[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's dumb because I did it dumb. So that's why I know. So like I know, I'm not gonna give away anything, but I know what's coming up for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One city Thursday, another city Friday, another city Saturday, another city Sunday, and I'm like, you have Monday, Tuesday off, another city Thursday, another city Friday, another city Saturday, another city Sunday, two days off, another city, like dude, I'm telling you, it's so much different than doing Columbus this week, uh, Hartford next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did this, uh, uh, gig in Madison once. Yeah. Where it was at the club, but they're like, it's just going to be girls and their dads, like a sorority group bought out the club. And I did this speech. I was like, no one is ever going to, I was doing like a, no one's ever going to love you the way your father's love you. And all the dads were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notting. And I was like, it's a love that you'll never understand. So you, uh, you'll probably wonder how you could ever reciprocate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The love that your dads give you, cause it's unlike anything else. And I go, and the only, really the only thing that would even come close would be if you were to take your roommates panties and put them in a bag and give them to your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your fucking roommate's panties, maybe socks, whatever they have that smells, and send it to your dad. And I just stayed on it, and there was like dads laughing, like really laughing, and then just absolute head shakes. But the staff was like, that's the best moment we've had this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that interesting? And it'll probably, the age will keep going up that you can respond to as your daughter's age. You know what I mean? Oh, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so, uh, Secret Time, it comes out this Friday, August 24th, on Netflix Worldwide. Exciting! Here's a clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're free. Okay. You're free and clear. And then you go to do a gig in Tampa and you meet this girl at a bar. She's brunette. She's super cute. Yeah. Got a little attitude, which I know you like. Yep. And she's, uh, she's like, you're like, uh, hi. And she like pantomime, like puts her hands around your neck. She's like, ah, and you're like, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is kinda your dream girl. We'll talk about that next. Yeah, so she's giving you shit, she's kinda checking you a little bit, and you're like, ah, I just got divorced yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, tap, tap, tap, tap, and she's fuckin' around with you. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're just, right as your eyes roll back, you're about to finish, and she goes, and you're like, here it goes, and as you come, she goes, I killed my fucking daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she would hook up with like, Gardener. The Gardener? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You took to that, you jumped all the way there. You suggested it. You used the language they would run a train on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See if you like this. Ready? Hold on, let me get this set up here. This is uh... She likes blue. This looks like it's blue's clues. Okay, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I also did, let's see, I had to pick a musical, there were so many good ones, I picked, uhm, sorry, I had to pick a musical bed for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is fucking awesome. If you're just listening, we'll post it everywhere. We'll put it on Instagram, we'll put it on YouTube, uh, I'll give it to you to post if you want. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like when you posted, you're like, this is so us. Cause it's his next to mine. So it's like me in like jacket black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, does, uh, has your dad, well he hasn't seen the screen. No, he won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny? I was going to tell you this. I love when you remember a story in real life with one of your friends or somebody told, and then you see it in a bit. I remember a Banana Republic story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it wasn't even, it was just like a story. He was like, oh yeaah, you know, my dad blah blah blah. I told the story in the car, and then you fast forward and you're like, oh that's on, that's in a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, okay, so you did, so far in the last year you did a marathon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that people understand what you're talking about. There are full, there are half, there are like sprint ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this, but just so people understand, you swam 400 meters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me real quick, were you the biggest guy there by far?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you trained for this. Yeah, I trained hard. I thought you didn't. I was like, he's going to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, because you did swim bike, you did swim bike, but then you, what, you were kind of recuperate after on the second mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get the relief of shooting and the next week something in your brain goes, don't worry about it. And then you say it and you're like, mother fucker. And the joke is perfect now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tape it? Yeah. I would, I would assume if I'm on the same, uh, like pattern that I've been on probably next fall. Yeah. Like a year from, a year from now, basically. Yeah. Don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a story, there's two things that I dropped the day after I taped. Cause I was so sick of saying them. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I was like... Man. So yeah, it does get to a point sometimes where you're like, I gotta drop this. And there was stuff that I, that I, I was touring with, that I shot, that I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that right? Because I think that's kind of what happened to me in like this most recent one. I cut something where I was like, I could leave it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, you know, I showed it to a couple people and they were like, it's not the strongest. So I cut it and now I feel like one of them is the best bit in my current hour, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, do you want to come down to Atlanta?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple of dudes with beards. He also has pretty deep pockets from what I hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, like I know that on that, remember he did that run at Radio City last year? Yeah. Dude, he was like, uhm, paying people extraordinary money. Really? And like they would be like, you're not even like making money on this gig now. He's like, I don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Are you? Yeah. We're all touring, uh, pretty, pretty big in 2019, the three of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like some of, some of the stuff is going to be like different mark, same market, like two months apart. That's probably the closest I guess, I think. That's not bad. That's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, now, uh, you do say the n-word a lot in your new special. Hey, let's check out this clip right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I wanna make sure. Wait, can you hear again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's gonna happen? It's gonna end up being like, it's gonna end up being like a, almost like an interstitial set, like, it's gonna set up something else for you. That's what it feels like. It's one of those bits where you think it's the end bit, but it's actually getting you somewhere, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you'll figure out another story and you're like, Oh, if I tell this story right before that story, it's going to make the end story better. It's going to be like an example of something. I don't know, but I know what you mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just setting up. He's just setting you up. Hold on. Now we're gonna see what he says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy look. You did it again, man. You brought that heat. Wow. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much barbecue. Oh, so good. Wait a minute. Uh, what's his name? Didn't he have the burger place? Isn't that the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obese. Is obese? And then he goes, and then you see his like, his throw away is like perfect. He's like, ah, he's a huge fat guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we always talk about like, uh, backhanded compliments you get from people. Like they're like, not bad or like funny stuff. It's kind of funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's like, but like, for instance, Columbus is like, there's two shows a night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said like the second show was starting as you're doing a meet and greet. Like I can't, I don't have your energy dude. Like I'm done. You know, like I do the show and I'm like, I can barely muster a fucking hello to somebody. I mean you're out there laughing and I just can't do it, man. I'm not like you on that regard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's cool. I've had the, uh, when they're waiting by the car, because then it's like, it's pretty limited amount and of course you take time to do it. But an organized theater meet and greet dude, that is a multiple hour event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see that's, even that thing was a, that's actually a tip of that, like it's a wink at us making


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that from? That's from his audiobook before he became president. Oh, for real? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember hearing it in, yeah, pretty much, I have a memory of like 13, like that's pretty much that memory, and then I remember it being yelled at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's kinda, that part is, you know, cause all through, before then I lived in the Midwest, not to say that there's no racist people, but I really never casually heard that said anywhere. Yeaah, Florida, yeaah. In like Cincinnati, I mean, there's obvious people say it, but I'm saying I didn't hear it as a little kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Minneapolis in the schools I went to, Milwaukee, nothin'. Florida, like, day one. I played basketball. And, uh, I was just schoolin' this kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, I was, I used to play basketball a lot, so I was just better than him. He's like, you play like a fucking nut. And I was like, what? And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what? He's like, what? It's a compliment. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I mean I was stunned. I was a freshman in high school. I had not heard it. Your parents never dropped it? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should have called it n-word time, huh? Uh, wait, so tell me, tell me the thing you were saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of feel like I remember this, uhm, one of those things I have a memory of with you. Yeah. It was because I knew it as Ding Dong Ditching. I did, I never heard of Ding Dong and Ditch. Ding Dong Dash or Ding Dong Ditch. Oh yea, we called Ding Dong Ditch and, and when he told me his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you said like, like a verb or something? Oh, I get it now. You mean like, like the ding dong ditch or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also naaasty. It is. You are nasty. I am, I'm pretty gross. Imagine the kind of guy that your girls will think like, this is like the, cause girls model their, you know, who they pursue usually after their dad. It's going to be like the nastiest guy. It's going to be a guy that comes up and he's going to fart in his hand and be like, sup Bert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would've thought, I would've thought that Isla had like a real strong game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you push when you shit? No, now it's just like, I gotta go. Everything's like I gotta go. It's not like disaster shits. I'm saying they're normal shits, but I, I don't wait, like, I'll just sit, it's like, it's telling me it's time to go and it's pretty quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I remember in high school, we did a, uh, like a class trip, a class overnight trip where you go and you spend the night in like the woods somewhere. And we were a junior in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was the morning and I go, and you know, when you feel the gurgles, you're like, this could be a nasty one. It's going to be loud. So I walk in and I'm going towards the stall and I see Cliff, one of my classmates. He's like, what's up, man? I do, I go, Hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, um, I sit down and I'm like, I'm going to wait for him to get comfortable because I know how bad this is going to be. And I want them to be locked into it, you know? But my asshole is also like, you got to shit bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge explosion. And within a second, I just hear him go, fuck this. And pull his pants up. I think he had a turd hanging out of his ass. Just pulls his pants up and leaves because, and I just start laughing so hard because I know how bad it sounds and I know how bad it smells. He left the bathroom. It's still like one of my greatest high school memories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about like in a normal non-spicy shit in the morning? Or no?


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[Assistant] Trashed. Yeaah. But everything else with you is fine. Yeaah. That's great. Don't I look crazy? Yeaah. Cause you don't like, it's not that you look terrible or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying you don't, but it's like knowing how you, how you fucking drive. It's like, it's kind of crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I want to point out that when you shot this special, I remember you calling me like, Tommy, you wouldn't believe how skinny I am right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we get down to 205? Dude, that's going to be so ridiculous. Can we make a documentary about you gaining it back though after you hit 205? Yeah. And like, I want you to go crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah man, I remember that, uh, there was a, there was a guy who came to his show once with his girl, and he was like, we were talking about farts, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I play them just to upset her sometimes. For real? Yeah. Um, isn't there one from last week? I feel like there was. Oh my God. That made me laugh. Um, where was it? Yeah. Last week there was, oh, here it is. Yeah. I played this last week just to piss her off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, don't fucking throw up, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. Okay. All right. Um, Bert, I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. Uh, you have a great special. You're going to have a million new fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's, it's really great, man. Thank you, man. You guys check it out. It is, uh, it's going to be on Netflix for eternity, but starting this Friday, it's called secret time. Um, and just keep following Burt for tour dates. Uh, listen to the Burt cast. Here's our closing song is called lick the ass, lick the balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple of silver spoons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. That was really great. Kiss and pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really great. I mean, how you don't have this ready already is just beyond me. You know, this is what the show's about, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my God. Okay. I'm a grader. This stage is mine. You ready to, you ready to hear my favorite form of music that exists? Yeah. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, even though I could go get one now, I wanna be like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends likes, like the free flowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just carrying on the great tradition. Of having no musical talent. Sure. In my bloodline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of stuff to talk about, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the lot of them, I think if you're like, what is it, is evangelical and like old school Baptist, they really read the Bible literally and then they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what really will change your opinion on, I think, religion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being a grown up, any photo from space, you know, when you look at a photo, I was looking at a photo from space that was taken by some satellite from Saturn towards Earth, and you just see a dot and there's an arrow that's like, this is Earth, kinda makes you go, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be like if someone said, and then the people on that star think that a magic man comes out. You know what I mean? Yeah. Makes you go like, what? They read a Bible? It's absurd. The book said to not eat pigs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do something, let's say self indulgent, it's kind of selfish and greedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's something mundane, like eating pig. Um, but then there's also fires and mudslides. Pedophilia. Yeah, yeah. Right now. Genocide. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you have sausage? Put that back down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's up to you. You better stop being bad. That's where this happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it! Yeah, it's really cool. So, so ridiculous, you know. It's just like the gaze. I know, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so yeaah, this lady here has like some pretty strong views.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is this even like- All the stories make no sense. No sense. And also the idea that there's a book in, even in historical context, human history, it's like a hundred thousand years old, but we're gonna, like, but two thousand years ago, they're like, that's when the guy was here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so stupid. Here's what I think, this is what God is doing all day long every day. Rup, rup, rup. He's just jerking off watching TV. I think we're TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good, really good. No, because he's a guy, so his cum's gotta be, that's the hurricanes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a couple of religious jokes in my act right now. Man, it's so funny. Most of the time it goes pretty well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's been times when it's gone sideways, and it is amazing to me how seriously people take that still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I tell you about the conversation I had with a woman on the plane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't talk, I don't have those conversations anymore. So I was sitting there and, I don't know, it was pretty mundane stuff and then I saw, I peeked at the cover and it was something about Peter, the apostle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll go, I said something like, good book. And she was like, it's really good actually, it's really good. And I said, oh, okay. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was looking forward to reading this and I was like, oh. And then we started talking about that a little bit and I kind of, you know, I didn't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, oh, that's good or whatever she said, but then she's like, yeah, you know, and it's kind of my mission to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I try to save people before and I go, well, what do you think happens? I go, they don't. She goes, then they go to hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, do you really think that people go to hell if they don't accept Christ? And she goes, yeah. And I said, what about, um, cause there's a lot of people, billions of people that are another religion, like back to what you were saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should keep pointing out that these are being recorded at a different pace because of the fucking movie schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just letting our listeners know. I mean, I'm thrilled to do the movie and I'm, I always love doing this show. I'm just saying that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the kids that grew up in Catholic homes know that, you know, Catholics, if you had real Catholic parents, they had a real, a nice way of ruining childlike fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, everyone else is talking about presents. Yeah, well, they're stupid and they're going to hell. And then Easter, yeah, Easter is like bunny chugging. They're like, well, the real part about Easter is God rose after he was murdered. And you're like, oh, I'm four. So yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wiped him and people pointed and laughed and he had a crown of thorns in his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember being a kid and then showing us that on an Easter too. But I mean like not in school, I mean being a young kid, you know, maybe five or six and you're like, have your basket with your Chucky treats. And then they're like, there's an image of, and you're like, what happened? That's Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's- he rose from the dead today, while you're eating your fucking chocolate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. No, no, that's the whole thing. That's what being a parent is, is you do it for the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, that's, that's what being, yes. Like us doing that yesterday and hiding eggs and that's us being good parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely think most men would fall short if they were single parents. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this generation is different though. It is a different, it's a different world. We're also, this generation is much more emotionally aware. Generationally, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd be like, yeah I like steak. And then he'd be like, ah, I ordered some chocolates too, but I don't know where they are. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. I mean the women kind of ran the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she asked specifically, I'm sure you would try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm being, uh, antiquated with this stuff, but it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would never do a decoration. I'll tell you that. If it was just me, not a single thing, you would never know what time of year it was. If you were just dropped into this home, you'd be like, I don't know. Is it March? Is it June? Is it November? You would know, no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they say. That's what the doctor says. It's a butt fuck disease. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, yeah. By the way, did you see this? You've seen this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep the change you filthy animal. Uhm, this guy, what is his name? Jamie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have a, I have a joke in my latest special about, which is true, about sometimes throughout my life, including recently, people will be like, oh, Segura, is that Japanese? And I have a, so there's a bit about it in the special, I don't want to do the whole thing, but, so anyways, I guess, you know, people have been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who think it's Japanese, they're like, sooo, sooo, uh, you know, that sounds Japanese. I'm like, alright man. Anyways, that's the joke. He did a tattoo on someone. Craziness. Uh, of me as like a samurai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he did, uh, 14 hours. Damn. It's a real fan right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so amazing, especially in contrast to that Instagram page. I think it's called sucky tattoos or suck my tattoos. That shit is so fucking hilarious because it's, it's basically tattoos that were done in 14 seconds. Yeah. It's sucky tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the tagline is, stop getting shitty tattoos. That's what it says. It's, it's so unbelievable. I'm gonna try to pull it up right now and show it to you. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That people would, especially when you see how bad these are, uhm, it's like, why would you, this isn't like you paid, you bought a painting. And you're, you're, uh, you know, you're like, I'm going to hang this up. This is on your body. You know, this is on your body forever. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what that's supposed to be. That's misspell believe in myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it has shit like this. Put the eyes on your ass cheeks. The ones that are really crazy are just like the really poorly sketched ones. You know where the line work here? Like the outer edge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They misspelled California and then wrote over it, California dreaming. And I mean, look at the font.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I don't know. They misspelled two, you know, there's two Os in this. Too weird to live, too rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anyways, what a, what great contrast, right? When you see this work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, that somebody paid someone for that, and then you have fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep forgetting, cause I look at it, I see a painting, I keep forgetting that this is on someone's body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even right now I keep forgetting as I'm looking at it, cause I'm looking at the artwork, and then I have to remind myself, somebody's walking around with that. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, a photo-like tattoo of him on my body. Geez. What part of his, is that on his leg you think? Arm?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm assuming, yeaah, but hopefully most of them are just, you know, not tattooed on someone. Maybe you learned all your bad stuff on paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look horrible. You gotta do it. You're just ugly until you get your hair done. And I've been like this over a week, but I can't touch it myself because I go to shoot more of the movie tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have to go tomorrow and let them do the cut and make sure it matches the earlier stuff. Anyways, it's making me absolutely crazy. Shout out to Plymouth, Minnesota, a suburb of Minneapolis. I'm wearing my Twin Cities hat today. And shout out to Zachary Lane Elementary School, where I went for one year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's definitely someone right now who's like, no fucking way. I went to Zachary Lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we went to the Catholic school, I forget the name of, 5th grade, and 6th grade. Jesus Christ. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know how full it is compared to how I've been wearing it.


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[Assistant] I think I had showered. That's why it was amazing.


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[Assistant] Meeting guys, a lot of nice guys. I'm having a muscle spasm in the same spot for a couple days. It's not weird. What spot is it? Right here. It's moving right now. What's going on there? You see it?


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[Assistant] Oh yea, facelifts, nose job, chin implants. I had no idea how much even the discussion of removing one's penis and testicles would affect me. I would feel


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[Assistant] So, and I, and I'm, this is not to belittle or demean or humiliate anybody who does it. Uh, I think, you know, by all means do what, whatever you want to do to be happy. I think it's great if that's what you want to do. I'm saying,


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[Assistant] When the person was consultating with the doctor, I could feel my testes jump, I could feel my asshole go like,


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[Assistant] I couldn't, I was, I was having this visceral reaction to it that I didn't expect at all.


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[Assistant] Rop. Rop. Rop. It's fine. He's Thai. He's Thai.


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[Assistant] That is one of the big things about public healthcare in different parts of the world is that they will pay for it, but they sometimes are like, you gotta come back in years.


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[Assistant] She had her facelift done. Whatever, she's all black and blue, which is normal. And then... Eyelids all stitched up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, her face is all crazy and then she's looking in the mirror, she's like, I look great. And then about 10 days later, swelling has reduced. Oh my god, so brutal. Watch it. I keep thinking about it. I was a logger, meaning a transcriber on home, uh, Extreme Makeover was the name of the show, Extreme Makeover.


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[Assistant] That was the network version. They would air this shit on ABC, I think.


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[Assistant] And they would basically take people, busted ass people, and uh, give them total makeovers. I mean, plastic surgery, new teeth, hair, new wardrobes, everything. And then, you know, they would have a big reveal and people would be like, what the fuuuck? It was fun to watch.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Dr. Futnux was a big douchebag. And he let us get like free whitenings and we went there and then...


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[Assistant] His, uh, assistants are like, do you have, that's where they told me, they're like, you have like 20 cabins.


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[Assistant] So this lady has like the 10 day, she's 10 days removed from, from her intensive plastic surgery where they're jamming slides under her fucking face and pulling her, peeling her face back and she's like, grrrr.


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[Assistant] Anyways, she's like, I'm gonna go see the doctor today. And when she says she's gonna go see the doctor, her left eyebrow, she's like, I'm gonna go see the doctor today. I have someone I wanna talk to him about. And you're like, I think she's gonna talk about that eyebrow.


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[Assistant] And she goes in there and she's like, uhm, there's one thing I wanted to ask you about. I remember you mentioning it and I didn't realize it was an issue until people kept re-explaining things to me like I didn't understand.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and so that becomes your canal. But somehow you stay with good sensitivity to it?


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[Assistant] You wouldn't have that done? And what if while they explain it to you they're like...


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[Assistant] So what happens, like, can you hear a little bit? Oh my god, I heard everything. No, no, normally. Oh, pees. You hear pee? Number one only. And you smell too, though.


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[Assistant] It must be a nice world that you live in because let me tell you something about the men's room. Yeah. In a lot, in most places, especially a busy men's room.


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[Assistant] Like I'm saying multiple stalls. It is a symphony of sounds and it smells like death. I mean, you go to LAX.


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[Assistant] Any major airport, but like those, those bathroom stalls are wrecked. I mean it stinks too high heaven.


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[Assistant] And you see the fucking messes of humanity walking through there. Yeah, garbage. Garbage people. Yeah. No, it is, this is like what it's like, uh, in the men's room, it's like,


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[Assistant] Like, and you know the person that, I've heard people go like, Jesus. You know, like that? I've heard that before. So, if that happens and you're feeling a little timid, you know, but I've also walked out and had people just look right at me and you go like, no.


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[Assistant] I've had them say, I've had them say like, hey, yeah, uhm, while I'm at a urinal, and I've also had it while I'm washing my hands, like, you know.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know if they know I just shit. No. I don't think so.


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[Assistant] I've had a guy try to shake my hands while I'm at the urinal.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And I'm like, well, I'm a little busy right now. And he's like, oh yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] I was going to come see your show, but I didn't. I'm like, thank you. That's always the fun. I was going to see you, but I chose not to. Thank you. All right. Yeah. So you remember, it was a few weeks ago. I wonder if I have it.


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[Assistant] Uh, in here, there was a guy, and he had a proposal. I think, yeaah, this is weird.


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[Assistant] It went down a pretty shitty hole, but essentially he's like, Hey, I'll give you a thousand dollars to have dinner at a nice restaurant, but I want to have a family with you. I don't know. Anyways, here's another video out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, again, you don't have to express this feeling. You can feel it. You just don't have to share it.


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[Assistant] I think he's going to say drugs, but I think he's also going to talk about mental illness.


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[Assistant] But in that first video, I didn't think he was mentally ill, I just thought he was kind of a snobbish...


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[Assistant] Like, they could be like, uh, are you hungry? Get a Jimmy John's sub.


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[Assistant] Tax day's almost here. Have you been to H&R Block? Give us a call.


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[Assistant] But she has, it's not just one word I'm saying, you know, she's able to speak freely with some command of basically language most people don't.


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[Assistant] Those are drugs, right? Yeah. Or maybe she's just sick.


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[Assistant] They're flimsy. Sometimes they're covered, they have an open back, you know. So sorry, which one? Sometimes slippers just have an open back.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've seen, I've seen all different versions. I've seen the sandal version where you see the whole foot but it's just covered and it's like fuzzy. But I've also seen like the house slipper, in other words, your foot slides into it and open back. Right, open back only. But it's clearly a slipper. But I think it's just, I think it's a fad where


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[Assistant] The fad is like the more that's meant for home, the more you're seeing it out. Yes, I'm seeing that. It's almost like it's a statement. Like this is such relaxed wear that I take it out because that's how chill I am.


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[Assistant] I wear my PJs and my slippers when I'm out.


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[Assistant] He wore pajama bottoms on stage, yeaah. Well, it's Jeff Tate. Yeaah, he can pull it off. Yeaah. I'm just saying, that's how relaxed he is.


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[Assistant] If I have, uh, like, serious diarrhea.


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[Assistant] Uh, then I will have some electrolytes.


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[Assistant] About like as a nickname for it and I kind of laughed at it and didn't really, you know, he's made it like, oh yeah, it's a joke name. And then I went to the airport and this lady, it's a lady in the United terminal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you fly United out of LAX, she's a black lady in maybe her somewhere between 45 and 55 and she wears sunglasses, but they're clearly.


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[Assistant] Like prescription sunglasses, but she wears them at the gate. So you, you, she stands out cause you're like, that woman has sunglasses on and she was like, fly 1528 to Chicago is boarding now. She said it and I was like,


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[Assistant] What? And anyways, I saw her a couple weeks ago.


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[Assistant] She was one of the first ones that I really, I mean I saw her do it over a year ago, but I wasn't really keen on Chicago.


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[Assistant] That one is like, wait, what? That's terrible. And, uh, Houston. My dad says that. Houston, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. But Washington is like...


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[Assistant] Chicago. Why are you, why are you throwing an R in there? Why?


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[Assistant] Going to Frisco, the 69ers, the football team.


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[Assistant] Well, I do have it on the books, I'm not allowed to announce it yet. But it's not for a while. But I did lock down date.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think she's just your run of the mill, like what do you need to do? What do I need to do today?


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[Assistant] She's a ham and egg-er, like she just goes to work, you know? Gets her job done. She's like, hey, tonight...


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[Assistant] She did a few different things. I don't want to pull up a porn thing on our screen.


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[Assistant] Oh, you can, yeah, yeah there is, yeah. But this one here, I think you can...


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[Assistant] Okay, so, you know, she did her thing. Stuff like that. But I think she'll always be remembered as a ball hog.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no longer in the game. I don't know.


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[Assistant] You ready to do your 60's in porn? Yea. You ready to do your gelf porn? In Kim Ann scenes?


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[Assistant] Is she Thai? I can't remember. She definitely says it in that one video we used to play.


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[Assistant] One of my dear, dear good friends, Mark Wahlberg, is in it. And uhm, sorry, just talking about who my friends are. Uhm, just one of my good friends. So, anyways, one of my buddy Mark's in it, and uhm,


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna tell him. I'm not really in shape. I'm gonna tell him you're getting fat again. Uh, who plays the, the mom? Oh, she's great.


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[Assistant] She's great in it. This is the infamous film that, uh, Kevin Spacey last shot.


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[Assistant] And then about 50 days, it was shot, ready to go, ready to be released. 47 days before it's release, this, the, it comes out that he's trying to fuck or accused a fucking teenage boy, underage boys, and he's a,


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[Assistant] Huge perv, of course, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly harassing people, allegedly going after underage guys for a long time. Anyway.


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[Assistant] That, that's the storyline. They go, we can't do this movie with Kevin Spacey. It's all ready to go. It's edited already.


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[Assistant] So then Ridley Scott, the director says, I'm going to reshoot all of his scenes. This is an already completed film. So crazy. And he cast Christopher Plummer as the reshoot. Uh, so they have to bring in


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[Assistant] Right, but isn't that amazing? So what they did was the editors sent


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[Assistant] The thing of course that's amazing is that even though Spacey is a bigger star than Plummer, I mean you watch Plummer in it and


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[Assistant] He's actually an elderly man playing an elderly man, which makes sense, as opposed to space. He was all in makeup to make him look older.


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[Assistant] Amazing. It was based on the real John Paul Getty who was a


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[Assistant] Infamously wealthy and stingy man. And he had such, like there were some things we were really laughing at. Like, uh, as, as I'm sure a lot of rich people experience, they get letters.


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[Assistant] About people's hardships and want to know if the rich person can help them. So this, you know, in the movie he has his grandson reading him a letter that someone wrote, Dear Mr. Getty, you know, my, uh, brother needs a liver or he's going to die.


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[Assistant] And I would hope that you can help us out. God bless. And he's like, he dictates to his grandson, he's like, right? Dear so and so, if I.


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[Assistant] Gave money to everybody that asked for help, then I'd be destitute like you.


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[Assistant] And you know, one of the things, I mean, that didn't necessarily happen, but in real life, when his grandson was really kidnapped, and the kidnappers did demand ransom, he wouldn't, his own grandson,


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[Assistant] And, you know, in the movie they have him saying things that he probably really said, which was like,


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[Assistant] I'm not paying that. And they go, even when his, uh,


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[Assistant] Guy that works for him is like, you know, it's a drop in the bucket to you, and he's like, nah, because if this thing...


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[Assistant] Doesn't work out, I'd be exposed, I don't really have any money to spare. Things like that. Or he had a payphone in his house for guests to use? For guests, that was great. Yea, that's real. That's real. He had a real payphone so that you wouldn't make long distance calls on his dime.


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[Assistant] Very luxurious, I mean the homes and they were outrageous, you know, and he's, he was perhaps the greatest.


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[Assistant] That is the reason. Can you park closer? Yeaah. And uh, you know what, yeaah, it's 25 dollars to park here. Okay.


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[Assistant] He, uh, yeaah. It's gross when someone's that rich and is pinching it that hard.


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[Assistant] I hate, I hate when I hear, I mean, I guess I like cars, but I also hate when I hear about


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[Assistant] Rich guys driving like wack ass cars and like, what the fuck is wrong with you?


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[Assistant] You love cars. I know, but this one's, it's really reliable. I get great mileage. Like you're rich. The fuck are you doing, man? Live a little.


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[Assistant] If it's a, if it's... I hate that. Well, it depends on which, uh, what part of the country and what, what, you know. Yea, no I know.


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[Assistant] So it's, it's nuts, I know. Where you're like, you don't wanna, it's what everybody sees, first thing they see.


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[Assistant] Get your toofies fixed. They're colored and there's holes in there. It doesn't look like you know how any of it works. You wanna see some wild shit? This guy who also Dr. Drew could give an evaluation on.


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[Assistant] Oh, so he is talking shit, knocking shit off the counter, and I think he just pushed a register off the counter? That's a pretty aggressive move, okay? That's a pretty aggressive move.


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[Assistant] Did you hear what she said? No. She said get up I'm gonna taze his ass.


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[Assistant] Just that he's getting it because he deserves it. He went in there and started some shit. He does. And then stranger, like, that guy that just came in and slapped him doesn't work there. He's just a patron that was like, oh, I can get in a slap too.


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[Assistant] So she just, first of all, it's one thing if you act out and then like, like that first guy punched him because he, he shoved him first. It's like, all right, now he's laying on the ground and someone's like, hold on, I'm going to tase him. Like he's already down. So she goes to tase him and then.


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[Assistant] This motherfucker has a scoot scoot and he's starting shit. And he's talking shit in Burger King. He's crazy. Wow. That's pretty wild. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go into Burger King, someone says, you go into Burger King on one leg, yelling, push it off the counter. Uh, start talking shit, get in people's faces, how do you think it's gonna go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely starting some shit. Crazy person. Yeaah. That's completely unnecessary.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that means my brother, sister-in-law, and I were wondering what you thought about which of, uh, which of a conjoined twin pair would have to push to poo. I'm personally horrified by even entertaining the subject, but I'm sure we are not the only curious ones about the question. I mean, uh, Mommy Tina tore it up in SLC.


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[Assistant] Uh, best show I've ever seen at Wise Guys ever. Way to go. Thank you. Thank you for the compliment. Well, that's an interesting question. They're saying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they're conjoined, but from what I've seen from the interviews with conjoined twins, all those questions about who does what, it's one of the phenomenons of what happens. It's neither one, they both do it at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they both just, it's just saying like how do you know which leg to put in front, like who goes first, it just happens automatically.


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[Assistant] Some of those hoes are married. Those co-joined? Yea, those co-joined thoughts are married. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they, they both have their own husbands.


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[Assistant] Good night, good night. And then those guys end up being like, hey man, all the time.


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[Assistant] Payton has in fact done a DP. It was released March 8th.


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[Assistant] Pleasure and laughter, and I am a ball hog.


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[Assistant] I know. I would have her in studio. Just to talk about her.


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[Assistant] When it happens, what happens is I will burp maybe once or twice a month.


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[Assistant] And even then they are always puny little wimpy burps. This means...


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[Assistant] But you think that's like, what is going on in this person's body where that happens? Is it just the way they're built?


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[Assistant] That would have made his whole year. Wow. Maybe it just did.


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[Assistant] Stupid, huh? Okay. Alright. Bye guys. Thanks for listening to the show. See you next time.


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[Assistant] And I really did like fall in love with the traditions.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like it's all about, like there's a holiday where you just eat outside for a week under a tent that you


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[Assistant] And Shabbat is like a 24 hour period ideally where you turn off your phone from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown and you light candles and have a dinner party and then the next day Saturday you just like try to just like engage with your family and read and drink wine and have fun.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, I can't say that I'm fully- Well, you know what I mean.


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[Assistant] But Moshe's brother's a rabbi, so, and he's moving here, so he'll also help us, you know, continue to celebrate the big holidays. You know, it's nice, they're all at night, the holidays and you're drinking and eating, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you like have to get blasted drunk.


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[Assistant] I was eight months pregnant here though, that's why. Eight? Well yeaah. Girl, you're great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we, uh, we went on a tour and, uh, it was really fun. As you guys know, do you tour together?


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[Assistant] No? He won't even get a couples massage with me.


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[Assistant] There's a dance. So you don't want to have your legs straight forward. You want to like open them.


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[Assistant] This doesn't appeal to me because it seems like it would hurt my voice, but I think Mosha should do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is also the opposite of, you know, spreading love and joy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he was like a, uhm, like a film critic or like a film teacher. I bet he taught at, uhm, LA Community College. I did threaten to shoot him. Probably. You did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was fired up when he said, when the guy was like, I know when to turn left. Like what I would have said is like, okay, sir, thank you. Cause we were like, you know, uh, half a step from my house. And then I would have just got the stuff and just been quiet about it. Exactly. I wouldn't have been like, let me out of the car and open up the door and try to jump out of the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this was one present, that's the bow to the present, so he's not that popular.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Moshe said I could make fun of- Does he care if you make fun of him, Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make fun of Tommy, I do all the time. On stage, he doesn't care. Is there anything that's off limits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd like to have- I'd like him to not say negative things about me and I'd like to say negative things about him. Sure, vice versa. But I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say though, the way Moshe acts with people with their cars and with the Uber people, he doesn't do that to me. No, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't want people to think that he carries that into our relationship. Because I know how unstable it seems.


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[Assistant] Eight months pregnant to slither my way into the guy's car because the guy was holding our luggage hostage in his trunk.


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[Assistant] Can I just say that the woman he yelled at who had his car, their car, it was like a, I'd say 65 year old.


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[Assistant] I understand that you understand that, but ultimately in this court, whose side are you on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I fantasize about people dying. I don't care how they die, I just want them out of my life. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's no, not to the same degree, not at all. But that's great, right? Oh yea, like when you strip the body of testosterone, testosterone is the chemical that causes, that triggers the orgasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They lose the ability to orgasm. This is the same, it's kinda the same thing as chemical castration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A backhanded compliment that my PGA gave me because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The PGAD is, was the catalyst that allowed me to accept myself being trans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, okay, so let me clarify this because this is one of the biggest misconceptions of my story that's out there. And that's whether or not I'm jizzing all over the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So even if I wanted to ejaculate, I couldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I mean, this is kind of complicated to explain, but I'll try my best. Okay. So we all know orgasms feel good. Yeah. Mentally. Sure. Okay. It's a release.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, okay, so this is another big misconception because barcroft didn't ex- let me explain any of this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I was getting out of a chair, okay, and I was getting out of this sideways, so my, I was in a recliner, my legs were over the arm of the chair, okay, and I pushed myself up to stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my kitchen, as you can see, is right there, and my chair was right here. So I had to turn around 180 degrees to walk to the kitchen. Instead of taking the step, I decided I was just gonna spin on my foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I did that, my shoe caught the linoleum and my whole body spun. And my back popped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, I have, I need to go through a five disc fusion in my lower back, but the surgeon said if I do it, it's pretty much going to cripple me, so try to hold off as long as you can. If you get it done, you're not going to be the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we don't know, and we'll never know because of the reactions the public give us when we step out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's see, there's myself, there's Amanda Grice, there's Kim Ramsey, uhm, there's Kara Anaya Carlesi, and there's another girl, I don't remember her name, she's in England, but she, she became a porn star or a prostitute, one or the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that went public. And then there's Gretchen, who sadly, uhm, took her own life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I always wore them. Cause I always wanted to have that look, but I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to deal with all these things that were constantly going through my head, you know, as I'm growing up, so I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda manned up a little bit extra and kinda just turned the volume up on being a guy and like kinda overdid it. That makes sense. To sell it. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was offered the opportunity to do a presentation at a conference called, it's called the ASECT Conference. This stands for the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was at that presentation in front of those people on stage behind the microphone where I stopped my presentation mid-sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And came out right there on stage in front of everybody. Oh wow.


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[Assistant] It's just something told me that if there was ever any time that was perfect to do this, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those people at that conference are the ones that set me up with all the people that I needed to have around me to begin my transition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You won't know if I have them. The only way you would know is if I get a little quiet. Cause they're not, they're nowhere near as intense as they used to be. I mean, they used to make me cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, like 8, 9, 10, 12 orgasms in a row and then I'd get like a 2, 3, 4 hour break and they would happen again. It was like my body had this repetitive build up and release of energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so, it's been so long I forgot. Like, I don't know if it's like riding a bicycle because I've never had a gap in my life that's been this long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me ask you a question. How big do you think my story was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a gentleman who claimed to be the vice president of Buzzfeed. Okay. He then went on to congratulate me because my story was the first story in the history of their website to trend number one worldwide three days in a row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how big that's like, I've found articles as far away as in Bob way. And I'm pretty sure if there's an article written about me in, in, in Zimbabwe, there's been an article written about me in every probably man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I got it finished in April and I published it on Amazon. And if anybody wants to check out my story, uh, you can look it up under my name, Christine Hazel Decker. It comes up on Google. It's the first thing that has been listed as an author and all kinds of stuff on Google now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm allowed to talk now? Yes, yes. Thank you for joining us. Oh, absolutely. Uh, thank you guys for having me. Uh, so let me start off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we did, uh, something for John Stites, uh, the American Legion up on Highland. Uh, the vets have a new theater. Okay. Uh, so we went in there. It was super great. The theater is super dope. You can shoot a special in this theater. And, um, that was like, how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Hollywood Highland. And it's off to the left. When you're coming down, you won't even pay attention to it if you knew it was over there. You know, you just drive right by it. But it's a huge building. And in the back of it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna say, uh, like I said, shut out to all the canes, and uh, to, you know, is that it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I'm from Atlanta, Georgia. Uhm, and I had the choice to walk on at any college, but I chose Miami. I was really looking at Clemson or Duke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like five years. And so it just killed the program. And so they've been clawing their way back. But uh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're, I think they're close. They're close. Yeah. I think, I think, uh, you know, I'm, I'm a f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark Rick is our new coach, you know what I mean? And he was a great recruiter at Georgia now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So he's that guy. Like why did you call that play at the big game in the big moment when you supposed to go to the championship?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clemson and Duke? Yeaah, Clemson, Duke, uhm, uh, Auburn, and uh, Georgia Tech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also a great school. FSU. You visited there too? No, well, Georgia Tech is in Atlanta. Right, but you visited FSU also? I did not visit FSU. But here's the thing, my SAT scores were not the best. Mine either. Like they weren't under, they weren't over a thousand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for these type of schools, you got to at least, you know, break a thousand. And I was like, y'all know I'm trying to play football, right? And then they were like, you still got, I said, I know a lot of them cats aren't breaking a thousand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People be thinking like, you know, if you're not like in some like, uh, legacy type of situation where you're like, I gotta go to this school. When people are like, hey, you know, what college are you going to? I'm like, uh, the one that accepts me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six years later to say, you know what, I should probably follow up on what Tom said and went to iMovie. His video is the first thing that I saw of him trying to help me set it up. That's crazy. But go ahead with your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. And isn't it terrifying to agree? Absolutely. When I went, so, uh, I sent a letter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it had to be like, maybe 40 guys down there? To try out. To try out. Okay. Jesus. And so, uh, that shit was like a play. They did all the shit that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would have looked at me, because I would have been going against the same, you know, talent. So, but anyway, I fell so much in love with the school, with the atmosphere, with the women, with the, you know, failing economics year after year after year. I didn't want to quit. I was like, fucking, I'm going to get more than a D out of this goddamn class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like white fraternity sororities, like that's, you do it and then it's kind of like done, but like we get branded, we get tattoos. It's for life. It is for life. I'm still Kappa, like I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's insane. Like he's the top box office draw in Hollywood. And he's got that super positive face. And in college, had your demeanor, had your tone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Behind, you're taking your time. Right, right. But in my 60s, I'ma kill it, dude. You know what? I told somebody the other day, they was like, what's your goal, Finesse? Because I got my first comedy special coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as you, I don't know if y'all remember, but I was like, uh, Mitch Fatale can't follow David Capp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking David Cowell brought the heat. Yes he did. And everybody was super funny. You know, it's so funny because, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you talk about South African comedy and people who are familiar with it, it's two names. It's Trevor Noah and it's David Cowell. And just like society, the light-skinned dude gets The Daily Show while the darker comic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a huge, humongous, local talent. It's not over yet though. Pulling 17,000 people at his shows. It's crazy. You know he has that show, Blacks Only. Blacks Only. Blacks Only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because here's the thing, especially about Atlanta that a lot of people don't realize. The reason the city thrives and is such a dope city is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like the hierarchy of like, you know, it's like, it's pretty much always been a civil rights type of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he really, he literally gave it to me for like maybe 40 American US bucks. Wow. Jesus. Now, I couldn't smoke not one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what I, but what I did is I took that entire bag in that very nice hotel in JoBird and I stood up on a chair and I put it on the uhm, entertainment thing. Yeaah. And I said one day somebody's gonna


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get curious and look up here where the TV is and they're gonna find a whole bunch of weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause sometimes you know how it's comics as you, as you go to the comic condo. Yes. Yeah. So like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And probably like a good 10 years ago when we were starting out, we were milling a lot and you have to stay in the comic condo while the real comic stay in a nice hotel. We would leave stuff, you know, so we'd find out who's in the city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started out there. Really? Well, not started out there, but they used to show me the most love in one of my rooftop videos that has love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I think we went there. I shot roadies there in Vancouver and Ron White was on the show and Ron White all of a sudden was like, hey, I'm inviting everybody to come to the comedy club and I'm doing a set and everybody can come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and so I was like, alright cool, so we all went, and I think it was a comedy miss, cause when you go in, it's downstairs, and it's a small little, you know, it's not huge, but it's, I think that's it. It's not yuck yucks, right? No, it's not. So it might be the comedy miss, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So of course for me, I'm like, you know, I'm thinking North Carolina, cause I love that church laughter. Like there's something about the South.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do that shit all the time. Yeah, see? He's on board. I diaper rape my baby. I rip that shit off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to get that shit done as quick as possible. Of course. Like I could care less what mood she's in. I don't try to butter her up. I just snatch that thing off. I got night shift. I'm already fucking in a bad mood. You know what I mean? And it's the worst type of sleep ever because you land on the couch and right when you start to doze off, you can ehm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then right when you get them sleep trained, they start teething. So that shit starts all over again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Social media was out in the early 90s. Yeaah. So many people be locked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like we had actual cameras you had to set up in the closet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, at his uh, and it's been so long ago, but I saw him at his scorpion king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Release party. His first like big movie. Because, uh, I tell this story, we were at this barbershop, Ms. Barbara, his famous barbershop, Little Hole in the Wall barbershop in Coconut Grove, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, and I'm a huge NWA fan, I'm from Atlanta, so the NWA, you know, Gordon Soli with Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen, you know, anything about Rustman? Not a lot, but I know some of those names, yea, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like 6'5", 6'6", yeah. Yeah, he just has one of those bills that if he just eats...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I tell you Warren Sapp came in as a tight end, he's a tight end, best hands on the team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, towering over me or this and that. So he's like 6'1", I think, or even six feet, but you see the muscles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this one kid named Trajan Bandy, he plays cornerback, he's 5'9". That kid's a monster. Like he wanna fight you every play. And then he makes plays. So it's not like he's a dirty player, but he backs it up. He's trash talking, he's the littlest one on the field. I like players.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's coming next week, by the way. Is he? Ah, dope. I'm going to go do his joint too. Uh, but he's such a funny dude, such a cool dude, so smart dude. Like he's way beyond, he's one of these people who have been here twice once you start talking to him, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We eatin', and he's smokin', and we drivin', and, and, and we passin' cookies and chips and shit, cause he got all these damn snacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm driving, and once I'm finished eating, I pull out, you know, a Ziploc bag, and it had wet naps in it, you know. I take one, I'm wiping my mouth, wiping my fingers as I'm driving, and he's just quiet, and he's looking at me, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, now I'm addicted to them. They're great. And he's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she loves wet naps. It just, it made me visually think of him in the strip clubs he go to where whatever goes on after the dance, the chick is pulling out a wet nap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, $300 a night, $1,000 a night. But at the end of the month, could not pay rent or car note. Because she would either spend the money, she would make the money at the top of the month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is your frickin' Brett Kavanaugh goddamn mixtape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take pictures, record, none of that shit. That's just during the time where, you know, that's how Miami works. They see shit back in the day and they're like, hey, remember the Super Bowl shuffle? Yea, I remember the Super Bowl shuffle. Let's make a song about gang rape. And they go and they record that bitch, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are like, yo, my job is to run this message from this village all the way to that goddamn village that takes three days, but I'm the fastest.


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[Assistant] And I think those type of gene pool get passed all the way down to where a motherfucker's catching touchdowns and or running track and it just has to be that way. Of course. So when somebody is like, I am the storyteller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my vocabulary is probably bigger than any Supreme Court justice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, from Diddy to all these cats coming and all these different rappers. He's another one too. You know, I went to college. I'm, you know, I'm a dope ass rapper. Oh, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for some cats, that's like Wayne, who never even really talk about, I went to high school every day, and then I had aspirations of going to college, or all the trap rappers in Atlanta, you know what I mean? It's like, I can't even see them walking down the hallway in school, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you hear stories like Migos, where they were like, uh, I heard they was kinda nerdy. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming up in high school, you know, but when you grow into, but they were musicians and when you grow into your talent, you know, and then all of a sudden you get a look that matched the direction you want to go in and the music is banging. By the time you like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mid-twenties, you an old-ass OG in it. Versus like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those dudes was a baller too. Yeah, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea, they don't hurt, but they've been in so long, it's like. They're going to cram your other teeth. They'll give you some good drugs, man. Yea, what? They'll give you some good drugs. If you get them done? Yea, yea, yea. And what's the recovery time?


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[Assistant] I didn't look. If you listen, Finesse Mitchell turned away as a guy. I didn't look. Ooh, it's so smooth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Denver Improv coming up and I got, uh, San Diego, all in October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, man. I just, uh, booked a pilot. Uh, Susu in the City. Shout out to Eden Shear. She's, uh, the young lady from the ABC show The Middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I heard it was on a long time. Congrats on the booking. Yeah, you know, so all I know, I'm supposed to go do, I was supposed to go do Jimmy Fallon, uh, next week to do, you know, to promote the special, go out and do four minutes of stand up at the end of the show. And, uh, I got a council. Why? Cause your boy booked a pilot. Hey, there you go. I love that. That's all we do. When do you film it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a lot of right on both sides. So that's how both made valid points yourself. Absolutely. Both made valid points on Kat's side. It was just more or less like, you know, Hollywood, Hollywood is not Atlanta. We are not in control. We got, you know, Will Packer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As Channing done this, some black execs. That's killing the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not like there's a flood of, you know, black programming on all networks. It's just not. So the slots are very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Limited. And then when it comes to comedy, believe it or not, you gotta make your own way. You know what I mean? So the cats that's on social media doing what they do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Killing the game and forging their own path and eventually that will lead to a gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's when I think cat was referring to Hollywood picking somebody and saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got the audition. I was at that same audition, auditioning for a different character for Girl's Trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She booked, I told her, I saw her, I was like, oh, you're about to get this role. I know exactly what you're reading for, you're about to blow this shit out the water, and you're about to take over this film. Because you just had that, you're just going to pop on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The performance, it's just so authentic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you mentioned Get Out. Lil Rel was stealing scenes in Get Out. He was, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when it comes to stuff like that and people see it and you see it, Christina sees it and she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit, that shit was way better. Their version was way better than Kevin Costner's version.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, when you see stuff like that, the reason I say Kevin was right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On his, what he was saying, because Kevin was saying, look man, Kat, it's not like you wasn't the guy, you are the guy. You came through like gangbusters, Pimp Chronicles 1, Pimp Chronicles 2, I mean you were it. But I don't know this because I'm not personally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're not showing up for every type of promo shoot, every type of, they really, you got to do more work after the film is made than you do making the film. And if you're not willing to put all that work in, they're not going to keep gambling on you, they'll move to the next person. So to me, you know, in our hierarchy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we, you know, Sippel and Rock are who they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on that real urban side, you know, we, you know, Mike Epps was killing it and then Cat Williams just came in and killed it. But then it's all of a sudden they like took a break. It's almost like they took a two year break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Kat kinda like took a long ass break and Mike just took a break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what I'm saying? I'm, I'm putting, I'm, that's my, that's my way of saying, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna say I ever seen Kat do anything. Right. But Kat took a break. Right. Can't take a break in this business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has expanded his brand into helping other comics and just more content. He's too smart and his team is too broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's why I say they kind of both write. Cat's right because sometimes Hollywood propels a star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're like, yo, this dude is bankable, we gonna push this person. Why you getting mad if all of a sudden they're like, yea, we gonna push this person cause not only are they funny, they do everything you can do, but they show up one time. Right? And they wanna work. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 18th? October 19th. Friday night. Showtime. Spirit told me to tell you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First released comedy special. Set your DVRs now. You can do it. You can set your DVRs now. I just got an email from Showtime with my face on it and they're advertising the month of October and I'm like, you know what? This is happening. It's happening. And I'm pissed because I only did one show. And you know how you're nervous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We only did one show. You know, you're nervous, right? You need that second show to be like, I'm about to punch a hole in you motherfuckers. I never got that chance. So we couldn't edit from one show to the net to the other show. So it was just really like, once you see that show is like, that was, that was the show. So there was some mistakes. There was some jokes. I had a key joke that I've been saying for two years. You fucked it up. And I fucked it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, can I go back and, and they're like, no, you can't. And I'm just like, and my wife was like, but it's your art. Damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You left it in. I left it in. Cause it's funny, cause people don't know what the joke is. It's basically a joke that says suck high. And instead of saying suck high, I say suck better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The temperament is different. The country is different, bro. I hate the hypocrisy of our mother effing country when it comes to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you didn't like it, don't pay for the next show or unfriend me or unfollow me. But don't be like, oh, he's not a comedian. I got years and years in the games of making people laugh. And the people that's in the crowd laughing their ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to handle it yourself. Yeaah. I agree. So, you know, you can find that comic, you like, man, me, we was at- Go to the 7th floor, handle shit there, dude. We were at the improv, and uh, and I ain't gonna never forget this, it just happened not too long ago. We were at the improv, and uh, Whitney Cummins got up, and when I say lit these women on fire,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it, we're not safe. And men gotta start recognizing sometimes that they go too far and, you know, nobody wanna, frickin', I don't see men walking to their car with their keys in their hand positioned a certain way, ready to jab a motherfucker in the throat who jumps out. Women, we gotta do that shit. And women are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She finished her set, shit was hummin'. I was next. And I was like, hm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just walked in to do his set that he was going to run later at the forum. And he was just rehearsing. And he was Bill Burr. First thing on his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, no, we loved you. I said, no, no, no. I said, we all the same. I said, we comics, we performance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like that guy, I get it. But you can't tell that guy he shouldn't perform and you shouldn't be rewarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm on the show too, or somebody else is on the show. I'm more offended at that than somebody getting up there just like, they're confident, they know what their material is, you don't agree with it, but hey, you don't agree with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna agree with the next comic maybe. But you're not gonna just stop the show and start yelling out shit. You ain't gonna yell out in cats. If they fucking Broadway play and I'm like, I like dogs. I want to see more dogs. You knew this shit was called cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in, uh, Chicago Laugh Factory and having a great set and this was around the time where the little kid fell in the monkey pit. So of course I had the monkey jokes and how they shot the monkey and da da da. And you could just hear this lady just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Florida State has the pr- the talent to win. They fucking came back on Louisville and they shouldn't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looked like one of those games where Lamar Jackson was quarterback and this shit's about to get ugly, but Florida State came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We changed our quarterback, bro. I know, Rozier's gone. Rozier's on the sideline with a headset on and we got the freshman that's highly recruited and he's so far living up. There's a lot of that going on in college ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bryce kid came in. The very next game Lawrence gets hurt. Wow. And how good is Clemson that they win the fucking game anyway? And Syracuse looks damn good. Syracuse looks legit for the first time since Jim


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, on your next podcast. So when I tune in, I want to see it. You got a Miami shirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I can't even get mad. It's almost like, you know what? I'm going to tell my 2.2 million subscribers about your special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and Twitter, but more so Instagram. I pretty much like Instagram. Oh, what is it? What is it? F-I-N-E-S-S-E-M-I-T-C-H-E-L-L, at Finesse Mitchell. At Finesse Mitchell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I forgot what pure trash the Moose Soup Lady is. She is a piece of garbage. You guys are doing good! Like, just the grammatical errors and that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's well when you're in reference to people how they're doing. Fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aren't your parents watching Sicario 2 right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it. Now you were saying, because we were researching that movie, that they didn't actually film in Juarez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, could you imagine sweet little, I mean, this is in the first movie, like Emily Blunt, them telling her manager like, you'll be filming in Juarez. She'll be like, no, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot without any expresses coming out of the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grape Street Crips. Let's look them up. I'm familiar with the LA Crips. The Bloods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, oh, there is a grape street and they wear purple because they're the grapes. That's their team colors. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MS-13, do you think they were 13 scarves or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's so interesting. Goodness. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a point there. I do like that idea too. I like it when a lady can do guy things too. It's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who doesn't? It sounds great. Do you think that says Devo on his chest? D-E-V-O? You don't think he's a Devo fan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this guy. I like what he has to say. I like him a lot actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got that when he was like 13. Sometimes when you get those early tats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets so complicated these days. Guys want it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hey, in today's climate, gosh, who knows what'll happen if I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this guy actually, I like what he has to say. Again, I've never heard anybody say, I don't feel you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I think, you know, that can be kind of annoying, I'm guessing. You want a real bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like lost in transition. Can we talk about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're practically salivating every time that we turn the TV on because you want to see if the new episode is there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I, you know, I gotta tell you that I only really have love for one of the guys.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but the couple I'm not feeling is the one, they live in a mobile home, these two young people. They have a two year old, and then she's nine months pregnant, and around once, I don't know how pregnant she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I think, too, they have these unrealistic expectations of how the world works. He's like, I hope they accept me at the gun shop as a woman. Like, they're not gonna.


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[Assistant] These guys wear camo to work. That's their work uniform. You really think these guys are sympathetic to you?


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[Assistant] So it's kind of stupid on his part to insist on transitioning right now, he can't defer it just until the baby is kind of up and running. I know, it kind of speaks to how desperate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until that kid's life is stable.


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[Assistant] So I have disdain for him. I can't, or her, sorry, I can't fucking take her. Cause she's always, it's always a cry fast, like, my breasts are leaking. I might have breast cancer. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.


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[Assistant] Because this poor woman, she goes, I just gave birth and now it's a week ago and now I have to find a job because my husband can't work.


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[Assistant] What happens in menopause is your tits shrivel up and fall off and your cooch turns gray. So what happened to her? She just didn't go through it? No, she, she clearly, yea, no, you go through it. Then, but she's like, I need to fuck.


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[Assistant] Hey, maybe she's on some hormones, maybe she's naturally...


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[Assistant] You don't know? Should maybe menopause turn her into a sexual demon and now she wants dick all day?


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[Assistant] No, but who knows? I mean, you're not banging 60 year olds. Who knows what goes on? But they say, dude, they say like in retirement homes,


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Yeaah. I'm Grape Street Crip, that they, they're horny as fuck in retirement homes.


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[Assistant] Well, can I tell you my theory on that? That's an editing reality show trick and what's gonna happen is they're setting her up to be dick dick dick dick dick all day.


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[Assistant] She, all she talks about is the dick, missing the D. And I have to say, like, listening to her say it over and over, cause at first when we talked about your transition, I was like,


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[Assistant] I don't know. It's fine. But your Vigene won't be, it's like, you know. So we'll just be a couple of stamp collectors.


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[Assistant] I don't know, dude. Then we have to have a whole new thing going and... What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Cause I'm used to dick and balls.


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[Assistant] Oh, with your transition? What's your girl name? I forget.


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[Assistant] Who out of our friends? Okay, Ari, Bart.


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[Assistant] Sickle Cell, or you? Who's the best looking woman?


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[Assistant] A mystery solved. It was a bad tonsil, tonsillectomy, it sounds like, and his voice box got messed up.


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[Assistant] Do you think he's messing with us? Like, joking? Nah, I don't think so. He's small.


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe not a physical fight, maybe, uh, what do they call it?


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[Assistant] What do they call that shit? That guy just said a freestyle race? Yeah, a rap battle. A rap battle, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean maybe rap battle is in order as opposed to physical violence with this poor child. Yeaah. These children. Yeaah. One's a child, one's mentally.


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[Assistant] Yes he is. Good for him. Making the best of the neck.


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[Assistant] I heard it, don't worry. Sometimes when you burp, and I don't react right away, you kinda look at me, like the way Fif does, like, are you gonna, are you gonna acknowledge what I did?


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[Assistant] She would be thrilled to know that we all shit at the same time in the house.


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[Assistant] The first one is very different. It's a romantic story between Emily Blunt and Benicio Del Toro. They fall in love.


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[Assistant] I gotta let you go. You treat me like I'm a business partner on the phone.


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[Assistant] You're like, I gotta let you go, sweetie. I gotta let you go, Tom.


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[Assistant] I gotta let you go Tom. I gotta let you go. That was so great. That was fantastic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Nicky, what else, what do you, what's- How are his daughters, like, coping?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I think you're right that a lot of comedians, excuse me, won't seek out treatment or go to therapy because you're afraid that you're gonna lose that thing about you.


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[Assistant] I love that they give spots like that to the wild cards and you're like, don't, don't do that. Just give it to someone that's gonna do something.


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[Assistant] But the 60 year old, fluke. When did you go? Well, actually not until I was...


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[Assistant] 0.0. And I look for the record, yea. And not only that, like, they would audition me year after year. I would make it to callback, callback, callback. I'd get so far, and then I would get the call like, oh, it was between you and ba-ba-ba, and they chose the other girl.


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[Assistant] You know, it's gotta be hard in New York City to meet dudes, cause there's so many like, models just walking down the street in New York City. I would love to date a model. Do it, they're like the fuck, they fuck good.


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[Assistant] No, I don't give a shit. I give a shit even less. Oh, I love this. Yeah, I used to care when I was single and I had free time in here in the thinking part and I would like think about issues and women's stuff and now I'm like...


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[Assistant] I don't have fucking time. I'm just trying to keep people alive. I'm just trying to make sure there's groceries.


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[Assistant] Maybe I'll think about a joke a bit, maybe something on Twitter, but for the most part, I'm more apathetic now.


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[Assistant] That is interesting. All I think about are actually ways to keep my son away from people.


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[Assistant] No, I, like even career-wise, this is it. Like I've done, I feel like I'm at a level, I'm so content. Yes, like you don't- Just wanted to stand up.


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[Assistant] And medical stuff, like never having to think about like, oh my god, I have a cavity, I can't afford to get that taken care of. Like just having your needs met and not having to worry about money, I think is success. But never having to think about money is success.


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[Assistant] More, not more, more, but I want long, long. I'm trying to think of ways to lengthen what we can do. Oh yea, of course. Oh, that's good. Yea, I want to do stand up like, you know, George Burns when he's like a hundred fucking years old. Yea. Uhm, or Don Rickles. I want to be able to have that longevity of stand up. The longevity is what you, that's my thinking.


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[Assistant] Wait, I just had a random thought and I have to share it before it leaves my brain because I have a human sucking life out of me.


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[Assistant] I will never forget, we were at some fucking dog shit contest in Michigan.


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[Assistant] It still is. Cause every now and then he'll bend over and spread it to like try to horrify me and I'm like, it's been 15 years. Like I'm not fazed.


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[Assistant] No, because it's too hot, it's too gamey, I'm terrified, I'm terrified.


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[Assistant] I don't know if I ca- I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so afraid of it, Nikki. I'm so afraid of my butthole.


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[Assistant] Now burping I like, I enjoy farts.


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[Assistant] But can I ask you in all real talk, I mean look, Tom and I are very open with each other, uhm, but I would be afraid of shitting on his dick and balls. I think that that might be a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is uhm, doesn't the poop juice then kinda go into your vag? Like wouldn't that be kind of an infection concern?


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[Assistant] I could see that's a concern. Yeah, I mean, is it hair? I'm just concerned that the muscles won't, you know, come back.


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[Assistant] It's because of snowflake culture, everybody needs to be proud of themselves right now. God, that is such a good point, like none of these people need to know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but don't you sense that this bitch over here is telling her aunt to get a reaction from the ant? Yes. She's doing it to, it's like, it's almost vindictive, like, like, here, here, look at what I do, and here's the bit.


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[Assistant] Not a micro penis, just a very small, petite penis.


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[Assistant] Dude, I really wish, like, instead of trying to make women more confident, be confident, be, it's like, no, no, no, just explain to them very gently that guys are dopes. Like, why are, I'm worried about me, fuck you. Like, let, it's just silly. It's all backwards. It really is.


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[Assistant] Knowing me, I would love it. You know, that was always Lisa Lampanelli's role, was to be, before, I remember, it was like, she was the token whore, you're fat, your pussy stinks, fucking black guys, this and that, and I'm like, poor Lisa, and she had to sit there and clap and laugh like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard in her life.


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[Assistant] I'm both natural because it get me something to eat. I finish my, my bread.