[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you Kevin, so when you did SNL, you know how, I don't know, where does it hit you when you get nervous? Like what do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm always curious about, so Sunday is your one down day, and you just, you must just collapse on a Sunday, right? Like, do you even get out of bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, before I forget though, you have to tell us about Carson and what that was like. I feel like as comics we got gypped on the late night. We didn't get to do anything cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so envious of you though to have that, cause that really is like the, that was it. To get Carson and to have the couch and to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, I have such an appreciation for sitcom actors cause I've seen your show a few times and you're very funny. Thank you. I love it. I think it's such a, it's such a hard skill. So I have so much admiration for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've put on a wool cap and gloves.


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[Assistant] So, the back gate, you go through the back gate.


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[Assistant] I go, not you. No, like, you know, I, let's go to Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, probably not. Spittin' molotovs and all you other motherfuckers fallin' off. Rockin' denim and like, what's up with the jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We high and tight, you low and loose and got fucked up seams. In my pockets deep, trying to snag this cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free rent, you get a lease and a key. She goes, uh, like casual. Piss on me, beat me. I'm home right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're in my building, try it out. You want to fucking piss on me? Try it out. Serious replies only. Just fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over, uh, beyond St. Alicia Keys? By far. By far. Okay. Was there any female that you would put hotter than Young M.A.?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so now we're recording and uhm, we were just talking about how, uh, you push all the buttons. Oh, stop with that. And kind of ruin the settings and things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? Do you turn the knob? Like a kid would?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'll come in here after you sat here, and it's like, can't hear this mic, the soundboard doesn't work, and then I'll go to the board, buttons are pushed, uh, knobs are turned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was too, I made it too, too greasy. I know what it is, I know what it is, yeaah. I had it before and it was fine. I really think I just used too much. You think it was the, you don't think it's the elk. I didn't prep it right, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, my stomach was gurgling. It was like rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, that's just whatever. And I kind of like turned laying in bed and then I was like, oh, do I have to fart? And then my stomach was like, I wouldn't even think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he would, he told me how lean it was. So I was like, okay. I usually would put like a little bit, but I put a big chunk of butter in there and I remember looking at it as it was in this pan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't have any bread with it, so nothing soaks it up. You're just doing straight up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very quickly before I forget, we have a, our biggest sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In our store's history. And it ends at the end of today, the 9th. So if you're listening on the 8th, uh, night as it comes out or anytime on the 9th, it ends tonight. It's uh, merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. The code word is mommies. M-O-M-M-I-E-S. 20% off everything in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can always forget, but it is today, or through today, 20% off everything in the store. Things have sold out, I tried to have a couple things restocked quickly, but uhm, anyways, thank you for getting stuff through the store, and that's that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to open defecation. This is gonna really blow your mind. This guy isn't the only one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open defecation. What do you think, first of all, I mean look at this guy. What do you think is motivating him to go shit on the track?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just so silly to be doing that and think that you could get away with it multiple times. Cause the fact that he's repeatedly doing it, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't about, you're, this isn't about like, oh I gotta shit, you'd find a bathroom. This is what he's gonna say, probably the police, he's gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so far removed from having a bidet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my butt itched and I was scratching it hard, but not my butt hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't scratching my butthole. I was scratching my butt cheek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was telling you about how sometimes the crack, like the top of your crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Itchy, itchy. And I'm like, oh, there's no better feeling than going nail to skin and really grinding that crack itch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've never been into that. I won't even scratch my butthole over my underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how scared I am of scratching my butt. What I do, always, if my butt hole itches, is I go into a bathroom and I- No. Absolutely. And I go with toilet paper to scratch my butt hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I grind my teeth and I go in there. And look, sometimes it's really nice. You go in there and you take toilet paper and you scratch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't see anything, but there's times where you scratch your butthole with toilet paper and you see chocolate. There's leaky butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the biobaday. It's the best. Just go brrrr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or yea, well I like either one, but it is a sexual experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get that butthole edge done. Check out, they talked to a couple of the, uh, poor track girls who were ruined by this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think so, but I guess he gets his, uhm, you know, he gets his whole whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So check it out, we got this, uh, letter speaking of open defecating from Katrina in Thunder Bay, Ontario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, your claims that women would be off put by the idea of a poop pile, um, ergo it would discourage a group of young men from partaking in such an activity is absolute bullshit. My boyfriend recently heard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About the poo pile took it upon himself to build a prototype for the community in our back lane. I couldn't be any more proud of his contribution to our neighborhood. All I'm saying is I'm a woman, pronoun preference is her, and I'm a big fan of what he created. So, uh, obviously, um, there's, there's some photos here attached, clearly labeled, even has a branch as a backrest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. And of course it's a woman filmed it, she held the phone uh, vertically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the poo pile is real and people believe and I get a lot of I believe messages. Yeah. Yeah. I believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were fantastic guests. Such great guests, my goodness. The great hosts of Tiger Valley. Uhm, they were really fun. They came on and it was just, I don't know, it was just amazing. Anyways, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really lost my shit, particularly on one video, on the meth video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it has not stopped. We've actually watched that segment from the show a dozen times, uh, cause we enjoyed it so much. And so I threw out to Christina this week and I just wanted, maybe this is the first, you know, I wanted listener feedback on this. Sure. And I was really excited to get a four stroke gang shirt going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said, absolutely not, nobody would wear that, and I was like,


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[Assistant] You said everybody knew, would know that four stroke game.


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[Assistant] Well here's my question. What about, since you think four stroke gang is way too vile, what about four or less?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know something with like, four? Yeah, yeah, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On our show that I flew next to Kenyon Martin and I found his old, uh, you know what I'm saying clip. You know what is really crazy about, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About him in that clip of him saying it crazy. I couldn't find it online anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's the best one, by far. You know what I'm sayin'? But uhm, we saw him in the store and I pointed him out to you. I was like, oh, it's Kenyon Martin. You go, who's, who's that? I go, he's one of our all-time great, uh, you know what I'm sayin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is when we were like, we were really counting, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I was so fired up about it because I got really into his speech. You know, things kinda go and come and...


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[Assistant] You can bring a, you can bring a friend over. A stranger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's deciding to fuck me? Bring your friend. He can, he can move in too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will, uh, I'll post on my Instagram page this video and if you swipe to the right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of this video, I'll put his right next to it, so you can see mine, you can see his, and then give us your best Try It Out vid, and we'll share it. We'll post them, we'll share it on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, yea. Try it out, it's just, I don't know, it really has tickled me in such a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna, oh yea, poor production value. Yea, it's gotta look shittier. Right, mine looked too good, uhm, that's something we learned. Yea, the iPhone's too good. Maybe I'll do another one on the couch here, uhm, turn the lights down, do it that way, maybe I'll post that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what he's saying there. Oh, here, I should find it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very true. I was looking at this video and I was like, why don't I understand what he's saying here?


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[Assistant] I don't know what he's saying there. Someone is hearing it clearly and they're screaming right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then I drive over to Taco Bell and I get their breakfast item. Like breakfast tacos. Seven layer breakfast burrito. And then for lunch I go have a Big Mac. And fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then for dinner, I go back and I have like a quarter pounder with cheese. Right. And then I drive over to Taco Bell. Or chicken nuggets, you can mix it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just live with diarrhea. Like violent explosive diarrhea.


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[Assistant] You'd be in so much pain. You'd be in pain eating that Taco Bell McDonald's every day three times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you would build up a tolerance to it. Your body would start to adjust and be like, oh, you're a greasy motherfucker, huh? And then it would start processing it.


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[Assistant] One day you can get through, you can get through the double and up, I think. I mean, you're not gonna feel good at the end of the day, but I think you could figure out a way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a different way. I have something I really want to show you though, okay? Sure. Okay, here we go.


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[Assistant] But good job, you really are good at these. Your would you rather's are really, really fantastic. You got it, you got it.


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[Assistant] I mean, he's probably an accountant or something and people have appointments with him and making sure that their, you know, federal taxes are done correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he does close the blinds. Is that Mickey and Minnie on his shirt? I don't, yep.


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[Assistant] He pays her to do this. And this makes his day hard. Right. And, and, and paying. She's like, put yourself in your diaper and your pink shirt. And pay me and make a video and say that you're, uh, um, you're a good boy or whatever.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. You know uh, who's back? Same kind of lane.


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[Assistant] They should be here momentarily, right? Okay, yes. Yeah? Alright, we'll take a quick, well you won't, I always say it like there's gonna, like they're gonna hear a break. No, I'm not gonna fight. It's just gonna be about half a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Alright, the break that we took that you didn't hear is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're now joined by our good friend, uh, returning for the second time, third time, how many times?


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[Assistant] There's billboards all over LA right now, and it's funny because you drive by and it's uh, it's like, it says adult con. And it's like, you know, like Comic Con, but it's just like porno con. Oh, okay, but they can't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, basically no, they try to make it a little more grown up by saying adult grown up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the industry term for when the man doesn't pull out and shoot it on her. He finishes inside of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you never search alone?


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[Assistant] I wanna say, by the way, on some, on a news site, they were doing the most heavily traffic sites in the world, and that is a top ten site in the world. What? Pornhub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I poll you real quick on something? We discussed it. Do not jump in on this, okay? So, t-shirt idea. Tell me what comes to mind when I tell you this, okay? Ready? No, it's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to know what you think. Okay, it's just a t-shirt. Four stroke gang. What does that mean to you? Anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like, what's your handicap, how many, yeaah, par three, four strokes, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no neuropathy issues, meaning, uh, neuropathy is like a neurological thing where, uh, maybe like, um, fingers and feet have tingling, you know, like a neurological pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, in the very end he tells you that you can watch me this weekend if you're curious. Where?


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[Assistant] Now let's listen to how open he is to any type of man.


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[Assistant] We got an email. He's so nasty. He's nasty. He's really nasty. They're all nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife and I welcomed our first very own baby jeans in the world. Congratulations. Well, this experience has been amazing, more amazing than the Trans Canada Highway. I've got a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like if you really resent her, you go in her drawer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You send her a message like, do this again, this is what's gonna happen.


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[Assistant] There you go. We've been talking about scatting a lot, not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote? Yes. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's an amazing writer, and he, uhm, you can't, you can't summarize it in a simplistic way, because it's so, his writing is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No really, you can't just be like, I mean he eviscerates him in a very deep, meaningful, almost academic way, and it's not surface level stuff like, yo that's dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shows them in like different eras, right? So Michael was the person that this happened to in the last era and Kanye is this generation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also about how like, being whiter, it's not, not in the general sense you hear someone be like, that dude's being white. He's also saying that by,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making comments that have no repercussions, that that is in and of itself a white person's, uh, freedom. That you get to say something and you're like, I don't know, nothing's going to affect it. Like that's a white thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's making music though, this girl.


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[Assistant] Especially when you do have a level of success.


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[Assistant] Where you go like, it's obviously people are recognizing you're good at something, right? So why do you have to keep saying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you feel like the need to prove it if it's already...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's also, I mean, this is like a, whatever, a 30 second thing. And it's also pretty, I think, uh, clearly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was just a guy who got uhm, a Sprinter van. You've seen the Mercedes Sprinter van?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you end up spending like five times the cost of the van on the interior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Louis Vuitton will sponsor us, I'm open to this idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so crazy. And then Red Man's was the best where he, uh, he took you to, like, uh, an unfurnished apartment in Newark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about practice? Really? You're kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we reached out to him, we reached out to him, uh, and I would send him requests. I'd be like, will you sing, uh, Prince, diamonds and pearls? Um, and then I, yeah, I asked him to do, uh, you know, so I don't know, this is gonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then I asked him to do, uhm, Mariah Carey Emotions. And that has the crazy, uh, you know where she does that? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. Oh god. I'm so excited. So good. So on Mariah, just to like to hear what she does, she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody asked him to beatbox. Oh shit. Sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the one, my favorite is uhm, is either, I like when it's just a thin like Puerto Rican line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I want to ask you both, I think we've mentioned this before, do you remember not too long ago, George Bush, the older, the eldest, the first, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was in some hot water for... Touching a butt. Yes, and making like a lewd joke. Yeah, like a dirty old man joke. Yeah, dirty old man joke. As a dirty old man would. Now I'm a guy, so I feel like I have a bias, and my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing at the time, I'll say, was, I go, yeah, I mean, I think it's kind of harmless to be 92 and be like, my favorite magician is David Copperfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also went further on to say that, you know, if you're up in that age as a guy and, um, you're saying things like that, I don't think it's, you know, probably what everyone wants to hear, but I totally get it. And I feel like it's kind of excusable, but I know that that's like a male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That by the way is also what Jennifer Garner said about Ben Affleck after they split and he got that huge


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enormous back tattoo. And they go, uh, so your ex has a phoenix rising out of the ashes tattoo. What do you think? She goes, well, as we like to say back home, bless his heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got creeped on a lot by comics starting out at the store. Oh yea, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends in college, his uncle shot himself to kill himself and lived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is humorous. It is the same reason that a kid saying something like this. A curse word. It's because you interpret no threat level. No threat. In other words, an old guy being like, I'd like to suck on your tits. He's like, that guy's not gonna do it. No. You know what I mean? He has a cane. And you could also hold him down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same reason though, old Bush saying that joke and like, it's like, well yea, but he's not, he can't do anything. He's in a wheelchair, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, okay, I go, yeaah, uhm, yeaah, the cool, like, you know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we like, uh, to have access, you know, from the green room to the stage, he goes, I know, I'm a comic. And I go, alright. And then he'd go, uh, and then like the sound system, I go, yeaah, like what we like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this would be the thing to do. He was like, why do you keep saying that? I'm like, just to get to you. He goes, I'm designing it the way I want it. I was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a video of somebody who, at a university, no, not like that, they accidentally deleted their thesis from the computer. The people recording this learned this afterwards. So that's why it says something else, but this is what they hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I remember doing this by the way in 6th, 7th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having a paper at home, and the big thing was, you would get scared of the, uh, home computer almost overheating. Like, this thing's been on for a couple hours, man, you know? So I remember I wrote, and I think I hit save.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next day I went to my dad's office and used their computer at his office to- And you had to redo it? Yea, I had to redo that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what, uh, this, I mean, I've had that nightmare where, like, uhm, uh, Deleah, on his, I mean, when he taped his, his shot of his last one, uhm, used a wireless mic, and it went out. Worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I dunno. I know that he was like, pretty upset about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, if you're negotiating with someone, and you guys are going back and forth, and then you say, period motherfucker, that person knows you're not giving anymore. There's no more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you get the full story later that he just like, you know, threw something across the restaurant, told him he didn't have any money, told her to get fucked, tried to suck her tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's right. Sarah T, where can people see you coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the one in Connecticut? Is it the one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause the big thing I know about these things too is you want to get a star. The bigger the name, the better for the whole thing. So that is a huge


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People don't realize too, we're from the, uh, like, this is like a pretty much our OGs, like, class, in other words. Yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pink and a dirty poo. I'm a luckiest guy on the black ba-da-pa-pa-pa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, okay. So that was related to that. So I never- I need stories to share.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is interesting that people, like, porn stars are recognizable, like, to people's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't know, I think he just like googled like the name of the site and then it came up and I was like, alright, just that's far enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just was like, I don't know what to search for, and I'm afraid to see what you search for, so I don't want to know what you're like, ha. That's true, that scares me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't have an, I don't even know like the name. I mean, I think I've heard of like the word porn hub or something. Is that a name? So I don't know. I would probably have like written like Playboy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would imagine. I mean the bigger problem for me is that like I, I used to be fine with it and then it just became like I dated somebody that was so addicted to it that it made it so bad. That makes sense. That I just like completely went the opposite direction. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our sex life is so bad that like, I, like, this is not fun for me, and like, this is a problem, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it just became like this thing that I just didn't feel like I was a part of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, Sarah. Okay, I appreciate you warning me in advance as you probably like push me out of the way to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daughter didn't believe me, my wife, my girlfriend, neither of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how he has to clarify. At least he's being like, saying if you say yes, it's like consent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what else to do shirt wise, cause I feel like I never-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not. I don't, I don't really wear shoes. Yeah, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think he knows. I think he's just stream-of-consciousing it. That's right. You know? He's just like, they got lots of ideas and they're all coming to my head so fast, so it's not gonna be easy for me to get this on.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well there's math in both of these videos by the way. Yeah, just one has already been taken. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, a tried out guy is really nasty. Cause he definitely has like, didn't have all of his teeth for sure. That's why he's talking that weird. And I think he's, there's definitely like some sort of palsy happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, I think he should just put a diaper on himself and stroke it off and go in the diaper and then go away. Four strokes in his own die die.


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[Assistant] Dude, that guy's Twitter followers doubled. He was like, he said that so perfect. But yeaah, Kanye is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the white washing of a black man. Like he compares him to Michael Jackson and how like Michael like continually like here's this black role model for kids and then he's continually starts to get wider and wider and changes his nose and his features. He shows them in like different earphones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, trying to become wider and wider to become more powerful and it's really fucked up.


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[Assistant] It's like, it's so, uh, it's like Kanye, it's like.


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[Assistant] If you're just learning to make it rain, and you're like really excited about your money, you really take some time. But she just like toss that in.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know what this is, like, is this her, like, trying to break into the scene?


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[Assistant] Well, she's fucked up. See, that's why you should be glad that you're not having girls.


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[Assistant] Don't you feel like, even in the sense of Kanye, like people who say, I'm the best, I'm the best. It's like, remember that old uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was that, uh, I think it was a Chicago Bears player that was like, when, uh, when you're good, you tell everybody, when you're great, they tell you. Yeaah. And that's like, that's like what I, like, I feel like I'm always saying that to like Tony Hinchcliffe.


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[Assistant] I'm like, alright, calm down, like, just let people tell you, you know? And that's how it feels like when, when Kanye's like, I'm the best, I'm the greatest, and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would think that that would be super fucked up, like you shouldn't have to...


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[Assistant] What is your, like, what is your idea of all this stuff?


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[Assistant] It's like a very bizarre thing too, and like, rappers do that too, and it's like, you're making it rain, and like, or like, athletes when they first come into many, and it's like, maybe you should just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, remember the, uh, I think it was, um, uh, the Bieber roast when we wrote that joke for Martha Stewart. It was like, I don't know what that's called. I think it's African American rich.


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[Assistant] Like who is that for? That's for like a rapper with tons of kids?


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[Assistant] Like this Korean kid, but it literally, like he'll, he does, uhm,


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[Assistant] It sounds like every possible sound effect you could ever, like he'll have people dance to it, but then they'll like play ping pong and he does all the sounds and it's insane.


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[Assistant] I was just saying, I was comparing him to how good, he's almost to the level of Korean.


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[Assistant] I always like the, the, the chin beard, like a mustache, and then a separate beard, like there's a, there's a, there's an empty spark, right here on the sides for your drool to actually come down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm just, I've been really torn with the whole movement itself because I never really feel like a good feminist ever. I'm actually writing a TV show about it because I would rather march madness than march


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, especially with, like, the comedies, like, the way I grew up at the comedy store, where it's like, when guys were gross and rude to me, I'd just be like, go fuck yourself, get out of here. I'm not gonna, like, if somebody, like, they'd kiss me on the mouth, and I'd be like, get the fuck out of here, you don't get to do that, bye. And then I'd just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if you tell a guy no, and then he does it again, then there's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the first time could be just like them just like not reading the signs right. And my, like, that's how, what I've noticed. And I don't, I mean there's definitely so many scumbags out there, but I just feel like I never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, of course, because I was like the fresh me. And like, that was also when nobody was at the comedy store except for a bunch of degenerates, you know? And, you know, there was like that, like that guy that had like the, that tried to kill himself, like the hole in his face, do you remember that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The complete opposite of Damien, you know, which I knew Damien before she lost her arm, but like after she like never quit talking about it. And, but, and it was like that guy was the complete opposite where like he never-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like a shotgun is like real. He used a shotgun? Yeah, clearly. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Just drain it, and I made you breakfast so just call somebody and go on with your day. But like, but it is like, it is such a different, ugh, dining, I don't know how we got on, I'm sorry, I just completely sidetracked.


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[Assistant] But calling them out in the moment, in the moment because I think also like I remember certain moments where I would laugh because I was so uncomfortable and I didn't know what to say and then you get a little bit more confident in who you are and like what you're doing to where you could just be like, no, get the fuck out of here. You know better than that. What's wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I also like learned so much from you, I remember, because I remember one time you were telling me about, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he was like, the next comic, what, who is it? And I was like, they're like Sarah Tiana. And he's like, who? And I was like, it's Sarah Tiana. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister just got her PhD and like she, like must, she told me so much about like constantly like rechecking and rechecking.


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[Assistant] Imagine if you, like, taped your special two times and then they were like, we forgot to hit record. You'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those diner crowds, you just never know. That's how my aunt and uncle met. My, my real terrible redneck aunt and uncle. Like they met because, uh, my great uncle, my uncle JR was coming in there looking for his ex, for his wife. He had a gun on him because he was gonna kill her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then in my aunt was waiting tables and then that's how they met.


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[Assistant] No, you learn it once and then you go, nope, nope, not doing this. I always say like, alright, you wanna try it, then we'll put a frozen hot dog up your butt, and if you like it, then we can do it to me. But if you wanna feel like you're giving birth in reverse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had the creamsicle, or what is it called?


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[Assistant] All my tour dates are on saratiana.com. I think, well this, is this, I don't know when this- This will be out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'll be in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys this weekend. That's a great club. Great club. So much fun. You know, like, I remember the first time going to Utah, I was so nervous about what those crowds were gonna be like, and it's insanely great. They're so much fun.


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[Assistant] She's like such a cool chick and like people don't realize how, um, amazing of a, of a real person she is and like how she's like, I'm bringing everybody with me, you know? She's so much fun. Yeah, real real. So we just started working on that. So I'll do that. And then, uh, I think next month I'm in, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who else is gonna be on there? You know, cause like with Rob Lowe, we didn't, you know, we had no idea. That was to me was like the bad news bears of Rose where we were just like, I was like, oh my God, this is gonna be awful. And then it ended up being one of the greatest that I've ever written for. It was just like this group of people that were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because each of you thought that the other one hated me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really, yeah, he is really delightful. Literally it's called Wriggle's Fix and I just make fun of him the whole time for not being famous. I act like I'm the famous one. But it's very sports centered, but we ended up talking about ourselves. Yeah. That's how I.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they- It's Delia. Yeah, it's Delia, and it won't matter that I said that though, because it will still happen all the time. I say it, I make sure to say it- It's apostrophes are intimidating. I know, it messes, it really does. What is it from?


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[Assistant] No, it, uhm, it's Italian and they, they just say, I mean, people everyday, are you Chris Delala? They add an L. It's like, there's one fucking L.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, Delia. Yeah. I guess, Delia, I guess I could understand, but people fuck it up way worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember Josh, our manager would always just be like, I don't know, I remember he would just be like, are you doing it? You know, they really want you to do it. I'll tell them no. I'm like, dude, I'm not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, by the way though, me, as me by the way, he did, uh, I did, I was talking about him on my podcast, and they, apparently like, every like week, like somebody's like, dude, Chris Lee talked to you, like, in the business, people like from CAA are like, dude, have you heard this? He's like, look, I've heard it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it was probably, so what happened was I, I had started doing stand-up in 2005 and, uh, I, before that I was like, like a writer, like I had made money optioning scripts and shit. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. And, um, and I, I started doing stand-up and my manager at Three Arts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Name Stephanie Davis, who's great. She would always be like, you should do stand up. And I would be like, yeah, I've always wanted to do stand up. Like that's in my way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my, yeah, in my, ever since I was a kid I was like, the goal is to be, to stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 100%. But it was always like, I was always like, and I didn't know how dumb that was, this was then. But like, I was like, I'll get in, I'll get famous first. Which is like, everyone would hate, hate me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, try stand up. And I tried, I did stand up and I did it for a few months. And, cause I was, at this point, cause also my things that were getting optioned, none of it was getting made. So I was like, oh, this is- You were writing screenplays? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I had a movie, uh, Kevin Spacey was gonna produce it. What? Why?


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[Assistant] Uh, like you know how, like, you know, I go up so much, I do stand up so much, like when I'm focused on something, I'm so, like I would, I would literally sit and write for eight hours a day. Yeah, I know. I, I can't even fucking believe I did that. Do you still do this? Ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's all about stand up now, you know what I mean? Like if I'm pitching a show, like I'll develop the idea and shit, but I'm never like, I'm never like, I'm always like, oh I got a show tonight, you know, and I want to do this new joke, or develop this, or say this new thing, so it's more, like I'm obsessive. Put your energy into it. Yeah, exactly, my energy, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first of all, thanks. I feel like, uh, uhm,


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[Assistant] I feel like it, the thing, you know, I don't know, but I think that it's, it's, it's totally different. Like it's just, it's not, I think when you try to bring the same, like I always talk about this like, cause comedians will be like, cause they'll ask me about like social media, they'll be like, how did you get a following and shit? Like you can't like do the same tone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On different mediums, you know what I mean? Like, like if you're, yeah, if you're a comedian on stage doing standup, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not the same thing as being a character in a show on a sitcom, even though there's an audience there. And I always think about this like, like when you're shooting, especially for me because I'm real animated on stage, but like when I go and I do a show at the comedy store, uhm, I know there's people in the fucking back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So I can be as animated as I need to be. But like when I'm shooting a special, I always have it in the back of my mind that most people are gonna be watching this on their fucking TV. So I don't really change much, but like I know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the back of my head, I'm like, there will be close-ups. So like, you can't like, put, like I've seen comedians...


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[Assistant] I've seen comedians who I fucking love, I think they're some of the top comedians, and their specials just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the, that's the show, yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's really like, I mean, when you're doing a comedy, like, you do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're literally like, I don't know man, when I shot this movie called Flocka Dudes and, uh, it was with, like, all of these great comedians that are, you know, like, uh, Kumail, Hannibal, uh, I mean, Brett Gellman was in it, it was just, we were, we were crying, laughing, shooting the fucking movie. And, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you do like a drama like, you know, I mean, I was on the good doctor last year and it was just like, you don't have that, you know, every time you do, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking to this doctor about, like, I'm this doctor's neighbor and I'm like, ah, cool, yeah, so, how was work? It's like, yeah, it's like, if you're not, unless you're doing like a real, like the doctor role is cool. You know what I mean? Like, cause he's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feeds him artistically and he's playing this real role and he's got like, but like, when you're the neighbor in a drama?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And, and, and I, I did this, this movie. Imagine if that's every week too. That's what I said. I actually started doing it on stage. Like my, I started talking about how like my worst,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nightmare job is to be on like CSI and for eight seasons be rich as shit, but be that fucking guy where you're like, I'm way ahead of you to type in, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, the actual, that's hilarious. We were talking about this, me and you, we don't, cause Burt likes it, when people come up, we don't like it, right? I don't mean to speak for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, like, I have like, in my head I have like, like these rules where it's like, first of all, I think I was telling you, like, I don't know what it is with me, but I think, and I'm, this is not an exaggeration,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 8 or 9 out of 10 times they come up, they say something insulting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't realize it, and I understand, I understand, you know, we lose track because we're around people that we, uh, think are funny all the time, but they're like, oh, oh, this is the only, this is, I get to see a comedian I like, I never have seen that, right? So I get that they get the motor mouth thing, whatever you want to call it, but like, they'll be like, oh my god, like, like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, oh, dude, I always try to fucking, my friends fucking hate you, and I always, but I always stick up for you. Like that? And I'm, and I'm, and I'm, but I, and so if that happens,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not nice to you because you have to understand that what you just did. Yeah. Yeah, no, I agree. Yeah. So I say, did you just come up here to tell me a bunch of people don't like me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, nah, but I do. Yeah, exactly. No, I'm trying to say, oh man, and just say you're sorry. Then, at that point, just say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say, but that never happens. They're like, no, no, no, I just, I don't know what time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even like, but there's also like little ones that are like, that kind of irk me like, oh dude, my fucking brother's a huge fan, can I get a picture for him? Always, yea yea yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I had a woman come up to me once after a set at the comedy store. I still to this day don't know what she was getting at, but she said, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I was like, oh, what's up? And she was like, you're really funny. I was like, oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, so, so far, right, the compliments are going really well. Yeah. Uh, she says, uh, yeah, like, super real, super funny. And I was like, oh, thanks a lot. Like, also, that's the other thing. How many times do people say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. So uhm, so she was doing that, eh, she did it like twice, and then I said, oh, thanks a lot. And, and then she said, I mean, you know. And I said, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I said, uh, what, what, you know? And she said, uh, I mean, you know, you're not like...


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[Assistant] Amazingly funny. And I was like, and I couldn't believe it. And I said, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she said, no, no, no, no, no. You're funny. You're really funny, but you're not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she would do that, and I said, I don't know what you're, what, what? Where's this supposed to go? And then she, the way it ended was, I mean, you're not like Eddie Murphy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what she said, and I said, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine. I said, you're just being rude, I think? Yeah, why are you pointing this out? It was like, why are there levels? Just say the compliment. And then I, the weirdest one I ever had, cause it lasted too long and she kept, she kept not saying things and I was like, come on, spit it out. But man, one time I remember this guy came up to me outside of the comedy store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause, cause I, cause I, he came, he came up to me, this is his fucking kid, he was in his twenties, and he was like, hey man, dude, my friends fucking always talk shit about you, they don't think you're funny, but I think you're the fucking funniest. And I go like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you. Right in his fucking face. I go, fuck you bro. And he had his phone out to take a picture and I walked in. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because here's what it is, here's what, yeah, because, because they think that, they think that they're, they're saying like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a positive way of thinking about it. However, you have to understand that that's not how it's gonna come across. He's right though. I mean, you're actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That drives me nuts, because it's like, yo, they're, in my head, they're like, I got shit too. You know what I mean? Like, I'm good at my job. Like, oh, you're cool now? You just bought a ticket to see me and you left your ass off and now you're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I do get it, I do get like, sometimes like, the guys are like, like, 12, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no fucking way I'm better than that. I'm that good. However good you think that is, that's exactly the level. Dude, I just, my, one of my fates, and people are like, you shouldn't let it get to you. It's not even that it gets to me, and I'm not saying it never does, of course sometimes it does, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's so fun, dude. That's the whole thing. I think it comes across that you're having fun. Oh, okay, good, good, good. That's good to know. That's good to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what I love about it, dude. This is what I fucking love about it. Because, first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in the age of the internet, which is fucking bullshit, okay? Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy who's not even close to me, who I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should not be able to say anything to me. That's it. The rule. He's not in the room with me. I don't know him. He shouldn't be able to talk to me. Okay? We live in a world where everybody like that can talk to me. Okay? And, and that's in my head fucked up. Alright? So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the fact that that person can just, like dude, okay, and it's hard to do this without sounding like uh, pompous or whatever, but like if I, if, if, if when I was a kid, if I could reach out to like people that I like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would have blown my mind. Like I remember I met Jim Carrey once and I didn't wash my hands for like four days. But now people are just like, let me just tweet him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yeah, you suck it fucking in this movie. But so, so now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now, the fact that somebody can do that, okay, is, and the fact that I can tweet, uh, you know, whoever, uh, Tom Hardy, it's a luxury, it's a privilege, okay? So, if you're gonna be able to do that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, I'm just disgu- no one's gonna see, you know, he's gonna see this, fuck that. I'm retweeting it, now you get to see how my life is, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm retweeting this, and I'm giving you a fucking, I'm giving you a shot, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, and now everybody gets to talk shit to you! This is, oh dude, what the fuck, this is not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, here's the other thing. I'll go look at my name. I don't look at, I don't, just because I want to see the negative shit. So I'll just type in my name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look at my name because I was like, I can't wait to retweet some of these guys and like talk shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they don't think. They have like 36 followers and they're like, I'm just gonna say it, fuck it. And then, I love, I love to think of them going to sleep and then waking up and being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck? And like, having just replies, and then, cause I know, I know, they get, I know their heartbeats a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta be excited. When I saw that, I, I was like, I, I, I, like, yeaah, I was like so like, I almost was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, like this guy, like, what is he doing? So you had a very calm assessment of it. It was very calm, yea. It was very calm, but it was excited. In my, in my, in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, that was just the one. I knew, I, I knew, I was like, that's just what, I, I was like, that, this is what, this is what the, the joke is. Like, there's no, like, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, I didn't think it would do that. Right. How could anyone assume that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it, but yea, and then I, I, and then I went to bed, and then I woke up and it was like, you know, 200,000 likes and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The credit goes to how much he, people didn't like him. That was what people were retweeting. Not necessarily the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, he, he was like, he, like people didn't, people hated him before that Japan shit. And now there was a reason where it was like, Oh great. Cause I mean, he would go and annoy the shit out of people and be disrespectful and shit. He was like the, the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't know the guy. For all I know, he's in, in the, on his phone just like, oh this is funny, oh this is fun. Yeah, he's having a good time. Maybe he is, and if I met the guy and he was nice, fucking who cares? Like, I'm not, you know what I mean? Like, if you do something fucked up, which that was pretty fucked up what he did,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, maybe, maybe he genuinely doesn't, you know, he feels terrible and he's, who knows, maybe he's a fucking reformed good guy, I don't know. But, uh, but like I, you know, I, I fuck up, you fuck up. Yeah, of course. But it's like on Twitter, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I saw some people that retweeted it that I was like, oh wow, that's funny. I can't remember who, but like, uhm, you know what, I posted it on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I posted it on Instagram, the screenshot, and like, people like, like Steve, guy named Steve Urkel was like, wow, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never done that, but I don't think I would. I don't know. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want, you don't just want any guy to fuck your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or even guys that she isn't feeling, you know? It's like she wants...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is annoying as shit. Cause it's, it's like for, for views and all that. And, and that's, that is just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, talk about the internet. To me, it's like, that's what's wrong. It's like, that's another thing wrong with it. It's like, this Lil Tay shit or whatever the fuck. You've seen it? Lil Tay? Yea. Where she's like, nine years old. She's like, I'm nine years old, I got more money than you bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they are, I'm sure. But like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And then, and then, and then the, uhm, the, how about now, Catch Me Outside Girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I, like, you know, you know in ten years there's gonna be nobody, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's generous. Yeah, but I mean, like, okay, well, yeah, maybe you're right, but I mean, I hope so, but like, it's like, dude, you're, they're glorifying the idiocy of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] America, I guess, but it's like, it's so fucking weird, man, that somebody would look at that Cash Me Outside girl and be like, what else you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. But by the way, those people, unless her parents are rich, like, she's not making that much money. No, she can't. No, there's no fucking way. They're not. It doesn't, I, I like, what, what,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like these, the girls on Instagram that are like, have like 10 million followers that are like, where they're like, buy this tea or fucking coffee scrub body shit. It's like, they're, first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their followers are all men, so they can't sell shit to ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Well, and, and I get, and I get that if you're 12, who cares, just like, you wanna watch that shit, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I, I, I, obviously, but I mean, just imagine if you had that kid that was like, God, I wanna go see that girl, she's gonna be at the House of Blues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, no, I know, I know, I know. Fuck, that's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, planes could be crashing into the improv and you wouldn't notice. That's how hard he's killing. Right? So I remember they wanted me to do, and I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, it's not my favorite gig, but I like doing it because I know sometimes the students want, want, like, guys that they like and shit, and I, and I know sometimes they ask for me, but like the, uhm, the, uh, the Rose Bowl shows at the Improv, you ever do those? Uh-uh. Okay. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, they'll reach out sometimes, I guess, if a coach was, you know, the coach will be like, these are the comedians we want or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, so they asked me, and you know, if I'm in town, I'll do it, because you know, it's cool, the kids are, they're students, you know what I mean? So I go in and I'm like, who's on the line up? And I don't even really ask this all the time, but uh, I was like, who's on the line up? They're like Theo, Donnell,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few other guys, and I was like, great. I was like, uh, she was like, uhm, this is the lineup. She sends it, and it's gonna be, I just remember the last three was gonna be Theo, me, and then Donell. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, uh, oh cool, uh, I don't want to follow it down now, right? Cause that guy just murders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I won't, if, if the lineup were to come out and say, hey, uh, it's gonna be Donnell and then you, I wouldn't have said, can I go before Donnell? Because I, I, part of me is like, I wanna see if I can do it. Right. Do you know what I mean? Sure. So, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get there, and I'm, I arrive, and as I arrive, I'm walking into the improv, and I hear utter destruction on stage, okay? So I'm like, oh, this is a great crowd, because whoever's on is my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go up to, and by the way, Theo's fucking hilarious. I follow Theo all the time. I know how to do it. I don't follow Dono all the time. Okay. So I've never done it. So, so I'm, uh, I'm on after Theo and I go in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as the destruction is, I'm, I'm like, it's probably Theo on stage right now because I'm showing up almost at my spot time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As this is ha-ha-happening, the destruction out of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, showroom walks Theo, and he's like, uh, what's up? And I'm like, hey, what's up? I was like, uh, oh shit, man, they're running behind, huh? And he's like, nah, nah, Don Al's on. And I was like, oh shit, so he got here early? And he was like, nah. I was like, so you're going on next? He's like, nah, I went on. And I was like, uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, there's only one more comic and it's me, huh? And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can crush them, man. And I opened the door to the improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, every single, all men, 260 plus pounds, because they're a football team, they're all standing up. They're standing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all screaming, jumping up and down, shirts like this, and Don-El is singing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just like, it's like, it's like a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the joke of a black church, whatever it would be, right? He's like, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na. That's what he's doing. And they're fucking, people are on shoulders, they're fucking losing their minds. And I say, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, fuck it. I'm like, I haven't bombed in a while, fuck it. I'll just go bomb. Who gives a shit. But then like, you don't want these kids, you wanna like, make these kids happy, you know? So I was like, eh, I'll fucking go up. And Theo was like, oh, you know what? Open up with that, uh, thing about how, cause it was happening. I used to have a bit about how when black people laugh, they relocate. And then they get up and they move around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, I went up and that, that bit ended up doing, that bit did really well. And then, but then it like, it like was like, I was like, thank God I'm only doing 15 minutes. Cause I was like, there's no way I could sustain this. It was like, it was like, he murdered, he murdered. And it was just like petering out very slowly. And I was like, I had to do crowd work. I was doing crowd work. And, but man, I mean, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, thanks. I mean, I had to do that, but dude, I mean, I, I don't think I've, I, there's been maybe two or three times I've seen somebody crush that hard. I cannot believe what Dono Rowling does. Dono Rowlings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are some guys like that that are just like, I mean, Joey Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Failing is so funny, man. You know what I mean? Like, especially when you're gonna be the guy to fucking eat dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah dude, that, that actually makes me feel better. Because it's like, that's interesting, cause it's, cause your special is fucking, cause you're hilarious. Oh thank you. But to be that funny, and then to just have it not work, it makes me feel better like when it happens to me. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. There's no extra thing that we don't have that's up there so you can read there. Anything that's like a french fry that you think, you can get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay now, alright, so if you were in the Taco Bell at this point, what would you be doing? You would be doing nothing, right? Just watching? Nothing. Ear to ear smiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that, wow, she really handled it really well, the cashier. Yea, she really did. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think probably Taco Bell's better. Del Taco, I've probably had in my late 20s, in my early 20s, but uhm, I was, have you ever had a burger at Del Taco? Never, no. It was kind of good, but I haven't eaten fast food in, I mean I've eaten in and out, but besides that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, I honestly, here's what it is, I eat pretty clean until 11pm. And then I just, I'm hungry for comics, I gotta get something to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, yea, if I have nothing to do, yea. Like even, even this, I was like, even this, when you were like 11 o'clock Monday, I was like, oh good, this way I have a reason to get up. To get up, yea. Wow. Yea. Wow. Yea. But you have, you know, you have a young. Yea, oh, that's alright. Yea, that's alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Uhm, you know the scat man, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do anything and just have a fan base. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At what point in his life did, was he, he's old, is this his career? Was this just like, he was the guy, cause that makes sense in 1930.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. Well, okay. Uhm, let's put it this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uhm, I think that- Fuck this guy. This guy, I mean, I'm just trying to find the argument here, but this guy at least figured out something to do. That's it. You know? Uhm, the other guy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, I bet, I guarantee you, there's other ham bonists that are like, this guy fucking sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, this fucking guy. This guy, you are like, oh, I can see behind his face, he's like, maybe, you know, maybe he's crazy, but like, you're like, I feel for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I saw you, I saw from your thing you reposted. Oh really? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I was talking to my opener and he was like, uh, what the, what the fuck you think happened? And I, I like, I was like, oh, she's saying I need to use the bathroom. They're saying, no, you can't buy, you need to buy something. And then I just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, then, then, yeah. No, then it's, then it, yeah, she's, well, it's a crime no matter what, but, if, if I didn't know that, if it was just me doing it and say I need to use the bathroom, no, I'd be like, I would, I, my thought would be like, I should shit on their floor and then give them the business and we'll see what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So I, I could understand her, but if she was a known person, then no, yeah. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, try it out. Oh yes, no, I know about it. Yeah, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. I get a live studio audience. I'll do sitcom acting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, black guys are like the fuck fuck good. Yeah, try it out. I like, the try it out is really, I feel like honestly the guy was just winging it, but I think that getting to the try it out part earlier,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Cause I don't know how long that is, but if you got it to like a 35 second banger, that would just be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause somebody played on their other phone and was like, wait, that sounds like Yanny. Yeaah. But how funny would it be if he was talking and somebody was just like, oh yeaah, cause he's a Yanny and they're like, what, are you a fucking lunatic? Yeaah. Like, I said Laurel. That's insane. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how weird is like sexual desire and preference? Like you have no control over it. That's the craziest thing. It is. If you want to get fucked by a bunch of jail, people in jail, and that's what turns you on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh well, that's how the cards fell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm talking about something else, and it's like, what kind of guy fucked by a black guy? Oh, by that time, I'm like, it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can do it by yourself, right? You still do sometimes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Uhm, yeah, uhm, I don't know. And then I was like, I'm just gonna do it. And I was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, do people do it solo? And I was like, I knew Burr did it solo. And then I think like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I was like, cause I was like, I don't think I can do an hour talking, but then after like two episodes I was like, oh, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, sometimes nothing, but, but, but sometimes, um, I'll have like three or four things like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, like the Taco Bell thing, or if I saw it, or like, you know, or like, uh, the Met Gala, I'll talk about that happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get bits out of it too, which is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Almost lost track. Can I ask you a question?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My name is Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, gene-o-matic, gene stars. You got your mom glasses on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you gave me a really heavy veggie omelet. Yea. Scramble, I should say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you said you've been struggling more since. It's hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want me to put a little toy in there for you? I mean that could help. Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is my birthday, you're right. Happy born day, Tom. You're gonna be 49. Uhm, yeah, I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm on the cusp of that. I mean, I remember, I remember the 29. I remember getting, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I remember feeling like, wow, this actually is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's happening, but I then remember that when I officially hit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're lucky. If you're lucky, yea. It's so scary. I do think about I don't want to live super old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I shouldn't say that. It's not about the number. I don't want to live for a long time in poor health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, maybe the, maybe doing comedy, like actually being around laughing and stuff helps too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I think about that. Cause my parents are on that, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, your dad too, they're in that window right before it all falls apart. It's falling. They're in the last chapter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like you get to enjoy them, you know, I do. You do. You enjoy yours. For this last, uh, this last run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, we gotta get into this food thing we were gonna talk about. Why don't we open the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In keeping with the theme that we've observed, it's also a shirtless guy. He's also a shirtless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put this on the Dr. Drew checklist, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's an accurate name for the file. See you in Fremont.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's what I find interesting about this, is that it begins almost like a beg, you know, submissively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the tactic is by insulting the potential dominant person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, really beat the shit out of him. Oh my god. Because usually you don't see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna be submissive, be the shit out of me, and then, you bitch, you stupid bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? I also like the framing that he had like six feet above the head so you can see the ceiling really clearly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, two, jump. One, two, jump. One, two, jump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's a really good question. It's a really good...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Let's talk a dollar amount. I mean, mouthwise, whose mouth are you more into? His?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? They're both pretty disgusting. Pretty wretched. But see, I think the other guys are more disgusting human being overall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yea, no, he's been outdoors for a while. Outdoors for about 50, 60 years. But the other guy is, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if the other guy keeps, you know, toenail clippings and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really gross. He's especially disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, the piss on me, uh, beat me guy, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing looks good for sure on any of the people that we, our show policy is if it looks good, don't play it. But yeah, I mean this guy, this guy is in overdrive asking for his favor. The other guy is actually pretty chill about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We break barriers. Glass ceilings shatter on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shirtless criteria is huge here. It's really something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing about piss on me beat me guy is that he might just be super fucked up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the sense that he is chemically fucked up, what I'm saying with drugs. He might be able to behave normally, not high. When he's sober. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe not, no. Not like you or me because he's not normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and he's not in the circle of normal, but I'm saying we're seeing him only amped up on dust, and so this is a real heightened version of who he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he's the guy who, when he's waiting to pick up his coffee, goes, uhm, uh, what do you mind if you put a little extra cream in that? And everybody goes like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on man. And then he gets a little kick out of it and you're like, yeah, he just, he comes in here, he says stuff like that. You know, like a creep, but he's not really bothering anybody. He's a creep. He's a creep. He's a creeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this reminds me of? What? Uhm, we were watching that. Turkey. Andre the Giant documentary. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They interview, they interview a bunch of people. It's really good. It's a really good documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill Simmons, uhm, company did this. It's a really cool documentary. It shows all of, uh, like his whole story where he started in, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like really in depth look at his upbringing and how this, you know, he was like a normal size kid, which is, you know, you just don't picture him like that. And then he had this, uh, pituitary disorder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really turned into an actual verifiable...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm trying to find this, uh, let me see this. I had this photo, uhm, at your insistence actually, you, uh, this man appeared on screen, you go, we have to look at this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but it's just interesting facial hair. It's more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I don't understand what's going on because, so it connects, it's down here, then he shaves off the whole chin, but leaves a chin strap, just a little chin strap at the bottom. Nothing underneath that, thinned out, thins out the part between the top of the mustache and the nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is very odd. It's a very odd. Cause I'll tell you- Huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, first of all, don't dip it low here, okay? See how he dips it low? Exposes more of this cheek fat here. You want to cover that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you see this here definitely cover. Cause this just looks like you're in a period piece. There's no reason for this at all exposed. And then I would let this grow. You want to just cover some of this loose meat right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes guys with really huge faces too who have no, no sense, no semblance at all of a jawline will make a fake jawline. So they go like, this is where the jaw would be if you could see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's just a, it's like somebody drew, it's like a surgeon's about to perform and they draw like, here's where I'm going to make my incisions. That's what they draw. And they think that that's giving the illusion that you're seeing a jawline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it looks worse. This is just, this is just bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad work on, bad concept and bad execution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he should, first of all he should just, I'm saying, fill this out, don't dip this down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He should go like, he should go from here, across here, fill this in, fill this in completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of nationalities, by the way, all respect to Andre and his friend here, but you do need beard help, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you feeling inside? I just feel like it's my birthday. And uhm, I'm Stella, I'm getting my groove back. You're feeling your thing? Stuff like that? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is something that's totally in your wheelhouse with regard to Andre is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was purported to be an amazing farter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. That's what it says on his tombstone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that would be a contest. Yeaah. Andre vs. uh, King Ash Ripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty impressive. They're just saying, you know, it's one of the things. They talk about his drinking too, remember that? Yea, he's a real boozer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said, you know, it got, it got to a point of mythology about his drinking, but, but a couple people were like, well, you know, his standard, like his evening out began with 24 beers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would drink those, uh, they, uh, Rob Reiner said, you know, I'm Princess Bride. He's like, what'd you drink? He's like, I had like four bottles of wine, three bottles of cognac. And they're like, are you, are you drunk? And he was like, ready to go. What do you want to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of shooting, which is pretty funny. But to him, you know, a bottle of wine is like a glass of wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They showed him holding a beer and it looked like one of those mini cans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They showed, uh, he had like a size 22 ring, which I don't, I don't, I'm sure that's not even something that they had to, you know, everything is custom made for him and, uh, like a regular guy put three fingers in, like that's his ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, his finger itself had to be like a normal dong. A sausage, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it kind of makes me think though, that if it's anything proportionate to him, it would just damage most women, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Giant balls. What about that thrust power though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. I can't believe that guy could shit in a normal toilet, I'm imagining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and it's years ago, it's before like modern day, you know, accommodation. I mean, I had a lot of empathy as I know you did for his travel burdens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna give this a shout out because nothing is more exciting than free stuff. And I came home from this last week in Atlanta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The undefeated sent me shoes and hats. Thank you for that. Uhm, I forget the guy's name. Is it Jesse? I don't know his name. But uhm, the team at undefeated if you know anyone there. Thank you guys for sending that. I got coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From smoking aces in Lexington, somebody who was at my show, I spoke to him for a minute during the show, sent me coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I don't have a review yet because we haven't used it, but it's getting installed. And then I also wanted to shout out to, uhm, cause I don't remember if I, you know, with this schedule with the movie, it really fucked up when I remember if I said something, everything's like out of order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I did Rogan the other day, if you want to see that. I was on, uh, Joe's podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the, the Viceland show, if you wanna watch that, I'm on an episode of that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, uh, I mean a regular old-fashioned glaze, I can- I love an old-fashioned glaze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can do that. I like those. Or as I used to say, let me get a dozen classics. Classics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what we ended up saying. So we're like, we're having the, what's your favorite one? What if you're making them? Yes. And then from there it went to how many of those things you could eat? In other words, if you go like a Krispy Kreme fresh hot one, how many could you handle? And then we talked about how many you could eat before you felt sick, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I definitely, I've never done more than one or two of those hot, crispy cream ones, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've never actually stopped in and purchased them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never, I've had donut holes, you know, those are, not from there, from like a Dunkin' Donuts or something.


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[Assistant] But here's, wait, I think the chocolate donut holes are usually, I feel like those are cake, like we're talking about. And then that the...


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[Assistant] That the glazed ones might be that lighter. They're old fashioned.


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[Assistant] It might be just chocolate, like chocolate chocolate. In other words, the chocolate cake style one.


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[Assistant] With that stuff, I don't want something crazy, I just want, you know, I like powdered donut too, like an old school powdered donut.


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[Assistant] Just sitting alone and doing it? I think it's better to have competition.


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[Assistant] Are you serious? Well, I mean, he's super fat and I'm sure there's a challenge. Should we try to call him?


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[Assistant] Let me see if- Let's see if I'll do it. There's no way he wouldn't do this.


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[Assistant] I think the hole is the way to go, because it's more fun, you know, you get a bunch, you can, it does, yea.


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[Assistant] That's a good part about it too. Especially Mr. Exaggerator. So let's see.


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[Assistant] Okay, I think, so we're trying to max out here, right?


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think like eating cat, cause you don't, I also don't want to do like a, in a minute or something, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about, uhm, 12 minutes?


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[Assistant] 12 minutes, okay, how many, a minute, let's see, casually, uhm.


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[Assistant] No, he's not, he's gonna go, but that's the thing, it's almost like, which strategy do you want to use?


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[Assistant] I mean, do you think we could do 40 in 12 minutes? Oh my god, that's so many. It'd be so sick. You think so?


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, I think after two dozen, I would feel pretty sick. And then it's how much further can you push it?


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[Assistant] Yeah. So I mean, after 24, I'd be like, oof, that's a lot. I feel pretty gross.


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[Assistant] It's a lot of sugar, it's a lot of cake.


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[Assistant] No, that's so easy, that's not even a challenge. 20 of those is disgusting. But it's not a challenge though, I'm saying, I could just fly through, I know I could. Are you gonna train for this? No. No, just show up. Oh my god, 40. Let's say, I'll say 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, definitely if I save 40, he's gonna go, yeah. But I think- Well, let's let him say his number first.


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[Assistant] Well, we already said it, so... He's not gonna hear this. Oh, people are gonna tag him on it, for sure.


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[Assistant] I think if, I think I would challenge him, I would be like, do you think you can do 80? I'll just start with that. Just to see if he's like, of course, of course I could.


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[Assistant] That's not really that crazy of a number. It's almost like I'm, I'm predicting it based on how sick I want to feel. Cause in truth, I could, I could, I could eat more, but I already, I'm already picturing how sick I'm going to feel doing this. And I really just want him to see him eat even more. Like that's, that's the goal.


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[Assistant] Uh-uh. No. We go fresh doughnut.


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[Assistant] Those are not cool. No. Uh-uh.


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[Assistant] By the way, somebody, um, noticed they were watching back episodes. And when our son was, uh, baptized, it's episode 353 at the mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're talking about how your dad couldn't make it.


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[Assistant] And he went overseas. Where'd he go? Do you remember?


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[Assistant] No, I talk about it on stage, Hal. I didn't, I mean, my dad told me that he's never, ever pulled out.


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[Assistant] So you always just did it, and he was like, yeah. I'm like, how did you know that you wouldn't get pregnant? And he was like, I don't know. They would say...


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[Assistant] Hey mommies, I have a question that's been bugging me for a few days. I thought the two of you were the only ones who could help. If your arm was caught off at the shoulder, would you still need to wear a deodorant?


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[Assistant] Furthermore, would you, for appearances sake, shave the lack of armpit hair, or just rock the hairy shoulder mound? Thanks, Jean. Brett. P.S. piss on me, beat me. I don't give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think if you are cut off at the shoulder, you don't have to wear deodorant because there's no pit. There's no pit, yea. Yea, there's no, nothing covered, like there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just open air. It's like putting deodorant on your back or something.


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[Assistant] Then wash their hands with a used bar of soap. Then place their hands on another petri dish after incubating the dishes at my dad's lab.


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[Assistant] It was shown that the post-wash dishes contained more bacteria than the pre-wash dishes, thus demonstrating that bacteria thrives on soap bars. If you're running the bar across your ass, there's shit bacteria on that bar.


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[Assistant] Hope that helps. I gotta run. I have a homeless black thug coming over to fuck me in the ass. Regards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's really helpful. Thank you very much for that. Uhm, so, yeah, that is, uh, here it is. Where is it? No, I don't have it here. Fuck. Oh, here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's a great question, but it's uhm, it's very easy. I saw it said open defecation.


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[Assistant] Uh, the poo pile is in a backyard, and while that's outside- no, I just didn't consider-


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[Assistant] Open defecation, what she's talking about is people, the way I interpret it, it's like walking down the street, finding just a place that is not designated for it and doing it. We had X marks to spot, a ladder, a group, people watching, everybody's doing it, so it wasn't like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't the same as saying like, oh yeah, I just, I had to go and I was, uh, I was in front of a business. I just dropped trial and I took it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I thought so because, I mean, it was a des- first of all, it's an enclosed backyard with a fence, trees, uhm, you know, I just didn't think of that as open defecation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, unless there's a poo pile mark for you to poo on. And that's exactly what we did. And I'm gonna see my two poo pile comrades this weekend actually.


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[Assistant] I was one of the founders of the poo pile and one of probably the best poo-er in the whole group.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's an outdoor place to go, but it's not, I mean, I'm talking about people shitting on the side of the road, shitting into the ponds, shitting, you know, like going to the lake at the park and taking a shit there. That's what I interpret. This was like, hey, let's all do this together. Let's bond.


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[Assistant] No, not on top of a ladder. It's like a makeshift ladder on a tree. Okay?


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[Assistant] So, here is what would happen. Here's like a big tree, okay? And then nailed into the tree are pieces of wood that would act as a ladder. In other words, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] It's like a metal bar that we nailed into the tree.


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[Assistant] And then, and then you just poop through it into the poo pile there.


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[Assistant] We did this for a while, and a lot of people pooped off of it. A lot.


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[Assistant] We weren't thinking like that, we were thinking more like, bonding with our neighborhood, the group experience.


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[Assistant] I'm not. I'm not. I'm really not. I'm trying to help you. I'm really trying to help you.


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[Assistant] Scatting. Speaking of scat. Scatting, yeaah. Everyone was really, really into scatting and it's so cool.


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[Assistant] Because there's no instruments around, and you don't have the ability to play them. Right?


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[Assistant] This is, uh, another, check this out.


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[Assistant] Cool things, uh, little quick stop off in Studio G here. Oh shut up. Just a quick one.


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[Assistant] What is this right here? This old lady, polluting her street by parking.


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[Assistant] Oh. This is like an old lady losing her shit. You wanna see it? Yep. Okay.


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[Assistant] I have a really cool haircut. Yeah. She's, she's only missing that guy's beard because she has his haircut. Yeah. Go back to Africa. Wow. To lead with that. She just was like, yeah, go to Africa.


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[Assistant] I like him. I also like that get the shit out of here is not an expression.


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[Assistant] Cars parked in front of their house the same way, but you're allowed to.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I almost like that, uhm,


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[Assistant] It seems like her level of anger doesn't match her face entirely. Like, she's kinda flat, like the expression is kinda straight and she's like


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[Assistant] But she's not, you know what I mean? Like it's like not reading in her eyes.


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[Assistant] You think she's just old and crazy?


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[Assistant] Yeah, she flipped out actually at first just the anger started with who's parked in front of my house. Yeah. And then she had to take it up a notch. God, she's really angry though. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I was gonna say like 47, 48. No, she's way up.


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[Assistant] Somebody pointed out that they think that uhm, oh my god, I have a hilarious clip.


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[Assistant] Tell me if you think this is hilarious or not. Ready? Here we go. This is pretty good.


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[Assistant] So the cars, there's people listening, there's a car on a tow truck, like on the upper, like a double decker, and it starts to roll off, and the guy jumps to get out of the way, and he just jumps what? That's not that far. I mean, it's higher than you want to jump from.


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[Assistant] You take the fun out of a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Uh, so these guys are jumping out of a plane. Check this out.


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[Assistant] This guy, I don't know, he has to like improvise.


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[Assistant] I don't know why, his parachute's open, but something happens.


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[Assistant] Yea, me too. I hope he's alright.


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[Assistant] Oh man, I really thought you were gonna laugh harder at that. You might like this one, this is more your speed, okay? Oh fuck. Here.


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[Assistant] You wouldn't want to see the other guy jump off again or no?


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[Assistant] Yeah. All right. Somebody said, uh, I think it was maybe even Blue Band, that this guy made this video and that he reminds him of my dad. Oh. That this is like top dog.


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[Assistant] That was kinda top doggish right there. That was very top doggish. He likes a little general. Yeaah. He would say that. He'd be like, I don't know if I could lay still. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Closing song, oh it is the open defecation song. That's the song, so I guess you get to hear it in its entirety now. That's why it was here.


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[Assistant] Saw a guy shit downtown. Anytime you have the urge to shit, you would just drop trowel and just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just saw a guy shit downtown. Anytime you have the urge to shit, you would just drop trowel and just go.