[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your mom's house. And here we are. 400 episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, work in this space made beautiful music. And then, we make, we make different types of music here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't wait. Here you go. Let's get it started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four hundred episodes of that opening song. It never gets old to me. I still like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So, yeah, I love, I can, I think I've told on another podcast before, but Ryan Match, the match man down in Breast Balls Beach, Florida, he created that opening


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Song and a bunch of like the segment intros. And I remember sending him clips and being like, here's Mr. T. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's Coach Ice. But you know, left it to him to be creative with it. And he came up with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it went to your mom in the fucking stands. Yeah. And then there was, uh, who was Randy that had nothing that looks like, you know what that looks like. That's your coffee. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, uh, Randy was, uh, is Randy. That was hall of fame, tight end for the Baltimore Colts. Yeah. Um, I can't, I just drew a blank on his name. Uh, but he had dementia and, um, let me look, let me look it up through it is so I can, I can tight end. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she goes, you know, we repeat the conversations and when he asked me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when are we leaving? I tell him, uh, Randy, the made up name of a mechanic, is working on the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they cut to the interviewer and the interviewer goes, John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she's the only one that's flat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well I guess that's not the people call me snake, but you get the point. Oh, here we go, here we go. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be a big part of when you, that would negate your first statement. I've never been afraid of them, except for the first 12 years of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those types of things are a big part of the culture these days. Statements that don't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double plus good. I'd rather focus on whether eating ass is gay or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this lady makes a great point, and it's something I really wanted to highlight this. Everyone was like, what's special about episode 400? What's gonna go on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This clip was sent in and it made me think of what would be a better...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, celebration of this podcast, then if legitimately in episode 400, we can get you to open up your eyes, open up your heart, open up your mind, and ultimately open up your mouth to lick my rear end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you just, but can you just for this episode, no, for the episode can you entertain the idea? Just for this podcast. Entertain the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, just for you doing that, I think that, uh, there's like a need to celebrate that you just, just that you're entertaining the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is just, you know what, somebody that I want you to mirror. It's not the next Mrs. Cigarra, but I want you to be like, oh, I could be just like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're big on logic, you're big on philosophy, just listen to what she has to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's jump on this journey together. I'm holding your hand. Let's go through this whole thing and see if this lady can convince you otherwise, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she's saying that that's what she does and let's see why she does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so right away you know that there's ladies out there that go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but they're not- She's not saying like, she goes, uh-huh. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's an interesting statement. Not that I had this fear anyways, but just I'm saying she has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So, it's uh, it's- It's disrespectful, firstly. But doing it is- It's just like the gaze. It's just like the gaze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's speaking actually to something different. She's speaking to men who don't want to try it. She's not speaking to me, obviously. I'm on my hands and knees. I'm praying the rosary. I'm making dedications to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what do you, what do you want? Some material thing? I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought just knowing that you're blowing your husband's mind and giving him great pleasure would be enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I gotta put off an ass leak for possibly a decade? Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, by the way, if you agree to terms on this, you can't just go, eh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, I'll get it waxed while you're gone this weekend. You're gonna come back to a hairless ass on Sunday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also Father's Day, that's how that happened. That's what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's waxed. Okay. So that's out of the question. That's fine. Signed off on that. What do you really want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, we're talking like, squat over your face. Squat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just, and you do just, uh, tongue twirls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll just, I'll just- No, no. I'll stand over you, I'll just kinda ease into it and I'll just- No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're just gonna let me live with this burning quest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a dirty asshole. It is. Yours is. No, I'm saying after a shower stop saying like you're like dirty. It's not, it's not finishing a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! No. I think your whole thing is nonsense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright, episode 400.


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[Assistant] So, oh, well first of all, I just had an amazing weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we started there. We did the Rialto Theater. So much fun. Thank you everybody that came out. I had an absolute fucking blast there. Then the next day we went to Reno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to El Charro, uh, Mexican steakhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but no, I mean, it was delicious. You know, I just had meat and veggies. That's what I, that's how I get down. And then, by the way, I worked out before every single show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the hotel, show's in three hours. Cool, gonna go to the gym, spend about an hour there, then come back, shower, get ready for the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I can't, uhm, I can't do it that way. I can't lay down and do a show. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. Now the only time that I would feel that way is if it's like balls of the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, blowout workout, but I don't do that. I try to do moderate so that like heart rates up, I'm sweating, but I don't try to go like, um, you know, super high intensity. Anyway, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So after that, uh, Reno, which I think I'd been to Reno, but I don't even remember, but we went to Reno to the Grand Sierra Resort. Such...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A beautiful, beautiful theater. The Grand Theater, they remodeled it. Unbelievable. I mean, just such a gorgeous venue. Amazing history. They had, I guess this is one of the old school Reno casinos that has been remodeled. Sinatra had- Your favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not singing. Anyway, he didn't want, it has the biggest stage, like actual physical square footage of stage in the world. Yeah, and they said-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the stage that you're on has the curtain dropped and is enormous. If you go behind the curtain, there's a plane. That's bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, a bike parked in someone's backyard because that's how big backstage is. It's not even, it doesn't even stand out like, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it goes on and on and on. It's an enormous backstage. It's like an airfield hanger. It's just huge. They have like, they're like, oh, that was part of a play that stopped running 10 years ago, but we just left it here and it's just enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, then you see like a shed. It looks like a, um, like a storage unit. And it's all locked up and you don't even pay attention to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eat, sleep, congregate, and then walk out and be basically on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I thought it was because people would, as I said, oh yea, cause he doesn't want people to see him, and they're like, no no, cause he didn't want to walk that far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vancouver's not bad, the comedy mix, because that's in the basement of the hotel, but it's a nice hotel, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Now I remember too. Yeaah, I did that once, and then they asked me back and I go, guess what? I'm not staying there though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they give you a, and then that room is also the green room. They're like, just go to your room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing crowd in Reno. I mean, fucking crazy. It was 2,600 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. And then last night, pachanga. I did, uh... Spanish word for pussy. That's right. Let me lick your pachanga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's different, babe. Sounds like Pachanga. Pachanga's actually in the tribal name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Of that tribe. In other words, they are something. The Pechangas? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. So, but again, another beautiful place. They really have poured a ton of money into that place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really nice, it's really nice. Uhm, and a really, really great crowd and uhm, uh, Maria came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First thing, uh, when I see her, she's like, uh, seriously? Yeaah, talk, yeaah, talk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, well you do as you're doing right now. She's like, I don't go like, oh, oh. You kind of do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just said, you're like, dah, I wanna try a smug of weed. Which she's like, I didn't say it like, dah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cousin Jeanette was there, both of their spouses. We had a great night, uh, then we went out for dinner afterwards. Yeaah. And uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had a great time. So anyways, this morning, normally if, uh, if they hadn't been there right after the show, I would have gotten my car and been like, I'm just gonna go back home, right? Cause it's about a two hour drive, maybe a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But since my sister's in town, which is rare, I go, well, we should have dinner. So I go, I'm going to spend the night because then it gets too late. So I get up this morning and I'm like, I got to get back. We got to do the podcast. You know, there's things to do. So I'm in the room and I'm like, when is this shit going to come?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, you're jumping ahead. You're jumping ahead before I get there and you're saying, let's go back. I haven't even gotten there yet. So, I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should I try to, like, it's not ready to come, should I try to force a dump out? You know, I'm like, no, I know what I'll do. I'll make a little hotel room coffee and see if I can get the engine started, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I brew it, I'm putting stuff in my bag, I'm packing, I'm kinda like... And then you know you're thinking like, ah, how long is this drive gonna take?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a sip and I'm like, you know, I could sit here for 15 minutes, drink this coffee, and probably do this. But I don't want to wait 15 minutes right now. And it's not ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, that's what I'm saying. So I have a sip, and I go, oh my god, like, I can feel the beginning, like the oil getting greased, but it's not ready. Or do I go, because I want to go, I want to get back. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just go, fuck it, I'm leaving. I go downstairs, get the car, and here's a big decision I, well it's not even a decision, it's actually kinda made for me. I gotta put gas in the car, and I go, is there a Starbucks or a Coffee Bean or someplace to get coffee for my drive back? I don't see one for the first half hour of the drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is really annoying, but then I realize that's actually doing me a favor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if I were drinking it, I would have to dump. So I actually, now I'm like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten minutes from the house, two hours plus into this drive, and I realize, oh it's a good thing I didn't find coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I do find someone, I'm like a right around the corner from the house. And as soon as I get in the house, I say hi to you. Uhm, I have a couple sips of coffee and then boom, ready to go. And it was like a nice four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta go for the fire, man. You gotta get some of this espresso.


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[Assistant] So what's your theory on this? Cause it sounds really interesting so far. What's your, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I believe that in theory, I still believe that that theory applies here, cause it's not like you're like constantly eating this stuff for you to build the immunity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why she's in the shed. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna be up soon with me and some other girls. I have gas. And then you turn around and you fart into a camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am not married to this. I mock this on our podcast. I'm not married to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say 2007, instead of getting engaged, we break up. A year later, are you in a shed farting in the camera?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty girl, you ever think about, uh, other ways to make money? And you're like, oh my god, no, what do you have in mind? Come by my shed this week. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. How much do you think she gets? She's in the veggies just like you. Blonde. Healthy. Big cans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a big, big conversation that started last week. Uhm, a number of them came in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so again, just to make people clear on this, uh, we've said that when you think you're gonna fart and you shit, it's a shart, but what about when you think you're gonna shit and you only fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, someone said there's a seduce, a pseudo-deuce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty good. Somebody said there's no word combos for this. It's just simply a solid fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Uh, somebody calls it a Macbeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, Tibbs said it's a Poultergeist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ectopoosum, spirit poo, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one said, you're not taking a shit homie, you're frowning. Fart. Failed. Plus brown. Frown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, because there's, there's gotta be multiple, you know, viewers, guys that, so you think they're paying, you don't think they're paying $50 each.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't know, I'm trying to guess, like to figure out, like if she's putting this up somewhere, and she's obviously speaking to an audience, a group of people that are used to coming there, maybe they pay, I don't know, $10, $20 each?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'm rethinking being married to you if you're doing these. Now I'm thinking maybe this is a good idea. I'm thinking of the potential.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. As long as we can get a, you know, a decent uh, cause you're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the upfront costs are just the food to make it part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uploading content. Ask our friend Yoshi. He knows all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is only a few seconds. We could be, the teaser could be like, oh guys, uh, some big ones coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, you're getting more creative by the moment. And the other cool thing is that as you're doing that out there in the world, you know that a bunch of guys are enjoying it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to get your, your ding dong to be less sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Well, now you gotta bring it up. You can't do that in that show. Hold on, you gotta bring it up, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here is a shot from Deadspin. Shit, nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would deal with it. I think it's fine. I think I don't mind it. I don't mind it. I think I'd like that he's an expert and I'd be like, am I doing it right? And I'd like to have like a little, little expert opinion in there. I think I'd be into it. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I think he would be like, you forgot the left side. I'd be like, oh yeah, I forgot. He's like, Tom. He's like a trainer that goes, uh, Hey, I saw you put your knees down. Get back up there. You know? So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that way you won't come. I think it would be mildly difficult to stay hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he's sitting there looking at you like, Rob, and you're like, uhm, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, you have to put Shaq's whole foot in your coochie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna deal with that? He'll tell you all about sex. You think that guy's annoying about sex. The moment you choose Seagal, he's gonna be like, I've made more girls cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, batting for both angles. All right. So email came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Hitler, I've noticed on the past few episodes that every time you say that you are playing a clip of someone puking or farting, I never actually hear someone puking or farting, but an even more obnoxious sound that turns out to be Christina's voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a complete turn off for me and I'm sure it is for others also. After glassing through the internet for hours, trying to troubleshoot, I came across a webpage


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This makes perfect sense as Christina's personality is as dry as an old lady's vagene in the Mojave Desert. I suggest adding


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we had a, oh, this lady, uhm, that was in this, a UK lady who tried to make a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they are much younger than they look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she holds out a hair dryer. Hilarious. And it has the effect of making these cars slow down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those look like artifacts. Those look like if you were in a museum, they'd be like, we discovered these and they're over 60,000 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got good traps. Look at his shoulders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got traps like yours, dude. Hitting the old hex squat, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Sure. Uhm, okay, so keep talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of my favorite things that I saw on Instagram. I think it was, was it that Scottie Piffin, uhm, page? Anyways, I think that's who posted this. This dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I posted this video of, it's kind of like that, uhm, what's it called when, like the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the court shows, you know, where like they confess, like they let the TV judge decide. Like in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this one was just outrageous. But it's all in Spanish, but just to highlight that somebody said this on TV. Okay, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this lady with a studio audience is telling the judge, uhm, he told us to uncover our backsides as we were still wearing those transparent ropes. Okay, uhm, I was the fourth one down, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of nowhere, I feel someone's tongue licking my butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to hit him but he grabbed me and said I was ruining the ritual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy told me that he was going to heal me, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think she said one here. She said someone here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Like, the black kiss? Is that what she's saying? I don't know. I think that's what she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this guy who looks like a quirky, spiritual guy, right? Like you can see him being like at the top of a mountain, be like, yea, spend a month here, don't talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he has this, he's bald, he's older, he's got this weird white shirt that has like no collar, right? Like, and he's telling the court now that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dogs and cats heal themselves with their tongues. Jesus cured a blind man with his saliva.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause all the bad stuff comes from out there. True, true. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me ask you this. I kind of feel like this is actually great evidence for your honor's case in getting you to, to kiss my, give me the black kiss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yana, as you can see, this very spiritual man has cured many people by spitting in the unhealthiest of places and I feel that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maria just said, I challenge you and Bert to a water challenge. I will win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you want a bigger challenge, we can do a pull up, push up, post Tito's challenge and I'll still win. Love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all, the water challenge wouldn't be with him, it'd be with you and me. That's the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't understand that. Would you want to take her up on that challenge?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a binge drinker, I'm not. I'm a consistent... You're jumping ahead. Would you want to have a day long water challenge?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who drinks the most in a day? Not a binge moment in a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to prove that you're the water champ by partaking in the competition?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's saying that she's the water champion and wants to dethrone us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, when you say things like that, you can back it up with what you do. That's the whole point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to accept Maria's challenge for the water drinking competition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I don't know, the next day? Wait, why is that so weird to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know, you realize you're not allowed, like when you say that you won't participate, you're not allowed to be part of the conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, big L. That's what you are. It's fine. So be it. So be it. You can just step up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, fun things. My, uh, who sent this in? I'm not sure who sent this in, but this is a Major League Baseball player reading his own mother's jokes to, uh, to a teammate of his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The teammate's reaction is almost unbelievable. It actually feels like Top Dog is in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think they're both, I think they're both and it's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this guy is questionable up top. You know, I don't think he's all there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he's got real problems. Like maybe, maybe he used to play football before he played baseball. That kind of problem. It's not so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I mean, this guy's probably a really sweet guy. And uh, yeaah, he's probably, I think it has a lot to do with the kindness of his heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, or you know, intelligence as in real world experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's not street savvy, you know, he's not street smart. He might be, I mean, this is for what did the duck say to the bartender?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you're like, alright, relax, but then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know if you're in front of a Polish firing squad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That she laughed. She laughed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hired two years ago at a large biotechnology seed corn company and we had a toned down version of the Shibuya cult chant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, keep them high and tight. Thanks mommy, Andrew. Do you realize that that dude's improv in that moment ended their entire orientation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and also the fact that it's um, chant like, you know, so you go, uh, like the same beat, rhythm. So your brain goes into that kind of stream of consciousness. And then he was like, what can I say about myself? I killed a guy. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't you guys gonna clap again? And they're like, uh, cause you realize that some, someone there could have, could have thought also that, that uh, that was a confession. Like he killed a civilian. Oh, right.


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[Assistant] This dad boner thing came in, that uhm, I actually find it to be more, it's one of these interesting, you know sometimes you're like, yea that's pretty cool. I don't know if you've seen this yet or not, but this is a dad boner.


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[Assistant] So, he went to skip the rock and I guess there's a bunch of ice on this lake?


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[Assistant] And then it, the pitch turned into that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it feels like it. We're trying to find this, uh, is this the, uh, pronoun song? I was trying to sing that.


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[Assistant] Any two people fucking in the streets is crazy.


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[Assistant] And there's a pride about it, which is interesting too. Which is awesome, yeah. Yeah, they're like, we're fucking...


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[Assistant] Uhm, I just pulled up this page. I'm thinking, you know, there's 400 episodes in. Remember when we found this?


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[Assistant] That's from like a special edition episode of Cops, where they did a uh, I mean obviously it aired on a regular episode, then they put it on like a best of type of Cops tape.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it went away. It's gone. Shut up. Yeah, yeah, it's not there anymore.


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[Assistant] Yeah, doesn't he sound like, say, My Mom's House? And we're, you know, this is like the early days of Your Mom's House, so we're like, how perfect is it that it's like a weird thing, cause we like playing weird segment, weird audio, and this guy's like, I'm at My Mom's House.


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[Assistant] The best actually that's not in this is the cops with him because when they're like


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[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, it's been, you know, I tell people this at live shows, and I say it all the time, when they go, you know, I listen to the podcast, I love it, and that's, you know, that's why they come out. This is the most fun thing we do, is do this podcast.


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[Assistant] And genuinely, I want to say, uh, we do appreciate everybody that listens to the show, downloads the show.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and tells us that they enjoy it. It helps. All the time, it sounds like really goofy to say almost, right? But people are like, oh, it helps me get through my work day, or it helps, it's a good distraction from whatever mundane thing I'm doing. You know, we never expected that anybody would say that, and I think it's very cool that people enjoy it like that.


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[Assistant] So anyways, we're gonna, you know, there's no, there's no sign of us slowing down with this. Uhm, we're gonna be having, like I said, we've had guests lately, we're bringing some, we have guests lined up coming up. Some episodes will have them, some won't, but there's, you know, it's one of the most fun things we do, so there's no way we would.


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[Assistant] Slow down or stop doing this. 400 and hopefully 4,000 more. Uhm, that's it man.


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[Assistant] There you go. And, uh, I know we said it at the top, but obviously, uh, go to thousandranch.com.


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[Assistant] For tickets to the San Francisco shows and the link for Christina Seattle special taping that's coming up in just a couple weeks.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I announced a bunch of dates, you already know that, we announced that, but uh, they're at TomSagura.com, so go there. And of course, YourMomsHousePodcast.com. That's it for us this week. Gene, anything else?


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[Assistant] These are really tight. These are really tight. Nice job. This is a Dr. Butt Trumpet by Bananas. Uhm, here it is. Thank you guys for making 400 so fun.


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[Assistant] Yeah. She's a, she's a natural, you know? She can really do it. She does have those big naturals.


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[Assistant] He did though, he did provide some interesting insight into why he thinks like that. If you paid attention there in that conversation, he said, you know, when I was growing up,


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[Assistant] When we go to the movies, there's no such thing as nudity or bikinis. It was just the, the thing was a, you know, an open shirt on a woman and some cleavage. So it's like your, your mind, it's funny, like anything, it's all involved in involving like your childhood.


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[Assistant] Or like, you find this or that that you enjoy, but basically...


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[Assistant] Like, I like, I just, I'm fascinated by it. We got into it a couple Christmases ago, and you watch that first one and you're like, that's cute.


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[Assistant] But then as the, as the stories progress, it actually is just, well, first of all, it's amazing filmmaking, right? So it's, you know, they, they really kill it as far as that goes. And then the stories get better and you just get invested in it. I mean, I actually really like it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was such an amazing actor. I could watch, I could really watch him act in anything. It's bothering me that I forgot his name. Is that iron? No.


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[Assistant] Alan Rickman, that's his name. That was his name. God, he's a good actor. He's dead. I know, he died like last year. Pretty young to be, to die.


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[Assistant] Uh, Alan Rickman was, oh my god.


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[Assistant] He had such amazing, you know, voice control, right? The way that he would deliver a line.


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[Assistant] I know you can't help yourself. Uhm, alright, let's get into it. Ready? Let's get into it.


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[Assistant] He was all like that because he had like his jaw removed. And then he died.


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[Assistant] I didn't make fun of that he had cancer. I made light of the fact that I wouldn't have photographed him because it wasn't a good look.


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[Assistant] When you're, when you're dying, it's like, I don't know why these, you know who I think had a pretty good, uh, system for it was, uh, Johnny Carson.


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[Assistant] When he retired, you never saw a picture of him again unless someone hunted him down.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, so he got, he got old and died, you never knew what he looked like. Yeaah, that's better. And you see these guys now that are like...


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[Assistant] You know, either sick or super old. Yeah, I gotta be in the spotlight.


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[Assistant] There was, uh, rumors that somebody was, you know, taking advantage of them and all that.


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[Assistant] Let's uh, let's open the show. I'm just so excited to be here. There's a lot to cover. We'll go over it all. Uh, here we go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is a, I guess he's some type of Jesus protester or something. It looks like he's on a college campus. That's what I understand.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, nobody likes him. Really? There's so much going on. This is a, uh, uh, Jesus protest. He goes to the campus basically to provoke people, you know. That's fun. Yea.


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[Assistant] In, in the final one, who do they show Harry with, right? He's like an adult and he's with, uh,


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[Assistant] In the final one, they do like a flash forward where he's an adult and he has kids, remember?


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[Assistant] She's working on two new novels. Good.


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[Assistant] The writing is in full depth, uh, what Appetite's been the member release of Harry Potter spin-off films, right?


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[Assistant] Fantastic beasts and where to find them. Uhm.


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[Assistant] So yea, there's movies coming, there's a new series coming, she's doing a bunch of shit.


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[Assistant] That uhm, there's by the way a big, a big week, uh, for-


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[Assistant] A joke like that is you do kind of, if you're going to say it, you gotta kind of really go for it.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm saying like he, he, that's how you deliver, if you're gonna, if you're gonna say that line the way he did it, you can't half ass it.


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[Assistant] No, of course it doesn't offend. But I mean, I understand when people get upset. It's funny, I feel like a lot of comics, black comics, not offended.


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[Assistant] No, I saw a lot of black people outraged, but not black comedians.


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[Assistant] You know, I don't like you being, don't bring black people to the arena. And like, you know, he didn't, I mean, he was pretty overtly racist about a lot of stuff. He was like, I don't even care if you fuck other guys.


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[Assistant] I think people also, you know what they get more upset about than him saying it? Is when people assume, like they think that he has given himself


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[Assistant] He publicly dates black women. So he's always, he's with black. So there, I think there's part of, uhm,


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[Assistant] Like the sentiment of like, do you think just because you have sex with a lot of black women that that gives you that liberty? Like you're still not, you know, granted the freedom to say what you want. That's what I think a lot of people can get up, which I 100% agree.


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[Assistant] That point of view of being like, you're not in the group, you know that right?


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[Assistant] Somebody would say, breaking this down. Oh, two white people are...


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, which, you know, I understand that too, but I still feel like, you know.


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[Assistant] It's in the, it's also in the realm of comedy. So we have, uh, some rights. Well, I mean, we can, we can talk about whatever we want.


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[Assistant] I think comedians always view this kind of stuff differently. Like, whenever somebody says a joke and they get in trouble, you're still like, okay.


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[Assistant] Because we've heard so many worse things and so many versions of that already. Like, it's not like I've never hung out in a group and somebody has made a joke like Bill made. Nobody is, no one gets worked up about it.


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[Assistant] There's no malice. And also, like, if you're going for the laugh, like, I mean people say awful things going for the laugh.


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[Assistant] I mean, I was just hanging out with somebody and they made, they were telling me about lunch with a friend where another friend had died.


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[Assistant] And the friend that died was very close to one of the people.


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[Assistant] At the lunch. And the person told me about how they made a joke about like a joke about how somebody at the lunch was responsible for their friend's death.


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[Assistant] Which is like a, it's a harsh joke, but you know, the guy went with it because he's a comic and realized that the comment was made to go for a joke. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Anybody else would have been like, Jesus, like that guy just died.


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[Assistant] And you know, I'll say it openly, like, I have disdain for Trump. I think he's a fucking embarrassment and a buffoon. I can't stand him.


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[Assistant] I don't think it's okay to do that to a sitting president because you can't pick and choose, uh, based on your preferences when it's okay, like, to do that.


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[Assistant] To make that gesture, it's not that I'm personally outraged, it's just that like, you have to, you have respect for the office of president, and if you are doing like decapitation portrayals of a sitting president, it's not okay to do. I don't feel like you should.


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[Assistant] I mean, to a degree, I just feel like it's in such poor taste to do that, regardless of whether or not you agree or disagree with your present or point of views. And by the way, I thought it was, I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was grossly done when Obama was president. There was all these, I saw, you know, new slinch pin things and they'd have little effigies and I thought that was,


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[Assistant] It's gross to do. I don't think you should do it. Uhm, like I said, it's not that I'm personally worked up about it. I just feel like you have to have some standard of how you treat a sitting president. You can say what you want about them, obviously not threatening them. I feel like you can...


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[Assistant] Rip them apart however you feel about how stupid they are and how they're completely, you know, out of, like, just not at all, uh, uhm,


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[Assistant] But it's also a statue is usually of a former person.


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[Assistant] If you have a fucking decapitated Reagan head, it's different. Because you're saying like, whatever, okay, I hate him. He's also dead. He's gone. But if you have the current sitting president and you're decapitating him, I don't really feel like that's, I don't know, I don't think, I get that you're sending a message and it's a strong one, but


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[Assistant] Uhm, I think you have to have some level of...


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[Assistant] More things like that. That's one of the reasons why I think it's like, it's a little crazy. You start decapitating a president in obviously artistically.


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[Assistant] It just can make that type of action more acceptable.


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[Assistant] I'm saying, I don't feel like you shouldn't be allowed to disrespect them. I feel like when you have like really extreme violent depictions of your sitting president, I don't know. I don't know if that's, I don't think that really helps.


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[Assistant] By the way, the backlash that I thought would come from...


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[Assistant] The decapitated thing would be things like what I'm saying, like hey, I think that's pretty crazy that you're decapitating our president. Right.


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[Assistant] You know, as much as I'm not a fan, I think that's pretty crazy.


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[Assistant] I didn't think she would have to do a press conference and that she was openly weeping in the press conference.


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[Assistant] Then there was like, oh, did you hear, Kathy Griffin's in trouble? And I was like, oh, okay. And then when I saw that, like, there's gonna be an Apollo, I was like, nuh-uh.


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[Assistant] But I get, I get that, that you, I don't think you should have.


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[Assistant] Uh, violence encouraged to sitting heads of state, I don't think is a good idea.


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[Assistant] I know, somebody was like, you know, her career's over, career's over. And I was like, why? Because none of her fans would stop buying tickets to her shows.


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[Assistant] But yea, she was, I mean, I guess, who knows if these are still, cause these are, some of these are ways away. Community Arts Center, St. George Theater in New York.


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[Assistant] I don't know. What's that all about? You know, it's funny, he's a college level Kathy Griffin though. He's just like, he's a provocateur though. He's just doing that to get a reaction.


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[Assistant] She's got the jokes though, she's funny. No, I know, but it is to incite a reaction. That's all he's doing.


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[Assistant] And he's going to where they, like they didn't come see him. He just went to like the student union outside. They're not paying.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're like barely cover your foot. Yeah. Did you just buy them?


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[Assistant] You, I mean, you've seen me with little ankle socks so many times.


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[Assistant] Crazy. Brains do that. Your brain will do that to you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I've noticed that like I'm getting a slight.


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[Assistant] Hump at the top of my back. And I was just like, well, that'll just be there.


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[Assistant] You can't do that. Just let your teeth hurt, your mouth hurt a lot.


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[Assistant] You're, uh, you only have a couple of weeks left.


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[Assistant] I'm non-binary, I'm poly, uhm, this Friday.


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[Assistant] The 9th, not only am I doing a show in Tux in Arizona, the next day is Reno and the next day is, uh, Pechanga in Temecula.


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[Assistant] It is. But not only am I doing those shows this weekend, but on Friday, September, no, June 9th, all my fall dates go on sale.


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[Assistant] Oklahoma City. Springfield, Missouri.


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[Assistant] Denver, Colorado. Malver. Albany, New York.


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[Assistant] Fargo, Albuquerque, San Antonio, Austin,


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[Assistant] Portchester, New York, New York, Buffalo, Riverside, Big Show in Los Angeles, and Fartniks, Arizona. Wow. All those are on sale this Friday, June 9th. Go to TomSegura.com, click on the tour page, and get your tickets. That's itchy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's, uh, there's, August 23rd is in Breastballs Beach, Florida, at the Palm Beach Improv. We have one in July, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's cool. It's about six months after I did. I like how you didn't even...


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[Assistant] By the way, this is one of my favorite things we didn't get to last week. We had my parents on Top Dog and Charo. And at a certain point, you know, it went on long enough. But there was one point afterwards where I was trying to show them non-binary things just to get their reaction on it. I looked it up.


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[Assistant] So it's 41 minutes in that we've been sitting here. My dad was there. My mom was here. I'm here.


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[Assistant] It's also exactly like who he is. Which is like, I don't really need to hear you.


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[Assistant] As long as I can hear my own thoughts. I don't really care. And then this was great. This is when I uhm, so I got Charo to say that and then I was trying to get Top Dog.


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[Assistant] To say, I wrote, I had this joke, an improv joke, and if you ever saw the People's Mayor, which is on my YouTube page where it's kind of like this parody of Rob Ford, the old Toronto mayor that I made a couple years ago with some really talented people.


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[Assistant] You know, we would improvise lines and I had one where I'm playing that guy and I go, Hey, how come, how come if you think you're going to fart and you shit, there's a name for that. What about when you think you're going to shit and you fart?


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[Assistant] How come sometimes you think you're gonna fart and you shit and there's a


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[Assistant] So when you think you're gonna shit and you only fart, what's that called? Do you think that that's pretty, like you think you could spit that out right now if I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thump is like a fart that was instead of a dump.


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[Assistant] Well, if you, if you send him some of the responses in these emails, I think he'll be very proud of you. Yeah, but dad, look at all these fump responses we get.


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[Assistant] What's the expression? I'm okay, it was only a thump.


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[Assistant] But it's a fart that had expectations, so it's not just a fart. I mean, a fart's all that came out of you, but it's tied to a bigger idea. That's my point.


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[Assistant] What's up mommies? Here's an email. I recently had a shower time conversation with my beloved wife regarding a very special type of fart only experienced in shower time situations. I will tell you after I told my wife I did this, she gave me the look like I crossed the line.


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[Assistant] I guess I can only describe it as fart gargling, and it's really special. Sometimes when I need to fart while showering, I gently cut my hand over my ass pack, holding water in a cup-like fashion, before letting loose the trumpets. This results in a gargle-like situation that is really neat.


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[Assistant] Upon telling my wife about this, because I have never done it in front of her, she said I must be the only one on earth that does such a thing. I can't be the only one.


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[Assistant] Please consult the mommies of the world. I hope you Zimzers keep it high and tight with your jeans in the clouds. PK. I'll tell you this. I've never done that, but I find it fascinating and I'm willing to bet.


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[Assistant] There's a lot of listeners that either do that, a version of that, or have their own unique fart kind of situation.


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[Assistant] Oh, I really like doing that. I really, I really like that. I like to move my leg and also.


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[Assistant] Play with my butt cheeks. Yeaah. Because the pitch will change. Right. Or you can even do it by squatting. Because, you know, your cheeks will move as you move. So if you have to fart and you just do a half squat.


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[Assistant] Mmm, it's been a little while. A year or two.


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[Assistant] I almost had a bad one. I had this upper respiratory infection a couple weeks ago.


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[Assistant] Like, one of the side effects, like you might get severe diarrhea, but I'm somebody that always, on those side effect things, just never gets the side effects. I ignore them. I ignore them too. Dude, I got a harsh bout of it, so I had to quit the antibiotic.


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[Assistant] Two days later, it was still kind of filtering through me.


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[Assistant] I remember one of my first farts confident I went, I went for it as I was going for it. I go, Oh, you might've done that too soon. And it, it's still, you know, it hung in there. It was interesting. But it was, it was dicey.


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[Assistant] Right. You know, but to have them go uh at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you can be like, oh I gotta fart in the chamber. I know I'm about to fart. I'm gonna swallow some air and fart. That's not the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is funny that this came in because Blue Band prepped this and he didn't even know what was gonna happen today. And here's what I mean. Uhm, can you read that Gene?


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[Assistant] We've gotten, people always weigh in, they tell us like, oh I wish you did this, I wish you did that. With regard to shirts, one of the things we've heard a lot is, I wish you had something for summer, and I wish you had something for fitness. Right. And so, we paid attention to it, and now we have a new fitness shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a summertime kind of fitness shirt in that it is a tank top. Um, that is a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little picture, so I'll see if I can bring up a bigger version of it. But basically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it is a tank top, it says I'm making fitness, and it has an actual fitness dude making a kicky foot on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. It says I'm making fitness just like an eastern blocker would say. Yes. Your mom's house underneath it. This guy's kicky footing. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to make it so that you can wear it to make fitness in, you can wear it to the gym, but you can also wear it, uh, because it's about to be hottest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, I did it in jeans to, uh, so you could see how a real communist would work out. In jeans, in my tank top, uhm, doing the hex squat deadlift. Uhm, by the way, super easy to lift that amount of weight for me. It's true.


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[Assistant] Go to, uh, if you go to TomSigaro.com and you click on the store, it'll take you there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, do you remember? So crazy. Remember last week, uh, we played this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that was last week. Well, hey mommies! I heard you guys talking about Sulagami, and it reminded me of this girl my girlfriend was telling me about. She's a part-time makeup artist. Anytime she and my girl work together, she comes home mentally drained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This girl does not have any friends, and my girl feels bad for her, so she listens to her when she goes on these hour long rants about how terrible her life is. She's a good looking girl, but completely batshit crazy. Love the podcast, Anton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. And that's why you marry yourself.


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[Assistant] You should go, you should go out in the woods and be like, yeah, this tree married me to myself. That's it. But don't have everybody come to that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also, last week, it's fucking crazy. Don't marry yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just keep fucking, fucking people till you find the one you want to marry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week we also discussed, uh, we showed you Shaq's horrendous foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't know, he's divorced, but he's out there, he plays the field, he has a good time, he's had girlfriends. But it also brought about the discussion that uhm, maybe Shaq's dong. Yes. There's, cause there's been stories, you know, uhm, there's been stories that, not that it's like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people, I've heard room, like, I've heard everything from like, it is really small, to like, I actually got two sports reporters that I know texted me this week, and they said, hey man, I was listening to the podcast, I've seen Shaq naked multiple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it, I think, I don't know, you kind of, but you know what's funny is that any way that it comes across, you're gonna have a, in other words, let's see, you see somebody, you're like, I've always wanted to see this person's dick, or naked. Yeah. And they're super confident and they got a big dick. You're like, you're like, you'll tie it and you'll go, oh, well that's why he's so confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the same guy could be super confident with a little one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, I don't know, does, if it's little you go, that's weird, he's confident, but it's not. Like, it still goes one way or the other, right? Like you don't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not gonna really, I think you make it, you make the assumption that it's the indicator, but I don't know that it necessarily is. That's my point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I can tell you that confidence thing is not necessarily tied to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I don't find that, now that I know things, that shocking. No, I'm saying it's not that shocking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this thing is operating really slow today. Did you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Jeans, I recently heard a story about Shaq and his hog. Someone I know was at a urinal and none other than Shaq Diesel himself walked up and stood next to him her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kishi couldn't help but look over to witness what he thought was going to be a black iguana hanging there. And to his surprise, it was a very average sized peener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shaq caught him her looking and said, crazy, right? Huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Called himself, huge big word with a tiny dick. In other words, he made light of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An average dick on a monster definitely looks minuscule. Keep em high and tight and get a, and get a handjob from your grandpa on a ferris wheel and fuck purified water. Love, Sam. Thanks, Sam. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I heard first came from. It's never that his was tiny. It's that he's a legit, gigantic human being.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's not even regular. Maybe it's definitely above regular, but that it's on a monster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in his retirement weight he's probably 340. That's crazy. I mean that's a guy that his head is probably near those lights up there. You know? And his width is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's more than the width of that doorframe. So, somebody like that, you're like, oh my god. I mean, it should look like a fucking, like one of these posts right here, you know? Right. So that's what I think it comes from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has an LA residence, but he lives primarily in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there you heard it, Jack. Hopefully we can... Never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this I got, oh my god, this, I can't help but, but just almost weep when I see things like this. And this is where I am the biggest advocate for ending your own life, is when I see things like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a roll call at some job orientation where you're supposed to say your name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you were texting me like, the baby needs diapers, there's no food at home. I'd be like, I'm gonna go rob somebody right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody wrote, what would you do if you were A in the audience?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were forced to do a Shibuya roll call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the psychology of it, to make you think you're having fun and that we're all in this together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. There's this little hierarchy where the CEO gets stock options, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy, I feel like I can see him smiling. I don't even know how you're smiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they think that it's that they're getting to watch cute girls and they're like, oh cool, right? And they're like, no, no, you're participating in this now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had shrimp last night. Yeaah. It's gonna come out my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I like baseball. I like to dance. Give me a chance. That was so fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could just ruin, like if you had a bunch of people and they were queued up to say fucked up things, you could ruin their whole thing. That would be fantastic. That would be the only way to get through this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like fun times. Yeaah. I'm gonna get married. Yeaah. To my mom. What? I'm gonna marry my mom soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you did that, if like, if you said they wouldn't be able to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, throw you out, they'd have to like, respect, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one more thing. I don't like Jews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello? And they're like uhm, see that one they'd fire you for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember uhm, we watched the, one of the origins of getting Dan Pena into our world was finding him on these interviews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about, like, I'm not a cunt, you're a cunt, Brian. Brian. Yep, Brian. And, uh, this is why you're fucking poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had on this sexual, uhm, I don't know, tantric kind of teacher. Like a guru? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? You're very handsome. Thank you. You're cute. I think you're very beautiful. I like you. I like you too. Will you marry me? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we can do, why don't we practice what this guy teaches? I have no, I really have no idea what he's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far I like- I like what he's going with so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're, he said the glands, which is near the tippy top, you know, right? They're the right below the tippy top. That's your glands, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now would you have sex with this guy? No, no, but just because you know he knows so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, take away, just listen. Take away that like, I'm just saying, there's no marriage vows involved. It's just like, on a physical level, this guy is a sex guru. But what if you are promised, listen, one of your friends goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't. I had an earth shattering orgasm. Like I came to the point where I was just like, I, I was screaming. I had my leg kick through a wall and I wept for an hour. That is the greatest feeling I've ever had in my life. I can set you up with them. Would you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, but that's the thing though, is what I'm saying is let's say somebody isn't to the eye


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A 10 and stunning to you, but their ability is through the roof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the question is for me, would I let this guy jack my dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because he's so good at it and the answer is a resounding yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you marry him? Oh, right, right. It's her. If, if I'm being told this is the greatest thing ever, sure. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if I'm looking at her, yeah, but what if she's just like, you lay here, you know, he's, and he comes in, he goes, cover, close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Close eye. Yeah. And he's like, I don't know if he's, no one has to talk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they also forget, because sometimes if I go, I'll be like, hey, uh, no stretching. And they go, no stretching? No, I don't want to be stretched. And then 30 minutes in, there's a, like, my legs move, I go, hey, hey, and they're like, oh yeah, no stretching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if it was the best one ever, you would be in such a relaxed state. You know what happens in that relaxed state?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're cool with more. Like in other words, you're like, you're, you're, you're down with whatever somebody wants to do. So if he's like, now I'm going to come, you'd be like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all you hear, and then he just, he just came. Why don't you like that? It's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he goes, enjoy your meal. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come and stroke his dick for, I mean, that's 300 strokes. It's going to be a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I don't understand why you wouldn't let him make love to you. What? You're gonna have a great time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm staying outside, we're gonna go swimming now. Okay, I love you. I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big Tits Fart Song by Bizarre Theory. Cool. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, thanks for listening to the show. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, for mine, TomCigarette.com. Thanks again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most that I've had, I think, probably be upwards of 60 throughout an evening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes scary for me. You have to get closer to that. Sorry. Sometimes it's scary for me that I'm that famous already. And you are. It's Martin Reiss, correct? Yeah. Reiss actually, it's like Porsche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have to say it started when I was a child. So on vacation time with my parents, I tasted the different tap waters all around the world when I was on vacation. And my parents always thought like, hey, what's wrong with our son?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the thing is with kids, and I see it right now in my water tasting classes as well, kids love that. Because kids taste pets, uh, still like super fresh, they are not like completely ruined already because they didn't have too much spicy food or drink or alcohol or something like this. So they can really detect a lot of stuff in water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not talking about wine, we're like different colors, different grapes, different vintages, different barrel fermentations. By water, it's hopefully all comes from nature. And it's all about the middle content. So as a child, I realized water has taste. And then in 2005, I worked in a restaurant in Germany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the restaurant first floor and a customer came up to me and said, hey Martin, you have so many different wines, but you're just serving one brand of water. And I don't like this particular brand. Do you have something else for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like looking at him, and I thought like, you know what, he's absolutely right. In the restaurant business, it's all about options. You have different liquors, you have different beers on tap, you have different wines on the menu, but when it comes to water, the server will ask you, sparkling flat or tap? What do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I thought I wanted to change it. And I wanted to give options to my guests, so I created a water menu in 2005. So a lot of people are always saying like, oh, only in LA there's a water sommelier. Yeah, actually I'm doing this since over 10 years now, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the thing is, when it comes to water, I think the biggest important thing is that people need to understand where their water is coming from. And it is kind of sad that here in America, a lot of purified water companies are like the new hip thing and everybody thinks water should be pure. I'm always saying water should not be pure because when it's completely pure, you don't want to drink it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of like, let's say a tap water, filtered everything out of there, and then it's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The body thinks like, what the hell is that? It's like, I don't even know what this element is, not what I just drunk. Uhm, I need to put minerals in it to process it to get rid of it. So you're actually dehydrating by drinking distilled water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're essentially doing harm to yourself with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's so funny. Evian has a love and hate relationship to guests. It's so funny. Some people are saying, I love Evian. Some people are saying, I hate Evian. And that is the reason why I have a water menu in the restaurant. It's actually so simple. When you think about it, it's actually a very simple concept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say, I love people who have zero experience, because then I can actually form them. That's way better for me. I like people who are saying, do you know what Martin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never worked in the restroom before, but I really are eager to do it. And I'm a hardworking guy. That's for me a thousand times better than people who are coming to me and saying like, yeah, I've worked in all these fancy places and I know way more than you do. Right. That's true. Yeah, right. Oh, this will be trouble already. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this way, there are some residues right here, but this might be the glass or polishing rack. So let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smelling, there's no chlorine smell, so that's already a good sign because your filtration system is obviously in a good shape because sometimes the problem with the filtration system is as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That people buying themselves a filtration system, but never think about maybe changing the filters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a problem. A lot of people have their filtration system in their fridges. And they think like, oh, I got my great water from the fridge. And they are like putting this for many, many years out of the fridge, never changed their filter. What that means, the filters bugged up at one point with all this stuff, what you don't want to have in your water. And then it's actually harmful because the filter is so filled up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the middle content is very low. You can hit this right away. It's a pleasant water, I think, to drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is totally normal. I think I have a filtration system at home as well. So don't worry about it. I'm using it like for showering, for cooking, for all this kind of stuff. But when it comes to just regular drinking on a daily basis, I'm sticking to bottled water. Because I want to have a little variety as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For example, I brought several waters here and Iskilde is a good example for it. Wine Iskilde is way more expensive than maybe an IVR, what you can buy at the grocery store. Both great waters, but Iskilde produces a million bottles per year. This is in the industry like nothing. Pellegrino would laugh about that number. I say they're pumping out a million bottles per week. So for them it's just like, what do they want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guild is a very small spring, has been discovered by a retirement couple in 2003 because they wanted to build a small little vacation house in Denmark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a natural reservoir and the Danish government was saying, yeah, you can build your house there, but you cannot bring a water pipeline through our natural reservoir. And they thought like, okay, back to the nature is nice, but like, no water is a little bit too much for us, back to the nature. So they found a spring, sent it over to our lab and the lab said like, wait a minute, what's up with your water? There's something very unique about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they thought like, oh shit, like maybe it's not good, the water or something when the lab is doing this whole fuss about it. They found the most unique water ever been found. And the spring is super, super small. And therefore I've been to the spring for six years ago. It's like the spring house is the size of this building here. It's like super small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you think about this and you're like, you've seen these two people, they are smiling at you and like, yeah, we found this cool water and we've, we wanted to share it with the world. And now the badling is gilded, means actually ice spring in the Danish language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this kind of stories. I love the chorus and every word has a little story to it. And I think this is really cool to discover. And then yeah, sure, you're paying like, I think you can find it at Erawan now for three or four dollars. So it's a little bit more expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool, it's a nice story to it, and this is nothing what I would drink on a daily basis, because hey, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the reason because this water has one of the highest silica content whatever been found in silica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. No minerals is like very bland. Right. And you want a little salt to kick off the soup. It's the same with water. No water with no mineral content. It's like boo in your palate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can measure, you can measure the middle content by TDS, total soft solids. And this water has a TDS level of 222. Uh, early tap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lot of people will surprise now. Between 200 and 400 TDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like one of the watches, uh, people think they're getting very smart when they're drinking that water. Uhm, that's by Jennifer Anderson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're adding electrolytes, but in very small amounts. And that is always the cool thing, that people don't understand like, oh, they added electrolytes. But they don't tell you how many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Fitchy Water has way more electrolytes than Smart Water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this has something to do with the culture in Europe, because like what you just said, bathing in it. So spy areas are very famous all over Europe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, people went to the Spirius back in the days as one still doing it for health benefits. And they want to make sure


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really depends what you're doing. It depends what kind of exercise you're doing. So for me as a restaurant person who walks around the restaurant all the time, I did yesterday 25,000 steps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what happened here in California, somebody had a big game in a radio show. How much water you can drink in one hour. And that didn't work out well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think 12 bottles of, of liters. So 12 liters of water in one hour. And the whole game was like, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't pee and win a Wii. There was a Wii Nintendo back in the days. Yes, three hours later she died. Wow. Because you consumed too much water into your body. Your cells were like, literally like over swam of it, blowing up and she completely drowned from inside. Oh my god. And that is very sad. So please guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this can happen. This is totally normal. Some bottled water companies are doing this. For example, Mountain Valley Springs are very good water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that water. It's a still, it's a still spring, and they're adding carbonation to it. The same actually with some pilgrino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I talked a little bit about a skill that I think we should, we should try the next one. And I said the cool story and maybe you can hear it right when I'm opening the bottle. It's still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm shake this bottle because it's a still water and I'm not just the only water so many in America. I'm actually the, uh, David Copperfield of waters. I can do some magic with this as well. So I can turn this into milk. Let's see. Looks clear to you. Everything is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always say a sommelier would be a bad sommelier when I would tell you right away what you think, what the taste would be. Okay. So I think you should discover if you see something and be honest, maybe you see like some people have a hard time to divine Fiji versus Gilded. So cheers guys. Cheers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's almost a double of the middle content of Fiji.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And interesting what I think of, especially about the aftertaste, uh, of Iskildr. It has like the slightly earthy notes to it. Like think about a mushroom or something like this. That's for me the distinctest taste of Iskildr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been in China last year in a big water tasting competition and I had to taste 80 different waters blind. Like they gave me just the glasses like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then drink it. And then I had to quote like what I think about the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave me a skild and I knew right away it's a skild. No. You did? Yep. I had 100% right away. I gave 100% or 100 points to a skild as well because for me it's one of the best waters I ever tasted. Really? Wow. I, for me it's just like there's so much characteristic in it. I love the idea about the oxygen level as well that this water turns into like the slightly milkiness to it. It's just mind blowing water. That's amazing. And then to be clear, did you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct. We're not talking about like, I had waters for over $75 already. What? The most expensive water I ever drank is $100,000. Come on!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's what? It's Beverly Hills Nino H2O. Ahhhh, silly. With 650 white diamonds on the cap. And that's the reason it's so expensive. The water itself is very good as well, but obviously this is more like a funny, cool idea to just create.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our next one. So we need to save some glasses, so I'll see you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this, this bubbles and again, like in the beginning, everybody watched me looking at the glass and now you guys doing this as well because you can already see, okay, obviously we're talking here about a carbonated water. And the perlage, what I would say to it right now, it's pretty big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting fact about this water is that the carbonation level is actually very low. But it's just like some big bubbles, insulfed in that water. But it's not like this progressive, like maybe a Gerold Stanner from Germany or some Pilgrim or what has like tons of bubbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is kind of sad that mostly the purified water companies, especially again, they don't tell you at all what they're adding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here it says right away, magnesium content 1.7, calcium 97, sodium 7.7, chloride 16, fluoride 8 to 12 degrees is 0.02, so it's super low. What it should be in water because fluoride is not really something what you wanna, wanna drink the whole time. And total soft solids 312. So they're adding this right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can feel thirsty after it. Okay, cause those are salty waters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Hilton. The sodium content is very low. It's not that salty. The bubbles are very tiny. It's not like this progressive in your palate as well. You can easily shove down this bottle and it's not like that you're like feeling like blowing up right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really hope so. And I think the first concept is that people need to understand that they should drink more water and finally in America,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, bottled water is the most consumed product now and soda not anymore. So this is already amazing. Since 2016, bottled water is the number one consumed product. And I love this. I love to hear this. So obviously the Americans understand that sodas might be not the best choice to drink and hydrate yourself on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the next step is to understand that water is not just water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that there are big quality differences. And again, some waters are coming from municipal source. That's actually nothing out there near tap water. So just drink tap and save the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a sparkling water, Vichicadalan. Uh, Vichicadalan is like the arrowhead of Spain. This is the number one consumed sparkling water in Spain. Uh, I've been on Colin O'Brien as well for two and a half years ago on the show. I did a water tasting with him and he spit out that water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yep. It was like, what the hell is going on here? He didn't believe me that this is coming from nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Seriously. He thought I added something in there. Did he really? Yea, he thought I put like an aspirin in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a spring locate. So it's a spring. It's a spring water, 100% spring water, natural occurring, comes, rises up 140 degrees Fahrenheit. So it's a super hot spring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're sweating, you're losing minerals. That's pretty much because that's the reason your sweat is salty. So when you compare a Vichicalan and drink this all the time, you're getting all your minerals back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, what you cannot do, and a lot of people are always saying like, oh, just bottled water and then you'll be fine, uh, that doesn't work as well because we all know, uh, around two days it takes you to dehydrate and then you will die after two or three days and after two or three weeks you will die because you didn't have any food. So your body, the most minerals what your body needs comes from food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It needs to be balanced and some people saying alkaline water, you can balance out your body with this because your body is acidic because you're eating so much acidic food and with an alkaline water you can balance out your body pH and then you're healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Completely bullshit, guys. Do not believe in that. Literally crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when you drink water, what we just did, it goes into your stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cool thing as well is about drinking water and I had this with the Zagat. I had a video on YouTube as well with a girl from Zagat and we were tasting different waters and she never drinks so much water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you see in the end of the video, she's, she feels like wasted. She didn't have any alcohol, but she feels like she started to tickling and like hee hee hee and it's like, are you drunk? And she's like, I don't know, but I feel like a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I exposed her to so much water and to extremely high metal content water that her body was like really reacting to it. It feels like she was like on a stairway. That's bizarre. So crazy. And as you can see it on YouTube, it's kind of, it's kind of funny. And she really says like in the camera saying, I feel really drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that La Croix exists. I have to say I never had it before. It's so funny. I know they are big. It's sodium free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's like refreshing, but you cannot really taste anything anymore. Because when you're chilling down a beverage in general, like even wines, extremely the taste aromas are like disappearing a little bit. So let's see. We should bring this on a little temperature too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's definitely a smell right away. Yeah. It's like, it has like a blueberry fruity smell to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's just like, there's, there's a artificial, and this is for me, artificial flavors. You can see it as well, huh? It's like, it's clear, so it's water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the smell. It's like dark sherry, I think. Yeah, it's like sherry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's natural, it's all natural. They're saying natural flavored. So obviously no artificial stuff in it, so I apologize for saying this on camera and radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know you don't love it. It's the same what I think Pepsi Crystal was. Pepsi Crystal was a Coke with no color. This looks like a soda with no color for me. That's pretty much what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have Roy as the next one from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Vichy is available, Hilton is available, Fitchy is available, and Eskild is available.


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[Assistant] I know the, the owner very well. He owns a hotel in Slovenia and they found off this. The spring is extremely old. I have to be a little careful actually as well. You should see it because it looks like all okay. When I'm open this, there's really like something going on. Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] What do you think the TDS level is of this? Let's recap a little bit. Fiji, 222 TDS. Isgilder was 400 TDS. Hilden, we went back to 312. Vishy, 3050. What is Roy? Oh, that's off the chain.


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[Assistant] But this is again now not for hydration anymore. So Roy is a water and they're even marking it like this. It's not like a water you would drink on a daily basis because it's so loaded with minerals and this is so heavy in your palate as well. It's like you cannot drink really a lot of this.


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[Assistant] Cool thing about Roy is, just put a little drops into our oyster.


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[Assistant] And like the oyster's really amazing in taste suddenly. Really? It's totally changed an oyster feeling. So that's pretty cool. That's amazing. But this is a water like for a dietary restriction. That's like, we're calling it in Europe, healthy waters. Yeah. In Germany, they would have a medication label on it.


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[Assistant] Uh, there's a brand from Coca-Cola that's called Bon Aqua, and Bon Aqua is spelled in a regular base, Aqua, A-Q-U-A. Yeah. Aqua.


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[Assistant] And they said like the German government, no, wait a minute. That's like purified water. Bon aqua means good water. You cannot label this. Wow. So they misspelled aqua. A-Q-A. On purpose that they can label bon aqua.


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[Assistant] So this is the Patina water menu. We have 20 different mineral waters. And every water has like two pages.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Daenerys coming up in July, we will have a water tasting based on our, based on our


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is the tricky part. So Roy, you cannot access in America, but retail would be around $25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That would be amazing. And we should, we should all get a new glass. Yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] And people always stick to Roy. They're always like, that's a really cool water. I think it's so unique. It's so unique. Yes. That they're saying like, I really love that water.


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[Assistant] Like buy several bottles of water, but make sure they are all coming from a natural resource.


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[Assistant] Because then they will taste differently. And have them side by side. Do not show them down. Have them side by side in different glasses. And really taste them through. And then suddenly you will realize, holy shit, water has taste.


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[Assistant] Uhm, because everybody knows I have like so many different cool waters and some people are saying I'm the most hydrated person on the planet. But there's millions of people or millions of people who don't have access and I think we should all honor it that we have access to clean water and we should help people.


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[Assistant] And I think it's a great thing what he's doing there. And I'm supporting them even on my homepage. There's a link that you can spend some money and, and I think it's a good thing to do.


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[Assistant] Water again. So this is the point as well what I like to do with my water menu. I want to give water a value. That people understand, hey, there's a little bit more than


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[Assistant] than just water. Yeaah. And maybe I could start to rethink my use of water as well.


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[Assistant] And maybe when I'm washing my teeth, don't have the tap open the whole time. Just close it. Even California is not in a drought right now, but still we need to save water because the summer is coming. Trust me in two years, we are back on this very big drought problem again. We have to save water for the future generations.


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[Assistant] And therefore, let's all drink enough water. That's the key, guys. Do not drink sodas. Drink enough water, but please be considerate as well what you're doing with water.


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[Assistant] I swear, I would love it so much if anybody could play that at their place of business. If you work at like a Starbucks or like a retail store, if you could


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[Assistant] I cannot stand to drink water. You don't drink water at all? Nah, Rich Beam and some of the guys, they call me the camel. Cause I don't drink water. I never drink water on tour.


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[Assistant] McDonald's. Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell, all of them. It works quite a bit.


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[Assistant] I'm 5, almost 5'11". I'm supposed to weigh 184 pounds in my height. I just don't see it. I'm big boned. You know, I'm not a skinny bone. I have somewhat big arms, big legs. It'd be hard for me to feel healthy at 184 pounds.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wanted to put that, and people, I've seen a lot of people, um, photoshop your head onto mine on the album cover.


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[Assistant] Which is, by the way, if we were the same guy, you wouldn't need to phot- it would just be you. Right.


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[Assistant] Yeah, everyone thinks I'm some guy, but I like to, everyone they think I am, I like to get, you know, be on their podcasts. Here we are talking, by the way, doing, wouldn't take too much special effects to, to have you talking to yourself right now.


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[Assistant] Our length is pretty similar right now. Yeah, by the way, you're looking good. Thanks buddy. I did Brett's pot, had a blast with Brett, but I love this whole Tom and


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[Assistant] The bird thing is really cool because I love how you guys are really like, it's real and it's also healthy.


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[Assistant] I think, well, I didn't really, I didn't size them up too much before, but just walking and seeing you, I would say you're like a healthy shape. I mean, I wouldn't, if you'd said you were big before, I wouldn't know. Like to me, you just look like a kind of a skinny dude.


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[Assistant] One of the things I love about this is you do those, you know, I love that, like the stern stuff, like the old radio stuff. It drops. It drops. It's fun. It's fun.


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[Assistant] Um, but yeaah, he, I think he's got maybe a bigger frame, like I feel like he's always gonna kinda look like a bigger dude. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] That's not a- That's a special look. I found this on the road, which is, I mean, you guys get to fly in and, you know, stay in hotels and shit.


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[Assistant] And people don't believe me, but you really can't part, like, a traveling musician, you can't party on the road, it just doesn't work.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like you meet, you know, you get, you get drunk. First of all, we're always leaving and going on to the next town. It's like.


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[Assistant] I, my problem is I can't have one beer. I'd much rather have no alcohol than one beer. I'd just rather be sober than one beer. Cause one beer I want a second. I don't want to say like I'm alcoholic or something.


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[Assistant] One beer to me and one shot is just pointless. It's just like a little taste of like the fun you could have. But the problem about being sober is in, you know, like a music club is...


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[Assistant] You're the only fucking sober dude in the whole place. And everyone's looking at you.


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[Assistant] He is the pussycat. Right. That's your thing. My thing was, I wanted to kind of mark myself on this new record as like,


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[Assistant] I said before uhm, you know Elvis was the king and Michael Jackson was the king of pop.


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[Assistant] What am I, you know, there's only one left, right? Yeah. The pussy King. So I'll just, once you, once you start saying it, you know, like stern King of all media, you start saying, I'll just start saying I'm the pussy King. Yeah. And that sticks. Oh, by the way, I


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[Assistant] Which is kind of bummed me out because, you know, our goal was to have the number one country album in the country, but these country fans still fucking buy CDs from like Walmart. So weird. We want to hear something fucked up. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Why is that? Because they do this new fucking thing to keep the Keith Urbans of the world happy. They now incorporate like streaming and radio plays in it. They keep that, they-


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[Assistant] You know, because to them, and I guess it's true, which is that Keith Urban is more popular than me.


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[Assistant] By the way, I've been getting a lot of shit recently about how I'm homophobic, which I'm starting to get pissed about. I'm like, because interviewers, you know, will do a lot of phone interviews, you know, you know, which one of you queers is going to suck my dick, you know, right? It's like, is that homophobic? I'm like, no, it's homosexual.