[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to say this, is that uhm, I've made the call before. I've had people call to make inquiries. And the feedback is always in the realm of no. So I don't know what else. I don't feel like that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Down syndrome people, right? So basically, here's how, this is what happened, right? She wants to say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel like- Yeah, I do. So uhm, I'll make a new deal. I won't say it as much. That white people are terrible? Because at the end of the day, I am- I grew up in America. I grew up in the suburbs. Yeah. In Poway, Green Valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Painted Rock Elementary. Painted Rock? Yea, I went to Twin Peaks Middle School. I went to Poway High.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I had white friends, black friends, Mexicans, Filipino friends. Who were your favorites of the group? Well, my dad made me a list of races best to worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably snake. Like it goes drastic to, from humans to number 3 snakes to animals and then you'll go back to like Mexicans and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you said that before? What? Jungle Asians? Have I said it before? Yea, on air. Just remark that. People go crazy over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She fucked Australian Bane, I may name them. Oh really? There's a guy named, I named Australian Bane. Uh huh. So it's Tom Hardy, but Australian. So it ended up like a bunch of male models. Right, he's just a thick ass, right? A Spanish professional soccer player. Oh wow. What the fuck is that fact?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's my point, and my point is that I don't want to sound like uhm, I'm complaining. You know, but uhm, I never get invited to do the cool thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like there's movements and then you always feel like you missed the boat on that. Hello? Yeah. Are you guys listening? I am listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what it is because I know and I've always said that what's happening at club level or street level when it comes to comedy isn't necessarily what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But without Pagger Belly? Yea. I don't know what would have happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just in general. Because I think that, yea, my podcast, Paggerbelly, kind of reinvented


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my career. It's huge. It's such a good podcast. And it's so fun. It's one of those things where I never thought...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, it's like I've never, I used to do the road and dread it. I used to dread the road because the people that would come out to see me were a mixed bag. It was like some people that knew me from Chelsea lately, some mad tv, I mean there was just like a different variety of things. But what Tiger Bradley did is funnel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That word's inquiry. Inquiry, if I mess up on inquiry, I don't fear messing up a word like that because, you know, they just know that I just don't know much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like, I was, I'm not kidding you, I was on a show for two years, it got cancelled. And maybe one or two times, somebody came out to me, out of the blue and said, I love you, I'm splitting up together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the funniest human beings on planet earth. And he's a case where if he would have just got gigantic like time together, sobriety time, that he could have really reinvented his career, right? But he keeps slipping back into


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny. Yeaah, he's very funny. Yeaah, but well, until, we won't do that until he's sober again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask, like, demanding why. Yeaah. And of course, like an idiot, I get the good Fiji water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would have been over. Uhm, and it's, it's like, it's surprising how sometimes you'll have a guest that like, you think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is gonna be easy. And it's difficult. Yeaah. You know what I mean? Where I've had guests where I would turn to Kalylan and go, I don't know what else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you guys, you inherently have to know how to do that though, right? Right, right. Andy Dick is a guy that, you know, knows how to do it, but when he's partying, he's just not the same. He's not as bright, he's not as quick. And he also goes on these weird, like, kind of psychotic tangents about something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are number one. What's the question? Okay, my question is this. We're seeing a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About what? There's a guy. There's a guy. It's not an Asian guy. He's right. And so do we comment? Is it this kind of show where we comment? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so you'll refuse to watch Game of Thrones? Yeah, until they recast. Alright, can I say this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Star Wars in the late 70s when Star Wars was a big hit and you ask somebody like, have you seen Star Wars? And they're like, no, I won't watch it. There's, there's dragons in it. Right? You'd be like, did you see it? No, that's not what I'm into. It's a cultural event. We tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't answer any more of his questions about sushi. Why? It's fucking dumb. Why is it dumb? Because I'll tell you why, right? Why can't you say this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you saw that movie. Yes. That you know it's a, it's an art sushi. Right. Yes. Right. But we're in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I understand that. I like it a lot. Alright, well then go to fucking... Fudd Rockers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go to a place like Ero Dreams of Sushi where you don't- That's what this is. That's what this is. Where they just make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a house full of lies and I get it. Let me see, I'm gonna ask you a question real quick though because I have, I'm going through a problem. I need your advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? Cause I know you bought your house over there. Yeah. I didn't say it. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we know, okay, so, we need to get a lot of fucking furniture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. What did you do? Did you buy all of it at once? Or was it like a three year thing? Like, here's an Ottoman...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we like, what I loved about it is that when you walk in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they go, uhm, Dan Cook. I go, who else? They go, Tom Shigeru. I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but then when I saw you perform and the nice gesture you did for me, I just know that this is going to be a lifelong friendship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met Paulie Shore in 1996 and he goes, come to Vegas with me. So when I went to Vegas with him, I opened for him at the Riviera. How was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only had five minutes of material. But Pauly had me open and it was me, Wild Willy Parsons and Pauly. But I was, I went to walk by a tattoo parlor and I go, I saw a ladybug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I want that ladybug on my buttcheek. I never had a tattoo. But then later I sat on it and it smeared and it looked like a dingleberry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looked like a piece of poo that was like shooting out of my asshole at a certain angle. So for years, like women would say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I s- I thought, you know, that was a real piece of shit on your thing. On your ass. So then I- I put a star over it. Really? Yeah, because I- it- the embarrassment of people thinking that there was like a piece of little poo shooting out of my butthole. That's not a good look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you put my com in a microscope and you looked at my com, I bet you money, it's more like my parents than me. What do you mean? In terms of work ethic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you're working hard? You know what I mean? And they would be like, we're ready to work. You know what I mean? But like, you know, so don't think that my cum is weak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my foundation is, um, Midwest for sure. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, whatever you're asking me right now, it's not, it's a house not built on stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm going to say this, I spent, how much money do I spend? I spend so much money on cologne. You do? Yea, I go to, I go to Lalavo to get Santel 33.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to any living being, I know how blood's gonna come out. And that's gonna smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, or lalabo. I think lalabo is cool because lala- Babe, why are you holding up my finger like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my friend Kelly Cole, he used to own a clothing store on Fairfax. One day he was walking down La Brea and I go, I smelled him and I go, were you in a fire? He goes, no. You smell like you were in a fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, oh la lavo. And then when it got it, yeaah. And you love it. I love it. That's cool. But you know why I stopped? You know why I stopped though? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that little weasel, Tony Hinchcliffe, yeaah. Tony Hinchcliffe? Yeaah. Hinchcliffe? Yeaah. That fucker asked me. He went up, cause I didn't think he could afford it. But then he afforded it, he could afford it. And he was smelling la lavo. And then I stopped wearing it. Cause I didn't want to smell like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like it when he smelled like that? Yeah, I actually do. That Tony Hinchcliffe? Yeah. If, you know, like a zombie apocalypse, you don't want him on your team. No? He's a kind of a guy that will stab you in the back. Whoa. He'll steal your food. Whoa, okay. He's not good with rations. Are you being serious? What do you mean, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A five o'clock on a Friday, right, I'm on the 101, and it's congested. Yeah. Right? And I had a 9-1-1 shit emergency. Both driving down there? No, I was by myself. Okay. Okay. Okay. No, what does one do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari, Ari. Yeah. Shafers. Yeah, Ari Shafers is what we call him. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's seen me run across to a street, to a house, and I shit on who? On somebody's what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Magnolias. Magnolias. Okay, good. So there's another fact, right? Why did you do that? Because I had diarrhea again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, what I'm saying is that when I have to shit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because toward the end of my dad's working life, he used to have employees, but he couldn't afford it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, he owned a clothing store that he was o- don't do that. Don't smile like that. I'm just getting vulnerable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought tonight, today's podcast went fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My god, I hate that lady. You do? Yea, I just come from a different stock. What do you mean? Yea, she's Vietnamese. No, that's not what I'm saying. Oh, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't try to do that. I thought that's what you meant. I just want to say that I come from a different stock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, but if you air this. No, no, no, you can't do it. So then you lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You lied? You know what? What's happened to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let us get it set up. Uhm, I want to honestly thank you for having me on your podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me what you're gonna say. It's better this way. Tell me what you're gonna say. Alright. When I see- When you see me. Yeah. Tell me. My heart flutters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes me feel good. I honestly think that you are, uhm, probably, you're very funny. Thanks. But you're also a kind hearted guy. Thank you. And I think that, uhm, you and Bill Burr, you guys are the future. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my question, okay? Why is it so hard to meet a girl just to fucking fuck, bro? Why does every girl wanna come in your life and make your life fucking complicated? Meanwhile, their life and their situation is solely fucking upside down, okay? But they wanna fucking come disrupt your life. I don't understand this shit, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was born and raised there and Rhett moved, uh, there for first grade. Wow. That's when this started. And this is where this ends. This is ridiculous. This is it. Full circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, you know, doing the whole biking around town, hey listen, we lived on opposite sides of town, which wasn't that far, so it was like, alright, we would meet at the cemetery, in the middle of our bike routes, and then we would, you know, pick a way to go, depending on... After desecrating some graves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we would frequent a cow pasture. Yeah. And just, I don't know who the farmer was or anything, but we would go there and we would chase the cows, like on foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very exhilarating feeling to have cows scatter out in front of you. I don't know, you know, city slicker style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I would know how to answer that. Like what body part hurts when I'm feeling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't wanna go to the same therapist. No, that's a bad idea. No, you shouldn't. Oh yeah, no, yeah, of course not. So I'm not gonna do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, the cow was pregnant, and so uhm, it was bloated. But the calf had made it halfway out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Big risk, you know? If you can't, that's a big mess. It looked like it was explosive. Like it was ready to go at any moment. Do you both still go back together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe once, it's almost, it's just once a year now though, like, sometimes twice, usually just once. It's kind of a slow flit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never lived alone because uhm, you know, I moved out of the house into the college dorm with him and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, got engaged and married right out of college, so I moved out of our apartment into- Holy shit. Like a house with my wife, so it's like, I've never experienced that, living by myself. It's great. Well, I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, yea. Only child. It wasn't physically a latch. What is a, what is phys-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this is a different time, you know. But we were those guys with the video camera, like doing the school project and like, stuff like that, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, comedy music. So, two stools, a guitar, lots of songs. I mean, that's the first thing we did on YouTube where we put the funny songs that we had written over the previous years. We started putting those on YouTube. Once YouTube existed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And it's like the whole team is lined up out there and there's like Canadian writers that they flew in and it was probably eight or nine people lined up and they're like, alright, here's the RV. And we're like, okay, let's go. And we start getting on the RV and we turn around and they're like standing there and we're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we're ready. And they're like, yeah, and they had just given us the RV and then they all got in like a 16 passenger van and followed us around the country. Really? And we felt horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they would open the door to the RV and we wouldn't know where we were. I mean, we didn't drink that much Coors Light, but I mean, you'd get disoriented. It's kinda like, probably like just, you know, traveling, you know, doing your gigs or whatever. At some point you're like, I don't exactly know where I'm at. Yeah. So they'd open the door and be like, well, uh, we're in Maine. You got six hours, make a video. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somewhere in the Midwest, it was like, you're at a board game convention. We got you passes, go in there and make a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's kinda hard to lose. I mean, we've got Good Mythical Morning as a show, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that show continues, so there's like 10 more minutes that's Good Mythical More, where it's like more laid back, which is like behind the scenes. Which is another channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we have our podcast Ear Biscuits that we do every week and that's another channel and that's basically it. We have our main channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We share like 55% with the creators. It's like a standard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We made one commercial for a taxidermist in Ojai called Chuck Testa, so that was like a meme that was nope Chuck Testa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through the production company, they said, alright, we're gonna do the casting thing, so then people would send in tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was like, there was like an audition tape where it was like Chuck's son was filming him skin something and the dude's barefoot and he talks like this and he's very deadpan and we're like, this guy's great. So we came up with Nope, Chuck Testa, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says it like it changed my life for maybe a year, I don't know. He's still a friend of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we've started touring, like the, you know, like the gig at the Ryman, I mean just to be able to say, oh we're playing at the Ryman, like as country music fans, that's pretty amazing. And then, you know, we went to Australia and like people are buying tickets and showing up, it's just weird man, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I just, I went pretty deep too. I thought maybe I did, but I was, I really wanted to think about it for you. Yeah, and I'm glad you did. Well, he has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying he's not a good character, I'm just saying once you've seen the real thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is a performance. He's playing a character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we didn't give him a stethoscope, he had it in his drawer of his sales desk. And that's the switch we made. Why do we have to play characters when these real people are basically writing this for us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got scooters? Yeah, was it we got scooters? That was, that was an outtake from the one that he's talking about where we played the two brothers. Yes. And then we realized that was so much funnier. That was hilarious. And that's when it clicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we got her to market, we said, you can market this scooter to people who've had, you know, DWIs. So we're like, oh, you got a DWI? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do stuff for him, like splash milk into things for him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that I, I think you're right, that I would just say, hey, you're, you're going down, man, and I'm not going with you. Uh, because is there a clause in our, in our insurance? Like, we've got- Probably. At a certain, at a certain point, we got, we got insurance. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I am going, I gotta get, I gotta get that income that is gone by you not being there, which is gonna be low, cause I'm still there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always look guilty when I didn't do something. Right. But I like to think that when I am guilty, I'm pretty cool about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were doing that thing, that's pretty awesome. I thought you were doing that thing as a seasoned podcast host, you're like, we're having that conversation where we're all trying to remember the name of a movie that everybody knows, so I'm gonna bitch this moment. I'm gonna bitch this moment, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you got a third person with the camera, who's that, you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I distinctly remember it being on the wiener tip. On the tip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My two hands are holding it up where you can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Red bugs. Yeah. Geez. Is there another, uh, horrible hilarious to show them? So we're saying, uh, that was hilarious. You're saying funny? Yeah, super great. This is not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he has no... Right. There's exposed bone. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this another angle? This is a different video. Different guy. Different guy, yea. Oh no. He's going to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would probably just walk over very slowly and then kinda stare down at him. Not unlike that guy did. Right, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand, this realm that we're operating in here, there's like uhm, to me I think there's both. It's not, you can, I can be, I can find parts of it funny and I can find parts of it horrendous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. Not when it comes to violence, but when it comes to certain types of comedy, I don't have a specific example, but like, I just think you can be... Again, you can find something funny and then you can... You ever go on eFucked? No, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How hard do you perceive that they're trying? How many?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we just eat a lot of stuff. I mean, it's like, that's not what the show is intended to be. It's supposed to be like a creative expression of our conversational nature of our friendship. But yeah, we just eat a lot of variously prepared animal testicles. Right, eat a lot of testicles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Carolina Reaper was the world's hottest pepper, and we said, okay, we're gonna set a timer, I mean all this was on camera, so we wanted to make sure that the whole experience was captured, so we didn't edit anything out, we said we're gonna set a timer for 10 minutes, we're gonna eat the whole pepper, and then we're not going to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Consume anything. Not gonna drink or eat anything else. We're just gonna ride it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, Rhett had this impulse to start destroying the set. Like, just, it became physically violent, but it was very funny. And uhm, it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see the fear in our eyes at a certain point. I mean, we took the precautions, like we had gloves and, you know, cause you don't want to touch your eyes or anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we were still crying and I haven't watched it back because I just don't. And you were miserable. Just the eclipse of it. For 12 hours? Well, on and off, it's like something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 11 o'clock that we, we filmed that morning, 11 o'clock that night we were filming something else. And in between takes I would lay down in the fetal position and it, you know, I think the way my stomach works is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it does like a major turn every, it's not constant, but like I could tell that something happened every 10 or 15 minutes. It would be like everything got turned over and it exposed all this heat to my stomach. It was a new part of your system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Youtube funded our show, uh, a few seasons back, and we made it even longer. So instead of 15 minutes, it was a half hour every day. We did that for a stint, and because as part of their funding of it, there was a medic on set. Right. And then when that funding went away, we went back to 15 minutes, uh, the medic also went away. Yeah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have eggs, you can't make it in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is odd because, you know, the bell has the reputation of just tearing you up. Right. That's what makes it a great way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't- I don't hate Taco Bell. Which- You would. Oftentimes I prefer- I refer to Taco Bell as potential sponsor Taco Bell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you can't answer it, but can you, you can use it basically to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it in there. Oh, it can go in there. It can go in there, and like, like an enema.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just spread, relax and aim and just position yourself and then it'll, you get in kind of an internal


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've got four settings, guys. I got two buttons. One is light, one's heavy, and then if I hit the heavy one twice it's gonna like, it's gonna undulate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't oscillate it. You know what I mean. This thing goes like this. The stream can't waggle. What about the staccato stream? Oh, you mean where it goes like... I don't like that. It doesn't move, so the stream doesn't move at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think that's why I'm choosing Taco Bell, because even with all this apparati, you don't wanna, I mean, you don't wanna have, you don't wanna, if you're constantly decimated down there, then that's uh, that affects everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just washing it off is not gonna make it better. You're gonna have diagnosable problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that looks amazing. Yea, that one's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, this guy's got all the moves. He's taking the whipped cream, putting it in his cup. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A man on our board of directors owned that airplane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone thinks I'm an asshole, I just want you to know that, cause I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so every week that we forget, we still make it a little bit longer. We still pretend like, okay. Yes. So next week, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that sounds high, but I think it's, oh. What's your score?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then puked while passed out and doesn't even realize that he had already thrown up all over himself. So he was like, no man, I don't need a puke. And the instructor was like, dude, you just puked all over me. You did already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So jellies. Did my tribe, are they buying tickets to see him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not tomorrow. No, next week. Oh, nevermind. Alright, May 31st through June 1st, I'm at Flapper's Comedy Club in Sperm Bank, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 20th or 22nd, Washington D.C. at the Dick Hum Improv. I'm gonna be announcing some more dates shortly, uh, but we're looking at the East Coast, we're looking everywhere. Midwest, I'm hitting it up bros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, ugh. Now is it a rule that you have to be either morbidly obese or just unattractive? Or hot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I always go back to this, is like, who the fuck has the time to invest in these full-time job of a fetish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? These people don't have the kids, the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time. After I shake people's hands at shows, I immediately go wash. Immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's also wearing a bondage harness, which probably makes it hard to run to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. All these fun dreams I could have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I follow a lot of people on TikTok similar to this. TikTok's really bringing in a special crowd. We'll talk about it later. Um, yeah, this is kinda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to dress like a fat goth chick to be the passenger. I think that's the rule. You have to be like a heavy girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, in this- Don't you know, Tom, that we're supposed to stop shaming people and we're supposed to be inclusive and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, to do the documentary, I think what bothers me is they don't have any kind of shame about it. Like, what happened to shame? Just a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is different. This is different. This is elaborate. I think the amount of- That's what really bothers me, is how much work goes into some nonsense like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta buy all this gear, you gotta find the thing to be carried in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of, uhm, I mentioned TikTok earlier. I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. And just so you know, I've taken to TikTok. It's my new thing. And I'm on there. And there's a lot of mentally disabled people on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, I don't- I follow them and I like their stuff so I'm like, supportive, you know? I try to be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I've been on there a lot, I send you my highlights, I send you like my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, for those of you who don't know, it's meant to be an app where you play like a snippet of a song and then people do like a dance or they sing along to the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is, there's, there's that one song, if you see me on the street, something bitch, get out of my way. And a lot, okay, so here's what I see a lot of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not? Like, maybe like the south kinda? Well, maybe. I see a lot of those and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the right. No, this guy's a primo TikTok candidate. He should have an account if he doesn't already. This is the kind of stuff I watch on TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now also I'd want to point out that the TikTok app has lots of genuinely talented people, like that's how I learned all these cool dances, like the Hey Julie song, or I learned the Baby Shark remix, do you know that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, I've become cool too, I've-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been listening to Billie Eilish. You've heard of her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know what I like about her, she's kinda spooky. She's not like a regular girl. She's kinda, I'm like a weird girl. I like her weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love her. Anyways, cool report, I'm cool and you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sent you boxes and boxes of cool stuff. A color latest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your shit's so dope. Look at me. I'm obviously, I'm huge. I've been a fan my whole life. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead. Well I wanted to point out, uh, I mentioned briefly on our last episode or two


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I have decided to start drying myself off thoroughly in the shower and it's a brand new thing I've been doing. I know the backlash has been tremendous. It's been like, it's worse than wipegate. I feel like it's a very polarizing topic in our world, our community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes his cov- That's how you're gonna reduce that whole argument? But... Gosh, you really are crazy. So, people lean into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying I don't dry off at all, what I do is I wrap the towel around me under my armpits and then I pat pat pat and I will leave my shoulders wet and my legs wet and then the rest of me is kind of damp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I've, like, okay, so Blue Band, you suggested, tell me, tell the audience what you told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a hotel robe. Cause I've been, I use this brand called Barefoot Dreams and it's like a super soft UGG type of thing. Yea, that's not a towel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand. That's the problem is I've been doing that and I'm like, I'm still wet. I'm still wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, you're clearly selecting these slanted emails, do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even in the summertime and I like to sweat, I think it's good for you to sweat. Cause you wake up purified. Now I will let you guys know as a towel drying update, I've been slacking, I've been lazy. Like I started to and then today I actually caught myself back to my old ways and I was getting dressed and I noticed that my shoulder was wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh, I need to tell off more, but I've been slacking in all honesty. So I kind of had to go back to like being conscious of doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hold on, you mean to tell me that somebody on Tinder is claiming that that's their line?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is right. This is a ta- Here's the deal, man. Is that, first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are the originator of the double pipe classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And show me how those big tits fart, that is vintage Tom Segura as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a rare occurrence when you are blessed enough to both burp and fart at the same time. Shit, washing down that double beef and bean burrito with Coca-Cola.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to say... Show me how those- I feel like I said it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna say, show me how those big tits fart happened after I had our first kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, maybe back in 2015 when I had big, big, big milkers. 2015. When I was breastfeeding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I want to say it's around the time where I was like, oh my tits are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So big, and you were like, show me how those big tits fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's around the time I had mushy purples, when I was talking about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'd say thin gay man. I'm gonna throw sexual orientation in there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I love magic though. I-I shouldn't shit on it. I love it, but I wouldn't work at a fucking dumb magic store. Okay. Cause what kind of dorks are you gonna meet there? You're not gonna meet any hot guys. You know what I'm saying? What? Well you didn't pick a job like that when you were young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I picked my places of employment based on the type of dudes I would meet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I worked at Starbucks, I worked at a bookstore in the summers of college and high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah, that's where you're gonna meet, like, normal people. Smart people at a bookstore. Barstucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Camp counselor, you're gonna hook up with other camp counselors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leofar, that's his name, and I always think about how he finger jams her because he's got them long nails. It's gotta hurt her cooch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want to hear you, cause I've deliberately not asked you about this off mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and he's been super famous since the 70s. Decades. You're thinking, I mean, you're, you're famous at Welcome Back, Cotter. He's what, a teenager at that level?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he starts the fake smile, where the eyes don't match. Here's a real smile, your whole face lights up. He's doing the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The half smile, the face, it's the Garth, it's Garth thingy. Okay, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is? Okay, I know what it is. I know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's also the part of him that's an actor. He's playing the part of just a natural guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, and by the way, may I comment him on the decision to go full balls? It looks great. And I'm not, no sarcasm at all. It looks great. It looks great on him. He's got a good head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, and I think too, it's the forest smiling. Hey guys. Yea, he's, something's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's been gossip about Travolta for years. There's been a lot of gossip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what's your favorite entree item at McDonald's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't get that in the copy reads and stuff that they prefer you call it an entree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you guys are expecting your first baby jeans. Oh, that's what that is. Yeah, congratulations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, are you guys gonna have, I'm assuming a home birth, in a tub, you guys are gonna invite your family, friends, neighbors, whole foods. You are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love it. And have you, uhm, when I was pregnant with our first son, Tom and I would go eat and we would order two entrees and then like a dessert with breakfast. So we would order breakfast, breakfast, and then pancakes for breakfast. Are you guys on the gaining weight together tour?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that keeps your cache at a certain level. So the idea is once you introduce dicks, now you're, I think your cache drops. So if you're doing anal, that's a peg down, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a would you rather, uhm, that we were discussing in the lobby before you guys came. We were talking about small penises and big balls and things of that nature. I know about that. Yea? Do you have one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you agree with Josh that you would rather be partially blind than have a micro penis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but we were discussing too that necessarily, it's not necessarily a good thing in real life to have a huge dick like that because what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Patty Stanger always said that real boobs, they squish in the middle. You know what I mean? They look mushy and they meat. But you can tell the bad fakies, yeah, when they're big like basketballs and they don't touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you, I was in my, uhm, I go get Botox and I was in my doctor's office and she does boob jobs. And I was getting to play with the saline bags when she was doing my Botox. You know, the boob bags, the tit bags. And I go, give me the biggest one. And I was just squeezing them for fun. Just lightly squeezing and pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I want to look like me and I don't mind looking my age, I just don't like the deepness. They put injections in your, uhm, forehead, it paralyzes the muscles so you can't make it any deeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know it's so funny though, I feel like I'm in, I mean after, after two babies and stuff, I'm just like, I don't know what hap- maybe it's just me, but you start to be like, I don't give a shit anymore about trying to look, like perfection for me, it's, it's gone, the ideal is gone. I'm just trying to get healthy enough and like functionally thin enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying on her Instagram account, cause I do follow Trisha. Uhm, and I, I'm fascinated. I'm fascinated. I do, I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Trisha, I follow her on the Gram, she tours. Tours in what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like uhm, that's what I'm not, I don't know what she does for her live show, but I know she do- I think she might just do like meet and greets or something, I don't know. Oh, new album, sorry, she does music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do know that she's like a, uh, successful vlogger, right? Like, they- she does vlogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't see, I don't even know who that is. I like, I'm on the periphery. I hear it through you guys. What about Progeron? Huh? Progeron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but to me, so I do Sunday treats at the house, that's where we eat like garbage. Sunday. So I do, I blow it out once a week. Now you're saying once a month is a blow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, let me explain the premise, because I've seen it a million times. Came out in the mid-80s. The premise is that a guy's trying to get into Harvard or some top Ivy League school. However, because of the, I think his grades are not good enough or whatever. So, he turns himself black. He takes tanning pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what's interesting is that they knew there was a boundary somewhere because he didn't adopt a black accent. Do you know what I'm saying? Like they kind of were aware that that must have been inappropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't- I've never actually met a Laquisha. Like I've been- I've met a lot of- I knew a girl in school named Afrika.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much fun stuff. Well, this guy looks like a cool guy already. Oh, the coolest. You don't know this one, right? I don't, but it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. He's certainly not keeping a secret this way. This is not a secret anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well. You're always out. Just gone. Kids are like, we're dead. Busy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have done that because- Everyone has done it. Everybody knows the experience. I only own a few towels, so I've run out, and I've just been like, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a hairless woman, I would imagine you could just, it would dry, evaporate pretty fast, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because here's the thing, I often do though on accident. Right. Because I'm hairy. Right. So like me drying off, I could take a towel to this all day and I still am like a fucking dog. Right, but you still tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I try like the Dickens and sometimes I fail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I figured out why you need to have the temperature at 78 degrees all the time because you're fucking damp walking around all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you feeling like, you know, you can experience a cooler temperature in the room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, now that I'm older, I mean, when I was 23, I uh, I fucked like a 40-something year old. That's a pretty big leap at that age. Yeah, and she ate my bum. What? Yeah, that's the woman that ate my butt. A real mom, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had some, I definitely made an effort, but, you know, I didn't dry off that day, let's just say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, well once I knew she was coming and wanted to then eat my bum, I prepared my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I let her deal with the hair. How was she at it? Scrum Master? I mean, it was my only occasion where I got it, so it's like, I think it was, uh, five stars, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She started that way. She, uh, she started just in the area. And then, well, I mean, like I said, I didn't know if she was just joking around. Were you in the Change My Dai Dai or on all fours? Well, I start, she started just, you know, doing what women do down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all of a sudden lifted my legs into change the die die situation. Wow. And I was like, huh, what's this for? And then I found out. Wow. Yeah. I realized, hey, that thing's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I was on the body issue of uh, ESPN. Yeah, I can see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's plenty of hair on the belly, it's just the lighting is a little more flattering to the belly than it is to the shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, and if you skip red bulls, there's no brown? I mean there is but it's a little bit easier coming out, you know, if I have a few red bulls. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like everyone else does in the morning, I think. And so if you skip the Red Bull, you just don't have the morning shit? I probably wouldn't shit in the morning, no, you're right. Like it would just sit in my body for- You're guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did your staff do it where you were doing it? No, I was the only one. ESPN body issue was out and uh, this is the exact pose that Gronk did. And so I was like, well shit, if Gronk can do it, my body. Didn't you go to high school with Gronk? Yes. That's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He retired. I know. I'm gonna retire too, I think. That's awesome. Well, after this, I mean, how'd you beat this? Who took the photo? Uh, my buddy Mike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Childhood friends speak today. I'm starting to understand why Brody killed himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fart mic? Oh, that's good to know. Especially drinking all this coffee with your new coffee machine. Are you gonna fart? I don't know. Brody would have really liked that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I really do kill at funerals for some reason. I believe it. And I don't know why, I remember going as a young comic to see, I was so honored and I got invited to Henny Youngman's funeral and then later Milton Berle's funeral and I wound up speaking at Buddy Hackett's funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realize like that those, those moments is when you can really cut through people's agony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you gotta do it. We almost have a responsibility when they ask you as a comedian, even if it's a tough one. Spoken, some are tougher than others, obviously, if you're really close to the person. Sure. But yeah, man. You were really close with Hackett, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we were like, uh, we were like real good pals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, making a couple hundred thousand a week in the 80's, you know. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would come to the Friars Club in New York to the roasts and he befriended me after a roast. Just thought it was funny and invited me out. Well the first time I actually met him was in an elevator at the Friars Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got in the elevator, I was going to play poker with Greg Fitzsimmons and Elon Gold, and I wasn't even a member of this Friars club yet. It was like a showbiz club in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he, he got in the elevator and I was just wearing my one good blazer. Here we go. You gonna fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was my first roast. My opening joke there was pretty good too. What was it? I realize a lot of you don't know me, but I feel uniquely qualified to be here today because I'm also a shitty actor. Was Seagal a game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Milton Berle and Buddy Hackett sort of adopted me and I improvised with them. And during the roast, that was my first roast back when they really couldn't get people. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five on the list of stuff he was an expert on. He knew everything about relationships and politics and religion and he collected guns and he, he's just an interesting dude. I like old guys too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was this route 22 through Union, New Jersey, near where we live, this highway. And you know, all the shops were like in the middle lane, so you'd have to do U-turns to get to the other place. And this is a highway. He would, he would, he would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used to stare, there was a diner, diner on route 22, I think it was called the Lido diner, I forgot. And uhm, we'd sit in the diner eating our breakfast and he'd look out at the window at his bank across the highway, across this three lane highway and he'd, on a Sunday he'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there must be some secret to staying relevant or at least staying funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you see a lot of old people, they, their jokes become corny or, uh, they're so rich or, or lazy, they don't, they kind of lose their edge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, why are police records better than stings records?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens when you get successful? How do you keep it going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why was Joan Rivers hilarious at 80 when maybe other people make it to 80 and their drugs are like, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think it wasn't the specials, it was my act that was starting to evolve where like I wanted to keep roasting, but I didn't want to be predictable and I didn't want to repeat myself. And I wanted roasting to become broader because I, I was, I was loving it. Yeah. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It became where I just didn't want to do regular stand up anymore. Audiences were getting more and more rambunctious and the internet and social media was causing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, who's the best person to roast? How about like, guys in orange jumpsuits? That might be funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go, how about women in orange jumpsuits? And how about, how about the next one I roast cops on the job? Were these ever tough sells, like when you would pitch this? Very difficult. Really? Not just to Comedy Central, uh, but to, you know, my team, obviously, and, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, the jails themselves and the police precincts and the border towns, like wherever I go, it gets easier, but the ideas get harder, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little bit of a catch-22 where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The jail gets something out of it. And uh, and then when I got there we had a safety meeting. I said, isn't there, aren't we having a safety meeting? He goes, no, there's not much for you to know. We got it all. You're in our hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, well, is there a guy with a gun behind him? No, no guns in the jail. Huh, so how does this work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, they didn't want to tell me too much because they didn't want me to be nervous, but I said like, well, basically they let on that, oh, here's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I took a step back, like surprise, and we had a, you know, that show went, and I, in between shows, I said to the, to Wayne, I said, why are the murderers up front? He goes, oh, well that's the safest place for them to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, why? He goes, well, if anything happens, they're the closest to the, where we can get at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I, I definitely took a couple of big deep breaths walking in and walking out of that place. It's a ballsy idea, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't want to humiliate anybody, so they all have to be volunteers more or less to come to the show. And I did make a speech at the end saying everything I said is a joke and, you know, if I called some guy a nickname or a funny joke name, that shouldn't stick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like I didn't want somebody to be bullied in the wrong way that I was roasting, because roasting is anti-bullying. You know, that's how I started roasting was when I was getting bullied as a kid. I started making fun of the bully and then he left me alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was not verbal bully, he was like hitting me and pushing people around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the advantage of being white. I had the advantage of being careful, you know? Yeaah. And not doing it for too long. But we all do dumb shit when we're kids and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's always happened. Growing up in New Jersey, like starting out comedy in New Jersey, New York, you didn't need to even be a rose guy. Any comment, any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was even always worried about insulting someone and pissing them off because that would be in front of everybody. I was worried about the whole week I was there or when I brought people on stage to get speed roasted, somebody who premeditated just wanting to be a show off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in there for life anyway. Let's shank this goofy guest. I'll be a legend around here. Let me just put him in a headlock for five seconds. Let me just punch him in the face and it'll be hilarious forever. Like that's more what I'm worried about. I was worried about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's a, there's a real trust factor between me, myself, the inmates, and the jailers, and it all worked out okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, at the level I'm at, I feel like listening is the part that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really have to concentrate on, and you can't take for granted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what's, what's coming at you and your reactions to that is really important. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll ask somebody, you know, I had a lady on stage this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she hobbled up on stage to get speed roasted with her husband. I take volunteers from the audience. I don't pick them, they pick, they, they volunteer. And this lady hobbled up on stage with crutches and she had, you know, half a leg missing. So, to me it's not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me starting off with a bunch of jokes, it's about going like, so this is your husband, how long you two been married, you know, and let her kind of get into it so that my reactions are roasty. Right. Not necessarily starting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and the audience kind of, you know, felt for her and I hugged her and I asked her how she's feeling now. She said she's feeling great. And then this other, this weirdo lady standing along the line, they get waiting to get speed roasted, who had already made fun of for five minutes, just some wacko lady, like,


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[Assistant] Who was just like trying to fuel me up and smacking me and just a, just a nut job from the audience. Uhm, just ran down the stage and hugged her. And I said alright, well now you survived cancer, now you have AIDS.


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[Assistant] I like to, if I'm doing two shows or a big long thing, especially with Atel where I gotta like run around and keep up with him, I need my carbs.


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[Assistant] More often than not, when I first hear who we're roasting, they go, what do you think we're gonna roast? You know, Bruce Willis. I already have, like I think in punchlines, and the first thing I think of usually becomes a great opening joke or closing thought. Really? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh, uh, I was like, oh, that's a, you know, that's gonna have to be something about, um, how I look like him.


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[Assistant] Would be an uneasy one, but you know, die hard, uhm, whatever, eight, uhm, natural causes.


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[Assistant] And, and I start to look at what other connections there are. Like, oh, okay, we're both from New Jersey. There's something I can work with.


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[Assistant] I see dead people. And it was all, I see fat people. And I was like, he said it to me, I was the kid in the bed. That was really fun. Really funny. I gotta repost those for, for, uh.


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[Assistant] Really? He was calling me for a month and a half before the roast. I stutter, make fun of this, don't hold back cause I want to have all the good will when I go up at the end and you know.


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[Assistant] He loved it. He really loved it. That's cool. That's good to hear actually. Yeah, he sent me a bunch of stuff, wrote me a nice letter. He's a good guy.


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[Assistant] Thick skin. Thick skin with Jeff Ross. I always say life is hard, we're getting through it together. It's a cathartic bonding, uh,


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[Assistant] Sometimes I take down the old ones just cause, I don't know why, I like having just a few up. Oh really? I like having the new ones, the newer ones up.


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[Assistant] I know but for some reason I don't want them to. Really? I like keeping them fresh. Okay. I don't know why. I think it's still like a hobby level for me. Right. But I was out on the road one weekend when I first moved to my new house in Studio City in the hills up there and my cousin Ed


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[Assistant] Who loves podcasting, he just built a little studio down under the, under the house, under the pool.


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[Assistant] And I'm really, really enjoying it. It takes me back to my college radio days. Yeah. We had Larry Charles on last week. Oh yeah. Who directed the.


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[Assistant] You know, Borat movies, Bruno movies. It's amazing. The dangerous world of comedy. The dangerous world of comedy, yea. Really cool show.


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[Assistant] I did notice that people started stopping me and asking me if they could come out. And I go, oh, that's a good sign, must be.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we do like touchy subjects on the news, you know, we, you know, whenever somebody dies, it's a very cathartic, when someone dies, we do roast in peace.


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[Assistant] You know, we had Peter Tork last week, whoopin' the monkeys. Didn't you do one of, uh, Brody? We did a Brody one. Why don't you give us a Brody, Joe? I said, uh, poor Brody, he's emceeing in that big side stage in the sky now.


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[Assistant] It's more about taking the jokes than dishing them out, the podcast, like thick skin, like.


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[Assistant] You know, a little bit of like, I would say life is hard, we're getting through it together.


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[Assistant] It's on the draw to this show. You got, it's like when David Letterman would come out or Jimmy, you know, Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon walk out on stage, they don't bring Julia Roberts out. Right. Right. They do 10, 15 minutes of comedy that people tune in to. Absolutely.


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[Assistant] I wrote an inside joke I meant to do, hold on, this is good. Oh yeaah. I hope I'm, I hope I'm at least a better guest than Danny Brown.


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[Assistant] Music and comedy are really colliding in a big way right now. And when Bumping Mics came out, I started getting all these messages from musicians. Really? Drake.


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[Assistant] It's wearing me out. It's like everything is...


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[Assistant] So you know, I had a rough childhood. It's not as bad as some of the ones that I wasn't separated from my parents at the border. But you know, my parents were sick and they died when I was a teenager and I go, I think that gave me thick skin to talk about mourning and moving on.


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[Assistant] How to, you know, you think kids didn't tease me and it's like.


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[Assistant] You're just worried, you know, social media's made that more of a, of a thing right now, but you know, I just, I'm not into the wimpy pussy culture.


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[Assistant] You know, women, women are equals, women need to be able to be part of the laughs, and disabled people need to be part of the, be able to take a joke, and every ethnicity needs to be able to take the joke, and I find those are the people listening to my podcast, those are the people coming to our shows.


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[Assistant] A jail or, or, you know, I've done shows for the homeless. I've done shows for, you know, in war zones. Those are the best crowds. They're not paying. They're not drinking. They're there because they need it. It's medicine. You don't want your medicine watered down either. You want it potent.


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[Assistant] Of Guantanamo Bay, the terrorists are there and the torture and, but there's this also whole other gigantic military community that's not even part of the prison. Yeah, most of it's not. Right. Yeah. And as you know, those, those are great crowds and. Oh yeah. There's families living there and it's like, the military shows have been great because I got to see


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[Assistant] Stuff that normal people don't get to see and I really dig that.


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[Assistant] And some of them are safe and some of them aren't, but he even walked up on stage and jabooting and was like, hey man, you guys, hats off to you, you're stationed in the worst place we have.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I went, I went two Christmases ago, I guess. And sadly, I'll have to keep going. It doesn't sound like any of that is ending in my lifetime. Be nice if all those Saddam palaces were


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[Assistant] Casinos by now. I think Trump would have made that happen. Right. Right. But no.


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[Assistant] And I did, uh, did, uh, some USO stuff together too. We went to, uhm, Germany to Landstuhl Medical Hospital to the show.


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[Assistant] On Comedy Central, Sarah was one of the writers and Brody was our warm-up guy and there's a real family for 12 episodes.


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[Assistant] That's show business, you know, the shows come and go, I always think, like the shows, the projects, the pilots, they come and go, but these relationships are what sustain us. You know, you're talking about, talking to me years ago before we even knew each other, we had a relationship.


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[Assistant] You went into another guy in a strange town and he's pacing and he's nervous. Am I gonna make it harder for him or worse for him? It's like, which side, you know, who are you?


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[Assistant] Mediterranean food will kind of go through you sometimes. Uh, the shwarma makes me, uh, yeah, I, I, I've been, I performed there twice. Most recently, um,


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[Assistant] I loved every second of it. I love spending time with Chris. Um, I would do, I would do, he would have me go on right before him and, and do my standup and then bring up, and these are huge arenas, 10, 15,000. And I'd work it out with security where I'd bring up volunteers from the front sections, line them up, speed roast the shit out of them in arena style. Copenhagen, Stockholm.


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[Assistant] All through Ireland and England and man, you know, it was, it was amazing experience in all these foreign countries and we, we made a stop in Tel Aviv and, you know, people just.


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[Assistant] American comedy is, is a great, our biggest export, one of our biggest exports. Everyone's down with what we were doing, what I was saying and even though I wouldn't understand all the accents in Sweden, they got everything we said. It was a really great experience.


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[Assistant] Nothing. Same, same act I do here, except they're more eager to hear about Trump and politics and what our take is.


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[Assistant] Was on it. And they, they all know Chris's specials from over the years. They learned how to speak English. A lot of people listening to Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy and.


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[Assistant] I think in another year or so he'll start thinking about it again because it's just, it's too juicy.


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[Assistant] Lots of people want to see him in every corner of the world. There's places he still hasn't gone.


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[Assistant] He wants to avoid it? He wants to go to casinos in the Midwest and South and North Pacific where he doesn't know anybody, where they let him smoke in the elevators. Hilarious.


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[Assistant] It's a challenge coming up with insults for David Tell because he wears the same thing every single show. Whereas I mix it up and give him something to work with. I'll wear a different hat, a different shirt, different shoes, a coat.


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[Assistant] That's great. He's a good guy. He got a good heart.


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[Assistant] He raises my game, I love working with him.


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[Assistant] Even in the casino markets you think, cause those are really, he won't really do the theaters, he likes the casinos.


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[Assistant] The only reason he closes the second show with us...


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[Assistant] Is because he was there with his wife and friends for the first show, loved it so much, called the babysitter and was like, we're staying out and stayed for a whole other show. And by then I was like,


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[Assistant] All right. This guy's had a bunch of drinks. He's here for two shows. I'm not even going to ask him. We're just bringing him up. Yeah. And he's flew right out of his seat and played with us for 10 minutes. So it is a night out. Like we produce it by not really completely producing it. We kind of put a few things out there like,


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[Assistant] Like Bruce Willis said, Hey, I want to come see your show. I said, great, you know, take care of you and your friends. But I'm on the guest list.


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[Assistant] I don't see him before, I don't tell him I'm gonna introduce him. I wouldn't have introduced him, but Dave was like, alright, I'll take it, you know, and he just like, shouted him out. So I said to myself,


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[Assistant] That afternoon, Bruce Willis has come in, we're shooting, it's our first night. What if something does happen where he leaps out of his chair or something does happen? I want to be prepared.


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[Assistant] He, he is off the street, you know, has a cigarette, he'll say hi.


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[Assistant] And we go. And if I want to like, hey Dave, will you set me up for this, this and this? No.


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[Assistant] And sometimes, uhm, I'll set him up for a joke that he's done three nights in a row and knocked out of the park and then he'll, he'll, he'll just ignore me. And that's infuriating.


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[Assistant] Until he finds one he likes and then when he gets it the way he likes it, he never does it again.


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[Assistant] He's not thinking about building material for a special, he's just thinking about


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[Assistant] Yeah. Oh my God, he has another half hour that he could have done. We'll also like argue about that. I'm like, Dave, we gotta like kill, like you gotta bring your best stuff. And then I'll set them up for a home run joke that's going to get us out of the episode and he'll just ignore me. It's infuriating.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if I see him afterwards, it's about the next show. I don't have time to look back. He's not engaging on that. I've learned how not to fight with him and I learned that it's not me.


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[Assistant] Him and I've become really patient and to be honest with you, as much as we've been friends our whole careers, Dave and I decades, like I think this has made us like truly pals where we're.


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[Assistant] I haven't really thought about this or talked about it too much, but, you know, we had big fights going into this thing like a couple years ago, like a couple Christmases ago when we were starting to like,


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[Assistant] And he'll admit this too, like he will, uhm, he will defer to me on other things. Where he would fight back about it all the time.


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[Assistant] You know, um, we're comics and there's always little mood swings in here and there. Of course.


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[Assistant] You know, and I'm always fascinated when two funny guys get together who don't necessarily have to be together. Right. It's kind of fun, like when rappers get together. I asked uhm,


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[Assistant] There's a, there's a musical thing called Blackstar. Talib Quelli is a rapper with Most Def. Of course. They both have solo careers, and they do both do extremely well, but they do this special thing together.


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[Assistant] And I asked Talib Quelli, I go, how do you get along with most stuff? Like how do you guys like work it? And he goes, oh, I just do what most says.


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[Assistant] I've learned that if I try to push back and, and, and, you know, most, most, you know, maybe I shouldn't be saying all this on the, on the podcast, but basically he said like he's learned to just sort of trust that,


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[Assistant] He pushes me to, like he wasn't settling on a director and everybody I brought to him he either wouldn't meet with or they were too hip or they, he would accuse them of over lighting someone else's special.


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[Assistant] And then, you know, I brought him, finally I was lamenting all this to my pal Andrew Jurecki, who is a documentarian.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And I knew I wanted this to have a documentary feel.


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[Assistant] I was like, alright, I can make that work. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, we'll make it a weekend, um, format. We'll call the episodes by the night and we'll see if that works and we'll do two shows a night and we'll intercut some of our sort of offstage stuff and, and Andrew, um, eh,


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[Assistant] Andrew to his credit, even though he'd seen Dave and I perform together many, many times more than anyone else, Andrew's not a comedy director. He'd never worked in comedy and I'd been telling him for...


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[Assistant] The whole 15 years I've been friends with this guy, you should do comedy. It'll add years to your life. These documentaries you keep doing about child molesters and murderers.


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[Assistant] But we didn't want it to be like my friends directing it, so Andrew went down to the Comedy Cellar without me.


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[Assistant] He's like, no, I love Amy, but I'm here to hang with you Dave. And that's when Dave really, you could tell Dave really fell in love. Andrew told me this whole story after, you know, and uh.


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[Assistant] We really wanted to get Dave on board with Andrew because Dave had turned down three or four other comedy directors.


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[Assistant] It's part of being, I once asked, I also once asked a pen, Penn Gillette, who's in Penn and Teller, I said,


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[Assistant] I said, give me some advice, give me some advice, like how do you guys, cause I've written for a comedy team, my first writing job was writing for MTV, read Johnny and the Round Guy, two comics were, this was in the 90s, uh, John DiMaggio, um, uh, from Futurama,


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[Assistant] Uhm, was Red Johnny and, uhm, Tim was his partner, uhm, Tim Regan and, and,


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[Assistant] And I learned that they would always fight and I'd always be breaking up fights between these guys. I was like, oh, I can't have that with Dave. How do these teams work? I remember Buddy Hackett telling me early on that they offered him


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[Assistant] He's like, well Noah, I go, how does it work with you and Teller? He goes, well, I mean Noah, ours works because no other team has Teller as a partner.


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[Assistant] In other words, he loved Teller and they, they're special things. So it really is unique.


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[Assistant] Look at you two. I mean, how many marriages work? You've been married over a decade.


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[Assistant] Maybe that's why I put up with Dave's shit. Because I am blinded by my affection for him. I really do watch him on stage.


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[Assistant] Like, he was hosting the open mics when I was beginning. He was already made, he was already a couple years in.


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[Assistant] Oh really? Like it wasn't my idea a year ago to ask him? You know, like, he doesn't forget a thing.


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[Assistant] Wait, no, no, we're not. We just did an hour and a half?


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[Assistant] Yeah, so we're building this show. Cause I worry, I worry that at the time I'm obsessing and enjoying this, essentially this hobby, like the podcast right now for me is like, I don't play golf, so I'm enjoying this podcast. Eventually it's a business and that's fine too, but I go, I probably could have done a special in those days that I was


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[Assistant] I probably could have written a movie instead, so I'm still a little bit like, oh, should I be doing this? Is this just a crazy? You definitely should be doing this. Do it.


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[Assistant] Wow, and you don't get squeamish about plugging it when you're on the road. Cause every comic has a podcast, don't you feel? For years I made jokes about how everyone has a podcast.


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[Assistant] Until this morning when I was like, I want to do one this week and I had to text a couple of friends and I, for, for, for the beginning, until now it was like friends and family, kind of whoever was around the house. And now I'm like, hmm, it might be cool and I get a big star once in a while and then that's when I start to get


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[Assistant] So you think it's okay to make it a ro-centric thing? Like, to me, if it's not about comedy, but it's about more worldly issues, wouldn't that bring in a bigger audience?


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[Assistant] I, doing it in my house, having Larry Charles in my house was such a thrill. Just like the, just the excitement of that. Dave Attell like came by and I love Dave and just having Dave like sitting in my


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[Assistant] Hey, Larry, do you want something to eat? Do you want to bring a buddy? You know, I kind of really love that part. Then you gotta embrace that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, you never think people are gonna be prepared and then, you know, Mark, I know my whole career and then he's like, there's this amazing interview and I'm like... Yeah.


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[Assistant] They want it. They want it. I had a good joke the other day about Peter Tork from The Monkeys. Yea. You know, he died and...


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[Assistant] I was a big fan in, you know, the monkey's revolutionized music. Unless you've ever heard of the Beatles, the Stones, Pink Floyd, Imagine Dragons, Nelly, Nelly!


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[Assistant] Thanks for being so supportive and thanks for inviting me on your podcast. What a treat.


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[Assistant] Maybe there's other things he can learn first. Like what? Like, I love you mommy. He says that. He says that. That's the first thing he said. That's the first thing.


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[Assistant] Dumping's great. I'm actually, it's funny, like.


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[Assistant] Last thing like, you know, I talk about, we're talking about my jail shows and roasting and working on the border and doing stuff that


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[Assistant] It really all comes back. It really is. It gave me the license to be silly.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company to provide free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


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[Assistant] Turn it down to headphones. Tom needs to turn that shit down to headphones.


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[Assistant] Personality champ, that's me. Water champ, that's me. Alright. I would like to thank everybody who came out to Mini Appletits, the Acme Comedy Club. What a great weekend that was.


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[Assistant] So the ride or die tour rolls right along May 10th and 11th. Now I will be in Tempe, Arizona at the Tempe Improv May 31st through June 1st Sperm Bank here at the Flappers Comedy Club June 20th.


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[Assistant] June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Cum, Washington DC at the DC Improv tickets are at Christina P online. Also, if you're new to me, you're new to the podcast, check out my Netflix specials. I have an hour called Mother Inferior under Christina P is my name there.


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[Assistant] And, uh, the degenerates, half hour when I was eight months pregnant with our second child. And I told filthy cum dick jokes, uh, eight months pregnant. Alright.


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[Assistant] T-shirts for the Ride or Die Tour available at Tom Shagura's merch page.


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[Assistant] I'm loving the water champ bottle. I have one at the house. I use it around the house. What's great about it is that it doesn't have a tinny taste the way a lot of water bottles often do. And I love the top, the sippy cup, the sippy top. I don't know what the fuck those are called either, but it's so easy.


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[Assistant] It's great to represent the show, take it to the work, to the office.


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[Assistant] Take it to the gym, take it outside. Take it on a hike? Mhm. Catch me outside.


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[Assistant] I'm crying. You got tears coming out of your eyes. Yea, yea, yea. Jesus. I was very upset this day. How did you find this one?


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[Assistant] I kind of do too actually. If I'm being honest, I don't not see a resemblance. Like if I were to gain a good other 50.


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[Assistant] Well, this is when I lived in, uhm, in Gloucestershire.


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[Assistant] What do you sound like when you do it? You sound like, uh, like a pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean. Like, uh, yeaah, like a fake pirate, like a fake British pirate.


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[Assistant] Hello ma- or should I- Crocodile Dundee. That's not a knife. That is a knife. I know.


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[Assistant] I know the difference, you don't. Cause you're doing your British accent like Crocodile Dundee. No I'm not. Do it again. Yeah, doesn't he sound like, that's not a knife, now there's a knife.


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[Assistant] Alright, mate. Alright, mate. It's a bit of a whiffle, isn't it?


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[Assistant] Bit of a wiffle is not a fucking phrase. Hey Bob's your uncle. In British town. Go on. Go on, Bob is your uncle. Go on.


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[Assistant] They're the worst at English accent. So I, I, I went dress shopping. You called yea? Yea? I said yea? But that's like, you know.


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[Assistant] Like, let's put it this way, in Oxfordshire, they don't say yeah at the end of sentences. It's a little more proper.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well that's more like, you know, Londoner. Isn't it? Cockney. Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Can you even believe that you did that? I think about you doing that and we went to BAM.


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[Assistant] I, I was shitting my pants for you. And Russell would go up there like, anyways, I was gonna, like, no.


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[Assistant] Cause I remember it was such a unique experience at Russell Peters show because you look down, you look at the audience and it, it was just a sea of yes. Yeah.


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[Assistant] My stepdad, put it that way, my stepdad and his family, and it was ra- I've never seen it!


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[Assistant] Very differently. I mean, I can imagine being, I don't even know, how far along in comedy were you at that point in your career?


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[Assistant] And I remember, I was shitting nervous for you.


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[Assistant] I remember that. He was so generous and kind. He flew both of us out, put us up in a hotel, fed us. I mean, and his wonderful brother Clayton and his wife. And it was just a wonderful trip. It was a wonderful trip. I'll always be grateful to Russell Peters because he kept us alive for a few years.


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[Assistant] Oh, I know. A Russell. Well yea, we'll have a guest come, I think, I don't know if it aired. Yea, it did, right? George Perez, has that aired? Yea, that was already. Yea, he had a great Russell, Peter Storey as well, very generous guy.


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[Assistant] Sweet guy, sweet family. So, we were at, uh, the country club, aka the mall.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I've decided as a married person, cause we've been together for 15 years,


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[Assistant] But I was, so we went, I went dress shopping with you and I was like, just go pick some stuff that you want to see me in. And of course you brought back the shortest, lowest cut, hoochie stuff. My tits were coming out of every dress. I was like, babe, I got these monster tits. They don't fit in like cute little girl.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're backed up. You are so nasty.


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[Assistant] What'd I say to you? I was like, when I go out tonight, you gotta jerk it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I go, I go, I'm gonna go out to the comedy store tonight. I can't make sweet marital loves to you tonight cause I'm working. Yeah. I said, when I'm gone, I want you to clean your pipes. Yeah. And what did you tell me you were gonna do with your pipe sauce?


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[Assistant] What chicks? That's what chicks like. Chicks don't like this kind of talk. Yeah they do. Listen, I'm damaged goods, that's why I tolerate this kind of talk.


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[Assistant] I got trauma, childhood issues, no normal woman, no normal woman would put up with this. No? No man!


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[Assistant] No, you got me, you got me at a vulnerable point. I was like, like a wounded, uh, what's the word, gazelle. You snatched me right up before I got into therapy, you know?


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[Assistant] Anyways, I taught our three year old son how to say I need to take a dump and you've not been happy with it.


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[Assistant] Good for him. Does what he wants. I like that. I like a little rebelliousness. It's good. Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I noticed, don't think I didn't notice this morning, I got out of the shower and it was fucking so cold in our room. Look how happy you are.


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[Assistant] Blue band, just put hashtag thermostatgate.


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[Assistant] I'm, I like a 76, that is where I am. And in the winter and the spring I like it to be 76. Actually all the, all times.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's a really nice kit. It is a really nice kit. From Manscaped. How about push-ups?


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[Assistant] Whoa. No, four hours. Four hours. Okay, that's some scratch.


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[Assistant] Now hold on, back it up, back it up. I can't imagine that your clean up is easy. Do you have a washlet, a bidet?


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[Assistant] You know what makes me laugh so much about you and Tommy and I say it together all the time? Is when you talk about, there's no more real


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[Assistant] I know, but knowing what we know about this business, like I, I would never put my children into show business. Who wants to have their kid working when they're four or five years old? It's not cool.


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[Assistant] But when you're from some sm- But they weren't, these people were from California- No, one was from Australia.


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[Assistant] And he was promising these girls, like, hey, if you fuck me, I'm gonna give you rolls, and this and that, and he never followed through. And we were like, that's so cruel, like, you're a multi-millionaire, you don't need to spit that game.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like, you could have just gotten your dick sucked just by being rich.


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[Assistant] I'd say this business is so wasteful. This is the only business where everything is done last minute and they waste a tremendous amount of money. It's just gone down the fucking toilet.


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[Assistant] Oh, we, we gotta, we need a llama for this thing tomorrow. Let's spend 50 grand. Let's find the Wrangler. Let's change the set. You know, when you're working on various projects, right, they don't have a call time for you until last fucking minute. Fly him in and then it's like, God, you're wasting money.


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[Assistant] No, well listen, that's where I draw the line, I- we don't drop f-bombs, I don't say shit or go fuck yourself, nothing like that.


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[Assistant] But I feel like dump is permissible. It's not really a bad word. It's, it's crass.


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[Assistant] You ever been to a Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin? You ever go to Germany in Berlin?


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[Assistant] But if you ever end up in Berlin, you gotta see the checkpoint, Charlie. It's the place where you could cross between East and West Berlin, cause they built a wall. That's what they fucking did after the end of the war.


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[Assistant] Fuck the wall, basically. Like, people would sneak in, they'd build compartments, secret compartments in trucks. They'd build secret compartments under cars and carriages and people still fucking snuck in. I mean, there's museums dedicated to it, so you can't stop anybody. No. It's never gonna fucking- No, you can't, you can't- Jump over and get shot. People are fucking-


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[Assistant] No, no, humans are so resilient, they'll just figure out a way to get through. My parents escaped from Hungary in 69 when the Russians were fighting with them.


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[Assistant] Of course, my parents figured out a way to escape from communist Hungary, where kids were ratting out their own parents to the KGB, and your fucking family would get taken away in the middle of the night and thrown into prison. And my parents were like, fuck this place, we're out of here.


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[Assistant] So, they, uh, they took the train, took a train to Yugoslavia.


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[Assistant] They got caught. They got deported, sent back. And instead of getting on the train and going back to Budapest, my parents were like, yeah, yeah, we'll go back. And they got off at the first stop. You know what I'm saying? So they took a train into Yugoslavia, they get caught at the border. The guy says, go back.


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[Assistant] But they don't, they got off at that first stop after and then they, uhm, pay a guy with the guineas to, they find a guy in Yugoslavia that can get them to Italy.


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[Assistant] And they said, uh, if you can show me a map of what the base looks like. He goes, of course, yeaah. Here it is, here's where the Russians do this, this is where the Russians do that.


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[Assistant] And uhm, I think because my dad helped the Americans and whatever, I don't know, somehow we got taken to Canada. We got passed to Canada.


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[Assistant] I thought you were going to call it the Polly and Vi tour. Well. Is that the next one?


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[Assistant] Chicago. Take over for me. You dork titties. Yes. Okay.


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[Assistant] Uh, thank you everybody who came out to the main room at the Comedy Store last week. We had such a great time. And for those of you who didn't come, go fuck yourself now. I'm just kidding. I have another...


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[Assistant] Round of LA shows. May 31st, you can see me. Uh, May 31st through June 1st. I just added that weekend. And Sperm Bank California at Flapper's Comedy Club.


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[Assistant] And, uh, also Denver, I'm coming two weeks.


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[Assistant] Yes, the Acne Comedy Club, and then May 10th and 11th.


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[Assistant] The B Arizona. The Tempe Improv, May 31st through June 2nd, like I mentioned, FlaPairs here in Sperm Bank. And then June 20th to 22nd. Washington Dick Cum at the Dick Cum Improv. Tickets at...


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[Assistant] Uh, Christina P online for all those ticket links. God bless you.


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[Assistant] Also, I like to repost a lot of your videos on The Gram. I'm at The Christina P. If you want to see stuff that we don't cover on this show. That's true. The Christina P. Alright. And you're Segura Tom.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing, it's confusing, cause he does come off as a really swell guy, and then he drops that bomb.


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[Assistant] Right, right, right. I see your point. Which one's more serial- serial-killery?


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[Assistant] Wow, sounds like these two are a volatile couple to begin with.


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[Assistant] Right. They do have all kinds of crazy shit like that in the bible though.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so this guy's just reading, he's just doing what he's told.


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[Assistant] Thanks for introducing that meme, that whole thing, cause now...


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[Assistant] In my comments and on my Twitter and stuff, it'll be like, uh, great show, Christine, you dumb bitch.


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[Assistant] Coming to see you in Denver, you stupid cunt. Like, oh, oh. Cook me some-


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[Assistant] But he still wants to hurt her, which is me, which is like the point of your spouse.


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[Assistant] Because that's really the key to a good marriage is when you want to destroy that other person, right? Of course. When you're fighting or just shaming them. That's how we do.


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[Assistant] There's Hey Hitler, that's a neat one, obviously, always. And now being called the dumb bitch is really special.


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[Assistant] Well, and people love change. If it's one thing we know about humans, it's they adapt really well to new things. And I'm just so surprised too how much love we've been getting on the set.


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[Assistant] Just reinforces that we've made good decisions and that the audience is on our side. That always feels good to read.


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[Assistant] McDonald's has discovered that the way to really advertise and reach people is to do it more embedded. Like remember we covered that thing, that story where the Asian kid took a picture of he and his friends and put it in the McDonald's and corporate kind of realized the way to sell now to the millennials is to make it more embedded and more organic. So that was the pitch too.


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[Assistant] McDonald's. Thank you, McDonald's. The neatest part is that


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[Assistant] I mean, we're trying to get them to redo this policy, but they did ask is a happy meal for a boy or a girl.


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[Assistant] We're gonna have to educate them on the non-binary stuff, but other than that, what toy did you get?


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[Assistant] Well, the neat thing about McDonald's as a sponsor is that they don't censor us.


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[Assistant] Yes. No, you at least had a mattress. Poor Trey.