[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think it binds to no. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I hung it up. Yea, suck. It's special because of that though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have any like, none of the things that like apply to if life were, like if it's important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All my things are not important. I don't have any important skillsets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sometimes there's moments where you feel like insecure about it. Sure. And then you go, what? You know what? I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I really actually feel like the world will end before it's like important. So I don't really care that I don't have that many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Having to piss. I pissed with the boys in the car. I did. I took them to a museum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took him to a museum, like a month ago. And we were in a parking garage and I was like, fuck, I don't have to go back. You know, when you get a man, you're like, let's go. And then they're like, ah, I was like, I have to piss. So I just grabbed some bottle that was there and they were like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm reading. And they were like, what? And I goes, this fucking look at something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, boys we piss in woods and streams, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you gotta be, you gotta think about lighting, area, cruise around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she is very pretty on the left and they kind of look like a Victoria's Secret model on the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Francesca just kinda maybe is, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're asking, those are different questions. I think dressing up is probably a lot of fun. I think a lot of people probably just get a thrill out of that. Like the wigs, the makeup, the clothes, like all that could be fun. The concept of what it means to be drag maybe isn't not, you know, fully grasped by everybody participating. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they're like, I just love to dress up like this. Which is also fine, right? I mean, if somebody likes to do it, they like to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, cosplay, whatever they can, you can get in, wear whatever, you know. If it's fun, seems like they're having fun. Except for Francesca, didn't seem too fucking into it. He's not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Alright. They all look great though. I mean, I have to say that. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. He didn't know what I was playing. That was fantastic. He really didn't know what was going on. Uhm, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with a guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I fucking saw all these tweets, I'm like, am I, does everybody hate me right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And none of them, none of the people who I feel like were writing to me were people who even knew who I was to begin with. You know what I mean? Wasn't like people who were like, I believed in you and you disappointed me when you called her a ball headed bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody asked me if I regretted calling her a bitch because I said a bald headed bitch and I said I do because she's a hoe. She's a bald headed hoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Which is, uh, megalomania basically, you know. The fucking, uh, the, the word that, that clip you sent me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, where they're also on that show and they're talking about her 40th. That is heartbreaking. You know what clip I'm talking about? That's heartbreaking. Where it's like, he goes, I tried to like, from when your mom turned 37.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started planning her 40th birthday and it was like this bash and like Mary J. Blige perform and it was just this, and he goes at the end, I just went up to her and I was like, what are you thinking? She was like, this is, was the most grotesque display of your ego. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear I would have, I swear I would have drove her off a cliff. I mean, that's a shitty thing for someone to say. You know, like to anybody, like, you're like, even if my ego is involved in planning your birthday party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to teach you how to give gifts. I'm still the worst gift giver in the world. Oh my gosh. You would give me like a sweatshirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, this is all true. Uhm. What about a zoom call?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good question. Here, let me play it from the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, are they making fun? No, this is drag syndrome. So this is uhm, these are, uh. Drag syndrome is the name of the show. Well, it's what they're calling kind of this, uh, group. Uhm, so it's, uh, uh, uh, four or five individuals with Down syndrome who dress in drag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were pointing out that at the end of this video, like in this particular video, most of them were very enthusiastic, but Francesco didn't really seem like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like she's upset that everybody else is like, this was mine, this was mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have downs and we like drag. Drag syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, I definitely do remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, well that, no, it wasn't the very, actually you know the first time where actually, so I did a Comedy Central Presents, and it wasn't the same level of, but I did a Comedy Central Presents, where I was on the first episode of the season, the season premiered in January, right, we shot them in October,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was once, uh, there was a special on before mine and then I was the next, so the same night were two back-to-back knew how many central presents and to promote the season to like, to be like, we have new half hour specials coming out. They used a bit that they didn't put in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the context of the bit and it was like loaded with jokes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, so anyway, you know, it was one of those bits that like I had been running for a few years because I hadn't shot something and it was like, it hit hard. They put it on. They're like, we got new presents and it's on all these websites, like promoting the new season and dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the first, uh, Huffington Post. It was on their homepage. And the comments were like, all like this guy's, this is violence. And I mean, it was like hundreds and I was, I remember seeing it and never having experienced blowback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of a, of a bit yet, you know, not like at that level. And that was like, that was the first taste of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember a guy that, there was a shop, cause we were living in Silver Lake, and this guy was like, you should come over to whatever, whatever on Hyperion, and I wrote back to him, I go, I live on Hyperion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, where would they get together for you to, like, you would, it would be one person. Like this, the social media allows it to all seem like it's together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that is, this is a conversation we had so much during my, um, like controversy or whatever in 2018, which was that, you know, they actually re- they recorded a person with downs


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting a message out to me, right? And I was like, did this person, uhm, were they scrolling Netflix? I'm like, I'm gonna watch it. Or did you, not only that, and then go like here, stand here and say this. Cause I don't think the person with Downs was like, I watched this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Felt this way and then put this together. You're, you're making somebody feel worse by showing them the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then being like, now record this video and tell them, tell them how hurtful he is. Like that shit is not happening the way they're letting you think it happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No energy to that read. Everybody performs well. So you did get some blow back though. For people who haven't seen, uh, Brian's, uh, special on Netflix right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a funny thing to say and also people, some people won't admit that one of the best words in the whole English language is retarded. It is, it is like a really, it's a fantastic word and not everybody uses it. Uh, I would say a lot of people don't use it in a malicious way. It's, it's, it's the marrying of the two that makes, that makes it like inflated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's Brian? He's fuckin' retarded. He never shows up on time. You know, like that. He's got a misdiagnosis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so looking at historical perspective, speech reading is the newer term now in the USA and Canada for what we formerly called lip reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know how to read the next queue, so he laughs in the weirdest way. She's like, be a part of this. He's like, and then he turns the camera and it makes no sense. Global relief plan mankind has ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand up for Ukraine. It's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Maybe legally. Yeaah, cause we did that. But she's a performer too, you know. Oh, she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He has an exclusive with Amazon Music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll do all his weird tricks. Like yeaah, stand up for me, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, these are all like, people we've highlighted over the years, like cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's not okay, man. He's been hiding it this whole time. Yeah, gaunt and it looks like he looks like he has like some weird shit on his skin. Yeah, some would say meth related is a guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but she, there must have been a big fight for that to be the next thing you say, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if he knows how famous he is. He's contacted me. Oh really? Yea, he asked me for money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, a kid throwing a bag of piss and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, I mean, who was I watching? Was it, was it Vlad TV? And he was talking about, he was interviewing somebody, these two guys that were in Cook County. I think they're rappers and they're like, when you get in Cook County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this was it right here. Knocked out and then fucking raped. It was wild, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rico and Reckless and Ewol Samo. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's entertaining. Yeah, it's very entertaining. Um, what was your, uh, oh, this was the thing we wanted to ask you. So you always give great advice. So we, uh, last time we had you, we asked people advice and we figured we could ask you a couple more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this one says, my parents got divorced back in 2015 because I guess my dad was being an unfaithful butthole. Now my dad lives in Florida with his new hoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, we have two young kids and he has yet to see my youngest who will turn two in July. He blames it on not being able to travel during the pandemic and money issues. I'm not sure what to do from here. Obviously, he doesn't care enough to come see his new grandkids. Should that piss me off to where I don't want to travel to see him or am I overreacting? Great. You're being a spoiled brat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm just, I'm pissed at that person. It doesn't really get you anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to hear you on this one. This one says, that's right, maybe your mom's a cunt. It says I need a real answer. I know you guys won't bullshit me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a 39 year old woman in the Midwest. The last time I was in a relationship was over 10 years ago. After the last ex and I split, I focused on my career, moved around a lot of it, never made dating a priority. That break from dating inadvertently turned into a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm realizing I fucked up and missed a huge window of opportunity. My married bombshell blonde friends tell me to just get on the apps and meet someone but my fat face gets zero hits or replies. I've tried joining clubs, doing activities where I can meet someone with the same interests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the guys are either married or just not interested. Am I doomed to be single until I lose the weight? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has some habits that are around that. Right. Because the thing that happens is I think what people do is she, let's say she goes and loses 50 pounds, right? And she starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's like, I think that the, the, this woman, it's like, it's not just, I mean, it can be as simple as like, look, you just need to lose weight, but it's more really about examining why, you know, it's not easy to gain 90 pounds. It really isn't like you, you really have to like, you have to have, uh, uh, something that's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're good man. That's why we ask. We ask you because you straight up, you don't have, you don't sugar coat any of it. That's like what people ultimately need is they need someone to not be too nice about it and be honest about it. Like somebody, especially like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Entertainment wise, I'm highly entertained, highly entertained. The second part of it is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heaven is te- like, someone's being like, I'm a ten. He's like, excuse me? Excuse me, right. Yeah, and, and here's the truth. Most of us, right, if somebody goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a 10. You know what we're programmed to do? Good for you. You are a 10. And you know what? You deserve it. Like that's, that's what most people have been conditioned to do. Anybody says like, I'm the best. You go, that's how you should think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you realize that that's from hearing other people be basically polite to one another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That your brain goes like, yeah, yeah, yeah, mislead that person into thinking that way. And he's somebody who's just going like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no you're not. Right. And what are you bringing to the table exactly? You're what? You have three kids and you look like this? Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was right a lot. She was right a lot. And then she would tell, but the other side of it that we're leaving out is that she would also tell dudes. Like she would be like, she'd be like, your fucking clothes is wack as fuck. Your hair sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was on Bravo. The early seasons were the best. It was like more, like, you know, she didn't have the fame yet, but she had like this kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, following this lady, this lady, she would be cold, man. But it was, it was fantastic. And she would tell people, she would tell these women, she was like, man, you're, and guys like your pickers off, like you don't know how to pick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever is going on inside of you is all fucked up. You keep picking. You know what's so funny is there's not a single pretty picture of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The clips are great. That right there is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. I think that's where- I think you, you nailed it. I think it- your, your whole life, especially, especially as men, you have to be more polite. Right. And, and you know, you, you always, you're kind of conditioned to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the fascination with this. Is that there's a guy being like, you ain't shit. Yea, it's like insult porn. Yea, it kind of is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super disrespectful and, and you are shunned if you're a man and you're seen as being anything but kind of, like if you're straightforward with a woman, like not this poor girl who seems like a lovely girl, but I'm just saying, let's say the imaginary woman who walks up and, you know, you're, you're, you're basically taught to go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look, you're gorgeous. You're beautiful and like if somebody's like, what do you, you're not taught to be like, like you are with your friends, like bro, you can't wear that shit. By the way, you've been eating too much, man. You need to start hitting. Like that's how guys talk to each other. You say that to a woman and you're, you're called a fucking pig and an ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do think that you don't hear that type of thing, just because it's basically considered super rude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, you know, I think this is, this is one of the reasons that I don't think I thrived in dating. I remember a couple like saucy, you know, like sassy broads that I met and said some rude shit. And I was like, I'll knock your fucking teeth out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean, the bet you lost? Oh, I bought her a car. Oh, okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like a week or two, I dunno, like a last week, she goes, Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first she called me and she goes, you didn't ask me how I like my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually what that is code for in my mother's world is let me be effusive with my thankfulness to you. So then you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you like the thing I got you? And she goes, it's amazing and I love it and you're the best. So it's like setting you up to hear compliments. So you have to ask for the thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So it's like, it's a, that is it's Latin. It's super fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she asks me that and she goes, you didn't tell me how, how do I like my car? So I'm in New York and I go, how do you like your car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, but there is no power. And I'm like, excuse me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, excuse me, what? I'm like, first of all, I've been in the car with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucking, you make the mailman look like F1. Like what are you talking about? You drive so goddamn slow. There's no power. She goes, yeah. I go, well, why don't you just change the mode? Just put to change it to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Power mode. And she goes, there is no, I go, yes, there is. I've never even been in that car and I know there is. So I FaceTime her and like, just show me the fucking ceiling. And I'm like, put it down there. And I finally show her and she goes, this is a sport. And I go, yeah, that's the fucking power mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first I was on her side. So then, I'm like, alright, so now she's like, it's got power. The next day, she goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm going to have to change my SUV for the small one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too high to get in and out of very hard for me. First, I'm going to check if they can add, and I quote, a climbing device.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if not, I will pay for whatever they charge for the change. Oh yea, to swap out SUVs. You'll pay for the change. You're not gonna pay for it. And then she writes, I hope is okay with you. I didn't even know they have a smaller one. Which is not true. Not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I don't respond because I'm not going to engage this behavior. And then she writes, at least please make a comment. So I wrote, sure, okay. Meaning like, I'm not going to fucking get involved in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so anyway, that's, that's the late. I, I haven't even talked about it cause it just, you know, makes me crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like, like, first of all, I made her. Cause at first she was like, just send me a card. I go, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, go to dealerships, you must test drive them. I made her test because I, I've seen it before. Right. I know how it goes. I'm like, you got to sit in these, you got to drive them. And she switched her mind fucking six times. Like I knew she would. And then until she was like, this is the one, this is the one. I don't want the smaller one. I want this one. Now it's, I didn't know there was a smaller one, which is just complete bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not used? It's insane. It's totally insane. It's crazy. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite, my favorite thing is when she sees a more economical car. Especially if like, like if you pulled up and you had like a Corolla, it doesn't matter the year or anything. My mom would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this car. I like it. It's nice. I'm like, yeah. And you'd be like, oh, thanks. What is this? And you go, this is a Corolla. I, this is very cool. I go, do you want me to get you one? And she'd be like, no, I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mercedes. Oh, cause you were really talking about that Corolla. I can hook you up if you want it. And she's like, no, no, I like Lexus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. But she'll pretend that the more modest car is exciting to her. Like it's a whole theatrical thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, dude. Yeah. Now listen. Your mom is from where? Peru. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's a whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oof. Wait a minute, what? I missed that. Oh yeah. So, it looks like that- Is that an accident? Yeah, it's an accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it looks like that thing is swinging dirt around and then the dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit him at so much of it at such a rate of speed that it actually threw him. Right? Like that's going fast. Oh my god. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That fucking threw that guy. Like, that's a really good one. I like it. Why are you standing right there though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that, that guy deserves a bit of a check right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'll forget sometimes, like people will be like, what's that from? He'll be like, you know, oh yeah. It was from me being stupid. Me being your fucking ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Francesco. Uh, alright, Jean, for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this? My sorbet. This is, uh, Christina's contribution. The, uh, ever popular TikTok segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, uh, Brian's touring a bunch, so uhm, this is out, uh, 5-11. I know you're on the road. Where can people get tickets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're one of my favorite comedians to watch and, and I, I mean, I could not endorse your show more. It's awesome. You're just going to keep getting bigger and bigger and your, your standup is amazing. Thanks, McDowell. I appreciate you. Absolutely. Um, all right, here's, uh, Gene, some of yours. Ready? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like all of us as men would be like, yo man, your whole fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can keep putting this shit out, but you're never gonna come up with what you want. Your shit's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was like his lady or his mom? No his lady, his lady. Yea, but like he would be like, let me get like 15 eggs. And she's like, I have to feed him or he gets mad. And she would just make him whatever he wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He was a normal guy and he still got married. Looks like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, somebody that like helps, you know, I want to take care of them. I'm going to take care of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was not a thousand, but he got, I have a couple times that he got over 600.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I can tell you something, you don't even have to tell me, I know this is Mexico, and this is what they are doing right. They don't, they are not buying into any of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely Italian. They look like fall documents. And there's a real, there's a real crowd here for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of her approval her whole life has been for her tits, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This type, by the way, I don't know about you, but like in real life, when you encounter someone like this, I shut down so hard as far as like the part of your brain that, uhm, like acknowledges sexuality, completely shuts down. I go, I give you none of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I just go. And are they trying to say it like, like, uh, like lyrics in a song or are they like, you know, I was over? No. Conversation. Conversationally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kind of applies the same to like male, like the male hose too, right? Like the same inability to bond. If like you fuck a hundred chicks over the course of a couple years, you're just going to be like, I need different all the time. I can't bond. You just see body parts as different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So good luck never bonding with your new hoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking says, properly stored, unopened and canned chicken will generally stay best quality for about three to five years. Oh, what? Although you remain safe. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think he just wanted to make a video and sound like he knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does these things about like, if someone has a gun to you, he's like, grab it like this and turn their hand. And like everybody who knows like tactical things and martial arts and self-defense, they're like, do not do anything this guy says. Like there's like parodies of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. This dude's hilarious though. He, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have never seen Tom? Oh, somebody issued him. Yeah, he does all these things with guns where he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody comes at you with a gun, grab it like that. Yeah, you can clay one of them. Um, sure. See it hit that just to hit the volume down for a second. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, have you seen all the things where they, uh, they show him training and then they show somebody doing it and then they move and they're in heaven? Yeah, it's fantastic. They're like, wait, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, you didn't do your training. It's like, no, your tactics don't work. Oh, this is funny. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, we gotta wrap up. Uh, Brian, it's always good to see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you just watched a full episode of Your Mom's Out. I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck. And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is the type of guy you get. I'm a very handy guy, and uh, I'd love to build you whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week's cap is, uh, none other than PMS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably like, probably like 5k. Yeah, that's for like 5,000. I'd do it for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm, that's tough, cause 5,000 doesn't mean to you what it means to me, so, that's a little tough. Yea, but you have a job!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it was five grand free, like, I'm not betting it, then yea, if it was, we're betting, it wouldn't, I'd need to bet with someone that is kind of, you know, relative to my, like our bankrolls kind of, our finances kind of match. Why is that important? Because I needed to hurt. What if you had to put on- Oh, you needed to hurt them? I needed to hurt one of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, dude. I mean, that's ti- I still don't even think 10,000 to use, 5,000 to use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm cool being broke though, being broke's cool man, I'm fine. I still pay my bills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, aw man, I'm painin' to get healthy. Yo, uhm, uh, fuckin', uh, fine, yeaah. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, okay, what the fuck? Damn, first of all, why? You don't wanna do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't need me. You don't need me to be on your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold up. There's something that I feel like we're forgetting here. Didn't you offer like a million for like a certain amount of weight loss? And that, that did not, right? That ended up being a wash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, but all I'm saying is, you're saying that as long as it's over 20k or whatever, that he's just gonna get, you know, you're gonna get into it, you have five months, of course you're gonna work for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were five. Well no, this is the perfect time for me to be unhealthy, so I would have to go and do just a stint of just straight up garbage for like a month, and then the next four or three or however much I have left, then I would get healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But two weeks from now? But you think I could even go under the 420 or whatever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, so, so 350 and then, and then again, so what is the money that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I mean, if no one wants to take the action, I mean, yeah. So if you want to do it- Will you do a bet in two weeks? If you want to do it in two weeks, I'll put up 10k to your 5k that you can't run a marathon. I- I only don't want to do two weeks because I- I need-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But wait, you're, hold on though, wait, hold on, now I'm kinda on their side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The average time is wild if you have fuckin' his trainers. Five months? Come on man, if I had that trainer I'd be fuckin' top ten percent. You kiddin' me? You could do that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait a minute, I just realized though, he said yes, but what is the money situation or is there no money in this anymore? He's just doing that. And that's just the offer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't think that's fair. Five months, but you just keep chillin' sludge life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something we just realized in the booth by the way too. So, what happens if he doesn't make the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you need a new mattress? Go to sotva.com slash the shit now for $200 off the next purchase of your sotva mattress. It's the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they're there for, come come in your nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it's French-Canadian, so it must be the mixture of the things the Canadians love and the French as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit is so good. Dude, that shit's the best, dude, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I do love is a truffle fry as well. You offer me that and then it's game over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's so, it literally is the temporary insanity. At least for me, I feel like I'm possessed by the devil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should be allowed to hurt, and then you can get the period defense. Yana!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on the rag. And then you get off of it. Yeah. Alright. I'm back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like in that, in that time, you should, you should be allowed to have your man period and hit her back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it's a crazy thing. You're within your rights. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk a little bit, cause I feel like I hear you louder than I hear my own voice. Like when you talk it's louder, and when I talk it's not as loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait no, but seriously, like how, and be honest with me, like how often do I anger you to the point where you're like, I could fucking hit this woman right now. Not often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you would have done it. Just throw me off of something high or did you want to actually like break my neck or punch me in the stomach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying which one excites you the most. Uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me, like so, cause I've thought about how I would kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, cause I can't, I'm not physically stronger than you. I have to be sneakier than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or I could hire somebody, but that's too traceable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seven? Seven over seventeen years isn't terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much the average once every two or three years you want to kill me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I'm still so excited about my trip there. I saw Agent Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love the lunacy of that city. Like I was just walking down the street and this dude was stretching, this black guy was stretching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some fucking guy stretching, being like, ayy, ba-da-boo. Just a psycho. I loved it. Fun, crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did my show in Brooklyn, uh, thank you to people who came to that, it was amazing. And I stayed in Williamsburg, cause the venue was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've not been to Williamsburg in 20 years, right? I had a friend who lived there 20 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so everybody was like, well this bag is like so cool, it's like so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That to me was cool. I don't give a fuck if there's a Whole Foods or a Gap. And in fact, I was so hostile towards the idea of Williamsburg being cool that I refused to explore it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I refuse to walk around and acknowledge it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got back to back errands, meetings, and chores to take care of. What's the secret to clearing your to-do list? A little help from DoorDash. You can get dinner, household essentials, and everything on your grocery list delivered. It is the best. I use DoorDash like, uh, probably daily for groceries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ordering meals as I'm driving home, that's my secret mom hack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you place an order for pickup or delivery, you're setting off a chain reaction that helps give back to the people who make your neighborhood unique. With over 300,000 partners, you can support your neighborhood go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Popeyes, Chipotle, and Cheesecake Factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With DoorDash, you're not just getting the things you love, but supporting the community you love too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH, that's 25% off, up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order. When you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH, don't forget that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash subject to change, terms applied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's, Yana, here's why I don't think so. I think the cool kids were in Williamsburg 20 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because with these hip neighborhoods, you're supposed to live in when you're poor and you're struggling and you're actually cool and creative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cap and a skateboard in his hand. I'm going to fucking vomit because it's time to grow the fuck up and go live in the suburbs and age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? And I also like, yes, like don't go back and don't go into Williamsburg. Don't fuck it up for like the young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also I don't like it, I don't like it when they tell me what neighborhoods are cool. It's like in LA when they tried to make North Hollywood the know-how arts district.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, motherfucker, this is the valley. There's no arts in the valley. You come here to make pornography and live cheaply in the suburbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some, you know, studios are there kind of, but that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Nidav, no, I grew up in the neighborhood. It is called NoHo Arts District. It's cool now. What is Artie about North Hollywood?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who cares? You know what though? I do want to become a New Yorker just so I can talk about streets and neighborhoods. You know how they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, the D train and the, you gotta take the BQE or whatever, like I wanna know how to talk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and how to navigate public transportation and how like, Hey, you want to go uptown? This is the best way to do that or whatever. That's a dream of mine. That and like the London tube, I'd like to learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so crazy. And by the way, the dichotomy, it's, it's pretty, I was driving into Brooklyn and I was like, Jesus Christ, this looks like fucking Lithuania. Like it's bombed out, looks like shit. And then two seconds later, you're like, Williamsburg!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the kind of referential knowledge I would like to have of judo titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I guess it's like, we know our freeways, the Angelino's, we always talk in freeway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what makes me crazy here in Austin though? What? When people are like, I'll be like, oh, I took my kids to fucking Chuck E. Cheese or whatever and like, oh, is that off of 9275? And I'm like, I don't fucking know where anything is yet. Don't ask me that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Like not a lot phases me that phase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause when I was pregnant with my first and I gained 80 pounds from eating in and out in Carl's Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had, I had a lot of swelling. Not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs to massage that, the lymph out. Yeah. The fluid, you know, he just needs someone to rub those tootsies a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she does the uhm, I tuck my snot rag in my bra strap, which is what I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Well that alone, I'm like, is she at Burning Man? I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to share that Tom. Well, first of all, your honor, let me point out that I've been in a fitness group with these women every day. I walk 10,000 steps every day. I watch my diet and I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, I work out twice a week. So that being said, and I'm, I feel like nobody's really said this before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal, is that I've always, like I've done stuff like Pilates twice a week or something, but I've never done 10,000 steps a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess she started doing this during the Pandy and like, yeah, Laura lost a ton of weight with Stacia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been cyber, I was like stalking Stacia for a while on her Instagram, like contemplating should I do this program, should I do it, and finally I was like what? It's now or never, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I am loving it. Oh, oh, so this is what I like about Herc, about to speak to what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is gonna fuckin' suck more than anything's ever fuckin' sucked in your life. You're gonna fuckin' hate this. Just shut- just fuckin' say it. It sucks. But watch. You're gonna look hot in your bathing suit. You're gonna feel better in your body. And what's the worst? The pain of not doing it and hating your body? Or the pain of doing what we're doing right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not the freak for not liking this shit. Sure. She doesn't like it, but she looks amazing. Right. You cannot like it and still do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it had to like stuff to do it. That's my problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm serious, but you know how like it takes one person to change your dumb brain and you're like, oh my god, I've been thinking wrong my whole life on this issue, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's really helped me, even just walking every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much, it's good for fit, fitness is good for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it. So, so sorry, go over again. You have to do 10,000 subs too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the peer pressure of the accountability that really motivates me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also like prioritizing, like what you said, like I could have slept in today and not started walking, but you know, you just make it a priority.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great, you guys are, that, I think that's good. The highly competitive side was like, you guys were-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's a hugey. And I uhm, I've had to eat fat free cheese, which makes me wanna die. I wanna fuckin' die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even do it, like, like, fat free cheese is like sugar free candy or decaf coffee. It's like what, what, I'd rather die. I'd just rather not have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was told that I can go to light cheese, not fat free cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll try that. Does that even exist in America? I feel like in Canada. No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a friend whose mother would wake up in the morning not brush her teeth


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this woman would eat breakfast, drink her coffee, and then lunchtime would come. Still no teeth brushing. And it wouldn't happen until after lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her kids were like, dude your breath is bangin'. And she goes, well I don't like the taste of the mint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she figured out, and then she liked cinnamon. She chose cinnamon toothpaste. So wait, so when does Bert eventually brush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I am so averse to, I would rather, for instance, our little one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm not gonna do this. I just threw him in the shower and I just bare handed put soap on it and cleaned shit off my kid's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And put it in with my clothes, so I would rather just get cacao in my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is, right? Cause I, I don't, I don't understand it. I never used them, we never used them. It is for poor people, right? Yes, of course. Like who uses washcloths? Do Americans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Yea, of course. I also think it's the more conservative places where like they don't want to touch their genitals with their hands. Yea. Probably like they're more puritanical. So they're like, oh, that's gross to touch your own body parts with your hands. Do black people use washcloths any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, also to Eni's point, uhm, so there's a black lady in my accountability group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, ranch dressing was in one of the recipes and she was like, I don't do ranch. Can I do something else? And I thought about you. I was like, Oh my God. And he was right. She doesn't do ranch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousand Island? Oh yea, she's told me that before. But ranch specific, I've never heard her say ranch specific, and she was like, I don't do ranch, and I was like, hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you gave us one of our favorite sayings on this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I know this sounds so dumb, but yesterday I, I spent the morning doing life maintenance things. You know, like I got a call to vet and then I got a fucking schedule. And I was like, I'm so angry that I have to do these things. Like I would pay a premium. I'm sure that's called a personal assistant. That's all that is. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't schedule my kids dentist appointment. Like, I think you're, that's when you're out of touch with reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, did you hear that Leo just broke up with his recent 25? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that crazy though, that just how getting jacked makes you attractive? Like I was watching someone of these douchebags on TikTok and he was like, listen, ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make your body a 10, and that way you're like an 8.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nerd dude, and now he's like Jack Jeff Bezos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being the hot chick and then losing it, or being a Jeff Bezos your whole life, a fucking dork, having to make billions of dollars and then getting jacked later in life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause she gets it a little, here's why, because, oh, I mean, you're-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a novel idea that the artist actually gets to prosper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so great to be liberated from the system of the one or two tastemakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're business people, they're not creatives. They're business people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ever even like having a fucking VHS tape of your act?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember, like, you'd go, you'd finally make it to those club worlds, and then you'd see the back room, where like, the booker hung out, and then just stacks of VHS tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cunts. One's dead, unfortunately, now that I'm moving tickets. And I always swore I was like, why don't I go back to his fucking town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that fucking cunt. You know what he told me? He'll never forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I'm sure. Well, I was told, here's what I was told. Okay, so this guy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I called him, he's like, call me back next week, okay? Call me back next week, okay? And like finally after a month, I was like, what the fuck bro, like I've been calling you, give me a week. And he goes, you know what Christina, I've already had two women this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, two women this year? That's it? And then, and then I, and then I was told I couldn't do an entire chain of clubs in Canada because the owner doesn't book women. Like I was exed out of an entire chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's fun. I still love it. I don't care. Of course. Oh yeah. I don't care. That's who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, especially with this medium, with podcasting,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, at least me now, I have a really hard time watching scripted television or stuff that I know is bullshit. Cause you're like, I could just listen to two people tell the truth for an hour and a half or I can watch something completely fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I remember as a kid when California passed the seatbelt law, it was like 1987 or something, and people were so pissed and reluctant. And I remember even me as a kid being like, I don't want to wear some fucking seatbelt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at Touch-A-Truck on Saturday with my two boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I think I took the kids who were standing in line for slushies and I turned around and I couldn't see Julian and I panicked for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and just if you, if you're beginning to think that this is a one-off, you're wrong. No, no, that's clearly- It's setting down an entire rabbit hole of other people with prosthetic eyes that they've bedazzled or like made cool. It's a whole lane of TikTok, the prosthetic eye lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So interesting you're saying this movie cause I was just watching it on, on my elliptical your day. And I'm like, he was perfect. The body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But his tush, like they just showed his tush walking and I was like, guess what? Bodybuilding makes you look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's watering, watering the scorpion bowls. I don't know, but those are just bowls of water. And I don't know, maybe this is in India, like where they worship scorpions or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty big, but I thought he was gonna fuck it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when I came out of ketamine, remember? Yes. What was I saying to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and he collects it throughout the day and then he puts it in his bathwater. I mean, first of all, if you're gonna piss...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stuff that comes out of you, put it back in. The stuff that your body, it's expelling toxins, it's waste. People are like, put it back in, I want it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, I've never done that in a hotel, but like in LA, when I was getting ready to move here, those last two weeks in my apartment, I did some good damage. Really? Yeaah. It's pretty rad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, whatever dude, like I don't need to fuckin' wallow in this filth. That's the next tenance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's incredible. That is, he's a bizarre person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Hell yeaah. Hell yeaah. Holy shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gonna win so I'm okay with that. That's what I was thinking. Wow!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I know this one, I just can't think of the word. Oh, that's how it goes. I guess I missed this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, I did say, uh, extra ice, so I knew that part. I put iced coffee, extra ice, with cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, Chris is actually a pretty smart guy, and like, if I actually thought he was dumb, I probably wouldn't say it out loud, I would just think it quietly to myself. That's true, yeaah. That being said, he is a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I'm always thinking about is our kids. Cause you know, like when you talk to your, like your, your mom has that coffee mom. Remember your friend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've talked about that on this show four or five times already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means even if a hoe wants to bond or form a connection with you, she can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one, everyone has roles when they bend over. Number two, when someone tells you that you are beautiful, believe them. They aren't lying. Number three,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you saw yourself the way others see you, you definitely would. Number six. Don't look for a man to save you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That woman with the seemingly perfect life, well, you might be that woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't remind me of that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't forget I'm going to Vegas and you told me to tell you when.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. Well, it's a silent cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right over, right over my head, and you know, it's actually funny, I need term paper that I wrote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was never gonna get better than a B, cause I never did spell check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just handed it in where every other word was misspelled and I was just like, the way she goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. He seems like actually a pretty good guy. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, he was really in love. Remember when Palm Pilots came out? Yeah. So he loved Palm Pilots because it had like a calendar function on it, some bullshit. And so what he would do is he'd have a stack, like, like he always had two ones that were fresh in the box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a question. Cause my dad would do this, uh, if you ever go to hotel rooms with your parents, did they ever just like have a suitcase just for shit that they're gonna steal from the hotel room? My dad took pillows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, chat, chat is laughing still at my Google from earlier, ship and space people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh yeaah, I like this one, and then I also have his Goldman Sachs one. That's done in A. That's done like the Bass Pro Shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kno- no, I know that there's a bass, but it's also like kinda like, uh, like tomato-tomato, you know? It's just like, you know what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five more years. I see you like that. Yeah. What? I can see it like, look, you're not there now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I recall him being a hatchet man, a juggalo. He is a juggalo, but is that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a vision and it was, we were all there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, hater fans. That's what I'm calling y'all from now on. I just made an example out of a rude mouth young man that had no right to post something. And I assure you that he got shut down bad. You will be next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a crown. I get crayon. I see it. I know how it's spelled, but it's a crown. When you're a kid, you play with crowns. Crowns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ashraf, let me suck it right here, right now in front of everyone. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For poppin', I, I used to work at Deke Entertainment. Yeah. And I did voiceovers for various children's cartoons. Yeah. And this East Coast lady would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Dana, you're poppin' your peas. You're pop- quit poppin' your peas. So this helps with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Batman gets laid, number one. He's got Vicky Vale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets laid, he's got the cool cars, he's got the cool mansion. Spider-boy lives with his auntie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't even get MJ to suck his D. He can't pay for his fucking phone bill. He doesn't have shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you kidding me? I bet you Batman, fucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you know why I like you? Why? Cause you've also got a brooding dark side too. You're a comedian. You think we're all sunshine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two things going on with this opening clip, which I really admire. Number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is actually something I was thinking about this morning. So number one, he asks, uhm, it's kind of a rhetorical question, like, what would you want me to, you want me to have my pants off? Or do you want to see? Like, he doesn't really want the answer, I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, and, and, and, I've seen this over the years in comedy, sometimes male comics will get better when a female blows up because of her looks or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why, why come she got this TV show? Why come she gets all these likes? It's like, dumb dumb, who do you think is liking the picture? Other guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. They go up fast, and then the decline is even quicker, and then they're just gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very rare has it sustained. Very rare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and oh, and he's got the sticker of the kid pissing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did say y'all, which might be Tejas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was this kid in flip flops and like jorts, like those long jean shorts over the knee and shirtless and like those shades. And you're like, oh, that's a specific form of Florida trash right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, when you're from somewhere, you know your type of trash better than anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To wear the stomach bulges over, right? That's like a number one rule to Valley Trash. I'm gonna go with long nails, white manicure, like white nails, right? Or white pedicure, white uhm, French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, obviously like a bad tit job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's him. It's Ben. Go one more. That guy. Doesn't he play it? Danny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you help me out? I had a guy try and sell me a dog the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have sex with David Banner. David Banner. What's his name? The other, the jackal to the heart. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the Hulk getting butt fucked. I don't like that. Goodness gracious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So then, can I fuck Lou Ferrigno? Can I do the human version of the Hulk? Hold on, this is a really interesting question now. Do I go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, well hold on, you're attributing powers to him, we don't know he's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because of the childhood Superman I grew up with, Christopher Reeve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And the hulk's got that angry, so I'd tame him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a good question then, so which of the superheroes will be the most mentally stable?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's from the island of Lesbos. They don't like guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's very athletic. She's always running and jumping and doing stuff. Sweaty. Stinky box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet created this perfect human. She's a perfect human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, they have two or three, it's with uhm, the blonde chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, you're supposed to know this stuff. You guys are five years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think she's, she's my fave right now. I like Harley Quinn, but I do like Catwoman's probably arguably the most sexual, beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See like he's, oh this, this guy's gorgeous. Harry Cavell, Cavell. Holy shit, you wanna see perfect?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I like about him is that he can give it to you and then he'll do pushups and he's like, he's not American, he's English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, he'll be like, how many, first of all he's British, he'll be like, how many push-ups do you think I could do, mate? And I'll be like, I don't know, Henry, why don't you tell me? And he's like, alright, watch this then. And then he like plunks down naked, and then you just like watch him do push-ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, do, do ten more. Okay. And then he does em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing is I've actually, I've never been with a guy that looks like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't know, I've never been with like, that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, he keeps a very tight lid on his personal life. Smart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These two fit together. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like the Zoe- Zoe Kravitz if these two make a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I tell you, in my recent memory, the only couple I could see as totally equal was Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't he always with denim rubbing on his dong? That can't be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys know I love the break-in protection that my Simply Safe Home Security Systems gives me. But it's not always outside forces that you need Simply Safe's protection from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few months ago, a Simply Safe customer fell asleep with food still in the oven. This could have led to thousands of dollars in damages to his kitchen, home, or worse. Luckily, he had a comprehensive Simply Safe system equipped with everything to prevent break-ins and smoke detectors to sniff


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use and love SimpliSafe. You can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at simplisafe.com slash your mom. Go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off with interactive monitoring. Go to simplisafe.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Like, wouldn't you be intimidated to have sex with Margot Robbie at the end of the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many things to get into. Uhm, so many, so many topics. Would you like to hear about public pools? The babbling Irishman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm a psych student studying to be a clinical psychologist and I've always been fascinated by the fabled Kalarney Babler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my momming tingle instantly notified me that this unintelligible Irish geezer was exactly what my professor was describing. Wernicke-Korsakov syndrome is caused when excessive drinking prevents the body from uptaking thiamine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. This is in relation to your hostage situation that you brought up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This person, uhm, and this is an interesting point, Tom. What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is really interesting, uhm, this listener writing in really, really hit on something I too was thinking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been doing a lot of thinking about Tom's Four Stages of Freedom, and I've come to the conclusion, I'm living in the Chili's for the rest of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And he writes, I don't think this option was examined enough on the segment. And I tend, I agree. Looking back, I thought, gosh, we never explored chilies. Well, here's his further dissertation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, number one, you never have to worry about money ever again. You've got your lodging, your food, etc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is, so this would be my problem, is sleeping on the booth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May I push together two booths to create one big bed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I have one booth all to myself, like my home? Like I put my toiletries under the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the good thing is like, you know when the traffic is coming into Chili's, right? Like you probably have your lunch. It probably opens for lunch, right? There's no breakfast at Chili's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've got your lunch crowd, you've got your early dinner rush and then you've got the late dinner rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like in between those times I could probably get some relaxation in, I could take over a booth, do some writing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would, I would still bloat. Like this guy is making a good argument, but it's not compelling enough to keep me at Chili's for the rest of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I get, I'll get hammered, here's what I'll do then, I'll get fucking ripped at Chili's, like ripped, faded, black out, and then do all 60, just bang, bang, bang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hold on, do I have to swallow all of their loads? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spit it out. Here's the thing though, and here's the good news, Tom. Cause you don't know this, cause you don't give beaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And after guy number five won't even feel anything or taste anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, number three, this guy right, this is the best. It's one of the best chain restaurants with a large menu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, they have TVs too for entertainment. ESPN, sporting events, et cetera. Could even ask the bartender to change the channel here and there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a genetic condition called hyperdontia. It is evidently recessive. Uhm, oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister and father had it. I did not. My daughter did. She had four sets of the front four upper teeth. She required multiple oral surgeries and braces for about seven years. My sister had one surgery and somehow her adult teeth came in perfectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yikes. That's gotta be real painful to get rid of too. Poor kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so bizarre. He really, really forces this authenticity crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like a polite way of doing it, so you get to see your comment, but nobody else does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so weird. And like, we, first of all, when people are like, I'm Garth Brooks, I'm Trisha Yearwood. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock, we're on your fucking page. We know who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and when she's talking, he has to look at her and do the whole, ugh, it gets so fucking forced. It's a performance. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, like, if you really give a shit for these Ukrainian refugees, guess what? One show will donate, or we did a shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't just ask people to give you money asshole. You can do it. I don't know, it seems weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, why isn't he writing a song for Kiev and for Ukraine? That's what I'm waiting for is the Garth song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by DraftKings Sportsbook. The NBA playoff action is nonstop at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. This week, new customers can bet just $5 on any team to win and get $150 in free bets


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Total threes made, total rebounds and more. And boom, you have a shot at an even bigger payout. Right now, all customers can place a same game parlay with three or more legs and get a free bet back up to $25 if one leg doesn't hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Use promo code MOM. Bet $5 on any NBA team to win their game and get $150 in free bets if they do. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See description for details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so last week I went to get my tits squished, uh, to get a mammogram, you know, because they put your titty in a plastic vice, and then they squish it like a pancake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that was so cool. So I uhm, so I was getting my mommy gram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I made friends with the lady that does it and she's like, I've been doing this for 20 years. I go, you have? Are my?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big sloppy tits, the biggest that you've ever seen. And she goes, oh my no, oh heavens no. She goes, girl, you're on the smaller end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compared to what I've seen, I go, what are you talking about? She goes, so there's like a plate, right? Like you put your titty on the plate. She goes, I've smushed, I've smushed breasts. That's what I say. I've been, I've examined women whose breasts takes up the entire surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, so mine took up like a normal amount of that area, that smush, the film plate. She's like, they cover it all. I've had it to where she goes, I have to do it in sections. I can only do a quarter of the breast at a time. What? Uh huh. So she's like, you're like tiny compared to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, would they give you this stupid robe that's this gown that's open? And then the lady comes and she scoops your boob, puts it on the plate. And I was like, why am I wearing this robe? Like what false modesty? And I just took it all off because I'm like, oh, to cover the one tit that's not in that. I'm like, grow up, be an adult. I'm like, you've seen tits all day. This is nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bet. Bet. Especially the colonoscopy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And doing the show and podcasting in general is that notes suck. You don't realize that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get hired by a network or you're on television, you're so restricted in what you can say and do and how you can act and what you can say when you're not filming the show even on TV. It's so horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Well, the reason notes suck from television networks is because they're selling advertisements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Cause it's, it's a pure form. Stand Up Comedy is the one of the, and podcasting now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I had one legal note in my special. One legal note. I had to change the inflection on a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talk about your children, we need to have them sign release forms so that they don't sue you. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, hold on a second. I'm their guardian, so I'm gonna sign the form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, this is what television or entertainment should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you, you let talented people, creative people do what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, how, it's been, it's been such a struggle with traditional television for years for creative people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's all these hand bindings of like, we have to sell ads and what if we offend people? We're going to lose the, it's like, dude, stop it. Stop making butter noodles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the, that's like the butter noodles approach. This is why radio sucked so bad. It's called butter noodles. Everybody will eat them. Nobody really loves, maybe one or two guys love eating butter noodles, but everybody will eat it. It's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody. So, so now entertainment's like, you don't have to make bland awful shit that you kinda like, not really. You can go specific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many people do you need to like your stuff to have a great living? It doesn't have to be that many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? You just need to feel, 2000 people need to like your shit and you can sell to them and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and like the formatting of radio, they discovered, oh, I forget what the name of the radio guy is, he discovered that there's formats, like that's how they got all these different stations, like Top 40, Classic Rock, Hip Hop, everything became...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I go, I go, are you guys stoked? Obama is president and then some guy yelled at the end and I was a feature act at the time. So I was, I didn't, did not know how to handle it. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never heard that, but uhm, it was at the Funny Bone in Shreveport. And what was cool about that Funny Bone is that the showroom is right next door to a bowling alley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. It's no longer around that funny bone, thankfully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad you left on a positive note. Charlotte was crazy good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch that one right here. Or maybe here. Maybe here. Maybe, uh, uh, uh. Maybe you should subscribe. That way, every time a new video gets posted, you'll be notified. Stay in the know jeans. Subscribe now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's also Paul McCartney's birthday. Every year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every year, June 18th, and Isabella Roslini. Did you know, by the way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Paul McCartney charges a goddamn fortune to see him live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, from what I hear, just like normal person to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smart Chad knows. He's like, those are pests. Why wouldn't you just take them down off your site? You should really have his web guy update that page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I feel like it's his deficiency still causing this for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ticket, ticketmaster.com, not Ticket Network, that's not Ticket Master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, the guy could barely walk and he's still getting it in. I'm like, that's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will be, it will be with you. There's no, there's no saying no to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, you still have lead in your pencil. Yeah, sure. 96. Very small. That's wild. You have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh look, he doesn't have a voice like mine or move on stage like me. He just has a superficial resemblance to my younger self, which is fine, he can't help that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right. Listen. Listen. Everyone thinks his Harry Styles is some new shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's like when Lady Gaga came out, Madonna was like, oh, who is bitch? I mean, she totally style sucked Madonna to a T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your own shit goin', bitch. She don't like, she don't like her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I listen. I'm stuck at 15 years old. I like what I like. He's super talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what ice tea used to look like. Colors. Colors. Colors. Yeah, there you go. Colors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Colors, colors, colors, colors. I am a nightmare walking psychopath talking. King of my jungle, just a gangster stalking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I am stuck in my era. Yeah. Up, down, funk you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, educate me. I mean, I'm open. I'd like to be edu-edumacated on cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff, raw stuff. You know me, I'm not hip, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, good for you. Good for you. Thumbs up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, he's fucking terrible. But I do, I do speak apropos of what you just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The phobia of vomiting, so Julian was sick on me, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A few weeks back and he vomited in our bed, so he was sleeping in the bed and I woke up to him puking in our bed with our other son next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to go to like a phobias. I've been to hypnotherapy for it, I've been in talk therapy, it's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna be done with this. I think I just have to find like a bunch of dudes to puke on me. Is that what we do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what your parents, your shit parents say to kids when they're upset. So mean. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know me, I have a routine. I wake up in the morning, I meditate, I exercise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if anybody has done like some kind of a phobia treatment and it's worked for you, please let me know. And if you're in the Austin area or Los Angeles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know because I've asked my shrink that and she's like, yeah, but if there's no emotional work with it, it doesn't help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baby can't have sex with other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, moving along, uhm, I have another topic I'd like to discuss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause they're not very, they're not very loving touchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm being serious, is a breast massage, would that be, would you be upset with me? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I thought about it too, I was like, nah, Tommy wouldn't care if some Chinese lady rubbed my tits. So then I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well I go, I go, well let's try the breast massage. If I'm not into it, I'll just be like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like I'll put a stop to it. So the whole time I was anxious about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go back to this lady, it's in California, I'm gonna drive all the way back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, see that's, that's what I thought too. I was like, I don't want her like erotic. Yeah, like what's she gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like, it was like around the outer periphery of the tits, so it's like the, the muscles under, it's the muscle tissue. The pectoral muscle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like really getting into that slop meat. And I was like, this is great. And I was totally fine with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tits, I mean like, I don't know, it felt like two minutes, three minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they're very, like the Chinese massage is so different because they like, you know, they smack on you and they hit you like, why are you fucking hitting me dude? Feel good, feel good. I like the hits. Doesn't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that shit at all. I feel like they're gonna break my ribs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, like, there's two types of momsage, they say, like one where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say like there's one kind of mom massage where you feel better after and then one where you feel good during. I'm the type that likes to feel good during.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your eyelid under your eye, under your left eye. Do you feel that? It just stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like him. I feel like we could listen to records together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is a Britcom I can watch all day, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Electric water pot that boils and then they drink, um, instant coffee. It's fucking disgusting. They love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Maybe that's what you need to do more. Hot liquid. If I don't like hot or cold liquids, I like room temp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. That's a good cup. That's my perfect temperature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I do like that the English do is they drink Earl Grey or dark tea and then they add a little bit of milk to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to mention stress. I mean, who the heck wants to go to the post office anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Streamline your shipping process with Stamps.com's easy to use software. All you need is your regular computer and printer, no special supplies or equipment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have UPS, that's right. So stop wasting time and start saving money when you use stamps.com to mail and ship. Sign up at stamps.com slash mom for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Get a four week trial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the critters out there, frogs and cicadas and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and we've also been into fishing. Like, that's another one where I feel like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm kicking nature's ass. Like fuck you bitch. You think you can fuck my shit up? I'm gonna fuck your shit up. I'm gonna take the fishes out of your lake bitch. I'm gonna eat you. I don't like that. I like pulling- don't you feel powerful when you pull a fucking fish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't even have to put bait, he was catching fish on like the fake worm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he gets them fast. He caught a big ass catfish. Yeah, it was big.


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[Assistant] He's fucking psycho, but that's cause he likes to like hold living things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the kid that likes to hold stuff that's alive. He's not afraid of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd be scared too at 6. That's psychotic genes. That's definitely my side of the family though. That's European Eastern Black shit like, fuck you imma do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took out our boat and I didn't even think twice about it. I was like, you out of town. I was like, I want to learn how to drive a boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was tricky. Cause I, you know, I've never even backed up before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I panicked and I gave it nothing. And if you give the boat nothing, the boat just drifts. You have no control. So I was figuring that out. And I backed up and then I hit our dock. I definitely hit the dock. Boom! Like a soft hit, but it was super soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was super soft and I was like, oh, there's no damage. Like I looked already and there was no damage. So I was like, Tom's never going to know. And then, and then it was like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Austin Powers, when he's like, uh, uh, uh, in the golf cart, cause we have this narrow place and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So eventually I figured out how to get out, and then I fuckin', after you texted me like, hey you should not be out there alone, then you got in my head. Cause I was all confident. Like, look at me, I'm the sea captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So then I got nervous because you're like, you really need help. And I was like, I don't have any help, dude. I don't know how I'm going to get back in. So I practiced going slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Under the bridge, like I just practice maneuvering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally was like chanting and using all my mind powers. You know how I use my mind powers to fight my own sicknesses and to fight stuff. I was like, be one with the doc, be one with the doc, be one, I swear to God. I was like, you're one with this boat, you're one with the doc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was one with the doc, I'm telling you. So I felt it, dude. I was like, okay, I'm going to give her just enough juice that it's like just enough to steer. Cause if you don't give any juice, the vote goes nowhere. So I'm like, just enough juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the key for me was just to keep moving, and then I fucking docked perfectly, like I bumped against the rails a little to guide me, but it was fucking sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents escaped from the country. Shit don't phase me. I was really, I was super pumped actually when I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what is he huffing in the balloon? Is it uhm, what's that shit, the whippets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should get some of that. It kills your brain cells. I did a bunch of whip. It's one night in college and my dad came to visit me the next day and I was just like, like I couldn't even talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you think it's 10 to 12 Benadryl? That could kill you. No. You take that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many years does it take to resolve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I got so nervous one time, the first time I got, uh, uh, filler done and the, my plastic surgeon was like, you know, I go, is there a risk? What's the risk? She's like, well, yeah, one time I heard about this lady, um, going blind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but just, uh, but that always terrified me. But yeaah, I mean that, like Linda Evangelista, she froze the fat off her body, and now she got fatter, like she can't get rid of it. Is that right? Look at her, she used to be a supermodel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she got fucked by that. That's her? That's her? That's her fat procedure, yeah. Oh wow. The fat cells keep reproducing so she can't like diet at all or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they doing like plastic surgery? Like there was no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, those things, you have to keep doing them. It's not just once. It's like the upkeep. Like I bet they go and do it a lot. Do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He failed even. It wasn't even, it didn't even prove good. Sorry, we're deciding what room temperature is. This feels colder than room temperature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like, what I do is I put it down and when it's room temp, I panic first because I go, is this like yesterday's coffee? Is this today's coffee? I usually keep multiples. And then I get a wave of relief when I'm like, no, this is today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, would he be gay with you? Cause I know you guys are emotionally close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the crumsy one, the one that's in all the crumbs of the other ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like waxy chocolate. No, no, I like the chocolate. See, it says chocolate cupcakes, but those are called-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember McDonald's hot apple pie, but back in the day when we were kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all like no oily greasy. It's just like perfectly baked and healthy and not enough inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't give you props or anything, like, oh, you know that? Four by four, you know? Four by four is intense. What's a Scooby Snack? Yeah, what the fuck is that? I've never seen that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, animal style is grilled onions and everything's mixed up on the grill. So it comes to you nice and sloppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is my animal. That's what I get, homie. Well what's your favorite fry?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, I get that for the kiddos. Oh man. There's an In-N-Out here in Momston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they're square, their patties are square, that's their shtick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, yes, all right, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, I eat foods, uhm, just to eat the sauces. Like barbecue, I could be indifferent to the actual meat. It's the sauce that I'm really into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, the kitchen always wants it in order. Cause when I waited tables, I would put the appetizer in, and when they're halfway through the appetizer, then you put the main courses in. Like, the waiter has to time it so that the kitchen knows what to do. So that's very odd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, Tommy, do you remember that time we were at a steakhouse in the valley with your parents and your dad was talking about this woman's vaginal burns? Yeah. And then the waitress was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, sounds hilarious. Girl crying about her life being ruined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I knew two girls in college that would always bang dudes simultaneously. And I was like, how does that go down? Like, and then tomorrow you're like, hey, what's up? Like nothing happened. I think I'd be mortified to see my friend banging. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do. Yeaah. You know this person too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it ends well because actually this person I don't think is with their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it does ruin. I listened to this podcast with Esther Perel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's very cool. So, but apropos this discussion. She was there. Yeah, so Esther Prowl has this great podcast where she talks to couples. It's couples therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she has, I just listened to an episode with swingers. And the woman was an Indian, she was raised in India, so she felt that her sexuality had been stifled, she's been with the same guys since they were teenagers basically, and they swing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it, it lasted for two years, but then you find that the root cause of their issues weren't necessarily the sexual behavior, the swinging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like deeper. It's always a deeper thing. So the swinging actually worked out for these folks. It was like other stuff going on with the man. Like he was very insecure and he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was miserable. He was depressed and angry and stuff all the time. But to hear them talking to each other, they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, jealous or whatever the words are, I don't know them off hand either, but it's pretty rough to listen to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like that full episode of your mom's house? Are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? I doubt it. Watch some more clips, dude. Look at that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is American TV personality. Oh, like a host or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is too much noise. It's upsetting to mother.