[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he's just sweating it out at a blackjack table somewhere. His addiction took over. I know that, uh, they, they have opened some casinos. I saw the saddest photos of just people at, um, slots with masks on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I enjoyed it so much. It feels good. Yeah. I miss it. I mean, I don't say I miss it, miss it, but I, I do feel like with, uh, with, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With alcohol, it's a fun thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good one. I liked it post set, get off stage, light one up, that was a great one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quarantine, we're talking about our stages of quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of is, I mean we had the, uh, let's see, there was the, the fear stage of is the world ending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how much people hate hearing that? It's fine. No, no, no, it's not fine. What should I do? I don't know. Why are you doing it though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like four or five times now where you're like, and then, hrm, hrm. So I'm just wondering if something's going on, that's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an internal anxiety, that uhm, that like I, first it was just an anxiety that I tried to quiet, so it was a low level hum, you know, hmmm. Right. Where I was like, bad things are happening, hmmm. Ignore them, hmmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was sort of like I, uh, I don't know what to do with myself I would say is one stage of it. Like what do I do with myself? If I can't work at stand up, what can I work in? Then I found things to work in. So I put together a book proposal, you know, we were working on a development pitch. So it was like put your energy into other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Creative things, podcasting, so it was like, find new places to work in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a shopping phase of quarantine. It was more towards the beginning. In the beginning I was, I started to buy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll type t-shirts, pants, shoes about a bunch of sneakers. And they kept arriving at the house week after week. I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, why are they? Like what? You know, then I realized that it was like a, like a reaction. It wasn't like a necessity thing. It was like doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I had a real like thing of, uh, exercise because I, um, I actually had a fear of getting super fat in quarantine. And I know that people have, and I know people who have gained weight. So I was like, I don't want to be one of those people. So I got on, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meal plan and a workout plan and I start, I got really into it. Uhm, then this, just the last weekend was terrible. Like the eating and drinking was, it was a bad weekend. I'm saying like for food and booze. I just felt like I went crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm doing everything right, but I'm having these three glasses of wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, I'm exhausted. I'm so tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who's not tired? Do you remember this guy from a few weeks ago? Uhm, he had this, uh, thing about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, this guy's great. What about him? Well, he has a new video. Oh! A different topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I feel like, uhm, he's also maybe not connecting to something, which is that, uh, he could still be Russian. Andrew, uh, Russian Jew?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are saying I'm Russian, I'm not. I'm a Jew. Like, I mean, you could be Russian. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. It's like if somebody was like, I'm not Chinese, I'm Jewish. I just happened, uh, I was born in Beijing. And you're like, yeah, no, you're still a Chinese Jew though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know if he's gonna, I hope he addresses maybe his country of origin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know if all the cursing is necessary to like, I don't know why it has to be a fucking Jewish prayer book and as opposed to this is my prayer book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel like that it's necessary to say that I'm, people are saying I'm Russian, but I'm not. I'm Jewish. Does that make sense?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't like being, he doesn't like identifying as Russian. It's almost like he's fluid identi- you know he has a fluid identity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's possible. I just don't know why he so hates his mother tongue and origin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Isn't that a weird thing though? When somebody goes, I'm not, I'm not from my country of origin, I'm my religion. And you're like, but that's a religion. You're still, you know, would identify.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so there's another one that's kinda cool that he had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hehehehe. He talks. So I realize that he just, he enjoys the word fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is my fucking kipa for my fucking head, and I'm not fucking Russian. Wow. Alright. So he's just fired up. He's fired up. And maybe, like you said, uh, R-word. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I forgot, uhm, to mention is, uh, one of my, my, one of my ultimate, my latest stages of quarantine. Yes. Is that I'm really into chiropractic videos on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch them in bed, I watch them, like, to wind down, like, get home. You know, when we get home today, I'm gonna go downstairs, work out, and when I'm done, I might watch some of these for a while. So weird. Yeah. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. And it is, I mean, I guess there's a, people are, you know, ASMR kind of thing. I don't have that, but it's like, I enjoy the, uh, oh yeah, Dr. Joseph Cipriano, I watch his stuff all the time. Uh, he's in, is he in South Carolina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, yeah, I just, this is a compilation. Sometimes I watch a full adjustment. So they come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They check you out, right? They, they see how you're standing. Oh, this shoulder's up right here. And they see obvious things and they lay you down. A lot of times this doctor and a lot of them will lay the feet next to each other and see that one is longer than the other. Oh, your right side is two inches here. We're going to adjust your hips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I find it very relaxing. I find it very relaxing to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's almost like you feel like it's happening to you and you can identify with the relief that the patient feels. And I also find it fascinating that these


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doctors, uhm, you know, so understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you make that bigger? Is there any way you can, like, increase the, uh, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay. So chiropractors must earn a doctor of chiropractic degree and a state license


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I would like to do? Is maybe take our staff and adjust all of them for free. And just see what the results are. Like I've watched plenty of videos. I kinda know what I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I definitely can crack your guys backs. Uhm, I'm not so confident in my ankle work, but I do feel like I could uhm, I could really work wonders on your necks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, I feel like up first we should have Potter so that if I make any mistakes, I feel like he'll be the most forgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Like, I'll get him a real cool chair, like the kind you can blow in to make it move. And uhm, I'll get him one of those, uh, I'll get him one of those eye things where when he can look at the letter, and then the computer will be like, A, C, A. And that's how he talks to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how they do the next. The other thing the chiropractors are always telling you and they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let me do it. And they'll like crash something. And then they're like, okay, you're, just let it go. I've got you. I'm in control. And then the person's still like that. And they're like, okay, you're, you're, you got to, I've got your arm. Okay. I've got it. And they're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I guess it's things that I want cracked on me. Ugh, I don't like it. Which one? So, back. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you want to get into a couple of these emails real quick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, about a week ago, we asked the question,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That we were desperate for answers for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought so too. It just depends on, uhm, I guess on the person. So are you ready for this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey mommies, Christina's points for why butt stuff would be more tiring makes sense if you're someone like her that's not into butt stuff. Not into it. But I'm not Christina. She sees the prep as a chore, I equate it to the excitement of getting ready for a junior high dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you did, but just relax. Like Tom says, anything is possible with lube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christina's v- Christina's v's contentment with I've been there, I've done that, is I'm- is my I'm bored. Anal sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, I'm currently watching episode 558, and to answer your question on buttfucking, it's way more tiring. I'm an escort, have been for years, and can take a number of dicks on the daily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And anal bookings are another level. It takes a lot out of you and I'm not exactly sure why, but I remember a day when I had a particularly heavy anal day and I was physically exhausted for a few days afterwards to the point where I haven't done anal since.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Because you're, every, like, when you, like, when the average person goes, oh man, I gotta, like, give myself the enema. Abby's going like, I get to give myself the enema.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another email. After hearing your question last week, I talked to my wife since we buttfuck a lot, like once a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her answer was blowjobs are the most tiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Butt fucking and vagina fucking are about the same. However, when I asked her to really make a call on it, she said vagina pounding is more tiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason is because she only lets me put it in the butt when she's really excited about our sex and the vagina can get dull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm going longer than she wants sex to last, but that does not happen often. Hope this helps Sam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of goes back to the same point. If it's a thrill for you, why would it be exhausting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Hello Jeans, recently watching the podcast. You asked if one gets exhausted from butt sex. I'm here to answer that question. It is no. I personally prefer...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just need good lube. Uber lube is a personal favorite and a good partner. If you have a partner who knows what they're doing, you won't even need lube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also possible to achieve orgasm through anal sex. P.S. Keep feathering it. Emily. P.P.S. If you have any more questions, feel free to call or email. Alright, Emily. I'm sure the staff won't abuse that number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope my insight can be aired on the show. Anal doesn't physically tire me out, but emotionally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels more aggressive and the orgasm is deeper, very emotional afterwards. Kinda like how talking, kinda like how taking a difficult brown can drain you emotionally, but in reverse. I hope this makes sense and gives you a deeper perspective on the issue. Thanks for reading, Bethany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand, and I think more to the point of these ladies that do, it's about what excites you. You know? What do you love? What feels good? And obviously, you know, like they said, if you love what you do for work, you don't want to go to work any day in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you, if anal, if you like anal, then you should never not do it, cause it feels good. I think that's the old saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you what's a, what is crazy that I did not at all expect? And this is the truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a number of people that were like, yeah, I also wait to brush my teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like some of them, you look at their profile picture and they look like a seemingly normal person. And their argument was they're like, well who brushes their teeth before coffee? And they're like, I'm gonna have breakfast. Why would I brush my teeth before breakfast? And you're like, so you wake up with morning mouth and you're like, just gonna kinda get my day started without cleaning that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that shit was just closed and now, hey man, how about if you're, if your whole thing is, I don't want coffee and mint. I got a wild idea. How about you rinse your mouth with a little water after you brush it? You know, maybe count to 10 and let it go away and then have coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am absolutely in fear to hear what his perspective


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, I cannot believe this is like a, that this became even a discussion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not only one flavor. If mint is your issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's uh, there's like the neutral flavor ones, you know, like the arm and hammer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to be like, well I just don't like mint. Great, don't buy mint flavored toothpaste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he doesn't wear underwear. Never wears underwear. So, whatever is sweat and funk. Do you think he's like a thorough wiper? Like where he's like, I gotta make sure, I gotta make sure that paper's all white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right, right. You shake with your left hand because you wipe with your right. Yeaah. So it's not culturally- I don't know if that's even true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, was, uh, but this was like kinda, I mean, it's not exactly the same thing, but, so there was this girl, I was a sophomore, and we, we had, there was different housing, like freshman we lived in,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dorms, sophomore year you can move to this, uhm, these buildings that are like condo units almost. And they're in a, like in a plaza. And so across the plaza this girl lived and I, I met her and she was like kind of wild child. Like, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, whatever. She was, she was nice. She was kind of, uhm, you could tell she was kind of a wild child a little bit, you know? So we, we hung out and, uh, I think we went, we had dinner. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get a feeling in your gut, she's like, this is a bad one. And she's like getting comfortable in the bed. And I was like, I gotta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there could have been, I could have been like, I'm gonna use your bathroom, but I was like, I don't know what this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So instead of being like, I'm gonna shit and come back or I gotta grab something. I was just like, I'm gonna go back to my place. I got a, I got an early morning, you know, this is only like the first time we went out or second time. I was like, there'll be more opportunities. So I went back and here's the thing. I shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, two guys live on the other side, so you share that bathroom. They, they came, they knocked on the door and they're like, what the fuck's going on in there? And I was like, what? And they're like, what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I'm taking a shit. They're like, that's coming out of your ass. They thought like something had broken in the bathroom. And then I looked down. It was just all black. It was not. Yeah, it was. It was. Why was it black? I don't know. That's dried blood, babe. Well, maybe it was blood, but it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so, but here's the thing, it was so intense. It was like that girl was describing, like it was so intense that I felt emotional afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was thinking of, do I go now, do I try to go back to her place? No way. No, no, I was like, this is way too crazy. And I also don't know if there's a second wave coming. So yeah, I had to take a shower and I was like, oh my God. It was, and the sex was right there. I mean, it was waiting. Um, and then here's the thing. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It never came to fruition with that girl. And then like a year later, not even maybe nine months later, I was back in that area early for the next year of school. And she, and she was at a party and she'd already had a kid. So she got pregnant between that time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not a gross thing, but another girl that I was like making out with and blah, blah, blah, and didn't, like I didn't go, like I was, you know, she was like, oh no, and I was like, alright, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She went to a different school, and the next time I asked about her, which was a while later, they were like, oh she just had a baby. Damn. I always think about those, like, that would have ruined, that would have ruined her life. Could have been you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life ruiners. Yeaah. That would have been like 18, 19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it just, it's so unorthodox to me. It just is, it more, it more stands out to me as just strange because I'm like, what are you, what are you talking about? Like, how do you have other separate sheets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think of divorce, I just think like, oh wow, I've just never heard of that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a cool room with a blanket over me. That feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's always like that though, that the uhm, the person with the nice family setting goes, fuck this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know why that happened. Uhm, this is kind of interesting, this video. I haven't seen it, but the topic, uhm, here, I'll just show it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this individual has, uh, multiple personalities. So they're listing off...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not just the personalities, but the preferences and the gender preferences and identities of these different personalities. Dissociative identity disorder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot. That is really quite a lot, yeaah. Pretty impressive. Pretty interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a lot of personalities. I mean, they listed at least 10 names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty exciting stuff. Congratulations to you and everybody that lives inside of you. Uhm, also, a huge update from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You mean, better in a dove? Oh my god. That is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to folks that they have close emotional connections with. In other words, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed. I feel like that is so lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I mean, I bet you that's way more rare with men. They're like, I just don't feel sexual attraction. I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by Quip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My absolute favorite. You probably have a lot of things now that are delivered right to your door. It could be food. It could be toys. It could be a hose. It could be a wrench. It could be anything. It's all delivered, which is so convenient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you can join over 3 million happy customers and practice good oral care easily and affordably with Quip starting at just $25 and if you go to getquip.com slash mom right now you'll get your first refill free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your first refill free at Get G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom quip the good habits company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, looks like Tony didn't take his own advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows what it was. And now he's back. Uhm, yeaah, he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's doing much better now. Uhm, also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. Uh, obviously we're huge, huge advocates of, uh, uh, rubber ball champagne. And he has gone to great length to share his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I discovered this accidentally. You type in his address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is about his address. It's just I'm looking for a lease in the keys, anyone home here now. Hey guys, I'm a local guy who provides you with relevant tips to improve your Google Maps experience. If you'd like to try it out, try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try Apartment 2C. That's if you type in 2395 Wagner Houses. Uhm, notice the big uptick in the gang ex-con presence. Not that I'm complaining. Also bird is fa- People giving like fucking five star reviews to that address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the amenities are nice though. Um, it's just like so many, uh, what is this? Oh, it says it more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, there's tons and tons of, cause these aren't actually the ones that I, uh, sent him. I'm not surprised that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. And then there's, there's reviews. There you go. That's what I sent him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen to Key, that's mostly what you gotta know, but Robert's so much more. Keep going down. Amazing, fresh, warm drinks. I was homeless for a bit, got locked up since I got out of jail. Robert gave me a free Listen to Key. Hit see all reviews. Scroll, scroll. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is what I'm talking about, this is so great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. A pin drop or whatever the fuck. It was a nice apartment but the dude refused to put pants on. Other than that I couldn't complain. My favorite one is here from Ryan. I was told if I wanted to move in I could move in. Not sure what I was missing but I was only met with expecting looks. Weird vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the other thing I wanted to send you. Uh, oh, our buddy, the fucking, the best, our boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eating a rooster, what's another word for a rooster?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little touch up there on the OG tat. And that's, uh, I'm sure the same guy that we spoke with did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and he's been doing a face, the face app, uh, so you can see him as a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sissy Pig, Norman Summerton. Wow, he actually, that face app thing really looks effective on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that the uhm, on his stomach, some of that discoloration is from cigarette burns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really does it hardcore. Uh, by the way, you know that closing song that people flipped for? Fart Simpson did it with uhm, well he put the song together. They made a music video with uhm, with Mr. Clavicles. What? And the video


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure they've posted it, they should have posted it on Twitter because that's where it can, can live. But I'll just give you a little taste of it here. Uhm, it's an, it's unbelievable the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what a great duo. So that's uh, Fart Simpson and Mr. Clavicles. That is just the perfect song and video. Uhm, if you guys want to see it in full, like I said, we should, we'll try to provide the link to where they've posted it on social media, cause I'm sure YouTube would not be fond of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think there's a little extra clothing there. Yeah, attachments. Little extra meat covering. Yeah. But you know, there's still some meat in there. There's still meat, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we can't go without, uhm, before we break here, without pointing out that, uh, I feel like we really opened people's eyes when we had Pierce on here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, people have absolutely flipped about him putting his balls in his ass and talking to us about it and uhm, yeaah, so somebody said, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, Tom and Kristen, I was intrigued by your balls in the ass clip. I decided to give it a shot. Despite having a pretty good hang, I was unable to stretch them far enough back for insertion. I did, however, press them into my taint rather firmly at times, and not surprisingly, it hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can get your balls in your ass, what else are you putting up there? Dave in Toronto. Well, Pierce has put a lot of things up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, that's the thing that I have not stopped telling people, um, who have asked me about him and they're like, you know, oh my god, you met him. And I was like, yeah, do you realize that he's put his balls in his ass and then been fucked with his balls inside? And I see people's faces just kind of go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they don't know even how to react. They're like, I didn't, no one had ever floated this idea to me before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very good point. Uhm, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back with everybody's favorite comedian, friend, streetwalker. Lover. Everyone's friend? Everyone's friend. Wow. The sweetest guy we've ever met in our whole entire life, Josh Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine if TikTok, the greatest source of information and entertainment that has ever come into our laps becomes banned in the United States?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While India has vowed to retaliate, it lags far behind China in military and economic power, leaving it with few options, but Chinese telecommunication and social networking companies have long-eyed India's giant market and its enormous potential. About 50% of India's 1.3 billion citizens are online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chinese apps were stealing and surreptitiously transmitting users' data in an unauthorized manner to servers which have locations outside India.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean that is a, that looks like he's got like triplets in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's this thing, uh, Burt claims that of all the sports and, and, and, you know, activities that he is, uh, a master in, which he claims to be a master in many, that baseball is his shit. That's what he's like, that's what he's good at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Burt could play. Burt might be thinner than him. Yeah, that's true. Burt has that hard round belly. Burt's tall. And this is that same thing, that round, hard, like I've been, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, can you pull that up, low calorie Kool-Aid, and let me know, like, what the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Kool-Aid, there it is, I think that's the one, right there, the low calorie mix, that's what he drinks. Uhm, I don't know what the actual, like nutritional information is on that, but that's what he loves, he drinks the low calorie one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that one. Okay, so there it is. It's low calorie, right? Five calories per serving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, no, he's doing a gallon, but, but I want, okay, does it say there? Yeah, can you make that bigger by chance? I don't know what that says. Okay. So maybe he's not so bad. Uh, the sodium is going to add up because that's per serving and a serving is probably what, eight ounces?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right there. Uh, yeaah. Six, six milligrams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's old school. Oh, is that right? Yea, that's old school. In the 50s, they'd be like, did you eat breakfast? Get the fuck out of here. They didn't let you get on a plane like that. They would measure your waist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have seen, I have seen a couple, you know, two bills and, and, and, yeah, yeah, yeah. But in the sixties, that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's on that drop down people ask thing, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what year it changed because it had to have been, I'm guessing like, no, cause they used to like measure their waists. Oh, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They still do it in some of the international. Yes, the European countries. And you get on like Cathay Pacific and you're like, whoa, everybody is like dialed. Uh, I mean, and the, uh, I flew, uh, what's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that shit looks like the 60s. Yea, they had, I mean, yea, and they were fully, like, the uniform was perfect, the big smiles, and they, there was no dogs. Yea, they had dimes galore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's some animal they had become a model of this fat fucking, it was, it was like, she had like a beard and, and, and she was like, I don't know, she was six different genders and she was the new, like. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something like that. I don't know what it is, but it was, it was very upsetting. It made me go like, oh, never wanna buy that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, God, he must be just, she, her pussy must be just made of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they haven't disputed it though. It's not disputed. This has been approved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He'd be, that's what Will would be like. He's like, uh, and then I get up, he's like, hey man, bring me a drink. Yeaah, yeaah. What you got in there for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How old is this guy? What's it say? What's his age? 27. She's in her 50s. So he's poutin' out them waltz and they came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, you were, you were famously, uhm, you were really not doing well with quarantine and the lack of stand-up. Then you got to do stand-up a few weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how is, like we went over our quarantine stages. Are yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I feel closer to you because I picked up new glasses this week. Yea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna do, you know what I wanna do? I wanna do a post zoom interview with him where I'm like, what was it like having someone like Josh in there? He was like real juiced up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, oh it's a football bat, oh it's a replay, that's cool. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I'm glad you're, glad you're doing well, man. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. Alright, you guys wanna take a quick break before our guest comes? Let's do it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is also brought to you by ExpressVPN. Have you ever watched The Office? If you have, you probably know it's based on a UK series also called The Office. But what if I told you there are nine other countries with their own versions of The Office that you've never seen? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you probably didn't know about them because they're not usually available in your country, but you can access content available around the world with no geo restrictions when you use ExpressVPN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So ExpressVPN lets you control where you want sites to think you're located. You can choose from nearly 100 different countries, giving you access to content that isn't available in your region. If you like watching shows or movies, ExpressVPN is a must have. Less than $7 a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] PressVPN lets you access thousands of new shows and movies on Netflix, Amazon, Prime, Disney+, and so many others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So get the most out of your streaming services today at ExpressVPN.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you use our link, you'll get extra, you'll get extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Again, that's expressvpn.com slash your mom, expressvpn.com slash your mom to learn more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we are back with one of our all time favorites. You know him well from his show here on our very own YouTube channel. You know him from television and radio. He is Dr. Andrew Tyrone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a recent, uh, episode that I believe at this point the audience would have seen where you saw some very, very disturbing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an actual like, uh, excitement yesterday. No, after getting home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the one that really, really got to you yesterday was the corn on the cob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that's really serious. But yeah, the quality, it's funny you said the quality of her stool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe instead of being chocolate, just lots of blood is in there. It could be, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't want to give too much away, but it's a combination of what you're seeing now. White and brown. White and brown, and then uhm. My least favorite sort of things together to go in the mouth. It has elements of violence and severe personal injuries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people with anoxic nosia don't have the choice to see what they do not. Right. It's a biological thing. It's not willfully neglected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, by the way, every time, I mean, we've talked about it at length, I feel like it's so underappreciated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think, yes, and I think a big part of it is that technology allows people to believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that, and I feel like that's, um, it's a little aggro, but it's needed for those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing is a patient comes to see you. One thing is a parent brings you their child. Yes. And how many times do you have parents who are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I mean, I can even tell you when my dad was sick like a year ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would be in the hospital visiting, and my sister, who was really an advocate for him though, would sometimes say to, you know, uhm, a doctor in a, in a clinic, like in a high level hospital, like, don't, like don't use that tube for that, that's bothering him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would see him and be like, I would just like quickly be like, no, you can't worry about it. But I'm assuming to some, they're like, you know, we deal with this shit every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do Bill and Melinda Gates want to kill the population?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, you're just trying to kill black people. That was the conspiracy that came out. Seriously, they were like, the gates are just trying to murder. Well, it literally was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what happens, uhm, what if it explodes in the homeless population and we just kind of let it run its course and then I would say, I would say ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura. And then when it starts getting into like people in homes, we go, all right, here's all the medicine. And then we kind of like solve two problems at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say something though. If you were to run for office, think about what would happen with our viewership and downloads. Huge spikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we get to that, should we have some things to ask about that? Uhm, you gave us a lot of, uhm, insight on Fedsmoker. Oh yea. I don't know if you ever- May rest in peace. Just to refresh anyone's memory if they don't know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But here's why, the reason I brought this up was actually not even for this video. It was to show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently somebody is, sort of saw Fatsmoker as a nemesis, and we found that person. He made videos, like kind of calling Conald out. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like he's straight out of a western or something. Like he just took off the gear and he's just relaxing in the trailer now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, when he, when it was first rumored that he passed, uhm, everybody, like we learned his name then. Yeah. Yeah, cause uh, Connell, well I think it's actually more, makes more sense in line with the meth thing than this guy saying he's being a pussy. You know, he had like, uh, 20 YouTube channels. So he would upload them to different channels all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel about, um, somebody going from a, like say, let's say a hardcore drug to just being like, Hey, I just want to smoke. Can I smoke weed all day? Is that better than doing it? It's better. Yeah. So you tell them, yeah, do that then in some cases. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just stay with that, perfect. Isn't there kind of a version of this with Joey Diaz though? Like he used to do heroin and then cocaine. Did he really? Oh yea, and cocaine, that dude was like major cocaine, right? Yea. Right, yea, I mean he was doing like 8 ball a fucking day and he said...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've never, okay. But he was like, Joey was like, you know, over 400 pounds. He said he was just like, you know, smoking a pack and a half, doing co-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but now, like what Joey's, you know, he's very public with, I'm not revealing any secrets, is that he, you know, he goes heavy on the edibles, but I've always viewed it as like, yeah, I mean, that's better than him being on any of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. That's what I thought. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he can handle insane levels of, I mean, he gets fucked up on them, but I'm saying like his threshold is way higher than anybody else's I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like way higher. Now, have you ever seen this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I sort of think you're rare I mean when you talk to people have been together you guys been together with almost 30 years or something 23 almost 40 years almost 40 years crazy, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is happening? Maintain your relationship. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's our low end, that's our low end. You get two to three, sometimes four times a week blowjobs? For starters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have any, I mean, how old are you? I'm sweating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No neuropathy. I don't even know if 61, yea you have no neuropathy issues at all. Neuropathy? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the guy that he came four times. I don't know, that's the, I mean, cause I know if you, if you, if you want to see me go from a limp dick into a hard dick, I just spoke some meth and it cut me down. Oh yea, for sure. But, do you, so, I mean, is that normal for a 61 year old man, for you to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. I would never guess it either. You're getting that sloppy top four times a week. I mean, that's impressive, bro. That is dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, two to three times a week, if you're getting two to three times a week, uhm, I think that's actually kinda good for a political campaign if you do run for office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then it shows like an Asian and a Latino and a black person. And then, yeaah. And then it just shows your hard days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and I think actually what this appearance and this message really tells people is put the burden on the wife some. It's on her. She's the one. Some? Yeah, I mean, yeah, she's taking care of you. It's like almost every wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually, actually it's a great analogy because what happens is when somebody who you look at as, you know, uh, more established, educated. Haven't you destroyed me enough? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I do. But you know when you're a kid and you see your teacher, like at the supermarket, you're like that. You have another life, like you have a complete life. It feels a bit like that, like you're Dr. Drew, you're smart, you're articulate, you teach us things, and then to know that you're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bustin' nuts all over all week. It's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can still fuck. You can fuck more, and you can put it in people's butts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next time you go to butt town and you pound, do you think it's more tiring for her? Yeah. To get butt pounded or vag slammed? Seems about the same. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has been, like, we were just talking about the stages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Dr. Drew, OnlyFans, are you serious? Where first you're just like, I'm going to the grocery store, I'm doing this, and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm gonna crank one out real quick, you guys wanna watch? You'll see a huge uptick in your subscriptions. It's a new world, Drew, all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has. So what he, he hasn't tried it all at once. He's tried the penis. He's had the tip of it in there and he's had both balls in there. I know that. And he's had both balls in there and then someone else's dick in there. And then he's had both balls in there and put his dick in someone else. Yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell him about your cream of wheat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, and there's a lot of things that we, like sometimes it's like this, sometimes it's these like parking lot confrontations and people get, and then you, then they just get in their car and drive away and you're like, fuck, that person's on the road. It's really nutty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. You did see him? Yes. Do you, what do you think's up with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, it's very interesting that you bring that up because he put out another video. No accent. No, he put it out with the same accent. Very, very upset that people were commenting that he's Russian. He's Czech. He doesn't reveal. He's Jewish. He just says I'm Jewish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said he'll block anybody that says Russian in the comments. So he's Israeli? Well, doesn't identify as that. He just says that he is, he's really, really upset about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's interesting to make it, to say like, I'm not Russian, I'm Jewish, as if that's your country. Also those are exclusive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, real quick I wanted to bring uhm, so the people's attention. A lot of people...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, uh, amazed at how fast the, uh, the Two Bears hat sold out as were we. It has been reordered. It's a partnership with New Era.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there's a new thick boy hat, uh, 10 milligram Tom. There's scrum master tees. If you have earned them, you can wear them. You can't wear your scrum master tees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scrum Master has the mouth open, the tongue out, certified Scrum Master. It means that you eat the booty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Bridget Clock with Charo on it. Uhm, Talked, Locked and Ready to Rock is very popular, uh, if you're a big Talk fan. There's the YMH, like the official YMH gear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, has the logo on it in all denim, in black and white, and in female cut. So we've been asked, for many people, asked for the female cut. I want more products for my show. Yeah, we can do it. Come on now, let's do it. There's the mommy's friend shirt. I'm jealous, ooooh. Also male and female. There's new mask, pig mask. If you're gonna cough, leave the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta write, we should talk about that, uh, real quick. So the Charo mug, remember the one that I had, we had to petition Charo? That sold out immediately. You had to go to her? I had to bribe, I had to give her an iPad Pro to release the merch. But it was worth it, it sold out in 24 hours and has been restocked, so you can get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's also, uh, the Christina plea, where my mom's at Tumblr. And of course, uh, the koozies, save home if you sick, come over if you're sick. Problems make me sick. I'm so far behind. I've got just the four stroke stuff. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of stuff. Well, this was reached like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The store as you knew it, uh, was, uh, was kind of revamped. So there's a whole bunch of new stuff. It really looks like high quality stuff too. Yeah, there's some really good stuff in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sell it right there. Absolutely. Merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we could find some of these guys, man, he's one of them. He's one of the cool guys. We don't know, we just need to know where some of these people reside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty cool. It's a really eye opening. I wear his costumes. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked him a couple times and he said, well, you know, different guys. I don't think so. Rest of anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very important to manage your coughs. And uh, listen to Dr. Drew after dark, watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every week here on the Your Moms House Podcast YouTube channel, uhm, you'll see Dr. Drew and mostly Christina with him. It's a great show. Yes. You guys cover a lot of, uh, I love the, you know, just the way you, cause that's why we love having you on here. Like just getting explanations of things. You're so articulate. You're so informed. Uhm. Christina told me the truth. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Dr. Drew everybody, thanks for watching, we'll see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi everybody, it's Sir Ezra and welcome back to What's in My Toy Bag. Today I'm showing you my hood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, uh, you know, allowing them to feel dehumanized or humiliated and things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now for those of you not familiar with the term testicle, I think we should explain that the testicles are those two round balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm Scott Baio asking you to please, take good care of yourself and have a great life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Belt? Testicles are those two round balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. You know, this is the type of guy you get. I love him. Yeah, he's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fantastic for mobile. Most people are going to look at your website on their phone and it has the perfect, uh, layouts. They're just fantastic. Their customer service is unbeatable. Uh, there's never any plugins, you know, you ever go to your website and they're like, you need to do a plugin. You're like, what's a plugin? I have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Customer service, uh, is fantastic. Pre insecure hosting, built in search engine optimization and analytics that help you grow in real time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can customize the look, feel, settings of products with just a few clicks. Super easy. So what you're going to do, try it out, go to squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really nice. But we're gonna have to start saying y'all now, which is gonna be difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I really liked about Austin though? Is they're not hysteria about COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, that sounded like a different word. Didn't mean that to sound that way. But that swab was aggressive. Let me tell you, that guy swabbed my mind. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one guy who was so close to us who was talking and he was larger, heavier gentleman and he was sweating profusely sweating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's talking at us and I was like, whoa bro, you just slow your roll homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a joy. He's such a breath of fresh air. I really enjoy having him on. We gotta have him back soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does seem like an official cool guy. Here's the deal, man, though, is that because I don't really have a great ass, I don't really look at asses on other people. I've kind of just written myself out of the ass game. Babe, you have a great ass. I don't. It's a shelf. It's not an ass. I've got tits. The Lord blessed me with tits, but no ass. And that's fine. I'm fine with it. But do you... You know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Tom, it's funny you mention this because Matt S has submitted this and I think it's just fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Likely home of many Cool Guy Club members, I've taken it upon myself to draft, on a pro bono basis, the attached YMH Cool Guy Application Form 2395.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regarding the video, uh, I can, I can confirm to you that he's speaking Romanian. Oh wow. Now I thought Ukrainian. Fucking gypsy. Yeah, judging by the accent, he's very likely from Transylvania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, word by word he's saying, oh fuck your mother's god, I have shat myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we Romanians send you all the best and hope your country doesn't burn down to the ground because that would mean that the Russians will probably fuck us up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck us in the ass in the future. You got it, Claudio. Thank you so much for submitting this very important piece of news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need to bundle up. Get naked and use your cold body to cool him off while he warms you up. And while you're at it, eat his ass. Do your wifely duty and make him come harder than RPC. Quit being a scared little bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I understand what he's saying is that it's silly cause you, you, I was, I forced you to cuddle with me two days ago. Your body was so on fire. You keep saying it. You really are a meteor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you cuddle for a minute and then we fuck? Give me five minutes of cuddling at least. Women are stupid! When you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of uh, hurting my stomach, I filled it up with so much food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's another one. This is in the drops folder, Segura. So, ready yourself. Hey Janes, I was moved by Tom's beautiful transition story from Tom to Tammy. As a fellow bearded guy and tennis player, I can relate to the story. And don't feel my mediocre tennis talent is celebrated enough because I'm a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That being said, I have another rare talent and that is transforming Tom to Tammy by the magic of drawing. Uh, this is Beat Me Lean fan from Denmark. Oh, that is amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, looks like a fart wind. And then your pony is ridiculous. Your pony's eeeew. That's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Immediately. Well like, here's the deal, is that in today's culture,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't refuse you. If you're like, I identify, I am a woman, here I am, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there are a lot of superior female tennis players, we're not saying that. But I'm saying that we put you on the women's team and you could destroy the bottom players.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And get all kinds of sponsorships. I think it would be really fun. I think you should ruin your life and try this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm happy for you too, I must say, because Foosball is back. As much as I hate it when you watch the football game, I was really happy that you were watching the game and enjoying yourself and you and your dad call each other and you guys talk about the stupid game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice. It's really nice to see you enjoy that, and I think it's good for morale for this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When's the last time you got rewarded for brushing your teeth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With Quip's new smart electric toothbrush, good habits can earn you great perks like free products, gift cards, and more. You've probably heard us talk about Quip a million times, uh, but this is something brand new that rewards you and your mouth. The Quip Smart Brush


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, challenges, like you get into a good tooth brushing streak. You can redeem this stuff for rewards. Come on now, free products. It's pretty cool. And also we love the children's toothbrush. You know, when the kids watch us use our quips, they, they want to use them, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's grab them right out of my hand. So now there's a kiddo one, which is, you know, got the size down features, small brush head for small mouse. It is awesome. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start getting rewards for brushing your teeth today and go to getquip.com slash mom right now to get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash mom spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mom quip. Better oral health made simple and rewarding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because I think that in, in secret, like in everybody's secretly at home, when you see


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Packers, the Green Bay Packers, immediately, I assume everybody goes, oh yea, the Fudge Packers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, to me that's a no-brainer, right? When you hear those words, you want to make them juvenile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Communist countries. That is wild. That guy acted like nothing happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what if we got him to sign a release, uh, just so that his family doesn't sue us and stuff? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exciting. Also, we have Dr. Drew After Dark that Tom and I and Potter guest on. Yes. And where my mom's at too. I know a lot of dudes listen to this show, but if you want to get your lady friends on board with the YMH clan,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing nasty shit over here. So we were watching the foosball game and then a commercial came on where this guy was mowing his own lawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I turn to you in bed and I go, is, is that real? Do people really mow their lawns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because growing up here in LA, right, Nadav, like you're a native, an LA native, you just don't see people mowing their own lawns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so hot and it's all year long you have to do it, whereas in the Midwest you have those snowy months and like maybe you're not tending your lawn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet. I mean, but I see, so the thing is though is that it looks so hard. It looks like you're pushing that heavy thing because it's so sweaty. It looks like the most unpleasant shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's cheating though. Cause like, you're just sitting, yea and he agrees with me, you're just sitting there driving on grass, you're not pushing hard, you're not sweating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could have a fountain, like a dick fountain that spurts jizz too, that would be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that's probably why in the midwest it's a source of pride, like, and, and, and at Dobb pointed out, we were talking before, like, you don't really own your house here. Most people don't own, so it's like, why would I take care of my rented...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I guess I was really shocked to see like, that commercial. I was like, nuh-uh. I'm a fuckin' mother-in-law. I'm just a fuckin'-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I live two bears. You guys are always doing this shit for the last fifteen years together. How dumb is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nightmare. Beniflec. He says Beniflec?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think, well, you know Tom, what'd they say? Well. Discipline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I'm saying what an opus of work he's left behind. I have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's got so many points of wisdom, we need to start putting them down. That you don't need to wear a shirt to get laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's a long time meth user. He's a long time meth user. So I'm surprised he can get his wiener up or that he wants to be. It says that the sexual function goes down over time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't realize how much great art that meth produces. I mean in terms of talks and these videos, I just didn't realize it inspired people in so many ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's two dinosaur bone marrow pharaoh. That's kinda neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm not saying, no, I wasn't thinking in terms of rounding people up according to collective attributes. Uh, I was thinking in terms of the individual. For instance, if I see a really, you're behind somebody at the Starbucks and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, I don't know. Can I have Hamming and Hawing? Dead. You're gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, I don't have that destructive impulse like that. I want to clean up the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you back later. Yep. Do you ever make contact where you're like, can you help me lift this couch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who else I think should die? Who? Every time we back out of our parking lot, our parking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the word, driveway? The garage. I have to back up the way that it works, okay? And every motherfucking time, our thing is on an incline, so it's dangerous for me to do so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every time I b-back up and there's an indignant jogger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just jogging in place, passively aggressively looking at me like, you bitch, you're backing up. It's like, yeah, twat, I'm backing up. I'm the one who can't see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like maybe you shouldn't give me such a nasty look. Why don't you go across the street and jog around me, you stupid cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but here's the deal, because that jogger does know, and I know this cunt who's jogging all the time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about anybody that makes a speakerphone call in public? Right? They should die, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love these old tampon commercials. It's so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can control where you want sites to think you're located. You just open the app, you select a location, tap one button to connect and refresh the page to access thousands of new shows and movies. I mean, you can choose from almost a hundred different countries. How awesome is that? You can watch whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can stream in HD no problem, no buffering or lag. It's compatible with all your devices, phones, laptops, media, media consoles, sorry, media consoles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smart TVs and more. So you're gonna go to expressvpn.com slash your mom to get an extra three months of Express VPN for free expressvpn.com slash your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think so. Are you aggressively doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, how do you approach, I'm fascinated, like how do you approach the other one? How do you sniffer out? Like how do you know who's broken enough to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, you've known me for years and you know what I value the most is therapy. I myself have been in therapy for a decade. It has changed my life. And I know sometimes it takes a long time before you get your stuff together and you go, not anymore. There's no excuse not to do therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talkspace. I know even when money's tight, you're like, I don't want to invest in myself, but it should be at the top of your mind because mental health is a necessity, not a luxury. With Talkspace online therapy, you can connect with a licensed therapist for a fraction of the price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of in person therapy. Get matched with your perfect therapist from the comfort of your device and reach out 24 7 whenever something's on your mind, which is huge because you don't have to wait until your next appointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unlike in-person therapy sessions, Talkspace give you 24-7 access, uh, to your online therapy room. It's affordable and there's a huge network of therapists to choose from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Talkspace is secure and private. The bottom line is we all need someone to talk to. Talkspace wants to give us the support we deserve at a price we can't afford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a listener of this podcast, you get a hundred dollars off your first month on Talkspace. To match with your perfect therapist, go to Talkspace.com or download the app. Make sure to use the code YourMom to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's YourMom and Talkspace.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think most reasonable people are. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One guy, uhm, he's dead now, he, he would do this thing where he would refill ink, ink cartridges. Like he would get them out of dumpsters and then refill them and sell them as new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he made millions of dollars doing this and then he would make it all off the books. He had no social security number. Anyway, he ended up getting cancer in Miami and couldn't get health insurance because he had no social security number, couldn't get anything and had to pay cash for all of his cancer treatments and like basically lost all the money for being a criminal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, good, and because the gatekeepers of this business are no longer the gatekeepers, they have no more power, no manager, no agent, no executive is gonna get fired in two fucking weeks, is gonna control you anymore, and they're, and good, good riddance, you can do it all yourself, you don't need them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think Roman, I would love to hear his commentary. You know what I can send it to? I'll send it to Izzy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Tim and Crystal, army veteran here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was having a fucking good week, celebrating also this week one year of sobriety. And now, after seeing what Christine did and her stolen valor, everything's gone to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to find a wake up call because otherwise you will be under lock and key by governments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, uh, it's a British thing. If your name is Pemberton in England, you'll never be called by your first name. It's always, oi, Pembe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what's up now? Pimby's on right here. Yeaah. I've got your weed, you've got everything you need right here. Sack it up, blow it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't think of the name I thought this guy was, but he would show up, and I hated being in math class, like a train would drive through the building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a, uh, a nun as a geometry teacher in high school. It was probably junior year. She was a big lady, big Irish lady. Uhm, she grew up working at a bar. So she was like tough as shit, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a geometry test and I asked her a question super quiet. I asked her this question during the test and she, uhm, she very politely listened to my question that I thought was a legitimate question. Then she, uh, slowly walks up to the front of the room


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] and hits her head on the board three times like DOOM DOOM DOOM and then slowly walks back to me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, with like a red face, like kinda answers my question. Cause it was that fucking stupid of a question, I guess. She was so frustrated that I had learned that little, that I'd asked this question. Like everyone in the whole class was looking like, what the fuck did he just say to her to make her go smash her head against the fucking whiteboard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never forget it. I'll never forget that. She was the best though. She was actually a great teacher and super friendly and we're like, you know, as far as a nun goes, pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's not the technical term I guess, but the peristaltic motion of your bowel stops because it thinks it's in danger. Oh wow. So it's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how you, you know how when you're traveling, a lot of times you get constipated? Yes. It's because your body's doing that, because it thinks, it's like, what's going on here, this is weird, I'm just gonna shut everything down because we don't feel comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I have the opposite. Some of my airplane bathroom shits are like, wow, that was really good. Cause my body at that level of constipation is like, it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My god! That's like a fuckin' plumber over there. Ugh. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what amazes me now about all the COVID stuff is you see people on camera like, this is an expert, this person has literally no awareness of where they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was waiting for to happen, I thought this was a special pause now. It's about to continue and she's gonna just fucking shit everywhere, maybe. Just blast out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of these old guys like this, they get, their satire runs afoul. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get rid of these fat cats sucking on the tits of rats in the poo-poo toilets. They're blowing with diarrhea outside my butt. For you are doing double the best way to find it. Is to do voting for me? It's just cheating not to do poo-poo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took poop what my penis is too large for a hole to do. Poop what the dick of my hole. These are rats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best is this shit. The preening, the uh, the preening, what do you call that shit when it's like, in the moment. Like, in the moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of the pics she posted on Twitter. If you look on his Twitter...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got some pictures that I can't figure out what they are, because it's him with really long hair and looking really young. And I don't know, it's also staying next to a guy who looks like he is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is going on there? Honestly. Oh, that's him, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how long that hair is. Is that just a really old picture or something? It must be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or some sort of weird, like, he's doing like an art project, like he's Andy Warhol, and we're the ones who are laughing, but he's like, you know. He's in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because doesn't that, doesn't that sort of throw off everything? Because you're like, what is that? Why would he be posting these weird pictures of him looking kind of like a little girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's the guy, those wasps represent that guy. The other guy. Yeaah. He ate him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, it feels like that Florida morning. Those wasps are still kind of, kind of mellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta taste bad too because they've got a bunch of chemicals in them probably with a taste like, you know, like pheromones and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That tastes like chemicals. Like drinking like bathroom chemicals. Pure chems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a big ol' colony under my garage, and they stay there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I think it's like people hate spiders, they blame them for all kinds of stuff, and actually it's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're great. They're great. They're also, uh, I always think about people like want spiders out of their house, but like, I'm not using that space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think there's a brown recluse, it's usually a false recluse, and even then, there's a reason it's called a recluse because it never comes out. The chance of you getting bit by a brown recluse in California is almost zero. Oh, and what about the black widow? Black widow, again, it's like pretty rare to get bit by a black widow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, like, people blame a lot of staph infections on brown recluse bites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When actually it's like, you just got a cut and you're dirty dog, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even doctors would be like, yea, this is definitely a spider bite. It's like, no, you have a fucking infection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or some kind of infection that got in and they blame it on a brown recluse because they have a necrotic infection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's terrible. It's like one of the grossest things. I think it's the grossest thing. I stopped looking that up years ago because it's fucking nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, that's a good one actually. How much, do I have, if I get bitten by the brown recluse, do I have like, immediate emergency services available?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black Widow, I've actually had to, had a kind of argument with my wife about, uhm, get, actually, actually getting bent on purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're an adult and you have like a nervous system that's intact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, it's like a, it's not a super strong neurotoxin, so if you got bit, you're basically just having like a bad acid trip. And I thought it would be cool to get bit by a black, uh, a black widow. But she's like, just, no, you can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did find one, but also I think I kinda talk myself out of it cause it seems like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the best thing to say nowadays to someone, uh, did he say to you, uhm, did I stutter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Did I stutter? I'm trying to say that more in casual conversation while being polite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mother's a whore, Johnny. I'll fucking cut you, you stupid bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm scarier because it seems like I'm not. Yeah, you're crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh that's terrible. Imagine if I had a buzzed head, a silver tooth, not a gold, silver tooth right there, and driving around listening to country music way too loud, listening to like Waylon Jennings, like sad Waylon Jennings, wearing like a shirt buttoned up to the neck,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then saying, did I fucking stutter? In a southern accent? That would be scary, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is this. And then I fucking do that. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be that thing, that classic stupid talk where it's like, you know, the idiocracy thing, the, sir, we have a particular individual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I couldn't hear- What? I stopped watching it because I found it to be like, just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's an hour. I just did this for an hour. That's because your algorithm is not pure. No, I mean, it was so good. It was so good. I'm just like, this is better than any TV I've ever seen in my life. I can't handle the nonstop stream of novelty. I felt like I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have I told you guys the pub story yet? Okay, I'll tell you that after this. It's bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We spent like probably 20 minutes raking our, you know, our high school pubic bushes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, we put a napkin on top of that, and we told a girl we knew to come over and sit down. It's the worst part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took the napkin off and looked at her and was like, hey. And she was like, what is that? It's like, it's our fucking pubes. And guess what? She like, she left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not sitting on it, it was on the table. Oh, you showed it to her. Take off those domes. She's like, what is that? Yeah, she's like, what the fuck is that? And we're like, eh, pubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I stutter? Yeah, and uh, I think she was probably looked at us differently, probably much forever after that. She just got up and walked away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's the most things where I realized like, oh, that's just, this is not a good idea. Yeah, chicks don't dig that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the big difference between women and men, I feel like at that age is a woman would never do that, probably not. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have the fog of the morning to excuse it on. Sure. This was, you know, 1pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows where I'd be right now? I'd probably be in fucking jail or some shit, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not in trouble, just be like, don't do that. It's like, oh, you're right, don't do that. Not like terrible stuff, but just stuff like that's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do that. Okay. That's what you mean. So don't do that. God, I will never do that again. Cause you're right. That's gross. That was just super gross. You just have to learn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got that special plex and all like the fiber bars, everything. It's all like, it's like a, it's a rhythm. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I will not shop your store. I will not do a shop shop at your store if you- if you put a- put a- what's next? You gonna ask to see my shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will take my business elsewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shop that you do to business for my life and this place that I do it, I will be finding a location that is a different one. Understand me that this shop is done. Closed for my business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you can compute that sentence that I'm throwing to your direction, possibly you need to understand that where we are going is a place that you need to find a wake up call because otherwise you will be under lock and key by governments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I like to think in this way a lot. It feels, it's therapeutic to think in like the sort of like the riddle speak of uh, governments will try to do things to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That will be apprehensible to a lifestyle unknown to your body. And when they do that to such things as children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best one that drops you off like, uhm, here we go, how about this? Why don't you take out your phone right now and look at it? Guess what? I'll wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a, this is true, this is gold. It really is! Wow, is this one that came up on yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I can't believe that. I'm like, this to me is going to change things because I was, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark, that's good, okay, hold on. Mark, hold on, hold on a second. No, Mark, I'm gonna come now, hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if you cut out a few words, you'd have no idea what he's talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the darn man, should I watch a little? We showed this last week. Have you seen the one where he's talking to the camera? Maybe this is all of them after the video. Where he clearly has two beards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that how he always is? He has the goatee beard that's thick and then it's been trimmed down to like a one or a two going from the ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he doesn't have a hat on, and it's very well lit. Definitely two levels of beard, he's trimmed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, did you want something to eat? The key to would be the podcast host would have a Rolls Royce. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is something I watch, I've probably seen it about 20 times at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's a film that's on this level, but it's, uh, I don't know how to describe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like it, so some party you like. I get wasted, like fucking like, you know, stoned and drunk, just fucking on. I get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just plow to passing out point, have people over, we all watch it, and it's never not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna set up a big viewing and just have, you know, have people just get blitzed and watch Christmas Lodge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fun, I mean I know it inside and out at this point, but it's kind of like, uh, it's like dancing around a fire or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything is like, what is this? What is this crap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, this is the chemical brothers. Dad, this is, uh, this is Air Force One. Dad, this is, you know. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I don't know, it's probably directed by God, in some sense. I haven't looked up the credits actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is, is Thomas Kinkade somebody I should know? Oh you don't know who Thomas Kinkade is? Oh this is, this is a big part of it. Thomas Kinkade is a painter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thomas Kinkade paints, like, uh, nostalgia stuff, like houses with Christmas lights and stuff. He has a shop in Solvang. Does that make sense? Yea, yea, sure. Yea, that's what Thomas Kinkade is. So, look at the fact that Thomas Kinkade is putting his name on a movie. Doesn't make any sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I can. This is a safe space. I know it's a safe space, this space is safe, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to exist outside of this space sometimes. Sometimes, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that precludes me from doing the voice I want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, she's 85 pounds, sorry. 85 pounds like mutt, right? And she talks like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, you frickin' bitch. I fucking hate you, you stupid bitch. That's what she says to my wife, but she doesn't feel it. Goddamn frickin' bitch. I'm about to fucking take off, you dumb piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would pay money to see that. Just like to see like a scene, you know, like that scene in swingers with the answering machine. It's like the same thing. Just like the tension of that. That song is so interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, well you can see him on my, uh, I mean on Instagram. I see him on Instagram, yeaah. Instagram, which is just Johnny underscore Pemberton. Or you can, uhm, go to Johnny Pemberton dot dog, and I have everything there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the YouTube, I put everything up on YouTube too, which is youtube.com slash Just My Nipples. Just My Nipples. Just My Nipples. And same with Twitch. It's uh, twitch.tv slash Just My Nipples. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four and a half years now. How'd you start doing it? Damn. I kinda did it in the 90s. Uh huh. In Canada. Right. Cause you liked boxing a lot growing up. I used to box. Yep. 85 to 94 and then I started doing jujitsu around 97.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I was kind of just doing like, Japanese jiu-jitsu. Where it's the same shit but standing up. So instead of using the ground, you use the wall. Really? Yea, it's that kind of stuff. But then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hurt somebody on the street in like 2000 and I, I thought I was a monster after that so I stopped training all together. Are you like, were in a fight? It wasn't a fight, it was I got, I thought I was getting jumped so I put a guy, there was two guys and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long story short, I put one guy in a guillotine, choked him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. And he fell face down on the ground, locked, locked, knocked out all his teeth, but then I, the other guy that was on my back jumped around and was like, yo, it's me, and I was like, oh shit. I mean, you can't just jump on me and expect me to be like, this is great, somebody's jumping on me, you know. His teeth were all out? Yea, I had to buy him new teeth. And I didn't have money then. Dude. I would love to do that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's somebody you didn't want to do it to. And the thing is, the guy's a really nice guy. It's not like he's a dick and you're like, ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big ol' chompers. I'm like, what are you doing? Like when do you look in the mirror and go, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my ex-wife did it, and when she first did it, I sent her, she sent me a picture of that, and I go, oh my god, and I made a split screen of the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just like, I didn't, I didn't want to hurt anybody like that. Yeah. You know, and I was like, because when you're training, you want to do it. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I wanted to do it and then somebody did it and I was like, this is a perfect opportunity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started with him four and a half years ago. So I started training with his brother, Higan, who's a really great guy and is a phenomenal jujitsu guy, but Higan's in Beverly Hills. I'm out in the valley and it was just, and at the time actually I was thinking I was in Malibu, so it was even harder to get consistent training going. So I ultimately asked Higan, can I train with your brother? And he's like, sure, call my brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would just do privates for the first couple of years. You would, okay. Yeah, and then, uh, ultimately, eventually, uh, John Jack is now my son's godfather. Wow. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, no, if you got that kind of mindset and you're training for a long time, there's something wrong with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause once you start training, you realize the respect becomes, yeah, the respect goes up and you're like, oh, that guy's really good. Okay. And that guy, oh wow. Okay. And it becomes, it doesn't matter who you are. Got you. Yeah. Even when I'm rolling with cops, they're black belts. You know what I mean? These are big dudes. And in my head, it's not like I'm going to get this cop. I'm just like, I just don't want to get killed. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just hurt myself two weeks ago. Uh, would you hurt? My finger, my middle finger. Yeaah. It's, it's coming back but I still can't do anything with it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was that? Oh, he, he fucking, he annihilated me. Really? Oh yea, he's insane. Yea. He's so strong though. He's like a gorilla, it's like literally like, remember those Samsonite commercials back in the day? Yea. Oh yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we start, and I'm used to going slower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a, I'm a, I like to roll slow so I can, for me it's all like boxing. In boxing, you don't come out in the first round and start throwing all your punches. Right. You want to jab. Setting them up. Yeah, you want to figure out what they're doing, where they're going. And then, uh, so I was defending really pretty decently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, Joe put me in a, uh, in a, he was trying to put me in a twister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets behind you and he locks his legs onto you, right? But he twists his body so your spine starts to twist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, first of all, it's illegal, it's illegal in competitions. Yeah, that's it. See the body? Yeah. Damn. That's what Joe was trying to do to me. Oh my god. But while you're doing that, there's a move involved called a calf slicer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the calf slicer's like his shin goes across your calf muscle. Uh huh. And it fucking, I, it hurts so bad that I tapped when that happened. Wow. And he goes, why'd you tap? I go, you had me in a calf slicer. He goes, that's not the move I was trying to do. I go, I don't care what the move you're trying to do is. That shit hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying, I'm trying. It doesn't matter. I did notice your weight loss when you and Bert had your little competition. That was a while ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look great. You look good. How much did you lose? Like since you started training? September. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think London was last. We used Birmingham as the warm up show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember you, me and Natasha Leggero did San Diego one time. You're right. That's right. That was like in 07.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we did like a San Diego State University or something. Oh, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now you're on it yourself. Well, I mean, I'm, I mean, it's like, let me explain something to you now. To watch both of you guys, like, I met you in 06. Yeaah. In Florida. When you still lived in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, sick. Yeah, and I, I, the club put us together. Yeah. It was not like I knew you. Yeah. And I remember you were kind of standoffish at first, but then I watched you act and I go, this guy's fucking hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's why we work together. Yeah. I was like, you know, I thought you were hilarious. And then just to see that, like over 14 years, turn into what it is now. It's wild, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a lot of, uh, fresh immigrants at that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, we had to, uh, get you, we, we, I had also forgotten about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why sometimes I get bothered, uh, not bothered. Sometimes the industry will try to marginalize me. Yeah. And be like, oh, it's just, he probably just has all Indian people at his show. I'm like, no. No. No, that's not it. No. Oh, he just does that. And I'm like, or, you know, people will criticize and be like, oh, some more great, some more Indian jokes. I'm like, well, you're missing the point there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's also, I think it's respectful if you do it well. It shows you took the time to make the, to give them some dignity with it, you know? Right, right. And I saw a tweet that made me laugh. It said, uhm, I can't wait for them to get a dog to start doing Brian's voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember, uh, do you remember when I told you, when I found out you could speak Spanish? I was like, dude, why don't you do a show in Spanish? He goes, that's not, nah, it's not gonna work. I go, I can get you on the Hispanic nights in LA. He goes, I don't want to do those. And then you did an entire fucking special in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, you know, I was always like, here's the thing, when you're Indian, in North America, you always felt like an invisible minority. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are the closest thing to me. So I think that's what also drew me towards the, uh, Hispanic people because I was like, that's the closest thing that we've got. Like, getting shine. Right. So we're gonna hang out with them. We're gonna be with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, at least they acknowledge that we're al- that we're alive. Right. And then, you know, that's part of the process. It's gonna start off negative, and then it'll change from there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's good and bad, it's only good if they replace him. Right. With another one. Right. Who happens to be me, and that would be great. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've done, you know, I did an episode of Bob's Burger where I played a Vietnamese person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I ended up doing it more Chinese sounding. I even told them, I said, the voice I'm doing is Chinese. They go, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so, that should tell you where the industry's at. That's a real white guy answer. I don't actually do it Vietnamese, I actually do it Cantonese, Hong Kong, Chinese. Oh, it's the same, it's fine. It's fine. It's Asian, right? I'm like, it's the same, really? Yeah. I'm like, oh, okay. Do it, do it. I was, you know, I can't remember, it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a crank anchors once. Yeaah. Back in the day. Uh, they used to shoot it out of Vegas. Yeaah. And I remember did one, and we did this one where we called the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, uh, I found a baby. Uh, uh, there was a baby at Caesar's palace. I picked up the baby. I have the baby with me. Uhm, how I get the baby back to you? And they were like, and they were like, where are you? It became a whole thing. I'm looking at the like people in the booth. I'm like getting scared. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one with the water. Spout, uh, spout the water.