[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, this is because of my viewing of Wednesday, that TV show that I love, and there's a character on there.


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[Assistant] Who's super tall, like super tall, but she's super pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think in real life sees she's super tall. Cause I've seen her at press junkets and she looks super tall. What's her name? It's a lady. I don't know. Can you look it up on Netflix? Uh, Wednesday, super tall. It's the principal character. Mrs. Weems. That's her. Gwendolyn Christie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, she's super pretty, and I'm pretty sure she's 6'3".


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[Assistant] Yeah, but look how pretty she is. Like she's red and she's all British and stuff and like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like she's like super cool, like her outfit and like, she's rad, she's got powers, like whatever. She's very pretty. But she's 6'3". So it got me to thinking, got me to thinking, would you rather be 6'3", too tall or too short as a man?


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[Assistant] But let's say, hold on, let's take it up higher. Like, what's freakishly tall for a man? For a man? Seven.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. I guess I'd rather be too short as a woman.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not really, I'm, I'll tell you what my thing is, cause I'm not so much on like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a little chunky, I don't like too skinny. Uhm, my judgement is more about teeth.


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[Assistant] You know what you should do? You should pat yourself on the back for being like that.


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[Assistant] Look her up in Wednesday. Google her in Wednesday. Cause I like her whole aesthetic. And you'll see why. She and I share an aesthetic. That's her. Like white hair, red lip. Yeaah. She's very, I like her whole steeze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can get it. She can get it, yeaah, she's gorgeous, I like her. Okay, and then I thought, what's worser?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, not brushing your teeth enough.


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[Assistant] If I don't put on deodorant, I'm thinking about it all day. Like remember when we recorded your mom's house? Like I don't-


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[Assistant] I'm not super sweaty, but I do obsess over it cause then I'll be worried that I stink.


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[Assistant] So I'm gonna choose the deodor- I would rather not have brushed my teeth fully, cause then I can chew gum.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Cause sometimes I'll wake up and I won't shower.


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[Assistant] And I won't put on deodorant and then I'll work out and I'm like, I'm too smelly. I don't like this. Sometimes I'll wake up, shower, workout, shower again. Cause I hate that like funky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Like, honestly, I think like, yeah, like crunchy, hippie dirt bags that are like, I don't, I don't use aluminum deals.


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[Assistant] 100%. And like, oh, you know how you can treat a yeast infection? You can treat it naturally by putting yogurt in your pussy. Like that's not how you treat that.


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[Assistant] Ate a bunch of Indian food, so theoretically he should have smelled like that, right?


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[Assistant] But he didn't. I mean maybe my whole house smelled like him, so I don't know.


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[Assistant] It's neat that the kids get to play around that too, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, okay, I will say Europeans in the summertime don't often shave their pits or wear deodorant. I've been in Hungary and Budapest in the summertime and some of those nasty bitches with their pits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Asian guy that I dated never caught a whiff. He'd never stank either. I don't think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's not a lot of hair. And hair traps, sweat and smells. Definitely. But, but you know what you do smell in Korea? Garlic. Through everything. Like I'm saying like, the hotels, like garlic, the people, like garlic.


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[Assistant] Got you. It's that's, that's a cultural like. I will say.


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[Assistant] Could be. That's really good, that's a good theory in who's the hairiest.


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[Assistant] It is hair, cause this guy was really hairy and it trapped the smells.


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[Assistant] But you must enjoy my musk as well because we're bonded pair.


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[Assistant] I'm like, I've been with you for so long, I don't even smell your dumps anymore. Like you just took a shit yesterday and then I walked in after and didn't really smell it.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ, and an egg too? No. Just the steak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You needed that protein, I guess. Good for you. Wow, you're savage.


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[Assistant] See, I have a theory. Did it upset- did it upset your stomach? Cause you- then you came in here-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I have this thing my dad always told me like if you're eating heavy, you should put carbohydrate with it. Like if you're eating sausage, you should have like toast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that not true? I feel like everybody... Stop it. Really? God, this is one of those things my parents told me that's wrong?


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[Assistant] No, don't, it comes, right? You just have to relax. And do you wash your legs in the shower?


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[Assistant] Or just people that did sports in their youth, it sets up your musculature for like the rest of your life. I did nothing and it shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how much pussy would crush as a male ballerino?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder how many male ballerinas are homosexual, but Mikhail Brushnikov was hot and he crushed. Now Mikhail Brushnikov was hot. Even as an oldie, he's good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Google has physique when he was young, like prime dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, sorry, I have to say it before I forget it. Do you remember that club that put your headshot up and Eric Lundy had photoshopped a dildo into the headshot and the comedy club put it up on their calendar?


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[Assistant] Or you know what's super disheartening is like you do sell out like a big venue. And you're like.


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[Assistant] No, I'm like, let's take the whole month of December off.


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[Assistant] Well, cause why are you working so hard if not to enjoy?


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[Assistant] It's funny you bring that up because when I was in Jew Dirt Titties last time, I was marveling at how, how do people have dogs in New York City? Cause there's no grass for them to poop on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just dread the time when they don't want to take your phone call. Cause with me, remember when we were in college, you were like, fuck, it's my mom. God damn it, you don't answer.


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[Assistant] God damn it, cause they wanna be with us now, and I always think of that. They're not gonna want to be with us for much longer, right? When does that end?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I like, I like our seven year old a whole lot. He's rad. Like, he's so chill to be with. Like, come on Ellis, let's go. And he's like, okay, cool. Like, he just, he goes along and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's really up my ass right now. Like he's really an amami. He's going through some serious stuff, which is fine. I'm there. You know, you're just like, all right, dude, we'll get through this phase. Like he's so up my asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool.


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[Assistant] And then dad is the regulator, like, show him what the world is like, bro. And I provide love and cookies and stuff. That's good. Snuggles, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, yeah, when I was younger, you had to just, well, here's the thing. I believe it's more, what's the word I'm looking for, kinder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. To just drop the axe quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is just do it and then be done. And let him, you're not there to console him.


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[Assistant] But girls too, we switch on you on a dime. When I was younger, when I was done, I was done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know shit. And then you think the guys that you're friends with are just your friends, but they're jackals just waiting to get in there. So they'll give you advice too. Like, yeah, he kind of sucks. And then that guy will swoop it on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also what I noticed hanging out with little girls, like my nieces and stuff, is like little boys will exhaust you physically.


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[Assistant] And just like, stop fucking hitting him! Don't put your finger in your ass and then in your eye! Stop doing that! That's the exhaustion with boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it goes because my parents were like such communists, like they literally escaped communism. So my upbringing was stuff is not as important. Stuff is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I see stuff as great and fun, but stuff to me doesn't equate love because I was always taught that growing up, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just stuff. You'll die, stuff goes. And to me, like, I will give you my fucking heart, my life, my love, and my time. Like, I gave you two sons, motherfucker. Like, that's what I see, is like, I bore you two kings. You know what I mean? Like, I give you my life, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah. Yeaah, I enjoy it. But it's not an instinct. It's not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very handsome. Is this how you react when your wife gives you affection? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, can I tell you also my relation to stuff, which is, this is totally morbid and depressing. Just preface. When I cleaned out my mom, when my mom died and I cleaned out all her stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother had a wonderful jewel- jewelry.


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[Assistant] And when I was going through her apartment and I was like, where's my mom's jewelry? I know this bitch had it cause she would never let me touch it as a teenager and I wanted it, you know? So my dad and I were like looking for days dude, like days were going by. Where's this bitch's jewelry at? And my dad was like, I know she has it. She's hiding it somewhere. There's no way this woman doesn't have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We finally find it. It's hidden in the back of her closet, inside of a suitcase, inside of a suit bag, an old suit bag. My mother had just thrown in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diamond rings, pearl necklaces, all these beautiful things, and I remember going to myself like, what a waste, what a shame, like, you have all these beautiful things, and yet you have to conceal, you have to hide them to save them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to and then I cleaned out my dead mom's stuff and then all the handbags that are like, where are they now?


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[Assistant] But then also, I, I almost saved this sweater for another thing. We were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outfit. It's these pants I wear, the Burberry trousers, because they've got pockets. I can put my phone in that pocket, and then I'll wear a black top, and then this certain jacket. Because it's just the right amount of pockets, it's just the right amount of warmth, or cool, no matter what, perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kinda, I kinda, you end up buying the same stuff over and over anyway. I know. Once you define your style, then you're like, this is, this is what I can wear. I think I'm, I wish I were the girl that can wear boho, whatever. I ain't, my body's not gonna look good in that.


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[Assistant] I mean, I just thought that was kinda cool, wouldn't be ever seen a snake eat a baby chicken like that.


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[Assistant] I'm finding this very interesting. I've never seen a snake do that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, neglect. I think I would have to, right? Like just not parent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Satan. Who do you date? Her or the girl with all the piercings though? You have to choose one. Who are you bringing home to mom and dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put the facial tats. I mean, did you, you probably didn't even notice the...


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[Assistant] Wait, but hold on, give her a minute, look, she did a lot of cocaine, she's having her nose rebuilt, and she's gonna look better once it heals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and she's going to have to shave the tip of her nose for the rest of her life.


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[Assistant] Well, she's obviously got problems, homie. Like, that ain't normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm here at the gym, I'm here with the power of Christ. Now get off that machine, it's my turn. It's own, the own network?


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[Assistant] I would not order any kind of fish on the weekend, Monday or Tuesday, unless it's coming from the dock itself. Do not order the fish. Second burgers.


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[Assistant] You are literally taking your life into your own hands if you eat it anything less than well done.


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[Assistant] Any kind of special the day, I would stay away from that. They're just trying to use up stuff that hasn't sold.


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[Assistant] Same thing, soup of the day. It's all leftovers. Mostly bits of stuff that was just a little bit left.


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[Assistant] And unless you absolutely have to have it, I would skip dessert too, cause chances are it was made more than a week ago. Sorry.


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[Assistant] I can cook for you, clean up your house. When you come home, baby, you just gotta jump in the tub with all them bubbles. Once I touch your booty, I'ma make you cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One ter, one, one, one ter, one ter.


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[Assistant] One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One, one, one, one, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear. One tear. One, one, one tear.


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[Assistant] Because this is an Amer- this is an American, this isn't like the Killarney drums.


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[Assistant] I started wiping my bugs under their lips and eventually they got a taste and started to recognize the sound of my slight nose blow to better position the bugs for picking ease. Now they know when I'm about to give them a treat and they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy looks so much better than him. You look so much better. So much better than him.


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[Assistant] I was in the service, I got oriental warts. I got some kind of racist venereal disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No yea, but like what type of thing can we use to transport all these people into like a camp type of scenario? Like a, like maybe a train or something?


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[Assistant] I've been, I've been so good lately. Really? Yeah, for months now, really. I mean, you know, there's a hit and miss stuff, but when it comes to Brown, I've really grown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something with a ton of sugar, like a really rich dessert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, pancakes with tons of maple syrup. Over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, some sugars and artificial sweeteners can have a laxative effect. Fructose is a component of table sugar and naturally occurs in fruits. The body can only digest a certain amount of fructose at one time. Consuming more fructose than the body, uh, may cause diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And I love the feeling. Yeah. Taking a good piss. Scratching your back.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was, he was. But that sneezing, uh, I think that might be my favorite.


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[Assistant] Because it's just such a release. And it's unexpected, it's like a little gift you get, you know?


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[Assistant] And then you feel like that brain haze where you're like, ooh, you know, it feels like you're high for a second. And I like the really powerful ones that you can see everything spray out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw one, I did one the other day where this snot shot across the room.


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[Assistant] Wow. Wow. Well, you're gonna like, I got you a nice opening clip. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you didn't see the coolest part. The coolest part is actually the clip before it. But I thought that was a better opener. So you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like it's missing some teeth. But are the rest just, does he just have buck teeth that's there? Like it feels like his whole mouth is outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it could be AZ trash. He's barefoot. I mean, that's a cool thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everybody sniffed a finger and then tried to put your finger in somebody else's face to smell it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the neighborhood guy. Imagine seeing him around the neighborhood. Oh man. You think he'd try to finger you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, see I think he knows not to approach, like, the people that have it together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made some decisions a while ago and things went this way.


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[Assistant] There's weird, like there's weird, where you're fucking just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This type of weird, and then there's kind of like, have it together weird. Like, tell me what's going on here, okay? Just tell me what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that part, that's, but I'm, it's all, without the pronunciation, I mean, the one thing is that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She tries to not break her smile through the entire thing. So that's why I think her diction's so strange. It's cause she goes, if you go to Fort Lauderdale, and she tries to keep smiling the whole time that she's saying the thing. So she doesn't ever actually break, she's like, if you want a thousand square foot in Fort Lauderdale, or, and then smile, and then if you go to, you know, she's going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause if you're trying to keep it together, and you're nervous, but you had a drink, then you, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple glass of wine. Yeah. Knock the nerves off. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've gotten into stuff. You mean you want to do them now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been wanting to play this clip, uhm, so bad that I keep forgetting and I finally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Al Harrington had played in the NBA for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was on this podcast, uhm, I guess it's called The Weed Bar. And, you know, he played in the era, he played in the early 2000s for sure, so he played against Michael Jordan. He was telling these guys, they're like, what's, what's, you know, everybody wants Michael Jordan's stories. So this is, it's one of the best things I've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's telling the story that, you know, when like Jordan retired, it was a big, right, from the Bulls, came back a few years later, and now he's definitely passed his prime, plays for the Wizards, but he's so good that even at 41, he's one, like you said, one of the top 20 players in the league, and he's saying that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jordan called everybody ho, come here ho, and all of a sudden, right? So then he tells more here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Yeaah, those are not cool at all. Those look like shit. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is a paper, so this has a little more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thickness and texture. And these are glossy. So these might be for, uh, tighter gaps and this is for a bigger gap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm right, I'm right. Look, this, see how this edge is still really, really, really supported? It goes right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, went right through it. I'm going to keep these for when I floss later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back and this is a real treat. We are welcoming back to the show, the grandfather, the bridge builder, the original pioneer, the founder of your mom's house. It's Red Band everybody. Hey mothers. How are you doing? Miss you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I almost forgot that I'm like, oh yeaah, I see you around town sometimes, or you know, I see you kill Tony, I was like, you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it was? When I first tested, I think it was like 300.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, okay. I don't know! What's your, what's your, uh, testing at now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Yeah, so. You gotta get her a fuckin' another place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never had it happen so much like I did on vacation in Argentina. I went with my mom when I was 21 or 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's what, you know, she's probably in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right. Like, no, yeah, she's in her 50s. She's maybe like, I don't know, 55. So she's like at least, you know, she's not old, like she, you know, but she's not, and there's like this 30 something year age gap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, oh, okay. It's almost like they didn't believe her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they didn't believe me? Like they, they, they treated us like we're ashamed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of our real relationship, so we're saying. Right. You know? And the truth is we, you know, I don't know, she has more olive skin and I'm so fair skinned, so people were like. Yea, right. Yea. That's hilarious. Yea. And they were uncomfortable, they'd be like, do you wanna, you and your uhm, I go, mom? They go, yea, your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see it? I'm like, oh my god. It is so gnarly when they start suggesting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe yeaah. I did get hit on by like some old, like really hit on aggressively by some older ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but older for me at the time was like a lady in her, you know, mid thirties or something. Not a 60 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beyond drunk is the drunkest of uh, uh, blackout. Complete blackout. To the point that I learned later


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I had made out with an older lady, a lady 25 years older than me, that I was working with, that I had zero recollection of, zero recollection of. And I had other people, like, looking at me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't you gonna say hi? And I said like, oh hi, nice to meet you. And they're like, nice to meet you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 21, you know. I was a kid and I was like, ah, I'm in this pussy haze, I don't know what to do. So, I, uh, god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uhm, I fucked an intern, a secretary, a producer, like all these different people. This one though, this particular lady, I just remembered that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you know, when you black out sometimes you have like fragments of memory, like you know, like some, you remember one thing and then you're like, I don't know what else happened. I remember being at this bar, people from work, and then I remember that I was at this lady's house on her living room floor, you know, naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember, I remember that I was kissing down her chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I got to her navel, she grabbed my face and she goes, you don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she knew, she knew like you're going to be sick if you do that. So I was like, all right. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably put it in, like I was not capable of completing this actual act. So I think I just slammed it in her a few times and she was like, you know, why don't you go to bed? Uh, I don't know. I woke up and I was completely like that panic thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have it, I think, when you fly internationally to like, uh, like an eighth different time zone where you wake up, you're like, the fuck, where am I? And then if you black out where you're like, where, and I had no idea where I was. So it's actually like this terrifying feeling when you, when you wake up and you go like, like what room am I? I was freaked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I, and I got nervous. I turned and I saw her. And I'd, I'd never seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit. And of course, I mean, I'm polite and I also am like, trying to stay calm, right? So I'm not gonna like, flip out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's like, good morning, you know, and I'm like, hi. I'm like, oh yeah. She goes, wow. You know, she's making comments about, I'm like, she goes, I'm going to take a shower. And I was like, okay. And so what I, she gives it, she goes in the bathroom. And I remember I got up and I go, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. So I'm like, where are my clothes? I don't know where my clothes are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I realize, oh, like I find like a sock on the stairs. And so the clothes are like all over the stairs in the room. I get dressed and I go into the kitchen and I'm like, where the fuck am I? And I see on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like about to leave and I was like, I don't know where I am and I don't have a car. I don't know anything. So I just, it's the longest I've ever, you know, waited. I'm just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dying for this ride to be over. And I'm just, yeah, oh no, that would be nice. Yeah. And then she finally pulls up to my spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, wow. And I go, yeah. And she leans over for a kiss and I give her my cheek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, I try to wash it off and, um, you know, I say this, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell the story on stage later, but I, uh, I remember that I was so mortified, you know, and I was just so mortified that I had done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, well, no one, no one will ever know this, you know, like I left there with her and it's literally the next day and my buddy calls me and he was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, yeah, he goes, how was your night? And I go, oh. And I try to downplay it. I go, not so bad, you know. And he goes, not so bad. He goes, uh, I know what you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. He's like, yeah. And I go, how do you know? And he goes, cause you fucked my aunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Type in Korean. Yeah. There you go. That's the first thing that came up. Yep. I don't know why she wants to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I think I'll, I think I'll stick to uhm, what is it called? What was the, what was the plastic surgery thing called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you could tell that like he's taking care of this and he could have just started working out more, right? Like he used to be a probably a little fitter. I know where you're going. I know the next picture. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Oh my god. I think I'll just age, I think it'll help, uhm, not fixing it, just because as a comedian, like all your flaws, you can be like, oh I got this ugly fucking face. Right. Yeah. I'm just stupid. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, no one wants to see you just stand up like, being all- Looking cute. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was here in Austin. We went to Cap City. It was him, Ari, me, and Joe. And we were living in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd never seen Ari's fucking juice sock, like his, his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen anything like it. So I got really scared, concerned, and I was like, I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I got, uh, this cool guy to show you. So this is his initial...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pesky American women. Their stupid standards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's exactly, it's literally exactly what he's talking about. Like their wallet open is what's happening in the Philippines. This guy can buy stuff and send it to me and my family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's a guy like this work? I like also the fact he has like, you know, probably a real middle of the road kind of menial. He's not in management. He's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what's interesting is that he, um, he puts this message out and he's so fired up and he doesn't acknowledge that the reason he probably is disappointed in American women is how, because a lot of American women are like, oh, you're kind of a fucking zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not particularly good looking. You're not particularly intelligent. You don't have that much going for you. You don't have your teeth. You're kind of arrogant. Like you're entitled. You think you just like you, he's probably like, how come this fucking 10 doesn't want me? Like, let's be realistic, man. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't insult the man like that. Let him make a decision on whether he's a degenerate. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta pull up your guys here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's for sure craziest? Is that guy doing the thing with the bulging eyes? He could make you cum so hard with his hands. Even if you're not attracted to him, his technique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's incredible that they knew how to mummify. How do you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's supposed to be like, no, no, no, I just, I like short hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is what happened. They just, they obviously had some type of chemistry before his eyes worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it really does. Cause most men, they see an attractive woman, and at least in some part of their life, they're like, aw man, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so hot, and like, I can't approach her, you know, she's probably too cool, or like, oh. And then you see something like, this is the inner dialogue of this fucking psycho. And it lets you know. You know what I mean? That like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can go to the gym and just work out, right? Like you still honor God. You can do it at the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, every dude needs, like, a seat. You should, you should just, we should do a bank of just hot girls. That are crazy. That are crazy. And just go like, see? Like, they're not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing is when you're 16 to like 28, you're just like, ah man, like, I can't talk to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I mean, there's some guys that don't have that, but I think a lot of dudes are like, wow, what will I say? Oh, she won't like me or, you know, she's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just telling him, he's like, ah, I don't believe, but then you see that she's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why you J's are the best. You never do this bullshit. Never. Ever. And if you did, you wouldn't make a video about it. You keep it to your fucking self the way you're supposed to, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'd be fun to like, take out on a date. And just, I would just talk about God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'd be like, oh my god, seriously, I'm again. And then, you know, you go on a few dates, you know, you don't make her a real priority, but you, you, you take her a few times and you learn a few like Christian rappers. Have you heard, and then she's like, oh my god. And then you just dump clips in her, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, once you're done you're like, I don't give a fuck about religion you stupid bitch. Hail Satan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, I get anxiety, I pray to myself, whatever. Like that's, this is like, I'm in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's praying before lunges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So obvious about it, yeaah. She's like filing them down electronically, right? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you just watched a full episode of Your Mom's House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look. I don't know. They place them in lights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm smoking weed, so I don't think about it. That's kinda, that's why it happens. Cause I'm thinking about it, so I'm obsessing about not doing it. That's why I don't do it. So the weed making me forget that shit is like, kind of, whatever, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yea, no, but I'm saying like, you know the way I sit on a, on a, on a rim, right? He sits Asian style. Yea. You stand on the rim. I mean, I sit, I crouch on it, I guess, yea. Even at home? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I only shit at home, so yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. I don't like that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, so, so I, so my feet go on the rim of the toilet, you know what I'm saying? And then I just, like, my ass, like, kinda just droops over the toilet and then I just kinda- So you stand on the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't need this. Sure, sure. Yeah, semantics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The greatest part is that no one taught me how to do that. I just, that's just how I thought it should have been done. I don't know. I don't think anyone really showed me to do that. I think there was a time, you know what I think it was, I think there was a time


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, well actually I was gonna ask Drew the next time he was in here what that actually does to someone, like if you're severely dehydrated. I mean it has a lot of effects. But what risks, so I've been, but, so like what? Cause I don't feel those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's the conflict is that I don't see them as issues. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. That's fair. They're just things that have always been that way, but they don't bother me. Okay, they don't bother you? Alright. Like now that I smoke weed, I don't think about it, so it happens. How much weed are you smoking? Yes, Christina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but hold on. But that doesn't actually, they don't do that shit no more, right? Like that's, that's an ancient shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, cause I think it's just pain, you know what I'm saying? Like it, it passes. You wanna face the pain? It passes, it's done, you know, whatever. What's going on? All you have to do is drink water. Yea, but, but it's like, it's different, you know, now I gotta do some different shit. I ain't trying to change my life up like that, just for pain, I ain't no pussy, you know what I'm saying? Whatever, bring it on, you know what I'm saying? Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not really. Sorry, I'm switching cameras. Uh, no, not really. Not like, maybe like, once. Yea, and then I, I piss in the morning, I piss at nights about it. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should probably make a new level for me. Damn. Yeah, what color is yours? Bring it up all the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, before the last one though, the last one's like brown as fuck, you know what I'm saying? This is like just, that's just dark yellow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yelling shit. Tell, tell that piss eh. What's up? What's up piss? Can't hurt me. What's up dehydration? I dare you to do some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found something out about him, by the way. What's that? If you notice, I scrolled down his page because I was curious. Every time I watch his videos, I'm like, bro, I want to fight this man and I'm not even there. How is he getting away with this? Like, what black dude is going to check him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scroll down his page, you will find not one black man. You will find plenty of white people, Asian people, Indian people, no black dudes. The only black dude I found was like months, months, months ago and it's his own video. He's like by himself. So like he must have given him a script to like say whatever he wanted to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying that I think when he gets a black customer, he probably says, hey, I'm gonna do this like video or whatever it's gonna be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're a bad, bad partner and I have to say all, all truth, truth, truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, just like I'm expected, men are expected to buy stuff, girls are expected to put out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like to be mandated by a holiday. Isn't that weird that it's a holiday that tells you you have to put out? You have to fuck today otherwise you're a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause everyone I talk to is like, there's so much pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That being said, we've mastered the art of not celebrating Valentine's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what's up with your John Deere flex? Oh, thanks for noticing. Dang, that's cool as shit, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you representin', bro? You know why I got it? What? For the people. Oh, you're a man of the people now. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. I wonder what the artifice of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or when they go on even like talk shows dressed poor and you're like, you know that you can, you're on like the Tonight Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so true because she's obviously super, but there's something like she's real down home. She lets people sleep in her backyard. I don't know how true that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised the table is free from any beer cans or litter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I won't, I won't get, I, I once went to a gentleman's apartment, um, before we were together and I went to use his restroom and there was just a sea of hair on the floor, just a layer of, of human body hair, of pubic hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I bet that is, that is what, that, it was a Potter sitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And imagine, like, when we were at our poorest, having that treasure trove there and being like, nope, hard pass. That must mean it really was killing his, his spirit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing. It's, it's always hard as an artist. Do we take the check or do you go for, you know, the hard way, which is your artistic license and good for him. He's an artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really exciting. I'm really happy for him. I'm really proud of Josh Potter. He's really done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it is pronounced Valentine, so don't write in and tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you walk out, are you worried that the others will know your secret? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I understand your, your anxiety's a little higher maybe, it's just, it's a different universe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when 9-11 happened, all I wanted to do was F.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing, like heightened, what do I do, am I gonna die, I should fuck, I should fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But with you, I mean, did you think your passengers, your co-passengers knew? Like did all your tour buddies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sense? No. They jerked off. Yeah, they just like, he took a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to know when you jerk off. Like I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to walk in on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had a really whacked out little brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had put a camera in her shower. Like this kid was just other level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we just continue discussing what we're discussing and then he fucking has jizz and he flicks it on our wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a weird one, cause I know that that was, that was way degenerate behavior. And they were like, a well to do family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if you guys kinda check in him, which is what men do, you check him, meaning like, hey asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and the other guys are gonna keep an eye on you so that you don't totally whack out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now with this whole no bullying and everybody's awesome and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to celebrate the weirdos instead of, you know, hey, I'm watching you weirdo, which is I think a little more helpful, right? Cause who knows how far he would have gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know because not everybody, how do I put this, not everybody is fixable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no fixing that. Who knows what wires were crossed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's a hundred percent one I am fucking saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true, but I mean, not, not just like a little weird, like, I brush my hair, I'm fucking not right in the head weird, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because this is something that only men can do to other men. Yeah, that's true. You guys regulate each other because men operate on a primal, animal level that women do not fucking comprehend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, there's a reason that men are the serial killers. Yes, there's the outliers that some, every now and one, every fucking thousands of killers, one is a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they're not going to respond to reason and to seminars and to sexual harassment, uh, sit downs. That's not going to happen with some creeps. They need a fucking offense. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I can't do that. Force. And, and, but that's the problem. And now with toxic masculinity and blah, blah, blah, men are being told that that's a toxic trait. Like, no, no, no. Nature in some regard is off and evil sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so glad we solved all the world's fucking problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, breaking news. Manscaped is now selling beard products. That's right. They've gone from waist to face to help you replace that bulky razor with their brand new Beard Hedger Pro Kit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped help you get the golden rod of a Greek god. And now they've created the best tools for you to turn heads with a clean, perfectly groomed and conditioned beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally tame your mane by going to Manscaped.com and using our code MOM for 20% off plus free shipping. Uh, my husband is super into the Beard Hedger Pro Kit and it shows he looks clean and high and tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kit is about to change your life. The Beard Hedger Pro Kit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has made it easier than ever to craft your signature look. It all starts with a beard hedger. This waterproof cordless trimmer has a rotary wheel that gives you 20 hair cutting lengths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All with one guard, so no more messy drawers full of extra add-ons. The kit also includes a titanium coated tea blade, beard shampoo and conditioner, beard oil, beard balm, and three free gifts. So get 20% off and free shipping with our code mom at manscaped.com. That's 20% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With free shipping at manscaped.com and use our code MOM, the Manscaped Beard Hedger Pro Kit, the premier solution to face groom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta be respectful of the lady because here's the deal, man. She spent a long time getting ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She don't want fuckin' barbecue sauce on her dress. She's the one eating with her hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta take her somewhere that's like, you have to think about the type of food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wish I, you wish I was 400 pounds instead of you be- No, you wish you would be 400 pounds so you didn't have to look at me. To look at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about it now. I've been thinking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, you know how like the universe conspires to get you over things or to make you grow? I swear that our youngest son, because he is such a puker. It's helping you. The needle has moved for me in the puke phobia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should make one. A better one. Jeans day. You wear your jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When is a special day in YMH history? Maybe it's the day that we talk to RPC. I feel like that's a huge day. That is a huge day. That's the jeans day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's so funny. This is... Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think you wanted me to bear witness, and I didn't realize it at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're mad at me because I left at a moment that you wanted me to be there and I did not notice. Can I tell you something? Can tell you why I left during the charo? I did have to urinate. I saw it as a perfect opportunity because I don't like confrontation between you and your mom. I hate watching it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate watching her spin out and do all that stuff because it reminds me of my own life and I didn't want to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, fine. But then you're still, you've never been mad at me in the past for peeing during a show. Why now? Why this peeing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm genuinely curious as to who has a worser, a white worser tramp stamp than me. Cause mine's pretty fucking terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's just embarrassing. I don't like my kids to see it and they've asked me about it. And I'm like, mommy made a bad decision in 1999. And I just tell them that in 98.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mommy made a stupid choice. It's a bad choice. You make dumb choices and you live with bad decisions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I actively want to do something about it. I don't know if I want to make it bigger. I think I want it gone. I think I want it gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's sad is that when I had it done, when I was like 20 years old, in my head I was like, I'll just have it removed later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was cool enough, but I wasn't like, this I want on my body for the, like, this is right. I did it because everyone else was doing it that day. There were six of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this will be a funny story, like, I was in Australia, this guy has a scorpion tattooed on his face that did it for me, and I was in Brisbane, and I was like, whatever dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think like any type of cross or Celtic cross as a trans temp is very bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's huge. That is fucking enormous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here's my question though, a tramp stamp, does it have a size, is there a size thing? Because that, is that considered a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so funny. I mean, my, so my tramp stamp is literally about this, right? A little bit bigger than a half dollar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the dude, I didn't even really know dudes that did tramp stamps. I'm, I'm marveling right now at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like, no, not even that. I was thinking like my kid's names, but even that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that is like a thing, dueling swords is a dick thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say, so this is the genre I was really looking for, which is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just that over the years you change what your markers and your symbols become and now it's deeply embarrassing. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was born in year of the dragon, 76, I'm a dragon. It's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm 46. I'm like, that's fucking dumb. I don't care. I don't- even worse is like, I'm a Gemini. Like, oh god, how many Gemini tattoos are out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Google, it was a movie she did called barbed wire and she had the tattoo and I was like, that's dope. Like she looks dope and she was dating Tommy Lee. Yeah. And she was like, I mean, look how cool she was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, the douchebag uniform back in that era, it was the barbed wire tattoo, the puka shell necklace. Remember when everyone was wearing like the shell necklace? So gay. And then tevas, you had to wear tevas to completely polish off the douchebag look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mowing lawns, praying to God, praying to Jesus. Uh, anyway, keep, please keep sending in your tram stamps. I cannot, I couldn't love this more. And I'm thinking that we should give the winner, if they want it, I guess, a removal, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, you know what I really enjoy actually are my scars. I love scars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think those are cool because those really do tell a story of your life. Like, that's why I fell down, this is surgery, this is whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting too drunk at Lollapalooza, and like, those are fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this, this dumb shit I did to myself, bro, like, that's why I feel so fucking stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, what would you, what would you have done if we started dating and you're so, you're super into me. I take my clothes off and it's just Cali. Cali vibes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My tramp stamp to cover, maybe if I could, that would, I love his, the LA fingers so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Esteban, I love your LA fingers, bro. Yeah. I tried to buy a prince, but they sold out so fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so good. And I even, I like the drawing of it. And I get, I get the hats and the thing. He took a photograph of these, this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he put it on, you know, t-shirts and it was a famous photo. He's a famous photographer. Um, we have a, I just bought a print of his of LA. It's in our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's to me just such a part of that city. Anyway, uhm, I have an eye mask update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Yeah, do work. That's right. You sleep in. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I purchased a pair on Amazon that I thought were pretty highfalutin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I spent $15 and they're like cups that go over your eyes so that they don't mush your eyes in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I like the darkness that they provided. However, around two in the morning, I woke up and my fucking eyelids were sweating, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, bro, if it's cooling ice gel, homie, then once that cooling gel stops being cool, is the plastic gonna sweat? Is it, is the plastic, cause it's in plastic, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like you're being captured by the Taliban. I know, I know. So, uh, I'm gonna look into this further. It is a part of my new fancy lifestyle. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do feel a little like a douchebag buying one. I do feel like it's like one of those really unnecessary things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what I did get that has changed my life, homie? You know what the fuck I'm gonna talk about. What did I show you last night that I was really stoked about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just okay, it's a clock that fuckin' lights up different colors, homie. It has different meditations and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. It's because in all the movies, it's always some bougie white blonde. I understand. It's like Kate Hudson, who's like, I got an eye mask on. Like to her voice, I got an eye mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and it has like princess on the thing. So I'm always like, ew, is that who wears? I'm not in that. I don't want to be that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm thinking about bringing back this tramp stamp, tramp stamp, tramp stamp. I'm thinking about bringing it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying I have permission to buy a nice sleep mask, Tom? Yeah. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are ya? That's all I have. Listen, in terms of what I have to offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting, because with peoners, I, I, uh, there was one that I was like, I don't, I'm not, I'm just not into the shape and the size at all. Yeah, well, that makes sense. And I was like, but I'm not, then maybe I'm not a dick lover. Maybe I'm not a lover of all dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it's really cool that you know what made his dick hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what you gotta do now, you gotta let your parents know, cause you gotta be out and proud. But, uh, uh, I do recall...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I recall, uh, your mother one time asked me to take her bra shopping when she came to visit and I had her properly fitted for a bra. Your dad was so upset with me. Remember? He was, he's never been, he was never mad at me that one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was mad at me because I messed with his tit show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, I like it that your mother walks around with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So where do I begin? I've talked about this somewhere my mom's at. Uhm, what was really neat about my upbringing is that there was always a Playboy magazine in the bathroom from the time I was like seven. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there was a Rubik's Cube in my dad's bar area that each side was a different naked woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quickly traumatized by the naked, uh, chicks. Um, he, I think he liked tits. I'm going to say he's a tit guy. Uh, oh, wait a minute. Cause my mom had big ones. My stepmom didn't. And my new mom, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so my dad would go to Club Med, which in its origins was a French swingers club. That's how Club Med started. It was literally 50 people on a beach, like the movie The Beach. You go to like a private area. It's limited to like 50 or 75 people and you fuck all week long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Club Med later became a family brand. Now it is a family brand. But early in its inception was that. It's the French. It's the French. It's a French club. And so by the time I was like 11, 10 around there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you sleep with, like, just roughly? He's like, uh, maybe two or three a day. And I was like, wooooooow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I know how much, I mean I know what makes my dad's dick hard, but I know that my dad's dick was hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically it's what doesn't make my dad's dick hard would be the surprising factor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we were shocked by that girl's video that we watched where she gives us like the year in recap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean she has like the three different screen? There was a PowerPoint presentation. Yea, three different, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I think sex is, uh, I mean, can be used like anything else. Like any drug, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna pull back on this excessive, cause one a week is, I think, a new body a week is, is excessive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I've been friends with that was really, really, really super hypersexual promiscuous back in college and then after college and then what happens is they wake up somewhere in their mid to late thirties and they're like, why can't I find a husband? And it's like, well, you kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kind of shut the door on so many options by like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Living one way, you know, instead of looking for a husband, you were just looking for fun. And the guys that wanted to get married, the first draft picks, they've all been picked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Second, second draft, second rounders, they're gone too. So by the time you're in your late thirties and forties as a woman and you want to have a baby in the normal life,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the process of trying to fix it. What's going on right here on my face is called a forehead flap. These things in my nose are called nasal trumpets. They go all the way up here. I'm not gonna pull them out again. That upset some people in my last video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is an entire flap of skin. No, it's not flat on my face. Take a look. Ah, you can see my eye. It's a trick. It's a party trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uh, this day's wrapped in medicated gauze. Uh, no, I'll probably never feel the inside of my nose again. What happened was they had to make a blood supply into the tip of my nose from parts from my left arm. So they cut open my left arm. They took out a vein and artery, muscle, skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' all of it, right? Uh, a nerve. Took it all out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi everyone, happy Sunday. This is my new favorite shirt, Oasis. Came in the mail two weeks ago. I want to see Liam and Noel bear the hatchet and reunite the band. Have a good day and a great week everyone. Bye for now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what a trip down memory lane with that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your mouth down there and put a smile on my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The silver material is an amalgamation of silver, copper, tin, zinc and mercury and this will harden on its own in a few minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before it hardens, they are just packing it and using different instruments to carve out some anatomy so that it looks like a tooth from the outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a real damn life. Damn y'all, so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm off to see a doctor because I've had hiccups for over 48 hours. They're really painful too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I have like voiceover stuff to record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Demarco. We're like, oh no! Demarco paralyzed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're better than you guys. Yeah. I read my routes. You know I've been thinking about it by the way? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for two hundred dollars off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so when you're, yeah, okay, but where do the chicks go craziest? When you're, you're not married, you can talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. What can you do? You can't control much. Just like stand up comedy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, uhm, I'm always surprised by your athleticism. Like you guys have to, cause I didn't know. Did you say good looks or athleticism? I said good looks earlier. But I mean it's so wild that you have to be in really good physical shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did not know this, cause you just assume, oh, this guy's driving like a truck driver, maybe they can weigh 500 pounds. And like, you really can't, like Tommy and I went to a garage and he showed, you showed me that old Formula One car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever feared for your life on the track? Like was there a day where you're like, this is it, I'm fucking dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right about now, seasonal excitement or dread is really starting to settle in, especially for small businesses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com is your one stop shop for all your shipping and mailing needs. For more than 20 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. Get access to the USPS or UPS services you need to run your business right from your computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No lines, no traffic, no hassle. What could be better? Is there anything worse than going to the post office? What a waste of time. With sams.com you don't have to do that. We've been using it for years just to avoid the post office and it's been so fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use stamps.com to print postage wherever you do business. All you need is a computer and a printer. And if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it through your stamps.com dashboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rates are constantly changing. With Stamps.com's switch and save feature, you can easily compare carriers and rates so you know you're getting the best deal every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This holiday season, trade late nights for silent nights and get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up at Stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com slash mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's probably why you have to be in a, in good shape, right? You have to have the, your core probably very strong. Now, how do you handle, cause Tom and I travel for work and it's brutal just to stand and tell jokes. No, we're not doing that. We're not tricking, I promise. It's brutal just to travel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sleep in a hotel, eat that food, and then just stand up and tell jokes. So you're traveling and then having to perform at like peak physical...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you mitigate the damage of travel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the Germans, they're no fun. The Italians, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. They're very white. Thank you. It's the secret of my lipstick. It's because I, the color. I sell this Christina P perfect red. Hell yea. Makes your teeth look white. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. I'm just using the example I've done because I've, one time in Atlanta airport, I made the mistake of eating two tacos and then getting on a flight to Africa. Bad idea. Bad idea. What do you do when you got to go number two and you're driving formula one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So part two of my question, the morning of the race or the day of, what's your routine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I would think he'd clean out his body before the weigh-in, before the, you know, that's why I'm asking about the routine. Like I take a shit before performance. You don't want to shit at the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, I'm gonna say, hold on, I'm gonna tell you telepathically. Hold on, I'm gonna tell you telepathically. Did you get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over there, you can call people cunts. Like, ay, you fucking cunt. And you can also call your mate a cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was telling him this, like, hey, you fucking cunts, and there's my cunt that- Anyway, so we meet a bunch of, uhm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Strangers at the pub, and we're just having a pint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're like LOLing, telling jokes, and he's like- Good cunts. Yeah, and then he's like, Hey, you fucking cunts, like he doesn't know them well enough. And he's like, Hey, look, it's a bunch of cunts. And I'm like, No, you can't just say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is. Stop it, that's just been on forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Cougar. I'm an oooolder cunt. Oh yeah, well done. Thanks buddy. Good for you. She's old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so talented and whimsical and you really, I think, bring out the best in people. You see the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Kevin, if you were to draw my husband, I assume you would start with these big old meanies here, right? Cause like, yeaah, like those mean, nasty things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's fantastic. That's rad. Yes. You nailed it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this art form? It's so funny, like what is the origin of this? Of taking someone's worst features and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So cool. And so universal and, and, uh, yeah, that's true. Did you meet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How generous. Oh yeaah. That sounds like the key to it is being a generous person and giving your time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you have to go through? It's the worst. Can I tell you as a broad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both, we both do the stand up and then children come into the picture. And this broad, I think it's hard. It's harder for the broads once they drop children to be like, I'm going to go full speed ahead on career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when I, my facialist just told me, she said that you have one good facelift in you. So you have to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lift, one good facelift in everyone. So you have to choose your timing wisely. You don't want to get it too early. You don't want to do it in your forties cause then you can't do it again and again. Just choose one good facelift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's scary, you have to be a rockstar especially, cause now as we're watching Madonna Age and how do you navigate that, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's scary, it's gotta be scary to be like a Cher, a Madonna. How do you age?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dear. You know, uhm, the first time I got Botox, uhm, or is it filler? I think filler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was filler. The first time I got filler, I was so afraid. And I asked the doctor right before she did, I go, what's the side effects? Like I have two little children. She goes, well, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's like, it's a one in, you know, one thousand thing. And I'm like, oh gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I think about that all the time. I'm just amazed at people that you get your, your, your postage delivered. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I'm just surprised that like you get mail. How does that work? The scale of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How? Oh, how does tuna fish stay fresh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the pouch. I've been thinking about this for a week because I wanted to eat tuna fish and then I thought how disgusting that they can keep fish contained in the, in a pouch. What kind of stuff is in there keeping that alive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I saw on a video is that those mold spores spread throughout the item that you're eating. So just because you think you've picked off the mold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what your nose hairs are for. That's why they tell you not to breathe through your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what excites you too? Death? Like does it take a lot to excite you because I think that's what he's trying to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we get snakes under our sun deck in the summertime, especially at night. They like to cool off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they'll come, little snakes will just come right in the shade. You gotta wear shoes and scorpions and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is pretty. She fits, she's the type of girl that should have armpit hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about, okay, Tom, about our hangers, what do you think about those hangers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on now, you're not allowed to say that because it's cool to be fat. No, I'm saying healthier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, actually I think it was you that kind of inspired me. Cause your painting is in the room that I paint in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people, you know, when you pick something up, you're like, I have to be good at this. And I'm like, you know what? I don't have to be good at this. No one's going to see this. I don't give a shit. I just want to do something different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's you Tommy, that red headshot when you were young, a young Tommy Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, I met, um, Gallagher when I was nine at a seafood restaurant in the San Fernando Valley and he signed an autograph for me and I was like, I was so just starstruck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's such a classy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch that one right here. Or maybe here. Maybe here. Maybe here. Ha ha ha ha. Maybe you should subscribe. That way every time a new video gets posted you'll be notified. Stay in the know jeans. Subscribe now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna start to kick my feet and raise them up behind me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1.8, what, million like followers, you know what I'm saying? And you like still need the attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also common to find that there is writing on the fore edges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To identify what the book is instead of using a spine label. And of course having a handy dandy chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To lift the buck with also is an advantage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the counselor told her that I was obstinate and that counseling was futile and it wasn't going to go anywhere. Man, that counselor was right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever seen Ari's balls? No. Long. They're the craziest balls I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, go ahead. She's speaking, you can understand her. Do you want to read what she's saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You weren't right for your own show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what it looks like when we're drilling a tooth with a pretty large cavity. Yo, watch this. I'm into dental talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now they're just going around from outside in and cleaning things up with a round burr and a slow speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see if this one needs a root canal. It looks like it's really close to the nerve right now. Okay, so the nerve space is exposed and so this tooth is going to need a root canal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, uhm, based off the x-ray. And it's gonna need a crown as well. Hell yea. These I enjoy. These are TikToks I like. Right? Yea yea. She's a babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I highly recommend going to a professional to get this stuff removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's still gonna be burgers and dogs. There's still gonna be a hurricane party, even if it only ends up being a tropical storm. I'm prepared and ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So three years ago, I met this guy. I thought I was in love. I moved away with him after I just got clean off of heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went and got my face tattooed, got clean, uh, he went to jail, I went to jail, uh, we stopped seeing each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fast forward to like a year after I got clean, I, uh, asked my parole officer, I said, Hey, what do you think about me getting my, uh, tattoos removed? And she was like, I don't even see them, but do whatever you want. So here I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, the tribe has spoken. Pretty cool, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what that smells like in my fucking room? What? This is insane. That-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am going to spend the next minute screaming because that is what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you head on over to sattvasaattva.com slash the shit and you can get $200 off any mattress of your choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From your mom's house podcast. Uh, thanks for joining us. Uhm, don't forget to go see The Fat Machine. It's in theaters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fat Russian Machine is in theaters right now, uhm, support that film, uhm, so much going on, so much we're so excited about today's episode, uhm, the first thing I wanted to do was, uh, ask you, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear about the newest update to the Annie Ryan basketball stakes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the game is very- is coming up very soon. Uh, we're gonna release a standalone video on the channel to recap everything. That'll be coming up, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Uhm, but here are the stakes. Eny, who you guys know, and Ryan, who also, you, uh, some of you have just, uh, got to know, uh, who also works here at YMH, uhm, they're playing one-on-one. This is the battle of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To enormous egos, and they, uhm, they're gonna play 1 on 1 to 11 by 1s and 2s IF...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Edgenold Marginal Any Cravats Wins. Uhm, he is going to get hair transplants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he loses, he's gonna get an MRI of his guts and do a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, what do they call the, the, the colonics. We all get to see it. We get to watch it. That's cool. And we'll have a party, it'll be a good time. Uhm, now, if, if any wins, Ryan loses, not only does any get those hair transplants, Ryan


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has said that he will take any to Las Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get him what he wants, get him what he needs. Set up, you know, dinners and give him some gambling money. Like basically be his full-time assistant while he's there. So, and he's, and he's boss will become his assistant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although, I don't know if you heard this, I was just in the hall here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moments before the show and Ryan turned and he go, how's your training going? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea, we're about even. And this is coming from you, you, cause the big thing for me on this was just like, you're like, I didn't, I don't play basketball and I haven't played basketball. Yeah. Forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make a ticket. Okay, okay. I thought Ryan's in the studio. You're cool with make a ticket. Alright. Let Ryan sit there for a moment if you would. This is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to be clear, you don't object to any of this, right? I'm not trying to speak for you. Do you object to any of this? No, of course not. I mean, maybe of any's wild confidence, but do you, do you, one, one on one, one's in two, make it take it is legit. Make it take it, of course. And uhm, how do you feel about your, he's training, he's getting, he's getting some pointers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have the ref? Do we have the same ref? Yea, same guy. Yea, I mean he doesn't call a lot, he let us play, but he does call stuff. He did call a few things. That's why I'm a little worried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, okay. I guess the answer to that is like, technically, but like people just don't play like that. Like they're trying to just win the game and play and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you should, you should just try to play tough defense. And, uh, I would say don't, I mean I wouldn't say try to foul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah. You foul, you foul, but yeah. You're trying to play, you're trying to play a clean game, man. Both of you are trying to play a clean game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, so I didn't know this. Everybody finished up lunch and we were walking back here and I see him crouched down by that and I was, what the fuck are you doing? He was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been living like a fucking cockroach. Yeah. Pretty much, yeah. Don't you feel better in a way too though? I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the thing, you think you wanna eat those things, but when you realize that you're putting this good stuff into your shell, and you realize you feel this way and everything, don't you actually go like, oh doesn't your brain tell you like, you know what, this is actually the better way to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, that always goes for like, it's like the things that men say they're good at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, driving, and being funny. Those are the four dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like things that guys think they can do or brag they can do, except for the guys that do those things well. The guys that do those things actually well don't ever tell you. They have like a women go, women say like, Oh, that guy can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Ridge. Gifting for dads can be hard, but Ridge is making it easy with one of their biggest sales of the year for Father's Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ridge Wallet expands to hold up to 12 cards plus room for cash while remaining as slim as possible. These wallets come in 30 plus colors and styles including carbon fiber,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burnt titanium, forged ember, and burnt damascus. And they are designed with RFID blocking materials that protect you from digital pickpocketers. You can also add an AirTag attachment so you never have to lose your wallet again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ridge Team is so confident you'll like it that they'll let you test drive it for 99 days. And you can send it back for a full refund if you don't love it. The durable material


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Link ridge.com slash mom. Right now you can save up to 40% through June 15th. That's ridge.com slash mom. Summer is just around the corner and it might just be the best one yet thanks to Summer of Dashpass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a DashPass membership, you can save big. Now, through July 19th on swimsuits, beach snacks, sunscreen, and more. With summer of DashPass,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll enjoy zero dollar delivery fees and reduced service fees on all eligible orders, making it easier and more affordable than ever to stock up on your favorite summertime essentials. Experience a summer like no other. Best your best summer with a DashPass membership from DoorDash today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For DashPass now and you'll get your first month free. Plus, when you use our promo code, you get 50% off up to a $10 value when you spend $15 or more on your next DashPass order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You download the DoorDash app and enter the code MOMSUMMER. That's 50% off when you spend $10 or more on your next DashPass order.


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[Assistant] And when you download the DoorDash app and enter the code MomSummer, don't forget the code is MomSummer.


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[Assistant] As we mentioned, the fat machine has a movie out and he's been doing a ton of press. And man, it's so great that this thing, I feel like we started it here.


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[Assistant] At your mom's house, which was purposely mispronouncing his name. No one has to try, they literally can't do it.


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[Assistant] Bert Kirscher. He's not that crazy.


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[Assistant] Also great genetics, up early, doing this thing and stuff like that, yeaah.


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[Assistant] We're going to go to whatever F1 later. I don't know. So, um, oh, if you missed it, uh, on the socials, uh, my new special, um, my new special sledgehammer is going to be, uh, uh, what's it called? Do I have this thing here for you? Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] Chips in a bowl, my new special sledgehammer will be premiering on Netflix on the 4th of July.


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[Assistant] Such Hammer is a good title. Uhm, I just licensed some music. I got a cool opening for it. I'm very excited for it. Very excited.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you noted, and I'm, I'm, I'd like to acknowledge you for acknowledging me for my service, my military service. Uhm, I, uh.


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[Assistant] You know, I didn't tell you this, but I've been, I've been deep, deep in some of the VR missions I've been on and I didn't tell you this, but I'm going to tell you now because I know, I know how committed I am and what I'm doing, not just for myself, but for my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I landed in New York, in the shithole that is known as JFK Airport.


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[Assistant] Transfer, go through security, to book the flight, to get on the flight to Austin.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm just like, god damn it, you know, I'm just waiting and waiting. And so, I'm kinda distracted. I'm kinda distracted.


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[Assistant] And they fi- like, you know, people just standing around this guy, they finally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pre-board the flight, and when I see the strollers and the cripples, they book, they get on, then I kind of hear the guy, he's like, uh, and I walk up to the gate, and I hand out my boarding pass, and the guy goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you active US military? And I took a second, you know.


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[Assistant] He goes, welcome aboard. I thought about it. I've, I've, I've earned it. I've been fucking at this point, I've been on like fucking 16 missions. I think I don't know how many kills I got. I don't know how many people are probably alive because of what I've done, but I really feel like I, uh, I got that one further.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you did something that I appreciated, is you got, uh, military welcome home balloons, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing, you know, the guy, he asked me, he's like, do you have military ID? And I gave him like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look back and then he was like, sorry, sorry, sorry. Like I think he felt embarrassed, you know, I wish he should. Um, but yeah, I got to get one of those. I don't know how I'm going to get one.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, you guys figure it out, come on. So uhm. Where's daddy?


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[Assistant] That's true. You know, and he makes a really good point. And that is that every shit Christina is different.


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[Assistant] We got some emails, uh, regarding. Yes. Uhm, so. Somebody who knows the guy. Yeah, this is an email we got. Hey, my name is Chastity. Wait, Chastity? Sorry, Chastity. And I watch your podcast every week.


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[Assistant] I just wanted to let you know that I am a waitress and I personally knew Bob the blind guy. I would wait on him all the time and he was a regular at my old job. I would love to talk to you guys about him because he was a super shitty person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let me know if you're interested. Tia Chastity, I love you mommy. How about that?


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[Assistant] And she's like, this guy's in it. And you know who I do really, like, listen to on stuff like this? A server. Waitstaff. Waitstaff at a restaurant. And not if it was a one-off. When somebody goes, I served this person one time.


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[Assistant] Now, here's the thing I would like to just play devil's advocate, if you wouldn't mind, to some of the listeners who maybe fall into the category of having erectile dysfunction and happen to be homosexual. What do we tell them?


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[Assistant] You know, the men out there who are like, I'm kind of embarrassed by this thing and I don't know if I should consult. You're just gay, dude.


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[Assistant] And I want to say he mentioned it too, that the number one cause of erectile dysfunction amongst men is actually the lack of usage. Meaning.


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[Assistant] So as men age, they start to have less, like you know, a guy in his 60s is having less sex than his 20s. Low T. And if you, low T, but the less you use it, the less it is becoming erect for sexual purposes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The harder it will become to get an erection. So eventually men who's basically are like voluntarily even sell a bit, like just not interested, they will be incapable of getting an erection.


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[Assistant] It's 100% that, yes. But that's usually for an older person.


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[Assistant] You know, because like you said, the testosterone goes down, sexual activity tends to go down. Makes sense. Yeah, especially in that age group. The men in their 70s, like some men in their 70s are still having sex multiple times a week, right? Cause they're not gay. Cause they're not gay. And they don't have eating. That's right.


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[Assistant] But the ones who are having no sex, because they're gay, they end up not being able to have erections.


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[Assistant] To the people listening and watching who may have been perplexed by their erectile dysfunction.


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[Assistant] Guys like to fuck as you point out. And the nice thing too is that I think men are always kind of scared.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright, let's take a quick break, and we'll be right back.


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[Assistant] Just increased again. Luckily stamps.com has the best discounts in the industry. They have amazing partnerships with USPS and UPS for unbeatable rates up to 84% off.


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[Assistant] Plus Stamps.com automatically tells you your cheapest and fastest shipping options. With Stamps.com all you need is a computer and printer. They even send you a free scale. So you'll have everything you need to get started.


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[Assistant] If you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it through your stamps.com dashboard.


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[Assistant] Back, and so is our guest, he's coming back to us, and you can right now go to Stavi.Biz for tickets to his fall days.


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[Assistant] Couple, like it feels like a week of, of like just, you know, and not being as disciplined and you're like, oh shit, everything's tighter.


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[Assistant] I don't want to go back. You know what the difference is now? So the difference is now, when you are a certain weight, everybody has a different number that they'll be like, alright, I gotta rein it in. So now the number


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is just lower before I go. Right. I gotta change. So like I was the tour in Europe.


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[Assistant] You know, we worked out almost every day. Yeah. So I would say, like, I probably didn't do something of the 40 days I was gone on five of those days. Yeah. And they were usually like crazy travel. We did some almost every day. Yeah. But we were also eating, you know, like crazier meals. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I immediately, like when, towards the end of it, I was like, uh, we gotta fuckin' rein it in. And so, I brought, I brought my chicken breast, I go workin' out every day, stuffin' home, like, just because I go, I don't want it to be 30 pounds from now where I go, I gotta, I gotta do it again.


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[Assistant] I'm so glad that you came here and put an end to this ED cap nonsense.


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[Assistant] No, but there's had, I mean, there's been days when you're like, this doesn't feel like a hundred percent. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. I mean, there's also like, you remember too, because every guy, you remember like high school college boners are just fucking crazy. Out of control.


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[Assistant] Have you, uh, and he's continued to post his tit pics, but he doesn't post recipes anymore. No more recipes, yeaah.


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[Assistant] It was like glee. Yea. And I didn't know your asshole, it was like- And like, you realize too that he made this probably because a mistress was like- 100%. So he was like, that's why he's like, hmm, this is for you, mistress.


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[Assistant] I don't think we did. They told me we didn't. Okay. Maybe I've just... So what it is is a guy...


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[Assistant] Sent this video to a girl, the day after he just met her in the parking lot of a gym.


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[Assistant] Sweet girl, the best is how he swindled, so what he did was...


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[Assistant] The whole thing is kinda- Just from what I can guess, right? Yeah, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's exactly how it happened. He's in the gym, sees her sign in, gets her name.