[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never one time did Trump ever have to fake anything he's done. Not one time. He don't fake shit. Why is Biden faking he's in the White House? Oh, uhm, because he's not your president. Wake the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dumb can you be? Like, you're so dumb. You're the dumbest people I've ever met in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brown Vic lighter. Bought it today. Peeled off the sticker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about you, but I am hungover from all the election talk. I'm exhausted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I just wanna watch an episode of like the Kardashians. I just wanna be brainless for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think he's gonna throw a party, like a huge party, and trash the White House before he leaves?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how soon before Melania files for divorce? Is that happening now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I bet, but she's counting these 70 days down. She's probably like, we're out at Bear and I, we're back in New York, we're shopping again. Did you ever hear it? There's a great audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was one of her close confidants. Yeah, recorded the call. And she goes, she just goes, I do Christmas. I fucking hate Christmas. I don't want to decorate. I like her for that. I like her too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will give credit to Americans because they don't shit on her. For some reason, she's become...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exempt, and I think it's because we sympathize, everybody sympathizes with Melania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even that Anna Nicole Smith, everybody trashed her back in the day, but let me tell you something, you make an old man's life happy for the last year or two of his life. It's an exchange. You better pay that whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you should pay hos for sucking 90 year old beanbags. Yeaah. And, uh, licking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How scary was it to watch Biden run down that, that project runway? What do they call it? The runway? I was like, he's going to break his hip. Don't let him run. I was so scared for him running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what they finally figured out is that somebody finally gave Bitey a spray tan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because next to Trumpy, he looked so peaked and pale and finally Hollywood got a hold of him and made his skin tone look a little nicer on camera. He looked a lot better when he gave his victory speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think Rudy Giuliani did a version of that too, where he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you hear the Four Seasons foible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a weird time we live in. And then the best part is they, Pfizer announced that the vaccine


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so. I mean, look, politics aside, I think Trumpy was just, his personality was so hard to deal with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I don't, whatever. You know, policies aside, just stop tweeting, asshole! The tweets! And pushing foreign diplomats aside. Just the nuttiness. I don't want any more nuttiness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And leave him alone. And I will say, um, Tulik, we never, at least I never heard about the good things he did do while in office. I don't know. I just don't know. Cause CNN, I don't think they covered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so either, I think Kamala is going to be the president very soon, and I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone look, even Obama who started a young man is now an old guy. Here's what I predict. Winter's going to be tough with the flus and the COVID. We're going to get through this. I predict one year and then he dies. One year of stress on that, on his heart, on his body. Yeah, look at those. Yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say that they eased up on the raccoon eye spray tan. Somebody did advise him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that the, the, uh, the white's under. See, he looks a little better now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it still doesn't make sense to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so was this, was this like your first gay term? Like when you're like, you got a dick, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You have an exceptional dick broom, but you've always had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's an interesting question. Do you think it does, it must tickle penises. If you're a gay man blowing another man, your dick broom would really be, I think, hurting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we had a gay gentleman over last night for dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were talking about how gay men


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A gay fit man, like they go for like real, it's really sculptured, right? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, gay fit is a different level than straight guy fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like veins and everything. And then I asked him, I go, I asked him, I said, well, what do you guys find attractive? Like, what's sexy? It's not lingerie, you know? And he goes, uh, jockstraps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We like jockstraps. And I thought, oh, that, that does make sense. Cause, cause like, uh, what I imagine he likes the sweaty nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you please click on that native so I can get a better look?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Suspense? Suspensary. Jockstrap for scrotal slash testicle support. Cotton mesh jockstrap. NDS wear. I mean, the hole, I'm not so sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, okay, but then how come the seductive straps just around the hiney? Why not just make it a full back, a full flavor, full flavor, like a cotton panty with a thing in the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. That's more supportive than a fullback. I think so. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were also discussing, uhm, the first time you- That's so gay! You watched pornography, and the first time you saw a man sit on a woman's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but which way was he facing? Was he his back to her body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But was he facing- Away from her. Okay. Like reverse cowgirl. No, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, wait, hold on, like that, okay, see how that, was it like that or reverse count, like, the other way around? Where, do you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm listening. Draw it out for me. But it's obvious I'm not good at visualizing, so why can't you understand my limitations and draw it in a diagram? Draw it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fully see it. Thank you. Thank you for walking me through that. Do you want to do that with me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, do you have it, Native? I'm so proud of this, you guys, and we didn't share it last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I was really looking for inspiration, who I was gonna be for Halloween. There's so many people to choose from this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. And I chose my jeans. Now if that doesn't look like a dead ringer for my husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, I gotta take a shit. I gotta shit on chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I thought this was, the chest hair is really good, and that was a piece I purchased on Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies! I do not do that! I don't- I do do- my mouth does shape like that. I do side talky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know because it does, Tom, what it does do is it thwarts his expertise in butts, you know, and now I don't believe that he's an expert in butts because he's moving to tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very excited, and you're right, listen, give yourself time for the technology to work. Meaning, if you buy them early, then you can work out any possible glitches, right? It's smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's no glitches. I'm just saying that- Right, just so that you avoid any kind of hassle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. He's so sincere and he's so dedicated to the cause. He is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know what I like too, in parts of this clip, uhm, he says boobs and then he corrects himself and calls them tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he almost doesn't want to give off an air of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having any sort of human feelings, and then he even says...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gosh, you know, I don't want to, I don't want to see the depends because I don't want to feel bad for her because then I can't objectify her. So even like, she can't, he really is objectifying people to the max.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is cool, but this reminds me of guys you'd meet in your twenties, like usually they grow out of this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he hasn't matured in least. Yeah. Like he's, he's probably, I don't know, 40s or something, and he's still- I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right. Dude, this guy's my hero. And can I tell you something? I would marry him in a minute over the tits and ass guy. I'm, I'm, I love him. And I would like to see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I had to choose between the Ask Guy and him? You do, go ahead. Him, all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That he's frugal? He knows how to, uh, cut his own hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got an adorable accent, he's got a nice house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in, I'm all in. I'd have to get his teeth fixed, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much to get Nadav to cut his hair like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To do that haircut on Nadav on the live show, you do the bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the chair collector's attention to detail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his stick-it-to-iveness. Stick-it-to-it-iveness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think it's odd that as much as he prizes his chair collection that he just keeps them in his bedroom. I wish-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to see what this guy looks like. I'm still with the Australian guy with the, uh, the haircut. And I just like how he talks. I love his accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like their whole attitude is like they keep it real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe the audio. I think we need a recount. This is, I'm suing because this is not official fart audio. I don't believe this audio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, interesting. I thought they were lesbians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true because she's so used to it. The parent is so used to it. Now with you, every time you rip ass, I look immediately and I give you disgust immediately. You're right. That's a quicker response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I will say that this is a dangerous position to fart in. You are really taunting the gods here because I wouldn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Thomas, we've learned on YMH, sometimes the ladies are the ones with the biggest fart vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As is evidenced when we did have the fart mic up, uhm, there was a Twitter account that kept a tally and I was winning the fart mic. Yeah. Tally, which leads me to believe that's why it disappeared one day, cause I was in the lead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. And don't go in its habitat, you stupid bitch. That's how you die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, don't even fuck about shit. Also, dude, animals kill people. Remember Steve Irwin? He got killed by, what, a fucking dumb stingray? Like, they kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you messing with animals, bro? Don't fuck with anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm afraid of Bitsy sometimes, I wouldn't even mess with her. Yeah. Those teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're scary. They're bigger than you, they're stronger than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's be, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you will forget, Top Dog McDonald's has the best coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would go through the drive thru and it had to be hot and then somebody needs venti, iced coffee, extra ice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your voice dropped since these recordings. Your voice got deeper, didn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's been a while, she's had two children, she's had a whole new life essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what I love about OMG Maria is that she's always fired up. There's always something in her world that is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was from her being upset with a Starbucks employee because they couldn't figure out how to put the syrup in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she's very active too. Maria does, by the time we wake up around eight or nine AM, she's like, okay, I don't know what I want on a run. I ran 15 miles and then I swam in the ocean for, uh, I did like 10 miles there. I thought we played tennis for like two hours. Yeah, she does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she was about to give birth to her second kid, she called me and she goes, oh my god, I want to see the doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, doctor says I have to stop weightlifting because I've prolapsed my uterus. Which means that she was about to give, she was like weeks away from delivery and she was lifting weights so much that her uterus was coming out of her vagina. It was so heavy and so strained. They're like, you need to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I feel judgmental and you're like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're like, you know what though? This guy's really into his Reese Cups and I respect that. I'm really into Reese Cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I would argue this is the top of my Halloween candy list. This is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is dope. I love these fucking things. But is it Reese's or Reese's? I've been saying Reese's. Not Reese's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Reese's. No. Chris Larson, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reeses. But you could say reese cups. I say reese cups. No you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's cause you're too LA about it. The rest of America calls this a Reese Cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you know this, I am a sauce connoisseur and I find that food is basically just a vehicle for sauce. I mean, what would buffalo wings be without the buffalo? What would a french fry be without the catsup?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I love truff. It's spelled T R U F F. It comes in such fancy packaging. It arrived at our house and I thought, oh my gosh, what is this luxury item? Well, it's sauce. It's hot sauce mixed with truffle. So it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So beautiful, it's got a bright chili kick, a rich undercurrent of savory truffle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See for yourself why truff is the biggest hot sauce on Instagram and TikTok. Get 10% off site wide when you use the promo code mom at truff.com. That's 10% off everything, including white truff VIP box and truff variety pack just in time for the holidays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop at truff.com, that's t-r-u-f-f-f as in fantastic dot com and use promo code


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jean, this holiday season, mailing stuff is gonna be such a hassle. The post office is going to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mail and ship anything from the convenience of your home or office. And how great is it that they do UPS now? You just, at your computer you have your own little weight. You weigh the item.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you print out the postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere in the world you want to send it. You simply set up the pickup from the mail carrier. It really couldn't be simpler. I don't know why anybody is bothering with the post office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to mention it's a fraction of the cost of those expensive postage meters if you've ever seen one of those old school things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up for stamps.com instead. There's no risk with my promo code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were talking right before we started rolling how I've converted to pot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I'm a dilettante. I'm a newbie. I'm not good at it. That is just enough to chill me out and I have the raddest dreams. I like sort stuff out. I talk to my dead mom in my dreams. I'm having sex with ex-boyfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you should try LSD, cause that shit lasts for like, if you take a lot of it, you're high for almost a whole day. And there's speed in it, so you can't just fall asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so we're most importantly, have you ever sat on a woman's face and demanded that she eat your butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the question is, yeaah, how many of these, what is, what is a Benadryl, right? So you have to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What song would make you do that? Like, for me it's Brown Eyed Girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know what song makes me crazy that girls go crazy for? I will survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What song just makes you see red when you hear it? YMCA?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farted just had a baby there. So, you know, holes are loosened up, things aren't as tight for another year or two after you give birth. So that might explain the meatiness of said fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yana, that is incorrect. What happens sometimes is you can't hold a fart after you have children. Uhm, yeaah, they can be beefier, meatier. It's not, not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's a theory, you guys. You guys are frequent flyers, as am I, used to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think it has something to do with the altitude that, that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dog in the White House again. He's got two. I love it. I don't trust people who don't have dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't feel your pussy broom when you put your mouth on my stuff. I dunno, it doesn't work that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you mean during the love-making marital love act? Yeah, that's- that's lame as fuck. If a guy has his socks on, it's just nerdy. It's like, why are you wearing sneakers to bed, weirdo? Take it off. Yeah, I get- but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I know, I see it, it's aesthetic. Wait, do you notice a girl's feet though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's unattractive. It's so gross, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, my mother taught me. The minute I had armpit hair, she was like, now it's time to shave. And I started when I was like 9 or 10, I shaved my armpits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, once you start, you have to do it for your life. And I'm like, yeah, great. I don't want this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then your box, you learn when you have a boyfriend. You're like, I don't want like a crazy hairy, oh no, sorry, bathing suits. Cause you get pubes and then you want to wear your bathing suit and stuff. So you gotta start shaving for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's a fair exchange that guys should tie it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just stop negative thoughts by hearing a positive one. It doesn't work that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and, and this Joel Osteen has so much money already. Have you seen the stadiums? Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, how many people are in that venue? That's Garth level, no? Hire some fucking writers then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and he's, okay, he's worth more than 50 million dollars. Jesus. I mean, are you kidding? And he's definitely had work done on his face too. He looks crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me sick these guys. They're just leeching money from poor people who believe in them. So sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I do like positive affirmations though. Like what? Okay, so Louise Hay, she's dead, but she used to have these cards. You just buy cards, like positive sayings. It's just a way to like, if you do feel like shit, you could be like, okay, things are gonna get better. But it doesn't erase your bad feelings. It's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I would love that. Oh look, reviews. I highly recommend the Joel Cube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was meant to be stupid. Remember that when like some people eat to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. Wait, go up one more, native. I want to see the house rules. There you go. House rules. Let's see. No fussin', no cussin', and what does it say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no no, these are my favorite ones. Word of the day, focus. Fuck off, cause you're stupid. Like when they're aggressive like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy now, you know, one of the bridges over the 101 in Tarzana and he just puts a lawn chair there and now he lives there on the bridge and he sits over the freeway and he just watches cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, I can motivate myself to shit too. If I just feel like a little fart, I can be like, I can shit right now. But it wasn't even motivated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't like this guy's whole thing. It's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think my dad shares this philosophy too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, man, and I talked about this somewhere my mom's at, is that first of all, this fool was almost a hundred years old. I, fool was born in, was it 1930? Oh no, I am on your side. So yea, ba ba ba, everyone's like, toxic masculinity. The problem is, it's kind of fucking hot. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal, man, is that I think doing heroin's just very involved. Cause the problem is you have to keep doing heroin. You're always on the hunt and the grind of like getting the money to get the smack and finding, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said buzz off. Now that I hear it again, I heard buzz off, not fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's been great since Trump got, uh, since Biden won, is that now Anderson Cooper's letting loose, all 30 on CNN is letting loose and saying crazy shit, like Anderson called him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An obese turtle upside down, flailing in the sun. Like, that was pretty wild. They've been holding this shit for four years. It's great. It's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say I don't remember that one. That was good, Tom. Hey, I'm proud of you. You came to the dark side of the force. Welcome to Dark Talks. Your feet is looking pure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you have to be above 18, and you put on a white t-shirt, just have fun with it, and spray yourself down with water, and then send that video out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he is, and you know what, I will give him that, that is definitely factually inaccurate, that he cannot be a pedophile because he is above 18, he says above 18. So I apologize, King, you're absolutely right about that. However, it's still creepy. It's a little, it's a little, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is from the Ukraine. This is a Ukrainian TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's weird that she's eating plaster. Plaster? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so daffy. You're such a daffy. I mean this is wild. I mean maybe she has that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like a Russian flag? It's like, look how strong my teeth are. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do if some ho said that to you? What would you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, these people are just trying to go about their day at Walmart. They don't need your inspiration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? Of all the talkers I follow, I really like hers cause they're all random information like this. Like she'll tell you how to survive a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then you really, really mean it. You're like, I'ma fucking kill this motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, really? I'm like, yea man. You're fucking orange, dude. Take it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you, can, can you send Aston Martin with a driver to get me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you think I'd be as a stand up comedian? Oh boy. You think I could make it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that reaction of, you know, splashing on the surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what we're seeing right now is a feeding response. That is him moving towards being given food. That's not a predatory response. If it was a predatory where he's thinking that the prey might try to get away, he would move at least triple that speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, I mean it's a total blur of who and how many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Where, with me or? No. On the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, cause even, like, my very favorite bands, I wouldn't want to see a cover band, I wanna see the real thing. Right! Yeah. Super gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, same shit, different toilet, but, uh, I've got, uh, Oh, I'm sorry, can you hold on one second? I'm sorry. Hey, Case! When are you gonna bring me back my staple gun, man? I'm trying to finish a gazebo! Goddamn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not from the tacos. Nah, the tacos were like- They feel good, but they're not good on the way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause, uh, you guys told me that it's still up on Twitter, so I searched for her, and her name doesn't come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not seeing anything, but we did see a whole bunch of articles come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In today's uncertain times, life can feel overwhelming and leave you struggling for answers. But you can overcome life's challenges. Wake up every morning inspired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the simple push of a button, remove those negative thoughts with a new message to inspire your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't become who you were created to be, always depending on somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God being for me is more than the world being against me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If God kept doing everything for us, we wouldn't see the abundance all around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit on the, shit on the car. I'm gonna clean it up, I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This goes out to a very special queen of mine, above 18. Her name is Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear that you like my videos and I thank you for following my page. I try to do what I can to help you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the king loves his queens above 18.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was mourning my best friend, my six toe. I was missing him, so I kinda took a break. But I, uh, I'm back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are looking amazing. His chest hair looks cool. I love the videos. I thank you for the support. I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in a better place. I put a grave marker up for him and I talk to him every morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personal development. You can't measure personal development. The morons will eat it up like ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For this. Personal development. You can't measure personal development.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The morons will eat it up like ice cream. You can't fucking measure it. How do you measure personal development? You don't, you fucking retard!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why I love you. Personal development. You can't measure personal development. The morons will eat it up like ice cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't fucking measure it. How do you measure personal development? You don't, you fucking retard!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mama says it's okay to be a dirty girl. That's why I make mud pies. Didn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Burt goes, oh, Billy, why the fuck would you think I'd get naked? Why the fuck do you? And Billy's like, cuz you fucking do it, cuz. Cuz you do that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, how many Twitter followers does she have? She's pretty bad. She missed it. It's like 51,000. Well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you gave her some D, and she didn't fall right to sleep,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You my friend, are a non-essential worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, my friend, are a non-essential worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charo's attitude towards the male genitalia seemed a little less than positive. How does that make you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, but, but gay, gayness is, uh, it's biological, no? It's un, you can't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we were watching last night, The 90 Day Fiancé, and that guy, he was date Colty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so absurd. So there he is in this season now, and he's dating another Brazilian chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have to say, he looks a lot better. Colty is now working out in his mom's garage and becoming more of a man. Oh my god, is that him right there with the sunglasses? Thank god. He looks a lot better now. Colty needs all the help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, just like the gays. I'm your mom. You're my son. I like when he goes, it was a real kiss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I am still so reeling from excitement from the live show we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and I think the biggest part for me, I think it was twofold, it's that when it gave us all something to look forward to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think in this time where nobody can do anything, to have an event that like you and all the other people who love this show can tune into at the same time around the world. It was that excitement, like you said, of a live show where we're all here for one reason at the same time was really exciting. And also the uncensored part, like even playing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I allowed to say this? The intro song, there's a, right, there's danger in it, right, on YouTube because of the content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Music, or just say we can talk about, you know, incest and the gays and not be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is from uh, Daniel. Dear mommies, the recent live show left me and my fiance horrified. I could never imagine the darkness that is a human animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The entire show was watched with an arm's reach of a trash can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We turned away multiple times and cried for these quote, people and their despair. I threw up and cursed your names. This is without a doubt the best show on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top Dog and Mommy Tits were fantastically drunk and stoic in your attempt to have them hate you. We love the show and will always support your sick fucking humor. Sincerely, soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Rodriguez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This red thing, he built that and he attached a butt plug to that wooden stick and that's what we could throw the horseshoe onto that went into his rectum. I mean, really clever guy. Thank you, Pierce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was also shocked when he got naked in front of us, like I haven't seen another guy's dongle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you notice how hairless he was in real life? Oh my god. Smooth like a dolphin that one. Okay, this is Johan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Hitler, I want to let you know that I just finished watching a live episode and I really want to give Tommy Todd and Crystal and the rest of the crew a big thank you from the very bottom of my heart. There's literally no form of entertainment that gives me the excitement and glee that YMH provides. Never have I vomited while crying tears of joy except for that one time when I tried heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks again to everyone involved for making this very special moment happen. It could be nothing, it, it might be nothing more than a podcast, but it really means the world to me. And it sure helps me keeping it extremely high in type. It's gonna be me, Johan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Mike writes, I've never been more fucked up in my life from what I saw on Friday. I knew how fucked up the show already was, but seeing the video of the gentleman who pumped his balls to a grotesquely size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I finally have forgotten about it, like, oh, take it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an interesting theory. I'm always amazed at how skilled our government is in pulling the wool over our eyes. You know what I mean? Like they orchestrated this whole fake pandemic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Science isn't real. Science is changing all the time. We don't believe in science. Well yea, I mean they find out new shit every week. I mean there's different levels of, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy is a real dad. He's a mad dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like how he's like, looks like a fucking doily pussy, pussy faggot. Like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just gotta take your showers and wash your hands. You asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they should have stations that you can air out your cooch in your balls when it's hot. Wouldn't that be awesome if like they just did provide refrigerated areas for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After your vasectomy and everybody is waiting patiently to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your technique? Cause we woke up that morning and you were like, today's the day I'm going to crank out my first load. And I was like, good luck, lock the door so that the kids don't come in on you. And so I went downstairs and I made breakfast and I was like, he's jerking off right now. Like I knew that downstairs you were upstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I felt like Ed Asner because I wanted to hear a play-by-play and I wanted to know the whole, is that where it spits out of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's great is that what we were thinking like, wouldn't it be funny to watch pornography on the TV like people used to? People used to watch it because we have a TV right in front of our bed. That would be great if I walked in on you and you had it like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the same quantity. Yeah. Wow. Nothing is changing your seminal fluid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, cause I wanna give a loving assist, but I feel like you're still so tenderoni that I might, it might be better for you to do your own thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Dr. Drew and I were talking to the, this person left a voicemail and he was like, I have had the same girlfriend for years and I hate going down on her. Like she, I don't like going down on her. And Drew and I at the same time were like, should we say it at the same time? One, two, three, you're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she, she, he wasn't like, you know, she, she doesn't have normal smell or whatever. Yeah, that's different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a different story. But you've been together for years, you figure if she did have a smell you'd just be like, hey, are you okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing with your free time? I hope you're playing best fiends. I got hooked on this game like, I don't know, a year and a half ago, and I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on my phone, and it's good because it doesn't require like total focus focus focus, but it's enough of a challenge that it keeps me coming back for more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I like to play with my friends, so it's a good way to keep in contact with people when you're trying to maintain your social distance. There's over 100 million downloads, so everyone's already playing, or should be playing, and you don't want to miss out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, on best fiends. I love it. They update the game monthly with new levels and events so it never gets old. Uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't, it doesn't require the internet to play. So like, let's say you're waiting to do something and it doesn't use cell data. So you're not going to waste that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the character is adorable. I love the sounds. I love the different levels. It just is genuinely a fun time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best Fiends has thousands of levels already with new levels, events, and characters added every month. It's hours of fun right at your fingertips and you can even play offline. With over 100 million downloads and tons of 5-star reviews, Best Fiends is a must play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the r best fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Wait, who? Your German Nazi Guggeleike it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's true because I used to smoke a weed that was called heroin. Right. And I was like, oh, that's like a bad ass strain because it's so bad that it's called heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you could. You know what I really like is uhm, you know how hard it is to get that fired up just talking into a phone? Like the camera? Alone? You're just alone. I mean if you've ever made a video it's actually really hard to connect with this guy. He's so fired up. He's doing this shit alone in his room, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it probably is one of the easier habits to have, like, cause you can just go and buy your gas. I love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how he's like, uh, don't, uh, I can't breathe. That's a great PSA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fine, and you've got that new Saatva bed. Did you know, by the way, if you want to take a vacation,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so fucking crazy. Uhm, Hedonism 2 proudly opened its doors, uh, recently. If you guys are into, it's a clothing optional resort in Negril.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've actually visited one when I was on the Road Rules Real World Challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody looks like that and I got to walk around and see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go get your buffet and sit down and eat your chicken next to naked people. It's fucking so unsanitary. So I don't know how these people are gonna fight COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It's literally, I remember walking like, yea, there's people fucking in hot tubs, and then they have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can fuck by the pool, you can fuck on the dance floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do and I didn't, I saw you posted on the Grum yesterday and I did not ask you on purpose just so I could find out on the show with everyone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and I think that guy provides, he's kind of, he's your, uh, he's your whipping boy, but he's a legitimate whipping boy, so now you don't take it out on me, or anyone else, or the kids, or your dog, or whoever, or your dog, cause now this guy takes the fall.


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[Assistant] I wonder why, what my, cause I'm also drawn to it as well, which is why I love TikTok. I don't, I love the dark side of the forest. I'm fascinated endlessly by abnormal behavior, but I don't know what the deal is with me. Why, why do you think I like it so much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't like, I don't like being in real contact with it. Like that guy, I was like, boop, I'm done. Tom, you deal with this guy. I don't like it in my real life, but I love watching it and like, it makes me really laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like when you're doing stand up and you're in the middle of a joke and then a heckler fucks with you so then you have to fuck with the heckler and then you go back to the video and you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's a big deal. Fuckers, cunts, fucking dog cunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hate hecklers. They should die. Hey, can I read you this one email? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, apropos our dog racism conversation, Nadav, if you could pull up the image here. Oh, you have it. Okay. My name is Jeff from Illinois and I recently listened to your podcast where you discussed dog racism and which kind of dogs, breedest is what you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since she's pug slash Brussels mix and there she is. We were very excited when you guys said you had a Brussels on the show. Also when Tom approved of pugs as her family has had pugs most of her life. Don't worry. We are not dog racist. Oh, I had a pit bull named dodge. Thank you guys. I mean, look how cute this one is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm a Brutus too. I love Brussels and Pug. That's their pitbull. Hm, not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their muscle. I've never actually, I've never had a pitbull or really had much time with one, so I don't know, but they look fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see the first picture of again, of Trix or Gizmo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. I like the coloring on there too. It's got pug color, but a Brussels shape. It's really cute. Really cute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't wait to get like five more Brussels when our kids leave. Yeah. For college, I'm gonna get like five of them. I'm gonna name them all people's names though. Remember? We wanted to name one Tiffany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brandy, or what if we name them all like trashy girl names? You know? Crystal. Crystal. Shandy. Shandy, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now he's like, if I was gonna steal your tire, I wouldn't have brought my, like, so he snagged now kind of back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never in the middle east somewhere. Or even, it's like when you're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I wish there was an app where I could see who just got pulled over and you know it's that person so it's like satisfying, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, everybody's adjusting to this new normal, and I was really excited when I talked to stamps.com because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who wants to go, uh, you know, do the hassle of the post office? We've used to have stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com brings all the mailing and shipping services you need right to your computer, in the comfort of your own home or office, whether you're a small business sending invoices or an online seller shipping out products, or just working from home, which many of us are and you need to mail stuff. Stamps.com can handle it all with ease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, use your own computer. You print your postage 24-7. It's never closed. Why not? Any letter, any package. Right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter Mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's awesome. Speaking of fuck, we received your dick cage in the mail. Yeah, we left it at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, gosh, you guys can't handle a little pussy punch or a little shit in on McNuggets. I mean, big fucking deal. What are we, you know, Amish here? Puritans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is cra- I mean, like, this is really crazy because now we have to find another way to make our live show air. Like, this is nutty to me. And we gotta get moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is we need the technology to do this, uh, live. Anyways, that is the whole thing. It's crazy. This is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that was the whole point of starting the podcast was like, you don't want to be on TV because they censor you on TV right now or on the show and it's like, it's this constant layers of trying to just do the show you want to do and be proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well plus the clean up I would worry too. How do you clean up while you're driving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I spit. So disgusting, like, in a, and I'm assuming economy class bathroom. So, meaning that, like, just meaning that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. But just from saying that, it gets way more use than the first class cabin's restroom. So, you know how filthy? Yea, but I was in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why does a policeman have to know why he's cranking one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, don't you think at least he could have covered with a blanket?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, I woulda lied. I'd be like, what? I was changing. I, I just, I, I peed in my pant or whatever. I was peeing in this, I had to pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely, definitely, yeaah, yeaah, something's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also the football is such a homophobic sport, it's probably very powerful intimidation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's what happened when my friend's little brother was jerking off. Did I tell this story on the show? Jerked off in front of us. You just don't expect people doing it for real. And then you see the jizz and you're like, Oh, you weren't joking. Like that's a real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, that is a nice thing that you did, cause I know a lot of people jerk off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the thing is, don't forget, you have to clean yourself out. Pierce had to clean himself out. No, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She put a finger in your behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, did you know that I used to speak German in college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haha, yeaah. Danke. Yeah, danke. And now all I can say is, please don't drive so fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to brush up on my German and I do now using Babel. It's fantastic. It's available as an app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, or you can do it online and it syncs to all your devices, just 10 to 15 minutes a day. And it starts by teaching you words and phrases or refreshing what you already know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babbel is proven to get you speaking a language within weeks. Babbel designs their courses with real world conversation in mind, letting you learn everyday practical conversations that you will actually use, which is huge, right? Cause nothing's worse when you're learning a language and just rote memorization. So Babbel is so innovative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now when you purchase a three month subscription, Babble will give our listeners


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three additional months for free with promo code mom. That's three additional months free if you go to babble.com and use promo code mom on your three month subscription. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com promo code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top dog, I had a question, a follow up question from the live show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charo's attitude towards the male genitalia seemed little less than positive. How does that make you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just takes it. The one thing I did see that really made me laugh was on a cruise one time and your little sister and your dad, your dad was going in to kiss your little sister on the cheek and she's like, God, dad, your breath. And then like shoved a piece of gum and he's like, yeah, thank you. Like doesn't even flinch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but he has, he's a true dad in that he has dad mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes the news, which real dads love knowing what's going on in the world. That's what you do every morning. You wake up and you need to know the news, what's going on in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then because I'm pushing the P, the farts sneak out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you- I would kind of secretly really enjoy that though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women don't really like to fart while they're browning in public either. Like we get nervous and shy around each other. It's not common to let it loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My greatest fart, as everybody knows who's a fan of the show, was the Cincinnati fart that happened when I was five months pregnant, uh, in 2018 during your cousin Jeanette's wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was really cool. That was the coolest fart I ever had. What's your coolest fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As usual, I have my finger on the pulse of the world and people are angrier and angrier these days, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a real problem. All of his talks are in this vein of anger, rage. Oh, the last one was that he invented the remote controls and he's being controlled by the remote controls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In case you didn't know, they're in the pool. He's in the pool and he's saying happy birthday again. This is a continuation of Pool Mom where she gave them kisses last week and now this week they're saying happy birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Don't be a hater, Tom. All the girls like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you could take a little page out of this book and be romantic and write me a song every now and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, remember when we got fired by McDonald's, we had to give back 2.5 million dollars. We got fired from Morton's, and now we're getting fired from this. These people too, what they're called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. It's not fair at all. And look, McDonald's too. I mean, they should have done their vetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was Uncle Terry that pushed them over the limit. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every guy on the planet lacks organization. Whenever you go over to a guy's place, you know, whoever it may be, his apartment is always a fucking god damn colossal mess. It's always a fucking colossal mess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said shot to my main mommy gene. Yeah. He didn't say mom's house. Yeah, but that's a mom. Mommy gene. I'm thinking like a pair of mom jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? High-waisted, you know, loosing the hips. Makes you look like a shoebox for an ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he looking fat as a nigger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing, but not to my level. I said, well, to make it up, you send me a person. This is the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave me the possibilities of keep sinking. And you know, I told Tommy, I said, if you send a kid to a candy store for first time, and you tell him you can pick one candy, obviously the kid is going to go crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Can I hug you please?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't sign up, you have the heart, which is different than signing up. Signing up, leave it for the politics. They sign up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this is without drugs and I have no recollection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Nadaf, promise me. Hi, Nadaf!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, he sent me two funny bags, and funny as ha ha ha. Ha ha ha, laughing bags, tiny ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like we were talking before, I want officially here to promise me the one that we talked last night, the Chloe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina, you told me one is not enough. You need one for the church. You need one for the casino. And one for every day. How many makes that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy, don't get into my conversations with Christina. This is, this is a two way conversation. No, no, no. She respect you when you talk. No, she respect you when you talk. It's her turn. Tell me Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am sorry. I'm sorry that, you know, but thank you for inviting your father and me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I got a crooked nose that'll make you come so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or stop work on rows and bridges, so. He farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you were to say that you're only attracted to people with vaginas or people with penises, it really feels like you're reducing people just to their genitals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought we talked, I thought the talk that we had on Two Bears was the talk. Are you serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it did, but another thing that crossed my mind was Tom signing off on my personal time off. So I thought, he said take it whenever you want, and so I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was doing the thing that helps me recharge the most. Okay. Nature? It started there. It started with a drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I made a detour and I went to Morongo Casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was there for, for a couple days straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and so then, uh, I was like, oh, let's like do stuff that used to make me happy. And then I remembered how gambling didn't make me happy. But then once you get into it, it's kind of hard to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, I'm saying I planned it wrong. Oh. I, like, if anything, I came back at a deficit from when you last saw me. Great. And a lot, a lot of money is now gone. Oh my god. I got into stocks too, that's a kind of gambling, that's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not very good because I'm not a big reader. I don't like reading. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I do is I go on the internet, where degenerate gamblers have also found the stock market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I flip a coin on whether or not I should do it or not. I flipped wrong every time so far. And then there was the UFC 251 that came up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Maybe you're not good at that, you know? Yeah, but boys are fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like there's a feeling you get right before you think you're about to win. Uh, which is what I do it for. And then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and so I had that and then whoever I bet on got knocked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I mean- Yeah, I tell ya, I don't know if I could get an advance on, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just confirmed that pandas are from, are native to China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I laugh. I laugh at a lot. Second clip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, I don't even know if I've done something stupider than that. I like that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what you guys are registering as like cheerful jovial laughter is actually very intense nervous laughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's, that's, you guys don't hear fear in those chuckles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what is your reluctance for the adjustment? Cause look, hair grows back no matter how bad she fucks up. I might never walk again if you do it wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I like movement. I like being able to get myself to the bathroom without anyone's help. I really enjoy that. Okay, okay. I'm not gonna fucking parallel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not a great incentive for me. WHAT?! Cause look, all I get to be after this is just not broke, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, people that are looking for me from this last weekend want to do all three of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a, that's a super weird one. Really? Should we go to your talk? There's no like, dick balls and shit, Jamie's going, aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was a much younger person at that time, but, uh, let's see, a drive home from high school, I did it one time then. Okay. And then, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget where it went, but I remember not caring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. To Israel. To Israel. Did you shoot it in the toilet or no? Uhm, into some toilet paper, but I remember coming out of the bathroom and there was a line and all these orthodox people I think heard me doing what I was doing because they were very upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are, but not for 45 minutes when there's a line. Wait, what do you mean though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they heard that they were waiting for 45 minutes. Like, I was just in there first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, I think that's like how you and all your siblings are towards your parents in general. Like what seems like a tolerable tech check to me would get you guys piping at the top of your lungs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She flipped out exactly the same way I've seen you flip out on your parents. It's like, oh okay, so this is just like how they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so has anyone ever genuinely complimented your fart like a stranger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you fart out, and then the guy, like, two urinals over for me, cause there was the buffer urinal. He was like, dude, nice. Like, fuck yeah, it was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Storytime! Okay. He's a different guy here at Storytime. Yeah. You know what's pretty sad? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. So the guy said, yea, he said, you're pronouncing it wrong. He's a customs agent in Germany or something like that. He said, how do you, he's like, I'm Polish. How do you pronounce your last name? And I said, call a Jessic. And he said, no, no way. It's call a G-chick. Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well how do you say that? How do you say that? Megan. Megan. Megan. What do you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Megan, yeah, but that's a Canadian thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even hear the difference. Megan or Megan? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I think Megan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause, cause, so I posted, I think I, uh, maybe I posted the, the, the third one, like the one where I met up with them. And then I got a lot of DMs from people, or I guess they were tagging you or something and talking about how you were talking about it on the podcast. And so you guys did the same thing? Did you bring up his videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he gets like a lot of love. Every single video is, you know, hundreds of thousands of likes, which you don't see. Especially on short, like short form, four minute content like that. And millions of views. Millions. Yeah, yeah. Billions. He's got, on Facebook now he's got like three billion views or something, some crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many, so many layers of what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he DM'd me. After every single one, actually. After- After every one? After every single video he reached out, and I think the first two-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't reply because I'm an asshole and I'm just a dick. And I was like, I don't really, I'm also like just a pussy. I'm like, I don't really want to confront this guy. He was really nice in the DMs, but like maybe he's just doing that just so he can then tear me a new one later or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then after, and then, and then I was sitting there thinking about like, how can I do, how can I turn this into, I was gonna do another one. And I was like, three just seems like too many. How can I turn this into something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different, like something a little bit bigger. And so then I looked at my DM conversation with him and he had like just DM'd me for some reason and so I reached out to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we jumped on a zoom call and he didn't really get it at first. I was like, I want to do one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to write one for you and star in it and we'll do it together. And he was kind of like, I don't really get it. And then, um, I wrote it and he hate that he hated eventually he was like, yeah, I want to do more collabs. So this will be good. Like dip my toes into the YouTube collab. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I wrote the first one and he hated it. He was like, he was basically like, this isn't, this isn't going to work and these are the reasons why. And he was right. And he was definitely right. Yeah. I mean, this whole process was me being like, like learning, peeling back to what the fuck layers and learning why each one was there and why he was doing what he was doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the whole thing was like this weird, circular,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, this is just, he's just putting this on for the camera. And then when I met him, it was like, oh no, this is actually him. He's really this genuine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's- that's- that's definitely big of that guy. Yes. Cause it's one thing if you post something publicly, but it's another if it's like- Oh. Was never supposed to get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you got me why it was like two boxes of like very expensive treats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just was like sitting there like, such a, such a bad person. He's like, see what it's like to be nice, guys? Yea, exactly. Yea, he's teaching a lesson right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, that was so good. That was so good. So that's what you meant by we want to make our own and we want you to be in it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're obviously- I don't think there is outdoor. I mean, cliff diving? Cliff diving, yeaah. Yeaah, not a lot of cliff diving in Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only, I think if you donate for your whole like life, like a lot of, uh, uh, people graduate from there and then they start donating right away. Yeah. And then once they have kids, then Duke's like, well, you're clearly like in this for the long haul, but I think some rich people try to donate like late and hey, here's a, yeah, exactly. Here's one lump sum. Why don't you just go easy on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it. Yeaah. I mean, I was, I was full on with, yeaah, I mean, I went from Canadian, you know, I was like a skateboarder, snowboarder, diver, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] War like, I don't know, just ski jackets all the time, and then I moved to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Durham, North Carolina, when on the first day of school I called my dad, I said, everyone's wearing boat shoes. I don't understand. I've never seen these in my entire life. Never seen a pair of boat shoes ever. And Krogies on the sunglasses. And pastel shirts and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, like, koozies for your sunglass arms, so you can wear them around your neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I didn't either when I, when I first like found out it existed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was in a meet in Montreal and my coach at the time said, hey, the coach from, I was a senior in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a junior, maybe. I dunno, one of the two. And my coach at that time said the coach from Duke is here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should perform well because then Duke might recruit you and they're a really good school. And so I was like, cool, word. And I went back to my hotel room in Wikipedia, Duke. No way. And it was like, you know, it was like eighth, uh, largely considered the eighth best ranked school in the state. And I was like, oh, this is the real deal. And they have a basketball team. Holy shit. Had no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just super loud. Super loud. But like, the energy is so much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's really hard to get in the arena. Oh, it is? Yeah, it's like this whole thing about the ticketing process and like that's the whole, uh, where the term Cameron crazies came from. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we, every year students would line up outside the arena for like three months. Yeah. And then they would tent and they're just like homeless for three months and everyone gets it just to get tickets to the Duke Carolina game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, can I call ahead- can I order for pickup and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I just, I mean, I'm not a spicy food fan myself, but that, that, we had to try it because we were in Nashville doing a show and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting in the green room before the show, I've never had that painful of a poop in my entire life. Yeaah. This is right before going, like, I'm supposed to, you know, I'm nervous, I'm supposed to be feeling good, and I'm in the bathroom just shitting flames and I'm just, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never got physically harmed by my coach, but I had a Russian coach who was really mean. He used to verbally abuse us for sure. Really? Oh yea. What kind of shit was he saying? Just like, you're bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He never, never that intense, but he was, he was definitely mean. But he would do shit like he would make us stay really late and just keep doing our, the hard dives are called the optionals. That's, that's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which are like exhausting to do. And he would just make us do them over and over and over again until we were like just physically exhausted, mentally drained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say like I'm, yeah, diving it's weird, some people have it, like are gifted, and some people just have to just, you know, do the work and grind it out and I was one of those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I never like, I didn't know it existed before I started doing it. And when I was 10, my friend was like, you want to do this? Learn to dive class. And I was like, sounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then I tried it with him and I was like, oh, this is just like the trampoline, but it's going into water. This is way better. And then I just kept doing it and he quit like a year after because it was gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen it happen, I knew people who did it. I've seen some gnarly wipeouts, like one of the girls on my team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she slipped out of her tuck and just lost where she was in the air and she landed, she face planted after three flips so she's like moving forward, face planted on the water and she got out and her hairline was bleeding, her eyelids were bleeding, she had two giant black eyes for like two months. She had to go to the hospital, she had a concussion, it was wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any do- any other gainer. There's another gainer to end it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My high school, my high school, my 9th and 10th grade high school that had a curling rink in it and we curled for gym class, I swear to god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like diving was in general, like doing it at 6.30am when I had been up since 4, drinking at a frat mixer or whatever. I did that so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, they had to. I mean, we come in just reeking like alcohol, like bags under our eyes, like, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a, like an hour and a half, two hours. But that's the first one. Then we have another one. No. That same day. Really? Jesus. And then strength training afterwards sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't. I, my, I almost failed out my first couple years. I got, I took biology of dinosaurs, which was a class made for athletes. The whole fucking class was football and basketball players, and, and, and all you had to do- That doesn't seem like a real name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and I got a D. You got a D in the- For dinosaur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know, I was one of the lowest grades of the whole thing. Like I, everyone else got an A. Everyone else in the class. I mean we had like study groups where we had to like memorize these types of names. Is this kindergarten or college? I don't know. And I was one of the, was one of the only people that got a D in that class. So I'm serious when I said I really almost failed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I was like, I was doing, I was studying computer science, that was my major. And I, like all my friends were getting internships and I didn't get a single internship, like the whole college. I would just go home for the summer and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the lake and stuff like that. And was just like lazy. And then, so like senior year came and they were all like had jobs lined up and I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, well, the way I can get a job is because everyone wants an app right now and everyone's working on their own apps or whatever. I'll just make my own app and I'll make it a really simple idea just so I could like teach myself how to, how to do it. Cause like computer science in college is a lot of like just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was really lucky. I bet you did better than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I definitely did. Yeah. Cause I, the job was great and I got to move to California, which is like what I always wanted. So you took your money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I made like 120 grand, 60 grand cash, 60 grand in stock in the startup that I was working for, because they hired me in the process.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, and then I worked for the startup for two years and then eventually quit and then they went under. So the equity didn't turn into anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I for a long time prided myself on, on that and would edit every single one of my videos. Now I have a guy that I work with but he, he got the job because I posted a tweet that was like, hey, you know, I'm really looking for an editor and uhm, you know, send your, you know, whatever your, uh, whatever it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're real or something? You're real, yeaah, you're real, thanks. Send your reel to my email address, and he basically took it upon himself to make a video exactly in my style, and edited it exactly as I would have edited it, and sent it to me, and I was like, this is perfect, and hired him on the spot, and he's been just nailing it ever since. But it took me a long time to really find someone that, that could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it was, it was a while before it was substantial enough where I could like actually make it a full time job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it was cool for me because there was no editing. It was just, you know, you touch your thumb down on the screen and that was the whole creation process. And so like the making videos was a lot less like daunting and stuff. At that point it was like, I'm not going to buy a DSLR and teach myself this when I'm trying to be a programmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so this was like an easy way to start making comedy videos and then eventually I built an audience on there and then that went under. And so I had to start from scratch on YouTube. You started from scratch? Pretty much, like I was, I was like vlogging in the start of my videos were getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like 10,000 views, which is not enough to make it a full time thing. Right. And so I really had to like learn what style suited me, you know, like what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Style of editing and the length of content, like it's a whole different ball game. Mine was like 6 seconds every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've done it really well, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you guys were like, I mean, pioneers in like the video podcast world. That's just as much YouTubing as what we do I think. I think we've discovered that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Joe Rogan and you know, people that have been on doing video podcasts for a long time. That's like one of the main great things of the platform now is this long form podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It definitely is a lot easier to do a YouTube video than it is to do an open mic. Right. So you just get a lot more, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I just mean like the barrier, the barrier to entry. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. That's why you get so much like, here's what I got from Trader Joe's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're not gonna go to an open mic and say your grocery list. You will get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like people that like the first two versions. Right. Are very, you know, vocal about the fact that this one is not me. It's like, dude, you've changed, man, you've changed. It's like, but I am, I'm almost 30. Like I'm not gonna fucking just. Yeah, you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he would dive beautifully. Yeah, that's for sure. My dive would be a lot better than he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about diving is if you stop doing it, you lose it. Yeaah. Cause it's so unnatural that you lose that muscle memory like right away. Cause your whole intuition is for your body to protect your head. You're never supposed to like, you know, your body is like anti-land this way. You have to train yourself to do that. Oh right. And then if you don't do that, then you lose that. That's amazing. And it goes quickly. Yeaah. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, oh yeaah, totally. That would happen every single year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love it. I love it. It's such a pure, like I started probably four years ago now, and only really started taking it seriously like, probably two years ago. Like, and I'll do it like every single day. Oh, every day? Yeah, because like, wow, you kind of have to, if you want to get better as a 30 year old, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh yeah, it's like very, uh, soothing. Yeah. And it's also like the only thing in my life that I'm slowly getting better at that has no other, there's no social aspect to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just so, that's what I mean by pure, it's like I go out, I get a little bit better every single time. And you just don't, you don't do that anymore, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get like, you ever get like, you ever come across weird drug ones? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, yes, it's like this 95 year old grandma. And she's like, I'm so bored, I just want a boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, doctors on TikTok freak me out. Cause they all try to like educate, but in like a trendy way to people that are having sex all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's plastic surgeons that post the surgeries. I know. I'm so against it. Yeah, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, exactly. The comments. Amen, sister. Yeah. Like, why aren't these, why don't we see this on Instagram or Twitter or is it, are they just better at like hiding it or why is TikTok the one platform that literally everybody uses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, like it's harder to interpret what the fuck is, I mean, I don't know, Instagram is like a behemoth now. Imagine just trying to use Instagram for the first time now with all the different forms of posting there is. At least there's like one feed of videos. Maybe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny that the TikTok algorithm is like so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, this is the same thing, he doesn't know how it works. That's so bizarre watching this, what's the goal? Is he sending a DM or how do you accidentally post that publicly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's amazing. That's why I came on, actually. Yeah, thank you. I uhm, no, I was in summer camp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was probably like 10 or something like that and I, and I went horse riding cause that's like part of summer camp and my horse was in the one in the back and like it stayed to eat some shit and I'm like go, go, fuck, fucking go and then it like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kid has, is, he got kidnapped, I feel like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I do, like, the way I do my videos, most of them now, like individually on my channel, is I'll write, I'll like loosely script it, and then I'll, I'll just, I'll keep looking at the screen, but if I'm like reacting to something, it just looks like I'm watching whatever it is. Right. Or it looks like I'm glancing away for a second. But you're not like... No, I'm not like, you can't see my eyes moving like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how I met Kelsey. My girlfriend, yeah. Just like this. Just like this, yeah. Close to divine. Yeah, I need a girlfriend. She's like, he looks really sad. Hit him up. Somebody please be my girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mentally not. Like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I think TikTok is weird in how much it is a dating app. That's really, yes. Yeah, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much more than Instagram and Twitter. And Twitter is bad sometimes. Twitter, it's like, you get, you know, old dudes like publicly. Jack and their D. Jack, yea yea yea, pictures of it. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not, not anymore. No, but you used to. Cause I, I'm, you know, our relationship is very public and I feel like people know that we're deeply in love. So? So what? Yeah, yeah, okay. You gotta shoot your shot, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna just turn, I mean it's, it's just so open. Like it's like everything. I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, open as in like, it's so unashamed, unabashed, here's my whole shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a dude that you said, like, we saw some shit in the locker room. Cause our pool was at a public, or it wasn't a public gym, but it was like a membership gym or whatever, huge gym. And so- In college? In Calgary. Okay, oh in Calgary. In high school. So we would see some shit in the locker room. It's like 70 year old dudes just blow dryer to the taint, right?


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[Assistant] No, no, he wasn't in high school. Oh shit, alright. No, no, no, he was an older, an older gen. This guy fucks. Oh, I mean, yeaah. I mean, he does some with his dick, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Keep surfing, yea. I'm gonna try and keep making stuff as much as I can. We do, you know, we do music and we do a lot of shit so I'm just gonna keep trying to do as much shit as possible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I love like a new challenge. And I'm not the best actor or writer in the world, but I'd love to get better at those things.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would, yeah. Yeah, I would like to get a role one day. I've auditioned for about a thousand things and never gotten a single thing. Isn't it the best? It's amazing.


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[Assistant] That's so funny. It's like what, we just don't audition people? Cause it's the same thing for me, like the only real role I've ever had is Real Bros of Simi Valley and that's just cause Jimmy, I know, I'm friends with him. He hit you up? Yea, he hit me up, he's like, you wanna be in this? I was like, absolutely. Yea. And now it's season, season 3 just happened and it's been amazing. That's awesome.


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[Assistant] I did one, I think I almost got one role from an audition and then they hit me up, the producer or something like that and said, uh, oh the person we cast to be your love interest looks too young so we can't cast you anymore.


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[Assistant] This is awesome. As I said, I'm a huge fan of you guys, so thanks for having me.


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[Assistant] Anyways, I was just listening to the podcast a minute ago when you announced the soccer contest. And it's weirdly coincidental for me that this morning I discovered I had a bed bug infested. Oh fudge. So here's my infested bed frame and my crappy 10 year old mattress. I've just been trying to vacuum into all the nooks and crannies and put down diatomaceous earth. Uh, that's why I got my respirator here.


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[Assistant] Head on over to MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura for an all new merch lineup.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva, but more specifically.


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[Assistant] Their new mattress, the Solaire. We have one now that we sleep on.


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[Assistant] So fancy, so wonderful, so delicious. It is the ultimate sleeping experience. And when I told that to the marketing people at Saatva.


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[Assistant] I convinced them to go ahead and give us the landing


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[Assistant] To learn more, once again go to satvasatva.com slash the.


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[Assistant] Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening, Chomos. It's another episode of Your Mom's House Podcast. We're so happy to be back here with you inside Studio Gene, brought to you by Wrangler.


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[Assistant] And like, we didn't have to do much for them. It's just- No. I think it's the emotional expenditure. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That happens when you have guests, like I remember I've never been more, um, suicidal, homicidal or depressed as when the holidays, when all the people came to town. I just wanted them all to leave, you know, and it's not like I was.


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[Assistant] You know, morning, noon and night being like, here's the itinerary. It was just the emotional exhaustion of being like, my cousin, my siblings, my parents, my, you know, it's like every, are you alright? Do you have something to do? And then people start to go like, what are we going to eat next? You're like, I don't know. I mean, aren't you a grown up? What are you going to, what do you want to eat? Like it took so much out of me.


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[Assistant] Of course, I know, and then... I don't like conversations, I think. Then you start getting asked like rapid, where are the spoons? They're in the fucking drawer. Which drawer? Over there. Which drawer? Where's the garbage?


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[Assistant] Yeah, the ice is in our cabinet above the pots and pans.


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[Assistant] So the visit's fun. And also, uh, I forgot how I missed, I mean, I think this gives us a little bit of that socializing, but socializing as somebody who was never very social, it is kind of fun to socialize again, like to talk to somebody face to face. It was exciting.


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[Assistant] So I'd heard through a friend that there's an amazing bakery near our, near our house. And the guy, my friend told me and I go, no, no, he goes, you haven't been, he goes, it's croissants, but like, you gotta go and this time in the morning to get one. So I'm like, all right, I'll try one. You went with me, I think the first time. I did.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was a real fat weekend. So, he, uhm, he also told me that he makes certain special croissants. You gotta call ahead. So, I always get too big a eyes when it comes to like food and people coming to town. I always overdo it.


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[Assistant] I accidentally think we're in a hundred. Literally. Yea. I was like, well this way we can try all the different flavors. And you're like, but you got fifteen flavors. I was like yea, like five of each, it's fine.


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[Assistant] So that's what happened though. So when I called, I go, great, let me get five of this, five of this. And I forget, I'm not talking about cookies. They're croissants. So when I go to pick it up, it was the morning of the fourth. Um, he has them in a pizza box.


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[Assistant] Right, so, shows me, to me, it looks like goddamn, just like jewelry. I mean, he's just like, look at these. I was like, wow. And then we're walking around, I realize, I'm just walking around with a pizza box to walk home. In the morning, yea. Yea, it's early in the morning, it's like nine. And then people, everywhere, you realize it, it's alarming to people.


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[Assistant] To see someone with a pizza box that early in the morning cause they're like, you're getting pizza right now?


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[Assistant] And people were saying things, they're like, Jesus, man, you're starting early? Pizza?


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[Assistant] And one guy was like, that's what I'm talking about man. Let me get a slice. And then I felt like explaining it to everybody. I was like, you don't understand. These are croissants.


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[Assistant] And then people were like, oh, those look amazing. And then I would tell them the whole story. This is an Italian guy and he learned to make croissants and he makes them at his Italian place. But he also has other Italian food and they're like, okay, that's a lot more information than we needed. But they're fucking amazing.


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[Assistant] I've been a guest on a bunch of podcasts, uhm, I did a couple of Spanish podcasts, I did Steve-O, and everybody has led with, how about those balls in the ass guys? Everybody.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so then you're like, everyone's like, hey, so you, uh.


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[Assistant] You brought the balls and the ass out of people's attention.


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[Assistant] And the, uh, the big black cock sitting on the edge of the bed. That's kind of your wheelhouse? And I'm like, I think so.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Uh, you ready to start the show? Yes. Let's do it.


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[Assistant] Many words that get you cancelled.


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[Assistant] Uh, so that, if you're listening, that fart that you heard was, uh, live on the golf channel. Uhm, that was a guy teeing off and then ripping a fart as, as the, uh, the tee-off mic picked it up. And then you hear them talking about it and they're like, Jesus, man.


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[Assistant] There's nothing that feels better though, you know? Like an open air fart like that, that somebody else can, can also get a little whiff of. You're out there with your boys, you know? No. Tee off and you're like, oh.


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[Assistant] On that one too, you can tell that that felt good. Yeah. And like.


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[Assistant] You know, it, it had like some force behind it, but he didn't shit himself or anything. It's just, it's a win-win.


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[Assistant] Nadav just didn't show up. What the hell? We don't have to file missing persons report, uh, by law for 24 hours. Uhm, no one's been able to reach him via, uh, uh, text via phone call.


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[Assistant] Well I'm just saying, I'm not saying that he is yet, I'm just saying that he didn't answer phone calls, texts, emails, we didn't do a, whatever, a safety check, uh, cause we're not there yet, but you know, he could be missing, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Okay. Not here. Uhm, gosh, I hope, uh, everything's alright. So, maybe he's in the hospital.


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[Assistant] That's another one, that's another one we haven't done. We haven't called the hospitals. You're supposed to do that I think when you're, when someone's missing. You call the jails.


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[Assistant] If he, if he owed a debt that he couldn't pay and somebody...