights. And she'd be in the back smoking. And I remember all the Hasids get up and they go to the window at sunrise and they all start davening. Like mental patients.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Your arms are right. There's a Hebrew school teacher and a rabbi a few blocks away from us, like kinda in our area. My wife tells me, did you see there's a rabbi and a Hebrew? We should invite them over. I go, don't you dare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, orthodox Jewish couple, I had a middle seat and they were the seat mates. And I tried, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you guys look really happy. I go, you probably want to talk. You know, I'm fine with the window or the aisle. And right away she, you know, turns on the charm. I want the window and he wants the aisle. So, I, I'm fucking stuck. I, I throw the AirPods in and we take off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I wake up like a half hour later, the husband is standing in the aisle and he's handing me a fucking baby that they didn't have with them when the plane took, so I don't know what the fuck's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the kicker, I take the things out, and he doesn't go, hey, I'm sorry. He goes, no, he goes, hand the baby to my wife. Right? Like, that's a gift. What? Wow. And I go, no. Like that, and he says to his wife in Hebrew, not knowing that I speak it, he says, which means that's why I hate them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want him to translate? You want me to tell you? You tell me. It means go fuck your mother and her asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York, they're super aggressive too, like when I was working at the office, I'd go and get lunch, and the guy would be like, you know, standing outside on a Friday, and he'd go, uh, You Jew? Like that. And I'm like, what the fuck happened to the ish at the end of this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking little, it's a wrap that goes around your arms, got a prayer box in it, right? This is just a guy, like on the street? Yea, he's like trying to, it's like a recruiter. Yea, I got you. Like you're gonna go, really? There's a thing I can wrap on my arms? Sign me up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I go, no, I'm good. And he goes, and he grabs my arm. He's like, I could put it, and I go, the fuck off of me, dude. I said, I'm, you know, I'm going to Wendy's, get a Baconator. I'm the wrong fucking Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love being Jewish, I love my culture, I love my history, my family's history, my, my parents met in the army, they, they fought for the state of Israel, but you know, I'm proud enough to call us annoying when we're fucking annoying, and we are, we're just bushy. Wow. Alright. I respect it man. You have cable, you have black box, you want? I give you now, 1400 channels, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Abba's dad. Right. And Abba, my mom with all three of us, I've told her brother, she taught us all the first words to say is Abba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I asked her, I said, why? She says, because when you wake up in the middle of the night, you call him, not me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like some of the best advice and some of the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Process like the, like the delivery of it. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I would stay up late to watch Carson in my room, right? I was like 11, 12. I hear my dad coming so I pretend to be asleep and he would stand by my head and I'd just see like his torso. He would just stand there for like 10 seconds. He wouldn't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd just be sitting there with my eyes cracked on this really fucking weird. And then he'd tell me in Hebrew, he'd say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which means you can't scare a hooker with a dick. He would tell me that as I pretended to go to sleep. And I would start laughing immediately. And that's how he would catch me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, uh, he's old school, my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, mine's all school American. Yeah, yeah. Do they, your parents still argue in their native?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember my mom telling my dad in Hebrew to take a popsicle out of the freezer, shove it up your ass, eat it, and tell me what it tastes like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom called my dad a retarded goat fucker from the north once in Hebrew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which always stuck with me because I'm always like, why do you have to specify the north?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they live in Vegas, uh, they, you know, once a week I get the call to kill all buzzes or happiness. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're like, my dad is just a delivery system of bad news. Like that's, he lives to share horrific bad stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I never sat with him on a flight before, and I realized when I sat with him that he's nervous, he's scared of flying, because he won't shut up, he won't stop talking. But here's where that factors in, right? He could be talking about anything, but what's he sharing with me? Airline crash statistics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As we're getting ready to take off, yeaah. And he's been in wars, so he's, he's loud, so like three rows around are getting these fun facts, you know? And he's, 1998, Sioux City, Iowa! You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Screaming at the phone. 114 people. Half the plane lived, half the plane died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she met him, she's like, holy shit! He's from Romania, originally. Oh. And so, it's all like, you know, my friends used to call the house when I was going to school, and they'd go, I'd pick up, I'd go, alo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friends would just hang up and be like, he's just this, he's like, it took me years to realize what a gem of a sense of humor this man has. Cause you're too close to that situation. You don't see it sometimes. That's fucking funny. Yeah. That's legit. And then my mom is just this animal. She's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She keeps everybody on, everybody's terrified of her till this day. You know, she makes fucking snap judgement calls on people in a second. She's like, does it terminate us? I don't like your friend Dan. Immediately. Why? They didn't say goodbye when he left last time. Don't talk to him anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are, let me tell you man, they are fuckin' old. On board with it, I'm sure, right? Yeaah, yeaah. I dated a black girl when I was, uh, 16. And that's the angriest I've ever seen my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you sad? Everyone is sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife is just, I'm like, huh? She's like, stop with the huh. I'm gonna fucking stab you in the forehead if I hear it one more time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, when I see this, I can't hear. I'm deaf in one ear. I went shooting with my dad, uh, and a friend years and years ago. No ear protection. Really? Oh yeah. No ear protection. They were laughing about it on the way home. My ear's ringing and the guy on my left is talking to me. I can't hear. It's all hum. It's all hum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. He never- I broke my toe once. I go, Dan, I broke my toe. He goes, I've never heard of that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I broke my shoulder and drove myself to the hospital. Really? Yeah. And then I came home, I'm like broke my shoulder playing football and he goes, how do you do this? Like what am I having? Do I have an ulterior motive here? Am I hiding something from you? I just want you to help me then. You see I'm in a sling? This is official.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he definitely was, it was, I remember it took me by surprise the show and how, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I, I, I remembered my dad driving me to junior high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put the show on, I go, you gotta listen to the show. I go, I'm gonna be on the show one day. Really? Now check this out. The segment that was playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was a guy who was a guest who brought in three different types of dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he claimed he could guess what breed the dog shit, what breed dog the dog shit is from and if he got it wrong he would eat the shit on the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but yeaah, I was drawn to it immediately and I was a fan for over a decade before I ever called in. That's wild. Yeaah, and, and it was funny, uh, you know, I just decided one night, they said they were coming to Vegas, I was living in Vegas at the time, they said we're coming to Vegas to broadcast from the Hard Rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I said I'm gonna call in, I'm gonna try to get on, and literally it just, I dialed the number, it rang, I got put on hold, uh, I got on before the call ended. He's like, alright, you can come play a hand of blackjack with us at the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was working at this souvenir liquor store run by Israelis. So I brought every penny to my name, which was $300. We get an 11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all playing one spot on the table, right? We get an 11, now everybody wants to double down and I don't have any more money, and Howard stakes me another 300, dealer busts, everybody wins, and I go home and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, this is my job now, like I'm gonna call these guys everyday, I'm gonna figure out-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something, a game, uh, an impression, whatever I can come up with I'm gonna call in and I just wanna play ball with these guys and maybe someday down the road I'll get an opportunity to do something with them. And you would call every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, and my ratio was pretty good. Like I would get on a lot. There would be a couple days where I wouldn't, but I would get on a lot. My calls would last a long time. Like I'd be on for like 10, 15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the actual getting hired. So, so he, he announces that he's going to Sirius at some point, and I'm in Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and in my head I'm going, okay, and he says, I'm gonna let regular listeners, you know, regular callers, whack packers, I'm gonna give them shows, I'm gonna give them a chance to do stuff that's serious. So in my head I'm going, alright, I gotta learn how to do radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he's gonna give me a shot. So me and two comedy buddies of mine, we went and rented internet airtime on this internet channel and we did a radio show every Saturday for two hours. I wanted to make sure that I didn't, I didn't get in front of a mic and just go, uh, you know, and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we did that for about a month and then this one day I get a phone call from this guy Tim Sabian who ended up being the program director for Howard. I remember Tim Sabian. And he goes, uh, hey, I want you, I want you to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he goes, I can't talk to you about it over the phone, but I need you to fly out. And I'm thinking it's Sal or somebody fucking with me. So I'm like, Sal, if you're fucking bullshitting me right now, I'm gonna fuck you up. And he's like, I'm not kidding you. He says, come out here, fly out, I'll explain everything tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I'm doing comedy full time, which means I'm making no money. Yeah. I move back in with my folks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta go to my dad, and I go, can you get me a plane ticket to New York? For when? For tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Till this day, I talked to him three weeks ago, I said, you remember when you got me that? Nine hundred and forty dollars. Remembers it till this day. Does not let me forget it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get on the plane ticket with two weeks worth of clothes for a one week uh, audition. I get on the plane. I land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they bring me into this boardroom with all these reporters. This is for this Howard 100 News that he had. And these are all legit reporters. And the one thing they don't know is the show. They're not psychotic super fans. Like myself. And like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they literally said you need to teach them who's who and what's what on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then day two, I kind of shot my wad on day one. I was so excited and I realized I kind of taught him everything. What am I going to do? How do I stay here more than a week? So I snuck a recorder out and I went out to Times Square and I'd been doing standup for years before this. So I went out and I talked to people about Howard, but I did crowd work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever their answer was, I made it funny. Or tried to. And I brought it back to the news director at the time and I played it for her. And within 15 seconds she goes, this is fantastic. I'm putting this on the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Howard at this point hadn't even gotten a series yet, he was still under contract on Terrestrial. So Howard 100 News was the only thing on Howard's channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So to hear that now this is gonna get played on the air, for me it was like, okay, now I gotta learn all of this shit. I gotta learn how to edit audio, I gotta learn how to interview people, I gotta learn how to do-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, if they would have said we need somebody to shine shoes in the bathroom, I would have stayed for that too. So it was about staying there and not leaving. I didn't want to go back to Vegas. Didn't want to go back to my folks. And a one week audition lasted a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went back home because I asked him if I could get more clothes and I brought back a ton of clothes and I worked for a full year and now this news team was about 20 people when I started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the back office and I was friendly with a lot of the whack pack. They like to come to my comedy shows. So it just was a natural fit for me to just kind of be the conduit between those guys and the show. And that still continues to this day except I don't have the connection to the show but they do not stop contacting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I ended up jumping on the grenade and rooming with him, which...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think I got a great book in me. Yeah. Weekends Would Beat, I think would be a smash hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well for him, cloudy, a little bit, you know, he, I'll tell you a fun story, we were, we were in uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we were in St. Louis and he just, you know, he disappears a lot. Yeah. And we were just kinda like, where's Vito? And about five minutes before the show starts, he just walks into the hotel room that him and I have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is impressive, cause he's not good at reading the numbers, so a lot of times he's trying to get into the wrong rooms. And uh, and he comes in, and he's got a, like a CVS bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With ice on it, in it, and a, and a fish on the ice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes and he changes his underwear and, uh, and then about the next seven minutes I'm trying to convince him not to pack it in a suitcase to bring back to Jersey. Oh. Yeah. And, uh, and then- Oh my god, there's so many things I've


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With him is great if you get to the room first. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't just let this guy alone, like somebody's gotta keep an eye on him. And you know, I'd worked summer camps before as a molest, as a counselor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so I had no problem. It was so interesting to watch a movie with him. I'm high, right? And then when I'm done getting high, I pass it to him. Yeah. Cause there's no passbacks. No. And uh, and then the movie would come on and he'd be like, watch this shit! Watch this shit! And he's explaining to you what's about to happen and none of it happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We put on ESPN Classic, uh, Frasier Ali. Tell me how he trained both of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suzanne Muldowney is a woman who was on the Howard Stern Show many moons ago, back when he had his Channel 9 show. Uh, she's a woman who goes to a lot of parades, dresses as different, uh, characters. Her most famous one is Underdog. She loves Underdog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She believes in the underdog motto and way of life, uhm, and she appears at various parades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time, in these different costumes, Shelly the South Shore Mermaid is another one, uh, Spectrum the Ghost King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, so she, but she no longer has a relationship with Howard. She's not a fan of Howard. Hated him. Due to the past, and... Due to being made fun of and stuff. Yeaah, and, and so, I felt as a fan of the show, I was gonna reach out to her because my dream was to get her back on the show again. I felt like I could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she trusts you, she really loves you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she likes to stockpile. She doesn't just go for one sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll get, and she usually has a coupon, I believe, but she gets about four to five, sometimes six, RB sandwiches. God. She will eat one at the establishment and then she takes the rest home and puts them in the freezer to then eat at a later date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freezing it. That's advanced. I mean, it's next level. One day we'll all be doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I interviewed her. I didn't eat her cooking. I just want you to know. And I was given that opportunity once. She made a cake once about two weeks before I arrived and then gave me a slice of it as well as a couple other, uh, correspondents that was with me, a producer and a correspondent. Pretty good. Wow. Well, I don't know. We all met up in that out front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't know, we didn't know, right? I go, I'm like, oh this is fantastic, and I pretend to take a bite, and then I'm like, I see the front door, I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta grab something out of the car. And I walk out the front door to toss it. And here's the funniest thing. I turn the corner and I see the other guy with me trying to bury it in dirt. And I'm like, dude, there's a dumpster over there. I'm like, that's where I'm headed. He goes, I didn't trust it. He goes, I didn't want to try. I go, don't fucking eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, for me, living in New York, wife, two girls, uh, you know, pandemic hit, everything changed, we're now locked down in this shoe box that we lived in, I'm paying thousands of dollars a month, uh, the, the neighborhood around us has fallen apart, and I'm like, what the fuck are we doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, for, I have a couple buddies out in Huntsville, in Alabama, and, and one of them's a mortgage guy, and he's been telling me for the last five, six years, get some property out here, it's booming in Huntsville, it's gonna be the next Nashville, the next Austin, and I never got around to it, so now we're locked down, I said to my wife,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go take a look at what Huntsville looks like. When you said that, by the way, did she go like, what? Yeah, of course. And I said, I don't, I go, I'm with you, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, we're sitting in our backyard in Queens and people are throwing fucking bottles at us from a different building. I'm like, how about we, how about we sit in a car for 14 hours? Seems safer than sitting in our yard. And we drove out there and, and it was literally like pulling the handbrake on life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From what we came from to where we were, everything completely, not just slowed down, it stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no traffic, there was no honking, there were no helicopters, there was, there was nature, there were nice good-hearted people that said hello to you, that waved to you, you know, and we really dug it and then we started looking at real estate out there and what we could afford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, shit, we've been wasting all this money, all these years on this apartment, look what we could get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, you know, a part of me, when the show got shut down and we were working from home, a lot changed for me as far as like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how I was in the fabric of the show. You know, if, if we're in the studio and high pitches on the phone and I have info on them, I can go to Gary and go, I got something. He goes, go for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now, it's, you know, everything's double, triple-checked and, and, and that moment, that, that organic, spontaneous thing is gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I, more and more for me, there was another thing. There was, you know, working with Jay Thomas, uh, in radio, who, uh, I loved dearly. Before he passed away, he wanted to have a conversation with me. And one of the first things he told me was, you gotta do your own thing. You gotta get out on your own. You gotta do your own thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, but yeah, so all those factors were like, once we came out to Huntsville, we found a place, uh, I went out again to, to, actually found it virtually, like so many people are buying places right now, but I'm like, I told my wife, I go, one of us has to go out there and actually see this fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, I'll do it because, you know, if I die, the kid's got a shot. You know, if they got to stick with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna look like parade floats going to fucking school every day. I'm not gonna be able to do it. So, uh, I went, locked it down, we moved out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just the peace of mind I got, the second we were out there, I was like, I think it's time to move forward and try my own thing. And then it was just a matter of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels good. I left on good terms. I had a great talk with him, uh, after I left. He, he called me, wished me the best and, uh, you know, I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have my family if it wasn't for him. I met her out there, you know, all these things happen for a reason when they're supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I feel like that was an awesome learning experience and now is the next chapter, you know? Yeaah, good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Shulie Show is on Patreon, uh, it's everywhere, every Friday, but it's on Patreon Live every Tuesday night. I'm gonna get insanely ripped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a pot smoker, uh, I'm a, I'm a gamer, uh, yeah. I just wanna make sure nobody fucks me when I'm on the road. You know what I mean? So, big wrestling guy. Oh good. Love. Oh, perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a writer that works there on the show. You wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn't know her. But she's very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's hilarious, there's so many talented, uh, people working there, and it's great, I'm still in touch with all of them, and that was big for me, leaving on good terms with them, because I miss them the most. Sure. That, that, uh, fraternity. That's your team, yeah. Yeah, man, so, but they're all very supportive, they're listening, they're, they're supporting, and the fans are supporting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best. I'm paying bills. Doing my own thing like it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 15 years. Oh, that's it? Oh, that's the time to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it. By the way, you guys are like, like I don't watch baseball except when I watch Sports Center and I have no connection to TikTok except you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you can go to ShalomShuley.com, the, the social media is the same, ShalomShuley Twitch is ShalomShuleyTV, and uh, The Shuley Show. Consistency. Branding. Branding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an old school guy there. How do I vote for him? Yeah. For anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the saddest thing of all, is she's answering someone that's not there. I got something to tell you, you wanna hear about it? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time he kept moving it into Fray of the Monkey's face, he's like, stop fucking moving, asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is this really considered, like let's say he rescued this one, is this considered a rescue when it's all said and done? Interesting question. Because now this monkey's on fucking TikTok? Interesting. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worry's a strong word, by the way. No guy's worried while he's fucking some chick he just met. Is she doing this with everybody else? Oh no, maybe I should stop. Yeah, no, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I cuddle? Sure. I'll cuddle with her. I'll do whatever the fuck she tells me. I fucking cuddle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I don't enjoy hearing my kids say the n-word, but I live with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that she's doing it to be sexy, I'm just saying people like that, everybody thinks they're sexy at a time of the day, right? You got like a point where you're like, I'm sexy right now. She can't be. She can't be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I like pineapple, I've never heard of it being like our thing, no, never heard of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about how far, what this is, and if this is monogamous or anything. So, can't be mad. And of course as a guy, I swallowed, I swallowed the pride, I swallowed the hurt. Cause she's worth it. So I'm like, okay, call me back anytime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a salad too. So as you know, Christina, this story checks out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I really punished myself. I think I had, uh, I had some Korean barbecue. I had some, uh, hot chicken. I had some, uh, I think El Pollo Loco and then some Tommy's burgers and then on Sunday, uh, I think I had a lot of the same shit. I think I had like a big sushi thing and then I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really put, I really put my work in on the weekends. I eat like a hummingbird here at the studio, but uh, I really make up for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Like I love me some ice cream. Ice cream is my favorite shit ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say maybe like a chocolate chip cookie dough or mint chocolate chip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it, because it tricks you into thinking it's healthier than the old chocolate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little minty fresh, you're like, this is helping my mouth when I eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, about a pint, about a pint, but I just found this place next to me that just sells cookie dough by the pint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've migrated over to that, and I'll tell you what, don't feel great. Don't feel great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it's the biggest thing that's uh, like I know I gotta do something and then every time I'm about to like kick it into like big diet and I'm like, just one more pint of cookie dough and I'll get there. And then it's just always a perpetual one more pint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a real international man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeaah, it's right when the diarrhea starts. And then I was just like, you know what, it's someone's birthday, I'm not gonna, I only have so many more months in LA, so I'm just like, you know what, I'm gonna really be dumb for the next little while. And then I'm like, you know what, and then I'll move to Austin, where there's no tempting food around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd really love it if I didn't see a higher number than I currently do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's uh, I already get enough shit. I think I'm gonna- Just know I'm morbidly obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so here we go. I know, right? Wait, hold up, I got a date right now. Uh, she's alright. I'll call you after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bella, nice to meet you. Oh, you got something in your nose, actually. No, no, other nostril? Ah, you can leave it. Man, I wouldn't have done my hair if I knew you weren't gonna do makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you did? Oh, looks natural. Gotta move my keys. Tesla. But yea, I got some trophies back there. Uhm, let's cut to the chase. I'm down to bang you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what? He ain't the leader. He's scared. Somebody got, somebody got to stand up. My dog, man. Hey, everybody. Hey, man. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva.com slash the shit right now to get $225 off the purchase of your next mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's right about that old guy thing, that's what my father was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like when we bring, I just farted. It's like when we bring Tapatio to the taco stand. And then the other patrons are like, can I borrow your Tapatio? I'm like, fuck no. I brought this shit from home, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. It is confining. I've shit on a plane only once. Once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for some reason, if you walked in on Top Dog doing that, you'd be like, alright man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we go any further, your father has told me this story probably five times already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. He recollected the story like it was a Vietnam.


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[Assistant] I, I agree, my, I beg to differ with your father on this topic, and I, it's very controversial, but I have a feeling my morning dumps are the smelliest of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would drift when I was in high school, from under the bathroom, I would smell it into my bedroom. The waft, the smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, dude. Dads are the grossest human beings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Oh, the gentleman prefers blondes, I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey dude, thanks for the support, thanks for the love. Over the years, uh, I'm just hollering at you to let you know that Drew Champagne is coming up in May, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I just woke up this morning and I, I intuited a message from Drew Champagne. And it said, holler at native. Let native know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comin' up in May. Comin' up in May! Not me, that's Drew. Uh, I'm just sayin' what up! And thanks for the love on the drumline tip. Yeah! Peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee's on. Gotta get ready for work. Yeah, you're so beautiful. What? Your arms are numb. That's cause they're tied to the bed, silly. No, I'll feed you. Yeah. I hope you have a great day. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see you appeared on YMH Podcast? Doomers! Yes! Between him and Bert, Tom Segura and Bert Kreisler, I'm just wondering if they want to get a DP going or if they want to, you know, hit me up for, for any double action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If both of those two men want to put their podcast where their dick is, then find me, they know where I am. Because I've, uh, tried to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tried to reach out to Burt a few times, and uhm, nothing ever followed through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be so blissfully horny that you will not want to come. Trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men don't fall in love through sex. Women think, well I'll hook up with him and he'll see what a nice, fun, easy girl I am. But the truth is, he will worry that you're giving all that great hostessing to other men as well. Men fall in love through trust and loyalty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, did you remember to offer food to your guests when they come over? That's an affirmation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi! I talked to Tommy yesterday when he said that anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And William accepted me as a joke when I mentioned that he says that's not even funny enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, what's up? So, I got my homegirl working on some rainbow braids for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever your opinion of beauty is, personally I don't give a fuck. If you feel beautiful, if you feel attractive, if you feel like a person,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're able to look people in the eyes and tell them that you are an individual, that's exactly what you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna finish this pretty soon and I hope to show you the results.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somebody sent me a text of a tit pitch. I don't do-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we got ProGuard and Malibu's, we got my white chocolate- This dude collects plastic chairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Save every picture of every girl in her late teens and early twenties that you are sleeping with from now till the end of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catalog them by name and make sure you can access these pictures quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will become incredibly useful later in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the same girls try to return to your rotation in your 30s and 40s and try to make fun of you for sleeping with a younger woman. Having this information at your fingertips, you can then bust out a picture of what they used to look like and go, there! This is why I'm sleeping with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here is a dollar sign, a pile of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, I'm gonna show you real quick. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting parts, little tongues that the swastika has. Oh, we know how to say it now. Yeah, swastika.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can mean war, and the question is, can you bring peace? Does it ever trump war? Can you actually manage to bring about victory with peace instead of, uh, evil?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think this symbol answers that. I think you can at least imagine a world where that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was thinking tonight, and I'm angry, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The issue is that women are fucking stupid. Like literally, if you think about it, we could have just kept our mouths shut and we wouldn't have to work 40 hours a week. 40 plus hours a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you could have just kept your damn mouth shut from talking about the right to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it this way? I couldn't tell you. It's just the way things are nowadays. Especially here in the South. So I fold up my apron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember, when you're burying a body, make sure that you cover it with an endangered plant so it'll be illegal for anybody to dig it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just called me a dumbass, didn't you? So then I'm gonna call your fucking names back. You can't even park it right here anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not delivering here. So go parking him back. There's no truck parking right here. You're not even parked properly anyway. You're fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A gauze pad and tape this up. Or just go to a doctor. Dress it up and put some sun rays around it. Something on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did you ever grow up in an area where people were slipping on ice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, by the way, that just shows you when it's your time. It's your time. That had to be the most precise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but, but, but somebody who's willing to stand on your hood and shit. Oh, this guy's fucking nuts. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Take your fucking scissors. Oh my god. Use your pudgy fucking monkey hands. Seriously? Cut the box open, cut a hole in it, and pour it in a goddamn bottle. Oh my god. Seriously?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disinfected a shoe before I fucking licked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here is the shoe I'm wearing. I hope you can see that. This is unfortunately... I'm in a construction zone with uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hello. With a bunch of workers. Nasty floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did he have you do? Uhm, sit on this hammock. The hammock had a hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna start covering some misconceptions about Satanism. Okay. And this is gonna be a fun one. Eating babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, it was just a quick gig, Ma. Are you trying to tell me that girl in there was a witness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did cocaine off a girl's titty. Went to the bathroom with her after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does your dog ever act like he's not head like my dog does at times? If yes, raise your hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo. That was, that was, oh yeaah. Oh yeaah. So what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sent it over like a Google Drive, like a Google Drive share link, which you can easily download. And so sure enough, it got passed around and I had known guys that this has been going around for a while, but I never, I mean, it's four years. Like Curio, the restaurant is not even open. Surely you have to know about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met her at the bar. Okay. I met her at the bar and, uh, you know, we exchanged numbers and I'm super nervous cause she's just, I mean, I'm thinking every guy in the city is probably getting her out for a first date. Sure. And I'm like, well, how do I, how do I get creative or original, you know, to want her to go out on a first date with me? And so I was like, Hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean what guy ever shoots a video to ask a girl out on a first date? Uh, and now I realize why. I realize why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, and it was uhm, it's pretty bad when I did script that out, like I actually had a pair of teleprompter and everything on the DSLR, like I actually scripted it out, and guys, like honestly, like I've been looking through these comments and people are like, this guy is something else, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This ridiculous image in my head about what I thought an attractive


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least back then, you know, that I, Elliot, just being me, would ever be good enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And guys, I'm sorry, I know this is a funny show. I'm not trying to dampen this, okay? And that does not change the fact that I'm still very embarrassed for making the video. And it doesn't change the fact that that video is cringe-worthy as all hell, right? And, Natalia, if you're watching this right now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, so like, I'm uhm, you know, I'm still single, uh, focusing on my career, I mean, I'm on all the dating apps, uhm, it's gonna be interesting to see what my dating life looks like for this interview. Oh, you're gonna get some, you're gonna get some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, you know, still single, looking for the right one, you know. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this little, like, kind of, like a ravine. It's, it's, there's this apartment complex called The Quarry and there's literally a quarry behind the quarry, go figure. And there's this awesome, like, you have to, like, swim around about, like, half a mile and then you can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't legally do this, so I'm not suggesting anyone do this, this is illegal, but hypothetically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm, uh, I don't necessarily, like, have a type per se. I do believe, like, I mean, I know this is gonna sound maybe corny, but I believe, like, beauty comes in many different colors. Okay, I thought you were about to say something totally different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, for sure. I mean, a big, hey guys, for the young bucks out there, big learning lesson, uh, A, just call her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everybody, my name is Mariana Nikolova, a new minister of tourism in Bulgaria. Today I'm really very angry because people say I speak no good English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I speak good English. I speak good English. You don't, do not speak. You, do you do, do not do you, can't speak English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody, in GERB, everybody, hm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In government, uh, uh, Bulgaria speak, uh, very, very good English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Saatva. Go to Saatva.com slash the shit to get $225 off the new Solair mattress and Saatva mattress company always provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we are too hot for the interwebs and we got fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so excited for these live shows because we really are restricted in terms of what we can play on the YouTubes and this is really a chance to just go buck wild and do the show we want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bam! Oh, that was the most fabulous Dan Pena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he talks the way that my parents did to me, and I really appreciate it. I feel like this generation needs a big dose of Dan Pena.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's right, but you know what? You can measure money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love his use of old school language. I think he makes a very strong point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pandora, iTunes, Spotify, and here's the deal man, Ian Bag is one of those comedians that he's right on the bubble of bursting. You guys have to discover him now. He's so fucking talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's really funny man. I remember when we arrived in Africa and we went to the mall just to pick up some odds and ends and he just decided to go barefoot in the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like so random, he's like, no you can do that here, it's Africa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I've, I helped you with the last load that I know of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That came out of you. Yes. And I was a little nervous, cause I'm like, what's, what's this new system gonna look like? Will there be blood? Yeah, you were- Will there be candy that comes out of your dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrible bleach. Really? I'll come. All the guys I've had. Terrible. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But just to, just the audience knows, your baguac was totally normal. It was just as it always was. It didn't taste different. It was, it was good, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh wow, this load is like, any other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you were very calm and, and that calmed me down. Yeah. It's, uh, I'm glad, I'm glad you're back. Uh, you know, cause you're always afraid of what could go wrong. And I was like, oh man, like what if he doesn't, can't get a boner or something after this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be really bad. I mean, there's some guys that, you know, maybe some weird thing happens where your nuts ache for the rest of your life or something like that. And then I'd feel very sad and responsible for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it because you're not doing stand up and releasing the venom and the masses? Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, the anger, cause here's the truth, at least in our case,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anger is the fuel for, for Santa, for me. It's the one thing that compelled me to do with it for 15 years to be good and to try is anger and rage. And now that there's no outlet for it, I'm just having to swallow it and eat it and eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's funny cause like in the house, you know, we take our turns, we disappear, we do our things in the house, and Tom disappears into his office and he comes out. And I know when you've done something good in your heart, because you're a little defensive, when I, hey Tommy, what's up buddy? And you're like, nothing, I'm just fucking writing. And I'm like, okay. He's, he's in it. He is in it. Right? Am I right though? I'm right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not attacking you, it's generally like, oh I'm glad to see you again, did you have a good time writing? And you're like, so first it's defensiveness, and then I show you like, hey I made you a plate of food, and then I put the food in front of you, I make you some chicken and rice, like here you go babe, and then you eat and you calm yourself down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, I don't talk about it again because I don't want to anger you. And then I just quietly, just to kind of, you know, hang out, you know, and you go, I wrote something really good, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, yeah, what did you write? And you're like, it's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Help you, I just want you to be happy. Now, the tennis helps cause you get to hit the balls and get that rage out. Cause you hit the balls very hard, I've noticed too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think if you could compete against another man, maybe you would feel good in tennis or something? Maybe we could pair you up with some angry Russian guy or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we did it for the first time. We had a spontaneous day of events and we did stuff that we normally don't do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a whole new demographic of dudes that are into me lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I was walking around our neighborhood alone in my little summer frock, just enjoying the sunshine, and I'm at the crosswalk, and this guy stops, he lets me walk, and then he yells after me, he goes, I always stop for cute girls!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, thanks dude. And he was old as fuck. Like, that was his last drive. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, you know, I always wear my two necklaces, my nameplate and stuff, but my tits were out. It was for you. I do it for my husband. I don't fucking do it for you animals, but for my husband. We're walking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at first I thought maybe cause I thought that I don't have my mask up or something. I thought that's what he was trying to warn me and I was like, Oh, and then I realized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I got to thinking, should you die, should you spontaneously pass away, and I've got these two little kids to raise, that now I know what demographic I will be appealing to. And it's the over 65 on death's door, kinda there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I mean, I don't know, this new thing where like really older guys are really into me, like to them, I'm like a spring chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a 44 year old is primate to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause then you could swap out wives every few years, cause then she would die and then you'd have to get another 70 something, you're all, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was thinking that the over 65's, here's the only downside for me, okay? If they take Viagra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that old, old guy who larked my necklaces. Like he just wants to look at my tits. He does, he does. That's all he wants is for me to sit on his lap and put my tits in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was so old that he had like flaky white skin. Like you know when they get like skin dandruff and you can see the white scales. Well he's about to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he can get an erection anymore. But I would do that, like I said, if you were gone and I had to find a way to survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're always in the mood for this. It's so special. Listen, the guys here...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, I want to give them proper credit. They arrange for something really neat for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just our way of saying we love you and we appreciate you. And that's it. Just go ahead and watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knew that Ed Asner is really in the a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a huge fan. Apparently he's a huge fan of yours and had no problem saying all the stuff to you. So weird, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe we should do a follow with him. Figure it out. It's pretty interesting stuff, man. This guy's a real talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what I find so interesting is how controversial that horse statue is at the Denver airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of people are, get really fired up because the eyes turn red or something and people get, it's a controversial horse. I just like to say go Broncos. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder, I wish he would, I wish he would uncover a new satanic thing every week. Wouldn't that be the best?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so interesting when people get upset about this stuff, but, well, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is gold, by the way. Whoever found this one, phew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so let's try to go to his Twitter, look at his real name and then copy and paste that shit into Google.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I like though is this, I like this guy's passion and I feel like passionate people make things happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want someone that gives a shit. Like really gives a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I feel like in our, in our city of LA, like, they don't give a fuck about us. I want someone who loves where they live and they're like, dude, I want to see some shit change and I can do it. I don't even care anymore if they can write a plan. Like, just fucking do it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's really into those nipples. She keeps pulling and pulling on that right one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Stamps.com to make things easier. Stamps.com brings all the mailing and shipping services you need right to your computer in the comfort of your own home or office, whether you're a small business sending invoices and online seller shipping out products.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just working from home and you need to mail stuff. Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. I'm telling you. And here's the best part. Here's the best part. UPS now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can just have the mail carrier come and pick it up. You don't have to leave the home. Is there anything better than that? Plus you get discounts on postage up to 62% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. It's a no-brainer. It saves you time and money. And right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any commitment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom, that's Stamps.com, enter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you're saying that it's Top Dog's fault that you changed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I think I need a smaller one. Well, hold on. Here's your problem, Charito.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, one purse can't be for all occasions. That's the same. You need a casino purse, a church purse. You have to pretend like you don't like material stuff at the church. So you need to get like a Target bag for church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're a little boring. I feel like you need to stretch a little. Have fun. Get the bag that inspires you. Don't go for beige or black. Get an exciting bag. A Valentino with studs on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a great idea. I do too. It'll bond you and Tom closer together. You guys have probably never experienced marijuana together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, but, hold on Charo, Charo, but the deal was one of those bags contains weed. One of those bags is whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one, one, one should be fun. One should be like, you're going out. One is it. Stop saying one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, here's what you should do. Listen, my love, my favorite mother-in-law is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, Abba, don't you think we're, you know, these people need to be showcased in show business. We're just giving these people a platform. The, the, the people that are in the margins, you know? That's right. They deserve a voice. You're giving a voice to people that otherwise wouldn't have one, Charo. You're kind of a hero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna play a game with you. Can you guess how much the average, uh, policy genius customer saves per year by looking for their home and auto insurance on policy genius and putting it in one place? How much do they save?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way more monies and very specific number, but that's because policy genius is great at numbers and making things very specific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. And uh, yeah, so if you're a homeowner, go to policygenius.com right now to get started. They've saved their home and auto insurance customers an average of $1,127 a year. Who knows what weirdly specific amount they could save you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very alpha. He's very alpha. I don't mind that. What's your energy? Like what, what celebrity would you go out with? Gosh, I'm honestly,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause our, here's the deal, our tennis coach is like this nice young guy, he's so sweet. And he was like, does anybody ever say mean shit to you? And he's like, all the time. He's like, I get these old guys that are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I know better than that. But, so like when Tom hits the ball, the coach will give him critiques like, okay Tom, if you angle this, you can give him more spin. I don't get those critiques. Mine's like, hold the racket right, dummy. I don't even get that spin talk. It's hopeless for me, so for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you why I love you so much? Because Dan Pena, personal, play her Dan Pena for one minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She says that she wants to suck it until it hits that thing in the back of your throat, the ball in the back. She really likes sucking dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's what happens to all of it. Did you know that your labia's gonna hang like that? It's gonna hang. Yeah, one time I changed a hundred year old lady for her birthday party when I, um, volunteered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was Mabel's 100th birthday and they had my friend Shauna and I change her for her 100th birthday party. And her tit was out of the bra and loose and then her vagina lip, her labia was hanging out of her undies and we just put the dress on over it like I wasn't gonna tuck her tit and her vag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not, you're not, you're not seeing his cover. See, cause you see what he did? He was like, I ju-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's one of these, um, nerds that's into, uh, kanakin jaunty or whatever, japanation, japanimation stuff. Did you hear him at the top? What? What's this shit called? Harajuku? I don't know. What's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, do you not, but would you be okay with me sleeping with a 20 year old pool boy and then we talk about it and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. That would give me so much anxiety to be like, I'm this public person and then behind closed doors we're told I'd be a goof. It's too much. Too much to juggle. Yeaah, it's not even worth it. You wouldn't like it if someone was like banging your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell no! That's the thing, is that too, like Tom and I were talking about this, like, after a certain age, like, you don't want to see yourself on video, first of all, because what were we watching, that they were recording themselves having sex or something, and we're like, ugh, you have to be so good looking to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talk about your feelings so much that there's no feelings left. I mean, the talking would make me crazy. That's why we don't do polyamory. Just talking about your fucking feelings. But my favorite is when she would ask permission to fluid bond with Jessie. Do you remember that? Where she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But these two girls hated each other. They were jealous and didn't they get into all kinds of fights. It doesn't work. It doesn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels so good. Even hearing her talk makes my stomach ill. Like I felt my visceral like nausea. Like I would feel so sick inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm number one. I bore two children, two sons, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been into Gibraltars. My friend got me into Alfred's coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I get, can I tell the line now? When I go into like a Michael's Arts and Crafts or any store and there's glitter or like glittery sticker things or stuff to craft. I don't know what to do with any of it. I get so excited and I buy it and I don't know what to do. Or stickers, like glitter stickers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's an original clas- it's a classic. You see anybody get so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What Tom? What do you mean? Like what? Couple zigs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think originally it was an X. He and his followers had X's on their foreheads and then later he converted. Listen, I've read the Manson book in 7th grade. I promise you it started as an X and then he made it a swastika later. See? Come on, who's a Manson enthusiast around here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always wanted to talk, but why don't we close with your gross shit? So you feel seen and heard and validated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I highly recommend it. The problem with Reels is that I'm having trouble training my algorithm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I also don't like the stumble. I mean, and TikTok allows you the chance to re-record your video. So he should have X, start over, yeah, and then do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's darker, Tom or me? Like when you think about it in terms of what makes us giggle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Tom doesn't like my sensibility and I'm not into guys getting their legs crushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone else like ripped it and put it up again, so other people were reposting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it melting? It's actually not. Good question. So this is Nate, Nate Verone on the TikTok and that is a tattooed pencil thin beard. And he's got a tattoo on his head as well, which he reveals in another TikTok. Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This talk went viral on the talk. It's like some Pakistani graduation where this woman is trying to emcee like something cool and all the kids don't know what to say. It's like ridiculous. So I thought it was pretty funny. That was cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the first thing you said to me, like, by the way, she could give birth at any moment, so just letting you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that incident that occurred in the film, cause it's, we didn't put anything in the trailer because obviously it's a reveal to, you know, who you are towards the end of it and there's major repercussions, but that incident


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's going to be people that see this that go, there's no way that fucking, like that fucking happened to me. I was in Raleigh, North Carolina, Charlie Goodnights, and, you know, it was back when that club was the shit. Yeah. So you do the show. Everybody would talk about that club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a bar and dance floor, like, like that deja vu. And then you're like a big fish in a little pond. If you're single, it's the greatest. So I went downstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that like the ace up the sleeve? Did you really bang a girl in teenager? Yeaah. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I appreciate the openness you both have cause my wife, I've never, I don't think I've ever posted a picture of her cause I want to protect her in case some dirtbags like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hates, you know, and I just don't want her to get that shit. And then you guys, like, nope. It's just like, oh, you think my act's bad? Watch some of this shit. Send a link, yea, to either of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had the best promo poster. I remember I was in San Diego and, you know, they always make those promo posters. Yeah. And yours was the one, the only promo poster that made me laugh. Really? You had the black like VDAC t-shirt and you were just sticking your, your stomach out. Yeah. You were not pregnant I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. The time, like my last hour I did, I talked about her ass. She's got a big ass, you know, she's not like, a teet or anything. And I just made this joke about her ass, and then at the end of the joke, it was like a joke on me, but I talked about it, and the first, the first few times I did it, she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I got 60 minutes I gotta fill here. And this one does well, so please let me keep it. And it was one of those where I know she was like cool with it, but she wasn't cool with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just disappear. But here's the thing about it. If I ever fart in my house, I'll go to the kitchen, right? I'll just fart. She'll instantly come over. She needs something in the kitchen. Every fucking time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like she would. I think she would probably, she's like a mob wife, she'd keep it to herself. Wow. She wouldn't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's never happened. I, I can't say we ever talked about it. Like I, even when I, when I rock a deuce, it's just like, I just disappear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I don't know, I'm not that kind, like, it was, look I've been a comic for 23 years, I think I took my first, I took my first shit in an airport maybe like a year ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't drink coffee, I don't, you know, I don't get anything to get the engines going, so I just, I don't know. You never drink coffee? Never drink coffee in my life. You never smoke a cigarette? You never drink alcohol? Love whiskey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I just disappear and it's a longer shower. You know, I always crank the tunes when I listen. I always listen to music everywhere. So I always listen to music and maybe I'm just in there for a lot longer. I don't know. But I just drove across the country with her and my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, there were a few times where I was like, oh god, I should just be honest about this, but I just kinda like, keep em bottled up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you shit your pants, you walk differently. You definitely walk differently when you shit your pants. 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shit my pants on the road. This is the worst way to shit your pants. I met a girl, brought her back to my room after a nice cuisine of Denny's. Yes. Uh, leave her and in the morning go to do morning radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning radio. I get back to the hotel and I think, oh, I wonder if she's still in my room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all of a sudden the doors open and you realize, oh god, there's a world out there. Then I'm walking, as the congressman or senator did, I was walking back to my room, slide the key in the key card,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything. In the hallway? In the hallway, everything must go. Yeah. Everything's gone. No, I pull my shirt down like a fifth grader. Then, no, I take a shower, rinse off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crawl into the bed and then she wakes up and she goes, oh my god. I go, what? She goes, oh my god. I go, what? What? What? What? She goes, I'm so sorry. I go, what happened? She goes, sometimes when I drink too much, I piss the bed and I was like, it's cool. It's cool, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was at good nights and I went downstairs and that girl, there was a girl, she was fucking rocking up on the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daisy Dukes, cowboy boots, like every guy was like, oh my god. And she points at me and she goes, you, come here. I go, yes ma'am. And we had some drinks and we get in a cab and we're on a freeway, we're on a highway, we're on a main road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A side road, then went a fucking dirt road. It is gravel. And we end up in a trailer. And then all that shit that went down, went down, but it was with a marine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did he find you? He didn't find- I had to stay underneath the- But he showed up. He showed up. You must have been- Are you terrified? I was fucking scared out of my head. How did you get out of there? Here's what I did. So-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My boyfriend's here. I'm like, oh Jesus, are you serious? She's like, yeah, he's a Marine. He's going to kill you because I saw the guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Early 2000s, I didn't have a cell phone yet because they didn't exist. They just came on the market. So I sat there, I think for probably three or four hours until they passed out and then I had to run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's incredible. It's terrifying. It was so scary. So it was like, and the shit the pants thing I had put in. So it was just taking all these crazy stories. By the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That's right. That was Kreischer's name, and he, Kreischer was, when I filmed my second hour special, he was supposed to be, uh, the guy that comes out as Romeo Horscock to dance. Oh wow. For the girl, and he didn't, he didn't make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, like he never, I'll ask him for things and he just, he doesn't call me back. I'll be there. I'll be there for you. He didn't show up. And we've taped on a Sunday by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he couldn't, he just didn't show up? He told me I think two days beforehand so I got Bobby Lee to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She comes to, I gotta tell you this other story, okay? So, so we go to lunch, we go to lunch. Billy Gardell, Bert Kreisch, myself and my wife. And this is the first time she's like on the road with me, meeting other comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Bert, what you could see was really like hurt by it, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then later, late after that thing, my wife goes, does he just get naked? I'm like, he sometimes get naked, you know, at times. We finished the show that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife's there, her little sister, who's like 19, comes up to visit, cause she's going to school there or something, and the show's over, we're all gonna drink, and Chrysher comes out of the green room, butt naked in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat, and my wife goes, oh, so this is what Gardner was talking about, and I go, yup, that's exactly it, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we'd get a bunch of guys together, and Christ used to come, like Renazzi and, you know, Brett Ernst and everybody. And it was right by the grove, so we'd get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, baseballs we pitched together and we just spent our days doing that. And then we would time it out so like at three o'clock we knew the price is right got out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Crusher was the one, like Renezizzi played baseball, I dabbled with it, I mean that guy, straight up fucking bombs, Crusher, moonshots, absolute, and that was the first time I was exposed to like, how athletic he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God bless him. I mean, he is the sweetest human being in the world. Flaky, though. And that's the static that I've gotten from him, because, I mean, I'm sure he's brought it up, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had initially called him, and I was like, oh, there's this role, and I'd like, his voicemail's still to this day, I'm out of the country. I assumed he was out of the country. Oh, that's from fucking four years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just, I was like, oh, I guess he's out of the country, and I never heard back from him, and I just assumed, I guess he's in Europe, I guess he's in Tunisia, fucking a strange girl in a leather bikini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could go down a deep dive, right, and want to see what this girl looks like, and it's always unfair to compare the girl today, as opposed to the story from years ago, because Roy Wood Jr. has this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, he had this girl he hooked up with in Tampa, and we called her Tampa Tony when he told her this story. And when Roy was on Sullivan's son, she was telling everybody in Tampa, you know, I used to bang Roy Wood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so I got back to Roy and Roy was upset because he's like, yeah, but when I banged Tampa Tony, she was like a buck 20. And now she's like 250. And so everybody would see Tampa Tony now going, Roy, how could you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in Pittsburgh, I'm, yeah, uh, uh, I'm trying to go off, uh, away from porn ants. No, it's not a porn ant. No, it's not a porn ant. Oh man, you banged your friend's aunt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside looking in, okay? And when you say, so you don't fart in front of your wife? It's like, that's the gateway drug to this. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the comfortability. I do respect it. I wish I had it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I go to Hooters and get six of these chicks to race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Around the fucking restaurant. I'd fucking put money down, yeah. I would love that. That's like a Married with Children episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well actually I heard that the diarrhea pants, if you raise it up a flagpole, it's the official flag of Tunisia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always feel bad for female entertainers over there because there is no self-awareness. Like if we see an attractive woman, you're kind of respectful and you try not to be a construction worker, but them over there, they don't give a shit. They will ogle you and talk shit about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. That's actually very clever. I don't like seeing that though. I don't like to see the New Jersey border. You know what I mean? Where he trims. I don't need to see that. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess the only way anything is going to happen is if I write something and I was on the road, just kind of like, you know, back in the clubs and I was like, well, what's the one thing I'd want to see? And I never saw a great film about standup. I've never seen one. I've seen films that have standup in it, but not just about standup.


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[Assistant] So I thought, alright, that's what I'll try to write. And I wrote it, and I gave it to Vince Vaughn, good friend, and I said, could you read this and just tell me, I did this as an exercise to just see if I could write something.


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[Assistant] And he called me like a month or two later, he's like, there's good bones here, I think we can do something with this.


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[Assistant] I'd go on the road and then Monday I'd meet with Peter and Vince. They'd give me notes and then Wednesday through.


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[Assistant] I was like, well, I never directed anything before. He goes, it's your story. You'll direct it. I go, I'll direct it. And so just like that, just like that. So I read, I read directing for dummies. I read all the books I could. I took the master classes and


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[Assistant] It will never ever get you prepared for an actual, oh fuck, I was so, you know, in over my head, but, but the cast and crew were great and the first thing I told everybody the first day I go,


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[Assistant] It's my first time. I'm going to be completely honest with you. I don't know everything about the lights. I don't know everything about the cameras, but I know everything about this story. So just be patient with me and I'll do my best. And I think that won me a little sympathy. Different than being like, I fucking know what I'm doing. Dickheads. Yeah.


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[Assistant] The very first take, we're sitting there and Peter Billingsley's here, the monitor's there, Jimmy and Alex are there to do the first scene in Diner that takes place after Jimmy does radio for the very first time as a comic.


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[Assistant] And he looks at me again, he goes, you gotta say action. I go, oh, Jesus Christ, go action. So they play out the scene and, and Jimmy and Alex, the scene ends and they keep improving. And Alex is on SNL and Jimmy, obviously great comic. And I'm, I'm like, this is great. They're just improving now. Let's see what happens with the scene.


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[Assistant] I was friends with Peter for two months before I realized it was Peter from- What? Oh wow. I had no fucking clue. And I always heard Ahmed was friends- I met a- Peter through Ahmed Ahmed. And I always heard Ahmed was friends with Peter Billingsley from A Cursor Story. Man. And I was like, oh gee, oh that's Peter Billingsley? That's Peter Billingsley. That's fucking crazy.


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[Assistant] He had glasses on set, but he's a, he's a handsome dude, and uhm, and he goes, call me Ralph, like when you meet him. He loves that, yeaah. But he's one of the, he's done so much, like when he, he produced the original Iron Man.


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[Assistant] Chris Christie there. Yeah, yeaah. Opening pitch. Is he dead?


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[Assistant] Chris Christie? Yea. I will be. No. Not yet? No. Okay. No, he's not dead.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, you know. They did the contact tracing, I guess, cause he's one of the super, and, and it was, it was just all these Baskin Robbins in Northern University that he went to.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's bad. That's just... At least Ben's in shape, but man, it just...


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[Assistant] Oh, you mean, there's, there is a, almost like. I need somebody to tell me something. Yeah, looks a little darker. It almost, it almost looks like he was assaulted.


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[Assistant] Well the reason he's asking anybody, strangers for advice in such a vulnerable position is because he has no friends.


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[Assistant] He's cute. He's very sweet. That's right. He's adorable.


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[Assistant] The minute I saw him start the video,


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[Assistant] Let's have some fun here. That's the kind of guy that would hear that his video was on the sh- and then write you and go, how do I start writing for TV?


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[Assistant] Can you hear? I can hear you. That's, when I go to hell, that's what's, it's gonna be a tablet and my mom and dad trying to FaceTime me. Eternity of that.


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[Assistant] That's like when you should turn a shark upside down. They're in that perpetual state of shock. That's what it was. I mean just her reaction. Oh god, just everything. Amazing. It was perfect. It was a slow draw.


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[Assistant] Don't share that. Don't touch that. Oh this? There we go. Always. My kids.


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[Assistant] Maybe like in 4th grade? Oh really? Yeah. I think we were signed one in school.


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[Assistant] I would love it if all the d- if the girls were like, oh my god, and all the guys were like, they just pulled their dicks on the street.


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[Assistant] As you go to the airport, the, you know that, that Bronco or whatever? Yea. I thought it was like Denver Broncos. Yea. No, and then you look and they're like eyes light up at night. Yes, yes. It's fucking evil looking. And then I heard that the artist that curated that, it fell on him and killed him. And then they put the horse back up and kept it there.


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[Assistant] I had heard about it from another comic or two and then there was something on like, uh, on like History Channel about how...


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[Assistant] And then I saw something on the history channel about it, and they went through and showed the different artwork and different art pieces scattered throughout the airport. And they said satanic too? They were showing that some of them had satanic symbols inside the airport.


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[Assistant] That's right, it's me, and I want anybody that affiliates with him, please see me, talk to me. Uhm, I'm making t-shirts tonight, actually. Uhm, I'll be selling them. I just hired a woman.


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[Assistant] You're ditching the film just to focus on this, is that correct? I'm going all in, baby. My wife is adamantly against it, but I told her, fuck Hollywood. It's time to pivot.


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[Assistant] You had sent me a text after you watched it, and after that text it was like the blueprint of all the text I would see afterwards of the comics that were in it, like, loved it, it brought back all the awful memories that I thought it was over, and uh, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he did a great job at being the feature that wants to party, that wants to meet girls, that isn't necessarily, he's like the guy the first day in prison, it's like, I'm gonna show you the ropes. I'm gonna show you around, but he's the guy you still kinda wanna say,


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[Assistant] Alex played him in such a way, he was so endearing, fun and sweet and nice that


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[Assistant] It was written to be like a red herring. He was like, he was like the nice guy that you meet and then 48 hours in you realize, oh, this guy's just out to clock ass. And he's not really here to work. And then narratively, the story was to pivot for Jimmy to start hanging out with Cedric more.


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[Assistant] And what happened was in the edit, we learned that the audiences were just like, we love this guy. We're so invested in him. We don't want to not like him now. So we had to recalibrate some of the things in the edit to maintain, you know,


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[Assistant] Who he was and the tone of his character throughout the whole course of it, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you, I guess if you live in a red state, basically, you'll be playing, so uhm.


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[Assistant] Thank you, and thanks again for doing that scene, cause that's a scene where, like, you could send it to somebody and go, just read it first, you know, and you were totally game. And it was, it's such a fun reveal. It really is. And it's, uh, the repercussions Jimmy endures. It was a lot of fun to do, man. Thank you for doing it again.


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[Assistant] You gonna let that motherfucker mush you down out like that, and you ain't breaking that bitch's face right now? I love it.


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[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life.


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[Assistant] You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


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[Assistant] Nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you it is me.


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[Assistant] I've gotten a couple of requests to make a demonstration video of my shoelace trick for buttoning up tight jeans. You guys out there who like to wear your jeans tight like I do.


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[Assistant] Button up and zip up a pair of tight jeans. Right. So anyway, my trick resolves that issue.


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[Assistant] This flag is nothing but a flag of heritage. Think about it, y'all. That is a beautiful flag.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Sattva, the good people at Sattva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. That's right, they allowed us to send them the URL, the shit. And the reason why is because I slept on, or we slept on their new mattress, the Solair.


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[Assistant] I talked to the marketing guy and I was like, this thing's the shit. And he was like, I'll see if I can make that your URL. And I was like, I like it.


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[Assistant] So, he did. They have incredible customer support, which is I think one of the most important things. You order something online.


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[Assistant] You just deserve to sleep on a great mattress. Head there now.