[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Union rules and stuff. Expenses, yea, the expenses are a huge thing. Uhm, it changes the whole game. But yea, OnlyFans, by the way, is stellar if you, if you want to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looove. At terrytown gal, if you're looking to, uh, get to know, maybe send her a message, Bert? Yeah, yeah, let's, let's hit her up. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. And that's the kind of scene work you could do for uhm, no one will know. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that's not that much information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Big tits. Can we give her a plug? No. What's her name? That's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, yeah, she absolutely should actually. Uhm, uh, I could easily do the pescatarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's start, let's start, uhm, when's your special? Oh yeah, let's start the week of your special. Okay. The, uh, the 17th?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to do the vegetarian bet? I can do vegetarian. How long do you think you can do it for? Just vegetarian? I can do it for a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After drinking you'll, you'll wanna eat something like kinda sop it up. What do I get? What do you mean? I'll do it one month. One month? Yup. Uh, what's, what should our bet be? I don't know. Vegetarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, I got it. Okay. We are both gonna get our dandy suits made. Right? We're gonna be dressed like dandies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go vegetarian with you, and if I quit before you, I pay for the dandy suits, and if I quit, you pay for the dandy suits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far we've always been honest about it. I've always been honest. So we've been honest about Sober October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mix of fruits, vegetables, grains, healthy fats and proteins. The proteins must be provided by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Oh, what's a lacto, lacto-vegetarian? Eliminates meat, fish and poultry, but allows eggs and dairy products. Ooo. Ovo. Allows eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it scroll down? Does it have, no, no fish. No fish. No fish. Does it have, uhm, like their, you know, example menu on that, on this page?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going vegetarian. I wanna see what the examples are on the menu there. Okay, can you eat like this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Bert said that you were, you were absolutely obese before and we do not agree with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I know that she's working out a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, none. Uh, how's the diet? Are you eating like really clean right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just brought up the bellybutton, we have no idea what it means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what I'm saying is that, I think that's the wrong way to look at it, because it is totally acceptable to, for anyone to try a trainer and be like, what for me? And there's nothing unusual about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even know what he looks like. Yeah, what the fuck? Wait, isn't that photo you posted of him? Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. His comments make me laugh so fucking hard. Like, I'll be, I'll forget about it for a month. And then he'll just, I'll just click on, yeah, like right here. And then it's like, sac à soufflé.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you comment on Burt's new special and trailer, make sure you keep it PC, be cool, be encouraging, don't bring up his child pornography stance, don't bring up anything race related, Hitler, Nazis, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Congratulations on the new special. Thank you. Yes, congratulations. Thank you so much. I know it's gonna rock, it's gonna go up, up and away for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think I'm gonna do a couple, uh, in, in a couple specific rooms. That's so crazy. You're gonna be doing it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee you, zero doubt, zero doubt, you're gonna be doing arenas within 14 months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, I, I don't know if that'll ever happen. I just feel like there's, no, no, I'm saying, there's some markets where I go like, I don't know if it'll ever pop off. Oh, like Los Angeles. Like Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Netflix if you have not already and make sure you check out Hey Big Boy. It's streaming right now. Uh, follow Burt, get tickets, BurtBurtBurt.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, check out Two Bears, One Cave. Burt and I do it together. It's on Your Mom's House YouTube channel. You can download it everywhere. There's also BurtCast and Bill Burt, uh, on ATC. So, uh, that's it. Congratulations. Thank you guys. Love you, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they can learn everything about you and trust you. This means keeping low, so you are less frightening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When wolves greet, they will want a lick inside your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why women are often more readily accepted by wolves than men, as men naturally exhibit heavier movements, have a taller stature, and a deeper voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job buddy, I'm glad you saluted the president and you got to meet him. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity. And the rest of you who have been shaming him and running your frickin' mouth, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no hate needed. Just love. There's enough hate in Congress without your help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm not shooting regular sex scenes, but I'm basically just doing the scenario you're presenting, like, are you poor? Do you want to make money doing porn? And I'm doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, for how much money? I mean, sure. Let's say $1,500. Would you- Would you- For one scene? Yeah. Sure. You would?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Yeaah, it's legal, he's a porn producer. Oh, okay. So I'll hire the talent, make sure everyone's tested. Yeaah, can I pick, uh, can I be at the casting? Yep. Okay, I mean, I'm in. You really are in. Yeaah. You'll shoot the scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, I'll do it just the way that they do it, where I just jerk off onto the tits or wherever Tom says. Yeah, yeah. There's a director here. Hello. Yeah. Hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an artist. Don't put him on the spot. It's part of the scene. You know, you wanna, he's gotta do a screenplay. Oh my god, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna direct my first porn. I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that? I'm just, uh, spitballing some, some Pornhub hidles perhaps, you know, it's like, cool black guy teaches nerdy white guy how to fuck. Something like that? Yeaah, nerdy little bitch. Yeaah, yeaah, bitch ass white boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, uh, Corey Taylor, lead singer of Slipknot, and, uh, noted Mommy, and his wife who is also into the show, uh, back on Christmas Eve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Purchased my sex work. His wife purchased it for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my goodness, Alicia, if this is truly...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the one, the only Corey Taylor, of course I'm a metal fan, big slipknot guy, uh, I am honored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But honest to goodness, this is a great honor. I hope both, uh, you and Alicia have a fantastic Christmas and a Merry New Year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I hope you stay in touch. This has been fantastic. Thank you for, uh, indulging in my sex work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, if whatever the people have a request for. You'll do that. Shoulder hair is, uh, unique. I find that I'm the only one providing it out there, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I think that's my draw, you would be, uh, silly not to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you exactly how she would do it. It would be a tripping of sorts on my shoulders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see. Yeah. Doesn't that make sense? I might do-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought perhaps she could be like giving me a massage on my shoulders, you know? That's what I'm saying. And then she's like, you know, my hands just aren't strong enough to penetrate your lush shoulder hair. I think I have to use my pussy. And then that's how she does it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll be like, uhm, excuse me, I'm a professional, you need to start going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, clips are the rage. I mean, we could get a couple of different things out of this, you know, in one shoot. Let's use our time economically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like many performers in the business, uh, they have their standard rates for what they do. Right. And then, you know, if you want a little extra, something perhaps, you know, out of their wheelhouse, it costs a bit extra. You know what I mean? So, we might be talking like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10k. 10,000 dollars? Per one, you know, a thousand per load. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you get the, then what it is, it's really a bargain, cause it's a thousand per load, and then you get the boy-girl scene as a bonus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that the other performers are going to be the center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the, of the production, so I think you can really kinda, not to say skimp, but uh, perhaps get a lower rated performer, you know? I'm not picky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I, I tend not to do these negotiations alone, but, you know, for you, I will discuss five thousand, you know, we might have to go down to eight loads or something. We'll have to meet somewhere in a load department. And, uh, yeah, like, also we're, you know, what are the size of the loads? Who are we talking as far as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they are gonna cost you a hundred dollars a pop, so that's, you're saving right there. I know, I know, I, look, I, I just- That was a discussion you probably wanted to have behind closed doors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming too far to hold it all back, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Running exposed, yeaah, instead of closed down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we were talking, cause you were talking about becoming 20mg Tom. Right. And I was saying how like, before I had, I don't remember why, but before I smoked weed I used to have a little bit more of a trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, I didn't start, I'd never, my first time was when I was 19, I decided to make it a daily ritual at 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I gave you an example of a time when perhaps I wasn't as patient as maybe I should have been or, uh, I wasn't, uhm, what's the word? I didn't handle myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the way a person probably should. Yea. In a situation at the dentist office. And uh, it was, you know, the dentist was doing his thing, and dentists have the propensity to not only lecture you about what you're doing wrong. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really doesn't sit well with me, and uh, in the moment, uh, at that time, I was about 14, and uh, he kept just like, making like, ugh, you know, he was getting really like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like yeaah, I was like yeaah, I get it. You know what I mean? But he just kept laying into it. What was he saying? I don't remember the specifics of it, but it was just the typical... It was like, look man, you're not flying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, stuff like that. Like when I look back at it, I don't rem- it's like, uh, the teacher from Charlie Brown is going like, wah, wah, wah, but his- the tone and the way that he said it to me is so- that one is so specific. But the words are just noise. Right. Do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I am not a person, like I am, uh, like I am, uh, some hobo on the street that you can just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got to the point, after I said something to him about it, I said, okay, I get it. Do you know what I mean? Like I made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you talk to me like that again, I'm gonna take that scrapie thing and put it in your neck. And then, uh, he said, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disrespectful, very disrespectful. I don't handle that particularly well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, all the- but it's a- it's a level of it, because like, I can handle, you know, people can talk shit to me or whatever, or ball bust whatever, there's a difference than when a person in society


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talks to you in a certain way. Of course. When, when you're the dentist and it's like, okay man, I get it, like, I know I suck at whatever and I should do it better. I get that you have to tell me that or whatever, it's part of the lecture. But when you have a certain tone about it, where you treat me like I'm subhuman,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna allow that to go down. And back then I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't handle it politically, uh, as I maybe would in this day and age as an adult. Uh, but yeaah, so I said that to him and he said, what? And I told him and then, uh, he, uh, he just left the room. And, uh, he went and he just told my, and then my dad came into the room. He's like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this guy thinks he can fucking just talk to me like I'm some fucking asshole, like just because my teeth are shitty or something, like, fuck him. And then we just, we didn't go to that dentist anymore, uh, after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he just kept going back at it. Like it was multiple times. Yeah. It was to the point where I said to him, I get it. Like sternly, I get it, man. Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he just was like, just kind of like, even just like muttering things under his breath and things like that. And it's just to the point where like, and my sister had it too, she said to me since then, she was like, yeah, that dentist made me cry once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was uh, 14 year old Josh was a bit more brash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, if they, if they, if I felt like I was disrespected, I would say shit like that to people. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing like that where it's like a dentist or anything, it's more just kinda like in passing or maybe, probably to other kids mostly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't say like, I'm gonna smash your head through something, cause like, there's probably physically no way that I could do that. Right. But I would be like, someday you're gonna go to sleep, and uh, and, you're not gonna know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what weed's done for me essentially, has been able to have that conversation with myself. Where I've now been able to be like, don't do that, don't say that, don't do that. Cause, I mean, if I hadn't had weed throughout comedy, I would have probably burned some bridges across the way. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure, I mean, there's that, yeaah, and then you have examples, of course, yeaah, that's what I mean, and plus I was young, and in that time, I don't know what it was, I thought I like knew everything about everything, and, you know, when you're a fucking stupid teenager,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do stupid shit and you say dumb shit like that, but, uh, yeaah, that one, I mean, I never saw that dentist again, so I can't even, like, be like, were you scared, or were you anything, cause he just kinda, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up and left, and then I didn't see him after he left the room, like my dad came in and he's like, we gotta get out of here. And so we left and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you have those moments, where then you learn from them, I suppose, but uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not necessarily a medical thing for me, necessarily. It could be any, any sort of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, uh, I've had it even at like a 7-Eleven or something where the person, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, do you enjoy being a piece of shit? You having a fun day? Is this helping your day go by quicker? Being a real fucking asshole? You know what I mean? Like, pointing things like that out is still fun from time to time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else is fun to say to people like that is, uh, to put it on the inverse and compliment them. Yeah. Uh, but in a shitty way. You know what I mean? We've been like, you know, uh, like you said for your friend, for like a waitress or something, be like, man, this, you know, I thought this was going to be bad cold, but it was good. You know, it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've seen, and I think you would agree, our rage manifests similarly, and that's quietly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's not like an outward thing. Yea, I'm not a screamer. No, no, no. But I mean, when you get pissed at something, a scenario or something like that, it's known, right? Yea. I mean, like, you make it known, but- Oh, here she is. Oh, boy. Please, please. Solve this mystery. Okay, alright, here we go. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all of a sudden you see other dicks, you're like, oh, what's that? Are you sick or something? What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, it's, it's called a fernum. So like if this is your dick. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It right underneath, uh, right underneath the head, it goes right through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's actually a very unselfish piercing. It's for the woman. So, if you're fucking, if you're fucking doggy style, the barbell and the two little balls on the end, they hit the clitoris perfectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fucking crazy. I do pinch myself a lot and go like, dude, what happened? Like, how did... It's hard to even talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, a lot of that stuff centered my mind and I have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, or just a straight up butt fucker. Or a dude. Yeaah. Now here's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no story. Let's just call, let's just file that under experimentation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember what you said you wanted your dick to be? Yeah, I was gonna do an audio, um, book version. Yeah. And so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, obviously I would do me, uh, my co-writer Anthony Boza would be him. We were going to get like a black guy with kind of a husky, cool voice to be the dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then also the English, uh, editor from the book company who would constantly like redline the book going like, this might, this is a crime. This, this, this, this, this, this, this line in here, absolutely. These got, this has to go. Like what? Like what? Like what? It would just be, it would just be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he was a pain in the ass. He just was like, he was just like PC-ing the fuck out of the book. Oh, that sucks. We're not doing that. And also, if you're buying time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, eventually. Imagine me trying to explain the sex swing to my children. Yeah. Or a little, and then I would put like a, like a plant in it. It's a plant hanger. They're like, oh cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like they started, I started bringing them out on tour. Oh. You know, they were younger, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I started, then they started coming out, you know, as they got older, and then now, uh, you know, I, you know, give them like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where everything started changing from like little kid to like, oh, we get like, it's when your kids get what you do, right? You get on a commercial flight and uhm, sitting up in first class, sitting there, my one son, my other son, and their mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everybody's boarding the plane and my, my oldest boy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, super loud, he can never just tell you a secret. Like, hey dad. It's like, he goes, dad!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I go, what? He goes, who are all these people on our plane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is like, not like fucked up, been up all night. I don't even do drugs. This is a normal sleep. Through the night, I go, I go, I'm looking at the clock and I'm like, whoa, it's 4.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next. The, you know, the next day. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. He's all skinny. Heroin. Is the best. Really? By far the best and, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it's amazing, because as soon as you pull the needle out, or smoke it, or snort it, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, as soon as, within a couple of seconds, you just, you just go to this place of like, that fucking, this room could be on fire and I'd be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucked with it for probably just like a little under a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time I did it, I just kept telling myself, man, this is way too good, I could fuck with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, shit would get so weird sometimes where, uhm, uh, my partner and I and my band, uh, we were getting super, super high in a hotel room in, uh, like at Four Seasons in Dallas, Houston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we ran out of fucking, we ran out of dope. We had blow and heroin. And we ran out of dope. And we were like, fuck. And it's like three in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where are we gonna get anything? So we were, I don't know, my fucking stupid ass goes, dude, here, I unscrew the cap on a bottle of Jack, and then fill up the cap, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun for a while, but, you know, at some point it just, uh, would be, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From what I understand, after a long period of use, uh, there's this sort of, there's this buffer in the back of your brain that becomes, uh, uh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then all of a sudden it just, it doesn't, it's not working. You're not feeling the same effects. If anything, I'd, you know, do a fucking bump and be like, huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Smokin' coke, like, for free base basically. Yeaah. But it's the shitty shitty version. So. It's not that rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would wait till, I mean, we would, you know, drink a lot before the show, enduring, but I never really do drugs because as a drummer, you're the guy holding down the fort, so if you're doing blow, everybody's speeding up, and if you're doing heroin, everybody's fucking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pretty much from what my parents tell me as soon as I was tall enough to get up and open the kitchen cabinets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting because I listen to this, I do the same thing. I listen to the sound and the melody. The melody. And the lyrics are way secondary to it. I don't care what they're singing, if the melody catches me, I'm like, oh man, that's cool. That's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Bonham from Led Zeppelin was my fucking hero. Right. God, like hero, hero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything about that guy. You know, just his sound, his feel. He had this really, really beautiful, like a super heavy foot, which means drum lingo. That's just like big bass drum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's real solid in the bass drum. So he had a heavy foot and he always played like, if we call it late or laid back, the snare drum always comes like a little late, like a boom boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always like on the backside of the beat, and that's a true...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You either have that or you don't. It's not something you can teach somebody or learn. And that's, and that's, that just inspired the hell out of me. Yeah, you wanted to emulate that. Yes, and he's, he's a badass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were like stop. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was curious, cause I mean, I've always been kind of skinny, and I eat whatever the fuck I want, and I like sweat like crazy after two hours of drumming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pedometers? Uhm, this was years ago, cause I was just curious, I'm like, I wonder, like, how much exercise, what am I doing back here for two hours? So I clipped on a pedometer on the inside of my tennis shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And after the show, I took it off, and it said 13.1 miles. And I was like, DUDE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is insane. So, it made sense. I'm like, well, fuck, no wonder. I can't gain any weight or nothing. Like, I'm literally sweating. You're a marathon runner. Yeah. Literally. Exactly. Every single day, you're clocking in at 13, 14 miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's down in the gym with me every day for like a week and then she just, I don't feel very good this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would imagine most drummers do. I mean, it's a pretty, it's mostly an upper body sport basically. So you've got to kind of keep that all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, you know what, it's weird, you know, you go from like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's jumping up and down on your bed playing like air guitar or playing on cardboard boxes and thinking one day I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I wanna, I wanna be in a band, I wanna be a fucking rock star, all this bullshit. And you never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think like, well, you think that, but reality is, you know, you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know of anybody that sits there and goes, oh, I'm definitely doing this for sure. Yeah. Cause I mean, you could think it, but to like be that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I mean, it just really came by surprise. You know, all of a sudden one day, you know, we're playing around in Hollywood on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're do- selling out like a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at the whiskey. And that's wha- that's when it hit me. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And check this out, listen to how green this is. In my mind, I was like, fuck, we've made it. Yea, of course. Dude, it's the whiskey and go-go of Friday, Saturday, Sunday, bro. Relax. This is nothing. But in my mind, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had no idea. Had no idea. And then there's that, there's that day where, you know, the first time you hear your music on the radio, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing, yeaah. See, I think like, all the arts


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's outrageous. It, it, it, it does and it is. Yea. I mean, just cause there's so much out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, right? Yeaah. Miami Vice. Yeaah, yeaah. You know all that shit? Yeaah. I think probably the dumbest shit...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I ever purchased, uhm, because if you notice, I don't wear a watch, I don't give a fuck what time it is. Uh huh. None of that. And I'm not into like, I don't know, I'm just not into like bling and shit and like, I bought a fucking Rolex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, it's probably, uh, 110,000 or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' gaggers off your first cold record. I'm like, here dude, take it. And he's like, what? I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah, take it. So I don't even have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just like went on the internet. And he's like, oh, I go, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He goes, man, fuck, I needed the money, man. I go like, I understand if you need the money, then sell it, you know, but don't fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I have followed her for years on Vine. I'm like, man, I just followed her. I thought she was funny as fuck. She's hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just would follow and watch her do her fucking crazy shit. And then one day...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been single for a while, and I was sitting there with my kids, and my kids were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, they're like, yeah, you gotta like sign up and then, you know, they check you all out. And then once you get, you know, approved or whatever, you're in. And I was like, all right, I'll try it. So I get on there. I'm like, did I get approved? I get on there and I'm like, whoa, dude, they're on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, fuck she's funny as fuck and she's cute. I don't know, I'm just gonna say what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, to the classic, the girl next door. You really did say the girl next door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] World tour, like a big tour. How old were you from that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Busting many nuts and kind of the boredom starts, you know, that kind of thing happens. So as a band, we're like, all right, we need to set some like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That three way was paying 20 G's. 20 G's. Bruh. And now, and if grandma took her teeth out and gummed you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes they're like best friends, they're almost like, could be sisters, wants a little older sister, younger sister, and then there's the ones that are clearly mother and daughter, but a lot of times they're very close in age, especially the ones that are bringing their daughters to a show, to a rock concert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. It's like, it's like they're bringing their daughter along, it's like bringing the, it's like a guy brings a puppy to a fucking park. Here come the girls, oh look at your daughter. It's like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy bounties started happening. People were just tired of just regular fucking. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super funny, you made a little clip. It's fucking hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, after that, everybody was releasing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna cover it because the techniques and the technology they have is just not there. This guy's gonna be there for fucking ever getting that ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad we got that. We get this out of the way because yeaah. We got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We fuckin' marathoned every fuckin' thing you've done. Oh, thanks man. Literally, dude, for a couple of days my face hurt right here. Oh, awesome. You're a funny motherfuckin' ex, man. And Christina's hilarious too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are a power couple. I always say like, I don't know, the gift of laughter is something really special. It's very much like music, you know, you get it and you're like, fuck I love this song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh. Yeah, my father was married before, uh, so I have a half-brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I wanted to be so bad to be the first band in there. Taylor Swift is in there before us. Why don't we set our bus on fire?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, we could, we could do that, but I, and then again, I went, you know what, that's cool. You know, that's cool. She'll maybe just kind of break it in slightly. We'll just go fucking wreck the place. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's funny. It's fun. I just like the subject matter, like everybody has the first time they've, the worst first thing. That's ever happened to you. Like you're not gonna, there's some good ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do eat? No. Right now, uhm, it's been like almost six months for me. I just kinda just stopped everything. Good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, the one on the left, right there. No, no, that one. That's it. You know what? Paul, you know I'm bicep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was fantastic. I enjoyed that quite a bit. He does a great job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was taking a gander at the headlines. I thought I'd share some with you, you know, uh, see what you think here, you know. Yeah. Love to. Uh, so people have been traveling great distances to get haircuts. One gentleman traveling 600 miles to get his hair cut. 600 miles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever get called that when you were a kid? No, I didn't get that. You ever have kids in your school? I remember kids in my school, a teacher would be like, that guy's a real Eddie Haskell. Yeah, for being a little. Like a little shit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea baby. I look like the fucking joker. I'm like all I have are negative thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I have plenty of pictures. I've been taking along the way. None of them are for release yet. Uh, did you hear this? The army, because they can't go to schools and recruit people, uh, they've been, uh, using their e-sports team to go on to Call of Duty and recruit kids. So, uh, we'll have an army full of fat retards coming up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the few, the proud, the obese, we're gonna have that going on there for ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today Twitter is celebrating the 75th birthday of Pete Townsend from The Who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like over a decade ago, right? He was arrested. I think it was like 2012 or something like that. It was on my birthday, I remember. I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's, if she's over 18, it's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, did you watch the final episodes of The Last Dance yet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way Michael painted the picture, he's like, there were all these dudes standing around the pizza looking at it when they delivered it. But then, like, right before that, Michael Jordan told a story about one of the players on the bullets that he was facing, and he made up a thing where he goes, uh, he said, nice game to me, sarcastically, and I used that and I scored all the points he scored in the first half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's nothing more than that. We don't have to treat him like he's a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love his grudges. I love the grudge. I love, uh, revenge. Yeaah. All that stuff. But you know what I admired more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the gumption of the Utah Jazz fans for trying to poison his pizza. Yea, that's great. You know what I used to do? When the Patriots were playing the Bills, I used to know what hotel they would stay in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Name one nice guy that won a championship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez. Don't you think he would've fuckin' gotten smoked? Like that would've never been a thing. That's not like a- That's not a sport you can transition to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think he's not used to that type of contact and he was silly for making that statement, but anyhow, speaking of silly statements,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you very much. Uh, so yeaah, I hope we, uh, I hope we don't go into any war any time soon and, uh, you know, good looking out. Yeah, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, I'm gonna have some real fucking sea cups after this shit, holy hell.


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[Assistant] Come at me. I'll give you my fucking home address. I don't give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, allow other patients to observe her breast hanging out at least and grossing the hell out of me. Is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Alright, well I'll just, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to say your police, I've streamed city after city for 50 laps around this country. Your sheriffs ain't doing this kind of crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, I've taken cop after cop down in this country, even chief of police for arson, sergeants, everything you can imagine. Pritchard and the hospital together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was in on this crap together, okay? They wanted me to see her because these are cam shades and I don't go to many places without them being on, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order to understand how to beat the draconians and the dark forces, you need to understand that we are in a silent frequency war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a war that is not fought with guns and bombs. This is a war of frequency. The dark forces are aiming to suppress consciousness and keep our over...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys break their bones, they break their backs, they die before they're 40, I mean, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big hockey guy, cause it's like the only sport left for white people. And uh, right now I'm doing bits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was a kid and I started to notice how the African American wrestlers were portrayed. Shout out to the WWF for the way they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't think, uh, Slick the, uh, jive-talking pimp was, uh, you know, it's right up there with how, uh, African Americans were portrayed on what's happening. I mean, you know, and then you had the most racist one was Akeem the African Dream, who was the one-man gang, and then they turned him black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you have to, uh, the way they introduced him was me and Gene Okerlund is in an alley in New York and all of a sudden you see these five black background dancers in grass skirts portraying savages and they're all wearing like Air Jordans and then Akeem comes out with Slick going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is crossing a line even in the 80s. Holy shit, so, and that's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's still real, like, you know, that guy, the one man gang who's now broke in Mississippi, boy, they really take care of their own Vince McMahon. They got Pat Patterson running around molesting ring boys, but let's not take care of the- Kamala has no legs!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't think it's a secret that Pat Patterson had a, he was like the Sandusky of the WWF and he's in the Hall of Fame. Yea. For wrestling, the Hall of Fame for wrestling. What? Yea. Like it's real but like I don't think you should have a Hall of Fame for it. I'll draw the line there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are much smarter than me, but I think you could probably surmise that wrestling fans skew on the homophobic side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy in the middle is a transit cop now, like he was like a legit wrestler, and uh, you know, he played a gay wedding organizer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was another wrestler, there was another organization called XPW and they had this wrestler who was portrayed as having HIV so, you know, his finishing move was to hit you in the stomach and then you somehow end up with your ass in the air and he pumps you three times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. No, it's like, uh, I've been to Kiss concerts, I've been to Super Bowls. From XPW. Put it in XPW. Uh, yeah. Angel, XPW, uh, gay, uhm, you know, that should- That'll do it. Yeah, there he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wrestled Bad News Allen, who was a legit, this is why I get upset when people say wrestling's fake, Bad News Allen was a 76 judo champion in the Olympics and he, you know, obviously there's not a lot of money after judo at like, it's not like a judo league.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he wrestled Rowdy Roddy Piper WrestleMania and Rowdy Roddy Piper was in black, half of his body was in blackface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I mean if you look up, uh, bad news against Roddy, you'll see, like, and when I brought it up to Roddy a couple times, really every time I saw him, and uh, he was like, he was pretty embarrassed by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, you know, Roddy was a heel, a bad guy, so he was just trying to piss, uh, uh. Oh, I'll piss you off by being in half blackface. In bad news, his character was a militant black guy, like he would finish you and stand over you and give you like the, uh. The black power fist. Yeah, yeah. And, uh, like Andre the giant, this guy was such a badass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kamala, the Ugandan giant who I actually met, uh, he was awesome. He's from Philly. He's from Philly, I met him backstage at a WWF event. It's gotta feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're black. But like the only thing that I would concede, I would concede that wrestling is fake from the standpoint of some of them are playing characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I mean when I met him it was like meeting a superhero. Were you a kid when you met him? I was 13 and my dad took me backstage at the Olympic auditorium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I wasn't into baseball or football a little bit, but wrestling was my... That was the shit. Wrestlemania was the Super Bowl to me, and to meet Kamala and to have him speak perfect English to me was the most mind-blowing thing I've ever...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in, in the ring or like on mic he would do a heavy accent? No, he wouldn't even talk. What he would do is he had this Asian manager named Kim Chi who wore a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's many worse characters. Trust Kim Chi is like the pope of racist characters. Kim Chi? So he wore a safari outfit with a mask, you never saw his face, and he was actually a Polish guy, but you know, for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was his manager, but Kamala couldn't speak. He had, this is how stupid Kamala is, he had, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had tribal pain on his face, and he had a moon on his stomach, and then, uh, two, uh, like, uh, solar system things on his gut, and he thought they were bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, not Kamala, well, there's another Kamala.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so when I met him backstage. So you met him backstage and you're like, this guy doesn't talk. Yea, and he, you know, he's 6'8 and I'm, you know, 13, so I'm, you know, I don't know, 5'8 or whatever and he motions for me to come over and he extends his hand and he's like, hello young man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what are you doing speaking English? And he looks at me and goes, my name is Jim and I'm from Tupelo, Mississippi. Hello there. And I'm like, uh, no it's not. You're from Uganda. And then Kim Chi goes, hi, I'm Steve. I'm like, wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not, Sakura. I mean, uh, Ric Flair's a 16 time champ, you know. He busted his ass, he broke his back. You guys don't like Ric Flair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like a match, my name is Big Dick Bandit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't like the current product, you know. Why not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's just fitness models, and it's still real, you know, they still get hurt. I mean, there's a guy named Seth Rollins, he almost broke Steng's neck twice. Uh, not the, uh, bass player, but uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sting the wrestler, who actually copyrighted the name and Sting the bass player has to pay him money. So not all wrestlers are morons. Sting the singer? Sting the singer has to pay Sting the wrestler. For the name? Yea. Ah, hilarious. Sting's no dummy. By the way, I have seven of his t-shirts from,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's just not, uh, it's still real today, but back then they were, uh, you know, like Abdullah the Butcher would, you know, take a fork and put it in your head and jab you with it. Now they don't do stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm challenging you Mystic Rick, because it's the old saying in life, you like to hear someone's doing pretty good, but you don't want to hear they're doing better than you, and physically I've always done better than you, and you think wrestling's fake, we'll get all your crew in there, I don't want anyone helping me, and I'll beat your fat ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal. Go to satva.com and get your mattress right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen to me, your destiny is calling you, your future is here, you have to be proactive, you have to do things to promote


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? Are you a photographer? Are you a writer? Do you make jewelry? Are you a massage therapist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get whatever it is that you're doing out there and it's gotta be a cool design, a website that lets everybody know who you are and what you do. You can sell products, you can promote whatever online business you got going, a special event, whatever it is, it's all possible with Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So go there, build the template, incredible world class designs, powerful e-commerce functionality, uh, you can customize the feel and look, everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just a thing that is mandatory. No matter what field you're a videographer, if you're a ditch digger, you have to have someplace you can send people to see what you do to book you to get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, a dream is just a great idea that doesn't have a website yet. Make it a reality with Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a hit. I gotta tell you man, I mean, that was Beats by Manolo. Thanks very much for the Mark Bahlberg mix that you made for us there. Mark Bahlberg. Mark Bahlberg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got so many text messages about it. That's when you can tell when something like is really popping is when people start texting you about it. Like friends are like, I got, I went crazy on your Mark Wahlberg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was out in a, uhm, in highlight form. They put out highlights only, and I was like, alright. And then, yea, two weeks ago, three weeks ago, they uploaded the full interview from a year ago. I don't know, man. I have no idea why they did that, but they did. And, uh, we are forever grateful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many things. I did a deep dive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't spend your time and don't email us at yourmomspodcast at gmail.com with the subject line Larry King with links and time codes to the mistakes that you found.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be a waste of time, and it's just for laughs? Don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like there's gonna be, there's so much cool stuff that's gonna happen this episode. Slick stuff, neat stuff. Uhm, but I wanted to, you know, give you a chance. Yeah. You weren't here to grieve about, uh, Connell Eugene Peterson, aka Fedsmoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's now confirmed that he passed. If you're hearing this for the first time, I hope you pull over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, because it's kind of jarring to hear, uh, but you didn't get to... No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like we'll have to do it some other time. We'll do it soon, but like just him pulling into a gas station and he sees this woman. He goes, what's up there? You pig, you fucking sow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, holy shit. He was, he was, he was actually a musician. He actually, you know, I watched that segment with, with, um, Drew playing the piano. He's like, he doesn't sound like he played. And I was like, it sounds like he played to me. Like that was pretty well put together. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know our homeboy, uhm, Fart Simpson?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do uhm, this is a pretty fun one. Uh, we'll get right back into this. Okay, but here's the opening clip, my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I love it. Uh, yeah, it was pretty, guy seems pretty nice, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the subway, he's in a wheelchair, and his wheelchair is stuck in the exit, and then he just, sounds like he's just verbally abusing other passengers, who are probably making reasonable suggestions, like, you know if you turn, he's like, fuck you bitch, like that, so, no, but if you, he's like, shut the fuck up, you fat bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, he is not, uh, very thin. He's not small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he has, what if he has, you know, his own standards, he was like about to like say the R where he's like, ah you can't say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. That worked out well. This guy, real calm. This door is broken. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of feel like a real, I don't know, I relate to the back and forth of the way that just happened and how I speak to our oldest toddler at times when he's like, this won't work without batteries. And he's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like kickyfooting, yea. I used to see it all the time. You get mad at people that kickyfoot. When they're like, oh, you know, I used to see them on 6th street and they're like, you have any change? And they're in their chair and you're like, alright. And then they're like, kicky, kicky, kicky foot across 6th street. And I'm like, hey, what are you doing? Yea. Your fucking legs work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't get a chair. You're not getting a chair. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is pretty exciting. I'm ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The audience is gonna lose their mind, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We finally set it up. We have- What's going on? It's Charles. Charles lined up for a phone call right now to go over his infamous, his infamous call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, uhm, we really enjoy you. We love you, Charles. Your positive energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. You're a positive guy. I think even the first time I saw it, we pointed out that I think you're a nice guy, a good guy, and that this was just one of those, you know, hilarious, uhm, organic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So tell us the full story. So you're on match, you're obviously communicating with someone, and then what is, like what's the story behind the video being made and sent?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they worked! Okay, is there something, let me ask, let me ask you this. Is there a difference when you analyze yourself between the one that we've played and people talk about and the ones that worked? Do you see a difference between them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, how, how, how do you, the ones that work, are they, do you kind of, is it, you know, do you script them, uh, they're much shorter, like how do they normally work when they have actually worked out for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did also adlib that you got, uh, a latte. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So did the, did the woman that you sent the infamous video to, did she end up ever meeting you at Lily's in Union Square around, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, we are, we are, we are petitioning the world right now. If you have a Charles dating video, please send it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what about like, so if somebody wants to date you now, like let's say a woman out there is interested, what's the best way that she should reach out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's, first of all, can we talk about, are you cool with your Instagram page being promoted right now? Can we talk about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do this. What is, uh, go ahead and tell us and then spell your Instagram handle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Botston? Botinston. Botinston. Okay, sorry. Uh, at Botinston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I'm sure your sister could give you a couple spots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, we're gonna, yeaah, we'll change that if you move out here. Uhm. Yeaah. Well look, have you seen the videos that people are making? Have you seen any of those yet? When they're doing their Charles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well we'll send you a link, we'll send you a link because we have your info and we'll send you a link so you can see that people are doing their versions of your videos. Can you give us, before we leave, can you give us like a real enthusiastic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome, man. And we are really looking forward to the new Charles videos we're gonna get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, stay in touch, we'll talk to you soon, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, oh no, he has a really good attitude. He has a really good attitude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you the other thing that's kind of, uhm, I think part of that, that is almost like a life lesson, is when something's embarrassing and you just say it's embarrassing and you just discuss it honestly and organically, everything just kind of, right? Like it feels, it just normalizes it totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you embraced it instead of being like, you know, he could have, he could have played it 10 different ways of like, you know, you guys are just, you're not seeing what I was trying to do. Like, you know, and, and you just kind of live in the denial of it. And he was just like, yeah, it was terrible. It was hilarious, man. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to court a lady and you just go, I got a lot going on, I'm busy, I'm making stuff. I don't, you know, I don't really have time, but I'll see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so one of the things, I don't know if you, uh, so I first noticed this a few weeks ago when we first had the guy, remember the guy who did the video, uhm, where he was like, women should fucking clean everything? Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I- Of course. I went that day to the comments just to see like what the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top comments were, and uhm, and they were, it was so fucking funny, some of the things that people were writing, that I talked to Blue Band, and he started to pull, uhm, some of the best,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, should we, should I go to, uhm, what, the most recent one, 538, that one, or just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the racist parrot alternate. I like how Tom just paid his mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, oh yea, the tattoo, he should get baby raper tattooed on his forehead. That's a really good idea. But it doesn't have that Tate thing. Oh shit, that original one? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember what it was? Yes. So what it was is that Cobra Tate said, you know, if you just clean the place, it's an exchange because we'll go out to dinner and he goes, we'll go out to dinner and my card never gets declined. And then somebody in the comments wrote, yeah, it's called overdraft protection, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just sign up for it and then it'll just take it from your savings account later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is uh, what is this, more? So when's the baby raper fanny pack merch coming out? Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, to cho-mo's and like, uh, just anyone who steps out of line is like, you're gonna get that stamp on your fucking forehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's one. I didn't know about this. Second time they mentioned you, season two, without mentioning Chris DeLeo. Hashtag DeLeoGay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dedicated to, what does it, what does that say? Sons, Sebastian, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me go back to these comments. Anyways, I didn't see Delia in that show. Did you like your life Christine? How dare you suggest Tim partake in any women duties ever, stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your partner finds it nice when you find a new girlfriend, you might be a TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course that was the lady who was so excited about the NRE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why doesn't Christine just pay someone to outsource eating Tommy's scrum? Agreed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually, that was brought up at a dinner one time, at a big group dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we had a big group dinner and we asked everybody, do you eat your spouse's scrum? All the women were like, no. And one of them was like, I'll bring someone in to do that if that's what he wants. And I was like, bring someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for scrum eating. Just for scrum eating. Just the scrum eating. And I'll even make it. Let me think about it. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, that's what I'm saying because there's a lot of stuff that could happen bad if you don't take care of it. Let's ask Dr. Drew. Yep, good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine has advanced memory and extremely high capacity for remembering memes. Pouncy twins be gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple other ones. There's a huge bad tooth shaped hole in our community's heart. Oh, isn't that the truth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh. Christina, Tom, you're a psychopath. Also Christina, you know what food I hate? Chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was so great. Conald, aka Fedsmoker. How'd you get into heaven there, fuckface? St. Peter, not by talking like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Cody Freeman, alright. Never seen anyone snap himself out of his truck before. Keep on trucking, Larry, you legend. And finally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rapaport is so close to evolving into a nomsayin type of guy. Would love to see it. Funny that you say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because a lot of people were tickled by some of the idiosyncrasies that the great Michael Rappaport has. Uh, one of them is his you knows, um, his quirks. His laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, if you, uh, if you remember, if you go to last week's episode, there was a point where I was talking about how great the episode of Louie was. Yea, I remember. And he was like, you can't find it, it's like black market or whatever, because all of Louie's shit got taken away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I didn't look for it but somebody just sent me one of the scenes from that episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is so, I mean, I, I remember that it was good, but I didn't remember specifics. And I watched this scene. It's like, it's Michael and Louie walking down the street and it's basically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of those things, Louie was so good at this, and probably still is, articulating things that are familiar, that you've never heard said before. Like the way he would do it in a stand up, and he did it in the show, it's like, it's such a brilliant scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, you're like, you're fucking, you're hurting me. He's like, I didn't hurt you. And he's like, you know, you don't get to tell me that that didn't hurt. And it's like, everyone knows those situations, but you really don't see it, uh, you know, portrayed television and movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uh, Enny, the great Enny, threw together this supercut from the, uh, from the Rapaport episode. It's, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know how crazy it was making me when he kept taking his headphones off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am very aware. You were? Yeah. I mean, I was fucking losing my mind. When you took him off, I was like, inside, I was like, God damn it. Every time I was like, yeah, could you do that? Could you put him on again? Cause also I would cue something up. I'd be like, are this watches? He'd be like, okay. I go, well, you have to hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by HIMMS. You've heard us talking about HIMMS, how they're helping guys look their best. If you haven't yet, it's time to see what they're all about. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. Oh, what a cool group to be a part of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you've noticed any hair like you see on the top of my head, it can be too late. Is that hairline slowly moving backward? Any bald spots?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta do something. Be proactive to prevent more hair loss. Go to 4himms.com, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. It's time to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hims is helping guys be the best version of themselves. There are no snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements. These are prescription solutions backed by science.


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[Assistant] Our listeners can get started with their first month free. Go to 4hims.com slash mom. That's 4hims.com slash mom. Prescription requires an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Offer valid only if prescribed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three month minimum subscription, additional restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's 4HIMS.com slash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom. So anyways, people keep making memes, like, uh, photoshops and songs honoring Fedsmoker. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tony, aka Fart Simpson, who has done so many songs and prank calls, he sent, uhm, this song that he made, uh, for Fedsmoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fartsimpson.bandcamp.com Great work. I mean, he's got great calls. He's got original songs. It's really fun stuff, man. Uhm, this'll probably, uh, blow your tits off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're convinced that there was no way we were going to see any more piss spots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to make it clear to people, when the last time we were examining, uh, piss spots, we learned that two had been uploaded and then he didn't post in eight months. So we made the assumption that, uhm, that he was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On an iron vacation, perhaps mandatory, mandated by the state, if you will. And then we got the gift of an all new episode of Piss Spots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right away, I'm going to tell you that Pisspot is taking a whole new direction in episode 3 because we're not in a vehicle. And I think it's probably better for him, but, you know, doing it in his room, I mean, is that a pisspot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The premise of the show was set up in episodes 1 and 2 where he's like, I'm gonna write, I'm at the seawall, I'm at the corner of this thing on a highway, these are his spots, so that you, as the viewer, can access them and I'll rank them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was like those curtain flaps at first, you know? He's got some trash on his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually pretty important, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm thinking. He's saying like, hey, what are you, a fucking idiot? Right. Uh, that's how a stupid person thinks. Right. Because you're not fucking the hole, you're just peeing in it. So use, you know, he's like just, all you gotta do is aim. So he's, you know what I mean? He's attacking the logic of, it's gotta,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like you gave Joey something to counter with. Yeah. We'll see. We'll see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's making me feel like I'm home. You are home. I'm nostalgic for where I lived. You live there. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's really anti-toilet. I think if you were to propose that, he might fuckin' just smash his head against the wall. He's like, BITCH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't go over there. That ruins Piss Box. You're here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot more, yeaah. Like I said though, the whole thing about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's our ranking system? I mean, you go to episode one and two, I remember one of those places had a five out of ten, it was one ranking. Five out of ten piss bottles I give to this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the next episode he had like a 5 out of 5. I'm like, what happened to the 10? Now we're 4 out of 5 on this, 8 out of 10 on that. There needs to be, the whole commission's gonna come down on you, you know, if you don't have an agreed upon ranking system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this feels to me like, like honestly like shady boxing judges, you know, and then they, this guy's scorecard was like, are you even watching the fight? Like this whole thing, that's the part you need to revisit, Joey. The whole concept is brilliant. His spots is going to be a hit, but we need to get the ranking system clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of makes you wish that some people would get their shot on network TV. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The concept of that show, the premise is that somebody starts dating somebody in prison, and then when the person gets released from prison, there's a new reality, right? And the cameras follow them around, and you get to see like, oh this is way different than the previous arrangement, where I didn't have to deal with you in person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was super, super depressing. I was bummed out. I'll tell you. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, when you like step back and you look at those two things. I'm using towels now and I'm gonna see doctors now when I'm sick. Do you feel like that you have been in like an R worded kind of trap? Which word is that, Tom? Do you feel like you're?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw this, they're really amazing. Physicals are great. Everybody should get physicals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you need to do the yearly checkup. Uhm, so I saw this in passing, uhm, on Twitter over the weekend. I'm so glad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We caught your attention as well, uhm, because this, this is what America is about. Ingenuity, rewarding people that take risks and do things, you know what I mean? Uhm, this is what, we live in an entrepreneurial society and, uh, you just gotta go for it if you want something to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I get it though. Why? Because from just having shot like sketches and stuff, you don't really want to deal with the hassle of somebody being like, the thing got delayed, you know where I should stay, is it better to come at this time? What's the high, should I rent a car? Travel, yea. The whole travel thing. Gotcha. So she's like, be local, come over here, pump me. It's so crazy. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, yeah, yeah, I saw that where she was like, uh, it got retweeted like one of them like 40,000 times. This? No, a different one, where she was like, if you're looking to volunteer to fuck me, you know, I was like, what? Jesus. Uh, but yeah, she seems like a really nice lady. Let me see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, no, you're signing up to see it and paying. She'll, yea, I think if you, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not getting paid to fuck her, okay? But she's getting paid to show it. Gotcha. So is that a different one there or is that the same one? It's a nice house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, one of them had thousands and thousands of tweets, uh, retweets and yeah, that's not it. I think it might've been the one where she was first announcing it. It was, it had substantial retweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could that be it? That might be it. Let's see that one. Woah. Let's see that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, so Potter, it's a, how does it, is it a monthly fee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in the uh, in the one video that we first played, she goes, I now I have a thousand, so she could be making like some real scratch right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotchu. Okay, but even if it were that, that's at least an extra four grand now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, there's no way she doesn't have, she's a pro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it unleashes like this animal in you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that real unprofessional, like unsavviness to what we're seeing is what is attracting the, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amateurs. Well it's amateur, but it's like, it's not just that she's an amateur, it's like she's authentically not savvy at the social media, at probably at making porn, and I think people are fascinated by that aspect of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you talk to her and we did like, like some real promos for your porn on here, I bet you gotta clean up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna be like, ooh, that shoulder hair turns me on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Joshua, where can people see you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, great. Uh, Jean, you'll really like this. This is, uh, from Tori. I don't know if you can, uh, see exactly what's going on here, but. Tori.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, travel dumps will do it, hemorrhoids will do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really spicy food will do it. Yea, that's, that's pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've been, no, I've been pretty sugar free. We went out to dinner with friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man. And then insisted on dessert. And I was like, alright, alright. And then I, I took, I don't know, too many bites. And then immediately, like I had been away from it for a while, oh man, pains. I was like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it can be just that, like a few bites of something with an ingredient that makes you, made me feel terrible. Made me feel terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it didn't go quite like this. I've had, I've had that many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is uhm, I didn't know this, there's a Charo song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle C is of course famous for the song, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so that's those frickin' needles, you know? Yeah. That's the guy. Kyle C. And, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you take a stab at it, please, uh, when you email us at yourmomspodcasts at gmail and the subject line put Charo Fart Kyle C Remix so we know what we're listening to and looking for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty great. Uhm, Jean, where are you gonna be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that your LOL? LOL. Good job. Uhm, I will be in Las Vegas March 6th and 7th at the Mirage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in Las Vegas, Terry Fator Theater. Then I will be in, let's see, I will be in, uh, yes, Hera's Resort in Valley Center, California, April 18th. Uhm, I have some Spanish shows in Tejas, Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio in April. Back to The Mirage, May 29th and 30th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I go to West Palm Beach at the improv June 5th and 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Miami on the 7th and then I'm back at the Marais July 17th and 18th. Uhm, just added Atlantic City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is August 5th at the Borgata.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, tickets are at pomciguro.com slash tour. Uhm, before we break, uh, here's that one, uh, fed smoker tribute that came in from Rainbow by Rainbow VHS. Check this one out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love this thing. The best fitness tracker out there collects physiological data 24 7 to provide the most accurate actionable understanding of your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Measures things like heart rate, resting heart rate, uhm, excuse me, resting heart rate, heart rate variability, sleep, recovery and strain, a mountain of data is collected by whoop and then your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Analyzing your own data, like you're a stock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're a fortune 500 company, which you are, and you need to understand how that division of the company is doing poorly and how this one is doing great. And then you can fire that guy, which is like your sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I do. I absolutely love it. It's fascinating to me to see how your body responds to all these different things. You know, did you travel that day? Were you drinking that night? How everything works? Whoop works with the best from the NFL to CrossFit, Navy SEALs, but the insights apply to all of us. See.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How your body responds to stress is good and bad and then adjust to make tomorrow better than yesterday. Think about the difference it will make knowing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not only how your body feels every day, but why it feels that way. All that data, man. It's fascinating. Go to whoop.com right now. Use the code your mom at checkout for 15% off your membership today. Whoop.com the code is your mom. Y O U R M O M at checkout 15% off your membership today. Thanks whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're rolling, so you have to save your HGH stories for next time. So, I see that your muscles aren't growing. Uhm, it has been way too long, way too long, since an OG guest of ours, the Tony Hinchlip, the Roastmaster,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw Jeff, Jeff did great on that TNT roast the other day. It was like they had one professional. I didn't get to see it, but that's what I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was he roasting? I just saw clips, I saw that, they roasted, he roasted the, um, the, the guys that host the show. Shaq, Ernie Johnson, um, Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. And they had a panel, you know, they did like a mini roast. And, um, I just saw clips, I saw clips and everybody was, what I saw was everybody was like, Jeff. And I was like, yeaah, he's done it a few times. He's a killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just pound, pound, pound. Pound, pound. And you can just let it go wherever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was eating a girl's butt and then he said he tasted something and then he realized it was her turd that came in her mouth. And then he said he put it back in her butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, it's a perfect time to talk about the Manscape Perfect Package 3.0. Yes! You can trim your ball, taint, and asshole hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. No, but he's right. We could make it nice and clean down there for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you say no? It's never normal. What does it sound like? It smells sour. Wait, wait, wait. Now, cause now everyone's gonna accuse you of lying cause you're lying right now. There was nothing, there was no sound today. There was nothing like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how, look, you're, you're fibbing. You're fibbing right now. You didn't hear anything today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking about today, and you're like, you implied that you heard something, but you didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, when you get the regular, I don't know if it's just my doctor, but the regular prostate check now, it's not, and I'm not exaggerating, it is, they don't, you assume like, well, you know that this isn't, I'm not accustomed, so you assume like, he'll be like, I'm gonna be, I don't know, in my mind, I'm gonna be really gentle with how I do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he was like, and then he was like, you know, really digging down in there. He's trying to get you off, bro. This guy's into you. He's a big fan. Well, I was, I mean, I was that hurt, that hurt when he did it. I was sore afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He spits on his bare hand. It is an outrageous amount of loot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, he's like, you're gonna feel something. And then he, he put, I, I had it in my act for a while that, that he, cause he did do this, like, you're, you're in the, you're in the fetal position. Right, you're laying on your side. Is this afterwards?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your knees are up to your chest and, you know, you just, he's like, just a, like a tub of lube. And he goes, you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock. That's my finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was funny, that was legit funny. And I thought like, I don't know for some reason I thought it was going to be like a fingertip. You know, like I didn't, I didn't put together our anatomy and how he would check the prostate. So I just feel the pressure and you're like, ooh, it's there. Thinking like, okay, just count to ten and this will be over. And then he's like, boom, just all the way in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it, you, I mean, I, with every thrust I was like, oh shit, like this, this is rape. Like this felt so, so aggressive. I came, but it was like, it was, it was after. Right. When I was thinking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. Yeah, yeah. Cause he gave me tissues, he's like, wipe yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It turns out he's the doctor's assistant. Oh my god. It's, it is, it's, I'll tell you, if you're not at all prepared or used to, it is, it was semi-traumatic. I don't want it. Yeah, yeah. Cause they check women's... And that's a finger, man. A finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, a scrum is like a melee, like a bunch of people. I did not know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The scrum. You gotta lift the scrum, hoist the scrum. In rugby, the term scrum is what they're basically adapting here, right? Like the group together. Getting the scrum. You guys, when you refer to scrum, that means butthole. Yeah, yeah, that's how we describe the scrum is like, you need to eat my scrum, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about just like, what about just like kind of taking another step in the role play kind of fashion, you know, set up, do something different, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you mess with like uhm, do you ever get like a subscription to any porn service or anything like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An adult performer can create a site page dedicated to like their own content and you pay them directly. It's kind of like, it basically came out of the fact that, you know, tube sites exploded and then they couldn't monetize their things anymore so now they're taking control of their content and then like you can just sign up and, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No. And then you shoot the scene with her, and then she uploads it to her site. And you don't- Oh my goodness. Yeah. When are you playing New Orleans then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's one of the all time great, people who don't know, if you just started listening to this show, one or two or even five years ago, you don't know that one of like the, like I consider,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pinnacle moments was, we had you, you, we talked to you, you told us about your outrageous childhood and upbringing and how your mother, uh, was a bookie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she's in it. Because your monies always do Tuesday. Right. Right? They're trying to get you to bet on Saturday, on Sunday, and then they want you to bet on Monday Night Football. So she goes, we always leave, you know, Mondays are open, you can bet on that game. So all monies do Tuesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I can't pay? I said, well look, I can't pay you. I don't have it right now, but what'll happen is I'll get it to you by Wednesday. And then? And then she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was power. I go, alright, I'm playing the guy and I was like, I go, but I'll get it to you by Wednesday. And it was just silence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She switched, and I remember like even though I was like roleplaying with her and immediately I was like, yep, I'll have it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My assumption about this lady, I know we did some digs, she's 68. I think she probably just like recently retired and was like, you know, it would be nice to have some extra income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know. There's a way we could know if you'd go to New Orleans for us. I'll buy you a plane ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We sure can. Let's do it. Go for it. Go ahead and use the company card for that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shoulders. She seems like a really sweet lady though. Totally. So wait, so, uh, Joy is just chilling in retirement?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever, uhm, I don't know if you're like, if you're being exposed to it young, did you ever gamble afterwards? Like as an adult?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only time I've done it too, man. I grew up like a sports kind of, you know, super fan. I love sports and I never had the bug for it, which I'm thankful for. But I've only bet when I'm in Vegas walking by the sports book and I go like, oh, I guess so. And even that, I'm not good at it. Like I, I'll know everything about the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's amazing, I bet one time on a huge spread, uhm, and you know, it came down to, it was some ridiculous thing, like 30 point, and then the team that was getting their ass kicked


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I lost the bet because of a last minute field goal that had no bearing on the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this time, every time I see him now, another story, another story. This time, and then what happens is like, I think they also, some of it they want to share, some of it helps them get it off their chest. Because they go, I've been holding on to this fucking story. And it makes me feel better to share it with someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, did you check the local governance on this particular thing? We want to make sure it's signed off on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I know that uhm, that Hollywood was considered a, you know, a kind of despicable business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you see movie making and all its glamour everyone wants to get in, but back then it was not desirable. So it was, it was kind of like a, you know, sort of a criminal adjacent element to be involved in film making. Sort of dirty. It was like OnlyFans.com. It was like OnlyFans. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay. There you go. You did it right. We're gonna get you that. So yeah, same thing with banking for sure. Banking was considered like a filthy business to be involved in and they were like, you guys can do it. It's gross. And then banking became profitable and desirable. Everyone's like, Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, we'd like to be involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess you can work, you can make an effort to do that. I think you put the effort into being well known or being not well known. It's kind of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking of a different guy. But he's a Colorado based guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bezos just bought the most expensive residential property ever here in Los Angeles over the weekend. Uh, it was a 165 million dollar house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but what I was thinking about was the, uhm, the guy who owns...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's more about, um, to put in who owns the Broadmoor in, um, it's in Colorado. This guy is like one of the richest guys and he won't do any press. He's done like two interviews and fucking that guy, Philip Anschutz. Yeah. Philip Anschutz. Yeah. So type, put in his name and okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy does fucking, like he won't do, if you ask him a question, he'd sound like a few interviews and if you go like, you know, what about, what made you buy, start this business? He'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He owns, he, he got oil, railroads, telecom, real estate, he owns the, he owns the Kings, a third of the Lakers. Damn. He owns the Staples Center. Jesus Christ. Wow. Yeah. And you, do you know his name? Like have you ever heard? Never heard. Like, what's his net worth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this dude goes out of his way to not be, kind of, basically not be talked about. Smart. So it's kind of, that's his net worth from 2015, probably. That guy uses Skittles as sunglass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously? Do you know that Kobe died? Yeaah. Okay. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's, that's Fetsmoker, the one asking the question. Uhm, I mean, I'm trying to give you a little, here's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he does. He has great energy, great vibes, all around. Uhm. Star quality, I think you mean, Tony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it came as a huge surprise. I mean, we were just kind of getting into some of his classic vids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so, from, what was it, 435? Damn, that's a while ago. We actually played this lady, we call, we used to call her the, consider her the female fed smoker, right? This is the first time we played her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I love that with the truck driver, she's like, you better get your rear end in line. And now she's like, I'm helping you, you motherfucker, dumb son of a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not drugs. Could it be drugs exacerbated by existing mental illness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you have like your shit kinda together, you're like, why would I walk into a store? I'll just press this on my phone and everything will come here. So you gotta be like, now it's indicative that you really are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're patient... Now the bottom feeders are in the store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just got done watching like Dolomite. Put a little mustard on this when I say motherfuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think they know, I think they know when somebody else has Down syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of repenting. Uhm, yo, before we go, uhm, one of your past Killtony comics murdered somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your best friend who was on Killtony one time. Yeaah. No, so a guy, cause for people that don't know, let's just set this up correctly. Killtony, very popular podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do it at the comedy store and what ends up happening is- And we travel with it. And you travel with it and it does very well there, but, uh, and you release it as a podcast, um, and on YouTube. When you, when you go to the live show, what happens is, uh, Tony,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fun, really fun show, but in that minute anything can happen. People bomb, people kill, people do so-so, but just to like set up what the show is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, a guy who was one of those people once got his name called and performed on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So, over the weekend, he allegedly murdered his girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend, yea. Drew Carey's ex. Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a sex therapist. Yeaah. With like a following, and uhm. Geez. Yeaah, I mean it was, uh, it was on the news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the, uh, actual, there's a, there's a feed of, uhm, like a video below.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess click on the one. Any of the ones with her picture. Click on that and see if it goes to the video. Oh, is this it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got em. $2,000,000 bond. Yeah, scroll to like the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Uh, Tony, where, there's Kill Tony every week. Where can people see you live right now? Where are you gonna be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm allowed to drop some hard K's, you know? Oh, right. Some hard J's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's gonna be in closed captioning. So if you wanna see, if you're watching on YouTube right now, just, uh, to the bottom, uh, right corner of your screen, you'll see a CC button. Hit that, hit English, and then you'll have English subtitles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To turn it on, cause I saw that some native Spanish speakers were complaining like, hey, this shit's just for us, so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do eat everything. You guys ready to get going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no nothing on. And his parents still ain't showed up yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he even doing? Look at you, white folk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I sip on my Persian tea, I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. 50 years old. What a huge milestone. Congratulations. I hope you celebrate it in good health and happiness. But your wifey tells me like the fart a lot. Look man, I like a good fart here and there too, but tone it down a bit. Anyways, man. Cheers. Again, happy birthday.