[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he would be like excited, like if I moved to LA and I had to get a car or something, like he would be excited to go car shopping with me. Cause he's like a car guy, so he could, you know, like live vicariously or something. Like that would be an experience I'd be like, I'd like to show him, you know? That'd be cool. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do do that. I know, I hope we do that too. When are you moving to LA? I think, uh, within the year. Oh, that's great!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cause whatever, the show, uh, the way that it runs is on these, you know, 12 episode seasons and these three months on, one month off sort of production schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'd be able to finish season 10 by the end of this calendar year, and then I could make like a nice clean break with everything, and then just, whatever, either repurp- or either relocate the show out here, which isn't that big a deal, because it's basically...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 2020, I'll be in Los Angeles, not in New York. Hey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think your acting range, you could widen the scope. You could play a psychopath serial killer. Easy. And then the kids making these memes are getting borderline too good at them, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I wanna hit this year? Have you guys been to Yosemite? No. I wanna hit a national park. I wanna see a bear in the wild. That's cool. This is my new move. So this is my new move for this vacay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I only have like 12 days or something, so whatever, maybe I can sneak a day on each side, stretch it to two weeks, pop into, you know, Chicago for five days, hit Yosemite for like a long weekend, and then right back to wolfing down chicken wings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, I think now I just work so much, but I find myself, when I'm in LA, in that, in that West Hollywood vibe, where there's that, you know, there's the comedy store, and then there's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool towel grunt sorta, but that's like the, that's the best connection. That's the best, cause they make that whole thing run. So I'll be on like those uh, day beds or whatever that are like, have like a $4,000 drink minimum, you know, that are usually reserved for like whoever is in their poppin' bottles, I'll just be like eating nachos on those things, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever we do a show and, uh, or like whatever, if I'm speaking at something, it's like the people that work backstage that have the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can observe on the, uh, San Joaquin Delta, it's, uh, it's pretty amazing. It's nice. You see a bunch of willows, you get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lot lizards, they're, they're like nasty chicks that suck dicks, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always say, congratulations, you've been accepted to the Colorado. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't even seem like LA, it seems far away, but it's not, it's right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what do you do? I end every shower by cranking the heat off and just letting the cold water


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Per day, per day, per day. Today I smoke two only. I mean I don't smoke that much. If I could smoke weed perpetually I would just do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't either. Okay. I don't, that's, I mean, I'm bad at it. Yeah. I don't get a lot of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the bus is not- People say it's like the best sleep you ever have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We thought with the body temperature thing that the heat is just keeping my- coming my body. Could be. Could be. So maybe that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am a hairy guy. Probably more hairy than Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You like being cold. Yes. It feels good to be cold? As opposed to being hot, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, I can function sexually except for the punctuation point, which is finishing without the aid of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if it was just that I was gay, I would just be like, yeah, I'm gay, and I would just fuck dudes, and I would probably cum all the time. Maybe you should try it. No, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. It depends how they want to get involved, you know, sometimes they're like, here, here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he has, you know, it's gonna take a little bit of communicating more and things like that. Uh, I think we determined that, uh, a nice prescription for a smoke show is in order, just to test it out. What's that mean? A fucking hottie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah. Help him out. Let him try. I just need a smoke show sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, prefer, I mean sure, I guess I can go that way, prefer. I've never done it so I don't know. But you're curious, let's just say that. I am curious, I think I could handle it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, for sure, I want it to happen for my whole life, so, I mean. If this doesn't work, then, you know, we might have to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, March 22nd, Improv Lab here in Hollywood, uh, tickets in my bio, on my Instagram, and on my Twitter, if you want to scoop them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, at J underscore Potter is my Twitter and Josh underscore Potter is my Instagram. Some asshole fucking took the other one. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We learned another reason, I think, well now that I'm an employee. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what do you think my value is? Like, let's say if I died on the road. Okay. What do you mean? What do you think, like, you could get for me? Like, life insu- I don't know if- Oh, life insurance policy on you? A lo- expense, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like we were going through a snowy path.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a lot of fun, man. Please eat something today, Josh. Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm gonna have some soup. I'm pretty pumped about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I would like to thank all the Denver Mommies who came out this past weekend so strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overwhelming. It was amazing. Thank you guys so much. And the ride or die tour moves right along. Uh, first of all, get your ride or die t-shirts. I did not bring them with me, but they're shirts, uh, on merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 23rd, West Silom Springs, Oklahoma at the Cherokee Casino, February 28th through March 2nd, Madison Wiscamonia at the Comedy Club on State, April 4th through 6th, Mini Appletits, Minnesota at the Acme Comedy Club, May 10th and 11th, Tempe,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Arizona Tempe Improv. May 31st to Jun- June 1st. Sperm Bank! Cool Pears! Comedy Club!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 20th through 22nd, Madison, Madison, Washington, Dickham. Why did I even say that? Washington, Dickham at the Dickham Improv. Tickets, Christina P. online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm excited to go. I'm excited to go. I love that place. Remember they used to have that ridiculous Italian restaurant? Oh yeaah. And they play like hardcore


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just wanted to say also, didn't you dine last night? Oh, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they do give you a discount because they're a sponsor for dessert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those of you just listening, that woman was driving past another lady who was just sitting in a chair on the side of the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it's an interesting to- Oh, she's got the three-striped Adidas jacket though. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that time we were looking at lofts in downtown LA?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a homeless man just leaning up against the wall, shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you think about how rare and special it was that we both looked at the same time and we both got to see the actual pooping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Oh that's nasty as hell too. Fuck man. Fuck all that. It's so expensive too. You pay a fortune to live amongst all that garbage. You mean to live there? Fuck all that man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, I'm so, I missed you, I was gone, I was in Momver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How cool humanity was, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gross. And then another gentleman on my flight was reading


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of murder and assault, yeaah. But it's always older guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Terry doesn't give a fuck. And also I fucking hate when you're sitting on the airplane and then the guy next to you has shaky leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is singing, it's essentially like, would you be comfortable singing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. It's very rude, it's very, uh, it's what birds do to mark their territory. It's a totally aggressive, passive aggressive move. It is, it is, it is claiming the space. It is dominating and making it mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really don't appreciate that. And then also because when I go to cold climates, there's always, always,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, the overweight guy wearing a t-shirt and shorts and it's like snowing. Yeah. And it's his badge of honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he's like a fat guy in t-shirt and shorts. And then he has to bust my chops for having the audacity to wear a winter coat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time. Is it really that cold? I got one of those. I'm like, well yea, it is for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, yeah, what do you care? And I'm sorry, so you're saying I should be cold and suck it up so that you can be proud of me? Yeah. And you're, like, he's suffering, let you suffer, I don't want to fucking suffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it. And it's always in the coldest places they shame you for it. It's like a, is it a competition in cold climates, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like when you grew up in Ohio. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny, people are so weird about that. The coldest I've ever been though was in Anchorage, Alaska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so terrible. And the sun doesn't come out until later. So it was like a Sunday morning and people were going to church. It was, you know, 10 in the morning and pitch blackout. It was so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, yes, yes, but I grew up in LA and it's generally pretty warm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I do have some kind of low, what is that, low testosterone? That's AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was younger, like in my twenties, I would be cold all the time, but then I would have sweats. Like I would be cold and sweaty. Jesus. I know, so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, we were discussing options to celebrate. You're finally going to be 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I was, we were in the car on the way over, and I'm like, well what are we gonna do to celebrate your birthday? Tom's not a big party guy, so I know, I know that the surprise party or the party is probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't mean to crush your dreams, I just went, so can I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Without the old battle hacks they're telling you. Don't drive fast. Yeaah, exactly. I know how you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's really not inviting me to his 40th, which is crazy. You should have heard him in the car. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, and I could share a chili dog or something cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not, I'm seriously, I'm not crushing your dream, I think you should go have fun with your friends, but I'm just wondering if there's an idea where I, like I could celebrate with you too, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were flying, you were opening for Russell Peters, and we were flying over to London together. This was in 2010?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were sitting and the stewardess puts down our food and we both get our meals at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you finish eating. I'm still on like halfway through mine, but you're finished. And then you just go up and you put your headphones on and you just start watching a movie. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. I just didn't know if that was on your agenda. Cause your first thought was like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta go. Have fun. With friends. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, thanks. Should we go, what are we gonna do for that part?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now that you're finally gonna be that grouchy 40-something, it's gonna be so awesome for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know Josh Flagg from the real estate show that we watched?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh Flagg is like you, like he's this older soul, and he's meant to be 40 from the- he's gonna be like the raddest old Jewish guy who sells real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. No, and then let me watch my serial killer shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, let me ask you, because you're quite an aficionado on serial killers, is there a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how the fuck you, I don't like the, like, I don't know why you're watching this crap right before you go to bed, like you know that it's not a good thing before you sleep to fill your head full of garbage and violence and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His own defense. His own bad defense. Uh, interesting. So he liked brunettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Silent of the Lambs. That's what he did to lure his victims. Is it Buffalo Bill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, excuse me, can you help me put the couch in the truck? And then, she was a great big fat person. And then Frederica Bimmel, what was her name? She was the Pan American girl. And then she's like listening to that song, and now whenever I hear that song I think it sounds hilarious. And then she's like, oh okay, I'll help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bam. Now but if you watch that movie closely, she has a moment of hesitation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did he try to get the sling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is why I'm rude to strangers or just shut off to strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to be a little scrappy. Don't fucking talk to me, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even indoors. Even indoors? Yeaah. Sometimes in the grocery store line, like, don't look at me, don't fucking talk to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buh buh buh buh bye. No push. Bye Felicia. Not even looking at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how, look, everybody will tell you that before you go to bed, you should fill your mind with positive thoughts, affirmations, a little meditation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't know how you're going to sleep at night and not having horrific nightmares, cause it's all murder, rape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like this is, but, but, but you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She seemed like she's fun though, like doesn't she seem like she could tell you some shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, that's a, that's a really good medical question. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. No, I know. It's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he said he was high on molly so he didn't, he knew, he knew that it was something in his mouth. Right? But then he immediately spit it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're right, you're right. And then it goes against your basic instinct to survive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eating shit, like you're not supposed to put that in your mouth. Yeah, you learn correctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty clever guy. He's a, he's, you know, got all his charges and he's on the high seas avoiding taxes. Very smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always found, yea, and the hammock very ingenious too. I mean, I would never in a million years come up with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really brilliant. Cause then you get it fresh from the source.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, in real time it's fresh from the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or what if he, what if he's like, Selma, I want you to come over, and he's like, drink all this coffee. He's like, you have a double tall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's like, eat this bowl. It's like five different cheeses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do have cum on your balls. I know. You need to be evacuated. You were very grumpy yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Good. I was gonna tell you, so I was watching a lot of regular TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a ton of fuckin' woke ads now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay woke bro, it's like, everything's got to be woke now. It's, it's almost to the point where it's super annoying for me, like, down to the fucking razors now. Like everybody's gotta be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think anybody was ever like, hey, let's keep catcalling women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it's now that you guys are expected to step up and be like, hey, stop being a douchebag. Mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, there was never, no, there was more the mandate of like, ladies you should shave. So I think that's what they're trying to quote, empower us. Yeah, to let you know, they're like, you can shave us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yeah, it used to be like that, like hairs, you're empowered to be creative with your pussy hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now they're like, you don't even have to shave your pussy hair, you go girl. You gotta shave your forearm or your face like a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it feels like I watch it and I don't feel empowered and I don't feel like they're on my side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little, it's a, I think what bothers me is the uh, like the corporate empowerment angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. And also, aren't women, there's like a pink tax on, on women's products. So the same, the identical product basically with different packaging is sold to women for more money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, actually, men's razors are probably a better quality razor. Really? Absolutely. Same shit, different toilet. They charge us more for the same product. To get our hair done, it costs significantly more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dollar Shave Club. Can I tell you that if you want to talk about a woke company, actually the way they were doing it was pretty legit because they were like women, don't pay more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a pink tax. Venus is bullshit by the way. If you want a real grazer, use the guys and pay less and have a better shave. And that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now there are legit companies, like they're saying, like, millennials are starting companies that are actually conscientious. Sure. Like for, uh, you know, bombas or whatever, for every song you buy they give to the homeless. That's legit. Or the toms, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever. No, in life. I mean, he was like, hey Tom, I'm pregnant. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how, I mean, I've never been, wait, no, I've done a rap battle on the TBS show and I want it. No, never, never. As a joke, like a joke off. And uhm, the pressure to think on your toes like that, on your feet, I mean, how did, I don't know. Is that just a gift that you had or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20. And did that just blow your mind the first time you're on tour with like these- this huge axe and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think about this photo because I've seen it so many times. I always think about the moment before and the moment after this was taken. Do you remember what, were you guys laughing? Do you remember if you were saying anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause that's actually what I'm thinking too. I'm like, I wonder, like were they hooking up already? So like maybe she's cool?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could have gone south real fast if she was like, what the fuck are you touching me for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, now if you had to work with one of these artists, would you work with the first one or the second one that we played you? You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. And he is from England and, and English rappers. It sounds like he's got a British accent. Yeaah. And they're very hip now. Right? That's Elaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of some research, if you will, to find, you know, to keep finding the bottom of this mystery. And, uh, I did, you know, I started at the bottom, uh, and now we're here. And so far, you know, I've gathered some research. I think I need to have like a brain orgasm first. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a Tempur-Pedic dog. It's not as good as a Saatva, but it's, uh, you know, I, uh... Look, we're swapping that out immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get one from a couch or something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never been kicked out of an apartment, but I've had to move at a rapid pace a lot. And then like, you know, you on the road, sometimes you don't have an apartment. You just kind of live in other people's apartments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where would you rather spend an evening? In my bedroom or in the now vacant Neverland Ranch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Jay Leno would make a joke at night being like, uh, kids pants are half off. And then, uh, everyone would laugh and we'd all clap and then we'd listen to Thriller and that would be that. Cause he's the oldest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what the sentiment seemed like. He's weird with kids, but boy oh boy, get him in a studio and he makes magic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you can touch my kid, you know, if you can do that dance. Oh, by the way, in that documentary, if they, uh, if the parents were my parents, and they were like, they were like, uh, hey, you know, sorry we've been separating you from your child so much, uh, we just need, we want you to have the nicest hotel suite. My mom would have been like, yeah, you can fuck them too, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Also the prelude to this coming out, you know, in... Yea, people talk, because people were saying, you know, this is going to change the way you see it. Yea, there was a lot of hype on this before it came out, so in the wake of that, where do you think it shows up in the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have signed up to watch that shit too. Well, do you think R. Kelly too? If R. Kelly does go to prison, do you think they fuck him up or they're like, they fuck with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in this documentary about R. Kelly, for instance, if we can shift gears for a moment, his brother is involved in the documentary and he's actually in prison from the documentary. He is? Oh, good. Yes, he's interviewed from prison. Now R. Kelly has a couple of brothers. He's got a brother, Cary, who's younger than him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do man. But he's so talented. He, yes, and then what he did was he'd be like singing about sexing and fucking and shit and then he'd go, I'm gonna do a church song and everyone's like, it's forgiven. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just singin', did some dancin'. But I wanted to show you R. Kelly's brother because he is in prison and he is the only one coming to his brother's aid in this documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You don't think so? For sure. It's, I mean, with the documentary I thought- There's no way that people have the same amount of, this, this, this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point, and uh, I think though, it is in the news right now, Michael Avenatti has picked up another charge for R. Kelly, so he is being prosecuted again in the wake of this documentary. But his brother, uh, his other brother, Cary, was not so ride or die with R. Kelly, because R. Kelly approached him about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking the fall for the PP tape. Being like, tell him it was you in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have another tape of Bruce? I can't remember. Oh, yeah, that's the third. Yeah, can you play that one? This is Bruce's reaction to his brother not liking the idea of being not only the body double in music videos, but in his sex tape as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing wild, by the way. Nothing like R. Kelly has ever done. For the record, it's just burglary and things like that, like drug possession and stuff like that. No violent crimes unless you consider burglary violent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's progressed to that because he's been allowed so much leeway in the past. He was just kind of doing things like Michael Jackson where he was bringing younger women around and things like that. People just thought, oh, he likes younger women. People helped facilitate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An international dance super megastar choreographer dancer. Did you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to be a comedian more than I want to be anything in the fucking world. I want it so fucking bad. And if you make me go back in time, and you told me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what you do, but you're gonna be Sebastian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know that I would have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, cause think about this. I said this to somebody and they think I'm a monster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are so many children that are victims of terrible crimes like this that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are in a fucking alleyway or a fucking dumpster behind the, you know what I'm saying? Like terrible circumstance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These kids got an amusement park at least. Right? Free popcorn. Got to see screeners of fucking Bambi before that came out probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, and I'm very happy to be a comedian, but that's my point, like, I, my desire is so much, and it's like, how much do you love dancing, dude? Like, is it, was it, I would like to ask him that question. Was it worth it? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not about what I would be willing to do to anyone else. It's like what I would be willing to have done to me. I would degrade myself to levels of which are inconceivable to achieve my goals, yes. But I haven't. I mean I haven't sold my soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the end game is something inconceivably successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what if I'm- you said I have to make him come every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I have to make him come or do I have to at least try to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can. It's an achievable goal. Is it? Okay. Cause that's the only thing that would concern me is if I was put into the situation and I couldn't succeed in my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's have a time limit, though, to see if this works. I don't know that I could do rest of my life. I think I could put, uh... Let's say there's a six-year window. Well, you mentioned the three-year, it's a three-year progression to success. Yeah. Once I hit the mountaintop, I get to stop. I would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would feel disgusting with myself, but it doesn't... I would feel happy at the end result. I already hate myself, so that's not gonna like, decrease. Really? You know what I'm saying? You need so much therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't think like, I think it would be, I would call my friend and be like, you know, I had to suck this fat old man's dick. It was terrible. It was every, it was as awful as you think it is. But he threw me an envelope of vague crayon and I've got a fucking, I'm doing all the improvs now, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I might think about it, that's all. I've never been put in this business. Now what if he started really- The way that you put it, like where you're like, and then you're doing theaters, I'd be like, am I selling all these tickets because I sucked a dick? Then that's all it takes, then fine. Now what if he really started hurting your asshole? It's gonna hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I would do it. The way that I pointed out, yea. Speaking of tickets, where's your show? March 22nd at the Hollywood Improv Lab. I will suck all your dicks if you buy tickets. 10 PM show? 10 PM show. Line up in the back after and we'll get it going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're running out, we'll have to shelve it, but there is one other gentleman I'll end on, uh, that is from a band called The Lost Prophets, it's a band I listened to as a child, or as a teenager I should say, and they weren't very popular at all, that's the band right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was Michael Jackson on steroids, but had no fame and no- no- nobody helping him in this regard, and he was not like as- you notice that these guys are like all elaborate in their schemes and everything like that? This guy was not at all, so he was pretty easy to catch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to him was the British version of the NSA went to hack his computer because there was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't give a fuck. I'll never listen to the band again. Like, it wasn't that prevalent in my life that I was like, I'm gonna miss the music. Is he locked up right now? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, he's fucking in jail for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was in like a, you know, an emo band. Yeah, that's why he looks like that. He's got cold, cold eyes for sure, man. Well, yeah, he's going to jail in that picture. He's probably like, you know what? I'm fucked. Yeah, I fuck kids is definitely his look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do we have time? Yeah, let's run the script. So what is this? Well this, I have here also like, uh, we have talking sex tapes and all kinds of celebrity musicians that are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like the king of rock and roll. He's the man. Well he also enjoyed filming women that he would have sex with and doing a number of demeaning things to them and in fact he has a sex tape somewhere in this world but because of the time of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it was in, like the 60s or 70s or whatever. You know, we don't have it heavily distributed. So, what I've gone through...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the transcript of the sex tape and I've delivered it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? Put your hands down by your thighs. Take it. She continues gasping as he continues to piss. Take it, take it, take it. Open your mouth, open your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is sucking and gasping and grunting as if in pain. Here, clean yourself. Clean that piss out of your eyes, boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't betray you. I won't betray you ever. Believe it. I can't kiss you. Smells like piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. Clean yourself off, take a shower. He walks out of the tub as she turns on the faucet to clean herself. Aaaaand sink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day, every day, like man, probably three times a day, I jerked my dick off so much that the prisoners was actually saying, yo dirty, chill the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you kidding me? We're gonna fill this up? I like that one. All of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very soon, it's gonna be, uh, uploaded to iTunes and Spotify. We had some issues with copyrighted music before. Yeah, but for now though, it can be where? Accessed? Dash radio, uh, and Mixcloud, you can find some of our older shows, but Dash radio every Tuesday night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a show from 6 to 8 on mixtape and then 8 to 10 on Hip Hop X, so there's an encore performance of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you also had, remember Clee told that story on our show about how he brought it back to New York and the Dominicans all heard Too Short and they, he became a hero and they stopped being picked on. He was the coolest guy in New York because he had Too Short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had many. Oh yeaah. This is something that Short gets on me about all the time. He's like, you're not supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, wife these girls up. Wham bam, thank you ma'am. But you've actually been in relationships? As Sam Tripley would say, shout out to Sam, I'm just a guy that likes broken toys. I like to play with the broken toys. I love Sam Tripley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and everybody's like, I'm trying to watch a basketball game and literally girls are like fingering each other in the other room and sitting on balloons and popping balloons. They're like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got like five hot chicks in the other room, like why are we in here watching basketball? Why are you watching the fucking game? Yeah. I'm like because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're working. They're working. Let them work. Damn. You know, she needs to buy some stuff and I don't wanna, I don't wanna pay for her hair. It's 300 bucks for her fuckin' hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before you dated girls in this industry or? No, I was dating a bunch of girls and in fact when I first met Short and like in 99 I was kicking it with this porn star named Houston. Oh I remember Houston. She was a friend of mine and she did the Houston 620.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. He's got a new album out right now called The Pimp Tape, which is awesome. Awesome album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Short threatened to retire like four different times and then he also threatened to get married when he did Married to the Game album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, yeaah. That's a good story. So uhm, I had some friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That weren't allowed to really be in the internet business or telecom business based upon some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prior activity. Let's just say they were wanted by some people. They called me up one day and said, hey, we got this tape of this socialite, her name is Paris Hilton, and uhm, we really want to put it out, just like our friend Seth did with the Pam and Tommy Lee tape. So I knew all these guys from back in the day, and I knew what kind of a debacle that became.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a standard of what not to do. So some friends of mine in Seattle who had learned through that said, we know what to do with this, but we can't put our names on this and we want you to go out there and publicize this thing for us. And I'm like, well, what's the worst thing that could happen? I'm a PR guy in the porn business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, this tape is interesting and I met with the guy who had the tape. He was a roommate of this guy Rick Solomon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's now known as Rick the Dick. That's Rick in the, in the Paris tape? Or as we call him the 50% copyright owner of the tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another good question. So originally- The lighting was pretty good. It was- The original tape was a green, uh, x-ray vision tape, if you remember correctly, where her eyes are kinda glowing in the dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the tape that came to us originally and was not supposed to ever see the light of day because we didn't have the rights to put it out. Paris had not signed off on it, Rick had not signed off on it, and all we got was a bullshit story from Rick's roommate who said he's got the rights, he's gonna do it for Rick. So we gave this guy $50,000 up front and a third of the back end profits was our deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until I went and sent two clips out to the media. One to Us Weekly and one to Entertainment Tonight. Oh, hell broke loose. This is what became known as the very first viral video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] David Joseph, the owner of Red Light District Video. So, we had the original, uh, tape. I got sued for 10 million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, nobody actually knows this, and I'm gonna tell you guys a story, because this is what we do. YMH exclusive. So uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was suing everybody and people were going online trying to find this tape and there were literally a hundred million dollars being made fraudulently by people saying that they had the Paris Hilton sex tape in their members area and back then you could join for two hundred dollars and see it and they would get in there and there was nothing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a lot of people were doing that. So at one point when they were, everybody was suing everybody, Rick and Paris had a conversation and they were like, look, everybody's making money on this thing. We should go back and make our own tape and put it out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So they go back and like, this time we're shooting. They go to the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. Wow. And they shoot it and she gets final cut because you'll notice in that movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's really no nasty cum shots, there's no up close shots of her vagina or her ass. She did a cum shot in the other one. Well there's a cum shot in it, but it's not like there's a full facial. She was pretty boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave it to us, uh, along with my brother, who had now gotten involved with this, with a, with a web company up in San Francisco, and we put up HotelEris.com, which was the only legal place to put it out online, and of course we, uhm. How do you monetize it though? Well, people would join for 29.95 a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sold more DVDs than any other adult movie in the history of adult movies. Wow. And it was a huge website for many years. In fact, it still makes money. All these years later. Still makes money. Not a lot of money, but I mean if you go to Pornhub, people, you know, you could see the Paris Hilton clip for free. Right. But now it's monetized by the traffic and the advertising on there. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, that kind of- So you can still make money from traffic on like a porn site, like a free tube site? Oh yea. Really? People make money because you're buying clicks and you're actually monetizing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, years ago, in a niche website, niche being like midgets, let's say, uh, one in like 50 people looking for little people online would buy and convert. So that was good traffic. Right. A heterosexual site, maybe one in 200 back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now because there's so many hits on Pornhub, you gotta like one in maybe like 50,000 will join.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the mere mention that there's a sex tape out there. Of a celebrity. People go on Google, they go on Yahoo, they go bananas looking for that sex tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first, Kim Kardashian, as you know, was a really good friend of Paris. Uh huh. And she saw the phenomena happen in Paris and she said, I wanna be big and famous too. I don't wanna just be some hanger on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, well, let's do this. And I said, well, let me take you over to a couple places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So initially I wanted to bring him over to Red Light, which is where we did the One Night in Paris. And then I wanted to take him to Vivid. He kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Side step me, went to go see Joe Francis over at Girls Gone Wild, who was best friends with Vivid. They kinda cut me out of the whole thing, but again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm okay, I ain't mad at it. You know, we all, I'm still making money off sex tapes all these years later because people still come to me with sex tapes. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you guys did a double anal tape, I'm pretty sure. Tom and I? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? This is exactly what goes to swinger parties. Guys, people that look just like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The more Short hung out with us, the more he got his dick sucked. Oh, that's great. I met Short, we booked him for a player's ball, that was the name of our porn party he was telling you about. And we had done it at a place called the State Palace Theater in New Orleans. And we have told this story a million times on our show, but it was the weekend of the Bayou Classic, which is basically two black colleges playing each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Southern, uh, Mississippi, and I, was it grambling? Wasn't it like, grambling? Yeaah. So, uhm, needless to say, New Orleans was very- Was it in Cookman? Am I thinking, oh, that's a high school, right? Yeaah, I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But needless to say, New Orleans was very dark that weekend, and he was sent out to go play a party for two black, black brothers is what he thought. My brother and I are the Blatt brothers, B-L-A-T-T. K-B and D-Money, K-Bizzle and D-Money, that was our gnome de guerre. Anyway, he shows up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the State Palace Theater, and people are having sex on the dance floor. They're in the VIP rooms, there's blow jobs going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He comes back and he looks at two white boys dressed as pimps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm suited and booted with like a biggie Smalls hat. My brother's in a red suit. He goes, what is going on? I'm like, hey man, we're so happy to have you here tonight. You know, I'm such a big fan here cause just like you, I grew up listening to Too Short. Of course. In Cleveland. Yeah. I was bumping Too Short, you know, from 1984 on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, uh, all I know is I'm supposed to be playing for two black brothers. I go, no, we're the black brothers. He goes, the black brothers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, I thought you guys were black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We're like, sure, we wanna book you at the Playboy Mansion for a party. He's like, I'm down. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's dope. We had some good times. So that's how we became friends. I'm happy to say 20 years later. And I host a show with Too Short. We're friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had male talent that didn't show up that night, and I'm cheap, so I'm like, ah, hey, you know what? Your wish is my command. So are you in porn? No. No. Well, mmm, not as far as you guys would know. Okay. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you could play Mr. White Folks. I'm, I'm close to it. Snoop used to call me Mr. White Folks when he was younger. Really? Yea. He thought I was the guy that was in, then he saw white boys and he thought I was the guy that was in white boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the circle. I'm very fortunate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's another good question, uh, Rolling Stone's doing a feature on me that's supposedly coming out next month. It's all about me too. It's all about, uh, fixing. You can do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, we, yeaah, we talked to her like what, eight months ago? So it's been taking a little while, but it's finally coming out. Uh, I brought Amanda, the writer, down to meet short downtown. Cause I thought, I'd give her a little cross section of some of the people I deal with, you know? I fucks with a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was so blown away by Too Short. And she was like, this is great, what nice guys, what a great facility. Short's got a place downtown called the Boombox, it's about a 30,000 square foot facility. And every room...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's got a different room. He's got a barber shop in there. He's got him. And there's recording equipment in every room. So if you're inspired, you know, he's got artists down there that are working in every single room. It's like a factory, a hit factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, I brought down, uh, the writer. She loved it and she started saying something about a podcast. And Short's like, you know, we should really do a podcast together again. Cause we did one last year, a couple years ago when he did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I ended up being on the highest rated show, but it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ray J denied it and Kim United. Ray J denies it, but I know what I saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean look, there's a lot of sex tapes out there that you know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not just sex, I mean years ago I showed short a video clip of Justin Bieber singing a song with the n-word in it. Yea that got out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had purchased it five different times and spent hundreds of thousands to make it go away when he was 16. He finally had to disfess it. And I showed it to Short and Short's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just, like, trying to get reaction out of his white friends. They were all laughing along with him, but it was not nice. And, uh, granted he was a kid. Alright, back to the sex tapes. Yeah, back to the sex tapes. Fuck Bieber. Does Bieber have a sex tape?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I'll tell us when. I'd be surprised. I've signed a lot of NDAs, so I can't talk about some of them. But I will say that the Tom Sizemore tape, which did come out eventually, was probably one of the most disturbing tapes I've ever seen. Just name like movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was bad because he was high on crystal meth, and he had five hookers in the Chateau Marmont.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven black playmates in the history of Playboy. Wow. But when I first saw it, I was actually- She's my good friend, Nicole, man. She's cool. Uh, I was actually taken in the trunk of a car because these guys didn't have one in the backseat. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's calling me up and they're like, yo. Yeah, but I was just going up Sunset Plaza because they didn't have room in their Honda to get me up there, but I was such a whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Great, great two short song by the way. Yeaah. In the trunk, featured in Black Panther. Featured in the opening scene of Black Panther.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said we weren't really planning on showing it to you, and we don't have room in the backseat of our car, but we don't want you following us up in your car, so you would be to get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't want me going where I was going, so I went up, it was literally three and a half minutes to the house. I now recognize it was Sunset Plaza that I was going up, Windy Road, because I wasn't living in LA at the time. I go in there, they put the VHS tape in, and there he is, the shaved head, naked, with the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life, for a little guy. Who's that, Colin? Colin. And he looks at Colin and goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and Christine are the only two people, okay, in a sex tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a 50% copyright holder, you're a 50% copyright holder. Right. Now if I get ahold of your computer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might have possession of your computer but I don't own your computer. Right. Which makes me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna put this out as a story. He's got a sex tape being sold around the valley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Tom Segura might have a deal with Disney coming up and you're probably the next shaggy dog and you don't need that because you're gonna get two million dollar picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they go away when you pay them. Okay. You know, they're whores too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So exactly a year ago, last week, I was shopped, a woman calls me up and she's like, do you have a secure line for me to talk to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like, I'm like, in the cone of silence or something. I'm like, okay, yeaah. So I get on a WhatsApp call with her and I'm like, what do you have? She says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A guy sent me a tape of this model slash actress four years ago. And she is tossing a salad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, you know, oral sex. Yes, eat the scrum. And I said, great, how do you know this guy? Well he's a photographer, based in Florida, I was doing some stuff with him. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who's the person we're talking about? And she was beating around the bush and beating around the bush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, who is the person we're talking about here? Before I call my lawyer and get anybody involved in this, you have to tell me. So then she says, her name is Megan and she's about to marry a prince in England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here to tell you that I believe. You believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe this is Megan. And you believe she's eating this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I know what I saw. Delicious treat. And when I reached out to the lawyer and I told him, look, this is what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Uh, anyway, so yeaah, that's the kind of stuff. Is that Ray just gonna snitch her out there like that? Damn. Uh, but there was another time, I will say this, can I tell the story about when you told, about some guy calling me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gave your name to a friend of mine. He's got a sex tape. I'm like, oh, okay, cool, cool. He's gonna be calling you. I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond with my ex-fiance. I love that place. Shopping for curtains. I see an 818 number pop up. I answer the phone. Hey, is this KB? Yeah. It's Suge. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I can't hear you, it's really loud in here. It sounds like you're saying it's Shug. It's Shug Night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, my brother wouldn't know Shug Knight's calling me. And he goes, I'm Todd's friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Short gave my number to Chug Night. So then he proceeds to tell me what he has and he's got a tape of a very famous rapper's wife who's not with him. And I'm like, dude, this is not something you want to put out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honest to God, we can't put it out legally, and I'm trying to teach Suge Knight about the law. Yeah. And he's like, well, fuck that, I'm putting this thing out. This is how much money I'm gonna make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm, yes, with the Ohani Noah. That came to me a couple times back when the Asuka De La Hoya stuff started happening too. That's in my Rolling Stone article by the way. Geez. JLo? JLo had a sex tape with her first husband, a guy by the name of Ohani Noah, that was shot many years ago. They shut that down as well, so that never came up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the one that shook, did he end up putting it out? No, that one never came out. Uhm, but for two days it was pretty hairy and I was like, I had to say no to him. I couldn't get involved with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got shit out there, but the first couple things he was in, uh, women's leggings and stuff. I've seen that photo. Upside down. Oh, I haven't seen that photo. Yea, well the last thing I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the hooker said that they came off a seeking arrangement to his place and he was out of his mind on coke. On coke, yea yea yea. He had a big problem. A huge problem. Yea. He's running around and he's got a whisk in his rectum. Okay? Yea. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another like a spatula handle up there. And they're like playing with it. And I'm like, oh my god. Devil Anum. And all I'm thinking is- Hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm more afraid of that motherfucker cooking me breakfast in the morning, because I don't want to get paint guy, you know? It's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah, that was uhm, it was an extortion attempt. Oh, it was? Yes. By the hoes? By the hoes, and the FBI got involved, and I ended up meeting with the FBI, and the, uh, the writer was from Rolling Stone was with me when I showed up to meet with the feds, and the feds flipped the fuck out. They're like, what are you doing bringing a writer with you? I'm like, well, she's following me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They prosecuted the girls that tracked it down to a woman in Florida. Sometimes I get involved with law enforcement. That's serious shit. I like to turn my, uh, my powers towards the good. I've seen De La Hoya pose. You know that picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the problem with the Me Too generation. There's a lot of girls that actually have legitimate, you know, gripes. You know, when you're talking about Weinstein, you're talking about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but it's, it's, we're living in a different era. It's called a movement. It's a movement. So there's a lot of girls now that don't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part time. Tom would be okay with that, wouldn't you? That's fine with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Name's Segura. Name's Segura. Alright, I like that. I like that a lot. You on the right train, you on the wrong track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. But pimps, that's the mattress. Yeah, yeah, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. We love Sesame Street. Would you guys like to hear some titles of songs off the new album? Love to. Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts off with Go Short Dog. Yeaah. It goes into Break a Bitch. That's the second track. And then Tables featuring Snoop Dogg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. How to be a player. How to be a player with E-40. Yep. Anti-eye. We got pull your trophies out. Don't shoot, which I'm assuming is not a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we have a Dr. Dre interlude, uh, give me back my eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only Dimes is the track number 13, that's with G-Eazy. And then Twerk Train. The Dream is on there also. Twerk Train is another good one. There's a lot of cuts on this by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to be fair, not just the clips, but I was reflecting today when I was thinking about coming over and how joyous I was, and sort of, I wanted to congratulate you guys, I'm excited for you, and I thought, yeaah, the opening volley with these guys was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I've been to radio a long time and sort of nothing surprises me. However, that moment stayed with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is joyous! And it was, that, that like the layer of discomfort on me that I almost couldn't tolerate. So that's where the discomfort really goes over the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yet I came back, I maintain friendships, and not only that, I'm gonna be a part of this ship. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To like, I had just gone over and gushed at, uh, what's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids name that does Schitt's Creek, uh, it's, uh, Schitt's Creek's a great show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, anyway, uh, Dan, I forget his last name, he's the, he's the, anyway, and, uh, Dan Levy, Dan Levy, I was gushing over at him, he's, he's, the other one's, what's the dad's name? Eugene? Eugene's dad, the dad, and, uh, and I was just gushing at him, and then I was literally, nearly tackled by one of your fans, who was like a 35 year old female, I mean, not exactly what I expected,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Attractive, three-final female, who like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say this with peace and love, peace and love, peace and love. She was a lovely woman. Would not leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drew. Okay, that's where it came from. It wasn't bothersome. It was not bothersome. Much like Christina, I was an observer of this human behavior and thinking, wow, this is a different world that I've become a part of and I better double down. I better have a show on it. Huge fans of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, hold on. I'm expecting either some sort of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally sexually inappropriate move, which then would get disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of lighting, does he have like some special like Instagram lighting in his kitchen? Did you see that? Yeah, it looked like pretty, like weird, like weird lighting, okay? That is pretty unique. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to breathe deep in this place, in this house. They are not doing normal sort of dating. They don't form and break relationships normally during adolescence, right? Normally you have them and break them and have them and break them and you date. None of that. It's all sort of hooking up and hanging out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when they actually develop sort of a real attraction or an attachment to somebody, they don't know what to do with it. They don't know how to navigate it. They don't know how to manage it. So we get a lot of people going, males 27 or more like 25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going, uh, well I met the girl in my- I met her. Met the girl in my dreams. And we went out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she wasn't so into it, but uh, that was just there and you know, she was, she didn't understand. And so we became friends and we're good friends and I've been waxing her car and cleaning her carpet for the last two years and now it's time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a dismissing of it, right? It's like, you wouldn't, of course you wouldn't be, you know, you're not scared by me, of course not, because it's me! And I hope it doesn't do it, because it won't anyway, because it's me! And the duration of this stuff, and the whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? This is why we're interesting. So when I see people get run into in a garage and their legs get cut off, I feel bad when I see this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was listening to podcasts recently and they were all like, persuasion has become a really hot topic lately. I think because of Trump, that's all he's doing is using persuasion. And, uh, and people go, you've got to take other people's point of view, you've got to see their point of view. And I go, no, that's all I do all day is I try to put myself in their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. Is that what you were going to say? Sorry. No, I was going to say firm. Just very firm, but not hysterical or emotional. And then. That'll ramp it up. Well, any contact ramps it up, right? So you have to be firm, deliberate, swift and sure, and then no more contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause any contact re-ups it, re-ups it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Firm and clear. And no cracks in the wall because they will exploit any crack. And they will escalate after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've not, I've not gone down the Garth Brooks crap path with you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The quiet, seething rage. Tom did a very good seething rage. Is that supposed to happen? That wasn't as good this time. Last time was way more real. Do it again. Is that supposed to happen? There we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a big deal. That's pretty wild, right? And you don't know, we really don't know what that does to people, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well especially, there's sort of a confluence of factors. It's the kind of person that seeks that kind of fame, the kind of person that we as a society elevate to that kind of fame, and then what it does to them. This is a confluence of factors. It's not the fame itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seething rage was already there, I'm just saying. And the intolerance is probably, you know, just the overworking and the alcohol and whatever else. Whatever else, I don't know. Pills, whatever, you know. I feel like I've got, uhm, the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I see that please, Tom? May I please? You want to see this? I want to see that. Because I've not seen that. I've seen furries. I imagine this is sort of a furry part, but when you got to sniffing each other's butt, Christina, maybe that's your version of the doggy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will look into this and maybe we should have a dog butt play every week. That's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfectly normal, perfectly natural, perfectly healthy. He reminds me of like a Spider-Man evil villain. He's like, I wonder what he's like. I would love to see him in his real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't. You know what I mean? That's the part that I find fascinating. Yeaah. Like this is such a, this, I guarantee you this piece of him is something that he puts way out over here and denies it exists. Oh, right. And then he goes through his life as a bank president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's put it this way, I'm sorry guys. It always has a, let's put it this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying there's a direct relation between trauma and sexual fetishes. I'm saying that when you're traumatized, naturally it affects important parts of your life like your sexuality, right? And so especially when you have a cut off part of yourself that may be injured and dysfunctional, who knows what's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Uh, that knee is aggressive and angry and whatever, so it'll act itself out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is also somebody injured who wants to exploit and make money from injured men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? Oh, you'll go insane for this. Killing Eve. Watch. It's like a nine part series. It's what Sandra Oh won the Golden Globe for though. Oh, really? Is she Eve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, they're actually in a weird way two eves, but she's one of the eves, and the, uhm, and I can't explain it without you seeing it, but there's a scene where a guy gets his balls clamped, and likes it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't say fun. Show me one I want to see your reaction. Let's see it in real time. We don't have one set up. We don't have the internet. Clearly I have to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're having too much fun because we're actually running out of time. But there's like, I will be back, I'll be back and come watch my show here on this platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're selling them for like 20 bucks. I do like your guys swag though. I wear the, I wear the just glass thing all the time. Oh really? Oh cool. You know, the last stand up I saw you did, you spoke differently about your dad than I've ever heard you talk about. I did? Yeaah. Yeaah. I don't know, it was funny, cause I have Christina's idealized


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did 11 years and I, and I contemplate going back for a psychoanalysis. Yea, yea, yea. I'd love to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would want to sit on one of your sessions. Literally, literally I wrote my therapist a note years later and I went, how the fuck did you tolerate that boring bullshit for all those years? That's what you think though. No, nothing, like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only did she get bored, I mean, no, cause she, she was very attuned, and she was busy attuning to me, and that's what I needed. And I'm still like, how did you tolerate all that drivel and nonsense for all those years? Just, like, thank you for just sitting through that. Cause there really wasn't anything to complain about. I have a good life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm really wondering what's going on. Is he on the streets? Do we know? It looks like, uh... Looks kinda like that, right? Yea, it's a yard somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and it's, to me that's just, I just, I just, it's one of the, I have zones where I like, I can't like process. This is one of those zones. Sure, you can't relate. I can't relate because I have low self-esteem and I have, I don't feel, I feel small and not important and stuff. And to have somebody go, hey man,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's usually you go, oh, there must be math or something else. But it's not necessarily drug addiction. It's in that schizophrenia, schizophrenia forms, schizoaffective, and some of these people can be in kind of, kind of in the world. They just aren't really in the workplace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you know what I mean? Like they're, they may be dependent on somebody and they may kind of look sometimes semi-normal and these days they get caps and things and so you, if they have like a family that's taken care of you, you miss the teeth part, but the teeth is a clue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Right. This is all a mess and, oh well, anyway, let's go eat. This chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Dr. Drew Pinsky. And I'll do some Instagram lives and stuff, and maybe we'll do Instagram live like, maybe routinely starting these shows or something. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, back to Josh's dick. So, uh, are you ever able to? I have, like, twice. I can when with myself, of course. Right, so what unfortunately he has to do is bring himself right to the point that he knows how to do and then include his partner in the behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really think it's, it's very hard to treat, and I think one of the reasons it's very hard to treat it is because it is so biological. It's just, I understand


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's guys that tend to be more on the premature side, it seems incomprehensible, but that's because that biology is so very, very different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, there is no, I mean, people talk about treatments and things, I've never seen anything that's really very effective. Other than, you gotta work, you have to have a steady partner, you have to work with him or her regularly on this, and they have to be sort of willing to kind of go along with it. So a big thing would be like a regular partner would probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watched you, or listened to you, or, or, or have you do what you need to do, and then get themselves involved in that in various ways. We gotta start with a coffee date first. I think the video we learned earlier on the show, send a video. Yeaah. Maybe with a full on how-to, and you get that, they are into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you know, some girls love it. All, all, right, it can be very effective, right? Yeaah. But, but all like, here, every time Tom asks a question about it, I keep thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you said you wanted to get back together with your ex, but uh, me and Miss Yearwood would love to go full throttle with you down here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, welcome, welcome. Look, I'm very excited to be here at day one of your mom's house studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. Well, I was asking about that mask. You clarified that it was a pup play mask. That could have been a Halloween mask. Nothing sexual. It doesn't look sexual. No, it's... The eyes do. The eyes are scaring me. The intensity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no queen over here. Number one. In Gene Studio there is. Is that right? Studio Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's a, here's a true test. Go ahead. How do you say the, the wax, uhm, that you color with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're making, you're gonna make me confess something. There's a word where I add that extra I, and it's, uh, aww, what the fuck is it? I can't say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I gotta think of it. It'll come to me. There's one where I add an eye too and I'm like, there's not, it's not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll bet. That's a hardcore college football fan's love. What are you guys wearing in your ears right now that aren't the headphones I have on my head that are sitting right next to you? Your ears are Gucci as fuck, but these are inner ear ones, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like your drivers that you keep texting me about. They love to tell you way too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say the name of the street that I remember? Yeah. Carondelet? Yeah, that's right. That name has stuck with me for some, it's such a weird name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carondelet. It's actually, I think you could name someone that. Yeah, no, you could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Until this moment, I've never even considered the fact of just the sheer volume of humans on this planet at any given point to billions of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A percentage of them probably do like to be scared and freaked the fuck out. It makes sense. Maybe that's what, maybe that's what the crack addicts are. That percentage of people that really enjoy that for weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also, I have a high tolerance for weed, but also, I'm a weed smoker. I would smoke my weed. A good, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got all the goodness of the white. Hooray!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what you'll do with that red hat, but oh well. It's unreal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic. I've read, uh, good honor, like I said, science. And uhm, you can actually have two kids from two different dads who are twins. Like there's a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough one for me, because you could be the best woman in the world, but if you were like, if you were everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Person to my daughter, great to me, I should say great to everybody, my daughter included, not just good to her, great to me. Uh, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If everything checked off and you were like, I'm a millionaire. You don't ever have to work again. I couldn't kiss you. I couldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is all I can think about. Not everything else you just listed at all. Like, we'd be flying to a Ravens game and I'd be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not 100% wrong, because it's not me that's getting the fart in my mouth. I am delivering the fart. And when you say it like that, I might be able to power past it for a few months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you imagine if I brought her over and you didn't know anything and then when we broke up, your guys would be like, why'd you guys split? I'd be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I wouldn't know that, like, I don't have, by the way, I've never had that precedent set where I'm like, I'm not gonna date any woman that ever, this is the first time it's ever been asked to me, and it's the first time it's ever been presented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually was, had that one time. What? Yeah, I was with, I was dating a black girl who wanted me to talk, to play that kind of shit in bed and I was like, nope. Really? No. No way. She said, call me names? Yes. Offensive names. And I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that, that crazy girl, no. That was not her. Another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just went through emails and saw one that you and I had said, and it was nothing, it was a simple joke, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I really don't remember what it was, but she was just like, fuck you, how dare you talk about me like that. And I was like, you clearly hacked my password, so I changed it, and I was like, leave me alone, I'll leave you alone, and that was it. But it really wasn't anything terribly offensive, she just was pissed that we were talking about her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was set up this way. It wasn't like this one time gradually got to getting crazier. Like it was, there was one time where she was staring me in the face so much and we were, we were done. I said to her,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you wanted me to call you a bitch. And she goes, I did. And I was like, holy shit. And that's where it started. Like she kept getting at it, like call me names. And I was like, I'm not going to fucking say, cause if I'm wrong, I mean, that is not going to be a good thing. But who knew how wrong I was allowed to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then bitch just became a thing, cause I didn't have a problem calling her that. Oh really? Yea, that's pretty, pretty banal. Whatever, if that's, I don't mind bitch, but yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whore, that slut, that stuff, if she was okay with that, I'm like, oh, that's your thing, that's fine. You're requesting it, but. So you were going, you were going along with that part of it? Yea, it would get a little bit, and then it got to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really don't remember, but I would probably say at that point,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still clothes on, just making out, talking and stuff like that. And then she started like, you know, and I was like, mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank God you asked. Man, I was just like, to this day, that's uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot about it until you played this, this romance here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so we're gonna move things around. Currently, right now, through January, audio only until we get in the studio and do video is Wednesday. Every Wednesday through January. When we hit February and we officially get in the studio, we're gonna slide audio to Monday, video to Tuesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, can I ask a question as an audience member and fan as well? So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We will have one Your Moms House YouTube page where all, uh, shows will live. That's right. And then a separate completely clips from all shows. Yes. As well. Yeah. That's great. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was my, he, so I'd like to have a rotating co-host at times that I vibe with, that I just think also I'd like to have promote and come on and laugh with, but uhm, he was the co-host for that. Basically, I introduced myself to anyone who doesn't know who the fuck I am, which is pretty much everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And reintroduce myself and I don't know that I've completely got, I don't think I ever really got into my story that deep on Crab Feast. I think I did on other podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and it got a lot of, uh, really good, uh, response and reviews and even Karen Kilgara from My Favorite Murder gave it a shout out and it was a huge bump, yeaah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very excited for the things ahead and to be here in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the premise of the honeydew is just highlighting and laughing at the low lights of life. Anytime you've ever felt thrown away or not good enough or it could be a life story, it could be an individual story, maybe it's a divorce or a firing from a job or whatever, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about, uh, the negative in life and laughing in the face of it and, and coming out on the other side and looking back and being like, God, I remember when I thought that shit was the worst and thank God that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called the honeydew because I was eating one night and and I didn't eat the honeydew out of my fruit cup because I never eat the honeydew out of my fruit cup and I don't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a serious, like, hate for honeydew. I just don't fuck with the honeydew. And then when I walked out, I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to- no, I want to laugh at that shit. Cause it's empowering and it's therapy and it's helpful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do too. There's a small percentage of people that do like honeydew, just like there's a small percentage of people that want farts in their fucking mouth from their loved ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. So we all agree that we'd lose a tooth. Easy. Easy. Easy. What's the next one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, this is what I look like. I live in Los Angeles. If the choice is to stay looking like this in LA, I'll beg it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if you, in your mind, are like, I wanna be fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My buddy walked up and dropped his pants to his god damn ankles like Bert did right there in the front of everybody and just peed. I just couldn't, I could not stop laughing. I was like, there's a hundred fucking people in here. You have three kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I thought you were going to go. I thought you were going to ask if I would shave the stash like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far, I will shit and piss in your yard. That's where I'm at. So far, I'm sure you have more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you wouldn't do that either? Hell no. No. Would you? No! You would?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll smoke meth with them once, but I'll keep my dick in my pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never once did I walk in the bedroom and be like, you're just going to jerk this real quick, why don't you get out of here and play some double dribble real quick and I'll come back and we'll switch. Cummy fucking controllers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not, no. I'm sure he's listening right now disappointed in Delaware, but uh, I wouldn't do that, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna, I don't wanna get it wrong. You wouldn't jerk off in front of your father? Let's just remind everybody that it's the honeydewpodcast.com. I'm Ryan Sickler on all social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here at Studio Jeans, yes. Oh my god. I'm very excited for what the future holds here at Studio Jeans, your mom's house. Yes, I'll be doing the Honeydew Podcast in Studio B. So exciting. I'm really excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much that goes, you know, there's so much that goes into starting something new and ending something you've been doing for such a long time. So I'm very excited and I really appreciate you guys making me a part of the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't wait to shit and piss in your yard. I'm doing that for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beginning in February. Currently audio on Wednesday. You will get audio, uh, Monday, video Tuesday in February. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, it's, life is so short and so many people suffer with anxiety and depression and talk therapy is one of the best ways to resolve anxiety and depression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just so excited. I can't wait to see all you guys there. And the Ride or Die tour keeps on rolling. February 23rd, I go to West Salem Springs, Oklahoma at the Cherokee Casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, February 28th through March 2nd, Madison, Wisconsin, the Come On Your Comedy Club on State. April 4th through 6th, Mini Appletits, Mini Soders at the Acme Comedy Club. May 10th and 11th, Tempe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Arizona at the Tempe Improv. May 31st through June 1st. I'm here. Right here. Right here. In Sperm Bank, California at Fla Pairs Comedy Club. And then June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Cum at the Dick Cum Improv. I'll take it linked at Christina P online. I will see you there, Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do have really fun guests. We have two people that we haven't had in your mom's house in a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm saying that Morton sponsors and we're, we are promised discounted meals at any location across the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, we've had to return, uh, I returned a couple of handbags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the good thing about jewelry is that the resale value is pretty high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, lesson learned though. Don't treat yourself too much. Lesson learned. You don't have two million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and I saw, uh, you, you went with a tour bus, you did your tour bus this time, and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I noticed that Burt was kind of showing off about his tour bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you think, I think this might be- Of a worse idea? Right, the fundamental difference in personalities between- I love Bert first of all, he's like a brother to me. Eh. Right. But-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the fundamental difference, like if I could sum it up between you and Bert, is that Bert will wrap his tour bus in a photograph of him, shirtless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was very curious about your bus life. How did you manage number twos on the bus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drunk rockers and stuff. But I imagine like drunk rock stars shit and diarrhea a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what would be really great? Is if you could build a plumbing system that when you flush it just shoots the poo out of the exhaust pipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, last night, we were winding down for our evening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you disappeared into the bathroom and I was like, are you going to make brown now? And you're like, no, no, I'm just going to go read. And then of course I put it together that you were browning because I heard the sounds and I started to smell the smells through the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then uhm, it was so interesting because you came out and you were like, alright, are we gonna make marital loves now? Like, and that's fine, I'm just saying it was interesting because there was no lag time, there was no


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And usually, like, I would be like, I'm gonna brown, I'm gonna take cool off, let the, let, let things settle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then go sexual? But not you, you went straight into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is uhm, you were way more affectionate. And I knew it, no I knew it, cause I was like, gosh, she's like, we were watching Sesame Street with the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were petting my head and I was like, this guy wants nookie, I know it. Cause normally you're not that affectionate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a- oh and also you brushed your teeth. Which I know is a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most girls. Yeah. Is that really, you wouldn't do that for just road beef?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, they're, they're just, yeah, lucky to have you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. I mean these sluts that buy the rub-rub shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She almost got in there with her. Yeah. But then, and then she was like, cause you just kept laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't say it though. Speaking of McDonald's, the, uh, McDaniels is what Cardi B calls it. McDaniels? McDaniels on her Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a dead raccoon inside of McDonald's. But some people eat raccoons in parts of this country, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, here's the deal, man. I mean, there's a lot of homeless people in San Francisco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all hilarious. This guy was lucky enough to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well as long as we're on animal clips, do you mind if I show you a clip that I found?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't let a rat clean out your dirty braces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've never seen you get this grossed out by stuff. Usually I'm the one. That's true. And I'm so excited I finally found your threshold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great drawing of the Try It Out guy. Oh my god. It's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that is a good point, I mean, I feel like we were told they did their due diligence and then they got upset about what we normally do, so whatever, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be Cho. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went to, I sometimes I go to this place in Malibu and I sit there and I have lunch and I just look at the ocean and I was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a couple next to me, it was like, uhm, like the rich, the rich guy. Yeah. And he's got like the hot 20-something year old model from. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, and they just kind of like, they went for a walk and they were having like a champagne boozy lunch and uh, and he, and he's, he's trying to woo her and get laid and you know, she's like, well in my country we don't have sunshine. And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I can't believe that because you're all the sunlight I need, like that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I- I don't have a good memory, I don't remember things. And he's like, well I hope you remember our first kiss. Like, I know, it was so rad. Cause I'm like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, wait, what, yes, I guess cause he just wants to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like sh- he would bring up a point and then she would over talk about it. Like, he's like, yeah, a friend of mine got fired, uh, the other day because he didn't observe the brand or something. She's like, I totally agree. It's so right to do what the boss tells you. Like, she's just so lame. Anyway, I'm judgin' her, I'm judgin' her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I know, and then he's like, what are your tattoos of? And then she goes, well, the first one is, uhm, Socrates, the unexamined life is not worth living. And I was like, oh my god, that's actually really smart, and that's like, something I live by. And then she's like, the other one is, uhm, Aristotle. And then she has like a fucking Aristotle quote. And I was like, oh my god, she is perfect. Like, it was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know that's what he wanted, cause this girl was clearly like a, like a Siberian model, like she really was cute, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just wanted to get it in there after lunch, like I think, cause it was a hotel, and I think he wanted to be like, let's just go, let's go right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just, like, well maybe like in 10 years when you have your full midlife crisis. Yeah. And you abandon the kids and me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uhm, I guess now that he's in prison we can talk some smack. Did you hear these rumors about Cosby that he would do a similar thing? What's going on with the Cosby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had heard a rumor, this is years ago. Mmhmm. Okay, Rudy. That the cause would have somebody pick out hoes too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he would have girls suck his peen through a fence. Did you hear that? What? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to God, I promise you that he would find hoes. You heard this. I heard this. But from a reputable show business insider source.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Consensually, you don't have to be drugged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know though, not if you're awake, he might be, he might like you lifeless, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might be annoyed that you're a chatty, kinda how you are with your Siberian sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's such a bizarre proclivity, like, I don't get it at all. There's the sleeping body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Convicted comedy friends, like, you can do one more hour of standup, but you have to talk about the darkest shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to be, to be completely honest, like I know he was funny when I was a kid, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think I could sit through any of those concert videos. Like I would watch Eddie Murphy over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't that crazy that he could entertain a nine-year-old? Yes. That his sensibility and his real stuff was just so dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I would also suggest if you're calling in and leaving a voicemail, please have your thoughts put together before you leave the voicemail. You may even want to write out a script of what you want to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I know, I didn't think he was joking though. I, that guy's all in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at his joy on his face. Look at the glee. Like, that is glee. That's something I haven't felt since I was four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look at that. And look at the stash. Is this from the 70s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, wait a minute, now this is opening up a whole new thing. Do you think Terry made that fuck sleeve then? Did he custom the double fuck sleeve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm bro-phobic, not homo-phobic, bromo. What's going on with my ear? See, that's too complicated. You look like Wolf Blitzer with all this shit in your ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't do it. I feel like the earbuds is too loud. And then I'm always worried about them falling out. I'm too self-conscious. Eugh, they look terrible on you. Really? You look like a total dad nerd. I kinda like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you look really stupid, I gotta tell you, I love you, so I'm gonna tell you, yeaah. It looks silly, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't look cool at all. You look like you should be out in, uh,