[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all want to make healthier decisions. We want to try and sleep better, eat better and live healthier lives, especially with summer coming up and beach season around the corner. But we don't always know how our body is feeling, how long to work out for, or how much sleep we need. Whoop is a fitness track that helps solve


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those questions with it's built in coaching features. Whoop provides personalized insight into how recovered your body is, how much stress you take on during the day, and in training lets you know how well you sleep. I love Whoop, uh, it's a great way to track


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no better time to give it a shot for my listeners. You can save 15% off a whoop with the code, your mom, go to whoop.com and use code your mom at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. Know yourself with personalized recovery, strain and sleep insights from whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, we're, Nadav and I are talking about his love of dealing with scammers. He likes to text them back and engage them. And, and you just said what to me? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what, what did this person do that prompted you to say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been, I've been gone for four days. You haven't been milked. This is the 72 hour theory I was telling you about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my stepdad used to do that. Start fights with people in parking lots over parking. Or a guy in a movie theater was talking too loud and my stepdad punched him out in the parking lot. Looks like history is repeating itself, huh? My mom was into cool guys. I'm into cool guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so good. There's nothing I love more than hacking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's so, babe, I mean, you're gonna fight, you know you're gonna end up getting into a fight. You need to join Cobra Kai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you, I mean, maybe not do this kind of stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet. What about children? Can Ellis and Julian have handguns too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night, he was like, if a bad guy comes in here, I'm going to... and he goes, mom, look at my legs, look how strong. And he goes, look at my arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, I wanna, what is it, have sex with Christine and take a shit on Tom. Tom's chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's be friends. Yeah. She was really open minded. I guess she really wanted to sell that cake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people have a bare diversity problem. Point of personal privilege. If you're gonna pick, write an article, write about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that flag she was wearing on her, I'm guessing is like, uh, that's definitely Eastern Blocky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's because this is a country where nothing exciting happens. So they're like, we're gonna release a bear on the mountain today, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like what I'm saying, when Eastern Europe would come out to see Michael Jackson long after his career had peaked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's who, that's who was seeing this stuff. They're so bored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, didn't you? Really? I don't think he was that popular in the US in the after the late 90s. Yes he was. When did he die?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in Eastern Europe you see them crying still and doing all that horse shit. No, his popularity waned in the US when he was going to the Eastern Bloc and they were like, Michael, Michael, they love you. Yes, trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's interesting that you have to have dinner before you fuck him in his cage. Like I think you'd wanna fuck the guy in the cage and then have dinner so you're not all full and bloated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree like when you and I go out for dinner, we like to eff first and then gorge ourselves. Otherwise you're not gonna have sex after you're super full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then have a nice meal. Plus you're more apt to listen to me after you've bagocked. Like you're more focused and you're not as full of rage, you're not threatening guys in the parking lot. You're just a lot nicer to be around after I milk you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it has like a plastic apparatus. I get in between my crown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sprinkle it onto my car seat and car, carpeting. You don't flick it out the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not okay, but the times I've seen it, it's been really gross. Okay. So I don't know how, what I'm doing. So we're talking about nose picking, nose picking. Yours is way grosser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of humanity should be flossing and they're not, that's not my problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that what I'm doing is grosser than how Burt cuts his nails, his toenails, and then he puts scotch tape on them, and then he takes them under?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started using these flossers after I had a negative


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's something I do at the end of my day, I relax, I'm in my jams, I'm super comfy, and I just boop boop boop, I get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just tired and lazy and I don't want to get up, walk around the bed, walk all the way to the trash can and put them in the bathroom. I just don't. I like how you make it sound like a journey. It's like a mile long, I don't want to go, I'm just tired and lazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I do, and then I just collect a few days, and I'm like, okay, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll put the- I'll put the sticks on the tissue, but I don't want a fucking dumb trashcan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, you never walk in my dental stick alley. Doesn't matter. You never walk on that side of the carpet. You're never there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never chastised you and stopped you from doing that. How is this different? That was an area we both shared and I had to brush my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How am I, listen, you're talking about, first of all, Yana, allow me to clarify my argument. Now hold on. We're talking about an area of the room that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and I shared a space in which you would put your disgusting pubed beards, shaving, trimmings,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's okay. I'm in a space that you don't see, come near, touch any of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's see what they say. You know they're gonna fucking chime in on this debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know the mommy's listening or on my side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but let me ask this one, Yana. Listeners, mommies, what's more disgusting? Tim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rolling boogers and flicking them in my car. It is not your car. It's my car. Or me dropping a used dental stick. Big fucking deal. They're both unhygienic and disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And both, that is my space you're rolling your boogers in. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll see. There's a lot of pigs who listen to this show just like me. A lot of animals out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My goodness, the other day I was talking to somebody who has a merch business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, you've got to use Squarespace. It is the absolute


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the easiest place to put together a website to showcase whatever it is you're into. Maybe you've got a business online, you want to sell t-shirts, you can put in a way for people to buy your goods, you can do a shopping cart there, and it's so easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, make a blog. Publish photos of your kid. Make a website for your upcoming, uhm, event. Maybe you've got a wedding coming up. The templates are created by world class designers so you can't go wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Powerful e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything online. You can customize the look and the feel. Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box. 24-7 award-winning customer support and there is nothing to patch or upgrade ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So check it out. Try squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I do say that I try my best to maintain for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about this, I'll stop flossing if you, uhm, cancel those doctor's appointments. I don't wanna go get, I don't wanna go do like a bunch of stuff to my body, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, thanks for sharing that neat clip, but is that your mentor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, tanning, that tanning will get ya, and smoking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you, the one thing that saved my skin was being goth for so many years. I mean, that took me out of the sun for like, twelve years at least. Good. My teenage years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you know people too, I knew girl, I knew a couple girls in high school and college who at 20 or even at like 17 already looked old. Like sometimes they just, people are more prone to wrinkling or they're very thin and they have no fat in their face. Like some people just look old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you look at Coming to America 2, which we started the other night, the cast hasn't aged. You're like, dude, everybody looks amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy's new on the talk, he's just figured out how to do talks, and now he's really into the ladies, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How great was that one? That was a great time. You're welcome. It's a guy doing the splits in a Walmart bathroom. Very slowly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the pukiest. It's like, it's the way a guy tries to get laid by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, but why isn't it hot? Like, let's talk about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, here's the deal, man. In reality, I love it. Like when you do nice things for me, like you get my car detailed, you take out the trash without, and I see you doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, the fact that he's doing I'm a good boy golden retriever kind of stuff, it's just not hot. It's not hot, you know what it is, it's not hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's why your pussy dries up. It makes your pussy dry. Yeah. This is why nice guys don't get laid. And then the guy's always like, but she had sex with that jerk. With that other guy. Why did she choose him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And who's just like, what's up, you're babe, I'm dude, like, I'm fucking badass. That's what you want. You don't want the LaRusso, you want the Johnny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? Is that too much? Though every date to bring flowers, does that seem a little high maintenance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, maybe, yeaah, that's the pairing, is like the beta male with like. Fuck outta here. Yeaah, fuck outta here. Cause isn't it gross how she, I felt like that, that this is gross too. You know, like this doesn't work either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out of here. She's doing that princess thing. Yeah. Of like, you need a trip. Do it, Tommy. Do your sisters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and that's the thing, is that women say they want that guy, and then when that guy shows up, it makes your pussy dry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you don't want a guy that's a wimpy, mushy, mushy, he'll do whatever. I got you flowers! All the time? Every day? No, I like flowers, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, you do want it to be spontaneous and like, and all- ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So are you looking his nuts every day? Like what's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did Joe do wrong, Tom? Like, instruct the listeners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At home, so we're helping guys who want to put a dating profile on TikTok. He's nice, he's friendly, he's outgoing. What's wrong with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how I feel when I watch your injury videos. This is my equivalent of your injury video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is astounding how all these cool guys, they like fit this bill and we haven't put out-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Tom, don't you find it interesting that we haven't even put out the guidelines and standards for videos for cool guys? They just know what those guidelines and standards are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they know? Shitty lighting, check. Bad angle, check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like her. She does a lot of stuff. She's also got a boyfriend. And she's like, if you say bad things about my boyfriend, we'll come after you. She'll beat you up. She really likes her boyfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm picturing if you did this, I would be like, okay, I like Tom Segura, I like what he's doing, this is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's, it's not, but it's also kind of a manipulation, right? It's, it's, I wanna cuddle. It's like, I'm a nice guy, I wouldn't try to F you, we're just gonna cuddle. It's whatevs. It's starting to go bad for me at cuddle. I'm not interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, see, you and I are old school like that, and I respond to that really well. If a gentleman goes, let's go for dinner, I'm like, this guy's class. He's willing to invest time and money and energy into me, and I'm willing to invest in him for a night out. Like, apparently, but the kids don't do that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dark place, dark wood. Don't take to bright place. Women don't want to feel cozy and intimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. See this is, this guy doesn't know how to do that. He doesn't know how to connect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he stops himself from saying boobs or vagina. And he chose butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a given. It's, if a man is asking you out or talking to you, he wants to fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That should be your new power animal, cause you like to kill for the thrill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that you gave him credit for having that hidden talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Well he's a cool guy, I mean he's got everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's dope. Actually I listened to his music on YouTube and I really liked it. Is he Miami based? Yeah, I believe, I don't want to say, I don't want to misspeak but I do think it is Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he and his bro have the same look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So guys, listen to his albums and download them, cause I don't think he can work. He's never gonna be able to do anything but rap, so please support Red 4X.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, let me see. St. Loose Tits, I believe. Oh no, sorry, sorry, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Demois, Des Moines, Iowa, April 9th through 11th, and then Fartnicks, Arizona, April 23rd and 24th, and then May 6th, one night only in Breast Balls Beach, Florida, and then into July in San Antonio, Tejas, and then Liberty Township, Ohio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she did her Vietnamese nail lady, uh, during my set, which was like, banana. The shows are just so fun, so thank you so much for supporting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy. Thanks, Jean. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here, and don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I think it's all back to Trump's business where, buddy, the law is bought off, okay? And the news is bought off too. Who pays you off? Hmm? Hmm? Why don't you get out? Okay. Nobody pays me off. Nobody pays you off? No. You're just free? I'm free. You're free. Okay, well have a nice day. Good to see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peterson. Connell Peterson. You can call the Nebraska State Patrol. Collin Connell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just too much. What's too much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. She was like, this guy. That guy. Fucking Mike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My Kings Above 18. Here is the shirt that you guys have been asking for. I just had one printed up. Kings Army. Protect and respect the Queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are available right now if you'd like to order one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shirts are $30 plus $10 shipping and handling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have got my logo, my king and queen logo on the right upper corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have a beautiful day, enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, then you have to get up and close the fucking door. Those stupid doors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming to get that booty. Big booty or a flat booty. Just let me eat you. One turn. Big booty or a flat booty. I'm coming to get that booty. Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming to get that booty. Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we both talk about Jewish stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very big of you. We're all proud of you over here in the booth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the acai berry is an inch long reddish-purple fruit. It comes from the acai palm tree from Central and South America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like a frozen yogurt dessert it feels like. Like they put peanut butter in there, some granola.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do I start? I mean, truly just got most of it. It's them wanting a part of whatever you have. It's just implied. It's an expectation. Yeah. Yeah. The whole handing you a baby, like the, the, the Hasidics being like, could you not smoke near us while we're doing this? It's just like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, right? Wait, hold up, I got a date right now. Uh, she's alright. I'll call you after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Oh, you got something in your nose, actually. No, no, other nostril? Ah, you can leave it. Man, I wouldn't have done my hair if I knew you weren't gonna do makeup. Oh, you did? Oh, looks natural. Just gotta move my keys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tesla, but yea, I got some trophies back there. Uhm, let's cut to the chase. I'm down to bang you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you gonna cry, piss your pants maybe, maybe shit, and cum? I don't know, I just found that on Tiktok, it was pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Piss your pants maybe? Maybe shit and cum?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babble. Just 15 minutes a day on my iPhone. I do the app. It's so easy. I can do it when I'm just like bored. I don't have anything else going on. And the lessons are quick and intuitive. And uhm, it's like, it's an everyday situation. So I can ask for cafe like I just did. That's coffee. That means coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I learned that there's 14 different languages you can choose from, including Spanish, French, Italian, and German. Other languages


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies, ain't nothing like pulling your man boxes down, okay, and watching that thing boing, boing, boing, boing, boing out like it's on hydraulics. Tell me I'm not. Tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boy, you're really putting it out there, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I started listening to you guys, I wanna say mid-200s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Orlando airport. Dude, we've had DJs name themselves after this incident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has been, right? It's just been one thing after another. I thought you breaking half your body was going to be the only bad thing we needed to figure out. And then it just kept on piling on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Yeah, I mean, I remember there were so many different situations where we're like, okay, we're going to set up a zoom station for you in this location. And then like, I think we've, we packed and unpacked the same box maybe five different times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then we just kept on realizing like, oh yeah, this is impossible. Or like, oh yeah, we can't really do that feasibly in this type of scenario. It's just, it's so great to have you back though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's uh, this is the first time I've actually seen you since December 1st. It is, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you, you, uh, we, I remember we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were discussing bets on whether or not you'd be able to do something or not. And then you were like, fuck all y'all. And then you, you, you bounced one of the ceiling towels and you're like, and it's going to stay like that. Yep. And then we got the call later that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he didn't really tell us stories of memorable shits. No. But it was like kinda, he did have an open door policy when he shot. He did? Mhm. Like if you ever needed something from him, like, it'd be like, uh, hey, where's dad? He's like, oh, he's in the bathroom, go get, go get what you need from him. Cause he would take like hour long shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he'd be in there for a minute, and then like if you need it, like everyone was just used to his shit smell, and it was bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What did, I mean, I, I think that- He'd always have a newspaper that was strategically placed. That he was reading, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like he would try and like hide his cock and balls from his kids, but I mean, I think we all kind of could draw from memory at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and like this was even before cell phones, so he was, he just had a newspaper to entertain, which I can't even fathom at this point. But I mean, that just shows you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you find yourself doing that too now that you have two kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever see the smell knock them back a little bit? Never. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, maybe they're not afraid of that smell yet. Maybe that smell just means dad to them now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't even gotten to any of the, uh, face button mashings yet. Remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funniest thing about the call and you saying road beef is I could have sworn Top Dog heard that and it didn't register, but he just tried to play it off. Right. And then later on, circles back, he's like, Oh yeah, I'd love to see some Canadian blonde. So it's like, Oh, he read you a hundred percent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I sent you a real fun video over the weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you responded with, uh, oh, so this is what we're doing now? We're sending videos to each other that we know the other one won't like? And I was like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, which one did you send me? I sent you the video with, uh, the two fingers. That, like, you think it's, uh, like, oh, this guy's on vacation and pretty soon you're gonna see he's gonna, like, hang out with his wife or whatever and it just goes straight into the chick's asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's really cool, man? Is that this culture that you're creating is now bleeding into the rest of the office. My other group chats, I mean, Chris could tell you, we're in a group, like, and he's now sending death videos also. And he's just like, look, this is funny, right? And I'm like, what? It's like, I can't get away from that. It's coming from every angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Alright, cool. And you won't retaliate with sending death videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, severely injured videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then getting like flipped five times before he hits the ground. Yeah, I don't like those dude. Me neither. I don't like it at all. Not anymore. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, like how has this changed for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, after seeing your video, like, are you able to like, detach yourself enough to at least think it's funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you don't think that your video is hilarious, but let's say, for example, if a helicopter started landing in the middle, in the middle of your video, and then a blade went to your head, you'd be like, now I get it. Now it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so one of your takeaways is just, like, it helped you to learn how to appreciate other things more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And none of us should come back. It's a hundred motherfucking degrees out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We fixing to pack these stands full of people and Texas Motor Speedway says, oh, by the way, motherfuckers, you can't bring a cooler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a bunch of horse shit and I ain't gonna allow no fucking body to push me around and tell me what the hell I can and cannot do. NASCAR fans pay the bill up in this son of a bitch. That's who pays the fucking bills around here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see a woman was raped in Disney World?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, uh, Mr. Egar, is uh, Shuley there? He go, who is this? Well, this is Wesley. Wesley! What the fuck do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The king is, is really dominating the interwebs in our phones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is good fun. It's a good way to wake up and I'll let you know, uh, you know, put your feet on the ground, get you a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my beautiful queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make me laugh. Oh, that was funny to watch your tits bounce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's very exciting. Very exciting news here at YMH Studios. Uh, we have a whole new website with all our information, with all the shows, with all the store. It's gonna be where we stream live shows, where we can drop new content. It's all at YMHStudios.com. So when you get a chance,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you would, head on over there and check it out and try it out and get you a nice hot breakfast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And go to ymhtstudios.com and that'll be the home of everything consolidated that comes out of these here studios. Uhm, it was a great Thanksgiving week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as the idea to do something with other people brings about any drama, I go, no, no, I'm done. I'm out. I'm good. So like we were gonna have some people over and as soon as there was like pushback from one of the people, I was like, it's fine. It's fine. I know! You stay back, stay back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were gonna make a special trip to see my folks, which has its own concerns, but we had planned out a way to quarantine, stay safe, travel as safely as we could to see them, and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a little bit of drama from, you know, some family about how come you can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the best discovery. And here's the thing, our kids are so young that it sucks to travel with them. As soon as they're of age, we're doing it again. And what you do is you leave on holidays and you tell people, God, I wish I could spend time with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the problem is, I'm 5000 miles away.


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[Assistant] Those points are the shit. If you don't, if you're not on the points game, this is not a new discovery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But points can get you airfare, they can get you hotel stay, they can get you rental cars. You can do a lot with some credit card reward points.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know something, I don't know if I told you this or not. Uh oh. But, so.


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[Assistant] At that time, we used, I remember now vividly, we used points for the airfare and for staying there. And the only thing we would really come out of pocket on would be the incidental charges, which is like, you know, your meals and anything. And I had in my mind what it would be. And it was like seven or eight times that amount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it took me, uhm, like eight months to pay off that bill. Like I thought I would be paying it the next month. Whoops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] McDonald's says you don't get 2.2 million and then I told Lamborghini you don't get 467,000. So.


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[Assistant] Anyways, I did it, and uhm, I think you did a really, really great job. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright, let's open the show. We didn't do the show intro yet. You ready? I'm ready. Let's party here. Let me make sure this is all the way up.


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[Assistant] Bro, I thought you were fucking on board, that you know when a sneeze is coming, and you're like, you know if there's something I know, it's not to talk about the sneeze that he's about to sneeze. I'm like, I'm about to sneeze.


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[Assistant] God, totally ruined it. Uhm, so, I did have an incredible sneezing fit before. One that I haven't had in probably like, at least a year. It was more than a dozen sneezes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I cannot believe you ruined my- the one that I was about to do.


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[Assistant] Well I will say this, I actually really started to think about, this might sound crazy to people, I started to think about YMH Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During the fight. No, during the event, because of the fact that I realized, oh, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something to do, something, like this is, I, I realized that it was, it was providing like as, as outrageously different as the two.


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[Assistant] Even if you weren't like into everything that they're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like to put that together.


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[Assistant] It, it's, it was no small feat, you know, like they, they had that all constructed at, I think at the Staples Center, they had stages for performances, they had rings for the fights, and had the commentators, Izzy Adesanya did a great job, Snoop did a great job talking, that Sugar Ray, I don't know who the main anchor guy was on that, I didn't recognize him, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regardless, I thought they did a good job of putting on a show, like making it something, you know, a spectacle to watch. Uh, we should mention that YMH Life 3,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you guys were so good to us that uhm, there was no reason to take it down. So if you're watching this right now and you still yet have not seen it, you can watch YMH Live 3 at ymhvirtual.com until Friday at midnight. Now that being said,


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[Assistant] The uhm, the fight before the Jake Paul, Nate Robinson fight, oh my god. That was, that was the heavy segment. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] So what happened was, you know Jake Paul, right? Logan Paul, Jake Paul, they're like internet, uh, sensations. They have these huge social media followings. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. I don't even know what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, what they did to get famous, I just knew that they were famous at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were just Viners? Yea. So they're big YouTubers. I knew that they would do, like, that Logan would do vlogs and stuff. And then he eventually started a podcast and everything. I don't know much about him. I remember him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, always getting into some shit, like, whatever. Things would, he would uhm, he was a polarizing guy, you know, would get in shit. I remember the dead body in the forest, remember, and that was like a huge thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's this dude's brother, and then I think Logan the older one announced he was gonna fight someone first. I mean I thought it was publicity, it kind of is, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They took it seriously like the fighting and you could tell if you've like watched boxing at all that, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jake was ready to box. I mean, you could tell that he was, he was a, you know, coming into the ring, um, like establishing a jab, like, you know, just kind of like doing what you do in, in boxing. And Nate Robinson is a former NBA player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I didn't even realize that Nate called him out. I was like, I'll whoop your ass or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so that's what, that's what set this up. But when man, the nerves of a fight take over. So he was like charging at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Running at him and it was inexperience. It was, you know, never having been in that position, never having really boxed other than trained. And you could see that like Jake was definitely the more trained boxer. And then he knocked him, by the way, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to shit on the whole thing, but that ref should have called it after the second time he went down. The second time he went down, he gave him an extended count by my count. I was like, Oh, that's 10. That's 11, 12. And he was like, you're all right. And then he told me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show me your gloves. Like, and he had to explain it to him and you could hear the mic. He's like, you need to put your gloves up here if you're going to go back. And then he was like, yeah. Yeah. And you're like, oh, he's, you should wave this off. Like this is not going to go well. And then he fucking knocked him out for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a good minute, like he was blacked out, completely knocked out. Not when you see like a knock out and the guy gets up. That dude was asleep, face down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that kind of shit has lasting damage. You know? I mean it can have. It can. That can fuck you up for, that can change things in your brain. For sure, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, then we watched Tyson Jones. You did watch that one with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like nostalgic too, you know? It's the best. That's what we grew up with, like, our dads. Ordering his fights and then being like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jones did not look as good. He did, he did. No. Like he did show some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, signature thing where he would, he would box with his front, like his lead hand down, and basically almost taunt you with his face, which is a very dangerous thing to do unless you're super skilled. And he did that a few times, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was, it was entertaining, he definitely wasn't in the same physical shape, and a couple times, but I do think that Tyson actually did the thing that no one thought he would do, which is show some restraint. Um, he, there was a couple times where I was like, oh, right here at the end, he'll kill him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the 10 second uhm. Yes, I was waiting for it. And it was at the end of the fight and you could tell that he was like, oh no, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, and he was always cognizant of that. When I, I'll never forget, like I've talked to him a few times now, but the first time that I talked to him at length was when he came to my show in the green room, and we talked about putting on a good show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Mike Tyson and I were talking about, I was talking about boxing and I was asking him his opinion on this fighter, that fighter, all these, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was super down and very honest. And he talked to me about how certain fighters, uhm, who will remain unnamed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, don't put on great shows and how he's like, they're boring and he doesn't really, he goes, but I was always a showman. Yes, indeed. Like, I know people want to see a knockout. So I'm trying, that's what, like, part of the reason I'm trying to knock people out is yes, to win the fight and have it be over. But part of the reason is because I know that all these people are here to see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like trying to put on a show, you know. Jones did say afterwards, he was like, those body shots hurt like fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Jones is notably, I mean, they're close in height, but like in weight and in build, they're not. You know, Roger Jones Jr. was not a heavyweight. Mike Tyson was a heavyweight. So when you're fighting a different weight class, it's really different, the power that can be delivered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was also super hyped up after the fight, which was actually scary. He's like, we're gonna do his shit all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know if that would be a good show. I mean, it could be if like you want to just see somebody, you know, die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I understand that. I'm just saying that he wasn't just, you know, done talking about the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty cool. And then he, so he goes, where are we supposed to do it? I was like, no, I was just sharing it with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so there's a guy right there and he's like walking up to a piece of machinery and then he reaches over and I think his, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right there, like, it catches what he's wearing. And it's spinning, like, at a really high rate of speed, and he does it, and then all of a sudden, it just starts spinning him around. I don't know how. And then, like, clothes and everything's coming off of him, and then eventually, like, his whole body


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you something about this video that is like, it is comical to watch the body fling around like that. I gotta take this off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's funny to watch that part, like to fling it around, you know, like it feels like a cartoon. The ragdoll? The ragdoll. You like seeing that? Uhm, but then like, it's also, here's the thing, it's wide security cam footage, it's not like detailed footage, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what happened was, I saw that and I go like, what the fuck? And then the guy who sent it to me goes, this is why I make live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, his, his follow up was the images in high definition photos of the aftermath there. That was wild because that had the guy's hand still holding on to the equipment. Yeah. God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have like 10 to 12 Benadryl? Cause I think I need to take some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I will say that this didn't really start until I walked in and sat across from Nadav.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but let's, let's backtrack here. All the morning was the same. Everything was the same. We get here, we sit and we talk to Nadav. All of a sudden, I have an allergic reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wasn't excited about the refund, she was excited about that I was talking to her with the toilet, with the door closed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like my peace and quiet in there. I like it. I like to be able to just, you know, you know what I mean? Just relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we should stop down. I gotta get something.


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[Assistant] I can't continue. This episode is brought to you by Policy Genius. The holiday season sure knows how to lighten your wallet for many families. December is one of the most expensive months of the year, not to mention


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The busiest if you're looking for a fast and easy way to put some money back in your pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not reshop your home and auto insurance rates with policygenius.com? This is actually


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A really smart and easy way to see if you can save some substantial money just by checking this out. You go over to policygenius.com, you answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property. They do the rest. They compare rates from over 30 top insurers from progressive to nationwide to find the lowest quotes. Why not just try that to see if it can work for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're feeling the pinch during the holiday season, find out how much you could save on home and auto insurance at policygenius.com. They've saved their home and auto insurance customers an average of a thousand dollars a year by re-shopping. Policygenius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back, we had to take a break. I've never had this, uhm, like, allergies pop on while we're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that. We didn't even revisit the opening clip and how amazing that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a movie we watched last week. I'm taking it like iTunes. I'm like, what movie did we watch last week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have an old sloppy stinky old man bang you and you get something in exchange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, this chick's what, you know, 19 or something? Yeah. Okay, that bag's probably a couple grand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get, like to take one from an old man, it probably didn't last long. No. He didn't hurt her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's one and done. That guy busts a nut every three weeks, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I would say, uh, salute to you. I wish I could re- Can you read what her handle is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, that, I mean, this, this may have worked. She may, she may go to her mom after mom sees this talk and she goes, I got, I want to get these Gucci boots. And mom's like, no. And then she goes, you mean to suck off how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That lives down the street. He's on dialysis. You mean if I give him a blowjob? And then she's like, all right, all right, all right, what size are you again? And then she buys her the boot. I mean, it's good negotiation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good lesson. That's the end of the day. This clip is a great, great lesson. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm 19 or 20 and you're like, do you want this cool sub or do you want, you know, whatever, like a nice jacket or something that I can't afford and you're like, you just have to fuck this old lady. I'd be like, yeah, of course I'll do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also like, you know, you fucking trip when you're 19 and your dick gets hard. So it's like, it's not like it's a, it's not a big thing to work this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you said foreign country, like you know that I lived in many foreign countries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think what's interesting is, uh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a way that this works, and like, what you were doing was like, you were saying like, can I... Is this me? Yea, I'm trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so she went to a guy and was like, will you get me this? And then she probably just implied, like, and I'll make it worth it to you. And then the guy waited and he was like, yeah, okay, I'll do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, I believe that this girl went to whatever man she approached and was like, I want this bag. You know? What can I get, will you get this bag for me? And then, yea, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this old guy, I wonder what old is to her, it could be, she was like yeaah, he was like 38. Yeaah. Oh wow, that is pretty old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, when our five year, almost five year old calls me old man, I laugh so hard, he does it after I torture him, like I'll grab him and like pin him down and like start like, you know, tickling his neck, he'll be like screaming, let me go, let me go, and I'll finally let him go, he goes, old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, uhm, it was, I was so bummed that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Post procedure, first of all, I didn't realize that I could easily become an addict to anesthesia. Like I really, really dig it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, okay. And by the way, the guy looks at my, uh, the anesthesiologist looks at the monitor and he goes, your heart rate's 40? And I go, yeah, it's always like that. And then the GI goes, oh, you didn't know? You're looking at an athletic specimen here. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, I'm on my side, and I was like, hey, you know, I usually, I usually sleep with a mouth guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just let them, I let, you let anesthesiologists because they're going to put you down. And I go, so, you know, I don't know about the airway. And he's like, oh, good call. Uhm, they're like, bite onto this. So I bite onto a thing. No, no hesitation. I'm like, well, and they strap it on. So it keeps your, your airway open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like 30 seconds and counting. And I go, and they go, so I go, just send me bye bye, okay? That's what I looked up and I told the guy and he goes, what? I go, bye bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put my head down, and then they're like, do you feel it? And my eyes were fluttering, and I go, does it look like I feel it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that was it. Then they were just like, hey, and I was like, it's over? And they're like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything was good. I was supposed to get an update today on biopsies, so maybe, you know. But he's like, everything looked good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he's like, you got a nice asshole, feels soft and everything. But the worst part was, because of COVID, you know, so many more restrictions, I come out of it, and this is what I was looking forward to the most, were the farts, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Farts. I heard that you get these awesome farts right when you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm laying there and they're like, the lady's like, if you need to pass gas, I was like here. And she's like, honey, we hear it all the time. Don't worry. Cause it was kind of a group set. I mean, you have like privacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, yeah, just, you're fine. And I go, okay. And god, I wished I had my, even my phone with me. It was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. You know, like real cool farts. And it was a sequence of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because as soon as you thought you were done, you were like, oh, is there something else in the chamber? And uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just farting for a while. But then by the time I got in the car with you to head back, the parts were basically done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a good question. I'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure. But I think the majority yes, because it was a specialized unit for GI stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about paying money, but it was, it was pretty, it was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's not, I'm not sick, I'm just like, I know what my allergies feel like because I can feel it also in my eyes, you know? My eyes feel irritated and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna be like, insensitive, but I still think it's Nadam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they send you prescription solution that's like delivered to the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, this is gonna be near a toilet. But the crazy thing is they go, you started at 4pm and then they go and you drink the exact same thing at 7pm. So like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As your body is, you feel like, oh, it's evacuating everything. They're like, here's sending a second round. The backup team. It was pretty intense. It was pretty intense. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a lot of water. That's the thing. It sounded like somebody poured a gallon of water into the toilet every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I asked him, I go, how was, I was a little nervous because even, even like an hour before I went in, uhm, at the place, I sat down,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank God I read, I read the details on what I was allowed to drink. Cause I was like, I bought juices and Gator cause he's like, you can have juice and Gatorade and water the day before. I was like, okay. And I bought a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then on the instructions right before I was about to start drinking Gatorade, it's like, only drink...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I started just, I mean, I was going through, cause I was losing so much fluid, but right before, so I told the nurse, I was like, the thing is, I just went downstairs and, you know, I still had stuff coming out, but I was telling her that I, I didn't cheat. Like I followed the instructions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She gets okay. I go, I think there will still be stuff though. And she goes, oh, he uses like a suction tube and he'll suck up all the fluid. Um, that happens totally fine. I was like, you're going to just suck up all the fluid in my asshole. And she was like, yeah, there'll be nothing there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, I went an extra long period, uh, without eating or drinking because normally, initially I was gonna have,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, initially you do the fast and you try to go first thing in the morning, but there wasn't availability. So I ended up going, how long did I go? I went 36 hours for a fast, which is pretty, you know, if you're not used to it, you go like, Jesus, even though I did, I think I told you, I felt like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like mental clarity and I felt thankful that I don't have to fast all the time. You know, which I think is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I actually thought about that. That like, I don't have to fast. Except for this procedure. But anyways, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Burt, the thing is, is that there's different cultures and they do things differently around the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't want to help me, then don't ask, that's fine. If you're listening, this is a man telling a police officer, an officer of the law, can you go get me a Dr. Pepper? Because he's like, well that's what I understood when you said can I help you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy is such an asshole. The guy asking. Uh, cause I feel like that cop is actually extra nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he made a joke. You could get so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get the wrong cop and ask that too and have your fucking day, maybe your life ruined. Uhm, like maybe life over. But yea, there is a point also where he definitely considers. He was like, for real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he thought about that. It was almost like the girl getting fucked by the old guy for a purse. It kinda all comes together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't prefer that someone dies, I'm just saying this is harder to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The visual of it is so like exaggerated. It's so over the top. It's so far removed from something you normally see. It actually looks like a cartoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, that you have the security cam footage is not as clear, there's a little more distance, it's not high def. This is like, see, I like being kind of removed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think I'm being reasonable. I think you guys are both being jerks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could definitely be better than that. So where did he go wrong? Uhm, I think it's the part where he almost snapped her fucking spine in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did the old, I'm gonna hurt you in a new way so you forgot how your old pain feels. That's, that's an old trick we learned in chiropractic school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That definitely hurt her. I mean he may not have hurt her permanently, but he hurt her right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, yeah, that's, I think he had a disc slip in her back that he just did, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? So, what's the order between me adjusting you, this guy adjusting you, and- Am I normal? No. You going into the machine that spins the guy around and throws him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you work in a chiropractic office, please let us know about this man's technique.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, this is how it's done. This is the gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I signed up for. Uhm, we saw this video that is very funny of somebody commenting on Giuliani during a press conference. I guess he had, he's in the wings, he's done talking and one of the other lawyers is talking and this is a play by play that's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did it all wrong. I know. He did, the side that he blew into, he kept out instead of folding it over. And then he did wipe his mouth and his whole face with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, by the way, about the, uh, colonoscopy. We call my dad on the way home and I go, he goes, how'd it go? And I said, it's great. And he goes, yea, you know, anything, Italian, anything? I said, no, not yet. Everything looks alright. So they told me that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't have my first bowel movement probably for a couple days. He goes, nah, that's not true. And I go, well, these people do these all day. And he goes, Tommy, I bet you're going to go tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, he goes, maybe sooner. I go, dad, they just told me this. And he goes, if there's one thing I know about, it's taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go, I believe you. And then he, uhm, he was right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, then I feel like, like everything was, I felt like back, but do you ever have a day where you feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a day like that, I think it was yesterday or the day before, where it was just volume, but healthy. Like brown, brown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what I did, right? I skipped and then I went back to normal and then it was just fucking on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I went early, it wasn't a normal, it was just like slop, but it was like somebody turning the machine back on, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And we realized something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is totally true. And that is Dad's Jack-Off to the hunt for red October.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, it's two-fold, okay? One is that they grew up in an era where this was the dominant environmental reality. Like the, the world you lived in was dominated by this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Between 60 and 80, like in that age gap, he either...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was born at the end of, or towards the end of World War II or just after that, or during the Korean War, like born, so like you're in like these major, major wars, then was definitely alive, present, or involved in the Vietnam War.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was like the last of like the, you know, even though we've had Desert Storm and Afghanistan and all that stuff, the Vietnam War is different like in the way that it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some were drafted, some sign up, like my dad. They were like, I'll go. So that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he just, that's like what guys like that did though. Like his brother too, they were just like, oh, yeah, I'll go. Wild. Yeah, so uhm, so there's that, right? Like there's that, it's part of the environment. And then, it's that these types of movies,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're intellectual action movies. See men love, we love action movies. There's remove your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like Die Hard, Rambo, you know, you're just like, yeah, exactly, Seagal, Van Damme, most shorts, it's all just like explosion, explosion, fight, fight, shoot, shoot. But the story is real basic. It's always like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, wife's in trouble, uh, my kid, my kid's in trouble. Protection, you must protect. Yeah, it's just like, protect your family. If you get into a geopolitical storyline with espionage and, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chess moves and deception, it, it's an intellectually stimulating, but it still has the payoff of the action. Because that movie still has like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, but dads man, clear, clear and present danger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's all these Tom Clancy, and then, oh by the way, I gotta tell you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've seen the Mandalorian on Disney, you know, but you'll forget, and I by chance because of that, I was like, you know, I never checked out Jack Ryan, which is the character, the Tom Clancy character on Amazon. I fucking have ripped through this season. That is not only a, like a really, really good show, but holy shit did they spend


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know if it's public. I know it's public they pay Krasinski like two million an episode. I feel like they spent a hundred million dollars making this season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really like, it's impressive production.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazing. Every episode is like a feature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. That's a little, that's different. I mean that's, it's good, it's different though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, so they are doing a Season 3. What does it say there if you click on that link? It's really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I bet that, I mean, that's probably a COVID delay, right? That's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same character. It's a dad genre. Yeah, it's the same character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's it say? In the article?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'll tell you this, if you like that sort of thing and you haven't gone on Prime to watch this, it's really good. Yea, it's a great story. He's great in the part and it's really good characters, like I said, in the production. There's things like when you watch TV shows and there's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, you know, the shootout scene or the chase or the explosion. There's the TV version of it where you're like, oh yeah, that's what that is. But in your, your brain tells you this is basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it's also a thing now where like you walk, you see my, I used to visit the house more when I was younger, you know, like every holiday you go to, and there's a certain point where you're walking in the living room and you're like, don't you feel like you understand Hitler now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. This is Battleware. And then they revisit like, this is the Battleware. When you're like, but I mean, you know all this. He's like, I like it. And then he just fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all World War II books, uh, Vietn- he likes World War II, Vietnam, those are the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ask him anything, I mean, he will tell you so much. And then like every year now, you know, I did it like a bit on stage, but like it really does grow every time I talk to him about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About getting something, yeaah. About the thrill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, no, that's a big thing. That's like, you know, that's a big thing where they go, you know, the rules of engagement and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you certainly couldn't be like, I'd like to have a word with whoever's in charge here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you guys, uh, being, uh, causing a ruckus in the, within these walls? I don't think it's gonna... I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I, I get it that somebody goes like if people are murdering people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you know, you can't be like, well we have a petition going to stop it. But like, it's just weird to someone to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the wet bathing suit was her tactic to stay cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I didn't know that that's on the Camry EVC model, but I mean, there's a number of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well of course it is. And also, this guy definitely loves The Hunt for Red October. Like, there's not a chance in this world that this guy does not enjoy Tom Clancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How could you be that impressed by, by it's still happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a golf swing to celebrate, then a baseball swing, then he threw a ball, then he caught the ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody's perhaps married to this guy. Just be happy that you're fucking not. I would never do this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kind of chair that when you do sit in, you're like, god damn, I wish they had better chairs here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would feel more comfortable if somebody was like, here's all my, um, fleshlights. Uh, here's 6,000 fleshlights. I'd be like, that's more, you got your shit together more than the chair guy. This guy's so fucking unstable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is such a big flex in his world where he's like, check it out on the chairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's just, and by the way, 90% of these look like the exact chair next to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Momma's House is brought to you by Stamps.com. This holiday season, more people will be mailing stuff than ever before. That is true. That means the post office is going to be busy. You don't have time for that. Stamps.com brings the post office and now UPS shipping right to your computer. Mail and ship anything


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the convenience of your home or office. With Stamps.com, anything you can do at the post office, you can do with just a few clicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up for stamps.com instead. There's no risk. With our promo code MOM,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Mom. That's Stamps.com. Enter Mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, thank god 2020 is coming to an end. As we start thinking about healthier resolutions for the new year, whoop is great for measuring tracking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quantifying behavioral changes, you guys know I'm no joke with this thing man. This thing never leaves my side. I wear this on my arm when I sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I workout, when I visit my dominatrix, I always have my whoop on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what about you? Do you want to join the team? Do you want to study?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The actual data of how your behaviors affect how you feel, how you perform, how you rest. I'm so obsessed with it. It is one of the best fitness trackers and memberships I have ever seen for just $30 a month. You get personalized insights 24-7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For our listeners today, if you're thinking about giving Whoop a shot, this is their best deal to try it out and see if it's for you. Get your first month of Whoop for FREE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you sign up for their six month membership, head over to whoop.com slash house to get started for zero dollars. All right. And you peed and when you done peeing, do you feel like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, there are some updates. Big updates. We can start by letting you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a very creative talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not good. Right. He did a whole like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're right, usually there's, you know, you like to be a little layer to it, right? Like a little-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why'd the girl, why's, why's the, you know, why'd the girl ask to meet me? It's like, cause you did the thing. You didn't just go nice tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still very appealing to some. So by all means, don't stop doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well let's, you know, let's keep going here and let's see if we find any more. Let's see if we get to revisit the king here in a moment. Okay, let's go through what else, some other talks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really interesting. There's a certain type of guy that is figuring out that he's not happy about the bicky bop. Most people just let it go. Just let it go. Yeah, yeah, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a rap on this thing. But there's certain guys that go, uh-uh. You're not gonna take advantage of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very cool. And you got him, he's like, look what I found. Yeaah. He's very, very proud of himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're looking at two dogs and one of them is not so natural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very funny. That's very funny. That was actually very cute. I like that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, who, how, how, what percentage of the population does this affect? Is there no stat on that? Is there a statistic on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it can't be coming up this much and not being substantial, I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Study revealed that at least 0.5% of Americans identify, well that says as transgender or gender nonconforming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Well, what about that drop down? What percentage of the population?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to the 35%? Oh, of the nearly 28,000 transgender respondents to the anonymous online survey identified as non-binary. 35% of 28,000. But we're about 330 million. So, what is that roughly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you look, this is ha- I mean, obviously this is hap- one thing I'm pretty certain of, uhm, is uh, is Ellis. Ellis is definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ellis is more verbal because he's five and he's just like, that's for girls. Like he's real aggressive about it. I'm like, okay. So now I'm thinking that he got it from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never said that to him. He's like, I'm not a fucking chick. I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, it's pretty cool to watch. It's good advice, and I don't, like, it kinda changes my view.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really good advice. You just gotta learn endangered plants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was a great talk, King. Wish her to the family. As we always like to say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was like, wow, you're, you know, you're really beautiful. Like in Walmart, she was like, oh thanks. Like it always feels good to hear a compliment. And then he's like, you, you ever done the King challenge? He's like, what? He's like, oh, you don't, are you on TikTok? She's like, yeah, I have a TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't recognize me? She was like, no. He's like, I got a pretty big following. And then he probably showed her and she was like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10,000 people, whatever it is. He was like, you wanna do one? I love how he's like, she wanted to make a talk, and then this is the talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's probably thinking like, oh is that like a duet thing? Are you gonna dance? Like I've seen exciting-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then he was like, just sit here by the bathroom and, uh, I'll get people, and then he said jump on my page, even though people watching this are on his page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if you like really took a following, like if you are, if you're really into it, you should be like, oh my name is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's so like, like just like a cute, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not excited. It doesn't read like, uhm, I'm on your talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like none of your intuition tells you that this is a bad post to find someone. Someone told me to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like no, like no party egos. I'll put pants on for this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to, I'm trying to date. I'll put pants on for my first post about dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says brown, and now it's not. I pulled the wrap off, it's just white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Piloto is pilot, right? Uhm, and he's saying, and this says pirates


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the Pacific. So, I assume what's happening here is these guys are being chased by either authorities or other cartel people. And it looks like they actually made contact. By the way, the boat that's behind them looked enormous and moving at a crazy rate of speed. Let's watch this again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw one you showed me the other day where this dude was cooking coke. And he was like, here, the coronavirus cure is right in here. And he's cooking cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's intense because this is like, this talk right here could have like six deaths attached to it. Like, this is really insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'd like to take a moment to stand up for the king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] King, you are 100% correct. This lady who's uncomfortable I think is just voicing her opinion that seeing your page makes her physically uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need to, yeah, she can just move it along. She can swipe up and go to the next talk and you don't have to change anything about your perfect page. So everybody wish her to the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, King. You did this one? You're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that this also has like the narrative of like, people are trying to get in here. You know, like a club. Look, the line is around the block. And we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, very much so. Very much so, and looks like there's one final.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Update here. Oh my goodness. I don't know if I'm ready to click this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I do appreciate that he always includes us, meaning the men, the kings out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you could offer that girl three Chanel bags and she'd be like, nah. I'm not. Not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do a little dance for me. God. What do you think you're seeing? Can you describe what you're seeing right here on the screen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they wanna throw. Yep. And he's still mad. Stop throwing that down the stairs. Stop throwing it down the stairs. No treats for you. No cartoons. You're not gonna watch any more cartoons today. You stop it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he's got good upper body strength. Nooo shit. Yeah. He got back in the chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'd like to start a petition to do? Cause you made it really, you know, there's nothing as important as inclusion. And I feel like there should be some type of petition to get a disabled person to be the next Bond or Batman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A disabled trans vet. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, let me speak for the, like, for most people. We want to see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always see like these superheroes bagging like the babe. Why can't he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it. So upsetting. Uhm, that was really cool. I'm really glad we have that. What does this say here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, very- I mean, why can't Batman talk like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just watching the newest YMH Live when the subject of Drumline was brought up as Nadav's favorite movie. I just wanted to let you guys know, I was in Drumline for six years, and while the movie is based on a historical black college Drumline, and the hazing is real, the movie is still completely dogshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope Nadav doesn't let his kids watch this movie or they will grow up R-worded. Love you, Sam de Tejas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Jeans, I believe that Drumline has the exact same storyline as the Queen's Gambit. The main character was born with talent and a specific thing, but they have to get past their hubris to be the best. Kristen, if you like the Queen's Gambit, you should like Drumline. Tim, I trust you keep it high and tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one more here. Hey mommies, I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure drumline has contributed to a cultural phenomenon that has outpaced its humble drumline origins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's the invention of the mic drop. Of course in the film it was a drumstick drop, but the body language of holding it out in front of you and dropping it as punctuation for emphasis definitely originated in drumline. So clown it, but it's made an indelible mark on culture and will live on forever. Keep feathering it chumos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very cool. Very cool. Let's go out, uhm, on something, uh, one more video that I think you'll enjoy before we leave here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you say that's the dumbest fight you ever heard, I raise you another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, isn't it, this is like when, you know when something is like a new cultural phenomenon and then grandparents say it and you're like, wow. Like the fact that Karen took fire to the point where everybody knows it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you try me fat so. You say that enough times though. That fat man, that fat man's gonna come over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you keep, you keep, you know, you're just poking fat fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Just grabs your head. Boop! Side of the house. Uh oh, what happened? And then he goes, oh I got hungry, I'm sorry. I'm fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a real, that's the thing man. You know what I mean? Yea, don't do that. All you need is a little unstable neighbor. Oh yeaah. For this to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I'm so glad I got the allergy medicine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a new one, Rhetorath. Uhm, thank you for supporting us with the live show. Uhm, really, really, like I said, enjoyed doing it. We will be announcing another event next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So next week you'll hear about the next event. I think it's pretty exciting. And that's that, Gene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes, yes I did. You watched it? It was quite a spectacle. It was cool. I didn't see the Nate Robinson fight, but I saw the Tyson and Jones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think that's, I don't think that's accurate. He kept on saying that he was getting in shape for the last like year or two and lost a hundred pounds. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both of you guys sent a whole bunch of links to us over the weekend. And, uh, Tom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom sent a link to me and Zolo and I was like, oh okay, let's see what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a degloving. I've heard, uh, Drew talk about deglovings before. Yes. And I thought that only meant, like, the skin on your arm getting degloved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've never realized that an entire body could get de-gloved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. Lemme see if I can take it out. Wait, the only reason I- I mean, we didn't prep it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I mean, you just sent the link. You just sent the link in the tweet, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, well I imagine, you know, we'll figure out what show to filter this into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Yeah. I disagree. You do? Yeah, I've never seen a video where I saw a cloud of blood mist in the video. And you see that multiple times in this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just saw all sorts of mayhem. I saw Mike Tyson, you know, still deliver it and still be just as terrifying in the ring. Yeah. And then, uh, I got an email that shows Tom could be just as terrifying as ever also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Instagram, it was sent in, and like, yeaah, I can't tell if this guy's just double-jointed, or... Or never had his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'd choose you more over this- I mean, you're not- I mean, that was a weird pop. I've never heard a pop like that when I've been adjusted. Yeah, that's- yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I remember one time, like not my parents, but I think, uh, on my dad's side, like, uh, we went to go visit family and they were like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna leave you here for a little bit. And then after we had dinner, she was, uh, my, my great aunt was like, hey, do you want to see a documentary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a real story? Uhm, the guy from Drumline didn't know his dad, so it's pretty much the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Points at drum. Point. Counterpoint. Mhm. Queen's Gambit is like Drumline, just with chess instead of drums.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything I say is the truth. Black guys are good. White guys are better. Why are you so mad about my opinion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, go re-evaluate your life. Go re-evaluate your life. If you could just go to jail over TikTok. I didn't even jail right now, honey. I did nothing illegal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So most of us are so starved for positive attention that even the simplest compliment will probably get us interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time. Squarespace. Use it to build the website you've been talking about forever. Why don't you have a website? Everybody does. For any business you're doing, especially nowadays where people aren't going out as much, everything exists online. You need to make yourself known. Do it with Squarespace. Don't you agree, Sakura?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if not for your business, what about your personal life? Maybe you have a wedding that you like to share photos, uh, with your family. Maybe you've got a baby born that you like to share photos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Squarespace. I have used Squarespace myself. Uh, I like the layouts. They're very clean, intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, uhm, slick, slick stuff, neat stuff, cool stuff. They have it for all types of businesses, restaurants, photography, you name it. So right now, try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about the king? You know, he's really taken over our YMH culture and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more like, you're still alive today. Congratulations, you're not dead. Kinda stuff.


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[Assistant] I hate when people say that, it's not always true. Your life can get way worser.


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[Assistant] No, but then you don't get a pushy button and I know you and I both are into pushy buttons.


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[Assistant] Babe, supernatural favor, and then it says it here too, so you can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, also I would like to plug this week's episode of Where My Mom's At. I normally don't do this, but this episode is really special and really insane. I have the Leanne Kreischer, wife of the party, on and she gives you step by step


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beige techniques. Like her proven, which you guys have talked about, onto bears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she can make Burt Bagoc in like 5 minutes or less and she gives me step by step detailed instructions.


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[Assistant] Well, and there's a shocking revelation that we discovered. Uhm, listen, I think interviewing the wives has been the best part of where my mom's at. We had Drew Pinsky's wife on and she revealed that she and Drew, Drew gets three to five beiges a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he needs some positivity, some supernatural favor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. And also too women don't generally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fight physically, like it's usually not our first inclination when we see a dude like that to be like, yeah, I'll fucking fight you bro.


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[Assistant] It's so weird, like I wouldn't, I wouldn't even really dig this on TikTok. When I find these, I just put them aside for you. It doesn't amuse me, in the least.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause like, I think in my, all these years of being on earth, like now I see somebody who's crazy and I just turn the other way. That's what everybody should do. Like, I don't, I try not to antagonize. I'm the same, I see crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There should be a documentary on the mommies and their ability to enhance any digital platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think there's a topic that he ever gets lighthearted on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a truthful answer. Not copyright as a baby, you must protect the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that psychotic stare. You know what though, he looks good in this clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After all of my trips, the moment I get to my car, I blow that shit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice to know that there's a cool guy who's got another layer to him, you know? He's even cooler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also have a follow up on our discussion of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, Jeans. Hi, Hitler. I recently heard the debate on how you pronounce Reese's. As someone who grew up right outside Hershey, Pennsylvania and has spent days in Hershey Park growing up, I feel like it's my life's duty to step in. You, uh, 100% pronounce it as Reese's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] P.S. Christine Committed Stolen Valor. Re. See.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know, but you're Reese's Tarded. That makes a lot of sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I still stand by my pronunciation. It's Reese Cups, but it's Reese's, Reese's Pieces.


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[Assistant] So this is, this is the video. That's a highly debatable, it's the, Charo had the longest part in his video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohhhh, gotcha. So it's stolen Valor. It's stolen Fart Valor. Yea, it's stolen Fart Valor. Definitely. We can't condone that on this show. Speaking of, I wonder how King Ass Ripper is. Can we get an update from Zolo if you could do some research?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, but she's doing a higher neck there, which actually like today I'm doing it. It makes your tits look bigger.


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[Assistant] I know, she looks great, but those tits don't look 80.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm about to say. I think her bra is a very strong choice and that's why they look high and tight and not big and mushy like mine.


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[Assistant] A couple of state droopers. Oh, there they are. They look a little droopy here.


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[Assistant] Hold on, I have another one. Okay. Apropos our discussion about dick brooms.


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[Assistant] I was listening to episode 577 when Talk and Krusty were discussing the phrase Dickbroom. I, much like the FGTRTDs in the booth,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never heard the expression before. Once the conversation got going, I quickly realized they were talking about


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[Assistant] Dusters. I've been around hockey most of my life and the common nickname for a mustache has always been Duster, short for Cock Duster. Maybe this is the Canadian version of Dick Broom, but I think it's an easy switch you should make if you want to follow Proto. Anywho,


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[Assistant] If Tom needs his meth dick dusted, you bet I'm coming up in May. Piss on me, beat me. Respectfully, Zach.


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[Assistant] I give cockroach props for being there before.


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[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like, he got in on the bottom floor. He believed in Deandre before this whole thing happened. And like, Deandre should at least consider getting his asshole eaten by Josh. Just on that alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think that he would enjoy that? I think Josh would love to give it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stamps.com brings the post office and now UPS shipping. How great is that? Right to your computer. You can mail and ship anything from the convenience of your home or office with Stamps.com. You can do anything you do at the post office with just a few clicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus stamps.com saves you money with deep discounts you can't even get at the post office. Listen to this, with stamps.com you get 5 cents of every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And up to 62% off UPS shipping rates. Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up for stamps.com instead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no risk with my promo code mom, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom. That's stamps.com. Enter mom. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've had this on the books and then we've had to push it, cancel it, move it for years and I'm so proud of you that we're finally doing this. We need to get to the bottom of these runny dumps and stinky farts and I'm just so excited for you.


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[Assistant] Now, may I tell you something? Cause I've heard that the prep for the colonoscopy is so fucking horrendous. And you know what's crazy? You just said that you start the first at 4pm. So that's your first laxative. And I've had nothing to eat all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but why can't you s- why do you have to stay up at night to do all this? Can't you just shit during the day and then sleep? That's what- that's what I don't understand, cause you're gonna be up all night. No?


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[Assistant] Gotcha. Will you be live tweeting from the toilet?


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[Assistant] I'm gonna sleep in the guest room that night because I think you need your space.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, whatever you want. Now that's the thing, native, will he be able to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, that was your first treat? Well yea. We should plan, like, either all the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looked good. So empty. Wait, you're not going to have a morsel of brown in your intestines. Like not even.


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[Assistant] It's so wild. So I was talking to someone, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, so I was talking to a girl who she goes, dude, I, I've had like intestinal problems for years, like years. I thought I had IBS. Turns out I had a parasite in my intestines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I didn't know about, I got food poisoning years ago from this place, from broccoli or something, and I had a fucking, she had a parasite and she decided to take drugs to kill the parasite. She's like, I just felt tired and, and anxious and da da da. And I thought I had IBS. You could have a parasite in there. You've had food poisoning a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you eat around the world, like comics we eat everywhere. We should at least have hepatitis B, right? Isn't that food porn? I fucking hope so.