[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Los Angeles and uh, you want like a fun different type of show. I mean that they do a really nice job. We had to get dressed up by the way, if you saw the picture, the reason is because it's mandatory. Guys have to wear coat and tie. Women have to be in formal attire. It's nice. It changes the whole experience though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. There was all kinds of trickery. I mean, we saw a really good magic show. We really did. Like the one that we.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're ticketed for, you know, the big show that was fantastic, right? I mean, there was so many and you guys got involved. You actually, Nadav got to go on stage and you were part of a trick where, um, I mean, just to give like the, you know, the quick points of it, the woman was tied up with ropes. They, they cover you for a second and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your coat is on her and the ropes are tied up over her. It made no sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, we were all looking for your boner. She had a nice little body, and I could see that you weren't looking exactly at her eyes, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But it was a good show, and it blew everybody's mind, right? Yeaah. They did that thing where, where, uh, things that you've said throughout the show are ultimately written on a piece of paper that's locked in a box. Right? I have no idea how they do that. That's wizardry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I also feel like we got the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a astonishing report, I didn't know this, that he didn't, he didn't shift for all of November, and that Dr. Drew was like, that's cool, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Alright, stop doing that, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Please don't do that again. Jesus. I won't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't remember the last time it went longer than anything like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get a physician in here, you know, like an actual somebody who every day they just see patients about their physical health. Or a gastroenterologist who would like to get one of them in here. Really, I'd like more information about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I feel like, I feel like if you had a regular exercise routine, there's no way that you could do this. Your body would just force it out more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gastroenterologist? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Alright, I got one that I think will come in. Really? Yeah. Uhm, oh yeah, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing we didn't mention a few weeks ago that I was super honored by was the shout-out. Oh my god. In the Zarfe song, uh, Bizarro, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uhm, that is Esoteric, 7L, and Inspector Deck, that's their group. I know Inspector Deck, I've heard of that guy. They had a new album out, they gave the, they say, catch me at your mom's house, what's up, what up, Tom Segura. And I was like, what? And the album, by the way, is bananas. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that's on the, the shoutouts on the first track, the song's Bizarro. But I've listened to this album now like ten times or more in just the last, I don't know, couple, uh, couple days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's like 12 tracks. It's a really good album. Did you listen to it? Did you listen to the album?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that song. Is it on Spotify? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the whole, the album's everywhere you can get music, but if you like hip hop, check out the new Zarface album. It's really, really something, man. That's different from the Wu-Tang thing that I have. I have something cooking that I can't say yet, but I have, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing something that is involved with Wu Tang. Oh, oh my gosh. I'll tell you pretty soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is, this album, I'm not just saying it cause like, I did get turned on to the album cause of the shout out, but the album is fantastic. Like the, like the, the production's amazing. And, um, like as an MC, that's what Tarik's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I just threw this together in my basement. I know. Fucking unbelievable. So talented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy's got quite a voice on him. Uhm, alright, check this out. Uhm, I'm sure this is okay to play. I hope it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that he was working construction. Yeaah. You think this is gonna play well with the fellas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we just put these people somewhere else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I just see, I don't see this being that bad. I just think it's still always crazy to me to agree to do this video. Like, you know what I mean? Like, be a baby and dress up like a baby and your partner is like, yea, I'll hook you up with, you know, a baby, whatever. Then you're like, let's do it on the news though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you a tale. We had that, we were talking about that, that fantasy cause we have to take our dog to get her anal gland expressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking about going to maybe a new vet where you bring Bitsy in and you go, I need to get her anal glands expressed. And then you go, Oh, I got a bigger dog. I got to go grab in the waiting room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she goes, what kind of dog is this? The wolf. It's a wolf dog. And I go, I lick her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, it's like super human features. She keeps looking at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. And then he may leak from his penis and if you could collect it with your mouth, it'll help us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna get out of there? You wanna come to your senses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just stay upstairs and cry. I'd be so pissed. I would cry until you came and changed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you just keep doing that. And you come up, what the fuck, Tom? And I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did plop pretty hard the other day. I plopped pretty hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And did she want you to take it though to like a toddler place? Like is that what she actually wanted? I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hooked him up with a TV spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Cause I just want people to know and stop judging me about the thing they had no idea about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does. And Jeff could be talked into this tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just did that weekend, my last weekend, my last domestic weekend together. We did, uh, Erie, Columbus, Grand Rapids, and Windsor together. It was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great, it was uhm, I don't know, I didn't see anything. Looking at real estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I just, uh, literally we got the bus drop, dropped us off at the, uh, casino at Caesars. And, uh, you know. You didn't see a lot. You don't see anything, yea. Do the show, leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, uh, some 2020 dates, uh, if you guys wanna come see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the new new, uhm, after I go to Australia and New Zealand, I come back, I have some all Spanish shows. I'm doing Ontario, Oxnard and Tempe in February. And then I, Spokane, it's all English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, then I have a night, let's see, oh yea, Vegas, I'm doing Vegas, uhm, March 6th and 7th at the Mirage at the Terry Phaidor Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing a weekend at the Ice House in Pasadena on March 13th and 14th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Dayton as well in March. And then after that I'll do Brea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll do some of our Spanish shows. Dallas, Houston, Austin and San Antonio. Those are all in Spanish. And then I go back to The Mirage in May.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And finally, West Palm Beach at the West Palm Beach Improv.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In June with a final show in Spanish at the Miami Improv. And then Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom Segura en Espanol. Yes. That's on my personal YouTube cha-page. If you want to, uhm, subscribe, uh, to it on iTunes, if you want to download it, uhm, that'd be great. Rate, review, subscribe, please share it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With your friends, your Spanish speaking friends, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of fun stuff. Alright, thanks, we'll be back shortly with a guest. Bye Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you find that your, uh, I'll preface this by, do you know Lewis Lee?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the owner of Acme in Minneapolis. No, I don't. Great guy. He came over from Hong Kong when he was, you know, let's say 30, right? We don't know each other. Well, I figured you might. But one thing that I was fascinated by was that, you know, he, he lives here. He has a very heavy accent. But when I went on a trip with him to Asia,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, we thought it was hilarious that he's been so far removed from his country of origin that when he goes back and he's speaking Cantonese, everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your shit is weird. Like his references and his slang was all outdated. Yes. And does that happen all the time? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, I guess to us, you know, to us you don't, to them you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh come on! Was it a constant, uh, thing on your mind? Wait, like were you always, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all have this fascination with Dave. Did you guys have a weekly or monthly or some type of rapport? How did it work with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think it's actually, I keep thinking about that you moved back to Sky, is it temporary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also, it's a thing, you know what it is? It's that you know, like, if you go, I wanna do something, and my wife's not on board with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like with you, I don't know if it's really so much body language. I can almost feel it in the force field. Like when I walk in the house, I'll be like, something in the energy stage. I feel it in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. I could tell, I could, I pick up on it like, there can be less than two seconds of interaction where I'll just like say something, you say something and I'll walk and I'll stop and I'll be like, is something bothering you? And you're like, yeah, how'd you know? I'm like, cause I could feel it in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, everything's, I'm content. That life is good. I don't know. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make people understand though, you had a very, again, unique arrangement where you were able to do a broadcasted radio show on your property. Which like basically nobody gets to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a pilot's license. I read that. Now, what did you have that you sold? What was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care who had to die to get this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that on Netflix? Is that, is it Netflix? Yeah, yeah, a shot one. I haven't, it hasn't come out yet, but then you know, you start to get that panic, you're like, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see, I mean I always have this, that thought in my head of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would be, like, do you, you know, you play in your head, will I be the guy who's still gigging in his 70s? You know what I mean? Like, doing those, or, or do you go, will I do this and then something else will become of interest and I'll just, you also see, like, if you're a comic, you see so many people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I don't think so. I was gonna say, if you're starting drugs now, you gotta get into pills. You gotta try pills. I love that you guys are doing a PSA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But by the- I don't know what it says about me, that uhm, I keep, like, I feel at peace with your decision. Just, like, it calmed me down that you're like, I think I'm done doing this demo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not time, but it's something about hearing somebody who's further ahead than you then go like, and then I reach this point and now I'm just done and I'm gonna do something else. I'm like, that's nice. I equate it a little bit like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you wanna do, but you are, you're passionate about these other things that you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you. Well look, more importantly, you sold the G4. What'd you get? You said you still got a long plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, miss me, we'll just get that first and then we'll just do it, you know what I mean? Well, you should learn to fly if you're gonna get that. Yeah, I took a pilot's lesson. Oh, you got a pilot? You got a lesson or a license?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how people do that. How do you direct something you're in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is, it's interesting though that those life experiences do really, you know, the setbacks teach you a lot more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, but are you excited about what you're putting out? About what you shot? The, the new... The Hobo 5 this time? Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it follows it along. So it's actually six episodes of a series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like red hair now and stuff. That's great. We know how you guys are. So alright, so here's a different clip, also not Scottish. Okay. But you know, it's right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy, it's crazy, right? His level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, jackass. Yea, jackass. Yea, hey there, hoser. Douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then there's an explanation and then people are hanging out. They're actually having drinks and like, and in the midst of the hanging out, uh, one of the local Londoner, a woman is hanging with them. And then he's like, Oh, don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] George H.W. Bush, I didn't, I was not a fan of this, but what he would do is, when a woman came to, like, for a photo op, he would say, oh, do you know who my favorite magician is? And they would go, who? And they were like, I'm meeting the president. And he would go, David Copperfield. And then he would squeeze their butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a right cunt. Yeaah, that was perfect. And then could you also give us, uhm, Harry Potter, you're a right cunt. Mr. Potter, you are a cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, let's take it back to the motherland. Here's a Scottish guy. I know you'll be proud of him. Okay. I already like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. It's pretty exciting. Is that what he's doing? Is he speaking in tongues? Well, he's a big ASMR guy and I don't have that. What's that? What's that? Those people who they love just the, the, the certain sounds can stimulate something in their mind and it becomes like this overwhelming experience. They love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those types of like, soft noises and, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scroll, autonomous sensory meridian response.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's Fedsmoker? Fedsmoker is a guy who has an account that's really growing in popularity. He goes and he smokes out feds about cops that are dirty and he knows who's bad and who's not. But he also puts out videos of him doing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of wild shit to himself, like he'll remove his own teeth, uhm, he'll cut his own hair. I really don't want to see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're trying to smoke them out, you can walk in the room, you go, what's up there Chomo? And if somebody turns, you know that they're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where did you meet the wolf? In a club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a wolf club? Yea, it was a place. Did they teach you how to greet it correctly? Greet a wolf correctly? Yes, a human being should always greet a wolf with one, one way. What's up, motherfucker? No, it's like, it's like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do this though? Did you let the wolf lick it inside of your mouth? Sure. No one told you that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. I think when the chocolate comes out, he calls it the other chocolate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We definitely have to start referring to taking dumps as humpties. Yeah, I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does. He's got his own place and you're welcome to eat and drink there. Let me ask you a hypothetical question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. 2395 Wagner Houses Apartment 2C between, uh, 121st and 1st Avenue. Uh, that's where he lives. And he gives out the address all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just moved, and it took a lot out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's out right now. Okay, and where can people see it? Amazon and shit. Amazon and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's pretty cool. And this guy's fine. He's not disturbed. He wants to open a dental practice. He wants to open a dental practice. He actually mentions that in the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could have had that dental procedure done that you talked about. And it would have cost you a fraction of the price and you'd have a nice dog in your lap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, go see now the new docu-series. Hobo. Hobo Fabulous. Hobo Fabulous. Craig Ferguson. Maybe you'll see him walking around Scotland or the neighboring countries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think for sure we'll be in some news blurbs when this episode comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I am sensing notes of vagrancy. He's a homeless guy, he's on the move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you smell in this bouquet? What do you taste?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of pretty girls on TikTok, and I see other girls feeling bad about themselves because they don't think they're as pretty as these other girls on TikTok. Fuck that shit. Know who you are inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura and get that gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how, slippers? Sandals, not slippers, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I don't have anything at all that resembles that, but what I consider pajamas, I- What do you consider pajamas though? Like give us the full-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, uhm, I think the most ridiculous one that I wore, and it was just because they're so comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, like everybody, am feeling...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stir crazy and anxious and wondering what's gonna happen and how long this is gonna last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna see something else cool? So upsetting. You wanna see something cool? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was some fuckin' American, the way I am. Look at your fuckin' pasta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I don't know what I'm participating in. Chopper dies as pubes ginger. Chopper dies as pubes ginger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I wave at a shite, or, uh, you know, I'm fucking, like, I fucking took a Humpty right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, what is, what is this gonna audio jackass


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this South Africa? He said, he said, add me on the grump. Add me on the grump. He said, y'all got Instagram? Ball man jeans too. Add me on the grump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, current issue 98, Spring 2019.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna let you have some scams that are really pissing me the fuck off. Let's start with this one. That's my name right there, Maksud. Okay, they put my name up there to show me how much gold they have and how they're gonna get it to me for cheaper than I buy it. Of course, I'm not retarded, so I would never fall for that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what's the nature of the scam? They're hitting up anybody and everybody and they're saying they got gold for a gold mine and this and that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these guys are doing all these things and using our images and using other people's images. Just taking your $130, putting it in their pocket and telling you to go fuck yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. There you go. Cool. Would you want that? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can tell you know anytime I want. You're getting a fucking baby-raper on your face, okay, cocksucker? You want a baby-raper? You're the one who looks like a baby-raper. Baby-raper, Chomo! Would you escape from jail? What's up there, Chomo? Listen here, what do you guys, how do you get a job here, you fuckface? Well, not by talking like that. Well, you know what? You're fired, bud. No, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep getting mail saying I'm a pervert and I'm creepy. I don't care what your opinion is because I know the truth. I'm not creepy, I'm not a pervert. So I don't care what you think or what you say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a food you can't stand? I don't really like oysters. I hate eggs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Sulu guy is a thousand percent saying work, no rep. Yeah, I'm from fucking East Orange, New Jersey, nigga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all buds in that neighborhood and I used to hear that shit all the time, my dude. The problem is, your boy's just got too many fucking holes in his mouth, so I don't think the words is coming out right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know that's what he was saying. It's a very common phrase amongst the blood community. At least where I'm from. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it doesn't really matter because it's background noise, but I've definitely fallen asleep to American Psycho like 200 times. Oh, the movie? The movie, yea. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether I wanna laugh or cry, but you ready for this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, YG is the current representative of the Sulu Nation and he spells it Sulu. Oh, he does? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they must not be okay with all the gang-related references here, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, something that's interesting about this is that he's just talking to the people and then he comes and he goes right back into talking. He does? He doesn't clean up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup, and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I will say that I don't like the decor, the menu, or the people that work or dine there. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That place, what was that, I fucking had in, uh, Kansas City that Lundy took me. Yeah, the dick town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, yeaah, from Q, Q39 I think it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't fucking remember the name, the original, uh, Arthur Bryant's. They're like, come back here and wrap it up yourself!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, wrap it up here. She, the lady at art, the original Arthur Bryan's in Kansas city when I went there a few years ago and I was like, can I get this to go? She was like, yeah, there's, there's the paper and the tape like to wrap it up. And I was like, it's in the kitchen. And she's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, come wrap it up. So I was like, I'm supposed to go into the kitchen? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm serious. It's so hot over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn the heat off. Take your shirt off. I'm in a t-shirt. Turn the heat off. It's summertime. Turn the heat off. Whatcha gonna do for me? Come on man, let's try to have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like coleslaw, but there's a lot of different, like varieties of coleslaw, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I like potato salad. You don't like potato salad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like peas. But I also think that people who like peas should be sent away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I gotta meet some new people this week, but there's so much to get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too. Let's get into it. You ready? Yeah. Here goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I got a taste of the post shower, uh, flavors and I can see why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in a, uh, one of the venues and they have dressing rooms for everybody. And he was, I went on a run. I'm a very dedicated athlete and I went on a run. And then when I came back,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were going to give us a tour of the, there's an arena next door and they're like, we can give you, the same people own the building. So they're like, we can give you a tour. I was like, oh, let me see if he wants to go. So I knocked on his dressing room. I didn't hear anything. I opened and he, like a God, he opened his bathroom door and I saw like the steam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see, I could tell that like, to date him, I got a feeling of what it was like, you know? Like it's sensed that he's like, kinda dismissive, like Bobby and Trish, you know? Like he's like, yea, you're, whatever, fuck outta here, like that kinda energy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I turned into a chick, I was like, do you want to come see the arena? And he was like, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw everything, yeaah. And? It was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is it? I don't know. It's like asking, uh, where's that hair on that gorilla?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, yeah, well, he, he, we were on the bus and he sent, he, uh, he was like, check this out. He gives me his phone, I'm holding it, I'm like, what the fuck is this? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, it's an iPhone, and I'm like, from which year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know like when you, like a friend of yours has something and it just angers you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Like I held it and I was like, man I don't even know if I want to be friends with you, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, can you look at what I'm showing you? I'm like, yea, but I'm just holding this fucking phone. I hate it so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot my, and I know, I forgot my glasses today, and I'm already like, oh well. But anyway, yeah, so immediately when I held his phone, I was like, I'm getting you a phone next week. So, I got him a phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you want to, uh, yeah, everybody does. It's true. We are pretty gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's disgusting. You guys are touching your dog. At home I don't wash my hands after that. Oh my god. But I'm at work. That's standard guy behavior. I only wash my hands after I pee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like in a hotel or even at like their house and you know, he comes out, I'm like, did you just take a shit? Yeah. I'm like, are you going to wash your hands? He's like, what are you a chick? And I'm like, okay. I'm like, it's shit though. Like you, you shit and you wiped your ass. He's like, yeah, it's just a little bit of shit. I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please. And then I see him go like, shh, like that. He's like, okay. Like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also shit his pants when we were in Maine a few years ago. And took a shower, gets out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He picks up the pants, we're sharing a hotel, and he starts putting his leg through. I go, didn't you just shit yourself in those? And he's like, yeaah. And I go, don't you have another pair of pants? He goes, what I need another pair of pants for? Because you shittin' them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, they're fine. Holds them up, uuuh. I can see like this brown streak and I go, look. He goes, it's just a little bit of shit. And I go, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean for him I think it's a, it's a conditioning that took place over time. I think Vietnam is a big part, yea being a marine and like being around barbarians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, where it's like encouraged and they're like, if someone's like, did you wash your hands? They're like, get a load of this fucking girl. So no, I think, I think you're around that for years. Then you just, it just becomes your DNA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the thing, that's part of the victory. Because you got that girl to bang you and sleep over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a big shower. He is hygienic. You can't call him nasty dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of those guys, I mean those guys who like, you see it because what happens is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You so want, everybody's natural inclination is to probably, you know, unless you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You realize that they were told also, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also a generation of like, like where all the men went to war. You know what I mean? Like every man who is pretty much 60 and older, there's a huge probability that they were in a war. And wars are just the worst, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go back to this opening clip where this really chill broad is with her man. Imagine being one of the guys at the beginning of this clip, sitting there, like with your headphones in, just waiting for a flight to board. You're like, I just want to get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's one way of putting it. Yeah, that's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I would never do? If that's, if that's directly behind me, sit still like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean she did. That is her deal. I know, but she's, uh, not black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the new, non-gender specific way of saying Latino or Latina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but what's, what's of course the fascinating part about it is that Latin languages all function on a masculine and feminine term basis. Not anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't. Yeah. Only people who like, it's picked up in the United States by like people who are not speaking Spanish but are of Latin descent and they're like, we're Latinx. It means that we're like, it's just the non-gender specific way of saying from a Latin country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the language that you, the origin of that language is to make the distinction, is it a masculine or feminine term?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm not well versed enough to, uh, get into it, but it's just, it's just super silly. Yeah, it's silly. It's a very.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, I, I just want the studies, I wish we could leap ahead a hundred years to see, like when they're like, and then there was this, uh, very R worded period where people were saying stupid shit constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Been a big fan. I mean this lady was very cool. But the, a lot of people have been, uh, obviously up on the intro, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intro Wars, uhm, you know, we had the short intros, the long intros, the fucked up intros, uhm, and, uh, one of the listeners of our show happens to also play for a little known rock and roll outfit, and during his sound check, uh, can we get a taste of what he did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's really, uh, I'm sure if that audience had been there, they would be thrilled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got my, I got my, I got some words to say. I'll say, I'll walk up, see a girl on the street, I'll go, I'm meeting us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I have, uh, what is it, uh, kishket vishem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is our new segment we're going to call going tick for tock where we present tick tocks from each of our accounts and let you the viewer and listener decide who is a better tick tocker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, uh, I'm at Segura Tom, uhm, cause I'm a fucking piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's uhm, that's yours, but I mean, I know, on TikTok it's different, but that's still a really cool one you did though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's me doing Tommy. That's a big lane in TikToks is mouthing the recordings of something from like a movie or a special and 99% of the people that do it are off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blueband told me this is his favorite one that I did of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, this clip like makes me want to be a better man. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I just feel like, I like that it's Santa Claus, I like that he's doing something so outrageous, and, you know, I don't know, it just made me really happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it takes years, but you can just tell that he is seasoned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but also, the way that he's so comfortable is because he likes it. He's done it a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why are you into this so much? I don't know. When I first saw it, I laughed so hard and I was like, my main thing was I wanted to show it to you. Now I also want to make sure we put this in the bank for Drew and stuff. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it says Albert's Afternoon Party Part 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Joey Diaz in a wig is on, uh, the TLC show Smothered. This fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you click on the middle picture? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you zoom in? Is there any way you can zoom in on that? Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not good. It's hard to pull off. For this poor woman. I don't understand, women's here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it belongs in another era. Like, what should she do? Straighten it? Pull it back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what she looks like? Like a woman who's like one week into a rehab facility. You know, like where they're like, the drugs are just starting to leave my system, but obviously you see the effects of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. It's brutal, dude. Joey doesn't look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how basically we could convince anybody that that's a man that transitioned to a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, anybody would believe that. If you're like, oh yea, this is my uncle Dan, and uh, he just transitioned to be like, oh yea, I can see that. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. He would be a brutal woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I actually, I think a lot of watching that show makes, changes my mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I get so mad at how overbearing the mothers are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta tell you, it's kind of mind-blowing when you see how many of these superhero things, and I realize the reason they get made is because they sell a lot of tickets, people keep going to them, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, compared to just a great movie, great storytelling, it's just, it's all green screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, wow, I mean, I kind of, I don't know, it's kind of depressing. Yeah. Yeah, that they just, you know, there's a hundred, uh, being made every, every week. There's a new trailer for one and there's a new, another fucking superhero thing. You're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I mean this guy looks like he works at a fucking T-Mobile. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kirsten Dunst's tits could have their own fucking career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, people will immediately be like, well, you know how much money this movie made? And it's like, I get that. I mean, Justin Bieber, he's got a lot of money too. You know, it doesn't mean that I want to fucking celebrate that mediocre talent, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I mean, there's a lot of people that should be just excommunicated from filmmaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, I mean, but he's never, I mean, he's always been not a ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. I wonder how he does in real life. You think he, uh, I mean he's a celebrity, rich, famous. You think he crushes it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has a new girlfriend. Who's the new girlfriend? No, who's the girlfriend? Models? Uh, Gianna Santos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On tour too, so you can just plow and drive off. Yea, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure he's a nice person. Is she a model or something? Or is she like, uh, just a regular? She's pretty. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wikibio. There you go. Tells you what she does right there. What's it say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just put some of her ex's cum on a frying pan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's in the folder, I haven't seen it before. Where is this from? From you, you sent it to me to prep. I did? Yeaah. Oh, I never saw it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I knew that. Because I have not seen this. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're listening, this guy takes like the uncooked, you know, like the raw or the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot dog and goes and just sucks it down and then he can bring it right back out and he can also do it with multiple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you rather do? Try to do that or eat fried cum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. No problem. You upset? Yeaah. You took it out, you took your ears out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uh, we gotta get our shit together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, let's play that real quick. Before we go, before our break, this makes perfect sense. Fart Simpson did a call with his buddy and Fart has done amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the setup. He and his buddy call a guy who advertised on Craigslist that he has some, uh, Nazi memorabilia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they talk to him and then they get their grandfather on the phone who is played by none other than the audio collection that we've, we've compiled from RPC Robert Paul Champagne show. But the, just the conversation with this guy, it's, it's really fantastic. Uh, let's go ahead and play that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, Fart Simpson and Jake Silberman, uh, obviously aided by some RPC recordings, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because with me today is not exaggerating my very first crush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. You're smokin'. Thank you. Now, I used to think, I remember like when I, like I used to watch Who's the Boss? I would get upset when like Tony Danza would walk up to me, get the fuck out of here, I wanna see you listen. But when, I used to think that when I was a kid, I don't know if you ever had this, I used to think if you learned the person's name, that you had like a shot with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was like, cause I would be like, I don't know, five or six, and be like, what is her name? And then if I found out your name, I was like, alright, I probably can connect with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then what would happen, yeaah, and then you could tell other people, like, if they were like, oh, you know, who do you like? You're like, it's a girl named Alyssa, don't worry about it. And I would think that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking to Alyssa later today. And now I am talking to Alyssa. So it only took 35 years. But here we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never give up. And first of all, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a lot of, uh, we were talking about parenting just a moment ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there's a lot of, like, you starred in showbiz so young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, it's one of the big, like, a lot of people have, like, knocked that. They'll be like, don't fucking throw your kid into show business. But I've heard you say that, like, you know, you had a great childhood and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be weird, like so, it's gotta be, fame is such a weird experience and a weird thing to be, to, you know what I mean, to go through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think skyrocketing to fame is no matter your age, like if you just get something, like one thing that makes you unbelievably famous, no one's prepared for that and nobody adjusts usually perfectly to that, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Incremental, I don't know, but it was for you, it would have been like, just out of nowhere, right? Because it would have been-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel, did you feel like ready for it when it happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, I mean that's just, it feels like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You imagine, as an adult, I imagine, like, to me, I would think that it'd be a really, like, I think about now with those, with Stranger Things, you know? Yea. I'm like, damn, like, these kids got so famous as teens, and then you went through,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something very similar, uhm, even younger I think, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that's the also the same point, like uhm, now it's different because weed is like basically legal. Right. There used to be always this thing that like, if you do weed man, you're gonna end up, you're gonna end up a fucking mess, right? Right. And the thing was, some people did,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think they would have ended up a mess regardless. It wasn't like pot fucking ruin their life. It was like they're fucking gonna fuck up their life anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, now you feel, now you feel mean. But like he, he fucked, he was fucked up for a while. And then he's not, Macaulay Culkin, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's great. Did you ever imagine, like, so I did a little refresher, but like, did you imagine that you would be as involved?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was about AIDS, HIV, was it, what's his name? Ryan White.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, for people that don't know, that shit was massive. It was also, there's four channels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now here, before, I gotta ask you, because it's, it's, it's impressive that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because at the time everybody is, even adults are feeding us this misinformation that as a kid you don't know is misinformation. When I'm in seventh grade or whatever, they're like, you know, you can shake hands with someone and then you got AIDS and you're like, what the fuck? Like there's people telling you like, don't share cups and you know, I remember even famous,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sharon Stone did an interview back, I remember it was, she had done a movie with like Rock Hudson, she was like, I fucking might have AIDS. Like we kissed. And so, but this is also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without, you know, it's not like today where you know all this information. So how are you so well informed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they know that you were going to do, like when you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did the Phil Donahue show know that this was coming? Yes. Okay, so you're like, this is gonna happen. Yes. Okay. And then it must have been, cause I don't recall it, but was that like a huge thing? It was a pretty big thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, that moment changed for you and you're like, I'm definitely going to be involved in things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is another, this is an audio drop from uh, here it is. Towels could have AIDS. Towels could have AIDS. You know where that's from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2015. That's uh, Pat Robertson from the 700 Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, yep. Tells his audience every day. You get it from towels when you're drying off in the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody could have had AIDS, used that towel, then you're using the towel, now you got AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's always good to get good information from reliable sources. Uhm, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so recently, you were a hot topic man, you got all kinds of like, it was actually probably very effective in the sense that it just became such a polarizing thing when you brought up the sex strike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for people that don't know though, just like for the sake of the conversation, uhm, recently several governors have gotten behind these new proposed abortion laws that would make it not only more difficult


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get abortions like early on in a pregnancy but also that would punish severely


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Providers. Providers and the women who did it even in cases, like this is explicit, of rape and incest. Which that was really one of the big, uh, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this way, don't have sex until this is basically resolved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw that, uhm, our dear leader, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tweeted that he's actually mad at some of the Fox News people now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's mad at the weekend anchors. He said they're even worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that's like your, those are your dogs right there. Yep. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're mad at them. You can't be mad at them. This lady also, I don't know if you've ever seen her, I forget her name. Do you remember her name? Sharzad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharzad. She went on a, well, she went on a strike of her own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you like her? I do. Do you want to see some of your most vocal detractors just give you a chance? Like these are like some of the most articulate, sophisticated men who are, uh, not on your side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, pause. That is not Nick Kroll in makeup for one of the cavemen ads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, you know, he's just a smart guy who wants to meet a smart lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See actually, I think he's mad because uhm, well, a lot of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he worked on 7th Heaven, he was on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, show me another one though. Show her like a cool guy. Not such an upset guy, you know what I mean? That guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that guy was so mad, I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, who do you, oh. Oh yeah! Here's a possible...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this guy has a much different approach. Okay. Okay, so, last guy was super aggro. Right. This guy, by the way, he's watching MSNBC. He's a, you know, he's a progressive guy, but he just has a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you said titties. No, he wants some titties. I'd like to have some nucky on my lips. I would like some titties. And he's being, he's like, I'm honest and sincere and I'm asking for a friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point. And I would say it might not work for everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a, it's a good way to maybe make it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why. Uhm, yeaah, I mean, there's a lot of- I need more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting men out there. Uhm, we all have a different approach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Robert Paul Champagne, aka The Try It Out Guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's also, he's offering free food, free rent. You get a lease and a key. All you gotta do is show up and fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just, it's just sitting back there. So you wanted something fascinating though? Like truly fascinating to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found this video that you're watching right now, like two years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like saw it and we're like, this guy's out of his mind and you know, played it, had fun with it, assumed that we would never ever learn anything else about it. It just feels like it's one of those things that are shot in the dark room. Dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two years later, we found him and we just sent one of our guys, Joshua, you met to his apartment and we did a, like a 30 minute interview with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a real dude and he's not, this is not an exaggeration of his lifestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is a fart mic. If you have to fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never fart? Because of a great diet? I believe it, I'm just asking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you all out of cool guys? Are you like, I am good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's just good for you. You have a husband if you want to maybe try something to enhance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are an astute observer. Do you know who actually leads with that when analyzing and assessing these videos when we bring them on? Is Dr. Drew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dr. Drew's first thing he's like, let's look at this very, very destructive and uh, uninviting environment. And he actually leads a lot of his assessments with the environment. It's not the Four Seasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say you are spot on in judging these guys. You should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, take them and just go right up to that line of pre-coma. This is how you enhance the sexual experience. I mean, who knew? Take them tonight, see what happens. But then you smoke your marijuana, you'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'll tell you this. Dr. Drew said he's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hardcore fun for sure, but it's not advisable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he ended up making more videos that we played, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really blew up. I mean it, you know, it is like one of the defining


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, mo- like, things of the last two years, for sure. Like, it- it shifted-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there's, I mean, it seems like it's begun, well, well, you know, we obviously saw some high profile people get, in some cases, called out, in some cases, reprimanded, in some cases, arrested, and, you know, charged, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was one recently, right? A lady came out recently, I'm sorry I don't know her name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her name. He's like, I never met her. And then there's like a photo of them at a party, like talking to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but, but it doesn't seem to like, uh, it, it, it's, I mean, I know that, you know, there's certain things like when you're president, like, you know, there's basically,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of reminded me of uhm, when you're, when you're in high school and somebody runs for like class president, the way, the way that like most people, like what you'll see happen, I remember talking to people about this in different, like with different high schools, was like the more grand and popular and kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy and funny. You can make your speech. Everybody goes like, that's the guy. Now there's low stakes in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, but you end up going like, oh, it's like, just kind of steal the limelight and you'll win. And it like basically,


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[Assistant] He understands all that. It's actually a skill set. It's a skill set to understand, like, this is how you get people to keep talking about you, this is how you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, deflect something bad about you. He, he does understand how to, how to like orchestrate that. And yeah, I mean, it's funny because media is all, is definitely complicit in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Giving attention or in deflecting attention from things that they could either focus on or dismiss. Like, and a lot of times they're doing the opposite. They're giving attention to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you paying attention to this? Or they're just like having like a little scroll ticker about something that you're like, that should be like your lead story, right? I mean, yeaah, they're, they're definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did do that and like he, you know, look, he went into it with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever you want to call it, but it's some type of plan, some type of, you know, agenda that he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, like, what he ended up doing was not, I don't think it's all a happy accident for him. I think that he's like, we're sticking to this. And what I'm saying is that that worked. Whatever he did worked. He won, right?


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[Assistant] And I don't know that like, I don't feel like, I saw a lot of people kind of go like, this is definitely, you know, he'll definitely be defeated in this next one, there's no chance. I am terrified. I don't think that that's the case.


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[Assistant] And I almost would likely say this, but like, it is a fascinating show to watch. Like the theater of, of the debates, the elections.


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[Assistant] Because people align themselves with what they want to hear. Everybody who's like,


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[Assistant] It's like, you know, I do think that it's crazy when somebody watches either one of the


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[Assistant] Yeah, and, and you're telling yourself that's the news. I feel like the last, I don't even know if they're still on, this is how much I'm removed from it, but like, PBS would do the, the News Hour, Jim Lehrer used to host it, I don't know who it is now. That was like the, the one of the last


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nightly news. Yes, nightly news kind of things where it's like, here is the report, right? Like here's, here's what happened today. Now it is on.


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[Assistant] I feel like 10 years ago, I remember that, I feel like CNN, definitely 20 years ago would be like, here's just news, like objective news. And then I remember even like, like a decade or so ago, seeing, watching that and being like, this dude just like totally dropped his personal opinion in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it, it felt wrong. I was like, why, why is he like, like he commented on it and kind of like rolled his eyes at something. And I was like,


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[Assistant] That's CNN. I mean now everybody- Now that's normal. That's normal. Right? But I think it's, it's, like we grew up on Tom Brokaw. That's right. You know, and Tom Brokaw, like some people don't even know, he is a really liberal guy. You would never know that watching NBC Nightly News. Never. He would just deliver the news. So how do we get back?


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[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I show you guys, fucking, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, basically, yea, basically these guys are as, I mean, look at him. Look, what's he, what's, I haven't even seen this one actually. I don't know what this is. Who's this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I will say this, a lot of women ignore the nipple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know something crazy? So one of my friends, I won't sell him out, but this is kind of fascinating to me. Just like how- Why did you show that to him? I don't know. Elissa was like, what do you got? So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my friends dated a girl for five years recently. They broke up. He told me every time, every time they hooked up, she would like obsess on his nipples.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, oh, did you, so like, do you like that? He's like, no.


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[Assistant] So like yeaah, but I mean like, I love, I do actually, I love


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[Assistant] I love hanging out with, I love artists. So for me, I love hanging out with, you know, an actor who doesn't take themselves too seriously as an actor. But like, I just love being around, you know, whether it's a writer. Creative minds and how they think. It's fun to be, it's good energy, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we do like, especially when we put specials out, you gotta go on these press stores and be like, tell us about this new hour. You're like, it's a bunch of jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fucks around in like basically every interview, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, which is really fun. You can tell he's fucking around. I also heard that uhm, cause I was curious about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so harsh. That's so thirsty. For, you know, real actors, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have, so do you have that? Do you feel comfortable? Like I remember doing, I did a movie last year where like I wanted to say something, not because I'm like, I got this figured out, but I was like, I would like, and I felt very, you know, hesitant to ask. It depends on the situation. It does.


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[Assistant] Joey Diaz did a movie with De Niro and he told me that like the first, one of the first moments like on set, so he's meeting him.


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[Assistant] That he's, like Joey's in a seat, and he's supposed to be reading a paper, and he looks up, and so they're just like blocking it, going through it, and he says that as he looks up at him, the first time, like they're not about to roll yet, De Niro just goes, it's okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, is it about uhm, so I, I didn't play this because you were-


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[Assistant] How much of it do you digest? You know what I mean? Yeah, how do you deal with the backlash? You dumb fucking bi- you know what I mean? There's a lot of people out there sending you, I'm sure, hateful shit.


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[Assistant] Do you ever feel like you're like this outspoken activist that one day you might end up going too far as this person and end up like this lady on the screen?


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[Assistant] I feel like we made fun of enough men. It is time to highlight some superstar women.


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[Assistant] I am in bed with this woman to my left at night.


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[Assistant] That would be historic speeches. I would like to see you in this. Maybe some makeup and some vape and smoke. Doing something really off the wall.


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[Assistant] Oh, I just realized I've been waiting, uh, 15 years to tell you there's a guy who used to be called the joke machine. I would see him at like open mics and stuff. His, his, his like one of his signature. I don't know if he's still out there. I haven't seen him in years. The joke machine would go, so.


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[Assistant] It's weird, it's interesting when you hear the stories about who he was, like, maybe he knew the certain people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing. Same thing. Uh, you can follow her on her widely successful popular platforms on Twitter or Instagram.


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[Assistant] Maybe if you could let us finish a podcast in time, we will.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would look for that one. It's pretty great.


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[Assistant] And then Potter says he bit the head off a dove as well.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like, look, would I do it for a thousand? No. Would I do it for close to a thousand? Probably. Like, like I think, like...


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[Assistant] Nah, I think you just sent me the compilation that I found this on.


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[Assistant] This is just different. Is it blood? Just watch. It's scat. Stop. Okay. God. Just stop. What? Just stop and watch.


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[Assistant] I was, I was directing a new Pete Davidson movie. Well there isn't another one. Right.


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[Assistant] What does he, what does he play in the movie?


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[Assistant] He plays a fireman who is dating Pete's mom. This is when Bill was rocking the mustache for a while. Yes, cause he's a fireman and a lot of the firemen wear mustaches. So Bill for many months had to wear a mustache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he fit in. The firemen just took to him. They loved him. Because we had a lot of the firemen in the movie.


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[Assistant] And he's clean shaven, which I think is also part of the effect.


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[Assistant] See, that just, I don't know, you just changed that for me. Every time I see him, I'm like, are you still in high school or something, man? Because when we were working on Trainwreck, before we shot, Amy Schumer was like, you have to meet this kid. It's so weird that he's 19 years old. Yeah. And it's so funny. Yeah, it is. And, you know, we threw him a line or two in the movie. And for me, sometimes I think,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be fun to put Pete in the movie for a line or two, because if he does become a gigantic, uh, world, uh, famous comedian, I look so cool for having notice. Yes. It's like Richard Dreyfuss in The Graduate. Yeah, yeah. Uh, and then we started, you know, kicking around the idea of what would a Pete movie look like. That's cool, man. And now, uh, five years later, here we are.


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[Assistant] Oh man, I would be in the bathroom at Governor's on Long Island before every set just sick. Yeaah. I was so, well, I also was terrible. So I knew it was gonna go bad. Yeaah. It wasn't like, this might go well. No, this is gonna go very badly. I'm just gonna walk into a buzz all right now.


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[Assistant] Well, I think that, uh, you know, obviously stand up has been the thing I love more than anything since I was a kid. I just was drawn away from it just by other work and also, you know, by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff together, and then like, here's a check? Yea, and sometimes, you know, George Wallace is like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wrote him a bunch of jokes. Me and my friend Joel Madison wrote some jokes for Jeff Dunham's new old man puppet. And so that was the beginning of just paying my rent. Right. And then it just turned into...


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[Assistant] Writing for Tom Arnold, which led to writing for Roseanne.


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[Assistant] So I'd go to her house on Sunday and she'd be like in her bathroom and we'd sit at her kitchen table and write jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never got on anyone's show. Like I would write sketches for In Living Color with Jim Carrey. What? And then he would get me the meeting to meet with Keenan to be on staff.


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[Assistant] Uh, experience, like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just like watching Ben.


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[Assistant] He was the best sketch writer in the world. Yeah, yeah. But you know, I had done some HBO specials with people. I hadn't run an ongoing concern. And, uh, and then I just didn't have time to do stand-up because the Ben Stiller show was just all consuming.


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[Assistant] Yes, because I knew what I did is I wrote an episode of The Simpsons, and I wrote an episode of Get a Life, and that was my samples. So they didn't ask for it, that's how you would try to get a job on staff. And so it was the first season of The Simpsons, and I wrote an episode, and I didn't get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything. I got one meeting. So say there's 50 shows on TV. I got one meeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I only got that meeting, I think it was Shanling made them meet with me. Really? Uh, and then we did the Ben Stiller show. Then when that ended, Gary was doing Larry Sanders and he said, do you wanna?


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[Assistant] Yes, yeaah. And, uh, so, and then I'm like, I guess the world wants me to write because I'm getting paid all this money to write. Yeaah. And, or I could middle in Tempe for the improv. Yeaah. Which also pays great. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] No, I stopped. I just totally stopped.


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[Assistant] Sure. And I always wanted to do it so when I would have movies come out, I was...


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[Assistant] Amy was doing tons of stand-up and I honestly just got jealous.


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[Assistant] Because it won't go well. But just as a joke for Amy, I'm gonna go throw something together to make you laugh. And I didn't know that.


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[Assistant] No one's ever said that to me in my whole life. I mean, how many years I begged Bud Freeman to give me a spot. No one's ever made it easy. And so I just took advantage of it.


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[Assistant] I generally just try to think of it as I'm just being honest about


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[Assistant] Take the brunt of it because it goes so terribly wrong. Yeah. But every time I do it, someone's just like, Oh, Judd with this meeting Beyonce story.


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[Assistant] That was later. I found a, it was a great way to embezzle money from USC. Which is, I realized that I could book the comedy shows at USC, even though I wasn't really a comedian, I'd done it like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So host a show and so one show was, uh, Wayne and Kevin Nealon.


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[Assistant] And people are watching it happen. And so Wayne shows up and he's like, I guess we're doing this. And it's a 1200 seat theater, Bovard at USC. Nobody shows up. There's, I mean, maybe like a hundred people showed up. And so Kevin Nealon arrives.


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[Assistant] And he's like, Hey, how's it going? It is Kevin mode. I'm like, Hey man, I'm sorry about, uh,


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[Assistant] You know, the crowd size because, uh, cause what happened and he's like,


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[Assistant] There's no Bruce baby man balm breaking into the industry. And I always talk about this. I love that there was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's so funny. But back then, I mean, when you used to see Goldfoy in the late 80s, there was a comedy club called Igbeys, which is now a strip club on Pico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Creative choices. Sure. So yea, I miss that too. Is anyone doing that? Have you encountered that on the road?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Gallagher 2. Yea, like Gallagher 2 kinda shit. I love the conflict between Gallagher and Gallagher 2. Because Gallagher 2 was only allowed to play smaller markets and he was doing well and then suddenly he went into one of the bigger markets and Gallagher shut him down and then suddenly there was war between the Gallagher's. Yea, and there was like a fruit shortage.


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[Assistant] Right there. Uh, the pharmaceutical industry is out of control. Totally. And he's found his own way to deal with it. It's like the CDB oil. Right. Except meth. Except meth. And it works.


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[Assistant] Some people react to things differently than other people.


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[Assistant] That is an excellent point. And let me say something that maybe you don't intend.


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[Assistant] I've cast guys who've worked so hard to get to that, as actors, who are trying to capture that. So why not go to the source? Because he's so natural, like he has such a natural... He's a character. I mean, if we got to know him, say that he had a little come down from the math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy would have some stories. He would have some stories. He might be an incredible guy who struggled and he's ready for his moment. Wow. I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I...


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[Assistant] I think every person in the world could carry their own movie.


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[Assistant] And be fascinated. That's really interesting. Like that guy sobering up.


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[Assistant] What's your first- My first thought is, he looks more like Rogan than I expected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I did. And then every once in a while, you know, I'll just test it to see, you know, do I still have that response? And then I just have a night from hell. I went to Seth Rogan's wedding, right? And so Seth gives out joints to everyone at the Friday dinner, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess it's, it's very light, not powerful, marijuana. Now I don't really smoke marijuana, so I thought, uh,


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[Assistant] Someone's smoking a joint and I'm like, what's that? Like, oh yeah, you know Seth Spot. And I take one hit. And it, so now this is what Seth smokes. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows, we could have PCP in it. I don't know what the kids do these days.


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[Assistant] My guess is that if you had sex with him, it would last too long.


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[Assistant] Yeah, at some point you'd be like, this is lasting too long. Yeah.


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[Assistant] There's nothing funnier than Jackass. I watched it with my kids a few years ago. I don't think we've ever enjoyed each other's company or an experience more than watching Jackass, but that is where my brain always goes. And it would be funny to wonder if I never found out if he's okay, could I ever enjoy it? Yeah, I could, but I understand the question.


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[Assistant] This is how America lives. Oh, there's more to it. He's checking on him. Okay.


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[Assistant] He's getting up. He's fine. Yea, he's alright. I know I'm getting older because, you know, I'm 51 and lately I have a fair amount of friends who are falling downstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't had a big fall, but I have one fall story, which is my daughter's like, do you want to come with me to my friend's house? They, uh, this dog had puppies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I go over there. It's not like a normal dog. It's like some gardener's mangy, scary looking dog. And there's like three or four puppies running around it.


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[Assistant] And I lean over and the mangy dog's like, and, uh, and I back up. I sense this is one of those dogs will kill you for going near their puppies situations. But then a few moments later, there was a puppy on the other side of the dog and I just leaned in to pet it or something. And this tiny dog, but a very angry dog,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when you fall so hard that people go, are you okay? Are you, are you okay? And you're laying there and you're like,


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[Assistant] Spongebob Squarepants like ice pack on my thumb and I'm like just whining like a little third grader and I have this little tiny tear in my pants and I'm like holding my thumb but now I'm scared of dogs because it was a tiny dog and it went hard. How small was the dog? It was like a... Really? And it lunched for you? It did lunch for me and then the gardener shows up


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[Assistant] Can I say the weird part? Yeah. Hilarious. Hilarious. Let's break it down. Why is it hilarious? Yes. Yeah. It seems of an abuse of a woman's set up. Sure. Or at the very least, time to back off. Right.


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[Assistant] Uh, and then because I saw the broken leg, I feel like it'll heal.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I mean I was so scared making it because you really feel like if this doesn't go well, there will not be a second movie. Yeaah. So your first movie is a very intense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in disbelief, because they would just say,


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[Assistant] All right. After Will says this line, say whatever you want. And then McKay would just go, say something else, say something else. And sometimes you would feed him a line, you know, you know, uh,


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[Assistant] I ate a candle or something like that. But Steve could do it without pitching him anything. And it was truly remarkable. So I knew he would be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the fact that there's chemistry and that the story works, uh,


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[Assistant] I just, I'm putting out this book about Gary Shandling. You can pre-order. It's Gary Shandling's book. But one thing I put in it was Gary's note on the script. So Gary. So you write the script and you send it to him. I send it to Gary. We do a table read and I, and it's, he said, uh, you know, Judd, the movie is about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the sex is better when you're in love. So all his friends are not in love and they've all these weird, creepy relationships, but he is in love. So when the movie ends and he has sex, you have to be very clear that the sex is better than all the friends sex. And that was the big issue is how do you, how do you show sex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it wasn't the kind of movie where we were really showing graphic sex. That's why he sings a song at the end. Because we were trying to figure out how to do Gary's


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[Assistant] You know Seth, in addition to acting in it, was one of the producers in helping us rewrite it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She went out with her friends and Seth. Seth brought a video camera and they went and got Leslie drunk at a club and videotaped Leslie just having a party night. And then Leslie watched herself like what she does.


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[Assistant] I'm a nice guy. I'm super nice. I'm a nice guy. You are a nice guy. I always spiral out after drinking and talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a real issue lately and I'm, I'm, I don't know how to deal with it, which is I just have conversational shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll just go home, whether I'm drunk or not drunk, I'll just start running every stupid thing I said. Me too, it's the worst. And just go, and some nights,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the one you think of like when you think of your worst text mistake where you did screw up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that was embarrassing to me. I noticed that with premieres. So yeaah. I direct a movie and I would find out which friends will show up. Yeaah. And then you have four or five premieres like, wow, that guy never comes. Yeaah. He really does not want to come show support. Do they not want to come to your premieres though? That feels like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I now don't go to anyone's anything. I just decided there were things that I used to think were important and now I'm on their side. Like, I'm gonna go to the premiere, see you, shake your hand, you're gonna go talk to a thousand people, and why am I here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've also stopped giving birthday presents. I went a couple of years where I really tracked everyone's birthday and I thought, I'm gonna be the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that like sends you a bottle of wine. I'm like the thoughtful guy. And then my birthday happened for a year or two and no one reciprocated. Not one person that I sent something to reciprocated. So I said, from now on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, years ago, uh, I don't know if someone sent it to me and gave me the idea, but I realized that you can go online and send somebody Omaha steaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I watched Hugh Jackman on the show the Sunday before the interview, and he's ballin' like a little girl. And it's, you know, it's beautiful when people can do that. I'm a, as a watcher, I love it, and I think it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a watcher, like, I love when people are willing to share that. So I wouldn't feel bad about it. But it made me very self-conscious having just watched Hugh Jackman cry like, this is what Anderson wants from me. And I just got resisted like, I'm not giving you this. And the piece wasn't as good.


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[Assistant] Because I'm just like weird nerdy Judd, like I didn't, I didn't open up in a way that made it significant in any way. So I say bravo to you. You're blubbering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I let someone follow the entire shoot of Knocked Up.


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[Assistant] And so, you know, when you're young, you don't know not to do that. So there's a guy literally on the set, like half the days we're shooting, and he wrote this long article about it. And it ends with me tearing up in the article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I showed the article to my wife and, you know, there's a lot of emotional things. It came across much darker than I thought I was behaving during the shoot. And I think it was because the guy was projecting some of his stuff onto me, honestly. The writer. And I showed it to my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great though. Well, I'm glad it exists, but that's probably the last time I was willing to, it was the last day, the last interview and I just started welling up in front of the guy. I didn't see it coming. That's the thing when you don't see it coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to have a family like that. Yeah, me too. But the only thing that makes you not want to have a family like that, that I refuse to go. Right, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, I knew it was a special time for them. They like going to England and the culture and I think they just like got a hotel with a good view and mainly sat in a hotel watching them drive by. But then for the last wedding, which I guess was Harry, we all stayed up all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've, and we're in full support of Megan Markle. I just want you guys to know, I'm on her side. I think people are not being cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember Shanling used to have a joke about that, about, that he said, uh, what do you do? And she said, I'm not pregnant. And he goes, oh, I know. I just, you're glowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is an amazing special, I mean he just wrote a hilarious hour about his depression. He's such a good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It weaves in and out, but like. He has a great kids on milk cartons bit that is remarkably dark and funny. So yeaah, he drifts in and out of it, but it's the container that holds the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never ever said like, how you doing with all this? They never sent me to anyone that even really checked in on me emotionally, like.


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[Assistant] It's a little easier for kids because that talk might happen in some form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think in some, on some level you think, uh,


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[Assistant] Why don't they take care of me better? Why don't why don't they care enough about me to take care of me in the proper way? But it was just an era where they didn't know how to do that.


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[Assistant] In the 70s, parents thought it was okay to scream at each other in front of their children. Right. I mean, now that's the one thing, you know, if we're going to fight, we're going to go somewhere else into the, uh, the soundproof room. But back then they would just brawl and you, you were like,


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[Assistant] You know, on the other side of the wall you'd hear every word they were screaming about. And it was, it was crazy.


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[Assistant] I just didn't want chaos. I thought, there's so much chaos. I think if I start trying to work really young,


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[Assistant] I can build a stable life where I won't have these problems, these financial problems. So I'm just gonna start early.


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[Assistant] And take care of myself, like I don't think they're taking great care of me. I guess I got to do it myself and I guess I got to figure out what the job is that will allow for it. So that's probably why I'm a producer, but it's also really unhealthy for a child to be thinking of work at 13, 14 years old.


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[Assistant] Being very vigilant has taken a long time.


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[Assistant] That's a lot. You know those videos that you just showed? Yea. That's a little tasteful.


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[Assistant] But then you can't get rid of it because you use that anxiety at work all day and you get home and you're not supposed to be anxious in front of your kids or hypervigilant like that. And then you're just like, or you're just scared for them. You know, I noticed that.


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[Assistant] Safety things, you become super aware of safety things.


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[Assistant] Like I'm all just like, when you take Uber, take the SUV. Because the Uber share, that's where you get, you get killed. With the SUV. Okay, just get the, like you have a thousand of those. Right. Little things of safety. Yes.


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[Assistant] I remember, I said this to my daughter and she told me that she remembered it and it had a big effect on her and I was shocked that she remembered any advice I had ever given her. But I said that in this Michael G. Fox book, he said there's no reason to worry


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[Assistant] About like things that haven't happened yet. Because if they happen to happen, then the only thing you've done is suffered through it twice. Oh god, right. And out of the blue, my daughter said to me last year, I always remember that Michael J. Fox.


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[Assistant] Uh, June 19th. Wow. Is the Pete movie. Alright. And uh, summer. And it's gonna be fun. And Bill Burr is so funny in it. It's really exciting.


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[Assistant] You know, to see Bill in a big part in a movie where he gets to be emotional and real, but super funny. Also that was exciting and they have great chemistry together. They're just a funny pair. Yeah, that's great, man.


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[Assistant] I just want to, I only want to look at the guy in red, his entrance, just to see, because you know, like sometimes one of my kids will get hurt and the other one, how she walks over. Makes it, yes. You know, sometimes they run away because they get afraid of the injury. Yeah. And so I just want to see what his level of concern is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you think there's a gotta be pink eye in there somewhere. There's something. What is that part?


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[Assistant] So you, so you, you have sex with the contraption. Right. And your friend does at the same time. Exactly.


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[Assistant] They said, they said, you know, that, you know, we were going to have a thousand channel universe when, when I was younger and now we have whatever, millions of channel universe and now we know about a lot of people and their behavior and we can see it in ways we never


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just, that's never like, I never feel the need for any of that.


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[Assistant] He's putting something up his butthole, but not in a charismatic way.


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[Assistant] There's a muted aspect to his personality. That's why he probably has to use the contraptions, uh, that I have no way in. Although he's putting things in him, I have no way into him.


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[Assistant] Uh, because we just watched a bunch of talk shows he was on. We're like, Oh, if we can get him in that vibe. It'd be great. It'd be great. And so a lot of times.


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[Assistant] I don't think, is there a great performance that shows their acting I think?


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[Assistant] What is their vibe? What's their spirit? So you know, seeing Amy Schumer on a talk show might.


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[Assistant] Yes, I feel like there's another version of him, which is more like what he was like on the Netflix show. He seemed a little more comfortable.


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[Assistant] I mean, this is all so weird that a lot of what the 40 Old Virgin probably was about is just a guy being uncomfortable with this.


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[Assistant] The things that we do to be sexual, how we express ourselves, can get so weird. Yes. And, uh, and for me, I just get creeped out and uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] I'm confident. But what is this? Because if the 40 year old virgin ended with him having sex with Katherine Keener, he's like, I knew I'd make it go boom. Like it's a different movie.


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[Assistant] That's just how we look. But that's also a little terrifying, right? That's like, is that like an incel type of thing? Or, how did you get this? Who's sending this in? Some nice fan. Sent it in. But you know what? He's lonely. He is lonely. So when I look at this, I think. You feel badly for him? I hope he, I hope he's treating people well.


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[Assistant] I think he actually will do a good job. I think he'll be satisfied. I think he'll make you breakfast in the morning. I'm all in. He's great. Guess what?


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[Assistant] I'll send you links, dude. Okay, please send me links. There's no, now I'll say this, I don't know why, but I was with Michael Cera in New York and he's like, was talking about how there's all these videos online that are called public meltdowns or public freak outs. And they're just strings of


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[Assistant] No, I haven't watched any yet, but since he said it, I'm like, I need to get in a good emotional place to watch.


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[Assistant] I did that for concert, like, like music concerts though before. Do you enjoy it? Uhm, I like the access and like hanging around like that environment, but comedically,


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[Assistant] Uhm, on the, it was great, the way it worked out, by chance, is probably the only way it could have worked out. The corn tour was, like, night time.


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[Assistant] Those were good because it was places that were manageable. It was called the Ballroom Blitz Tour. So they chose to do small venues. Okay. To go from that where some of these venues were a thousand people, 1200 people, which is very manageable to like the first amphitheater one was San Bernardino.


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[Assistant] And I was like, get out there, you're on the floor Rob Zombie. And like, the people are very excited for Rob Zombie. And they have no, they're like, did a fucking roadie just grab a microphone and start insulting my girlfriend?


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[Assistant] It's amazing also how many people don't, I couldn't do this with the music concerts, but Oddball, and I'm sure, uh, Brody did this too, cause he was hosting this stage for years before I did it too.


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[Assistant] And it's really like, it's what you make it. Like, the production itself doesn't have any vibe of like, let's make, it's just, here's all the shit we're offering, check it out if you want, go check out the small stage, and I would just be like,


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[Assistant] At 6pm or 5pm, whenever that small stage started, and I was hosting that for the local people, I was like, it's really not fair to just like, there's nothing really directing them to do it. So I'd spend like an hour on the microphone, like, telling people to come up, tell them that the main stage isn't open, and like kind of organizing that. And same with the main stage too, they want me to just


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[Assistant] Alright, walk out there and start talking to the people, you know, like, let them know you're the host, and it's like, there's gotta be some kind of like...


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[Assistant] Like intro to it. Let us know that the show has started. Oddball fell apart hard. Yeah. Cause it was by the way, funny enough.


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[Assistant] And you also need somebody, too, who it's worth it for them to do it on a tour like this. Right. Like if they can be responsible for 15,000 tickets, they can probably make a lot more money just doing it themselves. Themselves, yeaah. So you gotta guess that they might be part of it.


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[Assistant] I did Amy and Izzy's year and then, uh, Sebastian.


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[Assistant] I think the major problem too, not to interrupt you, but also is the Chappelle and Chris Rock word leaked.


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[Assistant] So people were, the world was getting ready for the Chris Rock Chappelle tour, big comedy fans were ready for a Rock Chappelle tour by what they've heard is basically definitely happening. Right. And then everybody pulled.


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[Assistant] Like, we're going bigger with this, we're going to do a bunch more cities. And then they thought they had like, you know, those names coming on.


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[Assistant] They had to kind of throw it to the wall with Sebastian, and man, I mean that exodus was wicked every night. Second to last. You would just see it happen. Second to last. You would just see ants marching, just like as soon as he says goodnight, like it's just a weird... They're like, show's over. No, there's one more. No, show's over.


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[Assistant] So he closed the two dates that he did.


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[Assistant] I guess I give myself more of a sweet spot. Yeaah. I go out there, the ovation was great, but then I sit down and start talking and you just see their faces like...