[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, have you ever been stuck in an ATM behind someone that doesn't know what the fuck's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, well, we all have, but it can be, it can be nerve wracking. You know, when you keep hearing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're like, hey, you're either withdrawing or you're depositing. Like one of the two, right? What are you doing right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Wow. Wow. Wait, this is the climax here. Ready? I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uncomfortable, right? Yeaah. I mean, that's excessive. Yeaah. Do you wanna slap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's uhm, he's worked up. Mr. Singapore is. We have some people listening to Singapore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how, like, your friend's dad would describe it. Yea, I love it. I love it. If somebody was like, who are you talking about? Oh, there's this crazy fat kid running North Korea. But that's how our senator describes him on the news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we have, uh, mirror last week, there's just this masterful, uh, hi mommy thanks jeans that was done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, it hit up, that guy went back and doubled down on it. Yeah, I've, I've,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty, it's pretty impressive. I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, it's another, yeah, it's, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he outdid himself. It says, uh, he goes, Hi, Blue Band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for passing along my last video. Uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he had, he said, uh, honestly it was motivation to try and outdo myself. Uhm, I got a bunch of other classic gems in there, but I'll let you discover them yourself. The girl threw, uh, threw me a few curve balls, so I had more pauses than I hoped for. Uhm, thanks for considering me, Jean. Landon. But, second week in a row that he just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's inside the high mommy studios. It's like, yeah, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, uh, go on Ryan Sickler's YouTube, or if you type in, uh, either of our names and cut, man, it's on his, uh, YouTube page. It's broken down into like 10, 11 episodes. And, uh, it's a, we made that in 2005. It's bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That definitely threw her. Cause he's like, do you have two in you or three in you? And she's like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I see it in there. I mean, this was really well done. This lady definitely knows something's wrong. And he is definitely on their list of don't, like, maybe, if there's a lady working alone, have a guy also stand at the cash booth when this guy drives up, because something's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had four breakfast burritos, 250 calories. Sausages has 500 calories. How much is that? You do the math. You do the math. Right, right. Dude. Whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. There's the origin of that. QUIET!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, Jean, uh, you do, I will say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've moved a bunch. Thanks to you guys for doing that. We appreciate it as always. Uhm, again for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, those of you who don't know, we do a live video on Facebook at the end of every episode. So it's gonna, it's on our Facebook page. That is facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. Uh, we'll be live here in a moment and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeans tickets are at, uh, thousandranch.com. I'm at TomSegura.com. That dumb dog is staring and barking still. Um, and, uh, yeah. Thank you guys very much for listening to the show. We'll be back next week with another one. This is, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, who is this? Ramsey McQueen again, with his song, Cucumber. So uhm, I'm sure it's influenced by a Cucumba. But uh, that's it for today. Thanks Gene. Bye guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need the right snacks to keep them going. That's why I give my kids pretty bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuh, downloads. 375, there it is. Uhm, replace it. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when there was the uhm, remember the, when we had the old monitor here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably that your HDMI cable isn't plugged in all the way. I know that sounds silly, but you should try it. And then the next guy goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have this input? Do you have this output? Do you have this setting? It's not that. It's not like everyone tells you a different thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it doesn't make me upset. It ends up being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause no one can know without being here what the actual...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem is, you know, luckily we have the Hitler therapist to help us. So this guy, uhm, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just what he does. He's a- he's a- I like how these guys introduce themselves. I don't know if you saw this or not. This is how they introduce themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that accurate? And then I go, I actually can't dispute that. I don't know who the most fam- maybe they are the most famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, are they? I don't know, but they're the coolest. But you can claim to be. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're thinking with your brain, you just, it's just funny that like, I don't know if for the guy that is the most famous physical therapist on the internet, I don't know if you realize what you're doing when you put that on the internet. You're putting yourself saying Heil Hitler on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what's gonna come to that? Perfect GIF. Little Photoshop stuff's gonna start. Your, uh, your outfit's gonna change, first of all. If you're familiar with Swatzicas, but they're gonna be all over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was, I held that position that it wouldn't change that slight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like it might be from the, uh, that show that those two put on, the couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good one. For a while I've been suggesting a hairstylist, Christine, to stand out, to stand out from the rest. Right. Stand out from the crowd. Right. And I know that she's been developing this hour and, you know, working on getting an hour shot and I go, how about, how about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you land on, just imagine you're paging through. Who do I watch? Who do I watch? And this is the cover art. Tell me you're not clicking play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, how about, I'm electric. Okay. Look at that, look, picture that, right here it says I'm, and here it says, now for the people listening, we're looking at,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately it's photoshopped, I wish it were real, but it is the skullit style that I was encouraging you, where there's no hair on top, it's completely shaved, but on the sides you're full length.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have an expression that says, I got something to say. I have something interesting going on. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me what's wrong with standing out with something like this. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it depends on which friend you're talking about. Some of them just have different rel- Some of them, their wives will fucking kill them. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get emails from people that, oh, me and my, you know, my spouse are like you and this and that. So we have people that definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then what do we go with for, for Pici? Do we say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll also figure out, like it's gonna be an extra beat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody sent this, uh, this video, and it's a Hungarian guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We learned from my cousin who listened to I think a PBS thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the modern day depiction of Santa Claus, as in the fat guy in the red suit, was from a Coca-Cola ad campaign in 1938. Wow. So before that he had been depicted as thin and just, you know, normal, like whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do we explain that? He's traveling, dude. He's only in town today. And then he goes back to the North Pole, and then on the 24th...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most American kids are taught that he's out now. Delivering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, they look out in the sky, like, is he up there? Oh yea, you see him up there? He's gonna fly all over the world, so that's why you leave out the cookies and the milk, you do all that shit, and then he's supposed to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come down the chimney the night of Christmas Eve, so that when you wake up Christmas Day... The treats. The treats are there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. How long did you hold out for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who ruined it for me? I think... I don't remember. I really don't remember how it was ruined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes she did, and I go, I go, I saw him too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a thing too, because the older the kids get, you know, a young kid...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just, you know the kids passed out. But when you start to get a little older, you can fight those instincts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I remember crashing pretty hard. You know, I also remember actually when I finally knew what was up, having fun playing that game to my younger sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this I know is going to make you happy. So, this is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, in an apartment, I mean, how would you describe the toilet for our listeners?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or they said, well these people said they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't use the toilet for years. So why would you, why would you not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, how are yous gonna neglect to hold a toilet for years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a pretty much a military cut, cop cut, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you would definitely rather be a dick, I know. I think I would flush toilets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I feel like I'm one of the thinner guys out there right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you drink a lot of water? And I turned and I was like, yeah, it's pretty well known. And she goes, your muscles feel very hydrated. Right. I swear on our son's life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when he puts it down, it's down and I'm like, holy shit, man. He kicks off his day like that, just like his dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we are the shittiest show. You told me earlier that uhm, Hitler. The Hitler guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those two boars. And if you don't remember, the Evie Mike guy, this is him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chemistry and physics, I got big solid D's in. D's!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my physics teacher, no, chemistry, chemistry teacher, he liked me so much, like on a personal level, and he was just like, basically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is the best fart mic? Hey, this is a call to Rick, the EV mic guy. Which is the best fart mic? If we wanted to set up a couple of fart mics in our studio. Should we get a cardioid mic? Something with a variable D? Please, please let us know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I ask for something you go, how many head scratches am I going to get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you did, you should be more thankful. All you tell me, you go, I woke up today and there's a lot of knots in my hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really respect, I think I told you this, that your uncle went to learn a language. Yeaah. He went to learn Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You probably could have, uh, swallowed fucking cleaning solution, he would have been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because I, uhm, here's the thing. So, you know, when you date somebody,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From a culture you hadn't been exposed to before, you know, all your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, you introduce me to Hungarian traditions and obviously food is like the, you know, the big part of a culture. You know, if you start dating a Dominican person, they're going to cook specific meals and be like, this is what we eat. And same thing goes for anywhere, you know, German, uh, Peruvian, anything. So you, the, the big, you know, the flagship meal among Hungarians is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, basically chicken papadakash. That's, that's, you know, that's the signature dish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I was only exposed to yours. Now, I love yours. Yeah, mine's the best, come on. But I'm saying- It's the best. I didn't know what to expl-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She came over at like 20 or 30 or something right? So I was like this is going to be off the charts. It was dog shit. It was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the alarming thing to me was that even that they're split up, see sometimes, you know, people divorce or they split up and then they go, and how about that fucker's cooking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're having chicken paprikash, and your dad goes, you know who's, uh, because you were talking about your grandmother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, that comes about. He hates his mothers. You love, you love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes, I'll tell you who was good. Yeah. His ex. Disgusting. And I couldn't bite my tongue. Because it was one of the things that I've, I've held onto for like 10 years. Yeah. Was, you know, I mean, I told you obviously, but I, I felt comfortable because they've been divorced for a while now. I go, I gotta tell you, I didn't like that. And he was like, really? I was like, no, I didn't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was to the point where it stood out to me how bad her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I also wanted to go like, why are you acting like that was good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you've never had it, you know, somebody introduces you like, what is, what is going on? Yeah, it's a lot. First bite, because it's poor people food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tell them nothing on it but mustard so you know that they're making it specific to you. Oh, smart. And then I would just basically take the bun off and eat a piece of chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a, that's a move to make when you have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no options. In other words, you're like, I'm starving or there's nothing around here or it's late. That's how I would go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, all of it. I mean, one guy that worked at a fast food place told me never get anything but beef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's all about who weighs less, essentially January 2nd and 3rd is what we're going to call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first, yeaah, the first I fly back, I mean we could still win, but it's essentially going to be about January 2nd and 3rd. The reason we're doing back to back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff like that is so that like if you did a big weight cut on the second, you know, you'd have to continue it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you know, maybe stand on the way, on the scale, take a, take a picture, and then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How you doing? Good, uhm, hey I'm in the middle of something, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well, I've been, uh, I inspired him, he said, when I saw him. God! Uhm, so, oh, his dogs are really going at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a while now, like I haven't had cheat meals or even snacks. I mean, even you had those treats out on Christmas Eve, but you go try, I didn't even try it. You didn't try it. So I haven't had sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Starch, any like real carbohydrates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I get carbs from vegetables, but that's it. And uhm, no, I haven't had desserts, no treats, you know, none.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, I think the thing, it's not hard to like, cause once you're focused on it, you're like, yeah, I'm not having that. I think what I really want to have is a waffle. What do you get on the waffle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kind of a purist, you know, I like, I like a Belgian one, I like a thicker. Yea, me too. I like real maple syrup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I'll even do something where like I'll double up where I'll do the syrup and whipped cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'll do that too. I'm not the biggest fan of fruit on pancakes and waffles. Right. You know, some people think that's the big treat. To me, it's not that appealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, to remind some other people, let's see, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on, the stakes of the, of the bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I lose, I have to take Bertrand to the Super Bowl in Houston on February 5th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So I have to buy tickets, air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's expensive. Yeah, it's very expensive to go to. Um, so that'd be February 5th. And I also, if I lose, I have to shave my beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soccer. And they're like, you know, they're like the 96 Chicago Bulls. They are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Superstars. I decided I want to go see Barcelona play Paris. Uhm, in this like, I think it's one of the cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, Jeans. But uhm, that means he has to take me to Paris. Great. And buy tickets to the game, flight, hotel. So if he loses, he's got a lot more. And shave his beard too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You thought it was corporate, a corporate board set up a store that was like, yea, you're smart for shopping here, but all sales are final.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You thought it was like some, like a significant breakthrough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it was heartfelt, but I don't know if he said to the victim, I don't know if they want to hear a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't, by the way, just for people that are under, basically younger than me, uhm, if you didn't, if you're younger than 35, you probably have no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hits? But I mean, it wasn't, I was looking today, I go, I want to look at some of these, you know, George Michael songs. Freedom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Faith, I Want Your Sex, I mean those, like those songs right there, each were number one hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's the thing, we can't play them because YouTube...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll pull up the lyrics. Careless Whisper lyrics. Here we go. And, okay. I'll put this earpiece in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're trying to pay tribute, if you don't mind. God, so rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wake me up before you go go. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, even at the height of this stuff, uh, like, I want your sex, faith. That's when he was a member of the tight jeans and the leather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had the real, the groomed short stubble. Stubbly. And I still remember women would lose their mind. Dude, I had a crush on him. Yea, my sister and Maria and her friends thought, saw hot, saw, saw, saw, saw hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, at that age, my only idea...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of gay, had to be a super effeminate like, hellooo. Right. So I couldn't comprehend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They loved him. We all loved him. And so. And then his video had all the naked models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, because it used to be every fucking dad would play that in the car and be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always made the very important distinction many, many years ago. Thank you. That you know and you know I'm saying are very different. Totally different. But you would agree that as far as you know, this guy's killing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, as far as you know, counters go, I feel like this guy is near the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right now, by the way, he's going back and forth, he's doing, feel me, you know what I mean? Right. Sometimes just, nah, I mean, but then he does, you feel me, I'm talking about, you know what I mean? Right. Which is the trifecta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without a doubt, this is the most complex. Not one of. It's layered, it's multi-faceted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That absolutely blew my mind. We made a shirt about it. There was a, you know what I'm talking about, you feel me, you know what I mean, shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an entertaining expert. Listen to that. You guys know what we're looking for, right? Vocal fry is when you do that. It's actually forced. You don't do it naturally, but some people get so accustomed to talking like that, that they uhm, you know, they talk like it all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck off! Asshole! She's so dumb. She's the dumbest dog I've ever been around. Yes. And literally, I'm holding our son or I'm carrying a box and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She sees you and then steps in front of you. In front of your feet. So I trip on her, I step on her. I'm always like, what the fuck are you doing? And she's like, huh? It's unnerving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they sent us this. Who are these about us? Who are these two ass clowns exactly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are playing the video of an interview conducted by someone else. An interview neither of them could ever hope to conduct themselves. Even if they somehow did, both would sit there silent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That features talking about other people who have accomplished, seen, and done more than they could ever hope to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The entire premise of this video is ridiculous and I'm annoyed for even clicking on it. Steven Seagal could or could not be the biggest joke on the planet, but no matter what planet he is on, these two are far below him. It's not even funny. Try getting a real show, bozos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch. Yeah. Do you talked about, uh, oh, you talked about Black Santa, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already addressed this. Oh, so you already read that. Okay, okay. Uhm, would you, would you want to do the would you rather they sent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, cowboys, not diarrhea, is the most racist thing Mommy C has ever said when talking about Indians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you were saying, yeah. It's, uh, go ahead. So wait, why am I racist? Because that was the way you, you know, specify to which Indian you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, we gotta wrap this up. What is your, uhm, thought on the skull?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm in Orlando, Florida for New Year's Eve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, then Cannes Ass Shitty for the first week in January. Then I'm in Oxnard, Cox Hard at Level 5.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when the big, the big leg of my tour begins, uh, go to TomSegura.com slash tour. And, um, some shows have sold out and we're not adding even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, get your tickets. A bunch of those are gonna sell out. We've added a third show in Boston at the Wilbur. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a third show in Mommy Apple Tits, Mini Apple Tits. And uhm, there's a third, is there a third Chicago? No, there's a second Chicago, there's a second Royal Oak, there's a second Portland, Oregon. The first one sold out and that's in April. So, you gotta hop on those tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just check out the page, thompscigaro.com, thompscigaro.com slash tour. Um, that's it jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't address this. I wanted to address this. Uh, this is heartfelt. This really bothered me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Round of glass and shirts that went out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it upset me greatly because we've worked really hard to establish a, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a consistency where you know when you get a shirt from us that is a certain level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, not only do I want to apologize to people who got, everybody that has ordered one now, it's already been changed. It's been upgraded to a better shirt. We started working with a new company. They've done a fantastic job, so I'm not throwing them under the bus. There was just a, a miscommunication.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we place this order, because basically what happens is you get a design.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you know, you email, yeah, yeah, yeah, order this quantity, do this, do that. The previous stock of shirts had sold out. They sent me a thing. Do you want the same price for this? And in that we lost that it would be a quality difference. So it's super bummed me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I wanna make it up to people that got the lower quality shirt. And I've been trying to figure out a way to do it. One thing that I thought of was if you send an email


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and maybe I'll set up a new email address for it, you know, so it's just for that. I'll do that. I'll set up a new email address for the next episode and I'll tell you what it is. And if you have one of those first glass and shirts that's a Gildan shirt,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you're gonna send an email to this address. It'll just confirm that you ordered one and it was sent to you. And then I'm gonna send you a small makeup freebie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, again, a hundred apologies, uh, if you've ordered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you're ordering now it was restocked at a higher quality shirt and I apologize and we will make it up to you and we won't do anything like that again. There's that. Uhm, are you ready to go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] YourMomsHousePodcast.com. Click on it. Shop around. Check it out. Come see a show. We love you. Uh, we'll see you next week. Bye, Jeans. Bye, Mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Like you're all, I don't wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farts. Farts. I call you Tina. Mommy, we call each other Mommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you help me out? Yes. Please don't. Sure, Brent. That's a great question and thanks so much for asking. I want to know. Variable D is an exclusive ED feature found on our RE16, RE20, RE27ND, and RE320 premium mics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bristol stool chart words. Yeah. Bristol, Bristol. It's the same Bristol by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And does that come with mustard? If there's mustard on it, you just wipe it off, just wipe down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, look, there's a lot of crazy date changes coming up. I don't know if some of you know this or not, there's already been some changes to the oddball schedule, so instead of listing them all, I'll just tell you, if you want to come see me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do stand up in your town, go to TomSegura.com. There are some for sure, my own shows are definitely going down. Louisville, San Francisco, Manfransisco, Judor Titties. Uhm, what's the other one that I'm doing? Phil Herobdelfia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chartlet, North Carolina. They're all at TomSagura.com. West Palm Beach, I'm doing the improv in December. Uhm, and yes, we added-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, of course they're registered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course all the episodes, links to the YouTube videos of it. Uhm, we are now on Google Play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're there. Uh, yourmomshousepodcast.com also has clips. A lot of people always ask us, where'd you find a clip of that? Go to the clips page. You can see that. You can see the free ringtones. If you want to download free ringtones, we have a bunch up. We're going to add more. So it's free. It's on us. Ringtones from the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we have the store, don't forget to check out the store, the double pipe classic, the bike shirt, bird is fat, the Cincinnati fart poster, they're all there in the store. And of course, if you're on yourmomshousepodcast.com, please consider shopping through our Amazon banner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do all the shopping you would normally do on Amazon, but you go through our portal and it helps out the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of hard fucking core shit all over and we actually put up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's really funny. Actually I think uhm, if it's not up yet, it will be up. We're gonna upload that segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of good stuff. So check out patreon.com, put that shit down. Patreon.com slash mom. Put the shit down. Uhm, are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, I gotta put him back in his cage. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go get something you go, wouldn't it be crazy if you said you were going to the bar, but you were really just going to meet someone? I was like, what? Like a guy in the bushes? And you're like, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she thought it was so funny. I was like, only as much. She was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, no, trap a rabbit just to snap his neck. No, because at first I go, I go, I wish I had a 22 so I could, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, 22 is not much more than that. That's my point. So, I go to 22 and I was like, I wish I had a rock right now. Then I started to just laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Are you with me? Or are you with me? Anyways, so my grandma, we opened with a clip of her doing her thing and stuff like that. And uhm, here she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is great. Uhm, so this is like, cause this is always a thing you didn't know, but do you remember when you first found out as a kid, not even as a kid, I think it's a little bit older, you hear about sex lines?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that she checks in with the call, like so they patch her in and then calls are routed to her, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, you know what, that was so traumatizing when you told me that, that I've actually blocked it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what's, tell me like the real mechanics of it though. Is it on the floor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the middle of the night, and they keep it under the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just, you know what she looks like to me, she just looks like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and I apologize for this offense. It's like a white trash piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White trash, yeaah. This lady has got, if she were an actor, she'd get an award. That's right. She's really looking like it right now. For white trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, so she can play submissive. Yeaah. Or she can be a dom. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It probably depends on the call, right, right away. She knows if it's from this number or that line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she's like, your asshole's your pussy, and like, I'm gonna fuck you in it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you coming yet? Hold on. Are you coming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So people understand it's a, it's a toy, it's a sex toy. It's like a fleshlight, but it's actually sculpted to look like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a woman's ass and then half a thigh, so it's creepy. Right, and you see her badge. And it's called, I think it's called like, Fuck My Ass. Right. Fuck Me Silly or something. Yeaah, and then they made a black one, so their answer is Fuck My Big Black Ass. And the guy was like, the difference between the Fuck My Ass and the Fuck My Big Black Ass is just color tone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That him and I do it together. Okay, it's not. We're tag teaming it. Which hole you want, pal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Fleshlo. There probably, yes, there probably are movies that share that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, you know, movies where they share women and they'll dump inside together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I picture a lot of guys kind of waiting behind us a lot of times, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably not good that we've called her such trash and shit. Ah, she looks like a pretty nice lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It appears that, uhm, the legend is back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The most talented actor of all time, who we thought retired, is officially back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was retired for good. I mean, he made quite a statement, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have Mac alert going off that's like, cause you're watching porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. Oh, it's the whole scene here? Oh, I didn't want to see the whole scene. So yeaah, Rocko's definitely back though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it. Why is this... God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's doing it anymore. So it's good to have somebody who's committed to the game. Uhm, poor guy. It looks like he's just as committed and aggressive as ever. Neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everyone has a hall pass, right? You're like, ah, if that landed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she looked like somebody actually drew her. Yeah, she's perfect. Yeah, that's really so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I like her. I think she's great. Charlie's Tehran is great. She speaks Afrikaans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, here's a good shot I can show, I think. I think I can show this. Alright, uh, right there. Can you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we think of a joke? Can we think of a joke, Premiere? The guy who I was like, oh, that guy who asked the question, that's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he launched a website then all about, you know, that, and then a federal trial began with him as a defendant, but all charges were dismissed, so he's a very, uhm, you know, proactive in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that guy, I'd say he does a lot of press. He does interviews all the time. He's not a performer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, he can get hard anyway. That's what Yoshi would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, it really is. Uhm, wow. Things got really dirty today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this kid, have you seen this? I wanted to show you this. This kid, well actually, I want to tell the story first about, about uhm, cause this happens sometimes. What happened when I went to the bar last night? So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, before I met that dude. So this guy, uh, I walk up to the bar and he goes, Hey, I know you. And I go, yeah. And so I got to tell you, I never want to presume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That somebody like that definitely knows who I am. Like, I don't think like that. Like, this guy probably really does know me. Because sometimes people don't know you and they think they know you, right? But still, this dude was adamant that he knew me, right? So he goes, I definitely recognize you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was, it was funnier than that though. He goes, I definitely recognize you. And I go, yeah. And he goes, where do I know you from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, I don't know, because I don't want to assume that it's what I think he knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, you play college football? I got like such an erection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was one of those five. I guess not. When I go, I'm pretty amazed. And then I, I still didn't go, well, I'll volunteer what I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, he just stayed there and he goes, God, I fucking recognize you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, no man, that's, that's, I, I don't, he goes, and have you ever been down to like, do you spend a lot of time in Long Beach? And I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw like that he was really trying and obviously he tried all those, you know, his different guesses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I kinda go like, cause sometimes you just go like, alright, and you just walk, I go, I go alright, cause he kept looking at me, I go, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, do you have Netflix? And he goes, yeah. And I go, well I have a couple uh, stand-up specials on Netflix. And he goes, nah that's not it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, as soon as I said that and he goes, that's not, he goes, are you sure? And he goes, I've met you personally. And I go, then probably Marine Corps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm working Pier 21, even in 10 minutes. Yeah. I was pounding some booze, I got black out, and you know, anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. And she's like, well, fuckin' deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, for the guys that I meet out in the, in the parks and in the, I just wanted to show this again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was trying to get, uh, Bee Jizzles in the Minneapolis airport, and he was arrested. Bee Jizzles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The attack on the, uhm, on Benghazi, right? The, the attack that happened in 2012.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was, the weird thing was they took this real story, but they laid a blueprint of a, just a regular action flick around it. In other words, you've seen a million action movies that there's no reality to it, except that this time they go, this is about Benghazi, but we're going to make it like a fun bro action movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was also, throughout the film, an on again, off again commercial for Mercedes. They had five different new Mercedes model cars in Libya. Post, post revolution, Qaddafi following just a brand new, uh, G550.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, all these new Mercedes, and it was to the point where you're like, this is a Mercedes commercial, like this is getting uncomfortable, you know, like they wouldn't even swap out and have some different cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, movies for 30 years, like I have, I feel like when you see the blueprint, like when you see how it's done, you're like, this is just the same fucking, why would anyone feel entertained by this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to this, I don't know if it's 100% true, it says the movie was made for 45 million. It sounds really low. That's a small budget for a Michael Bay movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're sitting fucking ducks right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's really dumb. It's a really dumb movie. Dick slappers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he, in all his movies, he did Pearl Harbor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what they do now for him? Is that they, they cut in lieu of showing him moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was, instead of showing him doing the thing, there were like six cuts so you don't see his enormous body trying to do this complicated movement. They faked movement. Yes, they faked movement with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, two, three, four, five, six, six cuts. Right. Yeah. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That vocal fries and pans too, man! That's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, uh, Seagal is famous for the entire film being in the trailer. Uhm, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for a man and a woman. She looks like a cop, she looks like a stripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Un, real. I cannot believe that that fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Polly, right? So, when he's there, that people think, oh, this is a major production. They probably think, oh, this is a huge movie. And then he's like, no, we're making this for like, $30,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sniper Special Ops, Code of Honor, The Asian Connection which we love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] End of a gun, contract to kill is filming, and attrition is in pre-production for next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one did we just watch? Uh, end of a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this guy, at this point, you take your, uhm, guys like him take it off the top. So what happens is a studio will go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He understands how, yeaah, that there's a demand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely wrote that shit, man. Of course he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talks about, uh, frosting, uh, and how there's a whole push against it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's revisit some of the highlights because it's so funny. Yes. I've, I've spent time just reminiscing over that just alone, you know, just hanging out thinking about how epic it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to wipe down. It's top dog. Uhm, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Top Dog was on the phone, we called him, we just, I know that he loves street jokes, so we started reading him blonde jokes. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lost his mind. He lost his mind. He laughed so hard. He said stuff that was so just him. You know what I mean? Like it was so genuine to who he was. So authentic on that call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he laughed so hard in this. So hard. Yea. I mean, look at all these different...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the easiest, just simplest joke. He said, you remember when he said on that call, he goes, sometimes I'll just say a joke like that to myself. Oh my god. And laugh. And I'm like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I went out, the only time I heard him laugh like this was when we went out to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went out to a, uh, a breakfast. I met, I went with him and a 90 year old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those two were telling each other street jokes and my dad was laughing this hard. And by the way, the 90 year old man was too. I thought I was going to watch him die in front of us. I've never seen somebody. He was like shaking and then he was like, now you do one to me. That's the old guy who I was like, I don't have jokes like that. And he was like, what? He didn't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you're just talking, I'm like, yeah, you know, my sister did this, he's like, Tommy, broads are different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants, no, he, the other, the other guy came in, I'm like, it's over, you already fucked it up, and he's like, hold on, it's really funny. I can't remember how it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not in 358? It's in 359? Actually no, yea, you're right, 358. 358. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't, uh, understand the concept of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would ask him, I would do the setup and then he would try to logically figure out the answer. So I asked him like this polis joke, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know if you're in front of a Polish firing squad? You just go, how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, and he did it multiple times. Like right after that he does it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the biggest revelation was him thinking that this is my act now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to love- I mean, that's how people would do- Take my wife, please. Take my wife, please, it's huge, yeah. And you hear- and you see the people just fuckin' fallin' out of their seats. Yeah. They're killin'. Crushing with that shit. Unreal, man. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because we're in a new era. I've been a man all my life. I was born a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you wear suits? Here's a newsflash. You're a fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Baby self, toddler self.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, uhm, non-gender specific clothing and colors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just give them plastic balls and sticks that are yellow or green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the boys though, it's just guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think of this kid? We, uh, this was, did you discover this kid or was he sent in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On our show pretty recently. Oh, it was, uh, con, it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Children of, uh, foreign, you know, English speakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we get it, we get it bad, cause it's your developmental area. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these things said incorrectly. Yes. In your case by both parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. You should be ashamed. It's interesting how this guy is doing kind of self help stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But look at him, you know? It's kind of interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, looks like you should maybe read more of those books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, you don't have time for that. This guy doesn't. He's a guru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's what I want to know. Are you talking to yourself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this shit's jumping on different screens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only if you're trying, I think you should be ashamed if you're trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell somebody what's up. In the case of these videos, he's the preacher, right? He's informing us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, a lot of people really impressed that your mom's house was featured on 60 minutes. And it's not every day that a show of that caliber features a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but with us, it happened. And we were very proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was on the anniversary of the Cincinnati fart, and it really was pretty substantial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do the piece, I know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, yeah, uhm, do you get to, can someone book a room to commemorate the Cincinnati fart that happened last year? I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, was that fun to work with that whole crew in Morley's dead body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, thank you guys for listening. Uh, here is the closing song. It's Now I'm In Your Ass, yeah. The Street Justice remix. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the closing song? Yeah, I think you'll like it. Okay. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get comfortable a little bit and, you know, just get back to the basics and, you know, what's made us, you know, good so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russia had its own pussy riot moment. What do you think of Donald Trump's pussy riot moment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marijuana and whiskey. He gets crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're always impressed and we always love it. So, uh, always encouraging anybody musically inclined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This masterpiece by Plum, uhm, it's just, uh, it's so cool how that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burt Waysmore, Maryland. I'm at Magoobie's Joke House. What a name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is going to be August 11, 12, and 13. Uh, that's a great club. I really do love Columbus. It's a great comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a very exciting show. Uhm, are you ready to do our opening clip jeans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did episode, uhm, 827 of his podcast where he just did a Q&A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he uhm, yes, he went on a little bit here that's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Bertrand also, he moves it around, like, he doesn't just stick to one style, like, sometimes it's beer, sometimes it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like from thousands of people. And then also on that, on Oddball, you know, we, him and I, we're not the big dogs on the show. So you do like a 15 minute set and then you're, you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think we need to, one thing we didn't think about is how much our show, luckily, has grown since the early days. For people that are joining us that maybe have been listening for a month or so and they're like, what's the big deal? The foundation, uh, of this show, in a lot of ways, is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, I had Top Dog and Charo in studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, by the way, Charo sat in Blue Band's chair, and I had to constantly just like point to talk, like you'll hear her like this, and she's like, yeah, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now have you had any double pipe classics at all recently?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you fart and burp at the same time. Those are very rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And something carbonated but the cool part is usually the gas picks one hole and in this case it went out of both at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does, uhm, glutton scenes too. You know, like where he'll eat, he'll just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and then burp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like, and he seemed in kind of shock. The one that he was like, I just refuse to believe it was when, uh, you said you did one porno back in college. He was like, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is gender neutral. So you're not identifying with either gender. You know? Is your mind blown or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If somebody was like, or she, for somebody that goes, I'm not he or she. I'm Z.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so you'd say, Z said Z wanted a Coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but sometimes she goes by they them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now we're trying not to place too many gender identity


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, instead of saying eya, I would say Cristina, like he was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or how about, uh, Zeya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is, I understand that, and what I'm saying is, as of now, that's not an issue. No, it's not. It's not an issue because we have transgender people using restrooms all the time now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the occurrences that you're speaking of are obviously an anomaly because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but I mean, those are anomalies. So you can't just say, well, the one guy who was posing as it was faking, so therefore all the other transgender people who are transgender, I mean, you're talking about like, so the one in a thousand thing needs to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the issue you're bringing up, I don't think it's an issue. You don't think it's an issue? I mean, it's not an issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an issue of the imagination, but it's not an actual real world issue because we do have transgender people using restrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it could happen. I'm not saying it could, but I also think that like, it's like, the rapist is still gonna rape whether or not we have this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone else did it. Matthew Miller made this song. For the last time you were on the show, like a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does Charo, does Charo know about the Orlando airport? Does she know that story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know about that one though? It went through his pants. And he couldn't get it off, so he flew with gaka.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's tough. It is tough. It's hard to be, uh, vice free. Sober, essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I think that the cheaters really turned out to be, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you basically control the artillery and stuff and so sometimes, you know, and your troops do most of the shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I don't like to, you know, that's not something that, that I really would ever want to talk about publicly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this blonde is sitting at a bar in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, there's some guy up on the ledge getting ready to jump. So this, this guy sits down next to her and he says to her, this is the six o'clock news and, and, uh, he says, uh, I bet you he jumps and the blonde says, I bet you drink. He doesn't. And all of a sudden the guy jumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, no, I really can't take the money because I saw it on the five o'clock news and the blonde says, so did I, but I thought you might change his mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, have her stand in the shower for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could. Yea, the other kind of jokes I like, I like, uh, I like Polish jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually I think you're much better doing what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the trouble with a block with, with a short joke is jokes over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what these two polo- these two polox decided to bury their father at sea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, you know, all I have to do to entertain myself actually is think about all your childhood experiences with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he turned his snout up at the bush. He tried one, opened it up, tried it, set it down and went back to the rainier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't read this, this is too long, this demo update, sorry. Oh, okay. Retrospect is too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just had got done feeding my chickens, watering them and stuff and I walked back to my house there to get my phone so I could play a video game on it and all of a sudden I heard a big boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked back out my door and electric pole fell in line with the fallen and the geotacklers sideways into the fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knocked my door and electric pole fell in line with the fallen and the jail tacklers sideways into the fence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need to get out of that water. See, I didn't know he was getting these up of bees. I thought he was just high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That little bikini. Yeah. She has a little red dye thought over her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That girl on that little bikini, she had a little red dye thought over her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me. He's using this rooftop as a staging ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The leaf blowers have been going off fucking morning. Thanks bro. Thanks blue band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have told them not to play that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeah, come see me April 20th at the Ventura Comedy Club in Ventura, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's Hitler's birthday. I don't think you need more than that. 420, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lajola. Lajola, and then the Comedy Store like most every week. Tomorrow I'm there, or by the time this drops it'll be gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuuuh, ruby cherries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously her job is to listen to podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so great that this woman has total white pride tats. Who does that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, well, because in Argentina, his wifi connection is really, really good, but he's still underground, so he can only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's letting you know what the Trump support team looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I take that challenge. I wonder, is anybody actually using LinkedIn? Email us if you've actually found it to be helpful. Do you think people really use it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if anyone really, apparently people invite you to use it, but is anybody really using it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now can I tell you what I think your fatal flaw was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wooden stool, because it's a flat surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he would have folded over the mattress cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The comforter. Yeah, I think it's the comforter he's referring to. Yeah, okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he would have just folded it over. If he were alone. If he were alone. Is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very interesting. And what's really neat too is that sometimes you'll go take a shit and our son will shit at the same time in his diaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we went out to dinner, uh, with your sister Jane, who's in town. And after dinner, we were outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, we were out front and I noticed a gaggle of dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but these dad fashions were a little different. These guys had the khakis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? That's not really a West Coastie. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's supposed to be really great. I narrated it. It's not my documentary. Ted Bellacher directed it. Point of story being, if you're offended by that, what you just heard me say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had a stepdad that did that for years, like a big fat Indian guy was my stepdad. And he would always do that after restaurants, after meals. And would your mom go crazy? My mother hated it because in the morning too, it was like, it's so disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. That's just, dude, I'm my Chinese ex-boyfriend. He used to talk about that all the time, how Chinese people do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I knew this girl that used to travel with drugs, she put them in her panties. In the, you know, girl's panties, there's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, McCully Culkin's definitely more famous than Ass-Eating Girl on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Renegades. I love that. Jesus. As opposed to entrepreneurs. Entrepreneur. Which is what they is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the worst, you know that? You know, Tom, I trust you. I do this show with you. And then you, you know, you manipulate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on my Instagram. It is? It's me at the Comedy Store. I'm on stage wearing it. It's a black and white, I guess kind of like a hound toothy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine, well take another photograph of my coat that I had tailored to fit my fat, uh, postpartum body to make me feel better about myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't let me go through your shit. Give it to me. How come you know the codes to all my shit? I don't know any of the codes to your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, uh, to the dog, the solution to the bitsy problem. We can't stop her from eating everything and giving herself diarrhea, so I bought her a burka. You put it on her face and it covers her mouth so she can't eat stuff. And it's been working so far. She hasn't had diarrhea in like a week and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yuh-huh. No, I know. I'll be fucking on the couch and you'll just be like, do do do. I'm like, where's my phone? You're like, oh, I'm on it right now. Ba ba ba ba ba. Ordering food, doing things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom went, God, no, God. Tom was fucking terrible and I was like, relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they didn't want to put us together because then you go, Oh, is she going to be able to walk on my back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, oh no, not if you said the same womb. So then they had to give us separate rooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and she jumped up on my back and I had that moment of like, oh fuck, she's 250 at least. I thought she was going to break me for sure. So I had to be like, oh, I just had a baby three months ago. Take it easy on me instead of you're too fat to be sitting on top of me. Cause what do you do? She's a big bitch. And she, oh, I so sorry. And she backed up, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite, they stretch you and it's always too much. It's always too much of a stretch. Yeah, my inner thymine is real delicate and she was like mashing it. I was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause these motherfuckers are not chiropractic qualified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's great. Apparently though, he was touching the tits, cause I sent him, I sent other girls to him, and he was touching their tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we have finally, we caught up on Better Call Saul and House of Farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to see them as a team. Cosby team for Osby. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that whole thing, it was so sad that he lost his career over jerking it in a porno theater. Who hasn't done that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Are you going to talk to our son about this? For sure. Like, what age?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you don't really have a sense of shame. Like, I asked you to stop by the drugstore to make some sexual purchases for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun, and our housekeeper put them in a plastic bag for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was awesome! He loves it! Can I tell you what crazy looks? I feel like he's finally getting the attention he deserves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like your mom's house has really facilitated that for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We broke Thursday Lane. We broke Peter Kane. We broke Auntie Fifi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's La Croix. It's on our website. Like enjoy. It's La Croix. Like St. Croix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I was so powerful. I really had to go bad. I really held onto it too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I've had my big nice, I've had 39 years of big nice ones. Puerto Rican ones, black ones, Haitian, Dominican ones. It's time to let my son have a bacon one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time, okay, you can go on a vacation once a year, for the rest of your life, free vacations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anywhere around the world. But you're on a cruise. It's always a cruise and it's always with your family. Oh my god. Four?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you have to spend a year alone in Alaska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, here's the thing, I might choose the free cruise for a year, even though it's with every family member that I fucking ca- cannot stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's it and I'm out after a year. Do I have to eat the whole sandwich?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause here's what I would do, bro. I would start a side business at that hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything dealing with human beings? Like having to touch them? Like old folks homes? Like what if your job was to change like old folk diapers every day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's a modified version of this one, because the thinking behind this is really good. Would you rather be a prostitute for that asshole? What's his name? Hightown?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're Big Town's Poe. Or you eat the dog shit sandwich. Oh my god. What was I saying, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this teeth idea though, so I'm going to kind of tangential off the teeth. Would you rather? Are you listening to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, you're a DJ, you get your sweet DJ dad mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, you know, the Comedy Store here in Hollywood every Saturday, mostly Saturday nights, the 7.30 show. I love to do that early show. And I'm working on cities like Seattle, Portland, Denver, Mommy-apolis, uh, where else, P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicago. All these places. You're working on a schedule. Yeah. So, my agent's doing that. He listens to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you go to her Instagram like she says in the song? Uh oh, here we go, more bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have never eaten shit harder. I mean, and I, this was like two or three years ago, so I've been doing stand-up for a minute. And events like that are very difficult. I mean, they drop the dessert just as I was going on, but I would have eaten shit otherwise, because there are real nerds at this dinner, you know? Squares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought that guy was the guy, the bodyguard from, uh, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We will, we've been saying this for the last week now around the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why bother? I think that what gets me is that he bothered to come in to the radio show and then he didn't talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Tom and I discussing the shower that we took together. There's been multiple showers before and after now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you serious when you say that Tom spreads his butt cheeks and puts it up against the water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, yeah, no, that's a real move. And then my friend Eric would text me the same thing, like, wow, that is a bear marking his territory. It sounds like he's trying to dominate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well Brian, when his friend, whose name I can't remember, sorry, but she, she was saying like, is that true that he pees on you two? I go, yeah man, is it that crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was the man. Like, people thought I was gross. Like, all my boyfriends would have to tell me to stop picking my nose, stop farting, and stop burping. Like, my last boyfriend before you, zero tolerance. Zero tolerance for it? Towards the end too, really fucking hated it. When I would burp and fall. When someone doesn't love you anymore, and you're burping and farting, you think that shit goes over? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we started dating, you had no soap in your shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, when I asked you to buy soap in your shower, were you blown away? Were you like, this bitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my world is. Now with a bidet, it's even less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't hit the button. Nobody knows what segment this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I hear the water going for a long time. Yeah. And then you always come out and you go, and then, and then when I ignore you, you go, you're not going to ask me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, cause women don't have hair, I mean some, I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not a need. But for you, if you're a hunter and a gatherer, and you're out in the wilderness, you gotta cover your asshole. Like naked humans, I'm saying primitive man who was out hunting and gathering. Women don't need it because we're with the babies in the cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing there, I know. Cause I had some loose ones too. I say I have, uh, I had like a, uh, I had like a five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was nice, to spend time with you like that. We never really get to do things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but I, I love the Getty, we saw, uhm, Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit, the photographer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm a little disappointed in the Getty that they didn't kind of, they didn't go. Go there. Yeaah, they won JV Squad. Um, cause I worked at a bookstore in the 90s when I was in college. And if you wanted to see Maple Thorpe's books, the book of work, you had to show ID that you were over 18 and it was behind the counter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you want to Google image search and just show the people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's always young girls shivering in LA. Whores are always cold, no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, why? At the Getty? You gotta dress- but I guess maybe the Mapplethorpe exhibit they went to go see dicks. But uhm, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I didn't know he was an anti-semite too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another fun thing we saw at the Getty was the, uh, guy in line too, we were waiting. Oh my god. Isn't this not your favorite guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hungarians do that though, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. You say yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dad. Dad had a mouse this whole time? Dad has a mouse for the other, but that's for this one. God damn it. So wait, dad, can he use that for this one too? That mouse, the Mises?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So soccer hooligans are like the, the British version of like our football lunatics that like paint their tracks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill Hicks had a great bit about soccer hooligans. He was saying that they weren't. Like uhm, the biggest thing in England is, there was a, a waste bin was knocked over in Shaftesbury. So cute. I think of, where are the hooligans? Like they're, they're musicals. Maybe after he did that bit, things changed. Yeah, no, that was like in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. And do you know that Hicks toured?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So crazy. Could you imagine doing, like, that's what you choose to do at the end of your life? I don't know. I might still do standup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would I marry Bill Hicks when I married a savage? Who knows? When I married a dirt devil. Dirt dog. He might have been a savage. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, did you, that was Bill Hicks' ghost. It was. We were just talking about him and then our boards just fell. You see that? The ghost of Bill Hicks. Came back to get us, guys. He's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. We started to watch a movie of his on Netflix, remember? Fricks, I'm sorry, I mispronounced it all the time. Uh, we got, how far did we get? 10 minutes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really bad. It was shot somewhere in Bakersfield, but it was meant to look like Afghanistan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to a dental school. Uh, are you near a major city? I recommend we're near UCLA. Go to UCLA and go to a dental student. They can do it for a fraction of the cost and you'll, the work will be overlooked by whatever, dentists and such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they took my x-rays and they, and the guy goes, oh, you have like 12 cavities. Remember this? And I go, that's horse shit. I don't believe you. I went to a dentist, didn't tell them I had insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I swear to God, it was in Glendale and the guy goes, oh, you got a lot of work to do. We got it. I swear. I believe you. And then I took it to my Hungarian guy who doesn't exist anymore. He retired. Fahir. Dr. Fahir. He's gone. He's retired. We can say his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask Eric. Eric, if you're listening to this, do you remember when this happened to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to God, Russians will do the work a little bit cheaper too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like hookers after because you went to a different one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she got on my ass and I was like uuuh. You know, I was nervous because she's real chunky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. That's my- I wish she would do like an hour of just butt bones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go to Patreon, create an account, get it ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I want to give a shout out to AJ Hawk. I did uhm, the hot cast of drops today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so guys, check me out on AJ Hogg's podcast. Did you know that he's a huge bommie? I mean, you did know that, but people listening don't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Foozball. We talked a lot about football and, you know, the game stuff. I have a podcast called Charge It To The Game, right? I talk about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'm really excited about that. And uhm, also that's Deep Row. Check out that Deep Row podcast. I talk about, uh, about Patti Smith this week and Mapplethorpe and uh, identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna fucking get it if I put my headphones on and there's some horrible thing in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want mouth touches on your peeny? Yes. Then don't ever play barf clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From, I think a similar number. So it's like, hey, there's action on ba-ba-ba or whatever. So it's drugs and it's gambling. And that makes sense because ATIS, the who, the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know since Shinaz, with all her nursing jobs, she's not getting, and then the Persian, uh, person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weekend, Thursday through Saturday, five shows at the Great Hilarities. You ever go to Hilarities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not even what I'm talking about. Talking about the rock club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Okay. LinkedIn. LinkedIn is helpful. I'm going to be there through Saturday. Saturday is sold out. I think Friday is pretty close. Okay. Get tickets if you want to Cleveland. I'll be there. Uh, I'm going to sperm can in a sperm cam, Washington, Spokane comedy club, April 21st through 23rd and then Jack me off Phil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jack, somebody suggested another one. Is it in there? It is, right? Uh, let me pull it up. Let me see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We prefer to be called fudge packs and villains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Jax off Villians. So, I'm going to fudge Paxsonville.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and that is April 5th through 7th. Those tickets are on sale. And then boy, did we get some suggestions from people about what is otherwise known as Syracuse, New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, April, excuse me, May 20th through 22nd, through 21st, I'm in, it's just two days I guess, in, oh here you go, in Syracuse, that's from Damn Daniel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's September 8th, 9th and 10th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] November 19th, it's a ways off but those tickets have been moving. I also added some new shows. I don't want to say them because they're not on the site yet but I am going to another city in the great state of New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you always joke like that, that everything we get has to be in the baby's room. Why can't I set them up somewhere else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not going to put it on a huge speaker. Yeah, why can't I listen with my headphones on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because imagine how upset his son, like if his son's a dick and he goes, alright, alright, I'm just sick of you being like this. And he starts posting videos like this. Imagine what a 14 year old boy would do. It's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I, sometimes I, do you ever do that where you see people and you go, oh I can see my spouse with them. I see, I see that sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I see a guy like this and I go, I see Christina and him living together. I see you guys making out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet his penis is not the same color as the rest of his skin. You think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you say, my friend. So you say. I think, uh, it's possible that we could find out. But you gotta be up for the challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote this song. They always tell you the uhm, you know, the history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I wrote this song, it's about, sometimes you don't find what you want in life, but you end up being happy with what you got. Here we go. It's kind of a Rolling Stones song. Celebrity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trailer park is way more on, you know what I mean? Like this, this, the equal party in, you know, in a person's $30,000 parking lot is, is, it's way better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a backyard jam though. That's my whole thing is like, don't you tell somebody that if they went to see, like he's just playing in the backyard.


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[Assistant] What about if you had to, would it be him?


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[Assistant] Bob is not 10 years younger. Bob's way more normal than this dude. I'm not arguing that, I'm just saying he's not 10 years younger.


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[Assistant] I thought it was kind of cool that he came back and the way they tied it together. I liked it. I actually liked it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, and she actually overcame her cuntiness.


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[Assistant] Was there like, you're a cunt? And then they, they had Edith call her a cunt.


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[Assistant] And then she saw her cuntiness and then was like, you're right.


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[Assistant] Yes. So I was actually trying to pull it up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's uhm, he, cause the thing is that there's that scene where


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[Assistant] It turns out, I'll just tell you, Carson has a bit of an ailment and, uh, they're all, he's kind of keeping it hidden. And then Mrs. Hughes says, you have to tell everyone. So Carson, in like one of the final scenes, he drops his pants and he has a fully erect


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[Assistant] Wait, this is, just so you know.


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[Assistant] Right, right. You know, not a lot of Americans got to see this one. We paid extra. But you get to see Carson, he fucks Cora, he fucks Lady Mary, he fucks Edith, uh, the Dowager.


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[Assistant] Uh, he got to see his daughter, Edith, whose just his whole adult life has just been bad luck.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, and then he, you know, it was interesting. He was one of the people, he accepted the way that life was changing.


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[Assistant] More so than Carson. Because those are really the representatives of


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[Assistant] Julian does know the answer to that.


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[Assistant] Doesn't travel with his, you know.


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[Assistant] Uhm, strong enough basically in our living room.


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[Assistant] You can get a little thing called a wifi extender and you plug it right into your wall and it boosts your signal. Game changer.


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[Assistant] My, uhm, I called them and I said, you know, I'm having trouble with the internet. And they go, okay, well we'll send somebody out.


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[Assistant] So the guy comes out, he comes into this room, which is our studio office.


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[Assistant] And he goes, uh, so what's the problem? I go, well, you know, it's working great here, but in the living room it isn't great. And he goes, okay. So he doesn't really say anything. A few minutes later I see him in the living room. He's got the router in his hand. And I go, so what are you going to do? He goes, I'm going to plug it in here. That way it'll be strong in here. And I go, but won't it be weak in the office then? And he goes, probably.


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[Assistant] So what should I do? I mean, shouldn't I do, like, should I get a second router or should I get a wifi extender? He goes, oh, those extenders work great. Just get one of those.


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[Assistant] And I go, okay. He goes, I'm gonna go put it back in the office. Then I go, okay.


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[Assistant] Speaking of badass motherfuckers and shit like that. Stuff like that. Oh dear. Those are our crazy locs. Uhm, our good friend crazy locs.


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[Assistant] He has a freestyle rap here in Spanish, is that correct? It's in Spanish. So that's kind of my forte. Let's see what it sounds like. I haven't heard it yet. Do you want to hear it?


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[Assistant] You ever seen somebody speak in tongues before? Like in a church? When they heal them and they're like babababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababab


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[Assistant] His crew there is enjoying him, right? They're laughing.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yesterday, as I was kind of going through these clips with Blue Band.


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[Assistant] And uhm, just check this out, this lady, she's pretty great man, uh, lifting weights at a weightlifting meet.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. That's hilarious. She lifts a second time and you wouldn't believe it. She's back to screaming.


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[Assistant] I've heard it a few times, when we had Korean BBQ, when we ordered Thai, I hear you in there.


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[Assistant] I have a lot of Canadian friends, it's the national language. It's La Croix. It's La Croix.


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[Assistant] Well this is a good image I think to use for what we're discussing. Let's see.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it looks really cool. It doesn't look douchey at all. And I like that it's, there's more here. It's down the hips. It's horrible. Down the thighs.


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[Assistant] Can I, uhm, try something real quick? Yeah. Well, since we're talking about, uhm... We'll cry.


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[Assistant] He was, uhm, it was sad though. I was convinced as soon as I heard that he died, that he, uh,


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[Assistant] That he died from an overdose or a heart attack. I didn't know he was fighting cancer.


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[Assistant] Want to really dive into a show you haven't seen the Larry Sanders show? It's fucking incredible. It's such a good show. It really is.


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[Assistant] Verbs and farts, that's what we're about. I should tell you this. Uhm, and in sort of, you know, we didn't mean for it to coincide like this, but I...


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[Assistant] I shot a show, a presentation, a year, more than a year ago.


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[Assistant] It was a show called The People's Mayor. We shot it and we kind of, you know,


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[Assistant] Tried to, to shop it around and they finally allowed us to put it on YouTube. I just put it up, uhm, three hours ago.


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[Assistant] It's called The People's Mayor. It was written by Tom Ruprecht, who wrote for the Letterman for 15 years. So, he's so fucking funny.


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[Assistant] And, just look for Tom Segura, uh, it's up there, it's nine and a half minutes, it's really well written, really well made, and there's great actors in it, uh, Joe Wenger, Mark- Your wife!


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's so good in it. Yeah, Mark Evans Jackson's one of my favorites. Uhm, there's just, there's so many fucking, here, this little exchange here is really funny to me. This is, so I'm playing the mayor, and he, this is my,


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[Assistant] Uhm, do you remember a few weeks ago we had the, uh, the twins and they were like talking at the same time? We have a different set of crazy twins. They wear the same clothes, they both have tattooed eyebrows, they


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[Assistant] And they have, they have something they'd like to share.


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[Assistant] And they are both Australian. Weren't the other ones, they were either Kiwis? No, they're Kiwis.


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[Assistant] These two are real. I mean they must, they might even do that whole other, like maybe they're like incestuous and they're just.


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[Assistant] Now I think with the thing is they've had twins do porn, but twins, you know, siblings typically won't touch each other.


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[Assistant] I've looked into it, yeaah. And I think these two would actually go, yeaah, no problem.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it seems like they're getting loaded in the room.


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[Assistant] Uhm, by the way, last time we had a succulent Chinese meal.


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[Assistant] Uh, remix and we thought, you know, it's pretty good. It was, it's actually really good. You know, it had, it had all the, um,


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[Assistant] Get your hands off my penis.


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[Assistant] This is a totally different style.


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[Assistant] Get your hands off my penis. Here we go.


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[Assistant] I could do that all day. It's good. It's really good. Yeaah. That was impressive. Yeaah. I'm really impressed with him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I can't do the low and loose. I would rather go a little snug. What I try to do is then you get something a little tight. It's a little higher than you normally wear. It's a little tighter and you just suffer through some tight hours.


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[Assistant] Then you wear it for a few days and it will fit perfectly, day after day.


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[Assistant] The thing is, yeaah, you gotta be ready for some uncomfortable times.


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[Assistant] But what happens is eventually it'll be perfect.


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[Assistant] Let me be clear, this fart came from Brown Town and it smelt like chicken cream. Mid-flow into relations. Just wanna get you...


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. That's kind of some, some JB shit too.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, first of all, I just want to clarify, I'm pretty sure you're talking about, uhm, somebody who


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[Assistant] You still, uhm, do you then go to the bathroom and then?


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[Assistant] We just made love, and I go, I know, we're done.


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[Assistant] Big one. Farts too. Farts, I don't think even knows where they come from. Burbusy looks at me and I go, baaah. And he's like.


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[Assistant] He farted, and then he said, damn it, I wish I had burped at the same time. I would be like, well yea, it's a pretty big deal when you do that.


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[Assistant] Hey Hitler mommies, I was listening to a boring news story on NPR just a few hours ago and immediately thought of you guys just as it was ending. The story was about the current overabundance of cotton in China and how it may affect the global economy. After some talk about the price, supply, demand, import-export statistics,


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[Assistant] For a new pair of those precious ball crushing jeans. Shout out to Fifa, Bitsy and Lil Chapito. Keep them high and tight. Later mommies. Michael from New York. Thanks Michael.


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[Assistant] I now get the pleasure of seeing my mommies wearing it high and tight. No longer do I wonder, is Kem An hot as fu- as hot as they say? What the fuck's a sky punch? Or hmmm, I bet they break it down during that sweet intro. Which you do.


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[Assistant] Thank you mommies for not giving me the option of sitting at home and doing a bowl with my two main mommies. Keeping them high and tight. Jeff.


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[Assistant] Speaking of Hungarian, uh, I think there's some Hungarian in this. There's a wonderful site called E-fucked that has over the years provided us with


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do a lot of great work. Uhm, so this audio...


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[Assistant] Okay, right now, he has her arms tied behind her back.


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[Assistant] The Asian transsexual is doing the work, has the penis in the butthole. The other person is, is making kind of racial remarks


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[Assistant] As she's getting plowed by an Asian transsexual. Does that make sense now? No?