[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if that was in the script, did that deter you from taking the role? And he has to be naked, we saw his stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't watch it based on that artwork. And I love those two actors. Yeaah, Steve Carell and uh, Rose Byrne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could have done that on my, my old, uh, what's that shit called? And it's called Irresistible, so I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Wick, good posters, you know exactly what that's about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Martian. Now that's misleading because that's the story of a man who never masturbates when he's on another planet. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, we watched the second Bill and Ted's, the new one that came out. It was really stupid and entertaining. I highly recommend it. If you just want like a fun light watch. It was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're pronouncing it wrong. Say it like you're dead. Yeaah, this too, this looks like a, leeches or something. Oh my, is this about a gay couple?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to read it. Bohemian London artist returns to Italy with his estranged son Jack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, when they close escrow, they celebrate. No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I also, I don't want to watch anything that's a bummer of any kind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize that help me with my groceries is code or come over and help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, our guest coming in today is a huge fan of my curations on the talk. Yeah, we'll be playing a number of them. We gotta stay, we gotta save a lot of those for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For having the courage to ask these types of questions in today's climate, cause he's right, he can be cancelled for even just asking an innocent question like, do a wet white people smell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, this is a very thought-provoking question, so does this mean that Asians smell different? Uh, let me think back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, is it because of our kale organic diets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can get oily. Ah, they're smellier. He's got a point there. Like, okay, for instance, I have relatives that don't shower every day. I have a relative that would only wash his hair once a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They smell, he's saying that they're literally dirtier, that white people may shower less and put less good smelly things on. Is that what you're saying, Annie? That they might be just smellier because they don't bathe as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I must have at some point in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was an odd choice of place for where she was having this stupid conversation. It wasn't an emergency conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and also one has to wonder if it was a performance piece. For like, for everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was like a family place, everyone's there with their kids, and like, it's a very odd place, it's a very packed place to take a personal phone call for 45 minutes. It's more than 45, honestly. I would have, if I were her, I would have tucked away somewhere or gone to more of a private. You're right, it was kind of perform- it's like when somebody, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, okay. No, cause the best is in LA where people do their show business calls like that. Like, well, I told him that I'm the producer on this thing. And you're like, we get it. You're in showbiz. Yeah, it's so dumb. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah, I was trying to deduce what was going on in her life. It was a whole lot of nothing. But this thing where these girls wear these, they're wearing the lulu lemons now and the crop tops. That's one outfit that we see a lot of in our neighborhood. But then the short shorts where their pussies are getting cut in half. They sit like sluts and you can see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toe, toe rings, I think you said that in your act. That's definitely an epoch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause I was thinking about that relative I mentioned earlier. He smells like wet dog. And he's kind of a granola, a little crunchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, he, he's a little smelly too. I, I think, I think, I think they're onto something, these black people with this theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and what's neat too is that you get that constant sunlight for months and months, which is really good. You get all your vitamin D in those few months and then you hibernate too, right? Bingo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Many times I've said to Tom, I would love a sister wife, or wives, plural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have no problem sharing him, he's very sexually vigorous and full, his erections are very powerful, even though he's 41 years old, unmedicated, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know about you, but I find it exciting, stimulating even when Tom has a new partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, have you ever heard of NRE? I don't know if you're in the scene like we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you put it that way? Yeah. That really does make sense and we're not that different from them, are we? Bees? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you're gonna go, I see. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the, you're the explorer. You know what's neat about Alaska is that the men outnumber the women significantly, right? Or is it the other way around? Yeah, that's, you sound like my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I mean as long as they're, well as long as they look a little like her. You know what I'm saying, like a little different than me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I prefer, I mean, I think what I'm trying to say is I just want them to not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, a shorter being next to the right one. Technically women are shorter than men and those are traditionally symbols for women. You understand? So he's, he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's bending other symbols to serve his purposes, guys, and I don't want to abide by that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's with the Satan stuff? So I know that he's late and late homosexual, but what, how does Satan, uh, what's the obsession? He's tying the two together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, interestingly enough, Leo's very chatty when he does his sessions with Mark on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it is, it's a different region. It's a, oh hey, hey now. And it's for him to be stone faced. And not only that, can we, can we look at Leo and Mark again, just the imagery?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. The point being that you see Leo, who looks to be about 9 months pregnant, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually I really am enjoying it. I'm drawn to it for some reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And do they have a special health insurance like SAG? Are they union?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just imagine it's Hershey's syrup. I don't think of it as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be with all of us in the main room crying collectively was like really, really special and I feel the same way too. Like I'm crying even just thinking about it. Cause it's sad to see, I grew up here and to see the city where it is now, it's like fucking Mad Max right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, yeah, I don't know what the answer is, I don't know what to do, but... I mean, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am really obsessed with my whoop. Tom and I are deep into whoop game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything, and you can see how caffeine impacts your sleep, you can see how well you slept, how many disturbances through the night, and you know what I love most? Is cause I'm trying to lose weight, and I, after I exercise, I like to look at the calories I burned before I exercise, and then I look right after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you didn't recover. And then the neat thing is whoop will tell you, Hey, you didn't have great recovery. Therefore you should do this kind of a workout today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, to see what's going on. So try WOOP, you will love it. For our listeners, WOOP was offering 15% off with the code YourMomAtCheckout. Go to WOOP, W-H-O-O-P dot com and enter YourMomAtCheckout to save 15%. Get to know yourself on a deeper level. Unlock yourself with WOOP. Sorry, sorry, what were you saying? Don't be mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back in 92, we had riots. We had fires. None of this shit is new to LA, okay? We've been done through this shit a few times. The difference now...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it feels like nobody is helping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're on your own. You don't, you can't call the police because guess what? They can't take people to jail because of COVID. They will just ticket someone for doing some crazy shit. The homeless are out of fucking control because they can't commit them against their will now because they're allowed to just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I feel as though the structure that used to hold the state together is just not there and like the bad things have always happened in the city and we always


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We always bounced back. There was a sense of like, that's alright ma'am, Angelino's gonna be getting on top of this shit. Fuck, we're gonna be fine bro, fuck you. There's just no hope, it feels really,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we have Silicon Valley and Hollywood, two major fucking industries, and we're broke? How is this even possible?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem with democracy is that the general public


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, when you think about it in a comedy context, I'm all about the philosopher king. Aristotle believed we should raise a philosopher king outside of society from their birth so that they were not manipulated by human dramas and wealth and they weren't greedy. The point being, think about comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about the general public, alright? Those comment cards and comedy clubs. Who should come back every year?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know who I think is funny? Is the hypnotist or Johnny Crocodile. He wears a funny jacket and getting all that. Think about what the general fucking public likes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't even want them voting for the number one comedian in America, let alone the fucking president. We need an IQ test. If you pass the IQ test, then you can vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right, and why are they gravi- they're gravitating towards Trump, because I think mental illness people like Jesus talk, they love going to God and the devil, and then Trump really leans into that too, like when he's like, he holds the Bible up in front of the church. He taps into that market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember in that it was like Reagan vs Mondale and people really hated Reagan because he was an actor and he came from like a bullshit background too. And there was like this apocalyptic fear too and Nancy was really conservative. Remember they were like burning books. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best, yeah, for sure, but. The red scare, that was, so that was the 80s, so this is not new, by the way, this feels scary to us, cause now we're the adults, and now we have children, and we're like, what the fuck, who's buying into this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get messages on TikTok. I think what he's referring to is the actual app being like, Hey Steve, someone liked your talk. And he's, he's in turn, he's internalizing that and personalizing that versus just like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, and you can direct message, but my inclination is that he doesn't know how to check the instant mess, the direct message. I'm guessing they're just sending him those spam emails and it's aggravating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, when I'm like, oh I didn't get in there with soap, enough, I must not have, cause I still stink, I must have forgotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think, and he's right, I have relatives that are very smelly, who don't bathe a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and ever since I've had children, I think about my, uh, reality every day. More, more now that I'm in my forties and I have two little boys and I'm like, just let me live until they're 18. God, just give me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want you to feel bad about your instacart revelation because my husband had a similar one when he was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's no Diet Cokes! And I was like, you know there's this app on the phone called Instacart and you can put the Diet Coke in the Instacart and the next grocery is all over that. And he just looked at me like, he didn't say anything and I was like, do you want me to just assume the responsibility of the Diet Coke getting from now on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what do you guys have planned for tonight? Who's cooking dinner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the money spot. And you know who I learned that off of was Trevor Noah, cause that's where he went on the first time I went to Africa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, is shitting blood in Africa normal? Normal. Normal. Yep. I remember I opened, I opened with, uh, I'm originally from Africa, but isn't everyone. Yeaah, that's a good one. And all the Africans would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that in, uh, in Bangladesh. You did? I said I can tell who the leaders are. They're the one with the orangutan beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. And then your stand-up's like, oh, let me tell you about the time. Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry. Yeah, it's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're supposed to find the funny in tragedy. That's what we're supposed to do, but apparently now it's turned to find the tragedy in tragedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It drives me nuts when I watch people get in trouble, uh, on their stand up specials or something they did earlier. The judging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know this is a weird story, so I'm starting out in Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go to this little town, Penticton, and the week before I was there, uh, uh, a retaining wall had fallen on a lady while she was gardening and killed her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just like, that's murder for sure. You know, I've seen a couple murder shows and I know murder. So I go on stage that late and I say, hey, how about that, uh, that lady that was murdered by her husband while she was gardening? And somebody screams out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can't recover because people are just mumbling, you know, it's, it's like one of those town hall meetings on a cartoon. How do we do it? Torches come up, you know, so I don't, I can't recover. I don't, this is like, I was the only time I've ever done a walk off stage. I'm like, good night and walk off stage. And this is three years into my career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went back probably 10 years later and did a show there and in that time her husband had been put in jail for murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And getting the insurance money and running off with his secretary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know Brian Irwin? Of course. He's found like six or seven bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? His neighbor across the street, somebody over there walking into a house, he's got all sorts of dead body stories. Wow. You should bring him on and make him tell stories about dead people. That is so weird. Like six or seven? Like a ton. I guess that's six or seven if you weight him up, that's a ton. Yeah, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a berm for the waves and some truck driver will just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some girl was lying on the beat. Just drove over the top of her, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go, you gotta go where there's no tire tracks. That's the first thing, like, so, and be near other people. How about this right here? Right here, look on this screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, running late, gotta get coffee, talk to you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, my dog was barking at a guy that washed up on, on the thing and she went out and found him. Holy shit. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you'd want to live just outside of Vancouver. Vancouver is great, but if you got a little bit outside, you would like it even more. I believe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little bit uhm, it's, and I get in trouble every so often for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't tell the truth, you're a fucking asshole. If you don't, you don't bullshit someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know, where sometimes now it's, you tell them and they're hurt for eight years even though they're the scam artist. Right. You know, it doesn't make sense, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell me that you're gonna give me something and then never talk to me again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, I, I do, now I've seen, I, I, I'm able to get them to come to my game, right? So that's, that's the thing that is, is been for me. I haven't been able to build this huge following.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been able to take people that have never seen me before and want to get on the ride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know every so often there's a couple people that don't want to go on a ride and I'm always confused by them I'm like so you either you've either watched what I've done or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we were just a restaurant, I've always said from like the time


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started doing stand up and figuring out comedy clubs. The biggest thing that is the pain in the ass for comedy clubs is comedians. They, they would, they hate comedians and everything they do. Like it's, if you go 10 minutes over, they start losing their shit. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you would just be going, you would be trying to figure out, especially in these days and times, you would just have it so you could keep ordering it, so your bill would go automatically onto your credit card, and you'd be able to keep, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do you want to do Peoria? I'd love to. Uh, I don't look at a map, we'll see where it is. Somebody tells me, just rent a car when you get to Chicago and drive there, not knowing it's four hours away. So I drive, I drive to Peoria and nobody shows up, it's empty, like empty. And there's a strip club right next door as well. Yeah, that's my favorite part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my fourth show. Directly next door. Directly next door. I'm like, on my fourth show, I'm like, there's not enough people here to do stand up, I'm taking you all to strip club. So like 30 of us go to the strip club. It's got less people than I do. And I've never felt such success in my life. If pussy can't win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, you can tell bodies have been found there. Like, it's so bizarre. It's just like, oh, this is it. It's like a scene out of a horrible movie. And then you go up to Hilarities and you're like, rainbows and lollipops. It doesn't make sense at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a training's fun, the training's fun, and I'm not, it's just, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember growing up in Canada playing hockey, the way you learned how to fight was grab onto a guy's shoulder, pull him towards you and punch. That's it. That's real savage. That's it. Hockey fights? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there's a, have you ever heard a podcast called Spittin' Chicklets? No. It's a, it's a hockey podcast. It's got a Canadian guy, two American guys on it. It's hilarious. It's absolutely hilarious. And the one guy listens to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's the closest thing you'll ever be in, being in a locker room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, former NHL players. Oh wow. And they're just really, I think when you say Canadians, very funny, like just naturally funny people. And Americans that play hockey are very much the same way. I will say. They're just funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said we weren't and ended up overhead. He was sent away with shame. Is he still in the? He's in the KHL now. He's over in Russia. He's probably got a bigger house over there. I bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the guy who puts his balls in his butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and it was a solid log, almost broke through his pants. I don't know if you've seen that. That was very, very-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you got that kind of material on a couch if you fart like that. That is some serious material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. I used to have this roommate when I first moved to LA, he was from Canada, Kelly Dixon, and he used to say the funniest things, he goes, that's one of those mean gay guys, you can just tell, he's just fucking just really mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, who doesn't? I just, once you walk in the door, you just crank her right in the face with it. Dude, this might be a footage, this might be footage of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Jesus. Why bring him into this? By the way, nice yellow, very impressive yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, his braces, it's time for them to come off. Cause they are not working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an incident with Facebook not too long ago. Did you? Yes. Can I tell you Mark Zuckerberg, I'm coming for you. Let me tell you this. I believe it's Zuckerberg. I'll tell you, I go with Mark. That's the way I want to talk to him. Let me tell you something, Zuggie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I posted a photo, uh, I, somebody, it wasn't mine, I was just seeing it, it was a grandpa lying on a, on a, uhm, lawn chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he looked like Roger Stone and his nuts were hanging out of his shorts. So I said free Roger Stone stones and put them on. 30 days detention. Oh yeah. Mark Zuckerberg. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get a lot of those fake ones though too, so you gotta be careful you're not getting the fake ones, you know. They send a lot. By the way, I love when they're, uh, uh, rogerfromfacebook.gmail.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's enjoying the show. Studio T. I'm enjoying the show too. What are you guys gonna do my show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one of those wasn't enough? Like which thing wasn't enough for people staring at you? I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like it. Have you ever seen an owl when they pick up the feathers and they got really long legs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing this nonsense. Would she make that kind of money if she was wearing a big baggy outfit? The fact that you can see her lips through her pants probably helps a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or she's amounted to more. Right? Like she might have been that one, like, ugh, she's never gonna move out of the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she trying to get out? Is she trying to get out? Do you think it's a little subliminal cry for help?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, it's me again. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, isn't this kind of like, uh, that, uh, quote, doing the same thing over and over again. Definition of madness. Yeaah, he might want to try a different way to get into the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where it's really wet. Tuesday night, I've started something starting tonight on the 15th. I don't know if I'm doing this right. Perfect. But, uh, D Piazza Pizza in Long Beach has an outdoor area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And 60 people can come watch comedy spread out tonight. It's going to be me and Alfred Robles and Ahmed Ahmed. Uhm, we're going to be doing Tuesday nights. So if you want- Every Tuesday you're going to do it? Every Tuesday night, but you have to have a reservation. Uh, it's, it's, you know, everybody's smart. It's outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so just small group if you want to come do that. That'd be fun. Sneak out and do some


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been too long. And my wife says hi. Yea, we should all get together, you know. Absolutely. Uh, and I can't believe how many people listen to you guys. It's crazy. Everybody's always telling me to get on your show. I've actually been on if you listen to the episodes. That's been too long though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tastes extremely good. It contains healthy ingredients and some people eat animal sperm too. Good females eat their menstrual blood. Good luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On previous videos, I have pointed out that this is actually the figure of a naked woman and the crotch is formed by a bird form. This sign on the penguin's cage


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just a brief commentary on a new flag created for the Obama campaign. Now up here on the left we have the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Official logo of the Obama campaign, and that's a big O, which of course stands for him, and below that there are several stripes which indicate the homosexual movement. In other words, the rainbow flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course, as my regular subscribers know, the two stripes over three represent the Antichrist. Because two over three is the number .666.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I doubt very much if the designers of this flag really knew what they were doing. I don't think they wanted a satanic flag with satanic imagery, but maybe they consider that perfect for the Obama campaign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it does no harm to anybody, and I think that we need to free, free the top part of a person's body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to cut those teachers and firefighters, police officers, and cut critical healthcare programs. Or stop work on roads and bridges, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does the human cost of lack of state and local fiscal relief look like in Pennsylvania?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most girls blush at dirty scenes in the movies. I laugh because I know I can do better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope everybody likes it. I'll, I'll, every, everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I know, but you know, I've been watching, uh, with my kid, this incredible Disney doc on bears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, I'm sorry. No, no, no. What is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In no offense to like, city people, but I want my kid to experience like, grizzly breath. Like you feel it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Meanwhile, what's your kid face to face with every day? Oh, you don't want my kid to be inhaling the breath of a wild, exotic, beautiful, might I say somewhat erotic animal? What's your kid breathing in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] COVID, pollution, smog, your stress pheromones, you know what I mean? I want my kid to know what it's like to be in the face of a bear. Not just a bear, but all the wild animals of Alaska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda cool. Yeah, also the whole sun addiction thing, you know? That's a real problem. Everyone's like, I gotta be in the sun. Oh, let me get out in the sun. And I hate that shit, man. It's like, who doesn't come alive at night? Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I guess for the sake of protecting my family, uh, this is a joke, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me one of the craziest things right now in the United States is that there are laws that prevent you from having more than one wife. So stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So dumb. And, uh, it's just, you know, it takes a village to raise a child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm all for it. I, my erections are not very powerful. I've got low T. I do medicate. It doesn't do much. Low T. But I'll tell you, this is again why I want multiple, uh, wives because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the earlier days, you know, I probably would have gotten jealous and really upset about, you know, having to, uh, vie for my wife's attention with a couple of, like, you know, 20 year olds, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I, you know, I don't call it that anymore. I know that's what people used to call it, but I mean, is the wind polyamorous? Right. Is, or bees polyamorous? Cause they go to more than one flower?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At all. Like, I have not gotten past it. I, I, you know, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they don't, they got the COVID, they lost their jobs. Yeah. And so I've been, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's why I'm headed to Alaska. Like basically the way my wife put it is go up there. You'll be like a pioneer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scope it out and find out where the grizzlies are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, anyway, look, I'm not, I don't, look, as far as I'm concerned, people live the way you want to live. Right. If you want to be polyamorous as they called it in the old days, be polyamorous. I would not advise it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I mean, just think how good it'll feel to make love with some, you know, maybe like a lingerie model or some, you know, like, uh, I don't know, like a beautiful, hot,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, it's amazing that he's able to expose so many hidden dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what's wild to me, is this guy can simultaneously say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they're erotic, you know, much like the grizzly, you know, that's an erotic bird. You look back there and you see...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but again, you know, I think that's another interesting thing in the sense like you watch someone like this and you on one level you think okay, I'm looking at some kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Potentially highly repressed, paranoid person using a world of religion to, uh, project his aggression into the world. But then if you think about it on another level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could be like, uh, uh, an actual like deep level occultist who is, cause like number one, why are you turning me on with the birds? You know what I mean? He knows what he's doing. With those sexy legs on those birds. That's what I'm saying. It's like, okay, I hear what you're saying, but on the other hand, you're holding that phallus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, think about, like, it was a spoo- I was so stoned with a friend of mine, he was saying like, you know, if you got kidnapped, at some point,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know what they say, opposite stand, back to back, right? Have you ever heard that before? No. Yeah, and he's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna be the weird moment when he meets God, and God says, I made you the gayest man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made it so you could like fuck and suck and enjoy other men's bodies and the whole time you saw dicks everywhere. I put dicks all around you to lead you to where you want to be and instead you rejected me. Oh wow. He's doing this type of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm telling you, it's like, you know, I was talking, on the way over here, I was talking to a friend of mine, I'm like, I'm going to your mom's house, like, and you know, we were talking about, he was like, oh, you're going to see some TikTok videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was talking about, oh, I love those TikTok videos. And I was about to say something really judgmental. I was gonna say, you know, sometimes when I watch those TikTok videos you put up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, you know, you, you see those TikTok videos and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a part of you that thinks, wow, I wish I could be that free. Yeaah. And it was so smart and philosophical and I felt like, god, I'm such a judgmental shit that I'm looking at beings who are truly who they are. The difference between this guy and the dick


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Garden preacher is that, that, that garden preacher doesn't want other people to be the way they are. You know, that's where it becomes evil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that? That happens to us, you know, we're in these bodies and it's like, you know, you're gonna, isn't that crazy? Yeah, it is. That fucking happens. It's crazy. Whether you're into like jerking off on camera or whether you're like saving the world, you're still like, our bodies get so, that just happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, okay, okay, two things. One, I'm gonna say, and I don't mean to do conspiracy theory shit here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But to me that reminds me of like in the movies when you like get the right angle and it looks like you punched somebody. I think he's doing, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think's happening? Play it, let's see. He's fisting him? Oh, shit. This is the kind of thing we need to get the dick-w-witnesser to look at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry y'all, I think you've been had, like I think- Shit, really? I think that's simulated sex, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think they, I think they're like, if you look, notice that green hue behind them? See, I think that's bad compositing. I think that they're using a green screen to make it seem


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's absolutely, it's one of the things they do. It's like, I don't know why they do it, but yeah, that's more than likely what you're looking at is two of the world's elite. You know, the people who like, know the people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go back a second, I don't know if you can even go back, but maybe this is a question for your viewers. Do you think when you're being penetrated, Tom,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, exactly. It's like that first taste of a fresca. Yeaah. But this guy's like just... Just chugging the whole thing? Look man, I think relationships take work and if you're gonna, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this was, this is a whole genre of videos, but, and then what I, this is what I like about this one is that it's clearly like, this is his art because he's calling it Mark Martin Manure Tank, right? Like it's like he wants people to know that this is a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a, there's a tagline even, color. There's a lot of these out there, which is that, you know, I didn't even know, like when I, if I'm thinking of a manure tank,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But apparently there are these tanks out there that have like liquefied shit in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think one, probably one of the problems if you have one of these tanks is a punk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, no no no, it's the worst man, and like, I'm telling you, this is just like, classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. You can't beat a gimp. Again, you reinforce- they love that. Oh. Oh really? And especially right after they've been taking a shit bath, nothing- Maybe like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very hardy most of the time. Really? They'll get sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Covered in boils and pox and fleas and pestilence. But yea, I know two people whose gimps have passed away and that was from old age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is someone who's got two GIMPs, didn't secure the GIMPs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, and they honestly like, he thinks he's being so clever, he thinks he's like, every gimp has this weird sense of pride, and they revel in escape, but yeaah, it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't. It's actually, it's some people like, it's passed down over family lines for generations to really like, take care of again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Uh, well, you know, I'm uh, I'm not a homeowner. I rent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm renting a place that's ridiculously expensive, but wonderful. And, uh, I just feel like living in a city that's locked down where you can't do stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, you know, like if you're gonna eat, you're gonna be like, if you go out to eat, you're- LA is beautiful, man. I feel, I love this city so much and like, you know, anybody who's like gotten figured out a way to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, whatever as fucked up as this place is and as weird as the system is and all of it, it's like I met y'all, I got to be at the comedy store, I got to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy that I got to become a comic at the comedy store when I, you know, when I didn't even want to be a comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm just saying that because I don't want to sound like I'm beating up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But god, this city is fucked up right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now it's fucked up. It wasn't always like this, it's fucked up right now. And I had a moment of thinking like, well, are you gonna, like, leave a city that, like, shouldn't you stay and try to, like, be a part of the community or posi- you know, I had those moments, but I've got a kid, you know, and I just, uh, I w- I just don't want him, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna, I wanna be up in nature, I've also got like a conspiracy theory side, I don't even wanna call it that, but I do have a weird sense of like, man, I've never in my whole life


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, like, my, Johnny Pemberton, he was just on your show. Yeah, great. Holy shit, man. Johnny Pemberton has been posting these Mai Tai videos on Instagram that have been like burning me up because like it looks like an incredible Mai Tai and I was looking up how to make a Mai Tai and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ingredients, you've got, like, you've got to order, like, you have to get ship, the booze shipped in from like Miami and stuff to make the kind of Mai Tai. He's got like a weird collection of incredible Mai Tai ingredients. It's the sweetest thing. Came over to my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, we're, we're sitting in my, we're standing in my pool during the heat wave, 112 or 15 degrees, and the, the, the, the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Light is yellow from the smoke and then it starts snowing ash. And I'm sitting there thinking I can't have, this is the kind of thing where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't want to sound cheesy or whatever, but like, you know, you listen to the earth. And it's like, it's snowing ash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sky is yellow, and, uh, it's hotter than, it's, I went to India once, it never got that hot. It's so fucking hot, like, like, like hot, like, this is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty world-class heat, man. And also, I'm not a homeowner. If I owned a home, it's a whole different story, because like, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you know, you're investing in your, in your property and like, stick it out, but I'm, I'm renting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've al- like you, you, I know there's so many great comics at the Comedy Store, I've always respected your work ethic, and like, have recognized like, holy shit man, this is like a mystical activity that you're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you get off stage, you'll punch up a joke and like all those just moments that were happening there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it man, it was so much to me that I was literally staying in LA for it. Like that was it. I did the Midnight Gospel, but in my head I was always thinking, if the comedy store goes away, I don't think I'm going to stay in LA anymore. It meant that much to me and I know, I know


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think you have to listen to, this is what happened was, and again man, I really do, I've been doing acid since I was 16. So when I get an idea sometimes, I really have to give it like 2 or 3 or 4 days to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sure about that one Duncan? And I'm lucky cause I have this wonderful wife who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. I know man, that's the problem of like being like too committed to trolling sometimes. No, it's great. It's why you're great. Thank you. Thank you. But yea man, I just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought a meteor was gonna hit there, for example, cause I go on Reddit conspiracy and I was thinking, oh, it's not really a pandemic. They're locking us all down cause they got some data about a meteor hitting and they want people inside cause they know it's cra- crazy shit like that. Like, uh, when I, I sat on Rogan and there was this pause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for a second I thought, wow, Rogan's gonna be like, holy shit. And the pause, he's like, he said, the reason I paused is cause that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, there have been a lot, those things have been happening, and, uh, but that's true!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he said, he was brilliant, but he, like one of the things he said, we were just, you know, I, I, again, I wanna believe that he is saying things in a way cause he knows them, but he can't say I know him. He's like someone who's been in front of Senate and stuff and like he was one of the people who, uh, like this shit has been happening so much in the military.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That there are people who've gotten radiation poisoning from being around them and they're not getting disability pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's like a real issue in the military, uh, not like an issue like it is for hippies like me or like, I knew it, it means a galactic consciousness or something like that, but an issue in the sense that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one, it's a massive threat to have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things that fast that are using like physics that theoretically they kind of understand but we don't have and so that means that if they did have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, any kind of wreckage or anything like that. The reason, because my, my, what I've always thought is they don't want us to know that these beings are visiting us because if we know that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disrupts the power structures of the earth because so much of what makes a person a statist or like, uh, uh, like stuck in their lives is that we can't get off the planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, exactly, that would be that, like if I've thought about this, like if all of a sudden every single one of us had access to not just the vehicles, but we had a place to go, uh, the funniest thing would be watching all these shitty politicians who have been telling us how to live just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I realized, oh no, it's actually more, it's way more boring than that. Which is, if the military has managed to get one of these crafts, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way he put it and the way he said it was, this is just my opinion, I'm not saying this is real. It's my opinion. So I'm just saying that on his behalf. But he, he said...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem is the material is, it looks like something constructed it by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, is it gravity propulsion? Which means that, so the way, like, you know, again, man, obviously clearly not a scientist here. You know, if Kirk was here, he's more into cars. He's, he could explain it to you, but the, the, the idea is that there might be a way to produce a situation where you, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're falling forward. So these devices make it so that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cause what the fuck are we gonna do if China or Russia or anywhere else figures out how to make these things before we do? It's like, if you look at the atom bomb,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just gotta say this real quick. Yes. That, you know, they're called tic tacs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They kinda look like dicks. Dickdacks, right? Yeah, the UFOs might be dicks. Ohhhh. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know man, weird shit to happen at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had been getting that same thing that was making me think a meteor was gonna hit but with like, I just ca- I was getting this like, hippie,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, I don't know why I feel like I have to keep calling myself a hippie to you guys, cause I feel like I don't, I don't actually, probably I'm not really a hippie, but I was getting this weird sense of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta leave, like you can't stay in the city. And remember that fucking earthquake we had? And I've been through a lot of earthquakes as y'all have, but that one was like, it felt angry. It was like, grrrr, it was like, you know, it was like, get out of here, grrr, it was a dog with a, you know. And also the other problem is like, I'm like, you know, having, you know, I love Ram Dass, I love like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fine, I mean he really, you know, he wrote a book right before he left his body and he was like so, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's great. Yeah, I'll cry looking at him. He was so good at like getting his, uh, like, you know, I think he would think it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny that people were upset that his body wasn't here anymore because so much of what he taught was like, you're not your body, you're more than your body, you don't have to, and he was very much into like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting with dying people and people who are near death, helping them like, let go, and just a beautiful thing, but, you know, uh, because of that spiritual stuff, I do have this part of me that's always like, look, that's a projection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, but saying that, that everyone in LA needs to leave or any of that stuff is, is equally ridiculous, but the, I'll tell you the big moment I had, the big moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then she got the, we have another child on the way. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And she had just gotten the baby room painted. What are you having? I know gender is a construct, but what are you having?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be fine, babe. You know, this pandemic, it's gonna pass and we've got this beautiful house and we're in a lease and let's just stay. We've got a yard for the kid and you know, do you really want to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Move during your, uh, second trimester, and you know, that's gonna be, and then, like, literally, like, Joey Diaz calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, that's actually, he didn't say that because you know why? Cause Joey would never, I don't think he would incur like, but he just said he was leaving and it was hearing Joey Diaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say he was leaving LA. Joey Diaz, who takes acting classes, you know, two times a week. Joey Diaz, who fucking like, if anybody is dedicated to like going on auditions, if you're not going on auditions, what are you even doing in the fucking world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, like, that for me was like, that's when I realized, like, I gotta stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lying to my wife that I feel okay being here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Rogan leaving, it's like, well, you know, he's like, he's going to Austin, I get it, he wants to do, I get it, and I understand it like, but, and it did make me think like, damn, that sucks, Joe's leaving, but Joey leaving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be like, well, you know, I'm paying that tax because I'm in a beautiful utopia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, to me it's like, if you're gonna be progressive...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go all the fucking way. Right. Don't say you're being progressive just because you're letting people camp out in the streets. The real, it is mental illness and I think you could say drug addiction is a mental illness. But if you, what, to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I think is happening is that we have a lot of people, many of the homeless, and I don't know the statistics, they love


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drugs. They love heroin. Many of them are like medicating themselves because of like, you know, underlying mental conditions. Many of them are just habituated to heroin. So they love drugs. They're doing heroin. And so the city has shelters apparently, but the problem is they won't let them


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So because they're not letting the drugs in the shelters many of them will say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uh, systemic racism and all this stuff, uh, classism and high rents and all that stuff. But if you want to look at like the tourniquet solution, like right now the problem is these people need to be able to do drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What? It's so dumb. To me, what's really short-sighted about the whole situation and I don't understand it because I'm assuming the people who make these corporations into like trillion-dollar enterprises are aware of like history and what happens in history and generally what happens in history. Seattle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're looking at like, the problem is the more dis- like, I think the idea was not to sound like hyper cynical, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't know, and the presidents were rich, but you wouldn't, they wouldn't be flashy, you wouldn't know, but now the problem is, and you know, you've got like people on the right who are like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Socialism's coming. Communism's coming. And it's like motherfuckers, look at history. Because it's like if you're asking people in the streets to live on minimum wage,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And feed their fucking kids on minimum wage while simultaneously watching their leaders


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking playing golf, richer than shit, and you expect them to believe that they're gonna get to that point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the satanic idea. It's like you dangle this carrot that keeps people like, I guess I could at some point and it would happen maybe. And now it's like on top of all that, it's like, you know, and I am not advocating Marxism because I don't understand it. I tried reading Karl Marx for a second. It's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very difficult for me to understand. I don't get it and any kind of ism I think is a dangerous thing, but I do know this. I know fucking Marxists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're smarter than shit and they're globally organized and they recognize when stuff starts happening where people recognize the problem and economic disparities and they take advantage of that on purpose and it's not like it's a hidden conspiracy. You know, I had a cool little antifa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, manual I got in a bookstore in New York and the first paragraph in the beginning was something on the lines of, we think it is so funny when people are upset when we break windows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they don't seem to realize we are trying to overthrow the government of the United States so that there will be Marxism. And it's like, you know what I'm saying? To me it's kind of like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, the point is, is like, look, you've gotta have some way to make it so that people have at least a reason not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't work. Those are against human nature. Oh my god, I think GIMP uprising that happened in Portugal, which is the idea where the GIMP is, the GIMP thinks that if they behave at least once a month, you will jerk them off to completion. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you hear again and again, socialism doesn't work, socialism doesn't work. And I don't, I think right now, if you look at what's happening, this isn't working either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so, so, so, so that means, and also, I keep thinking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two best guys. And that's where I feel dumb saying the system works, cause at least it worked enough. And worked enough in presidential candidates. Look at these two men. Two men who are like physically fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are two men who are like as healthy as healthy could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very very very good things. You know, and to me that is like, I think a lot, when I think, when I, sometimes I wonder if maybe what I'm experiencing is not so much the beginning of people waking up to the fact that much like other empires, the United States is about to collapse, but people feeling that kind of anxiety from like, you know, it's like when you go to a restaurant, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Biden, I'm voting blue. I don't like him. I don't want to do it. I feel fucking pissed and I'm forced into the situation. The reason I'm doing it is really basic and it's just cause Trump was like suggesting people should shoot looters, which to me is like, you know, and honest to God for a second, I was like, I don't know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who I'm gonna vote, for a second I'm like, I don't know, Biden, I don't know, but suddenly you're like, you motherfucker, you're like, and he's doing like accidental like tweets or apps that say like the SS and shit in there and he's doing dog whistles and shit and it's basically, it's like, you're gonna, you're gonna force me into this shit fucking binary, but that being said, cause no matter what you get attacked for saying anything,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't think that guy would be fun to do cocaine with. Trump? Yeah, Trump. You're right about that. Now that is a positive thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's, look, I think every single one of them is like, anybody, like that's the other thing that bothers me is people are like, he's an idiot!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, and like also the other thing I think about is like, is I am like getting stoned and bitching about the government.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think to myself, dear God, what a shit job that is. Like, no matter what you do, everyone hates you. No matter what you do, you're going to get people killed. No matter what you do, people are going to call you a liar. No matter what you do. And like, so I, I, I don't, I think like, I think we, you know,


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[Assistant] The idea behind it is so beautiful though, which was the idea was, it's like, it's like the fucking olympic, like how funny would the olympics be if we, it wasn't just that the literally some of the least athletic people on earth suddenly appeared every few years and just sucked at


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[Assistant] Whatever it was. So instead of seeing these people do like 70 fucking backflips, you know, it's somebody with bad knees who like falls off the fucking horse thing. You know, that would be a hilarious Olympics, but what would be really funnier would be as if you said, Hey gang,


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[Assistant] These guys suck at sports, and suddenly people on Twitter are like, you fucking idiot, you don't understand, they're fucking incredible. Look, and you're looking at like somebody just like,


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[Assistant] Kind of like, you know, doing like bad rolls or like, you know, someone's dog paddling through a pool. That's the part that's real to me is like, we're looking at these people who are supposed to be


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[Assistant] Penultimate representations of American leadership in the world and both of them. Dude, I would not feel comfortable. No offense, Joe Biden, I am voting for you, but to be really honest, I would not feel comfortable with either of them driving my driving. No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there is like a, well, I mean that, or, or I think just mandatory. I, I don't, I don't, again, I, I, like- And we need to segregate again. Like, what about- Yes!


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[Assistant] That's the other, that's the other thing man, it's like, you gotta like shake the fleas off these days, like, cause people, they desperately want to believe, like, you know what, I kinda know about these two, and I know underneath it all, they're like, uh, they probably have a swastika tattoo somewhere, they really want that, cause it, like, you gotta, like,


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[Assistant] Do the boring vote. That's what you do. Boring. It's boring.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's it, man. And it's just like that guy, Biden, who the fuck knows, but every other way. And again, this is like in the same way, like I don't.


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[Assistant] If I, I don't trust vaccines, but I get my kid vaccinated. And the reason I do that is because I didn't go to fucking medical school, but my pediatrician who I pay a lot of money did. So when he says they work and it's safe, she rather, I'm sorry. I am such an asshole.


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[Assistant] Media, the liberal mob, shifty shift and the shift show, corrupt.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Cassidy, the, uh, weather channel dude you probably don't know by him, or, uh, Gruesome Newsome. Right. Uh, or, uh, fucking Messy Garcetti. These are people who are legitimately trying to trick people into thinking it was hot. Okay, let me just add to this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it felt hot. Yeah, yeah, it felt hot. And like when I was in the pool with Johnny, it quote, felt hot. But guess what?


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[Assistant] They will make you feel hot. They will make you feel cold. They will make you feel this. They'll make you feel that. So the my suggestion coming from the MSM regarding the heat is it's not.


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[Assistant] Who the fuck is, again, okay, so that guy's not running for president? What the fuck is happening? We've got world class intellectuals, world class speakers, that, I felt like,


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[Assistant] This is mental illness. It's mental illness, but I mean, like that's the part that's really weird to me, and I don't know if that categorizes as like a quote Karen video, but the part to me is like, they all have a similar kind of like,


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[Assistant] Quality to them that makes you feel like they're possessed or like why is it the same kind of thing?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, but yeaah, that's the, that's why you look at Pence. Cause it's like, Pence is a Christian. Yeaah, I buy that, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Also like you like, if you're a Christian like Pence is, you really do believe in the Antichrist or the great dragon. Oh yea, yes, yes.


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[Assistant] But also I think Pence, like underneath the thing where he has to act like he likes the president, there's a little Jesus who's like, you're standing next to the Antichrist.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? And Vince is like, that's the, not that Trump is literally the Antichrist, but when I say it's like, uh. But he knows he's with a liar.


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[Assistant] Man, this is, this is the basic thing I keep going back to, which is like, God, I'm so dumb because no matter what I get magnetized by the government, I start thinking about the government. And then when you start thinking about the government, no matter what side of the fence you're on, what do you start thinking? You start thinking they're the ones that are going to help us. And it's so stupid.


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[Assistant] You know, I gotta, I'm gonna make a very embarrassing admission about an argument my wife and I got in. It's embarrassing because I was completely wrong.


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[Assistant] My, my wife has like been like making like Instacart orders for us, right? And so we'd have milk. And for a second, I was like, come on, where's the milk? And I'm like, but then I'm like,


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[Assistant] I can, it's not like ordering fucking Instacart is like a puzzle. I knew we needed milk. I could have ordered milk and I didn't order the fucking milk. But I was like, but, but in the, in, in that moment.


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[Assistant] And in any of those moments where I like realize I have like leaned into somebody else way too much to do a thing that anybody could do.


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[Assistant] It's embarrassing, but I think with our government, collectively, we're all fucking doing that.


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[Assistant] We're all, yeaah, we're all waiting for them to order the fucking milk. We're all waiting for them to solve the problems. We're all waiting for them to come and do this or that and we're all waiting for them. It's like- It's not gonna ha- the milk's not gonna arrive. They're not gonna get a- you milk!


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[Assistant] Is that, I mean, I had a friend who worked for local news and his job was to film pieces that had been paid for by companies. So like, all of a sudden the news would do a story that's like, it's hot out there, we've got to stay hydrated. And Gatorade is a fantastic way to stay hydrated. That's a paid commercial.


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[Assistant] Well, that's where you lose credibility, and that's where you create a fucking problem, cause it's like, yeaah, this guy is clearly like, look, if I had to bet in Vegas on like, is it he at the very least possessed by demons? I'm gonna say yeaah, he's got some demons in him probably. Hey, I've had demons in me.


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[Assistant] But also, like, if you look at some of the shit he's done for prison reform, for example, if you've done, look at some of the crazy shit he's done there, and that is good. It is good.


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[Assistant] I mean, I stink all the time these days, wet or dry. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. No, look man, I couldn't answer his question. I mean, it would be impossible, number one, like...


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[Assistant] I don't, I've never even thought like do I smell different when I'm wet? I've never even, it's a brilliant question.


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[Assistant] I would fund this. You get a random sample of black people.


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[Assistant] Cause you know, we're talking about one person subjective, like experience, we don't know what his, you have to get a lot of people actually.


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[Assistant] This is the other problem with, with like these days with science. Everybody wants to build a time machine or figure out something. This is just, it's, yea, is it useful? No. But does it add knowledge to humanity? Yes. Absolutely. And when you see somebody like that,


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[Assistant] That's Galileo. You're looking at somebody who's in, somebody told me it's the question that's important. Yes, Heidegger. Yeah. Forming of the question. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Exactly, and that- that is a brilliant-


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[Assistant] And everything you own is gonna be around way longer than you are. That real moment where you're like, oh no, no, I am definitely, definitely plunging into the abyss.


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[Assistant] Just dies, like, there was a, in my college actually,


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[Assistant] Uhm, one of the teachers, she went out to her car with her kid, sat down in the seat


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[Assistant] Uh, started the car, looked at her kid and said, I don't, I don't feel norm. And just die.


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[Assistant] Like an aneurysm, but it was literally like, like she was just gonna go to work and then in front of her kids, she just died. There's a, I'll send you this video, man.


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[Assistant] Well no, it's actually, I think he's Indian giving a speech and he has a massive stroke during the speech. So for one second he's just like talking and giving this great speech, then his eyes roll back in his head and he's gone.


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[Assistant] I mean, that is, you know, or you see those fucking horrible videos of that tower shooter back in Texas who's like taking people out. That's literally the human experience. Only, you know, it's not a person in a tower. It's just the gears of the universe at some point. You just are going to like.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, it is until you surrender to it, and then it's the most freeing, liberating thing, because then you get to, like, I mean, look at the difference between this person,


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[Assistant] Yeaah, cause it is like, you're not really like the whole, like that, being a parent, I know exactly what you mean. And I get that, uh, but uhm,


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[Assistant] Yeah, the reality of the human, like this is one of my, there's a Buddhist teacher who says the great,


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[Assistant] The great miracle is that people...


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[Assistant] Don't seem to fully understand they're gonna die. And it is so hilarious because our entire society is based on the most absurd, like imagine like you're, you don't have a parachute, you're falling for approximately 70 years, 70 years you're falling and during that time you're like getting Botox and shit.


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[Assistant] Like, you were gonna splatter on the ground, you were going to, you know what I mean, everything you know, everything in your mind, all your, everything, you're just dead and then people forget about you. So fast. So fast, that's the other thing.


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[Assistant] There's a video of it. You've probably seen that. There's always a video. Have you seen that crazy slingshot thing? Like, you know, it's like, I think it's like a county fair ride. And right before they launch the people, the guy's like, hey man, your seatbelt's off.


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[Assistant] You know, he says that, that sounds like something that the, uh, publicist for the airline industry says.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you die, you get to enjoy, like you're just like, well, thank goodness my heart's exploding because I was about to be incinerated and if not that, like just smashed to bits. But yeah, there's actually a book that is


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[Assistant] It's a book of transcripts of the black box recordings of all these airplane crashes. And the creepiest one is the pilot just starts singing nursery rhymes.


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[Assistant] Like sleepy things you'd sing to a kid like, go to sleep, and goodnight, and that's how you know you're dead when you hear that come through the intercom.


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[Assistant] I will, man. Yeah, I'm gonna send you, I, you know, I already do have like a, I, I,


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[Assistant] May I plug something really short? Thanks so much. I have coming out a beautiful calendar of wildlife erotica.


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[Assistant] Uhm, not just grizzly bears, uh, raccoons, sparrows, of course the rabbit, and c- and house cats, but-


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[Assistant] Uh, it's not so sexual that you couldn't put it, uh, in your house. People, most people don't even notice it, but if you're a fan of wildlife erotica, you are going, you are going to love this calendar. It is a big turn on and it's very, very, very hot. So.


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[Assistant] Kirk loves a souffle. Lane is not a big fan. He is a vegan. It's a meat souffle. And then, uh, yeaah. Then after that, I gotta get out. Tonight's my, um, hotel night, so I can't stay at the house.


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[Assistant] You know, the thing about it is, is like, who's any of our fathers? Is to me, like, when I think about that, it's like, where are you going to say, like, oh, so you're the father or that's the father. I mean, the earth is the mother and you know what I mean? So who am I to assign?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, y'all are kinda like my parents in a way, and a lot of people's parents, so in that way, you know, I, I've been...


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[Assistant] I'm, I can't ask the question anymore, cause he does punch me in the chest when I ask it, so. Yeah, that's gotta hurt.


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[Assistant] It actually, uhm, yeaah, my sternum has ruptured twice now, so I didn't ask, so you didn't see me ask, so please leave me alone.


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[Assistant] Thanks man, I'm gonna miss y'all too. I'm gonna miss seeing you at the store. We'll see each other again, you know, it's okay. This is, I think ultimately what's happening will be good for everybody just because centralization is


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[Assistant] People are splitting to like fix some of the problems they need to fix.


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[Assistant] Yeah, come on up, you know, uh, I think it's gonna be beautiful. I'm really looking forward to it. And again, uh, it's called


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[Assistant] Yeaah. He's like, oh my dear Lana, I'm getting on another plane right now, I just landed in Vegas. Turns around.


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[Assistant] So it's one year with this guy, you're his hostage, this guy Ed Asner, or one year with the dick guy.


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[Assistant] Uhm, brought mine work, oh man, it's gonna be tough to- Yeaah, mother, jeez, little jeez. Alright, who's up next? This is Ben? Is that what I'm seeing? Yeah. Penny? Penny.


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[Assistant] Oh that's right, he's in Spokane. That's right, I remember that too.


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[Assistant] You know, I, I'm not sure that would be the great opening line I would use. Uh.


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[Assistant] I would, I would try something smoother.


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[Assistant] Are those straps strong enough to keep your boobs up? Okay.


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[Assistant] Well, you know, there's definitely a mouthful right there, okay?


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[Assistant] Hey mommies, this is Stephen and Willow from Boulder, Colorado. Uhm, thanks for this opportunity. Uhm, I was in the hospital a couple months ago from my back and my physical therapist recommends that I get a firmer mattress, but I'm on furlough right now from the restaurant industry. So we do, we really appreciate this opportunity and chance. Thank you so much. And we're keeping them high.


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[Assistant] Where are you moving? How far away? Does it have furniture yet? What will you do with the furniture here? Do you cut the grass yourself? Will you bring someone else to do it? When you live in the place, who will move it? Will you move some, will help people come help you?


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[Assistant] On Thursday, I would be in the park with my friend, drinking 40's, like smoking blunts, and then on Friday, I'd be on a plane with the cast to the Emmys. Go to like, Emmys red carpet, win the Emmy, be on stage, fly back Monday, and then Monday night I'd be back at the park, drinking 40's and smoking, and now I'm like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] But we would, we would come to like kids awards in LA and I felt like an out cat. I would be like outside smoking a cigarette and kids would have like frosted tips and like, and you're like, what the fuck is it? Like it just felt so, and me and her would just, that's how we got.


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[Assistant] Extremely close because we were always like the kids and always, you know, like we always stayed together and it was, it was definitely, when we would come out here, there was something up. Like we were like, what's going on? It was different.


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[Assistant] And you've watched or not? Never. Uuuh. And no interest? No. So we would, at the premieres, they would have us sit down and watch the first episode of the first two, and that's all I've ever seen.


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[Assistant] And you're not interested in watching it at all? No. And I was at my friend's house when the finale happened and they set up like a screen, like an outdoor screen for everyone to watch and like 10 minutes before they're like, this just isn't, it's not working, you can't see.


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[Assistant] So I was sitting inside and everybody came inside and put on inside so I went outside.


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[Assistant] I've heard of people like buying, uh, jackets at like Goodwill or something and they reach in the pocket and they find sides to the Sopranos because we would just all like


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[Assistant] And the worst is sometimes you'd be like, okay, your call time is 3.30 in the morning and you'd be there at...


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[Assistant] The craziest thing my dad ever did to me, he told me, uh, I left my socks by the toilet. And I was like, no, I was like, no, I didn't. I would never take my socks off in the bed. He's like, you left your socks by the toilet. If you don't go fucking pick them up right now. So I'm like, God, so I go.


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[Assistant] We would do read-throughs, and it was like everybody from the cast, uh, would come, even if you weren't working that day, everyone just showed up, and you walked in the same entrance, so the autograph guys would figure that out, and they'd be like, okay, we can get all these dudes on one day.


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[Assistant] I was so uncomfortable and like weirded out and I know I'm about to see Jamie.


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[Assistant] And I think this is when you said like she blossomed into a woman. I think this is when it happened because I said to her, one of those fucking guys downstairs had a picture of you and he had me sign it and your tit was out. And she was like, ah, did it look good?


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[Assistant] Nooo. I've never been addicted to one of those guys, but I was kind of addicted to one the last, when we went to the 20 year anniversary because


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[Assistant] This guy's like, hey, can I get an autograph? And of course I'm like, yeah, of course. Like, you know, blah, blah, blah. And then he, like two seconds later, no, no, no, he elbows me to get to Jamie.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, this fucking dude just, oh, and we were leaving, so me and Jamie shared a car, we get in the same car, we're driving off, and then like, the dude runs up to the car at the light, and was trying to get more while we're at, and I was like, don't fucking open that, we're like, I was, I was pissed, you know, but normally it's like, yea, they're just. Good for you. Yea, yea, I was like, don't fucking open that window, Jamie's like, I have to.


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[Assistant] They're not gonna let me come into a pr- it's a ridiculous thing to propose. Look, I've lost two grand at a casino and I've had a bad haircut. You did the two grand to yourself and that's way worse. Yeah.


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[Assistant] How much did you lose? I don't want to assume anything, but I probably have more money than you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she pulls, sometimes we get way out of line and she, you know, she pulls-


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[Assistant] What foods would you eat to make more po- is it like should I- if I wanted to produce the most poop is it like rice? Like grilled chicken is probably not gonna make as much.


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[Assistant] I was just walking down the street and with my dad and some dude came over and was like, hey, he should be in commercials. And I started auditioning, booked a bunch of commercials and then got sopranos.


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[Assistant] Like, with our relationship, everything he did was just perfect. Like, we were in the kitchen one time, on the show, and talking about, like, I had never seen a play, because everybody's such an actor on the show, and I'm like, I'm just waiting for this to be done so I can go take Percocets, and uh,


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[Assistant] So he's like, you've never seen a play in your whole life. And I'm like, no. And he's like, all right, I'll, you're, we're going to a play.


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[Assistant] He really, there was one time where he called us into his trailer, like in the middle of the day, and he's, people don't realize how much shit he had to do, like when you talk about how hard it was, it's like,


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[Assistant] He's in every scene, so let's say he's working 16 or 18 hours a day. As soon as he's done, he has to learn all the shit. Right. So when are you supposed to... Tomorrow's monologue. Yeah, so they give you a turnaround of say 6 hours, 7 hours, 8 hours, whatever. And then he has...


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[Assistant] You know, nine pages of dialogue to learn in that time and not just learn the words but figure out, you know, he was super and so he called us into his trailer and he just handed us all a check. Like a huge check.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I would tell him like, it's okay, you know, like, go ahead and be like, are you sure? Like, and as soon as they said cut, he'd be like, oh my, I'm so sorry, are you, are you okay? Like, do you want, do you need water? Do you need anything? I'd be like, no, it's fine. Let's go again. Like let's, you know, while we're, he was just.


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[Assistant] Is standing in the fucking aisle. I was...


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[Assistant] Can I tell you, I didn't even believe he shopped at Whole Foods.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he does too. He'll tell you about it. You know what I love is like you think when you see videos, you think like, oh, because we like this video, we also like this video, but it's so different when you show videos like,


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[Assistant] Very pretty. She is. She married the guy from Oz, the show Oz. Really? Oh, and then they


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[Assistant] Who I know, who noticed what you guys noticed, which is the guy who with the bulging eyes, who was crazy, like Indian Australian, but the reason why he was so crazy is because his eyes weren't just bulging, he was also squinting at the same time. So he was like this, but then like this. I actually think that is a


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[Assistant] I mean that's a home run. That one's like the best one I've done. Really good. So our, our other co-host Kassam had Big Ed do a cameo for me. It's up on our Instagram if you want to look for it. I laughed so.


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[Assistant] What about uh, Michael? You know, the one, he like brings her a cake and oh my god, it's just, it's the best show.


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[Assistant] Uhm, is this stockpiling thing something to show? The odd thing is he punched the save code into the microwave as the time.


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[Assistant] Like, you know a woman was like, come on, put a fucking collared shirt on for once in your life, and then he started to like pick his-


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[Assistant] It's crazy because if you think if it was somebody playing a joke they would have picked a more popular song. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] And I grew up super poor and I was like a half a block away from super rich people.


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[Assistant] You know, like there's no- and then you're going to school and you don't- I remember a girl


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[Assistant] Uh, as parents, or someone's parents, wouldn't let them sleep over at like my birthday when we're having a sleepover, cause they were like, oh, where he lives is a little too, you know, like, and that, that'd be like, I lived in like income housing, and they were like, I don't, they don't want my daughter, their daughter going there, and I remember her telling me why, and I was like, and she's like, yea, you're poor, and I was like,


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[Assistant] Can I say something? Oh yea. As a former, or a current addict, I guess you're always an addict, right? I think he might have fallen off the wagon.


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[Assistant] Could you imagine letting him know he was on a podcast and that he was one of the clearer speakers on said podcast? Hillbilly Rick 3.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta ignore it. Jamie, you look for the great things in people and you celebrate them. There you do. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Right, I buy every moment of her anger or everything, where Lisa, I just like, I think- She's a complainer, Lisa. Yeah, and it's just a little like whatever, and sometimes I see she's like smiling, like where's this one?


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[Assistant] There are a lot of juggalos. He could definitely be like mayor. Maybe not the president, but I think he could be a councilman.


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[Assistant] Who might be there? I would guess there were a bunch of them there. What's the positive, Jamie Lynn? What do you see?


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[Assistant] Exactly, that really took away my time in watching Monday Night Rawz.


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[Assistant] Well, he actually has. Really? He was active well into his 60s.


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[Assistant] And then his daughter, uh, became a wrestler and he came back and would like do bullshit like as a manager kind of thing.


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[Assistant] You guys wanna know more about wrestling? No.


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[Assistant] Adam Cole's pretty cool right now, you should check him out.


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[Assistant] I would, uh. You really like her, right? Yeah, no, this is what I would do. I would wait till she blew me, and then I would make her scope. I'd just bring it by, just to be like, hey, why don't you use this? You know what I'm saying? I've done that with girls who don't have big breasts.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because then they use my, cause then I can use my dick as the reason she needs the scope.


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[Assistant] Exactly. Then you go, oh man, when you scope like that, it's...


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[Assistant] It's mind blowing. And then if she declines the scope, then I'm just making out with my own dick, which is fine. You know what I'm saying? Then I change the bad breath with my dick. The smell of my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a start, okay, so then let me progress. You know, I could say to her, hey, you know, the last time you were blowing me, I got something on my dick. I don't know. Maybe you want to get it checked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just see if my dick might have maybe fucked something up in there. You know? It's for you.


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[Assistant] Or I could do it, you're right, I could like cause damage with the blowjob and then make her go to the dentist that way.


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[Assistant] into his hands. Mike Pence and Donald make a great team. They'll make our nation the greatest it's been.


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[Assistant] Make a great team They'll make our nation The greatest it's been They've got the wisdom


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[Assistant] Courage and pride. Criminal Clinton ought to go hide. They know our borders leak like a sieve. They'll build a wall that's high and strong and it's not gonna


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[Assistant] Okay. Another thing to say this morning, vote for Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Promote Jesus as hard as you can. Make sure everybody hears his word. No matter who they are or where they from.


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[Assistant] Even though they may call you a racist, and if you wave that green flag, I give you a high five. Because us southern boys...


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, Dixie rocks the world. Stars and bars.


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[Assistant] I love y'all, I'm praying for y'all, keep your eyes focused on him.


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[Assistant] Once we took God out of the schools, took God out of the courtrooms, took God out of work, took God out of everything, we lost a lot.


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[Assistant] Start supporting the police department, start supporting our president, cause Trump has done more for the US than any president here lately.


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[Assistant] And we need to quit supporting these stupid racist groups.


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[Assistant] Yeah, go ahead. Welcome to my butt stuff video part two. This is crucial information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, if you're not over 18 or you're just not into butt stuff, please keep scrolling. Okay guys, here's the good part.


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[Assistant] The anus is a circular muscle at normal resting state. That muscle is super clenched.


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[Assistant] Hello, this is Captain Marcel. My sister went down. I'm going down.


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[Assistant] I'm glad. That's what I'll say about it. I'm glad it's a hit.


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[Assistant] I feel like, I feel like it's really let the curtain down on a few, for a few, and uh, lost some fans.


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[Assistant] Well, that would be true, yes. I do, I do like the vetting process. Have you maintained at all? Oh yeah. Like it's one of those things now where it's like I'm obsessed with maintaining it. Good for you. So, we'll see how, I mean, then the COVID will come back in the fall and I'll see what happens.


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[Assistant] You know, because they are so space age, I didn't think that I should take them home. The studios tick up, so I kept them here in case, you know, someone else wanted to take it. Is that face bruise still visible? It might be. I did cut myself shaving. It might also be visible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I would raise the price, I mean, I'd have to take them home and plug them in, and I mean, we're talking overhead for electricity, I mean, a lot of wattage comes out of those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so let's put a giant umbrella of allegedly over this first story.


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[Assistant] Yes, but do you, are you aware of Senator Lindsey Graham?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, uh, no, but I can understand why you might consider that to be his job if you heard him talk.


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[Assistant] Uhm, polygamy and other things like that. You would think-


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[Assistant] And these have followed him throughout his career, you understand? And in 2018, he actually addressed it one time, he was like, I hate to disappoint y'all, but...


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[Assistant] There is no clandestine relationship with Ricky Martin happening. I'm sure hundreds of gay men are jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge when they find out that I'm straight, but I'm sorry, I'm not gay. And he went through all this trouble to explain.


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[Assistant] And, uh, recently, and I don't know what the catalyst for all this was, recently,


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[Assistant] Instance was published and then deleted at one point, uh, but it was commenting on Lindsey Graham and a sexual encounter and they were in the hotel room and


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[Assistant] Those are just you little ladybugs. And then he took it with him throughout his life and he has to explain that to every lover. You know, it must be taxing.


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[Assistant] Chocolate chips. They're just the chocolate chips in my cream.


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[Assistant] And also, and it goes along the lines of the outing aspect. People are questioning that. Is this, is outing this man the right tactic? But because he's been so appalling as far as gay rights go. That's true.


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[Assistant] Sort of a genre that he's a part of. A bit of the gonzo, uh, end of things, I would say. Uhm, I've included some stills of his work. Well, this is a headshot. This is just a headshot. Yea, he looks kind of like the kid that, you know, he was in like first grade with you, and he would play with a lighter on the school bus, and then he grew up. He's a Spaniard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yes, he's very well known in the industry. Very, very well known performer. There's him, uh, giving a woman a breakfast in bed, it looks like. That's corn flakes. Just a little spin on the cereal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you see that blur is his penis, and uh, he's pouring corn flakes on her face, and I'd imagine he's gonna add the milk if you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would imagine, uh, due to the sensor blur, it's, uh, maybe the hand is hidden. You wouldn't see the hand without the blur if you catch my, my drift. So basically he's, um, a pretty intense guy. I saw one video with him and Rocco in it together. Wow. It was called animal trainer. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were using a toilet just in ways that I've never even imagined. You ever heard of a swirly? Yeaah. Yeaah. Did you ever think that it could be involved during sex? Cause I didn't until I saw this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this man, you know, he's very rich, very wealthy, uh, he's had some troubles with the law in the past with some embezzling or some things like that. He had embezzling trouble? Yea, he had some money tax fraud and things like that, your typical white, white collar stuff, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was recently arrested Christina, uh, because he was having a ritual with two other people that involved the venom of a toad. And, uh, well, one man inhaled the venom of the toad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it murdered him. He died. So now, Nacho is being charged with manslaughter because he was the shaman of the ritual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not really, uh, one of these holistic types. I've never dabbled, I just smoke bowls. You know what I mean? Like, I've never really gone like, what, uh, you know, amphibian can I lick to get fucked up off of? So I don't really know how it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they did dry it and then inhale it, and I know it has like DMT properties and people do this all the time, and I don't know if Nacho is like, uh, this was maybe what he was gonna do in his retirement, become like a shaman for people to guide them through their trips or what have you, but uhm, in this case it went awry, I'm afraid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to hammer it home, and I'm not sure if it's, uh, because of all the previous white collar crimes that he got away with, or whatever, if they're trying to build a case against him.