[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, because this is, this is fucking, show business is the most corrupt and stupid thing in the world. And that's just how people don't sleep with each other every day in this business for advantage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but I feel like it's at least a more honest...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta jerk off on this plan and you gotta watch. Okay, that's it. And then we're straight though. Everything's like on, on level. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, it's the Larry Flint School of Business where it's like, it's a, it's a contract. Look, I went to law school for two weeks. Here's what I learned. A contract is an exchange of something for something else, right? Very cut and dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. You give the guy a handjob, you get a part in the movie. It's so fucking clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I love how, you know, the, uh, look, Hollywood has never been known for being, uh, a non-corrupt horseshit business. You know, like, actresses are like, I can't believe it, he invited me to his hotel room. Why'd you go to his hotel room? Like, you know what I mean? You think that was where the business deal happens? Come on up. Yeah. Don't go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, the world is always gonna be full of creepers. I mean, I hope to some extent we can weed them out by shaming them like we are now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the, uh, pod, but the problem is your head is too big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks so good on me. See, first I was looking at me, look how good I look, and look at, it looks like a baby hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like baseball caps look good on you, but advanced hats, like the one I'm wearing, don't look good on you. This is like a varsity level hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this one I will because look how nice it looks. But look how good I look in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't se- I don't say those things. That's the hat you're wearing. This is not a Alabama football team hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, it's uh, you mean that the only people that wear these are roll tide people? Yes. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, yeaah, so he started it and I'm carrying the tradition on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's taking stuff to, to alter it, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their hearts don't have to work as much. I know. I've heard your heart. I put my head on your chest and it goes like this. It goes do do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they have, you've gone to where they do like the ultrasound and you can see it and you can see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I wish LA would do that. There are farts and toots everywhere!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they tend to attract, they attract a lot of people. It's a, it's a very accepting community. It's a catch-all community. And there's a little bit of mental illness in that community, I'd say. You think so? Uhm, some drug use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think overall it's a positive theme, like the whole thing is like, being accepting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very successful. They've got a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, excuse me, I think there was some discussion of like buying an island or something and having a central location for like all the juggalos to meet and you know, like Margaritaville kind of thing, like what Jimmy Buffett did. Right, right. So all the fans can be together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right! I missed that one. That was really funny. That was really funny. Yea, the jugglers, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Know that I think mistake number one is if you're going to sing a song, you may want to go in a nice soundproofed environment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just sit in your car even, with the windows up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same category. All he needs is a better producer. We gotta hook him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With like, what's that guy's name? Jimmy John? With Dr. Dre and that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, I like it because it's deep. It could be kind of a catchy punk industrial jam, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. I see him, like, he should be with like Rage Against the Machine or something. Like an angry...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I'd pair him with like, that kind of a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, like really powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we don't eat anything that smells like buttholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. He does. That's what I'm saying. There's some vision here, but he needs a strong producer like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, you're like the Jimmy Iovine of the Juggalo world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he, uhm, I really wish you would have played that earlier, cause I feel like that was the, that was the hook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get- I mean, you just smoke pot, right? Like, that's all that was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that stuff, what was that stuff? Like it's like some weird hallucinogenic, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this one's making me happy. Like, the douche, the guy like doing salvia at 40 in his backyard is kind of a bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything. Spinach. They're just like, it's not even good for them. Not tasty. And they love to eat everything that falls. Scrambled eggs. Chicken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we just have to have a crew follow them around. It's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she was a little reticent to even buy a new bra with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does remind me of the guy from, uh, Married and Dating, The Polyamory, that fighter that you just played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm intrigued and I'd like to see his face. I wonder why he's not showing his identity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, so I've got some shirts that, uh, that I designed, we designed these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's on Christina P online. There's a tab there. So cool. Check it out guys. I got some schoitz. I got a special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had him on here. Yeah, he's a great guy. He's great. Novo Theatre, Observatory in San Diego, and Observatory in Santa Ana. Let's see how comedy and country...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it. My wife first started dating when she had a kitten. And did you have a cat already? I had a dick. Oh, okay. I don't like cats. I don't, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't have any idea. And then when, where we lived in Hollywood, there was a lot of cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They became, you know, somebody would go, I'm moving in a month. I want, because they were Siamese, they were gorgeous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they go, I'm moving, save me one. Then they call me back and go, well, my roommate has an elephant, so now I can't have a cat. So I get stuck with the fucking cat. So I got stuck with like eleven of them at one time. And then I found homes for four of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five of them. How would you find homes? Different people, different girls, guys, acting classes, whatever. And then I moved to the valley with six. And I moved to the valley and there was one that started hanging around the house. Just hanging out with me at night. I would get home from the store and whistle. And it would fucking come to me. If I would walk down the corner, it would follow me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the owner came to me one day and she goes, I can't control her, but obviously you can. She pays attention to you. Then she got attacked by a possum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a fucking guerrero. He was a warrior. He was missing an ear. He was missing half his foot. His name was Frisky. And I still remember one particular morning when you know when you get fucked up at your friend's house and you wake up the next day and you're on the floor. Like I woke up and the window was open and we were freezing. And he was in the window watching a bird in a tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like making that fucking noise. I had never heard that noise. I had never seen it like that. Wait, what's the noise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a cat sees an animal that's, he's about to attack, he'll make weird noises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give us a lecture on why not to drink and you know, look what's going to happen with you guys. Never forget Christina opening the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And that was my only experience ever with cats. And then 30 years later? You go to people's homes, they have a cat, the cat jumps on you. Yeaah. They show you affection. So they claw you. You get scared and you push them off. Yeaah. That's part of the fear that I had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, it's weird, once you save a cat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They remember that. They, they, they, they remember everything. I used to have a friend that goes, don't fuck with cats because they go into the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I come home at night from doing comedy, they're scattered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But once I go to the office and I make my notes about my sat and what I gotta do the next day, once I go in the living room and unwind, they come out one by one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them don't come out. Two of them, you'll never see. The two girls, Lulu and Evie. Evie lives by the door. So I touch her and touch her and the way in and out. That's my good luck charm. She lives by the door. She watches that fucking door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like right now you guys have dogs and a child. You have two of the things that bring you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fucking snowed. Yeah. Saturday you were expected to sell out, but then you get to the airport and the flight was delayed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that dog comes up to you and at first, you really want to kick that dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first, you wanna go, you know what, do me a favor, get the fuck away from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just go away for five minutes and you pick them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you pat him and they look at you and for five minutes, yeaah, Tom's delayed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got onion rings at the bar, that's what you'll eat. Onion rings, you go back to the hotel room, Doritos, whatever. It's so weird how we've evolved as comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome Led Zeppelin, the fifth album, everybody started spitting out kids. Yeaah. Now the tours got delayed. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, cause you're like, wait a second, I gotta go on the road and do what? I'd much rather just play on the fucking floor with this child. Of course. Whatever the fuck it is, it's uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I always had a really big respect for you as a woman comic. And I didn't want to say woman comic as a comic. Because when you were around me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't feel like I had to act any differently, you know? Yeah. So I was very concerned about you when you had your child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was very concerned about you and your career. In fact, Tom and I had a conversation on a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the world is flat and look at this animal and I can give a fuck about that. I love humans. I love the mind. I love human psychology and I love to see the change of people. Nobody, nobody, nobody changed more than my red neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my wife is at work. My wife is one of those people that job is eight to five. That's on paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you took a job. You took it for $10 an hour. You gotta do the work. If you don't like it, quit. But why you make a commitment? They're Americans. They're people that my wife had no days off in 10 years as an accountant. She never took a sick day. Never took a personal day. She took three hours one time when I was doing coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I got like an 18 grand check and she wanted to make sure the check made it to the bank and not to my coke dealer's house. It was one of the biggest checks I ever got ever for a residual. She left, she took a train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when my wife had the baby. Seriously? Yeah. And my wife said, I'll be there in five minutes to help you cash that check and to put it in the proper. That was the only time in 10 years at the Op, at the Walt Disney Center. She had the child. She had all this sick time. She had all this paternity time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like five months, and I could see her going through paperwork at night, gung ho about it, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was always real interested in Christine's transformation. I was very interested in when she got pregnant, how she was going to react to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] AFI offer the six figures, and she'll put mercy at the Catholic school over that. And as we were driving one day, I go, take a look at the 101.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what you want at your age? Is that what you want at your age? After the five, you gotta pick up mercy. And then drive her home, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess who's cooking at 6? Chef Diaz, Chef Boyardic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're a comic, you're a savage. Yeah. You're not a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're on the road with me, I'm not gonna try to hit on you, but if we're in a room, I'm gonna fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna inhale it and I'm gonna take my shoes off, and you're gonna smell my feet. And it just becomes a part of your life until one day you become a woman and go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it all works out and if you squeeze out 10 weeks, which you'll be, you're gonna walk to the airport those 10 weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know how now, like, alright honey, I guess I'll see you on Sunday. Those weeks when you're leaving, once he turns four, it's like, Tom, fuck you!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friday night is my favorite night on the road. Thursday we gotta get up for radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wake up, you go back upstairs and you sleep til like 1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe would leave on Saturday and I'd be the answer that stays Sunday and try to sell tickets by myself and then ask myself why I was doing it. Even though I was single, when I got off the Coke, I realized something that no matter, even though I was a comic, I'm still a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a fuck what you do Sunday night. I don't give a fuck if Sunday night you go to a strip club and stuck your tongue up a stripper's asshole. But there's nothing like Sunday dinner with your family. Whether it's a girl that you date, and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the time I wake up at two, they're alive and kicking. I got her all day, you know, we play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm not gonna drop on you till Friday, Rob Schiml style. You know, years ago, nobody remembers this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rob Schimmel had Thursday through Sunday at the Improv for like six months and Rob Schimmel was hot in 98. Yeah. But they created the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was a comedian from the early 90s who used to light his pants on fire. That was his opener.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would go, is it hot in here or is it me? You know, he was a funny comic and stuff, but it revitalized his career. So what did the Improvs do? They're gavones. They took everybody's Thursday away and they gave it to him. So Shimmer would go, okay. You know what time Shimmer would cancel on Friday? Like 6pm? 2 in the afternoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll fuck with you Friday. He did it three weeks in a row, they never fucked with him again. He was a bad motherfucker, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they'd wake up on 8 o'clock, they'd get to the con, to the improv on Friday, sold out, shit would just cancel. It looks like you're headlining Joey. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way it is. And I bumped into him at the airport once. And he goes, sometimes you gotta teach them a lesson. And who the fuck they're dealing with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we, we live in a, uh, we've been, we were robbed for 15 years. Right. You ever get a check now and you look at it and you go, remember when we used to ask them for $200 more and they told us they didn't have it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We learn how to be assholes from you. From you! You gonna go buy a car? Yeah. Okay, when you go buy a car now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They give you two options. They give you, when I sold you a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I sold your car, I just didn't sell your car. I brought you back a purchase number and I brought you back a lease number so you could seek both options.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have the same option now. You can either take care of us at the club or we'll go to the theater across the street. I won't make as much money as everyone at the theater, but I'll teach you a fucking lesson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you better keep, you sell a lot of cheeseburgers and joeys on stage. Everybody smokes refried a Joey Deas show. So don't come to me with, there's no ghee that's left. There's ghee that's left. And I want it. And if I don't get it, I will sit at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I come to Christina, I go, Christina, I want you to teach me how to be a Mason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's going to teach me for 10 bucks an hour how to be a hard carrier. Hard carrier is stocking the masons, knowing how to put 16 bags of sand and making cement and making sure they all have cement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll give me a raise every six months to another two dollars or whatever the fuck it is. But then they're gonna come a time where they're gonna go, I'm sick, jump in. And now I'm laying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Do you follow me? Yea, of course. So this happens in every occupation. That's right. You know, not just comedy. This happens in plumbing, where for two years you're getting fucked in the ass. They're going, Christine, how you doing? We're leaving you here today, and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a second. You're in charge of Tom and Joey today. Make sure the pipes are up while the wiring is pulled. And so for two years, you get fucked doing that too. Because he's out golfing and you're getting, he's getting, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was always put on a good show with his shitty sidekick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gotta be doing something. Sure. And with Viagra, if you got a good heart, you're still fucking. I just can't imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 54, it's no fucking beauty queen no more. When I was 30 I had a nice looking dick, it was veiny, it was tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trip to the Grand Canyon, I can't see it. I have to lie to you. Oh yea, they drive me fucking crazy. You know, remember when you didn't have kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally fucking wrong. Even the women are acting totally wrong. You know, so that's what's pissing me off about what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina wouldn't have waited. Fuck no! Christina would have kicked me in the stomach and ran out of there. I know this for a fact. Christina, hold on. Let's discuss comedy. I really like your podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and she got upset? Yeah. So we're done with that. Wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's that first really, really good shit of the fucking day. And then you go, and then I take a shower, my ass is tip top magoo, and I have no other problems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you got up at five, you ate breakfast, but the Uber came before you could take a shit. You walk into the bathroom at LAX, and there's a tornado of shit odors. Have you ever walked into the middle of the men's bathroom? It's ten guys shitting at once. Same in the women's. And you're like, I'm not going to take a shit on you. Then you have the oatmeal and you get on that fucking four hour flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your ass after two hours. Listen, only an animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good shit on a flight. I've done it a few times. I've never shit on a flight. I've done it for emergency shits, not like a casual shit. No, no, no, no. If it's not, I will hold it till it's coming out of my ear balls, eyeballs before I shit on a plane. That's disgusting. Oh, it's gross. It is gross. It really is disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You drive home, you don't need to take a shit. Once your asshole processes the exit, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put that luggage down and I run to the back bathroom. The shit I took was like a cane. When I flushed it, you could hear the cane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the next morning I come back and I see my wife, she went and got a snake at Kmart because I'm always fucking that bathroom up. I fucked that bathroom up so good you can't take a shower back there. Really? Because sometimes the shower over floods from the shit I take in that bathroom. She loves you so much. No, but listen, when I pick that house, I pick a house because of the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you take some more, and then I took a loofah, you go to Bed Bath & Beyond, and you got a big loofah, you got a good one, but you cut it into little asshole loofahs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's two or three weeks. After the fucking, no, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But she should. But she really should. When we were dating, she had to eat my ass one time. If not, I can't marry it. You gotta suck the ball suck and just pick up that canal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst panic attack is if I eat an edible and I have to do something, run upstairs or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, when Tracy's about to turn 70, uhm, his last night of being 69 years old, uhm, would you 69 him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good stuff, right? Yea, men are the absolute piggiest of the pigs. It's really crazy. The world is full of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. You think he's married? Who's Mrs. Rub Rub?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The August 23rd, it's gonna be awesome. It is getting full. Uh, just so people know, we will be meeting everyone after the show. People have asked us that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna go down. Don't sweat it. This is the one we rescheduled. If you did have tickets to the last one, they did not transfer. That's something we just found out. Uhm, and the reason that they didn't transfer is because they're dumb. But uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So October 8th, Irvine Improv, your mom's house, live. Uhm, I'm shooting a special September 16th in Denver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the first show is sold out. The second show has about 150 tickets left. So, if you want to go, this is probably the last week they'll be available. Uhm, couple shows that have been added. Just so you know, I'm doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Brea Improv for One Night, September 13th, so that's two nights or three nights before I shoot the special. I'm doing the Fox Theater in Oakland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, two nights before the special, and uh, the week before I'm in Nebraska, Midwest City and Springfield, Missouri, all leading up


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the special. After that, the, uh, my tour continues. If you go to tomscura.com slash tour, you can see all the dates there. Toronto, uh, Ann Arbor, Indianapolis. It just goes on and on. Of course, New York City is now on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always feel it necessary to explain to the Toronto people that because of the way that the festival set up the links, when you go to my page, if you go to buy like Toronto tickets,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you hit like, find tickets. It finds you a festival pass. So you actually have to scroll down and go headliner ticket. And that's the individual ticket to my show. It's just really annoying. So I've had to explain people on Instagram and on Twitter, you know, a hundred times how to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, uh, something they didn't really think through. Uh, this song, by the way, is Easy, produced by Chris Pritham. How about that? Pritham. Pritham, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like big tits? Do you like big tits?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That good? Alright. Oh, I added a second show in fart go. We're going to fart go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I added a second show there. So just letting people know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good attitude. Good attitude. And you did Amazon, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please shop through our Amazon banner. It's very easy to do. All you do is go to yourmomshousepodcast.com and you do the shopping you would normally do on Amazon after you click our banner. It gives a little kickback to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also have a UK version and we have a Canadian version


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can shop through our amazon.ca banner and it supports the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your birthplace. Right. Ontario. Windsor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a lot of fun. It's always fun to do Canadian. I actually am most looking forward, if I could be honest, I'm really looking forward to shooting the special and you just spilled on your big tits. I'm looking forward to shooting the special, obviously in Denver, but for the rest of the year, I think I'm most looking forward to my Toronto date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then do you know, uhm, what, uh, are you gonna go downstairs now? Uh, what time is it? Should I go with, is there, can I stand back? Can I get me a seat? Can I, uh, can I also?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I have the enzymes to break down all that spice. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were uhm, thanks for everyone that came out to Ball Sacramento this weekend. The full charge was with me. Oh, always fantastic. Always fantastic. We were hanging out and randomly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We heard two Guns N' Roses songs, just like in restaurants and stuff. And we were talking about like, can you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it was like in their heyday to be Slash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just on stage during one of those solos and your face is melting off from the drugs you did backstage and you're just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even have to think to play your solo and it's a stadium. It's like 80,000 people just going like, ah, and you're so fucking high, you know, and the energy and like, it's so crazy. They probably have to tell you when, when the show's over, they're like, Hey man, it's over now. He's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was saying, uh, uh, Fulchar said he read Slash's book. Yeah. And that, you know, they used to get so fucked up just drinking handles of Jack and doing heroin and everything that he, uh, one time he called somebody in a hotel and he was like, where are we? And they go, where are we? We're in Tokyo. And he goes, shut the fuck up. And they go, look out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hat was like here on the eye, like on the bridge of your nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just remember, I was telling him, I remember that, you know, people would always talk about guitar players, and I'm not a guitar player, but I would always hear conversations about the greatest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it would always be, you know, people would talk about B.B. King, Eric Clapton, all these people and Hendrix. But I remember when, at least when I was listening to those songs at first, I would be like, is this not a bad motherfucker? Because it sure sounds like it to me. The way that those solos would go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was how legs were shred apart, man. I mean, he really did, he destroyed on this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they definitely still hold up. The songs are, like you can put it on, it's a solid song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't, I wasn't a GNR shirt guy, but I definitely had those, I had the tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause that's still like one of the best, I remember for uh, football, it was, it was one of the pre-game tapes they'd play on the overhead system. Oh yea, I can see that. Welcome to the jungle. And, and, and also in the weight room. So like whenever we had, I mean that came on, it still comes on and you're like, fuck it, let's do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sneeze was terrible. His, and that's another person, Axl Rose's voice is also so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there is, there is such thing as after a certain point, there's certain voices that just, you can't, like Mariah Carey can't hit the notes she used to hit. Whitney couldn't either. Whitney couldn't. I don't think Aretha Franklin can hit the notes she hit in the 70s. Like it's just like, you know. MJ too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super unique, it's true. Yeah, it's a weird one. But Axl's was like so famous. Axl! And nobody, if somebody else, like, there's songs where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another singer can sing the song, you're like, yeah, that's that's that song. But if he, if someone else sings Guns and Roses songs, it doesn't sound the same. You can't do that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next year, where'd you see them? Oh, they're at Dodger Stadium right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Died. And it was on his bio and it said 53. I'm like, this dude looks 80.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people who just, you know, like you're lucky because you're Pops. He looks great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, you see it all the time. I mean, I'm talking to people and they're like, how are you? And then, you know, Rogan just turned 50, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks great. Really takes care of himself though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 40, or you can look 90. It's like 50 is like the really, you follow one side or the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you realize how insignificant and not important things are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like we know when you're in middle school, you care so much about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, what did that person think? If I wear these brown shoes and you think it's so important and you, you make sure that like you, you don't have those shoes on, like you think that that's someone else's focus, you know, and then, I don't know, 20, 30 years later, you're like, oh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of shit into, like, something to be carrying when I war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was funny because I bought this book, been reading it, and then I go, you're gonna love this book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean the shirt is torn open so that half of his chest is written as a torn shirt and it says sexy vegan and then vegan on the arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's either tattooed or it's written in humongous permanent marker and then it's over the eye, over the other forehead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and he's got, like, what are those gauges or something in his ears? And uhm, yeaah, he looks-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely, he eats right, now we know. So he doesn't use paper, but I thought this was interesting. Listen to his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I want to point out that, you know, he's big on obviously not using the paper. He's already flushed three or four times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's trading paper waste for water waste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's one lane of it, but this is also like a little crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can pretend. You have permission to pretend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not covered in shit when I do it. It's not a shitty asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's, he's really, he's big on pushing his, uh, he goes, you don't like it? There's no toilet paper. There's no soap. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I actually think there's a lack of people visiting his home, is my guess. I don't think that there's a lot of visitors at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when they go, hey, did you shave your eyebrows and write vegan on your forehead? Then they go, maybe I won't come over actually. I think that happens a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you want to hear some good news? There's so much horrible news these days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's some good news. The Chubby Chaser took our advice. Remember that girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wrote in. She writes, Hello Jean, I wrote to you about a month ago asking advice on how to approach a chubby guy I was interested in and just wanted to give you a follow up. I took your advice and happy to say it worked out. I made the first move like you suggested and we went out last weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All your suggestions about reassert, reassert, reassurance and physicality were spot on as you seemed to loosen up as the night went on. I also went out of my way to make sure that night would be my cheat day so I didn't come off like a stuck up bitch food snob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have plans this weekend again, and I can't wait to get to know him better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, would he ever date his mom? Does he like moose soup? Maybe he loves watching Studio G clips. Guests will find out. Thanks again, Hitler. Your adoring fart mistress, Brittany. How about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just good entertainment. That's what it is. I was thinking about everything is over analyzed these days, you know, meaning is, I feel the same way about stand up. What's the message? What are you trying to say? And then you're like, it's just funny. And like this show is just entertaining. It's just good entertainment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did. Non-binary. So other people who have been like, yeah, we've been watching this show for months. I know, but we started last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wire I heard is good, we're gonna try that soon. Yeah. Good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I'm vegan, yeaah. And they do do a good job with, uh, somebody else who's like, well, she knew what she was talking about, and he's like, they. Oh, I didn't see that one. Oh, you must have fallen asleep. Yeaah. He goes, they. And then the person just goes, like, alright. Whatever, not back. Yeaah, like, okay, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kinda playing the sound. It's like when we read our kid those sound books. You're reading the text and I'm pushing the button.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you really want to get that experiment going, it ain't going though. I don't know if you want to ask like, hey, how about you guys, you five guys fart here, and uh, I'll stand behind this door and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could ask them, you know what you could do, go in there. Do you guys have any discarded film canisters good for like sealing farts? And see if they're like, uh, yea. You wanna mail someone a fart? Yea, that's why we sell these over here for mailing farts to people. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can put it in one of those mason jars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to point this out. It just, I just remember, I don't want to forget paternal twins means identical twins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there, but technically paternal is identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so, but I was just making that point that when we were trying to figure out what that meant, it's been clarified. And somebody wrote, identical dicks are important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The father invited me over to have a few beers with him. He has twin sons and in the middle of our conversation he said, I hope they have the same size dick or else one is going to steal the other one's girlfriend due to having a larger penis. My jaw dropped since earlier that day you guys were having the very important question about twin dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never stop, never stop searching, not until justice is served. You see that dick detective's graphics someone made?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send the smell. Send the smell. Uhm, here. I'll pull it up on the screen so just give me a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so why is she saying the opposite though? What's the argument?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but there's no case? That's a failing argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the other person really laid out that we had it wrong this whole time and you're saying that someone said, no it's the other way but there's no argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, I think we'll have to, uh, table this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll wait a little bit longer on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but thank you for supporting the store, there's all these, uh, we have the DJ Dadmouth, the black shirt, people asked for that shirt in black, the rub rub shirt, obviously. Nobody likes that, go ahead. Sup Kane has a new shirt, um, Big Daddy Kane and I did together, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, and there's mousse soup, there's two mousse soup shirts. So thanks for everyone, I always want to say thank you for getting them, and I hope you like the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I think we're all good now. I think we've covered all your thoughts and opinions on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dick detectives. Fathead comics. Made it. But isn't that fantastic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the dick here, and the dick detectives. That is great. It's really funny. That's really funny. So, fathead comics on Instagram and Twitter. Thank you very much for the dick detectives graphic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always wondered about, that's really interesting. There are people out there that cannot wake up. Isn't that amazing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I remember my buddy Steve in high school. We, you know, we would crash at each other's places all the time. And the alarm could be next to his head. Full blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would be like, and I just look at this dude like, and you just go and start shaking him, sleeps right through it. I don't understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know and like, or like I'd pick him up, like, uh, Saturday morning we'd have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they have, they make you go to practice sometimes on Saturday. So I drive over to his place and I'm pounding on the door that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, you can take her, you could drag her off the couch, leave her head hanging on the couch, her legs are on the couch, still wouldn't wake up. You can push her, you can smack her in the face, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I heard about, since we started asking, people have come up to me even at those shows and they said about a shaking bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Makes sense. But I guess you have to have those lights in the room obviously that you're in, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Damn it. I mean, there's sometimes it makes obvious sense. Like ATM? Yeah. Because you're, you're finding out where is the ATM and you know, you, you're directed towards it by somebody. And then once you get there, you can read the Braille. But I don't know. I mean, that's, that's interesting, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told you about this, about the, uh, the time I was in, it was in New York and, uh, in Jew dork titties and there was a blind guy across the street going like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waving his hand over his head and he started to do it more and more aggressively. And I guess what he was doing was he was signaling that he needed somebody to walk him across the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wasn't, he wasn't nice about it at all. So when I went up to him, he goes, God damn it, I've been doing it for ten fucking minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I said, you want me to kiss you on the penis or anything like that? He was like, yeah. Like that's what I've been waiting for, for 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just absolutely sealed your fate because hundreds of people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Punchline Sacramento, we're like, I'll tell you one thing, Christina didn't meet us after this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had that midday drunk swag. You know where he was like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see him walking up and he was like, I could see he was like talking shit to nobody. Talk some shit. But you know how alcohol will give you a little more. He was like motherfucking shit. And then as he walked by me, he was like, I was born in this city and I'll put my foot up your motherfucking ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then as he walked by me, he turned around and he goes, come into a theater near you. I was like, this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That means, that's some serious shit. That's like an old school thing to say too, you know? Yeah. I feel like that's a 20 year old. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know you, I mean it's different being a woman I guess. Hell yeaah. But it's also different having a super sour personality like you do. You know? So maybe that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said tigain, but then I translated, you know, I said, I've been teaching my son what my wife teaches me. And I said, you know, yes, no rotten gypsy and uh, whatever. It was just like a throwaway to, to set up the song, the Hungarian song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, you know, I go, Mitchinas. And he goes, oh. And I go, ah, kurwa, Istanbul's man. And he goes, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then his friends are like, what are you saying, what are you saying? He goes, he's not nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, it's about if you're Hungarian or from that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. He goes, I don't like naps. I like work. Wow. Those are your first words. Impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of that part of the world, do you want to hear an accent? It's pretty interesting. Just see if you can decipher what's being said. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With this guy? Well, it was submitted. They said, uh, you guys know accents, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about your diagnosis. I don't support it. Uhm, I'm saying if he may have had a drink yet today or- Several.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe the day before he had a drink and he's just about to enjoy his cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lovely day. Excuse me? It's a good- Okay, lovely day. Excuse me? Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reminded me of that amazing song, uhm, do you remember, where is it, uh, when we did the, was it the Irvine show? Yes. One of the songs is the vocal fry champ, but they use, they use the, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing. Um, that's uh, Gaping Dad with the vocal fry song. I have to say we have, you know, every once in a while you get so much, um, so many replies, responses and excitement about songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Matt Mercer song from last week, people flipped out for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good. I realized too, I was like, man, I know he's made other songs for us. And, uh, he made... Let me see, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? It's the river song? Yea, look at the river. Remember that one? You spit out when you heard this song the first time. He made this song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I have the biggest dental update. But, but before I even get into the dental update, let me, um, remind people now that we're pulling out those songs, every time I log in to Facebook, I'll see


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you have a song, if you have a clip, if you have a story, if you have a message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of that, it's yourmomspodcastatgmail.com. It is, there's no house in the email address. Yourmomspodcastatgmail.com. I just wanted to make it clear, if you've been sending stuff on Facebook, we don't, we don't check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say I've been pretty good. I've been pretty good lately with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this is the, I went seven months, you know, you're supposed to do every six. Yeah, so seven months ago, I had my teeth cleaned. I went back for a cleaning, but I also scheduled a in-house whitening treatment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I was, I was, uh, just as solid as last time. Yeah. No depreciation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what he said. Usually probably like eight, nine. Actually, you wanna know the truth? You can call him and ask him this. He said, best set of teeth I've seen in a year. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went there, cleaning was fun and fine and painless. It wasn't fun, but painless!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cleaning was like, no problem. Yea, no blood, no nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they're done, I was like, oh, that was actually pretty quick. Then they go, now we're going to do the whitening and man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So first they put this thing to give, like, so you can give blowjobs, like it opens your mouth up really big. And, uh, I posted that picture on Instagram. It was, it did real well. People really liked it. And then they put-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They try to separate your lips from touching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then after that, then they put this fucking hydrochloric acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your teeth to start bleeding and then they do multiple rounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the first round went by and I'm like, I had my, thank god, I had the headphones, I was listening to a podcast. Uhm, then I go, motherfucker. Second round, I start to be, oh, I go like this, uhm, to wipe something on my lip and my finger touches it and she goes, you're gonna burn your hand. And I'm like, okay, so she wipes my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, a little bit got on my lip. It started burning my lip. So I had to write on my phone, my lip is burning. And then she took a cloth and she wiped my lip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the third round, uhm, I was definitely feeling burning in my gums. Yep. And a little bit on my tongue. Oh god, that's the worst. She did a thing where she sprayed into the gum line. Yeah. And then sucked it out right away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That helped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That night I had, uh, like shooting pains in my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she held up like this, all these little teeth on a, on a, uh, I guess on a, what's it called? On a thing, right? On a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, okay, you're in this shade. And she goes, you're lucky it's, uhm, yellow and not gray. She goes, if it's gray, this won't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just what kind of maintenance are you doing? Like anything else? Are you taking care of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it probably reluctantly goes, you know, to get things done, like teeth and gum care. I'm sure he's probably like, Oh God, gotta go there again. I went last year. No, you didn't. Well, I went two years ago like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my guess, I don't know. Maybe like, she's the kind that's like, oh this is annoying, I just had corn, it's bothering me, let's get it out. Most people are like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that's, but that's the only time I've, I haven't seen her being like, oh I gotta floss, I'm going to bed. My sisters are actually really good at dental care. Well yeaah. Both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Those two are good at it, but the folks, not so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Noooooo. You have to be dominant. That's what he said. Yea, he wants his human clients to be better, uh, to be better slaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he finally asked for permission. To what? To sleep there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's my, see my favorite would be, he goes, right, see he's, uhm, he's upset about when you leave without telling him. And I go, yeah, uhm, I think he's happy right here. And then he goes, no, he's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know that? How do you not know that what you're interpreting is his acting out or anxiety isn't his joy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should ask her. Be like, hey, do you know this clown that does, uh, cat consulting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, here's their, uh, here's their emotions. I'm happy to see you. I'm getting upset. Let's be best friends. I'm interested. I'm crazy about you. Feeling loving. I'm worried. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not against it as a species, but I'm allergic to them and it would suck. I like having cataracts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With all the talk of Tom not wanting to know what gets Top Dog hard, I can top that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After my dad's second marriage ended, we lived together, just the two of us. Eventually we got fairly comfortable with each other and he started dating again. One night he came home from a date, I asked him the usual, so how'd it go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck. Storm? That could be a guy or a girl. I hope it's a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a friend who is living with his dad and his dad fucks with the door open near the hall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, dad, please, could you shut the door when you fuck your girlfriend? And he was like, the dog's in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said the doggle gets nervous if I shut the door. He's like, I don't care, man. I don't want to hear you fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, another email came in, do blind people dream?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said, if so, do they dream in pictures, smells, or touches? Oh my gosh. Let's see, that's a good question too. Well, I don't know. I feel like it's obvious that they dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they have a vivid imagination, I'm assuming, right? I don't know, if you're blind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you tell, I mean, but here's the thing, what you describe, would it be, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I do want to know how you would describe what you see in your dreams. Oh, here's an email that came in about playing against disabled kids. Last week I talked about in football when we beat a deaf school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It said hearing you talk about playing the deaf kids in the football sparked many of my classic memories from childhood. I am from Indiana where basketball is life and in grade school I was playing against a team that had a kid with a nub for a left arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic. Just thought I would share. Thanks for the most entertaining palmcast out there. You make my 10 hour work day go quickly, keeping it high and tight. Bo. Bo. Thanks Bo. Yeah, I remember playing in those little league games, uh, against a few nubs too. Yeah, there was always a, in the little rec league teams, they always had like a kid, you know, missing a hand or something in basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In football, by the way, I saw, I've seen it on the news, I'm sure people have seen this on the news. There's this clip, or, you know, with social media, it's made its rounds these days, of this guy who played in a high school game with no legs. And so he's just like, he has little nub legs, and he would waddle out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think he had like, uh, like half arms, like didn't have full arms either. And so he would play on the line and they would, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just go at it. It was, I mean that was amazing to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That this kid wanted to do that that badly. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend Suzanne and I were intrigued by new vocabulary. When you try to shit but only a fart, my favorite is imposter, which is a good one. An imposter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, there's no word for when you try to burp but you accidentally vomit. There is a word. We propose the word, yerp. No, verp. No. Also, what if you cough and then vomit? That's called a comet. Oh, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Mommy Tina loves her vomit, so this will be helpful. Love, John and Suzanne.


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[Assistant] No it's not. There's nothing over here like that. There isn't. There's nothing on this like that. I promise. I promise.


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[Assistant] Come on, don't ruin the fun for everybody. It's not fun. Do you know how much the audience likes when you hear an comic flip? They don't like it. Yes they do. They don't like it. They message me about it. Stop it. Yea, they like it. That's terrible.


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[Assistant] They like my suffering. Yeah, they like it. They react. It's a genuine reaction. That's why they like it. They want to see genuine stuff, you know?


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[Assistant] Babe, that one was an accident. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry about that. So, babe, it's over now.


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[Assistant] You're lying. No, it's over. It is over. It is over.


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[Assistant] Uhm, do you wanna see this woman get really excited about eating an ice cream sundae? I guess a new sundae came out. Is she gonna barf it up? No, she doesn't barf it up. But she gets really excited, and she's alone, and she's just like, god damn, this fucking tastes good. You're lying. Here, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially with food. Food is one of those things where you, sometimes you go, like, especially if you're alone and there's no one to be like, you gotta try a bite of this. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got taken down from a lot of places though. I think both for its title and content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soon with another episode and we might have a guest in here next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on the road, of course, as we keep touring. Oh, this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You listen to this right away. This Friday I'm doing, uh, Joe Rogan. Episode 1000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's myself and Jose Coco Diaz and Joe and then that night we're gonna do a celebration show at the Comedy Store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Pomcast. The Pomcast will be very fun to listen to. Uhm, so check it out. And again, uh, thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye Jane, here's the Rub Rub song by DJ Boy Butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know too. I am too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think that there's Sudefin, isn't there in, uh, in that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I used to take Diamond Tap as a kid. It's outlawed now, it's gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because it was loaded with like crank. And I remember it just makes your heart pound, but it also had a downer at the same time so that you could fall asleep. So I'd be like, but you can breathe real easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and it's better than having the orgasm, cause he's saying you're not gonna come.


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[Assistant] So overwhelming. It's so overwhelming to have this much approval. Like I legit am not used to people liking anything.


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[Assistant] And then one day you're like, oh, people care. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazed, thank you. Well without, without you my jeans would never be so tight or high, and I- Me?


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[Assistant] I mean, it can take some work, it needs work, but it's not bad.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like I feel like if the right band took it and actually reworked it, it would be very good.


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[Assistant] Cause I was laying in bed last night and you were supposed to be giving me head scratchies, which were inferior because I woke up and my hair was not tangled. And, but the whole night I was going machines with it.


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[Assistant] That would kind of be the most amazing thing to ever happen to this man.


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[Assistant] Wait a minute, I have a question. Did you meet anybody after the shows? Like did you take any photos of people or is that just something a personality champ does?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've been getting reports when I'm in, I was in St. Louis tits and, and in the south and people are like, Tom's not a personality champ. He doesn't really meet people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm telling you. What do they serve there, Frito Bandito?


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[Assistant] That's what a, you're saying it wrong, it's just true, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a Mexican pastry. But they're Spanish, sorry, they originated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they are. I watched the great British baking show and they go, look it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they go, this week we're doing Spanish chiros. Of course they can't say shit right on that show. Spanish chiros. And they did the same thing where they all had to do variations on the chiro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's like the restaurant. It's like how we added bacon to Brussels sprouts this generation. Everyone's dipping that shit in chocolate. Can I tell you the best place to get a churro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get your life, Olvera Street in Los Angeles. Go down Olvera Street. One of those vendors. I mean, that's what's up. They're all over Latin America now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best. Now in Hungary, their version of the churro is called langos, and it's only in the summertime you can get it, and it's deep fried dough, but then they put butter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sour cream and sprinkle some cheese on that bitch.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you, I know this, uh, when I dated the Chinese guy. Chinese breakfast? They do a fried doughnut with like, uh, soy milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your mom's house, we have fans that are actual real, like famous musicians that listen to the


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[Assistant] I would, I challenge those guys, if anyone's got some free time, I would love to see someone do machines with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like Metallica, if they could cover it, would be, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Eternalize the societal structures, whatever the fuck that means.


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[Assistant] It was, it was awesome. It's the first time I ever did the show without you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a great time, uh, Joe is such an easy person to hang out with, and he's one of the most wonderful, sweetest, smartest, funniest humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had such a great time. We had a really good time. We talked so much shit. Talked some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Pomcast world. I've been getting so many tweets from people that Joe Rogan referred me to the special and now it's like, it's amazing. So I'm very appreciative to Joe for having me on as usual. Very appreciative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks so bad. I mean, you're not Mormon. This isn't the Mormon challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I, I couldn't live without coffee. It's my one, that is my one thing for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you should do? Take 10 to 12 Benadryl and then take this class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I have to tell you that I used to take yoga in Santa Monica, like a million years ago, and I always noticed that the men, there's really not great yoga attire for men, like the women have all the accessorizing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your leg goes back, so you know what I'm saying? So one leg back, one leg on the floor. And I remember seeing countless nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Countless balls. And it's funny the first time, and then you're like, really mo- like you can't cover your nuts for this class, like you know your balls are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you had any, uhm, enlight, enlightenment thoughts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] End of the class, do they hand out, uhm, thumb rings and like, bracelets for the guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish, I wish she had some advice for, for women. I feel like it's very penile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I know, I'm on the same wavelength. I feel like I understand, I feel like I know this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that how you felt after we, were you like, am I in or out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, I see. I don't know how that works. It's all connected. Your vagina is the same as your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Where do I get this shit egg? Is he selling those?


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[Assistant] You know, you're always hung up on this technique stuff, as if that negates the fact that he is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, you remember watching that show, Battlestar Galactica?


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[Assistant] Well, the guy looks like a sleaze tag. And I can't get over it. Call me superficial. Just close your eyes and let him-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, to make the milk? But you only make the milk if you have the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have to, hold on, in order to reduce my menstrual flow, to keep my energy, I have to rub my breasts during ovulation. And put an egg in your puss. And put an egg in my puss. This is going to be a full time job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see how nice and wrinkle brain my face is?


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[Assistant] Let's put it this way, if I took his technique and I was like a nice blonde lady teaching this shit to people, I could get on like the Today Show and be like, ladies!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like I could turn that into a seminar and really make a living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Well, theoretically, when you squeeze an egg on all sides, it doesn't break. Okay. Like, you have to have, like, a ring on or something. Yeah. Like, you ever try to squeeze, like, you did in science class, right? Yeah. As a kid. Yeah. I don't think he means, I hope he's not meaning a literal egg that you would eat, but like. Something in the shape of one. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like a fake one, yeah. A fake egg. Yeah. Our son loves toy eggs. But that's a big thing to put up there to pre- I mean. Yeah. Jeez, dude. I don't know, he didn't know what the hell he's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She's like, I with, with the rub rub guy and Kim and yeah, together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna get, casting the net for all the pervs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jets, man. No, you'd be fine. This guy's a troll. Kim Man's got her shit together, at least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's weird that, cause she's so, she doesn't speak like she's ever seen porn before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I think there's such a naivete there. Cause usually it's the guys being like, what are we doing today? And the girl's like, well, I'm going to spread my pussy and these guys are going to come in my mouth. And you know, they know the jargon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like well, yeah, yeah, it's usually a guy, you had that clip playing the other day where you're like, you're gonna, these guys are gonna cum in your hair, and then you're gonna massage it in, it's like a cum shampoo, and you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, that's the whole thing, 60 press milf, that you get hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think she learned the gentleman because of like the gentleman's club, you know, and like they call strip bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What gentlemen are coming here? And she probably saw-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, she saw a gentleman club and was like, oh, these are, these are gentlemen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how 12 year old boys imagine, like, girls playing with their babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My urine therapy, I gotta squeeze my egg, I gotta squeeze my boobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have two methods that could go really well together if you just thought about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect system. We've got the perfect, the perfect smile, perfect system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aw, he's the best, dude. Yea, he's super fun to hang out with the dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just chilled. I chilled really hard. I needed to be home for a minute, you know, doing nothing. That's my favorite. I've been baking lately and I'm a terrible baker because I watched that British baking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I think I can beg, but I just fuck it up every time, but I still like it, you know? It's good to do things you're not, you're not great at. Joe Rogan and I were talking about that. He does things he's not great at. And I was like, oh yeah, I think I've started doing that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's nice to, to enjoy something even though you're not good at it. Sure.


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[Assistant] So LJ helps me bake, super cute. And, uh, and yeah, go to the park, run around, take some naps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now we've opened up a whole other can of biscuits. Now we're in the conjoined twins questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I have so many questions for conjoined twins. I mean, when it comes to everything, how do you do everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're always in an orgy, like basically you both have to be dating somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too hard, just logistically speaking.


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[Assistant] Just because you're, you're dating two different people basically and they, they have distinct personalities so.


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[Assistant] You're fighting over... I guess in that case you let the brother do the jerking and then you're just like, I'm just ignoring this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the whole, I don't know. I'm so sad. Is that show, the show obviously isn't on anymore. Brittany and Sally, whatever it is. I don't know what their names are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you think of shit? Yeah, how do you date? How do you, how do you wipe? God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the answer is yes. Of course. That's a form of sexual assault. If you come hug somebody without their consent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You cannot take that. You would, I would have a heart attack. That stuff freaks me out so badly. Could you imagine? Yeah. Half of that dose would kill me. Half the dosage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so bad advice. And then to smoke dope on top of that? Like what? I mean, you're out of your fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mind, your everything is shut down except for your peener.


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[Assistant] It's, it's so inappropriate to discuss your sex lives in front of your children, uh, to discuss any aspect of your sex life. It's wrong. It's not okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're also, you know, almost 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, my mother, when my mother passed away in 2015, we were going through old photographs and my dad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, texted me and sent me copies of these photos he was looking at. He was like, Oh, your mom had great tits, great ass. And I was like, ah, thank you. Thanks for telling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you married her. Good tits, good ass. Thank you. Like is that, that's the last thing you want to hear about your dead mom, is how great her tits and her ass were. She's very attractive. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a lot of that, uh, she, I think she thought she was teaching me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I was about 8 or 9 or 10 and it was like, she was giving me tutorials on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to please men and this and that. And I was like, first of all, it was so funny. My mother's biggest thing was having a clean vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to keep your vagina clean. And she had like that old school douche bag, like an old douche with like the big red nozzle and the black, and it was disgusting. And then she would, uh, she was obsessed with you have to let your vagina breathe. So at night, no underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the pajamas? You have to let your vagina breathe. Now, my mother also wore nylon tights under her tight jeans. So of course, I think she was strangling her vagina all day. So she really needed to let it breathe at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she had edible panties. That was the most disgusting. And it was by her bedside. So I, like I was privy to her nightstand contents, you know, like she would show me what was in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, this is pina colada flavor. I'm like, what's pina colada? Like I was so young, I didn't even know. And then I got to taste the edible panty. She like, it was, it wasn't used or anything. She unwrapped it and was like, you want to taste it? And I was like, all right. I thought, but at the time you think it's so cool. Cause you're privy to like grown up stuff. You're like, wow, I'm mom's best friend. This is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so wrong, like you're never supposed to be your parents' friends. Not even when you're an adult. You're never their friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always gonna be, I should always be a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's so gross. I taste them. I remember being like, this is not good. Uh, yeah. So gnarly. So gnarly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my favorite part is the nervous laughter that accompanies.


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[Assistant] These horny people, they're always nervously laughing. Like what the, the cum huggers, it's always this nervous laughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, this is the first female editor they've had at the New York Times?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, I like that his grammar was proper there. He said Megan and I, not me and Megan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I am, I'm partial to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, Ali Wong and I are now, we're officially declared a movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so odd. I mean, he's usually such a normal guy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steven Seagal. You say that's not how you say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say Steven Seagal. Seagal. How do you say it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Seagal. Why isn't that Seagull? Seagull. Steven Seagull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's such a weird dude. Man, this whole thing about he lives in Russia now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, are you American or not, buddy? You gotta choose a side. You with the commies or you with us, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do all these titles sound exactly the same?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, I love it. I hope this trend continues. I would like to drain the showbiz swamp of these creeps. That would be fantastic. I wonder who we're gonna find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the next big creeper, cause you know once it, uh, once the can is open, once it starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Do you see how dark his skin is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that poor other actor was actually trying to react and have a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But interestingly enough, she opens up two drawers and all I saw were trucks, cars, legos, traditionally boy things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so sorry, so the child is asking for she or hen. Well then there you go. Then that's what the kid wants and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, it's, it's, uh, I will say that just watching our kid, uh, he's, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Privy to both dolls and trucks and bike or whatever. Legos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, I also think that it sounds like this person was, had to deal with a lot of shit growing up being both genders. Yeah, the intersex person? Yeah. I mean, and that's gotta be so horrible to grow up being fucked with your whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yea, and I get how painful that must have been for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that sucks, it does. But to go this far with this stuff, like maybe you just need to see a therapist and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she, but which one is her son? Is it the one that they've been interviewing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because the other parent is the one that gave birth. So the other one is a female by, so that would make sense that that person would go to kindergarten and address. So I'm thinking it's the one that's being interviewed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, I, I do feel like this stuff, these countries are generally more progressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but my stupid 41 year old brain is still just like, wait, what? Like, I'm not sure I'm fully comprehending this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're variant than Netherlands, right? Isn't that what that's considered? No. I don't know what they are. Scandinavia? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, they tend to be way more progressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See on the other hand too, it's like you also are shaping how the kid responds to stuff. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, is it really something that's originating in them, or is it because they're watching you do your mop-off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and doesn't that also rattle their cage in terms of who their self is every day? It's like, well, maybe this kid has an internal compass that's pretty sturdy and you're now you're constantly forcing the questioning of that compass. Maybe that kid doesn't have the same stuff you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't have ripped this apart! Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Acrobatic farts. Ac- acrobatic farts. Ac- ac- acrobatic farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job. Great jeans. Uhm, I didn't tell you this yet, but I'm editing my special and I went into the office today to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's really sweet and every time I come in there, you know, she's got like cool pink hair. Like she's a cool younger girl. She's not like a dipshit basically. And she's not overly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was signing in and then another dad came in behind her and was like, April, don't let him in. I don't, I don't know who this guy is. April, don't let him in. Don't let him in. April, April, don't let, and he kept repeating it and she kept ignoring him as did the guy who was signing in. Cause we were like, we get the joke dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I love blonde jokes. The best part is that she didn't even feign that it was funny. She's so broken by it that she was like, yeah, I get it. Mark or whatever his name was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is the plight of being an attractive young female is that dad boners are always cracking jokes and trying to get your attention and get you to laugh at them. Cause their wives hate their guts, probably like their children are over them. And so that's why they always like to flirt with waitresses and young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No attention. Like nobody cares about him anymore. It's funny because we've been, uh, we spent the weekend together, the week together. You've been home. It's been great. And we went on an overnight trip at the, we don't say where we stay, but we went on overnight and we got to see like dads swimming and moms walking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, just dorky. Like, I'm not saying that I'm a fashionista by any stretch, but there are certain rules to the game. Like, you know, the white dad sneakers and high waters is definitely not a good look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were driving in the car and we saw a lady who totally shut it down crossing the street. And she was wearing what looks like those Teva kind of Birkenstock sandals with no socks. You know what I'm talking about? Like the real utility sandal, the Denver sandal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like really functional looking tank top as well, like all beige and short short hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in Europe, it is, I mean, I think it is unheard of. We were at the beach the other day with LJ, and I see two little boys playing, and the mother and father are just hanging back. There's no coolers, there's no overwhelming toys, umbrellas. The mother looks skinny, good shape, and I, what'd I say to you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the lady I talked to, they're from the Ukraine. I go, I knew it. I knew it. Cause you look great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not all panicked that your kids are jumping off the rocks, you know, uh, they're, they weren't a million toys and you know, Americans love to bring the whole barbecue grill, uh, to the beach and the fucking tent and you know, well, I mean, look, I don't know. I'm not, I'm not specifying, but I do know that growing up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother kept her shit tight, like she still looked good and she dressed like a woman. And same with my stepmother, dressed like a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I do feel like that is an American woman thing, that for some reason menopause-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shut it the fuck down. The hormones shift. I get it. I totally get it. It's hard when, especially when you have a baby, you don't feel pretty anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the flip side is that we've earned the right to look like shit cause we're number one, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It's like, you know what? On the other hand, that's our culture. We don't give


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my house, this is what I do, this is my barka lounger, fuck you. And I respect that too, so, I'm on both sides of the fence here.


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[Assistant] But I think just generally, I think uh, I don't know why, but like especially mothers in America, I think there's this thing of like you have children and now you're totally desexualized. Like you're just an asexual


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[Assistant] You gotta shut it down and it's sad, it is sad just because I feel like European women, there's still a sexuality there after you have children and shouldn't stop you from fucking.


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[Assistant] Well, cause you're still a person after you have children. I don't know why having children makes you, or the culture allows you to just like, well, I have a kid, now I gotta shut everything down. It's so bizarre.


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[Assistant] He doesn't have money, he doesn't have a job. He's got all this time to devote to the fart smelling.


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[Assistant] So on our trip, on our overnight mommy trip we just took, we heard a brand new dad joke.


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[Assistant] You have so much disdain for my lack of sports knowledge. I know. Yeah, but I don't care about sports. Why would I know?


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[Assistant] Agent Brody Steven's lips is weird. Ugh. God, the teeth are all wrong, and they're all fake, so he should have had them done smaller.


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[Assistant] I see what you're saying. It's like a smiley shape or something on teeth, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I know those are, but the teeth, they also went way too big on those veneers, man. You got to be careful with those veneers.


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[Assistant] Is it that the dads just don't brush their teeth at all? Is that what happens? Or just being old?


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[Assistant] Oh my god, if someone did that to me, I would vomit. If someone, and that's the thing is that it's- I would laugh. Yeah, it's intentionally trying, it's trying hard to be sexy. Like I was watching the show Gypsy on Netflix.


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[Assistant] No. Wait, no, you mean she would lead with her tongue. So she'd stick her tongue out, like what they're telling you to do, like, uuuh.


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[Assistant] So do you think that she just had it out there? You know how parakeets, like they always have their tongue kinda, it was just always out.


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[Assistant] Of course, of course. I don't even like mouth kissing, um, friends. Goodbye.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a, it's an L.A. thing. It's like a hipster, it's like a cool L.A. person thing. Is it really? Yeah. If you're cool, you do a mouth kiss, which I don't do. I don't kiss people's mouths. Come on. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I told you, I had friends in high school who the whole family kissed on the mouth. The son would kiss the dad's mouth, the mother would kiss the son's mouth, the little girl, the sister would kiss the brother's mouth, the dad and the son would kiss on the mouth.


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[Assistant] Super weird. I tell you the one time, and I brought this up on the show like many years ago, one time I was kissing my stepdad goodbye and he turned his head just as I was going for his cheek and I kissed like the corner of his mouth.


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[Assistant] What happened when the boy's like 12? Are you still mouth kissing your son?


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[Assistant] You've got Playa Dust in your asshole, in your eyes, in your beard. Uh, you're taking shits in port-a-potties. It's 120 degrees during the day.


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[Assistant] Well the Burning Man in particular, because it's Playa dust, you're out on a Playa, whatever that is.


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[Assistant] Come down later for Muzu. Who designed that? So, uh, this was, this was submitted to us by Andrew Oyin. So thank you, Andrew, for submitting this design. We saw it and fell in love with it and this is it.


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[Assistant] How do you get that voice? It starts deep. Cause here's the thing. I have a pretty deep lady voice. Do you think in 20 years I could get moose soup lady voice? I don't know.


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[Assistant] It's really her. It's all her. It's all real.


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[Assistant] So we had this discussion, uh, who you would marry after me, like your second wife, and I was like, you're probably going to-


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[Assistant] And I go, I see you with some nasty porno chick, like some girl who's like, I'm going to fucking piss on your balls and I'm going to put a baseball bat in my ass. Like stuff like that. That's what I see you with.


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[Assistant] Because I see you with somebody like that because you know, you did like the good family guy thing on our marriage.


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[Assistant] We're doing the kid and the dogs and like a normal existence. And who knows? You might get so famous that reality gets distorted like it does with a lot of really famous guys. You could be that guy, you know, pushing your dick through a wire fence to get it sucked. And then, you know what I mean? That's not weird.


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[Assistant] What is, because you've been repressing your savage desire, like, yes, Trish and Bobby, they have a pretty good sex life, like we have a pretty consistent thing, Karen and Bobby or Trish and Bobby, but, you know what I mean, like, I feel like you're going to have some real deviant shit coming out later in life maybe.


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[Assistant] But you don't know, you don't know what you're, sorry, you don't know what you're getting into for this next, when do you find out what the drug is and can you pull the plug on it? Like if they show up and you show up and it's something you don't want to do, can you say no and leave? Oh sure.


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[Assistant] Oh no, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying that. I wonder if your body, is it good to be, uhm,


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[Assistant] So there's a circuit and you know all the players.


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[Assistant] That's really good actually. Yeaah, I don't know, I was kind of enraptured by your acting. We have children, the boys.


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[Assistant] Oh, I'd love to see it. Where is it? Where can we watch that? I don't know. I'm fascinated by him. You know, actually at a Russell Peters taping a few years back, I had a backstage conversation with Rocco.


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[Assistant] No. Babe, can I have someone pee on my vagina?


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[Assistant] Stop it. You know in Athens I was there 10, 15 years ago now and the dudes were holding hands. Do they still do that?


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[Assistant] Cake farts. Or just sitting on the cake. Now, Tom and I have started a website called Fart Mistress, where we would like- Is this for real? Yes. It's real. Yes, it's real. Uh, we're not sure how we're gonna get- It's okay


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, there's no- Listen, these fucking dirty hippies are trying to say that a woman can have an orgasm during childbirth. Uh, you know, I have yet to meet a woman that that's really happened to. I guess in theory it's possible, but it ain't fucking probable. I mean, it is excruciatingly painful. And I had a fucking epidural and I can still feel it. So, nah, nothing sexy. Mm-mm.


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[Assistant] I'm assuming that the dick is the same size. I'm assuming.


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[Assistant] Oh, and they, they fuck like crazy. And it's so readily. Now we also had debates about blind people. Uh, how do blind people know when they're done wiping?


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[Assistant] Tom's red flags, okay, number one, um, very anti-social. I invited him to a party. This is like right when we were kind of starting to date. I go, come to this party. All our friends are going to be there. He doesn't show up. And then I see him around. I'm like, Hey, why didn't you go to that party? And he goes, Oh yeah, I fell asleep. So that was kind of weird that like- I'm shocked.


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[Assistant] I don't think so. And then when we started dating, we were uhm, you know, it was a kissy face time and we were so in love. And he was like, I like you so much. I just want to stab your eyes until they bleed. I want to punch you. I want to, I want to just kill you. Like he kept talking about wanting to murder me and stuff.


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[Assistant] Like I, this is two days ago, I look over and he's literally going.


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[Assistant] The whole idea is, you know, to try to run in there.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, not, you know, no, same shit, different toilet, guys.


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[Assistant] Do you want to wear this one or this one?


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[Assistant] You want this one, okay. We're gonna go with the red and black theme today then. Good idea.


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[Assistant] Masturbating, uh, when his penis is dropped and he slaps it on his belly, they call that masturbation for stallions.


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[Assistant] Can you turn it down for me? Please? Please, please, please. Alright, we're good. Is that good? Thanks, yeah. Thanks, Gene.


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[Assistant] Your mom's house, yeaah. And we actually got there, yeaah. Isn't that silly? It's so silly. It's so silly. I remember writing down in an old joke book, uhm, some dumb line about opening a restaurant called


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that you could say that to somebody, like just for the purpose of that.