[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always argued of this series for journalism in general is that it, it is immersive, it is experiential, it is witnessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, news, crime as it happens. And it's enterprising in a way that, you know, few things are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so the lesson is if you can use technology, if you can use enterprising techniques, whether it's this topic or anything else, it's important and compelling and it's hard to do. It's, you know, it's, it's a lot goes into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it can be, we've had it 10 minutes. We've had cases where guys have shown up literally in 10 minutes after first contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we always, we did, uh, you know, everybody knows the Nigerian online scams and all that. And so, I conned NBC into letting us do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's hard to do because as prevalent as the crime is, to catch somebody is almost impossible. And literally, god bless them, they committed to two producers plus associate producers for almost a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On and off, working and working and working and smoking these guys out. And creating identities. And we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we got guys to meet us in London and in other places where we were able to confront them. I saw a portion of this. But it was uhm, you know, it was a once in a lifetime deal because nobody's gonna commit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some poor lady in, you know, Fairfield, Connecticut is out $250,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did a story on, related to this very same thing where, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were conning people in the United States to take delivery of packages and reship them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you got somebody overseas in Europe or in Africa and they do a sweetheart swindle essentially. So there's a beautiful picture of this woman that was, you know, copped from some Danish soft porn site and they developed a relationship with some Porsche lep in upstate New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's lonely and, and you gotta do this, you gotta do that, you know, she's coming, Wendy's gonna meet me, and blah, blah, blah, blah. In the meantime...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this stuff's arriving in his house and he's taking it down to the, uh, DHL and reshipping it under the guise of, of doing all this stuff. So, we set up, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple times a month, and finally we invite him in, and I said to him, I said, who's this Wendy? Have you met her? No, no, no, but I'm gonna meet her, my fiancee. And, uh, I said, well you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't trust everybody on the internet. He goes, yeah, I know. I watched that show Dateline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, have you seen the show? I said, yeah, it's a pretty good show. And he said, yeah, but, you know, he really goes after them. I said, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, yeaah, that coulda happened to anybody. And I was about to say, he's a pretty handsome fella, isn't he? And thought might be pushing it. But that was the intersection of, you know, to catch a predator is crossing over to catch an ID thief. Cause that's what these people are doing. And unwittingly, sucked into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, I think, at least in my case, what I always try to do with, you know, whether it's a predator thing or a crime thing or one of the things we've got out now in Discovery Plus on the Peter Nygaard investigation or Onision in real life is to take people inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Completely familiar with, that'll blow their minds, or it's a crime everybody knows about where we have access.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That nobody else has. Right. And to me, that's the storytelling, but there is a fascination, I mean it goes back to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the strange case of Leopold and Lowe in Chicago and, you know, a million years ago, these two kids who committed a crime and were only caught because one had an odd...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A prescription for his glasses. You know, I remember, you know, hearing about it when I was a kid and being fascinated with it. And, you know, it just drove me to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's like, you know, what about divorce? Do we, why do we have to try to kill our spouses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And if a guy saddles up to you at a bar and says, well I can kill your, your problem for you, you know, that's right away, it's, you know, it's a warning sign that's probably somebody with the ATF or DEA or the sheriff's department.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did they get to that point? Yeaah. How does that happen? I tell you the one that I'm fascinated with right now is that, uh, Murtaugh case in South Carolina. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and I'm not suggesting I have any insight into it, except it's just one of those really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, fascinating tragic cases that, you know, it's like midnight in the garden of good and evil. Yeaah. You know, so I think we may have to do something on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, there are a number of them, you know, over the years. I mean, I've been doing this 40 years. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and think of something that I covered in Lansing, Michigan in 1981 that, you know, or, or, you know, why did Billy Ferry in Tampa, Florida,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, five, six years before, you know, it really hit critical mass and had some good information and was, you know, pursuing a potential enterprise sting operation in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Miami Herald reporter who kept chippin' away, chippin' away, chippin' away on a daily basis. She just wrote a book. Perverted, Perversion of Justice. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julie K. Brown is the author's name. And she convinced some of these victims to speak out and be public. And that's what made the case. I mean, that's where local journalism


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can really influence justice. Because the US attorney at the time in New York, when they announced the charges, flat out said without the Miami Herald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been told by people who I believe know and have first hand knowledge that there were pictures in that safe, in the home, in New York. Evidence, and I've seen, I have ledgers that were taken from that house in Palm Beach, West Palm Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With lists of names, people were involved. And there are pictures, uhm, of prominent people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, you know, who's got influence there? I don't like to engage in speculation. I can't back up. But you have to wonder. Now, is there anything I've come across that indicates it was anything other than a suicide? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I mean, do the math. It raises questions. I mean, the way, the circumstances of the death are, will always be, are gonna lead to... Well, yeah, I mean, it's consistent with the suicide, but, I mean, how does that happen in a federal market? How does that even happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forensic, uh. Well, it's, and the other issue that it all speaks to is the, the sense of impunity because of money and power. Yeah. And was especially striking, if you look at Unseemly, right, which is this other series that, uh, I was executive producer on, the Peter Nygaard case. Yes, I wanted. The industry. So a lot of people don't know about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you brief people on, like, Peter who don't know, though? Like, Peter Nygaard is a multi-multi-millionaire, borderline billionaire, Canadian fashion mogul. If you bought a pair of women's jeans in most department stores, there was a high chance that Nygaard made them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dillard sold all the stuff, a lot of mid-level department stores, and some higher end department stores. He did private label stuff. So, he made a ton of money. And he had, uh, uh, his headquarters in New York, Winnipeg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big place in the Marina Del Rey in Los Angeles and a huge compound in the Bahamas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And investigators believe that he's probably sexually assaulted thousands of women over 50 years. From women who wanted to be models to young children involving drugings, violent, brutal, physically aggressive sexual assaults. And he got away with it because he was buying people off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was intimidating guys like me with lawsuits and because he was in Canada, the CBC was on to him. Well, he, you know, made their lives hell. Yeah. And we were fully,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] anticipating being in his crosshairs. Yeah. Uh, and we didn't because of the timing of the thing, he was actually arrested and indicted just as we were getting ready to roll this out on Discovery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is really, really, I mean we did, I did a lot of the interviews with the victims in the Bahamas. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just absolutely draining. The courage that these young women had to come forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, he was involved in all this stem cell stuff. So he was allegedly impregnating young women, coercing them into having abortions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, to top it off, I get a phone call one day. We're up to our eyeballs in this investigation and a guy calls me who I've known for many years. He's involved in a lot of things and says, hey, it's at Nygaard store you're working on. I said, yeah, absolutely. He said, call this guy and it ended up being...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For three years, who, just out of the sense of justice,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A great story turns into an incredibly rich story with video that has never been seen before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally between dealing with investigators and not endangering a law enforcement investigation and getting people to talk to us and navigate. Every day for a year of my life was like a 3D game of chess working on this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it was, and I was just one of a lot of hard working people on this. Sure. I mean Blackfin Productions, Discovery Plus, I mean I've done a lot of work with Discovery over the years and hope to do much more because they're a great operation, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on Discovery Plus, it's called Unseemly. It's a four part series. Four part series. Oh, I'll check that out. It's comfortable because it's, I mean, my almost 30 year old son who's in television


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was very powerful. But it's important, you know, and it's, it's, uh, again, it goes back to the Miami Herald and Julie K. Brown and, and Emsteen without, you know, without that work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much bought his way out of every issue he ever had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the Bahamas, and the interesting thing about it was he was neighbors with a billionaire, Louis Bacon, who


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we, you know, uncovered and infiltrated. And to the Bacon, to Bacon's credit, I mean, his people uncovered all this criminal activity in what was an environmental property battle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did the right thing and hired people and got lawyers involved to represent the victims and push for justice. Wow. And so, you know, we may never have gotten to this point without Louis Bacon and his family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, or stop, cause his compound there was like something out of Jurassic Park. Yeaah. I mean, it's crazy. Yeaah. And uh, or it was. And uhm, you know, that was, that was really the thing that got it rolling. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he's been held without bail pending extradition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was, you know, it was eh, the headquarters is on Broadway, or used to be Broadway and 40th, which when they raided it, the FBI and NYPD, the Human Trafficking Task Force, we couldn't get a crew


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People follow these cases. Yeah. Good. I mean, I get emails, voicemails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 9-11 still, and I was on the plane coming out here yesterday from New York. I was watching the documentary that, uh, is out now with all the access, uh, to the Bush administration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the morning jog that the president had with the reporter from Bloomberg, whom he called Stretch, and starts there, and uhm, just reliving the TikTok moments of what happened. I was in Toronto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On an obviously unrelated story. Uhm, and the whole crew was gonna go out and have a few pops the night before, and for whatever reason, I miraculously said, nah, I'm good, you know, you guys go ahead. So I was up early, I went for my run, Starbucks. When I'm in the hotel room and I see the Today Show start to go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the World Trade Center. If memory serves me correctly, they popped up a piece of video with smoke coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, we're going to check this out, Lauer says, and we're going to get right back. And I called the office and I said, what's going on? And, uh, you know, people are still just kind of getting their day together in New York. And he said, well, it looks like a Learjetter, somebody had a heart attack and crashed into it. I said, okay, all right. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kept watching, had another hour to kill before we were gonna shoot more in Toronto. And, uh, the second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Airspace has just been shut down. Get a car, get a, get a, get a, realm car. Yeaah. You know, one of the last ones. We drove from Toronto, barely got over the border from Canada into the United States at the peace bridge there near Buffalo. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, where do you want us? New York or Boston? Because Boston was the origin of two of the planes at least. Three of the planes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they said, we don't have much coverage of Boston, go there. And so we did, and we covered the story from there for the first couple days. And it was just, you know, you had the sense of, of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They talk about the plane that went down in Pennsylvania. And the information I was getting from very credible people was that plane was shot down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What we thought initially could have been 20,000 deaths. You know, it was, yea, 3,000 and 3,000 and changed ultimately. And to, uh, be in the middle of that. And, you know, you can't guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you gotta be right. And to deal with all that was quite something. And it brought it all back yesterday on the plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, you know, look, it really happened. The people who died doing it, uhm, really did it. I think the key questions that are unanswered are, you know, what's being talked about now, what's being declassified, or our connections between the Saudi government, the Saudi royal family, and the hijackers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was going through documents sent to me just the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Based upon my reporting and talking to people who are a lot smarter than I am about this particular topic. That the Saudi government was so afraid of bin Laden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And him leading an uprising in the kingdom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, so many people so oppressed and being paid by the government to just be quiet that they appeased him and Al-Qaeda in a lot of different ways. And I think this was potentially one of those ways. And so there was at least tacit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there were failures at every level. I mean, look, the FBI wasn't talking to the CIA, and there are some good reasons for that and not so good reasons for that, and you had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Hamzee and Al Midar and San Diego and you had people under surveillance and video and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kuala Lumpur, I mean, there was stuff happening. I mean, there was a lot of chatter leading up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but at one point, does that mean somebody's gonna pull the trigger? But it was, I'll tell you one story that just still blows my mind. And this came from an FBI agent supervisor who was right there with the head of the FBI in New York at the time. And the second tower is coming down and they push.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the FBI chief in New York into a doorway of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy them and they come out and they're dusting each other off and in the air is this plane ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think they're generally good. I mean, every time I, you know, look, unquestionably I've developed a darker view of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do think there are many more good people than bad people. I figured out a way to compartmentalize, you know, the shit of the world. Right. And live my life, you know. Does it take its toll? I don't know, maybe. But, I'm okay with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're both. I mean, that's, you know, we, we as a society, you know, we want


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy answers, like, those are bad humans, they're born that way, lock them up forever. And there are some of those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But more often than not, there's a combination here. And we have to figure out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, why people do this and what the motivation is. And again, it's, it's really it's demand reduction, which is difficult. And so our best hope is education. And it's part of what drives me when I do these stories and these shows and these series is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I truly think that if you can get into the mind of a predator or criminal and understand a little bit about how it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then combine that with the voice of a victim. You can prevent other people from becoming victims. And people always say, well, you know, how do you not beat the shit out of these guys? Well, the answer is, I'm truly curious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As to what makes them tick. Anybody can jump out of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] is to engage this human being as horrifying as they may be and get them to talk to me and to help me to understand


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the hell was going on in their mind, in their life, that made them show up at this house to do whatever they're going to do. And you know, I take lessons from guys past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one of the best questions that Mike Wallace would ever ask is, explain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just stay quiet. You know, too many reporters today, and I try to teach this to young people, my kids included, that, you know, they don't like dead air. They feel like they have to say something all the time. Let it be uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let them talk. I mean, being a good interviewer is a good listener, most important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, you know, two or three years ago, I got, uh, I had a bit of a health kick, nothing extreme, just, you know, kind of, I found myself one summer, um, getting a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see the stuff and, uh, the podcast. Podcast is Pedagers I've Caught with Chris Hansen on all platforms. We've got a YouTube channel. Have a seat with Chris Hansen. We've got, uh, Cameo. We've got Discovery Plus and more stuff coming. There it is. Can't wait to see more. Can't wait. Thanks so much. Thanks for coming. Thank you. No, it was treat. See you guys next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, my queen. I was just downstairs fixing your breakfast. Everything's ready for you. Come on, go jump in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're done, come down and get your breakfast. I love you, my queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what. After you get your shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, put them feet on the ground and take off running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very nice boobs. You guys keep it up. I love the videos of the no brawls. You guys have a good day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need, I need to be fucked a lot, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I choose to allow my girlfriend to sleep with other men. That doesn't give you the right to call me a cuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is a message for all the people out there using that hateful language. Why don't you try going a day in my shoes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that her needs require her to have the right to explore that territory and if it means I have to sleep on the sofa a few days a week, then, you know, so be it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ultimately our relationship means more to me than, you know, my ego or my jealousy. So think about what you're saying when you use that word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we give away tickets that aren't on sale yet? Hashtag GarthandLincoln, LoveG, hashtag StudioG, LincolnBio, spoiler alert, we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like, I'm not, I haven't seen it in any like, bios or profiles or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it just kinda, it just kinda happens. Like it used to be where it's like a, how do I ask for this thing? And now it's just kinda offered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it looks like he was caught by the, by the side safety net thing, so he's probably not hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think so. I mean, it looks like it's at the end of a soccer game. And, uh, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After hearing you say that, I'm hearing every single word that you heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But before that, I just, like, I couldn't 100% nail down it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that just looks like it's right up my alley. I feel like that's, that's what I want to be all about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you smell? Have you smelled vagines? Like bad smelling vagines?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's still, it's still, yeah. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's face it, taking trips to the post office is such a drag. I mean, who wants to waste time doing that? That's why we've been using Stamps.com for years. With Stamps.com you get the services of the post office and now UPS all in one place. Plus, big discounts on mailing and shipping rates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com brings the services of the US Postal Service and UPS right to your computer. Stamps.com is a must have for any business, whether you're a small office sending out invoices, an online seller shipping out your orders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no risk, and with my promo code Mom, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Promo code Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many fun things and I have him stuck in my head for saying massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't believe that's correct to say massage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of those clips that keeps unraveling and giving more because every now and then I'll think of another part of it and I'll be like, I marvel. So sensitive. So it took it. It took like months just me thinking about how he said that. Yeah. And now I'm thinking about how he was jerking off with his brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I think about that part of it for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I think about he's so hard and he has to tell everybody, Hey, do you want to see me do this? Cause if you want, if you're interested, there's a date and time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who's like, oh, me, I wanna see. There's a few guys. I wanna see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, were you so nervous you didn't ask him the stuff you wanted to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Gashville, Tennessee. I just added a seventh show because everything else is sold out. So, Thursday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, seventh show, and that'd be it, I'm not adding any more guys. And then down in Des Mois, Iowa, The Funny Bone in April, and then I go to LOL in San Antonio, Tejas in July. And I think there's more stuff coming. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How quickly did that descend into just J and your D stuff? OnlyFans, from what I hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on though, I have a better idea. Okay. What if you had a live event and you sold tickets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, just for them watching you J or D, do you think people would show up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the second part to this, is that could you legally have a show where you invite people and you're like jerk off with me. And it's like an arena, you could do Madison Square.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it would be like, who can last the longest in the crowd? Oh god. And like the last guy, the last guy jerking. It's like last comic standing, but it's last guy jerking. Is that the pitch we're doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe when you're, yea, if your career suddenly takes a turn, that's how you're gonna feed the family. Just public jerks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what's nice about him? Is that he's inclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's like, I accept all types, which is really a good positive message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he's the internal monologue, the unspoken internal monologue of every red-blooded heterosexual male. Kind of. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying that most people have an override in the brain. Everybody does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, you know what he was starting to do? He was starting to make chili. And he was making a Frito pie. You know what I mean? He forgot what he was cooking. For a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to make the thing. Yeah, he goes, it turned, it started as a sundae and then it went into chili. Yeah. I put some, some chips on it and some sour cream. Oh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, maybe he needs a cooking show next. Yeah. Wouldn't that be awesome to watch the horny guy cooking show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's so important these days. Cause that's all I see on social media is like, you're beautiful. Celebrate you, be you, be an individual. And he really does reinforce that message. You're right, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the quarantine has made him creatively inspired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like that, I, I still wish they were calling him a waffle. I know. I can see cause he's like chunky and. Yea. It's like, I don't know. It's a great term. It makes sense, like how you fucking waffle. Yea, it's just like how they use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I wish I was British. So cool. So into royalty and the crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I have to say I watched The Sinner with Jessica Biel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am so traumatized and I forced myself to finish the first season. Like you know when you don't like something and you keep watching it anyways?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I'm traumatized and I keep thinking about the show and I don't like it. I can't watch these shows. It affects me too much. So I'm out. I'm out. I'm done with liking murder stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the one you were watching last night where it was like mommy mommy mommy and I'm like I'm trying to sleep and I hear like a woman getting murdered and her son is watching or something. Didn't I say something to you? Are you watching this? Is this happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this doesn't make you upset, you don't, you don't worry about, you don't, like for me I connect it to my own, I go, oh my gosh, I have my child crying and I'm dead, would it really affect me? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should bring it up with my shrink. Cause I'm so like, uuuh. Really? I get really scared watching these things. I don't like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and then I'm doing irreversible damage, then psych- Believe me. Psychiatrically, psychologically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just the mom, cause, you know, they come from us. I know, it's different. And I'm like, when I'm away from them, I physically ache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Well, allow me to- That was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Right. What words of wisdom? You want your dick from the trash, but you don't want your pussy to smell. Yep. Which is another way of saying what? You can't, oh, if you lay down with dogs, you get the fleas, right? Right. Same shit, different toilet, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know where you're going. So, I had this moment in, in Pustin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saturday early show, my apologies, I actually had to rap early. I got off stage five minutes earlier than I normally would because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I had eaten, uh, a veggie tray backstage, so it had time to work through me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm on stage and I'm like, it's at the end and I start to feel the gurgles down there. And I thought, this is for sure a massive turd. This is a big brown turd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna wrap this up, cause I'm gonna explode here. So I go off stage, I go to the green room, I sit down. No brown. Just wind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, which occurs to me and I go, hey, how does my b-hole trick me so much? Because it's never tricked me like that, except when I've sharted. When I thought it was just a fart, but then I sharted, but I've never had it where I thought it was a brown and then it's just a fart. Have you had that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to, and then after two episiotomies, it's completely different. So now I, this is when I started, I never really sharted until after I had children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does your asshole know to decipher between liquid gas and solid? How does it know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it. I mean, I just felt betrayed by my asshole for the first time. Not the first time, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want the chasing to last a long time, and I want to be sweaty, but I have to catch you in the end. If I don't catch you then you won't get paid. But you can't let me catch you and be easy about it, and if you do you won't get paid. This one's a Shakespeare, eh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how he's like, give me a high five. One hand high five, or both hands high five. It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to chase someone. You mean specifically a woman, a vulnerable, helpless woman who doesn't know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a really cool guy heavy episode. It's a very cool episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got some Clinique perfume there on the counter and a card that says he's loved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good news is you can get a funnel cake like you always like after, if it's an amusement park. Okay, the old horror jerks you off in a park. Or, you do the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last jerk standing. Comic standing, where you invite people to the arena and they watch you masturbate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm asking you, do you want to make money or do you want to do it privately and everyone in the park's gonna see you get jerked off? You're gonna get seen either way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then TMZ shows up and is like, Tom Segura got jerked off in the park by the old whore. And then now, you know, that's out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or watch your dad jerk off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Done. I'll take Fedsmoker all the way. What? First of all, what's it like to have sex with somebody on that? You know, you've dated whores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like did they, is he able to have an erection?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, both scenarios are going to ruin sex for me. Both of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, cause knowing how I get traumatized psychologically, that's more for me than like a bad experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tell, you, would you watch your parents come? Well, you're not answering, I'm asking. Babe, I'm telling you, my answer is easy. I would rather, what, do Fed Smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would. I would. Because here's the deal man, is that once a guy is getting his dong touched, it's like different, like they calm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take my chances, I think the trauma from that incident will be far less than seeing my parents have orgasms every day. Well what do you, what would, you obviously would choose your parents?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Chris Larson? He's the most normal of us. Chris, you're balanced emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least hepatitis. He's definitely got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're, you're, you're really focused on the physical damage. Of course. The physical harm here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my goodness, what would I have done this year, and I think the last


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five years with having children without DoorDash. We love DoorDash. I use it, I would say, at least once a day. We order coffee from Dunkin' on DoorDash. We order food from the Cheesecake Factory. You name it. Do you need deodorant? They can deliver it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, everything you need whenever you need it with DoorDash. Ordering is so easy. You just open the DoorDash app. Choose what you want from where you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your items will be safely left outside your door with a contactless delivery drop-off setting. With over 300,000 partners in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Canada, and Australia, you can support your neighborhood go-tos or choose from your favorite national restaurants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH, that's 25% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up to $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code YMH. Don't forget, that's code YMH for 25% off your first order with DoorDash. Subject to change, terms apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think he's like, even if you see them as Jays, you're the one that's the problem. But it's like, no, we're seeing the stereotypes of Jays. Like that exists. Are stereotypes fucked up? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And look, we're not the first people to point out, like we're not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not seeing penises in Denver airport all day. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not the first person to be like, that's fucking racist, or that's this sexist and that. We're not those people. But that one was like, whoa dude, that one looked totally J.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did. Like a stereotypical Shylock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like an Israeli guy? Like what's he like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? I love hearing how stupid he is all in one big compilation. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one brings joy to my heart. That's a joyful song. It's so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, you can't help but laugh and smile when Tony John's is around in a song like that. That was fire bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do makeup and I have pictures taken and everything. They, someone had to fuck up her shadowing so bad. Yeah. And then the light hit it. But I think it might have been intentional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we, can we address a topic here that makes me laugh so hard? Nadav, will you please tell the audience what you enlightened us to before the show today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, but being obese isn't that hard, right? Like the first tier of fatness? Very, very easy. Right, so what's considered obese? Like 15? Isn't it 30?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Severely obese. Now do you think Burt qualifies for the vaccine? Is he considered severely obese or just obese?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's so funny. I don't know why that makes me laugh so hard that you're severely obese. Cause I look at you, I don't see you as severely obese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I didn't know cows could even kick like that. Did you know that? I've never seen a cow do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this one's actually funny. I was hoping this was a Hungarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White veganism, guys. Check your privilege. Point of personal privilege. Tom, did you know that Mr. Potato Head is no more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hold on, the packaging still identifies that as a male. He still has his mustache on, so how is that truly gender neutral?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're still calling him Mr. Potato. That's kinda funny. It's at the bottom of the package now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pencil. Oh. It looks like a Chola brow. He's doing the thin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it looks nice. Yeah. I actually like him without eyebrows, is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's a, it's a metamorphosis. It's like, yeah, I like that. You know, they used to do this in the sixties. They would have people do rebirth things as a way of, uh, washing away prior trauma. But also I get to see if they did a good job. Right. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still laughing at severely obese. I didn't know there were many distinctions to levels of obesity, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the year I had our first son. So we both gained pregnancy weight together. Yea, I gained some pregnancy weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not a medical show. It's not intended to give medical advice. Tom is not a medical doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see a gay bear, and he's got a, he's got a chicken, and he's, he's looming up the chicken. I know where this is going. I don't like it. He's massaging the chicken with cream. Oh no. He's like bathing it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thanks. But you know what though, I think uhm, cause I lived in San Francisco. Yeah. I'm so used to gay male behavior. Sure. Like absurdly gay male.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, get those dogs out that you watch on your sports sesh shows, and put like a bunch of good looking ladies talking about stuff and saying things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's totally a legitimate thing, like, hey, you're above 18, great, do you wanna cuddle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like what's happening? And this is also new, the invitation to cuddle. That is a new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To qualify as severely obese for the vaccine. It makes sense. It makes all kinds of sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm married. You tell me. You tell me, am I allowed? You tell me. Look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people, it's not cheating. Look, am I allowed to have phone sex with other people? Am I allowed to do webcam girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there webcam guys? I imagine so. Okay. Uhm, you tell me what the boundaries are when I go meet him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, am I allowed to cuddle with him? I'm coming to get that booty! Can I cuddle with him when he's shirtless? Or is that? Yea, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say the king looks good here though. I like his glasses. He looks, he looks handsome with that. I like it. You looking good, King?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, of course. You know what, I am actually curious about who he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What his interests are, what his life is like, aren't you?


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[Assistant] Right now, yeaah. But I kind of want to go to his hometown so he can really show me. You want to see the kingdom? Yeaah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Sire. Sire. Yeah. Your majesty. I want to know his habit. I want to see him in his natural habitat. That's what I want. Like where does he go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 100%. I want to see the natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's men who are generally killing women, so I'm afraid that it's gonna happen to me, you understand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, wait, do I masturbate to murder shows? No, sicko, no, no I don't. I get scared, I get, I get traumatized, I think about the show a lot, and that's why, but I liked it for a minute, yea, in the beginning it was titillating, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be safe to, it's probably safe to say her wires are crossed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would kill you slowly like that too, but not with arsenic because it's detectable in an autopsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's interesting about the difference between Judy and Eileen is that Judy would, I mean uhm, is the physical stuff of like, I'm gonna come up to a man and shoot him and stab him. Well yes, it's the violence. Difference. Way more violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it does make sense, like, if you had to pick a victim, the elderly, kind of a perfect target, no? Yea, I mean, they're on their way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well and also I imagine transitioning in prison not easy. You don't have access to good makeup, or medicine, or hormones, so it's gotta be tough for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I mean Caitlyn Jenner had the best of the best working on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, so that's not a bad idea, so when I kill a bunch of women and children, then I'm like, I'm a guy, and then they have to put me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I really, I'm really good. I don't think I need a month. I think these Instagram holidays are just, you know when everybody's like, today is National Secretary Day, like no it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, climate change is a racial justice problem. God darn it. Yep. Okay, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know, SNL just did a sketch about this, how girls stay home and they love watching a murder show. And it's true, white women do, we love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I gotta talk about it with my shrink. I don't know, it scares me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you serious? Because, okay, like Silence of the Lambs, that movie, I've seen that one a lot and that one still messes me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. Who am I talking to? I like The Monster. The Monster's good. That was a great movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I like the idea that she's murdering, uh, yeah, John, so it's cool. And she's got a girlfriend, and she's trying to live her best life. Big deal, she's trying to do good. Trying to do gooder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[Assistant] So you can keep your fridge stocked and skip the trip to the store. We love freshly. We have freshly meals right now in our fridge. Uh, my husband loves the sausage baked penne. That's a favorite. And we love the chicken. It's everything is amazing. So far we've had such an easy time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ordering is super easy. You visit Freshly.com and choose from over 30 delicious, satisfying, better for you meals.


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[Assistant] Right now Freshly is offering our listeners $40 off your first two orders when you go to Freshly.com slash mom. Stop stressing out about dinner. Go to Freshly.com slash mom for $40 off your first two orders. That's Freshly.com slash mom for $40 off your first two orders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, and I think it, it's replenished my interest in murder shows. I'm gonna go back to it. But under your tutelage, I need you to show me the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something now? I'm still afraid from the Night Stalker. Like every time I see that one come up on Netflix, I get scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just easier to have sex with guys because they're down to have sex more. Exactly. It's just access.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, use it responsibly. If you want to seduce a lady or a man, in your case, another man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? It's not gay. Stop it. Stop judging yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I have with you, when you were like, when we first started dating and you'd be like, I'm gonna smash your fucking head in, I'm gonna kill you and rip your eyes out, I like you so much. I was like, that's definitely a red flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's aggressive, because women aren't aggressive like this, and when they are, it's definitely notable. You're like, woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is totally true. That's my favorite lane to that, where they're addressing one person and they don't understand that the entire world sees their talk. Like, Damien!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the guy, he's a pick-up artist, and this is how he's teaching men how to FaceTime on a FaceTime date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like just a ter- he's such a douchebag, like he's a stereotypical douchebag. He's like the dojo teacher at Cobra Kai. He's just a douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was sad and he's shirtless. Like I wish you would have put on a shirt for this discussion. Um, and also like, when do you have the talk with somebody? It really brings up an interesting question. When do you bring up exclusivity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, it's like what to do with walking on your child when they're masturbating. Oh, I didn't realize I was sorry for interrupting. You're masturbating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well duh, but do you think they'd even be like sorry for interrupting? That's embarrassing enough?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that is a tough one when you walk in on, I walked in on my parents having sex, not with each other, but with other people, and usually my dad would scream at me, get out! And then you're like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I did walk in on my dad JNSD one time. I think I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see it, I didn't see his hand, cause he wasn't turned towards me, he was turned towards the wall. Man. Yeaah. Did you ever see your dad Jay in his seat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. Babe, I think that's too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, can you have a talk with them? Like, can't they just come in like tissues or something and then throw the tissues in the trash or burn them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't come on everything, just come on tissues, like a civilized person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is an NRE, guys. So back in the polyamory lane. Oh wow, what's ENM?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ethical non-monogamy. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is polyamory, I guess the question is. Okay. Okay. It's a, well, anyway, she can't wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so upsetting to do this. It's so unnaturally weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for those just listening, it says, hi, off topic, but you're so pretty. And that was her response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she should appreciate a compliment. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know what it is, but I like it. That was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy is Kevin Samuels. He's been floating around TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll break women down so much who think they're awesome and he's like, first of all, you got two kids, two different men, nobody wants to buy you. Your value is like at a four right now. Market value, you're like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody wants to be cared for, right? And your spouse, your man, your whatever, I take care of you. And I see that as a form of submission, whatever, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, if I were like an alpha at home, I wouldn't be like that maybe. Like, would I be like, fuck you, I'm not cooking for you. I'm the, I work for a living, you know, like some women wouldn't switch at home and be, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So also like, I've gone down the lane of black tiktok and it's pretty fucking amazing. So this is one of the things that's happening in the black tiktok world and people are making fun of Kevin Samuels too and parodying and it's great, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, to be considered a ten, look, regardless of what race you are, you're a model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's that actress that's getting all the money on OnlyFans? Bella Thorne. Bella Thorne, arguably a 10, would you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's gross. I think it's, yeah, it's gross to tell people you're awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's so true. So either way, calling yourself a 10. It's gross. It's just not attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, I've been down every dark corridor of TikTok, haven't found that lane of talk yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I mean, I've seen some Muslims extremist stuff on Tik Tok, but I haven't seen the grooming videos. I'd like to come across them if I may. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You don't think the guy's dojo in his apartment is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh-uh. No. I would not take a camera off. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, I love these. You know I could do this all day. Thank you, my sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this lady is new on TikTok and she's learning how TikTok works, this lady. And so people have been asking for shout outs and stuff and she'll be like, guys, don't send me this many shout outs. I can only do one at a time. Like she really is adjusting to life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello, we're best friends and we're here eating at Olive Garden. And the retard finally left. There was a tard stalking us. And I think he's behind us in the bushes now, I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just watched a show and you accepted my offer for dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't wait till the snow melts. I would love to take you to dinner. If you would like, I would take you to the Olive Garden. We can sit and have dinner. Nothing fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can ask anything you'd like. We can have a nice dinner and a nice conversation. You get to know what the king's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the night's still young, if you would like, we can go do something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you want to do. There's a lot of nice parks around the area. Or we could just sit outside and talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a beautiful day, my queen. I can't wait till the snow melts. I love you, my queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Tom. And no, she don't have to show her boobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would probably survive any famine situation you could put me in for quite some time and, most importantly, famed Swedish painter Anders Zorn would have loved me for a model. So, who can be sad about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, it looks like it does hit the car, yea. Oooooh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva. It is our favorite mattress company and I highly recommend investing in getting great sleep. You spend so much of your life sleeping, why not do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On an environmentally friendly, incredibly luxurious, and also not just a great mattress, but incredible customer service from this company. We've been sleeping on their mattresses for years now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Best of all, they're passing on incredible savings to you. If you go to satva.com, s-a-a-t-v-a dot com slash


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shit. You get $225 off any mattress of your choice. Satva.com slash the shit. Get $225 off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any mattress of your choice, go right now and get yourself something amazing to sleep on. And we're back chomos. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. She's Christina P. I'm Tommy Buns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a great show for you today. Oh my god. Fire guest. Fire dog. Shit slaps. This shit fucks hard. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I faded like real short here and a little bit longer there and a little longer below it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, what if I just parasailed everywhere? Yeah, you could, totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it'll ever get old to me. It'll ever not be funny to watch somebody on like laughing gas. Yeah, coming out of it and saying wild shit. I'm almost, aren't you kind of curious what you would say? Cause I've seen so many of these now. I'm like, I wonder where my mind would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a perfect unplanned segue into my post of my old headshots. If you go to my Instagram, uh, and pull them up, uh, we can talk about the hilarious memes and, um, yeah, also the fact that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That yep, there you go. There you go. Right there. So I posted these on a throwback Thursday and can I tell you something that people don't realize though? And I understand why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They think that. Uhm, so these are like, you pull through these. You're a baby. That's a baby right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well just before I turned 23. These are all after I turned. These are between 23.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, no, I'm just kidding. No, no. But uhm, yeaah, that's probably, I'm probably like 23, maybe 24.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because of the photo. Everyone thinks that I have like a nine foot forehead. I held a photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you get headshots, when you come to Los Angeles and you're like, I want to be an actor or whatever, you have theatrical headshots and commercial headshots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea is that a commercial headshot is going to be more, uhm, generic, mainstream, uhm, it's supposed to be like, could you put like, fucking groceries in this next year and be like, I like to drink this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a choice being made, as far as like, well, look pensive, or, you know, or smoldering, or sexy, or fierce, or sexy, or, uh, like, you know, character, like what, like picture a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, you're playing this part. In commercial, they're like, be affable and welcoming and smile. And smile big, yeah. So that's definitely that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his comment there, yup. Uhm, next photo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, now that was definitely a theatrical shot. Can I tell you what I remember about this photo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the guy being like, so what are these, like, what are these for, the photographer? And I go, you know, like commercial photographs and theatrical. And he was like, you need to look like you're going to be in an action movie. Like act, like try to be like, try to get a part in, like, he's like, oh yeah, you're a Navy seal. Took his picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, can I tell you something? When I see this photograph, I think that guy's gonna fuck me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think- Would you fuck you at this age? Well, I think that guy might do it as like a sympathy thing, you know? Like as a favor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh believe me, the whole county was thinking that. Now, uh, next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, uh, post got some heat. I mean, I thought it was a fun idea to use like headshots and then use a final picture like this. Here's what everybody thinks. They all go, oh, it's chronological. So they go, what, like, this is how you fall apart. This photo, the, the photo that right there, that was first, that's when I was 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm a sophomore in college right there. I'm on a cruise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on a cruise and the other guys in the photo look worse than me. I cut them out to not ruin their lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not donut-free. And also I was like, I should get back into drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just, so what I ended up doing was like, I'm never gonna, I was of the mentality that like, you know, ODing is terrifying, right? And then after some time, you're like, I want to like still, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend, like as we're going through security to get on the cruise ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I have a half ounce on me. And you go through, uh, a fucking, what's it called? Um. X-ray? Yea. And they go, and they scan your bags, I'm like, where? He's like, right here. Like, in his hand. I was like, what? And we're walking through security, and you're 20 years old, you're kind of scared of how it could go, and I was like, uh-oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets it through and then we start smoking weed in our room and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we meet other people to smoke weed. We're smoking weed and getting fucked up every night, obviously. And that night, we got absolutely shitfaced. The next day, we get a knock on our door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a security, the cruise ship security.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, shuts the door and he goes, I'm gonna talk to you guys for a minute. We're like, okay, he goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know there's marijuana in here. Our hearts th- I mean, you know, we're kids. We're college kids. And we're like, what? He's like, I can smell it. I was in a band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm cool. Yeaah. Okay, he goes, let's just, you know, don't wanna, like, when we get to this port, they're gonna bring dogs on, like, you might as well, let's deal with this now, so it doesn't evolve into something greater. And we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we did have weed, but uhm, you know, we finished it, so that smell is from like when we had it. And he was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like fair enough, blah, blah, blah, and just kind of wrapped it up and left. So when he leaves, of course, we're all like, oh my God, you know, they're going to bring dogs in here. We're going to be so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a half ounce down the course. And we were like, what? He's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but we ended up meeting other people who had weed, so we ended up smoking. But that was like a terrifying thing. But what I want to make clear is the fat guy is first chronologically in those photosets. Just so we know. And then he lost weight, got cuter. And then I got fat again, and those are other photos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, on that cruise, I still got some chicks. That fat, I still. I remember I got together with this chick who was 27, and when you're 20, 27 sounds like 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a cruise of college people. I mean, we're all fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. I didn't have sex with her. What'd you do? We just messed around. Bleh. Made out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and she was like, uh, yeah. And I don't blame her. I don't blame her. She made out with this fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is from Omidesus. It says GHB from the jug sagura. These are the memes that came from this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny. It's so ridiculous. I should have them at my shows, at my live shows. Be like, do you want to post? They're like, oh yea, it's a tour poster, uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too funny. Then this one, let's see. Son of Fed Smoker put me on Brad Pitt's body with Jen Aniston. That looks great. Yep. And then let's see here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Cool Guy Club, but visited the Virgin Islands, now they're just the island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very funny, uh, what did, uh, Mr. Clavicles, he named every photo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a really good one too, man. And you're not wrong. No. This is back to square one. Alright, that was very, very fun. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uh, you had a little accident that we didn't really get to talk about. What? You had an accident and you're panicking.


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[Assistant] Can I tell you something? Sure. It's gross and then like when you, the last couple sentences really turn me on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, one time I got puked on. At a, at like a fair, like a county fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like a month. So this happened to be the month when I was 15 or 16 where I was wearing a wife beater under my t-shirt. Thank God. Thank God. Cause it was like, you know, I'd see like whatever. I was in Florida and like, Oh, Florida people. I don't know. I just had it on. And then, so we're at the state fair and it's the, um, what's it called? The, uh, the one that goes, the rainbow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one that goes around that has a ferris wheel, but where the ferris wheel is a pod that also spins. You know what I'm talking about? You get into a little compartment and it's a ferris wheel, but not only does it go around in that clock motion, but each


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those compartments also spins as it's going up and around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was, it was like, I actually, I mean, I'm surprised I don't still wear a wife beater to this day because I was able to take my t-shirt off and throw it in the trash and then have, uh, uh, my wife beater on and I walked around like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Well I mean, it's appropriate, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, uh, let's take a look at, cause everybody is so excited about. Oh, we first of all. Chitano de mierda is what you said. Chitano de mierda is a gypsy piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show stopped. And they were like, this guy gets it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it called? What was that opener called? The girl? Oh, here we go, okay. I just wanted to play it because we didn't play the whole thing.


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[Assistant] God, that's so fantastic. That's amazing. That's amazing. Ah, I love Sophia a lot. Sophia, you get it now.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Cause it clips like that on our show. Cause I had the same thought, you know, especially like I remember when, you know, Ellis was a few or whatever months old or a year old, we're watching something together. I was like, that'd be so cool if I popped on screen right now. I was like, Hey boys, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy has a clip of a person putting a diet coke in their ass and pushing out. I know. Whoops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the big titted animal challenge is really, really, really making people happy. And we're so happy that you're happy. It really makes me laugh too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it continues. Uhm, this is of course the challenge where you call your partner a big titted animal and then you record them and see what kind of reaction you get. So it's been a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a long time. Here's Ben with his submission.


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[Assistant] She's sweet. Yeaah. What? Yeaah. She's not used to being called that at all.


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[Assistant] Uhm, here's Emma. Emma and mum? Oh, with her mum?


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[Assistant] That's a woman who's used to hearing crazy shit from her man. For sure.


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[Assistant] Here's Spencer and Alyssa.


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[Assistant] Love it. If you want to send yours in, uh, your mom's podcast at gmail.com. No house. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Very.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible, there's this one that I saw, I think you showed it to me, this little tiny Asian lady went to a steakhouse and just devoured the bread roll, the bread loaf, the salad, an appetizer, and like a 50 ounce steak, and then everybody in the restaurant was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd think quite a while. I think it would take quite a while. Holy shit. Uhm, are you gonna do what I asked you to do or not?


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[Assistant] Perfect. Look at this perfect photo of you speaking of headshots. Speaking of headshots. This is a perfect one.


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[Assistant] I'm very happy, like it pleases me that you're gonna do it. Yea, I know. And I think it's a perfect, like, it shows me that you're probably ready for the next phase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I think the next phase for me would be uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting some like, serious, serious tits in you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like three sizes bigger than you have now. And like where they're really like up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we're gonna do tit implants to like a G or J. And then we do like a throat chest piece. And then we're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like it starts at the throat and then it goes down to your chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm thinking something similar to this. Right here, there's a demon on your throat that's screaming and he's reaching down and grabbing your new big tits. So you see his, like, claws come down and grab your tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course you can. You think these people don't have kids? Of course they do. Oh my god that's hot. Tom. I'm gonna bust two nuts right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, we'll have them come to the session. So they can watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks perfect on you right there. And you can do this too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. This is working on all of them and it's going to work on you too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I disagree. And uhm, I think we'll do the tits first and then we'll do the tats after. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that type of piercing goes with your tit job, not just the nose. Oh, bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. The general piercing goes with your tit job. I'll do it with your tit job. For real. No. Yes! It's not the same. It is the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. That was great. That was a woman on a treadmill who took off her hoodie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Quip. Maybe you're brushing, maybe you're flossing, but are you chewing gum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is correct. Gum is the unsung hero when it comes to better oral health. The American Dental Association, and they know a thing or two, they recommend chewing sugar-free gum for 20 minutes after meals. I mean, we all chew gum, right? Gum...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not all gum is created equal. That's the thing you gotta know. Some might be come in a fancy package, but they only cover up bad breath. Others are loaded with sugar and wreak havoc on your teeth. Luckily, the oral care experts at Quip have made a gum that stands out from the pack and one that can help prevent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Habities. Chew that gum, baby. Chew gum. Right now, if you go to getquip.com slash mom, right now you can get a free plastic dispenser with any refill plan. It's a free dispenser at getquip.com slash mom, spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom. Quip the Good Habits Company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. We are back with a great guest, uh, the greatest head of hair in the world of comedy. Let's talk about it. He belongs to the one and only Hassan Minhaj. I watched Ellen. How's it going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The names thing is, it's an interesting thing though, in showbiz and historically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I remember, like, those Polish names, I think, are actually the biggest motherfucker of, like, for me, of names that you can be like, what's difficult? Yeah. Once I see like a K and a Y and a Z, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Indian names are intimidating to like, like a white American who's lived in a white suburb. Yeah. You know, like they hear Indian names and they're like, what? I want to talk to Sean Pride, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny. I feel like I, I bet it's so annoying because even now I have, you know, I'm doing all this like PT, like physical therapy. And one of my therapists, her name is Mupara.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 30 days, so once, once a day for a month, 30 days. At night, like at the end of your day, you've done everything you need to do for the day. Yea, I've finished all those. Yea yea, you've finished. And then they're like, hey check your emails, you're like, alright I'm all set. You watch like a couple minutes of clips of just your parent's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We watched something new of his, new to us. He had like a new drop? He dropped, he's dropped, he dropped, uh, he has like 20, 62 channels. He's dead and he has more stuff. And so it's like Tupac fucking recordings. They're just like popping up, you know? And then I proposed the whole thing, and she was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no no no. He got rid of a lot of the people in his life. But I was like, oh, this scenario is horrible, which is fun for a would you rather. And then I was like, what would you rather do? I was like, I'd definitely rather watch


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually said, I'll get in the car and have sex with Fedsmoker. That's his name, Fedsmoker. And I was like, this is a hardcore drug user, like has done incredibly insane, reckless shit. Versus the discomfort of just seeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I remember like... What about when you had your, like, when you had Patriot Act? I mean, like, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was, they were like, oh no, all the shows are sold out. I was like, nuh-uh. Like, at the time I had not heard of him. I was like, they're all sold out. And they were like, yeah. And I go, who is that? I thought it was like one of these things, you know, just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I get there, and I mean, the shows weren't just filled out, they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you ever had this conversation. At all. I should have, I should have like understood this before, but it took the conversation with Netflix before I understood that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like uhm, a game show on Netflix? Or like a, like a baking show? Or whatever you wanna call it. Like, hey, who can, who can sculpt the wood the fastest? Those shows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even then, you know the funny thing is, his like meteoric rise to fame is really attached to a sketch show. You know what I mean? Like he is a great stand up, but the reason he's super famous, it's still cause of that show man. Like that's why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a bummer the, uh, nationally, like just the businesses that you're like, oh, this business, like this person's whole thing is ruined. It's just gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you ever have bad neighbors in Manhattan, like in New York?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's such a, you're such a tight, it's such a, the difference between LA and New York is like, you're shoulder to shoulder with people in New York, and in LA, you're like in your car, like, ehh, like, you're like that, but I feel like there's always, there's always like a, a social, like a neighborly thing that happens in New York that you really can't mimic here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that deeply sad? Yeaah. Or even like some, you know, I forget where I was, somewhere with like a zoo or uhm, no, I think it was when I was in Australia and somebody was like, we were seeing like a penguin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At an exhibit, and at the aquarium, and somebody said something like, hold on, hold on, uhm, I didn't get that, with my phone. And somebody else goes, you could just use your eyes, and remember it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, not all the time. I used to do it more. He's the king of the collapse. I feel like I'm the king of don't engage, and don't give someone pleasure. But sometimes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes you do have to tell someone to go fuck themselves, you know? And that's kind of fun to do. It's not a dialogue. It's just go fuck yourself, you know? Like get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, you're being racist towards oats. And, uh, this is fucked up. If you don't like oat milk, fuck you. You write this whole thing out. No, no, I say it. I say it. Like, in my stories. I just go like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm talking about milk. And so then I, like a couple hours later I go, I want to apologize. You want to say all oats matter. I meant to say all milk matters. Gotcha. And I apologize. I was super fucked up. I'm an idiot. I apologize to everybody in the world. All milk matters. 2% whole milk. I started listing milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the funny thing is- And then you saw you tripled out and then that got worse? Well, the whole thing is, a lot of people are like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's what it's like to try to navigate on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is, the origins are always from a good place. Like the idea of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thrill of conflict. Without any of the consequences. With none of them. His special is fantastic, by the way. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys know all about ExpressVPN. We've talked about it before. I can't stress enough the importance of protecting your online activity from big tech who track and spy and profit off of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they only allow certain shows to be viewed in certain countries. You're not allowed if you live in the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe watch certain shows that are shown in Netflix France, or Netflix India, or Netflix Japan, but with ExpressVPN, you can hide where you are, you can tell them you're in that country, and you can watch the Netflix shows that they don't let you watch here. It's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be smart guys. Protect your data and stop paying full price for streaming services while only getting access to a fraction of their content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visit ExpressVPN.com slash Your Mom right now and get three extra months of their service for free. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash Your Mom. ExpressVPN.com slash Your Mom. Visit it now to learn more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm a hairy, nasty, gross guy, and I take sloppy, hot, chocolatey dumps, and there's just no way to feel clean without a high-powered pressure hose smearing, like getting that smeary shit off of my asshole, and that's what I use my tissue for, it's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He brings this jacket that fits. Like, sometimes that jacket is, it feels like, you know, like this is it. Yeaah, off the rack, just perfect. He goes, but this one's kind of expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, it's alright. And it's a jacket. It's a jacket. It's five grand. And I was like, damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is expensive. And it's not the right color. It's not a Dior dress. It's not the right color. So we're gonna have to get it. First he goes, I'll ask the company that makes this if they'll make it in blue. And he reaches out to them and they said they will make it like a custom one in blue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, he's like, uh, we can look into dying this incredibly expensive jacket, which I have not purchased. I'm like, I don't know man, that's really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go to some fancy department store in London and I buy like 10 more. Like, and I have them shipped. The exact same. In a panic about what's the jacket I'm gonna wear. Yeah. For the special. Okay. I send them all, they all kind of, I get it, I start taking pictures and sending it to Seth. He's like, I thought we had you. I go, no, no, it's gotta be this. It's gotta be this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me get back and I go, I guess, he shows me the now, the dyed leather and I go, that does look amazing. And then I start having panic about wearing leather. I'm like, I can't wear leather? Why? I don't know. I just go like, he's not at a leather place. He's not a leather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get in there and I pull out my options. I brought like multiples for the special. Yeah. And then I put on the jacket that I'm wearing. It's a jacket that I've owned for a couple years and I go, I'm just gonna wear this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just like the jacket. Let me tell you exactly how it went. So I go in the store, I actually buy her jewelry. And then they're like, what about like something for you? And I was like, I'm not really looking for anything. And then I go, you know what I would like? And I describe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A chain that's simple and clean. And they go, we don't have that. What about this? And I immediately go, that's not me. Which is the chain that I buy. It's behind you on that screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait hold on, let's analyze, what's the look? Listen though, listen, I go, I go, that's not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me get there. So, so then I go, no, no, no. And uh, I give it back. Uh huh. And the guy's like checking me out on the jewelry that I'm buying her. Yes. And then he's like, man, that shit sure looks good on you. Right. And I was like, I'm not really, I swear to you, I swear to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, when I bring it back, the lady's like, why are you returning this? And I was like, cause I feel ridiculous. Yeah. Wearing it. Yeah. And she was like, it looks great. And I go, it doesn't, it's not me though. She goes, no, no, it is you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do this? Do you do this in your house? Like my mother, this is a very Latin thing, where she's like, like for her, like I don't think there's a difference between me and like Elon Musk for her. Like you have money. She goes, you have money. So then like, she'll be like, why don't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. He's like, will you please buy me one? And I'm like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess so. Yea. And then you send that and then like a week or two later she's like, I saw these eatings today. Can you buy them for me? I'm like, what is this? Is this like a wishlist thing? Damn bro. It's just like, send me stuff. And then if you go like- She calls you like you're a first year NBA player. Yes. Yeaah. Like you just got to the league. Yes. And then she goes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then she'll be like, then she'll call me like, don't worry, I'm not calling to ask you for some present. But it's all about, if you are successful at any level, you can afford it. And you should be buying the rest of the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our dads are different because, uh, when I was like, yea, I'm looking at cars, and this is like, I like cars, and we talk about cars, he's like, you know what you really should get? This is my father, who's a financial advisor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like, what? And he goes, a Ferrari. And I was like, what the fuck? What? He's like, I go, uh, I wasn't looking at that, I was looking at, like, other cars, and he was like, those aren't that special though, you know, like a, I was like, who's this for? Am I buying this for me? He's like, uh, he's like, well, you know, a Ferrari, just keep that, you'll just, that'll be something you just don't ever forget, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. What? No. I mean he's retired. He just retired a couple years ago, but yea. And it would always advise, you know, like making smart financial decisions. So I was like, are you for real? He also told me one time that it made sense for me to buy a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, no, I go, that can't make sense. And he goes, a lot of pro golfers do it. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm not on the PGA tour. And he goes, yeah, but you're traveling all the time. I think it would really make a lot of sense. At the time, when he said that, I called my business manager. So I go, this is crazy. But my dad said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, plain thing. And the guy's like, well, let me look into it. Calls me back, he goes, yeah, it really could make sense. And I go, are you fucking insane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I have you guys to tell me not to do shit like this. And they're like, yeah, no, you could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a old used. And I was like, but how would that, and then I started to propose scenarios. I'm like, cause this, how about this cost and that cost. And like after the third conversation, they're like, yeah, yeah, I could see how it's not that smart to do. I'm like, why do I pay you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You asked the question, now you're like, what's going on here? It's that I just love hip-hop so much, and I go, I wanna be, you know, in hip-hop. So that's why I want Chains, and Jordans, and... But here's the good news, Austin, is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's totally true. I mean, and then like, like my American dad, I don't think I've ever seen more than like $60 in the house or on him. You know what I mean? Never had cash. Never. Credit everything. Everything was like, well everything is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The immigrant mentality is like, don't trust anything. Don't trust anything. But keep this, someone, it could go away. The white guy... Government instability is very common. Yea, yea. But the American who grew up here, who was born here, who was like 50, 60 years old, just goes like, why would you want cash? Put it in the bank. They'll take care of it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neither? Damn. I mean, I definitely, I get along really well. Like, I don't have any, like, combative stories with my father. You know what I mean? Like, we get along so well. Yeah, his dad's really nice. He's a really sweet guy. My mom- You never had like a Simba Mufasa father?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean I had a couple things, but like my mom and I fought all the time, well into adulthood, very combative, but she's a very combative person. She's really fun and really funny, but much like a provoker, like a poke you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] English, uh, but I, I, I did dream in Spanish when I studied abroad, like after like four or five months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's by design from whoever is above because as people, their hormones kinda go down and they become, like, they get easier to be around. They totally do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, I mean that's why we went through it. I feel like the one place that I have like a pretty, pretty level head about is like on stage where I go, you don't want to take away from like the show and the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. You don't want the outfit to be better than. No. So I try to make it like pretty monotone and just like you look clean but like not, not loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, look at what he's wearing. I think that's smart when the, like, um, like Rogan wears long sleeves, right? He's got tattoos. It's like, why give another distraction? Plus you guys are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is brought to you by Whoop. We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try and sleep better, eat better.


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[Assistant] Live healthier lives, especially with summer coming up and beach season around the corner. We don't always know how our body is feeling and the insight you get from your whoop is truly incredible. It's like having a team of people that study the way your body works and how your behaviors affect your body give you data.


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[Assistant] And you just get to study, oh, when I drink this or when I don't exercise and when I do this, I don't sleep as well. And you get to start making changes for a healthier life.


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[Assistant] By really taking in that data and making decisions afterwards.


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[Assistant] For our listeners today, if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot, there's no better time to give it a shot. For our listeners, you can save 15% off a whoop with the code yourmom.


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[Assistant] Go to whoop, w-h-o-o-p dot com and use code your mom. That's y-o-u-r-m-o-m at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself.


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[Assistant] Do you drink anything else? Are you like, strictly, are you just a water guy? Yeaah, just water. Just water and coffee. I do a lot of coffee though. Oh, you do coffee, okay. By the way, you work with my ex right now, uhm, cause aren't you shooting with Jen Aniston? On the Moonshot? Just one of my past flings. How is, how is she?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A great, great sitcom. Yeah, it's super funny. He also is outrageously charismatic and talented. Yes, it's so funny. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. And the show was great. The cast, Tommy and Gina. And I remember, did you watch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he was, he would stop in, cause he stopped in a year and a half ago, semi-regularly, but if you go back 10 years, he was stopping into the store and doing that, just absolutely destroying the place. Really? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that he bombed so hard. No way. No, Chris did. Chris rocked it. Right. So like Martin did like a 45 minute or hour set and then they're like, and now you're a headliner. Oh shit, no way dude. And he was like, I just ate shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happens is, he gets, he gets cut off in traffic, and, uh, it's unhinged. Yeah, perfect name for it. Unhinged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This motherfucker gets cut, he's having a bad day. He gets cut off by a mother, a single mother. And uhm, and then when she makes the turn, she's in another red light. So he pulls up next to her. And he's like, hey, roll the window down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And her son's in the back, and the window gets stuck down. And he's like, yeah, do you mean to do that, and this and that, and has it back and forth, and he goes, well, just like, apologize, and, you know, we'll move on. She goes, I didn't do anything wrong. She was honking at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm not apologizing. And he's like, no, if you don't apologize, like, you're gonna really regret it. And you're gonna have a horrible fucking day. And she's like, fuck you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it, I mean it definitely doesn't represent who they are. A great thing to watch though is that Apple, Apple Plus documentary. Is it great? It's fantastic. It's really good.