[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Been in Tennessee, I'm in Memphis, in Knoxville, Greenville, Charleston, South Carolina, Durham, North Carolina, and Charlottesville. All tickets are at TomSegura.com slash tour, including the, uh, well the rest of the tour, the European dates. Check them out, we just added some shows, uhm, December. Gene, what about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a reminder that this YouTube channel, Your Moms House Podcast YouTube channel, we've got a bunch of podcasts now on the channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, one thing we're gonna shift pretty soon is that audio and video are gonna start dropping at the same time. That means Wednesdays at noon. It's gonna happen in a few weeks, but we figure we'd prepare you as much as we can for that. Uhm, it just makes more sense for us to do it that way now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I do a podcast now bi-weekly with, uh, Burt Kreischer called Two Bears, One Cave. Dr. Drew is here every week doing Dr. Drew After Dark. Ryan Sickler is here every week doing the honeydew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, of course this show. And uh, yeaah. So check it out. Uh, you can download wherever you download podcasts or you can watch it right here on your Mom's House Podcast YouTube channel. Uh, stay tuned. We'll have our guest here in just a moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're so excited. I'm excited. First of all, when are black people coming out with band-aids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, cause basically band-aid companies have been like, so white people get cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's it. It's kinda, it's actually like now that we've discussed it, it's fuckin' rude is what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. I would buy it. I would buy it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, right away, uhm, do you, cause she watches like every fucking baking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is that like every time I walk in a room, there's just like another cake or bread on a table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bert hosted, he, I'm serious, no no, he hosted a show called, uh, Bert the Conqueror on Travel Channel and they put him on all, he would always go to theme parks, he was like, dude, every time I'm in an airport or like walking in a city and there's like near a school, it's always like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, special needs kids that connect with that and I'm like, why? He's like, apparently it's big. You know how they do like animal therapy for certain, he's like roller coasters are like a big outlet for certain, not obviously all special needs kids, but for certain ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is your, is uhm, like, guys in the past, the guys you, who you've clicked with, are they all, is it a type, energy wise? Or is it always like, is it broad spectrum, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, medium to high. Wow. Yeah, see, I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he looks at me, he's like, you're not good, you're not healthy at all. You're not good. But then they, they, they, you know, they took my heart rate and it was, it was in the high 30s, you know, like 39, 38 beats per minute, which is pretty low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, you know, the only people that have this kind of heart rate are like marathon runners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, it's usually aligned with someone in good shape but he goes, I'm guessing it's not, that's not the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all there for you, right? And isn't like some pro always being like it should taste like this, and you're like this is, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got food poisoning eating set food once. Yes. I did a commercial that was a, it was a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ESPN Domino's commercial, like a co-promoted thing. And uhm, that pizza was like on set, not for days, but for hours and hours and hours. And then they're like, oh, and this scene when they come by, I start like just eating this. So it was part of the shot and I got violently sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you're like at his certain age, you're like, they don't watch TV. But I remember hitting the clubs and seeing you guys and they're like, oh yeah, all the shows are sold out. I'm like, what? And they're like, yeah, they're on this show. Everything's sold out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's cool. I like when people, you know what I mean? Everybody's always like in stand up is like, ah, it's fucking drag and burned out and you're like, it's fun to be around people that want to have fun doing it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun. And also I feel like this era, the digital era where everything is YouTube and streamed and all that, that, um, it's not a choice anymore whether or not to develop new stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, can I ask you, cause you mentioned it. Yes. And I didn't know. Are you, both your parents died?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I could see how you'd start thinking that. 16, 18, 21.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit. Nobody knew? That, that's the thing is like, that every time I've heard about that happening, it's always a surprise. Yea. No one knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did your mom, uh, did she recently, like, fly or anything like that? No. No, when she did? No. Cause I always hear about that happening too. Nope, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I gotta tell you, you posted something that I've never connected with and like, that made me feel like so, just like, aw man, I love this girl. On Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to get you a trophy because I know I've come close and I've, and I've always thought about what it must be. Like I've had that thought. I've sat on ones where I'm like, this shit's about to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like an embarrassing moment, but when we like own embarrassing moments and actually like kind of put it out there that like it connects you more to other people. Like as soon as I saw this, I was like, I love this girl. Like you know what I mean? Like I love that you were like, I just broke a toilet. I just thought it was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually said, like, why isn't this touch, this toilet flush, he's three and a half, why isn't the toilet flush, he's like, put a bunch of my toys down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that feels good, right? It does! I think that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how Josh interviewed him. Of course, I'm a huge fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, here's a change of pace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The toilet made me, reminded me that we haven't yet seen this man who is also on a toilet. And where did you find this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, here's a guy, this is what I like about this, because I had the privilege and the honor of seeing this. Uhm, this man has posted this video to his account, and it's not a dating site, it's just like Instagram, but he's using it as an opportunity to basically promote himself, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes any sense. It's a very wide range. So what you're saying is someone here might have a shot. Yes. Yep. Alright, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, his pupils are definitely shot. And it also feels like he asked himself to describe himself. He's like, I don't know. I like footballs and throwing them. Like he doesn't know. I like the beach. The beach is good. A skim board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you'd be like, that was pretty good. I can't have dinner with you. Cause it's like talking to a dog. But, but he'd probably, you'd be like, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a tripod I'll give you on your way out. So, okay, oh, so who else are we gonna show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have a, there's a spike on Obama, like what are you doing man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remind you of your choices on today's dating show. So, you have Robert Paul, piss on me, beat me, if you're homeless thug, come here. Uh, you have I sing and fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty well, pretty good at it, but it's just a choice. Yeah, it's just kinda gross. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nicole's choice, by the way, is pure organic dry cleaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, oh yea, that's the manatee guy. Sorry, I just realized. He's like, oh my god, there's fish in the water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I had to choose between these guys? I'm trying to think, who could I, who could I tolerate, just let's say, I feel like you have to hang out with this person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know Big Time Tommy. So you know Big Time Tommy. Yea, Big Time Tommy for people that don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's, but it's a skill set though too. Like learning how to tell somebody how you feel in the moment, like I've struggled with that too. I don't feel like it's just, it's very rare that you find that to be just a natural, you know what I mean, gift. Like people have to work on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no such thing, by the way, as like a straight dude who has the potential to fuck someone who's like, you wanna go to this gay bar real quick? Yes, I know, that was the red flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's another dad there, and I was like, what the fuck, what's in your pants man? I mean he was moving around, shit was like, you know, every time he moved down, it looked like a trunk, it looked like an elephant trunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just looking at all, cause it was all like, teachers and uhm, and I kept looking at them like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, he wears compression shorts. You gotta, you gotta go for the guys that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, that's like, that's like, little league stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, which like keeps things together, but like, most just wear nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. And they also, they didn't wear it for the last 20 years. No one was wearing thigh pads. And then they mandated you gotta put something in there. So some dudes will cut like a little piece and put it in. They're savages. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an exciting thing to show you. It's not a creepy guy. Okay. This is a fun game. So this, if you know, don't say anything, right? It's for the other person. I'm assuming neither of you have seen this. This is a commercial that aired and I don't think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is possible to guess what this commercial is for. Let's give it a shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For people listening, woman's giving birth in a bathtub, and there's, yep, there's the baby. Everyone's very emotional, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're jumping ahead here, baby's getting a little bit older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple months old, you know, he's pulling himself up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's pause for a second. So far, is there any guess as to what this could be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that the child is now a couple years old, right? One or two. Uhm, but you see that the family is growing. Now he's walking. Progressing. He's probably four. Eating a stick. He's pissing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pissing in the water. He's scared of monsters. It's under the bed. There's horses running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it was like one of those, yeaah, big time obvious. So now he's, we scrubbed ahead, but you know, now he's a young man, right? So, we can keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different things. You want turkey, you want parm, you want the chicken parm, you want the meatball sub, you want the ham and cheese with veggies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I love the two cheeseburger meal. It's great. That's perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you, are you, like, I like scorching hot fries. When they're like, when the oil is still like bubbling on the fries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this is not the- look, the McRib is not on par with-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you dig it, if you dig barbecue, I mean that's the closest you're gonna get to it without going to a barbecue place. It's it's own taste, you know? It's it's own taste.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of our staff guys here, who's also a great comedian, his name is Josh Potter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has trouble finishing with a woman. Not that he's into men, it's just that he has trouble coming with one. He can come alone. So we put it out there that uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That women, if they wanted to, could volunteer to make kingdom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and so they sent in videos of themselves. I mean, Josh, have you, have you come with a woman at all since all this began? What? Not since this began, no. But you have had sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's good at that, I think. I mean, he basically can go as long as you want. I don't want to think about Josh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we do one other thing, Nadav? Can you show Nicole what was submitted for Josh? Do you have access to that? So we put it out there that he was, we're just like, oh, you know, uh, he has this issue he can't finish with and like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, like, he was sent submissions of people wanting, like volunteering to be involved. To make Josh come. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's pause a second. Just so you know, some of the things you're hearing in these, uh, that, uh, the good morning, it's, it's, it's inside jokes. Okay, so just making sure that you know it's not her normal greeting. No, yes, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can see a girlfriend there too. I think the main thing, like what I took the most from the three is that Josh isn't worthy of any of them. Yeah, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, I still, you know, I want him to, to, I want him to come. So badly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dog in it. You are out there. Yeaah. See, this will come out, uhm, probably in a few more weeks, right? So maybe, uh, the, either the Raleigh one or definitely by, uhm, Montreal you're going to. Yup, doing the festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a bunch of dates. Uhm, so if you are in Houston, Dallas, uh, Cleveland, Detroit, Toronto, Tampa, West Nyack, Lexington, Washington DC, Ben Salem, I learned how to say it yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, uh, Boston, San Jose, go to NicoleByer.com, get tickets, go see her live, she's absolutely hilarious. And that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's so harsh. Yeah, you made me watch it. I'm sorry. Yeah, you sent it to me, and I'm like, I said, I'm afraid to click on this, and you said, click on it. Yeah. And then afterwards, it was determined that it was straight up gore. You probably shouldn't show it. But it's the worst thing, right? It's, yeah, it's nightmare fuel. It's, it's, it's the worst thing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their final goodbyes to this fallen Louisville police officer, D.D. Megadoodoo, I'm sorry, Mangoodoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Tommy, Tommy, do you remember that show about the, the, the woman who gets pregnant by the guy that they fuck once, and then he comes from Samoa?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we're really into that show Smothered. What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like hold on, like uhm, like a big bath, like a thermal bath type bigger sauna, or like a home bath, like your regular apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Samoa. Samoa. That's how they all say it. Samoa. Jamaica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well one time I did a road rules real world challenge. Oh shit. And, we were in, I forget, what's the fucking, oh. Kingston. Montego Bay, yea. Montego Bay. Montego Bay. And I remember I got kicked off the show, right, because you get voted off whatever the island, and uhm, they go well we don't have your plane ticket home just yet because of SunFest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I fucking was stranded there. And so uhm, it was like this not great hotel. Thank you, Buna Marie Productions, by the way, for putting me up. I was like 26 years old, and it was a fucking terrifying hotel. Terrifying. It was so scary. I didn't want to leave my room. And I would walk around Kingston. Everything you're saying went on like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the music is dope, the food's great, the people are nice. That patois shit's great to listen to. Like I love listening to people talk around me. And nobody says I.D. That's fucking bullshit. No, that's like a Rasta thing. Everything is I.D. Like that's what I tell tourists, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, Tommy, why don't you turn the television on for the week, something we can all watch. And he turns on the news, and it's like, five gunmen carrying guns, blowing the heads off of two children. And my three year old's just like, what? And he's like, not registering. I want him to learn what's going on in the news. Yeaah. It's so inappropriate. I'm like, no. They gotta get ready for that shit. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that. I know. His would be more like, if you see a stop sign, you gotta stop. There ain't no such half plan. You can't just keep rolling. You gotta stop. S-T-O-P, stop. And you're like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? You wanna be up out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was the whole thing was you sing along or do a scene from a movie or something like that. Yes. People do that. Generally, that's the normal algorithm. I take a deep dive. I like to go where no man has gone before. I like to pioneer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so there's this one popular thing on TikTok where it's like they act out a thing from a movie, I guess, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this guy's my favorite though. So this guy does a lot of various act outs. He's, his whole feed is this. He's had a few goons. I met this guy before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't do that unless it's encouraging. I don't believe in being a total douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't pick up, it was a steamer. Are you trying to see if it picked up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least I had a fart today. Let's ask the fart mic Twitter guy how many times you've been up to bat. At least I show up, I go to bat, cigarette. What are you doing for d-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I, may I, may I say something embarrassing? When I was goth, I was like that chick, where I'd be like, pfft. Don't even know the words to any of the real, like, cure songs about how to song. So the person's a weekender. Like, I would call out other, like, goth girls for not being goth enough. I swear to god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this one's about witchcraft, and there's a whole other lane about witchcraft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's another thing on TikTok, a lot of women with enormous large breasts don't wear bras. It is actually, on my stories feed, cause there's music, I'll play those on my insta stories, and there's a lot of braless huge tits on there. Well that's what TikTok means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, bro. This chick's just, that's her real voice. That's her talent, buddy. Why are you taking it away from her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say... I don't know, I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is the sandwich touching the cheese? Do you think he's Ben Leo? This kid, no. He's just juiced up on testosterone. I would say he's- that's his pride and joy. A 16 year old boy's car is everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just pumped full of hormones. And he probably hasn't milked his dick today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know if he hasn't? If he hasn't, I can tell. Okay. Cause he'll get- Excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets angry about stuff that normally, like, God this is fucking trash, I gotta take the trash out. I got fucking dishes everywhere, like stuff that he normally wouldn't gauge. He gets irritated by it, and I'm like, oh you have to ejaculate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, eye contact and you have to go for lunch after and discuss what you liked, what you didn't like. And what do you think is your technique?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Freudian psychology where a guy wants, I know there's the Electra where you're, I think the girl wants to fuck daddy but maybe there's no gay dad thing. There's gotta be. There's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of chi energy here, and then somebody-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. Yeaah, no, that's the thing we were, uh, pitching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I have a friend's sister that works in an ER and she said that a lot of things in the butt. They pull out a lot of stuff from people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that is, like, thinking, cause I really never thought about putting stuff in my butt. But you're right, I mean it basically goes into your large intestine, right? And it could go up and definitely feel right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, our audience knows you from the Silver Lake days. Uh, you lived on our couch for a week. And we lived next door to a 7-Eleven back then. And the only thing you ate that whole time was hot dogs and Gatorade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeez. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. So in a mall, like, you can just be walking past the Forever 21 and you'll see a big pile of human ships. So people are just doing it in the middle of the day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you need to go, just hop on over to the nearest toilet. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta do it. But here's the fair deal is that you get to enjoy the rides for two hours because they're gonna kick you out post haste. I mean, they don't let you get away with anything at Disneyland. You'll get it kicked out immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, be that porno girl, and that's your job, is you just let guys shit on your chest. But you only work one week in the business. No, but every day, how about, let me rephrase this. Your job, nine to five,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well hold on, your job nine to five is to either lay on a sidewalk,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do it 8 hours a day, and you fuck yourself in the butt with the- With bike handles? Yea. Or, you let guys take dumps on your chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for one, I'm gonna give you one year of employment, nine to five, either guys are taking dumps on your chest or you're fucking yourself with a bike handle on the sidewalk and people video you and you can cover your face like that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd probably get arrested a lot, being the homeless guy with the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the original video and then the faking guy will put Tom's face on him, on this guy's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty funny. Elon Musk, he loves- Oh, I didn't see this one yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How silly. Alright. I could look at these all day. They're great. He loves Elon Musk. I didn't realize he did so many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what Joel Osteen is doing. And he's like, you should get, God is prospering you and blessing you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I ate ass, comma, faggot? That would be derogatory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's the best part of whipped cream. I, I, I, cause you can't really drink whipped cream when you put it on top of your hot beverage. It just, it kind of goes away. So the way he's doing it is right. You know what I mean? Cause you, every time I tilt the cup, the whipped cream goes to the other side. This is actually how you should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, this is Josh Potter in like ten years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm doing a, like a outdoor festival thing there with uh, Josh Potter. Oh. And Chad Daniels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're doing it on, I believe it's the 24th of July, I think it's the 24th. I hope I got that right. Uhm, that is on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also doing a show in Bensalem Pencil, not Bethlehem, Bensalem at the Parks Casino on November 8th. That just went on sale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know I'm going to Austin and I'm actually shooting there on November 16th. That's at Austin City Limits. But uhm, we added a show the next day, the 17th, at the Paramount Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that goes on pre-sale this Wednesday, right now, the 26th. The code is house. If you want to buy the on-sale tickets, that starts on Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, go to TomSegura.com slash tour, and my bad, the Rochester, Minnesota show is the Olmsted County Fair. It's July 23rd. I had the day wrong, the 23rd. It's on sale now. Gene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. I should also mention that that week, uh, of, uh, Rochester, I'm in Appleton, Rockford, and Peoria, and Evansville. They have tickets available. Uh, those are all on my site. Thanks, Jean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Don't do that again. Oh my god. Here's the thing. We are, I am saying this now. Next week, and I'm not kidding, we have to have a 12 minute intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but sometimes ideas are better in imagining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think that, you know, it was a fun thing for a minute and now I want to move past it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like that if we did a long intro next week. Oh my god. And if that microphone was gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you're going to have a huge announcement to make about an advertisement that you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, might as well set it up. It's really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this here? McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay a fish. McDonald's. Chicken nuggets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this opening clip is the closest we've come to cheering on Trump since he's been in office. Which is, he's doing this interview, you've probably seen it by now, but with George Stephanopoulos a few weeks ago, and uh, his chief of staff Mulvaney,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, just, if you're gonna cough, man, I mean, Jesus.


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[Assistant] I, I, I mean come on, like in public, it's one thing to be like at home, in the car, I was at a, where was I, I was at a spa somewhere and this guy, I was in a steam room and this guy was going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he's angry. Which is like, that's when somebody's usual, like their real, the way they speak comes out is when they're angry.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, so he's like, he's gonna cough. You gotta leave. This guy's fuckin'.


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[Assistant] He's the pret- no one's being like, hey man, you look like a raccoon, you gotta fuckin-


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[Assistant] That also, him and Michael Jordan pissed me off so much with how they dress for how rich they are. Like they both avoid tailors. Like it's a problem or something. Like they both really wear clothes that doesn't fit. He wears suits that are completely cut for another human being. And then, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Jordan, same thing, Jordan's a billionaire. He has been for years. I know, he looks terrible. Whereas none of his shit is cut correctly. None of it. No.


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[Assistant] Like, that's the best one, but if you go to like, uh,


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[Assistant] I mean look at that shit, that's old. Look at WTF, what the fuck is Mike wearing? That's a site, it's called what the fuck is Mike wearing? Yea, it's oversized. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at those jeans. They're six sizes too big. They got weird rips and pat. Nothing adds up. He actually will wear. I mean, I guess that it's a big flex. If you're like, I'm so rich that I just don't give a fuck what it looks like. I'm not going to try to make it look decent. It looks insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he doesn't care. He just doesn't give a fuck. They, they, uh, Trump suits, if you, if you look at like how the suits fit him, you can tell that it's the idea is like that he's masking, you know? It's fatness, you know. Right, but it actually looks worse, cause they're not, it's not cut right, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's exactly. And if you make it baggier, you look fatter. Yeah. You actually need to have it, like, tailored more. Yeah. Yeah. See, like, what is up with Trump's... All these, like, uh, the, you know, clothing blogs and things, all agree that, like, his suits fit terribly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking unbelievable. It's like you're a goddamn billionaire. I know. Spend the fucking money, man. He's like, no, I know what I look like. Looks great. Got my eye, my eye mask shit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's mildly, it has a little bit of sweet to it, but not like, you know, they'll make a drink with like caramel and so much shit in it, you're like, I feel like I'm just drinking a Snickers bar. I know. So this has like a little bit of sweet to it, but the cold brew is stronger than their iced coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, we saw your responses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're welcome. A lot of you getting out of debt, paying off loans, selling those panties, selling those feet pics. That's thanks to us. Thanks to our ingenuity. Thanks for that entrepreneurial spirit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you want me to compare this to fresh shaved parmesan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not comparison to real parmesan.


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[Assistant] Why? Well, apparently they end up, you know, in turtles' noses and shit. But here's what I'm saying. What the fuck are we trying to save turtles for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should throw a box of fucking straws in the ocean twice a day.


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[Assistant] I kinda like when I see one of those oil spills and they're like, all these turtles got stuck in there. I'm like, so? Get rid of the turtles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paper straws can go fuck themselves, okay? Those are horrible. No. Metal straws, I dig, but it's like, are you gonna keep a fucking straw on you at all times for a turtle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choking on straws on the top. I'd be like, I like dogs. But turtles? That's the big fucking case we're making for turtles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like rats. It's like, you know, I don't care if fucking rats die.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Oh my God. Their fountain soda is always right. What do we have here?


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[Assistant] True. True. Well that's why, you know, honestly, if that guy had broken his neck or just died or, like, they totally deserve it, you know. They totally deserve it. It's private property, it's a business. It would have been funny if they all


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[Assistant] Uhm, I never get tired of them and luckily for you, we now have a TikTok intro for you. Really?


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[Assistant] If you're ready to lose your fucking mind again in the deep, dark, disturbing world of Christina's TikTok feed, here we go. I haven't seen these. I got taken off the list, so I get to react in real time.


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[Assistant] Save mine for last, cause I actually found one. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.


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[Assistant] She loves me in orange. Yeaah. Okay. I mean...


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[Assistant] She, she actually seems really mild compared to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got simple thoughts. It's good to know that your algorithm is alive and well. He's simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lady who appears to be living in extreme poverty, uh, crouched down on the side of the road next to a bucket. And then she has a little bowl in front of her with, with, presumably has some food in it. She spits into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She kind of grinds it up and eats it? Is that a good description?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I thought you were supposed to show me ones that you'll know I'll laugh. This isn't funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please change this one. Okay, this is what I'm talking about here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, maybe a thirties, forties woman with uh, quintuple H tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's about 330 pounds, she's bald, and she just poured milk on her head? Yeah? While screaming?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true, that's true. Uhm, so can we look, I know it's old news at this point, but it's just so amazing to me that OJ is on Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This right here, what we're about to watch first, is the first video he put on his, he just started a Twitter feed. He did this coincidentally on the 25th anniversary of the murders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what that's all about. Here's the thing, as soon as I saw this, right, like my first thought was like, he's gonna be in trouble against it. Like, just seeing him engaging is like, you're like, he's gonna do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Even without the line, I got a little getting even to do it. You just know he's gonna get into some shit. Somehow. Seeing him made me realize that I think trouble finds him. You know? Like some people that like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, I'm just gonna talk about sports, fantasy football, politics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, like he quoted it. Yeah. Okay. Now you go there. That's his account. That's his third one. That one's the second one right there. Can you pull that one? Let's see what he says here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's probably why he signed up for it. I think he probably signed up for it because, you know, the only thing that they're not allowed to touch of his is his NFL pension, but you know, he lost that civil suit, he's liable, he owes


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tens of millions of dollars. Uhm, I'm sure he's, you know, lost tons of whatever possessions, assets he had over the years. So I bet you it was somebody like telling him like, you know, you might be able to monetize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, it's cold. He is cold, man. He's scary. Let's, yeah, let's, uh, what's this other video, this spitting game thing? I haven't seen this. Gotta wash OJ off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never even heard that. Pretty, pretty original.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're done with peeing and we're done with everything else and now it is time for everybody's favorite segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So generous. And all three were just like, out of, I mean, out of this world, out of your league. Oh, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did see a lot of people message me. You know what I got a lot of this week? Or last week? A lot of people messaged me. Hey Tom, I can't come either. Uh, can you help me out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you're also, just cause there's so much going on, you have Jackie, apparently is gonna come to, I think some city meets you, at least meets you. Yea, yea, yea. Maybe her lesbian friend comes with you. Yea. Then you are also working as a broker for panties, right? You're a panty broker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys have gotta go. Seattle, go support Josh Potter. September 5th at the Rendezvous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People didn't think this could happen. I mean, honestly, in my wildest dreams when this started, I didn't think this would happen. But the truth is that it did fucking happen, which is that you have just got back from visiting one Robert Paul Champagne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, can you tell us about, I mean, we're gonna be, we have in the works right now, uh, the great Paul Brazil went with you. Yes, great filmmaker. Uh, volunteered to come along with you. He's done incredible videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for all types of things but when I saw what he'd done and he asked if he could come to this, I felt so lucky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you feel like though, the way that he talks in these lives and these, uh, in the interview is so different from-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you got, as Christina's mentioning, you know, this is such a big deal, you're overwhelmed with emotions. You actually had the sense to pull out your phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Okay, so let's, let's see what we got here. So let's uh, let's see you knocking on his door. That's how I need a door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels, first thing I, no facts, first thing I think of is Silence of the Lambs. Second thing is uhm, seems very dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what is the plan? Can I ask this, Nadav? Are these gonna be, uh, released on the Clips channel? As like individual, you know what I mean, clips? Or how are we doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or do we play them on here first and then on the, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean this is really exciting. And then you also- There'll be a full expose. Yeah, yeah, but you went there with also a GIFS. That's right, so I showed up-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I keep thinking about for you? That uh, that was a Danielle girl last week with the toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright. Is there anything else? I think that's it. Uhm, don't forget to go see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh in Seattle, thank you to Robert Paul Champagne of course for allowing this exclusive 60 minutes interview to take place. I want to thank the great Paul Brazil for accompanying you and shooting this content and I think we have, I think we have at least three pieces coming together, right, of things you guys shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Robert. Thank you, Josh, for doing it. Oh, thank you for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we've really rarely done this. I mean, I know we did it episode 500 because Brendan Urie gave us that amazing song, but we actually had to, we had to do this. We had to stop and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And insert what we're about to play for you because it was so epic, so well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it merited coming in here and putting this in this week's episode. As you guys know, Josh Potter went to New York. And survived. And survived. A lot of people want to know, is he alive? He is alive. He is here. He has new medication, but he's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he has, he went there with this great, super talented guy named Paul Brazil. And Paul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, is a, you know, director, videographer, editor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shot the whole thing. We saw the, the documentary. It's like a half hour documentary. Uhm, we're gonna release it on the main channel on the 8th. Is that correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paul was amazing, uh, Paul Brazil, and of course, Robert Paul Champagne, the subject. Star of the show. It's still, I know we've said it before, but doesn't it, if you, if you've listened to this show, if you've watched this show, doesn't it kind of blow your mind that we went from a one minute clip


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, we played those drops, we made shirts, we, you know, we, we talked about this make-believe person, basically. Not only did we find him, and, you know, we used to show him to everybody, but that we actually found him and then went and spent time with him, and you got to know all these things about him, which, again, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Josh got so much out of him. It's just, it's beyond fascinating. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The trailer for the documentary, uh, of, of Robert Paul Champagne that's gonna come out on our main Your Moms House Podcast YouTube channel comes out July 8th at noon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, after the trailer plays, the episode will continue on to our interview with Theo Von. So here, without further ado, is the trailer. I hope you enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our next guest is a comedian and the host of the very popular podcast this past weekend. He is known to his legion of fans as the rodent boss. It's Theo Von.


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[Assistant] And he actually has a new album and I heard that, uh, that new song Panini. Have you heard that? That's that Trilly Nelson. That shit bumps dog. Panini, that's real? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the fuck it's about, but uhm, somebody posted, I guess it's a meme that, because his style is so unique, that the meme was like, somebody asking Lil Nas X, what genre do you want this album to be? And his answer was yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's, it is like just all kinds of shits going on. But I think it's dope. I liked, and it's easily impossible to not like that guy is really. Who's this guy now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how many Lilz there are? There's a lot of Lilz. There's a Lil Skies. And I, I'm so, like, I thought I know, you know, some people in the genre of music. I'm like, who the fuck is this? It's got like 4 million Instagram followers. You know who he is? I have no idea how many Lilz there are. Lil Darryl. Lil Darryl. Lil Lil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it was making you maybe think of it as a more detached thing. Like sex is like with an object as opposed to like a person. You know what I mean? Like you're not really like thinking of it as an intimate thing, right? Oh totally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, hit me with the birth name, uh, cause I read this and I can't even say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was uhm, did it, did it feel like at the, I mean when, when he was, when you were a kid, did he seem like, like my mother's Peruvian, so like I feel like I have a foreign mom, right? Right. Your dad's Nicaraguan, but he came in at 12, so did he seem like an American guy, or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, tell me, cause I think when I met you, you definitely, you didn't have this hair, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, what prompted this? Cause it feels like a very much, almost like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a statement of like, I don't wanna say aggressive, but it's like, it seems like, it seems singular, original, and also like, uh, you're not gonna, like, it says something, like you walk in the room, somebody goes, this fucking guy's gonna do whatever he wants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda what it says to me. Does it feel like that or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it is connected though in that it makes you feel almost tied to home more. Like it's, it's, right? A little bit. A little like ownership of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanna ask about when you first did this cut though. Yeaah. Cause now it's like, you don't think about it, and you own it, and it's almost like part of your identity in a way. Yeaah. First week though, do you get self-conscious about it? Are you like having any self-doubt? You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever had a beard where you shave and you leave a mustache and you're kind of fucking around? And then you look in the mirror and you're like, Jesus Christ, like you see yourself and you're like, this is fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who said that though, right? Yeah, you think he's a, like a legit kind of person to critique the way people's ears look? No. Have you seen his ears? Yes. He's got cauliflower ears. His ears look like they have lips in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like that you pointed out that you can just grow out your hair to get it long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like a lot of dark haired girls do that. What do you mean dark haired girls? There's certain ethnicities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Armenians? Yes. Well, you'll see like, yeah, I come in from the guy's point of view where you're like, damn, she's got a lot of hair. And then you need like a woman to be like, it's not her fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you, when you talk about uhm, you know, separate, if you, if you were married, you're like, I don't know if I can sleep in the same bed in the same house, on a, let's say you're dating, do you not even like sleeping in the same bed on a random night with whoever you're dating? Like does that part bother you too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I'm talking, that, that feels to me like one night standish, but what about like if it's somebody you're seeing regularly? Yea, like a lady friend. Yea, like a lady friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it was, I mean there's like, it was kind of crazy, the administration, the way they deal with the press is insane and totally unfounded. Right. So like, you know, he just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, somebody who just, and then he only, you know, he'll only do interviews with like select few people. It's a very bizarre way to deal with the press.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, even like the times that I have made fun of women, I don't know if you feel it's like when you make fun of a way a moment's look, there's almost like a, a self like inflicted gauge that goes off in front of you that like pulls back. Cause it, it feels like you're attacking some, you know, they're, they're physically smaller. There's it's just like all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does have a TV show. Does he? And he also shreds on the guitar. Does he? He does. He shreds. That's fucking crazy to think, but he does. This guy is the former governor of Arkansas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This right here, you know, we get, we have the, the, the great benefit of having so many people send in clips and videos and this is, somebody's in their car and there's an explosion like at a plant. And this is just the clip of, of them noticing it, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, to be fair, if you're listening, that is a massive ball of fire. We're not talking about, that's some fucking 200 feet up in the air. It looks like a damn hydrogen bomb went off. Oh, that's that real shit right there. That's real shit, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just take this to Eliza's shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Class action sued, like he said, it wouldn't be... Scroll down one more. Comedian sued. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I would say like, I would say that is such a uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, you have no defense for whatever happens next. If you go, to anybody, to any guy, if you're like, you know I fucked your mom, right? Like, I don't care, it could be a fucking four foot Asian guy, and like, if he comes back with a fucking 12 gauge, you earned it, man. You know what I mean? There's no defense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, they used to say that, uh, that dude went crazy. You know he went real crazy? Was that, was that guy, what was his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Dantrell Willis? There was a D, you got the D right, for sure. And he, uhm, he ended up, man, he ended up like schizo. What? Like, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he goes uhm, it wasn't Steve, it was like one of the stunt people was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, and I went like, and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just jumped on, he was like, if you happen to turn that shit on and you're on a real street and it affects anybody in any way and they find out that a not police officer did that, they're like, this whole thing is done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the production's shut down, they're gonna get sued, you're gonna get sued, I mean, they'd be like, I mean, I get it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without, obviously, no details. Look how sad his face got. No, no, wait a minute. Tell, tell again. What did he say about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that it feels good to tie somebody up, then keep them in a room for a while, because you have so much control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, I get that, when you first heard it, when you first heard it, like maybe from him, uh, do you have like a visceral reaction to hearing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like a violent temper? Or just like kind of standoffish and weird? Uhm, violence. Violence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's me, you ready? And, action! Ehhhh, I gotta get a fuckin' sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So can we reference, by the way, you know, you showed us, uh, something that's being painted, right? Yeah, yeah. So you asked us when you, uhm, you have a really cool thing happening at your new place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, painting this, uh, mural of everybody in podcasting and whoever did it was kind enough when they painted us to have the head of somebody and you're like, I don't know who this is. This is who they painted with us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's designing, uh, some costumes, some dolls, he's got antiques, he has some alcohol, he, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me, uhm, what's that? Cause I don't know something. Why is it the Rat King? Why is that a thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On your way up, like even on your way, when you're really grinding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, he's really, he's super down. He makes videos just like this for people listening. He's standing on his back porch and there's always a setup of something a few steps beneath him. In this case, we see folding chairs. Go ahead and uhm, play this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he jumping onto this time? Bricks. Just bricks, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a generous way of describing him, but yeaah. He just puts those up and he's got him jumping on to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, I totally forgot about that. Oh yeaah. Okay, invitation only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like this is the origin of it. Was it a big deal when he came on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, no, I'm saying this is what, this was the, so what happened was he came on and he goes, Theo thinks you don't like him. Right. And then we were like, that's silly. That was true. But why does that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always had, I mean, we didn't know each other like really well. I've always had like good friendly interactions with you. I mean, I can remember, I'm pretty good at remembering conversations. I can remember like specific conversations, even dating back like a dozen years with you. Jesus Christ, really? Maybe I thought you were somebody else then. I mean, I, I mean, I remember talking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you talked to me outside the Melrose Improv about 12 years ago, and you asked me a question about writing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we just talked about it. Yeah. And then I mean, I wouldn't see you again for, you know, like a year. Yeah, you don't see people for, even like at the con, people think at the comedy store, there's people, you can go to the comedy store for six months and not see somebody you know, because it's just different nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then I saw you, then I saw you again backstage at the main room. And I told you, I was like, I had asked somebody like, whose car is that? I love cars. And they told me it was your car. I was like, that's a nice car you got. And like we talked about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we talked about like some business stuff, and then, I was like, we, you gotta, I'd love to have you on the podcast, and we have to draw it out. Yeah. We gotta make it a- Oh yeah, we'll-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, can I make another point? When we talked that first time, this to me is the one, the only thing that I thought was like kind of silly about the whole thing is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the only thing I thought was said about the whole thing was somebody's thinking that it's, like I think I told you this, that it's weird, like I always thought without this taking place, you would be on, like at some point, like that it naturally happens. Like, I thought it's not weird to, I've known comics fifteen years who haven't been on the podcast. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, more to that point, it's like, like, like Kanaan, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we just had him. I did a hundred shows with him starting out. We taped our half hours together. We've done lunch, dinner together and like he came on two months ago for the first time. Wow. So I mean, to me, it's like, I'm like, that's not. It works out when it works out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't do that. Could it have been a woman with a similar haircut?


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[Assistant] I also am guilty of this in that I uhm, you know, I feel like loose and comfortable here. I uhm, you know, a lot of times at stand up shows, I just kind of get like tunnel.


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[Assistant] I'm thinking about like my set and even though I've been doing this, you know, 17, almost 18 years, I'm not like,


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, I'm not like, it might come across at a show like I'm not being, you know.


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[Assistant] We ended up leaving, and it wasn't anything dramatic. Like, it sounds like it's dramatic. It wasn't. That's Al Madrigal, Bill Burr. I love those guys. They're great. We just started producing our own content here. Well, when he asked me about it, I'm like, eh, it feels like a business conversation that maybe shouldn't air. That's why we did edit that out.


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[Assistant] See, so he, he asked me about that and we cut that out. Okay. So that's, no, that's part of, so for people listening or who don't know, this fueled like the, you don't want, cause they associated that edit out of like we're talking about you.


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[Assistant] This is the one we did. This I sent you. I sent you, I sent, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's nice. That is actually really, really remarkable of you. This was a purposeful edit we did where uhm, I cannot believe how dumb some people are. No, this one's different. Is this the?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Callan, or he's got that other, uh, show with the mouse guy.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so the set up for this, just so it's clear, is like, I think I sent you this, but uhm, so we, I told Ethan and Hila, ask me about like the Theo beef, and then we'll do a deliberate cut.


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[Assistant] Okay. Teddy is real sweet. Wait, Teddy's cute.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is, so this is me texting with Theo. I go, uh, I called you the mouse guy on this thing. And you can just see that, you know, we're laughing and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he says, I'm gonna do a call in thing. So we started like texting each other.


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[Assistant] This stuff, right? Um, then I, oh, he told me, he sent me this one, he goes, don't, you wrote to me, it's a screen grab of Shob's post, and you wrote, don't say anything, because he posted he was doing a show, and then you wrote, wow, not invited? Okay, Tom Sugar, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Dude, but here's the thing, like, to me, it's like, it's so clearly, like, comedians making, like, it feels like, if you show that to somebody, they'd be like, it's just people joking around. People took this shit seriously, man. People took it really seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes. At the height of people bugging me about having you on, I just started to post, I was like, hey, who do you guys want us to have on the show? Yeah, this one got them fired up. Yeah, this got people real fired up.


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[Assistant] To only say we're separated by 40 pounds. He's a, he's a sweet guy. That was really my first thought. I was like, if you're gonna be a dick, you'd be like, I gotta gain fucking 80, you know what I mean? 40's like a reasonable number. Like you can get through 40 pounds in a diet.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, and that shirt is now available in our store. It's the invitation only shirt. Uhm, thank you for coming. It was a lot of fun. Thank you guys.


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[Assistant] Yes, you bring your girlfriend next time. Yeah, Brenda will and then let's fucking do that I would love to have the two of you here together


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[Assistant] That, that actually was something that people were calling him and they showed one of his, I saw a clip of one of his early fights in the UFC and like the winner by decision is Brendan Schwab. Like they didn't even say his name correctly on the, no it's terrible but you see him going like, fuck a guy, I can't even say my name right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This right here is a selenite charging plate. This little friend of mine is a selenite palmstone. And this is a selenite wand that works with your chakra. Selenite is great, it never needs cleansing or charging, and anything you place on or near it gets cleansed and charged. Your lazy quick witch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hilarious. I get messages now once in a while, I don't know, it's some Asian language, so I don't, we just moved near like a lot of Koreans, so I don't know if somehow that figure, I have no idea how they figure, I don't know how they find you, the spam callers, but it's spam in another language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't steal the fruit. Oh, is that how you do it? That's what she said. Wow, I never thought, you know, we tried in our old house, we tried to have peach trees and the damn squirrel would always eat it. Always. I wish I would have known about this plastic bag thing. Yeah, you're Persian.


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[Assistant] Well now I got on WhatsApp, people that don't want to type will do that voice message, and they'll leave it, and it always starts with, listen bro, I didn't want to leave you, I didn't want to text because I just wanted you to hear this, and so, uhm, listen, and then they keep going, going, and after a while, I'm sorry this is a little long, I literally just got one, it says like four minutes, I'm like, I gotta listen to this whole thing.


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[Assistant] And for me, it's like, I'm not a politician. I don't need to, you know, I don't need to vet out your questions if I know this is off ground. I'm like, the whole point is, ask me the question. It's kind of like what your buddy did, which is to call you and give you the precursor. Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's funny because you say that because I've actually been, I'm impressed when somebody has done that research. And then they'll say like, so you, uh, whatever, you grew up in Marin County. I go, Ooh, you read about me. Yeah. This is good. It's exciting.


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[Assistant] Well, then the opposite is also true in that as stand-ups, we've done so much morning radio, this, that, the other, you start to learn, okay, I need to, like, you know, this is this kind of interview, so there's a morning radio, so I need to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to like have some punch lines. I can't dilly dally too long. I'm here for like two minutes. I gotta get it out, right? And then cause I did a TV show, I was on a show in


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[Assistant] I think it was 2004 and it was a bunch of young actors on it and they had the Fox publicist come and talk to us to train us how to answer questions and a lot of it was like, you know, don't say anything controversial, speak well about the show, like this whole Constance Wu thing that she just went and tweeted.


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[Assistant] That's wild. It's like, listen, I understand as someone who's been on sitcoms, like I know it can get boring and I know that you like, okay, you, maybe you're not into it artistically, but you know what? Don't tweet it. Tell your buddies, be like, ah shit. I don't know what happened. Tell me what happened because I don't follow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her fresh off the boat just got renewed for like season 7 or whatever it is. She was also in, uh, Crazy Rich Asians, which I saw parts of. I didn't see the whole thing. But I guess she's, you know, her career's taken off. She's doing great. I don't know her that well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, supposedly once it got renewed, the news came out like, you know, fresh out of the boat renewed, and then she commented, aww shit, or something like that. And then, but more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, but the other thing though, she kinda tried to say, but in saying it, she had a lot of like, it basically dissed fresh off the book, cause she was like, you know, you guys don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was because of my reaction, I had another project that I was really excited about. Don't get me wrong, I love Fresh Off the Boat, but I just like a challenge and this is really easy and it's too easy, and now she's kind of like dissing Fresh Off the Boat. And then she ended this letter, I've been seeing the coverage of it again, it's like she ended the letter with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, the reason I even got into this was just like the training that you get from publicists to say, just be careful what you say. So again, I understand the frustration as an actor of being on a show and being like, oh god, this is just dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you sound ungrateful, but you know what you gotta do is, I think again, like I said, it's not like- You text your buddy that way. Text your buddy, or just tell your wife or husband or whatever, is be like, ah shit, you know? Because part of it, by the way, is she's probably getting paid, I don't know, 100 grand an episode or something. I know. So a lot of people are like, come on man. Yea, that's the part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're really lucky. The way I break it down is like, first of all, it's really hard on a multicam to feel artistically fulfilled. Cause multicam, especially nowadays, back in the day there was one or two here that were really like, oh wow, we're saying something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nowadays it's really hard and, but the way I look at it, I go first of all, especially if you've got a family, the hours are easy as an actor, right? The money's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so get the money, do the hours, the people, especially if you got pleasant people, you don't have some like crazy show runner or something. And then go off and do your one woman show or whatever it is you need to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Season wraps? You know, you got the money, just put on a one week. Constance Wu, this, you know, this Friday at the Amundsen Center.


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[Assistant] Listen, I've also, I've also run into, I did a guest star on Grey's Anatomy, and like their schedule is crazy. I guess they do like 22 or 24 episodes or something, and one of the guys on there, Single Cam, and one of the guys,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was, he told me, he was like, listen man, I'm, I work like nine months a year, he's making great money. But he goes, a lot of people will ask me, they go, why don't you do a movie when you're off? He goes, because I've just finished nine months of crazy hours. But still, listen man, he's still, he's making good money. And he seemed to be like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I always put that, like whenever I hear any comedian or anybody like get an attitude, I go, dude, you know, you're not saving lives.


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[Assistant] You're just, you know, I mean, cause look, I'll be honest with you, recently touring,


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[Assistant] Especially with my kids and my family, like I've gotten, there's been times where I've been in a city and going like, God, I just, I wish I were home. I really don't want to be here right now. And then I'll be honest, once I get on that stage for that hour that I'm on, I really am like, okay, this is, I love doing it. I'm in it. I'm in the moment.


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[Assistant] But then, again, I pinched myself and I go, I go, dude, you know how lucky you are? Even in this business, forget the oil rig, we have actor friends who, when the show is done,


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[Assistant] It's depressing. They get depressed. Like they gotta drive Uber or they gotta do something else and it's like, and I was telling my wife, I go, you know how lucky I am to have like 20 years ago said, I love doing this. I don't mind hanging out till two in the morning at the comedy store.


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[Assistant] This is fun. And it still is by the way. Like last night I did, uh, I did that god damn comedy jam. Have you guys done that? Yeah, it's Josh's right? Josh's. Yeah. It's so much fun and just coming out of it and saying bye to everybody. You know, what's that? Somebody sounds like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, sounds like you're decompressing some air out of something. It's gone. Stop.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, so I'm just wondering like, it took 42 years for you to realize you can get the shoulders and the legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was taught you gotta respect your elders, respect your parents, listen to them, all this stuff. Whereas my American friends were taught like independence, talk back, whatever, whatever. Cause we used to get hit, my mom used to hit us with a hanger, pull our ears, all kinds of shit. And it was like, and respect is huge in the culture.


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[Assistant] So one of the first times I was like, I don't know, fifth grade, sixth grade, I was at my buddy Jesse's house, and Jesse's parents had divorced, and his mom said something to Jesse, and Jesse said something like, Mom, shut up! And I just was like, oh shit, Jesse's about to get his head knocked.


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[Assistant] And then she said something like, Jesse, you're too much. And she walked away. I go, what? I go, that's it?


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[Assistant] Possibly the reason you didn't question some of this stuff was, possibly, either your parents did that to you when you were younger, or you felt like that was the way to go. You gotta wrap it around, you know, your mom was like, Christina, you put around, you walk, you get no time, we don't have time, we have to go. I don't know, that's like a Russian accent, so I'm not, sorry.


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[Assistant] Which would be a weird, that would be a weird perversion on urine. Honey, let me dry your shoulders.


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[Assistant] I keep buying chargers and it should be like, where, I can't, it should be upset. Where's the chargers? And I'm like, mine is always there and it's no longer there. So you took it.


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[Assistant] So they'll have like, they'll have, they're very specific about the things they buy, the things they do. I love this type of shoe. And they're on it. And they're like, oh yea, when the new gadget comes out, I'd like to know the new gadget. They're like, they're on it. Right away. They're all right away on it. So I wonder if they were encouraged as kids to like go, honey, you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's a reality show on Bravo, and it's kinda like, uh, Jersey Shore but for Persians. Exactly. Right? Perfect. LA Persians. LA Persians, yeaah. Westwood? Full disclosure, I actually dated MJ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I dated her for a few years, and I was friends with, and I knew Reza, I knew all those guys. Yeah, I knew all those people. So I knew them back then, alright. So that's full disclosure, out the gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and she was like doing real estate, and Rez I think did real estate, whatever. Anyway, so long story short, like towards the mid, like 90, 98 or so break up, I get in a stand up, actually I got in a stand up right around the time we broke up, and then after that, you know. Mercedes. Yeah, yeah, Mercedes, Mercedes, yeah exactly.


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[Assistant] In that like, even like my wife will have on the Kardashians just in the background. And I just.


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[Assistant] It's an interesting way to learn about a culture, because a lot of Iranians, like you said, are very proud and stuffy about our culture.


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[Assistant] Just like this, like Bumbling Idiot Who Saves the World. And I co-wrote it, and then I starred in it, and it was just a silly comedy. Yea, we made it basically- Vestwood. Jimmy Vestwood, yea. So we basically made it for like- Hilarious. 12 year old boys and stoners. Like that's who we wanted to see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so there were a lot of 12 year old boys who liked it, but then there was a lot of these older Persians who were like, this is a disgrace to our culture, you know, we are not


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[Assistant] Well, I think that a lot of people are proud of their cultures and then the problem becomes when we come to America and your culture has been demonized.


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[Assistant] Taking the Shahs or taking something like Jimmy, which is just a, you know, just like silly slapstick. In my opinion, it's actually a subversive way to show people, like you just said, you're talking about Nowruz. Now, would you have known about Nowruz, the Persian New Year, if it weren't through the Shahs of Sunset? So in a way, it's kind of like going like, hey, we're silly, silly, silly. Oh, here's a lesson. Da da da da da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, you know, I mean, again, I don't know, you know, this goes back to the whole idea on reality shows. And even like, like when you're on a regular show, people think, oh, you guys are all best friends. And you're like, no, we just film together. And then that person goes off and I go do my thing. So I have no idea who hangs with whom and why and how, I don't know. And I, but I do know that, like I said,


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[Assistant] It was, at first there was a lot of controversy, then a lot of the people in the community I think did start to embrace them because they were like, oh, these guys are not celebrities. Yes, question, yes.


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[Assistant] So they had asked the wife, what's the craziest place you've ever had sex before? And the wife said like, on a pool table or something? And then the guy comes back and goes, so what's the craziest place?


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[Assistant] A lot of my friends were just white dudes, and I had a handful of Persian friends who I'd met through my, so, so when we came from Iran to America, uhm, eh, you know, obviously my parents had Persian friends, so, so I met the kids of those families. And there was a handful of us, and they all knew each other because there were so few of them.


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[Assistant] So they would be like, oh, Friday night we're going to Eskandaripur's house, Saturday night we're going to Masoudi's house, and so we go to these different houses, and there was a couple friends who were really close friends of mine who were same grade and happened to have Persian parents in America. And I would say that our experiences though were a lot more American than our parents. I hated going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like my, these parties where like my parents would have like Persian music playing in the background.


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[Assistant] The same way you had that epiphany about the towel and like, and maybe this was something in my chat, like I had this, I had this aversion towards those types of parties because it was so formal. So I just growing up, I remember


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I, I started, I had a, uh, like the type of woman that I was attracted to was like dark haired, exotic, but not Iranian. I was like, I want, I want to meet like Latina women because, and why is that?


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[Assistant] And that was because I felt like Iranian women that came with that formality of like dressing up and, you know, this is how I'm gonna present myself, but from what I would hear behind closed doors, doing whatever they wanted to do. So just the whole hypocrisy of it.


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[Assistant] I think there's a formality that comes with a culture. Even the language, like, like we have in Persian, we have just like you have in French and in Spanish, you have the formal you and the, you know, the informal. So in Persian, you meet people and it's all formal. You gotta go formal, formal. And at a certain point,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, growing up in America, I felt like there was all these, like, when I would talk to somebody who would talk to me and use the formal you, I just felt like, unless if it was like an older person, but if they were of the same age and now they're talking to me with formal, I just felt like, it was also


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[Assistant] I love that, I love that. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, my dad had this lawyer in, in, in Marin County, his name was John, and this guy was a big drinker, and my dad was a big drinker. And it was one of the first times I saw an adult come, and he was, you know, American, and my dad was a Persian dude, but like,


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[Assistant] I don't think his Persian friends would ever come over and like just openly cuss.


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[Assistant] We have a family friend who's this Iranian woman.


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[Assistant] Who is like probably younger than my mom but like older than me. And I would hear her cuss in Persian. And she was totally, and she was of this like, she was like


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[Assistant] She'd been married to somebody who was, you know, uh, royalty or whatever, but I just loved how easy going she was. She'd be like, get the fuck out of here. And I was like, I love this lady. So that kind of stuff, cause we all know this stuff is happening. So the formality that comes with the culture would kind of turn me off. So I didn't like to go to those things a lot.


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[Assistant] Uhm, now that I'm older, like I, I, I, you know, I'll go to, I, I, my friends, a lot of my friends are Iranian American and will go, but I still am not into the bling, like I'm not-


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[Assistant] I ran it, when I first came down to LA from Northern California, it was like, again, in Marin, there was a lot of wealth, but it was a lot more subtle back then. I talk about it in my standup, I go like, I knew guys whose dads were like the CEO of a bank, but the guy would be in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my parents already, my father who wasn't super blingy was already blingy. So he'd have a, you had to have a Mercedes because he was Persian.


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[Assistant] And then anytime his friends would be running out of money, they would tell my dad, hey man, I got this Rolls-Royce, will you buy it? Or I got this car, will you? My dad was taking stuff off people's hands. But he would, you know, he'd like to be driving it. And I was mortified. I was so embarrassed to be in the Rolls-Royce because I'm like that.


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[Assistant] There's the hostage thing going on. Oh, right. Right? Already they're calling us like oil well tycoons at the school. You know, you get teased already. They used to call us fucking Iranian during the hostage crisis. That's what they would call it. And I'm lucky, like I think I was because I was relatively nice. I don't think I ever got beaten up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they would beat you up. They stole the pedals off my bicycle. I don't know who or what or what. During that conflict? During around that conflict.


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[Assistant] Again, I do, I do a joke about it on stage, but there was this guy who was in the 6th grade, I believe, I'm 99% sure he called me fucking Iranian. And I was like, I don't know what to say back to him. And then they stole the pedals, and then there was, and there was a black kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so, and then, and then like there was a black kid who was in the 5th grade who kinda like helped me. He's like, yeah bro, you know, you just like turn the other cheek kinda thing. And on the stage I go, the guy put his arm around me and was like, hey bro, I've been dealing with this shit for 200 years. Let me tell you how you gotta deal with it. But the truth is that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up there, like I said, I wasn't, there was a lot of wealth, but it wasn't as blingy, and then I come down here and I see the bling, and in all honesty, again, I was always turned off by the bling, like I'm always just a little bit, like, like to this day, I'm 47, that's a great bling, I mean, you gotta have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice gentleman's watch. I was like, it's time to do it. And I started looking and there was a Rolex that had this orange hand. I love the color orange. It had this orange hand, but it was silver. And I was like, maybe I'll get that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, exactly. And then I go, maybe I get that, and then I was like, tsk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should be all over that gold. I know. And I was like, and even like now I've found like my cousin who collects watches from time to time, he's the Philippe Patek, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He took me to like the, I was in, I was doing a show in Switzerland, Geneva. Those are serious. They're serious. So it was in Geneva. It's the heart of Philippe Patek. It's where it started. I had no idea what these things cost. Like they're, they go up to like millions of dollars. They start at like 35, start at 35. So he took me and they were showing me the watches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it, without knowing the pricing, like the one that I liked was the one with a black band as opposed to anything


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't like super bling. I don't know why. I didn't like it either. You are not Persian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, once you're at a certain age where you're like you've worked on yourself, I think part of that for me is a big deal. Like I feel like a lot of people at a younger age embrace that because they've seen their parents do it, now they start doing it, and it's like, listen, work on yourself first. That also goes for like plastic surgery. I think that's big in our culture. The Persians get plastic surgery left and right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, I think Iran has one of the highest rates of nose jobs. Sure. Like for a while, from what I heard, Iran, in Iran, it was almost a status symbol. You had to have that little bandaid here. Yea dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deviated septum, yeaah. And I'm like, my whole point is like, listen, help this kid find themselves, like I love when I see, like for example, Yara Shahidi, you know Yara Shahidi, the girl on Blackish, the black girl on Blackish, beautiful girl, if you see her, you'll know who I'm talking about. Her father is Persian, her mother is African American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this kid, she's on Blackish, and you see her, and on Blackish, she's playing, you know, teenager, fifteen year old, whatever, and so they always have like a new hairdo, and she's always on her phone, and she's kinda, she's kinda sassy a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, I've met her a few times and she's like totally opposite that character and then one time it just really stood out. She was on Colbert and she was being interviewed for I guess Blackish or whatever and


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[Assistant] He asked her, and she's like, I'm turning 18. And he goes, what are you doing for your 18th birthday? And he, and by the way, she showed up, like nerdy glasses, like just like really down to earth looking. He goes, what are you doing for your 18th birthday? She goes, I'm holding a voting, a voter, uh, birthday. I'm getting my friends to register to vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so that's why I think that's the kind of stuff that made me go, I don't want it. Like even now at the age of, I'm 47 now and it's funny because again, my parents had Mercedes and I've been in Mercedes and some of these Mercedes are beautiful and like, and it's the, and it's nice and it's got great things, like great features. And there's been times where I've been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I think I'm at the age where I could get a Mercedes, but I'm like, no, I still get like the Audi. Not to say I'm any more superior, but I just feel like there's something in the back of my mind that makes me feel like it's more blingy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think again, I think once you're mature and you're at a certain age where you've like, you know, you've, you've


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[Assistant] You know, you've actually lived life a little bit and you've got a personality, then you do what you want. But I just feel like the unfortunate thing in my culture I see a lot is that people put, like, I've seen kids, you know, teenagers with Mercedes. That's stupid. I want to talk to those parents and be like, do you know what you're doing to these kids? They're going to wrap around them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, have the kid, you know, put him in a, like a used car, let him learn, like, I, I had, you know, I had jobs, uh, you know, working at a sandwich place when I was 13 or 14, and that was the best thing I ever did, because even though my father had money at the time, I just felt, it feels good, and you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I run into some of these kids again, like in the, in our community, and like, not as much, but, but you'll see them from time to time. And like, and the kid is like, you know, even if you're, even if it's like the kid's getting good education and all this other stuff, I just, I go, look, this kid's never


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why working in a deli or something, you're working with the manager or the other guy that's working with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his job. He's got a family. Just hearing about that guy and going like, he's like, oh, I gotta go take my kids, this and that. And you're like, wait a minute, you're making 12 bucks an hour and you're running a family? It's crazy. You know, so at 14, expose yourself to that. So then at least you sit there and go, shit, I gotta do something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So confusing, you're right, and part of it was, I started to find out, so I guess they used to call it the Persian Empire, the West called it Persia.


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[Assistant] And then I think, I was just looking this up recently, I think Iran means the land of the Aryans, I believe. Because Iranians come from the Caucus Mountains. So we're the Aryans before it became Hitler's Aryans. Like, I mean, we're original white people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And, uh, and so I think it became a political thing where, uh, so, uh, the, the, the Shah who was overthrown in the last revolution, 79, his father, I think, was like, listen, in like 1935 or something, he said, stop calling it


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[Assistant] I know people that were saying they were Italian at the time because they didn't want to be associated with Iran. My dad is from Northern Iran, so he speaks Turkish, which is like Azerbaijani, so he would sometimes say he's Turkish just to like not deal with it. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, you got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what happened was there was so much negative, there was so much negative stuff with Iran, whether it was the hostage crisis, Iran-Contra, Not Without My Daughter, that movie, it was constant bad press.


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[Assistant] The other day I was at the Improv. I'm doing a show talking to the guy in the front. Where are you from? I'm Mexican. Talk to the lady next to him. I say, you Mexican too? She goes, I'm Spanish. I go, you're from Spain? No. She goes, I'm Latina.


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[Assistant] That they should call it Persian, because that's the language. So it's kind of like saying like,


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[Assistant] Like if a Spanish person would say they speak Espanol, but we say they speak Spanish.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm all, and I, by the way, I changed them left and right. So when I first started doing stand-up, intentionally I would say I'm Iranian because I kind of wanted to put it in people's faces and go, look, I'm proud. I'm not trying to hide behind anything. I did a whole bit about how Iranians say they're Persian and all that stuff.


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[Assistant] Hosting Saturday Night Live, you might end up running Saturday Night Live, like that's how it felt. And I was thinking about how, and I'm sure you guys have had these types of moments where, when you first start out, like I'm not one of these guys who goes, here's my one year plan, my five year plan, my ten year plan, none of that. I was just like, I just want to be a regular at the clubs, I'd like to get on the late night shows, would love to have a sitcom, and that was it.


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[Assistant] But never in my wildest dreams would I thought I would ever perform at the White House. And it was just the universe coming together so what happened was


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[Assistant] Under the Obamas, they started doing this thing where they would reach out to different communities and they would encourage them to come and like they would throw a party for, you know, like the Greek community to celebrate whatever the Greek Orthodox people celebrate and, you know, the Muslim community and this and that. So for Noroos, for Persian New Year,


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[Assistant] Uhm, they did an event at the White House and actually Obama had a handful of Iranian American people working in his administration. And these were people that have grown up in America and they're very like,


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[Assistant] One of the first years, they invited me, because in the Persian community, I'm well known. And so Sam Tripli says, because you're like the Persian Elvis, otherwise known as Pelvis. And so, so, you know, in putting their guest list together, they invited me and I was like, what is this? And they go, well, you know, we're going to have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't like hanging out with Michelle Obama. It was like, oh, there she is and here I am eating at the White House. So, so the second time I got invited, it was again, the organizers reached out and they said we would like you to actually speak at this event.


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[Assistant] And that's when I was like, wait a minute, what are you talking about? And I didn't realize, like, the gravity of it. And so, what they did was, again, I got a chance to bring my wife, and my mom, and my sister, and my family, and my kids, and we all went there, and it was a Persian New Year event, and they said, basically, you're gonna go up, and it's funny because,


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[Assistant] As a stand up, I thought, I thought they wanted me to like do stand up. So I kind of came up with like a, like a speech that had already built in jokes. So I kind of, and I put it together and I'm going, and then they go, you're going to do five minutes and then you're going to bring up Michelle Obama. I was like, what?


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[Assistant] I just took, I took this little bit that I'd done and then I got to meet her in the room before, like, she met our family, we have this picture that's like one of our favorite pictures, we're all together, and it was funny because


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[Assistant] Uhm, I later came to realize every time you see these guys talk, like the, you know, Trump Now Speak or whatever, that podium that they're standing on, that was the same podium I was at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, and it goes back to, like, whenever I get a chance, I talk to, like, my mom and dad wanted me to be a lawyer, and they were really pushing for that, and they never would have wanted me to do this. They tried to talk me out of this. So whenever I get a chance and I talk to somebody young, I go, listen dude, if you like something,


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[Assistant] Go for it. Screw your parents. You gotta live for yourself. That's true. And it doesn't mean necessarily you're gonna be successful at it, but at least you'll be happy. That's true. At least. Pursuing what you love to do. Yea, and then maybe you'll get a chance to go to the White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I have my own podcast going now. It's called Back to School with Maz Jobrani. Back to School with Maz Jobrani and I'm on social media at Maz Jobrani and you can find the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, all that stuff. So hit me up at Maz Jobrani, Twitter, Instagram. I'm teaching a Persian word of the week every week.


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[Assistant] He is so crazy. Here you go, watch this. He is so crazy.


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[Assistant] They'll heal up in the next day or so, uhm, we can't leave until the sandstorm goes away though.


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[Assistant] This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by Satva Luxury Mattress, the only online mattress company that provides free delivery, setup and mattress removal. Try it out.


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