[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys. Yeah, yeah, cause you're spinning it up. No matter what, the caffeine is taking your blood, like your vessels, and fucking constricting them. That's what the caffeine does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the blood vessels are constricting, that's why. Because you're still trying to pump blood through that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Zequal. And Can. And Can. Okay, you're going up. Don't forget Can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, that's, that's the extreme version of what, so they, are they cutting, what is it? I know, I know, but that's, that's like the, they're putting fentanyl in cocaine, so it's the most extreme, like, high-low you could get. I have no idea why the fuck they do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it never made sense, like, why you would even put fentanyl in cocaine just for a feeling. It's like, I don't quite- or if you're cutting it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god damn, I thought they- Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, every crew's a cake loving crew man, we want that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now, now you don't get to go back up to the buffet. There's no buffet at all in Hollywood. You just gotta go up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's why I was just wondering, are the buffets done or are they back? Are buffets in general back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I never got a- I never got a plate at Tizzler, I always got the buffet. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, we went and got, we hoofed it there and we bought everybody in the line drinks, remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, the take away from Durs wasn't like, horrific, it was story based.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, but that shouldn't fucking, that shouldn't matter, that shouldn't matter about just talking about the movie and the whole. The question that I have is like, if you take away the fact that there's another movie coming in, if you were to take that away, and then just look at the end of the flick, is it fucking satisfying? Yea, make me go on a YouTube dive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Ders is saying no, and you're saying yes. Of what? Cool sand? Cool sand dunes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I, I'm gonna watch it, but I'm, no, I'm talking about the concept of not rapping. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just talking about that concept. I feel like that happens all the time because motherfuckers are just thinking about the next one, the next one, the next one. They forget to fucking make their movie good and it's like a simple fucking fix it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you also have to be like this movie. You also have to be like this movie fucking rocks. It ain't a fucking TV show. I did, I'm telling you. I thought it rocked. This is not a TV show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were a Thea Endermanger, right Blakey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without a doubt, I mean, I smell the man every day. When he walks past. Does he know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could just be Stetson for all I fucking know. I don't, I mean, I don't know, I don't think, he's not like hosed with it. You're not just like, it's not overpowering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miley Cyrus has like, it's like a Gucci commercial right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a ton, it looks like that come to life as a commercial. That for sure was on their vision board when they made this commercial. There's just like spinning daisies and shit flying, and there's shit flying all over the place. And then it's a Gucci commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your normcore. You're so- I would say your normcore, Ders. I would say that's your fashion style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, dude, I don't know, I saw it once, and admittedly, I was pretty stoned. I just remember thinking, like, this is a lot. And then when I saw that it was Gucci, I was like, say whaaat? You went and put your jacket on? I went and tried my jacket on. In the house. Damn. I do have it here. I brought it to Atlanta. I wore it one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, he did not mention it. In fact, uh, didn't mention it at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't even look your direction? Nah, didn't, uh, really sat at the opposite end of the table. There was an empty chair right by me and he was like, you know what? Nah, this guy keeps sniffing me when I walk past. It's fucking nice. Always smelling my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cologne commercials have gotten like, have they always been super fucking weird? I think they have. Cause anyone that's too indescent, inherently you're into some weird shit. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the- That's another thing I hate is when, uh, Facebook, I mean the things I hate now, guys, uh- Nice, dude, get it. Get it off your chest. On Facebook, when people go- No, when people- No, we're going back to Klontok. We'll get back. We won't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, hey guys, what's, what's your favorite cologne? Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you have to like, listen to con- like, they're putting it on you, uh, to like, go, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that being said, I fucked with some cool water back in the day, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh. DUMBASS! Well, cool water- I remember they said cool water cologne. I remember specifically it was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 9th, 8th, 9th, into 10th grade are fucked with it. Uh, because they said that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, I just bathed myself in it. I fucking stank, dude. Unlike Pierce. He has the perfect amount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that with aftershave. I was like, I tried to, uh, uh, shave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old style razor. So it's not a straight razor, but it's like the old, like, giant thick one. So I think I just grabbed it like an asshole. A little bick. And, uh, slipped my hand open. A big ol' thick one. I grabbed it like an asshole. But then I always saw, uh, I always saw my grandfather put aftershave on afterwards. And I thought that's what I should do, uh, with the wound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His neck, and he'd have like little, and he'd put aftershave on it. And I'm like, okay, that's what I do. So I poured it all over my hand. Burnt so fucking bad. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, no, I was like six or something. I was like, like a true little kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were six and you cut yourself and got your- Six or seven or eight in that range, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, but I'm six years old. I was like, I don't give a shit if- Wait, no. I was butt naked. I just, I just got out of the- Oh, I thought you had like, pants on. The bathtub or whatever. I had just like, just gotten- and I was like- I saw my dad and grand- and grandfather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, shave, and then put aftershave on, and I'm like, well guess what? I'm a man. I'm a man! I'm gonna shave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I was like, I'm gonna shave and do this whole thing and it fuckin' backfired. So I understand where you're coming from, Blake, about aftershave burning the D-hole. Right. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think any of us do, do we? Are we? We're a natural pheromone boy crew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about the membered body spray. I feel like none of us are stinky, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my mom would, for like years, when I was living with you, Blake, she'd get me like, axe and put it as like a stocking stuffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all the acts I could handle for like a solid six months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I feel like the three of us are, are, are pretty a okay with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cause you, uh, it's cause you run and then don't shower right away or what is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I just expect, it's not later in life. It's not later in life. It's how you're taking care of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a shit, I'm like it's way, it's way, I'm a giant person, it's way down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's probably why they were weirded out. They were like, oh, now there's gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too sexual, yeaah. I can't help but jerk off at this now when I was sad about Chadward Boseman, but then your sexy ass feet get in the frame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate my life. Where are you at right now, Jersey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well now you- now you are. Yeah, you- you just froze, looking so like, indignant towards us. You were just like, like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I don't do the classes, but I do like the, the, the other ride. And I'm like, I'm never even close to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's tons of, tons of classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go for it. And if you, and as far as just a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just like a stationary bike, it's a great stationary bike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, maybe ease into the peloton class, maybe don't go all out right away, your heart might explode. But is it Mr. Big because of his cock, is my guess, is that what they're, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you have never seen it? I've never seen it either. Oh, it's pretty good. Uh, Chloe was on a spin-off show called The Carrie Diaries, which was about them...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I ended up watching all of Carrie Diaries and then a little bit of Sex and the City to kind of get a grasp of the characters. I love it. I dug it, dude. I dug it. Oh, look at you. Go, go off. Yeah. It's like, it's like- I mean, it was a hit. Dude, it's basically entourage for women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Durser was a collegiate athlete, so your muscle, the muscle memory, it snaps back quicker. See, I was just kind of a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, we'll be pretty in shape, but then just, they'll wear a t-shirt and you can tell that their tits are just saggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a treadmill that you... Not, not assault runner. What? Yea, like running... Assault, not, not salt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the cock would rush right out of your big dick and it would explode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Caroline Ray. She, she fucked her eyes up? No. She got eyes lasered. Caroline, Caroline in the city, wasn't that, uh, uh, that was, um, Zoe Dorch's mom. Caroline Ray. No, that is, uh, the girl from, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met her once. Back to the future, back to the future. Her name isn't Caroline Ray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see her being way cool, I can see her being super, super dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that we don't have a workout, a series of workout videos, the three of us. Oh man, that would be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really wanted, I remember when we were doing Workaholics and I was doing all the Demamp Camp stuff and that was kind of my runner through the series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I, on the show Workaholics, I did Demamp Camp, Volume Swole, and was constantly wanting to put out these, uh, series of workout videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and you know, they were very- they were never any good. And, uh, but I was like, we should-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy Central teams up with fucking Puma or Adidas or someone and then I actually put out a series of funny workout videos. Right. I was like, that'd be great, that'd be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So rumor has it Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall. Okay. Here's some tea. Here's some tea. Hey guys sip some tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was for free time. Give him the tea. Uh, but technically this is our New Year's episode, correct, Blakey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never want to wear a suit or get dressed up. Like, literally never. I don't really want to do that. Except for New Year's Eve, there was like a big fucking Gatsby ball and everybody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dream New Years. But that never goes down. It never goes down. I never get the invite. It soared to me in a raven's mouth. I never get that. So, what's the point? What's the point of even trying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not amazing when parents or grandparents would just tell you something as a kid and you're just like, yea, I guess that is a fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, uh, well, I mean, grandmothers in New Orleans specifically, they like will go drink tea, sip it, uh-oh. Uh-oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and by the way, it's not that secret of a society. It's literally, there's a website that says join. You don't know about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the cool ones get, the cool ones go like, it's like a church thing, you know? It's sort of like, when you go to like a church event, you go like, you eye around, you see who like, the cool people are, and then you go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Red Hat Society women are doing the same. They're looking around, they're like, yo, Gladys has got that gin in her purse. I know she does. Pour some of that in our tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And our vela's got that, that good good on lock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did your grandmother, uh, was your gra- My grandmother was a fucking party animal. Marvella Divine. That woman threw down. Very fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandma wasn't sippin' wine, she was chuggin' vodka, bro. When we're old and we are grandfathers, uh, do you think we will, like, play card games? I don't. I think we're all gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause look at us now, we're the three best friends on a podcast, we're not in the same room together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I smell good as shit. I don't, I don't smell like shit. We've established that you're, if anyone's a stinky one as you, you think you smell like shit now. You're a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true, true. I was thinking about us as a group. Uh, do you really think you'll be dead by 50?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, man, I don't think so. I think you got, no, Ders, you live a very healthy lifestyle. You, you don't drink that often, and when you do, it's a classic binge situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, but then you don't like drink, you'll go like a few weeks without drinking and then you'll have a night out and you'll go and you'll drink, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, have you, have you ever done that? My dad, my dad did that, uh, you know, once or twice when I was a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you. I love you too. You're in your genes, dad. At the time that, uh, me and my dad always slapbox, right? Uh, and so we're always slapboxing each other, and then I was on tour,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, which is like right next to Waterloo, Iowa, where I'm from, where my whole family's from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh damn. Yes, we drank them out of alcohol. Halfway through the show, or not even halfway through, like 15 minutes into the show they were like out of beer so the venue had to go buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it was an awesome show, and it went great, and then after the show we went out, we went drinking, it was very fun, all my dad's friends were there, and then we're going back to the hotel, and it's all icy out, it's like February in the winter, and we're slap boxing, and uh, and then my dad, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I'm like, what the fuck, you hit me in the lip. And he's like, oh, I'm sure. And then I fucking popped him in the face and I gave him a black eye. And then my mom, now my mom's like, stop it! Stop it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and my dad's- Yeah, and then my dad's like, you son of a bitch! And he's like, wants to fight me and people have to hold him back and shit. And, uh, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so, and then, uh, we go back to our rooms, whatever, you know, we are drunk. And, and you know how you guys fist fight your dads when you guys get drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww, man. Aww, come on. Jesus Christ. Was it two people? Or you just got back into character? No, this is my dad. I got back into character. And, uh, and I opened up the door and it's just my dad slumped in the hallway trying to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom won't let me sleep in the room with her. She kicked him out! Even in the dog house? Yea, so I'm like, I'm like, ahhh, if I can come in here. And then, uh, he sleeps in the room with me. I wake up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then somehow he had stripped down to just his tighty-whities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, ah! And then, and then he was like, oh shit, I thought you were a petty! And I'm like, ah, I'm not, I'm not petty!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then we have a really funny photo of like the next day of like, uh, uh, me looking fat headed from all the booze I drank and my dad just fully having a black eye and it's just us in the lobby of this shitty hotel being like, yeah, it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, if I'm slam dancing with my bros. That's so subdued. I'm slam dancing with my bros. Let's go!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dad reminds me of, I'm watching Succession, and your dad reminds me of, uh, Brian Cox, the character that, not in like how he is, uh, temperament wise, but just like a big, like, bulldog of a man, like a strong big guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see that, so you never fist fought him. Yeaah. No. And, and, uh, did you ever just throw some fucking gloves at Tim? Uhm, well my dad...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But do you think right now you could, uh, physically dominate your father?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, I mean, don't be afraid, I know, I know you might listen to the podcast, my dad listens to the podcast, and I, I mean, yeah, he just battled cancer, and so I do have that leg up on him, but I for sure could beat the shit out of my, of my father who, uh, just battled cancer, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I feel confident. I'm pissed now! I feel confident in being able to- You've got that? That I could do that, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my father, uh, there's stories of him. He will not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uh, no, his friends, cause I go hunting with a group of my friends and a group of his friends once a year. We haven't done the last couple of years cause of COVID and cancer, but uh, COVID strikes again, but there's, uh, evidently he bit a man's finger off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he were to get real riled up, something could turn real sideways to where he just- I feel like I would never bite a man's finger off. I don't know about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it depends, is this a life or death fight? Every fight is, potentially. Like if this is a friendly, no it's not. The fight with my dad in that parking lot in front of the other, the local Radisson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, his fight was like, guys followed them home from the bar, and like they fought in, in, so, I don't know. You know, they were, they were like street kids, so there could have been knives in front of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, it could have been, it could have been life or death, I don't know, you know. That being said, like, if I'm in a fist fight with, usually I've only ever fought my friends, it's always been like tempers, get a little out of hand, and then me and a buddy go at it, but we're not actually, like, you're just trying to win the fight, you're not trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he's trying to kill me. If I think that my life is in danger. But if I'm fighting a friend, I know my life's not in danger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they like super rude to you or something? Uh, then maybe. No, it would need to be like, they, it's, like, I always think like, uh, if I come


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, if I end up killing him, I don't want to, but if he's, if I think like he's there to kill me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, would you guys be okay? I feel like that would be the scenario that I could murder a person. Where if like, if your family's in the house and there's just a fucking guy there and you're like, get the fuck out of my house and he's like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he comes towards you and you're like, oh fuck, now I gotta fight this guy to the death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now usually they're just like, what? It's fine. And then he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Subdues you, and then he make- he ties you up, he puts a bunch of plates on your back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend at the time caught me, I was in the bathroom and I just got out of the shower and I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I'm like getting, and I'm thinking about it and then I like played the scenario out of my head as if


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a teacher and he comes around the corner and I got him in a choke hold and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well fuck those guys. Fuck, isn't that crazy? Jesus Christ. Could you imagine being one of those parents and they're like, it wasn't real, and you're like, uh, I wanna, that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had to pay like tons, tons of money. The only other way that I'd feel comfortable murdering someone is if my child was murdered during Sandy Hook and then someone said it was a conspiracy theory. Then I would just be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'm like, man, I get to murder that guy now too. Would you say I get to murder him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know if I could kill anyone with a nunchuck. That'd be a really hard...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever nunchucked? It's the hardest thing in the world. You hit yourself so often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, and then she wanted a nunchuck and we were like, yeah, juggalos, I'm sure nunchuck also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More power to you. If you enjoy it, more power to you and your smelly weird shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wait a second. Yeah, everything is fake. I don't believe anything. I mean, that being said, they gotta, they gotta think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing your very own thing, and you know, Ders wants to give you flowers. I don't, I think you're walking talking diarrhea people, but Ders wants to give you flowers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's your title for the podcast. What's up with your pubes? Oh, here we go!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, Kyle is not with us this week, uhm, prior commitments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, go for it. Do you agree or do you disagree?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well last year was Michael B. Jordan, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it used to be more dangerous, right? Sexy has changed. The definition of sexy has changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know who Dak Prescott is, correct? Absolutely. Sexy quarterback. That's the other thing I want to ask. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me just squeeze this out because it's quick. We can move on right after it. Absolutely. Do you know what Dak Prescott's name is? His real name? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was the, what's her name? The like, underworld movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've ever seen one of them but they kill it, huh? Evidently, evidently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's with Lisa Bonari. Go ahead. Adam's uh, in taking a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we get producers looking up Jason Momoa's given birth name? Real name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one. You never heard people be like, what's your government name? Cause it's like, if you got like a street name, Joseph Jason. Well that's weird. What's wrong with Joseph? Joseph and Momoa actually kinda, I like that. Joey Momoa?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. He's a Baywatch alumni, right? Is he? Alumnus? I don't know. Yeah, he was on Baywatch back in the day, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I went straight to hockey practice and then I wasn't, I'm not that good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what the fuck? Truth be told, I think like you just said, I got 500 of these made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever sent them out, they like sent them all out. And then they were like, and then we'll need more. And I go, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even to have to go and get them again, it was a yeaah. And I worked at a headshot place where like if you got headshots made, you brought the disc to us and we like printed them for you and got like picked the border and like the font of your name and that was a great gig. It was cool. Well that was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the sexiest people you've ever seen that hadn't made it yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. Can you just give me your clottograph? Uh, there was a, there was the guy from Children of the Corn and the Burbs who would come in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and get his headshots. Only you would notice? Only me, for sure. Uh, the guy who had like the red hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then like a manager who was basically a manager to people who would go to those conventions and just like sign shit from like old movies they were in in the 80s, you know? Dude, those are the best. And then randomly, somebody I went to high school with was in New York acting like in theater and had their headshots made at our shop and I was like, whoa, this is fucking crazy.


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[Assistant] People are weird. Yeah, people have their own little things. And by the way, you don't want to like get too close because then next season your kids are on different teams and you're like, Oh shit. Hey, how you been dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ju- I literally just came from soccer with a bunch of parents of- of stature. David Beckham. David Beckham. Yeah, I was there with, uh, uh, Justice. What is her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my Kyle. Here's my Kyle. He'd be like this. He'd go, Yeah man, vibro. Wasn't it spice?


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[Assistant] No, no, no. I'm looking in the thing now. They're saying Adams was her OG last name, but that's... Oh, not.


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[Assistant] Because it's not like he was like, you know, I'm going to say like same very sing songy.


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[Assistant] Well, no, Dwayne Wayne, but in his real life, his name is Kadim Hardison, which is even better.


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[Assistant] How's that possible? Khadim. Khadim Hardison. Also known as Dwayne Wayne. And Jason Momoa. Joey Momoa.


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[Assistant] I think when Blake cuts the hair, he can have a total glow up and you don't know. No, I don't think so. People love your hair.


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[Assistant] Wait, speaking of your head size and just body shape, have you guys been constantly recognized with your masks on?


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[Assistant] Have you been constantly recognized with your mask on like in public? I've never worn a mask.


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[Assistant] Well by that rationale, like, if we wore full body suits long enough, I guess we would figure out how to recognize people's movement and shit.


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[Assistant] Well, yes, but it was like, uh, it was like a grown up, like, whoa, like when you see your parents, um, like fighting physically.


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[Assistant] No, you're right. I remember kids being like, you swear a lot. Or like, man, I shouldn't swear. And I had a friend who was talking about how he's like, I gotta stop swearing. I do it too much. And we were like, we were like nine.


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[Assistant] Uhm, not like, unless it's like really necessary. Like, I said, like, Close the fucking door! I said, mom, get me the fuck it. Right, yes. Get me a fucking spoon! It's my fucking chair now, dad. You know, that kind of stuff.


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[Assistant] I guess I do it when it's like, uh, if I'm like describing the contractors at my house, I'd be like, they're driving me fucking crazy. And like, cause I just have to. That's the only way I can describe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't like casually swear in front of them like, man, it's cold as shit out there, guys. Like they go, what are you doing? I'm just saying it's fucking cold outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a different relationship. Your parents, your dad swears, my dad never swore in front of me really.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, see, you're like, you're watching the same movies, yea.


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[Assistant] Well remember in Judge Dredd when like the thing flew around and like would ticket you when you swore? Oh man, Judge Dredd, great film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know Judge Dredd, I thought they did that, and then I also thought like, uhm, they like, she's like, do you wanna fuck? And he's like, yeah. And then they just put on goggles. No, that's-


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[Assistant] Oh my god! She already did this, by the way. That was the whole thing, is that she won Woman of the Year, which was controversial. Oh, she won Woman of the Year? Yeah, that's right. It's like, oh really? The Woman of the Year was just a man her entire life? And it was like, controversial. It's not to me. I love it. Wow.


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[Assistant] No, Billy Jean's the one where he's walking on the lights. Correct?


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[Assistant] Dude, Billie Jean to Ninja Turtles? You know that was the first draft and somebody, some ghostwriter from Michael was like, could we just change these lyrics from I love that Capri Sun to the kid is not my own? And he's like, okay, I'm over here drinking Capri Suns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, like a Colin Farrell type dude?


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[Assistant] When he was 48, so it is a man's game.


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[Assistant] We already kind of do that every day. Like, the second-


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[Assistant] I do love how they're like, look, we, uh, everything's falling to shit here. They all found out we just read headlines from Maxim Magazine and this isn't a real job. I mean, fuck. What a gig though. So to get in like late 80s, early 90s, if you're killing it in radio, if you're, if you're the man cow morning show or whatever the fuck it is.


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[Assistant] I mean, as soon as Howard Stern jetted, everyone was like, uh, what now? And then everything got... huh?


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[Assistant] Uhm, and then like, everything started getting bought by the same one company, and you're like, okay.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying, I wouldn't even be telling people they're getting free cars, or people are gonna come for them.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, naisance. Didn't we, didn't we spoof them with Rod and Ryler? In some fashion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Netflix, if you're listening now, throw us some coin, we'll make you a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You buy a building and you put a fucking name on it and then you call BMW or whoever and you say I want to start selling your cars and then they go okay or not and then you start selling it and then you take a cut of the commission or whatever which is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super fucked up now because I'm trying to get a new car and everywhere is like, hey, so you know, uh, it's going to be like $30,000 on top of whatever you want to pay to get a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because of the supply chain and the fucking demand. Everything's fucked up. So like if you want a brand new car that like just dropped that's still kind of fucking hot, they're putting like 20% above uh, sticker price. No shit. Yeah. Just cause they can't unload them at the docks or whatever? Yeah, so it's limited so like if you got the cash they're like you can have it.


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[Assistant] I thought that season was fine. Season 2, where it like completely departed from, uh, the city and it was like, out of the docks it's crazy too. And then they were like, let's get back to the city. Yeah, back to the city though, where they sell drugs and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wire was even before that. The wire was early 2000s, or like I guess maybe mid 2000s.


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[Assistant] We talked about how I just saw it last year, right? And you loved it. Yeah, it was fine. I watched it with the kids. I was just too old for it at the time, and I'm not as-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But as we've discussed, you're a huge... You're not a huge Robin boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Wait, so was he also in the birdcage, Pierce?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Who's name is Fire- Harvey Firestone? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Not only am I laughing at the jokes, I'm also laughing at how enjoyable it is to be like, he's just doing jokes. It's just funny. And I'm laughing about how like people think you can't just make a show again about nothing. It's just what it is. It's just this. It's just jokes. There's nothing else.


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[Assistant] Even if you agree with it, you're like, you're making time for this right now?


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[Assistant] Let's, let's describe this. So basically this house had, on the upper level, it had a humongous en suite master or uh, primary bread bedroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, do you want to kick off take, do you want to kick off some, uh, apologies or take backs with, uh, your behavior in that home?


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[Assistant] Come on, on to lay, brother. I just, my, my, my upside down, hanging chair. Nope, get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] OG Banksy. You should have like removed that pool and like tried to sell it to someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry to the fans that we couldn't, uh, wrangle Kyle. He's busy prior commitments. Uhm, we miss you, Kyle. Uhm. We do. Greatly missed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it also an app on Apple TV and all that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you guys the Freak Brothers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, this is from like very early John Goodman. It's like a Footlocker commercial and he comes in there being like, I need this brand, that brand, this brand, that brand, as if they couldn't handle it. And the guy's like, what's your size? I got him. Yeah. But he looked so young. His hair looked amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you had to pick one, him or Pierce? Aw shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, to be fair, that last week's episode is very foggy in my brain. It wasn't exactly scheduled the way I expected. I believe we even talked about that on the pod, but we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I didn't expect the Brozarks episode to start at 10am record, like after-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much, yeaah. I mean you can hit the gas on this. We're seven minutes deep in the pod. You wanna draw this stuff out, man.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I did that a couple times, and that was the only time where I saw Adam's dad be like, hey, Blake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I re- I really love this new addition to the uh, soundboard. But I do need your mom to do it and send it please. It's just a little weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck this. Kyle, great call though. I didn't even consider snakes in the water were there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I had to guess, maybe we should give Kyle his flowers a little bit. I think every AM jet ski ride he did before we hit the water was just chopping up snakes. So you probably took him out with the, with the old ski. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, like, upon taking the jet skis out, like, I had several times in being on the water, I was like, there is nothing more fun than being on a jet ski. I do believe, like, that is the pinnacle. Hey, ride my back. You'll have a better time. Okay, I'd like to see what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the best part about the whole experience is like, yea, we came in, Isaac came in, he's like, yo, Justin, just so you know, this shit's gonna get crazy, but like, they were the ones who set up the Jaeger fountain, they were the ones who brought out the champagne gun,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want anybody to think we're being like, uh, disrespectful to the establishment. I feel like we were all having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've never watched it. Oh. I had to visit before I would turn it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch the shot. In the show Ozarks, they say the thing that I heard about a hundred times while we were at the Ozarks where they're like, it's the coastline, the lake is as long as the California coastline. They say that shit every fucking 30 minutes in that show and that show is very long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were smothered and covered. They were Jäger Fountain drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I get the reference now, that's awesome.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and we weren't like, we weren't dropping location on, on like Instagram or anything, so it was just kind of a random occurrence. I think we were pretty good about- Should've did that, we should've did that. Yeah, we should've been like, follow the party train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be packed. We want that dirty dirty dude. The dirty murdy. The Rippin' and the Terran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, they are missing. The, the boys we sent home in, or Durr sent home in an Uber, through, uh, Dennis D's, uh, beautiful, uh, direction as well. You two were the MVPs of that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking back it was, I feel like we wanted the drama a little bit.


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[Assistant] Which by the way was a block or two away from here.


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[Assistant] That seems like that would have been the most helpful person to be like, oh, I just dropped your bros off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to be fair, the very next night, Akko took my phone. He thought my phone was his phone. And then, remember, I was like, where's my phone? Where's my phone? And everybody's calling my phone. Everybody knows we're on high alert. Where's Blake's phone? Akko had it in his damn pocket.


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[Assistant] Yes, where everybody, like their point of pride was like, hey, we were on like CNN because we were the pool that like opened first during COVID.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, no, it was truly frightening. I was convinced. I was getting the vid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Body sore, which was from the jet skis. That was my thing. I was running through the checklist and being like, oh, this is the reason though. This is the reason. From the jet ski. And I'm like, or is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, I just said that it was a scandemic, but maybe it's a testament to the vaccines really work. Everybody go out, get your vaccines. We were in the, we were in the COVID final boss and we came out negative because Johnson and Johnson and I'll get my booster very soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did try to start doing chicken fights and they said that was also against the rule.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I can even walk that back. I was jumping onto a table, which I thought would break my fall, and it was thinner than I thought. I think things through, okay? I halfway think them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I guess, uh, my final, uh, compliment would be to the whole entire Devine family. They let us go up in their house and I know I wrestled in the kitchen with Uncle Matt and maybe dented the refrigerator. There is a dent. There is a dent in my bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very, very cool for your parents to allow us to just, uh, turn it into a frat house for a hot three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And good job Adam, you fucking, you know, the bachelor party kinda follows the bachelor and you were on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's you doing a, that's you doing an impression of your mother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh. Hangover is still happening, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Called eels. Snakes of the ocean. Dude, I kind of stopped going in the water cause- Jellyfish. This dude, we call him Sharkman, would always take pictures of sharks and then show me like right before I was about to get into the water and he'd be like, here's a shark, and then like, lower the thing, I'm like, that's right there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well I just respect it more.


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[Assistant] I saw some fucking shit where, like, where people were riding the waves and going up over them and getting air and stuff and I'm kinda into that. Like, when I was out in the Ozarks, I would find the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were in the fridge, man. They were in the fridge, so I fucking said, clack, give me a diet Mountain Dew. I stocked them for you, baby. I stocked them for you. A diet Mountain Dew? Yea, they had diets. It was great. It was perfect. Less sugar. I dug it.


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[Assistant] Builder of Harley-Davidson's. Builder of Harley's.


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[Assistant] That's why I stopped the presses, it was like a big moment for me.


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[Assistant] Let me know who's fucking, who's pescatarian out there, if you dig the pescatarian lifestyle or what, cause I'm highly considering it, cause that salmon was bomb as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember looking at him and being like, dude, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Zach was all the way over- Zach's probably justified it cause he was on another one with absurdities that night and it was fucking fantastic. I'm sure Zach came up with the take your shirt off so she knows you've ordered, which is essentially the pattern that we all fell into. It was the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, and by the way, that courtyard was also getting the feed to our half songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, like bandits. What was the, that was just also because, oh no, the napkins around the neck was after it had been a little bit of time, and it was just to show that we were hungry. I think that's to show you had received your food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are snakes. There are snakes. Kyle, everything, everything you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's weird because the three days that we were there, right? That's all it was, was like three days felt like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the second day felt like a fucking like three or four days when we had dinner and then after dinner it was like. Because every day had chapters. Fucking A. So it makes sense that you're gonna have a hangover for three days because you drank like for a week and a half in three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes that's a long crawl up top. You did this time around, you slept next to a bed? Look how this one fell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember us trying to lift you and when you were watching Men in Black on the last day and you were like keeping your weight down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciated it. They did. Yeah, they did have free water. Take as much as you want. Big shout out to Marty Byrds. Awesome stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so then yeaah, what? We left. Durs, we left early in Austin's car. We jetted. We bounced. We went back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I willed it. He lost his voice. You fucking willed it. You did it. And so like, we were all like, oh yea, he said it in the podcast. He said something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we had two people go missing. That counts for the arrested.


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[Assistant] Dead. Right. That was, that was kinda the, that was the hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were two blocks away from that house.


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[Assistant] And they came in at 8 o'clock in the morning with fucking blankets wrapped around them like shivering into my room. And I'm like, my room's not a common space or anything like that, but they bust open the door and they're like, oh bro, you're still here? You're in here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and you guys are in here now, and I'm happy you're alive, but also like now, I got kids, I'm not gonna go back to sleep, I'm not hungover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they turned off their phones on purpose and then bought beer and was like, we're going to do this off books for beer. Is that what they did? I don't know.


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[Assistant] I want to compliment the group of bros that were out there for coming together in that hour and searching for the other lost bros. That was, it was, we did it. We did it guys. We came together. I heard you guys did it. Yep, tried to fix Anders' mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also shout out to Durz for being the catalyst of that whole thing, you know? Yes. Thank you Durz for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marv and Kyle, dude. Oh, I saw that, dude. No, I fucking saw that on Sunday. I was like, yo, this shit's clipped. Yep. They busted out the footrest. And that's okay, RIP. Almost cut my foot on it. Very, very dangerous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What this is, this is like an AS, what is it? ASMR? What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is important, ears, whatever people want to whisper in. And we mold it after our actual ears or buttholes. Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you thought they knew, you thought they knew. So what was the photo that, that you were so scared of? His address?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a photo of your, your child standing in front of your address of your home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was because he put like, he put, Nike wasn't affiliated. I think that was the backlash, right? That it was Nike, he like bought a bunch of Nikes, did his own thing and resold them and then had like Satan, like branding on it. He brought in Satan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, who's jizzy? I say yea, for our tickets, yea for our tickets that we sell for our live shows, we jizz and we blood on every ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we all just said how cool it is, and it's a vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if we go necessarily Satan, we just go like, hey, we're excreting, we're secreting fluids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I just got home for the first time in, uh, six months. I haven't been back to my house. And this is the very first time, uh, I walked in. The fucking water pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I turned the f- it like hurts to take a shower. It's like fucking cutting me as I'm trying to- to bathe myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in like the nook of the mountain and, uh, they like carved out this little area for my house. And then- You made them? The, the house was built in 1920s. So like, it's fucking thick. It's not like- Oh. The, the, uh, what, plaster or whatever of houses now that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could just zap right through. So the fucking internet here just sucks. Every year. Forever. And no matter what I do, it just sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was 19, yeaah, it was 1920 and, uh, yeaah, I do believe it was before internet. I think internet hadn't even come out yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go to the community, we ask the community what they think, and they should decide. The community should decide, and uh, because the arugaloids, they don't lord over the entire community. I think we ask the community, and then they decide if he's the pesky buggers or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's not very Christian. That's not very Christian though. Did you say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I draw the line. Why can't it be a ball? Why's it gotta be the box, man? Why can't it be a ball or a sack? You know, like a cup. A satchel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it can be a cup, it can be a pyramid. Yeah, what the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have to entertain them every day. That's like part of being a parent. Yeaah. No days off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, it's the, it's Hawaii though, can't you just release them into the wild and let them climb a banyan tree and then you go about your business?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle, now are you, I also love Hawaii, and uh, spend a lot of time in Hawaii, enjoy it immensely, but uh, it sucks though, right? A little bit? Does it suck sometimes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And doing, uh, their own, you'll go to a restaurant and it'll just be closed. And you're like, oh, but we were going to go eat here. And they're like, there's a good swell that came in and now we're all just out surfing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go do it. Yeah. You just, you just kill one of them? Yeah, or, or just snag a pineapple? What you're speaking about is what is referred to as island time, am I correct, guys? Yeah, the island time, it does bother me. I wish it didn't, I wish it didn't bother me. I wish I was just more go with the flow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, I'll, I'll eat whenever the swell is done and they can come back and cook the food. But I'm, I'm very much like a city guy that when.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when we were scouting a house party and we called ahead for our order and placed all of our order like an hour ahead of time and then we get there and we only had like 30 minutes to eat and the food just never came and we left starving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is, it is cool. I do get it. I think that my, maybe that is why, cause I haven't really vacationed there often. It's always been for work stuff. So every time I'm there, it's like, yeah, that's not why you go to Hawaii now. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, don't fuck with macadamia nuts. You don't like macadamia nuts? No, dude. You are so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh oh, we got six, we already said peanuts. Pine nuts, I said pine nuts. What nuts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, okay, maybe it's ten. Because I'm eating nuts that I've never eaten before, ever, and still putting them above macadamia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, uh. Oh really? We, we, we never went anywhere. We only went like, we would go camping and shit. But I remember my parents took me to Orlando for, but I was a little too old. We went to, uh, for Walt Disney World.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like by the time they hit 1415, they just wanna be with their friends. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I was jerking off all the time. It was not a, I was like just dipping away to go jerk off places. Right. Minnie Mouse sucked. I should have just been at my house where I could just jerk off at peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my dad absolutely every time would knock on the door and he'd be like, uh, uh, you're going to go blind in there. Cause he knew. Worth it. Cause he knew. And I'm like, you're not, why do you always say that? 100% of the time I was. You had your dick in your hand while you were saying like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, so we went to Vegas, I remember, like, also too honored to be out in the world. I had to, there was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that they just keep stacked. And then I stuffed it in my pants and I came running back and got the ice and I'm now I'm sweating because it was like a debt because it's a Vegas hotel. It's like it takes a long time to get outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hot, it's the desert. And I remember just my mom like, you know, thinking something was, was up. She was like, it took you that long to get ice? And I'm like, yeah, every machine in this hotel is busted. I had to go to like six machines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like later that night, she goes and gets, she goes and gets ice and she's like the one, and I'm like, they must've fixed it. The one down the hallway is working. They must've fixed that real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's sick. I love shit like that. When you like, as a little kid, you like know that it's a place that adults go, and you're just like, so you and your friends, you're like, oh, we should maybe hit up Excalibur this weekend, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Kyle, did you- did you go on any, uh, family vacations, uh, where you couldn't stop masturbating? Well, it was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smokers have like a kinship, I think cause it is such an addicting thing, that like when someone asks,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always jealous of friends that, uh, cause I never smoked, uh, but I was like jealous of my friends in like eighth and ninth grade that like could just go up to any group of people and be like, Hey, mind if I bum a cig? And then they're in that little club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, my dad quit for like seven or eight years and then the cancer struck. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, what do you think the, like, our generation, I think our generation, uh, fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what we were doing. Yeah, building muscle, being strong as hell. We were fucking, yeah, getting, being beef castles. Yeah, being beefy as fuck, being cool. Having delicious ribs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, it is really bizarre. And you were, when you sent that photo, you sent the photo to the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you were like 2000, what did you say, like 10, Kyle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like that was Kyle's look from like 2005 to 2010. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, imagine if your life, like, really, really, really, really sucks. And then, and then you find out that you're in a simulation. How fucking bad would that suck? It's like, even in a fucking video game, I got the fucking shitty... I got the shitty version of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well sure, I mean, that's a way to just look at it like, it's like, if you just look at life as a giant game, that is a good way to look, I mean, obviously it's a very serious game, but- Go see Free Guy on- Yea, it's Free Guy. Yea, this is Free Guy. And that brings us to our first ad break, Free Guy. That being said, I wanna see it, I wanna see Free Guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, is it just because like the world kinda sucks now, like global warming has like, there's fires every fucking day, there's, the east coast is just flooding, there's hurricanes, there's tornadoes in Hawaii, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but the fun part of blow is the first two acts when it's just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like every, like serial killer thinks that they're just for doing their fucking absolutely insane thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great moment. I feel like Denzel, I mean, that was a hit. Was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, uh, audience, uhm, just go with me here. Maybe, maybe we do that in the Workaholics movie, Ders. It's just a little pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I didn't see a movie in 2004. Maybe I, there's like, every movie that you're mentioning I've never even heard of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you don't watch the last 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The end of the movie gets sad guys. It gets sad. But the first hour of the movie is a fucking banger baby. Penelope tears it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was something like, uh, he had like a $2,000 a day wine habit. It's more than that, it was like, it was- $20,000?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Which is so cool. That's so much wine. Like he took, he took his like Pirates of the Caribbean character like way too seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He rips it off. Yeah, he rips it. And then he pulls it. Who is the best, uh, actor? Johnny Depp. Who has a bant? Ooh. The Bacon Brothers. Ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was in Phantom Planet and he did the, uh, the theme to Osea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that wins. Yup. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, he probably wins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has to win. Yeah, he crushes. He has to. He wins for me. I'm sure, uh, Leto is, uh, what is it? 30 Seconds to Mars? Is that the name of the game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, someone definitely rips. It could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should Dave Grohl be the second guest on the uh, on the podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that- dude, that song came out right when I moved to California and I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slow motion walking through the campus of OCC, Orange Coast Community College. So yeaah, it has a special place in my heart and a big shout out to Jason and Phantom Planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, should she be the next guest? Yeah. I'm going to, uh, the Green Day concert, Green Day Weezer, uh, Fallout Boy. You're not gonna, you're gonna explode. Dodger Stadium tonight. You're going to spontaneously


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a bi- I know, I'm so excited. Like, I've never seen it, I don't know if I've seen a concert with that many people. There's gonna be like 60,000 people there. That will be very fun. You saved. You mean you've never been to a show that big? I don't know if I've been to a show that big. I've seen the Foo Fighters in a stadium in Australia, but I don't know if it was as big as Dodger Stadium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's a festival that's- That's festival, that's different. But that's a festival, that's not just a concert. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, I'm going to that show tonight. I'm very excited about it. It should be fun. That'll be fun. Dodger Stadium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Weezer, Weezer tours. I, I hosted the, uh, Weezer cruise. I'm sure I talked about it on the podcast, but I hosted the Weezer cruise ship, like, seven years ago or something. Uh, which was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely insane to just be on a cruise ship with, uh, with like 2,000 Weezer fans. It was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lotta zipped up hoodies, everyone's very pale, everyone's wearing Converse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of cool glasses. Ectomorphs. They gave me the microphone because I was the emcee of the like ship, of the whole ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And they're like, Hey, or you could talk in this is your God Mike. You can talk to the entire ship whenever you'd like. And I'm like, okay. And, uh, then I went to the casino and then I was like, Hey, come on down to the casino. See me in the casino. And then I started losing money and like getting more and more drunk. And I'm like, don't come to the casino. They're taking all your money. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Kyle does have big ass shoulders. He's got the- You're a mezzanine for sure. Big check shoulders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I'm a mesomorph because my, I mean I'm like, I'm the same size all the way down. Like there's not a, it's not like my legs are skinny. I have big ass fucking legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smash his face! Perfect! My iron Jesus. Uh, any take backs, giveaways, apologies? I already apologized. Uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the fact, that's so in my wheelhouse of shit that I should know. Yeah. Some music from 2001 and 2 and 3 and 4.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like maybe I take a wa- maybe before I watch Rush Hour and Men in Black, I go down this road first. Do you think that's more important or I should be watching Men in Black and Rush Hour?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Peace, we're going to Tom Hanks' house to do cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I can't come unless somebody's brushing my cock with a pair of headphones on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, can you actually go off for a second, just hit mute and take your headphones off? Everyone at home, Adam goes deep into character. He doesn't even know that- I haven't done it yet. Oh, he's listening. He's listening. I can still hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so now he's off. Uhm, I hate him. Uhm, that was a cover. I knew that he was gonna take the time and do like the whole joke. Obviously he knows he's an actor. But I hate him and he's definitely not listening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, how is it shooting nights? You want to talk, does everyone want to talk about shooting nights? Cause I don't know if people at home, if you, if you've ever worked nights or had that kind of schedule, it is fucking crazy. You're going to sleep when the sun comes up, you're getting up when the sun goes down. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another thing about like the shooting nights thing that a different version is when you're on set for a very long time shooting night stuff and you're like in a house that's built on a set and like it's dark and they're like, okay, so climb in the bed and like they're lighting and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then you go outside and you're like, Oh, it's 1 30 in the afternoon. I thought it was. Yep. One of the more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we just go buy some black tinfoil? That shit's cool. Hell yea. I might wrap my wagon in that. You gotta murder it out. That could be kinda cool. Like the matte look. I'm down for that. Reynolds wrap. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So it would happen probably twice a week in a way that you're like, there's no way this dude doesn't know that that just happened. Right? And I brought it up to another guy on set. I'm like, yo, have you ever, and he was like, it's crazy. And I was like, do we say something? And then he was like, well, I don't know. Like he'll get fired and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was, what do we say on workaholics? Accidentally on purpose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was definitely, cause I brought it up to the other homie, I'm like, I'm like, is this happening to you? And he goes, dude, it's crazy. I've never, he's like, it's for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it was just one of those moments where you're like, do I bring this up, get this guy fired and save everyone else from a cock brush? A two a week cock brush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These kind of things happen. But this is what happens, guys. We're doing it live. Uh huh. Not live? It's not live. Recorded to tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, but that's the whole side hustle of the industry really. It's like if you're working in this business and you kind of see a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just something that can be done better. You're like, oh my god, I've got the million dollar idea. Cause that bullet dude, those bullets are not cheap and everyone uses them all the time. Every single set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new makeup bag. Cause like, you just want to make everybody's life easier. And if you can be the guy who comes up with the thing, like the fact that makeup artists on shows, all their bags are clear so they can see exactly where the shit that they need is. I'm like, that's genius. Somebody do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, it was like a pad that goes on an, it was wheels that go on an apple box?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For everyone at home, Adam looks not happy right now. He's just staring down. I can't tell if he's frozen or if he's just about to cry. Oh, there he is. He's not pumped and I've seen him pumped twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not that. This is not that time. No. Still sad. Like if this is the guy who hasn't seen the Ozarks. No. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle, do you want to talk about NorCal, man? Oh dude, I'm up in NorCal, man. What is popping off up there, dude? I know that there's like all sorts of bad shit happening in the bay, but what's the good shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind, what kind of tacos are we talking, like carne asada?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna bring him up, bring him up. But he's not even Concord. Who's Concord? Who's from Concord? Blake Anderson. Kyle Newacek. I do want to say you guys had a fast swimmer come out of Concord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rowdy Gaines, pronounces it Coughlin, so guys, don't battle Rowdy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'll be all rowdy games. So she's got a wing for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, you missed me talk about a sound guy in a production who would just brush against my cock twice a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it would happen like twice a week where you're like, that was on purpose for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember when you had your first kiwi and it was like, it was all furry on the outside, so you're like, alright, what is this? But then you get on that inside and it's pretty damn good, isn't it? Wait, dude, do you know that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fine, but like the outside doesn't taste good. No, it's awesome, dude. You can eat the rind of a watermelon. It's so dope, cause you snap right into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not delicious. It's for sure not good. To me I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I eat this sweet treat. The out. So you would eat just, would you eat the bowl? Would you eat a bowl? Hang on. You want to know? No, I want to ask you this question. Would you eat, if someone had a bowl of just the rind, you'd be like, Oh, I'll have that. That's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You throw it anywhere. It is an apple. A squirrel will come eat it cause that's what apple cores are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Kyle, I got an idea for your salad bar. One moment, I got an idea for the salad bar. Yeah, what up baby? Like, if you're a company and you've been throwing away the rind and the skin, just send it to Kyle's salad bar where there's a whole trough of it because there's good stuff in it. Well, I never said I would eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, to be fair to everyone, we can't hear you at all. So I know you're, but you can talk cause you're recording on your thing. So go for it. But he also might be five minutes behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a minute. A minute. Moment. He's a moment behind us. He's talking to us. He just said hello about a minute later when I said say hello now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then you tell it, motherfucker! Right? Cause he was like, someone was poisoning him, or he was poisoning people. Oh, he started to make jellies out of the, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm kind of mad that this won't translate, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it can, possibly. Okay. Hey, okay. Wait, we got you. Go, go, go, go. Crute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, what would happen if they did die? Would you go to pr- would you go to prison if, as a kid, how old were you, like 10, 8, 9?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that assessment of your guys hometown ring true besides the meth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they have like, uh, good meth labs kind of thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how? What do you mean you could tell? Like places were blowing up or like people were on the streets with no teeth or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet there was a meth, I bet there was a meth spike, uh, just because there was a popularity with meth in the 2000s. But I don't think there was a meth problem in Chicago. I think crack was already there. Uh, in Evanston, I don't, I don't know about meth in Evanston. It's just not their wave. They don't serve staff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Meth must be fucking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it must be good though, man. If people are buying it like this and getting hooked, like fuck. Isn't that crazy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's been a few of those, like, uhm, what would you call, like, chronological mugshot type things. And then, you know, I don't want to shout any of them out because most of those people have died already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lost me. As opposed to like, I lost myself. Whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The moral of the story is just don't do drugs unless you can fucking handle your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so try, try every drug, but then just if you can't handle your shit, you gotta get out. You can't handle your shit. Get out of the hole before you can't climb it. I think that's why I've never done hard fucking drugs, cause I'm like, I can't handle that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah bro. And so what was the conversation with these football dudes when you said you weren't a sports guy? Where'd it go from there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's the solution? I was saying maybe you could put lunch bags over your mirrors?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hey, I'm sorry I, uh, I judged you, but that last part sounded real. So, I apologize. Hey, no problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you know what, somebody told me, and I still don't know how we're pronouncing- Concord, beautiful city. Thank you, Adam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The man of Tesla, how are you pronouncing his first name? Elon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so two different versions after you guys fucking jumped down my throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think I said, I was like, well, he's from South Africa. I think it's a, it's Hebrew. It's a Hebrew name. So I'm sorry. I, uh, jumped the gun on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you gonna do with the baby gun or the pellet gun you got, uh, just fuck around in the backyard and stuff and maybe accidentally, accidentally shoot something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up in Concord, and what, not do the meth up there? Come on, you'll be busy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll never know. Yes. Is that right? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Importance, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Blake? You look fantastic. You look great. Oh, from the last episode? I think they tried to bring him back. Didn't we have those in the last episode of Workaholics? We did. I still have a pair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so he was drunk enough to fuckin' pee on his own bed, make that choice, but also very proud of it in the same moment? I don't understand. He said when it was happening, he was like, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This ain't right. Oh well. Weird, wild stuff. Can't do laundry later. Yeah, no. He's probably doing laundry right now, I betcha. Yeah, I haven't seen him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did this dude just did this? Not back yet. Not back yet. Come on, click another button Playboy. I clicked it. Click another one. Scarlet Zoom. This is when you're in the Ozarks, you never know what's gonna happen. You don't know. Is that accurate? I did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This morning you woke up hurting. You were struggling. Yes, yes sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of delays. Lots of delays. One of our boys got- It was basically Kabul, right? It was total mayhem. Dude, I'm charged up right now. I got my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I already hit the fucking jet ski for like an hour, homie. And I got like 12 feet of air out there, and you guys- You got 12 feet of air? At once, or like, from 10 different things forward? No, one wave, bro. Sometimes I get 6 feet, sometimes I get 9 feet, and one time I got 12 fucking feet of air off a wave. Right. Whoa, dude. 112.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First time on a jet ski too. That is crazy, cause I feel like I've...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slower, slower pace, notice the pace, click up one, click up this one, we've gotten a lot slower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick, at Comic Con. You look like Andrew W.K. You met Jimmy Hart. Yes, I got Jimmy Hart's autograph. And we got a picture of you guys together and it's crazy. Why does it look exactly the same? They're the exact same except Jimmy Hart's like 5'8". And I got to hold his megaphone or something and I was like hell yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially wrestlers. I paid like, I think it was a hundred bucks and I got Hogan and Jimmy Hart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100 bucks for a picture? 100 bucks for two pictures. Plus my own. That's a deal. You think that's a deal? Well what's wrong with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was his show called? The Thunder One? What was it called? Thunder in Paradise? Oh yeaah. Was that good? It was like a boating show, wasn't it? Yeaah, it was just like, he'd be like, and this boat here is a 75 foot catamaran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I did jet skis where they, you know how you could stand up and hold them up? I did that shit and you could sit down on those as well. So you could ride those kind of like wave runners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the back of it, like where you stand. I feel like I did that when I was like 11 or 12. I don't think there's a seat on those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't do that, didn't you ever have- I'm just gonna put it in your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got some good barbecue on the way here, right by the Kansas City airport where we flew in. We went to Scotts. Shout out to Scotts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since now. What did they have? They had a fucking... Remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't say like god I'm so, I'm saying I'm hungry. I haven't had food yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah. Dyrs was not impressed with that. I liked it. I thought the moment was sick. Yeaah. Do I have the time to listen to wine? I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, scary. When you wake up, where'd they go?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has the powers of God, right? Yeah, that's the way he's almighty. So God is Jim Carrey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woah, Shawshank was up against Gump? Yea, if you want to call it that. It's crazy, the staying power of Shawshank, obviously everybody watches it whenever it comes on, it plays all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we bet the Dua Lipa thing. Oh yea, I had never saw that cash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's rude. It's rude to make fun of him for believing in Bigfoot, but that's tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trippin' on somethin', though. That's a grocery store with a fuckin' restaurant. Yeah, dawg. Yeah, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the south, man. I've, I'm assimilating. Here on This Is Important, we like to go after people for how they talk or misspeak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's already done. They're already like, they're talking about taking statues of him down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cancel Dave Lincoln? Abraham Lincoln? So it's, that's even better cause they bring him back cause they're like this is our guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Klingons? Like a whole alien race that they talk about for one of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got Zero Dwarf. I remember the commercials. Oh! Was it Tim Conway? Yea, it was Tim Conway. I respect him, I respect him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To Kyle's point, there were, they were talking about a dead... Milk duds. They were talking about something about me, and about Kyle, about us, that is gone and died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we basically ran through all the horrors and then when we were like in middle school, we were like, hey, like we would rent, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, does he know Dallas Reigns?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely a toss between- I heard somebody say one time about somebody who just kind of wasn't fully like engaged with people and like- Like a blockbuster?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if you're a young soul, it's like you have, like when you're an old soul, you seem to have this life experience. Even though you're young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're a young soul, it's as if you have no wisdom. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead, like how deep, how deep can you get? Get deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they have a soul to them? No pun intended. Okay, so those are like indoor, outdoor, I can fetch the mail kind of thing, yeaah. Those are old soul shoes. If you didn't have a real soul on the bottom, I would say you're a young new soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will send you, I will do the Brown Sugar soundtrack, her song on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been stabbed with a dirty old sword. Wait, Adam, Adam, and I know this isn't like, you're not the first and only person to ever want to do the running with the bulls. Tons of people. But why do you want to do it? I don't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but the difference is like, the person who sat in their house might not value running with the bulls. Yeah, they probably wouldn't want to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this happens every like three or four years that some, usually a woman has a pet monkey and then they're like eating breakfast or having a tea party and then it just rips their face off and they gotta get it like trains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I finally had to get a Blockbuster card because Rocket Video was closing, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of the, uh, possible buttons to hit when you're alone in your room late at night, thinking about us, what is the button that you hit the most often? Like, hit us with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if there was a lag as much as we just kinda talked over each other. And then, yeah, I think that was the case. That's par for the course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it was a ball of energy. It was a mosh pit of comedy for sure. Right. Right. It was an atom bomb of energy. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do, do people still fuck with the Olympics in the same way that they did?


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[Assistant] Back in the day, like I feel like when we were kids, I was like, give me some Dominique Mucciano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not so much a fan of her actual talent of being like the best gymnast of all time. I'm just a fan of them arms, girl. That's what I, that's her, that's what I would like to give her her flowers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that her? Was that Simon? That was Simon. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeah, she just won, it wasn't at the like, the most, and I'm definitely butchering this, but it was like seven, uh, championships.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's the greatest of all time. And then I saw like a little gif that was saying that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] SportsCenter posted about the Logan Paul Floyd Mayweather fight 15 times and posted zero about her breaking that record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to see it. I'd love to see it and I'd love to throw your name in the ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think these exhibition matches are so stupid because you're, I was rooting for neither of them. I was like, it would be great to see Logan Paul get his ass kicked because he's making a mockery out of boxing and the whole sport in general. And then also, also Floyd Mayweather, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy's such a fucking idiot. Why is he, uh, why is he giving this guy a platform to box? I hope he gets his ass kicked too. I was hoping he was a double knockout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, and I kinda, admittedly I kinda wanted to see it, but I wasn't gonna spend 50 bucks. I was like, I should, if I knew how to, uh, steal things off the internet, if I wasn't just such a fucking idiot who didn't know how to do anything on the internet, uh, I would've stolen the hell out of it. Yeah, I'm super dumb on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then if one of them loses, then, then the game, then the gig's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they're, they're canceling each other out. You don't want to see, cause at that point you're just like, yeah, I hope they both, uh, have heart attacks in the ring and die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really the only national park I've ever been to. It's fucking stunning. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your kids, uh, at least six inches. Cause they got some big old wambos down there. I know they do. They got my exact same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cool that your children are investigating their shit intensely enough that they saw the worm. Was it like a lot of worms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you think he's making- he's doing some fun make-believes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the most fun thing as a kid, when, uh, we would, like, be, uh, camping, going fishing the next morning, and dad was like, you gotta go find those earthworms, those night crawlers, to, uh, so we can fish the next morning, and then it's just, you're hunting, you're covered in mud, and you feel like you're doing actual work, getting that worm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, uh, and I'm always investigating my dookie, so that's weird that I haven't seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always take it out, smash it up with a fork, that's why I kinda, that was sort of my, what I do with it, uh, every time I take a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you guys know that about me. That's how we met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you get, how do you get lice? Are you, and I'm not, this is not shots fired against you and Kyle, but, are you like a dirty kid? Are you like, what, how do you get it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember a kid, a kid in my class, like we all would hang up our coats in, in like a row, uh, in elementary school or whatever, and then I remember, there's no big deal, yeah, I went to a pretty cool elementary school where we hung up our coats, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one kid got lice and then it was like a full thing, they had to, my mom had to like wash my coat because I guess they, they leap, they leapfrog from coat to coat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to talk with your mom because you're like covered in bruises. Did your mom slug you back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then when they just like, they get so mad that they're scared that they have to just continue to beat the shit out of that person, I understand like the initial reaction of, because I told you guys about the time I, uh, uh, assaulted a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go for it. I think I might have told this story, but we were at, uh, like, not scary farm. Mine was a random woman, and, or, no, we were at Haunted Horror Nights for Universal, and, and, uh, we were walking through one of those mazes, and it was, like, really dark, and there's just, like, it's kind of strobe lights, and she jumped out in front of me, and I really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The popcorn stand, and uh, she jumps out, and I just sucked, I just did, I did like a rabbit punch, and it punched her in the face, and then I like went to console her, after I realized like, oh I just hit a person, cause I was scared and I just punched him, and then I went like, I'm so sorry, and went like this, and then just cupped her. Mouth. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I really feel like it's an excuse for uh, obesity. For, yeah, dad to get his, I'm not even convinced he has cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, you guys have never seen him without a goatee or, you know?


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[Assistant] That was the first time, yeaah, he's a nude dude, he looks like a turtle.


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[Assistant] I was like, this is how, this is how girls, the, the, girls like guys that act like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A buddy of mine had to go to rehab because he s- Oh yea, this is great. The parents sent him to rehab because he wouldn't stop doing Ace Ventura, Jim Carrey impressions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that they sent him to rehab, to like, stop the cycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, that was because it was pre-internet and pre-like memes and gifs and, uh, and all that shit. So like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the social currency of the time, like knowing the quotes and if you said it, people are gonna laugh, like you didn't need your own joke. It's very much like how kids today will just rehash a meme and be like, that's funny, right? Other kids laugh and they're like, I'm killing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, do your kids like and subscribe? Do they say like and subscribe?


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[Assistant] A buddy of mine always posts like with his little nieces and nephews and they're always, they always will like say a thing and at the end of it be like, like and subscribe.


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[Assistant] As if it's on YouTube, and you're just like, oh, those kids are watching way too much YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's that easy, then hell yeaah, I'll get all zapped. I'll never wear sunscreen again and just, uh, and just get it zapped every time. Is that okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we're here in Houston. I could just, uh, go with my pops and get it checked out at, uh, MD Anderson. Shout out MD Anderson Hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, like in general, in the grand scheme of life, I wouldn't say any of us are actually dumb people. But we're definitely dumb in our own specific certain ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, well for sure that is a reason, but the reason that we work together and that we've been able to actually, uhm, have a career and have careers together as a unit is that we're- As managers and agents. Yeah, we have people pushing us to start podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But hey, we're pushing 40. And we're gonna, we're gonna laser those bitches off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised, I'm like, I am surprised that you don't have, like, uh, sunspots or are way more wrinkly, because you used to, you used to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never really had freckles or anything and it was like the last two summers of being in, uh, being in Orange County by the beach and just being in the sun all the time. All of a sudden my skin was like, oh you done fucked up boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You done fucked up. You're gonna have freckles all over. You're gonna have a weird sunspot. We're making you look all old as hell. Chloe's like being passive aggressive. She's like giving me like $200 face lotions and being like, I don't know, just to keep your skin healthy. Uh, here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just doubles down. Well I wonder if that's what it is cause it's right under where like a sunglass would kick it. Maybe it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't had a pool in a long time since I lived with Blake, where he would sit out by the pool and get, uh, and do his tanning, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't take, we didn't take enough advantage of that lap pool. We had a lap pool at the Workaholics house where we lived and there was a, an awesome lap pool back there and I, like the first year we lived there I went in it probably five or six times and then the next year two times and then the years after that I never went in that pool. Like ever. Well one it was disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this pool is very nice, I'm gonna get one of those, uh, I'm gonna get one of those leashes. Do you fuck with them leashes? The like, swim leashes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can't have that in your backyard, right? 50 meters? That'd be insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, because Dane Cook hit me, hit me up, uh, when I was cycling all the time. And I still am, but he was hitting me up at the beginning of quarantine when I was like talking about my bike and living a real cycle lifestyle. And he was like, yo dude, I'm into cycling too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're ever in Hollywood, we should go riding together. I'm like, okay. Never was, never did. Uh, and then like a few months after that, he goes, Hey, I'm off that cycling shit. I found my new shit is swimming. And he's like, if you have a pool, it's a hell of a workout. You should get a leash and go swimming. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a pool, but now I have a pool, and I hit him up, I'm like, hey, what's up with those swim leashes? And then he sent me all the shit that he has, and it's like $500. I know Dane's just rich as fuck.