[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Public defecation, shitting in public. It's, it's popping right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black guys love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck. You gotta fuck. I need to be fucked a lot, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Move in, a friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss on me, you beat me, a home man out. You see me when I come over today, try it out, try it out, man. You see my building, try it out. You wanna fuck a piss on me, try it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would see him go into the launch position and I'd say, oh my gosh, here it comes. You've never heard anything like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't say anything, he's like, bloody bitch, fucking, fuck you mother, mother bitch. And he's like, what the fuck man. They all say what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some stuff, he's master of the dark, I see that on his shirt. But can I tell you, I'm gonna admit to something, is that I've honestly had the same stupid thought too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you're like, if I smell up all the smells, then maybe no one else will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a bad vision and the dog collar is kinda, I don't know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how we have the fan on the stove when you're cooking smelly things? Right. It sucks it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what if he has like Michael Phelps powerful lungs? You don't know what he's capable of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's a booth? It's like the, where we buy like LJ's little squishy balls. Yeah, it's that kind of thing. It's the booth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's not a weekender with this attire. This is a full time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a goth, your employment options are rather limited. I mean, there's movie theater, you can work there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uh, uh, uh, we had a debate as to how much my boobs weighed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not cool. It can't be 22 for one. I'm going to guess 10 and 10. 20 total. I think about 20 each. No, no, you're, no, you're exaggerating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause here's my problem, is that I can't be objective when I lift them myself. Of course you can't. I can't really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking 20 total, cause my back, it's really hard to sit, to be upright. I might meet you halfway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not less than 15. If you're a medical, uh, person, let us know. How much do big tits weigh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I feel like too, I can't, I can't weigh my tits on a bathroom scale. No, it's not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, if you know what the fuck we need, have it sent to us so we can weigh my tits and let's take bets and let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back in action. So we're gonna weigh my tits, that's what we decided.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your Super Bowl fart was, uh, really out, just out there. Like it, it was kind of uncalled for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you were wearing your boxers, like you had your full dad outfit on, it was just a t-shirt, the boxers, and then you lifted a leg and you looked at both Ellis and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your bowel movements have been extra smelly lately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I might say so myself, that is a perfect thing for a coffee mug, because that's what happens when you drink coffee. That's the next stop. That's your next stop, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what, I read those too and I was a little upset because I'm like, I'm sick, assholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's so silly. I mean, look, I was congested. I've been sick for two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, first of all, that was seasonal because of my sickness. The real breathing champ is Top Dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe he can't hear so well. Maybe his hearing isn't great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate the person on the airplane that the leg shaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so we watched the Griselda Blanco film, Lifetime, which I'm a huge fan of Griselda's. I've been wondering why they haven't made more movies and more series around her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's great because, you know, the Lifetime television version is going to be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, softer, A, and B, mom-friendly. So Griselda Blanco in real life-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so anyways, so she's a sociopath, undoubtedly a psycho. She invented the drive by shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean and how neat to be credited as the inventor of something so efficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's a real psycho, this lady, and, uh, but the Lifetime television version, because she's the mother of four children,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes her out to be a loving, doting mom, which is hilarious to me. Like she's concerned with the kid's grades and I, you better do better in school, like all this shit. Like she probably wasn't caring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very distracting. I'm watching the show Victoria. It's a television series, a BBC series. And there's two brothers. They're from Austria. One of them does an Austrian accent really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other guy that plays his brother does an English accent. So, how the fuck is it that both y'all are brothers in Austria and one of you is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like when they would have Lou Diamond Phillips play the parts of like Richie Valens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where we replace, we try to sneak in the word fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the food order. Now the other day when I went to eat lunch, and there were artichokes, grilled artichokes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you dared me to say fartichokes to the waiter and I asked a question and I snuck it in. It was great. I was like, are these fartichokes grilled?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or battered or fried, yeaah. It was so fun and he didn't, he didn't seem to catch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he caught it and was like, oh, stupid lady, dumb broad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a fun game to play to just sneak it into, uh, whatever you're doing with a friend to a waiter and see if they catch on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best part is that, nope, but you wouldn't correct somebody. Like if I were waiting tables and somebody said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have been calling a lot of people mommy, like everybody I call mommy now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and no, I've gotten zero blowback on that. I'm talking like, you know, TSA agents, uh, grocery store clerks. Everybody's just mommy now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? Okay, well I'll just play this real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, I would even dare say what you're saying, if we go to Starbucks, instead of, hey mommy, thanks jeans. Hi, I'm Tom, I'm a ballhawk, I like to order a uh, double tall, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I get mad when you cheat on me in my dreams and stuff, yea. You know why? It's cause I was heavy into glow at the time, I think. It was. It actually happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, and I don't want to give away anything, but you do find a part of yourself maybe that you, you know, you become a little more paternal. Let's say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that one. You know what I liked, uh, is that you guys went through with it, and it wasn't usually- Yea, it was just a matter of fact. Yea, and TV shows, they never go through with it. The woman's always like, eh, I changed my mind. It was nice just to see it, and it's not like, it just happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys get donuts after, was that the thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Denver Improv, they put you up at a hotel, which is just by our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I feel like all these meat places, it's really the sauce. Like don't you feel like, like I like dreamland barbecue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, this is the opposite of coming, because look at all this gear they have on, it's an elaborate thing, goes on for hours and hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the loose items like apples, everyone's been touching those anyways for days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one or two stray apples. Wait, they do that to preserve the bacteria?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started going to grocery stores with a kiddo, you know, just as an outing. And I noticed, I'm like, there's like 15 different varieties of apples. When the fuck did this happen? Cause when I was a kid, it was like red and green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so would you rather, now this, this one, if you're a hardcore fan of this show, uh, this is the very first would you rather. Classic. Classic jeans that I- He's just like seven, eight years old. Yeah, we came up with this, uh, with a red band. This is an old school one. Oh wow. Okay, now I know you're a fan of music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And films. So this one's kind of great for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather the only film you may watch, and this will include television, so there's no like Netflix or TV shows. The only thing you can watch when you want to watch something is the movie Sister Act 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the only music you can listen to ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's gonna happen to us as a society? Cause everybody collectively is doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd skip around. I'd skip the first chapter of both. I'd look at the chapter headings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then just go to what I'm interested in. To what you want to read. More or less, cause it is a repetition. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, would you rather be married to Lena Dunham, and you can't fake it, you can't be like, we have different rooms, like you're living as man and wife, you're sleeping in the same bed, you have a regular marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you speak, before you say a sentence, you have to say Hile Hitler. So it'll be like, Hile Hitler, I'm Mark Merring, welcome to the show today. Like, everything you say is Hile Hitler, and then you can say your sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well of course, both things will ruin your life to a certain extent. Do you want your personal life ruined or do you want your public life ruined?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's obsessive, because I think we all have that a little. It's like the fear thoughts, but then she's, she really loops on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the back, my hands look older than your hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daniel, I grew up watching Glow. That was my show as a kid. So to see a show about that, yea, in LA, it was huge. It was huge. So fucking rad, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you guys doing it too? Sober October? Fuck no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, uh, no, who asked that? Burt. He came over and he's like, Hey, Push, how come you never do these contests? I'm like, cause I'm not fucking retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the problem is there's no, it's all, it's all the honor system, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of girl do you think, what's the girl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yeaah, it's like the last step before you, you go clean, you get married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. What do you think of this guy's hat? That's a hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because look at his hair. Okay, look at the hair to hat ratio. It kinda pokes out like all cute, right? Like, and then he, look at his cute little bracelet. See, he's got like this, show us your bracelet. It's like your string. Oh no, it's just a watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like, uhm, like Isaac Brock from Modest Mouth. Like you've got that kinda Isaac Brock thing, yea. See? He's like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and that two year old that I have with you. Hold on, let me take off my matching jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put mine on first and then you put yours on, but then it's shiny, we look like a dorky couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that? The scrum. You say, eat the scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something, if I were the girl that did eat your scrum, you would never marry me. Like, that girl is the dirty girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. That's a nasty girl who eats a scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fisher lady, would you eat a scrum? Hell no. No, that's just for host.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nooo! We liked Ralphie. And you know what was cool about Ralphie is that he was legit a nice human being. And in our business that is really fucking rare. Like he was always kind no matter what, right? Like he was never shitty to anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that piece of shit Hugh Hefner died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's why. I feel like those girls, first of all, you didn't get paid shit to do that magazine. You lived in the house, you bunked with like four other chicks, right? You get paid, I don't know, what was the stipend a week to live? It wasn't a lot. I know the whole thing was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, and it was always this ruse of like, this is classy, like, no, it's dude, fucking, look bro, like, it's a Jack Mag, and that's fine, but just be a fucking jizz rag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, but on the, on the totem pole of fast food restaurants, there's nothing lower than Del Taco Bros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I like the uhm, just like the ratio, like the shell is crunchy and then the sour cream. The meat is dog shit, but the flavor is nice. It has the sauce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is a sauce. It's just Thousand Island with relish in it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what's the exposure lead to? Okay, so Jenny McCarthy, I'd say she's like the most famous, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think, I, I knew this girl from Road Rules, she posed in it, cause at one point they offered it to a lot of people, not me. But, uh, and, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my, especially now, holy shit. Uh, but she was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this girl was like, I go, I go, so dude, you, you did it. Did you tell your dad? And she goes, yeah, he was like real proud. He took a bunch of copies to his work and gave it out to his employees. I was all, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on some level, my dad's gotta be like, oh my god, I can't believe this is my fucking daughter, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of tits. Fuck. Dude, her titties ain't even that big. Like, mine are big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I'm not talking out of turn, you've discussed this in public, you make a lot. Like you're a high producer, as Yoshi would say, a strong performer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you say you could do like a half a pint a day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's, what would happen now if you tried to crank out seven?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a good business that never took off. It's cum gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were we watching last night? We were talking about old dudes. Oh, oh yeaah. The Versailles guy. The queen of Versailles. That's a long story. This old ass motherfucker was, how old is he? 78 or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The power is, the pussy power is gone. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I forget all words, we were in the Starbucks, and uhm, there was this fuckin' weird beard on his computer, uh, just with his feet up on the furniture like barefoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, this is my house. Fuck it. Like, no it's not, dude. And so we were thinking, like, that's so fucking nasty, dude, right? Like, can we agree that that's all- that is fucking nasty. But then there's stuff that I feel like is kind of borderline. So I got this email. This guy's from Finland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, I'm recently hanging out with a bunch of friends when the discussion turned to pissing in the shower. My friends were sharing stories of how good it feels to let it splash when taking a shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I immediately expressed my disgust, but was left completely alone with my stance on the matter. Turns out all my friends dabble in shower pissing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they made me feel like the weird one for not mixing golden showers with regular ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. But the urine kills the bacteria on your feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what about, is this nasty or not? Cause you just did this last night. Farting on the dog's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause here's the thing, it's kind of nasty, but then it's funny. So the funny kind of outweighs the nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool, right? That's normal. Yeah, that's not nasty at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nasty. Okay, what about being barefoot on an airplane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really nasty. What about painting your nails in public? I feel like that's permissible. That's not that nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I've done all, like I've done like almost all of these. Uhm, uh, putting on deodorant in public. That's nasty, but I've done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes. Here's what I used to do for my first years in comedy. I would be so nervous and sweaty that I would have comedy deodorant, like, in my car. So when I'd roll up to, like, the Laugh Factory, I'd fuckin' reach in the side pocket and put deodorant, like, extra on. That's not that nasty, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh stop. Now what about spitting in public?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Chinese people spit on them all over the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's true. I had a Chinese ex-boyfriend and he would tell me all the time, they spit everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well picking your nose in the car. In your own car. Is that nasty?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well we've got some other fascinating questions here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well here's a, since we're on the blind one, let's go there. Uhm, with all the blind questions coming in, this person writes, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but they don't, but you're saying that. Do you think retarded people tell jokes about retarded people? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, right. Look within their own context. For sure. Snack time or something like that. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause are they, I, do they're reproductive? Are they sterile? Yeah, yeah, I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's posit this theory. Okay, let's say that you have like a non, a non, what the fucking word? What's the PC shit to say now? A non-challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A non-mentally challenged person, but then you were raised by two mentally challenged


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. Well, we're two special people and we have a role. We very much are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uff, I know. Let's move on to another important thought provoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you think back, all those drugs, like fen-phen, didn't that give you diarrhea or something back in the 90s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or Olene, those chips. Olene, Olene chips would give you diarrhea and you wouldn't digest it and that would keep you skinny. So, I'm gonna go yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has anyone blacked out? Like has anyone passed out during hot yoga?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing is not to force yourself to do what other people are doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, an email came in, uh, says, what's up mamas? I recently noticed a lot of talk about Tom's obsession with death. And I think his obsession may be cultural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Tom, I'm of Hispanic descent and growing up my mother was obsessed with murder shows. It became a family event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a lot of fun to guess who did it and at the end you got satisfaction when they got caught. Even more so if you guessed the killer correctly. It was game-like. I have discussed this with some of my other Hispanic friends and it seems to be a reoccurring trend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have come to the conclusion that Spanish people just like to gossip and someone's death, murder, and funeral is hot gossip or at least it was in my small Spanish community. Much love from London, Ontario, hashtag fake London. Well, is that true?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're American proper. My family is opposite. We like to hear about, uh, the bad news. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh fuck, did you hear about Susie? What? He has a brain tumor. He's going to die. And you're like, I don't want to fucking know that shit, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's our cult, like the Eastern Blocker shit is like, we need you to be depressed too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hurricane Harvey. I mean, seriously. You know what it kind of sounds like? You know, like those, like remember how Stephen Hawking used to talk in his robot voice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny, dude. It does sound like a computer, like an updated Stephen Hawking speaking spell voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so true, I've just learned to let it go, like let other people's insanity go, this week in the south. You know, culturally, we all know I'm an elitist, I love LA, fuck, you know, never leave. Yeah, California's the best, there's no reason to leave. And uh, and just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, I love it here. And uh, you know, the south is just, it's not my culture, and I was just hearing, like the way they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're nice people, they're not bad people, but just culturally, it's so different. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a lot of apathy in the culture, you know, like, what's good to eat here? Well, there's a Wild Wings down the street, like I'm not gonna, I'm 41 years old, I'm not gonna go to fucking Wild Wings for dinner. Why can't you go to Wild Wings? You know what I mean? I'm just an adult, like I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't eat that shit before I perform. No, not pre-show, but post-show. Later, for fun, every now and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's what I was thinking of in Alabama, Birmingham. And we were so depressed because we were in Birmingham and then we went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we went to Wild Wings and bought like one of every flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, so nasty. But the point is, my point being, I could've judged them and get all upset and be like, why aren't they like, you know, why aren't they more like me? But then I was like, I gotta let that shit go, bro. You gotta fuckin' let it go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you let it go? Because I was too tired and exhausted like you said. Maturity. Yeaah. I was like I have a fucking kid at home, I don't give a shit about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was an old one, that's Pastor, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thinks that God is raining fury on the gays, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's totally there. In the 90s, it was like, full pumpin'. Everybody was saying, Hella. That's fuckin' Hella awesome. It's Hella, Hella, Hella. There was a girl on our floor, in the dorm rooms, we just called her Hella. Cause she said it so much. I don't even know her fuckin' name. We're like, What's up, Hella?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well can I go back to my art teacher look if you get your hat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do I get in exchange? Thank you, thank you sir. Thank you very much. Thank you sir. Do I get to go more goth? Can I get more witchy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but that guy's on another planet, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You snuck out of it last year and then you've not rescheduled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Since you've cleaned up your diet, you haven't had those blasters yet. Like as much. But I think what age do you have to start doing that as a guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, one's not, I mean, one's fresh out of a colonoscopy, so. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Intrigued the audience. Nothing's too gross for our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be the source. How much money do you want for that? Who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, from our liquor store, and it was a beer bottle, and you could scratch her, it was a scratch her part, and you could see like the chick's tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, my childhood was awesome, it sounds like. You guys are the weird ones here, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's disgusting, dude. That's the nastiest bug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, Tommy, would you rather be Burt's liver?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I might go with you on this one actually. Alright guys, clap for being Burt's liver. Yeaah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legally change your last name to Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Tom Hitler, and then now you're Tom Hitler, special comedian. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Or every time you speak, it's in baby talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what if I made it like you're talking but at a first grade level?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You walked into that one didn't you? God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your answer? I take, I take, uh, I take Hitler. Yeah. Yeah. Show applause for Hitler. Who takes Hitler? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get some old rich boyfriend, that's all you need. Alright, here we go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, would you rather, this one's more personal to Tom and I, uhm, every time we do it, it has to be while our son is crying in the next room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The caveat being like, the nanny's there, but he's crying, you can hear it, like it's annoying and it's distracting and sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Or every time we do it, the dogs get to stay on the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't. You do normally tune out the crying. It's amazing how you never seem to hear four in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you guys clap if you'd rather hear a baby crying as you're trying to make love to your spouse. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd still take the dogs. I cannot do my baby crying. It's like primal. Like I hear it, my uterus starts like quivering, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it would be nice if we could do a fill her up seal her shut spooky edition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so let's start with the dudes. I'm gonna go, uh, Edward Scissorhands. You guys know who the fuck that is? Johnny Depp? I know, it's kind of an older reference, so I don't know if you guys know. Okay, or Herman Munster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Herman Munster looks like Frankenstein for those of you who don't know, like, it's supposed to be Frankenstein. And then Edward Scissorhands is just hot ass Johnny Depp with some fucking blades on his fingers, you know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, Johnny, before he started drinking and hanging out with, uhm, what's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd go Johnny Depp, but like early Pirates of the Caribbean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, but I like, what's your favorite Johnny Depp era? Let's be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think that's what it's like for him now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's okay with him and not with Hef, cause Hef was gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he's that big, not like Herman. Herman was a big dude, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regular dick. But hot face, dude. Yeaah, you know, cause you'd hear about it. I feel like he's banged enough, hot people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, so for the ladies, okay, it's Morticia Adams, and I'm talking like the, the recent one, like for the, Angelica Houston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's goth, yea, goth. And then uhm, or Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's got that teenage angle, so it might be underage, I don't know if you wanna think about that. Babe, it's illegal, it's illegal!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but Morticia's all woman, like she's of age, she's got babies and shit. Tits situations alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Winona, where's my Winona? Yeah. She's the best, dude. She's so pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was always so skinny and gangly with those huge cans. Remember like Reality Bites and she had those fucking knockers on her, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God hasn't said, hey Dean, stop this, it's a sin. I don't want you to do this. What are you expecting? Until he does that, I'm gonna keep trying to help as many people as we can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that was fun. Uhm, so I don't know if you remember the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seems like it's, there's so much more to go after that you didn't need to do that, but go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you mean that the awesome part where you nut and you're like, I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean like if you hug someone and you're happy about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he's having an or- I think he's confused. He thinks that we're confused. I think he's confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what do you mean? Like you're tingling? Yeah, it feels good. I gave someone a hug. I like it. I like hugging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's, it's a, it's a little suspect when there's two people and they come hugging, you know, business and everyone else is like, I hug, I come, how come I can't make them line up like you guys and they're like, oh you need to take our class. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey buddy, I give you a hug, but I want to come on you. I got trained to come when I hug now, pal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that raw puss though? Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's that dry pus question though? I think that's the question that everybody's thinking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like Studio London might think that Studio Los Angeles is retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, unfortunately that's the end of the clip that we have. I would love to hear the follow up to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if he could do it. Maybe. I don't know. He was never that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know some guys, you know, their dads would get a little too familiar, a little personal with that stuff. Thank God he wasn't like that. He was, I mean, he's like obviously with bathroom stuff, but now with sex stuff. Thank God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a couple, they had, they were new, they were each other's second marriage, and they each had their own kids. And the dad...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was talking to, his son was 15 and he had on some high school sweatshirt with football on it. So he started talking about football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, yeah, I was like, he's a big kid. And he was like, yeah, you know, he plays whatever position and blah, blah, blah. And then I'm sitting there talking to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, I told him, man, just get all the pussy you can, you know? And I was like, what? And he's like, I told him, you know, this, this, you gotta get all the pussy you can right now. And I was looking at him like, dude, do you really think your fucking son wants you to talk to him about all the pussy he can get? Like, no, no kid wants to hear that from his dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, let his uncle say that if it's, if someone has to, but like, it's fucking, it's weird, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'll talk like that crazy to somebody else, but not my own kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I looked at the guy and he was like, right? And I remember I was like, uh, yeah. No, yeah. Get as much as you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be gross, don't be weird. And I was also a new guy, right? I met them at this thing and here his dad's talking about him and pussy in front of him. That's weird. Way to do it dad. Here's a fingernail question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, somebody wrote in, what if you're dating someone for like six months and they're like, hey, I need to tell you, I used to have 12 inch fingernails. Obviously a deal breaker. When is the right time to tell someone you used to be a fucking maniac?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fine. Right, but you still wouldn't want to give that away early. Yeah, wait till...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there's like, if, if you have like a weird thing that you're, even that you're into now, I don't, I'm not an advocate of sharing that upfront.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just kinda, you know what I'm saying, like, you don't have to introduce like, ah, piss in my mouth, I love it, you know, like, that's not a date one thing to introduce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not too early. Because it's not your sole identity. So since it's not your identity, you can, I mean, if you're like, all I do is drink piss and that's what I live by, yeah, then you need to, but if you're like, that's kind of my thing, you don't need to bring that up on the third date either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be like, well, you remember the other day when you were going to the bathroom and yeaah, she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna get away with something that weird, you gotta manipulate a little bit. That's what a doctor would tell you to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That also gets you. Millionaire status. Like that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, other than that being disgusting, that, that's fine. Because he was like, I'll give you a hundred bucks or shit in my mouth. And they were like, alright. Even Steven. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some, I know women that are, you know, very much into it for the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for them is euphoria, right? Um, and there's obviously people who that's their sexual turn on, but in and of itself, like if you strip, let's say someone's preferences to that away, that's an aggressive move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or he was like, put that fucking candle holder in your purse. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a real, uh, uh, uh, Flint was just like, like I'm a pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right. And they're like, how about that? You got half tonight. And she's like, that was cool. It kept fucking my butt though. Yeah, that's what he does. Isn't that rad? He's 92 today. It's exciting. Fuck your great, great grandpa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I don't know why you would give up on keeping it, like, super nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's three thousand dollars. That's a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's leave the old carpet there. Okay, Hef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously there's no internet, and the magazine was just tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's kind of nice, right? Because you were excited by that. You're excited by seeing some bush. Right. You're like, oh, and just like a beautiful body. Yeah. Oh man, that's, I'm going to jerk off to this right now. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the internet ruined you, desensitized you completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Muscle has, has gone in your face and you know, like he probably, he's like, and they're like, you're right. He's like, that's what it sounds like when I breathe. They're like, oh my God, I'm gonna sleep next to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The house is probably dog shit. Yeah, the house is probably dog shit, but then it's like, what's the house worth in terms of its significance? In other words, you know, the historical value of it being the Playboy Mansion, all the aids that's been transferred to that house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He saw, he saw one of the girls on the mouth road. I about to fuck somebody right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think probably people said no over the years and that was definitely the day you found your strip linked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, how do you feel about this? Are shower farts the safest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, someone said, if you fart in the shower, you never have the fear that brown is running down, you know? It feels like a little extra. You're close enough to the toilet, you can just stomp it down, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's just in my emails. I don't know. Just brought it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you have one in the shower, they're saying, do you let it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you are talking about gambling. Uhm, here's a colonoscopy fart. I tried to play it at the live show, but it's really a studio piece I think. This is a lady post-colonoscopy here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's like, that's classic, uh, when you OMG, OMG fart like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm trying to figure out, is this somebody who did the oh my gosh for the show? Or is that just a coincidence? This lady? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. I think it might, maybe the later recording I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wondering if Siamese conjoined twin murders if someone with the other twin vehemently protesting and trying to stop the murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about the ramifications, not the actual murder itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think that I've never heard a case like this. This is what would be so exciting about it. Is that it would be a whole new field, a whole new arena within crimes and, you know, punishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That person, those people that are conjoined are either free or they're locked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would be really, I mean, it's completely unfair to the other person in either scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, very fucked up. It's not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we were talking about this, what do you, how do you feel about this, uhm, did you read any of the Harvey Weinstein stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Miramax eventually sold to Disney and then, um, he started, he founded the Weinstein


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, you know, his early stuff was like, he, he did all of Quentin Tarantino's stuff. So he did pulp fiction. He's done the whole Tarantino catalog. He did clerks. He's done a bunch of, uh, Matt Damon movies. I mean, they're, he's big time. So you look at Harvey Weinstein and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so it used to be Miramax, which was his, uhm, let's see, let me, just to give you, I mean, I want to give you like a full, a full, you know, uh, idea of just how much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to like double side his, his, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so many movies, man. Uhm, I'm trying to look for like the huge...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Scream, All Good Things, The Fighter, The King's Speech, I think that won an Oscar or at least the actor won an Oscar in that. Uhm, alright, well you get the point. It's dozens and literally dozens and hundreds of movies is what he's produced. Hundreds of movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, so it just came out that he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, has been sexually harassing. I guess it's like a big open Hollywood secret. He's been sexually harassing harassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women for years, everyone from interns to actresses to co-workers to all these people. He's had eight settlements. Uhm. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then he released the weirdest statement where he was like, I didn't behave the way I should have. I'm working on that. Um, and, uh, now I'm going to go after the NRA, like a total.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a total bullshit nonsensical thing to do. It's saying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be mad at, like, you're mad at me for doing this thing, but guess what I'm gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do something that you can get behind. I'm gonna go after the NRA. It's fucking absolute nonsense. And if you fall, you know, he wants you to fall for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's gonna go, he's gonna go after these gun lobbyists. It's just to get you to not think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More women came forward and then a couple where it wasn't like, like where he cornered someone, jerked off in a plant in a restaurant and then, and then a couple others and then the board of directors at that company fired him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you're gonna get into the movie producing business, isn't there a way you get into it? Yeah, of course. Just to jerk off in front of people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, look, there's this guy. He said he's going to make a special for me. Yeah, great. And you'd be like, I, he's got a jerk off like on me or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird, you know, she goes, I went to the hotel to meet him and like, come up to the, go up to the suite. And he was like, she was like, okay. And then he was in his robe. It's like, she had to bullshit to get out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! Of course not, no. But, yeaah, I mean, he's, uh, he's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of guys doing that. A lot of guys forcing their dick and balls on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dudes that are powerful are gonna, some of them are gonna abuse that. I know. It's too bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, a lot of people out there know, um, refer to me and understand that I'm the hat comic, but then yesterday,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you come up with that? No, but I, you can see that, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were clowning me and you were just like, oh, I can't believe you're wearing crazy hats. And then all of a sudden now, the Swagger Jacker in charge took my Bear Bryant hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this was his grandfather's hat. His grandfather was Bear Bryant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean like, it fits my persona. And then you're like, what about me? I want to be the hat person now. Which is like, oh, I thought you were ragging on the hat person. You're like, I'll do it. I'll be the hat person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who gave this to me. It was either given to me by the taco people in Houston that came in and gave us a bunch of tacos. Or I feel like maybe Richard Franco, the competitive eater gave it to me. Maybe. I'm confused. James Franco, the actor. James Franco, the actor. Yeah. He gave it to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's 100% an Alabama football team hat. You want me to show you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the famous head coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Former head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. Jesus. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's very dead, but uhm, I don't know how old he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're carrying it on. You're the person to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, apparently, Airy, in his podcast said, like, I guess he had said something about not doing some poses, so then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe called him out and said, are you not doing all the poses? Uh oh. Airy was very defensive. Burt's real excited that his, uh, sitting heart rate, his resting heart rate is 47. Um, but anyways, I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he also takes like blood pressure medication which lowers your heart rate so he doesn't even... Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My resting heart rate is so low that the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My physician sent me to a cardiologist. The cardiologist sent me to Cedars Imaging Institute. And they were like, that's, you know, I even used to talk about it in my act and they were like, so did you used to run marathons or something? My resting heart rate is usually between 36 and 44.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like, you either have like something wrong or you have like a really strong heart, right? Like that's like elite atler. Hearts don't have to work as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I went, I had every test run, I mean like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think $30,000 worth of tests done. This is a few years ago. And at the end, after all the multiple days of going, injecting me with things,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having me run on treadmills, all that stuff. They're like, huh, she's got a strong heart. I was like, that's the conclusion. And they're like, yeah. Okay. That was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cedars Imaging Institute. Like, it was a full, like, multi-day... Do it again. Do it again. I think that was 10 years ago, babe. No, I went more recently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I also had the, uhm, the cardiac calcium test done, where they score basically, it's like a, basically like a plaque test. Yes, I've had that done too. Zero to a hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. There you go. Thanks. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this is always adorable. The kids say the darnedest things, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I would, I wish I had been watching the news when that happened. Me too. That would make my day 100%. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kid should do the news. There's farts everywhere and there's toots and it's gonna rain today. What could be better news than that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the- Why are the toots- Why are there toots? Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a lot of like, tattoos, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of the face painting is part of the culture. I think a high sugar diet seemed to be part of the culture too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that's just, I didn't see any verification other than faces, but uhm, it felt like that was kind of a theme, you know? Sugar? Sugar seemed like it was a theme to me. I don't know if I'm wrong on that, but it really felt...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very much like that. Uhm, so anyways, we, uh, you know, the Juggalos follow the, uh, ICP bro, Insane Clown Posse. Right. Uhm, there was a few people that wrote in and told us that they were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to be Juggalos or they used to follow ICP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they have, when they have their big, uh, get togethers, it is huge turnout. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Huge turnout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really funny. So there's that documentary, but so this was sent to us and it said that this is a juggalo. Uh huh. And he's, he gives you, uh, well he introduces that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Not with the, you can hear the traffic driving by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a fair assessment, but now you gotta give, at least give him a chance to do the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that a bush, like leaves that he pushed pressed aside? I heard like, cause it felt like right, didn't he like brush up against something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is, he says a line, repeats that line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then finds another line, repeats that line, and then goes back to the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two like rap kind of guys, right? Both have lyrical talent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those are, yeah, those are, those weren't easy to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes a long time to make music. And I did the, uh, the Chewy Bravo song, remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those are like, those are really hard actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you need a producer. Oh, you're the producer. That's what I just did. I just made magic happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty cool. That's what I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is how magic happens right here. You just gotta get the right people in the right room together at the right time. And that's how classics get made. That's what's happening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says charl-add, it's so old up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to build up, you know. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so that's one of the things I'll be working on, which is my special shot. I have things to work on now. So like passion products and projects, you know what I mean? Yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we have a couple of dad boners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want a justified or unjustified one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess technically this is justified because of why, but it's still pretty entertaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, taking his drugs, but his reaction is pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get that excited about shadows? I mean, you should be that excited about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, I mean, it's borderline unjustified. It's justified because he's on drugs. Yea, he's high. But I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't be that excited about shadows. No. You know? No. What's the drugs talking about? Drugs will do that to you, drugs get you excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a, here's when I think it's a little different, uh, guitar dad boner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so this guy bid. Auction. Yeah, mystery, but on a mystery item. Right. And now he's like about to jack off. Oh, that's fun. Because he's like, if this is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this has what I think it has inside of it, I'm gonna jack off right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now you've got the lock off of the guitar case and he's like, does this or does this not have this amazing guitar inside of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haven't caught up in a while, you know? Sure. I love talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is, how does driving, like, cause that's a good drive, how does that affect your going to the bathroom? Does that make you go more or less, or how does it affect you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, that's probably gonna make you shit more. Hey, I wanted to ask, you were at sea on a cruise when that horrific hurricane came through. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Uhm, how were, how was the cruise food wise and, and, and, you know, dumping wise for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you, would you be willing, I found a seminar where they can teach you to orgasm from hugging someone. Would you go to it if I sent you to it with mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's supposed to, yeaah, it's supposed to really, you know, enhance things, so I'm just thinking about it. But look, I have to run, I love you, I'll call you in a little while, okay? Okay buddy, love you too, bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. He was like, nah I'm good, and then like, I'll pay for it. He's like, wow. That'd be neat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So disgusting. So crazy, crazy people. Yeah. Disgusting, crazy people. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, another thing we played during our live show, but I'm just so obsessed with it, is that guy's weird speech pattern. Yeah. He does, he does YouTube videos. I can't get him out of my head. This is the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard this before. This guy named, his name is Chills. Yeah. Chills. What's up Chills? Let's see if he, uh, has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he is talking like that. He has 611,000 subscribers on his YouTube channel. It must be the cadence. You're wrapping people in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess he keeps his, uh, he keeps his face concealed for, I don't know, just to keep it intriguing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I nailed that right there. Pretty wild. Uhm, alright Jean, anything else? No. No? Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you. Love you. Please, uh, go to your mom's house. Podcast.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please go to TomSiguro.com, uh, for tickets. Please go to our store, merchmethod.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Merch store. She has new, new product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about 2018 now. January 12th, I'm at the Pasadena Ice House. February 2nd and 3rd in Short Lake Titties, Utah at Wise Guys Comedy Club. February 23rd, the Caloosa Casino. And then, uh, March 30th and 31st in Portland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrigan at Hiriam Comedy Crub. So come check me out there. Tickets at Christina P online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how my mother used to yell at people. Really? Like over really mundane shit. She'd be like, You fucking motherfuckers! You fucking bitch, the fucking- She hated cats. My mother- Should we just confirm people like that? All the time. And she hated cats. There was one cat, uh, we lived in an apartment complex. He used to piss on our- our doormat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cuz it's all their rules. I feel like they gotta tell you what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My happiest time in life, my happiest moment of the day is when we put the baby down. He's had a great day. He's in his crib. He just fell asleep. Tom and I are laying in bed with the two dogs and we're watching some stupid show. That's my, that's why I live. Everything else is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my goal is to just not, first of all, to not wear decent pants. Like I always want to be in sweatpants, number one. Like that's the whole dream. And then to be home, like to do as little as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's interesting you say that. I was, cause I thought about that the last time I sat down with you when I was pregnant with Alice, I think, and you, you said to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, look, I have modified my life so that I'm not out nearly as much, dude. It's like, I'm out 48 hours and then I'm fucking home, dude. So, you know what I mean? Like, I just don't do as much bullshit. And you find that you don't need to do. I don't fucking need to do Wednesday through Sunday, bro. Like, it's not even going down. I don't even fucking do Sundays, uh, because of you, actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, my agent, he's always like, you don't like going on the road, do you? You hate it. I'm like, of course I fucking hate it. I did it for a decade. I've been done the road, bro. Now he knows, like, but now my deals are better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, and they all complain, the club owners are like, well, I mean, how come these big acts, they turn into dicks? It's like, what happened? And I go, well what happened is, you guys treat us like dog shit on the way up, now there's no fucking love left, bitch, because you've been kicking us for ten years, so when you're at the top of the food chain, it's time for you to get yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, it's like any apprenticeship, I mean, even to become like a doctor, right, you're broke for the first, what, decade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a student, you're doing your rounds, and then you graduate and now you're a practicing physician. I think in our occupation,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what's that great story, who's the guy on the sitcom, he's super famous now, Gardel, Billy Gardel? Oh, Billy Gardel, yea. He, uh, he was talking to somebody, and this is like right when he became really successful, he goes, yea man, those $1800 weeks, am I right? Like, he was still doing them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or even my friends that are moms now. Dude, I have this one friend in college that was such a fucking whore. Like, just everybody dumped clips in her. And now she's super mom. She's got two kids. She's always on Facebook, like, posting the activities again. I'm like, dude, you are such a fucking whore. Like, I think of all the jizz inside of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like when you think about your grandma, like, she sucks so many dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've seen a hundred year old lady when I was in high school, I did Christian service hours and we had to change this lady for her hundredth birthday and I took off her dress and I saw her labia hanging out through her underwear. Like one of them was hanging out of her panties and they get real hanging. The lips get like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they coordinate? Do you think they talk, they call each other in the morning and they coordinate the outfits? Probably. The shirt colors and the ties and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I almost feel kinda, I almost feel bad for them. Like, they're just, they're such boners, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Homeless guys in front of banks. I'm telling, I've seen, but how many of them do I watch and finish to completion? Fucking 0.0. You know what I'm saying? You can turn around and get the fuck out of there. Or call the cops, I call the cops on that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the demographic. Does he live in Rochester on Wham?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if it happened now, I wonder if his career would be as over. You know what I mean? I feel like that's nothing compared to today's standards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what these initial passes are. This is the first round of producers that have stepped up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next week, the week after, we're gonna hear different variations on the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know what she's gonna do to you. No, let her do it and just get on with your life. Those people are out of- She's in another fucking reality, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Portland, Oregon. Yep. And uhm, Pasadena and then Calusa. Calusa Casino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you do an activity? Do you ever like watch TV to calm yourself down sometimes when you're too high?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did you turn away to blow your nose from the microphone when you know the audience likes to hear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, look, they loved it when I sneezed. It became a worldwide sensation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, I, I know you will and here's why. Alright, you're strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've also got many days to go in the week, so you'll, you'll hopefully you'll be strong by the time you have to tape. And you know something else, you're a pro, you've been doing this for a million years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you've done it. You've done stand-up sick. Not that you want to, it's terrible. But you know what? You'll get an adrenaline push. You know what happens? Like you can perform with a fever of like 102 and diarrhea because your body shuts it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's why they put it on there. It masks other smells. Patchouli. I'm convinced that that's the smell of dirty box. It is rancid. I think that's made from dirty vagines. Disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I'd say another way you can tell is everybody at Burning Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have dreadlocks, it stinks down there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're white, if you're white and you have dreadlocks, definitely. I'm gonna go and say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, well leather pants aren't very porous either. Oh my god. I'm gonna go with leather pants. I'm gonna go, and this is gonna be a hot debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you're gonna go through the trouble of having her twerk and then finding her dirty undies and sniffing them, why not just hook up with her and find out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's interesting that there's so much focus on stinky vaginas, but stinky balls are another problem. It's a real issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, aren't you the master of accents? You tell me, master!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More? There's more than this? Why, she's really obsessed with these stinky vaginas. Someone got in her head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, maybe. Or Ivory Coast or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. No! No my phone, my phone was silenced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't usually accept phone calls after a certain time we put our sun down and it's time for me to relax. I normally don't even look at the phone. And I got a voicemail from a strange number I didn't recognize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I transcribe it, I like to look, and I couldn't transcribe it. I hit play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] M-months! I mean, I-I know the last sound- I know the last we heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a good song. And I thought we'd never hear from the Salome thing again. Now if you hear, I don't, I don't speak Farsi but she does say in English, I lost my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has it in her old, uh, contact book that they re-put into her new iPhone or whatever. So, anyone speaking Farsi, if you could translate that one, let us know what's up with her. And if she says her name, who are you? She never says her name, I don't even know what to call her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it brought so much joy back into my heart knowing that the sawomi lady is back in town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Cause the squirrels were eating the citrus and if you cover it in the bags, they don't, they don't eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it. Let's hit it. I want all the sound effects. I want chips in a bowl, I want a cat eating kibble, and I want a brand new sound effect for this announcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, last year, you know, I came out as a bisexual. And this year, I'm proud to announce that I'm following by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on a real note, you guys remember I taped my stand-up special in June in Meat Rattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I am proud to announce, I am proud to announce that it will debut on Netflix!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right guys, get it ready, put it, put it on your list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] October 10th. Cue it up. Cue it up. Christina P. Mother Inferior is the name of the special and you can search for it starting this Friday and you can put it in your queue in your list of stuff you want to watch and it debuts on the 10th of October and you can watch it there!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, it's been, it's been a road and I'm so, I'm so excited for you guys to see it. And, uh, this was filmed in front of Mommy's. This was a Mommy exclusive audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twice. You bring me up. I did bring you up. You're a voice. You'll hear it in the opening of the special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I left it in that your, my gene is bringing me up. That's how special that was. So October 10th, you guys get ready, get ready, get ready. I can't motherfucking wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't, I mean I don't know about you but I'm pretty open minded and I don't feel weird. Do you feel weird? Like what do you, what do you think you normally should hear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that time we saw that white guy, totally spit in Chinese?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's such a foreign tongue. Like, I think that's why it's so bizarre. Like, I've never seen a white person speak, uhm, you know, Hindi. Have you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He took, he hesitated, he had the nerve to hesitate on that question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damnit, you live in Jamaica. You should love black girls. You should sell that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, that's what I'm saying. Stupid ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what did I tell you my theory was, is that he's just a pervert, he's been talking about his balls since the 70s, it's evidenced here, and he wants to talk about his cock and balls all day and make a living at it. Now he does, good for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's been a pervert his whole life. What did I tell you? This supports my theory that he's been a jerk his whole life doing this stuff, embarrassing himself, and making audiences uncomfortable. And now look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's crazy. My theory's right, I knew it. He's just been a pervert since the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, and then it turned into that. It started with just massage your testicle, and now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babe, stop. Kiss him. Would you, would you make out with him? Would you kiss his rub rubs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather make sweet love to him at the 80's rub-rub or present day rub-rub guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say what happened yesterday? You were laying in bed, sick, and I went out to the front yard and I found a dead rat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been laying out rat traps to catch these assholes that have been shitting in my kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean look, they can live outside, that's fine, but then when you come to MY house, you shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and just so you know, rats, the guy showed us, he goes, they need an opening this big. And I'm holding on my finger, it's maybe the size of a dime. No, no, sorry, a nickel, a nickel. And as long as their head can get through the hole, he said they can squish their shitty little bodies into your house. So when you think about it, they find an opening that big. Not very big. Not hard to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, these assholes come in your house and they poop all over your stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so nasty, so when I found that rat yesterday, I was thrilled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put on some latex gloves and I double bagged it and you know, but I was, I was surprised actually at how happy I was to catch a dead rat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot. I took a photo, I sent it to you, I texted it to the guy that helped us set the rad traps outside, and I kinda got worried because I was like, the only thing that could have made me happier is if we set up hidden cameras and I could watch it die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I worry because I was really thrilled. Cause I feel like he did us wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The threat to my home, to the cleanliness of our house, I just, it's so, the only people pooping in our house should be saguras, period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, little jeans, and me. Three people who poop under this roof. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like nine too. Come on now. You should have taken that shit early. Anyway, that happened. And then, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other, last week we were having breakfast and as we do, we have our coffee and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We eat breakfast and you had to take a dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the middle of breakfast, like you felt the tug, like you had to go. And what I think is interesting about you is that when you feel the need to shit, you keep eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for me, for instance, I know, like, hey, I have to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The need to go is kind of not making this meal enjoyable, so I'm gonna get up, go take a dump, come back, eat my food cold, but at least, at least I don't have to shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're telling me it's just, it's just the level of severity. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing, because I used to do kung fu in the park when I was 28 years old, and I'd burn so many calories, but then I'd go eat a bean and cheese burr-eat, and two toks, and then I was still fucking fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're there, you know that. And I cover them up. I'm fucking like quadrupled, above a quadrupled date. I'm a 32, like F. I'm not exaggerating. And nobody would know it because I have room. And Phyllis Diller too had huge tits. Did you know that? Do you like big tits? Yeah. Go see Christina, do a stand up. Thank you. Now we're talking. It's my mother in law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's interesting, but I've never heard it from a male perspective, because I've only ever heard it, dealt with it as a female in comedy, but I guess guys struggle too. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now see, Tom takes the positive route. I do fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hatred. You know what I mean? I'm like you. Yeah. I go negative so that I motivate you that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you something since I don't know? Uh, I mean, okay, in UFC stuff, do they, do you guys talk shit? Is it, is it like boxing? For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I continue asking Brennan my very important questions? Okay, so theoretically, these are your friends that you're fighting with, correct? Like, it's, it's your, it's like, it's like knowing a comic. It's like me texting, I don't know, Ari, and being like, hey dude, I'm gonna fucking beat your face in, in three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So would you fight a friend? Like could you even do it physically, I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That part, see I guess I've never seen a football player, except for AJ when he came over to our house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, apropo our opening, uh, clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now normally I would go short, fat, coke, can, a lot of girth. I'm gonna go long and lean on the painter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of this guy? And I'm gonna go, but extra long. Extra long and lean, and then I'm gonna go high and tight on the balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on by boys. Come on by guys. Brendan, I'm glad you're here today because this is the start of a brand new debate on your mom's house. Very hot topic. Tom and I were eating breakfast and in the middle of the meal


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, I have to take a shit. But then he finishes eating and then shits after. Now me on the other hand, if I'm eating and I have to shit, I get up, I leave, I take a shit, I come back and I just eat my food cold. Where are you on this side of the debate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not gonna do that. I don't want my kid to go to- I don't want him to go in the military. Only because I don't want my baby to die in a war. Like that's- I just don't want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not your famer. I mean you have a better chance of graduating Harvard Law than getting into Harvard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's a thing for upper class girls to sound more intelligent. Like the Nicole-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, guys just do talk like that. No, there's actually a fighter that talks like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, polyamory. Oh! I watched the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's sweet, dude. Which one? I'm working a sweat. I'm breaking a sweat. That one? That's neck hogs jam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't wait, you don't rise to the top of the most sought after profession, star on a TV show for six years, perform your own music in Las Vegas' biggest clubs, or become self-made by the age of 35 by being anything less than confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your nightmare, Brennan, that your child would become?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, because I've been fucking doing it for so long. Honestly, I was not. Because I've been doing it for a minute, and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm, I'm more nervous to sit down and edit it and get that process. I don't know, it's a fucking trip because you just, I performed in every shit box in the country and I, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's why I wasn't so terrified, cause I'm kinda, I'm like, overcooked for it, you know? So, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I agree, like, I, I watch some people shit, I think a lot of times they're shot on spec, and so you don't know who it's gonna end up, you don't know where it's gonna end up, and I do think some people are like, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll tell you why, Brendan. If you look at the pool of dudes doing stand-up, you're the looker of the bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you guys are all, talk about dogs, the dog pound, it's male comics with dog pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, but I think the tide has turned now because it's cool to work out. And if you look at Dave Chappelle, who got in shape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are very clean, they're very straight, they're very white, uh, your gums look very healthy and not red and bleedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you can't, every three years maybe you can do it professionally, but don't do those fucking strips, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try it, just try it. Once you start, it's very hard to not do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible. No, it's painful and it takes a long time. I'm not going to lie. They shave down your real teeth. They, then they cover it with the fake teeth, the veneer. It's, it's a very ordeal. It's an ordeal. Don't do it unless you have, I had to, cause I knocked out half of one as a kid. Yes. No, I was on the rings. It was the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I know I smell like my kid's breath when he's got a cold, and you know that that's the smell of snot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really big episode today. A lot to get into. I'm just overwhelmed with excitement that it's about to go down. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm talking about? Yeaah. Alright, let's get into this right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, you gotta be black, and you gotta be willing to, to fuck me. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So does part of it as a woman make you realize just how, how much the men's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this is just, like I see this as a guy, I'm like, uh, I know where he's at right now. Yep. I know where he's at right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, most of the time, I don't think we see a lot of women with these types of videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that's the thing, that's a subjective term, but I think he means it. I don't think a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, some people know how to look attractive on camera. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like... Lighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was so fun. And the actual, the video's gone, so they must have taken it down, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, well, just one of these things. I'll explain. So for people that don't know, I mean, most of you know that are fans of our show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been doing uhm, Sober Oktober, and uhm. Oktober with a hard T. The hard T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it included being sober for the month, not drinking, not taking drugs, not smoking weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and also 15 90 minute hot yoga classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're recording this on the 26th, so I still have a few days to spare. I feel like it's, you know, I'm glad to be done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an interesting, uh, test in discipline, which I'm, I'm a fan of. I like challenges. I like being challenged to do things. I responded well to the weight loss challenge. I like being challenged here. It's fun. It's fun to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's healthy for people in general to hear something like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey uhm, like just to test your discipline every once in a while. In other words, 24-7 all the time. No, I mean it's not for me. But I think if you have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the things you learn is that you're capable probably of more than you think, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, which is, it's a good thing to, to learn about yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I don't know. I mean, I think what I mean though, I know how you're saying it. I know exactly what you mean. But what I'm talking about is more in terms of somebody like when it's like, hey, this is hard. I don't want to do that thing. You know, like go on a run. Let's say if you're a runner, you're a runner, but let's say you're not. And somebody says, can you go run a mile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, get up and do that five times this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, fuck. I don't wanna do that. And you think of all the reasons that it sucks, but then you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can be something, it doesn't have to be physical, it can be like writing, if you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like, I don't want to do that. Yeah, yeah, I know you don't want to do it, but can you do it? I think at the end of that challenge, if let's say if it was writing, you'd be, oh wow, this was greatly beneficial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is uhm, so we've been doing this challenge and we poke fun at each other, especially Ari Bert and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to do little jabs at each other when we make videos. You mean Aerie? Yea, Aerie Schaefer, Burnt Crystals, and myself. Uhm, and we take little jabs at each other, and it's just, you know, we just have fun. Burnt Crystals? Yea, cause it's the three of us and Joe, uhm, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have fun doing these videos. We'll put Instagram posts up and we'll just say like I finished a class. So the other day, uh, Shafir and Bert went to a class together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as they left, they had the yoga instructor talk and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like making fun of me and Joe. I forget what the, but one of the things they said, they're like, oh, have you seen Tom? And then the guy was like, oh, that little short guy. Cause that's one of like Ari's jokes is that I'm short. And then he's like in the blue Porsche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and they're like, yeaah. He's like, yeaah. And then, I, I saw Bert, and, and are like, so ridiculous. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such ridiculous car. And like, he's so cheesy, driving his blue car. And I, and I saw that and I was like, first of all, it's not ridiculous. And I go, if you want to see ridiculous and you want to see cheesy,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can step this thing up to a whole other level, you know? And I think like there's huge, many layers to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I'm a car nut. Like I'm a fanatic. I love cars. You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hasn't changed since I was a kid. Like, I used to play with little toy cars, you know, uhm, read every car magazine and I still buy them all the time. I've always, I've gone to car shows. I love it. I just love cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you love cars, they're, they usually fall into different categories for you. You're like, you know, that shit sucks. I wish I could get those. Like these are the cars I love. And then there's a category of car that you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that someone's into that, but it does nothing for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, it's like if you want to relate it to like human beings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, I understand that you might think that person's attractive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That once to fuck that guy. And pissing him and beat on him. Just try it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, this is a 15 year joke. It's longer than that. This is a joke where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even, or maybe not 15, but like yea, you're right. 10 to 12 years old. Like, it's always been just like a punchline to us, Lamborghinis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my favorite, it's a sweet- It's crazy! We've told this before, but it's been years. Favorite things we ever did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they do go like, I'm going to grow the hair out and wear the weird thing, the leather sleeveless vest because I want to look like I'm different and everyone's like, no, you're different. You sure are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to this place to rent it. I look online. Again, we always talk about this, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first place that I emailed and called never even got back to me. It was like one of the top rated exotic rental places. I'm always just blown away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like advertising that that's what they do. It's crazy. So this place actually replies, you know, uhm, they tell me here's our cars we have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's called 777exotics.com and they're very, you know, very nice. So I go down there and then the plan is what I'm going to do is go to hot yoga and I have these water bottles that somebody gave to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The truth is that I would have just done this just for Bert. Like that was, that he was the mark, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get down there and I'm like, which one should I get? And they're like, how about this orange Lamborghini? And I go, perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is perfect. It's so ridiculous. Uhm, I, I leave


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even the orange one. I could not feel like a bigger dick, by the way. Everyone's looking at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I roll down the window, I go, don't get one, it's stupid. And she was like, oh, like she caught herself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a douche bag. So anyways, the engine did this crazy thing on its own, and it's like a spaceship in there. I mean everything, they have to tell you like, here's how you park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's how you, you know, turn this, here's how the turn signal works. None of it's intuitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about, uh, just stay where you are and I'll bring you the convertible, the white convertible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, okay, great. I mean, and for a second I was disappointed. I was like, oh no, I don't have the orange absurd car. But what I realized as they pulled up and I got in the white one was that the white one


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I put together after I was, cause I was driving, I was like, this is actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, interior, black accents. Yeah, I mean, it's nuts. This thing drives unlike anything I've ever been in. And I have to tell you, I'm jumping ahead. When I returned it, the guy goes, uh, do you want to go for a quick ride in the Aventador?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The step up Lamborghini with the doors that slide up but also has a much crazier engine and I remember thinking like how much crazier


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could this drive, than the one that I've had for a day? The Huracan. The what? Huracan. What does that mean? Hurricane. Douchebag. Oh, oh, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an experience. Here's the thing. That whole thing is a fun experience. I totally recommend renting these cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hundred percent. So anyways, he took me a couple blocks in the Aventador and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That night, the night that I get it, I take it home and I have a show at the Comedy Store. And I go, what I'm going to do is, I'm going to take it to the store tonight and just, you know, park like it's normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what happened was, Ari got added to the show I was doing, and I saw a tweet going like, oh, we just added Ari to the show, and I'm like, ooh, then I was debating like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He walks up to me and he's just, whatever, just bullshitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm too excited. I just get, you know what I mean? When you're like excited. It's like when you're excited about a joke. You're like, I got this joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go, how did I tell you what I'm doing? And he goes, uh, he goes, what? I said, you know, these guys made this video and they were like, oh, that Porsche is so ridiculous. And of course he's like, how's that ridiculous? I love Porsche. I know. I go, well, so what I'm going to do is I tell him I rented a Lamborghini.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the next move is I get, uhm, you know, the next day I'm just like, I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh right, so for people that don't know, the one that I was driving, some people online, uhm, I have to say, uh, guess it was a 2005 or 2006, it is a 2017.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's brand new. It had 3800 miles on it. So it's out of the, straight from the factory, man. Uh, that one was 350,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That Aventador, the one that he took me for a ride in after was 500,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It's the silliest, which is the most fun to pretend. Like to me, the amusement in this, like the joy in this would be to pretend like what's the big deal. Like, but I mean like to really sell it. And that's what I kept imagining is that Bert's going to freak out and I'm just going to go like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So of course I am just, I'm just, I'm like, I'm so antsy to go to class. I want to make sure that I'm early, because I didn't want to blow the, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the show of it before class, for some reason that was not going to be as fun, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I shut up like half an hour early and funny enough as I'm pulling in the hot yoga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My phone rings. I'm like pulling in the parking lot and it's Joe and I answer. He goes, you got a white one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're walking back and we're just talking about like at the time we had finished, you know, I think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Ari and I had finished number 14. Joe and Bert had just finished number 13. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking this and that, and he's like, oh, what are you doing tomorrow? What are you doing the next day? Blah, blah, blah. And we start walking. Ari and Joe are, Ari and Burt had a road together, so they're walking this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, I got your water bottle. And he's like, oh yeah, cause Ari really wanted that. He goes like, yeah, I want that water bottle. So I go, come here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I open the front hood, which you can put a fucking laptop in, in a Lamborghini, and I pull out the, I go, I thought you wanted your water bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I give it to Joe. Joe is of course, he's like, fuck yeah, dude, your balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, not really saying much. He's doing his Ahri thing. Yeah, he's doing his Ahri thing. Burt immediately goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's still on there. And right then Ari goes, check his registration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as he says that and I go, Oh, I think they're actually going to go try to look at the registration.