[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause it is like, Vegas is like a trashy hooker, right? Like you go, you dump your clip, and then go. Leave. Once you've dumped your clip, right? You don't, you don't hang out after you've begocked.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean one other place is I've never been to the other Vegas. What's it called?


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[Assistant] The weirdest ones for me were always the ones in the middle of nowhere.


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[Assistant] We'll see now that, that theory makes sense Tom, because I remember...


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[Assistant] I flew into some state and then they drive you an hour outside and then you're in there. And I remember people being really stoked about a raffle for some frying pans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, come give your money to the raffle, we're gonna raffle off these frying pans. And I was like, is this really a big deal? And they're like, oh, people come every week for the frying pan raffle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, the buffet wasn't very good, but people love buffet. That is like, they love a buffet if it's on the cruise ship.


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[Assistant] That's like, that's all you do on a cruise ship is you wait for the midnight buffet.


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[Assistant] And then every meal is a buffet, but the buffet's not very good. The quality is not very good.


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[Assistant] No, I hate them so much. I don't like them.


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[Assistant] I don't like it. You know why I don't like camping?


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[Assistant] I don't like being dirty and I don't like shitting in holes.


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[Assistant] Hate the same stuff for the most part. Pretty much. Which is probably why we've been together for so long.


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[Assistant] Visa related? Yeah, they couldn't get their visa to come over.


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[Assistant] Amazing. Peter Murphy's voice is amazing. Now, he actually sounds a lot like Neil Diamond. If you listen to his voice, uh, very similar and he's got great range. Very active. Very good. Very nice. Talented dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you say? Wait, what'd you say? No, I can see it now when you say, oh, it's someone else, like it's the person recording.


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[Assistant] Now I do. Now I'm even more disturbed that he made somebody record this for him. Like somebody is helping him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel sick inside. It's a hospital room. It is a hospital, I think you're right, it's a hospital room. Yeah, cause that kind of a door handle is usually not in a home. Yeah. Yeah, I see it now, I can see it now.


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[Assistant] I don't like his tongue, I don't like his teethlessness, toothlessness.


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[Assistant] I know, sometimes they're little and he still gives a big reaction. Which I don't think is fair. I don't think it's fair either. But it's pretty funny.


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[Assistant] He's super pumped right there. Yeah, he's fired up and it's a positive message. It is, but it's logically not possible. You're not all number one. We can't all be number one. Some of you will be number two in a lot of things. It's not first or last, that whole Ricky Bobby. That's Ricky Bobby's philosophy. If you're not first or last, that's not true.


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[Assistant] Well she's been with him for nine years, so don't even think about it.


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[Assistant] Delicious sauce. What is that? Sauce looks good. That's a type of a fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that sauce looks delicious. I feel like that sauce, you could dip anything in and it would taste delicious.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're in their own lane, they do what they want. But I wonder what goes through that person's mind. Like, what goes through someone's head where they're like, I like this cartoon character so much that I'm gonna dress up and pretend to be them. Fun. When I'm an adult.


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[Assistant] Definitely Florida. Definitely Florida.


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[Assistant] He's oiling? Is that an alligator or a crocodile?


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[Assistant] He's oiling a gator on the dashboard of his car. Oilin' my baby. It's definitely for it. Wow. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I guess my thing is like, why do you have to put it out there? Like, if you want to be a shadow hunter, just do it privately, quietly. Why not put it out there? So that people like us don't mock you, like, to have some self-preservation, maybe? Like, I, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mutually beneficial relationship. Nobody's getting hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your, get your tickets today, guys. Right now, right now, right now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi mommy, thanks jeans. Thank you for watching this episode of your mom's house. And if you had a great time, watch more videos here, here, here. Don't forget to subscribe here, here, here so that you will know when your mom's house video comes out immediately. Thanks jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ahh, it made me laugh so hard. Ahh. You're so pleased with yourself.


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[Assistant] Mm, too. That's drawing and quartering. They used to do that in the medieval period with horses.


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[Assistant] That would fuck me up, bro.


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[Assistant] The world is racing to get back to normal and start meeting up in person again, but after the year we've all had getting back to feeling normal takes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time. If you're feeling overwhelmed by it all, you're not alone. It's important to find the support you need to face those feelings and move forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talkspace. I love Talkspace. It makes it so easy to match with a licensed therapist and schedule live video sessions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All from the comfort of your device. You can start messaging your therapist the same day you sign up. That is why Talkspace is so unique. You have this access to your therapist so quickly. You don't have to wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, until your next appointment. And listen, I've been a huge proponent of therapy for the last decade. Whether you're experiencing depression, anxiety, or other problems, Talkspace is the number one online therapy platform to help you sort through any issue. Start feeling better with a single message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Match with a licensed therapist when you go to TalkSpace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code YMH. That's $100 off when you use code YMH at TalkSpace.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I missed it, and uhm, I'm really excited, uh, to announce that there's now a razor blade in the bathroom and somebody's been shaving their body in studio jeans. Who's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's interesting what happens when the dudes are all together and there's no lady energy. It's definitely darker in here. Like I walked in and I was like, strong dick energies in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little feminine energy guys, and I'm back and I'm in a new brace. I got my second boot off and I'm in a lace up ankle brace and I couldn't be happier.


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[Assistant] Just a cool reminder of the best time in your life.


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[Assistant] God, and your poor little biscuit has been wrapped up in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure that's what the doctors want you to do. I didn't ask you, I didn't ask. How many times do you think somebody has shoved like a knife down their cast and then it's just stuck there for like months?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you though, it's gonna look pretty tough. Yeah, sure. I'm a little upset that I don't have gnarlier scars from my surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how many people, like I did stand up, uh, last week, and everybody's, when they see me hobbling up, they're like, Tom pushed you down the stairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you, you, you think you're, you think you're an eight? No, you, you, you need to lose like 40 pounds and then you could be like a six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I feel like outside of LA and New York, shit does not get done at the same clip. You know what I'm saying? Like, shit moves at a glacial pace in between New York and LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I've had to dial back my LA-ness. I'm like, where is it, dude? What's up? Where's the update? Let's go. Let's go. And they're just like, you just kind of surrender to it. It's a lot. You surrender. I've surrendered a lot. I've slowed down a lot. You know, and I've also been really enjoying the TikToks where they just ask if you're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm good. How are you doing? Good. I'm good. Did you sleep good? I slept good. Did you sleep good?


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[Assistant] There's an entire lane of TikTokers that I've been curating that their whole purpose is to be like, hope you're having a good day and that your, your weekend's gonna go good and then you're gonna have a good night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes comrade, I don't see, I don't see IQ scores when I curate. I just see, I see people.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Two enemas? Or does he just mean that he's flushing his system out? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yes, and he does a lot of his TikToks shirtless. Some of them are very horny, like usually when the weekend rolls around, he gets hornier and it gets really, really fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any ladies out there wanna meet a guy? Like the typical plea of the sad TikTok fan.


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[Assistant] Mmhm. Yeaah, he's rad. He's all about it.


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[Assistant] Do you think he exercises and is on a ketogenic diet?


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[Assistant] What? That's true. You're right, I'm just saying that you're on, you're on the right path, Detective Yana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing good. Thanks. I would fix that light. That worries me that he's gonna get electrocuted if he stands up. Those are open wires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely the inside of a Winnebago, isn't it? Those shelving and stuff, this looks like a trailer.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't think so. Really? Could be. I think the, uh, the, the, the ceiling too. Oh yea. That, uhm, whatever that material is, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't need that at the end. And what is nice is that even though I don't see the fan, I see the shadow of the fan, so I still know that it's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, like, I always thought my parents were like that. My dad was always like that. Like, come on, I got to take you to the dentist. I got to take you karate lessons. Like, yea, but you're not doing anything. You're just driving me there and then I'm the one doing everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, shithead. Like you agreed to this whole arrangement. I didn't ask for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything was like, if I wanna, I didn't, I saw a movie, the last movie I saw with my dad in the movie theater was Dances with Wolves in 1989, because everything is a hassle, like, aw shit, I got to fucking stand in line with these idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then once you're in the movie, ah, fuck, I can't see the screen, this idiot with the fucking buttifayou, which means like a bread head, like a, uh, loaf of bread, like the head. Like a big ass head. Yeah. These fucking asshole and these guys chewing popcorn and I hear him, ah, like everything was just a hassle. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he would do nothing. He would take me, like, one karate lesson, cause, but, but, cause it was on a Saturday morning and it interfered with his sleeping in, like, forget it, we're not going anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would start and stop all these activities, because you could not follow through. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels so good, yeaah. Your parents, I assume, followed through on lessons and driving you and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like watched you do them and probably enjoyed that. Watching our kid grow and become good at stuff. Yeah, that's cool, right? That's a different way to parent, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, my dad would never take me to stuff. He would never drive me to anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, speaking of, where's my cool glasses you guys? I've been without my perfect glasses for a month and a half now. This is exciting, you sent this to me. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the Hungarian people are known for their tolerance, their openness.


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[Assistant] And now Hungary's new 14 foot high razor wire electric double fence.


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[Assistant] Skeptics who believe a border wall will not stop illegals from entering the United States may want to look at what's happening in Hungary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, 6,353 per day to 870 the next. First of all, who is hankering to get into Hungary like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the remainder of that month, illegal border crossings went steadily below 40 per day. The officials say, quote, they don't even try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't had a single migrant in six months. Prime Minister Viktor Orvan's pledge to stop illegals from flowing into the country appears to be a spectacular success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the problem with America is you guys need to turn to Eastern Europeans to help you build those walls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But who's gonna buy it? Last year. You mean the government? Like who's gonna?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been thinking about, uh, my new title, a title for my upcoming special. Yeah. And, um, I haven't announced it yet, but I will be filming a special, like, uh, and some I can't tell you that it's coming. And anyway, I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all assume once I get clearance, but uhm, I was thinking of, well there's two titles, FGTRTD. Touching my camera through the fritz you faggot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be kinda cool. Four girls that ride till death.


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[Assistant] That's a good one too. Okay. Touch my camera through the fence, chomo. What's up chomos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, as a mother, as a woman, as a comedian, just my struggle. As a person. As a person. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I mean that is somewhat what the hour is about. My struggle of overcoming, you know, the generational trauma. It doesn't sound like a tradition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you heard, what do you think? You like my struggle? What about you, Chris Larson?


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[Assistant] Right. Well, I mean, look, you guys all know that book, and it sounds real popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's not such a bad idea for marketing. Could you imagine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike, Mike comes surges in ebook sales. Is this one Hitler? I mean, Hitler, when Trump was elected.


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[Assistant] Maybe, maybe I retitle it my fight. Just not so on the nose.


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[Assistant] But I just wouldn't, I don't think most people know that Hitler wrote a book about my comedy special.


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[Assistant] Okay, well look, I'm still running titles past my agents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, well, then I, it's between FGT, RTD, and uhm, my, my struggles though.


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[Assistant] Uhm, also, really exciting, Tom and I, we've been having a little more time at home together with both of us healing.


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[Assistant] No, this is a brand new thing that's a big phenomenon.


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[Assistant] It's so upsetting, like I've never heard of it and we just found it by accident.


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[Assistant] You know what I like about it is that uhm, well there's like incest, child murder.


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[Assistant] It's awesome. It really dials into all the stuff people love. You're right. It's got like hot chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or as we like to say, got. G-O-T. That's the little thing we keep talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, you've heard me rave about brooklinen sheets. I love everything brooklinen does and now they have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A line of essentially leisure loungewear that is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outta this world. I love the Adelphi jumpsuit. I wear it around the house constantly. It's like wearing a duvet cover around the house. They have great


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, jogger pants, t-shirts, tank tops, everything. It is button free, zipperless, the softest clothing options in the world. Finally, your comfort dreams have come true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has been listening to what we all need most and they responded with this ultra comfy loungewear at a fair price. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it out. Go on, get comfortable and get it for less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to brooklinnen.com, use promo code HOUSE to get $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and enter promo code HOUSE for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklinnen.com, promo code HOUSE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12, no, in public school, like 12, 13 year old girls, like your mom will buy you makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you make stuff like you, like you would get, like a friend of yours would get like a wet and wild cheap ass eyeliner and then you'd take a lighter and melt it so that it would soften it and then you'd, you know, put the eyeliner on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd put gloss and Kool-Aid, we did that too when we were 13. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, and also, I'm curious as to why deodorant over Vaseline as your base for the eyeliner, I mean the eyeshadow and the blush, you know? Like Vaseline's a pretty good base for all that stuff too. I personally would have gone Vaseline as opposed to deodorant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, look at the two of us. You've been with one arm, I've been with one leg.


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[Assistant] I saw you drive into work this morning, you drove, you set up the Bluetooth on your iPhone, and then you searched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is amazing. I hope it never ends. This is amazing. You know, there's a show Love Island on Hulu that's supposed to be very good. Maybe in 10 years we can get into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's really not. It's really not. I don't think it's that difficult, but people- I get more excited when they-


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[Assistant] But people fuck up, my name Christine, that's why we're joking about that. Do they call me the wrong name? I mean do people fuck up Tom very often?


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[Assistant] I'm telling, like, if you go to, like, the middle of the country, they'll trip out on that shit, but, like, everywhere, you know, there's fucking Latins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather go with Fed Smoker or with RPC for a week in Lucifer's lair or you're in Fed Smoker's car? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] So on my trip, I ventured out of the house for the first time in eight weeks. I got off my scoot scoot. I got into a new boot and a cane. It was pretty dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to Cincinnati, um, origin of the Cincinnati fart. For those of you who've been listening to the show for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's where I ate on a buffet on the ferry on the river there and I ate everything. And I was five months pregnant with our first child and then I farted in the room and it was like a 30 second fart. It was the longest fart in my history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The infamous Cincinnati fart. So it's a, it's kind of a ground zero for mommies, but uhm, so my doctor, my surgeon was like, you can go, but you need a wheelchair assist. And all the, cause I had to take two planes to get there. You cannot walk through airports. And let me tell you, nothing cooler than a wheelchair assist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it was so embarrassing. Have you done it yet? No. It's so fucking, it's awesome because you fly past people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then you also feel obligated to show them how crippled you are. Sure. Like when I would get out of the wheelchair, like in security, I hand it up extra. Like I took my cane and I was like, I can't walk without the cane. And I was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I totally milk this injury. Like for fucking six weeks you guys had to get everything for me and it was the best. And then actually I lie, around week four,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys were kinda sick of me. I felt the shift in the energy of the house where I was like, can I just have it? And you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine, I'll get you a coffee. I'm like, no it's cool, I'll just get on my scoot scoot, I'll get it myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, after four weeks, the baby, the coddling was done. After two weeks, you were like, you can get up, you can go to the toilet. Three days after surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now, like since, so since you have that injury, don't you notice other people with your similar injury? Like now I see people in boots and I'm like, what's up dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause I, we were in a restaurant here in LA and Conor McGregor was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, like, that's an injury that my surgeon sent me a video of. I was like, have you seen this one? I was like, dude, this looks, this is, it was so horrible to watch. That poor, oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gnarly. Yeaah, and now I look at people. Anyway, uhm, I'm into injuries now, so if you want to talk about injuries, I had the skateboarder on Scott Pfaff, he's on Rob Dyrdek's show, he was on Fantasy Factory, he's Rob Dyrdek's cousin, and they're all skateboarders, and there's some really great videos that he shared with us on where my mom's at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so, they're so rat, like they're so crazy. Who fucking does that stuff? Like you're so reckless with your body just for the fun of it, just for the learning how to do a trick. And he talks about how you learn how to do stuff. I thought that was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, there's an entire 20 seasons of a TV show based on just people getting hit in the nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. I don't like the head stuff, dudes. He went too fast, like don't you have to break? You gotta pump the brakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you laughing? Is that what was funny? That's not funny, that guy fell out of the circus ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? That's a really good idea. There should be a thing called amateur circus where you watch people that suck at circus and they just fall and hurt themselves. Dude, that would do so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not seeing it. Dude, this fool broke his collarbone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fell on his neck too, like you see his neck. Could you imagine? He's paralyzed, right? No! He's not paralyzed. Okay, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get mad at me. You guys are the sick fucks laughing at him. It's not my fault you feel bad about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, he's still doing the swipe up and the seve- and who does seven like this, you damn foreigner? Is this seven?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody does this. Who taught him swipe up? That's not how you do it Garth. He looks better here. He looks skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Positive lifestyle, life is good. Oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, we fucking knew this! This is the evidence we've been waiting for!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but do you know why, Tom? Game recognize game. You knew that he was a psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garth is just burying and burying and you can tell it! Tell! Wow! He's so cute!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I gotta take off my brace. It's too tight and it's cutting the circulation in my legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? It's cutting the circulation. Do you want me not to have a fun day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they don't tell you this, but the best way to recover from an orthopedic injury is not to wear the boot and don't wear the fucking shit they tell you to wear. What are you supposed to wear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is why, and at night you drink and you take your oxy. That'll really knock you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Hungarian method. I take off this fucking bullshit boot. Fuck you, your boot. I don't need no shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need this, I'm telling you. Okay. I walk better without this shit on me, dude. Much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how the euros do it. That shit's fucking awesome. Did she kill it though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I was watching the swimming. Did you watch anything? The Olympics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, every- now that we're like a kinder, compassionate, or com- more compassionate world, I feel like it's not as fun. You know? Like back then, back in the day, it was more ruthless. Like you were like, yeah, you fucking kicked these commies' asses, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it was more fun during, uh, when the Soviets were a threat when we had enemies in the world. You'd be like, America's gonna fuckin' kill these assholes. That was a good time, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. We loved it. The only thing I still think is a stupid event is the ribbon twirl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, skateboarding is now in, which is rad, yeaah. And, uh, what else is new?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sport climbing, okay. I mean, that's for these people that don't use equipment to climb rocks and shit, is that what that is? Baseball and softball. Boring. I disagree with that entirely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baseball? How fucking boring is that for Olympics? You need action, you need something fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you something? This is a surf and turf moment for me. I did not know that softball was for women. I had, I did not know that. I had no idea. I thought that it was just like a bigger ball and anybody could play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is very sexist, no? Like the implication that, why can't I just play with a regular...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, they're softballing you, that's what you say, it's a softball. So then why, why don't, I don't understand why we just can't play the regular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fucking hilarious. So why don't they scale down other sports? For instance, tennis. No, think about it. Go with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, you won. No idea. And what about basketball?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, see, okay, so then you go there, and then what's all this stuff about like, well, there's no difference between men and women, like, well, clearly there are physical differences historically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course I know. Didn't somebody get DQ'd for being a trans person in the running events before the Olympics? They tested for testosterone. Yea, well. And they had two high levels even though they had transitioned and blah blah blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman with high levels? Okay, I thought she was trans or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, listen to me, listen. I think I want to be a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we still gonna be married and raise our children together? Will our children call us daddy and daddy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so mean. It's not mean. I'm gonna cut these yucky breasts off. And I'm gonna grow a penis. The penis I've always dreamed of having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but listen, hear me out. What if I cut off these yucky breasts, but I keep my vagina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's the, that's when I'm accommodating your needs. And I just grow a thick, thick, beautiful beard. I look like Burt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, his teeth are like, um, Halloween corn. Oh yeaah. The Thanksgiving corn that's on the table, the decoration, all the different colors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you something. When you go sit down and you make a brown,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you just wiping it with toilet paper? Are you just mashing that caca against your, your bee hole? Why would you do that? It's revolting. Use a tushy. Be a civilized human being. Get yourself a tushy and feel, feel the glory and the cleanliness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it provides. And here's the best part. I know some of you listening are like, yeah, but I don't want to install, I don't have the electricity stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the best part. Listen, starting at only $99, the Tushiba Day installs in under eight and a half minutes and requires no electricity or additional plumbing so anyone can have a clean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this summer. Did you know that? And if you want to have the warm water, you can try Toshispot 3.0 for the added bonus of temperature control. Having a nice, warm, clean butthole. There really is nothing better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't, I really, ever since we've started using Itoshi, there's no way I can go back to not doing it. Go to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hellotushy.com slash your mom to get 10% off your order and free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How happy are you that your buddy's back though? It's so fun to have him back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever smelled Bert? Like does he smell? No, he doesn't smell. Do you smell his balls or anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are nice, yeaah. Those look good on you. I like that. Boxer shorts can get flimsy, like your dad's. Like I've seen him in his flimsy, like, they turn into tissue paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's the woman's job, it's the wife's job to just take over and control the man and just go like, hey dude, you cannot, you can't do this anymore. I've taken the liberty of throwing this shit out. I got you fresh. Fresh. Freshies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So sweet. And what I didn't notice about his teeth is that he has two front teeth, but one of them is really high and it needs to be pulled down. That's all that I noticed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold it! But you heard how powerful those farts are, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way you do it. This is exactly what people do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what did you want to be? One of those couples that keep secrets and hide from each other? I can't, I just can't be dishonest. I see it as dishonest to not live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. We did, you offered to shit in front of me this morning because I had to do my makeup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I've, I, you and I have caught each other shitting because of our crippled states, and the kids are like opening up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked in on you, I was like, I was wrangling the kids, I think I had like scooted by you, and the door was open to the shitter, and you're just like, I'm taking a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't close the door because you can't, you know what I mean, like you're sitting and you can't really reach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been humbling. I had to shit in front of you too with my broken, uh, meat stick. I was like, I just, I'm shitting too. Juju keeps opening the fucking door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have many memories from the first three weeks of my injury. Like, you know, you get out of surgery and then you're just on drugs and then you're like, you just, you just lay around, you know? Yeah. Ah, well, fun new game we've been doing with our kids though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're on this new parent diet, and I have a feeling a lot of other parents do this too, where you order a salad,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, chicken or something like responsible. And then you trick your children and then you eat what they're eating. Like, so you get like half of their pizza. Like, look over there, Juju. And then we work as a team because Juju gets mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one time I pointed at something and then you grabbed it off his plate and then handed it to him. So we gotta work as a team to steal our kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You let them, and mom has a drink, I got you a cocktail last night, dad and mom drink, and then I, we just sit at the end of the hall and watch them run back and forth. And I gotta tell you, I don't give a fuck anymore, I used to be embarrassed about our kids being loud, or boisterous, and now I'm like, you know what, fuck you, like if you don't like this, go fuck yourself. We're not bothering anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you why. You've never been a fucking kid. You don't remember being four and just having so much energy. Or you don't have kids. You're not an adult. Go fuck yourself. Shut up. Don't look at me. Look at yourself. Look at yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, doing really strong. It's really good. I can post on his comments. I posted. That's not gonna last too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, the mommies really can do it. The mommies do important work. Look at that fucking shot, the fun shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's cute. Garth is actually really cute. Sometimes they don't do him up nice though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We knew that he had a dark side when he did that, uh, the alter ego thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris, Chris Gaines, that goth alter ego. So he has a dark side. He's just not in touch with it. Like he doesn't embrace it the way you and I do. Like, you know what I mean? Like I listen to Bauhaus, I get weird, I get dark. You like to watch murder and your shows. Didn't you get into a new thing? Oh, the dictators. You were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it was cool because I got to hear about all the cool guys in history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the, uh, Kim, Kim Jong Un, that's his name, the North Korea. Yeah. I mean, that to me is so surreal to keep an entire country under a veil of complete, um, ignorance to the rest of the world is pretty incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so crazy. That's like, but, but, but I think that's why we love Game of Thrones so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but what's really cool about that is that you get to see, uh, the medieval mindset essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that wild though that people essentially were like that in Game of Thrones and we keep evolving into a kinder, gentler humankind? Theoretically? I don't know, do you think that we are kinder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. I don't know how that's working out for us, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know. You know what though, there's something to be said for deterrence, like, uh, like in Saudi Arabia, for instance, just hear me out. In Saudi Arabia,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once a week they have like public executions or somebody steals an apple off a cart and they cut the guy's hand off and they invite the entire city of Riyadh


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come and watch, we're gonna cut this guy's hand off. What'd he do? He stole an apple. Well, stealing's bad, everybody. So you grow up watching the deterrents, the visual deterrent of like, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't steal. And then, guess what? Saudi Arabia, crime free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, practically, same with communism. I'm not saying that's right, but I mean it does work for crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad always talks about how safe it was during communism in Hungary, even though it was horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crime increasing in the past three years, level low. Look, crime level low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they know, they know that they're gonna get locked up and they're gonna get their hands cut off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the, the communists, my dad said, like, the only good thing about communism is that there was no crime, because the, the deterrent was so strong, like, if you even stole a banana, dude, they put you in a gulag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there is something cool to that, you know what I mean? We could, we could do a little bit of that here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Public execution! Here's the thing, man. We still kill people, we just do it behind closed doors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not televised broadcast with the chomos, especially the pedophiles, public execution. I think it would really boost morale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who gets stoned? The chomos. I think we should be stoning chomos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Castration. Castration. That's what I was looking for. Thank you. But public and painful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. It was so funny, I was watching the Johnny Pemberton episode, which he's so fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, when they were trying to entice people in West Virginia to get vaccinated, it was like, we'll pay for college or we'll give you a free gun. And there's five free guns in the entire state of West Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five guns is nothing, guys. At least up the gun. Up the gun number. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I'm about like, I mean, it's, uh, it's kind of nice. I don't have one yet to walk around. Should I just get one in my purse? You can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My lady gun? Yeah. Are you gonna get one just walking around? Why not? Yeah. People are super nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everywhere. It's just hot. Summer's hot. Unless you're in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta wait until Agent Jeans gives me the okay to use the right verbiage on something like that. Gotcha. You know what I'm saying? You filming what I'm talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I want to think of titles now for the hour because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, nothing's worse than when you're editing and it's like, they, they want the title and you have like a week to come up with something and then you hurry, you know? Like, I wanna do this at a leisurely pace, so you guys, if you, you know, have any suggestions, let me know. I'm, I'm leaning, I am leaning towards my struggle. I think it's pretty accurate, it's pretty good. FGTRTD's another good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Dave Chappelle, but ain't nobody know Christina P like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could title your next special anything. Like, take a shit on my face or, uh, uh, I don't know, broken arm life or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can call whatever the fuck you want, cause you're successful enough now that people would be intrigued. Like, what is Tom Segura fucking, what is he talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bootstraps? Bootstrap nightmare or whatever the hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donks, memes, rocketships, day trading can be a lot of fun, but if you want to grow your long-term wealth and make it to the moon, you should open up a Wealthfront investment account today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wealthfront can create a portfolio of globally diversified, low-cost index funds personalized just for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In minutes, there's no manual trades, no picking stocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No watching the stock market every day. They automatically handle all the investing based on preferences you control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wealthfront is trusted with over $20 billion of assets and you can get your first $5,000 managed for free by going to wealthfront.com slash YMH to get your first $5,000 managed for free for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to Wealthfront.com slash y-m-h. That's w-e-a-l-t-h-f-r-o-n-t dot com slash y-m-h to start growing your savings. Go to Wealthfront.com slash y-m-h and get started today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I missed you, I missed this whole life here. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been a Zoom dog, I've been a house bound, I was house bound for six weeks. Boy, by that fourth week I was like, grrr, grrr, grrr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's a, it's a real sign when like I was wearing like sweaters, like proper wrap up sweaters indoors in Texas in July.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably, yeaah, I do, I think, I think so, I think it- Man, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what, Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe this is the way that we became more uh, connected. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cripple. But then I feel like you took the cripple title over again by this surgery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you came home, when you came home to Austin, I had just done this to my hair, and you, which is pretty drastic, and you were like, yeah that's cool, do you wanna see my photos and my surgery video? Like literally the first words out of your mouth when you walked through the door, I was like, babe, how are you? And you're like, do you wanna see the video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I can't, I can't, like I don't like seeing you cut open and hurt. And then you showed it to me and I was like, this has to be in the heavy segment. This is so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fun, fun souvenir for you to keep forever. Yeah, that's kind of cool. It is good to have pictures from your surgery. I wish they, I wish I could see my breaks actually. I wish the first one had photos and videos. Yeah, me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't done this much. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could see my surgery now too, cause now that I'm out of it, I'm curious about the injuries, like what did I break, and how, and how are you repairing this, now there's all this metal in my ankle, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy, like I'm having to learn how to walk again with metal in me. It's bizarro. It is bizarro. Life is fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eastern blockers do not lie. I bet you she's probably Ukrainian, like Kiev, I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like his patriotism, I like that he's pro-American. Made in America, motherfucker. Go America. Absolutely. There you go, man. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's a real gaga. It's probably like a fig. Like a bunch of figs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you and I are not connecting, like, horrible or hilarious makes you lol, this makes me lol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Framing is impeccable, the lighting impeccable, and I do believe he is a martial arts expert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think this is, I'm fascinated by her and I admire her and I love that she gives a shit about bees. It's just beautiful, such a cool thing. That's so cool, I don't know if people even did this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she has a cool account, uh, her videos are really sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh, do you think I can get a hug without a pat pat pat, a dismissive pat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when I, when someone's not interested in you, we learned this from my TikTok, they hug you and then they go, okay, fuck off, the fuck off pat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to go hug you and your body was like on fire. All that calm was backed up. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she looks like she likes to learn folk songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in case you were wondering, his other talks are weird too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess you're wondering. Look at all the religious stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free Britney! Free Britney! Have you heard of that campaign online everybody? Yeah, I've heard of it. Free Britney! So this is my country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so there's a whole new dive I've been doing on middle-aged...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, to elderly men who have discovered crossdressing. And there's a, there's a, some British men, there's a guy that likes to sit in his garden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he models various dresses. There's a lot of men that like to go to thrift stores and they thrift and then they like to show you the tutu that they bought at the thrift store. And often it does happen in the bathroom that they like to model. And I'm not sure if like the bathroom has better lighting than other rooms in their home, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's neat when you're horny in public, like you let everybody know, like, this makes my dick hard, and you go out into public, and then everyone gets to see what makes your dick hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've seen a lot of the desperate pleas for companionship on TikTok for women and you don't often see the older gay gentlemen looking for gay men. So I thought this was unique in the TikTok sphere. We just haven't seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cool guys are, the cool guys always stay cool. Yeah. It's like, uh, you can try not to be a cool guy, but ultimately you show your stripes. You know who's cool. Yeah. This is a cool angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like the glow of the TV, which is not really flattering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is the guy who likes to wish you a good, have hope you're having a good day, good weekend, good night. I hope you're getting your exercise. Um, he's doing this while they're making the announcements, which is probably not a good time to make a TikTok on the plane. I see a lot of people doing these lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope you're having a good day. I'm having a good day. I'm gonna go, go to South Texas. Like what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a guy next to me on the way back to LA who was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting fucking right next to me and trying to get the perfect selfie of himself at six in the morning. And I'm, you know, he's doing it this way, but then behind him is the window. And then I'm like, what do you, what do you, it's six in the morning. What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's cool, all her, like, she's one of these women who, uhm, she's one of these people that, like, their whole identity is wearing pink. You know, like, she's like, I'm the pink lady, so every single video, she's like, I'm buying a pink shirt, doing the pink thing, eating a pink snack, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not stuck in the car, which implies so many people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, why would you think he's not in America? That's such an interesting thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is when people lose control like that and they address the haters, which fr- and his, you know, how many people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I went down a dark tunnel, guys. I can't, I can't help artistically where I go. It's like, that's where I was. You know, what can I do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want an adult hottie in my lap right now, under 26 right now, no froze, no excuse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use the research on telomerase. Did I put it out eight months ago and then you just go with that ho? Why won't you go with me? I don't need that question answered. I need it right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That bod. You see it. Single, still looking, putting myself out there. Ladies don't just scroll by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, I really like it. I feel like that's a good brand for you. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. It's in Massachusetts at the county fair. Okay. Salmouth, Massachusetts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Videos de mi amigo Norm. En un video saca...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not a cool guy, but he's still awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will have you guys know that disassociate is a word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's another term for dissociate. Okay. They're both accepted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, uh, we traded at our meetings. We just all collect credit card information and then we sell it off to each other every Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, I've never even thought that I could take long. Oh. Like I, it's been beaten in my head that you take short showers and I still. Oh, so it worked on you. I don't understand, I don't even understand what people do in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause after the divorce he just ran through his entire yoga class and he's just like, yeah, this one I don't like cause of this, this one I don't like cause of that. And I'm like, I don't need to know this stuff, dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never watched it, I never saw it in front of him, uh, but yeah, I mean, he would just, he's, like, he prioritized where he lived based on how close it was to the yoga studio. When he went through a yoga phase. Which was right after the divorce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, oh, and he does yoga, so he cares about his health, he didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he has to get physically woken up at the end of the class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know what? Back in the day, I remember I had the hugest thing for, uh, for Amber Heard. But then all the Johnny Depp stores came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she's, yeaah, she's the one that accused him and, and like, there was like, there's just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she like did that to a co- I think she did that to a couple of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think it might still be going on, like, I think, like, yeaah, it's, like, there was all sorts of recordings coming out that Johnny Depp released and stuff. Wow. Uhm, I think Stan Hope retweeted because they're like super close by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Because someone that wants that automatically rules you out of being my dream girl. You wanna fuck my dad the same time you wanna fuck me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then I have the thing of just like, oh great, so now I'm competing with my dad for the girl in my dr- like that's just not a situation I wanna be in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If she's just like, ah Nadav, your dad fucks so much better than you, I think I'm good, I think I'm just gonna stick with that. By the way, I'm sure he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when you're doing, when you're sharing, it's like, you have to, if you're on top, you have to probably get in like super weird positions, at least in the points that I've seen. It's like I don't think my back could handle that. Yeah, you'd have to have that conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I guess I'm not that close of a friend to them then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a different place that we order from where I get the lava, and it's just like, it's like, it's long, but it's thin, like it's manageable, you know? It's still not like, uh, like you're gonna have leftovers for that, but I was expecting something similar in size to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, it was like five pounds of food. It was, no exaggeration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, I normally don't eat a lot on days that we shoot anyways, it's just kind of the way that I am, but, like, uh, I remember I couldn't find a bag big enough to take it home with me, so I had to put it in a garbage bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now my leftover lava smelled like Febreze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Clorox, like one of those big corporations, and she was like, yeah, hey, like I know what goes into that, like you should definitely not be eating that food now. I read that message after I already ate it, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was like, it was so oily too. It was like the paper towel, it would have just soaked through the paper towels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that was the other thing, is that I said we got it from Homeless Bar, and a lot of people heard homeless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So a lot of the messages were also like, how much are you getting paid that you're getting food from a homeless bar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was just raised different. Yeah. You're a take home guy, right? I'm a take home dude. Yeah. Yeah, I don't believe in, like, I understand, yeah, nothing's ever gonna taste, like leftovers is never gonna taste as good as the original meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was also, you know, I was raised in a, you know, you don't pick up a scent, you're not worth a scent type of mentality. So it's like if you're throwing out food, like it's not even like there's kids in Africa that could have eaten it. It's, it's just like a, hey, you could eat that. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could like save 5, 10, 15 bucks, however much it costs, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what's cool is that this lava was so huge that there was regions to it. Like there was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was the humus section where all the humus was, and then there was like the coleslaw section, and then there was like the, oh, there's just dry shawarma here. Like it was, yeah, it had different like zip codes. It was wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I eat trash. I eat out of a trash bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even connect those dots, I was just like, no, it's not, I'm not eating trash, I just brought my lunch home in a trash bag, you guys don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I can't rule it out. Like if I get that lava again, like I, I know how to take it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, cause I also know that you can microwave the smell out, so it's like, there's not even a problem here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it home and I ate dinner, you know, with- from that trash bin. Good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess that's, you know, different. Different. But I was also raised on, like, anything that I would complain about as a child, my dad would immediately be like, he knew someone that died directly from what you're complaining about. Different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I've been thinking about that guy all week and just his torment and how affected he was by people calling him daddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good thing. He thinks it's so gay, it's just like the gays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he said dudes are saying it. I re-listened to it last week and he goes, but all these dudes are like, daddy la lagoon. No, come on, bro. I like girls. I like girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you scratch your beard with it? What kind of glove is that? It looks formal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is it, so how has glove life been for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well she, she popularized those, the stripy shirt. Yeah. That fishermen were wearing. So everybody's like. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then are you not thankful that you had the glove on in a way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you be making your promo posters with your hands now to show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, like I was watching Pride and Prejudice last night, and they like that era. I don't know, was it Victorian or what not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever that is. You know, like Darcy would wear gloves like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now do you wear them when you're driving so that you drive faster? The children are a little concerned. Lots of questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it did. Hands off! And then, I'm way too glad to remind me I can't fuck boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but his was all sparkly and not masculine and yours is very masculine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this guy's making me laugh so hard because I don't know, but I don't know why I'm so amused at how upset he is. Like why do I- why is it so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got his fucking, he's like, oh come on man, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it guilt? Or his rage? He has a moment where he realizes it must be a moment of like, hey this is absurd, I need to also wish the people that like me a good day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not helping. We're not helping. But haven't you ever had that where you carry it for days? Like you get, I get dialed into stupid things too. And I get like into beefs that aren't really real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he hears that though. He's hearing that. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's in your head. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. For sure. I'm trying to think of stuff that upsets me to that level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's exactly what's happening. Like his cousin or somebody saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, maybe my fucking cousin Danny and Downey saw this shit. And he's like, and he's like, what the fuck is up with this? It's his cousin that saw it, bro. That's what it is. Some Vato and some fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So amazing, poor daddy lelogon. Guys, stop calling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop it. How is you- you've been gone so much lately. You've been gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So crazy, cause right now I feel like I haven't seen you since last week, since we recorded this show pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to Indian Appletits and I'll be in Momver, Colorado this week. And the tickets are probably all gone by now. It's going fast. Where are you going? I might add some shows, comedy books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bro. And then I do Raleigh, Charlie Goodnights, one night only, November 4th, uh, Atlanta, The Punchline, November 19th through 20th. Wise guys, Salt Lake City Poodle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio, December 9th through 11th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, Orlando, Florida, December 16th through 18th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't wait. What a weird tour. This has been, this uhm, tour was like all the states that I could book gigs in this time last year. Do you know what I mean? So it's been like a Republican tour. It's been pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a conservative, but they've been great. I'm not saying actually way cool, but it's yeah, these conservative markets, which is so funny. And I've been loving it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Indian Appletits, Des Moines, um, Oklahoma City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, I don't care. I think it's great. It's been fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, but anyway, I haven't seen you much, but you know what I've decided to do? So, I moved the kids upstairs to be closer to us. I know. And I took over Ellis' room, and I had this epiphany, cause I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can make it an office, right? That's what adults do, that you share a bedroom with your spouse and then you might have another spare room and you make it into an office. And I thought to myself, I says to myself, I says, self!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When have you ever done your creative work sitting at a proper desk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never point, never. The only time I come up with something cool is when I'm, you know, uh, in the shower or I'm like sitting down, I'm laying in a recliner, I'm listening to Bauhaus, I'm getting weird. So then I says, why not make yourself a bedroom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like your teenage dream room, the room your parents never let you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it goes, and now I'm making a fucking goth mom room. And I'm gonna make it dark as shit. I've already picked out some dark ass wallpaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm going to goth it the fuck out and I'm going to listen to Bauhaus and get weird in there, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's gonna be all the stuff I've wanted, like I wanna order, you know, remember in Disneyland in the Haunted Mansion, those portraits that change when you go down, like I want weird shit like that in there, a lot of taxidermied animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just I'm dark. You know when I realized the older I get, like, I'm dork-sided. I just like it. And I've been trying to be normal my entire life, and it's just been a struggle to try to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cheerleader, do you know what I mean? I feel like I've always wanted to be a cheerleader, but I'm not. I'm fucking dark-sided, I'm weird. So, I'm trying to just be my real self, you know? Took 45 years before I'm like, you know what, I like weird shit, sorry, that's who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yeaah, you can do whatever you want. That's kind of the Pezhitsky effect of this all, is like, oh, I can just, I can just do what I want. I can, I can make a Goth room. I don't need to put a desk in there and pretend like I'm doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had two, okay. Maybe Nadav. Nadav, will you tell them what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so retarded, like what is, is it my, am I aging? Do I have Alzheimer's? Or is it just like, I think I'm spread thin, like I have two little kids, I'm trying to do too much. There's a lot going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- I just don't have time to be like, is this normal? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had another Pajitski effect. Are you ready? Sure. Oh my god. So first of all, I was blown away last week to learn that boneless chicken wings are not. They don't just take out the tiny wings from the chicken. And when you said it, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's 100% what I wanted it to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it wasn't that, I was like, what the fuck? So I had this other Przeczki effect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So stupid. So as you know, we've had the, the Sopranos kids on Your Mom's Ass. We've befriended them. They now have their, they had a show, they still have a show, sorry, Pajama Pants Podcast. Rob Eyler, Jamie Lynn Sigler, and Kessam G. And anyway, I'm friends with Rob, and I know the guys, all of them, Jamie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm watching Sopranos and as you know, Rob plays the character AJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it finally hit me after being a huge fan of the show for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've seen parts, but not like the whole- Right. I mean, can I guess? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] AJ, just, it's just initials and they call him, like we call, uhm, LJ, our son at Little Jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just his name is AJ. I don't know, maybe it's an Italian thing. Yeah. AJ, get the cabagool or whatever fucking, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm friends with the guy. Like here's the, the, the crazy part is like, I, I love Rob Isle. I could have easily for a long time now been like, what's AJ stand for? And I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Anthony Jr., and she says it in an episode, Anthony Jr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I haven't told him because I want him to listen to this and be surprised by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can see that he attempted at one point to tweeze the middle section and then gave up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dogshit. You know what though, you're lucky because you've got naturally shaped meanies. They're lovely. Yeah, look at those meanies. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got them Joe Jackson eyebrows. He's got the meanies too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at those. So blessed. So expressive. Yeaah. And our, our sons have the, your eyebrows as well. I mean I pay a lot of money to get mine arched like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have they asked you to sniff their butts? I get that and then they pull their pants down and then wag your asses in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Juju's been saying fuck a lot. Fuck! Fuck! And then he looks at me, waiting for me, be like, you can't say fuck. And I just don't, I ignore it now. I'm like, just go ahead and say it. Good luck. Say it at school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did you, so did you feel the demons come out of you just now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are supported by Squarespace. I love Squarespace. I've made many a website myself using Squarespace. Uhm, I even recommend it to my 75 year old father who built a website using Squarespace. Incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's true. It's so easy to use. The templates are lovely. They're just so clean, so intuitive. You know, I hate going to somebody's website and everything's all jumbled up. You don't know where to find it. Uhm, you can, you know, blog or publish whatever you want. You can sell products and services of all kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Promote your business or an upcoming event. Customize the look and feel, the settings, the products and more with just a few clicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions, 24 seven award winning customer support, nothing to upgrade or patch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever. It's so simple and beautiful. So head to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, when I said she looked, I just meant she looks like me. This is not my content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my opener. Now, so she's quoting, what song is this? It's called Fuck the Police. NWA, old classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be kinda tight during gym to hear this song now. It'd be, yea. Like, get me all fuckin' fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you, bitch, you know the song. This bitch is, she's probably my age, like, you know fuck the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I watch these videos a lot on my Instagram feed, parents that go to these meetings and complain about stuff, and some of the complaints are very legitimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one book going around in a school, public school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's like a gay sex scene, I forget which book it's in, and they're like, why are we teaching them about gay sex? They're like fourth graders, you know what I mean? Like, there's no reason to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a graphic scene. It's a, it's a description of gay sex. And it's for like younger kids. So the mom is like, I don't know, I don't think my kid needs to learn about gay sex in fourth grade. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but you don't need to read the sensual description of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thanks Tom. Fuck the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's the deal, man. Your rhythms suck. But now that I hear her, you're right, it's kind of taken out of context, right? So when she's like, fuck the police, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's really good. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah. But it was a very important song. Yeaah. It's a very important thing. But whatever. Karen doesn't approve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fuck the police. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, punk rock too. You dial into boys at the right age. No, the difference is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Well, and also too, like the reason you probably were drawn to it is because it was cool, because it was forbidden, but if they were to teach it in school...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, this is about, right, like everything you just said. That's true, it's also true, it's like when parents, you know, were offended by Catcher in the Rye, or like one scene in some book or a line. Uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm done. That was my stupid thought. I already forgot about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daddylalagoon. What's his new name now? Daddylala?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what they, that's what people were upset about. The catcher in their mind, I think there's a, there's a character, isn't there a character? No, that's the, the Sawyer. N-word Jim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Correct, why is there that? So why are we listening to this song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and he does it so calmly. He's like, la la la. I would be panicked. Let's watch it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, may I point out his absolute lack of safety in the first place? He's a little barefoot. Like, what are you doing, homie? Look at this equipment, like, he's wearing capri pants or something, not even protective. He doesn't give a rip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a crazy way to die, huh? Yeaah. That's probably one of the worst ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say, my, my, the way I don't want to die is in an airplane crash. Why? The amount of terror. But it's just for a moment. Terror of like, and then do you feel your stomach drop? You know when you fall and you're like, oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't want to feel fear before my death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be great. Oh, on the plane? That'd be ideal. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to go, I just want to die in my sleep. I think that's number one. That's like preferred, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a new Brittany Murphy documentary coming out soon. Was she doing hair on? No. So she turns out she was with that boyfriend, Mon Joc.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy who was a real, uhm, sociopath and he was a con artist type of guy and he latched onto her and it said that the toxicology report was that nothing illegal but over the counter pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe she was taking like, you know, some zanies mixed with cold meds and stuff. There's a lot of weird shit going on in that. He kept her in the house and, you know, I don't know. I didn't want to see too many spoilers because I really want to get into it because it wasn't her death so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, she ODs or something? So there's a documentary coming out about it? Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy got ahold of her, married her, and then she was dead, and then he dies a little bit later. He did? He dies too. So let's look at it. Are you gonna spoiler alert me? I mean, spoiler? Whatever, I don't care. Let's see it. Chilling? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he's older than her and apparently he was just a known creeper who would latch on to people and ruin their lives. And then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like he was just kind of known in circles as being a liar too. He would say things like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a brain tumor that I got rid of drinking vegetable juice. Like he would just lie and be a weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, we have to watch the documentary. Interesting. The documentary, as Josh Potter would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, uh, uh, uh, two updates for you. I got a weather update and a dental update. Which one would you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. Well, we need a song for the weather update.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, you know what to do. We need a- a weather song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I've noticed Tom that it is rainy outside and cloudy and it looks like it should be cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's very confusing for me. Yesterday I was sitting in my goth room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was staring out the window and I was like, it feels like it should be cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna put on some sweaters and I can't. It's hot as shit still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't think these Texans are cognizant of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is when you stand on our balcony and you go, give it to me, God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big topics, guys. This one is scandalous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you about my dental hygiene. It's fucking impeccable. I use an electric toothbrush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I floss daily. I get even under my crowns with the dental flossers as we know on this show. And I still floss by the bed and throw them down. So just so you know, go fuck yourselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went to the dentist here for the first time for a cleaning and just so y'all know, I had my cleaning before we left Los Angeles so I know my shit is tight and I just had x-rays done. Okay? So I know I'm in good shape. This new dentist, Tommy, goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! Well, you see this tooth back here? She goes, this crown is lifting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and then the molar next to it has a crack in it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you should put a crown on it so that it doesn't break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, hey, that's fucking bullshit. The crown isn't lifting, you dumb bitch. What it is is that it's fucking 20 years old and it just sits awkwardly. Crowns are horrible to get, by the way. You don't want a crown because they're really hard to floss around, which is why I use those flossers to get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, A, she lied. It's not lifting, you stupid cunt, because I've had my x-rays done several times over the years. Nobody has mentioned this, and I really trusted my guy in LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number two, I'm not gonna fi- So if it cracks, it fucking cracks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then here's the third part, she says. She goes, I go, I'm so afraid of my veneers popping off, you know, on the road or something. She goes, well, why don't we get you a night guard? Cause it looks like you're clenching. And I was like, well, that's the first time I've ever heard that. No one's ever told me I clench in my sleep. I'm very relaxed. I don't sleep clenched. So what are you gonna do about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but listen, so then I go, okay, yeah, let me, uh, let me see what the estimate is on the, the guard. That's the one thing I may do. I'll be like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, protective veneers. Guess how much she wanted for the guard. How much? You're gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourteen hundred fucking dollars. Fourteen hundred dollars for a night guard. Get your life, bitch. Get. Your. Life. I said go fuck yourself, I'm not doing any of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're outta your fuckin' mind. I go, really? I go, it's not lifting, okay? I have a dentist, I just took x-rays six months, it's not lifting, it's that the crown is twenty years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I couldn't, and it was a woman, a mother. I'm very upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't you agree? Why would I put a crown on a tooth that is cracked? She's telling me it's cracked. This is the first time I've ever heard anybody say that nonsense. So what? So let it break, and when it breaks, then you fix it. Don't put a crown on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so angry that she tried to rip me off. I'm the dental queen. I'm like daddy le lagoon. I'm all fucking frothed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, nice lady. I was like, oh, she's a nice lady. I could trust her. Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Did your mouthguard cost you $1400?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But maybe half of that, right? Maybe, yeaah. Maybe $600 max for that kind of a thing? 14, I coulda, I just died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fiverr. Fiverr is a great way to find freelancers to handle bits and pieces of your business


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you may not have the experience to handle yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Draw up a flyer. Well, you can with Fiverr. You can find these people, they're freelancers, uhm, and they do the work for you. Pricing?


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find all the digital services you need in one place at fiverr.com code mom. Again, that's fiverr.com code mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Tom just said that, like in hindsight, we're like, oh yeah, this doesn't seem absurd to you that a wife would say like, my husband's been blowing eight guys on the road. To you, that's a Tuesday. But to us, we were like, ha ha ha, that's so silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now it makes perfect sense and I'm so grateful that you're back and we're just, it's nice when you get to redeem yourself in the comedy world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you're saying that this is a trauma thing, usually when a man


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is not normally into guys will be with other men. Have you, do you see in the male behavior sexually, do you see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men who are not traumatized stepping out and doing this. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think, why does society stigmatize male fluidity so much? What, what is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this isn't, let's talk this through because in, in Greece...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, wasn't it common for men to be with men?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so in the Middle East, isn't it common practice too that, you know, men can't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's much like in Game of Thrones when the Khaleesi figures out how to uh, tame


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her husband, the war guy, right? What's his name? I forget his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, that's what Khaleesi was told to do. The man feels like a dominant force out into the world, but when he's with you, he wants sometimes to be taken care of and to feel submissive. He wants the woman to sit on top of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And allow him to chill and not, not always be in that role. You know, that might be the reason in, uhm, in England, in the UK, that, uh, kink is so popular, like spanking and S&M and all that. It's, that's what the power roles shifted, right? You see judges who like to be submissive in the bedroom and be whipped and spanked and whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stupid bitch! You're so tight!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is really useful information for women, you know, cause I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true because pornography especially too portrays men one way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the man mounts the woman and jackhammers her. Yeah, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I just, I just wanna suck a guy's wiener and it doesn't matter. I'll be like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well, yeah, because we're left carrying, uh, holding the bag. We've got the kids and the reproductive stuff. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that makes sense from a nature perspective then. Why homosexuality is so threatening to the family structure, so to speak, right? Like if you were to be like, I'm gay, I'd be like, aw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, so do you facilitate those discussions between couples? Shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could be a dom- a dominatrix. I could abuse somebody quite easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a real good kicker, I took Muay Thai boxing classes when I was in my late 20s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a big load. So that's all I have to do, doc, is be like, your load's so big, your peen are so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. Yeah, white people are a little, uh, uptight, right? Uh, straights are very uptight. Very squares. Squares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this. You got a lot of, uh, polyamory in your practice. Do you see that a lot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm saying, let's be real, like, how, what percentage of those poly couples last? You know what I'm saying? I can't imagine that really works out long term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, like, the whole time though, like honestly, the whole time, I kept thinking, God, what are Tom's gay inclinations? Like, does Tom have any?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course, the whole time, like, I wonder if he's like thinking about just like sucking dicks and stuff, but then he doesn't say anything. Cause you know, cause you know, I'll be freaked out. Like I legit would be like, ah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we gotta break up the family. Jerk, it's been 17 years, you couldn't have told me about this dick stuff before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying that if you had hidden your dick inclinations, your cock thoughts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think that would upset me a little knowing that you're with dudes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, and look, in comedy you take swings at things. You take swings, you got that. And that's the, that's, and you just saw as bomb, is what you saw essentially is a bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it didn't go as we wanted. It happens all the time. And by the way, yea, in comedy, in life, you swing for the fences, you fucking miss. And we missed. And that was a miss. And you guys got to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we redeemed ourselves and we made friends with them and it's all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, I am breaking the cycle of generational trauma. That sounds like a lot. It is. I go to therapy and I have been for a decade. I advocate it to everybody. It has changed my life completely. There's, there's no reason to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anxious or depressed and talk space makes it even easier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get mental health help now. You know, you can talk to your friends, but they're not qualified to help you the way a therapist is. Talkspace is convenient and it's stigma free, meaning you're not going to feel embarrassed. You're not going to feel like, oh my gosh, who's going to know? Who's going to know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A talk space for privacy and security are their number one priority. The app puts you in a private room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With just you and your therapist, send messages 24-7 and get replies throughout the day. No need to wait for a weekly appointment. Join Talkspace today and start moving forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a single message. Just visit TalkSpace.com and get $100 off your first month when you use promo code YMH at signup. That's $100 off at TalkSpace.com promo code YMH.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you, this is my first time I'm belonging to a community book club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want you to join. You understand? Like there's no such thing as you're not joining the neighborhood book club. So I'm giving it a try. I'm going to be one of these people that has a book club that shows up and I make friends in the community. I'm really trying and the book was really awesome. Um, what was it called again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we'll see how it goes. And I have to leave on time to get to my book club, so. Yeah. I can't believe I'm a person that does book clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm southern now, I wanna try to be normal-ish as I talk about my goth mom den.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we know a book I'm bringing. But, what's his name? Lil' Bougie took it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I didn't realize that. See, this is another Prochitsky effect. I didn't know that in a book club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to recommend that you pick the book. I'm mortified because everything I read is degenerate stuff. If you look at my shelves, it's completely, it is. It's Bukowski, it's philosophy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you recommend? Maybe, oh, what about the four agreements? That's an easy read and that's a nice... Yeah, but they probably, I mean, let me know how this one goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I like Darky. I know. Zizek. We'll see. That's the last thing I was reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like that? That was great. That was a light talk. That was great. Well, cause on the last episode you were chastising me for my dark feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people just listening, they have a baby tied to a bunch of balloons. And he hid behind a wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so grandma was freaking out. Freaking out. Super cute. Aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I know you're saying like, I'm eating my Cheetos, I'm at the beach, but what's the, like what else is he saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got like smoking hot twink bodies. Yea. It's not fucking fair. Cause when you're a biological woman, you're all fucking fat. You know what I mean? Like our bodies carry more fat. It's just not fair. They look so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I imagine the meat's kinda greasy, like squirrels. I don't think it's good meat. Ah, it's rough. They're just, their diets are bad. That is rough. They eat garbage and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cool. I just thought this was helpful because you and I, 90% of the time are in conversations we don't want to be in with people. And this was really neat thing to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's at big D with a little K. So this is the guy originally who I discovered that just farts on Tik Tok and he shows us now he's doing, you know, he's shirtless and that fart was nothing to write home about. I wouldn't have posted that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like his type, I'm not interested. I don't like his goofy facial hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's a teenager, first of all. He looks filthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I don't have a type, I like people on the individual, I don't have a type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who I like? Dirty. I like fuckin', uh, what's that guy? 99 problems. Vincent Gallo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. I like, uh. What do you like about that? Benicio del Toro. Yeah, but Vincent Gallo looks like you. Blue eyes, the beard, kinda scraggly, dirty looking. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I like guys to look like guys. I don't like perfect. Yeah. I like a little gritty, a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah. Look at him, he's so weird. That's you. You don't see you in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Benicio Del Toro and then Ryan Gosling. You always bring up Gosling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? Isn't this wild? Look at his tits, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for, for people just listening, it's this bodybuilder and his, his titties are bigger than mine and he's injecting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing better than this. There's no better TikTok. This is the ultimate TikTok. But hold on, don't go yet.