[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it has something to do with the molecules being heated up. F A R T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you know why? Okay, think about it. When you cook food in the microwave, the molecules bounce around and the smell emanates because of the heat. But why is it hot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High fiber makes it hotter. Now but why does fiber translate to heat in your bum hole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I never, and isn't that amazing? You go through your whole life, just accepting that as a given, and then one day somebody just challenges your whole way of being.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like yesterday I was eating a bowl of my own soup, not mousse soup, just veggie soup, and I thought I shouldn't have a second bowl because it's gonna make a lot of hot farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I'll even let out a fart during a massage even if I have a sphincter control, if the control is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's sexual energy because it's not dispersed naturally through raising that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like it's unconscious where they have similar features. And if you look at the two of us, both of us have big lips. I have beautiful eyes. Yours are kind of bulgy like fiefs, but we have similar, uh, you know, the dark, baggy under eye circles. And I mean, our kid looks


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your penis is enormous, like, yeaah, they say that you look for people that look similar to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I think it's a total meshing of our unconscious bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you and I, that's why we work well together, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have such a good unconscious pairing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have like ultimate frisbee leagues and dumb shit like that around fucking frisbee. Stupidest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta keep white people occupied. Yeah, he was real excited. Idle hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like two of the most boring sports put together in one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can be a fat fuck. Like bowling too, it doesn't require- Do you have that joke, that joke about it? What is it, the triple crown of lazy, darts, bowling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think that's the problem. That's it. I mean, even theoretically with golf for me is that it requires no physical ability. It's a huge time suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only ever, uh, no, I've never played. I've never actually golfed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Doubtful. Okay. Hold on, I'm deaf in one ear here. Can I fix this? Sure. Yeah. Brace yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's still Fakakta. It's weird. It just happened when we came back from our call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe when you're old, I mean I get it when you're old, because then you got, if you're retired, perfect. You got nothing but time, hang out with your friends, you don't need to have a lot of ability, it's definitely an older man's. Gentlemen, gentlemen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you one thing that our trainer told me? That is very, it's been upsetting me. She says she has a friend who has the Toto washlet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But her model flushes itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When she told me that they have a toilet that flushes for them, I felt like we were the poorest people ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I guess so. I guess they have to use their imagination and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think what ruins porn for me too is all the scenarios and the build up, like just go to the bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's not like I'm, I'm really pleased with myself when I'm doing that, so I'm like, just get in, get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm not, I'm not in a good place if I'm, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't time myself, but I definitely don't wanna like, lounge and put my feet up and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And usually it's such a vulgar area. You know, the neighborhood is so dark. The stills are like, cream pie, double fist, anal. I'm like, I don't want any of that. Just give me normal. Where's like the normal section?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, it's too crazy. That's what I'm saying. I think it's not that I'm so ashamed of myself, more so that the neighbor- it's so crazy just to find a- like a relatively tame clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not into the six guy prolapse colon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Anal, fisting, double fucked, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just normal stuff's exciting enough for me personally. Just guy-girl, just five, five-pointering guys and two girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she was like, I'm holding it in, it's a little painful right now. I don't want our kid fucking pulling on a snake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's go back to the pee lady, this is hilarious. She's gonna get enlightened by putting piss in her ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's putting piss up her butt. And her asshole. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, how long four minutes is? Remember when LJ and I, again, but remember when LJ and I were riding the train in the mall? That was four minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know how much it hurts to have, have you ever had like anything pushed up your butt, like an NMR or anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I put a suppository in my butt, just that suppository, it's not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, when you put something up your bum, it absorbs immediately into your bloodstream. You know that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I don't even know if it's okay to put urine in your bung hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then there's toxins in urine that are going right into her bloodstream. There's a reason it's waste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really thought provoking suggestion, and- What if somebody like Donald Trump said it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any health benefits to putting urine in your, in your bum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's waste. You're essentially putting, it's like putting poo in your butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be like taking a shit and then making the shit liquid and then putting the shit up your own butt. That's kinda, I mean, urine is waste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you can drink your own urine. If you let it sit, it'll separate and then you can drink the clearer part of it. I read that in a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's a indicative of yes, your water intake and fiber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't forget fiber or any irritation. Now you didn't tell us what number you're taking. Is it loosey goosey? Are we talking, you know, is it, is it a little bit of a slider? What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, look, I was excited about the special, I had a little too many to celebrate, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you held it together. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a heckler. It's like when you're doing your show and some drunk assholes trying to sabotage your night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told you. I had a little too much too much to drink. That happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, I know where our dogs are right now because of the whistle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to a restaurant and they had them bring you a slice of birthday cake and you got really scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This place where we go, they have a fantastic cake and you don't want to miss out on it. You don't have to add the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got so mad. Why do you hate that so much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. How about Bang? Do you like it when they sing Happy Birthday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just conceded that I'm more fun and more festive and therefore a personality champ. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jake looked at me, walked her up. It smells like shit in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause when I got home, and they left again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is Vegas different for you than when you first came here? What was the first time you, you performed in Vegas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you showed up in 1947, what was it? It wasn't a little bit of a dusty cow town. It was, what was it, what was it like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you get down there? How'd you get down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, welcome to Alive, your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you fucking Puerto Ricans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is true. We went to the beach today and they, and we went to a, uh, the guy at the hotel and we're like, can we get an umbrella? And he's like, yeah, but you just gotta, you know, you can't get in the water. And I was like, what do you think we're going to do here, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, why can't we get in the water? And he goes, this bacteria is real high. And I go, is that common? And he goes, I've been here a few years, I've never heard of it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We flew here, and we'll make sure this is all working though. Hold on a second. So just to make sure that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you? Just because they're assuming you're a woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I told him, and he goes, he thought it was hilarious. And then he goes, I told Conan, and maybe we'll get to it. And I was like, are you fucking serious? And he goes, he could go there. And I go, alright. And I was, the whole time, I was just anticipating him being like, tell me about fartmistress.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, yeah, we'll see my guest at the fucking other place. And I was like, oh, okay. See you later. Yeah. But I was really excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least, at least video her hearing them and maybe processing the movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I told her like a couple thousand dollars and she goes, I'm not a prostitute. And I go, well what's your number? And she goes, 3000?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but here's, she has advice for you. So it's like, it's the person, imagine the person that's like, I've been divorced nine times, giving you relationship advice, like that. And you're like, but you suck at this. And then she's like, I know, I know, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think this is affecting your going to the bathroom? Of course! Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to admit, it bums me out too. Like, we have bidets now in three bathrooms at home. I feel like we're falling out of control, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. You gotta really ease into turning it on, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that crazy that basically every decision a guy makes is connected to coming somehow?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I have an uncle who like just started crying at 75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely, yeah. No, cause he's, he has, he's friends with a lot of older, like older than him. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, you know, my buddy, whatever, he takes a pill, my other buddy, he has to inject himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, not to hit it again, but I was thinking about it on the toilet, because sometimes you're like, thinking about toilet water. Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, from high school, at high school, college, girls were always like, Jesus, what is up with all this jizz, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I actually asked a doctor about it once. Yeaah. Cause you know you have like, men have like, it's like a contraction, right? Yeaah. Like, I had, so I went to the doctor, I was like, I was a, I don't know like 18, 19, I was like, look man, I'm busting these huge ass nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are live in Breastballs Beach, Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uhm, so that guy was pretty pissed off. Yes. He's talking to an elevator manufacturing rep on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't. But it's a good way to provoke. See what happens. Just poke a little bit. Hey, is that slut still there? And then they're like excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what stands out to me the most about that? Is that he will shove it up your noses. Right, right, right. Like, to be that angry, and the natural inclination to be like, I'll shove up your fucking ass, and he was like, uh-uh. Stub that fucking elevator up your nose. Wow. It's almost like he pulled his anger in for a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would hurt to have an elevator shoved in any orifice that you have. But yea, your nose, you'd definitely die. For sure. If I put an elevator up your nose. Yea, that hurts so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What really stood out to me about her, this lady gave herself a urine enema, was that, yeaah. Here, let me bring it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pissed in a bucket is what you're saying and you're gonna put it in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had, one of my friends, my mom's, was like, can't trust doctors, like they'll, they'll fuck with you. And I'm like, what? And, like when you're sick too, you know, I was like, I'm going to the doctor, she was like, that's stupid, only an idiot would go to the doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she had all these alternative therapies, which I'm sure, like, I'm not saying that there's no alternative therapy that has, you know, value, but if you keep embracing that only alternative works, then you end up putting your own piss in your ass, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I understand, like, again, you're, you're putting your own piss in your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like Trump at a Trump rally or something, right? Like maybe that's why he has such a big ego. He's like, I'm putting piss in my ass every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, all the things, it's like, it's automatic. Like, I'm just good at everything, but I do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, especially for like that finishing, you know what I mean, rounding third, I like to go back to the, like I can go left, left, left, like up, and then it goes to the right hand, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we should go out to dinner sometime. I'll tell you like, I'll tell you a bunch of stuff. If you wanna, if you wanna find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you say bless you before I sneeze, I'll knock you the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes me so upset when you're like on the edge and someone's like bless you and I'm like FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I don't know, it goes away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how it feels. Don't you like that feeling? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a lot of wax, it's hereditary. That's what my dad told me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very cute. Uhm, alright. Do you want to go back to this or no? Listen, listen to this. No? You don't like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, also, at 1508 there was a sound of what I think was a touched individual attempting to sing. It was deeply disturbing and hope it was just an equipment issue that can be fixed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it says click here to hear it. Here's this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was great. I mean, no, once a listener brought it to my attention, I was totally blown away. You had me believing Clark's supposed to shit out for years. That's what my mother taught me. That's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, here's a thought provoker that's also foul. Uh, it says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the same moment while she barfed and made a sound only Christenza could love, she farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which raises the question, what do you call it when you puke and fart at the same time? Keep it high and tight and poly and bi. Sincerely, hot cocoa. Whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, what? About retarded people voting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause they can't be like, dude, not you. Like you can't. You go to a vote and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're like, I can't vote, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but what if he was like, you know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what if you see him and you're like, this guy doesn't know what day it is, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you would have to be just beyond, like, literally they would have to be like, no. Like, you know, like it was like, ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you can't find your way in the booth, then maybe they can go like, you definitely can't, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see. This one? Okay. Hi, Hitler. God damn it. They're all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys think deaf people are more grossed out by farts than non-deaf people? That's a good question though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look at it like this. Their other senses are heightened, just like blind people, including the smells. But add into the mix, they can't hear them. A silent but deadly is always worse because it sneaks up on you. Basically their whole life is nothing but silent but deadly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that is true because every time someone could, it could be like super loud and you'd be like, what the fuck man? Yeah. It would just kick you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He basically locked down. Retarded. Um, I mean that is, that is, this is him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Jerry Lewis. If you didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He died, and they did this thing, the Hollywood Reporter, which is, it's really big in, in LA, the trades, right, like the industry news, and Hollywood Reporter's definitely one of the biggest. They did a special interview where they were interviewing people that are still working in Hollywood over 90 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, they were also celebrating them, you know? They're like, you're old as fuck, and you're still entertaining people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's pretty, you know, it's probably a, it's a cool thing. Hollywood Reporter calls you, you work in Hollywood, it's a big deal. They go to his house, he allows them into his house, they set up for a, an interview that's gonna be in print, but also to air online. And he was such a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it's kinda hilarious, but like, he just was like, it's like, why would you even say yes to the interview?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? So that, imagine being in the interview and be like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then if you're this guy, you're like, oh my god. So then he goes like, cause you're basically letting him to just talk more, not give you one word answer. So he's like, well here's one I know factually you'll have to give me a different answer. He asks him, how is Vegas different now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good question. I don't see how it could be the meal you just ate. It can't be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this came in, let's see what this is here. This is a, I have like a fucking goddamn gnat. Alright. So this is Scottish. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that by the way, that the beginning is she's saying you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now you're going to say, see when you finally get the balls to admit it, you're going to say one or two lassies. That's what the whole thing, that's what she says. I swear to you. Yes. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does. He says, when I slept with someone else, I told her. When she did it, she lied for a year and a half. That's right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's stage three cancer, actually. That's uhm, no, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, oh yea, that's a deaf, that's like the southern preppy look, you know what I mean? And I go, yea, I hate him so much too. And she's like, who dresses like that? I'm like, 18 million people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the seersucker, that's super southern. You see that in like Georgia, Alabama, Carolinas, racist places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get the suit, you get the tiki torch, you're ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they did. And they're like, I like the way I look. I'm gonna go out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah. Also, you wanna get that twin thing came in. We've been really asking great questions about twin dicks. You read out, you read out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any twins here? No twins. It's like almost 500 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't want to come? These guys are actually twins and they're talking about it. They couldn't get inside, she was too tight. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, they're twins. So, but here's what the guy says, this is what he gets to. So this lady's interviewing these two twins, one of them basically says that, you know, a guy had trouble with the girl she was with, and then he explained it. Okay. It was, they were friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got everything that's the same. Yea, we're twins. Everything is the same. Everything is identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's compelling shit. ABC's gonna do a profile next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for Filler Up, Sealer Shut, we're doing today a Your Mom's House edition of Filler Up, Sealer Shut, meaning


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we're going to discuss people that have been featured on the show. So first, first we have the ladies, okay. So would you rather fill up and seal shut Rain Florence?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you, you know who that is. Or, would you rather fill up and sales shot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it, it actually depends what mood you're in. If you want to get fucking wild, you go moo soup all the way. If you want to like, really take your, yea, if you want to have like an emotional connection, then rain is like, pee in my butt now, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just depends what you like. Let's ask the audience. Who here would rather make sweet love multiple times to rain Florence, the urine therapy lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so now we have this other one. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeaah. Now it's the men. Cause I'm definitely, I'm with them. I'm going moose soup. I'm just going to fucking party. Yeah, because also, you know she drinks, you're just like, just give me a handle of whiskey and I'll fucking do it. You just get through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, would you rather have sex with this man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just pumping over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found old videos of him, like, like, I don't know, 30 plus years old, still, he was talking about your dick and your balls then, like he's, he hasn't wavered at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's a really interesting one to think about. So you have a guy who for 50 years he's just been like touching his dick, talking about his dick, talking about sex. So maybe it'd be like the most mind blowing sexual experience you could ever have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what about, that's the thing, in this scenario what's supposed to be happening is these guys are going to town for like hours. So you can't really think of it as in and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me my reward. That's a porn clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. What else is there? Is there anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take it in the face. The grandmother walks in on masturbating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll say this before we get started with Would You Rathers. You have a gift for these. You really do. Thank you. You've come up with some of the best ones ever. Thank you. It's suffering. And they come out of you like that. It's amazing. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just smell your own fart with a mask on. Right. Do you realize that like, as crazy as you look to people when you're like, this is my urine, uh, if you walk into the bank with your fart mask on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard to perform. Your stand-up career is over. Like, you can't call the club, make sure you have the mic inside my mask so I don't miss any farts while I'm up there. No. They won't, they won't hook you up with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty awful, but I still think you have some chance, you know, like some people would not notice your mason jar, some people would be like, okay, and kind of, you know what I mean, kind of move, move on. I think you have to go mason jar. A fart mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you say helmet, but you're describing a mask. Right, right. It's over, your face is concealed, and then when people are like, are you scared about the apocalypse? You're like, no, I have a fart tube going from my ass to my mouth. And they're like, I'll see you later. And then they just walk away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How could, you what? You like your own brand, but your job is over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hearing you whistle sounds worse. I hate whistling. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on, hold on. What you propose is so absurd that I actually forgot what the other option is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are, you are 51-50 if you choose one wipe over not flossing again. Are you out of your goddamn mind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's, there's, that's what the Supreme Court would hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are you gonna wash your asshole if you can't get your hands wet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot be one wipe guy. You gotta be kidding me. There would be times, there would be times when you're like, I just can't jump in the shower and you could not, I could not go through life like, why are you shrugging like, ehh, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, but look, it's been, it's so fun, uh, that, that you guys came out tonight and we love, we absolutely, I tell people this all the time, we love doing the podcast. It's the, it's our favorite thing that we do. So, uh, thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's like two square, for those of you who aren't watching on YouTube, like two total, you know, preppy newscasters.


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[Assistant] She gets real. That made me laugh. I like that stuff a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well and it's something that in private life you and I still practice. All the time. We yesterday decided to actually have fun for the first time in a long time and we took off the rest of the afternoon and we went to eat Italian food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we saw the most boring movie on the fucking planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring joy to your heart. So we saw Murder on the Orient Express, which is based on the Agatha Christie book from 1902.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's a little dull because it's one backdrop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that and when you don't clue the audience in on how the detective is coming to his conclusions, well he'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They won't even show anything. He'd be like, I noticed a scrape in the painting. And you're like, what painting? We never saw that. So he just deduces shit without even knowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, one thing that really bothered us in this film, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dame Judi Dench is in it. She's great. I mean, I could watch her do anything. And she has two little lap dogs. Two? I thought she had one. I thought it was two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the whole time, I mean, I was concerned because I'm like, where are these dogs shitting and pissing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a neat pitch. And also, like, I watch people on airplanes taking international flights with their dogs, and I think, well, how are those dogs pissing and shitting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a feeling I should open with, you guys are dog lovers, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's the way to get them on board, and then I could be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like that one. And then if they don't like that one, I was thinking I could follow it up. Okay, well not that one. But what about Dog Dick Afternoon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like this idea, but I am serious, it was distracting me the entire time. As a dog lover, I was very upset at the idea of Dame Judi Dench keeping this dog hostage on this train. I'm serious though, how do you think they let the dog piss and shit on the Orient Express?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked about it on this show, actually. Yeah, okay, good, I love advice on this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amanda, I hear you because I had the same exact fear when I was pregnant with Ellis, and I will tell you that I never vomited with him. So first of all, emetophobia is a phobia of vomiting, and I've had it since I was like nine years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uhm, it helped me to talk about it with my therapist. If you have a therapist, I would recommend doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I will tell you that when I was pregnant with Ellis, I would get nauseous, but I would will it away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so there's a medicine that can suppress the spasms in your stomach. Uh, so again, like, that is something you can ask your doctor to prescribe you if you have a severe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, cause it's actually, I mean, I've read about it. Let's say you have food poisoning. It's not necessary for it to come out of your stomach. It can go out the other way, which is why a doctor would presc, sorry, subscribe it. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! Stop it, I remember in the sink and I didn't like it and I remember seeing the green parts of it and I fucking flipped out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I've learned to contain my anxiety. I get it. And I'm so afraid of when Ellis is going to get food or stomach problems. Cause it's hap- it's hap- it's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what, let's, I mean, he did go to rehab for three whole days, so let's not forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're in the same rehab facility? Oh, good for them. They can compare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's that shithead that raped a 13 year old and he went to Paris?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, let's put it this way. It's been in our industry, we've all known. The comedians have spoken about it for the last...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, again, if you're in our shoes and you hear a story like that about somebody, you don't, you weren't there, you don't know all the facts, you don't know, you don't know what's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, what's not, what's, you know what I mean, like stories, the telephone game is like, okay, I don't know, I don't, you don't know everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, like, is it, is it worth ruining someone's entire life? You're like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and I think too, uhm, right? Like all crimes, there's different levels of crime. You have first degree murder, second degree murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I think right now like to lump him in with a Harvey Weinstein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No man, it's so fucked up. I think what really breaks your heart and what breaks our hearts, I think you and I, pacifically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, is that Louis is such a super talent too, and you go like, man, that's the guy we all, we all look up to as the gold standard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's confusing, and I think it is. Cosby, Cosby. Cosby was the worst, cause you're at the same, as a fan, like let's take it back, uh, as a fan of these people, it's, it's such a psychological mindfuck, you're like, wait, am I allowed to like this person anymore? I think the other part of it that affects you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a fucking bummer, dude. It's just a serious bummer. It is, the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that stuff too, you're like, well look, the manager's only going by what he's been told by the client. And it's the manager's job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but it is a necessary thing to do to start weeding out these jerk-offs that are abusing women, abusing and molesting children by the way. Corey Feldman's coming out and naming people who in the 80s were molesting and he said this is a known thing, that there are pedophiles in Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's fucking unbelievable. But it's, it is, it is a necessary thing to get things more equal and to clean up the business a little bit, you know? Yeah. It's, it's terrible. The whole thing is devastating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's enough, uh, show business talk. You know, we usually don't talk current events, uh, but you know, this is happening in our, in our community, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank god. I mean, she's retarded and Machines Within have become the two smash hit songs of the fall season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be great if we could have that played at a club and then people halfway through would be like, wait a minute, what does this guy say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. That's not a bad name. There's the dead boys. Suicide boys. Not a bad name for a band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, now I could not have a relationship with Scrim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but wait a minute, now he likes, uh, black women, but he's asking them to bleach their anuses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, you bleached the skin around your anus, which is, I imagine, very painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he requires ass bleaching or suds in the hole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, then he doesn't really like eating ass. I feel like he likes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you're into eating buttholes, don't you want it to be kinda in a state of a butthole? Then he may as well lick a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A forearm or a forehead, you know what I'm saying? I see what you're saying. Like, then the taboo is gone if there's no tang on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a whole day of me running around. Would you lick my butthole after Pilates?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His standards are just too high for me. Too much. I ca- I mean, I can't get my b-hole hair less. I don't wax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wax down there. I don't believe in pouring hot wax on my most sensitive parts of my body and then ripping it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't. I refuse. I think it's cruel and unusual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you think like, you've gotten the memo that general societal consensus is shave or wa- you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't bother me per- I don't care. But do you know that the trend now for girls is totally bald?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean look, I'm not one of those people that grows out my armpit hair. I do let the leg hair go because it's blonde.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you put a bow on it? You know what I don't like is, uh, personally, like, buff guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shaved their chest and then you see the growth come in a little. Personally, I just, I'm like, just have hair. Just have hair, I know. It doesn't bother me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's why you're doing it, cause you feel like the grow out is making it show more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know, I didn't understand this logic. I really did. Oh really? No, I didn't know. What did you think was happening? I thought you were, you just wanted to be like, uh, you know, cool guy. I don't know. Like an older dad. And just go ahead and get your dad, your dad cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I did not know this. I think it looks great. I think you're very handsome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like change. I've been with the same hairdresser since I was 20 years old. That's 21 years I've been going to Allen. No one else has colored my hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like change. And I like you to look the way I'm used to you looking, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It took me a while to get used to it. At first I was shocked, cause I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I like it because I feel like it's more rugged. I feel like you're like, oh, you know, you're gonna go hunt stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I want to bring up, uhm, something we didn't talk about when we were on vacation with your family in August. It was your father's 70th birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was his 70th birthday and both your sisters and their spouses and your mother, all of us were there. And well, why don't you tell the story? Because this is your brilliant idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the night before his 70th birthday, on the last night of him being 69, will you give him 69?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hey, this might be a good time to bring up my appearance on the Adam Carolla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was nice to meet Adam Carolla because I've been listening to him since forever. I grew up here in LA and back when he was on K-Rock doing Love Line with Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's amazing, very, very gracious, very kind, uh, very fun. So it just spontaneously happened. We were doing some topics and I happened to get into this with Adam and I thought you guys might enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, do you have a bidet situation or are you just mashing that poo into your fur? Just rubbing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have so much in common. Karola's grandfather was Hungarian as well. He loves chicken paprikash. And, uh, he sheds to shower. Now, a lot of us are ashamed, ashamed about it, but Ari Schaeffer and Karola


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari and I, we are all shit to shower people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there is a difference. I do the brown in the toilet. And like Adam said, and he brought up a really good point, is that you know what you're working with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows, he's, I'm 41 years old, I've been dumping my whole life. I know what's going on back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know what's happening. It's, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did it today. I did a shit to shower today. I try to do it every morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Uh, another interesting thing Adam said is that he does not take, he doesn't like taking long dumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's expeditious. He doesn't enjoy the moment. He doesn't shop online like I do. Like I do our grocery shopping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's right, it's paradoxical. On the one hand, F all the haters, and then he's like, all love, no hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think it comes down to him just not being very conscious of what he's saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a stream of consciousness performer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, quite a compliment. Well he is. Machines Within became a smash hit single, uh, and it's because of him, in part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we once had a nanny offer us half price reiki on our eight week old baby because our son was only eight weeks old. So normally a hundred dollars she could get it to us for 50. I'm thinking the same logic would apply with half a manicure. It makes sense. Half price. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nailed it! I know where that- I passed by, it's so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they would stretch the skin and do it flaccid. Cause how could you maintain an erection for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd imagine they like stretch the skin of the penis and then really get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because there's truth, there is this thing about women's vaginas just being smelly 24-7. It's like, it really, it shouldn't be, uh, unless something is going on, infections or such. Yeah. But yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. So you're right. That you're right, Tom. When you called that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you do that while I let the dogs, uh, in the kitchen? It's their dinner time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what his teeth look like? Thanksgiving corn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should because the last two nights I've had to poke you and then you flip over. Now, and I also think it might be time for a new mouth guard, babe, because you've been using the same one every night for how many years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like wearing your retainer, or your headgear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been slacking on the flossing. I will say that your teeth and your special look much whiter and I think people are really going to be dazzled by how thin you look and how white your teeth look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, I think people are going to be really dazzled by how great you look in this new special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The gentleman who did them said that people have to relearn how to smile when they get their teeth fixed because the muscles actually go wonky because you're covering your teeth when you smile or you don't smile at all. I have a cousin like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Could you imagine? Psychologically, it's very devastating.


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[Assistant] I don't see what's wrong with it, honestly. He's fired up. Am I, am I wrong? I know I'm wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. But can I tell you something? In order to win in life, and in order to succeed, you do kind of have to have that killer mentality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. That's inspirational. It motivates me. I feel inspired, don't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, similar, I'm gonna hit you so hard your head's gonna fall off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Threats go a long way though. Threats are good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I forgot about Skippy. Skippy all day, fuckers. Don't you show me that jiff crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skippy all motherfuckin' day. And shaky cheese all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's great. I mean the quality on it, it's like a sewn, the pattern's sewn in, it's not a bullshit thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the women practice on the egg, what do the men do? Okay, the men the first thing, they have to practicing sharpening the knife. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the whole key is very simple, you get the oil, we call it the baby oil, and you put it in, and now you put the penis to warm it, in the cold winter you warm them up, you get a hot towel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you make it warm. The what? The hands? Your hands. Make sure all the blood flow. Okay. On your penis. Okay. Now you get the penis out. Yeah. You pull the skin. A lot of people, they never circum... The foreskin. So you have the skin. So you pull the skin and you get the oil in the hand and you rub. Hand go like this, you rub, rub, rub, rub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50 times right side, 50 times left side, 50 times front, 50 times back, 50 times down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot. Okay, how often am I doing this? You have to do it every day until you can control. Every day. Time consuming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that I'm sharpening the knife. If you don't sharpen the knife, there's the number one. Number two, you have to learn how to contracting the prostacline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When man ejaculation, the pressure of the ejaculation is from the prostagang contracting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'm exercising now. You're exercising. Okay. And for people who have post-eclampsia, swollen up or problem, this one will solve the problem. And now you do it until you feel orgasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Yes. Okay. We call orgasm without ejaculation. Right. So you feel, so you see, when you do, when you get it, it's very quick. Two, three times you get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Texaco is an incredible factory producing a lot of sexual energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay pups, we've had a bit of a rest. Time now for some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is new tonight. A family has had enough. They say a woman is defecating on their sidewalk near Briar Gate and Union in Colorado Springs. The family says they've caught her in the act twice now. They begged her to stop, but now Springs police are getting involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I see this a lot on, uhm, Instagram stories and on general on the internet. A lot of girls like to talk even sexier and they like to freeze their face and only talk with their mouths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she was doing a video and her whole face was frozen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm sure there's, you know, reasons for it. Oh, there's reasons. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, but is she really winning your heart and mind or is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, just for a dental, I mean, this is not an official dental update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna, that's why I'm saying it's not official, this is off the record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. It was- well, cause that's really YOUR dental update, not mine. That's why I don't wanna-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, and I have cautioned you and I really wish you would take my word of caution that that's a lot of painful shit in one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'm serious though. That shit hoits. You're going to feel it. You're going to feel that laser whitening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I made the same exact mistake when I had my crown put on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I go, you know, I'm already there. Why not? That's why I tapped out of the whitening early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I can't help but think of our initial business proposal of cum gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And didn't we do one too, like the pump station where you could go and you could have different races and they would come and then you could choose your flavor like a latin guy's jizz or a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not called the pump station, it's called, it was like Jamba Juice, and it was like different cum smoothies, and it was different guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what are you saying that you want back payment for all the free loads? Well, I just feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we have, what have we used your product for other than making, uh, our sun? I mean, I don't really use your product for much else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking, we're talking Australia, maybe New Zealand, maybe England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so jealous of her. I am, I'm so envious. I cannot stop thinking, and we haven't been able to stop making fun of the moose soup lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it's really, someone wrote in and they're like, we, uhm, in Canada we have these types of people, they live on the river, uhm, and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They claim to be broke, but they can afford water toys a lot, which I thought was, that's like sss, it's so indicative, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that lady, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god, that's what this is. We found our Trish. You found Trish. This is totally her. That's what she's like. Oh my god, I didn't even put that together. And I looked up the recipe for moose soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm like, is this real? And yes, it is real. People put chunks of moose. And now here's the thing. It's actually very similar to Hungarian goulash lovash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goulash levesh. It's goulash soup. It's very similar except they use moose meat and there's paprika in there, onion, garlic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I just said, paprika, onion, some kind of meat in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pepper flavor? Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's just a stew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He ripped them off promptly. I took him outside and then he was like, uuuh. These suck. He's like, these are terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, I ain't no queer. So I had to take him off our boy, but you've been taking a lot of license with your, your acrobatic farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, the best one though, we were in the living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, oh, I gotta take a shit. And then you leave me there with the fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fart, and she's gonna blame it on me. And I kept planning my story. I was gonna, I was gonna tell her, like, that Tom farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of emails, can we go into some, uh, choice ones that I got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I know, I know, I know. I want to find, uh, we've been asking about, uh, blind people, uh, and if they can, hold on, let me make sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm sorry. I thought I had this, here it goes. A blind guy on the blind wipe. So we asked this question, uh, two or three weeks ago now, how do blind people know when they're done wiping?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we've had a lot of different theories. Tom's theory was that you go bare handed and you smell your fingers to see if the wipe is done, to which I replied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a blind guy and I believe I have answers to some of your questions. Great! Yeaah. First off, in response to your guesses, I can't stress this enough. You cannot smell the paper. Paper is unruly. You're more likely to give yourself a dirty Sanchez than anything else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A blind person's sense of touch, much like Burt's current weight, is off the scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had vision and then he lost it. So he's had both, uh, both sides of the fence. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So also we asked, uh, can blind people be racist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And me and my friends have made her guess the races of people in a room and she always gets it right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying she's racist, but blind people can definitely tell what race people are just by the way they speak high and tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anthony. Yeah, that makes sense though, right? And the guy's name before that was Ray. Thank you, Ray, for sending that email in about wiping. Very interesting. Very interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you that when I listen to the radio, I can often tell black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I can hear it. There's a different quality. Like I, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glass Cell Park is the city I think next to it. Okay. It's like a tiny little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very, you know, for us, we just kinda got lame. We got, we had a kid and we wanted to have more sprawl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember being in my late thirties and going to the Traders Joe there and just seeing too many guys with ironic hats and mustaches and I was like, I'm done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what we can do, now that we are armed with this knowledge. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can teach our son the right way. We can break the chain in the family knowledge tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh by the way, I'm so excited that our son has started making fart noises with his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's really started to take to the fart humor, the fart books that I've bought him. It's all coming together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stu, listen, there's so many things you did wrong, okay? Number one, you never shut down your shower drain. I feel like that's just a given, and I should have been more explicit when I talked about my methods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never ever shit in the shower. That's not the point of shit to shower. The point of shit to shower is to just clean up after you're done browning. So, what you need to do is be patient with yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With your browns. If you know you're having waves of painful sevens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give yourself some time. Why are you hurrying to the shower? You know it's gonna be a longer time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take your time with your brown. And then when you know you're absolutely finished, then you go shower. And if not,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not just wrap a towel around yourself and sit down on the toilet and then go back into the shower after that, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulling up drunk motherf- motherfucker, and then trap, mmm, in the club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, where is this accent from? Is this southern? Is this southern?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That big China, was she, was she, trap pussy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, trap music? Trap pussy music? Yeah. Mom trap pussy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny? The other day you were uhm, you were talking like an old black guy. I forget what you said to our son. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you were like, don't, don't look at the TV. Because I remember, there was, I had, no, I had a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an old boss, uhm, at least like 20 years ago, I used to work for it, Nate. And he would always be like, get all the kids over here looking at the TV all day. And I've heard that before, like older black guys, they always say, look at the TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct, as opposed to I live on. Right, right. Yeaah, that's, that's interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quit looking at the TV, get over here. I'm trying to look at the TV. Right, right, and I'm trying to look at the TV. Which actually, if you think about it. It makes sense. You are looking at the TV. Yea, it does make sense. That's, that's, I think grammatically and logical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it is both, and I think this might be the first authentic moment I've ever seen from Garth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, no, I'm saying- I just got that, it's terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it causes hysteria, I think you're right, because there's so many hyper-religious people in this country they couldn't handle. And they control them through religion. Yes. Now, uh, but here's my, my one reason that I don't buy into a lot of conspiracy theories. Have you ever done a military gig, like where they've flown you from country, like the Middle East?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jiv, uh, have you ever been on the flights where they schedule you? Like, you're gonna go from Kyrgyzstan to Kandahar. Have you ever been on those military schedules? Yes, yes, yes. Are they ever a-organized?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying that the military is so fucking disorganized and you're considered a VIP when you do those. I just don't think that the government has that much structure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be able to pull off these things. Just not that organized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a great Facebook feed. And I was at you who posted the other day that the elite, powerful men of the world are all pedophiles. Oh yea. No, it's true. And here's the thing. Pizza gate too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it all exists cause there's so many whack jobs. I do feel like the older I get, you know what I'm saying, uh, you realize just how crazy everyone is and especially with the internet, you can see how crazy people are all the time. Wait, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever had someone compliment you after a show and then you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was good. Immediately. Like you were one of those assholes. Oh, I hate, it was like, are you kidding me? He started and he was better than all of us. And I was like, you gotta be shitting me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's so inappropriate, Tom and I were sitting around talking about our favorite comics, and I was like, my favorite comics are 50 year old white guys. Like, I just fucking love the Shimmels, the Louis C.K.,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pick a pronoun. You can be a zim, zir, zay. You can be a man, a woman, a man. What's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or they. I prefer they. You're they? Yeah. What's your pronoun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, I mean they're like the most famous people ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Ask about the shits. That's really what I would ask them too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where does that exist? In the Mormon, like, you know, ultra-religious. That's the thing is the fear is that somebody won't buy a ticket to your dumb show or some sponsor's gonna pull out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Tommy. Okay, would you rather have sex with a moose soup lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing is, with NASA lady, is that she is asexual. I mean, there is not a hormone, there's not an estrogen left, if she likes guys to begin with. She was very indifferent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then there are songs that are real that I can't believe are real. Like the other day, we were in the kitchen going, in a Shirley stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I, all the time. I wish I were normal inside and I could, and then I could just watch Friends marathons and think they're fantastic. I wanna love Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was gonna say, the one show that I don't understand why anybody can watch are those like, the Kelly and Regis in the morning, like that, that Kelly rip on whoever. Now it's Ryan Seacrest, where they talk about nothing for an hour, like who's, who's tuning in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The attrition rate is so crazy for comedy, like when you, we all started around the same time when you think about who we started with, it's crazy, it's harder than Harvard Law. Like, it's so hard. There's nobody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we do this thing about marrying your mom and stuff, like it's a very common theme.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kathy says if that was it, there wouldn't be a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kathy says the runner knows what she's doing and comes with napkins in her pockets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard man, it really tests it. They're a perennial dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the other earlier games separated reality and virtuality. But when you play Love Plus, real life and the game meld with one another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is me and my girlfriend Summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so gross. He's the worst. He is not the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, we actually had some people like, I'm non-binary, I'd love to talk about it. But I'm saying usually we offend some portion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see. We'll investigate. I'll have him on that steep roll and we'll see if it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well if we brought them on your mom's house, that is how we would be a little, we'd shit on them a little. I don't wanna do that. I'm not hurtful like you, I don't have hate in my heart like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is that the bet was for you guys to become declared just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not. They come out of your vagina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm thinking about, if I had to marry my mom or my dad, definitely my dad. My mom was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's funny, cause we were talking about uhm, if I would ever date your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were laying in bed and were like, uh, would you ever date my dad? Like if I die. And I was like, you know what? Kind of, because.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Top dog is you in the future. Yeah, it's not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but the only caveat is that I don't want to touch his peener and I don't want to kiss his mouth. Because the mouth is bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an old guy though. Do we have to factor in the age? Is he able to get hard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was laying in his boxers and he likes to wear them paper thin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I'm not throwing stones because those are probably the most comfortable boxers any human could ever wear. And he was laying on his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Akimbo and his nuts just poop pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel like that's such a dad thing, because my dad too, I remember in the 80s, would wear those short shorts, like the kind, the magical Johnson would wear, or those basketball shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and then your dad jizzed in your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were not, you were s- you just loved me. What? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tendrils, and so you had to pretend like you... Isn't that funny when you're dating somebody? You just, you have to let some of the small...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he got a tattoo of the band Rocket from the Crypt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a Rocket from the Crypt tattoo so that he could get into all their shows for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like when I was on Road Rules and we all got tattoos and then one guy- Shut up. I have a- I have a tramp stamp. It's so embarrassing. It's terrible. It's fucking dog shit. But one of the guys, one of the guys on my show got a tattoo of the Road Rules symbol. On his ankle. I know, he regrets it now. He's got like a family and kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that one. Juice. Why is he saying juice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we were talking about, I'm sorry, I wanted to bring this up because my friend came over last night and he's single and he's on Tinder, which is not just a fuck site anymore apparently, it's not just for fuck boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that when Tom and I started seeing each other, there was Friendster and MySpace?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was precursor to Myspace and it was even, it was lamer though. You could only put like pictures of yourself. There was nothing shiny or razzle dazzle. It was just like, here's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is not helpful! Yeah, thumbs down. I get offers, I decline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was thinking how great it would be if you were on Tinder and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What your profile would be, cause I know if you were single you'd be so fucking lost in this digital wasteland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were so excited though. It was fun. It was like this whole world of hooking up. So anyway, okay, so I was like, I wonder what Tom's would be. Here's your lead photo. I know it. Dick and balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what women, cause women always say, I like a guy with a sense of humor, but not really, cause you're the guy with a sense of humor, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just saying, a lot of women can't handle, what is, I love him, you know that, he's my heart, I would lay down my life for this motherfucker, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're finished banging, and then he literally does roll over and go, Get out!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as not to get it in the bed, which I do appreciate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be very honest and direct. I'd be like, I don't have any fucking hobbies because I work and I have a kid and I like to watch a lot of TV. Uh, do you like to sleep a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know dude, but here's the thing, when I was single, when you and I started dating, I kept it 100 like that because you called me the first time to ask for a date and you were like, hey, do you want to go hiking? And I was like, fuck no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't, I didn't put it together that you were asking me out on a date until I hung up, and then I felt really bad. I was like, oh my god, I think Tom Segura just tried to ask me on a date, and I fucked it all up, dude. So then like, I forget how, I think I told my friend to tell you I liked you or something stupid, and then we ended up going to a bar. Yea, it was like fucking sixth grade, it was just exactly what happened. That's how I wrote it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you're either cleaning up the cum on the crippled guy. Yeah. That's your job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta fuck the lady's fake head. And that's your only sexual outlet. And every time you go out on a first date with a girl, you have to be like, my name's Tom, and he's Susan, and you gotta


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna do, wait, nah. Anyway, do this one. One new yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother and I are both huge fans of the show and we're talking a while ago about our yellowing habits and thought you guys could weigh in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Button and belt still fastened to yellow. However, my brother and I have corroborated that we both unzip the fly and undo belt, button, et cetera, then take our wiener out above the waistband of our me undies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thus maximizing the distance from our dicks to zipper teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After speaking for a little bit longer, we thought it was a generational thing. Both me and my brother are polybi millennials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And most of the men we each work with are cisgender dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean it is a matter of preference, like your dad is a full bush guy, cause he's from the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamina is right. Stamina is right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we were at Island's, uh, dining on their fine burgers today at the mall. We both got diarrhea and on our way out, well, to be fair, I started the day with diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck. Anyway, on the way out of islands, one of the waiters goes, uh, thanks, James. That's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It flows us into each other's worlds, or I guess in my case, hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to Inside Studio G, where music is first here, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I said some shit. What? Man, fuck you and your bone spurs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. Okay, I know what I want. Proud of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, can I have a venti chai please with uh, two splendas and a double pipe classic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For those who don't know, the word lingam is relating to genitals, the male genital area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, another way of putting it within this video would be how to activate your cock power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so this is very different than masturbation. It's very different than wanting to go for ejaculation, watching porn and all that stuff. We're talking about giving your cock, giving your lingam some love. Some real love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the way it works is very simple. Just take some massage oil, some coconut oil, and start pouring it on your lingam, and spend, you know, five, ten minutes, half an hour, just nurturing this area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're both consenting adults, if, if, uh, it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays, they're, they're, you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's been the key to, uh, this role?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First thing I would look at would be, I guess, uh, stretch. Is it, uh, is it real denim? Uhm, is it just stretchy cotton?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea is the more, the better. So this one doesn't have any, this has one, that one has two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, it means that I don't really identify as a man or a woman. It's somewhere in the middle, but where in the middle depends on the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's kind of finding a way to exist outside the binary and really have fun with the performative aspects of gender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met people who use they, them pronouns, something collective, and I was like, wait, me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bye mommy! Get those slap wagons under control. Those are mushy purples. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, this is Dr. McCollin. I want to tell you about our new product, Fermented Broccoli Sprouts, and the story of sulfurophane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked him. I asked him, will you ever date your mom? Who wants to know why he calls me mom? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ULTRA SEXUAL. Yeah. And, they don't have to, it's not in the lyrics, like he just listens to it. Yeah. Cause the lady's coming as she sings it out. Yeah, it's like, uh, uh, it's heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me two more thrusts is what she's saying in French.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donnie T just texted me. Well, he's a pretty active one. They said he, uh, he gives out his direct cell phone number to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] National security people are like, you can't do, like you can't. You're the president now. Dummy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really interesting. Part of me really hopes he doesn't, even though it's easy to critique him for it. It's kind of fun that the president is like watching SNL and being like SNL sucks because they make fun of him. It kind of makes me laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's part of, see, that's how, he's a salesman and a showman, and what he did was he built the Trump brand off of, you know, basically off of personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what he's doing is, that's an extension of it, so like all these, uh, I think it's something like 50 house dams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50 House Dems are not attending the inauguration, right? So they ask him about it and he goes, I hope we get their tickets. So many people want tickets. So many people want tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just, I hope we get the tickets. So it's just the positive spin thing on a bad...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I hope it goes well. I'm not kidding. So do I. I do hope that these next four years are good, and uh, you know, I don't know, there's not much more to say than that, but uhm, but it is funny when he's like, everybody just wants tickets. He's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, real quick before I- Mommy. Mommy? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick before I forget, I was just picking up, I have a tour shirt that I picked up. It's gonna be on tour with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Limited amounts obviously, but it is online on our store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you go to TomSagura.com and you click on the store, it takes you to our merchandise page. We have a bunch of stuff there. Uh, this one was designed by a really, really great artist, Dave Glock. If you ever did Meltdown, every week a unique poster was created for the Meltdown show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like specific for that week. It's a lot of work. And Dave Glock designed each and every one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, I'll have a limited amount with me, but they will also be for sale on the store. That being that, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sure, I mean, we'll, we'll, I mean, whatever. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 7pm is sold out, we added the 9, and we invited Yoshi to join us on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super mommy dynamics. Uhm, what did I want to tell you? I'm still recovering from 24 hours with burnt


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did. Joe Rogan, uh, offered and, uh, came through with, um, you know, I saw an opportunity, uh, looking for something fun to do and, you know, too often I think you go, well, do something in like nine months. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, that really, really definitely pops someone's ears out, just so you know. Uhm, I think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I tried to look for something that was coming up quick. Anyways, I see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cavs are playing the Warriors. It's a rematch of the NBA Finals last year. So definitely the two biggest, you know, flagship names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he goes, he goes, you coming tomorrow? I gotta tell him that, it's gonna be a real thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, he's on there, Kyrie Irving's a cab, big deal, Steph Curry, Kevin Durant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's on the team, uh, beautiful, beautiful girl. Beautiful girl, pretty girl, great girl, great. Drain, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green. Anyways, a bunch of stars, great atmosphere, and like I said, a rematch of the NBA finals last year. So we go up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first we should start that burnt came over here and his driver hit our fence. Um, so it's like, wait, who's drinking? Then, uh, burnt comes in the house with like a 38 ounce styrofoam cup. And I'm like, Oh, I thought he had coffee in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 8 o'clock. 8.40 actually. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all do lots and lots of flying. We all have our own rituals. We all have our own way of doing it. So I'm getting a peek inside how the party machine flies weekly. Because it's every single week, way there, way back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the house, he's drinking, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a concierge key. Concierge key. It's invitation only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, this week you're flying to Rome, uh, come back next week, Fiji, back, and because it was a television deal, it was always first, so you're spending so much money on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they just saw like, so much money being spent on your account, so this guy's for sure. Baller. He has his own entrance. That's crazy, wait!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you pull up the Terminal 4, you'll see American. At the end you'll see American Priority, which is like supposed to be- Like Delta Priority, I got it. Yeah, so it is for the elite flyers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] American has it, United has United Global Services, which is invitation only. Delta right now has, I mean they have obviously their diamond status. They also have Delta One, which is if you're flying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] LAX to JFK or LAX to London Direct or maybe one other place, that has its own entrance, which is its own thing. So it has its own lounge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I do, but I think part of, like, as far as air travel, I talked about this with Burnt, is that, is that part of it is that we fly so much that anything that makes you feel special and cuts down on the shitty part of travel is the, it's not so much that like, oh, get out of my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very, well first you walk in, uhm, so there's a counter there, and they just check you in, right, you know, even though you can be, we were pre-checked in, they check you in and print out a ticket, give you the ID, but they give it to the guy, and then the guy, the gray coat guy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's from that specific terminal to wait, here's the best part, to the security level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First thing we do is we go to the American clubroom, right? The, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We walk in, as we enter the bar area, they go, BIRRT! Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever he had before, which I would say is two, before he got, because that thing is enormous. That roadie, yeaah. Uh, then he has two at that bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so it sounds like we're flying for San Francisco. We're flying out of the remote terminal. What? So you have to get on the shuttle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So Bart tells the, uh, lady, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, okay. And the lady comes over when we're at the bar and she's like, I'm sorry, this, this and that, but we, you know, I'm sorry. And he goes, no problem. But as we're leaving, another lady goes, Mr. Kreischer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were able to accommodate so-and-so's waiting. So as we're leaving the lounge, another lady goes, uh, oh, um, you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Mr. Chrysler can I, can you follow me? Then she opens the door and we walk down the tarmac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we go into a Cadillac and they drive us to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we, oh wait, another couple drinks at that bar, cause there's a separate bar there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a separate, uh, terminal. So like, we were at Terminal 4, but we're flying out of Terminal 6. So it's a separate one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the first one is like, it's like, it just feels like this isn't good, but, you know, I was also, I also approached it with like, today's a fun day, I'm gonna do whatever. I'm with Burt, I'm just gonna do whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, are you fucking nursing that thing? Like, he's like a college kid, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As we're leaving that, I tip the guy, I tip the guy, and uh, I think most people don't tip or something, he was like, thanks man. He goes, hey, do you want a couple to go? As I'm saying like, I'm good, Bert's like, that would be fucking great. So the guy makes us two to go in a coffee cup, hands it to us, and Bert's like, this is fucking perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Birds in heaven. Yeah, we bored with our coffee cups with vodka sodas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I fucking nursed that one. I think for the whole flight, he finishes it, has a couple more. So now he's up to like six or something? Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go to the hotel, we have lunch. Vodka sodas for lunch. With food, obviously, this time. And then I go like, I need to, like, let's just take a chill pill till it's time to leave for the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do that, we go to the game, the game ends up being a complete fucking blowout, like- What did that mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like I wanted to see a really competitive game because of two great teams, but Golden State, Oakland basically destroyed Cleveland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh my god, it was a total blow, but it was still really fun. We had amazing seats that Rogan hooked up. That's so nice. Fourth row, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, you know, we got to see like these legendary players in, like, fucking right there playing. Uh, we had a lot of fun, had a lot of laughs, and then from there we went, oh, we go back to the hotel. As we're getting back in the car, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just hit my second wind. And I go, my wind is dead. I need to lay down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause even at the game, I don't, I didn't drink anything at the game. Neither did he actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, but he's like, I just hit my second win. I don't even know how that's possible, but so he goes to the bar and I go to the room and I lay in the room with the lights off for like an hour, maybe an hour and a half. I go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we go to dinner, we go to the house of prime rib, a friend of his set it up, a chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fun. Uhm, we have this great meal. We eat, we go off the rails, you know, we're off the diets and everything. And I honestly, it didn't feel as good as I thought it was gonna feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it was too much food. Yea. Like it was just, you know, enormous portions. Yea. Uh, I mean, shit tasted good, don't get me wrong, but afterwards you're like, oh my god. Yea, cause when you're used to it. That stuffed feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get me wrong, it was a familiar feeling. I've done it many times. But we were just completely stuffed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we go back, he raids his minibar, uhm, we smoke cigars out on the balcony. And then, this is the best part. So, the next morning we get, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get picked up, we go to the airport, immediately we go to the lounge and he's like, uh, Vodka soda. So the guy, he's like, Tom, I go, I'm having coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm already like, I need, I can tell I need a full day to get over his craziness and like his normal way of traveling. Dude, it's right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not even partying, just like, let's get on a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, by the time we land in LA, right before noon, he's eight deep. Wow. And totally normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 72 hours later, I still don't feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't wanna, he plays, he always plays, uh, what's it called? He always plays music in his videos that he posts. So I can't really, but like just, this is us going on a trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll put her in the... in the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, oh, I go, oh my god, this is the best. So we're in, we're in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the morning, on the way back, I go, I gotta go to the dentist today. He goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, are you fucking serious? And I go, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, holy hands. Guess who's those belong to. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go, why do you not know me? He's like, we're traveling today. I would never go to the, I would never do anything like that. I would never go to a doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I travel, I don't do anything. And then like 30 seconds later, he's like, we'll go to Tom Papa's podcast today. And then later on these other guys are coming over to podcast. We'll go. So you are doing things today. Yeah, but not a doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So then he goes, when was the last time you went to the dentist? He goes, it's actually pretty bad. It's probably like, it's over a year for sure. He's like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, what? Guess. I don't know, three years? At least ten years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you brought it up without letting me fucking prep that song, you know? You do it all the time. You know how this works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm honestly blown away at what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we correctly logged ourselves because we kept reading them and we've been talking about a lot how we haven't been in a while. We really haven't. Over a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, we went again and we took charge, we went back to back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have to go, and I gotta tell you, I'm jumping ahead but there's nothing like that post-cleaning feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta do it. I mean, dude, my, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds made up. I think people listening are like, well, that sounds like a made up story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would I make that up? Hey, you have an A. Also, you need a lot of work done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot, like, first he does the drill where they just clean in between and then the second part is the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well anyways, my teeth were like, a little sensitive, and I was like, ooh. That's filth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afterwards I go, I feel like my teeth were more sensitive. He goes, I really cranked it up for you. And I go, okay. And I said, uhm, if you had to marry your mom. Now I said, what would, uh, what would you grade mine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said in all my time, I've never seen a better set of teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This reminds me of not having, uh, an outlet for it to plug into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It just shows you how our brains work. It's like it's an auto thing. This is my drink, this is what I order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I've done that with a lot of things, like, I don't like the way that tastes, and then order it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to a family dinner in Florida, which we were visiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. Well I ordered a soup, which I don't normally do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I took a bite, and I'm not, I'm not exaggerating when I say this. It tasted like vomit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you taste vomit on the way up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what I did? I had a second bite. Yeah. It's like I didn't trust my own reaction to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tasted and smelled like vomit. And it was served to us in a restaurant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Nothing, I'll never forget that fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was in the same clip. So let me get to this mommy lady today. You wanna see this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So apparently what's happening here is that the lady recording is in a parking lot, uhm, and she, she is, has a child in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess the other lady who you see, who you heard in the opening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calls her and is like, you know, calling her attention. Yeah. And then accuses her of abusing the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I mean, everything leads you to believe that the lady tweezing her eyebrows is not doing anything wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's like, she just pulls it out of nowhere. Yeaah, it's out of her fucking mind. You know what I always think about when I see something like, like for instance this clip? That that lady can drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very made up, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geez. So she's like totally gaslighting her too, you know. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy that somebody would say that about, you realize that anybody says that too, everybody else starts off believing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. Jesus. It's like if you make a rape accusation, people don't, you know, the immediate thought is like, oh, that person's a rapist, you know, not like really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's really a totally lunatic person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's like someone who's delusional?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, so maybe she saw her plucking an eyebrow and was like, she's hitting at children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Closely related to London rap grime culture. Keep it glassy, Ben.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, much more here, uh, you recall a few weeks ago, we had, remember the, the guy who taught you how to do a threesome? The charlatan?