[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, well we, well it was almost a bit of a disaster, right Adam? Because like the, the elements were against us. We were all coming from different cities. The, the airports were in shambles. I was coming in from- What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of dinner are we? What are we, fondue? Michael's Steak Chalet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much did you have to pay for that? Because I know at Comic Con when you go get those pictures with the celebs, they- they be charging. Especially wrestlers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, last night I did a pretty cool move where I poured the liquid IV in my Bud Light and... And did that work? Yea, it did me alright. It foamed up a little bit. Uh, it overflowed like a science experiment from a child's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like right before we recorded, yeaah, like yeaah. Merely minutes ago, I-I vomited. Okay. Yeaah. I've already thrown up twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, don't drink the powder. This is Brozarks exclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making things happen and then they all just abandon us. What the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is interactive. You're at the Brozarks with us, guys. This is a really special moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's helping a little bit, but I, I puked right before we got on air. He did. It's not good. For some reason, like, I thought this whole, like, Brozarks live cast would be, like, a fun idea to do, like, in the afternoon. But you didn't bring your headphones, so. I woke our ass up at, like, 10 o'clock in the morning to, like, do this shit. That was rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Well we're gonna do a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A three pointer. Yeaah. From beyond the arc, a fellow puker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. When's the last time you watched when Steve Carell is like at the podium and he's controlling his mouth live on TV?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that movie would have won an Oscar if that was the case. Did it? I think it did, Claire. I think it, I think it got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm willing to bet $100 that Forrest Gump is longer than Shawshank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horace Gump was like two VHS's when it dropped. No it wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes, I'm paying you daily in Liquid IV, so drink up, pour that powder in your mouth or wherever you want to put that powder. It makes everything better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't resonate with me. Microwave us. Do you remember when they started to do the croissant pockets and they changed the fucking gazane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen somebody react to stocks like it's sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a little worried that Zach was like in charge of getting all this stuff done. He's just a surfer bro, a little like, but look at this guy, prepared as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite, growing up on the farm as a youth in Illinois, that was my favorite snack. Or mulberry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I don't know. Every night I cry myself to sleep wondering the same thing. Where have the mulberries gone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's jerking off and right as he busts, he catches a salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just woke up super early, you know. That was a big, big drinking weekend for me. It's the 4th of July weekend. Hell yeah, baby. Partied hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, he also wrote the very spooky horror movie, mah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guts have been speaking to me. Or do you think that's just the amount of beers I drank this past weekend has finally caught up to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought you were talking about the vice president for a second. I thought you were like Colonee, and I'm like, that's not even her name dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we think it's fine. You guys would eat baked beans that have been... I don't think I would. It's been about two weeks. I'm not a big leftist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my mom actually had a lot of them growing up. Yeah. Yeah, she had them all over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I must clean the scum off. It's the scum shot. Scrape the scum. Absolutely. Freakin' lully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're teaching us a lot on this podcast about like ejaculation ders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't know Pearl Jam was about, uh, was like, you know, E-Jack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all loops back to come with Jersey. Six degrees to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would rather get crimped. Maybe we can start that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting, I'm getting my nutsack crimped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's, there's truly a ticking cock. Yes. Or you could say- Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, isn't that, uh, like after the little scene after, uhm, the credits roll?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like some of those scenes should be pretty beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just with his bare hands, by the lip, it's flipping around and then, and then it cuts to him eating it. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And guess what? He doesn't have any laurys. What's he gonna use to season it with? Oooooh. Now that's nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alloy, is that what it's called? Yeah, it tastes exactly like, uh, from all the, uh, loads that I've swallowed, uh, swallowed, uh, not tasted, uh, salty and buttery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because you don't wanna be, you also should be scared of other, of STDs. Not just getting people pregnant. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also you should be wary of other STDs. It makes you want to wear condoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, every 18 year old man's household should just have an ice cream, ice cube tray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a glitch in the Matrix. Oh, by the way, when you guys were like giving me shit about, uh, men in black, and you guys were like, the cat, the cat's collar, it's a pug, it's a pug, you fools, and you guys were all like, you don't even know the movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys know, you guys kept saying cat's collar. We did, we did. That's my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, we have the perfect amount, the funniest number, I think we just stick there and don't get any bigger. I think that's a great idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we turn the account private please? Or maybe get bigger, get to like six hundred and sixty nine thousand or something. That'd be the next mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be a really huge deal. That's gonna be a super fun podcast. We just get mad stoned during it? That sounds awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, dude, it is your, where you sit all the time. You know, it will be mad uncomfortable. It's not like just a leg that you can keep extended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Cause you don't, they don't want them flapping around in those, uh, what kind of underwear do you ride?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how do you know this? Have you seen like sex videos with him or what? Of John Claude Van Damme?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a true, like, naked gun with you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just where it's a one million jokes, we try to pack as many dumb silly bits as we can into a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People just sliding in her DMs, uh, she was talking about the wedding on her Instagram or something and people were like, are you excited for everyone to be wearing kilts and sombreros? And she's like, Adam, what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He crushes so goddamn hard on every talk show, on every late night appearance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on every red carpet, he's just so goddamn good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then also, also, he is, he's not just phoning it in like that. Like, everything he does is really funny. Like, I think I saw something, I think it was like on Kimmel a few years ago, and he's promoting something, and he was just like, you know what Kimmel, I'm better telling stories when I'm on the move. Can I just be on the move?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then a treadmill rolls out and he gets on this, and then just dead sprints while telling this story to Kimmel, and it was so fucking funny. Legend. Just such a dumb idea that for sure they were like, yeah, we can get a treadmill here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, man. Yeaah, that movie rocked. You know what's gonna be Chris Farley before? Evidently? Yeaah. And then he died, yeaah, he died like while they were casting. He was cast, I guess. And then he died during that and they were like, eeeeh, Jim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was compared to what his other moves had done. And they paid him 20 plus million dollars to be the lead of it, so they, the budget was huge and I think it ended up making a lot of money, but not initially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That movie, uh, is not that good. I, I also love the movie. I rewatched it fairly recently. Within the last, within, I think like during quarantine. And I just remember it being, just cause I love Andy Kaufman so much. Like that's the, he was one of the reasons I got a job working at The Improv when I was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, it just was fucking boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, what a like dumb flex that is for like actors to just be like, it's my process to go like full method and you're like, well then you're kind of a bad actor. If you can't, cause it's a craft, right? So you should be able to prepare it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when it's time to execute it, execute it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like- It's like if you're a boxer, you're not just fucking walking around hitting everyone all the time, like ready to fucking throw down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he was playing Andy Kaufman who would have done something exactly like that. So, you know, and Jim Carrey is, is a genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess points! I think my favorite, uh, is just the classic Dumb and Dumber. I remember, I'm the one I first saw that movie. I didn't know who Jeff Daniels was. I had no idea. Never saw Ragnophobia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, Ace Ventura came out when I was in like fourth grade. It was just like that's- he was the only guy for me. I was like, he is my biggest movie star in my world, and anything he does is gold. And by the time he got to Dumb and Dumber, I'm like, mint him, put him on Mount Rushmore, this guy's a fucking god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and if he, if he like died in a cool way, he should have done heroin and died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do my thing. I bet it was a little, because he considers himself like an actor-actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so I wonder if, well like, I wonder how much like, like a lot of times those guys like, don't like the improv, because they feel like it takes away from the craft of acting. So I wonder how he was on set, because I'm assuming Jim,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can write Ace Ventura. We can just write a full on absolutely insane 2 billion jokes coming out of rhinoceros assholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like programmed yourself? Jim Carrey was such a hero to you that you had to beat this into your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's Iso that on the mix and then bring it back right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay. It's science. Kyle, you should watch it, cause I can see... I'm glad you didn't watch it when that movie came out, cause I can see you getting like really into like, counting numbers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a very wildly horny youth group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Kyle, you were talking to us about your, uh, horrible, horrific acne. Oh my god, baby, let's talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk zits. Let's talk about zits and pimps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nose crevasse. That's a painful area to have a zit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a cluster. So you said that was, it was from, it was from, uh, wearing the face mask. But that's way up on your temple. That's not a face mask. That's just, uh. No, it is a face mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys have to, did you guys have bad acting when you were kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I had, I bet we were kind of in the same boat. I was a late bloomer. And I, uh, everyone kind of went through puberty before, before me. And then by the time I went through it, a lot of my friends were like done. I was like 17, 18 by the time I was like really stretching out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and then I kinda got it, and my mom threw me on Accutane, if you remember that drug. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, it was like you had to go to the, the dermatologist, and then once you're on it, it like just dries out your skin, so you look like just a flaky fucking, you look like a pastry, you look flaky as hell, and then, uh, and then every time that you go back to the dermatologist, they're like, hey, can we talk? And I'm like, yeaah, and then they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure. Oh, the, uh, oxy cleans. Yeaah. Those are so bad for your face. Oh, for sure. They just dry you the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh damn. Uh, well I had some, ours were Oxypads. We were an Oxypad family. But yea, Stridex I believe is the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you guys, uh, do you guys, uh, during this, uh, pandemic and even before the pandemic, are you guys getting like, uh, zits and rashes on your ding-dongs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Embarrassed and weird about wearing makeup, uhm, that I, 100% of the time I'd go to school and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's probably the proper way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I'm very grossed out, uh, every time I see one. I'm not, I'm not on board with it. Uh, and I'm also not on board with popping my own zits, like every time I do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a guy. I have a guy. He lives in my house. He's just ready to go. He's ready to pop. Uh, no, I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do it, but it, it's, I do it, uh, without, uh, enthusiasm. What, what, what does that mean? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, because you want to just leave it, I think the best thing for your skin is just to leave it. What, I think what it all stems from is Penningdivine, my mom, was fucking wild. Every time she saw us it, it was game on, she's popping it, and I have scars all around, on my temples. Oh my god. My fucking mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just popping my zits as if it's a fucking party. Like, she just like went-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she thought she was, she thought she was doing a good job. Uh, and in hindsight, she scarred me. Penny, I hope you listen to this. In several ways. In several ways. I think she is. What does that mean, Blake?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope someone's cooking while, uh, listening to this podcast right now. This is the podcast they put on when they make their pan-fried steaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So none of us have ever had this. Is this like you get this when you're like in the like the true jungle or something or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't done a lot of, uh, Bolivia camping now. No, not a lot of Bolivia camping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just read an article, uh, coronavirus, it was pretty tight, uh, about, uh, Iquitos-ters, that they've been hit, like, the hardest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, from coronavirus. Oh wow. And people there were having a really hard time. Me and Dyrs went to Iquitos, Peru. Uhm, which is like the town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's a city, it's a, it's a small city, uh, that is the farthest, deepest into the jungle that you go to before you actually head up into the Amazon, up the Amazon River. Right. Uh, that we did for, um, bad ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it was pretty, it was pretty, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was like that. I wanted to taste some dog. There were dogs everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know that they're saying in L- in LA, uh, well I'm surprised Blake hasn't gotten it, cause he hangs with the crew. They also, it's not that you're hanging with many people, it's you're hanging with the crew that are hanging with a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I think you would, uh, get bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they're saying now? I'm waiting for that supreme injection. My, uh, my smart fiancee, uh, told me in an article she read, not me. Are these your vows? So I might get some stacks, uh, some stats wrong, but she says that... Allegedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one in three people right now, uh, in L.A. County have had coronavirus. So we're one in three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is that allegedly or is that a fact, Jack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. He's a real player. I love Richard Dreyfus. Now do we think Richard Dreyfus is a nice guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good. Was Richard Dreyfuss ever like, I can't imagine him as a young person. Like I remember a hard time thinking of him as like a 25 or 35 year old guy. He was always 50 years old to me. Was he a hot young guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anna saying Richard was only nominated in 1995 for Mr. Highland's surface. Only nominated, so... Loser!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, can we, can we promise that whatever project that we work on together next, uh, that we, uh, have that exact shot that we're talking about now? I promise to open with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. High school was such an absolutely insane time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In high school, the car in front of me, like I came up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was about a hundred yards in front of us and it took a turn and all of a sudden we just saw the like taillights just disappear and we go around this bend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we come, and we're like, ah, all of our friends are dead, 100%. I'm about to walk up to a mass graveyard, a mass grave, and uh, climb down, and they just all came out and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it was like the fact that there were so many kids piled in that car. Yeah, Suzuki isn't. Shaved them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people, right? No, and so like the overflow went into my car, so I had like two or three guys in my car and then there were still like five or six guys in the Suzuki.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought mine a year before I even turned 16. I bought it when I was 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was such a maniac in high school too because I thought getting different beer caps was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could close my eyes and imagine Blake just soaking wet with zit pus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just you not using napkins. They were, they were primed for that mustache. They were getting ready. They were like, the hair follicles are growing up there. This is the only place that we can sprout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, that's exciting. I never, uh, I never, yeaah, never got that. I didn't really have any sort of hair growth at all in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for sure, that's for sure like a weird kink that for sure thousands of people, this is how weird the earth is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that there's like for sure thousands of people on planet Earth that get off on the puss sucking because humans are foul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's he doing now? He's just a sad sack of shit now, or he got his life together? No, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was, but it was just you and Blake in your backyard right, right after doing some backyard wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a very scandalous place. It's scandalous. That's how mine was too. It was, it was a very wildly horny youth group. It was just Operation, like we had to like do our prayers, but then it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At a, uh, at a church sleepover, the first time that I found out that girls were horny, like someone came up and said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, hey, Lindsay thinks you're hot, she's horny for you. And I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, a bunch of girls from my high school just went and on Facebook, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're like reading notes aloud that people have sent and there's like tons of notes from me. Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like her a lot. I hope she likes me. Circle yes or no if you think she does. Right. Just like true like little kid shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You dressed like Kevin Federline or Kevin Federline dressed like you because it wasn't, it was so natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And actually hats off. And actually hats off. No hats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that is, we were, we were more adults by that point. We'd been out and about by Comic Con. But yes, Comic Con, anything should go, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five or six or seven years in a row. I missed a handful of them towards the end, but we, we went to a solid three or four in a row altogether as a crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Isaac's saying that you, Kyle, lit your pants on fire? Because you were pissed at the man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of it is that it did start to slow down Comic Con. Without a doubt it did. Because it was more wild the first handful of years that we did. But also I think that we're just getting older and we aren't as wiling out as hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were very cool to be so cool with us about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the Broad City girls did the exact same thing to me. I was at some New York


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Comedy Central Party and they came up to me and were like, hey, we have a TV show that's about to come out, uh, and we're basically the female version of Workaholics. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. Go get you some girls. Allegedly. Allegedly. That's what happened to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I saw Jeffrey Dean Morgan and thought that he was the guy from, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a few thousand people there. It was, uh, it was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey dude, I'm, I'm all for it. I wanna, I wanna get, uh, way deep into guns. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I have a full tummy gun with a circular, uh, drum. Yeaah, I have a drum. You are such bugsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It won't explode, but uh, it will get stuck sometimes, and you just have to hold on until it runs out of bullets. And it's actually terrifying. Where are you shooting it? Is it real? Where are you shooting it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's awesome though, is you can actually shoot, you could go clay shooting in the ocean. You just gotta go out, uh, to international waters, which is just three miles off, and then you can shoot clays. Which I haven't done yet, but I'd like to. Uh, no, I go in the country when I'm back home in Nebraska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I get like an, like an old, uh, uh, tea, what is it? Not a, not a tea model, but a model tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, the perfect time for music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're like, we're 50. We're not going to be boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is... Smith? Where's Smith coming from? I think that's like English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we looking into if Smith is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we not do that? No, but is that what you want somebody else to look into? What's the search you want? What's the Google?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compared to Divine in Ireland. In Ireland. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck them. Yeah, Durz already chose size. Durz is in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but it says 9,425th. I don't understand that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake, do you get as equally mad when people say strawberry blonde?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they already are. I think they're already like making a big...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, he's pecking at the rear view mirrors? What, isn't he ruined it by pecking? At the side mirrors, at the side mirrors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yessir. My name is at Ellis Island Spelling for sure. There's no other Neuachex out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supposedly our name is Novacek. Oh, that's so tight. Which in Czechoslovakia is like Smith. Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's exactly like Smith. And it comes full circle. So well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just let the computer pick your password and then recognize your face. Isn't that how you guys do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, with a hat and a wristband. No, yeah, you could do Chorus Lite for like four days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said it was great, and it was the best. Was it served warm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, alright, alright. Serious time. Yes, copy you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one snatched mine off my minivan. That's crazy.


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[Assistant] Over the course of the time I was a paperboy and they were popular?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Let's remain serious. We're remaining serious for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have great ideas. I hope it's on the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember having the same vibe from getting a hamburger at Del Taco. Well see, that's the thing. This is a little, like, I don't know how I feel about this. And they have french fries at Del Taco? If you know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, wow. I do not like steak. Those are the worst. Very hard to cook. I don't know, I don't dislike steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm, I think I'm straight cut, thinner the better. So you're talking shoestring french fries. Okay, that's your top? That's it. Shoestring french fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they are. They're shoestring. They're shoestring. Well, what is that? That's a thin cut. That's a thin cut straight fry. No, no, no. Stop it. Stop it. No, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a hash brown a french fry? That's the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just told me about a tiny hash brown, not a fucking french fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm asking, if that's a french fry, then is a hash brown a fucking french fry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be rocking the boat. Like dehydrated peas. No, copy you. There was no rocking of the boat. Copy you. Now we're just saying stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a lot of them. They're good. Check out this Featherstone. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, damn. You should have said, fucking, I need explanation. Did you hear that one? Fucking, I need explanation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that was a good explanation of that. What is it Adam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys had these? Do you not like them or what's up? I can't get down with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's the worst. And then once it, once the, once it like pops out with me, like it's just like blue. All of a sudden there's hell of more space, dude. Like it just fills very quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, speaking of money, uh, 300 bucks coming to me soon. 300 bucks? What do you want me to do, send you cash?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even understand what the fuck this is. NFT, you've got an item that's like- It's a new fungible token.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I apologize. I apologize for saying, ooh yes pubes. What's up? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys catch that? You got anything left? I did it just to apologize for farting. Okay, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sick ass french toast brand. Yea, you're right. You don't remember that? You remember french toast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Levi's and Jerbo, I had a pair of Jerbo's. That's the best jeans I ever had, bro. What are you talking about? French toast brand. You can't just say- I'm talking about French toast brand jeans. This dude's mom made him jeans and was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you were, you were awake, you were awake, right? I was awake. Yea, I went into the doctor's office. Yea, walk us through this. I went into the doctor's office and they basically were like, okay, sit down right here and put this little, you know, undress from the waist down and put this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they go through the bottle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, not at that point, but that's what they were doing. They were cleaning it for the numbing, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did she, did she use her mouth? No, tell us the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the Loch Ness Monster. I felt safe. Okay? Let's just say I felt safe. Then the doctor comes in and says like, yo, I want to listen to some music, why don't you pick some music?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so then I decide, I decide it's not the right track. It's not the right track though. I said, I quickly, they're coming in and I was like, Alexa, play Miles Davis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the whole thing after that was this like fucking wild ass Miles Davis track that just like was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hands were cold, everything about it was cold. There was not a warm part of this whole situation. It was all cold. And now you think they would want...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually think the cold is set up for a reason because it constricts everything so that they're not making wrong incisions or like following around the vein, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your vast deference, but your vast deference stays closer to the surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So doctor comes in, yeaah, so doc, doctor comes in, he says, how you doing? I say, I'm fine. He, he gets another napkin on it and pulls just my nuts through a little hole, right? And so that's now his operating zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically a grow- a grow- a glory hole. There we go. You're pulling the nuts through and then that's what he's working on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he proceeds to like, uhm, you know, stab me with the, inject me with the local anesthetic on one side. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? How long is the needle? Do you see the needle? Like, this is when I was like, oh no, I'm so scared about this right now. I didn't look at the needle, but it like- How long is the needle? I don't- I would- I don't know. I didn't look, dude. I was looking straight up and I just felt it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My 2020 hindsight is I probably would have gone with some fucking Metallica or some Pantera or something like that. I think it would have been a better soundtrack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was freaking me out dude, like the fucking, like it was definitely a surreal jazz movement happening in the background and I was a little, it made me nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he did one side, he cut in and did it, that was probably about five minutes or so, and that's when I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I seriously said to him, I'm like, oh, well, hey, you got me by the balls for this pitch. And he was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy, you had to repeat it? Yes, points! The man was like, no, he just didn't get it. I'm like, well, you know, there's like an elevator pitch. That's what people say, have your elevator pitch. This is like, you got the pitch when you have your patience by the balls. And he was like, do you want to hear the story or not? Like, he did not understand that. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he pitches me, so yeaah, so he pitches me this, this story, and then I'm like, alright, and he's like, and then he's like, oh shoot, where did the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, in order to reach the blanks in the clip, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm smoking weed. I'm smoking weed. I'm smoking joint after joint after joint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like when I go pee, I have to kind of like, wait, what's a mad ball? Cause I feel


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uhm, I was actually, I wasn't scared until like, you know, like when I got there and I started being like, you know what, I'm going to hit up the chat. Then I feel like I was legit hitting up that chat for support. You were hitting up a lot of chats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys were right there while I was doing it cause I was like, help me, help me. Like this is, I'm fucking scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wondering if that changed your relationship with wildlife because what I saw in the video was very like, uh, poetic and beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you would struggle with a deer, for real? I really think you would struggle with a deer, bro. A deer would-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have those big swans. You have a club in your hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was wondering with the whole deer thing. It looked like he was having a relationship. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Possums are, they're mean too, but. Possums are like, aren't they like 90% rabid though? Like, like they just carry rabies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right on. The Miles Davis was a stroke of genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just right there, just ready to get pulled over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shrimp tacos must be an aphrodisiac cause I wanna fuck everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diving head first in the Christmas tree, all drunk as shit. I got wet in reckless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a bad boy. Just a regular boy. I wouldn't say I'm a bad boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saturday. And I love doing it on Saturdays.


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[Assistant] I get in high school every once in a while. Left the car back. I drank at a bar outside. Holy shoot, that's so high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was pretty high school. Outside, I felt like I was in a parking lot. Like waiting to go in somewhere. Nice. Remember that? Did you guys do a lot of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Kyle had really, really bad hangovers. Just how he explains his hangovers to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Treat yourself to... What's night night juice? The shit you drink? Well that's what I'm naming it and I'm probably


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when I mix energy drinks with soda water to cut the taste of the energy drinks, that's my go-go juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello! Hello! There it is. There's that soundboard. I was waiting for you to cue that bad boy up. Hey, good morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my, that's my favorite. You didn't sippy sippy jug on a, on a Friday? That doesn't seem like the Blake Anderson I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's the, that's the goal, right? Is to get so successful that then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can be in movies like that when you're like 60 years old, and you're just like, sure, I'm in the Tooth Fairy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You work two weeks, your grandkids love you. They're like, I watched the Tooth Fairy. That's the goal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, that was when he signed that deal with Disney. He, he like leaned down because he like didn't want to frighten the children, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it would. I will say when he cusses, it seems unbelievably forced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean honestly, he's like, it doesn't feel like he, like it flows naturally. And it probably did, like when he was a kid, in his youth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I think like years of like media training and just building himself to be the rock. Now when he does it he's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, hey, so Kevin Hart is a tiny little- Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they, they don't like each other? Cause they were the two, they were the two beef boys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that, the Italian job is what made Mini Coopers, like, cool. Like, before, before that movie, Mini Coopers were like, oh, I'm not gonna drive that whack-ass little thing. And then after that movie came out, now I see him and I'm like, oh, I bet that, I bet that's a little zippy. That's Statham and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jason Statham is in the Italian job. He is in that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Marcus Wahlberg. Charles Theron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did play a cool, creepy, uh, professor in Animal House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Kiefer rocks too. That's what I'm saying. He's also 85 years old. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's still, he's still crushing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, Donald rules then if you have kefir. You know, kefir's like a fuckin' party animal. Yea, he's a fun guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy, I feel like we were living together about 10 or 15 years ago, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it was the chateau, but I do think it was like a nice hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then you're like, you know what? I do want a $28 salad. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna treat myself to a $28 chicken salad. With grated parmesan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I tell you that? That's a real thing. Lycus is my neighbor in Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm on like a, uh, a neighborhood email train. Oh good. And I figured that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's not saying anything. He's just like a dumb jock. He's like not saying anything. He's just hanging out with like porn stars and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he got like beat up. I remember hearing about that. Why? Because, uh, cause he like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, it had to have been before. It says, years act of 1972, now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, like the day after, and I remember we were working on Workaholics, and I was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's, it's, it is fucked up. Canada's like weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, he was acqui- he didn't murder the person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and you've had a, you had a DUI when you were like, you know, 21 or whatever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, yea, you had like a 13 year old DUI, like when you were 13. You then can't go to Canada? Is that true?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you get involved in your DUI from over 10 years ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like it would be too much fun. It's not that fun. Very scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uber and Lyft and stuff, it's like so easy not to now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That feels like it's the name of like two hundred nineteen nineties Blake's favorite decade pornos, right? Yeah, or wet and restless. No, that's definitely a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you could just, I mean, I mean, public intoxication is a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you can be too drunk to be in public and they can give you a ticket, which that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd your friend die? You are driving when you get a wet and reckless, but you have to blow under .08.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then that is wet and reckless, where it's like, yes, you have been drinking, but you're not over the legal limit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to drive your car into the ocean or a lake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then get out and run back and go to the next house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We thought, like, a great white was coming up from underneath us, and Durr's fucking swam so goddamn quick. I was swimming as fast as I possibly can, and he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was behind me and he was already on the boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the time I, by the time I realized we were swimming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. I wanted to play sports. My parents were so fucking cheap. They were like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was blind during that time. And uh, he would like, kinda get confused and come out of his room, not really knowing where he was, just jerking off, and then he had to kick our dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you're able to come. You're really bad at throwing rocks because you couldn't see. So I would just like yelp as if I was a dog. You would throw a rock and I'd be like- That was you? Yeah, I'd go, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at, you know, I was, I was bad, I did something wrong, and she's like, you have to spake him to my dad, and then my dad would put on like a fake, I'm mad voice, cause my dad didn't give a shit. He didn't really care. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, oh god, okay, uh. I care about disciplining you. He did care about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get down here. And I'm like, that's a fake voice. That's not real. And I go down and he would spank me, but he would pull the spanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Ren and Simpy? Yeah, I remember I was like 10 years old and I called her, I called her a bitch. Oooooh. That's, that's, that's what I'm


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I was like, probably like seven or eight or something. I was like, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I pushed, I definitely, yeaah, I pushed those buttons. Well, I think that was a good life lesson that I learned. Cause it was immediate. She didn't, she didn't wait even a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, still in the news, she's accusing someone of, uh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] sexual assaults or something like that. And I was like, how did this girl get famous? I couldn't remember, but it's, it was, she was like a bad kid on Dr. Phil, is that right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, any take backs, apologies, epic slams?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What have we got today, guys? What epic slams do we have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's uh, he's 5'9", okay. So he's down here with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to be stuck in your hotel room all the time now. Welcome back. The best. Take a walkabout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So really, in order to understand, uh, Game Over Man, you have to know Kyle's younger


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, and that's what I want this podcast to be, the logistics of how the actors get paid, uh, on the- I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get our lawyer, let's call Jeff in here and see if he can really break it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's the impression that everyone did for years and years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, you, that was such a small bomb rip. Okay, let's hear it. Okay, eat a dick. I would, I would love to if it's yours. Where's your lighter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't hear a fucking thing, dude. Why can't we hear it? You guys are lying. No, swear to you. There's no- I guess this tells us how good Kyle is. Okay, okay, let's hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, see that was a real short hit. That was a short, short hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got all this weed for uhm, so I'm going to Charleston, right? To shoot the Righteous Jemstones. And so I bought all this weed. Kyle, do you think I can go on the plane with this amount of weed that I'm about to show you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm really messing with lately is the packs of these little joints called selfies and there's 12 mini pre-rolls that comes in one pack


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well I just came back, when I came back from Mexico after doing, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, as we're going through, you know how they have the like, uh, drug sniffing dog that smells you when you're coming back through customs? There's two lines. And the line that I was in, there's no dog. And it was smooth sailing. And I'm like, yeaah. And then Chloe goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm good. Right. So I walked back and had this dog smell my bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and the dog didn't give a shit. I had like three joints on me, it just didn't. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you say that until you visit Thailand and all of a sudden you're in a hut with bamboo shoots going through your, you know, underneath your fingernails. Oh, you're saying torture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then every once in a while it's just like a stoner. It was like she was this stoner friend. Stephanie, this stoner friend, she wore hemp necklaces and had beads in her hair. We all love Stephanie. And then Stephanie brings like a gram of marijuana to the Philippines or where the fuck ever. And suddenly she's locked away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt pretty confident in uhm, going to Mexico, cause I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, when you walk through those little things at LAX and it spins around the like x-ray machine that like does the full body scan, it can see if you have- A ton of balloons. A little, uh, cocaine nugget up your asshole. A little dick. Yeah, for sure, cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's you, have you ever seen the video of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, it read that there was something in my pocket and I turn my, I'm like, no, I don't have anything in my pockets. And I like, I like to turn my pockets inside out. And the guy's like, okay. And this white woman goes, no, no, what is that? What is that? There's something in your pocket right there. And I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ma'am, that's my rocket dog. Listen, white lady. And then this black woman who was right next to her, lost, who was also, uh, uh, uh, worked at the, what do they call them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compliment on the, uh, outline of my dick made me feel really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it looked like I had something stuffed in my pants, because my jeans were too tight. What happened was I was on tour, I think, uh, my ass grew, so then therefore made the thighs and ass region cling onto, uh, my dick and ass region.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad pants are getting back to where they're wearable again. Like, uh, like skin tight jeans are, are, um, are, are out of fashion right now. Thank God. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish, I wish I was that fast. High-waisted ones are pretty tight. Fashionable, yeah, cause that's mad comfy. You ever put on some? Yeah. Like every once in a while when you would like have to wear like a dress pant and it's more high-waisted. I like that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I do. Yes, I do. That was such a insane time. I just watched the Britney Spears documentary, which I think we talked about a few weeks ago, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the amount of footage that they showed of just girls, like, in the, like, waiting in line to see Britney back in, like, the early 2000s, wearing those jeans, was out of control. I'm like, I think I'm gonna be a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think they're assuming if, uh, you're an adult and you wear that Spider-Man costume, you don't have a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about Halloween around kids. Just like, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] sick and then as they were saying I was like I'm sick and then like oh what do you have and I'm like drunk and they're like so you're drunk and I'm like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For being drunk and you were a, uh, delivery driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we got so drunk. We went to, uhm, the one on Fairfax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're nears, but no, I don't think they're, I don't think they're brother, sister, bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a dirty, it was a dirty Irish, uh, dive bar that like had, uh, what was the, what's the, the big Irish band that, uh. Flogging Molly's? Flogging Molly was always there. They were constantly flogging Molly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, Irish music's really, you're not really listening to it, uh, any other time of year, but on St. Paddy's Day, it, it, it snaps. It snaps, crackles, and pops. Yeah, it feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is amazing how, uh, often we thought our friends weren't gonna die and how we were right every time. The fact that we didn't just lose a buddy in the hallway because we just allowed him to sleep there and, uh, you know, he vomed on himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the best gig. Budweiser just paid us to drink Budweiser to be seen drinking... Not Bud Lights. Only Bud Heavies 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they fly, did they send that camera out to you or how'd you get it? Oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you remember, like, some giant man came over and was like, clear the way, clear the way. And we're like, okay, we're just in right here, we can be here. And he like kind of pushed us away, and I was like a little bit like, yea, what the fuck, man. Adam defined. We have the backstage passes, we're here, like, what are you doing? And uh, all of a sudden, it smelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I feel like we don't get that starstruck, that aw- you have to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you're just an actor or just a musician that you consider you're kind of a peer or some, you know, you came up on the same time, you're like, yeah, yeah, that guy, cool. Uh, but with Beyonce, I was like, go, go, go, go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, she was in, uh, Goldmember. Also ours, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Derz would have had a great time because uh, Isaac had to get the, at least this is what happened to me. Isaac our manager. Uh, Isaac our manager. He had to get the manager to open up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wake me up, pack my bags, drug me to the car, then the guy that we've been drinking with all night long, up until like three hours before we had to leave, drove us to the airport still drunk, like literally drinking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realized what was going on and who was there? It was in hindsight, in hindsight he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was like, oh, that was a really bad idea. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how Isaac is listening to this right now, our manager, and he's telling us stories that we literally just told 15 minutes ago.


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[Assistant] When we were in Philly, they played like on the rocky steps, that's where the stage was, and then there's this beautiful fountain that's like spitting out water, and then it started to rain during the set, and they had like a little, uh, VIP


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[Assistant] Yeah, hit us with a- with one that we're all gonna be like, we know this one, we love this one. Oh my god. Okay, yeah, I got it. I got it. I got it.


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[Assistant] Zach and Cody. It's iCarly, and it's, it's weirdly, I kind of look like that kid. I mean, I definitely was fatter than he was as a child. Drake and Josh, is that the guy? No, no, no. And it's iCarly. Don't get me started on Drake.


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[Assistant] Well, Todd is saying he's gonna add all these songs to the This Is Important mix at importantmix.com. So, if you are like, oh my god, I can't wait to listen to that Hilary Dove song.


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[Assistant] Uh, well it depends, cause I think it's kick butt, and I-


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[Assistant] I think most people would agree that it's probably bad, but I like it, and I know there's probably a few people out there, like me, who just like really bad music, and that's their style and taste. Most people have bad taste, right?


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[Assistant] One chance, I would put my life on the line, I would bet my life that if we could go back to high school


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[Assistant] I'm not buying that. Kyle's crying to that shit. I know, I know, I know I was.


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[Assistant] Well for sure I was also making fun of Creed 2. Like I was making fun of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything, dude! There was so much good hip-hop at this time, I can't believe you guys. I c- I couldn't like anything, I had to make fun of everything. But, uh,


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[Assistant] What was Kid Rock? What was Kid Rock? I don't know. Alright Kyle, well I think, hey, yo homie, what up? Flippin' floppin'.


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[Assistant] I don't know if I would cry, and he goes, imagine you're on a beautiful vista.


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[Assistant] I'd like to take back, uh, the fact that I was kinda putting on... I was kinda...


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[Assistant] Telling Kyle who he should like, what he should like, and even though I know for a fact if I was going to high school with Kyle,


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[Assistant] I would've taken him to a beautiful vista, I would've played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Creed song. And I know he would have cried. I know I would have like brought up, uh, like a girlfriend or an ex-girlfriend and just been like, yo, what's that about? And then he would, and then I would have, he would have started to tell a story. I would have very sweetly and quickly touched play.


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[Assistant] Grouch and Eli, shout out. And also don't be afraid to, uh, play a little Artelexis, uh, some deep cut Artelexis jams from Everclear. I like Everclear. Everclear has three amazing songs. Other members of the band, uh, Craig Montoya, and I forget the third guy's name, but, uh, they're, they're pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking at it right now.


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[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's the most important, bottom line, critical thing happening on this planet. Today on This Is Important.


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[Assistant] Temecula, when you look at it on a map or whatever it looks like, tarantula.


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[Assistant] Can we just, can we move the, the, the frame just a little to the left, your right? Oh, your right. It's definitely. It's really hugging that window.


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[Assistant] Yeah, look out. Top secret. Look out world. Top secret.


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[Assistant] It is, it's fucking great, but you have to wear a mask and goggles on set until they're like, and we're gonna call action, and then they pull it off your face, you act for a little bit, and then they just put it right back on you. So it kinda sucks. Uhm, and I was working with a baby all week.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's, it's not a remake of Three Men and a Little Lady or Baby or... I, I think I'd be in that if, if it was happening. Or Look Who's Talking Now. So I had to, I had to really quarantine and just fucking be at this hotel, which is a great hotel, but like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, first, the first stop is the tit stop. Uh, or bazoombas, your father would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the tits, and then it's the love handles. It's just that. You know, legs stay fine, the face can go a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The old spare tire, you get the old spare tire. I do feel like it is a four week clean up job. Where if I'm like, you know what, if I eat well for four weeks, it looks okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I bet you got a, you have a decent beard, right? It's the mustache that's tough, right?


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[Assistant] You feel like you're not getting it done, like you're not operating.


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[Assistant] And you made him take it. You gotta take your mask off and tell me. Take your mask off and let me breathe on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys think, uh, Temecula when you look at it on a map or whatever it looks like, tarantula? I do. Every time.


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[Assistant] Is this a bet of, of, like, chance? Or like, are we gonna get hit by an asteroid? Or is this something that you're gonna try and accomplish? Or what's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, hang on. Blake, we're doing a podcast. We're not sitting on the back porch drinking beers. Play 10 seconds of the other songs for everyone else at home who's jamming on the pod.


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[Assistant] I thought it'd be cool cause like, like the Dua Lipa song for me is like a thing that comes out of the gym that you're like, fuck, this song again? Alright, I guess I'll keep getting ripped. Oh my gosh. Anytime it comes on.


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[Assistant] I know, I know Blake's saying, we still want to hear the other songs and so do those people at home.


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[Assistant] The sound mus- things that chords strike.


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[Assistant] Yes. And imagine being the dude who made it, and you're like, hang on, let me put this on the song.


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[Assistant] And she's like 5'11 or 5'10. I remember seeing her at some MTV awards in person and being like, Oh, got it. Cool. Got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No yeaah, I like it. Hey, I'm right there, I'm coming for ya.


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[Assistant] So this is back to the guarantee thing. Yeah, they're telling us we have covered this.


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[Assistant] He's strong. But like, he is crunk. This is back to the guarantee. You're just like...


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[Assistant] Thank you. You might be fatter, but you're way more handsome than Post Malone. Post Malone, eh? I don't know, I think he's hot. No, Post Malone looks like he's, he's got, you know when you put pantyhose on your face to go rob a bank? Sure. That motherfucker's got some Playtex over his face. His whole face looks like it's getting pulled back.


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[Assistant] It's a French word, yeaah. But he took German in high school, I got your back dude, he didn't know.


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[Assistant] Well the thing is- Blake is taking his song versus the field. So if you've already picked one that's better, you pick the field. It doesn't matter. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. The future. They're like the future. It's just the most insulated development where it's just like me, my brother, we were homeschooled, we made these fucking songs, they're totally different. What else did they do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though? That's a sound. That's a sound. That sounds like that dude whose name is like Frankie Orange County or whatever. Johnny O.C. Uh, Rex Orange County. Yeah, it's like the same kind of like, right? Am I crazy or am I just 39?


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[Assistant] You saw my body move. Put your car keys on the table.


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[Assistant] What, cause he's paying out 100 and we're paying out three times 100?


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[Assistant] Okay, how do you split it down the middle? Adam's joining Blake. Right, so that's- Dua Lipa wins. They- we pay them $200. When Dua Lipa loses, they pay us $200. But they should have to pay each of us $200.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut your fucking hair. Why are you afraid to cut your hair, you bitch? No, I'm not gonna kink shame you, but you like to jerk off to...


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[Assistant] Well, you know what they say, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. They do say that. They do say that. That's what I heard. That's the saying I heard.


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[Assistant] By the time we're at 40 on this pod, we're gonna have just a sick little string of Adam's workout tips and body dysmorphia.


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[Assistant] I have noticed you're leaning into the...


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[Assistant] Manudo. Little did I know is that Pepto Bismol's been like going at this like song and dance diarrhea for a minute. There's a wealth of commercials to draw from.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to be the guy on the street that people used to yell tight butthole to and now go, it's diarrhea guy!


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[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta do one, we gotta do a pod where we get really hammered. I'm actually switching over, I'm starting an event that I'm calling, uhm, a December to remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is what I'm trademarking. Hopefully that's never been done before. No, no, I've never heard of that.


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[Assistant] Since, uh, since like, uh, you know, we're not going to any holiday parties and I really won't have any chances to black out, I'm really looking forward to remembering December completely and I will be drinking NA beers for the month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to taste test them. There's so many options. I, uh, last week I tried the, the, um, Budweiser Zero, Zero. And yeah, it's really pointless to drink, I felt. I'd rather have a...


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[Assistant] I'm trying this NA Heineken, it's pretty freakin' tasty.


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[Assistant] Good for you. I think they're kind of freaking cool. Dudes who drink N.A. beer or chicks that drink N.A. beer, they-


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[Assistant] So you're podcasters. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Adam is a fitness inspo guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's like flip off and flick off. Okay. Flipping.


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[Assistant] What are the shows that families watch? I mean, I watch sports with my family, but other than that, what is it, like Masked Singer or something?


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[Assistant] It's a hot track, our listeners know, they're a young go-hearth.


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[Assistant] How far away or are you currently masked up and doing the show?


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[Assistant] Cut your fucking hair. Why are you afraid to cut your hair, you bitch? You know what? Looks like I'm chunking over here. I might have to log off. Okay? Yeah, that's a nice little defense mechanism. Yeah, it works. And I disagree. I think yelling and ripping Kyle apart every week is...


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[Assistant] And I would venture to say people have been saying we are the I love Lucy of


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[Assistant] I actually might start a spin-off podcast where I'd watch every episode of I Love Lucy and I'd just chit chat about it with...


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think of what my classic beauty I would like to shack up with. Like the old school.


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[Assistant] I mean, you obviously have a weird like, uh, kind of, I'm not gonna kink shame you, but you like to jerk off the old school footage of TV Starlet.


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[Assistant] I'm a big kineer fan. So good. I think my, would this count as an old school lady? I kinda thought Gina Davis was hot. I liked her in uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's kinda weird looking. No, that's not my reference. That's not my reference. My reference.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but now I look back, I like her younger sister, Kit, right? Is that her name? Kit or Kat?


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[Assistant] Not enough to where, I, I don't-


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[Assistant] Ohhh, I don't know her name. What was her name? Stunner. This is like the golden age of Hollywood, correct? Is that what, is that what we're talking about?


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[Assistant] I find that sometimes people will be like, uh, you know what's their name, or like, you're friends with it. And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they continue with it. Like, so, yeah, I was just talking to them the other day. And you're like, I, yeah, I actually don't know that person.


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[Assistant] I probably met them at a Comic Con when I was blackout and they remember the time I met them and I don't at all.


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[Assistant] Well next time just, uh, FaceTime me and show me the person and, you know, we'll sort it out. That always works.


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[Assistant] Oh damn. I miss her. Bro, she looks fucking cool. What happened to her? She was sick.


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[Assistant] That's kind of a cool role, is like the cocaine queen. Like, in most of those cocaine movies.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, Stoke, Stoke do you, Stoke do you married him?


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[Assistant] I will never let it get serious again, I'm sorry, that's my bad.


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[Assistant] I just didn't get my sounds to a little bit before and I was having technical issues, but I finally have figured out how to have like more than just ten sounds, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, soundboard chunking over there, baby. Yeah, well, what, you know, what can I do? What? Whatever.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I get that, but like, to shoot for it, like, why would you? I don't know.


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[Assistant] I disagree. Some people are really afraid to access certain emotions. I think it can be a very, like for people who take on roles that are...


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[Assistant] Really heavy, like who likes to sit and think about their dead friend?


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[Assistant] One of the scariest things. Like kindergarten cop.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I just tried all free, not good.


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[Assistant] No, it was a little bit of just coming off, coming off the holidays and also I just want to try, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a beers and I thought it'd be fun for the pod for you guys to journey with me. I'll be, uh, probably instaing about it. Adam.


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[Assistant] But hey. Two birds one stone. The truth has been spoken. Two birds one stone.


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[Assistant] Okay, you got it. And, uh, my apologies will be, I guess, for, you know, the soundboard. I dropped the ball, I didn't come prepared. This will be the last time I have an excuse because I officially...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figured it out, so all my, all my borders out there, get ready, cause next week...


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[Assistant] Okay. It's gonna happen. Do we, uhm...


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[Assistant] Oh wait, our pod sauce, hold on.


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[Assistant] You gotta chill on nude, dude. It's all about Ashlyn. It's an Ashlyn and I'm just livin' in it.


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[Assistant] Almond joys are, uh, almond joys you can like come up on for like very low bargaining chips because people just don't know almond joys are where it's at.


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[Assistant] Bro, it was so wild. You guys look like Pokemon. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had bulimia? Your character? Oh, I was about to say, this will...


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[Assistant] No, that's not true because you had like a student film where you're like staring in a mirror and then there's like a light bulb swinging back and forth and you're like contemplating.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean it's just a diary into your lonely mind during those times. It's really beautiful.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and we, you know, we already had discussed that I was listening to you bang since I was your roommate at home and then I'd go to my girlfriend's house and I'd have to listen to you bang there. It was just like, I couldn't escape your bang radius.


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[Assistant] You can't. Eww, bros. Let's play Uno.


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[Assistant] This is a little performative, a little bit performative.


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[Assistant] Breaking, it's a, you know, there's no breaking. Not the song! Now that you're making love in the mature, are you lighting candles? Are you setting out rose petals? What's the deal?


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[Assistant] That could be scary. That is a scary moment. I've had it affect- What is going on? I've had it affect my dreams, like seep into my dreams when my hair's in my mouth.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's, it's getting up there. You've never cut it, right? That's true.


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[Assistant] No. They need a porn or like anatomy. Yes. You know, like a porn guenis.


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[Assistant] Illustrated book of sexual records. So that is a- You know? That is a book. Illustrated book of sexual records.


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[Assistant] Those guys rocked. Yea, they were cool. They better be back for the new Matrix or I'm not watching.


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[Assistant] Man, I never bought into that. I never bought into that rumor.


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[Assistant] Oh yea dude. Yeah. That's for sure a gold mine.


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[Assistant] There's somebody for everybody. There's somebody for everybody. And don't forget that, if you're out there looking for a lover,


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[Assistant] Yeah, don't hurt anybody. I agree. No. Make love, not war. Thank you, Blake. You're welcome.


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[Assistant] Is that how we heard that? I think we heard it. No? No, I think that was his headphones. He keeps his headphones loudest.


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[Assistant] Yes. Twitch now is more than just video. Yea, you can do anything on Twitch. It's basically just like your own live television show. Can you do porno on Twitch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're very strict about nudity on Twitch. No nudity on, on the Twitchers. Yeah.


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[Assistant] There's nothing that's, there's nothing in this world that's five dollars anymore. Unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, hey, wait. Cause it's already waiting for you, correct? Can we do a pizza rank? Can we do a pizza rank? I'm happy to. What's your, like, what do we call this? Fast food pizza? It's gotta be a national chain or at least regional. National chain pizza rank?


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[Assistant] Well, there's coupons for everything in the newspaper. Blake, why are you ooing and gooing what I'm having to say? Well, because Papa John's to me isn't even, they're not a titan of the industry at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuffed crust pizza, you want me to rattle some more inventions up?


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[Assistant] That's disgusting, Kyle. You're revealing a lot about yourself right now and it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember when uh, Little Caesar's, the only thing they would give you is like that big ass long rectangle one and they cut their shit in squares?


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[Assistant] Dude, you know what else they had we're forgetting about? Like one of their main joints was crazy, crazy bread. Crazy bread. Yea dude. Like people used to flip on crazy bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Sabaro's? Does that count? That's mall, right? Yea, that's strictly a mall pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is later in life. This is later in life. This is like...


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[Assistant] I mean, anytime, I feel like the times I catch it, like, there's some pretty, uh, radical, like, gifts of you in Pitch Perfect, where I'm just like, what phase of life is this for Adam? Cause he's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, all my favorite comedians throughout, you know, my life have been people who are like, yea, self-deprecating. Like, they are the victims and I get to laugh at them being lower or whatever, you know? There's not many times where I'm like a huge fan of like, the cocky asshole comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have seen that counter-argument now, though, where people are like, uh, that person is not healthy. Like, like they, the, the, the negative to it is like, they're, they're, they're not living a healthy, healthy lifestyle, where I didn't hear much of that growing up or whatever. It was never like- No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he did start it off with diarrhea, so.


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[Assistant] Then it's funnier! Yeah, I did. That's true, he stands up and his neck is slit open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take backs, complements, and... Compliments, and uh, and put downs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Well, I would like to apologize for maybe being too judgmental with people's choices for their favorite pizzas. I mean, everybody has a different tongue, different taste buds, and you know, personally, I think Pizza Hut is numero uno, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Die with your dominoes. I don't care.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I will never apologize again. Fuck y'all, Pizza Hut.


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[Assistant] 2020, let's get that money, you feel me? Haha! That a boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm just, I'm back in character. It feels good to be Jack again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude is like a weird flabby teflon that just, it doesn't stick to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the blob 1986, or are we talking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a real decision to be thrown around Pecker.


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[Assistant] Adam, that's not the part I'm worried about here. The part is that the driving high doesn't do you any favors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 39 years young. Dude, what's it like? I have one gray pub, like dead center. Really? It's just announced itself.


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[Assistant] And then name and title, what's the name of the group? What's your MC name? My MC name was Gary Beetz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad doesn't really swear either and, uh, I remember one Christmas, uh, a buddy of mine was over for like a Christmas party and my dad just goes, yeah, you can't, uh, can't, can't shit a shitter. And I was like, what? He goes, you can't, you can't shit, you can't bullshit a shitter. And I was like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was probably 20, 26 at the point, but like still, 26 is... Oh, okay. Yeah. You're, you're elder at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think maybe your dad was playing it first for a half hour and was frustrated by the game. Yea, maybe he- No. He was like, uh, go upstairs, and you were like- and he's like, fucking- playing Sonic and shit? Small Pig Beast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm with you, Kyle. I'm in a rougaloid right now. Cause my folks didn't buy us a gaming system either. My brothers had to pool together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy that I was watching it on like 60 minutes and they were going on and on about like how you, the prime age is like 15 to 17 and they were interviewing this guy who was like, uh, 21 and he was like, I'm just too old now. You know, I'm an old dog. I just don't have reflexes anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, but I honestly think it's because by the time you're 21, you have that much more shit. You're having sex? In your life going on? Yea, you're out like, I might go fuck. And if you're 16 or 17, you have nothing on your plate except just video games. You're 21, you gotta like pay bills, you gotta do stuff, but like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, they were pissed now, they were pissed then, I tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shout out to LA Film School and their education, uh, their syllabus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so like it was just, it was a movie that hadn't really been released and it was going around town just on like bootleg DVDs. Hollywood baby. And I got it from a friend and I watched it by myself and I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the funniest movie I've ever seen? I can't fucking believe this. And I came over to your guys place the next day. I said, meeting kind of adjourned. We're sitting down and watching this and you guys were like, what are we doing? I'm like, 92 dad at us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To buy in early on. Uhm, speaking of comedy icons. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's been tragic news recently. Uh, actor-comedian Sinbad has had a stroke and is not in a good condition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the fucking man. Way back to like a different world. His stand up, uh, hour long specials that would play on Comedy Central constantly were like the only thing I could watch with my dad. He'd be like, you gotta come in here and see this. And I'm like, let's do this dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was clean, but my dad, my dad just fucking loved those Sinbad standups with like- His wind suits? The insane outfits. Oh my god, the wind suits were crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor Sinbad. That's, that's, that's Sinbad. Uh, Blazer, what's your number one Sinbad? Cause I know, uh, he touched your soul as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How has that not caught on as like a perennial Christmas movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Or Cherokee Kid. Cherokee Kid. I think I saw that in the theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did Sunny, but he was on Rel. He was the only reason I tuned in to watch Rel. I mean, I like Rel too, but I was like, oh, he was on Rel. I'm watching this for Sinbad, and the show was, the show lost me, but Sinbad was fucking so good. Was Sin good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People wanna be around you just so they can be like, and this is my friend, Kadim, and everyone goes, I'm sorry, what is your name? And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then they're probably, they're fine, and I like how you're like, I don't even know what to buy anymore. Well the ones you have lasted 15 years, I would go back for seconds.


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[Assistant] They're hitters. They have like a lot of different styles, fabrics, lengths.


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[Assistant] But I do boxers, cause like, I used to sleep in like, mesh shorts or whatever, but they're so fucking big that I'm just like, I want some boxers that are just breathable, cause I don't wanna sleep in, uhm, boxer briefs and just-


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[Assistant] Yeah, I slept naked until I had kids and I was like, alright, they're coming in here, I'm gonna put on my glasses.


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[Assistant] Cause like underwear, I feel like this motherfucker's blowing the back out of his shit cause he might be working out in them. I don't like, they're not built for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these are? Extra large. What do we got here?


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[Assistant] Uh, if you can find underwear with some Modal, you're gonna be a happy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Under armor makes pretty good underwear? Nike, I believe it. Nike, the Nike underwear I've bought.


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[Assistant] I used to, so this, I mean, this all stems from back when I was swimming, we started running. I would run in a Speedo with shorts on.


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[Assistant] Good question. I was a jock. Probably should've. Uh, cause those are fucking bizarre. Like why not just cover your entire butt? Why, why just have straps?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I know some, I, I, I know some dudes who used to stand up to wipe, cause at our high school, in the locker room, it was old school, like, from the 60s, and there's no doors on the shitters, it's just like a half wall, and you kinda shit from the side, so when people walk past, you're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, don't you understand? But like, just the mechanics of when you sit down on a toilet, it kind of like, spreads your cheeks for you. You can even like, emphasize it with a nice wiggle or whatever.


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[Assistant] You gotta fold, you can't crumple, cause you don't know how that's gonna like, spring


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[Assistant] Just lemme, lemme lay this out there, takes no time. It does, it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But y'all rock, uh, a bidet, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that is a game changer. But like when the pandemic started and everyone was like, I don't need toilet paper, I've got a bidet. I was like, you need both. Or you got dookie. Or you're using your hand, which is a whole other, uh, thing that people do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do a spray, and then I do a wipe, and then I do another spray, and then I do like a light dab. When you say spray, you're spraying diarrhea.


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[Assistant] How is it, how's the euros do it? How are the euros doing it? A hundred years ago, they were washing a butthole, they were shitting in one and then scooting over and washing a butthole in the other. Oh, gotcha. And then I believe the Japanese were like, hmm, that's stupid, this is smarter. Allegedly. Put it all in one. Allegedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to rock a squatty potty, and that was just clutch. That was a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm into the squatty potty. What's- Oh, no. The best. The higher, the better. Put me- Yeah, what's up? Honestly. I don't know, man. Put my- I want my knees over my shoulders. Thank you, Anders. That's hella weird to me. I want my legs behind my neck. Thank you, Anders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you so much. Oh man, does that get you back or hard? Oof.


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[Assistant] One time on Twitter, I posted a picture of like a table that was built out of Legos and had like a glass top, but then under the glass it had like a thousand different muscle men, which was a toy from the 80s. And Juicy J was like, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, what, I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, Kyle, he's, he's bowing to, he's taking a knee for you, pal, here. What are you? Uuuuunbelievable. Do you want me not, not to? Cause I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And thank you for that. Just to be clear, uh, when you're, when you're, when you're next to Kyle, you're gonna want some breathable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, he was gonna join FEMA with that line. Was it hot damn or god damn?


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[Assistant] Yes, at least that's what I was told. But my dad claims my mom's side of the family is just Polish, but I refuse to believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that process of 23andMe? What do you do? You have to give some blood or something? Or... I've never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exponents I thought were like, uh, when letters are in place of numbers. That's a variable, isn't it? Oh damn. Oh shit. Get your PEM dolls on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if we can run down PEMDAS. Parentheses, exponents, exponents, multiplication, division, addition, subtraction. There you go, that's your order of operation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the order you do your math problem in if it has all these things. So if you see parentheses, you solve that shit right out the gate. That's the P. Then you hit the exponent. That's the little numbers up top.


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[Assistant] I think we've got our math teacher thing, it's like.


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[Assistant] I did have one, I only failed one class, it was math, but that was purely off the strength that my math teacher's fucking breath smelled like really really bad.


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[Assistant] Uh, well, I was held back, so it was like math 100 or something. You were held back?


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[Assistant] Urgh. Urgh. Yeah, no, summer school was one of the, my worst youth hangovers of my entire life. It was the whole summer.


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[Assistant] Yes, I am saying, I'm taking a hard stance. If you put ketchup on chicken in any form, you are a fucking sicko.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Tyson? Are we talking, I made Tyson in the oven? No. Uh, what's that farm? What's the farm?


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[Assistant] I might go no ketchup. I might go no ketchup.


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[Assistant] Oh, every damn day with the meatballs. With the meatballs.


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[Assistant] Did y'all ever get, uh, cold hot dogs? Were you ever served cold hot dogs for snacks? I didn't s- I didn't s-


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[Assistant] I don't fuck with any of this shit anymore, but I- I was a part of the struggle. I did have the rock hot dog. Mommy?


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[Assistant] I like, I like my food cold. I prefer it to sit a day before I eat it if I'm honest.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no problem. It's a treat I look forward to the next day, and I often enjoy it more than the first day. Is everybody okay with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, now don't get me wrong here guys. It's, I like it if it just like sits out for a day.


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[Assistant] Like for instance, if you get like fried rice and you don't eat it all right the day of, you don't put the fried rice into the refrigerator, you just leave it on the counter in like the box. And then you bust it out.


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[Assistant] I hear the name Ditka, I associate it with one man. Is it indeed sponsored by Mike Ditka?


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[Assistant] Like, are sausages cooked? I think sausages are raw.


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[Assistant] Adam, I'll say, uhm. I've never seen success.


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[Assistant] Well you could have a cowboy hat, you could get one of those like, San Diego Sun hats that all the bros wear, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, not, not, not to the point, the like ones that are like, just like a sun hat.


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[Assistant] Like I don't think it has a country of origin. It's like a surfer hat.


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[Assistant] I usually have my birthday at my favorite Mexican restaurant, Don Cuco, and I just love them to death, and they're super nice to me over there, and the last birthday I went to, they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A sick ass sombrero on my head, like red, like- Oh, I remember that. Yea, all decorated nice, and then they're like, you keep that. And I'm like, no way, this is fucking awesome, but yes way I will keep it for sure, I'll hang it in my house. But we went out the rest of the night, and you can't just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pocket sombrero, it's fucking huge. You gotta wear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what was, the worst part of it is we went to another birthday party, a little name drop, uh, LP from, uh, Run the Jewels has the same birthday as me. So we went over to his house party, and I'm wearing this fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sombrero, and who else ends up being there but Zack de la Rocha from the fucking Rage Against the Machine. So I'm in this party wearing a sombrero talking to, like, the lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, uh, True Rockstar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I- I felt like such a fucking idiot, now there's all these- the only pictures I have with these people who I look up to so much, I'm rocking a sombrero and I- I just feel terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I can back- I can talk back, like I know why I was doing it. I wasn't like trying to be insensitive, but- For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one night, it now hangs in my home. I, but yea, I wouldn't have made the decision to go out like, this is my fucking funny party hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's like- You're good. You're good to go. If you go to Hawaii, you can throw the hang loose in every fuckin' picture, man, and it's all dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's different, because lookit, all four of us probably couldn't even tell you what the, like, significance of a sombrero in their culture is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, hot sun. I like to think that, but maybe there's different kinds as well. Like there's ceremonial ones, and then there's like field worker ones or whatever. Like there's probably different versions of, of said garb. It's not like- For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but the thing was is like, at least back in high school, Kyle, you may be able-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, at our school- No, that's not that bizarre. They're super popular. At our school, they were like, they were a status symbol for sure. If you had an East shock watch, you were fucking bowling.