[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The final mission's hard anyway. Yeaah, you get lots of bad guys. I haven't got that far. Me and Ben haven't got that far. We're sort of playing it much more slowly than you. You're sort of burning through it all on multiple hours of streaming every day. Yeaah. And you've overtaken us multiple times on multiple playthroughs. But no, it's such a great game, XCOM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tends to be what happens, that's what happened with chivalry, wasn't it? Chivalry was the standalone version of these guys who'd made a shit ton of mods before. That did pretty awesome. It's amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to shoot people from across the map. That's all with a sniper until they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, let's not talk too much about X-Club 2. So the Jingle Jam has begun, and this has consumed a huge amount of my time over the last couple of weeks trying to get all this stuff together in Terps 2. And it's pretty tough actually, there's a few things I wanted to run by you which are kind of a bit weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So obviously we're trying to, trying to like fill up the schedule, trying to do different streams from usual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we've got a list of games and it's tough to get people like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That developers to kind of give us their games, right? And one reason is because a lot of people just buy this shit up and sell it on G2A kind of thing. And so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think previously developers have been like, well, you know, I gave my games the Jingle Jam bundle and there's just like 20,000 copies of it on G2A now kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, which is kind of, kind of a problem in a way, but at the same time, you know, it's not really that much of a problem, is it? Cause you know, at the end of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You raised a whole load of money for charity and so, you know, that's just how it is. I don't know, but I can understand that, that point. And so a lot of people would be very reticent to give their games to Bundle this year. And also we've had this much...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's much more increased of free to play games. So like games that were not used, didn't used to be free to play are now free to play. And so how do they give stuff to the bundle? And in a way, like they can give stuff that's, that's, that's like a heroic pack or whatever, you know, of some special stuff that you get in the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is cool, um, but it's almost, it's almost like how do you make that not just like an advert, do you know what I mean? I'm beginning to worry that the Jiggle Cham is almost like a newspaper just stuffed full of ads. Yeah. Because it's like, cause it's like, you know, free to play game, free to play game. And so, so it's not necessarily clear what people are getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, from these things and, and they don't want to just be glorified sort of ads or anything, but at the same time I quite like a bit of, you know, good stuff, you know, if it's like, cost, if it cost you like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or any big company is never going to give us anything. I mean, we're talking about, about your indie games people. It's those people, those three man teams who are the people donating their games to the jingle jam. Really, mainly anyone who's of any size is not interested in, in, in taking part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my dream is that that will happen one day, uhm, one day in the distant future. It feels like we work really hard for Blizzard, we kind of do all sorts of things for them and they're very kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like, it's so disappointing because Terps is constantly doing stuff, working hard, going to Gamescom, doing the presenting, coming up with ideas, talking to everyone, doing stuff and like, they're constantly like, well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, well, uh, it's not good enough for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the jiggle jam bundle is great. Like there's a huge amount of generosity. We've got, you know, like 60 games or whatever. And it's like, you know, that in, in, in terms of like a good deal, you know, it's like hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of stuff for, you know, 35 bucks or whatever the price is now. And it's like, you know, it's like, it is definitely like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of, but you can't expect good games in it particularly. Uhm, like, or new games either, like, you know, it's tough for people, everyone has to make, you know, these guys have to make their money at Christmas as well, and I can understand that people wouldn't want to just give away their stuff for free, especially if they're still selling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully, I mean, what I really want to do is have more streams than we've got scheduled, because there's a lot of people who want to do stuff, you know, HatFilms want to do their music stream, Martin wants to do a day, and you know, if you're streaming in the evening, PFLAX or whatever, I hope that like, you'll be able to drop into the Rust server and do stuff parallel with the Jingle Jam, so that's something I haven't really talked about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, uh, because I've just, I've got so much planning to do before it launches tomorrow. I'm just like losing my shit. I haven't published a schedule yet. I haven't like finalized a whole bunch of crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, well, let's see whether that actually happens. But no, you've done it all. You've sorted it out. It's booked in. It's like, it's going to happen. I'm excited for it now. I'm not a very enthusiastic person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terx wants to get Legend in Hearthstone over December. He does. He decided that this is his year. And you might be the one to help him, Sip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it has to be moderately fast, because like, if you pick a deck which is Fatigue Mage or whatever, then you're gonna fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to be, like, going half an hour per game or else you'll never see it. Anyway, I don't know why we're giving tips to Terps from remotely. He'll have had all this already. Thank you everyone for listening to the podcast this week. We'll be back. There's a couple of mornings that we're all free, so we'll see if we can call some Christmassy podcasts for you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we can say it's Hearthstone related, can't we? Because it'll be out, the podcast will be out by then. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're not sponsored on this podcast. We don't have a sponsor. We very proudly like not having sponsors. We were thinking about something though. I wanted to get a jug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's a great thing for him to say, you know, but it just shows that not everyone is, even like these judges who have to take, try and take everything, a little bit of everything, be a little bit of an expert in everything, uhm, they're not gonna have perfect, you know, knowledge in every situation. They have to rely on other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I mean this guy, I was watching the episode cover website and this appeals judge wrote like this 91 page long thing and I was like, that is mental to me that like, I've never written anything, you know, even for my chemistry masters, the only thing I wrote over 6 months was about 30 pages, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, with those hot women, those weird hot American women, who want a prisoner, who want to be in the limelight, who want to be, you know, that criminal, that famous criminal's girlfriend coming in, giving him their judge to feel. Yeah, it's weird. It is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See this is one of those things that I always thought was going to make you not want to eat them, but actually is the opposite, right? Is it reassuring? I think we talked about this before, but it's reassuring that they're not made like in a much grosser way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not, they don't just, they don't just dump them out of the back of the, the thing, and they're a load of a workman, they're like, so, the, the, the potatoes arrive at the factory, and Dave,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it like a fucking chip? Like, not a chip, like a computer chip factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's so bad. Jeez. Oh, Jesus. Well, I mean, I love watching TV and I ended up watching a lot of TV yesterday because I made the mistake of thinking, do you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To play this one game and nothing else ever again. I'd say it was like, it was like a fucking, probably like 10 to 15 minutes of setting up a fucking Microsoft Xbox account, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then about, then I've, I've, I've had it on wifi, and the wifi for some reason was really fucking slow, so it took like, two hours to fucking patch the fucking Xbox, but when I plugged it in, I was like, Christ, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I had to go through and get an Xbox Live account, so I had to put all that in, I had to go like 20 minutes. And then I had to install the fucking game, which was 50 gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was having, uh, like I had every error code possible and finally like managed to get to like a login screen and it was like, it gave me some weird fucking error. It gave me like the weirdest error in the world and I was like, I'm fucking done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, still doable by, cause before robots completely take over, right? Right. There need to be certain jobs that humans could like do remotely. Like could you imagine if it was like an inside the factory type situation where the potatoes are going on conveyor belt and you have to pick out the mouldy ones, right? Would people, could you like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn that into like a, an iOS game, like secretly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you replaced it, if you like, you know like uhm, on those sci-fi movies you see where someone's had some feel to put through their eyes, okay, and they're living in like a shithole but actually they see it as like a beautiful hotel, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine that, but you put like a camera feed from like a factory you convey about with potatoes, and you make it into an iOS game with colourful things like pineapples and strawberries, and then you have to like click on all the strawberries, right? For example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would people, could you get people's productivity on games into actual doing stuff in a real life to actually be useful?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you reckon, like, when we were in Star Trek times, and people don't have to have jobs because everything's done by robots, people will still wanna do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like, I, we, we had this, so we had this, this week we had the Yoastcast, like, mental health, uhm, well we had the Yoastcast Summit, and as part of it, uhm, a guy from Mental Health Foundation came down to chat about us, and was talking, cause,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a lot of people in our sort of jobs struggle with like loneliness. It's like a big, it's like a common thing. You know, you don't, I mean you're in that dad garage. It's different actually as a creator who is uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is the thing, right? Like, you've gotta take time out for yourself. You know, one of the talks we had was the Mental Health Foundation telling us how to take out time for ourselves, and I feel like if you'd wasted the time for yourself watching that, it would have been directly counteracting the mental health benefits. So in fact, for you the benefit was to not watch the talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at the, uh, at the summit, I just wanted to talk about this a little bit because I thought it was something I'd be happy to speak. So we had, we had these like, we had a little creator summit where Terps talked about sort of state of the Yolks cast and then he talked about, um, the fourth floor guys who were kind of the guys in house who do our sort of brand deals and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slide one, peering is out, slide two, sips is out. Uh oh. Uh, then we had YouTube come down and do a chat about like their kind of internal things, and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, it's, no, it's difficult because YouTube's so big and massive and complex that, you know, different teams are doing different things and I think a lot of, there's a lot of misconceptions that go around and so, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the other dangers, right, other than loneliness, are hunger, anger, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're addressing your tiredness by having a nap in the evening. That sounded like a very balanced, like kind of- You got it all balanced out, yeah. I take care of myself. So the other things that like apparently you're supposed to do, there's still ten ways, okay? One is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, it's like, it's like, it's like totally a thing that you should, that feels good, right? It's like nice to, to, to do something for someone that is nice. So if you're lonely, fat, depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And run ads as well. Run ads. So it was my birthday this week, and I got loads of presents, and it was a really nice feeling, like a lot of people dropped me nice messages, gave me nice things, and I had, it was really, actually I wasn't expecting it, like, to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was great. It was, it was lovely and I had a great time. So caring for others, buying things for someone else, like, just, just be sensitive. It's a nice thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just, I mean, I'm stood up now, right? I do this podcast like standing up and it's like an excuse to, it's good, right? Makes me feel like I'm actually doing exercise when I'm actually just standing up. Where you're just standing up, yeah. Talk about your feelings. I'm doing that right now. Yeah, we do that. This is literally what we do on this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they're not gonna complain super bad when you just yammer away your feelings and thoughts and complaints and worries and anxieties. Just shift them off onto them instead. No, actually it does help because sometimes like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut up. So no, uh, it's actually got the, the way that he presented was he had a little paintbrush there, and I was like, God, that's, that makes me feel really awful, cause you know, I've been trying to like paint these little Warhammer models and I'm terrible, I've been trying to like do art at home and I really hate my, my stuff I make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm totally beating myself up about all that stuff, so I'm gonna have to find something I'm actually good at and do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That little list, that little, so I read a book called The Checklist Manifesto a while back which was basically just talking about how you should try and like keep lists of things and tick off as you make progress and like, you know, note, note, like, give yourself achievements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's good, right, to kind of keep these, these, this, and see stuff that you've done on the day. Because a lot of times you just, you do loads of stuff and you sort of forget that you've done loads of stuff. And so you kind of have to champion your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking, I was trying to find a nice, a good app for it, uhm, to like, course, like, well to try and organise myself, but also kind of give myself like, and there's a load of things, so if you know like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also I wanted to sort of maybe even like make that, that mental health sort of checklist into an app, right? So it's like, you can like say, today I did, I ate healthily, like almost like a checklist. It's like, these are the things I've done today that were positive, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, so yeah, that's just the chat out to if anyone is out there is, is, uh, that way inclined. So thanks to you for listening to Traveler's Podcast. We'll see you all next week! Bye! Alright, see you later! Goodbye!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everyone and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. The first one for Christmas. We're actually recording this. Day 6 of Jingle Jam. Woah. Just after the Civ stream happened and therefore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little bit hungover, but actually, I'm okay. I was well behaved, I was well behaved. Good. Uh, Sips P Flex, how you doing? Looking good, feeling awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's about 10 years it takes to grow a tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These fucking trees! That's true. I mean, the cheap plastic tree market, that must eat into its profits, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I will say, I've been, um, after the streams and after my stuff, I've been going home and watching Haunting of Hill House on Netflix, right? I've been watching it episode by episode and it's good. It's really good. It's really spooky though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's really, oh god, there's like, in like every scene there's like a horrible ghost face or something. It's terrifying, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not good with horror stuff anyway, but I'm totally getting a haunted vibe from your house with the deacarchus over the door, the dreamcatchers, you go in. I've just been playing a lot of Red Dead. I swear I put this Christmas tree away and there's like a horrible ghost face over your shoulders, you like picking up the bits off the floor. Also, what the fuck was this Christmas tree? A jack in the box? Come on, sips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it like barely fits in, it's like bent over and scratches the ceiling. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is exactly the thing, isn't it? It's like Christmas, like summer is just that little bit far away when it's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's future period's problem, you know, that's not current problem period's problem, current period's problem is, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a dog scratching one of our children to death. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what else you got, what else you got on the Christmas, Christmas planning? You bought any presents yet? Sips? You got any like, stuff sorted out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But on Reddit that's, am I the asshole. So it's like someone says like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every generation since has taken over the polite courtesy of thanking you in order to keep relations good. I think these days though, right? Back in the day, social media wasn't a thing. You didn't really sometimes know what some of your family members were doing. I mean, now you can just look at their Facebook or Twitter and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? It's all in your face, right? But now, but back then, you know, you know, you open their Christmas card and it was like, Dear Lewis, just popped down to Greg's and got myself a pasty. What a lovely Christmas day it is. Hope you're doing well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men never need this, this, this communication, right? Two men can have a year apart and they still consider each other best buds, you know, and just not say a thing. Man, it's so true. Whereas if a woman has to reply to a text in, you know, seven hours, they're like, oh my god, are we still friends?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's this, my husband keeps going up the loft, I keep hearing ho ho hoing from up there, and the sound of a whip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw you play Battle Brothers on stream. Oh my god. Fucking game. Fucking game. It's so hard. Why is it so ridiculously ball achingly hard? You get to a point where you just lose a battle and you're like, well I'm fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a one skull quest, you're like, go and clear out this fucking hut full of skeletons. You're like, no problem, you go there. It's like, oh, it's ghosts, I wonder what they do. Ah, oh my god, it's dead, what the fuck? Okay, I guess that six hour playthrough is over, I'll start again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, but it's a great, great game. Like, I think if you, I think people who play it a lot really get to know it, right? And they get, like, they recruit a load of shitty, like, beggars and stuff and throw them out to their death at the front row, you know? It's like, people play it in a really, like, different, I'm sure there's, like, different more interesting ways to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the point where it's like such a tiny upgrade that a random, statted new guy might already be better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it just the, is it just the people? Like, is it just the culture? Is it just like that whole thing? Cause we had BBC come down to do a little interview with us yesterday, right? On the Jingle Jam. Yeah, I know, I heard, yeah. Pam came down and she's lovely and she came down with her camera lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously they're a two man team, you know, they go out and they film local stories and stuff and bring them back. And then the news decides what's actually going to go on the news, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were very much like, they knew, they got excited because Bryony from the Great British Bake Off came down onto the Jingle Jam. And I think that was like the lead story. It wasn't necessarily that we were involved. It was that Bryony was doing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a local celebrity and she's helping out with a charity initiative. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, dude did it all. He did it all. He was a World War II vet as well. He bombed stuff, didn't he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let me just talk a little bit about, try to play the online. Me and Ben and Tom and Shin have played the online for about, oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they said they're going to make some economic changes, but at the end of the day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is what I saw on Reddit. It was like, the only way to make money in the game is to do fishing. And I'm like, yeah, fuck that. I mean, there was a lot of chat in the thread about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if it was totally reasonable. Uh, hi, does anyone know, anyone who needs a job, maybe in China, that I could pay minimum wage to, uh, work, do, play the game for me and raise some money? Because, you know, I, I really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Visually, like, things can affect your, like, impression of someone, even if you sort of know them, right? Because me and HatFilms went out to get, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Well, sorry about the Jaws guy. I mean, I mean, yeah, uhm, he was like Lurch, wasn't he, as well? Who am I thinking? Yeah, he might have been us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. Got those CDs hanging in my garden. I think we're going to have to cut this to a short because I've got a stream and we're actually going to be back next week live. Hopefully we'll try to get this one put out slightly earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright, well thank you. I hope you guys don't have any, uh, spooky nightmares about Santa being in your attic. I'm sure it'll be fine. Yeah. We'll see you all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good like character development, decent enough story you can fit into sort of 80 to 90 hours without it like waffling along too much sort of thing, sidetracking too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, but I've done a lot of, I've done a lot of side tracking, I've done a lot of secondary quests and like witcher contracts and stuff, which I've enjoyed. But I think like, I get the feeling that if you just stick to the main quest and you don't bother with a lot of the extra fluff, which you might be missing out on a couple of bits and pieces if you did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I could watch this for much longer than it'll probably go on for sort of thing, but I guess like anything, you know, if it goes on too long or if it overstays its welcome, then it can start to become a bit bad or whatever, you know what I mean? So it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The experience is definitely different, isn't it? Like you said, you don't read the story as much when you play with people, but the experience of playing through it with other people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whereas yeah, the single player experience, you are going to just be really invested in the story. It's, it's almost like it's two separate games, like single player and then co-op.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a lot of respect for Dota 2 commentators though. Like, you know, team fights, like you said, are pretty messy. It's hard to know what's going on at the best of times. Even if you play the game, they can be pretty chaotic and keeping track of all of the abilities that are going off, all the spells and synergies and everything. And these, and most of these guys,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would probably mention as well that I'm a good looking, probably. I think if you were to rate all three of us against each other, I would probably come out tops, like considering, you know, yeah, I would add that to the conversation. I would say that Sips guy. You're the good looking one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would move to censor those opinions immediately because they contradict my own opinions about how buff and good looking I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you think, you know, this guy's a pro. He's not, not a caster. He's not like, uh, you know, he's, he's not a panelist sort of thing. You know, like it'd be interesting to see what he has to say because sometimes, you know, these guys, they get up there, they're not used to like casting or being a panelist. They're not used to really being interviewed that much or whatever. You know, they, they play the game pretty hardcore and they're very good at the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if there's ever a situation where those pro players are like up on stage, in the booth, playing with each other, you know, playing their heroes, getting through a game, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't even know what she's doing, but she needs to join in. Like she has to do whatever he's doing, right? And often times like has to use the crayon that he's using at that time as well, which is kind of annoying because they fight about it and stuff. But so he'll be sitting there drawing something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the state puff marshmallow man or you know, these five nights at Freddy's characters or whatever. And he's got like all this lore behind them. He's talking about them. He likes to draw like pokemons and stuff as well. He started inventing his own pokemons, which is pretty cute too. Okay. So, you know, he's, he's sitting there doing that and he's like talking about what he's drawing and he's saying like, Oh, look at this and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my daughter's just trying to mimic everything that he's, he's doing. So she'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you're holding a pen and she's like, looking at you so that you tell her what to draw. So you're like, uhm, alright, well, draw a picture of a car. Okay. And then she just like does like a little mark on the page and looks up like for that approval and you're like, WOAH!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Don Draper turned up to my house, okay, rang the doorbell and was holding a portrait that he'd painted of my wife, I'd be like, Don, you better step the fuck off. You know, get out of here, okay? Don't let my wife see you, okay? You're a handsome man. And I don't want her to think that you're fucking artistic and in love with her and stuff either. Go away, please, Don Draper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, man, if it was like, you know, fucking Napoleon Dynamite's brother that turned up with the painting, I'd be like, whatever, you nerd. Like, get out of here, Todd. Get out of here. I'll fucking give her the painting and stuff. I wouldn't feel threatened at all in that case. Maybe that's just me, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my husband's doing the dishes and like fucking cooking the dinner and stuff and like, you know, I got a lot of respect for that. So I'm just going to bust this portrait over my knee and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to say for my three I would have, uh, halloumi, I would have like maybe some red pepper and then like some diced onions. Three. That would be fucking perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I put it into the trunk of the car and I was like, okay, you know, in a minute, like after I've like composed myself, I'm just going to take this down to the dump and put it like in the green waste or whatever. And then that, that's me done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I almost barfed. It was like full of fucking like spider webs and like, there was like these things moving around and like all the grass was like all wet and gross and stuff. And it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took it up there, and even as I was dumping it out, I was like almost barfing, like it was really fucking gross, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a dad out there and you're leaving your lawn for like three weeks, don't fucking leave the clippings lying around, okay? Dispose of those things immediately, otherwise, you're in for some trouble, like it's- Jesus Christ, you're a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worm infestation if you're not clear. I am, oh fuck me. So where I live, worms not so bad, but we get a lot of snails for some reason, like tons of snails. So like when I was mowing the lawn after like three weeks,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are just like these clumps of snails hiding in like the tall grass everywhere and stuff. Like every once in a while I go over a patch and I'd think like, Oh, it's going to be a smooth patch in here. Like it's like, Oh shit. I just killed like 50 snails. Like just like accidentally went, Oh, I couldn't see them. Right. But they're all hiding down like deep in the grass sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just looked like a battlefield after it was done, like all these like busted up snail shells and snail guts everywhere and oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the brighter color they are, the more dangerous they are. Like that's the nature's way of saying, like, don't fucking get in my grill because I'm poisonous or whatever. Jesus Christ. Like, you know, if they're like neon, neon blue or whatever, don't go near that frog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then all of a sudden he started making a lot of shit, and you're like, wow Johnny Depp's saying a lot of stuff, but it all looks terrible. It's because his spending was out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude was spending so much fucking money, you gotta read this article, I can't remember, I think it was in Vanity Fair. It's unbelievable how much money he spent and his lawyers and his advisors were like, you need to make like 50 million dollars a year from movies alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know a good buddy of mine, um, when he got his first job, the first thing he did when he got his initial paycheck was go out and buy like one of those big Ford, what is it, the F100s or something, it's like a huge pickup truck, like they were popular in America, I don't know if I've got the name of it right. It's like a huge fucking truck. And like a lot of people that buy brand new cars,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have the money to buy it, but they have enough money to get finance to buy one. So they go out and they end up paying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 50% more for the car than they should for a car that by the time they finish paying it off is gonna be worth about 200 bucks, right? So they're paying all this fucker money and for like 10 years his paycheck was basically getting owned by these payments for this fucking truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To their friends and to themselves, I have arrived and I am now a person who is not broke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, do you remember in, uh, in Boogie Nights when he buys that car with his first paycheck, uh, when, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark Wahlberg is like the porn star in that movie, right? Yeah, yeah. And he's like a young kid, he's never had any money. He gets this amazing, I don't know what it is, it's like one of those super muscle cars that they have in the states. He gets the car and, like fast forwards like six years or something in the story when he's just coked out of his mind and his career's on the rails and the car is like broken down piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's like, alright, word gets around, here's the thing, if word gets around Hollywood, you have shitloads of money you're spending, and people are like, wow, Johnny Depp's hot. But the moment word gets out that you're in trouble financially, your value as a star drops like a fucking stone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ludicrous wealth, but the moment you run into trouble, it's like a fine line man, the moment you run into trouble, people drop you like a fucking rock, no one wants to be near death. I remember like when I- They work with drug addicts before they work with broke people, I tell you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always arrange all your direct debits for like two or three days after you get paid. Yeah, yeah. And then you see it come in, and then you see it go out, and you go like, okay, we gotta make this much money last four weeks. When me and Mrs. F first moved up to London, it was really like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like our money would come in on about the same day, and we'd see it all go streaming out over the next two or three days. You're like, right, we got 250 quid to last us three and a half weeks. How are we gonna do this? And we were like selling shit. Okay, we need this guitar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, his accountants are begging him. No, they're begging him, please stop spending money. And they've gone to him and like the thing is he's got several people in his ear, he's got his financial advisors and people saying, Johnny, for the love of God, stop buying houses and boats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the upkeep on these fucking things is killing you and you're losing millions every month just maintaining all the shit you spent millions on in the first place. Is it like bad investments?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then once you start doing the jobs because you need the work, I think a lot of Hollywood people are like, fuck you, we're gonna give it to Nicolas Cage. He doesn't need the work, he's a, he's a benevolent actor who does only projects that he knows have high artistic value. Pro bono. And then Nicolas Cage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there are many, uh, I don't think there are many kids these days, uh, like, you know, teenagers or people who are at university who can do it without having a job. I know a lot of students that don't have jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean there was some when I was at university that had jobs. So I was on like a half grant. It was the last year that they did grants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had nothing, like no money, not a penny to my name, I was on job seekers, and I didn't have a job for like several months after I finished university. Because I was still living in Bournemouth, and oddly enough there were no programming jobs in Bournemouth. Uhm, there were very few at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is, but that nowadays, I think it's even worse, because you're massively in debt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you come out of university now. Cost of living is very high. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but tuition fees are insane. Alright, you take a loan for them, but you've now got, you start life with that huge debt. And here's an article I read the other week. Do you know how much consumer debt there is in Britain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you how. They look at the amount of credit card debt in the UK, and they look at- I mean, I don't think they consider mortgages as consumer debt. Because that's not stuff that people are borrowing money just to buy shit. I mean, there's no way that the value of mortgages-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Payday loans, yea, all that stuff, anything on higher purchase, credit card debt, bank loans, for stuff like that. I mean, people borrow money to go on fucking holiday, like that's how much people want stuff. I can't imagine, dude, I could never do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's mainly around the home counties. Really? Uh, yeah. So London is actually very, very good for debt. Like we're not massively in debt. And I think the reason for that is if you can afford to live in London,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a red hill, that postcode, so between London and Brighton, very bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and sort of if you look around, around London, it's all terrible. People in massive consumer debt. Wow. People in London, not so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just outside Liverpool and Manchester, just to the south of there. Very, very, very bad consuming there. So if you go, if you go, like, north...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, there was a TV show, there was a TV show a few years back about people who've run up massive debts and then these guys go in, these like financial experts go in and examine


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How they're spending money and what they're doing and stuff. And these guys would run up these huge deaths. This was sort of this idea that people had. You know the way in the post you're always getting these things about credit cards and you've got one and all you have to do is sign this form. So they just sign all these forms and get all these credit cards and they feel like they're rich and they've got all this money and they live these lifestyles they can't sustain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And their plan in a lot of the cases is, when I run out of money, I'll just declare bankruptcy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A certain amount. Eventually they'll just write the data off and say this guy's a no-hopper. He obviously got a 2-2 like Pirian Flax at university. And he's never gonna amount to shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They know the same thing I know, which is I did fuck all at university, and I probably didn't even deserve that. That's all I'm saying out there, 2-2 havers. Let's be honest with ourselves, I'm in the same boat. I got a 2-2, and I know I did fuck all, and I saw the amount of work the guys who got firsts put in, and I was like, fuck those nerds, I'm going down the pub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk about it. I thought I talked about the first time I had supraventricular tachycardia. I don't remember you ever telling me about the supraventricular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what it is, is uhm, sometimes the rhythm of your heart gets disrupted. There can be different triggers for different people. So, I remember when I was much younger, I was a very sickly child, I had like, whooping cough and I had uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mumps, and I had terrible tonsillitis, I had all kinds of awful things. And eventually they took my tonsils out and made things a lot better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when I was sick, the doctor was listening to my heart and said, you've got like a slight arrhythmia to your heartbeat, so you've probably got an extra bit on your heart, like a little, little extra sort of head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I mean, I do get it occasionally, I'll feel like a weird flutter and then it's gone. But occasionally you get the flutter and instead of kicking back into normal, it fucks up and it just goes, alright fuck it, we're just going ham now. And like 200 beats a minute, which is crazy fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your blood pressure drops so fast that the veins on your arm will disappear because your blood pressure is so low. You think it would be high because your heart is pumping, but it's barely pumping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the middle of the street, and he has to undo my shirt, and he's put all the pads of me, he's shaving my chest right there, the kids are like terrified. And he's like, yeah, that's real fast, let's get you to the hospital. So he calls an ambulance, they take me in and all the rest of it. Uhm, and so this time what happened was, I called 111.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The airways, right? You know, it's like that, but instead of sort of, you just sort of tense up like taking a big shit at the same time. And what that does is compresses...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're trying this other maneuver called the Advanced Valsalva Technique, where they give you a syringe, and you blow into it like you're trying to push the stopper out, and then they tip you backwards, like in the movie, uh, what's it called? Inception. You know when they dunk them in the water? Yeah, someone needs to kick you off a chair. Yeah, it's like a kick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kick me in! Give me the kick! It's like that. But so they tip you backwards onto your back and push your legs and that'll do it as well sometimes. Didn't work. So, they called an ambulance and I go in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have to give you the adenosine. You've had it before. I was like, yeah. She goes, so you're familiar with the effects. I was like, yes. And she said, because I'm interested. Is it really like that? Like when the doctor is curious about the injection they're giving you, you know it's a serious injection, right? So adenosine basically


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It kind of fucks your heart up and knocks it back into its normal rhythm. So if it's racing, they give you adenosine and it sort of just almost paralyzes the heart just for long enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was me and the doctor, and his, and like another doctor who was just obssesting and observing. Cause they'd never done this before. Like none of these doctors had done an adenosine injection before. And other doctors came to watch. There were like four or five other doctors watching, cause they wanted to see what it was like to give someone an adenosine injection. So I was like, what the fuck is going on here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're all watching, and they're like curious to see, and you're watching the EKG like ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, and as soon as the adenosine hits your heart, it's like boop.


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[Assistant] And then it's like ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, back to normal. But when you get hit with it, you feel like there's all terrible, awful nightmares closing in on you, and you literally feel impending doom for a brief moment. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] And then suddenly you're fine. It's such a weird feeling. Fuck. Holy shit. And so that was my Sunday night.


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[Assistant] So I had to sit there for like three hours just waiting, with the sounds of the hospital all around me. Whereas the PB doctor was like high-fiving me and woohoo and running out, and I could just leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what? I was talking to the nurse there, and I said to her,


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[Assistant] There was a battle, the great battle of the NHS and you had the NHS's on one side and the hateful cunts on the other side. I would fight for the NHS's and I would proudly die raising our battle banner which would be a picture of a nice nurse smiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather have a little financial waste or people dying? I think that's the choice you have to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there are limits. We can't give every person in Britain a personal doctor. Like, we get that. You know, we get it. Not everybody's gonna have a doctor following them around at all times, 24 hours a day, just in case you get sick. That would be awesome, but we couldn't afford it. It's too expensive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A million units. Whatever that is. So I sort of thought, I'll trim back on the booze. You know, I'll go like dry for a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, I'm going to stop drinking during the week, because I'll always have a couple of beers in the evening. You know me, I'll have a few beers in the evening. So, I thought, why, I don't need to drink on a fucking Wednesday, after, sort of afternoon. I don't need to start at 6 o'clock on a Wednesday and have a couple of beers. There's no need for it. It's a waste of money and it's not good for me. So, I was cutting back on the drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was gonna go away this weekend to Valencia with my mates for a big old sesh and the doctor said, that's not happening. And she said, you definitely shouldn't do that. Your heart is still recovering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The air pressure won't be good for you going up in a plane. What if you have another attack on the plane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, uhm, having that slight buzz you get.


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[Assistant] We just sort of picked Spain because it's cheap and it's right there and we thought the weather would be nice. It's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't fancy Amsterdam, I don't know why. I think it's probably a bit too similar to what you could get here. I guess. I think Spain we felt would be kind of different and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would love, I mean, this, when we go to, to, to, uhm, Sicily, we've got like a nice house with a pool, and it's like, there's the beach nearby and everything, it's like, it's lovely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the lads would never go for that. They'd be like, nah mate, let's just go for a really shit fucking hotel. So we went for this awful sort of like really, really cheap fucking hotel. Cheapest flights possible. It's just cheap hotels in Spain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know dude, I went, I went to a very, very, very bad quote unquote hotel in France.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This hotel, I'm not kidding, this building looked like it could have been the set for a movie in the 1930s. It had that kind of decor. And I can imagine in its day it was quite a nice building. It had been left to rack and ruin. Like when we got there I was like, this can't be the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, this is the address. So the outside of it was just peeling, crumbling wood, and there's like a shabby looking door. When you open the door,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. What they had was a porter cabin like you'd have on a building site bolted into the corner of the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the water trickled out and went down that drain. That was your toilet. The bed was the lumpiest thing. It was literally like a prison architect prison. It was horrible. The bed was lumpy. Everything was filthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I just think a lot of people are very selfish. She's like, I'm trying to beat my PB here. I can't be running to the toilet, or say, taking a shit. More like a poobie. Yeah, a poobie, woo! Nice one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, she, she does the, you know when a dog just drags its arse along the crack? Are you fucking serious? No, no, I'm just picking it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. There's an old saying that goes, life's a bitch and then you die. Yep. That's why we get high. Cause you never know when you're gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's an ancient proverb. It is.


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[Assistant] That's exactly it, yeah, so. From the ancient ones. Yeah, I think my brain pretty much like every second of every day at some level is thinking, holy crap.


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[Assistant] Morton's is, it's not, it's like I like going because like the people that I'm with always like really want to go and stuff and it's, it's, it's fun. Like the food like is, you know, what I can eat there is, is really nice and like all the steaks and stuff look pretty good and stuff too. But like, I'm surprised every time I'm in America, like just how much


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, according to her Twitter profile, she's a crazy feminist, award winning writer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it have, does it have like decking stain on it so that it doesn't go fucking grey and shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they are racist, actually, yea. Why are you calling it a bush tit? I don't know, it sounds funny, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to walk to school with like a couple of friends and my alarm clock was literally the doorbell when my friends would turn up and be like, hey, you ready? Uhm, yeah, just give me like one minute and I would just like quickly get dressed and like grab my stuff and brush my teeth on the way to school and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my mom would wake me up and I'd be ready to go and stuff, but yea, like when I was older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think school's weird though, because I think school's really important when you're, when you're really, really young, but it's less important, I think, when you, when you hit, like, around sort of like 10 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when, when you're like, when you're between the ages of like 10 and say 16, I don't think school is like at all important at that point. Like I think it's just because there's nowhere else for you to be. So you like have to go to school so somebody can keep an eye on you sort of thing. But like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like, I'm pretty sure from the age of 10 to 16, like, I didn't learn shit at school, like, I didn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they teach you how to learn and how to be resourceful and how to find stuff out and stuff. I get that. But I think that like, really it's just kind of like, I'm not saying that like a 10 to 16 year old needs a babysitter, but it is just kind of glorified babysitting, isn't it? Because it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where else is a 10 to 16 year old person gonna go on a daily basis all day? Like they can't really go to a job. Uhm, so like, you know, and you don't want them just hanging out at the mall all day either, cause that's kinda weird. So like, you might as well go to school and socialize with people and do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, like a lot of parents work and stuff and they'd worry about you if you were just home all day in your room playing. Like, you know, you probably wouldn't really feed or water yourself and then they'd come home and they'd have like a 10 year old who died of like a heart attack because he doesn't sleep or eat or anything sort of thing. And that's why school exists, is the TLD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like some victorian. Bearing in mind this is the fucking 80s, not the 1920s. That fucking England in a nutshell for you. What the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well shit, I don't remember ever being cold when I was a kid and I grew up in a fucking country and in a region of the world where it was like minus 40 for six months of the year and I was never cold. So what the fuck England, get your shit together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, like, childhood was like, was like fucking Fargo, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the morning, we'd have to walk to schools, like a 15 minute walk, and if it was winter, you'd just have to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not even joking, like, there would be little balls of ice at the end of each and every one of my eyelashes, like it was that cold. And uhm, and then you turn up and, you know, it was just like the, just the usual, like your teacher would be like, cold out, eh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all built up like off the back of that. It was just a really shitty experience and I'm glad I don't have to ever do it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, listen to this masterstroke, my fellows. When, uh, when, when my son, when, when, when my wife was pregnant with the baby, okay, uh, my son had like this like sort of novelty toddler bed, you know, it was really low to the ground and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really shitty mattress, uh, you know, you could like take it apart and put it back together again. It was shaped like a car and stuff. And that was cool. He liked it sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but like, he, he got too big for it and it was uncomfortable. And we found same thing as, as, uh, as your kid's flax. He was just like in our bed every night pretty much. Yeah. And we couldn't figure out why. We thought he was having bad dreams or something like that. And then it turns out that actually his bed was just really uncomfortable and he didn't really like it that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're like, alright, fuck it, we're not gonna just get him another like, you know, novelty bed or whatever. Let's get him like a full...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Size single bed, you know, like a proper single bed with like a, you know, like with a box frame and like a good mattress and everything. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had it all planned out and I'm telling you, it's been fucking great because every once in a while, like when shit kicks off in the middle of the night and then you find that your bed is filled with children or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My daughter's doing this thing now where she like every morning she wakes me up, but she like, it's like, it's like she's like, like, like making offerings or something. So like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sort of like half being woken up and not paying attention because I'm still asleep and then she'll, she'll like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the other day she was like stroking my eyebrows. Okay. And that woke me up and I woke up and I was just surrounded by toys. Like she just put toys all around me, like on my bed. I didn't know what was going on, but then, you know, there was like toys everywhere. I had like a, like a miniature. I had a miniature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thomas the Tank Engine toy, like, lodged in my ass crack, like I rolled over onto it and I didn't realize. Like, that's how surrounded by toys I was. Yeah, is that what you told them at the hospital as well? Yeah, yeah, so I guess it wasn't a sex thing, I promise. I don't have a thing for Gordon the Blue Engine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't, it wasn't that elaborate, but there was quite a few toys piled up on my bed and then she can't climb up the bed, she's still too small to climb up on top of the bed, so she'll just sit at the side of the bed if she wants to come up and go up, up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so then I lift her up onto the bed and then she like instantly laughs and climbs off the bed, runs around to the side again and goes up, up like she thinks like that's fun, just being picked up onto the bed just so she can jump off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, like, I guess it's like maybe like one of those like urban myths or something that if you put a guy's hand in water, he'll piss his pants. But like we never got anyone to piss their pants like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I figured. I mean, we definitely tried like a dozen times or so and it didn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, wasn't Yuri Geller on like Celebrity Big Brother one year and he was just fucking weird and creepy as you'd expect him to be? He is weird and creepy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but the thing is, those shows are pretty entertaining. Like, we went to, we saw one in Vegas, and like, you could spend hours trying to figure out, like, how he does it or whatever, but the actual show itself was pretty funny. Like, it was interesting and stuff, and I think it's worth it on that basis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, imagine, imagine you're like following them around and they're just like going about their business like old couple, they're really innocent and stuff and you're like, I'm just going to see like, I'm just going to eavesdrop a little bit and see like if I can pick up on whether or not they're plants or whatever and like, you know, he's, he's, he's like walking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Down looking at some slot machines with his wife and his wife is like, you know, really just soaking up the glitz of Vegas and everything and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get into range and you're, you're, you're doing your eavesdrop and all of a sudden he's just like, hey, so uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yeah, I could do it for a sec. Hey, you wanna try some anal later, maybe? Like, just for once? Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, they love it. I think Duncan's, Duncan's definitely the luckiest though for, for seeing that. Like he definitely gets off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always skeptical when I hear this stuff though, because I think, I think a lot of people use this sort of stuff to appear to be more interesting than they actually are. Cause like, I think if you're just sort of like a boring average person,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're probably that way in the bedroom as well. More times than not sort of thing. Like I think, yeaah, there's probably a couple of people who are shoving pigeons up their ass or whatever and that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, like who are you trying to kid here? You're like, you're fucking 40 years old, you're like a boring ass mom, who, nobody cares anyway, and you're not even doing that. You're, you're, you're just lying to like, appear to be somewhat interesting when you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, maybe, I mean maybe it's true, maybe it's true and it's just something that you didn't want to know about somebody or whatever, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why are you exposing your genitals to uhm, to like handheld devices? That's not something that's even remotely sensible to do. Like it's gonna come back and bite you in the ass at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if that became the new, like, health craze? Like, you can lose calories by watching, uh, porn. Like, uh, copious amounts of porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one is also, uhm, like adult entertainment industry related as most of my business ideas are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this one, check this out guys. It's, it's, it's fucking, it's a good one. I think like if somebody did this, they could maybe make some money or maybe it exists out there and I haven't seen it or whatever. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's like a website. My wife goes to this website all the time. It's called, uh, Asos. It's like as seen on stars. So it's clothing that's sold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so my wife like uses it, she buys like a bunch of stuff or whatever and like, I'm sure like fucking millions of women out there in the world do the same. Uhm, so my idea is, instead of as seen on stars, we call the website as seen on stars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, we're talking like, we're talking like stuff, yea. Like, I don't think Coke would be up for that kind of advertising, but like, I'm saying, uh, you know, maybe like Turbo Dildo 5 million would be up for like, you know, doing like a promotional spot where like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You test out the product on a willing man or woman in the video and then it helps sell them through the website sort of thing. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that people out there are obsessed with porn and they would watch this stuff anyway and then maybe they'd be tempted to buy stuff. You'd have to like deliver the stuff in like non-descript packaging and stuff though, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh father, I couldn't sleep a wink with that pee under the mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel it down, you know, how about you stick one of these up your ass and that'll really brighten up your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, did you use these toothbrushes? No, no, I just use a regular old toothbrush. Oh, have you ever considered, it's like, this, this toothbrush? It's like, not really. It's like, well, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello everybody and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast with me, Lewis, Sips. Hi. And Perian Flax. Hey. How are you guys doing today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time you needed to get the Amazon parcel, you know, it was, he had a man to do it for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's happening? I'm the only person I know who's who, uh, you guys are the only people I know who are into football. This is madness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the World Cup kind of, it's really an interesting thing to talk about with football, because for me, like, that's almost, again, in the same bracket of things that I don't do, like, kind of anymore. I've kind of grown beyond it, and I kind of look on it with a little bit of disdain now, I guess? Like, I see people doing it, but I don't like the kind of people who do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But these things are all very intrinsically linked to like, I mean, as a kid growing up in England, I had one of those, you know, sticker books. I had like a Premier League sticker book, you know, you collect the stickers when you were a kid. It was a thing, you know, my dad took me to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tv vcr combo in the spare room and I would sometimes in the summer I'd sit in there and watch


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, some fucking completely like Tunisia versus Iran or some, some game that was just the smallest, you know, it was just garbage football because, I dunno, I, I, I, over time I've come to sort of, sort of, it's part of osmosis, you just sort of pick it up, it's just the news, it's what people are talking about, it's, it's a very,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] England always get very invested in the World Cup. You can't avoid it. You hear about Harry Kane and oh, he's leading England now and oh, we've got a chance to, you know, on all this bollocks and it's like, you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get away from it, and I don't mind it, but I guess like, I always feel slightly threatened by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy who created them, Art Spiegelman. Right. Do you remember him? He did Mouse, which is that really famous uhm, one of the most critically acclaimed comics of all time. But he was like- He's Cabbage Patch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's like they have to kind of figure out how far they can push it. They're like that with their parents too though, you were with your teachers and parents, so kind of, it's the process of kind of just seeing how far you can go, because they don't really necessarily have kind of moral compass


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these people in your Facebook fucking World Cup pool thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I guess, like, smoke shoes were quite a boy's toy, right? They were quite, there were a lot of cars and stuff, right? And that's not a conventional girl you think to have, is it? It's a big collection. But I don't think it's not, like, not cool. It was impressive. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're interested in it and you want to watch football with your kid and he makes you excited and you go to these things and you bond and it's kind of this thing that brings you closer together, it's this positive aspect in both of your lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's my, my feeling on that though. Like honestly, it's not like it's an astronaut. It's not like you're saying, oh, I really want to be an astronaut, but how am I ever going to get the opportunity? It's not like you can go into your garage and build a space suit and build, put your own spaceship together and go into space. If you want to be a streamer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to do it, do it. And then if it doesn't work out, don't fucking, you know, don't fucking quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Like, you've got plenty of hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, that's an easy, that's an easy choice if your hobby is making more than your job. But if it isn't, then come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to scatter stuff around the floor of your, uh, your room so you can bend over and pick it up with your, you know, tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These balls are the exact same as the ones that I have, I'm using at the moment to paint my little miniatures with. I've got these little paints that rip off of uhm, because the gaze workshop ones are really expensive and shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is what I've been doing when you guys have been watching the World Cup and doing dad stuff and being all cool and hanging out in the pool and doing the pools and the football. I've been watching like RuPaul's Drag Race on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, this is old. Well, so Making the Murderer came out years ago, right? No, no, the staircase came out, the staircase came out years ago. Oh, yeah, but this had new episodes come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never, even Riot the sort of, you can kind of, you have to make your own decision a little bit like all these real crime podcasts, you just don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's it. I'm not really. Some people I've been speaking to are a bit uncomfortable, but I'm actually quite like it. I'm kind of quite used to that sort of noisy, bantery, drunk people. It's kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a narrative trick to keep people interested in a sense, because often I found this like, so when I watch certain shows or when I was reading Game of Thrones, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why we can win. We can do that boring football. Haven't the footballers played the entire season of football and leagues and stuff and now they have to like do this? What's that all about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did somebody do the catchphrase for battleship? Like, you sunk my battleship! Did that come up? I was praying for it, but it didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I enjoyed it. I quite enjoyed it. I mean, I saw what he was doing, and I just went along, I just watched it for the spectacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a huge fan of Trump. I, I, I shook his hand, man, it was cool. He was, he looked like he was, he was in the same position as you, Sips. Like, he didn't really like it, but he was sat there because he didn't really have anywhere else better to go. And it was, it was like watching the fireworks display. Like after five minutes, it's just boring. But you're kind of, you're kind of there. What are you talking about? Were you bored of fireworks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about your own fireworks display that you run in your own house, you think it's gonna be great, it's like a weird Al Jankovic sketch, you think it's gonna be great, you're like, get over there, you're flipping, set your fireworks off, and after a few you're like, oh, I've still got like 20 fireworks to set off and I'm kind of bored of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the only time it's good is if it gets dangerous, right? If someone starts shooting fireworks out of their ass, or out of like a cannon strapped to their arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you rather be like a super badass pirate with a mega scar running all the way across your nose, like up one eye, you know, kind of thing, but not losing the eye, you know, just having the scar there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you there are weird old people who would love to be adopted by, um, young mum. I'm sure there's old creepy old guys that would love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gee whiz. Why do celebrities always feel the need to give their kids crazy names? Cause it wasn't David Bowie's son called, um, Zoe Bowie, but then he changed his name to Duncan Jones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over the weekend I went down to Brighton, uhm, which I've never been to before. It's quite a nice little town on the south coast. It was a really sunny day, uhm, went on the beach, paddled in the sea, went down the pier, played on the old 2P machines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well my Nan used to take me to the arcades, cause she used to live in Clacton on sea, so when we were kids, you know, we'd get dropped off at Nan's and she'd walk us down to the front and we'd, um, so it brought back a lot of old memories really of like, you know, hanging out with my Nan and so she'd give us, you know, a pound coin and we'd get 52 peas and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it's like a lot of entertainment. You don't get that much for a pound. You know, it's, it's hard to find, you know, an hour's entertainment for a pound these days, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it's very rickety. So the roller coaster ride on the end is uhm, there's like three to choose from. One of them is just like spins you around like, it's like the vomit-o-matic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, one of them is like a log flume, and I didn't really feel like I wanted to like have wet pants all day, so I was like, meh. And the other one is like a rollercoaster, but it looks rickety and dangerous, as all pier-based rollercoasters should be, okay? Only the best rollercoasters look like you're gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, when you go on them, you know, that's like, it's like the fun fair roller coaster. It looks unsafe, probably is unsafe, and that's part of the fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went on that thing and, uh, man, it was, it was, it was, uhm. Do you know what though, right? I've been on a bunch of roller coasters in my time. We went to, uhm, Universal Studios and Disney when we were out in LA last, like, year or so ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, went on a bunch of the roller coasters there. And they were okay, right? They were quite chill. But a lot of them were kind of VR experience roller coasters, which I'm not a fan of, honestly. Like, if I want to go on a roller coaster, I don't want to sit there and imagine I'm in some sort of fucking video game that bumps me around. Are you talking about the Simpsons one? Well, not only the Simpsons one, but it felt like, it felt like all of the newer roller coasters, like the Harry Potter ones. Oh, the Transformer one was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, physical environment. I might as well just be doing this in my living room. They're pretty fucking fun though. Do you know what I mean? They're okay. They're okay, but I always feel a bit motion sick. Anyway, this one, right, it felt like, I don't know whether it was just my seat, but I felt like the protective thing, bars that come down, were like super, super loose. Right. Okay. And uhm, so every time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would like bump around a corner or do it, do it like a sharp turn or whatever. It was felt like my spine was like, like being like chiropractor was just like snapping it. And so I think I feel a lot better. I feel a lot looser in my, no I'm not. It was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank god I've been doing a bit of, I basically came out of that rollercoaster, so I was like, holy shit. Thank god I'm like not super, super unfit now, because otherwise I would have like injured myself. I felt like, I felt like I'd fucking injured the ringer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if I was really fat I wouldn't have had the problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People have been losing their mind about me thinking I'm some sort of socially awkward autist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I, I don't think it's like that, okay. It's just, I'm not, look, it's not as bad as, as you guys make it out to be. We, we, we, it's fine, it's a normal thing, it's fun, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, you know, maybe I should do, like maybe I should do some uhm, some of that, genealogy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's never gonna tell you something good, is it? It's never gonna say, well, your genes are fantastic, it looks like you're gonna live for a hundred years. It's not, it's gonna be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still think it would be interesting if, you know, both of your great grandfathers lived in the same town, because there's a chance that they might have crossed paths, you know? There's a chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same way as like, they didn't think he was good either, but it was fun. It wasn't like, it was like a nostalgia trip for them as well. Like they were the same way as you. I think he wasn't, you know, he's very aware of this as well. You know, a lot of people say, oh, you know, the Oscars isn't what it used to be, they've changed, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's partly, we've changed, sure, definitely, but you've changed too. Our audience has changed and grown older, and their preferences have changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when you liked Weird Al, 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like heaven. Do you have a back garden? P-Flex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like your storefront is open. Yeah, exactly. You can just sell some, you know, beans that you've made a drone in your garden or whatever. Magic beans. Magic beans, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Canada, it was all contactless and, um, and putting your pin in. And I, I didn't take a single Canadian dollar when I went to Canada and I paid for everything and on my one card and I never got it, had a problem anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get rid of contentless. Let's take the first step to shutting it down. Uhm, I think that's all we've got time for today. We've got Bodega though, I think. Yeah, this is, this is the first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pooh is in Bristol, so if people have noticed the audio difference, that's fine. We did, we've done the poker stream this week. Ah, we can talk about all this stuff next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So period wrote this last night and this morning on the computer upstairs. They had to print it out. So it's the first hard copy. It is. Of a Bottega.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did notice, I did notice a little Freudian slip in the middle. What was it? Okay. Well, because you, you, you say that you're not bodega, okay? Right, right. You're not bodega, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You call bodega baldega? No, that was a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not bald, but hey, let's- No, bold as in he's bold, he's- He's b- He's bold. Yes, he's not bald. Baldegger. That's what we're going with, not baldegger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome back everybody to the Triforce Podcast with me, Lewis, Sips, and Pirianflax. Yay! Coming to you live and uncut and only slightly censored from Bristol, Jersey, and Twickenham. Ah, Twickenham. Exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What an event. I went to Japan. It was pretty amazing. Yeah. Uhm, it was pretty interesting. Top 3 memories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, yeaah, I did all of that. Plastic food, wow. I mean... It's weird, isn't it? Top 3 memories. I ate a thing called honey toast, which I don't think is even Japanese. I think I ate it at like this Balinese place. Is that honey on toast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's half a loaf of bread. Right. Literally imagine a normal sized family loaf of bread, okay? Right. Uncut, just, just, well cut in half, I guess. Right. And then... Unsliced, you mean? Is it just like a big chunk of bread?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Not uncircumcised. Fully got the crust on it and everything. And then just put some ice cream on the top of that motherfucker. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, like the place I had it had a mascot, right? As everything in Japan has, it's like everything's cute. Everything's got either a little cute animal representing it or something or a little anthropomorphized piece of bread. Or a schoolgirl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and the taste is totally a secondary thing, often. You know? Sometimes in the UK, you know, you'll order something and you'll think it's gonna look like, you know, nice and it just comes in this big mess and you're like, oh jeez, but actually it's tasting really good, it's seasoned really balanced, it's really nice. A lot of the Japanese food I ate was actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be adventurous. I don't want to try anything Japanese. You can just fucking eat a subway salad and it was exactly the same. Or you can go to Starbucks and order a fucking exactly the same drink. Like, unbelievably identical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walking down the street and there's like a body shop there and you're like, oh, I'm out of banana shampoo. I'll just buy it from the identical store with the exact formula. It's like a body shop next to a Lush next to a fucking Pret-a-Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have to actually pay almost like, it's like sitting down at a poker table. You have to pay to be there, right? Right. And then you have to pay for food and drinks and then you have to pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're literally buildings filled with like tentacle porn and stuff. It is. And anime body pillows and gachapon with used underpants in them and all that shit. I saw all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't necessarily taint the holiday in a way because I'm glad I went there on the last day rather than on the first day. Yeah. Uhm, because Japan did not feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that. It didn't feel ingenuine though, right? It felt genuine. Like, we went to this thing early on which was like the robot restaurant, okay? And basically it's kind of this thing, it's like a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to pay to take a picture with them and stuff? Oh man. No, so the idea, it's like kind of like a show written by white tourists of the idea of what tourists think Japan is, right? So the only people there were tourists. Yeah. And it was basically a load of these massive really cool laser


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was incredibly kind of fake Japan, right? With all the shops that sell samurai swords and fans and crap and teapots and all the crap that you go by. You walk through so much tourist...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, we did, totally, yeaah. And all of these things that you said I would see were exactly there, Sips. It was like, it was like you prepared me completely for this trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went, I did anything, everything, and some of it was, some of it I have really odd sort of things to say about it in a way. Like, you know, the arcades for example, like we went into this, uhm, into this arcade and the first three stories of the arcades, this Sega building, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is every sense, okay? It is your ears, your eyes, and also the smell, like, cause these things used to be full of people smoking, right? Back in the day. And even now, they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely stink of smoke and just filth and years of sweat and gross people spilling beer. People just fucking grinding away on these ball machines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was like walking into a bus station where all of the buses were parked in there, just revving their engines, you know, filling the fucking place up. That's what it was like walking into these places. And actually there's no smoking in them anymore, but because I think they had so many years of smoking in them, they are just unbelievably hard to scrub that stench out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I felt like I had to challenge myself to do this stuff, but I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was fucking suffocating. I mean, I was climbing up the Sega building, and obviously the first three stories are like these prize machines, right, the grabber arm machines, but they're all not like what you see on a Clacton or, you know, Brian Peer. It's all kind of very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you have to kind of try and complete the grab machine, but the grab machine only has one, one box in it, right? One box on this, this, this kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's how it works, that's the loophole, that's how they get around it. And if you don't want to buy, if you don't want to go into the prize parlour and gamble and get their limited edition figure, they are for sale at the building next door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so yeaah, the Skytree, I went up that, that was like, it was, it's massive. Uhm, it's the tallest tower in the world, and the second tallest structure in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, after the one in Dubai, uhm, the Burj Khalifa. And it, you literally, it's like looking out of an airplane window when you're up the top of it. Nice. Uhm, it's, it was, so yea, it wouldn't have been finished when you went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy fucking shit. Well, this is the second thing, right? The first thing that's memorable about Japan is the honey toast. The second thing that's memorable is the toilets, right? I went, I was in the shopping mall, uhm, and I went into the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many different kinds of fucking headphones can there possibly be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, squint at him and he sort of nods and you sort of go in there and then after you finish he goes in there with that hosepipe and like hoses you down. No, that's almost like what it feels like, right? It's really fucking old school as fuck. And then you go into like a random fucking place and they've got the most high tech toilet you've ever fucking seen in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it fucking... So what, this one toilet, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, it was painted to look like a, uh, like a, an orca or like a whale. And as it opened, like, it made like a squeaking noise that was like, just the toilet seat was lifting up because it was a little bit old. Right. But it sounded like, eh, like an orca making a noise. Almost like saying, piss in my mouth. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uncomfortable taking a shit in the mouth of this like fucking orca whale basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then afterwards, it's got this massive control panel, right? And one of them is, you know, it's basically B day functions. First of all, the toilet seat was warm as well. The toilet seat was actually warm. So I thought,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That someone had been in there previously, I mean sat there. So I'm sat there, really uncomfortable, taking a shit in a mouth of an animal, basically, which I'm feeling, and then the seat is warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Which is really unnerving. Nice. And then after I'm done, I have to press the fucking, the B-Day button, right? Where it sort of goes, eeeeh, and it like, it sprays out B-Day up your ass at, you know, but it was warm water as well! It was warm! What the fuck did you expect it to be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a walker was spitting hot, warm, lukewarm water up my ar- it was like, it was unbelievably the oddest, most uncomfortable experience I've ever had in my life. It was very disrespectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Japan, like, I kept, I kept coming back to these four words, right? It's alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that that last day of being exposed to scary, young, nerdy, weird, creepy sort of Japan was a bit upsetting in a sense because I'd had sort of 13 days of kind of 14 days of being


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really enjoying Japan, right? Uhm, and kind of had, had like, I mean, I think like food-wise, I mean the other thing I want to say really about food-wise is like, food, the food was generally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty fucking bad, right? Like, like, especially, they mostly, their number one food is this tonkatsu, which is the sort of deep fried pork and stuff. And, uh, look, I'm sure, like, maybe I just went to the wrong places. I only had sushi twice in the entire time I was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, once was at the, uhm, fish market, right, in the morning. Yeah. Had it for breakfast, which was super weird, and it was really amazing, you know, changed my life, blah, blah, blah, all this shit. I've had pretty good sushi before, but sushi's nice, it's fine. But we had, sometimes we went for these more traditional Japanese meals, which I get, I don't know what the analogue of that is in Britain, right? Like, for example, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to a Japanese tea ceremony, okay, and in a way, it feels a little- It'd be like haggis and stuff like that, you know, like, like- It feels like a little bit like an English tea ceremony, like, you know, you go to a country house and there's a tea shop


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So no, it felt like there were these parallels. In any way, I guess, I think as Brits, we're quite polite. At least, or at least...


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[Assistant] We feel like we are, compared to, you know, we always say, ah, the Americans, they're always loud of brash and the Germans are always in your face pushing in, putting their beach towels on the, you know, do you know what I mean? We sort of have, I feel like, in a way, England


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't surprised by the politeness at all. I thought the politeness was very refreshing and I liked it. Okay? I like being polite. I like queuing. I like places where you, there's organised places to queue. Do they like queuing in Japan? They beg on queuing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're big on cue, and they've even got little areas for when the tube stops. They all cue. Rather than in London, where the tube is just a melee, there's actually very specific areas where you stand on the tube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, on the day I travelled back to the UK, the trains were all cancelled all the way from Bristol to London.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like terrified of upsetting people, right, because everyone was so lovely and so polite, like, went out for this incredibly fancy, we stayed in a Japanese guest house, like a ryokan, right, and we had a uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A kaiseki, which is like the classic, the traditional Japanese meal. Just for fun, basically. It's like going to a posh restaurant and having a really weird meal that you're not really going to enjoy, but it's like an experience. Like a haggis. Going to a restaurant and having a haggis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's awful. So we went to this fucking place and uhm, you know, they bring you like out all of this weird shit. So anyway, we're sat wearing uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this? Anyway, it's like you're eating like a potato shaped like a ball sack and it's like cold and fucking disgusting and then you're eating like a the fishiest like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] olive tasting thing and like then an anchovy and like a whole load of sweet bean curd that just like tastes like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too much of a deep dive. But anyway, it was, it was, it was fine. We had a, it was fine. But then, but obviously the person I'm with, um, was like retching and like, like couldn't, couldn't do it. And so I felt really bad. So I was like trying to help out and like, like finish their stuff as well. That's no spring chicken either.


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[Assistant] Like, thank you, you're saving me. You're my human dustbin. Like, because there was nowhere to spit this food out, right? There was nowhere to like, hide this food. Or like, you know, because if they'd come in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a massive bowl of cold noodles, and it's like, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? It's like,


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[Assistant] They bring you this like fucking random fish slime with fucking prawns and lotus fucking sandwiches and half a loaf of bread with honey on it and all this fucking shit and you finish off in this fucking cold bowl of noodles and you're like WHAT THE FUCK


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or not even that, just some Tesco white bread slices in a fucking bowl. And I'm like, what am I supposed to do with this? There's nothing to dip it in, there's no sauce, it's cold. It's like, what am I doing with this? Do I eat this or am I just supposed to like...


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[Assistant] Is it like something to look at? Do I rub my fucking fingers on it? I don't know. Anyway, like, there were so many experiences like that and it was just...


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[Assistant] They've got Universal Studios there, but I've been to the one in Turkey and America, which I feel like- What is Universal Studios?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, I mean, fuck, like, like, there you go, like, I dunno, you know, Japan, it was, it was amazing, like, I had a great time, I think the thing I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Japan's a weird place, right, cause everything is art, right, like food is really artistically done, the writing and the calligraphy is very artistic, uhm, or at least, I don't know, it's because I guess I can't read it, that it looks pretty to me, it's like pretty patterns, I don't know, but in a strange way they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a lot of care and design around the calligraphy and stuff. It's a big thing, calligraphy. Uhm, the buildings are all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's just, it seems like sometimes the stuff is thought through and they take care and they get stuff.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you go and pick up your real pass and, you know, there's like, like piping like bird sounds into the station and then the station has like a little cute mascot and it's like playing stuff and there's like Hello Kitty stuff everywhere and you go and pick up your pass and in the pass waiting room there was like,


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[Assistant] Those Sanrio characters are fucking everywhere, like the Hello Kitty but also the little Rilakkuma one and all the other super unbelievably cute characters are everywhere, like you go


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[Assistant] You're trying to get some flipping sandwich for lunch and you have to pick between like these cute ones and these cute ones. I don't know, it's like, it got overwhelming actually after a while. I was like, I'm absolutely sick of seeing fucking Hello Kitty on everything. Christ.