[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's all kinds of crazy things going on though. There's people, like look, have you ever seen someone do this before? I don't know if you have. Am I looking here? Yeah, that'll be the screen to look at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a question for you. Wait a minute, wait a minute, but you, you, you suggested that this guy is homeless. Caw caw cucumbers. Yeah, caw caw cucumbers. We were, we were on, where is the fart mark anyway? It's right here. Oh it's right here, are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you heard that there's this phenomenon going on where people are, I guess it's not the first time, but it's getting more popular, um, ingesting drugs anally to get high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about the smoke? Have you seen smoke? Heard about smoke? People will take smoke and blow it into each other's asses. Uhm. You gonna show me something? Yeaah. Cracks or crack pipe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we all, you know, we're all built differently, different chemical compositions and everything. Is it something where if a, if a thousand people took a hit, are some of them going to be able to be like, that was crazy, but I don't need to do it again. They could walk away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, we wonder is like, is this all just an affectation, something he's putting on, or is there something going on deeper here, okay? So, here's Christina Giordano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Direct your attention to that other screen. Sorry. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great, but I feel like she's not 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like this is, uh, something that is okay for someone to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, she's eating bristles on a hard brush head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember you had this expression last time, uh, stalking behavior. Oh yeah. That's what this is, right? This is stalking behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I just watched the one on Gwyneth Paltrow's. That one in detail. One of the Discovery ID did a whole thing about it. That was one of the most stunning stories to watch. Where this guy mailed things and showed up and there was a trial and the fucking jury found him not guilty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's just mountains of letters. Not guilty of what? Of harassment or whatever, some type of stalker charge. Do they over-overcharge him or something? I don't know man. I have stalkers. You have stalkers? One of the, one of the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You must have stalker. No, I have full on stalker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst part of the recap of that Gwyneth trial is that they go, well, she was a very unsympathetic, like, witness. She was the one being, because she was aloof in the celebration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I walk into rooms in the house and like from a distance I hear like a murmur and I realize it's, you know, some type of audio is playing and then I just hear her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very recently, she just started toweling off. Completely. After showers. And I was like, what? She was getting dressed wet. And then I was like, did you like that? And she was like, no, it upset me every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know the craziest part? Dude, this is the craziest part. She's a doctor. What? Yeaah. What's that? What kind of doctor? Uhm, it was like ear, nose and throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes, hey, by the way, you know, I'm on my period and almost like, is that going to bother you? He's like, we're adults, I don't give a shit. Does it, you know, obviously there's something to clean up. She's like, oh, I'll clean it up and just start doing it herself with her mouth. And then he's like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said that she was like, you know, we're done, like, sex was over. Time to clean up. And it's like, uh, I'll clean you up. And you thought she was gonna go grab a washcloth? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had sex again like a month later, and this time she just like went for it, and he was like, it was freaking me out. So he timed it so she was on her period again? No, no, like they had sex over the course of the next few weeks. They were regular partners now, so they're in a relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best I can make of it. But she likes it, I mean, that's not her first time. That's the worst I can make of it. Yeah, yeah. That it's something... I don't think it was like, I like you. She's like, I like my blood. And I do this all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are murderers and shit. All the uhm, all the thing, all the like, most I should say, not all, but most of like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sexual charges, the deviance, the, all the fetishes, they're like all men centric and geared. So, but one of them, I feel like most of them, I go, oh, I get it. Like that makes you come, right? Right. Yes. But the one that I was like, you know, this was kind of, kind of an interesting psychological factor to it is financial domination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where, this is where a guy- I thought you were gonna say like, bug crushing with heels or something. No! Because even then I go, yea I guess. But this is the one where the guy goes, where the girl, the dominant person goes, send me your fucking, send me 60 dollars so I can get lunch or whatever and then the guy does it and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But any one, I go like, you know, when was the last time you shitted? He's like, well, not today, not yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing you should do is do a coffee enema and then drink a six pack through your anus. And you get the benefits of being dehydrated. Take some Lasix. Take some Lasix. It's fucking perfect. Uhm, so I took a picture of this guy at a casino on the right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, is your anniversary coming up? Coming up. Have you thought of getting something sexy to say to your spouse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the first one, I think, with these screens, maybe, yeah. This is very cool. Yes, that's right. Uhm, so anyways, we were trying to figure out whether, like, this is again, you know, it's who he is, his affectations, is there something neurological, behavioral, what not. He's an outgoing guy, but just, he's a cool guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very calculated, but I think he's, but this guy, I'm like, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the way my mind works. When I see a very affable, charming, fun together guy, I go, he either is that guy, or the dark side is real. This guy, the camera goes off, the door shuts, and he's like, you watch your fucking mouth. That's what I expect from guys like that. Sopranos sort of thing. Yea, yea, yea. Really? You think that's what's going on? No, I don't know that, but I get what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the whole time I was like, look, I believe that this is a good guy, but there's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This seems like a really nice guy. He has an organic dry cleaning service in the Bronx. Nice. And he's always out there on Instagram just being like, good morning, I'm happy and all this. But I'm like, yeah. You know better. I'm like, it's a little much, right? And if they're like, in the news today, guess what happened in the Bronx?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready to address the... I'm ready for anything. Alright, so you were, you know, this is basically, you have to answer for the gossip that is being talked about you. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I couldn't agree with him more, but there's uhm, this is the clip that I wanted to, I don't know if you know, right here, yeah, right here. I don't know if you know that this is, uh, is out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to save the best for last. I know we have limited time, but this is one of my favorite clips that has come through here in the last few months. And maybe you can give a theory as to why this person is involved in this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's swimming in the shit and the filth and the diarrhea and he rubs it in his eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, what's it called? Fetishes. Fetishes. Well, this is a fetish thing. Well, I'm saying that in this case though, he's in this suit. The leather suit is a fetish. That's right. But I'm talking about people who do brown on the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, because that's about... Which is highly debatable, but go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. And you want to know something great? No, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it's just pudding? Oh, what's that? It's just like a clump of hair that was in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blue band, tell him what you told me about when you prepped this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did, and you absolutely did. And I love getting that reaction. I love upsetting her with, you know, disgusting things as well. I don't know, it's just really, it's like my happiest state that I can be in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You disappointed. You got me wrapped around your finger. Cute. But that's all you're getting. I'm exhausted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up on my Instagram ad heads? I'm on a roll today because women are fucking stupid. Okay? They're fucking stupid. Okay? I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman! Yea. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I once went to see a doctor with my mom. She wanted to see an acupuncturist that she had-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay a fish. McDonald's. Chicken nuggets. McDonald's. Fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's really taken America by storm, SuWu. Yeah, it really has. I was at the Irvine Improv last week and I walked out to a wall of SuWu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she doesn't pronounce the words correctly. May I hear it again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got like a vocal fry, like an Indian lady vocal fry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I don't use this phrase, so I'm not cool, but I'm pretty sure you don't go, she's really a taut. She's such a taut! She just can't keep her


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I took Spanish in school and they didn't teach you lame set, like, I can say like, que lastima, and I know that that's not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so hard to learn these. Even, I mean, even when you are part of the culture, Like, I told you the millennials are saying, I'm here for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's so hard. I mean, imagine trying to do this in her language. Oh my gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, yes. Well that's, we're only doing four episodes for the month of October. Right, but I'm saying, but you can watch it. And it's been, it's great cause we get all the hot goss on Burt Kreischer. So if you guys wanna go deep on him and what's doing there, it's fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't take showers, did you know he just swims in his chlorinated pool? Yeaah. It's bananas, and he'll go sweat and just that's it. No soap on his junk. And apparently Leanne gives quarterly blowjobs, we learned that too. Yea, yea, I saw a clip of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It works. It works. If you want tips like that, moms, listen to Where My Mom's At. I give you full marriage, marital advice, and child rearing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many! I know. I only use them out, they're big guns though. Bobby and Trish have their regular thing, but then every now and then Trish has to go the extra mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's interesting growing up in the San Fernando Valley and in LA here is that there's this workers, like a boot warehouse. The work boot warehouse. Yeah, and it's funny because it's had the same billboard since I would say the early 90s. Like I've grown up with this woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and as a young woman around LA when I was a little teenager and I was like, God, that billboard makes me feel gross inside. And then now I've grown up with it, which is neat too. And it doesn't change either. Like it's the same girl since the 90s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it sticks in your mind, and you remember it later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know it's, but it's true cause all of advertising, it resorts to, it's either sex, impulse, which is like the most primal. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we should do it as an experiment. Uhm, I think we should spend, what, half a million?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm, even better, guns and fucking. Americans love guns and fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, a NASCAR. Yeah, cars. She's gotta be on a car. Just like everything. A football. People like, we love football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he had bikini chicks on the forklift and that was his advertising. So horrible. Didn't work for him though, the way work boot warehouse did. I don't know, I don't know, I just remember, I was like, these are cool, dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course I knew I was up. I'm like, ugh, so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would put them on flyers and then mail them out to people. That's how you used to advertise them back in the day before the internets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this other shit is secondary to the primary function of reproduction. All the other stuff is fancy ways to fuck. Basically, you're just trying to attract a better mate with your money and your career and your looks and such.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did people put this on YouTube? Like, was this just a general video to the world? Yeah. Like, you'd think this was a- just send it to the person it's intended for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I liked is he had a dribble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so she got jumped cause she is. I don't know why. Got you. So I'm just so confused. There's so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch. You know what's funny is I was gonna say she should call the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. They don't look very, how do I put this, um, genetically diverse. They look a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when Bitsy, she's not the brightest puppy? Cause she's been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I got another, uh, SuWu clip for ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. I mean, you'd think that'd be the first thing she'd met, talk about on this video. Like, I'm pregnant and I got drummed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one was sent to me. Do you want to set it up? It's prison cooking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how much I love Danny Brown's jail recipes? Well, somebody sent this video to show us how these gents man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's gonna show you how to make a bratwurst essentially. This guy is going to make a source of fire in his prison cell. Unbelievable. You're gonna die how he does it. Fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhh! Now how he managed to turn his cooking lesson into a blood shout out, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is too black, but the good thing is he can just put that fire in his toilet and then flush it. Uh, yeaah. And then it's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you guys have any more of these, I just love these videos of prison cooking. I'm forever fascinated. I wish Danny Brown would do a jail cooking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, I'm doing Seattle the 22nd. That's almost sold out. And then Portland at the Aladdin Theater November 23rd. Those are almost sold out. Also, I have a residency going at Flappers in the Yoohoo Room every Thursday. I just do. It's a small room, like 50 tickets. It sells out real quick. So if you're interested, go get tickets to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm proud to announce the ride or die tour continuing through 2020. I have these dates lined up first on January 30th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through February 1st, Houston improv, and then in March 20th, that weekend I'm in the Miami improv, and then March 26th, Dallas at the Addison improv, and then April 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York, judo titties again at Caroline's and then April 24th to 25th in Des Moines, Iowa, Des Moines, at the Funny Bone. That's up. Hire tickets now at Christina P online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying, I'm saying Budapest is known for its beautiful women, the women are stunning, and we're a porno capital of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His wife is Hungarian, and if anyone can make rock o' comets Hungarian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He told me that when you were taping with Russell Peters years and years ago. This is a decade in an alleyway behind a theater and I met Rocco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I, I just, I see Josh for some reason in alleyways in like Berlin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, also, side note, when I lived in England for a year, uh, the Englishmen, sorry to offend whoever's listening, but they don't have a lot of game, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are, they're cute, they're so cute, but they're not really good at game. Like they don't really know how to talk to women, you have to be introduced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and Hungarians are pretty open too, and that's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the Russian mafia runs a lot of nightlife. That's what they did back in the day. I'll hook you up. Okay, good. Yeah, we got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna just lay back and let her do you? Are you gonna be, are you gonna try to make it pleasant for her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've forever ruined how we say that word. We say elementary now in our house. But, so are you, but I'm saying like are you gonna try to make it pleasurable for her too or are you just gonna let her do her thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic, she's so funny. And her stand-up is- she has a special out on Comedy Central, watch that. Go see her live if you can, she's fantastic. She's in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very normal to me. You're very unassuming. I am very normal. She is very normal. You're very girl next door in real life, but then you have to play these like sexy lady. How do you do sexy lady stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About the scene. The best scene in the whole series, you. Where he's standing across the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you pretend, like do you practice your sexy faces, like your masturbation faces to prepare for the, do you know what I'm saying, like you have to look good while doing it, so how do you know it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? It wasn't like every episode she's rubbing them out. It was like, it was part of the spectrum of human emotion and as a character, no, no, no, it was not frivolous. Like I said, I support it. Yeah, no, as do we.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I have a stupid question to ask Elizabeth. This is the stupidest question you've probably ever heard about acting, but it gets me every time. So they always do your guys' hair, ladies' hair. You guys always have like perfect face. Tenderly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so it's always like if, like you'll have your hair up but then you'll have perfect face framing and then it's like how the f- you just act around


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hair in your face and your eye, you know what I mean? Like I always see it and I'm like, does she not want to do this? Right? Does it bother you? Do you act around your hair? Cause you know you can't fucking touch it cause then the hair person comes up to you and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, cause I saw you just now. Yea, that's like the worst thing. When you do, yea, and then it has to stay. That's part of why I hate doing, like, television stuff, cause they'll cement it, lock your hair, and then you're like, ha ha ha, like the whole time you feel like you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, in your career, what's the hardest line you've ever had to deliver?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then I gotta get my stomach flat, probably can't eat a pizza. No potatoes. Yeah. It's sad. Oh man. And your breath, are you like, I gotta, it's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Frenching, Frenching scenes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's no dog chow. No. He's a beaut. Bare hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, or you just want to get some meat videos cause I think she kept the lines of communication open just to like at some point to get more videos with her friends, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to say we've, he's been in our lives now for a couple years and watching it again after having taken a break, it really is creepier than I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, this is his attempt at getting closer to his fans. That's the weird part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But his eyes too, the gaze, it's a little, it's intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so long. All your days are super long. You have to memorize stuff. I can't memorize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allow me, after many viewings of this video guys, I think what's happening is this is actually a filter slash lighting thing that's making them appear less filled in than they are because if you'll notice in other videos, they're normal-ish. They're not as like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just tell you, I'm having this fantasy that I'm having to sit next to Tony and listen to him talk all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they are. And there's no chain in this one, which is upsetting. So there's nice hair. Nice hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the deal, I understand that Santa here is confused and he's trying to turn on a male viewer. Male?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about Tony Johns or Garth Brooks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta love, you have to spend a weekend with them. A weekend? In a hotel room. Making love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to get a big water. There's water. You need to stay hydrated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be good. Yummy! Ho ho ho ho ho! She's funny, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it looks like that's something that we're gonna need to fix for next week, sorry guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her complaining about some chocolate milk or hot chocolate not being put back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so this next one is the original Batarina one that we played with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I also got sick about a week ago. And I've also, it's been taking me a while to recover, just there's mucus and so, you know, sometimes I gotta clear my throat and throw a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Sulu guy is a thousand percent saying work, no rep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rappin' from fuckin' East Orange, New Jersey, nigga. It's all buds in that neighborhood, and I used to hear that shit all the time, my dude. The problem is, your boy's just got too many fuckin' holes in his mouth, so I don't think the words is coming out right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know that's what he was saying. It's a very common phrase amongst the blood community. At least where I'm from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know. Cause I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you it is me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll make you feel like a woman, a real woman. And believe me, after you experience me, you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm heading off to work. This is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me. I built everything. Every square inch from crown molding to chair rail to floors to lighting to plumbing, doors, windows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eight on YouTubes, on the iTunes, everywhere you can get podcasts. It is a mom driven podcast. I'm getting comments, videos, questions from mom listeners. Now, by the way, dads can be moms too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where it's gonna be on the YouTubes, cause this is a little different than YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Gene, also you may want to mention that merch sale is between July 3rd and 7th. I did. Did we say that? Yea. Okay, just reiterating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, McDonald's is a happy meal for a boy or a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't remember the last time I had a filet-o-fish, but it's fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farts, thank you everybody who came out to the DC Improv. What fantastic shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the ride or die tour continues August 2nd and 3rd in Salt Lake City, Utah, September 5th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 6th, Chicago, Illinois, September 7th, Boston, and then October, Nashville, November, Seattle, and then November 23rd, Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's amazing. I love, and I love the audiences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, yeaah, get your tickets there. Also check out my two Netflix specials if you have not Mother Inferior and The Degenerates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that sounded perfect to me. That's how long the intro should be. That was fantastic. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine, everyone knows what they're listening to, they downloaded it, they got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, there's a ridiculous petition going around. Have you seen this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many signatures do you require to make it a 10 minute intro? It's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but here's a, here's a deal, man. Everybody thinks it's a haha funny idea. Yeah, it is a funny idea. Haha hour long intro song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the objective reality is, I am nicer than you, I have a better personality, I drink a lot more water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you would, if you would like to see, so the ones that I'm, I can't show on our show, I put on my gram at the Christina P at my stories. You can see my curation. I'm also the water champ on TikTok. I don't provide content. I'm merely a humble curator of what's out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I've been sending these to Nadav and Josh, and I took you off of the text because you, you said they upset you so much that you don't want to see them all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's delusional if he thinks he has to worry about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I don't know. But truth be told, I'm not sure I could either. Like, I don't know if I could do that trick, it's pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what's neat about both of these gentlemen? They're shirtless and large. Yep. Breasted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, nope, nope. The thing I found is that a lot of them don't live in mansions. These people making TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to tell you this is, but this is more interesting than any television show out there right now. This is more interesting than anything going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, cause he says it on these TikToks, he's like, I'm also a YouTube star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and what's interesting is that it sounds like she doesn't have teeth, but then I can see that there's teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, she's, maybe she got hit. I don't know. But I wonder why she's putting the call out to TikTok to figure out why Perry's in jail. That's a, that's a part I understand, like, just text your friend who knows Perry or his mom or something. Like, you think the general TikTok audience knows why Perry's in jail?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's my favorite! Now this guy has a girlfriend, apparently, on TikTok, and he's, he does a lot of goth cosplay, so I really appreciate his work. Uhm, but somebody, I think, has insulted his lady, is what's happening here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How embarrassing was that one? How embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very intense, this kid though. I like his work. Okay, now this one's for you. This one I thought of just for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can we do one more? Please? Oh, this one's good, this one's good. You know, this one I just sent. What am I looking at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uhm, so I just want to bring up, uh, McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the, them being upset about the Uncle Terry video was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not inclusive. Yeah. Uhm, and they apologized. And they support the LGBTQ+.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Community, and now they're back in the fold and Tom's been shopping for Ferraris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the deal. I put out a call to all our fans there. I said, I'm at Clusterfest. Come meet me. I'm at the McDonald's activation. I'll give you a free tomato mozzarella chicken sandwich and free stroopwafel McFlurry's from the Netherlands. And they did and they showed up and I took pictures. I made Instagram stories with people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm meeting, and here I am with fans of your mom's house. These are actual mommies who came, and we did the, what are those called? Boomerangs. Those fun boomerangs, and I met these two fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. It's official. The McDonald's logo is behind me. I'm wearing my McDonald's denim jacket. And I met this gentleman at the activation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's because I am a personality champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can look on my Instagram for the ad that I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the Christina P., you can see the McDonald's ad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty amazing. Back in business. So a lot of people are asking if we have to paint the studio. McDonald's said we don't have to this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, the stroopwafel McFlurry is great. I like to get extra crumblies on top of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was very exciting and I got to, you know, speak with the, uh, McDonald's executives and, and ask them questions about the McRib and all the stuff and it was, it was great. It was really fun. They're very nice people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I was on the plane and, and you know, you hear people sneezing and one sneeze. Okay, two sneezes. God bless you. But a third, it's like, stop, go outside, go away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go bless you, bless you, and then I get angry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I had a driver who I didn't, I was like listening to the radio and I wasn't talking to him and I, he ever do that, people go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah they are. How? Look at me everybody, I'm sneezing more than once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get two sneezes. It's involuntary. Yeah, but you can control, you can stop it. No. Yeah. No. Blue band, yeah. No. What do you know? Well how many times do you sneeze?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be embarrassed. Yeah, see you should be embarrassed if you're on a fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's disgusting and everyone, everyone has to say bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But Josh usually agrees, Josh don't you agree that three sneezes is like, it's over the top?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you! Yeah, I'm- I agree. Fix yourself!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fix yourself, man. See, Annie's friends are like, bro, you get two and then you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's enough attention, like you're asking for so much attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's cough limits too. I don't want to hear so many coughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, an interesting development, uhm, in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First it started with towel drying myself off and then it evolved to a coffee machine in my bathroom. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came back from this trip to DC and stuff and I like pop music now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but can I, but do you know why? No! You know what happened is because I'm so out of tune, out of touch, as like a middle-aged mom, like I don't leave, I don't go to like clubs, I don't know anything cool, so all I know is the internet,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And through TikTok, I've learned about music. Are you fucking seriously taking me back to TikTok? All roads lead to TikTok for me, culturally. And there's uhm, this Willow song I like, it goes, and I'm here right now, right now, cause everyone-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Singing? Joy? And I like Willow Smith now. I like that one song. And then I like Taylor Swift. Mostly because, you know, our friend Brendan Urie did a song with her called Me. And I started watching it because Brendan's in it. And then I fell in love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's part of becoming a middle-aged mom, like this lameness happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always been like, I wanna start a fucking riot, I wanna put a brick in it, I wanna get angry, I wanna get fired up. You know what I think it is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's because I've matured and I've been in therapy for 10 years and I'm not angry anymore. Inside. Isn't that weird? I'm like happy inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wanna make other people happy, and I think, and I enjoy Taylor Swift now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this is just what happens in middle age too, as a lady mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you like, you have like the musical taste of a 12 year old girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I don't even get it. It's like who's, who is this woman that I've married? I know, it's a big change. I feel like I've changed in my forties. I'm becoming a nicer, kinder, gentler person. I think it's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's, well actually you wrote the MC makes 100, I think they get less, I think it's 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's crippling too because you have to go into such severe debt just to become a headliner, which you and I did. We, you know, you put these flights on your credit cards to be a feature act and then it's preposterous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're lucky if they put you up. Sometimes they don't even want to put you up, or they'll put you in a shady condo. And a lot of people are like, how come there's not a lot of female headliners? Well, most of the women are not as cra- not crazy enough to do what I did and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or motels. They'll put you, the club will be cheap and put you in a dirty motel where like your door faces out to the parking lot. And, you know, you go through all these hoops for like 10 years just to get where we are. And the least you can do is fucking throw them some scratch, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. But maybe that's what separates normal people from comedians, is your willingness to suffer. Yeah. For ten years, being broke and being treated like shit. Mhm. That's pretty inspiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sarah Gamble, she was a lady, but really like you're like a beautiful fit young lady who probably doesn't talk about pooping a lot or belch, you don't belch or fart a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know what he used to do is have the pajama parties and they would watch a movie in heff's dirty old room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So but it's your first test shoot, which means, are you fully nude? Have you ever done anything like that before? Okay, so are you nervous? How intimidating is that? Yeah, that's gotta be terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's nice. I was like, this is crazy. Wait, so you've got the center, so hold on, so you're at the party and Hep's like, I don't normally like brunettes. But fine. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so upsetting, I feel like you're worth, cause that's, that, like you just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're 19. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I did road rules back in the 90s too. Oh you did? I'm a million years old. And I remember they paid us like, they didn't pay us as talent, they paid us as employees of Bunimamuri, the production company. Oh wow. And that's how they got away with paying us like $600 a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? I'm talking to Amanda and like seeing you in person cause I've met playmates before too and like you guys are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't. Uhm, you guys are objectively better looking than everyone else. And I think it bothers me, like this whole fat model horse shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amanda, let's talk turkey. I'm a huge fan of the gram. Oh, yep. Give me your secrets. My secrets are... Let's talk about time. Does it matter what time of day you're posting? Oh, specific, okay. Let's get into that. Hashtags. Are they important in growing your audience?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what time of day is the best time of day to post your Instagram post?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you thinking, now I've known some famous Viners and YouTubers and they tend to create from the outside in, meaning they go, oh, for instance, Billie Eilish, that's a hot topic. I should create a content based on what's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, these gatekeepers are losing their power. And Hollywood and show business, if they didn't, you know, um, crown you an actor,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's a year. You have to stay together for one year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you have to be intimate with them? Yep. And sometimes you have to shave their necks for them, shave their back. I did that with my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the guy who will make you come as he watches Rachel Maddow, I don't know if you noticed he's in his glasses. Uhm, the fat guy in Missouri. Uhm, or the guy who looks like a caveman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Does she attack? No, but I understand, there's a lot of aggressive, I follow a lot of aggressive TikTokers too, they're like, there's that song, there's a bitch one. Aggressive TikTokers? No, I like them, there's a whole genre, like there's different lanes. Yeah. Uhm, there's one, there's a song that's like, if you see me in the street, you know what I'm saying, I'm out, and they're like, bitch, get out of my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you interact with comments and stuff? You're like, thanks, or fuck off, or I'm gonna block you. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go criss cross, applesauce, baby caress me. You know that one? And they go criss cross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm more impressed that he can go by three names whenever somebody gets a three-namer. Oh, it's so special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would really like Amazing Jonathan. I really like magic. I don't know why people poo poo it. It's just, it's entertaining. You ever been to the magic castle? That shit is fucking amazing. Fun!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, sorry, I'm stuck on the magic castle. I'm very excited about this for my birthday next week. Have you ever been to medieval times?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Wait, is it good, Nadav? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to go, it was the night I was supposed to go into labor. Remember? That's right. Oh my god. We were on labor watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best when you're like, when you're headlining, but you're not established yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm uh, I'm pretty proud of that. It's a good one. I've had people vomit in my showroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think a lot of people barf in showrooms because I was just at the comedy store like a month ago and a woman got wheeled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was sitting in the main room in front of the stage, and uhm, Yakup Smirnoff was on stage, and she just BLEH, just barfs, and he was like, alright, goodnight, like he didn't address it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, no you don't. I probably would be like, alright, what am I gonna fucking... Somebody pukes in the main room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's another thing. Maybe you'll like this one. Oh, I know what you're gonna play. I've been watching it all week. It's just another garage. Oh, I thought you were hoping the other one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just depends. Like there's, we played one of a woman getting airlifted on a helicopter. It was pretty funny. Let's see, fat chick on a motorcycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looked it up because I was listening to Rogan, he interviewed this magician, this famous magician.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. There's gotta be a way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just for the sake of silliness too, which I always love. It's just frivolity, just silliness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's cute, she's down, uhm, she gets our humor, she's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two, this one, uh, down behind me is of me and the Virgin Mary with feet alone. Here he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, so FIFO, oh there I am, that's my favorite photo ever taken with FIFO and I, it was, I remember


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He won so many awards. And he also had to slang drugs on the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was on like 15 different meds a day. And so the guy was struggling and he passed away in his sleep. So, I don't think he suffered too much. And uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, here, nope. Nope. Making my lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your intention is to create more love, more understanding, more community, more compassion in your life, then I'm all for it. But if your intention is to just have sex all the time, and it's not with whoever you want, that just doesn't sit well with me. That's not aligned with my purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Male and female? That's all I need. Well there it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the deal, if you're a butt plug person, meaning you're into the scene, you're presenting that pretty early on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? Yeah, that's what I say. I've had nudes where that was the first nude sent to me. Really? Is buttplugged. Straight to buttplugged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a girl sends me a photo of a butt plug inside of her, first thing that I say, the next thing I ask is, uh, I just gotta check with my mom and see when you can come over for dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I like a good aggressive girl. It's like my cup of tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this guy's pretty rad too. What's this one again? I feel like I remember him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This right here is a selenite charging plate. This little friend of mine is a selenite palmstone. And this is a selenite wand that works with your chakra. Selenite is great, it never needs cleansing or charging, and anything you place on or near it gets cleansed and charged. You're lazy quick witch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His behavior, but what I've come to terms with is I have a very different type of man. I think I've dated the whole variety, the whole gamut of good looking men and I realized I really like them fat and wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're not wrong, because you know, like, uhm, to show status in the Philippines, the Chinese peop- the- when Chinese people have kids, they make them extra fat to show status. Yeah, because they're well fed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, we have the medication that actually works for it, but uhm, when it started to work efficiently, he wasn't into that. He wanted a hobby. His left foot is his hobby. He wants something to scratch at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For starters, he doesn't have a very, um, far ejaculation trajectory. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, for somebody who is really, um, eccentric in real life, he's actually a- he's a square.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's not very far off from what I'm used to. There you go. So he gets along really well with them. So when he goes back home to the Philippines with me, they're all on the same level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he gets nervous and he doesn't know what to say to my uncle Carlo. He points at him like this and he goes, you're my hero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Filipino prisons are wild. I actually go on Google searches a lot because they're, they're, they don't have individual, uhm, cells. They're all just in one giant room piled up on top of each other. The- That's no good. The conditions are really rough out there. So if you end up in a Filipino prison, you're fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so now it's in my island actually, and now it's a tourist attraction. So these guys just all dance. Not, I mean, they're just not regular dancers. They're amazing dancers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, after that, you know, I actually, uhm, practiced a lot of tough love with him, because he's somebody who, you know, he, he has, he's an addict, so he's very good at, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I say? Not manipulating, but um, bargaining. And he's very talented at debating and all of that stuff. So I'm actually pretty rough with him when I need to talk him off the ledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think you're equally as talented, there's just a lane for everybody, I start off doing that, reasonable stuff. And then it slowly graduates into, don't be a pussy ass bitch, get out there then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he's a, he grew up, he's a white boy at heart. In fact, in fact, I know this because when I first, um, went to his house, I was looking all over for a rice cooker. He's the only Asian that doesn't own a rice cooker, doesn't know how to cook rice. He doesn't even know the finger method. He is not Asian in that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything, I fix everything, I do everything, I do coffee runs, I'm, I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that uhm, but I always, I wasn't surprised by, you know, how many people latched onto Bobby just because he, he had done any, any podcast that I'd heard him on prior to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was just the greatest thing I'd ever heard. So I knew that once I put a mic in front of him, and I knew it had to be at home, because he wouldn't show up otherwise. So it had to be six steps away from his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he had been talking about doing a podcast with somebody else for a really, really long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I was looking over like this and we just sort of tried to not make a giant fuss about it because I just wanted it to be over with. I didn't want another commotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I do, I can, I could have popped off. I would have been like at the fuck out now, but the podcast would have been over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think his name was Paris Dylan, and he kept crying about how his name was the exact same as a porn star, and he was like, she stole, she stole my name, cause that's my real name, and his real name actually was like a French name. And he was like, trying to start beef with this porn star, and he was like, shut the fuck up, why are you even here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta see yours. Do we have the same tramp stamp? Possibly. It's a very popular dragon. In the 90s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually order the old lady Korean panties online. Seriously. Or the Filipino ones, the Soan ones. They're really just, really horrendous looking, but they're the best to wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't, he wants to smell like the future, so he always goes for scents that smell like Greek church. Are they nice smells? No, not always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't have a lot of fragrant things, they just have, they have things that smell like other things. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the lava has gotten very popular in the last two years, so I'm not really into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a jail nurse and she's the head nurse there, she just gets fecal smears doing art and if they want different like color gradients in the art, they'll pick different parts of their poo to use as green and yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he didn't want to actually crawl out of the car because he said that would be too embarrassing so he decided that the backseat was adequate. And uhm, my friend Jenna and I had to clean it. This guy's, this guy's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly think in a different life he would have been, uhm, a scat, uhm, porn actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, next week you are in- actually I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, good, good. Thank you. Thank you. I have a very boring backstory. No, you have a great backstory. Well, it was pretty boring until I kicked that homeless family to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But you do eat hot dogs and Gatorade. I do eat hot dogs and Gatorade. And I have, I have, I've never gotten all the way to the to death part. Right. I've kicked a family around before. Yeah. But they, they, just to show the rest of the group who was in charge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was just what comes in the, uh, the pack that has those, that are small enough for that fridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe you. I indulge my, I like, if you go up to like, I indulge every like, oh I don't feel like being here kind of thing, I gotta just leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Anything, like I don't- That's nice. There's only like maybe four, like if I don't think the pants are comfortable, I will just go buy new pants. Yep. Yeah. Throw these pants away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't poop immediately. Uhm, I mean, sometimes. It all depends. This right away coffee makes this shit come out. Well, you got stuff to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. People are rarely in there. It's true. Like, people don't go into that bathroom. It's a good point. It's true. Yeah. It's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, did you, that's not, that's not my voice. I didn't know. I was, uhm, I was also filming, I just didn't film this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not a lot of warning. There's, it's not a long fuse between when you're like, oh, I might, oh, nope, it's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I knew what that looked like. I know. What kind of coffee table drawing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use the toilet. Welcome to Disneyland. Enjoy our toilets and rides. Stop shitting on our rides.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're gonna shit, shit at Six Flags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, are you asking, like, are you also providing the ticket to Disneyland? Cause if you'll take me to Disneyland, I'll just shit for free. Really? I'll shit for a ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? For a Disney ticket? Well, what I'll do is I'll probably shit in a bag before I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the log ride, like in the log ride where like, if you're going down the hill and then you shit and then you hit that water and people are like, what's that smell? You're like, it's probably the water, I smell it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? And her, like, a porn agent, a porn agent was like, what the fuck are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, okay. That's probably, you gotta go to Germany to make the film. Yeah. Not to just have someone shit on their chest. You can just go to Disneyland. Wait till we get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does she want? The next step is she's just gonna have to get like tossed into where they keep the pigs. Like that kind of thing. Like there's just not gonna be enough shit around. Like, it's, it's really, uh, it's disgusting. I mean it's really, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably gotta go with that first one, the sidewalk one still, because, uh, there's less shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's less human shit that might be mine, but at some point you're gonna stop being embarrassed by it. But I think I will die before I stop, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait for- as you're being arrested, you're yelling at the bike lane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, once you're done rubbing it on your tits, it's cut! Cut! Cut!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean really, that girl seems really down for whatever. She's down, she's super down. Could you imagine if you were, if that girl was your girlfriend and then you came up with something she wouldn't do? Like you'd feel crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been shitting on you for two years and you won't let me just one time pee in your butt or whatever you're into.


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[Assistant] So that guy, that guy, the guy's face is actually saying all this stuff. Body is a new person or.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's your face. Yeah. You didn't realize that? No, of course not. It doesn't really look like you. Really? It was like, it was like just your beard. No. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the faking they put your face onto other people's things? Or that was just, that happened that time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, Elon Musk has a weird flat, like flat face. It's like a green screen for a faking thing already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like 90% sure that he got abducted by aliens. Elon? Yea, but he can't tell anybody, that's why he got all those ideas, because as soon as you bring it up, you're crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be. But he's got that cool flat face.


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[Assistant] My dad wasn't, uh, it wasn't like a draw.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you get good and people come and then you, uh, put it on TV and then more people come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he looks pretty much the same as he did when I was a kid. Like his skin is definitely tighter and shinier now. How desperate do you have to be to show up and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's on TV, like once you get on TV, the person healed doesn't have to be in the room.


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[Assistant] So, whatever, that guy's a fucking con man. I beg you to take those.


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[Assistant] Inside a da- I love the reference. Wow. It was pretty good. Wait, wait, what is this? A current affair? Yeah. Why am I getting hammered by hard copy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the look on his face is like, I didn't believe in demons until he's, until he did that. Until he turned into one in this clip? Yeah. Look at this fucking maniac. This guy's a maniac. Yeah. Total psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine? If this guy was, uh, if this guy was like legitimately cunning in any way. Yeaah. The opposite of how he is? Yeaah, yeaah, a doofus. A doofucking con man, like a, like this guy's like a low rent. Look at how he's dressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy doesn't deserve to have any money. No. Look at that. That's a, that's a suit I could put together today without leaving the block.


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[Assistant] This is like, that's like one of those shows where, that's like when your, when your friend is like, you want to go to Disneyland? And then you get there and they're like, hey, you want to throw it on gas? And like, you, you invited me. Yeah. And now you want me to pitch in? Yeah. That's what this guy's doing. Like, welcome to the show. Is there any way you could just throw me some bucks for having a show? It's crazy. You talked me into watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to Holiday World. It's a rundown amusement park. We're gonna fix it up. That's, uh, I love that. And it's just so kids can have a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing that identifies it. We could probably get a little dough. I mean, we need it. Uh huh. I mean, these kids ain't fucking canoeing themselves down the thing. I gotta get some guides. I need to get a sun seeker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like anything bad you do is the devil. Anything bad that happens to you is God's will. You don't have to take any fucking ownership in your life. That's how these people are like, that's how they, that's how come those people cannot give a fuck about immigrants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And things like that, because if God actually cared about you, you would have been born cool and white like us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And eh, I grew up and I watched that cop out, I watched that cop out play out every day. Every day? Every goddamn day of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, to just shut it down? It was always, uh, like, if I ever asked any questions that were too confusing, I would get, uh, told I was being blasphemous. Like, as long as you're, you can just get that, you can get that label tossed at you. Because, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, maybe. I mean, it's hard to be. People didn't like season eight of Game of Thrones. And if that book was written long enough ago, we'd be calling that blasphemous now. Like you can just do whatever you want. And like I got sent to the principal's office for blasphemy. Anybody here ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They called my dad was working at the church next door. And so they like the principal and the teacher and my dad, they all were like, they prayed for me for a few hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was pretty blasphemous. I was trying to get a rise out of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, uhm, I wasn't trying to get it right. I remember, uh, her explaining something to me, just being like, that was the 7 days, it was just like a basic, I think I was like 14 or 15. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was the, it was right when seven came out, so I finally figured out that there were seven deadly sins or whatever.


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[Assistant] And uh, but then when they talk in the old testament, there's a whole bunch of them are being done and it's like, and it's God that's doing them.


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[Assistant] And, and then I asked about that and, uh. They're like, alright man. Go to the office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, because you also can't say I don't know. Right. I like going to the creation museum, that's near where I live, and that is just the biggest fucking, like if you want to see a scam, that guy built a Noah's Ark, and then tried to get money from the state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you been there a bunch? I've been there once. How is it? Uh, it's fucking stupid. It's a bunch of tours. Can you get a tour? Well no, there is a tour.


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[Assistant] They're like, but not too much older. But they just, they keep it vague. Alright, so 5,000 years ago. Uh, they, they, this is so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have like wax figures, like a Madame Tussauds thing, uh, but of like famous Bible people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they look like, they look like Nazi propaganda.


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[Assistant] They have no, like the noses and the faces, like it just looks, it looks, if it wasn't,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The creation museum, if there was somebody who would go in there and who knew how to like, sue about it or whatever, like it would have been taken care of, but instead it's just a bunch of people who don't even know if they know any Jewish people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, there's a, eh, these things are just put here to test our faith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there is an answer, there is a cop-out to everything. And that's all it is, it's just a built-in cop-out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a way to carve it out so that's what it is. And that is what the, that's what the gospel of prosperity, if you want, the prosperity gospel is taught is what's preached in America. The parable of the talents, go get you some, that kind of stuff. But that's not, that's not, that's not what's preached anywhere else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, you know why they always, why whenever you get abducted by aliens, they put stuff in your butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when you tell people that you got abducted by aliens...


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[Assistant] The part where they get to the put stuff in your butt part is when everybody checks out. And they're like, nah, I don't believe you.


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[Assistant] I think Elon Musk is smart enough to know, well I should just tell him I thought of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just scared because I don't know what kind of traffic stop it is. Is it a black person that gets killed?


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[Assistant] Uhm, is that com-comic sans too? Like it's not even like a cool font. It's IE as- It's a bad font. It's IE as, but I might not be great at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mistake right here is this guy has not said, uh, this guy should have called a lawyer. Like he should have said, like he should have called, he should have just called his friend or whatever. But if you, in this kind of thing, like I've done that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got pulled over because my headlight was out. And then the cop wanted to search my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And he was like, uh, can I search your car? And I said no. And he goes, he goes, why are you saying no? And I go, because I don't have time for this. Like I'm on my way home, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both know, like you pulled me over because the headlights out. Like that's, that's what the problem is. If you want to look at my headlight, go ahead. But you can't search the car. That happened outside the car. Yeah. And then he wouldn't let it go. And eventually, like there was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two more cop cars showed up? There were six cops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And me, and I'm trying to keep them out of my car for, you know, whatever, just in case. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was, uh, it was, I was nervous, but I kept saying, like, like the first guy was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna call the dogs and I'll have the dogs come down here. And, uh, and, uh, and I was like, go ahead, man. I'm going to walk over there and call a lawyer. Like I pointed at a payphone and that this is what happened. There's payphones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see why I thought of you? Yeah, yeah, I didn't get a ticket. I did it. So wait, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then that cop pulled me over nine more times before I moved out of that area. Are you being serious? Nine more times? Yeah, yeah. Because I showed him up that first night and didn't let him search my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything. Whatever the biggest- Like the smallest violation. Yeah, yeah, you were weaving inside the lane. Which is the thing I- you can get pulled over for. Even though you're in the lane. Like this is my lane. And then you get a ticket for that? No, no tickets. He would just fuck him with me every time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they would hate you so much for it. They would be like, how dare you, that's insulting. I bet his parents are mad at him. Because when you stand up to the cops when you're 23 years old, it's because you can't quit your dad. Like that's what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, like, that's why I was doing it, because I couldn't have any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my dad was, my dad was like that guy that overstepped and there was just never any talking to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have, you have to do one thing to do two things. You gotta do two things to do three things. We can't even get you motherfuckers on board with straws. We're trying to go, we, we tried with rape and incest. You were like, nah, all of them. We need some of them to be in the army.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the whipped cream in the foreground, but he's clever enough to not put it where you can see the whole label. But how would you describe him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm gonna be at Go Bananas. The best? On June 27th through the 30th. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So Cincinnati, I know some, I know some of you. Yeah. No, Tom. I was in my pajamas on, at the Aronoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be in Cleveland, too. I forgot, June 12th. It's a Wednesday, so it's probably free. And I'll be at Hilarity's. Great club. And, uh, that's it. And for now. Altered. Altered Tates. My brother and I have a podcast called Altered Tates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that man. Yea? Yea, it's a little, kinda cut it off though as it go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that's why I was just feeling, starting to kind of get into I think a mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see, I listen to some Bieber, I listen to some, uh, Goo Goo Dolls, I listen to a little bit of, uh, rap music. Yeah. And I listen to, uhm, country music too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude. Uhm. This is why I don't want to fly abroad to get my teeth whitened or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably since I've been off a year. You've been off for a year? But there's been a couple, like maybe just two or three hiccups, you know? Yeah. So, and the one loophole a lot of times I find, if I want to get on my cell phone where I don't want to watch any pornography and you can put blockers on your cell phone and your computer, then the loophole is on Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twitter somehow kind of gets through the... Tell me, what's the origin of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't want it anymore. I don't like it. I feel like it's just the devil, you know? I feel like it just makes me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, yeah, it just wasn't doing me any good, man. I didn't like the way it made me felt, uh, made me feel. I didn't like the way that, I didn't like masturbating at night. After a certain point, it was just like, what's going on? Like this doesn't seem like someone doing for joy. It just seemed like a bad habit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it felt like an unhealthy habit. It didn't feel like an addiction, but it felt like, okay, it's the end of the night. Like, I'll, you know, jerk off then go to bed. And it just felt like, what is this even?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's just not that important or it's not really a real thing. I don't know. I just start to worry about what other ways it was like landing in my brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm from the south, I'm from Louisiana, but I didn't have a religious upbringing, but it just made me feel kind of, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So wait- That makes me scared, sex tourism. Yeah? Yeah, it should. Flying somewhere to fuck something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When in Louisiana did you grow up? Maybe it's outside of New Orleans, about maybe like 50 miles, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just pretty, kinda rural area. It wasn't like redneck or something. I mean it was like a little bit country, but just kinda rural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cu- I started cutting it myself again, I don't trust the guy who's doing it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so, but no, I think in like in the news and stuff they just, it was people that had never even been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you if I'm from somewhere else. Right, fuck you if I'm from somewhere else. And also they would say like, oh well people, you know, they, women aren't allowed to have, you know, feelings or views like where you're from and stuff like that. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People in my neighborhood were wearing women's haircuts when I was a child. Like how much more supportive can you get than wearing a shitty woman's haircut? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I guess kind of, uh, I don't remember if I did or not. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it comes in slowly off the back of the neck and there's times where you can kinda get it cut in as like, uh, I mean most of the world looks at this as a soccer haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go a lot of places and it's soccer. It's soccer. You're just a big soccer fan. It's only like here where it's like, you know, where soccer hasn't really taken as much of American, you know. Do you like soccer? I like it more and more because it's more of a world game, you know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, but yeaah, at first it was just kind of creeping down the neck and I was like, oh, what's going on? And then people would kind of say stuff and then I was like, I don't know, I just feel more comfortable. You know, and I have a big nose, you know, and I have kind of big ears and Brendan told me I have a big lip, you know, and so, well, he said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has two lips in each ear. He's got a weird mouth. Yea, so take that, Brendan, because he did say that. And then also I'll say this, that he uhm, and he said some other stuff, but. Not nice stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit or miss I think. But I'll say this though that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that kind of like change was coming about more into like art and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Topical conversation and stuff, which I think is good, you know, but also I think a lot of men, sometimes when that happens, men feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're wrong or something's wrong. Like half my buddies were like, dude, I think I might be a rapist, you know, hit me with these texts and stuff. Cause of like, just people were scared. Yeah. Just like a lot of fear. So I think this gave me like a thing where it's like, okay, well this is something that I can still kind of feel like a man, but I'm not like raping anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think just the, probably the commitment of it, it literally makes my crotch almost roll up into my fucking body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, he liked to sleep in his car sometimes, but I don't think he was like, with other women, I think it was just him in there, you know? Cause he would drink too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think sometimes if it's like not too sexual, if it's not like a real sexual environment, I'm more okay with it. But, if yeah, if I'm really doing sex with somebody, I don't really want to be sleeping, you know, with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even like a 30 night stand, I couldn't even. Really? Yea, it would have to be separate rooms, separate, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, at some points I'm like, do I want to keep trying to figure this out or just want to live my life?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this is just who I am, you know? Maybe I'm that bear that scratches his back on the tree. You seen that bear on, uh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? No, we're doing great, but it's still just, I'd rather be on here. Hey, I wanna hear about your day though. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, brother. I appreciate that, man. Yeah, sorry. You even hung up on me. I did? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am sorry though. Uhm, what happened was, I'll tell you this, so, I got here, and I was just kinda frustrated, I had this bag of stuff, you know, and it's in like a garbage bag, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, and so it's just like different things in there. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I was in the parking lot, I didn't know where to go, the numbers are very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does anybody care? You know, I'm out here with a bag of stuff and a garbage bag and- You felt abandoned. Yes. I felt abandoned. This lady's out there, the guy's honking the horn then to get his wife back in the car. And she had pulled too close to the mail thing to get her door open and she was trying to get out, but also trying to smoke at the same time. It's important. Yeah. And so it just kind of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I woke up, I did prayer and meditation right when I got up. I woke up about 7.30. Is that a regular habit too? It tries to be. So yeah, today I did well with it and then I went to the gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like I just have to be understanding. Yeah, that's hard. So I had to take a, you know, I had to be understanding. She broke some glass and she broke something else. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she has three children and I know she tries hard and it's like, you know, I just try to be understanding so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, that happened. Oh, and then I was on the way here. Oh, I'll put up a tweet like they got a new lady that's working at the White House, right? Who's like the press secretary. Uh huh. Is there a new one right now? So they got rid of the, or the Sanders, Sanders is leaving out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I put up a tweet just saying like, you know, thanks for your service and welcome to the new woman, right? Just because like, I don't think of it as a political thing, but these women have been through hell. Like people made fun of that lady so much that it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would never make fun of a woman that much, like a lot of it was real mean, I thought. You know, I don't care who they are, I don't care what political party they work for, but, so anyway, people gave me some backlash about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even go look through all the reactions, I just saw one and somebody said something and it didn't really upset me, it just made me, like, it's like if you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who are like, oh I support women, but they only support some women. It's like women in certain instances they don't. Like I just think about, here's two women who probably have to go to work every day, who have like a, it's a pretty high esteemed job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no matter who their administration is, these women are probably grateful to have the opportunity, you would think, just because they probably worked most of their life, maybe to get this position. And sometimes it's just like people can be so mean to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people, but it's okay not to, you know, it's just like, and I don't really draw those lines. For me, it's like, you know, here's a woman who probably has to be resilient constantly. People make fun of the way that she looks and, but then it's wrong to make fun of the way that, that somebody else looks, you know, it's like, I don't know, some of that stuff kind of makes me mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not here, yeaah. And it's changing, I think it'll take a little more time for some of that to, or to meld a little bit better. But yeaah, something about that, like, you know, like, it just, I didn't like that, like, it seemed like everybody, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That lady was fair game for some reason. And you know, she was not the most beautiful lady, Sarah Sanders, but I felt like she


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, moments, I wonder how close you'd have to get to light a cigarette on it, you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you never fucked your mom? Dude, and uh, first of all, both these guys sound like they might be black guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and I would never, even if I was a black guy, I would never say to another black guy, I fucked your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really, she dated this guy that used to take us over to the Holiday Inn a lot of times. Uhm, what else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll say this man, I don't really, I'm not, I mean I'm close with him but not super close, but he's not the kind of guy that would lie about something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll try to give you a clue without saying too much. Okay. Indoors. Indoors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would say out of maybe 100% friendship, I would probably say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I feel like this is probably when he needs a friend the most, probably. So as much as I probably sometimes don't want to be his friend, it's like, that's the easy way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, hurt my feelings. You know, made me sad, not surprised also. He seemed like somebody when I was young that was gonna kill somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot believe that's who's head that is. Yea, cause we're getting this thing, um, drawn on the walls, this mural, and there's a guy's head on a plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't know who it was. I'm like, who is that? And people try to explain it to me and it sounds really, oh, that's not a real thing. Yeah. And then, uh, and that's him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right buddy. What's it from? It's from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't know. Oh, I think Brendan one time I told him that he looked like he got stung by a bunch of bees and he told me I look like I got, like my hair looks like a rat. And so then... It just came from like a jab, like a friendly jab. It just became like a little bit of like an alter ego and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I won the TFATK belt two years in a row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like people vote on it, it's like fan voting or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was tough and the first time like I came out of this, you know, he had like, he was already like a real, you know, a real wizard, you know? And so yeah, it felt pretty good. It was nice. It was really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then Rappaport kind of made fun of me one time, so I had to drop him in his place one time and put on the whole Rat King regalia. And then a Rat King is just like, it's like bottom feeders, they like, a Rat King is like a group of rats that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he, my buddy Dustin Poirier, he's a fighter, you know, he fights in the UFC stuff. And he's fighting like a big scary guy from... I don't fucking know where. Some guy who's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically the guy's been like training like in the dark and stuff.


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[Assistant] So I thought that was interesting. Yeah. It just how, just cause under, like only people like you're saying that have like a, a, that come from somewhere. Like if you don't come from anywhere, then you never even get that opportunity in life, you know, to like not have that thing behind you that's like safe, you know. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's funny, I guess maybe in part of my head I always felt like maybe I would be a chef or do, you know, I don't know, trucking or something, I don't even know. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just think, you know, I felt, I don't know, I just felt like, I think there was some point where I felt like you guys didn't like me, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, well Brenda, in Brenda's defense, and I'm sorry Christina, but in Brenda's defense, but he goes, I'm going on uh, Tom and Christina's podcast, or Christina and Tom's, and he did say your name first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's get into, I mean, I'm not, I'm not, and I'm not a, I'm not a Christina Denier. I'm just saying that I don't, I know that I never held a Chihuahua probably in my entire life. I've, I have threatened owners of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, you know, Tom started to get successful and I thought then I would see him and it seemed like maybe, maybe some of that story was already building in my head, you know? I mean, some of the stories will build in my head. All of us have that happen. Right. Yeah. And I don't really, but for me, I don't think of like that, you know, my, my brain doesn't also say, Oh, but hey, remember you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't say that to be mean, and I don't even know if that's true. But what I will say is, yeaah, I think, uh, yeaah, some of it I probably let build up in my head a little bit. And I didn't have any ill will, I just thought, oh yeaah, for some reason they don't like me. I definitely, I definitely started our handshake today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, we're talking to you at this point. Right, you and I were talking. And I remember even, I remember I donated blood one time because uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody said you weren't doing well. And I remember feeling bad about that or feeling like, well here I am fight, uh, like, you know, at odds with a man that is not doing well. And you donated blood? Well, I think it was, it was around, this was probably around a time I was donating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing a lot of blood, actually. And, uh, and this, and I remember one time going in there and thinking like, man, yea, if I'm living my life like this while other people are being sick, then what the fuck am I doing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That hit me. That did not hit you. That hit me. The mouse guy. The mouse guy. I thought I had it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He must be getting better if he's making cool jokes. Okay, and there's this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's fine. No, you're not, uh, I know you would be if you were, you'd be, um, who's, uh, Burt Kreischer's friend, the comedian. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Tom Segura. And I couldn't remember your name there. For real? Yeah. I couldn't remember your name. And we actually, the funny thing is we have different people's names on the wall, so I don't forget them. And yours had fallen off the wall.


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[Assistant] It's okay. No, it's not okay. Well you're right it isn't, but it's also okay.


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[Assistant] Yea, me too, and I'm not trying to say that, I shouldn't have said anything, but I don't know, you know, I don't even know y'all's children, I don't even know what they look like. Well, they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I don't, I don't, I didn't, that's me, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it doesn't ring, I mean it does, I don't remember, I can't imagine I would ever say anything like that. That's crazy if I would say something like that. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I remember we co-headlined, I remember we, yeaah, we took turns head doing, going before or after each other on the shows. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe I felt like you didn't, I don't know, I don't know where some of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I ever had any animosity, I thought maybe you didn't like me and then that's why Tom didn't like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so there was just, but obviously a lot of that was in my own head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same, and I'm sorry if I ever said something that hurt your, uh, you know, made you guys feel, you know, like that I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, I mean sometimes, you know, even my actions aren't even what I want them to be, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's a sweetheart, man. He never stops fighting, man. That's for dang sure. He's our neighbor now, you know. Is he really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very simple. It takes a lot of money to do what we


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[Assistant] Do you think that's a good place for a preacher to be and prepare to go preach to a lot of people when somebody in there is dragging some woman down an aisle. It made me so mad to see that on television. I wanted to punch the guy out myself. I can't be doing that while I'm getting ready to preach.


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[Assistant] Five to six inch letters, bold, capitalized, and white letters on the back window. It takes a, it's as big as this third brake light.


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[Assistant] I hate some of these. They bum me out. They bum me out, Steve.


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[Assistant] Well, that's what I like to do and I always, always try to be honest.


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[Assistant] No, I haven't come over, I have, and then we, we haven't drank or two, I haven't done a sip.


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[Assistant] See how they really are. If they're uncomfortable, then I know they're not my type.


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[Assistant] No, it was just too much gossip and I didn't want to hear she-she jokes. That's why they had to move.


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[Assistant] If I know, if I know when we get along, it's okay as long as I don't get bruised, bruised, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could be sexy, but I also, when it comes to summertime, I go to Coney Island, I perform my, I perform my karaoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I sing, and like, uhm, I do Humbert things, Tom Jones, all these people, and I generally, like, get to the people I know, and then if I, if I have a good day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like them bossy, but then again, I like them when I come home, cause I'm a controlled person. When I come home, I want them to take a control, cause when it goes off, I'm controlled, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I design like, uh, costumes and- Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jean, uh, May 5th and 11th, I'll be in Tempe at the Tempe- It's Tempe. Tempe. At the Tempe Improv. Tempe. Tempe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 31st through June 1st, Burbank, California, Sperm Bank, Flappers, June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Hum at the D.C.


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[Assistant] Improv tickets at Christina P online. When's that one? Uh, June 20th through 22nd. Nice.


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[Assistant] Also, if you haven't seen my two comedy specials, check them out on Netflix, Mother Inferior, and The Degenerates. Thank you.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Well it's neat that he shares it with the rest of the world and not her.


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[Assistant] You go on these four hour hikes, you come back hours past, it's dark outside, you're not sweaty at all, you smell nicer than you did when you left. Like yesterday, you said you were working out and you came home and you smelled good when you came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a lot of 40s around the house that you didn't forget that you're 40.