[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so I really love those videos, love when they come out. I wish they got more views, they get less than Ark, and even less than Seven Days. Yeaah. But I think they're some of our best. Yeaah, no, it's fun. And Simon doesn't want to cut GTA videos.


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[Assistant] I think you should still make them sometimes, cause you're good at it.


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[Assistant] It's happening all around. Can I throw one in? Yea, go for it. It won't get good views. That's the problem. This is from Ark with the Otter. We don't know. Okay. The comment's from Gaming with Izzy and it says, I could physically feel Dorales's pain trying not to make an Otter pun. I just thought you Otter now. I think it got cut out.


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[Assistant] As long as it doesn't stifle our creative process.


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[Assistant] It was a fun way to do it. It was a good creative angle. When it comes to PUBG, if I'm gonna watch it, I like those different type of, like the zombie mode or the uh, hunter man fist fight. Or crash derby, something like that. Crash derby? Yea, I don't wanna watch somebody hide in a room or crawl in the grass for an hour. That'd be my video. Yea.


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[Assistant] That was it for Thicc. Good job Thicc. Thank Thicc. Hey Thicc.


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[Assistant] The reason we wanted to do something different, like Seven Days or Empyrean, we wanted a different genre. Like the music's different, this has a different feel, it's still silly and goofy sometimes, but I like that we can use scary music and these, uh, jump scares and things. The dog.


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[Assistant] When we play, we play in first person, so you just kind of see what's in front of you. And then, you know, Adahop cuts these and we look back. And it was so obvious this thing was coming out of the water behind us.


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[Assistant] Did we talk about how you did the old Dine and Dash yet? No.


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[Assistant] Cause there, you all sit down at the table, then you go to the cash register as you leave. Yea. You pay and leave. He just walked out. Simon left early. We're all going to pay for our meal. They're like, no one ever paid for this burger. We're like, no, I'm sure Simon paid for his burger. It wasn't a sandwich, it was a burger.


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[Assistant] And the blades look like they give. They're flexible and there's a little hinge so if it hits you it kind of bends backwards.


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[Assistant] How much would it cost to floor the bottom of my house, you think? The floor? Yeah. Yeah, it's a new floor. The whole bottom, like a wood floor. You gotta rip up everything? First floor. This is a fun conversation. Well, we're talking about spending money.


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[Assistant] I've been in New York. A rat ran through the restaurant. That was a pizza place.


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[Assistant] Thank you all for being with us today. Hope you have a wonderful week and keep commenting.


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[Assistant] Oh man. They don't have the auto lights, huh?


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[Assistant] I was too hungry to listen. Do you have to physically roll down your windows in your car? I don't remember. No. Then why doesn't it have that feature?


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[Assistant] I don't do that anymore because I know you guys have a very adequate P9.


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[Assistant] It's very much like a trilogy usually goes. Yeah. You know, that big thing at the end, Lord of the Rings anyway, you got that big battle and, you know.


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[Assistant] It's gotta be the same. Merchandising before you even put out videos is good.


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[Assistant] Well, I like it on scrap mechanic. See, I, yeah, I like doing a little bit in the beginning.


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[Assistant] He can yodel. Oh my god. Is it really a yodel? Oh, he has a good yodeling video. Yeaah. I was very impressed. Maybe our intro should be a yodel. Oh. No, we have a new intro.


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[Assistant] You have to let your arms go limp and just swing them. I'm pretty sure I saw a competition that's a slapping competition. Probably is. Like that was real.


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[Assistant] And if you don't ever move, you're never corrected. People need to correct people more.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was behind a couple guys talking about one of their friends that got into some trouble or whatever and he made that reference. Well that's just a double knife sword right there.


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[Assistant] Well, maybe we just warm her up a bit. I'm just curious. I'm putting it out there. I'm curious why. We're Tetley's wingman. The loving happens after the, uh, gaming. We're the wingmen. Yep, we got you covered. Make a baby. But-


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[Assistant] Hi there. Notice me. You know what, I wanna go. Can I go? You do it. It's your world, we're just in it. You just asked and answered your question. All one fell swoop.


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[Assistant] You should really read the comment section today on the-


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[Assistant] But if you didn't read that, then she would have. What if she read it? What if she read it already?


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[Assistant] She doesn't read the comments. Well, there's one way to know. Go ahead and hit play on Monster Mash.


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[Assistant] You do, I can hover in the air if you don't look at me. My feet. Turn around. I'm hovering! Oh! Wow!


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[Assistant] That's the number one, uh. But Liam wants to suck on your toes. It's the least you could do for him. Toes? I think feet. That's weird. In general.


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[Assistant] 212 is fun. Well, we kind of had the, uhm, like when we did the ring challenge, that was a two man operation. When we had the hover base alpha, took two of us. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh god. You'd probably go like, and turn right.


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[Assistant] It's a game that you can play for a long time.


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[Assistant] Okay. That was my last comment. Oh, I've got my laptop here and ready. Wow. Which is uh, unheard of. It is. Usually you walk away and we make things weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, uhm, so this is from the, uh, the Ark episode, the lobster one. What was that called? Flying lobster. It's in the title. So, you know, this is from Czerny, C-Z-I-R-N-E.


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[Assistant] Doraleous needs to put drums on some dyno and ride it all over the place while drumming. Is that possible? Yes. Okay. You'd have to have someone drive.


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[Assistant] I kinda pulled back. I don't know about that. I do. This one's from Kinky Nun.


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[Assistant] This is from Michael Kuznetsov. And you may have addressed this, I'm not sure, I don't remember it. Still pisses me off that they don't put the torch on the saddle.


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[Assistant] I'm kind of, cause I've got several comments, I'm kind of rapid firing to the best of my ability. Chirag Kapoor says, wait, they always complain that Thicc leaves without telling them and today he did and they are making fun of him. I'm with you Thicc.


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[Assistant] That's absolutely true. Thank you. Uh, this is from Gaming Gorilla 117. I'm 12 years old and I'm better than Simon on Arc.


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[Assistant] This is from, uh, uh, Star Wars Battlefront 2 Beta Extreme. That paradox says, congratulations, your terrible aim has qualified you as a perfect stormtrooper candidate. So you sucked, huh?


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[Assistant] Conflict and comments. Here we go. Two comments next to each other that conflict. I'm gonna mix that too.


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[Assistant] And then DB Gaming comes back with, please retire the bipolar hillbilly slash monster truck announcer voice. Thank you, smiley face.


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[Assistant] Noted. That's why I did it. Plus we said Mondays a lot in that video. Uh huh.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I think you're just trying to have fun. Well, also we were genuinely trying. It's not like we're...


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[Assistant] And a fourth party somewhere out there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I like the command center set up if the game was a little bit more, had more depth. Everyone being in that room, I like that idea, because that kind of teamwork-y.


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[Assistant] Well, you know, like the uhm, like Pacific Rim or fucking, you know, they got the two people.


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[Assistant] Controlling a giant mech or, or fucking power rangers for that matter. Just like the come together big monster thing if everyone had their, like a Voltron.


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[Assistant] So for those of you out there that have VR or know a lot of VR games or whatever, maybe suggest some good co-op games that might work for us. We'll look into them. I know there's a shit ton of VR games out there and we don't know.


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[Assistant] Yep, it'll get there. And then, uh, what's the, the VR version of, you did the full playthrough of the game on our channel with the, uh, cartoon character would pop up every now and then? Fallout. Fallout. That was three? Or was it four? Fallout four. Four, I mean.


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[Assistant] That full VR version's coming out? Yeah, I'm curious to...


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[Assistant] Good lord, you'll never. Okay. Uhm, and the final comment of mine is on today's Star Trek video as well.


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[Assistant] Oh five one two. Abstro get your fucking mouse pointer off the fucking screen. Said an angry Abstro voice. Wait, that was probably Simon. Fuck off Simon.


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[Assistant] Haha, get shit guys. What video is this on? Today's Star Trek. I didn't, I edited the whole thing and not once did I notice, but I read about your cursor. Was it mine? In several comments. Was it on my footage? Most people are calling it out as you.


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[Assistant] How do I, how do I cut the whole thing and then rewatch it and make changes, rewatch it?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then uhm, it says, uh, uh, you know, shit guys, everyone hates Mondays, happy Monday, Monday, Tuesday, from Afghan. Thank you Golden Panda, and uh, we'll try to pay attention to our cursors.


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[Assistant] So much more appealing. I enjoy playing Seven Days better. Personally, I like that every seven days, no matter what you've dealt with, they throw that threat at you. It's coming to you.


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[Assistant] And graphically, yeah, it's an older game and yeah, the graphics suck, but like I was saying earlier, it's less graphically appealing than PUBG, but not by much. And people don't really.


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[Assistant] See that, look at that. Moisture than an oyster knows what's up.


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[Assistant] That's hello in my own language. Dink floop. That's mine.


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[Assistant] I know that we do consolution too. That's a commenting on comments, but I don't remember the comments until Simon sends an email. We don't do them every week.


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[Assistant] Can we do something right now live? He's live. Can you record your screen? He's live on YouTube right now. Yeaah, he's live on YouTube right now.


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[Assistant] You might want to tell them what we're doing right now. Nah. Oh, I understand your Jif peanut butter comment question now. Cause of the skippy contrast?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's like glue. That's a bit night time, I don't know. I forget the... Answer the questions. You know what? Ada has contact with him. He can ask him too.


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[Assistant] I would do that if we had the wingsuit mod in there. That wingsuit mod that Minecraft had was fun.


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[Assistant] But when I think about it, it sounds awesome. When I do it, it's terrible. It's like drinking. It's like, oh guys, we should, we should drink a bottle of tequila. And then I get sick.


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[Assistant] But I thought that it actually, I thought you actually spooked it before I put any foundation down.


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[Assistant] Even if, real quick, even if it did spook it, I didn't know that with it being spooked, that it would stay spooked and you couldn't tame it that way. So, it didn't matter to me if it was spooked or not, I just wanted to enclose it.


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[Assistant] This is from the Seven Days to Die Bunkers episode. This is from Travis W. Says, Dear Dordor, Nubs, Thunk44, Azrop and Salami, After learning to play I'm Going to the Moon, I got my friends hooked on it and I don't understand how but it's actually fun. Where'd you guys learn that game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, next comment is from Andy Taken on the same video. He says, Hey guys, I don't know if you know or not, but there's a jump scare at 2130, which apparently had 40,000 people post a comment to advise you the same thing that nearly caused them to have a heart attack. Is that one after I got scared by that?


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[Assistant] All right. All right. All right. Good luck, Ben. Next comment is from Greg Rose and this comes from our stick fight video.


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[Assistant] Thanks for making awesome videos that put a smile on my face every time.


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[Assistant] There's a lot of fish in the aquarium, buddy. Keep your head up. Yep. Same video from Han Water Polo Gaming. Same comment. Han Water Polo. Yeah. He said, I wasted my money on Call of Duty when I could have got this.


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[Assistant] What was this? Stick Fight. Alright. Same game, really. Pretty much, yeaah. I mean, I guess Stick Fight's got a little bit better graphics.


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[Assistant] Alright, next comment is from somebody with a bunch of underscores as their name.


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[Assistant] Will normal service ever resume after the Patreon, or are we just stuck in the abyss of Nieb's gaming constantly trying to engineer channel growth instead of letting it happen naturally? Was this also on Steam?


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[Assistant] It wasn't so much about, hey, this other channel's doing it, it was more about if we all got in here and just started fighting, it would be fun.


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[Assistant] You're getting worse. You used to care. Pepperidge Farms remembers.


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[Assistant] Call Pepperidge Farms. Anyway. Yeah, I'm done with my comments. Someone else is next.


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[Assistant] To answer your question, Apsro, yes, I had computer classes growing up.


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[Assistant] Ask Jeff Foxworthy as Frank Underwood. Makes sense to me.


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[Assistant] Quick little thing to talk about. Who wants to take this one? Well we meet every Tuesday and Thursday


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[Assistant] Tuesday we come in at 1, and we record, uh, until the evening. Yea, all day, late night, all day. Thursday we come in at 1, record up until about 6.30, 7 o'clock, break for dinner, and then do our live stream from 8 until 11, hopefully.


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[Assistant] War dance. Yeah, I love that. Oh, like, like a, uh, Polynesian, uh, what do they call it? The haka or whatever the, what is that called? I have no idea. It looks really cool though and I want to do that. I wish I was from that. And it's intimidating.


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[Assistant] Which episode was this? The second part, yeaah, it is weird to see us getting along, but the first part, no, I do a good job all the time.


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[Assistant] If the stakes are high, I know what to do and what not to do. If the stakes are not high and I want to just go...


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[Assistant] The last time I went over there, she was wearing a Pokemon Go t-shirt too.


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[Assistant] She, like, her and my sister and my goofy nephews, like, they all rushed, it was a holiday or something, they rushed into the car and like left for Walmart because there was a battle or something somewhere. That's crazy.


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[Assistant] Weirdo. Oh yea, no, I'm sure she's wonderful. She's great and crazy. I love my mom, but there's a couple of weird things about her that I've wished.


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[Assistant] My kids asked me the other day, they were like, hey, when you're a grandpa, what do you want to be called? I was like, moo moo.


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[Assistant] I would like an advent calendar with a different beer.


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[Assistant] Alright, so hey, enjoy yourselves, be safe. Yeah. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever you celebrate, and if you don't celebrate it, I'll see you in hell. Hope you get spoiled with some ghosts. What? I can't say that! I'm just kidding! What do you mean you-


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[Assistant] The zombies can't swim, can they?


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[Assistant] Yeah, no one wants that. Which would work, maybe. I kinda do.


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[Assistant] I think I brought it up, cause I fire the game up every once in a while, and this just in, there's still nothing to do. Okay, still nothing to do. You can get in a ship, you can fly around, you might find some AI that will fight you, like in space, but yea, yea, you need a, you need a


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[Assistant] Really Dynamite PC, which we have, but it's still just, there's no depth to it.


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[Assistant] I had to take my wife to the doctor for the endoscopy and yeaah, I couldn't, yeaah, she couldn't drive. I had to drive her home and do all sorts of shit for her.


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[Assistant] Andralis, uh, there's actually a comment that I have on my video.


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[Assistant] What Simon gave me to do about you that you're gonna like. Oh great. Coming soon!


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[Assistant] Yeah, no. Can't recreate it. I tried. I feel ashamed for losing that. Lost magical moments.


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[Assistant] But this engram appears to show that cancelled with 1L only overtook cancelled in America or in American books in early 18, early 1980s.


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[Assistant] I like body wash even better because it's got a cheetah reading a book on the illustration on it.


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[Assistant] There was only one L, wouldn't it be Cal? Cal. But that makes no sense. But what's Cal? You should accent the A or something. I see that it doesn't make sense, but I know why they put it there. Scrap it! Scrap the holes!


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[Assistant] Hey, is it my turn? Yes. Because that turn's not back yet. Okay, so from the GTA, uh, it's your captain speaking video? Yep. John Bone, who says, started slow, but the missile dodging in slow mo was sweet!


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[Assistant] Quality gameplay there. And I'm with Simon. If a pedestrian gets in the way, they gotta go. That's right. They weren't in the way.


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[Assistant] Listen. You went out of your way to kill that pedestrian.


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[Assistant] Moving on, St. Autumn says, I wish Apsro was here for this, you guys should do a Subnautica cartoon from the perspective of HQ, with all their pizza and shenanigans. They really do get down. They have parties all the time. From the same video, Bread Gaming Company says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Simon either has dementia or amnesia that gets brought on by stress. He always forgets the most simple things, LMAO. It's like, goddamn Simon. There's a correction.


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[Assistant] But I want to. The next comment comes from our Seven Days to Die video. Traitor! Ahhhh. Ahhhh. Jack Wild says, Oh gosh, I absolutely love the music. Who does the music for this stuff?


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[Assistant] Take a pic. Whoever edited this. And whoever edited this, great job. That was you, Neebs? Nope. What? No, I thought you said you did. I cut GTA Pilot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Nick Griffin on the same video says, I mean, if you want to talk about thicc killing teammates, why don't you re-watch Neebsylvania and watch Neebs murder two people in cold blood? Did I? I don't remember. You killed me.


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[Assistant] Same video, your ass says, Nieb's all about world peace. Wasn't he the one who started the who got fixed thing and Simon ran with it like the idiot he is? How does that not surprise you? How did I run with it? I didn't start this whole fucking fake thing. No, it says Nieb's dead and then you ran with it.


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[Assistant] I reigned with it, is that what happened? Yea, that's what it said. I don't see how that contradicts world peace though. I don't either. It's a real thing, you thick people. No, thick, I think you have it confused because


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[Assistant] You confuse this with just not being good enough to play with me or against me. That's what I think this is. How do you feel about that? You're not good enough. This is getting really weird. Yeah, no, but that's what I'm thinking because it's like when I play with other people that are like, competent, they don't die like you guys do.


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[Assistant] Hey, but your ass isn't done, he's still got some more stuff. And he says, but is it me, or is Duralius the most productive member of the team right now?


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[Assistant] They fucked it up, didn't they? Go ahead, Thick. Go ahead, Thick. I would have continued to harvest the metal because we're trying to survive. It's a survival game. We're not trying to, you know, renovate the place. It's not like we're flipping the fucking place.


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[Assistant] It's like gambling's second cousin. Yea, like the hot dog to gambling.


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[Assistant] I'm sure I was reading a good book. What was that book? Which one? The one that they're gonna make a movie about. Oh, Ready Player One. Oh yeah, I read that on the plane.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Spot on. That's great, Nibs. I'm going to have to cut that out, right?


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[Assistant] Now see, when we released videos on it previously, the player count was much smaller. Now it's HUGE!


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[Assistant] The hardest thing about it would be watching your gameplay. Yea, of course. It would be painful and eventually that would wear off and it would become corrosive to the rest of the channel.


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[Assistant] It's like I love- I can't be around it anymore. I love my mom. Yeah? But if you're around her too long, and you let her drink some wine and start talking. Yeah, but your mom is-


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[Assistant] Are you gonna play Overwatch? Or Destiny 2? Or Destiny 2? Let me address this with uh, with Jacob. We play Overwatch sometimes on our livestreams. We're probably not gonna make videos. Destiny 2, the first Destiny didn't do well on our channel and I've, honestly, I didn't really enjoy playing it that much because I don't like bullet sponge games. I don't know about the rest of you. I think absolutely you don't, you don't really care for it.


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[Assistant] That's like, you've got to go do this mission but now you're wearing like a brown sash instead of a blue one. You've got to change your clothes and play dress up the whole time and like, then go to a different level but you're doing the same fucking mission. At least that was my experience in the first one and that's why I turned it off. I need to play PUBG, I'm just saying. PUBG's don't even talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'll go next. Okay, I like this comment right here from Linda Wheat. What was the, what was it on? Most recent ARC video, the Birdocalypse. Alright. It says, my husband and I just got home from a wedding. We were so excited to get home and watch Birdocalypse.


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[Assistant] A long story short, we're laughing uncontrollably, you guys rock, and it's so good to see you all playing together. And then what happened? Yeaah. Yeaah, that's what I'm thinking. They just got married?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should probably move on to the next comment. Pull down her pants.


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[Assistant] Yeah, go ahead, go nuts. Right, have fun. You're welcome. Joe Parr says, hey, over here, look, I had an amazing thought. You guys should totally get some of your wives slash girlfriends to do a surprise appearance in one of your gameplay videos. If there might be a female character or even just a totally random new person that wanders past you. Anywho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would be awesome and something new and unexpected.


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[Assistant] I want to take it a little bit further. Okay. And get day laborers, you know, the people that just kind of stand outside of Home Depot. Right. And they're looking for work and be like, Hey, we got some work for you. You ever play Ark?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine that conversation when, you know, you know, what do you want me to build? Well, we, we need, uh, we need a fabricator.


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[Assistant] On the shoreline, you'll see a small river leading into a cave, great for water tames, and you are able to put a tree platforms on stone pillars coming down from the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who said that? That was from Moto Sierra 21. That was the cave we found, right? That big old cave that we were like, what the fuck is this for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I get it. I get it. The story has no focus at that point. The other part of it is, is that getting into the game sometimes is like going into an amusement park with Neebs and then he's like, nope, first we gotta dress up like, you know, cowboys and get our picture taken first and there's a bunch of like roller coasters that we wanna ride. I just wanna get on the roller coaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is a great segue into our next comment from moving target one says you guys are holding thick back as a fellow suffer as a fellow sufferer of severe ADHD and learning difficulties I can empathize with his retarded running into everything vaguely interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So perhaps instead of yelling, try positive reinforcement as a way of rewarding him when he isn't being a gaping, prolapsed anus and maybe, just maybe he'll learn. Like have some treats or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the other thing about it is, even though we have a goal that we're trying to reach, it doesn't always work out, as you can see in a lot of the other videos, like we fail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not? I like this channel. I'm not gonna bet. No, this is not good. We're gonna make an animated series about a collection of sex toys that come to life at night when the parents aren't around.


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[Assistant] I think it had a somewhat strong start for a DC film, but then yea, weird ending.


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[Assistant] So you said, you know, who knows what's gonna happen, but I have a feeling that Iron Man is gonna die in Infinity War.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one that would raise the stakes the most is if they killed off Hulk. And then it raises the stakes tremendously because Hulk is a very endearing character. Or Colossus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna have to be careful of franchise fatigue, just like an Assassin's Creed game. All this stuff, if you make too many of them, it waters it all down. Star Wars, Disney, Star Wars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love Star Wars, but just don't fuck it up again. Doing okay so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I will say, Forest Whitaker's character was completely unnecessary, but the other characters I enjoyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people are, it's just entertaining when it's just interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just like, yeah. Or the fall asleep in the backseat and their eyes are wide open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, fix five are done. Yeah, who's next?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the story is good. Yeah, it's, it's well thought out. And there's characters you like. Yeah. Yeah. The Game of Thrones characters, they're, uh, they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like NASCAR. I like some racing, but I don't like, uh, the lack of like I'll, I'll watch some formula one or, or like drift or rally. Just, I enjoy that more. Like NASCAR is just so plain Jane to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a question, I don't know if any of you guys can answer this, but I was thinking this weekend, and by the way, the track, like I was at a bar, eating some dinner with my girl, and there was a NASCAR race on it, and that track was kinda cool, I think it was in Ohio, it wasn't just a circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was nice. It had some diversity in it. But the pace car thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like, like if you have say a half a lap lead, you're just killing it. And then that happens and now second place is right on your ass again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks neat, Spielberg. Dude, if you did that and the cars were like BattleBot spy cars, now we're talking. Yea, where you can get more dangerous, but no one's gonna get hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That mouse I drew was a good mouse. Which mouse? The one sniffing the butt. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I cut you off? You were explaining something with excerpts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that one, I feel like the lag added to the, uh, if you let yourself be convinced of it, it added to the epicness of it. It was kind of cool in some cases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've learned a lot though, like, like in that one, that big city, if that was all sitting on the ground, it wouldn't have, we couldn't have moved. But if you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weld it to one block that's on the ground. And now it's only one, you know. Then you can, you have a fighting chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time we tried it together, it almost worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems to be the scrap curse is we've, yeah, we've never had a perfect delivery on, on the vision, but that's how it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Liquid. Because it was from the dollar store and it was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I believe all, if not most, are from this or a cleanup detail. Cause I was assigned that. Simon says he's not in charge, but he told me exactly what to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, so this is from, what I like about this is it's, I even, I've kept the thread underneath, which I enjoyed a little bit. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then the first, uh, comment after from Jay-Z Studio says, watching them play it was more entertaining than actually playing it. So I guess there's that. And then we go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Hyper Arsenal, J-J-Jerl Stiff, re-evaluate your facial hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So looked at the, the picture there, right? Uh, and then Jurlstiff says, I wanted to shave it off, but your mom likes it too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then hype, that's what I love about our community. Then hyper arsenal comes back. Gerald Steff, wow, this is a Neebs community. It was constructive criticism, but if my mom likes it, you do you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is, uh, I'm gonna have one of these I hope every time we do something like this, Simon. I like conflicting comments that happen to be right next to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one on the bottom from Dalton24 says, oh my god, wanted this forever, please more of this game, god please, how much must I pay? Derp Derpels above it says, please don't play this shit again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BFF's engineer who's in our comments quite a bit, uhm, said, haha, mop squad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might have a couple extras, but uhm, this is from Mervyn Yap. I'm not sure if this has been asked before, but how do you guys manage to disassociate your actual names and your game ID names? I don't think I've ever heard anyone accidentally call the other person by their actual names in these videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this one, uh, from Marco Blockoff, and I figure we could at least answer this, because that's what we're here for. Where is 7 Days to Diet? I don't understand why you guys start a poll and don't play the game that comes on top. Explanation please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and my final one is advice column stuff from, uh, Peter Vysanen. I hope that you guys soon will be doing a commenting on comments. I was recently incarcerated. My mental health was bad before, but afterwards my look at life has deteriorated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was found guilty of throwing stones at the cops due to the fact I was going home and dressed in black, but I don't believe in violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My alcoholism and use of marijuana has gotten out of control. If I were to get things under control, what would you each advise me to do? Love, Peter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well if I were to get your things under control, well that's, that would be our advice, get your things under control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could probably do this podcast without him for a minute, yea? Of course we can!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah? Okay. Yeah. Oh, Destiny 2 is coming out. Ugh. Yeah, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, I don't know. I got tired, like, when I got to the ending of the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like the- I don't like the bullet sponge games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I shoot somebody in the head, they should die. Yeah, I feel like that too. Because you hit them in the head. Yeah, exactly, that's a vulnerable spot. But a lot of people really like that. Oh yeah, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why. Well, I have a small, it's like a sliver of time that I can get in there if I can, where my wife isn't either A, way too hammered, or B, completely fucking passed out where I can get some action. Yea, for a birthday. And yea, for a birthday you would expect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, it's less than a pinky size now. And, uh, she also, does anybody here know anybody that turns into a completely fucking different person when they get hammered? Like so bad that you are ashamed to know them. Yeah, that's my wife. No, I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny because like the last time that my wife got hammered, uh, and it wasn't on purpose. It's not like she goes out and gets hammered. She's a lightweight. She weighs like 85 pounds. I don't know how much she weighs, but me and her friend both saw it happen in her face. Like it went from like, yeah, good time, good time into just this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, like, all the color left her face. She went in complete black and white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As there should be. Yeah, yeah, I think it's like 100 bucks. Okay, gotcha. 100, 125. Same with Uber, but we, we made sure to keep her on the right, right side, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's awesome. Good stuff. I watched that movie on a plane. That was the worst place to watch that movie. So did I. I watched it on a plane too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is that something that you've always wanted to do though is like getting to directing as well or is that just?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just thought it was funny how she went from explaining how many family members are on who's who, and then immediately it's, I need dead bodies. That's what came out of her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I do like the element of getting into somebody else's server and, you know, interacting with random people. I just thought of a fun idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me go to bed with a stinky butt. I know how to wipe my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a little sandwich here, karate chop. Yeah, you swipe the card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duralius, I have a question for you. Could you do concerts at that theater? That'd be nice. And stand up. I would like to see some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you dare put your phone numbers. Or socials. We discourage that as well. It's a ballsy move anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was on a trip. I was doing, I was doing a new movie. It was really funny. I was in Vienna doing some research on a film I just finished. And I sat down at a restaurant and we were having this conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the young girl of course just butted right in, she's like, you, you real birdman? I said, me and my partner Nico were birdman, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was on him and you just saw he was finally getting the attention he always, the love that he always wanted. You see the slightest of a smile on his face and then the camera just flew up over him and then into the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wire act off to the actors who Emma and Zach were, you know, appropriately petrified to death because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in our group, four of us, we have two sort of directors and two writers. Nico and I are the geeks who sit with pencils. Alejandro and Armando are more directing visual beasts. And we all contribute to the story and then we separate and then come together. The four of us were working on a TV series called The 1%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ours is a farm show that takes place in Ohio. So the stars haven't aligned exactly right, but looks like we'll start finally shooting next spring. We were supposed to shoot this spring, but it got pushed a year. But Chivo's directing the first two episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, the producers had faith, Arne Milchen had faith, and let him do it. And, you know, the film cost...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's more trouble with story than there was with the sort of epic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were all Hispanic, so I would just go and speak them in Spanish and say, I got beer, can I just sit inside? So, backward correlates line or whatever was playing, I'd give the guys the beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a play about a father and daughter in Washington Heights, which is where I was born and my father grew up. A real sort of kitchen sink old fashioned play that's still one of my wife's favorite things that I've written, but it just timing wasn't right and Rosie got the view and backed out and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I feel, you know, when you write stuff, there's a time and period where you do it and then you're a different human being. I feel like it is what it is and I'm very affectionate toward it, but I don't think, I don't think I could go back. But I'll tell you what's happening right now. My partner and my, who's become my brother since Birdman, Nico Giacobone, has taken the Folding a Monster script.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris is my best buddy for my whole life, where each other's kids got parents and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, Alejandro called me with Birdman while I was writing The Bodyguard. So, I was doing okay. My plays got done in New York in 2009. Still life was done. But it wasn't until 2007.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm scared to death, truly, uhm, but excited at the same time. And if I fuck it up, I can always just write stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they just don't think they can. Yeah, every time we have our first meeting, these, these are, some of these kids are against it, you know? And every time we have our first meeting after the show, I always sneak in my Oscar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I let them all, you know, hold it and take pictures, do whatever they want. And I was like, I swear to God, if I could go from where I was to here, do anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can do it, you know, it's it's a matter of competence and I try to tell him that like I don't mean to get heavy on your show now, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But everybody skips that first step and just thinks, I got a great idea for screenplay. There it is. And it's all derivative of something else they've seen and has no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm watching myself like an idiot back neck my arm around Michael and, and I see myself reach into my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like to me, there are certain singers who it was like, did somebody lose a bet to have to give these people a record deal? Alright, real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is a music artist that you say to yourself, there's no way this person should have received a record deal or have ever made an album?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Tom Petty's music a lot. Absolutely. Uh, for me, another one is Dave Matthews. I respect him as a songwriter and musician, but he sounds like a donkey. Hee-haw-haw, hee-haw, hee-haw, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was praying to Jesus one night, the devil showed up, was like, hey, I'll make you a deal. You'll get a record deal with your voice, I just need your soul. And he's like, I can even write a song about cheeseburger? You can write a song about whatever the fuck you want. Okay!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We saw Margaritaville in Mexico. I was on vacation in Mexico recently. It was like my first vacation in a long time. So it's an invasive species. But yeaah, it was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mentioned Mexico, I had a funny incident in Mexico with a cab driver. This really really old guy, like he could have gone at any moment during the cab ride. But his phone rang, and he had the most interesting ringtone. It was two cats viciously fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking nuts. I will give a pro tip about traveling to Mexico, specifically Cancun. If you're gonna go there, only take carry-on, which was what we did, because the lines to check your luggage in in Cancun back onto a plane, if you want to check it onto a plane, two and a half hours long, like the whole day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get emails all the time from people saying, Hey, we want to do a sponsored video with you guys. So you know, that's an option, but normally when they contact us, it's for shit that we don't want to do. A lot of times it's like mobile games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fear, I don't even throw out like a ridiculous number because my fear is one of these days I'm gonna be like, okay. Now we gotta do a candy crush. We gotta do a candy crush, yeah. We're getting paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I love pizza, don't get me wrong. Well no, here's what I want to say because I just did something on Twitter. I posted a picture of pizza with ham and pineapple on it. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's, there's like a lot of shit going on the internet right now where people are pissed off saying that no,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can, I can help you with that. Which part? The, the writing to corporate, the things that you can do with that, because there are some companies that they will get so scared that they will bend over backwards as soon as you contact certain people, like, uh, attorney general and- Better business bureau? Not, not just better business bureau, but like attorney general is the one that they're like, fuck, we don't want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but we're gonna show you. Yeah, the unboxing I guess right now. It's right in front of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How big would you say it is? Uh, I would say that that is 18 inches by 21 inches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Wait. Statistically. Okay, I started listening at smaller penis. You should have listened to the stuff before, it was great. Thick does. Thick does. Did you, did you find that tape measure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right at the, right at the moment. So what do we do? What do we do to talk about? Is that it? We're done talking about it? Yea, we're done with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I really liked bowling on like the Wii and shit, because you had these crazy like, now you've got literally a thousand pins, and it's really difficult to play. That was fun. That little bowling game, yea. Yea, and you're like, damn, this is great. Okay. So yea, do stuff like that. Something like that, or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I care about you being right and not wrong. So in other words, we're better off not knowing you than knowing you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that until Thicc said that, because before that I thought that Thicc people were all ugly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, listen, I love women of all sizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's beautiful. And Neve seemed to think that it would be worth money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes it easier though if you can just listen to the president. You know? Like I just want to listen to what he says. Cause I'll just trust that. He, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably still looking for one, aren't you? So if you want to try out one of Time Magazine's best inventions of 2015, risk free for 100 nights with a money back guarantee and free shipping and returns to US and Canada, then go to www.casper.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you add a little forward slash needs in there, you get $50 off any mattress purchase. Uh, and by the way, Casper beds, they have over 20,000 reviews on an average of 4.8 stars and it's quickly becoming the internet's favorite mattress. So there you go. Thank you, Casper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was alright. Yeaah, no, it was good. I'm, I'm interested now I'm pondering life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, we've gotten some shit over some religious talk. Why? I've read comments. Why? And it just, it just gets tricky. I don't think anyone's wrong. Shit gets tricky. That's my angle. Yeah, let's leave it be. Nobody's wrong. We all make fun of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cuz I have no airbags. Yeah, it's a real gem. Got it for a steal though. I did, I got a good deal. Listen, I had a fucking mechanic, that mechanic who I bought this car from, he actually told me this with a straight face cuz I said the check engine light came on and he goes, oh, that doesn't mean anything, you worry too much. Oh my god, that guy. He says, it does!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard that their study, this is a total thick fact, but I've heard that if you look at the deaths that happened before the seatbelt laws, the car seats for the kids and all of this stuff, the deaths per capita are pretty much the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you're gonna have to probably do is fix the problem yourself. I've talked to him. And then get the money back afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Red pepper spray? No, my mom, when I would say something bad, my mom, she'd freak out, she'd grab me in like a headlock, she'd bring me over to the cabinet, grab red pepper flakes, and stick them in my mouth. That's more effective than, uh, yeaah. It's like Italian torture. Yeaah, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a public school for me. Man, the south is an interesting place. Yes it is. Cause really up north, yeah, the nuns, that was really fucked up too. Cause like five minutes before I went in, the nuns were still hitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of teachers get burnt out. And yea, tainted. So they started all doughy eyed, I'm gonna help these children. And then like three years later, they're like, fuck you. Fuck you all. You little shit. You know, like that happens sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's cool about YouTube is you've got this, you could pretty much learn everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say to my kids, we had to go to another building. We had to go across town to go into another building during certain hours, then go talk to somebody, then go into a catalog, look through the catalog to go find a book to read something that you could just hit a button and say, what is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was supposed, we were supposed to get him and the day before he ended up going away and it got canceled. So I did not reschedule that yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are, right now, uh, have already stopped listening. They listened to this five minutes in and they're like, what the hell is this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're so judgemental about foods, you can't just enjoy something. It's like, here's a hot fudge sundae. That's not food. As you eat an almond joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I exercise at least five days a week. I can get away with eating some shitty foods sometimes. I do it in moderation. It's not like I wake up and just guzzle some saltwater taffy or something. I think you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, okay, so I almost died in that one, but the second one that I did was last night, and let me ask you guys something. What do you think about, like, girls that are a little bit thicker? In what way? Like, like a big ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a girl in this bootcamp last night, and she was a little bit th- I mean, she was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It comes down to the heart, doesn't it? I guess it does, but I looked at her and I was like, man, that is a beautiful girl. She is hot. So if you're a thick lady, listen, that's no pun intended, but if you got a little meat on your bones, hey, it's, it is all good. Nothing wrong with a little meat. I would have eaten this girl all up. See, I didn't, I didn't know that until


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Media and political parties are the most polarizing thing in this entire world. More so than racism. And I encourage everybody out there to just be cool to one another and disassociate yourself from any media source or political party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But actually in sports though, at the end of a game, even though you're like, ah, fuck, we lost. Good game. Like it still should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would make a raft out of all the people that I killed to get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well people get really upset when Neeb sings Jesus take the wheel in his truck. They're like honking, they're like, please sir, stop. So you better be careful with that religious singing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to talk about an experience that I had over


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Car shopping, it's an awful experience to me, looking for a car. Where'd you go? I went to Bob King, GMC. I have never bought a car from a car dealer in my life. Good story. Yeaah. It is a good story. So, you pull up to one of these places and, you know, you've got all the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a guy who looked like my Uncle Barry and I was like, that's the guy. I'm buying a car from this guy. I have to buy a car from this guy. And he was really cool. And then we figured out a deal and I bought a car and you bought a car. Yeah. Well, yeah, but there's not a quarter mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he told me that the reason why the check engine light was on is because the battery in the key fob that starts the car was low. And I said, that doesn't seem right. And I'm probably going to use the internet to check it. Are you sure you want to go with that? Because you can just put me in a different car right now and fix it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we went back and forth and back and forth. I had to take my daughter who was with me home, like with this, you know, check engine light on. I came back. Their service department wasn't open. So they, I had to twist their arm to take it to another dealership and he's like, yeah, it was the key fob. I said, okay. The other dealership said that he said the other dealership said that, but they didn't have any paperwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I leave, check engine light comes on, I go back in there and I'm full blown thick. Thick 44, mad at Neebs. Like, it was like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did at one point, I started hearing my voice reverberate through their, you know, facility and I'm like, okay, you gotta, you gotta calm down. They put me in a different vehicle after me twisting their arm to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, well, yeah, just come back on Monday. Everything will be all good. So I decided to tweet to GMC about this and GMC got right back to me and the customer service manager over there found out about it and she set up a meeting with me. She's like, I really wish you wouldn't have tweeted to GMC about this. I wish you would have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, well, you know, I was pretty hot about it. You know, a check engine like could mean anything. And at worst case scenario, if I'm in the car with my daughter and the engine just stops and somebody T bones me, you know, repercussions are terrible. I'm not talking about lawsuit. I'm talking about, you know, human injury lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said so you can understand how hot I was, but the customer service experience when you blow somebody off or give them an excuse to get them out the door, it's pretty transparent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, my mom being from Spain, I didn't get the switch or the belt. I got the chancla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was usually her flip flop or her slipper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were at dinner at a friend's house. I think I was probably 11 years old. I thought it'd be funny to pull a chair up from under her when she went to sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It worked. I don't condone hitting people. I'm okay with that though. I respect you for not saying anything. Because you took your medicine. You gotta respect somebody that takes their medicine. You do something bad, you get repercussions from it, and you take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your heart's into it, then props to you. You don't get paid enough, but we love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching a live streamer. She was, she's an artist. She was doing digital drawings on Photoshop and there were a lot of people in her chat saying you inspired me to draw again. You inspired me to paint. You inspired me to get Photoshop and do this, this and this. So, you know, that's the, that's the other side of the coin too, where you have people who are inspiring. Who's that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to pull up, you know, Photoshop and just start messing around with different techniques. I do the backgrounds for some of our shows sometimes, so it's fun to watch what he does and maybe try to apply it to what we do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I noticed about you. You like to go back in time, uh, to about the mid-1990s and grab small penis jokes. Like, you're, you're smarter than that these days, huh? I feel like it, right? You would think. Meh. Huh. I've been around apps for a while, though. No, then you would just be drawing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Maybe I'll Google this, I'm gonna pause the video right now. Hey, I would print a paddleboard or a kayak. Those are two things that I want to have- You'd be good at-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody here ever have a speech impediment growing up? I mean, Neebs, you still kinda have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess so. You're right. That's a good point. The reason why I ask that is because I had a speech impediment. I had to go to a speech therapist. Mmhm. Where I would say my SH's and my CH's are like on the side of my- Like that? Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah, exactly. Sorry about that. Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes I am. That was difficult to deal with early on.


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[Assistant] I'm flying through the air! How many people did she beat up for making fun of her? She is a wiry girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beat the shit out of me. Roundhouse, front snap kick. You were raising your hand, Simon. I was, cause I was gonna add- Trying to dry the spit off his arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't come up? Damn it, it did, but then an ad came up. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a speech impediment, I'm still small, before anybody jumps on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and I recently watched a video, Casey Neistat, he's got a video called, Do What You Can't, and it's just basically about uhm, tightroping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it about? What's it about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, you know, no matter what anybody says to you, go for what you want. Fuck the haters. You know, he features other YouTubers in it and celebrates content creators. And like when I saw that video, I was like, wow, it actually hit me in like, you know, I don't have a heart, but then it kind of hit me in a place where I had a heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point in time. You know, growing up, being bullied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I was told a lot that, you know, I couldn't do certain things. Like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first started playing football, I wasn't any good. And in school, I got bad grades. Because you just started playing football. But I was also told I was stupid, that I wouldn't amount to anything. Yep. And that sort of... They were right. Yep. That got it on, they nailed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but really like to, to go after a goal, especially as something as far-fetched as what we do and achieving it is pretty awesome. And yeah, fuck the haters. You do have a heart thick. It's 3D printed, but hell of a heart. Along with the kayak and the battle board that I want. Fuck a bully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neves can go over there and get it for you, he probably doesn't even have to climb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My neighbor said that uhm, whenever his wife sees a movie like that, or reads a book like that, for the next two weeks, his sex life is pretty stellar. Sure, let him, let him read it. Hell yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it. Yep, I said, uh, she should have propped me up on her shoulder like a little jerboa from-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nick was cool. The place was cool. Looked like a great place to work. Like my wife works at a really cool building. They have a dog park, a restaurant. It's just really awesome looking. But YouTube makes her job look like a kill shelter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hobbits. Yep, a lot of hobbits. Yep. Yep. But there's more to horror.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to go to Dubai. That place seems nice. Well, apparently. Seems crowded. It's probably very expensive. I'd like to see some tall shit there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was a pretty decent flow. Except for all that stuff earlier that you know who was talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, right now the length that they're at seems fine. Perfection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, if you don't know what Niebs looks like, which most of you don't, um, the distance from his eyebrows to the top of his head is about an inch and a half because it's that kind of southern mountains small brain thing going on that you have. You're like a southern caveman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, this podcast was as deep as a jello shot. This was one of the worst ever. I had a good time. I disagree, I had a really good time. No, no, I had a great time. Oh. But it was still, wait, what are you doing? You're a hard flicker guy.


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[Assistant] Well. There's variables here. Tell us, Darius. What's your insight on this? If the talking thing, if keeping you there in this like new friend zone where it wasn't that way to begin with is more of a manipu- like if it hurts him. Like on the burner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. What's the first name here? Uh, Ritsu. We'd love to meet you Ritsu. We'd love to go dancing Ritsu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most likely. This one takes place in the future. Mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they went to like a Far Cry level, cause Far Cry animals interact with each other all fucking day long. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, I like that technique because you, you roughly know what's going on even more since you already watched it. Yep. So you can kind of like tie that to some words you may be lacking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, the lady and I, uh, we really enjoyed Mr. Robot. Yes. Quite a lot. Like, talk about, uhm, bold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like professionals with the sponsor stuff on there. And you guys were like, oh no, no, no, it's not usually like that. I saw a guy in the park the other day, I almost stopped to take a picture of him. He was fucking wearing spandex riding his fucking bike. He's like 50 years old, chubby, it's got skittles on his fucking spandex. That motherfucker's not sponsored by skittles and that's the kind of shit that annoys me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to justify it. Well. Oh, when you said Kleenex, I thought you said Clorox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People shit themselves. Talking through it too. You gotta talk through it. I'm doing this for smallpox. Yea, have like a speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a real one. I think that this should be done. It would save so much water pee in the shower day. Well, that's like every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should be a better system for pissing. All that water wasted just for a little bit of pee. I saw a video the other day of like, uh, not a water bottle, but something you can buy is like a water capsule. It's almost like this, uh, the water is contained in this little gelatin ball. But you can eat the entire ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end of the last podcast, we were like, hey, topics, sometimes we have, we lack on what to talk about. From the audience. From the audience. So I went through, like, all the comments, at least last week I did, and at that point, so I got some stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little bits of information, like, you know, we watched the, uh, was it the new Thor trailer? Yeah, we want to have a trailer, yeah. Right. You know who that chick is that we were like, oh, she's hot, she's not hot. Do you know who she is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great tool when you're trying to sell snacks, not when you're trying to run the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a suggestion though, from JME experience, is we should do a drunk podcast. And that would be a fun, designated, we can all crash it at APSRO's house and kinda like do one a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Darker Night 22 says that we should start doing like competitions at the end of the podcast where we give away signed goodies and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, stay tuned Internet. There's news for ya. What do you think about weed being legal? Says AJ Help. Lots of subscribers are probably stoned. Talk about the recent marijuana legalization. What do you think? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I attended a funeral recently, uh, for a relative and it was actually a lot of fun, uh, because of my family. My family is genuinely kind of lighthearted by nature. Like we make fun of anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kind of what we did. I mean, we did have like the, um, the whole sit down, the preacher talk, like that, that was probably the worst part of it. And I learned something about my relative. He was a Mason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. It's like, you know, he was, you know, he was a Mason and you know, we, you know, when, when one of our members dies, we say these things and we, we cite these chants and yada, yada, yada. Yeah. It was very cultish. Yeah. But it was like, yeah, it was, it just caught me off guard because I've never seen that at a funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want a casket full of beer. Yeah. Hey, come on in, have a good time. That's brilliant. I want party music, you know. Perfect. Hey, stripper. Mhmm. Stripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one thing I wonder about the funeral industry. The funeral industry seems to me is going to go through a massive change in the way I think funerals are handled. Because traditional funerals, I think, are we alone in this? Like traditional funerals kind of suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A skang G said, uh, you guys could talk about some different jobs you've had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like no, the rejection was just, and I was trying to sell something good, at least I was told it was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worked at Foodline. That was probably the shittiest job I had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Anthony, he used to work at Foodline. Yep. We saved him. Before we brought him onto our bosoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not food line, but at a grocery store. Cart boy? Yeah, me too. Yeah, it was just- I was a bag boy and a cart boy. That's a cart boy. Well, a cart boy would do the- would do the carts in the parking lot, and then- That can't be a whole job. At that end, when they needed somebody to bag them. So is bag boy a different position? Back then, the cashier would bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all know that right? The fact that they added the self-checkout is wonderful. When they added that in my, the one that I go to, I was like, this is perfect. I don't ever have to deal with hearing bullshit conversation that's in front of me. Do your fucking job. Stop making small talk with a fucking girl about their fucking glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. Let's get into a more positive thing. Let's talk about- Do you have any positive topics in there? Well, one positive thing is we're sponsored by Dollar Shave Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an awesome life hack and a no-brainer. You no longer have to go to the store to buy cheap disposable razors that give you cheap shave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it helps prevent ingrown hair and fight razor bumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can make the smarter choice by joining the Dollar Shave Club. And for a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their Dr. Carver Shave Butter for only five bucks with free shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a $15 value for only five bucks. And in your first month box, you get an awesome weighty handle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Focus set of four cartridges and a tube of their shave butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. There are no hidden fees and no commitments and you can cancel anytime. And you can only get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash Neebs. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash Neebs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't watched the second one yet, but I did watch the first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you like the Breaking Bad universe, it's kind of cool, but yeaah, it has nowhere near the, uh, the pacing that made Breaking Bad so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I recently jumped on to Hulu. We got a free trial for it for a month and I just want to check it out and I'm very happy with it, uh, because it has all the adult swim shows. So at night when I've been going to bed I usually put on an episode or two of uh, Squidbillies. Squidbillies. And I love some damn squidbillies. Yes you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is- okay, that's on Hulu? I like the show. Alright, I'll check it out. I'll check it out. Vikings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, in the, uh, well, at first he's not, I mean, he, he kinda, that's what I thought was intriguing about the show to me, it was like, he was, he was trying to do the, like, I'm gonna be the good lawyer route, and then kinda, you see him kinda going off of the, like, alright, being good's getting me nowhere, I'm gonna start being this piece of shit lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, it does. Yeah. Uh, I'm watching. You ever see leftovers? It's on HBO.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Nope. Nope. See, season three just started, that's a weird fuckin' show, and it's really good. It's a cooking show. Leftovers. Leftovers. See now, one of you out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this, if you don't know about the show and this, you get this in the first five minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point, two percent of the population disappears. And then it flashes forward to three years later. So just imagine what the fuck society does after all of a sudden two percent of the population disappears. Where do the minds go of the people who are left and the shit that goes on with the people who lost people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking weird. And then it gets weirder. It's pretty weird. The leftovers. I hope it pays off. Yeaah. Yeaah, that's the thing man. And it's only three seasons, this is the thing. I like the fact that it's a three season, this is the final season, done. That's what makes a good show, that's why Breaking Bad was good. They knew exactly where they wanted to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But still, it was like, you know, every show kinda has a drag sometimes. Sure. Well damn, anything else? How's your car? That's my car? Yeah, how's your car? Your Saab? We haven't talked about your car in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People wanna know, Simon. Let's just say I still haven't gone to the lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got the proof, I got the proof, I got the receipts, I got everything, all I gotta do is make an appointment with a lawyer and I don't want to because it's annoying but I will because if somebody fucks you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Versace Kalachi speaking. Who the fuck is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Well you said yeaah back to him quite a few times. I did, I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I often, thank you so much Ms. Heather, I often wonder why I can't seem to tap into that mom demographic with my humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many, I love the dudes, I love them. Listen, I'm, I'm always stoked to see dudes in my shows. It's a lovely thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, guys, I added a show at the, the Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival and, uh, a late show, May 8th at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. That's a cemetery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, so our son Ellis does present would you rathers. All the time. Unprompted by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, we've got three different strands of viruses going through our house right now. I've got all three of them. You somehow don't have any of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think because you're on all cylinders right now, like you've got porosos, you've got touring, you've got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you, but when you're in like adrenaline, your body's like, not now dude, but the minute you calm down, like when we're on like a vacation next week, that's when your body's gonna be like, alright bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ready to do this? Oh, talk, talk about, talk about practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't learn this beat. I'm working on Billie Jean right now, which is just a straightforward, you know, one, two, three, one, two, three, four, two, three, fours, the kick drum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I love this clip. By the way, it says POV, a Gen-Zer cuts in front of you and others throw stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that there's more mentally ill people in Gen Z. It's that TikTok and Instagram have given them a fantastic platform for us to appreciate them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what used to happen is they'd be like, let's call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but that's why the woman knows she has societal pressure to keep herself from being attacked. So societal pressure of this guy being shamed as an attacker, as someone that beat up a trauma survivor. That's her protective layering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't, you don't allow the tantruming kid to get their way in this.


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[Assistant] They should be like, ma'am, you need to get your life, collect yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I think they just need to start institutionalizing people again. I think that the biggest mistake was deinstitutionalizationals when Reagan deinstitutionalized all the crazies onto the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you see, but yeah, this is, this is just mental illness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's, oh wow. I think I like his artwork actually. And he's got most of his teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, ask somebody that had a mentally ill family member. I can without question. I can without that. Yeah. Put them away, dude. Medicaid. Take care of. I could visit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are huge fans of factor meals around this office because it keeps everybody on track with their diet and it's so easy. Eating better is easy with factors, delicious, ready to eat meals. Every fresh, never frozen meal is chef crafted, dietitian approved and ready to go in just two minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll have over 35 different options to choose from every week, including calorie smart protein plus and keto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, there are more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and going all day long. What are you waiting for? Get started and get after your goals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love these, the two minute meals. Fuel up fast with factors. Restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat whenever you are. That's the best part, especially if you're a bachelor. We have a lot of bachelors in the office and they love the two minute meals. Pancakes, smoothies, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast, midday bites, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Factor is the perfect solution if you're looking for fast, premium options with no cooking required.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head to factormeals.com slash YMH50 and use code YMH50 to get 50% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's code YMH50 at factormeals.com slash YMH50 to get 50% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I wanted to also point out that Shaggy and Violent J pointed out something that we kind of touched upon, but they really articulated and the audience really resonated with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never really thought of it as gay, but this is another layer to our discussion about going airtight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, again, another layer to all of this we hadn't even considered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so your dick and ball heavier, it's leaning, it's slanted that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. So this is actually really nice because it fulfills a woman's wish for once. It's not just all about the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of holes and two hands for, what does you say Josh Dallow? Extra credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I did that, I think it would traumatize me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what, what did he, they asked the question who wants to go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now that we think about it, the one's zone, the one's zone that will be free of any dude-age might be the mouth, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the vag is, so the mouth is first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's life changing moments when to quit a job, when to have children, get married, but also when to go airtight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so great, Tanner. And what I love about, uh, Tanner is that he is just, I mean, he's at, he's presenting as somewhat normal right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll keep checking in with you. Congrats on your- Congrats on that. Yeah, kill Tony. That's huge. Yep. Good for you. Good for Tony Hinchcliffe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it's become is absolutely amazing. It's amazing. And by the way, Tony makes me laugh so much in the green room. He's so funny. He's, you know, what I love about him as a comic is like, he's funny just sitting around. Yeah, yeah. He's really funny. He'll throw out jokes in the green room where you're like, you didn't just, I laughed so hard. Like you didn't just do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what made me want to puke, you reading that airtight email? What? Is when they refer to the fuck room as the playroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play, puh, play, play. But play is for children, so it's kind of for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much, maybe we'll get into this when our kids leave the nest. I think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think too, this is like, hey, I just graduated with a liberal arts degree. Let me throw every fucking dumb thing they taught me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love it. I think this is great. We should round up the mentally ill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and also I don't, you know, like I see women too, like in the anti-feminist or feminist TikTokers and they're like, it's society. So it's like, you know what? At some point you just have to stop blaming the external world. You just need to figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom and I, at some point in our marriage, would go to Koreatown and order sushi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would chastise us, you ordered too much food, and we're like, we're gonna finish it, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll bet then to your, uh, in your defense, there was also women who wanted to feed you. Remember Summer? Our beloved Sonny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I felt like a little competition from her when you and I were dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's this sonny? Cause I heard you told me the story and I started to get jealous. Who's this fucking bitch feeding my man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let me tell you something. When a woman feeds you, she likes you. Or, in my case, if I feed you, I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember though, I started cooking for you, and I don't just cook for any old piece of D that comes to my apartment. That's when a woman loves you. Yea, that's true. That's a real sign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This just brings me back. See, you know what I'm learning the older I get, is that as crazy as my parents were, are, every now and then they say stuff


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That rings true. And you're like, god damn it. And like, do I have to admit that my crazy parent is right? Like, remember my dad? My dad was dating this American woman. And that was like the last American he dated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I know it's a, oh, it's a patriarchy, this and that. But like, listen, at the end of the day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My nature is to, to give love, to be the center of the house, to provide love and comfort to my family. And that makes me really happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess it's not, you know, feminist or whatever, but every now and then I bring you a plate of salami. They're watching movie together. It's nice, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be limping. Done. No rehabbing that shit. They cut it right off. Hey, can I tell you what I did yesterday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was homesick, and for the first time in my life, I watched Wheel of Fortune. I mean, not the first time in my life, since I was like a kid. Yeah. Dude, do you remember watching that shit? I haven't seen it forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, that's the position, but she's like, no, you keep me, you fucking piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't watch today's, I watched the old Wheel of Fortune. And you know when you're a kid and you're like, you see the fabulous prizes and you're like, dude, they're like millionaires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The prizes were so fucking whack. Uhm, but I did want to point out how attractive and thin people were. And if you could bring up, there's a contestant on there. This is from the 80s named Pam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look how foxy. So Pam worked at a high end car dealership.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thousand percent. And what I liked about Pam's whole thing is that she's not dressing like a hoe at the car dealership. She's probably dressed kind of like this. Maybe she shows her clavicles to show vulnerability.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's classy, and what Pam says to you is if you buy this car...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, so Pam went for the jugular on this episode. She just absolutely crushed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, he goes, you know, what you should do is watch Wheel of Fortune when you're sick. And I was like, that makes sense. Cause when you're a child and you're home from school, that's all you watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This stupidity where you think they're millionaires cause they got a free fucking mirror. It was so funny. That's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, uh, I can't even watch Jeopardy though, cause I feel like too much of a gummy. I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There has to be a way that they prepare the contestants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That alone, Tom, can I just tell you something? I wouldn't even be able to answer it properly. I'd be so nervous. It's in the form of a question. What is the Ganges? I would fail every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you're lying, is this one of those stories you tell the kids at bedtime?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the ambulance stopped and then they puked on each other and then. You've been lying a lot. This is the poo pile. This is Jeopardy. Why would they offer you Jeopardy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to go Sagura V. Kreischer. That would be fun.


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[Assistant] Agent G, you're pretty smart. You could do Jeopardy.


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[Assistant] I feel like he's smart. He knows stuff. We don't know stuff about stuff.


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[Assistant] The Chryshers did do it. Yea, they did. Where's Leanne?


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[Assistant] Oh there she is, she looks great! Awwww. Whale Burt. Oh look at his face, oh my god.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would do celebrity family farts, feuds, family feud.


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[Assistant] I think I'm half decent at this game. Half decent. Jeopardy would be a wash for me. I'm an idiot.


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[Assistant] I know a lot about very stupid things. Very little stupid things. I don't got general knowledge.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm pretty sure they do. Cause it's always for charity, right? Google some Jeopardy, let's see if we can do it.


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[Assistant] There's a test? You can do the fake test. Let's write it down. You have to answer in the form of a question. What is retarded?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then they take money, the money that you gambled away from your amount. So like, how much can you even win playing Jeopardy? Cause this is an awful lot of prep work for a fucking game show.


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[Assistant] Oh shit. All right, here we go. Don't forget to answer in the form of a question. I'm so scared. We're a celebrity, Jeffery. Dummy Jeffery.


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[Assistant] Alright, alright, fine, fine. You guys can be a team. Okay, we'll be a team. Team Jeans?


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[Assistant] Oh. Oh, Vodka! What is vodka? I know that.


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[Assistant] Potatoes, vodka, I know this one. Okay, five simple words. It's a xeroph- XEROPHOBIA!


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[Assistant] Oh fuck. What is that shit that's in Italy? That fucking shit.


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[Assistant] Oh fuck, 3 G's. This is exhausting. This block of geese. Gays.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I don't watch classic films. Just a streetcar named Desire. I'm an idiot. I watch eighties movies.


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[Assistant] We could probably do this. If two people be one contestant on Jeopardy!


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[Assistant] That would be the best episode ever. That was really exciting. We didn't do half bad!


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[Assistant] Like I'm, feel it. They're so clammy. It's not just my viral illness. I'm so nervous. It's that time constraint. And then you have to like, remember when they write it down? That would make me absolutely baddie.


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[Assistant] And here's the thing, the other pressure, this is solo, you've got two smart


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[Assistant] Oh, I know. By the way, speaking of game shows, I can't believe I haven't mentioned this yet, but I am on this season of Is It Cake? on Netflix.


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[Assistant] Uhm, as our children watch it, we watch it as a family and it was such an honor to do Is It Cake? Uh, it was so much fun. I can't wait for you guys to see me on that episode. That's so cool. I had such a good time. Speaking of dinner. Such a silly show.


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[Assistant] She doesn't deserve this. This is phenomenal. Yeah. Go after the pompous British guy. There you go. Punch up. Yeah. Not down kids.


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[Assistant] Incorrect. The proper etiquette is to face grinder.


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[Assistant] I'm glad we take pee breaks, it makes me feel like I can focus. We realize that you can if you want to. You can do what you want.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I imagine you do because you're so stressed out. It's so stressful.


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[Assistant] What is I Have Diarrhea? I'd be so nervous. I'd be so, cause I realized when I was on Is It Cake that is, even that's like a silly fun show.


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[Assistant] When the timer is on and you have to make a choice, it's really scary.


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[Assistant] Where does this thing exist normally? This thing is not your house. This should be out in nature.


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[Assistant] The ears are high, signifying you can hear very well.


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[Assistant] Have it rip your face off in your sleep. Eight grand.


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[Assistant] Because it's a cartoon method. It's what Tom and Jerry did.


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[Assistant] Yeah, your smells dictate. This, this would give me just loose stools. Yeah. With a lot of farts. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I've been following this person and every video they're super upset about something to be upset for about.


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[Assistant] Oh, I think they have a great look. I like the door knocker. I'm always a fan of door knocker. Door knocker's cool.


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[Assistant] Planning. I guess what I'll do is like, uh, charity work. I'll, you know, volunteer a lot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, fuck yeah. Well basically I'm gonna do all the stuff you wouldn't let me do in life. Let you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause there's no limits in this part of the world.


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[Assistant] Why would an adult man need trainer codes for poking men? Why do you think?


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[Assistant] Of course. Yeah, yesterday he's like, can I open, can I have chat? I'm like, absolutely not.


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[Assistant] I have to say that it is a lot, that drum fill that he did. It would throw off the rest of the instruments from what I understand. Cause he's making it about him a little too much and then the other people can't. It's too much. You're supposed to assist the other folks, right? I don't know.


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[Assistant] You know how those people, they look on the beach, zzzz, maybe it's a metal detector? And it's, maybe it's metal detecting?


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[Assistant] My favorite part of the day. Ohhhh. Fuckin' A. Consistency is what I like to see. Oh wonky eyes. Consistency.


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[Assistant] I've been put on this bit twice today and I'm exhausted.


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[Assistant] People do not realize how much energy this type of extracurricular takes out of you.


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[Assistant] I'm so exhausted. I had a girl coming over soon and then I had to cancel because I just can't. I've only got so much to give.


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[Assistant] What that's for in one day. So I think we're going to hit my 365 way before day 365 to be honest.


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[Assistant] But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be 5'3 and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you. A high value man. So you go ahead.


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[Assistant] Wow, look at that one. Wow, that guy's crazy and then he looks...


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[Assistant] I had such an amazing, all amazing shows, all amazing. I saw the lightning crew, my goth friends in SF that I grew up with.


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[Assistant] But I'm happy to see you, I haven't seen you. You're so handsome, you work so hard lately.


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[Assistant] That's why I'm back on Lexapro, number one.


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[Assistant] So I'm basically, yeaah, I've decided to just dial it up for the last 20 years of my life.


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[Assistant] Not true. Here's why. And you and I both have this in our genetics. We've got one dud genetically.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and my dad lives off of vodka, viagra, and sausage.


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[Assistant] She literally eats like a toddler. It's either fried chicken, fried french fries, or Starburst. My dad doesn't even eat.


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[Assistant] Anyway, and then my mother just had a lot of mental illness and I feel like that shuts your body down and cancers and all this other stuff. And she took care of, she actually tried to take care of herself a little bit.