[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said, you greeted her in something in Hungarian. Yeaah. And then I said a sim- like a different thing but like the thing that I know. She replied like with like a, you know, a 25 word thing and then like a straight face. And I was like, I don't actually speak Hungarian, I just know a few words. She was like, oh, I go, she's the Hungarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she's like, you're from Hungary? Like, like a, an inquisition? Like, you're, you're from Hungary? And she was like, no, my, my parents are. And she goes, oh, so you're American, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this? And I've had that too. I've had that too. The last time that I had, like, when you're not enough for someone. So I was, uh, I was downtown. I was getting, I don't know, some, it was clothing for something. And I walked into this, you know, one of these stores. They have like all the, the fashion district there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy starts speaking to me in Spanish, and then a girl comes up, who's also like a young girl, and she was like, speaking, she was like, you speak Spanish? And I go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then the funny thing is though that like, she didn't speak great Spanish. I was like, you need to kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I kind of, I kind of got a side with you on that one. I'm kind of dog racist too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I like Brussels, but I also like their cousins. I like pugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's stigmas for sure, but I'm talking about who is welcome to be pet by these hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brussels. Pug. Frenchies. If you're not, goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking love this show. Will you look up the name of it? Matchmaker? Yea, it's an Indian matchmaking show. I forget what the name is. It's on Netflix. God damn it. I wish, I think I could be a matchmaker. That's what I want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're crying about that now. It's a fascinating show. It's so, it's so fun. Uhm, you know, first of all, everyone who is doing the show, on this show at least, is willingly doing it. They want to be matched. They're like, I want you to set me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you give them, you basically give them your criteria, right? You give them your checklist. I want them to be at least this tall. I'd like somebody from this kind of background. Yeah, I want someone who is this type of personality. You know, you give them all the things you, are important to you. And then she gives you, the lady will give you at a maximum I think three choices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so the Indian people that were, that went to, it was an English, Guyana was an English colony and they brought Indian people, you know, to work there, right? I don't know if it's a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indian people will be like, oh, you're Guyanese though. Like you're not Indian. She has to defend her Indian ethnicity. She's like, yeah, but like we went from India to another country, but we're still Indian. And she found that some people go like, well, yeah, logically. Yes. But that some people are like, oh no, you're not Indian though. You're Guyanese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I could get over that. I wanna, I, I think watching the show though is, is, on top of being like a fascinating dating show, it's kind of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Type in, type in for this Indian matchmaking. Nadia. Nadia, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always something to do. We're all busy with something. It's so annoying. You got 10 places to do things at once. You don't know when you can make time. How are you going to get in the kitchen and get everything ready for the fam- Don't! Don't! You want Chinese? You want pizza? You want something to- You want a great coffee? Look, there's something for everyone on DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you can support restaurants in your community safely. There are thousands of restaurants open right now for delivery on DoorDash that need your support now more than ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, our listeners can get $5 off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And enter the code MOM. That's $5 off and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter the code


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom. M-O-M. Don't forget, that's code MOM for five dollars off. Your first order with DoorDash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hooked too. I am so hooked. I cannot wait to watch more of it. I really like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, this person I have to say is fascinating to me on more than one level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would ask them to remove it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she, sorry, she's trans and gay, so she, she dates women, so she identifies as a trans lesbian woman. Is that right? Did I get that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you not into the scary dark people that are out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is very true. Let me see this last clip here, cause this is exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we're not talking about, you know, 20, 30 pounds overweight. That's what we are, that's right. I'm saying, you're trying to tell me that if you see someone 200 pounds overweight, you're like, you shouldn't make an assumption.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person is 406 pounds, you should be like, that's fucking normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, all the crazy things. Disabled, trans, black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone who doesn't have arms, someone who drinks through a straw only, someone who's black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The part that she's not mentioning in this video about attraction and dating and all that, it's like, she's saying like only like your logical mind going, hmm, would I date someone in a wheelchair? And it's like, yea, you can make that case sure that, you know, you should be open to dating people, but ultimately, as a guy, your dick's gotta get hard. Yea. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like it is. It feels like it is. Uhm, like I'm not gonna be like, well, I guess I'll just blow this thing. Like I'm definitely not gonna be like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I can tell you that's not how it would start. I wouldn't be like, God, this chick's so hot. And then, you know, take the panties off, big dicks there. I'm like, this is fine. It's not going to be that kind of adjustment. You know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might be like, yeah, I don't know, you know, I really wasn't expecting this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, you're beautiful. I had a great time. Like this was a lot of fun. I thought we had great chemistry, but I'm a little like, I don't know if I'm ready for that. And then she might be like, okay, um, can I suck yours? And I'd be like, okay, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see a dick, right? I don't think it's that outrageous for that man, the cis man who's surprised to be like, hold on a second. I think that's a pretty natural reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we, uh, we got a box of DVDs. I want to say from Yoshi. He gave me like a huge box of DVDs years ago. And it had like every genre of porno in there. He's like, he's an awesome evil angel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he had a few, uh, false advertising and it was just these women, you know, trans women on the cover, like you see tits and then you see like a hard dick and it's called false advertising. It's such a good name. She put the DVD in my carry-on so that when, like if I open my carry-on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I can't leave my house without my trans porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I declare it on this form? Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I got this confirmed from a couple doctors that I asked, whenever you go number one or number two, pee or poop, you're supposed to push as hard as you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is like, doctor's orders. I just confirmed that. I went to it. I was at Cedars. I said, how should I pee? And they go, you should pee like it's a real emergency and you have to push it out. So that's just doctor's advice. Same thing for taking a shit. You should hold on to the bowl from the sides and just push with everything you've got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so we have a phone call we're about to make and this is with Derek. You might remember we spoke to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little while back as he is the tattoo artist who did the, uh, the design of Pig on Norm Summerton's head. Since then, Norm has had additional tattoos done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he had his eyebrows done and he has a pig eating a rooster aka a cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the side of his head. Derek did all of these, uhm, and we, we spoke to him when we first discovered or found Norm on our own. We're gonna go ahead and give Derek a call now to get an update on Norm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, uhm, so we wanted to get an update. I don't know that a lot of listeners know, uhm, this is certainly news to me, but from what I understand, I noticed that I don't see Norm on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That is a form. I mean, I feel like it might raise some eyebrows in church when they see Norm with some of your work done to him, but you know, I guess that's what they do. They take in all kinds. So this is the kind of thing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This happens regularly with Norm, where he will kind of go through these patterns of feeling extreme guilt for his, you know, deviant lifestyle, so to speak. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, one of the things we haven't, like, we initially spoke to you when he had that incredible pig tattoo, um, down on the front of his head, and then since then, uh, I'm assuming you did the additional work to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's unbelievable, man. That, I mean, your work is incredible. You're such a talented artist. Uhm, it is, it's, uh, it is pretty bold though to walk around with that on your, I mean, once you have the pig thing, I'm sure everyone's like, well alright, you're, you're in, but that is, that's pretty out there, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's the, what is like the routine, uh, like is this your first time since you've known him that he's in a withdrawal episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And then when it was the first time, when it was just, you know, a few days, was he also going to church and doing that then also?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yeah, that's when we thought, we, we didn't know what had happened to him, right? So that makes sense. That's when we were like, oh, where is he? He's gone. But then he came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full force with, uhm, with, you know, BDSM stuff. I mean, he was posting a lot and, you know, doing the tit cups and, and, and retweeting a lot of, you know, female dominant stuff, uhm, getting the additional tattoos. I mean, I thought he was like really leaning into the lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if people- Yeah, I mean that's part of like, I guess, you know, getting exposure, is there's always a few assholes out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't want to be a dick, but you want to see Derek's extremely talented work, you can follow him on Instagram. D-I-N-Y-E-R-O. Is that correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, don't be an asshole. Like, just, uh, be nice. Uhm, yeaah. Yeah, uh, that's, that's, uh, please tell them, if you, if you do speak to Norm, that, you know, we love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, uh, we, we hope he's alright, you know, uhm, don't want anything bad to happen to Norm. And I hope he's back in the shop getting tats and wearing tit cups soon, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but I saw a, uhm, a Twitter exchange in which somebody had asked him, why don't you just get implants? And he was like, yeah, I'd love that. But...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like, not unusual for somebody that would consider themselves a sexual deviant to, you know, it's kind of like the natural run of emotions, right? You go deep, deep into the thrill-seeking stuff, and then you feel tremendous shame about it. It seems like standard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he, if he's back, when he's back in, and I hope it's soon, I'd like to talk to him about implants. Me too, I think we should do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he's just like, you know, life sucks without tits and be like, maybe we can change that. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Derek, uhm, thanks for joining us on the call. Again, you're a great artist, uhm, thanks for informing us and send our best to Norm, please, if you speak to him, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is also brought to you by Stamps.com. As we slowly adjust to a new normal, we will still need to be smart about how we do business. Luckily there's Stamps.com to make things easier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousands of small business owners have discovered the benefits of Stamps.com in recent months. They've been able to keep their businesses running and avoid the crowds at the post office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely fantastic. We've been using Stamps.com for 10 years, which is crazy to say. That's how long we've been with them. They're a fantastic service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's all kinds of things that can make you feel bad later, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A trans man. Sure. With a vagina. Yeah. Or this cis man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would really like to find everything from this guy. What do you not like? First steps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy has a job. This guy goes to an office somewhere. Like somebody's watching this, they're like, Greg?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He reminds me of a number of guys in North Carolina that I knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is ten times more terrifying. I mean, you can make an argument that that's real. I mean, it is artistry, you know? That guy's, he is talented. He's like a dressmaker. Yeah, yeah, he's a talented guy. He's designing jewelry and stuff like, but this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Problems. This guy is fucking terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather date the doll walker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. You still gotta make a choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you want that? Or do you want to walk a doll with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, cause I think I really like them. So I think that I'd be like, Hey man,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what I'm saying. I want this, this video clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of him, but the guy, the actor who played Santa in Elf, the movie with uhm, yeaah. You know what I'm talking about? I do know. Who played Santa Claus in the Will Ferrell Elf movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what's his name? Who plays Santa? Make it bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I cannot wait to ruin so many people's day with that clip. I'm gonna send that to everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, that's so great. I wonder if it's better to send if you put like a bar over where it says this was uploaded. You know what I mean? So they don't know what, like, you know how on the screen here. Oh, so they can't tell that it's porn right away? Right, right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's actually, he won't remember this, but I remember it very clearly. Uhm, so he started calling me Big Dog in high school. Come on Big Dog, Big Dog, you know, and I think uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that was a, that was definitely a nickname for a basketball player. Forget his name. Big dog or top dog? Big dog. Glenn Robinson, was it Glenn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, so, but he would call me Big Dog, and then he came to visit me in college. Yeah. And one of my roommates, he was like, yeah, Big Dog, Big Dog, saying it to me, you know, like, let's go Big Dog. And my, one of my roommates goes, uhm, if he's Big Dog, what's your name? And he goes, I'm Top Dog. He was trying to be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I remember. I mean, he called me Big Dog ten years before that, but Top Dog, that's the first time I remember that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's playing bridge right now. Uhm, let's see if I can get him on the line. I don't know if I can. Uhm, they're definitely home, that's for sure. That's the thing you forget during quarantine. You're like, oh yeah, you're always available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's every time. Hey, what do you think you would be like if you were gay? You ever think about that? Like if you were gay? No. Do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think you'd be such a baller. Like you would just have, you know, you're a successful guy, you're retired. I mean, you take COVID out of the equation. I think you could just have any guy you want. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we were, uh, we haven't discussed this yet, but we were both saying how we're both kinda fascinated by our own smells, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's certain- I have a great nose. You have a great nose, yeaah. You know what- Oh my gosh. What smell I'm most fascinated with on myself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My balls, like if I scratch my balls and they smell, I keep smelling that finger a few times. But like armpit, it's just, I'll just verify that it smells and then I don't go back. I'm just like, oh, that smells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, you know, shower, but I don't keep going back. But balls, I'll do that thumb on the crease of the crotch and then I'll be like, that smells. And then I'll go back and be like, yep, that smells. And then I'll go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back in the day, did you ever have a stinky lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A stinky lady. Like you ever hook up with a lady who's not the best smelling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yup. I remember one. I mean, she smelled like a dirty diaper. She was real stinky. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was hairy too, I think that hair was trapping it a little bit, you know? She was like extra hairy. She was gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, they're very hairy. And then you get like, uh, ethnic, like the Asians who's, you know, they're like hairless. It's great. You don't have to worry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have an Italian or a Greek or a Jewish girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Italian, Jewish, no Greeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a Greek guy that works here. He's pretty gross, so I get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Well, what was the Jewish girl like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was your first girlfriend, but she was your girlfriend in like 8th or 9th grade?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I went out with a couple of Jewish girls and they gave, they gave great sloppy top, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's true. How big were her tits by the time she was in college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, did you hear that there's a big push right now to accept the idea that Santa Claus is gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard that before, but now there's a big push by a couple organizations that are saying, uhm, since, since we know that it's make believe, why don't we just teach kids that Santa Claus is gay and that he does video chats with, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adults and that he uhm, you know, he masturbates if you're good, that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unlike my father, I have been with a few Asian women and I gotta tell you, I had a dream about one last night. Yea, you did. I had a dream about an Asian woman and it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't the Indian girl, although it was right after watching hours of the Indian matchmaking show. But if she wasn't Indian, I mean Indian is Asian, but I meant like she's not from India. She was Asian, like she could have been Chinese or Korean or something, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chinese, Vietnamese, uhm, something like that, you know. Uhm, but in the dream, uhm, I remember that I, uh, ejaculate all over her face and that I videotape it. And that I'm really happy about videotaping it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I can't really tell. I was just like, you know, look at, like I was, I was enjoying looking through the camera and uhm, yeaah, and she was Asian and I was real happy. You were enjoying, did you? I was, I was really happy in the dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For everyone that was about to be like, what's wrong with Tom? Please let your mind go to what's wrong with her. Cause I think that's a much more substantial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. This is one of my favorite episodes in a long time. I really feel good. I feel so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? The number score can get up there, yea. How high? I asked the other dentist that I went and saw that we know, and he's like, oh, I've had 12. And I go, what is that? He goes, that's like the, the, uh, tooth is coming through the gum line. You have to do an extraction right then, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't do that either. I don't know who does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I was going to say you also want to show her the progress you've made in six months, right? That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I get it. It's also part of, it's just part of life and aging, you know. We're all gonna have scores that go down at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good. You're not so bad, man. Don't beat yourself up. I know. Don't beat yourself up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's him in both clips. Is he in the other ones too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an interesting way of holding that gun too. I've never seen someone hold the rifle overhand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could be fully talked. Yeah. Yeah. He's got, I think he strikes me as having, you know, some type of brain damage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just all of it. Uh, everything. The way that he, the decision to make these videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For somebody that owns guns too, the choice to hold the rifle overhand really bothers me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's uhm, oof. Yeaah, that's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, hydration is one of the most important aspects of living a healthy lifestyle and waking up each day to feel your best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or by searching LMNT on Amazon.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Uhm, I have... Thanks. I've got something to show you that I'm real excited about. Alright. Okay? I wanna know. You know how much I love...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fedsmoker. I'm feathering in heaven every day. And every time you think he's gone, you're reminded what an impact he left. You're like Steve Jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, every time there's a new iPhone or an iPad, you're like, God, what an impact this guy made. And I feel the same way about these videos. Um, so do you remember that we played like a, like Connell's nemesis a week ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we get to see it here. It's short, but to see Conald in this light, it's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? Somebody harassing Conald for us. The harasser? Yeah. Wow. It's true, it's one of the rare times we get to see Conald in a video where he's not filming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he, he knows he's driving a chariot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any idea how amazing this would be? I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would have conald stories for us, like nobody else, like real ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty cool, man. Oh my god, I'm just in heaven right now. Man, this is really gonna make you laugh. Ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready? Yeah. Okay, watch this screen. I'm ready. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're hateful to anyone not living in the US.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let's see, so there's a man on, uhm, a scooter, but like a hot, it's not quite a motorcycle, right? It's a scooter. Moped. Uhm, it's definitely capable of, of going. I mean, it's not, you know, it's not like a 15 mile an hour kind of instrument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a street legal, you know, moped. And he's taking it up a ramp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And onto some type of, uh, I don't know, is it to be displayed there or is that transport?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he doesn't realize that when he's going up the ramp that there's a, um, a roof to where he's taking it up. So when he, when he goes up the ramp,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His head doesn't clear under that roof, he actually smacks it and then falls backward with the moped and then it falls on him and then you just see him die there in the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on. You think that impact was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think he's severely injured. I don't think he's severely injured from this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you can pull this off. Not everybody can pull it off, man. No, you can't. I mean, watch, like, next we would come in and I was like, you guys like my blonde hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna come in, you have the skullet and you have those blue sweat shorts, you know, and nothing else. You do the show like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so for four minutes, he's like, I'm a squirrel. I like nuts. And then also he's like, give me a call and I can come and take care of your pest control. Like, dude, this is why, this is why you have bad videos. You have bad ideas and no one's helping you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really has to reach under to touch it. Come on, Mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I think about when I watch this video? Being uhm, being a parent. And like, cause this person's like a young, you know, she's young. And like I go, my son was saying this to me. I would be like, okay, let me tell you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you come in here, and you say that shit to me, one more time, you're not gonna have a car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not gonna have clothes in your room. Yeah, this is nonsense. You don't lecture me about any shit, anything, ever. So, take your thoughts, shut the fuck up, and stop posting videos. You're making everyone uncomfortable, okay? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. I mean, she barely cleared the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, it's a real, it's an Ed Asner type build on a woman who's supposed to run and jump off of a little, little hill into the water. It doesn't do either of those well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's running down the side of the wall. You realize that? She's so slow that she doesn't actually leave the wall. On her way down when her legs are going like this, she's touching the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we should rename this video? We should just call it, This is 2020. Let's just title this video, This is 2020. And keep this, keep this like, available at any time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does it mean, honestly, I mean this curiously, what does it mean to be intersectionalist female? Like she said, right? Yea, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Intersex, oh sorry, is a general term used for a variety of situations in which a person is born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn't fit the boxes of female or male. Sometimes doctors do surgeries on intersex babies and children to make their bodies fit binary ideas. Okay. I'm still kinda lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I wasn't expecting that right turn. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you talking to the phone like that? Why, why come you talk? And he goes... At the end. That's a really nice one, babe. Good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do, I remember mine. So, we don't have to get to that, but uhm, I would mark this too as another example of how cool this year is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two closing songs, you give me two?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, whichever one I don't pick, make sure you save it though for the next one, yeah? Uhm, I really feel like this was such a fun episode today. It was really fun. And uhm, again, I'll leave you with the parting, uh, repetition of the fact that we were doing our first ever Your Mom's House Live and Uncensored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worldwide, everywhere, you can get tickets. Uh, August 14th is the live show at 5pm Pacific, 8 Eastern. Again, you can get tickets wherever you live. South America, London, somewhere in Canada, Australia. Where's the link gonna be for people to purchase? Well, the link's gonna be in the description, and I said it'll be all over all social media of this episode, but also the URL is onlocationlive.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sorry. HTTPS, uh, semicolon, backslash, backslash, onlocationlive.com slash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house. Uhm, so we're really excited about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, no censoring, no blurs, uhm, we can do whatever we want. And, uh, Top Dog and Charo are joining us. We have another guest joining us. Big episode. It's a big episode. Lots of surprises. It's our first time ever doing it. I hope you'll join us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else? Oh, the sale in the store, or MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura, 20% off, 29th through August 2nd. Uhm, a lot of fun. Jean, you ready to go? I love you. Love you too. This is Delta White Mousepad, uh, Kosher Charo Remix by John Douglas. Alright, see you next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is George. I have a big dick. People think that I am sick and call me a prick, but they're just jealous of my dick. They're just jealous of my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yeah, every now and then maybe we'll call something out, we'll read a super fun comment and, you know, show it to everyone and we'll try and interact with the people that are in the chat. I'm excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so we were able to show the first one, and then we had a follow-up commercial, and they flagged the follow-up commercial. So you're gonna hear all about the mushy peas and the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's not in the last episode, but we could still play all the drops from that clip. Okay. Faggot King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you just send the video? You don't want them to see what he looks like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well actually I think that this actually might be a case for that he's not R-worded. Isn't there laws that R-words can't buy guns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he is? Off of that? Well I mean the moped does fall on him kinda funny. Yeaah. Like if it falls on his neck in a specific way, it could be, it could be an undeal for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tiny. People probably came and tried to take it off. Yeah. Off his neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, is that, you know, Zolo had this prepped, and I was actually on the fence on whether or not we should leave it in. Cause it has, he's not making a funny sound, it's just a guy getting hurt. Which is why I had you review it before him. And there's no more footage of this, this is where it ends. This is all we got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What type? I mean, I'm, I've always been like, hair always grows back. Yeah. And, like, I'm not losing my hair or anything. I think you could do, yeah. I feel like I could do, I'll do it, I'll literally do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty quickly. But uh, yeaah, you're right. It's uh, I don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, cause I dressed up as Hunter as Thompson, so I just did, uh, male pattern baldness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, Zolo just told me that I googled the wrong thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here to fuckin' preach the truth, to rise up motherfuckers in the Matrix, cause you're all fuckin' fluoridated in the fuckin' head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You listen to all your fucking idols in Hollywood and fucking toss off to them and listen to fucking Kanye West and all your fucking stupid fucking German Nazi goo girls are just jizz on your face daily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit's gonna happen, they've asset stripped the whole fucking economy, we can't get out of our houses until fucking September!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's like, I'm s- I'm good. My world is normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like he thinks that Charo is gonna have any kind of solutions is absurd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. We've gone to the pub and people have made comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think when everything first started happening with, uhm, the social media attention,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before you come yeaah. I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big hickey on your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn over and then I would play with your cheeks, maybe even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's normal size. It's, it's not, it's not that, that big. Well, the one, the one thing, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's, it's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you come, you come. Let me see, let me see how much you come. Let me see all that come. How much, how big a load I'm gonna swallow. Woah. I need it, I need it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be stingy with your load. I'm gonna put this in your mouth and you're gonna have to suck it dry. You're gonna just suck it dry, Mark. You got that beautiful mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I can say. Where did he come? Where did he ejaculate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh sure. Turn over and I would play with your cheeks, maybe even massage your little hole and make you feel just the only man in my life. You just did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's normal size. It's, it's not, it's not that, that big. Well, the one, the one thing, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's, it's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before you come yeaah. Oh my god! If I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big hickey on your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In our thigh there, and uh, just suck on that. That's it, actor. Make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone. That's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Massage your little hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's normal size. It's not that big. Well, the one thing that I'm gonna tell you is that the first time it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be quick with me because it's been a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how much, uh, how big a load I'm gonna swallow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gynecologist exam, but anyway, she, she rolls me over and makes them spread to my cheeks. And she goes down there and says, it looks like, uh, a fault, you know, ingrown hair or follicles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trouble with that is, is that you gotta be able to, you know, lay in a certain position, do it, and how to, with one hand you have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know how she is about those kind of things, and uh, you know, so I'm able to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and she said, well, you gotta, she said, do you use a hairdryer after you take a shower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done that before. I've scratched, you know, scratched it. Because I basically, I smell everything when I touch something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's always interesting about people's nationality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Italian women, Jewish women, Greeks tend to have Greeks. Oh yeah. Greeks, you know, never, never was with an Armenian, but they, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I, I never, you know, all due respect to Asians, never went there. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And, uh, you know, this, she was really a kind of, you know, your first girlfriend. You always remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I saw a thing that people were talking about. How do we know that Santa Claus is white?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dip shits. Understand what it's like to be controlled by a fucking remote control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will only kneel for my creator. The rest of you can kiss my natural American ass. And before you say anything, the Supreme Court has made it where you don't need a license to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had someone tell me this earlier, and I figured I'd pass it out there to all of you who are on suspension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with, uh, your local government's permission to be a driver, if you're working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God bless America, pray for our president, stop falling for the bullshit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Tom, Christina. Super huge mega fan. Have watched every single podcast episode on YouTube. Uhm, listen, why I should win this. My family and I lost everything we owned in the wildfires here in Northern California. I mean, everything got burnt down. I lost everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I got a real bad back. I've been battling cancer. I could go on and on, but the clip's gotta be short right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I have to sleep on is this futon, and it's destroying my back. I have nothing, and uhm, I could really use this, I mean, a miracle, please? Alright, jesus god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Oh my god, he on X-Games mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Shosh, I use they them pronouns and I'm a star seed channeler and spirit worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it's weird, I can understand like it being weird for some people that have never met us to see us together, but Rob and I were talking recently like, I don't even think about Sopranos when I'm with him, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I mean, if- it- certain-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conversations come up, but like he doesn't remind me, like he's a completely separate thing to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Rob said to LA for like the award shows and stuff was when it would almost feel like, oh, this is, this is something because it was such an isolated experience. It felt like on the set. I don't think until season three and four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like Rob didn't get treated any differently by my friends or anything because it didn't mean anything to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of filming are like, are of laughter and fun and silliness, uhm, even on the heaviest days because, you know, still to this day, some of our, Rob and I's closest friends are, were members of the crew. Like it was just such a true family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think like, through the whole time, it just felt like such a great ride, and now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, holy shit. Like I was part of like that. It felt good and it felt great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episode 10 season, I'm at Pine Barrens, season 3. Which I know I'm excited for because I do remember a little bit of that episode when, uhm, Tony Sirico and Michael are stuck in the snowy woods chasing the Russian. That's what I'm up to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just keep moving her fork back and forth so she always had something in her mouth to chew but she never ate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a type of meat, correct? Like a, like a, like a porky, like a pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we, we weren't taken out of school, like when the show started I was still going to my public school in Long Island and we would get tutored on the set and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be honest, once I got into college, I got into NYU, uhm, the end of my junior year, and I still had a whole other year of filming, like, I would just lie in school all the time and just be like, I have to go film, because I, like, got in college. Oh, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think right when they gave us the second season pick up pretty quickly after it started airing. I think when the critical acclaim


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm really like not, didn't notice before is how funny it is. And I remember them talking like, this is kind of like a dark comedy. And I remember being like, no, this is a drama. But as I'm watching it, I'm like, this is more funny than anything else. There's a lot of funny stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I remember, like, some of the older gentlemen in the, like, crew and, like, the set, like, the actors kind of being like, oh, oh, okay, that's who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I went through like a lot of changes in the first couple years in weight fluctuation and I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then he went to jail, like two days later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was a- it was very tragic, like what happened to my husband and his family, but they're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was a lot of forgiveness, and when I had our first son, he got out of jail and spent a lot of time with us, and he was completely sober.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously coming out of a year and a half of being in jail and getting, you know, and coming and living in a halfway house and then stayed with us for a while. He was awesome. I've seen the really amazing parts of Lenny, uhm, that, uhm, I understand why, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My husband loves him and his kids love him and celebrate him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really smart, but at the same time I think there's like that darkness of him that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the book came out and like the whole nails persona and everybody talking about all that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my, my youngest son looks like Lenny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Little League, the dads would come up and be like, I love Bo's swing, and he was like five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brothers and I used to make home movies growing up, but I was, I expressed interest in musical theater at a very young age. I loved singing and dancing. And so growing up in Long Island, I performed like Annie 800 times at every Y or community theater. Like it was my, that my goal was Broadway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I would audition for film and television when I was young, it was, they always wanted you in a box, right? You were either like, all American, Latina,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, African American, and they never fit in a box, because I'm all these different things that nobody could ever choose, so I never thought I had a career on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it's one of my more, like, visceral memories I have of filming where we're all in the kitchen. Like, I remember genuinely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feeling like I was in that story, in that situation, and so sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was the kindest, I mean, especially watching the show now, uhm, and just seeing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The work he did, like how, we knew how hard he worked, I mean, he worked harder than anyone, and to create that character, he was so different than Tony Soprano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No matter what anybody would want. Like that's not Jim at all. And he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To know the amount of work that he put in and then to also then think about the amount of work he put in, like, of care about us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went, we both went through fucked up shit, but like my personal life was an absolute mess the entire duration of that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got married, I got divorced, I got diagnosed with MS, like a lot of different things that he was one of the only few that like knew about. And he, or even if I wasn't telling anybody, because that was kind of my MO for a while, he would bring it out on me and like check up on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did not have to do that at all. And he was like that for everybody. And, you know, I think that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I almost feel oddly like closer to him than ever like watching it again because it's just my appreciation of him has even grown I guess, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we, he, he, we didn't, we're never gonna see residuals of the show. And he would. And so he divided up a big sum of money amongst all of us to give us all a little piece. Like everyone got, I don't know, 25, 35 thousand dollars, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've definitely, I've definitely, oh when I, I'm dark postpartum. Yea, me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like sleep deprivation, hormones, like breast milk, like that trifecta makes me agonize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stop talking to me. Just leave me alone. And he can't. And he kept coming back and I was like, dude, you gotta give me a fuck. I'm really mad right now. And then like I need, like if I could, I will go in a room and lock it. Like leave me alone. Let me, and he just couldn't and he just couldn't and I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has almost seven, like still can't quite do like L's and R's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Joe Rogan has that hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was that full on character study. I could watch that on a loop for a while and feel like I'm ready for an audition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely sobered up, he pulled over to make this message. I like his hat too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's, there's no, that's like a full cankle. That's like a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking to a retired double agent here. And I gotta put in my two cents on this whole stolen valor thing. You see, Christine and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One night we were gonna go on a little smash and grab and, silly me, I misplaced some shape charges. Well, luckily, the seeker, Christina Peer herself, she found them for us. We went on that raid, we blew a hole in some motherfuckers door, captured him, tortured the shit out of him. All thanks to the seeker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it vibrates you to sleep if you want it to, you can set a zero gravity setting so you feel like you're floating in space. You can have it sit up when you watch TV or you want to take a bite of something in bed, you know, having just one of those days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it leans all the way back down for you. It's fantastic. I love this thing. You should treat yourself right and get one too. Amazing customer service, mattress takeaway service. They do it all. Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shit for $225 off the mattress of your choice. Welcome to the greatest podcast you could ever find anywhere on the interwebs. It's your mom's house. I'm Tom, she's Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine. Christine, I'm Todd. We have a great show planned for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like that. Old Texas saying, we were, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were, we were down in Texas, you know, y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they say, Texas is good for two things, queers and steers. And I don't see no horns coming out of your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goes up there when he's having an episode. A breakdown? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then other people come visit him and tell him he's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was, he was, and he was so fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was working himself out of breath and then he was making me anxious because of how he was just like, okay, okay, okay, calm down. He couldn't slow it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was excited. He was excited. I know. He was nice. Very nice guy. Lot of nice people there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Uhm, there's so much to do. We have great clips, we have a great guest, we have great songs, we have great emails. It's gonna be a banger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick to mention, uh, unbelievable feedback, and I'm so happy, specifically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nobody like him, and uh, I got so many messages of people being like, this guy is so fucking funny. He really is. He really is. Go stream the albums, go watch the specials, and uh, when you can, go get a ticket, because it's really something to see him live. He's a joy. He's really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So funny. Uh, go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. There's a new Thicc Boy Nation hoodie. There's a new YMH zip-up hoodie. And there is a new jean hoodie. Two new jean hoodies. Oh, and jeans. All new for hoodie season, which is here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so this seems like a pretty cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you dare inject yourself into this conversation. You don't know anything. This guy knows everything. And this is my favorite thing about a cool guy, okay, is not just having this information floating around in your head, but making a video and sharing it with the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The small dick of having a big ass. Never have there been truer words spoken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now there's a lady two miles over who's just living her life, but she makes me want to puke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, now he's a high level cool guy, where like, he's the kind of guy where you could think that he's not that cool, and then you would find out. He would, he would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's way, way more articulate. His vocabulary is off. That's what I'm saying. Like we're talking about a press secretary for the cool guys. I think we found him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that they're like, who can stand up for us? And he's like, I got you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we put this on the site somewhere so people can download and fill it out? It's pretty amazing. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we salute you, Matt. That's really fantastic. God bless you, Matt. Ah, you got another one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to see, so you remember the really cool guy with the, uhm, like the Obama flag thing in the Denver airport?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the fact that, so what I didn't realize, we've seen him before, he made a really cool


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2016 election song, which the cool thing is you can repurpose it because there's a new election coming up. And just a reminder, here's that song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's cool to know that he's on that side. The right side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was like, this is who likes the same guy as me? Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he was told that Robert Paul Champagne should replace Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Which would be an amazing thing to see RPC on the Supreme Court hearing arguments and writing his opinions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get this guy a free t-shirt, okay? Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. And by the way, I like, that's kind of one of those things where, you know, we could probably get the, uh, the cool cuddles going and then maybe sexy times come and then we both are like, hey, that was real nice. We laid naked in bed and I'll warm you up and you'll cool me down. We'll be affectionate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you married a guy. You wanna fuckin', you know, scissor with some chick who's like, let's read a book, then marry a chick. I'm a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I am a human male. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I could fuck up some amateur women's tennis players. I've been playing a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As one of the upcoming rising stars in female women's tennis. I think I'm immediately on the tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there was a guy who's one of like the really good players uhm, that I see regularly at the courts playing with a woman and she was unbelievable. She would, she was destroying. I mean, she was legit like 5-0 maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if higher than that but she was, she was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with the news of, I don't know, Titans last week have players and personnel, who knows how this is gonna go. Cause if people start testing positive, and you know the thing about football is the teams are so big. You know what I mean? Like in the NBA playoffs, they had them all move and live in a bubble. Right? So you, you like, they really control the bubble. In the NFL,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have 53 roster players. You have a practice squad with another, I don't know, 20 some players or something. Uh, personnel wise, you know, there's a hundred personnel on each team. It's so many, so many people just on one team and there's 32 teams and like each of these people have, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all know 2020 is a little nuts, but that doesn't mean you should disregard your nuts, no matter what size or shape they are. In fact, MANSCAPE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Balls, bollocks, and whatever else you call it in those countries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, it's, you know, it's always a challenge to keep your nuts fresh, trim, smooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Manscaped does it all. They just released the Crop Care Kit, which is a formulation bundle to give you A-plus balls. It is the ultimate male hygiene hack. They do great products, great technology. The Lammo or 3.0 trimmer offers a replaceable ceramic blade with advanced skin-safe technology so you don't have a pool of blood underneath you every time you trim your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were playing the Saints, and it was a phenomenal game. And then you were like, oh, oh, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you do a poll and ask people if they actually usually call the Packers the fudge Packers and the 49ers the 69ers? And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look, was that 55%? Is that what it says? Yea. Say, yea, of course. Of course. They call the 49ers the 69ers and the Green Bay Packers the fudge packers. Uhhh. But 44% said no, I'm lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we need to get people to reach out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the organizations that are running the presidential debates and see if we can get one of the two candidates to commit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're like, oh, that's offensive. I agree! That was the right move. When are we gonna, you know, embrace the 69ers? San Francisco is just all gays, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The packers, everyone knows that they're fudge packers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, you're 100% right. Anybody who disagrees is a fucking idiot. So hopefully, we'll get uhm, get a lot of people involved with this new movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keeps driving away. Damn. That's what's happening overseas. And if you let the Dems ta- Alright, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was crazy. Jeez. He flipped right into the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, did you see the one? I don't think I sent it to you on Instagram. I could probably text this to you and you could put it on the screen. This is insane. This guy, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, here it is here. I'm going to send this to you. This is so crazy. Should I email it to you? Yeah. This is uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is, these are, these guys are in Mexico. I don't even want to like describe it because it's just better, it's just better to bring it up, this video. It's so crazy that I'm not going to describe it. I'm just going to wait for you to bring it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me what you, if you find this or not. I just saw, I was just scrolling and I think I landed on this and I could not believe it but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really this dude's like behavior as this is happening that stands out almost more than what is being done. Okay. Watch sound. Yeah. Start from the beginning, turn the sound up and go, go big screen if you can. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're like, you worried about the, uh, cops being called here? Don't worry about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nadav first, and Nadav last, and uh, just rehearse a bunch with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full clip. Alright, we got one bottle. Twelve more. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm decent, I'm alright. I've been going to that place, you saw me in that video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty easy, but you could fuck up and the cool thing is, if you fuck up, you just, uh, kill somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's the right answer. I don't know but I'm still part of the team. Okay. We'll get into it. We'll talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it, and by the way, you're gonna do it. Uhm, so, oh, really excited to plug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Cockroach. Josh Potter has a new podcast. It's called Roach Motel with Josh Potter. This is a long time coming. We've been working on this a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The episode, the first episode went up a week ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the second episode is out now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's gonna come out every Tuesday at 6am. Please subscribe and review on iTunes and Stitcher and everywhere you can listen audio-wise. It's on our YouTube channel. We are so happy. I'll also point out, because some people have asked about it, if you're noticing that shows are coming out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Early in the morning at 6am, that's on purpose. We, uhm, you know, we were thinking about it, talking about it, and it's like, well, these should be available in the morning. So if you're trying to get ready and go to work or you're driving or whatever, commuting, you can listen in the morning. We had a noon schedule for a long time, but now 6am Pacific, 9 Eastern, you will get new episodes released of all shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can listen to a cool song. Oh, and also congratulations, you know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people told us to take it easy on Ed Asner coming so hard, but I also wanted to congratulate Hen Dog because he was smart enough to put his banger on iTunes. So uhm, I posted that, that, uh, that song with his, he has like the artwork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I just saw so many people reposting that like they're listening there. So I think that's really smart. You have a big hit song, you know, make it available everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also big, big news for us, uh, Two Bears One Cave live is October...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15th. Ooh, that'll be fun. It's 5pm Pacific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's 8 Eastern, that's Thursday, October 15th. The tickets are at ymhvirtual.com. Very exciting. Uh, for those who are wondering about YMH Live, it does return in November, so we will have another YMH Live in November.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you missed episode 1 or episode 2 of YMH Live, you can go to my site, TomSegura.com and click on the video rentals tab and you can watch episode 1 or episode 2 or both. And as we build


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this live content out in these shows, they will be there available for you to rent if you so choose. It's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's really interesting because I think that's very cultural. All my, my first, uh, 14 years were all Midwest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found it like very, uhm, you know, soothing. Like it's a very satisfying thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, it's not weights. You know, you're not like, ah fuck, I can't move this thing. Like it just goes. It goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just hold and it goes and it just chops up the grass for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hot, I mean, it's work cause you're out in the blazing heat, right? I mean, in Florida, it was a hundred degrees plus a hundred percent humidity. It was miserable. Like that's, that's real work. But, um, I love when we lived in, in Milwaukee and the suburbs of Milwaukee, we got, we went from the push mower to the sitting riding mower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he could make patterns in the grass. What did you draw?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big dicks usually am. What the fuck is this? It's a big dick. Let everybody know who lives here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you want the big, big thing out there in the grass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want the balls to be big too? Or smaller balls? How do you want it to? I can make them big if you want, but I think the dick should stand out. You should have the balls a little smaller. I'm like, yeah, that's a good point. Thanks, Rafi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the landscaping here is sexual themed, okay? So when people pull up, they know what's happening. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jose, how come there's no nipples on these things? It takes a lot of practice to make the nipples stand out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can do it a lot faster and save you money, but you always want dicks and tits and everything, so it takes a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to go buy some special grass. Make it look like a pubic hair everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're right that you get a big break. Cause I remember, you know, and you stop like, let's say in November or something in the cold, cold states and you're not doing it November, December, January, February. Like you have like five months off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well! Uhm. Dick and balls. So, you wanna know something funny? Yeah. Bertrand, he says a lot of words wrong. Yeah, I've been noticing that. One of them he says wrong. Here we go, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say massage? I say massage. That's so dumb. Wait, massage? Massage. Your whole, your lips purse out. Massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Benifleck. Yeaah, silly. He says all kinds of things completely wrong. So silly. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you love? You sent this. I haven't seen it, but I saw that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so where is this, uh, oh yeaah. So this dude, uhm, you know, our cool conspiracy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so inspiring. Every time that I see one of these in the folder, I perk right up. I just, I can't wait to see what it is. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good point. So what uh, what Herc's saying right there is uh, you don't have to wear cool clothes to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. And also, you know what's, what's really often overlooked is what an incredible vehicle the Ford Crown Vic is for him to be able to drive. I mean, I'm assuming he was probably clocking a quarter million miles a year in this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although, that would suggest that he has papers, which I think that might be a di- and it's not Ontario, California, but- No! There's probably some other Ontarios. Ontarios? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think he's like, got my passport up to me. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean, I'm not a lady, so you should probably be the one to vote here. But in my experience, if there's one thing that most women like, it's two and a half hours of drilling. Drilling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going on with this thing. No. Drilled her for two and a half hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, probably really hard and ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just, that's just that one, one guy, okay? That was just one guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because meth is like the... This dick had become so sensitive. Yeah, but that's not usually what people say. That's one dude. Most people say that meth is like the reckless drug of you're like, let's just fuck all hours. Oh, it makes your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what is this saying about meth here? Can you make that bigger? In my dad eyes? So, uh, the results show that methamphetamine and sexual functions are not- the first usage is, uh, what is that? Concomitant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. There are differences in the libido and sexual functions of meth users.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you want to get into it, but to know that that's going to happen, I'll have to say, and this is going to be the official word from us, don't get into math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a real, real sad day, but our studies have shown that you shouldn't, you shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many ways. I mean, and then it almost makes you want to go, do we, did we just change our position on whether or not you should try it? Cause you just made a great point that the art, and art's kind of awesome. I know, I don't want to- I got this from an artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of neat. That's really cool. Uhm, I'll tell you right now. Yeah, Hergit. Sorry, Hergit. H-E-R-G-E-T. That's really cool. He's a dope, dope artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he lives in the Los Angeles area. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were saying that. Why do you want to decide who lives or dies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's annoying and today we're on the freeway and it was pretty open and we were behind a guy at one point doing 45, not for a moment, like that was his cruising speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I saw all these like storefront windows, I'm like that's gotta be so satisfying to break those windows. And to know that people did that, I'm like, you kinda won that one. That seems like fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know what I've been doing lately? I didn't tell you this. What? Following people. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. I, uh, I saw one the other day at the mall, and I was like, I'm just gonna see if I can follow her home. So I watched her get in her car, I got in mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she stopped for groceries. I went to the grocery store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she got out and she went to a coffee place. I followed her that and then I followed her home and I waited outside and I watched, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just watched her spouse arrive and then I was just like, I know where you live and you know, I just told myself I could do whatever I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree with that. I agree with that. Cause I also feel that way about uhm, like if you're driving and there's a cyclist, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go to turn, and the cyclist is going straight, right? So you're going to turn, the cyclist is going straight, and as you're turning they go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey. Yeah, but you can see that I'm coming up on this turn. So you can actually, you actually have a better view of everything. You can go like, oh, well the guy driving the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll slow down so he can make, and then I'll just keep going. But some of them go like, no, I'll accelerate through it because I have the right away. Even though I'm, I know I'm in your blind spot. I know that you are missing it right now because I can put, I can deduce from the rate of speed and you're, you're decreasing your speed and that you're going to turn. They just do that. And those people should be neutered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. Yeah, that's terrible. They should die, right? Yeah, of course. The fucking hammer to the face. Yeah. Yep. So good. Ah, man. I'm in a good mood now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ahhhh. Here, I was saying this. This looks like it'd be funny. Let's check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, man. So if you're listening, there's a guy in a wheelchair who rolls up and shakes a ladder until it falls down and the guy falls with it. Like from pretty high up, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that guy walking by, I think he's just like, hey, don't, don't, okay, and then he's just done. He's just like, don't escalate this to either one. That is a really crazy, we don't know where this is though, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause I thought, at first I thought it was, I thought it was hearing English. You know, I thought he was saying something. I thought it was an extra, that's what I thought he said. It looks like that could be Melrose. But I don't, I can't actually make out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the uh, with the audio slowed down so they're like my tampons. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a premise, what a premise. Uhm, okay, let's take a quick break. Okay mom. Be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to thank our sponsor whoop. We know a lot about a lot. We know 2020 has been a tough year to say the least and we know we want to live healthier lifestyles, but we don't know a lot about ourselves and how our behavior impacts us. You can get to know yourself on a deeper level with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep is so important. The longer you live, the more you realize that it's so so important to get great sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And take care of yourself. The sleep coach will tell me you have, this is the sleep deficit you've built up. You need to get more sleep to perform better. Go to bed at this time. It'll tell me go to bed by 11 15 to get up at this time and you'll feel better tomorrow. And I follow it. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners, whoop is offering 15% off with the code yourmom at checkout. Go to whoop, w h o o p dot com. Enter your mom at checkout to save 15%. Get to know yourself on a deeper level. Unlock yourself with whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like trying to explain to my cousin, Brian, I was like, do you do that thing? Cause I didn't know the words for it. I was like, you know where like you rub yourself a certain way and your body shakes and it feels good. He was like, what? And I go, you know what I mean? Like, and then you kind of sweat a little bit and he was like, I don't know what you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because women are fucking dumb? Mabes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. But this is fascinating because you said you can have, you can, you can hang out with a dude and be so fascinated and so in like, be like, this guy was awesome. But then you want to go and have sex with a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like being a sex, cause I think people, we always hear the term sex addict, but we don't really explore it like as observers, like most people like know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, or have some knowledge of alcoholism or drug addiction, right? And you go like, well, it, you know, it filled this void or whatever it is, right? Is, for you, is the sex addiction that same thing that is like trying to fill some type of emptiness and you were getting it through those sex acts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you actually like, hearing you say all this stuff, it even seems like you are so much like at peace and content with like the ride you've been on to get here, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, by the way, I think the M.O. of almost all comedians, truly, is they're just like, I just want you to like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even the public ones that everyone knows, but some of them who are real, like, real clean and stuff. You know them because you hang out with them on another level and you're like, you are a fucking dark motherfucker. Talk about it a little bit, man. Give us a little taste. And the thing is whenever you hang out with them, they're funnier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, I think you posted a September 11th story from the seller. Dude, I laughed so hard watching that and I watched it a few times. And then this year you reposted it and the same thing. It's such a great, here's what it is, like, that story you tell, had you done


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, the whole thing is perfect because, like, you're a little loosey-goosey, you're Chrissy five drinks in, and the story is unbelievable, it's so cinematic, there's so many characters and layers, you paint it just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfectly, and there's so many punch lines that like, I just kept going back to it. It also reminded me I think of what I love about comedy before you do stand up. Because that story is a story that like, if you were in a comic and you told that story like, hanging out, that's the kind of story where you hear someone and you literally go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, you need to, like, you should do comedy. It's like, it's such a genuine, authentic, real story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd he react to, like, the story, the, you know, the 9-11 story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're straight ahead. There's something, by the way, it's a consistent thing you find, cause I moved a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you here to pick up my little girl today? And I go, what? And he's like, he's like, my little girl, are you here to pick her up? And I go, uh, yeah. And he comes out and he's like just straight face and he's like, Hey, I see you met my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, uh, and I go, yeaah. And he goes, what are you two little faggots going to do today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just to set it up though for people, you're at a major league baseball game where a major event is, a very rare thing is happening. You're in bad seats and you want to get to the primo seats and you're like, we don't have tickets and your dad's like, follow my lead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like reasonable people get that that is just like the layers of human beings. You know, that you're like, there's a guy who's doing great things and he makes off color comments and jokes. It's only like in today's world where people make the biggest deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's more of that, but you understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know I, when I, we moved to Florida when I was 14, and I got my hair cut, I ever tell you this by,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And over time, you know, I get to know those guys cut my hair a year, one year, two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, you know, I always start pressing questions, right? Yeaah. Like, so when did you move down here? Yeaah. And he's like, uh, happened like, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, like did you know him? He's like, and he just, one day he just tells me, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this crew used to use my shop as a meeting place because they needed a place that wasn't compromised. And I go, so how did it work? He goes, they would, a guy would just come in and say, we need to talk here. And then I would go for a walk and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that was, uh, into crimes, that was, uh, Latin. Okay. And so in the Latin world,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What they say when you know they're inde-, like, definitely a criminal? Import-export.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go down to Miami and you're like, what's your dad doing there? Import, export. Import, export. And you're like, what? What do you import and export though? Like goods, like clothes, and they're like all types of things. All types of drugs. That's what it is. Import, export.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there was that one hungo that I met at a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, somebody made the comment, like he had the slim waist and they're like, looking good. He goes, one apple, one apple a day. He's like all day. It goes for lunch. I have a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's actually, you know, like he's, he is authentically the same guy. Um, I remember I was like, hey, uh, I was like, can I get some, you know, you're a business coach, so can I get some business advice? And he's like, yeah, what about? And I go, um, like to, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's like a good advice for me? Like he's like, well, like how do you make most of your money? And I go, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, every time that anything happens and like he says something, all of black Twitter just goes, fuck this piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Christina curates, uh, talks, what she likes to call dark talks, not the ones that they want you to see. Not people doing fun dances and making cupcakes. This is the other way. The real TikTok. And we just check them out every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peace out. Thank you. Third workout of the day, man. I like it, dude. He looks Amish. Yeah, he does. And uh, first thing I think when I see him is like, this guy knows how to work out. 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you this later on, um, I'll just, uh, I'll let you know, I got one of his workouts. Okay. And, um, I'll share it with you after. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it. I think it's probably better off the air. Yeah. I don't want to give away something to charge us for. Yeah. Can't wait to get ripped.


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[Assistant] I love that it says we love a non-pedophilic king.


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[Assistant] This guy sometimes makes it clear that he's like, good morning my 18 plus queens. Which is important in 2020. It is.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, this to me was always, like, I know she's a lesbian, but, like, in a straight woman, that type of, like, I need to be, I need you to fuck with me psychologically, was always a turn off. What do you mean?


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[Assistant] Very small bits and pieces of it. I thought he was having a stroke.


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[Assistant] And by the way, there's nothing better. If you're out there and you're just looking to connect with somebody, hit up, uh, JP, James Creech here.


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[Assistant] I thought the UFC fight was the best fighting I'd seen in a while, but that was pretty good. I'm gonna send this to Rogan if you don't mind giving me this file. It's really good.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, I mean, you could maybe last 10 seconds of, of not getting hit. Like, you know, you could, like if you're an athletic dude, you could maybe, but once he, if he's landing, even if you're blocking and he's landing body shot, couple hooks, it's going to be over real fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just got your ass handed to you. I was in a boxing gym where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a class and then there was a, there was a couple rings there. So in the ring is a, is a 19 year old junior Olympian, right? He's just warming up. He's doing, he's jumping rope. He's working mitts. And then one of the kids who's been like side by side with us and we're doing drills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, you know, whatever, Tony, uh, like, jump in with him and I'm like, you're going to jump in with this junior Olympian? And I didn't know that this kid...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was like side by side doing drills with us in class was like a prodigy.


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[Assistant] This 15 year old, without a doubt, could fuck me up beyond recognition. A sophomore in high school could beat the fucking shit out of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told this story, I told this story, uhm, to Joe, who then told it, who brought it up. If you ever look up Charlie Murphy on, on Rogan. Okay. So I find out Charlie's doing Rogan and I go, you got to ask him about Johnny Gill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Oscar De La Hoya. He's like, what? So what happened was, when I won that, I won a contest. That's how I met Joe. I won a contest, a stand-up contest to host shows for him, John Heffron, and Charlie Murphy went on tour. The Max and Bud Light Real Men of Comedy Tour was what it was called. And I'm on the tour and Charlie Murphy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask me if I want to go to dinner with him. And I was like, yeah, this is like at the, just after the height of Chappelle's show stuff. And we're, we're at dinner and Johnny goes, uh, he looks up at the TV or at some like restaurant and he goes, do you think, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would give you any doubt about that? And he's like, Johnny Gill. And I was like, Johnny, what did Johnny, what's Johnny Gill say? Johnny Gill, the R&B singer. He goes, Johnny Gill said that he could whoop Oscar De La Hoya's ass.


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[Assistant] Well also it's like with Oscar La Jolla and anyone like that level, it's the speed that ends up killing you. Right. Like you don't even know that four punches have hit you. Sure. It's bap bap bap bap like that and you would be like either on the ground or just completely disoriented. It's so fast, so fast.


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[Assistant] But I love that Johnny Gill was like, I could kick his ass. Yeah, he's pretty.


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[Assistant] I know, and I mean, it's such a ridiculous point that I was like, wait, Johnny Gill thinks he could beat up? He's like, yea.


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[Assistant] Everyone that's story first broke about him being a piece of shit. I mean, the first story that broke 10 years ago, the same Chicago Sun, Sun times writer who wrote this expose and he's still like the guy he's in the documentaries now.


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[Assistant] He said that uhm, he's like, R Kelly is a filthy man. Sure. He doesn't shower. No. Like, and he will go like a week and he'll be just a complete


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, before we go here, I want to just replug everything. History Hyenas, with you and Yannis Papas. You have a Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Versace Kalachi, uh, Cool Girls Club, and she also has a cameo by The Desperate One, my blue-haired, uh, summer girlfriend from episode one of the live show. Oh wow, okay, yes. Very nice, thank you. Here we go.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm an incel. No woman ever wants to have sex with me.


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[Assistant] So hard being a virgin. I look at women like creatures who are from a different planet.


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[Assistant] It's so hard. I wish I could just have sex once. I wish I could get laid, but I can't. Because no woman would ever wanna have sex with me.


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[Assistant] Really depressing. My life is like hell. It's all mental. When I die, if I go to hell, it'll just be like, I didn't die. That's what it's like to be an incel. Every day is torture. It's just pain and suffering.


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[Assistant] Yeah. The valley has so many treasures. It's a cultural, people think it's devoid of culture. Not true. It's just a different type of culture.


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[Assistant] You have a lot of languages on your arms today. I do? It's in Chinese, and then Russian, and then Japanese, and then Arabic.


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[Assistant] It is, and the more unreal it seems, often the more real it is.


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[Assistant] Well, that's why Twin Peaks was so successful. Remember that TV show Twin Peaks? Because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The truth is, reality is weirder than fiction.


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[Assistant] And characters like that, like the log lady and, you know, backward talking little people, that's more real sometimes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, bleh bleh bleh bleh. Yeah, like our Zharface video.


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[Assistant] I did, I, I didn't know what kind of crazy, cause when people say crazy, I do picture


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like, okay, just erratic behavior. Girls who are like, I saw that girl comment on your picture.


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[Assistant] Like, I don't monitor who you follow on the gram.


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[Assistant] How ma- how about- so how long do you- so how long do you-


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[Assistant] He goes, you know, I guess some girls, they like this kind of a guy who, you know, he comes home every night and he calls you every day. Some girls like this, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, cause I've dated, I dated a guy like that. It was torture. Yea. Where like they don't call you for days and then you're like, hey, what?


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[Assistant] Pretty exciting stuff. That's the problem, right? Is that it does create that sense of drama.


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[Assistant] Can we not? I'll tell you what though, after that guy, I was like, no more. I like, I like steady. I went out with a girl. Normal.


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[Assistant] The only problem is you gotta read. And I don't like to read while I'm watching TV. But it's kind of worth it. This girl, this girl. She's exactly what we're talking about. She's 100% that type.


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[Assistant] This is her the whole, every time the camera cuts to her she's going.


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[Assistant] Cause could you, and that's another thing we were saying is that imagine you on this dating show at 40, 41 years old and you're just like, could you stop it? Could you fucking order already?


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[Assistant] But these girls are very malicious because they don't actually like men. What they like is the attention that that guy is giving her at that moment. And they're sucking vortexes. They're just evil. There's such a dark inside of them. That girl? Yes.


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[Assistant] So anyway, it's a great cautionary tale for any young bucks listening. Study that girl.


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[Assistant] But yea, that chick is, that chick is evil. Cause I was friends with girls like that growing up. Yea. And I would watch them do that to boys and I'm like, oh, this chick is so evil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she wanted my car. She wanted my Jeep.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, what if I put a pair of tits on top of it and then send it to you? She's like, okay. Yea, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She has a weird relationship with objects. She doesn't actually use them. She just likes owning them. Like computers and stuff. It's so strange, man. It is a weird relationship.