[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's kinda wild. Uhm, look, the phenomena has also just exploded for us. Reviving this, uh, Good Morning Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone's getting involved, I can say that, uhm, people that you don't expect, and I want to give credit because we've made mention of this before, that, you know, a lot of dudes are usually the ones that do send in a lot of their things, you know, it's a lot of guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the ladies, they came through on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I realize too that there's gotta be no one that understands the, uh, creepiness of Joe's thing more than women. Of course. Because you guys are the ones that get bombarded by the guy who's like, I know how to fuck, or I wanna be with you no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the guy that you do, you wish would say that to you, like, probably, you're not sure if he's gonna call. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a lot of fans. He built that place one handed. Here is Rebecca.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, as you can see it keeps saying her name. Well, are you ready for the thing that we've been waiting for for a while? Yes, I'm dying. We finally can try to do it right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. We have been in contact with the Julia from Good Morning Julia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm going to try to call her right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, great, this is Tom Segura, I'm here with Christina P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, so, I wanna start with one thing. First of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, we, we didn't know that this, when this was brought to our attention, we didn't know that it was like a thing and then it kind of faded away and then was brought to our attention again. We've been mesmerized by it and there's so many different stories about the origin of, of you getting this video, uh, message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your phone people said, you know, it was a bar, it was a parking lot, it was the gym. Can you tell us how this actually came about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you're saying that to him though, you're basically just trying to like ease this guy down. You're like, ah, I'm talking to my, you're trying to be sort of diplomatic to let him know that, you know, I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm not interested. Right? It sounds like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe's no newbie. He got it. Psycho. Yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, back to the, to the, so this guy, you, okay, you told him like, oh my ex and I, blah, blah, so that's why he was bringing that up. Did anything ever come about, like, did you ever run into him again at the gym or anywhere else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was, wait, she was in high school with his kid? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny, you know, I gotta say, it's like, it is, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that when our sons reach a certain age, when our sons reach a certain age, I will play that video and be like, don't ever do this to a girl, okay? Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, the thing is too, it's like there's a, there's, we were just talking about the fact that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does your current boyfriend think of all, you know, this nonsense? Is he amused by it? Am I amused by Joe or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] East coast. I would say- Jersey? No. I'm thinking he's north central. North central east. Okay. East area. Okay. We don't want to give you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's about right. Well look, uhm, I gotta tell you- Oh, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but look, Julia, we so appreciate you calling in, uh, giving us the real story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting to bed the rumors, letting us know how this really happened. We're huge fans of yours and of this amazing video that I'm sure at moments terrified you, but thankfully we can all have a good laugh at it now. Thanks for taking your time. Anything else you want to add, Christina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, well listen to this, uh, to this episode because it has, like I said, uh, all women doing their Good Morning Julias and it's pretty amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, well we have, uh, some more stuff lined up. Let's, uh, let's grab our boy here and get this going. This is so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that was such an amazing call with the real Julia from Good Morning Julia. And due to unbelievable demand and requests, we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's up in the store now. There are Let's Go Full Trottle and Good Morning Julia shirts with ceiling fans. And here's what we did. Both men's and women's cuts. A lot of women have asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, uh, some of the shirts to be in women's cut, so we did it. Uh, there's black, let's go full trottle. And there's gray, good morning Julia. Of course, both have Joe's trademark ceiling fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, go to, uh, merchmethod.com slash TomSagura, merchmethod.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and as of this recording, by the way, I should tell them that I haven't confirmed, but I know that it's shipping is en route.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, I had these amazing posters made for the Philly shows and there's a little bit of overstock. So I'm having them sent to our store. So check back at Merch Method. I'll post it on Instagram and stuff, but they'll go quickly. They always go quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were at any of the Philly shows or you just like the original artwork, this one has me as a barista killing guy. Oh, that's great. It's really funny, so just check that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can still, it's December 4th as of this recording, meaning you're probably hearing this on the 5th or 6th, uhm, you can still get some of that Christmas stuff probably in time for Christmas if you order, now there's the Jesus wore jeans, uhm, sweater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] T-shirt, uh, and then there's the Santa Wears Jeans hat, and there's our ornament bunch too, the stocking and the ornament.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, I just, uh, and then also the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's our, our, uh, Christmas bundle. And then, oh, the June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, I go, we have a really amazing fan base. She goes, yeah, yeah. She goes, yeah, I saw a piss on me. And I go, this, this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Here's the uhm, oh yea, see look, look at the socks. Yea, sold out. The piss on me socks. The piss on me baby. She goes, the piss on me socks came in and I was like, he's not gonna sell these. Sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well look, last time, last time we learned about some of the dark webs most disturbing pornography. And this time we're going to learn more. I have with us a friend, a great comedian, you may have seen him


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, on the road by himself, or you may have seen him with me. He's come with me on a lot of shows on the last tour. We will be together coming up in, I think, is it San Francisco? San Francisco's coming up. It is the great and hilarious Josh Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The conversations with him about, you know, all this crazy stuff on tour, and I knew we were kindred spirits when we would connect talking about weird things and fun things, but he really knows this stuff, you know, he does. I try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this time, Gene, I said, Josh, let's go, let's do a deep dive. Last time it was pornography. What have you got for me this time? I'll let him introduce it. Josh, what are we talking about today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, only one of the, well, sorry. One of the names is vaguely familiar and then one of the monikers I'm familiar with. Yes, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a similarity. I think you could get that haircut too. I probably could. This front is pretty much gone. I could grow the back out. You ever think about that? Uhm, I don't know. That's kind of an interesting look. I will say, uhm, from this profile, it's, uh, you know, not the worst looking guy. I mean, he's not the most handsome man I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And our man here, uh, what's it, the pork, the pork man? Porkchop Rob, dog. Porkchop Rob. Uhm, his target though was ladies. Yes, ladies of the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, so he would kill, dismember, and then feed that to the pigs, and then take the pigs and make bacon sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this is uh, this is him in, he's already in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's kind of inaudible there, but he's saying that he got sloppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Floyd Mayweather when he went, did his fights, he was like 49 and 0, and he sounded the nicest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's saying, uh, the killer's saying, another party says, yeah, I mean, uh, all this, all they fucking got a lot of stuff on me. Uhm, and then the officer says, no. No shit, eh? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the- that's- that's what? That's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm glad there's a desk here. I'll just say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on one second, I just wanted to see if we had, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just looking to see his cause of death, but I can't really see. It's just evil, baby. No, I just wanted to see if he himself was killed or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was definitely getting his dick kicked. But then again, when you murder them, you don't have to, he's saving money too. I didn't think about that. Well, he's making money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you would actually, you would be great. You'd be great for dating like a porn girl, dominatrix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh is also, uh, low maintenance and adaptable. Yes. So like, whatever the circumstances, he's just gonna go with it. I'm like water, baby, I flow. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's still alive by the way. Do you think we could at least send her a shirt and FGTRT? Oh my gosh, she deserves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because eventually, like all of them, they get sloppy. Yeah, but that's the time, by the way, the time to get away with things, late 1800s, early 1900s. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do it. Uhm, Josh, anywhere anybody can see you coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masonic, uh, January 4th and 5th. That's right. Alright. Thanks Josh. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not always an early adapter. I feel like I was an early adapter, early fan of Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram page, the funniest Instagram page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I've talked about this many times on the show, that uhm, throughout my life, nothing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes me laugh harder still than getting a reaction of disgust or contempt from my mother on something. Like it's still the thing. It's like it's in the DNA where it reminds me of like, you know, burping at the table and being like chastised for doing that. And it would make me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that video, uh, that you did, where you, the chicken butt one? Yeah, yeah. Where I was like, is this real? And like, did you re-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're going like, hey mom. And she's like, what? And you go, guess what? What? Chicken butt. And she's like, alright. And then like, she's on the phone. And you're like, mom. And she's like, she's doing that thing like, I'm on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you keep, like, cause it feels like, you know, a kid basically, like, I know what you're talking about. She's like, oh, for Christ, what? Chicken butt. And then it just keeps building until you do it. She's in the bathroom, and then like in the middle of the night, she's like, oh, it's four in the- Yeah, those two are set up. That was perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, it was, you fooled me cause I was like, holy shit. She's, it's four in the morning. And she's like, oh, chicken butt. You're like, yay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was like it's own lane of a type of video style, but then I think what's really blown up is like your face swap character. Oh my god, I love those. Because you have, you know, like you do the Trump ones, the Jenners, the Kardashians. Yeah baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I love about Stormy too? Stormy's character is basically an invention in a way. Like it's not really, it's not Stormy. I don't even know how she talks. But it's perfect. You're like, oh yeah, that's the perfect character. It's like what you'd imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we watch this one? Let's watch it. This is the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember doing him, like did you used to watch, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now someone told me once about like people who nail and I'm always like, you know, oh my god, I just got a flashback to auditioning for mad tv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember her specifically going, try Jack Black. And I was like, no. Okay. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Jack Black. I'm Jack. I was like, Hey, what's that? Like just imagine something just spiraling out of control. And she was like, yeah, no, that didn't really work. I'm like, yeah, I didn't come in here saying I do a Jack Black impression. And you left her with that impression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she was just like, yeah, that wasn't really a spot on impression of Jack Black. And I was like, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you okay? I was talking to one of the, I forget one of the big comedy casting directors here in town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I auditioned for something with her and I was like, you know, every time you're the best, like she's always super sweet, um, makes like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes the situation... Julie Ashton? Yea, I was just gonna say Julie Ashton. I think it might be. She's great. Yea, she's like the one nice one. Makes you feel really engaged and, you know what I mean, like, and if she goes like, do you have any questions? If you're like, I don't know, do you have anything to add to this? Yea, well the thing is, I think they're really looking for it to be read like this, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had, I have, uh, I was so used to her a few times. She cast me in something and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to another one where I asked the same way, where I was like, uh, is there anything that you want to tell me about it? And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for you to decide. I was like, oh, so the answer is no. You don't have anything to share? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, so we got Dr. Phil, we got Bill Maher, and we have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, from Kyle Dunigan's Instagram page, it's at KyleDunigan1. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild man. You need to start posting some of my shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like I owe you? Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Especially like after what you put me through and, um, remember we did oddball together and you made me go in your dressing room and like watch you do all this stuff. That was a bad time in my life. That's what you owe me for. Um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but the Bill Maher one is just, I don't think, sometimes there's public figures who you realize, oh, I've never heard an impression of that person. That's what stands out about Bill Maher. I don't think I've ever heard someone do an impression. And when you do the impression, I have to double check it's not him talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs a space to read over what the writers told him to say tonight. Okay, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that Ruski culture too, you know, the, you know, the, if you see the, like, Putin, uh, photo ops, it's always a stern face. Oh yeah. Because they think we're goofballs if we go like, smile. Joy. Oh yeah, like what are you, a fucking clown? Like stop smiling, why are you smiling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it was a thought of mine where I look in the mirror and you think, I look tired, but then you're like, don't beat yourself up. And then I'll see her and she's like, Tom, you look very tired today. And I'm like, I feel okay, but I'm glad I look tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I always looked like that, no one was telling me that, but now I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we could start this. Other thing about like falling apart as we age is that because I was really even really fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 17, 18, you realize that like a lot of your friends that weren't, they get fat as they get in their 40s. And they're like, Oh, you look bad. Now you got fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But because I was fat then. Oh, that's cool. I'm like, I either looked better than I did or I maintained. That's nice. There's a silver lining for you. So if you're like young and fat, you have that look forward to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't those dreams the most unbelievable? When you, when you are, it's so vivid and you get up and you're like, oh, and you realize you're not there. I feel like I want those more. I don't have them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some good cops, I mean, cops do, there's, you know, what happens is we highlight the bad cops, cause there's bad people in every proportion. Better stories, yea. Well yea, so, you know, the stories about the bad ones are so bad, that that becomes kind of the narrative for cops, but there's obviously good cops too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done a few in different cities and it's always an entertaining and learning experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it in North Carolina. I went out with a cop. I went out with a black cop. I wanted to go with different experiences, you know. Then I went out in Tacoma with a cop. Were you studying for a role? Why are you doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first time I knew the guy from another job I had, so he worked part time. Cops can have sometimes multiple jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cops dealt the most with just mental illness all the time. Yeaah. Yeaah. Just all day. I was like, how much of your like day is mental illness? And they're like, like 85% of these. Easily. We're either drunk, drugs or mental illness. Yeaah. And then like they're like fucked up things like the drop off of somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have this pig brother and then what is your other sibling? She is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they, I always wonder, cause like, you have this quirky, it's a very defined sense of humor, right? And then, it's the kind of thing where, to me, like the way I would phrase it, all these things are subjective, but I would describe it like people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we like him already. Yea, he's cool. I like it. Yea. But your pig sister...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe worse. And five days later? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, why don't you do a, why don't you do a bang to get, cause you gotta get the relationship out of your system, get a fresh bang, and then go into looking for the, you know what I mean? Bang, bang my way to love. Well I'm saying just get a bang out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it me? Is it me? No, now I have to give her some credit. Okay. I give her credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She went back, she maybe reacted emotionally. She worked a lot, it sounded like. She had the self-awareness to read it and go like, oh, I fucked up. That's a sign of actual emotional intelligence and also being a big enough person to admit it, which is kind of embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, if you, if you were to be like, man, I really, really liked her. I'm like, well, then that's obviously an indication that maybe worth exploring again. But if you don't, or if you're like, I don't have, you know, she's just not it, then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Read each other's texts. Oh yea? Absolutely. Yea. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we've read, we've read texts, you've read texts where you're like, you think I'm being serious about something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like good pics, okay? Shirtless? I mean, no, no, no. Nothing too, nothing ridiculous or jokey. Just like good pics of Kyle. Okay. Bioline can be, um, charming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I'm serious. Just put your bio line and then write, and write like dot dot dot, like 400,000 followers on Instagram. Anyway, or like, just make it like, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dope ass tree though. It is a dope tree. Alright, yeaah. Let's just go three trees. Real pictures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that one you should use, see if you do the mic one, the mic one, do you have a pro mic one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing though, we don't want to make


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your smash profile the same as your- cause there's the relationship profile and then there's get my-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yeah, but we just gotta leave differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's yours. No, it's your car. And it's gonna help, it's gonna help the Smash game for sure. That's what I was saying. Let's just do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all are insecure. That's the thing. That's the thing you realize is you get older once you're in a secure relationship and everything. You see more how insecure you were and you realize that everybody is. And then that's what happens is like once you're not in the hunt, you're like, oh, why is everybody so fucking insecure? You know, but you need to be like locked down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first kiss, I've been talking, I talk about it on stage now, about the level of tension for, for an opening kiss, like that first kiss. I mean it is like, it's nauseating just to, like whether, like when you go like, I gotta coach, if you're, especially if you're the guy, you're the guy, you're supposed to be the initiator, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The absolute worst thing, I mean yea, someone being like, ew no, but like, were you really that misled? You know what I mean? Like, I don't feel like I was ever that misled. In terms of what way? Like I never went for a kiss and had someone go like, what the fuck? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's why you misread. You were drunk. But like, if you're not drunk, let's say you're sober or you have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think since from our first one, when we had our first kiss that was probably oh five. Yeaah. And probably not more than ten since then of like where I went out with the girl and I wasn't sure whether. Sure, it gets easier. You guys swing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of dentists. I would say we do dental updates quite often and we have a lot of guests come in here and they show us teeth. Sometimes we have to be a little nicer to them. I would say those are top three teeth we've ever seen. Nice. Yea, really good. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could tell me those are veneers. Is this really what's going on? Hey, I think we have a new profile pic. That's what I'm thinking. Close up of the teeth. Yes. Actually, don't you feel like when you see someone's teeth, it really tells you a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I don't like by the way? I know that we all have, you know, we're, there's different stages of life where different levels of income and what you can spend on. I hate someone telling me like, like, especially if they're employed, they have a decent job and it's like, eh, just fuck this part. Like no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to direct your funds into this region. If you have a job that gives you any resources, put down the plastic, rack up the debt and you take care of the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People send us all kinds of clips. I don't know if you know this or not. We always watch things that people send. Somebody sent this. Let me see what it says about her. This lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so the light was red. She was reading a piece of paper. The light turned green. She continued to read so I pressed the horn quickly. Then she continued reading so I pressed it longer until the light changed to red again. She got out of her car and argued with me that she was reading the paper because she felt dizzy and wanted to know if she could turn around to go back to CVS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those guys that do, that, that, that deliver all day. Oh my god. That's just real work, man. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hauling that stuff around and you just go go go go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I was thinking, like I was trying to figure out the number, the first number hand to God on our children in my mind was five million dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about coming in this lady after sweet kisses and eating her box. Did you take a look at what I'm dealing with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got a car. She's got some good quality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you had made a good point, you said someone said four million. Yeah. Okay, yeah, I would. Oh stop it. Absolutely. Three million.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see how you ruin this? You're ruining this. You're ruining this. You're ruining this. Why are you ruining this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm taking this seriously and I'm trying to figure this out and you're like 20 grand, like I would even spit on her for 20 grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think it's enough. Really? I don't think it's enough. I really don't. I don't believe you. That's impressive. I'm way below that. Yeah. I think, I think, I think if I'm being honest, I would say like two, two and a half would be like the bottom. Wow. To do it. You definitely have more money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, you gotta eat her box for a while, you gotta bang her, and you gotta look in her eyes as you finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, a couple of pokes, rim, and then back, okay. Well let me ask you though, you gotta jump in too. Ew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, how about we go to your one million dollars cash bag? You're like, nope, it's a million dollars in cash. Here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I got paid six million dollars to make this lady come. That's a good life. Do you guys realize how good my life is? It's pretty sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you framed it that way, that makes sense. If you framed it like that to me, and you show me the bags, and then you're like, she's right through there, I would go in there with this attitude of like, daddy's gonna make you cum. So like, do whatever you want. You wanna fart in my face and get started? Like, I would go, I would just, absolutely. You get no mental state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would leave there and she'd be like, he needs to get a bonus, cause I came like 16 times. Oh. You know? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, can we regroup? Will you tell me for real what you would need to eat her box?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, now we can start talking that bullshit money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That that one's not, I feel like doing things to her would require much more out of me. Okay. Yeah, I think it would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you were to, by the way, since you know how he's single, we're trying to hook him up. What if he went into like a new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something right away that I feel like already? Even if you weren't attracted to her, she knows what's up. She knows how to do things. She could hurt you though. She could hurt you, but she'd also be like, I know what feels good. She's worked her way around a nutsack for sure. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's like, you know, it looks like kinda like, it almost looks made up. I'm going to a costume party. Well yea, they're goths. No, but I'm saying, I feel like I see that she tried to put this together, with him I see like a genuine scary fucking guy. Right, like this is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see how, I wanna see how much disdain he has for you in this. He doesn't like me. Let's see, let's see if you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was nice. Oh, it was very cool. Yeah. I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was doing, he might be still be doing it. You know, some places you get a residency. Yeah, I have a residency. Yeah, like Vegas. He had, or maybe still has a residency. He does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, uh, anywhere you have coming up, any tour dates, anything like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're very, very funny. Instagram is at Kyle Donegan one. If you could refer to me as the king of Instagram, that would help me out. I have no problem with that. Cool. Yeah. Thanks. Uhm, and then let's see, we have a, you have anything to add, Jane? Anything else to throw in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time, sixteen-year-old British boy named Tom Segera had Tom Segera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This song, uh, we always have, uh, listener made songs. Uh, this DJ Double Pipe made this. It's called, I fucking want to get horny, uh, in parenthesis, try it out. Nice. So Kyle, thank you for coming. Thank you. Gene, thanks for being here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Catch my new Netflix special, The Degenerates. It's going to air on Netflix starting air stream. I'm like 500 years old. Uhm, October 30th it's going to start streaming on Netflix. Check that out. Your, your homie Joey Diaz is on there as well as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big J, we got Yamanika Saunders, Sanders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, and that's it. Check it out. We filmed it in Vegas. So before I start touring, I'm gonna run this hour locally here in Los Angeles in the very small Yoohoo Room at Flappair's Comedy Club. There's really just a handful of tickets. I like to do these small shows before I go out. So that's gonna be on October 21st. That's this Sunday at Flapper's in the Yoohoo Room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Diego, November 24th. I've added a late show at the House of Brews. Come see me. Get out of the house during Thanksgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Philharabdelfia, second show added December 7th, get your tickets to the Late Show, as well as the Late Show Gramercy Theater in Judork Titties on the 8th of December. And I'm going to be announcing 2019 dates very soon. Christina P online. Thank you. God bless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, how do these people drive? Now they have licenses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just say that my mom was crazy and it provided a lot of entertainment. Like we were saying before, she'd be like, it's cold outside, it's crispy. I have a lot of crazy in my family. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nuts. My dad used to say all the time, everybody is crazy or on drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. That's my biggest flaw. Can I tell you something? It took me 36 years as an adult and 10 years of therapy to realize that you can't reason with crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, like I, like I said, I, my mother, I'm just, I say it again and for those of you just tuning in, my mother was mentally ill. She was a borderline personality disorder, she had schizophrenia later in life. I got an assload of crazy growing up. So, hey man, don't fucking email me and tell me how insensitive I am, uh, making fun of this shit, cause I'm entitled to do that. Okay? That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, her point about truckers being not so sexed up, I don't know much about, I mean listen, I know a lot of people who drive trucks listen to our show. God bless them. Yeah, thanks for listening. I love them. Now, my understanding is truckers are the nastiest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I'd say most are. Sure. But then there's things like you hear about, well don't you have a joke in your act about going to a certain place, video place, and there's holes and walls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I wonder if uhm, cause my mom too, towards the end of her life, got into Jesus and the Bible. She did? Yeaah, like I, when we went through her stuff, there was a lot of like underlining, highlighting the Bible, and like she'd have these religious cards kinda stashed everywhere, like I don't, I guess that seems like a pretty common,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes sense though. You may as well try. Like if it's- if all that stuff's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May as well be on the right side of it. Yeah. Makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as Carl Sagan on his deathbed, they go, are you, do you not believe in God anymore? He's like, no bro, I'm fucking, I'm ride or die, atheist all the way, homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but, yeah. Can I tell you what really made me think about? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How there's no God is watching that space movie with Ryan Gosling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called, why the fuck did they put him in a fucking astronaut outfit? That's why I go see Ryan Gosling so he's shirtless at some point and he wasn't even shirtless. He looked like a regular guy. So upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's tough. I know, it is tougher. Like that fucking boring newspaper one we saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you know what the story is, and we all know what happened with uh, what's his name, Lance Armstrong, when he went to the moon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, it's interesting, it's interesting. But here's my point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We barely had toasters, refrigerators, blenders, all that shit was new. They didn't even have a, you didn't have a fucking cell phone and these dudes, it's all dudes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and how people didn't like the space program because of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, but that's when you realize stuff like yeaah, there's no god. I mean, there's no god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see him take steps on the moon. It feels like you're doing it, which is so amazing with this movie. Guys, go and see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they finally show him taking his first steps and you feel like you're doing it the way that it's shot. It's just brilliant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was there like a flap in the back, like old timey pajamas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like the poop, the poop shoot flat, like, you know, in cartoon pajamas. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Again, I'm bummed that Ryan Gosling kinda looked like a regular guy. Like they didn't light him all nice and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard that too, that that's how he was chosen for the space program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, shit, you tell me, you're the one that bangs hoes left and right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, yea, if he's as hairless as I think he is, and he looks really clean, he just looks like he smells nice all the time, I would, I would do it. Just how Rob, you know how Robin Wright Penn has that air of her, that she's really clean and that her butthole, is it Robin Wright Penn still or just Robin Wright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, savage. Well, that's the price you pay, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of touching dudes, there's no segway for that, but, uh, well, we have a lot of updates in the sagura household.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes sense. It's kind of a power thing and he likes the vulnerability of it. Makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell them the neatest part about the kind and what time it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, I was up at 2am pumping my tits. So 3am, I hear her, she never actually asks to be let out of the crate. What she does is she just kind of sniffs, she'll be like, like she'll breathe a little weirdly, and she'll kind of like, like make like a yawning stress yawn sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's how I know it's time to let her out. She doesn't act, she never paws at the crate, so it's very subtle sounds that if I don't hear them, it can be fucking really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I heard the sounds at three in the morning. I walk over to her and I'm like, do you want to go potty girl? Do you want to go potty? And she looked at me like, bitch, why'd you wake me up? Like she did not want to go potty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I thought, great, went back to sleep, heard Ellis pop up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She stuck her ass like you said. And not just any shit. This is the neat part. It is dog diarrhea. So it's liquid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, yeaah. And I go, it's a, it's a new heater. We just had to put it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the fire guy goes, well, it's because it's brand new and it's burning off all the residue and stuff in there. It's an HVAC situation. I was so embarrassed and I'm standing there in my jammies and I'm like, I'm so sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the worst night. And then two nights later, the dog got diarrhea again and I was up all night with that motherfuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The vet again, cause we, we thought it was because she was eating stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out she has inflammatory bowel disorder, disease, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, these Brussels are great dogs, but I think genetically she's got some stuff. That dog's butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm giving her hemp oil twice a day and hopefully in a new food, a softer food that's gonna help her, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so, and you're one of those people that more people need to know about. I feel like it's time, it's time. I love when you used to talk about your wife drinking, uh, red wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about that second wife? Tom and I keep talking about what his second wife's gonna be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah bro, listen, we got sunshine, avocados, you've had one of those before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know who I want to be in my second marriage, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to be the frivolous, uh, older housewife woman who has not a care in the world. Like you've seen her on reality shows where she's like, like everything's funny. And I just, I just need to buy a grill for $5,000. And her whole life is like, I got to get a manicure. I got to do a lot of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time, Charnay. And the husband works so hard, like, just to keep me in the world, you know? I don't see him. We don't even have relationships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got embarrassed when my doctor, I was like nine months pregnant and my doctor was examining me and I farted right in his hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you just take crystal meth before you jacked your peener?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've been done married, yea. We gotta find you the hot, the hot weather sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, electrolysis, you've got so much facial hair. You're gonna have to take a lot of hormones. And your size, you're so big. We're gonna have to thin you out a lot for you to pass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean as a woman I think it's a compliment that it would be really hard for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Maybe single Chad will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you a question? How long does it take you to fart in front of somebody after you meet them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you fart in front of girls? Do you fart in front of friends? Have you farted in front of Tom? You guys have been friends for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because my husband Tom has this neat habit of just farting in front of everybody. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, cause it's become a pattern for Tom now where he's just been kind of farting indiscriminately, like we had Doug Mallard in here and he brought his fiance over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Within minutes of meeting her, he farted in front of her at our dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty exciting. So I'm guessing you don't do this in front of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Caitlin, let's start from the science of it. Do you know why you're so gassy? Have you gone to the doctor? Maybe it's your diet. What are you doing? Is there any way to reduce your gas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's asking about what to do about this dude. I would say get your diet checked out, take the phase I'm the beano, and hang out with him for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there you go. You know, I just reminded me of Tommy talking about farting at the gym. Tom and I used to live in Silver Lake, which is a predominantly gay area. And we used to work out at this gym that was known for having bears work out there, like big dudes. And remember that one bear that would always build his musk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a four, just cause we have two children who are prone to sickness, stand-up careers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, in public, on airplanes. It's so gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you think that grooming in any enclosed space with other humans that you don't, you're not related to is just disgusting? It's completely unacceptable. I vomit even just having some girl brush her fucking horsey hair on the airplane. It's crazy too. Why are you brushing your hair and all your dirty dandruff flakes are everywhere in the air?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is an Instagram post. Like, this isn't even just on her website that maybe, you know, if you're really interested in Jada Pinkett Smith, you're gonna go and she's talking about wellness. Like, this is on fucking Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Sounds like there's trouble in the marriage. You know what I mean? She's like compromising myself, not happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we do that too. Someone in here gonna fuckin' attack me right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My YMH Tanglies are telling me this might be something we're going to enjoy for weeks to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One is ha- but I do like- I like the cadence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I like that he talks like that. I like his background. I like his presentation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today is, uh, Mental Illness Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talk about Brown a lot on this show. Dude, I've never heard this story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes to bait me. Uh, yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, yeaah, I feel like music, I mean, listen, I'm an old fogey, I listen to the same shit I liked when I was 15. I'm not a good music, current music person. But I do feel like it has gone that way. Right? Like I watched the VMAs on MTV and I looked up the acts and I'm like, dude, all this shit's exactly the same. It's like mall music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you find it, cause my parents were kinda wacky too, as a parent, did you, I don't know, like do you not know how to, what a good dad looks like, cause yours was kinda shitty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my mom would take my social security number as a teenager, as I was like 15 years old, and open credit lines, credit cards. One time I checked my credit and I had like accounts open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom's house clips. So youtube.com slash your mom's house clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a popular YouTube channel that's trying to teach English as a second language. Okay. And, uh, just a heads up, all the comments on this are like, oh, they're not really great at English, like the inner workings of the language. That's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's- What do you mean gushing? Gushing? Like- I dunno. Yeah, you can see they're misusing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a lot of sexually transmitted diseases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My Netflix, uh, half hour on the Degenerates premieres today. Actually, it'll be yesterday by the time you see this. October 30th, it's ready. I am number six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on the lineup, Joey Diaz is right before me, so you can catch your two faves, but check out The Degenerates on Netflix, and also, I am proud to announce that I am also Polly and Bi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell everybody about that. Also, I'm announcing a tour 2019 and it's called the ride or die tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So first, San Diego, November 24th, second show, 10pm, almost sold out, get your tickets. Philadelphia, second show, also that one's going fast, December 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then December 8th, Jew Dork Titties. That late show is just about gone in Jew Dork Titties at the Gramercy Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here we go, 2019. January 10th at The Comedy Store in the main room here in Hollywood, California. And then I go January 31st to February 2nd, Denver, Colorado at The Comedy Works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 28th to March 2nd. Madison, Wisconsin. The Comedy Club on State. April 4th through 6th. Mini apple tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Acme Comedy Club, that's the first time I'm ever doing that one, so I'm super excited to go there. May 10th and 11th, Tempe, at the Improv, and June 20th to 22nd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Washington DECCOM at the DECCOM Improv. So that's just the first six months of the tour. And I know y'all asked me, uh, to give you a lot of time so you can come to all of these. Uh, this is my big ass club tour. And my small theater tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, Christina P. online for tickets. Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's fucking fantastic and you're gonna love the interview. We learn all about the yachting world and you'll never guess how much it costs to charter a yacht for a week. You'll die when you hear this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also can't wait until I'm this age when like menopause is officially over and I'm no longer a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop wearing a bra, put on just sweatpants all day, every day, ratty ass sneakers, the where's Waldo shirt and get that butch haircut dude. I'm all about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love her. Can we hire her to stand on our street and do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really the only thing, this October, that's the goal, is to just not be last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burt's gonna, at the 11th hour, like, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I really wish we could have had the bracelet. I know. That would have been so funny, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we put the word out now, maybe in one year's time, somebody can donate that to the cause. Is there anybody listening that has a scram bracelet they could donate to Sober October?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is not, no, I just saw her nips. You think she has nice ones? Yea, like mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever's checking their email, sitting in the parking spot. Go, dude. I agree. You have two seconds, go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then these disrespectful punks parked their car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it's IBS. Cause our dog was having bouts of diarrhea and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's the thing, to the casual observer, and I've been reposting these on Instagram, and I read the comments and some people are like, what a psycho, dead behind the eyes, 100% crazy. And then there's the oddball who's like, well, what's wrong with Garth? He seems super nice. And you're like, you're missing the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's faking sincerity and mostly he's faking being humble. And I think that's what reads to me, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I find really condescending, yeaah, is like, ha, ha, ha, I'm Mr. Hashtag Happy. Hashtag Mr. Yearwood. I took over her socials for today. Everybody's seeing her picture cake. Like, what? What are you just, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you, coming from somebody that's had both colors, uh, pre-children, I had them pink, now they're brown and purple-y.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I mean, I'm not a guy, so you tell me, Tommy. I, I honestly feel like I, I kinda like I'm darker now, cause before they, I'm very pale under here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I kind of wish, uhm, I used to have a bit about this that I stopped doing, but I kind of wish women would stop torturing themselves with weight, with looks, and with things of this nature, like, my vagina's a little sloppier looking than I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's unhealthy. But I'm talking about the girls that are like, guys only like it when we're skinny. Guys only will like me if I'm this weight. Here's the truth that I've learned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy out there who's gonna love whatever it is you're offering. The straight ones, the real dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one time Tommy and I did a gig together when we were like year 7 in stand up and we showed up together, we were both performing that night and the Booker goes to me, you're a comedian?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Tom, to his credit, stands up for me and goes, Jesus man, what is this, the 1950s? And you busted his balls. And I was like, wow, that was so, it happened so much to me that I was like, you get to sensitize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's awesome. We've been marrying our 10 year anniversaries coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard. Well, I wanted to make fun of the particular people at the, at the moment. Even now I look at those jokes. I got a few Louie jokes and I was like, Oh fuck. Like he had gone out into the clubs and I wish I had been able to write about what he's recently from shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even stuff that I love. I'll be watching someone's hour on Netflix and I just don't have the time because I've got a kid screaming. I'm like, ah fuck, I want to win, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I know what I wanted to ask you. I follow you on Instagram. And I've noticed that you're very, uh, into your skin care regime. I guess I am. Is that the word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like unless you're 20 years old, you're always going to look old. It's like, dude, I'm not like, I'm not trying to fool nobody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you buy them, right? Like you put them in your separate container and eat them out of your bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what they said to Garth Brooks. They go, you need to do social media and Garth was reluctant. And then that's what happens when they don't want to do it and they're automatons inside, they're dead inside and they want to be relatable and they're not relatable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I refrain a lot from social media when I ain't got shit to say, I ain't gonna say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're great at it. I think you should give yourself credit because you're very vulnerable and I would say that is so hard to do on Instagram and brave and great and it's worked for you. I think you've done it really, really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys farted. Stop it. One month into it, he put my hand in his crotch and he farted on my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm so excited right now. I mean, we've had many famous people in studio. You are by far, I'm just, I'm so excited, I'm so starstruck right now to be sitting next to the one and only Kate Chastain from Below Deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, cause Tom and I, every season without fail, we marvel at how hard you guys work. And we sit there and we're like, how do these people do this? Like you're not sleeping, uhm, and the exterior has it rough cause of the heat and the salt and then you guys have it rough because of the drunk people you're dealing with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what struck me about you, eh, you're a fantastic writer. You're very funny. First of all, that's why we love you. Your commentary is so funny on this show. And what I've always admired about you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that you're never afraid to be who you are. And I think especially as women's society has us being polite all the time and smiling and you know, and you were so refreshing cause, and I hate using the word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just think you're a person, uh, who likes what they do. You're very professional. Uhm, but what struck me as interesting is that you come from kind of a fancy pants background, right?


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[Assistant] I was just trying to think of how shocking it must have been for you the first time you worked on a yacht and you're like, oh my god, like I'm really working. This is really hard.


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[Assistant] So let me ask you one, I love the preference sheet meeting. So Captain Lee sits down with Kate and who else, the boss and a chef. Yes. And comes the preference sheet, which is a photograph of the primary, which is like the lead guest. It's his, her, it's their party.


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[Assistant] Here's what we're, here's what we're not gonna do. Uhm, any kind of themed night. No parties. No themes.


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[Assistant] He's fine. He doesn't have a bump running. Um, no.


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[Assistant] So, okay, so, cucumber ovaries, and then, what, I know, I don't like the foam party guy, that's disgusting.


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[Assistant] Oh, let me ask you, and I, it's like a production question too. The plane ticket in the envelope, real stuff, or production stuff.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what she writes about in this book, is that didn't they dock you somewhere horrendous?


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[Assistant] Uhm, you mentioned that you try not to cry on Charter, especially in front of cameras.


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[Assistant] Uhm, there seems to me to be a theme on this show of fucking crybabies who


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[Assistant] For whatever reason, break down and call their fucking mommies all the time and cry about, like Rocky was a notorious crybaby mommy caller, right?


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[Assistant] We weren't, eh, they weren't casting nuts yet. Like, we weren't genuine, they cast, here's what happened. Mary Alice Bunema, Bunema Marie, she came from a soap opera background. So her casting decisions were based on finding interesting people, not crazy people.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And I think that's why Below Deck is so successful. You got a good mix of both.


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[Assistant] Uh, I liked it cause, uh, yeaah, you traveled. I was broke. So back in the day they filmed for two full months.


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[Assistant] So now in the real world, you used to film for like five months, but now they've got that, well the show's canceled, but they got the show down to like a month maybe. But we didn't always stay in the Winnebago. That was a production thing. They just made it look like we did. We stayed in youth hostels a lot. We were all in the same room, like bunking together. It was super cute.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was great. I was, what, 21 years old and I got to see another country and...


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[Assistant] You know, be on MTV, which was like the shit, right? Wow. And then you did the challenge. I did one challenge in Jamaica and I was miserable. I had a nervous breakdown by day two. I was like, I can, these people, cause by then it was the nut bags they had cast. I don't like that shit.


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[Assistant] Especially because I was 26 years old by the time I had done, uh, the challenge and they were like, sit on a block of ice and a bikini for two hours for a free bike. And I was like,


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[Assistant] And it was to release the company from any liability. And I was wrestling crocodiles, jumping off cliffs, and back then, they didn't give a shit.


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[Assistant] Hey, what do you think, cause I'm so-


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[Assistant] I don't know. I can't imagine doing your job. I can't imagine...


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[Assistant] Being nice to shit-bird people, like, what kind of personality type is drawn to this work, you think?


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[Assistant] Bananas. So what are you doing now? So you got Bravo, you got your book out, where can people get your book?


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[Assistant] Tell, she seems to do a great job on her degenerates. Make sure she knows you love her.


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[Assistant] Hashtag S. Manning. Hashtag good country music. Hashtag you're it. Why are you it?


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[Assistant] What's your show about? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Go see Christine and do a stand up. Now we're talking. Thanks Tom.


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[Assistant] I'm just gonna say, people can't see my sweatpants, hopefully. Are you wearing pants today?


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[Assistant] Well, uh, uh, November 24th, Man Diego at the House of Blues. Tickets are moving very quickly. I'm almost completely sold out, so get them now. That's Thanksgiving weekend.


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[Assistant] And then December 8th, Jude Ortidius, I've added a second show at the Gramercy Theatre, 10.30, so get those tickets. Everything's almost gone, guys. Yeaah. It's exciting, it's a maze. And then 2019, I'll be announcing, hopefully soon.


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[Assistant] You know what's neat about Pachanga is that it already sounds like a dirty word, doesn't it? Like put it in my Pachanga. Whoa. Right?


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[Assistant] Jeans. How tight are your jeans? Mine are very tight.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah, we've had, we've, people have sent us that one. It's not nearly as volatile as what you've got in your real ass.


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[Assistant] You know what's fun is because we say Salmon as a joke and that when we're out in public, so many people say Salmon with a hard L and that it's not right.


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[Assistant] Salmon. That and I hear library a lot too.


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[Assistant] Guys, it's jokes. So, so wait a minute, so we, I remember this, we had our salmon, I had some seafoods too, and then on the drive home,


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[Assistant] First of all, here's the shit thing you do, is you don't give me any heads up, there's no warning.


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[Assistant] And then you don't cross-ventilate, which everybody knows, if you're gonna fart in a car, all the windows have to be down. Passenger and driver, you gotta cross-ventilate that fucking thing.


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[Assistant] Some guy you s- you saw dancing with headphones on. Yeah. And then he farted. Did you say this on the show? Yeah, I said it, yeah. That was so funny.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well you didn't, cause when you have headphones on you don't think people can hear what you're doing.


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[Assistant] But your mom's got monstrous farts. That's a good point. She weighs like 80 pounds.


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[Assistant] Cutting a fart. That's such a foreigner thing.


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[Assistant] No, I know, this is a foreigner thing. My parents just accursed at me all the time.


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[Assistant] No. Like, if I would fart, my dad would be like, Like, you rotten whore mother cunt fuck. And you're like, yeaah. I think that was normal.


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[Assistant] Cause your dad doesn't like, lay blame. He's so sweet.


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[Assistant] Uh, oh, I have a hemorrhoids update. Oh, we're not done with this though. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. Alright.


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[Assistant] So anyways, first of all, thank you for the outpouring of emails and concern about my hemorrhoids. I really appreciate all the thoughtful advice.


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[Assistant] So, uh, many of you recommended Tuck's medicated pads.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I got a recommendation for this Chinese cream you can buy on Amazon, so that's coming.


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[Assistant] And high fiber, things of that nature. But I, which I tell you, I already have pretty fibrous, good dumps. Uhm, and I started using tucks. What I would do is I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I knew I was kind of sitting around for a minute, like to breastfeed the kid or something, I'd take, uhm, a ToxPad.


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[Assistant] And kind of fold it like a taco and then just put it up against my hemorrhoids, like just kind of like a, like a pad and have it soak on my hemorrhoid, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Like just sitting there? Good news! It's already worked.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well this is the uniform of straight, heterosexual, nighking guys. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Come on, be honest, if you met some guy on the hiking trail, and he was like, tch, bitches can't suck cock for shit. Try me out. Try out. I've taken my 10 to 12 Benadryl.


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[Assistant] Well, they just fuck out in the streets. When I lived in San Diego, I'd see guys butt fucking. This is in the height of like the 90s though, when, when, you know, gay guys ruled that place. I don't know if they still do, now it's more yuppies, but.


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[Assistant] I'm telling you, one time I saw two guys just buttfucking on the street. They have clubs everywhere, guys.


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[Assistant] Putting their dicks through holes and other guys just going to suck em. I mean, they're fucking savages, dude. They're awesome. They used to rule it. It was like...


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[Assistant] It makes me crazy when gay people write to me and they're like, I live in fucking Alabama and they hate, they hate me cause I'm gay. Get the fuck out of there.


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[Assistant] Now, porn's banned in China, right?


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[Assistant] Oh yea, it says sex education faces great challenges in China. Jingzhan, a professor of sociology at Beijing's, I don't know how to say this, Tsinghua? I'm fluent in Chinese. Asshole. University.


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[Assistant] You're not even gonna comment on me, on my beautiful pronunciation.


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[Assistant] Take sex education classes where they learn basic knowledge on condoms. Okay, anyway. Huh. Wow.


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[Assistant] But no, that, that is, I mean, this has to be a stupid couple. I mean, why would you put it in, that's where the chocolate comes out. I know.


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[Assistant] You know what's interesting is that- Huge backlash, by the way. Right, I don't think people aren't exactly applauding this return. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And it's interesting because we've had conversations with other people in our business, like what's the timeline here? How long do you think he's gonna hold out before he comes back?


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[Assistant] Didn't hate him before this, I was kinda like, ehh, I'm on the scale of shitty things that have happened. He's not a Weinstein, he's not exactly a Cosby, he sucks, that sucks, but it was not on the scale of shit, shit bird.


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[Assistant] This makes me not like him. Cause you're like, motherfucker, if you don't know to stay the fuck away for at least a year.


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[Assistant] You don't got no sense. He has no sense. And talk about the sense of entitlement. Like dude, you're clueless. Like if you're coming back this early.


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[Assistant] Right, well, I think what you're saying, which is, I agree with too, is like, the way the law functions, right, like, there's no real due process with what's happening. Like, people are being accused and then it's like, you're gone, off with your head, disappear. Whereas there's no, like, legal system being involved.


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[Assistant] Uhm, if we could have, I wish, gotten the legal system, maybe there's a way to get


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[Assistant] Right, because the whole point is to make somebody whole again. That's the whole point of the legal system.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I think that might be the biggest flaw of the MeToo movement is just like, okay, I get it, like, we're not victim blaming. If a girl says it should happen, yeah, okay, it happened. So let's get, what are the next steps? Let's be very clear and specific about punishment and- Yeah.


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[Assistant] And we weren't. And that's why this shit is not fucking working now. Now he's back.


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[Assistant] We were talking about this yesterday, even before this happened. So funny, weren't we just talking about Louie before this story broke, like yesterday at dinner? And, uh, and we were like, you know, at the end of the day, a lot of people don't give a shit what people do in their private lives. I mean, you have, who's the director who lives in France and he was fucking... Polanski. Polanski.


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[Assistant] He's, he's so silly to go out this early though. I just don't think it's, it's not, it's clueless. Can I tell you what it is? It really shows to me an arrogance and an obliviousness to the gravity of this movement and the gravity of what he's done. It to me reads very callous.


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[Assistant] In both of those scenarios, right? Him showing up doing a pop-in and then him taking his dick out and asking you if it's okay and he's already come, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that would be fantastic. Everybody does. Hey standing ovation.


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[Assistant] Everybody, give him a, a round of jargon. Uh, yeaah, he didn't bring it up.


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[Assistant] He's back, well there's a trailer, it's a silhouette of him jerking off and it's like, your favorite jerk off comedian, he's back.


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[Assistant] I, I, I have to say that I was more on his side, kind of, on this thing, and now I'm more like, oh, this guy doesn't get it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's odd, and I'll tell you, I mean, it's odd that he's not addressing it.


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[Assistant] A year. At least. But that's a few more months. So what? At least waiting for the holidays for some other creepo to come out. One other big fish. One other big fucking creeper.


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[Assistant] That Asia Argento story's pretty great, that kinda, you know what, maybe that's what did it, cause that kinda delegitimized the movement a bit, is having that thing with Asia, and she was paying off the guy who accused her of sexual...


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[Assistant] But who knows, I don't know the, I don't know, who knows what the fuck is really happening there, but I do think that that delegitimized the movement a bit, having one of the biggest people.


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[Assistant] No, but I'm saying it definitely lends itself to delegitimizing a lot of this movement. So maybe that's why Louie felt a little entitled. You might be right about that. I don't know. I'm just, you know, speculating. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Nobody's rad. I mean, it seems really tactless and clueless and honestly, like, Cosby touring right after his accusers, it's a little-


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[Assistant] It definitely reads as like, I'm oblivious to the reality of this situation. And you're right, there's no penance, there's no closure for the women. He did put out a press release, it was kinda bullshitty.


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[Assistant] You know what the strategy is? I'll tell you what it is. It's what that director did who fucked the 13 year old. You moved to France.


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[Assistant] That's the thing, Woody Allen, pull that one too, you go to France, go to France. Cause they don't give a fuck about kid fuckers and masturbators and, and, uh, you know, rapists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They invented france kissing, menage a place, coming in little girls. They don't give a fuck. So you move to France for two years, that's your penance. You leave the country, you disappear, you just have to disappear. And that means don't check on media to see what's up with your name, like fuck off. They'll let the French embrace you, and then once they've embraced you, then you come back. Do what this fucking director dude did.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, leave the country bro. Take your fucking family and get out.


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[Assistant] Forgoing, cause I was just thinking of Monica Lewinsky, who was like, one of the first people to be really publicly shamed for a sexual...


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[Assistant] So we have a long rich history of pedophiles, perverts, and rapists who are beloved.


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[Assistant] Good lord. What is happening in this world? I don't know. We are in the upside down. This last couple years have just been bonkers, right?


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[Assistant] Let's put bets on it right now. Alright, do you think he's that clueless and oblivious and checked out that he's gonna persist? Or does he have the self-awareness to go, I better take a step back?


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[Assistant] I say announce guys. Give the audience, and I agree with you too, let the market dictate. That's what we're all about in this country. You let the market tell you whether or not it's working.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know, I'd be interested to see it only if he talks about the truth. Only if he addresses it. Am I interested in hearing about, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stuff he was talking about before. Now all I want to know about is what's life been like for you the last nine months? It must have been fucking horrendous.


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[Assistant] Yeah, who's on board with him? Definitely not Hannah Gatsby. She's got a lot more to say on this.


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[Assistant] I mean, she's Australian. We gotta get her in here.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, the world is changing. And by the way, that is Donald Trump's, uhm, method whenever some huge shit breaks, like the Stormy Daniels and this last one, who's the guy, uh, Cohen. Uh, he's just like, I don't give a shit, fake news fuckers, let's go. You're like, wow, that was brazen.


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[Assistant] Yeah, whenever someone gets turned out of his thing, they're a piece of shit, like Omarosa, too. I don't know who hired that piece of shit. Like, you did!


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[Assistant] Strange. Very fucking crazy. Yeaah, I'm excited to see what his next move is. I'm guessing more obliviousness.


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[Assistant] This is, you know what this is? I need attention. I need so much attention, I'm gonna-


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[Assistant] Do you know what this reminds me of? Uh, you used to have a bit where you talk about how toddlers tell you stories. Oh yeaah. This is, this is akin to like, and it's to go with you out in the world. And you're like, nobody want it. Okay, that was cute.


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[Assistant] How can they listen to each other do it? That's the part I don't understand.


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[Assistant] No, I know, cause I did like a couple improv and I was like, I'm out. This is not for me, bro. This is not funny. Like this doesn't feel good.


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[Assistant] Well I like the idea of all that, but that doesn't feel like that's gonna get me there. Do you know what else would make me, make my asshole pucker?


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[Assistant] And he goes, come over on Sunday, we're doing our drum circle. You're really going to like it. And I go, what's a drum circle? I kind of knew them in San Francisco.


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[Assistant] And he's like, we all, we just get high and drunk, whatever. And you just, you just bang on the bongo and I go, I don't play the, when was this? This is a million years. I was 24. Oh boy. Now I found out later.


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[Assistant] No, I don't talk to him on Facebook. You had this story a few weeks ago. I said, we all went to college together, so occasionally, I'm talking once every few years. This guy or a different guy? No, this guy's a grown man. This was an adult person when I was 24. This other guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all went to college together. I'm saying every one to four years, there's an update about.


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[Assistant] So, a couple episodes back, we had a discussion on whether or not it's ethical, uh, to make love to, uh, what are they called? Developmentally challenged person? Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, it was whether or not it's okay to, if they're really attractive, to have, uh, sexual relations with somebody of, of diminished mental capacity. And, uh, we came to the conclusion that no, it was not because Forrest Gump actually is a movie. The whole premise is a genity.


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[Assistant] Has sex with Forrest, and that's really not ethical, it's not cool, and ended up being one of the most beloved movies. So, Steph2Death on Twitter, at Steph2Death writes, To add to the Forrest Gump slash Jenny conversation, as much as I love the film, if the gender roles, we don't like talking about gender,


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[Assistant] If the gender roles were reversed and it was a guy coming back and taking advantage of a mentally challenged girl it would be a much different movie. True that.


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[Assistant] Ah, yes she is, and she was traveling around as a hippie, doing drugs, trying to find her way in the world, which gives you permission to have sex with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, developmentally disabled person and guineas. So it's all excusable, right?


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[Assistant] Hey man, these tits are feeding it. Well, we just didn't take the newborn out that day.


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[Assistant] We left the newborn, uh, in a crate, right, Tom?


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[Assistant] All of these are. And here's the thing about FGT-RTD is that it's open to interpretation.


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[Assistant] There's no one definition of it. It's just, it's all these things, guys.


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[Assistant] I would love to speak to him because this man is the people's hero.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you Paul, we love your accessibility because there's another fart person in the show and he's very reluctant to be in the spotlight.


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[Assistant] Wow. What a real talent, you know?


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[Assistant] If anything, your mom's house has broken so many talented people. Ugh, I know. Rappers, uh, farters, gluttons. You think about...


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[Assistant] We have graced a hi mommy thanks jeans. It's many a drive through.


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[Assistant] And I think he can have a very lucrative social media career.


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[Assistant] I think that this is a lane that a lot of people like and enjoy his talent. And why not? Why not go to his Patreon and help him out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, why not? People do it for just being good looking, right? Like that Cameron Dallas kid.


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[Assistant] But that's her god-given innate talent, and this is this guy's god-given innate talent.


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[Assistant] Well, good for him. You know, getting fired from that job might be the best thing that ever happened to him, because now he's gonna go into this lane.


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[Assistant] Maybe, or he's trying to be funny and it's just- Maybe. I still don't understand the choice to not put your teeth in for a video that goes on the internet.


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[Assistant] I still can't get past the decision to not put your teeth in. And maybe, I mean, maybe I'm vain.


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[Assistant] But even just leaving, or just around the house, I gotta tell ya, I can't imagine walking around without teeth.


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[Assistant] And then to be like, I'm sick of white women, I wanna, demanding shit. Yeah. Eugh. Nasty as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it true skinny women don't, don't do anything and the black women are like this and all that?


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[Assistant] It makes me upset cause he's my guy. I know, of course. Yeah, don't laugh at my guy like that. Like I get that he's funny, it is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, no. I'm gonna go amphetamine. Drugs.


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[Assistant] Everybody's on drugs, everybody's fucking stupid.


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[Assistant] But the cameras came on cell phones and everybody was panicked, like, what's the world gonna be like when you can record anything? Like, it got pretty fucking awesome, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's his jam. Well, good for him.


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[Assistant] French kiss, and you got a French. That guy?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but stay united, he's been drinking in the sun all day, beer, like hot beer breath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he doesn't drink beer all day in the hot sun. The beer breath is really what I'm thinking about. And the rot. You gotta pick one.


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[Assistant] He's so damn creepy. You know we haven't watched that in a while. I forgot how creepy he is. Let the conversation begin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking to the most normal, boring person sexually.


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[Assistant] I think he's got demons that are darker than anything you and I could ever muster or imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know. And this good guy persona, that's always the kiss of death, you know? It's the preacher that is preaching against gays and then he's blowing dudes in bathroom stalls. It's like, I'm perfect. Like, no, you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to be, he's trying to be perfect. He's trying to be awesome. He's trying to not be weird. He's goddamn weird inside.


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[Assistant] Dude, he was eating her foot. So for people who can't see, this guy was at a stoplight and like chowing on his wife's foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's like the trash collector, he's like the city, oh no, it's like a van.


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[Assistant] I don't know how to stop, like, you know, handle your business behind closed doors, y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Problem is, in our culture, there's no fucking sense of shame anymore. You know, there's no sense of public versus private life, man. You know?


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[Assistant] Now everybody's got cameras, they can video you being a fucking jackass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's true. That's a good part. Let's bring Shane back. I want to bring it back. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm good. I really feel depraved now. I feel like that was an especially depraved episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one? Yeah, we covered so much weird shit. There was, I love it. Toothless Guy, Stayin' Alive Guy, The New Jam, Farter, Paul Fart, Fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, did you, did you tell her? She's like, yes, she's been, she's been told not to do such a thing. I'm like, yeah, it's nasty. That's so nasty.


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[Assistant] Oh no, that accent sounds familiar by the way. Oh boy. And then she does, see?


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[Assistant] What is this part? How do you part in it? I don't understand this.


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[Assistant] Can you, uh, make a, make a show for me? So I, a process, uh, uh, face a fire thing.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't understand it. A face of art is the same?


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[Assistant] Uh, you can go to Christina P online and get those advanced tickets because they will hopefully sell out again. Lovely. Thank you everybody that's purchased tickets already.


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[Assistant] I mean it is, I always find it kind of odd that guys are shirtless in public, like jogging, I mean that's kind of weird.


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[Assistant] That's awesome. And you get to watch with other viewers, is that right? That's how that works?


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[Assistant] Well the alarming bit too, now that I think about it, is just doing any sort of video shirtless.


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[Assistant] You look really cute. I can't wait to look like a person again. This is very exciting.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I'm, we have four weeks to go. I'm in the final countdown. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Which is crazy. It kinda went by really fast, didn't it? I mean, for, for me it did.


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[Assistant] As I'm feeding him the first night, we can do a show there.


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[Assistant] It's a lot, yeaah. You probably don't get that way from having a great childhood, I'm guessing.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's been really neat because you've been into a brand new series on Netflix.


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[Assistant] Well, it's been really great for my life and for my falling asleep times. Cause now all I fall asleep to are episodes of this show. And it's like a panicked 911 call is like the first episode. I was like, 911, what's your emergency? And he's like, my wife, my wife fell down the stairs.


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[Assistant] And you're just ear to ear, I'm looking over at you and you can't even, you're so excited about these horrifying calls.


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[Assistant] So what should be one episode is, what, 12 or 13?


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[Assistant] And dark. It's gotta be pitch black. I like it. Pitch black.


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[Assistant] Like panicked 911 calls, generally not soothing for somebody falling asleep.


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[Assistant] I mean it's already terrifying to fall asleep to this.


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[Assistant] How do you watch all this shit before you fall asleep? Doesn't it give you nightmares, babe?


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[Assistant] I remember it cause I'm listening to it. Kathleen and I were having wine out here. That's right. Right. And then Kathleen went upstairs and then I went in shortly after and then I found her at the bottom of the staircase.


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[Assistant] Our son's asleep, the house is nice and quiet, the dogs have been let out, the dogs are on


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not even hearing that, like I just don't want to hear a person suffering or calling in that their wife is dead. I'm like, oh my gosh.


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[Assistant] And isn't that the- Everywhere. That's like the one thing every woman says who's been abused. She's like, I just fell down the stairs. Like everyone uses that as an excuse. Oh right.


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[Assistant] I just, I wish there were cameras in our bedroom where like I'm just like this sweet little angel that I am. Yeah. Just trying to sleep and I hear, oh I fell out of the 911, what's your emergency? My wife! It's terrible, it's terrible.


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[Assistant] Oh good, good. Hopefully you can watch those while I'm sleeping too. Yeaah. I can go into my subconscious mind, give me nightmares and terrors.


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[Assistant] This is how you go. This is what you drift off to. You know, I think it's so important to be cautious about what you put into your mind before you sleep.


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[Assistant] Whatever affirmations or maybe a nice meditation before bed.


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[Assistant] So this really goes against everything I believe in terms of the unconscious mind. Cause I do loop on things. Sure. You know.


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[Assistant] A lot of people do, but I'm not a lot of people and I don't agree with it. I think that it's really crazy. I think that it's really not good for you, babe.


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[Assistant] To what? Violence and murder before bedtime? It's in your, it gets in your mind.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I woke, I wake up to pee every hour and I wake up, I woke up to like a gay escort giving his, what's that word?


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[Assistant] Well they have, that's the gig. I remember for the two weeks I was in law school.


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[Assistant] What they taught me in criminal law for the two weeks I was in law school is that it doesn't matter the guilt or innocence of your client, you're just presenting the best possible


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[Assistant] Because everybody's due their process under the law. It's just crazy.


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[Assistant] It took me, I'll tell you how much two, two weeks in law school back in the early 2000s cost me $6,000.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, it took a few years. But I did it, man.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. So that we can fart. One road in. Nooo.


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[Assistant] Now here's the thing though with the fart during the massage is that if you just do one good clench,


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[Assistant] I found that that usually remedies it and the fart just goes back up inside of you and you're done.


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[Assistant] Uhm, apropos our discussion the other day, we were laying in bed and uhm,


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[Assistant] You, I think we're farting or burping or something, and...


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[Assistant] So, would you rather, would you rather have super burps?


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[Assistant] I'm talking, so you know what I mean, when you do like a sonic burp, like super loud.


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[Assistant] That was him. Right, of course that's the king. Or ass rippers farts all the time. Now,


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[Assistant] Okay, now what if I took the smell out of the farts?


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[Assistant] It's always fun. There was this girl in high school who could drink like a can of Dr. Pepper and then she could belch the alphabet. That's how talented she was.


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[Assistant] No, girls are very good burbers. No, women are, women are incredible.


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[Assistant] I mean, there are a few girls from high school. No, I do. I feel like, uh, women can do it.


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[Assistant] Speaking of which, we've been having these meetings lately with various whatever people and you burped as you were talking to this important person. Did I? Yea babe, we were in our manager's office.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm kinda, I'm glad that he knows now who he's dealing with.


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[Assistant] And then you burped one time with sickle cell. You guys were meeting with some executives.


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[Assistant] As a woman, if you let out a sonic fart in public,


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[Assistant] Nobody's going to assume it's me. They're always going to assume it's me.


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[Assistant] No, not necessarily, because if I'm standing next to you in public and I fart, people are just going to think it's you.


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[Assistant] And we were both checking in and...


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[Assistant] Just like calling people jeans all the time or mommy, which we do constantly. No pushback. Zero pushback.


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[Assistant] Holy shit. How fantastic was that? That was genius. That was such perfection.


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[Assistant] That was masterful. Oh, that was so funny.


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[Assistant] Holy cow. We'll fart Simpson, wow.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, I'm gonna pass out, that was so funny.


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[Assistant] Oh, good lord. He sets him up so well too.


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[Assistant] If only he knew, you know, these people don't even know how much they inspire us.


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[Assistant] Dude, what kind of nasty motherfucker? I mean, that's wrong. Every three days?


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[Assistant] No, it doesn't matter if your genitals and your butthole are clean.


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[Assistant] Usage. Why can't he, can he not afford daily boxers or underwears?


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[Assistant] No, no, no, she needs to sit down with him. Really talk about it.


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[Assistant] You gotta take that shit off after cause they're all sweaty after you've been telling jokes for two hours.


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[Assistant] I would rather wash them in the sink, like if I didn't have access to buying them.


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[Assistant] Wait, why, I can't ask you this, why are men so fucking disgusting? Like, do we, are you guys just not taught hygiene from your parents? Like, your father has to teach you, right?


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[Assistant] That's nasty. Yeah, but our toilet's always funky with your brown splatters.


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[Assistant] That's so nasty. I wonder, there's not, I wonder if, there's nasty girls too probably that do that. Ugh.