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[Assistant] Joe like says something else and it distracts them. So they go back to the conversation. Then we start like.


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[Assistant] I go, the owner drove it for like three weeks, so I got like forty grand off. I only paid like three hundred thousand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go, I mean, I go, I thought that was a good deal. It's a good deal. Yeah. And I'm just like totally like not, you know, giving in. I'm like, yeah, it's awesome. And you should see how this works. So I start like, I'm going to turn it on and turn the car on. And Bert's like, I just fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I could see, you know, I could see Burt's still, like, we would have a moment like that, like for a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people kind of, you know, you start to regroup like, oh, and he would just look over, I see him being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the whole fun was the idea of him spiraling to the point of buying something. Like, the dream would be that he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I texted him. Last night I texted him. I go, oh my gosh, this is so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I texted him last night, I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, Hey, it's me. I'm from your local Lamborghini dealership. Make sure everything's working all right. And I go, Oh yeah, I'm real happy with it, man. And you know, then he kind of dropped character. He goes, so wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a Lamborghini? And I go, yeah. And he's like, yeah, Christina said she wasn't too thrilled about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious. Uhm, so it was, so then, anyways, then I had made this video when I was, uhm, when I dropped it off, and then I posted it a few hours ago, just after I had talked to Burt this morning. I had talked to Burt this morning, and we had a conversation that went, you know, left and right, it wasn't like about it, and at the end I was like, yea I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we're back. Uh, that was a quick break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think the best, my favorite part of this whole thing, first of all, that was some of the best money I ever spent was renting that car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would say, again, for car enthusiasts, it is really fun to rent a car that you're not committing to buying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know, I talked to Bert after this and he was like, he was, I knew it. I just knew that you weren't that stupid. I knew you wouldn't do that. But that Ari was like, he's definitely dumb enough to do that. Yeah, right. Ari was like, Ari called me bite trash and that I was from Florida and that Florida people are stupid and that we would definitely buy that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100% worth it. So fun to see Burt's face. So fun to get him to spiral. He was searching for motorcycles last night online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty good, right? It's really good. By the way, uhm, I think I already said this but I don't know if I said it only to you off camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not on the show. But the other really crazy thing that surprised me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going back to the Lambo thing, was how many people were, like, the internet always kicks you in the balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got like hundreds and hundreds of people being like so happy for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the majority of people were like, so happy for you man. Congratulations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, Nate from Indie. Incredible. So many, uh, I mean, I feel like, I'm serious, there's so many incredibly musically inclined people listen to this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a retarded song, but you can only get so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what do you think of this email? Oh, that's interesting, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do Siamese twins, conjoined twins, if they get a job, do they get one salary or two? Damn it. Machines within F the haters. Nathan, that is an excellent question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope your touring starts to really pick up now and you hear as many times as I did this year, walking to the stage as you get on stage and as the applause dies, you know, and they settle in for you to talk and you're like, hello. And then they go, Hey Hitler, like that. And you're like, Oh, for fuck's sake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dropped, uh, my joke book at, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, hot dump question. Hey mommies, you know how they say if you drink milk with spicy foods, it takes away some of the spicy? I'm wondering if you were to pour milk on how you say asshole, would it ease the pain of hot dumps? What do you think? Love ya, Gabe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, good question. I'm really interested if there's any employers who have hired or been around a conjoined twin to see if they get two salaries. Because they have separate rights. They have their own individual rights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have different minds. So how could you be like, well, we're just going to pay you this one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. How do you wipe if you have no arms? That came in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have helpers. They have like a prosthetic and they, you know, if they don't, they still can, you can walk around and do what you need to do without an arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They still don't be like, I don't have arms, I need a full-time caregiver. It's not how that works. They would still, they make do without their arms. What's interesting is how they do it. It's not a helper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're black and you want to rent a free lifestyle, fuck me. Come over here and fuck me right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I could see NBC, ABC, Fox, CBS. Where else are you going to take this thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For us, we have more than one video of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the Benadryl guy is scarier actually. I think there's a lot below the surface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a cabin with a, that only he has the key to is this is the end of your life for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other guy is direct in that he wants basically to be submissive. He wants you to be very dominant and aggressive. This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's interesting. I mean, I would either bring along Burt or, um, Sickle Cell or Ahri, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you would, you would piss on and beat the other guy? Sure. And put a strap on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he wants, he wants to be nailed. Sure. So you would do the strap on. Yea. No problem. Like a big powerful strap on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they tell you it's really stupid to do longer than like 36 months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 36 months, they're loaning you $350,000, so your monthly payments are only $10,178 a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, cause I was telling him, I was like, it's so crazy to get into this business you have of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] uh... blue on one of these lambos it was a forty five thousand dollars


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he told me how, like, the business does well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know where it's more obvious if you want to pay attention to how it's going? If you see a Lamborghini or a Ferrari on a residential street, that's probably owned. When you see them parked or up and down Rodeo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came to LA, I'm going to drive up Rich People Boulevard, and I'm going to get this crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well this is uhm, this is super exciting. We've been working on this for a minute and it's finally here. Uhm, we've talked about it for a while. We have a holiday collection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, products coming out. They're out now. A couple of them are on sale, a couple are pre-sale. So this first one was the big one. This is our first ever Christmas sweater and it is amazing. It is one of the best things I have ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a Christmas, a legit Christmas sweater, and it says Santa Claus wears jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it has Santa and he's wearing his jeans. And here's what's really cool about this.


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[Assistant] Uhm, 100% of the profit that comes from the Santa Claus Wears Jeans Christmas Sweater will go to the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. We're going to donate to their toy program. Wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That are in the hospital, and we'll document it, so it's not just like, yep, just believe it, we're gonna, uh, uh, you know, make a video of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shopping and, and dropping off, uh, some of the toys and gift cards and stuff. Awesome. There's no better cause. No better cause. Uhm, so please check it out. Go to TomSagura.com and click on my store or go to MerchMethod.com slash TomSagura. We also have, uhm, a couple other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the little ball on top, uh, with snowflakes and it says Santa Claus wears jeans. Of course. That's uhm, very fun. And then this is something that like I've held onto. I wanted to do this for years and I finally did it. We're doing Christmas sweatshirts as well in different colors. White, green and red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who are you to tell me what Santa Claus looks like is my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now we have Santa Claus is black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hashtag YMH, right? You don't know my pronoun. Yup, don't assume it. Uhm, we have, Santa Claus is Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we also have, for mis hermanos, we have Santa Claus as Latino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so, uh, like I said, some of these are pre-sale, uhm, they'll ship in like, uh, about three and a half weeks. Some of these are on sale, meaning they'll ship in less time, maybe two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get your Christmas stuff now. Uhm, it's great, uh, you know, uh, Christmas present if your significant other is a podcast fan or you just want to have like a more unique holiday sweater or sweatshirt. Uh, the hat is awesome. I have the hat. They sh- they shipped it to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Santa Claus wears jeans, the uh, the sweater's incredible, all going to uh, children's charity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now to one of the more exciting things that we have come across in some time here on this show, uhm, very happy to bring to your attention. Nope. That did not go as planned, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bleeps were unavoidable. I hate playing censored stuff on this podcast, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is all related to a story that broke, you know, it's like everyone's being taken down right now for sexual harassment and you know, all these things. So there's a story that came that a woman who auditioned


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had the wherewithal to bring the casting director with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then when she left, she got the call that like, oh, Stephen thought you did great. He needs you to come back to do a private rehearsal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this story came out a couple weeks ago and this stuff is in relation to those stories. Like this is him telling somebody else about that, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But keep the, the uhm, the gun range yellow sunglasses though, right?


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[Assistant] Those are good look. Much better. And the, the hair piece is darker and more full than it was. I like that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's him. That's him in his heyday. Are you sure?


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[Assistant] Well yea, he's a fuckin' superstar, man. Yeah. Ah, he looks terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that one interview he did, uh, he had those crazy, crazy glasses on. Here it is. This one is right here.


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[Assistant] Because you love me. Yes. That's right. Thank you, Jean. Hayler!


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[Assistant] I have an in-law question that came in. I have an in-law that is quite heavy handed with the, you know what I mean? Am I supposed to answer? Yes. I know what you mean. Every time I'm asked to follow along with the dumb story. At what point am I supposed to stop applying? What's the etiquette for taking this kind of blast?


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[Assistant] I feel like, I feel like you gotta...


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[Assistant] No, I think what would be funny is what he's proposing.


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[Assistant] Sweet old lady is being told that she's going to have to shit in a bucket if she goes on this trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you George H.W. Bush does too. The former president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady said, uh, she saw the presidents getting together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she got a chance to meet him four years ago. Okay, he's 93, so he was 89.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he sexually assaulted me. He didn't shake me. He touched me from behind. From his wheelchair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With his wife Barbara by his side, he told me a dirty joke.


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[Assistant] Would I? I wouldn't mind. I really wouldn't mind. And I wouldn't mind if an 89 year old woman


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[Assistant] No, I get that. That's the uncomfortable feeling of being around the old, but I'm saying for somebody doing something like, let's say, let's say, let's just say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This scenario can happen to you. A guy can go like, hey, uh, I see you brought the whole, brought the milk machine with you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I brought my coffee, I see you brought the milk. And then he puts his cup in front of your tits, and he's like, can I get half and half from this one and skim from that one? And he's like, hahaha. Like that. So, is it worse that a 40 year old man does that? 60 year old man? Or a 90 year old man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, the, the 40 or 50 or 60 year old guy can actually, like, do something. In other words, like, this guy's in a wheelchair, he's like, I remember when I saw tits like that, and he, you know, he can barely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you would feel worse about that? Really? About the old guy? No, it's interesting, I'm asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To try to put people at ease, the president routinely tells the same joke, and on occasion, he has padded women's rears in what he intended to be a good-natured manner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some have seen it as innocent. Others clearly view it as inappropriate. To anyone he has offended, the President sincerely apologizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think this might even be the picture. Hilarious. So like his left arm is probably like around her ass right now or near it. You know what I mean? Right. And he's like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna fuck you, or I don't know what he's saying, but he's probably like, just wipe all the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and everything, everything's hanging. Don't forget, like, everything. Every bit of skin, organs, everything. See how his face is drooping? Yeah. I mean, look at her shoulders, her tits are flat now. Decay, yeah. Yeah, your body's decaying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone like him is in there. Yea, slices a girl's tits off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, of course. Of course, you can get it, you can get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get a boyfriend, there's no closing song in my closing song file.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda like it. Machines with it. Machines with it. He hears it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Texas has really been on my mind a lot lately and I wanted to honor the state in my own way with a countdown. I respectfully dedicate this list to everyone who has been affected by Hurricane Harvey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the face reveal, I wanted to talk to you about the new channel I'm launching called Game. I'll only be posting photos of myself through my personal account on Instagram. Please add me on both platforms if you want to stay connected. My DMs are open if you have any questions or suggestions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, how's you folks doing? Oh, look at Cheena. He goes like this, Cheena! And then he goes, look at you two, you're hot. You make me want to go home and play karate kid with myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life, then you have access to marijuana too. Good weed. Listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True weed alone can get you really hornier than normal, but Benadryl, take about 10, 12 Benadryl before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate. Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Millions and times more horny. You'll be so blissfully horny that you will not want to come. Trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been up for like 48 hours straight before I've been on a drilling weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True weed alone can get you really hornier than normal, but Benadryl, take about ten, twelve Benadryl before you want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate. Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wha- I have never in my life wanted to stick my dick inside of a woman and cum. That is the stupidest, nastiest, dumbass thing I've ever-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck, I would never, some of my, my family's tried to get me to watch regular porn. My family?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you and your porn and your, the way you make out and your stupid, boring fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, all of you are owned by your woman, you're all a bunch of fucking pieces of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Richmond Funny Bone, one night only. July 11th, there's two shows. First show is sold out. A few tickets left for the second show. That's in short pump. That's right. Good memory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a few tickets left at the Cone Denim Entertainment Center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's July 13th. Asheville is sold out. North Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then Charles has come South Carolina at the Charleston Gallard Center, July 15th.


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[Assistant] I don't know, that's the only, that's my only like tour date that I'm like, woah. But, that's how it goes. That's how it goes, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, uh, Montreal after that, Hampton Beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a, he's a super fun guy. And then I have an entire fall schedule. It's all at TomSagura.com. Please go check it out. I'm hitting a bunch of cities. Many of the ones I've been hit up about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Denver, Toronto, uhm, you know, I'm going back to Michigan. I'm going to be in Ohio. All those places are on sale. Please go to TomSegura.com. Check on, uh, check those dates and that's it. That's all you gotta, that's all you gotta do. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your majesty's great. What's your pronoun? Rop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, it is. What is your pronoun? What is your, what's your, I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I remember I couldn't find that they weren't there anymore last time. Seriously. When I went in 2011, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn the air on because it's hot in here. We have one, two, three, four heat generating lights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have problems. You have body problems. I'm serious. I'm not kidding. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the room? 72? That's freezing. No it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well. Misery. If you haven't yet figured it out, we've, we have found the, uh, the male equivalent to, uh, to Danny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please tweet at Ryan Sickler. Did Hillary Clinton really eat your asshole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? Yeah. It's not really in focus though, it might be a little grayer than we think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give her a minute, I mean, she's still getting over this election, you know? She's still figuring it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I, I hope I can testify to the same thing one day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy is telling it to his YouTube channel, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roadbeave, that's the name of my new book I'm pitching right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No, I didn't. I didn't get road beef. I've never gotten road beef either. The closest I came to road beef, I guess it's technically road beef, was before we were together. Road beef. I did a spot in, uh, Orange County. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a bar show, so this wasn't even a club show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And some girl at the show, I was like, I don't know, I, it's not how I normally come on. I did a fake confidence thing. I was like, come in here and watch this, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then she got a hotel room and here's the thing. I was like, Oh, like I'm going to, you know, I'm going to shove it in. And then she was like, Oh, no, my friend's coming now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then her friend showed up and her friend was like, looking at me like, what is going on? Like it was the nerd friend. It was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Samantha, who is this guy? Cause he's a comedian. It was so funny the way she said it too. Like she said it like, he's a fireman that's just, you know, was saving me. That's why I said he's a comedian. She was like, uh huh, nice to meet you. I was like, well, nothing happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Strangers? No, it depends on like, the envir- in other words, I guess if they're like, come over to my house, yeaah, I'd be nervous. If they're, if they're, if you're staying at a hotel and there's people around, it's like, oh yeaah, the hot tub, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we may have a chance tonight. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have a lot of the same t-shirts over and over. That's what I like though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't want to get overwhelmed, because I'm always trying to get rid of stuff anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Making plans with them. And the last time we made plans with them, I cancelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like two hours before, when I had that stomach thing going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's because I was taking, I was sick, I was taking an antibiotic that gave me diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my parents were in town. It was terrible. So now it's like, it's the end of a cold. The boy is much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm feeling better now. I was a little shitty, but I knew I was on the way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, I could call him and give him a warning, but I know how cautious he is. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the warning he would take too seriously. So I was like, I just won't give him a warning. And then maybe when he gets here he'll be like, oh, I get nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that'd be funny, yeaah. To watch them sweat a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like this, it's like this kind of thing. Do you think this is horrible or hilarious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like over a small, like a dirt hill. I guess it was probably a, maybe an 8 foot, 10 foot hill. And then their cart flipped them off of the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you watch those shows, they're mind-numbing. You can tell which jokes were written by the producers and which jokes were written by the comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because the producer jokes were like, oh man. Yeah. They would feed us, try to feed us jokes on uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other true TV show. How to be a grown up. How to be a grown up and we'd be like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna say that. You wanna say that? Can you say a version of that? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you say it without cursing? And I'd be like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. So weird. Doesn't play, doesn't play. No. So weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a single frame. Uninspiring. Of the, before the flare out. So you see like, you just see like five dots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, in a moment this was a big thing. Here's the moment before that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's terrible. I hate when it's, uhm, big crowds. I don't like big crowds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, where can I sit? Yeah, and then, you know, the thing is like on a day like that, you find a place to pee, and then it's a, it's a beverage consumption day. Yeah. So right away, you go back to where your group is, you're drinking again, you're like, shit, I gotta go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being at places like that. Just because I want a comfortable place to pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even a sporting event, you know, you go, it's like drinking beers. I got to pee. Where is it? Well, you got to walk up these six flights of stairs and then you're, oh, you're on, okay. So on terminal one, you go left down and go to LL and it's only women. Sorry. So you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the K gate and there's a restaurant there and you're like, Jesus Christ. You do all that, you get your other beverage and you're like, I gotta pee again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charo, would you rather be retarded or you have to drive on the freeway?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. The fact that any, I think if they, they gave this scenario to everyone on earth, there'd be one retarded guy walking around. It'd be my dad. And everybody else would be like, this food's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's dressed down. That's why that's dressed down, because for him it technically is dressed down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Suit looks great on most guys. Yeah. If you look like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it really cleans up your whole act. And the one thing, we talk about it a lot, he and I do, uhm. Okay. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wear a suit, one thing that's fun is to watch how people treat you differently, because they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they treat you way differently. Guaranteed. They just make assumptions about you, in a good way usually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they assume that you, that you have your shit together more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have basically walked me out of dealerships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've walked in and they're like, are you like taking pictures of cars? I was gonna shopping for one and they're like, uh huh. Uhm, yeah. And then they'll be like, this is, you know, this is not a free car. This is not a contest. I'm like, I know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they like just keep looking at you and they're like, are you sure you don't want to see the other one? Like they'll talk to me like, do you want to see the cheaper one? I'm like, what is going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel like I have to be like, no, I, I really, I'm here to actually buy a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says, uhm, I'm gonna steal something, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High vegetable content. And a high seafood content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, I don't think it's the worst of all, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's an ingredient. I don't know if you're going to buy cuisine. See the thing is, I went to a sushi place last week that was amazing, but it was really authentic. I mean, the guy is, you know, fresh off the boat. There's no rolls. He was like ordering us not to use soy sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had no digestive issues whatsoever. Really? Freshest fish, the best stuff I've ever had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you go to like a more, you know, neighborhoody joint and you're getting rolls and all that stuff and I blow it out my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you have a few places that do bad things to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gina, we got an email that said, hi, Jean, we all know Burt is fat. Yeah. Right. That's something that we all know. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that Bernd Chrysler Sr. is on Team Tommy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About Bart's partying Stanema, I came across this amaze blurb. Burt's father hated Burt's goatee. He once offered Burt $500 to get rid of it. The only reason Burt had grown it out was to cover his double chin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you, Mommy. Ryan from Schlange Island, Jew Dork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, we have to bring that up to Bart in person. I had no idea about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here Jean, read this email. I think this is your wheelhouse. Gosh. Out loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this person had one thing of toilet paper and just went like one, two, three, four, five, six, ugh, like sandpaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have this, you would wipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would fold it, maybe. If it was like super chunky, you'd be like, I'm dropping that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you were trying to conserve it, you fold it a second time, and then you drop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop it. You don't like then go, I'm gonna fold that and then I'm gonna fold that. No. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not even worth discussing. Disgusting beyond belief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they're showing you meeting, that's my favorite, when they go, the guy meets the other guy, and then they show them, like, alright, nice to meet you. Like, you didn't understand that someone, what it looks like when people meet. Fucking A, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of weird. It's a mom boner, but she's like friendly. She's like excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds almost angry, but is actually also like inviting. It's really bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's watching like a speedboat race in the, I think in West Virginia or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady, I feel like we never get to see her and I feel like I could draw a picture of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's dirty blonde, like she used to bleach bleach it and now it's like kinda messier. She's- It's thin too. It's thin and straight. Yea, it's thin now, she's got big hoop earrings, she's got a low cut sleeveless shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too much like jewelry that doesn't really match up, but there's a lot of it. It's kind of tacky. Like maybe three or four necklaces and maybe there's a ring on, you know, eight out of 10 fingers, right? Some bracelets, uh, big sloppy hangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she's five bills, but I think she's like, you know, she's a broad 220.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her sexual pass is terrifying to go over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visualize sex worker life in Bangladesh. Right. And making moose sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's good. I don't think you want to be a sex worker in Bangladesh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I feel like a real highlight for her though. I think she really enjoys it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fartmasters 100%. Fartmasters was attractive. If I didn't know she was making farts in that shed, I would have been like, yea, she's a good enough looking lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would get over the shame quickly, I think. I'd be much more ashamed to be married to a moose soup lady. I find her voice repulsive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she's so gross. She sounds disgusting. I don't want any part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want, uhm, would you have lesbian ecosex with the moosoop lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to live in the fart shed and, and I'd smell her all that ladies fart all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, cause you have tree bark in your mouth now. Yea, you stupid bitch. Wow, you got really upset with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel like it's genuine, that's the only part. I wish this lady really loved fucking trees. That'd be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feeling he had no power, pulled me aside and told me this is what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The manager followed me outside and kept asking why I didn't want to participate in the warm up. He felt like a winner when I said nothing and drove off with my middle finger up. Keep it glassy, Chris. P.S. Please fuck my triple D slut wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for you, Chris. I feel such a connection to Chris. So do I. I could not do that. I could not be a part of that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that you're like, this is real serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, a blind person is gonna pick up on, uh, somebody's, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some common behavior or, uh, perceived, you know, attitude of, of somebody that they're around. And they're also, there's other stimuli, right? So it's like they met somebody and then somebody around them is going to say something like, oh, you just met, that was a Jewish guy. You know what I mean? Like, and then they're going to maybe repeat things to them. Like, oh yeah, that's what, that's what the Jews always do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that, it's not the blind person just is gonna, oh, I can't see, therefore I can't have a perceived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that this was the episode where you're like, I'm not gonna say anything, they're not gonna get me anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying that that was a Cambodian guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when you, the more like, uh, obscure, not that that's totally obscure, but the more obscure the, um, the race of people, that's what highlights how absurd it is to be super racist. You know what I mean? Like the more, the smaller the group and someone being like, they're the worst, the more you go, that sounds pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gosh, I am the master of accents, and there's a new...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Submission that I've been asked to break down. Uhm, oh also I should mention quite quickly, if you must,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That my vinyl of mostly, vinyl of mostly stories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is in, it's signed. I autographed the first batch of them and they will come with a bikes poster. The first batch comes with a bikes poster. So if you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, or you just go to TomSegura.com and you click on my store, it'll take you and you'll see the, uh, merchant, the, uh, the vinyl on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So he is Dr. David Horsebroke. Just the way he says his last name, like look how it's spelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Language Information Officer at the Center for Scratchlead and Perth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's other names for the Scots. They're Derek and they're Polly and they're Bi. Okay. So far it's easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy looks ju- you just like this with this same stare when he tells you to suck it. Right? He's like, get down there and you're mo- a misbeer. Rub, rub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Southland. In Easter Scotland. On Easter. Oh, on Easter. In Scotland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right. Yeah, I know. He really did Trump. His accent was Trump by his boredom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that that guy quit mid, like first day of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you agree with this guy? Well, I don't know, I mean, I think what he's saying is the amount that you're being dehydrated from maybe the caffeine is outweighed by the amount of water that is in a coffee, because a coffee is mostly water, right? That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to see more, uh, data.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know we have the what you know what I'm saying champ? Yea. They say this is the like champ. That might be me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it gets real ready. I think you can put a lot of stuff on there and you can keep on licking. And she's still like, you're like, it's pretty dry. She's like, yeah, stays like that. And you're like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it's going to be on Netflix. Maybe it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, here's the movie synopsis. Action legend Steven Seagal headlines this explosive thriller that pits US forces against Eastern European drug cartel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When crime boss Salazar turns informant, US Marshal Jensen and his team


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a guy too, this guy I'm sure learned his lines and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The voiceover. I don't know why that doesn't matter to somebody on this, you know what I mean? Someone invested their money in making this turd. And you would think they'd be like, can you fucking audio mix this right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, I'm sure, yea, that's a fat guy's friend, believe me.


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[Assistant] Well, you start putting on layers of things and you kinda look like everybody else. Ian's gonna funded this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's Salazar, but he's joking. Everyone is surprised to see me alive. Why are you talking like that, Salazar? Weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fire, but that was, can you tell already that that's bad acting? No, no. You can't? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, at least that right there, there where you're barely trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, do it more angry. I want him dead!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, me and my friends are on the, I forget what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, I am singing, no? He's like, no, but sing it. She's like, I'm going to LA. He's like, you don't sing much? She's like, it's all I do. And he's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like those masks. Could be interesting. They're terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny how all these movies always have a female, either, uh, DA, FBI, US Marshal, some agent who's like unusually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Attractive for that line of work. I've seen some federal officers that are females. They don't look like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that woman, uh, she didn't need to go to medical school, so she didn't go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's also kind of a, philosophically, you could make that statement about everyone whoever you ever call. Right. Or whoever talks to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, they're doing him favors with these shots. Yes. Because you're leaving out the Hushi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also layer, see? Leather. A thick leather jacket. It's also a fat guy friend. Yeah. Collar shirt. Like I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a wild story. I can't believe Sickler hasn't told that story yet. Hey Ryan, why don't you tell that story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. He's like, I get this. So you do like at an audition. You're like, I got the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the trailer is obviously supposed to highlight the best moments of your film, and they clearly leave in a dummy, like a falling. This is clearly a dummy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you have to watch it. You can't obviously, but if you're watching the trailer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you just cut it faster so that people can't tell. But you get to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you think so? It might suffer a little. Kicky punch, kicky punch, kick kick kick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the point of it, it gets numb. You keep sucking on the- I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now a picture of Hillary Clinton just sucking over and over on that guy's butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think of all the bullshit you had to deal with all these years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but do you think that he's like, uhm, she can go to the store and she's like, I know where you're fucking going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mind? She's like, go do what you gotta do. God, you insatiable pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, I gotta get going, Jean. Anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you too. I got, uhm, let's see. Ben Solo submitted this song, it's called Sharpening the Knife. Uhm. Uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During the 1950s, young America discovered blue jeans, and the industry exploded in the United States.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you treat them en masse? Can you open up a booth at the Juggle Oak?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just want to share with all of you why I felt the need to share me placing menstrual blood all over my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farts. They don't care. It's a desk show. You're at the desk. Who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not, it's not that, it's not that, it's just, you know, uh, I wonder how much longer she'll live, stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, in another state so they don't, like, run into each other, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A truck driver, yea. Until that trucking company is like, you got a new route. You gotta go every week to San Francisco. And you're like, oh. Then you start a third family, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're always like, damn, you're out, you travel a lot. I gotta know. Yeah. Yup. That's how it goes. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's start the show. Okay. Let's do it, man. Let's go. Ready? Yeah. And... Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I guess it's all like for you, but then it comes out to other things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They fly over. First you notice them hovering. I wonder why they're hovering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe somebody's, uh, in trouble out here, and then they go, hey you, don't be alarmed. Just calm down. There's 15 great white sharks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gotta be nothing fucking scarier. I mean, I think if I heard that announcement, like as soon as he fucking started that announcement, the first moment...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then just pools of diarrhea would come out the back of my shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It's just a new taste, a new smell to them. They don't fucking... Right. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Sickle Cell and I went up to, um, Eugene and back to Portland, Oregon this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shows were really fun. Man, we could not get a good meal. It's so weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to Eugene, we went, I don't want to trash the places, you know, because it's like, they weren't like egregiously trying to ruin our time. It just wasn't good. We went to a place for lunch, we were like, this is fucking dog shit. What did you order?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was salad shrimp, like the ones that are not, I would say, one quarter of one inch, you know, those mini ones. And then he ordered some oysters for us, looked like loogies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was this a seafood place? No, it was a nice, they were like, it's a good restaurant, and it was fucking terrible. Then we went to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, another place, after show, it was alright. And then we, uh, had breakfast the next morning at the hotel, I'm indigestible, it was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sucks. Yeaah. Then we went to Porkland and we did have something good. You know, you can always get something good in Portland, Oregon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were like, this is our first good meal, was in Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and Ryan are both in a special category now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our support sevens. Those are good. New Balance. He said they come in four colors only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like these all maroon, uh, I think beige and one other. But he said they completely changed the way his back and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put these- I'm gonna send this to him so he can get- These are my new ones? Yeaah. Those look orthopedic too. Some people really like them, some people fucking hated them. I couldn't believe how many people- everyone's an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this. T-t-t-t-terrible. Uhm, them shits is doo-doo. Someone call these dad shoes. These are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This super exclusive, undefeated, uh, colabo with Adidas and they're like, dad, should we talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did send in those uh, send back those terrible ones, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish we had a photo of them so we could really break it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because she's like, if I didn't have them I'd just collapse to the ground in pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's not a color, it's the style, this black as fuck old lady style. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it started that uhm, what's that great actor he was on Breaking Bad? The young kid on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blake Lively, the guy from Breaking Bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a cool premise, but it just went to shit. So many movies just go to shit. They just shit the fucking bed. And uhm, this one did too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he starts looking for, and you're not going to like all the answers you get, that kind of thing. So you start, you get involved and you get invested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the reveals are- are just stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super lame. Super lame. Also, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not, I mean, you can say that this is a sexist I guess, but I don't buy her being what they said she was. In other words, it's not that I don't believe any woman could do that, I don't believe that actress is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, it's completely unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get us into trouble now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that's not true. I mean, I'm not saying there's not any out there, but that's, and for the most part, you know, uglier people have to strive to make a name for themselves. They have to work in life. So I feel like you usually see uglier looking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I do know, it's not like a, it's not like, you don't see supermodels at the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but let's make sure to send pictures, okay? Because I bet you're a borderline model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so we also were trying to keep the family tradition going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In our, our night away of ordering an adult film in a hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That DR plays, it was around the clock. Nonstop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a hotel in Europe once where it was like that too, in Spain somewhere, where it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 24-7, you get hardcore pornography.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in this place, it was obviously, you order a movie, right? Or you can order like the, the four hour package and all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We look through the titles, that was not one of them. Yeah, no. But, we were trying to figure out like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That's a powerful snore. We're trying to figure out what's the, uh, what's the one we want to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That a new genre, not new, but a genre,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They had multiple films.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you start seeing four or five titles in a hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's picked up. It was like, my hairy teen, and my wife's hairy bush, and hairy girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So he can make videos like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really caught our attention. I'm really disappointed we didn't watch it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I just googled that, uhm, that title and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found some other ones. I found, I let him fuck my slut wife. Please bang my wife. Triple D fuck me. My friend fucks my wife and comes in her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ruin everything. You ruin everything. What are you raising it to? Where'd you put it on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, we didn't order that film. It also brought me back to the time we went on a cruise with my parents, my whole family actually. And we decided we want to order a movie then and we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on this cruise, you could order a film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen that before. Like, you'd pay to watch softcore. So dumb. So after we fast forwarded through it, and realized what it was, I called, uh, Guest Relations. And the Filipino guy was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, I ordered this movie, and there's no penetration. And he goes, wah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have such a soft spot for that lady. Cause you know, she's like, you know what we're here to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, cast this fucking, come on. Yeah, you can tell that she's just like, ehh. It's horrible. Let's pick up the pace a little bit. It's horrible. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a, it's an exercise in their own vanity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram is a place to find them by the way. They have found their, uh, their place in this social media world. Like this Instagram, you just like, if you open your explore page, sometimes they're just beautiful people and you go there and it's like, it's not any one of like any known


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, field or talent, they're just like, I'm incredibly good looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm sharing it with all of you. Yeaah, it's amazing. That's their whole, that's their forum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's something that's horribly upsetting. Uh, god damn it. This is like, this pisses me off that this even exists. This is real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a, it's a push back on people saying that too much for everything. Like in other words, people were told you're not normal if you're gay. Right, right, right, right, right. Or if you have feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then the pushback is that ANYTHING


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a fuckin' asshole, man. Yeah, total asshole. You know, I mean, I really, it enrages me that somebody- Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take him into a room, get a couple of fucking baseball bats. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give them a real fucking beating and then afterwards be like, you still want to lose those limbs?


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[Assistant] That's what you should do and see if they feel the same way afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants to give them rights. Hey, there's a whole group of dumb people out there that want to do some dumb shit to themselves. And we should all be there to help them. Supporting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's like people have been in accidents and wars and they're like, yeah, it's been a real thrill that this happened and you want this to happen? Fuck you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I'm hearing though, is that they wanna do it. He hasn't said that like, and then they did it. You realize that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like these people really feel it. I feel a lot of ways too. I do too. You just fucking sit on those feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you, uh, sign up for a jujitsu school and see if they'll break your fucking arm. Like, just stay bad at it and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of uh, horrible or hilarious, this is one that came in. I don't know if I can even handle this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not a good one. It's not hilarious. I don't understand what happened. I don't know. I don't wanna see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what he did. I don't know what he did. I'm upset. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, that's a horrible one. That's a horrible one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, that was a full fuckin', uh, stoppage. You actually changed clothes, you were so traumatized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing that we wanted to announce that uhm, we're actually having a guest in the studio for the first time in, well first time here and also the first time in, I don't know, it's gotta be like two years or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're uh, we're set up for a guest, but listen, turns out that guy, cause I didn't even want to look again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stupid. What did he think was gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the verdict is in. Horrible or hilarious, that was fucking horrible. Horrible. Wait, so you didn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Traumatic. Yeah. Yeah, uhm. But hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said you're never gonna believe this. I'm browning too. We were both browning at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was synergy, yea. And I hit the mute button so that you didn't hear, like when you would start talking I would hit mute and then push.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was really thoughtful of me. You agreed on that. That was really nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy to me because I thought I'd snuck in there. Well I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, somebody sent this email speaking of Brown. Is it gross to Brown at a strip club? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need the Segura to settle. The situation happened, I believe only Top Dog and Buns, oh, me and my dad, can provide a balanced perspective on this. On Friday, my best friend and I went to a sleazy strip club to enjoy adult entertainment. My friend Dan


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like shitting in a supermarket is never allowed.


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[Assistant] This is the most foul and horrid place to relieve oneself. Here's the question. Is it reasonable to make brown? I think it's reasonable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like that's his logic for why not to do it. And I think that's odd. I think it's weird when people shit out at night at bars and stuff though. I think that's not fun. You're at a bar and you're taking a shit? That's different. I think it's weird that you got to shit at that hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I do get, by the way, I guess he's saying, you know, there's so many gross dudes, and they don't, obviously don't care for the facilities. But I mean, most bathrooms are pretty gross. That's what I'm saying at the strip club, like, guys are obviously pissing and probably jerking off all over those bathrooms. But, I mean, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me know if this issue can be resolved. Thanks, Chris. Wow. That is terrible. Nah, I know what he means. I know what he means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for reference, uh, here, let me see, here is, why is this not working? Why is this not working?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Oh yeaah yeaah. No stunner.


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[Assistant] They're all marriage material. Okay. No I would, I would put it in all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care. Put em in, put em, put em everywhere. Leave em out. I like em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? What's that? I'll think on the inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here's a dad boner. This one's pretty fucking great. This dad boner decides to go fishing with a drone. So it's like his own little experiment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be so mad at him. I like his dad boner style though. I do too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I totally see you as that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's in the game, we're in the game. I mean, I actually have, I recorded your response when I farted there. I hit it on my phone, here you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I would bargain with you. I don't think we're over the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The double, the double leg back pull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you run in there? Would you mind? It's on the counter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. We don't do that. We shouldn't shit in front of each other. I mean, I don't know if this has been the line crossing. Somebody sent in this evidence that you, you are the fart champ, says? I am. Let's see though. Let's see what it says.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm with you and you have this horrible gas problem. Uh, you just let them rip all day and I'm like, I love her, what am I supposed to do? And then you say, you fart a lot more than me, I think, and I say no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you say, who do you think farts more? And I say, you. So, it's kind of, it's weird. In this instance, we're actually, you're declaring, declining that you are, and I'm insisting that you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in episodes 1 to 394, there is clear, irrefutable evidence, episode 1, that Tom Segura is the personality champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just let him rip all day. Oh yeaah, me. And I'm like, I love her, what am I supposed to do? There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. You let out a couple monster ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is about, uh, discovering oneself. Yeah. Self discovery. And you're kind of at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, it's pretty, pretty wild that we've gotten to this point where you're really finding out who's who and what's what, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So any moment we should be joined by somebody, it's going to be, I think we should leave it as a surprise until he gets here. Just to be sure. Yeah, of course. And it's not what you expect. It's not a comic, an entertainer, but it is a field that is of great interest to both of us. To both of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so. As usual, you're ruining a great moment, but uhm, I think you guys will probably find this as interesting as we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does this administration think of the cum strike that's going on? The what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't say, are the dogs in here? I said, is Feef in here? Because I had bits. Because what was happening was I was upstairs. I was on my computer. The phone rings. There's somebody outside and he goes, is your dog Bitsy? Like, yeah. He's like, I have her outside. So I run outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just standing there as dude who I would not have guessed would be the type of guy to do this. He did not look like, oh. You're like, kinda homeless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he just looked kind of, uhm, I don't know. Just kind of. Dirty. Yeah, he's kind of like a perv or something, yeah. So I take Bitsy in and then I'm in. By the way, when I go downstairs, the front door is open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh shit. And we just go outside and we start looking for them. Or looking for Feeb, cause Pits is back here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About three houses down, four houses down, and uh, we had, I mean we walked to that area too, but he, he was, you know, he's only what, a few inches off the ground, so we missed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we can all know what's going on here. I was glassing over your recent podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought this could be a fantastic learning experience for all involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crohn's is a chronic inflammatory condition. With that inflammation, something called fistulas can form. Fistula is basically a little tube that connects two hollow organs. These can form between your bowel and blood vessels, your skin, and even, yes, your bladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the last sort of fistula forms called an enterovascular fistula air and water waste products can travel from the bowel into the bladder. This causes amazing dick farting phenomenon that we have grown to love today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually graduating from medical school in a week, so I know what I'm saying. Know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put some respect on my la- on my name. I love you. Signed, the dick farting expert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, no one touched on that. No one touched on that. I mean, it's air, so it could stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100,000 dick farts a day. I'd rather just, every time I take it out, it just farts a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I would take one of those over a lifetime of dickfarts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be really bad though to do this. This would be really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so let's, uh, let's break and hopefully in a few moments, a few minutes, we'll return with a guest that we're very excited about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This show had a lot of different topics. Most of them were between R and T17 and Triple X. And now it's a total change of pace. And we're very happy to welcome, by the way, you are our first guest, and I'm not exaggerating here, in a couple years. Oh my god. We used to have guests all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now we have the foremost water sommelier in the United States and actually in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it annoy you how many people say Porsche wrong? They should say Porsche, right? I'm, I'm, I'm brave. You're brave. I'm German. Yeah. You deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna give people the background to this. So what happened was, I actually saw a different, one of your competitors, uh, water sommelier on CNN. There was a piece on him, and he was in Asia. I think he was in Shanghai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, Tom. I saw, I'm wearing a water champ hat for those of you listening. Right. Uh, I saw this piece and I thought, oh, this is fascinating, but then I saw it's in Shanghai and I go, eh, well, I guess that'll never happen. Then I'm on Instagram and I see this, uh, 60 second piece on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm watching it and I'm like, oh cool, another water swallowing game. And then I see in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Immediately, I go to your website, uh, it's Martin hyphen Reese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's the thing, just to give people, like most people know the word sommelier and that that always is, you know, high end restaurant, they have a sommelier to tell you about wines and their origin and how do you come about becoming a water sommelier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like everybody senses that, but you acted on it. In other words, we all tried tap waters, as a kid especially, and you're like that, but I feel like you're the one who was talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this is so cool, man. And like all our water competitions aside, we are big fans of like water in general. Like we, we all, it started because, you know, we, we were both drinking water and, and had this banter back and forth about like who drinks more. But the truth is I do love


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right, but there really is serious differences. I mean, I think the inexperienced person knows that different waters taste differently, but in its easiest form to explain, the difference really comes down to mineral content, right? Correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard of. This is what I'm so excited about. I mean, there's definitely, I would say amongst, I will call us the, the regular civilians who are not in your, your league of knowledge, everybody kind of, kind of thinks


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I drank during that water cut when I was doing a weight loss contest. You're trying to cut water. The last few days the fighters, they told me that the way you do it is you drink distilled water to flush your system. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, like she like set me up for, uh, I forget if it was hosting or uhm, I don't know, something like that. I had zero restaurant experience, but I went in and like I had on a suit and I kind of tried to shoot the shit with the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited to jump in and try some waters. Another thing we did, because we were talking about this even before you got here, I definitely want to do this. I have a glass of our filtered system water. Can I give you a glass? So nervous. I put too much in it, but I just want to see what...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all of these that we're looking at here, these all are different to the palette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single one of these. And price wise, like when we, when we talk about, um, for instance, wines, right? Wines, people who don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the more expensive ones are just less mass produced.


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[Assistant] That's what it is. See, can I tell you something? Before this is confirmed, I thought I was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a number that you try to hit as far as consumption per day? Do you try to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Wow. So that actually is, you're drinking water. Water, water. Sure, it's water. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm thinking. I've stayed in, uh, hotels where that type of thing happens and I go, I'm not drinking this shit. But that's my first thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Fiji still has a much more, like when I do it right after especially, a much, the smoothness is still stands out as very different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's a really cool thing. I think it's a very accessible price point for an experience. In other words, somebody wants to try this, like it's three or four bucks, so you can definitely do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fascinating. Uhm, what's up with Hilden? That's our next one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bubbles. And they're bigger. They look like they're big bubbles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I think the biggest eye-opener, at least for me, and I think I imagine for people listening, is the idea that reading that there's things in your water doesn't equal, uh, automatically, or in any way, necessarily, bad thing. Cause I think every one of us probably who doesn't know goes, oh that's bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now can I ask you how, you have a water menu that you offer. I feel like we go to a lot of nice restaurants and travel a lot and still even in high end restaurants I get the question, tap, still or sparkling? In other words, there's no other, is the options thing gonna be developing more you think in restaurants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is blowing my mind. Uhm, so let's see, this is, is this a sparkling water you're about to buy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, by the way, what quality is it, cause now I can, I can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes me back now that I've had still water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I can't believe we haven't put this together yet with Martin here. Uh, do you know this clip? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to ask something. Will you grab from the fridge a Zevia and a La Croix? Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we brought these in because Christina made a good point. Like, what is going on with these?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the Zevia one there, the one that he just put on that table, uhm, it has the contents on it as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brand is in Wisconsin and I assume that they, they make and bottle it and everything there. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and look at their website. Where does the water originate? American brand using water sourced from the USA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes you stronger and you're gonna feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves it. We'll give you a case on the way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty much what it is. It's piss. Here's why people are, uhm, it's, it's that it's the, there's no artificial added sweeteners, no sugar, so people are, uh, drinking that, that's become a popular beverage, because it's like you're having a soda experience, but you're not getting that glucose spike in your sugars. No, no, I got it, I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To put some... I think it's religious, like Jesus blesses it or something, and it has a thing to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far there's one, two, three, four, five bottles that I'd never even heard of. Which is so cool. And there's two more that we haven't yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are these, by the way, available at Patina? Are these, or some of them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what is going on? Now, is it that the mineral level is so high that that's what the flakes are? But it's still safe to drink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's nice. Cheers. Cheers. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, it is like distinctly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, at this point, don't these levels affect how you're tasting food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To recap, one of the things to like, to basic, like advance yourself in this. Ask for spring water, glacier water, or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, very good. Uhm, Martin Reesee. Reesee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The website is martin-risa.com. You can go to Patina in downtown Los Angeles and actually see Martin in the flesh and experience the water menu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, actually, you know, I think this is really cool. Try out different waters and, and, and see if you guys can experience some of what we did here today. It's a very, very eye-opening thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nein. Das, not das ist. Thanks for listening, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I just told you that. Told you. Can you turn it down for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta turn your bell tones down. Oh man, that's rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe we found a way to talk about, uh, farting, poop, pooping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's amazing though, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe it. When we started this silly show in our house in Silver Lakes, remember we sat at the kitchen table, I'll never forget this, and we had the discussion over what to name our new podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget the other candidates, but it was basically, what's the dumbest thing we could call a podcast? And we're like, oh, it's your mom's house. Where are you going? It's your mom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same. For everyone. Everyone's the same. I'm so excited though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, I'm still caught up on that brown story because you started to tell me a brown story and then I was like, wait, save it, save it. And now I'm still thinking about what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love the intro. The sweet guitar licks. Oh yeaah. It's absurd. Oh my god, I almost just spilled my own coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause we at the time were playing that Mr. T clip, that was a silly one, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a gay name for a position in foosball, isn't it? Yeah. The tight end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Stevie doesn't have dementia. He's moderately touched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we really, I really liked that one, and then I really liked, uh, Todd Phillips. He drinks. Yeah! The other one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People changes. See, he always gets the plural wrong. I like when he's all, people call me snake. Cause I ain't afraid of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, can I, and I know everyone's buying 1984, the George Orwell book, but it is double plus good. It's called Newspeak in that book and it's, there's totally an entirely new lexicon and it's Newspeak and it's gibberish and it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I guess I owe it to the listeners. There we go. For 400.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I looking down the barrel of the next Mrs. Segura?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what I'm afraid of with your asshole? Pacificly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the heat. It's so hot down there. The heat and the sweat and the hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I hear your dumps. They don't sound good. I can only deduce that the smells aren't good. I've heard you shit. I just, I can't. I can't unknow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you think you could get it sterile enough that I won't contract some kind of, uhm, anal to mouth disease?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just not convinced she's right in the head. I don't know her well enough, but I don't think that's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but yes, to your point, I don't think any- she's right. And I've never heard it actually expressed that way. She said it perfectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me just think about it. I mean, I wanna go to Tahiti, that's a bucket list thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hotter there in Tahiti, that's the problem, is that I'm actually making more problems for myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm afraid, honestly, I'm afraid of the hair and the smell that hair traps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's keep it honest. And, and the heat. There's a lot of heat. Cause I put my finger in there playfully, not in there, but in the area. Like to pretend spread your cheeks and it's hot. It's so sweaty. It's like a jungle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about a day where you watch the kid and I go stare at the beach?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I don't trust that your thighs can- I think you're gonna smother me if you do it that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't trust that you will respect me enough to not smash your joker, your mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about, I, we do the, we do the die die change. That's the only way I would do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you can't get that on eyeballing. There's just germs, bacteria. Let's have fucking doctors write in and tell us how many fecal to oral cases they've seen. You get worms, parasites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, honestly, it's sickness that terrifies me. I mean, shit man, that's how you get like hepatitis when you go to other countries. It's fecal matter in food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm afraid. We're just gonna have to not. You just almost signed up for it. I didn't sign up. I'm afraid. Listen, if we have doctors write in, if somebody can assure me in the medical community listening that it would not result in me getting hepatitis or some horrific disease, then yeah, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you tell me, it's not possible, but it's fecal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I don't, here's why, because I get leaky butt all the time. I shit, this is why I started brown to shower. Because I'm mega brown and then I wipe, wipe, wipe and the brown keeps coming and that's when I had to start. It feel good to hear your ass leak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of somebody whose finger doesn't close after childbirth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we talk about the Brown story? I'm dying to hear the end of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually really is talent. I mean. Yeah, of course it is. Fun in the train. Production. Plop sounds. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like a recipe for L butt blasting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I can lay down in the green room and then get up on stage. I go from zero to hundreds. It makes me feel more tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. I mean, I can get that. Imagine being Frank Sinatra famous and walking through the hotel every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let everybody know where the comic sleeps, but there's one club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where they put you up in the hotel, the club is in the hotel, and then your room is right behind the stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so yeah, but it's not, I'm talking about this club, they literally put you in the room that if you open the back door to the stage, there's your room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and what's crazy is that, like really famous people have done that room and have stayed in that room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, wait, how is that possible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, like, this is not how show business works at all, yeaah. It's pretty funny. So, but let's get to the important thing, I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, back up, now I'm finally, finally getting to the part of the story that I care about. Okay, you said you had hotel coffee, now is this


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[Assistant] Now may, may I, before we continue, may I give you my travel tip? And this is for the listeners. Whenever you're traveling,


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[Assistant] Go buy the Starbucks instant coffee. Go to Starbucks before your trip or on Amazon using our banner, your mom's house podcast. And you buy the instant packets. I'm telling you that shit is white. It's brown lightning.


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[Assistant] You'll drink that and you're gonna shit. You're gonna shit. If that doesn't make you shit, nothing will.


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[Assistant] So you're like, do I stay, sit here, finish this cup? Yeah. No, did you finish the whole cup?


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[Assistant] That's interesting. What's interesting is that when I travel and I go to bar stucks and I get a double tall, uh, soy latte, it doesn't make me shit anymore. It's not strong enough.


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[Assistant] I mean, you just go, uh, uh, moving along. Like, no, nobody else has a Brown story to share, as long as no one else is talking.


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[Assistant] Oh, well okay, so anyways, last night I made eggplant, and I ate a whole, almost a whole eggplant to myself, and then I went to sleep, and I didn't have any farts all night, which for sure is like, eggplant.


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[Assistant] And I didn't hit any kind of parts and I was like concerned a little, like what does that mean? Does it mean that, like can you make your body immune?


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[Assistant] No, cause I eat Brussels sprouts now and I don't really get as many farts as I used to in the beginning. So anyways.


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[Assistant] No, I'm serious. I think you can build a resistance to the food that gives you the farts and you get less farts over time. So I'm having like no farts. And then this morning I drank my coffee.


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[Assistant] And I took the biggest shit of my life. I mean, it was so much grand.


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[Assistant] And I thought, isn't that weird though that I didn't have any, like,


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[Assistant] My theory is that I've grown it. You can build an immunity.


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[Assistant] Not every day, but I've had it enough to build an immunity. You know, it's like when you take a little bit of the poison every day, your body builds an immunity to it.


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[Assistant] 2009 could have happened. You think so? Like, had nothing picked up for us. Yeah, I mean, we were-


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[Assistant] Well, possibly because, look, when I married you, I mean, I had just transitioned into being a full-time feature actor. I had no money. And I leaned in on you and, you know, we, because of you.


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[Assistant] Wear your pajama bottoms too. That's a weird choice, the pajama bottoms. I think she eats veggies.


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[Assistant] Healthy diet, guys. I could do- I could so do it. It's really not a big deal.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't do it that way. I would make mine more playful the way King Assripper does. I create more scenarios, more oopsies.


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[Assistant] Now, in a response, we came up with a very serious topic discussion. We normally don't get the serious on the show, uh, but we were wondering, what do you call it when you have to dump but only a fart comes out? Yeah, that was a big...


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[Assistant] Oh wait, can I kiss you on that I've gleaned from Twitter? Sure.


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[Assistant] Okay, at RealBigKong writes, a no shit but a fart should be called a shinope. Shit and nope combo.


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[Assistant] Why isn't there a word for it? Right, right, right. Okay, uh, this one is from at Geral B. Dump fake. Ghost shit.


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[Assistant] Okay. Just watched the latest episode, mommies. This is from at Secret Moves MMA. What if the opposite of shart was farsh? Which also sounds like farce.


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[Assistant] That's a, that's a good, that's a good, uhm, at chase leopard writes.


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[Assistant] I mean, how much could she make, seriously? I don't know. I mean, $50 a video, dude. In this economy?


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[Assistant] Put out content. I mean, she's really gotta be farting everyday. Every other day.


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[Assistant] What's the pros? Just the sheer volume?


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[Assistant] Fartmistress 40. Cause then, then I combine like the MILF genre and the fart.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but there's, but there's not fartmistress.com is what I'm saying. Fartmistress 40, yeah.


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[Assistant] Cause then it combines the MILF and the fart genre together.


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[Assistant] The farting MILF, that's another one. From a marketing standpoint.


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[Assistant] Now how much content do I have to put out? Is it once a week or daily? Like how do these porn sites work? Tell me.


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[Assistant] Oh right, but I mean to keep my subscribers engaged and happy.


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[Assistant] Right. And then I gotta tweet the videos, but then you're just giving away for free, right? Little tastes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, see the whole thing. Well that's the thing, the teaser is the whole show. Pretty much, I mean a fart is only a few seconds.


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[Assistant] See that's what I worry about in that genre is it's so limited creatively. Like how many setups can you- Why don't we get more creative?


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[Assistant] But I mean, it's like, oh, I have to fart so bad. Ugh. Like, we need to really think of a way to reinvent the fartmistress genre.


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[Assistant] What if it's an accidental thing? Like, we set up these scenarios where like, I'm at jury duty. And then I'm like, oh my god, Tom, I have to fart so bad. I'm afraid to let it out. And you're like, just let it out. And like I fart in public and stuff.


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[Assistant] What about the car fart? Where you, it's like a hot one and then you leave, you come back, it's still there. That kind of stuff.


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[Assistant] He go down, and then you had to pull the fort. He says some people want circumstance.


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[Assistant] It's just down, down, down. It's not down back, you know what I'm saying?


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[Assistant] Kiss Shaq's tootsies. And we saw what they looked like. We saw what Shaq's feet looked like.


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[Assistant] We did it in the last episode. If you're listening to this, uh, just on the podcast, please Google Shaq's feet.


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[Assistant] Every time you're, uh, masturbating, you gotta have...


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[Assistant] The Chinese guy coaching you, and he's like, rub, rub, rub. And then you play the audio of him ejaculating as you ejaculate.


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[Assistant] He comes with you to the hotel rooms, like when you're on the road.


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[Assistant] You know what, come to think of it, he should be like a concierge service. Like, he should come to your house and teach you how to rub, rub, rub.


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[Assistant] I mean it would hurt, but I'd find a way.


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[Assistant] Steven Seagal is just like a, you know, sweaty fat older guy. He's not that bad.


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[Assistant] I mean, he's got that silly hair, but that's, you know, that's nothing.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. I have to listen to him talk about himself all day, but- Of course.


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[Assistant] You know why? I think because the old Chinese guy could be like my granddad. I feel like he's too old.


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[Assistant] That old? Yes, he's like your sweet old Chinese granddad. I don't like him. He's too nasty, too. Talking about jagging his dick and stuff, I don't wanna hear that.


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[Assistant] Well Crest from Kansas, you can suck my tits.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not gonna listen. I know that you've done it. You pushed a button again. I just fucking saw you. I'm not listening.


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[Assistant] Uhm, this woman I can be related to. This is also a very Eastern European look.


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[Assistant] Uh, not good teeth, soggy mushy mushers, and they're mashed into a tube top, which when you got big hangers, you cannot wear a tube top.


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[Assistant] Listen, we're not even, I'm just listening to the voice.


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[Assistant] Yeah, actually, that would make more sense. Definitely Tegan.


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[Assistant] She could be. Sometimes these folks don't age very well.


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[Assistant] They, they live on a diet of like Wonder Bread. Real? Hot Cheetos and booze. Oh.


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[Assistant] I like her initiative with doing this with a hairdryer. I feel like we need to do this on our street because so many assholes just whoosh.


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[Assistant] No, I have relatives that look this bad. Definitely. I got a couple right now that look like that. That's just hard to believe.


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[Assistant] Right, right, right. No, uh, dentistry or medical care.


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[Assistant] Is that the same saying in Spanish, tossing salad? What would they call that? Is there a root or phrase?


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[Assistant] But I like that these people were like, this is church, and they're like, okay pull your pants down, okay, now spread your cheeks, gotcha, like wouldn't you be like, fuck you, I'm not pulling my pants down, crazy train.


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[Assistant] I think we should take you to a yoga class so that you can learn to lick your own butt hole.


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[Assistant] Can't I just take a rag on a stick and wet it and then mash it against your butt hole and be like, that's my tongue.


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[Assistant] No, because I've never been a showboater like you are, where you guzzle a gallon and then, oh, I'm the water champ. It's not about that. It's about hydrating constantly throughout the day so that I don't need to binge. I understand. You're a binge drinker. I'm not. I'm a consistent...